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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3827-h.zip b/3827-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4712a9c --- /dev/null +++ b/3827-h.zip diff --git a/3827-h/3827-h.htm b/3827-h/3827-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1de8872 --- /dev/null +++ b/3827-h/3827-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,9660 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<HTML> +<HEAD> + +<META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<TITLE> +The Project Gutenberg E-text of The Days Before Yesterday, by Lord Frederick Hamilton +</TITLE> + +<STYLE TYPE="text/css"> +BODY { color: Black; + background: White; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; + text-align: justify } + +P {text-indent: 4% } + +P.noindent {text-indent: 0% } + +P.poem {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: small } + +P.letter {text-indent: 0%; + font-size: small ; + margin-left: 10% ; + margin-right: 10% } + +P.footnote {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +P.intro {font-size: small; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 5% ; + margin-right: 5% } + +P.finis { font-size: larger ; + text-align: center ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 0% ; + margin-right: 0% } + +</STYLE> + +</HEAD> + +<BODY> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's The Days Before Yesterday, by Lord Frederick Hamilton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Days Before Yesterday + +Author: Lord Frederick Hamilton + +Posting Date: May 28, 2009 [EBook #3827] +Release Date: March, 2003 +First Posted: September 29, 2001 +Last Updated: February 25, 2005 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks, Robert Rowe and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. HTML version by Al Haines. + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +by +</H3> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +Lord Frederick Hamilton +</H2> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +FOREWORD +</H3> + +<P> +The Public has given so kindly a reception to The Varnished Pomps of +Yesterday (a reception which took its author wholly by surprise), that +I have extracted some further reminiscences from the lumber-room of +recollections. Those who expect startling revelations, or stale whiffs +of forgotten scandals in these pages, will, I fear, be disappointed, +for the book contains neither. It is merely a record of everyday +events, covering different ground to those recounted in the former +book, which may, or may not, prove of interest. I must tender my +apologies for the insistent recurrence of the first person singular; in +a book of this description this is difficult to avoid. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +CONTENTS +</H2> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap01">CHAPTER I</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Early days—The passage of many terrors—Crocodiles, grizzlies and +hunchbacks—An adventurous journey and its reward—The famous spring in +South Audley Street—Climbing chimney-sweeps—The story of Mrs. +Montagu's son—The sweeps' carnival—Disraeli—Lord John Russell—A +child's ideas about the Whigs—The Earl of Aberdeen—"Old Brown +Bread"—Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend—A live lion at a +tea-party—Landseer as an artist—Some of his vagaries—His frescoes at +Ardverikie—His latter days—A devoted friend—His last Academy picture +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap02">CHAPTER II</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +The "swells" of the "sixties"—Old Lord Claud Hamilton—My first +presentation to Queen Victoria—Scandalous behaviour of a +brother—Queen Victoria's letters—Her character and strong common +sense—My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.—Carlton +House, and the Brighton Pavilion—Queen Alexandra—The Fairchild +Family—Dr. Cumming and his church—A clerical Jazz—First visit to +Paris—General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's campaign of +1812—Another curious link with the past—"Something +French"—Attraction of Paris—Cinderella's glass slipper—A glimpse of +Napoleon III.—The Rue de Rivoli—The Riviera in 1865—A novel +Tricolour flag—Jenny Lind—The championship of the Mediterranean—My +father's boat and crew—The race—The Abercorn wins the championship +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap03">CHAPTER III</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +A new departure—A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"—The Irish mail +service—The wonderful old paddle mail-boats—The convivial waiters of +the Munster—The Viceregal Lodge—Indians and pirates—The imagination +of youth—A modest personal ambition—Death-warrants; imaginary and +real—The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7—The Abergele railway accident—A +Dublin Drawing-Room—Strictly private ceremonials—Some of the +amenities of the Chapel Royal—An unbidden spectator of the State +dinners—Irish wit—Judge Keogh—Father Healy—Happy Dublin knack of +nomenclature—An unexpected honour and its cause—Incidents of the +Fenian rising—Dr. Hatchell—A novel prescription—Visit of King +Edward—Gorgeous ceremonial, but a chilly drive—An anecdote of Queen +Alexandra +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap04">CHAPTER IV</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Chittenden's—A wonderful teacher—My personal experiences as a +schoolmaster—My "boys in blue"—My unfortunate garments—A "brave +Belge"—The model boy, and his name—A Spartan regime—"The Three +Sundays"—Novel religious observances—Harrow—"John Smith of +Harrow"—"Tommy"—Steele—"Tosher"—An ingenious punishment—John +Farmer—His methods—The birth of a famous song—Harrow school +songs—"Ducker"—The "Curse of Versatility"—Advancing old age—The +race between three brothers—A family failing—My father's race at +sixty-four—My own—A most acrimonious dispute at Rome—Harrow after +fifty years +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap05">CHAPTER V</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Mme. Ducros—A Southern French country town—"Tartarin de +Tarascon"—His prototypes at Nyons—M. Sisteron the roysterer—The +Southern French—An octogenarian pasteur—French +industry—"Bone-shakers"—A wonderful +"Cordon-bleu"—"Slop-basin"—French legal procedure—The +bons-vivants—The merry French judges—La gaiete francaise—Delightful +excursions—Some sleepy old towns—Oronge and Avignon—M. Thiers' +ingenious cousin—Possibilities—French political situation in +1874—The Comte de Chambord—Some French characteristics—High +intellectual level—Three days in a Trappist Monastery—Details of life +there—The Arian heresy—Silkworm culture—Tendencies of French to +complicate details—Some examples—Cicadas in London. +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap06">CHAPTER VI</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Brunswick—Its beauty—High level of culture—The Brunswick +Theatre—Its excellence—Gas vs. Electricity—Primitive theatre +toilets—Operatic stars in private life—Some operas unknown in +London—Dramatic incidents in them—Levasseur's parody of +"Robert"—Some curious details about operas—Two fiery old +pan-Germans—Influence of the teaching profession on modern +Germany—The "French and English Clubs"—A meeting of the "English +Club" Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign +tongues—Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875—Concerning various +beers—A German sportsman—The silent, quinine-loving youth—The Harz +Mountains—A "Kettle-drive" for hares—Dialects of German—The odious +"Kaffee-Klatch"—Universal gossip—Hamburg's overpowering +hospitality—Hamburg's attitude towards Britain—The city itself—Trip +to British Heligoland—The island—Some peculiarities—Migrating +birds—Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse—Lady Maxse—The Heligoland +Theatre—Winter in Heligoland +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap07">CHAPTER VII</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Some London beauties of the "seventies"—Great ladies—The Victorian +girl—Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre Two witty ladies—Two clever girls +and mock-Shakespeare—The family who talked Johnsonian +English—Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation—Practical jokes—Lord +Charles Beresford and the old Club-member—The shoeless +legislator—Travellers' palms—The tree that spouted wine—Ceylon's +spicy breezes—Some reflections—Decline of public interest in +Parliament—Parliamentary giants—Gladstone, John Bright, and +Chamberlain—Gladstone's last speech—His resignation—W.H. Smith—The +Assistant Whips—Sir William Hart-Dyke—Weary hours at Westminster—A +Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap08">CHAPTER VIII</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +The Foreign Office—The new Private Secretary—A Cabinet +key—Concerning theatricals—Some surnames which have passed into +everyday use—Theatricals at Petrograd—A mock-opera—The family from +Runcorn—An embarrassing predicament—Administering the oath—Secret +Service—Popular errors—Legitimate employment of information—The +Phoenix Park murders—I sanction an arrest—The innocent victim—The +execution of the murderers of Alexander II.—The jarring military +band—Black Magic—Sir Charles Wyke—Some of his experiences—The +seance at the Pantheon—Sir Charles' experiments on myself—The +Alchemists—The Elixir of Life, and the Philosopher's Stone—Lucid +directions for their manufacture—Glamis Castle and its +inhabitants—The tuneful Lyon family—Mr. Gladstone at Glamis—He sings +in the glees—The castle and its treasures—Recollections of Glamis +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap09">CHAPTER IX</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Canada—The beginnings of the C.P.R.—Attitude of British Columbia—The +C.P.R. completed—Quebec—A swim at Niagara—Other mighty +waterfalls—Ottawa and Rideau Hall—Effects of dry climate—Personal +electricity—Every man his own dynamo—Attraction of Ottawa—The +"roaring game"—Skating—An ice-palace—A ball on skates—Difficulties +of translating the Bible into Eskimo—The building of the snow hut—The +snow hut in use—Sir John Macdonald—Some personal traits—The Canadian +Parliament buildings—Monsieur l'Orateur—A quaint oration—The "Pages' +Parliament"—An all-night sitting—The "Arctic Cremorne"—A curious +Lisbon custom—The Balkan "souvenir-hunters"—Personal inspection of +Canadian convents—Some incidents—The unwelcome novice—The Montreal +Carnival—The Ice-castle—The Skating Carnival—A stupendous toboggan +slide—The pioneer of "ski" in Canada—The old-fashioned raquettes—A +Canadian Spring—Wonders of the Dominion +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap10">CHAPTER X</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Calcutta—Hooghly pilots—Government House—A Durbar—The sulky +Rajah—The customary formalities—An ingenious interpreter—The sailing +clippers in the Hooghly—Calcutta Cathedral—A succulent banquet—The +mistaken Minister—The "Gordons"—Barrackpore—A Swiss Family Robinson +aerial house—The child and the elephants—The merry midshipmen—Some +of their escapades—A huge haul of fishes—Queen Victoria and +Hindustani—The Hills—The Manipur outbreak—A riding tour—A wise old +Anglo-Indian—Incidents—The fidelity of native servants—A novel +printing-press—Lucknow—The loss of an illusion +</P> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +<A HREF="#chap11">CHAPTER XI</A> +</H3> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +Matters left untold—The results of improved communications—My +father's journey to Naples—Modern stereotyped uniformity—Changes in +customs—The faithful family retainer—Some details—Samuel Pepys' +stupendous banquets—Persistence of idea—Ceremonial +incense—Patriarchal family life—The barn dances—My father's +habits—My mother—A son's tribute—Autumn days—Conclusion +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY +</H1> + +<BR> + +<A NAME="chap01"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER I +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Early days—The passage of many terrors—Crocodiles, grizzlies and +hunchbacks—An adventurous journey and its reward—The famous spring in +South Audley Street—Climbing chimney-sweeps—The story of Mrs. +Montagu's son—The sweeps' carnival—Disraeli—Lord John Russell—A +child's ideas about the Whigs—The Earl of Aberdeen—"Old Brown +Bread"—Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend—A live lion at a +tea-party—Landseer as an artist—Some of his vagaries—His frescoes at +Ardverikie—His latter days—A devoted friend—His last Academy picture. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +I was born the thirteenth child of a family of fourteen, on the +thirteenth day of the month, and I have for many years resided at No. +13 in a certain street in Westminster. In spite of the popular +prejudice attached to this numeral, I am not conscious of having +derived any particular ill-fortune from my accidental association with +it. +</P> + +<P> +Owing to my sequence in the family procession, I found myself on my +entry into the world already equipped with seven sisters and four +surviving brothers. I was also in the unusual position of being born an +uncle, finding myself furnished with four ready-made nephews—the +present Lord Durham, his two brothers, Mr. Frederick Lambton and +Admiral-of-the-Fleet Sir Hedworth Meux, and the late Lord Lichfield. +</P> + +<P> +Looking down the long vista of sixty years with eyes that have already +lost their keen vision, the most vivid impression that remains of my +early childhood is the nightly ordeal of the journey down "The Passage +of Many Terrors" in our Irish home. It had been decreed that, as I had +reached the mature age of six, I was quite old enough to come +downstairs in the evening by myself without the escort of a maid, but +no one seemed to realise what this entailed on the small boy +immediately concerned. The house had evidently been built by some +malevolent architect with the sole object of terrifying little boys. +Never, surely, had such a prodigious length of twisting, winding +passages and such a superfluity of staircases been crammed into one +building, and as in the early "sixties" electric light had not been +thought of, and there was no gas in the house, these endless passages +were only sparingly lit with dim colza-oil lamps. From his nursery the +little boy had to make his way alone through a passage and up some +steps. These were brightly lit, and concealed no terrors. The staircase +that had to be negotiated was also reassuringly bright, but at its base +came the "Terrible Passage." It was interminably long, and only lit by +an oil lamp at its far end. Almost at once a long corridor running at +right angles to the main one, and plunged in total darkness, had to be +crossed. This was an awful place, for under a marble slab in its dim +recesses a stuffed crocodile reposed. Of course in the daytime the +crocodile PRETENDED to be very dead, but every one knew that as soon as +it grew dark, the crocodile came to life again, and padded noiselessly +about the passage on its scaly paws seeking for its prey, with its +great cruel jaws snapping, its fierce teeth gleaming, and its horny +tail lashing savagely from side to side. It was also a matter of common +knowledge that the favourite article of diet of crocodiles was a little +boy with bare legs in a white suit. Even should one be fortunate enough +to escape the crocodile's jaws, there were countless other terrors +awaiting the traveller down this awe-inspiring passage. A little +farther on there was a dark lobby, with cupboards surrounding it. Any +one examining these cupboards by daylight would have found that they +contained innocuous cricket-bats and stumps, croquet-mallets and balls, +and sets of bowls. But as soon as the shades of night fell, these +harmless sporting accessories were changed by some mysterious and +malign agency into grizzly bears, and grizzly bears are notoriously the +fiercest of their species. It was advisable to walk very quickly, but +quietly, past the lair of the grizzlies, for they would have gobbled up +a little boy in one second. Immediately after the bears' den came the +culminating terror of all—the haunt of the wicked little hunchbacks. +These malignant little beings inhabited an arched and recessed +cross-passage. It was their horrible habit to creep noiselessly behind +their victims, tip...tip...tip-toeing silently but swiftly behind their +prey, and then ... with a sudden spring they threw themselves on to +little boys' backs, and getting their arms round their necks, they +remorselessly throttled the life out of them. In the early "sixties" +there was a perfect epidemic of so-called "garrotting" in London. +Harmless citizens proceeding peaceably homeward through unfrequented +streets or down suburban roads at night were suddenly seized from +behind by nefarious hands, and found arms pressed under their chins +against their windpipe, with a second hand drawing their heads back +until they collapsed insensible, and could be despoiled leisurely of +any valuables they might happen to have about them. Those familiar with +John Leech's Punch Albums will recollect how many of his drawings +turned on this outbreak of garrotting. The little boy had heard his +elders talking about this garrotting, and had somehow mixed it up with +a story about hunchbacks and the fascinating local tales about "the wee +people," but the terror was a very real one for all that. The +hunchbacks baffled, there only remained a dark archway to pass, but +this archway led to the "Robbers' Passage." A peculiarly bloodthirsty +gang of malefactors had their fastnesses along this passage, but the +dread of being in the immediate neighbourhood of such a band of +desperadoes was considerably modified by the increasing light, as the +solitary oil-lamp of the passage was approached. Under the comforting +beams of this lamp the little boy would pause until his heart began to +thump less wildly after his deadly perils, and he would turn the handle +of the door and walk into the great hall as demurely as though he had +merely traversed an ordinary everyday passage in broad daylight. It was +very reassuring to see the big hall blazing with light, with the logs +roaring on the open hearth, and grown-ups writing, reading, and talking +unconcernedly, as though unconscious of the awful dangers lurking +within a few yards of them. In that friendly atmosphere, what with toys +and picture-books, the fearful experiences of the "Passage of Many +Terrors" soon faded away, and the return journey upstairs would be free +from alarms, for Catherine, the nursery-maid, would come to fetch the +little boy when his bedtime arrived. +</P> + +<P> +Catherine was fat, freckled, and French. She was also of a very stolid +disposition. She stumped unconcernedly along the "Passage of Terrors," +and any reference to its hidden dangers of robbers, hunchbacks, bears, +and crocodiles only provoked the remark, "Quel tas de betises!" In +order to reassure the little boy, Catherine took him to view the +stuffed crocodile reposing inertly under its marble slab. Of course, +before a grown-up the crocodile would pretend to be dead and stuffed, +but ... the little boy knew better. It occurred gleefully to him, too, +that the plump French damsel might prove more satisfactory as a repast +to a hungry saurian than a skinny little boy with thin legs. In the +cheerful nursery, with its fragrant peat fire (we called it "turf"), +the terrors of the evening were quickly forgotten, only to be renewed +with tenfold activity next evening, as the moment for making the +dreaded journey again approached. +</P> + +<P> +The little boy had had the Pilgrim's Progress read to him on Sundays. +He envied "Christian," who not only usually enjoyed the benefit of some +reassuring companion, such as "Mr. Interpreter," or "Mr. Greatheart," +to help him on his road, but had also been expressly told, "Keep in the +midst of the path, and no harm shall come to thee." This was distinctly +comforting, and Christian enjoyed another conspicuous advantage. All +the lions he encountered in the course of his journey were chained up, +and could not reach him provided he adhered to the Narrow Way. The +little boy thought seriously of tying a rolled-up tablecloth to his +back to represent Christian's pack; in his white suit, he might perhaps +then pass for a pilgrim, and the strip of carpet down the centre of the +passage would make an admirable Narrow Way, but it all depended on +whether the crocodile, bears, and hunchbacks knew, and would observe +the rules of the game. It was most improbable that the crocodile had +ever had the Pilgrim's Progress read to him in his youth, and he might +not understand that the carpet representing the Narrow Way was +inviolable territory. Again, the bears might make their spring before +they realised that, strictly speaking, they ought to consider +themselves chained up. The ferocious little hunchbacks were clearly +past praying for; nothing would give them a sense of the most +elementary decency. On the whole, the safest plan seemed to be, on +reaching the foot of the stairs, to keep an eye on the distant lamp and +to run to it as fast as short legs and small feet could carry one. Once +safe under its friendly beams, panting breath could be recovered, and +the necessary stolid look assumed before entering the hall. +</P> + +<P> +There was another voyage, rich in its promise of ultimate rewards, but +so perilous that it would only be undertaken under escort. That was to +the housekeeper's room through a maze of basement passages. On the road +two fiercely-gleaming roaring pits of fire had to be encountered. +Grown-ups said this was the furnace that heated the house, but the +little boy had his own ideas on the subject. Every Sunday his nurse +used to read to him out of a little devotional book, much in vogue in +the "sixties," called The Peep of Day, a book with the most terrifying +pictures. One Sunday evening, so it is said, the little boy's mother +came into the nursery to find him listening in rapt attention to what +his nurse was reading him. +</P> + +<P> +"Emery is reading to me out of a good book," explained the small boy +quite superfluously. +</P> + +<P> +"And do you like it, dear?" +</P> + +<P> +"Very much indeed." +</P> + +<P> +"What is Emery reading to you about? Is it about Heaven?" +</P> + +<P> +"No, it's about 'ell," gleefully responded the little boy, who had not +yet found all his "h's." +</P> + +<P> +Those glowing furnace-bars; those roaring flames ... there could be no +doubt whatever about it. A hymn spoke of "Gates of Hell" ... of course +they just called it the heating furnace to avoid frightening him. The +little boy became acutely conscious of his misdeeds. He had taken ... +no, stolen an apple from the nursery pantry and had eaten it. Against +all orders he had played with the taps in the sink. The burden of his +iniquities pressed heavily on him; remembering the encouraging warnings +Mrs. Fairchild, of The Fairchild Family, gave her offspring as to their +certain ultimate destiny when they happened to break any domestic rule, +he simply dared not pass those fiery apertures alone. With his hand in +that of his friend Joseph, the footman, it was quite another matter. +Out of gratitude, he addressed Joseph as "Mr. Greatheart," but Joseph, +probably unfamiliar with the Pilgrim's Progress, replied that his name +was Smith. +</P> + +<P> +The interminable labyrinth of passages threaded, the warm, comfortable +housekeeper's room, with its red curtains, oak presses and a delicious +smell of spice pervading it, was a real haven of rest. To this very +day, nearly sixty years afterwards, it still looks just the same, and +keeps its old fragrant spicy odour. Common politeness dictated a brief +period of conversation, until Mrs. Pithers, the housekeeper, should +take up her wicker key-basket and select a key (the second press on the +left). From that inexhaustible treasure-house dates and figs would +appear, also dried apricots and those little discs of crystallised +apple-paste which, impaled upon straws, and coloured green, red and +yellow, were in those days manufactured for the special delectation of +greedy little boys. What a happy woman Mrs. Pithers must have been with +such a prodigal wealth of delicious products always at her command! It +was comforting, too, to converse with Mrs. Pithers, for though this +intrepid woman was alarmed neither by bears, hunchbacks nor crocodiles, +she was terribly frightened by what she termed "cows," and regulated +her daily walks so as to avoid any portion of the park where cattle +were grazing. Here the little boy experienced a delightful sense of +masculine superiority. He was not the least afraid of cattle, or of +other things in daylight and the open air; of course at night in dark +passages infested with bears and little hunchbacks ... Well, it was +obviously different. And yet that woman who was afraid of "cows" could +walk without a tremor, or a little shiver down the spine, past the very +"Gates of Hell," where they roared and blazed in the dark passage. +</P> + +<P> +Our English home had brightly-lit passages, and was consequently +practically free from bears and robbers. Still, we all preferred the +Ulster home in spite of its obvious perils. Here were a chain of lakes, +wide, silvery expanses of gleaming water reflecting the woods and +hills. Here were great tracts of woodlands where countless little burns +chattered and tinkled in their rocky beds as they hurried down to the +lakes, laughing as they tumbled in miniature cascades over rocky ledges +into swirling pools, in their mad haste to reach the placid waters +below. Here were purple heather-clad hills, with their bigger brethren +rising mistily blue in the distance, and great wine-coloured tracts of +bog (we called them "flows") interspersed with glistening bands of +water, where the turf had been cut which hung over the village in a +thin haze of fragrant blue smoke. +</P> + +<P> +The woods in the English place were beautifully kept, but they were +uninteresting, for there were no rocks or great stones in them. An +English brook was a dull, prosaic, lifeless stream, rolling its +clay-stained waters stolidly along, with never a dimple of laughter on +its surface, or a joyous little gurgle of surprise at finding that it +was suddenly called upon to take a headlong leap of ten feet. The +English brooks were so silent, too, compared to our noisy Ulster burns, +whose short lives were one clamorous turmoil of protest against the +many obstacles with which nature had barred their progress to the sea; +here swirling over a miniature crag, there babbling noisily among a +labyrinth of stones. They ultimately became merged in a foaming, +roaring salmon river, expanding into amber-coloured pools, or breaking +into white rapids; a river which retained to the last its lordly +independence and reached the sea still free, refusing to be harnessed +or confined by man. Our English brook, after its uneventful childhood, +made its stolid matter-of-fact way into an equally dull little river +which crawled inertly along to its destiny somewhere down by the docks. +I know so many people whose whole lives are like that of that +particular English brook. +</P> + +<P> +We lived then in London at Chesterfield House, South Audley Street, +which covered three times the amount of ground it does at present, for +at the back it had a very large garden, on which Chesterfield Gardens +are now built. In addition to this it had two wings at right angles to +it, one now occupied by Lord Leconfield's house, the other by Nos. 1 +and 2, South Audley Street. The left-hand wing was used as our stables +and contained a well which enjoyed an immense local reputation in +Mayfair. Never was such drinking-water! My father allowed any one in +the neighbourhood to fetch their drinking-water from our well, and one +of my earliest recollections is watching the long daily procession of +men-servants in the curious yellow-jean jackets of the "sixties," each +with two large cans in his hands, fetching the day's supply of our +matchless water. No inhabitants of Curzon Street, Great Stanhope +Street, or South Audley Street would dream of touching any water but +that from the famous Chesterfield House spring. In 1867 there was a +serious outbreak of Asiatic cholera in London, and my father determined +to have the water of the celebrated spring analysed. There were loud +protests at this:—what, analyse the finest drinking-water in England! +My father, however, persisted, and the result of the analysis was that +our incomparable drinking-water was found to contain thirty per cent. +of organic matter. The analyst reported that fifteen per cent. of the +water must be pure sewage. My father had the spring sealed and bricked +up at once, but it is a marvel that we had not poisoned every single +inhabitant of the Mayfair district years before. +</P> + +<P> +In the early "sixties" the barbarous practice of sending wretched +little "climbing boys" up chimneys to sweep them still prevailed. In +common with most other children of that day, I was perfectly terrified +when the chimney-sweep arrived with his attendant coal-black imps, for +the usual threat of foolish nurses to their charges when they proved +refractory was, "If you are not good I shall give you to the sweep, and +then you will have to climb up the chimney." When the dust-sheets laid +on the floors announced the advent of the sweeps, I used, if possible, +to hide until they had left the house. I cannot understand how public +opinion tolerated for so long the abominable cruelty of forcing little +boys to clamber up flues. These unhappy brats were made to creep into +the chimneys from the grates, and then to wriggle their way up by +digging their toes into the interstices of the bricks, and by working +their elbows and knees alternately; stifled in the pitch-darkness of +the narrow flue by foul air, suffocated by the showers of soot that +fell on them, perhaps losing their way in the black maze of chimneys, +and liable at any moment, should they lose their footing, to come +crashing down twenty feet, either to be killed outright in the dark or +to lie with a broken limb until they were extricated—should, indeed, +it be possible to rescue them at all. These unfortunate children, too, +were certain to get abrasions on their bare feet and on their elbows +and knees from the rough edges of the bricks. The soot working into +these abrasions gave them a peculiar form of sore. Think of the +terrible brutality to which a nervous child must have been subjected +before he could be induced to undertake so hateful a journey for the +first time. Should the boy hesitate to ascend, many of the +master-sweeps had no compunction in giving him what was termed a +"tickler"—that is, in lighting some straw in the grate below him. The +poor little urchin had perforce to scramble up his chimney then, to +avoid being roasted alive. +</P> + +<P> +All honour to the seventh Earl of Shaftesbury, the philanthropist, who +as Lord Ashley never rested in the House of Commons until he got a +measure placed on the Statute Book making the employment of +climbing-boys illegal. +</P> + +<P> +It will be remembered that little Tom, the hero of Charles Kingsley's +delightful Water-Babies, was a climbing-sweep. In spite of all my care, +I occasionally met some of these little fellows in the passages, +inky-black with soot from the soles of their bare feet to the crowns of +their heads, except for the whites of their eyes. They could not have +been above eight or nine years old. I looked on them as awful warnings, +for of course they would not have occupied their present position had +they not been little boys who had habitually disobeyed the orders of +their nurses. +</P> + +<P> +Even the wretched little climbing-boys had their gala-day on the 1st of +May, when they had a holiday and a feast under the terms of Mrs. +Montagu's will. +</P> + +<P> +The story of Mrs. Montagu is well known. The large house standing in a +garden at the corner of Portman Square and Gloucester Place, now owned +by Lord Portman, was built for Mrs. Montagu by James Wyatt at the end +of the eighteenth century, and the adjoining Montagu Street and Montagu +Square derive their names from her. Somehow Mrs. Montagu's only son got +kidnapped, and all attempts to recover the child failed. Time went on, +and he was regarded as dead. On a certain 1st of May the sweeps arrived +to clean Mrs. Montagu's chimneys, and a climbing-boy was sent up to his +horrible task. Like Tom in the Water-Babies, he lost his way in the +network of flues and emerged in a different room to the one he had +started from. Something in the aspect of the room struck a +half-familiar, half-forgotten chord in his brain. He turned the handle +of the door of the next room and found a lady seated there. Then he +remembered. Filthy and soot-stained as he was, the little sweep flung +himself into the arms of the beautiful lady with a cry of "Mother!" +Mrs. Montagu had found her lost son. +</P> + +<P> +In gratitude for the recovery of her son, Mrs. Montagu entertained +every climbing-boy in London at dinner on the anniversary of her son's +return, and arranged that they should all have a holiday on that day. +At her death she left a legacy to continue the treat. +</P> + +<P> +Such, at least, is the story as I have always heard it. +</P> + +<P> +At the Sweeps' Carnival, there was always a grown-up man figuring as +"Jack-in-the-green." Encased in an immense frame of wicker-work covered +with laurels and artificial flowers, from the midst of which his face +and arms protruded with a comical effect, "Jack-in-the-green" capered +slowly about in the midst of the street, surrounded by some twenty +little climbing-boys, who danced joyously round him with black faces, +their soot-stained clothes decorated with tags of bright ribbon, and +making a deafening clamour with their dustpans and brushes as they sang +some popular ditty. They then collected money from the passers-by, +making usually quite a good haul. There were dozens of these +"Jacks-in-the-green" to be seen then on Mayday in the London streets, +each one with his attendant band of little black familiars. I summoned +up enough courage once to ask a small inky-black urchin whether he had +disobeyed his nurse very often in order to be condemned to sweep +chimneys. He gaped at me uncomprehendingly, with a grin; but being a +cheerful little soul, assured me that, on the whole, he rather enjoyed +climbing up chimneys. +</P> + +<P> +It was my father and mother's custom in London to receive any of their +friends at luncheon without a formal invitation, and a constant +procession of people availed themselves of this privilege. At six years +of age I was promoted to lunch in the dining-room with my parents, and +I always kept my ears open. I had then one brother in the House of +Commons, and we being a politically inclined family, most of the +notabilities of the Tory party put in occasional appearances at +Chesterfield House at luncheon-time. There was Mr. Disraeli, for whom +my father had an immense admiration, although he had not yet occupied +the post of Prime Minister. Mr. Disraeli's curiously impassive face, +with its entire absence of colouring, rather frightened me. It looked +like a mask. He had, too, a most singular voice, with a very impressive +style of utterance. After 1868, by which time my three elder brothers +were all in the House of Commons, and Disraeli himself was Prime +Minister, he was a more frequent visitor at our house. +</P> + +<P> +In 1865 my uncle, Lord John Russell, my mother's brother, was Prime +Minister. My uncle, who had been born as far back as 1792, was a very +tiny man, who always wore one of the old-fashioned, high black-satin +stocks right up to his chin. I liked him, for he was always full of fun +and small jokes, but in that rigorously Tory household he was looked on +with scant favour. It was his second term of office as Prime Minister, +for he had been First Lord of the Treasury from 1846 to 1852; he had +also sat in the House of Commons for forty-seven years. My father was +rather inclined to ridicule his brother-in-law's small stature, and +absolutely detested his political opinions, declaring that he united +all the ineradicable faults of the Whigs in his diminutive person. +Listening, as a child will do, to the conversation of his elders, I +derived the most grotesquely false ideas as to the Whigs and their +traditional policy. I gathered that, with their tongues in their +cheeks, they advocated measures in which they did not themselves +believe, should they think that by so doing they would be able to +enhance their popularity and maintain themselves in office: that, in +order to extricate themselves from some present difficulty, they were +always prepared to mortgage the future recklessly, quite regardless of +the ultimate consequences: that whilst professing the most liberal +principles, they were absurdly exclusive in their private lives, not +consorting with all and sundry as we poor Tories did: that convictions +mattered less than office: that in fact nothing much mattered, provided +that the government of the country remained permanently in the hands of +a little oligarchy of Whig families, and that every office of profit +under the Crown was, as a matter of course, allotted to some member of +those favoured families. In proof of the latter statement, I learnt +that the first act of my uncle Lord John, as Prime Minister, had been +to appoint one of his brothers Sergeant-at-Arms of the House of +Commons, and to offer to another of his brothers, the Rev. Lord +Wriothesley Russell, the vacant Bishopric of Oxford. Much to the credit +of my clergyman-uncle, he declined the Bishopric, saying that he had +neither the eloquence nor the administrative ability necessary for so +high an office in the Church, and that he preferred to remain a plain +country parson in his little parish, of which, at the time of his +death, he had been Rector for fifty-six years. All of which only goes +to show what absurdly erroneous ideas a child, anxious to learn, may +pick up from listening to the conversation of his elders, even when one +of those elders happened to be Mr. Disraeli himself. +</P> + +<P> +Another ex-Prime Minister who was often at our house was the fourth +Earl of Aberdeen, who had held office many times, and had been Prime +Minister during the Crimean War. He must have been a very old man then, +for he was born in 1784. I have no very distinct recollection of him. +Oddly enough, Lord Aberdeen was both my great-uncle and my +step-grandfather, for his first wife had been my grandfather's sister, +and after her death, he married my grandfather's widow, his two wives +thus being sisters-in-law. Judging by their portraits by Lawrence, +which hung round our dining-room, my great-grandfather, old Lord +Abercorn's sons and daughters must have been of singular and quite +unusual personal beauty. Not one of the five attained the age of +twenty-nine, all of them succumbing early to consumption. Lord Aberdeen +had a most unfortunate skin and complexion, and in addition he was +deeply pitted with small-pox. As a result his face looked exactly like +a slice of brown bread, and "Old Brown Bread" he was always called by +my elder brothers and sisters, who had but little love for him, for he +disliked young people, and always made the most disagreeable remarks he +could think of to them. I remember once being taken to see him at +Argyll House, Regent Street, on the site of which the "Palladium" now +stands. I recollect perfectly the ugly, gloomy house, and its uglier +and gloomier garden, but I have no remembrance of "Old Brown Bread" +himself, or of what he said to me, which, considering his notorious +dislike to children, is perhaps quite as well. +</P> + +<P> +Of a very different type was another constant and always welcome +visitor to our house, Sir Edwin Landseer, the painter. He was one of my +father and mother's oldest friends, and had been an equally close +friend of my grandparents, the Duke and Duchess of Bedford. He had +painted three portraits of my father, and five of my mother. Two of the +latter had been engraved, and, under the titles of "Cottage Industry" +and "The Mask," had a very large sale in mid-Victorian days. His large +picture of my two eldest sisters, which hung over our dining-room +chimney-piece, had also been engraved, and was a great favourite, under +the title of "The Abercorn Children." Landseer was a most delightful +person, and the best company that can be imagined. My father and mother +were quite devoted to him, and both of them always addressed him as +"Lanny." My mother going to call on him at his St. John's Wood house, +found "Lanny" in the garden, working from a ladder on a gigantic mass +of clay. Turning the corner, she was somewhat alarmed at finding a +full-grown lion stretched out on the lawn. Landseer had been +commissioned by the Government to model the four lions for the base of +Nelson's pillar in Trafalgar Square. He had made some studies in the +Zoological Gardens, but as he always preferred working from the live +model, he arranged that an elderly and peculiarly docile lion should be +brought to his house from the Zoo in a furniture van attended by two +keepers. Should any one wish to know what that particular lion looked +like, they have only to glance at the base of the Nelson pillar. On +paying an afternoon call, it is so unusual to find a live lion included +amongst the guests, that my mother's perturbation at finding herself in +such close proximity to a huge loose carnivore is, perhaps, pardonable. +Landseer is, of course, no longer in fashion as a painter. I quite own +that at times his colour is unpleasing, owing to the bluish tint +overlaying it; but surely no one will question his draughtsmanship? And +has there ever been a finer animal-painter? Perhaps he was really a +black-and-white man. My family possess some three hundred drawings of +his: some in pen and ink, some in wash, some in pencil. I personally +prefer his very delicate pencil work, over which he sometimes threw a +light wash of colour. No one, seeing some of his pen and ink work, can +deny that he was a master of line. A dozen scratches, and the whole +picture is there! There is a charming little Landseer portrait of my +mother with my eldest sister, in Room III of the Tate Gallery. Landseer +preferred painting on panel, and he never would allow his pictures to +be varnished. His wishes have been obeyed in that respect; none of the +Landseers my family possess have ever been varnished. +</P> + +<P> +He was certainly an unconventional guest in a country house. My father +had rented a deer-forest on a long lease from Cluny Macpherson, and had +built a large house there, on Loch Laggan. As that was before the days +of railways, the interior of the house at Ardverikie was necessarily +very plain, and the rooms were merely whitewashed. Landseer complained +that the glare of the whitewash in the dining-room hurt his eyes, and +without saying a word to any one, he one day produced his colours, +mounted a pair of steps, and proceeded to rough-in a design in charcoal +on the white walls. He worked away until he had completely covered the +walls with frescoes in colour. The originals of some of his best-known +engravings, "The Sanctuary," "The Challenge," "The Monarch of the +Glen," made their first appearance on the walls of the dining-room at +Ardverikie. The house was unfortunately destroyed by fire some years +later, and Landseer's frescoes perished with it. +</P> + +<P> +At another time, my father leased for two years a large house in the +Midlands. The dining-hall of this house was hung with hideously wooden +full-length portraits of the family owning it. Landseer declared that +these monstrous pictures took away his appetite, so without any +permission he one day mounted a ladder, put in high-lights with white +chalk over the oils, made the dull eyes sparkle, and gave some +semblance of life to these forlorn effigies. Pleased with his success, +he then brightened up the flesh tints with red chalk, and put some +drawing into the faces. To complete his work, he rubbed blacks into the +backgrounds with charcoal. The result was so excellent that we let it +remain. At the conclusion of my father's tenancy, the family to whom +the place belonged were perfectly furious at the disrespect with which +their cherished portraits had been treated, for it was a traditional +article of faith with them that they were priceless works of art. +</P> + +<P> +Towards the end of his life Landseer became hopelessly insane and, +during his periods of violence a dangerous homicidal maniac. Such an +affection, however, had my father and mother for the friend of their +younger days, that they still had him to stay with us in Kent for long +periods. He had necessarily to bring a large retinue with him: his own +trained mental attendant; Dr. Tuke, a very celebrated alienist in his +day; and, above all, Mrs. Pritchard. The case of Mrs. Pritchard is such +an instance of devoted friendship as to be worth recording. She was an +elderly widow of small means, Landseer's neighbour in St. John's Wood; +a little dried-up, shrivelled old woman. The two became firm allies, +and when Landseer's reason became hopelessly deranged, Mrs. Pritchard +devoted her whole life to looking after her afflicted friend. In spite +of her scanty means, she refused to accept any salary, and Landseer was +like wax in her hands. In his most violent moods when the keeper and +Dr. Tuke both failed to quiet him, Mrs. Pritchard had only to hold up +her finger and he became calm at once. Either his clouded reason or +some remnant of his old sense of fun led him to talk of Mrs. Pritchard +as his "pocket Venus." To people staying with us (who, I think, were a +little alarmed at finding themselves in the company of a lunatic, +however closely watched he might be), he would say, "In two minutes you +will see the loveliest of her sex. A little dainty creature, perfect in +feature, perfect in shape, who might have stepped bodily out of the +frame of a Greuze. A perfect dream of loveliness." They were +considerably astonished when a little wizened woman, with a face like a +withered apple, entered the room. He was fond, too, of descanting on +Mrs. Pritchard's wonderfully virtuous temperament, notwithstanding her +amazing charms. Visitors probably reflected that, given her appearance, +the path of duty must have been rendered very easy to her. +</P> + +<P> +Landseer painted his last Academy picture, "The Baptismal Font," whilst +staying with us. It is a perfectly meaningless composition, +representing a number of sheep huddled round a font, for whatever +allegorical significance he originally meant to give it eluded the poor +clouded brain. As he always painted from the live model, he sent down +to the Home Farm for two sheep, which he wanted driven upstairs into +his bedroom, to the furious indignation of the housekeeper, who +declared, with a certain amount of reason, that it was impossible to +keep a house well if live sheep were to be allowed in the best +bedrooms. So Landseer, his easel and colours and his sheep were all +transferred to the garden. +</P> + +<P> +On another occasion there was some talk about a savage bull. Landseer, +muttering, "Bulls! bulls! bulls!" snatched up an album of my sister's, +and finding a blank page in it, made an exquisite little drawing of a +charging bull. The disordered brain repeating "Bulls! bulls! bulls!" he +then drew a bulldog, a pair of bullfinches surrounded by bulrushes, and +a hooked bull trout fighting furiously for freedom. That page has been +cut out and framed for fifty years. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap02"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER II +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +The "swells" of the "sixties"—Old Lord Claud Hamilton—My first +presentation to Queen Victoria—Scandalous behaviour of a +brother—Queen Victoria's letters—Her character and strong common +sense—My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.—Carlton +House, and the Brighton Pavilion—Queen Alexandra—The Fairchild +Family—Dr. Cumming and his church—A clerical Jazz—First visit to +Paris—General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's campaign of +1812—Another curious link with the past—"Something +French"—Attraction of Paris—Cinderella's glass slipper—A glimpse of +Napoleon III.—The Rue de Rivoli The Riviera in 1865—A novel Tricolor +flag—Jenny Lind—The championship of the Mediterranean—My father's +boat and crew—The race—The Abercorn wins the championship. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +Every one familiar with John Leech's Pictures from Punch must have an +excellent idea of the outward appearance of "swells" of the "sixties." +</P> + +<P> +As a child I had an immense admiration for these gorgeous beings, +though, between ourselves, they must have been abominably loud +dressers. They affected rather vulgar sealskin waistcoats, with the +festoons of a long watch-chain meandering over them, above which they +exhibited a huge expanse of black or blue satin, secured by two +scarf-pins of the same design, linked together, like Siamese twins, by +a little chain. +</P> + +<P> +A reference to Leech's drawings will show the flamboyant checked +"pegtop" trousers in which they delighted. Their principal adornment +lay in their immense "Dundreary" whiskers, usually at least eight +inches long. In a high wind these immensely long whiskers blew back +over their owners' shoulders in the most comical fashion, and they must +have been horribly inconvenient. I determined early in life to affect, +when grown-up, longer whiskers than any one else—if possible down to +my waist; but alas for human aspirations! By the time that I had +emerged from my chrysalis stage, Dundreary whiskers had ceased to be +the fashion; added to which unkind Nature had given me a hairless face. +</P> + +<P> +My uncle, old Lord Claud Hamilton, known in our family as "The +Dowager," adhered, to the day of his death, to the William IV. style of +dress. He wore an old-fashioned black-satin stock right up to his chin, +with white "gills" above, and was invariably seen in a blue coat with +brass buttons, and a buff waistcoat. My uncle was one of the handsomest +men in England, and had sat for nearly forty years in Parliament. He +had one curious faculty. He could talk fluently and well on almost any +topic at indefinite length, a very useful gift in the House of Commons +of those days. On one occasion when it was necessary "to talk a Bill +out," he got up without any preparation whatever, and addressed the +House in flowing periods for four hours and twenty minutes. His speech +held the record for length for many years, but it was completely +eclipsed in the early "eighties" by the late Mr. Biggar, who spoke (if +my memory serves me right) for nearly six hours on one occasion. +Biggar, however, merely read interminable extracts from Blue Books, +whereas my uncle indulged in four hours of genuine rhetorical +declamation. My uncle derived his nickname from the fact that in our +family the second son is invariably christened Claud, so I had already +a brother of that name. There happen to be three Lord Claud Hamiltons +living now, of three successive generations. +</P> + +<P> +I shall never forget my bitter disappointment the first time I was +taken, at a very early age, to see Queen Victoria. I had pictured to +myself a dazzling apparition arrayed in sumptuous robes, seated on a +golden throne; a glittering crown on her head, a sceptre in one hand, +an orb grasped in the other. I had fancied Her Majesty seated thus, +motionless during the greater part of the twenty-four hours, simply +"reigning." I could have cried with disappointment when a middle-aged +lady, simply dressed in widow's "weeds" and wearing a widow's cap, rose +from an ordinary arm-chair to receive us. I duly made my bow, but +having a sort of idea that it had to be indefinitely repeated, went on +nodding like a porcelain Chinese mandarin, until ordered to stop. +</P> + +<P> +Between ourselves, I behaved far better than a brother of mine once did +under similar circumstances. Many years before I was born, my father +lent his Scotch house to Queen Victoria and the Prince Consort for ten +days. This entailed my two eldest sisters and two eldest brothers +vacating their nurseries in favour of the Royal children, and their +being transferred to the farm, where they had very cramped quarters +indeed. My second brother deeply resented being turned out of his +comfortable nursery, and refused to be placated. On the day after the +Queen's arrival, my mother took her four eldest children to present +them to Her Majesty, my sisters dressed in their best clothes, my +brothers being in kilts. They were duly instructed as to how they were +to behave, and upon being presented, my two sisters made their +curtsies, and my eldest brother made his best bow. "And this, your +Majesty, is my second boy. Make your bow, dear," said my mother; but my +brother, his heart still hot within him at being expelled from his +nursery, instead of bowing, STOOD ON HIS HEAD IN HIS KILT, and remained +like that, an accomplishment of which he was very proud. The Queen was +exceedingly angry, so later in the day, upon my brother professing deep +penitence, he was taken back to make his apologies, when he did +precisely the same thing over again, and was consequently in disgrace +during the whole of the Royal visit. In strict confidence, I believe +that he would still do it to-day, more than seventy-two years later. +</P> + +<P> +During her stay in my father's house the Queen quite unexpectedly +announced that she meant to give a dance. This put my mother in a great +difficulty, for my sisters had no proper clothes for a ball, and in +those pre-railway days it would have taken at least ten days to get +anything from Edinburgh or Glasgow. My mother had a sudden inspiration. +The muslin curtains in the drawing-room! The drawing-room curtains were +at once commandeered; the ladies'-maids set to work with a will, and I +believe that my sisters looked extremely well dressed in the curtains, +looped up with bunches of rowan or mountain-ash berries. +</P> + +<P> +My mother was honoured with Queen Victoria's close friendship and +confidence for over fifty years. At the time of her death she had in +her possession a numerous collection of letters from the Queen, many of +them very long ones. By the express terms of my mother's will, those +letters will never be published. Many of them touch on exceedingly +private matters relating to the Royal family, others refer to various +political problems of the day. I have read all those letters carefully, +and I fully endorse my mother's views. She was honoured with the +confidence of her Sovereign, and that confidence cannot be betrayed. +The letters are in safe custody, and there they will remain. On reading +them it is impossible not to be struck with Queen Victoria's amazing +shrewdness, and with her unfailing common sense. It so happens that +both a brother and a sister of mine, the late Duchess of Buccleuch, +were brought into very close contact with Queen Victoria. It was this +quality of strong common sense in the Queen which continually impressed +them, as well as her very high standard of duty. +</P> + +<P> +My brother George was twice Secretary of State for India. The Queen was +fond of suggesting amendments in the wording of dispatches relating to +India, whilst not altering their sense. My brother tells me that the +alterations suggested by the Queen were invariably in the direction of +simplification. The Queen had a knack of stripping away unnecessary +verbiage and reducing a sentence to its simplest form, in which its +meaning was unmistakably clear. +</P> + +<P> +All Queen Victoria's tastes were simple. She liked simplicity in dress, +in food, and in her surroundings. If I may say so without disrespect, I +think that Queen Victoria's great hold on her people came from the fact +that, in spite of her high station, she had the ideals, the tastes, the +likes and dislikes of the average clean-living, clean-minded wife of +the average British professional man, together with the strict ideals +as to the sanctity of the marriage-tie, the strong sense of duty, and +the high moral standard such wives usually possess. +</P> + +<P> +It is, of course, the easy fashion now to sneer at Victorian standards. +To my mind they embody all that is clean and sound in the nation. It +does not follow that because Victorians revelled in hideous wall-papers +and loved ugly furniture, that therefore their points-of-view were +mistaken ones. There are things more important than wall-papers. They +certainly liked the obvious in painting, in music, and perhaps in +literature, but it hardly seems to follow logically from that, that +their conceptions of a man's duty to his wife, family, and country were +necessarily false ones. They were not afflicted with the perpetual +modern restlessness, nor did they spend "their time in nothing else, +but either to tell, or to hear some new thing"; still, all their ideas +seem to me eminently sweet and wholesome. +</P> + +<P> +In her old age my mother was the last person living who had seen George +III. She remembered perfectly seeing the old King, in one of his rare +lucid intervals, driving through London, when he was enthusiastically +cheered. +</P> + +<P> +She was also the last person alive who had been at Carlton House which +was pulled down in 1826. My mother at the age of twelve danced as a +solo "The Spanish Shawl dance" before George IV. at the Pavilion, +Brighton. The King was so delighted with her dancing that he went up to +her and said, "You are a very pretty little girl, and you dance +charmingly. Now is there anything I can do for you?" The child +answered, "Yes, there is. Your Majesty can bring me some ham sandwiches +and a glass of port-wine negus, for I am very hungry," and to do George +IV. justice, he promptly brought them. My mother was painted by a +French artist doing her "shawl dance," and if it is a faithful +likeness, she must have been an extraordinarily pretty child. On +another occasion at a children's party at Carlton House, my uncle, +General Lord Alexander Russell, a very outspoken little boy, had been +warned by his mother, the Duchess of Bedford, that though the King wore +a palpable wig, he was to take no notice whatever of it. To my mother's +dismay, she heard her little brother go up to the King and say, "I know +that your Majesty wears a wig, but I've been told not to say anything +about it, so I promised not to tell any one." +</P> + +<P> +Carlton House stood, from all I can learn, at the top of the Duke of +York's steps. Several engravings of its beautiful gardens are still to +be found. These gardens extended from the present Carlton House Terrace +to Pall Mall. Not only the Terrace, but the Carlton, Reform, +Travellers', Athenaeum, and United Service Clubs now stand on their +site. They were separated from Pall Mall by an open colonnade, and the +Corinthian pillars from the front of Carlton House were re-erected in +1834 as the portico of the National Gallery in Trafalgar Square. +</P> + +<P> +As a child I had a wild adoration for Queen Alexandra (then, of course, +Princess of Wales), whom I thought the most beautiful person I had ever +seen in my life, and I dare say that I was not far wrong. When I was +taken to Marlborough House, I remembered and treasured up every single +word she said to me. I was not present at the child's tea-party at +Marlborough House given by the little Princess, including his present +Majesty, when SOME ONE (my loyalty absolutely refuses to let me say +who) suggested that as the woven flowers on the carpet looked rather +faded, it might be as well to water them. The boys present, including +the little Princes, gleefully emptied can after can of water on to the +floor in their attempts to revive the carpet, to the immense +improvement of the ceiling and furniture of the room underneath. +</P> + +<P> +In the "sixties" Sunday was very strictly observed. In our own +Sabbatarian family, our toys and books all disappeared on Saturday +night. On Sundays we were only allowed to read Line upon Line, The Peep +of Day, and The Fairchild Family. I wonder if any one ever reads this +book now. If they haven't, they should. Mr. and Mrs. Fairchild were, I +regret to say it, self-righteous prigs of the deepest dye, whilst Lucy, +Emily, and Henry, their children, were all little prodigies of +precocious piety. It was a curious menage; Mr. Fairchild having no +apparent means of livelihood, and no recreations beyond perpetually +reading the Bible under a tree in the garden. Mrs. Fairchild had the +peculiar gift of being able to recite a different prayer off by heart +applicable to every conceivable emergency; whilst John, their +man-servant, was a real "handy-man," for he was not only gardener, but +looked after the horse and trap, cleaned out the pigsties, and waited +at table. One wonders in what sequence he performed his various duties, +but perhaps the Fairchilds had not sensitive noses. Even the possibly +odoriferous John had a marvellous collection of texts at his command. +It was refreshing after all this to learn that on one occasion all +three of the little Fairchilds got very drunk, which, as the eldest of +them was only ten, would seem to indicate that, in spite of their +aggressive piety, they had their fair dose of original sin still left +in them. I liked the book notwithstanding. There was plenty about +eating and drinking; one could always skip the prayers, and there were +three or four very brightly written accounts of funerals in it. I was +present at a "Fairchild Family" dinner given some twenty years ago in +London by Lady Buxton, wife of the present Governor-General of South +Africa, at which every one of the guests had to enact one of the +characters of the book. +</P> + +<P> +My youngest brother had a great taste for drawing, and was perpetually +depicting terrific steeplechases. From a confusion of ideas natural to +a child, he always introduced a church steeple into the corner of his +drawings. One Sunday he had drawn a most spirited and hotly-contested +"finish" to a steeplechase. When remonstrated with on the ground that +it was not a "Sunday" subject, he pointed to the church steeple and +said, "You don't understand. This is Sunday, and those jockeys are all +racing to see which of them can get to church first," which strikes me +as a peculiarly ready and ingenious explanation for a child of six. +</P> + +<P> +In London we all went on Sundays to the Scottish Presbyterian Church in +Crown Court, just opposite Drury Lane Theatre. Dr. Cumming, the +minister of the church at that time, enjoyed an immense reputation +amongst his congregation. He was a very eloquent man, but was +principally known as always prophesying the imminent end of the world. +He had been a little unfortunate in some of the dates he had predicted +for the final cataclysm, these dates having slipped by uneventfully +without anything whatever happening, but finally definitely fixed on a +date in 1867 as the exact date of the Great Catastrophe. His influence +with his flock rather diminished when it was found that Dr. Cumming had +renewed the lease of his house for twenty-one years, only two months +before the date he had fixed with absolute certainty as being the end +of all things. All the same, I am certain that he was thoroughly in +earnest and perfectly genuine in his convictions. As a child I thought +the church—since rebuilt—absolutely beautiful, but it was in reality +a great, gaunt, barn-like structure. It was always crammed. We were +very old-fashioned, for we sat down to sing, and we stood to pray, and +there was no instrument of any sort. The pew in front of us belonged to +Lord Aberdeen, and his brother Admiral Gordon, one of the Elders, +always sat in it with his high hat on, conversing at the top of his +voice until the minister entered, when he removed his hat and kept +silence. This was, I believe, intended as a protest against the idea of +there being any special sanctity attached to the building itself qua +building. Dr. Cumming had recently introduced an anthem, a new +departure rather dubiously welcomed by his flock. It was the singular +custom of his congregation to leave their pews during the singing of +this anthem and to move about in the aisles; whether as a protest +against a daring innovation, or merely to stretch their limbs, or to +seek better places, I could never make out. +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Cumming invariably preached for over an hour, sometimes for an hour +and a half, and yet I never felt bored or wearied by his long +discourses, but really looked forward to them. This was because his +sermons, instead of consisting of a string of pious platitudes, +interspersed with trite ejaculations and irrelevant quotations, were +one long chain of closely-reasoned argument. Granted his first premiss, +his second point followed logically from it, and so he led his hearers +on point by point, all closely argued, to an indisputable conclusion. I +suppose that the inexorable logic of it all appealed to the Scottish +side of me. His preaching had the same fascination for me that Euclid's +propositions exercised later, even on my hopelessly unmathematical mind. +</P> + +<P> +Whatever the weather, we invariably walked home from Drury Lane to +South Audley Street, a long trudge for young feet, as my mother had +scruples about using the carriages on Sundays. +</P> + +<P> +Neither my father nor my mother ever dined out on a Sunday, nor did +they invite people to dinner on that day, for they wished as far as +possible to give those in their employment a day of rest. All quite +hopelessly Victorian! for, after all, why should people ever think of +anybody but themselves? +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Cumming was a great bee-fancier, and a recognised authority on +bees. Calling one day on my mother, he brought with him four queen-bees +of a new breed, each one encased in a little paper bag. He prided +himself on his skill in handling bees, and proudly exhibited those +treasures to my mother. He replaced them in their paper bags, and being +a very absent-minded man, he slipped the bags into the tail pocket of +his clerical frock-coat. Soon after he began one of his long arguments +(probably fixing the exact date of the end of the world), and, totally +oblivious of the presence of the bees in his tail pocket, he leant +against the mantelpiece. The queen-bees, naturally resenting the +pressure, stung him through the cloth on that portion of his anatomy +immediately nearest to their temporary prison. Dr. Cumming yelled with +pain, and began skipping all round the room. It so tickled my fancy to +see the grim and austere minister, who towered above me in the pulpit +every Sunday, executing a sort of solo-Jazz dance up and down the big +room, punctuated with loud cries, that I rolled about on the floor with +laughter. +</P> + +<P> +The London of the "sixties" was a very dark and dingy place. The +streets were sparingly lit with the dimmest of gas-jets set very far +apart: the shop-windows made no display of lights, and the general +effect was one of intense gloom. +</P> + +<P> +Until I was seven years old, I had never left the United Kingdom. We +then all went to Paris for a fortnight, on our way to the Riviera. I +well remember leaving London at 7 a.m. on a January morning, in the +densest of fogs. So thick was the fog that the footman had to lead the +horses all the way to Charing Cross Station. Ten hours later I found +myself in a fairy city of clean white stone houses, literally blazing +with light. I had never imagined such a beautiful, attractive place, +and indeed the contrast between the dismal London of the "sixties" and +this brilliant, glittering town was unbelievable. Paris certainly +deserved the title of "La Ville Lumiere" in a literal sense. I like the +French expression, "une ville ruisselante de lumiere," "a city dripping +with light." That is an apt description of the Paris of the Second +Empire, for it was hardly a manufacturing city then, and the great rim +of outlying factories that now besmirch the white stone of its house +fronts had not come into existence, the atmosphere being as clear as in +the country. A naturally retentive memory is apt to store up perfectly +useless items of information. What possible object can there be to my +remembering that the engine which hauled us from Calais to Paris in +1865 was built by J. Cail of Paris, on the "Crampton" system; that is, +that the axle of the big single driving-wheels did not run under the +frame of the engine, but passed through the "cab" immediately under the +pressure-gauge?—nor can any useful purpose be served in recalling that +we crossed the Channel in the little steamer La France. +</P> + +<P> +In those days people of a certain class in England maintained far +closer social relations with people of the corresponding class in +France than is the custom now, and this was mutual. Society in both +capitals was far smaller. My father and mother had many friends in +Paris, and amongst the oldest of them were the Comte and Comtesse de +Flahault. General de Flahault had been the personal aide-de-camp and +trusted friend of Napoleon I. Some people, indeed, declared that his +connection with Napoleon III. was of a far closer nature, for his great +friendship with Queen Hortense was a matter of common knowledge. For +some reason or another the old General took a fancy to me, and finding +that I could talk French fluently, he used to take me to his room, +stuff me with chocolate, and tell me about Napoleon's Russian campaign +in 1812, in which he had taken part, I was then seven years old, and +the old Comte must have been seventy-eight or so, but it is curious +that I should have heard from the actual lips of a man who had taken +part in it, the account of the battle of Borodino, of the entry of the +French troops into Moscow, of the burning of Moscow, and of the awful +sufferings the French underwent during their disastrous retreat from +Moscow. General de Flahault had been present at the terrible carnage of +the crossing of the Beresina on November 26, 1812, and had got both his +feet frost-bitten there, whilst his faithful servant David had died +from the effects of the cold. I wish that I could have been older then, +or have had more historical knowledge, for it was a unique opportunity +for acquiring information. I wish, too, that I could recall more of +what M. de Flahault told me. I have quite vivid recollections of the +old General himself, of the room in which we sat, and especially of the +chocolates which formed so agreeable an accompaniment to our +conversations. Still it remains an interesting link with the Napoleonic +era. This is 1920; that was 1812! +</P> + +<P> +I can never hear Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" without thinking of +General de Flahault. The present Lord Lansdowne is the Comte de +Flahault's grandson. +</P> + +<P> +Nearly fifty years later another interesting link with the past was +forged. I was dining with Prince and Princess Christian of +Schleswig-Holstein at Schomberg House. When the ladies left the room +after dinner, H. R. H. was good enough to ask me to sit next him. Some +train of thought was at work in the Prince's mind, for he suddenly +said, "Do you know that you are sitting next a man who once took +Napoleon I.'s widow, the Empress Marie Louise, in to dinner?" and the +Prince went on to say that as a youth of seventeen he had accompanied +his father on a visit to the Emperor of Austria at Schonbrunn. On the +occasion of a state dinner, one of the Austrian Archdukes became +suddenly indisposed. Sooner than upset all the arrangements, the young +Prince of Schleswig-Holstein was given the ex-Empress to lead in to +dinner. +</P> + +<P> +I must again repeat that this is 1920. Napoleon married Marie Louise in +1810. +</P> + +<P> +Both my younger brother and I were absolutely fascinated by Paris, its +streets and public gardens. As regards myself, something of the glamour +of those days still remains; Paris is not quite to me as other towns, +and I love its peculiar smell, which a discriminating nose would +analyse as one-half wood-smoke, one-quarter roasting coffee, and +one-quarter drains. During the eighteen years of the Second Empire, +Paris reached a height of material prosperity and of dazzling +brilliance which she has never known before nor since. The undisputed +social capital of Europe, the equally undisputed capital of literature +and art, the great pleasure-city of the world, she stood alone and +without a rival. "La Ville Lumiere!" My mother remembered the Paris of +her youth as a place of tortuous, abominably paved, dimly lit streets, +poisoned with atrocious smells; this glittering town of palaces and +broad white avenues was mainly the creation of Napoleon III. himself, +aided by Baron Georges Haussmann and the engineer Adolphe Alphand, who +between them evolved and made the splendid Paris that we know. +</P> + +<P> +We loved the Tuileries gardens, a most attractive place for children in +those days. There were swings and merry-go-rounds; there were stalls +where hot brioches and gaufres were to be bought; there were, above +all, little marionette theatres where the most fascinating dramas were +enacted. Our enjoyment of these performances was rather marred by our +anxious nurse, who was always terrified lest there should be "something +French" in the little plays; something quite unfitted for the eyes and +ears of two staid little Britons. As the worthy woman was a most +indifferent French scholar, we were often hurried away quite +unnecessarily from the most innocuous performances when our faithful +watch-dog scented the approach of "something French." All the shops +attracted us, but especially the delightful toy-shops. Here, again, we +were seldom allowed to linger, our trusty guardian being obsessed with +the idea that the toy-shops might include amongst their wares +"something French." She was perfectly right; there WAS often something +"very French," but my brother and I had always seen it and noted it +before we were moved off from the windows. +</P> + +<P> +I wonder if any "marchands de coco" still survive in Paris. "Coco" had +nothing to do with cocoa, but was a most mawkish beverage compounded +principally of liquorice and water. The attraction about it lay in the +great tank the vendor carried strapped to his back. This tank was +covered with red velvet and gold tinsel, and was surmounted with a +number of little tinkling silver bells. In addition to that, the +"marchand de coco" carried all over him dozens of silver goblets, or, +at all events, goblets that looked like silver, in which he handed out +his insipid brew. Who would not long to drink out of a silver cup a +beverage that flowed out of a red and gold tank, covered with little +silver bells, be it never so mawkish? +</P> + +<P> +The gardens of the Luxembourg were, if anything, even more attractive +than the Tuileries gardens. +</P> + +<P> +Another delightful place for children was the Hippodrome, long since +demolished and built over. It was a huge open-air stadium, where, in +addition to ordinary circus performances, there were chariot-races and +gladiatorial combats. The great attraction of the Hippodrome was that +all the performers were driven into the arena in a real little +Cinderella gilt coach, complete with four little ponies, a diminutive +coachman, and two tiny little footmen. +</P> + +<P> +Talking of Cinderella, I always wonder that no one has pointed out the +curious mistake the original translator of this story fell into. If any +one will take the trouble to consult Perrault's Cendrillon in the +original French, he or she will find that Cinderella went to the ball +with her feet encased in "des pantoufles de vair." Now, vair means grey +or white fur, ermine or miniver. The word is now obsolete, though it +still survives in heraldry. The translator, misled by the similarity of +sound between "vair" and "verre," rendered it "glass" instead of +"ermine," and Cinderella's glass slippers have become a British +tradition. What would "Cinderella" be as a pantomime without the scene +where she triumphantly puts on her glass slipper? And yet, a little +reflection would show that it would be about as easy to dance in a pair +of glass slippers as it would in a pair of fisherman's waders. +</P> + +<P> +I remember well seeing Napoleon III. and the Empress Eugenie driving +down the Rue de Rivoli on their return from the races at Longchamp. I +and my brother were standing close to the edge of the pavement, and +they passed within a few feet of us. They were driving in a +char-a-banes—in French parlance, "attele a la Daumont"—that is, with +four horses, of which the wheelers are driven from the box by a +coachman, and the leaders ridden by a postilion. The Emperor and +Empress were attended by an escort of mounted Cent-Gardes, and over the +carriage there was a curious awning of light blue silk, with a heavy +gold fringe, probably to shield the occupants from the sun at the +races. I thought the Emperor looked very old and tired, but the Empress +was still radiantly beautiful. My young brother, even then a bigoted +little patriot, obstinately refused to take off his cap. "He isn't MY +Emperor," he kept repeating, "and I won't do it." The shrill cries of +"Vive l'Empereur!" seemed to me a very inadequate substitute for the +full-throated cheers with which our own Queen was received when she +drove through London. I used to hear the Emperor alluded to as +"Badinguet" by the hall-porter of our hotel, who was a Royalist, and +consequently detested the Bonapartes. +</P> + +<P> +My father had been on very friendly terms with Napoleon III., then +Prince Louis Napoleon, during the period of his exile in London in +1838, when he lived in King Street, St. James'. Prince Louis Napoleon +acted as my father's "Esquire" at the famous Eglinton Tournament in +August, 1839. The tournament, over which such a vast amount of trouble +and expense had been lavished, was ruined by an incessant downpour of +rain, which lasted four days. My father gave me as a boy the "Challenge +Shield" with coat of arms, which hung outside his tent at the +tournament, and that shield has always accompanied me in my wanderings. +It hangs within a few feet of me as I write, as it hung forty-three +years ago in my room in Berlin, and later in Petrograd, Lisbon, and +Buenos Ayres. +</P> + +<P> +One of the great sights of Paris in the "sixties," whilst it was still +gas-lighted, was the "cordon de lumiere de la Rue de Rivoli." As every +one knows, the Rue de Rivoli is nearly two miles long, and runs +perfectly straight, being arcaded throughout its length. In every arch +of the arcades there hung then a gas lamp. At night the continuous +ribbon of flame from these lamps, stretching in endless vista down the +street, was a fascinatingly beautiful sight. Every French provincial +who visited Paris was expected to admire the "cordon de lumiere de la +Rue de Rivoli." Now that electricity has replaced gas, I fancy that the +lamps are placed further apart, and so the effect of a continuous +quivering band of yellow flame is lost. Equally every French provincial +had to admire the "luxe de gaz" of the Place de la Concorde. It +certainly blazed with gas, but now with electric arc-lamps there is +double the light with less than a tenth of the number of old flickering +gas-lamps; another example of quality vs. quantity. +</P> + +<P> +Most of my father and mother's French friends lived in the Faubourg +Saint Germain. Their houses, though no doubt very fine for +entertaining, were dark and gloomy in the daytime. Our little friends +of my own age seemed all to inhabit dim rooms looking into courtyards, +where, however, we were bidden to unbelievably succulent repasts, very +different to the plain fare to which we were accustomed at home. Both +my brother and myself were, I think, unconscious as to whether we were +speaking English or French; we could express ourselves with equal +facility in either language. When I first went to school, I could speak +French as well as English, and it is a wonderful tribute to the +efficient methods of teaching foreign languages practised in our +English schools, that at the end of nine years of French lessons, both +at a preparatory school and at Harrow, I had not forgotten much more +than seventy-five per cent. of the French I knew when I went there. In +the same way, after learning German at Harrow for two-and-a-half years, +my linguistic attainments in that language were limited to two words, +ja and nein. It is true that, for some mysterious reason, German was +taught us at Harrow by a Frenchman who had merely a bowing +acquaintanceship with the tongue. +</P> + +<P> +In 1865 the fastest train from Paris to the Riviera took twenty-six +hours to accomplish the journey, and then was limited to first-class +passengers. There were, of course, neither dining-cars nor sleeping +cars, no heating, and no toilet accommodation. Eight people were jammed +into a first-class compartment, faintly lit by the dim flicker of an +oil-lamp, and there they remained. I remember that all the French +ladies took off their bonnets or hats, and replaced them with thick +knitted woollen hoods and capes combined, which they fastened tightly +round their heads. They also drew on knitted woollen over-boots; these, +I suppose, were remnants of the times, not very far distant then, when +all-night journeys had frequently to be made in the diligence. +</P> + +<P> +The Riviera of 1865 was not the garish, flamboyant rendezvous of +cosmopolitan finance, of ostentatious newly acquired wealth, and of +highly decorative ladies which it has since become. Cannes, in +particular, was a quiet little place of surpassing beauty, frequented +by a few French and English people, most of whom were there on account +of some delicate member of their families. We went there solely because +my sister, Lady Mount Edgcumbe, had already been attacked by +lung-disease, and to prolong her life it was absolutely necessary for +her to winter in a warm climate. Lord Brougham, the ex-Lord Chancellor, +had virtually created Cannes, as far as English people were concerned, +and the few hotels there were still unpretentious and comfortable. +</P> + +<P> +Amongst the French boys of our own age with whom we played daily was +Antoine de Mores, eldest son of the Duc de Vallombrosa. Later on in +life the Marquis de Mores became a fanatical Anglophobe, and he lost +his life leading an army of irregular Arab cavalry against the British +forces in the Sudan; murdered, if I remember rightly, by his own men. +Most regretfully do I attribute Antoine de Mores' violent Anglophobia +to the very rude things I and my brother were in the habit of saying to +him when we quarrelled, which happened on an average about four times a +day. +</P> + +<P> +The favourite game of these French boys was something like our "King of +the Castle," only that the victor had to plant his flag on the summit +of the "Castle." Amongst our young friends were the two sons of the Duc +Des Cars, a strong Legitimist, the Vallombrosa boy's family being +Bonapartists. So whilst my brother and I naturally carried "Union +Jacks," young Antoine de Mores had a tricolour, but the two Des Cars +boys carried white silk flags, with a microscopic border of blue and +red ribbon running down either side. One day, as boys will do, we +marched through the town in procession with our flags, when the police +stopped us and seized the young Des Cars' white banners, the display of +the white flag of the Bourbons being then strictly forbidden in France. +The Des Cars boys' abbe, or priest-tutor, pointed out to the police the +narrow edging of red and blue on either side, and insisted on it that +the flags were really tricolours, though the proportion in which the +colours were displayed might be an unusual one. The three colours were +undoubtedly there, so the police released the flags, though I feel sure +that that abbe must have been a Jesuit. +</P> + +<P> +The Comte de Chambord (the Henri V. of the Legitimists) was virtually +offered the throne of France in either 1874 or 1875, but all the +negotiations failed because he obstinately refused to recognise the +Tricolour, and insisted upon retaining the white flag of his ancestors. +Any one with the smallest knowledge of the psychology of the French +nation must have known that under no circumstances whatever would they +consent to abandon their adored Tricolour. The Tricolour is part of +themselves: it is a part of their very souls; it is more than a flag, +it is almost a religion. I wonder that in 1875 it never occurred to any +one to suggest to the Comte de Chambord the ingenious expedient of the +Des Cars boys. The Tricolour would be retained as the national flag, +but the King could have as his personal standard a white flag bordered +with almost invisible bands of blue and red. Technically, it would +still be a tricolour, and on the white expanse the golden fleur-de-lys +of the Bourbons could be embroidered, or any other device. +</P> + +<P> +Even had the Comte de Chambord ascended the throne, I am convinced that +his tenure of it as Henri V. would have been a very brief one, given +the temperament of the French nation. +</P> + +<P> +My youngest brother managed to contract typhoid fever at Cannes about +this time, and during his convalescence he was moved to an hotel +standing on much higher ground than our villa, on account of the +fresher air there. A Madame Goldschmidt was staying at this hotel, and +she took a great fancy to the little fellow, then about six years old. +On two occasions I found Madame Goldschmidt in my brother's room, +singing to him in a voice as sweet and spontaneous as a bird's. My +brother was a very highly favoured little mortal, for Madame +Goldschmidt was no other than the world-famous Jenny Lind, the +incomparable songstress who had had all Europe at her feet. She had +then retired from the stage for some years, but her voice was as sweet +as ever. The nineteenth century was fortunate in having produced two +such peerless singers as Adelina Patti and Jenny Lind, "the Swedish +Nightingale." The present generation are not likely to hear their +equals. Both these great singers had that same curious bird-like +quality in their voices; they sang without any effort in crystal-clear +tones, as larks sing. +</P> + +<P> +In 1865 it was announced that there would be a great regatta at Cannes +in the spring of 1866, and that the Emperor Napoleon would give a +special prize for the open rowing (not sculling) championship of the +Mediterranean. We further learnt that the whole of the French +Mediterranean fleet would be at Villefranche at the time, and that +picked oarsmen from the fleet would compete for the championship. My +father at once determined to win this prize; the idea became a perfect +obsession with him, and he determined to have a special boat built. +When we returned to England, he went to Oxford and entered into long +consultations with a famous boat-builder there. The boat, a four-oar, +had to be built on special lines. She must be light and fast, yet +capable of withstanding a heavy sea, for off Cannes the Mediterranean +can be very lumpy indeed, and it would be obviously inconvenient to +have the boat swamped, and her crew all drowned. The boat-builder +having mastered the conditions, felt certain that he could turn out the +craft required, which my father proposed to stroke himself. +</P> + +<P> +When we returned to Cannes in 1866, the completed boat was sent out by +sea, and we saw her released from her casing with immense interest. She +was christened in due form, with a bottle of champagne, by our first +cousin, the venerable Lady de Ros, and named the Abercorn. Lady de Ros +was a daughter of the Duke of Richmond, and had been present at the +famous ball in Brussels on the eve of Waterloo in 1815; a ball given by +her father in honour of her youngest sister. +</P> + +<P> +The crew then went into serious training. Bow was Sir David Erskine, +for many years Sergeant-at-Arms of the House of Commons; No. 2, my +brother-in-law, Lord Mount Edgcumbe; No. 3, General Sir George +Higginson, with my father as stroke. Lord Elphinstone, who had been in +the Navy early in life, officiated as coxswain. But my father was then +fifty-five years old, and he soon found out that his heart was no +longer equal to the strain to which so long and so very arduous a +course (three miles), in rough water, would subject it. As soon as he +realised that his age might militate against the chance of his crew +winning, he resigned his place in the boat in favour of Sir George +Higginson, who was replaced as No. 3 by Mr. Meysey-Clive. My father +took Lord Elphinstone's place as coxswain, but here, again, his weight +told against him. He was over six feet high and proportionately broad, +and he brought the boat's stern too low down in the water, so Lord +Elphinstone was re-installed, and my father most reluctantly had to +content himself with the role of a spectator, in view of his age. The +crew dieted strictly, ran in the mornings, and went to bed early. They +were none of them in their first youth, for Sir George Higginson was +then forty; Sir David Erskine was twenty-eight; my brother-in-law, Lord +Mount Edgcumbe, thirty-four; and Lord Elphinstone thirty-eight. +</P> + +<P> +The great day of the race arrived. We met with one signal piece of +ill-luck. Our No. 3, Mr. Meysey-Clive, had gone on board the French +flagship, and was unable to get ashore again in time, so at the very +last minute a young Oxford rowing-man, the late Mr. Philip Green, +volunteered to replace him, though he was not then in training. The +French men-of-war produced huge thirty-oared galleys, with two men at +each oar. There were also smaller twenty and twelve-oared boats, but +not a single "four" but ours. The sea was heavy and lumpy, the course +was five kilometres (three miles), and there was a fresh breeze blowing +off the land. Our little mahogany Oxford-built boat, lying very low in +the water, looked pitiably small beside the great French galleys. It +wasn't even David and Goliath, it was as though "Little Tich" stood up +to Georges Carpentier. We saw the race from a sailing yacht; my father +absolutely beside himself with excitement. +</P> + +<P> +Off they went! The French galleys lumbering along at a great pace, +their crews pulling a curiously short stroke, and their coxswains +yelling "En avant, mes braves!" with all the strength of their lungs. +It must have been very like the boat-race Virgil describes in the fifth +book of the Aeneid. There was the "huge Chimaera" the "mighty Centaur" +and possibly even the "dark-blue Scylla" with their modern counterparts +of Gyas, Sergestus, and Cloanthus, bawling just as lustily as doubtless +those coxswains of old shouted; no one, however, struck on the rocks, +as we are told the unfortunate "Centaur" did. Still the little +mahogany-built Abercorn continued to forge ahead of her unwieldy French +competitors. The Frenchmen splashed and spurted nobly, but the little +Oxford-built boat increased her lead, her silken "Union Jack" trailing +in the water. All the muscles of the French fleet came into play; the +admiral's barge churned the water into creaming foam; "mes braves" were +incited to superhuman exertions; in spite of it all, the Abercorn shot +past the mark-boat, a winner by a length and a half. +</P> + +<P> +My father was absolutely frantic with delight. We reached the shore +long before our crew did, for they had to return to receive the judge's +formal award. He ceremoniously decorated our boat's bows with a large +laurel-wreath, and so—her stem adorned with laurels, and the large +silk "Union Jack" trailing over her stern—the little mahogany +Oxford-built boat paddled through the lines of her French competitors. +I am sorry to have to record that the French took their defeat in a +most unsportsmanlike fashion; the little Abercorn was received all down +the line with storms of hoots and hisses. Possibly we, too, might feel +annoyed if, say at Portsmouth, in a regatta in which all the crack +oarsmen of the British Home Fleet were competing, a French four should +suddenly appear from nowhere, and walk off with the big prize of the +day. Still, the conditions of the Cannes regatta were clear; this was +an open race, open to any nationality, and to any rowing craft of any +size or build, though the result was thought a foregone certainty for +the French naval crews. +</P> + +<P> +Our crew were terribly exhausted when they landed. They had had a very +very severe pull, in a heavy sea, and with a strong head-wind against +them, and most of them were no longer young; still, after a bath and a +change of clothing, and, quite possibly, a brandy-and-soda or two +(nobody ever drank whisky in the "sixties"), they pulled themselves +together again. It was Lord Mount Edgcumbe who first suggested that as +there was an afternoon dance that day at the Cercle Nautique de la +Mediterranee, they should all adjourn to the club and dance vigorously, +just to show what sturdy, hard-bitten dogs they were, to whom a +strenuous three-mile pull in a heavy sea was a mere trifle, even though +some of them were forty years old. So off we all went to the Cercle, +and I well remember seeing my brother-in-law and Sir George Higginson +gyrating wildly and ceaselessly round the ball-room, tired out though +they were. Between ourselves, our French friends were immensely +impressed with this exhibition of British vigour, and almost forgave +our boat for having won the rowing championship of the Mediterranean. +</P> + +<P> +At the Villa Beaulieu where we lived, there were immense rejoicings +that night. Of course all our crew dined there, and I was allowed to +come down to dinner myself. Toasts were proposed; healths were drunk +again and again. Speeches were made, and the terrific cheering must +have seriously weakened the rafters and roof of the house. No one +grudged my father his immense satisfaction, for after all he had +originated the idea of winning the championship of the Mediterranean, +and had had the boat built at his sole expense, and it was not his +defects as an oarsman but his fifty-five years which had prevented him +from stroking his own boat. +</P> + +<P> +Long after I had been sent to bed, I heard the uproar from below +continuing, and, in the strictest confidence, I have every reason to +believe that they made a real night of it. +</P> + +<P> +Two of that crew are still alive. Gallant old Sir George Higginson was +born in 1826, consequently the General is now ninety-four years of age. +The splendid old veteran's mental faculties are as acute as ever; he is +not afflicted with deafness and he is still upright as a dart, though +his eyesight has failed him. It is to Sir George and to Sir David +Erskine that I am indebted for the greater portion of the details +concerning this boat-race of 1866, and of its preliminaries, for many +of these would not have come within the scope of my knowledge at nine +years of age. +</P> + +<P> +Sir David Erskine, the other member of the crew still surviving, +ex-Sergeant-at-Arms, was a most familiar, respected, and greatly +esteemed personality to all those who have sat in the House of Commons +during the last forty years. I might perhaps have put it more strongly; +for he was invariably courteous, and such a great gentleman. Sir David +was born in 1838, consequently he is now eighty-two years old. +</P> + +<P> +One of my brothers has still in his keeping a very large gold medal. +One side of it bears the effigy of "Napoleon III., Empereur des +Francais." The other side testifies that it is the "Premier Prix +d'Avirons de la Mediterrannee, 1866." The ugly hybrid word +"Championnat" for "Championship" had not then been acclimatised in +France. +</P> + +<P> +Shortly after the boat-race, being now nine years old, I went home to +England to go to school. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap03"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER III +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +A new departure—A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"—The Irish mail +service—The wonderful old paddle mail-boats—The convivial waiters of +the Munster—The Viceregal Lodge-Indians and pirates—The imagination +of youth—A modest personal ambition—Death-warrants; imaginary and +real—The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7—The Abergele railway accident—A +Dublin Drawing-Room—Strictly private ceremonials—Some of the +amenities of the Chapel Royal—An unbidden spectator of the State +dinners—Irish wit—Judge Keogh—Father Healy—Happy Dublin knack of +nomenclature—An unexpected honour and its cause—Incidents of the +Fenian rising—Dr. Hatchell—A novel prescription—Visit of King +Edward—Gorgeous ceremonial but a chilly drive—An anecdote of Queen +Alexandra. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +Upon returning from school for my first holidays, I learnt that my +father had been appointed Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, and that we were +in consequence to live now for the greater portion of the year in +Dublin. +</P> + +<P> +We were all a little doubtful as to how we should like this new +departure. Dublin was, of course, fairly familiar to us from our stays +there, when we travelled to and from the north of Ireland. Some of the +minor customs of the "sixties" seem so remote now that it may be worth +while recalling them. In common with most Ulster people, we always +stayed at the Bilton Hotel in Dublin, a fine old Georgian house in +Sackville Street. Everything at the Bilton was old, solid, heavy, and +eminently respectable. All the plate was of real Georgian silver, and +all the furniture in the big gloomy bedrooms was of solid, not +veneered, mahogany. Quite invariably my father was received in the +hall, on arrival, by the landlord, with a silver candlestick in his +hand. The landlord then proceeded ceremoniously to "light us upstairs" +to a sitting-room on the first floor, although the staircase was bright +with gas. This was a survival from the eighteenth century, when +staircases and passages in inns were but dimly lit; but it was an +attention that was expected. In the same way, when dinner was ready in +our sitting-room, the landlord always brought in the silver soup-tureen +with his own hands, placed it ceremoniously before my father, and +removed the cover with a great flourish; after which he retired, and +left the rest to the waiter. This was another traditional attention. +</P> + +<P> +Towards the end of dinner it became my father's turn to repay these +civilities. Though he himself very rarely touched wine, he would look +down the wine-list until he found a peculiarly expensive port. This he +would order for what was then termed "the good of the house." When this +choice product of the Bilton bins made its appearance, wreathed in +cobwebs, in a wicker cradle, my father would send the waiter with a +message to the landlord, "My compliments to Mr. Massingberg, and will +he do me the favour of drinking a glass of wine with me." So the +landlord would reappear, and, sitting down opposite my father, they +would solemnly dispose of the port, and let us trust that it never gave +either of them the faintest twinge of gout. These little mutual +attentions were then expected on both sides. Neither my father nor +mother ever used the word "hotel" in speaking of any hostelry in the +United Kingdom. Like all their contemporaries, they always spoke of an +"inn." +</P> + +<P> +In 1860 a new contract had been signed with the Post Office by the +London and North-Western Railway and the City of Dublin Steam-Packet +Co., by which they jointly undertook to convey the mails between London +and Dublin in eleven hours. Up to 1860, the time occupied by the +journey was from fourteen to sixteen hours. Everything in this world +being relative, this was rapidity itself compared to the five days my +uncle, Lord John Russell, the future Prime Minister, spent on the +journey in 1806. He was then a schoolboy at Westminster, his father, +the sixth Duke of Bedford, being Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland. My uncle, +who kept a diary from his earliest days, gives an account of this +journey in it. He spent three days going by stage-coach to Holyhead, +sleeping on the way at Coventry and Chester, and thirty-eight hours +crossing the Channel in a sailing-packet. The wind shifting, the packet +had to land her passengers at Balbriggan, twenty-one miles north of +Dublin, from which my uncle took a special post-chaise to Dublin, +presenting his glad parents, on his arrival, with a bill for L31 16s., +a nice fare for a boy of fourteen to pay for going home for his +holidays! +</P> + +<P> +In order to fulfil the terms of the 1860 contract, the mail-trains had +to cover the 264 miles between London and Holyhead at an average rate +of 42 miles per hour; an unprecedented speed in those days. People then +thought themselves most heroic in entrusting their lives to a train +that travelled with such terrific velocity as the "Wild Irishman." It +was to meet this acceleration that Mr. Ramsbottom, the Locomotive +Superintendent of the London and North-Western Railway, devised a +scheme for laying water-troughs between the rails, by which the engine +could pick up water through a scoop whilst running. I have somewhere +seen this claimed as an American innovation, but the North-Western +engines have been picking up water daily now ever since 1861; nearly +sixty years ago. +</P> + +<P> +The greatest improvement, however, was effected in the cross-Channel +passage. To accomplish the sixty-five miles between Holyhead and +Kingstown in the contract time of four hours, the City of Dublin Co. +built four paddle-vessels, far exceeding any cross-Channel steamer then +afloat in tonnage, speed and accommodation. They were over three +hundred feet in length, of two thousand tons burden, and had a speed of +fifteen knots. Of these the Munster, Connaught, and Ulster were built +by Laird of Birkenhead, while the Leinster was built in London by +Samuda. These boats were most elaborately and comfortably fitted up, +and many people of my age, who were in the habit of travelling +constantly to Ireland, retain a feeling of almost personal affection +for those old paddle-wheel mailboats which carried them so often in +safety across St. George's Channel. It is possible that this feeling +may be stronger in those who, like myself, are unaffected by +sea-sickness. I think that we all took a pride in the finest Channel +steamers then afloat, and, as a child, I was always conscious of a +little added dignity and an extra ray of reflected glory when crossing +in the Leinster or the Connaught, for they had four funnels each. I +think that I am correct in saying that these splendid seaboats never +missed one single passage, whatever the weather, for nearly forty +years, until they were superseded by the present three thousand tons, +twenty-four knot twin-screw boats. The old paddle-wheelers were +rejuvenated in 1883, when they were fitted with forced draught, and +their paddles were submerged deeper, giving them an extra speed of two +knots. Their engines being "simple," they consumed a perfectly ruinous +amount of coal, sixty-four tons for the round trip; considerably more +than the coal consumption of the present twenty-four knotters. +</P> + +<P> +In the "sixties" a new Lord-Lieutenant crossed in a special +mail-steamer, for which he had the privilege of paying. +</P> + +<P> +When my father went over to be sworn-in, we arrived at Holyhead in the +evening, and on going on board the special steamer Munster, we found a +sumptuous supper awaiting us. +</P> + +<P> +There is an incident connected with that supper of which, of course, I +knew nothing at the time, but which was told me more than thirty years +after by Mrs. Campbell, the comely septuagenarian head-stewardess of +the Munster, who had been in the ship for forty-four years. Most +habitual travelers to Ireland will cherish very kindly recollections of +genial old Mrs. Campbell, with her wonderfully fresh complexion and her +inexhaustible fund of stories. +</P> + +<P> +It appears that the supper had been supplied by a firm of Dublin +caterers, who sent four of their own waiters with it, much to the +indignation of the steward's staff, who resented this as a slight on +their professional abilities. +</P> + +<P> +Mrs. Campbell told me the story in some such words as these: +</P> + +<P> +"About ten minutes before your father, the new Lord-Lieutenant, was +expected, the chiefs-steward put his head into the ladies' cabin and +called out to me, 'Mrs. Campbell, ma'am! For the love of God come into +the saloon this minute.' 'What is it, then, Mr. Murphy?' says I. 'Wait +till ye see,' says he. So I go into the saloon where there was the +table set out for supper, so grand that ye wouldn't believe it, and +them four Dublin waiters was all lying dead-drunk on the saloon floor. +</P> + +<P> +"'I put out the spirit decanters on the supper-table,' says Mr. Murphy, +'and see! Them Dublin waiters have every drop of it drunk on me,' he +goes on, showing me the empty decanters. 'They have three bottles of +champagne drunk on me besides. What will we do with them now? The new +Lord Lieutenant may be arriving this minute, and we have no time to +move the drunk waiters for'ard. Will we put them in the little +side-cabins here?' 'Ah then!' says I, 'and have them roaring and +shouting, and knocking the place down maybe in half an hour or so? I'm +surprised at ye, Mr. Murphy. We'll put the drunk waiters under the +saloon table, and you must get another table-cloth. We'll pull it down +on both sides, the way the feet of them will not show." So I call up +two stewards and the boys from the pantry, and we get the drunk waiters +arranged as neat as herrings in a barrel under the saloon table. Mr. +Murphy and I put on the second cloth, pulling it right down to the +floor, and ye wouldn't believe the way we worked, setting out the +dishes, and the flowers and the swatemates on the table. 'Now,' says I, +'for the love of God let none of them sit down at the table, or they'll +feel the waiters with their feet. Lave it to me to get His Excellency +out of this, and then hurry the drunk waiters away!' And I spoke a word +to the boys in the pantry. 'Boys,' says I, 'as ye value your salvation, +keep up a great clatteration here by dropping the spoons and forks +about, the way they'll not hear it if the drunk waiters get snoring,' +and then the thrain arrives, and we run up to meet His Excellency your +father. +</P> + +<P> +"We went down to the saloon for a moment, and every one says that they +never saw the like of that for a supper, the boys in the pantry keeping +up such a clatteration by tumbling the spoons and forks about, that +ye'd think the bottom of the ship would drop out with the noise of it +all. Then I said, 'Supper will not be ready for ten minutes, your +Excellency'—though God forgive me if every bit of it was not on the +table that minute. 'Would you kindly see if the sleeping accommodation +is commodious enough, for we'll alter it if it isn't?' and so I get +them all out of that, and I kept talking of this, and of that, the Lord +only knows what, till Mr. Murphy comes up and says, 'Supper is ready, +your Excellency,' giving me a look out of the tail of his eye as much +as to say, 'Glory be! We have them drunk waiters safely out of that.'" +</P> + +<P> +Of course I knew nothing of the convivial waiters, but I retain vivid +recollections of the splendours of the supper-table, and of the +"swatemates," for I managed to purloin a whole pocketful of preserved +ginger and other good things from it, without being noticed. +</P> + +<P> +We arrived at Kingstown in the early morning, and anchored in the +harbour, but, by a polite fiction, the Munster was supposed to be +absolutely invisible to ordinary eyes, for the new Lord-Lieutenant's +official time of arrival from England was 11 a.m. Accordingly, every +one being arrayed in their very best for the State entry into Dublin, +the Munster got up steam and crept out of the harbour (still, of +course, completely invisible), to cruise about a little, and to +re-enter the harbour (obviously direct from England) amidst the booming +of twenty-one guns from the guardship, a vast display of bunting, and a +tornado of cheering. +</P> + +<P> +Unfortunately, it had come on to blow; there was a very heavy sea +outside, and the Munster had an unrivalled opportunity for showing off +her agility, and of exhibiting her unusual capacity for pitching and +rolling. My youngest brother and I have never been affected by +sea-sickness; the ladies, however, had a very unpleasing half-hour, +though it must be rather a novel and amusing experience to succumb to +this malady when arrayed in the very latest creations of a Paris +dressmaker and milliner; still I fear that neither my mother nor my +sisters can have been looking quite their best when we landed amidst an +incredible din of guns, whistles and cheering. +</P> + +<P> +My father, as was the custom then, made his entry into Dublin on +horseback. Since he had to keep his right hand free to remove his hat +every minute or so, in acknowledgment of his welcome, and as his horse +got alarmed by the noise, the cheering, and the waving of flags, he +managed to give a very pretty exhibition of horsemanship. +</P> + +<P> +By the way, Irish cheering is a thing sui generis. In place of the +deep-throated, reverberating English cheer, it is a long, shrill, +sustained note, usually very high-pitched. +</P> + +<P> +The State entry into Dublin was naturally the first occasion on which I +had ever driven through streets lined with soldiers and gay with +bunting. If I remember right, I accepted most of it as a tribute to my +own small person. +</P> + +<P> +On arriving at the Viceregal Lodge in the Phoenix Park, my brother and +I were much relieved at finding that we were not expected to live +perpetually surrounded by men in full uniform and by ladies in smart +dresses, as we had gathered that we were fated to do during the +morning's ceremonies at Dublin Castle. +</P> + +<P> +The Viceregal Lodge is a large, unpretentious, but most comfortable +house, standing in really beautiful grounds. The 160 acres of its +enclosure have been laid out with such skill as to appear to the eye +double or treble the extent they actually are. The great attraction to +my brother and me lay in a tract of some ten acres of woodland which +had been allowed to run entirely wild. We soon peopled this very +satisfactorily with two tribes of Red Indians, two bands of peculiarly +bloodthirsty robbers, a sufficiency of bears, lions and tigers, and an +appalling man-eating dragon. I fear that in view of the size of the +little wood, these imported inhabitants must have had rather cramped +quarters. +</P> + +<P> +The enacting of the role of a Red Indian "brave" was necessarily a +little fatiguing, for according to Fenimore Cooper, our guide in these +matters, it was essential to keep up an uninterrupted series of +guttural grunts of "Ug! Ug!" the invariable manner in which his +"braves" prefaced their remarks. +</P> + +<P> +There was perhaps little need for the imaginary menagerie, for the +Dublin Zoological Gardens adjoined the "Lodge" grounds, and were +accessible to us at any time with a private key. The Dublin Zoo had +always been very successful in breeding lions, and derived a large +amount of their income from the sale of the cubs. They consequently +kept a number of lions, and the roaring of these lions at night was +very audible at the Viceregal Lodge, only a quarter of a mile away. +When I told the boys at school, with perfect truth, that in Dublin I +was nightly lulled to sleep by the gentle roaring of lions round my +couch, I was called a young liar. +</P> + +<P> +There is a pretty lake inside the Viceregal grounds. My two elder +brothers were certain that they had seen wild duck on this lake in the +early morning, so getting up in the dusk of a December morning, they +crept down to the lake with their guns. With the first gleam of dawn, +they saw that there were plenty of wild fowl on the water, and they +succeeded in shooting three or four of them. When daylight came, they +retrieved them with a boat, but were dismayed at finding that these +birds were neither mallards, nor porchards, nor any known form of +British duck; their colouring, too, seemed strangely brilliant. Then +they remembered the neighbouring Zoo, with its ornamental ponds covered +with rare imported and exotic waterfowl, and they realised what they +had done. It is quite possible that they had killed some unique +specimens, imported at fabulous cost from Central Africa, or from the +heart of the Australian continent, some priceless bird that was the +apple of the eye of the Curator of the Gardens, so we buried the +episode and the birds, in profound secrecy. +</P> + +<P> +For my younger brother and myself, this lake had a different +attraction, for, improbable as it may seem, it was the haunt of a gang +of most abandoned pirates. Behind a wooded island, but quite invisible +to the adult eye, the pirate craft lay, conforming in the most orthodox +fashion to the descriptions in Ballantyne's books: "a schooner with a +long, low black hull, and a suspicious rake to her masts. The copper on +her bottom had been burnished till it looked like gold, and the black +flag, with the skull and cross-bones, drooped lazily from her peak." +</P> + +<P> +The presence of this band of desperadoes entailed the utmost caution +and watchfulness in the neighbourhood of the lake. Unfortunately, we +nearly succeeded in drowning some young friends of ours, whom we +persuaded to accompany us in an attack on the pirates' stronghold. We +embarked on a raft used for cutting weeds, but no sooner had we shoved +off than the raft at once, most inconsiderately, sank to the bottom of +the lake with us. Being Christmas time, the water was not over-warm, +and we had some difficulty in extricating our young friends. Their +parents made the most absurd fuss about their sons having been forced +to take a cold bath in mid-December in their best clothes. Clearly we +could not be held responsible for the raft failing to prove sea-worthy, +though my youngest brother, even then a nice stickler for correct +English, declared, that, given the circumstances, the proper epithet +was "lake-worthy." +</P> + +<P> +What a wonderful dream-world the child can create for himself, and +having fashioned it and peopled it, he can inhabit his creation in +perfect content quite regardless of his material surroundings, unless +some grown-up, with his matter-of-fact bluntness, happens to break the +spell. +</P> + +<P> +I have endeavoured to express this peculiar faculty of the child's in +rather halting blank verse. I apologise for giving it here, as I make +no claim to be able to write verse. My only excuse must be that my +lines attempt to convey what every man and woman must have felt, though +probably the average person would express himself in far better +language than I am able to command. +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Eheu fugaces Postume! Postume!<BR> + Labuntur anni.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "The memories of childhood are a web<BR> + Of gossamer, most infinitely frail<BR> + And tender, shot with gleaming threads of gold<BR> + And silver, through the iridescent weft<BR> + Of subtlest tints of azure and of rose;<BR> + Woven of fragile nothings, yet most dear,<BR> + As binding us to that dim, far-off time,<BR> + When first our lungs inhaled the fragrance sweet<BR> + Of a new world, where all was bright and fair.<BR> + As we approach the end of mortal things,<BR> + The band of comrades ever smaller grows;<BR> + For those who have not shared our trivial round,<BR> + Nor helped with us to forge its many links,<BR> + Can only listen with dull, wearied mind.<BR> + Some few there are on whom the gods bestowed<BR> + The priceless gift of sympathy, and they,<BR> + Though knowing not themselves, yet understand.<BR> + So guard the fragile fabric rolled away<BR> + In the sweet-scented chests of memory,<BR> + Careful lest one uncomprehending soul<BR> + Should, thoughtless, rend the filmy texture frail<BR> + Into a thousand fragments, and destroy<BR> + The precious relic of the golden dawn<BR> + Of life, when all the unknown future lay<BR> + Bathed in unending sunlight, and the heights<BR> + Of manhood, veiled in distant purple haze,<BR> + Offered ten thousand chances of success.<BR> + But why the future, when the present seemed<BR> + A flower-decked meadow in eternal spring?<BR> + When every woodland glade its secrets told<BR> + To us, and us alone. The grown-up eye<BR> + Saw sun-flecked oaks, and tinkling, fern-fringed stream,<BR> + Nor knew that 'neath their shade most doughty Knights<BR> + Daily rode forth to deeds of chivalry;<BR> + And ruthless ruffians waged relentless war<BR> + On those who strayed (without the Talisman<BR> + Which turned their fury into impotence)<BR> + Into those leafy depths nor dreamed there lurked<BR> + Concealed amidst the bosky dells unseen,<BR> + Grim dragons spouting instant death; nor feared<BR> + The placid lake, along whose reed-fringed shore<BR> + Bold Buccaneers swooped down upon their prey.<BR> + Which things were hidden from maturer eyes.<BR> + To those who breathed the freshness of the morn,<BR> + Endless romance; to others, common things.<BR> + For to the Child is given to spin a web<BR> + Of golden glamour o'er the everyday.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + Happy is he who can, in spite of years,<BR> + Retain at times the spirit of the Child."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +My own personal ambition at that period was a modest one. My mother +always drove out in Dublin in a carriage-and-four, with postilions and +two out-riders. We had always used black carriage-horses, and East, the +well-known job-master, had provided us for Dublin with twenty-two +splendid blacks, all perfect matches. Our family colour being crimson, +the crimson barouche, with the six blacks and our own black and crimson +liveries, made a very smart turn-out indeed. O'Connor, the +wheeler-postilion, a tiny little wizened elderly man, took charge of +the carriage, and directed the outriders at turnings by a code of sharp +whistles. It was my consuming ambition to ride leader-postilion to my +mother's carriage, and above all to wear the big silver coat-of-arms +our postilions had strapped to the left sleeves of their short jackets +on a broad crimson band. I went to O'Connor in the stable-yard, and +consulted him as to my chance of obtaining the coveted berth. O'Connor +was distinctly encouraging. He thought nine rather young for a +postilion, but when I had grown a little, and had gained more +experience, he saw no insuperable objections to my obtaining the post. +The leader-postilion was O'Connor's nephew, a smart-looking, +light-built boy of seventeen, named Byrne. Byrne was less hopeful about +my chance. He assured me that such a rare combination of physical and +intellectual qualities were required for a successful leader-rider, +that it was but seldom that they were found, as in his case, united in +the same person. That my mother had met with no accident whilst driving +was solely due to his own consummate skill, and his wonderful presence +of mind. Little Byrne, however, was quite affable, and allowed me to +try on his livery, including the coveted big silver arm-badge and his +top-boots. In my borrowed plumes I gave the stablemen to understand +that I was as good as engaged already as postilion. Byrne informed me +of some of the disadvantages of the position. "The heart in ye would be +broke at all the claning them leathers requires." I was also told that +after an extra long drive, "ye'd come home that tired that ye'd be +thinking ye were losing your life, and not knowing if ye had a leg left +to ye at all." +</P> + +<P> +I often drove with my mother, and when we had covered more ground than +usual, upon arriving home, I always ran round to the leaders to inquire +anxiously if my friend little Byrne "had a leg left to him, or if he +had lost his life," and was much relieved at finding him sitting on his +horse in perfect health, with his normal complement of limbs encased in +white leathers. I believe that I expected his legs to drop off on the +road from sheer fatigue. +</P> + +<P> +I knew, of course, that the Lord-Lieutenant had to confirm all +death-sentences in Ireland. From much reading of Harrison Ainsworth, I +insisted on calling the documents connected with this, +"death-warrants." I begged and implored my father to let me see a +"death-warrant." He told me that there was nothing to see, but I went +on insisting, until one day he told me that I might see one of these +gruesome documents. To avoid any misplaced sympathy with the condemned +man, I may say that it was a peculiarly brutal murder. A man at Cork +had kicked his wife to death, and had then battered her into a +shapeless mass with the poker. I went into my father's study on the +tip-toe of expectation. I pictured the Private Secretary coming in +slowly, probably draped for the occasion in a long black cloak, and +holding a white handkerchief to his eyes. In his hand he would bear an +immense sheet of paper surrounded by a three-inch black border. It +would be headed DEATH in large letters, with perhaps a +skull-and-crossbones below it, and from it would depend three ominous +black seals attached by black ribbons. The Secretary would naturally +hesitate before presenting so awful a document to my father, who, in +his turn, would exhibit a little natural emotion when receiving it. At +that moment my mother, specially dressed in black for the occasion, +would burst into the room, and falling on her knees, with streaming +eyes and outstretched arms, she would plead passionately for the +condemned man's life. My father, at first obdurate, would gradually be +melted by my mother's entreaties. Turning aside to brush away a furtive +and not unmanly tear, he would suddenly tear the death-warrant to +shreds, and taking up another huge placard headed REPRIEVE, he would +quickly fill it in and sign it. He would then hand it to the Private +Secretary, who would instantly start post-haste for Cork. As the +condemned man was being actually conducted to the scaffold, the Private +Secretary would appear, brandishing the liberating document. All then +would be joy, except for the executioner, who would grind his teeth at +being baulked of his prey at the last minute. +</P> + +<P> +That is, at all events, the way it would have happened in a book. As it +was, the Private Secretary came in just as usual, carrying an ordinary +official paper, precisely similar to dozens of other official papers +lying about the room. +</P> + +<P> +"It is the Cork murder case, sir," he said in his everyday voice. "The +sentence has to be confirmed by you." +</P> + +<P> +"A bad business, Dillon," said my father. "I have seen the Chief +Justice about it twice, and I have consulted the Judge who tried the +case, and the Solicitor and the Attorney-General. I am afraid that +there are no mitigating circumstances whatever. I shall certainly +confirm it," and he wrote across the official paper, "Let the law take +its course," and appended his signature, and that was all! +</P> + +<P> +Could anything be more prosaic? What a waste of an unrivalled dramatic +situation. +</P> + +<P> +When I returned home for the Christmas holidays in 1866, the Fenian +rebellion had already broken out. The authorities had reason to believe +that the Vice-regal Lodge would be attacked, and various precautions +had been taken. Both guards and sentries were doubled; four light +field-guns stood in the garden, and a row of gas-lamps had been +installed there. Stands of arms made their appearance in the passages +upstairs, which were patrolled all night by constables in rubber-soled +boots, but the culminating joy to my brother and me lay in the four +loopholes with which the walls of the bed-room we jointly occupied were +pierced. The room projected beyond the front of the main building, and +was accordingly a strategic point, but to have four real loopholes, +closed with wooden shutters, in the walls of our own bedroom was to the +two small urchins a source of immense pride. The boys at school were +hideously jealous of our loopholes when they heard of them, though they +affected to despise any one who, enjoying such undreamed-of +opportunities, had, on his own confession, failed to take advantage of +them, and had never even fired through the loopholes, nor attempted to +kill any one through them. +</P> + +<P> +The Fenians were supposed to have the secret of a mysterious +combustible known as "Greek Fire" which was unquenchable by water. I +think that "Greek Fire" was nothing more or less than ordinary +petroleum, which was practically unknown in Europe in 1866, though from +personal experience I can say that it was well known in 1868, in which +year my mother, three sisters, two brothers and myself narrowly escaped +being burnt to death, when the Irish mail, in which we were travelling, +collided with a goods train loaded with petroleum at Abergele, North +Wales, an accident which resulted in thirty-four deaths. +</P> + +<P> +Terrible as were the results of the Abergele accident, they might have +been more disastrous still, for both lines were torn up, and the up +Irish mail from Holyhead, which would be travelling at a great pace +down the steep bank from Llandulas, was due at any moment. The front +guard of our train had been killed by the collision, and the rear guard +was seriously hurt, so there was no one to give orders. It occurred at +once to my eldest brother, the late Duke, that as the train was +standing on a sharp incline, the uninjured carriages would, if +uncoupled, roll down the hill of their own accord. He and some other +passengers accordingly managed to undo the couplings, and the uninjured +coaches, detached from the burning ones, glided down the incline into +safety. From the half-stunned guard my brother learned that the nearest +signal-box was at Llandulas, a mile away. He ran there at the top of +his speed, and arrived in time to get the up Irish mail and all other +traffic stopped. On his return my brother had a prolonged fainting fit, +as the strain on his heart had been very great. It took the doctors +over an hour to bring him round, and we all thought that he had died. +</P> + +<P> +I was eleven years old at the time, and the shock of the collision, the +sight of the burning coaches, the screams of the women, the wreckage, +and my brother's narrow escape from death, affected me for some little +while afterwards. +</P> + +<P> +It was the custom then for the Lord-Lieutenant to live for three months +of the winter at the Castle, where a ceaseless round of entertainments +went on. The Castle was in the heart of Dublin, and only boasted a dull +little smoke-blackened garden in the place of the charming grounds of +the Lodge, still there was plenty going on there. A band played daily +in the Castle Yard for an hour, there was the daily guard-mounting, and +the air was thick with bugle calls and rattling kettle-drums. +</P> + +<P> +At "Drawing Rooms" it was still the habit for all ladies to be kissed +by the Lord-Lieutenant on being presented to him, and every lady had to +be re-presented to every fresh Viceroy. This imposed an absolute orgy +of compulsory osculation on the unfortunate Lord-Lieutenant, for if +many of the ladies were fresh, young and pretty, the larger proportion +of them were very distinctly the reverse. +</P> + +<P> +There is a very fine white-and-gold throne-room in Dublin, decorated in +the heavy but effective style of George IV., and it certainly compares +very favourably with the one at Buckingham Palace. St. Patrick's Hall, +too, with its elaborate painted ceiling, is an exceedingly handsome +room, as is the Long Gallery. At my father's first Drawing-Room, when I +officiated as page, the perpetual kissing tickled my fancy so, that, +forgetting that to live up to my new white-satin breeches and lace +ruffles I ought to wear an impassive countenance, I absolutely shook, +spluttered and wriggled with laughter. The ceremony appeared to me +interminable, for ten-year-old legs soon get tired, and ten-year-old +eyelids grow very heavy as midnight approaches. When at length it +ended, and my fellow-page was curled up fast asleep on the steps of the +throne in his official finery, in glancing at my father I was amazed to +find him prematurely aged. The powder from eight hundred cheeks and +necks had turned his moustache and beard white; he had to retire to his +room and spend a quarter of an hour washing and brushing the powder +out, before he could take part in the procession through all the +staterooms which in those days preceded supper. My father was still a +remarkably handsome man even at fifty-six years of age, with his great +height and his full curly beard, and I thought my mother, with all her +jewels on, most beautiful, as I am quite sure she was, though only a +year younger than my father. +</P> + +<P> +The great white-and-gold throne-room brilliant with light, the glitter +of the uniforms, and the sparkle of the jewels were attractive from +their very novelty to a ten-year-old schoolboy, perhaps a little +overwhelmed by his own gorgeous and unfamiliar trappings. We two pages +had been ordered to stand quite motionless, one on either side of the +throne, but as the evening wore on and we began to feel sleepy, it was +difficult to carry our instructions into effect, for there were no +facilities for playing even a game of "oughts and crosses" in order to +keep awake. The position had its drawbacks, as we were so very +conspicuous in our new uniforms. A detail which sticks in my memory is +that the guests at that Drawing-Room drank over three hundred bottles +of my father's sherry, in addition to other wines. +</P> + +<P> +My brother and I were not allowed in the throne-room on ordinary days, +but it offered such wonderful opportunities for processions and +investitures, with the sword of state and the mace lying ready to one's +hand in their red velvet cradles, that we soon discovered a back way +into it. Should any of the staff of Lord French, the present Viceroy, +care to examine the sword of state and the mace, they will find them +both heavily dented. This is due to two small boys having frequently +dropped them when they proved too heavy for their strength, during +strictly private processions fifty-five years ago. I often wonder what +a deputation from the Corporation of Belfast must have thought when +they were ushered into the throne-room, and found it already in the +occupation of two small brats, one of whom, with a star cut out of +silver paper pinned to his packet to counterfeit an order, was lolling +back on the throne in a lordly manner, while the other was feigning to +read a long statement from a piece of paper. The small boys, after the +manner of their kind, quickly vanished through a bolt-hole. +</P> + +<P> +The Chapel Royal in Dublin Castle was built by my grandfather, the Duke +of Bedford, who was Viceroy in 1806, and it bears the stamp of the +unfortunate period of its birth on every detail of its +"carpenter-Gothic" interior. It is, however, very ornate, with a +profusion of gilding, stained glass and elaborate oak carving. My +father and mother sat by themselves on two red velvet arm-chairs in a +sort of pew-throne that projected into the Chapel. The Aide-de-Camp in +waiting, an extremely youthful warrior as a rule, had to stand until +the door of the pew was shut, when a folding wooden flap was lowered +across the aperture, on which he seated himself, with his back resting +against the pew door. At the conclusion of the service the Verger +always opened the pew door with a sudden "click." Should the +Aide-de-Camp be unprepared for this and happen to be leaning against +the door, with any reasonable luck he was almost certain to tumble +backwards into the aisle, "taking a regular toss," as hunting-men would +say, and to our unspeakable delight we would see a pair of slim legs in +overalls and a pair of spurred heels describing a graceful parabola as +they followed their youthful owner into the aisle. This particular form +of religious relaxation appealed to me enormously, and I looked forward +to it every Sunday. +</P> + +<P> +It was an episode that could only occur once with each person, for +forewarned was forearmed; still, as we had twelve Aides-de-Camp, and +they were constantly changing, the pew door played its practical joke +quite often enough to render the Services in the Chapel Royal very +attractive and engrossing, and I noticed that no Aide-de-Camp was ever +warned of his possible peril. I think, too, that the Verger enjoyed his +little joke. +</P> + +<P> +In that same Chapel Royal I listened to the most eloquent and beautiful +sermon I have ever heard in my life, preached by Dean Magee (afterwards +Archbishop of York) on Christmas Day, 1866. His text was: "There were +shepherds abiding in the fields." That marvellous orator must have had +some peculiar gift of sympathy to captivate the attention of a child of +ten so completely that he remembers portions of that sermon to this +very day, fifty-four years afterwards. +</P> + +<P> +To my great delight I discovered a little door near our joint bedroom +which led directly into the gallery of St. Patrick's Hall. Here the big +dinners of from seventy to ninety people were held, and it was my +delight to creep into the gallery in my dressing-gown and slippers and +watch the brilliant scene below. The stately white-and-gold hall with +its fine painted ceiling, the long tables blazing with plate and +lights, the display of flowers, the jewels of the ladies and the +uniforms of the men, made a picture very attractive to a child. After +the ladies had left, the uproar became deafening. In 1866 the old +drinking habits had not yet died out, and though my father very seldom +touched wine himself, he of course saw that his guests had sufficient; +indeed, sufficient seems rather an elastic term, judging by what I saw +and what I was told. It must have been rather like one of the scenes +described by Charles Lever in his books. In 1866 political, religious, +and racial animosities had not yet assumed the intensely bitter +character they have since reached in Ireland, and the traditional Irish +wit, at present apparently dormant, still flashed, sparkled and +scintillated. From my hiding-place in the gallery I could only hear the +roars of laughter the good stories provoked, I could not hear the +stories themselves, possibly to my own advantage. +</P> + +<P> +Judge Keogh had a great reputation as a wit. The then Chief Justice was +a remarkable-looking man on account of his great snow-white whiskers +and his jet-black head of hair. My mother, commenting on this, said to +Judge Keogh, "Surely Chief Justice Monaghan must dye his hair." "To my +certain knowledge he does not," answered Keogh. "How, then, do you +account for the difference in colour between his whiskers and his +hair?" asked my mother. "To the fact that, throughout his life, he has +used his jaw a great deal more than he ever has his brain," retorted +Keogh. +</P> + +<P> +Father Healy, most genial and delightful of men, belongs, of course, to +a much later period. I was at the Castle in Lord Zetland's time, when +Father Healy had just returned from a fortnight's visit to Monte Carlo, +where he had been the guest (of all people in the world!) of Lord +Randolph Churchill. "May I ask how you explained your absence to your +flock, Father Healy?" asked Lady Zetland. "I merely told them that I +had been for a fortnight's retreat to Carlow; I thought it superfluous +prefixing the Monte," answered the priest. Again at a wedding, the late +Lord Morris, the possessor of the hugest brogue ever heard, observed as +the young couple drove off, "I wish that I had an old shoe to throw +after them for luck." "Throw your brogue after them, my dear fellow; it +will do just as well," flashed out Father Healy. It was Father Healy, +too, who, in posting a newly arrived lady as to Dublin notabilities, +said, "You will find that there are only two people who count in +Dublin, the Lady-Lieutenant and Lady Iveagh, her Ex. and her double X," +for the marks on the barrels of the delicious beverage brewed by the +Guinness family must be familiar to most people. +</P> + +<P> +I myself heard Father Healy, in criticising a political appointment +which lay between a Welsh and a Scotch M.P., say, "Well, if we get the +Welshman he'll pray on his knees all Sunday, and then prey on his +neighbours the other six days of the week; whilst if we get the +Scotchman hell keep the Sabbath and any other little trifles he can lay +his hand on." Healy, who was parish priest of Little Bray, used to +entertain sick priests from the interior of Ireland who were ordered +sea-bathing. One day he saw one of his guests, a young priest, rush +into the sea, glass in hand, and begin drinking the sea water. "You +mustn't do that, my dear fellow," cried Father Healy, aghast. "I didn't +know that there was any harm in it, Father Healy," said the young +priest. "Whist! we'll not say one word about it, and maybe then they'll +never miss the little drop you have taken." +</P> + +<P> +Some of these stories may be old, in which case I can only apologise +for giving them here. +</P> + +<P> +Dublin people have always had the gift of coining extremely felicitous +nicknames. I refrain from quoting those bestowed on two recent +Viceroys, for they are mordant and uncomplimentary, though possibly not +wholly undeserved. My father was at once christened "Old Splendid," an +appellation less scarifying than some of those conferred on his +successors. My father had some old friends living in the west of +Ireland, a Colonel Tenison, and his wife, Lady Louisa Tenison. Colonel +Tenison had one of the most gigantic noses I have ever seen, a vast, +hooked eagle's beak. He was so blind that he had to feel his way about. +Lady Louisa Tenison allowed herself an unusual freedom of speech, and +her comments on persons and things were unconventionally outspoken. +They came to stay with us at the Castle in 1867, and before they had +been there twenty-four hours they were christened "Blind Hookey" and +"Unlimited Loo." +</P> + +<P> +In February 1867 my sister, brother and I contracted measles, and were +sent out to the "Lodge" to avoid spreading infection. +</P> + +<P> +We were already convalescent, when one evening a mysterious stranger +arrived from the Castle, and had an interview with the governess. As a +result of that interview, the kindly old lady began clucking like a +scared hen, fussed quite prodigiously, and told us to collect our +things at once, as we were to start for the Castle in a quarter of an +hour. After a frantically hurried packing, we were bustled into the +carriage, the mysterious stranger taking his seat on the box. To our +surprise we saw some thirty mounted Hussars at the door. As we moved +off, to our unspeakable delight, the Hussars drew their swords and +closed in on the carriage, one riding at either window. And so we drove +through Dublin. We had never had an escort before, and felt immensely +elated and dignified. At the Castle there seemed to be some confusion. +I heard doors banging and people moving about all through the night. +</P> + +<P> +Long afterwards I learnt that the great Fenian rising was fixed for +that night. The authorities had heard that part of the Fenian plan was +to capture the Viceregal Lodge, and to hold the Lord-Lieutenant's +children as hostages, which explains the arrival at the Lodge of Chief +Inspector Dunn, the frantic haste, and the escort of Hussars with drawn +swords. +</P> + +<P> +That night an engagement, or it might more justly be termed a skirmish, +did take place between the Fenians and the troops at Tallagh, some +twenty miles from Dublin. My brothers and most of my father's staff had +been present, which explained the mysterious noises during the night. +As a result of this fight, some three hundred prisoners were taken, and +Lord Strathnairn, then Commander-in-Chief in Ireland, was very hard put +to it to find sufficient men (who, of course, would have to be detached +from his force) to escort the prisoners into Dublin. Lord Strathnairn +suddenly got an inspiration. He had every single button, brace buttons +and all, cut off the prisoners' trousers. Then the men had perforce, +for decency's sake, to hold their trousers together with their hands, +and I defy any one similarly situated to run more than a yard or two. +The prisoners were all paraded in the Castle yard next day, and I +walked out amongst them. As they had been up all night in very heavy +rain, they all looked very forlorn and miserable. The Castle gates were +shut that day, for the first time in the memory of the oldest +inhabitant, and they remained shut for four days. I cannot remember the +date when the prisoners were paraded, but I am absolutely certain as to +one point: it was Shrove Tuesday, 1867, the day on which so many +marriages are celebrated amongst country-folk in Ireland. Dublin was +seething with unrest, so on that very afternoon my father and mother +drove very slowly, quite alone, without an Aide-de-Camp or escort, in a +carriage-and-four with outriders, through all the poorest quarters in +Dublin. They were well received, and there was no hostile demonstration +whatever. The idea of the slow drive through the slums was my mother's. +She wished to show that though the Castle gates were closed, she and my +father were not afraid. I saw her on her return, when she was looking +very pale and drawn, but I was too young to realise what the strain +must have been. My mother's courage was loudly praised, but I think +that my friends O'Connor and little Byrne, the postilions, also deserve +quite a good mark, for they ran the same amount of risk, and they were +no entirely free agents in the matter, as my father and mother were. +</P> + +<P> +Dr. Hatchell, who attended us all, had been physician to countless +Viceroys and their families, and was a very well-known figure in +Dublin. He was a jolly little red-faced man with a terrific brogue. +There was a great epidemic of lawlessness in Dublin at that time. Many +people were waylaid and stripped of their valuables in dark suburban +streets. Dr. Hatchell was returning from a round of professional visits +in the suburbs one evening, when his carriage was stopped by two men, +who seized the horses' heads. One of the men came round to the carriage +door. +</P> + +<P> +"We know you, Dr. Hatchell, so you had better hand over your watch and +money quietly." "You know me," answered the merry little doctor, with +his tremendous brogue, "so no doubt you would like me to prescribe for +you. I'll do it with all the pleasure in life. Saltpetre is a grand +drug, and I often order it for my patients. Sulphur is the finest thing +in the world for the blood, and charcoal is an elegant disinfectant. By +a great piece of luck, I have all these drugs with me in the carriage, +but"—and he suddenly covered the man with his revolver—"they are all +mixed up together, and there is the least taste in life of lead in +front of them, and by God! you'll get it through you if you don't clear +out of that." The men decamped immediately. I have heard Dr. Hatchell +tell that story at least twenty times. Dr. Hatchell, who was invited to +every single entertainment, both at the Lodge and at the Castle, was a +widower. A peculiarly stupid young Aide-de-Camp once asked him why he +had not brought Mrs. Hatchell with him. "Sorr," answered the doctor in +his most impressive tones, "Mrs. Hatchell is an angel in heaven." A +fortnight later the same foolish youth asked again why Dr. Hatchell had +come alone. "Mrs. Hatchell, sorr, is still an angel in heaven," +answered the indignant doctor. +</P> + +<P> +It was said that no mortal eye had ever seen Dr. Hatchell in the +daytime out of his professional frock-coat and high hat. I know that +when he stayed with us in Scotland some years later, he went out +salmon-fishing in a frock-coat and high hat (with a stethescope clipped +into the crown of it), an unusual garb for an angler. +</P> + +<P> +In the spring of 1868, King Edward and Queen Alexandra (then, of +course, Prince and Princess of Wales) paid us a long visit at the +Castle. My father had heard a rumour that recently the Prince of Wales +had introduced the custom of smoking in the dining-room after dinner. +He was in a difficult position; nothing would induce him to tolerate +such a practice, but how was he to avoid discourtesy to his Royal +guest? My mother rose to the occasion. A little waiting-room near the +dining-room was furnished and fitted up in the most attractive manner, +and before the Prince had been an hour in the Castle, my mother showed +him the charming little room, and told H. R. H. that it had been +specially fitted up for him to enjoy his after-dinner cigar in. That +saved the situation. Young men of to-day will be surprised to learn +that in my time no one dreamed of smoking before they went to a ball, +as to smell of smoke was considered an affront to one's partners. I +myself, though a heavy smoker from an early age, never touched tobacco +in any form before going to a dance, out of respect for my partners. +Incredible as it may sound, in those days all gentlemen had a very high +respect for ladies and young ladies, and observed a certain amount of +deference in their intercourse with them. Never, to the best of my +recollection, did either we or our partners address each other as "old +thing," or "old bean." This, of course, now is hopelessly Victorian, +and as defunct as the dodo. Present-day hostesses tell me that all +young men, and most girls, are kind enough to flick cigarette-ash all +over their drawing-rooms, and considerately throw lighted +cigarette-ends on to fine old Persian carpets, and burn holes in pieces +of valuable old French furniture. Of course it would be too much +trouble to fetch an ash-tray, or to rise to throw lighted +cigarette-ends into the grate. The young generation have never been +brought up to take trouble, nor to consider other people; we might +perhaps put it that they never think of any one in the world but their +own sweet selves. I am inclined to think that there are distinct +advantages in being a confirmed, unrepentant Victorian. +</P> + +<P> +During the stay of the Prince and Princess there was one unending round +of festivities. The Princess was then at the height of her great +beauty, and seeing H. R. H. every day, my youthful adoration of her +increased tenfold. The culminating incident of the visit was to be the +installation of the Prince of Wales as a Knight of St. Patrick in St. +Patrick's Cathedral, with immense pomp and ceremonial. The Cathedral +had undergone a complete transformation for the ceremony, and all its +ordinary fittings had disappeared. The number of pages had now +increased to five, and we were constantly being drilled in the +Cathedral. We had all five of us to walk backwards down some steps, +keeping in line and keeping step. For five small boys to do this +neatly, without awkwardness, requires a great deal of practice. The +procession to the Cathedral was made in full state, the streets being +lined with troops, and the carriages, with their escorts of cavalry, +going at a foot's pace through the principal thoroughfares of Dublin. I +remember it chiefly on account of the bitter northeast wind blowing. +The five pages drove together in an open carriage, and received quite +an ovation from the crowd, but no one had thought of providing them +with overcoats. Silk stockings, satin knee-breeches and lace ruffles +are very inadequate protection against an Arctic blast, and we arrived +at the Cathedral stiff and torpid with cold. From the colour of our +faces, we might have been five little "Blue Noses" from Nova Scotia. +The ceremony was very gorgeous and imposing, and I trust that the pages +were not unduly clumsy. Every one was amazed at the beauty of the +music, sung from the triforium by the combined choirs of St. Patrick's +and Christ Church Cathedrals, and of the Chapel Royal, with that +wonderful musician, Sir Robert Stewart, at the organ. I remember well +Sir Robert Stewart's novel setting of "God save the Queen." The men +sang it first in unison to the music of the massed military bands +outside the Cathedral, the boys singing a "Faux Bourdon" above it. Then +the organ took it up, the full choir joining in with quite original +harmonies. +</P> + +<P> +In honour of the Prince's visit, nearly all the Fenian prisoners who +were still detained in jail were released. +</P> + +<P> +Many years after, in 1885, King Edward and Queen Alexandra paid us a +visit at Barons' Court. During that visit a little episode occurred +which is worth recording. On the Sunday, the Princess of Wales, as she +still was, inspected the Sunday School children before Morning Service. +At luncheon the Rector of the parish told us that one of the Sunday +scholars, a little girl, had been taken ill with congestion of the +lungs a few days earlier. The child's disappointment at having missed +seeing the Princess was terrible. Desperately ill as she was, she kept +on harping on her lost opportunity. After luncheon the Princess drew my +sister-in-law, the present Dowager Duchess of Abercorn, on one side, +and inquired where the sick child lived. Upon being told that it was +about four miles off, the Princess asked whether it would not be +possible to get a pony-cart from the stables and drive there, as she +would like to see the little girl. I myself brought a pony-cart around +to the door, and the Princess and my sister-in-law having got in, we +three started off alone, the Princess driving. When we reached the +cottage where the child lived, H. R. H. went straight up to the little +girl's room, and stayed talking to her for an hour, to the child's +immense joy. Two days later the little girl died, but she had been made +very happy meanwhile. +</P> + +<P> +A little thing perhaps; but there are not many people in Queen +Alexandra's position who would have taken an eight-mile drive in an +open cart on a stormy and rainy April afternoon in order to avoid +disappointing a dying child, of whose very existence she had been +unaware that morning. +</P> + +<P> +It is the kind heart which inspires acts like these which has drawn the +British people so irresistibly to Queen Alexandra. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap04"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER IV +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Chittenden's—A wonderful teacher—My personal experiences as a +schoolmaster—My "boys in blue"—My unfortunate garments—A "brave +Belge"—The model boy, and his name—A Spartan regime—"The Three +Sundays"—Novel religious observances—Harrow—"John Smith of +Harrow"—"Tommy" Steele—"Tosher"—An ingenious punishment—John +Farmer—His methods—The birth of a famous song—Harrow school +songs—"Ducker"—The "Curse of Versatility"—Advancing old age—The +race between three brothers—A family failing—My father's race at +sixty-four—My own—A most acrimonious dispute at Rome—Harrow after +fifty years. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +I was sent to school as soon as I was nine, to Mr. Chittenden's, at +Hoddesdon, in Hertfordshire. This remarkable man had a very rare gift: +he was a born teacher, or, perhaps, more accurately, a born +mind-trainer. Of the very small stock of knowledge which I have been +able to accumulate during my life, I certainly owe at least one-half to +Mr. Chittenden. There is a certain profusely advertised system for +acquiring concentration, and for cultivating an artificial memory, the +name of which will be familiar to every one. Instead of the title it +actually bears, that system should be known as "Chittendism," for it is +precisely the method adopted by him with his pupils fifty-four years +ago. Mr. Chittenden, probably recognising that peculiar quality of +mental laziness which is such a marked characteristic of the average +English man or woman, set himself to combat and conquer it the moment +he got a pupil into his hands. Think of the extraordinary number of +persons you know who never do more than half-listen, half-understand, +half-attend, and who only read with their eyes, not with their brains. +The other half of their brain is off wool-gathering somewhere, so +naturally they forget everything they read, and the little they do +remember with half their brain is usually incorrect. It seems to me +that this sort of mental limitation is far more marked in the young +generation, probably because foolish parents seem to think it rather an +amusing trait in their offspring. Now, the boy at Chittenden's who +allowed his mind to wander, and did not concentrate, promptly made the +acquaintance of the "spatter," a broad leathern strap; and the spatter +hurt exceedingly, as I can testify from many personal experiences of +it. On the whole, then, even the most careless boy found it to his +advantage to concentrate. This clever teacher knew how quickly young +brains tire, so he never devoted more than a quarter of an hour to each +subject, but during that quarter of an hour he demanded, and got, the +full attention of his pupils. The result was that everything absorbed +remained permanently. If I enlarge at some length on Mr. Chittenden's +methods, it is because the subject of education is of such vital +importance, and the mere fact that the much-advertised system to which +I have alluded has attained such success, would seem to indicate that +many people are aware that they share that curious disability in the +intellectual equipment of the average Englishman to which I have +referred; for unless they had habitually only half-listened, half-read, +half-understood, there could be no need for their undergoing a course +of instruction late in life. Surely it is more sensible to check this +peculiarly English tendency to mental laziness quite early in life, as +Mr. Chittenden did with his boys. To my mind another striking +characteristic of the average English man and woman is their want of +observation. They don't notice: it is far too much trouble; besides, +they are probably thinking of something else. All Chittenden's boys +were taught to observe; otherwise they got into trouble. He insisted, +too, on his pupils expressing themselves in correct English, with the +result that Chittenden's boys were more intellectually advanced at +twelve than the average Public School boy is at sixteen or seventeen. +It is unusual to place such books as Paley's Christian Evidences, or +Archbishop Whately's Historic Doubts as to Napoleon Bonaparte, in the +hands of little boys of twelve, with any expectation of a satisfactory +result; yet we read them on Sundays, understood the point of them, and +could explain the why and wherefore of them. Chittenden's one fault was +his tendency to "force" a receptive boy, and to develop his intellect +too quickly. As in the Pelm—(I had very nearly written it) system, he +made great use of memoria technica, and always taught us to link one +idea with another. At the age of ten I got puzzled over Marlborough's +campaigns. "'Brom,' my boy, remember 'Brom,'" said Mr. Chittenden. +"That will give you Marlborough's victories in their proper +sequence—Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde, Malplaquet, 'Brom'"; and +"Brom" I have remembered from that day to this. +</P> + +<P> +Though it is now many years since Mr. Chittenden passed away, I must +pay this belated tribute to the memory of a very skilful teacher, and +an exceedingly kind friend, to whom I owe an immense debt of gratitude. +</P> + +<P> +My own experiences as a pedagogue are limited. During the War, I was +asked to give some lessons in elementary history and rudimentary French +to convalescent soldiers in a big hospital. No one ever had a more +cheery and good-tempered lot of pupils than I had in my blue-clad, +red-tied disciples. For remembering the order of the Kings of England, +we used Mr. Chittenden's jingle, beginning: +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Billy, Billy, Harry, Ste,<BR> + Harry, Dick, Jack, Harry Three."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +By repeating it all together, over and over again, the very jangle of +it made it stick in my pupils' memory. Dates proved a great difficulty, +yet a few dates, such as that of the Norman Conquest and of the Battle +of Waterloo, were essential. "Clarke, can you remember the date of the +Norman Conquest?" "Very sorry, sir; clean gone out of my 'ead." "Now, +Daniels, how about the date of Waterloo?" "You've got me this time, +sir." Then I had an inspiration. Feigning to take up a +telephone-receiver, and to speak down it, I begged for "Willconk, One, +O, double-six, please." Twenty blithesome wounded Tommies at once went +through an elaborate pantomime of unhooking receivers, and asked +anxiously for "Willconk—One, O, double-six, miss, please. No, miss, I +didn't say, 'City, six, eight, five, four'; I said 'Willconk, One, O, +double-six.' Thank you, miss; now I can let mother know I'm coming to +tea." This, accompanied by much playful badinage with the imaginary +operator, proved immensely popular, but "Willconk, One, O, double-six" +stuck in the brains of my blue-clothed flock. In the same way the +Battle of Waterloo became "Batterloo—One, eight, one, five, please, +miss," so both those dates remained in their heads. +</P> + +<P> +We experienced some little trouble in mastering the French numerals, +until I tried a new scheme, and called out, "From the right, number, in +French!" Then my merry convalescents began shouting gleefully, "Oon," +"Doo," "Troy," "Catta," "Sink," etc.; but the French numerals stuck in +their heads. Never did any one, I imagine, have such a set of jolly, +cheery boys in blue as pupils, and the strong remnant of the child left +in many of them made them the more attractive. +</P> + +<P> +When I first went to school, the selection and purchase of my outfit +was, for some inscrutable reason, left to my sisters' governess, an +elderly lady to whom I was quite devoted. This excellent person, +though, knew very little about boys, and nothing whatever as to their +requirements. Her mind harked back to the "thirties" and "forties," and +she endeavoured to reconstitute the dress of little boys at that +period. She ordered for me a velvet tunic for Sunday wear, of the sort +seen in old prints, and a velvet cap with a peak and tassel, such as +young England wore in William IV.'s days. She had large, floppy, limp +collars specially made for me, of the pattern worn by boys in her +youth; every single article of my unfortunate equipment had been +obsolete for at least thirty years. In my ignorance, and luckily not +knowing what was in store for me, I felt immensely proud of my new kit. +</P> + +<P> +On the first Sunday after my arrival at school, I arrayed myself with +great satisfaction in a big, floppy collar, and my new velvet tunic, +amidst the loud jeers of all the other boys in the dormitory. I was, +however, hardly prepared for the yells and howls of derision with which +my appearance in the school-room was greeted; my unfortunate garments +were held to be so unspeakably grotesque that boys laughed till the +tears ran down their cheeks. As church-time approached the boys +produced their high hats, which I found were worn even by little +fellows of eight; I had nothing but my terrible tasselled velvet cap, +the sight of which provoked even louder jeers than the tunic had done. +We marched to church two and two, in old-fashioned style in a +"crocodile," but not a boy in the school would walk beside me in my +absurd garments, so a very forlorn little fellow trotted to church +alone behind the usher, acutely conscious of the very grotesque figure +he was presenting. I must have been dressed very much as Henry +Fairchild was when he went to visit his little friend Master Noble. On +returning from church, I threw my velvet cap into the water-butt, +where, for all I know, it probably is still, and nothing would induce +me to put on the velvet tunic or the floppy collars a second time. I +bombarded my family with letters until I found myself equipped with a +high hat and Eton jackets and collars such as the other boys wore. +</P> + +<P> +We were taught French at Chittenden's by a very pleasant old Belgian, +M. Vansittart. I could talk French then as easily as English, and after +exchanging a few sentences with M. Vansittart, he cried, "Tiens! mais +c'est un petit Francais;" but the other boys laughed so unmercifully at +what they termed my affected accent, that in self-defence I adopted an +ultra-British pronunciation, made intentional mistakes, and, in order +to conform to type, punctiliously addressed our venerable instructor as +"Moosoo," just as the other boys did. M. Vansittart must have been a +very old man, for he had fought as a private in the Belgian army at the +Battle of Waterloo. He had once been imprudent enough to admit that he +and some Belgian friends of his had...how shall we put it?...absented +themselves from the battlefield without the permission of their +superiors, and had hurriedly returned to Brussels, being doubtless +fatigued by their exertions. His little tormentors never let him forget +this. When we thought that we had done enough French for the day, a +shrill young voice would pipe out, "Now, Moosoo, please tell us how you +and all the Belgians ran away from the Battle of Waterloo." It never +failed to achieve the desired end. "Ah! tas de petits sacripants! 'Ow +dare you say dat?" thundered the poor old gentleman, and he would go on +to explain that his and his friends' retirement was only actuated by +the desire to be the first bearers to Brussels of the news of +Wellington's great victory, and to assuage their families' very natural +anxiety as to their safety. He added, truthfully enough, "Nos jambes +courraient malgres nous." Poor M. Vansittart! He was a gentle and a +kindly old man, with traces of the eighteenth-century courtliness of +manner, and smothered in snuff. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Chittenden was never tired of dinning into us the astonishing +merits of a pupil who had been at the school eleven or twelve years +before us. This model boy apparently had the most extraordinary mental +gifts, and had never broken any of the rules. Mr. Chittenden predicted +a brilliant future for him, and would not be surprised should he +eventually become Prime Minister. The paragon had had a distinguished +career at Eton, and was at present at Cambridge, where he was certain +to do equally well. From having this Admirable Crichton perpetually +held up to us as an example, we grew rather tired of his name, much as +the Athenians wearied at constantly hearing Aristides described as "the +just." At length we heard that the pattern-boy would spend two days at +Hoddesdon on his way back to Cambridge. We were all very anxious to see +him. As Mr. Chittenden confidently predicted that he would one day +become Prime Minister, I formed a mental picture of him as being like +my uncle, Lord John Russell, the only Prime Minister I knew. He would +be very short, and would have his neck swathed in a high black-satin +stock. When the Cambridge undergraduate appeared, he was, on the +contrary, very tall and thin, with a slight stoop, and so far from +wearing a high stock, he had an exceedingly long neck emerging from a +very low collar. His name was Arthur James Balfour. +</P> + +<P> +I think Mr. Balfour and the late Mr. George Wyndham were the only +pupils of Chittenden's who made names for themselves. The rest of us +were content to plod along in the rut, though we had been taught to +concentrate, to remember, and to observe. +</P> + +<P> +Compared with the manner in which little boys are now pampered at +preparatory schools, our method of life appears very Spartan. We never +had fires or any heating whatever in our dormitories, and the windows +were always open. We were never given warm water to wash in, and in +frosty weather our jugs were frequently frozen over. Truth compels me +to admit that this freak of Nature's was rather welcomed, for little +boys are not as a rule over-enamoured of soap and water, and it was an +excellent excuse for avoiding any ablutions whatever. We rose at six, +winter and summer, and were in school by half-past six. The windows of +the school-room were kept open, whilst the only heating came from a +microscopic stove jealously guarded by a huge iron stockade to prevent +the boys from approaching it. For breakfast we were never given +anything but porridge and bread and butter. We had an excellent dinner +at one o'clock, but nothing for tea but bread and butter again, never +cake or jam. It will horrify modern mothers to learn that all the boys, +even little fellows of eight, were given two glasses of beer at dinner. +And yet none of us were ever ill. I was nearly five years at +Chittenden's, and I do not remember one single case of illness. We were +all of us in perfect health, nor were we ever afflicted with those +epidemics which seem to play such havoc with modern schools, from all +of which I can only conclude that a regime of beer and cold rooms is +exceedingly good for little boys. +</P> + +<P> +The Grange, Mr. Chittenden's house, was one of the most perfect +examples of a real Queen Anne house that I ever saw. Every room in the +house was wood-panelled, and there was some fine carving on the +staircase. The house, with a splendid avenue of limes leading up to it, +stood in a large old-world garden, where vast cedar trees spread +themselves duskily over shaven lawns round a splashing fountain, and +where scarlet geraniums blazed. Such a beautiful old place was quite +wasted as a school. +</P> + +<P> +We were very well treated by both Mr. and Mrs. Chittenden, and we were +all very happy at the Grange. During my first year there one of my +elder brothers died. A child of ten, should death never have touched +his family, looks upon it as something infinitely remote, affecting +other people but not himself. Then when the first gap in the home +occurs, all the child's little world tumbles to pieces, and he wonders +how the birds have the heart to go on singing as usual, and how the sun +can keep on shining. A child's grief is very poignant and real. I can +never forget Mr. and Mrs. Chittenden's extreme kindness to a very +sorrowful little boy at that time. +</P> + +<P> +There was one curious custom at Chittenden's, and I do not know whether +it obtained in other schools in those days. Some time in the summer +term the head-boy would announce that "The Three Sundays" had arrived, +and must be duly observed according to ancient custom. We all obeyed +him implicity. The first Sunday was "Cock-hat Sunday," the second "Rag +Sunday," and the third (if I may be pardoned) "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." +On the first Sunday we all marched to church with our high hats at an +extreme angle over our left ears; on the second Sunday every boy had +his handkerchief trailing out of his pocket; on the third, I am sorry +to say, thirty-one little boys expectorated surreptitiously but +simultaneously in the pews, as the first words of the Litany were +repeated. I think that we were all convinced that these were regularly +appointed festivals of the Church of England. I know that I was, and I +spent hours hunting fruitlessly through my Prayer Book to find some +allusion to them. I found Sundays after Epiphany, Sundays in Lent, and +Sundays after Trinity, but not one word could I discover, to my +amazement, either about "Cock-hat Sunday" or "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." +What can have been the origin of this singular custom I cannot say. +When I, in my turn, became head-boy, I fixed "The Three Sundays" early +in May. It so happened that year that the Thursday after "Cock-hat +Sunday" was Ascension Day, when we also went to church, but, it being a +week-day, we wore our school caps in the place of high hats. Ascension +Day thus falling, if I may so express myself, within the Octave of +"Cock-hat Sunday," I decreed that the customary ritual must be observed +with the school caps, and my little flock obeyed me implicitly. So +eager were some of the boys to do honour to this religious festival, +that their caps were worn at such an impossible angle that they kept +tumbling off all the way to church. It is the only time in my life that +I have ever wielded even a semblance of ecclesiastical authority, and I +cannot help thinking that the Archbishop of Canterbury would have +envied the unquestioning obedience with which all my directions were +received, for I gather that his own experience has not invariably been +equally fortunate. +</P> + +<P> +At thirteen I said good-bye to the pleasant Grange, and went, as my +elder brothers, my father, and my grandfather had done before me, to +Harrow. +</P> + +<P> +In the Harrow of the "seventies" there was one unique personality, that +of the Rev. John Smith, best-loved of men. This saintly man was +certainly very eccentric. We never knew then that his whole life had +been one long fight against the hereditary insanity which finally +conquered him. In appearance he was very tall and gaunt, with +snow-white whiskers and hair, and the kindest eyes I have ever seen in +a human face; he was meticulously clean and neat in his dress. "John," +as he was invariably called, on one occasion met a poorly clad beggar +shivering in the street on a cold day, and at once stripped off his own +overcoat and insisted on the beggar taking it. John never bought +another overcoat, but wrapped himself in a plaid in winter-time. He +addressed all boys indiscriminately as "laddie," though he usually +alluded to the younger ones as "smallest of created things," +"infinitesimal scrap of humanity," or "most diminutive of men"; but, +wildly eccentric as he was, no one ever thought of laughing at him. It +was just "old John," and that explained everything. +</P> + +<P> +I was never "up" to John, for he taught a low Form, and I had come from +Chittenden's, and all Chittenden's boys took high places; but he took +"pupil-room" in my house, and helped my tutor generally, so I saw John +daily, and, like every one else, I grew very much attached to this +simple, saint-like old clergyman. +</P> + +<P> +He went round every room in the house on Sunday evenings, always first +scrupulously knocking at the door. An untidy room gave him positive +pain, and the most slovenly boys would endeavour to get their filthy +rooms into some sort of order, "just to please old John." John was +passionately fond of flowers, and one would meet the most unlikely boys +with bunches of roses in their hands. If one inquired what they were +for, they would say half-sheepishly, "Oh, just a few roses I've bought. +I thought they would please old John; you know how keen the old chap is +on flowers." Now English schoolboys are not as a rule in the habit of +presenting flowers to their masters. For all his apparent simplicity, +John was not easy to "score off." I have known Fifth-form boys bring a +particularly difficult passage of Herodotus to John in "pupil-room," +knowing that he was not a great Greek scholar. John, after glancing at +the passage, would say, "Laddie, you splendid fellows in the Upper +Fifth know so much; I am but a humble and very ignorant old man. This +passage is beyond my attainments. Go to your tutor, my child. He will +doubtless make it all clear to you; and pray accept my apologies for +being unable to help you," and the Fifth-form boy would go away feeling +thoroughly ashamed of himself. After his death, it was discovered from +his diary that John had been in the habit of praying for twenty boys by +name, every night of his life. He went right down the school list, and +then he began again. Any lack of personal cleanliness drove him +frantic. I myself have heard him order a boy with dirty nails and hands +out of the room, crying, "Out of my sight, unclean wretch! Go and +cleanse the hands God gave you, before I allow you to associate with +clean gentlemen, and write out for me two hundred times, 'Cleanliness +is next to godliness.'" +</P> + +<P> +John took the First Fourth, and his little boys could always be +detected by their neatness and extreme cleanliness. Neither of these +can be called a characteristic of little boys in general, but the +little fellows made an effort to overcome their natural tendencies "to +please old John." When his hereditary enemy triumphed, and his reason +left him, hundreds of his old pupils wished to subscribe, and to +surround John for the remainder of his life with all the comforts that +could be given him in his afflicted condition. It was very +characteristic of John to refuse this offer, and to go of his own +accord into a pauper asylum, where he combined the duties of chaplain +and butler until his death. John was buried at Harrow, and by his own +wish no bell was tolled, and his coffin was covered with scarlet +geraniums, as a sign of rejoicing. I know how I should describe John, +were I preaching a sermon. +</P> + +<P> +Another mildly eccentric Harrow master was the Rev. T. Steele, +invariably known as "Tommy." His peculiarities were limited to his use +of the pronoun "we" instead of "I," as though he had been a crowned +head, and to his habit of perpetually carrying, winter and summer, rain +or sunshine, a gigantic bright blue umbrella. He had these umbrellas +specially made for him; they were enormous, the sort of umbrellas Mrs. +Gamp must have brought with her when her professional services were +requisitioned, and they were of the most blatant blue I have ever +beheld. Old Mr. Steele, with his jovial rubicund face, his flowing +white beard, and his bright blue umbrella, was a species of walking +tricolour flag. +</P> + +<P> +Schoolboys worship a successful athlete. There was a very pleasant +mathematical master named Tosswill, always known as "Tosher," who at +that time held the record for a broad jump, he having cleared, when +jumping for Oxford, twenty-two and a half feet. That record has long +since been beaten. Should one be walking with another boy when passing +"Tosher," he was almost certain to say, "You know that Tosher holds the +record for broad jumps. Twenty-two and a half feet; he must be an +awfully decent chap!" Tosswill had the knack of devising ingenious +punishments. I was "up" to him for mathematics, and, with my hopelessly +non-mathematical mind, I must have been a great trial to him. At that +time I was playing the euphonium in the school brass band, an +instrument which afforded great joy to its exponents, for in most +military marches the solo in the "trio" falls to the euphonium, though +I fancy that I evoked the most horrible sounds from my big brass +instrument. To play a brass instrument with any degree of precision, it +is first necessary to acquire a "lip"—that is to say, the centre of +the lip covered by the mouthpiece must harden and thicken before "open +notes" can be sounded accurately. To "get a lip" quickly, I always +carried my mouthpiece in my pocket, and blew noiselessly into it +perpetually, even in school. Tosher had noticed this. One day my +algebra paper was even worse than usual. With the best intentions in +the world to master this intricate branch of knowledge, algebra +conveyed nothing whatever to my brain. To state that A + b = xy, seemed +to me the assertion of a palpable and self-evident falsehood. After +looking through my paper, Tosher called me up. "Your algebra is quite +hopeless, Hamilton. You will write me out a Georgic. No; on second +thoughts, as you seem to like your brass instrument, you shall bring it +up to my house every morning for ten days, and as the clock strikes +seven, you shall play me "Home, Sweet Home" under my window." +Accordingly every morning for ten days I trudged through the High +Street of Harrow with my big brass instrument under my arm, and as +seven rang out from the school clock, I commenced my extremely +lugubrious rendering of "Home, Sweet Home," on the euphonium, to a +scoffing and entirely unsympathetic audience of errand-boys and early +loafers, until Tosher's soap-lathered face nodded dismissal from the +window. +</P> + +<P> +The school songs play a great part in Harrow life. Generation after +generation of boys have sung these songs, and they form a most potent +bond of union between Harrovians of all ages, for their words and music +are as familiar to the old Harrovian of sixty as to the present +Harrovian of sixteen. +</P> + +<P> +Most of these songs are due to the genius of two men, Edward Bowen and +John Farmer. Like Gilbert and Sullivan, neither of these would, I +think, have risen to his full height without the aid of the other. +Farmer had an inexhaustible flow of facile melody at his command, +always tuneful, sometimes almost inspired. In addition to the published +songs, he was continually throwing off musical settings to topical +verse, written for some special occasion. These were invariably bright +and catchy, and I am sorry that Farmer considered them of too ephemeral +a nature to be worth preserving. "Racquets," in particular, had a +delightfully ear-tickling refrain. Bowen's words are a little unequal +at times, but at his best he is very hard to beat. +</P> + +<P> +I had organ lessons from Farmer, and as I liked him extremely, I was +continually at his house. I enjoyed seeing him covering sheets of music +paper with rapid notation, and then humming the newly born product of +his musical imagination. As I had a fairly good treble voice, and could +read a part easily, Farmer often selected me to try one of his new +compositions at "house-singing," where the boys formed an exceedingly +critical audience. Either the new song was approved of, or it was +received in chilling silence. Farmer in moments of excitement perspired +more than any human being I have ever seen. Going to his house one +afternoon, I found him bathed in perspiration, writing away for dear +life. He motioned me to remain silent, and went on writing. Presently +he jumped up, and exclaimed triumphantly, "I have got it! I have got it +at last!" He then showed me the words he was setting to music. They +began: +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Forty years on, when afar and asunder,<BR> + Parted are those who are singing to-day."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +"I wrote another tune to it first," explained Farmer, "a bright tune, a +regular bell-tinkle" (his invariable expression for a catchy tune), +"but Bowen's words are too fine for that. They want something +hymn-like, something grand, and now I've found it. Listen!" and Farmer +played me that majestic, stately melody which has since been heard in +every country and in every corner of the globe, wherever two old +Harrovians have come together. Some people may recall how, during the +Boer War, "Forty years on" was sung by two mortally wounded Harrovians +on the top of Spion Kop just before they died. +</P> + +<P> +To my great regret my voice had broken then, else it is quite possible +that Farmer might have selected me to sing "Forty years on" for the +very first time. As it was, that honour fell to a boy named A.M. +Wilkinson, who had a remarkably sweet voice. +</P> + +<P> +John Farmer's eccentricities were, I think, all assumed. He thought +they helped him to manage the boys. I sang in the chapel choir, and he +circulated the quaintest little notes amongst us, telling us how he +wished the Psalms sung. "Psalm 136, quite gaily and cheerfully; Psalm +137, very slowly and sorrowfully; Psalm 138, real merry bell-tinkle, +with plenty of organ.—J. F." +</P> + +<P> +Long after I had left, Farmer continued to pour out a ceaseless flow of +school songs. Of course they varied in merit, but in some, such as +"Raleigh," and "Five Hundred Faces," he managed to touch some subtle +chord of sympathy that makes them very dear to those who heard them in +their youth. After Farmer left Harrow for Oxford, his successor, Eaton +Faning, worthily continued the traditions. All Eaton Failing's songs +are melodious, but in two of them, "Here, sir!" and "Pray, charge your +glasses, gentlemen," he reaches far higher levels. +</P> + +<P> +The late E.W. Howson's words to "Here, sir!" seem to strike exactly the +right note for boys. They are fine and virile, with underlying +sentiment, yet free from the faintest suspicion of mawkish +sentimentality. Two of the verses are worth quoting: +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Is it nought—our long procession,<BR> + Father, brother, friend, and son,<BR> + As we step in quick succession,<BR> + Cap and pass and hurry on?<BR> + One and all,<BR> + At the call,<BR> + Cap and pass and hurry on?<BR> + Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "So to-day—and oh! if ever<BR> + Duty's voice is ringing clear,<BR> + Bidding men to brave endeavour,<BR> + Be our answer, 'We are here!'<BR> + Come what will,<BR> + Good or ill,<BR> + We will answer, 'We are here!'<BR> + Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc.<BR> +</P> + +<P> +The allusion is, of course, to "Bill," the Harrow term for the +roll-call. These lines, for me, embody all that is best in the +so-called "Public School spirit." +</P> + +<P> +In my time the distant view from the chapel terrace was exceedingly +beautiful, whilst the immediate foreground was uncompromisingly ugly. A +vegetable garden then covered the space where now the steps of the +"Slopes" run down through lawns and shrubberies, and rows of +utilitarian cabbages and potatoes extended right up to the terrace +wall. But beyond this prosaic display of kitchen-stuff, in summer-time +an unbroken sea of green extended to the horizon, dotted with such +splendid oaks as only a heavy clay soil can produce. London, instead of +being ten miles off, might have been a hundred miles distant. Now, for +fifty years London, Cobbett's "monstrous wen," has been throwing her +tentative feelers into the green Harrow country. Already pioneer +tentacles of red-brick houses are creeping over the fields, and before +long the rural surroundings will have vanished beyond repair. +</P> + +<P> +"Ducker," the Harrow bathing-place, has had scant justice done to it. +It is a most attractive spot, standing demurely isolated amidst its +encircling fringe of fine elms, and jealously guarded by a high wooden +palisade, No unauthorised person can penetrate into "Ducker"; in +summer-time it is the boys' own domain. The long tiled pool stretches +in sweeping curves for 250 feet under the great elms, a splashing +fountain at one end, its far extremity gay with lawns and flower-beds. +I can conceive of nothing more typical of the exuberant joie-de-vivre +of youth than the sight of Ducker on a warm summer evening when the +place is ringing with the shouts and laughter of some four hundred +boys, all naked as when they were born, swimming, diving, ducking each +other, splashing and rollicking in the water, whilst others stretched +out on the grass, puris naturalibus, are basking in the sun, or +regaling themselves on buns and cocoa. The whole place is vibrant with +the intense zest the young feel in life, and with the whole-hearted +powers of enjoyment of boyhood. A school-song set to a captivating +waltz-lilt record the charms of Ducker. One verse of it, +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Oh! the effervescing tingle,<BR> + How it rushes in the veins!<BR> + Till the water seems to mingle<BR> + With the pulses and the brains,"<BR> +</P> + +<P> +exactly expresses the reason why, as a boy, I loved Ducker so. +</P> + +<P> +Unfortunately, I never played cricket for Harrow at "Lords," as my two +brothers George and Ernest did. My youngest brother would, I think, +have made a great name for himself as a cricketer, had not the fairies +endowed him at his birth with a fatal facility for doing everything +easily. As the result of this versatility, his ambitions were +continually changing. He accordingly abandoned cricket for steeplechase +riding, at which he distinguished himself until politics ousted +steeplechase riding. After some years, politics gave place to golf and +music, which were in their turn supplanted by photography. He then +tried writing a few novels, and very successful some of them were, +until it finally dawned on him that his real vocation in life was that +of a historian. My brother was naturally frequently rallied by his +family on his inconstancy of purpose, but he pleaded in extenuation +that versatility had very marked charms of its own. He produced one day +a copy of verses, written in the Gilbertian metre, to illustrate his +mental attitude, and they strike me as so neatly worded, that I will +reproduce them in full. +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "THE CURSE OF VERSATILITY"<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "It is possible the student of Political Economy<BR> + Might otherwise have cultivated Fame,<BR> + And the Scientist whose energies are given to Astronomy<BR> + May sacrifice a literary name.<BR> + In the Royal Academician may be buried a facility<BR> + For prosecuting Chemical Research,<BR> + But he knows that if he truckles to the Curse of Versatility,<BR> + Competitors will leave him in the lurch.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "If an eminent physician should develop a proclivity<BR> + For singing on the operatic stage,<BR> + He will find that though his patients may apparently forgive<BR> + it, he<BR> + Will temporal'ly cease to be the rage,<BR> + And the lawyer who depreciates his logical ability<BR> + And covets a poetical renown,<BR> + Will discover on his Circuit that the Curse of Versatility<BR> + Has limited the office of his gown.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "The costermonger yonder, if he had the opportunity,<BR> + Might rival the political career<BR> + Of the orator who poses as the pride of the community,<BR> + The Radical Hereditary Peer.<BR> + And the genius who fattens on a chronic inability<BR> + To widen the horizon of his brain,<BR> + May be stupider than others whom the Curse of Versatility<BR> + Has fettered with a mediocre chain.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Should a Civil Servant woo the panegyrics of Society,<BR> + And hanker after posthumous applause,<BR> + It MAY happen that possession of a prodigal variety<BR> + Of talents will invalidate his cause.<BR> + He must learn to put a tether on his cerebral agility,<BR> + And focus all his energies of aim<BR> + On ONE isolated idol, or the Curse of Versatility<BR> + Will drag him from the pinnacle of Fame.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Though the Curse may be upon us, and condemn us for Eternity<BR> + To jostle with the ordinary horde;<BR> + Though we grovel at the shrine of the professional fraternity<BR> + Who harp upon one solitary chord;<BR> + Still...we face the situation with an imperturbability<BR> + Of spirit, from the knowledge that we owe<BR> + To the witchery that lingers in the Curse of Versatility<BR> + The balance of our happiness below."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +Of course, to some temperaments variety will appeal; whilst others +revel in monotony. The latter are like a District Railway train, going +perpetually round and round the same Inner Circle. As far as my +experience goes, the former are the more interesting people to meet. +</P> + +<P> +To persons of my time of life, the last verse of "Forty years on" has a +tendency to linger in the memory. It runs— +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Forty years on, growing older and older,<BR> + Shorter in wind, as in memory long,<BR> + Feeble of foot, and rheumatic of shoulder,<BR> + What will it help you that once you were strong?"