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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Beaux-Stratagem, by George Farquhar
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Beaux-Stratagem
+       A comedy in five acts
+
+Author: George Farquhar
+
+Commentator: Elizabeth Inchbald
+
+Release Date: August 24, 2011 [EBook #37195]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  THE
+  BEAUX STRATAGEM;
+
+
+  A COMEDY,
+  IN FIVE ACTS;
+  BY GEORGE FARQUHAR, ESQ.
+
+
+  AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRES ROYAL,
+  DRURY LANE AND COVENT GARDEN.
+
+
+  PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS
+  FROM THE PROMPT BOOK.
+
+  WITH REMARKS
+  BY MRS. INCHBALD.
+
+
+  LONDON:
+  PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME,
+  PATERNOSTER ROW.
+
+
+  SAVAGE AND EASINGWOOD,
+  PRINTERS, LONDON.
+
+
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+It is an honour to the morality of the present age, that this most
+entertaining comedy is but seldom performed; and never, except some new
+pantomime, or other gaudy spectacle, be added, as an afterpiece, for the
+attraction of an audience.
+
+The well drawn characters, happy incidents, and excellent dialogue, in
+"The Beaux Stratagem," are but poor atonement for that unrestrained
+contempt of principle which pervades every scene. Plays of this kind
+are far more mischievous than those, which preserve less appearance of
+delicacy. Every auditor and reader shrinks from those crimes, which
+are recommended in unseemly language, and from libertinism united with
+coarse manners; but in adorning vice with wit, and audacious rakes with
+the vivacity and elegance of men of fashion, youth, at least, will be
+decoyed into the snare of admiration.
+
+Charmed with the spirit of Archer and Aimwell, the reader may not,
+perhaps, immediately perceive, that those two fine gentlemen are but
+arrant impostors; and that the lively, though pitiable Mrs. Sullen,
+is no other than a deliberate violator of her marriage vow. Highly
+delighted with every character, he will not, perhaps, at first observe,
+that all the wise and witty persons of this comedy are knaves, and all
+the honest people fools.
+
+It is said, that this play was written in six weeks--it is more
+surprising still, that it was written by a dying man!
+
+Farquhar was a gentleman of elegant person and bewitching address, who,
+having experienced the vicissitudes of life, as a man of fashion, an
+actor, a captain in the army, an author, a lover, and a husband; and
+having encountered bitter disappointment in some of his adventures--though
+amply gratified by others--He, at the age of twenty-nine, sunk into a
+dejection of spirits and decline of health; and in this state, he wrote
+the present drama.--It had only been acted a night or two, when the
+author, in the midst of those honours, which he derived from its
+brilliant reception--died.
+
+As a proof that Farquhar was perfectly sensible of his dangerous state,
+and that he regained cheerfulness as his end approached, the following
+anecdote is told:--
+
+The famed actress, Mrs. Oldfield, performed the part of Mrs. Sullen,
+when the comedy was first produced; and being highly interested in
+its success, from the esteem she bore the author; when it drew near
+the last rehearsal, she desired Wilkes, the actor, to go to him,
+and represent--that she advised him to make some alteration in the
+catastrophe of the piece; for that she was apprehensive, the free manner
+in which he had bestowed the hand of Mrs. Sullen upon Archer, without
+first procuring a divorce from her husband, would offend great part
+of the audience. "Oh," replied Farquhar, gaily, when this message was
+delivered to him, "tell her, I wish she was married to me instead of
+Sullen; for then, without the trouble of a divorce, I would give her
+my bond, that she should be a widow within a few days."
+
+In this allusion he was prophetic;--and the apparent joy, with which he
+expected his dissolution, may be accounted for on the supposition--that
+the profligate characters, which he has pourtrayed in "The Beaux
+Stratagem," were such as he had uniformly met with in the world;--and
+he was rejoiced to leave them all behind.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
+
+                        DRURY LANE.      COVENT GARDEN.
+  AIMWELL              _Mr. Holland._    _Mr. Brunton._
+  SIR CHARLES FREEMAN  _Mr. Bartley._    _Mr. Claremont._
+  ARCHER               _Mr. Elliston._   _Mr. Lewis._
+  SULLEN               _Mr. Powell._     _Mr. Murray._
+  FOIGARD              _Mr. Johnstone._  _Mr. Rock._
+  BONIFACE             _Mr. Palmer._     _Mr. Davenport._
+  GIBBET               _Mr. Wewitzer._   _Mr. Emery._
+  HOUNSLOW             _Mr. Maddocks._   _Mr. Atkins._
+  BAGSHOT              _Mr. Webb._       _Mr. Abbot._
+  SCRUB                _Mr. Bannister._  _Mr. Munden._
+
+  LADY BOUNTIFUL       _Mrs. Sparks._    _Mrs. Emery._
+  MRS. SULLEN          _Mrs. Jordan._    _Mrs. Glover._
+  DORINDA              _Miss Mellon._    _Miss Brunton._
+  CHERRY               _Miss De Camp._   _Mrs. Martyr._
+  GIPSEY               _Mrs. Scott._     _Mrs. Beverly._
+
+  _SCENE,--Litchfield._
+
+
+
+
+THE
+
+BEAUX STRATAGEM.
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIRST.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_An Inn._
+
+_Enter_ BONIFACE, _running.--Bar Bell rings._
+
+
+_Bon._ Chamberlain! Maid! Cherry! Daughter Cherry! All asleep? all dead?
+
+
+     _Enter_ CHERRY, _running_.
+
+
+_Cher._ Here! here! Why d'ye bawl so, father? d'ye think we have no
+ears?
+
+_Bon._ You deserve to have none, you young minx:--The company of the
+Warrington coach has stood in the hall this hour, and nobody to show
+them to their chambers.
+
+_Cher._ And let them wait, father;--there's neither red coat in the
+coach, nor footman behind it.
+
+_Bon._ But they threaten to go to another inn to-night.
+
+_Cher._ That they dare not, for fear the coachman should overturn
+them to-morrow--[_Ringing._] Coming! coming!--Here's the London coach
+arrived.
+
+     _Enter several_ PEOPLE _with Trunks, Bandboxes, and other
+     Luggage, and cross the Stage_.
+
+_Bon._ Welcome ladies.
+
+_Cher._ Very welcome, gentlemen----Chamberlain, show the lion and the
+rose. [_Exit with the_ COMPANY.
+
+     _Enter_ AIMWELL, _in a Riding Habit_, ARCHER _as Footman,
+     carrying a Portmanteau_.
+
+_Bon._ This way, this way, gentlemen.
+
+_Aim._ Set down the things; go to the stable, and see my horses well
+rubbed.
+
+_Arch._ I shall, sir. [_Exit._
+
+_Aim._ You're my landlord, I suppose?
+
+_Bon._ Yes, sir, I'm old Will Boniface, pretty well known upon this
+road, as the saying is.
+
+_Aim._ O, Mr. Boniface, your servant.
+
+_Bon._ O, sir,----what will your honour please to drink, as the saying
+is?
+
+_Aim._ I have heard your town of Litchfield much famed for ale, I think:
+I'll taste that.
+
+_Bon._ Sir, I have now in my cellar ten tun of the best ale in
+Staffordshire; 'tis smooth as oil, sweet as milk, clear as amber, and
+strong as brandy, and will be just fourteen years old the fifth day of
+next March.
+
+_Aim._ You are very exact, I find, in the age of your ale.
+
+_Bon._ As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my children: I'll show
+you such ale----Here, tapster, broach number 1792, as the saying
+is:----Sir, you shall taste my Anno Domini----I have lived in
+Litchfield, man and boy, above eight and fifty years, and I believe
+have not consumed eight and fifty ounces of meat.
+
+_Aim._ At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your sense by your bulk.
+
+_Bon._ Not in my life, sir; I have fed purely upon ale: I have eat my
+ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale.
+
+     _Enter_ TAPSTER, _with a Tankard_.
+
+Now, sir, you shall see: your worship's health: ha! delicious,
+delicious----fancy it Burgundy, only fancy it, and 'tis worth ten
+shillings a quart.
+
+_Aim._ [_Drinks._] 'Tis confounded strong.
+
+_Bon._ Strong! it must be so; or how would we be strong that drink it?
+
+_Aim._ And have you lived so long upon this ale, landlord?
+
+_Bon._ Eight and fifty years, upon my credit, sir; but it killed my
+wife, poor woman, as the saying is.
+
+_Aim._ How came that to pass?
+
+_Bon._ I don't know how, sir; she would not let the ale take its natural
+course, sir: she was for qualifying it every now and then with a dram,
+as the saying is, and an honest gentleman, that came this way from
+Ireland, made her a present of a dozen bottles of Usquebaugh----but the
+poor woman was never well after; but, however, I was obliged to the
+gentleman, you know.
+
+_Aim._ Why, was it the Usquebaugh that killed her?
+
+_Bon._ My Lady Bountiful said so--she, good lady, did what could be
+done; she cured her of three tympanies, but the fourth carried her off;
+but she's happy, and I'm contented, as the saying is.
+
+_Aim._ Who's that Lady Bountiful, you mentioned?
+
+_Bon._ 'Ods my life, sir, we'll drink her health. [_Drinks._] My Lady
+Bountiful is one of the best of women: her last husband, Sir Charles
+Bountiful, left her worth a thousand pounds a year; and I believe
+she lays out one half on't in charitable uses, for the good of her
+neighbours: she cures all disorders incidental to men, women and
+children; in short, she has cured more people in and about Litchfield
+within ten years, than the doctors have killed in twenty, and that's a
+bold word.
+
+_Aim._ Has the lady been any other way useful in her generation?
+
+_Bon._ Yes, sir, she has a daughter by Sir Charles, the finest woman
+in all our country, and the greatest fortune: she has a son too by her
+first husband, 'Squire Sullen, who married a fine lady from London
+t'other day; if you please, sir, we'll drink his health.
+
+_Aim._ What sort of a man is he?
+
+_Bon._ Why, sir, the man's well enough; says little, thinks less, and
+does--nothing at all, 'faith: but he's a man of great estate, and values
+nobody.
+
+_Aim._ A sportsman, I suppose?
+
+_Bon._ Yes, sir, he's a man of pleasure; he plays at whist, and smokes
+his pipe eight-and-forty hours together sometimes.
+
+_Aim._ A fine sportsman truly! and married, you say?
+
+_Bon._ Ay, and to a curious woman, sir--but he's a---- He wants it here,
+sir. [_Pointing to his Forehead._
+
+_Aim._ He has it there, you mean.
+
+_Bon._ That's none of my business; he's my landlord, and so a man, you
+know, would not----but I'cod he's no better than--sir, my humble service
+to you. [_Drinks._] Though I value not a farthing what he can do to me;
+I pay him his rent at quarter day; I have a good running trade; I have
+but one daughter, and I can give her--but no matter for that.
+
+_Aim._ You are very happy, Mr. Boniface; pray what other company have
+you in town?
+
+_Bon._ A power of fine ladies; and then we have the French Officers.
+
+_Aim._ O that's right, you have a good many of those gentlemen: pray how
+do you like their company?
+
+_Bon._ So well, as the saying is, that I could wish we had as many more
+of them; they are full of money, and pay double for every thing they
+have; they know, sir, that we paid good round taxes for the taking of
+them, and so they are willing to reimburse us a little; one of them
+lodges in my house.
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER.
+
+_Arch._ Landlord, there are some French Gentlemen below, that ask for
+you.
+
+_Bon._ I'll wait on them----Does your master stay long in town, as the
+saying is? [_To_ ARCHER.
+
+_Arch._ I can't tell, as the saying is.
+
+_Bon._ Come from London?
+
+_Arch._ No!
+
+_Bon._ Going to London, mayhap?
+
+_Arch._ No!
+
+_Bon._ An odd fellow this; [_Bar Bell rings._] I beg your worship's
+pardon, I'll wait on you in half a minute. [_Exit._
+
+_Aim._ The coast's clear, I see--Now, my dear Archer, welcome to
+Litchfield!
+
+_Arch._ I thank thee, my dear brother in iniquity.
+
+_Aim._ Iniquity! pr'ythee, leave canting; you need not change your style
+with your dress.
+
+_Arch._ Don't mistake me, Aimwell, for 'tis still my maxim, that there's
+no scandal like rags, nor any crimes so shameful as poverty. Men must
+not be poor; idleness is the root of all evil; the world's wide enough,
+let them bustle; fortune has taken the weak under her protection, but
+men of sense are left to their industry.
+
+_Aim._ Upon which topic we proceed, and, I think, luckily hitherto:
+would not any man swear now, that I am a man of quality, and you my
+servant, when, if our intrinsic value were known----
+
+_Arch._ Come, come, we are the men of intrinsic value, who can strike
+our fortunes out of ourselves, whose worth is independent of accidents
+in life, or revolutions in government: we have heads to get money, and
+hearts to spend it.
+
+_Aim._ As to our hearts, I grant ye, they are as willing tits as any
+within twenty degrees; but I can have no great opinion of our heads,
+from the service they have done us hitherto, unless it be that they
+brought us from London hither to Litchfield, made me a lord, and you my
+servant.
+
+_Arch._ That's more than you could expect already, but what money have
+we left?
+
+_Aim._ But two hundred pounds.
+
+_Arch._ And our horses, clothes, rings, &c. Why we have very good
+fortunes now for moderate people; and let me tell you, that this two
+hundred pounds, with the experience that we are now masters of, is a
+better estate than the ten thousand we have spent----Our friends indeed
+began to suspect that our pockets were low, but we came off with flying
+colours, showed no signs of want either in word or deed.
+
+_Aim._ Ay, and our going to Brussels was a good pretence enough for our
+sudden disappearing; and, I warrant you, our friends imagine, that we
+are gone a volunteering.
+
+_Arch._ Why 'faith if this project fails, it must e'en come to that.
+I am for venturing one of the hundreds, if you will, upon this knight
+errantry; but in the case it should fail, we'll reserve the other to
+carry us to some counterscarp, where we may die as we lived, in a blaze.
+
+_Aim._ With all my heart, and we have lived justly, Archer; we can't say
+that we have spent our fortunes, but that we have enjoyed them.
+
+_Arch._ Right; so much pleasure for so much money; we have had our
+pennyworths; and had I millions, I would go to the same market again.
+O London, London! well, we have had our share, and let us be thankful:
+past pleasures, for aught I know, are best; such we are sure of; those
+to come may disappoint us, but you command for the day, and so I
+submit:--At Nottingham, you know, I am to be master.
+
+_Aim._ And at Lincoln, I again.
+
+_Arch._ Then, at Norwich, I mount, which, I think, shall be our last
+stage; for, if we fail there, we'll embark for Holland, bid adieu to
+Venus, and welcome Mars.
+
+_Aim._ A match--
+
+     _Enter_ BONIFACE.
+
+Mum.
+
+_Bon._ What will your worship please to have for supper?
+
+_Aim._ What have you got?
+
+_Bon._ Sir, we have a delicate piece of beef in the pot, and a pig at
+the fire.
+
+_Aim._ Good supper meat, I must confess----I can't eat beef, landlord.
+
+_Arch._ And I hate pig.
+
+_Aim._ Hold your prating, sirrah! do you know who you are? [_Aside._
+
+_Bon._ Please to bespeak something else; I have every thing in the
+house.
+
+_Aim._ Have you any veal?
+
+_Bon._ Veal, sir! we had a delicate loin of veal on Wednesday last.
+
+_Aim._ Have you got any fish, or wild fowl?
+
+_Bon._ As for fish, truly, sir, we are an inland town, and indifferently
+provided with fish, that's the truth on't; but then for wild fowl!--We
+have a delicate couple of rabbits.
+
+_Aim._ Get me the rabbits fricasseed.
+
+_Bon._ Fricasseed! Lard, sir, they'll eat much better smothered with
+onions.
+
+_Arch._ Pshaw! Rot your onions.
+
+_Aim._ Again, sirrah;----Well, landlord, what you please; but hold, I
+have a small charge of money, and your house is so full of strangers,
+that I believe it may be safer in your custody than mine; for when this
+fellow of mine gets drunk, he minds nothing--Here, sirrah, reach me the
+strong box.
