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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/37195-8.txt b/37195-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1cbf919 --- /dev/null +++ b/37195-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4099 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Beaux-Stratagem, by George Farquhar + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Beaux-Stratagem + A comedy in five acts + +Author: George Farquhar + +Commentator: Elizabeth Inchbald + +Release Date: August 24, 2011 [EBook #37195] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + + + + + THE + BEAUX STRATAGEM; + + + A COMEDY, + IN FIVE ACTS; + BY GEORGE FARQUHAR, ESQ. + + + AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRES ROYAL, + DRURY LANE AND COVENT GARDEN. + + + PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS + FROM THE PROMPT BOOK. + + WITH REMARKS + BY MRS. INCHBALD. + + + LONDON: + PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME, + PATERNOSTER ROW. + + + SAVAGE AND EASINGWOOD, + PRINTERS, LONDON. + + + + +REMARKS. + + +It is an honour to the morality of the present age, that this most +entertaining comedy is but seldom performed; and never, except some new +pantomime, or other gaudy spectacle, be added, as an afterpiece, for the +attraction of an audience. + +The well drawn characters, happy incidents, and excellent dialogue, in +"The Beaux Stratagem," are but poor atonement for that unrestrained +contempt of principle which pervades every scene. Plays of this kind +are far more mischievous than those, which preserve less appearance of +delicacy. Every auditor and reader shrinks from those crimes, which +are recommended in unseemly language, and from libertinism united with +coarse manners; but in adorning vice with wit, and audacious rakes with +the vivacity and elegance of men of fashion, youth, at least, will be +decoyed into the snare of admiration. + +Charmed with the spirit of Archer and Aimwell, the reader may not, +perhaps, immediately perceive, that those two fine gentlemen are but +arrant impostors; and that the lively, though pitiable Mrs. Sullen, +is no other than a deliberate violator of her marriage vow. Highly +delighted with every character, he will not, perhaps, at first observe, +that all the wise and witty persons of this comedy are knaves, and all +the honest people fools. + +It is said, that this play was written in six weeks--it is more +surprising still, that it was written by a dying man! + +Farquhar was a gentleman of elegant person and bewitching address, who, +having experienced the vicissitudes of life, as a man of fashion, an +actor, a captain in the army, an author, a lover, and a husband; and +having encountered bitter disappointment in some of his adventures--though +amply gratified by others--He, at the age of twenty-nine, sunk into a +dejection of spirits and decline of health; and in this state, he wrote +the present drama.--It had only been acted a night or two, when the +author, in the midst of those honours, which he derived from its +brilliant reception--died. + +As a proof that Farquhar was perfectly sensible of his dangerous state, +and that he regained cheerfulness as his end approached, the following +anecdote is told:-- + +The famed actress, Mrs. Oldfield, performed the part of Mrs. Sullen, +when the comedy was first produced; and being highly interested in +its success, from the esteem she bore the author; when it drew near +the last rehearsal, she desired Wilkes, the actor, to go to him, +and represent--that she advised him to make some alteration in the +catastrophe of the piece; for that she was apprehensive, the free manner +in which he had bestowed the hand of Mrs. Sullen upon Archer, without +first procuring a divorce from her husband, would offend great part +of the audience. "Oh," replied Farquhar, gaily, when this message was +delivered to him, "tell her, I wish she was married to me instead of +Sullen; for then, without the trouble of a divorce, I would give her +my bond, that she should be a widow within a few days." + +In this allusion he was prophetic;--and the apparent joy, with which he +expected his dissolution, may be accounted for on the supposition--that +the profligate characters, which he has pourtrayed in "The Beaux +Stratagem," were such as he had uniformly met with in the world;--and +he was rejoiced to leave them all behind. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONĈ. + + DRURY LANE. COVENT GARDEN. + AIMWELL _Mr. Holland._ _Mr. Brunton._ + SIR CHARLES FREEMAN _Mr. Bartley._ _Mr. Claremont._ + ARCHER _Mr. Elliston._ _Mr. Lewis._ + SULLEN _Mr. Powell._ _Mr. Murray._ + FOIGARD _Mr. Johnstone._ _Mr. Rock._ + BONIFACE _Mr. Palmer._ _Mr. Davenport._ + GIBBET _Mr. Wewitzer._ _Mr. Emery._ + HOUNSLOW _Mr. Maddocks._ _Mr. Atkins._ + BAGSHOT _Mr. Webb._ _Mr. Abbot._ + SCRUB _Mr. Bannister._ _Mr. Munden._ + + LADY BOUNTIFUL _Mrs. Sparks._ _Mrs. Emery._ + MRS. SULLEN _Mrs. Jordan._ _Mrs. Glover._ + DORINDA _Miss Mellon._ _Miss Brunton._ + CHERRY _Miss De Camp._ _Mrs. Martyr._ + GIPSEY _Mrs. Scott._ _Mrs. Beverly._ + + _SCENE,--Litchfield._ + + + + +THE + +BEAUX STRATAGEM. + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + +_An Inn._ + +_Enter_ BONIFACE, _running.--Bar Bell rings._ + + +_Bon._ Chamberlain! Maid! Cherry! Daughter Cherry! All asleep? all dead? + + + _Enter_ CHERRY, _running_. + + +_Cher._ Here! here! Why d'ye bawl so, father? d'ye think we have no +ears? + +_Bon._ You deserve to have none, you young minx:--The company of the +Warrington coach has stood in the hall this hour, and nobody to show +them to their chambers. + +_Cher._ And let them wait, father;--there's neither red coat in the +coach, nor footman behind it. + +_Bon._ But they threaten to go to another inn to-night. + +_Cher._ That they dare not, for fear the coachman should overturn +them to-morrow--[_Ringing._] Coming! coming!--Here's the London coach +arrived. + + _Enter several_ PEOPLE _with Trunks, Bandboxes, and other + Luggage, and cross the Stage_. + +_Bon._ Welcome ladies. + +_Cher._ Very welcome, gentlemen----Chamberlain, show the lion and the +rose. [_Exit with the_ COMPANY. + + _Enter_ AIMWELL, _in a Riding Habit_, ARCHER _as Footman, + carrying a Portmanteau_. + +_Bon._ This way, this way, gentlemen. + +_Aim._ Set down the things; go to the stable, and see my horses well +rubbed. + +_Arch._ I shall, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Aim._ You're my landlord, I suppose? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, I'm old Will Boniface, pretty well known upon this +road, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ O, Mr. Boniface, your servant. + +_Bon._ O, sir,----what will your honour please to drink, as the saying +is? + +_Aim._ I have heard your town of Litchfield much famed for ale, I think: +I'll taste that. + +_Bon._ Sir, I have now in my cellar ten tun of the best ale in +Staffordshire; 'tis smooth as oil, sweet as milk, clear as amber, and +strong as brandy, and will be just fourteen years old the fifth day of +next March. + +_Aim._ You are very exact, I find, in the age of your ale. + +_Bon._ As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my children: I'll show +you such ale----Here, tapster, broach number 1792, as the saying +is:----Sir, you shall taste my Anno Domini----I have lived in +Litchfield, man and boy, above eight and fifty years, and I believe +have not consumed eight and fifty ounces of meat. + +_Aim._ At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your sense by your bulk. + +_Bon._ Not in my life, sir; I have fed purely upon ale: I have eat my +ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale. + + _Enter_ TAPSTER, _with a Tankard_. + +Now, sir, you shall see: your worship's health: ha! delicious, +delicious----fancy it Burgundy, only fancy it, and 'tis worth ten +shillings a quart. + +_Aim._ [_Drinks._] 'Tis confounded strong. + +_Bon._ Strong! it must be so; or how would we be strong that drink it? + +_Aim._ And have you lived so long upon this ale, landlord? + +_Bon._ Eight and fifty years, upon my credit, sir; but it killed my +wife, poor woman, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ How came that to pass? + +_Bon._ I don't know how, sir; she would not let the ale take its natural +course, sir: she was for qualifying it every now and then with a dram, +as the saying is, and an honest gentleman, that came this way from +Ireland, made her a present of a dozen bottles of Usquebaugh----but the +poor woman was never well after; but, however, I was obliged to the +gentleman, you know. + +_Aim._ Why, was it the Usquebaugh that killed her? + +_Bon._ My Lady Bountiful said so--she, good lady, did what could be +done; she cured her of three tympanies, but the fourth carried her off; +but she's happy, and I'm contented, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ Who's that Lady Bountiful, you mentioned? + +_Bon._ 'Ods my life, sir, we'll drink her health. [_Drinks._] My Lady +Bountiful is one of the best of women: her last husband, Sir Charles +Bountiful, left her worth a thousand pounds a year; and I believe +she lays out one half on't in charitable uses, for the good of her +neighbours: she cures all disorders incidental to men, women and +children; in short, she has cured more people in and about Litchfield +within ten years, than the doctors have killed in twenty, and that's a +bold word. + +_Aim._ Has the lady been any other way useful in her generation? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, she has a daughter by Sir Charles, the finest woman +in all our country, and the greatest fortune: she has a son too by her +first husband, 'Squire Sullen, who married a fine lady from London +t'other day; if you please, sir, we'll drink his health. + +_Aim._ What sort of a man is he? + +_Bon._ Why, sir, the man's well enough; says little, thinks less, and +does--nothing at all, 'faith: but he's a man of great estate, and values +nobody. + +_Aim._ A sportsman, I suppose? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, he's a man of pleasure; he plays at whist, and smokes +his pipe eight-and-forty hours together sometimes. + +_Aim._ A fine sportsman truly! and married, you say? + +_Bon._ Ay, and to a curious woman, sir--but he's a---- He wants it here, +sir. [_Pointing to his Forehead._ + +_Aim._ He has it there, you mean. + +_Bon._ That's none of my business; he's my landlord, and so a man, you +know, would not----but I'cod he's no better than--sir, my humble service +to you. [_Drinks._] Though I value not a farthing what he can do to me; +I pay him his rent at quarter day; I have a good running trade; I have +but one daughter, and I can give her--but no matter for that. + +_Aim._ You are very happy, Mr. Boniface; pray what other company have +you in town? + +_Bon._ A power of fine ladies; and then we have the French Officers. + +_Aim._ O that's right, you have a good many of those gentlemen: pray how +do you like their company? + +_Bon._ So well, as the saying is, that I could wish we had as many more +of them; they are full of money, and pay double for every thing they +have; they know, sir, that we paid good round taxes for the taking of +them, and so they are willing to reimburse us a little; one of them +lodges in my house. + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ Landlord, there are some French Gentlemen below, that ask for +you. + +_Bon._ I'll wait on them----Does your master stay long in town, as the +saying is? [_To_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ I can't tell, as the saying is. + +_Bon._ Come from London? + +_Arch._ No! + +_Bon._ Going to London, mayhap? + +_Arch._ No! + +_Bon._ An odd fellow this; [_Bar Bell rings._] I beg your worship's +pardon, I'll wait on you in half a minute. [_Exit._ + +_Aim._ The coast's clear, I see--Now, my dear Archer, welcome to +Litchfield! + +_Arch._ I thank thee, my dear brother in iniquity. + +_Aim._ Iniquity! pr'ythee, leave canting; you need not change your style +with your dress. + +_Arch._ Don't mistake me, Aimwell, for 'tis still my maxim, that there's +no scandal like rags, nor any crimes so shameful as poverty. Men must +not be poor; idleness is the root of all evil; the world's wide enough, +let them bustle; fortune has taken the weak under her protection, but +men of sense are left to their industry. + +_Aim._ Upon which topic we proceed, and, I think, luckily hitherto: +would not any man swear now, that I am a man of quality, and you my +servant, when, if our intrinsic value were known---- + +_Arch._ Come, come, we are the men of intrinsic value, who can strike +our fortunes out of ourselves, whose worth is independent of accidents +in life, or revolutions in government: we have heads to get money, and +hearts to spend it. + +_Aim._ As to our hearts, I grant ye, they are as willing tits as any +within twenty degrees; but I can have no great opinion of our heads, +from the service they have done us hitherto, unless it be that they +brought us from London hither to Litchfield, made me a lord, and you my +servant. + +_Arch._ That's more than you could expect already, but what money have +we left? + +_Aim._ But two hundred pounds. + +_Arch._ And our horses, clothes, rings, &c. Why we have very good +fortunes now for moderate people; and let me tell you, that this two +hundred pounds, with the experience that we are now masters of, is a +better estate than the ten thousand we have spent----Our friends indeed +began to suspect that our pockets were low, but we came off with flying +colours, showed no signs of want either in word or deed. + +_Aim._ Ay, and our going to Brussels was a good pretence enough for our +sudden disappearing; and, I warrant you, our friends imagine, that we +are gone a volunteering. + +_Arch._ Why 'faith if this project fails, it must e'en come to that. +I am for venturing one of the hundreds, if you will, upon this knight +errantry; but in the case it should fail, we'll reserve the other to +carry us to some counterscarp, where we may die as we lived, in a blaze. + +_Aim._ With all my heart, and we have lived justly, Archer; we can't say +that we have spent our fortunes, but that we have enjoyed them. + +_Arch._ Right; so much pleasure for so much money; we have had our +pennyworths; and had I millions, I would go to the same market again. +O London, London! well, we have had our share, and let us be thankful: +past pleasures, for aught I know, are best; such we are sure of; those +to come may disappoint us, but you command for the day, and so I +submit:--At Nottingham, you know, I am to be master. + +_Aim._ And at Lincoln, I again. + +_Arch._ Then, at Norwich, I mount, which, I think, shall be our last +stage; for, if we fail there, we'll embark for Holland, bid adieu to +Venus, and welcome Mars. + +_Aim._ A match-- + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +Mum. + +_Bon._ What will your worship please to have for supper? + +_Aim._ What have you got? + +_Bon._ Sir, we have a delicate piece of beef in the pot, and a pig at +the fire. + +_Aim._ Good supper meat, I must confess----I can't eat beef, landlord. + +_Arch._ And I hate pig. + +_Aim._ Hold your prating, sirrah! do you know who you are? [_Aside._ + +_Bon._ Please to bespeak something else; I have every thing in the +house. + +_Aim._ Have you any veal? + +_Bon._ Veal, sir! we had a delicate loin of veal on Wednesday last. + +_Aim._ Have you got any fish, or wild fowl? + +_Bon._ As for fish, truly, sir, we are an inland town, and indifferently +provided with fish, that's the truth on't; but then for wild fowl!--We +have a delicate couple of rabbits. + +_Aim._ Get me the rabbits fricasseed. + +_Bon._ Fricasseed! Lard, sir, they'll eat much better smothered with +onions. + +_Arch._ Pshaw! Rot your onions. + +_Aim._ Again, sirrah;----Well, landlord, what you please; but hold, I +have a small charge of money, and your house is so full of strangers, +that I believe it may be safer in your custody than mine; for when this +fellow of mine gets drunk, he minds nothing--Here, sirrah, reach me the +strong box. + +_Arch._ Yes, sir,----this will give us reputation. [_Aside.--Brings the +Box._ + +_Aim._ Here, landlord, the locks are sealed down, both for your security +and mine; it holds somewhat above two hundred pounds; if you doubt it, +I'll count it to you after supper: But be sure you lay it where I may +have it at a minute's warning: for my affairs are a little dubious at +present; perhaps I may be gone in half an hour, perhaps I may be your +guest till the best part of that be spent; and pray order your ostler to +keep my horses ready saddled: But one thing above the rest I must beg, +that you would let this fellow have none of your Anno Domini, as you +call it;--for he's the most insufferable sot----Here, sirrah, light me +to my chamber. + +_Arch._ Yes, sir! [_Exit, lighted by_ ARCHER. + +_Bon._ Cherry, daughter Cherry. + + _Enter_ CHERRY. + +_Cher._ D'ye call, father? + +_Bon._ Ay, child, you must lay by this box for the gentleman, 'tis full +of money. + +_Cher._ Money! all that money! why sure, father, the gentleman comes to +be chosen parliament man. Who is he? + +_Bon._ I don't know what to make of him; he talks of keeping his horses +ready saddled, and of going, perhaps, at a minute's warning; or of +staying, perhaps, till the best part of this be spent. + +_Cher._ Ay! ten to one, father, he's a highwayman. + +_Bon._ A highwayman! upon my life, girl, you have hit it, and this box +is some new purchased booty.--Now, could we find him out, the money were +ours. + +_Cher._ He don't belong to our gang. + +_Bon._ What horses have they? + +_Cher._ The master rides upon a black. + +_Bon._ A black! ten to one the man upon the black mare: and since +he don't belong to our fraternity, we may betray him with a safe +conscience: I don't think it lawful to harbour any rogues but my own. +Lookye, child, as the saying is, we must go cunningly to work; proofs we +must have; the gentleman's servant loves drink; I'll ply him that way, +and ten to one he loves a wench; you must work him t'other way. + +_Cher._ Father, would you have me give my secret for his? + +_Bon._ Consider, child, there's two hundred pound, to boot. [_Ringing +without._] Coming, coming--child, mind your business. [_Exit_ BONIFACE. + +_Cher._ What a rogue is my father! My father! I deny it----My mother +was a good, generous, free-hearted woman, and I can't tell how far +her goodnature might have extended for the good of her children. This +landlord of mine, for I think I can call him no more, would betray his +guest, and debauch his daughter into the bargain,----by a footman too! + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ What footman, pray, mistress, is so happy as to be the subject +of your contemplation? + +_Cher._ Whoever he is, friend, he'll be but little the better for't. + +_Arch._ I hope so, for, I'm sure, you did not think of me. + +_Cher._ Suppose I had? + +_Arch._ Why then you're but even with me; for the minute I came in, I +was considering in what manner I should make love to you. + +_Cher._ Love to me, friend! + +_Arch._ Yes, child. + +_Cher._ Child! manners; if you kept a little more distance, friend, it +would become you much better. + +_Arch._ Distance! good night, saucebox. [_Going._ + +_Cher._ A pretty fellow; I like his pride.--Sir--pray, sir--you see, +sir. [ARCHER _returns_.] I have the credit to be entrusted with your +master's fortune here, which sets me a degree above his footman; I hope, +sir, you an't affronted. + +_Arch._ Let me look you full in the face, and I'll tell you whether you +can affront me or no.----'Sdeath, child, you have a pair of delicate +eyes, and you don't know what to do with them. + +_Cher._ Why, sir, don't I see every body! + +_Arch._ Ay, but if some women had them, they would kill every +body.----Pr'ythee instruct me; I would fain make love to you, but I +don't know what to say. + +_Cher._ Why, did you never make love to any body before? + +_Arch._ Never to a person of your figure, I can assure you, madam; my +addresses have been always confined to people within my own sphere, I +never aspired so high before. [ARCHER _sings_. + + _But you look so bright, + And are dress'd so tight, + That a man would swear you're right, + As arm was e'er laid over._ + +_Cher._ Will you give me that song, sir? + +_Arch._ Ay, my dear, take it while it is warm. [_Kisses her._] Death and +fire! her lips are honeycombs. + +_Cher._ And I wish there had been a swarm of bees too, to have stung you +for your impudence. + +_Arch._ There's a swarm of Cupids, my little Venus, that has done the +business much better. + +_Cher._ This fellow is misbegotten, as well as I. [_Aside._] What's your +name, sir? + +_Arch._ Name! egad, I have forgot it. [_Aside._] Oh, Martin. + +_Cher._ Where were you born? + +_Arch._ In St. Martin's parish. + +_Cher._ What was your father? + +_Arch._ Of--of--St. Martin's parish. + +_Cher._ Then, friend, goodnight. + +_Arch._ I hope not. + +_Cher._ You may depend upon't. + +_Arch._ Upon what? + +_Cher._ That you're very impudent. + +_Arch._ That you're very handsome. + +_Cher._ That you're a footman. + +_Arch._ That you're an angel. + +_Cher._ I shall be rude. + +_Arch._ So shall I. + +_Cher._ Let go my hand. + +_Arch._ Give me a kiss. [_Kisses her._ + +_Boniface._ [_Calls without._] Cherry, Cherry! + +_Cher._ I'm----My father calls; you plaguy devil, how durst you stop my +breath so?--Offer to follow me one step, if you dare. [_Exit._ + +_Arch._ A fair challenge, by this light; this is a pretty fair opening +of an adventure; but we are knight-errants, and so fortune be our guide! +[_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + +_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA _meeting_. + + +_Dor._ 'Morrow, my dear sister; are you for church this morning? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Any where to pray; for Heaven alone can help me: but I +think, Dorinda, there's no form of prayer in the Liturgy against bad +husbands. + +_Dor._ But there's a form of law at Doctors' Commons; and I swear, +sister Sullen, rather than see you thus continually discontented, I +would advise you to apply to that: for besides the part that I bear in +your vexatious broils, as being sister to the husband, and friend to the +wife, your examples give me such an impression of matrimony, that I +shall be apt to condemn my person to a long vacation all its life--But +supposing, madam, that you brought it to a case of separation, what can +you urge against your husband? my brother is, first, the most constant +man alive. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The most constant husband, I grant ye. + +_Dor._ He never sleeps from you. + +_Mrs. Sul._ No, he always sleeps with me. + +_Dor._ He allows you a maintenance suitable to your quality. + +_Mrs. Sul._ A maintenance! do you take me, madam, for an hospital child, +that I must sit down and bless my benefactors, for meat, drink, and +clothes? As I take it, madam, I brought your brother ten thousand +pounds, out of which I might expect some pretty things, called +pleasures. + +_Dor._ You share in all the pleasures that the country affords. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Country pleasures! racks and torments! dost think, child, +that my limbs were made for leaping of ditches, and clambering over +stiles; or that my parents, wisely foreseeing my future happiness in +country pleasures, had early instructed me in the rural accomplishments +of drinking fat ale, playing at whist, and smoaking tobacco with my +husband; and stilling rosemary water, with the good old gentlewoman my +mother-in-law? + +_Dor._ I'm sorry, madam, that it is not more in our power to divert you; +I could wish, indeed, that our entertainments were a little more polite, +or your taste a little less refined; but pray, madam, how came the poets +and philosophers, that laboured so much in hunting after pleasure, to +place it at last in a country life? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Because they wanted money, child, to find out the pleasures +of the town: Did you ever hear of a poet or philosopher worth ten +thousand pounds? if you can show me such a man, I'll lay you fifty +pounds you'll find him somewhere within the weekly bills. Not that I +disapprove rural pleasures, as the poets have painted them in their +landscapes; every Phyllis has her Corydon, every murmuring stream, and +every flowery mead give fresh alarms to love----Besides, you'll find, +their couples were never married:----But yonder, I see my Corydon, and a +sweet swain it is, Heaven knows--Come, Dorinda, don't be angry, he's my +husband, and your brother, and between both, is he not a sad brute? + +_Dor._ I have nothing to say to your part of him; you're the best judge. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O sister, sister! if ever you marry, beware of a sullen, +silent sot, one that's always musing, but never thinks--There's some +diversion in a talking blockhead; and since a woman must wear chains, I +would have the pleasure of hearing 'em rattle a little.--Now you shall +see; but take this by the way; he came home this morning, at his usual +hour of four, waked me out of a sweet dream of something else, by tumbling +over the tea-table, which he broke all to pieces; after his man and he +has rolled about the room like sick passengers in a storm, he comes +flounce into bed, dead as a salmon into a fishmonger's basket; his feet +cold as ice, his breath hot as a furnace, and his hands and his face as +greasy as his flannel night-cap----Oh matrimony! matrimony!----He tosses +up the clothes with a barbarous swing over his shoulders, disorders the +whole economy of my bed, and my whole night's comfort is the tuneable +serenade of that wakeful nightingale, his nose.----O the pleasure of +counting the melancholy clock by a snoring husband!----But now, sister, +you shall see how handsomely, being a well-bred man, he will beg my +pardon. + + _Enter_ SULLEN. + +_Sul._ My head aches consumedly. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Will you be pleased, my dear, to drink tea with us this +morning? it may do your head good. + +_Sul._ No. + +_Dor._ Coffee, brother? + +_Sul._ Pshaw? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Will you please to dress, and go to church with me? the air +may help you. + +_Sul._ Scrub! + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +_Scrub._ Sir! + +_Sul._ What day o'the week is this? + +_Scrub._ Sunday, an't please your worship. + +_Sul._ Sunday! bring me a dram; and, d'ye hear, set out the venison +pasty, and a tankard of strong beer upon the hall table, I'll go to +breakfast. [_Going._ + +_Dor._ Stay, stay, brother, you shan't get off so; you were very naught +last night, and must make your wife reparation: come, come, brother, +won't you ask pardon? + +_Sul._ For what? + +_Dor._ For being drunk last night. + +_Sul._ I can afford it, can't I? + +_Mrs. Sul._ But I can't, sir. + +_Sul._ Then you may let it alone. + +_Mrs. Sul._ But I must tell you, sir, that this is not to be borne. + +_Sul._ I'm glad on't. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What is the reason, sir, that you use me thus inhumanly? + +_Sul._ Scrub! + +_Scrub._ Sir! + +_Sul._ Get things ready to shave my head. [_Exit._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Have a care of coming near his temples, Scrub, for fear you +meet something there that may turn the edge of your razor. [_Exit_ +SCRUB.] Inveterate stupidity! did you ever know so hard, so obstinate a +spleen as his? O sister, sister! I shall never have good of the beast +till I get him to town; London, dear London, is the place for managing +and breaking a husband. + +_Dor._ And has not a husband the same opportunities there for humbling a +wife? + +_Mrs. Sul._ No, no, child; 'tis a standing maxim in conjugal discipline, +that when a man would enslave his wife, he hurries her into the country; +and when a lady would be arbitrary with her husband, she wheedles her +booby up to town----A man dare not play the tyrant in London, because +there are so many examples to encourage the subject to rebel, O Dorinda, +Dorinda! a fine woman may do any thing in London: On my conscience, she +may raise an army of forty thousand men. + +_Dor._ I fancy, sister, you have a mind to be trying your power that +way here in Litchfield; you have drawn the French Count to your colours +already. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The French are a people that can't live without their +gallantries. + +_Dor._ And some English that I know, sister, are not averse to such +amusements. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well, sister, since the truth must out, it may do as well +now as hereafter; I think, one way to rouse my lethargic, sottish, +husband, is to give him a rival; security begets negligence in all +people, and men must be alarmed to make them alert in their duty; women +are like pictures, of no value in the hands of a fool, till he hears men +of sense bid high for the purchase. + +_Dor._ This might do, sister, if my brother's understanding were to be +convinced into a passion for you; but, I believe, there's a natural +aversion on his side; and I fancy, sister, that you don't come much +behind him, if you dealt fairly. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I own it; we are united contradictions, fire and water. +But I could be contented, with a great many other wives, to humour the +censorious vulgar, and give the world an appearance of living well with +my husband, could I bring him but to dissemble a little kindness, to +keep me in countenance. + +_Dor._ But how do you know, sister, but that instead of rousing your +husband by this artifice to a counterfeit kindness, he should awake in +a real fury? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Let him:--If I can't entice him to the one, I would provoke +him to the other. + +_Dor._ But how must I behave myself between ye? + +_Mrs. Sul._ You must assist me. + +_Dor._ What, against my own brother! + +_Mrs. Sul._ He is but your half brother, and I'm your entire friend: If +I go a step beyond the bounds of honour, leave me; till then, I expect +you should go along with me in every thing; while I trust my honour in +your hands, you may trust your brother's in mine--The Count is to dine +here to-day. + +_Dor._ 'Tis a strange thing, sister, that I can't like that man. + +_Mrs. Sul._ You like nothing; your time is not come; love and death have +their fatalities, and strike home one time or other:--You'll pay for all +one day, I warrant ye--But come, my lady's tea is ready, and 'tis almost +church time. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_The Inn._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL, _dressed, and_ ARCHER. + + +_Aim._ And was she the daughter of the house? + +_Arch._ The Landlord is so blind as to think so; but, I dare swear, she +has better blood in her veins. + +_Aim._ Why dost think so? + +_Arch._ Because the baggage has a pert _je-ne-sçai-quoi_; she reads +plays, keeps a monkey, and is troubled with vapours. + +_Aim._ By which discoveries, I guess that you know more of her. + +_Arch._ Not yet, 'faith: the lady gives herself airs, forsooth; nothing +under a gentleman. + +_Aim._ Let me take her in hand. + +_Arch._ Say one word more o'that, and I'll declare myself, spoil your +sport there, and every where else: lookye, Aimwell, every man in his own +sphere. + +_Aim._ Right; and therefore you must pimp for your master. + +_Arch._ In the usual forms, good sir, after I have served myself.--But +to our business--You are so well dressed, Tom, and make so handsome a +figure, that I fancy you may do execution in a country church; the +exterior part strikes first, and you're in the right to make that +impression favourable. + +_Aim._ There's something in that which may turn to advantage: the +appearance of a stranger in a country church draws as many gazers as a +blazing star; no sooner he comes into the cathedral, but a train of +whispers runs buzzing round the congregation in a moment:--Who is he? +whence comes he? do you know him?--Then I, sir, tip the verger half a +crown; he pockets the simony, and inducts me into the best pew in the +church; I pull out my snuff-box, turn myself round, bow to the Bishop or +the Dean, if he be the commanding officer; single out a beauty, rivet +both my eyes to hers, set my nose a-bleeding by the strength of +imagination, and show the whole church my concern, by my endeavouring to +hide it: after the sermon, the whole town gives me to her for a lover; +and, by persuading the lady that I am dying for her, the tables are +turned, and she, in good earnest, falls in love with me. + +_Arch._ There's nothing in this, Tom, without a precedent; but, instead +of riveting your eyes to a beauty, try to fix them upon a fortune; +that's our business at present. + +_Aim._ Pshaw! no woman can be a beauty without a fortune.--Let me alone +for a marksman. + +_Arch._ Tom! + +_Aim._ Ay! + +_Arch._ When were you at church before, pray? + +_Aim._ Um--I was there at the coronation. + +_Arch._ And how can you expect a blessing by going to church now? + +_Aim._ Blessing? nay, Frank, I ask but for a wife! [_Exit._ + +_Arch._ Truly, the man is not very unreasonable in his demands. +[_Exit, at the opposite Door._ + + _Enter_ BONIFACE _and_ CHERRY. + +_Bon._ Well, daughter, as the saying is, have you brought Martin to +confess? + +_Cher._ Pray, father, don't put me upon getting any thing out of a man; +I'm but young, you know, father, and don't understand wheedling. + +_Bon._ Young! why, you jade, as the saying is, can any woman wheedle +that is not young? Your mother was useless at five and twenty! Would you +make your mother a whore, and me a cuckold, as the saying is? I tell +you, silence confesses it, and his master spends his money so freely, +and is so much a gentleman every manner of way, that he must be a +highwayman. + + _Enter_ GIBBET, _in a Cloak_. + +_Gib._ Landlord! Landlord! is the coast clear? + +_Bon._ O, Mr. Gibbet, what's the news? + +_Gib._ No matter; ask no questions; all fair and honourable. Here, +my dear Cherry. [_Gives her a Bag._] Two hundred sterling pounds, +as good as ever hanged or saved a rogue; lay them by with the rest. +And here--three wedding, or mourning rings--'tis much the same, you +know----Here, two silver hilted swords; I took those from fellows that +never show any part of their swords but the hilts: here is a diamond +necklace, which the lady hid in the privatest part in the coach, but I +found it out: this gold watch I took from a pawnbroker's wife; it was +left in her hands by a person of quality; there's the arms upon the +case. + +_Cher._ But who had you the money from? + +_Gib._ Ah! poor woman! I pitied her--from a poor lady, just eloped from +her husband; she had made up her cargo, and was bound for Ireland, as +hard as she could drive: she told me of her husband's barbarous usage, +and so, faith, I left her half a crown. But I had almost forgot, my dear +Cherry; I have a present for you. + +_Cher._ What is't? + +_Gib._ A pot of ceruse, my child, that I took out of a lady's under +petticoat pocket. + +_Cher._ What, Mr. Gibbet, do you think, that I paint? + +_Gib._ Why, you jade, your betters do; I am sure, the lady that I took +it from had a coronet upon her handkerchief.----Here, take my cloak, and +go, secure the premises. + +_Cher._ I will secure them. [_Exit._ + +_Bon._ But, harkye, where's Hounslow and Bagshot? + +_Gib._ They'll be here to-night. + +_Bon._ D'ye know of any other gentlemen o' the pad on this road? + +_Gib._ No. + +_Bon._ I fancy, that I have two that lodge in the house just now. + +_Gib._ The devil! how d'ye smoak them? + +_Bon._ Why, the one is gone to church. + +_Gib._ To church! that's suspicious, I must confess. + +_Bon._ And the other is now in his master's chamber: he pretends to be a +servant to the other; we'll call him out, and pump him a little. + +_Gib._ With all my heart. + +_Bon._ Mr. Martin! Mr. Martin! + + _Enter_ ARCHER, _brushing a Hat, and singing_. + +_Gib._ The roads are consumed deep; I'm as dirty as Old Brentford at +Christmas.----A good pretty fellow--Who's servant are you, friend? + +_Arch._ My master's. + +_Gib._ Really! + +_Arch._ Really. + +_Gib._ That's much--The fellow has been at the bar, by his +evasions:--But pray, sir, what is your master's name? + +Arch. _Tall, all, dall._ [Sings, and brushes the Hat.] This is the +most obstinate spot---- + +_Gib._ I ask you his name? + +_Arch._ Name, sir,--_Tall, all, dall_--I never asked him his name in my +life. _Tall, all, dall._ + +_Bon._ What think you now? + +_Gib._ Plain, plain; he talks now as if he were before a judge: but +pray, friend, which way does your master travel? + +_Arch._ On horseback. + +_Gib._ Very well again; an old offender--Right; but, I mean, does he go +upwards or downwards? + +_Arch._ Downwards, I fear, sir! _Tall, all._ + +_Gib._ I'm afraid thy fate will be a contrary way. + +_Bon._ Ha! ha! ha! Mr. Martin, you're very arch--This gentleman is only +travelling towards Chester, and would be glad of your company, that's +all--Come, Captain, you'll stay to-night, I suppose; I'll show you a +chamber----Come, Captain. + +_Gib._ Farewell, friend----[_Exeunt_ GIBBET _and_ BONIFACE. + +_Arch._ Captain, your servant----Captain! a pretty fellow! 'Sdeath, +I wonder that the officers of the army don't conspire to beat all +scoundrels in red but their own. + + _Enter_ CHERRY. + +_Cher._ Gone, and Martin here! I hope he did not listen: I would have +the merit of the discovery all my own, because I would oblige him to +love me. [_Aside._]--Mr. Martin, who was that man with my father? + +_Arch._ Some recruiting sergeant, or whipped out trooper, I suppose. + +_Cher._ All's safe, I find. [_Aside._ + +_Arch._ Come, my dear, have you conned over the catechism I taught you +last night? + +_Cher._ Come, question me. + +_Arch._ What is love? + +_Cher._ Love is I know not what, it comes I know not how, and goes I +know not when. + +_Arch._ Very well, an apt scholar. [_Chucks her under the Chin._] Where +does love enter? + +_Cher._ Into the eyes. + +_Arch._ And where go out? + +_Cher._ I won't tell you. + +_Arch._ What are the objects of that passion? + +_Cher._ Youth, beauty, and clean linen. + +_Arch._ The reason? + +_Cher._ The two first are fashionable in nature, and the third at court. + +_Arch._ That's my dear--What are the signs and tokens of that passion? + +_Cher._ A stealing look, a stammering tongue, words improbable, designs +impossible, and actions impracticable. + +_Arch._ That's my good child, kiss me.----What must a lover do to obtain +his mistress? + +_Cher._ He must adore the person that disdains him, he must bribe the +chambermaid that betrays him, and court the footman that laughs at +him!----He must, he must---- + +_Arch._ Nay, child, I must whip you if you don't mind your lesson; he +must treat his---- + +_Cher._ O! ay, he must treat his enemies with respect, his friends with +indifference, and all the world with contempt; he must suffer much, and +fear more; he must desire much, and hope little; in short, he must +embrace his ruin, and throw himself away. + +_Arch._ Had ever man so hopeful a pupil as mine? Come, my dear, why is +love called a riddle? + +_Cher._ Because, being blind, he leads those that see; and, though a +child, he governs a man. + +_Arch._ Mighty well--And why is love pictured blind? + +_Cher._ Because the painters, out of their weakness, or privilege of +their art, chose to hide those eyes they could not draw. + +_Arch._ That's my dear little scholar, kiss me again.--And why should +love, that's a child, govern a man? + +_Cher._ Because that a child is the end of love. + +_Arch._ And so ends love's catechism----And now, my dear, we'll go in, +and make my master's bed. + +_Cher._ Hold, hold, Mr. Martin----You have taken a great deal of pains +to instruct me, and what d'ye think I have learned by it? + +_Arch._ What? + +_Cher._ That your discourse and your habit are contradictions, and it +would be nonsense in me to believe you a footman any longer. + +_Arch._ 'Oons, what a witch it is! + +_Cher._ Depend upon this, sir, nothing in that garb shall ever tempt me; +for, though I was born to servitude, I hate it:--Own your condition, +swear you love me, and then---- + +_Arch._ And then we shall go make my master's bed? + +_Cher._ Yes. + +_Arch._ You must know, then, that I am born a gentleman, my education +was liberal; but I went to London a younger brother, fell into the hands +of sharpers, who stripped me of my money; my friends disowned me, and +now my necessity brings me to what you see. + +_Cher._ Then take my hand--promise to marry me before you sleep, and +I'll make you master of two thousand pounds. + +_Arch._ How! + +_Cher._ Two thousand pounds, that I have this minute in my own custody; +so throw off your livery this instant, and I'll go find a parson. + +_Arch._ What said you? A parson! + +_Cher._ What! do you scruple? + +_Arch._ Scruple! No, no, but--two thousand pounds, you say? + +_Cher._ And better. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath, what shall I do?--But harkye, child, what need you make +me master of yourself and money, when you may have the same pleasure out +of me, and still keep your fortune in your own hands? + +_Cher._ Then you won't marry me? + +_Arch._ I would marry you, but---- + +_Cher._ O, sweet sir, I'm your humble servant; you're fairly caught: +Would you persuade me that any gentleman, who could bear the scandal of +wearing a livery, would refuse two thousand pounds, let the condition be +what it would?--No, no, sir; but I hope you'll pardon the freedom I have +taken, since it was only to inform myself of the respect that I ought to +pay you. [_Going._ + +_Arch._ Fairly bit, by Jupiter!--Hold, hold! And have you actually two +thousand pounds? + +_Cher._ Sir, I have my secrets as well as you--when you please to +be more open, I shall be more free; and, be assured, that I have +discoveries that will match yours, be they what they will.--In the mean +while, be satisfied that no discovery I make shall ever hurt you; but +beware of my father----[_Exit._ + +_Arch._ So--we're like to have as many adventures in our inn, as Don +Quixotte had in his--Let me see--two thousand pounds! if the wench would +promise to die when the money were spent, egad, one would marry her; +but the fortune may go off in a year or two, and the wife may live--Lord +knows how long! then an innkeeper's daughter; ay, that's the devil--there +my pride brings me off. + + + For whatsoe'er the sages charge on pride, + The angels' fall, and twenty faults beside, + On earth, I'm sure, 'mong us of mortal calling, + Pride saves man oft, and woman too, from falling. + [_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + +LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +_Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA. + + +_Mrs. Sul._ Ha! ha! ha! my dear sister, let me embrace thee: now we are +friends indeed; for I shall have a secret of yours, as a pledge for +mine. + +_Dor._ But do you think that I am so weak as to fall in love with a +fellow at first sight? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pshaw! now you spoil all; why should not we be as free in +our friendships as the men? I warrant you, the gentleman has got to his +confidant already, has avowed his passion, toasted your health, and +called you ten thousand angels. + +_Dor._ Your hand, sister, I an't well. + +_Mrs. Sul._ So--come, child, up with it--hem a little--so--now, tell me, +don't you like the gentleman that we saw at church just now? + +_Dor._ The man's well enough. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well enough! Is he not a demigod, a Narcissus, a star, the +man i'the moon? + +_Dor._ O, sister, I'm extremely ill. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Come, unbosom yourself--the man is perfectly a pretty +fellow; I saw him when he first came into church. + +_Dor._ I saw him too, sister, and with an air that shone, methought, +like rays about his person. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well said, up with it. + +_Dor._ No forward coquette behaviour, no airs to set himself off, no +studied looks nor artful posture,--but nature did it all. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Better and better----One touch more; come-- + +_Dor._ But, then his looks--Did you observe his eyes? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Yes, yes, I did--his eyes; well, what of his eyes? + +_Dor._ Sprightly, but not wandering; they seemed to view, but never +gazed on any thing but me--and then his looks so humble were, and yet so +noble, that they aimed to tell me, that he could with pride die at my +feet, though he scorned slavery any where else. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The physic works purely--How d'ye find yourself now, my +dear? + +_Dor._ Hem! much better, my dear.--O, here comes our Mercury.-- + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +Well, Scrub, what news of the gentleman? + +_Scrub._ Madam, I have brought you a whole packet of news. + +_Dor._ Open it quickly; come. + +_Scrub._ In the first place, I inquired who the gentleman was? They told +me he was a stranger. Secondly, I asked, what the gentleman was? They +answered and said, that they never saw him before. Thirdly, I inquired, +what countryman he was? They replied, 'twas more than they knew. +Fourthly, I demanded, whence he came? Their answer was, they could not +tell. And, fifthly, I asked, whither he went? And they replied, they +knew nothing of the matter.--And this is all I could learn. + +_Mrs. Sul._ But what do the people say? can't they guess! + +_Scrub._ Why, some think he's a spy; some guess he's a mountebank; some +say one thing, some another;--but, for my own part, I believe he's a +jesuit. + +_Dor._ A jesuit! Why a jesuit? + +_Scrub._ Because he keeps his horses always ready saddled, and his +footman talks French! + +_Mrs. Sul._ His footman! + +_Scrub._ Ay; he and the Count's footman were jabbering French, like two +intriguing ducks in a mill-pond: and, I believe, they talked of me, for +they laughed consumedly. + +_Dor._ What sort of livery has the footman? + +_Scrub._ Livery! lord, madam, I took him for a captain, he's so +bedizened with lace: and then he has a silver-headed cane dangling +at his knuckles--he carries his hands in his pockets, and walks just +so--[_Walks in a French Air._] and has fine long hair, tied up in a +bag.----Lord, madam, he's clear another sort of man than I. + +_Mrs. Sul._ That may easily be--But what shall we do now, sister? + +_Dor._ I have it----This fellow has a world of simplicity, and some +cunning, the first hides the latter by abundance----Scrub. + +_Scrub._ Madam. + +_Dor._ We have a great mind to know who this gentleman is, only for our +satisfaction. + +_Scrub._ Yes, madam, it would be a satisfaction, no doubt. + +_Dor._ You must go and get acquainted with his footman, and invite him +hither to drink a bottle of your ale, because you are butler to-day. + +_Scrub._ Yes, madam, I am butler every Sunday. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O brave sister! o'my conscience, you understand the +mathematics already--'Tis the best plot in the world;--your mother, you +know, will be gone to church, my spouse will be got to the alehouse, +with his scoundrels, and the house will be our own--so we drop in by +accident, and ask the fellow some questions ourselves. In the country, +you know, any stranger is company, and we are glad to take up with the +butler in a country dance, and happy if he'll do us the favour. + +_Scrub._ Oh, madam! you wrong me: I never refused your ladyship the +favour in my life. + + _Enter_ GIPSEY. + +_Gip._ Ladies, dinner's upon table. + +_Dor._ Scrub, we'll excuse your waiting--Go where we ordered you. + +_Scrub._ I shall. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_The Inn._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ ARCHER. + + +_Arch._ Well, Tom, I find you are a marksman. + +_Aim._ A marksman! who so blind could be as not discern a swan among the +ravens? + +_Arch._ Well, but harkye, Aimwell---- + +_Aim._ Aimwell! call me Oroondates, Cesario, Amadis, all that romance +can in a lover paint, and then I'll answer. O, Archer, I read her +thousands in her looks! she looked like Ceres in her harvest; corn, +wine, and oil, milk and honey; gardens, groves, and purling streams, +played on her plenteous face. + +_Arch._ Her face!--her pocket, you mean. The corn, wine, and oil, lies +there. In short, she has twenty thousand pounds, that's the English +on't. + +_Aim._ Her eyes---- + +_Arch._ Are demicannons, to be sure; so I won't stand their battery. +[_Going._ + +_Aim._ Pray excuse me; my passion must have vent. + +_Arch._ Passion! what a plague, d'ye think these romantic airs will do +your business? Were my temper as extravagant as yours, my adventures +have something more romantic by half. + +_Aim._ Your adventures! + +_Arch._ Yes-- + + The nymph, that with her twice ten hundred pounds, + With brazen engine hot, and coif clear starch'd, + Can fire the guest in warming of the bed-- + +There's a touch of sublime Milton for you, and the subject, but an +innkeeper's daughter. I can play with a girl, as an angler does with his +fish; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and +down the stream, till at last, he brings it to hand, tickles the trout, +and so whips it into his basket. + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +_Bon._ Mr. Martin, as the saying is--yonder's an honest fellow below, +my Lady Bountiful's butler, who begs the honour, that you would go home +with him, and see his cellar. + +_Arch._ Do my _baissemains_ to the gentleman, and tell him, I will do +myself the honour to wait on him immediately, as the saying is. + +_Bon._ I shall do your worship's commands, as the saying is. +[_Exit, bowing obsequiously._ + +_Aim._ What do I hear? soft Orpheus play, and fair Toftida sing. + +_Arch._ Pshaw! damn your raptures; I tell you, here's a pump going to be +put into the vessel, and the ship will get into harbour, my life on't. +You say, there's another lady very handsome there? + +_Aim._ Yes, faith. + +_Arch._ I'm in love with her already. + +_Aim._ Can't you give me a bill upon Cherry in the mean time. + +_Arch._ No, no, friend; all her corn, wine, and oil, is ingrossed to my +market--And, once more, I warn you, to keep your anchorage clear of +mine; for if you fall foul on me, by this light, you shall go to the +bottom.--What! make prize of my little frigate, while I am upon the +cruize for you! [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +_Aim._ Well, well, I won't--Landlord, have you any tolerable company in +the house? I don't care for dining alone. + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, there's a captain below, as the saying is, that arrived +about an hour ago. + +_Aim._ Gentlemen of his coat are welcome every where;--will you make +him a compliment from me, and tell him, I should be glad of his company. + +_Bon._ Who shall I tell him, sir, would---- + +_Aim._ Ha! that stroke was well thrown in----I'm only a traveller, like +himself, and would be glad of his company, that's all. + +_Bon._ I obey your commands, as the saying is. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath! I had forgot--what title will you give yourself? + +_Aim._ My brother's, to be sure: he would never give me any thing else, +so I'll make bold with his honour this bout. You know the rest of your +cue. + +_Arch._ Ay, ay. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ GIBBET. + +_Gib._ Sir, I'm yours. + +_Aim._ 'Tis more than I deserve, sir; for I don't know you. + +_Gib._ I don't wonder at that, sir, for you never saw me before----I +hope. [_Aside._ + +_Aim._ And pray, sir, how came I by the honour of seeing you now? + +_Gib._ Sir, I scorn to intrude upon any gentleman--but my landlord-- + +_Aim._ O, sir, I ask your pardon; you are the captain he told me of? + +_Gib._ At your service, sir. + +_Aim._ What regiment, may I be so bold? + +_Gib._ A marching regiment, sir; an old corps. + +_Aim._ Very old, if your coat be regimental. [_Aside._] You have served +abroad, sir? + +_Gib._ Yes, sir, in the plantations; 'twas my lot to be sent into the +worst service; I would have quitted it indeed, but a man of honour, you +know----Besides, 'twas for the good of my country, that I should be +abroad----Any thing for the good of one's country.--I'm a Roman for +that. + +_Aim._ One of the first, I'll lay my life. [_Aside._] You found the West +Indies very hot, sir? + +_Gib._ Ay, sir, too hot for me. + +_Aim._ Pray sir, han't I seen your face at Will's coffeehouse? + +_Gib._ Yes, sir, and at White's too. + +_Aim._ And where is your company now, captain? + +_Gib._ They a'nt come yet. + +_Aim._ Why, d'ye expect them here? + +_Gib._ They'll be here to-night, sir. + +_Aim._ Which way do they march? + +_Gib._ Across the country.----The devil's in't, if I han't said enough +to encourage him to declare--but I'm afraid he's not right--I must tack +about. [_Aside._ + +_Aim._ Is your company to quarter at Litchfield? + +_Gib._ In this house, sir. + +_Aim._ What! all? + +_Gib._ My company's but thin--Ha! ha! ha! we are but three;--ha! ha! ha! + +_Aim._ You are merry, sir. + +_Gib._ Ay, sir, you must excuse me, sir, I understand the world, +especially the art of travelling: I don't care, sir, for answering +questions directly upon the road--for I generally ride with a charge +about me. + +_Aim._ Three or four, I believe. [_Aside._ + +_Gib._ I am credibly informed, that there are highwaymen upon this +quarter--not, sir, that I could suspect a gentleman of your figure--But, +truly, sir, I have got such a way of evasion upon the road, that I don't +care for speaking truth to any man. + +_Aim._ Your caution may be necessary--Then, I presume, you are no +captain. + +_Gib._ Not I, sir; captain is a good travelling name, and so I take it. +It stops a great many foolish inquiries, that are generally made about +gentlemen that travel;--it gives a man an air of something, and makes +the drawers obedient.--And, thus far, I am a captain, and no farther. + +_Aim._ And, pray, sir, what is your true profession? + +_Gib._ O, sir, you must excuse me--upon my word, sir, I don't think it +safe to tell ye. + +_Aim._ Ha! ha! ha! upon my word, I commend you.-- + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +Well, Mr. Boniface, what's the news? + +_Bon._ There's another gentleman below, as the saying is, that, hearing +you were but two, would be glad to make the third man, if you'd give him +leave. + +_Aim._ What is he? + +_Bon._ A clergyman, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ A clergyman!--is he really a clergyman? or is it only his +travelling name, as my friend the captain has it. + +_Bon._ O, sir, he's a priest, and chaplain to the French officers in +town. + +_Aim._ Is he a Frenchman? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir; born at Brussels. + +_Gib._ A Frenchman, and a priest! I won't be seen in his company, +sir;--I have a value for my reputation, sir. + +_Aim._ Nay, but, captain, since we are by ourselves--Can he speak +English, landlord? + +_Bon._ Very well, sir; you may know him, as the saying is, to be a +foreigner by his accent, and that's all. + +_Aim._ Then he has been in England before? + +_Bon._ Never, sir, but he's a master of languages, as the saying is--he +talks Latin; it does me good to hear him talk Latin. + +_Aim._ Then you understand Latin, Mr. Boniface? + +_Bon._ Not I, sir, as the saying is;--but he talks it so very fast, that +I'm sure it must be good. + +_Aim._ Pray desire him to walk up. + +_Bon._ Here he is, as the saying is. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ Save you, gentlemens bote. + +_Aim._ A Frenchman!--Sir, your most humble servant. + +_Foig._ Och, dear joy, I am your most faithful shervant; and yours +alsho. + +_Gib._ Doctor, you talk very good English, but you have a mighty twang +of the foreigner. + +_Foig._ My English is very well for the vords; but ve foreigners, you +know, cannot bring our tongues about the pronunciation so soon. + +_Aim._ A foreigner! A downright teague, by this light. [_Aside._] Were +you born in France, doctor? + +_Foig._ I was educated in France, but I was borned at Brussels; I am a +subject of the King of Spain, joy. + +_Gib._ What King of Spain, sir? speak. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, joy, I cannot tell you as yet. + +_Aim._ Nay, captain, that was too hard upon the doctor; he's a stranger. + +_Foig._ O, let him alone, dear joy, I am of a nation that is not easily +put out of countenance. + +_Aim._ Come, gentlemen, I'll end the dispute----Here, landlord, is +dinner ready? + +_Bon._ Upon the table, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ Gentlemen--pray--that door---- + +_Foig._ No, no, fait, the captain must lead. + +_Aim._ No, doctor, the church is our guide. + +_Gib._ Ay, ay, so it is. [_Exeunt_, FOIGARD _foremost_. + + +SCENE III. + +_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +_Enter_ ARCHER _and_ SCRUB, _singing, and hugging one another_; SCRUB +_with a Tankard in his Hand_--GIPSEY _listening at a Distance_. + + +Scrub. _Tal, all, dal_----Come, my dear boy, let us have that song +once more. + +_Arch._ No, no, we shall disturb the family----But will you be sure to +keep the secret? + +_Scrub._ Pho! upon my honour, as I'm a gentleman. + +_Arch._ 'Tis enough----You must know then, that my master is the Lord +Viscount Aimwell: he fought a duel t'other day in London, wounded his +man so dangerously, that he thinks fit to withdraw, till he hears +whether the gentleman's wounds be mortal or not. He never was in this +part of England before, so he chose to retire to this place, that's all. + +_Gip._ And, that's enough for me. [_Exit._ + +_Scrub._ And where were you, when your master fought? + +_Arch._ We never know of our master's quarrels. + +_Scrub._ No! if our masters in the country here receive a challenge, the +first thing they do, is to tell their wives; the wife tells the +servants, the servants alarm the tenants, and in half an hour, you shall +have the whole country up in arms. + +_Arch._ To hinder two men from doing what they have no mind for.--But, +if you should chance to talk now of this business---- + +_Scrub._ Talk! Ah, sir, had I not learned the knack of holding my +tongue, I had never lived so long in a great family. + +_Arch._ Ay, ay, to be sure, there are secrets in all families. + +_Scrub._ Secrets, O lud!----But I'll say no more--Come, sit down, we'll +make an end of our tankard:--Here---- + +_Arch._ With all my heart; who knows but you and I may come to be better +acquainted, eh?----Here's your ladies' health--You have three, I think, +and to be sure there must be secrets among them? + +_Scrub._ Secrets! ah, friend, friend! I wish I had a friend. + +_Arch._ Am not I your friend? Come, you and I will be sworn brothers. + +_Scrub._ Shall we? + +_Arch._ From this minute--Give me a kiss----and now, brother Scrub---- + +_Scrub._ And now, brother Martin, I will tell you a secret, that will +make your hair stand on end.--You must know, that I am consumedly in +love. + +_Arch._ That's a terrible secret, that's the truth on't. + +_Scrub._ That jade, Gipsey, that was with us just now in the cellar, is +the arrantest whore that ever wore a petticoat, and I'm dying for love +of her. + +_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha!--are you in love with her person or her virtue, +brother Scrub? + +_Scrub._ I should like virtue best, because it is more durable than +beauty; for virtue holds good with some women long and many a day after +they have lost it. + +_Arch._ In the country, I grant ye, where no woman's virtue is lost, +till a bastard be found. + +_Scrub._ Ay, could I bring her to a bastard, I should have her all to +myself; but I dare not put it upon that lay, for fear of being sent for +a soldier.--Pray, brother, how do you gentlemen in London like that same +pressing act? + +_Arch._ Very ill, brother Scrub;----'Tis the worst that ever was made +for us;--formerly I remembered the good days when we could dun our +masters for our wages, and if they refused to pay us, we could have a +warrant to carry them before a justice: but now if we talk of eating, +they have a warrant for us and carry us before three justices. + +_Scrub._ And to be sure we go, if we talk of eating; for the +justices won't give their own servants a bad example. Now this is my +misfortune--I dare not speak in the house, while that jade, Gipsey, +dings about like a fury----once I had the better end of the staff. + +_Arch._ And how comes the change now? + +_Scrub._ Why, the mother of all this mischief is a priest. + +_Arch._ A priest! + +_Scrub._ Ay, a damn'd son of a whore of Babylon, that came over hither +to say grace to the French officers, and eat up our provisions--There's +not a day goes over his head without a dinner or supper in this house. + +_Arch._ How came he so familiar in the family? + +_Scrub._ Because he speaks English as if he had lived here all his life, +and tells lies as if he had been a traveller from his cradle. + +_Arch._ And this priest, I'm afraid, has converted the affection of your +Gipsey. + +_Scrub._ Converted! ay, and perverted, my dear friend--for, I'm afraid +he has made her a whore, and a papist--but this is not all; there's the +French count and Mrs. Sullen, they're in the confederacy, and for some +private ends of their own too, to be sure. + +_Arch._ A very hopeful family yours, brother Scrub; I suppose the maiden +lady has her lover too? + +_Scrub._ Not that I know--She's the best of them, that's the truth +on't: but they take care to prevent my curiosity, by giving me so much +business, that I'm a perfect slave--What d'ye think is my place in this +family? + +_Arch._ Butler, I suppose. + +_Scrub._ Ah, lord help you--I'll tell you--Of a Monday I drive the +coach, of a Tuesday I drive the plough, on Wednesday I follow the +hounds, a Thursday I dun the tenants, on Friday I go to market, on +Saturday I draw warrants, and a Sunday I draw beer. + +_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha! if variety be a pleasure in life, you have enough +on't, my dear brother----but what ladies are those? + +_Scrub._ Ours, ours; that upon the right hand is Mrs. Sullen, and the +other Mrs. Dorinda----don't mind them, sit still, man---- + + _Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I have heard my brother talk of Lord Aimwell, but they say +that his brother is the finer gentleman. + +_Dor._ That's impossible, sister. + +_Mrs. Sul._ He's vastly rich, and very close, they say. + +_Dor._ No matter for that; if I can creep into his heart, I'll open his +breast, I warrant him: I have heard say, that people may be guessed at +by the behaviour of their servants; I could wish we might talk to that +fellow. + +_Mrs. Sul._ So do I; for I think he's a very pretty fellow; come this +way, I'll throw out a lure for him presently. + + [_They walk towards the opposite Side of the Stage_; MRS. + SULLEN _drops her Fan_, ARCHER _runs, takes it up, and gives + it to her_. + +_Arch._ Corn, wine, and oil, indeed----but, I think the wife has the +greatest plenty of flesh and blood; she should be my choice--Ay, ay, say +you so--madam--your ladyship's fan. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O, sir, I thank you--What a handsome bow the fellow made! + +_Dor._ Bow! why I have known several footmen come down from London, set +up here for dancing masters, and carry off the best fortunes in the +country. + +_Arch._ [_Aside._] That project, for aught I know, had been better than +ours----Brother Scrub, why don't you introduce me? + +_Scrub._ Ladies, this is the strange gentleman's servant, that you saw +at church to-day: I understood he came from London, and so I invited him +to the cellar, that he might show me the newest flourish in whetting my +knives. + +_Dor._ And I hope you have made much of him. + +_Arch._ Oh, yes, madam, but the strength of your ladyship's liquor is a +little too potent for the constitution of your humble servant. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What, then you don't usually drink ale? + +_Arch._ No, madam, my constant drink is tea, or a little wine and water; +'tis prescribed me by the physician, for a remedy against the spleen-- + +_Scrub._ O la! O la!--A footman have the spleen! + +_Mrs. Sul._ I thought that distemper had been only proper to people of +quality. + +_Arch._ Madam, like all other fashions, it wears out, and so descends to +their servants; though in a great many of us, I believe it proceeds from +some melancholy particles in the blood, occasioned by the stagnation of +wages. + +_Dor._ How affectedly the fellow talks----How long, pray, have you +served your present master? + +_Arch._ Not long; my life has been mostly spent in the service of the +ladies. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And pray, which service do you like best? + +_Arch._ Madam, the ladies pay best; the honour of serving them is +sufficient wages; there is a charm in their looks, that delivers +a pleasure with their commands, and gives our duty the wings of +inclination. + +_Mrs. Sul._ That flight was above the pitch of a livery; and, sir, would +not you be satisfied to serve a lady again? + +_Arch._ As groom of the chambers, madam, but not as a footman. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I suppose you served as footman before? + +_Arch._ For that reason I would not serve in that post again; for my +memory is too weak for the load of messages that the ladies lay upon +their servants in London: my Lady Howd'ye, the last mistress I served, +called me up one morning, and told me, Martin, go to my Lady Allnight, +with my humble service; tell her, I was to wait on her ladyship +yesterday, and left word with Mrs. Rebecca, that the preliminaries of +the affair she knows of, are stopped till we know the concurrence of the +person that I know of; for which there are circumstances wanting which +we shall accommodate at the old place; but that in the mean time there +is a person about her ladyship, that, from several hints and surmises, +was accessary at a certain time to the disappointments that naturally +attend things, that to her knowledge are of more importance---- + + _Mrs. Sul._ } + Ha! ha! where are you going, sir? + _Dor._ } + +_Arch._ Why, I han't half done----The whole howd'ye was about half an +hour long; so I happened to misplace two syllables, and, was turned off, +and rendered incapable---- + +_Dor._ The pleasantest fellow, sister, I ever saw.--But, friend, if your +master be married,----I presume you still serve a lady. + +_Arch._ No, madam, I take care never to come into a married family; the +commands of the master and mistress are always so contrary, that 'tis +impossible to please both. + +_Dor._ There's a main point gained----My lord is not married, I find. +[_Aside._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ But I wonder, friend, that in so many good services, you had +not a better provision made for you. + +_Arch._ I don't know how, madam----I am very well as I am---- + +_Mrs. Sul._ Something for a pair of gloves. [_Offering him Money._ + +_Arch._ I humbly beg leave to be excused; my master, madam, pays me, nor +dare I take money from any other hand, without injuring his honour, and +disobeying his commands. + +_Scrub._ Brother Martin, brother Martin. + +_Arch._ What do you say, brother Scrub? + +_Scrub._ Take the money, and give it to me. [_Exeunt_ ARCHER _and_ SCRUB. + +_Dor._ This is surprising: did you ever see so pretty a well-bred +fellow? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The devil take him, for wearing that livery. + +_Dor._ I fancy, sister, he may be some gentleman, a friend of my lord's, +that his lordship has pitched upon for his courage, fidelity, and +discretion, to bear him company in this dress, and who, ten to one, was +his second. + +_Mrs. Sul._ It is so, it must be so, and it shall be so--for I like him. + +_Dor._ What! better than the count? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The count happened to be the most agreeable man upon the +place; and so I chose him to serve me in my design upon my husband----But +I should like this fellow better in a design upon myself. + +_Dor._ But now, sister, for an interview with this lord and this +gentleman; how shall we bring that about? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Patience! you country ladies give no quarter.--Lookye, +Dorinda, if my Lord Aimwell loves you or deserves you, he'll find a way +to see you, and there we must leave it----My business comes now upon the +tapis,----Have you prepared your brother? + +_Dor._ Yes, yes. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And how did he relish it? + +_Dor._ He said little, mumbled something to himself, and promised to be +guided by me: but here he comes.-- + + _Enter_ SULLEN. + +_Sul._ What singing was that I heard just now? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The singing in your head, my dear, you complained of it all +day. + +_Sul._ You're impertinent. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I was ever so, since I became one flesh with you. + +_Sul._ One flesh! rather two carcases joined unnaturally together. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Or rather a living soul coupled to a dead body. + +_Dor._ So, this is fine encouragement for me! + +_Sul._ Yes, my wife shows you what you must do! + +_Mrs. Sul._ And my husband shows you what you must suffer. + +_Sul._ 'Sdeath, why can't you be silent? + +_Mrs. Sul._ 'Sdeath, why can't you talk? + +_Sul._ Do you talk to any purpose? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Do you think to any purpose? + +_Sul._ Sister, harkye--[_Whispers._] I shan't be home till it be late. +[_Exit._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ What did he whisper to ye? + +_Dor._ That he would go round the back way, come into the closet, and +listen, as I directed him.--But let me beg once more, dear sister, to +drop this project; for, as I told you before, instead of awaking him to +kindness, you may provoke him to rage; and then who knows how far his +brutality may carry him? + +_Mrs. Sul._ I'm provided to receive him, I warrant you; away! [_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + +_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +_Enter_ LADY BOUNTIFUL _and_ MRS. SULLEN, DORINDA _meeting them_. + + +_Dor._ News, dear sister, news, news! + + _Enter_ ARCHER, _running_. + +_Arch._ Where, where is my Lady Bountiful?----Pray which is the old lady +of you three? + +_Lady B._ I am. + +_Arch._ O madam, the fame of your ladyship's charity, goodness, +benevolence, skill, and ability, have drawn me hither, to implore your +ladyship's help in behalf of my unfortunate master, who is at this +moment breathing his last. + +_Lady B._ Your master! where is he? + +_Arch._ At your gate, madam: drawn by the appearance of your handsome +house, to view it nearer, and walking up the avenue, within five paces +of the courtyard, he was taken ill of a sudden, with a sort of I know +not what: but down he fell, and there he lies. + +_Lady B._ Here, Scrub, Gipsey. + + _Enter_ SCRUB _and_ GIPSEY. + +All run, get my easy-chair down stairs, put the gentleman in it, and +bring him in quickly, quickly. + +_Arch._ Heaven will reward your ladyship for this charitable act. + +_Lady B._ Is your master used to these fits? + +_Arch._ O yes, madam, frequently--I have known him have five or six of a +night. + +_Lady B._ What's his name? + +_Arch._ Lord, madam, he's dying; a minute's care or neglect may save or +destroy his life. + +_Lady B._ Ah, poor gentleman! come, friend, show me the way; I'll see +him brought in myself. [_Exit with_ ARCHER. + +_Dor._ Oh, sister, my heart flutters about strangely; I can hardly +forbear running to his assistance. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And I'll lay my life he deserves your assistance more than +he wants it: did not I tell you that my lord would find a way to come +at you? Love's his distemper, and you must be the physician; put on +all your charms, summon all your fire into your eyes, plant the whole +artillery of your looks against his breast, and down with him. + +_Dor._ O, sister, I'm but a young gunner, I shall be afraid to shoot, +for fear the piece should recoil, and hurt myself. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Never fear, you shall see me shoot before you, if you will. + +_Dor._ No, no, dear sister, you have missed your mark so unfortunately, +that I shan't care for being instructed by you. + + _Enter_ AIMWELL, _in a Chair, carried by_ ARCHER _and_ + SCRUB; LADY BOUNTIFUL, GIPSEY. AIMWELL _counterfeiting a + Swoon_. + +_Lady B._ Here, here, let's see--the hartshorn drops--Gipsey, a glass +of fair water, his fit's very strong.--Bless me, how his hands are +clenched! + +_Arch._ For shame, ladies, what d'ye do? why don't you help us?--Pray, +madam, [_To_ DORINDA.] take his hand, and open it, if you can, whilst I +hold his head. [DORINDA _takes his Hand_. + +_Dor._ Poor gentleman--Oh--he has got my hand within his, and squeezes +it unmercifully---- + +_Lady B._ 'Tis the violence of his convulsion, child. + +_Arch._ Oh, madam, he's perfectly possessed in these cases--he'll bite +you, if you don't have a care. + +_Dor._ Oh, my hand, my hand! + +_Lady B._ What's the matter with the foolish girl? I have got this hand +open you see with a great deal of ease. + +_Arch._ Ay, but, madam, your daughter's hand is somewhat warmer than +your ladyship's, and the heat of it draws the force of the spirits that +way. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I find, friend, you are very learned in these sort of fits. + +_Arch._ 'Tis no wonder, madam, for I'm often troubled with them myself; +I find myself extremely ill at this minute. [_Looking hard at_ MRS. +SULLEN. + +_Mrs. Sul._ [_Aside._] I fancy I could find a way to cure you. + +_Lady B._ His fit holds him very long. + +_Arch._ Longer than usual, madam.---- + +_Lady B._ Where did his illness take him first, pray! + +_Arch._ To-day, at church, madam. + +_Lady B._ In what manner was he taken? + +_Arch._ Very strangely, my lady. He was of a sudden touched with +something in his eyes, which at the first he only felt, but could not +tell whether 'twas pain or pleasure. + +_Lady B._ Wind, nothing but wind.----Your master should never go without +a bottle to smell to----Oh!----he recovers----the lavender water----some +feathers to burn under his nose--Hungary water to rub his temples----Oh, +he comes to himself. Hem a little, sir, hem----Gipsey, bring the cordial +water. [AIMWELL _seems to awake in amaze_. + +_Dor._ How do you, sir? + +_Aim._ Where am I? [_Rising._ + + Sure I have passed the gulf of silent death, + And now am landed on the Elysian shore. + Behold the goddess of those happy plains, + Fair Proserpine--let me adore thy bright divinity. + + [_Kneels to_ DORINDA, _and kisses her Hand_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ So, so, so; I knew where the fit would end. + + _Aim._ Eurydice, perhaps---- + How could thy Orpheus keep his word, + And not look back upon thee; + No treasure but thyself could sure have brib'd him + To look one minute off thee. + +_Lady B._ Delirious, poor gentleman. + +_Arch._ Very delirious, madam, very delirious. + +_Aim._ Martin's voice, I think. + +_Arch._ Yes, my lord--How does your lordship? + +_Lady B._ Lord! did you mind that, girls? + +_Aim._ Where am I? + +_Arch._ In very good hands, sir--You were taken just now with one of +your old fits, under the trees, just by this good lady's house; her +ladyship had you taken in, and has miraculously brought you to yourself, +as you see---- + +_Aim._ I am so confounded with shame, madam, that I can now only beg +pardon----And refer my acknowledgments for your ladyship's care till an +opportunity offers of making some amends--I dare be no longer +troublesome--Martin, give two guineas to the servants. [_Going._ + +_Dor._ Sir, you may catch cold by going so soon into the air; you don't +look, sir, as if you were perfectly recovered. + + [ARCHER _talks to_ LADY BOUNTIFUL _in dumb Show_. + +_Aim._ That I shall never be, madam: my present illness is so rooted, +that I must expect to carry it to my grave. + +_Lady B._ Come, sir, your servant has been telling me that you are apt +to relapse, if you go into the air--Your good manners shan't get the +better of ours--You shall sit down again, sir:--Come, sir, we don't mind +ceremonies in the country--Here, Gipsey, bring the cordial water.--Here, +sir, my service t'ye----You shall taste my water; 'tis a cordial, I can +assure you, and of my own making. + +_Scrub._ Yes, my lady makes very good water. + +_Lady B._ Drink it off, sir: [AIMWELL _drinks_.] And how d'ye find +yourself now, sir? + +_Aim._ Somewhat better----though very faint still. + +_Lady B._ Ay, ay, people are always faint after these fits. Come, +girls, you shall show the gentleman the house; 'tis but an old family +building, sir; but you had better walk about, and cool by degrees, +than venture immediately into the air----You'll find some tolerable +pictures--Dorinda, show the gentleman the way. I must go to the poor +woman below. [_Exit._ + +_Dor._ This way, sir. + +_Aim._ Ladies, shall I beg leave for my servant to wait on you, for he +understands pictures very well. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Sir, we understand originals, as well as he does pictures, +so he may come along. + + [_Exeunt_ DORINDA _and_ AIMWELL, MRS. SULLEN _and_ + ARCHER--SCRUB _sits down_. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ 'Save you, master Scrub. + +_Scrub._ Sir, I won't be saved your way----I hate a priest, I abhor the +French, and I defy the devil--Sir, I'm a bold Briton, and will spill the +last drop of my blood to keep out popery and slavery. + +_Foig._ Master Scrub, you would put me down in politics, and so I would +be speaking with Mrs. Gipsey. + +_Scrub._ Good Mr. Priest, you can't speak with her; she's sick, sir; +she's gone abroad, sir; she's--dead two months ago, sir. + + _Enter_ GIPSEY. + +_Gip._ How now, impudence! How dare you talk so saucily to the doctor? +Pray, sir, don't take it ill; for the common people of England are not +so civil to strangers, as---- + +_Scrub._ You lie, you lie:--'tis the common people, such as you are, +that are civilest to strangers. + +_Gip._ Sirrah, I have a good mind to--Get you out, I say! + +_Scrub._ I won't! + +_Gip._ You won't, sauce-box!--Pray, doctor, what is the captain's name +that came to your inn last night? + +_Scrub._ The captain! ah, the devil, there she hampers me again;--the +captain has me on one side, and the priest on t'other:--So between the +gown and the sword, I have a fine time on't. + +_Gip._ What, sirrah, won't you march? + +_Scrub._ No, my dear, I won't march--but I'll walk:--And I'll make bold +to listen a little too. [_Goes behind the Side Scene, and listens._ + +_Gip._ Indeed, doctor, the count has been barbarously treated, that's +the truth on't. + +_Foig._ Ah, Mrs. Gipsey, upon my shoul, now, gra, his complainings would +mollify the marrow in your bones, and move the bowels of your +commiseration; he veeps, and he dances, and he fistles, and he swears, +and he laughs, and he stamps, and he sings: in conclusion, joy, he's +afflicted, _à la François_, and a stranger, would not know whider to cry +or to laugh with him. + +_Gip._ What would you have me do, doctor? + +_Foig._ Nothing, joy, but only hide the count in Mrs. Sullen's closet, +when it is dark. + +_Gip._ Nothing! Is that nothing? it would be both a sin and a shame, +doctor. + +_Foig._ Here is twenty Louis d'ors, joy, for your shame; and I will give +you an absolution for the shin. + +_Gip._ But won't that money look like a bribe? + +_Foig._ Dat is according as you shall take it--If you receive the +money before hand, 'twill be _logicè_, a bribe; but if you stay till +afterwards, 'twill be only a gratification. + +_Gip._ Well, doctor, I'll take it _logicè_----But what must I do with my +conscience, sir? + +_Foig._ Leave dat wid me, joy; I am your priest, gra; and your conscience +is under my hands. + +_Gip._ But should I put the count into the closet-- + +_Foig._ Vell, is dere any shin for a man's being in a closhet? one may +go to prayers in a closhet. + +_Gip._ But if the lady should come into her chamber and go to bed? + +_Foig._ Vel, and is dere any shin in going to bed, joy? + +_Gip._ Ah, but if the parties should meet, doctor? + +_Foig._ Vel den----the parties must be responsible.--Do you begone after +putting the count in the closhet; and leave the shins wid themselves--I +will come with the count to instruct you in your chamber. + +_Gip._ Well, doctor, your religion is so pure, that I'm resolved to die +a martyr to't----Here's the key of the garden door; come in the back +way, when 'tis late--I'll be ready to receive you; but don't so much as +whisper, only take hold of my hand; I'll lead you, and do you lead the +count, and follow me. [_Exeunt._ + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +_Scrub._ What witchcraft now have these two imps of the devil been +a-hatching here?--There's twenty Louis d'ors! I heard that, and saw the +purse: but I must give room to my betters. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ AIMWELL, _leading_ DORINDA, _and making love in dumb + Show_; MRS. SULLEN, _and_ ARCHER. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, [_To_ ARCHER.] how d'ye like that piece? + +_Arch._ O, 'tis Leda--You find, madam, how Jupiter came disguised to +make love-- + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, what head is that in the corner, there? + +_Arch._ O, madam, 'tis poor Ovid in his exile. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What was he banished for? + +_Arch._ His ambitious love, madam. [_Bowing._] His misfortune touches +me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Was he successful in his amours? + +_Arch._ There he has left us in the dark--He was too much a gentleman to +tell. + +_Mrs. Sul._ If he were secret, I pity him. + +_Arch._ And if he were successful I envy him. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How d'ye like that Venus over the chimney? + +_Arch._ Venus! I protest, madam, I took it for your picture: but now I +look again, 'tis not handsome enough. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Oh, what a charm is flattery! if you would see my picture, +there it is, over that cabinet--How d'ye like it? + +_Arch._ I must admire any thing, madam, that has the least resemblance +of you----But methinks, madam,--[_He looks at the Picture and_ MRS. +SULLEN _Three or Four Times, by Turns_.] Pray, madam, who drew it? + +_Mrs. Sul._ A famous hand, sir. [_Exeunt_ AIMWELL _and_ DORINDA. + +_Arch._ A famous hand, madam! Your eyes, indeed, are featured there; but +where's the sparkling moisture, shining fluid, in which they swim? The +picture, indeed, has your dimples, but where's the swarm of killing +Cupids, that should ambush there? The lips too are figured out; but +where's the carnation dew, the pouting ripeness that tempts the taste in +the original? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Had it been my lot to have matched with such a man! [_Aside._ + +_Arch._ Your breasts too; presumptuous man! what! paint heaven! Apropos, +madam, in the very next picture is Salmoneus, that was struck dead with +lightning, for offering to imitate Jove's thunder; I hope you served the +painter so, madam. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Had my eyes the power of thunder, they should employ their +lightning better. + +_Arch._ There's the finest bed in that room, madam; I suppose 'tis your +ladyship's bedchamber? + +_Mrs. Sul._ And what then, sir? + +_Arch._ I think the quilt is the richest that ever I saw----I can't at +this distance, madam, distinguish the figures of the embroidery: will +you give me leave, madam? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The devil take his impudence--Sure, if I gave him an +opportunity, he durst not offer it--I have a great mind to try.--[_Going. +--Returns._] 'Sdeath, what am I doing?--And alone too;----Sister, sister! +[_Exit._ + +_Arch._ I'll follow her close---- + For where a Frenchman durst attempt to storm, + A Briton, sure may well the work perform. [_Going._ + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +_Scrub._ Martin, brother Martin! + +_Arch._ O brother Scrub, I beg your pardon, I was not a-going: here's a +guinea my master ordered you. + +_Scrub._ A guinea! hi, hi, hi, a guinea! eh----by this light it is a +guinea; but I suppose you expect one and twenty shillings in change. + +_Arch._ Not at all; I have another for Gipsey. + +_Scrub._ A guinea for her! Fire and faggot for the witch.----Sir, give +me that guinea, and I'll discover a plot. + +_Arch._ A plot? + +_Scrub._ Ay, sir, a plot, a horrid plot--First, it must be a plot, +because there's a woman in't: secondly, it must be a plot, because +there's a priest in't: thirdly, it must be a plot, because there's +French gold in't: and fourthly, it must be a plot, because I don't know +what to make on't. + +_Arch._ Nor any body else, I'm afraid, brother Scrub. + +_Scrub._ Truly I'm afraid so too; for where there's a priest and a +woman, there's always a mystery and a riddle--This, I know, that here +has been the doctor with a temptation in one hand, and an absolution in +the other, and Gipsey has sold herself to the devil; I saw the price +paid down, my eyes shall take their oath on't. + +_Arch._ And is all this bustle about Gipsey? + +_Scrub._ That's not all; I could hear but a word here and there; but I +remember they mentioned a count, a closet, a back door, and a key. + +_Arch._ The count! did you hear nothing of Mrs. Sullen? + +_Scrub._ I did hear some word that sounded that way: but whether it was +Sullen or Dorinda I could not distinguish. + +_Arch._ You have told this matter to nobody, brother? + +_Scrub._ Told! no, sir, I thank you for that; I'm resolved never to +speak one word, _pro_ nor _con_, till we have a peace. + +_Arch._ You are i'the right, brother Scrub; here's a treaty a-foot +between the count and the lady.--The priest and the chambermaid are +plenipotentiaries----It shall go hard, but I'll find a way to be +included in the treaty. Where's the doctor now? + +_Scrub._ He and Gipsey are this moment devouring my lady's marmalade in +the closet. + +_Aim._ [_From without._] Martin, Martin! + +_Arch._ I come, sir, I come. + +_Scrub._ But you forget the other guinea, brother Martin. + +_Arch._ Here, I give it with all my heart. [_Exit_ ARCHER. + +_Scrub._ And I take it with all my soul. I'cod, I'll spoil your +plotting, Mrs. Gipsey; and if you should set the captain upon me, these +two guineas will buy me off. [_Exit_ SCRUB. + + _Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA, _meeting_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well, sister. + +_Dor._ And well, sister. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What's become of my lord? + +_Dor._ What's become of his servant? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Servant! he's a prettier fellow and a finer gentleman by +fifty degrees than his master. + +_Dor._ O' my conscience, I fancy you could beg that fellow at the +gallows' foot. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O' my conscience, I could, provided I could put a friend of +yours in his room. + +_Dor._ You desired me, sister, to leave you, when you transgressed the +bounds of honour. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Thou dear censorious country girl--What dost mean? You can't +think of the man without the bedfellow, I find. + +_Dor._ I don't find any thing unnatural in that thought. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How a little love and conversation improve a woman! Why, +child, you begin to live--you never spoke before. + +_Dor._ Because I was never spoke to before: my lord has told me, that I +have more wit and beauty than any of my sex; and truly I begin to think +the man is sincere. + +_Mrs. Sul._ You are in the right, Dorinda; pride is the life of a woman, +and flattery is our daily bread--But I'll lay you a guinea that I had +finer things said to me than you had. + +_Dor._ Done----What did your fellow say to ye? + +_Mrs. Sul._ My fellow took the picture of Venus for mine. + +_Dor._ But my lover took me for Venus herself. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Common cant! had my spark called me a Venus directly, I +should have believed him a footman in good earnest. + +_Dor._ But my lover was upon his knees to me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And mine was upon his tiptoes to me. + +_Dor._ Mine vowed to die for me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Mine swore to die with me. + +_Dor._ Mine kissed my hand ten thousand times. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Mine has all that pleasure to come. + +_Dor._ Mine spoke the softest moving things. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Ay, ay, mine had his moving things too. + +_Dor._ Mine offered marriage. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O lard! d'ye call that a moving thing? + +_Dor._ The sharpest arrow in his quiver, my dear sister; Why, my twenty +thousand pounds may lie brooding here this seven years, and hatch +nothing at last but some illnatured clown, like yours;--Whereas, if I +marry my Lord Aimwell, there will be title, place, and precedence, the +park, the play, and the drawing-room, splendour, equipage, noise, and +flambeaux--Hey, my Lady Aimwell's servants there--lights, lights to the +stairs--My Lady Aimwell's coach, put forward--stand by; make room for +her ladyship----Are not these things moving? What! melancholy of a +sudden? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Happy, happy sister! your angel has been watchful for your +happiness, whilst mine has slept, regardless of his charge----Long +smiling years of circling joys for you, but not one hour for me! [_Weeps._ + +_Dor._ Come, my dear, we'll talk of something else. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O, Dorinda, I own myself a woman, full of my sex, a gentle, +generous soul--easy and yielding to soft desires; a spacious heart, +where love and all his train might lodge; and must the fair apartment +of my breast be made a stable for a brute to lie in? + +_Dor._ Meaning your husband, I suppose. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Husband!--Even husband is too soft a name for him.--But, +come, I expect my brother here to-night or to-morrow; he was abroad when +my father married me: perhaps he'll find a way to make me easy. + +_Dor._ Will you promise not to make yourself uneasy in the mean time +with my lord's friend? + +_Mrs. Sul._ You mistake me, sister--It happens with us as among the men, +the greatest talkers are the greatest cowards; and there's a reason for +it; those spirits evaporate in prattle, which might do more mischief +if they took another course----Though, to confess the truth, I do love +that fellow;--and if I met him dressed as he should be,----Lookye, +sister, I have no supernatural gifts;----I can't swear I could resist +the temptation----though I can safely promise to avoid it; and that's as +much as the best of us can do. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_The Inn._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ ARCHER _laughing_. + + +_Arch._ And the awkward kindness of the good motherly old gentlewoman---- + +_Aim._ And the coming easiness of the young one--'Sdeath, 'tis pity to +deceive her. + +_Arch._ Nay, if you adhere to those principles, stop where you are. + +_Aim._ I can't stop; for I love her to distraction. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath, if you love her a hair's breadth beyond discretion, you +must go no farther. + +_Aim._ Well, well, any thing to deliver us from sauntering away our idle +evenings at White's, Tom's, or Will's--But now---- + +_Arch._ Ay, now is the time to prevent all this--Strike while the iron +is hot--The priest is the luckiest part of our adventure; he shall marry +you, and pimp for me. But here comes the doctor; I shall be ready. +[_Exit._ + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ Shave you, noble friend. + +_Aim._ O sir, your servant; Pray, doctor, may I crave your name? + +_Foig._ Fat naam is upon me? My naam is Foigard, joy. + +_Aim._ Foigard! a very good name for a clergyman; Pray, Doctor Foigard, +were you ever in Ireland? + +_Foig._ Ireland! No, joy:--Fat sort of plaace is dat shame Ireland? Dey +say de people are catched dere when dey are young. + +_Aim._ And some of them here, when they are old;--as for example--[_Takes_ +FOIGARD _by the Shoulder_.] Sir, I arrest you as a traitor against the +government; you are a subject of England, and this morning showed me a +commission, by which you served as chaplain in the French army: This is +death by our law, and your reverence must hang for't. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, noble friend, dis is strange news you tell me, +Fader Foigard a subject of England--de son of a Burgomaster of Brussels +a subject of England, Ubooboo-- + +_Aim._ The son of a bog trotter in Ireland: sir, your tongue will +condemn you before any bench in the kingdom. + +_Foig._ And is my tongue all your evidensh, joy? + +_Aim._ That's enough. + +_Foig._ No, no, joy, for I will never spaake de English no more. + +_Aim._ Sir, I have other evidence.--Here, Martin, you know this fellow. + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Aim._ [_In a Brogue._] Shave you, my dear cussen, how does your health? + +_Foig._ Ah! upon my shoul dere is my countryman and his brogue will hang +mine. [_Aside._] _Mynhere, ick wet neat wat hey zacht, ick univirston +ewe, neat, sacrament._ + +_Aim._ Altering your language won't do, sir, this fellow knows your +person, and will swear to your face. + +_Foig._ Faash! fey, is dere brogue upon my faash too? + +_Arch._ Upon my shalvation dere ish, joy,----But, Cussen Mackshane, vill +you not put a remembrance upon me? + +_Foig._ Mackshane! by St. Patrick, dat is my naam shure enough. [_Aside._ + +_Aim._ I fancy, Archer, you have it. + +_Foig._ The devil hang you, joy----By fat acquaintance are you my +cussen? + +_Arch._ O, de devil hang your shelf, joy; you know we were little boys +togeder upon de school, and your foster moder's son was married upon my +nurse's chister, joy, and so we are Irish cussens. + +_Foig._ De devil taake de relation! Vel, joy, and fat school was it? + +_Arch._ I think it vas--aay--'Twas Tipperary. + +_Foig._ Now, upon my shoul, joy, it was Kilkenny. + +_Aim._ That's enough for us--self confession--Come, sir, we must deliver +you into the hands of the next magistrate. + +_Arch._ He sends you to gaol, you are tried next assizes, and away you +go swing into purgatory. + +_Foig._ And is it sho wid you cussen? + +_Arch._ It will be sho wid you, cussen, if you don't immediately confess +the secret between you and Mrs. Gipsey--Lookye, sir, the gallows or the +secret, take your choice. + +_Foig._ The gallows! upon my shoul I hate that shame gallows, for it +is a diseash dat is fatal to our family.--Vel den, there is nothing, +shentlemens, but Mrs. Sullen would spaak wid the count in her chamber +at midnight, and dere is no harm, joy, for I am to conduct the count to +the plaash myself. + +_Arch._ As I guessed.----Have you communicated the matter to the count? + +_Foig._ I have not sheen him since. + +_Arch._ Right again; why then, doctor;--you shall conduct me to the lady +instead of the count. + +_Foig._ Fat, my cussen to the lady! upon my shoul, gra, dat's too much +upon the brogue. + +_Arch._ Come, come, doctor, consider we have got a rope about your neck, +and if you offer to squeak, we'll stop your windpipe, most certainly; we +shall have another job for you in a day or two, I hope. + +_Aim._ Here's company coming this way; let's into my chamber, and there +concert our affairs further. + +_Arch._ Come, my dear cussen, come along. + +_Foig._ Arra, the devil taake our relashion. [_Exeunt._ + + _Enter_ BONIFACE, HOUNSLOW, _and_ BAGSHOT, _at one Door_, + GIBBET _at the opposite_. + +_Gib._ Well, gentlemen, 'tis a fine night for our enterprize. + +_Houns._ Dark as hell. + +_Bag._ And blows like the devil: our landlord here has shown us the +window where we must break in, and tells us the plate stands in the +wainscot cupboard in the parlour. + +_Bon._ Ay, ay, Mr. Bagshot, as the saying is, knives and forks, cups and +cans, tumblers and tankards.--There's one tankard, as the saying is, +that's near upon as big as me: it was a present to the 'squire from his +godmother, and smells of nutmeg and toast, like an East India ship. + +_Houns._ Then you say we must divide at the stair-head. + +_Bon._ Yes, Mr. Hounslow, as the saying is----at one end of the gallery +lies my Lady Bountiful and her daughter, and at the other, Mrs. +Sullen--as for the 'squire.---- + +_Gib._ He's safe enough; I have fairly entered him, and he's more than +half seas over already--But such a parcel of scoundrels are got about +him there, that, egad, I was ashamed to be seen in their company. + +_Bon._ 'Tis now twelve, as the saying is--gentlemen, you must set out at +one. + +_Gib._ Hounslow, do you and Bagshot see our arms fixed, and I'll come to +you presently. + +_Houns. and Bag._ We will. [_Exeunt_ HOUNSLOW _and_ BAGSHOT. + +_Gib._ Well, my dear Bonny, you assure me that Scrub is a coward. + +_Bon._ A chicken, as the saying is--you'll have no creature to deal with +but the ladies. + +_Gib._ And I can assure you, friend, there's a great deal of address +and good manners in robbing a lady: I am the most a gentleman that way +that ever travelled the road.--But, my dear Bonny, this prize will be a +galleon, a Vigo business----I warrant you, we shall bring off three or +four thousand pounds. + +_Bon._ In plate, jewels, and money, as the saying is, you may. + +_Gib._ Why, then, Tyburn, I defy thee: I'll get up to town, sell off my +horse and arms, buy myself some pretty employment in the law, and be as +snug and as honest as e'er a long gown of them all. + +_Bon._ And what think you, then, of my daughter Cherry for a wife? + +_Gib._ Lookye, my dear Bonny, _Cherry is the goddess I adore_, as the +song goes; but it is a maxim, that man and wife should never have it in +their power to hang one another; for, if they should, the Lord have +mercy upon them both. [_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + +_The Inn._ + +_Knocking without._ + +_Enter_ BONIFACE. + + +_Bon._ Coming, coming--a coach and six foaming horses at this time +o'night! some great man, as the saying is, for he scorns to travel with +other people. + + _Enter_ SIR CHARLES FREEMAN. + +_Sir C._ What, fellow! a public house, and abed when other people sleep? + +_Bon._ Sir, I an't abed, as the saying is. + +_Sir C._ I see that, as the saying is! Is Mr. Sullen's family abed, +think ye? + +_Bon._ All but the 'squire himself, sir, as the saying is; he's in the +house. + +_Sir C._ What company has he? + +_Bon._ Why, sir, there's the constable, Mr. Gage, the exciseman, the +hunch-backed barber, and two or three other gentlemen. + +_Sir C._ I find my sister's letters gave me the true picture of her +spouse. + + _Enter_ SULLEN, _drunk_. + +_Bon._ Sir, here's the 'squire. + +_Sul._ The puppies left me asleep----sir. + +_Sir C._ Well, sir. + +_Sul._ Sir, I am an unfortunate man--I have three thousand pounds a +year, and I can't get a man to drink a cup of ale with me. + +_Sir C._ That's very hard. + +_Sul._ Ay, sir,--and unless you have pity upon me, and smoke one pipe +with me, I must e'en go home to my wife, and I had rather go to the +devil by half. + +_Sir C._ But I presume, sir, you won't see your wife to-night, she'll be +gone to bed----you don't use to lie with your wife in that pickle. + +_Sul._ What! not lie with my wife! Why, sir, do you take me for an +atheist, or a rake? + +_Sir C._ If you hate her, sir, I think you had better lie from her. + +_Sul._ I think so too, friend----but I am a justice of peace, and must +do nothing against the law. + +_Sir C._ Law! as I take it, Mr. Justice, nobody observes law for law's +sake, only for the good of those for whom it was made. + +_Sul._ But if the law orders me to send you to gaol, you must lie there, +my friend. + +_Sir C._ Not unless I commit a crime to deserve it. + +_Sul._ A crime! oons, an't I married? + +_Sir C._ Nay, sir, if you call marriage a crime, you must disown it for +a law. + +_Sul._ Eh!--I must be acquainted with you, sir,--but, sir, I should be +very glad to know the truth of this matter. + +_Sir C._ Truth, sir, is a profound sea, and few there be that dare wade +deep enough to find out the bottom on't. Besides, sir, I am afraid the +line of your understanding mayn't be long enough. + +_Sul._ Lookye, sir, I have nothing to say to your sea of truth; but if a +good parcel of land can entitle a man to a little truth, I have as much +as any he in the county. + +_Bon._ I never heard your worship, as the saying is, talk so much +before. + +_Sul._ Because I never met with a man that I liked before. + +_Bon._ Pray, sir, as the saying is, let me ask you one question: are not +man and wife one flesh? + +_Sir C._ You and your wife, Mr. Guts, may be one flesh, because you are +nothing else----but rational creatures have minds that must be united. + +_Sul._ Minds! + +_Sir C._ Ay, minds, sir; don't you think that the mind takes place of +the body? + +_Sul._ In some people. + +_Sir C._ Then the interest of the master must be consulted before that +of his servant. + +_Sul._ Sir, you shall dine with me to-morrow----Oons, I always thought +that we were naturally one. + +_Sir C._ Sir, I know that my two hands are naturally one, because they +love one another, kiss one another, help one another in all the actions +of life; but I could not say so much if they were always at cuffs. + +_Sul._ Then 'tis plain that we are two. + +_Sir C._ Why don't you part with her, sir? + +_Sul._ Will you take her, sir? + +_Sir C._ With all my heart. + +_Sul._ You shall have her to-morrow morning, and a venison pasty into +the bargain. + +_Sir C._ You'll let me have her fortune too? + +_Sul._ Fortune! why, sir, I have no quarrel to her fortune----I only +hate the woman, sir, and none but the woman shall go. + +_Sir C._ But her fortune, sir---- + +_Sul._ Can you play at whist, sir? + +_Sir C._ No, truly, sir. + +_Sul._ Not at all-fours? + +_Sir C._ Neither. + +_Sul._ Oons! where was this man bred? [_Aside._] Burn me, sir, I can't +go home; 'tis but two o'clock. + +_Sir C._ For half an hour, sir, if you please--but you must consider +'tis late. + +_Sul._ Late! that is the reason I can't go to bed--Come, +sir----[_Exeunt._ + + _Enter_ CHERRY; _she runs across the Stage, and knocks at_ + AIMWELL'S _Chamber Door_. _Enter_ AIMWELL. + +_Aim._ What's the matter? you tremble, child; you are frighted! + +_Cher._ No wonder, sir--but, in short, sir, this very minute a gang of +rogues are gone to rob my Lady Bountiful's house. + +_Aim._ How! + +_Cher._ I dogged them to the very door, and left them breaking in. + +_Aim._ Have you alarmed any body else with the news? + +_Cher._ No, no, sir; I wanted to have discovered the whole plot, and +twenty other things, to your man, Martin; but I have searched the whole +house, and can't find him; where is he? + +_Aim._ No matter, child; will you guide me immediately to the house? + +_Cher._ With all my heart, sir: my Lady Bountiful is my godmother, and I +love Mrs. Dorinda so well-- + +_Aim._ Dorinda! the name inspires me! the glory and the danger shall be +all my own----Come, my life, let me but get my sword. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_A Bedchamber in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA _discovered; a Table and Lights_. + + +_Dor._ 'Tis very late, sister; no news of your spouse yet? + +_Mrs. Sul._ No; I'm condemned to be alone till towards four, and then, +perhaps, I may be executed with his company. + +_Dor._ Well, my dear, I'll leave you to your rest; you'll go directly to +bed, I suppose. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I don't know what to do; heigho! + +_Dor._ That's a desiring sigh, sister. + +_Mrs. Sul._ This is a languishing hour, sister. + +_Dor._ And might prove a critical minute, if the pretty fellow were +here. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Here? what, in my bedchamber, at two o'clock i'th' morning, +I undressed, the family asleep, my hated husband abroad, and my lovely +fellow at my feet!----O, gad, sister! + +_Dor._ Thoughts are free, sister, and them I allow you--So, my dear, +good night. [_Exit._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ A good rest to my dear Dorinda----Thoughts free! are they +so? why, then, suppose him here, dressed like a youthful, gay, and +burning bridegroom, [ARCHER _steals out of the Closet_.] with tongue +enchanting, eyes bewitching, knees imploring [_Turns a little on one +Side, and sees_ ARCHER _in the Posture she describes_.]--Ah! [_Shrieks, +and runs to the other Side of the Stage._]. Have my thoughts raised a +spirit? What are you, sir? a man, or a devil? + +_Arch._ A man, a man, madam. [_Rising._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ How shall I be sure of it? + +_Arch._ Madam, I'll give you demonstration this minute. [_Takes her +Hand._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ What, sir! do you intend to be rude? + +_Arch._ Yes, madam, if you please. + +_Mrs. Sul._ In the name of wonder, whence came ye? + +_Arch._ From the skies, madam--I'm a Jupiter in love, and you shall be +my Alcmena. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How came you in? + +_Arch._ I flew in at the window, madam; your cousin Cupid lent me his +wings, and your sister Venus opened the casement. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I'm struck dumb with admiration. + +_Arch._ And I with wonder. [_Looks passionately at her._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ What will become of me? + +_Arch._ How beautiful she looks!----the teeming jolly spring smiles in +her blooming face, and when she was conceived, her mother smelt to +roses, looked on lilies---- + + Lilies unfold their white, their fragrant charms, + When the warm sun thus darts into their arms. [_Runs to her._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Ah! [_Shrieks._ + +_Arch._ Oons, madam, what do you mean? you'll raise the house. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Sir, I'll wake the dead, before I bear this. What! approach +me with the freedoms of a keeper! I'm glad on't; your impudence has +cured me. + +_Arch._ If this be impudence, [_Kneels._] I leave to your partial self; +no panting pilgrim, after a tedious, painful, voyage, e'er bowed before +his saint with more devotion. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Now, now, I'm ruined if he kneels. [_Aside._] Rise, thou +prostrate engineer; not all thy undermining skill shall reach my heart. +Rise, and know that I am a woman, without my sex; I can love to all the +tenderness of wishes, sighs, and tears--But go no farther--Still, to +convince you that I'm more than woman, I can speak my frailty, confess +my weakness even for----But---- + +_Arch._ For me! [_Going to lay hold on her._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Hold, sir; build not upon that--for my most mortal hatred +follows, if you disobey what I command you now--leave me this +minute--If he denies, I'm lost. [_Aside._ + +_Arch._ Then you'll promise---- + +_Mrs. Sul._ Any thing another time. + +_Arch._ When shall I come? + +_Mrs. Sul._ To-morrow--when you will. + +_Arch._ Your lips must seal the promise. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pshaw! + +_Arch._ They must, they must. [_Kisses her._] Raptures and paradise! and +why not now, my angel? The time, the place, silence, and secrecy, all +conspire--And the now conscious stars have pre-ordained this moment for +my happiness. [_Takes her in his Arms._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ You will not, cannot, sure. + +_Arch._ If the sun rides fast, and disappoints not mortals of +to-morrow's dawn, this night shall crown my joys. + +_Mrs. Sul._ My sex's pride assist me. + +_Arch._ My sex's strength help me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ You shall kill me first. + +_Arch._ I'll die with you. [_Carrying her off._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Thieves! thieves! murder!---- + + _Enter_ SCRUB, _in his Breeches, and one Shoe_. + +_Scrub._ Thieves! thieves! murder! popery! + +_Arch._ Ha! [_Draws, and offers to stab_ SCRUB. + + [Illustration: BEAUX STRATAGEM + SCRUB: O PRAY SIR SPARE ALL I HAVE AND TAKE MY LIFE. + ACT V SCENE III] + +_Scrub._ [_Kneeling._] O pray, sir, spare all I have, and take my life. + +_Mrs. Sul._ [_Holding_ ARCHER'S _Hand_.] What does the fellow mean? + +_Scrub._ O, madam, down upon your knees, your marrowbones----he's one of +them. + +_Arch._ Of whom? + +_Scrub._ One of the rogues----I beg your pardon, one of the honest +gentlemen, that just now are broke into the house. + +_Arch._ How! + +_Mrs. Sul._ I hope you did not come to rob me? + +_Arch._ Indeed I did, madam, but I would have taken nothing but what you +might very well have spared; but your crying, Thieves, has waked this +dreaming fool, and so he takes them for granted. + +_Scrub._ Granted! 