<BR> +</P> + +<P> +Although it is now fifty, instead of "forty years on," I indignantly +disclaim the "feeble of foot," whilst reluctantly pleading guilty to +"rheumatic of shoulder." It is common to most people, as they advance +in life, to note with a sorrowful satisfaction the gradual decay of the +physical powers of their contemporaries, though they always seem to +imagine that they themselves have retained all their pristine vigour, +and have successfully resisted every assault of Time's battering-ram. +The particular sentiment described in German as "Schadenfreude," +"pleasure over another's troubles" (how characteristic it is that there +should be no equivalent in any other language for this peculiarly +Teutonic emotion!), makes but little appeal to the average Briton +except where questions of age and of failing powers come into play, and +obviously this only applies to men: no lady ever grows old for those +who are really fond of her; one always sees her as one likes best to +think of her. +</P> + +<P> +I have already divulged one family secret, so I will reveal another. +Some few years ago my three eldest brothers were dining together. Each +of them professed deep concern at the palpable signs of physical decay +which he detected in his brethren, whilst congratulating himself on +remaining untouched by advancing years. The dispute became acrimonious +to a degree; the grossest personalities were freely bandied about. At +length it was decided to put the matter to a practical test, and it was +agreed (I tell this in the strictest confidence) that the three +brothers should run a hundred yards race in the street then and there. +Accordingly, a nephew of mine paced one hundred yards in Montagu +Street, Portman Square, and stood immovable as winning-post. The +Chairman of the British South African Chartered Company, the Chairman +of the Great Eastern Railway Company, and the Secretary of State for +India took up their positions in the street and started. The Chairman +of the Great Eastern romped home. We are all of us creatures of our +environment, and we may become unconsciously coloured by that +environment; as the Great Eastern Railway has always adopted a go-ahead +policy, it is possible that some particle of the momentum which would +naturally result from this may have been subconsciously absorbed by the +Chairman, thus giving him an unfair advantage over his brothers. It is +unusual for a Duke, a Chairman of an important Railway Company, and a +Secretary of State to run races in a London street at ten o'clock at +night, especially when the three of them were long past their sixtieth +year, but I feel certain that my confidence about this little episode +will be respected. +</P> + +<P> +I fear that this habit of running races late in life may be a family +failing. During my father's second tenure of office as Lord-Lieutenant +of Ireland, he was still an enthusiastic cricketer, and played +regularly in the Viceregal team in spite of his sixty-four years. The +Rev. Dr. Mahaffy, Professor of Ancient History at Trinity College, +Dublin, also played for the Viceregal Lodge in his capacity of Chaplain +to the Viceroy. Dr. Mahaffy, though a fine bowler, was the worst runner +I have ever seen. He waddled and paddled slowly over the ground like a +duck, with his feet turned outwards, exactly as that uninteresting fowl +moves. My father frequently rallied Dr. Mahaffy on his defective +locomotive powers, and finally challenged him to a two hundred yards +race. My father being sixty-four years old, and Dr. Mahaffy only +thirty-six, it was agreed that the Professor should be handicapped by +wearing cricket-pads, and by carrying a cricket bat. I was present at +the race, which came off in the gardens of the Viceregal Lodge, before +quite a number of people. My father won with the utmost ease, to the +delirious joy of the two policemen on duty, who had never before seen a +Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland racing a Professor of Trinity College. +</P> + +<P> +I myself must plead guilty to having entered for a "Veterans' Race" two +years ago, at the age of sixty-one, at some Sunday School sports in +Ireland. I ran against a butler, a gardener, two foremen-mechanics, and +four farmers, but only achieved second place, and that at the price of +a sprained tendon, so possibly the "feeble of foot" of the song really +is applicable to me after all. The butler, who won, started off with +the lead and kept it, though one would naturally have expected a butler +to run a "waiting" race. +</P> + +<P> +I was at Harrow with the Duke of Aosta, brother of the beautiful Queen +Margherita of Italy. H. R. H. sported a full curly yellow beard at the +age of sixteen, a somewhat unusual adornment for an English schoolboy. +When I accompanied my father's special Mission to Rome in 1878, at a +luncheon at the Quirinal Palace, Queen Margherita alluded to her +brother having been at Harrow, and added, "I am told that Harrow is the +best school in England." The Harrovians present, including my father, +my brother Claud, myself, the late Lord Bradford, and my brother-in-law +the late Lord Mount Edgcumbe, welcomed this indisputable proposition +warmly—nay, enthusiastically. The Etonians who were there, Sir +Augustus Paget, then British Ambassador in Rome, the late Lord +Northampton, and others, contravened her Majesty's obviously true +statement with great heat, quite oblivious of the fact that it is +opposed to all etiquette to contradict a Crowned Head. The dispute +engendered considerable heat on either side; the walls of that hall in +the Quirinal rang with our angered protests, until the Italians present +became quite alarmed. Our discussion having taken place in English, +they had been unable to follow it, and they felt the gravest +apprehensions as to the plot the foreigners were evidently hatching. +When told that we were merely discussing the rival merits of two +schools in England, they were more than ever confirmed in their opinion +that all English people were hopelessly mad. +</P> + +<P> +To one like myself, to whom it has fallen to visit almost every country +on the face of the globe, there is always a tinge of melancholy in +revisiting the familiar High Street of Harrow. It is like returning to +the starting-point at the conclusion of a long race. The externals +remain unchanged. Outwardly, the New Schools, the Chapel, the Vaughan +Library, and the Head-Master's House all wear exactly the same aspect +that they bore half a century ago. They have not changed, and the +ever-renewed stream of young life flows through the place as joyously +as it did fifty years ago. But.... +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Oh, the great days in the distance enchanted,<BR> + Days of fresh air, in the rain and the sun."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +At times the imagination is apt to play tricks and to set back the +hands of the clock, until one pictures oneself again in a short jacket +and Eton collar, going up to school, with a pile of books hugged under +the left arm, and the intervening half-century wiped out. But, as they +would put it in Ireland, these lucky, fresh-faced youngsters of to-day +have their futures in front of them, not behind them. Then it is that +Howson's words, wedded to John Farmer's haunting refrain, come back to +the mind— +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Yet the time may come as the years go by,<BR> + When your heart will thrill<BR> + At the thought of 'The Hill'<BR> + And the day that you came, so strange and shy."<BR> +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap05"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER V +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Mme. Ducros—A Southern French country town—"Tartarin de +Tarascon"—His prototypes at Nyons—M. Sisteron the roysterer—The +Southern French—An octogenarian pesteur—French +industry—"Bone-shakers"—A wonderful +"Cordon-bleu"—"Slop-basin"—French legal procedure—The +bons-vivants—The merry French judges—La gaiete francaise—Delightful +excursions—Some sleepy old towns—Orange and Avignon—M. Thiers' +ingenious cousin—Possibilities—French political situation in +1874—The Comte de Chambord—Some French characteristics—High +intellectual level—Three days in a Trappist Monastery—Details of life +there—The Arian heresy—Silkworm culture—Tendencies of French to +complicate details—Some examples—Cicadas in London. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +As it had already been settled that I was to enter the Diplomatic +Service, my father very wisely determined that I should leave Harrow as +soon as I was seventeen to go to France, in order to learn French +thoroughly. As he pointed out, it would take three years at least to +become proficient in French and German, and it would be as well to +begin at once. +</P> + +<P> +The French tutor selected for me enjoyed a great reputation at that +time. Oddly enough, she was a woman, but it will be gathered that she +was quite an exceptional woman, when I say that she had for years ruled +four unruly British cubs, varying in age from seventeen to twenty, with +an absolute rod of iron. Mme. Ducros was the wife of a French judge, +she spoke English perfectly, and must have been in her youth a +wonderfully good-looking woman. She was very tall, and still adhered to +the dress and headdress of the "sixties," wearing little bunches of +curls over each ear—a becoming fashion, even if rather reminiscent of +a spaniel. +</P> + +<P> +The Ducros lived at Nyons in the south of France. Nyons lay twenty-five +miles east of the main line from Paris to Marseilles, and could only be +reached by diligence. I think that I can safely say that no foreigner +(with the exception of the Ducros' pupils) had ever set foot in Nyons, +for the place was quite unknown, and there was nothing to draw +strangers there. It was an extraordinarily attractive spot, lying in a +little circular cup of a valley of the Dauphine Alps, through which a +brawling river had bored its way. Nyons was celebrated for its wine, +its olive oil, its silk, and its truffles, all of them superlatively +good. The ancient little walled town, basking in this sun-trap of a +valley, stood out ochre-coloured against the silver-grey background of +olive trees, whilst the jagged profiles of the encircling hills were +always mistily blue, with that intense blue of which the Provence hills +seem alone to have the secret. So few English people knew anything +about the conditions of life in a little out-of-the-way French +provincial town, where no foreigners have ever set foot, that it may be +worth while saying something about them. In the first place, it must +have been deadly dull for the inhabitants, for nothing whatever +happened there. Even the familiar "tea and tennis," the stereotyped +mild dissipation of little English towns, was quite unknown. There was +no entertaining of any sort, beyond the formal visits the ladies were +perpetually paying each other. The Ducros alone, occasionally, asking +their legal friends to dinner, invitations accepted with the utmost +enthusiasm, for the culinary genius who presided over the Ducros' +kitchen (M. Dueros' own sister) deservedly enjoyed an enormous local +reputation. +</P> + +<P> +Most people must be familiar with Alphonse Daudet's immortal work, +Tartarin de Tarascon, in which the typical "Meridional" of Southern +France is portrayed with such unerring exactitude that Daudet himself, +after writing the book, was never able to set foot in Tarascon again. +</P> + +<P> +We had a cercle in Nyons, in the Place Napoleon (re-christened Place de +la Republique after September 4, 1870), housed in three rather stately, +sparsely furnished, eighteenth-century rooms. Here, with the exception +of Tartarin himself, the counterparts of all Daudet's characters were +to be found. "Le Capitaine Bravida" was represented by Colonel Olivier, +a fiercely moustached and imperialled Crimean veteran, who perpetually +breathed fire and swords on any potential enemy of France. "Costecalde" +found his prototype in M. Sichap, who, although he had in all +probability never fired off a gun in his life, could never see a tame +pigeon, or even a sparrow flying over him, without instantly putting +his walking-stick to his shoulder and loudly ejaculating, "Pan, pan," +which was intended to counterfeit the firing of both barrels of a gun. +I once asked M. Sichap why so excellent a shot as he (with a +walking-stick) invariably missed his bird with his first barrel, and +only brought him down with his second. This was quite a new light to M. +Sichap, who had hithered considered the double "Pan, pan," an +indispensable adjunct to the pantomime of firing a gun; much as my +young brother and I had once imagined "Ug, ug," an obligatory +commencement to any remark made by a Red Indian "brave." +</P> + +<P> +In so remote a place as Nyons, over four hundred miles from the +capital, the glamour of Paris exercised a magical attraction. The few +inhabitants of Nyons who had ever visited Paris, or even merely passed +through it, were never quite as other people, some little remnant of an +aureole encircled them. The dowdy little wife of M. Pelissier, who had +first seen the light in some grubby suburb of Paris, either +Levallois-Perret or Clichy, held an immense position in Nyons on the +strength of being "une vraie Parisienne," and most questions of taste +were referred to her. M. Sisteron, the collector of taxes, himself a +native of Nyons, had twenty years before gone to Paris on business, and +spent four days there. There were the darkest rumours current in Nyons, +to the effect that M. Sisteron had spent these four days in a whirl of +the most frantic and abandoned dissipation. It was popularly supposed +that these four days in Paris, twenty years ago, had so completely +unsettled M. Sisteron that life in Nyons had lost all zest for him. He +was perpetually hungering for the delirious joys of the metropolis; +even the collection of taxes no longer afforded him the faintest +gratification. Every inhabitant of Nyons was secretly proud of being +able to claim so dare-devil a roysterer as a fellow-townsman. The +memory of those rumored four hectic days in Paris clung round him like +a halo; it became almost a pleasure to pay taxes to so celebrated a +character. M. Sisteron was short, paunchy, bald, and bearded. He was a +model husband and a pattern as a father. I am persuaded that he had +spent those four days in Paris in the most blameless and innocuous +fashion, living in the cheapest hotel he could find, and, after the +manner of the people of Nyons, never spending one unnecessary franc. +Still, the legend of his lurid four days, and of the amount of +champagne he had consumed during them, persisted. In moments of +expansion, his intimate friends would dig him in the ribs, remembering +those four feverish days, with a facetious, "Ah! vieux polisson de +Sisteron, va! Nous autres, nous n'avons pas fait des farces a Paris +dans notre jeunesse!" to M. Sisteron's unbounded delight. It was in the +genuine spirit of Tartarin de Tarascon, with all the mutual +make-believe on both sides. His wife, Mme. Sisteron, was fond of +assuring her friends that she owed her excellent health to the fact +that she invariably took a bath twice a year, whether she required it +or not. +</P> + +<P> +The other members of the cercle were also mostly short, tubby, +black-bearded, and olive-complexioned. When not engaged in playing +"manille" for infinitesimal points, they would all shout and +gesticulate violently, as only Southern Frenchmen can, relapsing as the +discussion grew more heated into their native Provencal, for though +Nyons is geographically in Dauphine, climatically and racially it is in +Provence. In Southern France the "Langue d'Oil," the literary language +of Paris and Northern France, has never succeeded in ousting the +"Langue d'Oc," the language of the Troubadours. From hearing so much +Provencal talked round me, I could not help picking up some of it. It +was years before I could rid myself of the habit of inquiring quezaco? +instead of "qu'est ce que c'est?" and of substituting for "Comment cela +va-t-il?" the Provencal Commoun as? I found, too, that it was unusual +elsewhere to address people in our Nyons fashion as "Te, mon bon!" +</P> + +<P> +Those swarthy, amply waistcoated, voluble little men were really very +good fellows in spite of their excitability and torrents of talk. +</P> + +<P> +The Southern Frenchmen divide Europe into the "Nord" and the "Midi." +The "Nord" is hardly worth talking about, the sun never really shines +there, and no garlic or oil is used in cookery in those benighted +regions. The town of Lyons is considered to be in the "Nord," although +we should consider it well in the south of France. To the curious in +such matters, it may be pointed out that the line of demarcation +between "Nord" and "Midi" is perfectly well defined. In travelling from +Paris to Marseilles, between Valence and Montelimar, the observer will +note that quite abruptly the type of house changes. In place of the +high-pitched roof of Northern Europe the farm-houses suddenly assume +flat roofs of fluted tiles, with projecting eaves, after the Italian +fashion; at the same time the grey-green olive trees put in a first +appearance. Then you are in the "Midi," and any black-bearded, +olive-complexioned, stumpy little men in the carriage will give a sigh +of relief, for now, at last, the sun will begin to shine. +</P> + +<P> +Nyons had been for two hundred years a Huguenot stronghold, so for a +French town an unusual proportion of its inhabitants were Protestants, +and there was, oddly enough, a colony of French Wesleyans there. +</P> + +<P> +M. Ducros' father had been the Protestant pasteur of Nyons for +forty-four years. He was eighty-six years old, and on week-days the old +gentleman dozed in the sun all day, and was quite senile and gaga. On +Sundays, no sooner had he ascended the pulpit than his faculties seemed +to return to him, and he would preach interminable but perfectly +coherent sermons with a vigour astonishing in so old a man, only to +relapse into childishness again on returning home, and to remain senile +till the following Sunday. +</P> + +<P> +The Ducros lived in a large farm-house on the outskirts of the town. It +was a farm without any livestock, for there is no grass whatever in +that part of France, and consequently no pasture for cattle or sheep. +Every one in Nyons kept goats for milk, and, quaintly enough, they fed +them on the dried mulberry leaves the silkworms had left over. For +every one reared silkworms too, a most lucrative industry. The French +speak of "making" silkworms (faire des vers-a-soie). Lucrative as it +is, it would never succeed in England even if the white mulberry could +be induced to grow, for successful silkworm rearing demands such +continual watchfulness and meticulous attention as only French people +can give; English people "couldn't be bothered" to expend such minute +care on anything they were doing. +</P> + +<P> +Every foot of the Ducros' property was carefully cultivated, with +vineyards above on the terraced hillside, olive-yards below, and +mulberry trees on the lower levels. Our black mulberry, with its +cloying, luscious fruit, is not the sort used for silkworms; it is the +white mulberry, which does not fruit, that these clever little +alchemists transmute into glossy, profitable cocoons of silk. The +Ducros made their own olive-oil, and their own admirable wine. +</P> + +<P> +In that sun-drenched cup amongst the hills, roses bloomed all the year +round. I always see Nyons with my inner eyes from the terrace in front +of the house, the air fragrant with roses, and the soothing gurgle of +the fountain below in my ears as it splashed melodiously into its stone +reservoir, the little town standing out a vivid yellow against the +silver background of olive trees, and the fantastic outlines of the +surrounding hills steeped in that wonderful deep Provencal blue. In +spite of its dullness, I and the three other pupils liked the place. We +all grew very fond of the charming Ducros family, we appreciated the +wonderful beauty of the little spot, we climbed all the hills, and, +above all, we had each hired a velocipede. Not a bicycle (except that +it certainly had two wheels); not a so-called "ordinary," as those +machines with one immensely high, shining, nickel-plated wheel and a +little dwarf brother following it, were for some inexplicable reason +termed; but an original antediluvian velocipede, a genuine +"bone-shaker": a clumsy contrivance with two high wooden wheels of +equal height, and direct action. Even on the level they required an +immense amount of muscle to drive them along, and up the smallest hill +every ounce of available strength had to be brought into play. They did +not steer well, were very difficult to get on and off, and gave us some +awful falls; still we got an immense amount of fun out of them, and we +scoured all the surrounding country on them, until all four of us +developed gigantic calves which would have done credit to any +coal-heaver. +</P> + +<P> +M. Ducros' sister was a brilliant culinary genius such as is only found +in France. We were given truffled omelets, wonderful salads of eggs, +anchovies, and tunny-fish, ducks with oranges and olives, and other +delicacies of the Provencal cuisine prepared by a consummate artist, +and those four English cubs termed them all "muck," and clamoured for +plain roast mutton and boiled potatoes. It really was a case of casting +pearls before swine! Those ignorant hobbledehoys actually turned up +their noses at the admirable "Cotes du Rhone" wine, and begged for +beer. In justice I must add that we were none of us used to truffles or +olives, nor to the oil which replaces butter in Provencal cookery. +Mlle. Louise, the sister, was pained, but not surprised. She had never +left Nyons, and, from her experience of a long string of English +pupils, was convinced that all Englishmen were savages. They inhabited +an island enveloped in dense fog from year's end to year's end. They +had never seen the sun, and habitually lived on half-raw "rosbif." It +was only natural that such young barbarians should fail to appreciate +the cookery of so celebrated a cordon-bleu, which term, I may add, is +only applicable to a woman-cook, and can never be used of a man. This +truly admirable woman made us terrines of truffled foie-gras such as +even Strasburg could not surpass, and gave them to us for breakfast. I +blush to own that those four benighted boys asked for eggs and bacon +instead. +</P> + +<P> +Although M. Ducros had heard English talked around him for so many +years, he had all the average Frenchman's difficulty in assimilating +any foreign language. His knowledge of our tongue was confined to one +word only, and that a most curiously chosen word. "Slop-basin" was the +beginning and end of his knowledge of the English language. M. Ducros +used his one word of English only in moments of great elation. Should, +for instance, his sister Mlle. Louise have surpassed herself in the +kitchen, M. Ducros, after tasting her chef d'oeuvre, would joyously +ejaculate, "Slop-basin!" several times over. It was understood in his +family that "slop-basin" always indicated that the master of the house +was in an extremely contented frame of mind. +</P> + +<P> +The judicial system of France is not as concentrated as ours. Every +Sous-prefecture in France has its local Civil Court with a Presiding +Judge, an Assistant Judge, and a "Substitut." The latter, in small +towns, is the substitute for the Procureur de la Republique, or Public +Prosecutor. The legal profession in France is far more "clannish" than +with us, for lawyers have always played a great part in the history of +France. The so-called "Parlements" (not to be confounded with our +Parliament) had had, up to the time of the French Revolution, very +large powers indeed. They were originally Supreme Courts of Justice, +but by the fifteenth century they could not only make, on their own +account, regulations having the force of laws, but had acquired +independent administrative powers. Originally the "Parlement de Paris" +stood alone, but as time went on, in addition to this, thirteen or +fourteen local "Parlements" administered France. After the Revolution, +the term was only applied to Supreme Courts, without administrative +powers. M. Ducros was Assistant Judge of the Nyons Tribunal, and the +Ducros were rather fond of insisting that they belonged to the old +noblesse de robe. +</P> + +<P> +As a child I could speak French as easily as English, and even after +eight years of French lessons at school, my French was still tucked +away in some corner of my head; but I had, of course, only a child's +vocabulary, sufficient for a child's simple wants. Under Madame Ducros' +skilful tuition I soon began to acquire an adult vocabulary, and it +became no effort to me whatever to talk. +</P> + +<P> +The French judicial system seems to demand perpetual judicial inquiries +(enquetes) in little country places. M. Ducros invited me to accompany +him, the President, and the "Substitut" on one of these enquetes, and +these three, with their tremendous spirits, their perpetual jokes, and +above all with their delightful gaiete francaise, amused me so +enormously, that I jumped at a second invitation. So it came about in +time, that I invariably accompanied them, and when we started in the +shabby old one-horse cabriolet soon after 7 a.m., "notre ami le petit +Angliche" was always perched on the box. My suspicions may be +unfounded, but I somehow think that these enquetes were conducted not +so much on account of legal exigencies as for the gastronomic +possibilities at the end of the journey, for all our inquiries were +made in little towns celebrated for some local chef. These three merry +bons-vivants revelled in the pleasures of the table, and on our arrival +at our destinations, before the day's work was entered upon, there were +anxious and even heated discussions with "Papa Charron," "Pere Vinay," +or whatever the name of the local artist might be, as to the +comparative merits of truffles or olives as an accompaniment to a +filet, or the rival claims of mushrooms or tunny-fish as a worthy +lining of an omelet. The legal business being all disposed of by two +o'clock, we four would approach the great ceremony of the day, the +midday dinner, with tense expectancy. The President could never keep +out of the kitchen, from which he returned with most assuring reports: +"Cette fois ca y est, mes amis," he would jubilantly exclaim, rubbing +his hands, and even "Papa Charron" himself bearing in the first dish, +his face scorched scarlet from his cooking-stove, would confidently +aver that "MM. les juges seront contents aujourd'hui." +</P> + +<P> +The crowning seal of approbation was always put on by M. Ducros, who, +after tasting the masterpiece, would cry exultantly, "Bravo! +Slop-basin! Slop-basin!" should it fulfil his expectations. I have +previously explained that M. Ducros' solitary word of English expressed +supreme satisfaction, whilst his friends looked on, with unconcealed +admiration at their colleague's linguistic powers. It sounds like a +record of three gormandising middle-aged men; but it was not quite +that, though, like most French people, they appreciated artistic +cookery. It is impossible for me to convey in words the charm of that +delightful gaiete francaise, especially amongst southern Frenchmen. It +bubbles up as spontaneously as the sparkle of champagne; they were all +as merry as children, full of little quips and jokes, and plays upon +words. Our English "pun" is a clumsy thing compared to the finesse of a +neatly-turned French calembour. They all three, too, had an +inexhaustible supply of those peculiarly French pleasantries known as +petites gauloiseries. I know that I have never laughed so much in my +life. It is only southern Frenchmen who can preserve this unquenchable +torrent of animal spirits into middle life. I was only seventeen; they +were from twenty to thirty years my seniors, yet I do not think that we +mutually bored each other the least. They did not need the stimulus of +alcohol to aid this flow of spirits, for, like most Frenchmen of that +class, they were very abstemious, although the "Patron" always produced +for us "un bon vieux vin de derriere les fagots," or "un joli petit vin +qui fait rire." It was sheer "joie de-vivre" stimulated by the good +food and that spontaneous gaiete francaise which appeals so +irresistibly to me. The "Substitut" always preserved a rather +deferential attitude before the President and M. Ducros, for they +belonged to the magistrature assise, whilst he merely formed part of +the magistrature debout The French word magistrat is not the equivalent +of our magistrate, the French term for which is "Juge de Paix." A +magistrat means a Judge or a Public Prosecutor. +</P> + +<P> +From being so much with the judges, I grew quite learned in French +legal terms, talked of the parquet (which means the Bar), and +invariably termed the grubby little Nyons law-court the Palais. I +rather fancy that I considered myself a sort of honorary member of the +French Bar. Strictly speaking, Palais only applies to a Court of Law; +old-fashioned Frenchmen always speak of the Chateau de Versailles, or +the Chateau de Fontainbleau, never of the Palais. +</P> + +<P> +There was always plenty to see in these little southern towns whilst +the judges were at work. In one village there was a perfume factory, +where essential oils of sweet-scented geranium, verbena, lavender, and +thyme were distilled for the wholesale Paris perfumers; a fragrant +place, where every operation was carried on with that minute attention +to detail which the French carry into most things that they do, for, +unlike the inhabitants of an adjacent island, they consider that if a +thing is worth doing at all, it is worth taking trouble over. +</P> + +<P> +In another village there was a wholesale dealer in silkworms' eggs, +imported direct from China. Besides the eggs, he had a host of Chinese +curios to dispose of, besides quaint little objects in everyday use in +China. +</P> + +<P> +Above all there was Grignan, with its huge and woefully dilapidated +chateau, the home of Mme. de Sevigne's daughter, the Comtesse de +Grignan. It was to Grignan that this queen of letter-writers addressed +much of her correspondence to her adored daughter, between 1670 and +1695, and Mme. de Sevigne herself was frequently a visitor there. +</P> + +<P> +Occasionally the judges, the Substitut, and I made excursions further +afield by diligence to Orange, Vaucluse, and Avignon, quite outside our +judicial orbit. Orange, a drowsy little spot, has still a splendid +Roman triumphal arch and a Roman theatre in the most perfect state of +preservation. Orange was once a little independent principality, and +gives its name to the Royal Family of Holland, the sister of the last +of the Princes of Orange having married the Count of Nassau, whence the +House of Orange-Nassau. Indirectly, sleepy little Orange has also given +its name to a widely-spread political and religious organisation of +some influence. +</P> + +<P> +Vaucluse, most charming of places, in its narrow leafy valley, +surrounded by towering cliffs, is celebrated as having been the home of +Petrarch for sixteen years during the thirteen hundreds. We may hope +that his worshipped Laura sometimes brightened his home there with her +presence. The famous Fountain of Vaucluse rushes out from its cave a +full-grown river. It wastes no time in infant frivolities, but settles +down to work at once, turning a mill within two hundred yards of its +birthplace. +</P> + +<P> +Avignon is another somnolent spot. The gigantic and gloomy Palace of +the Popes dominates the place, though it is far more like a fortress +than a palace. Here the Popes lived from 1309 to 1377 during their +enforced abandonment of Rome, and Avignon remained part of the Papal +dominions until the French Revolution. The President took less interest +in the Palace of the Popes than he did in a famous cook at one of the +Avignon hotels. He could hardly recall some of the plats of this noted +artist without displaying signs of deep emotion. These ancient towns on +the banks of the swift-rushing green Rhone seemed to me to be +perpetually dozing in the warm sun, like old men, dreaming of their +historic and varied past since the days of the Romans. +</P> + +<P> +My French legal friends were much exercised by a recent decision of the +High Court. M. Thiers had been President of the Republic from 1870 to +1873. A distant cousin of his living in Marseilles, being in pecuniary +difficulties, had applied ineffectually to M. Thiers for assistance. +Whereupon the resourceful lady had opened a restaurant in Marseilles, +and had had painted over the house-front in gigantic letters, +"Restaurant tenu par la cousine de Monsieur Thiers." She was proceeded +against for bringing the Head of the State into contempt, was fined +heavily, and made to remove the offending inscription. My French +friends hotly contested the legality of this decision. They declared +that it was straining the sense of the particular Article of the Code +to make it applicable in such a case, and that it was illogical to +apply the law of Lese-majeste to the Head of a Republican State. The +President pertinently added that no evidence as to the quality of food +supplied in the restaurant had been taken. If bad, it might +unquestionably reflect injuriously on the Head of the State; if good, +on the other hand, in view of the admitted relationship of the +proprietress of the restaurant to him, it could only redound to M. +Thiers' credit. This opens up interesting possibilities. If +relationship to a prominent politician may be utilised for business +purposes, we may yet see in English watering-places the facades of +houses blazoned with huge inscriptions: "This Private Hotel is kept by +a fourth cousin of Lord Rose—," whilst facing it, gold lettering +proudly proclaims that "The Proprietress of this Establishment is a +distant relative of Mr. Ar—Bal—"; or, to impart variety, at the next +turning the public might perhaps be informed in gleaming capitals that +"The Cashier in this Hotel is connected by marriage with Mr. As—-." +The idea really offers an unlimited field for private enterprise. +</P> + +<P> +The political situation in France was very strained at the beginning of +1874. Marshal MacMahon had succeeded M. Thiers as President of the +Republic, and it was well known that the Marshal, as well as the +Royalist majority in the French Chamber, favoured the restoration of +the Bourbon Monarchy, represented by the Comte de Chambord, as head of +the elder branch. People of the type of M. Ducros, and of the President +of the Nyons Tribunal, viewed the possible return of a Legitimist +Bourbon Monarchy with the gravest apprehension. Given the character of +the Comte de Chambord, they felt it would be a purely reactionary +regime. Traditionally, the elder branch of the Bourbons were incapable +of learning anything, and equally incapable of forgetting anything. +These two shrewd lawyers had both been vigorous opponents of the +Bonapartist regime, but they pinned their faith on the Orleans branch, +inexplicably enough to me, considering the treacherous record of that +family. They never could mention the name of a member of the Orleans +family without adding, "Ah! les braves gens!" the very last epithet in +the world I should have dreamed of applying to them. All the +negotiations with the Comte de Chambord fell through, owing to his +obstinacy (to which I have referred earlier) in refusing to accept the +Tricolor as the national flag. Possibly pig-headed obstinacy; but in +these days of undisguised opportunism, it is rare to find a man who +deliberately refuses a throne on account of his convictions. I do not +think that the Comte de Chambord would have been a success in +present-day British politics. A crisis was averted by extending Marshal +MacMahon's tenure of the Presidency to seven years, the "Septennat," as +it was called. Before two years the Orleanists, who had always a keen +appreciation of the side on which their bread was buttered, "rallied" +to the Republic. I rather fancy that some question connected with the +return of the confiscated Orleans fortunes came into play here. The +adherents of the Comte de Chambord always spoke of him as Henri V. For +some reason (perhaps euphony) they were invariably known as "Henri +Quinquists." In the same way, the French people speak of the Emperor +Charles V. as "Charles Quint," never as "Charles Cinq." +</P> + +<P> +My friends the Nyons lawyers were fond of alluding to themselves as +forming part of the bonne bourgeoisie. It is this bonne bourgeoisie who +form the backbone of France. Frugal, immensely industrious, cultured, +and with a very high standard of honour, they are far removed from the +frivolous, irresponsible types of French people to be seen at smart +watering-places, and they are less dominated by that inordinate love of +money which is an unpleasant element in the national character, and +obscures the good qualities of the hard-working French peasants, making +them grasping and avaricious. +</P> + +<P> +It must be admitted that this class of the French bourgeoisie surveys +the world from rather a Chinese standpoint. The Celestial, as is well +known, considers all real civilisation confined to China. Every one +outside the bounds of the Middle Kingdom is a barbarian. This is rather +the view of the French bourgeois. He is convinced that all true +civilisation is centred in France, and that other countries are only +civilised in proportion as French influence has filtered through to +them. He will hardly admit that other countries can have an art and +literature of their own, especially should neither of them conform to +French standards. This is easily understood, for the average Frenchman +knows no language but his own, has never travelled, and has no +curiosity whatever about countries outside France. When, in addition, +it is remembered how paramount French literary and artistic influence +was during the greater portion of the seventeenth and eighteenth +centuries, and how universal the use of the French language was in +Northern Continental Europe amongst educated people, the point of view +becomes quite intelligible. +</P> + +<P> +In spite of this, I enjoyed my excursions with these delightful French +lawyers quite enormously. The other pupils never accompanied us, for +they found it difficult to keep up a conversation in French. +</P> + +<P> +The average intellectual level is unquestionably far higher in France +than in England, nor is it necessary to give, to a people accustomed +for generations to understand a demi-mot, the elaborate explanations +usually necessary in England when the conversation has got beyond the +mental standards of a child six years old. The French, too, are not +addicted to perpetual wool-gathering. Nor can I conceive of a +Frenchwoman endeavouring to make herself attractive by representing +herself as so hopelessly "vague" that she can never be trusted to +remember anything, or to avoid losing all her personal possessions. +Idiocy, whether genuine or feigned, does not appeal to the French +temperament. The would-be fascinating lady would most certainly be +referred to as "une dinde de premiere classe." +</P> + +<P> +The French are the only thoroughly logical people in the world, and +their excessive development of the logical faculty leads them at times +into pitfalls. "Ils ont lesdefauts de leurs qualites." In this country +we have found out that systems, absolutely indefensible in theory, at +times work admirably well in practice, and give excellent results. No +Frenchman would ever admit that anything unjustifiable in theory could +possibly succeed in practice—"Ce n'est pas logique," he would object, +and there would be the end of it. +</P> + +<P> +The Substitut informed me one day that he was making a "retreat" for +three days at the Monastery of La Trappe d'Aiguebelle, and asked me if +I would care to accompany him. To pass three days in a Trappist +Monastery certainly promised a novel experience, but I pointed out that +I was a Protestant, and that I could hardly expect the monks to welcome +me with open arms. He answered that he would explain matters, and that +the difference of religion would be overlooked. So off we started, and +after an interminable drive reached a huge, gaunt pile of buildings in +very arid surroundings. The "Hospice" where visitors were lodged stood +apart from the Monastery proper, the Chapel lying in between. It was +explained to me that I must observe the rule of absolute silence within +the building, and that I would be expected to be in bed by 8.15 p.m. +and to rise at 5 a.m. like the rest of the guests. It was further +conveyed to me that they hoped that I would see my way to attend Chapel +at 5.30 a.m., afterwards I should be free for the remainder of the day. +Talking and smoking were both permitted in the garden. I was given a +microscopic whitewashed cell, most beautifully clean, containing a very +small bed, one chair, a gas-jet, a prie-Dieu, a real human skull, and +nothing else whatever. We went to dinner in a great arched refectory, +where a monk, perched up in a high pulpit, read us Thomas a Kempis in a +droning monotone. Complete silence was observed. At La Trappe no meat +or butter is ever used, but we were given a most excellent dinner of +vegetable soup, fish, omelets, and artichokes dressed with oil, +accompanied by the monks' admirable home-grown wine. There were quite a +number of visitors making "retreats," and I had hard work keeping the +muscles of my face steady, as they made pantomimic signs to the +lay-brothers who waited on us, for more omelet or more wine. After +dinner the "Frere Hospitalier," a jolly, rotund little lay-brother, who +wore a black stole over his brown habit as a sign that he was allowed +to talk, drew me on one side in the garden. As I was a heretic (he put +it more politely) and had the day to myself, would I do him a favour? +He was hard put to it to find enough fish for all these guests; would I +catch him some trout in the streams in the forest? I asked for nothing +better, but I had no trout-rod with me. He produced a rod, SUCH a +trout-rod! A long bamboo with a piece of string tied to it! To fish for +trout with a worm was contrary to every tradition in which I had been +reared, but adaptability is a great thing, so with two turns of a spade +I got enough worms for the afternoon, and started off. The Foret +d'Aiguebelle is not a forest in our acceptation of the term, but an +endless series of little bare rocky hills, dotted with pines, and +fragrant with tufts of wild lavender, thyme and rosemary. It was +intersected with two rushing, beautifully clear streams. I cannot +conceive where all the water comes from in that arid land. In sun-baked +Nyons, water could be got anywhere by driving a tunnel into the parched +hillsides, when sooner or later an abundant spring would be tapped. +These French trout were either ridiculously unsophisticated, or else +very weary of life: they simply asked to be caught. I got quite a heavy +basket, to the great joy of the "Frere Hospitalier," and I got far more +next day. Though we had to rise at five, we got no breakfast till +eight, and a very curious breakfast it was. Every guest had a yard of +bread, and two saucers placed in front of him; one containing honey, +the other shelled walnuts. We dipped the walnuts in the honey, and ate +them with the bread, and excellent they were. In the place of coffee, +which was forbidden, we had hot milk boiled with borage to flavour it, +quite a pleasant beverage. The washing arrangements being primitive, I +waited until every one was safely occupied in Chapel for an hour and a +half, and then had a swim in the reservoir which supplied the monastery +with water, and can only trust that I did not dirty it much. I was +greatly disappointed with the singing in the severe, unadorned Chapel; +it was plainsong, without any organ or instrument. The effect of so +great a body of voices might have been imposing had not the intonation +(as kindly critics say at times of a debutante) been a little +uncertain. As Trappists never speak, one could understand their losing +their voices, but it seems curious that they should have lost their +ears as well, though possibly it was only the visitors who sang so +terribly out of tune. +</P> + +<P> +I was taken all over the Monastery next day by the "Pere Hospitalier," +who, like his brown-frocked lay-brother, wore a black stole over his +white habit, as a badge of office. With the exception of the fine +cloisters, there were no architectural features whatever about the +squat, massive pile of buildings. The modern chapel, studiously severe +in its details, bore the unmistakable imprint of Viollet-le-Duc's +soulless, mathematically correct Gothic. Personally, I think that +Viollet-le-Duc spoiled every ancient building in France which he +"restored." I was taken into the refectory to see the monks' dinners +already laid out for them. They consisted of nothing but bread and +salad, but with such vast quantities of each! Each monk had a yard-long +loaf of bread, a bottle of wine and an absolute stable-bucket of salad, +liberally dressed with oil and vinegar. The oil supplied the fat +necessary for nutrition, still it was a meagre enough dinner for men +who had been up since 3 a.m. and had done two hours' hard work in the +vegetable gardens. The "Pere Hospitalier" told me that not one scrap of +bread or lettuce would be left at the conclusion of the repast. The +immense austerity of the place impressed me very much. The monks all +slept on plank-beds, but they were not allowed to remain on these hard +resting-places after 3 a.m. Their "Rule" was certainly a very severe +one. I was told that the monks prepared Tincture of Arnica for +medicinal purposes in an adjoining factory, arnica growing wild +everywhere in the Forest, and that the sums realised by the sale of +this drug added materially to their revenues. +</P> + +<P> +Next day both the Substitut and I were to be received by the Abbot. It +struck me as desirable that we should have our interviews separately, +for as the Substitut was making a "retreat," he might wish to say many +private things to the Abbot which he would not like me, a heretic, to +overhear. As soon as he had finished, I was ushered in alone to the +Abbot's parlour. I found the Abbot very dignified and very friendly, +but what possible subject of conversation could a Protestant youth of +seventeen find which would interest the Father Superior of a French +Monastery, presumably indifferent to everything that passed outside its +walls? Suddenly I had an inspiration: the Arian Heresy! We had had four +lessons on this interesting topic at Chittenden's five years earlier +(surely rather an advanced subject for little boys of twelve!), and +some of the details still stuck in my head. A brilliant idea! Soon we +were at it hammer and tongs; discussing Arius, Alexander, and +Athanasius; the Council of Nicaea, Hosius of Cordova, homo-ousion and +homoi-ousion; Eusebius of Nicomedia, and his namesake of Caesarea. +</P> + +<P> +Without intending any disrespect to these two eminent Fathers of the +Church, the two Eusebius' always reminded me irresistibly of the two +Ajaxes of Offenbach's opera-bouffe. La Belle Helene, or, later on, of +the "Two Macs" of the music-hall stage of the "nineties." I blessed Mr. +Chittenden for having so thoughtfully provided me with conversational +small-change suitable for Abbots. The Abbot was, I think, a little +surprised at my theological lore. He asked me where I had acquired it, +and when I told him that it was at school, he presumed that I had been +at a seminary for youths destined for the priesthood, an idea which +would have greatly shocked the ultra-Evangelical Mr. Chittenden. +</P> + +<P> +I was very glad that I had passed those three days at La Trappe, for it +gave one a glimpse into a wholly unsuspected world. The impression of +the tremendous severity with which the lives of the monks were +regulated, remained with me. The excellent monks made the most absurdly +small charges for our board and lodging. Years afterwards I spent a +night in an Orthodox Monastery in Russia, when I regretfully recalled +the scrupulous cleanliness of La Trappe. Never have I shared a couch +with so many uninvited guests, and never have I been so ruthlessly +devoured as in that Russian Monastery. +</P> + +<P> +With June at Nyons, silkworm time arrived. Three old women, celebrated +for their skill in rearing silkworms, came down from the mountains, and +the magnanerie, as lofts devoted to silkworm culture are called, was +filled with huge trays fashioned with reeds. The old women had a very +strenuous fortnight or so, for silkworms demand immense care and +attention. The trays have to be perpetually cleaned out, and all stale +mulberry leaves removed, for the quality and quantity of the silk +depend on the most scrupulous cleanliness. To preserve an even +temperature, charcoal fires were lighted in the magnanerie, until the +little black caterpillars, having transformed themselves into repulsive +flabby white worms, these worms became obsessed with the desire to +increase the world's supply of silk, and to gratify them, twigs were +placed in the trays for them to spin their cocoons on. The cocoons +spun, they were all picked off, and baked in the public ovens of the +town, in order to kill the chrysalis inside. Nothing prettier can be +imagined than the streets of Nyons, with white sheets laid in front of +every house, each sheet heaped high with glittering, shimmering, +gleaming piles of silk-cocoons, varying in shade from palest +straw-colour to deep orange. If pleasant to the eye, they were less +grateful to the nose, for freshly baked cocoons have the most offensive +odour. The silk-buyers from Lyons then made their appearance, and these +shining heaps of gold thread were transformed into a more portable form +of gold, which found its way into the pockets of the inhabitants. +</P> + +<P> +The peculiarly French capacity for taking infinite pains, of which a +good example is this silkworm culture, has its drawbacks, when carried +into administrative work. My friend M. David, the post-master of Nyons, +showed me his official instructions. They formed a volume as big as a +family Bible. It would have taken years to learn all these regulations. +The simplest operations were made enormously complicated. Let any one +compare the time required for registering a letter or a parcel in +England, with the time a similar operation in France will demand. M. +David showed me the lithographed sheet giving the special forms of +numerals, 1, 2, 3, and so on, which French postal officials are +required to make. These differ widely from the forms in general use. +</P> + +<P> +I have my own suspicions that similar sheets are issued to the cashiers +in French restaurants. Personally, I can never read one single item in +the bill, much less the cost, and I can only gaze in hopeless +bewilderment at the long-tailed hieroglyphics, recalling a backward +child's first attempts at "pot-hooks." +</P> + +<P> +The infinite capacity of the French for taking trouble, and their +minute attention to detail, tend towards unnecessary complications of +simple matters. Thus, on English railways we find two main types of +signals sufficient for our wants, whereas on French lines there are +five different main types of signal. On English lines we have two +secondary signals, against eight in France, all differing widely in +shape and appearance. Again, on a French locomotive the driver has far +more combinations at his command for efficient working under varying +conditions, than is the case in England. The trend of the national mind +is towards complicating details rather than simplifying them. +</P> + +<P> +Delightful as was the winter climate of Nyons, that sun-scorched little +cup amongst the hills became a place of positive torment as the summer +advanced. The heat was absolutely unendurable. Day and night, thousands +of cicades (the cigales of the French) kept up their incessant "dzig, +dzig, dzig," a sound very familiar to those who have sojourned in the +tropics. Has Nature given this singular insect the power of dispensing +with sleep? What possible object can it hope to attain by keeping up +this incessant din? If a love-song, surely the most optimistic cicada +must realise that his amorous strains can never reach the ears of his +lady-love, since hundreds of his brethren are all keeping up the same +perpetual purposeless chirping, which must obviously drown any +individual effort. Have the cicadas a double dose of gaiete francaise +in their composition, and is this their manner of expressing it? Are +they, like some young men we know, always yearning to turn night into +day? All these are, and will remain, unsolved problems? +</P> + +<P> +As I found the summer heat of Nyons unbearable, I went back to England +for a holiday, and, on the morning of my departure, climbed some olive +trees and captured fourteen live cicadas, whom I imprisoned in a +perforated cardboard box, and took back to London with me. Twelve of +them survived the journey, and as soon as I had arrived, I carefully +placed the cicadas on the boughs of the trees in our garden in Green +Street, Grosvenor Square. Conceive the surprise of these travelled +insects at finding themselves on the soot-laden branches of a grimy +London tree! The dauntless little creatures at once recommenced their +"dzig, dzig, dzig," in their novel environment, and kept it up +uninterruptedly for twenty-four hours, in spite of the lack of +appreciation of my family, who complained that their night's rest had +been seriously interfered with by the unaccustomed noise. Next evening +the cicadas were silent. Possibly they had been choked with soot, or +had fallen a prey to London cats; but my own theory is that they +succumbed to the after-effects of a rough Channel passage, to which, of +course, they would not have been accustomed. Anyhow, for the first time +in the history of the world, the purlieus of Grosvenor Square rang with +the shrill chirping of cicadas for twenty-four hours on end. +</P> + +<P> +Six months later I regretfully bid farewell to Nyons, and went direct +from there to Germany. After studying the Teutonic tongue for two and a +half years at Harrow I was master of just two words in it, ja and nein, +so unquestionably there were gaps to fill up. +</P> + +<P> +I was excedingly sorry to leave the delightful Ducros family who had +treated me so kindly, and I owe a deep debt of gratitude to comely Mme. +Ducros for the careful way in which she taught me history. In teaching +history she used what I may call the synoptic method, taking periods of +fifty years, and explaining contemporaneous events in France, Italy, +Germany, and England during that period. +</P> + +<P> +With the exception of one friendly visit to the Ducros, I have never +seen pleasant Nyons again. Of late years I have often meditated a +pilgrimage to that sunny little cup in the Dauphine hills, but have +hesitated owing to one of the sad penalties advancing years bring with +them; every single one of my friends, man or woman, must have passed +away long since. I can see Nyons, with its encircling fringe of blue +hills, just as vividly, perhaps, with my inner eyes as I could if it +lay actually before me, and now I can still people it with the noisy, +gesticulating inhabitants whom I knew and liked so much. +</P> + +<P> +I may add that in Southern French style Nyons is pronounced "Nyonsse," +just as Carpentras is termed "Carpentrasse." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap06"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER VI +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Brunswick—Its beauty—High level of culture—The Brunswick +Theatre—Its excellence—Gas vs. electricity—Primitive theatre +toilets—Operatic stars in private life—Some operas unknown in +London—Dramatic incidents in them—Levasseur's parody of +"Robert"—Some curious details about operas—Two fiery old +Pan-Germans—Influence of the teaching profession on modern +Germany—The "French and English Clubs"—A meeting of the "English +Club"—Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign +tongues—Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875—Concerning various +beers—A German sportsman—The silent, quinine-loving youth—The Harz +Mountains—A "Kettle-drive" for hares—Dialects of German—The odious +"Kaffee-Klatsch"—Universal gossip—Hamburg's overpowering +hospitality—Hamburg's attitude towards Britain—The city itself—Trip +to British Heligoland—The island—Some peculiarities—Migrating +birds—Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse—Lady Maxse—The Heligoland +Theatre—Winter in Heligoland. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +BRUNSWICK had been selected for me as a suitable spot in which to learn +German, and to Brunswick I accordingly went. As I was then eighteen +years old, I did not care to go to a regular tutor's, but wished to +live in a German family, where I was convinced I could pick up the +language in far shorter time. I was exceedingly fortunate in this +respect. A well-to-do Managing Director of some jute-spinning mills had +recently built himself a large house. Mr. Spiegelberg found not only +that his new house was unnecessarily big for his family, but he also +discovered that it had cost him a great deal more than he had +anticipated. He was quite willing, therefore, to enter into an +arrangement for our mutual benefit. +</P> + +<P> +Brunswick is one of the most beautiful old towns in Europe, Its narrow, +winding streets are (or, perhaps, were) lined with fifteenth and +sixteenth century timbered houses, each storey projecting some two feet +further over the street than the one immediately below it, and these +wooden house-fronts were one mass of the most beautiful and elaborate +carving. Imagine Staples Inn in Holborn double its present height, and +with every structural detail chiselled with patient care into intricate +patterns of fruit and foliage, and you will get some idea of a +Brunswick street. The town contained four or five splendid old +churches, and their mediaeval builders had taken advantage of the +dead-flat, featureless plain in which Brunswick stands, to erect such +lofty towers as only the architects in the Low Countries ever devised; +towers which served as landmarks for miles around, their soaring height +silhouetted against the pale northern sky. The irregular streets and +open places contained one or two gems of Renaissance architecture, such +as the stone-built Town Hall and "Guild House," both very similar in +character to buildings of the same date in sleepy old Flemish towns. +The many gushing fountains of mediaeval bronze and iron-work in the +streets added to the extraordinary picturesqueness of the place. It was +like a scene from an opera in real life. It always puzzled me to think +how the water for these fountains can have been provided on that +dead-flat plain in pre-steam days. There must have been pumps of some +sort. Before 1914, tens of thousands of tourists visited Nuremberg +annually, but the guide-books are almost silent about Brunswick, which +is fully as picturesque. +</P> + +<P> +The standard of material comfort appeared far higher in Brunswick than +in a French provincial town. The manner in which the Spiegelbergs' +house was fitted up seemed very elaborate after the simple appointments +of the Ducros' farm-house, though nothing in the world would have +induced me to own one single object that this Teutonic residence +contained. The Spiegelbergs treated me extremely kindly, and I was +fortunate in being quartered on such agreeable people. +</P> + +<P> +At Nyons there was not one single bookseller, but Brunswick bristled +with book-shops, and, in addition, there were two of those most +excellent lending libraries to be found in every German town. Here +almost every book ever published in German or English was to be found, +as well as a few very cautiously selected French ones, for German +parents were careful then as to what their daughters read. +</P> + +<P> +The great resource of Brunswick was the theatre, such a theatre as does +not exist in any French provincial town, and such a theatre as has +never even been dreamed of in any British town. It was fully as large +as Drury Lane, and was subsidised by the State. I really believe that +every opera ever written was given here, and given quite admirably. In +this town of 60,000 inhabitants, in addition to the opera company, +there was a fine dramatic company, as well as a light opera company, +and a corps de ballet. Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday were devoted to +grand opera, Monday to classical drama (Schiller or Shakespeare), +Wednesday to modern comedy, Friday to light opera or farce. The bill +was constantly changing, and every new piece produced in Berlin or +Vienna was duly presented to the Brunswick public. There are certainly +some things we can learn from Germany! The mounting of the operas was +most excellent, and I have never seen better lighting effects than on +the Brunswick stage, and this, too, was all done by gas, incandescent +electric light not then being dreamed of even. I had imagined in my +simplicity that effects were far easier to produce on the modern stage +since the introduction of electric light. Sir Johnston +Forbes-Robertson, than whom there can be no greater authority, tells me +that this is not so. To my surprise, he declares that electric light is +too crude and white, and that it destroys all illusion. He informs me +that it is impossible to obtain a convincing moonlight effect with +electricity, or to give a sense of atmosphere. Gas-light was yellow, +and colour-effects were obtained by dropping thin screens of coloured +silk over the gas-battens in the flies. This diffused the light, which +a crude blue or red electric bulb does not do. Sir Johnston +Forbes-Robertson astonished me by telling me that Henry Irving always +refused to have electric light on the stage at the Lyceum, though he +had it in the auditorium. All those marvellous and complicated effects, +which old playgoers must well recollect in Irving's Lyceum productions, +were obtained with gas. I remember the lovely sunset, with its +after-glow fading slowly into night, in the garden scene of the Lyceum +version of Faust, and this was all done with gas. The factor of safety +is another matter. With rows of flaming gas-battens in the flies, +however carefully screened off, and another row of "gas lengths" in the +wings, and flaring "ground-rows" in close proximity to highly +inflammable painted canvas, the inevitable destiny of a gas-lit theatre +is only a question of time. The London theatres of the "sixties" all +had a smell of mingled gas and orange-peel, which I thought delicious. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Spiegelberg most sensibly suggested that as I was absolutely +ignorant of German, the easiest manner in which I could accustom my +ears to the sound of the language would be to take an abonnement at the +theatre, and to go there nightly. So for the modest sum of thirty +shillings per month, I found myself entitled to a stall in the second +row, with the right of seeing thirty performances a month. I went every +night to the theatre, and there was no monotony about it, for the same +performance was never repeated twice in one month. I have seen, I +think, every opera ever written, and every single one of Shakespeare's +tragedies. A curious trait in the German character is petty +vindictiveness. A certain Herr Behrens had signed a contract as +principal bass with the Brunswick management. Getting a far more +lucrative offer from Vienna, the prudent Behrens had paid a fine, and +thrown over the Brunswick theatre. For eighteen months the unfortunate +man was pilloried every night on the theatre programmes. Every +play-bill had printed on it in large letters, "Kontrakt-bruchig Herr +Behrens," never allowing the audience to forget that poor Behrens was a +convicted "contract-breaker." +</P> + +<P> +Half Brunswick went to the theatre every night of its life. The ladies +made no pretence of elaborate toilets, but contented themselves with +putting two tacks into the necks of their day gowns so as to make a +V-shaped opening. (With present fashions this would not be necessary.) +Over this they placed one of those appalling little arrangements of +imitation lace and blue or pink bows, to be seen in the shop windows of +every German town, and known, I think, as Theater-Garnitures. They then +drew on a pair of dark plum-coloured gloves, and their toilet was +complete. The contrast between the handsome white-and-gold theatre and +the rows of portly, dowdy matrons, each one with her ample bosom +swathed in a piece of antimacassar, was very comical. Every abonne had +his own peg for hanging his coat and hat on, and this, and the fact +that one's neighbours in the stalls were invariably the same, gave +quite a family atmosphere to the Brunswick theatre. +</P> + +<P> +The conductor was Franz Abt the composer, and the musical standard of +the operatic performances was very high indeed. The mounting was always +excellent, but going to the theatre night after night, some of the +scenery became very familiar. There was a certain Gothic hall which +seemed to share the mobile facilities of Aladdin's palace. This hall +was ubiquitous, whether the action of the piece lay in Germany, Italy, +France, or England, Mary Queen of Scots sobbed in this hall; +Wallenstein in Schiller's tragedy ranted in it; Rigoletto reproved his +flighty daughter in it. It seemed curious that personages so widely +different should all have selected the same firm of upholsterers to fit +up their sanctums. +</P> + +<P> +The Spiegelbergs had many friends in the theatrical world, and I was +immensely thrilled one evening at learning that after the performance +of Lohengrin, Elsa and the Knight of the Swan were coming home to +supper with us. When Elsa appeared on the balcony in the second act, +and the moon most obligingly immediately appeared to light up her +ethereal white draperies, I was much excited at reflecting that in two +hours' time I might be handing this lovely maiden the mustard, and it +seemed hardly credible that the resplendent Lohengrin would so soon +abandon his swan in favour of the homely goose that was awaiting him at +the Spiegelbergs', although the latter would enjoy the advantage of +being roasted. +</P> + +<P> +I was on the tip-toe of expectation until the singers arrived. Fraulein +Scheuerlein, the soprano, was fat, fair, and forty, all of them perhaps +on the liberal side. As she burst into the room, the first words I +heard from the romantic Elsa, whom I had last seen sobbing over her +matrimonial difficulties, were: "Dear Frau Spiegelberg, my..." (Elsa +here used a blunt dissyllable to indicate her receptacle for food) "is +hanging positively crooked with hunger. Quick! For the love of Heaven, +some bread and butter and sausage, or I shall faint;" so the first +words the heroine of the evening addressed to me were somewhat blurred +owing to her mouth being full of sausage, which destroyed most of the +glamour of the situation. Hedwig Scheuerlein was a big, jolly, cheery +South-German, and she was a consummate artist in spite of her large +appetite, as was the tenor Schrotter too. Schrotter was a fair-bearded +giant, who was certainly well equipped physically for playing "heroic" +parts. He had one of those penetrating virile German tenor voices that +appeal to me. These good-natured artists would sing us anything we +wanted, but it was from them that I first got an inkling of those petty +jealousies that are such a disagreeable feature of the theatrical world +in every country. Buxom Scheuerlein was a very good sort, and I used to +feel immensely elated at receiving in my stall a friendly nod over the +footlights from Isolde, Aida, Marguerite, or Lucia, as the case might +be. +</P> + +<P> +I wonder why none of Meyerbeer's operas are ever given in London. The +"books," being by Scribe, are all very dramatic, and lend themselves to +great spectacular display; Meyerbeer's music is always melodious, and +has a certain obvious character about it that would appeal to an +average London audience. This is particularly true with regard to the +Prophete. The Coronation scene can be made as gorgeous as a Drury Lane +pantomime, and the finale of the opera is thrilling, though the three +Anabaptists are frankly terrible bores. As given at Brunswick, in the +last scene the Prophet, John of Leyden, is discovered at supper with +some boon companions in rather doubtful female society. In the middle +of his drinking-song the palace is blown up. There is a loud crash; the +stage grows dark; hall, supper-table, and revellers all disappear; and +the curtain comes down slowly on moonlight shining over some ruins, and +the open country beyond. A splendid climax! Again, the third act of +Robert le Diable is magnificently dramatic. Bertram, the Evil One in +person, leads Robert to a deserted convent whose nuns, having broken +the most important of their vows, have all been put to death. The +curtain goes up on the dim cloisters of the convent, the +cloister-garth, visible through the Gothic arches of the arcade, bathed +in bright moonlight beyond. Bertram begins his incantations, recalling +the erring nuns from the dead. Very slowly the tombs in the cloister +open, and dim grey figures, barely visible in the darkness, creep +silently out from the graves. Bertram waves his arms over the +cloister-garth, and there, too, the tombs gape apart, and more shadowy +spectres emerge. Soon the stage is full of these faint grey spectral +forms. Bertram lifts his arms. The wicked nuns throw off their grey +wrappers, and appear glittering in scarlet and gold; the stage blazes +with light, and the ballet, the famous "Pas de Fascination," begins. +When really well done, this scene is tremendously impressive. +</P> + +<P> +I once heard in Paris, Levasseur, the French counterpart of our own +Corney Grain, giving a skit on Robert le Diable, illustrating various +stage conventions. Levasseur, seated at his piano, and keeping up an +incessant ripple of melody, talked something like this, in French, of +course:— +</P> + +<P> +"The stage represents Isabelle's bedroom. As is usual with stage +bedrooms, Isabelle's bower is about the size of an average cathedral. +It is very sparsely furnished, but near the footlights is a large gilt +couch, on which Isabelle is lying fast asleep. Robert enters on tip-toe +very very gently, so as not to disturb his beloved, and sings in a +voice that you could hear two miles off, 'Isa-belle!' dropping a full +octave on the last note. Isabelle half awakes, and murmurs, 'I do +believe I heard something. I feel so nervous!' Robert advances a yard, +and sings again, if anything rather louder, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says: +'Really, my nerves do play me such tricks! I can't help fancying that +there is some one in the room, and I am so terribly afraid of burglars. +Perhaps it is only a mouse.' Robert advances right up to Isabelle's +bed, and shouts for the third time in a voice that makes the chandelier +ring again, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says, 'I don't think that I can have +imagined that. There really is some one in the room. I'm terribly +frightened, and don't quite know what to do,' so she gets out of bed, +and anxiously scans the stalls and boxes over the footlights for signs +of an intruder. Finding no one there but the audience, she then +searches the gallery fruitlessly, and getting a sudden inspiration, she +looks behind her, and, to her immense astonishment, finds her lover +standing within a foot of her." This, as told with Levasseur's +inimitable drollery, was excruciatingly funny. +</P> + +<P> +Robert is an expensive opera to put on, for, owing to hideous +jealousies at the Paris Opera, Meyerbeer was compelled to write two +prima-donna parts which afforded the rival ladies exactly equal +opportunities. In the same way Halevy, the composer of La Juive, had to +re-arrange and transpose his score, for Adolphe Nourrit, the great +Paris tenor, in 1835, when the opera was first produced, was jealous of +the splendid part the bass had been given, the tenor's role being quite +insignificant. So it came about that La Juive is the only opera in +which the grey-bearded old father is played by the principal tenor, +whilst the lover is the light tenor. Mehul's Biblical Joseph and his +Brethren is the one opera in which there are no female characters, +though "Benjamin" is played by the leading soprano. In both the +Prophete and Favorita the contralto plays the principal part, the +soprano having a very subsidiary role. Meyerbeer wrote the part of the +Prophet himself specially for Roger, the great tenor, and that of +"Fides" for Mme. Viardot. By the way, the famous skating scene in the +Prophete was part of the original production in Paris of 1849, and yet +we think roller-skating an invention of yesterday. +</P> + +<P> +I had German lessons from a Professor Hentze. This old man was the +first example of a militant German that I had come across. He was +always talking of Germany's inevitable and splendid destiny. Although a +Hanoverian by birth, he was a passionate admirer of Bismarck and +Bismarck's policy, and was a furious Pan-German in sentiment. "Where +the German tongue is heard, there will be the German Fatherland," he +was fond of quoting in the original. As he declared that both Dutch and +Flemish were but variants of Low German, he included Holland and +Belgium in the Greater Germany of the future, as well as the +German-speaking Cantons of Switzerland, and Upper and Lower Austria. +Mentally, he possibly included a certain island lying between the North +Sea and the Atlantic as well, though, out of regard for my feelings, he +never mentioned it. Hentze taught English and French in half a dozen +boys' and girls' schools in Brunswick, and his brother taught history +in the "Gymnasium." These two mild-mannered be-spectacled old +bachelors, who in their leisure moments took snuff and played with +their poodle, were tremendous fire-eaters. They were both enormously +proud of the exploits of a cousin of theirs who, under the guise of a +harmless commercial traveller in wines, had been engaged in spying and +map-making for five years in Eastern France prior to 1870. It was, they +averred (no doubt truthfully enough), owing to the labours of their +cousin and of countless others like him, that the Franco-Prussian War +of 1870-71 had been such an overwhelming success for Germany. Where +German interests were concerned, these two old brothers could see +nothing under a white light. And remember that they were teachers and +trainers of youth; it was they who had the moulding of the minds of the +young generation. I think that any one who knows Germany well will +agree with me that it is the influence of the teaching class, whether +in school or university, that has transformed the German mentality so +greatly during the last forty years. These two mild-mannered old +Hentzes must have infected scores and hundreds of lads with their own +aggressively militant views. By perpetually holding up to them their +own dream of a Germany covering half Europe, they must have transmitted +some of their own enthusiasm to their pupils, and underlying that +enthusiasm was a tacit assumption that the end justified any means; +that provided the goal were attained, the manner in which it had been +arrived at was a matter of quite secondary importance. I maintain that +the damnable spirit of modern Germany is mainly due to the teaching +profession, and to the doctrines it consistently instilled into German +youth. +</P> + +<P> +The Hentzes took in eight resident German pupils who attended the +various schools in the town, mostly sons of wealthy Hamburg +business-people. Hentze was always urging me to associate more with +these lads, three of whom were of my own age, but I could discover no +common ground whatever on which to meet them. The things that +interested me did not appeal to them, and vice versa. They seemed to me +dull youths, heavy alike in mind and body. From lack of sufficient +fresh air and exercise they had all dull eyes, and flabby, white faces +that quivered like blancmanges when they walked. In addition, they +obstinately refused to talk German with me, looking on me as affording +an excellent opportunity for obtaining a gratuitous lesson in English. +One of Hentze's pupils was a great contrast, physically, to the rest, +for he was very spare and thin, and seldom opened his mouth. I was to +see a great deal of this silent, slim lad later on. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Spiegelberg was a prominent member of the so-called English and +French Club in Brunswick. This was not in the least what its name would +seem to indicate; the members of the Club were not bursting with +overwhelming love for our language and institutions, nor were they +consumed with enthusiastic admiration for French art and literature. +They were merely some fifteen very practical Brunswick commercial men, +who, realising that a good working knowledge of English and French +would prove extremely useful to them in their business relations, met +at each other's houses in rotation on one night a week during the +winter months, when the host of the evening provided copious supplies +of wine, beer and cigars. For one hour and a half the members of the +Club had to talk English or French as the case might be, under a +penalty of a fine of one thaler (three shillings) for every lapse into +their native German. Mr. Spiegelberg informed me that I had been +elected an honorary member of the English and French Club, which +flattered my vanity enormously at the time. In the light of more mature +experience I quite understand that the presence of a youth to whom +knotty points in both languages could be submitted would be a +considerable asset to the Club, but I then attributed my election +solely to my engaging personality. These Club evenings amused me +enormously, though incidentally they resulted in my acquiring a +precocious love of strong, rank Hamburg cigars. Let us imagine fifteen +portly, be-spectacled, middle-aged or elderly men seated around a table +groaning under a collection of bottles of all shapes and sizes, +addressing each other in laboured inverted English. The German love of +titles is a matter of common knowledge. All these business men had +honorific appellations which they translated into English and +introduced scrupulously into every sentence. The conversation was +something like this: +</P> + +<P> +"But, Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways, I do not think that you +understand rightly what Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg says. Mr. +Factory Director also spins jute. To make concurrenz with Dundee in +Schottland, he must produce cheaply. To produce cheaply he must +become...no, obtain new machinery from Leeds in England. If that +machinery is duty-payable, Mr. Factory Director cannot produce so +cheaply. That seems to me clear. Once our German industries established +are, then we will see. That is another matter." +</P> + +<P> +"I take the liberty to differ, Mr. Councillor of Commerce. How then +shall our German industries flourish, if they not protected be? What +for a doctrine is that? Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg thinks only of +jute. Outside jute, the German world of commerce is greater, and with +in-the-near-future-to-be-given railways facilities, vast and imposing +shortly shall be." +</P> + +<P> +"What Mr. Councillor of Commerce just has said, is true. You, Mr. +Over-Inspector of Railways, and also you, Mr. Ducal Supervisor of +Forests, are not merchants like us, but much-skilled specialists; so is +the point of view different, Mr. Town Councillor Balhorn, you have +given us most brilliant beer to-night. This is no beer of here, it must +be real Munich. It tastes famous. Prosit!" +</P> + +<P> +"I thank you, Mr. Court Councillor. In the place, gentlemen, of +with-anger-discussing Free Trade, let us all drink some Munich beer. +Discussion is good, but beer with content is better." +</P> + +<P> +Now I put it to you—could any one picture fifteen English business men +in Manchester, Liverpool, or Leeds doing anything so sensible as to +meet once a week amongst themselves, to acquire proficiency and fluency +in French, Spanish, or German, all of which languages they must +presumably require at times for the purposes of their business. Every +one knows that it is unthinkable. No Englishman could be bothered to +take the trouble. Why is it that English people have this extraordinary +reluctance to learn any foreign language? It is certainly not from want +of natural ability to do so, though this natural aptitude may be +discounted by the difficulty most English people experience in keeping +their minds concentrated. I venture to assert unhesitatingly that, with +the exception of Dutch and Russian people, English folk learn foreign +languages with greater ease than any other nationality. This is notably +true with regard to Russian and Spanish. The English throat is more +flexible than that of the Frenchman or German, and, with the one +exception of French, there are no unwonted sounds in any European +language that an Englishman cannot reproduce fairly accurately. We have +something like the hard Russian "l" in the last syllable of +"impossible," and to the Scottish or Irish throat the Dutch hard +initial guttural, and the Spanish soft guttural offer but little +difficulty. "Jorje," which looks like "George" spelt phonetically, but +is pronounced so very differently, can easily be mastered, and that +real teaser "gracht," the Dutch for "canal," with a strong guttural at +either end of it, comes easily out of a Scottish throat. The power to +acquire these tongues is there, but the inclination is woefully lacking. +</P> + +<P> +Some ten years ago I went out to Panama to have a look at the canal +works. On board the mail-steamer there were twelve commercial +travellers representing British firms, bound for the West Coast of +South America. Ten of these twelve were Germans, all speaking English +and Spanish fluently in addition to their native German. The other two +were English, not knowing one word of any language but their own. I had +a long talk with these two Englishmen, and asked them whether they were +familiar with the varying monetary standards of the countries they were +going to visit; for the nominal dollar represents a widely different +value in each South American State. No, they knew nothing whatever +about this, and were quite ignorant of Spanish-American weights and +measures. Now what possible object did the firms sending out these +ill-equipped representatives hope to attain? Could they in their +wildest moments have supposed that they would get one single order +through their agency? And how came it about that these young men were +so ignorant of the language and customs of the countries they were +proposing to travel? During the voyage I noticed the German travellers +constantly conversing with South Americans from the Pacific Coast, in +an endeavour to improve their working knowledge of Spanish; meanwhile +the young Englishmen played deck-quoits and talked English. That in +itself is quite sufficiently characteristic. In Manchester there is a +firm who do a large business in manufacturing brightly coloured +horse-trappings for the South American market. I speak with some +confidence about this, for I have myself watched those trappings being +made. Most of the "ponchos" used in the Argentine are woven in Glasgow. +Why is it that in these two great industrial centres no one seems to +have thought of establishing a special class in any of the numerous +schools and colleges for training youths as commercial travellers in +foreign countries? They would have, in addition to learning two or +three languages, to get used to making quick calculations in dollars +and cents, and in dollars of very varying values; they would also have +to learn to THINK quickly in weights and measures different to those to +which they had been accustomed. Why should British firms be compelled +to use German travellers, owing to the ineptitude of their own +countrymen? The power to learn is there; it is only the will that is +lacking, and in justice I must add, perhaps the necessary facilities. +People who do not mind taking trouble will always in the end get a pull +over people who hate all trouble. I think that our present King once +cried, "Buck up, England!" and his Majesty spoke true; very few things +can be done in this world without taking a little trouble. +</P> + +<P> +To return, after this long digression, to the portly German middle-aged +business men who met weekly in Brunswick to improve their working +knowledge of French and English, I must candidly say that I never +detected the faintest shadow of animosity to Great Britain in them. +They were not Prussians—they were Hanoverians and Brunswickers. They +felt proud, I think, that the throne of Britain was then occupied by a +branch of their own ancient House of Guelph; they remembered the +hundred years' connection between Britain and Hanover; as business men +they acknowledged Britain's then unquestioned industrial supremacy, and +they recognised that men of their class enjoyed in England a position +and a power which was not accorded to them in Germany. Certainly they +never lost an opportunity of pointing out that Britain was neither a +military nor a fighting nation, and would never venture again to +conduct a campaign on the Continent. Recent events will show how +correct they were in their forecasts. +</P> + +<P> +I liked the society of these shrewd, practical men, for from being so +much with the French judges, I had become accustomed to associating +with men double or treble my own age. There was nothing corresponding +to the gaiete francaise about them, though at times a ponderous +playfulness marked their lighter moments, and flashes of elephantine +jocularity enlivened the proceedings of the Club. I picked up some +useful items of knowledge from them, for I regret to admit that up to +that time I had no idea what a bill of lading was, or a ship's +manifest; after a while, even such cryptic expressions, too, as f.o.b. +and c.i.f. ceased to have any mysteries for me. Let the inexperienced +beware of "Swedish Punch," a sickly, highly-scented preparation of +arrack. I do not speak from personal experience, for I detest the +sweet, cloying stuff; but it occasionally fell to my lot to guide +down-stairs the uncertain footsteps of some ventripotent +Kommerzien-Rath, or even of Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways himself, +both temporarily incapacitated by injudicious indulgence in Swedish +Punch. "So, Herr Ober-Inspector, endlich sind wir glucklich herunter +gekommen. Jetz konnen Sie nach Hause immer aug gleichem Fusse gehen. +Naturlich! Jedermann weisst wie abscheulich kraftig Schwedischer Punsch +ist. Die Strasse ist ganz leer. Gluckliche Heimkehr, Herr +Ober-Inspector!" +</P> + +<P> +It was difficult to attend the Club without becoming a connoisseur in +various kinds of German beer. Brunswick boasts a special local sweet +black beer, brewed from malted wheat instead of barley, known as +"Mumme"—heavy, unpalatable stuff. If any one will take the trouble to +consult Whitaker's Almanac, and turn to "Customs Tariff of the United +Kingdom," they will find the very first article on the list is "Mum." +"Berlin white beer" follows this. One of the few occasions when I have +ever known Mr. Gladstone nonplussed for an answer, was in a debate on +the Budget (I think in 1886) on a proposed increase of excise duties. +Mr. Gladstone was asked what "Mum" was, and confessed that he had not +the smallest idea. The opportunity for instructing the omniscient Mr. +Gladstone seemed such a unique one, that I nearly jumped up in my place +to tell him that it was a sweet black beer brewed from wheat, and +peculiar to Brunswick; but being a very young Member of the House then, +I refrained, as it looked too much like self-advertisement; besides, +"Mum" was so obviously the word. "White beer" is only made in Berlin; +it is not unlike our ginger-beer, and is pleasant enough. The orthodox +way of ordering it in Berlin is to ask the waiter for "eine kuhle +Blonde." I do not suppose that one drop of either of these beverages +has been imported into the United Kingdom for a hundred years; equally +I imagine that the first two Georges loved them as recalling their +beloved Hanover, and indulged freely in them; whence their place in our +Customs tariff. +</P> + +<P> +One of the members of the English and French Club was a Mr. Vieweg, at +that time, I believe, the largest manufacturer of sulphate of quinine +in Europe. Mr. Vieweg was that rara avis amongst middle-class German +business-men, a born sportsman. He had already made two sporting trips +to Central Africa after big game, and rented a large shooting estate +near Brunswick. In common with the other members of the Club, he +treated me very kindly and hospitably, and I often had quaint repasts +at his house, beginning with sweet chocolate soup, and continuing with +eels stewed in beer, carp with horseradish, "sour-goose," and other +Teutonic delicacies. Mr. Vieweg's son was one of Hentze's pupils, and +was the thin, silent boy I have already noticed. I remember well how +young Vieweg introduced himself to me in laboured English, "Are you a +friend to fishing with the fly?" he asked. "I also fish most gladly, +and if you wish, we will together to the Harz Mountains go, and there +many trout catch." As the Harz Mountains are within an hour of +Brunswick by train, off we went, and young Vieweg was certainly a most +expert fisherman. My respect for him was increased enormously when I +found that he did not mind in the least how wet he got whilst fishing. +Most German boys of his age would have thought standing in cold water +up to their knees a certain forerunner of immediate death. +</P> + +<P> +Vieweg told me, with perfect justice, that he knew every path and every +track in the Northern Harz, and that he had climbed every single hill. +He complained that none of his German friends cared for climbing or +walking, and asked whether I would accompany him on one of his +expeditions. So a week later we went again to the Harz, and Vieweg led +me an interminable and very rough walk up-hill and down-dale. He +afterwards confessed that he was trying to tire me out, in which he +failed signally, for I have always been, and am still, able to walk +very long distances without fatigue. He had taken four of his +fellow-pupils from Hentze's over the same road, and they had all +collapsed, and had to be driven back to the railway in a hay-cart, in +the last stages of exhaustion. Finding that he could not walk me down, +Vieweg developed an odd sort of liking for me, just as I had admired +him for standing up to his knees in very cold water for a couple of +hours on end whilst fishing. So a queer sort of friendship sprang up +between me and this taciturn youth. The only subject which moved Vieweg +to eloquence was quinine, out of which his father had made his fortune. +I confess that at that time I knew no more about that admirable +prophylactic than the Queen of Sheba knew about dry-fly fishing, and +had not the faintest idea of how quinine was made. Vieweg, warming to +his subject, explained to me that the cinchona bark was treated with +lime and alcohol, and informed me that his father now obtained the bark +from Java instead of from South America as formerly. He did his utmost +to endeavour to kindle a little enthusiasm in me on the subject of this +valuable febrifuge. When not talking of quinine, he kept silence. This +singular youth was obsessed with a passionate devotion to the lucrative +drug. +</P> + +<P> +The Harz Mountains are pretty without being grand. The far-famed +Brocken is not 4000 ft. high, but rising as these hills do out of the +dead-flat North German plain, the Harz have been glorified and +magnified by a people accustomed to monotonous levels, and are the +setting for innumerable German legends. The Brocken is, of course, the +traditional scene of the "Witches Sabbath" on Walpurgis-Nacht, and many +of the rock-strewn valleys seem to have pleasant traditions of +bloodthirsty ogres and gnomes associated with them. There is no real +climbing in the Harz, easy tracks lead to all the local lions. As is +customary in methodical Germany, signposts direct the pedestrian to +every view and every waterfall, and I need hardly add that if one post +indicates the Aussichtspunkt, a corresponding one will show the way to +the restaurant without which no view in Germany would be complete. +Through rocky defiles and pine-woods, over swelling hills and past +waterfalls, Vieweg and I trudged once a week in sociable silence, +broken only by a few scraps of information from my companion as to the +prospects of that year's crop of cinchona bark, and the varying +wholesale price of that interesting commodity. At times, before a fine +view, Vieweg would make quite a long speech for him: "Du Fritz! Schon +was?" using, of course, the German diminutive to my Christian name, +after which he would gaze on the prospect and relapse into silence, and +dreamy meditations on sulphate of quinine and its possibilities. +</P> + +<P> +I think Vieweg enjoyed these excursions, for on returning to Brunswick +after about four hours' un-broken silence, he would always say on +parting, "Du Fritz! War nicht so ubel;" or, "Fritz, it wasn't so bad," +very high praise from so sparing a talker. +</P> + +<P> +Mr. Vieweg senior invited me to shoot with him on several occasions +during the winter months. The "Kettle-drive" (Kessel-Treib) is the +local manner of shooting hares. Guns and beaters form themselves into +an immense circle, a mile in diameter, over the treeless, hedgeless +flats, and all advance slowly towards the centre of the circle. At +first, it is perfectly safe to fire into the circle, but as it +diminishes in size, a horn is sounded, the guns face round, back to +back, and as the beaters advance alone, hares are only killed as they +run out of the ring. Hares are very plentiful in North Germany, and +"Kettle-drives" usually resulted in a bag of from thirty to forty of +them. To my surprise, in the patches of oak-scrub on the moor-lands, +there were usually some woodcock, a bird which I had hitherto +associated only with Ireland. Young Vieweg was an excellent shot; in +common with all his father's other guests, he was arrayed in high +boots, and in one of those grey-green suits faced with dark green, dear +to the heart of the German sportsman. The guns all looked like the +chorus in the Freischutz, and I expected them to break at any moment +into the "Huntsmen's Chorus." Young Vieweg was greatly pained at my +unorthodox costume, for I wore ordinary homespun knickerbockers, and +sported neither a green Tyrolese hat with a blackcock's tail in it, nor +high boots; my gun had no green sling attached to it, nor did I carry a +game-bag covered with green tassels, all of which, it appeared, were +absolutely essential concomitants to a Jagd-Partie. +</P> + +<P> +In these country districts round Brunswick nothing but Low German +("Platt-Deutsch") was talked. Low German is curiously like English at +times. The sentence, "the water is deep," is identical in both tongues. +"Mudder," "brudder," and "sister" have all a familiar ring about them, +too. The word "watershed," as applied to the ridge separating two river +systems, had always puzzled me. In High German it is "Wasser-scheide," +i.e. water-parting; in Low German it is "Water-shed," with the same +meaning, thus making our own term perfectly clear. "Low" German, of +course, only means the dialect spoken in the low-lying North German +plains: "High" German, the language spoken in the hilly country south +of the Harz Mountains. High German only became the literary language of +the country owing to Luther having deliberately chosen that dialect for +the translation of the Bible. The Nibelungen-Lied and the poems of the +twelfth and thirteenth centuries were all in Middle-High German +(Mittel-Hoch Deutsch). +</P> + +<P> +I remember being told as a boy, when standing on the terrace of Windsor +Castle, that in a straight line due east of us there was no such +corresponding an elevation until the Ural Mountains were reached, on +the boundary between Europe and Asia. This will give some idea of the +extreme flatness of Northern Europe, for the terrace at Windsor can +hardly be called a commanding eminence. +</P> + +<P> +I am sorry to say that for over forty years I have quite lost sight of +Vieweg. My connection with quinine, too, has been usually quite +involuntary. I have had two very serious bouts of malarial fever, one +in South America, the other in the West Indies, and on both occasions I +owed my life to quinine. Whilst taking this bitter, if beneficent drug, +I sometimes wondered whether it had been prepared under the auspices of +the friend of my youth. So ignorant am I of the quinine world, that I +do not know whether the firm of Buchler & Vieweg still exists. One +thing I do know: Vieweg must be now sixty-three years old, should he be +still alive, and I am convinced that he remains an upright and +honourable gentleman. I would also venture a surmise that business +competitors find it very hard to overreach him, and that he has escaped +the garrulous tendencies of old age. +</P> + +<P> +One of the curses of German towns is the prevalence of malicious and +venomous gossip. This is almost entirely due to that pestilent +institution the "Coffee Circle," or Kaffee Klatsch, that standing +feature of German provincial life. Amongst the bourgeoisie, the ladies +form associations, and meet once a week in turn at each others' houses. +They bring their work with them, and sit for two hours, eating sweet +cakes, drinking coffee, and tearing every reputation in the towns to +tatters. All males are jealously excluded from these gatherings. Mrs. +Spiegelberg was a pretty, fluffy little English woman, without one +ounce of malice in her composition. She had lived long enough in +Germany, though, to know that she would not be welcomed at her "Coffee +Circle" unless she brought her budget of pungent gossip with her, so +she collected it in the usual way. The instant the cook returned from +market, Mrs. Spiegelberg would rush into the kitchen with a breathless, +"Na, Minna, was gibt's neues?" or "Now, Minna, what is the news?" +Minna, the cook, knowing what was expected of her, proceeded to unfold +her items of carefully gathered gossip: Lieutenant von Trinksekt had +lost three hundred marks at cards, and had been unable to pay; it was +rumored that Fraulein Unsittlich's six weeks' retirement from the world +was not due to an attack of scarlet fever, as was alleged, but to a +more interesting cause, and so on, and so on. The same thing was +happening, simultaneously, in every kitchen in Brunswick, and at the +next "Coffee Circle" all these rumours would be put into circulation +and magnified, and the worst possible interpretation would be given +them. All German women love spying, as is testified by those little +external mirrors fixed outside almost every German window, by which the +mistress of the house can herself remain unseen, whilst noting every +one who passes down the street, or goes into the houses on either side. +I speak with some bitterness of the poisonous tongues of these women, +for I cannot forget how a harmless episode, when I happened to meet a +charming friend of mine, and volunteered to carry her parcels home, was +distorted and perverted. +</P> + +<P> +One of Hentze's pupils, a heavy, bovine youth, invited me to Hamburg to +his parents' silver wedding festivities. I was anxious to see Hamburg, +so I accepted. Moser's parents inhabited an opulent and unimaginably +hideous villa on the outskirts of Hamburg. They treated me most +hospitably and kindly, but never had I pictured such vast eatings and +drinkings as took place in their house. Moser's other relations were +equally hospitable, until I became stupid and comatose from excessive +nourishment. I could not discover the faintest trace of hostility to +England amongst these wealthy Hamburg merchants. They had nearly all +traditional business connections with England, and most of them had +commenced their commercial careers in London. They resented, on the +other hand, the manner in which they were looked down on by the +Prussian Junkers, who, on the ground of their having no "von" before +their names, tried to exclude them from every branch of the public +service. The whole of Germany had not yet become Prussianised. +</P> + +<P> +These Hamburg men were intensely proud of their city. They boasted, and +I believe with perfect reason, that the dock and harbour facilities of +Hamburg far exceeded anything to be found in the United Kingdom. I was +taken all over the docks, and treated indeed with such lavish +hospitality that every seam of my garments strained under the unwonted +pressure of these enormous repasts. Hamburg being a Free Port, +travellers leaving for any other part of Germany had to undergo a +regular Customs examination at the railway station, as though it were a +frontier post. Hamburg impressed me as a vastly prosperous, handsome, +well-kept town. The attractive feature of the place is the "Alster +Bassin," the clear, fresh-water lake running into the very heart of the +town. All the best houses and hotels were built on the stone quays of +the Alster facing the lake. Geneva, Stockholm, and Copenhagen are the +only other European towns I know of with clear lakes running into the +middle of the city. The Moser family's silver wedding festivities did +not err on the side of niggardliness. The guests all assembled in full +evening dress at three in the afternoon, when there was a conjuring and +magic-lantern performance for the children. This was followed by an +excellent concert, which in its turn was succeeded by a vast and +Gargantuan dinner. Then came an elaborate display of fireworks, after +which dancing continued till 4 a.m., only interrupted by a second +colossal meal, thus affording, as young Moser proudly pointed out, +thirteen hours' uninterrupted amusement. +</P> + +<P> +As I felt certain that I should promptly succumb to apoplexy, had I to +devour any more food, I left next day for Heligoland, then, of course, +still a British Colony, an island I had always had the greatest +curiosity to see. A longer stay in Hamburg might have broadened my +mind, but it would also unquestionably have broadened my waist-belt as +well. +</P> + +<P> +The steamer accomplished the journey from Hamburg in seven hours, the +last three over the angry waters of the open North Sea. To my surprise +the steamer, though island-owned, did not fly the British red ensign, +but the Heligoland flag of horizontal bars of white, green, and red. +There is a local quatrain explaining these colours, which may be +roughly Englished as— +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "White is the strand,<BR> + But green the land,<BR> + Red the rocks stand<BR> + Round Heligoland."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +Heligoland is the quaintest little spot imaginable, shaped like an +isosceles triangle with the apex pointing northwards. The area of the +whole island is only three-fourths of a square mile; it is barely a +mile long, and at its widest only 500 yards broad. It is divided into +Underland and Overland; the former a patch of shore on the sheltered +side of the island, covered with the neatest little toy streets and +houses. In its neatness and smallness it is rather like a Japanese +town, and has its little theatre and its little Kurhaus complete. There +are actually a few trees in the Underland. Above it, the red ramparts +of rock rise like a wall to the Overland, only to be reached by an +endless flight of steps. On the green tableland of the Overland, the +houses nestle and huddle together for shelter on the leeward side of +the island, the prevailing winds being westerly. The whole population +let lodgings, simply appointed, but beautifully neat and clean, as one +would expect amongst a seafaring population. There are a few patches of +cabbages and potatoes trying to grow in spite of the gales, and all the +rest is green turf. There is not one tree on the wind-swept Overland. I +heard nothing but German and Frisian talked around me, and the only +signs of British occupation were the Union Jack flying in front of +Government House (surely the most modest edifice ever dignified with +that title), and a notice-board in front of the powder-magazine on the +northern point of the island. This notice-board was inscribed, "V.R. +Trespassers will be prosecuted," which at once gave a homelike feeling, +and made one realise that it was British soil on which one was standing. +</P> + +<P> +The island had only been ceded to us in 1814, and we handed it over to +Germany in 1890, so our tenure was too brief for us to have struck root +deeply into the soil. Heligoland was a splendid recruiting ground for +the Royal Navy, for the islanders were a hardy race of seafarers, and +made ideal material for bluejackets. There was not a horse or cow on +the island, ewes supplying all the milk. As sheep's milk has an +unappetising green tinge about it, it took a day or two to get used to +this unfamiliar-looking fluid. There being no fresh water on +Heligoland, the rain water from the roofs was all caught and stored in +tanks. On that rainswept rock I cannot conceive it likely that the +water supply would ever fail. Some-how the idea was prevalent in +England that Heligoland was undermined by rabbits. There was not one +single rabbit on the island, for even rabbits find it hard to burrow +into solid rock. +</P> + +<P> +Professor Gatke's books on the migrations of birds are well known. +Heligoland lies in the track of migrating birds, and Dr. Gatke had +established himself there for some years to observe them, and there was +a really wonderful ornithological museum close to the lighthouse. The +Heligoland lighthouse is a very powerful one, and every single one of +these stuffed birds had committed suicide against the thick glass of +the lantern. The lighthouse keepers told me that during the migratory +periods, they sometimes found as many as a hundred dead birds on the +external gallery of the light in the morning, all of whom had killed +themselves against the light. +</P> + +<P> +From 1830 to 1871 there were public gaming-tables in Heligoland, and +the Concessionaire paid such a high price for his permit that the +colonial finances were in the most flourishing condition. In 1871, +Downing Street stopped this, with disastrous effect on the island +budget. Fortunately, Germans took to coming over in vast numbers for +the excellent sea-bathing, and so money began to flow in again. The +place attracted them with its glorious sea air; it had all the +advantages of a ship, without the ship's motion. +</P> + +<P> +I paid a second visit to Heligoland three years later, when I was +Attache at our Berlin Embassy. Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse, the uncle of Mr. +Leo Maxse of the National Review, was Governor then. Sir Fitzhardinge +had done his utmost to anglicise the island, and the "Konigstrasse" and +"Oststrasse" had now become "King Street" and "East Street." He had +induced, too, some of the shop-keepers to write the signs over their +shops in English, at times with somewhat eccentric spelling; for one +individual proclaimed himself a "Familie Grozer." How astonished the +Governor and I would have been to know that in twenty years' time his +much-loved island would be transformed into one solid concreted German +fortress! Sir Fitzhardinge had a great love for the theatre. He was, I +believe, the only person who had ever tried to write plays in two +languages. His German plays had been very successful, and two one-act +plays he wrote in English had been produced on the London stage. He +always managed to engage a good German company to play in the little +Heligoland theatre during the summer months, and having married the +leading tragic actress of the Austrian stage, both he and Lady Maxse +occasionally appeared on the boards themselves, playing, of course, in +German. It looked curious seeing a bill of the "Theatre Royal on +Heligoland," announcing Shakespeare's tragedy of Macbeth, with "His +Excellency the Governor as Macbeth, and Lady Maxse as Lady Macbeth." +</P> + +<P> +There is a fine old Lutheran Church on Heligoland. It is the only +Protestant church in which I have ever seen ex votos. When the island +fishermen had weathered an unusually severe gale, it was their custom +to make a model of their craft, and to present it as a thank-offering +to the church. There were dozens of these models, all beautifully +finished, suspended from the roof of the church by wires, and the +fronts of the galleries were all hung with fishing nets. The singing in +that church was remarkably good. +</P> + +<P> +It was a pleasant, unsophisticated little island; a place of fresh +breezes, and red cliffs with great sweeping surges breaking against +them; a place of sunshine, and huge expanses of pale dappled sky. +</P> + +<P> +Lady Maxse told me that it was impossible for any one to picture the +unutterable dreariness of Heligoland in winter; when little Government +House rocked ceaselessly under the fierce gales, and the whole island +was drenched in clouds of spindrift; the rain pounding on the +window-panes like small-shot, and the howling of the wind drowning all +other sounds. She said that they were frequently cut off from the +mainland for three weeks on end, without either letters, newspapers, or +fresh meat, as the steamers were unable to make the passage. There was +nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to speak to. It must have been +a considerable change for any one accustomed to the life of careless, +easy-going, glittering Vienna in the old days. Even Sir Fitzhardinge +confessed that during the winter gales he had frequently to make his +way on all fours from the stairs from the Underland to Government +House, to avoid being blown over the cliffs. Lady Maxse hung an extra +pair of pink muslin curtains over every window in Government House, to +shut out the sight of the wintry sea, but the angry, grey and white +rollers of the restless North Sea asserted themselves even through the +pink muslin. +</P> + +<P> +I am glad that I saw this wind-swept little rock whilst it was still a +scrap of British territory. When my time came for leaving Brunswick, I +was genuinely sorry to go. I confess that I liked Germany and the +Germans; I had been extremely well treated, and had got used to German +ways. +</P> + +<P> +The teaching profession were only then sowing broadcast the seed which +was to come to maturity thirty years later. They were moulding the +minds of the rising generation to the ideals which find their most +candid exponent in Nietzsche. The seed was sown, but had not yet +germinated; the greater portion of Germany in 1875 was still +un-Prussianised, but effect followed cause, and we all know the rest. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap07"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER VII +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Some London beauties of the "seventies"—Great ladies—The Victorian +girl—Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre—Two witty ladies—Two clever +girls and mock-Shakespeare—The family who talked Johnsonian +English—Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation—Practical jokes—Lord +Charles Beresford and the old Club-member—The shoe-less +legislator—Travellers' palms—The tree that spouted wine—Celyon's +spicy breezes—Some reflections—Decline of public interest in +Parliament—Parliamentary giants—Gladstone, John Bright, and +Chamberlain—Gladstone's last speech—His resignation—W.H. Smith—The +Assistant Whips—Sir William Hart-Dyke—Weary hours at Westminster—A +Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +The London of 1876 boasted an extraordinary constellation of lovely +women. First and foremost came the two peerless Moncreiffe sisters, +Georgiana Lady Dudley, and Helen Lady Forbes. Lady Dudley was then a +radiant apparition, and her sister, the most perfect example of +classical beauty I have ever seen, had features as clean-cut as those +of a cameo. Lady Forbes always wore her hair simply parted in the +middle, a thing that not one woman in a thousand can afford to do, and +glorious auburn hair it was, with a natural ripple in it. I have seldom +seen a head so perfectly placed on the shoulders as that of Lady +Forbes. The Dowager Lady Ormonde and the late Lady Ripon were then +still unmarried; the first, Lady Leila Grosvenor, with the face of a +Raphael Madonna, the other, Lady Gladys Herbert, a splendid, slender, +Juno-like young goddess. The rather cruelly named "professional +beauties" had just come into prominence, the three great rivals being +Mrs. Langtry, then fresh from Jersey, Mrs. Cornwallis West, and Mrs. +Wheeler. Unlike most people, I should myself have given the prize to +the second of these ladies. I do not think that any one now could +occupy the commanding position in London which Constance Duchess of +Westminster and the Duchess of Manchester (afterwards Duchess of +Devonshire) then held. In fact, with skirts to the knee, and an +unending expanse of stocking below them, it would be difficult to +assume the dignity with which these great ladies, in their flowing +Victorian draperies, swept into a room. The stately Dutchess of +Westminster, in spite of her massive outline, had still a fine +classical head, and the Duchess of Manchester was one of the handsomest +women in Europe. London society was so much smaller then, that it was a +sort of enlarged family party, and I, having six married sisters, found +myself with unnumbered hosts of relations and connections. I retain +delightful recollections of the mid-Victorian girl. These maidens, in +their airy clouds of white, pink, or green tulle, and their untouched +faces, had a deliciously fresh, flower-like look which is wholly +lacking in their sisters of to-day. A young girl's charm is her +freshness, and if she persists in coating her face with powder and +rouge that freshness vanishes, and one sees merely rows of vapid little +doll-like faces, all absolutely alike, and all equally artificial and +devoid of expression. These present skimpy draperies cause one to +reflect that Nature has not lavished broadcast the gift of good feet +and neat ankles; possibly some girls might lengthen their skirts if +they realised this truth. +</P> + +<P> +In the "seventies" there was a wonderful galaxy of talent at the old +Gaiety Theatre, Nellie Farren, Kate Vaughan, Edward Terry, and Royce +forming a matchless quartette. Young men, of course, will always be +foolish, up to the end of time. Nellie Farren, Kate Vaughan and Emily +Duncan all had their "colours." Nellie Farren's were dark blue, light +blue, and white; Kate Vaughan's were pink and grey; Emily Duncan's +black and white; the leading hosiers "stocked" silk scarves of these +colours, and we foolish young men bought the colours of the lady we +especially admired, and sat in the stalls of the Gaiety flaunting the +scarves of our favourite round our necks. As I then thought, and still +think, that Nellie Farren was one of the daintiest and most graceful +little creatures ever seen on the stage, with a gaminerie all her own, +I, in common with many other youths, sat in the stalls of the Gaiety +wrapped in a blue-and-white scarf. Each lady showered smiles over the +footlights at her avowed admirers, whilst contemptuously ignoring those +who sported her rival's colours. One silly youth, to testify to his +admiration for Emily Duncan, actually had white kid gloves with black +fingers, specially manufactured for him. He was, we hope, repaid for +his outlay by extra smiles from his enchantress. +</P> + +<P> +Traces of the witty early nineteenth century still lingered into the +"seventies," "eighties," and "nineties." Lady Constance Leslie, who is +still living, and the late Lady Cork were almost the last descendants +of the brilliant wits of Sydney Smith and Theodore Hook's days. The +hurry of modern life, and the tendency of the age to scratch the +surface of things only, are not favourable to the development of this +type of keen intellect, which was based on a thorough knowledge of the +English classics, and on such a high level of culture as modern +trouble-hating women could but seldom hope to attain. Time and time +again I have asked Lady Cork for the origin of some quotation. She +invariably gave it me at once, usually quoting some lines of the +context at the same time. When I complimented her on her wonderful +knowledge of English literature of the seventeenth and eighteenth +centuries, she answered, "In my young days we studied the 'Belles +Lettres'; modern women only study 'Belle's Letters,'" an allusion to a +weekly summary of social events then appearing in the World under that +title, a chronicle voraciously devoured by thousands of women. When the +early prejudice against railways was alluded to by some one who +recalled the storms of protest that the conveyance of the Duke of +Sussex's body by train to Windsor for burial provoked, as being +derogatory to the dignity of a Royal Duke, it was Lady Cork who rapped +out, "I presume in those days, a novel apposition of the quick and the +dead." A certain peer was remarkable alike for his extreme parsimony +and his unusual plainness of face. His wife shared these +characteristics, both facial and temperamental, to the full, and yet +this childless, unprepossessing and eminently economical couple were +absolutely wrapped up in one another; after his death she only lingered +on for three months. Some one commenting on this, said, "They were +certainly the stingiest and probably the ugliest couple in England, yet +their devotion to each other was very beautiful. They could neither of +them bear to part with anything, not even with each other. After his +death she was like a watch that had lost its mainspring." "Surely," +flashed Lady Constance Leslie, "more like a vessel which had lost her +auxiliary screw." The main characteristic of both Lady Cork and Lady +Constance Leslie's humour was its lightning speed. It is superfluous to +add, with these quick-witted ladies it was never necessary to EXPLAIN +anything, as it is to the majority of English people; they understood +before you had finished saying it. +</P> + +<P> +Many years after, in the late "eighties," Lady Constance Leslie's two +elder daughters, now Mrs. Crawshay and Lady Hope, developed a singular +gift. They could improvise blank verse indefinitely, and with their +father, Sir John Leslie, they acted little mock Shakespearean dramas in +their ordinary clothes, and without any scenery or accessories. Every +word was impromptu, and yet the even flow of blank verse never ceased. +I always thought it a singularly clever performance, for Mrs. Crawshay +can only have been nineteen then, and her sister eighteen. Mrs. +Crawshay invariably played the heroine, Lady Hope the confidante, and +Sir John Leslie any male part requisite. No matter what the subject +given them might be, they would start in blank verse at once. Let us +suppose so unpromising a subject as the collection of railway tickets +outside a London terminus had been selected. Lady Hope, with pleading +eyes, and all the conventional gestures of sympathy of a stage +confidante, would at once start apostrophising her sister in some such +fashion as this:— +</P> + +<P> +"Fair Semolina, dry those radiant orbs; Thy swain doth beg thee but a +token small Of that great love which thou dost bear to him. Prithee, +sweet mistress, take now heart of grace, At times we all credentials +have to show, Eftsoons at Willesden halts the panting train, Each +traveller knows inexorable fate Hath trapped him in her toils; loud +rings the tread Of brass-bound despot as he wends his way From door to +door, claiming with gesture rude His pound of flesh, or eke the +pasteboard slip, Punched with much care, all travel-worn and stained, +For which perchance ten ducats have been paid, Granting full access +from some distant spot. Then trembles he, who reckless loves to sip The +joys of travel free of all expense; Knowing the fate that will pursue +him, when To stern collector he hath naught to show." +</P> + +<P> +To which her sister, Mrs. Crawshay, would reply, without one instant's +hesitation, somewhat after this style:— +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Sweet Tapioca, firm and faithful friend,<BR> + Thy words have kindled in my guilty breast<BR> + Pangs of remorse; to thee I will confess.<BR> + Craving a journey to the salt sea waves<BR> + Before this moon had waxed her full, I stood<BR> + Crouching, and feigning infant's stature small<BR> + Before the wicket, whence the precious slips<BR> + Are issued, and declared my years but ten.<BR> + Thus did I falsely pretext tender age,<BR> + And claimed but half the wonted price, and now<BR> + Bitter remorse my stricken conscience sears,<BR> + And hot tears flow at my duplicity."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +The lines would probably have been more neatly worded than this, but +the flow of improvised blank verse from both sisters was inexhaustible. +The somewhat unusual names of Semolina and Tapioca had been adopted for +the heroine and confidante on account of their rhythmical advantages, +and a certain pleasant Shakespearean ring about them. +</P> + +<P> +I know another family who from long practice have acquired the habit of +addressing each other in flowing periods of Johnsonian English. They +never hesitate for an epithet, and manage to round off all their +sentences in Dr. Johnson's best manner. I was following the hounds on +foot one day, with the eldest daughter of this family, when, as we +struggled through a particularly sticky and heavy ploughed field, she +panted out, "Pray let us hasten to the summit of yonder commanding +eminence, whence we can with greater comfort to ourselves witness the +further progress of the chase," and all this without the tiniest +hesitation; a most enviable gift! A son of this family was once riding +in the same steeplechase as a nephew of mine. The youth had lost his +cap, and turning round in his saddle, he shouted to my nephew in the +middle of the race, between two fences, "You will perceive that I have +already sacrificed my cap, and laid it as a votive offering on the +altar of Diana." One would hardly have anticipated that a youthful +cavalry subaltern, in the middle of a steeplechase, would have been +able to lay his hands on such choice flowers of speech. Unfortunately, +owing to the time lost by these well-turned periods, both the speaker +and my nephew merely figured as "also ran." +</P> + +<P> +In the "seventies" some of the curious tricks of pronunciation of the +eighteenth century still survived. My aunts, who had been born with, or +before the nineteenth century, invariably pronounced "yellow" as +"yaller." "Lilac" and "cucumber" became "laylock" and "cowcumber," and +a gold bracelet was referred to as a "goold brasslet." They always +spoke of "Proosia" and "Roosia," drank tea out of a "chaney" cup, and +the eldest of them was still "much obleeged" for any little service +rendered to her, played at "cyards," and took a stroll in the +"gyarden." My grandfather, who was born in 1766, insisted to the end of +his life on terming the capital of these islands "Lunnon," in +eighteenth-century fashion. +</P> + +<P> +Possibly people were more cultured in those days, or, at all events, +more in the habit of using their brains. Imbecility, whether real or +simulated, had not come into fashion. My mother told me that in her +young days a very favourite amusement in country houses was to write +imitations or parodies of some well-known poet, and every one took part +in this. Nowadays no one would have read the originals, much less be +able to imitate them. My mother had a commonplace book into which she +had copied the cleverest of these skits, and Landseer illustrated it +charmingly in pen-and-ink for her. +</P> + +<P> +Any one reading the novels of the commencement of the nineteenth +century must have noticed how wonderfully popular practical jokes, +often of the crudest nature, then were. A brutal practical joke always +seems to me to indicate a very rudimentary and undeveloped sense of +humour in its perpetrator. Some people with paleolithic intellects seem +to think it exquisitely humorous to see a man fall down and hurt +himself. A practical joke which hurts no one is another matter. All +those privileged to enjoy the friendship of the late Admiral Lord +Charles Beresford will always treasure the memory of that genial and +delightful personality. About thirty years ago an elderly gentleman +named Bankes-Stanhope seemed to imagine that he had some proprietary +rights in the Carlton Club. Mr. Bankes-Stanhope had his own chair, +lamp, and table there, and was exceedingly zealous in reminding members +of the various rules of the club. Smoking was strictly forbidden in the +hall of the Carlton at that time. I was standing in the hall one night +when Lord Charles came out of the writing-room, a big bundle of newly +written letters in his hand, and a large cigar in his mouth. He had +just received a shilling's-worth of stamps from the waiter, when old +Mr. Bankes-Stanhope, who habitually puffed and blew like Mr. +Jogglebury-Crowdey of "Sponge's Sporting Tour," noticed the forbidden +cigar through a glass door, and came puffing and blowing into the hall +in hot indignation. He reproved Lord Charles Beresford for his breach +of the club rules in, as I thought, quite unnecessarily severe tones. +The genial Admiral kept his temper, but detached one penny stamp from +his roll, licked it, and placed it on his forefinger. "My dear Mr. +Stanhope," he began, "it was a little oversight of mine. I was writing +in there, do you see?" (a friendly little tap on Mr. Bankes-Stanhope's +shirt-front, and on went a penny stamp), "and I moved in here, you see" +(another friendly tap, and on went a second stamp), "and forgot about +my cigar, you see" (a third tap, and a third stamp left adhering). The +breezy Admiral kept up this conversation, punctuated with little taps, +each one of which left its crimson trace on the old gentleman's white +shirt-front, until the whole shilling's-worth was placed in position. +Mr. Bankes-Stanhope was too irate to notice these little manoeuvres; he +maintained his hectoring tone, and never glanced down at his +shirt-front. Finally Lord Charles left, and the old gentleman, still +puffing and blowing with wrath, struggled into his overcoat, and went +off to an official party at Sir Michael Hicks-Beach's, where his +appearance with twelve red penny stamps adhering to his shirt-front +must have created some little astonishment. +</P> + +<P> +In the '86 Parliament there was a certain Member, sitting on the +Conservative side, who had the objectionable habit of removing his +boots (spring-sided ones, too!) in the House, and of sitting in a pair +of very dubious-coloured grey woollen socks, apparently much in want of +the laundress's attentions. Many Members strongly objected to this +practice, but the delinquent persisted in it, in spite of protests. One +night a brother of mine, knowing that there would shortly be a +Division, succeeded in purloining the offending boots by covering them +with his "Order paper," and got them safely out of the House. He hid +them behind some books in the Division Lobby, and soon after the +Division was called. The House emptied, but the discalced legislator +retained his seat. "A Division having been called, the honourable +Member will now withdraw," ordered Mr. Speaker Peel, most awe-inspiring +of men. "Mr. Speaker, I have lost my boots," protested the shoeless +one. "The honourable Member will at once withdraw," ordered the Speaker +for the second time, in his sternest tones; so down the floor of the +House came the unfortunate man—hop, hop, hop, like the "little hare" +in Shock-headed Peter. The iron ventilating gratings were apparently +uncomfortable to shoeless feet, so he went hopping and limping through +the Division Lobby, affording ample glimpses of his deplorably +discoloured woollen footwear. Later in the evening an attendant handed +him a paper parcel containing his boots, the attendant having, of +course, no idea where the parcel had come from. This incident +effectually cured the offender of his unpleasant habit. The accusation +of neglecting his laundress may have been an unfounded one. In my early +youth I was given a book to read about a tiresome little girl named +Ellen Montgomery, who apparently divided her time between reading her +pocket-Bible and indulging in paroxysms of tears. The only incident in +the book I remember is that this lachrymose child had an aunt, a Miss +Fortune, who objected on principle to clean stockings. She accordingly +dyed all Ellen's stockings dirt-colour, to save the washing. It would +be charitable to assume that this particular Member of Parliament had +an aunt with the same economical instincts. +</P> + +<P> +I must plead guilty to two episodes where my sole desire was to avoid +disappointment to others, and to prevent the reality falling short of +the expectation. One was in India. Barrackpore, the Viceroy of India's +official country house, is justly celebrated for its beautiful gardens. +In these gardens every description of tropical tree, shrub and flower +grows luxuriantly. In a far-off corner there is a splendid group of +fan-bananas, otherwise known as the "Traveller's Palm." Owing to the +habit of growth of this tree, every drop of rain or dew that falls on +its broad, fan-shaped crown of leaves is caught, and runs down the +grooved stalks of the plant into receptacles that cunning Nature has +fashioned just where the stalk meets the trunk. Even in the driest +weather, these little natural tanks will, if gashed with a knife, yield +nearly a tumblerful of pure sweet water, whence the popular name for +the tree. A certain dull M.P., on his travels, had come down to +Barrackpore for Sunday, and inquired eagerly whether there were any +Travellers' Trees either in the park or the gardens there, as he had +heard of them, but had never yet seen one. We assured him that in the +cool of the evening we would show him quite a thicket of Travellers' +Trees. It occurred to the Viceroy's son and myself that it would be a +pity should the globe-trotting M.P.'s expectations not be realised, +after the long spell of drought we had had. So the two of us went off +and carefully filled up the natural reservoirs of some six fan-bananas +with fresh spring-water till they were brimful. Suddenly we had a +simultaneous inspiration, and returning to the house we fetched two +bottles of light claret, which we poured carefully into the natural +cisterns of two more trees, which we marked. Late in the afternoon we +conducted the M.P. to the grove of Travellers' Trees, handed him a +glass, and made him gash the stem of one of them with his pen knife. +Thanks to our preparation, it gushed water like one of the Trafalgar +Square fountains, and the touring legislator was able to satisfy +himself that it was good drinking-water. He had previously been making +some inquiries about so-called "Palm-wine," which is merely the +fermented juice of the toddy-palm. We told him that some Travellers' +Palms produced this wine, and with a slight exercise of ingenuity we +induced him to tap one of the trees we had doctored with claret. +Naturally, a crimson liquid spouted into his glass in response to the +thrust of his pen-knife, and after tasting it two or three times, he +reluctantly admitted that its flavour was not unlike that of red wine. +It ought to have been, considering that we had poured an entire bottle +of good sound claret into that tree. The ex-M.P. possibly reflects now +on the difficulties with which any attempts to introduce "Pussyfoot" +legislation into India would be confronted in a land where some trees +produce red wine spontaneously. +</P> + +<P> +On another occasion I was going by sea from Calcutta to Ceylon. On +board the steamer there were a number of Americans, principally ladies, +connected, I think, with some missionary undertaking. When we got +within about a hundred miles of Ceylon, these American ladies all began +repeating to each other the verse of the well-known hymn: +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "What though the spicy breezes<BR> + Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle,"<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="noindent"> +over and over again, until I loathed Bishop Heber for having written +the lines. They even asked the captain how far out to sea the spicy +breezes would be perceptible. I suddenly got an idea, and, going below, +I obtained from the steward half a dozen nutmegs and a handful of +cinnamon. I grated the nutmegs and pounded the cinnamon up, and then, +with one hand full of each, I went on deck, and walked slowly up and +down in front of the American tourists. Soon I heard an ecstatic cry, +"My dear, I distinctly smelt spice then!" Another turn, and another +jubilant exclamation: "It's quite true about the spicy breezes. I got a +delicious whiff just then. Who would have thought that they would have +carried so far out to sea?" A sceptical elderly gentleman was summoned +from below, and he, after a while, was reluctantly forced to avow that +he, too, had noticed the spicy fragrance. No wonder! when I had about a +quarter of a pound of grated nutmeg in one hand, and as much pounded +cinnamon in the other. Now these people will go on declaring to the end +of their lives that they smelt the spicy odours of Ceylon a full +hundred miles out at sea, just as the travelling M.P. will assert that +a tree in India produces a very good imitation of red wine. It is a +nice point determining how far one is morally responsible oneself for +the unconscious falsehoods into which these people have been betrayed. +I should like to have had the advice of Mrs. Fairchild, of the +Fairchild Family upon this delicate question. I feel convinced that +that estimable lady, with her inexhaustible repertory of supplications, +would instantly have recited by heart "a prayer against the temptation +to lead others into uttering untruths unconsciously," which would have +met the situation adequately, for not once in the book, when appealed +to, did she fail to produce a lengthy and elaborately worded petition, +adapted to the most unexpected emergencies, and I feel confident that +her moral armoury would have included a prayer against tendencies to +"leg-pulling." +</P> + +<P> +To return to the London of the "seventies" and "eighties" after this +brief journey to the East, nothing is more noticeable than the way +public interest in Parliamentary proceedings has vanished. When I was a +boy, all five of the great London dailies, The Times, Morning Post, +Standard, Daily Telegraph, and Daily News, published the fullest +reports of Parliamentary news, and the big provincial dailies followed +their example. Every one then seemed to follow the proceedings of +Parliament with the utmost interest; even at Harrow the elder boys read +the Parliamentary news and discussed it, and I have heard keen-witted +Lancashire artisans eagerly debating the previous night's Parliamentary +encounters. Now the most popular newspapers give the scantiest and +baldest summaries of proceedings in the House of Commons. It is an +editor's business to know the tastes of his readers; if Parliamentary +reports are reduced to a minimum, it must be because they no longer +interest the public. This, again, is quite intelligible. When I first +entered Parliament in 1885 (to which Parliament, by the way, all four +Hamilton brothers had been elected), there were commanding +personalities and great orators in the House: Mr. Gladstone, John +Bright, Joseph Chamberlain, Lord Hartington, Henry James and Randolph +Churchill. When any of these rose to speak, the House filled at once, +they were listened to with eager attention, and every word they uttered +would be read by hundreds of thousands of people next day. Nowadays +proceedings in Parliament seem to be limited to a very occasional solo +from the one star-performer, the rest of the time being occupied by +uninteresting interludes by his understudies, all of which may serve to +explain the decline in public interest. At the time of the Peace of +Paris in 1856, on the termination of the Crimean War, there were in the +House of Commons such outstanding figures as Gladstone, Disraeli, Lord +John Russell, John Bright, and Palmerston; the statesman had not yet +dwindled into the lawyer-politician. +</P> + +<P> +I only heard Mr. Gladstone speak in his old age, when his voice had +acquired a slight roughness which detracted, I thought, from his +wonderful gift of oratory. Mr. Gladstone, too, had certain +peculiarities of pronunciation; he always spoke of "constitootional" +and of "noos." John Bright was a most impressive speaker; he obtained +his effects by the simplest means, for he seldom used long words; +indeed he was supposed to limit himself to words of Saxon origin, with +all their condensed vigour. Is not Newman's hymn, "Lead, Kindly Light," +considered to be a model of English, as it is composed almost entirely +of monosyllables, and, with six exceptions, of words of Saxon origin? +John Bright's speaking had the same quality as Cardinal Newman's hymn. +In spite of his eloquence, John Bright's prophecies were invariably +falsified by subsequent events. I have never heard any one speak with +such facility as Joseph Chamberlain. His utterance was so singularly +clear that, though he habitually spoke in a very low voice, every +syllable penetrated to all parts of the House. When Chamberlain was +really in a dangerous mood, his voice became ominously bland, and his +manner quieter than ever. Then was the time for his enemies to tremble. +I heard him once roll out and demolish a poor facile-tongued +professional spouter so completely and remorsely that the unfortunate +man never dared to open his mouth in the House of Commons again. I +think that any old Member of Parliament will agree with me when I place +David Plunkett, afterwards Lorth Rathmore, who represented for many +years Trinity College, Dublin, in the very front rank as an orator. +Plunkett was an indolent man, and spoke very rarely indeed. When really +roused, and on a subject which he had genuinely at heart, he could rise +to heights of splendid eloquence. Plunkett had a slight impediment in +his speech; when wound up, this impediment, so far from detracting +from, added to the effect he produced. I heard Mr. Gladstone's last +speech in Parliament, on March 1, 1894. It was frankly a great +disappointment. I sat then on the Opposition side, but we Unionists had +all assembled to cheer the old man who was to make his farewell speech +to the Assembly in which he had sat for sixty years, and of which he +had been so dominating and so unique a personality, although we were +bitterly opposed to him politically. The tone of his speech made this +difficult for us. Instead of being a dignified farewell to the House, +as we had anticipated, it was querulous and personal, with a peevish +and minatory note in it that made anything but perfunctory applause +from the Opposition side very hard to produce. Two days afterwards, on +March 3, 1894, Mr. Gladstone resigned. In the light of recent +revelations, we know now that his failing eyesight was but a pretext. +Lord Spencer, then First Lord of the Admiralty, had framed his Naval +Estimates, and declared that the shipbuilding programme outlined in +those Estimates was absolutely necessary for the national safety. Mr. +Gladstone, supported by some of his colleagues, refused to sanction +these Estimates. Some long-headed Members of the Cabinet saw clearly +that if Lord Spencer insisted on his Estimates, in the then temper of +the country, the Liberal party would go to certain defeat. Accordingly, +Mr. Gladstone was induced to resign, as the easiest way out of the +difficulty. I do not gather, though, that those of his colleagues who, +with him, disapproved of the Naval Estimates, thought it their duty to +follow their chief into retirement. +</P> + +<P> +I am amused on seeing on contents bills of news-papers, as a rare item +of news, "All-night sitting of Commons." +</P> + +<P> +In the 1886 Parliament practically every night was an all-night +sitting. Under the old rules of Procedure, as the Session advanced, we +were kept up night after night till 5 a.m. Some Members, notably the +late Henry Labouchere, took a sort of impish delight in keeping the +House sitting late. Many Front-Bench men had their lives shortened by +the strain these late hours imposed on them, notably Edward Stanhope +and Mr. W. H. Smith. Mr. W. H. Smith occupied a very extraordinary +position. This plain-faced man, who could hardly string two words +together, was regarded by all his friends with deep respect, almost +with affection. My brother George has told me that, were there any +disputes in the Cabinet of which he was a member, the invariable advice +of the older men was to "go and take Smith's advice about it." Men +carried their private, domestic, and even financial troubles to this +wise counsellor, confident that the advice given would be sound. Mr. +Smith had none of the more ornamental qualities, but his fund of common +sense was inexhaustible, he never spared himself in his friends' +service, and his high sense of honour and strength of character earned +him the genuine regard of all those who really knew him. He was a very +fine specimen of the unassuming, honourable, high-minded English +gentleman. +</P> + +<P> +In the 1886 Parliament, Mr. Akers-Douglas, now Lord Chilston, was Chief +Conservative Whip and he was singularly fortunate in his Assistant +Whips. Sir William Walrond, now Lord Waleran, Sir Herbert Maxwell, and +the late Sidney Herbert, afterwards fourteenth Earl of Pembroke, formed +a wonderful trio, for Nature had bestowed on each of them a singularly +engaging personality. The strain put on Members of the Opposition was +very severe; our constant attendance was demanded, and we spent +practically our whole lives in the precincts of the House. However much +we longed for a little relaxation and a little change, it was really +impossible to resist the blandishments of the Assistant Whips. They +made it a sort of personal appeal, and a test of personal friendship to +themselves, so grudgingly the contemplated visit to the theatre was +abandoned, and we resigned ourselves to six more hours inside the +over-familiar building. +</P> + +<P> +Sir William Hart-Dyke had been Chief Conservative Whip in the 1868-1873 +Parliament. He married in May 1870, in the middle of the session at a +very critical political period. He most unselfishly consented to forego +his honeymoon, or to postpone it, and there were rumours that on the +very evening of his wedding-day, his sense of duty had been so strong +that he had appeared in the House of Commons to "tell" in an important +Division. When Disraeli was asked if this were true, he shook his head, +and said, "I hardly think so. Hart-Dyke was married that day. Hart-Dyke +is a gentleman; he would never kiss AND 'tell.'" As a pendant to this, +there was another Sir William, a baronet whose name I will suppress. +With execrable taste, he was fond of boasting by name of his amatory +successes. He was always known as "William Tell." +</P> + +<P> +In 1886 the long hours in the House of Commons hung very heavily on our +hands, once the always voluminous daily correspondence of an M.P. had +been disposed of. My youngest brother and I, both then well under +thirty, used to hire tricycles from the dining-room attendants, and +have races up and down the long river terrace, much to the interest of +passers-by on Westminster Bridge. We projected, to pass the time, a +"Soulful Song-Cycle," which was frankly to be an attempt at pulling the +public's leg. Our Song-Cycle never matured, though I did write the +first one of the series, an imaginative effort entitled "In Listless +Frenzy." It was, and was intended to be, utter nonsense, devoid alike +of grammar and meaning. I quoted my "Listless Frenzy" one night to an +"intense" and gushing lady, as an example of the pitiable rubbish +decadent minor poets were then turning out. It began— +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Crimson wreaths of passionless flowers<BR> + Down in the golden glen;<BR> + Silvery sheen of autumnal showers;<BR> + When, my beloved one, when?"<BR> +</P> + +<P> +She assured me that the fault lay in myself, not in the lines; that I +was of too material a temperament to appreciate the subtle beauty of +so-and-so's work. I forget to whom I had attributed the verses, but I +felt quite depressed at reflecting that I was too material to +understand the lines I had myself written. +</P> + +<P> +My brother was a great admirer of the Ingoldsby Legends, and could +himself handle Richard Barham's fascinating metre very effectively. He +was meditating "A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay," dealing with leading +personalities in the then House of Commons. The idea came to nothing, +as an "Ingoldsby Legend" must, from its very essence, be cast in a +narrative form, and the subject did not lend itself to narrative. +Although it has nothing to do with the subject in hand, I must quote +some lines from "The Raid of Carlisle," another "Pseudo-Ingoldsbean +Lay" of my brother's, to show how easily he could use Barham's metre, +with its ear-tickling double rhyme, and how thoroughly he had +assimilated the spirit of the Ingoldsby Legends. The extracts are from +an account of an incident which occurred in 1596 when Lord Scroop was +Warden of the Western or English Marches on behalf of Elizabeth, while +Buccleuch, on the Scottish side, was Warden of the Middle Marches on +behalf of James VI. +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "Now, I'd better explain, while I'm still in the vein,<BR> + That towards the close of Elizabeth's reign,<BR> + Though the 'thistle and rose' were no longer at blows,<BR> + They'd a way of disturbing each other's repose.<BR> + A mode of proceeding most clearly exceeding<BR> + The rules of decorum, and palpably needing<BR> + Some clear understanding between the two nations,<BR> + By which to adjust their unhappy relations.<BR> + With this object in view, it occurred to Buccleuch<BR> + That a great deal of mutual good would accrue<BR> + If they settled that he and Lord Scroop's nominee<BR> + Should meet once a year, and between them agree<BR> + To arbitrate all controversial cases<BR> + And grant an award on an equable basis.<BR> + A brilliant idea that promised to be a<BR> + Corrective, if not a complete panacea—<BR> + For it really appears that for several years,<BR> + These fines of 'poll'd Angus' and Galloway steers<BR> + Did greatly conduce, during seasons of truce,<BR> + To abating traditional forms of abuse,<BR> + And to giving the roues of Border society<BR> + Some little sense of domestic propriety.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + So finding himself, so to speak, up a tree,<BR> + And unable to think of a neat repartee,<BR> + He wisely concluded (as Brian Boru did,<BR> + On seeing his 'illigant counthry' denuded<BR> + Of cattle and grain that were swept from the plain<BR> + By the barbarous hand of the pillaging Dane)<BR> + To bandy no words with a dominant foe,<BR> + But to wait for a chance of returning the blow,<BR> + And then let him have it in more suo."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +These extracts make me regret that the leading personalities in the +Parliament of 1886 were not commemorated in the same pleasant, jingling +metre. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap08"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER VIII +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +The Foreign Office—The new Private Secretary—A Cabinet +key—Concerning theatricals—Some surnames which have passed into +everyday use—Theatricals at Petrograd—A mock-opera—The family from +Runcorn—An embarrassing predicament—Administering the oath—Secret +Service—Popular errors—Legitimate employment of information—The +Phoenix Park murders—I sanction an arrest—The innocent victim—The +execution of the murderers of Alexander II.—The jarring military +band—Black Magic—Sir Charles Wyke—Some of his experiences—The +seance at the Pantheon—Sir Charles' experiment on myself—The +Alchemists—The Elixir of Life, and the Philosopher's Stone—Lucid +directions for their manufacture—Glamis Castle and its +inhabitants—The tuneful Lyon family—Mr. Gladstone at Glamis—He sings +in the glees—The castle and its treasures—Recollections of Glamis. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +Having successfully defeated the Civil Service Examiners, I entered the +Foreign Office in 1876, for the six or eight months' training which all +Attaches had to undergo before being sent abroad. The typewriter had +not then been invented, so everything was copied by hand—a wearisome +and deadening occupation where very lengthy documents were concerned. +</P> + +<P> +The older men in the Foreign Office were great sticklers for observing +all the traditional forms. Lord Granville, in obedience to political +pressure, had appointed the son of a leading politician as one of his +unpaid private secretaries. The youth had been previously in his +father's office in Leeds. On the day on which he started work in the +Foreign Office he was given a bundle of letters to acknowledge. "You +know, of course, the ordinary form of acknowledgment," said his chief. +"Just acknowledge all these, and say that the matter will be attended +to." When the young man from Leeds brought the letters he had written, +for signature that evening, it was currently reported that they were +all worded in the same way: "Dear Sirs:—Your esteemed favour of +yesterday's date duly to hand, and contents noted. Our Lord Granville +has your matter in hand." The horror-stricken official gasped at such a +departure from established routine. +</P> + +<P> +As was the custom then, after one month in the Foreign Office, my +immediate chief gave me a little lecture on the traditional high +standard of honour of the Foreign Office, which he was sure I would +observe, and then handed me a Cabinet key which he made me attach to my +watch-chain in his presence. This Cabinet key unlocked all the boxes in +which the most confidential papers of the Cabinet were circulated. As +things were then arranged, this key was essential to our work, but a +boy just turned twenty naturally felt immensely proud of such a proof +of the confidence reposed in him. I think, too, that the Foreign Office +can feel justifiably proud of the fact that the trust reposed in its +most junior members was never once betrayed, and that the most weighty +secrets were absolutely safe in their keeping. +</P> + +<P> +I have narrated elsewhere my early experiences at Berlin and Petrograd. +In every capital the Diplomatists must always be, in a sense, +sojourners in a strange land, and many of them who find a difficulty in +amalgamating with the people of the country must always be thrown to a +great extent on their own resources. It is probably for this reason +that theatricals were so popular amongst the Diplomats in Petrograd, +the plays being naturally always acted in French. +</P> + +<P> +Here I felt more or less at home. My grandmother, the Duchess of +Bedford, was passionately fond of acting, and in my grandfather's time, +one room at Woburn Abbey was permanently fitted up as a theatre. Here, +every winter during my mother's girlhood, there was a succession of +performances in which she, her mother and brothers and sisters all took +part, the Russell family having a natural gift for acting. Probably the +very name of Charles Matthews is unfamiliar to the present generations, +so it is sufficient to say that he was THE light comedian of the early +nineteenth century. The Garrick Club possesses a fine collection of +portraits of Charles Matthews in some of his most popular parts. +Charles Matthews acted regularly with the Russell family at Woburn, my +mother playing the lead. I have a large collection of Woburn Abbey +play-bills, from 1831-1839, all printed on white satin, and some of the +pieces they put on were quite ambitious ones. My mother had a very +sweet singing voice, which she retained till late in life; indeed a +tiny thread of voice remained until her ninety-third year, with a faint +remnant of its old sweetness still clinging to it. After her marriage, +her love of theatricals still persisted, so we were often having +performances at home, as my brothers and sisters shared her tastes. I +made my first appearance on the stage at the age of seven, and I can +still remember most of my lines. +</P> + +<P> +At Petrograd, in the French theatricals, I was always cast for old men, +and I must have played countless fathers, uncles, generals, and family +lawyers. As unmarried girls took part in these performances, the French +pieces had to be considerably "bowdlerized," but they still remained as +excruciatingly funny as only French pieces can be. +</P> + +<P> +If I may be permitted a rather lengthy digression, "bowdlerised" +derives its name from Thomas Bowdler, who in 1818 published an +expurgated edition of Shakespeare. It would be rather interesting to +make a list of words which have passed into common parlance but which +were originally derived from some peculiarity of the person whose +surname they perpetuate. A few occur to me. In addition to +"bowdlerise," there is "sandwich." As is well known, this compact form +of nourishment derives its name from John, fourth Earl of Sandwich, who +lived between 1718-1792. Lord Sandwich was a confirmed gambler, and +such was his anxiety to lose still more money, and to impoverish +further himself, his family, and his descendants, that he grudged the +time necessary for meals, and had slices of bread and slices of meat +placed by his side. The inventive faculty being apparently but little +developed during the eighteenth century, he was the first person who +thought of placing meat between two slices of bread. Owing to the +economy of time thus effected, he was able to ruin himself very +satisfactorily, and his name is now familiar all over the world, thanks +to the condensed form of food he introduced. +</P> + +<P> +Again, Admiral Edward Vernon was Naval Commander-in-Chief in the West +Indies in 1740. The Admiral was known as "Old Grog," from his habit of +always having his breeches and the linings of his boat-cloaks made of +grogram, a species of coarse white poplin (from the French grosgrain). +It occurred to "Old Grog" that, in view of the ravages of yellow fever +amongst the men of the Fleet, it would be advisable, in the burning +climate of the West Indies, to dilute the blue-jackets' rations of rum +with water before serving them out. This was accordingly done, to the +immense dissatisfaction of the men, who probably regarded it as a +forerunner of "Pussyfoot" legislation. They at once christened the +mixture "grog," after the Admiral's nickname, and "grog" as a term for +spirits and water has spread all over the world, and is used just as +much in French as in English. +</P> + +<P> +The origin of the expression "to burke an inquiry," in the sense of +suppressing or stifling it, is due to Burke and Hare, two enterprising +malefactors who supplied the medical schools of Edinburgh with +"subjects" for anatomical research, early in the nineteenth century. +Their procedure was simple. Creeping behind unsuspecting citizens in +lonely streets, they stifled them to death by placing pitch-plasters +over their mouths and noses. Burke was hanged for this in Edinburgh in +1829. +</P> + +<P> +In our own time, an almost unknown man has enriched the language with a +new verb. A Captain Boycott of Lough Mask House, Co. Mayo, was a small +Irish land-agent in 1880. The means that were adopted to try and drive +him out of the country are well known. Since that time the expression +to "boycott" a person, in the sense of combining with others to refuse +to have any dealings with him, has become a recognised English term, +and is just as widely used in France as with us. +</P> + +<P> +A less familiar term is a "Collins," for the usual letter of thanks +which a grateful visitor addresses to his recent host. This, of course, +is derived from the Rev. Mr. Collins of Jane Austen's Pride and +Prejudice, who prided himself on the dexterity with which he worded +these acknowledgments of favours received. As another example, most +bridge-players are but too familiar with the name of a certain defunct +Earl of Yarborough, who, whatever his other good qualities may have +been, scarcely seems to have been a consistently good card-holder. +</P> + +<P> +There must be quite a long list of similar words, and they would make +an interesting study. +</P> + +<P> +To return to the Diplomatic Theatricals at Petrograd, Labiche's piece, +La Cagnotte, is extraordinarily funny, though written over sixty years +ago. We gave a very successful performance of this, in which I played +the restaurant waiter—a capital part. La Lettre Chargee and Le +Sous-Prefet are both most amusing pieces, which can be played, with +very slight "cuts," before any audience, and they both bubble over with +that gaiete francaise which appeals so to me. We were coached at +Petrograd by Andrieux, the jeune premier of the Theatre Michel, and we +all became very professional indeed, never talking of Au Seconde Acte, +but saying Au Deux, in proper French stage style. We also endeavoured +to cultivate the long-drawn-out "a's" of the Comedie Francaise, and +pronounced "adorahtion" and "imaginahtion" in the traditional manner of +the "Maison de Moliere." +</P> + +<P> +The British business community in Petrograd were also extremely fond of +getting up theatricals, in this case, of course, in English. If in the +French plays I was invariably cast for old men, in the English ones I +was always allotted the extremely juvenile parts, being still very slim +and able to "make up" young. I must confess to having appeared on the +stage in an Eton jacket and collar at the age of twenty-four, as the +schoolboy in Peril. +</P> + +<P> +Russians are extremely clever at parody. Two brothers Narishkin wrote +an intensely amusing mock serious opera, entitled Gargouillada, ou la +Belle de Venise. It was written half in French and mock-Italian, and +half in Russian, and was an excellent skit on an old-fashioned Italian +opera. All the ladies fought shy of the part of "Countess Gorganzola," +the heroine's grandmother. This was partly due to the boldness of some +of "Gorganzola's" lines, and also to the fact that whoever played the +role would have to make-up frankly as an old woman. I was asked to take +"Countess Gorganzola" instead of the villain of the piece, which I had +rehearsed, and I did so, turning it into a sort of Charley's Aunt part. +Garouillada went with a roar from the opening chorus to the final +tableau, and so persistently enthusiastic were the audience that we +agreed to give the opera again four nights in succession. +</P> + +<P> +I was at work in the Chancery of the Embassy next morning when three +people were ushered in to me. They were a family from either St. +Helens, Runcorn, or Widnes, I forget which, all speaking the broadest +Lancashire. The navigation of the Neva being again opened, they had +come on a little trip to Russia on a tramp-steamer belonging to a +friend of theirs. There was the father, a short, thickset man in shiny +black broadcloth, with a shaven upper lip, and a voluminous red +"Newgate-frill" framing his face—exactly the type of face one +associates with the Deacon of a Calvinistic-Methodist Chapel; there was +the mother, a very grim-looking female; and the son, a nondescript +hobbledehoy with goggle-eyes. It appeared that after their passports +had been inspected on landing, the goggle-eyed boy had laid his down +somewhere and had lost it. No hotel would take him in without a +passport, but these people were so obviously genuine, that I had no +hesitation in issuing a fresh passport to the lad, after swearing the +father to an affidavit that the protuberant-eyed youth was his lawful +son. After a few kind words as to the grave effects of any carelessness +with passports in a country like Russia, I let the trio from Runcorn +(or St. Helens) depart. +</P> + +<P> +That evening I had just finished dressing and making-up as Countess +Gorganzola, when I was told that three English people who had come on +from the Embassy wished to see me. The curtain would be going up in ten +minutes, so I got an obliging Russian friend who spoke English to go +down and interview them. The strong Lancashire accent defeated him. All +he could tell me was that it was something about a passport, and that +it was important. I was in a difficulty. It would have taken at least +half an hour to change and make-up again, and the curtain was going up +almost at once, so after some little hesitation I decided to go down as +I was. I was wearing a white wig with a large black lace cap, and a +gown of black moire-antique trimmed with flounces and hanging sleeves +of an abominable material known as black Chantilly lace. Any one who +has ever had to wear this hateful fabric knows how it catches in every +possible thing it can do. Down I went, and the trio from Widnes (or +Runcorn) seemed surprised at seeing an old lady enter the room. But +when I spoke, and they recognised in the old lady the frock-coated (and +I trust sympathetic) official they had interviewed earlier in the day, +their astonishment knew no bounds. The father gazed at me +horror-stricken, as though I were a madman; the mother kept on +swallowing, as ladies of her type do when they wish to convey strong +disapprobation; and the prominent-orbed boy's eyes nearly fell out of +his head. I explained that some theatricals were in progress, but that +did not mend matters; evidently in the serious circles in which they +moved in St. Helens (or Widnes), theatricals were regarded as one of +the snares of the Evil One. To make matters worse, one of my Chantilly +lace sleeves caught in the handle of a drawer, and perhaps excusably, +but quite audibly, I condemned all Chantilly lace to eternal +punishment, but in a much shorter form. After that they looked on me as +clearly beyond the pale. The difficulty about the passport was easily +adjusted. The police had threatened to arrest the young man, as his new +passport was clearly not the one with which he had entered Russia. The +Russian Minister of the Interior happened to be in the green-room, and +on my personal guarantee as to the identity of the Widnes youth, he +wrote an order to the police on his visiting-card, bidding them to +leave the goggle-eyed boy in peace. I really tremble to think of the +reports this family must have circulated upon their return to Widnes +(or Runcorn) as to the frivolity of junior members of the British +Diplomatic Service, who dressed up as old women, and used bad language +about Chantilly lace. +</P> + +<P> +There is a wearisome formality known as "legalising" which took up much +time at the Berlin Embassy. Commercial agreements, if they are to be +binding in two countries, say Germany and England, have to be +"legalised," and this must be done at the Embassy, not at the +Consulate. The individual bringing the document has to make a sworn +affidavit that the contents of his papers are true; he then signs it, +the dry-seal of the Embassy is embossed on it, and a rubber stamp +impressed, declaring that the affidavit has been duly sworn to before a +member of the Embassy staff. This is then signed and dated, and the +process is complete. There were strings of people daily in Berlin with +documents to be legalised, and on a little shelf in the Chancery +reposed an Authorized Version of the Bible, a German Bible, a Vulgate +version of the Gospels in Latin, and a Pentateuch in Hebrew, for the +purpose of administering the oath, according to the religion professed +by the individual. I was duly instructed how to administer the oath in +German, and was told that my first question must be as to the religion +the applicant professed, and that I was then to choose my Book +accordingly. My great friend at Berlin was my fellow-attache Maude, a +most delightful little fellow, who was universally popular. Poor Maude, +who was a near relation of Mr. Cyril Maude the actor's, died four years +afterwards in China. Most of the applicants for legalisation were of +one particular faith. I admired the way in which little Maude, without +putting the usual question as to religion, would scan the features of +the applicant closely and then hand him the Hebrew Pentateuch, and +request him to put on his hat. (Jews are always sworn covered.) About a +month after my arrival in Berlin, I was alone in the Chancery when a +man arrived with a document for legalisation. I was only twenty at the +time, and felt rather "bucked" at administering my first oath. I +thought that I would copy little Maude's methods, and after a good look +at my visitor's prominent features, I handed him the Pentateuch and +requested him to put on his hat. He was perfectly furious, and declared +that both he and his father had been pillars of the Lutheran Church all +their lives. I apologised profusely, but all the same I am convinced +that the original family seat had been situated in the valley of the +Jordan. I avoided, however, guesses as to religions for the future. +</P> + +<P> +Both at Berlin and at Petrograd I kept what are known as the +"Extraordinary Accounts" of the Embassies. I am therefore in a position +to give the exact amount spent on Secret Service, but I have not the +faintest intention of doing anything of the sort. Suffice it to say +that it is less than one-twentieth of the sum the average person would +imagine. Bought information is nearly always unreliable information. A +moment's consideration will show that, should a man be base enough to +sell his country's secrets to his country's possible enemy, he would +also unhesitatingly cheat, if he could, the man who purchases that +information, which, from the very nature of the case, it is almost +impossible to verify. In all probability the so-called information +would have been carefully prepared at the General Staff for the express +purpose of fooling the briber. There is a different class of +information which, it seems to me, is more legitimate to acquire. The +Russian Ministries of Commerce and Finance always imagined that they +could overrule economic laws by decrees and stratagems. For instance, +they were perpetually endeavouring to divert the flow of trade from its +accustomed channels to some port they wished to stimulate artificially +into prosperity, by granting rebates, and by exceptionally favourable +railway rates. Large quantities of jute sacking were imported from +Dundee to be made into bags for the shipment of Russian wheat. One +Minister of Commerce elaborated an intricate scheme for supplanting the +jute sacking by coarse linen sacking of Russian manufacture, by +granting a bonus to the makers of the latter, and by doubling the +import duties on the Scottish-woven material. I could multiply these +economic schemes indefinitely. Now let us suppose that we had some +source of information in the Ministry of Commerce, it was obviously of +advantage to the British Government and to British traders to be warned +of the pending economic changes some two years in advance, for nothing +is ever done quickly in Russia. People in England then knew what to +expect, and could make their arrangements accordingly. I can see +nothing repugnant to the most rigid code of honour in obtaining +information of this kind. +</P> + +<P> +On May 6, 1882, Lord Frederick Cavendish, the newly appointed Irish +Secretary, and Mr. Burke, the Permanent Under-Secretary for Ireland, +were assassinated in the Phoenix Park, Dublin. I knew Tom Burke very +well indeed. The British Government offered a reward of ten thousand +pounds for the apprehension of the murderers, and every policeman in +Europe had rosy dreams of securing this great prize, and was constantly +on the alert for the criminals and the reward. +</P> + +<P> +In July 1882, the Ambassador and half the Embassy staff were on leave +in England. As matters were very slack just then, the Charge d'Affaires +and the Second Secretary had gone to Finland for four days' fishing, +leaving me in charge of the Embassy, with an Attache to help me. My +servant came to me early one morning as I was in bed, and told me that +an official of the Higher Police was outside my front door, and begged +for permission to come into my flat. I have explained elsewhere that +Ambassadors, their families, their staffs, and even all the Embassy +servants enjoy what is called exterritoriality; that is, that by a +polite fiction the Embassy and the houses or apartments of the +Secretaries are supposed to be on the actual soil of the country they +represent. Consequently, the police of the country cannot enter them +except by special permission, and both the Secretaries and their +servants are immune from arrest, and are not subject to the laws of the +country, though they can, of course, be expelled from it. I gave the +policeman leave to enter, and he came into my bedroom. "I have caught +one of the Phoenix Park murderers," he told me triumphantly in Russian, +visions of the possible ten thousand pounds wreathing his face in +smiles. I jumped up incredulously. He went on to inform me that a man +had landed from the Stockholm steamer early that morning. Though he +declared that he had no arms with him, a revolver and a dagger had been +found in his trunk. His passport had only been issued at the British +Legation in Stockholm, and his description tallied exactly with the +signalment issued by Scotland Yard in eight languages. The policier +showed me the description: "height about five feet nine; complexion +sallow, with dark eyes. Thickset build; probably with some recent cuts +on face and hands." The policeman declared that the cuts were there, +and that it was unquestionably the man wanted. Then he put the question +point-blank, would the Embassy sanction this man's arrest? I was only +twenty-five at the time. I had to act on "my own," and I had to decide +quickly. "Yes, arrest him," I said, "but you are not to take him to +prison. Confine him to his room at his hotel, with two or three of your +men to watch him. I will dress and come there as quickly as I can." +</P> + +<P> +Half an hour later I was in a grubby room of a grubby hotel, where a +short, sallow, thickset man, with three recent cuts on his face, was +walking up and down, smoking cigarettes feverishly, and throwing +frightened glances at three sinister-looking plain-clothes men, who +pretended to be quite at ease. I looked again at the description and at +the man. There could be no doubt about it. I asked him for his own +account of himself. He told me that he was the Manager of the +Gothenburg Tramway Company in Sweden, an English concern, and that he +had come to Russia for a little holiday. He accounted for the cuts on +his face and hands by saying that he had slipped and fallen on his face +whilst alighting from a moving tram-car. He declared that he was well +known in Stockholm, and that his wife, when packing his things, must +have put in the revolver and dagger without his knowledge. It all +sounded grotesquely improbable, but I promised to telegraph both to +Stockholm and Gothenburg, and to return to him as soon as I had +received the answers. In the meanwhile I feared that he must consider +himself as under close arrest. He himself was under the impression that +all the trouble was due to the concealed arms; the Phoenix Park murders +had never once been mentioned. I sent off a long telegram in cypher to +the Stockholm Legation, making certain inquiries, and a longer one en +clair to the British Consul at Gothenburg. By nagging at the Attache, +and by keeping that dapper young gentleman's nose pretty close to the +grindstone, I got the first telegram cyphered and dispatched by 10 +a.m.; the answers arrived about 4 p.m. The man's story was true in +every particular. He HAD fallen off a moving tram and cut his face; his +wife, terrified at the idea of unknown dangers in Russia, HAD borrowed +a revolver and dagger from a friend, and had packed them in her +husband's trunk without his knowledge. Mr. D—— (I remember his name +perfectly) was well known in Stockholm, and was a man of the highest +respectability. I drove as fast as I could to the grubby hotel, where I +found the poor fellow still restlessly pacing the room, and still +smoking cigarette after cigarette. There was a perfect Mont Blanc of +cigarette stumps on a plate, and the shifty-looking plain-clothes men +were still watching their man like hawks. I told the police that they +had got hold of the wrong man, that the Embassy was quite satisfied +about him, and that they must release the gentleman at once. They +accordingly did so, and the alluring vision of the ten thousand pounds +vanished into thin air! The poor man was quite touchingly grateful to +me; he had formed the most terrible ideas about a Russian State prison, +and seemed to think that he owed his escape entirely to me. I had not +the moral courage to tell him that I had myself ordered his arrest that +morning, still less of the awful crime of which he had been suspected. +Looking back, I do not see how I could have acted otherwise; the prima +facie case against him was so strong; never was circumstantial evidence +apparently clearer. Mr. D—— went back to Sweden next day, as he had +had enough of Russia. Should Mr. D—— still be alive, and should he by +any chance read these lines, may I beg of him to accept my humblest +apologies for the way I behaved to him thirty-eight years ago. +</P> + +<P> +I happened to see the four assassins of Alexander II. driven through +the streets of Petrograd on their way to execution. They were seated in +chairs on large tumbrils, with their backs to the horses. Each one had +a placard on his, or her breast, inscribed "Regicide" ("Tsaryubeeyetz" +in Russian). Two military brass bands, playing loudly, followed the +tumbrils. This was to make it impossible for the condemned persons to +address the crowd, but the music might have been selected more +carefully. One band played the well-known march from Fatinitza. There +was a ghastly incongruity between the merry strains of this captivating +march and the terrible fate that awaited the people escorted by the +band at the end of their last drive on earth. When the first band +rested, the second replaced it instantly to avoid any possibilities of +a speech. The second band seemed to me to have made an equally unhappy +selection of music. "Kaiser Alexander," written as a complimentary +tribute to the murdered Emperor by a German composer, is a spirited and +tuneful march, but as "Kaiser Alexander" was dead, and had been killed +by the very people who were now going to expiate their crime, the +familiar tune jarred horribly. A jaunty, lively march tune, and death +at the end of it, and in a sense at the beginning of it too. At times +even now I can conjure up a vision of the broad, sombre Petrograd +streets, with the dull cotton-wool sky pressing down almost on to the +house-tops; the vast silent crowds thronging the thoroughfares, and the +tumbrils rolling slowly forward through the crowded streets to the +place of execution, accompanied by the gay strains of the march from +Fatinitza. The hideous incongruity between the tune and the occasion +made one positively shudder. +</P> + +<P> +There is in the Russian temperament a peculiar unbalanced hysterical +element. This, joined to a distinct bent towards the mystic, and to a +large amount of credulity, has made Russia for two hundred years the +happy hunting-ground of charlatans and impostors of various sorts +claiming supernatural powers: clairvoyants, mediums, yogis, and all the +rest of the tribe who batten on human weaknesses, and the perpetual +desire to tear away the veil from the Unseen. It so happened that my +chief at Lisbon had in his youth dabbled in the Black Art. Sir Charles +Wyke was a dear old man, who had spent most of his Diplomatic career in +Mexico and the South American Republics. He spoke Spanish better than +any other Englishman I ever knew, with the one exception of Sir William +Barrington. He was unmarried, and was a most distinguished-looking old +gentleman with his snow-white imperial and moustache. He was +unquestionably a little eccentric in his habits. He had rendered some +signal service to the Mexican Government while British Minister there, +by settling a dispute between them and the French authorities. The +Mexican Government had out of gratitude presented him with a splendid +Mexican saddle, with pommel, stirrups and bit of solid silver, and with +the leather of the saddle most elaborately embroidered in silver. Sir +Charles kept this trophy on a saddle-tree in his study at Lisbon, and +it was his custom to sit on it daily for an hour or so. He said that as +he was too old to ride, the feel of a saddle under him reminded him of +his youth. When every morning I brought the old gentleman the day's +dispatches, I always found him seated on his saddle, a cigar in his +mouth, a skull-cap on his head, and his feet in the silver +shoe-stirrups. Sir Charles had been a great friend of the first Lord +Lytton, the novelist, and they had together dabbled in Black Magic. Sir +Charles declared that the last chapters in Bulwer-Lytton's wonderful +imaginative work, A STRANGE STORY, describing the preparation of the +Elixir of Life in the heart of the Australian Bush, were all founded on +actual experience, with the notable reservation that all the recorded +attempts made to produce this magic fluid had failed from their very +start. He had in his younger days joined a society of Rosicrucians, by +which I do not mean the Masonic Order of that name, but persons who +sought to penetrate into the Forbidden Domain. Some forty years ago a +very interesting series of articles appeared in Vanity Fair (the weekly +newspaper, not Thackeray's masterpiece), under the title of "The Black +Art." In one of these there was an account of a seance which took place +at the Pantheon in Oxford Street, in either the "forties" or the +"fifties." A number of people had hired the hall, and the Devil was +invoked in due traditional form, Then something happened, and the +entire assemblage rushed terror-stricken into Oxford Street, and +nothing would induce a single one of them to re-enter the building. Sir +Charles owned that he had been present at the seance, but he would +never tell me what it was that frightened them all so; he said that he +preferred to forget the whole episode. Sir Charles had an idea that I +was a "sensitive," so, after getting my leave to try his experiment, he +poured into the palm of my hand a little pool of quicksilver, and +placing me under a powerful shaded lamp, so that a ray of light caught +the mercury pool, he told me to look at the bright spot for a quarter +of an hour, remaining motionless meanwhile. Any one who has shared this +experience with me, knows how the speck of light flashes and grows +until that little pool of quicksilver seems to fill the entire horizon, +darting out gleaming rays like an Aurora Borealis. I felt myself +growing dazed and hypnotised, when Sir Charles emptied the mercury from +my hand, and commenced making passes over me, looking, with his slender +build and his white hair and beard, like a real mediaeval magician. +"Now you can neither speak nor move," he cried at length. "I think I +can do both, Sir Charles," I answered, as I got out of the chair. He +tried me on another occasion, and then gave me up. I was clearly not a +"sensitive." +</P> + +<P> +Sir Charles had quite a library of occult books, from which I +endeavoured to glean a little knowledge, and great rubbish most of them +were. Raymond Lully, Basil Valentine, Paracelsus, and Van Helmont; they +were all there, in French, German, Latin, and English. The Alchemists +had two obsessions: one was the discovery of the Elixir of Life, by the +aid of which you could live forever; the other that of the +Philosopher's Stone, which had the property of transmuting everything +it touched into gold. Like practical men, they seemed to have +concentrated their energies more especially on the latter, for a +moment's consideration will show the exceedingly awkward predicament in +which any one would be placed with only the first of these conveniences +at his command. Should he by the aid of the Elixir of Life have managed +to attain the age of, say, 300 years, he might find it excessively hard +to obtain any remunerative employment at that time of life; whereas +with the Philosopher's Stone in his pocket, he would only have to touch +the door-scraper outside his house to find it immediately transmuted +into the purest gold. In case of pressing need, he could extend the +process with like result to his area railings, which ought to be enough +to keep the wolf from the door for some little while even at the +present-day scale of prices. +</P> + +<P> +Basil Valentine, the German Benedictine monk and alchemist, who wrote a +book which he quaintly termed The Triumphant Wagon, in praise of the +healing properties of antimony, actually thought that he had discovered +the Elixir of Life in tartrate of antimony, more generally known as +tartar emetic. He administered large doses of this turbulent remedy to +some ailing monks of his community, who promptly all died of it. +</P> + +<P> +The main characteristics of the Alchemists is their wonderful clarity. +For instance, when they wish to refer to mercury, they call it "the +green lion," and the "Pontic Sea," which makes it quite obvious to +every one. They attached immense importance to the herb "Lunary," which +no one as yet has ever been able to discover. Should any one happen to +see during their daily walks "a herb with a black root, and a red and +violet stalk, whose leaves wax and wane with the moon," they will at +once know that they have found a specimen of the rare herb "Lunary." +The juice of this plant, if boiled with quicksilver, has only to be +thrown over one hundred ounces of copper, to change them instantly into +fine gold. Paracelsus' directions for making the Philosopher's Stone +are very simple: "Take the rosy-coloured blood of the lion, and gluten +from the eagle. Mix them together, and the Philosopher's Stone is +thine. Seek the lion in the west, and the eagle in the south." What +could be clearer? Any child could make sufficient Philosopher's Stones +from this simple recipe to pave a street with—a most useful asset, by +the way, to the Chancellor of the Exchequer at the present time, for +every bicycle, omnibus and motor-lorry driving over the Philosopher +Stone-paved street would instantly be changed automatically into pure +gold, and the National Debt could be satisfactorily liquidated in this +fashion in no time. +</P> + +<P> +Whenever I returned home on leave, whether from Berlin, Petrograd, +Lisbon, or Buenos Ayres, I invariably spent a portion of my leave at +Glamis Castle. This venerable pile, "whose birth tradition notes not," +though the lower portions were undoubtedly standing in 1016, rears its +forest of conical turrets in the broad valley lying between the +Grampians and the Sidlaws, in the fertile plains of Forfarshire. Apart +from the prestige of its immense age, Glamis is one of the most +beautiful buildings in the Three Kingdoms. The exquisitely weathered +tints of grey-pink and orange that its ancient red sandstone walls have +taken on with the centuries, its many gables and towers rising in +summer-time out of a sea of greenery, the richness of its architectural +details, make Glamis a thing apart. There is nothing else quite like +it. No more charming family can possibly be imagined than that of the +late Lord Strathmore, forty years ago. The seven sons and three +daughters of the family were all born musicians. I have never heard +such perfect and finished part-singing as that of the Lyon family, and +they were always singing: on the way to a cricket-match; on the road +home from shooting; in the middle of dinner, even, this irrepressible +family could not help bursting into harmony, and such exquisite +harmony, too! Until their sisters grew up, the younger boys sang the +treble and alto parts, but finally they were able to manage a +male-voice quartet, a trio of ladies' voices, and a combined family +octette. The dining-room at Glamis is a very lofty hall, oak-panelled, +with a great Jacobean chimney-piece rising to the roof. After dinner it +was the custom for the two family pipers to make the circuit of the +table three times, and then to walk slowly off, still playing, through +the tortuous stone passages of the ancient building until the last +faint echoes of the music had died away. Then all the lights in the +dining-room were extinguished except the candles on the table, and out +came a tuning-fork, and one note was sounded—"Madrigal," "Spring is +Come, third beat," said the conducting brother, and off they went, +singing exquisitely; glees, madrigals, part-songs, anything and +everything, the acoustic properties of the lofty room adding to the +effect. All visitors to Glamis were charmed with this most finished +singing—always, of course, without accompaniment. They sang equally +well in the private chapel, giving admirable renderings of the most +intricate "Services," and, from long practice together, their voices +blended perfectly. This gifted family were equally good at acting. They +had a permanent stage during the winter months at Glamis, and as every +new Gilbert and Sullivan opera was produced in London, the concerted +portions were all duly repeated at Glamis, and given most excellently. +I have never heard the duet and minuet between "Sir Marmaduke" and +"Lady Sangazure" from The Sorcerer better done than at Glamis, although +Sir Marmaduke was only nineteen, and Lady Sangazure, under her white +wig, was a boy of twelve. The same boy sang "Mabel" in the Pirates of +Penzance most admirably. +</P> + +<P> +In 1884 it was conveyed to Lord Strathmore that Mr. and Mrs. Gladstone, +whom he did not know personally, were most anxious to see Glamis. Of +course an invitation was at once dispatched, and in spite of the +rigorously Tory atmosphere of the house, we were all quite charmed with +Mr. Gladstone's personality. Lord Strathmore wished to stop the +part-singing after dinner, but I felt sure that Mr. Gladstone would +like it, so it took place as usual. The old gentleman was perfectly +enchanted with it, and complimented this tuneful family +enthusiastically on the perfect finish of their singing. Next evening +Mr. Gladstone asked for a part-song in the middle of dinner, and as the +singing was continued in the drawing-room afterwards, he went and, with +a deferential courtesy charming to see in a man of his age and +position, asked whether the young people would allow an old man to sing +bass in the glees with them. Mr. Gladstone still had a very fine +resonant bass, and he read quite admirably. It was curious to see the +Prime Minister reading off the same copy as an Eton boy of sixteen, who +was singing alto. Being Sunday night, they went on singing hymns and +anthems till nearly midnight; there was no getting Mr. Gladstone away. +Mrs. Gladstone told me next day that he had not enjoyed himself so much +for many months. +</P> + +<P> +There was a blend of simplicity, dignity, and kindliness in Mrs. +Gladstone's character that made her very attractive. My family were +exceedingly fond of her, and though two of my brothers were always +attacking Mr. Gladstone in the most violent terms, this never strained +their friendly relations with Mrs. Gladstone herself. I always conjure +up visions of Mrs. Gladstone in her sapphire-blue velvet, her +invariable dress of ceremony. Though a little careless as to her +appearance, she always looked a "great lady," and her tall figure, and +the kindly old face with its crown of silvery hair, were always +welcomed in the houses of those privileged to know her. +</P> + +<P> +The Lyon family could do other things besides singing and acting. The +sons were all excellent shots, and were very good at games. One brother +was lawn-tennis champion of Scotland, whilst another, with his partner, +won the Doubles Championship of England. +</P> + +<P> +Glamis is the oldest inhabited house in Great Britain. As Shakespeare +tells us in Macbeth, +</P> + +<P> +"This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air Nimbly and sweetly +recommends itself Unto our gentle senses." +</P> + +<P> +The vaulted crypt was built before 1016, and another ancient +stone-flagged, stone-vaulted hall leading out of it is the traditional +scene of the murder of Duncan by Macbeth, the "Thane of Glamis." In a +room above it King Malcolm II. of Scotland was murdered in 1034. The +castle positively teems with these agreeable traditions. The staircases +and their passages are stone-walled, stone-roofed, and stone-floored, +and their flags are worn into hollows by the feet which have trodden +them for so many centuries. Unusual features are the secret winding +staircases debouching in the most unexpected places, and a well in the +front hall, which doubtless played a very useful part during the many +sieges the castle sustained in the old days. The private chapel is a +beautiful little place of worship, with eighty painted panels of +Scriptural subjects by De Witt, the seventeenth-century Dutch artist, +and admirable stained glass. The Castle, too, is full of interesting +historical relics. It boasts the only remaining Fool's dress of motley +in the kingdom; Prince Charlie's watch and clothes are still preserved +there, for the Prince, surprised by the Hanoverian troops at Glamis, +had only time to jump on a horse and escape, leaving all his belongings +behind him. There is a wonderful collection of old family dresses of +the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, and above all there is the +very ancient silver-gilt cup, "The Lion of Glamis," which holds an +entire bottle of wine, and on great family occasions is still produced +and used as a loving-cup, circulating from hand to hand round the +table. Walter Scott in a note to Waverly states that it was the "Lion +of Glamis" cup which gave him the idea of the "Blessed Bear of +Bradwardine." In fact, there is no end to the objects of interest this +wonderful old castle contains, and the Lyon family have inhabited it +for six hundred years in direct line from father to son. +</P> + +<P> +It is difficult for me to write impartially about Glamis, for it is as +familiar to me as my own home. I have been so much there, and have +received such kindness within its venerable walls, that it can never be +to me quite as other places are. I can see vast swelling stretches of +purple heather, with the dainty little harebells all a-quiver in the +strong breeze sweeping over the grouse-butts, as a brown mass of +whirling wings rushes past at the pace of an express train, causing one +probably to reflect how well-nigh impossible it is to "allow" too much +for driven grouse flying down-wind. I can picture equally vividly the +curling-pond in winter-time, tuneful with the merry chirrup of the +curling-stones as they skim over the ice, whilst cries of "Soop her up, +man, soop! Soop!" from the anxious "skip" fill the keen air. I like +best, though, to think of the Glamis of my young days, when the ancient +stone-built passages and halls, that have seen so many generations pass +through them and disappear, rang with perpetual youthful laughter, or +echoed beautifully finished part-singing; when nimble young feet +twinkled, and kilts whirled to the skirl of the pipes under the vaulted +roof of the nine-hundred-year-old crypt; when the whole place was +vibrant with joyous young life, and the stately, grey-bearded owner of +the historic castle, and of many broad acres in Strathmore besides, +found his greatest pleasure in seeing how happy his children and his +guests could be under his roof. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap09"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER IX +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Canada—The beginnings of the C.P.R.—Attitude of British Columbia—The +C.P.R. completed—Quebec—A swim at Niagara—Other mighty +waterfalls—Ottawa and Rideau Hall—Effects of dry climate—Personal +electricity—Every man his own dynamo—Attraction of +Ottawa—Curling—The "roaring game"—Skating—An ice-palace—A ball on +skates—Difficulties of translating the Bible into Eskimo—The building +of the snow hut—The snow hut in use—Sir John Macdonald—Some personal +traits—The Canadian Parliament buildings—Monsieur l'Orateur—A quaint +oration—The "Pages' Parliament"—An all-night sitting—The "Arctic +Cremorne"—A curious Lisbon custom—The Balkan +"souvenir-hunters"—Personal inspection of Canadian convents—Some +incidents—The unwelcome novice—The Montreal Carnival—The +Ice-castle—The Skating Carnival—A stupendous toboggan slide—The +pioneer of "ski" in Canada—The old-fashioned raquettes—A Canadian +Spring—Wonder of the Dominion. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +When I was in Canada for the first time in 1884, the Canadian Pacific +Railway was not completed, and there was no through railway connection +between the Maritime Provinces, "Upper" and "Lower" Canada, and the +Pacific Coast, though, of course, in 1884 those old-fashioned terms for +the Provinces of Ontario and Quebec had been obsolete for some time. +Since the Federation of the Dominion in 1867, the opening of the +Trans-Continental railway has been the most potent factor in the +knitting together of Canada, and has developed the resources of the +Dominion to an extent which even the most enthusiastic of the original +promoters of the C.P.R. never anticipated. When British Columbia threw +in its lot with the Dominion in 1871, one of the terms upon which the +Pacific Province insisted was a guarantee that the Trans-Continental +railway should be completed in ten years—that is, in 1881. Two rival +Companies received in 1872 charters for building the railway; the +result was continual political intrigue, and very little construction +work. British Columbia grew extremely restive under the continual +delays, and threatened to retire from the Dominion. Lord Dufferin told +me himself, when I was his Private Secretary in Petrograd, that on the +occasion of his official visit to British Columbia (of course by sea), +in either 1876 or 1877, as Governor-General, he was expected to drive +under a triumphal arch which had been erected at Victoria, Vancouver +Island. This arch was inscribed on both sides with the word +"Separation." I remember perfectly Lord Dufferin's actual words in +describing the incident: "I sent for the Mayor of Victoria, and told +him that I must have a small—a very small—alteration made in the +inscription, before I could consent to drive under it; an alteration of +one letter only. The initial 'S' must be replaced with an 'R' and then +I would pledge my word that I would do my best to see that 'Reparation' +was made to the Province." This is so eminently characteristic of Lord +Dufferin's methods that it is worth recording. The suggested alteration +in the inscription was duly made, and Lord Dufferin drove under the +arch. In spite of continued efforts the Governor-General was unable to +expedite the construction of the railway under the Mackenzie +Administration, and it needed all his consummate tact to quiet the +ever-growing demand for separation from the Dominion on the part of +British Columbia, owing to the non-fulfilment of the terms of union. It +was not until 1881, under Sir John Macdonald's Premiership, that a +contract was signed with a new Company to complete the Canadian Pacific +within ten years, but so rapid was the progress made, that the last +spike was actually driven on November 7, 1886, five years before the +stipulated time. The names of three Scotsmen will always be associated +with this gigantic undertaking: those of the late Donald Smith, +afterwards Lord Strathcona; George Stephen, now Lord Mount-stephen; and +Mr. R. B. Angus of Montreal. The last spike, which was driven in at a +place called Craigellachie, by Mrs. Mackenzie, widow of the Premier +under whom the C.P.R. had been commenced, was of an unusual character, +for it was of eighteen-carat gold. In the course of an hour it was +replaced by a more serviceable spike of steel. I have often seen Mrs. +Mackenzie wearing the original gold spike, with "Craigellachie" on it +in diamonds. +</P> + +<P> +There are few finer views in the world than that from the terrace of +the Citadel of Quebec over the mighty expanse of the St. Lawrence, with +ocean-going steamers lying so close below that it would be possible to +drop a stone from the Citadel on to their decks; and the view from the +Dufferin Terrace, two hundred feet lower down, is just as fine. My +brother-in-law, Lord Lansdowne, had been appointed Governor-General in +1883, and I well remember my first arrival in Quebec. We had been +living for five weeks in the backwoods of the Cascapedia, the famous +salmon-river, under the most primitive conditions imaginable. I had +come there straight from the Argentine Republic on a tramp steamer, and +we lived on the Cascapedia coatless and flannel-shirted, with our legs +encased in "beef moccasins" as a protection against the hordes of +voracious flies that battened ravenously on us from morning to night. +It was a considerable change from a tent on the banks of the rushing, +foaming Cascapedia to the Citadel of Quebec, which was then appointed +like a comfortable English country house, and gave one a thoroughly +home-like feeling at once. After my prolonged stay in South America I +was pleased, too, to recognise familiar pictures, furniture and china +which I had last met in their English Wiltshire home, all of them with +the stolid impassiveness of inanimate objects unaware that they had +been spirited across the Atlantic, three thousand miles from their +accustomed abiding-place. +</P> + +<P> +In September 1884, at a point immediately below the Falls, I swam +Niagara with Mr. Cecil Baring, now a partner in Baring Brothers, then +an Oxford undergraduate. We were standing at the foot of the American +Falls, when we noticed a little board inscribed, "William Grenfell of +Taplow Court, England" (the present Lord Desborough), "swam Niagara at +this spot." I looked at Baring, Baring looked at me. "I don't see why +we shouldn't do it too," he observed, to which I replied, "We might +have a try," so we stripped, sent our clothes over to the Canadian +side, and entered the water. It was a far longer swim than either of us +had anticipated, the current was very strong, and the eddies bothered +us. When we landed on the Canadian shore, I was utterly exhausted, +though Baring, being eight years younger than me, did not feel the +effects of the exertion so much. I remember that the Falls, seen from +only six inches above the surface of the water, looked like a splendid +range of snow-clad hills tumbling about in mad confusion, and that the +roar of waters was deafening. As we both lay panting and gasping, puris +naturalibus, on the Canadian bank, I need hardly say, as we were on the +American continent, that a reporter made his appearance from nowhere, +armed with notebook and pencil. This young newspaper-man was not +troubled with false delicacy. He asked us point-blank what we had made +out of our swim. On learning that we had had no money on it, but had +merely done it for the fun of the thing, he mentioned the name of a +place of eternal punishment, shut up his notebook in disgust, and +walked off: there was evidently no "story" to be made out of us. After +some luncheon and a bottle of Burgundy, neither Baring nor I felt any +the worse for our swim, nor were we the least tired during the +remainder of the day. I have seen Niagara in summer, spring and in +mid-winter, and each time the fascination of these vast masses of +tumbling waters has grown on me. I have never, to my regret, seen the +Victoria Falls of the Zambesi, as on two separate occasions when +starting for them unforeseen circumstances detained me in Cape Town. +The Victoria Falls are more than double the height of Niagara, Niagara +falling 160 feet, and the Zambesi 330 feet, and the Falls are over one +mile broad, but I fancy that except in March and April, the volume of +water hurling itself over them into the great chasm below is smaller +than at Niagara. I have heard that the width of the Victoria Falls is +to within a few yards exactly the distance between the Marble Arch and +Oxford Circus. When I was in the Argentine Republic, the great Falls of +the River Iguazu, a tributary of the Parana, were absolutely +inaccessible. To reach them vast tracts of dense primeval forest had to +be traversed, where every inch of the track would have to be +laboriously hacked through the jungle. Their very existence was +questioned, for it depended on the testimony of wandering Indians, and +of one solitary white man, a Jesuit missionary. Now, since the railway +to Paraguay has been completed, the Iguazu Falls can be reached, though +the journey is still a difficult one. The Falls are 200 feet high, and +nearly a mile wide. In the very heart of the City of Ottawa there are +the fine Chaudiere Falls, where the entire River Ottawa drops fifty +feet over a rocky ledge. The boiling whirl of angry waters has well +earned its name of cauldron, or "Chaudiere," but so much of the water +has now been drawn off to supply electricity and power to the city, +that the volume of the falls has become sensibly diminished. I know of +no place in Europe where the irresistible might of falling waters is +more fully brought home to one than at Trollhattan in Sweden. Here the +Gotha River whirls itself down 120 feet in seven cataracts. They are +rapids rather than falls, but it is the immense volume of water which +makes them so impressive. Every year Trolhattan grows more and more +disfigured by saw-mills, carbide of calcium works, and other industrial +buildings sprouting up like unsightly mushrooms along the river-banks. +The last time that I was there it was almost impossible to see the +falls in their entirety from any point, owing to this congestion of +squalid factories. +</P> + +<P> +Rideau Hall, the Government House at Ottawa, stands about two miles out +of the town, and is a long, low, unpretentious building, exceedingly +comfortable as a dwelling-house, if somewhat inadequate as an official +residence for the Governor-General of Canada. Lord Dufferin added a +large and very handsome ball-room, fitted with a stage at one end of +it, and a full-sized tennis-court. This tennis-court, by an ingenious +arrangement, can be converted in a few hours into a splendid +supper-room. A red and white tent is lowered bodily from the roof; a +carpet is spread over the floor; great white-and-gold electric +standards bearing the arms of the different Provinces are placed in +position, and the thing is done. The intense dryness of the Canadian +winter climate, especially in houses where furnace-heat intensifies the +dryness, produces some unexpected results. My brother-in-law had +brought out a number of old pieces of French inlaid furniture. The +excessive dryness forced out some of the inlaid marqueterie of these +pieces, and upon their return to Europe they had to undergo a long and +expensive course of treatment. Some fine Romneys and Gainesboroughs +also required the picture-restorer's attentions before they could +return to their Wiltshire home after a five years' sojourn in the dry +air of Canada. The ivory handles of razors shrink in the dry +atmosphere; as the steel frame cannot shrink correspondingly the ivory +splits in two. The thing most surprising to strangers was that it was +possible in winter-time to light the gas with one's finger. All that +was necessary was to shuffle over the carpet in thin shoes, and then on +touching any metal object, an electric spark half an inch long would +crack out of your finger. The size and power of the spark depended a +great deal on the temperament of the experimenter. A high-strung person +could produce quite a large spark; a stolid, bovine individual could +not obtain a glimmer of one. The late Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, whilst +staying at Government House, was told of this, but was inclined to be +sceptical. My sister, Lady Lansdowne, made him shuffle over the carpet, +and then and there touch a gas-burner from which she had removed the +globe. Mr. Chamberlain, with his nervous temperament, produced a spark +an inch long out of himself, and of course the gas flared up +immediately. I do not think that I had ever seen any one more +surprised. This power of generating static electricity from their own +bodies was naturally a source of immense delight to the Lansdowne +children. They loved, after shuffling their feet on the carpet, to +creep up to any adult relation and touch them lightly on the ear, a +most sensitive spot. There would be a little spark, a little shock, and +a little exclamation of surprise. Outside the children's schoolroom +there was a lobby warmed by a stove, and the air there was peculiarly +dry. The young people, with a dozen or so of their youthful friends, +would join hands, taking, however, care not to complete the circle, and +then shuffle their feet vigorously. On completing the circuit, they +could produce a combined spark over two inches long, with a +correspondingly sharp shock. In my bedroom at Ottawa there was an +old-fashioned high brass fender. Had I put on slippers, and have +attempted to warm myself at the fire previous to turning-in. I should +be reminded, by a sharp discharge from my protesting calves into the +metal fender, that I was in dry Canada. (At that date the dryness of +Canada was atmospherical only.) Curiously enough, a spark leaving the +body produces the same shock as one entering it, and no electricity +whatever can be generated with bare feet. One of the footmen at Ottawa +must have been an abnormally high-strung young man, for should one +inadvertently touch silver dinner-plate he handed one, a sharp electric +shock resulted. The children delighted in one very pretty experiment. +Many books for the young have their bindings plentifully adorned with +gold, notably the French series, the "Bibliotheque Rose." Should one of +these highly-gilt volumes be taken into a warm and dry place, and the +lights extinguished, the INNER side of the binding had only to be +rubbed briskly with a fur-cap for all the gilding to begin to sparkle +and coruscate, and to send out little flashes of light. The children +took the utmost pleasure in this example of the curious properties of +electricity. +</P> + +<P> +The Ottawa of the "eighties" was an attractive little place, and Ottawa +Society was very pleasant. There was then a note of unaffected +simplicity about everything that was most engaging, and the people were +perfectly natural and free from pretence. The majority of them were +Civil servants of limited means, and as everybody knew what their +neighbours' incomes were, there was no occasion for make-believe. The +same note of simplicity ran through all amusements and entertaining, +and I think that it constituted the charm of the place. I called one +afternoon on the very agreeable wife of a high official, and was told +at the door that Lady R—was not at home. Recognizing my voice, a cry +came up from the kitchen-stairs. "Oh, yes! I am at home to you. Come +right down into the kitchen," where I found my friend, with her sleeves +rolled up, making with her own hands the sweets for the dinner-party +she was giving that night, as she mistrusted her cook's capabilities. +The Ottawa people had then that gift of being absolutely unaffected, +which makes the majority of Australians so attractive. Now everything +has changed; Ottawa has trebled in size since I first knew it, and on +revisiting it twenty-five years later, I found that it had become very +"smart" indeed, with elaborate houses and gorgeous raiment. +</P> + +<P> +Rideau Hall had two open-air skating-rinks in its own grounds, two +imposing toboggan-slides, and a covered curling-rink. The "roaring +game" is played in Canada with very heavy straight-sided iron "stones," +weighing from 50 to 60 lbs. As the ice in a covered rink can be +constantly flooded, it can be kept in the most perfect order, and with +the heavy stones far greater accuracy can be attained than with the +granite stones used in Scotland. The game becomes a sort of billiards +on ice. The Rideau Hall team consisted of Lord Lansdowne himself, +General Sir Henry Streatfield, a nephew of mine, and one of the +footmen, who seemed to have a natural gift as a curler. Our team were +invincible in 1888. At a curling-match against Montreal in 1887, a +long-distance telephone was used for the first time in Canada. Ottawa +is 120 miles distant from Montreal, and a telephone was specially +installed, and each "end" telephoned from Rideau Hall to Montreal, +where the result was shown on a board, excitement over the match +running high. Montreal proved the victors. On great occasions such as +this, the ice of the curling-rink was elaborately decorated in colours. +It was very easily done. Ready-prepared stencils, such as are used for +wall-decoration, were laid on the ice, and various coloured inks mixed +with water were poured through the stencil holes, and froze almost +immediately on to the ice below. In this fashion complicated designs of +roses, thistles and maple-leaves, all in their proper colours, could be +made in a very short time, and most effective they were until destroyed +by the first six "ends." When the Governor-General's time in Canada +expired and he was transferred to India, the curlers of Canada +presented him with a farewell address. Lord Lansdowne made, I thought, +a very happy reply. Speaking of the regret he felt at leaving Ottawa, +and at severing his many links of connection with Canada, he added +that, bearing in view the climate of Bengal, he did not anticipate much +curling in India, and that he would miss the "roaring game"; in fact, +the only "roaring game" he was likely to come in contact with would +probably take the unpleasant form of a Bengal tiger springing out at +him. Lord Lansdowne went on to say, "Let us hope that it will not +happen that your ex-Governor-General will be found, not pursuing the +roaring game, but being pursued by it." +</P> + +<P> +From skating daily, most of the Government House party became very +expert, and could perform every kind of trick upon skates. Lord and +Lady Lansdowne and their two daughters, now Duchess of Devonshire and +Lady Osborne Beauclerk, could execute the most complicated Quadrilles +and Lancers on skates, and could do the most elaborate figures. +</P> + +<P> +Once a week all Ottawa turned up at Rideau Hall to skate to the music +of a good military band. Every year in December a so-called ice-palace +was built for the band, of clear blocks of ice. Once given a design, +ice-architecture is most fascinating and very easy. Instead of mortar, +all that is required is a stream of water from a hose to freeze the +ice-blocks together, and as ice can be easily chipped into any shape, +the most fantastic pinnacles and ornaments can be contrived. Our +ice-palace was usually built in what I may call a free adaptation of +the Canado-Moresque style. A very necessary feature in the ice-palace +was the large stove for thawing the brass instruments of the band. A +moment's consideration will show that in the intense cold of a Canadian +winter, the moisture that accumulates in a brass instrument would +freeze solid, rendering the instrument useless. The bandsmen had always +to handle the brass with woollen gloves on, to prevent getting burnt. +How curious it is that the sensation of touching very hot or very cold +metal is identical, and that it produces the same effect on the human +skin! With thirty or more degrees of frost, great caution must be used +in handling skate-blades with bare fingers if burns are to be avoided. +The coldest day I have ever known was New Year's Day 1888, when the +thermometer at Ottawa registered 41 degrees below, or 73 degrees of +frost. The air was quite still, as it invariably is with great cold, +but every breath taken gave one a sensation of being pinched on the +nose, as the moisture in the nostrils froze together. +</P> + +<P> +The weekly club-dances of the Ottawa Skating Club were a pretty sight. +They were held in a covered public rink, gay with many flags, with +garlands of artificial flowers and foliage, and blazing with sizzling +arc-lights. These people, accustomed to skates from their earliest +childhood, could dance as easily and as gracefully on them as on their +feet, whilst fur-muffled mothers sat on benches round the rink, +drinking tea and coffee as unconcernedly as though they were at a +garden-party in mid-July instead of in a temperature of zero. An +"Ottawa March" was a great institution. Couples formed up as though for +a country dance, the band struck up some rollicking tune, the leader +shouted his directions, and fifty couples whirled and twirled, and +skated backwards or forwards as he ordered, going through the most +complicated evolutions, in pairs or fours or singly, joining here, +parting there, but all in perfect time. Woe betide the leader should he +lose his head! A hundred people would get tangled up in a hideous +confusion, and there was nothing for it but to begin all over again. +</P> + +<P> +It is curious that in countries like England and Prance, where from the +climatic conditions skating must be a very occasional amusement, there +is a special word for the pastime, and that in Germany and Russia, +where every winter brings its skating as a matter of course, there +should be no word for it. "Skate" in English, and patiner in French, +mean propelling oneself on iron runners over ice, and nothing else; +whereas in German there is only the clumsy compound-word +Schlittschuh-laufen, which means "to run on sledge shoes," and in +Russian it is called in equally roundabout fashion Katatsa-na-konkach, +or literally "to roll on little horses," hardly a felicitous +expression. As a rule people have no word for expressing a thing which +does not come within their own range of experience; for instance, no +one would expect that Arabs, or Somalis, or the inhabitants of the +Sahara would have any equivalent for either skating or tobogganing, nor +do I imagine that the Eskimo have any expression for "sunstroke" or +"heat-apoplexy," but one would have thought that Russians and Germans +might have evolved a word for skating. +</P> + +<P> +Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the extraordinary +difficulty he had found in translating the Bible into Eskimo. It was +useless to talk of corn or wine to a people who did not know even what +they meant, so he had to use equivalents within their powers of +comprehension. Thus in the Eskimo version of the Scriptures the miracle +of Cana of Galilee is described as turning the water into BLUBBER; the +8th verse of the 5th chapter of the First Epistle of St. Peter ran: +"Your adversary the devil, as a roaring Polar BEAR walketh about, +seeking whom he may devour." In the same way "A land flowing with milk +and honey" became "A land flowing with whale's blubber," and throughout +the New Testament the words "Lamb of God" had to be translated "little +Seal of God," as the nearest possible equivalent. The missionary added +that his converts had the lowest opinion of Jonah for not having +utilised his exceptional opportunities by killing and eating the whale. +</P> + +<P> +Fired by the example of the builders of the ice-palace on the rink at +Rideau Hall, I offered to build for the Lansdowne children an ice-hut +for their very own, a chilly domicile which they had ardently longed +for. As it is my solitary achievement as an architect, I must dwell +rather lovingly on the building of this hut. The professional +ice-cutters were bringing up daily a large supply of great gleaming +transparent blocks from the river, both for the building of the +band-house and for the summer supply of Rideau Hall, so there was no +lack of material. On the American continent one is being told so +constantly that this-and-that "will cut no ice," that it is +satisfactory to be able to report that those French-Canadians cut ice +in the most efficient fashion. My sole building implement was a kettle +of boiling water. I placed ice-blocks in a circle, pouring boiling +water between each two blocks to melt the points of contact, and in +half an hour they had frozen into one solid lump. I and a friend +proceeded like this till the ice-walls were about four feet high, +spaces being left for the door and windows. As the blocks became too +heavy to lift, we used great wads of snow in their stead, melting them +with cold water and kneading them into shape with thick woollen gloves, +and so the walls rose. I wanted a snow roof; had we been mediaeval +cathedral builders we might possibly have fashioned a groined and +vaulted snow roof, with ice ribs, but being amateurs, our roof +perpetually collapsed, so we finally roofed the hut with +grooved-and-tongued boards, cutting a hole through them for the +chimney. We then built a brick fire-place, with mantelpiece complete, +ending in an iron chimney. The windows were our great triumph. I filled +large japanned tea-trays two inches deep with water and left them out +to freeze. Then we placed the trays in a hot bath and floated the +sheets of ice off. They broke time and time again, but after about the +twentieth try we succeeded in producing two great sheets of transparent +ice which were fitted into the window-spaces, and firmly cemented in +place with wet snow. Then the completed hut had to be furnished. A +carpenter in Ottawa made me a little dresser, a little table, and +little chairs of plain deal; I bought some cooking utensils, some +enamelled-iron tea-things and plates, and found in Ottawa some crude +oleographs printed on oil-cloth and impervious to damp. These were duly +hung on the snow walls of the hut, and the little girls worked some red +Turkey-twill curtains for the ice windows, and a frill for the +mantelpiece in orthodox south of England cottage style. The boys made a +winding tunnel through the snow-drifts up to the door of the hut, and +Nature did the rest, burying the hut in snow until its very existence +was unsuspected by strangers, though it may be unusual to see clouds of +wood-smoke issuing from an apparent snow-drift. That little house stood +for over three months; it afforded the utmost joy to its youthful +occupiers, and I confess that I took a great paternal pride in it +myself. Really at night, with the red curtains drawn over the ice +windows, with the pictures on its snow walls, a lamp alight and a +roaring log fire blazing on the brick hearth, it was the most +invitingly cosy little place. It is true that with the heat the snow +walls perspired freely, and the roof was apt to drip like a fat man in +August, but it was considered tactful to ignore these details. Here the +children entertained their friends at tea-parties, and made hideous +juvenile experiments in cookery; here, too, "Jerusalem the Golden" was +prepared. It was a simple operation; milk and honey were thoroughly +mixed in a bowl, the bowl was put out to freeze, and the frozen mass +dipped into hot water to loosen it; "Jerusalem the Golden" was then +broken up small, and the toothsome chips eagerly devoured. Those +familiar with the hymn will at once understand the allusion. +</P> + +<P> +Sir John Macdonald, the Prime Minister, was very often at Government +House, and dined there perpetually. When at the Petrograd Embassy, I +was constantly hearing of Sir John from my chief, Lord Dufferin, who +had an immense admiration for him, and considered him the maker of the +Dominion, and a really great statesman. I was naturally anxious to meet +a man of whom I had heard so much. "John A.," as he was universally +known in Canada, had a very engaging personality, and conveyed an +impression of having an enormous reserve of latent force behind his +genial manner. Facially he was reminiscent of Lord Beaconsfield, but +there was nothing very striking about him as an orator: his style was +direct and straightforward. +</P> + +<P> +The Houses of Parliament at Ottawa are a splendid pile of buildings, +and though they may owe a great deal to the wonderful site they occupy +on a semicircular wooded bluff projecting into the river, I should +consider them one of the most successful group of buildings erected +anywhere during the nineteenth century. All the details might not bear +close examination, but the general effect was admirable, especially +that of the great circular library, with its conical roof. In addition +to the Legislative Chambers proper, two flanking buildings in the same +style housed various Administrative departments. Seen from Rideau Hall +in dark silhouette against the sunset sky, the bold outline of the +conical roof of the library and the three tall towers flanking it gave +a sort of picturesque Nuremberg effect to the distant view of Ottawa, +The Parliament buildings proper were destroyed by an incendiary during +the war, but the library and wings escaped. +</P> + +<P> +Everything in the House of Commons was modelled accurately on +Westminster. The Canadian Parliament being bi-lingual, French members +addressed the Speaker as "Monsieur l'Orateur," and the Usher of the +Black Rod of the Senate became "l'Huissier de la Verge Noire." To my +mind there was something intensely comical in addressing a man who +seldom opened his mouth except to cry, "Order, order," as "Monsieur +l'Orateur." A Frenchman from the Province of Quebec seems always to be +chosen as Canadian Speaker. In my time he was a M. Ouiment, the +TWENTY-FIRST child of the same parents, so French Canadians are +apparently not threatened with extinction. I heard in the House of +Commons at Ottawa the most curious peroration I have ever listened to. +It came from the late Nicholas Flood Davin, a member of Irish +extraction who sat for a Far-Western constituency. The House was +debating a dull Bill relating to the lumber industry, when Davin, who +may possibly have been under the influence of temporary excitement, +insisted on speaking. He made a long and absolutely irrelevant speech +in a voice of thunder, and finished with these words, every one of +which I remember: "There are some who declare that Canada's trade is +declining; there are some who maintain that the rich glow of health +which at present mantles o'er Canada's virgin cheek will soon be +replaced by the pallid hues of the corpse. To such pusillanimous +propagandists of a preposterous pessimism, I answer, Mr. Speaker with +all confidence, never! never!" As a rhetorical effort this is striking, +though there seems a lack of lucidity about it. +</P> + +<P> +In the Canadian House of Commons there are a number of little pages who +run errands for members, and fetch them books and papers. These boys +sit on the steps of the Speaker's chair, and when the House adjourns +for dinner the pages hold a "Pages' Parliament." One boy, elected by +the others as Speaker, puts on a gown and seats himself in the +Speaker's chair; the "Prime Minister" and the members of the Government +sit on the Government benches, the Leader of the Opposition with his +supporters take their places opposite and the boys hold regular +debates. Many of the members took great interest in the "Pages' +Parliament," and coached the boys for their debates. I have seen Sir +John Macdonald giving the fourteen-year-old "Premier" points for his +speech that evening. +</P> + +<P> +All-night sittings were far rarer at Ottawa than with us, and +constituted quite an event. Some of us went into the gallery at 5 a.m. +after a dance, to see the end of a long and stormy sitting. The House +was very uproarious. Some member had brought in a cricket-ball, and +they were throwing each other catches across the House. To the credit +of Canadian M.P.'s, I must say that we never saw a single catch missed. +When Sir John rose to close the debate, there were loud cries of, "You +have talked enough, John A. Give us a song instead." "All right," cried +Sir John, "I will give you 'God save the Queen.'" And he forthwith +started it in a lusty voice, all the members joining in. The +introduction of a cricket-ball might brighten all-night sittings in our +own Parliament, though somehow I cannot quite picture to myself Mr. +Asquith throwing catches to Sir Frederick Banbury across the floor of +the House of Commons. +</P> + +<P> +I was once in the gallery of the South African Parliament at Capetown, +after the House had been sitting continuously for twenty hours. The +Speaker had had a stool brought him to rest his legs on, and was fast +asleep in his chair, with his wig all awry. Dutch farmer members from +the Back-Veld were stretched out at full length on the benches in the +lobbies, snoring loudly; in fact, the whole place was a sort of +Parliamentary Pullman Sleeping-car. That splendid man, the late General +Botha, told me that late hours in Parliament upset him terribly, as he +had been used all his life to going early to bed. Though the exterior +of the Capetown Parliament buildings is nothing very wonderful +architecturally, the interior is very handsome, and quite surprisingly +spacious. +</P> + +<P> +The Governor-General gave two evening skating and tobaggoning parties +at Rideau Hall every winter. He termed these gatherings his "Arctic +Cremornes," after the then recently defunct gardens in London, and the +parties were wonderfully picturesque. In those days, though the fashion +now has quite disappeared, all members of snow-shoe and tobogganing +clubs, men and women alike, wore coloured blanket-suits consisting of +knickerbockers and long coats, with bright-coloured stockings, sash, +and knitted toque (invariably pronounced "tuke"). The club colours of +course varied. Rideau Hall was white with purple stockings and "tuke," +and red sash. Others were sky-blue, with scarlet stockings and "tuke," +or crimson and black, or brown and green. A collection of three hundred +people in blanket-suits gave the effect of a peripatetic rainbow +against the white snow. For the "Arctic Cremorne" the rinks were all +fringed with coloured fairy-lamps; the curling-rink and the tea-room +above it were also outlined with innumerable coloured electric bulbs, +and festoons of Japanese lanterns were stretched between the fir trees +in all directions. At the top of the toboggan slides powerful arc-lamps +blazed, and a stupendous bonfire roared on a little eminence. The +effect was indescribably pretty, and it was pleasant to reflect how man +had triumphed over Nature in being able to give an outdoor evening +party in mid-winter with the thermometer below zero. The gleaming +crystals of snow reflecting the coloured lamps; the Bengal lights +staining the white expanse crimson and green, and silhouetting the +outlines of the fir trees in dead black against the burnished steel of +the sky; the crowd of guests in their many-coloured blanket-suits, made +a singularly attractive picture, with a note of absolute novelty in it; +and the crash of the military band, the merry whirr of the skates, and +the roar of the descending toboggans had something extraordinarily +exhilarating about them in the keen, pure air. The supper-room always +struck me as being pleasingly unconventional. Supper was served in the +long, covered curling-rink, where the temperature was the same as that +of the open air outside, so there was a long table elaborately set out +with silver-branched candlesticks and all the Governor-General's fine +collection of plate, but the servants waited in heavy fur-coats and +caps. Of course no flowers could be used in that temperature, so the +silver vases held branches of spruce, hemlock, and other Canadian firs. +The French cook had to be very careful as to what dishes he prepared, +for anything with moisture in it would freeze at once; meringues, for +instance, would be frozen into uneatable cricket-balls, and tea, +coffee, and soup had to simmer perpetually over lamps. One so seldom +has a ball-supper with North Pole surroundings. We had a serious +toboggan accident one night owing to the stupidity of an old Senator, +who insisted on standing in the middle of the track, and the +Aides-de-Camps' room was converted into an operating theatre, and +reeked with the fumes of chloroform. The young man had bad concussion, +and was obliged to remain a week at Rideau Hall, whilst the poor girl +was disfigured for life. +</P> + +<P> +Whilst on the subject of ball-suppers, there was a curious custom +prevailing in Lisbon. Most Portuguese having very limited means, it was +not usual to offer any refreshments whatever to guests at dances; but +when it was done, it took the form of a "tooth-pick-supper" (souper aux +curedents). Small pieces of chicken, tongue, or beef were piled on +plates, each piece skewered with a wooden toothpick. The guests picked +these off the plate by the toothpick, and nibbled the meat away from +it, eating it with slices of bread. This obviated the use of plates, +knives and forks, most Portuguese families having neither sufficient +silver table-plate for an entertainment nor the means to hire any. +There was another reason for this quaint custom. Some Portuguese +are—how shall we put it?—inveterate souvenir-hunters. The Duke of +Palmella, one of the few rich men in Portugal, gave a ball whilst I was +in Lisbon at which the supper was served in the ordinary fashion, with +plates, spoons, knives and forks. It was a matter of common knowledge +in Lisbon that 50 per cent. of the ducal silver spoons and forks had +left the house in the pockets of his Grace's guests, who doubtless +wished to preserve a slight memento of so pleasant an evening. +</P> + +<P> +In a certain Balkan State which I will refrain from naming, the +inhabitants are also confirmed souvenir-hunters. At a dinner-party at +the British Legation in this nameless State, one of the Diplomatic +ladies was wearing a very fine necklace of pearls and enamel. A native +of the State admired this necklace immensely, and begged for permission +to examine it closer. The Diplomat's wife very unwisely unfastened her +pearl necklace, and it was passed around from hand to hand, amidst loud +expressions of admiration at its beautiful workmanship. At the end of +dinner the Diplomatic lady requested that her necklace might be +returned to her, but it was not forthcoming; no one knew anything about +it. The British Minister, who thought that he understood the people of +the country, rose to the occasion. Getting up from his chair, he said +with a smile, "We have just witnessed a very clever and very amusing +piece of legerdemain. Now we are going to see another little piece of +conjuring." The Minister walked quietly to both doors of the room, +locked them, and put the keys in his pocket. He then placed a small +silver bowl from the side-board in the centre of the dinner-table, and +continued: "I am now going to switch off all the lights, and to count +ten slowly. When I have reached ten, I shall turn on the lights again, +and hey presto! Madame de—'s necklace will be found lying in that +silver bowl!" The room became plunged in darkness, and the Minister +counted slowly up to ten. The electric light blazed out again, there +was no necklace, but the silver bowl had vanished! +</P> + +<P> +I have enjoyed the exceptional experience of having inspected many +convents in Canada, even those of the most strictly cloistered Orders. +By long-established custom, the Governor-General's wife has the right +to inspect any convent in Canada on giving twenty-four hours' notice, +and she may take with her any two persons she chooses, of either sex. +My sister was fond of visiting convents, and she often took me with her +as I could speak French. We have thus been in convents of Ursulines, +Poor Clares, Grey Sisters, and in some of those of the more strictly +cloistered Orders. The procedure was always the same. We were ushered +into a beautifully clean, bare, whitewashed parloir, with a highly +polished floor redolent of beeswax. There would be hard benches running +round the parloir, raised on a platform, much after the fashion of +raised benches in a billiard-room. In the centre would be a chair for +the Reverend Mother. We then made polite conversation for a few +minutes, after which coffee (usually compounded of scorched beans, with +no relation whatever to "Coffea Arabica") was handed to us, and we went +over the convent. It was extremely difficult for two Protestants to +find any subject of conversation which could interest a Mother Superior +who knew nothing of the world outside her convent walls, nor was it +easy to find any common ground on which to meet her, all religious +topics being necessarily excluded, I had noticed that the nuns made +frequent allusions to a certain Marie Alacoque. Misled by the +similarity of the sound in French, I, in my ignorance, thought that +this referred to a method of cooking eggs. I learnt later that Marie +Alacoque was a French nun who lived in the seventeenth century, and I +discovered why her memory was so revered by her co-religionists. It was +easy to get a book from the Ottawa Library and to read her up, and +after that conversation became less difficult, for a few remarks about +Marie Alacoque were always appreciated in conventual circles. The +convents were invariably neat and clean, but I was perpetually struck +by the wax-like pallor of the inmates. The elder nuns in the strictly +cloistered Orders were as excited as children over this unexpected +irruption into their convent of two strangers from the world outside, +which they had left for so long. They struck me as most excellent, +earnest women, and they delighted in exhibiting all their treasures, +including the ecclesiastical vestments and their Church plate. They +always made a point of showing us, as an object of great interest, the +flat candlestick of bougie that the Cardinal-Archbishop had used when +he had last celebrated Pontifical High Mass in their chapel. In one +strictly cloistered convent there was a high wooden trellis across the +chapel, so that though the nuns could see the priest at the altar +through the trellis-work, he was unable to see them. In the Convent of +the Grey Sisters at Ottawa we found an old English nun who, in spite of +having spent thirty-five years in a French-Canadian convent, still +retained the strong Cockney accent of her native London. She was a +cheery old soul, and, with another old English nun, had charge of the +wardrobe, which they insisted on showing me. I was gazing at piles of +clothing neatly arranged on shelves, when the old Cockney nun clapped +her hands. "We will dress you up as a Sister," she cried, and they +promptly proceeded to do so. They put me on a habit (largest size) over +my other clothes, chuckling with glee meanwhile, and I was duly draped +in the guimpe, the piece of linen which covers a nun's head and +shoulders and frames her face, called, I believe, in English a +"wimple," and my toilet was complete except for my veil, when, by a +piece of real bad luck, the Reverend Mother and my sister came into the +room. We had no time to hide, so we were caught. Having no moustache, I +flattered myself that I made rather a saintly-looking novice, and I hid +my hands in the orthodox way in my sleeves, but the Mother Superior was +evidently very much put out. The clothes that had come in contact with +my heretical person were ordered to be placed on one side, I presume to +be morally disinfected, and I can only trust that the two old nuns did +not get into serious trouble over their little joke. I am sorry that my +toilet was not completed; I should like to have felt that just for once +in my life I had taken the veil, if for five minutes only. +</P> + +<P> +In the "eighties" the city of Montreal spent large sums over their +Winter Carnival. It attracted crowds of strangers, principally from the +United States, and it certainly stimulated the retail trade of the +city. The Governor-General was in the habit of taking a house in +Montreal for the Carnival, and my brother-in-law was lent the home of a +hospitable sugar magnate. The dining-room of this house, in which its +owner had allowed full play to his Oriental imagination and love of +colour, was so singular that it merits a few words of description. The +room was square, with a domed ceiling. It was panelled in polished +satinwood to a height of about five feet. Above the panelling were +placed twelve owls in carved and silvered wood, each one about two feet +high, supporting gas-standards. Rose-coloured silk was stretched from +the panelling up to the heavy frieze, consisting of "swags" of fruit +and foliage modelled in high relief, and brilliantly coloured in their +natural hues. The domed ceiling was painted sky-blue, covered with +golden stars, gold and silver suns and moons, and the signs of the +Zodiac. I may add that the effect of this curious apartment was not +such as to warrant any one trying to reproduce it. The house also +contained a white marble swimming bath; an unnecessary adjunct, I +should have thought, to a dwelling built for winter occupation in +Montreal. +</P> + +<P> +The Ice-Castle erected by the Municipality was really a joy to the eye. +It was rather larger than, say, the Westminster Guildhall, and had a +tower eighty feet high. It was an admirable reproduction of a Gothic +castle, designed and built by a competent architect, with barbican, +battlements, and machiocolaions all complete, the whole of gleaming, +transparent ice-blocks, a genuine thing of beauty. One of the principal +events of the Carnival was the storming of the Ice-Castle by the +snow-shoe clubs of Montreal. Hundreds of snow-shoers, in their +rainbow-hued blanket suits, advanced in line on the castle and fired +thousands of Roman candles at their objective, which returned the fire +with rockets innumerable, and an elaborate display of fireworks, +burning continually Bengal lights of various colours within its +translucent walls, and spouting gold and silver rain on its assailants. +It really was a gorgeous feast of colour for the eye, a most entrancing +spectacle, with all this polychrome glow seen against the dead-white +field of snow which covered Dominion Square, in the crystal clearness +of a Canadian winter night, with the thermometer down anywhere. +</P> + +<P> +Another annual feature of the Carnival was the great fancy-dress +skating fete in the covered rink. The Victoria Rink at Montreal is a +huge building, and was profusely decorated for the occasion with the +usual flags, wreaths of artificial foliage, and coloured lamps. An +American sculptor had modelled six colossal groups of statuary out of +wet snow, and these were ranged down either side of the rink. As they +froze, they took on the appearance and texture of white marble, and +were very effective. Round a cluster of arc-lights in the roof there +was a sort of revolving cage of different coloured panes of glass; +these threw variegated beams of light over the brilliant kaleidoscopic +crowd below. Previous Governors-General had, in opening the fete +shuffled shamefacedly down the centre of the rink in overshoes and fur +coats to the dais, but Lord and Lady Lansdowne, being both expert +skaters, determined to do the thing in proper Carnival style, and +arrived in fancy dress, he in black as a Duke of Brunswick, she as Mary +Queen of Scots, attended by her two boys, then twelve and fourteen +years old, as pages, resplendent in crimson tights and crimson velvet. +The band struck up "God Save the Queen," and down the cleared space in +the centre skimmed, hand-in-hand, the Duke of Brunswick and Mary Queen +of Scots, with the two pages carrying her train, all four executing a +"Dutch roll" in the most workman-like manner. It was really a very +effective entrance, and was immensely appreciated by the crowd of +skaters present. I represented a Shakespearean character, and had +occasion to note what very inadequate protection is afforded by blue +silk tights, with nothing under them, against the cold of a Canadian +February. One of the Aides-de-Camp had arrayed himself in white silk as +Romeo; being only just out from England, he was anything but firm on +his skates. Some malicious young Montrealers of tender age, noticing +this, deliberately bumped into him again and again, sending his +conspicuous white figure spinning each time. Poor Romeo's experiences +were no more fortunate on the rink than in the tragedy associated with +his name; by the end of the evening, after his many tumbles, his +draggled white silk dress suggested irresistibly the plumage of a +soiled dove. +</P> + +<P> +A hill (locally known as "The Mountain") rises immediately behind +Montreal, the original Mont Real, or Mount Royal, from which the city +derives its name. This naturally lends itself to the formation of +toboggan slides, and one of them, the "Montreal Club Slide," was really +terrifically steep. The start was precipitous enough, in all +conscience, but soon came a steep drop of sixty feet, at which point +all the working parts of one's anatomy seemed to leave one, to replace +themselves at the finish only. The pace was so tremendous that it was +difficult to breathe, but it was immensely exciting. The Montreal slide +was just one-third of a mile long, and the time occupied in the descent +on good ice was about twenty seconds, working out at sixty miles an +hour. Every precaution was taken against accidents; there was a +telephone from the far end, and no toboggan was allowed to start until +"track clear" had been signalled. Everything in this world is relative. +We had thought our Ottawa slides very fast, though the greatest speed +we ever attained was about thirty miles an hour, whilst at home we had +been delighted if we could coax fifteen miles an hour out of our rough +machines. The Lansdowne boys were very expert on toboggans, and could +go down the Ottawa slides standing erect, a thing no adult could +possibly manage. They had fitted their machines with gong-bells and red +and green lanterns, and the "Ottawa River Express" would come whizzing +down at night with bells clanging and lights gleaming. +</P> + +<P> +I can claim to be the absolute pioneer of ski on the American +continent, for in January, 1887, I brought my Russian ski to Ottawa, +the very first pair that had ever been seen in the New World. I coasted +down hills on them amidst universal jeers; every one declared that they +were quite unsuited to Canadian conditions. The old-fashioned raquettes +had their advantages, for one could walk over the softest snow in them. +Here, again, I fancy that it was the sense of man triumphant over +Nature that made snow-shoeing so attractive. The Canadian snow-shoe +brings certain unaccustomed muscles into play, and these muscles show +their resentment by aching furiously. The French habitants term this +pain mal de raquettes. In my time snow-shoe tramps at night, +across-country into the woods, were one of the standard winter +amusements of Ottawa, and the girls showed great dexterity in vaulting +fences with their snow-shoes on. +</P> + +<P> +A Canadian winter is bathed in sunshine. In the dry, crisp atmosphere +distant objects are as clear-cut and hard as though they were carved +out of wood; the air is like wine, and with every breath human beings +seem to enter on a new lease of life. +</P> + +<P> +It is not so in the lower world. There is not a bird to be seen, for no +bird could secure a living with three feet of snow on the ground. +Nature is very dead, and I understood the glee with which the children +used to announce the return of the crows, for these wise birds are the +unfailing harbingers of Spring. With us Spring is undecided, fickle, +and coy. She is not sure of herself, and after making timid, tentative +advances, retreats again, uncertain as to her ability to cope with grim +Winter. In Canada, Spring comes with an all-conquering rush. In one +short fortnight she clothes the trees in green, and carpets the ground +with blue and white hepaticas. She is also, unfortunately, accompanied +by myriads of self-appointed official maids-of-honour in the shape of +mosquitoes, anxious to make up for their long winter fast. As the +fierce suns of April melt the surface snow, the water percolates +through to the ground, where it freezes again, forming a sheet of what +Canadians term "glare-ice." I have seen at Rideau Hall this ice split +in all directions over the flower-beds by the first tender shoots of +the crocuses. How these fragile little spears of green have the power +to penetrate an inch of ice is one of the mysteries of Nature. +</P> + +<P> +Would space admit of it, and were paper not such an unreasonably +expensive commodity just now, I would like to speak of the glories of a +Canadian wood in May, with the ground flecked with red and white +trilliums; of the fields in British Columbia, gorgeous in spring-time +with blue lilies and drifts of rose-coloured cyclamens; of the autumn +woods in their sumptuous dress of scarlet, crimson, orange, and yellow, +the sugar-maples blazing like torches against the dark firs; of the +marvels of the three ranges of the Rockies, Selkirks, and Cascades, and +of the other wonders of the great Dominion. +</P> + +<P> +As boys, I and my youngest brother knew "Hiawatha's Fishing" almost by +heart, so I had an intense desire to see "Gitche Gumee, the Big-Sea +Water," which we more prosaically call Lake Superior, the home of the +sturgeon "Nahma," of "Ugudwash" the sun-fish, of the pike the +"Maskenozha," and the actual scene of Hiawatha's fishing. To others, +without this sentimental interest, the Great Lakes might appear vast +but uninteresting expanses of water, chiefly remarkable for the hideous +form of vessel which has been evolved to navigate their clear depths. +</P> + +<P> +One thing I can say with confidence. No one who makes a winter journey +to that land of sunshine and snow, with its energetic, pleasant, and +hospitable inhabitants, will ever regret it, and the wayfarer will +return home with the consciousness of having been in contact with an +intensely virile race, only now beginning to realise its own strength. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap10"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER X +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Calcutta—Hooghly pilots—Government House—A Durbar—The sulky +Rajah—The customary formalities—An ingenious interpreter—The sailing +clippers in the Hooghly-Calcutta Cathedral—A succulent banquet—The +mistaken Ministre—The "Gordons"—Barrackpore—A Swiss Family Robinson +aerial house—The child and the elephants—The merry midshipmen—Some +of their escapades—A huge haul of fishes—Queen Victoria and +Hindustani—The Hills—The Manipur outbreak—A riding tour—A wise old +Anglo-Indian—Incidents—The fidelity of native servants—A novel +printing-press—Lucknow—The loss of an illusion. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +Lord Lansdowne had in 1888 been transferred from Canada to India, and +in May of that year he left Ottawa for Calcutta, taking on the way a +three months' well-earned holiday in England. Two of his staff +accompanied him from the vigorous young West to the immemorially old +East. +</P> + +<P> +He succeeded as Viceroy Lord Dufferin, who had also held the +appointment of Governor-General of Canada up to 1878, after which he +had served as British Ambassador both at Petrograd and at +Constantinople, before proceeding to India in 1884. +</P> + +<P> +Lord Minto, too, in later years filled both positions, serving in +Canada from 1898 to 1904, and in India from 1905 to 1910. +</P> + +<P> +Whether in 1690 Job Charnock made a wise selection in fixing his +trading-station where Calcutta now stands, may be open to doubt. He +certainly had the broad Hooghly at his doors, affording plenty of water +not only for trading-vessels, but also for men-of-war in cases of +emergency. Still, from the swampy nature of the soil, and its proximity +to the great marshes of the Sunderbunds, Calcutta could never be a +really healthy place. An arrival by water up the Hooghly unquestionably +gives the most favourable impression of the Indian ex-capital, though +the river banks are flat and uninteresting. The Hooghly is one of the +most difficult rivers in the world to navigate, for the shoals and +sand-banks change almost daily with the strong tides, and the white +Hooghly pilots are men at the very top of their profession, and earn +some L2000 a year apiece. They are tremendous swells, and are perfectly +conscious of the fact, coming on board with their native servants and +their white "cub" or pupil. There is one shoal in particular, known as +the "James and Mary," on which a ship, touching ever so lightly, is as +good as lost. Calcutta, since I first knew it, has become a great +manufacturing centre. Lines of factories stand for over twenty miles +thick on the left bank of the river; the great pall of black smoke +hanging over the city is visible for miles, and the atmosphere is +beginning to rival that of Manchester. Long use has accustomed us to +the smoke-blackened elms and limes of London, but there is something +peculiarly pathetic in the sight of a grimy, sooty palm tree. +</P> + +<P> +The outward aspect of the stately Government House at Calcutta is +familiar to most people. It is a huge and imposing edifice, but when I +first knew it, its interior was very plain, and rather bare. Lady Minto +changed all this during her husband's Vice-royalty, and, with her +wonderful taste, transformed it into a sort of Italian palace at a very +small cost. She bought in Europe a few fine specimens of old Italian +gilt furniture, and had them copied in Calcutta by native workmen. In +the East, the Oriental point of view must be studied, and Easterns +attach immense importance to external splendour. The throne-room at +Calcutta, under Lady Minto's skilful treatment, became gorgeous enough +for the most exacting Asiatic, with its black marble floor, its +rose-coloured silk walls where great silver sconces alternated with +full-length portraits of British sovereigns, its white "chunam" columns +and its gilt Italian furniture. "Chunam" has been used in India from +time immemorial for decorative purposes. It is as white as snow and +harder than any stone, and is, I believe, made from calcined shells. +Let us suppose a Durbar held in this renovated throne-room for the +official reception of a native Indian Prince. The particular occasion I +have in mind was long after Lord Lansdowne's time, when a certain +Rajah, notoriously ill-disposed towards the British Raj, had been given +the strongest of hints that unless he mended his ways, he might find +another ruler placed on the throne of his State. He was also +recommended to come to Calcutta and to pay his respects to the Viceroy +there, when, of course, he would be received with the number of guns to +which he was entitled. The Indian Princes attach the utmost importance +to the number of guns they are given as a salute, a number which varies +from twenty-one in the case of the Nizam of Hyderabad, who alone ranks +as a Sovereign, to nine for the smaller princes. Should the British +Government wish to mark its strong displeasure with any native ruler, +it sometimes does so by reducing the number of guns of his salute, and +correspondingly, to have the number increased is a high honour. Sulkily +and unwillingly the Rajah of whom I am thinking journeyed to Calcutta, +and sulkily and unwillingly did he attend the Durbar. On occasions such +as these, visiting native Princes are the guests of the Government of +India at Hastings House (Warren Hastings' old country house in the +suburbs of Calcutta, specially renovated and fitted up for the +purpose), and the Viceroy's state carriages are sent to convey them to +Government House. Everything in the way of ceremonial in India is done +strictly by rule. The precise number of steps the Viceroy will advance +to greet visiting Rajahs is all laid down in a little book. The Nizam +of Hyderabad is met by the Viceroy with all his staff at the state +entrance of Government House, and he is accompanied through all the +rooms, both on his arrival and on his departure; but, as I said before, +the Nizam ranks as a Sovereign. In the case of lesser lights the +Viceroy advances anything from three to twenty steps. These points may +appear very trivial to Europeans, but to Orientals they assume great +importance, and, after all, India is a part of Asia. At right angles to +the Calcutta throne-room is the fine Marble Hall, with marble floor and +columns and an entirely gilt ceiling; empty except for six colossal +busts of Roman Emperors, which, together with a number of splendid +cut-glass chandeliers of the best French Louis XV. period, and a +full-length portrait of Louis XV. himself, fell into our hands through +the fortunes of war at a time when our relations with our present film +ally, France, were possibly less cordial than at present. For a Durbar +a long line of red carpet was laid from the throne-room, through the +Marble Hall and the White Hall beyond it, right down the great flight +of exterior steps, at the foot of which a white Guard of Honour of one +hundred men from a British regiment was drawn up, Aligned through the +outer hall, the Marble Hall and the throne-room were one hundred men of +the Viceroy's Bodyguard, splendid fellows chosen for their height and +appearance, and all from Northern India. They wore the white leather +breeches and jack-boots of our own Life Guards, with scarlet tunics and +huge turbans of blue and gold, standing with their lances as motionless +as so many bronze statues. For a Durbar, many precious things were +unearthed from the "Tosha-Khana," or Treasury: the Viceroy's +silver-gilt throne; an arm-chair of solid silver for the visiting +Rajah; great silver-gilt maces bearing & crown and "V.R.I."; and, above +all, the beautiful Durbar carpets of woven gold wire. The making of +these carpets is, I believe, an hereditary trade in a Benares family; +they are woven of real gold wire, heavily embroidered in gold +afterwards, and are immensely expensive. The visiting Rajah announces +beforehand the number of the suite he is bringing with him, and the +Viceroy has a precisely similar number, so two corresponding rows of +cane arm-chairs are placed opposite each other, at right angles to the +throne. Behind the chairs twelve resplendent red-and-gold-coated +servants with blue-and-silver turbans, hold the gilt maces aloft, +whilst behind the throne eight more gorgeously apparelled natives hold +two long-handled fans of peacock's feathers, two silver-mounted yak's +tails, and two massive sheaves of peacock's feathers, all these being +the Eastern emblems of sovereignty. +</P> + +<P> +We will suppose this particular Rajah to be a "nine-gun" and a +"three-step" man. Bang go the cannon from Fort William nine times, and +the Viceroy, in full uniform with decorations, duly advances three +steps on the gold carpet to greet his visitor. The Viceroy seats +himself on his silver-gilt throne at the top of the three steps, the +visiting Rajah in his silver chair being one step lower. The two suites +seat themselves facing each other in dead silence; the Europeans +assuming an absolutely Oriental impassivity of countenance. The +ill-conditioned Rajah, though he spoke English perfectly, had insisted +on bringing his own interpreter with him. A long pause in conformity +with Oriental etiquette follows, then the Viceroy puts the first +invariable question: "I trust that your Highness is in the enjoyment of +good health?" which is duly repeated in Urdu by the official white +interpreter. The sulky Rajah grunts something that sounds like "Bhirrr +Whirrr," which the native interpreter renders, in clipped staccato +English, as "His Highness declares that by your Excellency's favour his +health is excellent. Lately, owing to attack of fever, it was with His +Highness what Immortal Bard has termed a case of 'to be or not to be!' +Now, danger happily averted, His Highness has seldom reposed under the +canopy of a sounder brain than at present." Another long pause, and the +second invariable question: "I trust that your Highness' Army is in its +usual efficient state?" The surly Rajah, "Khirr Virr." The native +interpreter, "Without doubt His Highness' Army has never yet been so +efficient. Should troubles arise, or a pretty kettle of fish +unfortunately occur, His Highness places his entire Army at your +Excellency's disposal; as Swan of Avon says, 'Come the three corners of +the world in arms, and we shall shock them.'" A third question, "I +trust that the crops in your Highness' dominion are satisfactory?" The +Rajah, "Ghirrr Firrr." The interpreter, "Stimulated without doubt by +your Excellency's auspicious visit to neighbouring State, the soil in +His Highness' dominions has determined to beat record and to go regular +mucker. Crops tenfold ordinary capacity are springing from the ground +everywhere." One has seen a conjurer produce half a roomful of paper +flowers from a hat, or even from an even less promising receptacle, but +no conjurer was in it with that interpreter, who from two sulky +monosyllabic grunts evolved a perfect garland of choice Oriental +flowers of speech. It reminded me of the process known in newspaper +offices as "expanding" a telegram. When the customary number of formal +questions have been put, the Viceroy makes a sign to his Military +Secretary, who brings him a gold tray on which stand a little gold +flask and a small box; the traditional "Attar and pan." The Viceroy +sprinkles a few drops of attar of roses on the Rajah's clothing from +the gold flask, and hands him a piece of betel-nut wrapped in gold +paper, known as "pan." This is the courteous Eastern fashion of saying +"Now I bid you good-bye." The Military Secretary performs a like office +to the members of the Rajah's suite, who, however, have to content +themselves with attar sprinkled from a silver bottle and "pans" wrapped +in silver paper. Then all the traditional requirements of Oriental +politeness have been fulfilled, and the Rajah takes his leave with the +same ceremonies as attended his arrival. At the beginning of a Durbar +"tribute" is presented—that is to say that a folded napkin supposed to +contain one thousand gold mohurs is handed to the Viceroy, who "touches +it and remits it." I have often wondered what that folded napkin really +contained. +</P> + +<P> +When I first knew Calcutta, most of the grain, jute, hemp and indigo +exported was carried to its various destinations in sailing-ships, and +there were rows and rows of splendid full-rigged ships and barques +lying moored in the Hooghly along the whole length of the Maidan. The +line must have extended for two miles, and I never tired of looking at +these beautiful vessels with their graceful lines and huge spars, all +clean and spick and span with green and white paint, the ubiquitous +Calcutta crows perched in serried ranks on their yards. To my mind a +full-rigged ship is the most beautiful object man has ever devised, and +when the dusk was falling, with every spar and rope outlined in black +against the vivid crimson of the short-lived Indian sunset, the long +line of shipping made a glorious picture. Nineteen years later every +sailing-ship had disappeared from the Hooghly, and in their place were +rows of unsightly, rusty-sided iron tanks, with squat polemasts and +ugly funnels vomiting black smoke. A tramp-steamer has its uses, no +doubt, but it is hardly a thing of beauty. Ichabod! Ichabod! +</P> + +<P> +Calcutta is fortunate in having so fine a lung as the great stretch of +the Maidan. It has been admirably planted and laid out, with every palm +of tree of aggressively Indian appearance carefully excluded from its +green expanse, so it wears a curiously home-like appearance. The Maidan +is very reminiscent of Hyde Park, though almost double its size. There +is one spot, where the Gothic spire of the cathedral emerges from a +mass of greenery, with a large sheet of water in the foreground, which +recalls exactly the view over Bayswater from the bridge spanning the +Serpentine. +</P> + +<P> +Considering that Calcutta Cathedral was built in 1840; that it was +designed by an Engineer officer, and not by an architect; that its +"Gothic" is composed of cast-iron and stucco instead of stone, it is +really not such a bad building. The great size of its interior gives it +a certain dignity, and owing to the generosity of the European +community, it is most lavishly adorned with marbles, mosaics, and +stained glass. It possesses the finest organ in Asia, and a really +excellent choir, the men Europeans, the boys being Eurasians. These +small half-castes have very sweet voices, with a curious and not +unpleasing metallic timbre about them. At evening service in the +cathedral, should one ignore such details as the rows of electric +punkahs, the temperature, and the dingy complexions of the choir-boys, +it was almost impossible to realise that one was not in England. I had +been used to singing in a church choir, and it was pleasant to hear +such familiar cathedral services as Garrett in D, Smart in F, Walmisley +in D minor, and Hopkins in F, so perfectly rendered seven thousand +miles away from home, thanks to that excellent musician, Dr. Slater, +the cathedral organist. +</P> + +<P> +St. Andrew's Scottish Presbyterian Church stands in its own wooded +grounds in which there are two large ponds, or, as Anglo-Indians would +put it, it stands in a compound with large tanks. The church is +consequently infested with mosquitoes. The last time that I was in +Calcutta, the Gordon Highlanders had just relieved an English regiment +in the fort, and on the first Sunday after their arrival, four hundred +Gordons were marched to a parade service at St. Andrew's. The most +optimistic mosquito had never in his wildest dreams imagined such a +succulent banquet as that afforded by four hundred bare-kneed, kilted +Highlanders, and the mosquitoes made the fullest use of their unique +opportunity. Soon the church resounded with the vigorous slapping of +hands on bare knees and thighs, as the men endeavoured to kill a few of +their little tormentors. The minister, hearing the loud clapping, but +entirely misapprehending its purport, paused in his sermon, and said, +"My brethren, it is varra gratifying to a minister of the Word to learn +that his remarks meet with the approbation of his hearers, but I'd have +you remember that all applause is strictly oot of place in the Hoose of +God." +</P> + +<P> +The Gordon Highlanders were originally raised by my great-grandfather, +the fourth Duke of Gordon, in 1794, or perhaps more accurately, by my +great-grandmother, Jean, the beautiful Duchess of Gordon. Duchess Jean, +then in the height of her beauty, attended every market in the towns +round Gordon Castle, and kissed every recruit who took the guinea she +offered. The French Republic had declared war on Great Britain in 1793, +and the Government had made an urgent appeal for fresh levies of +troops. Duchess Jean, by her novel osculatory methods, raised the +Gordons in four months. My father and mother were married at Gordon +Castle in 1832, and the wedding guests grew so excessively convivial +that they carried everything on the tables at the wedding breakfast, +silver plate, glass, china, and all, down to the bridge at Fochabers, +and threw them into the Spey. We may congratulate ourselves on the fact +that it is no longer incumbent on wedding guests to drink the health of +the newly married couple so fervently, and that a proportional saving +in table fittings can thus be effected. +</P> + +<P> +Barrackpore, the Viceroy's country place, is unquestionably a pleasant +spot, with its fine park and famous gardens. Like the Maidan in +Calcutta Barrackpore is a very fairly successful attempt at reproducing +England in Asia. With a little make-believe and a determined attempt to +ignore the grotesque outlines of a Hindoo temple standing on the +confines of the park, and the large humps on the backs of the grazing +cattle like the steam domes on railway engines, it might be possible to +imagine oneself at home, until the illusion is shattered in quite +another fashion. There is an excellent eighteen-hole golf course in +Barrackpore park, but when you hear people talking of the second +"brown" there can be no doubt but that you are in Asia. A "green" would +be a palpable misnomer for the parched grass of an Indian dry season, +still a "brown" comes as a shock at first. The gardens merit their +reputation. There are innumerable ponds, or "tanks," of lotus and +water-lilies of every hue: scarlet, crimson, white, and pure sky-blue, +the latter an importation from Australia. When these are in flower they +are a lovely sight, and perhaps compensate for the myriads of +mosquitoes who find in these ponds an ideal breeding-place, and assert +their presence day and night most successfully. There are great drifts +of Eucharis lilies growing under the protecting shadows of the trees +along shady walks, and the blaze of colour in the formal garden +surrounding the white marble fountain in front of the house is +positively dazzling. The house was built especially as a hot-weather +residence, and as such is not particularly successful, for it is one of +the hottest buildings in the whole of India. The dining-room is in the +centre of the house, and has no windows whatever; an arrangement which, +though it may shut out the sun, also excludes all fresh air as well. +The bedrooms extend up through two storeys, and are so extremely lofty +that one has the sensation of sleeping in a lift-shaft. Apart from its +heat, the house has a dignified old-world air about it, with vague +hints of Adam decoration in its details. +</P> + +<P> +The establishment of Government House consisted of five hundred and +twenty servants, all natives, so it could not be termed short-handed. +With so many men, the apparently impossible could be undertaken. Lord +Lansdowne left Calcutta for Barrackpore every Saturday afternoon. As +soon as we had gone into luncheon at Calcutta on the Saturday, perfect +armies of men descended on the private part of the house and packed up +all the little things about the rooms into big cases. An hour later +they were on their way up the river by steamer, and when we arrived at +Barrackpore for tea, the house looked as though it had been lived in +for weeks, with every object reposing on the tables in precisely the +same position it had occupied earlier in the day in Calcutta. Late on +Sunday night this process was reversed for the return journey at seven +on Monday morning. The Viceroy had a completely fitted-up office in his +smart little white-and-gold yacht, and was able to get through a great +deal of work on his voyage down the Hooghly before breakfast on Monday +mornings. A conscientious Viceroy of India is one of the hardest-worked +men in the world, for he frequently has ten hours of office work in the +day, irrespective of his other duties. +</P> + +<P> +An enormous banyan tree stands on the lawn at Barrackpore. I should be +afraid to say how much ground it covers; perhaps nearly an acre, for +these trees throw down aerial suckers which form into fresh trunks, and +so spread indefinitely. Lady Lansdowne thought she would have a bamboo +house built in this great banyan tree for her little daughter, the same +little girl for whom I had built the snow-hut at Ottawa, for she +happens to be my god-daughter. It was to be a sort of "Swiss Family +Robinson" tree-house, infinitely superior to the house on the tree-tops +of Kensington Gardens, which Wendy destined for Peter Pan. The house +was duly built, with bamboo staircases, and little fenced-off bamboo +platforms fitted with seats and tables, at different levels up the +tree. The Swiss Family Robinson would have gone mad with jealousy at +seeing such a desirable aerial abode, so immeasurably preferable to +their own, and even Wendy might have felt a mild pang of envy. When the +house was completed, one of the Aides-de-Camp inspected it and found a +snake hanging by its tail from a branch right over one of the little +aerial platforms. He reported that the tree was full of snakes. The +risk was too great to run, so prompt orders were given to demolish the +house, and the little girl never enjoyed her tree-top playground. +</P> + +<P> +The Viceroy's State elephants were all kept at Barrackpore, and the +elephant-lines had a great attraction for children, especially for a +small great-nephew of mine, now a Lieut.-Colonel, and the father of a +family, then aged six. The child was very fearless, but the only +elephant he was allowed to approach was a venerable tusker named +"Warren Hastings," the very identical elephant on which Warren Hastings +made his first entry into Calcutta. "Warren" was supposed to be nearly +200 years old, and his temper could be absolutely relied on. It is +curious that natives, in speaking of a quiet, good-tempered animal, +always speak of him as "poor" (gharib). The little boy was perpetually +feeding Warren Hastings with oranges and bananas, and the two became +great friends. It was a pretty sight seeing the fearless small boy in +his white suit, bare legs, and little sun-helmet, standing in front of +the great beast who could have crushed him to a wafer in one second, +and ordering him in the vernacular, with his shrill child's voice, to +kneel. It was a more curious sight seeing the huge animal at once obey +his little mentor, and, struggling with the infirmities and rheumatic +joints of old age (to which, alas! others besides elephants are +subject), lower himself painfully on to his knees. "Salaam karo" +("Salute me"), piped the white child, and the great pachyderm instantly +obeyed, lifting his trunk high in salute; which, if you think it out, +may have a certain symbolism about it. +</P> + +<P> +It was the same small boy who on returning to England at the age of +seven, after five years in India, looked out of the windows of the +carriage with immense interest, as they drove through London from +Charing Cross station. "Mother," he piped at length, "this is a very +odd country! All the natives seem to be white here." +</P> + +<P> +My little great-nephew was immensely petted by the native servants, and +as he could speak the vernacular with greater ease than English, he +picked up from the servants the most appalling language, which he +innocently repeated, entailing his frequent chastisement. +</P> + +<P> +I can sympathise with the child there, for at the age of nine, in +Dublin, I became seized with an intense but short-lived desire to +enlist as a trumpeter in a Lancer regiment. Seeing one day a real live, +if diminutive, Lancer trumpeter listening to the band playing in the +Castle yard, I ran down and consulted him as to the best means of +attaining my desire. The small trumpeter was not particularly +intelligent, and was unable to help me. Though of tender years, he was +regrettably lacking in refinement, for his conversation consisted +chiefly of an endless repetition of three or four words, not one of +which I had ever heard before. Carefully treasuring these up, as having +a fine martial smack about them suitable to the military career I then +proposed embracing, I, in all innocence, fired off one of the +trumpeter's full-flavoured expressions at my horror-stricken family +during luncheon, to be at once ordered out of the room, and severely +punished afterwards. We all know that "what the soldier said" is not +legal evidence; in this painful fashion I also learnt that "what the +trumpeter said" is not held to be a valid excuse for the use of bad +language by a small boy. +</P> + +<P> +In the late autumn of 1890 Admiral Sir Edmund Fremantle brought his +flagship, the Boadicea, right up the Hooghly, and moored her alongside +the Maidan. The ship remained there for six weeks, the Admiral taking +up his quarters at Government House. My sister Lady Lansdowne had a +mistaken weakness for midshipmen, whom she most inappropriately termed +"those dear little fellows." At that time midshipmen went to sea at +fifteen years of age, so they were much younger than at present. As +these boys were constantly at Government House, four of us thought that +we would lend the midshipmen our ponies for an early morning ride. The +boys all started off at a gallop, and every one of them was bolted with +as soon as he reached the Maidan. As they had no riding-breeches, their +trousers soon rucked up, exhibiting ample expanses of bare legs; they +had no notion of riding, but managed to stick on somehow by clinging to +pommel and mane, banging here into a sedate Judge of the High Court, +with an apologetic "Sorry, sir, but this swine of a pony won't steer;" +barging there into a pompous Anglo-Indian official, as they yelled to +their ponies, "Easy now, dogs-body, or you'll unship us both;" +galloping as hard as their ponies could lay legs to the ground, +cannoning into half the white inhabitants of Calcutta, but always with +imperturbable good-humour. When their panting ponies tried to pull up +to recover their wind a little, these rising hopes of the British Navy +kicked them with their heels into a gallop again, shouting strange +nautical oaths, and grinning from ear to ear with delight, until +finally four ponies lathered in sweat, in the last stages of +exhaustion, returned to Government House, and four dripping boys +alighted, declaring that they had had the time of their lives in spite +of a considerable loss of cuticle. It was the same at the dances at +Government House. The smart young subalterns simply weren't in it; the +midshipmen got all the best partners, and, to do them justice, they +could dance very well. They started with the music and whirled their +partners round the room at the top of their speed, in the furnace +temperature of Calcutta, without drawing rein for one second until the +band stopped, when a dishevelled and utterly exhausted damsel collapsed +limply into a chair, whilst a deliquescent brass-buttoned youth, with a +sodden wisp of white linen and black silk round his neck to indicate +the spot where he had once possessed a collar and tie, endeavoured to +fan his partner into some semblance of coolness again. +</P> + +<P> +Lady Lansdowne having invited eight midshipmen to spend a Sunday at +Barrackpore, they arrived there by launch with a drag net, which the +Viceroy had given them leave to use on the largest of the ponds. My +sister at once set them down to play lawn-tennis, hoping to work off +some of their superfluous energy in this way. In honour of the +occasion, the midshipmen had extracted their best white flannels from +their chests, and they proceeded to array themselves in these. The +Boadicea, however, had been two years in commission, the flannels were +two years old, and the lads were just at the age when they were growing +most rapidly. They squeezed themselves with great difficulty into their +shrunken garments, which looked more like tights than trousers, every +button and seam obviously strained to the bursting point, and set to +work playing tennis with their accustomed vigour. Soon there was a +sound of rending cloth, and the senior midshipman, a portly youth of +Teutonic amplitude of outline, lay down flat on his back on the lawn. A +minute later there was a similar sound, and another boy lay down on his +back and remained there, and a third lad quickly followed their +example. A charming lady had noticed this from the verandah above, and +ran down in some alarm, fearing that these young Nelsons had got +sunstrokes. Somewhat confusedly they assured her that they were quite +well, but might they, please, have three rugs brought them. Otherwise +it was impossible for them to move. With some difficulty three rugs +were procured, and, enveloped in them, they waddled off to their +bungalow to assume more decent apparel. A few minutes later there were +two more similar catastrophes (these garments all seemed to split in +precisely the same spot), and the supply of rugs being exhausted, these +boys had to retreat to their bungalow walking backwards like +chamberlains at a Court function. After luncheon, in the burning heat +of Bengal, most sensible people keep quiet in the shade, but the +midshipmen went off to inspect the great tank, and to decide how they +should drag it. +</P> + +<P> +Soon we heard loud shoutings from the direction of the tank, and saw a +long string of native servants carrying brown chatties of hot water +towards the pond. We found that the courteous House-Baboo had informed +the midshipmen that the holes in the banks of the tank were the winter +rest-places of cobras. It then occurred to the boys that it would be +capital fun to pour hot water down the holes, and to kill the cobras +with sticks as they emerged from them. It was a horribly dangerous +amusement, for, one bad shot, and the Royal Navy would unquestionably +have had to mourn the loss of a promising midshipman in two hours' +time. When we arrived the snake-killing was over, and the boys were all +refreshing themselves with large cheroots purloined from the +dining-room on their behalf by a friendly kitmutgar. The dragging of +the tank was really a wonderful sight. As the net reached the far end +it was one solid mass of great shining, blue-grey fish, of about thirty +pounds weight each. The most imaginative artist in depicting the +"Miraculous Draught of Fishes" never approached the reality of +Barrackpore, or pictured such vast quantities of writhing, silvery +finny creatures. They were a fish called cattla by the natives, a +species of carp, with a few eels and smaller fish of a bright red +colour thrown in amongst them. I could never have believed that one +pond could have held such incredible quantities of fish. The Viceroy, +an intrepid pioneer in gastronomic matters, had a great cattla boiled +for his dinner. The first mouthful defeated him; he declared that the +consistency of the fish was that of an old flannel shirt, and the taste +a compound of mud and of the smell of a covered racquet-court. A lady +insisted on presenting the midshipmen with two dozen bottles of a very +good champagne for the Gun-room Mess. In the innocence of her heart she +thought that the champagne would last them for a year, but on New +Year's Eve the little lambs had a great celebration on board, and drank +the whole two dozen at one sitting. As there were exactly eighteen of +them, this made a fair allowance apiece; they all got exceedingly +drunk, and the Admiral stopped their leave for two months, so we saw no +more of them. They were quite good boys really though, like all their +kind, rather over-full of high spirits. +</P> + +<P> +As is well known, Queen Victoria celebrated her seventieth birthday by +commencing the study of Hindustani under the tuition of a skilled +Moonshee. At the farewell audience the Queen gave my sister, Her +Majesty, on learning that Lady Lansdowne intended to begin learning +Hindustani as soon as she reached India, proposed that they should +correspond occasionally in Urdu, to test the relative progress they +were making. Every six months or so a letter from the Queen, +beautifully written in Persian characters, reached Calcutta, to which +my sister duly replied. In strict confidence, I may say that I strongly +suspect that Lady Lansdowne's letters were written by her Moonshee, and +that she merely copied the Persian characters, which she could do very +neatly. The Arabic alphabet is used in writing Persian, with three or +four extra letters added to express sounds which do not exist in +Arabic; it is, of course, written from right to left. I had an hour and +a half's daily lesson in Urdu from an efficient, if immensely pompous, +Moonshee, but I never attempted to learn to read or write the Persian +characters. +</P> + +<P> +I do not think that any one who has not traversed the plains of +Northern Indian can have any idea of their deadly monotony. Hour after +hour of level, sun-baked wheat-fields, interspersed with arid tracts of +desert, hardly conforms to the traditional idea of Indian scenery, nor +when once Bengal is left behind is there any of that luxuriant +vegetation which one instinctively associates with hot countries. In +bars in the United States, any one wishing for whisky and water was (I +advisedly use the past tense) accustomed to drain a small tumbler of +neat whisky, and then to swallow a glass of water. In India everything +is arranged on this principle; the whisky and the water are kept quite +separate. The dead-flat expanse of the Northern plains is unbroken by +the most insignificant of mounds; on the other hand, in the hills it is +almost impossible to find ten yards of level ground. In the same way +during the dry season you know with absolute certainty that there will +be no rain; whilst during the rains you can predict, without the +faintest shadow of doubt, that the downpour will continue day by day. +Personally, I prefer whisky and water mixed. +</P> + +<P> +In 1891 the Viceroy had selected the Kumaon district for his usual +official spring tour, and all arrangements had been made for this. As +my sister was feeling the heat of Calcutta a great deal, she and I +preceded the Viceroy to Naini Tal in the Kumaon district, as it stands +at an altitude of 6500 feet. The narrow-gauge railway ends at +Kathgodam, fifteen miles from Naini Tal, and the last four miles to the +hill-station have to be ridden up, I should imagine, the steepest road +in the world. It is like the side of a house. People have before now +slipped over their horses' tails going up that terrific ascent, and I +cannot conceive how the horses' girths manage to hold. Naini Tal is a +delightful spot, with bungalows peeping out of dense greenery that +fringes a clear lake. As in most hill-stations, the narrow riding +tracks are scooped out of the hillsides with a perpendicular drop of, +say, 500 feet on one side. These khudd paths, in addition to being very +narrow, are so precipitous that it takes some while getting used to +riding along them. A rather tiresome elderly spinster had come up to +Naini Tal on a visit to a relative, and was continually bewailing the +dangers of these khudd paths. She had hoped, she declared, to put on a +little flesh in the hills, but her constant anxiety about the khudds +was making her thinner than ever. A humorous subaltern, rather bored at +these continual laments, observed to her: "At all events, Miss Smith, +you'll have one consolation. If by any piece of bad luck you should +fall over the khudd, you'll go over thin, but you'll fall down plump—a +thousand feet." +</P> + +<P> +The very evening that Lord Lansdowne arrived for his projected tour, +the news of a serious outbreak in Manipur was telegraphed. The Viceroy +at once decided to abandon his tour and to proceed straight to Simla, +to which the Government offices had already moved, and where his +presence would be urgently required. Lord William Beresford, the +Military Secretary, a prince of organisers, at once took possession of +the telegraph wires, and in two hours his arrangements were +complete—or as an Anglo-Indian would put it, "he had made his +bundobust." The Viceroy and my sister were to leave next morning at 6 +a.m., and Lord William undertook to get them to Simla by special trains +before midnight. He actually landed them there by 11 p.m.—quite a +record journey, for Naini Tal is 407 miles from Simla, of which 75 +miles have to be ridden or driven by road and 66 are by narrow-gauge +railway, on which high speeds are impossible. There were 6500 feet to +descend from Naini, and 6000 feet to ascend to Simla, but in India a +good organiser can accomplish miracles. +</P> + +<P> +The Viceroy's tour being abandoned, Colonel Erskine, the Commissioner +for the Kumaon district, invited me to accompany him on his own +official tour. It was through very difficult country where no wheeled +traffic could pass, so we were to ride, with all our belongings carried +by coolies. I bought two hill-ponies the size of Newfoundland dogs for +myself and my "bearer," and we started. The little animals being used +to carrying packs, have a disconcerting trick of keeping close to the +very edge of the khudd, for experience has taught them that to bump +their load against the rock wall on the inner side gives them an +unpleasant jar. These little hill-ponies are wonderfully sure-footed, +and can climb like cats over dry water-courses piled with rocks and +great boulders, which a man on foot would find difficult to negotiate. +The rhododendrons were then in full flower, and the hills were one +blaze of colour. We were always going up and up, and as we ascended, +the deep crimson rhododendron flowers of Naini Tal gradually faded to +rose-colour, from rose-colour to pale pink, and from pink to pure +white. It was a perfect education travelling with Colonel Erskine, for +that shrewd and kindly old Scotsman had spent half his life in India, +and knew the Oriental inside out. The French have an expression, "se +fourrer dans la peau d'autrui," "to shove yourself into another +person's skin," and therefore to be able to see things as they would +present themselves to the mind of a man of a different race and of a +different mentality, and from his point of view. All young diplomats +are enjoined to cultivate this art, and some few succeed in doing so. +Colonel Erskine had it to perfection. On arriving in a village he would +call for a carpet, and a dirty cotton dhuree would be laid on the +round. He would then order a charpoy, or native bed, to be placed on +the carpet, and he would seat himself on it, and call out in the +vernacular, "Now, my children, what have you to tell me?" All this was +strictly in accordance with immemorial Eastern custom. Then the long +line of suppliants would approach, each one with a present of an +orange, or a bunch of rhododendron flowers in his hand. This, again, +from the very beginning of things has been the custom in the East (cf. +2 Kings, chap. viii, vers. 8, 9: "And the King said unto Hazael, Take a +present in thine hand, and go, meet the man of God.... So Hazael went +to meet him, and took a present with him"). Colonel Erskine was a great +stickler for these presents, and as they could be picked off the +nearest rhododendron bush, they cost the donor nothing. +</P> + +<P> +The outpouring of grievences and complaints then began, each applicant +always ending with the two-thousand-year-old cry of India, "Dohai, +Huzoor!" ("Justice, my lord!") The old Commissioner meanwhile listened +intently, dictating copious notes to his Brahmin clerk, and at the +conclusion of the audience he would cry, "Go, my children. Justice +shall be done to all of you," and we moved on to another village. It +was very pleasant seeing the patriarchal relations between the +Commissioner and the villagers. He understood them and their customs +thoroughly; they trusted him and loved him as their official father. I +fancy that this type of Indian Civil servant, knowing the people he has +to deal with down to the very marrow of their bones, has become rarer +of late years. The Brahmin clerk was a very intelligent man, and spoke +English admirably, but I took a great dislike to him, noting the abject +way in which the natives fawned on him. Colonel Erskine had to +discharge him soon afterwards, as he found that he had been exploiting +the villagers mercilessly for years, taking bribes right and left. From +much experience Colonel Erskine was an adept at travelling with what he +termed "a light camp." He took with him a portable office-desk, a +bookcase with a small reference library, and two portable arm-chairs. +All these were carried in addition to our baggage and bedding on +coolies' heads, for our sleeping-places were seldom more than fifteen +miles apart. +</P> + +<P> +The Commissioner's old Khansama had very strict ideas as to how a +"Sahib's" dinner should be served. He insisted on decorating the table +with rhododendron flowers, and placing on it every night four dishes of +Moradabad metal work containing respectively six figs, six French +plums, six dates, and six biscuits, all reposing on the orthodox +lace-paper mats, and the moment dinner was over he carefully replaced +these in pickle-jars for use next evening. We would have broken his +heart had we spoiled the symmetry of his dishes by eating any of these. +It takes a little practice to master bills of fare written in "Kitmutar +English," and for "Irishishtew" and "Anchoto" to be resolved into +Irish-stew and Anchovy-toast. Once when a Viceroy was on tour there was +a roast gosling for dinner. This duly appeared on the bill-of-fare as +"Roasted goose's pup." In justice, however, we must own that we would +make far greater blunders in trying to write a menu in Urdu. +</P> + +<P> +The Kumaon district is beautiful, not unlike an enlarged Scotland, with +deep ravines scooped out by clear, rushing rivers, their precipitous +sides clothed with dense growths of deodaras. In the early morning the +view of the long range of the snowy pinnacles of the Himalayas was +splendid. I learnt a great deal from wise old Colonel Erskine with his +intimate knowledge of the workings of the native mind, and of the +psychology of the Oriental. +</P> + +<P> +There is something very touching in the fidelity of Indian native +servants to their employers. Lady Lansdowne returned to India eighteen +years after leaving it, for the marriage of her son (who was killed in +the first three months of the war) to Lord Minto's daughter, and I +accompanied her. One afternoon all the pensioned Government House +servants who had been in Lord Lansdowne's employment arrived in a body +to offer their "salaams" to my sister. They presented a very different +appearance to the resplendent beings in scarlet and gold whom I had +formerly known, for on taking their pension they had ceased troubling +to dye their beards, and they were merely dressed in plain white +cotton. These grey-bearded, toothless old men with their high, aquiline +features (they were nearly all Mohammedans), flowing white garments and +turbans, might have stepped bodily out of stained-glass windows. They +had brought with them all the little presents (principally watches) +which my sister had given them; they remembered all the berths she had +secured for their sons, and the letters she had written on their +behalf. An Oriental has a very long memory for a kindness as well as +for an injury done him. Lady Lansdowne, whose Hindustani had become +rather rusty, began feverishly turning over the pages of a dictionary +in an endeavour to express her feelings and the pleasure she +experienced in seeing these faithful retainers again: she wept, and the +old men wept, and we all agreed, as elderly people will, that in former +days the sun was brighter and life altogether rosier than in these +degenerate times. Before leaving, the old servants simultaneously +lifted their arms in the Mahommedan gesture of blessing, with all the +innate dignity of the Oriental; it was really a very touching sight, +nor do I think that the very substantial memento of their visit which +each of them received had anything to do with their attitude: they only +wished to show that they were "faithful to their salt." +</P> + +<P> +It is difficult to determine the age of a native, as wrinkles and lines +do not show on a dark skin. Dark skins have other advantages. One of +the European Examiners of Calcutta University told me that there had +been great trouble about the examination-papers. By some means the +native students always managed to obtain what we may term "advance" +copies of these papers. My informant devised a scheme to stop this +leakage. Instead of having the papers printed in the usual fashion, he +called in the services of a single white printer on whom he could +absolutely rely. The white printer had the papers handed to him early +on the morning of the examination day, and he duly set them up on a +hand-press in the building itself. The printer had one assistant, a +coolie clad only in loin-cloth and turban, and every time the coolie +left the room he was made to remove both his loin-cloth and turban, so +that by no possibility could he have any papers concealed about him. In +spite of these precautions, it was clear from internal evidence that +some of the students had had a previous knowledge of the questions. How +had it been managed? It eventually appeared that the coolie, taking +advantage of the momentary absence of the white printer, had whipped +off his loin-cloth, SAT DOWN ON THE "FORM," and then replaced his +solitary garment. When made to strip on going out, the printing-ink did +not show on his dark skin: he had only to sit down elsewhere on a large +sheet of white paper for the questions to be printed off on it, and +they could then easily be read in a mirror. The Oriental mind is very +subtle. +</P> + +<P> +This is no place to speak of the marvels of Mogul architecture in Agra +and Delhi. I do not believe that there exists in the world a more +exquisitely beautiful hall than the Diwan-i-Khas in Delhi palace. This +hall, open on one side to a garden, is entirely built of transparent +white marble inlaid with precious stones, and with its intricate gilded +ceilings, and wonderful pierced-marble screens it justifies the famous +Persian inscription that runs round it: +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "If heaven can be on the face of the earth,<BR> + It is this, it is this, it is this."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +I always regret that Shah Jehan did not carry out his original +intention of erecting a second Taj of black marble for himself at Agra, +opposite the wonderful tomb he built for his beloved Muntaz-i-Mahal; +probably the money ran out. Few people take in that the dome of the +Taj, that great airy white soap-bubble, is actually higher than the +dome of St. Paul's. The play of fancy and invention of Shah Jehan's +architects seems inexhaustible. All the exquisite white marble +pavilions of Agra palace differ absolutely both in design and +decoration, and Akbar's massive red sandstone buildings make the most +perfect foil to them that could be conceived. +</P> + +<P> +Lucknow is one of the pleasantest stations in India, with its ring of +encircling parks, and the broad, tree-shaded roads of its cantonments, +but the pretentious monuments with which the city is studded will not +bear examination after the wonders of Agra and Delhi. The King of Oude +wished to surpass the Mogul Emperors by the magnificence of his +buildings, but he wished, too, to do it on the cheap. So in Lucknow +stucco, with very debased details, replaces the stately red sandstone +and marble of the older cities. +</P> + +<P> +In 1890 after a long day's sight-seeing in Lucknow, in the course of +which we ascended the long exterior flight of steps of the great +Imambarah on an elephant (who proved himself as nimble as a German +waiter in going upstairs), Lady Lansdowne and I were taken to the +Husainabad just as the short-lived Indian twilight was falling. On +passing through its great gateway I thought that I had never in my life +seen anything so beautiful. At the end of a long white marble-paved +court, a stately black-and-white marble tomb with a gilded dome rose +from a flight of steps. Down the centre of the court ran a long pool of +clear water, surrounded by a gilded railing. On either side of the +court stood great clumps of flowering shrubs, also enclosed in gilded +railings. At the far end, a group of palms were outlined in jet black +against that vivid lemon-coloured afterglow only seen in hot countries; +peacocks, perched on the walls of the court, stood out duskily purple +against the glowing expanse of saffron sky, and the sleeping waters of +the long pool reflected the golden glory of the flaming vault above +them. +</P> + +<P> +In the hush of the evening, and the half-light, the scene was lovely +beyond description, and for eighteen years I treasured in my mind the +memory of the Husainabad at sunset as the vision of my life. +</P> + +<P> +On returning to Lucknow in 1906, I insisted on going at once to revisit +the Husainabad, though I was warned that there was nothing to see +there. Alas! in broad daylight and in the glare of the fierce sun the +whole place looked abominably tawdry. What I had taken for +black-and-white marble was only painted stucco, and coarsely daubed at +that; the details of the decoration were deplorable, and the Husainabad +was just a piece of showy, meretricious tinsel. The gathering dusk and +the golden expanse of the Indian sunset sky had by some subtle wizardry +thrown a veil of glamour over this poor travesty of the marvels of +Delhi and Agra. So a long-cherished ideal was hopelessly shattered, +which is always a melancholy thing. +</P> + +<P> +We are all slaves to the economic conditions under which we live, and +the present exorbitant price of paper is a very potent factor in the +making of books. I am warned by my heartless publishers that I have +already exceeded my limits. There are many things in India of which I +would speak: of big-game hunts in Assam; of near views of the mighty +snows of the Himalayas; of jugglers and their tricks, and of certain +unfamiliar aspects of native life. The telling of these must be +reserved for another occasion, for it is impossible in the brief +compass of a single chapter to do more than touch the surface of things +in the vast Empire, the origin of whose history is lost in the mists of +time. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap11"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +CHAPTER XI +</H3> + +<P CLASS="intro"> +Matters left untold—The results of improved communications—My +father's journey to Naples—Modern stereotyped uniformity—Changes in +customs—The faithful family retainer Some details—Samuel Pepys' +stupendous banquets—Persistence of idea—Ceremonial +incense—Patriarchal family life—The barn dances—My father's +habits—My mother—A son's tribute—Autumn days—Conclusion. +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +I had hoped to tell of reef-fishing in the West Indies; of surf-riding +on planks at Muizenberg in South Africa; of the extreme inconvenience +to which the inhabitants of Southern China are subjected owing to the +inconsiderate habits of their local devils; of sapphire seas where +coco-nut palms toss their fronds in the Trade wind over gleaming-white +coral beaches; of vast frozen tracts in the Far North where all animate +life seems suspended; of Japanese villages clinging to green hill-sides +where boiling springs gush out of the cliffs in clouds of steam, and of +many other things besides, for it has been my good fortune to have seen +most of the surface of this globe. But all these must wait until the +present preposterous price of paper has descended to more normal levels. +</P> + +<P> +I consider myself exceptionally fortunate in having lived at a time +when modern conveniences of transport were already in existence, but +had not yet produced their inevitable results. It is quite sufficiently +obvious that national customs and national peculiarities are being +smoothed out of existence by facilities of travel. My father and +mother, early in their married life, drove from London to Naples in +their own carriage, the journey occupying over a month. They left their +own front door in London, had their carriage placed on the deck of the +Channel steamer, sat in it during the passage (what a singularly +uncomfortable resting-place it must have been should they have +encountered bad weather!), and continued their journey on the other +side. During their leisurely progress through France and Italy, they +must have enjoyed opportunities of studying the real life of these +countries which are denied the passengers in a rapide, jammed in +amongst a cosmopolitan crew in the prosaic atmosphere of dining and +sleeping cars, and scarcely bestowing a passing glance on the country +through which they are being whirled. Even in my time I have seen +marked changes, and have witnessed the gradual disappearance of +national costumes, and of national types of architecture. Every capital +in Europe seems to adopt in its modern buildings a standardised type of +architecture. No sojourner in any of the big modern hotels, which bear +such a wearisome family likeness to each other, could tell in which +particular country he might happen to find himself, were it not for the +scraps of conversation which reach his ears, for the externals all look +alike, and even the cooking has, with a greater or less degree of +success, been standardised to the requisite note of monotony. +Travellers may be divided into two categories: those who wish to find +on foreign soil the identical conditions to which they have been +accustomed at home, and those searching for novelty of outlook and +novelty of surroundings. The former will welcome the process of planing +down national idiosyncrasies into one dead level of uniformity of type, +the latter will deplore it; but this, like many other things, is a +matter of individual taste. +</P> + +<P> +The ousting of the splendid full-rigged ships by stumpy, unlovely +tramp-steamers in the Hooghly River, to which I have already referred, +is only one example of the universal disappearance of the picturesque. +In twenty-five years' time, every one will be living in a +drab-coloured, utilitarian world, from which most of the beauty and +every scrap of local colour will have been successfully eliminated. I +am lucky in having seen some of it. +</P> + +<P> +I have also witnessed great changes in social habits. I do not refer so +much to the removal of the rigid lines of demarcation formerly +prevailing in English Society, as to the disappearance of certain +accepted standards. For instance, in my young days the possibility of +appearing in Piccadilly in anything but a high hat and a tail coat was +unthinkable, as was the idea of sitting down to dinner in anything but +a white tie. Modern usage has common sense distinctly on its side. +Again, in my youth the old drinking customs lingered, especially at the +Universities. Though personally I have never been able to extract the +faintest gratification from the undue consumption of alcohol, my +friends do not seem to have invariably shared my tastes. I am certain +of one thing: it is to the cigarette that the temperate habits of the +twentieth century are due. Nicotine knocked port and claret out in the +second round. The acclimatisation of the cigarette in England only +dates from the "seventies." As a child I remember that the only form of +tobacco indulged in by the people that I knew was the cigar. A +cigarette was considered an effeminate foreign importation; a pipe was +unspeakably vulgar. +</P> + +<P> +In my mother's young days before her marriage, the old hard-drinking +habits of the Regency and of the eighteenth century still persisted. At +Woburn Abbey it was the custom for the trusted old family butler to +make his nightly report to my grandmother in the drawing-room. "The +gentlemen have had a good deal to-night; it might be as well for the +young ladies to retire," or "The gentlemen have had very little +to-night," was announced according to circumstances by this faithful +family retainer. Should the young girls be packed off upstairs, they +liked standing on an upper gallery of the staircase to watch the +shouting, riotous crowd issuing from the dining-room. My father very +rarely touched wine, and I believe that it was the fact that he, then +an Oxford undergraduate, was the only sober young man amongst the rowdy +troop of roysterers that first drew my mother to him, though he had +already proposed marriage to her at a children's party given by the +Prince Regent at Carlton House, when they were respectively seven and +six years old. My father had succeeded to the title at the age of six, +and they were married as soon as he came of age. They lived to +celebrate their golden wedding, which two of my sisters, the late +Duchess of Buccleuch and Lady Lansdowne, were also fortunate enough to +do, and I can say with perfect truth that in all three instances my +mother and her daughters celebrated fifty years of perfect happiness, +unclouded save for the gaps which death had made amongst their children. +</P> + +<P> +Students of Pepys' Diary must have gasped with amazement at learning of +the prodigious quantities of food considered necessary in the +seventeenth century for a dinner of a dozen people. Samuel Pepys gives +us several accounts of his entertainments, varying, with a nice sense +of discrimination, the epithet with which he labels his dinners. Here +is one which he gave to ten people, in 1660, which he proudly terms "a +very fine dinner." "A dish of marrow-bones; a leg of mutton; a loin of +veal; a dish of fowl; three pullets, and two dozen of larks, all in a +dish; a great tart; a neat's tongue; a dish of anchovies; a dish of +prawns, and cheese." On another occasion, in 1662, Pepys having four +guests only, merely gave them what he modestly describes as "a pretty +dinner." "A brace of stewed carps; six roasted chickens; a jowl of +salmon; a tanzy; two neats' tongues, and cheese." For six distinguished +guests in 1663 he provided "a noble dinner." (I like this careful +grading of epithets.) "Oysters; a hash of rabbits; a lamb, and a rare +chine of beef, Next a great dish of roasted fowl cost me about thirty +shillings; a tart, fruit and cheese." Pepys anxiously hopes that this +was enough! One is pleased to learn that on all three occasions his +guests enjoyed themselves, and that they were "very merry," but however +did they manage to hold one quarter of this prodigious amount of food? +</P> + +<P> +The curious idea that hospitality entailed the proffering of four times +the amount of food that an average person could assimilate, persisted +throughout the eighteenth century and well into the "seventies" of the +nineteenth century. I remember as a child, on the rare occasion when I +was allowed to "sit up" for dinner, how interminable that repast +seemed. That may have been due to the fact that my brother and I were +forbidden to eat anything except a biscuit or two. The idea that human +beings required perpetual nourishment was so deep-grounded that, to the +end of my father's life, the "wine and water tray" was brought in +nightly before the ladies went to bed. This tray contained port, sherry +and claret, a silver kettle of hot water, sugar, lemons and nutmeg, as +well as two large plates of sandwiches. All the ladies devoured wholly +superfluous sandwiches, and took a glass of wine and hot water before +retiring. I think people would be surprised to find how excellent a +beverage the obsolete "negus" is. Let them try a glass of either port, +sherry, or claret, with hot water, sugar, a squeeze of lemon, and a +dusting of nutmeg, and I think that they will agree with me. +</P> + +<P> +A custom, I believe, peculiar to our family, was the burning of church +incense in the rooms after dinner. At the conclusion of dinner, the +groom-of-the-chambers walked round the dining-room, solemnly swinging a +large silver censer. This dignified thurifer then made the circuit of +the other rooms, plying his censer. From the conscientious manner in +which he fulfilled his task, I fear that an Ecclesiastical Court might +have found that this came under the heading of "incense used +ceremonially." +</P> + +<P> +My father had one peculiarity; he never altered his manner of living, +whether the house was full of visitors, or he were alone with my +mother, after his children had married and left him. At Baron's Court, +when quite by themselves, they used the large rooms, and had them all +lighted up at night, exactly as though the house was full of guests. +There was to my mind something very touching in seeing an aged couple, +after more than fifty years of married life together, still preserving +the affectionate relations of lovers with each other. They played their +chess together nightly in a room ninety-eight feet long, and delighted +in still singing together, in the quavering tones of old age, the +simple little Italian duets that they had sung in the far-off days of +their courtship. As his years increased, my father did not care to +venture much beyond the circle of his own family, though as thirteen of +his children had grown up, and he had seven married daughters, the two +elder of whom had each thirteen children of her own, the number of his +immediate descendants afforded him a fairly wide field of selection. In +his old age he liked to have his five sons round him all the winter, +together with their wives and children. Accordingly, every October my +three married brothers arrived at Baron's Court with their entire +families, and remained there till January, so that the house +persistently rang with children's laughter. What with governesses, +children, nurses and servants, this meant thirty-three extra people all +through the winter, so it was fortunate that Baron's Court was a large +house, and that there was plenty of room left for other visitors. It +entailed no great hardship on the sons, for the autumn salmon-fishing +in the turbulent Mourne is excellent, there was abundance of shooting, +and M. Gouffe, the cook, was a noted artist. +</P> + +<P> +Both my father and mother detested publicity, or anything in the nature +of self-advertisement, which only shows how hopelessly out of touch +they would have been with modern conditions. +</P> + +<P> +My father was also old-fashioned enough to read family prayers every +morning and every Sunday evening; he was very particular, too, about +Sunday observance, now almost fallen into desuetude, so neither the +thud of lawn-tennis racquets nor the click of billiard-balls were ever +heard on that day, and no one would have dreamed of playing cards on +Sunday. +</P> + +<P> +It would be difficult to convey any idea of the pleasant family life in +that isolated spot tucked away amongst the Tyrone mountains; of the +long tramps over the bogs after duck and snipe; of the struggles with +big salmon; of the sailing-matches on the lakes; of the grouse and the +woodcocks; of the theatrical performances, the fun and jollity, and all +the varied incidents which make country life so fascinating to those +brought up to it. +</P> + +<P> +It was the custom at Baron's Court to have two annual dances in the +barn to celebrate "Harvest Home" and Christmas, and to these dances my +father, and my brother after him, invited every single person in their +employ, and all the neighbouring farmers and their wives. Any one +hoping to shine at a barn-dance required exceptionally sound muscles, +for the dancing was quite a serious business. The so-called barn was +really a long granary, elaborately decorated with wreaths of +evergreens, flags, and mottoes. The proceedings invariably commenced +with a dance (peculiar, I think, to the north of Ireland) known as +"Haste to the Wedding." It is a country dance, but its peculiarity lies +in the fact that instead of the couples standing motionless opposite to +one another, they are expected to "set to each other," and to keep on +doing steps without intermission; all this being, I imagine, typical of +the intense eagerness every one was supposed to express to reach the +scene of the wedding festivities as quickly as possible. Twenty minutes +of "Haste to the Wedding" are warranted to exhaust the stoutest +leg-muscles. My mother always led off with the farm-bailiff as partner, +my father at the other end dancing with the bailiff's wife. Both my +father, and my brother after him, were very careful always to wear +their Garter as well as their other Orders on these occasions, in order +to show respect to their guests. Scotch reels and Irish jigs alternated +with "The Triumph," "Flowers of Edinburgh," and other country dances, +until feet and legs refused their office; and still the fiddles +scraped, and feet, light or heavy, belaboured the floor till 6 a.m. The +supper would hardly have come up to London standards, for instead of +light airy nothings, huge joints of roast and boiled were aligned down +the tables. Some of the stricter Presbyterians, though fond of a dance, +experienced conscientious qualms about it. So they struck an ingenious +compromise with their consciences by dancing vigorously whilst assuming +an air of intense misery, as though they were undergoing some terrible +penance. Every one present enjoyed these barn-dances enormously. +</P> + +<P> +My father was an admirable speaker of the old-fashioned school, with +calculated pauses, an unusual felicity in the choice of his epithets, +and a considerable amount of gesticulation. The veteran Lord Chaplin is +the last living exponent of this type of oratory. Although my father +prepared his speeches very carefully indeed, he never made a single +written note. He had a beautiful speaking voice and a prodigious +memory; this memory, he knew from experience, would not fail him. An +excellent shot himself both with gun and rifle, and a good fisherman, +to the end of his life he maintained his interest in sport and in all +the pursuits of the younger life around him, for he was very human. +</P> + +<P> +It is difficult for a son to write impartially of his mother. My +mother's character was a blend of extreme simplicity and great dignity, +with a limitless gift of sympathy for others. I can say with perfect +truth that, throughout her life, she succeeded in winning the deep love +of all those who were brought into constant contact with her. Very +early in life she fell under the influence of the Evangelical movement, +which was then stirring England to its depths, and she throughout her +days remained faithful to its tenets. It could be said of her that, +though, in the world, she was not of the world. Owing to force of +circumstances, she had at times to take her position in the world, and +no one could do it with greater dignity, or more winning grace; but the +atmosphere of London, both physical and social, was distasteful to her. +She had an idea that the smoke-laden London air affected her lungs, +and, apart from the pleasure of seeing the survivors of the very +intimate circle of friends of her young days, London had few +attractions for her; all her interests were centred in the country, in +country people, and country things. Although deeply religious, her +religion had no gloom about it, for her inextinguishable love of a +joke, and irrepressible sense of fun, remained with her to the end of +her life, and kept her young in spite of her ninety-three years. From +the commencement of her married life, my mother had been in the habit +of "visiting" in the village twice a week, and in every cottage she was +welcomed as a friend, for in addition to her gift of sympathy, she had +a memory almost as tenacious as my father's, and remembered the names +of every one of the cottagers' children, knew where they were employed, +and whom they had married. With the help of her maid, my mother used to +compound a cordial, bottles of which she distributed amongst the +cottagers, a cordial which gained an immense local reputation. The +ingredients of this panacea were one part of strong iron-water to five +parts of old whisky, to which sal-volatile, red lavender, cardamoms, +ginger, and other warming drugs were added. "Her Grace's bottle," as it +was invariably termed, achieved astonishing popularity, and the most +marvellous cures were ascribed to it. I have sometimes wondered whether +its vogue would have been as great had the whisky been eliminated from +its composition. In her home under the Sussex downs, amidst the broad +stretches of heather-clad common, the beautiful Tudor stone-built old +farm-houses, and the undulating woodlands of that most lovable and +typically English county, she continued, to the end of her life, +visiting amongst her less fortunate neighbours, and finding friends in +every house. Her immense vitality and power of entering into the +sorrows and enjoyments of others, led at times to developments very +unexpected in the case of one so aged. For instance, a small +great-nephew of mine had had a pair of stilts given him. The boy was +clumsy at learning to use them, and my mother, who in her youth, could +perform every species of trick upon stilts, was discovered by her +trained nurse mounted on stilts and perambulating the garden on them, +in her eighty-sixth year, for the better instruction of her little +great-grandson. Again, during a great rat-hunt we had organised, the +nurse missed her ninety-year-old charge, to discover her later, in +company with the stable-boy, behind a barn, both of them armed with +sticks, intently watching a rat-hole into which the stable-boy had just +inserted a ferret. +</P> + +<P> +My mother travelled up to London on one occasion to consult a +celebrated oculist, and confided to him that she was growing +apprehensive about her eyesight, as she began to find it difficult to +read small print by lamplight. The man of Harley Street, after a +careful examination of his patient's eyes, asked whether he might +inquire what her age was. On receiving the reply that she had been +ninety on her last birthday, the specialist assured her that his +experience led him to believe that cases of failing eyesight were by no +means unusual at that age. +</P> + +<P> +My mother had known all the great characters that had flitted across +the European stage at the beginning of the nineteenth century: +Talleyrand, Metternich, the great Duke of Wellington, and many others. +With her wonderful memory, she was a treasure-house of anecdotes of +these and other well-known personages, which she narrated with all the +skill of the born reconteuse. She belonged, too, to an age in which +letter-writing was cultivated as an art, and was regarded as an +intellectual relaxation. At the time of her death she had one hundred +and sixty-nine direct living descendants: children, grandchildren, +great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren, in addition to +thirty-seven grandchildren and great-grandchildren by marriage. She +kept in touch with all her descendants by habitually corresponding with +them, and the advice given by this shrewd, wise old counsellor, with +her ninety years of experience, was invariably followed by its +recipients. She made a point of travelling to London to attend the +weddings of every one of her descendants, and even journeyed up to be +present at the Coronation of King Edward in her ninetieth year. It is +given to but few to see their GRANDSON'S GRANDSON; it is granted to +fewer to live ninety-three years with the full use of every +intellectual faculty, and the retention of but slightly impaired bodily +powers; and seldom is it possible to live to so great an age with the +powers of enjoyment and of unabated interest in the lives of others +still retained. +</P> + +<P> +She never returned to Ireland after her widowhood, but was able, up to +the end of her life, to pay a yearly autumn visit to her beloved +Scotland. And so, under the rolling Sussex downs, amidst familiar +woodlands and villages, full of years, and surrounded by the lore of +all those who knew her, the long day closed. +</P> + +<P> +I think that there is a passage in the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs +which says: "Her children rise up and call her blessed." +</P> + +<P> +I have reached my appointed limits, leaving unsaid one-half of the +things I had wished to narrate. Reminiscences come crowding in +unbidden, and, like the flickering lights of the Will-o'-the-wisp, they +tend to lead the wayfarer far astray from the path he had originally +traced out for himself. "Jack-o'-lanthorn" is proverbially a fickle +guide to follow, and should I have succumbed to his lure, I can only +proffer my excuses, and plead in extenuation that sixty years is such a +long road to re-travel that an occasional deviation into a by-path by +elderly feet may perhaps be forgiven. +</P> + +<P> +Charles Kingsley, in the "Water-Babies", has put some very touching +lines into the mouth of the old school-dame in Vendale, lines which +come home with pathetic force to persons of my time of life. +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "When all the world is young, lad,<BR> + And all the trees are green;<BR> + And every goose a swan, lad,<BR> + And every lass a queen;<BR> + Then hey for boot and horse, lad,<BR> + And round the world away;<BR> + Young blood must have its course, lad<BR> + And every dog his day.<BR> +</P> + +<P CLASS="poem"> + "When all the world is old, lad,<BR> + And all the trees are brown;<BR> + And all the sport is stale, lad,<BR> + And all the wheels run down;<BR> + Creep home, and take your place there,<BR> + The old and spent among:<BR> + God grant you find one face there<BR> + You loved when all was young."<BR> +</P> + +<P> +I protest indignantly against the idea that all the wheels are run +down; nor are the trees yet brown, for kindly autumn, to soften us to +the inevitable passing of summer, touches the trees with her magic +wand, and forthwith they blaze with crimson and russet-gold, pale-gold +and flaming copper-red. +</P> + +<P> +In the mellow golden sunshine of the still October days it is sometimes +difficult to realise that the glory of the year has passed beyond +recall, though the sunshine has no longer the genial warmth of July, +and the more delicate flowers are already shrivelled by the first +furtive touches of winter's finger-tips. Experience has taught us that +the many-hued glory of autumn is short-lived; the faintest breeze +brings the leaves fluttering to the ground in golden showers. Soon the +few that remain will patter gently down to earth, their mother. Winter +comes. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR><BR> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Days Before Yesterday, by +Lord Frederick Hamilton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY *** + +***** This file should be named 3827-h.htm or 3827-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/2/3827/ + +Produced by Charles Franks, Robert Rowe and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Days Before Yesterday + +Author: Lord Frederick Hamilton + +Posting Date: May 28, 2009 [EBook #3827] +Release Date: March, 2003 +First Posted: September 29, 2001 +Last Updated: February 25, 2005 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Franks, Robert Rowe and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. HTML version by Al Haines. + + + + + + + + + + + +THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY + + +by + +Lord Frederick Hamilton + + + + +FOREWORD + + +The Public has given so kindly a reception to The Varnished Pomps of +Yesterday (a reception which took its author wholly by surprise), that +I have extracted some further reminiscences from the lumber-room of +recollections. Those who expect startling revelations, or stale whiffs +of forgotten scandals in these pages, will, I fear, be disappointed, +for the book contains neither. It is merely a record of everyday +events, covering different ground to those recounted in the former +book, which may, or may not, prove of interest. I must tender my +apologies for the insistent recurrence of the first person singular; in +a book of this description this is difficult to avoid. + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER I + +Early days--The passage of many terrors--Crocodiles, grizzlies and +hunchbacks--An adventurous journey and its reward--The famous spring in +South Audley Street--Climbing chimney-sweeps--The story of Mrs. +Montagu's son--The sweeps' carnival--Disraeli--Lord John Russell--A +child's ideas about the Whigs--The Earl of Aberdeen--"Old Brown +Bread"--Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend--A live lion at a +tea-party--Landseer as an artist--Some of his vagaries--His frescoes at +Ardverikie--His latter days--A devoted friend--His last Academy picture + + +CHAPTER II + +The "swells" of the "sixties"--Old Lord Claud Hamilton--My first +presentation to Queen Victoria--Scandalous behaviour of a +brother--Queen Victoria's letters--Her character and strong common +sense--My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.--Carlton +House, and the Brighton Pavilion--Queen Alexandra--The Fairchild +Family--Dr. Cumming and his church--A clerical Jazz--First visit to +Paris--General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's campaign of +1812--Another curious link with the past--"Something +French"--Attraction of Paris--Cinderella's glass slipper--A glimpse of +Napoleon III.--The Rue de Rivoli--The Riviera in 1865--A novel +Tricolour flag--Jenny Lind--The championship of the Mediterranean--My +father's boat and crew--The race--The Abercorn wins the championship + + +CHAPTER III + +A new departure--A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"--The Irish mail +service--The wonderful old paddle mail-boats--The convivial waiters of +the Munster--The Viceregal Lodge--Indians and pirates--The imagination +of youth--A modest personal ambition--Death-warrants; imaginary and +real--The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7--The Abergele railway accident--A +Dublin Drawing-Room--Strictly private ceremonials--Some of the +amenities of the Chapel Royal--An unbidden spectator of the State +dinners--Irish wit--Judge Keogh--Father Healy--Happy Dublin knack of +nomenclature--An unexpected honour and its cause--Incidents of the +Fenian rising--Dr. Hatchell--A novel prescription--Visit of King +Edward--Gorgeous ceremonial, but a chilly drive--An anecdote of Queen +Alexandra + + +CHAPTER IV + +Chittenden's--A wonderful teacher--My personal experiences as a +schoolmaster--My "boys in blue"--My unfortunate garments--A "brave +Belge"--The model boy, and his name--A Spartan regime--"The Three +Sundays"--Novel religious observances--Harrow--"John Smith of +Harrow"--"Tommy"--Steele--"Tosher"--An ingenious punishment--John +Farmer--His methods--The birth of a famous song--Harrow school +songs--"Ducker"--The "Curse of Versatility"--Advancing old age--The +race between three brothers--A family failing--My father's race at +sixty-four--My own--A most acrimonious dispute at Rome--Harrow after +fifty years + + +CHAPTER V + +Mme. Ducros--A Southern French country town--"Tartarin de +Tarascon"--His prototypes at Nyons--M. Sisteron the roysterer--The +Southern French--An octogenarian pasteur--French +industry--"Bone-shakers"--A wonderful +"Cordon-bleu"--"Slop-basin"--French legal procedure--The +bons-vivants--The merry French judges--La gaiete francaise--Delightful +excursions--Some sleepy old towns--Oronge and Avignon--M. Thiers' +ingenious cousin--Possibilities--French political situation in +1874--The Comte de Chambord--Some French characteristics--High +intellectual level--Three days in a Trappist Monastery--Details of life +there--The Arian heresy--Silkworm culture--Tendencies of French to +complicate details--Some examples--Cicadas in London. + + +CHAPTER VI + +Brunswick--Its beauty--High level of culture--The Brunswick +Theatre--Its excellence--Gas vs. Electricity--Primitive theatre +toilets--Operatic stars in private life--Some operas unknown in +London--Dramatic incidents in them--Levasseur's parody of +"Robert"--Some curious details about operas--Two fiery old +pan-Germans--Influence of the teaching profession on modern +Germany--The "French and English Clubs"--A meeting of the "English +Club" Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign +tongues--Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875--Concerning various +beers--A German sportsman--The silent, quinine-loving youth--The Harz +Mountains--A "Kettle-drive" for hares--Dialects of German--The odious +"Kaffee-Klatch"--Universal gossip--Hamburg's overpowering +hospitality--Hamburg's attitude towards Britain--The city itself--Trip +to British Heligoland--The island--Some peculiarities--Migrating +birds--Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse--Lady Maxse--The Heligoland +Theatre--Winter in Heligoland + + +CHAPTER VII + +Some London beauties of the "seventies"--Great ladies--The Victorian +girl--Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre Two witty ladies--Two clever girls +and mock-Shakespeare--The family who talked Johnsonian +English--Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation--Practical jokes--Lord +Charles Beresford and the old Club-member--The shoeless +legislator--Travellers' palms--The tree that spouted wine--Ceylon's +spicy breezes--Some reflections--Decline of public interest in +Parliament--Parliamentary giants--Gladstone, John Bright, and +Chamberlain--Gladstone's last speech--His resignation--W.H. Smith--The +Assistant Whips--Sir William Hart-Dyke--Weary hours at Westminster--A +Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay + + +CHAPTER VIII + +The Foreign Office--The new Private Secretary--A Cabinet +key--Concerning theatricals--Some surnames which have passed into +everyday use--Theatricals at Petrograd--A mock-opera--The family from +Runcorn--An embarrassing predicament--Administering the oath--Secret +Service--Popular errors--Legitimate employment of information--The +Phoenix Park murders--I sanction an arrest--The innocent victim--The +execution of the murderers of Alexander II.--The jarring military +band--Black Magic--Sir Charles Wyke--Some of his experiences--The +seance at the Pantheon--Sir Charles' experiments on myself--The +Alchemists--The Elixir of Life, and the Philosopher's Stone--Lucid +directions for their manufacture--Glamis Castle and its +inhabitants--The tuneful Lyon family--Mr. Gladstone at Glamis--He sings +in the glees--The castle and its treasures--Recollections of Glamis + + +CHAPTER IX + +Canada--The beginnings of the C.P.R.--Attitude of British Columbia--The +C.P.R. completed--Quebec--A swim at Niagara--Other mighty +waterfalls--Ottawa and Rideau Hall--Effects of dry climate--Personal +electricity--Every man his own dynamo--Attraction of Ottawa--The +"roaring game"--Skating--An ice-palace--A ball on skates--Difficulties +of translating the Bible into Eskimo--The building of the snow hut--The +snow hut in use--Sir John Macdonald--Some personal traits--The Canadian +Parliament buildings--Monsieur l'Orateur--A quaint oration--The "Pages' +Parliament"--An all-night sitting--The "Arctic Cremorne"--A curious +Lisbon custom--The Balkan "souvenir-hunters"--Personal inspection of +Canadian convents--Some incidents--The unwelcome novice--The Montreal +Carnival--The Ice-castle--The Skating Carnival--A stupendous toboggan +slide--The pioneer of "ski" in Canada--The old-fashioned raquettes--A +Canadian Spring--Wonders of the Dominion + + +CHAPTER X + +Calcutta--Hooghly pilots--Government House--A Durbar--The sulky +Rajah--The customary formalities--An ingenious interpreter--The sailing +clippers in the Hooghly--Calcutta Cathedral--A succulent banquet--The +mistaken Minister--The "Gordons"--Barrackpore--A Swiss Family Robinson +aerial house--The child and the elephants--The merry midshipmen--Some +of their escapades--A huge haul of fishes--Queen Victoria and +Hindustani--The Hills--The Manipur outbreak--A riding tour--A wise old +Anglo-Indian--Incidents--The fidelity of native servants--A novel +printing-press--Lucknow--The loss of an illusion + + +CHAPTER XI + +Matters left untold--The results of improved communications--My +father's journey to Naples--Modern stereotyped uniformity--Changes in +customs--The faithful family retainer--Some details--Samuel Pepys' +stupendous banquets--Persistence of idea--Ceremonial +incense--Patriarchal family life--The barn dances--My father's +habits--My mother--A son's tribute--Autumn days--Conclusion + + + + + +THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +Early days--The passage of many terrors--Crocodiles, grizzlies and +hunchbacks--An adventurous journey and its reward--The famous spring in +South Audley Street--Climbing chimney-sweeps--The story of Mrs. +Montagu's son--The sweeps' carnival--Disraeli--Lord John Russell--A +child's ideas about the Whigs--The Earl of Aberdeen--"Old Brown +Bread"--Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend--A live lion at a +tea-party--Landseer as an artist--Some of his vagaries--His frescoes at +Ardverikie--His latter days--A devoted friend--His last Academy picture. + + +I was born the thirteenth child of a family of fourteen, on the +thirteenth day of the month, and I have for many years resided at No. +13 in a certain street in Westminster. In spite of the popular +prejudice attached to this numeral, I am not conscious of having +derived any particular ill-fortune from my accidental association with +it. + +Owing to my sequence in the family procession, I found myself on my +entry into the world already equipped with seven sisters and four +surviving brothers. I was also in the unusual position of being born an +uncle, finding myself furnished with four ready-made nephews--the +present Lord Durham, his two brothers, Mr. Frederick Lambton and +Admiral-of-the-Fleet Sir Hedworth Meux, and the late Lord Lichfield. + +Looking down the long vista of sixty years with eyes that have already +lost their keen vision, the most vivid impression that remains of my +early childhood is the nightly ordeal of the journey down "The Passage +of Many Terrors" in our Irish home. It had been decreed that, as I had +reached the mature age of six, I was quite old enough to come +downstairs in the evening by myself without the escort of a maid, but +no one seemed to realise what this entailed on the small boy +immediately concerned. The house had evidently been built by some +malevolent architect with the sole object of terrifying little boys. +Never, surely, had such a prodigious length of twisting, winding +passages and such a superfluity of staircases been crammed into one +building, and as in the early "sixties" electric light had not been +thought of, and there was no gas in the house, these endless passages +were only sparingly lit with dim colza-oil lamps. From his nursery the +little boy had to make his way alone through a passage and up some +steps. These were brightly lit, and concealed no terrors. The staircase +that had to be negotiated was also reassuringly bright, but at its base +came the "Terrible Passage." It was interminably long, and only lit by +an oil lamp at its far end. Almost at once a long corridor running at +right angles to the main one, and plunged in total darkness, had to be +crossed. This was an awful place, for under a marble slab in its dim +recesses a stuffed crocodile reposed. Of course in the daytime the +crocodile PRETENDED to be very dead, but every one knew that as soon as +it grew dark, the crocodile came to life again, and padded noiselessly +about the passage on its scaly paws seeking for its prey, with its +great cruel jaws snapping, its fierce teeth gleaming, and its horny +tail lashing savagely from side to side. It was also a matter of common +knowledge that the favourite article of diet of crocodiles was a little +boy with bare legs in a white suit. Even should one be fortunate enough +to escape the crocodile's jaws, there were countless other terrors +awaiting the traveller down this awe-inspiring passage. A little +farther on there was a dark lobby, with cupboards surrounding it. Any +one examining these cupboards by daylight would have found that they +contained innocuous cricket-bats and stumps, croquet-mallets and balls, +and sets of bowls. But as soon as the shades of night fell, these +harmless sporting accessories were changed by some mysterious and +malign agency into grizzly bears, and grizzly bears are notoriously the +fiercest of their species. It was advisable to walk very quickly, but +quietly, past the lair of the grizzlies, for they would have gobbled up +a little boy in one second. Immediately after the bears' den came the +culminating terror of all--the haunt of the wicked little hunchbacks. +These malignant little beings inhabited an arched and recessed +cross-passage. It was their horrible habit to creep noiselessly behind +their victims, tip...tip...tip-toeing silently but swiftly behind their +prey, and then ... with a sudden spring they threw themselves on to +little boys' backs, and getting their arms round their necks, they +remorselessly throttled the life out of them. In the early "sixties" +there was a perfect epidemic of so-called "garrotting" in London. +Harmless citizens proceeding peaceably homeward through unfrequented +streets or down suburban roads at night were suddenly seized from +behind by nefarious hands, and found arms pressed under their chins +against their windpipe, with a second hand drawing their heads back +until they collapsed insensible, and could be despoiled leisurely of +any valuables they might happen to have about them. Those familiar with +John Leech's Punch Albums will recollect how many of his drawings +turned on this outbreak of garrotting. The little boy had heard his +elders talking about this garrotting, and had somehow mixed it up with +a story about hunchbacks and the fascinating local tales about "the wee +people," but the terror was a very real one for all that. The +hunchbacks baffled, there only remained a dark archway to pass, but +this archway led to the "Robbers' Passage." A peculiarly bloodthirsty +gang of malefactors had their fastnesses along this passage, but the +dread of being in the immediate neighbourhood of such a band of +desperadoes was considerably modified by the increasing light, as the +solitary oil-lamp of the passage was approached. Under the comforting +beams of this lamp the little boy would pause until his heart began to +thump less wildly after his deadly perils, and he would turn the handle +of the door and walk into the great hall as demurely as though he had +merely traversed an ordinary everyday passage in broad daylight. It was +very reassuring to see the big hall blazing with light, with the logs +roaring on the open hearth, and grown-ups writing, reading, and talking +unconcernedly, as though unconscious of the awful dangers lurking +within a few yards of them. In that friendly atmosphere, what with toys +and picture-books, the fearful experiences of the "Passage of Many +Terrors" soon faded away, and the return journey upstairs would be free +from alarms, for Catherine, the nursery-maid, would come to fetch the +little boy when his bedtime arrived. + +Catherine was fat, freckled, and French. She was also of a very stolid +disposition. She stumped unconcernedly along the "Passage of Terrors," +and any reference to its hidden dangers of robbers, hunchbacks, bears, +and crocodiles only provoked the remark, "Quel tas de betises!" In +order to reassure the little boy, Catherine took him to view the +stuffed crocodile reposing inertly under its marble slab. Of course, +before a grown-up the crocodile would pretend to be dead and stuffed, +but ... the little boy knew better. It occurred gleefully to him, too, +that the plump French damsel might prove more satisfactory as a repast +to a hungry saurian than a skinny little boy with thin legs. In the +cheerful nursery, with its fragrant peat fire (we called it "turf"), +the terrors of the evening were quickly forgotten, only to be renewed +with tenfold activity next evening, as the moment for making the +dreaded journey again approached. + +The little boy had had the Pilgrim's Progress read to him on Sundays. +He envied "Christian," who not only usually enjoyed the benefit of some +reassuring companion, such as "Mr. Interpreter," or "Mr. Greatheart," +to help him on his road, but had also been expressly told, "Keep in the +midst of the path, and no harm shall come to thee." This was distinctly +comforting, and Christian enjoyed another conspicuous advantage. All +the lions he encountered in the course of his journey were chained up, +and could not reach him provided he adhered to the Narrow Way. The +little boy thought seriously of tying a rolled-up tablecloth to his +back to represent Christian's pack; in his white suit, he might perhaps +then pass for a pilgrim, and the strip of carpet down the centre of the +passage would make an admirable Narrow Way, but it all depended on +whether the crocodile, bears, and hunchbacks knew, and would observe +the rules of the game. It was most improbable that the crocodile had +ever had the Pilgrim's Progress read to him in his youth, and he might +not understand that the carpet representing the Narrow Way was +inviolable territory. Again, the bears might make their spring before +they realised that, strictly speaking, they ought to consider +themselves chained up. The ferocious little hunchbacks were clearly +past praying for; nothing would give them a sense of the most +elementary decency. On the whole, the safest plan seemed to be, on +reaching the foot of the stairs, to keep an eye on the distant lamp and +to run to it as fast as short legs and small feet could carry one. Once +safe under its friendly beams, panting breath could be recovered, and +the necessary stolid look assumed before entering the hall. + +There was another voyage, rich in its promise of ultimate rewards, but +so perilous that it would only be undertaken under escort. That was to +the housekeeper's room through a maze of basement passages. On the road +two fiercely-gleaming roaring pits of fire had to be encountered. +Grown-ups said this was the furnace that heated the house, but the +little boy had his own ideas on the subject. Every Sunday his nurse +used to read to him out of a little devotional book, much in vogue in +the "sixties," called The Peep of Day, a book with the most terrifying +pictures. One Sunday evening, so it is said, the little boy's mother +came into the nursery to find him listening in rapt attention to what +his nurse was reading him. + +"Emery is reading to me out of a good book," explained the small boy +quite superfluously. + +"And do you like it, dear?" + +"Very much indeed." + +"What is Emery reading to you about? Is it about Heaven?" + +"No, it's about 'ell," gleefully responded the little boy, who had not +yet found all his "h's." + +Those glowing furnace-bars; those roaring flames ... there could be no +doubt whatever about it. A hymn spoke of "Gates of Hell" ... of course +they just called it the heating furnace to avoid frightening him. The +little boy became acutely conscious of his misdeeds. He had taken ... +no, stolen an apple from the nursery pantry and had eaten it. Against +all orders he had played with the taps in the sink. The burden of his +iniquities pressed heavily on him; remembering the encouraging warnings +Mrs. Fairchild, of The Fairchild Family, gave her offspring as to their +certain ultimate destiny when they happened to break any domestic rule, +he simply dared not pass those fiery apertures alone. With his hand in +that of his friend Joseph, the footman, it was quite another matter. +Out of gratitude, he addressed Joseph as "Mr. Greatheart," but Joseph, +probably unfamiliar with the Pilgrim's Progress, replied that his name +was Smith. + +The interminable labyrinth of passages threaded, the warm, comfortable +housekeeper's room, with its red curtains, oak presses and a delicious +smell of spice pervading it, was a real haven of rest. To this very +day, nearly sixty years afterwards, it still looks just the same, and +keeps its old fragrant spicy odour. Common politeness dictated a brief +period of conversation, until Mrs. Pithers, the housekeeper, should +take up her wicker key-basket and select a key (the second press on the +left). From that inexhaustible treasure-house dates and figs would +appear, also dried apricots and those little discs of crystallised +apple-paste which, impaled upon straws, and coloured green, red and +yellow, were in those days manufactured for the special delectation of +greedy little boys. What a happy woman Mrs. Pithers must have been with +such a prodigal wealth of delicious products always at her command! It +was comforting, too, to converse with Mrs. Pithers, for though this +intrepid woman was alarmed neither by bears, hunchbacks nor crocodiles, +she was terribly frightened by what she termed "cows," and regulated +her daily walks so as to avoid any portion of the park where cattle +were grazing. Here the little boy experienced a delightful sense of +masculine superiority. He was not the least afraid of cattle, or of +other things in daylight and the open air; of course at night in dark +passages infested with bears and little hunchbacks ... Well, it was +obviously different. And yet that woman who was afraid of "cows" could +walk without a tremor, or a little shiver down the spine, past the very +"Gates of Hell," where they roared and blazed in the dark passage. + +Our English home had brightly-lit passages, and was consequently +practically free from bears and robbers. Still, we all preferred the +Ulster home in spite of its obvious perils. Here were a chain of lakes, +wide, silvery expanses of gleaming water reflecting the woods and +hills. Here were great tracts of woodlands where countless little burns +chattered and tinkled in their rocky beds as they hurried down to the +lakes, laughing as they tumbled in miniature cascades over rocky ledges +into swirling pools, in their mad haste to reach the placid waters +below. Here were purple heather-clad hills, with their bigger brethren +rising mistily blue in the distance, and great wine-coloured tracts of +bog (we called them "flows") interspersed with glistening bands of +water, where the turf had been cut which hung over the village in a +thin haze of fragrant blue smoke. + +The woods in the English place were beautifully kept, but they were +uninteresting, for there were no rocks or great stones in them. An +English brook was a dull, prosaic, lifeless stream, rolling its +clay-stained waters stolidly along, with never a dimple of laughter on +its surface, or a joyous little gurgle of surprise at finding that it +was suddenly called upon to take a headlong leap of ten feet. The +English brooks were so silent, too, compared to our noisy Ulster burns, +whose short lives were one clamorous turmoil of protest against the +many obstacles with which nature had barred their progress to the sea; +here swirling over a miniature crag, there babbling noisily among a +labyrinth of stones. They ultimately became merged in a foaming, +roaring salmon river, expanding into amber-coloured pools, or breaking +into white rapids; a river which retained to the last its lordly +independence and reached the sea still free, refusing to be harnessed +or confined by man. Our English brook, after its uneventful childhood, +made its stolid matter-of-fact way into an equally dull little river +which crawled inertly along to its destiny somewhere down by the docks. +I know so many people whose whole lives are like that of that +particular English brook. + +We lived then in London at Chesterfield House, South Audley Street, +which covered three times the amount of ground it does at present, for +at the back it had a very large garden, on which Chesterfield Gardens +are now built. In addition to this it had two wings at right angles to +it, one now occupied by Lord Leconfield's house, the other by Nos. 1 +and 2, South Audley Street. The left-hand wing was used as our stables +and contained a well which enjoyed an immense local reputation in +Mayfair. Never was such drinking-water! My father allowed any one in +the neighbourhood to fetch their drinking-water from our well, and one +of my earliest recollections is watching the long daily procession of +men-servants in the curious yellow-jean jackets of the "sixties," each +with two large cans in his hands, fetching the day's supply of our +matchless water. No inhabitants of Curzon Street, Great Stanhope +Street, or South Audley Street would dream of touching any water but +that from the famous Chesterfield House spring. In 1867 there was a +serious outbreak of Asiatic cholera in London, and my father determined +to have the water of the celebrated spring analysed. There were loud +protests at this:--what, analyse the finest drinking-water in England! +My father, however, persisted, and the result of the analysis was that +our incomparable drinking-water was found to contain thirty per cent. +of organic matter. The analyst reported that fifteen per cent. of the +water must be pure sewage. My father had the spring sealed and bricked +up at once, but it is a marvel that we had not poisoned every single +inhabitant of the Mayfair district years before. + +In the early "sixties" the barbarous practice of sending wretched +little "climbing boys" up chimneys to sweep them still prevailed. In +common with most other children of that day, I was perfectly terrified +when the chimney-sweep arrived with his attendant coal-black imps, for +the usual threat of foolish nurses to their charges when they proved +refractory was, "If you are not good I shall give you to the sweep, and +then you will have to climb up the chimney." When the dust-sheets laid +on the floors announced the advent of the sweeps, I used, if possible, +to hide until they had left the house. I cannot understand how public +opinion tolerated for so long the abominable cruelty of forcing little +boys to clamber up flues. These unhappy brats were made to creep into +the chimneys from the grates, and then to wriggle their way up by +digging their toes into the interstices of the bricks, and by working +their elbows and knees alternately; stifled in the pitch-darkness of +the narrow flue by foul air, suffocated by the showers of soot that +fell on them, perhaps losing their way in the black maze of chimneys, +and liable at any moment, should they lose their footing, to come +crashing down twenty feet, either to be killed outright in the dark or +to lie with a broken limb until they were extricated--should, indeed, +it be possible to rescue them at all. These unfortunate children, too, +were certain to get abrasions on their bare feet and on their elbows +and knees from the rough edges of the bricks. The soot working into +these abrasions gave them a peculiar form of sore. Think of the +terrible brutality to which a nervous child must have been subjected +before he could be induced to undertake so hateful a journey for the +first time. Should the boy hesitate to ascend, many of the +master-sweeps had no compunction in giving him what was termed a +"tickler"--that is, in lighting some straw in the grate below him. The +poor little urchin had perforce to scramble up his chimney then, to +avoid being roasted alive. + +All honour to the seventh Earl of Shaftesbury, the philanthropist, who +as Lord Ashley never rested in the House of Commons until he got a +measure placed on the Statute Book making the employment of +climbing-boys illegal. + +It will be remembered that little Tom, the hero of Charles Kingsley's +delightful Water-Babies, was a climbing-sweep. In spite of all my care, +I occasionally met some of these little fellows in the passages, +inky-black with soot from the soles of their bare feet to the crowns of +their heads, except for the whites of their eyes. They could not have +been above eight or nine years old. I looked on them as awful warnings, +for of course they would not have occupied their present position had +they not been little boys who had habitually disobeyed the orders of +their nurses. + +Even the wretched little climbing-boys had their gala-day on the 1st of +May, when they had a holiday and a feast under the terms of Mrs. +Montagu's will. + +The story of Mrs. Montagu is well known. The large house standing in a +garden at the corner of Portman Square and Gloucester Place, now owned +by Lord Portman, was built for Mrs. Montagu by James Wyatt at the end +of the eighteenth century, and the adjoining Montagu Street and Montagu +Square derive their names from her. Somehow Mrs. Montagu's only son got +kidnapped, and all attempts to recover the child failed. Time went on, +and he was regarded as dead. On a certain 1st of May the sweeps arrived +to clean Mrs. Montagu's chimneys, and a climbing-boy was sent up to his +horrible task. Like Tom in the Water-Babies, he lost his way in the +network of flues and emerged in a different room to the one he had +started from. Something in the aspect of the room struck a +half-familiar, half-forgotten chord in his brain. He turned the handle +of the door of the next room and found a lady seated there. Then he +remembered. Filthy and soot-stained as he was, the little sweep flung +himself into the arms of the beautiful lady with a cry of "Mother!" +Mrs. Montagu had found her lost son. + +In gratitude for the recovery of her son, Mrs. Montagu entertained +every climbing-boy in London at dinner on the anniversary of her son's +return, and arranged that they should all have a holiday on that day. +At her death she left a legacy to continue the treat. + +Such, at least, is the story as I have always heard it. + +At the Sweeps' Carnival, there was always a grown-up man figuring as +"Jack-in-the-green." Encased in an immense frame of wicker-work covered +with laurels and artificial flowers, from the midst of which his face +and arms protruded with a comical effect, "Jack-in-the-green" capered +slowly about in the midst of the street, surrounded by some twenty +little climbing-boys, who danced joyously round him with black faces, +their soot-stained clothes decorated with tags of bright ribbon, and +making a deafening clamour with their dustpans and brushes as they sang +some popular ditty. They then collected money from the passers-by, +making usually quite a good haul. There were dozens of these +"Jacks-in-the-green" to be seen then on Mayday in the London streets, +each one with his attendant band of little black familiars. I summoned +up enough courage once to ask a small inky-black urchin whether he had +disobeyed his nurse very often in order to be condemned to sweep +chimneys. He gaped at me uncomprehendingly, with a grin; but being a +cheerful little soul, assured me that, on the whole, he rather enjoyed +climbing up chimneys. + +It was my father and mother's custom in London to receive any of their +friends at luncheon without a formal invitation, and a constant +procession of people availed themselves of this privilege. At six years +of age I was promoted to lunch in the dining-room with my parents, and +I always kept my ears open. I had then one brother in the House of +Commons, and we being a politically inclined family, most of the +notabilities of the Tory party put in occasional appearances at +Chesterfield House at luncheon-time. There was Mr. Disraeli, for whom +my father had an immense admiration, although he had not yet occupied +the post of Prime Minister. Mr. Disraeli's curiously impassive face, +with its entire absence of colouring, rather frightened me. It looked +like a mask. He had, too, a most singular voice, with a very impressive +style of utterance. After 1868, by which time my three elder brothers +were all in the House of Commons, and Disraeli himself was Prime +Minister, he was a more frequent visitor at our house. + +In 1865 my uncle, Lord John Russell, my mother's brother, was Prime +Minister. My uncle, who had been born as far back as 1792, was a very +tiny man, who always wore one of the old-fashioned, high black-satin +stocks right up to his chin. I liked him, for he was always full of fun +and small jokes, but in that rigorously Tory household he was looked on +with scant favour. It was his second term of office as Prime Minister, +for he had been First Lord of the Treasury from 1846 to 1852; he had +also sat in the House of Commons for forty-seven years. My father was +rather inclined to ridicule his brother-in-law's small stature, and +absolutely detested his political opinions, declaring that he united +all the ineradicable faults of the Whigs in his diminutive person. +Listening, as a child will do, to the conversation of his elders, I +derived the most grotesquely false ideas as to the Whigs and their +traditional policy. I gathered that, with their tongues in their +cheeks, they advocated measures in which they did not themselves +believe, should they think that by so doing they would be able to +enhance their popularity and maintain themselves in office: that, in +order to extricate themselves from some present difficulty, they were +always prepared to mortgage the future recklessly, quite regardless of +the ultimate consequences: that whilst professing the most liberal +principles, they were absurdly exclusive in their private lives, not +consorting with all and sundry as we poor Tories did: that convictions +mattered less than office: that in fact nothing much mattered, provided +that the government of the country remained permanently in the hands of +a little oligarchy of Whig families, and that every office of profit +under the Crown was, as a matter of course, allotted to some member of +those favoured families. In proof of the latter statement, I learnt +that the first act of my uncle Lord John, as Prime Minister, had been +to appoint one of his brothers Sergeant-at-Arms of the House of +Commons, and to offer to another of his brothers, the Rev. Lord +Wriothesley Russell, the vacant Bishopric of Oxford. Much to the credit +of my clergyman-uncle, he declined the Bishopric, saying that he had +neither the eloquence nor the administrative ability necessary for so +high an office in the Church, and that he preferred to remain a plain +country parson in his little parish, of which, at the time of his +death, he had been Rector for fifty-six years. All of which only goes +to show what absurdly erroneous ideas a child, anxious to learn, may +pick up from listening to the conversation of his elders, even when one +of those elders happened to be Mr. Disraeli himself. + +Another ex-Prime Minister who was often at our house was the fourth +Earl of Aberdeen, who had held office many times, and had been Prime +Minister during the Crimean War. He must have been a very old man then, +for he was born in 1784. I have no very distinct recollection of him. +Oddly enough, Lord Aberdeen was both my great-uncle and my +step-grandfather, for his first wife had been my grandfather's sister, +and after her death, he married my grandfather's widow, his two wives +thus being sisters-in-law. Judging by their portraits by Lawrence, +which hung round our dining-room, my great-grandfather, old Lord +Abercorn's sons and daughters must have been of singular and quite +unusual personal beauty. Not one of the five attained the age of +twenty-nine, all of them succumbing early to consumption. Lord Aberdeen +had a most unfortunate skin and complexion, and in addition he was +deeply pitted with small-pox. As a result his face looked exactly like +a slice of brown bread, and "Old Brown Bread" he was always called by +my elder brothers and sisters, who had but little love for him, for he +disliked young people, and always made the most disagreeable remarks he +could think of to them. I remember once being taken to see him at +Argyll House, Regent Street, on the site of which the "Palladium" now +stands. I recollect perfectly the ugly, gloomy house, and its uglier +and gloomier garden, but I have no remembrance of "Old Brown Bread" +himself, or of what he said to me, which, considering his notorious +dislike to children, is perhaps quite as well. + +Of a very different type was another constant and always welcome +visitor to our house, Sir Edwin Landseer, the painter. He was one of my +father and mother's oldest friends, and had been an equally close +friend of my grandparents, the Duke and Duchess of Bedford. He had +painted three portraits of my father, and five of my mother. Two of the +latter had been engraved, and, under the titles of "Cottage Industry" +and "The Mask," had a very large sale in mid-Victorian days. His large +picture of my two eldest sisters, which hung over our dining-room +chimney-piece, had also been engraved, and was a great favourite, under +the title of "The Abercorn Children." Landseer was a most delightful +person, and the best company that can be imagined. My father and mother +were quite devoted to him, and both of them always addressed him as +"Lanny." My mother going to call on him at his St. John's Wood house, +found "Lanny" in the garden, working from a ladder on a gigantic mass +of clay. Turning the corner, she was somewhat alarmed at finding a +full-grown lion stretched out on the lawn. Landseer had been +commissioned by the Government to model the four lions for the base of +Nelson's pillar in Trafalgar Square. He had made some studies in the +Zoological Gardens, but as he always preferred working from the live +model, he arranged that an elderly and peculiarly docile lion should be +brought to his house from the Zoo in a furniture van attended by two +keepers. Should any one wish to know what that particular lion looked +like, they have only to glance at the base of the Nelson pillar. On +paying an afternoon call, it is so unusual to find a live lion included +amongst the guests, that my mother's perturbation at finding herself in +such close proximity to a huge loose carnivore is, perhaps, pardonable. +Landseer is, of course, no longer in fashion as a painter. I quite own +that at times his colour is unpleasing, owing to the bluish tint +overlaying it; but surely no one will question his draughtsmanship? And +has there ever been a finer animal-painter? Perhaps he was really a +black-and-white man. My family possess some three hundred drawings of +his: some in pen and ink, some in wash, some in pencil. I personally +prefer his very delicate pencil work, over which he sometimes threw a +light wash of colour. No one, seeing some of his pen and ink work, can +deny that he was a master of line. A dozen scratches, and the whole +picture is there! There is a charming little Landseer portrait of my +mother with my eldest sister, in Room III of the Tate Gallery. Landseer +preferred painting on panel, and he never would allow his pictures to +be varnished. His wishes have been obeyed in that respect; none of the +Landseers my family possess have ever been varnished. + +He was certainly an unconventional guest in a country house. My father +had rented a deer-forest on a long lease from Cluny Macpherson, and had +built a large house there, on Loch Laggan. As that was before the days +of railways, the interior of the house at Ardverikie was necessarily +very plain, and the rooms were merely whitewashed. Landseer complained +that the glare of the whitewash in the dining-room hurt his eyes, and +without saying a word to any one, he one day produced his colours, +mounted a pair of steps, and proceeded to rough-in a design in charcoal +on the white walls. He worked away until he had completely covered the +walls with frescoes in colour. The originals of some of his best-known +engravings, "The Sanctuary," "The Challenge," "The Monarch of the +Glen," made their first appearance on the walls of the dining-room at +Ardverikie. The house was unfortunately destroyed by fire some years +later, and Landseer's frescoes perished with it. + +At another time, my father leased for two years a large house in the +Midlands. The dining-hall of this house was hung with hideously wooden +full-length portraits of the family owning it. Landseer declared that +these monstrous pictures took away his appetite, so without any +permission he one day mounted a ladder, put in high-lights with white +chalk over the oils, made the dull eyes sparkle, and gave some +semblance of life to these forlorn effigies. Pleased with his success, +he then brightened up the flesh tints with red chalk, and put some +drawing into the faces. To complete his work, he rubbed blacks into the +backgrounds with charcoal. The result was so excellent that we let it +remain. At the conclusion of my father's tenancy, the family to whom +the place belonged were perfectly furious at the disrespect with which +their cherished portraits had been treated, for it was a traditional +article of faith with them that they were priceless works of art. + +Towards the end of his life Landseer became hopelessly insane and, +during his periods of violence a dangerous homicidal maniac. Such an +affection, however, had my father and mother for the friend of their +younger days, that they still had him to stay with us in Kent for long +periods. He had necessarily to bring a large retinue with him: his own +trained mental attendant; Dr. Tuke, a very celebrated alienist in his +day; and, above all, Mrs. Pritchard. The case of Mrs. Pritchard is such +an instance of devoted friendship as to be worth recording. She was an +elderly widow of small means, Landseer's neighbour in St. John's Wood; +a little dried-up, shrivelled old woman. The two became firm allies, +and when Landseer's reason became hopelessly deranged, Mrs. Pritchard +devoted her whole life to looking after her afflicted friend. In spite +of her scanty means, she refused to accept any salary, and Landseer was +like wax in her hands. In his most violent moods when the keeper and +Dr. Tuke both failed to quiet him, Mrs. Pritchard had only to hold up +her finger and he became calm at once. Either his clouded reason or +some remnant of his old sense of fun led him to talk of Mrs. Pritchard +as his "pocket Venus." To people staying with us (who, I think, were a +little alarmed at finding themselves in the company of a lunatic, +however closely watched he might be), he would say, "In two minutes you +will see the loveliest of her sex. A little dainty creature, perfect in +feature, perfect in shape, who might have stepped bodily out of the +frame of a Greuze. A perfect dream of loveliness." They were +considerably astonished when a little wizened woman, with a face like a +withered apple, entered the room. He was fond, too, of descanting on +Mrs. Pritchard's wonderfully virtuous temperament, notwithstanding her +amazing charms. Visitors probably reflected that, given her appearance, +the path of duty must have been rendered very easy to her. + +Landseer painted his last Academy picture, "The Baptismal Font," whilst +staying with us. It is a perfectly meaningless composition, +representing a number of sheep huddled round a font, for whatever +allegorical significance he originally meant to give it eluded the poor +clouded brain. As he always painted from the live model, he sent down +to the Home Farm for two sheep, which he wanted driven upstairs into +his bedroom, to the furious indignation of the housekeeper, who +declared, with a certain amount of reason, that it was impossible to +keep a house well if live sheep were to be allowed in the best +bedrooms. So Landseer, his easel and colours and his sheep were all +transferred to the garden. + +On another occasion there was some talk about a savage bull. Landseer, +muttering, "Bulls! bulls! bulls!" snatched up an album of my sister's, +and finding a blank page in it, made an exquisite little drawing of a +charging bull. The disordered brain repeating "Bulls! bulls! bulls!" he +then drew a bulldog, a pair of bullfinches surrounded by bulrushes, and +a hooked bull trout fighting furiously for freedom. That page has been +cut out and framed for fifty years. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +The "swells" of the "sixties"--Old Lord Claud Hamilton--My first +presentation to Queen Victoria--Scandalous behaviour of a +brother--Queen Victoria's letters--Her character and strong common +sense--My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.--Carlton +House, and the Brighton Pavilion--Queen Alexandra--The Fairchild +Family--Dr. Cumming and his church--A clerical Jazz--First visit to +Paris--General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's campaign of +1812--Another curious link with the past--"Something +French"--Attraction of Paris--Cinderella's glass slipper--A glimpse of +Napoleon III.