+
+_Arch._ Yes, sir,----this will give us reputation. [_Aside.--Brings the
+Box._
+
+_Aim._ Here, landlord, the locks are sealed down, both for your security
+and mine; it holds somewhat above two hundred pounds; if you doubt it,
+I'll count it to you after supper: But be sure you lay it where I may
+have it at a minute's warning: for my affairs are a little dubious at
+present; perhaps I may be gone in half an hour, perhaps I may be your
+guest till the best part of that be spent; and pray order your ostler to
+keep my horses ready saddled: But one thing above the rest I must beg,
+that you would let this fellow have none of your Anno Domini, as you
+call it;--for he's the most insufferable sot----Here, sirrah, light me
+to my chamber.
+
+_Arch._ Yes, sir! [_Exit, lighted by_ ARCHER.
+
+_Bon._ Cherry, daughter Cherry.
+
+     _Enter_ CHERRY.
+
+_Cher._ D'ye call, father?
+
+_Bon._ Ay, child, you must lay by this box for the gentleman, 'tis full
+of money.
+
+_Cher._ Money! all that money! why sure, father, the gentleman comes to
+be chosen parliament man. Who is he?
+
+_Bon._ I don't know what to make of him; he talks of keeping his horses
+ready saddled, and of going, perhaps, at a minute's warning; or of
+staying, perhaps, till the best part of this be spent.
+
+_Cher._ Ay! ten to one, father, he's a highwayman.
+
+_Bon._ A highwayman! upon my life, girl, you have hit it, and this box
+is some new purchased booty.--Now, could we find him out, the money were
+ours.
+
+_Cher._ He don't belong to our gang.
+
+_Bon._ What horses have they?
+
+_Cher._ The master rides upon a black.
+
+_Bon._ A black! ten to one the man upon the black mare: and since
+he don't belong to our fraternity, we may betray him with a safe
+conscience: I don't think it lawful to harbour any rogues but my own.
+Lookye, child, as the saying is, we must go cunningly to work; proofs we
+must have; the gentleman's servant loves drink; I'll ply him that way,
+and ten to one he loves a wench; you must work him t'other way.
+
+_Cher._ Father, would you have me give my secret for his?
+
+_Bon._ Consider, child, there's two hundred pound, to boot. [_Ringing
+without._] Coming, coming--child, mind your business. [_Exit_ BONIFACE.
+
+_Cher._ What a rogue is my father! My father! I deny it----My mother
+was a good, generous, free-hearted woman, and I can't tell how far
+her goodnature might have extended for the good of her children. This
+landlord of mine, for I think I can call him no more, would betray his
+guest, and debauch his daughter into the bargain,----by a footman too!
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER.
+
+_Arch._ What footman, pray, mistress, is so happy as to be the subject
+of your contemplation?
+
+_Cher._ Whoever he is, friend, he'll be but little the better for't.
+
+_Arch._ I hope so, for, I'm sure, you did not think of me.
+
+_Cher._ Suppose I had?
+
+_Arch._ Why then you're but even with me; for the minute I came in, I
+was considering in what manner I should make love to you.
+
+_Cher._ Love to me, friend!
+
+_Arch._ Yes, child.
+
+_Cher._ Child! manners; if you kept a little more distance, friend, it
+would become you much better.
+
+_Arch._ Distance! good night, saucebox. [_Going._
+
+_Cher._ A pretty fellow; I like his pride.--Sir--pray, sir--you see,
+sir. [ARCHER _returns_.] I have the credit to be entrusted with your
+master's fortune here, which sets me a degree above his footman; I hope,
+sir, you an't affronted.
+
+_Arch._ Let me look you full in the face, and I'll tell you whether you
+can affront me or no.----'Sdeath, child, you have a pair of delicate
+eyes, and you don't know what to do with them.
+
+_Cher._ Why, sir, don't I see every body!
+
+_Arch._ Ay, but if some women had them, they would kill every
+body.----Pr'ythee instruct me; I would fain make love to you, but I
+don't know what to say.
+
+_Cher._ Why, did you never make love to any body before?
+
+_Arch._ Never to a person of your figure, I can assure you, madam; my
+addresses have been always confined to people within my own sphere, I
+never aspired so high before. [ARCHER _sings_.
+
+  _But you look so bright,
+  And are dress'd so tight,
+  That a man would swear you're right,
+  As arm was e'er laid over._
+
+_Cher._ Will you give me that song, sir?
+
+_Arch._ Ay, my dear, take it while it is warm. [_Kisses her._] Death and
+fire! her lips are honeycombs.
+
+_Cher._ And I wish there had been a swarm of bees too, to have stung you
+for your impudence.
+
+_Arch._ There's a swarm of Cupids, my little Venus, that has done the
+business much better.
+
+_Cher._ This fellow is misbegotten, as well as I. [_Aside._] What's your
+name, sir?
+
+_Arch._ Name! egad, I have forgot it. [_Aside._] Oh, Martin.
+
+_Cher._ Where were you born?
+
+_Arch._ In St. Martin's parish.
+
+_Cher._ What was your father?
+
+_Arch._ Of--of--St. Martin's parish.
+
+_Cher._ Then, friend, goodnight.
+
+_Arch._ I hope not.
+
+_Cher._ You may depend upon't.
+
+_Arch._ Upon what?
+
+_Cher._ That you're very impudent.
+
+_Arch._ That you're very handsome.
+
+_Cher._ That you're a footman.
+
+_Arch._ That you're an angel.
+
+_Cher._ I shall be rude.
+
+_Arch._ So shall I.
+
+_Cher._ Let go my hand.
+
+_Arch._ Give me a kiss. [_Kisses her._
+
+_Boniface._ [_Calls without._] Cherry, Cherry!
+
+_Cher._ I'm----My father calls; you plaguy devil, how durst you stop my
+breath so?--Offer to follow me one step, if you dare. [_Exit._
+
+_Arch._ A fair challenge, by this light; this is a pretty fair opening
+of an adventure; but we are knight-errants, and so fortune be our guide!
+[_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE SECOND.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_.
+
+MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA _meeting_.
+
+
+_Dor._ 'Morrow, my dear sister; are you for church this morning?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Any where to pray; for Heaven alone can help me: but I
+think, Dorinda, there's no form of prayer in the Liturgy against bad
+husbands.
+
+_Dor._ But there's a form of law at Doctors' Commons; and I swear,
+sister Sullen, rather than see you thus continually discontented, I
+would advise you to apply to that: for besides the part that I bear in
+your vexatious broils, as being sister to the husband, and friend to the
+wife, your examples give me such an impression of matrimony, that I
+shall be apt to condemn my person to a long vacation all its life--But
+supposing, madam, that you brought it to a case of separation, what can
+you urge against your husband? my brother is, first, the most constant
+man alive.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The most constant husband, I grant ye.
+
+_Dor._ He never sleeps from you.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ No, he always sleeps with me.
+
+_Dor._ He allows you a maintenance suitable to your quality.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ A maintenance! do you take me, madam, for an hospital child,
+that I must sit down and bless my benefactors, for meat, drink, and
+clothes? As I take it, madam, I brought your brother ten thousand
+pounds, out of which I might expect some pretty things, called
+pleasures.
+
+_Dor._ You share in all the pleasures that the country affords.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Country pleasures! racks and torments! dost think, child,
+that my limbs were made for leaping of ditches, and clambering over
+stiles; or that my parents, wisely foreseeing my future happiness in
+country pleasures, had early instructed me in the rural accomplishments
+of drinking fat ale, playing at whist, and smoaking tobacco with my
+husband; and stilling rosemary water, with the good old gentlewoman my
+mother-in-law?
+
+_Dor._ I'm sorry, madam, that it is not more in our power to divert you;
+I could wish, indeed, that our entertainments were a little more polite,
+or your taste a little less refined; but pray, madam, how came the poets
+and philosophers, that laboured so much in hunting after pleasure, to
+place it at last in a country life?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Because they wanted money, child, to find out the pleasures
+of the town: Did you ever hear of a poet or philosopher worth ten
+thousand pounds? if you can show me such a man, I'll lay you fifty
+pounds you'll find him somewhere within the weekly bills. Not that I
+disapprove rural pleasures, as the poets have painted them in their
+landscapes; every Phyllis has her Corydon, every murmuring stream, and
+every flowery mead give fresh alarms to love----Besides, you'll find,
+their couples were never married:----But yonder, I see my Corydon, and a
+sweet swain it is, Heaven knows--Come, Dorinda, don't be angry, he's my
+husband, and your brother, and between both, is he not a sad brute?
+
+_Dor._ I have nothing to say to your part of him; you're the best judge.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ O sister, sister! if ever you marry, beware of a sullen,
+silent sot, one that's always musing, but never thinks--There's some
+diversion in a talking blockhead; and since a woman must wear chains, I
+would have the pleasure of hearing 'em rattle a little.--Now you shall
+see; but take this by the way; he came home this morning, at his usual
+hour of four, waked me out of a sweet dream of something else, by tumbling
+over the tea-table, which he broke all to pieces; after his man and he
+has rolled about the room like sick passengers in a storm, he comes
+flounce into bed, dead as a salmon into a fishmonger's basket; his feet
+cold as ice, his breath hot as a furnace, and his hands and his face as
+greasy as his flannel night-cap----Oh matrimony! matrimony!----He tosses
+up the clothes with a barbarous swing over his shoulders, disorders the
+whole economy of my bed, and my whole night's comfort is the tuneable
+serenade of that wakeful nightingale, his nose.----O the pleasure of
+counting the melancholy clock by a snoring husband!----But now, sister,
+you shall see how handsomely, being a well-bred man, he will beg my
+pardon.
+
+     _Enter_ SULLEN.
+
+_Sul._ My head aches consumedly.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Will you be pleased, my dear, to drink tea with us this
+morning? it may do your head good.
+
+_Sul._ No.
+
+_Dor._ Coffee, brother?
+
+_Sul._ Pshaw?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Will you please to dress, and go to church with me? the air
+may help you.
+
+_Sul._ Scrub!
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB.
+
+_Scrub._ Sir!
+
+_Sul._ What day o'the week is this?
+
+_Scrub._ Sunday, an't please your worship.
+
+_Sul._ Sunday! bring me a dram; and, d'ye hear, set out the venison
+pasty, and a tankard of strong beer upon the hall table, I'll go to
+breakfast. [_Going._
+
+_Dor._ Stay, stay, brother, you shan't get off so; you were very naught
+last night, and must make your wife reparation: come, come, brother,
+won't you ask pardon?
+
+_Sul._ For what?
+
+_Dor._ For being drunk last night.
+
+_Sul._ I can afford it, can't I?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ But I can't, sir.
+
+_Sul._ Then you may let it alone.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ But I must tell you, sir, that this is not to be borne.
+
+_Sul._ I'm glad on't.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What is the reason, sir, that you use me thus inhumanly?
+
+_Sul._ Scrub!
+
+_Scrub._ Sir!
+
+_Sul._ Get things ready to shave my head. [_Exit._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Have a care of coming near his temples, Scrub, for fear you
+meet something there that may turn the edge of your razor. [_Exit_
+SCRUB.] Inveterate stupidity! did you ever know so hard, so obstinate a
+spleen as his? O sister, sister! I shall never have good of the beast
+till I get him to town; London, dear London, is the place for managing
+and breaking a husband.
+
+_Dor._ And has not a husband the same opportunities there for humbling a
+wife?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ No, no, child; 'tis a standing maxim in conjugal discipline,
+that when a man would enslave his wife, he hurries her into the country;
+and when a lady would be arbitrary with her husband, she wheedles her
+booby up to town----A man dare not play the tyrant in London, because
+there are so many examples to encourage the subject to rebel, O Dorinda,
+Dorinda! a fine woman may do any thing in London: On my conscience, she
+may raise an army of forty thousand men.
+
+_Dor._ I fancy, sister, you have a mind to be trying your power that
+way here in Litchfield; you have drawn the French Count to your colours
+already.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The French are a people that can't live without their
+gallantries.
+
+_Dor._ And some English that I know, sister, are not averse to such
+amusements.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Well, sister, since the truth must out, it may do as well
+now as hereafter; I think, one way to rouse my lethargic, sottish,
+husband, is to give him a rival; security begets negligence in all
+people, and men must be alarmed to make them alert in their duty; women
+are like pictures, of no value in the hands of a fool, till he hears men
+of sense bid high for the purchase.
+
+_Dor._ This might do, sister, if my brother's understanding were to be
+convinced into a passion for you; but, I believe, there's a natural
+aversion on his side; and I fancy, sister, that you don't come much
+behind him, if you dealt fairly.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I own it; we are united contradictions, fire and water.
+But I could be contented, with a great many other wives, to humour the
+censorious vulgar, and give the world an appearance of living well with
+my husband, could I bring him but to dissemble a little kindness, to
+keep me in countenance.
+
+_Dor._ But how do you know, sister, but that instead of rousing your
+husband by this artifice to a counterfeit kindness, he should awake in
+a real fury?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Let him:--If I can't entice him to the one, I would provoke
+him to the other.
+
+_Dor._ But how must I behave myself between ye?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ You must assist me.
+
+_Dor._ What, against my own brother!
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ He is but your half brother, and I'm your entire friend: If
+I go a step beyond the bounds of honour, leave me; till then, I expect
+you should go along with me in every thing; while I trust my honour in
+your hands, you may trust your brother's in mine--The Count is to dine
+here to-day.
+
+_Dor._ 'Tis a strange thing, sister, that I can't like that man.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ You like nothing; your time is not come; love and death have
+their fatalities, and strike home one time or other:--You'll pay for all
+one day, I warrant ye--But come, my lady's tea is ready, and 'tis almost
+church time. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_The Inn._
+
+_Enter_ AIMWELL, _dressed, and_ ARCHER.
+
+
+_Aim._ And was she the daughter of the house?
+
+_Arch._ The Landlord is so blind as to think so; but, I dare swear, she
+has better blood in her veins.
+
+_Aim._ Why dost think so?
+
+_Arch._ Because the baggage has a pert _je-ne-scai-quoi_; she reads
+plays, keeps a monkey, and is troubled with vapours.
+
+_Aim._ By which discoveries, I guess that you know more of her.
+
+_Arch._ Not yet, 'faith: the lady gives herself airs, forsooth; nothing
+under a gentleman.
+
+_Aim._ Let me take her in hand.
+
+_Arch._ Say one word more o'that, and I'll declare myself, spoil your
+sport there, and every where else: lookye, Aimwell, every man in his own
+sphere.
+
+_Aim._ Right; and therefore you must pimp for your master.
+
+_Arch._ In the usual forms, good sir, after I have served myself.--But
+to our business--You are so well dressed, Tom, and make so handsome a
+figure, that I fancy you may do execution in a country church; the
+exterior part strikes first, and you're in the right to make that
+impression favourable.
+
+_Aim._ There's something in that which may turn to advantage: the
+appearance of a stranger in a country church draws as many gazers as a
+blazing star; no sooner he comes into the cathedral, but a train of
+whispers runs buzzing round the congregation in a moment:--Who is he?
+whence comes he? do you know him?--Then I, sir, tip the verger half a
+crown; he pockets the simony, and inducts me into the best pew in the
+church; I pull out my snuff-box, turn myself round, bow to the Bishop or
+the Dean, if he be the commanding officer; single out a beauty, rivet
+both my eyes to hers, set my nose a-bleeding by the strength of
+imagination, and show the whole church my concern, by my endeavouring to
+hide it: after the sermon, the whole town gives me to her for a lover;
+and, by persuading the lady that I am dying for her, the tables are
+turned, and she, in good earnest, falls in love with me.
+
+_Arch._ There's nothing in this, Tom, without a precedent; but, instead
+of riveting your eyes to a beauty, try to fix them upon a fortune;
+that's our business at present.
+
+_Aim._ Pshaw! no woman can be a beauty without a fortune.--Let me alone
+for a marksman.
+
+_Arch._ Tom!
+
+_Aim._ Ay!
+
+_Arch._ When were you at church before, pray?
+
+_Aim._ Um--I was there at the coronation.
+
+_Arch._ And how can you expect a blessing by going to church now?
+
+_Aim._ Blessing? nay, Frank, I ask but for a wife! [_Exit._
+
+_Arch._ Truly, the man is not very unreasonable in his demands.
+[_Exit, at the opposite Door._
+
+     _Enter_ BONIFACE _and_ CHERRY.
+
+_Bon._ Well, daughter, as the saying is, have you brought Martin to
+confess?
+
+_Cher._ Pray, father, don't put me upon getting any thing out of a man;
+I'm but young, you know, father, and don't understand wheedling.
+
+_Bon._ Young! why, you jade, as the saying is, can any woman wheedle
+that is not young? Your mother was useless at five and twenty! Would you
+make your mother a whore, and me a cuckold, as the saying is? I tell
+you, silence confesses it, and his master spends his money so freely,
+and is so much a gentleman every manner of way, that he must be a
+highwayman.
