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diff --git a/38050-8.txt b/38050-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..97bb2ae --- /dev/null +++ b/38050-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,756 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old +Friend of mine., by T. C. Gash + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old Friend of mine. + What he most probably was. What he most certainly will be + and who has done this? Why The Cat. + +Author: T. C. Gash + +Release Date: November 18, 2011 [EBook #38050] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALL (FRIGHTFULLY UNOFFICIAL) *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Anna Whitehead, Diane Monico, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + + +ALL +(Frightfully Unofficial) +about an OLD FRIEND of mine + +What he most probably was +What he most certainly will be +AND WHO HAS DONE THIS? + +WHY +THE CAT. + + + + +Dedicated to the Notice +OF ALL +The Firms of this Great City +whether +BANKERS BROKERS OR OTHERS +WHO +In their Rise to Wealth and Affluence +have NOT yet +Recognised the "Generous Policy" That their +Success is always partly Due to the Honesty and +Energy of their +SERVANTS, +AND WHO +After taking to Themselves all the +_HONEY_ in the _HIVE_ +Leave to the +WORKERS +NOTHING +but the Lees. + +"A good Master maketh a good Servant" + + MARTIN TUPPER. + + + + +[Illustration: + +ALL +(Frightfully Unofficial) +about an OLD FRIEND of mine + +What he most probably was +What he most certainly will be +AND WHO HAS DONE THIS? + +WHY +THE CAT.] + + + + +[Illustration: What he most probably was, + +before he became] + + +[Illustration: A General-Private-Joint-Continental-Universal-Everlasting +Respectable-Responsible +BANKERS CLERK. + +During his 1st year of Service + +(Fancies he's got a "good thing")] + + +[Illustration: At 10 years Service, he has his doubts.] + + +[Illustration: This is the BC of 20 years Service--he--_hasn't any +doubts now_. Bless you! He knows _all about it, and_ he's going home! To +his--_Dinner_!!!] + + +[Illustration: HERE IT IS! + +AND ought'nt he to be _thankful_] + + +[Illustration: AT 40, 50, or 150 years Service, _he wonders_ (_ha! ha!_) +Why his old heart may not be eased + +_BY A PENSION_ + +that _he and his_ can live upon, together with a _handsome present_ of +_the remnant of his life_] + + +[Illustration: But he is informed that if he will send in his +_resignation_ _first_, It will be seen what can be done for him + +_Afterwards_ + +"_Is he quite worn out.?_ not another _6 months_? dear me! + +_quite sure?_ Ah!"] + + +[Illustration: This generous proposal does'nt satisfy our greedy old +friend, so he comes up to the scratch as usual + +And he works all day, and he dreams all night] + + +[Illustration: Once he dreamt (silly Old boy) he dreamt] + + +[Illustration: He had an _IDEA_!!! + +(of course it was only a dream.)] + + +[Illustration: (His Dream) + +Why not appeal to his Masters the DIRECTORS they can but say No. they +are Gentlemen, and _they won't eat him_] + + +[Illustration: (His Dream) + +And of cours.--HOORAY!!!! + +The DIRECTORS declare that their _trusted servant_ SHOULD NOT be an +_exception_ to the _Universal Rule_, but that he had risen in value like +everything else AND they further declare, they will not permit, _the man +whose labour increases with their success_, to be _left behind_ by the +butcher, the Baker, or the Candlestick Maker.--_NO_ not to put dividends +into their own pockets, + +_OR ANY OTHER MANS_] + + +[Illustration: (still his dream.) + +And Georgiana-Amelia looks more like the girl he took away from the old +Rectory 20 years ago than he ever hoped to see again + +Why she's getting FAT!, Sir FAT!] + + +[Illustration: (but dreams) + +And so is Tommy' Sir.] + + +[Illustration: (very happy dreams) + +And Georgiana Amelia, Junior.] + + +[Illustration: (Are very very seldom) + +And so Goodbye, Sir Goodbye. No, we _do not_ live at Poplar now--Why, +yes, quite a change. Just so Good bye to you, Sir + +_Hem_--_WE ARE GOING TO CHURCH._] + + +[Illustration: (REALIZED) + +OH! _Are you_.--_You're going to the City_, Old Boy. WHAT!!! _Give you +more pay_--Pooh. Think of the Honorable _Confidence_ your Masters +_cannot help giving you_--Think of that--Very Valuable, Eh. + +_Ah! I should think so_, and you had better wake up those Shakey old +legs of yours, or you'll be _Under the Line_] + + +[Illustration: And one Morning + +_he is_ _Under the Line_] + + +[Illustration: And _THIS is the result of his lifes labour_] + + +[Illustration: + +EXTRAORDINARY COINCIDENCE + +SOME BODY +ELSE + +HAS BEEN DREAMING + +OR + +OUR MUTUAL FRIEND + +BEING + +The FINAL SCRATCHES of + +THE CAT + +WHO + +After this will vanish + +And like the baseless +fabrick of a dream +Leave not a wrack behind] + + +[Illustration: Having attended a Committee of the most exciting and +exhaustive nature "Somebody" indulges in the traditional "40 Winks".] + + +[Illustration: But the Committee hasn't done with him yet--the "Winks" +are disturbed, and the Phantom of a defunct argument, that _He_ settled +long ago, sits itself rudely on the table, in a Makeshifty sort of way +and insists upon having another "go in".] + + +[Illustration: And so he thinks, _He_ thinks! his income is too small; +Why _it's Princely_, said the "Shadowy party" whose own "pull" was about +£20,000 a year, He ought to make it do somehow, and if he don't like it +you can manage without him. + +Now look here, let me show you an Article.] + + +[Illustration: _There!!!