--The Rue de Rivoli The Riviera in 1865--A novel Tricolor +flag--Jenny Lind--The championship of the Mediterranean--My father's +boat and crew--The race--The Abercorn wins the championship. + + +Every one familiar with John Leech's Pictures from Punch must have an +excellent idea of the outward appearance of "swells" of the "sixties." + +As a child I had an immense admiration for these gorgeous beings, +though, between ourselves, they must have been abominably loud +dressers. They affected rather vulgar sealskin waistcoats, with the +festoons of a long watch-chain meandering over them, above which they +exhibited a huge expanse of black or blue satin, secured by two +scarf-pins of the same design, linked together, like Siamese twins, by +a little chain. + +A reference to Leech's drawings will show the flamboyant checked +"pegtop" trousers in which they delighted. Their principal adornment +lay in their immense "Dundreary" whiskers, usually at least eight +inches long. In a high wind these immensely long whiskers blew back +over their owners' shoulders in the most comical fashion, and they must +have been horribly inconvenient. I determined early in life to affect, +when grown-up, longer whiskers than any one else--if possible down to +my waist; but alas for human aspirations! By the time that I had +emerged from my chrysalis stage, Dundreary whiskers had ceased to be +the fashion; added to which unkind Nature had given me a hairless face. + +My uncle, old Lord Claud Hamilton, known in our family as "The +Dowager," adhered, to the day of his death, to the William IV. style of +dress. He wore an old-fashioned black-satin stock right up to his chin, +with white "gills" above, and was invariably seen in a blue coat with +brass buttons, and a buff waistcoat. My uncle was one of the handsomest +men in England, and had sat for nearly forty years in Parliament. He +had one curious faculty. He could talk fluently and well on almost any +topic at indefinite length, a very useful gift in the House of Commons +of those days. On one occasion when it was necessary "to talk a Bill +out," he got up without any preparation whatever, and addressed the +House in flowing periods for four hours and twenty minutes. His speech +held the record for length for many years, but it was completely +eclipsed in the early "eighties" by the late Mr. Biggar, who spoke (if +my memory serves me right) for nearly six hours on one occasion. +Biggar, however, merely read interminable extracts from Blue Books, +whereas my uncle indulged in four hours of genuine rhetorical +declamation. My uncle derived his nickname from the fact that in our +family the second son is invariably christened Claud, so I had already +a brother of that name. There happen to be three Lord Claud Hamiltons +living now, of three successive generations. + +I shall never forget my bitter disappointment the first time I was +taken, at a very early age, to see Queen Victoria. I had pictured to +myself a dazzling apparition arrayed in sumptuous robes, seated on a +golden throne; a glittering crown on her head, a sceptre in one hand, +an orb grasped in the other. I had fancied Her Majesty seated thus, +motionless during the greater part of the twenty-four hours, simply +"reigning." I could have cried with disappointment when a middle-aged +lady, simply dressed in widow's "weeds" and wearing a widow's cap, rose +from an ordinary arm-chair to receive us. I duly made my bow, but +having a sort of idea that it had to be indefinitely repeated, went on +nodding like a porcelain Chinese mandarin, until ordered to stop. + +Between ourselves, I behaved far better than a brother of mine once did +under similar circumstances. Many years before I was born, my father +lent his Scotch house to Queen Victoria and the Prince Consort for ten +days. This entailed my two eldest sisters and two eldest brothers +vacating their nurseries in favour of the Royal children, and their +being transferred to the farm, where they had very cramped quarters +indeed. My second brother deeply resented being turned out of his +comfortable nursery, and refused to be placated. On the day after the +Queen's arrival, my mother took her four eldest children to present +them to Her Majesty, my sisters dressed in their best clothes, my +brothers being in kilts. They were duly instructed as to how they were +to behave, and upon being presented, my two sisters made their +curtsies, and my eldest brother made his best bow. "And this, your +Majesty, is my second boy. Make your bow, dear," said my mother; but my +brother, his heart still hot within him at being expelled from his +nursery, instead of bowing, STOOD ON HIS HEAD IN HIS KILT, and remained +like that, an accomplishment of which he was very proud. The Queen was +exceedingly angry, so later in the day, upon my brother professing deep +penitence, he was taken back to make his apologies, when he did +precisely the same thing over again, and was consequently in disgrace +during the whole of the Royal visit. In strict confidence, I believe +that he would still do it to-day, more than seventy-two years later. + +During her stay in my father's house the Queen quite unexpectedly +announced that she meant to give a dance. This put my mother in a great +difficulty, for my sisters had no proper clothes for a ball, and in +those pre-railway days it would have taken at least ten days to get +anything from Edinburgh or Glasgow. My mother had a sudden inspiration. +The muslin curtains in the drawing-room! The drawing-room curtains were +at once commandeered; the ladies'-maids set to work with a will, and I +believe that my sisters looked extremely well dressed in the curtains, +looped up with bunches of rowan or mountain-ash berries. + +My mother was honoured with Queen Victoria's close friendship and +confidence for over fifty years. At the time of her death she had in +her possession a numerous collection of letters from the Queen, many of +them very long ones. By the express terms of my mother's will, those +letters will never be published. Many of them touch on exceedingly +private matters relating to the Royal family, others refer to various +political problems of the day. I have read all those letters carefully, +and I fully endorse my mother's views. She was honoured with the +confidence of her Sovereign, and that confidence cannot be betrayed. +The letters are in safe custody, and there they will remain. On reading +them it is impossible not to be struck with Queen Victoria's amazing +shrewdness, and with her unfailing common sense. It so happens that +both a brother and a sister of mine, the late Duchess of Buccleuch, +were brought into very close contact with Queen Victoria. It was this +quality of strong common sense in the Queen which continually impressed +them, as well as her very high standard of duty. + +My brother George was twice Secretary of State for India. The Queen was +fond of suggesting amendments in the wording of dispatches relating to +India, whilst not altering their sense. My brother tells me that the +alterations suggested by the Queen were invariably in the direction of +simplification. The Queen had a knack of stripping away unnecessary +verbiage and reducing a sentence to its simplest form, in which its +meaning was unmistakably clear. + +All Queen Victoria's tastes were simple. She liked simplicity in dress, +in food, and in her surroundings. If I may say so without disrespect, I +think that Queen Victoria's great hold on her people came from the fact +that, in spite of her high station, she had the ideals, the tastes, the +likes and dislikes of the average clean-living, clean-minded wife of +the average British professional man, together with the strict ideals +as to the sanctity of the marriage-tie, the strong sense of duty, and +the high moral standard such wives usually possess. + +It is, of course, the easy fashion now to sneer at Victorian standards. +To my mind they embody all that is clean and sound in the nation. It +does not follow that because Victorians revelled in hideous wall-papers +and loved ugly furniture, that therefore their points-of-view were +mistaken ones. There are things more important than wall-papers. They +certainly liked the obvious in painting, in music, and perhaps in +literature, but it hardly seems to follow logically from that, that +their conceptions of a man's duty to his wife, family, and country were +necessarily false ones. They were not afflicted with the perpetual +modern restlessness, nor did they spend "their time in nothing else, +but either to tell, or to hear some new thing"; still, all their ideas +seem to me eminently sweet and wholesome. + +In her old age my mother was the last person living who had seen George +III. She remembered perfectly seeing the old King, in one of his rare +lucid intervals, driving through London, when he was enthusiastically +cheered. + +She was also the last person alive who had been at Carlton House which +was pulled down in 1826. My mother at the age of twelve danced as a +solo "The Spanish Shawl dance" before George IV. at the Pavilion, +Brighton. The King was so delighted with her dancing that he went up to +her and said, "You are a very pretty little girl, and you dance +charmingly. Now is there anything I can do for you?" The child +answered, "Yes, there is. Your Majesty can bring me some ham sandwiches +and a glass of port-wine negus, for I am very hungry," and to do George +IV. justice, he promptly brought them. My mother was painted by a +French artist doing her "shawl dance," and if it is a faithful +likeness, she must have been an extraordinarily pretty child. On +another occasion at a children's party at Carlton House, my uncle, +General Lord Alexander Russell, a very outspoken little boy, had been +warned by his mother, the Duchess of Bedford, that though the King wore +a palpable wig, he was to take no notice whatever of it. To my mother's +dismay, she heard her little brother go up to the King and say, "I know +that your Majesty wears a wig, but I've been told not to say anything +about it, so I promised not to tell any one." + +Carlton House stood, from all I can learn, at the top of the Duke of +York's steps. Several engravings of its beautiful gardens are still to +be found. These gardens extended from the present Carlton House Terrace +to Pall Mall. Not only the Terrace, but the Carlton, Reform, +Travellers', Athenaeum, and United Service Clubs now stand on their +site. They were separated from Pall Mall by an open colonnade, and the +Corinthian pillars from the front of Carlton House were re-erected in +1834 as the portico of the National Gallery in Trafalgar Square. + +As a child I had a wild adoration for Queen Alexandra (then, of course, +Princess of Wales), whom I thought the most beautiful person I had ever +seen in my life, and I dare say that I was not far wrong. When I was +taken to Marlborough House, I remembered and treasured up every single +word she said to me. I was not present at the child's tea-party at +Marlborough House given by the little Princess, including his present +Majesty, when SOME ONE (my loyalty absolutely refuses to let me say +who) suggested that as the woven flowers on the carpet looked rather +faded, it might be as well to water them. The boys present, including +the little Princes, gleefully emptied can after can of water on to the +floor in their attempts to revive the carpet, to the immense +improvement of the ceiling and furniture of the room underneath. + +In the "sixties" Sunday was very strictly observed. In our own +Sabbatarian family, our toys and books all disappeared on Saturday +night. On Sundays we were only allowed to read Line upon Line, The Peep +of Day, and The Fairchild Family. I wonder if any one ever reads this +book now. If they haven't, they should. Mr. and Mrs. Fairchild were, I +regret to say it, self-righteous prigs of the deepest dye, whilst Lucy, +Emily, and Henry, their children, were all little prodigies of +precocious piety. It was a curious menage; Mr. Fairchild having no +apparent means of livelihood, and no recreations beyond perpetually +reading the Bible under a tree in the garden. Mrs. Fairchild had the +peculiar gift of being able to recite a different prayer off by heart +applicable to every conceivable emergency; whilst John, their +man-servant, was a real "handy-man," for he was not only gardener, but +looked after the horse and trap, cleaned out the pigsties, and waited +at table. One wonders in what sequence he performed his various duties, +but perhaps the Fairchilds had not sensitive noses. Even the possibly +odoriferous John had a marvellous collection of texts at his command. +It was refreshing after all this to learn that on one occasion all +three of the little Fairchilds got very drunk, which, as the eldest of +them was only ten, would seem to indicate that, in spite of their +aggressive piety, they had their fair dose of original sin still left +in them. I liked the book notwithstanding. There was plenty about +eating and drinking; one could always skip the prayers, and there were +three or four very brightly written accounts of funerals in it. I was +present at a "Fairchild Family" dinner given some twenty years ago in +London by Lady Buxton, wife of the present Governor-General of South +Africa, at which every one of the guests had to enact one of the +characters of the book. + +My youngest brother had a great taste for drawing, and was perpetually +depicting terrific steeplechases. From a confusion of ideas natural to +a child, he always introduced a church steeple into the corner of his +drawings. One Sunday he had drawn a most spirited and hotly-contested +"finish" to a steeplechase. When remonstrated with on the ground that +it was not a "Sunday" subject, he pointed to the church steeple and +said, "You don't understand. This is Sunday, and those jockeys are all +racing to see which of them can get to church first," which strikes me +as a peculiarly ready and ingenious explanation for a child of six. + +In London we all went on Sundays to the Scottish Presbyterian Church in +Crown Court, just opposite Drury Lane Theatre. Dr. Cumming, the +minister of the church at that time, enjoyed an immense reputation +amongst his congregation. He was a very eloquent man, but was +principally known as always prophesying the imminent end of the world. +He had been a little unfortunate in some of the dates he had predicted +for the final cataclysm, these dates having slipped by uneventfully +without anything whatever happening, but finally definitely fixed on a +date in 1867 as the exact date of the Great Catastrophe. His influence +with his flock rather diminished when it was found that Dr. Cumming had +renewed the lease of his house for twenty-one years, only two months +before the date he had fixed with absolute certainty as being the end +of all things. All the same, I am certain that he was thoroughly in +earnest and perfectly genuine in his convictions. As a child I thought +the church--since rebuilt--absolutely beautiful, but it was in reality +a great, gaunt, barn-like structure. It was always crammed. We were +very old-fashioned, for we sat down to sing, and we stood to pray, and +there was no instrument of any sort. The pew in front of us belonged to +Lord Aberdeen, and his brother Admiral Gordon, one of the Elders, +always sat in it with his high hat on, conversing at the top of his +voice until the minister entered, when he removed his hat and kept +silence. This was, I believe, intended as a protest against the idea of +there being any special sanctity attached to the building itself qua +building. Dr. Cumming had recently introduced an anthem, a new +departure rather dubiously welcomed by his flock. It was the singular +custom of his congregation to leave their pews during the singing of +this anthem and to move about in the aisles; whether as a protest +against a daring innovation, or merely to stretch their limbs, or to +seek better places, I could never make out. + +Dr. Cumming invariably preached for over an hour, sometimes for an hour +and a half, and yet I never felt bored or wearied by his long +discourses, but really looked forward to them. This was because his +sermons, instead of consisting of a string of pious platitudes, +interspersed with trite ejaculations and irrelevant quotations, were +one long chain of closely-reasoned argument. Granted his first premiss, +his second point followed logically from it, and so he led his hearers +on point by point, all closely argued, to an indisputable conclusion. I +suppose that the inexorable logic of it all appealed to the Scottish +side of me. His preaching had the same fascination for me that Euclid's +propositions exercised later, even on my hopelessly unmathematical mind. + +Whatever the weather, we invariably walked home from Drury Lane to +South Audley Street, a long trudge for young feet, as my mother had +scruples about using the carriages on Sundays. + +Neither my father nor my mother ever dined out on a Sunday, nor did +they invite people to dinner on that day, for they wished as far as +possible to give those in their employment a day of rest. All quite +hopelessly Victorian! for, after all, why should people ever think of +anybody but themselves? + +Dr. Cumming was a great bee-fancier, and a recognised authority on +bees. Calling one day on my mother, he brought with him four queen-bees +of a new breed, each one encased in a little paper bag. He prided +himself on his skill in handling bees, and proudly exhibited those +treasures to my mother. He replaced them in their paper bags, and being +a very absent-minded man, he slipped the bags into the tail pocket of +his clerical frock-coat. Soon after he began one of his long arguments +(probably fixing the exact date of the end of the world), and, totally +oblivious of the presence of the bees in his tail pocket, he leant +against the mantelpiece. The queen-bees, naturally resenting the +pressure, stung him through the cloth on that portion of his anatomy +immediately nearest to their temporary prison. Dr. Cumming yelled with +pain, and began skipping all round the room. It so tickled my fancy to +see the grim and austere minister, who towered above me in the pulpit +every Sunday, executing a sort of solo-Jazz dance up and down the big +room, punctuated with loud cries, that I rolled about on the floor with +laughter. + +The London of the "sixties" was a very dark and dingy place. The +streets were sparingly lit with the dimmest of gas-jets set very far +apart: the shop-windows made no display of lights, and the general +effect was one of intense gloom. + +Until I was seven years old, I had never left the United Kingdom. We +then all went to Paris for a fortnight, on our way to the Riviera. I +well remember leaving London at 7 a.m. on a January morning, in the +densest of fogs. So thick was the fog that the footman had to lead the +horses all the way to Charing Cross Station. Ten hours later I found +myself in a fairy city of clean white stone houses, literally blazing +with light. I had never imagined such a beautiful, attractive place, +and indeed the contrast between the dismal London of the "sixties" and +this brilliant, glittering town was unbelievable. Paris certainly +deserved the title of "La Ville Lumiere" in a literal sense. I like the +French expression, "une ville ruisselante de lumiere," "a city dripping +with light." That is an apt description of the Paris of the Second +Empire, for it was hardly a manufacturing city then, and the great rim +of outlying factories that now besmirch the white stone of its house +fronts had not come into existence, the atmosphere being as clear as in +the country. A naturally retentive memory is apt to store up perfectly +useless items of information. What possible object can there be to my +remembering that the engine which hauled us from Calais to Paris in +1865 was built by J. Cail of Paris, on the "Crampton" system; that is, +that the axle of the big single driving-wheels did not run under the +frame of the engine, but passed through the "cab" immediately under the +pressure-gauge?--nor can any useful purpose be served in recalling that +we crossed the Channel in the little steamer La France. + +In those days people of a certain class in England maintained far +closer social relations with people of the corresponding class in +France than is the custom now, and this was mutual. Society in both +capitals was far smaller. My father and mother had many friends in +Paris, and amongst the oldest of them were the Comte and Comtesse de +Flahault. General de Flahault had been the personal aide-de-camp and +trusted friend of Napoleon I. Some people, indeed, declared that his +connection with Napoleon III. was of a far closer nature, for his great +friendship with Queen Hortense was a matter of common knowledge. For +some reason or another the old General took a fancy to me, and finding +that I could talk French fluently, he used to take me to his room, +stuff me with chocolate, and tell me about Napoleon's Russian campaign +in 1812, in which he had taken part, I was then seven years old, and +the old Comte must have been seventy-eight or so, but it is curious +that I should have heard from the actual lips of a man who had taken +part in it, the account of the battle of Borodino, of the entry of the +French troops into Moscow, of the burning of Moscow, and of the awful +sufferings the French underwent during their disastrous retreat from +Moscow. General de Flahault had been present at the terrible carnage of +the crossing of the Beresina on November 26, 1812, and had got both his +feet frost-bitten there, whilst his faithful servant David had died +from the effects of the cold. I wish that I could have been older then, +or have had more historical knowledge, for it was a unique opportunity +for acquiring information. I wish, too, that I could recall more of +what M. de Flahault told me. I have quite vivid recollections of the +old General himself, of the room in which we sat, and especially of the +chocolates which formed so agreeable an accompaniment to our +conversations. Still it remains an interesting link with the Napoleonic +era. This is 1920; that was 1812! + +I can never hear Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" without thinking of +General de Flahault. The present Lord Lansdowne is the Comte de +Flahault's grandson. + +Nearly fifty years later another interesting link with the past was +forged. I was dining with Prince and Princess Christian of +Schleswig-Holstein at Schomberg House. When the ladies left the room +after dinner, H. R. H. was good enough to ask me to sit next him. Some +train of thought was at work in the Prince's mind, for he suddenly +said, "Do you know that you are sitting next a man who once took +Napoleon I.'s widow, the Empress Marie Louise, in to dinner?" and the +Prince went on to say that as a youth of seventeen he had accompanied +his father on a visit to the Emperor of Austria at Schonbrunn. On the +occasion of a state dinner, one of the Austrian Archdukes became +suddenly indisposed. Sooner than upset all the arrangements, the young +Prince of Schleswig-Holstein was given the ex-Empress to lead in to +dinner. + +I must again repeat that this is 1920. Napoleon married Marie Louise in +1810. + +Both my younger brother and I were absolutely fascinated by Paris, its +streets and public gardens. As regards myself, something of the glamour +of those days still remains; Paris is not quite to me as other towns, +and I love its peculiar smell, which a discriminating nose would +analyse as one-half wood-smoke, one-quarter roasting coffee, and +one-quarter drains. During the eighteen years of the Second Empire, +Paris reached a height of material prosperity and of dazzling +brilliance which she has never known before nor since. The undisputed +social capital of Europe, the equally undisputed capital of literature +and art, the great pleasure-city of the world, she stood alone and +without a rival. "La Ville Lumiere!" My mother remembered the Paris of +her youth as a place of tortuous, abominably paved, dimly lit streets, +poisoned with atrocious smells; this glittering town of palaces and +broad white avenues was mainly the creation of Napoleon III. himself, +aided by Baron Georges Haussmann and the engineer Adolphe Alphand, who +between them evolved and made the splendid Paris that we know. + +We loved the Tuileries gardens, a most attractive place for children in +those days. There were swings and merry-go-rounds; there were stalls +where hot brioches and gaufres were to be bought; there were, above +all, little marionette theatres where the most fascinating dramas were +enacted. Our enjoyment of these performances was rather marred by our +anxious nurse, who was always terrified lest there should be "something +French" in the little plays; something quite unfitted for the eyes and +ears of two staid little Britons. As the worthy woman was a most +indifferent French scholar, we were often hurried away quite +unnecessarily from the most innocuous performances when our faithful +watch-dog scented the approach of "something French." All the shops +attracted us, but especially the delightful toy-shops. Here, again, we +were seldom allowed to linger, our trusty guardian being obsessed with +the idea that the toy-shops might include amongst their wares +"something French." She was perfectly right; there WAS often something +"very French," but my brother and I had always seen it and noted it +before we were moved off from the windows. + +I wonder if any "marchands de coco" still survive in Paris. "Coco" had +nothing to do with cocoa, but was a most mawkish beverage compounded +principally of liquorice and water. The attraction about it lay in the +great tank the vendor carried strapped to his back. This tank was +covered with red velvet and gold tinsel, and was surmounted with a +number of little tinkling silver bells. In addition to that, the +"marchand de coco" carried all over him dozens of silver goblets, or, +at all events, goblets that looked like silver, in which he handed out +his insipid brew. Who would not long to drink out of a silver cup a +beverage that flowed out of a red and gold tank, covered with little +silver bells, be it never so mawkish? + +The gardens of the Luxembourg were, if anything, even more attractive +than the Tuileries gardens. + +Another delightful place for children was the Hippodrome, long since +demolished and built over. It was a huge open-air stadium, where, in +addition to ordinary circus performances, there were chariot-races and +gladiatorial combats. The great attraction of the Hippodrome was that +all the performers were driven into the arena in a real little +Cinderella gilt coach, complete with four little ponies, a diminutive +coachman, and two tiny little footmen. + +Talking of Cinderella, I always wonder that no one has pointed out the +curious mistake the original translator of this story fell into. If any +one will take the trouble to consult Perrault's Cendrillon in the +original French, he or she will find that Cinderella went to the ball +with her feet encased in "des pantoufles de vair." Now, vair means grey +or white fur, ermine or miniver. The word is now obsolete, though it +still survives in heraldry. The translator, misled by the similarity of +sound between "vair" and "verre," rendered it "glass" instead of +"ermine," and Cinderella's glass slippers have become a British +tradition. What would "Cinderella" be as a pantomime without the scene +where she triumphantly puts on her glass slipper? And yet, a little +reflection would show that it would be about as easy to dance in a pair +of glass slippers as it would in a pair of fisherman's waders. + +I remember well seeing Napoleon III. and the Empress Eugenie driving +down the Rue de Rivoli on their return from the races at Longchamp. I +and my brother were standing close to the edge of the pavement, and +they passed within a few feet of us. They were driving in a +char-a-banes--in French parlance, "attele a la Daumont"--that is, with +four horses, of which the wheelers are driven from the box by a +coachman, and the leaders ridden by a postilion. The Emperor and +Empress were attended by an escort of mounted Cent-Gardes, and over the +carriage there was a curious awning of light blue silk, with a heavy +gold fringe, probably to shield the occupants from the sun at the +races. I thought the Emperor looked very old and tired, but the Empress +was still radiantly beautiful. My young brother, even then a bigoted +little patriot, obstinately refused to take off his cap. "He isn't MY +Emperor," he kept repeating, "and I won't do it." The shrill cries of +"Vive l'Empereur!" seemed to me a very inadequate substitute for the +full-throated cheers with which our own Queen was received when she +drove through London. I used to hear the Emperor alluded to as +"Badinguet" by the hall-porter of our hotel, who was a Royalist, and +consequently detested the Bonapartes. + +My father had been on very friendly terms with Napoleon III., then +Prince Louis Napoleon, during the period of his exile in London in +1838, when he lived in King Street, St. James'. Prince Louis Napoleon +acted as my father's "Esquire" at the famous Eglinton Tournament in +August, 1839. The tournament, over which such a vast amount of trouble +and expense had been lavished, was ruined by an incessant downpour of +rain, which lasted four days. My father gave me as a boy the "Challenge +Shield" with coat of arms, which hung outside his tent at the +tournament, and that shield has always accompanied me in my wanderings. +It hangs within a few feet of me as I write, as it hung forty-three +years ago in my room in Berlin, and later in Petrograd, Lisbon, and +Buenos Ayres. + +One of the great sights of Paris in the "sixties," whilst it was still +gas-lighted, was the "cordon de lumiere de la Rue de Rivoli." As every +one knows, the Rue de Rivoli is nearly two miles long, and runs +perfectly straight, being arcaded throughout its length. In every arch +of the arcades there hung then a gas lamp. At night the continuous +ribbon of flame from these lamps, stretching in endless vista down the +street, was a fascinatingly beautiful sight. Every French provincial +who visited Paris was expected to admire the "cordon de lumiere de la +Rue de Rivoli." Now that electricity has replaced gas, I fancy that the +lamps are placed further apart, and so the effect of a continuous +quivering band of yellow flame is lost. Equally every French provincial +had to admire the "luxe de gaz" of the Place de la Concorde. It +certainly blazed with gas, but now with electric arc-lamps there is +double the light with less than a tenth of the number of old flickering +gas-lamps; another example of quality vs. quantity. + +Most of my father and mother's French friends lived in the Faubourg +Saint Germain. Their houses, though no doubt very fine for +entertaining, were dark and gloomy in the daytime. Our little friends +of my own age seemed all to inhabit dim rooms looking into courtyards, +where, however, we were bidden to unbelievably succulent repasts, very +different to the plain fare to which we were accustomed at home. Both +my brother and myself were, I think, unconscious as to whether we were +speaking English or French; we could express ourselves with equal +facility in either language. When I first went to school, I could speak +French as well as English, and it is a wonderful tribute to the +efficient methods of teaching foreign languages practised in our +English schools, that at the end of nine years of French lessons, both +at a preparatory school and at Harrow, I had not forgotten much more +than seventy-five per cent. of the French I knew when I went there. In +the same way, after learning German at Harrow for two-and-a-half years, +my linguistic attainments in that language were limited to two words, +ja and nein. It is true that, for some mysterious reason, German was +taught us at Harrow by a Frenchman who had merely a bowing +acquaintanceship with the tongue. + +In 1865 the fastest train from Paris to the Riviera took twenty-six +hours to accomplish the journey, and then was limited to first-class +passengers. There were, of course, neither dining-cars nor sleeping +cars, no heating, and no toilet accommodation. Eight people were jammed +into a first-class compartment, faintly lit by the dim flicker of an +oil-lamp, and there they remained. I remember that all the French +ladies took off their bonnets or hats, and replaced them with thick +knitted woollen hoods and capes combined, which they fastened tightly +round their heads. They also drew on knitted woollen over-boots; these, +I suppose, were remnants of the times, not very far distant then, when +all-night journeys had frequently to be made in the diligence. + +The Riviera of 1865 was not the garish, flamboyant rendezvous of +cosmopolitan finance, of ostentatious newly acquired wealth, and of +highly decorative ladies which it has since become. Cannes, in +particular, was a quiet little place of surpassing beauty, frequented +by a few French and English people, most of whom were there on account +of some delicate member of their families. We went there solely because +my sister, Lady Mount Edgcumbe, had already been attacked by +lung-disease, and to prolong her life it was absolutely necessary for +her to winter in a warm climate. Lord Brougham, the ex-Lord Chancellor, +had virtually created Cannes, as far as English people were concerned, +and the few hotels there were still unpretentious and comfortable. + +Amongst the French boys of our own age with whom we played daily was +Antoine de Mores, eldest son of the Duc de Vallombrosa. Later on in +life the Marquis de Mores became a fanatical Anglophobe, and he lost +his life leading an army of irregular Arab cavalry against the British +forces in the Sudan; murdered, if I remember rightly, by his own men. +Most regretfully do I attribute Antoine de Mores' violent Anglophobia +to the very rude things I and my brother were in the habit of saying to +him when we quarrelled, which happened on an average about four times a +day. + +The favourite game of these French boys was something like our "King of +the Castle," only that the victor had to plant his flag on the summit +of the "Castle." Amongst our young friends were the two sons of the Duc +Des Cars, a strong Legitimist, the Vallombrosa boy's family being +Bonapartists. So whilst my brother and I naturally carried "Union +Jacks," young Antoine de Mores had a tricolour, but the two Des Cars +boys carried white silk flags, with a microscopic border of blue and +red ribbon running down either side. One day, as boys will do, we +marched through the town in procession with our flags, when the police +stopped us and seized the young Des Cars' white banners, the display of +the white flag of the Bourbons being then strictly forbidden in France. +The Des Cars boys' abbe, or priest-tutor, pointed out to the police the +narrow edging of red and blue on either side, and insisted on it that +the flags were really tricolours, though the proportion in which the +colours were displayed might be an unusual one. The three colours were +undoubtedly there, so the police released the flags, though I feel sure +that that abbe must have been a Jesuit. + +The Comte de Chambord (the Henri V. of the Legitimists) was virtually +offered the throne of France in either 1874 or 1875, but all the +negotiations failed because he obstinately refused to recognise the +Tricolour, and insisted upon retaining the white flag of his ancestors. +Any one with the smallest knowledge of the psychology of the French +nation must have known that under no circumstances whatever would they +consent to abandon their adored Tricolour. The Tricolour is part of +themselves: it is a part of their very souls; it is more than a flag, +it is almost a religion. I wonder that in 1875 it never occurred to any +one to suggest to the Comte de Chambord the ingenious expedient of the +Des Cars boys. The Tricolour would be retained as the national flag, +but the King could have as his personal standard a white flag bordered +with almost invisible bands of blue and red. Technically, it would +still be a tricolour, and on the white expanse the golden fleur-de-lys +of the Bourbons could be embroidered, or any other device. + +Even had the Comte de Chambord ascended the throne, I am convinced that +his tenure of it as Henri V. would have been a very brief one, given +the temperament of the French nation. + +My youngest brother managed to contract typhoid fever at Cannes about +this time, and during his convalescence he was moved to an hotel +standing on much higher ground than our villa, on account of the +fresher air there. A Madame Goldschmidt was staying at this hotel, and +she took a great fancy to the little fellow, then about six years old. +On two occasions I found Madame Goldschmidt in my brother's room, +singing to him in a voice as sweet and spontaneous as a bird's. My +brother was a very highly favoured little mortal, for Madame +Goldschmidt was no other than the world-famous Jenny Lind, the +incomparable songstress who had had all Europe at her feet. She had +then retired from the stage for some years, but her voice was as sweet +as ever. The nineteenth century was fortunate in having produced two +such peerless singers as Adelina Patti and Jenny Lind, "the Swedish +Nightingale." The present generation are not likely to hear their +equals. Both these great singers had that same curious bird-like +quality in their voices; they sang without any effort in crystal-clear +tones, as larks sing. + +In 1865 it was announced that there would be a great regatta at Cannes +in the spring of 1866, and that the Emperor Napoleon would give a +special prize for the open rowing (not sculling) championship of the +Mediterranean. We further learnt that the whole of the French +Mediterranean fleet would be at Villefranche at the time, and that +picked oarsmen from the fleet would compete for the championship. My +father at once determined to win this prize; the idea became a perfect +obsession with him, and he determined to have a special boat built. +When we returned to England, he went to Oxford and entered into long +consultations with a famous boat-builder there. The boat, a four-oar, +had to be built on special lines. She must be light and fast, yet +capable of withstanding a heavy sea, for off Cannes the Mediterranean +can be very lumpy indeed, and it would be obviously inconvenient to +have the boat swamped, and her crew all drowned. The boat-builder +having mastered the conditions, felt certain that he could turn out the +craft required, which my father proposed to stroke himself. + +When we returned to Cannes in 1866, the completed boat was sent out by +sea, and we saw her released from her casing with immense interest. She +was christened in due form, with a bottle of champagne, by our first +cousin, the venerable Lady de Ros, and named the Abercorn. Lady de Ros +was a daughter of the Duke of Richmond, and had been present at the +famous ball in Brussels on the eve of Waterloo in 1815; a ball given by +her father in honour of her youngest sister. + +The crew then went into serious training. Bow was Sir David Erskine, +for many years Sergeant-at-Arms of the House of Commons; No. 2, my +brother-in-law, Lord Mount Edgcumbe; No. 3, General Sir George +Higginson, with my father as stroke. Lord Elphinstone, who had been in +the Navy early in life, officiated as coxswain. But my father was then +fifty-five years old, and he soon found out that his heart was no +longer equal to the strain to which so long and so very arduous a +course (three miles), in rough water, would subject it. As soon as he +realised that his age might militate against the chance of his crew +winning, he resigned his place in the boat in favour of Sir George +Higginson, who was replaced as No. 3 by Mr. Meysey-Clive. My father +took Lord Elphinstone's place as coxswain, but here, again, his weight +told against him. He was over six feet high and proportionately broad, +and he brought the boat's stern too low down in the water, so Lord +Elphinstone was re-installed, and my father most reluctantly had to +content himself with the role of a spectator, in view of his age. The +crew dieted strictly, ran in the mornings, and went to bed early. They +were none of them in their first youth, for Sir George Higginson was +then forty; Sir David Erskine was twenty-eight; my brother-in-law, Lord +Mount Edgcumbe, thirty-four; and Lord Elphinstone thirty-eight. + +The great day of the race arrived. We met with one signal piece of +ill-luck. Our No. 3, Mr. Meysey-Clive, had gone on board the French +flagship, and was unable to get ashore again in time, so at the very +last minute a young Oxford rowing-man, the late Mr. Philip Green, +volunteered to replace him, though he was not then in training. The +French men-of-war produced huge thirty-oared galleys, with two men at +each oar. There were also smaller twenty and twelve-oared boats, but +not a single "four" but ours. The sea was heavy and lumpy, the course +was five kilometres (three miles), and there was a fresh breeze blowing +off the land. Our little mahogany Oxford-built boat, lying very low in +the water, looked pitiably small beside the great French galleys. It +wasn't even David and Goliath, it was as though "Little Tich" stood up +to Georges Carpentier. We saw the race from a sailing yacht; my father +absolutely beside himself with excitement. + +Off they went! The French galleys lumbering along at a great pace, +their crews pulling a curiously short stroke, and their coxswains +yelling "En avant, mes braves!" with all the strength of their lungs. +It must have been very like the boat-race Virgil describes in the fifth +book of the Aeneid. There was the "huge Chimaera" the "mighty Centaur" +and possibly even the "dark-blue Scylla" with their modern counterparts +of Gyas, Sergestus, and Cloanthus, bawling just as lustily as doubtless +those coxswains of old shouted; no one, however, struck on the rocks, +as we are told the unfortunate "Centaur" did. Still the little +mahogany-built Abercorn continued to forge ahead of her unwieldy French +competitors. The Frenchmen splashed and spurted nobly, but the little +Oxford-built boat increased her lead, her silken "Union Jack" trailing +in the water. All the muscles of the French fleet came into play; the +admiral's barge churned the water into creaming foam; "mes braves" were +incited to superhuman exertions; in spite of it all, the Abercorn shot +past the mark-boat, a winner by a length and a half. + +My father was absolutely frantic with delight. We reached the shore +long before our crew did, for they had to return to receive the judge's +formal award. He ceremoniously decorated our boat's bows with a large +laurel-wreath, and so--her stem adorned with laurels, and the large +silk "Union Jack" trailing over her stern--the little mahogany +Oxford-built boat paddled through the lines of her French competitors. +I am sorry to have to record that the French took their defeat in a +most unsportsmanlike fashion; the little Abercorn was received all down +the line with storms of hoots and hisses. Possibly we, too, might feel +annoyed if, say at Portsmouth, in a regatta in which all the crack +oarsmen of the British Home Fleet were competing, a French four should +suddenly appear from nowhere, and walk off with the big prize of the +day. Still, the conditions of the Cannes regatta were clear; this was +an open race, open to any nationality, and to any rowing craft of any +size or build, though the result was thought a foregone certainty for +the French naval crews. + +Our crew were terribly exhausted when they landed. They had had a very +very severe pull, in a heavy sea, and with a strong head-wind against +them, and most of them were no longer young; still, after a bath and a +change of clothing, and, quite possibly, a brandy-and-soda or two +(nobody ever drank whisky in the "sixties"), they pulled themselves +together again. It was Lord Mount Edgcumbe who first suggested that as +there was an afternoon dance that day at the Cercle Nautique de la +Mediterranee, they should all adjourn to the club and dance vigorously, +just to show what sturdy, hard-bitten dogs they were, to whom a +strenuous three-mile pull in a heavy sea was a mere trifle, even though +some of them were forty years old. So off we all went to the Cercle, +and I well remember seeing my brother-in-law and Sir George Higginson +gyrating wildly and ceaselessly round the ball-room, tired out though +they were. Between ourselves, our French friends were immensely +impressed with this exhibition of British vigour, and almost forgave +our boat for having won the rowing championship of the Mediterranean. + +At the Villa Beaulieu where we lived, there were immense rejoicings +that night. Of course all our crew dined there, and I was allowed to +come down to dinner myself. Toasts were proposed; healths were drunk +again and again. Speeches were made, and the terrific cheering must +have seriously weakened the rafters and roof of the house. No one +grudged my father his immense satisfaction, for after all he had +originated the idea of winning the championship of the Mediterranean, +and had had the boat built at his sole expense, and it was not his +defects as an oarsman but his fifty-five years which had prevented him +from stroking his own boat. + +Long after I had been sent to bed, I heard the uproar from below +continuing, and, in the strictest confidence, I have every reason to +believe that they made a real night of it. + +Two of that crew are still alive. Gallant old Sir George Higginson was +born in 1826, consequently the General is now ninety-four years of age. +The splendid old veteran's mental faculties are as acute as ever; he is +not afflicted with deafness and he is still upright as a dart, though +his eyesight has failed him. It is to Sir George and to Sir David +Erskine that I am indebted for the greater portion of the details +concerning this boat-race of 1866, and of its preliminaries, for many +of these would not have come within the scope of my knowledge at nine +years of age. + +Sir David Erskine, the other member of the crew still surviving, +ex-Sergeant-at-Arms, was a most familiar, respected, and greatly +esteemed personality to all those who have sat in the House of Commons +during the last forty years. I might perhaps have put it more strongly; +for he was invariably courteous, and such a great gentleman. Sir David +was born in 1838, consequently he is now eighty-two years old. + +One of my brothers has still in his keeping a very large gold medal. +One side of it bears the effigy of "Napoleon III., Empereur des +Francais." The other side testifies that it is the "Premier Prix +d'Avirons de la Mediterrannee, 1866." The ugly hybrid word +"Championnat" for "Championship" had not then been acclimatised in +France. + +Shortly after the boat-race, being now nine years old, I went home to +England to go to school. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +A new departure--A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"--The Irish mail +service--The wonderful old paddle mail-boats--The convivial waiters of +the Munster--The Viceregal Lodge-Indians and pirates--The imagination +of youth--A modest personal ambition--Death-warrants; imaginary and +real--The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7--The Abergele railway accident--A +Dublin Drawing-Room--Strictly private ceremonials--Some of the +amenities of the Chapel Royal--An unbidden spectator of the State +dinners--Irish wit--Judge Keogh--Father Healy--Happy Dublin knack of +nomenclature--An unexpected honour and its cause--Incidents of the +Fenian rising--Dr. Hatchell--A novel prescription--Visit of King +Edward--Gorgeous ceremonial but a chilly drive--An anecdote of Queen +Alexandra. + + +Upon returning from school for my first holidays, I learnt that my +father had been appointed Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, and that we were +in consequence to live now for the greater portion of the year in +Dublin. + +We were all a little doubtful as to how we should like this new +departure. Dublin was, of course, fairly familiar to us from our stays +there, when we travelled to and from the north of Ireland. Some of the +minor customs of the "sixties" seem so remote now that it may be worth +while recalling them. In common with most Ulster people, we always +stayed at the Bilton Hotel in Dublin, a fine old Georgian house in +Sackville Street. Everything at the Bilton was old, solid, heavy, and +eminently respectable. All the plate was of real Georgian silver, and +all the furniture in the big gloomy bedrooms was of solid, not +veneered, mahogany. Quite invariably my father was received in the +hall, on arrival, by the landlord, with a silver candlestick in his +hand. The landlord then proceeded ceremoniously to "light us upstairs" +to a sitting-room on the first floor, although the staircase was bright +with gas. This was a survival from the eighteenth century, when +staircases and passages in inns were but dimly lit; but it was an +attention that was expected. In the same way, when dinner was ready in +our sitting-room, the landlord always brought in the silver soup-tureen +with his own hands, placed it ceremoniously before my father, and +removed the cover with a great flourish; after which he retired, and +left the rest to the waiter. This was another traditional attention. + +Towards the end of dinner it became my father's turn to repay these +civilities. Though he himself very rarely touched wine, he would look +down the wine-list until he found a peculiarly expensive port. This he +would order for what was then termed "the good of the house." When this +choice product of the Bilton bins made its appearance, wreathed in +cobwebs, in a wicker cradle, my father would send the waiter with a +message to the landlord, "My compliments to Mr. Massingberg, and will +he do me the favour of drinking a glass of wine with me." So the +landlord would reappear, and, sitting down opposite my father, they +would solemnly dispose of the port, and let us trust that it never gave +either of them the faintest twinge of gout. These little mutual +attentions were then expected on both sides. Neither my father nor +mother ever used the word "hotel" in speaking of any hostelry in the +United Kingdom. Like all their contemporaries, they always spoke of an +"inn." + +In 1860 a new contract had been signed with the Post Office by the +London and North-Western Railway and the City of Dublin Steam-Packet +Co., by which they jointly undertook to convey the mails between London +and Dublin in eleven hours. Up to 1860, the time occupied by the +journey was from fourteen to sixteen hours. Everything in this world +being relative, this was rapidity itself compared to the five days my +uncle, Lord John Russell, the future Prime Minister, spent on the +journey in 1806. He was then a schoolboy at Westminster, his father, +the sixth Duke of Bedford, being Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland. My uncle, +who kept a diary from his earliest days, gives an account of this +journey in it. He spent three days going by stage-coach to Holyhead, +sleeping on the way at Coventry and Chester, and thirty-eight hours +crossing the Channel in a sailing-packet. The wind shifting, the packet +had to land her passengers at Balbriggan, twenty-one miles north of +Dublin, from which my uncle took a special post-chaise to Dublin, +presenting his glad parents, on his arrival, with a bill for L31 16s., +a nice fare for a boy of fourteen to pay for going home for his +holidays! + +In order to fulfil the terms of the 1860 contract, the mail-trains had +to cover the 264 miles between London and Holyhead at an average rate +of 42 miles per hour; an unprecedented speed in those days. People then +thought themselves most heroic in entrusting their lives to a train +that travelled with such terrific velocity as the "Wild Irishman." It +was to meet this acceleration that Mr. Ramsbottom, the Locomotive +Superintendent of the London and North-Western Railway, devised a +scheme for laying water-troughs between the rails, by which the engine +could pick up water through a scoop whilst running. I have somewhere +seen this claimed as an American innovation, but the North-Western +engines have been picking up water daily now ever since 1861; nearly +sixty years ago. + +The greatest improvement, however, was effected in the cross-Channel +passage. To accomplish the sixty-five miles between Holyhead and +Kingstown in the contract time of four hours, the City of Dublin Co. +built four paddle-vessels, far exceeding any cross-Channel steamer then +afloat in tonnage, speed and accommodation. They were over three +hundred feet in length, of two thousand tons burden, and had a speed of +fifteen knots. Of these the Munster, Connaught, and Ulster were built +by Laird of Birkenhead, while the Leinster was built in London by +Samuda. These boats were most elaborately and comfortably fitted up, +and many people of my age, who were in the habit of travelling +constantly to Ireland, retain a feeling of almost personal affection +for those old paddle-wheel mailboats which carried them so often in +safety across St. George's Channel. It is possible that this feeling +may be stronger in those who, like myself, are unaffected by +sea-sickness. I think that we all took a pride in the finest Channel +steamers then afloat, and, as a child, I was always conscious of a +little added dignity and an extra ray of reflected glory when crossing +in the Leinster or the Connaught, for they had four funnels each. I +think that I am correct in saying that these splendid seaboats never +missed one single passage, whatever the weather, for nearly forty +years, until they were superseded by the present three thousand tons, +twenty-four knot twin-screw boats. The old paddle-wheelers were +rejuvenated in 1883, when they were fitted with forced draught, and +their paddles were submerged deeper, giving them an extra speed of two +knots. Their engines being "simple," they consumed a perfectly ruinous +amount of coal, sixty-four tons for the round trip; considerably more +than the coal consumption of the present twenty-four knotters. + +In the "sixties" a new Lord-Lieutenant crossed in a special +mail-steamer, for which he had the privilege of paying. + +When my father went over to be sworn-in, we arrived at Holyhead in the +evening, and on going on board the special steamer Munster, we found a +sumptuous supper awaiting us. + +There is an incident connected with that supper of which, of course, I +knew nothing at the time, but which was told me more than thirty years +after by Mrs. Campbell, the comely septuagenarian head-stewardess of +the Munster, who had been in the ship for forty-four years. Most +habitual travelers to Ireland will cherish very kindly recollections of +genial old Mrs. Campbell, with her wonderfully fresh complexion and her +inexhaustible fund of stories. + +It appears that the supper had been supplied by a firm of Dublin +caterers, who sent four of their own waiters with it, much to the +indignation of the steward's staff, who resented this as a slight on +their professional abilities. + +Mrs. Campbell told me the story in some such words as these: + +"About ten minutes before your father, the new Lord-Lieutenant, was +expected, the chiefs-steward put his head into the ladies' cabin and +called out to me, 'Mrs. Campbell, ma'am! For the love of God come into +the saloon this minute.' 'What is it, then, Mr. Murphy?' says I. 'Wait +till ye see,' says he. So I go into the saloon where there was the +table set out for supper, so grand that ye wouldn't believe it, and +them four Dublin waiters was all lying dead-drunk on the saloon floor. + +"'I put out the spirit decanters on the supper-table,' says Mr. Murphy, +'and see! Them Dublin waiters have every drop of it drunk on me,' he +goes on, showing me the empty decanters. 'They have three bottles of +champagne drunk on me besides. What will we do with them now? The new +Lord Lieutenant may be arriving this minute, and we have no time to +move the drunk waiters for'ard. Will we put them in the little +side-cabins here?' 'Ah then!' says I, 'and have them roaring and +shouting, and knocking the place down maybe in half an hour or so? I'm +surprised at ye, Mr. Murphy. We'll put the drunk waiters under the +saloon table, and you must get another table-cloth. We'll pull it down +on both sides, the way the feet of them will not show." So I call up +two stewards and the boys from the pantry, and we get the drunk waiters +arranged as neat as herrings in a barrel under the saloon table. Mr. +Murphy and I put on the second cloth, pulling it right down to the +floor, and ye wouldn't believe the way we worked, setting out the +dishes, and the flowers and the swatemates on the table. 'Now,' says I, +'for the love of God let none of them sit down at the table, or they'll +feel the waiters with their feet. Lave it to me to get His Excellency +out of this, and then hurry the drunk waiters away!' And I spoke a word +to the boys in the pantry. 'Boys,' says I, 'as ye value your salvation, +keep up a great clatteration here by dropping the spoons and forks +about, the way they'll not hear it if the drunk waiters get snoring,' +and then the thrain arrives, and we run up to meet His Excellency your +father. + +"We went down to the saloon for a moment, and every one says that they +never saw the like of that for a supper, the boys in the pantry keeping +up such a clatteration by tumbling the spoons and forks about, that +ye'd think the bottom of the ship would drop out with the noise of it +all. Then I said, 'Supper will not be ready for ten minutes, your +Excellency'--though God forgive me if every bit of it was not on the +table that minute. 'Would you kindly see if the sleeping accommodation +is commodious enough, for we'll alter it if it isn't?' and so I get +them all out of that, and I kept talking of this, and of that, the Lord +only knows what, till Mr. Murphy comes up and says, 'Supper is ready, +your Excellency,' giving me a look out of the tail of his eye as much +as to say, 'Glory be! We have them drunk waiters safely out of that.'" + +Of course I knew nothing of the convivial waiters, but I retain vivid +recollections of the splendours of the supper-table, and of the +"swatemates," for I managed to purloin a whole pocketful of preserved +ginger and other good things from it, without being noticed. + +We arrived at Kingstown in the early morning, and anchored in the +harbour, but, by a polite fiction, the Munster was supposed to be +absolutely invisible to ordinary eyes, for the new Lord-Lieutenant's +official time of arrival from England was 11 a.m. Accordingly, every +one being arrayed in their very best for the State entry into Dublin, +the Munster got up steam and crept out of the harbour (still, of +course, completely invisible), to cruise about a little, and to +re-enter the harbour (obviously direct from England) amidst the booming +of twenty-one guns from the guardship, a vast display of bunting, and a +tornado of cheering. + +Unfortunately, it had come on to blow; there was a very heavy sea +outside, and the Munster had an unrivalled opportunity for showing off +her agility, and of exhibiting her unusual capacity for pitching and +rolling. My youngest brother and I have never been affected by +sea-sickness; the ladies, however, had a very unpleasing half-hour, +though it must be rather a novel and amusing experience to succumb to +this malady when arrayed in the very latest creations of a Paris +dressmaker and milliner; still I fear that neither my mother nor my +sisters can have been looking quite their best when we landed amidst an +incredible din of guns, whistles and cheering. + +My father, as was the custom then, made his entry into Dublin on +horseback. Since he had to keep his right hand free to remove his hat +every minute or so, in acknowledgment of his welcome, and as his horse +got alarmed by the noise, the cheering, and the waving of flags, he +managed to give a very pretty exhibition of horsemanship. + +By the way, Irish cheering is a thing sui generis. In place of the +deep-throated, reverberating English cheer, it is a long, shrill, +sustained note, usually very high-pitched. + +The State entry into Dublin was naturally the first occasion on which I +had ever driven through streets lined with soldiers and gay with +bunting. If I remember right, I accepted most of it as a tribute to my +own small person. + +On arriving at the Viceregal Lodge in the Phoenix Park, my brother and +I were much relieved at finding that we were not expected to live +perpetually surrounded by men in full uniform and by ladies in smart +dresses, as we had gathered that we were fated to do during the +morning's ceremonies at Dublin Castle. + +The Viceregal Lodge is a large, unpretentious, but most comfortable +house, standing in really beautiful grounds. The 160 acres of its +enclosure have been laid out with such skill as to appear to the eye +double or treble the extent they actually are. The great attraction to +my brother and me lay in a tract of some ten acres of woodland which +had been allowed to run entirely wild. We soon peopled this very +satisfactorily with two tribes of Red Indians, two bands of peculiarly +bloodthirsty robbers, a sufficiency of bears, lions and tigers, and an +appalling man-eating dragon. I fear that in view of the size of the +little wood, these imported inhabitants must have had rather cramped +quarters. + +The enacting of the role of a Red Indian "brave" was necessarily a +little fatiguing, for according to Fenimore Cooper, our guide in these +matters, it was essential to keep up an uninterrupted series of +guttural grunts of "Ug! Ug!" the invariable manner in which his +"braves" prefaced their remarks. + +There was perhaps little need for the imaginary menagerie, for the +Dublin Zoological Gardens adjoined the "Lodge" grounds, and were +accessible to us at any time with a private key. The Dublin Zoo had +always been very successful in breeding lions, and derived a large +amount of their income from the sale of the cubs. They consequently +kept a number of lions, and the roaring of these lions at night was +very audible at the Viceregal Lodge, only a quarter of a mile away. +When I told the boys at school, with perfect truth, that in Dublin I +was nightly lulled to sleep by the gentle roaring of lions round my +couch, I was called a young liar. + +There is a pretty lake inside the Viceregal grounds. My two elder +brothers were certain that they had seen wild duck on this lake in the +early morning, so getting up in the dusk of a December morning, they +crept down to the lake with their guns. With the first gleam of dawn, +they saw that there were plenty of wild fowl on the water, and they +succeeded in shooting three or four of them. When daylight came, they +retrieved them with a boat, but were dismayed at finding that these +birds were neither mallards, nor porchards, nor any known form of +British duck; their colouring, too, seemed strangely brilliant. Then +they remembered the neighbouring Zoo, with its ornamental ponds covered +with rare imported and exotic waterfowl, and they realised what they +had done. It is quite possible that they had killed some unique +specimens, imported at fabulous cost from Central Africa, or from the +heart of the Australian continent, some priceless bird that was the +apple of the eye of the Curator of the Gardens, so we buried the +episode and the birds, in profound secrecy. + +For my younger brother and myself, this lake had a different +attraction, for, improbable as it may seem, it was the haunt of a gang +of most abandoned pirates. Behind a wooded island, but quite invisible +to the adult eye, the pirate craft lay, conforming in the most orthodox +fashion to the descriptions in Ballantyne's books: "a schooner with a +long, low black hull, and a suspicious rake to her masts. The copper on +her bottom had been burnished till it looked like gold, and the black +flag, with the skull and cross-bones, drooped lazily from her peak." + +The presence of this band of desperadoes entailed the utmost caution +and watchfulness in the neighbourhood of the lake. Unfortunately, we +nearly succeeded in drowning some young friends of ours, whom we +persuaded to accompany us in an attack on the pirates' stronghold. We +embarked on a raft used for cutting weeds, but no sooner had we shoved +off than the raft at once, most inconsiderately, sank to the bottom of +the lake with us. Being Christmas time, the water was not over-warm, +and we had some difficulty in extricating our young friends. Their +parents made the most absurd fuss about their sons having been forced +to take a cold bath in mid-December in their best clothes. Clearly we +could not be held responsible for the raft failing to prove sea-worthy, +though my youngest brother, even then a nice stickler for correct +English, declared, that, given the circumstances, the proper epithet +was "lake-worthy." + +What a wonderful dream-world the child can create for himself, and +having fashioned it and peopled it, he can inhabit his creation in +perfect content quite regardless of his material surroundings, unless +some grown-up, with his matter-of-fact bluntness, happens to break the +spell. + +I have endeavoured to express this peculiar faculty of the child's in +rather halting blank verse. I apologise for giving it here, as I make +no claim to be able to write verse. My only excuse must be that my +lines attempt to convey what every man and woman must have felt, though +probably the average person would express himself in far better +language than I am able to command. + + "Eheu fugaces Postume! Postume! + Labuntur anni. + + "The memories of childhood are a web + Of gossamer, most infinitely frail + And tender, shot with gleaming threads of gold + And silver, through the iridescent weft + Of subtlest tints of azure and of rose; + Woven of fragile nothings, yet most dear, + As binding us to that dim, far-off time, + When first our lungs inhaled the fragrance sweet + Of a new world, where all was bright and fair. + As we approach the end of mortal things, + The band of comrades ever smaller grows; + For those who have not shared our trivial round, + Nor helped with us to forge its many links, + Can only listen with dull, wearied mind. + Some few there are on whom the gods bestowed + The priceless gift of sympathy, and they, + Though knowing not themselves, yet understand. + So guard the fragile fabric rolled away + In the sweet-scented chests of memory, + Careful lest one uncomprehending soul + Should, thoughtless, rend the filmy texture frail + Into a thousand fragments, and destroy + The precious relic of the golden dawn + Of life, when all the unknown future lay + Bathed in unending sunlight, and the heights + Of manhood, veiled in distant purple haze, + Offered ten thousand chances of success. + But why the future, when the present seemed + A flower-decked meadow in eternal spring? + When every woodland glade its secrets told + To us, and us alone. The grown-up eye + Saw sun-flecked oaks, and tinkling, fern-fringed stream, + Nor knew that 'neath their shade most doughty Knights + Daily rode forth to deeds of chivalry; + And ruthless ruffians waged relentless war + On those who strayed (without the Talisman + Which turned their fury into impotence) + Into those leafy depths nor dreamed there lurked + Concealed amidst the bosky dells unseen, + Grim dragons spouting instant death; nor feared + The placid lake, along whose reed-fringed shore + Bold Buccaneers swooped down upon their prey. + Which things were hidden from maturer eyes. + To those who breathed the freshness of the morn, + Endless romance; to others, common things. + For to the Child is given to spin a web + Of golden glamour o'er the everyday. + + Happy is he who can, in spite of years, + Retain at times the spirit of the Child." + +My own personal ambition at that period was a modest one. My mother +always drove out in Dublin in a carriage-and-four, with postilions and +two out-riders. We had always used black carriage-horses, and East, the +well-known job-master, had provided us for Dublin with twenty-two +splendid blacks, all perfect matches. Our family colour being crimson, +the crimson barouche, with the six blacks and our own black and crimson +liveries, made a very smart turn-out indeed. O'Connor, the +wheeler-postilion, a tiny little wizened elderly man, took charge of +the carriage, and directed the outriders at turnings by a code of sharp +whistles. It was my consuming ambition to ride leader-postilion to my +mother's carriage, and above all to wear the big silver coat-of-arms +our postilions had strapped to the left sleeves of their short jackets +on a broad crimson band. I went to O'Connor in the stable-yard, and +consulted him as to my chance of obtaining the coveted berth. O'Connor +was distinctly encouraging. He thought nine rather young for a +postilion, but when I had grown a little, and had gained more +experience, he saw no insuperable objections to my obtaining the post. +The leader-postilion was O'Connor's nephew, a smart-looking, +light-built boy of seventeen, named Byrne. Byrne was less hopeful about +my chance. He assured me that such a rare combination of physical and +intellectual qualities were required for a successful leader-rider, +that it was but seldom that they were found, as in his case, united in +the same person. That my mother had met with no accident whilst driving +was solely due to his own consummate skill, and his wonderful presence +of mind. Little Byrne, however, was quite affable, and allowed me to +try on his livery, including the coveted big silver arm-badge and his +top-boots. In my borrowed plumes I gave the stablemen to understand +that I was as good as engaged already as postilion. Byrne informed me +of some of the disadvantages of the position. "The heart in ye would be +broke at all the claning them leathers requires." I was also told that +after an extra long drive, "ye'd come home that tired that ye'd be +thinking ye were losing your life, and not knowing if ye had a leg left +to ye at all." + +I often drove with my mother, and when we had covered more ground than +usual, upon arriving home, I always ran round to the leaders to inquire +anxiously if my friend little Byrne "had a leg left to him, or if he +had lost his life," and was much relieved at finding him sitting on his +horse in perfect health, with his normal complement of limbs encased in +white leathers. I believe that I expected his legs to drop off on the +road from sheer fatigue. + +I knew, of course, that the Lord-Lieutenant had to confirm all +death-sentences in Ireland. From much reading of Harrison Ainsworth, I +insisted on calling the documents connected with this, +"death-warrants." I begged and implored my father to let me see a +"death-warrant." He told me that there was nothing to see, but I went +on insisting, until one day he told me that I might see one of these +gruesome documents. To avoid any misplaced sympathy with the condemned +man, I may say that it was a peculiarly brutal murder. A man at Cork +had kicked his wife to death, and had then battered her into a +shapeless mass with the poker. I went into my father's study on the +tip-toe of expectation. I pictured the Private Secretary coming in +slowly, probably draped for the occasion in a long black cloak, and +holding a white handkerchief to his eyes. In his hand he would bear an +immense sheet of paper surrounded by a three-inch black border. It +would be headed DEATH in large letters, with perhaps a +skull-and-crossbones below it, and from it would depend three ominous +black seals attached by black ribbons. The Secretary would naturally +hesitate before presenting so awful a document to my father, who, in +his turn, would exhibit a little natural emotion when receiving it. At +that moment my mother, specially dressed in black for the occasion, +would burst into the room, and falling on her knees, with streaming +eyes and outstretched arms, she would plead passionately for the +condemned man's life. My father, at first obdurate, would gradually be +melted by my mother's entreaties. Turning aside to brush away a furtive +and not unmanly tear, he would suddenly tear the death-warrant to +shreds, and taking up another huge placard headed REPRIEVE, he would +quickly fill it in and sign it. He would then hand it to the Private +Secretary, who would instantly start post-haste for Cork. As the +condemned man was being actually conducted to the scaffold, the Private +Secretary would appear, brandishing the liberating document. All then +would be joy, except for the executioner, who would grind his teeth at +being baulked of his prey at the last minute. + +That is, at all events, the way it would have happened in a book. As it +was, the Private Secretary came in just as usual, carrying an ordinary +official paper, precisely similar to dozens of other official papers +lying about the room. + +"It is the Cork murder case, sir," he said in his everyday voice. "The +sentence has to be confirmed by you." + +"A bad business, Dillon," said my father. "I have seen the Chief +Justice about it twice, and I have consulted the Judge who tried the +case, and the Solicitor and the Attorney-General. I am afraid that +there are no mitigating circumstances whatever. I shall certainly +confirm it," and he wrote across the official paper, "Let the law take +its course," and appended his signature, and that was all! + +Could anything be more prosaic? What a waste of an unrivalled dramatic +situation. + +When I returned home for the Christmas holidays in 1866, the Fenian +rebellion had already broken out. The authorities had reason to believe +that the Vice-regal Lodge would be attacked, and various precautions +had been taken. Both guards and sentries were doubled; four light +field-guns stood in the garden, and a row of gas-lamps had been +installed there. Stands of arms made their appearance in the passages +upstairs, which were patrolled all night by constables in rubber-soled +boots, but the culminating joy to my brother and me lay in the four +loopholes with which the walls of the bed-room we jointly occupied were +pierced. The room projected beyond the front of the main building, and +was accordingly a strategic point, but to have four real loopholes, +closed with wooden shutters, in the walls of our own bedroom was to the +two small urchins a source of immense pride. The boys at school were +hideously jealous of our loopholes when they heard of them, though they +affected to despise any one who, enjoying such undreamed-of +opportunities, had, on his own confession, failed to take advantage of +them, and had never even fired through the loopholes, nor attempted to +kill any one through them. + +The Fenians were supposed to have the secret of a mysterious +combustible known as "Greek Fire" which was unquenchable by water. I +think that "Greek Fire" was nothing more or less than ordinary +petroleum, which was practically unknown in Europe in 1866, though from +personal experience I can say that it was well known in 1868, in which +year my mother, three sisters, two brothers and myself narrowly escaped +being burnt to death, when the Irish mail, in which we were travelling, +collided with a goods train loaded with petroleum at Abergele, North +Wales, an accident which resulted in thirty-four deaths. + +Terrible as were the results of the Abergele accident, they might have +been more disastrous still, for both lines were torn up, and the up +Irish mail from Holyhead, which would be travelling at a great pace +down the steep bank from Llandulas, was due at any moment. The front +guard of our train had been killed by the collision, and the rear guard +was seriously hurt, so there was no one to give orders. It occurred at +once to my eldest brother, the late Duke, that as the train was +standing on a sharp incline, the uninjured carriages would, if +uncoupled, roll down the hill of their own accord. He and some other +passengers accordingly managed to undo the couplings, and the uninjured +coaches, detached from the burning ones, glided down the incline into +safety. From the half-stunned guard my brother learned that the nearest +signal-box was at Llandulas, a mile away. He ran there at the top of +his speed, and arrived in time to get the up Irish mail and all other +traffic stopped. On his return my brother had a prolonged fainting fit, +as the strain on his heart had been very great. It took the doctors +over an hour to bring him round, and we all thought that he had died. + +I was eleven years old at the time, and the shock of the collision, the +sight of the burning coaches, the screams of the women, the wreckage, +and my brother's narrow escape from death, affected me for some little +while afterwards. + +It was the custom then for the Lord-Lieutenant to live for three months +of the winter at the Castle, where a ceaseless round of entertainments +went on. The Castle was in the heart of Dublin, and only boasted a dull +little smoke-blackened garden in the place of the charming grounds of +the Lodge, still there was plenty going on there. A band played daily +in the Castle Yard for an hour, there was the daily guard-mounting, and +the air was thick with bugle calls and rattling kettle-drums. + +At "Drawing Rooms" it was still the habit for all ladies to be kissed +by the Lord-Lieutenant on being presented to him, and every lady had to +be re-presented to every fresh Viceroy. This imposed an absolute orgy +of compulsory osculation on the unfortunate Lord-Lieutenant, for if +many of the ladies were fresh, young and pretty, the larger proportion +of them were very distinctly the reverse. + +There is a very fine white-and-gold throne-room in Dublin, decorated in +the heavy but effective style of George IV., and it certainly compares +very favourably with the one at Buckingham Palace. St. Patrick's Hall, +too, with its elaborate painted ceiling, is an exceedingly handsome +room, as is the Long Gallery. At my father's first Drawing-Room, when I +officiated as page, the perpetual kissing tickled my fancy so, that, +forgetting that to live up to my new white-satin breeches and lace +ruffles I ought to wear an impassive countenance, I absolutely shook, +spluttered and wriggled with laughter. The ceremony appeared to me +interminable, for ten-year-old legs soon get tired, and ten-year-old +eyelids grow very heavy as midnight approaches. When at length it +ended, and my fellow-page was curled up fast asleep on the steps of the +throne in his official finery, in glancing at my father I was amazed to +find him prematurely aged. The powder from eight hundred cheeks and +necks had turned his moustache and beard white; he had to retire to his +room and spend a quarter of an hour washing and brushing the powder +out, before he could take part in the procession through all the +staterooms which in those days preceded supper. My father was still a +remarkably handsome man even at fifty-six years of age, with his great +height and his full curly beard, and I thought my mother, with all her +jewels on, most beautiful, as I am quite sure she was, though only a +year younger than my father. + +The great white-and-gold throne-room brilliant with light, the glitter +of the uniforms, and the sparkle of the jewels were attractive from +their very novelty to a ten-year-old schoolboy, perhaps a little +overwhelmed by his own gorgeous and unfamiliar trappings. We two pages +had been ordered to stand quite motionless, one on either side of the +throne, but as the evening wore on and we began to feel sleepy, it was +difficult to carry our instructions into effect, for there were no +facilities for playing even a game of "oughts and crosses" in order to +keep awake. The position had its drawbacks, as we were so very +conspicuous in our new uniforms. A detail which sticks in my memory is +that the guests at that Drawing-Room drank over three hundred bottles +of my father's sherry, in addition to other wines. + +My brother and I were not allowed in the throne-room on ordinary days, +but it offered such wonderful opportunities for processions and +investitures, with the sword of state and the mace lying ready to one's +hand in their red velvet cradles, that we soon discovered a back way +into it. Should any of the staff of Lord French, the present Viceroy, +care to examine the sword of state and the mace, they will find them +both heavily dented. This is due to two small boys having frequently +dropped them when they proved too heavy for their strength, during +strictly private processions fifty-five years ago. I often wonder what +a deputation from the Corporation of Belfast must have thought when +they were ushered into the throne-room, and found it already in the +occupation of two small brats, one of whom, with a star cut out of +silver paper pinned to his packet to counterfeit an order, was lolling +back on the throne in a lordly manner, while the other was feigning to +read a long statement from a piece of paper. The small boys, after the +manner of their kind, quickly vanished through a bolt-hole. + +The Chapel Royal in Dublin Castle was built by my grandfather, the Duke +of Bedford, who was Viceroy in 1806, and it bears the stamp of the +unfortunate period of its birth on every detail of its +"carpenter-Gothic" interior. It is, however, very ornate, with a +profusion of gilding, stained glass and elaborate oak carving. My +father and mother sat by themselves on two red velvet arm-chairs in a +sort of pew-throne that projected into the Chapel. The Aide-de-Camp in +waiting, an extremely youthful warrior as a rule, had to stand until +the door of the pew was shut, when a folding wooden flap was lowered +across the aperture, on which he seated himself, with his back resting +against the pew door. At the conclusion of the service the Verger +always opened the pew door with a sudden "click." Should the +Aide-de-Camp be unprepared for this and happen to be leaning against +the door, with any reasonable luck he was almost certain to tumble +backwards into the aisle, "taking a regular toss," as hunting-men would +say, and to our unspeakable delight we would see a pair of slim legs in +overalls and a pair of spurred heels describing a graceful parabola as +they followed their youthful owner into the aisle. This particular form +of religious relaxation appealed to me enormously, and I looked forward +to it every Sunday. + +It was an episode that could only occur once with each person, for +forewarned was forearmed; still, as we had twelve Aides-de-Camp, and +they were constantly changing, the pew door played its practical joke +quite often enough to render the Services in the Chapel Royal very +attractive and engrossing, and I noticed that no Aide-de-Camp was ever +warned of his possible peril. I think, too, that the Verger enjoyed his +little joke. + +In that same Chapel Royal I listened to the most eloquent and beautiful +sermon I have ever heard in my life, preached by Dean Magee (afterwards +Archbishop of York) on Christmas Day, 1866. His text was: "There were +shepherds abiding in the fields." That marvellous orator must have had +some peculiar gift of sympathy to captivate the attention of a child of +ten so completely that he remembers portions of that sermon to this +very day, fifty-four years afterwards. + +To my great delight I discovered a little door near our joint bedroom +which led directly into the gallery of St. Patrick's Hall. Here the big +dinners of from seventy to ninety people were held, and it was my +delight to creep into the gallery in my dressing-gown and slippers and +watch the brilliant scene below. The stately white-and-gold hall with +its fine painted ceiling, the long tables blazing with plate and +lights, the display of flowers, the jewels of the ladies and the +uniforms of the men, made a picture very attractive to a child. After +the ladies had left, the uproar became deafening. In 1866 the old +drinking habits had not yet died out, and though my father very seldom +touched wine himself, he of course saw that his guests had sufficient; +indeed, sufficient seems rather an elastic term, judging by what I saw +and what I was told. It must have been rather like one of the scenes +described by Charles Lever in his books. In 1866 political, religious, +and racial animosities had not yet assumed the intensely bitter +character they have since reached in Ireland, and the traditional Irish +wit, at present apparently dormant, still flashed, sparkled and +scintillated. From my hiding-place in the gallery I could only hear the +roars of laughter the good stories provoked, I could not hear the +stories themselves, possibly to my own advantage. + +Judge Keogh had a great reputation as a wit. The then Chief Justice was +a remarkable-looking man on account of his great snow-white whiskers +and his jet-black head of hair. My mother, commenting on this, said to +Judge Keogh, "Surely Chief Justice Monaghan must dye his hair." "To my +certain knowledge he does not," answered Keogh. "How, then, do you +account for the difference in colour between his whiskers and his +hair?" asked my mother. "To the fact that, throughout his life, he has +used his jaw a great deal more than he ever has his brain," retorted +Keogh. + +Father Healy, most genial and delightful of men, belongs, of course, to +a much later period. I was at the Castle in Lord Zetland's time, when +Father Healy had just returned from a fortnight's visit to Monte Carlo, +where he had been the guest (of all people in the world!) of Lord +Randolph Churchill. "May I ask how you explained your absence to your +flock, Father Healy?" asked Lady Zetland. "I merely told them that I +had been for a fortnight's retreat to Carlow; I thought it superfluous +prefixing the Monte," answered the priest. Again at a wedding, the late +Lord Morris, the possessor of the hugest brogue ever heard, observed as +the young couple drove off, "I wish that I had an old shoe to throw +after them for luck." "Throw your brogue after them, my dear fellow; it +will do just as well," flashed out Father Healy. It was Father Healy, +too, who, in posting a newly arrived lady as to Dublin notabilities, +said, "You will find that there are only two people who count in +Dublin, the Lady-Lieutenant and Lady Iveagh, her Ex. and her double X," +for the marks on the barrels of the delicious beverage brewed by the +Guinness family must be familiar to most people. + +I myself heard Father Healy, in criticising a political appointment +which lay between a Welsh and a Scotch M.P., say, "Well, if we get the +Welshman he'll pray on his knees all Sunday, and then prey on his +neighbours the other six days of the week; whilst if we get the +Scotchman hell keep the Sabbath and any other little trifles he can lay +his hand on." Healy, who was parish priest of Little Bray, used to +entertain sick priests from the interior of Ireland who were ordered +sea-bathing. One day he saw one of his guests, a young priest, rush +into the sea, glass in hand, and begin drinking the sea water. "You +mustn't do that, my dear fellow," cried Father Healy, aghast. "I didn't +know that there was any harm in it, Father Healy," said the young +priest. "Whist! we'll not say one word about it, and maybe then they'll +never miss the little drop you have taken." + +Some of these stories may be old, in which case I can only apologise +for giving them here. + +Dublin people have always had the gift of coining extremely felicitous +nicknames. I refrain from quoting those bestowed on two recent +Viceroys, for they are mordant and uncomplimentary, though possibly not +wholly undeserved. My father was at once christened "Old Splendid," an +appellation less scarifying than some of those conferred on his +successors. My father had some old friends living in the west of +Ireland, a Colonel Tenison, and his wife, Lady Louisa Tenison. Colonel +Tenison had one of the most gigantic noses I have ever seen, a vast, +hooked eagle's beak. He was so blind that he had to feel his way about. +Lady Louisa Tenison allowed herself an unusual freedom of speech, and +her comments on persons and things were unconventionally outspoken. +They came to stay with us at the Castle in 1867, and before they had +been there twenty-four hours they were christened "Blind Hookey" and +"Unlimited Loo." + +In February 1867 my sister, brother and I contracted measles, and were +sent out to the "Lodge" to avoid spreading infection. + +We were already convalescent, when one evening a mysterious stranger +arrived from the Castle, and had an interview with the governess. As a +result of that interview, the kindly old lady began clucking like a +scared hen, fussed quite prodigiously, and told us to collect our +things at once, as we were to start for the Castle in a quarter of an +hour. After a frantically hurried packing, we were bustled into the +carriage, the mysterious stranger taking his seat on the box. To our +surprise we saw some thirty mounted Hussars at the door. As we moved +off, to our unspeakable delight, the Hussars drew their swords and +closed in on the carriage, one riding at either window. And so we drove +through Dublin. We had never had an escort before, and felt immensely +elated and dignified. At the Castle there seemed to be some confusion. +I heard doors banging and people moving about all through the night. + +Long afterwards I learnt that the great Fenian rising was fixed for +that night. The authorities had heard that part of the Fenian plan was +to capture the Viceregal Lodge, and to hold the Lord-Lieutenant's +children as hostages, which explains the arrival at the Lodge of Chief +Inspector Dunn, the frantic haste, and the escort of Hussars with drawn +swords. + +That night an engagement, or it might more justly be termed a skirmish, +did take place between the Fenians and the troops at Tallagh, some +twenty miles from Dublin. My brothers and most of my father's staff had +been present, which explained the mysterious noises during the night. +As a result of this fight, some three hundred prisoners were taken, and +Lord Strathnairn, then Commander-in-Chief in Ireland, was very hard put +to it to find sufficient men (who, of course, would have to be detached +from his force) to escort the prisoners into Dublin. Lord Strathnairn +suddenly got an inspiration. He had every single button, brace buttons +and all, cut off the prisoners' trousers. Then the men had perforce, +for decency's sake, to hold their trousers together with their hands, +and I defy any one similarly situated to run more than a yard or two. +The prisoners were all paraded in the Castle yard next day, and I +walked out amongst them. As they had been up all night in very heavy +rain, they all looked very forlorn and miserable. The Castle gates were +shut that day, for the first time in the memory of the oldest +inhabitant, and they remained shut for four days. I cannot remember the +date when the prisoners were paraded, but I am absolutely certain as to +one point: it was Shrove Tuesday, 1867, the day on which so many +marriages are celebrated amongst country-folk in Ireland. Dublin was +seething with unrest, so on that very afternoon my father and mother +drove very slowly, quite alone, without an Aide-de-Camp or escort, in a +carriage-and-four with outriders, through all the poorest quarters in +Dublin. They were well received, and there was no hostile demonstration +whatever. The idea of the slow drive through the slums was my mother's. +She wished to show that though the Castle gates were closed, she and my +father were not afraid. I saw her on her return, when she was looking +very pale and drawn, but I was too young to realise what the strain +must have been. My mother's courage was loudly praised, but I think +that my friends O'Connor and little Byrne, the postilions, also deserve +quite a good mark, for they ran the same amount of risk, and they were +no entirely free agents in the matter, as my father and mother were. + +Dr. Hatchell, who attended us all, had been physician to countless +Viceroys and their families, and was a very well-known figure in +Dublin. He was a jolly little red-faced man with a terrific brogue. +There was a great epidemic of lawlessness in Dublin at that time. Many +people were waylaid and stripped of their valuables in dark suburban +streets. Dr. Hatchell was returning from a round of professional visits +in the suburbs one evening, when his carriage was stopped by two men, +who seized the horses' heads. One of the men came round to the carriage +door. + +"We know you, Dr. Hatchell, so you had better hand over your watch and +money quietly." "You know me," answered the merry little doctor, with +his tremendous brogue, "so no doubt you would like me to prescribe for +you. I'll do it with all the pleasure in life. Saltpetre is a grand +drug, and I often order it for my patients. Sulphur is the finest thing +in the world for the blood, and charcoal is an elegant disinfectant. By +a great piece of luck, I have all these drugs with me in the carriage, +but"--and he suddenly covered the man with his revolver--"they are all +mixed up together, and there is the least taste in life of lead in +front of them, and by God! you'll get it through you if you don't clear +out of that." The men decamped immediately. I have heard Dr. Hatchell +tell that story at least twenty times. Dr. Hatchell, who was invited to +every single entertainment, both at the Lodge and at the Castle, was a +widower. A peculiarly stupid young Aide-de-Camp once asked him why he +had not brought Mrs. Hatchell with him. "Sorr," answered the doctor in +his most impressive tones, "Mrs. Hatchell is an angel in heaven." A +fortnight later the same foolish youth asked again why Dr. Hatchell had +come alone. "Mrs. Hatchell, sorr, is still an angel in heaven," +answered the indignant doctor. + +It was said that no mortal eye had ever seen Dr. Hatchell in the +daytime out of his professional frock-coat and high hat. I know that +when he stayed with us in Scotland some years later, he went out +salmon-fishing in a frock-coat and high hat (with a stethescope clipped +into the crown of it), an unusual garb for an angler. + +In the spring of 1868, King Edward and Queen Alexandra (then, of +course, Prince and Princess of Wales) paid us a long visit at the +Castle. My father had heard a rumour that recently the Prince of Wales +had introduced the custom of smoking in the dining-room after dinner. +He was in a difficult position; nothing would induce him to tolerate +such a practice, but how was he to avoid discourtesy to his Royal +guest? My mother rose to the occasion. A little waiting-room near the +dining-room was furnished and fitted up in the most attractive manner, +and before the Prince had been an hour in the Castle, my mother showed +him the charming little room, and told H. R. H. that it had been +specially fitted up for him to enjoy his after-dinner cigar in. That +saved the situation. Young men of to-day will be surprised to learn +that in my time no one dreamed of smoking before they went to a ball, +as to smell of smoke was considered an affront to one's partners. I +myself, though a heavy smoker from an early age, never touched tobacco +in any form before going to a dance, out of respect for my partners. +Incredible as it may sound, in those days all gentlemen had a very high +respect for ladies and young ladies, and observed a certain amount of +deference in their intercourse with them. Never, to the best of my +recollection, did either we or our partners address each other as "old +thing," or "old bean." This, of course, now is hopelessly Victorian, +and as defunct as the dodo. Present-day hostesses tell me that all +young men, and most girls, are kind enough to flick cigarette-ash all +over their drawing-rooms, and considerately throw lighted +cigarette-ends on to fine old Persian carpets, and burn holes in pieces +of valuable old French furniture. Of course it would be too much +trouble to fetch an ash-tray, or to rise to throw lighted +cigarette-ends into the grate. The young generation have never been +brought up to take trouble, nor to consider other people; we might +perhaps put it that they never think of any one in the world but their +own sweet selves. I am inclined to think that there are distinct +advantages in being a confirmed, unrepentant Victorian. + +During the stay of the Prince and Princess there was one unending round +of festivities. The Princess was then at the height of her great +beauty, and seeing H. R. H. every day, my youthful adoration of her +increased tenfold. The culminating incident of the visit was to be the +installation of the Prince of Wales as a Knight of St. Patrick in St. +Patrick's Cathedral, with immense pomp and ceremonial. The Cathedral +had undergone a complete transformation for the ceremony, and all its +ordinary fittings had disappeared. The number of pages had now +increased to five, and we were constantly being drilled in the +Cathedral. We had all five of us to walk backwards down some steps, +keeping in line and keeping step. For five small boys to do this +neatly, without awkwardness, requires a great deal of practice. The +procession to the Cathedral was made in full state, the streets being +lined with troops, and the carriages, with their escorts of cavalry, +going at a foot's pace through the principal thoroughfares of Dublin. I +remember it chiefly on account of the bitter northeast wind blowing. +The five pages drove together in an open carriage, and received quite +an ovation from the crowd, but no one had thought of providing them +with overcoats. Silk stockings, satin knee-breeches and lace ruffles +are very inadequate protection against an Arctic blast, and we arrived +at the Cathedral stiff and torpid with cold. From the colour of our +faces, we might have been five little "Blue Noses" from Nova Scotia. +The ceremony was very gorgeous and imposing, and I trust that the pages +were not unduly clumsy. Every one was amazed at the beauty of the +music, sung from the triforium by the combined choirs of St. Patrick's +and Christ Church Cathedrals, and of the Chapel Royal, with that +wonderful musician, Sir Robert Stewart, at the organ. I remember well +Sir Robert Stewart's novel setting of "God save the Queen." The men +sang it first in unison to the music of the massed military bands +outside the Cathedral, the boys singing a "Faux Bourdon" above it. Then +the organ took it up, the full choir joining in with quite original +harmonies. + +In honour of the Prince's visit, nearly all the Fenian prisoners who +were still detained in jail were released. + +Many years after, in 1885, King Edward and Queen Alexandra paid us a +visit at Barons' Court. During that visit a little episode occurred +which is worth recording. On the Sunday, the Princess of Wales, as she +still was, inspected the Sunday School children before Morning Service. +At luncheon the Rector of the parish told us that one of the Sunday +scholars, a little girl, had been taken ill with congestion of the +lungs a few days earlier. The child's disappointment at having missed +seeing the Princess was terrible. Desperately ill as she was, she kept +on harping on her lost opportunity. After luncheon the Princess drew my +sister-in-law, the present Dowager Duchess of Abercorn, on one side, +and inquired where the sick child lived. Upon being told that it was +about four miles off, the Princess asked whether it would not be +possible to get a pony-cart from the stables and drive there, as she +would like to see the little girl. I myself brought a pony-cart around +to the door, and the Princess and my sister-in-law having got in, we +three started off alone, the Princess driving. When we reached the +cottage where the child lived, H. R. H. went straight up to the little +girl's room, and stayed talking to her for an hour, to the child's +immense joy. Two days later the little girl died, but she had been made +very happy meanwhile. + +A little thing perhaps; but there are not many people in Queen +Alexandra's position who would have taken an eight-mile drive in an +open cart on a stormy and rainy April afternoon in order to avoid +disappointing a dying child, of whose very existence she had been +unaware that morning. + +It is the kind heart which inspires acts like these which has drawn the +British people so irresistibly to Queen Alexandra. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +Chittenden's--A wonderful teacher--My personal experiences as a +schoolmaster--My "boys in blue"--My unfortunate garments--A "brave +Belge"--The model boy, and his name--A Spartan regime--"The Three +Sundays"--Novel religious observances--Harrow--"John Smith of +Harrow"--"Tommy" Steele--"Tosher"--An ingenious punishment--John +Farmer--His methods--The birth of a famous song--Harrow school +songs--"Ducker"--The "Curse of Versatility"--Advancing old age--The +race between three brothers--A family failing--My father's race at +sixty-four--My own--A most acrimonious dispute at Rome--Harrow after +fifty years. + + +I was sent to school as soon as I was nine, to Mr. Chittenden's, at +Hoddesdon, in Hertfordshire. This remarkable man had a very rare gift: +he was a born teacher, or, perhaps, more accurately, a born +mind-trainer. Of the very small stock of knowledge which I have been +able to accumulate during my life, I certainly owe at least one-half to +Mr. Chittenden. There is a certain profusely advertised system for +acquiring concentration, and for cultivating an artificial memory, the +name of which will be familiar to every one. Instead of the title it +actually bears, that system should be known as "Chittendism," for it is +precisely the method adopted by him with his pupils fifty-four years +ago. Mr. Chittenden, probably recognising that peculiar quality of +mental laziness which is such a marked characteristic of the average +English man or woman, set himself to combat and conquer it the moment +he got a pupil into his hands. Think of the extraordinary number of +persons you know who never do more than half-listen, half-understand, +half-attend, and who only read with their eyes, not with their brains. +The other half of their brain is off wool-gathering somewhere, so +naturally they forget everything they read, and the little they do +remember with half their brain is usually incorrect. It seems to me +that this sort of mental limitation is far more marked in the young +generation, probably because foolish parents seem to think it rather an +amusing trait in their offspring. Now, the boy at Chittenden's who +allowed his mind to wander, and did not concentrate, promptly made the +acquaintance of the "spatter," a broad leathern strap; and the spatter +hurt exceedingly, as I can testify from many personal experiences of +it. On the whole, then, even the most careless boy found it to his +advantage to concentrate. This clever teacher knew how quickly young +brains tire, so he never devoted more than a quarter of an hour to each +subject, but during that quarter of an hour he demanded, and got, the +full attention of his pupils. The result was that everything absorbed +remained permanently. If I enlarge at some length on Mr. Chittenden's +methods, it is because the subject of education is of such vital +importance, and the mere fact that the much-advertised system to which +I have alluded has attained such success, would seem to indicate that +many people are aware that they share that curious disability in the +intellectual equipment of the average Englishman to which I have +referred; for unless they had habitually only half-listened, half-read, +half-understood, there could be no need for their undergoing a course +of instruction late in life. Surely it is more sensible to check this +peculiarly English tendency to mental laziness quite early in life, as +Mr. Chittenden did with his boys. To my mind another striking +characteristic of the average English man and woman is their want of +observation. They don't notice: it is far too much trouble; besides, +they are probably thinking of something else. All Chittenden's boys +were taught to observe; otherwise they got into trouble. He insisted, +too, on his pupils expressing themselves in correct English, with the +result that Chittenden's boys were more intellectually advanced at +twelve than the average Public School boy is at sixteen or seventeen. +It is unusual to place such books as Paley's Christian Evidences, or +Archbishop Whately's Historic Doubts as to Napoleon Bonaparte, in the +hands of little boys of twelve, with any expectation of a satisfactory +result; yet we read them on Sundays, understood the point of them, and +could explain the why and wherefore of them. Chittenden's one fault was +his tendency to "force" a receptive boy, and to develop his intellect +too quickly. As in the Pelm--(I had very nearly written it) system, he +made great use of memoria technica, and always taught us to link one +idea with another. At the age of ten I got puzzled over Marlborough's +campaigns. "'Brom,' my boy, remember 'Brom,'" said Mr. Chittenden. +"That will give you Marlborough's victories in their proper +sequence--Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde, Malplaquet, 'Brom'"; and +"Brom" I have remembered from that day to this. + +Though it is now many years since Mr. Chittenden passed away, I must +pay this belated tribute to the memory of a very skilful teacher, and +an exceedingly kind friend, to whom I owe an immense debt of gratitude. + +My own experiences as a pedagogue are limited. During the War, I was +asked to give some lessons in elementary history and rudimentary French +to convalescent soldiers in a big hospital. No one ever had a more +cheery and good-tempered lot of pupils than I had in my blue-clad, +red-tied disciples. For remembering the order of the Kings of England, +we used Mr. Chittenden's jingle, beginning: + + "Billy, Billy, Harry, Ste, + Harry, Dick, Jack, Harry Three." + +By repeating it all together, over and over again, the very jangle of +it made it stick in my pupils' memory. Dates proved a great difficulty, +yet a few dates, such as that of the Norman Conquest and of the Battle +of Waterloo, were essential. "Clarke, can you remember the date of the +Norman Conquest?" "Very sorry, sir; clean gone out of my 'ead." "Now, +Daniels, how about the date of Waterloo?" "You've got me this time, +sir." Then I had an inspiration. Feigning to take up a +telephone-receiver, and to speak down it, I begged for "Willconk, One, +O, double-six, please." Twenty blithesome wounded Tommies at once went +through an elaborate pantomime of unhooking receivers, and asked +anxiously for "Willconk--One, O, double-six, miss, please. No, miss, I +didn't say, 'City, six, eight, five, four'; I said 'Willconk, One, O, +double-six.' Thank you, miss; now I can let mother know I'm coming to +tea." This, accompanied by much playful badinage with the imaginary +operator, proved immensely popular, but "Willconk, One, O, double-six" +stuck in the brains of my blue-clothed flock. In the same way the +Battle of Waterloo became "Batterloo--One, eight, one, five, please, +miss," so both those dates remained in their heads. + +We experienced some little trouble in mastering the French numerals, +until I tried a new scheme, and called out, "From the right, number, in +French!" Then my merry convalescents began shouting gleefully, "Oon," +"Doo," "Troy," "Catta," "Sink," etc.; but the French numerals stuck in +their heads. Never did any one, I imagine, have such a set of jolly, +cheery boys in blue as pupils, and the strong remnant of the child left +in many of them made them the more attractive. + +When I first went to school, the selection and purchase of my outfit +was, for some inscrutable reason, left to my sisters' governess, an +elderly lady to whom I was quite devoted. This excellent person, +though, knew very little about boys, and nothing whatever as to their +requirements. Her mind harked back to the "thirties" and "forties," and +she endeavoured to reconstitute the dress of little boys at that +period. She ordered for me a velvet tunic for Sunday wear, of the sort +seen in old prints, and a velvet cap with a peak and tassel, such as +young England wore in William IV.'s days. She had large, floppy, limp +collars specially made for me, of the pattern worn by boys in her +youth; every single article of my unfortunate equipment had been +obsolete for at least thirty years. In my ignorance, and luckily not +knowing what was in store for me, I felt immensely proud of my new kit. + +On the first Sunday after my arrival at school, I arrayed myself with +great satisfaction in a big, floppy collar, and my new velvet tunic, +amidst the loud jeers of all the other boys in the dormitory. I was, +however, hardly prepared for the yells and howls of derision with which +my appearance in the school-room was greeted; my unfortunate garments +were held to be so unspeakably grotesque that boys laughed till the +tears ran down their cheeks. As church-time approached the boys +produced their high hats, which I found were worn even by little +fellows of eight; I had nothing but my terrible tasselled velvet cap, +the sight of which provoked even louder jeers than the tunic had done. +We marched to church two and two, in old-fashioned style in a +"crocodile," but not a boy in the school would walk beside me in my +absurd garments, so a very forlorn little fellow trotted to church +alone behind the usher, acutely conscious of the very grotesque figure +he was presenting. I must have been dressed very much as Henry +Fairchild was when he went to visit his little friend Master Noble. On +returning from church, I threw my velvet cap into the water-butt, +where, for all I know, it probably is still, and nothing would induce +me to put on the velvet tunic or the floppy collars a second time. I +bombarded my family with letters until I found myself equipped with a +high hat and Eton jackets and collars such as the other boys wore. + +We were taught French at Chittenden's by a very pleasant old Belgian, +M. Vansittart. I could talk French then as easily as English, and after +exchanging a few sentences with M. Vansittart, he cried, "Tiens! mais +c'est un petit Francais;" but the other boys laughed so unmercifully at +what they termed my affected accent, that in self-defence I adopted an +ultra-British pronunciation, made intentional mistakes, and, in order +to conform to type, punctiliously addressed our venerable instructor as +"Moosoo," just as the other boys did. M. Vansittart must have been a +very old man, for he had fought as a private in the Belgian army at the +Battle of Waterloo. He had once been imprudent enough to admit that he +and some Belgian friends of his had...how shall we put it?...absented +themselves from the battlefield without the permission of their +superiors, and had hurriedly returned to Brussels, being doubtless +fatigued by their exertions. His little tormentors never let him forget +this. When we thought that we had done enough French for the day, a +shrill young voice would pipe out, "Now, Moosoo, please tell us how you +and all the Belgians ran away from the Battle of Waterloo." It never +failed to achieve the desired end. "Ah! tas de petits sacripants! 'Ow +dare you say dat?" thundered the poor old gentleman, and he would go on +to explain that his and his friends' retirement was only actuated by +the desire to be the first bearers to Brussels of the news of +Wellington's great victory, and to assuage their families' very natural +anxiety as to their safety. He added, truthfully enough, "Nos jambes +courraient malgres nous." Poor M. Vansittart! He was a gentle and a +kindly old man, with traces of the eighteenth-century courtliness of +manner, and smothered in snuff. + +Mr. Chittenden was never tired of dinning into us the astonishing +merits of a pupil who had been at the school eleven or twelve years +before us. This model boy apparently had the most extraordinary mental +gifts, and had never broken any of the rules. Mr. Chittenden predicted +a brilliant future for him, and would not be surprised should he +eventually become Prime Minister. The paragon had had a distinguished +career at Eton, and was at present at Cambridge, where he was certain +to do equally well. From having this Admirable Crichton perpetually +held up to us as an example, we grew rather tired of his name, much as +the Athenians wearied at constantly hearing Aristides described as "the +just." At length we heard that the pattern-boy would spend two days at +Hoddesdon on his way back to Cambridge. We were all very anxious to see +him. As Mr. Chittenden confidently predicted that he would one day +become Prime Minister, I formed a mental picture of him as being like +my uncle, Lord John Russell, the only Prime Minister I knew. He would +be very short, and would have his neck swathed in a high black-satin +stock. When the Cambridge undergraduate appeared, he was, on the +contrary, very tall and thin, with a slight stoop, and so far from +wearing a high stock, he had an exceedingly long neck emerging from a +very low collar. His name was Arthur James Balfour. + +I think Mr. Balfour and the late Mr. George Wyndham were the only +pupils of Chittenden's who made names for themselves. The rest of us +were content to plod along in the rut, though we had been taught to +concentrate, to remember, and to observe. + +Compared with the manner in which little boys are now pampered at +preparatory schools, our method of life appears very Spartan. We never +had fires or any heating whatever in our dormitories, and the windows +were always open. We were never given warm water to wash in, and in +frosty weather our jugs were frequently frozen over. Truth compels me +to admit that this freak of Nature's was rather welcomed, for little +boys are not as a rule over-enamoured of soap and water, and it was an +excellent excuse for avoiding any ablutions whatever. We rose at six, +winter and summer, and were in school by half-past six. The windows of +the school-room were kept open, whilst the only heating came from a +microscopic stove jealously guarded by a huge iron stockade to prevent +the boys from approaching it. For breakfast we were never given +anything but porridge and bread and butter. We had an excellent dinner +at one o'clock, but nothing for tea but bread and butter again, never +cake or jam. It will horrify modern mothers to learn that all the boys, +even little fellows of eight, were given two glasses of beer at dinner. +And yet none of us were ever ill. I was nearly five years at +Chittenden's, and I do not remember one single case of illness. We were +all of us in perfect health, nor were we ever afflicted with those +epidemics which seem to play such havoc with modern schools, from all +of which I can only conclude that a regime of beer and cold rooms is +exceedingly good for little boys. + +The Grange, Mr. Chittenden's house, was one of the most perfect +examples of a real Queen Anne house that I ever saw. Every room in the +house was wood-panelled, and there was some fine carving on the +staircase. The house, with a splendid avenue of limes leading up to it, +stood in a large old-world garden, where vast cedar trees spread +themselves duskily over shaven lawns round a splashing fountain, and +where scarlet geraniums blazed. Such a beautiful old place was quite +wasted as a school. + +We were very well treated by both Mr. and Mrs. Chittenden, and we were +all very happy at the Grange. During my first year there one of my +elder brothers died. A child of ten, should death never have touched +his family, looks upon it as something infinitely remote, affecting +other people but not himself. Then when the first gap in the home +occurs, all the child's little world tumbles to pieces, and he wonders +how the birds have the heart to go on singing as usual, and how the sun +can keep on shining. A child's grief is very poignant and real. I can +never forget Mr. and Mrs. Chittenden's extreme kindness to a very +sorrowful little boy at that time. + +There was one curious custom at Chittenden's, and I do not know whether +it obtained in other schools in those days. Some time in the summer +term the head-boy would announce that "The Three Sundays" had arrived, +and must be duly observed according to ancient custom. We all obeyed +him implicity. The first Sunday was "Cock-hat Sunday," the second "Rag +Sunday," and the third (if I may be pardoned) "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." +On the first Sunday we all marched to church with our high hats at an +extreme angle over our left ears; on the second Sunday every boy had +his handkerchief trailing out of his pocket; on the third, I am sorry +to say, thirty-one little boys expectorated surreptitiously but +simultaneously in the pews, as the first words of the Litany were +repeated. I think that we were all convinced that these were regularly +appointed festivals of the Church of England. I know that I was, and I +spent hours hunting fruitlessly through my Prayer Book to find some +allusion to them. I found Sundays after Epiphany, Sundays in Lent, and +Sundays after Trinity, but not one word could I discover, to my +amazement, either about "Cock-hat Sunday" or "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." +What can have been the origin of this singular custom I cannot say. +When I, in my turn, became head-boy, I fixed "The Three Sundays" early +in May. It so happened that year that the Thursday after "Cock-hat +Sunday" was Ascension Day, when we also went to church, but, it being a +week-day, we wore our school caps in the place of high hats. Ascension +Day thus falling, if I may so express myself, within the Octave of +"Cock-hat Sunday," I decreed that the customary ritual must be observed +with the school caps, and my little flock obeyed me implicitly. So +eager were some of the boys to do honour to this religious festival, +that their caps were worn at such an impossible angle that they kept +tumbling off all the way to church. It is the only time in my life that +I have ever wielded even a semblance of ecclesiastical authority, and I +cannot help thinking that the Archbishop of Canterbury would have +envied the unquestioning obedience with which all my directions were +received, for I gather that his own experience has not invariably been +equally fortunate. + +At thirteen I said good-bye to the pleasant Grange, and went, as my +elder brothers, my father, and my grandfather had done before me, to +Harrow. + +In the Harrow of the "seventies" there was one unique personality, that +of the Rev. John Smith, best-loved of men. This saintly man was +certainly very eccentric. We never knew then that his whole life had +been one long fight against the hereditary insanity which finally +conquered him. In appearance he was very tall and gaunt, with +snow-white whiskers and hair, and the kindest eyes I have ever seen in +a human face; he was meticulously clean and neat in his dress. "John," +as he was invariably called, on one occasion met a poorly clad beggar +shivering in the street on a cold day, and at once stripped off his own +overcoat and insisted on the beggar taking it. John never bought +another overcoat, but wrapped himself in a plaid in winter-time. He +addressed all boys indiscriminately as "laddie," though he usually +alluded to the younger ones as "smallest of created things," +"infinitesimal scrap of humanity," or "most diminutive of men"; but, +wildly eccentric as he was, no one ever thought of laughing at him. It +was just "old John," and that explained everything. + +I was never "up" to John, for he taught a low Form, and I had come from +Chittenden's, and all Chittenden's boys took high places; but he took +"pupil-room" in my house, and helped my tutor generally, so I saw John +daily, and, like every one else, I grew very much attached to this +simple, saint-like old clergyman. + +He went round every room in the house on Sunday evenings, always first +scrupulously knocking at the door. An untidy room gave him positive +pain, and the most slovenly boys would endeavour to get their filthy +rooms into some sort of order, "just to please old John." John was +passionately fond of flowers, and one would meet the most unlikely boys +with bunches of roses in their hands. If one inquired what they were +for, they would say half-sheepishly, "Oh, just a few roses I've bought. +I thought they would please old John; you know how keen the old chap is +on flowers." Now English schoolboys are not as a rule in the habit of +presenting flowers to their masters. For all his apparent simplicity, +John was not easy to "score off." I have known Fifth-form boys bring a +particularly difficult passage of Herodotus to John in "pupil-room," +knowing that he was not a great Greek scholar. John, after glancing at +the passage, would say, "Laddie, you splendid fellows in the Upper +Fifth know so much; I am but a humble and very ignorant old man. This +passage is beyond my attainments. Go to your tutor, my child. He will +doubtless make it all clear to you; and pray accept my apologies for +being unable to help you," and the Fifth-form boy would go away feeling +thoroughly ashamed of himself. After his death, it was discovered from +his diary that John had been in the habit of praying for twenty boys by +name, every night of his life. He went right down the school list, and +then he began again. Any lack of personal cleanliness drove him +frantic. I myself have heard him order a boy with dirty nails and hands +out of the room, crying, "Out of my sight, unclean wretch! Go and +cleanse the hands God gave you, before I allow you to associate with +clean gentlemen, and write out for me two hundred times, 'Cleanliness +is next to godliness.'" + +John took the First Fourth, and his little boys could always be +detected by their neatness and extreme cleanliness. Neither of these +can be called a characteristic of little boys in general, but the +little fellows made an effort to overcome their natural tendencies "to +please old John." When his hereditary enemy triumphed, and his reason +left him, hundreds of his old pupils wished to subscribe, and to +surround John for the remainder of his life with all the comforts that +could be given him in his afflicted condition. It was very +characteristic of John to refuse this offer, and to go of his own +accord into a pauper asylum, where he combined the duties of chaplain +and butler until his death. John was buried at Harrow, and by his own +wish no bell was tolled, and his coffin was covered with scarlet +geraniums, as a sign of rejoicing. I know how I should describe John, +were I preaching a sermon. + +Another mildly eccentric Harrow master was the Rev. T. Steele, +invariably known as "Tommy." His peculiarities were limited to his use +of the pronoun "we" instead of "I," as though he had been a crowned +head, and to his habit of perpetually carrying, winter and summer, rain +or sunshine, a gigantic bright blue umbrella. He had these umbrellas +specially made for him; they were enormous, the sort of umbrellas Mrs. +Gamp must have brought with her when her professional services were +requisitioned, and they were of the most blatant blue I have ever +beheld. Old Mr. Steele, with his jovial rubicund face, his flowing +white beard, and his bright blue umbrella, was a species of walking +tricolour flag. + +Schoolboys worship a successful athlete. There was a very pleasant +mathematical master named Tosswill, always known as "Tosher," who at +that time held the record for a broad jump, he having cleared, when +jumping for Oxford, twenty-two and a half feet. That record has long +since been beaten. Should one be walking with another boy when passing +"Tosher," he was almost certain to say, "You know that Tosher holds the +record for broad jumps. Twenty-two and a half feet; he must be an +awfully decent chap!" Tosswill had the knack of devising ingenious +punishments. I was "up" to him for mathematics, and, with my hopelessly +non-mathematical mind, I must have been a great trial to him. At that +time I was playing the euphonium in the school brass band, an +instrument which afforded great joy to its exponents, for in most +military marches the solo in the "trio" falls to the euphonium, though +I fancy that I evoked the most horrible sounds from my big brass +instrument. To play a brass instrument with any degree of precision, it +is first necessary to acquire a "lip"--that is to say, the centre of +the lip covered by the mouthpiece must harden and thicken before "open +notes" can be sounded accurately. To "get a lip" quickly, I always +carried my mouthpiece in my pocket, and blew noiselessly into it +perpetually, even in school. Tosher had noticed this. One day my +algebra paper was even worse than usual. With the best intentions in +the world to master this intricate branch of knowledge, algebra +conveyed nothing whatever to my brain. To state that A + b = xy, seemed +to me the assertion of a palpable and self-evident falsehood. After +looking through my paper, Tosher called me up. "Your algebra is quite +hopeless, Hamilton. You will write me out a Georgic. No; on second +thoughts, as you seem to like your brass instrument, you shall bring it +up to my house every morning for ten days, and as the clock strikes +seven, you shall play me "Home, Sweet Home" under my window." +Accordingly every morning for ten days I trudged through the High +Street of Harrow with my big brass instrument under my arm, and as +seven rang out from the school clock, I commenced my extremely +lugubrious rendering of "Home, Sweet Home," on the euphonium, to a +scoffing and entirely unsympathetic audience of errand-boys and early +loafers, until Tosher's soap-lathered face nodded dismissal from the +window. + +The school songs play a great part in Harrow life. Generation after +generation of boys have sung these songs, and they form a most potent +bond of union between Harrovians of all ages, for their words and music +are as familiar to the old Harrovian of sixty as to the present +Harrovian of sixteen. + +Most of these songs are due to the genius of two men, Edward Bowen and +John Farmer. Like Gilbert and Sullivan, neither of these would, I +think, have risen to his full height without the aid of the other. +Farmer had an inexhaustible flow of facile melody at his command, +always tuneful, sometimes almost inspired. In addition to the published +songs, he was continually throwing off musical settings to topical +verse, written for some special occasion. These were invariably bright +and catchy, and I am sorry that Farmer considered them of too ephemeral +a nature to be worth preserving. "Racquets," in particular, had a +delightfully ear-tickling refrain. Bowen's words are a little unequal +at times, but at his best he is very hard to beat. + +I had organ lessons from Farmer, and as I liked him extremely, I was +continually at his house. I enjoyed seeing him covering sheets of music +paper with rapid notation, and then humming the newly born product of +his musical imagination. As I had a fairly good treble voice, and could +read a part easily, Farmer often selected me to try one of his new +compositions at "house-singing," where the boys formed an exceedingly +critical audience. Either the new song was approved of, or it was +received in chilling silence. Farmer in moments of excitement perspired +more than any human being I have ever seen. Going to his house one +afternoon, I found him bathed in perspiration, writing away for dear +life. He motioned me to remain silent, and went on writing. Presently +he jumped up, and exclaimed triumphantly, "I have got it! I have got it +at last!" He then showed me the words he was setting to music. They +began: + + "Forty years on, when afar and asunder, + Parted are those who are singing to-day." + +"I wrote another tune to it first," explained Farmer, "a bright tune, a +regular bell-tinkle" (his invariable expression for a catchy tune), +"but Bowen's words are too fine for that. They want something +hymn-like, something grand, and now I've found it. Listen!" and Farmer +played me that majestic, stately melody which has since been heard in +every country and in every corner of the globe, wherever two old +Harrovians have come together. Some people may recall how, during the +Boer War, "Forty years on" was sung by two mortally wounded Harrovians +on the top of Spion Kop just before they died. + +To my great regret my voice had broken then, else it is quite possible +that Farmer might have selected me to sing "Forty years on" for the +very first time. As it was, that honour fell to a boy named A.M. +Wilkinson, who had a remarkably sweet voice. + +John Farmer's eccentricities were, I think, all assumed. He thought +they helped him to manage the boys. I sang in the chapel choir, and he +circulated the quaintest little notes amongst us, telling us how he +wished the Psalms sung. "Psalm 136, quite gaily and cheerfully; Psalm +137, very slowly and sorrowfully; Psalm 138, real merry bell-tinkle, +with plenty of organ.--J. F." + +Long after I had left, Farmer continued to pour out a ceaseless flow of +school songs. Of course they varied in merit, but in some, such as +"Raleigh," and "Five Hundred Faces," he managed to touch some subtle +chord of sympathy that makes them very dear to those who heard them in +their youth. After Farmer left Harrow for Oxford, his successor, Eaton +Faning, worthily continued the traditions. All Eaton Failing's songs +are melodious, but in two of them, "Here, sir!" and "Pray, charge your +glasses, gentlemen," he reaches far higher levels. + +The late E.W. Howson's words to "Here, sir!" seem to strike exactly the +right note for boys. They are fine and virile, with underlying +sentiment, yet free from the faintest suspicion of mawkish +sentimentality. Two of the verses are worth quoting: + + "Is it nought--our long procession, + Father, brother, friend, and son, + As we step in quick succession, + Cap and pass and hurry on? + One and all, + At the call, + Cap and pass and hurry on? + Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc. + + "So to-day--and oh! if ever + Duty's voice is ringing clear, + Bidding men to brave endeavour, + Be our answer, 'We are here!' + Come what will, + Good or ill, + We will answer, 'We are here!' + Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc. + +The allusion is, of course, to "Bill," the Harrow term for the +roll-call. These lines, for me, embody all that is best in the +so-called "Public School spirit." + +In my time the distant view from the chapel terrace was exceedingly +beautiful, whilst the immediate foreground was uncompromisingly ugly. A +vegetable garden then covered the space where now the steps of the +"Slopes" run down through lawns and shrubberies, and rows of +utilitarian cabbages and potatoes extended right up to the terrace +wall. But beyond this prosaic display of kitchen-stuff, in summer-time +an unbroken sea of green extended to the horizon, dotted with such +splendid oaks as only a heavy clay soil can produce. London, instead of +being ten miles off, might have been a hundred miles distant. Now, for +fifty years London, Cobbett's "monstrous wen," has been throwing her +tentative feelers into the green Harrow country. Already pioneer +tentacles of red-brick houses are creeping over the fields, and before +long the rural surroundings will have vanished beyond repair. + +"Ducker," the Harrow bathing-place, has had scant justice done to it. +It is a most attractive spot, standing demurely isolated amidst its +encircling fringe of fine elms, and jealously guarded by a high wooden +palisade, No unauthorised person can penetrate into "Ducker"; in +summer-time it is the boys' own domain. The long tiled pool stretches +in sweeping curves for 250 feet under the great elms, a splashing +fountain at one end, its far extremity gay with lawns and flower-beds. +I can conceive of nothing more typical of the exuberant joie-de-vivre +of youth than the sight of Ducker on a warm summer evening when the +place is ringing with the shouts and laughter of some four hundred +boys, all naked as when they were born, swimming, diving, ducking each +other, splashing and rollicking in the water, whilst others stretched +out on the grass, puris naturalibus, are basking in the sun, or +regaling themselves on buns and cocoa. The whole place is vibrant with +the intense zest the young feel in life, and with the whole-hearted +powers of enjoyment of boyhood. A school-song set to a captivating +waltz-lilt record the charms of Ducker. One verse of it, + + "Oh! the effervescing tingle, + How it rushes in the veins! + Till the water seems to mingle + With the pulses and the brains," + +exactly expresses the reason why, as a boy, I loved Ducker so. + +Unfortunately, I never played cricket for Harrow at "Lords," as my two +brothers George and Ernest did. My youngest brother would, I think, +have made a great name for himself as a cricketer, had not the fairies +endowed him at his birth with a fatal facility for doing everything +easily. As the result of this versatility, his ambitions were +continually changing. He accordingly abandoned cricket for steeplechase +riding, at which he distinguished himself until politics ousted +steeplechase riding. After some years, politics gave place to golf and +music, which were in their turn supplanted by photography. He then +tried writing a few novels, and very successful some of them were, +until it finally dawned on him that his real vocation in life was that +of a historian. My brother was naturally frequently rallied by his +family on his inconstancy of purpose, but he pleaded in extenuation +that versatility had very marked charms of its own. He produced one day +a copy of verses, written in the Gilbertian metre, to illustrate his +mental attitude, and they strike me as so neatly worded, that I will +reproduce them in full. + + "THE CURSE OF VERSATILITY" + + "It is possible the student of Political Economy + Might otherwise have cultivated Fame, + And the Scientist whose energies are given to Astronomy + May sacrifice a literary name. + In the Royal Academician may be buried a facility + For prosecuting Chemical Research, + But he knows that if he truckles to the Curse of Versatility, + Competitors will leave him in the lurch. + + "If an eminent physician should develop a proclivity + For singing on the operatic stage, + He will find that though his patients may apparently forgive + it, he + Will temporal'ly cease to be the rage, + And the lawyer who depreciates his logical ability + And covets a poetical renown, + Will discover on his Circuit that the Curse of Versatility + Has limited the office of his gown. + + "The costermonger yonder, if he had the opportunity, + Might rival the political career + Of the orator who poses as the pride of the community, + The Radical Hereditary Peer. + And the genius who fattens on a chronic inability + To widen the horizon of his brain, + May be stupider than others whom the Curse of Versatility + Has fettered with a mediocre chain. + + "Should a Civil Servant woo the panegyrics of Society, + And hanker after posthumous applause, + It MAY happen that possession of a prodigal variety + Of talents will invalidate his cause. + He must learn to put a tether on his cerebral agility, + And focus all his energies of aim + On ONE isolated idol, or the Curse of Versatility + Will drag him from the pinnacle of Fame. + + "Though the Curse may be upon us, and condemn us for Eternity + To jostle with the ordinary horde; + Though we grovel at the shrine of the professional fraternity + Who harp upon one solitary chord; + Still...we face the situation with an imperturbability + Of spirit, from the knowledge that we owe + To the witchery that lingers in the Curse of Versatility + The balance of our happiness below." + +Of course, to some temperaments variety will appeal; whilst others +revel in monotony. The latter are like a District Railway train, going +perpetually round and round the same Inner Circle. As far as my +experience goes, the former are the more interesting people to meet. + +To persons of my time of life, the last verse of "Forty years on" has a +tendency to linger in the memory. It runs-- + + "Forty years on, growing older and older, + Shorter in wind, as in memory long, + Feeble of foot, and rheumatic of shoulder, + What will it help you that once you were strong?" + +Although it is now fifty, instead of "forty years on," I indignantly +disclaim the "feeble of foot," whilst reluctantly pleading guilty to +"rheumatic of shoulder." It is common to most people, as they advance +in life, to note with a sorrowful satisfaction the gradual decay of the +physical powers of their contemporaries, though they always seem to +imagine that they themselves have retained all their pristine vigour, +and have successfully resisted every assault of Time's battering-ram. +The particular sentiment described in German as "Schadenfreude," +"pleasure over another's troubles" (how characteristic it is that there +should be no equivalent in any other language for this peculiarly +Teutonic emotion!), makes but little appeal to the average Briton +except where questions of age and of failing powers come into play, and +obviously this only applies to men: no lady ever grows old for those +who are really fond of her; one always sees her as one likes best to +think of her. + +I have already divulged one family secret, so I will reveal another. +Some few years ago my three eldest brothers were dining together. Each +of them professed deep concern at the palpable signs of physical decay +which he detected in his brethren, whilst congratulating himself on +remaining untouched by advancing years. The dispute became acrimonious +to a degree; the grossest personalities were freely bandied about. At +length it was decided to put the matter to a practical test, and it was +agreed (I tell this in the strictest confidence) that the three +brothers should run a hundred yards race in the street then and there. +Accordingly, a nephew of mine paced one hundred yards in Montagu +Street, Portman Square, and stood immovable as winning-post. The +Chairman of the British South African Chartered Company, the Chairman +of the Great Eastern Railway Company, and the Secretary of State for +India took up their positions in the street and started. The Chairman +of the Great Eastern romped home. We are all of us creatures of our +environment, and we may become unconsciously coloured by that +environment; as the Great Eastern Railway has always adopted a go-ahead +policy, it is possible that some particle of the momentum which would +naturally result from this may have been subconsciously absorbed by the +Chairman, thus giving him an unfair advantage over his brothers. It is +unusual for a Duke, a Chairman of an important Railway Company, and a +Secretary of State to run races in a London street at ten o'clock at +night, especially when the three of them were long past their sixtieth +year, but I feel certain that my confidence about this little episode +will be respected. + +I fear that this habit of running races late in life may be a family +failing. During my father's second tenure of office as Lord-Lieutenant +of Ireland, he was still an enthusiastic cricketer, and played +regularly in the Viceregal team in spite of his sixty-four years. The +Rev. Dr. Mahaffy, Professor of Ancient History at Trinity College, +Dublin, also played for the Viceregal Lodge in his capacity of Chaplain +to the Viceroy. Dr. Mahaffy, though a fine bowler, was the worst runner +I have ever seen. He waddled and paddled slowly over the ground like a +duck, with his feet turned outwards, exactly as that uninteresting fowl +moves. My father frequently rallied Dr. Mahaffy on his defective +locomotive powers, and finally challenged him to a two hundred yards +race. My father being sixty-four years old, and Dr. Mahaffy only +thirty-six, it was agreed that the Professor should be handicapped by +wearing cricket-pads, and by carrying a cricket bat. I was present at +the race, which came off in the gardens of the Viceregal Lodge, before +quite a number of people. My father won with the utmost ease, to the +delirious joy of the two policemen on duty, who had never before seen a +Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland racing a Professor of Trinity College. + +I myself must plead guilty to having entered for a "Veterans' Race" two +years ago, at the age of sixty-one, at some Sunday School sports in +Ireland. I ran against a butler, a gardener, two foremen-mechanics, and +four farmers, but only achieved second place, and that at the price of +a sprained tendon, so possibly the "feeble of foot" of the song really +is applicable to me after all. The butler, who won, started off with +the lead and kept it, though one would naturally have expected a butler +to run a "waiting" race. + +I was at Harrow with the Duke of Aosta, brother of the beautiful Queen +Margherita of Italy. H. R. H. sported a full curly yellow beard at the +age of sixteen, a somewhat unusual adornment for an English schoolboy. +When I accompanied my father's special Mission to Rome in 1878, at a +luncheon at the Quirinal Palace, Queen Margherita alluded to her +brother having been at Harrow, and added, "I am told that Harrow is the +best school in England." The Harrovians present, including my father, +my brother Claud, myself, the late Lord Bradford, and my brother-in-law +the late Lord Mount Edgcumbe, welcomed this indisputable proposition +warmly--nay, enthusiastically. The Etonians who were there, Sir +Augustus Paget, then British Ambassador in Rome, the late Lord +Northampton, and others, contravened her Majesty's obviously true +statement with great heat, quite oblivious of the fact that it is +opposed to all etiquette to contradict a Crowned Head. The dispute +engendered considerable heat on either side; the walls of that hall in +the Quirinal rang with our angered protests, until the Italians present +became quite alarmed. Our discussion having taken place in English, +they had been unable to follow it, and they felt the gravest +apprehensions as to the plot the foreigners were evidently hatching. +When told that we were merely discussing the rival merits of two +schools in England, they were more than ever confirmed in their opinion +that all English people were hopelessly mad. + +To one like myself, to whom it has fallen to visit almost every country +on the face of the globe, there is always a tinge of melancholy in +revisiting the familiar High Street of Harrow. It is like returning to +the starting-point at the conclusion of a long race. The externals +remain unchanged. Outwardly, the New Schools, the Chapel, the Vaughan +Library, and the Head-Master's House all wear exactly the same aspect +that they bore half a century ago. They have not changed, and the +ever-renewed stream of young life flows through the place as joyously +as it did fifty years ago. But.... + + "Oh, the great days in the distance enchanted, + Days of fresh air, in the rain and the sun." + +At times the imagination is apt to play tricks and to set back the +hands of the clock, until one pictures oneself again in a short jacket +and Eton collar, going up to school, with a pile of books hugged under +the left arm, and the intervening half-century wiped out. But, as they +would put it in Ireland, these lucky, fresh-faced youngsters of to-day +have their futures in front of them, not behind them. Then it is that +Howson's words, wedded to John Farmer's haunting refrain, come back to +the mind-- + + "Yet the time may come as the years go by, + When your heart will thrill + At the thought of 'The Hill' + And the day that you came, so strange and shy." + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +Mme. Ducros--A Southern French country town--"Tartarin de +Tarascon"--His prototypes at Nyons--M. Sisteron the roysterer--The +Southern French--An octogenarian pesteur--French +industry--"Bone-shakers"--A wonderful +"Cordon-bleu"--"Slop-basin"--French legal procedure--The +bons-vivants--The merry French judges--La gaiete francaise--Delightful +excursions--Some sleepy old towns--Orange and Avignon--M. Thiers' +ingenious cousin--Possibilities--French political situation in +1874--The Comte de Chambord--Some French characteristics--High +intellectual level--Three days in a Trappist Monastery--Details of life +there--The Arian heresy--Silkworm culture--Tendencies of French to +complicate details--Some examples--Cicadas in London. + + +As it had already been settled that I was to enter the Diplomatic +Service, my father very wisely determined that I should leave Harrow as +soon as I was seventeen to go to France, in order to learn French +thoroughly. As he pointed out, it would take three years at least to +become proficient in French and German, and it would be as well to +begin at once. + +The French tutor selected for me enjoyed a great reputation at that +time. Oddly enough, she was a woman, but it will be gathered that she +was quite an exceptional woman, when I say that she had for years ruled +four unruly British cubs, varying in age from seventeen to twenty, with +an absolute rod of iron. Mme. Ducros was the wife of a French judge, +she spoke English perfectly, and must have been in her youth a +wonderfully good-looking woman. She was very tall, and still adhered to +the dress and headdress of the "sixties," wearing little bunches of +curls over each ear--a becoming fashion, even if rather reminiscent of +a spaniel. + +The Ducros lived at Nyons in the south of France. Nyons lay twenty-five +miles east of the main line from Paris to Marseilles, and could only be +reached by diligence. I think that I can safely say that no foreigner +(with the exception of the Ducros' pupils) had ever set foot in Nyons, +for the place was quite unknown, and there was nothing to draw +strangers there. It was an extraordinarily attractive spot, lying in a +little circular cup of a valley of the Dauphine Alps, through which a +brawling river had bored its way. Nyons was celebrated for its wine, +its olive oil, its silk, and its truffles, all of them superlatively +good. The ancient little walled town, basking in this sun-trap of a +valley, stood out ochre-coloured against the silver-grey background of +olive trees, whilst the jagged profiles of the encircling hills were +always mistily blue, with that intense blue of which the Provence hills +seem alone to have the secret. So few English people knew anything +about the conditions of life in a little out-of-the-way French +provincial town, where no foreigners have ever set foot, that it may be +worth while saying something about them. In the first place, it must +have been deadly dull for the inhabitants, for nothing whatever +happened there. Even the familiar "tea and tennis," the stereotyped +mild dissipation of little English towns, was quite unknown. There was +no entertaining of any sort, beyond the formal visits the ladies were +perpetually paying each other. The Ducros alone, occasionally, asking +their legal friends to dinner, invitations accepted with the utmost +enthusiasm, for the culinary genius who presided over the Ducros' +kitchen (M. Dueros' own sister) deservedly enjoyed an enormous local +reputation. + +Most people must be familiar with Alphonse Daudet's immortal work, +Tartarin de Tarascon, in which the typical "Meridional" of Southern +France is portrayed with such unerring exactitude that Daudet himself, +after writing the book, was never able to set foot in Tarascon again. + +We had a cercle in Nyons, in the Place Napoleon (re-christened Place de +la Republique after September 4, 1870), housed in three rather stately, +sparsely furnished, eighteenth-century rooms. Here, with the exception +of Tartarin himself, the counterparts of all Daudet's characters were +to be found. "Le Capitaine Bravida" was represented by Colonel Olivier, +a fiercely moustached and imperialled Crimean veteran, who perpetually +breathed fire and swords on any potential enemy of France. "Costecalde" +found his prototype in M. Sichap, who, although he had in all +probability never fired off a gun in his life, could never see a tame +pigeon, or even a sparrow flying over him, without instantly putting +his walking-stick to his shoulder and loudly ejaculating, "Pan, pan," +which was intended to counterfeit the firing of both barrels of a gun. +I once asked M. Sichap why so excellent a shot as he (with a +walking-stick) invariably missed his bird with his first barrel, and +only brought him down with his second. This was quite a new light to M. +Sichap, who had hithered considered the double "Pan, pan," an +indispensable adjunct to the pantomime of firing a gun; much as my +young brother and I had once imagined "Ug, ug," an obligatory +commencement to any remark made by a Red Indian "brave." + +In so remote a place as Nyons, over four hundred miles from the +capital, the glamour of Paris exercised a magical attraction. The few +inhabitants of Nyons who had ever visited Paris, or even merely passed +through it, were never quite as other people, some little remnant of an +aureole encircled them. The dowdy little wife of M. Pelissier, who had +first seen the light in some grubby suburb of Paris, either +Levallois-Perret or Clichy, held an immense position in Nyons on the +strength of being "une vraie Parisienne," and most questions of taste +were referred to her. M. Sisteron, the collector of taxes, himself a +native of Nyons, had twenty years before gone to Paris on business, and +spent four days there. There were the darkest rumours current in Nyons, +to the effect that M. Sisteron had spent these four days in a whirl of +the most frantic and abandoned dissipation. It was popularly supposed +that these four days in Paris, twenty years ago, had so completely +unsettled M. Sisteron that life in Nyons had lost all zest for him. He +was perpetually hungering for the delirious joys of the metropolis; +even the collection of taxes no longer afforded him the faintest +gratification. Every inhabitant of Nyons was secretly proud of being +able to claim so dare-devil a roysterer as a fellow-townsman. The +memory of those rumored four hectic days in Paris clung round him like +a halo; it became almost a pleasure to pay taxes to so celebrated a +character. M. Sisteron was short, paunchy, bald, and bearded. He was a +model husband and a pattern as a father. I am persuaded that he had +spent those four days in Paris in the most blameless and innocuous +fashion, living in the cheapest hotel he could find, and, after the +manner of the people of Nyons, never spending one unnecessary franc. +Still, the legend of his lurid four days, and of the amount of +champagne he had consumed during them, persisted. In moments of +expansion, his intimate friends would dig him in the ribs, remembering +those four feverish days, with a facetious, "Ah! vieux polisson de +Sisteron, va! Nous autres, nous n'avons pas fait des farces a Paris +dans notre jeunesse!" to M. Sisteron's unbounded delight. It was in the +genuine spirit of Tartarin de Tarascon, with all the mutual +make-believe on both sides. His wife, Mme. Sisteron, was fond of +assuring her friends that she owed her excellent health to the fact +that she invariably took a bath twice a year, whether she required it +or not. + +The other members of the cercle were also mostly short, tubby, +black-bearded, and olive-complexioned. When not engaged in playing +"manille" for infinitesimal points, they would all shout and +gesticulate violently, as only Southern Frenchmen can, relapsing as the +discussion grew more heated into their native Provencal, for though +Nyons is geographically in Dauphine, climatically and racially it is in +Provence. In Southern France the "Langue d'Oil," the literary language +of Paris and Northern France, has never succeeded in ousting the +"Langue d'Oc," the language of the Troubadours. From hearing so much +Provencal talked round me, I could not help picking up some of it. It +was years before I could rid myself of the habit of inquiring quezaco? +instead of "qu'est ce que c'est?" and of substituting for "Comment cela +va-t-il?" the Provencal Commoun as? I found, too, that it was unusual +elsewhere to address people in our Nyons fashion as "Te, mon bon!" + +Those swarthy, amply waistcoated, voluble little men were really very +good fellows in spite of their excitability and torrents of talk. + +The Southern Frenchmen divide Europe into the "Nord" and the "Midi." +The "Nord" is hardly worth talking about, the sun never really shines +there, and no garlic or oil is used in cookery in those benighted +regions. The town of Lyons is considered to be in the "Nord," although +we should consider it well in the south of France. To the curious in +such matters, it may be pointed out that the line of demarcation +between "Nord" and "Midi" is perfectly well defined. In travelling from +Paris to Marseilles, between Valence and Montelimar, the observer will +note that quite abruptly the type of house changes. In place of the +high-pitched roof of Northern Europe the farm-houses suddenly assume +flat roofs of fluted tiles, with projecting eaves, after the Italian +fashion; at the same time the grey-green olive trees put in a first +appearance. Then you are in the "Midi," and any black-bearded, +olive-complexioned, stumpy little men in the carriage will give a sigh +of relief, for now, at last, the sun will begin to shine. + +Nyons had been for two hundred years a Huguenot stronghold, so for a +French town an unusual proportion of its inhabitants were Protestants, +and there was, oddly enough, a colony of French Wesleyans there. + +M. Ducros' father had been the Protestant pasteur of Nyons for +forty-four years. He was eighty-six years old, and on week-days the old +gentleman dozed in the sun all day, and was quite senile and gaga. On +Sundays, no sooner had he ascended the pulpit than his faculties seemed +to return to him, and he would preach interminable but perfectly +coherent sermons with a vigour astonishing in so old a man, only to +relapse into childishness again on returning home, and to remain senile +till the following Sunday. + +The Ducros lived in a large farm-house on the outskirts of the town. It +was a farm without any livestock, for there is no grass whatever in +that part of France, and consequently no pasture for cattle or sheep. +Every one in Nyons kept goats for milk, and, quaintly enough, they fed +them on the dried mulberry leaves the silkworms had left over. For +every one reared silkworms too, a most lucrative industry. The French +speak of "making" silkworms (faire des vers-a-soie). Lucrative as it +is, it would never succeed in England even if the white mulberry could +be induced to grow, for successful silkworm rearing demands such +continual watchfulness and meticulous attention as only French people +can give; English people "couldn't be bothered" to expend such minute +care on anything they were doing. + +Every foot of the Ducros' property was carefully cultivated, with +vineyards above on the terraced hillside, olive-yards below, and +mulberry trees on the lower levels. Our black mulberry, with its +cloying, luscious fruit, is not the sort used for silkworms; it is the +white mulberry, which does not fruit, that these clever little +alchemists transmute into glossy, profitable cocoons of silk. The +Ducros made their own olive-oil, and their own admirable wine. + +In that sun-drenched cup amongst the hills, roses bloomed all the year +round. I always see Nyons with my inner eyes from the terrace in front +of the house, the air fragrant with roses, and the soothing gurgle of +the fountain below in my ears as it splashed melodiously into its stone +reservoir, the little town standing out a vivid yellow against the +silver background of olive trees, and the fantastic outlines of the +surrounding hills steeped in that wonderful deep Provencal blue. In +spite of its dullness, I and the three other pupils liked the place. We +all grew very fond of the charming Ducros family, we appreciated the +wonderful beauty of the little spot, we climbed all the hills, and, +above all, we had each hired a velocipede. Not a bicycle (except that +it certainly had two wheels); not a so-called "ordinary," as those +machines with one immensely high, shining, nickel-plated wheel and a +little dwarf brother following it, were for some inexplicable reason +termed; but an original antediluvian velocipede, a genuine +"bone-shaker": a clumsy contrivance with two high wooden wheels of +equal height, and direct action. Even on the level they required an +immense amount of muscle to drive them along, and up the smallest hill +every ounce of available strength had to be brought into play. They did +not steer well, were very difficult to get on and off, and gave us some +awful falls; still we got an immense amount of fun out of them, and we +scoured all the surrounding country on them, until all four of us +developed gigantic calves which would have done credit to any +coal-heaver. + +M. Ducros' sister was a brilliant culinary genius such as is only found +in France. We were given truffled omelets, wonderful salads of eggs, +anchovies, and tunny-fish, ducks with oranges and olives, and other +delicacies of the Provencal cuisine prepared by a consummate artist, +and those four English cubs termed them all "muck," and clamoured for +plain roast mutton and boiled potatoes. It really was a case of casting +pearls before swine! Those ignorant hobbledehoys actually turned up +their noses at the admirable "Cotes du Rhone" wine, and begged for +beer. In justice I must add that we were none of us used to truffles or +olives, nor to the oil which replaces butter in Provencal cookery. +Mlle. Louise, the sister, was pained, but not surprised. She had never +left Nyons, and, from her experience of a long string of English +pupils, was convinced that all Englishmen were savages. They inhabited +an island enveloped in dense fog from year's end to year's end. They +had never seen the sun, and habitually lived on half-raw "rosbif." It +was only natural that such young barbarians should fail to appreciate +the cookery of so celebrated a cordon-bleu, which term, I may add, is +only applicable to a woman-cook, and can never be used of a man. This +truly admirable woman made us terrines of truffled foie-gras such as +even Strasburg could not surpass, and gave them to us for breakfast. I +blush to own that those four benighted boys asked for eggs and bacon +instead. + +Although M. Ducros had heard English talked around him for so many +years, he had all the average Frenchman's difficulty in assimilating +any foreign language. His knowledge of our tongue was confined to one +word only, and that a most curiously chosen word. "Slop-basin" was the +beginning and end of his knowledge of the English language. M. Ducros +used his one word of English only in moments of great elation. Should, +for instance, his sister Mlle. Louise have surpassed herself in the +kitchen, M. Ducros, after tasting her chef d'oeuvre, would joyously +ejaculate, "Slop-basin!" several times over. It was understood in his +family that "slop-basin" always indicated that the master of the house +was in an extremely contented frame of mind. + +The judicial system of France is not as concentrated as ours. Every +Sous-prefecture in France has its local Civil Court with a Presiding +Judge, an Assistant Judge, and a "Substitut." The latter, in small +towns, is the substitute for the Procureur de la Republique, or Public +Prosecutor. The legal profession in France is far more "clannish" than +with us, for lawyers have always played a great part in the history of +France. The so-called "Parlements" (not to be confounded with our +Parliament) had had, up to the time of the French Revolution, very +large powers indeed. They were originally Supreme Courts of Justice, +but by the fifteenth century they could not only make, on their own +account, regulations having the force of laws, but had acquired +independent administrative powers. Originally the "Parlement de Paris" +stood alone, but as time went on, in addition to this, thirteen or +fourteen local "Parlements" administered France. After the Revolution, +the term was only applied to Supreme Courts, without administrative +powers. M. Ducros was Assistant Judge of the Nyons Tribunal, and the +Ducros were rather fond of insisting that they belonged to the old +noblesse de robe. + +As a child I could speak French as easily as English, and even after +eight years of French lessons at school, my French was still tucked +away in some corner of my head; but I had, of course, only a child's +vocabulary, sufficient for a child's simple wants. Under Madame Ducros' +skilful tuition I soon began to acquire an adult vocabulary, and it +became no effort to me whatever to talk. + +The French judicial system seems to demand perpetual judicial inquiries +(enquetes) in little country places. M. Ducros invited me to accompany +him, the President, and the "Substitut" on one of these enquetes, and +these three, with their tremendous spirits, their perpetual jokes, and +above all with their delightful gaiete francaise, amused me so +enormously, that I jumped at a second invitation. So it came about in +time, that I invariably accompanied them, and when we started in the +shabby old one-horse cabriolet soon after 7 a.m., "notre ami le petit +Angliche" was always perched on the box. My suspicions may be +unfounded, but I somehow think that these enquetes were conducted not +so much on account of legal exigencies as for the gastronomic +possibilities at the end of the journey, for all our inquiries were +made in little towns celebrated for some local chef. These three merry +bons-vivants revelled in the pleasures of the table, and on our arrival +at our destinations, before the day's work was entered upon, there were +anxious and even heated discussions with "Papa Charron," "Pere Vinay," +or whatever the name of the local artist might be, as to the +comparative merits of truffles or olives as an accompaniment to a +filet, or the rival claims of mushrooms or tunny-fish as a worthy +lining of an omelet. The legal business being all disposed of by two +o'clock, we four would approach the great ceremony of the day, the +midday dinner, with tense expectancy. The President could never keep +out of the kitchen, from which he returned with most assuring reports: +"Cette fois ca y est, mes amis," he would jubilantly exclaim, rubbing +his hands, and even "Papa Charron" himself bearing in the first dish, +his face scorched scarlet from his cooking-stove, would confidently +aver that "MM. les juges seront contents aujourd'hui." + +The crowning seal of approbation was always put on by M. Ducros, who, +after tasting the masterpiece, would cry exultantly, "Bravo! +Slop-basin! Slop-basin!" should it fulfil his expectations. I have +previously explained that M. Ducros' solitary word of English expressed +supreme satisfaction, whilst his friends looked on, with unconcealed +admiration at their colleague's linguistic powers. It sounds like a +record of three gormandising middle-aged men; but it was not quite +that, though, like most French people, they appreciated artistic +cookery. It is impossible for me to convey in words the charm of that +delightful gaiete francaise, especially amongst southern Frenchmen. It +bubbles up as spontaneously as the sparkle of champagne; they were all +as merry as children, full of little quips and jokes, and plays upon +words. Our English "pun" is a clumsy thing compared to the finesse of a +neatly-turned French calembour. They all three, too, had an +inexhaustible supply of those peculiarly French pleasantries known as +petites gauloiseries. I know that I have never laughed so much in my +life. It is only southern Frenchmen who can preserve this unquenchable +torrent of animal spirits into middle life. I was only seventeen; they +were from twenty to thirty years my seniors, yet I do not think that we +mutually bored each other the least. They did not need the stimulus of +alcohol to aid this flow of spirits, for, like most Frenchmen of that +class, they were very abstemious, although the "Patron" always produced +for us "un bon vieux vin de derriere les fagots," or "un joli petit vin +qui fait rire." It was sheer "joie de-vivre" stimulated by the good +food and that spontaneous gaiete francaise which appeals so +irresistibly to me. The "Substitut" always preserved a rather +deferential attitude before the President and M. Ducros, for they +belonged to the magistrature assise, whilst he merely formed part of +the magistrature debout The French word magistrat is not the equivalent +of our magistrate, the French term for which is "Juge de Paix." A +magistrat means a Judge or a Public Prosecutor. + +From being so much with the judges, I grew quite learned in French +legal terms, talked of the parquet (which means the Bar), and +invariably termed the grubby little Nyons law-court the Palais. I +rather fancy that I considered myself a sort of honorary member of the +French Bar. Strictly speaking, Palais only applies to a Court of Law; +old-fashioned Frenchmen always speak of the Chateau de Versailles, or +the Chateau de Fontainbleau, never of the Palais. + +There was always plenty to see in these little southern towns whilst +the judges were at work. In one village there was a perfume factory, +where essential oils of sweet-scented geranium, verbena, lavender, and +thyme were distilled for the wholesale Paris perfumers; a fragrant +place, where every operation was carried on with that minute attention +to detail which the French carry into most things that they do, for, +unlike the inhabitants of an adjacent island, they consider that if a +thing is worth doing at all, it is worth taking trouble over. + +In another village there was a wholesale dealer in silkworms' eggs, +imported direct from China. Besides the eggs, he had a host of Chinese +curios to dispose of, besides quaint little objects in everyday use in +China. + +Above all there was Grignan, with its huge and woefully dilapidated +chateau, the home of Mme. de Sevigne's daughter, the Comtesse de +Grignan. It was to Grignan that this queen of letter-writers addressed +much of her correspondence to her adored daughter, between 1670 and +1695, and Mme. de Sevigne herself was frequently a visitor there. + +Occasionally the judges, the Substitut, and I made excursions further +afield by diligence to Orange, Vaucluse, and Avignon, quite outside our +judicial orbit. Orange, a drowsy little spot, has still a splendid +Roman triumphal arch and a Roman theatre in the most perfect state of +preservation. Orange was once a little independent principality, and +gives its name to the Royal Family of Holland, the sister of the last +of the Princes of Orange having married the Count of Nassau, whence the +House of Orange-Nassau. Indirectly, sleepy little Orange has also given +its name to a widely-spread political and religious organisation of +some influence. + +Vaucluse, most charming of places, in its narrow leafy valley, +surrounded by towering cliffs, is celebrated as having been the home of +Petrarch for sixteen years during the thirteen hundreds. We may hope +that his worshipped Laura sometimes brightened his home there with her +presence. The famous Fountain of Vaucluse rushes out from its cave a +full-grown river. It wastes no time in infant frivolities, but settles +down to work at once, turning a mill within two hundred yards of its +birthplace. + +Avignon is another somnolent spot. The gigantic and gloomy Palace of +the Popes dominates the place, though it is far more like a fortress +than a palace. Here the Popes lived from 1309 to 1377 during their +enforced abandonment of Rome, and Avignon remained part of the Papal +dominions until the French Revolution. The President took less interest +in the Palace of the Popes than he did in a famous cook at one of the +Avignon hotels. He could hardly recall some of the plats of this noted +artist without displaying signs of deep emotion. These ancient towns on +the banks of the swift-rushing green Rhone seemed to me to be +perpetually dozing in the warm sun, like old men, dreaming of their +historic and varied past since the days of the Romans. + +My French legal friends were much exercised by a recent decision of the +High Court. M. Thiers had been President of the Republic from 1870 to +1873. A distant cousin of his living in Marseilles, being in pecuniary +difficulties, had applied ineffectually to M. Thiers for assistance. +Whereupon the resourceful lady had opened a restaurant in Marseilles, +and had had painted over the house-front in gigantic letters, +"Restaurant tenu par la cousine de Monsieur Thiers." She was proceeded +against for bringing the Head of the State into contempt, was fined +heavily, and made to remove the offending inscription. My French +friends hotly contested the legality of this decision. They declared +that it was straining the sense of the particular Article of the Code +to make it applicable in such a case, and that it was illogical to +apply the law of Lese-majeste to the Head of a Republican State. The +President pertinently added that no evidence as to the quality of food +supplied in the restaurant had been taken. If bad, it might +unquestionably reflect injuriously on the Head of the State; if good, +on the other hand, in view of the admitted relationship of the +proprietress of the restaurant to him, it could only redound to M. +Thiers' credit. This opens up interesting possibilities. If +relationship to a prominent politician may be utilised for business +purposes, we may yet see in English watering-places the facades of +houses blazoned with huge inscriptions: "This Private Hotel is kept by +a fourth cousin of Lord Rose--," whilst facing it, gold lettering +proudly proclaims that "The Proprietress of this Establishment is a +distant relative of Mr. Ar--Bal--"; or, to impart variety, at the next +turning the public might perhaps be informed in gleaming capitals that +"The Cashier in this Hotel is connected by marriage with Mr. As---." +The idea really offers an unlimited field for private enterprise. + +The political situation in France was very strained at the beginning of +1874. Marshal MacMahon had succeeded M. Thiers as President of the +Republic, and it was well known that the Marshal, as well as the +Royalist majority in the French Chamber, favoured the restoration of +the Bourbon Monarchy, represented by the Comte de Chambord, as head of +the elder branch. People of the type of M. Ducros, and of the President +of the Nyons Tribunal, viewed the possible return of a Legitimist +Bourbon Monarchy with the gravest apprehension. Given the character of +the Comte de Chambord, they felt it would be a purely reactionary +regime. Traditionally, the elder branch of the Bourbons were incapable +of learning anything, and equally incapable of forgetting anything. +These two shrewd lawyers had both been vigorous opponents of the +Bonapartist regime, but they pinned their faith on the Orleans branch, +inexplicably enough to me, considering the treacherous record of that +family. They never could mention the name of a member of the Orleans +family without adding, "Ah! les braves gens!" the very last epithet in +the world I should have dreamed of applying to them. All the +negotiations with the Comte de Chambord fell through, owing to his +obstinacy (to which I have referred earlier) in refusing to accept the +Tricolor as the national flag. Possibly pig-headed obstinacy; but in +these days of undisguised opportunism, it is rare to find a man who +deliberately refuses a throne on account of his convictions. I do not +think that the Comte de Chambord would have been a success in +present-day British politics. A crisis was averted by extending Marshal +MacMahon's tenure of the Presidency to seven years, the "Septennat," as +it was called. Before two years the Orleanists, who had always a keen +appreciation of the side on which their bread was buttered, "rallied" +to the Republic. I rather fancy that some question connected with the +return of the confiscated Orleans fortunes came into play here. The +adherents of the Comte de Chambord always spoke of him as Henri V. For +some reason (perhaps euphony) they were invariably known as "Henri +Quinquists." In the same way, the French people speak of the Emperor +Charles V. as "Charles Quint," never as "Charles Cinq." + +My friends the Nyons lawyers were fond of alluding to themselves as +forming part of the bonne bourgeoisie. It is this bonne bourgeoisie who +form the backbone of France. Frugal, immensely industrious, cultured, +and with a very high standard of honour, they are far removed from the +frivolous, irresponsible types of French people to be seen at smart +watering-places, and they are less dominated by that inordinate love of +money which is an unpleasant element in the national character, and +obscures the good qualities of the hard-working French peasants, making +them grasping and avaricious. + +It must be admitted that this class of the French bourgeoisie surveys +the world from rather a Chinese standpoint. The Celestial, as is well +known, considers all real civilisation confined to China. Every one +outside the bounds of the Middle Kingdom is a barbarian. This is rather +the view of the French bourgeois. He is convinced that all true +civilisation is centred in France, and that other countries are only +civilised in proportion as French influence has filtered through to +them. He will hardly admit that other countries can have an art and +literature of their own, especially should neither of them conform to +French standards. This is easily understood, for the average Frenchman +knows no language but his own, has never travelled, and has no +curiosity whatever about countries outside France. When, in addition, +it is remembered how paramount French literary and artistic influence +was during the greater portion of the seventeenth and eighteenth +centuries, and how universal the use of the French language was in +Northern Continental Europe amongst educated people, the point of view +becomes quite intelligible. + +In spite of this, I enjoyed my excursions with these delightful French +lawyers quite enormously. The other pupils never accompanied us, for +they found it difficult to keep up a conversation in French. + +The average intellectual level is unquestionably far higher in France +than in England, nor is it necessary to give, to a people accustomed +for generations to understand a demi-mot, the elaborate explanations +usually necessary in England when the conversation has got beyond the +mental standards of a child six years old. The French, too, are not +addicted to perpetual wool-gathering. Nor can I conceive of a +Frenchwoman endeavouring to make herself attractive by representing +herself as so hopelessly "vague" that she can never be trusted to +remember anything, or to avoid losing all her personal possessions. +Idiocy, whether genuine or feigned, does not appeal to the French +temperament. The would-be fascinating lady would most certainly be +referred to as "une dinde de premiere classe." + +The French are the only thoroughly logical people in the world, and +their excessive development of the logical faculty leads them at times +into pitfalls. "Ils ont lesdefauts de leurs qualites." In this country +we have found out that systems, absolutely indefensible in theory, at +times work admirably well in practice, and give excellent results. No +Frenchman would ever admit that anything unjustifiable in theory could +possibly succeed in practice--"Ce n'est pas logique," he would object, +and there would be the end of it. + +The Substitut informed me one day that he was making a "retreat" for +three days at the Monastery of La Trappe d'Aiguebelle, and asked me if +I would care to accompany him. To pass three days in a Trappist +Monastery certainly promised a novel experience, but I pointed out that +I was a Protestant, and that I could hardly expect the monks to welcome +me with open arms. He answered that he would explain matters, and that +the difference of religion would be overlooked. So off we started, and +after an interminable drive reached a huge, gaunt pile of buildings in +very arid surroundings. The "Hospice" where visitors were lodged stood +apart from the Monastery proper, the Chapel lying in between. It was +explained to me that I must observe the rule of absolute silence within +the building, and that I would be expected to be in bed by 8.15 p.m. +and to rise at 5 a.m. like the rest of the guests. It was further +conveyed to me that they hoped that I would see my way to attend Chapel +at 5.30 a.m., afterwards I should be free for the remainder of the day. +Talking and smoking were both permitted in the garden. I was given a +microscopic whitewashed cell, most beautifully clean, containing a very +small bed, one chair, a gas-jet, a prie-Dieu, a real human skull, and +nothing else whatever. We went to dinner in a great arched refectory, +where a monk, perched up in a high pulpit, read us Thomas a Kempis in a +droning monotone. Complete silence was observed. At La Trappe no meat +or butter is ever used, but we were given a most excellent dinner of +vegetable soup, fish, omelets, and artichokes dressed with oil, +accompanied by the monks' admirable home-grown wine. There were quite a +number of visitors making "retreats," and I had hard work keeping the +muscles of my face steady, as they made pantomimic signs to the +lay-brothers who waited on us, for more omelet or more wine. After +dinner the "Frere Hospitalier," a jolly, rotund little lay-brother, who +wore a black stole over his brown habit as a sign that he was allowed +to talk, drew me on one side in the garden. As I was a heretic (he put +it more politely) and had the day to myself, would I do him a favour? +He was hard put to it to find enough fish for all these guests; would I +catch him some trout in the streams in the forest? I asked for nothing +better, but I had no trout-rod with me. He produced a rod, SUCH a +trout-rod! A long bamboo with a piece of string tied to it! To fish for +trout with a worm was contrary to every tradition in which I had been +reared, but adaptability is a great thing, so with two turns of a spade +I got enough worms for the afternoon, and started off. The Foret +d'Aiguebelle is not a forest in our acceptation of the term, but an +endless series of little bare rocky hills, dotted with pines, and +fragrant with tufts of wild lavender, thyme and rosemary. It was +intersected with two rushing, beautifully clear streams. I cannot +conceive where all the water comes from in that arid land. In sun-baked +Nyons, water could be got anywhere by driving a tunnel into the parched +hillsides, when sooner or later an abundant spring would be tapped. +These French trout were either ridiculously unsophisticated, or else +very weary of life: they simply asked to be caught. I got quite a heavy +basket, to the great joy of the "Frere Hospitalier," and I got far more +next day. Though we had to rise at five, we got no breakfast till +eight, and a very curious breakfast it was. Every guest had a yard of +bread, and two saucers placed in front of him; one containing honey, +the other shelled walnuts. We dipped the walnuts in the honey, and ate +them with the bread, and excellent they were. In the place of coffee, +which was forbidden, we had hot milk boiled with borage to flavour it, +quite a pleasant beverage. The washing arrangements being primitive, I +waited until every one was safely occupied in Chapel for an hour and a +half, and then had a swim in the reservoir which supplied the monastery +with water, and can only trust that I did not dirty it much. I was +greatly disappointed with the singing in the severe, unadorned Chapel; +it was plainsong, without any organ or instrument. The effect of so +great a body of voices might have been imposing had not the intonation +(as kindly critics say at times of a debutante) been a little +uncertain. As Trappists never speak, one could understand their losing +their voices, but it seems curious that they should have lost their +ears as well, though possibly it was only the visitors who sang so +terribly out of tune. + +I was taken all over the Monastery next day by the "Pere Hospitalier," +who, like his brown-frocked lay-brother, wore a black stole over his +white habit, as a badge of office. With the exception of the fine +cloisters, there were no architectural features whatever about the +squat, massive pile of buildings. The modern chapel, studiously severe +in its details, bore the unmistakable imprint of Viollet-le-Duc's +soulless, mathematically correct Gothic. Personally, I think that +Viollet-le-Duc spoiled every ancient building in France which he +"restored." I was taken into the refectory to see the monks' dinners +already laid out for them. They consisted of nothing but bread and +salad, but with such vast quantities of each! Each monk had a yard-long +loaf of bread, a bottle of wine and an absolute stable-bucket of salad, +liberally dressed with oil and vinegar. The oil supplied the fat +necessary for nutrition, still it was a meagre enough dinner for men +who had been up since 3 a.m. and had done two hours' hard work in the +vegetable gardens. The "Pere Hospitalier" told me that not one scrap of +bread or lettuce would be left at the conclusion of the repast. The +immense austerity of the place impressed me very much. The monks all +slept on plank-beds, but they were not allowed to remain on these hard +resting-places after 3 a.m. Their "Rule" was certainly a very severe +one. I was told that the monks prepared Tincture of Arnica for +medicinal purposes in an adjoining factory, arnica growing wild +everywhere in the Forest, and that the sums realised by the sale of +this drug added materially to their revenues. + +Next day both the Substitut and I were to be received by the Abbot. It +struck me as desirable that we should have our interviews separately, +for as the Substitut was making a "retreat," he might wish to say many +private things to the Abbot which he would not like me, a heretic, to +overhear. As soon as he had finished, I was ushered in alone to the +Abbot's parlour. I found the Abbot very dignified and very friendly, +but what possible subject of conversation could a Protestant youth of +seventeen find which would interest the Father Superior of a French +Monastery, presumably indifferent to everything that passed outside its +walls? Suddenly I had an inspiration: the Arian Heresy! We had had four +lessons on this interesting topic at Chittenden's five years earlier +(surely rather an advanced subject for little boys of twelve!), and +some of the details still stuck in my head. A brilliant idea! Soon we +were at it hammer and tongs; discussing Arius, Alexander, and +Athanasius; the Council of Nicaea, Hosius of Cordova, homo-ousion and +homoi-ousion; Eusebius of Nicomedia, and his namesake of Caesarea. + +Without intending any disrespect to these two eminent Fathers of the +Church, the two Eusebius' always reminded me irresistibly of the two +Ajaxes of Offenbach's opera-bouffe. La Belle Helene, or, later on, of +the "Two Macs" of the music-hall stage of the "nineties." I blessed Mr. +Chittenden for having so thoughtfully provided me with conversational +small-change suitable for Abbots. The Abbot was, I think, a little +surprised at my theological lore. He asked me where I had acquired it, +and when I told him that it was at school, he presumed that I had been +at a seminary for youths destined for the priesthood, an idea which +would have greatly shocked the ultra-Evangelical Mr. Chittenden. + +I was very glad that I had passed those three days at La Trappe, for it +gave one a glimpse into a wholly unsuspected world. The impression of +the tremendous severity with which the lives of the monks were +regulated, remained with me. The excellent monks made the most absurdly +small charges for our board and lodging. Years afterwards I spent a +night in an Orthodox Monastery in Russia, when I regretfully recalled +the scrupulous cleanliness of La Trappe. Never have I shared a couch +with so many uninvited guests, and never have I been so ruthlessly +devoured as in that Russian Monastery. + +With June at Nyons, silkworm time arrived. Three old women, celebrated +for their skill in rearing silkworms, came down from the mountains, and +the magnanerie, as lofts devoted to silkworm culture are called, was +filled with huge trays fashioned with reeds. The old women had a very +strenuous fortnight or so, for silkworms demand immense care and +attention. The trays have to be perpetually cleaned out, and all stale +mulberry leaves removed, for the quality and quantity of the silk +depend on the most scrupulous cleanliness. To preserve an even +temperature, charcoal fires were lighted in the magnanerie, until the +little black caterpillars, having transformed themselves into repulsive +flabby white worms, these worms became obsessed with the desire to +increase the world's supply of silk, and to gratify them, twigs were +placed in the trays for them to spin their cocoons on. The cocoons +spun, they were all picked off, and baked in the public ovens of the +town, in order to kill the chrysalis inside. Nothing prettier can be +imagined than the streets of Nyons, with white sheets laid in front of +every house, each sheet heaped high with glittering, shimmering, +gleaming piles of silk-cocoons, varying in shade from palest +straw-colour to deep orange. If pleasant to the eye, they were less +grateful to the nose, for freshly baked cocoons have the most offensive +odour. The silk-buyers from Lyons then made their appearance, and these +shining heaps of gold thread were transformed into a more portable form +of gold, which found its way into the pockets of the inhabitants. + +The peculiarly French capacity for taking infinite pains, of which a +good example is this silkworm culture, has its drawbacks, when carried +into administrative work. My friend M. David, the post-master of Nyons, +showed me his official instructions. They formed a volume as big as a +family Bible. It would have taken years to learn all these regulations. +The simplest operations were made enormously complicated. Let any one +compare the time required for registering a letter or a parcel in +England, with the time a similar operation in France will demand. M. +David showed me the lithographed sheet giving the special forms of +numerals, 1, 2, 3, and so on, which French postal officials are +required to make. These differ widely from the forms in general use. + +I have my own suspicions that similar sheets are issued to the cashiers +in French restaurants. Personally, I can never read one single item in +the bill, much less the cost, and I can only gaze in hopeless +bewilderment at the long-tailed hieroglyphics, recalling a backward +child's first attempts at "pot-hooks." + +The infinite capacity of the French for taking trouble, and their +minute attention to detail, tend towards unnecessary complications of +simple matters. Thus, on English railways we find two main types of +signals sufficient for our wants, whereas on French lines there are +five different main types of signal. On English lines we have two +secondary signals, against eight in France, all differing widely in +shape and appearance. Again, on a French locomotive the driver has far +more combinations at his command for efficient working under varying +conditions, than is the case in England. The trend of the national mind +is towards complicating details rather than simplifying them. + +Delightful as was the winter climate of Nyons, that sun-scorched little +cup amongst the hills became a place of positive torment as the summer +advanced. The heat was absolutely unendurable. Day and night, thousands +of cicades (the cigales of the French) kept up their incessant "dzig, +dzig, dzig," a sound very familiar to those who have sojourned in the +tropics. Has Nature given this singular insect the power of dispensing +with sleep? What possible object can it hope to attain by keeping up +this incessant din? If a love-song, surely the most optimistic cicada +must realise that his amorous strains can never reach the ears of his +lady-love, since hundreds of his brethren are all keeping up the same +perpetual purposeless chirping, which must obviously drown any +individual effort. Have the cicadas a double dose of gaiete francaise +in their composition, and is this their manner of expressing it? Are +they, like some young men we know, always yearning to turn night into +day? All these are, and will remain, unsolved problems? + +As I found the summer heat of Nyons unbearable, I went back to England +for a holiday, and, on the morning of my departure, climbed some olive +trees and captured fourteen live cicadas, whom I imprisoned in a +perforated cardboard box, and took back to London with me. Twelve of +them survived the journey, and as soon as I had arrived, I carefully +placed the cicadas on the boughs of the trees in our garden in Green +Street, Grosvenor Square. Conceive the surprise of these travelled +insects at finding themselves on the soot-laden branches of a grimy +London tree! The dauntless little creatures at once recommenced their +"dzig, dzig, dzig," in their novel environment, and kept it up +uninterruptedly for twenty-four hours, in spite of the lack of +appreciation of my family, who complained that their night's rest had +been seriously interfered with by the unaccustomed noise. Next evening +the cicadas were silent. Possibly they had been choked with soot, or +had fallen a prey to London cats; but my own theory is that they +succumbed to the after-effects of a rough Channel passage, to which, of +course, they would not have been accustomed. Anyhow, for the first time +in the history of the world, the purlieus of Grosvenor Square rang with +the shrill chirping of cicadas for twenty-four hours on end. + +Six months later I regretfully bid farewell to Nyons, and went direct +from there to Germany. After studying the Teutonic tongue for two and a +half years at Harrow I was master of just two words in it, ja and nein, +so unquestionably there were gaps to fill up. + +I was excedingly sorry to leave the delightful Ducros family who had +treated me so kindly, and I owe a deep debt of gratitude to comely Mme. +Ducros for the careful way in which she taught me history. In teaching +history she used what I may call the synoptic method, taking periods of +fifty years, and explaining contemporaneous events in France, Italy, +Germany, and England during that period. + +With the exception of one friendly visit to the Ducros, I have never +seen pleasant Nyons again. Of late years I have often meditated a +pilgrimage to that sunny little cup in the Dauphine hills, but have +hesitated owing to one of the sad penalties advancing years bring with +them; every single one of my friends, man or woman, must have passed +away long since. I can see Nyons, with its encircling fringe of blue +hills, just as vividly, perhaps, with my inner eyes as I could if it +lay actually before me, and now I can still people it with the noisy, +gesticulating inhabitants whom I knew and liked so much. + +I may add that in Southern French style Nyons is pronounced "Nyonsse," +just as Carpentras is termed "Carpentrasse." + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +Brunswick--Its beauty--High level of culture--The Brunswick +Theatre--Its excellence--Gas vs. electricity--Primitive theatre +toilets--Operatic stars in private life--Some operas unknown in +London--Dramatic incidents in them--Levasseur's parody of +"Robert"--Some curious details about operas--Two fiery old +Pan-Germans--Influence of the teaching profession on modern +Germany--The "French and English Clubs"--A meeting of the "English +Club"--Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign +tongues--Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875--Concerning various +beers--A German sportsman--The silent, quinine-loving youth--The Harz +Mountains--A "Kettle-drive" for hares--Dialects of German--The odious +"Kaffee-Klatsch"--Universal gossip--Hamburg's overpowering +hospitality--Hamburg's attitude towards Britain--The city itself--Trip +to British Heligoland--The island--Some peculiarities--Migrating +birds--Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse--Lady Maxse--The Heligoland +Theatre--Winter in Heligoland. + + +BRUNSWICK had been selected for me as a suitable spot in which to learn +German, and to Brunswick I accordingly went. As I was then eighteen +years old, I did not care to go to a regular tutor's, but wished to +live in a German family, where I was convinced I could pick up the +language in far shorter time. I was exceedingly fortunate in this +respect. A well-to-do Managing Director of some jute-spinning mills had +recently built himself a large house. Mr. Spiegelberg found not only +that his new house was unnecessarily big for his family, but he also +discovered that it had cost him a great deal more than he had +anticipated. He was quite willing, therefore, to enter into an +arrangement for our mutual benefit. + +Brunswick is one of the most beautiful old towns in Europe, Its narrow, +winding streets are (or, perhaps, were) lined with fifteenth and +sixteenth century timbered houses, each storey projecting some two feet +further over the street than the one immediately below it, and these +wooden house-fronts were one mass of the most beautiful and elaborate +carving. Imagine Staples Inn in Holborn double its present height, and +with every structural detail chiselled with patient care into intricate +patterns of fruit and foliage, and you will get some idea of a +Brunswick street. The town contained four or five splendid old +churches, and their mediaeval builders had taken advantage of the +dead-flat, featureless plain in which Brunswick stands, to erect such +lofty towers as only the architects in the Low Countries ever devised; +towers which served as landmarks for miles around, their soaring height +silhouetted against the pale northern sky. The irregular streets and +open places contained one or two gems of Renaissance architecture, such +as the stone-built Town Hall and "Guild House," both very similar in +character to buildings of the same date in sleepy old Flemish towns. +The many gushing fountains of mediaeval bronze and iron-work in the +streets added to the extraordinary picturesqueness of the place. It was +like a scene from an opera in real life. It always puzzled me to think +how the water for these fountains can have been provided on that +dead-flat plain in pre-steam days. There must have been pumps of some +sort. Before 1914, tens of thousands of tourists visited Nuremberg +annually, but the guide-books are almost silent about Brunswick, which +is fully as picturesque. + +The standard of material comfort appeared far higher in Brunswick than +in a French provincial town. The manner in which the Spiegelbergs' +house was fitted up seemed very elaborate after the simple appointments +of the Ducros' farm-house, though nothing in the world would have +induced me to own one single object that this Teutonic residence +contained. The Spiegelbergs treated me extremely kindly, and I was +fortunate in being quartered on such agreeable people. + +At Nyons there was not one single bookseller, but Brunswick bristled +with book-shops, and, in addition, there were two of those most +excellent lending libraries to be found in every German town. Here +almost every book ever published in German or English was to be found, +as well as a few very cautiously selected French ones, for German +parents were careful then as to what their daughters read. + +The great resource of Brunswick was the theatre, such a theatre as does +not exist in any French provincial town, and such a theatre as has +never even been dreamed of in any British town. It was fully as large +as Drury Lane, and was subsidised by the State. I really believe that +every opera ever written was given here, and given quite admirably. In +this town of 60,000 inhabitants, in addition to the opera company, +there was a fine dramatic company, as well as a light opera company, +and a corps de ballet. Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday were devoted to +grand opera, Monday to classical drama (Schiller or Shakespeare), +Wednesday to modern comedy, Friday to light opera or farce. The bill +was constantly changing, and every new piece produced in Berlin or +Vienna was duly presented to the Brunswick public. There are certainly +some things we can learn from Germany! The mounting of the operas was +most excellent, and I have never seen better lighting effects than on +the Brunswick stage, and this, too, was all done by gas, incandescent +electric light not then being dreamed of even. I had imagined in my +simplicity that effects were far easier to produce on the modern stage +since the introduction of electric light. Sir Johnston +Forbes-Robertson, than whom there can be no greater authority, tells me +that this is not so. To my surprise, he declares that electric light is +too crude and white, and that it destroys all illusion. He informs me +that it is impossible to obtain a convincing moonlight effect with +electricity, or to give a sense of atmosphere. Gas-light was yellow, +and colour-effects were obtained by dropping thin screens of coloured +silk over the gas-battens in the flies. This diffused the light, which +a crude blue or red electric bulb does not do. Sir Johnston +Forbes-Robertson astonished me by telling me that Henry Irving always +refused to have electric light on the stage at the Lyceum, though he +had it in the auditorium. All those marvellous and complicated effects, +which old playgoers must well recollect in Irving's Lyceum productions, +were obtained with gas. I remember the lovely sunset, with its +after-glow fading slowly into night, in the garden scene of the Lyceum +version of Faust, and this was all done with gas. The factor of safety +is another matter. With rows of flaming gas-battens in the flies, +however carefully screened off, and another row of "gas lengths" in the +wings, and flaring "ground-rows" in close proximity to highly +inflammable painted canvas, the inevitable destiny of a gas-lit theatre +is only a question of time. The London theatres of the "sixties" all +had a smell of mingled gas and orange-peel, which I thought delicious. + +Mr. Spiegelberg most sensibly suggested that as I was absolutely +ignorant of German, the easiest manner in which I could accustom my +ears to the sound of the language would be to take an abonnement at the +theatre, and to go there nightly. So for the modest sum of thirty +shillings per month, I found myself entitled to a stall in the second +row, with the right of seeing thirty performances a month. I went every +night to the theatre, and there was no monotony about it, for the same +performance was never repeated twice in one month. I have seen, I +think, every opera ever written, and every single one of Shakespeare's +tragedies. A curious trait in the German character is petty +vindictiveness. A certain Herr Behrens had signed a contract as +principal bass with the Brunswick management. Getting a far more +lucrative offer from Vienna, the prudent Behrens had paid a fine, and +thrown over the Brunswick theatre. For eighteen months the unfortunate +man was pilloried every night on the theatre programmes. Every +play-bill had printed on it in large letters, "Kontrakt-bruchig Herr +Behrens," never allowing the audience to forget that poor Behrens was a +convicted "contract-breaker." + +Half Brunswick went to the theatre every night of its life. The ladies +made no pretence of elaborate toilets, but contented themselves with +putting two tacks into the necks of their day gowns so as to make a +V-shaped opening. (With present fashions this would not be necessary.) +Over this they placed one of those appalling little arrangements of +imitation lace and blue or pink bows, to be seen in the shop windows of +every German town, and known, I think, as Theater-Garnitures. They then +drew on a pair of dark plum-coloured gloves, and their toilet was +complete. The contrast between the handsome white-and-gold theatre and +the rows of portly, dowdy matrons, each one with her ample bosom +swathed in a piece of antimacassar, was very comical. Every abonne had +his own peg for hanging his coat and hat on, and this, and the fact +that one's neighbours in the stalls were invariably the same, gave +quite a family atmosphere to the Brunswick theatre. + +The conductor was Franz Abt the composer, and the musical standard of +the operatic performances was very high indeed. The mounting was always +excellent, but going to the theatre night after night, some of the +scenery became very familiar. There was a certain Gothic hall which +seemed to share the mobile facilities of Aladdin's palace. This hall +was ubiquitous, whether the action of the piece lay in Germany, Italy, +France, or England, Mary Queen of Scots sobbed in this hall; +Wallenstein in Schiller's tragedy ranted in it; Rigoletto reproved his +flighty daughter in it. It seemed curious that personages so widely +different should all have selected the same firm of upholsterers to fit +up their sanctums. + +The Spiegelbergs had many friends in the theatrical world, and I was +immensely thrilled one evening at learning that after the performance +of Lohengrin, Elsa and the Knight of the Swan were coming home to +supper with us. When Elsa appeared on the balcony in the second act, +and the moon most obligingly immediately appeared to light up her +ethereal white draperies, I was much excited at reflecting that in two +hours' time I might be handing this lovely maiden the mustard, and it +seemed hardly credible that the resplendent Lohengrin would so soon +abandon his swan in favour of the homely goose that was awaiting him at +the Spiegelbergs', although the latter would enjoy the advantage of +being roasted. + +I was on the tip-toe of expectation until the singers arrived. Fraulein +Scheuerlein, the soprano, was fat, fair, and forty, all of them perhaps +on the liberal side. As she burst into the room, the first words I +heard from the romantic Elsa, whom I had last seen sobbing over her +matrimonial difficulties, were: "Dear Frau Spiegelberg, my..." (Elsa +here used a blunt dissyllable to indicate her receptacle for food) "is +hanging positively crooked with hunger. Quick! For the love of Heaven, +some bread and butter and sausage, or I shall faint;" so the first +words the heroine of the evening addressed to me were somewhat blurred +owing to her mouth being full of sausage, which destroyed most of the +glamour of the situation. Hedwig Scheuerlein was a big, jolly, cheery +South-German, and she was a consummate artist in spite of her large +appetite, as was the tenor Schrotter too. Schrotter was a fair-bearded +giant, who was certainly well equipped physically for playing "heroic" +parts. He had one of those penetrating virile German tenor voices that +appeal to me. These good-natured artists would sing us anything we +wanted, but it was from them that I first got an inkling of those petty +jealousies that are such a disagreeable feature of the theatrical world +in every country. Buxom Scheuerlein was a very good sort, and I used to +feel immensely elated at receiving in my stall a friendly nod over the +footlights from Isolde, Aida, Marguerite, or Lucia, as the case might +be. + +I wonder why none of Meyerbeer's operas are ever given in London. The +"books," being by Scribe, are all very dramatic, and lend themselves to +great spectacular display; Meyerbeer's music is always melodious, and +has a certain obvious character about it that would appeal to an +average London audience. This is particularly true with regard to the +Prophete. The Coronation scene can be made as gorgeous as a Drury Lane +pantomime, and the finale of the opera is thrilling, though the three +Anabaptists are frankly terrible bores. As given at Brunswick, in the +last scene the Prophet, John of Leyden, is discovered at supper with +some boon companions in rather doubtful female society. In the middle +of his drinking-song the palace is blown up. There is a loud crash; the +stage grows dark; hall, supper-table, and revellers all disappear; and +the curtain comes down slowly on moonlight shining over some ruins, and +the open country beyond. A splendid climax! Again, the third act of +Robert le Diable is magnificently dramatic. Bertram, the Evil One in +person, leads Robert to a deserted convent whose nuns, having broken +the most important of their vows, have all been put to death. The +curtain goes up on the dim cloisters of the convent, the +cloister-garth, visible through the Gothic arches of the arcade, bathed +in bright moonlight beyond. Bertram begins his incantations, recalling +the erring nuns from the dead. Very slowly the tombs in the cloister +open, and dim grey figures, barely visible in the darkness, creep +silently out from the graves. Bertram waves his arms over the +cloister-garth, and there, too, the tombs gape apart, and more shadowy +spectres emerge. Soon the stage is full of these faint grey spectral +forms. Bertram lifts his arms. The wicked nuns throw off their grey +wrappers, and appear glittering in scarlet and gold; the stage blazes +with light, and the ballet, the famous "Pas de Fascination," begins. +When really well done, this scene is tremendously impressive. + +I once heard in Paris, Levasseur, the French counterpart of our own +Corney Grain, giving a skit on Robert le Diable, illustrating various +stage conventions. Levasseur, seated at his piano, and keeping up an +incessant ripple of melody, talked something like this, in French, of +course:-- + +"The stage represents Isabelle's bedroom. As is usual with stage +bedrooms, Isabelle's bower is about the size of an average cathedral. +It is very sparsely furnished, but near the footlights is a large gilt +couch, on which Isabelle is lying fast asleep. Robert enters on tip-toe +very very gently, so as not to disturb his beloved, and sings in a +voice that you could hear two miles off, 'Isa-belle!' dropping a full +octave on the last note. Isabelle half awakes, and murmurs, 'I do +believe I heard something. I feel so nervous!' Robert advances a yard, +and sings again, if anything rather louder, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says: +'Really, my nerves do play me such tricks! I can't help fancying that +there is some one in the room, and I am so terribly afraid of burglars. +Perhaps it is only a mouse.' Robert advances right up to Isabelle's +bed, and shouts for the third time in a voice that makes the chandelier +ring again, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says, 'I don't think that I can have +imagined that. There really is some one in the room. I'm terribly +frightened, and don't quite know what to do,' so she gets out of bed, +and anxiously scans the stalls and boxes over the footlights for signs +of an intruder. Finding no one there but the audience, she then +searches the gallery fruitlessly, and getting a sudden inspiration, she +looks behind her, and, to her immense astonishment, finds her lover +standing within a foot of her." This, as told with Levasseur's +inimitable drollery, was excruciatingly funny. + +Robert is an expensive opera to put on, for, owing to hideous +jealousies at the Paris Opera, Meyerbeer was compelled to write two +prima-donna parts which afforded the rival ladies exactly equal +opportunities. In the same way Halevy, the composer of La Juive, had to +re-arrange and transpose his score, for Adolphe Nourrit, the great +Paris tenor, in 1835, when the opera was first produced, was jealous of +the splendid part the bass had been given, the tenor's role being quite +insignificant. So it came about that La Juive is the only opera in +which the grey-bearded old father is played by the principal tenor, +whilst the lover is the light tenor. Mehul's Biblical Joseph and his +Brethren is the one opera in which there are no female characters, +though "Benjamin" is played by the leading soprano. In both the +Prophete and Favorita the contralto plays the principal part, the +soprano having a very subsidiary role. Meyerbeer wrote the part of the +Prophet himself specially for Roger, the great tenor, and that of +"Fides" for Mme. Viardot. By the way, the famous skating scene in the +Prophete was part of the original production in Paris of 1849, and yet +we think roller-skating an invention of yesterday. + +I had German lessons from a Professor Hentze. This old man was the +first example of a militant German that I had come across. He was +always talking of Germany's inevitable and splendid destiny. Although a +Hanoverian by birth, he was a passionate admirer of Bismarck and +Bismarck's policy, and was a furious Pan-German in sentiment. "Where +the German tongue is heard, there will be the German Fatherland," he +was fond of quoting in the original. As he declared that both Dutch and +Flemish were but variants of Low German, he included Holland and +Belgium in the Greater Germany of the future, as well as the +German-speaking Cantons of Switzerland, and Upper and Lower Austria. +Mentally, he possibly included a certain island lying between the North +Sea and the Atlantic as well, though, out of regard for my feelings, he +never mentioned it. Hentze taught English and French in half a dozen +boys' and girls' schools in Brunswick, and his brother taught history +in the "Gymnasium." These two mild-mannered be-spectacled old +bachelors, who in their leisure moments took snuff and played with +their poodle, were tremendous fire-eaters. They were both enormously +proud of the exploits of a cousin of theirs who, under the guise of a +harmless commercial traveller in wines, had been engaged in spying and +map-making for five years in Eastern France prior to 1870. It was, they +averred (no doubt truthfully enough), owing to the labours of their +cousin and of countless others like him, that the Franco-Prussian War +of 1870-71 had been such an overwhelming success for Germany. Where +German interests were concerned, these two old brothers could see +nothing under a white light. And remember that they were teachers and +trainers of youth; it was they who had the moulding of the minds of the +young generation. I think that any one who knows Germany well will +agree with me that it is the influence of the teaching class, whether +in school or university, that has transformed the German mentality so +greatly during the last forty years. These two mild-mannered old +Hentzes must have infected scores and hundreds of lads with their own +aggressively militant views. By perpetually holding up to them their +own dream of a Germany covering half Europe, they must have transmitted +some of their own enthusiasm to their pupils, and underlying that +enthusiasm was a tacit assumption that the end justified any means; +that provided the goal were attained, the manner in which it had been +arrived at was a matter of quite secondary importance. I maintain that +the damnable spirit of modern Germany is mainly due to the teaching +profession, and to the doctrines it consistently instilled into German +youth. + +The Hentzes took in eight resident German pupils who attended the +various schools in the town, mostly sons of wealthy Hamburg +business-people. Hentze was always urging me to associate more with +these lads, three of whom were of my own age, but I could discover no +common ground whatever on which to meet them. The things that +interested me did not appeal to them, and vice versa. They seemed to me +dull youths, heavy alike in mind and body. From lack of sufficient +fresh air and exercise they had all dull eyes, and flabby, white faces +that quivered like blancmanges when they walked. In addition, they +obstinately refused to talk German with me, looking on me as affording +an excellent opportunity for obtaining a gratuitous lesson in English. +One of Hentze's pupils was a great contrast, physically, to the rest, +for he was very spare and thin, and seldom opened his mouth. I was to +see a great deal of this silent, slim lad later on. + +Mr. Spiegelberg was a prominent member of the so-called English and +French Club in Brunswick. This was not in the least what its name would +seem to indicate; the members of the Club were not bursting with +overwhelming love for our language and institutions, nor were they +consumed with enthusiastic admiration for French art and literature. +They were merely some fifteen very practical Brunswick commercial men, +who, realising that a good working knowledge of English and French +would prove extremely useful to them in their business relations, met +at each other's houses in rotation on one night a week during the +winter months, when the host of the evening provided copious supplies +of wine, beer and cigars. For one hour and a half the members of the +Club had to talk English or French as the case might be, under a +penalty of a fine of one thaler (three shillings) for every lapse into +their native German. Mr. Spiegelberg informed me that I had been +elected an honorary member of the English and French Club, which +flattered my vanity enormously at the time. In the light of more mature +experience I quite understand that the presence of a youth to whom +knotty points in both languages could be submitted would be a +considerable asset to the Club, but I then attributed my election +solely to my engaging personality. These Club evenings amused me +enormously, though incidentally they resulted in my acquiring a +precocious love of strong, rank Hamburg cigars. Let us imagine fifteen +portly, be-spectacled, middle-aged or elderly men seated around a table +groaning under a collection of bottles of all shapes and sizes, +addressing each other in laboured inverted English. The German love of +titles is a matter of common knowledge. All these business men had +honorific appellations which they translated into English and +introduced scrupulously into every sentence. The conversation was +something like this: + +"But, Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways, I do not think that you +understand rightly what Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg says. Mr. +Factory Director also spins jute. To make concurrenz with Dundee in +Schottland, he must produce cheaply. To produce cheaply he must +become...no, obtain new machinery from Leeds in England. If that +machinery is duty-payable, Mr. Factory Director cannot produce so +cheaply. That seems to me clear. Once our German industries established +are, then we will see. That is another matter." + +"I take the liberty to differ, Mr. Councillor of Commerce. How then +shall our German industries flourish, if they not protected be? What +for a doctrine is that? Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg thinks only of +jute. Outside jute, the German world of commerce is greater, and with +in-the-near-future-to-be-given railways facilities, vast and imposing +shortly shall be." + +"What Mr. Councillor of Commerce just has said, is true. You, Mr. +Over-Inspector of Railways, and also you, Mr. Ducal Supervisor of +Forests, are not merchants like us, but much-skilled specialists; so is +the point of view different, Mr. Town Councillor Balhorn, you have +given us most brilliant beer to-night. This is no beer of here, it must +be real Munich. It tastes famous. Prosit!" + +"I thank you, Mr. Court Councillor. In the place, gentlemen, of +with-anger-discussing Free Trade, let us all drink some Munich beer. +Discussion is good, but beer with content is better." + +Now I put it to you--could any one picture fifteen English business men +in Manchester, Liverpool, or Leeds doing anything so sensible as to +meet once a week amongst themselves, to acquire proficiency and fluency +in French, Spanish, or German, all of which languages they must +presumably require at times for the purposes of their business. Every +one knows that it is unthinkable. No Englishman could be bothered to +take the trouble. Why is it that English people have this extraordinary +reluctance to learn any foreign language? It is certainly not from want +of natural ability to do so, though this natural aptitude may be +discounted by the difficulty most English people experience in keeping +their minds concentrated. I venture to assert unhesitatingly that, with +the exception of Dutch and Russian people, English folk learn foreign +languages with greater ease than any other nationality. This is notably +true with regard to Russian and Spanish. The English throat is more +flexible than that of the Frenchman or German, and, with the one +exception of French, there are no unwonted sounds in any European +language that an Englishman cannot reproduce fairly accurately. We have +something like the hard Russian "l" in the last syllable of +"impossible," and to the Scottish or Irish throat the Dutch hard +initial guttural, and the Spanish soft guttural offer but little +difficulty. "Jorje," which looks like "George" spelt phonetically, but +is pronounced so very differently, can easily be mastered, and that +real teaser "gracht," the Dutch for "canal," with a strong guttural at +either end of it, comes easily out of a Scottish throat. The power to +acquire these tongues is there, but the inclination is woefully lacking. + +Some ten years ago I went out to Panama to have a look at the canal +works. On board the mail-steamer there were twelve commercial +travellers representing British firms, bound for the West Coast of +South America. Ten of these twelve were Germans, all speaking English +and Spanish fluently in addition to their native German. The other two +were English, not knowing one word of any language but their own. I had +a long talk with these two Englishmen, and asked them whether they were +familiar with the varying monetary standards of the countries they were +going to visit; for the nominal dollar represents a widely different +value in each South American State. No, they knew nothing whatever +about this, and were quite ignorant of Spanish-American weights and +measures. Now what possible object did the firms sending out these +ill-equipped representatives hope to attain? Could they in their +wildest moments have supposed that they would get one single order +through their agency? And how came it about that these young men were +so ignorant of the language and customs of the countries they were +proposing to travel? During the voyage I noticed the German travellers +constantly conversing with South Americans from the Pacific Coast, in +an endeavour to improve their working knowledge of Spanish; meanwhile +the young Englishmen played deck-quoits and talked English. That in +itself is quite sufficiently characteristic. In Manchester there is a +firm who do a large business in manufacturing brightly coloured +horse-trappings for the South American market. I speak with some +confidence about this, for I have myself watched those trappings being +made. Most of the "ponchos" used in the Argentine are woven in Glasgow. +Why is it that in these two great industrial centres no one seems to +have thought of establishing a special class in any of the numerous +schools and colleges for training youths as commercial travellers in +foreign countries? They would have, in addition to learning two or +three languages, to get used to making quick calculations in dollars +and cents, and in dollars of very varying values; they would also have +to learn to THINK quickly in weights and measures different to those to +which they had been accustomed. Why should British firms be compelled +to use German travellers, owing to the ineptitude of their own +countrymen? The power to learn is there; it is only the will that is +lacking, and in justice I must add, perhaps the necessary facilities. +People who do not mind taking trouble will always in the end get a pull +over people who hate all trouble. I think that our present King once +cried, "Buck up, England!" and his Majesty spoke true; very few things +can be done in this world without taking a little trouble. + +To return, after this long digression, to the portly German middle-aged +business men who met weekly in Brunswick to improve their working +knowledge of French and English, I must candidly say that I never +detected the faintest shadow of animosity to Great Britain in them. +They were not Prussians--they were Hanoverians and Brunswickers. They +felt proud, I think, that the throne of Britain was then occupied by a +branch of their own ancient House of Guelph; they remembered the +hundred years' connection between Britain and Hanover; as business men +they acknowledged Britain's then unquestioned industrial supremacy, and +they recognised that men of their class enjoyed in England a position +and a power which was not accorded to them in Germany. Certainly they +never lost an opportunity of pointing out that Britain was neither a +military nor a fighting nation, and would never venture again to +conduct a campaign on the Continent. Recent events will show how +correct they were in their forecasts. + +I liked the society of these shrewd, practical men, for from being so +much with the French judges, I had become accustomed to associating +with men double or treble my own age. There was nothing corresponding +to the gaiete francaise about them, though at times a ponderous +playfulness marked their lighter moments, and flashes of elephantine +jocularity enlivened the proceedings of the Club. I picked up some +useful items of knowledge from them, for I regret to admit that up to +that time I had no idea what a bill of lading was, or a ship's +manifest; after a while, even such cryptic expressions, too, as f.o.b. +and c.i.f. ceased to have any mysteries for me. Let the inexperienced +beware of "Swedish Punch," a sickly, highly-scented preparation of +arrack. I do not speak from personal experience, for I detest the +sweet, cloying stuff; but it occasionally fell to my lot to guide +down-stairs the uncertain footsteps of some ventripotent +Kommerzien-Rath, or even of Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways himself, +both temporarily incapacitated by injudicious indulgence in Swedish +Punch. "So, Herr Ober-Inspector, endlich sind wir glucklich herunter +gekommen. Jetz konnen Sie nach Hause immer aug gleichem Fusse gehen. +Naturlich! Jedermann weisst wie abscheulich kraftig Schwedischer Punsch +ist. Die Strasse ist ganz leer. Gluckliche Heimkehr, Herr +Ober-Inspector!" + +It was difficult to attend the Club without becoming a connoisseur in +various kinds of German beer. Brunswick boasts a special local sweet +black beer, brewed from malted wheat instead of barley, known as +"Mumme"--heavy, unpalatable stuff. If any one will take the trouble to +consult Whitaker's Almanac, and turn to "Customs Tariff of the United +Kingdom," they will find the very first article on the list is "Mum." +"Berlin white beer" follows this. One of the few occasions when I have +ever known Mr. Gladstone nonplussed for an answer, was in a debate on +the Budget (I think in 1886) on a proposed increase of excise duties. +Mr. Gladstone was asked what "Mum" was, and confessed that he had not +the smallest idea. The opportunity for instructing the omniscient Mr. +Gladstone seemed such a unique one, that I nearly jumped up in my place +to tell him that it was a sweet black beer brewed from wheat, and +peculiar to Brunswick; but being a very young Member of the House then, +I refrained, as it looked too much like self-advertisement; besides, +"Mum" was so obviously the word. "White beer" is only made in Berlin; +it is not unlike our ginger-beer, and is pleasant enough. The orthodox +way of ordering it in Berlin is to ask the waiter for "eine kuhle +Blonde." I do not suppose that one drop of either of these beverages +has been imported into the United Kingdom for a hundred years; equally +I imagine that the first two Georges loved them as recalling their +beloved Hanover, and indulged freely in them; whence their place in our +Customs tariff. + +One of the members of the English and French Club was a Mr. Vieweg, at +that time, I believe, the largest manufacturer of sulphate of quinine +in Europe. Mr. Vieweg was that rara avis amongst middle-class German +business-men, a born sportsman. He had already made two sporting trips +to Central Africa after big game, and rented a large shooting estate +near Brunswick. In common with the other members of the Club, he +treated me very kindly and hospitably, and I often had quaint repasts +at his house, beginning with sweet chocolate soup, and continuing with +eels stewed in beer, carp with horseradish, "sour-goose," and other +Teutonic delicacies. Mr. Vieweg's son was one of Hentze's pupils, and +was the thin, silent boy I have already noticed. I remember well how +young Vieweg introduced himself to me in laboured English, "Are you a +friend to fishing with the fly?" he asked. "I also fish most gladly, +and if you wish, we will together to the Harz Mountains go, and there +many trout catch." As the Harz Mountains are within an hour of +Brunswick by train, off we went, and young Vieweg was certainly a most +expert fisherman. My respect for him was increased enormously when I +found that he did not mind in the least how wet he got whilst fishing. +Most German boys of his age would have thought standing in cold water +up to their knees a certain forerunner of immediate death. + +Vieweg told me, with perfect justice, that he knew every path and every +track in the Northern Harz, and that he had climbed every single hill. +He complained that none of his German friends cared for climbing or +walking, and asked whether I would accompany him on one of his +expeditions. So a week later we went again to the Harz, and Vieweg led +me an interminable and very rough walk up-hill and down-dale. He +afterwards confessed that he was trying to tire me out, in which he +failed signally, for I have always been, and am still, able to walk +very long distances without fatigue. He had taken four of his +fellow-pupils from Hentze's over the same road, and they had all +collapsed, and had to be driven back to the railway in a hay-cart, in +the last stages of exhaustion. Finding that he could not walk me down, +Vieweg developed an odd sort of liking for me, just as I had admired +him for standing up to his knees in very cold water for a couple of +hours on end whilst fishing. So a queer sort of friendship sprang up +between me and this taciturn youth. The only subject which moved Vieweg +to eloquence was quinine, out of which his father had made his fortune. +I confess that at that time I knew no more about that admirable +prophylactic than the Queen of Sheba knew about dry-fly fishing, and +had not the faintest idea of how quinine was made. Vieweg, warming to +his subject, explained to me that the cinchona bark was treated with +lime and alcohol, and informed me that his father now obtained the bark +from Java instead of from South America as formerly. He did his utmost +to endeavour to kindle a little enthusiasm in me on the subject of this +valuable febrifuge. When not talking of quinine, he kept silence. This +singular youth was obsessed with a passionate devotion to the lucrative +drug. + +The Harz Mountains are pretty without being grand. The far-famed +Brocken is not 4000 ft. high, but rising as these hills do out of the +dead-flat North German plain, the Harz have been glorified and +magnified by a people accustomed to monotonous levels, and are the +setting for innumerable German legends. The Brocken is, of course, the +traditional scene of the "Witches Sabbath" on Walpurgis-Nacht, and many +of the rock-strewn valleys seem to have pleasant traditions of +bloodthirsty ogres and gnomes associated with them. There is no real +climbing in the Harz, easy tracks lead to all the local lions. As is +customary in methodical Germany, signposts direct the pedestrian to +every view and every waterfall, and I need hardly add that if one post +indicates the Aussichtspunkt, a corresponding one will show the way to +the restaurant without which no view in Germany would be complete. +Through rocky defiles and pine-woods, over swelling hills and past +waterfalls, Vieweg and I trudged once a week in sociable silence, +broken only by a few scraps of information from my companion as to the +prospects of that year's crop of cinchona bark, and the varying +wholesale price of that interesting commodity. At times, before a fine +view, Vieweg would make quite a long speech for him: "Du Fritz! Schon +was?" using, of course, the German diminutive to my Christian name, +after which he would gaze on the prospect and relapse into silence, and +dreamy meditations on sulphate of quinine and its possibilities. + +I think Vieweg enjoyed these excursions, for on returning to Brunswick +after about four hours' un-broken silence, he would always say on +parting, "Du Fritz! War nicht so ubel;" or, "Fritz, it wasn't so bad," +very high praise from so sparing a talker. + +Mr. Vieweg senior invited me to shoot with him on several occasions +during the winter months. The "Kettle-drive" (Kessel-Treib) is the +local manner of shooting hares. Guns and beaters form themselves into +an immense circle, a mile in diameter, over the treeless, hedgeless +flats, and all advance slowly towards the centre of the circle. At +first, it is perfectly safe to fire into the circle, but as it +diminishes in size, a horn is sounded, the guns face round, back to +back, and as the beaters advance alone, hares are only killed as they +run out of the ring. Hares are very plentiful in North Germany, and +"Kettle-drives" usually resulted in a bag of from thirty to forty of +them. To my surprise, in the patches of oak-scrub on the moor-lands, +there were usually some woodcock, a bird which I had hitherto +associated only with Ireland. Young Vieweg was an excellent shot; in +common with all his father's other guests, he was arrayed in high +boots, and in one of those grey-green suits faced with dark green, dear +to the heart of the German sportsman. The guns all looked like the +chorus in the Freischutz, and I expected them to break at any moment +into the "Huntsmen's Chorus." Young Vieweg was greatly pained at my +unorthodox costume, for I wore ordinary homespun knickerbockers, and +sported neither a green Tyrolese hat with a blackcock's tail in it, nor +high boots; my gun had no green sling attached to it, nor did I carry a +game-bag covered with green tassels, all of which, it appeared, were +absolutely essential concomitants to a Jagd-Partie. + +In these country districts round Brunswick nothing but Low German +("Platt-Deutsch") was talked. Low German is curiously like English at +times. The sentence, "the water is deep," is identical in both tongues. +"Mudder," "brudder," and "sister" have all a familiar ring about them, +too. The word "watershed," as applied to the ridge separating two river +systems, had always puzzled me. In High German it is "Wasser-scheide," +i.e. water-parting; in Low German it is "Water-shed," with the same +meaning, thus making our own term perfectly clear. "Low" German, of +course, only means the dialect spoken in the low-lying North German +plains: "High" German, the language spoken in the hilly country south +of the Harz Mountains. High German only became the literary language of +the country owing to Luther having deliberately chosen that dialect for +the translation of the Bible. The Nibelungen-Lied and the poems of the +twelfth and thirteenth centuries were all in Middle-High German +(Mittel-Hoch Deutsch). + +I remember being told as a boy, when standing on the terrace of Windsor +Castle, that in a straight line due east of us there was no such +corresponding an elevation until the Ural Mountains were reached, on +the boundary between Europe and Asia. This will give some idea of the +extreme flatness of Northern Europe, for the terrace at Windsor can +hardly be called a commanding eminence. + +I am sorry to say that for over forty years I have quite lost sight of +Vieweg. My connection with quinine, too, has been usually quite +involuntary. I have had two very serious bouts of malarial fever, one +in South America, the other in the West Indies, and on both occasions I +owed my life to quinine. Whilst taking this bitter, if beneficent drug, +I sometimes wondered whether it had been prepared under the auspices of +the friend of my youth. So ignorant am I of the quinine world, that I +do not know whether the firm of Buchler & Vieweg still exists. One +thing I do know: Vieweg must be now sixty-three years old, should he be +still alive, and I am convinced that he remains an upright and +honourable gentleman. I would also venture a surmise that business +competitors find it very hard to overreach him, and that he has escaped +the garrulous tendencies of old age. + +One of the curses of German towns is the prevalence of malicious and +venomous gossip. This is almost entirely due to that pestilent +institution the "Coffee Circle," or Kaffee Klatsch, that standing +feature of German provincial life. Amongst the bourgeoisie, the ladies +form associations, and meet once a week in turn at each others' houses. +They bring their work with them, and sit for two hours, eating sweet +cakes, drinking coffee, and tearing every reputation in the towns to +tatters. All males are jealously excluded from these gatherings. Mrs. +Spiegelberg was a pretty, fluffy little English woman, without one +ounce of malice in her composition. She had lived long enough in +Germany, though, to know that she would not be welcomed at her "Coffee +Circle" unless she brought her budget of pungent gossip with her, so +she collected it in the usual way. The instant the cook returned from +market, Mrs. Spiegelberg would rush into the kitchen with a breathless, +"Na, Minna, was gibt's neues?" or "Now, Minna, what is the news?" +Minna, the cook, knowing what was expected of her, proceeded to unfold +her items of carefully gathered gossip: Lieutenant von Trinksekt had +lost three hundred marks at cards, and had been unable to pay; it was +rumored that Fraulein Unsittlich's six weeks' retirement from the world +was not due to an attack of scarlet fever, as was alleged, but to a +more interesting cause, and so on, and so on. The same thing was +happening, simultaneously, in every kitchen in Brunswick, and at the +next "Coffee Circle" all these rumours would be put into circulation +and magnified, and the worst possible interpretation would be given +them. All German women love spying, as is testified by those little +external mirrors fixed outside almost every German window, by which the +mistress of the house can herself remain unseen, whilst noting every +one who passes down the street, or goes into the houses on either side. +I speak with some bitterness of the poisonous tongues of these women, +for I cannot forget how a harmless episode, when I happened to meet a +charming friend of mine, and volunteered to carry her parcels home, was +distorted and perverted. + +One of Hentze's pupils, a heavy, bovine youth, invited me to Hamburg to +his parents' silver wedding festivities. I was anxious to see Hamburg, +so I accepted. Moser's parents inhabited an opulent and unimaginably +hideous villa on the outskirts of Hamburg. They treated me most +hospitably and kindly, but never had I pictured such vast eatings and +drinkings as took place in their house. Moser's other relations were +equally hospitable, until I became stupid and comatose from excessive +nourishment. I could not discover the faintest trace of hostility to +England amongst these wealthy Hamburg merchants. They had nearly all +traditional business connections with England, and most of them had +commenced their commercial careers in London. They resented, on the +other hand, the manner in which they were looked down on by the +Prussian Junkers, who, on the ground of their having no "von" before +their names, tried to exclude them from every branch of the public +service. The whole of Germany had not yet become Prussianised. + +These Hamburg men were intensely proud of their city. They boasted, and +I believe with perfect reason, that the dock and harbour facilities of +Hamburg far exceeded anything to be found in the United Kingdom. I was +taken all over the docks, and treated indeed with such lavish +hospitality that every seam of my garments strained under the unwonted +pressure of these enormous repasts. Hamburg being a Free Port, +travellers leaving for any other part of Germany had to undergo a +regular Customs examination at the railway station, as though it were a +frontier post. Hamburg impressed me as a vastly prosperous, handsome, +well-kept town. The attractive feature of the place is the "Alster +Bassin," the clear, fresh-water lake running into the very heart of the +town. All the best houses and hotels were built on the stone quays of +the Alster facing the lake. Geneva, Stockholm, and Copenhagen are the +only other European towns I know of with clear lakes running into the +middle of the city. The Moser family's silver wedding festivities did +not err on the side of niggardliness. The guests all assembled in full +evening dress at three in the afternoon, when there was a conjuring and +magic-lantern performance for the children. This was followed by an +excellent concert, which in its turn was succeeded by a vast and +Gargantuan dinner. Then came an elaborate display of fireworks, after +which dancing continued till 4 a.m., only interrupted by a second +colossal meal, thus affording, as young Moser proudly pointed out, +thirteen hours' uninterrupted amusement. + +As I felt certain that I should promptly succumb to apoplexy, had I to +devour any more food, I left next day for Heligoland, then, of course, +still a British Colony, an island I had always had the greatest +curiosity to see. A longer stay in Hamburg might have broadened my +mind, but it would also unquestionably have broadened my waist-belt as +well. + +The steamer accomplished the journey from Hamburg in seven hours, the +last three over the angry waters of the open North Sea. To my surprise +the steamer, though island-owned, did not fly the British red ensign, +but the Heligoland flag of horizontal bars of white, green, and red. +There is a local quatrain explaining these colours, which may be +roughly Englished as-- + + "White is the strand, + But green the land, + Red the rocks stand + Round Heligoland." + +Heligoland is the quaintest little spot imaginable, shaped like an +isosceles triangle with the apex pointing northwards. The area of the +whole island is only three-fourths of a square mile; it is barely a +mile long, and at its widest only 500 yards broad. It is divided into +Underland and Overland; the former a patch of shore on the sheltered +side of the island, covered with the neatest little toy streets and +houses. In its neatness and smallness it is rather like a Japanese +town, and has its little theatre and its little Kurhaus complete. There +are actually a few trees in the Underland. Above it, the red ramparts +of rock rise like a wall to the Overland, only to be reached by an +endless flight of steps. On the green tableland of the Overland, the +houses nestle and huddle together for shelter on the leeward side of +the island, the prevailing winds being westerly. The whole population +let lodgings, simply appointed, but beautifully neat and clean, as one +would expect amongst a seafaring population. There are a few patches of +cabbages and potatoes trying to grow in spite of the gales, and all the +rest is green turf. There is not one tree on the wind-swept Overland. I +heard nothing but German and Frisian talked around me, and the only +signs of British occupation were the Union Jack flying in front of +Government House (surely the most modest edifice ever dignified with +that title), and a notice-board in front of the powder-magazine on the +northern point of the island. This notice-board was inscribed, "V.R. +Trespassers will be prosecuted," which at once gave a homelike feeling, +and made one realise that it was British soil on which one was standing. + +The island had only been ceded to us in 1814, and we handed it over to +Germany in 1890, so our tenure was too brief for us to have struck root +deeply into the soil. Heligoland was a splendid recruiting ground for +the Royal Navy, for the islanders were a hardy race of seafarers, and +made ideal material for bluejackets. There was not a horse or cow on +the island, ewes supplying all the milk. As sheep's milk has an +unappetising green tinge about it, it took a day or two to get used to +this unfamiliar-looking fluid. There being no fresh water on +Heligoland, the rain water from the roofs was all caught and stored in +tanks. On that rainswept rock I cannot conceive it likely that the +water supply would ever fail. Some-how the idea was prevalent in +England that Heligoland was undermined by rabbits. There was not one +single rabbit on the island, for even rabbits find it hard to burrow +into solid rock. + +Professor Gatke's books on the migrations of birds are well known. +Heligoland lies in the track of migrating birds, and Dr. Gatke had +established himself there for some years to observe them, and there was +a really wonderful ornithological museum close to the lighthouse. The +Heligoland lighthouse is a very powerful one, and every single one of +these stuffed birds had committed suicide against the thick glass of +the lantern. The lighthouse keepers told me that during the migratory +periods, they sometimes found as many as a hundred dead birds on the +external gallery of the light in the morning, all of whom had killed +themselves against the light. + +From 1830 to 1871 there were public gaming-tables in Heligoland, and +the Concessionaire paid such a high price for his permit that the +colonial finances were in the most flourishing condition. In 1871, +Downing Street stopped this, with disastrous effect on the island +budget. Fortunately, Germans took to coming over in vast numbers for +the excellent sea-bathing, and so money began to flow in again. The +place attracted them with its glorious sea air; it had all the +advantages of a ship, without the ship's motion. + +I paid a second visit to Heligoland three years later, when I was +Attache at our Berlin Embassy. Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse, the uncle of Mr. +Leo Maxse of the National Review, was Governor then. Sir Fitzhardinge +had done his utmost to anglicise the island, and the "Konigstrasse" and +"Oststrasse" had now become "King Street" and "East Street." He had +induced, too, some of the shop-keepers to write the signs over their +shops in English, at times with somewhat eccentric spelling; for one +individual proclaimed himself a "Familie Grozer." How astonished the +Governor and I would have been to know that in twenty years' time his +much-loved island would be transformed into one solid concreted German +fortress! Sir Fitzhardinge had a great love for the theatre. He was, I +believe, the only person who had ever tried to write plays in two +languages. His German plays had been very successful, and two one-act +plays he wrote in English had been produced on the London stage. He +always managed to engage a good German company to play in the little +Heligoland theatre during the summer months, and having married the +leading tragic actress of the Austrian stage, both he and Lady Maxse +occasionally appeared on the boards themselves, playing, of course, in +German. It looked curious seeing a bill of the "Theatre Royal on +Heligoland," announcing Shakespeare's tragedy of Macbeth, with "His +Excellency the Governor as Macbeth, and Lady Maxse as Lady Macbeth." + +There is a fine old Lutheran Church on Heligoland. It is the only +Protestant church in which I have ever seen ex votos. When the island +fishermen had weathered an unusually severe gale, it was their custom +to make a model of their craft, and to present it as a thank-offering +to the church. There were dozens of these models, all beautifully +finished, suspended from the roof of the church by wires, and the +fronts of the galleries were all hung with fishing nets. The singing in +that church was remarkably good. + +It was a pleasant, unsophisticated little island; a place of fresh +breezes, and red cliffs with great sweeping surges breaking against +them; a place of sunshine, and huge expanses of pale dappled sky. + +Lady Maxse told me that it was impossible for any one to picture the +unutterable dreariness of Heligoland in winter; when little Government +House rocked ceaselessly under the fierce gales, and the whole island +was drenched in clouds of spindrift; the rain pounding on the +window-panes like small-shot, and the howling of the wind drowning all +other sounds. She said that they were frequently cut off from the +mainland for three weeks on end, without either letters, newspapers, or +fresh meat, as the steamers were unable to make the passage. There was +nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to speak to. It must have been +a considerable change for any one accustomed to the life of careless, +easy-going, glittering Vienna in the old days. Even Sir Fitzhardinge +confessed that during the winter gales he had frequently to make his +way on all fours from the stairs from the Underland to Government +House, to avoid being blown over the cliffs. Lady Maxse hung an extra +pair of pink muslin curtains over every window in Government House, to +shut out the sight of the wintry sea, but the angry, grey and white +rollers of the restless North Sea asserted themselves even through the +pink muslin. + +I am glad that I saw this wind-swept little rock whilst it was still a +scrap of British territory. When my time came for leaving Brunswick, I +was genuinely sorry to go. I confess that I liked Germany and the +Germans; I had been extremely well treated, and had got used to German +ways. + +The teaching profession were only then sowing broadcast the seed which +was to come to maturity thirty years later. They were moulding the +minds of the rising generation to the ideals which find their most +candid exponent in Nietzsche. The seed was sown, but had not yet +germinated; the greater portion of Germany in 1875 was still +un-Prussianised, but effect followed cause, and we all know the rest. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +Some London beauties of the "seventies"--Great ladies--The Victorian +girl--Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre--Two witty ladies--Two clever +girls and mock-Shakespeare--The family who talked Johnsonian +English--Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation--Practical jokes--Lord +Charles Beresford and the old Club-member--The shoe-less +legislator--Travellers' palms--The tree that spouted wine--Celyon's +spicy breezes--Some reflections--Decline of public interest in +Parliament--Parliamentary giants--Gladstone, John Bright, and +Chamberlain--Gladstone's last speech--His resignation--W.H. Smith--The +Assistant Whips--Sir William Hart-Dyke--Weary hours at Westminster--A +Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay. + + +The London of 1876 boasted an extraordinary constellation of lovely +women. First and foremost came the two peerless Moncreiffe sisters, +Georgiana Lady Dudley, and Helen Lady Forbes. Lady Dudley was then a +radiant apparition, and her sister, the most perfect example of +classical beauty I have ever seen, had features as clean-cut as those +of a cameo. Lady Forbes always wore her hair simply parted in the +middle, a thing that not one woman in a thousand can afford to do, and +glorious auburn hair it was, with a natural ripple in it. I have seldom +seen a head so perfectly placed on the shoulders as that of Lady +Forbes. The Dowager Lady Ormonde and the late Lady Ripon were then +still unmarried; the first, Lady Leila Grosvenor, with the face of a +Raphael Madonna, the other, Lady Gladys Herbert, a splendid, slender, +Juno-like young goddess. The rather cruelly named "professional +beauties" had just come into prominence, the three great rivals being +Mrs. Langtry, then fresh from Jersey, Mrs. Cornwallis West, and Mrs. +Wheeler. Unlike most people, I should myself have given the prize to +the second of these ladies. I do not think that any one now could +occupy the commanding position in London which Constance Duchess of +Westminster and the Duchess of Manchester (afterwards Duchess of +Devonshire) then held. In fact, with skirts to the knee, and an +unending expanse of stocking below them, it would be difficult to +assume the dignity with which these great ladies, in their flowing +Victorian draperies, swept into a room. The stately Dutchess of +Westminster, in spite of her massive outline, had still a fine +classical head, and the Duchess of Manchester was one of the handsomest +women in Europe. London society was so much smaller then, that it was a +sort of enlarged family party, and I, having six married sisters, found +myself with unnumbered hosts of relations and connections. I retain +delightful recollections of the mid-Victorian girl. These maidens, in +their airy clouds of white, pink, or green tulle, and their untouched +faces, had a deliciously fresh, flower-like look which is wholly +lacking in their sisters of to-day. A young girl's charm is her +freshness, and if she persists in coating her face with powder and +rouge that freshness vanishes, and one sees merely rows of vapid little +doll-like faces, all absolutely alike, and all equally artificial and +devoid of expression. These present skimpy draperies cause one to +reflect that Nature has not lavished broadcast the gift of good feet +and neat ankles; possibly some girls might lengthen their skirts if +they realised this truth. + +In the "seventies" there was a wonderful galaxy of talent at the old +Gaiety Theatre, Nellie Farren, Kate Vaughan, Edward Terry, and Royce +forming a matchless quartette. Young men, of course, will always be +foolish, up to the end of time. Nellie Farren, Kate Vaughan and Emily +Duncan all had their "colours." Nellie Farren's were dark blue, light +blue, and white; Kate Vaughan's were pink and grey; Emily Duncan's +black and white; the leading hosiers "stocked" silk scarves of these +colours, and we foolish young men bought the colours of the lady we +especially admired, and sat in the stalls of the Gaiety flaunting the +scarves of our favourite round our necks. As I then thought, and still +think, that Nellie Farren was one of the daintiest and most graceful +little creatures ever seen on the stage, with a gaminerie all her own, +I, in common with many other youths, sat in the stalls of the Gaiety +wrapped in a blue-and-white scarf. Each lady showered smiles over the +footlights at her avowed admirers, whilst contemptuously ignoring those +who sported her rival's colours. One silly youth, to testify to his +admiration for Emily Duncan, actually had white kid gloves with black +fingers, specially manufactured for him. He was, we hope, repaid for +his outlay by extra smiles from his enchantress. + +Traces of the witty early nineteenth century still lingered into the +"seventies," "eighties," and "nineties." Lady Constance Leslie, who is +still living, and the late Lady Cork were almost the last descendants +of the brilliant wits of Sydney Smith and Theodore Hook's days. The +hurry of modern life, and the tendency of the age to scratch the +surface of things only, are not favourable to the development of this +type of keen intellect, which was based on a thorough knowledge of the +English classics, and on such a high level of culture as modern +trouble-hating women could but seldom hope to attain. Time and time +again I have asked Lady Cork for the origin of some quotation. She +invariably gave it me at once, usually quoting some lines of the +context at the same time. When I complimented her on her wonderful +knowledge of English literature of the seventeenth and eighteenth +centuries, she answered, "In my young days we studied the 'Belles +Lettres'; modern women only study 'Belle's Letters,'" an allusion to a +weekly summary of social events then appearing in the World under that +title, a chronicle voraciously devoured by thousands of women. When the +early prejudice against railways was alluded to by some one who +recalled the storms of protest that the conveyance of the Duke of +Sussex's body by train to Windsor for burial provoked, as being +derogatory to the dignity of a Royal Duke, it was Lady Cork who rapped +out, "I presume in those days, a novel apposition of the quick and the +dead." A certain peer was remarkable alike for his extreme parsimony +and his unusual plainness of face. His wife shared these +characteristics, both facial and temperamental, to the full, and yet +this childless, unprepossessing and eminently economical couple were +absolutely wrapped up in one another; after his death she only lingered +on for three months. Some one commenting on this, said, "They were +certainly the stingiest and probably the ugliest couple in England, yet +their devotion to each other was very beautiful. They could neither of +them bear to part with anything, not even with each other. After his +death she was like a watch that had lost its mainspring." "Surely," +flashed Lady Constance Leslie, "more like a vessel which had lost her +auxiliary screw." The main characteristic of both Lady Cork and Lady +Constance Leslie's humour was its lightning speed. It is superfluous to +add, with these quick-witted ladies it was never necessary to EXPLAIN +anything, as it is to the majority of English people; they understood +before you had finished saying it. + +Many years after, in the late "eighties," Lady Constance Leslie's two +elder daughters, now Mrs. Crawshay and Lady Hope, developed a singular +gift. They could improvise blank verse indefinitely, and with their +father, Sir John Leslie, they acted little mock Shakespearean dramas in +their ordinary clothes, and without any scenery or accessories. Every +word was impromptu, and yet the even flow of blank verse never ceased. +I always thought it a singularly clever performance, for Mrs. Crawshay +can only have been nineteen then, and her sister eighteen. Mrs. +Crawshay invariably played the heroine, Lady Hope the confidante, and +Sir John Leslie any male part requisite. No matter what the subject +given them might be, they would start in blank verse at once. Let us +suppose so unpromising a subject as the collection of railway tickets +outside a London terminus had been selected. Lady Hope, with pleading +eyes, and all the conventional gestures of sympathy of a stage +confidante, would at once start apostrophising her sister in some such +fashion as this:-- + +"Fair Semolina, dry those radiant orbs; Thy swain doth beg thee but a +token small Of that great love which thou dost bear to him. Prithee, +sweet mistress, take now heart of grace, At times we all credentials +have to show, Eftsoons at Willesden halts the panting train, Each +traveller knows inexorable fate Hath trapped him in her toils; loud +rings the tread Of brass-bound despot as he wends his way From door to +door, claiming with gesture rude His pound of flesh, or eke the +pasteboard slip, Punched with much care, all travel-worn and stained, +For which perchance ten ducats have been paid, Granting full access +from some distant spot. Then trembles he, who reckless loves to sip The +joys of travel free of all expense; Knowing the fate that will pursue +him, when To stern collector he hath naught to show." + +To which her sister, Mrs. Crawshay, would reply, without one instant's +hesitation, somewhat after this style:-- + + "Sweet Tapioca, firm and faithful friend, + Thy words have kindled in my guilty breast + Pangs of remorse; to thee I will confess. + Craving a journey to the salt sea waves + Before this moon had waxed her full, I stood + Crouching, and feigning infant's stature small + Before the wicket, whence the precious slips + Are issued, and declared my years but ten. + Thus did I falsely pretext tender age, + And claimed but half the wonted price, and now + Bitter remorse my stricken conscience sears, + And hot tears flow at my duplicity." + +The lines would probably have been more neatly worded than this, but +the flow of improvised blank verse from both sisters was inexhaustible. +The somewhat unusual names of Semolina and Tapioca had been adopted for +the heroine and confidante on account of their rhythmical advantages, +and a certain pleasant Shakespearean ring about them. + +I know another family who from long practice have acquired the habit of +addressing each other in flowing periods of Johnsonian English. They +never hesitate for an epithet, and manage to round off all their +sentences in Dr. Johnson's best manner. I was following the hounds on +foot one day, with the eldest daughter of this family, when, as we +struggled through a particularly sticky and heavy ploughed field, she +panted out, "Pray let us hasten to the summit of yonder commanding +eminence, whence we can with greater comfort to ourselves witness the +further progress of the chase," and all this without the tiniest +hesitation; a most enviable gift! A son of this family was once riding +in the same steeplechase as a nephew of mine. The youth had lost his +cap, and turning round in his saddle, he shouted to my nephew in the +middle of the race, between two fences, "You will perceive that I have +already sacrificed my cap, and laid it as a votive offering on the +altar of Diana." One would hardly have anticipated that a youthful +cavalry subaltern, in the middle of a steeplechase, would have been +able to lay his hands on such choice flowers of speech. Unfortunately, +owing to the time lost by these well-turned periods, both the speaker +and my nephew merely figured as "also ran." + +In the "seventies" some of the curious tricks of pronunciation of the +eighteenth century still survived. My aunts, who had been born with, or +before the nineteenth century, invariably pronounced "yellow" as +"yaller." "Lilac" and "cucumber" became "laylock" and "cowcumber," and +a gold bracelet was referred to as a "goold brasslet." They always +spoke of "Proosia" and "Roosia," drank tea out of a "chaney" cup, and +the eldest of them was still "much obleeged" for any little service +rendered to her, played at "cyards," and took a stroll in the +"gyarden." My grandfather, who was born in 1766, insisted to the end of +his life on terming the capital of these islands "Lunnon," in +eighteenth-century fashion. + +Possibly people were more cultured in those days, or, at all events, +more in the habit of using their brains. Imbecility, whether real or +simulated, had not come into fashion. My mother told me that in her +young days a very favourite amusement in country houses was to write +imitations or parodies of some well-known poet, and every one took part +in this. Nowadays no one would have read the originals, much less be +able to imitate them. My mother had a commonplace book into which she +had copied the cleverest of these skits, and Landseer illustrated it +charmingly in pen-and-ink for her. + +Any one reading the novels of the commencement of the nineteenth +century must have noticed how wonderfully popular practical jokes, +often of the crudest nature, then were. A brutal practical joke always +seems to me to indicate a very rudimentary and undeveloped sense of +humour in its perpetrator. Some people with paleolithic intellects seem +to think it exquisitely humorous to see a man fall down and hurt +himself. A practical joke which hurts no one is another matter. All +those privileged to enjoy the friendship of the late Admiral Lord +Charles Beresford will always treasure the memory of that genial and +delightful personality. About thirty years ago an elderly gentleman +named Bankes-Stanhope seemed to imagine that he had some proprietary +rights in the Carlton Club. Mr. Bankes-Stanhope had his own chair, +lamp, and table there, and was exceedingly zealous in reminding members +of the various rules of the club. Smoking was strictly forbidden in the +hall of the Carlton at that time. I was standing in the hall one night +when Lord Charles came out of the writing-room, a big bundle of newly +written letters in his hand, and a large cigar in his mouth. He had +just received a shilling's-worth of stamps from the waiter, when old +Mr. Bankes-Stanhope, who habitually puffed and blew like Mr. +Jogglebury-Crowdey of "Sponge's Sporting Tour," noticed the forbidden +cigar through a glass door, and came puffing and blowing into the hall +in hot indignation. He reproved Lord Charles Beresford for his breach +of the club rules in, as I thought, quite unnecessarily severe tones. +The genial Admiral kept his temper, but detached one penny stamp from +his roll, licked it, and placed it on his forefinger. "My dear Mr. +Stanhope," he began, "it was a little oversight of mine. I was writing +in there, do you see?" (a friendly little tap on Mr. Bankes-Stanhope's +shirt-front, and on went a penny stamp), "and I moved in here, you see" +(another friendly tap, and on went a second stamp), "and forgot about +my cigar, you see" (a third tap, and a third stamp left adhering). The +breezy Admiral kept up this conversation, punctuated with little taps, +each one of which left its crimson trace on the old gentleman's white +shirt-front, until the whole shilling's-worth was placed in position. +Mr. Bankes-Stanhope was too irate to notice these little manoeuvres; he +maintained his hectoring tone, and never glanced down at his +shirt-front. Finally Lord Charles left, and the old gentleman, still +puffing and blowing with wrath, struggled into his overcoat, and went +off to an official party at Sir Michael Hicks-Beach's, where his +appearance with twelve red penny stamps adhering to his shirt-front +must have created some little astonishment. + +In the '86 Parliament there was a certain Member, sitting on the +Conservative side, who had the objectionable habit of removing his +boots (spring-sided ones, too!) in the House, and of sitting in a pair +of very dubious-coloured grey woollen socks, apparently much in want of +the laundress's attentions. Many Members strongly objected to this +practice, but the delinquent persisted in it, in spite of protests. One +night a brother of mine, knowing that there would shortly be a +Division, succeeded in purloining the offending boots by covering them +with his "Order paper," and got them safely out of the House. He hid +them behind some books in the Division Lobby, and soon after the +Division was called. The House emptied, but the discalced legislator +retained his seat. "A Division having been called, the honourable +Member will now withdraw," ordered Mr. Speaker Peel, most awe-inspiring +of men. "Mr. Speaker, I have lost my boots," protested the shoeless +one. "The honourable Member will at once withdraw," ordered the Speaker +for the second time, in his sternest tones; so down the floor of the +House came the unfortunate man--hop, hop, hop, like the "little hare" +in Shock-headed Peter. The iron ventilating gratings were apparently +uncomfortable to shoeless feet, so he went hopping and limping through +the Division Lobby, affording ample glimpses of his deplorably +discoloured woollen footwear. Later in the evening an attendant handed +him a paper parcel containing his boots, the attendant having, of +course, no idea where the parcel had come from. This incident +effectually cured the offender of his unpleasant habit. The accusation +of neglecting his laundress may have been an unfounded one. In my early +youth I was given a book to read about a tiresome little girl named +Ellen Montgomery, who apparently divided her time between reading her +pocket-Bible and indulging in paroxysms of tears. The only incident in +the book I remember is that this lachrymose child had an aunt, a Miss +Fortune, who objected on principle to clean stockings. She accordingly +dyed all Ellen's stockings dirt-colour, to save the washing. It would +be charitable to assume that this particular Member of Parliament had +an aunt with the same economical instincts. + +I must plead guilty to two episodes where my sole desire was to avoid +disappointment to others, and to prevent the reality falling short of +the expectation. One was in India. Barrackpore, the Viceroy of India's +official country house, is justly celebrated for its beautiful gardens. +In these gardens every description of tropical tree, shrub and flower +grows luxuriantly. In a far-off corner there is a splendid group of +fan-bananas, otherwise known as the "Traveller's Palm." Owing to the +habit of growth of this tree, every drop of rain or dew that falls on +its broad, fan-shaped crown of leaves is caught, and runs down the +grooved stalks of the plant into receptacles that cunning Nature has +fashioned just where the stalk meets the trunk. Even in the driest +weather, these little natural tanks will, if gashed with a knife, yield +nearly a tumblerful of pure sweet water, whence the popular name for +the tree. A certain dull M.P., on his travels, had come down to +Barrackpore for Sunday, and inquired eagerly whether there were any +Travellers' Trees either in the park or the gardens there, as he had +heard of them, but had never yet seen one. We assured him that in the +cool of the evening we would show him quite a thicket of Travellers' +Trees. It occurred to the Viceroy's son and myself that it would be a +pity should the globe-trotting M.P.'s expectations not be realised, +after the long spell of drought we had had. So the two of us went off +and carefully filled up the natural reservoirs of some six fan-bananas +with fresh spring-water till they were brimful. Suddenly we had a +simultaneous inspiration, and returning to the house we fetched two +bottles of light claret, which we poured carefully into the natural +cisterns of two more trees, which we marked. Late in the afternoon we +conducted the M.P. to the grove of Travellers' Trees, handed him a +glass, and made him gash the stem of one of them with his pen knife. +Thanks to our preparation, it gushed water like one of the Trafalgar +Square fountains, and the touring legislator was able to satisfy +himself that it was good drinking-water. He had previously been making +some inquiries about so-called "Palm-wine," which is merely the +fermented juice of the toddy-palm. We told him that some Travellers' +Palms produced this wine, and with a slight exercise of ingenuity we +induced him to tap one of the trees we had doctored with claret. +Naturally, a crimson liquid spouted into his glass in response to the +thrust of his pen-knife, and after tasting it two or three times, he +reluctantly admitted that its flavour was not unlike that of red wine. +It ought to have been, considering that we had poured an entire bottle +of good sound claret into that tree. The ex-M.P. possibly reflects now +on the difficulties with which any attempts to introduce "Pussyfoot" +legislation into India would be confronted in a land where some trees +produce red wine spontaneously. + +On another occasion I was going by sea from Calcutta to Ceylon. On +board the steamer there were a number of Americans, principally ladies, +connected, I think, with some missionary undertaking. When we got +within about a hundred miles of Ceylon, these American ladies all began +repeating to each other the verse of the well-known hymn: + + "What though the spicy breezes + Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle," + +over and over again, until I loathed Bishop Heber for having written +the lines. They even asked the captain how far out to sea the spicy +breezes would be perceptible. I suddenly got an idea, and, going below, +I obtained from the steward half a dozen nutmegs and a handful of +cinnamon. I grated the nutmegs and pounded the cinnamon up, and then, +with one hand full of each, I went on deck, and walked slowly up and +down in front of the American tourists. Soon I heard an ecstatic cry, +"My dear, I distinctly smelt spice then!" Another turn, and another +jubilant exclamation: "It's quite true about the spicy breezes. I got a +delicious whiff just then. Who would have thought that they would have +carried so far out to sea?" A sceptical elderly gentleman was summoned +from below, and he, after a while, was reluctantly forced to avow that +he, too, had noticed the spicy fragrance. No wonder! when I had about a +quarter of a pound of grated nutmeg in one hand, and as much pounded +cinnamon in the other. Now these people will go on declaring to the end +of their lives that they smelt the spicy odours of Ceylon a full +hundred miles out at sea, just as the travelling M.P. will assert that +a tree in India produces a very good imitation of red wine. It is a +nice point determining how far one is morally responsible oneself for +the unconscious falsehoods into which these people have been betrayed. +I should like to have had the advice of Mrs. Fairchild, of the +Fairchild Family upon this delicate question. I feel convinced that +that estimable lady, with her inexhaustible repertory of supplications, +would instantly have recited by heart "a prayer against the temptation +to lead others into uttering untruths unconsciously," which would have +met the situation adequately, for not once in the book, when appealed +to, did she fail to produce a lengthy and elaborately worded petition, +adapted to the most unexpected emergencies, and I feel confident that +her moral armoury would have included a prayer against tendencies to +"leg-pulling." + +To return to the London of the "seventies" and "eighties" after this +brief journey to the East, nothing is more noticeable than the way +public interest in Parliamentary proceedings has vanished. When I was a +boy, all five of the great London dailies, The Times, Morning Post, +Standard, Daily Telegraph, and Daily News, published the fullest +reports of Parliamentary news, and the big provincial dailies followed +their example. Every one then seemed to follow the proceedings of +Parliament with the utmost interest; even at Harrow the elder boys read +the Parliamentary news and discussed it, and I have heard keen-witted +Lancashire artisans eagerly debating the previous night's Parliamentary +encounters. Now the most popular newspapers give the scantiest and +baldest summaries of proceedings in the House of Commons. It is an +editor's business to know the tastes of his readers; if Parliamentary +reports are reduced to a minimum, it must be because they no longer +interest the public. This, again, is quite intelligible. When I first +entered Parliament in 1885 (to which Parliament, by the way, all four +Hamilton brothers had been elected), there were commanding +personalities and great orators in the House: Mr. Gladstone, John +Bright, Joseph Chamberlain, Lord Hartington, Henry James and Randolph +Churchill. When any of these rose to speak, the House filled at once, +they were listened to with eager attention, and every word they uttered +would be read by hundreds of thousands of people next day. Nowadays +proceedings in Parliament seem to be limited to a very occasional solo +from the one star-performer, the rest of the time being occupied by +uninteresting interludes by his understudies, all of which may serve to +explain the decline in public interest. At the time of the Peace of +Paris in 1856, on the termination of the Crimean War, there were in the +House of Commons such outstanding figures as Gladstone, Disraeli, Lord +John Russell, John Bright, and Palmerston; the statesman had not yet +dwindled into the lawyer-politician. + +I only heard Mr. Gladstone speak in his old age, when his voice had +acquired a slight roughness which detracted, I thought, from his +wonderful gift of oratory. Mr. Gladstone, too, had certain +peculiarities of pronunciation; he always spoke of "constitootional" +and of "noos." John Bright was a most impressive speaker; he obtained +his effects by the simplest means, for he seldom used long words; +indeed he was supposed to limit himself to words of Saxon origin, with +all their condensed vigour. Is not Newman's hymn, "Lead, Kindly Light," +considered to be a model of English, as it is composed almost entirely +of monosyllables, and, with six exceptions, of words of Saxon origin? +John Bright's speaking had the same quality as Cardinal Newman's hymn. +In spite of his eloquence, John Bright's prophecies were invariably +falsified by subsequent events. I have never heard any one speak with +such facility as Joseph Chamberlain. His utterance was so singularly +clear that, though he habitually spoke in a very low voice, every +syllable penetrated to all parts of the House. When Chamberlain was +really in a dangerous mood, his voice became ominously bland, and his +manner quieter than ever. Then was the time for his enemies to tremble. +I heard him once roll out and demolish a poor facile-tongued +professional spouter so completely and remorsely that the unfortunate +man never dared to open his mouth in the House of Commons again. I +think that any old Member of Parliament will agree with me when I place +David Plunkett, afterwards Lorth Rathmore, who represented for many +years Trinity College, Dublin, in the very front rank as an orator. +Plunkett was an indolent man, and spoke very rarely indeed. When really +roused, and on a subject which he had genuinely at heart, he could rise +to heights of splendid eloquence. Plunkett had a slight impediment in +his speech; when wound up, this impediment, so far from detracting +from, added to the effect he produced. I heard Mr. Gladstone's last +speech in Parliament, on March 1, 1894. It was frankly a great +disappointment. I sat then on the Opposition side, but we Unionists had +all assembled to cheer the old man who was to make his farewell speech +to the Assembly in which he had sat for sixty years, and of which he +had been so dominating and so unique a personality, although we were +bitterly opposed to him politically. The tone of his speech made this +difficult for us. Instead of being a dignified farewell to the House, +as we had anticipated, it was querulous and personal, with a peevish +and minatory note in it that made anything but perfunctory applause +from the Opposition side very hard to produce. Two days afterwards, on +March 3, 1894, Mr. Gladstone resigned. In the light of recent +revelations, we know now that his failing eyesight was but a pretext. +Lord Spencer, then First Lord of the Admiralty, had framed his Naval +Estimates, and declared that the shipbuilding programme outlined in +those Estimates was absolutely necessary for the national safety. Mr. +Gladstone, supported by some of his colleagues, refused to sanction +these Estimates. Some long-headed Members of the Cabinet saw clearly +that if Lord Spencer insisted on his Estimates, in the then temper of +the country, the Liberal party would go to certain defeat. Accordingly, +Mr. Gladstone was induced to resign, as the easiest way out of the +difficulty. I do not gather, though, that those of his colleagues who, +with him, disapproved of the Naval Estimates, thought it their duty to +follow their chief into retirement. + +I am amused on seeing on contents bills of news-papers, as a rare item +of news, "All-night sitting of Commons." + +In the 1886 Parliament practically every night was an all-night +sitting. Under the old rules of Procedure, as the Session advanced, we +were kept up night after night till 5 a.m. Some Members, notably the +late Henry Labouchere, took a sort of impish delight in keeping the +House sitting late. Many Front-Bench men had their lives shortened by +the strain these late hours imposed on them, notably Edward Stanhope +and Mr. W. H. Smith. Mr. W. H. Smith occupied a very extraordinary +position. This plain-faced man, who could hardly string two words +together, was regarded by all his friends with deep respect, almost +with affection. My brother George has told me that, were there any +disputes in the Cabinet of which he was a member, the invariable advice +of the older men was to "go and take Smith's advice about it." Men +carried their private, domestic, and even financial troubles to this +wise counsellor, confident that the advice given would be sound. Mr. +Smith had none of the more ornamental qualities, but his fund of common +sense was inexhaustible, he never spared himself in his friends' +service, and his high sense of honour and strength of character earned +him the genuine regard of all those who really knew him. He was a very +fine specimen of the unassuming, honourable, high-minded English +gentleman. + +In the 1886 Parliament, Mr. Akers-Douglas, now Lord Chilston, was Chief +Conservative Whip and he was singularly fortunate in his Assistant +Whips. Sir William Walrond, now Lord Waleran, Sir Herbert Maxwell, and +the late Sidney Herbert, afterwards fourteenth Earl of Pembroke, formed +a wonderful trio, for Nature had bestowed on each of them a singularly +engaging personality. The strain put on Members of the Opposition was +very severe; our constant attendance was demanded, and we spent +practically our whole lives in the precincts of the House. However much +we longed for a little relaxation and a little change, it was really +impossible to resist the blandishments of the Assistant Whips. They +made it a sort of personal appeal, and a test of personal friendship to +themselves, so grudgingly the contemplated visit to the theatre was +abandoned, and we resigned ourselves to six more hours inside the +over-familiar building. + +Sir William Hart-Dyke had been Chief Conservative Whip in the 1868-1873 +Parliament. He married in May 1870, in the middle of the session at a +very critical political period. He most unselfishly consented to forego +his honeymoon, or to postpone it, and there were rumours that on the +very evening of his wedding-day, his sense of duty had been so strong +that he had appeared in the House of Commons to "tell" in an important +Division. When Disraeli was asked if this were true, he shook his head, +and said, "I hardly think so. Hart-Dyke was married that day. Hart-Dyke +is a gentleman; he would never kiss AND 'tell.'" As a pendant to this, +there was another Sir William, a baronet whose name I will suppress. +With execrable taste, he was fond of boasting by name of his amatory +successes. He was always known as "William Tell." + +In 1886 the long hours in the House of Commons hung very heavily on our +hands, once the always voluminous daily correspondence of an M.P. had +been disposed of. My youngest brother and I, both then well under +thirty, used to hire tricycles from the dining-room attendants, and +have races up and down the long river terrace, much to the interest of +passers-by on Westminster Bridge. We projected, to pass the time, a +"Soulful Song-Cycle," which was frankly to be an attempt at pulling the +public's leg. Our Song-Cycle never matured, though I did write the +first one of the series, an imaginative effort entitled "In Listless +Frenzy." It was, and was intended to be, utter nonsense, devoid alike +of grammar and meaning. I quoted my "Listless Frenzy" one night to an +"intense" and gushing lady, as an example of the pitiable rubbish +decadent minor poets were then turning out. It began-- + + "Crimson wreaths of passionless flowers + Down in the golden glen; + Silvery sheen of autumnal showers; + When, my beloved one, when?" + +She assured me that the fault lay in myself, not in the lines; that I +was of too material a temperament to appreciate the subtle beauty of +so-and-so's work. I forget to whom I had attributed the verses, but I +felt quite depressed at reflecting that I was too material to +understand the lines I had myself written. + +My brother was a great admirer of the Ingoldsby Legends, and could +himself handle Richard Barham's fascinating metre very effectively. He +was meditating "A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay," dealing with leading +personalities in the then House of Commons. The idea came to nothing, +as an "Ingoldsby Legend" must, from its very essence, be cast in a +narrative form, and the subject did not lend itself to narrative. +Although it has nothing to do with the subject in hand, I must quote +some lines from "The Raid of Carlisle," another "Pseudo-Ingoldsbean +Lay" of my brother's, to show how easily he could use Barham's metre, +with its ear-tickling double rhyme, and how thoroughly he had +assimilated the spirit of the Ingoldsby Legends. The extracts are from +an account of an incident which occurred in 1596 when Lord Scroop was +Warden of the Western or English Marches on behalf of Elizabeth, while +Buccleuch, on the Scottish side, was Warden of the Middle Marches on +behalf of James VI. + + "Now, I'd better explain, while I'm still in the vein, + That towards the close of Elizabeth's reign, + Though the 'thistle and rose' were no longer at blows, + They'd a way of disturbing each other's repose. + A mode of proceeding most clearly exceeding + The rules of decorum, and palpably needing + Some clear understanding between the two nations, + By which to adjust their unhappy relations. + With this object in view, it occurred to Buccleuch + That a great deal of mutual good would accrue + If they settled that he and Lord Scroop's nominee + Should meet once a year, and between them agree + To arbitrate all controversial cases + And grant an award on an equable basis. + A brilliant idea that promised to be a + Corrective, if not a complete panacea-- + For it really appears that for several years, + These fines of 'poll'd Angus' and Galloway steers + Did greatly conduce, during seasons of truce, + To abating traditional forms of abuse, + And to giving the roues of Border society + Some little sense of domestic propriety. + + So finding himself, so to speak, up a tree, + And unable to think of a neat repartee, + He wisely concluded (as Brian Boru did, + On seeing his 'illigant counthry' denuded + Of cattle and grain that were swept from the plain + By the barbarous hand of the pillaging Dane) + To bandy no words with a dominant foe, + But to wait for a chance of returning the blow, + And then let him have it in more suo." + +These extracts make me regret that the leading personalities in the +Parliament of 1886 were not commemorated in the same pleasant, jingling +metre. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +The Foreign Office--The new Private Secretary--A Cabinet +key--Concerning theatricals--Some surnames which have passed into +everyday use--Theatricals at Petrograd--A mock-opera--The family from +Runcorn--An embarrassing predicament--Administering the oath--Secret +Service--Popular errors--Legitimate employment of information--The +Phoenix Park murders--I sanction an arrest--The innocent victim--The +execution of the murderers of Alexander II.--The jarring military +band--Black Magic--Sir Charles Wyke--Some of his experiences--The +seance at the Pantheon--Sir Charles' experiment on myself--The +Alchemists--The Elixir of Life, and the Philosopher's Stone--Lucid +directions for their manufacture--Glamis Castle and its +inhabitants--The tuneful Lyon family--Mr. Gladstone at Glamis--He sings +in the glees--The castle and its treasures--Recollections of Glamis. + + +Having successfully defeated the Civil Service Examiners, I entered the +Foreign Office in 1876, for the six or eight months' training which all +Attaches had to undergo before being sent abroad. The typewriter had +not then been invented, so everything was copied by hand--a wearisome +and deadening occupation where very lengthy documents were concerned. + +The older men in the Foreign Office were great sticklers for observing +all the traditional forms. Lord Granville, in obedience to political +pressure, had appointed the son of a leading politician as one of his +unpaid private secretaries. The youth had been previously in his +father's office in Leeds. On the day on which he started work in the +Foreign Office he was given a bundle of letters to acknowledge. "You +know, of course, the ordinary form of acknowledgment," said his chief. +"Just acknowledge all these, and say that the matter will be attended +to." When the young man from Leeds brought the letters he had written, +for signature that evening, it was currently reported that they were +all worded in the same way: "Dear Sirs:--Your esteemed favour of +yesterday's date duly to hand, and contents noted. Our Lord Granville +has your matter in hand." The horror-stricken official gasped at such a +departure from established routine. + +As was the custom then, after one month in the Foreign Office, my +immediate chief gave me a little lecture on the traditional high +standard of honour of the Foreign Office, which he was sure I would +observe, and then handed me a Cabinet key which he made me attach to my +watch-chain in his presence. This Cabinet key unlocked all the boxes in +which the most confidential papers of the Cabinet were circulated. As +things were then arranged, this key was essential to our work, but a +boy just turned twenty naturally felt immensely proud of such a proof +of the confidence reposed in him. I think, too, that the Foreign Office +can feel justifiably proud of the fact that the trust reposed in its +most junior members was never once betrayed, and that the most weighty +secrets were absolutely safe in their keeping. + +I have narrated elsewhere my early experiences at Berlin and Petrograd. +In every capital the Diplomatists must always be, in a sense, +sojourners in a strange land, and many of them who find a difficulty in +amalgamating with the people of the country must always be thrown to a +great extent on their own resources. It is probably for this reason +that theatricals were so popular amongst the Diplomats in Petrograd, +the plays being naturally always acted in French. + +Here I felt more or less at home. My grandmother, the Duchess of +Bedford, was passionately fond of acting, and in my grandfather's time, +one room at Woburn Abbey was permanently fitted up as a theatre. Here, +every winter during my mother's girlhood, there was a succession of +performances in which she, her mother and brothers and sisters all took +part, the Russell family having a natural gift for acting. Probably the +very name of Charles Matthews is unfamiliar to the present generations, +so it is sufficient to say that he was THE light comedian of the early +nineteenth century. The Garrick Club possesses a fine collection of +portraits of Charles Matthews in some of his most popular parts. +Charles Matthews acted regularly with the Russell family at Woburn, my +mother playing the lead. I have a large collection of Woburn Abbey +play-bills, from 1831-1839, all printed on white satin, and some of the +pieces they put on were quite ambitious ones. My mother had a very +sweet singing voice, which she retained till late in life; indeed a +tiny thread of voice remained until her ninety-third year, with a faint +remnant of its old sweetness still clinging to it. After her marriage, +her love of theatricals still persisted, so we were often having +performances at home, as my brothers and sisters shared her tastes. I +made my first appearance on the stage at the age of seven, and I can +still remember most of my lines. + +At Petrograd, in the French theatricals, I was always cast for old men, +and I must have played countless fathers, uncles, generals, and family +lawyers. As unmarried girls took part in these performances, the French +pieces had to be considerably "bowdlerized," but they still remained as +excruciatingly funny as only French pieces can be. + +If I may be permitted a rather lengthy digression, "bowdlerised" +derives its name from Thomas Bowdler, who in 1818 published an +expurgated edition of Shakespeare. It would be rather interesting to +make a list of words which have passed into common parlance but which +were originally derived from some peculiarity of the person whose +surname they perpetuate. A few occur to me. In addition to +"bowdlerise," there is "sandwich." As is well known, this compact form +of nourishment derives its name from John, fourth Earl of Sandwich, who +lived between 1718-1792. Lord Sandwich was a confirmed gambler, and +such was his anxiety to lose still more money, and to impoverish +further himself, his family, and his descendants, that he grudged the +time necessary for meals, and had slices of bread and slices of meat +placed by his side. The inventive faculty being apparently but little +developed during the eighteenth century, he was the first person who +thought of placing meat between two slices of bread. Owing to the +economy of time thus effected, he was able to ruin himself very +satisfactorily, and his name is now familiar all over the world, thanks +to the condensed form of food he introduced. + +Again, Admiral Edward Vernon was Naval Commander-in-Chief in the West +Indies in 1740. The Admiral was known as "Old Grog," from his habit of +always having his breeches and the linings of his boat-cloaks made of +grogram, a species of coarse white poplin (from the French grosgrain). +It occurred to "Old Grog" that, in view of the ravages of yellow fever +amongst the men of the Fleet, it would be advisable, in the burning +climate of the West Indies, to dilute the blue-jackets' rations of rum +with water before serving them out. This was accordingly done, to the +immense dissatisfaction of the men, who probably regarded it as a +forerunner of "Pussyfoot" legislation. They at once christened the +mixture "grog," after the Admiral's nickname, and "grog" as a term for +spirits and water has spread all over the world, and is used just as +much in French as in English. + +The origin of the expression "to burke an inquiry," in the sense of +suppressing or stifling it, is due to Burke and Hare, two enterprising +malefactors who supplied the medical schools of Edinburgh with +"subjects" for anatomical research, early in the nineteenth century. +Their procedure was simple. Creeping behind unsuspecting citizens in +lonely streets, they stifled them to death by placing pitch-plasters +over their mouths and noses. Burke was hanged for this in Edinburgh in +1829. + +In our own time, an almost unknown man has enriched the language with a +new verb. A Captain Boycott of Lough Mask House, Co. Mayo, was a small +Irish land-agent in 1880. The means that were adopted to try and drive +him out of the country are well known. Since that time the expression +to "boycott" a person, in the sense of combining with others to refuse +to have any dealings with him, has become a recognised English term, +and is just as widely used in France as with us. + +A less familiar term is a "Collins," for the usual letter of thanks +which a grateful visitor addresses to his recent host. This, of course, +is derived from the Rev. Mr. Collins of Jane Austen's Pride and +Prejudice, who prided himself on the dexterity with which he worded +these acknowledgments of favours received. As another example, most +bridge-players are but too familiar with the name of a certain defunct +Earl of Yarborough, who, whatever his other good qualities may have +been, scarcely seems to have been a consistently good card-holder. + +There must be quite a long list of similar words, and they would make +an interesting study. + +To return to the Diplomatic Theatricals at Petrograd, Labiche's piece, +La Cagnotte, is extraordinarily funny, though written over sixty years +ago. We gave a very successful performance of this, in which I played +the restaurant waiter--a capital part. La Lettre Chargee and Le +Sous-Prefet are both most amusing pieces, which can be played, with +very slight "cuts," before any audience, and they both bubble over with +that gaiete francaise which appeals so to me. We were coached at +Petrograd by Andrieux, the jeune premier of the Theatre Michel, and we +all became very professional indeed, never talking of Au Seconde Acte, +but saying Au Deux, in proper French stage style. We also endeavoured +to cultivate the long-drawn-out "a's" of the Comedie Francaise, and +pronounced "adorahtion" and "imaginahtion" in the traditional manner of +the "Maison de Moliere." + +The British business community in Petrograd were also extremely fond of +getting up theatricals, in this case, of course, in English. If in the +French plays I was invariably cast for old men, in the English ones I +was always allotted the extremely juvenile parts, being still very slim +and able to "make up" young. I must confess to having appeared on the +stage in an Eton jacket and collar at the age of twenty-four, as the +schoolboy in Peril. + +Russians are extremely clever at parody. Two brothers Narishkin wrote +an intensely amusing mock serious opera, entitled Gargouillada, ou la +Belle de Venise. It was written half in French and mock-Italian, and +half in Russian, and was an excellent skit on an old-fashioned Italian +opera. All the ladies fought shy of the part of "Countess Gorganzola," +the heroine's grandmother. This was partly due to the boldness of some +of "Gorganzola's" lines, and also to the fact that whoever played the +role would have to make-up frankly as an old woman. I was asked to take +"Countess Gorganzola" instead of the villain of the piece, which I had +rehearsed, and I did so, turning it into a sort of Charley's Aunt part. +Garouillada went with a roar from the opening chorus to the final +tableau, and so persistently enthusiastic were the audience that we +agreed to give the opera again four nights in succession. + +I was at work in the Chancery of the Embassy next morning when three +people were ushered in to me. They were a family from either St. +Helens, Runcorn, or Widnes, I forget which, all speaking the broadest +Lancashire. The navigation of the Neva being again opened, they had +come on a little trip to Russia on a tramp-steamer belonging to a +friend of theirs. There was the father, a short, thickset man in shiny +black broadcloth, with a shaven upper lip, and a voluminous red +"Newgate-frill" framing his face--exactly the type of face one +associates with the Deacon of a Calvinistic-Methodist Chapel; there was +the mother, a very grim-looking female; and the son, a nondescript +hobbledehoy with goggle-eyes. It appeared that after their passports +had been inspected on landing, the goggle-eyed boy had laid his down +somewhere and had lost it. No hotel would take him in without a +passport, but these people were so obviously genuine, that I had no +hesitation in issuing a fresh passport to the lad, after swearing the +father to an affidavit that the protuberant-eyed youth was his lawful +son. After a few kind words as to the grave effects of any carelessness +with passports in a country like Russia, I let the trio from Runcorn +(or St. Helens) depart. + +That evening I had just finished dressing and making-up as Countess +Gorganzola, when I was told that three English people who had come on +from the Embassy wished to see me. The curtain would be going up in ten +minutes, so I got an obliging Russian friend who spoke English to go +down and interview them. The strong Lancashire accent defeated him. All +he could tell me was that it was something about a passport, and that +it was important. I was in a difficulty. It would have taken at least +half an hour to change and make-up again, and the curtain was going up +almost at once, so after some little hesitation I decided to go down as +I was. I was wearing a white wig with a large black lace cap, and a +gown of black moire-antique trimmed with flounces and hanging sleeves +of an abominable material known as black Chantilly lace. Any one who +has ever had to wear this hateful fabric knows how it catches in every +possible thing it can do. Down I went, and the trio from Widnes (or +Runcorn) seemed surprised at seeing an old lady enter the room. But +when I spoke, and they recognised in the old lady the frock-coated (and +I trust sympathetic) official they had interviewed earlier in the day, +their astonishment knew no bounds. The father gazed at me +horror-stricken, as though I were a madman; the mother kept on +swallowing, as ladies of her type do when they wish to convey strong +disapprobation; and the prominent-orbed boy's eyes nearly fell out of +his head. I explained that some theatricals were in progress, but that +did not mend matters; evidently in the serious circles in which they +moved in St. Helens (or Widnes), theatricals were regarded as one of +the snares of the Evil One. To make matters worse, one of my Chantilly +lace sleeves caught in the handle of a drawer, and perhaps excusably, +but quite audibly, I condemned all Chantilly lace to eternal +punishment, but in a much shorter form. After that they looked on me as +clearly beyond the pale. The difficulty about the passport was easily +adjusted. The police had threatened to arrest the young man, as his new +passport was clearly not the one with which he had entered Russia. The +Russian Minister of the Interior happened to be in the green-room, and +on my personal guarantee as to the identity of the Widnes youth, he +wrote an order to the police on his visiting-card, bidding them to +leave the goggle-eyed boy in peace. I really tremble to think of the +reports this family must have circulated upon their return to Widnes +(or Runcorn) as to the frivolity of junior members of the British +Diplomatic Service, who dressed up as old women, and used bad language +about Chantilly lace. + +There is a wearisome formality known as "legalising" which took up much +time at the Berlin Embassy. Commercial agreements, if they are to be +binding in two countries, say Germany and England, have to be +"legalised," and this must be done at the Embassy, not at the +Consulate. The individual bringing the document has to make a sworn +affidavit that the contents of his papers are true; he then signs it, +the dry-seal of the Embassy is embossed on it, and a rubber stamp +impressed, declaring that the affidavit has been duly sworn to before a +member of the Embassy staff. This is then signed and dated, and the +process is complete. There were strings of people daily in Berlin with +documents to be legalised, and on a little shelf in the Chancery +reposed an Authorized Version of the Bible, a German Bible, a Vulgate +version of the Gospels in Latin, and a Pentateuch in Hebrew, for the +purpose of administering the oath, according to the religion professed +by the individual. I was duly instructed how to administer the oath in +German, and was told that my first question must be as to the religion +the applicant professed, and that I was then to choose my Book +accordingly. My great friend at Berlin was my fellow-attache Maude, a +most delightful little fellow, who was universally popular. Poor Maude, +who was a near relation of Mr. Cyril Maude the actor's, died four years +afterwards in China. Most of the applicants for legalisation were of +one particular faith. I admired the way in which little Maude, without +putting the usual question as to religion, would scan the features of +the applicant closely and then hand him the Hebrew Pentateuch, and +request him to put on his hat. (Jews are always sworn covered.) About a +month after my arrival in Berlin, I was alone in the Chancery when a +man arrived with a document for legalisation. I was only twenty at the +time, and felt rather "bucked" at administering my first oath. I +thought that I would copy little Maude's methods, and after a good look +at my visitor's prominent features, I handed him the Pentateuch and +requested him to put on his hat. He was perfectly furious, and declared +that both he and his father had been pillars of the Lutheran Church all +their lives. I apologised profusely, but all the same I am convinced +that the original family seat had been situated in the valley of the +Jordan. I avoided, however, guesses as to religions for the future. + +Both at Berlin and at Petrograd I kept what are known as the +"Extraordinary Accounts" of the Embassies. I am therefore in a position +to give the exact amount spent on Secret Service, but I have not the +faintest intention of doing anything of the sort. Suffice it to say +that it is less than one-twentieth of the sum the average person would +imagine. Bought information is nearly always unreliable information. A +moment's consideration will show that, should a man be base enough to +sell his country's secrets to his country's possible enemy, he would +also unhesitatingly cheat, if he could, the man who purchases that +information, which, from the very nature of the case, it is almost +impossible to verify. In all probability the so-called information +would have been carefully prepared at the General Staff for the express +purpose of fooling the briber. There is a different class of +information which, it seems to me, is more legitimate to acquire. The +Russian Ministries of Commerce and Finance always imagined that they +could overrule economic laws by decrees and stratagems. For instance, +they were perpetually endeavouring to divert the flow of trade from its +accustomed channels to some port they wished to stimulate artificially +into prosperity, by granting rebates, and by exceptionally favourable +railway rates. Large quantities of jute sacking were imported from +Dundee to be made into bags for the shipment of Russian wheat. One +Minister of Commerce elaborated an intricate scheme for supplanting the +jute sacking by coarse linen sacking of Russian manufacture, by +granting a bonus to the makers of the latter, and by doubling the +import duties on the Scottish-woven material. I could multiply these +economic schemes indefinitely. Now let us suppose that we had some +source of information in the Ministry of Commerce, it was obviously of +advantage to the British Government and to British traders to be warned +of the pending economic changes some two years in advance, for nothing +is ever done quickly in Russia. People in England then knew what to +expect, and could make their arrangements accordingly. I can see +nothing repugnant to the most rigid code of honour in obtaining +information of this kind. + +On May 6, 1882, Lord Frederick Cavendish, the newly appointed Irish +Secretary, and Mr. Burke, the Permanent Under-Secretary for Ireland, +were assassinated in the Phoenix Park, Dublin. I knew Tom Burke very +well indeed. The British Government offered a reward of ten thousand +pounds for the apprehension of the murderers, and every policeman in +Europe had rosy dreams of securing this great prize, and was constantly +on the alert for the criminals and the reward. + +In July 1882, the Ambassador and half the Embassy staff were on leave +in England. As matters were very slack just then, the Charge d'Affaires +and the Second Secretary had gone to Finland for four days' fishing, +leaving me in charge of the Embassy, with an Attache to help me. My +servant came to me early one morning as I was in bed, and told me that +an official of the Higher Police was outside my front door, and begged +for permission to come into my flat. I have explained elsewhere that +Ambassadors, their families, their staffs, and even all the Embassy +servants enjoy what is called exterritoriality; that is, that by a +polite fiction the Embassy and the houses or apartments of the +Secretaries are supposed to be on the actual soil of the country they +represent. Consequently, the police of the country cannot enter them +except by special permission, and both the Secretaries and their +servants are immune from arrest, and are not subject to the laws of the +country, though they can, of course, be expelled from it. I gave the +policeman leave to enter, and he came into my bedroom. "I have caught +one of the Phoenix Park murderers," he told me triumphantly in Russian, +visions of the possible ten thousand pounds wreathing his face in +smiles. I jumped up incredulously. He went on to inform me that a man +had landed from the Stockholm steamer early that morning. Though he +declared that he had no arms with him, a revolver and a dagger had been +found in his trunk. His passport had only been issued at the British +Legation in Stockholm, and his description tallied exactly with the +signalment issued by Scotland Yard in eight languages. The policier +showed me the description: "height about five feet nine; complexion +sallow, with dark eyes. Thickset build; probably with some recent cuts +on face and hands." The policeman declared that the cuts were there, +and that it was unquestionably the man wanted. Then he put the question +point-blank, would the Embassy sanction this man's arrest? I was only +twenty-five at the time. I had to act on "my own," and I had to decide +quickly. "Yes, arrest him," I said, "but you are not to take him to +prison. Confine him to his room at his hotel, with two or three of your +men to watch him. I will dress and come there as quickly as I can." + +Half an hour later I was in a grubby room of a grubby hotel, where a +short, sallow, thickset man, with three recent cuts on his face, was +walking up and down, smoking cigarettes feverishly, and throwing +frightened glances at three sinister-looking plain-clothes men, who +pretended to be quite at ease. I looked again at the description and at +the man. There could be no doubt about it. I asked him for his own +account of himself. He told me that he was the Manager of the +Gothenburg Tramway Company in Sweden, an English concern, and that he +had come to Russia for a little holiday. He accounted for the cuts on +his face and hands by saying that he had slipped and fallen on his face +whilst alighting from a moving tram-car. He declared that he was well +known in Stockholm, and that his wife, when packing his things, must +have put in the revolver and dagger without his knowledge. It all +sounded grotesquely improbable, but I promised to telegraph both to +Stockholm and Gothenburg, and to return to him as soon as I had +received the answers. In the meanwhile I feared that he must consider +himself as under close arrest. He himself was under the impression that +all the trouble was due to the concealed arms; the Phoenix Park murders +had never once been mentioned. I sent off a long telegram in cypher to +the Stockholm Legation, making certain inquiries, and a longer one en +clair to the British Consul at Gothenburg. By nagging at the Attache, +and by keeping that dapper young gentleman's nose pretty close to the +grindstone, I got the first telegram cyphered and dispatched by 10 +a.m.; the answers arrived about 4 p.m. The man's story was true in +every particular. He HAD fallen off a moving tram and cut his face; his +wife, terrified at the idea of unknown dangers in Russia, HAD borrowed +a revolver and dagger from a friend, and had packed them in her +husband's trunk without his knowledge. Mr. D---- (I remember his name +perfectly) was well known in Stockholm, and was a man of the highest +respectability. I drove as fast as I could to the grubby hotel, where I +found the poor fellow still restlessly pacing the room, and still +smoking cigarette after cigarette. There was a perfect Mont Blanc of +cigarette stumps on a plate, and the shifty-looking plain-clothes men +were still watching their man like hawks. I told the police that they +had got hold of the wrong man, that the Embassy was quite satisfied +about him, and that they must release the gentleman at once. They +accordingly did so, and the alluring vision of the ten thousand pounds +vanished into thin air! The poor man was quite touchingly grateful to +me; he had formed the most terrible ideas about a Russian State prison, +and seemed to think that he owed his escape entirely to me. I had not +the moral courage to tell him that I had myself ordered his arrest that +morning, still less of the awful crime of which he had been suspected. +Looking back, I do not see how I could have acted otherwise; the prima +facie case against him was so strong; never was circumstantial evidence +apparently clearer. Mr. D---- went back to Sweden next day, as he had +had enough of Russia. Should Mr. D---- still be alive, and should he by +any chance read these lines, may I beg of him to accept my humblest +apologies for the way I behaved to him thirty-eight years ago. + +I happened to see the four assassins of Alexander II. driven through +the streets of Petrograd on their way to execution. They were seated in +chairs on large tumbrils, with their backs to the horses. Each one had +a placard on his, or her breast, inscribed "Regicide" ("Tsaryubeeyetz" +in Russian). Two military brass bands, playing loudly, followed the +tumbrils. This was to make it impossible for the condemned persons to +address the crowd, but the music might have been selected more +carefully. One band played the well-known march from Fatinitza. There +was a ghastly incongruity between the merry strains of this captivating +march and the terrible fate that awaited the people escorted by the +band at the end of their last drive on earth. When the first band +rested, the second replaced it instantly to avoid any possibilities of +a speech. The second band seemed to me to have made an equally unhappy +selection of music. "Kaiser Alexander," written as a complimentary +tribute to the murdered Emperor by a German composer, is a spirited and +tuneful march, but as "Kaiser Alexander" was dead, and had been killed +by the very people who were now going to expiate their crime, the +familiar tune jarred horribly. A jaunty, lively march tune, and death +at the end of it, and in a sense at the beginning of it too. At times +even now I can conjure up a vision of the broad, sombre Petrograd +streets, with the dull cotton-wool sky pressing down almost on to the +house-tops; the vast silent crowds thronging the thoroughfares, and the +tumbrils rolling slowly forward through the crowded streets to the +place of execution, accompanied by the gay strains of the march from +Fatinitza. The hideous incongruity between the tune and the occasion +made one positively shudder. + +There is in the Russian temperament a peculiar unbalanced hysterical +element. This, joined to a distinct bent towards the mystic, and to a +large amount of credulity, has made Russia for two hundred years the +happy hunting-ground of charlatans and impostors of various sorts +claiming supernatural powers: clairvoyants, mediums, yogis, and all the +rest of the tribe who batten on human weaknesses, and the perpetual +desire to tear away the veil from the Unseen. It so happened that my +chief at Lisbon had in his youth dabbled in the Black Art. Sir Charles +Wyke was a dear old man, who had spent most of his Diplomatic career in +Mexico and the South American Republics. He spoke Spanish better than +any other Englishman I ever knew, with the one exception of Sir William +Barrington. He was unmarried, and was a most distinguished-looking old +gentleman with his snow-white imperial and moustache. He was +unquestionably a little eccentric in his habits. He had rendered some +signal service to the Mexican Government while British Minister there, +by settling a dispute between them and the French authorities. The +Mexican Government had out of gratitude presented him with a splendid +Mexican saddle, with pommel, stirrups and bit of solid silver, and with +the leather of the saddle most elaborately embroidered in silver. Sir +Charles kept this trophy on a saddle-tree in his study at Lisbon, and +it was his custom to sit on it daily for an hour or so. He said that as +he was too old to ride, the feel of a saddle under him reminded him of +his youth. When every morning I brought the old gentleman the day's +dispatches, I always found him seated on his saddle, a cigar in his +mouth, a skull-cap on his head, and his feet in the silver +shoe-stirrups. Sir Charles had been a great friend of the first Lord +Lytton, the novelist, and they had together dabbled in Black Magic. Sir +Charles declared that the last chapters in Bulwer-Lytton's wonderful +imaginative work, A STRANGE STORY, describing the preparation of the +Elixir of Life in the heart of the Australian Bush, were all founded on +actual experience, with the notable reservation that all the recorded +attempts made to produce this magic fluid had failed from their very +start. He had in his younger days joined a society of Rosicrucians, by +which I do not mean the Masonic Order of that name, but persons who +sought to penetrate into the Forbidden Domain. Some forty years ago a +very interesting series of articles appeared in Vanity Fair (the weekly +newspaper, not Thackeray's masterpiece), under the title of "The Black +Art." In one of these there was an account of a seance which took place +at the Pantheon in Oxford Street, in either the "forties" or the +"fifties." A number of people had hired the hall, and the Devil was +invoked in due traditional form, Then something happened, and the +entire assemblage rushed terror-stricken into Oxford Street, and +nothing would induce a single one of them to re-enter the building. Sir +Charles owned that he had been present at the seance, but he would +never tell me what it was that frightened them all so; he said that he +preferred to forget the whole episode. Sir Charles had an idea that I +was a "sensitive," so, after getting my leave to try his experiment, he +poured into the palm of my hand a little pool of quicksilver, and +placing me under a powerful shaded lamp, so that a ray of light caught +the mercury pool, he told me to look at the bright spot for a quarter +of an hour, remaining motionless meanwhile. Any one who has shared this +experience with me, knows how the speck of light flashes and grows +until that little pool of quicksilver seems to fill the entire horizon, +darting out gleaming rays like an Aurora Borealis. I felt myself +growing dazed and hypnotised, when Sir Charles emptied the mercury from +my hand, and commenced making passes over me, looking, with his slender +build and his white hair and beard, like a real mediaeval magician. +"Now you can neither speak nor move," he cried at length. "I think I +can do both, Sir Charles," I answered, as I got out of the chair. He +tried me on another occasion, and then gave me up. I was clearly not a +"sensitive." + +Sir Charles had quite a library of occult books, from which I +endeavoured to glean a little knowledge, and great rubbish most of them +were. Raymond Lully, Basil Valentine, Paracelsus, and Van Helmont; they +were all there, in French, German, Latin, and English. The Alchemists +had two obsessions: one was the discovery of the Elixir of Life, by the +aid of which you could live forever; the other that of the +Philosopher's Stone, which had the property of transmuting everything +it touched into gold. Like practical men, they seemed to have +concentrated their energies more especially on the latter, for a +moment's consideration will show the exceedingly awkward predicament in +which any one would be placed with only the first of these conveniences +at his command. Should he by the aid of the Elixir of Life have managed +to attain the age of, say, 300 years, he might find it excessively hard +to obtain any remunerative employment at that time of life; whereas +with the Philosopher's Stone in his pocket, he would only have to touch +the door-scraper outside his house to find it immediately transmuted +into the purest gold. In case of pressing need, he could extend the +process with like result to his area railings, which ought to be enough +to keep the wolf from the door for some little while even at the +present-day scale of prices. + +Basil Valentine, the German Benedictine monk and alchemist, who wrote a +book which he quaintly termed The Triumphant Wagon, in praise of the +healing properties of antimony, actually thought that he had discovered +the Elixir of Life in tartrate of antimony, more generally known as +tartar emetic. He administered large doses of this turbulent remedy to +some ailing monks of his community, who promptly all died of it. + +The main characteristics of the Alchemists is their wonderful clarity. +For instance, when they wish to refer to mercury, they call it "the +green lion," and the "Pontic Sea," which makes it quite obvious to +every one. They attached immense importance to the herb "Lunary," which +no one as yet has ever been able to discover. Should any one happen to +see during their daily walks "a herb with a black root, and a red and +violet stalk, whose leaves wax and wane with the moon," they will at +once know that they have found a specimen of the rare herb "Lunary." +The juice of this plant, if boiled with quicksilver, has only to be +thrown over one hundred ounces of copper, to change them instantly into +fine gold. Paracelsus' directions for making the Philosopher's Stone +are very simple: "Take the rosy-coloured blood of the lion, and gluten +from the eagle. Mix them together, and the Philosopher's Stone is +thine. Seek the lion in the west, and the eagle in the south." What +could be clearer? Any child could make sufficient Philosopher's Stones +from this simple recipe to pave a street with--a most useful asset, by +the way, to the Chancellor of the Exchequer at the present time, for +every bicycle, omnibus and motor-lorry driving over the Philosopher +Stone-paved street would instantly be changed automatically into pure +gold, and the National Debt could be satisfactorily liquidated in this +fashion in no time. + +Whenever I returned home on leave, whether from Berlin, Petrograd, +Lisbon, or Buenos Ayres, I invariably spent a portion of my leave at +Glamis Castle. This venerable pile, "whose birth tradition notes not," +though the lower portions were undoubtedly standing in 1016, rears its +forest of conical turrets in the broad valley lying between the +Grampians and the Sidlaws, in the fertile plains of Forfarshire. Apart +from the prestige of its immense age, Glamis is one of the most +beautiful buildings in the Three Kingdoms. The exquisitely weathered +tints of grey-pink and orange that its ancient red sandstone walls have +taken on with the centuries, its many gables and towers rising in +summer-time out of a sea of greenery, the richness of its architectural +details, make Glamis a thing apart. There is nothing else quite like +it. No more charming family can possibly be imagined than that of the +late Lord Strathmore, forty years ago. The seven sons and three +daughters of the family were all born musicians. I have never heard +such perfect and finished part-singing as that of the Lyon family, and +they were always singing: on the way to a cricket-match; on the road +home from shooting; in the middle of dinner, even, this irrepressible +family could not help bursting into harmony, and such exquisite +harmony, too! Until their sisters grew up, the younger boys sang the +treble and alto parts, but finally they were able to manage a +male-voice quartet, a trio of ladies' voices, and a combined family +octette. The dining-room at Glamis is a very lofty hall, oak-panelled, +with a great Jacobean chimney-piece rising to the roof. After dinner it +was the custom for the two family pipers to make the circuit of the +table three times, and then to walk slowly off, still playing, through +the tortuous stone passages of the ancient building until the last +faint echoes of the music had died away. Then all the lights in the +dining-room were extinguished except the candles on the table, and out +came a tuning-fork, and one note was sounded--"Madrigal," "Spring is +Come, third beat," said the conducting brother, and off they went, +singing exquisitely; glees, madrigals, part-songs, anything and +everything, the acoustic properties of the lofty room adding to the +effect. All visitors to Glamis were charmed with this most finished +singing--always, of course, without accompaniment. They sang equally +well in the private chapel, giving admirable renderings of the most +intricate "Services," and, from long practice together, their voices +blended perfectly. This gifted family were equally good at acting. They +had a permanent stage during the winter months at Glamis, and as every +new Gilbert and Sullivan opera was produced in London, the concerted +portions were all duly repeated at Glamis, and given most excellently. +I have never heard the duet and minuet between "Sir Marmaduke" and +"Lady Sangazure" from The Sorcerer better done than at Glamis, although +Sir Marmaduke was only nineteen, and Lady Sangazure, under her white +wig, was a boy of twelve. The same boy sang "Mabel" in the Pirates of +Penzance most admirably. + +In 1884 it was conveyed to Lord Strathmore that Mr. and Mrs. Gladstone, +whom he did not know personally, were most anxious to see Glamis. Of +course an invitation was at once dispatched, and in spite of the +rigorously Tory atmosphere of the house, we were all quite charmed with +Mr. Gladstone's personality. Lord Strathmore wished to stop the +part-singing after dinner, but I felt sure that Mr. Gladstone would +like it, so it took place as usual. The old gentleman was perfectly +enchanted with it, and complimented this tuneful family +enthusiastically on the perfect finish of their singing. Next evening +Mr. Gladstone asked for a part-song in the middle of dinner, and as the +singing was continued in the drawing-room afterwards, he went and, with +a deferential courtesy charming to see in a man of his age and +position, asked whether the young people would allow an old man to sing +bass in the glees with them. Mr. Gladstone still had a very fine +resonant bass, and he read quite admirably. It was curious to see the +Prime Minister reading off the same copy as an Eton boy of sixteen, who +was singing alto. Being Sunday night, they went on singing hymns and +anthems till nearly midnight; there was no getting Mr. Gladstone away. +Mrs. Gladstone told me next day that he had not enjoyed himself so much +for many months. + +There was a blend of simplicity, dignity, and kindliness in Mrs. +Gladstone's character that made her very attractive. My family were +exceedingly fond of her, and though two of my brothers were always +attacking Mr. Gladstone in the most violent terms, this never strained +their friendly relations with Mrs. Gladstone herself. I always conjure +up visions of Mrs. Gladstone in her sapphire-blue velvet, her +invariable dress of ceremony. Though a little careless as to her +appearance, she always looked a "great lady," and her tall figure, and +the kindly old face with its crown of silvery hair, were always +welcomed in the houses of those privileged to know her. + +The Lyon family could do other things besides singing and acting. The +sons were all excellent shots, and were very good at games. One brother +was lawn-tennis champion of Scotland, whilst another, with his partner, +won the Doubles Championship of England. + +Glamis is the oldest inhabited house in Great Britain. As Shakespeare +tells us in Macbeth, + +"This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air Nimbly and sweetly +recommends itself Unto our gentle senses." + +The vaulted crypt was built before 1016, and another ancient +stone-flagged, stone-vaulted hall leading out of it is the traditional +scene of the murder of Duncan by Macbeth, the "Thane of Glamis." In a +room above it King Malcolm II. of Scotland was murdered in 1034. The +castle positively teems with these agreeable traditions. The staircases +and their passages are stone-walled, stone-roofed, and stone-floored, +and their flags are worn into hollows by the feet which have trodden +them for so many centuries. Unusual features are the secret winding +staircases debouching in the most unexpected places, and a well in the +front hall, which doubtless played a very useful part during the many +sieges the castle sustained in the old days. The private chapel is a +beautiful little place of worship, with eighty painted panels of +Scriptural subjects by De Witt, the seventeenth-century Dutch artist, +and admirable stained glass. The Castle, too, is full of interesting +historical relics. It boasts the only remaining Fool's dress of motley +in the kingdom; Prince Charlie's watch and clothes are still preserved +there, for the Prince, surprised by the Hanoverian troops at Glamis, +had only time to jump on a horse and escape, leaving all his belongings +behind him. There is a wonderful collection of old family dresses of +the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, and above all there is the +very ancient silver-gilt cup, "The Lion of Glamis," which holds an +entire bottle of wine, and on great family occasions is still produced +and used as a loving-cup, circulating from hand to hand round the +table. Walter Scott in a note to Waverly states that it was the "Lion +of Glamis" cup which gave him the idea of the "Blessed Bear of +Bradwardine." In fact, there is no end to the objects of interest this +wonderful old castle contains, and the Lyon family have inhabited it +for six hundred years in direct line from father to son. + +It is difficult for me to write impartially about Glamis, for it is as +familiar to me as my own home. I have been so much there, and have +received such kindness within its venerable walls, that it can never be +to me quite as other places are. I can see vast swelling stretches of +purple heather, with the dainty little harebells all a-quiver in the +strong breeze sweeping over the grouse-butts, as a brown mass of +whirling wings rushes past at the pace of an express train, causing one +probably to reflect how well-nigh impossible it is to "allow" too much +for driven grouse flying down-wind. I can picture equally vividly the +curling-pond in winter-time, tuneful with the merry chirrup of the +curling-stones as they skim over the ice, whilst cries of "Soop her up, +man, soop! Soop!" from the anxious "skip" fill the keen air. I like +best, though, to think of the Glamis of my young days, when the ancient +stone-built passages and halls, that have seen so many generations pass +through them and disappear, rang with perpetual youthful laughter, or +echoed beautifully finished part-singing; when nimble young feet +twinkled, and kilts whirled to the skirl of the pipes under the vaulted +roof of the nine-hundred-year-old crypt; when the whole place was +vibrant with joyous young life, and the stately, grey-bearded owner of +the historic castle, and of many broad acres in Strathmore besides, +found his greatest pleasure in seeing how happy his children and his +guests could be under his roof. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +Canada--The beginnings of the C.P.R.--Attitude of British Columbia--The +C.P.R. completed--Quebec--A swim at Niagara--Other mighty +waterfalls--Ottawa and Rideau Hall--Effects of dry climate--Personal +electricity--Every man his own dynamo--Attraction of +Ottawa--Curling--The "roaring game"--Skating--An ice-palace--A ball on +skates--Difficulties of translating the Bible into Eskimo--The building +of the snow hut--The snow hut in use--Sir John Macdonald--Some personal +traits--The Canadian Parliament buildings--Monsieur l'Orateur--A quaint +oration--The "Pages' Parliament"--An all-night sitting--The "Arctic +Cremorne"--A curious Lisbon custom--The Balkan +"souvenir-hunters"--Personal inspection of Canadian convents--Some +incidents--The unwelcome novice--The Montreal Carnival--The +Ice-castle--The Skating Carnival--A stupendous toboggan slide--The +pioneer of "ski" in Canada--The old-fashioned raquettes--A Canadian +Spring--Wonder of the Dominion. + + +When I was in Canada for the first time in 1884, the Canadian Pacific +Railway was not completed, and there was no through railway connection +between the Maritime Provinces, "Upper" and "Lower" Canada, and the +Pacific Coast, though, of course, in 1884 those old-fashioned terms for +the Provinces of Ontario and Quebec had been obsolete for some time. +Since the Federation of the Dominion in 1867, the opening of the +Trans-Continental railway has been the most potent factor in the +knitting together of Canada, and has developed the resources of the +Dominion to an extent which even the most enthusiastic of the original +promoters of the C.P.R. never anticipated. When British Columbia threw +in its lot with the Dominion in 1871, one of the terms upon which the +Pacific Province insisted was a guarantee that the Trans-Continental +railway should be completed in ten years--that is, in 1881. Two rival +Companies received in 1872 charters for building the railway; the +result was continual political intrigue, and very little construction +work. British Columbia grew extremely restive under the continual +delays, and threatened to retire from the Dominion. Lord Dufferin told +me himself, when I was his Private Secretary in Petrograd, that on the +occasion of his official visit to British Columbia (of course by sea), +in either 1876 or 1877, as Governor-General, he was expected to drive +under a triumphal arch which had been erected at Victoria, Vancouver +Island. This arch was inscribed on both sides with the word +"Separation." I remember perfectly Lord Dufferin's actual words in +describing the incident: "I sent for the Mayor of Victoria, and told +him that I must have a small--a very small--alteration made in the +inscription, before I could consent to drive under it; an alteration of +one letter only. The initial 'S' must be replaced with an 'R' and then +I would pledge my word that I would do my best to see that 'Reparation' +was made to the Province." This is so eminently characteristic of Lord +Dufferin's methods that it is worth recording. The suggested alteration +in the inscription was duly made, and Lord Dufferin drove under the +arch. In spite of continued efforts the Governor-General was unable to +expedite the construction of the railway under the Mackenzie +Administration, and it needed all his consummate tact to quiet the +ever-growing demand for separation from the Dominion on the part of +British Columbia, owing to the non-fulfilment of the terms of union. It +was not until 1881, under Sir John Macdonald's Premiership, that a +contract was signed with a new Company to complete the Canadian Pacific +within ten years, but so rapid was the progress made, that the last +spike was actually driven on November 7, 1886, five years before the +stipulated time. The names of three Scotsmen will always be associated +with this gigantic undertaking: those of the late Donald Smith, +afterwards Lord Strathcona; George Stephen, now Lord Mount-stephen; and +Mr. R. B. Angus of Montreal. The last spike, which was driven in at a +place called Craigellachie, by Mrs. Mackenzie, widow of the Premier +under whom the C.P.R. had been commenced, was of an unusual character, +for it was of eighteen-carat gold. In the course of an hour it was +replaced by a more serviceable spike of steel. I have often seen Mrs. +Mackenzie wearing the original gold spike, with "Craigellachie" on it +in diamonds. + +There are few finer views in the world than that from the terrace of +the Citadel of Quebec over the mighty expanse of the St. Lawrence, with +ocean-going steamers lying so close below that it would be possible to +drop a stone from the Citadel on to their decks; and the view from the +Dufferin Terrace, two hundred feet lower down, is just as fine. My +brother-in-law, Lord Lansdowne, had been appointed Governor-General in +1883, and I well remember my first arrival in Quebec. We had been +living for five weeks in the backwoods of the Cascapedia, the famous +salmon-river, under the most primitive conditions imaginable. I had +come there straight from the Argentine Republic on a tramp steamer, and +we lived on the Cascapedia coatless and flannel-shirted, with our legs +encased in "beef moccasins" as a protection against the hordes of +voracious flies that battened ravenously on us from morning to night. +It was a considerable change from a tent on the banks of the rushing, +foaming Cascapedia to the Citadel of Quebec, which was then appointed +like a comfortable English country house, and gave one a thoroughly +home-like feeling at once. After my prolonged stay in South America I +was pleased, too, to recognise familiar pictures, furniture and china +which I had last met in their English Wiltshire home, all of them with +the stolid impassiveness of inanimate objects unaware that they had +been spirited across the Atlantic, three thousand miles from their +accustomed abiding-place. + +In September 1884, at a point immediately below the Falls, I swam +Niagara with Mr. Cecil Baring, now a partner in Baring Brothers, then +an Oxford undergraduate. We were standing at the foot of the American +Falls, when we noticed a little board inscribed, "William Grenfell of +Taplow Court, England" (the present Lord Desborough), "swam Niagara at +this spot." I looked at Baring, Baring looked at me. "I don't see why +we shouldn't do it too," he observed, to which I replied, "We might +have a try," so we stripped, sent our clothes over to the Canadian +side, and entered the water. It was a far longer swim than either of us +had anticipated, the current was very strong, and the eddies bothered +us. When we landed on the Canadian shore, I was utterly exhausted, +though Baring, being eight years younger than me, did not feel the +effects of the exertion so much. I remember that the Falls, seen from +only six inches above the surface of the water, looked like a splendid +range of snow-clad hills tumbling about in mad confusion, and that the +roar of waters was deafening. As we both lay panting and gasping, puris +naturalibus, on the Canadian bank, I need hardly say, as we were on the +American continent, that a reporter made his appearance from nowhere, +armed with notebook and pencil. This young newspaper-man was not +troubled with false delicacy. He asked us point-blank what we had made +out of our swim. On learning that we had had no money on it, but had +merely done it for the fun of the thing, he mentioned the name of a +place of eternal punishment, shut up his notebook in disgust, and +walked off: there was evidently no "story" to be made out of us. After +some luncheon and a bottle of Burgundy, neither Baring nor I felt any +the worse for our swim, nor were we the least tired during the +remainder of the day. I have seen Niagara in summer, spring and in +mid-winter, and each time the fascination of these vast masses of +tumbling waters has grown on me. I have never, to my regret, seen the +Victoria Falls of the Zambesi, as on two separate occasions when +starting for them unforeseen circumstances detained me in Cape Town. +The Victoria Falls are more than double the height of Niagara, Niagara +falling 160 feet, and the Zambesi 330 feet, and the Falls are over one +mile broad, but I fancy that except in March and April, the volume of +water hurling itself over them into the great chasm below is smaller +than at Niagara. I have heard that the width of the Victoria Falls is +to within a few yards exactly the distance between the Marble Arch and +Oxford Circus. When I was in the Argentine Republic, the great Falls of +the River Iguazu, a tributary of the Parana, were absolutely +inaccessible. To reach them vast tracts of dense primeval forest had to +be traversed, where every inch of the track would have to be +laboriously hacked through the jungle. Their very existence was +questioned, for it depended on the testimony of wandering Indians, and +of one solitary white man, a Jesuit missionary. Now, since the railway +to Paraguay has been completed, the Iguazu Falls can be reached, though +the journey is still a difficult one. The Falls are 200 feet high, and +nearly a mile wide. In the very heart of the City of Ottawa there are +the fine Chaudiere Falls, where the entire River Ottawa drops fifty +feet over a rocky ledge. The boiling whirl of angry waters has well +earned its name of cauldron, or "Chaudiere," but so much of the water +has now been drawn off to supply electricity and power to the city, +that the volume of the falls has become sensibly diminished. I know of +no place in Europe where the irresistible might of falling waters is +more fully brought home to one than at Trollhattan in Sweden. Here the +Gotha River whirls itself down 120 feet in seven cataracts. They are +rapids rather than falls, but it is the immense volume of water which +makes them so impressive. Every year Trolhattan grows more and more +disfigured by saw-mills, carbide of calcium works, and other industrial +buildings sprouting up like unsightly mushrooms along the river-banks. +The last time that I was there it was almost impossible to see the +falls in their entirety from any point, owing to this congestion of +squalid factories. + +Rideau Hall, the Government House at Ottawa, stands about two miles out +of the town, and is a long, low, unpretentious building, exceedingly +comfortable as a dwelling-house, if somewhat inadequate as an official +residence for the Governor-General of Canada. Lord Dufferin added a +large and very handsome ball-room, fitted with a stage at one end of +it, and a full-sized tennis-court. This tennis-court, by an ingenious +arrangement, can be converted in a few hours into a splendid +supper-room. A red and white tent is lowered bodily from the roof; a +carpet is spread over the floor; great white-and-gold electric +standards bearing the arms of the different Provinces are placed in +position, and the thing is done. The intense dryness of the Canadian +winter climate, especially in houses where furnace-heat intensifies the +dryness, produces some unexpected results. My brother-in-law had +brought out a number of old pieces of French inlaid furniture. The +excessive dryness forced out some of the inlaid marqueterie of these +pieces, and upon their return to Europe they had to undergo a long and +expensive course of treatment. Some fine Romneys and Gainesboroughs +also required the picture-restorer's attentions before they could +return to their Wiltshire home after a five years' sojourn in the dry +air of Canada. The ivory handles of razors shrink in the dry +atmosphere; as the steel frame cannot shrink correspondingly the ivory +splits in two. The thing most surprising to strangers was that it was +possible in winter-time to light the gas with one's finger. All that +was necessary was to shuffle over the carpet in thin shoes, and then on +touching any metal object, an electric spark half an inch long would +crack out of your finger. The size and power of the spark depended a +great deal on the temperament of the experimenter. A high-strung person +could produce quite a large spark; a stolid, bovine individual could +not obtain a glimmer of one. The late Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, whilst +staying at Government House, was told of this, but was inclined to be +sceptical. My sister, Lady Lansdowne, made him shuffle over the carpet, +and then and there touch a gas-burner from which she had removed the +globe. Mr. Chamberlain, with his nervous temperament, produced a spark +an inch long out of himself, and of course the gas flared up +immediately. I do not think that I had ever seen any one more +surprised. This power of generating static electricity from their own +bodies was naturally a source of immense delight to the Lansdowne +children. They loved, after shuffling their feet on the carpet, to +creep up to any adult relation and touch them lightly on the ear, a +most sensitive spot. There would be a little spark, a little shock, and +a little exclamation of surprise. Outside the children's schoolroom +there was a lobby warmed by a stove, and the air there was peculiarly +dry. The young people, with a dozen or so of their youthful friends, +would join hands, taking, however, care not to complete the circle, and +then shuffle their feet vigorously. On completing the circuit, they +could produce a combined spark over two inches long, with a +correspondingly sharp shock. In my bedroom at Ottawa there was an +old-fashioned high brass fender. Had I put on slippers, and have +attempted to warm myself at the fire previous to turning-in. I should +be reminded, by a sharp discharge from my protesting calves into the +metal fender, that I was in dry Canada. (At that date the dryness of +Canada was atmospherical only.) Curiously enough, a spark leaving the +body produces the same shock as one entering it, and no electricity +whatever can be generated with bare feet. One of the footmen at Ottawa +must have been an abnormally high-strung young man, for should one +inadvertently touch silver dinner-plate he handed one, a sharp electric +shock resulted. The children delighted in one very pretty experiment. +Many books for the young have their bindings plentifully adorned with +gold, notably the French series, the "Bibliotheque Rose." Should one of +these highly-gilt volumes be taken into a warm and dry place, and the +lights extinguished, the INNER side of the binding had only to be +rubbed briskly with a fur-cap for all the gilding to begin to sparkle +and coruscate, and to send out little flashes of light. The children +took the utmost pleasure in this example of the curious properties of +electricity. + +The Ottawa of the "eighties" was an attractive little place, and Ottawa +Society was very pleasant. There was then a note of unaffected +simplicity about everything that was most engaging, and the people were +perfectly natural and free from pretence. The majority of them were +Civil servants of limited means, and as everybody knew what their +neighbours' incomes were, there was no occasion for make-believe. The +same note of simplicity ran through all amusements and entertaining, +and I think that it constituted the charm of the place. I called one +afternoon on the very agreeable wife of a high official, and was told +at the door that Lady R--was not at home. Recognizing my voice, a cry +came up from the kitchen-stairs. "Oh, yes! I am at home to you. Come +right down into the kitchen," where I found my friend, with her sleeves +rolled up, making with her own hands the sweets for the dinner-party +she was giving that night, as she mistrusted her cook's capabilities. +The Ottawa people had then that gift of being absolutely unaffected, +which makes the majority of Australians so attractive. Now everything +has changed; Ottawa has trebled in size since I first knew it, and on +revisiting it twenty-five years later, I found that it had become very +"smart" indeed, with elaborate houses and gorgeous raiment. + +Rideau Hall had two open-air skating-rinks in its own grounds, two +imposing toboggan-slides, and a covered curling-rink. The "roaring +game" is played in Canada with very heavy straight-sided iron "stones," +weighing from 50 to 60 lbs. As the ice in a covered rink can be +constantly flooded, it can be kept in the most perfect order, and with +the heavy stones far greater accuracy can be attained than with the +granite stones used in Scotland. The game becomes a sort of billiards +on ice. The Rideau Hall team consisted of Lord Lansdowne himself, +General Sir Henry Streatfield, a nephew of mine, and one of the +footmen, who seemed to have a natural gift as a curler. Our team were +invincible in 1888. At a curling-match against Montreal in 1887, a +long-distance telephone was used for the first time in Canada. Ottawa +is 120 miles distant from Montreal, and a telephone was specially +installed, and each "end" telephoned from Rideau Hall to Montreal, +where the result was shown on a board, excitement over the match +running high. Montreal proved the victors. On great occasions such as +this, the ice of the curling-rink was elaborately decorated in colours. +It was very easily done. Ready-prepared stencils, such as are used for +wall-decoration, were laid on the ice, and various coloured inks mixed +with water were poured through the stencil holes, and froze almost +immediately on to the ice below. In this fashion complicated designs of +roses, thistles and maple-leaves, all in their proper colours, could be +made in a very short time, and most effective they were until destroyed +by the first six "ends." When the Governor-General's time in Canada +expired and he was transferred to India, the curlers of Canada +presented him with a farewell address. Lord Lansdowne made, I thought, +a very happy reply. Speaking of the regret he felt at leaving Ottawa, +and at severing his many links of connection with Canada, he added +that, bearing in view the climate of Bengal, he did not anticipate much +curling in India, and that he would miss the "roaring game"; in fact, +the only "roaring game" he was likely to come in contact with would +probably take the unpleasant form of a Bengal tiger springing out at +him. Lord Lansdowne went on to say, "Let us hope that it will not +happen that your ex-Governor-General will be found, not pursuing the +roaring game, but being pursued by it." + +From skating daily, most of the Government House party became very +expert, and could perform every kind of trick upon skates. Lord and +Lady Lansdowne and their two daughters, now Duchess of Devonshire and +Lady Osborne Beauclerk, could execute the most complicated Quadrilles +and Lancers on skates, and could do the most elaborate figures. + +Once a week all Ottawa turned up at Rideau Hall to skate to the music +of a good military band. Every year in December a so-called ice-palace +was built for the band, of clear blocks of ice. Once given a design, +ice-architecture is most fascinating and very easy. Instead of mortar, +all that is required is a stream of water from a hose to freeze the +ice-blocks together, and as ice can be easily chipped into any shape, +the most fantastic pinnacles and ornaments can be contrived. Our +ice-palace was usually built in what I may call a free adaptation of +the Canado-Moresque style. A very necessary feature in the ice-palace +was the large stove for thawing the brass instruments of the band. A +moment's consideration will show that in the intense cold of a Canadian +winter, the moisture that accumulates in a brass instrument would +freeze solid, rendering the instrument useless. The bandsmen had always +to handle the brass with woollen gloves on, to prevent getting burnt. +How curious it is that the sensation of touching very hot or very cold +metal is identical, and that it produces the same effect on the human +skin! With thirty or more degrees of frost, great caution must be used +in handling skate-blades with bare fingers if burns are to be avoided. +The coldest day I have ever known was New Year's Day 1888, when the +thermometer at Ottawa registered 41 degrees below, or 73 degrees of +frost. The air was quite still, as it invariably is with great cold, +but every breath taken gave one a sensation of being pinched on the +nose, as the moisture in the nostrils froze together. + +The weekly club-dances of the Ottawa Skating Club were a pretty sight. +They were held in a covered public rink, gay with many flags, with +garlands of artificial flowers and foliage, and blazing with sizzling +arc-lights. These people, accustomed to skates from their earliest +childhood, could dance as easily and as gracefully on them as on their +feet, whilst fur-muffled mothers sat on benches round the rink, +drinking tea and coffee as unconcernedly as though they were at a +garden-party in mid-July instead of in a temperature of zero. An +"Ottawa March" was a great institution. Couples formed up as though for +a country dance, the band struck up some rollicking tune, the leader +shouted his directions, and fifty couples whirled and twirled, and +skated backwards or forwards as he ordered, going through the most +complicated evolutions, in pairs or fours or singly, joining here, +parting there, but all in perfect time. Woe betide the leader should he +lose his head! A hundred people would get tangled up in a hideous +confusion, and there was nothing for it but to begin all over again. + +It is curious that in countries like England and Prance, where from the +climatic conditions skating must be a very occasional amusement, there +is a special word for the pastime, and that in Germany and Russia, +where every winter brings its skating as a matter of course, there +should be no word for it. "Skate" in English, and patiner in French, +mean propelling oneself on iron runners over ice, and nothing else; +whereas in German there is only the clumsy compound-word +Schlittschuh-laufen, which means "to run on sledge shoes," and in +Russian it is called in equally roundabout fashion Katatsa-na-konkach, +or literally "to roll on little horses," hardly a felicitous +expression. As a rule people have no word for expressing a thing which +does not come within their own range of experience; for instance, no +one would expect that Arabs, or Somalis, or the inhabitants of the +Sahara would have any equivalent for either skating or tobogganing, nor +do I imagine that the Eskimo have any expression for "sunstroke" or +"heat-apoplexy," but one would have thought that Russians and Germans +might have evolved a word for skating. + +Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the extraordinary +difficulty he had found in translating the Bible into Eskimo. It was +useless to talk of corn or wine to a people who did not know even what +they meant, so he had to use equivalents within their powers of +comprehension. Thus in the Eskimo version of the Scriptures the miracle +of Cana of Galilee is described as turning the water into BLUBBER; the +8th verse of the 5th chapter of the First Epistle of St. Peter ran: +"Your adversary the devil, as a roaring Polar BEAR walketh about, +seeking whom he may devour." In the same way "A land flowing with milk +and honey" became "A land flowing with whale's blubber," and throughout +the New Testament the words "Lamb of God" had to be translated "little +Seal of God," as the nearest possible equivalent. The missionary added +that his converts had the lowest opinion of Jonah for not having +utilised his exceptional opportunities by killing and eating the whale. + +Fired by the example of the builders of the ice-palace on the rink at +Rideau Hall, I offered to build for the Lansdowne children an ice-hut +for their very own, a chilly domicile which they had ardently longed +for. As it is my solitary achievement as an architect, I must dwell +rather lovingly on the building of this hut. The professional +ice-cutters were bringing up daily a large supply of great gleaming +transparent blocks from the river, both for the building of the +band-house and for the summer supply of Rideau Hall, so there was no +lack of material. On the American continent one is being told so +constantly that this-and-that "will cut no ice," that it is +satisfactory to be able to report that those French-Canadians cut ice +in the most efficient fashion. My sole building implement was a kettle +of boiling water. I placed ice-blocks in a circle, pouring boiling +water between each two blocks to melt the points of contact, and in +half an hour they had frozen into one solid lump. I and a friend +proceeded like this till the ice-walls were about four feet high, +spaces being left for the door and windows. As the blocks became too +heavy to lift, we used great wads of snow in their stead, melting them +with cold water and kneading them into shape with thick woollen gloves, +and so the walls rose. I wanted a snow roof; had we been mediaeval +cathedral builders we might possibly have fashioned a groined and +vaulted snow roof, with ice ribs, but being amateurs, our roof +perpetually collapsed, so we finally roofed the hut with +grooved-and-tongued boards, cutting a hole through them for the +chimney. We then built a brick fire-place, with mantelpiece complete, +ending in an iron chimney. The windows were our great triumph. I filled +large japanned tea-trays two inches deep with water and left them out +to freeze. Then we placed the trays in a hot bath and floated the +sheets of ice off. They broke time and time again, but after about the +twentieth try we succeeded in producing two great sheets of transparent +ice which were fitted into the window-spaces, and firmly cemented in +place with wet snow. Then the completed hut had to be furnished. A +carpenter in Ottawa made me a little dresser, a little table, and +little chairs of plain deal; I bought some cooking utensils, some +enamelled-iron tea-things and plates, and found in Ottawa some crude +oleographs printed on oil-cloth and impervious to damp. These were duly +hung on the snow walls of the hut, and the little girls worked some red +Turkey-twill curtains for the ice windows, and a frill for the +mantelpiece in orthodox south of England cottage style. The boys made a +winding tunnel through the snow-drifts up to the door of the hut, and +Nature did the rest, burying the hut in snow until its very existence +was unsuspected by strangers, though it may be unusual to see clouds of +wood-smoke issuing from an apparent snow-drift. That little house stood +for over three months; it afforded the utmost joy to its youthful +occupiers, and I confess that I took a great paternal pride in it +myself. Really at night, with the red curtains drawn over the ice +windows, with the pictures on its snow walls, a lamp alight and a +roaring log fire blazing on the brick hearth, it was the most +invitingly cosy little place. It is true that with the heat the snow +walls perspired freely, and the roof was apt to drip like a fat man in +August, but it was considered tactful to ignore these details. Here the +children entertained their friends at tea-parties, and made hideous +juvenile experiments in cookery; here, too, "Jerusalem the Golden" was +prepared. It was a simple operation; milk and honey were thoroughly +mixed in a bowl, the bowl was put out to freeze, and the frozen mass +dipped into hot water to loosen it; "Jerusalem the Golden" was then +broken up small, and the toothsome chips eagerly devoured. Those +familiar with the hymn will at once understand the allusion. + +Sir John Macdonald, the Prime Minister, was very often at Government +House, and dined there perpetually. When at the Petrograd Embassy, I +was constantly hearing of Sir John from my chief, Lord Dufferin, who +had an immense admiration for him, and considered him the maker of the +Dominion, and a really great statesman. I was naturally anxious to meet +a man of whom I had heard so much. "John A.," as he was universally +known in Canada, had a very engaging personality, and conveyed an +impression of having an enormous reserve of latent force behind his +genial manner. Facially he was reminiscent of Lord Beaconsfield, but +there was nothing very striking about him as an orator: his style was +direct and straightforward. + +The Houses of Parliament at Ottawa are a splendid pile of buildings, +and though they may owe a great deal to the wonderful site they occupy +on a semicircular wooded bluff projecting into the river, I should +consider them one of the most successful group of buildings erected +anywhere during the nineteenth century. All the details might not bear +close examination, but the general effect was admirable, especially +that of the great circular library, with its conical roof. In addition +to the Legislative Chambers proper, two flanking buildings in the same +style housed various Administrative departments. Seen from Rideau Hall +in dark silhouette against the sunset sky, the bold outline of the +conical roof of the library and the three tall towers flanking it gave +a sort of picturesque Nuremberg effect to the distant view of Ottawa, +The Parliament buildings proper were destroyed by an incendiary during +the war, but the library and wings escaped. + +Everything in the House of Commons was modelled accurately on +Westminster. The Canadian Parliament being bi-lingual, French members +addressed the Speaker as "Monsieur l'Orateur," and the Usher of the +Black Rod of the Senate became "l'Huissier de la Verge Noire." To my +mind there was something intensely comical in addressing a man who +seldom opened his mouth except to cry, "Order, order," as "Monsieur +l'Orateur." A Frenchman from the Province of Quebec seems always to be +chosen as Canadian Speaker. In my time he was a M. Ouiment, the +TWENTY-FIRST child of the same parents, so French Canadians are +apparently not threatened with extinction. I heard in the House of +Commons at Ottawa the most curious peroration I have ever listened to. +It came from the late Nicholas Flood Davin, a member of Irish +extraction who sat for a Far-Western constituency. The House was +debating a dull Bill relating to the lumber industry, when Davin, who +may possibly have been under the influence of temporary excitement, +insisted on speaking. He made a long and absolutely irrelevant speech +in a voice of thunder, and finished with these words, every one of +which I remember: "There are some who declare that Canada's trade is +declining; there are some who maintain that the rich glow of health +which at present mantles o'er Canada's virgin cheek will soon be +replaced by the pallid hues of the corpse. To such pusillanimous +propagandists of a preposterous pessimism, I answer, Mr. Speaker with +all confidence, never! never!" As a rhetorical effort this is striking, +though there seems a lack of lucidity about it. + +In the Canadian House of Commons there are a number of little pages who +run errands for members, and fetch them books and papers. These boys +sit on the steps of the Speaker's chair, and when the House adjourns +for dinner the pages hold a "Pages' Parliament." One boy, elected by +the others as Speaker, puts on a gown and seats himself in the +Speaker's chair; the "Prime Minister" and the members of the Government +sit on the Government benches, the Leader of the Opposition with his +supporters take their places opposite and the boys hold regular +debates. Many of the members took great interest in the "Pages' +Parliament," and coached the boys for their debates. I have seen Sir +John Macdonald giving the fourteen-year-old "Premier" points for his +speech that evening. + +All-night sittings were far rarer at Ottawa than with us, and +constituted quite an event. Some of us went into the gallery at 5 a.m. +after a dance, to see the end of a long and stormy sitting. The House +was very uproarious. Some member had brought in a cricket-ball, and +they were throwing each other catches across the House. To the credit +of Canadian M.P.'s, I must say that we never saw a single catch missed. +When Sir John rose to close the debate, there were loud cries of, "You +have talked enough, John A. Give us a song instead." "All right," cried +Sir John, "I will give you 'God save the Queen.'" And he forthwith +started it in a lusty voice, all the members joining in. The +introduction of a cricket-ball might brighten all-night sittings in our +own Parliament, though somehow I cannot quite picture to myself Mr. +Asquith throwing catches to Sir Frederick Banbury across the floor of +the House of Commons. + +I was once in the gallery of the South African Parliament at Capetown, +after the House had been sitting continuously for twenty hours. The +Speaker had had a stool brought him to rest his legs on, and was fast +asleep in his chair, with his wig all awry. Dutch farmer members from +the Back-Veld were stretched out at full length on the benches in the +lobbies, snoring loudly; in fact, the whole place was a sort of +Parliamentary Pullman Sleeping-car. That splendid man, the late General +Botha, told me that late hours in Parliament upset him terribly, as he +had been used all his life to going early to bed. Though the exterior +of the Capetown Parliament buildings is nothing very wonderful +architecturally, the interior is very handsome, and quite surprisingly +spacious. + +The Governor-General gave two evening skating and tobaggoning parties +at Rideau Hall every winter. He termed these gatherings his "Arctic +Cremornes," after the then recently defunct gardens in London, and the +parties were wonderfully picturesque. In those days, though the fashion +now has quite disappeared, all members of snow-shoe and tobogganing +clubs, men and women alike, wore coloured blanket-suits consisting of +knickerbockers and long coats, with bright-coloured stockings, sash, +and knitted toque (invariably pronounced "tuke"). The club colours of +course varied. Rideau Hall was white with purple stockings and "tuke," +and red sash. Others were sky-blue, with scarlet stockings and "tuke," +or crimson and black, or brown and green. A collection of three hundred +people in blanket-suits gave the effect of a peripatetic rainbow +against the white snow. For the "Arctic Cremorne" the rinks were all +fringed with coloured fairy-lamps; the curling-rink and the tea-room +above it were also outlined with innumerable coloured electric bulbs, +and festoons of Japanese lanterns were stretched between the fir trees +in all directions. At the top of the toboggan slides powerful arc-lamps +blazed, and a stupendous bonfire roared on a little eminence. The +effect was indescribably pretty, and it was pleasant to reflect how man +had triumphed over Nature in being able to give an outdoor evening +party in mid-winter with the thermometer below zero. The gleaming +crystals of snow reflecting the coloured lamps; the Bengal lights +staining the white expanse crimson and green, and silhouetting the +outlines of the fir trees in dead black against the burnished steel of +the sky; the crowd of guests in their many-coloured blanket-suits, made +a singularly attractive picture, with a note of absolute novelty in it; +and the crash of the military band, the merry whirr of the skates, and +the roar of the descending toboggans had something extraordinarily +exhilarating about them in the keen, pure air. The supper-room always +struck me as being pleasingly unconventional. Supper was served in the +long, covered curling-rink, where the temperature was the same as that +of the open air outside, so there was a long table elaborately set out +with silver-branched candlesticks and all the Governor-General's fine +collection of plate, but the servants waited in heavy fur-coats and +caps. Of course no flowers could be used in that temperature, so the +silver vases held branches of spruce, hemlock, and other Canadian firs. +The French cook had to be very careful as to what dishes he prepared, +for anything with moisture in it would freeze at once; meringues, for +instance, would be frozen into uneatable cricket-balls, and tea, +coffee, and soup had to simmer perpetually over lamps. One so seldom +has a ball-supper with North Pole surroundings. We had a serious +toboggan accident one night owing to the stupidity of an old Senator, +who insisted on standing in the middle of the track, and the +Aides-de-Camps' room was converted into an operating theatre, and +reeked with the fumes of chloroform. The young man had bad concussion, +and was obliged to remain a week at Rideau Hall, whilst the poor girl +was disfigured for life. + +Whilst on the subject of ball-suppers, there was a curious custom +prevailing in Lisbon. Most Portuguese having very limited means, it was +not usual to offer any refreshments whatever to guests at dances; but +when it was done, it took the form of a "tooth-pick-supper" (souper aux +curedents). Small pieces of chicken, tongue, or beef were piled on +plates, each piece skewered with a wooden toothpick. The guests picked +these off the plate by the toothpick, and nibbled the meat away from +it, eating it with slices of bread. This obviated the use of plates, +knives and forks, most Portuguese families having neither sufficient +silver table-plate for an entertainment nor the means to hire any. +There was another reason for this quaint custom. Some Portuguese +are--how shall we put it?--inveterate souvenir-hunters. The Duke of +Palmella, one of the few rich men in Portugal, gave a ball whilst I was +in Lisbon at which the supper was served in the ordinary fashion, with +plates, spoons, knives and forks. It was a matter of common knowledge +in Lisbon that 50 per cent. of the ducal silver spoons and forks had +left the house in the pockets of his Grace's guests, who doubtless +wished to preserve a slight memento of so pleasant an evening. + +In a certain Balkan State which I will refrain from naming, the +inhabitants are also confirmed souvenir-hunters. At a dinner-party at +the British Legation in this nameless State, one of the Diplomatic +ladies was wearing a very fine necklace of pearls and enamel. A native +of the State admired this necklace immensely, and begged for permission +to examine it closer. The Diplomat's wife very unwisely unfastened her +pearl necklace, and it was passed around from hand to hand, amidst loud +expressions of admiration at its beautiful workmanship. At the end of +dinner the Diplomatic lady requested that her necklace might be +returned to her, but it was not forthcoming; no one knew anything about +it. The British Minister, who thought that he understood the people of +the country, rose to the occasion. Getting up from his chair, he said +with a smile, "We have just witnessed a very clever and very amusing +piece of legerdemain. Now we are going to see another little piece of +conjuring." The Minister walked quietly to both doors of the room, +locked them, and put the keys in his pocket. He then placed a small +silver bowl from the side-board in the centre of the dinner-table, and +continued: "I am now going to switch off all the lights, and to count +ten slowly. When I have reached ten, I shall turn on the lights again, +and hey presto! Madame de--'s necklace will be found lying in that +silver bowl!" The room became plunged in darkness, and the Minister +counted slowly up to ten. The electric light blazed out again, there +was no necklace, but the silver bowl had vanished! + +I have enjoyed the exceptional experience of having inspected many +convents in Canada, even those of the most strictly cloistered Orders. +By long-established custom, the Governor-General's wife has the right +to inspect any convent in Canada on giving twenty-four hours' notice, +and she may take with her any two persons she chooses, of either sex. +My sister was fond of visiting convents, and she often took me with her +as I could speak French. We have thus been in convents of Ursulines, +Poor Clares, Grey Sisters, and in some of those of the more strictly +cloistered Orders. The procedure was always the same. We were ushered +into a beautifully clean, bare, whitewashed parloir, with a highly +polished floor redolent of beeswax. There would be hard benches running +round the parloir, raised on a platform, much after the fashion of +raised benches in a billiard-room. In the centre would be a chair for +the Reverend Mother. We then made polite conversation for a few +minutes, after which coffee (usually compounded of scorched beans, with +no relation whatever to "Coffea Arabica") was handed to us, and we went +over the convent. It was extremely difficult for two Protestants to +find any subject of conversation which could interest a Mother Superior +who knew nothing of the world outside her convent walls, nor was it +easy to find any common ground on which to meet her, all religious +topics being necessarily excluded, I had noticed that the nuns made +frequent allusions to a certain Marie Alacoque. Misled by the +similarity of the sound in French, I, in my ignorance, thought that +this referred to a method of cooking eggs. I learnt later that Marie +Alacoque was a French nun who lived in the seventeenth century, and I +discovered why her memory was so revered by her co-religionists. It was +easy to get a book from the Ottawa Library and to read her up, and +after that conversation became less difficult, for a few remarks about +Marie Alacoque were always appreciated in conventual circles. The +convents were invariably neat and clean, but I was perpetually struck +by the wax-like pallor of the inmates. The elder nuns in the strictly +cloistered Orders were as excited as children over this unexpected +irruption into their convent of two strangers from the world outside, +which they had left for so long. They struck me as most excellent, +earnest women, and they delighted in exhibiting all their treasures, +including the ecclesiastical vestments and their Church plate. They +always made a point of showing us, as an object of great interest, the +flat candlestick of bougie that the Cardinal-Archbishop had used when +he had last celebrated Pontifical High Mass in their chapel. In one +strictly cloistered convent there was a high wooden trellis across the +chapel, so that though the nuns could see the priest at the altar +through the trellis-work, he was unable to see them. In the Convent of +the Grey Sisters at Ottawa we found an old English nun who, in spite of +having spent thirty-five years in a French-Canadian convent, still +retained the strong Cockney accent of her native London. She was a +cheery old soul, and, with another old English nun, had charge of the +wardrobe, which they insisted on showing me. I was gazing at piles of +clothing neatly arranged on shelves, when the old Cockney nun clapped +her hands. "We will dress you up as a Sister," she cried, and they +promptly proceeded to do so. They put me on a habit (largest size) over +my other clothes, chuckling with glee meanwhile, and I was duly draped +in the guimpe, the piece of linen which covers a nun's head and +shoulders and frames her face, called, I believe, in English a +"wimple," and my toilet was complete except for my veil, when, by a +piece of real bad luck, the Reverend Mother and my sister came into the +room. We had no time to hide, so we were caught. Having no moustache, I +flattered myself that I made rather a saintly-looking novice, and I hid +my hands in the orthodox way in my sleeves, but the Mother Superior was +evidently very much put out. The clothes that had come in contact with +my heretical person were ordered to be placed on one side, I presume to +be morally disinfected, and I can only trust that the two old nuns did +not get into serious trouble over their little joke. I am sorry that my +toilet was not completed; I should like to have felt that just for once +in my life I had taken the veil, if for five minutes only. + +In the "eighties" the city of Montreal spent large sums over their +Winter Carnival. It attracted crowds of strangers, principally from the +United States, and it certainly stimulated the retail trade of the +city. The Governor-General was in the habit of taking a house in +Montreal for the Carnival, and my brother-in-law was lent the home of a +hospitable sugar magnate. The dining-room of this house, in which its +owner had allowed full play to his Oriental imagination and love of +colour, was so singular that it merits a few words of description. The +room was square, with a domed ceiling. It was panelled in polished +satinwood to a height of about five feet. Above the panelling were +placed twelve owls in carved and silvered wood, each one about two feet +high, supporting gas-standards. Rose-coloured silk was stretched from +the panelling up to the heavy frieze, consisting of "swags" of fruit +and foliage modelled in high relief, and brilliantly coloured in their +natural hues. The domed ceiling was painted sky-blue, covered with +golden stars, gold and silver suns and moons, and the signs of the +Zodiac. I may add that the effect of this curious apartment was not +such as to warrant any one trying to reproduce it. The house also +contained a white marble swimming bath; an unnecessary adjunct, I +should have thought, to a dwelling built for winter occupation in +Montreal. + +The Ice-Castle erected by the Municipality was really a joy to the eye. +It was rather larger than, say, the Westminster Guildhall, and had a +tower eighty feet high. It was an admirable reproduction of a Gothic +castle, designed and built by a competent architect, with barbican, +battlements, and machiocolaions all complete, the whole of gleaming, +transparent ice-blocks, a genuine thing of beauty. One of the principal +events of the Carnival was the storming of the Ice-Castle by the +snow-shoe clubs of Montreal. Hundreds of snow-shoers, in their +rainbow-hued blanket suits, advanced in line on the castle and fired +thousands of Roman candles at their objective, which returned the fire +with rockets innumerable, and an elaborate display of fireworks, +burning continually Bengal lights of various colours within its +translucent walls, and spouting gold and silver rain on its assailants. +It really was a gorgeous feast of colour for the eye, a most entrancing +spectacle, with all this polychrome glow seen against the dead-white +field of snow which covered Dominion Square, in the crystal clearness +of a Canadian winter night, with the thermometer down anywhere. + +Another annual feature of the Carnival was the great fancy-dress +skating fete in the covered rink. The Victoria Rink at Montreal is a +huge building, and was profusely decorated for the occasion with the +usual flags, wreaths of artificial foliage, and coloured lamps. An +American sculptor had modelled six colossal groups of statuary out of +wet snow, and these were ranged down either side of the rink. As they +froze, they took on the appearance and texture of white marble, and +were very effective. Round a cluster of arc-lights in the roof there +was a sort of revolving cage of different coloured panes of glass; +these threw variegated beams of light over the brilliant kaleidoscopic +crowd below. Previous Governors-General had, in opening the fete +shuffled shamefacedly down the centre of the rink in overshoes and fur +coats to the dais, but Lord and Lady Lansdowne, being both expert +skaters, determined to do the thing in proper Carnival style, and +arrived in fancy dress, he in black as a Duke of Brunswick, she as Mary +Queen of Scots, attended by her two boys, then twelve and fourteen +years old, as pages, resplendent in crimson tights and crimson velvet. +The band struck up "God Save the Queen," and down the cleared space in +the centre skimmed, hand-in-hand, the Duke of Brunswick and Mary Queen +of Scots, with the two pages carrying her train, all four executing a +"Dutch roll" in the most workman-like manner. It was really a very +effective entrance, and was immensely appreciated by the crowd of +skaters present. I represented a Shakespearean character, and had +occasion to note what very inadequate protection is afforded by blue +silk tights, with nothing under them, against the cold of a Canadian +February. One of the Aides-de-Camp had arrayed himself in white silk as +Romeo; being only just out from England, he was anything but firm on +his skates. Some malicious young Montrealers of tender age, noticing +this, deliberately bumped into him again and again, sending his +conspicuous white figure spinning each time. Poor Romeo's experiences +were no more fortunate on the rink than in the tragedy associated with +his name; by the end of the evening, after his many tumbles, his +draggled white silk dress suggested irresistibly the plumage of a +soiled dove. + +A hill (locally known as "The Mountain") rises immediately behind +Montreal, the original Mont Real, or Mount Royal, from which the city +derives its name. This naturally lends itself to the formation of +toboggan slides, and one of them, the "Montreal Club Slide," was really +terrifically steep. The start was precipitous enough, in all +conscience, but soon came a steep drop of sixty feet, at which point +all the working parts of one's anatomy seemed to leave one, to replace +themselves at the finish only. The pace was so tremendous that it was +difficult to breathe, but it was immensely exciting. The Montreal slide +was just one-third of a mile long, and the time occupied in the descent +on good ice was about twenty seconds, working out at sixty miles an +hour. Every precaution was taken against accidents; there was a +telephone from the far end, and no toboggan was allowed to start until +"track clear" had been signalled. Everything in this world is relative. +We had thought our Ottawa slides very fast, though the greatest speed +we ever attained was about thirty miles an hour, whilst at home we had +been delighted if we could coax fifteen miles an hour out of our rough +machines. The Lansdowne boys were very expert on toboggans, and could +go down the Ottawa slides standing erect, a thing no adult could +possibly manage. They had fitted their machines with gong-bells and red +and green lanterns, and the "Ottawa River Express" would come whizzing +down at night with bells clanging and lights gleaming. + +I can claim to be the absolute pioneer of ski on the American +continent, for in January, 1887, I brought my Russian ski to Ottawa, +the very first pair that had ever been seen in the New World. I coasted +down hills on them amidst universal jeers; every one declared that they +were quite unsuited to Canadian conditions. The old-fashioned raquettes +had their advantages, for one could walk over the softest snow in them. +Here, again, I fancy that it was the sense of man triumphant over +Nature that made snow-shoeing so attractive. The Canadian snow-shoe +brings certain unaccustomed muscles into play, and these muscles show +their resentment by aching furiously. The French habitants term this +pain mal de raquettes. In my time snow-shoe tramps at night, +across-country into the woods, were one of the standard winter +amusements of Ottawa, and the girls showed great dexterity in vaulting +fences with their snow-shoes on. + +A Canadian winter is bathed in sunshine. In the dry, crisp atmosphere +distant objects are as clear-cut and hard as though they were carved +out of wood; the air is like wine, and with every breath human beings +seem to enter on a new lease of life. + +It is not so in the lower world. There is not a bird to be seen, for no +bird could secure a living with three feet of snow on the ground. +Nature is very dead, and I understood the glee with which the children +used to announce the return of the crows, for these wise birds are the +unfailing harbingers of Spring. With us Spring is undecided, fickle, +and coy. She is not sure of herself, and after making timid, tentative +advances, retreats again, uncertain as to her ability to cope with grim +Winter. In Canada, Spring comes with an all-conquering rush. In one +short fortnight she clothes the trees in green, and carpets the ground +with blue and white hepaticas. She is also, unfortunately, accompanied +by myriads of self-appointed official maids-of-honour in the shape of +mosquitoes, anxious to make up for their long winter fast. As the +fierce suns of April melt the surface snow, the water percolates +through to the ground, where it freezes again, forming a sheet of what +Canadians term "glare-ice." I have seen at Rideau Hall this ice split +in all directions over the flower-beds by the first tender shoots of +the crocuses. How these fragile little spears of green have the power +to penetrate an inch of ice is one of the mysteries of Nature. + +Would space admit of it, and were paper not such an unreasonably +expensive commodity just now, I would like to speak of the glories of a +Canadian wood in May, with the ground flecked with red and white +trilliums; of the fields in British Columbia, gorgeous in spring-time +with blue lilies and drifts of rose-coloured cyclamens; of the autumn +woods in their sumptuous dress of scarlet, crimson, orange, and yellow, +the sugar-maples blazing like torches against the dark firs; of the +marvels of the three ranges of the Rockies, Selkirks, and Cascades, and +of the other wonders of the great Dominion. + +As boys, I and my youngest brother knew "Hiawatha's Fishing" almost by +heart, so I had an intense desire to see "Gitche Gumee, the Big-Sea +Water," which we more prosaically call Lake Superior, the home of the +sturgeon "Nahma," of "Ugudwash" the sun-fish, of the pike the +"Maskenozha," and the actual scene of Hiawatha's fishing. To others, +without this sentimental interest, the Great Lakes might appear vast +but uninteresting expanses of water, chiefly remarkable for the hideous +form of vessel which has been evolved to navigate their clear depths. + +One thing I can say with confidence. No one who makes a winter journey +to that land of sunshine and snow, with its energetic, pleasant, and +hospitable inhabitants, will ever regret it, and the wayfarer will +return home with the consciousness of having been in contact with an +intensely virile race, only now beginning to realise its own strength. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +Calcutta--Hooghly pilots--Government House--A Durbar--The sulky +Rajah--The customary formalities--An ingenious interpreter--The sailing +clippers in the Hooghly-Calcutta Cathedral--A succulent banquet--The +mistaken Ministre--The "Gordons"--Barrackpore--A Swiss Family Robinson +aerial house--The child and the elephants--The merry midshipmen--Some +of their escapades--A huge haul of fishes--Queen Victoria and +Hindustani--The Hills--The Manipur outbreak--A riding tour--A wise old +Anglo-Indian--Incidents--The fidelity of native servants--A novel +printing-press--Lucknow--The loss of an illusion. + + +Lord Lansdowne had in 1888 been transferred from Canada to India, and +in May of that year he left Ottawa for Calcutta, taking on the way a +three months' well-earned holiday in England. Two of his staff +accompanied him from the vigorous young West to the immemorially old +East. + +He succeeded as Viceroy Lord Dufferin, who had also held the +appointment of Governor-General of Canada up to 1878, after which he +had served as British Ambassador both at Petrograd and at +Constantinople, before proceeding to India in 1884. + +Lord Minto, too, in later years filled both positions, serving in +Canada from 1898 to 1904, and in India from 1905 to 1910. + +Whether in 1690 Job Charnock made a wise selection in fixing his +trading-station where Calcutta now stands, may be open to doubt. He +certainly had the broad Hooghly at his doors, affording plenty of water +not only for trading-vessels, but also for men-of-war in cases of +emergency. Still, from the swampy nature of the soil, and its proximity +to the great marshes of the Sunderbunds, Calcutta could never be a +really healthy place. An arrival by water up the Hooghly unquestionably +gives the most favourable impression of the Indian ex-capital, though +the river banks are flat and uninteresting. The Hooghly is one of the +most difficult rivers in the world to navigate, for the shoals and +sand-banks change almost daily with the strong tides, and the white +Hooghly pilots are men at the very top of their profession, and earn +some L2000 a year apiece. They are tremendous swells, and are perfectly +conscious of the fact, coming on board with their native servants and +their white "cub" or pupil. There is one shoal in particular, known as +the "James and Mary," on which a ship, touching ever so lightly, is as +good as lost. Calcutta, since I first knew it, has become a great +manufacturing centre. Lines of factories stand for over twenty miles +thick on the left bank of the river; the great pall of black smoke +hanging over the city is visible for miles, and the atmosphere is +beginning to rival that of Manchester. Long use has accustomed us to +the smoke-blackened elms and limes of London, but there is something +peculiarly pathetic in the sight of a grimy, sooty palm tree. + +The outward aspect of the stately Government House at Calcutta is +familiar to most people. It is a huge and imposing edifice, but when I +first knew it, its interior was very plain, and rather bare. Lady Minto +changed all this during her husband's Vice-royalty, and, with her +wonderful taste, transformed it into a sort of Italian palace at a very +small cost. She bought in Europe a few fine specimens of old Italian +gilt furniture, and had them copied in Calcutta by native workmen. In +the East, the Oriental point of view must be studied, and Easterns +attach immense importance to external splendour. The throne-room at +Calcutta, under Lady Minto's skilful treatment, became gorgeous enough +for the most exacting Asiatic, with its black marble floor, its +rose-coloured silk walls where great silver sconces alternated with +full-length portraits of British sovereigns, its white "chunam" columns +and its gilt Italian furniture. "Chunam" has been used in India from +time immemorial for decorative purposes. It is as white as snow and +harder than any stone, and is, I believe, made from calcined shells. +Let us suppose a Durbar held in this renovated throne-room for the +official reception of a native Indian Prince. The particular occasion I +have in mind was long after Lord Lansdowne's time, when a certain +Rajah, notoriously ill-disposed towards the British Raj, had been given +the strongest of hints that unless he mended his ways, he might find +another ruler placed on the throne of his State. He was also +recommended to come to Calcutta and to pay his respects to the Viceroy +there, when, of course, he would be received with the number of guns to +which he was entitled. The Indian Princes attach the utmost importance +to the number of guns they are given as a salute, a number which varies +from twenty-one in the case of the Nizam of Hyderabad, who alone ranks +as a Sovereign, to nine for the smaller princes. Should the British +Government wish to mark its strong displeasure with any native ruler, +it sometimes does so by reducing the number of guns of his salute, and +correspondingly, to have the number increased is a high honour. Sulkily +and unwillingly the Rajah of whom I am thinking journeyed to Calcutta, +and sulkily and unwillingly did he attend the Durbar. On occasions such +as these, visiting native Princes are the guests of the Government of +India at Hastings House (Warren Hastings' old country house in the +suburbs of Calcutta, specially renovated and fitted up for the +purpose), and the Viceroy's state carriages are sent to convey them to +Government House. Everything in the way of ceremonial in India is done +strictly by rule. The precise number of steps the Viceroy will advance +to greet visiting Rajahs is all laid down in a little book. The Nizam +of Hyderabad is met by the Viceroy with all his staff at the state +entrance of Government House, and he is accompanied through all the +rooms, both on his arrival and on his departure; but, as I said before, +the Nizam ranks as a Sovereign. In the case of lesser lights the +Viceroy advances anything from three to twenty steps. These points may +appear very trivial to Europeans, but to Orientals they assume great +importance, and, after all, India is a part of Asia. At right angles to +the Calcutta throne-room is the fine Marble Hall, with marble floor and +columns and an entirely gilt ceiling; empty except for six colossal +busts of Roman Emperors, which, together with a number of splendid +cut-glass chandeliers of the best French Louis XV. period, and a +full-length portrait of Louis XV. himself, fell into our hands through +the fortunes of war at a time when our relations with our present film +ally, France, were possibly less cordial than at present. For a Durbar +a long line of red carpet was laid from the throne-room, through the +Marble Hall and the White Hall beyond it, right down the great flight +of exterior steps, at the foot of which a white Guard of Honour of one +hundred men from a British regiment was drawn up, Aligned through the +outer hall, the Marble Hall and the throne-room were one hundred men of +the Viceroy's Bodyguard, splendid fellows chosen for their height and +appearance, and all from Northern India. They wore the white leather +breeches and jack-boots of our own Life Guards, with scarlet tunics and +huge turbans of blue and gold, standing with their lances as motionless +as so many bronze statues. For a Durbar, many precious things were +unearthed from the "Tosha-Khana," or Treasury: the Viceroy's +silver-gilt throne; an arm-chair of solid silver for the visiting +Rajah; great silver-gilt maces bearing & crown and "V.R.I."; and, above +all, the beautiful Durbar carpets of woven gold wire. The making of +these carpets is, I believe, an hereditary trade in a Benares family; +they are woven of real gold wire, heavily embroidered in gold +afterwards, and are immensely expensive. The visiting Rajah announces +beforehand the number of the suite he is bringing with him, and the +Viceroy has a precisely similar number, so two corresponding rows of +cane arm-chairs are placed opposite each other, at right angles to the +throne. Behind the chairs twelve resplendent red-and-gold-coated +servants with blue-and-silver turbans, hold the gilt maces aloft, +whilst behind the throne eight more gorgeously apparelled natives hold +two long-handled fans of peacock's feathers, two silver-mounted yak's +tails, and two massive sheaves of peacock's feathers, all these being +the Eastern emblems of sovereignty. + +We will suppose this particular Rajah to be a "nine-gun" and a +"three-step" man. Bang go the cannon from Fort William nine times, and +the Viceroy, in full uniform with decorations, duly advances three +steps on the gold carpet to greet his visitor. The Viceroy seats +himself on his silver-gilt throne at the top of the three steps, the +visiting Rajah in his silver chair being one step lower. The two suites +seat themselves facing each other in dead silence; the Europeans +assuming an absolutely Oriental impassivity of countenance. The +ill-conditioned Rajah, though he spoke English perfectly, had insisted +on bringing his own interpreter with him. A long pause in conformity +with Oriental etiquette follows, then the Viceroy puts the first +invariable question: "I trust that your Highness is in the enjoyment of +good health?" which is duly repeated in Urdu by the official white +interpreter. The sulky Rajah grunts something that sounds like "Bhirrr +Whirrr," which the native interpreter renders, in clipped staccato +English, as "His Highness declares that by your Excellency's favour his +health is excellent. Lately, owing to attack of fever, it was with His +Highness what Immortal Bard has termed a case of 'to be or not to be!' +Now, danger happily averted, His Highness has seldom reposed under the +canopy of a sounder brain than at present." Another long pause, and the +second invariable question: "I trust that your Highness' Army is in its +usual efficient state?" The surly Rajah, "Khirr Virr." The native +interpreter, "Without doubt His Highness' Army has never yet been so +efficient. Should troubles arise, or a pretty kettle of fish +unfortunately occur, His Highness places his entire Army at your +Excellency's disposal; as Swan of Avon says, 'Come the three corners of +the world in arms, and we shall shock them.'" A third question, "I +trust that the crops in your Highness' dominion are satisfactory?" The +Rajah, "Ghirrr Firrr." The interpreter, "Stimulated without doubt by +your Excellency's auspicious visit to neighbouring State, the soil in +His Highness' dominions has determined to beat record and to go regular +mucker. Crops tenfold ordinary capacity are springing from the ground +everywhere." One has seen a conjurer produce half a roomful of paper +flowers from a hat, or even from an even less promising receptacle, but +no conjurer was in it with that interpreter, who from two sulky +monosyllabic grunts evolved a perfect garland of choice Oriental +flowers of speech. It reminded me of the process known in newspaper +offices as "expanding" a telegram. When the customary number of formal +questions have been put, the Viceroy makes a sign to his Military +Secretary, who brings him a gold tray on which stand a little gold +flask and a small box; the traditional "Attar and pan." The Viceroy +sprinkles a few drops of attar of roses on the Rajah's clothing from +the gold flask, and hands him a piece of betel-nut wrapped in gold +paper, known as "pan." This is the courteous Eastern fashion of saying +"Now I bid you good-bye." The Military Secretary performs a like office +to the members of the Rajah's suite, who, however, have to content +themselves with attar sprinkled from a silver bottle and "pans" wrapped +in silver paper. Then all the traditional requirements of Oriental +politeness have been fulfilled, and the Rajah takes his leave with the +same ceremonies as attended his arrival. At the beginning of a Durbar +"tribute" is presented--that is to say that a folded napkin supposed to +contain one thousand gold mohurs is handed to the Viceroy, who "touches +it and remits it." I have often wondered what that folded napkin really +contained. + +When I first knew Calcutta, most of the grain, jute, hemp and indigo +exported was carried to its various destinations in sailing-ships, and +there were rows and rows of splendid full-rigged ships and barques +lying moored in the Hooghly along the whole length of the Maidan. The +line must have extended for two miles, and I never tired of looking at +these beautiful vessels with their graceful lines and huge spars, all +clean and spick and span with green and white paint, the ubiquitous +Calcutta crows perched in serried ranks on their yards. To my mind a +full-rigged ship is the most beautiful object man has ever devised, and +when the dusk was falling, with every spar and rope outlined in black +against the vivid crimson of the short-lived Indian sunset, the long +line of shipping made a glorious picture. Nineteen years later every +sailing-ship had disappeared from the Hooghly, and in their place were +rows of unsightly, rusty-sided iron tanks, with squat polemasts and +ugly funnels vomiting black smoke. A tramp-steamer has its uses, no +doubt, but it is hardly a thing of beauty. Ichabod! Ichabod! + +Calcutta is fortunate in having so fine a lung as the great stretch of +the Maidan. It has been admirably planted and laid out, with every palm +of tree of aggressively Indian appearance carefully excluded from its +green expanse, so it wears a curiously home-like appearance. The Maidan +is very reminiscent of Hyde Park, though almost double its size. There +is one spot, where the Gothic spire of the cathedral emerges from a +mass of greenery, with a large sheet of water in the foreground, which +recalls exactly the view over Bayswater from the bridge spanning the +Serpentine. + +Considering that Calcutta Cathedral was built in 1840; that it was +designed by an Engineer officer, and not by an architect; that its +"Gothic" is composed of cast-iron and stucco instead of stone, it is +really not such a bad building. The great size of its interior gives it +a certain dignity, and owing to the generosity of the European +community, it is most lavishly adorned with marbles, mosaics, and +stained glass. It possesses the finest organ in Asia, and a really +excellent choir, the men Europeans, the boys being Eurasians. These +small half-castes have very sweet voices, with a curious and not +unpleasing metallic timbre about them. At evening service in the +cathedral, should one ignore such details as the rows of electric +punkahs, the temperature, and the dingy complexions of the choir-boys, +it was almost impossible to realise that one was not in England. I had +been used to singing in a church choir, and it was pleasant to hear +such familiar cathedral services as Garrett in D, Smart in F, Walmisley +in D minor, and Hopkins in F, so perfectly rendered seven thousand +miles away from home, thanks to that excellent musician, Dr. Slater, +the cathedral organist. + +St. Andrew's Scottish Presbyterian Church stands in its own wooded +grounds in which there are two large ponds, or, as Anglo-Indians would +put it, it stands in a compound with large tanks. The church is +consequently infested with mosquitoes. The last time that I was in +Calcutta, the Gordon Highlanders had just relieved an English regiment +in the fort, and on the first Sunday after their arrival, four hundred +Gordons were marched to a parade service at St. Andrew's. The most +optimistic mosquito had never in his wildest dreams imagined such a +succulent banquet as that afforded by four hundred bare-kneed, kilted +Highlanders, and the mosquitoes made the fullest use of their unique +opportunity. Soon the church resounded with the vigorous slapping of +hands on bare knees and thighs, as the men endeavoured to kill a few of +their little tormentors. The minister, hearing the loud clapping, but +entirely misapprehending its purport, paused in his sermon, and said, +"My brethren, it is varra gratifying to a minister of the Word to learn +that his remarks meet with the approbation of his hearers, but I'd have +you remember that all applause is strictly oot of place in the Hoose of +God." + +The Gordon Highlanders were originally raised by my great-grandfather, +the fourth Duke of Gordon, in 1794, or perhaps more accurately, by my +great-grandmother, Jean, the beautiful Duchess of Gordon. Duchess Jean, +then in the height of her beauty, attended every market in the towns +round Gordon Castle, and kissed every recruit who took the guinea she +offered. The French Republic had declared war on Great Britain in 1793, +and the Government had made an urgent appeal for fresh levies of +troops. Duchess Jean, by her novel osculatory methods, raised the +Gordons in four months. My father and mother were married at Gordon +Castle in 1832, and the wedding guests grew so excessively convivial +that they carried everything on the tables at the wedding breakfast, +silver plate, glass, china, and all, down to the bridge at Fochabers, +and threw them into the Spey. We may congratulate ourselves on the fact +that it is no longer incumbent on wedding guests to drink the health of +the newly married couple so fervently, and that a proportional saving +in table fittings can thus be effected. + +Barrackpore, the Viceroy's country place, is unquestionably a pleasant +spot, with its fine park and famous gardens. Like the Maidan in +Calcutta Barrackpore is a very fairly successful attempt at reproducing +England in Asia. With a little make-believe and a determined attempt to +ignore the grotesque outlines of a Hindoo temple standing on the +confines of the park, and the large humps on the backs of the grazing +cattle like the steam domes on railway engines, it might be possible to +imagine oneself at home, until the illusion is shattered in quite +another fashion. There is an excellent eighteen-hole golf course in +Barrackpore park, but when you hear people talking of the second +"brown" there can be no doubt but that you are in Asia. A "green" would +be a palpable misnomer for the parched grass of an Indian dry season, +still a "brown" comes as a shock at first. The gardens merit their +reputation. There are innumerable ponds, or "tanks," of lotus and +water-lilies of every hue: scarlet, crimson, white, and pure sky-blue, +the latter an importation from Australia. When these are in flower they +are a lovely sight, and perhaps compensate for the myriads of +mosquitoes who find in these ponds an ideal breeding-place, and assert +their presence day and night most successfully. There are great drifts +of Eucharis lilies growing under the protecting shadows of the trees +along shady walks, and the blaze of colour in the formal garden +surrounding the white marble fountain in front of the house is +positively dazzling. The house was built especially as a hot-weather +residence, and as such is not particularly successful, for it is one of +the hottest buildings in the whole of India. The dining-room is in the +centre of the house, and has no windows whatever; an arrangement which, +though it may shut out the sun, also excludes all fresh air as well. +The bedrooms extend up through two storeys, and are so extremely lofty +that one has the sensation of sleeping in a lift-shaft. Apart from its +heat, the house has a dignified old-world air about it, with vague +hints of Adam decoration in its details. + +The establishment of Government House consisted of five hundred and +twenty servants, all natives, so it could not be termed short-handed. +With so many men, the apparently impossible could be undertaken. Lord +Lansdowne left Calcutta for Barrackpore every Saturday afternoon. As +soon as we had gone into luncheon at Calcutta on the Saturday, perfect +armies of men descended on the private part of the house and packed up +all the little things about the rooms into big cases. An hour later +they were on their way up the river by steamer, and when we arrived at +Barrackpore for tea, the house looked as though it had been lived in +for weeks, with every object reposing on the tables in precisely the +same position it had occupied earlier in the day in Calcutta. Late on +Sunday night this process was reversed for the return journey at seven +on Monday morning. The Viceroy had a completely fitted-up office in his +smart little white-and-gold yacht, and was able to get through a great +deal of work on his voyage down the Hooghly before breakfast on Monday +mornings. A conscientious Viceroy of India is one of the hardest-worked +men in the world, for he frequently has ten hours of office work in the +day, irrespective of his other duties. + +An enormous banyan tree stands on the lawn at Barrackpore. I should be +afraid to say how much ground it covers; perhaps nearly an acre, for +these trees throw down aerial suckers which form into fresh trunks, and +so spread indefinitely. Lady Lansdowne thought she would have a bamboo +house built in this great banyan tree for her little daughter, the same +little girl for whom I had built the snow-hut at Ottawa, for she +happens to be my god-daughter. It was to be a sort of "Swiss Family +Robinson" tree-house, infinitely superior to the house on the tree-tops +of Kensington Gardens, which Wendy destined for Peter Pan. The house +was duly built, with bamboo staircases, and little fenced-off bamboo +platforms fitted with seats and tables, at different levels up the +tree. The Swiss Family Robinson would have gone mad with jealousy at +seeing such a desirable aerial abode, so immeasurably preferable to +their own, and even Wendy might have felt a mild pang of envy. When the +house was completed, one of the Aides-de-Camp inspected it and found a +snake hanging by its tail from a branch right over one of the little +aerial platforms. He reported that the tree was full of snakes. The +risk was too great to run, so prompt orders were given to demolish the +house, and the little girl never enjoyed her tree-top playground. + +The Viceroy's State elephants were all kept at Barrackpore, and the +elephant-lines had a great attraction for children, especially for a +small great-nephew of mine, now a Lieut.-Colonel, and the father of a +family, then aged six. The child was very fearless, but the only +elephant he was allowed to approach was a venerable tusker named +"Warren Hastings," the very identical elephant on which Warren Hastings +made his first entry into Calcutta. "Warren" was supposed to be nearly +200 years old, and his temper could be absolutely relied on. It is +curious that natives, in speaking of a quiet, good-tempered animal, +always speak of him as "poor" (gharib). The little boy was perpetually +feeding Warren Hastings with oranges and bananas, and the two became +great friends. It was a pretty sight seeing the fearless small boy in +his white suit, bare legs, and little sun-helmet, standing in front of +the great beast who could have crushed him to a wafer in one second, +and ordering him in the vernacular, with his shrill child's voice, to +kneel. It was a more curious sight seeing the huge animal at once obey +his little mentor, and, struggling with the infirmities and rheumatic +joints of old age (to which, alas! others besides elephants are +subject), lower himself painfully on to his knees. "Salaam karo" +("Salute me"), piped the white child, and the great pachyderm instantly +obeyed, lifting his trunk high in salute; which, if you think it out, +may have a certain symbolism about it. + +It was the same small boy who on returning to England at the age of +seven, after five years in India, looked out of the windows of the +carriage with immense interest, as they drove through London from +Charing Cross station. "Mother," he piped at length, "this is a very +odd country! All the natives seem to be white here." + +My little great-nephew was immensely petted by the native servants, and +as he could speak the vernacular with greater ease than English, he +picked up from the servants the most appalling language, which he +innocently repeated, entailing his frequent chastisement. + +I can sympathise with the child there, for at the age of nine, in +Dublin, I became seized with an intense but short-lived desire to +enlist as a trumpeter in a Lancer regiment. Seeing one day a real live, +if diminutive, Lancer trumpeter listening to the band playing in the +Castle yard, I ran down and consulted him as to the best means of +attaining my desire. The small trumpeter was not particularly +intelligent, and was unable to help me. Though of tender years, he was +regrettably lacking in refinement, for his conversation consisted +chiefly of an endless repetition of three or four words, not one of +which I had ever heard before. Carefully treasuring these up, as having +a fine martial smack about them suitable to the military career I then +proposed embracing, I, in all innocence, fired off one of the +trumpeter's full-flavoured expressions at my horror-stricken family +during luncheon, to be at once ordered out of the room, and severely +punished afterwards. We all know that "what the soldier said" is not +legal evidence; in this painful fashion I also learnt that "what the +trumpeter said" is not held to be a valid excuse for the use of bad +language by a small boy. + +In the late autumn of 1890 Admiral Sir Edmund Fremantle brought his +flagship, the Boadicea, right up the Hooghly, and moored her alongside +the Maidan. The ship remained there for six weeks, the Admiral taking +up his quarters at Government House. My sister Lady Lansdowne had a +mistaken weakness for midshipmen, whom she most inappropriately termed +"those dear little fellows." At that time midshipmen went to sea at +fifteen years of age, so they were much younger than at present. As +these boys were constantly at Government House, four of us thought that +we would lend the midshipmen our ponies for an early morning ride. The +boys all started off at a gallop, and every one of them was bolted with +as soon as he reached the Maidan. As they had no riding-breeches, their +trousers soon rucked up, exhibiting ample expanses of bare legs; they +had no notion of riding, but managed to stick on somehow by clinging to +pommel and mane, banging here into a sedate Judge of the High Court, +with an apologetic "Sorry, sir, but this swine of a pony won't steer;" +barging there into a pompous Anglo-Indian official, as they yelled to +their ponies, "Easy now, dogs-body, or you'll unship us both;" +galloping as hard as their ponies could lay legs to the ground, +cannoning into half the white inhabitants of Calcutta, but always with +imperturbable good-humour. When their panting ponies tried to pull up +to recover their wind a little, these rising hopes of the British Navy +kicked them with their heels into a gallop again, shouting strange +nautical oaths, and grinning from ear to ear with delight, until +finally four ponies lathered in sweat, in the last stages of +exhaustion, returned to Government House, and four dripping boys +alighted, declaring that they had had the time of their lives in spite +of a considerable loss of cuticle. It was the same at the dances at +Government House. The smart young subalterns simply weren't in it; the +midshipmen got all the best partners, and, to do them justice, they +could dance very well. They started with the music and whirled their +partners round the room at the top of their speed, in the furnace +temperature of Calcutta, without drawing rein for one second until the +band stopped, when a dishevelled and utterly exhausted damsel collapsed +limply into a chair, whilst a deliquescent brass-buttoned youth, with a +sodden wisp of white linen and black silk round his neck to indicate +the spot where he had once possessed a collar and tie, endeavoured to +fan his partner into some semblance of coolness again. + +Lady Lansdowne having invited eight midshipmen to spend a Sunday at +Barrackpore, they arrived there by launch with a drag net, which the +Viceroy had given them leave to use on the largest of the ponds. My +sister at once set them down to play lawn-tennis, hoping to work off +some of their superfluous energy in this way. In honour of the +occasion, the midshipmen had extracted their best white flannels from +their chests, and they proceeded to array themselves in these. The +Boadicea, however, had been two years in commission, the flannels were +two years old, and the lads were just at the age when they were growing +most rapidly. They squeezed themselves with great difficulty into their +shrunken garments, which looked more like tights than trousers, every +button and seam obviously strained to the bursting point, and set to +work playing tennis with their accustomed vigour. Soon there was a +sound of rending cloth, and the senior midshipman, a portly youth of +Teutonic amplitude of outline, lay down flat on his back on the lawn. A +minute later there was a similar sound, and another boy lay down on his +back and remained there, and a third lad quickly followed their +example. A charming lady had noticed this from the verandah above, and +ran down in some alarm, fearing that these young Nelsons had got +sunstrokes. Somewhat confusedly they assured her that they were quite +well, but might they, please, have three rugs brought them. Otherwise +it was impossible for them to move. With some difficulty three rugs +were procured, and, enveloped in them, they waddled off to their +bungalow to assume more decent apparel. A few minutes later there were +two more similar catastrophes (these garments all seemed to split in +precisely the same spot), and the supply of rugs being exhausted, these +boys had to retreat to their bungalow walking backwards like +chamberlains at a Court function. After luncheon, in the burning heat +of Bengal, most sensible people keep quiet in the shade, but the +midshipmen went off to inspect the great tank, and to decide how they +should drag it. + +Soon we heard loud shoutings from the direction of the tank, and saw a +long string of native servants carrying brown chatties of hot water +towards the pond. We found that the courteous House-Baboo had informed +the midshipmen that the holes in the banks of the tank were the winter +rest-places of cobras. It then occurred to the boys that it would be +capital fun to pour hot water down the holes, and to kill the cobras +with sticks as they emerged from them. It was a horribly dangerous +amusement, for, one bad shot, and the Royal Navy would unquestionably +have had to mourn the loss of a promising midshipman in two hours' +time. When we arrived the snake-killing was over, and the boys were all +refreshing themselves with large cheroots purloined from the +dining-room on their behalf by a friendly kitmutgar. The dragging of +the tank was really a wonderful sight. As the net reached the far end +it was one solid mass of great shining, blue-grey fish, of about thirty +pounds weight each. The most imaginative artist in depicting the +"Miraculous Draught of Fishes" never approached the reality of +Barrackpore, or pictured such vast quantities of writhing, silvery +finny creatures. They were a fish called cattla by the natives, a +species of carp, with a few eels and smaller fish of a bright red +colour thrown in amongst them. I could never have believed that one +pond could have held such incredible quantities of fish. The Viceroy, +an intrepid pioneer in gastronomic matters, had a great cattla boiled +for his dinner. The first mouthful defeated him; he declared that the +consistency of the fish was that of an old flannel shirt, and the taste +a compound of mud and of the smell of a covered racquet-court. A lady +insisted on presenting the midshipmen with two dozen bottles of a very +good champagne for the Gun-room Mess. In the innocence of her heart she +thought that the champagne would last them for a year, but on New +Year's Eve the little lambs had a great celebration on board, and drank +the whole two dozen at one sitting. As there were exactly eighteen of +them, this made a fair allowance apiece; they all got exceedingly +drunk, and the Admiral stopped their leave for two months, so we saw no +more of them. They were quite good boys really though, like all their +kind, rather over-full of high spirits. + +As is well known, Queen Victoria celebrated her seventieth birthday by +commencing the study of Hindustani under the tuition of a skilled +Moonshee. At the farewell audience the Queen gave my sister, Her +Majesty, on learning that Lady Lansdowne intended to begin learning +Hindustani as soon as she reached India, proposed that they should +correspond occasionally in Urdu, to test the relative progress they +were making. Every six months or so a letter from the Queen, +beautifully written in Persian characters, reached Calcutta, to which +my sister duly replied. In strict confidence, I may say that I strongly +suspect that Lady Lansdowne's letters were written by her Moonshee, and +that she merely copied the Persian characters, which she could do very +neatly. The Arabic alphabet is used in writing Persian, with three or +four extra letters added to express sounds which do not exist in +Arabic; it is, of course, written from right to left. I had an hour and +a half's daily lesson in Urdu from an efficient, if immensely pompous, +Moonshee, but I never attempted to learn to read or write the Persian +characters. + +I do not think that any one who has not traversed the plains of +Northern Indian can have any idea of their deadly monotony. Hour after +hour of level, sun-baked wheat-fields, interspersed with arid tracts of +desert, hardly conforms to the traditional idea of Indian scenery, nor +when once Bengal is left behind is there any of that luxuriant +vegetation which one instinctively associates with hot countries. In +bars in the United States, any one wishing for whisky and water was (I +advisedly use the past tense) accustomed to drain a small tumbler of +neat whisky, and then to swallow a glass of water. In India everything +is arranged on this principle; the whisky and the water are kept quite +separate. The dead-flat expanse of the Northern plains is unbroken by +the most insignificant of mounds; on the other hand, in the hills it is +almost impossible to find ten yards of level ground. In the same way +during the dry season you know with absolute certainty that there will +be no rain; whilst during the rains you can predict, without the +faintest shadow of doubt, that the downpour will continue day by day. +Personally, I prefer whisky and water mixed. + +In 1891 the Viceroy had selected the Kumaon district for his usual +official spring tour, and all arrangements had been made for this. As +my sister was feeling the heat of Calcutta a great deal, she and I +preceded the Viceroy to Naini Tal in the Kumaon district, as it stands +at an altitude of 6500 feet. The narrow-gauge railway ends at +Kathgodam, fifteen miles from Naini Tal, and the last four miles to the +hill-station have to be ridden up, I should imagine, the steepest road +in the world. It is like the side of a house. People have before now +slipped over their horses' tails going up that terrific ascent, and I +cannot conceive how the horses' girths manage to hold. Naini Tal is a +delightful spot, with bungalows peeping out of dense greenery that +fringes a clear lake. As in most hill-stations, the narrow riding +tracks are scooped out of the hillsides with a perpendicular drop of, +say, 500 feet on one side. These khudd paths, in addition to being very +narrow, are so precipitous that it takes some while getting used to +riding along them. A rather tiresome elderly spinster had come up to +Naini Tal on a visit to a relative, and was continually bewailing the +dangers of these khudd paths. She had hoped, she declared, to put on a +little flesh in the hills, but her constant anxiety about the khudds +was making her thinner than ever. A humorous subaltern, rather bored at +these continual laments, observed to her: "At all events, Miss Smith, +you'll have one consolation. If by any piece of bad luck you should +fall over the khudd, you'll go over thin, but you'll fall down plump--a +thousand feet." + +The very evening that Lord Lansdowne arrived for his projected tour, +the news of a serious outbreak in Manipur was telegraphed. The Viceroy +at once decided to abandon his tour and to proceed straight to Simla, +to which the Government offices had already moved, and where his +presence would be urgently required. Lord William Beresford, the +Military Secretary, a prince of organisers, at once took possession of +the telegraph wires, and in two hours his arrangements were +complete--or as an Anglo-Indian would put it, "he had made his +bundobust." The Viceroy and my sister were to leave next morning at 6 +a.m., and Lord William undertook to get them to Simla by special trains +before midnight. He actually landed them there by 11 p.m.--quite a +record journey, for Naini Tal is 407 miles from Simla, of which 75 +miles have to be ridden or driven by road and 66 are by narrow-gauge +railway, on which high speeds are impossible. There were 6500 feet to +descend from Naini, and 6000 feet to ascend to Simla, but in India a +good organiser can accomplish miracles. + +The Viceroy's tour being abandoned, Colonel Erskine, the Commissioner +for the Kumaon district, invited me to accompany him on his own +official tour. It was through very difficult country where no wheeled +traffic could pass, so we were to ride, with all our belongings carried +by coolies. I bought two hill-ponies the size of Newfoundland dogs for +myself and my "bearer," and we started. The little animals being used +to carrying packs, have a disconcerting trick of keeping close to the +very edge of the khudd, for experience has taught them that to bump +their load against the rock wall on the inner side gives them an +unpleasant jar. These little hill-ponies are wonderfully sure-footed, +and can climb like cats over dry water-courses piled with rocks and +great boulders, which a man on foot would find difficult to negotiate. +The rhododendrons were then in full flower, and the hills were one +blaze of colour. We were always going up and up, and as we ascended, +the deep crimson rhododendron flowers of Naini Tal gradually faded to +rose-colour, from rose-colour to pale pink, and from pink to pure +white. It was a perfect education travelling with Colonel Erskine, for +that shrewd and kindly old Scotsman had spent half his life in India, +and knew the Oriental inside out. The French have an expression, "se +fourrer dans la peau d'autrui," "to shove yourself into another +person's skin," and therefore to be able to see things as they would +present themselves to the mind of a man of a different race and of a +different mentality, and from his point of view. All young diplomats +are enjoined to cultivate this art, and some few succeed in doing so. +Colonel Erskine had it to perfection. On arriving in a village he would +call for a carpet, and a dirty cotton dhuree would be laid on the +round. He would then order a charpoy, or native bed, to be placed on +the carpet, and he would seat himself on it, and call out in the +vernacular, "Now, my children, what have you to tell me?" All this was +strictly in accordance with immemorial Eastern custom. Then the long +line of suppliants would approach, each one with a present of an +orange, or a bunch of rhododendron flowers in his hand. This, again, +from the very beginning of things has been the custom in the East (cf. +2 Kings, chap. viii, vers. 8, 9: "And the King said unto Hazael, Take a +present in thine hand, and go, meet the man of God.... So Hazael went +to meet him, and took a present with him"). Colonel Erskine was a great +stickler for these presents, and as they could be picked off the +nearest rhododendron bush, they cost the donor nothing. + +The outpouring of grievences and complaints then began, each applicant +always ending with the two-thousand-year-old cry of India, "Dohai, +Huzoor!" ("Justice, my lord!") The old Commissioner meanwhile listened +intently, dictating copious notes to his Brahmin clerk, and at the +conclusion of the audience he would cry, "Go, my children. Justice +shall be done to all of you," and we moved on to another village. It +was very pleasant seeing the patriarchal relations between the +Commissioner and the villagers. He understood them and their customs +thoroughly; they trusted him and loved him as their official father. I +fancy that this type of Indian Civil servant, knowing the people he has +to deal with down to the very marrow of their bones, has become rarer +of late years. The Brahmin clerk was a very intelligent man, and spoke +English admirably, but I took a great dislike to him, noting the abject +way in which the natives fawned on him. Colonel Erskine had to +discharge him soon afterwards, as he found that he had been exploiting +the villagers mercilessly for years, taking bribes right and left. From +much experience Colonel Erskine was an adept at travelling with what he +termed "a light camp." He took with him a portable office-desk, a +bookcase with a small reference library, and two portable arm-chairs. +All these were carried in addition to our baggage and bedding on +coolies' heads, for our sleeping-places were seldom more than fifteen +miles apart. + +The Commissioner's old Khansama had very strict ideas as to how a +"Sahib's" dinner should be served. He insisted on decorating the table +with rhododendron flowers, and placing on it every night four dishes of +Moradabad metal work containing respectively six figs, six French +plums, six dates, and six biscuits, all reposing on the orthodox +lace-paper mats, and the moment dinner was over he carefully replaced +these in pickle-jars for use next evening. We would have broken his +heart had we spoiled the symmetry of his dishes by eating any of these. +It takes a little practice to master bills of fare written in "Kitmutar +English," and for "Irishishtew" and "Anchoto" to be resolved into +Irish-stew and Anchovy-toast. Once when a Viceroy was on tour there was +a roast gosling for dinner. This duly appeared on the bill-of-fare as +"Roasted goose's pup." In justice, however, we must own that we would +make far greater blunders in trying to write a menu in Urdu. + +The Kumaon district is beautiful, not unlike an enlarged Scotland, with +deep ravines scooped out by clear, rushing rivers, their precipitous +sides clothed with dense growths of deodaras. In the early morning the +view of the long range of the snowy pinnacles of the Himalayas was +splendid. I learnt a great deal from wise old Colonel Erskine with his +intimate knowledge of the workings of the native mind, and of the +psychology of the Oriental. + +There is something very touching in the fidelity of Indian native +servants to their employers. Lady Lansdowne returned to India eighteen +years after leaving it, for the marriage of her son (who was killed in +the first three months of the war) to Lord Minto's daughter, and I +accompanied her. One afternoon all the pensioned Government House +servants who had been in Lord Lansdowne's employment arrived in a body +to offer their "salaams" to my sister. They presented a very different +appearance to the resplendent beings in scarlet and gold whom I had +formerly known, for on taking their pension they had ceased troubling +to dye their beards, and they were merely dressed in plain white +cotton. These grey-bearded, toothless old men with their high, aquiline +features (they were nearly all Mohammedans), flowing white garments and +turbans, might have stepped bodily out of stained-glass windows. They +had brought with them all the little presents (principally watches) +which my sister had given them; they remembered all the berths she had +secured for their sons, and the letters she had written on their +behalf. An Oriental has a very long memory for a kindness as well as +for an injury done him. Lady Lansdowne, whose Hindustani had become +rather rusty, began feverishly turning over the pages of a dictionary +in an endeavour to express her feelings and the pleasure she +experienced in seeing these faithful retainers again: she wept, and the +old men wept, and we all agreed, as elderly people will, that in former +days the sun was brighter and life altogether rosier than in these +degenerate times. Before leaving, the old servants simultaneously +lifted their arms in the Mahommedan gesture of blessing, with all the +innate dignity of the Oriental; it was really a very touching sight, +nor do I think that the very substantial memento of their visit which +each of them received had anything to do with their attitude: they only +wished to show that they were "faithful to their salt." + +It is difficult to determine the age of a native, as wrinkles and lines +do not show on a dark skin. Dark skins have other advantages. One of +the European Examiners of Calcutta University told me that there had +been great trouble about the examination-papers. By some means the +native students always managed to obtain what we may term "advance" +copies of these papers. My informant devised a scheme to stop this +leakage. Instead of having the papers printed in the usual fashion, he +called in the services of a single white printer on whom he could +absolutely rely. The white printer had the papers handed to him early +on the morning of the examination day, and he duly set them up on a +hand-press in the building itself. The printer had one assistant, a +coolie clad only in loin-cloth and turban, and every time the coolie +left the room he was made to remove both his loin-cloth and turban, so +that by no possibility could he have any papers concealed about him. In +spite of these precautions, it was clear from internal evidence that +some of the students had had a previous knowledge of the questions. How +had it been managed? It eventually appeared that the coolie, taking +advantage of the momentary absence of the white printer, had whipped +off his loin-cloth, SAT DOWN ON THE "FORM," and then replaced his +solitary garment. When made to strip on going out, the printing-ink did +not show on his dark skin: he had only to sit down elsewhere on a large +sheet of white paper for the questions to be printed off on it, and +they could then easily be read in a mirror. The Oriental mind is very +subtle. + +This is no place to speak of the marvels of Mogul architecture in Agra +and Delhi. I do not believe that there exists in the world a more +exquisitely beautiful hall than the Diwan-i-Khas in Delhi palace. This +hall, open on one side to a garden, is entirely built of transparent +white marble inlaid with precious stones, and with its intricate gilded +ceilings, and wonderful pierced-marble screens it justifies the famous +Persian inscription that runs round it: + + "If heaven can be on the face of the earth, + It is this, it is this, it is this." + +I always regret that Shah Jehan did not carry out his original +intention of erecting a second Taj of black marble for himself at Agra, +opposite the wonderful tomb he built for his beloved Muntaz-i-Mahal; +probably the money ran out. Few people take in that the dome of the +Taj, that great airy white soap-bubble, is actually higher than the +dome of St. Paul's. The play of fancy and invention of Shah Jehan's +architects seems inexhaustible. All the exquisite white marble +pavilions of Agra palace differ absolutely both in design and +decoration, and Akbar's massive red sandstone buildings make the most +perfect foil to them that could be conceived. + +Lucknow is one of the pleasantest stations in India, with its ring of +encircling parks, and the broad, tree-shaded roads of its cantonments, +but the pretentious monuments with which the city is studded will not +bear examination after the wonders of Agra and Delhi. The King of Oude +wished to surpass the Mogul Emperors by the magnificence of his +buildings, but he wished, too, to do it on the cheap. So in Lucknow +stucco, with very debased details, replaces the stately red sandstone +and marble of the older cities. + +In 1890 after a long day's sight-seeing in Lucknow, in the course of +which we ascended the long exterior flight of steps of the great +Imambarah on an elephant (who proved himself as nimble as a German +waiter in going upstairs), Lady Lansdowne and I were taken to the +Husainabad just as the short-lived Indian twilight was falling. On +passing through its great gateway I thought that I had never in my life +seen anything so beautiful. At the end of a long white marble-paved +court, a stately black-and-white marble tomb with a gilded dome rose +from a flight of steps. Down the centre of the court ran a long pool of +clear water, surrounded by a gilded railing. On either side of the +court stood great clumps of flowering shrubs, also enclosed in gilded +railings. At the far end, a group of palms were outlined in jet black +against that vivid lemon-coloured afterglow only seen in hot countries; +peacocks, perched on the walls of the court, stood out duskily purple +against the glowing expanse of saffron sky, and the sleeping waters of +the long pool reflected the golden glory of the flaming vault above +them. + +In the hush of the evening, and the half-light, the scene was lovely +beyond description, and for eighteen years I treasured in my mind the +memory of the Husainabad at sunset as the vision of my life. + +On returning to Lucknow in 1906, I insisted on going at once to revisit +the Husainabad, though I was warned that there was nothing to see +there. Alas! in broad daylight and in the glare of the fierce sun the +whole place looked abominably tawdry. What I had taken for +black-and-white marble was only painted stucco, and coarsely daubed at +that; the details of the decoration were deplorable, and the Husainabad +was just a piece of showy, meretricious tinsel. The gathering dusk and +the golden expanse of the Indian sunset sky had by some subtle wizardry +thrown a veil of glamour over this poor travesty of the marvels of +Delhi and Agra. So a long-cherished ideal was hopelessly shattered, +which is always a melancholy thing. + +We are all slaves to the economic conditions under which we live, and +the present exorbitant price of paper is a very potent factor in the +making of books. I am warned by my heartless publishers that I have +already exceeded my limits. There are many things in India of which I +would speak: of big-game hunts in Assam; of near views of the mighty +snows of the Himalayas; of jugglers and their tricks, and of certain +unfamiliar aspects of native life. The telling of these must be +reserved for another occasion, for it is impossible in the brief +compass of a single chapter to do more than touch the surface of things +in the vast Empire, the origin of whose history is lost in the mists of +time. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +Matters left untold--The results of improved communications--My +father's journey to Naples--Modern stereotyped uniformity--Changes in +customs--The faithful family retainer Some details--Samuel Pepys' +stupendous banquets--Persistence of idea--Ceremonial +incense--Patriarchal family life--The barn dances--My father's +habits--My mother--A son's tribute--Autumn days--Conclusion. + + +I had hoped to tell of reef-fishing in the West Indies; of surf-riding +on planks at Muizenberg in South Africa; of the extreme inconvenience +to which the inhabitants of Southern China are subjected owing to the +inconsiderate habits of their local devils; of sapphire seas where +coco-nut palms toss their fronds in the Trade wind over gleaming-white +coral beaches; of vast frozen tracts in the Far North where all animate +life seems suspended; of Japanese villages clinging to green hill-sides +where boiling springs gush out of the cliffs in clouds of steam, and of +many other things besides, for it has been my good fortune to have seen +most of the surface of this globe. But all these must wait until the +present preposterous price of paper has descended to more normal levels. + +I consider myself exceptionally fortunate in having lived at a time +when modern conveniences of transport were already in existence, but +had not yet produced their inevitable results. It is quite sufficiently +obvious that national customs and national peculiarities are being +smoothed out of existence by facilities of travel. My father and +mother, early in their married life, drove from London to Naples in +their own carriage, the journey occupying over a month. They left their +own front door in London, had their carriage placed on the deck of the +Channel steamer, sat in it during the passage (what a singularly +uncomfortable resting-place it must have been should they have +encountered bad weather!), and continued their journey on the other +side. During their leisurely progress through France and Italy, they +must have enjoyed opportunities of studying the real life of these +countries which are denied the passengers in a rapide, jammed in +amongst a cosmopolitan crew in the prosaic atmosphere of dining and +sleeping cars, and scarcely bestowing a passing glance on the country +through which they are being whirled. Even in my time I have seen +marked changes, and have witnessed the gradual disappearance of +national costumes, and of national types of architecture. Every capital +in Europe seems to adopt in its modern buildings a standardised type of +architecture. No sojourner in any of the big modern hotels, which bear +such a wearisome family likeness to each other, could tell in which +particular country he might happen to find himself, were it not for the +scraps of conversation which reach his ears, for the externals all look +alike, and even the cooking has, with a greater or less degree of +success, been standardised to the requisite note of monotony. +Travellers may be divided into two categories: those who wish to find +on foreign soil the identical conditions to which they have been +accustomed at home, and those searching for novelty of outlook and +novelty of surroundings. The former will welcome the process of planing +down national idiosyncrasies into one dead level of uniformity of type, +the latter will deplore it; but this, like many other things, is a +matter of individual taste. + +The ousting of the splendid full-rigged ships by stumpy, unlovely +tramp-steamers in the Hooghly River, to which I have already referred, +is only one example of the universal disappearance of the picturesque. +In twenty-five years' time, every one will be living in a +drab-coloured, utilitarian world, from which most of the beauty and +every scrap of local colour will have been successfully eliminated. I +am lucky in having seen some of it. + +I have also witnessed great changes in social habits. I do not refer so +much to the removal of the rigid lines of demarcation formerly +prevailing in English Society, as to the disappearance of certain +accepted standards. For instance, in my young days the possibility of +appearing in Piccadilly in anything but a high hat and a tail coat was +unthinkable, as was the idea of sitting down to dinner in anything but +a white tie. Modern usage has common sense distinctly on its side. +Again, in my youth the old drinking customs lingered, especially at the +Universities. Though personally I have never been able to extract the +faintest gratification from the undue consumption of alcohol, my +friends do not seem to have invariably shared my tastes. I am certain +of one thing: it is to the cigarette that the temperate habits of the +twentieth century are due. Nicotine knocked port and claret out in the +second round. The acclimatisation of the cigarette in England only +dates from the "seventies." As a child I remember that the only form of +tobacco indulged in by the people that I knew was the cigar. A +cigarette was considered an effeminate foreign importation; a pipe was +unspeakably vulgar. + +In my mother's young days before her marriage, the old hard-drinking +habits of the Regency and of the eighteenth century still persisted. At +Woburn Abbey it was the custom for the trusted old family butler to +make his nightly report to my grandmother in the drawing-room. "The +gentlemen have had a good deal to-night; it might be as well for the +young ladies to retire," or "The gentlemen have had very little +to-night," was announced according to circumstances by this faithful +family retainer. Should the young girls be packed off upstairs, they +liked standing on an upper gallery of the staircase to watch the +shouting, riotous crowd issuing from the dining-room. My father very +rarely touched wine, and I believe that it was the fact that he, then +an Oxford undergraduate, was the only sober young man amongst the rowdy +troop of roysterers that first drew my mother to him, though he had +already proposed marriage to her at a children's party given by the +Prince Regent at Carlton House, when they were respectively seven and +six years old. My father had succeeded to the title at the age of six, +and they were married as soon as he came of age. They lived to +celebrate their golden wedding, which two of my sisters, the late +Duchess of Buccleuch and Lady Lansdowne, were also fortunate enough to +do, and I can say with perfect truth that in all three instances my +mother and her daughters celebrated fifty years of perfect happiness, +unclouded save for the gaps which death had made amongst their children. + +Students of Pepys' Diary must have gasped with amazement at learning of +the prodigious quantities of food considered necessary in the +seventeenth century for a dinner of a dozen people. Samuel Pepys gives +us several accounts of his entertainments, varying, with a nice sense +of discrimination, the epithet with which he labels his dinners. Here +is one which he gave to ten people, in 1660, which he proudly terms "a +very fine dinner." "A dish of marrow-bones; a leg of mutton; a loin of +veal; a dish of fowl; three pullets, and two dozen of larks, all in a +dish; a great tart; a neat's tongue; a dish of anchovies; a dish of +prawns, and cheese." On another occasion, in 1662, Pepys having four +guests only, merely gave them what he modestly describes as "a pretty +dinner." "A brace of stewed carps; six roasted chickens; a jowl of +salmon; a tanzy; two neats' tongues, and cheese." For six distinguished +guests in 1663 he provided "a noble dinner." (I like this careful +grading of epithets.) "Oysters; a hash of rabbits; a lamb, and a rare +chine of beef, Next a great dish of roasted fowl cost me about thirty +shillings; a tart, fruit and cheese." Pepys anxiously hopes that this +was enough! One is pleased to learn that on all three occasions his +guests enjoyed themselves, and that they were "very merry," but however +did they manage to hold one quarter of this prodigious amount of food? + +The curious idea that hospitality entailed the proffering of four times +the amount of food that an average person could assimilate, persisted +throughout the eighteenth century and well into the "seventies" of the +nineteenth century. I remember as a child, on the rare occasion when I +was allowed to "sit up" for dinner, how interminable that repast +seemed. That may have been due to the fact that my brother and I were +forbidden to eat anything except a biscuit or two. The idea that human +beings required perpetual nourishment was so deep-grounded that, to the +end of my father's life, the "wine and water tray" was brought in +nightly before the ladies went to bed. This tray contained port, sherry +and claret, a silver kettle of hot water, sugar, lemons and nutmeg, as +well as two large plates of sandwiches. All the ladies devoured wholly +superfluous sandwiches, and took a glass of wine and hot water before +retiring. I think people would be surprised to find how excellent a +beverage the obsolete "negus" is. Let them try a glass of either port, +sherry, or claret, with hot water, sugar, a squeeze of lemon, and a +dusting of nutmeg, and I think that they will agree with me. + +A custom, I believe, peculiar to our family, was the burning of church +incense in the rooms after dinner. At the conclusion of dinner, the +groom-of-the-chambers walked round the dining-room, solemnly swinging a +large silver censer. This dignified thurifer then made the circuit of +the other rooms, plying his censer. From the conscientious manner in +which he fulfilled his task, I fear that an Ecclesiastical Court might +have found that this came under the heading of "incense used +ceremonially." + +My father had one peculiarity; he never altered his manner of living, +whether the house was full of visitors, or he were alone with my +mother, after his children had married and left him. At Baron's Court, +when quite by themselves, they used the large rooms, and had them all +lighted up at night, exactly as though the house was full of guests. +There was to my mind something very touching in seeing an aged couple, +after more than fifty years of married life together, still preserving +the affectionate relations of lovers with each other. They played their +chess together nightly in a room ninety-eight feet long, and delighted +in still singing together, in the quavering tones of old age, the +simple little Italian duets that they had sung in the far-off days of +their courtship. As his years increased, my father did not care to +venture much beyond the circle of his own family, though as thirteen of +his children had grown up, and he had seven married daughters, the two +elder of whom had each thirteen children of her own, the number of his +immediate descendants afforded him a fairly wide field of selection. In +his old age he liked to have his five sons round him all the winter, +together with their wives and children. Accordingly, every October my +three married brothers arrived at Baron's Court with their entire +families, and remained there till January, so that the house +persistently rang with children's laughter. What with governesses, +children, nurses and servants, this meant thirty-three extra people all +through the winter, so it was fortunate that Baron's Court was a large +house, and that there was plenty of room left for other visitors. It +entailed no great hardship on the sons, for the autumn salmon-fishing +in the turbulent Mourne is excellent, there was abundance of shooting, +and M. Gouffe, the cook, was a noted artist. + +Both my father and mother detested publicity, or anything in the nature +of self-advertisement, which only shows how hopelessly out of touch +they would have been with modern conditions. + +My father was also old-fashioned enough to read family prayers every +morning and every Sunday evening; he was very particular, too, about +Sunday observance, now almost fallen into desuetude, so neither the +thud of lawn-tennis racquets nor the click of billiard-balls were ever +heard on that day, and no one would have dreamed of playing cards on +Sunday. + +It would be difficult to convey any idea of the pleasant family life in +that isolated spot tucked away amongst the Tyrone mountains; of the +long tramps over the bogs after duck and snipe; of the struggles with +big salmon; of the sailing-matches on the lakes; of the grouse and the +woodcocks; of the theatrical performances, the fun and jollity, and all +the varied incidents which make country life so fascinating to those +brought up to it. + +It was the custom at Baron's Court to have two annual dances in the +barn to celebrate "Harvest Home" and Christmas, and to these dances my +father, and my brother after him, invited every single person in their +employ, and all the neighbouring farmers and their wives. Any one +hoping to shine at a barn-dance required exceptionally sound muscles, +for the dancing was quite a serious business. The so-called barn was +really a long granary, elaborately decorated with wreaths of +evergreens, flags, and mottoes. The proceedings invariably commenced +with a dance (peculiar, I think, to the north of Ireland) known as +"Haste to the Wedding." It is a country dance, but its peculiarity lies +in the fact that instead of the couples standing motionless opposite to +one another, they are expected to "set to each other," and to keep on +doing steps without intermission; all this being, I imagine, typical of +the intense eagerness every one was supposed to express to reach the +scene of the wedding festivities as quickly as possible. Twenty minutes +of "Haste to the Wedding" are warranted to exhaust the stoutest +leg-muscles. My mother always led off with the farm-bailiff as partner, +my father at the other end dancing with the bailiff's wife. Both my +father, and my brother after him, were very careful always to wear +their Garter as well as their other Orders on these occasions, in order +to show respect to their guests. Scotch reels and Irish jigs alternated +with "The Triumph," "Flowers of Edinburgh," and other country dances, +until feet and legs refused their office; and still the fiddles +scraped, and feet, light or heavy, belaboured the floor till 6 a.m. The +supper would hardly have come up to London standards, for instead of +light airy nothings, huge joints of roast and boiled were aligned down +the tables. Some of the stricter Presbyterians, though fond of a dance, +experienced conscientious qualms about it. So they struck an ingenious +compromise with their consciences by dancing vigorously whilst assuming +an air of intense misery, as though they were undergoing some terrible +penance. Every one present enjoyed these barn-dances enormously. + +My father was an admirable speaker of the old-fashioned school, with +calculated pauses, an unusual felicity in the choice of his epithets, +and a considerable amount of gesticulation. The veteran Lord Chaplin is +the last living exponent of this type of oratory. Although my father +prepared his speeches very carefully indeed, he never made a single +written note. He had a beautiful speaking voice and a prodigious +memory; this memory, he knew from experience, would not fail him. An +excellent shot himself both with gun and rifle, and a good fisherman, +to the end of his life he maintained his interest in sport and in all +the pursuits of the younger life around him, for he was very human. + +It is difficult for a son to write impartially of his mother. My +mother's character was a blend of extreme simplicity and great dignity, +with a limitless gift of sympathy for others. I can say with perfect +truth that, throughout her life, she succeeded in winning the deep love +of all those who were brought into constant contact with her. Very +early in life she fell under the influence of the Evangelical movement, +which was then stirring England to its depths, and she throughout her +days remained faithful to its tenets. It could be said of her that, +though, in the world, she was not of the world. Owing to force of +circumstances, she had at times to take her position in the world, and +no one could do it with greater dignity, or more winning grace; but the +atmosphere of London, both physical and social, was distasteful to her. +She had an idea that the smoke-laden London air affected her lungs, +and, apart from the pleasure of seeing the survivors of the very +intimate circle of friends of her young days, London had few +attractions for her; all her interests were centred in the country, in +country people, and country things. Although deeply religious, her +religion had no gloom about it, for her inextinguishable love of a +joke, and irrepressible sense of fun, remained with her to the end of +her life, and kept her young in spite of her ninety-three years. From +the commencement of her married life, my mother had been in the habit +of "visiting" in the village twice a week, and in every cottage she was +welcomed as a friend, for in addition to her gift of sympathy, she had +a memory almost as tenacious as my father's, and remembered the names +of every one of the cottagers' children, knew where they were employed, +and whom they had married. With the help of her maid, my mother used to +compound a cordial, bottles of which she distributed amongst the +cottagers, a cordial which gained an immense local reputation. The +ingredients of this panacea were one part of strong iron-water to five +parts of old whisky, to which sal-volatile, red lavender, cardamoms, +ginger, and other warming drugs were added. "Her Grace's bottle," as it +was invariably termed, achieved astonishing popularity, and the most +marvellous cures were ascribed to it. I have sometimes wondered whether +its vogue would have been as great had the whisky been eliminated from +its composition. In her home under the Sussex downs, amidst the broad +stretches of heather-clad common, the beautiful Tudor stone-built old +farm-houses, and the undulating woodlands of that most lovable and +typically English county, she continued, to the end of her life, +visiting amongst her less fortunate neighbours, and finding friends in +every house. Her immense vitality and power of entering into the +sorrows and enjoyments of others, led at times to developments very +unexpected in the case of one so aged. For instance, a small +great-nephew of mine had had a pair of stilts given him. The boy was +clumsy at learning to use them, and my mother, who in her youth, could +perform every species of trick upon stilts, was discovered by her +trained nurse mounted on stilts and perambulating the garden on them, +in her eighty-sixth year, for the better instruction of her little +great-grandson. Again, during a great rat-hunt we had organised, the +nurse missed her ninety-year-old charge, to discover her later, in +company with the stable-boy, behind a barn, both of them armed with +sticks, intently watching a rat-hole into which the stable-boy had just +inserted a ferret. + +My mother travelled up to London on one occasion to consult a +celebrated oculist, and confided to him that she was growing +apprehensive about her eyesight, as she began to find it difficult to +read small print by lamplight. The man of Harley Street, after a +careful examination of his patient's eyes, asked whether he might +inquire what her age was. On receiving the reply that she had been +ninety on her last birthday, the specialist assured her that his +experience led him to believe that cases of failing eyesight were by no +means unusual at that age. + +My mother had known all the great characters that had flitted across +the European stage at the beginning of the nineteenth century: +Talleyrand, Metternich, the great Duke of Wellington, and many others. +With her wonderful memory, she was a treasure-house of anecdotes of +these and other well-known personages, which she narrated with all the +skill of the born reconteuse. She belonged, too, to an age in which +letter-writing was cultivated as an art, and was regarded as an +intellectual relaxation. At the time of her death she had one hundred +and sixty-nine direct living descendants: children, grandchildren, +great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren, in addition to +thirty-seven grandchildren and great-grandchildren by marriage. She +kept in touch with all her descendants by habitually corresponding with +them, and the advice given by this shrewd, wise old counsellor, with +her ninety years of experience, was invariably followed by its +recipients. She made a point of travelling to London to attend the +weddings of every one of her descendants, and even journeyed up to be +present at the Coronation of King Edward in her ninetieth year. It is +given to but few to see their GRANDSON'S GRANDSON; it is granted to +fewer to live ninety-three years with the full use of every +intellectual faculty, and the retention of but slightly impaired bodily +powers; and seldom is it possible to live to so great an age with the +powers of enjoyment and of unabated interest in the lives of others +still retained. + +She never returned to Ireland after her widowhood, but was able, up to +the end of her life, to pay a yearly autumn visit to her beloved +Scotland. And so, under the rolling Sussex downs, amidst familiar +woodlands and villages, full of years, and surrounded by the lore of +all those who knew her, the long day closed. + +I think that there is a passage in the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs +which says: "Her children rise up and call her blessed." + +I have reached my appointed limits, leaving unsaid one-half of the +things I had wished to narrate. Reminiscences come crowding in +unbidden, and, like the flickering lights of the Will-o'-the-wisp, they +tend to lead the wayfarer far astray from the path he had originally +traced out for himself. "Jack-o'-lanthorn" is proverbially a fickle +guide to follow, and should I have succumbed to his lure, I can only +proffer my excuses, and plead in extenuation that sixty years is such a +long road to re-travel that an occasional deviation into a by-path by +elderly feet may perhaps be forgiven. + +Charles Kingsley, in the "Water-Babies", has put some very touching +lines into the mouth of the old school-dame in Vendale, lines which +come home with pathetic force to persons of my time of life. + + "When all the world is young, lad, + And all the trees are green; + And every goose a swan, lad, + And every lass a queen; + Then hey for boot and horse, lad, + And round the world away; + Young blood must have its course, lad + And every dog his day. + + "When all the world is old, lad, + And all the trees are brown; + And all the sport is stale, lad, + And all the wheels run down; + Creep home, and take your place there, + The old and spent among: + God grant you find one face there + You loved when all was young." + +I protest indignantly against the idea that all the wheels are run +down; nor are the trees yet brown, for kindly autumn, to soften us to +the inevitable passing of summer, touches the trees with her magic +wand, and forthwith they blaze with crimson and russet-gold, pale-gold +and flaming copper-red. + +In the mellow golden sunshine of the still October days it is sometimes +difficult to realise that the glory of the year has passed beyond +recall, though the sunshine has no longer the genial warmth of July, +and the more delicate flowers are already shrivelled by the first +furtive touches of winter's finger-tips. Experience has taught us that +the many-hued glory of autumn is short-lived; the faintest breeze +brings the leaves fluttering to the ground in golden showers. Soon the +few that remain will patter gently down to earth, their mother. Winter +comes. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Days Before Yesterday, by +Lord Frederick Hamilton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY *** + +***** This file should be named 3827.txt or 3827.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/2/3827/ + +Produced by Charles Franks, Robert Rowe and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. 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Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.07/27/01*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced by Charles Franks, Robert Rowe and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY + + + +FOREWORD + + +The Public has given so kindly a reception to The Varnished Pomps +of Yesterday (a reception which took its author wholly by +surprise), that I have extracted some further reminiscences from +the lumber-room of recollections. Those who expect startling +revelations, or stale whiffs of forgotten scandals in these pages, +will, I fear, be disappointed, for the book contains neither. It +is merely a record of everyday events, covering different ground +to those recounted in the former book, which may, or may not, +prove of interest. I must tender my apologies for the insistent +recurrence of the first person singular; in a book of this +description this is difficult to avoid. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + +CHAPTER I + +Early days--The passage of many terrors--Crocodiles, grizzlies and +hunchbacks--An adventurous journey and its reward--The famous +spring in South Audley Street--Climbing chimney-sweeps--The story +of Mrs. Montagu's son--The sweeps' carnival--Disraeli--Lord John +Russell--A child's ideas about the Whigs--The Earl of Aberdeen-- +"Old Brown Bread"--Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend--A +live lion at a tea-party--Landseer as an artist--Some of his +vagaries--His frescoes at Ardverikie--His latter days--A devoted +friend--His last Academy picture + +CHAPTER II + +The "swells" of the "sixties"--Old Lord Claud Hamilton--My first +presentation to Queen Victoria--Scandalous behaviour of a +brother--Queen Victoria's letters--Her character and strong common +sense--My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.-- +Carlton House, and the Brighton Pavilion--Queen Alexandra--The +Fairchild Family--Dr. Cumming and his church--A clerical Jazz-- +First visit to Paris--General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's +campaign of 1812--Another curious link with the past--"Something +French"--Attraction of Paris--Cinderella's glass slipper--A +glimpse of Napoleon III.--The Rue de Rivoli--The Riviera in 1865-- +A novel Tricolour flag--Jenny Lind--The championship of the +Mediterranean--My father's boat and crew--The race--The Abercorn +wins the championship + +CHAPTER III + +A new departure--A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"--The Irish mail +service--The wonderful old paddle mail-boats--The convivial +waiters of the Munster--The Viceregal Lodge--Indians and pirates-- +The imagination of youth--A modest personal ambition--Death- +warrants; imaginary and real--The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7--The +Abergele railway accident--A Dublin Drawing-Room--Strictly private +ceremonials--Some of the amenities of the Chapel Royal--An +unbidden spectator of the State dinners--Irish wit--Judge Keogh-- +Father Healy--Happy Dublin knack of nomenclature--An unexpected +honour and its cause--Incidents of the Fenian rising--Dr. +Hatchell--A novel prescription--Visit of King Edward--Gorgeous +ceremonial, but a chilly drive--An anecdote of Queen Alexandra + +CHAPTER IV + +Chittenden's--A wonderful teacher--My personal experiences as a +schoolmaster--My "boys in blue"--My unfortunate garments--A "brave +Belge"--The model boy, and his name--A Spartan regime--"The Three +Sundays"--Novel religious observances--Harrow--"John Smith of +Harrow"--"Tommy"--Steele--"Tosher"--An ingenious punishment--John +Farmer--His methods--The birth of a famous song--Harrow school +songs--"Ducker"--The "Curse of Versatility"--Advancing old age-- +The race between three brothers--A family failing--My father's +race at sixty-four--My own--A most acrimonious dispute at Rome-- +Harrow after fifty years + +CHAPTER V + +Mme. Ducros--A Southern French country town--"Tartarin de +Tarascon"--His prototypes at Nyons--M. Sisteron the roysterer--The +Southern French--An octogenarian pasteur--French industry--"Bone- +shakers"--A wonderful "Cordon-bleu"--"Slop-basin"--French legal +procedure--The bons-vivants--The merry French judges--La gaiete +francaise--Delightful excursions--Some sleepy old towns--Oronge +and Avignon--M. Thiers' ingenious cousin--Possibilities--French +political situation in 1874--The Comte de Chambord--Some French +characteristics--High intellectual level--Three days in a +Trappist Monastery--Details of life there--The Arian heresy-- +Silkworm culture--Tendencies of French to complicate details--Some +examples--Cicadas in London. + +CHAPTER VI + +Brunswick--Its beauty--High level of culture--The Brunswick +Theatre--Its excellence--Gas vs. Electricity--Primitive theatre +toilets--Operatic stars in private life--Some operas unknown in +London--Dramatic incidents in them--Levasseur's parody of +"Robert"--Some curious details about operas--Two fiery old pan- +Germans--Influence of the teaching profession on modern Germany-- +The "French and English Clubs"--A meeting of the "English Club" +Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign +tongues--Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875--Concerning +various beers--A German sportsman--The silent, quinine-loving +youth--The Harz Mountains--A "Kettle-drive" for hares--Dialects of +German--The odious "Kaffee-Klatch"--Universal gossip--Hamburg's +overpowering hospitality--Hamburg's attitude towards Britain--The +city itself--Trip to British Heligoland--The island--Some +peculiarities--Migrating birds--Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse--Lady +Maxse--The Heligoland Theatre--Winter in Heligoland + +CHAPTER VII + +Some London beauties of the "seventies"--Great ladies--The +Victorian girl--Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre Two witty ladies-- +Two clever girls and mock-Shakespeare--The family who talked +Johnsonian English--Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation-- +Practical jokes--Lord Charles Beresford and the old Club-member-- +The shoeless legislator--Travellers' palms--The tree that spouted +wine--Ceylon's spicy breezes--Some reflections--Decline of public +interest in Parliament--Parliamentary giants--Gladstone, John +Bright, and Chamberlain--Gladstone's last speech--His resignation-- +W.H. Smith--The Assistant Whips--Sir William Hart-Dyke--Weary +hours at Westminster--A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay + +CHAPTER VIII + +The Foreign Office--The new Private Secretary--A Cabinet key-- +Concerning theatricals--Some surnames which have passed into +everyday use--Theatricals at Petrograd--A mock-opera--The family +from Runcorn--An embarrassing predicament--Administering the +oath--Secret Service--Popular errors--Legitimate employment of +information--The Phoenix Park murders--I sanction an arrest--The +innocent victim--The execution of the murderers of Alexander II.-- +The jarring military band--Black Magic--Sir Charles Wyke--Some +of his experiences--The seance at the Pantheon--Sir Charles' +experiments on myself--The Alchemists--The Elixir of Life, and the +Philosopher's Stone--Lucid directions for their manufacture-- +Glamis Castle and its inhabitants--The tuneful Lyon family--Mr. +Gladstone at Glamis--He sings in the glees--The castle and its +treasures--Recollections of Glamis + +CHAPTER IX + +Canada--The beginnings of the C.P.R.--Attitude of British +Columbia--The C.P.R. completed--Quebec--A swim at Niagara--Other +mighty waterfalls--Ottawa and Rideau Hall--Effects of dry +climate--Personal electricity--Every man his own dynamo-- +Attraction of Ottawa--The "roaring game"--Skating--An ice-palace-- +A ball on skates--Difficulties of translating the Bible into +Eskimo--The building of the snow hut--The snow hut in use--Sir +John Macdonald--Some personal traits--The Canadian Parliament +buildings--Monsieur l'Orateur--A quaint oration--The "Pages' +Parliament"--An all-night sitting--The "Arctic Cremorne"--A +curious Lisbon custom--The Balkan "souvenir-hunters"--Personal +inspection of Canadian convents--Some incidents--The unwelcome +novice--The Montreal Carnival--The Ice-castle--The Skating +Carnival--A stupendous toboggan slide--The pioneer of "ski" in +Canada--The old-fashioned raquettes--A Canadian Spring--Wonders +of the Dominion + +CHAPTER X + +Calcutta--Hooghly pilots--Government House--A Durbar--The sulky +Rajah--The customary formalities--An ingenious interpreter--The +sailing clippers in the Hooghly--Calcutta Cathedral--A succulent +banquet--The mistaken Minister--The "Gordons"--Barrackpore--A +Swiss Family Robinson aerial house--The child and the elephants-- +The merry midshipmen--Some of their escapades--A huge haul of +fishes--Queen Victoria and Hindustani--The Hills--The Manipur +outbreak--A riding tour--A wise old Anglo-Indian--Incidents--The +fidelity of native servants--A novel printing-press--Lucknow--The +loss of an illusion + +CHAPTER XI + +Matters left untold--The results of improved communications--My +father's journey to Naples--Modern stereotyped uniformity--Changes +in customs--The faithful family retainer--Some details--Samuel +Pepys' stupendous banquets--Persistence of idea--Ceremonial +incense--Patriarchal family life--The barn dances--My father's +habits--My mother--A son's tribute--Autumn days--Conclusion + + + + + +THE DAYS BEFORE YESTERDAY + + + +CHAPTER I + + +Early days--The passage of many terrors--Crocodiles, grizzlies and +hunchbacks--An adventurous journey and its reward--The famous +spring in South Audley Street--Climbing chimney-sweeps--The story +of Mrs. Montagu's son--The sweeps' carnival--Disraeli--Lord John +Russell--A child's ideas about the Whigs--The Earl of Aberdeen-- +"Old Brown Bread"--Sir Edwin Landseer, a great family friend--A +live lion at a tea-party--Landseer as an artist--Some of his +vagaries--His frescoes at Ardverikie--His latter days--A devoted +friend--His last Academy picture. + +I was born the thirteenth child of a family of fourteen, on the +thirteenth day of the month, and I have for many years resided at +No. 13 in a certain street in Westminster. In spite of the popular +prejudice attached to this numeral, I am not conscious of having +derived any particular ill-fortune from my accidental association +with it. + +Owing to my sequence in the family procession, I found myself on +my entry into the world already equipped with seven sisters and +four surviving brothers. I was also in the unusual position of +being born an uncle, finding myself furnished with four ready- +made nephews--the present Lord Durham, his two brothers, Mr. +Frederick Lambton and Admiral-of-the-Fleet Sir Hedworth Meux, and +the late Lord Lichfield. + +Looking down the long vista of sixty years with eyes that have +already lost their keen vision, the most vivid impression that +remains of my early childhood is the nightly ordeal of the journey +down "The Passage of Many Terrors" in our Irish home. It had been +decreed that, as I had reached the mature age of six, I was quite +old enough to come downstairs in the evening by myself without the +escort of a maid, but no one seemed to realise what this entailed +on the small boy immediately concerned. The house had evidently +been built by some malevolent architect with the sole object of +terrifying little boys. Never, surely, had such a prodigious +length of twisting, winding passages and such a superfluity of +staircases been crammed into one building, and as in the early +"sixties" electric light had not been thought of, and there was no +gas in the house, these endless passages were only sparingly lit +with dim colza-oil lamps. From his nursery the little boy had to +make his way alone through a passage and up some steps. These were +brightly lit, and concealed no terrors. The staircase that had to +be negotiated was also reassuringly bright, but at its base came +the "Terrible Passage." It was interminably long, and only lit by +an oil lamp at its far end. Almost at once a long corridor running +at right angles to the main one, and plunged in total darkness, +had to be crossed. This was an awful place, for under a marble +slab in its dim recesses a stuffed crocodile reposed. Of course in +the daytime the crocodile PRETENDED to be very dead, but every one +knew that as soon as it grew dark, the crocodile came to life +again, and padded noiselessly about the passage on its scaly paws +seeking for its prey, with its great cruel jaws snapping, its +fierce teeth gleaming, and its horny tail lashing savagely from +side to side. It was also a matter of common knowledge that the +favourite article of diet of crocodiles was a little boy with bare +legs in a white suit. Even should one be fortunate enough to +escape the crocodile's jaws, there were countless other terrors +awaiting the traveller down this awe-inspiring passage. A little +farther on there was a dark lobby, with cupboards surrounding it. +Any one examining these cupboards by daylight would have found +that they contained innocuous cricket-bats and stumps, croquet- +mallets and balls, and sets of bowls. But as soon as the shades of +night fell, these harmless sporting accessories were changed by +some mysterious and malign agency into grizzly bears, and grizzly +bears are notoriously the fiercest of their species. It was +advisable to walk very quickly, but quietly, past the lair of the +grizzlies, for they would have gobbled up a little boy in one +second. Immediately after the bears' den came the culminating +terror of all--the haunt of the wicked little hunchbacks. These +malignant little beings inhabited an arched and recessed cross- +passage. It was their horrible habit to creep noiselessly behind +their victims, tip...tip...tip-toeing silently but swiftly behind +their prey, and then ... with a sudden spring they threw +themselves on to little boys' backs, and getting their arms round +their necks, they remorselessly throttled the life out of them. In +the early "sixties" there was a perfect epidemic of so-called +"garrotting" in London. Harmless citizens proceeding peaceably +homeward through unfrequented streets or down suburban roads at +night were suddenly seized from behind by nefarious hands, and +found arms pressed under their chins against their windpipe, with +a second hand drawing their heads back until they collapsed +insensible, and could be despoiled leisurely of any valuables they +might happen to have about them. Those familiar with John Leech's +Punch Albums will recollect how many of his drawings turned on +this outbreak of garrotting. The little boy had heard his elders +talking about this garrotting, and had somehow mixed it up with a +story about hunchbacks and the fascinating local tales about "the +wee people," but the terror was a very real one for all that. The +hunchbacks baffled, there only remained a dark archway to pass, +but this archway led to the "Robbers' Passage." A peculiarly +bloodthirsty gang of malefactors had their fastnesses along this +passage, but the dread of being in the immediate neighbourhood of +such a band of desperadoes was considerably modified by the +increasing light, as the solitary oil-lamp of the passage was +approached. Under the comforting beams of this lamp the little boy +would pause until his heart began to thump less wildly after his +deadly perils, and he would turn the handle of the door and walk +into the great hall as demurely as though he had merely traversed +an ordinary everyday passage in broad daylight. It was very +reassuring to see the big hall blazing with light, with the logs +roaring on the open hearth, and grown-ups writing, reading, and +talking unconcernedly, as though unconscious of the awful dangers +lurking within a few yards of them. In that friendly atmosphere, +what with toys and picture-books, the fearful experiences of the +"Passage of Many Terrors" soon faded away, and the return journey +upstairs would be free from alarms, for Catherine, the nursery- +maid, would come to fetch the little boy when his bedtime arrived. + +Catherine was fat, freckled, and French. She was also of a very +stolid disposition. She stumped unconcernedly along the "Passage +of Terrors," and any reference to its hidden dangers of robbers, +hunchbacks, bears, and crocodiles only provoked the remark, "Quel +tas de betises!" In order to reassure the little boy, Catherine +took him to view the stuffed crocodile reposing inertly under its +marble slab. Of course, before a grown-up the crocodile would +pretend to be dead and stuffed, but ... the little boy knew +better. It occurred gleefully to him, too, that the plump French +damsel might prove more satisfactory as a repast to a hungry +saurian than a skinny little boy with thin legs. In the cheerful +nursery, with its fragrant peat fire (we called it "turf"), the +terrors of the evening were quickly forgotten, only to be renewed +with tenfold activity next evening, as the moment for making the +dreaded journey again approached. + +The little boy had had the Pilgrim's Progress read to him on +Sundays. He envied "Christian," who not only usually enjoyed the +benefit of some reassuring companion, such as "Mr. Interpreter," +or "Mr. Greatheart," to help him on his road, but had also been +expressly told, "Keep in the midst of the path, and no harm shall +come to thee." This was distinctly comforting, and Christian +enjoyed another conspicuous advantage. All the lions he +encountered in the course of his journey were chained up, and +could not reach him provided he adhered to the Narrow Way. The +little boy thought seriously of tying a rolled-up tablecloth to +his back to represent Christian's pack; in his white suit, he +might perhaps then pass for a pilgrim, and the strip of carpet +down the centre of the passage would make an admirable Narrow Way, +but it all depended on whether the crocodile, bears, and +hunchbacks knew, and would observe the rules of the game. It was +most improbable that the crocodile had ever had the Pilgrim's +Progress read to him in his youth, and he might not understand +that the carpet representing the Narrow Way was inviolable +territory. Again, the bears might make their spring before they +realised that, strictly speaking, they ought to consider +themselves chained up. The ferocious little hunchbacks were +clearly past praying for; nothing would give them a sense of the +most elementary decency. On the whole, the safest plan seemed to +be, on reaching the foot of the stairs, to keep an eye on the +distant lamp and to run to it as fast as short legs and small feet +could carry one. Once safe under its friendly beams, panting +breath could be recovered, and the necessary stolid look assumed +before entering the hall. + +There was another voyage, rich in its promise of ultimate rewards, +but so perilous that it would only be undertaken under escort. +That was to the housekeeper's room through a maze of basement +passages. On the road two fiercely-gleaming roaring pits of fire +had to be encountered. Grown-ups said this was the furnace that +heated the house, but the little boy had his own ideas on the +subject. Every Sunday his nurse used to read to him out of a +little devotional book, much in vogue in the "sixties," called The +Peep of Day, a book with the most terrifying pictures. One Sunday +evening, so it is said, the little boy's mother came into the +nursery to find him listening in rapt attention to what his nurse +was reading him. + +"Emery is reading to me out of a good book," explained the small +boy quite superfluously. + +"And do you like it, dear?" + +"Very much indeed." + +"What is Emery reading to you about? Is it about Heaven?" + +"No, it's about 'ell," gleefully responded the little boy, who had +not yet found all his "h's." + +Those glowing furnace-bars; those roaring flames ... there could +be no doubt whatever about it. A hymn spoke of "Gates of Hell" ... +of course they just called it the heating furnace to avoid +frightening him. The little boy became acutely conscious of his +misdeeds. He had taken ... no, stolen an apple from the nursery +pantry and had eaten it. Against all orders he had played with the +taps in the sink. The burden of his iniquities pressed heavily on +him; remembering the encouraging warnings Mrs. Fairchild, of The +Fairchild Family, gave her offspring as to their certain ultimate +destiny when they happened to break any domestic rule, he simply +dared not pass those fiery apertures alone. With his hand in that +of his friend Joseph, the footman, it was quite another matter. +Out of gratitude, he addressed Joseph as "Mr. Greatheart," but +Joseph, probably unfamiliar with the Pilgrim's Progress, replied +that his name was Smith. + +The interminable labyrinth of passages threaded, the warm, +comfortable housekeeper's room, with its red curtains, oak presses +and a delicious smell of spice pervading it, was a real haven of +rest. To this very day, nearly sixty years afterwards, it still +looks just the same, and keeps its old fragrant spicy odour. +Common politeness dictated a brief period of conversation, until +Mrs. Pithers, the housekeeper, should take up her wicker key- +basket and select a key (the second press on the left). From that +inexhaustible treasure-house dates and figs would appear, also +dried apricots and those little discs of crystallised apple-paste +which, impaled upon straws, and coloured green, red and yellow, +were in those days manufactured for the special delectation of +greedy little boys. What a happy woman Mrs. Pithers must have been +with such a prodigal wealth of delicious products always at her +command! It was comforting, too, to converse with Mrs. Pithers, +for though this intrepid woman was alarmed neither by bears, +hunchbacks nor crocodiles, she was terribly frightened by what she +termed "cows," and regulated her daily walks so as to avoid any +portion of the park where cattle were grazing. Here the little boy +experienced a delightful sense of masculine superiority. He was +not the least afraid of cattle, or of other things in daylight and +the open air; of course at night in dark passages infested with +bears and little hunchbacks ... Well, it was obviously different. +And yet that woman who was afraid of "cows" could walk without a +tremor, or a little shiver down the spine, past the very "Gates of +Hell," where they roared and blazed in the dark passage. + +Our English home had brightly-lit passages, and was consequently +practically free from bears and robbers. Still, we all preferred +the Ulster home in spite of its obvious perils. Here were a chain +of lakes, wide, silvery expanses of gleaming water reflecting the +woods and hills. Here were great tracts of woodlands where +countless little burns chattered and tinkled in their rocky beds +as they hurried down to the lakes, laughing as they tumbled in +miniature cascades over rocky ledges into swirling pools, in their +mad haste to reach the placid waters below. Here were purple +heather-clad hills, with their bigger brethren rising mistily blue +in the distance, and great wine-coloured tracts of bog (we called +them "flows") interspersed with glistening bands of water, where +the turf had been cut which hung over the village in a thin haze +of fragrant blue smoke. + +The woods in the English place were beautifully kept, but they +were uninteresting, for there were no rocks or great stones in +them. An English brook was a dull, prosaic, lifeless stream, +rolling its clay-stained waters stolidly along, with never a +dimple of laughter on its surface, or a joyous little gurgle of +surprise at finding that it was suddenly called upon to take a +headlong leap of ten feet. The English brooks were so silent, too, +compared to our noisy Ulster burns, whose short lives were one +clamorous turmoil of protest against the many obstacles with which +nature had barred their progress to the sea; here swirling over a +miniature crag, there babbling noisily among a labyrinth of +stones. They ultimately became merged in a foaming, roaring salmon +river, expanding into amber-coloured pools, or breaking into white +rapids; a river which retained to the last its lordly independence +and reached the sea still free, refusing to be harnessed or +confined by man. Our English brook, after its uneventful +childhood, made its stolid matter-of-fact way into an equally dull +little river which crawled inertly along to its destiny somewhere +down by the docks. I know so many people whose whole lives are +like that of that particular English brook. + +We lived then in London at Chesterfield House, South Audley +Street, which covered three times the amount of ground it does at +present, for at the back it had a very large garden, on which +Chesterfield Gardens are now built. In addition to this it had two +wings at right angles to it, one now occupied by Lord Leconfield's +house, the other by Nos. 1 and 2, South Audley Street. The left- +hand wing was used as our stables and contained a well which +enjoyed an immense local reputation in Mayfair. Never was such +drinking-water! My father allowed any one in the neighbourhood to +fetch their drinking-water from our well, and one of my earliest +recollections is watching the long daily procession of men- +servants in the curious yellow-jean jackets of the "sixties," each +with two large cans in his hands, fetching the day's supply of our +matchless water. No inhabitants of Curzon Street, Great Stanhope +Street, or South Audley Street would dream of touching any water +but that from the famous Chesterfield House spring. In 1867 there +was a serious outbreak of Asiatic cholera in London, and my father +determined to have the water of the celebrated spring analysed. +There were loud protests at this:--what, analyse the finest +drinking-water in England! My father, however, persisted, and the +result of the analysis was that our incomparable drinking-water +was found to contain thirty per cent. of organic matter. The +analyst reported that fifteen per cent. of the water must be pure +sewage. My father had the spring sealed and bricked up at once, +but it is a marvel that we had not poisoned every single +inhabitant of the Mayfair district years before. + +In the early "sixties" the barbarous practice of sending wretched +little "climbing boys" up chimneys to sweep them still prevailed. +In common with most other children of that day, I was perfectly +terrified when the chimney-sweep arrived with his attendant coal- +black imps, for the usual threat of foolish nurses to their +charges when they proved refractory was, "If you are not good I +shall give you to the sweep, and then you will have to climb up +the chimney." When the dust-sheets laid on the floors announced +the advent of the sweeps, I used, if possible, to hide until they +had left the house. I cannot understand how public opinion +tolerated for so long the abominable cruelty of forcing little +boys to clamber up flues. These unhappy brats were made to creep +into the chimneys from the grates, and then to wriggle their way +up by digging their toes into the interstices of the bricks, and +by working their elbows and knees alternately; stifled in the +pitch-darkness of the narrow flue by foul air, suffocated by the +showers of soot that fell on them, perhaps losing their way in the +black maze of chimneys, and liable at any moment, should they lose +their footing, to come crashing down twenty feet, either to be +killed outright in the dark or to lie with a broken limb until +they were extricated--should, indeed, it be possible to rescue +them at all. These unfortunate children, too, were certain to get +abrasions on their bare feet and on their elbows and knees from +the rough edges of the bricks. The soot working into these +abrasions gave them a peculiar form of sore. Think of the terrible +brutality to which a nervous child must have been subjected before +he could be induced to undertake so hateful a journey for the +first time. Should the boy hesitate to ascend, many of the master- +sweeps had no compunction in giving him what was termed a +"tickler"--that is, in lighting some straw in the grate below him. +The poor little urchin had perforce to scramble up his chimney +then, to avoid being roasted alive. + +All honour to the seventh Earl of Shaftesbury, the philanthropist, +who as Lord Ashley never rested in the House of Commons until he +got a measure placed on the Statute Book making the employment of +climbing-boys illegal. + +It will be remembered that little Tom, the hero of Charles +Kingsley's delightful Water-Babies, was a climbing-sweep. In spite +of all my care, I occasionally met some of these little fellows in +the passages, inky-black with soot from the soles of their bare +feet to the crowns of their heads, except for the whites of their +eyes. They could not have been above eight or nine years old. I +looked on them as awful warnings, for of course they would not +have occupied their present position had they not been little boys +who had habitually disobeyed the orders of their nurses. + +Even the wretched little climbing-boys had their gala-day on the +1st of May, when they had a holiday and a feast under the terms of +Mrs. Montagu's will. + +The story of Mrs. Montagu is well known. The large house standing +in a garden at the corner of Portman Square and Gloucester Place, +now owned by Lord Portman, was built for Mrs. Montagu by James +Wyatt at the end of the eighteenth century, and the adjoining +Montagu Street and Montagu Square derive their names from her. +Somehow Mrs. Montagu's only son got kidnapped, and all attempts to +recover the child failed. Time went on, and he was regarded as +dead. On a certain 1st of May the sweeps arrived to clean Mrs. +Montagu's chimneys, and a climbing-boy was sent up to his horrible +task. Like Tom in the Water-Babies, he lost his way in the network +of flues and emerged in a different room to the one he had started +from. Something in the aspect of the room struck a half-familiar, +half-forgotten chord in his brain. He turned the handle of the +door of the next room and found a lady seated there. Then he +remembered. Filthy and soot-stained as he was, the little sweep +flung himself into the arms of the beautiful lady with a cry of +"Mother!" Mrs. Montagu had found her lost son. + +In gratitude for the recovery of her son, Mrs. Montagu entertained +every climbing-boy in London at dinner on the anniversary of her +son's return, and arranged that they should all have a holiday on +that day. At her death she left a legacy to continue the treat. + +Such, at least, is the story as I have always heard it. + +At the Sweeps' Carnival, there was always a grown-up man figuring +as "Jack-in-the-green." Encased in an immense frame of wicker-work +covered with laurels and artificial flowers, from the midst of +which his face and arms protruded with a comical effect, "Jack-in- +the-green" capered slowly about in the midst of the street, +surrounded by some twenty little climbing-boys, who danced +joyously round him with black faces, their soot-stained clothes +decorated with tags of bright ribbon, and making a deafening +clamour with their dustpans and brushes as they sang some popular +ditty. They then collected money from the passers-by, making +usually quite a good haul. There were dozens of these "Jacks-in- +the-green" to be seen then on Mayday in the London streets, each +one with his attendant band of little black familiars. I summoned +up enough courage once to ask a small inky-black urchin whether he +had disobeyed his nurse very often in order to be condemned to +sweep chimneys. He gaped at me uncomprehendingly, with a grin; but +being a cheerful little soul, assured me that, on the whole, he +rather enjoyed climbing up chimneys. + +It was my father and mother's custom in London to receive any of +their friends at luncheon without a formal invitation, and a +constant procession of people availed themselves of this +privilege. At six years of age I was promoted to lunch in the +dining-room with my parents, and I always kept my ears open. I had +then one brother in the House of Commons, and we being a +politically inclined family, most of the notabilities of the Tory +party put in occasional appearances at Chesterfield House at +luncheon-time. There was Mr. Disraeli, for whom my father had an +immense admiration, although he had not yet occupied the post of +Prime Minister. Mr. Disraeli's curiously impassive face, with its +entire absence of colouring, rather frightened me. It looked like +a mask. He had, too, a most singular voice, with a very impressive +style of utterance. After 1868, by which time my three elder +brothers were all in the House of Commons, and Disraeli himself +was Prime Minister, he was a more frequent visitor at our house. + +In 1865 my uncle, Lord John Russell, my mother's brother, was +Prime Minister. My uncle, who had been born as far back as 1792, +was a very tiny man, who always wore one of the old-fashioned, +high black-satin stocks right up to his chin. I liked him, for he +was always full of fun and small jokes, but in that rigorously +Tory household he was looked on with scant favour. It was his +second term of office as Prime Minister, for he had been First +Lord of the Treasury from 1846 to 1852; he had also sat in the +House of Commons for forty-seven years. My father was rather +inclined to ridicule his brother-in-law's small stature, and +absolutely detested his political opinions, declaring that he +united all the ineradicable faults of the Whigs in his diminutive +person. Listening, as a child will do, to the conversation of his +elders, I derived the most grotesquely false ideas as to the Whigs +and their traditional policy. I gathered that, with their tongues +in their cheeks, they advocated measures in which they did not +themselves believe, should they think that by so doing they would +be able to enhance their popularity and maintain themselves in +office: that, in order to extricate themselves from some present +difficulty, they were always prepared to mortgage the future +recklessly, quite regardless of the ultimate consequences: that +whilst professing the most liberal principles, they were absurdly +exclusive in their private lives, not consorting with all and +sundry as we poor Tories did: that convictions mattered less than +office: that in fact nothing much mattered, provided that the +government of the country remained permanently in the hands of a +little oligarchy of Whig families, and that every office of profit +under the Crown was, as a matter of course, allotted to some +member of those favoured families. In proof of the latter +statement, I learnt that the first act of my uncle Lord John, as +Prime Minister, had been to appoint one of his brothers Sergeant- +at-Arms of the House of Commons, and to offer to another of his +brothers, the Rev. Lord Wriothesley Russell, the vacant Bishopric +of Oxford. Much to the credit of my clergyman-uncle, he declined +the Bishopric, saying that he had neither the eloquence nor the +administrative ability necessary for so high an office in the +Church, and that he preferred to remain a plain country parson in +his little parish, of which, at the time of his death, he had been +Rector for fifty-six years. All of which only goes to show what +absurdly erroneous ideas a child, anxious to learn, may pick up +from listening to the conversation of his elders, even when one of +those elders happened to be Mr. Disraeli himself. + +Another ex-Prime Minister who was often at our house was the +fourth Earl of Aberdeen, who had held office many times, and had +been Prime Minister during the Crimean War. He must have been a +very old man then, for he was born in 1784. I have no very +distinct recollection of him. Oddly enough, Lord Aberdeen was both +my great-uncle and my step-grandfather, for his first wife had +been my grandfather's sister, and after her death, he married my +grandfather's widow, his two wives thus being sisters-in-law. +Judging by their portraits by Lawrence, which hung round our +dining-room, my great-grandfather, old Lord Abercorn's sons and +daughters must have been of singular and quite unusual personal +beauty. Not one of the five attained the age of twenty-nine, all +of them succumbing early to consumption. Lord Aberdeen had a most +unfortunate skin and complexion, and in addition he was deeply +pitted with small-pox. As a result his face looked exactly like a +slice of brown bread, and "Old Brown Bread" he was always called +by my elder brothers and sisters, who had but little love for him, +for he disliked young people, and always made the most +disagreeable remarks he could think of to them. I remember once +being taken to see him at Argyll House, Regent Street, on the site +of which the "Palladium" now stands. I recollect perfectly the +ugly, gloomy house, and its uglier and gloomier garden, but I have +no remembrance of "Old Brown Bread" himself, or of what he said to +me, which, considering his notorious dislike to children, is +perhaps quite as well. + +Of a very different type was another constant and always welcome +visitor to our house, Sir Edwin Landseer, the painter. He was one +of my father and mother's oldest friends, and had been an equally +close friend of my grandparents, the Duke and Duchess of Bedford. +He had painted three portraits of my father, and five of my +mother. Two of the latter had been engraved, and, under the titles +of "Cottage Industry" and "The Mask," had a very large sale in +mid-Victorian days. His large picture of my two eldest sisters, +which hung over our dining-room chimney-piece, had also been +engraved, and was a great favourite, under the title of "The +Abercorn Children." Landseer was a most delightful person, and the +best company that can be imagined. My father and mother were quite +devoted to him, and both of them always addressed him as "Lanny." +My mother going to call on him at his St. John's Wood house, found +"Lanny" in the garden, working from a ladder on a gigantic mass of +clay. Turning the corner, she was somewhat alarmed at finding a +full-grown lion stretched out on the lawn. Landseer had been +commissioned by the Government to model the four lions for the +base of Nelson's pillar in Trafalgar Square. He had made some +studies in the Zoological Gardens, but as he always preferred +working from the live model, he arranged that an elderly and +peculiarly docile lion should be brought to his house from the Zoo +in a furniture van attended by two keepers. Should any one wish to +know what that particular lion looked like, they have only to +glance at the base of the Nelson pillar. On paying an afternoon +call, it is so unusual to find a live lion included amongst the +guests, that my mother's perturbation at finding herself in such +close proximity to a huge loose carnivore is, perhaps, pardonable. +Landseer is, of course, no longer in fashion as a painter. I quite +own that at times his colour is unpleasing, owing to the bluish +tint overlaying it; but surely no one will question his +draughtsmanship? And has there ever been a finer animal-painter? +Perhaps he was really a black-and-white man. My family possess +some three hundred drawings of his: some in pen and ink, some in +wash, some in pencil. I personally prefer his very delicate pencil +work, over which he sometimes threw a light wash of colour. No +one, seeing some of his pen and ink work, can deny that he was a +master of line. A dozen scratches, and the whole picture is there! +There is a charming little Landseer portrait of my mother with my +eldest sister, in Room III of the Tate Gallery. Landseer preferred +painting on panel, and he never would allow his pictures to be +varnished. His wishes have been obeyed in that respect; none of +the Landseers my family possess have ever been varnished. + +He was certainly an unconventional guest in a country house. My +father had rented a deer-forest on a long lease from Cluny +Macpherson, and had built a large house there, on Loch Laggan. As +that was before the days of railways, the interior of the house at +Ardverikie was necessarily very plain, and the rooms were merely +whitewashed. Landseer complained that the glare of the whitewash +in the dining-room hurt his eyes, and without saying a word to any +one, he one day produced his colours, mounted a pair of steps, and +proceeded to rough-in a design in charcoal on the white walls. He +worked away until he had completely covered the walls with +frescoes in colour. The originals of some of his best-known +engravings, "The Sanctuary," "The Challenge," "The Monarch of the +Glen," made their first appearance on the walls of the dining-room +at Ardverikie. The house was unfortunately destroyed by fire some +years later, and Landseer's frescoes perished with it. + +At another time, my father leased for two years a large house in +the Midlands. The dining-hall of this house was hung with +hideously wooden full-length portraits of the family owning it. +Landseer declared that these monstrous pictures took away his +appetite, so without any permission he one day mounted a ladder, +put in high-lights with white chalk over the oils, made the dull +eyes sparkle, and gave some semblance of life to these forlorn +effigies. Pleased with his success, he then brightened up the +flesh tints with red chalk, and put some drawing into the faces. +To complete his work, he rubbed blacks into the backgrounds with +charcoal. The result was so excellent that we let it remain. At +the conclusion of my father's tenancy, the family to whom the +place belonged were perfectly furious at the disrespect with which +their cherished portraits had been treated, for it was a +traditional article of faith with them that they were priceless +works of art. + +Towards the end of his life Landseer became hopelessly insane and, +during his periods of violence a dangerous homicidal maniac. Such +an affection, however, had my father and mother for the friend of +their younger days, that they still had him to stay with us in +Kent for long periods. He had necessarily to bring a large retinue +with him: his own trained mental attendant; Dr. Tuke, a very +celebrated alienist in his day; and, above all, Mrs. Pritchard. +The case of Mrs. Pritchard is such an instance of devoted +friendship as to be worth recording. She was an elderly widow of +small means, Landseer's neighbour in St. John's Wood; a little +dried-up, shrivelled old woman. The two became firm allies, and +when Landseer's reason became hopelessly deranged, Mrs. Pritchard +devoted her whole life to looking after her afflicted friend. In +spite of her scanty means, she refused to accept any salary, and +Landseer was like wax in her hands. In his most violent moods when +the keeper and Dr. Tuke both failed to quiet him, Mrs. Pritchard +had only to hold up her finger and he became calm at once. Either +his clouded reason or some remnant of his old sense of fun led him +to talk of Mrs. Pritchard as his "pocket Venus." To people staying +with us (who, I think, were a little alarmed at finding themselves +in the company of a lunatic, however closely watched he might be), +he would say, "In two minutes you will see the loveliest of her +sex. A little dainty creature, perfect in feature, perfect in +shape, who might have stepped bodily out of the frame of a Greuze. +A perfect dream of loveliness." They were considerably astonished +when a little wizened woman, with a face like a withered apple, +entered the room. He was fond, too, of descanting on Mrs. +Pritchard's wonderfully virtuous temperament, notwithstanding her +amazing charms. Visitors probably reflected that, given her +appearance, the path of duty must have been rendered very easy to +her. + +Landseer painted his last Academy picture, "The Baptismal Font," +whilst staying with us. It is a perfectly meaningless composition, +representing a number of sheep huddled round a font, for whatever +allegorical significance he originally meant to give it eluded the +poor clouded brain. As he always painted from the live model, he +sent down to the Home Farm for two sheep, which he wanted driven +upstairs into his bedroom, to the furious indignation of the +housekeeper, who declared, with a certain amount of reason, that +it was impossible to keep a house well if live sheep were to be +allowed in the best bedrooms. So Landseer, his easel and colours +and his sheep were all transferred to the garden. + +On another occasion there was some talk about a savage bull. +Landseer, muttering, "Bulls! bulls! bulls!" snatched up an album +of my sister's, and finding a blank page in it, made an exquisite +little drawing of a charging bull. The disordered brain repeating +"Bulls! bulls! bulls!" he then drew a bulldog, a pair of +bullfinches surrounded by bulrushes, and a hooked bull trout +fighting furiously for freedom. That page has been cut out and +framed for fifty years. + + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +The "swells" of the "sixties"--Old Lord Claud Hamilton--My first +presentation to Queen Victoria--Scandalous behaviour of a brother-- +Queen Victoria's letters--Her character and strong common sense-- +My mother's recollections of George III. and George IV.--Carlton +House, and the Brighton Pavilion--Queen Alexandra--The Fairchild +Family--Dr. Cumming and his church--A clerical Jazz--First visit +to Paris--General de Flahault's account of Napoleon's campaign of +1812--Another curious link with the past--"Something French"-- +Attraction of Paris--Cinderella's glass slipper--A glimpse of +Napoleon III.--The Rue de Rivoli The Riviera in 1865--A novel +Tricolor flag--Jenny Lind--The championship of the Mediterranean-- +My father's boat and crew--The race--The Abercorn wins the +championship. + + Every one familiar with John Leech's Pictures from Punch must +have an excellent idea of the outward appearance of "swells" of +the "sixties." + +As a child I had an immense admiration for these gorgeous beings, +though, between ourselves, they must have been abominably loud +dressers. They affected rather vulgar sealskin waistcoats, with +the festoons of a long watch-chain meandering over them, above +which they exhibited a huge expanse of black or blue satin, +secured by two scarf-pins of the same design, linked together, +like Siamese twins, by a little chain. + +A reference to Leech's drawings will show the flamboyant checked +"pegtop" trousers in which they delighted. Their principal +adornment lay in their immense "Dundreary" whiskers, usually at +least eight inches long. In a high wind these immensely long +whiskers blew back over their owners' shoulders in the most +comical fashion, and they must have been horribly inconvenient. I +determined early in life to affect, when grown-up, longer whiskers +than any one else--if possible down to my waist; but alas for +human aspirations! By the time that I had emerged from my +chrysalis stage, Dundreary whiskers had ceased to be the fashion; +added to which unkind Nature had given me a hairless face. + +My uncle, old Lord Claud Hamilton, known in our family as "The +Dowager," adhered, to the day of his death, to the William IV. +style of dress. He wore an old-fashioned black-satin stock right +up to his chin, with white "gills" above, and was invariably seen +in a blue coat with brass buttons, and a buff waistcoat. My uncle +was one of the handsomest men in England, and had sat for nearly +forty years in Parliament. He had one curious faculty. He could +talk fluently and well on almost any topic at indefinite length, a +very useful gift in the House of Commons of those days. On one +occasion when it was necessary "to talk a Bill out," he got up +without any preparation whatever, and addressed the House in +flowing periods for four hours and twenty minutes. His speech held +the record for length for many years, but it was completely +eclipsed in the early "eighties" by the late Mr. Biggar, who spoke +(if my memory serves me right) for nearly six hours on one +occasion. Biggar, however, merely read interminable extracts from +Blue Books, whereas my uncle indulged in four hours of genuine +rhetorical declamation. My uncle derived his nickname from the +fact that in our family the second son is invariably christened +Claud, so I had already a brother of that name. There happen to be +three Lord Claud Hamiltons living now, of three successive +generations. + +I shall never forget my bitter disappointment the first time I was +taken, at a very early age, to see Queen Victoria. I had pictured +to myself a dazzling apparition arrayed in sumptuous robes, seated +on a golden throne; a glittering crown on her head, a sceptre in +one hand, an orb grasped in the other. I had fancied Her Majesty +seated thus, motionless during the greater part of the twenty-four +hours, simply "reigning." I could have cried with disappointment +when a middle-aged lady, simply dressed in widow's "weeds" and +wearing a widow's cap, rose from an ordinary arm-chair to receive +us. I duly made my bow, but having a sort of idea that it had to +be indefinitely repeated, went on nodding like a porcelain Chinese +mandarin, until ordered to stop. + +Between ourselves, I behaved far better than a brother of mine +once did under similar circumstances. Many years before I was +born, my father lent his Scotch house to Queen Victoria and the +Prince Consort for ten days. This entailed my two eldest sisters +and two eldest brothers vacating their nurseries in favour of the +Royal children, and their being transferred to the farm, where +they had very cramped quarters indeed. My second brother deeply +resented being turned out of his comfortable nursery, and refused +to be placated. On the day after the Queen's arrival, my mother +took her four eldest children to present them to Her Majesty, my +sisters dressed in their best clothes, my brothers being in kilts. +They were duly instructed as to how they were to behave, and upon +being presented, my two sisters made their curtsies, and my eldest +brother made his best bow. "And this, your Majesty, is my second +boy. Make your bow, dear," said my mother; but my brother, his +heart still hot within him at being expelled from his nursery, +instead of bowing, STOOD ON HIS HEAD IN HIS KILT, and remained +like that, an accomplishment of which he was very proud. The Queen +was exceedingly angry, so later in the day, upon my brother +professing deep penitence, he was taken back to make his +apologies, when he did precisely the same thing over again, and +was consequently in disgrace during the whole of the Royal visit. +In strict confidence, I believe that he would still do it to-day, +more than seventy-two years later. + +During her stay in my father's house the Queen quite unexpectedly +announced that she meant to give a dance. This put my mother in a +great difficulty, for my sisters had no proper clothes for a ball, +and in those pre-railway days it would have taken at least ten +days to get anything from Edinburgh or Glasgow. My mother had a +sudden inspiration. The muslin curtains in the drawing-room! The +drawing-room curtains were at once commandeered; the ladies'- +maids set to work with a will, and I believe that my sisters +looked extremely well dressed in the curtains, looped up with +bunches of rowan or mountain-ash berries. + +My mother was honoured with Queen Victoria's close friendship and +confidence for over fifty years. At the time of her death she had +in her possession a numerous collection of letters from the Queen, +many of them very long ones. By the express terms of my mother's +will, those letters will never be published. Many of them touch on +exceedingly private matters relating to the Royal family, others +refer to various political problems of the day. I have read all +those letters carefully, and I fully endorse my mother's views. +She was honoured with the confidence of her Sovereign, and that +confidence cannot be betrayed. The letters are in safe custody, +and there they will remain. On reading them it is impossible not +to be struck with Queen Victoria's amazing shrewdness, and with +her unfailing common sense. It so happens that both a brother and +a sister of mine, the late Duchess of Buccleuch, were brought into +very close contact with Queen Victoria. It was this quality of +strong common sense in the Queen which continually impressed them, +as well as her very high standard of duty. + +My brother George was twice Secretary of State for India. The +Queen was fond of suggesting amendments in the wording of +dispatches relating to India, whilst not altering their sense. My +brother tells me that the alterations suggested by the Queen were +invariably in the direction of simplification. The Queen had a +knack of stripping away unnecessary verbiage and reducing a +sentence to its simplest form, in which its meaning was +unmistakably clear. + +All Queen Victoria's tastes were simple. She liked simplicity in +dress, in food, and in her surroundings. If I may say so without +disrespect, I think that Queen Victoria's great hold on her people +came from the fact that, in spite of her high station, she had the +ideals, the tastes, the likes and dislikes of the average clean- +living, clean-minded wife of the average British professional man, +together with the strict ideals as to the sanctity of the +marriage-tie, the strong sense of duty, and the high moral +standard such wives usually possess. + +It is, of course, the easy fashion now to sneer at Victorian +standards. To my mind they embody all that is clean and sound in +the nation. It does not follow that because Victorians revelled in +hideous wall-papers and loved ugly furniture, that therefore their +points-of-view were mistaken ones. There are things more important +than wall-papers. They certainly liked the obvious in painting, in +music, and perhaps in literature, but it hardly seems to follow +logically from that, that their conceptions of a man's duty to his +wife, family, and country were necessarily false ones. They were +not afflicted with the perpetual modern restlessness, nor did they +spend "their time in nothing else, but either to tell, or to hear +some new thing"; still, all their ideas seem to me eminently sweet +and wholesome. + +In her old age my mother was the last person living who had seen +George III. She remembered perfectly seeing the old King, in one +of his rare lucid intervals, driving through London, when he was +enthusiastically cheered. + +She was also the last person alive who had been at Carlton House +which was pulled down in 1826. My mother at the age of twelve +danced as a solo "The Spanish Shawl dance" before George IV. at +the Pavilion, Brighton. The King was so delighted with her dancing +that he went up to her and said, "You are a very pretty little +girl, and you dance charmingly. Now is there anything I can do for +you?" The child answered, "Yes, there is. Your Majesty can bring +me some ham sandwiches and a glass of port-wine negus, for I am +very hungry," and to do George IV. justice, he promptly brought +them. My mother was painted by a French artist doing her "shawl +dance," and if it is a faithful likeness, she must have been an +extraordinarily pretty child. On another occasion at a children's +party at Carlton House, my uncle, General Lord Alexander Russell, +a very outspoken little boy, had been warned by his mother, the +Duchess of Bedford, that though the King wore a palpable wig, he +was to take no notice whatever of it. To my mother's dismay, she +heard her little brother go up to the King and say, "I know that +your Majesty wears a wig, but I've been told not to say anything +about it, so I promised not to tell any one." + +Carlton House stood, from all I can learn, at the top of the Duke +of York's steps. Several engravings of its beautiful gardens are +still to be found. These gardens extended from the present Carlton +House Terrace to Pall Mall. Not only the Terrace, but the Carlton, +Reform, Travellers', Athenaeum, and United Service Clubs now stand +on their site. They were separated from Pall Mall by an open +colonnade, and the Corinthian pillars from the front of Carlton +House were re-erected in 1834 as the portico of the National +Gallery in Trafalgar Square. + +As a child I had a wild adoration for Queen Alexandra (then, of +course, Princess of Wales), whom I thought the most beautiful +person I had ever seen in my life, and I dare say that I was not +far wrong. When I was taken to Marlborough House, I remembered and +treasured up every single word she said to me. I was not present +at the child's tea-party at Marlborough House given by the little +Princess, including his present Majesty, when SOME ONE (my loyalty +absolutely refuses to let me say who) suggested that as the woven +flowers on the carpet looked rather faded, it might be as well to +water them. The boys present, including the little Princes, +gleefully emptied can after can of water on to the floor in their +attempts to revive the carpet, to the immense improvement of the +ceiling and furniture of the room underneath. + +In the "sixties" Sunday was very strictly observed. In our own +Sabbatarian family, our toys and books all disappeared on Saturday +night. On Sundays we were only allowed to read Line upon Line, The +Peep of Day, and The Fairchild Family. I wonder if any one ever +reads this book now. If they haven't, they should. Mr. and Mrs. +Fairchild were, I regret to say it, self-righteous prigs of the +deepest dye, whilst Lucy, Emily, and Henry, their children, were +all little prodigies of precocious piety. It was a curious menage; +Mr. Fairchild having no apparent means of livelihood, and no +recreations beyond perpetually reading the Bible under a tree in +the garden. Mrs. Fairchild had the peculiar gift of being able to +recite a different prayer off by heart applicable to every +conceivable emergency; whilst John, their man-servant, was a real +"handy-man," for he was not only gardener, but looked after the +horse and trap, cleaned out the pigsties, and waited at table. One +wonders in what sequence he performed his various duties, but +perhaps the Fairchilds had not sensitive noses. Even the possibly +odoriferous John had a marvellous collection of texts at his +command. It was refreshing after all this to learn that on one +occasion all three of the little Fairchilds got very drunk, which, +as the eldest of them was only ten, would seem to indicate that, +in spite of their aggressive piety, they had their fair dose of +original sin still left in them. I liked the book notwithstanding. +There was plenty about eating and drinking; one could always skip +the prayers, and there were three or four very brightly written +accounts of funerals in it. I was present at a "Fairchild Family" +dinner given some twenty years ago in London by Lady Buxton, wife +of the present Governor-General of South Africa, at which every +one of the guests had to enact one of the characters of the book. + +My youngest brother had a great taste for drawing, and was +perpetually depicting terrific steeplechases. From a confusion of +ideas natural to a child, he always introduced a church steeple +into the corner of his drawings. One Sunday he had drawn a most +spirited and hotly-contested "finish" to a steeplechase. When +remonstrated with on the ground that it was not a "Sunday" +subject, he pointed to the church steeple and said, "You don't +understand. This is Sunday, and those jockeys are all racing to +see which of them can get to church first," which strikes me as a +peculiarly ready and ingenious explanation for a child of six. + +In London we all went on Sundays to the Scottish Presbyterian +Church in Crown Court, just opposite Drury Lane Theatre. Dr. +Cumming, the minister of the church at that time, enjoyed an +immense reputation amongst his congregation. He was a very +eloquent man, but was principally known as always prophesying the +imminent end of the world. He had been a little unfortunate in +some of the dates he had predicted for the final cataclysm, these +dates having slipped by uneventfully without anything whatever +happening, but finally definitely fixed on a date in 1867 as the +exact date of the Great Catastrophe. His influence with his flock +rather diminished when it was found that Dr. Cumming had renewed +the lease of his house for twenty-one years, only two months +before the date he had fixed with absolute certainty as being the +end of all things. All the same, I am certain that he was +thoroughly in earnest and perfectly genuine in his convictions. As +a child I thought the church--since rebuilt--absolutely beautiful, +but it was in reality a great, gaunt, barn-like structure. It was +always crammed. We were very old-fashioned, for we sat down to +sing, and we stood to pray, and there was no instrument of any +sort. The pew in front of us belonged to Lord Aberdeen, and his +brother Admiral Gordon, one of the Elders, always sat in it with +his high hat on, conversing at the top of his voice until the +minister entered, when he removed his hat and kept silence. This +was, I believe, intended as a protest against the idea of there +being any special sanctity attached to the building itself qua +building. Dr. Cumming had recently introduced an anthem, a new +departure rather dubiously welcomed by his flock. It was the +singular custom of his congregation to leave their pews during the +singing of this anthem and to move about in the aisles; whether as +a protest against a daring innovation, or merely to stretch their +limbs, or to seek better places, I could never make out. + +Dr. Cumming invariably preached for over an hour, sometimes for an +hour and a half, and yet I never felt bored or wearied by his long +discourses, but really looked forward to them. This was because +his sermons, instead of consisting of a string of pious +platitudes, interspersed with trite ejaculations and irrelevant +quotations, were one long chain of closely-reasoned argument. +Granted his first premiss, his second point followed logically +from it, and so he led his hearers on point by point, all closely +argued, to an indisputable conclusion. I suppose that the +inexorable logic of it all appealed to the Scottish side of me. +His preaching had the same fascination for me that Euclid's +propositions exercised later, even on my hopelessly unmathematical +mind. + +Whatever the weather, we invariably walked home from Drury Lane to +South Audley Street, a long trudge for young feet, as my mother +had scruples about using the carriages on Sundays. + +Neither my father nor my mother ever dined out on a Sunday, nor +did they invite people to dinner on that day, for they wished as +far as possible to give those in their employment a day of rest. +All quite hopelessly Victorian! for, after all, why should people +ever think of anybody but themselves? + +Dr. Cumming was a great bee-fancier, and a recognised authority on +bees. Calling one day on my mother, he brought with him four +queen-bees of a new breed, each one encased in a little paper bag. +He prided himself on his skill in handling bees, and proudly +exhibited those treasures to my mother. He replaced them in their +paper bags, and being a very absent-minded man, he slipped the +bags into the tail pocket of his clerical frock-coat. Soon after +he began one of his long arguments (probably fixing the exact date +of the end of the world), and, totally oblivious of the presence +of the bees in his tail pocket, he leant against the mantelpiece. +The queen-bees, naturally resenting the pressure, stung him +through the cloth on that portion of his anatomy immediately +nearest to their temporary prison. Dr. Cumming yelled with pain, +and began skipping all round the room. It so tickled my fancy to +see the grim and austere minister, who towered above me in the +pulpit every Sunday, executing a sort of solo-Jazz dance up and +down the big room, punctuated with loud cries, that I rolled about +on the floor with laughter. + +The London of the "sixties" was a very dark and dingy place. The +streets were sparingly lit with the dimmest of gas-jets set very +far apart: the shop-windows made no display of lights, and the +general effect was one of intense gloom. + +Until I was seven years old, I had never left the United Kingdom. +We then all went to Paris for a fortnight, on our way to the +Riviera. I well remember leaving London at 7 a.m. on a January +morning, in the densest of fogs. So thick was the fog that the +footman had to lead the horses all the way to Charing Cross +Station. Ten hours later I found myself in a fairy city of clean +white stone houses, literally blazing with light. I had never +imagined such a beautiful, attractive place, and indeed the +contrast between the dismal London of the "sixties" and this +brilliant, glittering town was unbelievable. Paris certainly +deserved the title of "La Ville Lumiere" in a literal sense. I +like the French expression, "une ville ruisselante de lumiere," "a +city dripping with light." That is an apt description of the Paris +of the Second Empire, for it was hardly a manufacturing city then, +and the great rim of outlying factories that now besmirch the +white stone of its house fronts had not come into existence, the +atmosphere being as clear as in the country. A naturally retentive +memory is apt to store up perfectly useless items of information. +What possible object can there be to my remembering that the +engine which hauled us from Calais to Paris in 1865 was built by +J. Cail of Paris, on the "Crampton" system; that is, that the axle +of the big single driving-wheels did not run under the frame of +the engine, but passed through the "cab" immediately under the +pressure-gauge?--nor can any useful purpose be served in +recalling that we crossed the Channel in the little steamer La +France. + +In those days people of a certain class in England maintained far +closer social relations with people of the corresponding class in +France than is the custom now, and this was mutual. Society in +both capitals was far smaller. My father and mother had many +friends in Paris, and amongst the oldest of them were the Comte +and Comtesse de Flahault. General de Flahault had been the +personal aide-de-camp and trusted friend of Napoleon I. Some +people, indeed, declared that his connection with Napoleon III. +was of a far closer nature, for his great friendship with Queen +Hortense was a matter of common knowledge. For some reason or +another the old General took a fancy to me, and finding that I +could talk French fluently, he used to take me to his room, stuff +me with chocolate, and tell me about Napoleon's Russian campaign +in 1812, in which he had taken part, I was then seven years old, +and the old Comte must have been seventy-eight or so, but it is +curious that I should have heard from the actual lips of a man who +had taken part in it, the account of the battle of Borodino, of +the entry of the French troops into Moscow, of the burning of +Moscow, and of the awful sufferings the French underwent during +their disastrous retreat from Moscow. General de Flahault had been +present at the terrible carnage of the crossing of the Beresina on +November 26, 1812, and had got both his feet frost-bitten there, +whilst his faithful servant David had died from the effects of the +cold. I wish that I could have been older then, or have had more +historical knowledge, for it was a unique opportunity for +acquiring information. I wish, too, that I could recall more of +what M. de Flahault told me. I have quite vivid recollections of +the old General himself, of the room in which we sat, and +especially of the chocolates which formed so agreeable an +accompaniment to our conversations. Still it remains an +interesting link with the Napoleonic era. This is 1920; that was +1812! + +I can never hear Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" without thinking of +General de Flahault. The present Lord Lansdowne is the Comte de +Flahault's grandson. + +Nearly fifty years later another interesting link with the past +was forged. I was dining with Prince and Princess Christian of +Schleswig-Holstein at Schomberg House. When the ladies left the +room after dinner, H. R. H. was good enough to ask me to sit next +him. Some train of thought was at work in the Prince's mind, for +he suddenly said, "Do you know that you are sitting next a man who +once took Napoleon I.'s widow, the Empress Marie Louise, in to +dinner?" and the Prince went on to say that as a youth of +seventeen he had accompanied his father on a visit to the Emperor +of Austria at Schonbrunn. On the occasion of a state dinner, one +of the Austrian Archdukes became suddenly indisposed. Sooner than +upset all the arrangements, the young Prince of Schleswig-Holstein +was given the ex-Empress to lead in to dinner. + +I must again repeat that this is 1920. Napoleon married Marie +Louise in 1810. + +Both my younger brother and I were absolutely fascinated by Paris, +its streets and public gardens. As regards myself, something of +the glamour of those days still remains; Paris is not quite to me +as other towns, and I love its peculiar smell, which a +discriminating nose would analyse as one-half wood-smoke, one- +quarter roasting coffee, and one-quarter drains. During the +eighteen years of the Second Empire, Paris reached a height of +material prosperity and of dazzling brilliance which she has never +known before nor since. The undisputed social capital of Europe, +the equally undisputed capital of literature and art, the great +pleasure-city of the world, she stood alone and without a rival. +"La Ville Lumiere!" My mother remembered the Paris of her youth as +a place of tortuous, abominably paved, dimly lit streets, poisoned +with atrocious smells; this glittering town of palaces and broad +white avenues was mainly the creation of Napoleon III. himself, +aided by Baron Georges Haussmann and the engineer Adolphe Alphand, +who between them evolved and made the splendid Paris that we know. + +We loved the Tuileries gardens, a most attractive place for +children in those days. There were swings and merry-go-rounds; +there were stalls where hot brioches and gaufres were to be +bought; there were, above all, little marionette theatres where +the most fascinating dramas were enacted. Our enjoyment of these +performances was rather marred by our anxious nurse, who was +always terrified lest there should be "something French" in the +little plays; something quite unfitted for the eyes and ears of +two staid little Britons. As the worthy woman was a most +indifferent French scholar, we were often hurried away quite +unnecessarily from the most innocuous performances when our +faithful watch-dog scented the approach of "something French." All +the shops attracted us, but especially the delightful toy-shops. +Here, again, we were seldom allowed to linger, our trusty guardian +being obsessed with the idea that the toy-shops might include +amongst their wares "something French." She was perfectly right; +there WAS often something "very French," but my brother and I had +always seen it and noted it before we were moved off from the +windows. + +I wonder if any "marchands de coco" still survive in Paris. "Coco" +had nothing to do with cocoa, but was a most mawkish beverage +compounded principally of liquorice and water. The attraction +about it lay in the great tank the vendor carried strapped to his +back. This tank was covered with red velvet and gold tinsel, and +was surmounted with a number of little tinkling silver bells. In +addition to that, the "marchand de coco" carried all over him +dozens of silver goblets, or, at all events, goblets that looked +like silver, in which he handed out his insipid brew. Who would +not long to drink out of a silver cup a beverage that flowed out +of a red and gold tank, covered with little silver bells, be it +never so mawkish? + +The gardens of the Luxembourg were, if anything, even more +attractive than the Tuileries gardens. + +Another delightful place for children was the Hippodrome, long +since demolished and built over. It was a huge open-air stadium, +where, in addition to ordinary circus performances, there were +chariot-races and gladiatorial combats. The great attraction of +the Hippodrome was that all the performers were driven into the +arena in a real little Cinderella gilt coach, complete with four +little ponies, a diminutive coachman, and two tiny little footmen. + +Talking of Cinderella, I always wonder that no one has pointed out +the curious mistake the original translator of this story fell +into. If any one will take the trouble to consult Perrault's +Cendrillon in the original French, he or she will find that +Cinderella went to the ball with her feet encased in "des +pantoufles de vair." Now, vair means grey or white fur, ermine or +miniver. The word is now obsolete, though it still survives in +heraldry. The translator, misled by the similarity of sound +between "vair" and "verre," rendered it "glass" instead of +"ermine," and Cinderella's glass slippers have become a British +tradition. What would "Cinderella" be as a pantomime without the +scene where she triumphantly puts on her glass slipper? And yet, a +little reflection would show that it would be about as easy to +dance in a pair of glass slippers as it would in a pair of +fisherman's waders. + +I remember well seeing Napoleon III. and the Empress Eugenie +driving down the Rue de Rivoli on their return from the races at +Longchamp. I and my brother were standing close to the edge of the +pavement, and they passed within a few feet of us. They were +driving in a char-a-banes--in French parlance, "attele a la +Daumont"--that is, with four horses, of which the wheelers are +driven from the box by a coachman, and the leaders ridden by a +postilion. The Emperor and Empress were attended by an escort of +mounted Cent-Gardes, and over the carriage there was a curious +awning of light blue silk, with a heavy gold fringe, probably to +shield the occupants from the sun at the races. I thought the +Emperor looked very old and tired, but the Empress was still +radiantly beautiful. My young brother, even then a bigoted little +patriot, obstinately refused to take off his cap. "He isn't MY +Emperor," he kept repeating, "and I won't do it." The shrill cries +of "Vive l'Empereur!" seemed to me a very inadequate substitute +for the full-throated cheers with which our own Queen was received +when she drove through London. I used to hear the Emperor alluded +to as "Badinguet" by the hall-porter of our hotel, who was a +Royalist, and consequently detested the Bonapartes. + +My father had been on very friendly terms with Napoleon III., then +Prince Louis Napoleon, during the period of his exile in London in +1838, when he lived in King Street, St. James'. Prince Louis +Napoleon acted as my father's "Esquire" at the famous Eglinton +Tournament in August, 1839. The tournament, over which such a vast +amount of trouble and expense had been lavished, was ruined by an +incessant downpour of rain, which lasted four days. My father gave +me as a boy the "Challenge Shield" with coat of arms, which hung +outside his tent at the tournament, and that shield has always +accompanied me in my wanderings. It hangs within a few feet of me +as I write, as it hung forty-three years ago in my room in Berlin, +and later in Petrograd, Lisbon, and Buenos Ayres. + +One of the great sights of Paris in the "sixties," whilst it was +still gas-lighted, was the "cordon de lumiere de la Rue de +Rivoli." As every one knows, the Rue de Rivoli is nearly two miles +long, and runs perfectly straight, being arcaded throughout its +length. In every arch of the arcades there hung then a gas lamp. +At night the continuous ribbon of flame from these lamps, +stretching in endless vista down the street, was a fascinatingly +beautiful sight. Every French provincial who visited Paris was +expected to admire the "cordon de lumiere de la Rue de Rivoli." +Now that electricity has replaced gas, I fancy that the lamps are +placed further apart, and so the effect of a continuous quivering +band of yellow flame is lost. Equally every French provincial had +to admire the "luxe de gaz" of the Place de la Concorde. It +certainly blazed with gas, but now with electric arc-lamps there +is double the light with less than a tenth of the number of old +flickering gas-lamps; another example of quality vs. quantity. + +Most of my father and mother's French friends lived in the +Faubourg Saint Germain. Their houses, though no doubt very fine +for entertaining, were dark and gloomy in the daytime. Our little +friends of my own age seemed all to inhabit dim rooms looking into +courtyards, where, however, we were bidden to unbelievably +succulent repasts, very different to the plain fare to which we +were accustomed at home. Both my brother and myself were, I think, +unconscious as to whether we were speaking English or French; we +could express ourselves with equal facility in either language. +When I first went to school, I could speak French as well as +English, and it is a wonderful tribute to the efficient methods of +teaching foreign languages practised in our English schools, that +at the end of nine years of French lessons, both at a preparatory +school and at Harrow, I had not forgotten much more than seventy- +five per cent. of the French I knew when I went there. In the same +way, after learning German at Harrow for two-and-a-half years, my +linguistic attainments in that language were limited to two words, +ja and nein. It is true that, for some mysterious reason, German +was taught us at Harrow by a Frenchman who had merely a bowing +acquaintanceship with the tongue. + +In 1865 the fastest train from Paris to the Riviera took twenty- +six hours to accomplish the journey, and then was limited to +first-class passengers. There were, of course, neither dining-cars +nor sleeping cars, no heating, and no toilet accommodation. Eight +people were jammed into a first-class compartment, faintly lit by +the dim flicker of an oil-lamp, and there they remained. I +remember that all the French ladies took off their bonnets or +hats, and replaced them with thick knitted woollen hoods and capes +combined, which they fastened tightly round their heads. They also +drew on knitted woollen over-boots; these, I suppose, were +remnants of the times, not very far distant then, when all-night +journeys had frequently to be made in the diligence. + +The Riviera of 1865 was not the garish, flamboyant rendezvous of +cosmopolitan finance, of ostentatious newly acquired wealth, and +of highly decorative ladies which it has since become. Cannes, in +particular, was a quiet little place of surpassing beauty, +frequented by a few French and English people, most of whom were +there on account of some delicate member of their families. We +went there solely because my sister, Lady Mount Edgcumbe, had +already been attacked by lung-disease, and to prolong her life it +was absolutely necessary for her to winter in a warm climate. Lord +Brougham, the ex-Lord Chancellor, had virtually created Cannes, as +far as English people were concerned, and the few hotels there +were still unpretentious and comfortable. + +Amongst the French boys of our own age with whom we played daily +was Antoine de Mores, eldest son of the Duc de Vallombrosa. Later +on in life the Marquis de Mores became a fanatical Anglophobe, and +he lost his life leading an army of irregular Arab cavalry against +the British forces in the Sudan; murdered, if I remember rightly, +by his own men. Most regretfully do I attribute Antoine de Mores' +violent Anglophobia to the very rude things I and my brother were +in the habit of saying to him when we quarrelled, which happened +on an average about four times a day. + +The favourite game of these French boys was something like our +"King of the Castle," only that the victor had to plant his flag +on the summit of the "Castle." Amongst our young friends were the +two sons of the Duc Des Cars, a strong Legitimist, the Vallombrosa +boy's family being Bonapartists. So whilst my brother and I +naturally carried "Union Jacks," young Antoine de Mores had a +tricolour, but the two Des Cars boys carried white silk flags, +with a microscopic border of blue and red ribbon running down +either side. One day, as boys will do, we marched through the town +in procession with our flags, when the police stopped us and +seized the young Des Cars' white banners, the display of the white +flag of the Bourbons being then strictly forbidden in France. The +Des Cars boys' abbe, or priest-tutor, pointed out to the police +the narrow edging of red and blue on either side, and insisted on +it that the flags were really tricolours, though the proportion in +which the colours were displayed might be an unusual one. The +three colours were undoubtedly there, so the police released the +flags, though I feel sure that that abbe must have been a Jesuit. + +The Comte de Chambord (the Henri V. of the Legitimists) was +virtually offered the throne of France in either 1874 or 1875, but +all the negotiations failed because he obstinately refused to +recognise the Tricolour, and insisted upon retaining the white +flag of his ancestors. Any one with the smallest knowledge of the +psychology of the French nation must have known that under no +circumstances whatever would they consent to abandon their adored +Tricolour. The Tricolour is part of themselves: it is a part of +their very souls; it is more than a flag, it is almost a religion. +I wonder that in 1875 it never occurred to any one to suggest to +the Comte de Chambord the ingenious expedient of the Des Cars +boys. The Tricolour would be retained as the national flag, but +the King could have as his personal standard a white flag bordered +with almost invisible bands of blue and red. Technically, it would +still be a tricolour, and on the white expanse the golden fleur- +de-lys of the Bourbons could be embroidered, or any other device. + +Even had the Comte de Chambord ascended the throne, I am convinced +that his tenure of it as Henri V. would have been a very brief +one, given the temperament of the French nation. + +My youngest brother managed to contract typhoid fever at Cannes +about this time, and during his convalescence he was moved to an +hotel standing on much higher ground than our villa, on account of +the fresher air there. A Madame Goldschmidt was staying at this +hotel, and she took a great fancy to the little fellow, then about +six years old. On two occasions I found Madame Goldschmidt in my +brother's room, singing to him in a voice as sweet and spontaneous +as a bird's. My brother was a very highly favoured little mortal, +for Madame Goldschmidt was no other than the world-famous Jenny +Lind, the incomparable songstress who had had all Europe at her +feet. She had then retired from the stage for some years, but her +voice was as sweet as ever. The nineteenth century was fortunate +in having produced two such peerless singers as Adelina Patti and +Jenny Lind, "the Swedish Nightingale." The present generation are +not likely to hear their equals. Both these great singers had that +same curious bird-like quality in their voices; they sang without +any effort in crystal-clear tones, as larks sing. + +In 1865 it was announced that there would be a great regatta at +Cannes in the spring of 1866, and that the Emperor Napoleon would +give a special prize for the open rowing (not sculling) +championship of the Mediterranean. We further learnt that the +whole of the French Mediterranean fleet would be at Villefranche +at the time, and that picked oarsmen from the fleet would compete +for the championship. My father at once determined to win this +prize; the idea became a perfect obsession with him, and he +determined to have a special boat built. When we returned to +England, he went to Oxford and entered into long consultations +with a famous boat-builder there. The boat, a four-oar, had to be +built on special lines. She must be light and fast, yet capable of +withstanding a heavy sea, for off Cannes the Mediterranean can be +very lumpy indeed, and it would be obviously inconvenient to have +the boat swamped, and her crew all drowned. The boat-builder +having mastered the conditions, felt certain that he could turn +out the craft required, which my father proposed to stroke +himself. + +When we returned to Cannes in 1866, the completed boat was sent +out by sea, and we saw her released from her casing with immense +interest. She was christened in due form, with a bottle of +champagne, by our first cousin, the venerable Lady de Ros, and +named the Abercorn. Lady de Ros was a daughter of the Duke of +Richmond, and had been present at the famous ball in Brussels on +the eve of Waterloo in 1815; a ball given by her father in honour +of her youngest sister. + +The crew then went into serious training. Bow was Sir David +Erskine, for many years Sergeant-at-Arms of the House of Commons; +No. 2, my brother-in-law, Lord Mount Edgcumbe; No. 3, General Sir +George Higginson, with my father as stroke. Lord Elphinstone, who +had been in the Navy early in life, officiated as coxswain. But my +father was then fifty-five years old, and he soon found out that +his heart was no longer equal to the strain to which so long and +so very arduous a course (three miles), in rough water, would +subject it. As soon as he realised that his age might militate +against the chance of his crew winning, he resigned his place in +the boat in favour of Sir George Higginson, who was replaced as +No. 3 by Mr. Meysey-Clive. My father took Lord Elphinstone's place +as coxswain, but here, again, his weight told against him. He was +over six feet high and proportionately broad, and he brought the +boat's stern too low down in the water, so Lord Elphinstone was +re-installed, and my father most reluctantly had to content +himself with the role of a spectator, in view of his age. The crew +dieted strictly, ran in the mornings, and went to bed early. They +were none of them in their first youth, for Sir George Higginson +was then forty; Sir David Erskine was twenty-eight; my brother-in- +law, Lord Mount Edgcumbe, thirty-four; and Lord Elphinstone +thirty-eight. + +The great day of the race arrived. We met with one signal piece of +ill-luck. Our No. 3, Mr. Meysey-Clive, had gone on board the +French flagship, and was unable to get ashore again in time, so at +the very last minute a young Oxford rowing-man, the late Mr. +Philip Green, volunteered to replace him, though he was not then +in training. The French men-of-war produced huge thirty-oared +galleys, with two men at each oar. There were also smaller twenty +and twelve-oared boats, but not a single "four" but ours. The sea +was heavy and lumpy, the course was five kilometres (three miles), +and there was a fresh breeze blowing off the land. Our little +mahogany Oxford-built boat, lying very low in the water, looked +pitiably small beside the great French galleys. It wasn't even +David and Goliath, it was as though "Little Tich" stood up to +Georges Carpentier. We saw the race from a sailing yacht; my +father absolutely beside himself with excitement. + +Off they went! The French galleys lumbering along at a great pace, +their crews pulling a curiously short stroke, and their coxswains +yelling "En avant, mes braves!" with all the strength of their +lungs. It must have been very like the boat-race Virgil describes +in the fifth book of the Aeneid. There was the "huge Chimaera" the +"mighty Centaur" and possibly even the "dark-blue Scylla" with +their modern counterparts of Gyas, Sergestus, and Cloanthus, +bawling just as lustily as doubtless those coxswains of old +shouted; no one, however, struck on the rocks, as we are told the +unfortunate "Centaur" did. Still the little mahogany-built +Abercorn continued to forge ahead of her unwieldy French +competitors. The Frenchmen splashed and spurted nobly, but the +little Oxford-built boat increased her lead, her silken "Union +Jack" trailing in the water. All the muscles of the French fleet +came into play; the admiral's barge churned the water into +creaming foam; "mes braves" were incited to superhuman exertions; +in spite of it all, the Abercorn shot past the mark-boat, a winner +by a length and a half. + +My father was absolutely frantic with delight. We reached the +shore long before our crew did, for they had to return to receive +the judge's formal award. He ceremoniously decorated our boat's +bows with a large laurel-wreath, and so--her stem adorned with +laurels, and the large silk "Union Jack" trailing over her stern-- +the little mahogany Oxford-built boat paddled through the lines of +her French competitors. I am sorry to have to record that the +French took their defeat in a most unsportsmanlike fashion; the +little Abercorn was received all down the line with storms of +hoots and hisses. Possibly we, too, might feel annoyed if, say at +Portsmouth, in a regatta in which all the crack oarsmen of the +British Home Fleet were competing, a French four should suddenly +appear from nowhere, and walk off with the big prize of the day. +Still, the conditions of the Cannes regatta were clear; this was +an open race, open to any nationality, and to any rowing craft of +any size or build, though the result was thought a foregone +certainty for the French naval crews. + +Our crew were terribly exhausted when they landed. They had had a +very very severe pull, in a heavy sea, and with a strong head-wind +against them, and most of them were no longer young; still, after +a bath and a change of clothing, and, quite possibly, a brandy- +and-soda or two (nobody ever drank whisky in the "sixties"), they +pulled themselves together again. It was Lord Mount Edgcumbe who +first suggested that as there was an afternoon dance that day at +the Cercle Nautique de la Mediterranee, they should all adjourn to +the club and dance vigorously, just to show what sturdy, hard- +bitten dogs they were, to whom a strenuous three-mile pull in a +heavy sea was a mere trifle, even though some of them were forty +years old. So off we all went to the Cercle, and I well remember +seeing my brother-in-law and Sir George Higginson gyrating wildly +and ceaselessly round the ball-room, tired out though they were. +Between ourselves, our French friends were immensely impressed +with this exhibition of British vigour, and almost forgave our +boat for having won the rowing championship of the Mediterranean. + +At the Villa Beaulieu where we lived, there were immense +rejoicings that night. Of course all our crew dined there, and I +was allowed to come down to dinner myself. Toasts were proposed; +healths were drunk again and again. Speeches were made, and the +terrific cheering must have seriously weakened the rafters and +roof of the house. No one grudged my father his immense +satisfaction, for after all he had originated the idea of winning +the championship of the Mediterranean, and had had the boat built +at his sole expense, and it was not his defects as an oarsman but +his fifty-five years which had prevented him from stroking his own +boat. + +Long after I had been sent to bed, I heard the uproar from below +continuing, and, in the strictest confidence, I have every reason +to believe that they made a real night of it. + +Two of that crew are still alive. Gallant old Sir George Higginson +was born in 1826, consequently the General is now ninety-four +years of age. The splendid old veteran's mental faculties are as +acute as ever; he is not afflicted with deafness and he is still +upright as a dart, though his eyesight has failed him. It is to +Sir George and to Sir David Erskine that I am indebted for the +greater portion of the details concerning this boat-race of 1866, +and of its preliminaries, for many of these would not have come +within the scope of my knowledge at nine years of age. + +Sir David Erskine, the other member of the crew still surviving, +ex-Sergeant-at-Arms, was a most familiar, respected, and greatly +esteemed personality to all those who have sat in the House of +Commons during the last forty years. I might perhaps have put it +more strongly; for he was invariably courteous, and such a great +gentleman. Sir David was born in 1838, consequently he is now +eighty-two years old. + +One of my brothers has still in his keeping a very large gold +medal. One side of it bears the effigy of "Napoleon III., Empereur +des Francais." The other side testifies that it is the "Premier +Prix d'Avirons de la Mediterrannee, 1866." The ugly hybrid word +"Championnat" for "Championship" had not then been acclimatised in +France. + +Shortly after the boat-race, being now nine years old, I went home +to England to go to school. + + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +A new departure--A Dublin hotel in the "sixties"--The Irish mail +service--The wonderful old paddle mail-boats--The convivial +waiters of the Munster--The Viceregal Lodge-Indians and pirates-- +The imagination of youth--A modest personal ambition--Death- +warrants; imaginary and real--The Fenian outbreak of 1866-7--The +Abergele railway accident--A Dublin Drawing-Room--Strictly private +ceremonials--Some of the amenities of the Chapel Royal--An +unbidden spectator of the State dinners--Irish wit--Judge Keogh-- +Father Healy--Happy Dublin knack of nomenclature--An unexpected +honour and its cause--Incidents of the Fenian rising--Dr. +Hatchell--A novel prescription--Visit of King Edward--Gorgeous +ceremonial but a chilly drive--An anecdote of Queen Alexandra. + + Upon returning from school for my first holidays, I learnt that +my father had been appointed Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, and that +we were in consequence to live now for the greater portion of the +year in Dublin. + +We were all a little doubtful as to how we should like this new +departure. Dublin was, of course, fairly familiar to us from our +stays there, when we travelled to and from the north of Ireland. +Some of the minor customs of the "sixties" seem so remote now that +it may be worth while recalling them. In common with most Ulster +people, we always stayed at the Bilton Hotel in Dublin, a fine old +Georgian house in Sackville Street. Everything at the Bilton was +old, solid, heavy, and eminently respectable. All the plate was of +real Georgian silver, and all the furniture in the big gloomy +bedrooms was of solid, not veneered, mahogany. Quite invariably my +father was received in the hall, on arrival, by the landlord, with +a silver candlestick in his hand. The landlord then proceeded +ceremoniously to "light us upstairs" to a sitting-room on the +first floor, although the staircase was bright with gas. This was +a survival from the eighteenth century, when staircases and +passages in inns were but dimly lit; but it was an attention that +was expected. In the same way, when dinner was ready in our +sitting-room, the landlord always brought in the silver soup- +tureen with his own hands, placed it ceremoniously before my +father, and removed the cover with a great flourish; after which +he retired, and left the rest to the waiter. This was another +traditional attention. + +Towards the end of dinner it became my father's turn to repay +these civilities. Though he himself very rarely touched wine, he +would look down the wine-list until he found a peculiarly +expensive port. This he would order for what was then termed "the +good of the house." When this choice product of the Bilton bins +made its appearance, wreathed in cobwebs, in a wicker cradle, my +father would send the waiter with a message to the landlord, "My +compliments to Mr. Massingberg, and will he do me the favour of +drinking a glass of wine with me." So the landlord would reappear, +and, sitting down opposite my father, they would solemnly dispose +of the port, and let us trust that it never gave either of them +the faintest twinge of gout. These little mutual attentions were +then expected on both sides. Neither my father nor mother ever +used the word "hotel" in speaking of any hostelry in the United +Kingdom. Like all their contemporaries, they always spoke of an +"inn." + +In 1860 a new contract had been signed with the Post Office by the +London and North-Western Railway and the City of Dublin Steam- +Packet Co., by which they jointly undertook to convey the mails +between London and Dublin in eleven hours. Up to 1860, the time +occupied by the journey was from fourteen to sixteen hours. +Everything in this world being relative, this was rapidity itself +compared to the five days my uncle, Lord John Russell, the future +Prime Minister, spent on the journey in 1806. He was then a +schoolboy at Westminster, his father, the sixth Duke of Bedford, +being Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland. My uncle, who kept a diary from +his earliest days, gives an account of this journey in it. He +spent three days going by stage-coach to Holyhead, sleeping on the +way at Coventry and Chester, and thirty-eight hours crossing the +Channel in a sailing-packet. The wind shifting, the packet had to +land her passengers at Balbriggan, twenty-one miles north of +Dublin, from which my uncle took a special post-chaise to Dublin, +presenting his glad parents, on his arrival, with a bill for L31 +16s., a nice fare for a boy of fourteen to pay for going home for +his holidays! + +In order to fulfil the terms of the 1860 contract, the mail-trains +had to cover the 264 miles between London and Holyhead at an +average rate of 42 miles per hour; an unprecedented speed in those +days. People then thought themselves most heroic in entrusting +their lives to a train that travelled with such terrific velocity +as the "Wild Irishman." It was to meet this acceleration that Mr. +Ramsbottom, the Locomotive Superintendent of the London and North- +Western Railway, devised a scheme for laying water-troughs between +the rails, by which the engine could pick up water through a scoop +whilst running. I have somewhere seen this claimed as an American +innovation, but the North-Western engines have been picking up +water daily now ever since 1861; nearly sixty years ago. + +The greatest improvement, however, was effected in the cross- +Channel passage. To accomplish the sixty-five miles between +Holyhead and Kingstown in the contract time of four hours, the +City of Dublin Co. built four paddle-vessels, far exceeding any +cross-Channel steamer then afloat in tonnage, speed and +accommodation. They were over three hundred feet in length, of two +thousand tons burden, and had a speed of fifteen knots. Of these +the Munster, Connaught, and Ulster were built by Laird of +Birkenhead, while the Leinster was built in London by Samuda. +These boats were most elaborately and comfortably fitted up, and +many people of my age, who were in the habit of travelling +constantly to Ireland, retain a feeling of almost personal +affection for those old paddle-wheel mailboats which carried them +so often in safety across St. George's Channel. It is possible +that this feeling may be stronger in those who, like myself, are +unaffected by sea-sickness. I think that we all took a pride in +the finest Channel steamers then afloat, and, as a child, I was +always conscious of a little added dignity and an extra ray of +reflected glory when crossing in the Leinster or the Connaught, +for they had four funnels each. I think that I am correct in +saying that these splendid seaboats never missed one single +passage, whatever the weather, for nearly forty years, until they +were superseded by the present three thousand tons, twenty-four +knot twin-screw boats. The old paddle-wheelers were rejuvenated in +1883, when they were fitted with forced draught, and their paddles +were submerged deeper, giving them an extra speed of two knots. +Their engines being "simple," they consumed a perfectly ruinous +amount of coal, sixty-four tons for the round trip; considerably +more than the coal consumption of the present twenty-four +knotters. + +In the "sixties" a new Lord-Lieutenant crossed in a special mail- +steamer, for which he had the privilege of paying. + +When my father went over to be sworn-in, we arrived at Holyhead in +the evening, and on going on board the special steamer Munster, we +found a sumptuous supper awaiting us. + +There is an incident connected with that supper of which, of +course, I knew nothing at the time, but which was told me more +than thirty years after by Mrs. Campbell, the comely +septuagenarian head-stewardess of the Munster, who had been in the +ship for forty-four years. Most habitual travelers to Ireland will +cherish very kindly recollections of genial old Mrs. Campbell, +with her wonderfully fresh complexion and her inexhaustible fund +of stories. + +It appears that the supper had been supplied by a firm of Dublin +caterers, who sent four of their own waiters with it, much to the +indignation of the steward's staff, who resented this as a slight +on their professional abilities. + +Mrs. Campbell told me the story in some such words as these: + +"About ten minutes before your father, the new Lord-Lieutenant, +was expected, the chiefs-steward put his head into the ladies' +cabin and called out to me, 'Mrs. Campbell, ma'am! For the love of +God come into the saloon this minute.' 'What is it, then, Mr. +Murphy?' says I. 'Wait till ye see,' says he. So I go into the +saloon where there was the table set out for supper, so grand that +ye wouldn't believe it, and them four Dublin waiters was all lying +dead-drunk on the saloon floor. + +"'I put out the spirit decanters on the supper-table,' says Mr. +Murphy, 'and see! Them Dublin waiters have every drop of it drunk +on me,' he goes on, showing me the empty decanters. 'They have +three bottles of champagne drunk on me besides. What will we do +with them now? The new Lord Lieutenant may be arriving this +minute, and we have no time to move the drunk waiters for'ard. +Will we put them in the little side-cabins here?' 'Ah then!' says +I, 'and have them roaring and shouting, and knocking the place +down maybe in half an hour or so? I'm surprised at ye, Mr. Murphy. +We'll put the drunk waiters under the saloon table, and you must +get another table-cloth. We'll pull it down on both sides, the way +the feet of them will not show." So I call up two stewards and the +boys from the pantry, and we get the drunk waiters arranged as +neat as herrings in a barrel under the saloon table. Mr. Murphy +and I put on the second cloth, pulling it right down to the floor, +and ye wouldn't believe the way we worked, setting out the dishes, +and the flowers and the swatemates on the table. 'Now,' says I, +'for the love of God let none of them sit down at the table, or +they'll feel the waiters with their feet. Lave it to me to get His +Excellency out of this, and then hurry the drunk waiters away!' +And I spoke a word to the boys in the pantry. 'Boys,' says I, 'as +ye value your salvation, keep up a great clatteration here by +dropping the spoons and forks about, the way they'll not hear it +if the drunk waiters get snoring,' and then the thrain arrives, +and we run up to meet His Excellency your father. + +"We went down to the saloon for a moment, and every one says that +they never saw the like of that for a supper, the boys in the +pantry keeping up such a clatteration by tumbling the spoons and +forks about, that ye'd think the bottom of the ship would drop out +with the noise of it all. Then I said, 'Supper will not be ready +for ten minutes, your Excellency'--though God forgive me if every +bit of it was not on the table that minute. 