+
+     _Enter_ GIBBET, _in a Cloak_.
+
+_Gib._ Landlord! Landlord! is the coast clear?
+
+_Bon._ O, Mr. Gibbet, what's the news?
+
+_Gib._ No matter; ask no questions; all fair and honourable. Here,
+my dear Cherry. [_Gives her a Bag._] Two hundred sterling pounds,
+as good as ever hanged or saved a rogue; lay them by with the rest.
+And here--three wedding, or mourning rings--'tis much the same, you
+know----Here, two silver hilted swords; I took those from fellows that
+never show any part of their swords but the hilts: here is a diamond
+necklace, which the lady hid in the privatest part in the coach, but I
+found it out: this gold watch I took from a pawnbroker's wife; it was
+left in her hands by a person of quality; there's the arms upon the
+case.
+
+_Cher._ But who had you the money from?
+
+_Gib._ Ah! poor woman! I pitied her--from a poor lady, just eloped from
+her husband; she had made up her cargo, and was bound for Ireland, as
+hard as she could drive: she told me of her husband's barbarous usage,
+and so, faith, I left her half a crown. But I had almost forgot, my dear
+Cherry; I have a present for you.
+
+_Cher._ What is't?
+
+_Gib._ A pot of ceruse, my child, that I took out of a lady's under
+petticoat pocket.
+
+_Cher._ What, Mr. Gibbet, do you think, that I paint?
+
+_Gib._ Why, you jade, your betters do; I am sure, the lady that I took
+it from had a coronet upon her handkerchief.----Here, take my cloak, and
+go, secure the premises.
+
+_Cher._ I will secure them. [_Exit._
+
+_Bon._ But, harkye, where's Hounslow and Bagshot?
+
+_Gib._ They'll be here to-night.
+
+_Bon._ D'ye know of any other gentlemen o' the pad on this road?
+
+_Gib._ No.
+
+_Bon._ I fancy, that I have two that lodge in the house just now.
+
+_Gib._ The devil! how d'ye smoak them?
+
+_Bon._ Why, the one is gone to church.
+
+_Gib._ To church! that's suspicious, I must confess.
+
+_Bon._ And the other is now in his master's chamber: he pretends to be a
+servant to the other; we'll call him out, and pump him a little.
+
+_Gib._ With all my heart.
+
+_Bon._ Mr. Martin! Mr. Martin!
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER, _brushing a Hat, and singing_.
+
+_Gib._ The roads are consumed deep; I'm as dirty as Old Brentford at
+Christmas.----A good pretty fellow--Who's servant are you, friend?
+
+_Arch._ My master's.
+
+_Gib._ Really!
+
+_Arch._ Really.
+
+_Gib._ That's much--The fellow has been at the bar, by his
+evasions:--But pray, sir, what is your master's name?
+
+Arch. _Tall, all, dall._ [Sings, and brushes the Hat.] This is the
+most obstinate spot----
+
+_Gib._ I ask you his name?
+
+_Arch._ Name, sir,--_Tall, all, dall_--I never asked him his name in my
+life. _Tall, all, dall._
+
+_Bon._ What think you now?
+
+_Gib._ Plain, plain; he talks now as if he were before a judge: but
+pray, friend, which way does your master travel?
+
+_Arch._ On horseback.
+
+_Gib._ Very well again; an old offender--Right; but, I mean, does he go
+upwards or downwards?
+
+_Arch._ Downwards, I fear, sir! _Tall, all._
+
+_Gib._ I'm afraid thy fate will be a contrary way.
+
+_Bon._ Ha! ha! ha! Mr. Martin, you're very arch--This gentleman is only
+travelling towards Chester, and would be glad of your company, that's
+all--Come, Captain, you'll stay to-night, I suppose; I'll show you a
+chamber----Come, Captain.
+
+_Gib._ Farewell, friend----[_Exeunt_ GIBBET _and_ BONIFACE.
+
+_Arch._ Captain, your servant----Captain! a pretty fellow! 'Sdeath,
+I wonder that the officers of the army don't conspire to beat all
+scoundrels in red but their own.
+
+     _Enter_ CHERRY.
+
+_Cher._ Gone, and Martin here! I hope he did not listen: I would have
+the merit of the discovery all my own, because I would oblige him to
+love me. [_Aside._]--Mr. Martin, who was that man with my father?
+
+_Arch._ Some recruiting sergeant, or whipped out trooper, I suppose.
+
+_Cher._ All's safe, I find. [_Aside._
+
+_Arch._ Come, my dear, have you conned over the catechism I taught you
+last night?
+
+_Cher._ Come, question me.
+
+_Arch._ What is love?
+
+_Cher._ Love is I know not what, it comes I know not how, and goes I
+know not when.
+
+_Arch._ Very well, an apt scholar. [_Chucks her under the Chin._] Where
+does love enter?
+
+_Cher._ Into the eyes.
+
+_Arch._ And where go out?
+
+_Cher._ I won't tell you.
+
+_Arch._ What are the objects of that passion?
+
+_Cher._ Youth, beauty, and clean linen.
+
+_Arch._ The reason?
+
+_Cher._ The two first are fashionable in nature, and the third at court.
+
+_Arch._ That's my dear--What are the signs and tokens of that passion?
+
+_Cher._ A stealing look, a stammering tongue, words improbable, designs
+impossible, and actions impracticable.
+
+_Arch._ That's my good child, kiss me.----What must a lover do to obtain
+his mistress?
+
+_Cher._ He must adore the person that disdains him, he must bribe the
+chambermaid that betrays him, and court the footman that laughs at
+him!----He must, he must----
+
+_Arch._ Nay, child, I must whip you if you don't mind your lesson; he
+must treat his----
+
+_Cher._ O! ay, he must treat his enemies with respect, his friends with
+indifference, and all the world with contempt; he must suffer much, and
+fear more; he must desire much, and hope little; in short, he must
+embrace his ruin, and throw himself away.
+
+_Arch._ Had ever man so hopeful a pupil as mine? Come, my dear, why is
+love called a riddle?
+
+_Cher._ Because, being blind, he leads those that see; and, though a
+child, he governs a man.
+
+_Arch._ Mighty well--And why is love pictured blind?
+
+_Cher._ Because the painters, out of their weakness, or privilege of
+their art, chose to hide those eyes they could not draw.
+
+_Arch._ That's my dear little scholar, kiss me again.--And why should
+love, that's a child, govern a man?
+
+_Cher._ Because that a child is the end of love.
+
+_Arch._ And so ends love's catechism----And now, my dear, we'll go in,
+and make my master's bed.
+
+_Cher._ Hold, hold, Mr. Martin----You have taken a great deal of pains
+to instruct me, and what d'ye think I have learned by it?
+
+_Arch._ What?
+
+_Cher._ That your discourse and your habit are contradictions, and it
+would be nonsense in me to believe you a footman any longer.
+
+_Arch._ 'Oons, what a witch it is!
+
+_Cher._ Depend upon this, sir, nothing in that garb shall ever tempt me;
+for, though I was born to servitude, I hate it:--Own your condition,
+swear you love me, and then----
+
+_Arch._ And then we shall go make my master's bed?
+
+_Cher._ Yes.
+
+_Arch._ You must know, then, that I am born a gentleman, my education
+was liberal; but I went to London a younger brother, fell into the hands
+of sharpers, who stripped me of my money; my friends disowned me, and
+now my necessity brings me to what you see.
+
+_Cher._ Then take my hand--promise to marry me before you sleep, and
+I'll make you master of two thousand pounds.
+
+_Arch._ How!
+
+_Cher._ Two thousand pounds, that I have this minute in my own custody;
+so throw off your livery this instant, and I'll go find a parson.
+
+_Arch._ What said you? A parson!
+
+_Cher._ What! do you scruple?
+
+_Arch._ Scruple! No, no, but--two thousand pounds, you say?
+
+_Cher._ And better.
+
+_Arch._ 'Sdeath, what shall I do?--But harkye, child, what need you make
+me master of yourself and money, when you may have the same pleasure out
+of me, and still keep your fortune in your own hands?
+
+_Cher._ Then you won't marry me?
+
+_Arch._ I would marry you, but----
+
+_Cher._ O, sweet sir, I'm your humble servant; you're fairly caught:
+Would you persuade me that any gentleman, who could bear the scandal of
+wearing a livery, would refuse two thousand pounds, let the condition be
+what it would?--No, no, sir; but I hope you'll pardon the freedom I have
+taken, since it was only to inform myself of the respect that I ought to
+pay you. [_Going._
+
+_Arch._ Fairly bit, by Jupiter!--Hold, hold! And have you actually two
+thousand pounds?
+
+_Cher._ Sir, I have my secrets as well as you--when you please to
+be more open, I shall be more free; and, be assured, that I have
+discoveries that will match yours, be they what they will.--In the mean
+while, be satisfied that no discovery I make shall ever hurt you; but
+beware of my father----[_Exit._
+
+_Arch._ So--we're like to have as many adventures in our inn, as Don
+Quixotte had in his--Let me see--two thousand pounds! if the wench would
+promise to die when the money were spent, egad, one would marry her;
+but the fortune may go off in a year or two, and the wife may live--Lord
+knows how long! then an innkeeper's daughter; ay, that's the devil--there
+my pride brings me off.
+
+
+  For whatsoe'er the sages charge on pride,
+  The angels' fall, and twenty faults beside,
+  On earth, I'm sure, 'mong us of mortal calling,
+  Pride saves man oft, and woman too, from falling.
+                                           [_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE THIRD.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA.
+
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Ha! ha! ha! my dear sister, let me embrace thee: now we are
+friends indeed; for I shall have a secret of yours, as a pledge for
+mine.
+
+_Dor._ But do you think that I am so weak as to fall in love with a
+fellow at first sight?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Pshaw! now you spoil all; why should not we be as free in
+our friendships as the men? I warrant you, the gentleman has got to his
+confidant already, has avowed his passion, toasted your health, and
+called you ten thousand angels.
+
+_Dor._ Your hand, sister, I an't well.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ So--come, child, up with it--hem a little--so--now, tell me,
+don't you like the gentleman that we saw at church just now?
+
+_Dor._ The man's well enough.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Well enough! Is he not a demigod, a Narcissus, a star, the
+man i'the moon?
+
+_Dor._ O, sister, I'm extremely ill.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Come, unbosom yourself--the man is perfectly a pretty
+fellow; I saw him when he first came into church.
+
+_Dor._ I saw him too, sister, and with an air that shone, methought,
+like rays about his person.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Well said, up with it.
+
+_Dor._ No forward coquette behaviour, no airs to set himself off, no
+studied looks nor artful posture,--but nature did it all.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Better and better----One touch more; come--
+
+_Dor._ But, then his looks--Did you observe his eyes?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Yes, yes, I did--his eyes; well, what of his eyes?
+
+_Dor._ Sprightly, but not wandering; they seemed to view, but never
+gazed on any thing but me--and then his looks so humble were, and yet so
+noble, that they aimed to tell me, that he could with pride die at my
+feet, though he scorned slavery any where else.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The physic works purely--How d'ye find yourself now, my
+dear?
+
+_Dor._ Hem! much better, my dear.--O, here comes our Mercury.--
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB.
+
+Well, Scrub, what news of the gentleman?
+
+_Scrub._ Madam, I have brought you a whole packet of news.
+
+_Dor._ Open it quickly; come.
+
+_Scrub._ In the first place, I inquired who the gentleman was? They told
+me he was a stranger. Secondly, I asked, what the gentleman was? They
+answered and said, that they never saw him before. Thirdly, I inquired,
+what countryman he was? They replied, 'twas more than they knew.
+Fourthly, I demanded, whence he came? Their answer was, they could not
+tell. And, fifthly, I asked, whither he went? And they replied, they
+knew nothing of the matter.--And this is all I could learn.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ But what do the people say? can't they guess!
+
+_Scrub._ Why, some think he's a spy; some guess he's a mountebank; some
+say one thing, some another;--but, for my own part, I believe he's a
+jesuit.
+
+_Dor._ A jesuit! Why a jesuit?
+
+_Scrub._ Because he keeps his horses always ready saddled, and his
+footman talks French!
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ His footman!
+
+_Scrub._ Ay; he and the Count's footman were jabbering French, like two
+intriguing ducks in a mill-pond: and, I believe, they talked of me, for
+they laughed consumedly.
+
+_Dor._ What sort of livery has the footman?
+
+_Scrub._ Livery! lord, madam, I took him for a captain, he's so
+bedizened with lace: and then he has a silver-headed cane dangling
+at his knuckles--he carries his hands in his pockets, and walks just
+so--[_Walks in a French Air._] and has fine long hair, tied up in a
+bag.----Lord, madam, he's clear another sort of man than I.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ That may easily be--But what shall we do now, sister?
+
+_Dor._ I have it----This fellow has a world of simplicity, and some
+cunning, the first hides the latter by abundance----Scrub.
+
+_Scrub._ Madam.
+
+_Dor._ We have a great mind to know who this gentleman is, only for our
+satisfaction.
+
+_Scrub._ Yes, madam, it would be a satisfaction, no doubt.
+
+_Dor._ You must go and get acquainted with his footman, and invite him
+hither to drink a bottle of your ale, because you are butler to-day.
+
+_Scrub._ Yes, madam, I am butler every Sunday.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ O brave sister! o'my conscience, you understand the
+mathematics already--'Tis the best plot in the world;--your mother, you
+know, will be gone to church, my spouse will be got to the alehouse,
+with his scoundrels, and the house will be our own--so we drop in by
+accident, and ask the fellow some questions ourselves. In the country,
+you know, any stranger is company, and we are glad to take up with the
+butler in a country dance, and happy if he'll do us the favour.
+
+_Scrub._ Oh, madam! you wrong me: I never refused your ladyship the
+favour in my life.
+
+     _Enter_ GIPSEY.
+
+_Gip._ Ladies, dinner's upon table.
+
+_Dor._ Scrub, we'll excuse your waiting--Go where we ordered you.
+
+_Scrub._ I shall. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_The Inn._
+
+_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ ARCHER.
+
+
+_Arch._ Well, Tom, I find you are a marksman.
+
+_Aim._ A marksman! who so blind could be as not discern a swan among the
+ravens?
+
+_Arch._ Well, but harkye, Aimwell----
+
+_Aim._ Aimwell! call me Oroondates, Cesario, Amadis, all that romance
+can in a lover paint, and then I'll answer. O, Archer, I read her
+thousands in her looks! she looked like Ceres in her harvest; corn,
+wine, and oil, milk and honey; gardens, groves, and purling streams,
+played on her plenteous face.
+
+_Arch._ Her face!--her pocket, you mean. The corn, wine, and oil, lies
+there. In short, she has twenty thousand pounds, that's the English
+on't.
+
+_Aim._ Her eyes----
+
+_Arch._ Are demicannons, to be sure; so I won't stand their battery.
+[_Going._
+
+_Aim._ Pray excuse me; my passion must have vent.
+
+_Arch._ Passion! what a plague, d'ye think these romantic airs will do
+your business? Were my temper as extravagant as yours, my adventures
+have something more romantic by half.
+
+_Aim._ Your adventures!
+
+_Arch._ Yes--
+
+  The nymph, that with her twice ten hundred pounds,
+  With brazen engine hot, and coif clear starch'd,
+  Can fire the guest in warming of the bed--
+
+There's a touch of sublime Milton for you, and the subject, but an
+innkeeper's daughter. I can play with a girl, as an angler does with his
+fish; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and
+down the stream, till at last, he brings it to hand, tickles the trout,
+and so whips it into his basket.
+
+     _Enter_ BONIFACE.
+
+_Bon._ Mr. Martin, as the saying is--yonder's an honest fellow below,
+my Lady Bountiful's butler, who begs the honour, that you would go home
+with him, and see his cellar.
+
+_Arch._ Do my _baissemains_ to the gentleman, and tell him, I will do
+myself the honour to wait on him immediately, as the saying is.
+
+_Bon._ I shall do your worship's commands, as the saying is.
+[_Exit, bowing obsequiously._
+
+_Aim._ What do I hear? soft Orpheus play, and fair Toftida sing.
+
+_Arch._ Pshaw! damn your raptures; I tell you, here's a pump going to be
+put into the vessel, and the ship will get into harbour, my life on't.
+You say, there's another lady very handsome there?