_ + +Now I call this cheap.--_There he is_, Salary £40. _and_ white choker +_not_ objected to. (for the matter of that he'll wear plush +or--anything)----Come he's goodlooking. He'll work for you, respect you, +as much as he does himself, be a credit to you, _and_ finally, he's been +in the Pawnbroking line, _says_ _he lives on Oatmeal Porridge--and comes +from the North_ + +(ED NOTE "Puss" who comes fra' the North hersel, is disgusted with the +"Cad", _and does'nt believe him_.] + + +[Illustration: His harmless Pursuits----] + + +[Illustration: And his simple Tastes,----] + + +[Illustration: Will render him at once the _ornament_ and "Prop" of your +Establisment.--] + + +[Illustration: _And_ if in the ingenuous enthusiasm of his _Generous_ +Nature, _he should_ by chance "run short"; He's _not the man_ to pester +you with Petitions. _He_ has a soul above _asking for Money_.] + + +[Illustration: Just so--,] + + +[Illustration: Ha! Ha! laughed "Somebody", to "the" great danger of the +"Winks"; _Of course_, and we shouldn't dream of taking such a scamp. +_We_, Hem, have _always_ drawn _Our_ staff from a _very_ different +class, and _why_ shouldn't we always do so, _We_ are quite satisfied +with them, and our Business, and our Profits are Increasing +yearly.----Upon my word said "Somebody" _everything_ connected with "Our +House" gives me unlimited satisfaction.] + + +[Illustration: And you are going to make the satisfaction just a _leetle +Mutual_; Sir, indeed we ought to thank you very much; Said a new and +most impertinent Essence, who appeared, somewhat prematurely, to have +made up his mind, and so settled the question out of hand.] + + +[Illustration: What do you mean, Sir. We don't require _your_ +interference said "Somebody" (who couldn't encourage that sort of +thing). I see they forgot the Doctor, and no doubt your _Wife will go_ +to church. Yes, that sort of thing does cost _something_, and you +couldn't very well stop her, no, no. And I see you _never_ spend _any +money_ for Conveyance, and you never have _any_ recreation, or change of +air; nothing to help through the dismal monotony of your 12 days holiday +in _November_ or _February_ and you can't even afford "8 hours at the +Sea Side" for the Wife and little ones. In fact you've no money. _no +comfort! no Pipe! no Glass! no music! no Paper! no nothing._ + +Well!!! said "Somebody" you're an _Extraordinary Man_--_but I don't +believe you_--Now I can _understand this_. _You cannot afford_ _any_ of +these things, _that_ is clear. But Human Nature is frail, and Alas! +B.C.s _are but_ Human. Come, Sir confess at least _to some of these +iniquities_, and then--_What is the consequence?_] + + +[Illustration: Why 50 per cent of you get into debt, and you know it +Said "Somebody" do you think you can decieve me? Why its clear that if +you will _really_ make out a list of The Butcher, The Baker, The Water +rate, The _Poor Rate_!! and the Income Tax (every penny--poor devil) and +_all the other luxuries in which you indulge_. Why both ends _can't_ +meet] + + +[Illustration: Somebody Somebody, Esquire + +Of course they wont. I've said so before. Give you my Vote and Interest? +Do we wish to conduct our Business on the "Old Clo" principle, like a +Firm of Jew Slopmakers? said "Somebody", getting Indignant, and +dangerously red about the Face--NO! very well. Give you my Vote and +Interest? _I always have._ Give them again?----(you know young man, this +is all very unofficial--well then) Yes.--_I Will_] + + +[Illustration: And "Somebody" said "I will" so loudly that he woke +himself up.] + + +[Illustration: And "Somebody" _who was "Somebody"_ (may his shadow never +be less) _did_ give his Vote and Interest. + +_And the result_, some of it is in my Pocket (_long may it stop there_) +the Result is, that _Our House_ is up to _any Amount of Work_ and will +undertake _to beat the Cheap Jacks into Fits_ + +Let us hope the example of "our little Shop" will be catching + +Now then ALLTOGETHER + AND SO SAY ALL OF US + AND SO SAY ALL OF US +FOR HE IS A JOLLY GOOD + +SOMEBODY COMING + +See him do it! + +Puss in taking leave of his Friends _Congratulates_ them on the _Fact_ +that _they know who is_ OUR "MUTUAL FRIEND" (and it isn't everyone can +say that). In conclusion it is to be hoped that "Nobody" will be the +only person so _unfeline_ as to dream of + +"PUTTING A STOPPER ON THE CAT'S MEAT"] + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Notes + +Retained the spelling and punctuation anomalies of the original. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an +Old Friend of mine., by T. C. 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