'Would you kindly see +if the sleeping accommodation is commodious enough, for we'll +alter it if it isn't?' and so I get them all out of that, and I +kept talking of this, and of that, the Lord only knows what, till +Mr. Murphy comes up and says, 'Supper is ready, your Excellency,' +giving me a look out of the tail of his eye as much as to say, +'Glory be! We have them drunk waiters safely out of that.'" + +Of course I knew nothing of the convivial waiters, but I retain +vivid recollections of the splendours of the supper-table, and of +the "swatemates," for I managed to purloin a whole pocketful of +preserved ginger and other good things from it, without being +noticed. + +We arrived at Kingstown in the early morning, and anchored in the +harbour, but, by a polite fiction, the Munster was supposed to be +absolutely invisible to ordinary eyes, for the new Lord- +Lieutenant's official time of arrival from England was 11 a.m. +Accordingly, every one being arrayed in their very best for the +State entry into Dublin, the Munster got up steam and crept out of +the harbour (still, of course, completely invisible), to cruise +about a little, and to re-enter the harbour (obviously direct from +England) amidst the booming of twenty-one guns from the guardship, +a vast display of bunting, and a tornado of cheering. + +Unfortunately, it had come on to blow; there was a very heavy sea +outside, and the Munster had an unrivalled opportunity for showing +off her agility, and of exhibiting her unusual capacity for +pitching and rolling. My youngest brother and I have never been +affected by sea-sickness; the ladies, however, had a very +unpleasing half-hour, though it must be rather a novel and amusing +experience to succumb to this malady when arrayed in the very +latest creations of a Paris dressmaker and milliner; still I fear +that neither my mother nor my sisters can have been looking quite +their best when we landed amidst an incredible din of guns, +whistles and cheering. + +My father, as was the custom then, made his entry into Dublin on +horseback. Since he had to keep his right hand free to remove his +hat every minute or so, in acknowledgment of his welcome, and as +his horse got alarmed by the noise, the cheering, and the waving +of flags, he managed to give a very pretty exhibition of +horsemanship. + +By the way, Irish cheering is a thing sui generis. In place of the +deep-throated, reverberating English cheer, it is a long, shrill, +sustained note, usually very high-pitched. + +The State entry into Dublin was naturally the first occasion on +which I had ever driven through streets lined with soldiers and +gay with bunting. If I remember right, I accepted most of it as a +tribute to my own small person. + +On arriving at the Viceregal Lodge in the Phoenix Park, my brother +and I were much relieved at finding that we were not expected to +live perpetually surrounded by men in full uniform and by ladies +in smart dresses, as we had gathered that we were fated to do +during the morning's ceremonies at Dublin Castle. + +The Viceregal Lodge is a large, unpretentious, but most +comfortable house, standing in really beautiful grounds. The 160 +acres of its enclosure have been laid out with such skill as to +appear to the eye double or treble the extent they actually are. +The great attraction to my brother and me lay in a tract of some +ten acres of woodland which had been allowed to run entirely wild. +We soon peopled this very satisfactorily with two tribes of Red +Indians, two bands of peculiarly bloodthirsty robbers, a +sufficiency of bears, lions and tigers, and an appalling man- +eating dragon. I fear that in view of the size of the little wood, +these imported inhabitants must have had rather cramped quarters. + +The enacting of the role of a Red Indian "brave" was necessarily a +little fatiguing, for according to Fenimore Cooper, our guide in +these matters, it was essential to keep up an uninterrupted series +of guttural grunts of "Ug! Ug!" the invariable manner in which his +"braves" prefaced their remarks. + +There was perhaps little need for the imaginary menagerie, for the +Dublin Zoological Gardens adjoined the "Lodge" grounds, and were +accessible to us at any time with a private key. The Dublin Zoo +had always been very successful in breeding lions, and derived a +large amount of their income from the sale of the cubs. They +consequently kept a number of lions, and the roaring of these +lions at night was very audible at the Viceregal Lodge, only a +quarter of a mile away. When I told the boys at school, with +perfect truth, that in Dublin I was nightly lulled to sleep by the +gentle roaring of lions round my couch, I was called a young liar. + +There is a pretty lake inside the Viceregal grounds. My two elder +brothers were certain that they had seen wild duck on this lake in +the early morning, so getting up in the dusk of a December +morning, they crept down to the lake with their guns. With the +first gleam of dawn, they saw that there were plenty of wild fowl +on the water, and they succeeded in shooting three or four of +them. When daylight came, they retrieved them with a boat, but +were dismayed at finding that these birds were neither mallards, +nor porchards, nor any known form of British duck; their +colouring, too, seemed strangely brilliant. Then they remembered +the neighbouring Zoo, with its ornamental ponds covered with rare +imported and exotic waterfowl, and they realised what they had +done. It is quite possible that they had killed some unique +specimens, imported at fabulous cost from Central Africa, or from +the heart of the Australian continent, some priceless bird that +was the apple of the eye of the Curator of the Gardens, so we +buried the episode and the birds, in profound secrecy. + +For my younger brother and myself, this lake had a different +attraction, for, improbable as it may seem, it was the haunt of a +gang of most abandoned pirates. Behind a wooded island, but quite +invisible to the adult eye, the pirate craft lay, conforming in +the most orthodox fashion to the descriptions in Ballantyne's +books: "a schooner with a long, low black hull, and a suspicious +rake to her masts. The copper on her bottom had been burnished +till it looked like gold, and the black flag, with the skull and +cross-bones, drooped lazily from her peak." + +The presence of this band of desperadoes entailed the utmost +caution and watchfulness in the neighbourhood of the lake. +Unfortunately, we nearly succeeded in drowning some young friends +of ours, whom we persuaded to accompany us in an attack on the +pirates' stronghold. We embarked on a raft used for cutting weeds, +but no sooner had we shoved off than the raft at once, most +inconsiderately, sank to the bottom of the lake with us. Being +Christmas time, the water was not over-warm, and we had some +difficulty in extricating our young friends. Their parents made +the most absurd fuss about their sons having been forced to take a +cold bath in mid-December in their best clothes. Clearly we could +not be held responsible for the raft failing to prove sea-worthy, +though my youngest brother, even then a nice stickler for correct +English, declared, that, given the circumstances, the proper +epithet was "lake-worthy." + +What a wonderful dream-world the child can create for himself, and +having fashioned it and peopled it, he can inhabit his creation in +perfect content quite regardless of his material surroundings, +unless some grown-up, with his matter-of-fact bluntness, happens +to break the spell. + +I have endeavoured to express this peculiar faculty of the child's +in rather halting blank verse. I apologise for giving it here, as +I make no claim to be able to write verse. My only excuse must be +that my lines attempt to convey what every man and woman must have +felt, though probably the average person would express himself in +far better language than I am able to command. + + "Eheu fugaces Postume! Postume! + Labuntur anni. + + "The memories of childhood are a web + Of gossamer, most infinitely frail + And tender, shot with gleaming threads of gold + And silver, through the iridescent weft + Of subtlest tints of azure and of rose; + Woven of fragile nothings, yet most dear, + As binding us to that dim, far-off time, + When first our lungs inhaled the fragrance sweet + Of a new world, where all was bright and fair. + As we approach the end of mortal things, + The band of comrades ever smaller grows; + For those who have not shared our trivial round, + Nor helped with us to forge its many links, + Can only listen with dull, wearied mind. + Some few there are on whom the gods bestowed + The priceless gift of sympathy, and they, + Though knowing not themselves, yet understand. + So guard the fragile fabric rolled away + In the sweet-scented chests of memory, + Careful lest one uncomprehending soul + Should, thoughtless, rend the filmy texture frail + Into a thousand fragments, and destroy + The precious relic of the golden dawn + Of life, when all the unknown future lay + Bathed in unending sunlight, and the heights + Of manhood, veiled in distant purple haze, + Offered ten thousand chances of success. + But why the future, when the present seemed + A flower-decked meadow in eternal spring? + When every woodland glade its secrets told + To us, and us alone. The grown-up eye + Saw sun-flecked oaks, and tinkling, fern-fringed stream, + Nor knew that 'neath their shade most doughty Knights + Daily rode forth to deeds of chivalry; + And ruthless ruffians waged relentless war + On those who strayed (without the Talisman + Which turned their fury into impotence) + Into those leafy depths nor dreamed there lurked + Concealed amidst the bosky dells unseen, + Grim dragons spouting instant death; nor feared + The placid lake, along whose reed-fringed shore + Bold Buccaneers swooped down upon their prey. + Which things were hidden from maturer eyes. + To those who breathed the freshness of the morn, + Endless romance; to others, common things. + For to the Child is given to spin a web + Of golden glamour o'er the everyday. + + Happy is he who can, in spite of years, + Retain at times the spirit of the Child." + +My own personal ambition at that period was a modest one. My +mother always drove out in Dublin in a carriage-and-four, with +postilions and two out-riders. We had always used black carriage- +horses, and East, the well-known job-master, had provided us for +Dublin with twenty-two splendid blacks, all perfect matches. Our +family colour being crimson, the crimson barouche, with the six +blacks and our own black and crimson liveries, made a very smart +turn-out indeed. O'Connor, the wheeler-postilion, a tiny little +wizened elderly man, took charge of the carriage, and directed the +outriders at turnings by a code of sharp whistles. It was my +consuming ambition to ride leader-postilion to my mother's +carriage, and above all to wear the big silver coat-of-arms our +postilions had strapped to the left sleeves of their short jackets +on a broad crimson band. I went to O'Connor in the stable-yard, +and consulted him as to my chance of obtaining the coveted berth. +O'Connor was distinctly encouraging. He thought nine rather young +for a postilion, but when I had grown a little, and had gained +more experience, he saw no insuperable objections to my obtaining +the post. The leader-postilion was O'Connor's nephew, a smart- +looking, light-built boy of seventeen, named Byrne. Byrne was less +hopeful about my chance. He assured me that such a rare +combination of physical and intellectual qualities were required +for a successful leader-rider, that it was but seldom that they +were found, as in his case, united in the same person. That my +mother had met with no accident whilst driving was solely due to +his own consummate skill, and his wonderful presence of mind. +Little Byrne, however, was quite affable, and allowed me to try on +his livery, including the coveted big silver arm-badge and his +top-boots. In my borrowed plumes I gave the stablemen to +understand that I was as good as engaged already as postilion. +Byrne informed me of some of the disadvantages of the position. +"The heart in ye would be broke at all the claning them leathers +requires." I was also told that after an extra long drive, "ye'd +come home that tired that ye'd be thinking ye were losing your +life, and not knowing if ye had a leg left to ye at all." + +I often drove with my mother, and when we had covered more ground +than usual, upon arriving home, I always ran round to the leaders +to inquire anxiously if my friend little Byrne "had a leg left to +him, or if he had lost his life," and was much relieved at finding +him sitting on his horse in perfect health, with his normal +complement of limbs encased in white leathers. I believe that I +expected his legs to drop off on the road from sheer fatigue. + +I knew, of course, that the Lord-Lieutenant had to confirm all +death-sentences in Ireland. From much reading of Harrison +Ainsworth, I insisted on calling the documents connected with +this, "death-warrants." I begged and implored my father to let me +see a "death-warrant." He told me that there was nothing to see, +but I went on insisting, until one day he told me that I might see +one of these gruesome documents. To avoid any misplaced sympathy +with the condemned man, I may say that it was a peculiarly brutal +murder. A man at Cork had kicked his wife to death, and had then +battered her into a shapeless mass with the poker. I went into my +father's study on the tip-toe of expectation. I pictured the +Private Secretary coming in slowly, probably draped for the +occasion in a long black cloak, and holding a white handkerchief +to his eyes. In his hand he would bear an immense sheet of paper +surrounded by a three-inch black border. It would be headed DEATH +in large letters, with perhaps a skull-and-crossbones below it, +and from it would depend three ominous black seals attached by +black ribbons. The Secretary would naturally hesitate before +presenting so awful a document to my father, who, in his turn, +would exhibit a little natural emotion when receiving it. At that +moment my mother, specially dressed in black for the occasion, +would burst into the room, and falling on her knees, with +streaming eyes and outstretched arms, she would plead passionately +for the condemned man's life. My father, at first obdurate, would +gradually be melted by my mother's entreaties. Turning aside to +brush away a furtive and not unmanly tear, he would suddenly tear +the death-warrant to shreds, and taking up another huge placard +headed REPRIEVE, he would quickly fill it in and sign it. He would +then hand it to the Private Secretary, who would instantly start +post-haste for Cork. As the condemned man was being actually +conducted to the scaffold, the Private Secretary would appear, +brandishing the liberating document. All then would be joy, except +for the executioner, who would grind his teeth at being baulked of +his prey at the last minute. + +That is, at all events, the way it would have happened in a book. +As it was, the Private Secretary came in just as usual, carrying +an ordinary official paper, precisely similar to dozens of other +official papers lying about the room. + +"It is the Cork murder case, sir," he said in his everyday voice. +"The sentence has to be confirmed by you." + +"A bad business, Dillon," said my father. "I have seen the Chief +Justice about it twice, and I have consulted the Judge who tried +the case, and the Solicitor and the Attorney-General. I am afraid +that there are no mitigating circumstances whatever. I shall +certainly confirm it," and he wrote across the official paper, +"Let the law take its course," and appended his signature, and +that was all! + +Could anything be more prosaic? What a waste of an unrivalled +dramatic situation. + +When I returned home for the Christmas holidays in 1866, the +Fenian rebellion had already broken out. The authorities had +reason to believe that the Vice-regal Lodge would be attacked, +and various precautions had been taken. Both guards and sentries +were doubled; four light field-guns stood in the garden, and a row +of gas-lamps had been installed there. Stands of arms made their +appearance in the passages upstairs, which were patrolled all +night by constables in rubber-soled boots, but the culminating joy +to my brother and me lay in the four loopholes with which the +walls of the bed-room we jointly occupied were pierced. The room +projected beyond the front of the main building, and was +accordingly a strategic point, but to have four real loopholes, +closed with wooden shutters, in the walls of our own bedroom was +to the two small urchins a source of immense pride. The boys at +school were hideously jealous of our loopholes when they heard of +them, though they affected to despise any one who, enjoying such +undreamed-of opportunities, had, on his own confession, failed to +take advantage of them, and had never even fired through the +loopholes, nor attempted to kill any one through them. + +The Fenians were supposed to have the secret of a mysterious +combustible known as "Greek Fire" which was unquenchable by water. +I think that "Greek Fire" was nothing more or less than ordinary +petroleum, which was practically unknown in Europe in 1866, though +from personal experience I can say that it was well known in 1868, +in which year my mother, three sisters, two brothers and myself +narrowly escaped being burnt to death, when the Irish mail, in +which we were travelling, collided with a goods train loaded with +petroleum at Abergele, North Wales, an accident which resulted in +thirty-four deaths. + +Terrible as were the results of the Abergele accident, they might +have been more disastrous still, for both lines were torn up, and +the up Irish mail from Holyhead, which would be travelling at a +great pace down the steep bank from Llandulas, was due at any +moment. The front guard of our train had been killed by the +collision, and the rear guard was seriously hurt, so there was no +one to give orders. It occurred at once to my eldest brother, the +late Duke, that as the train was standing on a sharp incline, the +uninjured carriages would, if uncoupled, roll down the hill of +their own accord. He and some other passengers accordingly managed +to undo the couplings, and the uninjured coaches, detached from +the burning ones, glided down the incline into safety. From the +half-stunned guard my brother learned that the nearest signal-box +was at Llandulas, a mile away. He ran there at the top of his +speed, and arrived in time to get the up Irish mail and all other +traffic stopped. On his return my brother had a prolonged +fainting fit, as the strain on his heart had been very great. It +took the doctors over an hour to bring him round, and we all +thought that he had died. + +I was eleven years old at the time, and the shock of the +collision, the sight of the burning coaches, the screams of the +women, the wreckage, and my brother's narrow escape from death, +affected me for some little while afterwards. + +It was the custom then for the Lord-Lieutenant to live for three +months of the winter at the Castle, where a ceaseless round of +entertainments went on. The Castle was in the heart of Dublin, and +only boasted a dull little smoke-blackened garden in the place of +the charming grounds of the Lodge, still there was plenty going on +there. A band played daily in the Castle Yard for an hour, there +was the daily guard-mounting, and the air was thick with bugle +calls and rattling kettle-drums. + +At "Drawing Rooms" it was still the habit for all ladies to be +kissed by the Lord-Lieutenant on being presented to him, and every +lady had to be re-presented to every fresh Viceroy. This imposed +an absolute orgy of compulsory osculation on the unfortunate Lord- +Lieutenant, for if many of the ladies were fresh, young and +pretty, the larger proportion of them were very distinctly the +reverse. + +There is a very fine white-and-gold throne-room in Dublin, +decorated in the heavy but effective style of George IV., and it +certainly compares very favourably with the one at Buckingham +Palace. St. Patrick's Hall, too, with its elaborate painted +ceiling, is an exceedingly handsome room, as is the Long Gallery. +At my father's first Drawing-Room, when I officiated as page, the +perpetual kissing tickled my fancy so, that, forgetting that to +live up to my new white-satin breeches and lace ruffles I ought to +wear an impassive countenance, I absolutely shook, spluttered and +wriggled with laughter. The ceremony appeared to me interminable, +for ten-year-old legs soon get tired, and ten-year-old eyelids +grow very heavy as midnight approaches. When at length it ended, +and my fellow-page was curled up fast asleep on the steps of the +throne in his official finery, in glancing at my father I was +amazed to find him prematurely aged. The powder from eight hundred +cheeks and necks had turned his moustache and beard white; he had +to retire to his room and spend a quarter of an hour washing and +brushing the powder out, before he could take part in the +procession through all the staterooms which in those days preceded +supper. My father was still a remarkably handsome man even at +fifty-six years of age, with his great height and his full curly +beard, and I thought my mother, with all her jewels on, most +beautiful, as I am quite sure she was, though only a year younger +than my father. + +The great white-and-gold throne-room brilliant with light, the +glitter of the uniforms, and the sparkle of the jewels were +attractive from their very novelty to a ten-year-old schoolboy, +perhaps a little overwhelmed by his own gorgeous and unfamiliar +trappings. We two pages had been ordered to stand quite +motionless, one on either side of the throne, but as the evening +wore on and we began to feel sleepy, it was difficult to carry our +instructions into effect, for there were no facilities for playing +even a game of "oughts and crosses" in order to keep awake. The +position had its drawbacks, as we were so very conspicuous in our +new uniforms. A detail which sticks in my memory is that the +guests at that Drawing-Room drank over three hundred bottles of my +father's sherry, in addition to other wines. + +My brother and I were not allowed in the throne-room on ordinary +days, but it offered such wonderful opportunities for processions +and investitures, with the sword of state and the mace lying ready +to one's hand in their red velvet cradles, that we soon discovered +a back way into it. Should any of the staff of Lord French, the +present Viceroy, care to examine the sword of state and the mace, +they will find them both heavily dented. This is due to two small +boys having frequently dropped them when they proved too heavy for +their strength, during strictly private processions fifty-five +years ago. I often wonder what a deputation from the Corporation +of Belfast must have thought when they were ushered into the +throne-room, and found it already in the occupation of two small +brats, one of whom, with a star cut out of silver paper pinned to +his packet to counterfeit an order, was lolling back on the throne +in a lordly manner, while the other was feigning to read a long +statement from a piece of paper. The small boys, after the manner +of their kind, quickly vanished through a bolt-hole. + +The Chapel Royal in Dublin Castle was built by my grandfather, the +Duke of Bedford, who was Viceroy in 1806, and it bears the stamp +of the unfortunate period of its birth on every detail of its +"carpenter-Gothic" interior. It is, however, very ornate, with a +profusion of gilding, stained glass and elaborate oak carving. My +father and mother sat by themselves on two red velvet arm-chairs +in a sort of pew-throne that projected into the Chapel. The Aide- +de-Camp in waiting, an extremely youthful warrior as a rule, had +to stand until the door of the pew was shut, when a folding wooden +flap was lowered across the aperture, on which he seated himself, +with his back resting against the pew door. At the conclusion of +the service the Verger always opened the pew door with a sudden +"click." Should the Aide-de-Camp be unprepared for this and happen +to be leaning against the door, with any reasonable luck he was +almost certain to tumble backwards into the aisle, "taking a +regular toss," as hunting-men would say, and to our unspeakable +delight we would see a pair of slim legs in overalls and a pair of +spurred heels describing a graceful parabola as they followed +their youthful owner into the aisle. This particular form of +religious relaxation appealed to me enormously, and I looked +forward to it every Sunday. + +It was an episode that could only occur once with each person, for +forewarned was forearmed; still, as we had twelve Aides-de-Camp, +and they were constantly changing, the pew door played its +practical joke quite often enough to render the Services in the +Chapel Royal very attractive and engrossing, and I noticed that no +Aide-de-Camp was ever warned of his possible peril. I think, too, +that the Verger enjoyed his little joke. + +In that same Chapel Royal I listened to the most eloquent and +beautiful sermon I have ever heard in my life, preached by Dean +Magee (afterwards Archbishop of York) on Christmas Day, 1866. His +text was: "There were shepherds abiding in the fields." That +marvellous orator must have had some peculiar gift of sympathy to +captivate the attention of a child of ten so completely that he +remembers portions of that sermon to this very day, fifty-four +years afterwards. + +To my great delight I discovered a little door near our joint +bedroom which led directly into the gallery of St. Patrick's Hall. +Here the big dinners of from seventy to ninety people were held, +and it was my delight to creep into the gallery in my dressing- +gown and slippers and watch the brilliant scene below. The stately +white-and-gold hall with its fine painted ceiling, the long tables +blazing with plate and lights, the display of flowers, the jewels +of the ladies and the uniforms of the men, made a picture very +attractive to a child. After the ladies had left, the uproar +became deafening. In 1866 the old drinking habits had not yet died +out, and though my father very seldom touched wine himself, he of +course saw that his guests had sufficient; indeed, sufficient +seems rather an elastic term, judging by what I saw and what I was +told. It must have been rather like one of the scenes described by +Charles Lever in his books. In 1866 political, religious, and +racial animosities had not yet assumed the intensely bitter +character they have since reached in Ireland, and the traditional +Irish wit, at present apparently dormant, still flashed, sparkled +and scintillated. From my hiding-place in the gallery I could only +hear the roars of laughter the good stories provoked, I could not +hear the stories themselves, possibly to my own advantage. + +Judge Keogh had a great reputation as a wit. The then Chief +Justice was a remarkable-looking man on account of his great snow- +white whiskers and his jet-black head of hair. My mother, +commenting on this, said to Judge Keogh, "Surely Chief Justice +Monaghan must dye his hair." "To my certain knowledge he does +not," answered Keogh. "How, then, do you account for the +difference in colour between his whiskers and his hair?" asked my +mother. "To the fact that, throughout his life, he has used his +jaw a great deal more than he ever has his brain," retorted Keogh. + +Father Healy, most genial and delightful of men, belongs, of +course, to a much later period. I was at the Castle in Lord +Zetland's time, when Father Healy had just returned from a +fortnight's visit to Monte Carlo, where he had been the guest (of +all people in the world!) of Lord Randolph Churchill. "May I ask +how you explained your absence to your flock, Father Healy?" asked +Lady Zetland. "I merely told them that I had been for a +fortnight's retreat to Carlow; I thought it superfluous prefixing +the Monte," answered the priest. Again at a wedding, the late Lord +Morris, the possessor of the hugest brogue ever heard, observed as +the young couple drove off, "I wish that I had an old shoe to +throw after them for luck." "Throw your brogue after them, my dear +fellow; it will do just as well," flashed out Father Healy. It was +Father Healy, too, who, in posting a newly arrived lady as to +Dublin notabilities, said, "You will find that there are only two +people who count in Dublin, the Lady-Lieutenant and Lady Iveagh, +her Ex. and her double X," for the marks on the barrels of the +delicious beverage brewed by the Guinness family must be familiar +to most people. + +I myself heard Father Healy, in criticising a political +appointment which lay between a Welsh and a Scotch M.P., say, +"Well, if we get the Welshman he'll pray on his knees all Sunday, +and then prey on his neighbours the other six days of the week; +whilst if we get the Scotchman hell keep the Sabbath and any other +little trifles he can lay his hand on." Healy, who was parish +priest of Little Bray, used to entertain sick priests from the +interior of Ireland who were ordered sea-bathing. One day he saw +one of his guests, a young priest, rush into the sea, glass in +hand, and begin drinking the sea water. "You mustn't do that, my +dear fellow," cried Father Healy, aghast. "I didn't know that +there was any harm in it, Father Healy," said the young priest. +"Whist! we'll not say one word about it, and maybe then they'll +never miss the little drop you have taken." + +Some of these stories may be old, in which case I can only +apologise for giving them here. + +Dublin people have always had the gift of coining extremely +felicitous nicknames. I refrain from quoting those bestowed on two +recent Viceroys, for they are mordant and uncomplimentary, though +possibly not wholly undeserved. My father was at once christened +"Old Splendid," an appellation less scarifying than some of those +conferred on his successors. My father had some old friends living +in the west of Ireland, a Colonel Tenison, and his wife, Lady +Louisa Tenison. Colonel Tenison had one of the most gigantic noses +I have ever seen, a vast, hooked eagle's beak. He was so blind +that he had to feel his way about. Lady Louisa Tenison allowed +herself an unusual freedom of speech, and her comments on persons +and things were unconventionally outspoken. They came to stay with +us at the Castle in 1867, and before they had been there twenty- +four hours they were christened "Blind Hookey" and "Unlimited +Loo." + +In February 1867 my sister, brother and I contracted measles, and +were sent out to the "Lodge" to avoid spreading infection. + +We were already convalescent, when one evening a mysterious +stranger arrived from the Castle, and had an interview with the +governess. As a result of that interview, the kindly old lady +began clucking like a scared hen, fussed quite prodigiously, and +told us to collect our things at once, as we were to start for the +Castle in a quarter of an hour. After a frantically hurried +packing, we were bustled into the carriage, the mysterious +stranger taking his seat on the box. To our surprise we saw some +thirty mounted Hussars at the door. As we moved off, to our +unspeakable delight, the Hussars drew their swords and closed in +on the carriage, one riding at either window. And so we drove +through Dublin. We had never had an escort before, and felt +immensely elated and dignified. At the Castle there seemed to be +some confusion. I heard doors banging and people moving about all +through the night. + +Long afterwards I learnt that the great Fenian rising was fixed +for that night. The authorities had heard that part of the Fenian +plan was to capture the Viceregal Lodge, and to hold the Lord- +Lieutenant's children as hostages, which explains the arrival at +the Lodge of Chief Inspector Dunn, the frantic haste, and the +escort of Hussars with drawn swords. + +That night an engagement, or it might more justly be termed a +skirmish, did take place between the Fenians and the troops at +Tallagh, some twenty miles from Dublin. My brothers and most of my +father's staff had been present, which explained the mysterious +noises during the night. As a result of this fight, some three +hundred prisoners were taken, and Lord Strathnairn, then +Commander-in-Chief in Ireland, was very hard put to it to find +sufficient men (who, of course, would have to be detached from his +force) to escort the prisoners into Dublin. Lord Strathnairn +suddenly got an inspiration. He had every single button, brace +buttons and all, cut off the prisoners' trousers. Then the men had +perforce, for decency's sake, to hold their trousers together with +their hands, and I defy any one similarly situated to run more +than a yard or two. The prisoners were all paraded in the Castle +yard next day, and I walked out amongst them. As they had been up +all night in very heavy rain, they all looked very forlorn and +miserable. The Castle gates were shut that day, for the first time +in the memory of the oldest inhabitant, and they remained shut for +four days. I cannot remember the date when the prisoners were +paraded, but I am absolutely certain as to one point: it was +Shrove Tuesday, 1867, the day on which so many marriages are +celebrated amongst country-folk in Ireland. Dublin was seething +with unrest, so on that very afternoon my father and mother drove +very slowly, quite alone, without an Aide-de-Camp or escort, in a +carriage-and-four with outriders, through all the poorest quarters +in Dublin. They were well received, and there was no hostile +demonstration whatever. The idea of the slow drive through the +slums was my mother's. She wished to show that though the Castle +gates were closed, she and my father were not afraid. I saw her on +her return, when she was looking very pale and drawn, but I was +too young to realise what the strain must have been. My mother's +courage was loudly praised, but I think that my friends O'Connor +and little Byrne, the postilions, also deserve quite a good mark, +for they ran the same amount of risk, and they were no entirely +free agents in the matter, as my father and mother were. + +Dr. Hatchell, who attended us all, had been physician to countless +Viceroys and their families, and was a very well-known figure in +Dublin. He was a jolly little red-faced man with a terrific +brogue. There was a great epidemic of lawlessness in Dublin at +that time. Many people were waylaid and stripped of their +valuables in dark suburban streets. Dr. Hatchell was returning +from a round of professional visits in the suburbs one evening, +when his carriage was stopped by two men, who seized the horses' +heads. One of the men came round to the carriage door. + +"We know you, Dr. Hatchell, so you had better hand over your watch +and money quietly." "You know me," answered the merry little +doctor, with his tremendous brogue, "so no doubt you would like me +to prescribe for you. I'll do it with all the pleasure in life. +Saltpetre is a grand drug, and I often order it for my patients. +Sulphur is the finest thing in the world for the blood, and +charcoal is an elegant disinfectant. By a great piece of luck, I +have all these drugs with me in the carriage, but"--and he +suddenly covered the man with his revolver--"they are all mixed up +together, and there is the least taste in life of lead in front of +them, and by God! you'll get it through you if you don't clear out +of that." The men decamped immediately. I have heard Dr. Hatchell +tell that story at least twenty times. Dr. Hatchell, who was +invited to every single entertainment, both at the Lodge and at +the Castle, was a widower. A peculiarly stupid young Aide-de-Camp +once asked him why he had not brought Mrs. Hatchell with him. +"Sorr," answered the doctor in his most impressive tones, "Mrs. +Hatchell is an angel in heaven." A fortnight later the same +foolish youth asked again why Dr. Hatchell had come alone. "Mrs. +Hatchell, sorr, is still an angel in heaven," answered the +indignant doctor. + +It was said that no mortal eye had ever seen Dr. Hatchell in the +daytime out of his professional frock-coat and high hat. I know +that when he stayed with us in Scotland some years later, he went +out salmon-fishing in a frock-coat and high hat (with a +stethescope clipped into the crown of it), an unusual garb for an +angler. + +In the spring of 1868, King Edward and Queen Alexandra (then, of +course, Prince and Princess of Wales) paid us a long visit at the +Castle. My father had heard a rumour that recently the Prince of +Wales had introduced the custom of smoking in the dining-room +after dinner. He was in a difficult position; nothing would induce +him to tolerate such a practice, but how was he to avoid +discourtesy to his Royal guest? My mother rose to the occasion. A +little waiting-room near the dining-room was furnished and fitted +up in the most attractive manner, and before the Prince had been +an hour in the Castle, my mother showed him the charming little +room, and told H. R. H. that it had been specially fitted up for +him to enjoy his after-dinner cigar in. That saved the situation. +Young men of to-day will be surprised to learn that in my time no +one dreamed of smoking before they went to a ball, as to smell of +smoke was considered an affront to one's partners. I myself, +though a heavy smoker from an early age, never touched tobacco in +any form before going to a dance, out of respect for my partners. +Incredible as it may sound, in those days all gentlemen had a very +high respect for ladies and young ladies, and observed a certain +amount of deference in their intercourse with them. Never, to the +best of my recollection, did either we or our partners address +each other as "old thing," or "old bean." This, of course, now is +hopelessly Victorian, and as defunct as the dodo. Present-day +hostesses tell me that all young men, and most girls, are kind +enough to flick cigarette-ash all over their drawing-rooms, and +considerately throw lighted cigarette-ends on to fine old Persian +carpets, and burn holes in pieces of valuable old French +furniture. Of course it would be too much trouble to fetch an ash- +tray, or to rise to throw lighted cigarette-ends into the grate. +The young generation have never been brought up to take trouble, +nor to consider other people; we might perhaps put it that they +never think of any one in the world but their own sweet selves. I +am inclined to think that there are distinct advantages in being a +confirmed, unrepentant Victorian. + +During the stay of the Prince and Princess there was one unending +round of festivities. The Princess was then at the height of her +great beauty, and seeing H. R. H. every day, my youthful adoration +of her increased tenfold. The culminating incident of the visit +was to be the installation of the Prince of Wales as a Knight of +St. Patrick in St. Patrick's Cathedral, with immense pomp and +ceremonial. The Cathedral had undergone a complete transformation +for the ceremony, and all its ordinary fittings had disappeared. +The number of pages had now increased to five, and we were +constantly being drilled in the Cathedral. We had all five of us +to walk backwards down some steps, keeping in line and keeping +step. For five small boys to do this neatly, without awkwardness, +requires a great deal of practice. The procession to the Cathedral +was made in full state, the streets being lined with troops, and +the carriages, with their escorts of cavalry, going at a foot's +pace through the principal thoroughfares of Dublin. I remember it +chiefly on account of the bitter northeast wind blowing. The five +pages drove together in an open carriage, and received quite an +ovation from the crowd, but no one had thought of providing them +with overcoats. Silk stockings, satin knee-breeches and lace +ruffles are very inadequate protection against an Arctic blast, +and we arrived at the Cathedral stiff and torpid with cold. From +the colour of our faces, we might have been five little "Blue +Noses" from Nova Scotia. The ceremony was very gorgeous and +imposing, and I trust that the pages were not unduly clumsy. Every +one was amazed at the beauty of the music, sung from the triforium +by the combined choirs of St. Patrick's and Christ Church +Cathedrals, and of the Chapel Royal, with that wonderful musician, +Sir Robert Stewart, at the organ. I remember well Sir Robert +Stewart's novel setting of "God save the Queen." The men sang it +first in unison to the music of the massed military bands outside +the Cathedral, the boys singing a "Faux Bourdon" above it. Then +the organ took it up, the full choir joining in with quite +original harmonies. + +In honour of the Prince's visit, nearly all the Fenian prisoners +who were still detained in jail were released. + +Many years after, in 1885, King Edward and Queen Alexandra paid us +a visit at Barons' Court. During that visit a little episode +occurred which is worth recording. On the Sunday, the Princess of +Wales, as she still was, inspected the Sunday School children +before Morning Service. At luncheon the Rector of the parish told +us that one of the Sunday scholars, a little girl, had been taken +ill with congestion of the lungs a few days earlier. The child's +disappointment at having missed seeing the Princess was terrible. +Desperately ill as she was, she kept on harping on her lost +opportunity. After luncheon the Princess drew my sister-in-law, +the present Dowager Duchess of Abercorn, on one side, and inquired +where the sick child lived. Upon being told that it was about four +miles off, the Princess asked whether it would not be possible to +get a pony-cart from the stables and drive there, as she would +like to see the little girl. I myself brought a pony-cart around +to the door, and the Princess and my sister-in-law having got in, +we three started off alone, the Princess driving. When we reached +the cottage where the child lived, H. R. H. went straight up to +the little girl's room, and stayed talking to her for an hour, to +the child's immense joy. Two days later the little girl died, but +she had been made very happy meanwhile. + +A little thing perhaps; but there are not many people in Queen +Alexandra's position who would have taken an eight-mile drive in +an open cart on a stormy and rainy April afternoon in order to +avoid disappointing a dying child, of whose very existence she had +been unaware that morning. + +It is the kind heart which inspires acts like these which has +drawn the British people so irresistibly to Queen Alexandra. + + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +Chittenden's--A wonderful teacher--My personal experiences as a +schoolmaster--My "boys in blue"--My unfortunate garments--A "brave +Belge"--The model boy, and his name--A Spartan regime--"The Three +Sundays"--Novel religious observances--Harrow--"John Smith of +Harrow"--"Tommy" Steele--"Tosher"--An ingenious punishment--John +Farmer--His methods--The birth of a famous song--Harrow school +songs--"Ducker"--The "Curse of Versatility"--Advancing old age-- +The race between three brothers--A family failing--My father's +race at sixty-four--My own--A most acrimonious dispute at Rome-- +Harrow after fifty years. + +I was sent to school as soon as I was nine, to Mr. Chittenden's, +at Hoddesdon, in Hertfordshire. This remarkable man had a very +rare gift: he was a born teacher, or, perhaps, more accurately, a +born mind-trainer. Of the very small stock of knowledge which I +have been able to accumulate during my life, I certainly owe at +least one-half to Mr. Chittenden. There is a certain profusely +advertised system for acquiring concentration, and for cultivating +an artificial memory, the name of which will be familiar to every +one. Instead of the title it actually bears, that system should be +known as "Chittendism," for it is precisely the method adopted by +him with his pupils fifty-four years ago. Mr. Chittenden, probably +recognising that peculiar quality of mental laziness which is such +a marked characteristic of the average English man or woman, set +himself to combat and conquer it the moment he got a pupil into +his hands. Think of the extraordinary number of persons you know +who never do more than half-listen, half-understand, half-attend, +and who only read with their eyes, not with their brains. The +other half of their brain is off wool-gathering somewhere, so +naturally they forget everything they read, and the little they do +remember with half their brain is usually incorrect. It seems to +me that this sort of mental limitation is far more marked in the +young generation, probably because foolish parents seem to think +it rather an amusing trait in their offspring. Now, the boy at +Chittenden's who allowed his mind to wander, and did not +concentrate, promptly made the acquaintance of the "spatter," a +broad leathern strap; and the spatter hurt exceedingly, as I can +testify from many personal experiences of it. On the whole, then, +even the most careless boy found it to his advantage to +concentrate. This clever teacher knew how quickly young brains +tire, so he never devoted more than a quarter of an hour to each +subject, but during that quarter of an hour he demanded, and got, +the full attention of his pupils. The result was that everything +absorbed remained permanently. If I enlarge at some length on Mr. +Chittenden's methods, it is because the subject of education is of +such vital importance, and the mere fact that the much-advertised +system to which I have alluded has attained such success, would +seem to indicate that many people are aware that they share that +curious disability in the intellectual equipment of the average +Englishman to which I have referred; for unless they had +habitually only half-listened, half-read, half-understood, there +could be no need for their undergoing a course of instruction late +in life. Surely it is more sensible to check this peculiarly +English tendency to mental laziness quite early in life, as Mr. +Chittenden did with his boys. To my mind another striking +characteristic of the average English man and woman is their want +of observation. They don't notice: it is far too much trouble; +besides, they are probably thinking of something else. All +Chittenden's boys were taught to observe; otherwise they got into +trouble. He insisted, too, on his pupils expressing themselves in +correct English, with the result that Chittenden's boys were more +intellectually advanced at twelve than the average Public School +boy is at sixteen or seventeen. It is unusual to place such books +as Paley's Christian Evidences, or Archbishop Whately's Historic +Doubts as to Napoleon Bonaparte, in the hands of little boys of +twelve, with any expectation of a satisfactory result; yet we read +them on Sundays, understood the point of them, and could explain +the why and wherefore of them. Chittenden's one fault was his +tendency to "force" a receptive boy, and to develop his intellect +too quickly. As in the Pelm--(I had very nearly written it) +system, he made great use of memoria technica, and always taught +us to link one idea with another. At the age of ten I got puzzled +over Marlborough's campaigns. "'Brom,' my boy, remember 'Brom,'" +said Mr. Chittenden. "That will give you Marlborough's victories +in their proper sequence--Blenheim, Ramillies, Oudenarde, +Malplaquet, 'Brom'"; and "Brom" I have remembered from that day to +this. + +Though it is now many years since Mr. Chittenden passed away, I +must pay this belated tribute to the memory of a very skilful +teacher, and an exceedingly kind friend, to whom I owe an immense +debt of gratitude. + +My own experiences as a pedagogue are limited. During the War, I +was asked to give some lessons in elementary history and +rudimentary French to convalescent soldiers in a big hospital. No +one ever had a more cheery and good-tempered lot of pupils than I +had in my blue-clad, red-tied disciples. For remembering the order +of the Kings of England, we used Mr. Chittenden's jingle, +beginning: + + "Billy, Billy, Harry, Ste, + Harry, Dick, Jack, Harry Three." + +By repeating it all together, over and over again, the very jangle +of it made it stick in my pupils' memory. Dates proved a great +difficulty, yet a few dates, such as that of the Norman Conquest +and of the Battle of Waterloo, were essential. "Clarke, can you +remember the date of the Norman Conquest?" "Very sorry, sir; clean +gone out of my 'ead." "Now, Daniels, how about the date of +Waterloo?" "You've got me this time, sir." Then I had an +inspiration. Feigning to take up a telephone-receiver, and to +speak down it, I begged for "Willconk, One, O, double-six, +please." Twenty blithesome wounded Tommies at once went through an +elaborate pantomime of unhooking receivers, and asked anxiously +for "Willconk--One, O, double-six, miss, please. No, miss, I +didn't say, 'City, six, eight, five, four'; I said 'Willconk, One, +O, double-six.' Thank you, miss; now I can let mother know I'm +coming to tea." This, accompanied by much playful badinage with +the imaginary operator, proved immensely popular, but "Willconk, +One, O, double-six" stuck in the brains of my blue-clothed flock. +In the same way the Battle of Waterloo became "Batterloo--One, +eight, one, five, please, miss," so both those dates remained in +their heads. + +We experienced some little trouble in mastering the French +numerals, until I tried a new scheme, and called out, "From the +right, number, in French!" Then my merry convalescents began +shouting gleefully, "Oon," "Doo," "Troy," "Catta," "Sink," etc.; +but the French numerals stuck in their heads. Never did any one, I +imagine, have such a set of jolly, cheery boys in blue as pupils, +and the strong remnant of the child left in many of them made them +the more attractive. + +When I first went to school, the selection and purchase of my +outfit was, for some inscrutable reason, left to my sisters' +governess, an elderly lady to whom I was quite devoted. This +excellent person, though, knew very little about boys, and nothing +whatever as to their requirements. Her mind harked back to the +"thirties" and "forties," and she endeavoured to reconstitute the +dress of little boys at that period. She ordered for me a velvet +tunic for Sunday wear, of the sort seen in old prints, and a +velvet cap with a peak and tassel, such as young England wore in +William IV.'s days. She had large, floppy, limp collars specially +made for me, of the pattern worn by boys in her youth; every +single article of my unfortunate equipment had been obsolete for +at least thirty years. In my ignorance, and luckily not knowing +what was in store for me, I felt immensely proud of my new kit. + +On the first Sunday after my arrival at school, I arrayed myself +with great satisfaction in a big, floppy collar, and my new velvet +tunic, amidst the loud jeers of all the other boys in the +dormitory. I was, however, hardly prepared for the yells and howls +of derision with which my appearance in the school-room was +greeted; my unfortunate garments were held to be so unspeakably +grotesque that boys laughed till the tears ran down their cheeks. +As church-time approached the boys produced their high hats, which +I found were worn even by little fellows of eight; I had nothing +but my terrible tasselled velvet cap, the sight of which provoked +even louder jeers than the tunic had done. We marched to church +two and two, in old-fashioned style in a "crocodile," but not a +boy in the school would walk beside me in my absurd garments, so a +very forlorn little fellow trotted to church alone behind the +usher, acutely conscious of the very grotesque figure he was +presenting. I must have been dressed very much as Henry Fairchild +was when he went to visit his little friend Master Noble. On +returning from church, I threw my velvet cap into the water-butt, +where, for all I know, it probably is still, and nothing would +induce me to put on the velvet tunic or the floppy collars a +second time. I bombarded my family with letters until I found +myself equipped with a high hat and Eton jackets and collars such +as the other boys wore. + +We were taught French at Chittenden's by a very pleasant old +Belgian, M. Vansittart. I could talk French then as easily as +English, and after exchanging a few sentences with M. Vansittart, +he cried, "Tiens! mais c'est un petit Francais;" but the other +boys laughed so unmercifully at what they termed my affected +accent, that in self-defence I adopted an ultra-British +pronunciation, made intentional mistakes, and, in order to conform +to type, punctiliously addressed our venerable instructor as +"Moosoo," just as the other boys did. M. Vansittart must have been +a very old man, for he had fought as a private in the Belgian army +at the Battle of Waterloo. He had once been imprudent enough to +admit that he and some Belgian friends of his had...how shall we +put it?...absented themselves from the battlefield without the +permission of their superiors, and had hurriedly returned to +Brussels, being doubtless fatigued by their exertions. His little +tormentors never let him forget this. When we thought that we had +done enough French for the day, a shrill young voice would pipe +out, "Now, Moosoo, please tell us how you and all the Belgians ran +away from the Battle of Waterloo." It never failed to achieve the +desired end. "Ah! tas de petits sacripants! 'Ow dare you say dat?" +thundered the poor old gentleman, and he would go on to explain +that his and his friends' retirement was only actuated by the +desire to be the first bearers to Brussels of the news of +Wellington's great victory, and to assuage their families' very +natural anxiety as to their safety. He added, truthfully enough, +"Nos jambes courraient malgres nous." Poor M. Vansittart! He was a +gentle and a kindly old man, with traces of the eighteenth-century +courtliness of manner, and smothered in snuff. + +Mr. Chittenden was never tired of dinning into us the astonishing +merits of a pupil who had been at the school eleven or twelve +years before us. This model boy apparently had the most +extraordinary mental gifts, and had never broken any of the rules. +Mr. Chittenden predicted a brilliant future for him, and would not +be surprised should he eventually become Prime Minister. The +paragon had had a distinguished career at Eton, and was at present +at Cambridge, where he was certain to do equally well. From having +this Admirable Crichton perpetually held up to us as an example, +we grew rather tired of his name, much as the Athenians wearied at +constantly hearing Aristides described as "the just." At length we +heard that the pattern-boy would spend two days at Hoddesdon on +his way back to Cambridge. We were all very anxious to see him. As +Mr. Chittenden confidently predicted that he would one day become +Prime Minister, I formed a mental picture of him as being like my +uncle, Lord John Russell, the only Prime Minister I knew. He would +be very short, and would have his neck swathed in a high black- +satin stock. When the Cambridge undergraduate appeared, he was, on +the contrary, very tall and thin, with a slight stoop, and so far +from wearing a high stock, he had an exceedingly long neck +emerging from a very low collar. His name was Arthur James +Balfour. + +I think Mr. Balfour and the late Mr. George Wyndham were the only +pupils of Chittenden's who made names for themselves. The rest of +us were content to plod along in the rut, though we had been +taught to concentrate, to remember, and to observe. + +Compared with the manner in which little boys are now pampered at +preparatory schools, our method of life appears very Spartan. We +never had fires or any heating whatever in our dormitories, and +the windows were always open. We were never given warm water to +wash in, and in frosty weather our jugs were frequently frozen +over. Truth compels me to admit that this freak of Nature's was +rather welcomed, for little boys are not as a rule over-enamoured +of soap and water, and it was an excellent excuse for avoiding any +ablutions whatever. We rose at six, winter and summer, and were in +school by half-past six. The windows of the school-room were kept +open, whilst the only heating came from a microscopic stove +jealously guarded by a huge iron stockade to prevent the boys from +approaching it. For breakfast we were never given anything but +porridge and bread and butter. We had an excellent dinner at one +o'clock, but nothing for tea but bread and butter again, never +cake or jam. It will horrify modern mothers to learn that all the +boys, even little fellows of eight, were given two glasses of beer +at dinner. And yet none of us were ever ill. I was nearly five +years at Chittenden's, and I do not remember one single case of +illness. We were all of us in perfect health, nor were we ever +afflicted with those epidemics which seem to play such havoc with +modern schools, from all of which I can only conclude that a +regime of beer and cold rooms is exceedingly good for little boys. + +The Grange, Mr. Chittenden's house, was one of the most perfect +examples of a real Queen Anne house that I ever saw. Every room in +the house was wood-panelled, and there was some fine carving on +the staircase. The house, with a splendid avenue of limes leading +up to it, stood in a large old-world garden, where vast cedar +trees spread themselves duskily over shaven lawns round a +splashing fountain, and where scarlet geraniums blazed. Such a +beautiful old place was quite wasted as a school. + +We were very well treated by both Mr. and Mrs. Chittenden, and we +were all very happy at the Grange. During my first year there one +of my elder brothers died. A child of ten, should death never have +touched his family, looks upon it as something infinitely remote, +affecting other people but not himself. Then when the first gap in +the home occurs, all the child's little world tumbles to pieces, +and he wonders how the birds have the heart to go on singing as +usual, and how the sun can keep on shining. A child's grief is +very poignant and real. I can never forget Mr. and Mrs. +Chittenden's extreme kindness to a very sorrowful little boy at +that time. + +There was one curious custom at Chittenden's, and I do not know +whether it obtained in other schools in those days. Some time in +the summer term the head-boy would announce that "The Three +Sundays" had arrived, and must be duly observed according to +ancient custom. We all obeyed him implicity. The first Sunday was +"Cock-hat Sunday," the second "Rag Sunday," and the third (if I +may be pardoned) "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." On the first Sunday we +all marched to church with our high hats at an extreme angle over +our left ears; on the second Sunday every boy had his handkerchief +trailing out of his pocket; on the third, I am sorry to say, +thirty-one little boys expectorated surreptitiously but +simultaneously in the pews, as the first words of the Litany were +repeated. I think that we were all convinced that these were +regularly appointed festivals of the Church of England. I know +that I was, and I spent hours hunting fruitlessly through my +Prayer Book to find some allusion to them. I found Sundays after +Epiphany, Sundays in Lent, and Sundays after Trinity, but not one +word could I discover, to my amazement, either about "Cock-hat +Sunday" or "Spit-in-the-pew Sunday." What can have been the origin +of this singular custom I cannot say. When I, in my turn, became +head-boy, I fixed "The Three Sundays" early in May. It so happened +that year that the Thursday after "Cock-hat Sunday" was Ascension +Day, when we also went to church, but, it being a week-day, we +wore our school caps in the place of high hats. Ascension Day thus +falling, if I may so express myself, within the Octave of "Cock- +hat Sunday," I decreed that the customary ritual must be observed +with the school caps, and my little flock obeyed me implicitly. So +eager were some of the boys to do honour to this religious +festival, that their caps were worn at such an impossible angle +that they kept tumbling off all the way to church. It is the only +time in my life that I have ever wielded even a semblance of +ecclesiastical authority, and I cannot help thinking that the +Archbishop of Canterbury would have envied the unquestioning +obedience with which all my directions were received, for I gather +that his own experience has not invariably been equally fortunate. + +At thirteen I said good-bye to the pleasant Grange, and went, as +my elder brothers, my father, and my grandfather had done before +me, to Harrow. + +In the Harrow of the "seventies" there was one unique personality, +that of the Rev. John Smith, best-loved of men. This saintly man +was certainly very eccentric. We never knew then that his whole +life had been one long fight against the hereditary insanity which +finally conquered him. In appearance he was very tall and gaunt, +with snow-white whiskers and hair, and the kindest eyes I have +ever seen in a human face; he was meticulously clean and neat in +his dress. "John," as he was invariably called, on one occasion +met a poorly clad beggar shivering in the street on a cold day, +and at once stripped off his own overcoat and insisted on the +beggar taking it. John never bought another overcoat, but wrapped +himself in a plaid in winter-time. He addressed all boys +indiscriminately as "laddie," though he usually alluded to the +younger ones as "smallest of created things," "infinitesimal scrap +of humanity," or "most diminutive of men"; but, wildly eccentric +as he was, no one ever thought of laughing at him. It was just +"old John," and that explained everything. + +I was never "up" to John, for he taught a low Form, and I had come +from Chittenden's, and all Chittenden's boys took high places; but +he took "pupil-room" in my house, and helped my tutor generally, +so I saw John daily, and, like every one else, I grew very much +attached to this simple, saint-like old clergyman. + +He went round every room in the house on Sunday evenings, always +first scrupulously knocking at the door. An untidy room gave him +positive pain, and the most slovenly boys would endeavour to get +their filthy rooms into some sort of order, "just to please old +John." John was passionately fond of flowers, and one would meet +the most unlikely boys with bunches of roses in their hands. If +one inquired what they were for, they would say half-sheepishly, +"Oh, just a few roses I've bought. I thought they would please old +John; you know how keen the old chap is on flowers." Now English +schoolboys are not as a rule in the habit of presenting flowers to +their masters. For all his apparent simplicity, John was not easy +to "score off." I have known Fifth-form boys bring a particularly +difficult passage of Herodotus to John in "pupil-room," knowing +that he was not a great Greek scholar. John, after glancing at the +passage, would say, "Laddie, you splendid fellows in the Upper +Fifth know so much; I am but a humble and very ignorant old man. +This passage is beyond my attainments. Go to your tutor, my child. +He will doubtless make it all clear to you; and pray accept my +apologies for being unable to help you," and the Fifth-form boy +would go away feeling thoroughly ashamed of himself. After his +death, it was discovered from his diary that John had been in the +habit of praying for twenty boys by name, every night of his life. +He went right down the school list, and then he began again. Any +lack of personal cleanliness drove him frantic. I myself have +heard him order a boy with dirty nails and hands out of the room, +crying, "Out of my sight, unclean wretch! Go and cleanse the hands +God gave you, before I allow you to associate with clean +gentlemen, and write out for me two hundred times, 'Cleanliness is +next to godliness.'" + +John took the First Fourth, and his little boys could always be +detected by their neatness and extreme cleanliness. Neither of +these can be called a characteristic of little boys in general, +but the little fellows made an effort to overcome their natural +tendencies "to please old John." When his hereditary enemy +triumphed, and his reason left him, hundreds of his old pupils +wished to subscribe, and to surround John for the remainder of his +life with all the comforts that could be given him in his +afflicted condition. It was very characteristic of John to refuse +this offer, and to go of his own accord into a pauper asylum, +where he combined the duties of chaplain and butler until his +death. John was buried at Harrow, and by his own wish no bell was +tolled, and his coffin was covered with scarlet geraniums, as a +sign of rejoicing. I know how I should describe John, were I +preaching a sermon. + +Another mildly eccentric Harrow master was the Rev. T. Steele, +invariably known as "Tommy." His peculiarities were limited to his +use of the pronoun "we" instead of "I," as though he had been a +crowned head, and to his habit of perpetually carrying, winter and +summer, rain or sunshine, a gigantic bright blue umbrella. He had +these umbrellas specially made for him; they were enormous, the +sort of umbrellas Mrs. Gamp must have brought with her when her +professional services were requisitioned, and they were of the +most blatant blue I have ever beheld. Old Mr. Steele, with his +jovial rubicund face, his flowing white beard, and his bright blue +umbrella, was a species of walking tricolour flag. + +Schoolboys worship a successful athlete. There was a very pleasant +mathematical master named Tosswill, always known as "Tosher," who +at that time held the record for a broad jump, he having cleared, +when jumping for Oxford, twenty-two and a half feet. That record +has long since been beaten. Should one be walking with another boy +when passing "Tosher," he was almost certain to say, "You know +that Tosher holds the record for broad jumps. Twenty-two and a +half feet; he must be an awfully decent chap!" Tosswill had the +knack of devising ingenious punishments. I was "up" to him for +mathematics, and, with my hopelessly non-mathematical mind, I must +have been a great trial to him. At that time I was playing the +euphonium in the school brass band, an instrument which afforded +great joy to its exponents, for in most military marches the solo +in the "trio" falls to the euphonium, though I fancy that I evoked +the most horrible sounds from my big brass instrument. To play a +brass instrument with any degree of precision, it is first +necessary to acquire a "lip"--that is to say, the centre of the +lip covered by the mouthpiece must harden and thicken before "open +notes" can be sounded accurately. To "get a lip" quickly, I always +carried my mouthpiece in my pocket, and blew noiselessly into it +perpetually, even in school. Tosher had noticed this. One day my +algebra paper was even worse than usual. With the best intentions +in the world to master this intricate branch of knowledge, algebra +conveyed nothing whatever to my brain. To state that A + b = xy, +seemed to me the assertion of a palpable and self-evident +falsehood. After looking through my paper, Tosher called me up. +"Your algebra is quite hopeless, Hamilton. You will write me out a +Georgic. No; on second thoughts, as you seem to like your brass +instrument, you shall bring it up to my house every morning for +ten days, and as the clock strikes seven, you shall play me "Home, +Sweet Home" under my window." Accordingly every morning for ten +days I trudged through the High Street of Harrow with my big brass +instrument under my arm, and as seven rang out from the school +clock, I commenced my extremely lugubrious rendering of "Home, +Sweet Home," on the euphonium, to a scoffing and entirely +unsympathetic audience of errand-boys and early loafers, until +Tosher's soap-lathered face nodded dismissal from the window. + +The school songs play a great part in Harrow life. Generation +after generation of boys have sung these songs, and they form a +most potent bond of union between Harrovians of all ages, for +their words and music are as familiar to the old Harrovian of +sixty as to the present Harrovian of sixteen. + +Most of these songs are due to the genius of two men, Edward Bowen +and John Farmer. Like Gilbert and Sullivan, neither of these +would, I think, have risen to his full height without the aid of +the other. Farmer had an inexhaustible flow of facile melody at +his command, always tuneful, sometimes almost inspired. In +addition to the published songs, he was continually throwing off +musical settings to topical verse, written for some special +occasion. These were invariably bright and catchy, and I am sorry +that Farmer considered them of too ephemeral a nature to be worth +preserving. "Racquets," in particular, had a delightfully ear- +tickling refrain. Bowen's words are a little unequal at times, but +at his best he is very hard to beat. + +I had organ lessons from Farmer, and as I liked him extremely, I +was continually at his house. I enjoyed seeing him covering sheets +of music paper with rapid notation, and then humming the newly +born product of his musical imagination. As I had a fairly good +treble voice, and could read a part easily, Farmer often selected +me to try one of his new compositions at "house-singing," where +the boys formed an exceedingly critical audience. Either the new +song was approved of, or it was received in chilling silence. +Farmer in moments of excitement perspired more than any human +being I have ever seen. Going to his house one afternoon, I found +him bathed in perspiration, writing away for dear life. He +motioned me to remain silent, and went on writing. Presently he +jumped up, and exclaimed triumphantly, "I have got it! I have got +it at last!" He then showed me the words he was setting to music. +They began: + + "Forty years on, when afar and asunder, + Parted are those who are singing to-day." + +"I wrote another tune to it first," explained Farmer, "a bright +tune, a regular bell-tinkle" (his invariable expression for a +catchy tune), "but Bowen's words are too fine for that. They want +something hymn-like, something grand, and now I've found it. +Listen!" and Farmer played me that majestic, stately melody which +has since been heard in every country and in every corner of the +globe, wherever two old Harrovians have come together. Some people +may recall how, during the Boer War, "Forty years on" was sung by +two mortally wounded Harrovians on the top of Spion Kop just +before they died. + +To my great regret my voice had broken then, else it is quite +possible that Farmer might have selected me to sing "Forty years +on" for the very first time. As it was, that honour fell to a boy +named A.M. Wilkinson, who had a remarkably sweet voice. + +John Farmer's eccentricities were, I think, all assumed. He +thought they helped him to manage the boys. I sang in the chapel +choir, and he circulated the quaintest little notes amongst us, +telling us how he wished the Psalms sung. "Psalm 136, quite gaily +and cheerfully; Psalm 137, very slowly and sorrowfully; Psalm 138, +real merry bell-tinkle, with plenty of organ.--J. F." + +Long after I had left, Farmer continued to pour out a ceaseless +flow of school songs. Of course they varied in merit, but in some, +such as "Raleigh," and "Five Hundred Faces," he managed to touch +some subtle chord of sympathy that makes them very dear to those +who heard them in their youth. After Farmer left Harrow for +Oxford, his successor, Eaton Faning, worthily continued the +traditions. All Eaton Failing's songs are melodious, but in two of +them, "Here, sir!" and "Pray, charge your glasses, gentlemen," he +reaches far higher levels. + +The late E.W. Howson's words to "Here, sir!" seem to strike +exactly the right note for boys. They are fine and virile, with +underlying sentiment, yet free from the faintest suspicion of +mawkish sentimentality. Two of the verses are worth quoting: + + "Is it nought--our long procession, + Father, brother, friend, and son, + As we step in quick succession, + Cap and pass and hurry on? + One and all, + At the call, + Cap and pass and hurry on? + Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc. + + "So to-day--and oh! if ever + Duty's voice is ringing clear, + Bidding men to brave endeavour, + Be our answer, 'We are here!' + Come what will, + Good or ill, + We will answer, 'We are here!' + Here, sir! Here, sir!" etc. + +The allusion is, of course, to "Bill," the Harrow term for the +roll-call. These lines, for me, embody all that is best in the so- +called "Public School spirit." + +In my time the distant view from the chapel terrace was +exceedingly beautiful, whilst the immediate foreground was +uncompromisingly ugly. A vegetable garden then covered the space +where now the steps of the "Slopes" run down through lawns and +shrubberies, and rows of utilitarian cabbages and potatoes +extended right up to the terrace wall. But beyond this prosaic +display of kitchen-stuff, in summer-time an unbroken sea of green +extended to the horizon, dotted with such splendid oaks as only a +heavy clay soil can produce. London, instead of being ten miles +off, might have been a hundred miles distant. Now, for fifty years +London, Cobbett's "monstrous wen," has been throwing her tentative +feelers into the green Harrow country. Already pioneer tentacles +of red-brick houses are creeping over the fields, and before long +the rural surroundings will have vanished beyond repair. + +"Ducker," the Harrow bathing-place, has had scant justice done to +it. It is a most attractive spot, standing demurely isolated +amidst its encircling fringe of fine elms, and jealously guarded +by a high wooden palisade, No unauthorised person can penetrate +into "Ducker"; in summer-time it is the boys' own domain. The long +tiled pool stretches in sweeping curves for 250 feet under the +great elms, a splashing fountain at one end, its far extremity gay +with lawns and flower-beds. I can conceive of nothing more typical +of the exuberant joie-de-vivre of youth than the sight of Ducker +on a warm summer evening when the place is ringing with the shouts +and laughter of some four hundred boys, all naked as when they +were born, swimming, diving, ducking each other, splashing and +rollicking in the water, whilst others stretched out on the grass, +puris naturalibus, are basking in the sun, or regaling themselves +on buns and cocoa. The whole place is vibrant with the intense +zest the young feel in life, and with the whole-hearted powers of +enjoyment of boyhood. A school-song set to a captivating waltz- +lilt record the charms of Ducker. One verse of it, + + "Oh! the effervescing tingle, + How it rushes in the veins! + Till the water seems to mingle + With the pulses and the brains," + +exactly expresses the reason why, as a boy, I loved Ducker so. + +Unfortunately, I never played cricket for Harrow at "Lords," as my +two brothers George and Ernest did. My youngest brother would, I +think, have made a great name for himself as a cricketer, had not +the fairies endowed him at his birth with a fatal facility for +doing everything easily. As the result of this versatility, his +ambitions were continually changing. He accordingly abandoned +cricket for steeplechase riding, at which he distinguished himself +until politics ousted steeplechase riding. After some years, +politics gave place to golf and music, which were in their turn +supplanted by photography. He then tried writing a few novels, and +very successful some of them were, until it finally dawned on him +that his real vocation in life was that of a historian. My brother +was naturally frequently rallied by his family on his inconstancy +of purpose, but he pleaded in extenuation that versatility had +very marked charms of its own. He produced one day a copy of +verses, written in the Gilbertian metre, to illustrate his mental +attitude, and they strike me as so neatly worded, that I will +reproduce them in full. + + "THE CURSE OF VERSATILITY" + + "It is possible the student of Political Economy + Might otherwise have cultivated Fame, + And the Scientist whose energies are given to Astronomy + May sacrifice a literary name. + In the Royal Academician may be buried a facility + For prosecuting Chemical Research, + But he knows that if he truckles to the Curse of Versatility, + Competitors will leave him in the lurch. + + "If an eminent physician should develop a proclivity + For singing on the operatic stage, + He will find that though his patients may apparently forgive + it, he + Will temporal'ly cease to be the rage, + And the lawyer who depreciates his logical ability + And covets a poetical renown, + Will discover on his Circuit that the Curse of Versatility + Has limited the office of his gown. + + "The costermonger yonder, if he had the opportunity, + Might rival the political career + Of the orator who poses as the pride of the community, + The Radical Hereditary Peer. + And the genius who fattens on a chronic inability + To widen the horizon of his brain, + May be stupider than others whom the Curse of Versatility + Has fettered with a mediocre chain. + + "Should a Civil Servant woo the panegyrics of Society, + And hanker after posthumous applause, + It MAY happen that possession of a prodigal variety + Of talents will invalidate his cause. + He must learn to put a tether on his cerebral agility, + And focus all his energies of aim + On ONE isolated idol, or the Curse of Versatility + Will drag him from the pinnacle of Fame. + + "Though the Curse may be upon ns, and condemn us for Eternity + To jostle with the ordinary horde; + Though we grovel at the shrine of the professional fraternity + Who harp upon one solitary chord; + Still...we face the situation with an imperturbability + Of spirit, from the knowledge that we owe + To the witchery that lingers in the Curse of Versatility + The balance of our happiness below." + +Of course, to some temperaments variety will appeal; whilst others +revel in monotony. The latter are like a District Railway train, +going perpetually round and round the same Inner Circle. As far as +my experience goes, the former are the more interesting people to +meet. + +To persons of my time of life, the last verse of "Forty years on" +has a tendency to linger in the memory. It runs-- + + "Forty years on, growing older and older, + Shorter in wind, as in memory long, + Feeble of foot, and rheumatic of shoulder, + What will it help you that once you were strong?" + +Although it is now fifty, instead of "forty years on," I +indignantly disclaim the "feeble of foot," whilst reluctantly +pleading guilty to "rheumatic of shoulder." It is common to most +people, as they advance in life, to note with a sorrowful +satisfaction the gradual decay of the physical powers of their +contemporaries, though they always seem to imagine that they +themselves have retained all their pristine vigour, and have +successfully resisted every assault of Time's battering-ram. The +particular sentiment described in German as "Schadenfreude," +"pleasure over another's troubles" (how characteristic it is that +there should be no equivalent in any other language for this +peculiarly Teutonic emotion!), makes but little appeal to the +average Briton except where questions of age and of failing powers +come into play, and obviously this only applies to men: no lady +ever grows old for those who are really fond of her; one always +sees her as one likes best to think of her. + +I have already divulged one family secret, so I will reveal +another. Some few years ago my three eldest brothers were dining +together. Each of them professed deep concern at the palpable +signs of physical decay which he detected in his brethren, whilst +congratulating himself on remaining untouched by advancing years. +The dispute became acrimonious to a degree; the grossest +personalities were freely bandied about. At length it was decided +to put the matter to a practical test, and it was agreed (I tell +this in the strictest confidence) that the three brothers should +run a hundred yards race in the street then and there. +Accordingly, a nephew of mine paced one hundred yards in Montagu +Street, Portman Square, and stood immovable as winning-post. The +Chairman of the British South African Chartered Company, the +Chairman of the Great Eastern Railway Company, and the Secretary +of State for India took up their positions in the street and +started. The Chairman of the Great Eastern romped home. We are all +of us creatures of our environment, and we may become +unconsciously coloured by that environment; as the Great Eastern +Railway has always adopted a go-ahead policy, it is possible that +some particle of the momentum which would naturally result from +this may have been subconsciously absorbed by the Chairman, thus +giving him an unfair advantage over his brothers. It is unusual +for a Duke, a Chairman of an important Railway Company, and a +Secretary of State to run races in a London street at ten o'clock +at night, especially when the three of them were long past their +sixtieth year, but I feel certain that my confidence about this +little episode will be respected. + +I fear that this habit of running races late in life may be a +family failing. During my father's second tenure of office as +Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, he was still an enthusiastic +cricketer, and played regularly in the Viceregal team in spite of +his sixty-four years. The Rev. Dr. Mahaffy, Professor of Ancient +History at Trinity College, Dublin, also played for the Viceregal +Lodge in his capacity of Chaplain to the Viceroy. Dr. Mahaffy, +though a fine bowler, was the worst runner I have ever seen. He +waddled and paddled slowly over the ground like a duck, with his +feet turned outwards, exactly as that uninteresting fowl moves. My +father frequently rallied Dr. Mahaffy on his defective locomotive +powers, and finally challenged him to a two hundred yards race. My +father being sixty-four years old, and Dr. Mahaffy only thirty- +six, it was agreed that the Professor should be handicapped by +wearing cricket-pads, and by carrying a cricket bat. I was present +at the race, which came off in the gardens of the Viceregal Lodge, +before quite a number of people. My father won with the utmost +ease, to the delirious joy of the two policemen on duty, who had +never before seen a Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland racing a Professor +of Trinity College. + +I myself must plead guilty to having entered for a "Veterans' +Race" two years ago, at the age of sixty-one, at some Sunday +School sports in Ireland. I ran against a butler, a gardener, two +foremen-mechanics, and four farmers, but only achieved second +place, and that at the price of a sprained tendon, so possibly the +"feeble of foot" of the song really is applicable to me after all. +The butler, who won, started off with the lead and kept it, though +one would naturally have expected a butler to run a "waiting" +race. + +I was at Harrow with the Duke of Aosta, brother of the beautiful +Queen Margherita of Italy. H. R. H. sported a full curly yellow +beard at the age of sixteen, a somewhat unusual adornment for an +English schoolboy. When I accompanied my father's special Mission +to Rome in 1878, at a luncheon at the Quirinal Palace, Queen +Margherita alluded to her brother having been at Harrow, and +added, "I am told that Harrow is the best school in England." The +Harrovians present, including my father, my brother Claud, myself, +the late Lord Bradford, and my brother-in-law the late Lord Mount +Edgcumbe, welcomed this indisputable proposition warmly--nay, +enthusiastically. The Etonians who were there, Sir Augustus Paget, +then British Ambassador in Rome, the late Lord Northampton, and +others, contravened her Majesty's obviously true statement with +great heat, quite oblivious of the fact that it is opposed to all +etiquette to contradict a Crowned Head. The dispute engendered +considerable heat on either side; the walls of that hall in the +Quirinal rang with our angered protests, until the Italians +present became quite alarmed. Our discussion having taken place in +English, they had been unable to follow it, and they felt the +gravest apprehensions as to the plot the foreigners were evidently +hatching. When told that we were merely discussing the rival +merits of two schools in England, they were more than ever +confirmed in their opinion that all English people were hopelessly +mad. + +To one like myself, to whom it has fallen to visit almost every +country on the face of the globe, there is always a tinge of +melancholy in revisiting the familiar High Street of Harrow. It is +like returning to the starting-point at the conclusion of a long +race. The externals remain unchanged. Outwardly, the New Schools, +the Chapel, the Vaughan Library, and the Head-Master's House all +wear exactly the same aspect that they bore half a century ago. +They have not changed, and the ever-renewed stream of young life +flows through the place as joyously as it did fifty years ago. +But.... + + "Oh, the great days in the distance enchanted, + Days of fresh air, in the rain and the sun." + +At times the imagination is apt to play tricks and to set back the +hands of the clock, until one pictures oneself again in a short +jacket and Eton collar, going up to school, with a pile of books +hugged under the left arm, and the intervening half-century wiped +out. But, as they would put it in Ireland, these lucky, fresh- +faced youngsters of to-day have their futures in front of them, +not behind them. Then it is that Howson's words, wedded to John +Farmer's haunting refrain, come back to the mind-- + + "Yet the time may come as the years go by, + When your heart will thrill + At the thought of 'The Hill' + And the day that you came, so strange and shy." + + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +Mme. Ducros--A Southern French country town--"Tartarin de +Tarascon"--His prototypes at Nyons--M. Sisteron the roysterer--The +Southern French--An octogenarian pesteur--French industry--"Bone- +shakers"--A wonderful "Cordon-bleu"--"Slop-basin"--French legal +procedure--The bons-vivants--The merry French judges--La gaiete +francaise--Delightful excursions--Some sleepy old towns--Orange +and Avignon--M. Thiers' ingenious cousin--Possibilities--French +political situation in 1874--The Comte de Chambord--Some French +characteristics--High intellectual level--Three days in a Trappist +Monastery--Details of life there--The Arian heresy--Silkworm +culture--Tendencies of French to complicate details--Some +examples--Cicadas in London. + +As it had already been settled that I was to enter the Diplomatic +Service, my father very wisely determined that I should leave +Harrow as soon as I was seventeen to go to France, in order to +learn French thoroughly. As he pointed out, it would take three +years at least to become proficient in French and German, and it +would be as well to begin at once. + +The French tutor selected for me enjoyed a great reputation at +that time. Oddly enough, she was a woman, but it will be gathered +that she was quite an exceptional woman, when I say that she had +for years ruled four unruly British cubs, varying in age from +seventeen to twenty, with an absolute rod of iron. Mme. Ducros was +the wife of a French judge, she spoke English perfectly, and must +have been in her youth a wonderfully good-looking woman. She was +very tall, and still adhered to the dress and headdress of the +"sixties," wearing little bunches of curls over each ear--a +becoming fashion, even if rather reminiscent of a spaniel. + +The Ducros lived at Nyons in the south of France. Nyons lay +twenty-five miles east of the main line from Paris to Marseilles, +and could only be reached by diligence. I think that I can safely +say that no foreigner (with the exception of the Ducros' pupils) +had ever set foot in Nyons, for the place was quite unknown, and +there was nothing to draw strangers there. It was an +extraordinarily attractive spot, lying in a little circular cup of +a valley of the Dauphine Alps, through which a brawling river had +bored its way. Nyons was celebrated for its wine, its olive oil, +its silk, and its truffles, all of them superlatively good. The +ancient little walled town, basking in this sun-trap of a valley, +stood out ochre-coloured against the silver-grey background of +olive trees, whilst the jagged profiles of the encircling hills +were always mistily blue, with that intense blue of which the +Provence hills seem alone to have the secret. So few English +people knew anything about the conditions of life in a little out- +of-the-way French provincial town, where no foreigners have ever +set foot, that it may be worth while saying something about them. +In the first place, it must have been deadly dull for the +inhabitants, for nothing whatever happened there. Even the +familiar "tea and tennis," the stereotyped mild dissipation of +little English towns, was quite unknown. There was no entertaining +of any sort, beyond the formal visits the ladies were perpetually +paying each other. The Ducros alone, occasionally, asking their +legal friends to dinner, invitations accepted with the utmost +enthusiasm, for the culinary genius who presided over the Ducros' +kitchen (M. Dueros' own sister) deservedly enjoyed an enormous +local reputation. + +Most people must be familiar with Alphonse Daudet's immortal work, +Tartarin de Tarascon, in which the typical "Meridional" of +Southern France is portrayed with such unerring exactitude that +Daudet himself, after writing the book, was never able to set foot +in Tarascon again. + +We had a cercle in Nyons, in the Place Napoleon (re-christened +Place de la Republique after September 4, 1870), housed in three +rather stately, sparsely furnished, eighteenth-century rooms. +Here, with the exception of Tartarin himself, the counterparts of +all Daudet's characters were to be found. "Le Capitaine Bravida" +was represented by Colonel Olivier, a fiercely moustached and +imperialled Crimean veteran, who perpetually breathed fire and +swords on any potential enemy of France. "Costecalde" found his +prototype in M. Sichap, who, although he had in all probability +never fired off a gun in his life, could never see a tame pigeon, +or even a sparrow flying over him, without instantly putting his +walking-stick to his shoulder and loudly ejaculating, "Pan, pan," +which was intended to counterfeit the firing of both barrels of a +gun. I once asked M. Sichap why so excellent a shot as he (with a +walking-stick) invariably missed his bird with his first barrel, +and only brought him down with his second. This was quite a new +light to M. Sichap, who had hithered considered the double "Pan, +pan," an indispensable adjunct to the pantomime of firing a gun; +much as my young brother and I had once imagined "Ug, ug," an +obligatory commencement to any remark made by a Red Indian +"brave." + +In so remote a place as Nyons, over four hundred miles from the +capital, the glamour of Paris exercised a magical attraction. The +few inhabitants of Nyons who had ever visited Paris, or even +merely passed through it, were never quite as other people, some +little remnant of an aureole encircled them. The dowdy little wife +of M. Pelissier, who had first seen the light in some grubby +suburb of Paris, either Levallois-Perret or Clichy, held an +immense position in Nyons on the strength of being "une vraie +Parisienne," and most questions of taste were referred to her. M. +Sisteron, the collector of taxes, himself a native of Nyons, had +twenty years before gone to Paris on business, and spent four days +there. There were the darkest rumours current in Nyons, to the +effect that M. Sisteron had spent these four days in a whirl of +the most frantic and abandoned dissipation. It was popularly +supposed that these four days in Paris, twenty years ago, had so +completely unsettled M. Sisteron that life in Nyons had lost all +zest for him. He was perpetually hungering for the delirious joys +of the metropolis; even the collection of taxes no longer afforded +him the faintest gratification. Every inhabitant of Nyons was +secretly proud of being able to claim so dare-devil a roysterer as +a fellow-townsman. The memory of those rumored four hectic days in +Paris clung round him like a halo; it became almost a pleasure to +pay taxes to so celebrated a character. M. Sisteron was short, +paunchy, bald, and bearded. He was a model husband and a pattern +as a father. I am persuaded that he had spent those four days in +Paris in the most blameless and innocuous fashion, living in the +cheapest hotel he could find, and, after the manner of the people +of Nyons, never spending one unnecessary franc. Still, the legend +of his lurid four days, and of the amount of champagne he had +consumed during them, persisted. In moments of expansion, his +intimate friends would dig him in the ribs, remembering those four +feverish days, with a facetious, "Ah! vieux polisson de Sisteron, +va! Nous autres, nous n'avons pas fait des farces a Paris dans +notre jeunesse!" to M. Sisteron's unbounded delight. It was in the +genuine spirit of Tartarin de Tarascon, with all the mutual make- +believe on both sides. His wife, Mme. Sisteron, was fond of +assuring her friends that she owed her excellent health to the +fact that she invariably took a bath twice a year, whether she +required it or not. + +The other members of the cercle were also mostly short, tubby, +black-bearded, and olive-complexioned. When not engaged in playing +"manille" for infinitesimal points, they would all shout and +gesticulate violently, as only Southern Frenchmen can, relapsing +as the discussion grew more heated into their native Provencal, +for though Nyons is geographically in Dauphine, climatically and +racially it is in Provence. In Southern France the "Langue d'Oil," +the literary language of Paris and Northern France, has never +succeeded in ousting the "Langue d'Oc," the language of the +Troubadours. From hearing so much Provencal talked round me, I +could not help picking up some of it. It was years before I could +rid myself of the habit of inquiring quezaco? instead of "qu'est +ce que c'est?" and of substituting for "Comment cela va-t-il?" the +Provencal Commoun as? I found, too, that it was unusual elsewhere +to address people in our Nyons fashion as "Te, mon bon!" + +Those swarthy, amply waistcoated, voluble little men were really +very good fellows in spite of their excitability and torrents of +talk. + +The Southern Frenchmen divide Europe into the "Nord" and the +"Midi." The "Nord" is hardly worth talking about, the sun never +really shines there, and no garlic or oil is used in cookery in +those benighted regions. The town of Lyons is considered to be in +the "Nord," although we should consider it well in the south of +France. To the curious in such matters, it may be pointed out that +the line of demarcation between "Nord" and "Midi" is perfectly +well defined. In travelling from Paris to Marseilles, between +Valence and Montelimar, the observer will note that quite abruptly +the type of house changes. In place of the high-pitched roof of +Northern Europe the farm-houses suddenly assume flat roofs of +fluted tiles, with projecting eaves, after the Italian fashion; at +the same time the grey-green olive trees put in a first +appearance. Then you are in the "Midi," and any black-bearded, +olive-complexioned, stumpy little men in the carriage will give a +sigh of relief, for now, at last, the sun will begin to shine. + +Nyons had been for two hundred years a Huguenot stronghold, so for +a French town an unusual proportion of its inhabitants were +Protestants, and there was, oddly enough, a colony of French +Wesleyans there. + +M. Ducros' father had been the Protestant pasteur of Nyons for +forty-four years. He was eighty-six years old, and on week-days +the old gentleman dozed in the sun all day, and was quite senile +and gaga. On Sundays, no sooner had he ascended the pulpit than +his faculties seemed to return to him, and he would preach +interminable but perfectly coherent sermons with a vigour +astonishing in so old a man, only to relapse into childishness +again on returning home, and to remain senile till the following +Sunday. + +The Ducros lived in a large farm-house on the outskirts of the +town. It was a farm without any livestock, for there is no grass +whatever in that part of France, and consequently no pasture for +cattle or sheep. Every one in Nyons kept goats for milk, and, +quaintly enough, they fed them on the dried mulberry leaves the +silkworms had left over. For every one reared silkworms too, a +most lucrative industry. The French speak of "making" silkworms +(faire des vers-a-soie). Lucrative as it is, it would never +succeed in England even if the white mulberry could be induced to +grow, for successful silkworm rearing demands such continual +watchfulness and meticulous attention as only French people can +give; English people "couldn't be bothered" to expend such minute +care on anything they were doing. + +Every foot of the Ducros' property was carefully cultivated, with +vineyards above on the terraced hillside, olive-yards below, and +mulberry trees on the lower levels. Our black mulberry, with its +cloying, luscious fruit, is not the sort used for silkworms; it is +the white mulberry, which does not fruit, that these clever little +alchemists transmute into glossy, profitable cocoons of silk. The +Ducros made their own olive-oil, and their own admirable wine. + +In that sun-drenched cup amongst the hills, roses bloomed all the +year round. I always see Nyons with my inner eyes from the terrace +in front of the house, the air fragrant with roses, and the +soothing gurgle of the fountain below in my ears as it splashed +melodiously into its stone reservoir, the little town standing out +a vivid yellow against the silver background of olive trees, and +the fantastic outlines of the surrounding hills steeped in that +wonderful deep Provencal blue. In spite of its dullness, I and the +three other pupils liked the place. We all grew very fond of the +charming Ducros family, we appreciated the wonderful beauty of the +little spot, we climbed all the hills, and, above all, we had each +hired a velocipede. Not a bicycle (except that it certainly had +two wheels); not a so-called "ordinary," as those machines with +one immensely high, shining, nickel-plated wheel and a little +dwarf brother following it, were for some inexplicable reason +termed; but an original antediluvian velocipede, a genuine "bone- +shaker": a clumsy contrivance with two high wooden wheels of equal +height, and direct action. Even on the level they required an +immense amount of muscle to drive them along, and up the smallest +hill every ounce of available strength had to be brought into +play. They did not steer well, were very difficult to get on and +off, and gave us some awful falls; still we got an immense amount +of fun out of them, and we scoured all the surrounding country on +them, until all four of us developed gigantic calves which would +have done credit to any coal-heaver. + +M. Ducros' sister was a brilliant culinary genius such as is only +found in France. We were given truffled omelets, wonderful salads +of eggs, anchovies, and tunny-fish, ducks with oranges and olives, +and other delicacies of the Provencal cuisine prepared by a +consummate artist, and those four English cubs termed them all +"muck," and clamoured for plain roast mutton and boiled potatoes. +It really was a case of casting pearls before swine! Those +ignorant hobbledehoys actually turned up their noses at the +admirable "Cotes du Rhone" wine, and begged for beer. In justice I +must add that we were none of us used to truffles or olives, nor +to the oil which replaces butter in Provencal cookery. Mlle. +Louise, the sister, was pained, but not surprised. She had never +left Nyons, and, from her experience of a long string of English +pupils, was convinced that all Englishmen were savages. They +inhabited an island enveloped in dense fog from year's end to +year's end. They had never seen the sun, and habitually lived on +half-raw "rosbif." It was only natural that such young barbarians +should fail to appreciate the cookery of so celebrated a cordon- +bleu, which term, I may add, is only applicable to a woman-cook, +and can never be used of a man. This truly admirable woman made us +terrines of truffled foie-gras such as even Strasburg could not +surpass, and gave them to us for breakfast. I blush to own that +those four benighted boys asked for eggs and bacon instead. + +Although M. Ducros had heard English talked around him for so many +years, he had all the average Frenchman's difficulty in +assimilating any foreign language. His knowledge of our tongue was +confined to one word only, and that a most curiously chosen word. +"Slop-basin" was the beginning and end of his knowledge of the +English language. M. Ducros used his one word of English only in +moments of great elation. Should, for instance, his sister Mlle. +Louise have surpassed herself in the kitchen, M. Ducros, after +tasting her chef d'oeuvre, would joyously ejaculate, "Slop-basin!" +several times over. It was understood in his family that "slop- +basin" always indicated that the master of the house was in an +extremely contented frame of mind. + +The judicial system of France is not as concentrated as ours. +Every Sous-prefecture in France has its local Civil Court with a +Presiding Judge, an Assistant Judge, and a "Substitut." The +latter, in small towns, is the substitute for the Procureur de la +Republique, or Public Prosecutor. The legal profession in France +is far more "clannish" than with us, for lawyers have always +played a great part in the history of France. The so-called +"Parlements" (not to be confounded with our Parliament) had had, +up to the time of the French Revolution, very large powers indeed. +They were originally Supreme Courts of Justice, but by the +fifteenth century they could not only make, on their own account, +regulations having the force of laws, but had acquired independent +administrative powers. Originally the "Parlement de Paris" stood +alone, but as time went on, in addition to this, thirteen or +fourteen local "Parlements" administered France. After the +Revolution, the term was only applied to Supreme Courts, without +administrative powers. M. Ducros was Assistant Judge of the Nyons +Tribunal, and the Ducros were rather fond of insisting that they +belonged to the old noblesse de robe. + +As a child I could speak French as easily as English, and even +after eight years of French lessons at school, my French was still +tucked away in some corner of my head; but I had, of course, only +a child's vocabulary, sufficient for a child's simple wants. Under +Madame Ducros' skilful tuition I soon began to acquire an adult +vocabulary, and it became no effort to me whatever to talk. + +The French judicial system seems to demand perpetual judicial +inquiries (enquetes) in little country places. M. Ducros invited +me to accompany him, the President, and the "Substitut" on one of +these enquetes, and these three, with their tremendous spirits, +their perpetual jokes, and above all with their delightful gaiete +francaise, amused me so enormously, that I jumped at a second +invitation. So it came about in time, that I invariably +accompanied them, and when we started in the shabby old one-horse +cabriolet soon after 7 a.m., "notre ami le petit Angliche" was +always perched on the box. My suspicions may be unfounded, but I +somehow think that these enquetes were conducted not so much on +account of legal exigencies as for the gastronomic possibilities +at the end of the journey, for all our inquiries were made in +little towns celebrated for some local chef. These three merry +bons-vivants revelled in the pleasures of the table, and on our +arrival at our destinations, before the day's work was entered +upon, there were anxious and even heated discussions with "Papa +Charron," "Pere Vinay," or whatever the name of the local artist +might be, as to the comparative merits of truffles or olives as an +accompaniment to a filet, or the rival claims of mushrooms or +tunny-fish as a worthy lining of an omelet. The legal business +being all disposed of by two o'clock, we four would approach the +great ceremony of the day, the midday dinner, with tense +expectancy. The President could never keep out of the kitchen, +from which he returned with most assuring reports: "Cette fois ca +y est, mes amis," he would jubilantly exclaim, rubbing his hands, +and even "Papa Charron" himself bearing in the first dish, his +face scorched scarlet from his cooking-stove, would confidently +aver that "MM. les juges seront contents aujourd'hui." + +The crowning seal of approbation was always put on by M. Ducros, +who, after tasting the masterpiece, would cry exultantly, "Bravo! +Slop-basin! Slop-basin!" should it fulfil his expectations. I have +previously explained that M. Ducros' solitary word of English +expressed supreme satisfaction, whilst his friends looked on, with +unconcealed admiration at their colleague's linguistic powers. It +sounds like a record of three gormandising middle-aged men; but it +was not quite that, though, like most French people, they +appreciated artistic cookery. It is impossible for me to convey in +words the charm of that delightful gaiete francaise, especially +amongst southern Frenchmen. It bubbles up as spontaneously as the +sparkle of champagne; they were all as merry as children, full of +little quips and jokes, and plays upon words. Our English "pun" is +a clumsy thing compared to the finesse of a neatly-turned French +calembour. They all three, too, had an inexhaustible supply of +those peculiarly French pleasantries known as petites +gauloiseries. I know that I have never laughed so much in my life. +It is only southern Frenchmen who can preserve this unquenchable +torrent of animal spirits into middle life. I was only seventeen; +they were from twenty to thirty years my seniors, yet I do not +think that we mutually bored each other the least. They did not +need the stimulus of alcohol to aid this flow of spirits, for, +like most Frenchmen of that class, they were very abstemious, +although the "Patron" always produced for us "un bon vieux vin de +derriere les fagots," or "un joli petit vin qui fait rire." It was +sheer "joie de-vivre" stimulated by the good food and that +spontaneous gaiete francaise which appeals so irresistibly to me. +The "Substitut" always preserved a rather deferential attitude +before the President and M. Ducros, for they belonged to the +magistrature assise, whilst he merely formed part of the +magistrature debout The French word magistrat is not the +equivalent of our magistrate, the French term for which is "Juge +de Paix." A magistrat means a Judge or a Public Prosecutor. + +From being so much with the judges, I grew quite learned in French +legal terms, talked of the parquet (which means the Bar), and +invariably termed the grubby little Nyons law-court the Palais. I +rather fancy that I considered myself a sort of honorary member of +the French Bar. Strictly speaking, Palais only applies to a Court +of Law; old-fashioned Frenchmen always speak of the Chateau de +Versailles, or the Chateau de Fontainbleau, never of the Palais. + +There was always plenty to see in these little southern towns +whilst the judges were at work. In one village there was a perfume +factory, where essential oils of sweet-scented geranium, verbena, +lavender, and thyme were distilled for the wholesale Paris +perfumers; a fragrant place, where every operation was carried on +with that minute attention to detail which the French carry into +most things that they do, for, unlike the inhabitants of an +adjacent island, they consider that if a thing is worth doing at +all, it is worth taking trouble over. + +In another village there was a wholesale dealer in silkworms' +eggs, imported direct from China. Besides the eggs, he had a host +of Chinese curios to dispose of, besides quaint little objects in +everyday use in China. + +Above all there was Grignan, with its huge and woefully +dilapidated chateau, the home of Mme. de Sevigne's daughter, the +Comtesse de Grignan. It was to Grignan that this queen of letter- +writers addressed much of her correspondence to her adored +daughter, between 1670 and 1695, and Mme. de Sevigne herself was +frequently a visitor there. + +Occasionally the judges, the Substitut, and I made excursions +further afield by diligence to Orange, Vaucluse, and Avignon, +quite outside our judicial orbit. Orange, a drowsy little spot, +has still a splendid Roman triumphal arch and a Roman theatre in +the most perfect state of preservation. Orange was once a little +independent principality, and gives its name to the Royal Family +of Holland, the sister of the last of the Princes of Orange having +married the Count of Nassau, whence the House of Orange-Nassau. +Indirectly, sleepy little Orange has also given its name to a +widely-spread political and religious organisation of some +influence. + +Vaucluse, most charming of places, in its narrow leafy valley, +surrounded by towering cliffs, is celebrated as having been the +home of Petrarch for sixteen years during the thirteen hundreds. +We may hope that his worshipped Laura sometimes brightened his +home there with her presence. The famous Fountain of Vaucluse +rushes out from its cave a full-grown river. It wastes no time in +infant frivolities, but settles down to work at once, turning a +mill within two hundred yards of its birthplace. + +Avignon is another somnolent spot. The gigantic and gloomy Palace +of the Popes dominates the place, though it is far more like a +fortress than a palace. Here the Popes lived from 1309 to 1377 +during their enforced abandonment of Rome, and Avignon remained +part of the Papal dominions until the French Revolution. The +President took less interest in the Palace of the Popes than he +did in a famous cook at one of the Avignon hotels. He could hardly +recall some of the plats of this noted artist without displaying +signs of deep emotion. These ancient towns on the banks of the +swift-rushing green Rhone seemed to me to be perpetually dozing in +the warm sun, like old men, dreaming of their historic and varied +past since the days of the Romans. + +My French legal friends were much exercised by a recent decision +of the High Court. M. Thiers had been President of the Republic +from 1870 to 1873. A distant cousin of his living in Marseilles, +being in pecuniary difficulties, had applied ineffectually to M. +Thiers for assistance. Whereupon the resourceful lady had opened a +restaurant in Marseilles, and had had painted over the house-front +in gigantic letters, "Restaurant tenu par la cousine de Monsieur +Thiers." She was proceeded against for bringing the Head of the +State into contempt, was fined heavily, and made to remove the +offending inscription. My French friends hotly contested the +legality of this decision. They declared that it was straining the +sense of the particular Article of the Code to make it applicable +in such a case, and that it was illogical to apply the law of +Lese-majeste to the Head of a Republican State. The President +pertinently added that no evidence as to the quality of food +supplied in the restaurant had been taken. If bad, it might +unquestionably reflect injuriously on the Head of the State; if +good, on the other hand, in view of the admitted relationship of +the proprietress of the restaurant to him, it could only redound +to M. Thiers' credit. This opens up interesting possibilities. If +relationship to a prominent politician may be utilised for +business purposes, we may yet see in English watering-places the +facades of houses blazoned with huge inscriptions: "This Private +Hotel is kept by a fourth cousin of Lord Rose--," whilst facing +it, gold lettering proudly proclaims that "The Proprietress of +this Establishment is a distant relative of Mr. Ar--Bal--"; or, +to impart variety, at the next turning the public might perhaps be +informed in gleaming capitals that "The Cashier in this Hotel is +connected by marriage with Mr. As---." The idea really offers an +unlimited field for private enterprise. + +The political situation in France was very strained at the +beginning of 1874. Marshal MacMahon had succeeded M. Thiers as +President of the Republic, and it was well known that the Marshal, +as well as the Royalist majority in the French Chamber, favoured +the restoration of the Bourbon Monarchy, represented by the Comte +de Chambord, as head of the elder branch. People of the type of M. +Ducros, and of the President of the Nyons Tribunal, viewed the +possible return of a Legitimist Bourbon Monarchy with the gravest +apprehension. Given the character of the Comte de Chambord, they +felt it would be a purely reactionary regime. Traditionally, the +elder branch of the Bourbons were incapable of learning anything, +and equally incapable of forgetting anything. These two shrewd +lawyers had both been vigorous opponents of the Bonapartist +regime, but they pinned their faith on the Orleans branch, +inexplicably enough to me, considering the treacherous record of +that family. They never could mention the name of a member of the +Orleans family without adding, "Ah! les braves gens!" the very +last epithet in the world I should have dreamed of applying to +them. All the negotiations with the Comte de Chambord fell +through, owing to his obstinacy (to which I have referred earlier) +in refusing to accept the Tricolor as the national flag. Possibly +pig-headed obstinacy; but in these days of undisguised +opportunism, it is rare to find a man who deliberately refuses a +throne on account of his convictions. I do not think that the +Comte de Chambord would have been a success in present-day British +politics. A crisis was averted by extending Marshal MacMahon's +tenure of the Presidency to seven years, the "Septennat," as it +was called. Before two years the Orleanists, who had always a keen +appreciation of the side on which their bread was buttered, +"rallied" to the Republic. I rather fancy that some question +connected with the return of the confiscated Orleans fortunes came +into play here. The adherents of the Comte de Chambord always +spoke of him as Henri V. For some reason (perhaps euphony) they +were invariably known as "Henri Quinquists." In the same way, the +French people speak of the Emperor Charles V. as "Charles Quint," +never as "Charles Cinq." + +My friends the Nyons lawyers were fond of alluding to themselves +as forming part of the bonne bourgeoisie. It is this bonne +bourgeoisie who form the backbone of France. Frugal, immensely +industrious, cultured, and with a very high standard of honour, +they are far removed from the frivolous, irresponsible types of +French people to be seen at smart watering-places, and they are +less dominated by that inordinate love of money which is an +unpleasant element in the national character, and obscures the +good qualities of the hard-working French peasants, making them +grasping and avaricious. + +It must be admitted that this class of the French bourgeoisie +surveys the world from rather a Chinese standpoint. The Celestial, +as is well known, considers all real civilisation confined to +China. Every one outside the bounds of the Middle Kingdom is a +barbarian. This is rather the view of the French bourgeois. He is +convinced that all true civilisation is centred in France, and +that other countries are only civilised in proportion as French +influence has filtered through to them. He will hardly admit that +other countries can have an art and literature of their own, +especially should neither of them conform to French standards. +This is easily understood, for the average Frenchman knows no +language but his own, has never travelled, and has no curiosity +whatever about countries outside France. When, in addition, it is +remembered how paramount French literary and artistic influence +was during the greater portion of the seventeenth and eighteenth +centuries, and how universal the use of the French language was in +Northern Continental Europe amongst educated people, the point of +view becomes quite intelligible. + +In spite of this, I enjoyed my excursions with these delightful +French lawyers quite enormously. The other pupils never +accompanied us, for they found it difficult to keep up a +conversation in French. + +The average intellectual level is unquestionably far higher in +France than in England, nor is it necessary to give, to a people +accustomed for generations to understand a demi-mot, the elaborate +explanations usually necessary in England when the conversation +has got beyond the mental standards of a child six years old. The +French, too, are not addicted to perpetual wool-gathering. Nor can +I conceive of a Frenchwoman endeavouring to make herself +attractive by representing herself as so hopelessly "vague" that +she can never be trusted to remember anything, or to avoid losing +all her personal possessions. Idiocy, whether genuine or feigned, +does not appeal to the French temperament. The would-be +fascinating lady would most certainly be referred to as "une dinde +de premiere classe." + +The French are the only thoroughly logical people in the world, +and their excessive development of the logical faculty leads them +at times into pitfalls. "Ils ont lesdefauts de leurs qualites." In +this country we have found out that systems, absolutely +indefensible in theory, at times work admirably well in practice, +and give excellent results. No Frenchman would ever admit that +anything unjustifiable in theory could possibly succeed in +practice--"Ce n'est pas logique," he would object, and there would +be the end of it. + +The Substitut informed me one day that he was making a "retreat" +for three days at the Monastery of La Trappe d'Aiguebelle, and +asked me if I would care to accompany him. To pass three days in a +Trappist Monastery certainly promised a novel experience, but I +pointed out that I was a Protestant, and that I could hardly +expect the monks to welcome me with open arms. He answered that he +would explain matters, and that the difference of religion would +be overlooked. So off we started, and after an interminable drive +reached a huge, gaunt pile of buildings in very arid surroundings. +The "Hospice" where visitors were lodged stood apart from the +Monastery proper, the Chapel lying in between. It was explained to +me that I must observe the rule of absolute silence within the +building, and that I would be expected to be in bed by 8.15 p.m. +and to rise at 5 a.m. like the rest of the guests. It was further +conveyed to me that they hoped that I would see my way to attend +Chapel at 5.30 a.m., afterwards I should be free for the remainder +of the day. Talking and smoking were both permitted in the garden. +I was given a microscopic whitewashed cell, most beautifully +clean, containing a very small bed, one chair, a gas-jet, a prie- +Dieu, a real human skull, and nothing else whatever. We went to +dinner in a great arched refectory, where a monk, perched up in a +high pulpit, read us Thomas a Kempis in a droning monotone. +Complete silence was observed. At La Trappe no meat or butter is +ever used, but we were given a most excellent dinner of vegetable +soup, fish, omelets, and artichokes dressed with oil, accompanied +by the monks' admirable home-grown wine. There were quite a number +of visitors making "retreats," and I had hard work keeping the +muscles of my face steady, as they made pantomimic signs to the +lay-brothers who waited on us, for more omelet or more wine. After +dinner the "Frere Hospitalier," a jolly, rotund little lay- +brother, who wore a black stole over his brown habit as a sign +that he was allowed to talk, drew me on one side in the garden. As +I was a heretic (he put it more politely) and had the day to +myself, would I do him a favour? He was hard put to it to find +enough fish for all these guests; would I catch him some trout in +the streams in the forest? I asked for nothing better, but I had +no trout-rod with me. He produced a rod, SUCH a trout-rod! A long +bamboo with a piece of string tied to it! To fish for trout with a +worm was contrary to every tradition in which I had been reared, +but adaptability is a great thing, so with two turns of a spade I +got enough worms for the afternoon, and started off. The Foret +d'Aiguebelle is not a forest in our acceptation of the term, but +an endless series of little bare rocky hills, dotted with pines, +and fragrant with tufts of wild lavender, thyme and rosemary. It +was intersected with two rushing, beautifully clear streams. I +cannot conceive where all the water comes from in that arid land. +In sun-baked Nyons, water could be got anywhere by driving a +tunnel into the parched hillsides, when sooner or later an +abundant spring would be tapped. These French trout were either +ridiculously unsophisticated, or else very weary of life: they +simply asked to be caught. I got quite a heavy basket, to the +great joy of the "Frere Hospitalier," and I got far more next day. +Though we had to rise at five, we got no breakfast till eight, and +a very curious breakfast it was. Every guest had a yard of bread, +and two saucers placed in front of him; one containing honey, the +other shelled walnuts. We dipped the walnuts in the honey, and ate +them with the bread, and excellent they were. In the place of +coffee, which was forbidden, we had hot milk boiled with borage to +flavour it, quite a pleasant beverage. The washing arrangements +being primitive, I waited until every one was safely occupied in +Chapel for an hour and a half, and then had a swim in the +reservoir which supplied the monastery with water, and can only +trust that I did not dirty it much. I was greatly disappointed +with the singing in the severe, unadorned Chapel; it was +plainsong, without any organ or instrument. The effect of so great +a body of voices might have been imposing had not the intonation +(as kindly critics say at times of a debutante) been a little +uncertain. As Trappists never speak, one could understand their +losing their voices, but it seems curious that they should have +lost their ears as well, though possibly it was only the visitors +who sang so terribly out of tune. + +I was taken all over the Monastery next day by the "Pere +Hospitalier," who, like his brown-frocked lay-brother, wore a +black stole over his white habit, as a badge of office. With the +exception of the fine cloisters, there were no architectural +features whatever about the squat, massive pile of buildings. The +modern chapel, studiously severe in its details, bore the +unmistakable imprint of Viollet-le-Duc's soulless, mathematically +correct Gothic. Personally, I think that Viollet-le-Duc spoiled +every ancient building in France which he "restored." I was taken +into the refectory to see the monks' dinners already laid out for +them. They consisted of nothing but bread and salad, but with such +vast quantities of each! Each monk had a yard-long loaf of bread, +a bottle of wine and an absolute stable-bucket of salad, liberally +dressed with oil and vinegar. The oil supplied the fat necessary +for nutrition, still it was a meagre enough dinner for men who had +been up since 3 a.m. and had done two hours' hard work in the +vegetable gardens. The "Pere Hospitalier" told me that not one +scrap of bread or lettuce would be left at the conclusion of the +repast. The immense austerity of the place impressed me very much. +The monks all slept on plank-beds, but they were not allowed to +remain on these hard resting-places after 3 a.m. Their "Rule" was +certainly a very severe one. I was told that the monks prepared +Tincture of Arnica for medicinal purposes in an adjoining factory, +arnica growing wild everywhere in the Forest, and that the sums +realised by the sale of this drug added materially to their +revenues. + +Next day both the Substitut and I were to be received by the +Abbot. It struck me as desirable that we should have our +interviews separately, for as the Substitut was making a +"retreat," he might wish to say many private things to the Abbot +which he would not like me, a heretic, to overhear. As soon as he +had finished, I was ushered in alone to the Abbot's parlour. I +found the Abbot very dignified and very friendly, but what +possible subject of conversation could a Protestant youth of +seventeen find which would interest the Father Superior of a +French Monastery, presumably indifferent to everything that passed +outside its walls? Suddenly I had an inspiration: the Arian +Heresy! We had had four lessons on this interesting topic at +Chittenden's five years earlier (surely rather an advanced subject +for little boys of twelve!), and some of the details still stuck +in my head. A brilliant idea! Soon we were at it hammer and tongs; +discussing Arius, Alexander, and Athanasius; the Council of +Nicaea, Hosius of Cordova, homo-ousion and homoi-ousion; Eusebius +of Nicomedia, and his namesake of Caesarea. + +Without intending any disrespect to these two eminent Fathers of +the Church, the two Eusebius' always reminded me irresistibly of +the two Ajaxes of Offenbach's opera-bouffe. La Belle Helene, or, +later on, of the "Two Macs" of the music-hall stage of the +"nineties." I blessed Mr. Chittenden for having so thoughtfully +provided me with conversational small-change suitable for Abbots. +The Abbot was, I think, a little surprised at my theological lore. +He asked me where I had acquired it, and when I told him that it +was at school, he presumed that I had been at a seminary for +youths destined for the priesthood, an idea which would have +greatly shocked the ultra-Evangelical Mr. Chittenden. + +I was very glad that I had passed those three days at La Trappe, +for it gave one a glimpse into a wholly unsuspected world. The +impression of the tremendous severity with which the lives of the +monks were regulated, remained with me. The excellent monks made +the most absurdly small charges for our board and lodging. Years +afterwards I spent a night in an Orthodox Monastery in Russia, +when I regretfully recalled the scrupulous cleanliness of La +Trappe. Never have I shared a couch with so many uninvited guests, +and never have I been so ruthlessly devoured as in that Russian +Monastery. + +With June at Nyons, silkworm time arrived. Three old women, +celebrated for their skill in rearing silkworms, came down from +the mountains, and the magnanerie, as lofts devoted to silkworm +culture are called, was filled with huge trays fashioned with +reeds. The old women had a very strenuous fortnight or so, for +silkworms demand immense care and attention. The trays have to be +perpetually cleaned out, and all stale mulberry leaves removed, +for the quality and quantity of the silk depend on the most +scrupulous cleanliness. To preserve an even temperature, charcoal +fires were lighted in the magnanerie, until the little black +caterpillars, having transformed themselves into repulsive flabby +white worms, these worms became obsessed with the desire to +increase the world's supply of silk, and to gratify them, twigs +were placed in the trays for them to spin their cocoons on. The +cocoons spun, they were all picked off, and baked in the public +ovens of the town, in order to kill the chrysalis inside. Nothing +prettier can be imagined than the streets of Nyons, with white +sheets laid in front of every house, each sheet heaped high with +glittering, shimmering, gleaming piles of silk-cocoons, varying +in shade from palest straw-colour to deep orange. If pleasant to +the eye, they were less grateful to the nose, for freshly baked +cocoons have the most offensive odour. The silk-buyers from Lyons +then made their appearance, and these shining heaps of gold thread +were transformed into a more portable form of gold, which found +its way into the pockets of the inhabitants. + +The peculiarly French capacity for taking infinite pains, of which +a good example is this silkworm culture, has its drawbacks, when +carried into administrative work. My friend M. David, the post- +master of Nyons, showed me his official instructions. They formed +a volume as big as a family Bible. It would have taken years to +learn all these regulations. The simplest operations were made +enormously complicated. Let any one compare the time required for +registering a letter or a parcel in England, with the time a +similar operation in France will demand. M. David showed me the +lithographed sheet giving the special forms of numerals, 1, 2, 3, +and so on, which French postal officials are required to make. +These differ widely from the forms in general use. + +I have my own suspicions that similar sheets are issued to the +cashiers in French restaurants. Personally, I can never read one +single item in the bill, much less the cost, and I can only gaze +in hopeless bewilderment at the long-tailed hieroglyphics, +recalling a backward child's first attempts at "pot-hooks." + +The infinite capacity of the French for taking trouble, and their +minute attention to detail, tend towards unnecessary complications +of simple matters. Thus, on English railways we find two main +types of signals sufficient for our wants, whereas on French lines +there are five different main types of signal. On English lines we +have two secondary signals, against eight in France, all differing +widely in shape and appearance. Again, on a French locomotive the +driver has far more combinations at his command for efficient +working under varying conditions, than is the case in England. The +trend of the national mind is towards complicating details rather +than simplifying them. + +Delightful as was the winter climate of Nyons, that sun-scorched +little cup amongst the hills became a place of positive torment as +the summer advanced. The heat was absolutely unendurable. Day and +night, thousands of cicades (the cigales of the French) kept up +their incessant "dzig, dzig, dzig," a sound very familiar to those +who have sojourned in the tropics. Has Nature given this singular +insect the power of dispensing with sleep? What possible object +can it hope to attain by keeping up this incessant din? If a love- +song, surely the most optimistic cicada must realise that his +amorous strains can never reach the ears of his lady-love, since +hundreds of his brethren are all keeping up the same perpetual +purposeless chirping, which must obviously drown any individual +effort. Have the cicadas a double dose of gaiete francaise in +their composition, and is this their manner of expressing it? Are +they, like some young men we know, always yearning to turn night +into day? All these are, and will remain, unsolved problems? + +As I found the summer heat of Nyons unbearable, I went back to +England for a holiday, and, on the morning of my departure, +climbed some olive trees and captured fourteen live cicadas, whom +I imprisoned in a perforated cardboard box, and took back to +London with me. Twelve of them survived the journey, and as soon +as I had arrived, I carefully placed the cicadas on the boughs of +the trees in our garden in Green Street, Grosvenor Square. +Conceive the surprise of these travelled insects at finding +themselves on the soot-laden branches of a grimy London tree! The +dauntless little creatures at once recommenced their "dzig, dzig, +dzig," in their novel environment, and kept it up uninterruptedly +for twenty-four hours, in spite of the lack of appreciation of my +family, who complained that their night's rest had been seriously +interfered with by the unaccustomed noise. Next evening the +cicadas were silent. Possibly they had been choked with soot, or +had fallen a prey to London cats; but my own theory is that they +succumbed to the after-effects of a rough Channel passage, to +which, of course, they would not have been accustomed. Anyhow, for +the first time in the history of the world, the purlieus of +Grosvenor Square rang with the shrill chirping of cicadas for +twenty-four hours on end. + +Six months later I regretfully bid farewell to Nyons, and went +direct from there to Germany. After studying the Teutonic tongue +for two and a half years at Harrow I was master of just two words +in it, ja and nein, so unquestionably there were gaps to fill up. + +I was excedingly sorry to leave the delightful Ducros family who +had treated me so kindly, and I owe a deep debt of gratitude to +comely Mme. Ducros for the careful way in which she taught me +history. In teaching history she used what I may call the synoptic +method, taking periods of fifty years, and explaining +contemporaneous events in France, Italy, Germany, and England +during that period. + +With the exception of one friendly visit to the Ducros, I have +never seen pleasant Nyons again. Of late years I have often +meditated a pilgrimage to that sunny little cup in the Dauphine +hills, but have hesitated owing to one of the sad penalties +advancing years bring with them; every single one of my friends, +man or woman, must have passed away long since. I can see Nyons, +with its encircling fringe of blue hills, just as vividly, +perhaps, with my inner eyes as I could if it lay actually before +me, and now I can still people it with the noisy, gesticulating +inhabitants whom I knew and liked so much. + +I may add that in Southern French style Nyons is pronounced +"Nyonsse," just as Carpentras is termed "Carpentrasse." + + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +Brunswick--Its beauty--High level of culture--The Brunswick +Theatre--Its excellence--Gas vs. electricity--Primitive theatre +toilets--Operatic stars in private life--Some operas unknown in +London--Dramatic incidents in them--Levasseur's parody of +"Robert"--Some curious details about operas--Two fiery old Pan- +Germans--Influence of the teaching profession on modern Germany-- +The "French and English Clubs"--A meeting of the "English Club"-- +Some reflections about English reluctance to learn foreign tongues +--Mental attitude of non-Prussians in 1875--Concerning various +beers--A German sportsman--The silent, quinine-loving youth--The +Harz Mountains--A "Kettle-drive" for hares--Dialects of German-- +The odious "Kaffee-Klatsch"--Universal gossip--Hamburg's +overpowering hospitality--Hamburg's attitude towards Britain--The +city itself--Trip to British Heligoland--The island--Some +peculiarities--Migrating birds--Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse--Lady +Maxse--The Heligoland Theatre--Winter in Heligoland. + +BRUNSWICK had been selected for me as a suitable spot in which to +learn German, and to Brunswick I accordingly went. As I was then +eighteen years old, I did not care to go to a regular tutor's, but +wished to live in a German family, where I was convinced I could +pick up the language in far shorter time. I was exceedingly +fortunate in this respect. A well-to-do Managing Director of some +jute-spinning mills had recently built himself a large house. Mr. +Spiegelberg found not only that his new house was unnecessarily +big for his family, but he also discovered that it had cost him a +great deal more than he had anticipated. He was quite willing, +therefore, to enter into an arrangement for our mutual benefit. + +Brunswick is one of the most beautiful old towns in Europe, Its +narrow, winding streets are (or, perhaps, were) lined with +fifteenth and sixteenth century timbered houses, each storey +projecting some two feet further over the street than the one +immediately below it, and these wooden house-fronts were one mass +of the most beautiful and elaborate carving. Imagine Staples Inn +in Holborn double its present height, and with every structural +detail chiselled with patient care into intricate patterns of +fruit and foliage, and you will get some idea of a Brunswick +street. The town contained four or five splendid old churches, and +their mediaeval builders had taken advantage of the dead-flat, +featureless plain in which Brunswick stands, to erect such lofty +towers as only the architects in the Low Countries ever devised; +towers which served as landmarks for miles around, their soaring +height silhouetted against the pale northern sky. The irregular +streets and open places contained one or two gems of Renaissance +architecture, such as the stone-built Town Hall and "Guild House," +both very similar in character to buildings of the same date in +sleepy old Flemish towns. The many gushing fountains of mediaeval +bronze and iron-work in the streets added to the extraordinary +picturesqueness of the place. It was like a scene from an opera in +real life. It always puzzled me to think how the water for these +fountains can have been provided on that dead-flat plain in pre- +steam days. There must have been pumps of some sort. Before 1914, +tens of thousands of tourists visited Nuremberg annually, but the +guide-books are almost silent about Brunswick, which is fully as +picturesque. + +The standard of material comfort appeared far higher in Brunswick +than in a French provincial town. The manner in which the +Spiegelbergs' house was fitted up seemed very elaborate after the +simple appointments of the Ducros' farm-house, though nothing in +the world would have induced me to own one single object that this +Teutonic residence contained. The Spiegelbergs treated me +extremely kindly, and I was fortunate in being quartered on such +agreeable people. + +At Nyons there was not one single bookseller, but Brunswick +bristled with book-shops, and, in addition, there were two of +those most excellent lending libraries to be found in every German +town. Here almost every book ever published in German or English +was to be found, as well as a few very cautiously selected French +ones, for German parents were careful then as to what their +daughters read. + +The great resource of Brunswick was the theatre, such a theatre as +does not exist in any French provincial town, and such a theatre +as has never even been dreamed of in any British town. It was +fully as large as Drury Lane, and was subsidised by the State. I +really believe that every opera ever written was given here, and +given quite admirably. In this town of 60,000 inhabitants, in +addition to the opera company, there was a fine dramatic company, +as well as a light opera company, and a corps de ballet. Sunday, +Tuesday and Saturday were devoted to grand opera, Monday to +classical drama (Schiller or Shakespeare), Wednesday to modern +comedy, Friday to light opera or farce. The bill was constantly +changing, and every new piece produced in Berlin or Vienna was +duly presented to the Brunswick public. There are certainly some +things we can learn from Germany! The mounting of the operas was +most excellent, and I have never seen better lighting effects than +on the Brunswick stage, and this, too, was all done by gas, +incandescent electric light not then being dreamed of even. I had +imagined in my simplicity that effects were far easier to produce +on the modern stage since the introduction of electric light. Sir +Johnston Forbes-Robertson, than whom there can be no greater +authority, tells me that this is not so. To my surprise, he +declares that electric light is too crude and white, and that it +destroys all illusion. He informs me that it is impossible to +obtain a convincing moonlight effect with electricity, or to give +a sense of atmosphere. Gas-light was yellow, and colour-effects +were obtained by dropping thin screens of coloured silk over the +gas-battens in the flies. This diffused the light, which a crude +blue or red electric bulb does not do. Sir Johnston Forbes- +Robertson astonished me by telling me that Henry Irving always +refused to have electric light on the stage at the Lyceum, though +he had it in the auditorium. All those marvellous and complicated +effects, which old playgoers must well recollect in Irving's +Lyceum productions, were obtained with gas. I remember the lovely +sunset, with its after-glow fading slowly into night, in the +garden scene of the Lyceum version of Faust, and this was all done +with gas. The factor of safety is another matter. With rows of +flaming gas-battens in the flies, however carefully screened off, +and another row of "gas lengths" in the wings, and flaring +"ground-rows" in close proximity to highly inflammable painted +canvas, the inevitable destiny of a gas-lit theatre is only a +question of time. The London theatres of the "sixties" all had a +smell of mingled gas and orange-peel, which I thought delicious. + +Mr. Spiegelberg most sensibly suggested that as I was absolutely +ignorant of German, the easiest manner in which I could accustom +my ears to the sound of the language would be to take an +abonnement at the theatre, and to go there nightly. So for the +modest sum of thirty shillings per month, I found myself entitled +to a stall in the second row, with the right of seeing thirty +performances a month. I went every night to the theatre, and there +was no monotony about it, for the same performance was never +repeated twice in one month. I have seen, I think, every opera +ever written, and every single one of Shakespeare's tragedies. A +curious trait in the German character is petty vindictiveness. A +certain Herr Behrens had signed a contract as principal bass with +the Brunswick management. Getting a far more lucrative offer from +Vienna, the prudent Behrens had paid a fine, and thrown over the +Brunswick theatre. For eighteen months the unfortunate man was +pilloried every night on the theatre programmes. Every play-bill +had printed on it in large letters, "Kontrakt-bruchig Herr +Behrens," never allowing the audience to forget that poor Behrens +was a convicted "contract-breaker." + +Half Brunswick went to the theatre every night of its life. The +ladies made no pretence of elaborate toilets, but contented +themselves with putting two tacks into the necks of their day +gowns so as to make a V-shaped opening. (With present fashions +this would not be necessary.) Over this they placed one of those +appalling little arrangements of imitation lace and blue or pink +bows, to be seen in the shop windows of every German town, and +known, I think, as Theater-Garnitures. They then drew on a pair of +dark plum-coloured gloves, and their toilet was complete. The +contrast between the handsome white-and-gold theatre and the rows +of portly, dowdy matrons, each one with her ample bosom swathed in +a piece of antimacassar, was very comical. Every abonne had his +own peg for hanging his coat and hat on, and this, and the fact +that one's neighbours in the stalls were invariably the same, gave +quite a family atmosphere to the Brunswick theatre. + +The conductor was Franz Abt the composer, and the musical standard +of the operatic performances was very high indeed. The mounting +was always excellent, but going to the theatre night after night, +some of the scenery became very familiar. There was a certain +Gothic hall which seemed to share the mobile facilities of +Aladdin's palace. This hall was ubiquitous, whether the action of +the piece lay in Germany, Italy, France, or England, Mary Queen of +Scots sobbed in this hall; Wallenstein in Schiller's tragedy +ranted in it; Rigoletto reproved his flighty daughter in it. It +seemed curious that personages so widely different should all have +selected the same firm of upholsterers to fit up their sanctums. + +The Spiegelbergs had many friends in the theatrical world, and I +was immensely thrilled one evening at learning that after the +performance of Lohengrin, Elsa and the Knight of the Swan were +coming home to supper with us. When Elsa appeared on the balcony +in the second act, and the moon most obligingly immediately +appeared to light up her ethereal white draperies, I was much +excited at reflecting that in two hours' time I might be handing +this lovely maiden the mustard, and it seemed hardly credible that +the resplendent Lohengrin would so soon abandon his swan in favour +of the homely goose that was awaiting him at the Spiegelbergs', +although the latter would enjoy the advantage of being roasted. + +I was on the tip-toe of expectation until the singers arrived. +Fraulein Scheuerlein, the soprano, was fat, fair, and forty, all +of them perhaps on the liberal side. As she burst into the room, +the first words I heard from the romantic Elsa, whom I had last +seen sobbing over her matrimonial difficulties, were: "Dear Frau +Spiegelberg, my..." (Elsa here used a blunt dissyllable to +indicate her receptacle for food) "is hanging positively crooked +with hunger. Quick! For the love of Heaven, some bread and butter +and sausage, or I shall faint;" so the first words the heroine of +the evening addressed to me were somewhat blurred owing to her +mouth being full of sausage, which destroyed most of the glamour +of the situation. Hedwig Scheuerlein was a big, jolly, cheery +South-German, and she was a consummate artist in spite of her +large appetite, as was the tenor Schrotter too. Schrotter was a +fair-bearded giant, who was certainly well equipped physically for +playing "heroic" parts. He had one of those penetrating virile +German tenor voices that appeal to me. These good-natured artists +would sing us anything we wanted, but it was from them that I +first got an inkling of those petty jealousies that are such a +disagreeable feature of the theatrical world in every country. +Buxom Scheuerlein was a very good sort, and I used to feel +immensely elated at receiving in my stall a friendly nod over the +footlights from Isolde, Aida, Marguerite, or Lucia, as the case +might be. + +I wonder why none of Meyerbeer's operas are ever given in London. +The "books," being by Scribe, are all very dramatic, and lend +themselves to great spectacular display; Meyerbeer's music is +always melodious, and has a certain obvious character about it +that would appeal to an average London audience. This is +particularly true with regard to the Prophete. The Coronation +scene can be made as gorgeous as a Drury Lane pantomime, and the +finale of the opera is thrilling, though the three Anabaptists are +frankly terrible bores. As given at Brunswick, in the last scene +the Prophet, John of Leyden, is discovered at supper with some +boon companions in rather doubtful female society. In the middle +of his drinking-song the palace is blown up. There is a loud +crash; the stage grows dark; hall, supper-table, and revellers all +disappear; and the curtain comes down slowly on moonlight shining +over some ruins, and the open country beyond. A splendid climax! +Again, the third act of Robert le Diable is magnificently +dramatic. Bertram, the Evil One in person, leads Robert to a +deserted convent whose nuns, having broken the most important of +their vows, have all been put to death. The curtain goes up on the +dim cloisters of the convent, the cloister-garth, visible through +the Gothic arches of the arcade, bathed in bright moonlight +beyond. Bertram begins his incantations, recalling the erring nuns +from the dead. Very slowly the tombs in the cloister open, and dim +grey figures, barely visible in the darkness, creep silently out +from the graves. Bertram waves his arms over the cloister-garth, +and there, too, the tombs gape apart, and more shadowy spectres +emerge. Soon the stage is full of these faint grey spectral forms. +Bertram lifts his arms. The wicked nuns throw off their grey +wrappers, and appear glittering in scarlet and gold; the stage +blazes with light, and the ballet, the famous "Pas de +Fascination," begins. When really well done, this scene is +tremendously impressive. + +I once heard in Paris, Levasseur, the French counterpart of our +own Corney Grain, giving a skit on Robert le Diable, illustrating +various stage conventions. Levasseur, seated at his piano, and +keeping up an incessant ripple of melody, talked something like +this, in French, of course:-- + +"The stage represents Isabelle's bedroom. As is usual with stage +bedrooms, Isabelle's bower is about the size of an average +cathedral. It is very sparsely furnished, but near the footlights +is a large gilt couch, on which Isabelle is lying fast asleep. +Robert enters on tip-toe very very gently, so as not to disturb +his beloved, and sings in a voice that you could hear two miles +off, 'Isa-belle!' dropping a full octave on the last note. +Isabelle half awakes, and murmurs, 'I do believe I heard +something. I feel so nervous!' Robert advances a yard, and sings +again, if anything rather louder, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says: +'Really, my nerves do play me such tricks! I can't help fancying +that there is some one in the room, and I am so terribly afraid of +burglars. Perhaps it is only a mouse.' Robert advances right up to +Isabelle's bed, and shouts for the third time in a voice that +makes the chandelier ring again, 'Isa-belle!' Isabelle says, 'I +don't think that I can have imagined that. There really is some +one in the room. I'm terribly frightened, and don't quite know +what to do,' so she gets out of bed, and anxiously scans the +stalls and boxes over the footlights for signs of an intruder. +Finding no one there but the audience, she then searches the +gallery fruitlessly, and getting a sudden inspiration, she looks +behind her, and, to her immense astonishment, finds her lover +standing within a foot of her." This, as told with Levasseur's +inimitable drollery, was excruciatingly funny. + +Robert is an expensive opera to put on, for, owing to hideous +jealousies at the Paris Opera, Meyerbeer was compelled to write +two prima-donna parts which afforded the rival ladies exactly +equal opportunities. In the same way Halevy, the composer of La +Juive, had to re-arrange and transpose his score, for Adolphe +Nourrit, the great Paris tenor, in 1835, when the opera was first +produced, was jealous of the splendid part the bass had been +given, the tenor's role being quite insignificant. So it came +about that La Juive is the only opera in which the grey-bearded +old father is played by the principal tenor, whilst the lover is +the light tenor. Mehul's Biblical Joseph and his Brethren is the +one opera in which there are no female characters, though +"Benjamin" is played by the leading soprano. In both the Prophete +and Favorita the contralto plays the principal part, the soprano +having a very subsidiary role. Meyerbeer wrote the part of the +Prophet himself specially for Roger, the great tenor, and that of +"Fides" for Mme. Viardot. By the way, the famous skating scene in +the Prophete was part of the original production in Paris of 1849, +and yet we think roller-skating an invention of yesterday. + +I had German lessons from a Professor Hentze. This old man was the +first example of a militant German that I had come across. He was +always talking of Germany's inevitable and splendid destiny. +Although a Hanoverian by birth, he was a passionate admirer of +Bismarck and Bismarck's policy, and was a furious Pan-German in +sentiment. "Where the German tongue is heard, there will be the +German Fatherland," he was fond of quoting in the original. As he +declared that both Dutch and Flemish were but variants of Low +German, he included Holland and Belgium in the Greater Germany of +the future, as well as the German-speaking Cantons of Switzerland, +and Upper and Lower Austria. Mentally, he possibly included a +certain island lying between the North Sea and the Atlantic as +well, though, out of regard for my feelings, he never mentioned +it. Hentze taught English and French in half a dozen boys' and +girls' schools in Brunswick, and his brother taught history in the +"Gymnasium." These two mild-mannered be-spectacled old bachelors, +who in their leisure moments took snuff and played with their +poodle, were tremendous fire-eaters. They were both enormously +proud of the exploits of a cousin of theirs who, under the guise +of a harmless commercial traveller in wines, had been engaged in +spying and map-making for five years in Eastern France prior to +1870. It was, they averred (no doubt truthfully enough), owing to +the labours of their cousin and of countless others like him, that +the Franco-Prussian War of 1870-71 had been such an overwhelming +success for Germany. Where German interests were concerned, these +two old brothers could see nothing under a white light. And +remember that they were teachers and trainers of youth; it was +they who had the moulding of the minds of the young generation. I +think that any one who knows Germany well will agree with me that +it is the influence of the teaching class, whether in school or +university, that has transformed the German mentality so greatly +during the last forty years. These two mild-mannered old Hentzes +must have infected scores and hundreds of lads with their own +aggressively militant views. By perpetually holding up to them +their own dream of a Germany covering half Europe, they must have +transmitted some of their own enthusiasm to their pupils, and +underlying that enthusiasm was a tacit assumption that the end +justified any means; that provided the goal were attained, the +manner in which it had been arrived at was a matter of quite +secondary importance. I maintain that the damnable spirit of modern +Germany is mainly due to the teaching profession, and to the +doctrines it consistently instilled into German youth. + +The Hentzes took in eight resident German pupils who attended the +various schools in the town, mostly sons of wealthy Hamburg +business-people. Hentze was always urging me to associate more +with these lads, three of whom were of my own age, but I could +discover no common ground whatever on which to meet them. The +things that interested me did not appeal to them, and vice versa. +They seemed to me dull youths, heavy alike in mind and body. From +lack of sufficient fresh air and exercise they had all dull eyes, +and flabby, white faces that quivered like blancmanges when they +walked. In addition, they obstinately refused to talk German with +me, looking on me as affording an excellent opportunity for +obtaining a gratuitous lesson in English. One of Hentze's pupils +was a great contrast, physically, to the rest, for he was very +spare and thin, and seldom opened his mouth. I was to see a great +deal of this silent, slim lad later on. + +Mr. Spiegelberg was a prominent member of the so-called English +and French Club in Brunswick. This was not in the least what its +name would seem to indicate; the members of the Club were not +bursting with overwhelming love for our language and institutions, +nor were they consumed with enthusiastic admiration for French art +and literature. They were merely some fifteen very practical +Brunswick commercial men, who, realising that a good working +knowledge of English and French would prove extremely useful to +them in their business relations, met at each other's houses in +rotation on one night a week during the winter months, when the +host of the evening provided copious supplies of wine, beer and +cigars. For one hour and a half the members of the Club had to +talk English or French as the case might be, under a penalty of a +fine of one thaler (three shillings) for every lapse into their +native German. Mr. Spiegelberg informed me that I had been elected +an honorary member of the English and French Club, which flattered +my vanity enormously at the time. In the light of more mature +experience I quite understand that the presence of a youth to whom +knotty points in both languages could be submitted would be a +considerable asset to the Club, but I then attributed my election +solely to my engaging personality. These Club evenings amused me +enormously, though incidentally they resulted in my acquiring a +precocious love of strong, rank Hamburg cigars. Let us imagine +fifteen portly, be-spectacled, middle-aged or elderly men seated +around a table groaning under a collection of bottles of all +shapes and sizes, addressing each other in laboured inverted +English. The German love of titles is a matter of common +knowledge. All these business men had honorific appellations which +they translated into English and introduced scrupulously into +every sentence. The conversation was something like this: + +"But, Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways, I do not think that you +understand rightly what Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg says. Mr. +Factory Director also spins jute. To make concurrenz with Dundee +in Schottland, he must produce cheaply. To produce cheaply he must +become...no, obtain new machinery from Leeds in England. If that +machinery is duty-payable, Mr. Factory Director cannot produce so +cheaply. That seems to me clear. Once our German industries +established are, then we will see. That is another matter." + +"I take the liberty to differ, Mr. Councillor of Commerce. How +then shall our German industries flourish, if they not protected +be? What for a doctrine is that? Mr. Factory Director Spiegelberg +thinks only of jute. Outside jute, the German world of commerce is +greater, and with in-the-near-future-to-be-given railways +facilities, vast and imposing shortly shall be." + +"What Mr. Councillor of Commerce just has said, is true. You, Mr. +Over-Inspector of Railways, and also you, Mr. Ducal Supervisor of +Forests, are not merchants like us, but much-skilled specialists; +so is the point of view different, Mr. Town Councillor Balhorn, +you have given us most brilliant beer to-night. This is no beer of +here, it must be real Munich. It tastes famous. Prosit!" + +"I thank you, Mr. Court Councillor. In the place, gentlemen, of +with-anger-discussing Free Trade, let us all drink some Munich +beer. Discussion is good, but beer with content is better." + +Now I put it to you--could any one picture fifteen English +business men in Manchester, Liverpool, or Leeds doing anything so +sensible as to meet once a week amongst themselves, to acquire +proficiency and fluency in French, Spanish, or German, all of +which languages they must presumably require at times for the +purposes of their business. Every one knows that it is +unthinkable. No Englishman could be bothered to take the trouble. +Why is it that English people have this extraordinary reluctance +to learn any foreign language? It is certainly not from want of +natural ability to do so, though this natural aptitude may be +discounted by the difficulty most English people experience in +keeping their minds concentrated. I venture to assert +unhesitatingly that, with the exception of Dutch and Russian +people, English folk learn foreign languages with greater ease +than any other nationality. This is notably true with regard to +Russian and Spanish. The English throat is more flexible than that +of the Frenchman or German, and, with the one exception of French, +there are no unwonted sounds in any European language that an +Englishman cannot reproduce fairly accurately. We have something +like the hard Russian "l" in the last syllable of "impossible," +and to the Scottish or Irish throat the Dutch hard initial +guttural, and the Spanish soft guttural offer but little +difficulty. "Jorje," which looks like "George" spelt phonetically, +but is pronounced so very differently, can easily be mastered, and +that real teaser "gracht," the Dutch for "canal," with a strong +guttural at either end of it, eomes easily out of a Scottish +throat. The power to acquire these tongues is there, but the +inclination is woefully lacking. + +Some ten years ago I went out to Panama to have a look at the +canal works. On board the mail-steamer there were twelve +commercial travellers representing British firms, bound for the +West Coast of South America. Ten of these twelve were Germans, all +speaking English and Spanish fluently in addition to their native +German. The other two were English, not knowing one word of any +language but their own. I had a long talk with these two +Englishmen, and asked them whether they were familiar with the +varying monetary standards of the countries they were going to +visit; for the nominal dollar represents a widely different value +in each South American State. No, they knew nothing whatever about +this, and were quite ignorant of Spanish-American weights and +measures. Now what possible object did the firms sending out these +ill-equipped representatives hope to attain? Could they in their +wildest moments have supposed that they would get one single order +through their agency? And how came it about that these young men +were so ignorant of the language and customs of the countries they +were proposing to travel? During the voyage I noticed the German +travellers constantly conversing with South Americans from the +Pacific Coast, in an endeavour to improve their working knowledge +of Spanish; meanwhile the young Englishmen played deck-quoits and +talked English. That in itself is quite sufficiently +characteristic. In Manchester there is a firm who do a large +business in manufacturing brightly coloured horse-trappings for +the South American market. I speak with some confidence about +this, for I have myself watched those trappings being made. Most +of the "ponchos" used in the Argentine are woven in Glasgow. Why +is it that in these two great industrial centres no one seems to +have thought of establishing a special class in any of the +numerous schools and colleges for training youths as commercial +travellers in foreign countries? They would have, in addition to +learning two or three languages, to get used to making quick +calculations in dollars and cents, and in dollars of very varying +values; they would also have to learn to THINK quickly in weights +and measures different to those to which they had been accustomed. +Why should British firms be compelled to use German travellers, +owing to the ineptitude of their own countrymen? The power to +learn is there; it is only the will that is lacking, and in +justice I must add, perhaps the necessary facilities. People who +do not mind taking trouble will always in the end get a pull over +people who hate all trouble. I think that our present King once +cried, "Buck up, England!" and his Majesty spoke true; very few +things can be done in this world without taking a little trouble. + +To return, after this long digression, to the portly German +middle-aged business men who met weekly in Brunswick to improve +their working knowledge of French and English, I must candidly say +that I never detected the faintest shadow of animosity to Great +Britain in them. They were not Prussians--they were Hanoverians +and Brunswickers. They felt proud, I think, that the throne of +Britain was then occupied by a branch of their own ancient House +of Guelph; they remembered the hundred years' connection between +Britain and Hanover; as business men they acknowledged Britain's +then unquestioned industrial supremacy, and they recognised that +men of their class enjoyed in England a position and a power which +was not accorded to them in Germany. Certainly they never lost an +opportunity of pointing out that Britain was neither a military +nor a fighting nation, and would never venture again to conduct a +campaign on the Continent. Recent events will show how correct +they were in their forecasts. + +I liked the society of these shrewd, practical men, for from being +so much with the French judges, I had become accustomed to +associating with men double or treble my own age. There was +nothing corresponding to the gaiete francaise about them, though +at times a ponderous playfulness marked their lighter moments, and +flashes of elephantine jocularity enlivened the proceedings of the +Club. I picked up some useful items of knowledge from them, for I +regret to admit that up to that time I had no idea what a bill of +lading was, or a ship's manifest; after a while, even such cryptic +expressions, too, as f.o.b. and c.i.f. ceased to have any +mysteries for me. Let the inexperienced beware of "Swedish Punch," +a sickly, highly-scented preparation of arrack. I do not speak +from personal experience, for I detest the sweet, cloying stuff; +but it occasionally fell to my lot to guide down-stairs the +uncertain footsteps of some ventripotent Kommerzien-Rath, or even +of Mr. Over-Inspector of Railways himself, both temporarily +incapacitated by injudicious indulgence in Swedish Punch. "So, +Herr Ober-Inspector, endlich sind wir glucklich herunter gekommen. +Jetz konnen Sie nach Hause immer aug gleichem Fusse gehen. +Naturlich! Jedermann weisst wie abscheulich kraftig Schwedischer +Punsch ist. Die Strasse ist ganz leer. Gluckliche Heimkehr, Herr +Ober-Inspector!" + +It was difficult to attend the Club without becoming a connoisseur +in various kinds of German beer. Brunswick boasts a special local +sweet black beer, brewed from malted wheat instead of barley, +known as "Mumme"--heavy, unpalatable stuff. If any one will take +the trouble to consult Whitaker's Almanac, and turn to "Customs +Tariff of the United Kingdom," they will find the very first +article on the list is "Mum." "Berlin white beer" follows this. +One of the few occasions when I have ever known Mr. Gladstone +nonplussed for an answer, was in a debate on the Budget (I think +in 1886) on a proposed increase of excise duties. Mr. Gladstone +was asked what "Mum" was, and confessed that he had not the +smallest idea. The opportunity for instructing the omniscient Mr. +Gladstone seemed such a unique one, that I nearly jumped up in my +place to tell him that it was a sweet black beer brewed from +wheat, and peculiar to Brunswick; but being a very young Member of +the House then, I refrained, as it looked too much like self- +advertisement; besides, "Mum" was so obviously the word. "White +beer" is only made in Berlin; it is not unlike our ginger-beer, +and is pleasant enough. The orthodox way of ordering it in Berlin +is to ask the waiter for "eine kuhle Blonde." I do not suppose +that one drop of either of these beverages has been imported into +the United Kingdom for a hundred years; equally I imagine that the +first two Georges loved them as recalling their beloved Hanover, +and indulged freely in them; whence their place in our Customs +tariff. + +One of the members of the English and French Club was a Mr. +Vieweg, at that time, I believe, the largest manufacturer of +sulphate of quinine in Europe. Mr. Vieweg was that rara avis +amongst middle-class German business-men, a born sportsman. He had +already made two sporting trips to Central Africa after big game, +and rented a large shooting estate near Brunswick. In common with +the other members of the Club, he treated me very kindly and +hospitably, and I often had quaint repasts at his house, beginning +with sweet chocolate soup, and continuing with eels stewed in +beer, carp with horseradish, "sour-goose," and other Teutonic +delicacies. Mr. Vieweg's son was one of Hentze's pupils, and was +the thin, silent boy I have already noticed. I remember well how +young Vieweg introduced himself to me in laboured English, "Are +you a friend to fishing with the fly?" he asked. "I also fish most +gladly, and if you wish, we will together to the Harz Mountains +go, and there many trout catch." As the Harz Mountains are within +an hour of Brunswick by train, off we went, and young Vieweg was +certainly a most expert fisherman. My respect for him was +increased enormously when I found that he did not mind in the +least how wet he got whilst fishing. Most German boys of his age +would have thought standing in cold water up to their knees a +certain forerunner of immediate death. + +Vieweg told me, with perfect justice, that he knew every path and +every track in the Northern Harz, and that he had climbed every +single hill. He complained that none of his German friends cared +for climbing or walking, and asked whether I would accompany him +on one of his expeditions. So a week later we went again to the +Harz, and Vieweg led me an interminable and very rough walk up- +hill and down-dale. He afterwards confessed that he was trying to +tire me out, in which he failed signally, for I have always been, +and am still, able to walk very long distances without fatigue. He +had taken four of his fellow-pupils from Hentze's over the same +road, and they had all collapsed, and had to be driven back to the +railway in a hay-cart, in the last stages of exhaustion. Finding +that he could not walk me down, Vieweg developed an odd sort of +liking for me, just as I had admired him for standing up to his +knees in very cold water for a couple of hours on end whilst +fishing. So a queer sort of friendship sprang up between me and +this taciturn youth. The only subject which moved Vieweg to +eloquence was quinine, out of which his father had made his +fortune. I confess that at that time I knew no more about that +admirable prophylactic than the Queen of Sheba knew about dry-fly +fishing, and had not the faintest idea of how quinine was made. +Vieweg, warming to his subject, explained to me that the cinchona +bark was treated with lime and alcohol, and informed me that his +father now obtained the bark from Java instead of from South +America as formerly. He did his utmost to endeavour to kindle a +little enthusiasm in me on the subject of this valuable febrifuge. +When not talking of quinine, he kept silence. This singular youth +was obsessed with a passionate devotion to the lucrative drug. + +The Harz Mountains are pretty without being grand. The far-famed +Brocken is not 4000 ft. high, but rising as these hills do out of +the dead-flat North German plain, the Harz have been glorified and +magnified by a people accustomed to monotonous levels, and are the +setting for innumerable German legends. The Brocken is, of course, +the traditional scene of the "Witches Sabbath" on Walpurgis-Nacht, +and many of the rock-strewn valleys seem to have pleasant +traditions of bloodthirsty ogres and gnomes associated with them. +There is no real climbing in the Harz, easy tracks lead to all the +local lions. As is customary in methodical Germany, signposts +direct the pedestrian to every view and every waterfall, and I +need hardly add that if one post indicates the Aussichtspunkt, a +corresponding one will show the way to the restaurant without +which no view in Germany would be complete. Through rocky defiles +and pine-woods, over swelling hills and past waterfalls, Vieweg +and I trudged once a week in sociable silence, broken only by a +few scraps of information from my companion as to the prospects of +that year's crop of cinchona bark, and the varying wholesale price +of that interesting commodity. At times, before a fine view, +Vieweg would make quite a long speech for him: "Du Fritz! Schon +was?" using, of course, the German diminutive to my Christian +name, after which he would gaze on the prospect and relapse into +silence, and dreamy meditations on sulphate of quinine and its +possibilities. + +I think Vieweg enjoyed these excursions, for on returning to +Brunswick after about four hours' un-broken silence, he would +always say on parting, "Du Fritz! War nicht so ubel;" or, "Fritz, +it wasn't so bad," very high praise from so sparing a talker. + +Mr. Vieweg senior invited me to shoot with him on several +occasions during the winter months. The "Kettle-drive" (Kessel- +Treib) is the local manner of shooting hares. Guns and beaters +form themselves into an immense circle, a mile in diameter, over +the treeless, hedgeless flats, and all advance slowly towards the +centre of the circle. At first, it is perfectly safe to fire into +the circle, but as it diminishes in size, a horn is sounded, the +guns face round, back to back, and as the beaters advance alone, +hares are only killed as they run out of the ring. Hares are very +plentiful in North Germany, and "Kettle-drives" usually resulted +in a bag of from thirty to forty of them. To my surprise, in the +patches of oak-scrub on the moor-lands, there were usually some +woodcock, a bird which I had hitherto associated only with +Ireland. Young Vieweg was an excellent shot; in common with all +his father's other guests, he was arrayed in high boots, and in +one of those grey-green suits faced with dark green, dear to the +heart of the German sportsman. The guns all looked like the chorus +in the Freischutz, and I expected them to break at any moment into +the "Huntsmen's Chorus." Young Vieweg was greatly pained at my +unorthodox costume, for I wore ordinary homespun knickerbockers, +and sported neither a green Tyrolese hat with a blackcock's tail +in it, nor high boots; my gun had no green sling attached to it, +nor did I carry a game-bag covered with green tassels, all of +which, it appeared, were absolutely essential concomitants to a +Jagd-Partie. + +In these country districts round Brunswick nothing but Low German +("Platt-Deutsch") was talked. Low German is curiously like English +at times. The sentence, "the water is deep," is identical in both +tongues. "Mudder," "brudder," and "sister" have all a familiar +ring about them, too. The word "watershed," as applied to the +ridge separating two river systems, had always puzzled me. In High +German it is "Wasser-scheide," i.e. water-parting; in Low German +it is "Water-shed," with the same meaning, thus making our own +term perfectly clear. "Low" German, of course, only means the +dialect spoken in the low-lying North German plains: "High" +German, the language spoken in the hilly country south of the Harz +Mountains. High German only became the literary language of the +country owing to Luther having deliberately chosen that dialect +for the translation of the Bible. The Nibelungen-Lied and the +poems of the twelfth and thirteenth centuries were all in Middle- +High German (Mittel-Hoch Deutsch). + +I remember being told as a boy, when standing on the terrace of +Windsor Castle, that in a straight line due east of us there was +no such corresponding an elevation until the Ural Mountains were +reached, on the boundary between Europe and Asia. This will give +some idea of the extreme flatness of Northern Europe, for the +terrace at Windsor can hardly be called a commanding eminence. + +I am sorry to say that for over forty years I have quite lost +sight of Vieweg. My connection with quinine, too, has been usually +quite involuntary. I have had two very serious bouts of malarial +fever, one in South America, the other in the West Indies, and on +both occasions I owed my life to quinine. Whilst taking this +bitter, if beneficent drug, I sometimes wondered whether it had +been prepared under the auspices of the friend of my youth. So +ignorant am I of the quinine world, that I do not know whether the +firm of Buchler & Vieweg still exists. One thing I do know: Vieweg +must be now sixty-three years old, should he be still alive, and I +am convinced that he remains an upright and honourable gentleman. +I would also venture a surmise that business competitors find it +very hard to overreach him, and that he has escaped the garrulous +tendencies of old age. + +One of the curses of German towns is the prevalence of malicious +and venomous gossip. This is almost entirely due to that pestilent +institution the "Coffee Circle," or Kaffee Klatsch, that standing +feature of German provincial life. Amongst the bourgeoisie, the +ladies form associations, and meet once a week in turn at each +others' houses. They bring their work with them, and sit for two +hours, eating sweet cakes, drinking coffee, and tearing every +reputation in the towns to tatters. All males are jealously +excluded from these gatherings. Mrs. Spiegelberg was a pretty, +fluffy little English woman, without one ounce of malice in her +composition. She had lived long enough in Germany, though, to know +that she would not be welcomed at her "Coffee Circle" unless she +brought her budget of pungent gossip with her, so she collected it +in the usual way. The instant the cook returned from market, Mrs. +Spiegelberg would rush into the kitchen with a breathless, "Na, +Minna, was gibt's neues?" or "Now, Minna, what is the news?" +Minna, the cook, knowing what was expected of her, proceeded to +unfold her items of carefully gathered gossip: Lieutenant von +Trinksekt had lost three hundred marks at cards, and had been +unable to pay; it was rumored that Fraulein Unsittlich's six +weeks' retirement from the world was not due to an attack of +scarlet fever, as was alleged, but to a more interesting cause, +and so on, and so on. The same thing was happening, +simultaneously, in every kitchen in Brunswick, and at the next +"Coffee Circle" all these rumours would be put into circulation +and magnified, and the worst possible interpretation would be +given them. All German women love spying, as is testified by those +little external mirrors fixed outside almost every German window, +by which the mistress of the house can herself remain unseen, +whilst noting every one who passes down the street, or goes into +the houses on either side. I speak with some bitterness of the +poisonous tongues of these women, for I cannot forget how a +harmless episode, when I happened to meet a charming friend of +mine, and volunteered to carry her parcels home, was distorted and +perverted. + +One of Hentze's pupils, a heavy, bovine youth, invited me to +Hamburg to his parents' silver wedding festivities. I was anxious +to see Hamburg, so I accepted. Moser's parents inhabited an +opulent and unimaginably hideous villa on the outskirts of +Hamburg. They treated me most hospitably and kindly, but never had +I pictured such vast eatings and drinkings as took place in their +house. Moser's other relations were equally hospitable, until I +became stupid and comatose from excessive nourishment. I could not +discover the faintest trace of hostility to England amongst these +wealthy Hamburg merchants. They had nearly all traditional +business connections with England, and most of them had commenced +their commercial careers in London. They resented, on the other +hand, the manner in which they were looked down on by the Prussian +Junkers, who, on the ground of their having no "von" before their +names, tried to exclude them from every branch of the public +service. The whole of Germany had not yet become Prussianised. + +These Hamburg men were intensely proud of their city. They +boasted, and I believe with perfect reason, that the dock and +harbour facilities of Hamburg far exceeded anything to be found in +the United Kingdom. I was taken all over the docks, and treated +indeed with such lavish hospitality that every seam of my garments +strained under the unwonted pressure of these enormous repasts. +Hamburg being a Free Port, travellers leaving for any other part +of Germany had to undergo a regular Customs examination at the +railway station, as though it were a frontier post. Hamburg +impressed me as a vastly prosperous, handsome, well-kept town. The +attractive feature of the place is the "Alster Bassin," the clear, +fresh-water lake running into the very heart of the town. All the +best houses and hotels were built on the stone quays of the Alster +facing the lake. Geneva, Stockholm, and Copenhagen are the only +other European towns I know of with clear lakes running into the +middle of the city. The Moser family's silver wedding festivities +did not err on the side of niggardliness. The guests all assembled +in full evening dress at three in the afternoon, when there was a +conjuring and magic-lantern performance for the children. This was +followed by an excellent concert, which in its turn was succeeded +by a vast and Gargantuan dinner. Then came an elaborate display of +fireworks, after which dancing continued till 4 a.m., only +interrupted by a second colossal meal, thus affording, as young +Moser proudly pointed out, thirteen hours' uninterrupted +amusement. + +As I felt certain that I should promptly succumb to apoplexy, had +I to devour any more food, I left next day for Heligoland, then, +of course, still a British Colony, an island I had always had the +greatest curiosity to see. A longer stay in Hamburg might have +broadened my mind, but it would also unquestionably have broadened +my waist-belt as well. + +The steamer accomplished the journey from Hamburg in seven hours, +the last three over the angry waters of the open North Sea. To my +surprise the steamer, though island-owned, did not fly the British +red ensign, but the Heligoland flag of horizontal bars of white, +green, and red. There is a local quatrain explaining these +colours, which may be roughly Englished as-- + + "White is the strand, + But green the land, + Red the rocks stand + Round Heligoland." + +Heligoland is the quaintest little spot imaginable, shaped like an +isosceles triangle with the apex pointing northwards. The area of +the whole island is only three-fourths of a square mile; it is +barely a mile long, and at its widest only 500 yards broad. It is +divided into Underland and Overland; the former a patch of shore +on the sheltered side of the island, covered with the neatest +little toy streets and houses. In its neatness and smallness it is +rather like a Japanese town, and has its little theatre and its +little Kurhaus complete. There are actually a few trees in the +Underland. Above it, the red ramparts of rock rise like a wall to +the Overland, only to be reached by an endless flight of steps. On +the green tableland of the Overland, the houses nestle and huddle +together for shelter on the leeward side of the island, the +prevailing winds being westerly. The whole population let +lodgings, simply appointed, but beautifully neat and clean, as one +would expect amongst a seafaring population. There are a few +patches of cabbages and potatoes trying to grow in spite of the +gales, and all the rest is green turf. There is not one tree on +the wind-swept Overland. I heard nothing but German and Frisian +talked around me, and the only signs of British occupation were +the Union Jack flying in front of Government House (surely the +most modest edifice ever dignified with that title), and a notice- +board in front of the powder-magazine on the northern point of the +island. This notice-board was inscribed, "V.R. Trespassers will be +prosecuted," which at once gave a homelike feeling, and made one +realise that it was British soil on which one was standing. + +The island had only been ceded to us in 1814, and we handed it +over to Germany in 1890, so our tenure was too brief for us to +have struck root deeply into the soil. Heligoland was a splendid +recruiting ground for the Royal Navy, for the islanders were a +hardy race of seafarers, and made ideal material for bluejackets. +There was not a horse or cow on the island, ewes supplying all the +milk. As sheep's milk has an unappetising green tinge about it, it +took a day or two to get used to this unfamiliar-looking fluid. +There being no fresh water on Heligoland, the rain water from the +roofs was all caught and stored in tanks. On that rainswept rock I +cannot conceive it likely that the water supply would ever fail. +Some-how the idea was prevalent in England that Heligoland was +undermined by rabbits. There was not one single rabbit on the +island, for even rabbits find it hard to burrow into solid rock. + +Professor Gatke's books on the migrations of birds are well known. +Heligoland lies in the track of migrating birds, and Dr. Gatke had +established himself there for some years to observe them, and +there was a really wonderful ornithological museum close to the +lighthouse. The Heligoland lighthouse is a very powerful one, and +every single one of these stuffed birds had committed suicide +against the thick glass of the lantern. The lighthouse keepers +told me that during the migratory periods, they sometimes found as +many as a hundred dead birds on the external gallery of the light +in the morning, all of whom had killed themselves against the +light. + +From 1830 to 1871 there were public gaming-tables in Heligoland, +and the Concessionaire paid such a high price for his permit that +the colonial finances were in the most flourishing condition. In +1871, Downing Street stopped this, with disastrous effect on the +island budget. Fortunately, Germans took to coming over in vast +numbers for the excellent sea-bathing, and so money began to flow +in again. The place attracted them with its glorious sea air; it +had all the advantages of a ship, without the ship's motion. + +I paid a second visit to Heligoland three years later, when I was +Attache at our Berlin Embassy. Sir Fitzhardinge Maxse, the uncle +of Mr. Leo Maxse of the National Review, was Governor then. Sir +Fitzhardinge had done his utmost to anglicise the island, and the +"Konigstrasse" and "Oststrasse" had now become "King Street" and +"East Street." He had induced, too, some of the shop-keepers to +write the signs over their shops in English, at times with +somewhat eccentric spelling; for one individual proclaimed himself +a "Familie Grozer." How astonished the Governor and I would have +been to know that in twenty years' time his much-loved island +would be transformed into one solid concreted German fortress! Sir +Fitzhardinge had a great love for the theatre. He was, I believe, +the only person who had ever tried to write plays in two +languages. His German plays had been very successful, and two one- +act plays he wrote in English had been produced on the London +stage. He always managed to engage a good German company to play +in the little Heligoland theatre during the summer months, and +having married the leading tragic actress of the Austrian stage, +both he and Lady Maxse occasionally appeared on the boards +themselves, playing, of course, in German. It looked curious +seeing a bill of the "Theatre Royal on Heligoland," announcing +Shakespeare's tragedy of Macbeth, with "His Excellency the +Governor as Macbeth, and Lady Maxse as Lady Macbeth." + +There is a fine old Lutheran Church on Heligoland. It is the only +Protestant church in which I have ever seen ex votos. When the +island fishermen had weathered an unusually severe gale, it was +their custom to make a model of their craft, and to present it as +a thank-offering to the church. There were dozens of these models, +all beautifully finished, suspended from the roof of the church by +wires, and the fronts of the galleries were all hung with fishing +nets. The singing in that church was remarkably good. + +It was a pleasant, unsophisticated little island; a place of fresh +breezes, and red cliffs with great sweeping surges breaking +against them; a place of sunshine, and huge expanses of pale +dappled sky. + +Lady Maxse told me that it was impossible for any one to picture +the unutterable dreariness of Heligoland in winter; when little +Government House rocked ceaselessly under the fierce gales, and +the whole island was drenched in clouds of spindrift; the rain +pounding on the window-panes like small-shot, and the howling of +the wind drowning all other sounds. She said that they were +frequently cut off from the mainland for three weeks on end, +without either letters, newspapers, or fresh meat, as the steamers +were unable to make the passage. There was nothing to do, nowhere +to go, and no one to speak to. It must have been a considerable +change for any one accustomed to the life of careless, easy-going, +glittering Vienna in the old days. Even Sir Fitzhardinge confessed +that during the winter gales he had frequently to make his way on +all fours from the stairs from the Underland to Government House, +to avoid being blown over the cliffs. Lady Maxse hung an extra +pair of pink muslin curtains over every window in Government +House, to shut out the sight of the wintry sea, but the angry, +grey and white rollers of the restless North Sea asserted +themselves even through the pink muslin. + +I am glad that I saw this wind-swept little rock whilst it was +still a scrap of British territory. When my time came for leaving +Brunswick, I was genuinely sorry to go. I confess that I liked +Germany and the Germans; I had been extremely well treated, and +had got used to German ways. + +The teaching profession were only then sowing broadcast the seed +which was to come to maturity thirty years later. They were +moulding the minds of the rising generation to the ideals which +find their most candid exponent in Nietzsche. The seed was sown, +but had not yet germinated; the greater portion of Germany in 1875 +was still un-Prussianised, but effect followed cause, and we all +know the rest. + + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +Some London beauties of the "seventies"--Great ladies--The +Victorian girl--Votaries of the Gaiety Theatre--Two witty ladies-- +Two clever girls and mock-Shakespeare--The family who talked +Johnsonian English--Old-fashioned tricks of pronunciation-- +Practical jokes--Lord Charles Beresford and the old Club-member-- +The shoe-less legislator--Travellers' palms--The tree that spouted +wine--Celyon's spicy breezes--Some reflections--Decline of public +interest in Parliament--Parliamentary giants--Gladstone, John +Bright, and Chamberlain--Gladstone's last speech--His resignation +--W.H. Smith--The Assistant Whips--Sir William Hart-Dyke--Weary +hours at Westminster--A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay. + + The London of 1876 boasted an extraordinary constellation of +lovely women. First and foremost came the two peerless Moncreiffe +sisters, Georgiana Lady Dudley, and Helen Lady Forbes. Lady Dudley +was then a radiant apparition, and her sister, the most perfect +example of classical beauty I have ever seen, had features as +clean-cut as those of a cameo. Lady Forbes always wore her hair +simply parted in the middle, a thing that not one woman in a +thousand can afford to do, and glorious auburn hair it was, with a +natural ripple in it. I have seldom seen a head so perfectly +placed on the shoulders as that of Lady Forbes. The Dowager Lady +Ormonde and the late Lady Ripon were then still unmarried; the +first, Lady Leila Grosvenor, with the face of a Raphael Madonna, +the other, Lady Gladys Herbert, a splendid, slender, Juno-like +young goddess. The rather cruelly named "professional beauties" +had just come into prominence, the three great rivals being Mrs. +Langtry, then fresh from Jersey, Mrs. Cornwallis West, and Mrs. +Wheeler. Unlike most people, I should myself have given the prize +to the second of these ladies. I do not think that any one now +could occupy the commanding position in London which Constance +Duchess of Westminster and the Duchess of Manchester (afterwards +Duchess of Devonshire) then held. In fact, with skirts to the +knee, and an unending expanse of stocking below them, it would be +difficult to assume the dignity with which these great ladies, in +their flowing Victorian draperies, swept into a room. The stately +Dutchess of Westminster, in spite of her massive outline, had +still a fine classical head, and the Duchess of Manchester was one +of the handsomest women in Europe. London society was so much +smaller then, that it was a sort of enlarged family party, and I, +having six married sisters, found myself with unnumbered hosts of +relations and connections. I retain delightful recollections of +the mid-Victorian girl. These maidens, in their airy clouds of +white, pink, or green tulle, and their untouched faces, had a +deliciously fresh, flower-like look which is wholly lacking in +their sisters of to-day. A young girl's charm is her freshness, +and if she persists in coating her face with powder and rouge that +freshness vanishes, and one sees merely rows of vapid little doll- +like faces, all absolutely alike, and all equally artificial and +devoid of expression. These present skimpy draperies cause one to +reflect that Nature has not lavished broadcast the gift of good +feet and neat ankles; possibly some girls might lengthen their +skirts if they realised this truth. + +In the "seventies" there was a wonderful galaxy of talent at the +old Gaiety Theatre, Nellie Farren, Kate Vaughan, Edward Terry, and +Royce forming a matchless quartette. Young men, of course, will +always be foolish, up to the end of time. Nellie Farren, Kate +Vaughan and Emily Duncan all had their "colours." Nellie Farren's +were dark blue, light blue, and white; Kate Vaughan's were pink +and grey; Emily Duncan's black and white; the leading hosiers +"stocked" silk scarves of these colours, and we foolish young men +bought the colours of the lady we especially admired, and sat in +the stalls of the Gaiety flaunting the scarves of our favourite +round our necks. As I then thought, and still think, that Nellie +Farren was one of the daintiest and most graceful little creatures +ever seen on the stage, with a gaminerie all her own, I, in common +with many other youths, sat in the stalls of the Gaiety wrapped in +a blue-and-white scarf. Each lady showered smiles over the +footlights at her avowed admirers, whilst contemptuously ignoring +those who sported her rival's colours. One silly youth, to testify +to his admiration for Emily Duncan, actually had white kid gloves +with black fingers, specially manufactured for him. He was, we +hope, repaid for his outlay by extra smiles from his enchantress. + +Traces of the witty early nineteenth century still lingered into +the "seventies," "eighties," and "nineties." Lady Constance +Leslie, who is still living, and the late Lady Cork were almost +the last descendants of the brilliant wits of Sydney Smith and +Theodore Hook's days. The hurry of modern life, and the tendency +of the age to scratch the surface of things only, are not +favourable to the development of this type of keen intellect, +which was based on a thorough knowledge of the English classics, +and on such a high level of culture as modern trouble-hating women +could but seldom hope to attain. Time and time again I have asked +Lady Cork for the origin of some quotation. She invariably gave it +me at once, usually quoting some lines of the context at the same +time. When I complimented her on her wonderful knowledge of +English literature of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, +she answered, "In my young days we studied the 'Belles Lettres'; +modern women only study 'Belle's Letters,'" an allusion to a +weekly summary of social events then appearing in the World under +that title, a chronicle voraciously devoured by thousands of +women. When the early prejudice against railways was alluded to by +some one who recalled the storms of protest that the conveyance of +the Duke of Sussex's body by train to Windsor for burial provoked, +as being derogatory to the dignity of a Royal Duke, it was Lady +Cork who rapped out, "I presume in those days, a novel apposition +of the quick and the dead." A certain peer was remarkable alike +for his extreme parsimony and his unusual plainness of face. His +wife shared these characteristics, both facial and temperamental, +to the full, and yet this childless, unprepossessing and eminently +economical couple were absolutely wrapped up in one another; after +his death she only lingered on for three months. Some one +commenting on this, said, "They were certainly the stingiest and +probably the ugliest couple in England, yet their devotion to each +other was very beautiful. They could neither of them bear to part +with anything, not even with each other. After his death she was +like a watch that had lost its mainspring." "Surely," flashed Lady +Constance Leslie, "more like a vessel which had lost her auxiliary +screw." The main characteristic of both Lady Cork and Lady +Constance Leslie's humour was its lightning speed. It is +superfluous to add, with these quick-witted ladies it was never +necessary to EXPLAIN anything, as it is to the majority of English +people; they understood before you had finished saying it. + +Many years after, in the late "eighties," Lady Constance Leslie's +two elder daughters, now Mrs. Crawshay and Lady Hope, developed a +singular gift. They could improvise blank verse indefinitely, and +with their father, Sir John Leslie, they acted little mock +Shakespearean dramas in their ordinary clothes, and without any +scenery or accessories. Every word was impromptu, and yet the even +flow of blank verse never ceased. I always thought it a singularly +clever performance, for Mrs. Crawshay can only have been nineteen +then, and her sister eighteen. Mrs. Crawshay invariably played the +heroine, Lady Hope the confidante, and Sir John Leslie any male +part requisite. No matter what the subject given them might be, +they would start in blank verse at once. Let us suppose so +unpromising a subject as the collection of railway tickets outside +a London terminus had been selected. Lady Hope, with pleading +eyes, and all the conventional gestures of sympathy of a stage +confidante, would at once start apostrophising her sister in some +such fashion as this:-- + +"Fair Semolina, dry those radiant orbs; Thy swain doth beg thee +but a token small Of that great love which thou dost bear to him. +Prithee, sweet mistress, take now heart of grace, At times we all +credentials have to show, Eftsoons at Willesden halts the panting +train, Each traveller knows inexorable fate Hath trapped him in +her toils; loud rings the tread Of brass-bound despot as he wends +his way From door to door, claiming with gesture rude His pound of +flesh, or eke the pasteboard slip, Punched with much care, all +travel-worn and stained, For which perchance ten ducats have been +paid, Granting full access from some distant spot. Then trembles +he, who reckless loves to sip The joys of travel free of all +expense; Knowing the fate that will pursue him, when To stern +collector he hath naught to show." + +To which her sister, Mrs. Crawshay, would reply, without one +instant's hesitation, somewhat after this style:-- + + "Sweet Tapioca, firm and faithful friend, + Thy words have kindled in my guilty breast + Pangs of remorse; to thee I will confess. + Craving a journey to the salt sea waves + Before this moon had waxed her full, I stood + Crouching, and feigning infant's stature small + Before the wicket, whence the precious slips + Are issued, and declared my years but ten. + Thus did I falsely pretext tender age, + And claimed but half the wonted price, and now + Bitter remorse my stricken conscience sears, + And hot tears flow at my duplicity." + +The lines would probably have been more neatly worded than this, +but the flow of improvised blank verse from both sisters was +inexhaustible. The somewhat unusual names of Semolina and Tapioca +had been adopted for the heroine and confidante on account of +their rhythmical advantages, and a certain pleasant Shakespearean +ring about them. + +I know another family who from long practice have acquired the +habit of addressing each other in flowing periods of Johnsonian +English. They never hesitate for an epithet, and manage to round +off all their sentences in Dr. Johnson's best manner. I was +following the hounds on foot one day, with the eldest daughter of +this family, when, as we struggled through a particularly sticky +and heavy ploughed field, she panted out, "Pray let us hasten to +the summit of yonder commanding eminence, whence we can with +greater comfort to ourselves witness the further progress of the +chase," and all this without the tiniest hesitation; a most +enviable gift! A son of this family was once riding in the same +steeplechase as a nephew of mine. The youth had lost his cap, and +turning round in his saddle, he shouted to my nephew in the middle +of the race, between two fences, "You will perceive that I have +already sacrificed my cap, and laid it as a votive offering on the +altar of Diana." One would hardly have anticipated that a youthful +cavalry subaltern, in the middle of a steeplechase, would have +been able to lay his hands on such choice flowers of speech. +Unfortunately, owing to the time lost by these well-turned +periods, both the speaker and my nephew merely figured as "also +ran." + +In the "seventies" some of the curious tricks of pronunciation of +the eighteenth century still survived. My aunts, who had been born +with, or before the nineteenth century, invariably pronounced +"yellow" as "yaller." "Lilac" and "cucumber" became "laylock" and +"cowcumber," and a gold bracelet was referred to as a "goold +brasslet." They always spoke of "Proosia" and "Roosia," drank tea +out of a "chaney" cup, and the eldest of them was still "much +obleeged" for any little service rendered to her, played at +"cyards," and took a stroll in the "gyarden." My grandfather, who +was born in 1766, insisted to the end of his life on terming the +capital of these islands "Lunnon," in eighteenth-century fashion. + +Possibly people were more cultured in those days, or, at all +events, more in the habit of using their brains. Imbecility, +whether real or simulated, had not come into fashion. My mother +told me that in her young days a very favourite amusement in +country houses was to write imitations or parodies of some well- +known poet, and every one took part in this. Nowadays no one would +have read the originals, much less be able to imitate them. My +mother had a commonplace book into which she had copied the +cleverest of these skits, and Landseer illustrated it charmingly +in pen-and-ink for her. + +Any one reading the novels of the commencement of the nineteenth +century must have noticed how wonderfully popular practical jokes, +often of the crudest nature, then were. A brutal practical joke +always seems to me to indicate a very rudimentary and undeveloped +sense of humour in its perpetrator. Some people with paleolithic +intellects seem to think it exquisitely humorous to see a man fall +down and hurt himself. A practical joke which hurts no one is +another matter. All those privileged to enjoy the friendship of +the late Admiral Lord Charles Beresford will always treasure the +memory of that genial and delightful personality. About thirty +years ago an elderly gentleman named Bankes-Stanhope seemed to +imagine that he had some proprietary rights in the Carlton Club. +Mr. Bankes-Stanhope had his own chair, lamp, and table there, and +was exceedingly zealous in reminding members of the various rules +of the club. Smoking was strictly forbidden in the hall of the +Carlton at that time. I was standing in the hall one night when +Lord Charles came out of the writing-room, a big bundle of newly +written letters in his hand, and a large cigar in his mouth. He +had just received a shilling's-worth of stamps from the waiter, +when old Mr. Bankes-Stanhope, who habitually puffed and blew like +Mr. Jogglebury-Crowdey of "Sponge's Sporting Tour," noticed the +forbidden cigar through a glass door, and came puffing and blowing +into the hall in hot indignation. He reproved Lord Charles +Beresford for his breach of the club rules in, as I thought, quite +unnecessarily severe tones. The genial Admiral kept his temper, +but detached one penny stamp from his roll, licked it, and placed +it on his forefinger. "My dear Mr. Stanhope," he began, "it was a +little oversight of mine. I was writing in there, do you see?" (a +friendly little tap on Mr. Bankes-Stanhope's shirt-front, and on +went a penny stamp), "and I moved in here, you see" (another +friendly tap, and on went a second stamp), "and forgot about my +cigar, you see" (a third tap, and a third stamp left adhering). +The breezy Admiral kept up this conversation, punctuated with +little taps, each one of which left its crimson trace on the old +gentleman's white shirt-front, until the whole shilling's-worth +was placed in position. Mr. Bankes-Stanhope was too irate to +notice these little manoeuvres; he maintained his hectoring tone, +and never glanced down at his shirt-front. Finally Lord Charles +left, and the old gentleman, still puffing and blowing with wrath, +struggled into his overcoat, and went off to an official party at +Sir Michael Hicks-Beach's, where his appearance with twelve red +penny stamps adhering to his shirt-front must have created some +little astonishment. + +In the '86 Parliament there was a certain Member, sitting on the +Conservative side, who had the objectionable habit of removing his +boots (spring-sided ones, too!) in the House, and of sitting in a +pair of very dubious-coloured grey woollen socks, apparently much +in want of the laundress's attentions. Many Members strongly +objected to this practice, but the delinquent persisted in it, in +spite of protests. One night a brother of mine, knowing that there +would shortly be a Division, succeeded in purloining the offending +boots by covering them with his "Order paper," and got them safely +out of the House. He hid them behind some books in the Division +Lobby, and soon after the Division was called. The House emptied, +but the discalced legislator retained his seat. "A Division having +been called, the honourable Member will now withdraw," ordered Mr. +Speaker Peel, most awe-inspiring of men. "Mr. Speaker, I have lost +my boots," protested the shoeless one. "The honourable Member will +at once withdraw," ordered the Speaker for the second time, in his +sternest tones; so down the floor of the House came the +unfortunate man--hop, hop, hop, like the "little hare" in Shock- +headed Peter. The iron ventilating gratings were apparently +uncomfortable to shoeless feet, so he went hopping and limping +through the Division Lobby, affording ample glimpses of his +deplorably discoloured woollen footwear. Later in the evening an +attendant handed him a paper parcel containing his boots, the +attendant having, of course, no idea where the parcel had come +from. This incident effectually cured the offender of his +unpleasant habit. The accusation of neglecting his laundress may +have been an unfounded one. In my early youth I was given a book +to read about a tiresome little girl named Ellen Montgomery, who +apparently divided her time between reading her pocket-Bible and +indulging in paroxysms of tears. The only incident in the book I +remember is that this lachrymose child had an aunt, a Miss +Fortune, who objected on principle to clean stockings. She +accordingly dyed all Ellen's stockings dirt-colour, to save the +washing. It would be charitable to assume that this particular +Member of Parliament had an aunt with the same economical +instincts. + +I must plead guilty to two episodes where my sole desire was to +avoid disappointment to others, and to prevent the reality falling +short of the expectation. One was in India. Barrackpore, the +Viceroy of India's official country house, is justly celebrated +for its beautiful gardens. In these gardens every description of +tropical tree, shrub and flower grows luxuriantly. In a far-off +corner there is a splendid group of fan-bananas, otherwise known. +as the "Traveller's Palm." Owing to the habit of growth of this +tree, every drop of rain or dew that falls on its broad, fan- +shaped crown of leaves is caught, and runs down the grooved stalks +of the plant into receptacles that cunning Nature has fashioned +just where the stalk meets the trunk. Even in the driest weather, +these little natural tanks will, if gashed with a knife, yield +nearly a tumblerful of pure sweet water, whence the popular name +for the tree. A certain dull M.P., on his travels, had come down +to Barrackpore for Sunday, and inquired eagerly whether there were +any Travellers' Trees either in the park or the gardens there, as +he had heard of them, but had never yet seen one. We assured him +that in the cool of the evening we would show him quite a thicket +of Travellers' Trees. It occurred to the Viceroy's son and myself +that it would be a pity should the globe-trotting M.P.'s +expectations not be realised, after the long spell of drought we +had had. So the two of us went off and carefully filled up the +natural reservoirs of some six fan-bananas with fresh spring-water +till they were brimful. Suddenly we had a simultaneous +inspiration, and returning to the house we fetched two bottles of +light claret, which we poured carefully into the natural cisterns +of two more trees, which we marked. Late in the afternoon we +conducted the M.P. to the grove of Travellers' Trees, handed him a +glass, and made him gash the stem of one of them with his pen +knife. Thanks to our preparation, it gushed water like one of the +Trafalgar Square fountains, and the touring legislator was able to +satisfy himself that it was good drinking-water. He had previously +been making some inquiries about so-called "Palm-wine," which is +merely the fermented juice of the toddy-palm. We told him that +some Travellers' Palms produced this wine, and with a slight +exercise of ingenuity we induced him to tap one of the trees we +had doctored with claret. Naturally, a crimson liquid spouted into +his glass in response to the thrust of his pen-knife, and after +tasting it two or three times, he reluctantly admitted that its +flavour was not unlike that of red wine. It ought to have been, +considering that we had poured an entire bottle of good sound +claret into that tree. The ex-M.P. possibly reflects now on the +difficulties with which any attempts to introduce "Pussyfoot" +legislation into India would be confronted in a land where some +trees produce red wine spontaneously. + +On another occasion I was going by sea from Calcutta to Ceylon. On +board the steamer there were a number of Americans, principally +ladies, connected, I think, with some missionary undertaking. When +we got within about a hundred miles of Ceylon, these American +ladies all began repeating to each other the verse of the well- +known hymn: + + "What though the spicy breezes + Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle," + +over and over again, until I loathed Bishop Heber for having +written the lines. They even asked the captain how far out to sea +the spicy breezes would be perceptible. I suddenly got an idea, +and, going below, I obtained from the steward half a dozen nutmegs +and a handful of cinnamon. I grated the nutmegs and pounded the +cinnamon up, and then, with one hand full of each, I went on deck, +and walked slowly up and down in front of the American tourists. +Soon I heard an ecstatic cry, "My dear, I distinctly smelt spice +then!" Another turn, and another jubilant exclamation: "It's quite +true about the spicy breezes. I got a delicious whiff just then. +Who would have thought that they would have carried so far out to +sea?" A sceptical elderly gentleman was summoned from below, and +he, after a while, was reluctantly forced to avow that he, too, +had noticed the spicy fragrance. No wonder! when I had about a +quarter of a pound of grated nutmeg in one hand, and as much +pounded cinnamon in the other. Now these people will go on +declaring to the end of their lives that they smelt the spicy +odours of Ceylon a full hundred miles out at sea, just as the +travelling M.P. will assert that a tree in India produces a very +good imitation of red wine. It is a nice point determining how far +one is morally responsible oneself for the unconscious falsehoods +into which these people have been betrayed. I should like to have +had the advice of Mrs. Fairchild, of the Fairchild Family upon +this delicate question. I feel convinced that that estimable lady, +with her inexhaustible repertory of supplications, would instantly +have recited by heart "a prayer against the temptation to lead +others into uttering untruths unconsciously," which would have met +the situation adequately, for not once in the book, when appealed +to, did she fail to produce a lengthy and elaborately worded +petition, adapted to the most unexpected emergencies, and I feel +confident that her moral armoury would have included a prayer +against tendencies to "leg-pulling." + +To return to the London of the "seventies" and "eighties" after +this brief journey to the East, nothing is more noticeable than +the way public interest in Parliamentary proceedings has vanished. +When I was a boy, all five of the great London dailies, The Times, +Morning Post, Standard, Daily Telegraph, and Daily News, published +the fullest reports of Parliamentary news, and the big provincial +dailies followed their example. Every one then seemed to follow +the proceedings of Parliament with the utmost interest; even at +Harrow the elder boys read the Parliamentary news and discussed +it, and I have heard keen-witted Lancashire artisans eagerly +debating the previous night's Parliamentary encounters. Now the +most popular newspapers give the scantiest and baldest summaries +of proceedings in the House of Commons. It is an editor's business +to know the tastes of his readers; if Parliamentary reports are +reduced to a minimum, it must be because they no longer interest +the public. This, again, is quite intelligible. When I first +entered Parliament in 1885 (to which Parliament, by the way, all +four Hamilton brothers had been elected), there were commanding +personalities and great orators in the House: Mr. Gladstone, John +Bright, Joseph Chamberlain, Lord Hartington, Henry James and +Randolph Churchill. When any of these rose to speak, the House +filled at once, they were listened to with eager attention, and +every word they uttered would be read by hundreds of thousands of +people next day. Nowadays proceedings in Parliament seem to be +limited to a very occasional solo from the one star-performer, the +rest of the time being occupied by uninteresting interludes by his +understudies, all of which may serve to explain the decline in +public interest. At the time of the Peace of Paris in 1856, on the +termination of the Crimean War, there were in the House of Commons +such outstanding figures as Gladstone, Disraeli, Lord John +Russell, John Bright, and Palmerston; the statesman had not yet +dwindled into the lawyer-politician. + +I only heard Mr. Gladstone speak in his old age, when his voice +had acquired a slight roughness which detracted, I thought, from +his wonderful gift of oratory. Mr. Gladstone, too, had certain +peculiarities of pronunciation; he always spoke of +"constitootional" and of "noos." John Bright was a most impressive +speaker; he obtained his effects by the simplest means, for he +seldom used long words; indeed he was supposed to limit himself to +words of Saxon origin, with all their condensed vigour. Is not +Newman's hymn, "Lead, Kindly Light," considered to be a model of +English, as it is composed almost entirely of monosyllables, and, +with six exceptions, of words of Saxon origin? John Bright's +speaking had the same quality as Cardinal Newman's hymn. In spite +of his eloquence, John Bright's prophecies were invariably +falsified by subsequent events. I have never heard any one speak +with such facility as Joseph Chamberlain. His utterance was so +singularly clear that, though he habitually spoke in a very low +voice, every syllable penetrated to all parts of the House. When +Chamberlain was really in a dangerous mood, his voice became +ominously bland, and his manner quieter than ever. Then was the +time for his enemies to tremble. I heard him once roll out and +demolish a poor facile-tongued professional spouter so completely +and remorsely that the unfortunate man never dared to open his +mouth in the House of Commons again. I think that any old Member +of Parliament will agree with me when I place David Plunkett, +afterwards Lorth Rathmore, who represented for many years Trinity +College, Dublin, in the very front rank as an orator. Plunkett was +an indolent man, and spoke very rarely indeed. When really roused, +and on a subject which he had genuinely at heart, he could rise to +heights of splendid eloquence. Plunkett had a slight impediment in +his speech; when wound up, this impediment, so far from detracting +from, added to the effect he produced. I heard Mr. Gladstone's +last speech in Parliament, on March 1, 1894. It was frankly a +great disappointment. I sat then on the Opposition side, but we +Unionists had all assembled to cheer the old man who was to make +his farewell speech to the Assembly in which he had sat for sixty +years, and of which he had been so dominating and so unique a +personality, although we were bitterly opposed to him politically. +The tone of his speech made this difficult for us. Instead of +being a dignified farewell to the House, as we had anticipated, it +was querulous and personal, with a peevish and minatory note in it +that made anything but perfunctory applause from the Opposition +side very hard to produce. Two days afterwards, on March 3, 1894, +Mr. Gladstone resigned. In the light of recent revelations, we +know now that his failing eyesight was but a pretext. Lord +Spencer, then First Lord of the Admiralty, had framed his Naval +Estimates, and declared that the shipbuilding programme outlined +in those Estimates was absolutely necessary for the national +safety. Mr. Gladstone, supported by some of his colleagues, +refused to sanction these Estimates. Some long-headed Members of +the Cabinet saw clearly that if Lord Spencer insisted on his +Estimates, in the then temper of the country, the Liberal party +would go to certain defeat. Accordingly, Mr. Gladstone was induced +to resign, as the easiest way out of the difficulty. I do not +gather, though, that those of his colleagues who, with him, +disapproved of the Naval Estimates, thought it their duty to +follow their chief into retirement. + +I am amused on seeing on contents bills of news-papers, as a rare +item of news, "All-night sitting of Commons." + +In the 1886 Parliament practically every night was an all-night +sitting. Under the old rules of Procedure, as the Session +advanced, we were kept up night after night till 5 a.m. Some +Members, notably the late Henry Labouchere, took a sort of impish +delight in keeping the House sitting late. Many Front-Bench men +had their lives shortened by the strain these late hours imposed +on them, notably Edward Stanhope and Mr. W. H. Smith. Mr. W. H. +Smith occupied a very extraordinary position. This plain-faced +man, who could hardly string two words together, was regarded by +all his friends with deep respect, almost with affection. My +brother George has told me that, were there any disputes in the +Cabinet of which he was a member, the invariable advice of the +older men was to "go and take Smith's advice about it." Men +carried their private, domestic, and even financial troubles to +this wise counsellor, confident that the advice given would be +sound. Mr. Smith had none of the more ornamental qualities, but +his fund of common sense was inexhaustible, he never spared +himself in his friends' service, and his high sense of honour and +strength of character earned him the genuine regard of all those +who really knew him. He was a very fine specimen of the +unassuming, honourable, high-minded English gentleman. + +In the 1886 Parliament, Mr. Akers-Douglas, now Lord Chilston, was +Chief Conservative Whip and he was singularly fortunate in his +Assistant Whips. Sir William Walrond, now Lord Waleran, Sir +Herbert Maxwell, and the late Sidney Herbert, afterwards +fourteenth Earl of Pembroke, formed a wonderful trio, for Nature +had bestowed on each of them a singularly engaging personality. The +strain put on Members of the Opposition was very severe; our +constant attendance was demanded, and we spent practically our +whole lives in the precincts of the House. However much we longed +for a little relaxation and a little change, it was really +impossible to resist the blandishments of the Assistant Whips. +They made it a sort of personal appeal, and a test of personal +friendship to themselves, so grudgingly the contemplated visit to +the theatre was abandoned, and we resigned ourselves to six more +hours inside the over-familiar building. + +Sir William Hart-Dyke had been Chief Conservative Whip in the +1868-1873 Parliament. He married in May 1870, in the middle of the +session at a very critical political period. He most unselfishly +consented to forego his honeymoon, or to postpone it, and there +were rumours that on the very evening of his wedding-day, his +sense of duty had been so strong that he had appeared in the House +of Commons to "tell" in an important Division. When Disraeli was +asked if this were true, he shook his head, and said, "I hardly +think so. Hart-Dyke was married that day. Hart-Dyke is a +gentleman; he would never kiss AND 'tell.'" As a pendant to this, +there was another Sir William, a baronet whose name I will +suppress. With execrable taste, he was fond of boasting by name of +his amatory successes. He was always known as "William Tell." + +In 1886 the long hours in the House of Commons hung very heavily +on our hands, once the always voluminous daily correspondence of +an M.P. had been disposed of. My youngest brother and I, both then +well under thirty, used to hire tricycles from the dining-room +attendants, and have races up and down the long river terrace, +much to the interest of passers-by on Westminster Bridge. We +projected, to pass the time, a "Soulful Song-Cycle," which was +frankly to be an attempt at pulling the public's leg. Our Song- +Cycle never matured, though I did write the first one of the +series, an imaginative effort entitled "In Listless Frenzy." It +was, and was intended to be, utter nonsense, devoid alike of +grammar and meaning. I quoted my "Listless Frenzy" one night to an +"intense" and gushing lady, as an example of the pitiable rubbish +decadent minor poets were then turning out. It began-- + + "Crimson wreaths of passionless flowers + Down in the golden glen; + Silvery sheen of autumnal showers; + When, my beloved one, when?" + +She assured me that the fault lay in myself, not in the lines; +that I was of too material a temperament to appreciate the subtle +beauty of so-and-so's work. I forget to whom I had attributed the +verses, but I felt quite depressed at reflecting that I was too +material to understand the lines I had myself written. + +My brother was a great admirer of the Ingoldsby Legends, and could +himself handle Richard Barham's fascinating metre very +effectively. He was meditating "A Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay," dealing +with leading personalities in the then House of Commons. The idea +came to nothing, as an "Ingoldsby Legend" must, from its very +essence, be cast in a narrative form, and the subject did not lend +itself to narrative. Although it has nothing to do with the +subject in hand, I must quote some lines from "The Raid of +Carlisle," another "Pseudo-Ingoldsbean Lay" of my brother's, to +show how easily he could use Barham's metre, with its ear-tickling +double rhyme, and how thoroughly he had assimilated the spirit of +the Ingoldsby Legends. The extracts are from an account of an +incident which occurred in 1596 when Lord Scroop was Warden of the +Western or English Marches on behalf of Elizabeth, while +Buccleuch, on the Scottish side, was Warden of the Middle Marches +on behalf of James VI. + + "Now, I'd better explain, while I'm still in the vein, + That towards the close of Elizabeth's reign, + Though the 'thistle and rose' were no longer at blows, + They'd a way of disturbing each other's repose. + A mode of proceeding most clearly exceeding + The rules of decorum, and palpably needing + Some clear understanding between the two nations, + By which to adjust their unhappy relations. + With this object in view, it occurred to Buccleuch + That a great deal of mutual good would accrue + If they settled that he and Lord Scroop's nominee + Should meet once a year, and between them agree + To arbitrate all controversial cases + And grant an award on an equable basis. + A brilliant idea that promised to be a + Corrective, if not a complete panacea-- + For it really appears that for several years, + These fines of 'poll'd Angus' and Galloway steers + Did greatly conduce, during seasons of truce, + To abating traditional forms of abuse, + And to giving the roues of Border society + Some little sense of domestic propriety. + + So finding himself, so to speak, up a tree, + And unable to think of a neat repartee, + He wisely concluded (as Brian Boru did, + On seeing his 'illigant counthry' denuded + Of cattle and grain that were swept from the plain + By the barbarous hand of the pillaging Dane) + To bandy no words with a dominant foe, + But to wait for a chance of returning the blow, + And then let him have it in more suo." + +These extracts make me regret that the leading personalities in +the Parliament of 1886 were not commemorated in the same pleasant, +jingling metre. + + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +The Foreign Office--The new Private Secretary--A Cabinet key-- +Concerning theatricals--Some surnames which have passed into +everyday use--Theatricals at Petrograd--A mock-opera--The family +from Runcorn--An embarrassing predicament--Administering the oath-- +Secret Service--Popular errors--Legitimate employment of +information--The Phoenix Park murders--I sanction an arrest--The +innocent victim--The execution of the murderers of Alexander II.