+
+_Aim._ Yes, faith.
+
+_Arch._ I'm in love with her already.
+
+_Aim._ Can't you give me a bill upon Cherry in the mean time.
+
+_Arch._ No, no, friend; all her corn, wine, and oil, is ingrossed to my
+market--And, once more, I warn you, to keep your anchorage clear of
+mine; for if you fall foul on me, by this light, you shall go to the
+bottom.--What! make prize of my little frigate, while I am upon the
+cruize for you! [_Exit._
+
+     _Enter_ BONIFACE.
+
+_Aim._ Well, well, I won't--Landlord, have you any tolerable company in
+the house? I don't care for dining alone.
+
+_Bon._ Yes, sir, there's a captain below, as the saying is, that arrived
+about an hour ago.
+
+_Aim._ Gentlemen of his coat are welcome every where;--will you make
+him a compliment from me, and tell him, I should be glad of his company.
+
+_Bon._ Who shall I tell him, sir, would----
+
+_Aim._ Ha! that stroke was well thrown in----I'm only a traveller, like
+himself, and would be glad of his company, that's all.
+
+_Bon._ I obey your commands, as the saying is. [_Exit._
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER.
+
+_Arch._ 'Sdeath! I had forgot--what title will you give yourself?
+
+_Aim._ My brother's, to be sure: he would never give me any thing else,
+so I'll make bold with his honour this bout. You know the rest of your
+cue.
+
+_Arch._ Ay, ay. [_Exit._
+
+     _Enter_ GIBBET.
+
+_Gib._ Sir, I'm yours.
+
+_Aim._ 'Tis more than I deserve, sir; for I don't know you.
+
+_Gib._ I don't wonder at that, sir, for you never saw me before----I
+hope. [_Aside._
+
+_Aim._ And pray, sir, how came I by the honour of seeing you now?
+
+_Gib._ Sir, I scorn to intrude upon any gentleman--but my landlord--
+
+_Aim._ O, sir, I ask your pardon; you are the captain he told me of?
+
+_Gib._ At your service, sir.
+
+_Aim._ What regiment, may I be so bold?
+
+_Gib._ A marching regiment, sir; an old corps.
+
+_Aim._ Very old, if your coat be regimental. [_Aside._] You have served
+abroad, sir?
+
+_Gib._ Yes, sir, in the plantations; 'twas my lot to be sent into the
+worst service; I would have quitted it indeed, but a man of honour, you
+know----Besides, 'twas for the good of my country, that I should be
+abroad----Any thing for the good of one's country.--I'm a Roman for
+that.
+
+_Aim._ One of the first, I'll lay my life. [_Aside._] You found the West
+Indies very hot, sir?
+
+_Gib._ Ay, sir, too hot for me.
+
+_Aim._ Pray sir, han't I seen your face at Will's coffeehouse?
+
+_Gib._ Yes, sir, and at White's too.
+
+_Aim._ And where is your company now, captain?
+
+_Gib._ They a'nt come yet.
+
+_Aim._ Why, d'ye expect them here?
+
+_Gib._ They'll be here to-night, sir.
+
+_Aim._ Which way do they march?
+
+_Gib._ Across the country.----The devil's in't, if I han't said enough
+to encourage him to declare--but I'm afraid he's not right--I must tack
+about. [_Aside._
+
+_Aim._ Is your company to quarter at Litchfield?
+
+_Gib._ In this house, sir.
+
+_Aim._ What! all?
+
+_Gib._ My company's but thin--Ha! ha! ha! we are but three;--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Aim._ You are merry, sir.
+
+_Gib._ Ay, sir, you must excuse me, sir, I understand the world,
+especially the art of travelling: I don't care, sir, for answering
+questions directly upon the road--for I generally ride with a charge
+about me.
+
+_Aim._ Three or four, I believe. [_Aside._
+
+_Gib._ I am credibly informed, that there are highwaymen upon this
+quarter--not, sir, that I could suspect a gentleman of your figure--But,
+truly, sir, I have got such a way of evasion upon the road, that I don't
+care for speaking truth to any man.
+
+_Aim._ Your caution may be necessary--Then, I presume, you are no
+captain.
+
+_Gib._ Not I, sir; captain is a good travelling name, and so I take it.
+It stops a great many foolish inquiries, that are generally made about
+gentlemen that travel;--it gives a man an air of something, and makes
+the drawers obedient.--And, thus far, I am a captain, and no farther.
+
+_Aim._ And, pray, sir, what is your true profession?
+
+_Gib._ O, sir, you must excuse me--upon my word, sir, I don't think it
+safe to tell ye.
+
+_Aim._ Ha! ha! ha! upon my word, I commend you.--
+
+     _Enter_ BONIFACE.
+
+Well, Mr. Boniface, what's the news?
+
+_Bon._ There's another gentleman below, as the saying is, that, hearing
+you were but two, would be glad to make the third man, if you'd give him
+leave.
+
+_Aim._ What is he?
+
+_Bon._ A clergyman, as the saying is.
+
+_Aim._ A clergyman!--is he really a clergyman? or is it only his
+travelling name, as my friend the captain has it.
+
+_Bon._ O, sir, he's a priest, and chaplain to the French officers in
+town.
+
+_Aim._ Is he a Frenchman?
+
+_Bon._ Yes, sir; born at Brussels.
+
+_Gib._ A Frenchman, and a priest! I won't be seen in his company,
+sir;--I have a value for my reputation, sir.
+
+_Aim._ Nay, but, captain, since we are by ourselves--Can he speak
+English, landlord?
+
+_Bon._ Very well, sir; you may know him, as the saying is, to be a
+foreigner by his accent, and that's all.
+
+_Aim._ Then he has been in England before?
+
+_Bon._ Never, sir, but he's a master of languages, as the saying is--he
+talks Latin; it does me good to hear him talk Latin.
+
+_Aim._ Then you understand Latin, Mr. Boniface?
+
+_Bon._ Not I, sir, as the saying is;--but he talks it so very fast, that
+I'm sure it must be good.
+
+_Aim._ Pray desire him to walk up.
+
+_Bon._ Here he is, as the saying is.
+
+     _Enter_ FOIGARD.
+
+_Foig._ Save you, gentlemens bote.
+
+_Aim._ A Frenchman!--Sir, your most humble servant.
+
+_Foig._ Och, dear joy, I am your most faithful shervant; and yours
+alsho.
+
+_Gib._ Doctor, you talk very good English, but you have a mighty twang
+of the foreigner.
+
+_Foig._ My English is very well for the vords; but ve foreigners, you
+know, cannot bring our tongues about the pronunciation so soon.
+
+_Aim._ A foreigner! A downright teague, by this light. [_Aside._] Were
+you born in France, doctor?
+
+_Foig._ I was educated in France, but I was borned at Brussels; I am a
+subject of the King of Spain, joy.
+
+_Gib._ What King of Spain, sir? speak.
+
+_Foig._ Upon my shoul, joy, I cannot tell you as yet.
+
+_Aim._ Nay, captain, that was too hard upon the doctor; he's a stranger.
+
+_Foig._ O, let him alone, dear joy, I am of a nation that is not easily
+put out of countenance.
+
+_Aim._ Come, gentlemen, I'll end the dispute----Here, landlord, is
+dinner ready?
+
+_Bon._ Upon the table, as the saying is.
+
+_Aim._ Gentlemen--pray--that door----
+
+_Foig._ No, no, fait, the captain must lead.
+
+_Aim._ No, doctor, the church is our guide.
+
+_Gib._ Ay, ay, so it is. [_Exeunt_, FOIGARD _foremost_.
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ ARCHER _and_ SCRUB, _singing, and hugging one another_; SCRUB
+_with a Tankard in his Hand_--GIPSEY _listening at a Distance_.
+
+
+Scrub. _Tal, all, dal_----Come, my dear boy, let us have that song
+once more.
+
+_Arch._ No, no, we shall disturb the family----But will you be sure to
+keep the secret?
+
+_Scrub._ Pho! upon my honour, as I'm a gentleman.
+
+_Arch._ 'Tis enough----You must know then, that my master is the Lord
+Viscount Aimwell: he fought a duel t'other day in London, wounded his
+man so dangerously, that he thinks fit to withdraw, till he hears
+whether the gentleman's wounds be mortal or not. He never was in this
+part of England before, so he chose to retire to this place, that's all.
+
+_Gip._ And, that's enough for me. [_Exit._
+
+_Scrub._ And where were you, when your master fought?
+
+_Arch._ We never know of our master's quarrels.
+
+_Scrub._ No! if our masters in the country here receive a challenge, the
+first thing they do, is to tell their wives; the wife tells the
+servants, the servants alarm the tenants, and in half an hour, you shall
+have the whole country up in arms.
+
+_Arch._ To hinder two men from doing what they have no mind for.--But,
+if you should chance to talk now of this business----
+
+_Scrub._ Talk! Ah, sir, had I not learned the knack of holding my
+tongue, I had never lived so long in a great family.
+
+_Arch._ Ay, ay, to be sure, there are secrets in all families.
+
+_Scrub._ Secrets, O lud!----But I'll say no more--Come, sit down, we'll
+make an end of our tankard:--Here----
+
+_Arch._ With all my heart; who knows but you and I may come to be better
+acquainted, eh?----Here's your ladies' health--You have three, I think,
+and to be sure there must be secrets among them?
+
+_Scrub._ Secrets! ah, friend, friend! I wish I had a friend.
+
+_Arch._ Am not I your friend? Come, you and I will be sworn brothers.
+
+_Scrub._ Shall we?
+
+_Arch._ From this minute--Give me a kiss----and now, brother Scrub----
+
+_Scrub._ And now, brother Martin, I will tell you a secret, that will
+make your hair stand on end.--You must know, that I am consumedly in
+love.
+
+_Arch._ That's a terrible secret, that's the truth on't.
+
+_Scrub._ That jade, Gipsey, that was with us just now in the cellar, is
+the arrantest whore that ever wore a petticoat, and I'm dying for love
+of her.
+
+_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha!--are you in love with her person or her virtue,
+brother Scrub?
+
+_Scrub._ I should like virtue best, because it is more durable than
+beauty; for virtue holds good with some women long and many a day after
+they have lost it.
+
+_Arch._ In the country, I grant ye, where no woman's virtue is lost,
+till a bastard be found.
+
+_Scrub._ Ay, could I bring her to a bastard, I should have her all to
+myself; but I dare not put it upon that lay, for fear of being sent for
+a soldier.--Pray, brother, how do you gentlemen in London like that same
+pressing act?
+
+_Arch._ Very ill, brother Scrub;----'Tis the worst that ever was made
+for us;--formerly I remembered the good days when we could dun our
+masters for our wages, and if they refused to pay us, we could have a
+warrant to carry them before a justice: but now if we talk of eating,
+they have a warrant for us and carry us before three justices.
+
+_Scrub._ And to be sure we go, if we talk of eating; for the
+justices won't give their own servants a bad example. Now this is my
+misfortune--I dare not speak in the house, while that jade, Gipsey,
+dings about like a fury----once I had the better end of the staff.
+
+_Arch._ And how comes the change now?
+
+_Scrub._ Why, the mother of all this mischief is a priest.
+
+_Arch._ A priest!
+
+_Scrub._ Ay, a damn'd son of a whore of Babylon, that came over hither
+to say grace to the French officers, and eat up our provisions--There's
+not a day goes over his head without a dinner or supper in this house.
+
+_Arch._ How came he so familiar in the family?
+
+_Scrub._ Because he speaks English as if he had lived here all his life,
+and tells lies as if he had been a traveller from his cradle.
+
+_Arch._ And this priest, I'm afraid, has converted the affection of your
+Gipsey.
+
+_Scrub._ Converted! ay, and perverted, my dear friend--for, I'm afraid
+he has made her a whore, and a papist--but this is not all; there's the
+French count and Mrs. Sullen, they're in the confederacy, and for some
+private ends of their own too, to be sure.
+
+_Arch._ A very hopeful family yours, brother Scrub; I suppose the maiden
+lady has her lover too?
+
+_Scrub._ Not that I know--She's the best of them, that's the truth
+on't: but they take care to prevent my curiosity, by giving me so much
+business, that I'm a perfect slave--What d'ye think is my place in this
+family?
+
+_Arch._ Butler, I suppose.
+
+_Scrub._ Ah, lord help you--I'll tell you--Of a Monday I drive the
+coach, of a Tuesday I drive the plough, on Wednesday I follow the
+hounds, a Thursday I dun the tenants, on Friday I go to market, on
+Saturday I draw warrants, and a Sunday I draw beer.
+
+_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha! if variety be a pleasure in life, you have enough
+on't, my dear brother----but what ladies are those?
+
+_Scrub._ Ours, ours; that upon the right hand is Mrs. Sullen, and the
+other Mrs. Dorinda----don't mind them, sit still, man----
+
+     _Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I have heard my brother talk of Lord Aimwell, but they say
+that his brother is the finer gentleman.
+
+_Dor._ That's impossible, sister.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ He's vastly rich, and very close, they say.
+
+_Dor._ No matter for that; if I can creep into his heart, I'll open his
+breast, I warrant him: I have heard say, that people may be guessed at
+by the behaviour of their servants; I could wish we might talk to that
+fellow.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ So do I; for I think he's a very pretty fellow; come this
+way, I'll throw out a lure for him presently.
+
+     [_They walk towards the opposite Side of the Stage_; MRS.
+     SULLEN _drops her Fan_, ARCHER _runs, takes it up, and gives
+     it to her_.
+
+_Arch._ Corn, wine, and oil, indeed----but, I think the wife has the
+greatest plenty of flesh and blood; she should be my choice--Ay, ay, say
+you so--madam--your ladyship's fan.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ O, sir, I thank you--What a handsome bow the fellow made!
+
+_Dor._ Bow! why I have known several footmen come down from London, set
+up here for dancing masters, and carry off the best fortunes in the
+country.
+
+_Arch._ [_Aside._] That project, for aught I know, had been better than
+ours----Brother Scrub, why don't you introduce me?
+
+_Scrub._ Ladies, this is the strange gentleman's servant, that you saw
+at church to-day: I understood he came from London, and so I invited him
+to the cellar, that he might show me the newest flourish in whetting my
+knives.
+
+_Dor._ And I hope you have made much of him.
+
+_Arch._ Oh, yes, madam, but the strength of your ladyship's liquor is a
+little too potent for the constitution of your humble servant.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What, then you don't usually drink ale?
+
+_Arch._ No, madam, my constant drink is tea, or a little wine and water;
+'tis prescribed me by the physician, for a remedy against the spleen--
+
+_Scrub._ O la! O la!--A footman have the spleen!
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I thought that distemper had been only proper to people of
+quality.
+
+_Arch._ Madam, like all other fashions, it wears out, and so descends to
+their servants; though in a great many of us, I believe it proceeds from
+some melancholy particles in the blood, occasioned by the stagnation of
+wages.
+
+_Dor._ How affectedly the fellow talks----How long, pray, have you
+served your present master?
+
+_Arch._ Not long; my life has been mostly spent in the service of the
+ladies.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ And pray, which service do you like best?
+
+_Arch._ Madam, the ladies pay best; the honour of serving them is
+sufficient wages; there is a charm in their looks, that delivers
+a pleasure with their commands, and gives our duty the wings of
+inclination.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ That flight was above the pitch of a livery; and, sir, would
+not you be satisfied to serve a lady again?
+
+_Arch._ As groom of the chambers, madam, but not as a footman.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I suppose you served as footman before?
+
+_Arch._ For that reason I would not serve in that post again; for my
+memory is too weak for the load of messages that the ladies lay upon
+their servants in London: my Lady Howd'ye, the last mistress I served,
+called me up one morning, and told me, Martin, go to my Lady Allnight,
+with my humble service; tell her, I was to wait on her ladyship
+yesterday, and left word with Mrs. Rebecca, that the preliminaries of
+the affair she knows of, are stopped till we know the concurrence of the
+person that I know of; for which there are circumstances wanting which
+we shall accommodate at the old place; but that in the mean time there
+is a person about her ladyship, that, from several hints and surmises,
+was accessary at a certain time to the disappointments that naturally
+attend things, that to her knowledge are of more importance----
+
+ _Mrs. Sul._ }
+                Ha! ha! where are you going, sir?
+ _Dor._      }
+
+_Arch._ Why, I han't half done----The whole howd'ye was about half an
+hour long; so I happened to misplace two syllables, and, was turned off,
+and rendered incapable----
+
+_Dor._ The pleasantest fellow, sister, I ever saw.--But, friend, if your
+master be married,----I presume you still serve a lady.