'tis granted, sir; take all we have. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The fellow looks as if he were broke out of Bedlam. + +_Scrub._ Oons, madam, they're broke into the house with fire and sword; +I saw them, heard them, they'll be here this minute. + +_Arch._ What! thieves! + +_Scrub._ Under favour, sir, I think so. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What shall we do, sir? + +_Arch._ Madam, I wish your ladyship a good night. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Will you leave me? + +_Arch._ Leave you! lord, madam, did not you command me to begone just +now, upon pain of your immortal hatred. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Nay, but pray, sir---- [_Takes hold of him._ + +_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha! now comes my turn to be ravished--You see now, +madam, you must use men one way or other; but take this by the way, good +madam, that none but a fool will give you the benefit of his courage, +unless you'll take his love along with it--How are they armed, friend? + +_Scrub._ With sword and pistol, sir. [_He gets under the Table._ + +_Arch._ Hush!----I see a dark lanthorn coming through the +gallery----Madam, be assured I will protect you, or lose my life. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Your life! no, sir, they can rob me of nothing that I value +half so much; therefore now, sir, let me entreat you to begone. + +_Arch._ No, madam, I'll consult my own safety, for the sake of yours; +I'll work by stratagem: have you courage enough to stand the appearance +of them? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Yes, yes; since I have escaped your hands, I can face any +thing. + +_Arch._ Come hither, brother Scrub; don't you know me? + +_Scrub._ Eh! my dear brother, let me kiss thee! [_Kisses_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ This way----Here---- [ARCHER _and_ SCRUB _hide_. + + + _Enter_ GIBBET, _with a dark Lanthorn in one Hand, and a + Pistol in the other_. + +_Gib._ Ay, ay, this is the chamber, and the lady alone. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Who are you, sir? What would you have? D'ye come to rob me? + +_Gib._ Rob you! alack a day, madam, I'm only a younger brother, madam; +and so, madam, if you make a noise, I'll shoot you through the head: but +don't be afraid, madam. [_Laying his Lanthorn and Pistol upon the +Table._] These rings, madam; don't be concerned, madam; I have a +profound respect for you, madam; your keys, madam; don't be frighted, +madam; I'm the most of a gentleman. [_Searching her Pockets._] This +necklace, madam; I never was rude to any lady! I have a veneration--for +this necklace. + + [_Here_ ARCHER, _having come round, and seized the Pistol, + takes_ GIBBET _by the Collar, trips up his Heels, and claps + the Pistol to his Breast_. + +_Arch._ Hold, profane villain, and take the reward of thy sacrilege. + +_Gib._ Oh! pray, sir, don't kill me; I an't prepared. + +_Arch._ How many is there of them, Scrub? + +_Scrub._ Five and forty, sir. + +_Arch._ Then I must kill the villain, to have him out of the way. + +_Gib._ Hold! hold! sir; we are but three, upon my honour. + +_Arch._ Scrub, will you undertake to secure him? + +_Scrub._ Not I, sir; kill him, kill him! + +_Arch._ Run to Gipsey's chamber; there you'll find the doctor; bring him +hither presently. [_Exit_ SCRUB, _running_.] Come, rogue, if you have a +short prayer, say it. + +_Gib._ Sir, I have no prayer at all; the government has provided a +chaplain to say prayers for us on these occasions. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, don't kill him: You fright me as much as him. + +_Arch._ The dog shall die, madam, for being the occasion of my +disappointment.--Sirrah, this moment is your last. + +_Gib._ Sir, I'll give you two hundred pounds to spare my life. + +_Arch._ Have you no more, rascal? + +_Gib._ Yes, sir, I can command four hundred; but I must reserve two of +them to save my life at the sessions. + + _Enter_ SCRUB _and_ FOIGARD. + +_Arch._ Here, doctor: I suppose Scrub and you, between you, may manage +him:----Lay hold of him. [FOIGARD _lays hold of_ GIBBET. + +_Gib._ What! turned over to the priest already----Lookye, doctor, you +come before your time; I an't condemned yet, I thank ye. + +_Foig._ Come, my dear joy, I vil secure your body and your shoul too; I +will make you a good catholic, and give you an absolution. + +_Gib._ Absolution! Can you procure me a pardon, doctor? + +_Foig._ No, joy.---- + +_Gib._ Then you and your absolution may go to the devil. + +_Arch._ Convey him into the cellar, there bind him:--Take the pistol, +and if he offers to resist, shoot him through the head,--and come back +to us with all the speed you can. + +_Scrub._ Ay, ay; come, doctor, do you hold him fast, and I'll guard him. +[_Exeunt_ SCRUB, GIBBET, _and_ FOIGARD. + +_Mrs. Sul._ But how came the doctor? + +_Arch._ In short, madam----[_Shrieking without._] 'Sdeath! the rogues +are at work with the other ladies:--I'm vexed I parted with the pistol; +but I must fly to their assistance--Will you stay here, madam, or +venture yourself with me? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Oh, with you, dear sir, with you. [_Takes him by the Arm, +and exeunt._ + + +SCENE III. + +_Another Apartment._ + +_Enter_ HOUNSLOW _and_ BAGSHOT, _with Swords drawn, dragging in_ LADY +BOUNTIFUL _and_ DORINDA. + + +_Houns._ Come, come, your jewels, mistress. + +_Bag._ Your keys, your keys, old gentlewoman. + + _Enter_ AIMWELL. + +_Aim._ Turn this way, villains; I durst engage an army in such a cause. +[_He engages them both._ + + _Enter_ ARCHER _and_ MRS. SULLEN. + +_Arch._ Hold! hold! my lord; every man his bird, pray. + + [_They engage Man to Man; the Rogues are thrown down, and + disarmed._ + +_Arch._ Shall we kill the rogues? + +_Aim._ No, no; we'll bind them. + +_Arch._ Ay, ay; here, madam, lend me your garter. [_To_ MRS. SULLEN, +_who stands by him_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The devil's in this fellow; he fights, loves, and banters +all in a breath: here's a rope, that the rogues brought with them, I +suppose. + +_Arch._ Right, right, the rogue's destiny, a rope to hang +himself----Come, my lord,----this is but a scandalous sort of an office, +[_Binding the_ ROGUES _together_.] if our adventure should end in this +sort of hangmanwork; but I hope there is something in prospect that-- + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +Well, Scrub, have you secured your Tartar? + +_Scrub._ Yes, sir, I left the priest and him disputing about religion. + +_Aim._ And pray carry these gentlemen to reap the benefit of the +controversy. [_Delivers the_ PRISONERS _to_ SCRUB, _who leads them out_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sister, how came my lord here? + +_Dor._ And pray, how came the gentleman here? + +_Mrs. Sul._ I'll tell you the greatest piece of villainy--[_They talk in +dumb Show._ + +_Aim._ I fancy, Archer, you have been more successful in your adventure +than the housebreakers. + +_Arch._ No matter for my adventure, yours is the principal----Press +her this minute to marry you,--now while she's hurried between the +palpitation of her fear, and the joy of her deliverance, now while the +tide of her spirits are at high-flood:----throw yourself at her feet, +speak some romantic nonsense or other;--confound her senses, bear down +her reason, and away with her:--The priest is now in the cellar, and +dare not refuse to do the work. + +_Aim._ But how shall I get off without being observed? + +_Arch._ You a lover, and not find a way to get off!--Let me see. + +_Aim._ You bleed, Archer. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath, I'm glad on't; this wound will do the business--I'll +amuse the old lady and Mrs. Sullen about dressing my wound, while you +carry off Dorinda. + +_Lady B._ Gentlemen, could we understand how you would be gratified for +the services---- + +_Arch._ Come, come, my lady, this is no time for compliments; I'm +wounded, madam. + +_Lady B. and Mrs. Sul._ How! wounded! + +_Dor._ I hope, sir, you have received no hurt? + +_Aim._ None but what you may cure---- [_Makes love in dumb Show._ + +_Lady B._ Let me see your arm, sir--I must have some powder sugar, to +stop the blood----O me! an ugly gash; upon my word, sir, you must go +into bed. + +_Arch._ Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well----Madam, [_To_ MRS. +SULLEN.] will you do me the favour to conduct me to a chamber? + +_Lady B._ Do, do, daughter,----while I get the lint, and the probe, and +plaister ready. [_Runs out one Way_; AIMWELL _carries off_ DORINDA +_another_. + +_Arch._ Come, madam, why don't you obey your mother's commands? + +_Mrs. Sul._ How can you, after what is past, have the confidence to ask +me? + +_Arch._ And if you go to that, how can you, after what is past, have +the confidence to deny me?----Was not this blood shed in your defence, +and my life exposed for your protection?--Lookye, madam, I'm none of +your romantic fools, that fight giants and monsters for nothing; my +valour is downright Swiss; I am a soldier of fortune, and must be paid. + +_Mrs. Sul._ 'Tis ungenerous in you, sir, to upbraid me with your +services. + +_Arch._ 'Tis ungenerous in you, madam, not to reward them. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How! at the expense of my honour! + +_Arch._ Honour! Can honour consist with ingratitude? If you would deal +like a woman of honour, do like a man of honour: d'ye think I would deny +you in such a case? + + _Enter_ GIPSEY. + +_Gip._ Madam, my lady ordered me to tell you, that your brother is below +at the gate. + +_Mrs. Sul._ My brother! Heavens be praised:--Sir, he shall thank you for +your services; he has it in his power. + +_Arch._ Who is your brother, madam? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Sir Charles Freeman:----You'll excuse me, sir; I must go and +receive him. [_Exit._ + +_Arch._ Sir Charles Freeman! 'Sdeath and hell!----My old acquaintance. +Now, unless Aimwell has made good use of his time, all our fair machine +goes souse into the sea, like an Eddistone. [_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. + +_The Gallery in the same House._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ DORINDA. + + +_Dor._ Well, well, my lord, you have conquered:--your late generous +action will, I hope, plead for my easy yielding; though, I must own, +your lordship had a friend in the fort before. + +_Aim._ The sweets of Hybla dwell upon her tongue--Here, doctor!---- + + _Enter_ FOIGARD, _with a Book_. + +_Foig._ Are you prepared bote? + +_Dor._ I'm ready. But first, my lord, one word--I have a frightful +example of a hasty marriage in my own family; when I reflect upon't, it +shocks me.--Pray, my lord, consider a little---- + +_Aim._ Consider! Do you doubt my honour, or my love? + +_Dor._ Neither--I do believe you equally just as brave; and were your +whole sex drawn out for me to chuse, I should not cast a look upon the +multitude, if you were absent.--But, my lord, I'm a woman; colours, +concealments, may hide a thousand faults in me--therefore, know me +better first; I hardly dare affirm, I know myself in any thing, except +my love. + +_Aim._ Such goodness who could injure! I find myself unequal to the task +of villain; she has gained my soul, and made it honest like her own--I +cannot hurt her. [_Aside._] Doctor, retire. [_Exit_ FOIGARD.] Madam, +behold your lover, and your proselyte, and judge of my passion by my +conversion.--I'm all a lie, nor dare I give a fiction to your arms;--I +am all a counterfeit, except my passion. + +_Dor._ Forbid it, Heaven!--A counterfeit! + +_Aim._ I am no lord, but a poor, needy man, come with a mean, a +scandalous design, to prey upon your fortune:--But the beauties of your +mind and person, have so won me from myself, that, like a trusty +servant, I prefer the interest of my mistress to my own. + +_Dor._ Pray, sir, who are you? + +_Aim._ Brother to the man, whose title I usurped, but stranger to his +honour or his fortune. + +_Dor._ Matchless honesty!--Once I was proud, sir, of your wealth and +title, but now am prouder that you want it: now I can show, that my love +was justly levelled, and had no aim but love.--Doctor, come in. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD, _at one Door_, GIPSEY _at another, who + whispers_ DORINDA. + +Your pardon, sir; we shan't want you now, sir. You must excuse me--I'll +wait on you presently. [_Exit with_ GIPSEY. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, now, dis is foolish. [_Exit._ + +_Aim._ Gone! and bid the priest depart--It has an ominous look! + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ Courage, Tom----Shall I wish you joy? + +_Aim._ No. + +_Arch._ Oons, man! what ha' you been doing? + +_Aim._ O Archer, my honesty, I fear, has ruined me. + +_Arch._ How! + +_Aim._ I have discovered myself. + +_Arch._ Discovered! and without my consent?--What! have I embarked my +small remains in the same bottom with yours, and you dispose of all +without my partnership? + +_Aim._ O, Archer, I own my fault. + +_Arch._ After conviction--'tis then too late for pardon.--You may +remember, Mr. Aimwell, that you proposed this folly--As you begun, so +end it--Henceforth, I'll hunt my fortune single--so farewell. + +_Aim._ Stay, my dear Archer, but a minute. + +_Arch._ Stay! What, to be despised, exposed, and laughed at?--No, I +would sooner change conditions with the worst of the rogues we just now +bound, than bear one scornful smile from the proud knight, that once I +treated as my equal. + +_Aim._ What knight? + +_Arch._ Sir Charles Freeman, brother to the lady that I had almost----But, +no matter for that, 'tis a cursed night's work, and so I leave you to +make the best on't. + +_Aim._ Freeman!--One word, Archer--Still I have hopes; methought, she +received my confession with pleasure. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath! who doubts it? + +_Aim._ She consented after to the match; and still I dare believe she +will be just. + +_Arch._ To herself, I warrant her; as you should have been. + +_Aim._ By all my hopes, she comes! and smiling comes. + + _Enter_ DORINDA, _gaily_. + +_Dor._ Come, my dear lord, I fly with impatience to your arms.--The +minutes of my absence was a tedious year.--Where's this priest? + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Arch._ Oons! a brave girl! + +_Dor._ I suppose, my lord, this gentleman is privy to our affairs? + +_Arch._ Yes, yes, madam, I'm to be your father. + +_Dor._ Come, priest, do your office. + +_Arch._ Make haste, make haste! couple them any way. [_Takes_ AIMWELL'S +_Hand_.] Come, madam, I'm to give you---- + +_Dor._ My mind's altered--I won't. + +_Arch._ Eh! + +_Aim._ I'm confounded! + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, and so is myshelf! + +_Arch._ What's the matter now, madam? + +_Dor._ Lookye, sir, one generous action deserves another.--This +gentleman's honour obliged him to hide nothing from me; my justice +engages me to conceal nothing from him. In short, sir, you are the +person that you thought you counterfeited; you are the true Lord +Viscount Aimwell, and I wish your lordship joy.--Now, priest, you may +begone;--if my lord is now pleased with the match, let his lordship +marry me in the face of the world. + +_Aim._ Archer, what does she mean? + +_Dor._ Here's a witness for my truth. + + _Enter_ SIR CHARLES, _and_ MRS. SULLEN. + +_Sir C._ My dear Lord Aimwell, I wish you joy! + +_Aim._ Of what? + +_Sir C._ Of your honour and estate. Your brother died the day before I +left London; and all your friends have writ after you to Brussels: among +the rest, I did myself the honour. + +_Arch._ Harkye, sir knight, don't you banter now? + +_Sir C._ 'Tis truth, upon my honour. + +_Aim._ Thanks to the pregnant stars, that formed this accident. + +_Arch._ Thanks to the womb of time, that brought it forth--away with +it. + +_Aim._ Thanks to my guardian angel, that led me to the prize. [_Taking_ +DORINDA'S _Hand_. + +_Arch._ And double thanks to the noble Sir Charles Freeman.--My lord, I +wish you joy. My lady, I wish you joy.--Egad, Sir Charles, you're the +honestest fellow living.--'Sdeath! I'm grown strangely airy upon this +matter.----My lord, how d'ye?----A word, my lord: Don't you remember +something of a previous agreement, that entitles me to the moiety of +this lady's fortune, which, I think, will amount to ten thousand pounds? + +_Aim._ Not a penny, Archer: you would have cut my throat just now, +because I would not deceive this lady. + +_Arch._ Ay, and I'll cut your throat still, if you should deceive her +now. + +_Aim._ That's what I expect; and to end the dispute, the lady's fortune +is twenty thousand pounds, we'll divide stakes; take the twenty thousand +pounds, or the lady. + +_Dor._ How! is your lordship so indifferent? + +_Arch._ No, no, no, madam! his lordship knows very well, that I'll take +the money; I leave you to his lordship, and so we are both provided for. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ Arra fait, de people do say, you be all robbed, joy. + +_Aim._ The ladies have been in some danger, sir, as you saw. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, our inn be rob too. + +_Aim._ Our inn! By whom? + +_Foig._ Upon my shalvation, our landlord has robbed himself, and run +away wid da money. + +_Arch._ Robbed himself! + +_Foig._ Ay, fait! and me too, of a hundred pounds. + +_Arch._ Robbed you of a hundred pounds! + +_Foig._ Yes, fait, honey, that I did owe to him. + +_Aim._ Our money's gone, Frank! + +_Arch._ Rot the money! my wench is gone. + +_Sir C._ This good company meets opportunely in favour of a design I +have in behalf of my unfortunate sister: I intend to part her from her +husband. Gentlemen, will you assist me? + +_Arch._ Assist you!--'Sdeath! who would not? + +_Foig._ Ay, upon my shoul, we'll all ashist. + + _Enter_ SULLEN. + +_Sul._ What's all this?----They tell me, spouse, that you had like to +have been robbed. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Truly, spouse, I was pretty near it--had not these two +gentlemen interposed. + +_Sul._ How came these gentlemen here? + +_Mrs. Sul._ That's his way of returning thanks, you must know. + +_Foig._ Ay, but upon my conshience, de question be apropos, for all dat. + +_Sir C._ You promised, last night, sir, that you would deliver your lady +to me this morning. + +_Sul._ Humph! + +_Arch._ Humph! what do you mean by humph?--Sir, you shall deliver +her----In short, sir, we have saved you and your family, and if you are +not civil, we'll unbind the rogues, join with them, and set fire to your +house.--What does the man mean? Not part with his wife! + +_Foig._ Arra, not part wid your wife! Upon my shoul, de man dosh not +understand common shivility. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Hold, gentlemen, all things here must move by consent: +compulsion would spoil us. Let my dear and I talk the matter over, and +you shall judge it between us. + +_Sul._ Let me know, first, who are to be our judges.--Pray, sir, who are +you? + +_Sir C._ I am Sir Charles Freeman, come to take away your wife. + +_Sul._ And you, good sir? + +_Aim._ Thomas, Viscount Aimwell, come to take away your sister. + +_Sul._ And you, pray, sir? + +_Arch._ Francis Archer, Esq. come---- + +_Sul._ To take away my mother, I hope.--Gentlemen, you are heartily +welcome: I never met with three more obliging people since I was +born.--And now, my dear, if you please, you shall have the first word. + +_Arch._ And the last, for five pounds. [_Aside._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Spouse. + +_Sul._ Rib. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How long have you been married? + +_Sul._ By the almanack, fourteen months--but, by my account, fourteen +years. + +_Mrs. Sul._ 'Tis thereabout, by my reckoning. + +_Foig._ Upon my conshience, dere accounts vil agree. + +_Sir C._ What are the bars to your mutual contentment? + +_Mrs. Sul._ In the first place, I can't drink ale with him. + +_Sul._ Nor can I drink tea with her. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I can't hunt with you. + +_Sul._ Nor can I dance with you. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I hate cocking and racing. + +_Sul._ And I abhor ombre and picquet. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Your silence is intolerable. + +_Sul._ Your prating is worse. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Is there, on earth, a thing we can agree in? + +_Sul._ Yes--to part. + +_Mrs. Sul._ With all my heart. + +_Sul._ Your hand. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Here. + +_Sul._ These hands joined us; these shall part us--Away! + +_Mrs. Sul._ East. + +_Sul._ West. + +_Mrs. Sul._ North. + +_Sul._ South: as far as the poles asunder. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, a very pretty sheremony! + +_Sir C._ Now, Mr. Sullen, there wants only my sister's fortune to make +us easy. + +_Sul._ Sir Charles, you love your sister, and I love her fortune; every +one to his fancy. + +_Arch._ Then you won't refund? + +_Sul._ Not a stiver. + +_Arch._ What is her portion? + +_Sir C._ Ten thousand pounds, sir. + +_Arch._ I'll pay it: my lord, I thank him, has enabled me; and, if the +lady pleases, she shall go home with me. This night's adventure has +proved strangely lucky to us all--For Captain Gibbet, in his walk, has +made bold, Mr. Sullen, with your study and scrutoire, and has taken out +all the writings of your estate, all the articles of marriage with your +lady, bills, bonds, leases, receipts, to an infinite value; I took them +from him, and will deliver them to Sir Charles. + +_Sul._ How! my writings! my head aches consumedly.