-- +The jarring military band--Black Magic--Sir Charles Wyke--Some of +his experiences--The seance at the Pantheon--Sir Charles' +experiment on myself--The Alchemists--The Elixir of Life, and the +Philosopher's Stone--Lucid directions for their manufacture-- +Glamis Castle and its inhabitants--The tuneful Lyon family--Mr. +Gladstone at Glamis--He sings in the glees--The castle and its +treasures--Recollections of Glamis. + +Having successfully defeated the Civil Service Examiners, I +entered the Foreign Office in 1876, for the six or eight months' +training which all Attaches had to undergo before being sent +abroad. The typewriter had not then been invented, so everything +was copied by hand--a wearisome and deadening occupation where +very lengthy documents were concerned. + +The older men in the Foreign Office were great sticklers for +observing all the traditional forms. Lord Granville, in obedience +to political pressure, had appointed the son of a leading +politician as one of his unpaid private secretaries. The youth had +been previously in his father's office in Leeds. On the day on +which he started work in the Foreign Office he was given a bundle +of letters to acknowledge. "You know, of course, the ordinary form +of acknowledgment," said his chief. "Just acknowledge all these, +and say that the matter will be attended to." When the young man +from Leeds brought the letters he had written, for signature that +evening, it was currently reported that they were all worded in +the same way: "Dear Sirs:--Your esteemed favour of yesterday's +date duly to hand, and contents noted. Our Lord Granville has your +matter in hand." The horror-stricken official gasped at such a +departure from established routine. + +As was the custom then, after one month in the Foreign Office, my +immediate chief gave me a little lecture on the traditional high +standard of honour of the Foreign Office, which he was sure I +would observe, and then handed me a Cabinet key which he made me +attach to my watch-chain in his presence. This Cabinet key +unlocked all the boxes in which the most confidential papers of +the Cabinet were circulated. As things were then arranged, this +key was essential to our work, but a boy just turned twenty +naturally felt immensely proud of such a proof of the confidence +reposed in him. I think, too, that the Foreign Office can feel +justifiably proud of the fact that the trust reposed in its most +junior members was never once betrayed, and that the most weighty +secrets were absolutely safe in their keeping. + +I have narrated elsewhere my early experiences at Berlin and +Petrograd. In every capital the Diplomatists must always be, in a +sense, sojourners in a strange land, and many of them who find a +difficulty in amalgamating with the people of the country must +always be thrown to a great extent on their own resources. It is +probably for this reason that theatricals were so popular amongst +the Diplomats in Petrograd, the plays being naturally always acted +in French. + +Here I felt more or less at home. My grandmother, the Duchess of +Bedford, was passionately fond of acting, and in my grandfather's +time, one room at Woburn Abbey was permanently fitted up as a +theatre. Here, every winter during my mother's girlhood, there was +a succession of performances in which she, her mother and brothers +and sisters all took part, the Russell family having a natural +gift for acting. Probably the very name of Charles Matthews is +unfamiliar to the present generations, so it is sufficient to say +that he was THE light comedian of the early nineteenth century. +The Garrick Club possesses a fine collection of portraits of +Charles Matthews in some of his most popular parts. Charles +Matthews acted regularly with the Russell family at Woburn, my +mother playing the lead. I have a large collection of Woburn Abbey +play-bills, from 1831-1839, all printed on white satin, and some +of the pieces they put on were quite ambitious ones. My mother had +a very sweet singing voice, which she retained till late in life; +indeed a tiny thread of voice remained until her ninety-third +year, with a faint remnant of its old sweetness still clinging to +it. After her marriage, her love of theatricals still persisted, +so we were often having performances at home, as my brothers and +sisters shared her tastes. I made my first appearance on the stage +at the age of seven, and I can still remember most of my lines. + +At Petrograd, in the French theatricals, I was always cast for old +men, and I must have played countless fathers, uncles, generals, +and family lawyers. As unmarried girls took part in these +performances, the French pieces had to be considerably +"bowdlerized," but they still remained as excruciatingly funny as +only French pieces can be. + +If I may be permitted a rather lengthy digression, "bowdlerised" +derives its name from Thomas Bowdler, who in 1818 published an +expurgated edition of Shakespeare. It would be rather interesting +to make a list of words which have passed into common parlance but +which were originally derived from some peculiarity of the person +whose surname they perpetuate. A few occur to me. In addition to +"bowdlerise," there is "sandwich." As is well known, this compact +form of nourishment derives its name from John, fourth Earl of +Sandwich, who lived between 1718-1792. Lord Sandwich was a +confirmed gambler, and such was his anxiety to lose still more +money, and to impoverish further himself, his family, and his +descendants, that he grudged the time necessary for meals, and had +slices of bread and slices of meat placed by his side. The +inventive faculty being apparently but little developed during the +eighteenth century, he was the first person who thought of placing +meat between two slices of bread. Owing to the economy of time +thus effected, he was able to ruin himself very satisfactorily, +and his name is now familiar all over the world, thanks to the +condensed form of food he introduced. + +Again, Admiral Edward Vernon was Naval Commander-in-Chief in the +West Indies in 1740. The Admiral was known as "Old Grog," from his +habit of always having his breeches and the linings of his boat- +cloaks made of grogram, a species of coarse white poplin (from the +French grosgrain). It occurred to "Old Grog" that, in view of the +ravages of yellow fever amongst the men of the Fleet, it would be +advisable, in the burning climate of the West Indies, to dilute +the blue-jackets' rations of rum with water before serving them +out. This was accordingly done, to the immense dissatisfaction of +the men, who probably regarded it as a forerunner of "Pussyfoot" +legislation. They at once christened the mixture "grog," after the +Admiral's nickname, and "grog" as a term for spirits and water has +spread all over the world, and is used just as much in French as +in English. + +The origin of the expression "to burke an inquiry," in the sense +of suppressing or stifling it, is due to Burke and Hare, two +enterprising malefactors who supplied the medical schools of +Edinburgh with "subjects" for anatomical research, early in the +nineteenth century. Their procedure was simple. Creeping behind +unsuspecting citizens in lonely streets, they stifled them to +death by placing pitch-plasters over their mouths and noses. Burke +was hanged for this in Edinburgh in 1829. + +In our own time, an almost unknown man has enriched the language +with a new verb. A Captain Boycott of Lough Mask House, Co. Mayo, +was a small Irish land-agent in 1880. The means that were adopted +to try and drive him out of the country are well known. Since that +time the expression to "boycott" a person, in the sense of +combining with others to refuse to have any dealings with him, has +become a recognised English term, and is just as widely used in +France as with us. + +A less familiar term is a "Collins," for the usual letter of +thanks which a grateful visitor addresses to his recent host. +This, of course, is derived from the Rev. Mr. Collins of Jane +Austen's Pride and Prejudice, who prided himself on the dexterity +with which he worded these acknowledgments of favours received. As +another example, most bridge-players are but too familiar with the +name of a certain defunct Earl of Yarborough, who, whatever his +other good qualities may have been, scarcely seems to have been a +consistently good card-holder. + +There must be quite a long list of similar words, and they would +make an interesting study. + +To return to the Diplomatic Theatricals at Petrograd, Labiche's +piece, La Cagnotte, is extraordinarily funny, though written over +sixty years ago. We gave a very successful performance of this, in +which I played the restaurant waiter--a capital part. La Lettre +Chargee and Le Sous-Prefet are both most amusing pieces, which can +be played, with very slight "cuts," before any audience, and they +both bubble over with that gaiete francaise which appeals so to +me. We were coached at Petrograd by Andrieux, the jeune premier of +the Theatre Michel, and we all became very professional indeed, +never talking of Au Seconde Acte, but saying Au Deux, in proper +French stage style. We also endeavoured to cultivate the long- +drawn-out "a's" of the Comedie Francaise, and pronounced +"adorahtion" and "imaginahtion" in the traditional manner of the +"Maison de Moliere." + +The British business community in Petrograd were also extremely +fond of getting up theatricals, in this case, of course, in +English. If in the French plays I was invariably cast for old men, +in the English ones I was always allotted the extremely juvenile +parts, being still very slim and able to "make up" young. I must +confess to having appeared on the stage in an Eton jacket and +collar at the age of twenty-four, as the schoolboy in Peril. + +Russians are extremely clever at parody. Two brothers Narishkin +wrote an intensely amusing mock serious opera, entitled +Gargouillada, ou la Belle de Venise. It was written half in French +and mock-Italian, and half in Russian, and was an excellent skit +on an old-fashioned Italian opera. All the ladies fought shy of +the part of "Countess Gorganzola," the heroine's grandmother. This +was partly due to the boldness of some of "Gorganzola's" lines, +and also to the fact that whoever played the role would have to +make-up frankly as an old woman. I was asked to take "Countess +Gorganzola" instead of the villain of the piece, which I had +rehearsed, and I did so, turning it into a sort of Charley's Aunt +part. Garouillada went with a roar from the opening chorus to the +final tableau, and so persistently enthusiastic were the audience +that we agreed to give the opera again four nights in succession. + +I was at work in the Chancery of the Embassy next morning when +three people were ushered in to me. They were a family from either +St. Helens, Runcorn, or Widnes, I forget which, all speaking the +broadest Lancashire. The navigation of the Neva being again +opened, they had come on a little trip to Russia on a tramp- +steamer belonging to a friend of theirs. There was the father, a +short, thickset man in shiny black broadcloth, with a shaven upper +lip, and a voluminous red "Newgate-frill" framing his face-- +exactly the type of face one associates with the Deacon of a +Calvinistic-Methodist Chapel; there was the mother, a very grim- +looking female; and the son, a nondescript hobbledehoy with +goggle-eyes. It appeared that after their passports had been +inspected on landing, the goggle-eyed boy had laid his down +somewhere and had lost it. No hotel would take him in without a +passport, but these people were so obviously genuine, that I had +no hesitation in issuing a fresh passport to the lad, after +swearing the father to an affidavit that the protuberant-eyed +youth was his lawful son. After a few kind words as to the grave +effects of any carelessness with passports in a country like +Russia, I let the trio from Runcorn (or St. Helens) depart. + +That evening I had just finished dressing and making-up as +Countess Gorganzola, when I was told that three English people who +had come on from the Embassy wished to see me. The curtain would +be going up in ten minutes, so I got an obliging Russian friend +who spoke English to go down and interview them. The strong +Lancashire accent defeated him. All he could tell me was that it +was something about a passport, and that it was important. I was +in a difficulty. It would have taken at least half an hour to +change and make-up again, and the curtain was going up almost at +once, so after some little hesitation I decided to go down as I +was. I was wearing a white wig with a large black lace cap, and a +gown of black moire-antique trimmed with flounces and hanging +sleeves of an abominable material known as black Chantilly lace. +Any one who has ever had to wear this hateful fabric knows how it +catches in every possible thing it can do. Down I went, and the +trio from Widnes (or Runcorn) seemed surprised at seeing an old +lady enter the room. But when I spoke, and they recognised in the +old lady the frock-coated (and I trust sympathetic) official they +had interviewed earlier in the day, their astonishment knew no +bounds. The father gazed at me horror-stricken, as though I were a +madman; the mother kept on swallowing, as ladies of her type do +when they wish to convey strong disapprobation; and the prominent- +orbed boy's eyes nearly fell out of his head. I explained that +some theatricals were in progress, but that did not mend matters; +evidently in the serious circles in which they moved in St. Helens +(or Widnes), theatricals were regarded as one of the snares of the +Evil One. To make matters worse, one of my Chantilly lace sleeves +caught in the handle of a drawer, and perhaps excusably, but quite +audibly, I condemned all Chantilly lace to eternal punishment, but +in a much shorter form. After that they looked on me as clearly +beyond the pale. The difficulty about the passport was easily +adjusted. The police had threatened to arrest the young man, as +his new passport was clearly not the one with which he had entered +Russia. The Russian Minister of the Interior happened to be in the +green-room, and on my personal guarantee as to the identity of the +Widnes youth, he wrote an order to the police on his visiting- +card, bidding them to leave the goggle-eyed boy in peace. I really +tremble to think of the reports this family must have circulated +upon their return to Widnes (or Runcorn) as to the frivolity of +junior members of the British Diplomatic Service, who dressed up +as old women, and used bad language about Chantilly lace. + +There is a wearisome formality known as "legalising" which took up +much time at the Berlin Embassy. Commercial agreements, if they +are to be binding in two countries, say Germany and England, have +to be "legalised," and this must be done at the Embassy, not at +the Consulate. The individual bringing the document has to make a +sworn affidavit that the contents of his papers are true; he then +signs it, the dry-seal of the Embassy is embossed on it, and a +rubber stamp impressed, declaring that the affidavit has been duly +sworn to before a member of the Embassy staff. This is then signed +and dated, and the process is complete. There were strings of +people daily in Berlin with documents to be legalised, and on a +little shelf in the Chancery reposed an Authorized Version of the +Bible, a German Bible, a Vulgate version of the Gospels in Latin, +and a Pentateuch in Hebrew, for the purpose of administering the +oath, according to the religion professed by the individual. I was +duly instructed how to administer the oath in German, and was told +that my first question must be as to the religion the applicant +professed, and that I was then to choose my Book accordingly. My +great friend at Berlin was my fellow-attache Maude, a most +delightful little fellow, who was universally popular. Poor Maude, +who was a near relation of Mr. Cyril Maude the actor's, died four +years afterwards in China. Most of the applicants for legalisation +were of one particular faith. I admired the way in which little +Maude, without putting the usual question as to religion, would +scan the features of the applicant closely and then hand him the +Hebrew Pentateuch, and request him to put on his hat. (Jews are +always sworn covered.) About a month after my arrival in Berlin, I +was alone in the Chancery when a man arrived with a document for +legalisation. I was only twenty at the time, and felt rather +"bucked" at administering my first oath. I thought that I would +copy little Maude's methods, and after a good look at my visitor's +prominent features, I handed him the Pentateuch and requested him +to put on his hat. He was perfectly furious, and declared that +both he and his father had been pillars of the Lutheran Church all +their lives. I apologised profusely, but all the same I am +convinced that the original family seat had been situated in the +valley of the Jordan. I avoided, however, guesses as to religions +for the future. + +Both at Berlin and at Petrograd I kept what are known as the +"Extraordinary Accounts" of the Embassies. I am therefore in a +position to give the exact amount spent on Secret Service, but I +have not the faintest intention of doing anything of the sort. +Suffice it to say that it is less than one-twentieth of the sum +the average person would imagine. Bought information is nearly +always unreliable information. A moment's consideration will show +that, should a man be base enough to sell his country's secrets to +his country's possible enemy, he would also unhesitatingly cheat, +if he could, the man who purchases that information, which, from +the very nature of the case, it is almost impossible to verify. In +all probability the so-called information would have been +carefully prepared at the General Staff for the express purpose of +fooling the briber. There is a different class of information +which, it seems to me, is more legitimate to acquire. The Russian +Ministries of Commerce and Finance always imagined that they could +overrule economic laws by decrees and stratagems. For instance, +they were perpetually endeavouring to divert the flow of trade +from its accustomed channels to some port they wished to stimulate +artificially into prosperity, by granting rebates, and by +exceptionally favourable railway rates. Large quantities of jute +sacking were imported from Dundee to be made into bags for the +shipment of Russian wheat. One Minister of Commerce elaborated an +intricate scheme for supplanting the jute sacking by coarse linen +sacking of Russian manufacture, by granting a bonus to the makers +of the latter, and by doubling the import duties on the Scottish- +woven material. I could multiply these economic schemes +indefinitely. Now let us suppose that we had some source of +information in the Ministry of Commerce, it was obviously of +advantage to the British Government and to British traders to be +warned of the pending economic changes some two years in advance, +for nothing is ever done quickly in Russia. People in England then +knew what to expect, and could make their arrangements +accordingly. I can see nothing repugnant to the most rigid code of +honour in obtaining information of this kind. + +On May 6, 1882, Lord Frederick Cavendish, the newly appointed +Irish Secretary, and Mr. Burke, the Permanent Under-Secretary for +Ireland, were assassinated in the Phoenix Park, Dublin. I knew Tom +Burke very well indeed. The British Government offered a reward of +ten thousand pounds for the apprehension of the murderers, and +every policeman in Europe had rosy dreams of securing this great +prize, and was constantly on the alert for the criminals and the +reward. + +In July 1882, the Ambassador and half the Embassy staff were on +leave in England. As matters were very slack just then, the Charge +d'Affaires and the Second Secretary had gone to Finland for four +days' fishing, leaving me in charge of the Embassy, with an +Attache to help me. My servant came to me early one morning as I +was in bed, and told me that an official of the Higher Police was +outside my front door, and begged for permission to come into my +flat. I have explained elsewhere that Ambassadors, their families, +their staffs, and even all the Embassy servants enjoy what is +called exterritoriality; that is, that by a polite fiction the +Embassy and the houses or apartments of the Secretaries are +supposed to be on the actual soil of the country they represent. +Consequently, the police of the country cannot enter them except +by special permission, and both the Secretaries and their servants +are immune from arrest, and are not subject to the laws of the +country, though they can, of course, be expelled from it. I gave +the policeman leave to enter, and he came into my bedroom. "I have +caught one of the Phoenix Park murderers," he told me triumphantly +in Russian, visions of the possible ten thousand pounds wreathing +his face in smiles. I jumped up incredulously. He went on to +inform me that a man had landed from the Stockholm steamer early +that morning. Though he declared that he had no arms with him, a +revolver and a dagger had been found in his trunk. His passport +had only been issued at the British Legation in Stockholm, and his +description tallied exactly with the signalment issued by Scotland +Yard in eight languages. The policier showed me the description: +"height about five feet nine; complexion sallow, with dark eyes. +Thickset build; probably with some recent cuts on face and hands." +The policeman declared that the cuts were there, and that it was +unquestionably the man wanted. Then he put the question point- +blank, would the Embassy sanction this man's arrest? I was only +twenty-five at the time. I had to act on "my own," and I had to +decide quickly. "Yes, arrest him," I said, "but you are not to +take him to prison. Confine him to his room at his hotel, with two +or three of your men to watch him. I will dress and come there as +quickly as I can." + +Half an hour later I was in a grubby room of a grubby hotel, where +a short, sallow, thickset man, with three recent cuts on his face, +was walking up and down, smoking cigarettes feverishly, and +throwing frightened glances at three sinister-looking plain- +clothes men, who pretended to be quite at ease. I looked again at +the description and at the man. There could be no doubt about it. +I asked him for his own account of himself. He told me that he was +the Manager of the Gothenburg Tramway Company in Sweden, an +English concern, and that he had come to Russia for a little +holiday. He accounted for the cuts on his face and hands by saying +that he had slipped and fallen on his face whilst alighting from a +moving tram-car. He declared that he was well known in Stockholm, +and that his wife, when packing his things, must have put in the +revolver and dagger without his knowledge. It all sounded +grotesquely improbable, but I promised to telegraph both to +Stockholm and Gothenburg, and to return to him as soon as I had +received the answers. In the meanwhile I feared that he must +consider himself as under close arrest. He himself was under the +impression that all the trouble was due to the concealed arms; the +Phoenix Park murders had never once been mentioned. I sent off a +long telegram in cypher to the Stockholm Legation, making certain +inquiries, and a longer one en clair to the British Consul at +Gothenburg. By nagging at the Attache, and by keeping that dapper +young gentleman's nose pretty close to the grindstone, I got the +first telegram cyphered and dispatched by 10 a.m.; the answers +arrived about 4 p.m. The man's story was true in every particular. +He HAD fallen off a moving tram and cut his face; his wife, +terrified at the idea of unknown dangers in Russia, HAD borrowed a +revolver and dagger from a friend, and had packed them in her +husband's trunk without his knowledge. Mr. D---(I remember his +name perfectly) was well known in Stockholm, and was a man of the +highest respectability. I drove as fast as I could to the grubby +hotel, where I found the poor fellow still restlessly pacing the +room, and still smoking cigarette after cigarette. There was a +perfect Mont Blanc of cigarette stumps on a plate, and the shifty- +looking plain-clothes men were still watching their man like +hawks. I told the police that they had got hold of the wrong man, +that the Embassy was quite satisfied about him, and that they must +release the gentleman at once. They accordingly did so, and the +alluring vision of the ten thousand pounds vanished into thin air! +The poor man was quite touchingly grateful to me; he had formed +the most terrible ideas about a Russian State prison, and seemed +to think that he owed his escape entirely to me. I had not the +moral courage to tell him that I had myself ordered his arrest +that morning, still less of the awful crime of which he had been +suspected. Looking back, I do not see how I could have acted +otherwise; the prima facie case against him was so strong; never +was circumstantial evidence apparently clearer. Mr. D---went back +to Sweden next day, as he had had enough of Russia. Should Mr. D-- +still be alive, and should he by any chance read these lines, +may I beg of him to accept my humblest apologies for the way I +behaved to him thirty-eight years ago. + +I happened to see the four assassins of Alexander II. driven +through the streets of Petrograd on their way to execution. They +were seated in chairs on large tumbrils, with their backs to the +horses. Each one had a placard on his, or her breast, inscribed +"Regicide" ("Tsaryubeeyetz" in Russian). Two military brass bands, +playing loudly, followed the tumbrils. This was to make it +impossible for the condemned persons to address the crowd, but the +music might have been selected more carefully. One band played the +well-known march from Fatinitza. There was a ghastly incongruity +between the merry strains of this captivating march and the +terrible fate that awaited the people escorted by the band at the +end of their last drive on earth. When the first band rested, the +second replaced it instantly to avoid any possibilities of a +speech. The second band seemed to me to have made an equally +unhappy selection of music. "Kaiser Alexander," written as a +complimentary tribute to the murdered Emperor by a German +composer, is a spirited and tuneful march, but as "Kaiser +Alexander" was dead, and had been killed by the very people who +were now going to expiate their crime, the familiar tune jarred +horribly. A jaunty, lively march tune, and death at the end of it, +and in a sense at the beginning of it too. At times even now I can +conjure up a vision of the broad, sombre Petrograd streets, with +the dull cotton-wool sky pressing down almost on to the house- +tops; the vast silent crowds thronging the thoroughfares, and the +tumbrils rolling slowly forward through the crowded streets to the +place of execution, accompanied by the gay strains of the march +from Fatinitza. The hideous incongruity between the tune and the +occasion made one positively shudder. + +There is in the Russian temperament a peculiar unbalanced +hysterical element. This, joined to a distinct bent towards the +mystic, and to a large amount of credulity, has made Russia for +two hundred years the happy hunting-ground of charlatans and +impostors of various sorts claiming supernatural powers: +clairvoyants, mediums, yogis, and all the rest of the tribe who +batten on human weaknesses, and the perpetual desire to tear away +the veil from the Unseen. It so happened that my chief at Lisbon +had in his youth dabbled in the Black Art. Sir Charles Wyke was a +dear old man, who had spent most of his Diplomatic career in +Mexico and the South American Republics. He spoke Spanish better +than any other Englishman I ever knew, with the one exception of +Sir William Barrington. He was unmarried, and was a most +distinguished-looking old gentleman with his snow-white imperial +and moustache. He was unquestionably a little eccentric in his +habits. He had rendered some signal service to the Mexican +Government while British Minister there, by settling a dispute +between them and the French authorities. The Mexican Government +had out of gratitude presented him with a splendid Mexican saddle, +with pommel, stirrups and bit of solid silver, and with the +leather of the saddle most elaborately embroidered in silver. Sir +Charles kept this trophy on a saddle-tree in his study at Lisbon, +and it was his custom to sit on it daily for an hour or so. He +said that as he was too old to ride, the feel of a saddle under +him reminded him of his youth. When every morning I brought the +old gentleman the day's dispatches, I always found him seated on +his saddle, a cigar in his mouth, a skull-cap on his head, and his +feet in the silver shoe-stirrups. Sir Charles had been a great +friend of the first Lord Lytton, the novelist, and they had +together dabbled in Black Magic. Sir Charles declared that the +last chapters in Bulwer-Lytton's wonderful imaginative work, A +STRANGE STORY, describing the preparation of the Elixir of Life in +the heart of the Australian Bush, were all founded on actual +experience, with the notable reservation that all the recorded +attempts made to produce this magic fluid had failed from their +very start. He had in his younger days joined a society of +Rosicrucians, by which I do not mean the Masonic Order of that +name, but persons who sought to penetrate into the Forbidden +Domain. Some forty years ago a very interesting series of articles +appeared in Vanity Fair (the weekly newspaper, not Thackeray's +masterpiece), under the title of "The Black Art." In one of these +there was an account of a seance which took place at the Pantheon +in Oxford Street, in either the "forties" or the "fifties." A +number of people had hired the hall, and the Devil was invoked in +due traditional form, Then something happened, and the entire +assemblage rushed terror-stricken into Oxford Street, and nothing +would induce a single one of them to re-enter the building. Sir +Charles owned that he had been present at the seance, but he would +never tell me what it was that frightened them all so; he said +that he preferred to forget the whole episode. Sir Charles had an +idea that I was a "sensitive," so, after getting my leave to try +his experiment, he poured into the palm of my hand a little pool +of quicksilver, and placing me under a powerful shaded lamp, so +that a ray of light caught the mercury pool, he told me to look at +the bright spot for a quarter of an hour, remaining motionless +meanwhile. Any one who has shared this experience with me, knows +how the speck of light flashes and grows until that little pool of +quicksilver seems to fill the entire horizon, darting out gleaming +rays like an Aurora Borealis. I felt myself growing dazed and +hypnotised, when Sir Charles emptied the mercury from my hand, and +commenced making passes over me, looking, with his slender build +and his white hair and beard, like a real mediaeval magician. "Now +you can neither speak nor move," he cried at length. "I think I +can do both, Sir Charles," I answered, as I got out of the chair. +He tried me on another occasion, and then gave me up. I was +clearly not a "sensitive." + +Sir Charles had quite a library of occult books, from which I +endeavoured to glean a little knowledge, and great rubbish most of +them were. Raymond Lully, Basil Valentine, Paracelsus, and Van +Helmont; they were all there, in French, German, Latin, and +English. The Alchemists had two obsessions: one was the discovery +of the Elixir of Life, by the aid of which you could live forever; +the other that of the Philosopher's Stone, which had the property +of transmuting everything it touched into gold. Like practical +men, they seemed to have concentrated their energies more +especially on the latter, for a moment's consideration will show +the exceedingly awkward predicament in which any one would be +placed with only the first of these conveniences at his command. +Should he by the aid of the Elixir of Life have managed to attain +the age of, say, 300 years, he might find it excessively hard to +obtain any remunerative employment at that time of life; whereas +with the Philosopher's Stone in his pocket, he would only have to +touch the door-scraper outside his house to find it immediately +transmuted into the purest gold. In case of pressing need, he +could extend the process with like result to his area railings, +which ought to be enough to keep the wolf from the door for some +little while even at the present-day scale of prices. + +Basil Valentine, the German Benedictine monk and alchemist, who +wrote a book which he quaintly termed The Triumphant Wagon, in +praise of the healing properties of antimony, actually thought +that he had discovered the Elixir of Life in tartrate of antimony, +more generally known as tartar emetic. He administered large doses +of this turbulent remedy to some ailing monks of his community, +who promptly all died of it. + +The main characteristics of the Alchemists is their wonderful +clarity. For instance, when they wish to refer to mercury, they +call it "the green lion," and the "Pontic Sea," which makes it +quite obvious to every one. They attached immense importance to +the herb "Lunary," which no one as yet has ever been able to +discover. Should any one happen to see during their daily walks "a +herb with a black root, and a red and violet stalk, whose leaves +wax and wane with the moon," they will at once know that they have +found a specimen of the rare herb "Lunary." The juice of this +plant, if boiled with quicksilver, has only to be thrown over one +hundred ounces of copper, to change them instantly into fine gold. +Paracelsus' directions for making the Philosopher's Stone are very +simple: "Take the rosy-coloured blood of the lion, and gluten from +the eagle. Mix them together, and the Philosopher's Stone is +thine. Seek the lion in the west, and the eagle in the south." +What could be clearer? Any child could make sufficient +Philosopher's Stones from this simple recipe to pave a street +with--a most useful asset, by the way, to the Chancellor of the +Exchequer at the present time, for every bicycle, omnibus and +motor-lorry driving over the Philosopher Stone-paved street would +instantly be changed automatically into pure gold, and the +National Debt could be satisfactorily liquidated in this fashion +in no time. + +Whenever I returned home on leave, whether from Berlin, Petrograd, +Lisbon, or Buenos Ayres, I invariably spent a portion of my leave +at Glamis Castle. This venerable pile, "whose birth tradition +notes not," though the lower portions were undoubtedly standing in +1016, rears its forest of conical turrets in the broad valley +lying between the Grampians and the Sidlaws, in the fertile plains +of Forfarshire. Apart from the prestige of its immense age, Glamis +is one of the most beautiful buildings in the Three Kingdoms. The +exquisitely weathered tints of grey-pink and orange that its +ancient red sandstone walls have taken on with the centuries, its +many gables and towers rising in summer-time out of a sea of +greenery, the richness of its architectural details, make Glamis a +thing apart. There is nothing else quite like it. No more charming +family can possibly be imagined than that of the late Lord +Strathmore, forty years ago. The seven sons and three daughters of +the family were all born musicians. I have never heard such +perfect and finished part-singing as that of the Lyon family, and +they were always singing: on the way to a cricket-match; on the +road home from shooting; in the middle of dinner, even, this +irrepressible family could not help bursting into harmony, and +such exquisite harmony, too! Until their sisters grew up, the +younger boys sang the treble and alto parts, but finally they were +able to manage a male-voice quartet, a trio of ladies' voices, and +a combined family octette. The dining-room at Glamis is a very +lofty hall, oak-panelled, with a great Jacobean chimney-piece +rising to the roof. After dinner it was the custom for the two +family pipers to make the circuit of the table three times, and +then to walk slowly off, still playing, through the tortuous stone +passages of the ancient building until the last faint echoes of +the music had died away. Then all the lights in the dining-room +were extinguished except the candles on the table, and out came a +tuning-fork, and one note was sounded--"Madrigal," "Spring is +Come, third beat," said the conducting brother, and off they went, +singing exquisitely; glees, madrigals, part-songs, anything and +everything, the acoustic properties of the lofty room adding to +the effect. All visitors to Glamis were charmed with this most +finished singing--always, of course, without accompaniment. They +sang equally well in the private chapel, giving admirable +renderings of the most intricate "Services," and, from long +practice together, their voices blended perfectly. This gifted +family were equally good at acting. They had a permanent stage +during the winter months at Glamis, and as every new Gilbert and +Sullivan opera was produced in London, the concerted portions were +all duly repeated at Glamis, and given most excellently. I have +never heard the duet and minuet between "Sir Marmaduke" and "Lady +Sangazure" from The Sorcerer better done than at Glamis, although +Sir Marmaduke was only nineteen, and Lady Sangazure, under her +white wig, was a boy of twelve. The same boy sang "Mabel" in the +Pirates of Penzance most admirably. + +In 1884 it was conveyed to Lord Strathmore that Mr. and Mrs. +Gladstone, whom he did not know personally, were most anxious to +see Glamis. Of course an invitation was at once dispatched, and in +spite of the rigorously Tory atmosphere of the house, we were all +quite charmed with Mr. Gladstone's personality. Lord Strathmore +wished to stop the part-singing after dinner, but I felt sure that +Mr. Gladstone would like it, so it took place as usual. The old +gentleman was perfectly enchanted with it, and complimented this +tuneful family enthusiastically on the perfect finish of their +singing. Next evening Mr. Gladstone asked for a part-song in the +middle of dinner, and as the singing was continued in the drawing- +room afterwards, he went and, with a deferential courtesy charming +to see in a man of his age and position, asked whether the young +people would allow an old man to sing bass in the glees with them. +Mr. Gladstone still had a very fine resonant bass, and he read +quite admirably. It was curious to see the Prime Minister reading +off the same copy as an Eton boy of sixteen, who was singing alto. +Being Sunday night, they went on singing hymns and anthems till +nearly midnight; there was no getting Mr. Gladstone away. Mrs. +Gladstone told me next day that he had not enjoyed himself so much +for many months. + +There was a blend of simplicity, dignity, and kindliness in Mrs. +Gladstone's character that made her very attractive. My family +were exceedingly fond of her, and though two of my brothers were +always attacking Mr. Gladstone in the most violent terms, this +never strained their friendly relations with Mrs. Gladstone +herself. I always conjure up visions of Mrs. Gladstone in her +sapphire-blue velvet, her invariable dress of ceremony. Though a +little careless as to her appearance, she always looked a "great +lady," and her tall figure, and the kindly old face with its crown +of silvery hair, were always welcomed in the houses of those +privileged to know her. + +The Lyon family could do other things besides singing and acting. +The sons were all excellent shots, and were very good at games. +One brother was lawn-tennis champion of Scotland, whilst another, +with his partner, won the Doubles Championship of England. + +Glamis is the oldest inhabited house in Great Britain. As +Shakespeare tells us in Macbeth, + +"This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air Nimbly and sweetly +recommends itself Unto our gentle senses." + +The vaulted crypt was built before 1016, and another ancient +stone-flagged, stone-vaulted hall leading out of it is the +traditional scene of the murder of Duncan by Macbeth, the "Thane +of Glamis." In a room above it King Malcolm II. of Scotland was +murdered in 1034. The castle positively teems with these agreeable +traditions. The staircases and their passages are stone-walled, +stone-roofed, and stone-floored, and their flags are worn into +hollows by the feet which have trodden them for so many centuries. +Unusual features are the secret winding staircases debouching in +the most unexpected places, and a well in the front hall, which +doubtless played a very useful part during the many sieges the +castle sustained in the old days. The private chapel is a +beautiful little place of worship, with eighty painted panels of +Scriptural subjects by De Witt, the seventeenth-century Dutch +artist, and admirable stained glass. The Castle, too, is full of +interesting historical relics. It boasts the only remaining Fool's +dress of motley in the kingdom; Prince Charlie's watch and clothes +are still preserved there, for the Prince, surprised by the +Hanoverian troops at Glamis, had only time to jump on a horse and +escape, leaving all his belongings behind him. There is a +wonderful collection of old family dresses of the seventeenth and +eighteenth centuries, and above all there is the very ancient +silver-gilt cup, "The Lion of Glamis," which holds an entire +bottle of wine, and on great family occasions is still produced +and used as a loving-cup, circulating from hand to hand round the +table. Walter Scott in a note to Waverly states that it was the +"Lion of Glamis" cup which gave him the idea of the "Blessed Bear +of Bradwardine." In fact, there is no end to the objects of +interest this wonderful old castle contains, and the Lyon family +have inhabited it for six hundred years in direct line from father +to son. + +It is difficult for me to write impartially about Glamis, for it +is as familiar to me as my own home. I have been so much there, +and have received such kindness within its venerable walls, that +it can never be to me quite as other places are. I can see vast +swelling stretches of purple heather, with the dainty little +harebells all a-quiver in the strong breeze sweeping over the +grouse-butts, as a brown mass of whirling wings rushes past at the +pace of an express train, causing one probably to reflect how +well-nigh impossible it is to "allow" too much for driven grouse +flying down-wind. I can picture equally vividly the curling-pond +in winter-time, tuneful with the merry chirrup of the curling- +stones as they skim over the ice, whilst cries of "Soop her up, +man, soop! Soop!" from the anxious "skip" fill the keen air. I +like best, though, to think of the Glamis of my young days, when +the ancient stone-built passages and halls, that have seen so many +generations pass through them and disappear, rang with perpetual +youthful laughter, or echoed beautifully finished part-singing; +when nimble young feet twinkled, and kilts whirled to the skirl of +the pipes under the vaulted roof of the nine-hundred-year-old +crypt; when the whole place was vibrant with joyous young life, +and the stately, grey-bearded owner of the historic castle, and of +many broad acres in Strathmore besides, found his greatest +pleasure in seeing how happy his children and his guests could be +under his roof. + + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +Canada--The beginnings of the C.P.R.--Attitude of British +Columbia--The C.P.R. completed--Quebec--A swim at Niagara--Other +mighty waterfalls--Ottawa and Rideau Hall--Effects of dry climate-- +Personal electricity--Every man his own dynamo--Attraction of +Ottawa--Curling--The "roaring game"--Skating--An ice-palace--A +ball on skates--Difficulties of translating the Bible into Eskimo-- +The building of the snow hut--The snow hut in use--Sir John +Macdonald--Some personal traits--The Canadian Parliament +buildings--Monsieur l'Orateur--A quaint oration--The "Pages' +Parliament"--An all-night sitting--The "Arctic Cremorne"--A +curious Lisbon custom--The Balkan "souvenir-hunters"--Personal +inspection of Canadian convents--Some incidents--The unwelcome +novice--The Montreal Carnival--The Ice-castle--The Skating +Carnival--A stupendous toboggan slide--The pioneer of "ski" in +Canada--The old-fashioned raquettes--A Canadian Spring--Wonder of +the Dominion. + + When I was in Canada for the first time in 1884, the Canadian +Pacific Railway was not completed, and there was no through +railway connection between the Maritime Provinces, "Upper" and +"Lower" Canada, and the Pacific Coast, though, of course, in 1884 +those old-fashioned terms for the Provinces of Ontario and Quebec +had been obsolete for some time. Since the Federation of the +Dominion in 1867, the opening of the Trans-Continental railway has +been the most potent factor in the knitting together of Canada, +and has developed the resources of the Dominion to an extent which +even the most enthusiastic of the original promoters of the C.P.R. +never anticipated. When British Columbia threw in its lot with the +Dominion in 1871, one of the terms upon which the Pacific Province +insisted was a guarantee that the Trans-Continental railway should +be completed in ten years--that is, in 1881. Two rival Companies +received in 1872 charters for building the railway; the result was +continual political intrigue, and very little construction work. +British Columbia grew extremely restive under the continual +delays, and threatened to retire from the Dominion. Lord Dufferin +told me himself, when I was his Private Secretary in Petrograd, +that on the occasion of his official visit to British Columbia (of +course by sea), in either 1876 or 1877, as Governor-General, he +was expected to drive under a triumphal arch which had been +erected at Victoria, Vancouver Island. This arch was inscribed on +both sides with the word "Separation." I remember perfectly Lord +Dufferin's actual words in describing the incident: "I sent for +the Mayor of Victoria, and told him that I must have a small--a +very small--alteration made in the inscription, before I could +consent to drive under it; an alteration of one letter only. The +initial 'S' must be replaced with an 'R' and then I would pledge +my word that I would do my best to see that 'Reparation' was made +to the Province." This is so eminently characteristic of Lord +Dufferin's methods that it is worth recording. The suggested +alteration in the inscription was duly made, and Lord Dufferin +drove under the arch. In spite of continued efforts the Governor- +General was unable to expedite the construction of the railway +under the Mackenzie Administration, and it needed all his +consummate tact to quiet the ever-growing demand for separation +from the Dominion on the part of British Columbia, owing to the +non-fulfilment of the terms of union. It was not until 1881, under +Sir John Macdonald's Premiership, that a contract was signed with +a new Company to complete the Canadian Pacific within ten years, +but so rapid was the progress made, that the last spike was +actually driven on November 7, 1886, five years before the +stipulated time. The names of three Scotsmen will always be +associated with this gigantic undertaking: those of the late +Donald Smith, afterwards Lord Strathcona; George Stephen, now Lord +Mount-stephen; and Mr. R. B. Angus of Montreal. The last spike, +which was driven in at a place called Craigellachie, by Mrs. +Mackenzie, widow of the Premier under whom the C.P.R. had been +commenced, was of an unusual character, for it was of eighteen- +carat gold. In the course of an hour it was replaced by a more +serviceable spike of steel. I have often seen Mrs. Mackenzie +wearing the original gold spike, with "Craigellachie" on it in +diamonds. + +There are few finer views in the world than that from the terrace +of the Citadel of Quebec over the mighty expanse of the St. +Lawrence, with ocean-going steamers lying so close below that it +would be possible to drop a stone from the Citadel on to their +decks; and the view from the Dufferin Terrace, two hundred feet +lower down, is just as fine. My brother-in-law, Lord Lansdowne, +had been appointed Governor-General in 1883, and I well remember +my first arrival in Quebec. We had been living for five weeks in +the backwoods of the Cascapedia, the famous salmon-river, under +the most primitive conditions imaginable. I had come there +straight from the Argentine Republic on a tramp steamer, and we +lived on the Cascapedia coatless and flannel-shirted, with our +legs encased in "beef moccasins" as a protection against the +hordes of voracious flies that battened ravenously on us from +morning to night. It was a considerable change from a tent on the +banks of the rushing, foaming Cascapedia to the Citadel of Quebec, +which was then appointed like a comfortable English country house, +and gave one a thoroughly home-like feeling at once. After my +prolonged stay in South America I was pleased, too, to recognise +familiar pictures, furniture and china which I had last met in +their English Wiltshire home, all of them with the stolid +impassiveness of inanimate objects unaware that they had been +spirited across the Atlantic, three thousand miles from their +accustomed abiding-place. + +In September 1884, at a point immediately below the Falls, I swam +Niagara with Mr. Cecil Baring, now a partner in Baring Brothers, +then an Oxford undergraduate. We were standing at the foot of the +American Falls, when we noticed a little board inscribed, "William +Grenfell of Taplow Court, England" (the present Lord Desborough), +"swam Niagara at this spot." I looked at Baring, Baring looked at +me. "I don't see why we shouldn't do it too," he observed, to +which I replied, "We might have a try," so we stripped, sent our +clothes over to the Canadian side, and entered the water. It was a +far longer swim than either of us had anticipated, the current was +very strong, and the eddies bothered us. When we landed on the +Canadian shore, I was utterly exhausted, though Baring, being +eight years younger than me, did not feel the effects of the +exertion so much. I remember that the Falls, seen from only six +inches above the surface of the water, looked like a splendid +range of snow-clad hills tumbling about in mad confusion, and that +the roar of waters was deafening. As we both lay panting and +gasping, puris naturalibus, on the Canadian bank, I need hardly +say, as we were on the American continent, that a reporter made +his appearance from nowhere, armed with notebook and pencil. This +young newspaper-man was not troubled with false delicacy. He asked +us point-blank what we had made out of our swim. On learning that +we had had no money on it, but had merely done it for the fun of +the thing, he mentioned the name of a place of eternal punishment, +shut up his notebook in disgust, and walked off: there was +evidently no "story" to be made out of us. After some luncheon and +a bottle of Burgundy, neither Baring nor I felt any the worse for +our swim, nor were we the least tired during the remainder of the +day. I have seen Niagara in summer, spring and in mid-winter, and +each time the fascination of these vast masses of tumbling waters +has grown on me. I have never, to my regret, seen the Victoria +Falls of the Zambesi, as on two separate occasions when starting +for them unforeseen circumstances detained me in Cape Town. The +Victoria Falls are more than double the height of Niagara, Niagara +falling 160 feet, and the Zambesi 330 feet, and the Falls are over +one mile broad, but I fancy that except in March and April, the +volume of water hurling itself over them into the great chasm +below is smaller than at Niagara. I have heard that the width of +the Victoria Falls is to within a few yards exactly the distance +between the Marble Arch and Oxford Circus. When I was in the +Argentine Republic, the great Falls of the River Iguazu, a +tributary of the Parana, were absolutely inaccessible. To reach +them vast tracts of dense primeval forest had to be traversed, +where every inch of the track would have to be laboriously hacked +through the jungle. Their very existence was questioned, for it +depended on the testimony of wandering Indians, and of one +solitary white man, a Jesuit missionary. Now, since the railway to +Paraguay has been completed, the Iguazu Falls can be reached, +though the journey is still a difficult one. The Falls are 200 +feet high, and nearly a mile wide. In the very heart of the City +of Ottawa there are the fine Chaudiere Falls, where the entire +River Ottawa drops fifty feet over a rocky ledge. The boiling +whirl of angry waters has well earned its name of cauldron, or +"Chaudiere," but so much of the water has now been drawn off to +supply electricity and power to the city, that the volume of the +falls has become sensibly diminished. I know of no place in Europe +where the irresistible might of falling waters is more fully +brought home to one than at Trollhattan in Sweden. Here the Gotha +River whirls itself down 120 feet in seven cataracts. They are +rapids rather than falls, but it is the immense volume of water +which makes them so impressive. Every year Trolhattan grows more +and more disfigured by saw-mills, carbide of calcium works, and +other industrial buildings sprouting up like unsightly mushrooms +along the river-banks. The last time that I was there it was +almost impossible to see the falls in their entirety from any +point, owing to this congestion of squalid factories. + +Rideau Hall, the Government House at Ottawa, stands about two +miles out of the town, and is a long, low, unpretentious building, +exceedingly comfortable as a dwelling-house, if somewhat +inadequate as an official residence for the Governor-General of +Canada. Lord Dufferin added a large and very handsome ball-room, +fitted with a stage at one end of it, and a full-sized tennis- +court. This tennis-court, by an ingenious arrangement, can be +converted in a few hours into a splendid supper-room. A red and +white tent is lowered bodily from the roof; a carpet is spread +over the floor; great white-and-gold electric standards bearing +the arms of the different Provinces are placed in position, and +the thing is done. The intense dryness of the Canadian winter +climate, especially in houses where furnace-heat intensifies the +dryness, produces some unexpected results. My brother-in-law had +brought out a number of old pieces of French inlaid furniture. The +excessive dryness forced out some of the inlaid marqueterie of +these pieces, and upon their return to Europe they had to undergo +a long and expensive course of treatment. Some fine Romneys and +Gainesboroughs also required the picture-restorer's attentions +before they could return to their Wiltshire home after a five +years' sojourn in the dry air of Canada. The ivory handles of +razors shrink in the dry atmosphere; as the steel frame cannot +shrink correspondingly the ivory splits in two. The thing most +surprising to strangers was that it was possible in winter-time to +light the gas with one's finger. All that was necessary was to +shuffle over the carpet in thin shoes, and then on touching any +metal object, an electric spark half an inch long would crack out +of your finger. The size and power of the spark depended a great +deal on the temperament of the experimenter. A high-strung person +could produce quite a large spark; a stolid, bovine individual +could not obtain a glimmer of one. The late Mr. Joseph +Chamberlain, whilst staying at Government House, was told of this, +but was inclined to be sceptical. My sister, Lady Lansdowne, made +him shuffle over the carpet, and then and there touch a gas-burner +from which she had removed the globe. Mr. Chamberlain, with his +nervous temperament, produced a spark an inch long out of himself, +and of course the gas flared up immediately. I do not think that I +had ever seen any one more surprised. This power of generating +static electricity from their own bodies was naturally a source of +immense delight to the Lansdowne children. They loved, after +shuffling their feet on the carpet, to creep up to any adult +relation and touch them lightly on the ear, a most sensitive spot. +There would be a little spark, a little shock, and a little +exclamation of surprise. Outside the children's schoolroom there +was a lobby warmed by a stove, and the air there was peculiarly +dry. The young people, with a dozen or so of their youthful +friends, would join hands, taking, however, care not to complete +the circle, and then shuffle their feet vigorously. On completing +the circuit, they could produce a combined spark over two inches +long, with a correspondingly sharp shock. In my bedroom at Ottawa +there was an old-fashioned high brass fender. Had I put on +slippers, and have attempted to warm myself at the fire previous +to turning-in. I should be reminded, by a sharp discharge from my +protesting calves into the metal fender, that I was in dry Canada. +(At that date the dryness of Canada was atmospherical only.) +Curiously enough, a spark leaving the body produces the same shock +as one entering it, and no electricity whatever can be generated +with bare feet. One of the footmen at Ottawa must have been an +abnormally high-strung young man, for should one inadvertently +touch silver dinner-plate he handed one, a sharp electric shock +resulted. The children delighted in one very pretty experiment. +Many books for the young have their bindings plentifully adorned +with gold, notably the French series, the "Bibliotheque Rose." +Should one of these highly-gilt volumes be taken into a warm and +dry place, and the lights extinguished, the INNER side of the +binding had only to be rubbed briskly with a fur-cap for all the +gilding to begin to sparkle and coruscate, and to send out little +flashes of light. The children took the utmost pleasure in this +example of the curious properties of electricity. + +The Ottawa of the "eighties" was an attractive little place, and +Ottawa Society was very pleasant. There was then a note of +unaffected simplicity about everything that was most engaging, and +the people were perfectly natural and free from pretence. The +majority of them were Civil servants of limited means, and as +everybody knew what their neighbours' incomes were, there was no +occasion for make-believe. The same note of simplicity ran through +all amusements and entertaining, and I think that it constituted +the charm of the place. I called one afternoon on the very +agreeable wife of a high official, and was told at the door that +Lady R--was not at home. Recognizing my voice, a cry came up +from the kitchen-stairs. "Oh, yes! I am at home to you. Come right +down into the kitchen," where I found my friend, with her sleeves +rolled up, making with her own hands the sweets for the dinner- +party she was giving that night, as she mistrusted her cook's +capabilities. The Ottawa people had then that gift of being +absolutely unaffected, which makes the majority of Australians so +attractive. Now everything has changed; Ottawa has trebled in size +since I first knew it, and on revisiting it twenty-five years +later, I found that it had become very "smart" indeed, with +elaborate houses and gorgeous raiment. + +Rideau Hall had two open-air skating-rinks in its own grounds, two +imposing toboggan-slides, and a covered curling-rink. The "roaring +game" is played in Canada with very heavy straight-sided iron +"stones," weighing from 50 to 60 lbs. As the ice in a covered rink +can be constantly flooded, it can be kept in the most perfect +order, and with the heavy stones far greater accuracy can be +attained than with the granite stones used in Scotland. The game +becomes a sort of billiards on ice. The Rideau Hall team consisted +of Lord Lansdowne himself, General Sir Henry Streatfield, a nephew +of mine, and one of the footmen, who seemed to have a natural gift +as a curler. Our team were invincible in 1888. At a curling-match +against Montreal in 1887, a long-distance telephone was used for +the first time in Canada. Ottawa is 120 miles distant from +Montreal, and a telephone was specially installed, and each "end" +telephoned from Rideau Hall to Montreal, where the result was +shown on a board, excitement over the match running high. Montreal +proved the victors. On great occasions such as this, the ice of +the curling-rink was elaborately decorated in colours. It was very +easily done. Ready-prepared stencils, such as are used for wall- +decoration, were laid on the ice, and various coloured inks mixed +with water were poured through the stencil holes, and froze almost +immediately on to the ice below. In this fashion complicated +designs of roses, thistles and maple-leaves, all in their proper +colours, could be made in a very short time, and most effective +they were until destroyed by the first six "ends." When the +Governor-General's time in Canada expired and he was transferred +to India, the curlers of Canada presented him with a farewell +address. Lord Lansdowne made, I thought, a very happy reply. +Speaking of the regret he felt at leaving Ottawa, and at severing +his many links of connection with Canada, he added that, bearing +in view the climate of Bengal, he did not anticipate much curling +in India, and that he would miss the "roaring game"; in fact, the +only "roaring game" he was likely to come in contact with would +probably take the unpleasant form of a Bengal tiger springing out +at him. Lord Lansdowne went on to say, "Let us hope that it will +not happen that your ex-Governor-General will be found, not +pursuing the roaring game, but being pursued by it." + +From skating daily, most of the Government House party became very +expert, and could perform every kind of trick upon skates. Lord +and Lady Lansdowne and their two daughters, now Duchess of +Devonshire and Lady Osborne Beauclerk, could execute the most +complicated Quadrilles and Lancers on skates, and could do the +most elaborate figures. + +Once a week all Ottawa turned up at Rideau Hall to skate to the +music of a good military band. Every year in December a so-called +ice-palace was built for the band, of clear blocks of ice. Once +given a design, ice-architecture is most fascinating and very +easy. Instead of mortar, all that is required is a stream of water +from a hose to freeze the ice-blocks together, and as ice can be +easily chipped into any shape, the most fantastic pinnacles and +ornaments can be contrived. Our ice-palace was usually built in +what I may call a free adaptation of the Canado-Moresque style. A +very necessary feature in the ice-palace was the large stove for +thawing the brass instruments of the band. A moment's +consideration will show that in the intense cold of a Canadian +winter, the moisture that accumulates in a brass instrument would +freeze solid, rendering the instrument useless. The bandsmen had +always to handle the brass with woollen gloves on, to prevent +getting burnt. How curious it is that the sensation of touching +very hot or very cold metal is identical, and that it produces the +same effect on the human skin! With thirty or more degrees of +frost, great caution must be used in handling skate-blades with +bare fingers if burns are to be avoided. The coldest day I have +ever known was New Year's Day 1888, when the thermometer at Ottawa +registered 41 degrees below, or 73 degrees of frost. The air was +quite still, as it invariably is with great cold, but every breath +taken gave one a sensation of being pinched on the nose, as the +moisture in the nostrils froze together. + +The weekly club-dances of the Ottawa Skating Club were a pretty +sight. They were held in a covered public rink, gay with many +flags, with garlands of artificial flowers and foliage, and +blazing with sizzling arc-lights. These people, accustomed to +skates from their earliest childhood, could dance as easily and as +gracefully on them as on their feet, whilst fur-muffled mothers +sat on benches round the rink, drinking tea and coffee as +unconcernedly as though they were at a garden-party in mid-July +instead of in a temperature of zero. An "Ottawa March" was a great +institution. Couples formed up as though for a country dance, the +band struck up some rollicking tune, the leader shouted his +directions, and fifty couples whirled and twirled, and skated +backwards or forwards as he ordered, going through the most +complicated evolutions, in pairs or fours or singly, joining here, +parting there, but all in perfect time. Woe betide the leader +should he lose his head! A hundred people would get tangled up in +a hideous confusion, and there was nothing for it but to begin all +over again. + +It is curious that in countries like England and Prance, where +from the climatic conditions skating must be a very occasional +amusement, there is a special word for the pastime, and that in +Germany and Russia, where every winter brings its skating as a +matter of course, there should be no word for it. "Skate" in +English, and patiner in French, mean propelling oneself on iron +runners over ice, and nothing else; whereas in German there is +only the clumsy compound-word Schlittschuh-laufen, which means "to +run on sledge shoes," and in Russian it is called in equally +roundabout fashion Katatsa-na-konkach, or literally "to roll on +little horses," hardly a felicitous expression. As a rule people +have no word for expressing a thing which does not come within +their own range of experience; for instance, no one would expect +that Arabs, or Somalis, or the inhabitants of the Sahara would +have any equivalent for either skating or tobogganing, nor do I +imagine that the Eskimo have any expression for "sunstroke" or +"heat-apoplexy," but one would have thought that Russians and +Germans might have evolved a word for skating. + +Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the +extraordinary difficulty he had found in translating the Bible +into Eskimo. It was useless to talk of corn or wine to a people +who did not know even what they meant, so he had to use +equivalents within their powers of comprehension. Thus in the +Eskimo version of the Scriptures the miracle of Cana of Galilee is +described as turning the water into BLUBBER; the 8th verse of the +5th chapter of the First Epistle of St. Peter ran: "Your adversary +the devil, as a roaring Polar BEAR walketh about, seeking whom he +may devour." In the same way "A land flowing with milk and honey" +became "A land flowing with whale's blubber," and throughout the +New Testament the words "Lamb of God" had to be translated "little +Seal of God," as the nearest possible equivalent. The missionary +added that his converts had the lowest opinion of Jonah for not +having utilised his exceptional opportunities by killing and +eating the whale. + +Fired by the example of the builders of the ice-palace on the rink +at Rideau Hall, I offered to build for the Lansdowne children an +ice-hut for their very own, a chilly domicile which they had +ardently longed for. As it is my solitary achievement as an +architect, I must dwell rather lovingly on the building of this +hut. The professional ice-cutters were bringing up daily a large +supply of great gleaming transparent blocks from the river, both +for the building of the band-house and for the summer supply of +Rideau Hall, so there was no lack of material. On the American +continent one is being told so constantly that this-and-that "will +cut no ice," that it is satisfactory to be able to report that +those French-Canadians cut ice in the most efficient fashion. My +sole building implement was a kettle of boiling water. I placed +ice-blocks in a circle, pouring boiling water between each two +blocks to melt the points of contact, and in half an hour they had +frozen into one solid lump. I and a friend proceeded like this +till the ice-walls were about four feet high, spaces being left +for the door and windows. As the blocks became too heavy to lift, +we used great wads of snow in their stead, melting them with cold +water and kneading them into shape with thick woollen gloves, and +so the walls rose. I wanted a snow roof; had we been mediaeval +cathedral builders we might possibly have fashioned a groined and +vaulted snow roof, with ice ribs, but being amateurs, our roof +perpetually collapsed, so we finally roofed the hut with grooved- +and-tongued boards, cutting a hole through them for the chimney. +We then built a brick fire-place, with mantelpiece complete, +ending in an iron chimney. The windows were our great triumph. I +filled large japanned tea-trays two inches deep with water and +left them out to freeze. Then we placed the trays in a hot bath +and floated the sheets of ice off. They broke time and time again, +but after about the twentieth try we succeeded in producing two +great sheets of transparent ice which were fitted into the window- +spaces, and firmly cemented in place with wet snow. Then the +completed hut had to be furnished. A carpenter in Ottawa made me a +little dresser, a little table, and little chairs of plain deal; I +bought some cooking utensils, some enamelled-iron tea-things and +plates, and found in Ottawa some crude oleographs printed on oil- +cloth and impervious to damp. These were duly hung on the snow +walls of the hut, and the little girls worked some red Turkey- +twill curtains for the ice windows, and a frill for the +mantelpiece in orthodox south of England cottage style. The boys +made a winding tunnel through the snow-drifts up to the door of +the hut, and Nature did the rest, burying the hut in snow until +its very existence was unsuspected by strangers, though it may be +unusual to see clouds of wood-smoke issuing from an apparent snow- +drift. That little house stood for over three months; it afforded +the utmost joy to its youthful occupiers, and I confess that I +took a great paternal pride in it myself. Really at night, with +the red curtains drawn over the ice windows, with the pictures on +its snow walls, a lamp alight and a roaring log fire blazing on +the brick hearth, it was the most invitingly cosy little place. It +is true that with the heat the snow walls perspired freely, and +the roof was apt to drip like a fat man in August, but it was +considered tactful to ignore these details. Here the children +entertained their friends at tea-parties, and made hideous +juvenile experiments in cookery; here, too, "Jerusalem the Golden" +was prepared. It was a simple operation; milk and honey were +thoroughly mixed in a bowl, the bowl was put out to freeze, and +the frozen mass dipped into hot water to loosen it; "Jerusalem the +Golden" was then broken up small, and the toothsome chips eagerly +devoured. Those familiar with the hymn will at once understand the +allusion. + +Sir John Macdonald, the Prime Minister, was very often at +Government House, and dined there perpetually. When at the +Petrograd Embassy, I was constantly hearing of Sir John from my +chief, Lord Dufferin, who had an immense admiration for him, and +considered him the maker of the Dominion, and a really great +statesman. I was naturally anxious to meet a man of whom I had +heard so much. "John A.," as he was universally known in Canada, +had a very engaging personality, and conveyed an impression of +having an enormous reserve of latent force behind his genial +manner. Facially he was reminiscent of Lord Beaconsfield, but +there was nothing very striking about him as an orator: his style +was direct and straightforward. + +The Houses of Parliament at Ottawa are a splendid pile of +buildings, and though they may owe a great deal to the wonderful +site they occupy on a semicircular wooded bluff projecting into +the river, I should consider them one of the most successful group +of buildings erected anywhere during the nineteenth century. All +the details might not bear close examination, but the general +effect was admirable, especially that of the great circular +library, with its conical roof. In addition to the Legislative +Chambers proper, two flanking buildings in the same style housed +various Administrative departments. Seen from Rideau Hall in dark +silhouette against the sunset sky, the bold outline of the conical +roof of the library and the three tall towers flanking it gave a +sort of picturesque Nuremberg effect to the distant view of +Ottawa, The Parliament buildings proper were destroyed by an +incendiary during the war, but the library and wings escaped. + +Everything in the House of Commons was modelled accurately on +Westminster. The Canadian Parliament being bi-lingual, French +members addressed the Speaker as "Monsieur l'Orateur," and the +Usher of the Black Rod of the Senate became "l'Huissier de la +Verge Noire." To my mind there was something intensely comical in +addressing a man who seldom opened his mouth except to cry, +"Order, order," as "Monsieur l'Orateur." A Frenchman from the +Province of Quebec seems always to be chosen as Canadian Speaker. +In my time he was a M. Ouiment, the TWENTY-FIRST child of the same +parents, so French Canadians are apparently not threatened with +extinction. I heard in the House of Commons at Ottawa the most +curious peroration I have ever listened to. It came from the late +Nicholas Flood Davin, a member of Irish extraction who sat for a +Far-Western constituency. The House was debating a dull Bill +relating to the lumber industry, when Davin, who may possibly have +been under the influence of temporary excitement, insisted on +speaking. He made a long and absolutely irrelevant speech in a +voice of thunder, and finished with these words, every one of +which I remember: "There are some who declare that Canada's trade +is declining; there are some who maintain that the rich glow of +health which at present mantles o'er Canada's virgin cheek will +soon be replaced by the pallid hues of the corpse. To such +pusillanimous propagandists of a preposterous pessimism, I answer, +Mr. Speaker with all confidence, never! never!" As a rhetorical +effort this is striking, though there seems a lack of lucidity +about it. + +In the Canadian House of Commons there are a number of little +pages who run errands for members, and fetch them books and +papers. These boys sit on the steps of the Speaker's chair, and +when the House adjourns for dinner the pages hold a "Pages' +Parliament." One boy, elected by the others as Speaker, puts on a +gown and seats himself in the Speaker's chair; the "Prime +Minister" and the members of the Government sit on the Government +benches, the Leader of the Opposition with his supporters take +their places opposite and the boys hold regular debates. Many of +the members took great interest in the "Pages' Parliament," and +coached the boys for their debates. I have seen Sir John Macdonald +giving the fourteen-year-old "Premier" points for his speech that +evening. + +All-night sittings were far rarer at Ottawa than with us, and +constituted quite an event. Some of us went into the gallery at 5 +a.m. after a dance, to see the end of a long and stormy sitting. +The House was very uproarious. Some member had brought in a +cricket-ball, and they were throwing each other catches across the +House. To the credit of Canadian M.P.'s, I must say that we never +saw a single catch missed. When Sir John rose to close the debate, +there were loud cries of, "You have talked enough, John A. Give us +a song instead." "All right," cried Sir John, "I will give you +'God save the Queen.'" And he forthwith started it in a lusty +voice, all the members joining in. The introduction of a cricket- +ball might brighten all-night sittings in our own Parliament, +though somehow I cannot quite picture to myself Mr. Asquith +throwing catches to Sir Frederick Banbury across the floor of the +House of Commons. + +I was once in the gallery of the South African Parliament at +Capetown, after the House had been sitting continuously for twenty +hours. The Speaker had had a stool brought him to rest his legs +on, and was fast asleep in his chair, with his wig all awry. Dutch +farmer members from the Back-Veld were stretched out at full +length on the benches in the lobbies, snoring loudly; in fact, the +whole place was a sort of Parliamentary Pullman Sleeping-car. +That splendid man, the late General Botha, told me that late hours +in Parliament upset him terribly, as he had been used all his life +to going early to bed. Though the exterior of the Capetown +Parliament buildings is nothing very wonderful architecturally, +the interior is very handsome, and quite surprisingly spacious. + +The Governor-General gave two evening skating and tobaggoning +parties at Rideau Hall every winter. He termed these gatherings +his "Arctic Cremornes," after the then recently defunct gardens in +London, and the parties were wonderfully picturesque. In those +days, though the fashion now has quite disappeared, all members of +snow-shoe and tobogganing clubs, men and women alike, wore +coloured blanket-suits consisting of knickerbockers and long +coats, with bright-coloured stockings, sash, and knitted toque +(invariably pronounced "tuke"). The club colours of course varied. +Rideau Hall was white with purple stockings and "tuke," and red +sash. Others were sky-blue, with scarlet stockings and "tuke," or +crimson and black, or brown and green. A collection of three +hundred people in blanket-suits gave the effect of a peripatetic +rainbow against the white snow. For the "Arctic Cremorne" the +rinks were all fringed with coloured fairy-lamps; the curling-rink +and the tea-room above it were also outlined with innumerable +coloured electric bulbs, and festoons of Japanese lanterns were +stretched between the fir trees in all directions. At the top of +the toboggan slides powerful arc-lamps blazed, and a stupendous +bonfire roared on a little eminence. The effect was indescribably +pretty, and it was pleasant to reflect how man had triumphed over +Nature in being able to give an outdoor evening party in mid- +winter with the thermometer below zero. The gleaming crystals of +snow reflecting the coloured lamps; the Bengal lights staining the +white expanse crimson and green, and silhouetting the outlines of +the fir trees in dead black against the burnished steel of the +sky; the crowd of guests in their many-coloured blanket-suits, +made a singularly attractive picture, with a note of absolute +novelty in it; and the crash of the military band, the merry whirr +of the skates, and the roar of the descending toboggans had +something extraordinarily exhilarating about them in the keen, +pure air. The supper-room always struck me as being pleasingly +unconventional. Supper was served in the long, covered curling- +rink, where the temperature was the same as that of the open air +outside, so there was a long table elaborately set out with +silver-branched candlesticks and all the Governor-General's fine +collection of plate, but the servants waited in heavy fur-coats +and caps. Of course no flowers could be used in that temperature, +so the silver vases held branches of spruce, hemlock, and other +Canadian firs. The French cook had to be very careful as to what +dishes he prepared, for anything with moisture in it would freeze +at once; meringues, for instance, would be frozen into uneatable +cricket-balls, and tea, coffee, and soup had to simmer perpetually +over lamps. One so seldom has a ball-supper with North Pole +surroundings. We had a serious toboggan accident one night owing +to the stupidity of an old Senator, who insisted on standing in +the middle of the track, and the Aides-de-Camps' room was +converted into an operating theatre, and reeked with the fumes of +chloroform. The young man had bad concussion, and was obliged to +remain a week at Rideau Hall, whilst the poor girl was disfigured +for life. + +Whilst on the subject of ball-suppers, there was a curious custom +prevailing in Lisbon. Most Portuguese having very limited means, +it was not usual to offer any refreshments whatever to guests at +dances; but when it was done, it took the form of a "tooth-pick- +supper" (souper aux curedents). Small pieces of chicken, tongue, +or beef were piled on plates, each piece skewered with a wooden +toothpick. The guests picked these off the plate by the toothpick, +and nibbled the meat away from it, eating it with slices of bread. +This obviated the use of plates, knives and forks, most Portuguese +families having neither sufficient silver table-plate for an +entertainment nor the means to hire any. There was another reason +for this quaint custom. Some Portuguese are--how shall we put it?-- +inveterate souvenir-hunters. The Duke of Palmella, one of the +few rich men in Portugal, gave a ball whilst I was in Lisbon at +which the supper was served in the ordinary fashion, with plates, +spoons, knives and forks. It was a matter of common knowledge in +Lisbon that 50 per cent. of the ducal silver spoons and forks had +left the house in the pockets of his Grace's guests, who doubtless +wished to preserve a slight memento of so pleasant an evening. + +In a certain Balkan State which I will refrain from naming, the +inhabitants are also confirmed souvenir-hunters. At a dinner-party +at the British Legation in this nameless State, one of the +Diplomatic ladies was wearing a very fine necklace of pearls and +enamel. A native of the State admired this necklace immensely, and +begged for permission to examine it closer. The Diplomat's wife +very unwisely unfastened her pearl necklace, and it was passed +around from hand to hand, amidst loud expressions of admiration at +its beautiful workmanship. At the end of dinner the Diplomatic +lady requested that her necklace might be returned to her, but it +was not forthcoming; no one knew anything about it. The British +Minister, who thought that he understood the people of the +country, rose to the occasion. Getting up from his chair, he said +with a smile, "We have just witnessed a very clever and very +amusing piece of legerdemain. Now we are going to see another +little piece of conjuring." The Minister walked quietly to both +doors of the room, locked them, and put the keys in his pocket. He +then placed a small silver bowl from the side-board in the centre +of the dinner-table, and continued: "I am now going to switch off +all the lights, and to count ten slowly. When I have reached ten, +I shall turn on the lights again, and hey presto! Madame de--'s +necklace will be found lying in that silver bowl!" The room became +plunged in darkness, and the Minister counted slowly up to ten. +The electric light blazed out again, there was no necklace, but +the silver bowl had vanished! + +I have enjoyed the exceptional experience of having inspected many +convents in Canada, even those of the most strictly cloistered +Orders. By long-established custom, the Governor-General's wife +has the right to inspect any convent in Canada on giving twenty- +four hours' notice, and she may take with her any two persons she +chooses, of either sex. My sister was fond of visiting convents, +and she often took me with her as I could speak French. We have +thus been in convents of Ursulines, Poor Clares, Grey Sisters, and +in some of those of the more strictly cloistered Orders. The +procedure was always the same. We were ushered into a beautifully +clean, bare, whitewashed parloir, with a highly polished floor +redolent of beeswax. There would be hard benches running round the +parloir, raised on a platform, much after the fashion of raised +benches in a billiard-room. In the centre would be a chair for the +Reverend Mother. We then made polite conversation for a few +minutes, after which coffee (usually compounded of scorched beans, +with no relation whatever to "Coffea Arabica") was handed to us, +and we went over the convent. It was extremely difficult for two +Protestants to find any subject of conversation which could +interest a Mother Superior who knew nothing of the world outside +her convent walls, nor was it easy to find any common ground on +which to meet her, all religious topics being necessarily +excluded, I had noticed that the nuns made frequent allusions to a +certain Marie Alacoque. Misled by the similarity of the sound in +French, I, in my ignorance, thought that this referred to a method +of cooking eggs. I learnt later that Marie Alacoque was a French +nun who lived in the seventeenth century, and I discovered why her +memory was so revered by her co-religionists. It was easy to get a +book from the Ottawa Library and to read her up, and after that +conversation became less difficult, for a few remarks about Marie +Alacoque were always appreciated in conventual circles. The +convents were invariably neat and clean, but I was perpetually +struck by the wax-like pallor of the inmates. The elder nuns in +the strictly cloistered Orders were as excited as children over +this unexpected irruption into their convent of two strangers from +the world outside, which they had left for so long. They struck me +as most excellent, earnest women, and they delighted in exhibiting +all their treasures, including the ecclesiastical vestments and +their Church plate. They always made a point of showing us, as an +object of great interest, the flat candlestick of bougie that the +Cardinal-Archbishop had used when he had last celebrated +Pontifical High Mass in their chapel. In one strictly cloistered +convent there was a high wooden trellis across the chapel, so that +though the nuns could see the priest at the altar through the +trellis-work, he was unable to see them. In the Convent of the +Grey Sisters at Ottawa we found an old English nun who, in spite +of having spent thirty-five years in a French-Canadian convent, +still retained the strong Cockney accent of her native London. She +was a cheery old soul, and, with another old English nun, had +charge of the wardrobe, which they insisted on showing me. I was +gazing at piles of clothing neatly arranged on shelves, when the +old Cockney nun clapped her hands. "We will dress you up as a +Sister," she cried, and they promptly proceeded to do so. They put +me on a habit (largest size) over my other clothes, chuckling with +glee meanwhile, and I was duly draped in the guimpe, the piece of +linen which covers a nun's head and shoulders and frames her face, +called, I believe, in English a "wimple," and my toilet was +complete except for my veil, when, by a piece of real bad luck, +the Reverend Mother and my sister came into the room. We had no +time to hide, so we were caught. Having no moustache, I flattered +myself that I made rather a saintly-looking novice, and I hid my +hands in the orthodox way in my sleeves, but the Mother Superior +was evidently very much put out. The clothes that had come in +contact with my heretical person were ordered to be placed on one +side, I presume to be morally disinfected, and I can only trust +that the two old nuns did not get into serious trouble over their +little joke. I am sorry that my toilet was not completed; I should +like to have felt that just for once in my life I had taken the +veil, if for five minutes only. + +In the "eighties" the city of Montreal spent large sums over their +Winter Carnival. It attracted crowds of strangers, principally +from the United States, and it certainly stimulated the retail +trade of the city. The Governor-General was in the habit of taking +a house in Montreal for the Carnival, and my brother-in-law was +lent the home of a hospitable sugar magnate. The dining-room of +this house, in which its owner had allowed full play to his +Oriental imagination and love of colour, was so singular that it +merits a few words of description. The room was square, with a +domed ceiling. It was panelled in polished satinwood to a height +of about five feet. Above the panelling were placed twelve owls in +carved and silvered wood, each one about two feet high, supporting +gas-standards. Rose-coloured silk was stretched from the panelling +up to the heavy frieze, consisting of "swags" of fruit and foliage +modelled in high relief, and brilliantly coloured in their natural +hues. The domed ceiling was painted sky-blue, covered with golden +stars, gold and silver suns and moons, and the signs of the +Zodiac. I may add that the effect of this curious apartment was +not such as to warrant any one trying to reproduce it. The house +also contained a white marble swimming bath; an unnecessary +adjunct, I should have thought, to a dwelling built for winter +occupation in Montreal. + +The Ice-Castle erected by the Municipality was really a joy to the +eye. It was rather larger than, say, the Westminster Guildhall, +and had a tower eighty feet high. It was an admirable reproduction +of a Gothic castle, designed and built by a competent architect, +with barbican, battlements, and machiocolaions all complete, the +whole of gleaming, transparent ice-blocks, a genuine thing of +beauty. One of the principal events of the Carnival was the +storming of the Ice-Castle by the snow-shoe clubs of Montreal. +Hundreds of snow-shoers, in their rainbow-hued blanket suits, +advanced in line on the castle and fired thousands of Roman +candles at their objective, which returned the fire with rockets +innumerable, and an elaborate display of fireworks, burning +continually Bengal lights of various colours within its +translucent walls, and spouting gold and silver rain on its +assailants. It really was a gorgeous feast of colour for the eye, +a most entrancing spectacle, with all this polychrome glow seen +against the dead-white field of snow which covered Dominion +Square, in the crystal clearness of a Canadian winter night, with +the thermometer down anywhere. + +Another annual feature of the Carnival was the great fancy-dress +skating fete in the covered rink. The Victoria Rink at Montreal is +a huge building, and was profusely decorated for the occasion with +the usual flags, wreaths of artificial foliage, and coloured +lamps. An American sculptor had modelled six colossal groups of +statuary out of wet snow, and these were ranged down either side +of the rink. As they froze, they took on the appearance and +texture of white marble, and were very effective. Round a cluster +of arc-lights in the roof there was a sort of revolving cage of +different coloured panes of glass; these threw variegated beams of +light over the brilliant kaleidoscopic crowd below. Previous +Governors-General had, in opening the fete shuffled shamefacedly +down the centre of the rink in overshoes and fur coats to the +dais, but Lord and Lady Lansdowne, being both expert skaters, +determined to do the thing in proper Carnival style, and arrived +in fancy dress, he in black as a Duke of Brunswick, she as Mary +Queen of Scots, attended by her two boys, then twelve and fourteen +years old, as pages, resplendent in crimson tights and crimson +velvet. The band struck up "God Save the Queen," and down the +cleared space in the centre skimmed, hand-in-hand, the Duke of +Brunswick and Mary Queen of Scots, with the two pages carrying her +train, all four executing a "Dutch roll" in the most workman-like +manner. It was really a very effective entrance, and was immensely +appreciated by the crowd of skaters present. I represented a +Shakespearean character, and had occasion to note what very +inadequate protection is afforded by blue silk tights, with +nothing under them, against the cold of a Canadian February. One +of the Aides-de-Camp had arrayed himself in white silk as Romeo; +being only just out from England, he was anything but firm on his +skates. Some malicious young Montrealers of tender age, noticing +this, deliberately bumped into him again and again, sending his +conspicuous white figure spinning each time. Poor Romeo's +experiences were no more fortunate on the rink than in the tragedy +associated with his name; by the end of the evening, after his +many tumbles, his draggled white silk dress suggested irresistibly +the plumage of a soiled dove. + +A hill (locally known as "The Mountain") rises immediately behind +Montreal, the original Mont Real, or Mount Royal, from which the +city derives its name. This naturally lends itself to the +formation of toboggan slides, and one of them, the "Montreal Club +Slide," was really terrifically steep. The start was precipitous +enough, in all conscience, but soon came a steep drop of sixty +feet, at which point all the working parts of one's anatomy seemed +to leave one, to replace themselves at the finish only. The pace +was so tremendous that it was difficult to breathe, but it was +immensely exciting. The Montreal slide was just one-third of a +mile long, and the time occupied in the descent on good ice was +about twenty seconds, working out at sixty miles an hour. Every +precaution was taken against accidents; there was a telephone from +the far end, and no toboggan was allowed to start until "track +clear" had been signalled. Everything in this world is relative. +We had thought our Ottawa slides very fast, though the greatest +speed we ever attained was about thirty miles an hour, whilst at +home we had been delighted if we could coax fifteen miles an hour +out of our rough machines. The Lansdowne boys were very expert on +toboggans, and could go down the Ottawa slides standing erect, a +thing no adult could possibly manage. They had fitted their +machines with gong-bells and red and green lanterns, and the +"Ottawa River Express" would come whizzing down at night with +bells clanging and lights gleaming. + +I can claim to be the absolute pioneer of ski on the American +continent, for in January, 1887, I brought my Russian ski to +Ottawa, the very first pair that had ever been seen in the New +World. I coasted down hills on them amidst universal jeers; every +one declared that they were quite unsuited to Canadian conditions. +The old-fashioned raquettes had their advantages, for one could +walk over the softest snow in them. Here, again, I fancy that it +was the sense of man triumphant over Nature that made snow-shoeing +so attractive. The Canadian snow-shoe brings certain unaccustomed +muscles into play, and these muscles show their resentment by +aching furiously. The French habitants term this pain mal de +raquettes. In my time snow-shoe tramps at night, across-country +into the woods, were one of the standard winter amusements of +Ottawa, and the girls showed great dexterity in vaulting fences +with their snow-shoes on. + +A Canadian winter is bathed in sunshine. In the dry, crisp +atmosphere distant objects are as clear-cut and hard as though +they were carved out of wood; the air is like wine, and with every +breath human beings seem to enter on a new lease of life. + +It is not so in the lower world. There is not a bird to be seen, +for no bird could secure a living with three feet of snow on the +ground. Nature is very dead, and I understood the glee with which +the children used to announce the return of the crows, for these +wise birds are the unfailing harbingers of Spring. With us Spring +is undecided, fickle, and coy. She is not sure of herself, and +after making timid, tentative advances, retreats again, uncertain +as to her ability to cope with grim Winter. In Canada, Spring +comes with an all-conquering rush. In one short fortnight she +clothes the trees in green, and carpets the ground with blue and +white hepaticas. She is also, unfortunately, accompanied by +myriads of self-appointed official maids-of-honour in the shape of +mosquitoes, anxious to make up for their long winter fast. As the +fierce suns of April melt the surface snow, the water percolates +through to the ground, where it freezes again, forming a sheet of +what Canadians term "glare-ice." I have seen at Rideau Hall this +ice split in all directions over the flower-beds by the first +tender shoots of the crocuses. How these fragile little spears of +green have the power to penetrate an inch of ice is one of the +mysteries of Nature. + +Would space admit of it, and were paper not such an unreasonably +expensive commodity just now, I would like to speak of the glories +of a Canadian wood in May, with the ground flecked with red and +white trilliums; of the fields in British Columbia, gorgeous in +spring-time with blue lilies and drifts of rose-coloured +cyclamens; of the autumn woods in their sumptuous dress of +scarlet, crimson, orange, and yellow, the sugar-maples blazing +like torches against the dark firs; of the marvels of the three +ranges of the Rockies, Selkirks, and Cascades, and of the other +wonders of the great Dominion. + +As boys, I and my youngest brother knew "Hiawatha's Fishing" +almost by heart, so I had an intense desire to see "Gitche Gumee, +the Big-Sea Water," which we more prosaically call Lake Superior, +the home of the sturgeon "Nahma," of "Ugudwash" the sun-fish, of +the pike the "Maskenozha," and the actual scene of Hiawatha's +fishing. To others, without this sentimental interest, the Great +Lakes might appear vast but uninteresting expanses of water, +chiefly remarkable for the hideous form of vessel which has been +evolved to navigate their clear depths. + +One thing I can say with confidence. No one who makes a winter +journey to that land of sunshine and snow, with its energetic, +pleasant, and hospitable inhabitants, will ever regret it, and the +wayfarer will return home with the consciousness of having been in +contact with an intensely virile race, only now beginning to +realise its own strength. + + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +Calcutta--Hooghly pilots--Government House--A Durbar--The sulky +Rajah--The customary formalities--An ingenious interpreter--The +sailing clippers in the Hooghly-Calcutta Cathedral--A succulent +banquet--The mistaken Ministre--The "Gordons"--Barrackpore--A +Swiss Family Robinson aerial house--The child and the elephants-- +The merry midshipmen--Some of their escapades--A huge haul of +fishes--Queen Victoria and Hindustani--The Hills--The Manipur +outbreak--A riding tour--A wise old Anglo-Indian--Incidents--The +fidelity of native servants--A novel printing-press--Lucknow--The +loss of an illusion. + + Lord Lansdowne had in 1888 been transferred from Canada to India, +and in May of that year he left Ottawa for Calcutta, taking on the +way a three months' well-earned holiday in England. Two of his +staff accompanied him from the vigorous young West to the +immemorially old East. + +He succeeded as Viceroy Lord Dufferin, who had also held the +appointment of Governor-General of Canada up to 1878, after which +he had served as British Ambassador both at Petrograd and at +Constantinople, before proceeding to India in 1884. + +Lord Minto, too, in later years filled both positions, serving in +Canada from 1898 to 1904, and in India from 1905 to 1910. + +Whether in 1690 Job Charnock made a wise selection in fixing his +trading-station where Calcutta now stands, may be open to doubt. +He certainly had the broad Hooghly at his doors, affording plenty +of water not only for trading-vessels, but also for men-of-war in +cases of emergency. Still, from the swampy nature of the soil, and +its proximity to the great marshes of the Sunderbunds, Calcutta +could never be a really healthy place. An arrival by water up the +Hooghly unquestionably gives the most favourable impression of the +Indian ex-capital, though the river banks are flat and +uninteresting. The Hooghly is one of the most difficult rivers in +the world to navigate, for the shoals and sand-banks change almost +daily with the strong tides, and the white Hooghly pilots are men +at the very top of their profession, and earn some L2000 a year +apiece. They are tremendous swells, and are perfectly conscious of +the fact, coming on board with their native servants and their +white "cub" or pupil. There is one shoal in particular, known as +the "James and Mary," on which a ship, touching ever so lightly, +is as good as lost. Calcutta, since I first knew it, has become a +great manufacturing centre. Lines of factories stand for over +twenty miles thick on the left bank of the river; the great pall +of black smoke hanging over the city is visible for miles, and the +atmosphere is beginning to rival that of Manchester. Long use has +accustomed us to the smoke-blackened elms and limes of London, but +there is something peculiarly pathetic in the sight of a grimy, +sooty palm tree. + +The outward aspect of the stately Government House at Calcutta is +familiar to most people. It is a huge and imposing edifice, but +when I first knew it, its interior was very plain, and rather +bare. Lady Minto changed all this during her husband's Vice- +royalty, and, with her wonderful taste, transformed it into a sort +of Italian palace at a very small cost. She bought in Europe a few +fine specimens of old Italian gilt furniture, and had them copied +in Calcutta by native workmen. In the East, the Oriental point of +view must be studied, and Easterns attach immense importance to +external splendour. The throne-room at Calcutta, under Lady +Minto's skilful treatment, became gorgeous enough for the most +exacting Asiatic, with its black marble floor, its rose-coloured +silk walls where great silver sconces alternated with full-length +portraits of British sovereigns, its white "chunam" columns and +its gilt Italian furniture. "Chunam" has been used in India from +time immemorial for decorative purposes. It is as white as snow +and harder than any stone, and is, I believe, made from calcined +shells. Let us suppose a Durbar held in this renovated throne-room +for the official reception of a native Indian Prince. The +particular occasion I have in mind was long after Lord Lansdowne's +time, when a certain Rajah, notoriously ill-disposed towards the +British Raj, had been given the strongest of hints that unless he +mended his ways, he might find another ruler placed on the throne +of his State. He was also recommended to come to Calcutta and to +pay his respects to the Viceroy there, when, of course, he would +be received with the number of guns to which he was entitled. The +Indian Princes attach the utmost importance to the number of guns +they are given as a salute, a number which varies from twenty-one +in the case of the Nizam of Hyderabad, who alone ranks as a +Sovereign, to nine for the smaller princes. Should the British +Government wish to mark its strong displeasure with any native +ruler, it sometimes does so by reducing the number of guns of his +salute, and correspondingly, to have the number increased is a +high honour. Sulkily and unwillingly the Rajah of whom I am +thinking journeyed to Calcutta, and sulkily and unwillingly did he +attend the Durbar. On occasions such as these, visiting native +Princes are the guests of the Government of India at Hastings +House (Warren Hastings' old country house in the suburbs of +Calcutta, specially renovated and fitted up for the purpose), and +the Viceroy's state carriages are sent to convey them to +Government House. Everything in the way of ceremonial in India is +done strictly by rule. The precise number of steps the Viceroy +will advance to greet visiting Rajahs is all laid down in a little +book. The Nizam of Hyderabad is met by the Viceroy with all his +staff at the state entrance of Government House, and he is +accompanied through all the rooms, both on his arrival and on his +departure; but, as I said before, the Nizam ranks as a Sovereign. +In the case of lesser lights the Viceroy advances anything from +three to twenty steps. These points may appear very trivial to +Europeans, but to Orientals they assume great importance, and, +after all, India is a part of Asia. At right angles to the +Calcutta throne-room is the fine Marble Hall, with marble floor +and columns and an entirely gilt ceiling; empty except for six +colossal busts of Roman Emperors, which, together with a number of +splendid cut-glass chandeliers of the best French Louis XV. +period, and a full-length portrait of Louis XV. himself, fell into +our hands through the fortunes of war at a time when our relations +with our present film ally, France, were possibly less cordial +than at present. For a Durbar a long line of red carpet was laid +from the throne-room, through the Marble Hall and the White Hall +beyond it, right down the great flight of exterior steps, at the +foot of which a white Guard of Honour of one hundred men from a +British regiment was drawn up, Aligned through the outer hall, the +Marble Hall and the throne-room were one hundred men of the +Viceroy's Bodyguard, splendid fellows chosen for their height and +appearance, and all from Northern India. They wore the white +leather breeches and jack-boots of our own Life Guards, with +scarlet tunics and huge turbans of blue and gold, standing with +their lances as motionless as so many bronze statues. For a +Durbar, many precious things were unearthed from the "Tosha- +Khana," or Treasury: the Viceroy's silver-gilt throne; an arm- +chair of solid silver for the visiting Rajah; great silver-gilt +maces bearing & crown and "V.R.I."; and, above all, the beautiful +Durbar carpets of woven gold wire. The making of these carpets is, +I believe, an hereditary trade in a Benares family; they are woven +of real gold wire, heavily embroidered in gold afterwards, and are +immensely expensive. The visiting Rajah announces beforehand the +number of the suite he is bringing with him, and the Viceroy has a +precisely similar number, so two corresponding rows of cane arm- +chairs are placed opposite each other, at right angles to the +throne. Behind the chairs twelve resplendent red-and-gold-coated +servants with blue-and-silver turbans, hold the gilt maces aloft, +whilst behind the throne eight more gorgeously apparelled natives +hold two long-handled fans of peacock's feathers, two silver- +mounted yak's tails, and two massive sheaves of peacock's +feathers, all these being the Eastern emblems of sovereignty. + +We will suppose this particular Rajah to be a "nine-gun" and a +"three-step" man. Bang go the cannon from Fort William nine times, +and the Viceroy, in full uniform with decorations, duly advances +three steps on the gold carpet to greet his visitor. The Viceroy +seats himself on his silver-gilt throne at the top of the three +steps, the visiting Rajah in his silver chair being one step +lower. The two suites seat themselves facing each other in dead +silence; the Europeans assuming an absolutely Oriental impassivity +of countenance. The ill-conditioned Rajah, though he spoke English +perfectly, had insisted on bringing his own interpreter with him. +A long pause in conformity with Oriental etiquette follows, then +the Viceroy puts the first invariable question: "I trust that your +Highness is in the enjoyment of good health?" which is duly +repeated in Urdu by the official white interpreter. The sulky +Rajah grunts something that sounds like "Bhirrr Whirrr," which the +native interpreter renders, in clipped staccato English, as "His +Highness declares that by your Excellency's favour his health is +excellent. Lately, owing to attack of fever, it was with His +Highness what Immortal Bard has termed a case of 'to be or not to +be!' Now, danger happily averted, His Highness has seldom reposed +under the canopy of a sounder brain than at present." Another long +pause, and the second invariable question: "I trust that your +Highness' Army is in its usual efficient state?" The surly Rajah, +"Khirr Virr." The native interpreter, "Without doubt His Highness' +Army has never yet been so efficient. Should troubles arise, or a +pretty kettle of fish unfortunately occur, His Highness places his +entire Army at your Excellency's disposal; as Swan of Avon says, +'Come the three corners of the world in arms, and we shall shock +them.'" A third question, "I trust that the crops in your +Highness' dominion are satisfactory?" The Rajah, "Ghirrr Firrr." +The interpreter, "Stimulated without doubt by your Excellency's +auspicious visit to neighbouring State, the soil in His Highness' +dominions has determined to beat record and to go regular mucker. +Crops tenfold ordinary capacity are springing from the ground +everywhere." One has seen a conjurer produce half a roomful of +paper flowers from a hat, or even from an even less promising +receptacle, but no conjurer was in it with that interpreter, who +from two sulky monosyllabic grunts evolved a perfect garland of +choice Oriental flowers of speech. It reminded me of the process +known in newspaper offices as "expanding" a telegram. When the +customary number of formal questions have been put, the Viceroy +makes a sign to his Military Secretary, who brings him a gold tray +on which stand a little gold flask and a small box; the +traditional "Attar and pan." The Viceroy sprinkles a few drops of +attar of roses on the Rajah's clothing from the gold flask, and +hands him a piece of betel-nut wrapped in gold paper, known as +"pan." This is the courteous Eastern fashion of saying "Now I bid +you good-bye." The Military Secretary performs a like office to +the members of the Rajah's suite, who, however, have to content +themselves with attar sprinkled from a silver bottle and "pans" +wrapped in silver paper. Then all the traditional requirements of +Oriental politeness have been fulfilled, and the Rajah takes his +leave with the same ceremonies as attended his arrival. At the +beginning of a Durbar "tribute" is presented--that is to say that +a folded napkin supposed to contain one thousand gold mohurs is +handed to the Viceroy, who "touches it and remits it." I have +often wondered what that folded napkin really contained. + +When I first knew Calcutta, most of the grain, jute, hemp and +indigo exported was carried to its various destinations in +sailing-ships, and there were rows and rows of splendid full- +rigged ships and barques lying moored in the Hooghly along the +whole length of the Maidan. The line must have extended for two +miles, and I never tired of looking at these beautiful vessels +with their graceful lines and huge spars, all clean and spick and +span with green and white paint, the ubiquitous Calcutta crows +perched in serried ranks on their yards. To my mind a full-rigged +ship is the most beautiful object man has ever devised, and when +the dusk was falling, with every spar and rope outlined in black +against the vivid crimson of the short-lived Indian sunset, the +long line of shipping made a glorious picture. Nineteen years +later every sailing-ship had disappeared from the Hooghly, and in +their place were rows of unsightly, rusty-sided iron tanks, with +squat polemasts and ugly funnels vomiting black smoke. A tramp- +steamer has its uses, no doubt, but it is hardly a thing of +beauty. Ichabod! Ichabod! + +Calcutta is fortunate in having so fine a lung as the great +stretch of the Maidan. It has been admirably planted and laid out, +with every palm of tree of aggressively Indian appearance +carefully excluded from its green expanse, so it wears a curiously +home-like appearance. The Maidan is very reminiscent of Hyde Park, +though almost double its size. There is one spot, where the Gothic +spire of the cathedral emerges from a mass of greenery, with a +large sheet of water in the foreground, which recalls exactly the +view over Bayswater from the bridge spanning the Serpentine. + +Considering that Calcutta Cathedral was built in 1840; that it was +designed by an Engineer officer, and not by an architect; that its +"Gothic" is composed of cast-iron and stucco instead of stone, it +is really not such a bad building. The great size of its interior +gives it a certain dignity, and owing to the generosity of the +European community, it is most lavishly adorned with marbles, +mosaics, and stained glass. It possesses the finest organ in Asia, +and a really excellent choir, the men Europeans, the boys being +Eurasians. These small half-castes have very sweet voices, with a +curious and not unpleasing metallic timbre about them. At evening +service in the cathedral, should one ignore such details as the +rows of electric punkahs, the temperature, and the dingy +complexions of the choir-boys, it was almost impossible to realise +that one was not in England. I had been used to singing in a +church choir, and it was pleasant to hear such familiar cathedral +services as Garrett in D, Smart in F, Walmisley in D minor, and +Hopkins in F, so perfectly rendered seven thousand miles away from +home, thanks to that excellent musician, Dr. Slater, the cathedral +organist. + +St. Andrew's Scottish Presbyterian Church stands in its own wooded +grounds in which there are two large ponds, or, as Anglo-Indians +would put it, it stands in a compound with large tanks. The church +is consequently infested with mosquitoes. The last time that I was +in Calcutta, the Gordon Highlanders had just relieved an English +regiment in the fort, and on the first Sunday after their arrival, +four hundred Gordons were marched to a parade service at St. +Andrew's. The most optimistic mosquito had never in his wildest +dreams imagined such a succulent banquet as that afforded by four +hundred bare-kneed, kilted Highlanders, and the mosquitoes made +the fullest use of their unique opportunity. Soon the church +resounded with the vigorous slapping of hands on bare knees and +thighs, as the men endeavoured to kill a few of their little +tormentors. The minister, hearing the loud clapping, but entirely +misapprehending its purport, paused in his sermon, and said, "My +brethren, it is varra gratifying to a minister of the Word to +learn that his remarks meet with the approbation of his hearers, +but I'd have you remember that all applause is strictly oot of +place in the Hoose of God." + +The Gordon Highlanders were originally raised by my great- +grandfather, the fourth Duke of Gordon, in 1794, or perhaps more +accurately, by my great-grandmother, Jean, the beautiful Duchess +of Gordon. Duchess Jean, then in the height of her beauty, +attended every market in the towns round Gordon Castle, and kissed +every recruit who took the guinea she offered. The French Republic +had declared war on Great Britain in 1793, and the Government had +made an urgent appeal for fresh levies of troops. Duchess Jean, by +her novel osculatory methods, raised the Gordons in four months. +My father and mother were married at Gordon Castle in 1832, and +the wedding guests grew so excessively convivial that they carried +everything on the tables at the wedding breakfast, silver plate, +glass, china, and all, down to the bridge at Fochabers, and threw +them into the Spey. We may congratulate ourselves on the fact that +it is no longer incumbent on wedding guests to drink the health of +the newly married couple so fervently, and that a proportional +saving in table fittings can thus be effected. + +Barrackpore, the Viceroy's country place, is unquestionably a +pleasant spot, with its fine park and famous gardens. Like the +Maidan in Calcutta Barrackpore is a very fairly successful attempt +at reproducing England in Asia. With a little make-believe and a +determined attempt to ignore the grotesque outlines of a Hindoo +temple standing on the confines of the park, and the large humps +on the backs of the grazing cattle like the steam domes on railway +engines, it might be possible to imagine oneself at home, until +the illusion is shattered in quite another fashion. There is an +excellent eighteen-hole golf course in Barrackpore park, but when +you hear people talking of the second "brown" there can be no +doubt but that you are in Asia. A "green" would be a palpable +misnomer for the parched grass of an Indian dry season, still a +"brown" comes as a shock at first. The gardens merit their +reputation. There are innumerable ponds, or "tanks," of lotus and +water-lilies of every hue: scarlet, crimson, white, and pure sky- +blue, the latter an importation from Australia. When these are in +flower they are a lovely sight, and perhaps compensate for the +myriads of mosquitoes who find in these ponds an ideal breeding- +place, and assert their presence day and night most successfully. +There are great drifts of Eucharis lilies growing under the +protecting shadows of the trees along shady walks, and the blaze +of colour in the formal garden surrounding the white marble +fountain in front of the house is positively dazzling. The house +was built especially as a hot-weather residence, and as such is +not particularly successful, for it is one of the hottest +buildings in the whole of India. The dining-room is in the centre +of the house, and has no windows whatever; an arrangement which, +though it may shut out the sun, also excludes all fresh air as +well. The bedrooms extend up through two storeys, and are so +extremely lofty that one has the sensation of sleeping in a lift- +shaft. Apart from its heat, the house has a dignified old-world +air about it, with vague hints of Adam decoration in its details. + +The establishment of Government House consisted of five hundred +and twenty servants, all natives, so it could not be termed short- +handed. With so many men, the apparently impossible could be +undertaken. Lord Lansdowne left Calcutta for Barrackpore every +Saturday afternoon. As soon as we had gone into luncheon at +Calcutta on the Saturday, perfect armies of men descended on the +private part of the house and packed up all the little things +about the rooms into big cases. An hour later they were on their +way up the river by steamer, and when we arrived at Barrackpore +for tea, the house looked as though it had been lived in for +weeks, with every object reposing on the tables in precisely the +same position it had occupied earlier in the day in Calcutta. Late +on Sunday night this process was reversed for the return journey +at seven on Monday morning. The Viceroy had a completely fitted-up +office in his smart little white-and-gold yacht, and was able to +get through a great deal of work on his voyage down the Hooghly +before breakfast on Monday mornings. A conscientious Viceroy of +India is one of the hardest-worked men in the world, for he +frequently has ten hours of office work in the day, irrespective +of his other duties. + +An enormous banyan tree stands on the lawn at Barrackpore. I +should be afraid to say how much ground it covers; perhaps nearly +an acre, for these trees throw down aerial suckers which form into +fresh trunks, and so spread indefinitely. Lady Lansdowne thought +she would have a bamboo house built in this great banyan tree for +her little daughter, the same little girl for whom I had built the +snow-hut at Ottawa, for she happens to be my god-daughter. It was +to be a sort of "Swiss Family Robinson" tree-house, infinitely +superior to the house on the tree-tops of Kensington Gardens, +which Wendy destined for Peter Pan. The house was duly built, with +bamboo staircases, and little fenced-off bamboo platforms fitted +with seats and tables, at different levels up the tree. The Swiss +Family Robinson would have gone mad with jealousy at seeing such a +desirable aerial abode, so immeasurably preferable to their own, +and even Wendy might have felt a mild pang of envy. When the house +was completed, one of the Aides-de-Camp inspected it and found a +snake hanging by its tail from a branch right over one of the +little aerial platforms. He reported that the tree was full of +snakes. The risk was too great to run, so prompt orders were given +to demolish the house, and the little girl never enjoyed her tree- +top playground. + +The Viceroy's State elephants were all kept at Barrackpore, and +the elephant-lines had a great attraction for children, especially +for a small great-nephew of mine, now a Lieut.-Colonel, and the +father of a family, then aged six. The child was very fearless, +but the only elephant he was allowed to approach was a venerable +tusker named "Warren Hastings," the very identical elephant on +which Warren Hastings made his first entry into Calcutta. "Warren" +was supposed to be nearly 200 years old, and his temper could be +absolutely relied on. It is curious that natives, in speaking of a +quiet, good-tempered animal, always speak of him as "poor" +(gharib). The little boy was perpetually feeding Warren Hastings +with oranges and bananas, and the two became great friends. It was +a pretty sight seeing the fearless small boy in his white suit, +bare legs, and little sun-helmet, standing in front of the great +beast who could have crushed him to a wafer in one second, and +ordering him in the vernacular, with his shrill child's voice, to +kneel. It was a more curious sight seeing the huge animal at once +obey his little mentor, and, struggling with the infirmities and +rheumatic joints of old age (to which, alas! others besides +elephants are subject), lower himself painfully on to his knees. +"Salaam karo" ("Salute me"), piped the white child, and the great +pachyderm instantly obeyed, lifting his trunk high in salute; +which, if you think it out, may have a certain symbolism about it. + +It was the same small boy who on returning to England at the age +of seven, after five years in India, looked out of the windows of +the carriage with immense interest, as they drove through London +from Charing Cross station. "Mother," he piped at length, "this is +a very odd country! All the natives seem to be white here." + +My little great-nephew was immensely petted by the native +servants, and as he could speak the vernacular with greater ease +than English, he picked up from the servants the most appalling +language, which he innocently repeated, entailing his frequent +chastisement. + +I can sympathise with the child there, for at the age of nine, in +Dublin, I became seized with an intense but short-lived desire to +enlist as a trumpeter in a Lancer regiment. Seeing one day a real +live, if diminutive, Lancer trumpeter listening to the band +playing in the Castle yard, I ran down and consulted him as to the +best means of attaining my desire. The small trumpeter was not +particularly intelligent, and was unable to help me. Though of +tender years, he was regrettably lacking in refinement, for his +conversation consisted chiefly of an endless repetition of three +or four words, not one of which I had ever heard before. Carefully +treasuring these up, as having a fine martial smack about them +suitable to the military career I then proposed embracing, I, in +all innocence, fired off one of the trumpeter's full-flavoured +expressions at my horror-stricken family during luncheon, to be +at once ordered out of the room, and severely punished afterwards. +We all know that "what the soldier said" is not legal evidence; in +this painful fashion I also learnt that "what the trumpeter said" +is not held to be a valid excuse for the use of bad language by a +small boy. + +In the late autumn of 1890 Admiral Sir Edmund Fremantle brought +his flagship, the Boadicea, right up the Hooghly, and moored her +alongside the Maidan. The ship remained there for six weeks, the +Admiral taking up his quarters at Government House. My sister Lady +Lansdowne had a mistaken weakness for midshipmen, whom she most +inappropriately termed "those dear little fellows." At that time +midshipmen went to sea at fifteen years of age, so they were much +younger than at present. As these boys were constantly at +Government House, four of us thought that we would lend the +midshipmen our ponies for an early morning ride. The boys all +started off at a gallop, and every one of them was bolted with as +soon as he reached the Maidan. As they had no riding-breeches, +their trousers soon rucked up, exhibiting ample expanses of bare +legs; they had no notion of riding, but managed to stick on +somehow by clinging to pommel and mane, banging here into a sedate +Judge of the High Court, with an apologetic "Sorry, sir, but this +swine of a pony won't steer;" barging there into a pompous Anglo- +Indian official, as they yelled to their ponies, "Easy now, dogs- +body, or you'll unship us both;" galloping as hard as their ponies +could lay legs to the ground, cannoning into half the white +inhabitants of Calcutta, but always with imperturbable good- +humour. When their panting ponies tried to pull up to recover +their wind a little, these rising hopes of the British Navy kicked +them with their heels into a gallop again, shouting strange +nautical oaths, and grinning from ear to ear with delight, until +finally four ponies lathered in sweat, in the last stages of +exhaustion, returned to Government House, and four dripping boys +alighted, declaring that they had had the time of their lives in +spite of a considerable loss of cuticle. It was the same at the +dances at Government House. The smart young subalterns simply +weren't in it; the midshipmen got all the best partners, and, to +do them justice, they could dance very well. They started with the +music and whirled their partners round the room at the top of +their speed, in the furnace temperature of Calcutta, without +drawing rein for one second until the band stopped, when a +dishevelled and utterly exhausted damsel collapsed limply into a +chair, whilst a deliquescent brass-buttoned youth, with a sodden +wisp of white linen and black silk round his neck to indicate the +spot where he had once possessed a collar and tie, endeavoured to +fan his partner into some semblance of coolness again. + +Lady Lansdowne having invited eight midshipmen to spend a Sunday +at Barrackpore, they arrived there by launch with a drag net, +which the Viceroy had given them leave to use on the largest of +the ponds. My sister at once set them down to play lawn-tennis, +hoping to work off some of their superfluous energy in this way. +In honour of the occasion, the midshipmen had extracted their best +white flannels from their chests, and they proceeded to array +themselves in these. The Boadicea, however, had been two years in +commission, the flannels were two years old, and the lads were +just at the age when they were growing most rapidly. They squeezed +themselves with great difficulty into their shrunken garments, +which looked more like tights than trousers, every button and seam +obviously strained to the bursting point, and set to work playing +tennis with their accustomed vigour. Soon there was a sound of +rending cloth, and the senior midshipman, a portly youth of +Teutonic amplitude of outline, lay down flat on his back on the +lawn. A minute later there was a similar sound, and another boy +lay down on his back and remained there, and a third lad quickly +followed their example. A charming lady had noticed this from the +verandah above, and ran down in some alarm, fearing that these +young Nelsons had got sunstrokes. Somewhat confusedly they assured +her that they were quite well, but might they, please, have three +rugs brought them. Otherwise it was impossible for them to move. +With some difficulty three rugs were procured, and, enveloped in +them, they waddled off to their bungalow to assume more decent +apparel. A few minutes later there were two more similar +catastrophes (these garments all seemed to split in precisely the +same spot), and the supply of rugs being exhausted, these boys had +to retreat to their bungalow walking backwards like chamberlains +at a Court function. After luncheon, in the burning heat of +Bengal, most sensible people keep quiet in the shade, but the +midshipmen went off to inspect the great tank, and to decide how +they should drag it. + +Soon we heard loud shoutings from the direction of the tank, and +saw a long string of native servants carrying brown chatties of +hot water towards the pond. We found that the courteous House- +Baboo had informed the midshipmen that the holes in the banks of +the tank were the winter rest-places of cobras. It then occurred +to the boys that it would be capital fun to pour hot water down +the holes, and to kill the cobras with sticks as they emerged from +them. It was a horribly dangerous amusement, for, one bad shot, +and the Royal Navy would unquestionably have had to mourn the loss +of a promising midshipman in two hours' time. When we arrived the +snake-killing was over, and the boys were all refreshing +themselves with large cheroots purloined from the dining-room on +their behalf by a friendly kitmutgar. The dragging of the tank was +really a wonderful sight. As the net reached the far end it was +one solid mass of great shining, blue-grey fish, of about thirty +pounds weight each. The most imaginative artist in depicting the +"Miraculous Draught of Fishes" never approached the reality of +Barrackpore, or pictured such vast quantities of writhing, silvery +finny creatures. They were a fish called cattla by the natives, a +species of carp, with a few eels and smaller fish of a bright red +colour thrown in amongst them. I could never have believed that +one pond could have held such incredible quantities of fish. The +Viceroy, an intrepid pioneer in gastronomic matters, had a great +cattla boiled for his dinner. The first mouthful defeated him; he +declared that the consistency of the fish was that of an old +flannel shirt, and the taste a compound of mud and of the smell of +a covered racquet-court. A lady insisted on presenting the +midshipmen with two dozen bottles of a very good champagne for the +Gun-room Mess. In the innocence of her heart she thought that the +champagne would last them for a year, but on New Year's Eve the +little lambs had a great celebration on board, and drank the whole +two dozen at one sitting. As there were exactly eighteen of them, +this made a fair allowance apiece; they all got exceedingly drunk, +and the Admiral stopped their leave for two months, so we saw no +more of them. They were quite good boys really though, like all +their kind, rather over-full of high spirits. + +As is well known, Queen Victoria celebrated her seventieth +birthday by commencing the study of Hindustani under the tuition +of a skilled Moonshee. At the farewell audience the Queen gave my +sister, Her Majesty, on learning that Lady Lansdowne intended to +begin learning Hindustani as soon as she reached India, proposed +that they should correspond occasionally in Urdu, to test the +relative progress they were making. Every six months or so a +letter from the Queen, beautifully written in Persian characters, +reached Calcutta, to which my sister duly replied. In strict +confidence, I may say that I strongly suspect that Lady +Lansdowne's letters were written by her Moonshee, and that she +merely copied the Persian characters, which she could do very +neatly. The Arabic alphabet is used in writing Persian, with three +or four extra letters added to express sounds which do not exist +in Arabic; it is, of course, written from right to left. I had an +hour and a half's daily lesson in Urdu from an efficient, if +immensely pompous, Moonshee, but I never attempted to learn to +read or write the Persian characters. + +I do not think that any one who has not traversed the plains of +Northern Indian can have any idea of their deadly monotony. Hour +after hour of level, sun-baked wheat-fields, interspersed with +arid tracts of desert, hardly conforms to the traditional idea of +Indian scenery, nor when once Bengal is left behind is there any +of that luxuriant vegetation which one instinctively associates +with hot countries. In bars in the United States, any one wishing +for whisky and water was (I advisedly use the past tense) +accustomed to drain a small tumbler of neat whisky, and then to +swallow a glass of water. In India everything is arranged on this +principle; the whisky and the water are kept quite separate. The +dead-flat expanse of the Northern plains is unbroken by the most +insignificant of mounds; on the other hand, in the hills it is +almost impossible to find ten yards of level ground. In the same +way during the dry season you know with absolute certainty that +there will be no rain; whilst during the rains you can predict, +without the faintest shadow of doubt, that the downpour will +continue day by day. Personally, I prefer whisky and water mixed. + +In 1891 the Viceroy had selected the Kumaon district for his usual +official spring tour, and all arrangements had been made for this. +As my sister was feeling the heat of Calcutta a great deal, she +and I preceded the Viceroy to Naini Tal in the Kumaon district, as +it stands at an altitude of 6500 feet. The narrow-gauge railway +ends at Kathgodam, fifteen miles from Naini Tal, and the last four +miles to the hill-station have to be ridden up, I should imagine, +the steepest road in the world. It is like the side of a house. +People have before now slipped over their horses' tails going up +that terrific ascent, and I cannot conceive how the horses' girths +manage to hold. Naini Tal is a delightful spot, with bungalows +peeping out of dense greenery that fringes a clear lake. As in +most hill-stations, the narrow riding tracks are scooped out of +the hillsides with a perpendicular drop of, say, 500 feet on one +side. These khudd paths, in addition to being very narrow, are so +precipitous that it takes some while getting used to riding along +them. A rather tiresome elderly spinster had come up to Naini Tal +on a visit to a relative, and was continually bewailing the +dangers of these khudd paths. She had hoped, she declared, to put +on a little flesh in the hills, but her constant anxiety about the +khudds was making her thinner than ever. A humorous subaltern, +rather bored at these continual laments, observed to her: "At all +events, Miss Smith, you'll have one consolation. If by any piece +of bad luck you should fall over the khudd, you'll go over thin, +but you'll fall down plump--a thousand feet." + +The very evening that Lord Lansdowne arrived for his projected +tour, the news of a serious outbreak in Manipur was telegraphed. +The Viceroy at once decided to abandon his tour and to proceed +straight to Simla, to which the Government offices had already +moved, and where his presence would be urgently required. Lord +William Beresford, the Military Secretary, a prince of organisers, +at once took possession of the telegraph wires, and in two hours +his arrangements were complete--or as an Anglo-Indian would put +it, "he had made his bundobust." The Viceroy and my sister were to +leave next morning at 6 a.m., and Lord William undertook to get +them to Simla by special trains before midnight. He actually +landed them there by 11 p.m.--quite a record journey, for Naini +Tal is 407 miles from Simla, of which 75 miles have to be ridden +or driven by road and 66 are by narrow-gauge railway, on which +high speeds are impossible. There were 6500 feet to descend from +Naini, and 6000 feet to ascend to Simla, but in India a good +organiser can accomplish miracles. + +The Viceroy's tour being abandoned, Colonel Erskine, the +Commissioner for the Kumaon district, invited me to accompany him +on his own official tour. It was through very difficult country +where no wheeled traffic could pass, so we were to ride, with all +our belongings carried by coolies. I bought two hill-ponies the +size of Newfoundland dogs for myself and my "bearer," and we +started. The little animals being used to carrying packs, have a +disconcerting trick of keeping close to the very edge of the +khudd, for experience has taught them that to bump their load +against the rock wall on the inner side gives them an unpleasant +jar. These little hill-ponies are wonderfully sure-footed, and can +climb like cats over dry water-courses piled with rocks and great +boulders, which a man on foot would find difficult to negotiate. +The rhododendrons were then in full flower, and the hills were one +blaze of colour. We were always going up and up, and as we +ascended, the deep crimson rhododendron flowers of Naini Tal +gradually faded to rose-colour, from rose-colour to pale pink, and +from pink to pure white. It was a perfect education travelling +with Colonel Erskine, for that shrewd and kindly old Scotsman had +spent half his life in India, and knew the Oriental inside out. +The French have an expression, "se fourrer dans la peau d'autrui," +"to shove yourself into another person's skin," and therefore to +be able to see things as they would present themselves to the mind +of a man of a different race and of a different mentality, and +from his point of view. All young diplomats are enjoined to +cultivate this art, and some few succeed in doing so. Colonel +Erskine had it to perfection. On arriving in a village he would +call for a carpet, and a dirty cotton dhuree would be laid on the +round. He would then order a charpoy, or native bed, to be placed +on the carpet, and he would seat himself on it, and call out in +the vernacular, "Now, my children, what have you to tell me?" All +this was strictly in accordance with immemorial Eastern custom. +Then the long line of suppliants would approach, each one with a +present of an orange, or a bunch of rhododendron flowers in his +hand. This, again, from the very beginning of things has been the +custom in the East (cf. 2 Kings, chap. viii, vers. 8, 9: "And the +King said unto Hazael, Take a present in thine hand, and go, meet +the man of God.... So Hazael went to meet him, and took a present +with him"). Colonel Erskine was a great stickler for these +presents, and as they could be picked off the nearest rhododendron +bush, they cost the donor nothing. + +The outpouring of grievences and complaints then began, each +applicant always ending with the two-thousand-year-old cry of +India, "Dohai, Huzoor!" ("Justice, my lord!") The old Commissioner +meanwhile listened intently, dictating copious notes to his +Brahmin clerk, and at the conclusion of the audience he would cry, +"Go, my children. Justice shall be done to all of you," and we +moved on to another village. It was very pleasant seeing the +patriarchal relations between the Commissioner and the villagers. +He understood them and their customs thoroughly; they trusted him +and loved him as their official father. I fancy that this type of +Indian Civil servant, knowing the people he has to deal with down +to the very marrow of their bones, has become rarer of late years. +The Brahmin clerk was a very intelligent man, and spoke English +admirably, but I took a great dislike to him, noting the abject +way in which the natives fawned on him. Colonel Erskine had to +discharge him soon afterwards, as he found that he had been +exploiting the villagers mercilessly for years, taking bribes +right and left. From much experience Colonel Erskine was an adept +at travelling with what he termed "a light camp." He took with him +a portable office-desk, a bookcase with a small reference library, +and two portable arm-chairs. All these were carried in addition to +our baggage and bedding on coolies' heads, for our sleeping-places +were seldom more than fifteen miles apart. + +The Commissioner's old Khansama had very strict ideas as to how a +"Sahib's" dinner should be served. He insisted on decorating the +table with rhododendron flowers, and placing on it every night +four dishes of Moradabad metal work containing respectively six +figs, six French plums, six dates, and six biscuits, all reposing +on the orthodox lace-paper mats, and the moment dinner was over he +carefully replaced these in pickle-jars for use next evening. We +would have broken his heart had we spoiled the symmetry of his +dishes by eating any of these. It takes a little practice to +master bills of fare written in "Kitmutar English," and for +"Irishishtew" and "Anchoto" to be resolved into Irish-stew and +Anchovy-toast. Once when a Viceroy was on tour there was a roast +gosling for dinner. This duly appeared on the bill-of-fare as +"Roasted goose's pup." In justice, however, we must own that we +would make far greater blunders in trying to write a menu in Urdu. + +The Kumaon district is beautiful, not unlike an enlarged Scotland, +with deep ravines scooped out by clear, rushing rivers, their +precipitous sides clothed with dense growths of deodaras. In the +early morning the view of the long range of the snowy pinnacles of +the Himalayas was splendid. I learnt a great deal from wise old +Colonel Erskine with his intimate knowledge of the workings of the +native mind, and of the psychology of the Oriental. + +There is something very touching in the fidelity of Indian native +servants to their employers. Lady Lansdowne returned to India +eighteen years after leaving it, for the marriage of her son (who +was killed in the first three months of the war) to Lord Minto's +daughter, and I accompanied her. One afternoon all the pensioned +Government House servants who had been in Lord Lansdowne's +employment arrived in a body to offer their "salaams" to my +sister. They presented a very different appearance to the +resplendent beings in scarlet and gold whom I had formerly known, +for on taking their pension they had ceased troubling to dye their +beards, and they were merely dressed in plain white cotton. These +grey-bearded, toothless old men with their high, aquiline features +(they were nearly all Mohammedans), flowing white garments and +turbans, might have stepped bodily out of stained-glass windows. +They had brought with them all the little presents (principally +watches) which my sister had given them; they remembered all the +berths she had secured for their sons, and the letters she had +written on their behalf. An Oriental has a very long memory for a +kindness as well as for an injury done him. Lady Lansdowne, whose +Hindustani had become rather rusty, began feverishly turning over +the pages of a dictionary in an endeavour to express her feelings +and the pleasure she experienced in seeing these faithful +retainers again: she wept, and the old men wept, and we all +agreed, as elderly people will, that in former days the sun was +brighter and life altogether rosier than in these degenerate +times. Before leaving, the old servants simultaneously lifted +their arms in the Mahommedan gesture of blessing, with all the +innate dignity of the Oriental; it was really a very touching +sight, nor do I think that the very substantial memento of their +visit which each of them received had anything to do with their +attitude: they only wished to show that they were "faithful to +their salt." + +It is difficult to determine the age of a native, as wrinkles and +lines do not show on a dark skin. Dark skins have other +advantages. One of the European Examiners of Calcutta University +told me that there had been great trouble about the examination- +papers. By some means the native students always managed to obtain +what we may term "advance" copies of these papers. My informant +devised a scheme to stop this leakage. Instead of having the +papers printed in the usual fashion, he called in the services of +a single white printer on whom he could absolutely rely. The white +printer had the papers handed to him early on the morning of the +examination day, and he duly set them up on a hand-press in the +building itself. The printer had one assistant, a coolie clad only +in loin-cloth and turban, and every time the coolie left the room +he was made to remove both his loin-cloth and turban, so that by +no possibility could he have any papers concealed about him. In +spite of these precautions, it was clear from internal evidence +that some of the students had had a previous knowledge of the +questions. How had it been managed? It eventually appeared that +the coolie, taking advantage of the momentary absence of the white +printer, had whipped off his loin-cloth, SAT DOWN ON THE "FORM," +and then replaced his solitary garment. When made to strip on +going out, the printing-ink did not show on his dark skin: he had +only to sit down elsewhere on a large sheet of white paper for the +questions to be printed off on it, and they could then easily be +read in a mirror. The Oriental mind is very subtle. + +This is no place to speak of the marvels of Mogul architecture in +Agra and Delhi. I do not believe that there exists in the world a +more exquisitely beautiful hall than the Diwan-i-Khas in Delhi +palace. This hall, open on one side to a garden, is entirely built +of transparent white marble inlaid with precious stones, and with +its intricate gilded ceilings, and wonderful pierced-marble +screens it justifies the famous Persian inscription that runs +round it: + + "If heaven can be on the face of the earth, + It is this, it is this, it is this." + +I always regret that Shah Jehan did not carry out his original +intention of erecting a second Taj of black marble for himself at +Agra, opposite the wonderful tomb he built for his beloved Muntaz- +i-Mahal; probably the money ran out. Few people take in that the +dome of the Taj, that great airy white soap-bubble, is actually +higher than the dome of St. Paul's. The play of fancy and +invention of Shah Jehan's architects seems inexhaustible. All the +exquisite white marble pavilions of Agra palace differ absolutely +both in design and decoration, and Akbar's massive red sandstone +buildings make the most perfect foil to them that could be +conceived. + +Lucknow is one of the pleasantest stations in India, with its ring +of encircling parks, and the broad, tree-shaded roads of its +cantonments, but the pretentious monuments with which the city is +studded will not bear examination after the wonders of Agra and +Delhi. The King of Oude wished to surpass the Mogul Emperors by +the magnificence of his buildings, but he wished, too, to do it on +the cheap. So in Lucknow stucco, with very debased details, +replaces the stately red sandstone and marble of the older cities. + +In 1890 after a long day's sight-seeing in Lucknow, in the course +of which we ascended the long exterior flight of steps of the +great Imambarah on an elephant (who proved himself as nimble as a +German waiter in going upstairs), Lady Lansdowne and I were taken +to the Husainabad just as the short-lived Indian twilight was +falling. On passing through its great gateway I thought that I had +never in my life seen anything so beautiful. At the end of a long +white marble-paved court, a stately black-and-white marble tomb +with a gilded dome rose from a flight of steps. Down the centre of +the court ran a long pool of clear water, surrounded by a gilded +railing. On either side of the court stood great clumps of +flowering shrubs, also enclosed in gilded railings. At the far +end, a group of palms were outlined in jet black against that +vivid lemon-coloured afterglow only seen in hot countries; +peacocks, perched on the walls of the court, stood out duskily +purple against the glowing expanse of saffron sky, and the +sleeping waters of the long pool reflected the golden glory of the +flaming vault above them. + +In the hush of the evening, and the half-light, the scene was +lovely beyond description, and for eighteen years I treasured in +my mind the memory of the Husainabad at sunset as the vision of my +life. + +On returning to Lucknow in 1906, I insisted on going at once to +revisit the Husainabad, though I was warned that there was nothing +to see there. Alas! in broad daylight and in the glare of the +fierce sun the whole place looked abominably tawdry. What I had +taken for black-and-white marble was only painted stucco, and +coarsely daubed at that; the details of the decoration were +deplorable, and the Husainabad was just a piece of showy, +meretricious tinsel. The gathering dusk and the golden expanse of +the Indian sunset sky had by some subtle wizardry thrown a veil of +glamour over this poor travesty of the marvels of Delhi and Agra. +So a long-cherished ideal was hopelessly shattered, which is +always a melancholy thing. + +We are all slaves to the economic conditions under which we live, +and the present exorbitant price of paper is a very potent factor +in the making of books. I am warned by my heartless publishers +that I have already exceeded my limits. There are many things in +India of which I would speak: of big-game hunts in Assam; of near +views of the mighty snows of the Himalayas; of jugglers and their +tricks, and of certain unfamiliar aspects of native life. The +telling of these must be reserved for another occasion, for it is +impossible in the brief compass of a single chapter to do more +than touch the surface of things in the vast Empire, the origin of +whose history is lost in the mists of time. + + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +Matters left untold--The results of improved communications--My +father's journey to Naples--Modern stereotyped uniformity--Changes +in customs--The faithful family retainer Some details--Samuel +Pepys' stupendous banquets--Persistence of idea--Ceremonial +incense--Patriarchal family life--The barn dances--My father's +habits--My mother--A son's tribute--Autumn days--Conclusion. + +I had hoped to tell of reef-fishing in the West Indies; of surf- +riding on planks at Muizenberg in South Africa; of the extreme +inconvenience to which the inhabitants of Southern China are +subjected owing to the inconsiderate habits of their local devils; +of sapphire seas where coco-nut palms toss their fronds in the +Trade wind over gleaming-white coral beaches; of vast frozen +tracts in the Far North where all animate life seems suspended; of +Japanese villages clinging to green hill-sides where boiling +springs gush out of the cliffs in clouds of steam, and of many +other things besides, for it has been my good fortune to have seen +most of the surface of this globe. But all these must wait until +the present preposterous price of paper has descended to more +normal levels. + +I consider myself exceptionally fortunate in having lived at a +time when modern conveniences of transport were already in +existence, but had not yet produced their inevitable results. It +is quite sufficiently obvious that national customs and national +peculiarities are being smoothed out of existence by facilities of +travel. My father and mother, early in their married life, drove +from London to Naples in their own carriage, the journey occupying +over a month. They left their own front door in London, had their +carriage placed on the deck of the Channel steamer, sat in it +during the passage (what a singularly uncomfortable resting-place +it must have been should they have encountered bad weather!), and +continued their journey on the other side. During their leisurely +progress through France and Italy, they must have enjoyed +opportunities of studying the real life of these countries which +are denied the passengers in a rapide, jammed in amongst a +cosmopolitan crew in the prosaic atmosphere of dining and sleeping +cars, and scarcely bestowing a passing glance on the country +through which they are being whirled. Even in my time I have seen +marked changes, and have witnessed the gradual disappearance of +national costumes, and of national types of architecture. Every +capital in Europe seems to adopt in its modern buildings a +standardised type of architecture. No sojourner in any of the big +modern hotels, which bear such a wearisome family likeness to each +other, could tell in which particular country he might happen to +find himself, were it not for the scraps of conversation which +reach his ears, for the externals all look alike, and even the +cooking has, with a greater or less degree of success, been +standardised to the requisite note of monotony. Travellers may be +divided into two categories: those who wish to find on foreign +soil the identical conditions to which they have been accustomed +at home, and those searching for novelty of outlook and novelty of +surroundings. The former will welcome the process of planing down +national idiosyncrasies into one dead level of uniformity of type, +the latter will deplore it; but this, like many other things, is a +matter of individual taste. + +The ousting of the splendid full-rigged ships by stumpy, unlovely +tramp-steamers in the Hooghly River, to which I have already +referred, is only one example of the universal disappearance of +the picturesque. In twenty-five years' time, every one will be +living in a drab-coloured, utilitarian world, from which most of +the beauty and every scrap of local colour will have been +successfully eliminated. I am lucky in having seen some of it. + +I have also witnessed great changes in social habits. I do not +refer so much to the removal of the rigid lines of demarcation +formerly prevailing in English Society, as to the disappearance of +certain accepted standards. For instance, in my young days the +possibility of appearing in Piccadilly in anything but a high hat +and a tail coat was unthinkable, as was the idea of sitting down +to dinner in anything but a white tie. Modern usage has common +sense distinctly on its side. Again, in my youth the old drinking +customs lingered, especially at the Universities. Though +personally I have never been able to extract the faintest +gratification from the undue consumption of alcohol, my friends do +not seem to have invariably shared my tastes. I am certain of one +thing: it is to the cigarette that the temperate habits of the +twentieth century are due. Nicotine knocked port and claret out in +the second round. The acclimatisation of the cigarette in England +only dates from the "seventies." As a child I remember that the +only form of tobacco indulged in by the people that I knew was the +cigar. A cigarette was considered an effeminate foreign +importation; a pipe was unspeakably vulgar. + +In my mother's young days before her marriage, the old hard- +drinking habits of the Regency and of the eighteenth century still +persisted. At Woburn Abbey it was the custom for the trusted old +family butler to make his nightly report to my grandmother in the +drawing-room. "The gentlemen have had a good deal to-night; it +might be as well for the young ladies to retire," or "The +gentlemen have had very little to-night," was announced according +to circumstances by this faithful family retainer. Should the +young girls be packed off upstairs, they liked standing on an +upper gallery of the staircase to watch the shouting, riotous +crowd issuing from the dining-room. My father very rarely touched +wine, and I believe that it was the fact that he, then an Oxford +undergraduate, was the only sober young man amongst the rowdy +troop of roysterers that first drew my mother to him, though he +had already proposed marriage to her at a children's party given +by the Prince Regent at Carlton House, when they were respectively +seven and six years old. My father had succeeded to the title at +the age of six, and they were married as soon as he came of age. +They lived to celebrate their golden wedding, which two of my +sisters, the late Duchess of Buccleuch and Lady Lansdowne, were +also fortunate enough to do, and I can say with perfect truth that +in all three instances my mother and her daughters celebrated +fifty years of perfect happiness, unclouded save for the gaps +which death had made amongst their children. + +Students of Pepys' Diary must have gasped with amazement at +learning of the prodigious quantities of food considered necessary +in the seventeenth century for a dinner of a dozen people. Samuel +Pepys gives us several accounts of his entertainments, varying, +with a nice sense of discrimination, the epithet with which he +labels his dinners. Here is one which he gave to ten people, in +1660, which he proudly terms "a very fine dinner." "A dish of +marrow-bones; a leg of mutton; a loin of veal; a dish of fowl; +three pullets, and two dozen of larks, all in a dish; a great +tart; a neat's tongue; a dish of anchovies; a dish of prawns, and +cheese." On another occasion, in 1662, Pepys having four guests +only, merely gave them what he modestly describes as "a pretty +dinner." "A brace of stewed carps; six roasted chickens; a jowl of +salmon; a tanzy; two neats' tongues, and cheese." For six +distinguished guests in 1663 he provided "a noble dinner." (I like +this careful grading of epithets.) "Oysters; a hash of rabbits; a +lamb, and a rare chine of beef, Next a great dish of roasted fowl +cost me about thirty shillings; a tart, fruit and cheese." Pepys +anxiously hopes that this was enough! One is pleased to learn that +on all three occasions his guests enjoyed themselves, and that +they were "very merry," but however did they manage to hold one +quarter of this prodigious amount of food? + +The curious idea that hospitality entailed the proffering of four +times the amount of food that an average person could assimilate, +persisted throughout the eighteenth century and well into the +"seventies" of the nineteenth century. I remember as a child, on +the rare occasion when I was allowed to "sit up" for dinner, how +interminable that repast seemed. That may have been due to the +fact that my brother and I were forbidden to eat anything except a +biscuit or two. The idea that human beings required perpetual +nourishment was so deep-grounded that, to the end of my father's +life, the "wine and water tray" was brought in nightly before the +ladies went to bed. This tray contained port, sherry and claret, a +silver kettle of hot water, sugar, lemons and nutmeg, as well as +two large plates of sandwiches. All the ladies devoured wholly +superfluous sandwiches, and took a glass of wine and hot water +before retiring. I think people would be surprised to find how +excellent a beverage the obsolete "negus" is. Let them try a glass +of either port, sherry, or claret, with hot water, sugar, a +squeeze of lemon, and a dusting of nutmeg, and I think that they +will agree with me. + +A custom, I believe, peculiar to our family, was the burning of +church incense in the rooms after dinner. At the conclusion of +dinner, the groom-of-the-chambers walked round the dining-room, +solemnly swinging a large silver censer. This dignified thurifer +then made the circuit of the other rooms, plying his censer. From +the conscientious manner in which he fulfilled his task, I fear +that an Ecclesiastical Court might have found that this came under +the heading of "incense used ceremonially." + +My father had one peculiarity; he never altered his manner of +living, whether the house was full of visitors, or he were alone +with my mother, after his children had married and left him. At +Baron's Court, when quite by themselves, they used the large +rooms, and had them all lighted up at night, exactly as though the +house was full of guests. There was to my mind something very +touching in seeing an aged couple, after more than fifty years of +married life together, still preserving the affectionate relations +of lovers with each other. They played their chess together +nightly in a room ninety-eight feet long, and delighted in still +singing together, in the quavering tones of old age, the simple +little Italian duets that they had sung in the far-off days of +their courtship. As his years increased, my father did not care to +venture much beyond the circle of his own family, though as +thirteen of his children had grown up, and he had seven married +daughters, the two elder of whom had each thirteen children of her +own, the number of his immediate descendants afforded him a fairly +wide field of selection. In his old age he liked to have his five +sons round him all the winter, together with their wives and +children. Accordingly, every October my three married brothers +arrived at Baron's Court with their entire families, and remained +there till January, so that the house persistently rang with +children's laughter. What with governesses, children, nurses and +servants, this meant thirty-three extra people all through the +winter, so it was fortunate that Baron's Court was a large house, +and that there was plenty of room left for other visitors. It +entailed no great hardship on the sons, for the autumn salmon- +fishing in the turbulent Mourne is excellent, there was abundance +of shooting, and M. Gouffe, the cook, was a noted artist. + +Both my father and mother detested publicity, or anything in the +nature of self-advertisement, which only shows how hopelessly out +of touch they would have been with modern conditions. + +My father was also old-fashioned enough to read family prayers +every morning and every Sunday evening; he was very particular, +too, about Sunday observance, now almost fallen into desuetude, so +neither the thud of lawn-tennis racquets nor the click of +billiard-balls were ever heard on that day, and no one would have +dreamed of playing cards on Sunday. + +It would be difficult to convey any idea of the pleasant family +life in that isolated spot tucked away amongst the Tyrone +mountains; of the long tramps over the bogs after duck and snipe; +of the struggles with big salmon; of the sailing-matches on the +lakes; of the grouse and the woodcocks; of the theatrical +performances, the fun and jollity, and all the varied incidents +which make country life so fascinating to those brought up to it. + +It was the custom at Baron's Court to have two annual dances in +the barn to celebrate "Harvest Home" and Christmas, and to these +dances my father, and my brother after him, invited every single +person in their employ, and all the neighbouring farmers and their +wives. Any one hoping to shine at a barn-dance required +exceptionally sound muscles, for the dancing was quite a serious +business. The so-called barn was really a long granary, +elaborately decorated with wreaths of evergreens, flags, and +mottoes. The proceedings invariably commenced with a dance +(peculiar, I think, to the north of Ireland) known as "Haste to +the Wedding." It is a country dance, but its peculiarity lies in +the fact that instead of the couples standing motionless opposite +to one another, they are expected to "set to each other," and to +keep on doing steps without intermission; all this being, I +imagine, typical of the intense eagerness every one was supposed +to express to reach the scene of the wedding festivities as +quickly as possible. Twenty minutes of "Haste to the Wedding" are +warranted to exhaust the stoutest leg-muscles. My mother always +led off with the farm-bailiff as partner, my father at the other +end dancing with the bailiff's wife. Both my father, and my +brother after him, were very careful always to wear their Garter +as well as their other Orders on these occasions, in order to show +respect to their guests. Scotch reels and Irish jigs alternated +with "The Triumph," "Flowers of Edinburgh," and other country +dances, until feet and legs refused their office; and still the +fiddles scraped, and feet, light or heavy, belaboured the floor +till 6 a.m. The supper would hardly have come up to London +standards, for instead of light airy nothings, huge joints of +roast and boiled were aligned down the tables. Some of the +stricter Presbyterians, though fond of a dance, experienced +conscientious qualms about it. So they struck an ingenious +compromise with their consciences by dancing vigorously whilst +assuming an air of intense misery, as though they were undergoing +some terrible penance. Every one present enjoyed these barn-dances +enormously. + +My father was an admirable speaker of the old-fashioned school, +with calculated pauses, an unusual felicity in the choice of his +epithets, and a considerable amount of gesticulation. The veteran +Lord Chaplin is the last living exponent of this type of oratory. +Although my father prepared his speeches very carefully indeed, he +never made a single written note. He had a beautiful speaking +voice and a prodigious memory; this memory, he knew from +experience, would not fail him. An excellent shot himself both +with gun and rifle, and a good fisherman, to the end of his life +he maintained his interest in sport and in all the pursuits of the +younger life around him, for he was very human. + +It is difficult for a son to write impartially of his mother. My +mother's character was a blend of extreme simplicity and great +dignity, with a limitless gift of sympathy for others. I can say +with perfect truth that, throughout her life, she succeeded in +winning the deep love of all those who were brought into constant +contact with her. Very early in life she fell under the influence +of the Evangelical movement, which was then stirring England to +its depths, and she throughout her days remained faithful to its +tenets. It could be said of her that, though, in the world, she +was not of the world. Owing to force of circumstances, she had at +times to take her position in the world, and no one could do it +with greater dignity, or more winning grace; but the atmosphere of +London, both physical and social, was distasteful to her. She had +an idea that the smoke-laden London air affected her lungs, and, +apart from the pleasure of seeing the survivors of the very +intimate circle of friends of her young days, London had few +attractions for her; all her interests were centred in the +country, in country people, and country things. Although deeply +religious, her religion had no gloom about it, for her +inextinguishable love of a joke, and irrepressible sense of fun, +remained with her to the end of her life, and kept her young in +spite of her ninety-three years. From the commencement of her +married life, my mother had been in the habit of "visiting" in the +village twice a week, and in every cottage she was welcomed as a +friend, for in addition to her gift of sympathy, she had a memory +almost as tenacious as my father's, and remembered the names of +every one of the cottagers' children, knew where they were +employed, and whom they had married. With the help of her maid, my +mother used to compound a cordial, bottles of which she +distributed amongst the cottagers, a cordial which gained an +immense local reputation. The ingredients of this panacea were one +part of strong iron-water to five parts of old whisky, to which +sal-volatile, red lavender, cardamoms, ginger, and other warming +drugs were added. "Her Grace's bottle," as it was invariably +termed, achieved astonishing popularity, and the most marvellous +cures were ascribed to it. I have sometimes wondered whether its +vogue would have been as great had the whisky been eliminated from +its composition. In her home under the Sussex downs, amidst the +broad stretches of heather-clad common, the beautiful Tudor stone- +built old farm-houses, and the undulating woodlands of that most +lovable and typically English county, she continued, to the end of +her life, visiting amongst her less fortunate neighbours, and +finding friends in every house. Her immense vitality and power of +entering into the sorrows and enjoyments of others, led at times +to developments very unexpected in the case of one so aged. For +instance, a small great-nephew of mine had had a pair of stilts +given him. The boy was clumsy at learning to use them, and my +mother, who in her youth, could perform every species of trick +upon stilts, was discovered by her trained nurse mounted on stilts +and perambulating the garden on them, in her eighty-sixth year, +for the better instruction of her little great-grandson. Again, +during a great rat-hunt we had organised, the nurse missed her +ninety-year-old charge, to discover her later, in company with the +stable-boy, behind a barn, both of them armed with sticks, +intently watching a rat-hole into which the stable-boy had just +inserted a ferret. + +My mother travelled up to London on one occasion to consult a +celebrated oculist, and confided to him that she was growing +apprehensive about her eyesight, as she began to find it difficult +to read small print by lamplight. The man of Harley Street, after +a careful examination of his patient's eyes, asked whether he +might inquire what her age was. On receiving the reply that she +had been ninety on her last birthday, the specialist assured her +that his experience led him to believe that cases of failing +eyesight were by no means unusual at that age. + +My mother had known all the great characters that had flitted +across the European stage at the beginning of the nineteenth +century: Talleyrand, Metternich, the great Duke of Wellington, and +many others. With her wonderful memory, she was a treasure-house +of anecdotes of these and other well-known personages, which she +narrated with all the skill of the born reconteuse. She belonged, +too, to an age in which letter-writing was cultivated as an art, +and was regarded as an intellectual relaxation. At the time of her +death she had one hundred and sixty-nine direct living +descendants: children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and +great-great-grandchildren, in addition to thirty-seven +grandchildren and great-grandchildren by marriage. She kept in +touch with all her descendants by habitually corresponding with +them, and the advice given by this shrewd, wise old counsellor, +with her ninety years of experience, was invariably followed by +its recipients. She made a point of travelling to London to attend +the weddings of every one of her descendants, and even journeyed +up to be present at the Coronation of King Edward in her ninetieth +year. It is given to but few to see their GRANDSON'S GRANDSON; it +is granted to fewer to live ninety-three years with the full use +of every intellectual faculty, and the retention of but slightly +impaired bodily powers; and seldom is it possible to live to so +great an age with the powers of enjoyment and of unabated interest +in the lives of others still retained. + +She never returned to Ireland after her widowhood, but was able, +up to the end of her life, to pay a yearly autumn visit to her +beloved Scotland. And so, under the rolling Sussex downs, amidst +familiar woodlands and villages, full of years, and surrounded by +the lore of all those who knew her, the long day closed. + +I think that there is a passage in the thirty-first chapter of +Proverbs which says: "Her children rise up and call her blessed." + +I have reached my appointed limits, leaving unsaid one-half of the +things I had wished to narrate. Reminiscences come crowding in +unbidden, and, like the flickering lights of the Will-o'-the-wisp, +they tend to lead the wayfarer far astray from the path he had +originally traced out for himself. "Jack-o'-lanthorn" is +proverbially a fickle guide to follow, and should I have succumbed +to his lure, I can only proffer my excuses, and plead in +extenuation that sixty years is such a long road to re-travel that +an occasional deviation into a by-path by elderly feet may perhaps +be forgiven. + +Charles Kingsley, in the "Water-Babies", has put some very +touching lines into the mouth of the old school-dame in Vendale, +lines which come home with pathetic force to persons of my time of +life. + + "When all the world is young, lad, + And all the trees are green; + And every goose a swan, lad, + And every lass a queen; + Then hey for boot and horse, lad, + And round the world away; + Young blood must have its course, lad + And every dog his day. + + "When all the world is old, lad, + And all the trees are brown; + And all the sport is stale, lad, + And all the wheels run down; + Creep home, and take your place there, + The old and spent among: + God grant you find one face there + You loved when all was young." + +I protest indignantly against the idea that all the wheels are run +down; nor are the trees yet brown, for kindly autumn, to soften us +to the inevitable passing of summer, touches the trees with her +magic wand, and forthwith they blaze with crimson and russet-gold, +pale-gold and flaming copper-red. + +In the mellow golden sunshine of the still October days it is +sometimes difficult to realise that the glory of the year has +passed beyond recall, though the sunshine has no longer the genial +warmth of July, and the more delicate flowers are already +shrivelled by the first furtive touches of winter's finger-tips. +Experience has taught us that the many-hued glory of autumn is +short-lived; the faintest breeze brings the leaves fluttering to +the ground in golden showers. Soon the few that remain will patter +gently down to earth, their mother. Winter comes. + + + +End Project Gutenberg's The Days Before Yesterday, by Lord Frederic Hamilton + diff --git a/old/tdbys10.zip b/old/tdbys10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2f8b4e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/tdbys10.zip |