+
+_Arch._ No, madam, I take care never to come into a married family; the
+commands of the master and mistress are always so contrary, that 'tis
+impossible to please both.
+
+_Dor._ There's a main point gained----My lord is not married, I find.
+[_Aside._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ But I wonder, friend, that in so many good services, you had
+not a better provision made for you.
+
+_Arch._ I don't know how, madam----I am very well as I am----
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Something for a pair of gloves. [_Offering him Money._
+
+_Arch._ I humbly beg leave to be excused; my master, madam, pays me, nor
+dare I take money from any other hand, without injuring his honour, and
+disobeying his commands.
+
+_Scrub._ Brother Martin, brother Martin.
+
+_Arch._ What do you say, brother Scrub?
+
+_Scrub._ Take the money, and give it to me. [_Exeunt_ ARCHER _and_ SCRUB.
+
+_Dor._ This is surprising: did you ever see so pretty a well-bred
+fellow?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The devil take him, for wearing that livery.
+
+_Dor._ I fancy, sister, he may be some gentleman, a friend of my lord's,
+that his lordship has pitched upon for his courage, fidelity, and
+discretion, to bear him company in this dress, and who, ten to one, was
+his second.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ It is so, it must be so, and it shall be so--for I like him.
+
+_Dor._ What! better than the count?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The count happened to be the most agreeable man upon the
+place; and so I chose him to serve me in my design upon my husband----But
+I should like this fellow better in a design upon myself.
+
+_Dor._ But now, sister, for an interview with this lord and this
+gentleman; how shall we bring that about?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Patience! you country ladies give no quarter.--Lookye,
+Dorinda, if my Lord Aimwell loves you or deserves you, he'll find a way
+to see you, and there we must leave it----My business comes now upon the
+tapis,----Have you prepared your brother?
+
+_Dor._ Yes, yes.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ And how did he relish it?
+
+_Dor._ He said little, mumbled something to himself, and promised to be
+guided by me: but here he comes.--
+
+     _Enter_ SULLEN.
+
+_Sul._ What singing was that I heard just now?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The singing in your head, my dear, you complained of it all
+day.
+
+_Sul._ You're impertinent.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I was ever so, since I became one flesh with you.
+
+_Sul._ One flesh! rather two carcases joined unnaturally together.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Or rather a living soul coupled to a dead body.
+
+_Dor._ So, this is fine encouragement for me!
+
+_Sul._ Yes, my wife shows you what you must do!
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ And my husband shows you what you must suffer.
+
+_Sul._ 'Sdeath, why can't you be silent?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ 'Sdeath, why can't you talk?
+
+_Sul._ Do you talk to any purpose?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Do you think to any purpose?
+
+_Sul._ Sister, harkye--[_Whispers._] I shan't be home till it be late.
+[_Exit._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What did he whisper to ye?
+
+_Dor._ That he would go round the back way, come into the closet, and
+listen, as I directed him.--But let me beg once more, dear sister, to
+drop this project; for, as I told you before, instead of awaking him to
+kindness, you may provoke him to rage; and then who knows how far his
+brutality may carry him?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I'm provided to receive him, I warrant you; away! [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FOURTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY BOUNTIFUL _and_ MRS. SULLEN, DORINDA _meeting them_.
+
+
+_Dor._ News, dear sister, news, news!
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER, _running_.
+
+_Arch._ Where, where is my Lady Bountiful?----Pray which is the old lady
+of you three?
+
+_Lady B._ I am.
+
+_Arch._ O madam, the fame of your ladyship's charity, goodness,
+benevolence, skill, and ability, have drawn me hither, to implore your
+ladyship's help in behalf of my unfortunate master, who is at this
+moment breathing his last.
+
+_Lady B._ Your master! where is he?
+
+_Arch._ At your gate, madam: drawn by the appearance of your handsome
+house, to view it nearer, and walking up the avenue, within five paces
+of the courtyard, he was taken ill of a sudden, with a sort of I know
+not what: but down he fell, and there he lies.
+
+_Lady B._ Here, Scrub, Gipsey.
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB _and_ GIPSEY.
+
+All run, get my easy-chair down stairs, put the gentleman in it, and
+bring him in quickly, quickly.
+
+_Arch._ Heaven will reward your ladyship for this charitable act.
+
+_Lady B._ Is your master used to these fits?
+
+_Arch._ O yes, madam, frequently--I have known him have five or six of a
+night.
+
+_Lady B._ What's his name?
+
+_Arch._ Lord, madam, he's dying; a minute's care or neglect may save or
+destroy his life.
+
+_Lady B._ Ah, poor gentleman! come, friend, show me the way; I'll see
+him brought in myself. [_Exit with_ ARCHER.
+
+_Dor._ Oh, sister, my heart flutters about strangely; I can hardly
+forbear running to his assistance.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ And I'll lay my life he deserves your assistance more than
+he wants it: did not I tell you that my lord would find a way to come
+at you? Love's his distemper, and you must be the physician; put on
+all your charms, summon all your fire into your eyes, plant the whole
+artillery of your looks against his breast, and down with him.
+
+_Dor._ O, sister, I'm but a young gunner, I shall be afraid to shoot,
+for fear the piece should recoil, and hurt myself.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Never fear, you shall see me shoot before you, if you will.
+
+_Dor._ No, no, dear sister, you have missed your mark so unfortunately,
+that I shan't care for being instructed by you.
+
+     _Enter_ AIMWELL, _in a Chair, carried by_ ARCHER _and_
+     SCRUB; LADY BOUNTIFUL, GIPSEY. AIMWELL _counterfeiting a
+     Swoon_.
+
+_Lady B._ Here, here, let's see--the hartshorn drops--Gipsey, a glass
+of fair water, his fit's very strong.--Bless me, how his hands are
+clenched!
+
+_Arch._ For shame, ladies, what d'ye do? why don't you help us?--Pray,
+madam, [_To_ DORINDA.] take his hand, and open it, if you can, whilst I
+hold his head. [DORINDA _takes his Hand_.
+
+_Dor._ Poor gentleman--Oh--he has got my hand within his, and squeezes
+it unmercifully----
+
+_Lady B._ 'Tis the violence of his convulsion, child.
+
+_Arch._ Oh, madam, he's perfectly possessed in these cases--he'll bite
+you, if you don't have a care.
+
+_Dor._ Oh, my hand, my hand!
+
+_Lady B._ What's the matter with the foolish girl? I have got this hand
+open you see with a great deal of ease.
+
+_Arch._ Ay, but, madam, your daughter's hand is somewhat warmer than
+your ladyship's, and the heat of it draws the force of the spirits that
+way.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I find, friend, you are very learned in these sort of fits.
+
+_Arch._ 'Tis no wonder, madam, for I'm often troubled with them myself;
+I find myself extremely ill at this minute. [_Looking hard at_ MRS.
+SULLEN.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ [_Aside._] I fancy I could find a way to cure you.
+
+_Lady B._ His fit holds him very long.
+
+_Arch._ Longer than usual, madam.----
+
+_Lady B._ Where did his illness take him first, pray!
+
+_Arch._ To-day, at church, madam.
+
+_Lady B._ In what manner was he taken?
+
+_Arch._ Very strangely, my lady. He was of a sudden touched with
+something in his eyes, which at the first he only felt, but could not
+tell whether 'twas pain or pleasure.
+
+_Lady B._ Wind, nothing but wind.----Your master should never go without
+a bottle to smell to----Oh!----he recovers----the lavender water----some
+feathers to burn under his nose--Hungary water to rub his temples----Oh,
+he comes to himself. Hem a little, sir, hem----Gipsey, bring the cordial
+water. [AIMWELL _seems to awake in amaze_.
+
+_Dor._ How do you, sir?
+
+_Aim._ Where am I? [_Rising._
+
+  Sure I have passed the gulf of silent death,
+  And now am landed on the Elysian shore.
+  Behold the goddess of those happy plains,
+  Fair Proserpine--let me adore thy bright divinity.
+
+     [_Kneels to_ DORINDA, _and kisses her Hand_.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ So, so, so; I knew where the fit would end.
+
+  _Aim._ Eurydice, perhaps----
+  How could thy Orpheus keep his word,
+  And not look back upon thee;
+  No treasure but thyself could sure have brib'd him
+  To look one minute off thee.
+
+_Lady B._ Delirious, poor gentleman.
+
+_Arch._ Very delirious, madam, very delirious.
+
+_Aim._ Martin's voice, I think.
+
+_Arch._ Yes, my lord--How does your lordship?
+
+_Lady B._ Lord! did you mind that, girls?
+
+_Aim._ Where am I?
+
+_Arch._ In very good hands, sir--You were taken just now with one of
+your old fits, under the trees, just by this good lady's house; her
+ladyship had you taken in, and has miraculously brought you to yourself,
+as you see----
+
+_Aim._ I am so confounded with shame, madam, that I can now only beg
+pardon----And refer my acknowledgments for your ladyship's care till an
+opportunity offers of making some amends--I dare be no longer
+troublesome--Martin, give two guineas to the servants. [_Going._
+
+_Dor._ Sir, you may catch cold by going so soon into the air; you don't
+look, sir, as if you were perfectly recovered.
+
+     [ARCHER _talks to_ LADY BOUNTIFUL _in dumb Show_.
+
+_Aim._ That I shall never be, madam: my present illness is so rooted,
+that I must expect to carry it to my grave.
+
+_Lady B._ Come, sir, your servant has been telling me that you are apt
+to relapse, if you go into the air--Your good manners shan't get the
+better of ours--You shall sit down again, sir:--Come, sir, we don't mind
+ceremonies in the country--Here, Gipsey, bring the cordial water.--Here,
+sir, my service t'ye----You shall taste my water; 'tis a cordial, I can
+assure you, and of my own making.
+
+_Scrub._ Yes, my lady makes very good water.
+
+_Lady B._ Drink it off, sir: [AIMWELL _drinks_.] And how d'ye find
+yourself now, sir?
+
+_Aim._ Somewhat better----though very faint still.
+
+_Lady B._ Ay, ay, people are always faint after these fits. Come,
+girls, you shall show the gentleman the house; 'tis but an old family
+building, sir; but you had better walk about, and cool by degrees,
+than venture immediately into the air----You'll find some tolerable
+pictures--Dorinda, show the gentleman the way. I must go to the poor
+woman below. [_Exit._
+
+_Dor._ This way, sir.
+
+_Aim._ Ladies, shall I beg leave for my servant to wait on you, for he
+understands pictures very well.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Sir, we understand originals, as well as he does pictures,
+so he may come along.
+
+    [_Exeunt_ DORINDA _and_ AIMWELL, MRS. SULLEN _and_
+    ARCHER--SCRUB _sits down_.
+
+     _Enter_ FOIGARD.
+
+_Foig._ 'Save you, master Scrub.
+
+_Scrub._ Sir, I won't be saved your way----I hate a priest, I abhor the
+French, and I defy the devil--Sir, I'm a bold Briton, and will spill the
+last drop of my blood to keep out popery and slavery.
+
+_Foig._ Master Scrub, you would put me down in politics, and so I would
+be speaking with Mrs. Gipsey.
+
+_Scrub._ Good Mr. Priest, you can't speak with her; she's sick, sir;
+she's gone abroad, sir; she's--dead two months ago, sir.
+
+     _Enter_ GIPSEY.
+
+_Gip._ How now, impudence! How dare you talk so saucily to the doctor?
+Pray, sir, don't take it ill; for the common people of England are not
+so civil to strangers, as----
+
+_Scrub._ You lie, you lie:--'tis the common people, such as you are,
+that are civilest to strangers.
+
+_Gip._ Sirrah, I have a good mind to--Get you out, I say!
+
+_Scrub._ I won't!
+
+_Gip._ You won't, sauce-box!--Pray, doctor, what is the captain's name
+that came to your inn last night?
+
+_Scrub._ The captain! ah, the devil, there she hampers me again;--the
+captain has me on one side, and the priest on t'other:--So between the
+gown and the sword, I have a fine time on't.
+
+_Gip._ What, sirrah, won't you march?
+
+_Scrub._ No, my dear, I won't march--but I'll walk:--And I'll make bold
+to listen a little too. [_Goes behind the Side Scene, and listens._
+
+_Gip._ Indeed, doctor, the count has been barbarously treated, that's
+the truth on't.
+
+_Foig._ Ah, Mrs. Gipsey, upon my shoul, now, gra, his complainings would
+mollify the marrow in your bones, and move the bowels of your
+commiseration; he veeps, and he dances, and he fistles, and he swears,
+and he laughs, and he stamps, and he sings: in conclusion, joy, he's
+afflicted, _a la Francois_, and a stranger, would not know whider to cry
+or to laugh with him.
+
+_Gip._ What would you have me do, doctor?
+
+_Foig._ Nothing, joy, but only hide the count in Mrs. Sullen's closet,
+when it is dark.
+
+_Gip._ Nothing! Is that nothing? it would be both a sin and a shame,
+doctor.
+
+_Foig._ Here is twenty Louis d'ors, joy, for your shame; and I will give
+you an absolution for the shin.
+
+_Gip._ But won't that money look like a bribe?
+
+_Foig._ Dat is according as you shall take it--If you receive the
+money before hand, 'twill be _logice_, a bribe; but if you stay till
+afterwards, 'twill be only a gratification.
+
+_Gip._ Well, doctor, I'll take it _logice_----But what must I do with my
+conscience, sir?
+
+_Foig._ Leave dat wid me, joy; I am your priest, gra; and your conscience
+is under my hands.
+
+_Gip._ But should I put the count into the closet--
+
+_Foig._ Vell, is dere any shin for a man's being in a closhet? one may
+go to prayers in a closhet.
+
+_Gip._ But if the lady should come into her chamber and go to bed?
+
+_Foig._ Vel, and is dere any shin in going to bed, joy?
+
+_Gip._ Ah, but if the parties should meet, doctor?
+
+_Foig._ Vel den----the parties must be responsible.--Do you begone after
+putting the count in the closhet; and leave the shins wid themselves--I
+will come with the count to instruct you in your chamber.
+
+_Gip._ Well, doctor, your religion is so pure, that I'm resolved to die
+a martyr to't----Here's the key of the garden door; come in the back
+way, when 'tis late--I'll be ready to receive you; but don't so much as
+whisper, only take hold of my hand; I'll lead you, and do you lead the
+count, and follow me. [_Exeunt._
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB.
+
+_Scrub._ What witchcraft now have these two imps of the devil been
+a-hatching here?--There's twenty Louis d'ors! I heard that, and saw the
+purse: but I must give room to my betters. [_Exit._
+
+     _Enter_ AIMWELL, _leading_ DORINDA, _and making love in dumb
+     Show_; MRS. SULLEN, _and_ ARCHER.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, [_To_ ARCHER.] how d'ye like that piece?
+
+_Arch._ O, 'tis Leda--You find, madam, how Jupiter came disguised to
+make love--
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, what head is that in the corner, there?
+
+_Arch._ O, madam, 'tis poor Ovid in his exile.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What was he banished for?
+
+_Arch._ His ambitious love, madam. [_Bowing._] His misfortune touches
+me.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Was he successful in his amours?
+
+_Arch._ There he has left us in the dark--He was too much a gentleman to
+tell.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ If he were secret, I pity him.
+
+_Arch._ And if he were successful I envy him.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ How d'ye like that Venus over the chimney?
+
+_Arch._ Venus! I protest, madam, I took it for your picture: but now I
+look again, 'tis not handsome enough.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Oh, what a charm is flattery! if you would see my picture,
+there it is, over that cabinet--How d'ye like it?
+
+_Arch._ I must admire any thing, madam, that has the least resemblance
+of you----But methinks, madam,--[_He looks at the Picture and_ MRS.
+SULLEN _Three or Four Times, by Turns_.] Pray, madam, who drew it?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ A famous hand, sir. [_Exeunt_ AIMWELL _and_ DORINDA.
+
+_Arch._ A famous hand, madam! Your eyes, indeed, are featured there; but
+where's the sparkling moisture, shining fluid, in which they swim? The
+picture, indeed, has your dimples, but where's the swarm of killing
+Cupids, that should ambush there? The lips too are figured out; but
+where's the carnation dew, the pouting ripeness that tempts the taste in
+the original?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Had it been my lot to have matched with such a man! [_Aside._
+
+_Arch._ Your breasts too; presumptuous man! what! paint heaven! Apropos,
+madam, in the very next picture is Salmoneus, that was struck dead with
+lightning, for offering to imitate Jove's thunder; I hope you served the
+painter so, madam.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Had my eyes the power of thunder, they should employ their
+lightning better.