--Well, gentlemen, +you shall have her fortune, but I can't talk. If you have a mind, Sir +Charles, to be merry, and celebrate my sister's wedding and my divorce, +you may command my house. But my head aches consumedly;--Scrub, bring me +a dram. + +_Foig._ And put a sup in the top for myself. [_Exeunt_ FOIGARD _and_ +SULLEN. + +_Arch._ 'Twould be hard to guess which of these parties is the better +pleased, the couple joined, or the couple parted; the one rejoicing in +hopes of an untasted happiness, and the other in their deliverance from +an experienced misery. + + Both happy in their several states, we find: + Those parted by consent, and those conjoin'd. + Consent, if mutual, saves the lawyer's fee; + Consent is law enough to set you free. + [_Exeunt Omnes._ + + + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE + +Contemporary spellings have been retained. Hyphenation is inconsistent +throughout. + +Two changes were made to the text. + +Act 2: end of Scene 1, Mrs. Sullen's penultimate speech: +"her" was changed to "here" in the sentence: +The Count is to dine here tonight. + +In Act 3, Scene 2: +The words "Yes, faith", spoken by a non-existent character called +"Alon", were assigned to Aimwell in keeping with the dialogue sequence. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Beaux-Stratagem, by George Farquhar + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM *** + +***** This file should be named 37195-8.txt or 37195-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/9/37195/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Beaux-Stratagem + A comedy in five acts + +Author: George Farquhar + +Commentator: Elizabeth Inchbald + +Release Date: August 24, 2011 [EBook #37195] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<h4>THE</h4> +<h1>BEAUX STRATAGEM;</h1> +<p> </p> +<h3>A COMEDY,</h3> +<h5>IN FIVE ACTS;</h5> + +<h2><span class="smallcaps">By GEORGE FARQUHAR, Esq.</span></h2> +<p> </p> +<h5>AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRES ROYAL,</h5> +<h3>DRURY LANE AND COVENT GARDEN.</h3> +<h6>PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS<br /> +FROM THE PROMPT BOOK.</h6> +<p> </p> +<h5>WITH REMARKS</h5> + +<h3>BY MRS. INCHBALD.</h3> + +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<h4>LONDON:</h4> + +<h6>PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME<br /> +PATERNOSTER ROW.</h6> + +<h5>SAVAGE AND EASINGWOOD,<br /> +PRINTERS, LONDON.</h5> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> + +<h3>REMARKS.</h3> + +<p>It is an honour to the morality of the present age, +that this most entertaining comedy is but seldom performed; +and never, except some new pantomime, or +other gaudy spectacle, be added, as an afterpiece, for +the attraction of an audience.</p> + +<p>The well drawn characters, happy incidents, and +excellent dialogue, in "The Beaux Stratagem," are +but poor atonement for that unrestrained contempt +of principle which pervades every scene. Plays of +this kind are far more mischievous than those, which +preserve less appearance of delicacy. Every auditor +and reader shrinks from those crimes, which are recommended +in unseemly language, and from libertinism +united with coarse manners; but in adorning vice +with wit, and audacious rakes with the vivacity and +elegance of men of fashion, youth, at least, will be +decoyed into the snare of admiration.</p> + +<p>Charmed with the spirit of Archer and Aimwell, +the reader may not, perhaps, immediately perceive, +that those two fine gentlemen are but arrant impostors; +and that the lively, though pitiable Mrs. Sullen, +is no other than a deliberate violator of her marriage +vow. Highly delighted with every character, he will +not, perhaps, at first observe, that all the wise and +witty persons of this comedy are knaves, and all the +honest people fools.</p> + +<p>It is said, that this play was written in six weeks—it +is more surprising still, that it was written by a dying +man!</p> + +<p>Farquhar was a gentleman of elegant person and +bewitching address, who, having experienced the vicissitudes +of life, as a man of fashion, an actor, a captain +in the army, an author, a lover, and a husband; +and having encountered bitter disappointment in some +of his adventures—though amply gratified by others—He, +at the age of twenty-nine, sunk into a dejection +of spirits and decline of health; and in this state, he +wrote the present drama.—It had only been acted a +night or two, when the author, in the midst of those +honours, which he derived from its brilliant reception—died.</p> + +<p>As a proof that Farquhar was perfectly sensible of +his dangerous state, and that he regained cheerfulness as +his end approached, the following anecdote is told:—</p> + +<p>The famed actress, Mrs. Oldfield, performed the +part of Mrs. Sullen, when the comedy was first produced; +and being highly interested in its success, +from the esteem she bore the author; when it drew +near the last rehearsal, she desired Wilkes, the actor, +to go to him, and represent—that she advised him to +make some alteration in the catastrophe of the piece; +for that she was apprehensive, the free manner in +which he had bestowed the hand of Mrs. Sullen upon +Archer, without first procuring a divorce from her +husband, would offend great part of the audience. +"Oh," replied Farquhar, gaily, when this message +was delivered to him, "tell her, I wish she was married +to me instead of Sullen; for then, without the +trouble of a divorce, I would give her my bond, that +she should be a widow within a few days."</p> + +<p>In this allusion he was prophetic;—and the apparent +joy, with which he expected his dissolution, +may be accounted for on the supposition—that the +profligate characters, which he has pourtrayed in "The +Beaux Stratagem," were such as he had uniformly +met with in the world;—and he was rejoiced to leave +them all behind.</p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h3><span class="wide">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</span></h3> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"> </td><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="small">DRURY LANE.</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="small">COVENT GARDEN.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Holland.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Brunton.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Sir Charles Freeman</span> </td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Bartley.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Claremont.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Archer</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Elliston.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Lewis.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Sullen</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Powell.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Murray.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span> </td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Johnstone.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Rock.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Palmer.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Davenport.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Wewitzer.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Emery.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Hounslow</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Maddocks.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Atkins.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Bagshot</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Webb.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Abbot.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Bannister.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mr. Munden.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3"> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful</span> </td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mrs. Sparks.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mrs. Emery.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mrs. Jordan.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mrs. Glover.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Miss Mellon.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Miss Brunton.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Cherry</span></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Miss De Camp.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mrs. Martyr.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="top"><span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span> </td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mrs. Scott.</i></td><td align="left" valign="top"><i>Mrs. Beverly.</i></td></tr> +<tr><td colspan="3"> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="center" colspan="3"><i>SCENE,—Litchfield.</i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h5>THE</h5> +<h2>BEAUX STRATAGEM.</h2> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE FIRST.</h3> + +<h4>SCENE I.</h4> +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>An Inn.</i></p> + +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>, <i>running.—Bar Bell rings.</i></p> +</div> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Chamberlain! Maid! Cherry! Daughter +Cherry! All asleep? all dead?</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"> + <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cherry</span>, <i>running</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Here! here! Why d'ye bawl so, father? d'ye +think we have no ears?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> You deserve to have none, you young minx:—The +company of the Warrington coach has stood +in the hall this hour, and nobody to show them to +their chambers.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> And let them wait, father;—there's neither +red coat in the coach, nor footman behind it.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> But they threaten to go to another inn to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> That they dare not, for fear the coachman +should overturn them to-morrow—[<i>Ringing.</i>] +Coming! coming!—Here's the London coach arrived.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"> + <i>Enter several</i> <span class="smallcaps">People</span> <i>with Trunks, Bandboxes, and<br /> +other Luggage, and cross the Stage</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Welcome ladies.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Very welcome, gentlemen<span class="nowrap">——</span>Chamberlain, +show the lion and the rose.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit with the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Company</span>.</p> +<p> </p> +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"> + <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span>, <i>in a Riding Habit</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>as Footman,<br /> +carrying a Portmanteau</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> This way, this way, gentlemen.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Set down the things; go to the stable, and +see my horses well rubbed.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I shall, sir.<span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> You're my landlord, I suppose?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Yes, sir, I'm old Will Boniface, pretty well +known upon this road, as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> O, Mr. Boniface, your servant.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> O, sir,<span class="nowrap">——</span>what will your honour please to +drink, as the saying is?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I have heard your town of Litchfield much +famed for ale, I think: I'll taste that.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Sir, I have now in my cellar ten tun of the +best ale in Staffordshire; 'tis smooth as oil, sweet as +milk, clear as amber, and strong as brandy, and +will be just fourteen years old the fifth day of next +March.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> You are very exact, I find, in the age of your +ale.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my +children: I'll show you such ale<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here, tapster, +broach number 1792, as the saying is:<span class="nowrap">——</span>Sir, you +shall taste my Anno Domini<span class="nowrap">——</span>I have lived in Litchfield, +man and boy, above eight and fifty years, and +I believe have not consumed eight and fifty ounces +of meat.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your +sense by your bulk.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Not in my life, sir; I have fed purely upon +ale: I have eat my ale, drank my ale, and I always +sleep upon ale.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tapster</span>, <i>with a Tankard</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Now, sir, you shall see: your worship's health: ha! +delicious, delicious<span class="nowrap">——</span>fancy it Burgundy, only fancy +it, and 'tis worth ten shillings a quart.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> [<i>Drinks.</i>] 'Tis confounded strong.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Strong! it must be so; or how would we be +strong that drink it?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And have you lived so long upon this ale, +landlord?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Eight and fifty years, upon my credit, sir; but +it killed my wife, poor woman, as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> How came that to pass?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> I don't know how, sir; she would not let the +ale take its natural course, sir: she was for qualifying +it every now and then with a dram, as the saying is, +and an honest gentleman, that came this way from +Ireland, made her a present of a dozen bottles of +Usquebaugh<span class="nowrap">——</span>but the poor woman was never well +after; but, however, I was obliged to the gentleman, +you know.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Why, was it the Usquebaugh that killed +her?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> My Lady Bountiful said so—she, good lady, +did what could be done; she cured her of three tympanies, +but the fourth carried her off; but she's happy, +and I'm contented, as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Who's that Lady Bountiful, you mentioned?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> 'Ods my life, sir, we'll drink her health. +[<i>Drinks.</i>] My Lady Bountiful is one of the best of women: +her last husband, Sir Charles Bountiful, left +her worth a thousand pounds a year; and I believe +she lays out one half on't in charitable uses, for the +good of her neighbours: she cures all disorders +incidental to men, women and children; in short, she +has cured more people in and about Litchfield within +ten years, than the doctors have killed in twenty, and +that's a bold word.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Has the lady been any other way useful in +her generation?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Yes, sir, she has a daughter by Sir Charles, +the finest woman in all our country, and the greatest +fortune: she has a son too by her first husband, 'Squire +Sullen, who married a fine lady from London t'other +day; if you please, sir, we'll drink his health.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What sort of a man is he?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Why, sir, the man's well enough; says little, +thinks less, and does—nothing at all, 'faith: but he's +a man of great estate, and values nobody.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> A sportsman, I suppose?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Yes, sir, he's a man of pleasure; he plays +at whist, and smokes his pipe eight-and-forty hours +together sometimes.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> A fine sportsman truly! and married, you +say?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Ay, and to a curious woman, sir—but he's +a<span class="nowrap">——</span> He wants it here, sir.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Pointing to his Forehead.</i></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> He has it there, you mean.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> That's none of my business; he's my landlord, +and so a man, you know, would not<span class="nowrap">——</span>but I'cod +he's no better than—sir, my humble service to you. +[<i>Drinks.</i>] Though I value not a farthing what he can +do to me; I pay him his rent at quarter day; I have +a good running trade; I have but one daughter, and +I can give her—but no matter for that.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> You are very happy, Mr. Boniface; pray +what other company have you in town?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> A power of fine ladies; and then we have +the French Officers.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> O that's right, you have a good many of those +gentlemen: pray how do you like their company?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> So well, as the saying is, that I could wish we +had as many more of them; they are full of money, +and pay double for every thing they have; they know, +sir, that we paid good round taxes for the taking of +them, and so they are willing to reimburse us a little; +one of them lodges in my house.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Landlord, there are some French Gentlemen +below, that ask for you.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> I'll wait on them<span class="nowrap">——</span>Does your master stay +long in town, as the saying is? <span class="ind1"> </span>[<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I can't tell, as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Come from London?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No!</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Going to London, mayhap?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No!</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> An odd fellow this; [<i>Bar Bell rings.</i>] I beg +your worship's pardon, I'll wait on you in half a minute. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> The coast's clear, I see—Now, my dear Archer, +welcome to Litchfield!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I thank thee, my dear brother in iniquity.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Iniquity! pr'ythee, leave canting; you need +not change your style with your dress.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Don't mistake me, Aimwell, for 'tis still my +maxim, that there's no scandal like rags, nor any +crimes so shameful as poverty. Men must not be +poor; idleness is the root of all evil; the world's +wide enough, let them bustle; fortune has taken the +weak under her protection, but men of sense are left to +their industry.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Upon which topic we proceed, and, I think, +luckily hitherto: would not any man swear now, that +I am a man of quality, and you my servant, when, if +our intrinsic value were known<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Come, come, we are the men of intrinsic value, +who can strike our fortunes out of ourselves, whose +worth is independent of accidents in life, or revolutions +in government: we have heads to get money, and hearts +to spend it.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> As to our hearts, I grant ye, they are as willing +tits as any within twenty degrees; but I can have +no great opinion of our heads, from the service they +have done us hitherto, unless it be that they brought +us from London hither to Litchfield, made me a lord, +and you my servant.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> That's more than you could expect already, +but what money have we left?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> But two hundred pounds.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And our horses, clothes, rings, &c. Why we +have very good fortunes now for moderate people; +and let me tell you, that this two hundred pounds, +with the experience that we are now masters of, is +a better estate than the ten thousand we have spent<span class="nowrap">——</span>Our +friends indeed began to suspect that our +pockets were low, but we came off with flying colours, +showed no signs of want either in word or +deed.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Ay, and our going to Brussels was a good pretence +enough for our sudden disappearing; and, I warrant +you, our friends imagine, that we are gone a volunteering.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Why 'faith if this project fails, it must e'en +come to that. I am for venturing one of the hundreds, +if you will, upon this knight errantry; but in the case +it should fail, we'll reserve the other to carry us to +some counterscarp, where we may die as we lived, in +a blaze.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> With all my heart, and we have lived +justly, Archer; we can't say that we have spent our +fortunes, but that we have enjoyed them.