+
+_Arch._ There's the finest bed in that room, madam; I suppose 'tis your
+ladyship's bedchamber?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ And what then, sir?
+
+_Arch._ I think the quilt is the richest that ever I saw----I can't at
+this distance, madam, distinguish the figures of the embroidery: will
+you give me leave, madam?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The devil take his impudence--Sure, if I gave him an
+opportunity, he durst not offer it--I have a great mind to try.--[_Going.
+--Returns._] 'Sdeath, what am I doing?--And alone too;----Sister, sister!
+[_Exit._
+
+_Arch._ I'll follow her close----
+ For where a Frenchman durst attempt to storm,
+ A Briton, sure may well the work perform. [_Going._
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB.
+
+_Scrub._ Martin, brother Martin!
+
+_Arch._ O brother Scrub, I beg your pardon, I was not a-going: here's a
+guinea my master ordered you.
+
+_Scrub._ A guinea! hi, hi, hi, a guinea! eh----by this light it is a
+guinea; but I suppose you expect one and twenty shillings in change.
+
+_Arch._ Not at all; I have another for Gipsey.
+
+_Scrub._ A guinea for her! Fire and faggot for the witch.----Sir, give
+me that guinea, and I'll discover a plot.
+
+_Arch._ A plot?
+
+_Scrub._ Ay, sir, a plot, a horrid plot--First, it must be a plot,
+because there's a woman in't: secondly, it must be a plot, because
+there's a priest in't: thirdly, it must be a plot, because there's
+French gold in't: and fourthly, it must be a plot, because I don't know
+what to make on't.
+
+_Arch._ Nor any body else, I'm afraid, brother Scrub.
+
+_Scrub._ Truly I'm afraid so too; for where there's a priest and a
+woman, there's always a mystery and a riddle--This, I know, that here
+has been the doctor with a temptation in one hand, and an absolution in
+the other, and Gipsey has sold herself to the devil; I saw the price
+paid down, my eyes shall take their oath on't.
+
+_Arch._ And is all this bustle about Gipsey?
+
+_Scrub._ That's not all; I could hear but a word here and there; but I
+remember they mentioned a count, a closet, a back door, and a key.
+
+_Arch._ The count! did you hear nothing of Mrs. Sullen?
+
+_Scrub._ I did hear some word that sounded that way: but whether it was
+Sullen or Dorinda I could not distinguish.
+
+_Arch._ You have told this matter to nobody, brother?
+
+_Scrub._ Told! no, sir, I thank you for that; I'm resolved never to
+speak one word, _pro_ nor _con_, till we have a peace.
+
+_Arch._ You are i'the right, brother Scrub; here's a treaty a-foot
+between the count and the lady.--The priest and the chambermaid are
+plenipotentiaries----It shall go hard, but I'll find a way to be
+included in the treaty. Where's the doctor now?
+
+_Scrub._ He and Gipsey are this moment devouring my lady's marmalade in
+the closet.
+
+_Aim._ [_From without._] Martin, Martin!
+
+_Arch._ I come, sir, I come.
+
+_Scrub._ But you forget the other guinea, brother Martin.
+
+_Arch._ Here, I give it with all my heart. [_Exit_ ARCHER.
+
+_Scrub._ And I take it with all my soul. I'cod, I'll spoil your
+plotting, Mrs. Gipsey; and if you should set the captain upon me, these
+two guineas will buy me off. [_Exit_ SCRUB.
+
+     _Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA, _meeting_.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Well, sister.
+
+_Dor._ And well, sister.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What's become of my lord?
+
+_Dor._ What's become of his servant?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Servant! he's a prettier fellow and a finer gentleman by
+fifty degrees than his master.
+
+_Dor._ O' my conscience, I fancy you could beg that fellow at the
+gallows' foot.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ O' my conscience, I could, provided I could put a friend of
+yours in his room.
+
+_Dor._ You desired me, sister, to leave you, when you transgressed the
+bounds of honour.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Thou dear censorious country girl--What dost mean? You can't
+think of the man without the bedfellow, I find.
+
+_Dor._ I don't find any thing unnatural in that thought.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ How a little love and conversation improve a woman! Why,
+child, you begin to live--you never spoke before.
+
+_Dor._ Because I was never spoke to before: my lord has told me, that I
+have more wit and beauty than any of my sex; and truly I begin to think
+the man is sincere.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ You are in the right, Dorinda; pride is the life of a woman,
+and flattery is our daily bread--But I'll lay you a guinea that I had
+finer things said to me than you had.
+
+_Dor._ Done----What did your fellow say to ye?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ My fellow took the picture of Venus for mine.
+
+_Dor._ But my lover took me for Venus herself.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Common cant! had my spark called me a Venus directly, I
+should have believed him a footman in good earnest.
+
+_Dor._ But my lover was upon his knees to me.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ And mine was upon his tiptoes to me.
+
+_Dor._ Mine vowed to die for me.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Mine swore to die with me.
+
+_Dor._ Mine kissed my hand ten thousand times.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Mine has all that pleasure to come.
+
+_Dor._ Mine spoke the softest moving things.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Ay, ay, mine had his moving things too.
+
+_Dor._ Mine offered marriage.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ O lard! d'ye call that a moving thing?
+
+_Dor._ The sharpest arrow in his quiver, my dear sister; Why, my twenty
+thousand pounds may lie brooding here this seven years, and hatch
+nothing at last but some illnatured clown, like yours;--Whereas, if I
+marry my Lord Aimwell, there will be title, place, and precedence, the
+park, the play, and the drawing-room, splendour, equipage, noise, and
+flambeaux--Hey, my Lady Aimwell's servants there--lights, lights to the
+stairs--My Lady Aimwell's coach, put forward--stand by; make room for
+her ladyship----Are not these things moving? What! melancholy of a
+sudden?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Happy, happy sister! your angel has been watchful for your
+happiness, whilst mine has slept, regardless of his charge----Long
+smiling years of circling joys for you, but not one hour for me! [_Weeps._
+
+_Dor._ Come, my dear, we'll talk of something else.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ O, Dorinda, I own myself a woman, full of my sex, a gentle,
+generous soul--easy and yielding to soft desires; a spacious heart,
+where love and all his train might lodge; and must the fair apartment
+of my breast be made a stable for a brute to lie in?
+
+_Dor._ Meaning your husband, I suppose.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Husband!--Even husband is too soft a name for him.--But,
+come, I expect my brother here to-night or to-morrow; he was abroad when
+my father married me: perhaps he'll find a way to make me easy.
+
+_Dor._ Will you promise not to make yourself uneasy in the mean time
+with my lord's friend?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ You mistake me, sister--It happens with us as among the men,
+the greatest talkers are the greatest cowards; and there's a reason for
+it; those spirits evaporate in prattle, which might do more mischief
+if they took another course----Though, to confess the truth, I do love
+that fellow;--and if I met him dressed as he should be,----Lookye,
+sister, I have no supernatural gifts;----I can't swear I could resist
+the temptation----though I can safely promise to avoid it; and that's as
+much as the best of us can do. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_The Inn._
+
+_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ ARCHER _laughing_.
+
+
+_Arch._ And the awkward kindness of the good motherly old gentlewoman----
+
+_Aim._ And the coming easiness of the young one--'Sdeath, 'tis pity to
+deceive her.
+
+_Arch._ Nay, if you adhere to those principles, stop where you are.
+
+_Aim._ I can't stop; for I love her to distraction.
+
+_Arch._ 'Sdeath, if you love her a hair's breadth beyond discretion, you
+must go no farther.
+
+_Aim._ Well, well, any thing to deliver us from sauntering away our idle
+evenings at White's, Tom's, or Will's--But now----
+
+_Arch._ Ay, now is the time to prevent all this--Strike while the iron
+is hot--The priest is the luckiest part of our adventure; he shall marry
+you, and pimp for me. But here comes the doctor; I shall be ready.
+[_Exit._
+
+     _Enter_ FOIGARD.
+
+_Foig._ Shave you, noble friend.
+
+_Aim._ O sir, your servant; Pray, doctor, may I crave your name?
+
+_Foig._ Fat naam is upon me? My naam is Foigard, joy.
+
+_Aim._ Foigard! a very good name for a clergyman; Pray, Doctor Foigard,
+were you ever in Ireland?
+
+_Foig._ Ireland! No, joy:--Fat sort of plaace is dat shame Ireland? Dey
+say de people are catched dere when dey are young.
+
+_Aim._ And some of them here, when they are old;--as for example--[_Takes_
+FOIGARD _by the Shoulder_.] Sir, I arrest you as a traitor against the
+government; you are a subject of England, and this morning showed me a
+commission, by which you served as chaplain in the French army: This is
+death by our law, and your reverence must hang for't.
+
+_Foig._ Upon my shoul, noble friend, dis is strange news you tell me,
+Fader Foigard a subject of England--de son of a Burgomaster of Brussels
+a subject of England, Ubooboo--
+
+_Aim._ The son of a bog trotter in Ireland: sir, your tongue will
+condemn you before any bench in the kingdom.
+
+_Foig._ And is my tongue all your evidensh, joy?
+
+_Aim._ That's enough.
+
+_Foig._ No, no, joy, for I will never spaake de English no more.
+
+_Aim._ Sir, I have other evidence.--Here, Martin, you know this fellow.
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER.
+
+_Aim._ [_In a Brogue._] Shave you, my dear cussen, how does your health?
+
+_Foig._ Ah! upon my shoul dere is my countryman and his brogue will hang
+mine. [_Aside._] _Mynhere, ick wet neat wat hey zacht, ick univirston
+ewe, neat, sacrament._
+
+_Aim._ Altering your language won't do, sir, this fellow knows your
+person, and will swear to your face.
+
+_Foig._ Faash! fey, is dere brogue upon my faash too?
+
+_Arch._ Upon my shalvation dere ish, joy,----But, Cussen Mackshane, vill
+you not put a remembrance upon me?
+
+_Foig._ Mackshane! by St. Patrick, dat is my naam shure enough. [_Aside._
+
+_Aim._ I fancy, Archer, you have it.
+
+_Foig._ The devil hang you, joy----By fat acquaintance are you my
+cussen?
+
+_Arch._ O, de devil hang your shelf, joy; you know we were little boys
+togeder upon de school, and your foster moder's son was married upon my
+nurse's chister, joy, and so we are Irish cussens.
+
+_Foig._ De devil taake de relation! Vel, joy, and fat school was it?
+
+_Arch._ I think it vas--aay--'Twas Tipperary.
+
+_Foig._ Now, upon my shoul, joy, it was Kilkenny.
+
+_Aim._ That's enough for us--self confession--Come, sir, we must deliver
+you into the hands of the next magistrate.
+
+_Arch._ He sends you to gaol, you are tried next assizes, and away you
+go swing into purgatory.
+
+_Foig._ And is it sho wid you cussen?
+
+_Arch._ It will be sho wid you, cussen, if you don't immediately confess
+the secret between you and Mrs. Gipsey--Lookye, sir, the gallows or the
+secret, take your choice.
+
+_Foig._ The gallows! upon my shoul I hate that shame gallows, for it
+is a diseash dat is fatal to our family.--Vel den, there is nothing,
+shentlemens, but Mrs. Sullen would spaak wid the count in her chamber
+at midnight, and dere is no harm, joy, for I am to conduct the count to
+the plaash myself.
+
+_Arch._ As I guessed.----Have you communicated the matter to the count?
+
+_Foig._ I have not sheen him since.
+
+_Arch._ Right again; why then, doctor;--you shall conduct me to the lady
+instead of the count.
+
+_Foig._ Fat, my cussen to the lady! upon my shoul, gra, dat's too much
+upon the brogue.
+
+_Arch._ Come, come, doctor, consider we have got a rope about your neck,
+and if you offer to squeak, we'll stop your windpipe, most certainly; we
+shall have another job for you in a day or two, I hope.
+
+_Aim._ Here's company coming this way; let's into my chamber, and there
+concert our affairs further.
+
+_Arch._ Come, my dear cussen, come along.
+
+_Foig._ Arra, the devil taake our relashion. [_Exeunt._
+
+     _Enter_ BONIFACE, HOUNSLOW, _and_ BAGSHOT, _at one Door_,
+     GIBBET _at the opposite_.
+
+_Gib._ Well, gentlemen, 'tis a fine night for our enterprize.
+
+_Houns._ Dark as hell.
+
+_Bag._ And blows like the devil: our landlord here has shown us the
+window where we must break in, and tells us the plate stands in the
+wainscot cupboard in the parlour.
+
+_Bon._ Ay, ay, Mr. Bagshot, as the saying is, knives and forks, cups and
+cans, tumblers and tankards.--There's one tankard, as the saying is,
+that's near upon as big as me: it was a present to the 'squire from his
+godmother, and smells of nutmeg and toast, like an East India ship.
+
+_Houns._ Then you say we must divide at the stair-head.
+
+_Bon._ Yes, Mr. Hounslow, as the saying is----at one end of the gallery
+lies my Lady Bountiful and her daughter, and at the other, Mrs.
+Sullen--as for the 'squire.----
+
+_Gib._ He's safe enough; I have fairly entered him, and he's more than
+half seas over already--But such a parcel of scoundrels are got about
+him there, that, egad, I was ashamed to be seen in their company.
+
+_Bon._ 'Tis now twelve, as the saying is--gentlemen, you must set out at
+one.
+
+_Gib._ Hounslow, do you and Bagshot see our arms fixed, and I'll come to
+you presently.
+
+_Houns. and Bag._ We will. [_Exeunt_ HOUNSLOW _and_ BAGSHOT.
+
+_Gib._ Well, my dear Bonny, you assure me that Scrub is a coward.
+
+_Bon._ A chicken, as the saying is--you'll have no creature to deal with
+but the ladies.
+
+_Gib._ And I can assure you, friend, there's a great deal of address
+and good manners in robbing a lady: I am the most a gentleman that way
+that ever travelled the road.--But, my dear Bonny, this prize will be a
+galleon, a Vigo business----I warrant you, we shall bring off three or
+four thousand pounds.
+
+_Bon._ In plate, jewels, and money, as the saying is, you may.
+
+_Gib._ Why, then, Tyburn, I defy thee: I'll get up to town, sell off my
+horse and arms, buy myself some pretty employment in the law, and be as
+snug and as honest as e'er a long gown of them all.
+
+_Bon._ And what think you, then, of my daughter Cherry for a wife?
+
+_Gib._ Lookye, my dear Bonny, _Cherry is the goddess I adore_, as the
+song goes; but it is a maxim, that man and wife should never have it in
+their power to hang one another; for, if they should, the Lord have
+mercy upon them both. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIFTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_The Inn._
+
+_Knocking without._
+
+_Enter_ BONIFACE.
+
+
+_Bon._ Coming, coming--a coach and six foaming horses at this time
+o'night! some great man, as the saying is, for he scorns to travel with
+other people.
+
+     _Enter_ SIR CHARLES FREEMAN.
+
+_Sir C._ What, fellow! a public house, and abed when other people sleep?
+
+_Bon._ Sir, I an't abed, as the saying is.
+
+_Sir C._ I see that, as the saying is! Is Mr. Sullen's family abed,
+think ye?
+
+_Bon._ All but the 'squire himself, sir, as the saying is; he's in the
+house.
+
+_Sir C._ What company has he?
+
+_Bon._ Why, sir, there's the constable, Mr. Gage, the exciseman, the
+hunch-backed barber, and two or three other gentlemen.
+
+_Sir C._ I find my sister's letters gave me the true picture of her
+spouse.
+
+     _Enter_ SULLEN, _drunk_.
+
+_Bon._ Sir, here's the 'squire.
+
+_Sul._ The puppies left me asleep----sir.
+
+_Sir C._ Well, sir.
+
+_Sul._ Sir, I am an unfortunate man--I have three thousand pounds a
+year, and I can't get a man to drink a cup of ale with me.
+
+_Sir C._ That's very hard.
+
+_Sul._ Ay, sir,--and unless you have pity upon me, and smoke one pipe
+with me, I must e'en go home to my wife, and I had rather go to the
+devil by half.
+
+_Sir C._ But I presume, sir, you won't see your wife to-night, she'll be
+gone to bed----you don't use to lie with your wife in that pickle.
+
+_Sul._ What! not lie with my wife! Why, sir, do you take me for an
+atheist, or a rake?
+
+_Sir C._ If you hate her, sir, I think you had better lie from her.
+
+_Sul._ I think so too, friend----but I am a justice of peace, and must
+do nothing against the law.
+
+_Sir C._ Law! as I take it, Mr. Justice, nobody observes law for law's
+sake, only for the good of those for whom it was made.
+
+_Sul._ But if the law orders me to send you to gaol, you must lie there,
+my friend.
+
+_Sir C._ Not unless I commit a crime to deserve it.
+
+_Sul._ A crime! oons, an't I married?
+
+_Sir C._ Nay, sir, if you call marriage a crime, you must disown it for
+a law.
+
+_Sul._ Eh!--I must be acquainted with you, sir,--but, sir, I should be
+very glad to know the truth of this matter.
+
+_Sir C._ Truth, sir, is a profound sea, and few there be that dare wade
+deep enough to find out the bottom on't. Besides, sir, I am afraid the
+line of your understanding mayn't be long enough.
+
+_Sul._ Lookye, sir, I have nothing to say to your sea of truth; but if a
+good parcel of land can entitle a man to a little truth, I have as much
+as any he in the county.
+
+_Bon._ I never heard your worship, as the saying is, talk so much
+before.
+
+_Sul._ Because I never met with a man that I liked before.
+
+_Bon._ Pray, sir, as the saying is, let me ask you one question: are not
+man and wife one flesh?
+
+_Sir C._ You and your wife, Mr. Guts, may be one flesh, because you are
+nothing else----but rational creatures have minds that must be united.
+
+_Sul._ Minds!
+
+_Sir C._ Ay, minds, sir; don't you think that the mind takes place of
+the body?
+
+_Sul._ In some people.
+
+_Sir C._ Then the interest of the master must be consulted before that
+of his servant.
+
+_Sul._ Sir, you shall dine with me to-morrow----Oons, I always thought
+that we were naturally one.
+
+_Sir C._ Sir, I know that my two hands are naturally one, because they
+love one another, kiss one another, help one another in all the actions
+of life; but I could not say so much if they were always at cuffs.
+
+_Sul._ Then 'tis plain that we are two.
+
+_Sir C._ Why don't you part with her, sir?
+
+_Sul._ Will you take her, sir?
+
+_Sir C._ With all my heart.
+
+_Sul._ You shall have her to-morrow morning, and a venison pasty into
+the bargain.
+
+_Sir C._ You'll let me have her fortune too?
+
+_Sul._ Fortune! why, sir, I have no quarrel to her fortune----I only
+hate the woman, sir, and none but the woman shall go.
+
+_Sir C._ But her fortune, sir----
+
+_Sul._ Can you play at whist, sir?
+
+_Sir C._ No, truly, sir.
+
+_Sul._ Not at all-fours?
+
+_Sir C._ Neither.
+
+_Sul._ Oons! where was this man bred? [_Aside._] Burn me, sir, I can't
+go home; 'tis but two o'clock.
+
+_Sir C._ For half an hour, sir, if you please--but you must consider
+'tis late.
+
+_Sul._ Late! that is the reason I can't go to bed--Come,
+sir----[_Exeunt._
+
+     _Enter_ CHERRY; _she runs across the Stage, and knocks at_
+     AIMWELL'S _Chamber Door_. _Enter_ AIMWELL.
+
+_Aim._ What's the matter? you tremble, child; you are frighted!
+
+_Cher._ No wonder, sir--but, in short, sir, this very minute a gang of
+rogues are gone to rob my Lady Bountiful's house.
+
+_Aim._ How!
+
+_Cher._ I dogged them to the very door, and left them breaking in.
+
+_Aim._ Have you alarmed any body else with the news?
+
+_Cher._ No, no, sir; I wanted to have discovered the whole plot, and
+twenty other things, to your man, Martin; but I have searched the whole
+house, and can't find him; where is he?
+
+_Aim._ No matter, child; will you guide me immediately to the house?
+
+_Cher._ With all my heart, sir: my Lady Bountiful is my godmother, and I
+love Mrs. Dorinda so well--
+
+_Aim._ Dorinda! the name inspires me! the glory and the danger shall be
+all my own----Come, my life, let me but get my sword. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_A Bedchamber in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_.
+
+MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA _discovered; a Table and Lights_.
+
+
+_Dor._ 'Tis very late, sister; no news of your spouse yet?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ No; I'm condemned to be alone till towards four, and then,
+perhaps, I may be executed with his company.
+
+_Dor._ Well, my dear, I'll leave you to your rest; you'll go directly to
+bed, I suppose.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I don't know what to do; heigho!
+
+_Dor._ That's a desiring sigh, sister.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ This is a languishing hour, sister.
+
+_Dor._ And might prove a critical minute, if the pretty fellow were
+here.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Here? what, in my bedchamber, at two o'clock i'th' morning,
+I undressed, the family asleep, my hated husband abroad, and my lovely
+fellow at my feet!----O, gad, sister!
+
+_Dor._ Thoughts are free, sister, and them I allow you--So, my dear,
+good night. [_Exit._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ A good rest to my dear Dorinda----Thoughts free! are they
+so? why, then, suppose him here, dressed like a youthful, gay, and
+burning bridegroom, [ARCHER _steals out of the Closet_.] with tongue
+enchanting, eyes bewitching, knees imploring [_Turns a little on one
+Side, and sees_ ARCHER _in the Posture she describes_.]--Ah! [_Shrieks,
+and runs to the other Side of the Stage._]. Have my thoughts raised a
+spirit? What are you, sir? a man, or a devil?
+
+_Arch._ A man, a man, madam. [_Rising._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ How shall I be sure of it?
+
+_Arch._ Madam, I'll give you demonstration this minute. [_Takes her
+Hand._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What, sir! do you intend to be rude?
+
+_Arch._ Yes, madam, if you please.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ In the name of wonder, whence came ye?
+
+_Arch._ From the skies, madam--I'm a Jupiter in love, and you shall be
+my Alcmena.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ How came you in?
+
+_Arch._ I flew in at the window, madam; your cousin Cupid lent me his
+wings, and your sister Venus opened the casement.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I'm struck dumb with admiration.
+
+_Arch._ And I with wonder. [_Looks passionately at her._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What will become of me?
+
+_Arch._ How beautiful she looks!----the teeming jolly spring smiles in
+her blooming face, and when she was conceived, her mother smelt to
+roses, looked on lilies----
+
+  Lilies unfold their white, their fragrant charms,
+  When the warm sun thus darts into their arms. [_Runs to her._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Ah! [_Shrieks._
+
+_Arch._ Oons, madam, what do you mean? you'll raise the house.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Sir, I'll wake the dead, before I bear this. What! approach
+me with the freedoms of a keeper! I'm glad on't; your impudence has
+cured me.
+
+_Arch._ If this be impudence, [_Kneels._] I leave to your partial self;
+no panting pilgrim, after a tedious, painful, voyage, e'er bowed before
+his saint with more devotion.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Now, now, I'm ruined if he kneels. [_Aside._] Rise, thou
+prostrate engineer; not all thy undermining skill shall reach my heart.
+Rise, and know that I am a woman, without my sex; I can love to all the
+tenderness of wishes, sighs, and tears--But go no farther--Still, to
+convince you that I'm more than woman, I can speak my frailty, confess
+my weakness even for----But----
+
+_Arch._ For me! [_Going to lay hold on her._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Hold, sir; build not upon that--for my most mortal hatred
+follows, if you disobey what I command you now--leave me this
+minute--If he denies, I'm lost. [_Aside._
+
+_Arch._ Then you'll promise----
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Any thing another time.
+
+_Arch._ When shall I come?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ To-morrow--when you will.
+
+_Arch._ Your lips must seal the promise.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Pshaw!
+
+_Arch._ They must, they must. [_Kisses her._] Raptures and paradise! and
+why not now, my angel? The time, the place, silence, and secrecy, all
+conspire--And the now conscious stars have pre-ordained this moment for
+my happiness. [_Takes her in his Arms._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ You will not, cannot, sure.
+
+_Arch._ If the sun rides fast, and disappoints not mortals of
+to-morrow's dawn, this night shall crown my joys.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ My sex's pride assist me.
+
+_Arch._ My sex's strength help me.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ You shall kill me first.
+
+_Arch._ I'll die with you. [_Carrying her off._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Thieves! thieves! murder!----
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB, _in his Breeches, and one Shoe_.
+
+_Scrub._ Thieves! thieves! murder! popery!
+
+_Arch._ Ha! [_Draws, and offers to stab_ SCRUB.
+
+    [Illustration: BEAUX STRATAGEM
+    SCRUB: O PRAY SIR SPARE ALL I HAVE AND TAKE MY LIFE.
+    ACT V SCENE III]
+
+_Scrub._ [_Kneeling._] O pray, sir, spare all I have, and take my life.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ [_Holding_ ARCHER'S _Hand_.] What does the fellow mean?
+
+_Scrub._ O, madam, down upon your knees, your marrowbones----he's one of
+them.
+
+_Arch._ Of whom?
+
+_Scrub._ One of the rogues----I beg your pardon, one of the honest
+gentlemen, that just now are broke into the house.
+
+_Arch._ How!
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I hope you did not come to rob me?
+
+_Arch._ Indeed I did, madam, but I would have taken nothing but what you
+might very well have spared; but your crying, Thieves, has waked this
+dreaming fool, and so he takes them for granted.
+
+_Scrub._ Granted! 'tis granted, sir; take all we have.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The fellow looks as if he were broke out of Bedlam.
+
+_Scrub._ Oons, madam, they're broke into the house with fire and sword;
+I saw them, heard them, they'll be here this minute.
+
+_Arch._ What! thieves!
+
+_Scrub._ Under favour, sir, I think so.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ What shall we do, sir?
+
+_Arch._ Madam, I wish your ladyship a good night.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Will you leave me?
+
+_Arch._ Leave you! lord, madam, did not you command me to begone just
+now, upon pain of your immortal hatred.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Nay, but pray, sir---- [_Takes hold of him._
+
+_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha! now comes my turn to be ravished--You see now,
+madam, you must use men one way or other; but take this by the way, good
+madam, that none but a fool will give you the benefit of his courage,
+unless you'll take his love along with it--How are they armed, friend?
+
+_Scrub._ With sword and pistol, sir. [_He gets under the Table._
+
+_Arch._ Hush!----I see a dark lanthorn coming through the
+gallery----Madam, be assured I will protect you, or lose my life.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Your life! no, sir, they can rob me of nothing that I value
+half so much; therefore now, sir, let me entreat you to begone.
+
+_Arch._ No, madam, I'll consult my own safety, for the sake of yours;
+I'll work by stratagem: have you courage enough to stand the appearance
+of them?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Yes, yes; since I have escaped your hands, I can face any
+thing.
+
+_Arch._ Come hither, brother Scrub; don't you know me?
+
+_Scrub._ Eh! my dear brother, let me kiss thee! [_Kisses_ ARCHER.
+
+_Arch._ This way----Here---- [ARCHER _and_ SCRUB _hide_.
+
+
+     _Enter_ GIBBET, _with a dark Lanthorn in one Hand, and a
+     Pistol in the other_.
+
+_Gib._ Ay, ay, this is the chamber, and the lady alone.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Who are you, sir? What would you have? D'ye come to rob me?
+
+_Gib._ Rob you! alack a day, madam, I'm only a younger brother, madam;
+and so, madam, if you make a noise, I'll shoot you through the head: but
+don't be afraid, madam. [_Laying his Lanthorn and Pistol upon the
+Table._] These rings, madam; don't be concerned, madam; I have a
+profound respect for you, madam; your keys, madam; don't be frighted,
+madam; I'm the most of a gentleman. [_Searching her Pockets._] This
+necklace, madam; I never was rude to any lady! I have a veneration--for
+this necklace.
+
+     [_Here_ ARCHER, _having come round, and seized the Pistol,
+     takes_ GIBBET _by the Collar, trips up his Heels, and claps
+     the Pistol to his Breast_.
+
+_Arch._ Hold, profane villain, and take the reward of thy sacrilege.
+
+_Gib._ Oh! pray, sir, don't kill me; I an't prepared.
+
+_Arch._ How many is there of them, Scrub?
+
+_Scrub._ Five and forty, sir.
+
+_Arch._ Then I must kill the villain, to have him out of the way.
+
+_Gib._ Hold! hold! sir; we are but three, upon my honour.
+
+_Arch._ Scrub, will you undertake to secure him?
+
+_Scrub._ Not I, sir; kill him, kill him!
+
+_Arch._ Run to Gipsey's chamber; there you'll find the doctor; bring him
+hither presently. [_Exit_ SCRUB, _running_.] Come, rogue, if you have a
+short prayer, say it.
+
+_Gib._ Sir, I have no prayer at all; the government has provided a
+chaplain to say prayers for us on these occasions.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, don't kill him: You fright me as much as him.
+
+_Arch._ The dog shall die, madam, for being the occasion of my
+disappointment.--Sirrah, this moment is your last.
+
+_Gib._ Sir, I'll give you two hundred pounds to spare my life.
+
+_Arch._ Have you no more, rascal?
+
+_Gib._ Yes, sir, I can command four hundred; but I must reserve two of
+them to save my life at the sessions.
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB _and_ FOIGARD.
+
+_Arch._ Here, doctor: I suppose Scrub and you, between you, may manage
+him:----Lay hold of him. [FOIGARD _lays hold of_ GIBBET.
+
+_Gib._ What! turned over to the priest already----Lookye, doctor, you
+come before your time; I an't condemned yet, I thank ye.
+
+_Foig._ Come, my dear joy, I vil secure your body and your shoul too; I
+will make you a good catholic, and give you an absolution.
+
+_Gib._ Absolution! Can you procure me a pardon, doctor?
+
+_Foig._ No, joy.----
+
+_Gib._ Then you and your absolution may go to the devil.
+
+_Arch._ Convey him into the cellar, there bind him:--Take the pistol,
+and if he offers to resist, shoot him through the head,--and come back
+to us with all the speed you can.
+
+_Scrub._ Ay, ay; come, doctor, do you hold him fast, and I'll guard him.
+[_Exeunt_ SCRUB, GIBBET, _and_ FOIGARD.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ But how came the doctor?
+
+_Arch._ In short, madam----[_Shrieking without._] 'Sdeath! the rogues
+are at work with the other ladies:--I'm vexed I parted with the pistol;
+but I must fly to their assistance--Will you stay here, madam, or
+venture yourself with me?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Oh, with you, dear sir, with you. [_Takes him by the Arm,
+and exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_Another Apartment._
+
+_Enter_ HOUNSLOW _and_ BAGSHOT, _with Swords drawn, dragging in_ LADY
+BOUNTIFUL _and_ DORINDA.
+
+
+_Houns._ Come, come, your jewels, mistress.
+
+_Bag._ Your keys, your keys, old gentlewoman.
+
+     _Enter_ AIMWELL.
+
+_Aim._ Turn this way, villains; I durst engage an army in such a cause.
+[_He engages them both._
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER _and_ MRS. SULLEN.
+
+_Arch._ Hold! hold! my lord; every man his bird, pray.
+
+    [_They engage Man to Man; the Rogues are thrown down, and
+    disarmed._
+
+_Arch._ Shall we kill the rogues?
+
+_Aim._ No, no; we'll bind them.
+
+_Arch._ Ay, ay; here, madam, lend me your garter. [_To_ MRS. SULLEN,
+_who stands by him_.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ The devil's in this fellow; he fights, loves, and banters
+all in a breath: here's a rope, that the rogues brought with them, I
+suppose.
+
+_Arch._ Right, right, the rogue's destiny, a rope to hang
+himself----Come, my lord,----this is but a scandalous sort of an office,
+[_Binding the_ ROGUES _together_.] if our adventure should end in this
+sort of hangmanwork; but I hope there is something in prospect that--
+
+     _Enter_ SCRUB.
+
+Well, Scrub, have you secured your Tartar?
+
+_Scrub._ Yes, sir, I left the priest and him disputing about religion.
+
+_Aim._ And pray carry these gentlemen to reap the benefit of the
+controversy. [_Delivers the_ PRISONERS _to_ SCRUB, _who leads them out_.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sister, how came my lord here?
+
+_Dor._ And pray, how came the gentleman here?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I'll tell you the greatest piece of villainy--[_They talk in
+dumb Show._
+
+_Aim._ I fancy, Archer, you have been more successful in your adventure
+than the housebreakers.
+
+_Arch._ No matter for my adventure, yours is the principal----Press
+her this minute to marry you,--now while she's hurried between the
+palpitation of her fear, and the joy of her deliverance, now while the
+tide of her spirits are at high-flood:----throw yourself at her feet,
+speak some romantic nonsense or other;--confound her senses, bear down
+her reason, and away with her:--The priest is now in the cellar, and
+dare not refuse to do the work.
+
+_Aim._ But how shall I get off without being observed?
+
+_Arch._ You a lover, and not find a way to get off!--Let me see.
+
+_Aim._ You bleed, Archer.
+
+_Arch._ 'Sdeath, I'm glad on't; this wound will do the business--I'll
+amuse the old lady and Mrs. Sullen about dressing my wound, while you
+carry off Dorinda.
+
+_Lady B._ Gentlemen, could we understand how you would be gratified for
+the services----
+
+_Arch._ Come, come, my lady, this is no time for compliments; I'm
+wounded, madam.
+
+_Lady B. and Mrs. Sul._ How! wounded!
+
+_Dor._ I hope, sir, you have received no hurt?
+
+_Aim._ None but what you may cure---- [_Makes love in dumb Show._
+
+_Lady B._ Let me see your arm, sir--I must have some powder sugar, to
+stop the blood----O me! an ugly gash; upon my word, sir, you must go
+into bed.
+
+_Arch._ Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well----Madam, [_To_ MRS.
+SULLEN.] will you do me the favour to conduct me to a chamber?
+
+_Lady B._ Do, do, daughter,----while I get the lint, and the probe, and
+plaister ready. [_Runs out one Way_; AIMWELL _carries off_ DORINDA
+_another_.
+
+_Arch._ Come, madam, why don't you obey your mother's commands?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ How can you, after what is past, have the confidence to ask
+me?
+
+_Arch._ And if you go to that, how can you, after what is past, have
+the confidence to deny me?----Was not this blood shed in your defence,
+and my life exposed for your protection?--Lookye, madam, I'm none of
+your romantic fools, that fight giants and monsters for nothing; my
+valour is downright Swiss; I am a soldier of fortune, and must be paid.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ 'Tis ungenerous in you, sir, to upbraid me with your
+services.
+
+_Arch._ 'Tis ungenerous in you, madam, not to reward them.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ How! at the expense of my honour!
+
+_Arch._ Honour! Can honour consist with ingratitude? If you would deal
+like a woman of honour, do like a man of honour: d'ye think I would deny
+you in such a case?
+
+     _Enter_ GIPSEY.
+
+_Gip._ Madam, my lady ordered me to tell you, that your brother is below
+at the gate.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ My brother! Heavens be praised:--Sir, he shall thank you for
+your services; he has it in his power.
+
+_Arch._ Who is your brother, madam?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Sir Charles Freeman:----You'll excuse me, sir; I must go and
+receive him. [_Exit._
+
+_Arch._ Sir Charles Freeman! 'Sdeath and hell!----My old acquaintance.
+Now, unless Aimwell has made good use of his time, all our fair machine
+goes souse into the sea, like an Eddistone. [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+_The Gallery in the same House._
+
+_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ DORINDA.
+
+
+_Dor._ Well, well, my lord, you have conquered:--your late generous
+action will, I hope, plead for my easy yielding; though, I must own,
+your lordship had a friend in the fort before.
+
+_Aim._ The sweets of Hybla dwell upon her tongue--Here, doctor!----
+
+     _Enter_ FOIGARD, _with a Book_.
+
+_Foig._ Are you prepared bote?
+
+_Dor._ I'm ready. But first, my lord, one word--I have a frightful
+example of a hasty marriage in my own family; when I reflect upon't, it
+shocks me.--Pray, my lord, consider a little----
+
+_Aim._ Consider! Do you doubt my honour, or my love?
+
+_Dor._ Neither--I do believe you equally just as brave; and were your
+whole sex drawn out for me to chuse, I should not cast a look upon the
+multitude, if you were absent.--But, my lord, I'm a woman; colours,
+concealments, may hide a thousand faults in me--therefore, know me
+better first; I hardly dare affirm, I know myself in any thing, except
+my love.
+
+_Aim._ Such goodness who could injure! I find myself unequal to the task
+of villain; she has gained my soul, and made it honest like her own--I
+cannot hurt her. [_Aside._] Doctor, retire. [_Exit_ FOIGARD.] Madam,
+behold your lover, and your proselyte, and judge of my passion by my
+conversion.--I'm all a lie, nor dare I give a fiction to your arms;--I
+am all a counterfeit, except my passion.
+
+_Dor._ Forbid it, Heaven!--A counterfeit!
+
+_Aim._ I am no lord, but a poor, needy man, come with a mean, a
+scandalous design, to prey upon your fortune:--But the beauties of your
+mind and person, have so won me from myself, that, like a trusty
+servant, I prefer the interest of my mistress to my own.
+
+_Dor._ Pray, sir, who are you?
+
+_Aim._ Brother to the man, whose title I usurped, but stranger to his
+honour or his fortune.
+
+_Dor._ Matchless honesty!--Once I was proud, sir, of your wealth and
+title, but now am prouder that you want it: now I can show, that my love
+was justly levelled, and had no aim but love.--Doctor, come in.
+
+     _Enter_ FOIGARD, _at one Door_, GIPSEY _at another, who
+     whispers_ DORINDA.
+
+Your pardon, sir; we shan't want you now, sir. You must excuse me--I'll
+wait on you presently. [_Exit with_ GIPSEY.
+
+_Foig._ Upon my shoul, now, dis is foolish. [_Exit._
+
+_Aim._ Gone! and bid the priest depart--It has an ominous look!
+
+     _Enter_ ARCHER.
+
+_Arch._ Courage, Tom----Shall I wish you joy?
+
+_Aim._ No.
+
+_Arch._ Oons, man! what ha' you been doing?
+
+_Aim._ O Archer, my honesty, I fear, has ruined me.
+
+_Arch._ How!
+
+_Aim._ I have discovered myself.
+
+_Arch._ Discovered! and without my consent?--What! have I embarked my
+small remains in the same bottom with yours, and you dispose of all
+without my partnership?
+
+_Aim._ O, Archer, I own my fault.
+
+_Arch._ After conviction--'tis then too late for pardon.--You may
+remember, Mr. Aimwell, that you proposed this folly--As you begun, so
+end it--Henceforth, I'll hunt my fortune single--so farewell.
+
+_Aim._ Stay, my dear Archer, but a minute.
+
+_Arch._ Stay! What, to be despised, exposed, and laughed at?--No, I
+would sooner change conditions with the worst of the rogues we just now
+bound, than bear one scornful smile from the proud knight, that once I
+treated as my equal.
+
+_Aim._ What knight?
+
+_Arch._ Sir Charles Freeman, brother to the lady that I had almost----But,
+no matter for that, 'tis a cursed night's work, and so I leave you to
+make the best on't.
+
+_Aim._ Freeman!--One word, Archer--Still I have hopes; methought, she
+received my confession with pleasure.
+
+_Arch._ 'Sdeath! who doubts it?
+
+_Aim._ She consented after to the match; and still I dare believe she
+will be just.
+
+_Arch._ To herself, I warrant her; as you should have been.
+
+_Aim._ By all my hopes, she comes! and smiling comes.
+
+     _Enter_ DORINDA, _gaily_.
+
+_Dor._ Come, my dear lord, I fly with impatience to your arms.--The
+minutes of my absence was a tedious year.--Where's this priest?
+
+     _Enter_ FOIGARD.
+
+_Arch._ Oons! a brave girl!
+
+_Dor._ I suppose, my lord, this gentleman is privy to our affairs?
+
+_Arch._ Yes, yes, madam, I'm to be your father.
+
+_Dor._ Come, priest, do your office.
+
+_Arch._ Make haste, make haste! couple them any way. [_Takes_ AIMWELL'S
+_Hand_.] Come, madam, I'm to give you----
+
+_Dor._ My mind's altered--I won't.
+
+_Arch._ Eh!
+
+_Aim._ I'm confounded!
+
+_Foig._ Upon my shoul, and so is myshelf!
+
+_Arch._ What's the matter now, madam?
+
+_Dor._ Lookye, sir, one generous action deserves another.--This
+gentleman's honour obliged him to hide nothing from me; my justice
+engages me to conceal nothing from him. In short, sir, you are the
+person that you thought you counterfeited; you are the true Lord
+Viscount Aimwell, and I wish your lordship joy.--Now, priest, you may
+begone;--if my lord is now pleased with the match, let his lordship
+marry me in the face of the world.
+
+_Aim._ Archer, what does she mean?
+
+_Dor._ Here's a witness for my truth.
+
+     _Enter_ SIR CHARLES, _and_ MRS. SULLEN.
+
+_Sir C._ My dear Lord Aimwell, I wish you joy!
+
+_Aim._ Of what?
+
+_Sir C._ Of your honour and estate. Your brother died the day before I
+left London; and all your friends have writ after you to Brussels: among
+the rest, I did myself the honour.
+
+_Arch._ Harkye, sir knight, don't you banter now?
+
+_Sir C._ 'Tis truth, upon my honour.
+
+_Aim._ Thanks to the pregnant stars, that formed this accident.
+
+_Arch._ Thanks to the womb of time, that brought it forth--away with
+it.
+
+_Aim._ Thanks to my guardian angel, that led me to the prize. [_Taking_
+DORINDA'S _Hand_.
+
+_Arch._ And double thanks to the noble Sir Charles Freeman.--My lord, I
+wish you joy. My lady, I wish you joy.--Egad, Sir Charles, you're the
+honestest fellow living.--'Sdeath! I'm grown strangely airy upon this
+matter.----My lord, how d'ye?----A word, my lord: Don't you remember
+something of a previous agreement, that entitles me to the moiety of
+this lady's fortune, which, I think, will amount to ten thousand pounds?
+
+_Aim._ Not a penny, Archer: you would have cut my throat just now,
+because I would not deceive this lady.
+
+_Arch._ Ay, and I'll cut your throat still, if you should deceive her
+now.
+
+_Aim._ That's what I expect; and to end the dispute, the lady's fortune
+is twenty thousand pounds, we'll divide stakes; take the twenty thousand
+pounds, or the lady.
+
+_Dor._ How! is your lordship so indifferent?
+
+_Arch._ No, no, no, madam! his lordship knows very well, that I'll take
+the money; I leave you to his lordship, and so we are both provided for.
+
+     _Enter_ FOIGARD.
+
+_Foig._ Arra fait, de people do say, you be all robbed, joy.
+
+_Aim._ The ladies have been in some danger, sir, as you saw.
+
+_Foig._ Upon my shoul, our inn be rob too.
+
+_Aim._ Our inn! By whom?
+
+_Foig._ Upon my shalvation, our landlord has robbed himself, and run
+away wid da money.
+
+_Arch._ Robbed himself!
+
+_Foig._ Ay, fait! and me too, of a hundred pounds.
+
+_Arch._ Robbed you of a hundred pounds!
+
+_Foig._ Yes, fait, honey, that I did owe to him.
+
+_Aim._ Our money's gone, Frank!
+
+_Arch._ Rot the money! my wench is gone.
+
+_Sir C._ This good company meets opportunely in favour of a design I
+have in behalf of my unfortunate sister: I intend to part her from her
+husband. Gentlemen, will you assist me?
+
+_Arch._ Assist you!--'Sdeath! who would not?
+
+_Foig._ Ay, upon my shoul, we'll all ashist.
+
+     _Enter_ SULLEN.
+
+_Sul._ What's all this?----They tell me, spouse, that you had like to
+have been robbed.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Truly, spouse, I was pretty near it--had not these two
+gentlemen interposed.
+
+_Sul._ How came these gentlemen here?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ That's his way of returning thanks, you must know.
+
+_Foig._ Ay, but upon my conshience, de question be apropos, for all dat.
+
+_Sir C._ You promised, last night, sir, that you would deliver your lady
+to me this morning.
+
+_Sul._ Humph!
+
+_Arch._ Humph! what do you mean by humph?--Sir, you shall deliver
+her----In short, sir, we have saved you and your family, and if you are
+not civil, we'll unbind the rogues, join with them, and set fire to your
+house.--What does the man mean? Not part with his wife!
+
+_Foig._ Arra, not part wid your wife! Upon my shoul, de man dosh not
+understand common shivility.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Hold, gentlemen, all things here must move by consent:
+compulsion would spoil us. Let my dear and I talk the matter over, and
+you shall judge it between us.
+
+_Sul._ Let me know, first, who are to be our judges.--Pray, sir, who are
+you?
+
+_Sir C._ I am Sir Charles Freeman, come to take away your wife.
+
+_Sul._ And you, good sir?
+
+_Aim._ Thomas, Viscount Aimwell, come to take away your sister.
+
+_Sul._ And you, pray, sir?
+
+_Arch._ Francis Archer, Esq. come----
+
+_Sul._ To take away my mother, I hope.--Gentlemen, you are heartily
+welcome: I never met with three more obliging people since I was
+born.--And now, my dear, if you please, you shall have the first word.
+
+_Arch._ And the last, for five pounds. [_Aside._
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Spouse.
+
+_Sul._ Rib.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ How long have you been married?
+
+_Sul._ By the almanack, fourteen months--but, by my account, fourteen
+years.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ 'Tis thereabout, by my reckoning.
+
+_Foig._ Upon my conshience, dere accounts vil agree.
+
+_Sir C._ What are the bars to your mutual contentment?
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ In the first place, I can't drink ale with him.
+
+_Sul._ Nor can I drink tea with her.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I can't hunt with you.
+
+_Sul._ Nor can I dance with you.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ I hate cocking and racing.
+
+_Sul._ And I abhor ombre and picquet.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Your silence is intolerable.
+
+_Sul._ Your prating is worse.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Is there, on earth, a thing we can agree in?
+
+_Sul._ Yes--to part.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ With all my heart.
+
+_Sul._ Your hand.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ Here.
+
+_Sul._ These hands joined us; these shall part us--Away!
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ East.
+
+_Sul._ West.
+
+_Mrs. Sul._ North.
+
+_Sul._ South: as far as the poles asunder.
+
+_Foig._ Upon my shoul, a very pretty sheremony!
+
+_Sir C._ Now, Mr. Sullen, there wants only my sister's fortune to make
+us easy.
+
+_Sul._ Sir Charles, you love your sister, and I love her fortune; every
+one to his fancy.
+
+_Arch._ Then you won't refund?
+
+_Sul._ Not a stiver.
+
+_Arch._ What is her portion?
+
+_Sir C._ Ten thousand pounds, sir.
+
+_Arch._ I'll pay it: my lord, I thank him, has enabled me; and, if the
+lady pleases, she shall go home with me. This night's adventure has
+proved strangely lucky to us all--For Captain Gibbet, in his walk, has
+made bold, Mr. Sullen, with your study and scrutoire, and has taken out
+all the writings of your estate, all the articles of marriage with your
+lady, bills, bonds, leases, receipts, to an infinite value; I took them
+from him, and will deliver them to Sir Charles.
+
+_Sul._ How! my writings! my head aches consumedly.--Well, gentlemen,
+you shall have her fortune, but I can't talk. If you have a mind, Sir
+Charles, to be merry, and celebrate my sister's wedding and my divorce,
+you may command my house. But my head aches consumedly;--Scrub, bring me
+a dram.
+
+_Foig._ And put a sup in the top for myself. [_Exeunt_ FOIGARD _and_
+SULLEN.
+
+_Arch._ 'Twould be hard to guess which of these parties is the better
+pleased, the couple joined, or the couple parted; the one rejoicing in
+hopes of an untasted happiness, and the other in their deliverance from
+an experienced misery.
+
+  Both happy in their several states, we find:
+  Those parted by consent, and those conjoin'd.
+  Consent, if mutual, saves the lawyer's fee;
+  Consent is law enough to set you free.
+                                [_Exeunt Omnes._
+
+
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
+
+Contemporary spellings have been retained. Hyphenation is inconsistent
+throughout.
+
+Two changes were made to the text.
+
+Act 2: end of  Scene 1, Mrs. Sullen's penultimate speech:
+"her" was changed to "here" in the sentence:
+The Count is to dine here tonight.
+
+In Act 3, Scene 2:
+The words "Yes, faith", spoken by a non-existent character called
+"Alon", were assigned to Aimwell in keeping with the dialogue sequence.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Beaux-Stratagem, by George Farquhar
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