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Right; so much pleasure for so much money; +we have had our pennyworths; and had I +millions, I would go to the same market again. O London, +London! well, we have had our share, and let us be +thankful: past pleasures, for aught I know, are best; +such we are sure of; those to come may disappoint +us, but you command for the day, and so I +submit:—At Nottingham, you know, I am to be +master.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And at Lincoln, I again.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Then, at Norwich, I mount, which, I think, +shall be our last stage; for, if we fail there, we'll embark +for Holland, bid adieu to Venus, and welcome +Mars.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> A match—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p>Mum.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> What will your worship please to have for +supper?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What have you got?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Sir, we have a delicate piece of beef in the pot, +and a pig at the fire.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Good supper meat, I must confess<span class="nowrap">——</span>I can't +eat beef, landlord.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And I hate pig.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Hold your prating, sirrah! do you know who +you are? [<i>Aside.</i></p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Please to bespeak something else; I have every +thing in the house.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Have you any veal?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Veal, sir! we had a delicate loin of veal on +Wednesday last.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Have you got any fish, or wild fowl?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> As for fish, truly, sir, we are an inland town, +and indifferently provided with fish, that's the truth +on't; but then for wild fowl!—We have a delicate +couple of rabbits.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Get me the rabbits fricasseed.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Fricasseed! Lard, sir, they'll eat much better +smothered with onions.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Pshaw! Rot your onions.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Again, sirrah;<span class="nowrap">——</span>Well, landlord, what you +please; but hold, I have a small charge of money, +and your house is so full of strangers, that I believe +it may be safer in your custody than mine; for when +this fellow of mine gets drunk, he minds nothing—Here, +sirrah, reach me the strong box.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Yes, sir,<span class="nowrap">——</span>this will give us reputation. +<span class="ind1"> </span>[<i>Aside.—Brings the Box.</i></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Here, landlord, the locks are sealed down, +both for your security and mine; it holds somewhat +above two hundred pounds; if you doubt it, I'll count +it to you after supper: But be sure you lay it where +I may have it at a minute's warning: for my affairs +are a little dubious at present; perhaps I may be gone +in half an hour, perhaps I may be your guest till the +best part of that be spent; and pray order your ostler +to keep my horses ready saddled: But one thing +above the rest I must beg, that you would let this +fellow have none of your Anno Domini, as you call +it;—for he's the most insufferable sot<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here, sirrah, +light me to my chamber.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Yes, sir!</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit, lighted by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Cherry, daughter Cherry.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cherry</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> D'ye call, father?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Ay, child, you must lay by this box for the +gentleman, 'tis full of money.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Money! all that money! why sure, father, +the gentleman comes to be chosen parliament man. +Who is he?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> I don't know what to make of him; he talks +of keeping his horses ready saddled, and of going, perhaps, +at a minute's warning; or of staying, perhaps, +till the best part of this be spent.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Ay! ten to one, father, he's a highwayman.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> A highwayman! upon my life, girl, you have +hit it, and this box is some new purchased booty.—Now, +could we find him out, the money were ours.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> He don't belong to our gang.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> What horses have they?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> The master rides upon a black.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> A black! ten to one the man upon the black +mare: and since he don't belong to our fraternity, we +may betray him with a safe conscience: I don't think +it lawful to harbour any rogues but my own. Lookye, +child, as the saying is, we must go cunningly to work; +proofs we must have; the gentleman's servant loves +drink; I'll ply him that way, and ten to one he loves +a wench; you must work him t'other way.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Father, would you have me give my secret +for his?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Consider, child, there's two hundred pound, +to boot. [<i>Ringing without.</i>] Coming, coming—child, +mind your business.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> What a rogue is my father! My father! I +deny it<span class="nowrap">——</span>My mother was a good, generous, free-hearted +woman, and I can't tell how far her goodnature +might have extended for the good of her children. +This landlord of mine, for I think I can call +him no more, would betray his guest, and debauch +his daughter into the bargain,<span class="nowrap">——</span>by a footman +too!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What footman, pray, mistress, is so happy +as to be the subject of your contemplation?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Whoever he is, friend, he'll be but little the +better for't.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I hope so, for, I'm sure, you did not think +of me.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Suppose I had?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Why then you're but even with me; for the +minute I came in, I was considering in what manner +I should make love to you.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Love to me, friend!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Yes, child.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Child! manners; if you kept a little more +distance, friend, it would become you much better.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Distance! good night, saucebox. <span class="ex">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> A pretty fellow; I like his pride.—Sir—pray, +sir—you see, sir. [<span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>returns</i>.] I have the credit +to be entrusted with your master's fortune here, which +sets me a degree above his footman; I hope, sir, you +an't affronted.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Let me look you full in the face, and I'll tell +you whether you can affront me or no.<span class="nowrap">——</span>'Sdeath, +child, you have a pair of delicate eyes, and you don't +know what to do with them.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Why, sir, don't I see every body!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, but if some women had them, they would +kill every body.<span class="nowrap">——</span>Pr'ythee instruct me; I would +fain make love to you, but I don't know what to say.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Why, did you never make love to any body +before?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Never to a person of your figure, I can assure +you, madam; my addresses have been always +confined to people within my own sphere, I never aspired +so high before.</p> +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>sings</i>.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left"><i>But you look so bright,</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><i>And are dress'd so tight,</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><i>That a man would swear you're right,</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><i>As arm was e'er laid over.</i></td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Will you give me that song, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, my dear, take it while it is warm. +[<i>Kisses her.</i>] Death and fire! her lips are honeycombs.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> And I wish there had been a swarm of bees +too, to have stung you for your impudence.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> There's a swarm of Cupids, my little Venus, +that has done the business much better.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> This fellow is misbegotten, as well as I. +[<i>Aside.</i>] What's your name, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Name! egad, I have forgot it. [<i>Aside.</i>] Oh, +Martin.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Where were you born?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> In St. Martin's parish.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> What was your father?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Of—of—St. Martin's parish.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Then, friend, goodnight.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I hope not.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> You may depend upon't.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Upon what?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> That you're very impudent.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> That you're very handsome.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> That you're a footman.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> That you're an angel.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> I shall be rude.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> So shall I.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Let go my hand.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Give me a kiss. <span class="ex">[<i>Kisses her.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Boniface.</i> [<i>Calls without.</i>] Cherry, Cherry!</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> I'm<span class="nowrap">——</span>My father calls; you plaguy devil, +how durst you stop my breath so?—Offer to follow +me one step, if you dare. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> A fair challenge, by this light; this is a +pretty fair opening of an adventure; but we are +knight-errants, and so fortune be our guide! <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE SECOND.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I.</h4> +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>A Gallery in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful's</span> <i>House</i>.</p> + + <p class="noindent"> + <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span> <i>meeting</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> 'Morrow, my dear sister; are you for church +this morning?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Any where to pray; for Heaven alone +can help me: but I think, Dorinda, there's no form +of prayer in the Liturgy against bad husbands.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But there's a form of law at Doctors' Commons; +and I swear, sister Sullen, rather than see you +thus continually discontented, I would advise you to +apply to that: for besides the part that I bear in +your vexatious broils, as being sister to the husband, +and friend to the wife, your examples give me such +an impression of matrimony, that I shall be apt to +condemn my person to a long vacation all its life—But +supposing, madam, that you brought it to a case +of separation, what can you urge against your husband? +my brother is, first, the most constant man +alive.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The most constant husband, I grant ye.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> He never sleeps from you.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> No, he always sleeps with me.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> He allows you a maintenance suitable to +your quality.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> A maintenance! do you take me, madam, +for an hospital child, that I must sit down and +bless my benefactors, for meat, drink, and clothes? +As I take it, madam, I brought your brother ten thousand +pounds, out of which I might expect some pretty +things, called pleasures.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> You share in all the pleasures that the country +affords.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Country pleasures! racks and torments! +dost think, child, that my limbs were made for leaping +of ditches, and clambering over stiles; or that my +parents, wisely foreseeing my future happiness in country +pleasures, had early instructed me in the rural accomplishments +of drinking fat ale, playing at whist, and +smoaking tobacco with my husband; and stilling rosemary +water, with the good old gentlewoman my mother-in-law?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I'm sorry, madam, that it is not more in our +power to divert you; I could wish, indeed, that our +entertainments were a little more polite, or your taste +a little less refined; but pray, madam, how came the +poets and philosophers, that laboured so much in hunting +after pleasure, to place it at last in a country +life?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Because they wanted money, child, to +find out the pleasures of the town: Did you ever hear +of a poet or philosopher worth ten thousand pounds? +if you can show me such a man, I'll lay you fifty +pounds you'll find him somewhere within the weekly +bills. Not that I disapprove rural pleasures, as the +poets have painted them in their landscapes; every +Phyllis has her Corydon, every murmuring stream, +and every flowery mead give fresh alarms to love<span class="nowrap">——</span>Besides, +you'll find, their couples were never married:<span class="nowrap">——</span>But +yonder, I see my Corydon, and a sweet +swain it is, Heaven knows—Come, Dorinda, don't be +angry, he's my husband, and your brother, and between +both, is he not a sad brute?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I have nothing to say to your part of him; +you're the best judge.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> O sister, sister! if ever you marry, +beware of a sullen, silent sot, one that's always musing, +but never thinks—There's some diversion in a talking +blockhead; and since a woman must wear chains, I +would have the pleasure of hearing 'em rattle a little.—Now +you shall see; but take this by the way; he +came home this morning, at his usual hour of four, +waked me out of a sweet dream of something else, by +tumbling over the tea-table, which he broke all to +pieces; after his man and he has rolled about the +room like sick passengers in a storm, he comes flounce +into bed, dead as a salmon into a fishmonger's basket; +his feet cold as ice, his breath hot as a furnace, and +his hands and his face as greasy as his flannel night-cap<span class="nowrap">——</span>Oh +matrimony! matrimony!<span class="nowrap">——</span>He tosses +up the clothes with a barbarous swing over his shoulders, +disorders the whole economy of my bed, and +my whole night's comfort is the tuneable serenade of +that wakeful nightingale, his nose.<span class="nowrap">——</span>O the pleasure +of counting the melancholy clock by a snoring +husband!<span class="nowrap">——</span>But now, sister, you shall see how +handsomely, being a well-bred man, he will beg my +pardon.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sullen</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> My head aches consumedly.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Will you be pleased, my dear, to drink +tea with us this morning? it may do your head +good.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Coffee, brother?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Pshaw?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Will you please to dress, and go to church +with me? the air may help you.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Scrub!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Sir!</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> What day o'the week is this?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Sunday, an't please your worship.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Sunday! bring me a dram; and, d'ye hear, set +out the venison pasty, and a tankard of strong +beer upon the hall table, I'll go to breakfast. <span class="ex">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Stay, stay, brother, you shan't get off so; you +were very naught last night, and must make your wife +reparation: come, come, brother, won't you ask pardon?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> For what?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> For being drunk last night.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> I can afford it, can't I?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> But I can't, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Then you may let it alone.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> But I must tell you, sir, that this is not +to be borne.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> I'm glad on't.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What is the reason, sir, that you use me +thus inhumanly?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Scrub!</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Sir!</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Get things ready to shave my head. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Have a care of coming near his temples, +Scrub, for fear you meet something there that may +turn the edge of your razor. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>.] Inveterate +stupidity! did you ever know so hard, so obstinate +a spleen as his? O sister, sister! I shall never +have good of the beast till I get him to town; London, +dear London, is the place for managing and breaking +a husband.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> And has not a husband the same opportunities +there for humbling a wife?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> No, no, child; 'tis a standing maxim in +conjugal discipline, that when a man would enslave +his wife, he hurries her into the country; and when +a lady would be arbitrary with her husband, she +wheedles her booby up to town<span class="nowrap">——</span>A man dare not +play the tyrant in London, because there are so many +examples to encourage the subject to rebel, O Dorinda, +Dorinda! a fine woman may do any thing in +London: On my conscience, she may raise an army +of forty thousand men.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I fancy, sister, you have a mind to be trying +your power that way here in Litchfield; you have +drawn the French Count to your colours already.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The French are a people that can't live +without their gallantries.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> And some English that I know, sister, are +not averse to such amusements.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Well, sister, since the truth must out, it +may do as well now as hereafter; I think, one way +to rouse my lethargic, sottish, husband, is to give him +a rival; security begets negligence in all people, and +men must be alarmed to make them alert in their duty; +women are like pictures, of no value in the hands of +a fool, till he hears men of sense bid high for the purchase.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> This might do, sister, if my brother's understanding +were to be convinced into a passion for you; +but, I believe, there's a natural aversion on his side; +and I fancy, sister, that you don't come much behind +him, if you dealt fairly.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I own it; we are united contradictions, +fire and water. But I could be contented, with a +great many other wives, to humour the censorious +vulgar, and give the world an appearance of living +well with my husband, could I bring him but to dissemble +a little kindness, to keep me in countenance.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But how do you know, sister, but that instead +of rousing your husband by this artifice to a counterfeit +kindness, he should awake in a real fury?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Let him:—If I can't entice him to the +one, I would provoke him to the other.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But how must I behave myself between ye?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> You must assist me.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> What, against my own brother!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> He is but your half brother, and I'm +your entire friend: If I go a step beyond the +bounds of honour, leave me; till then, I expect you +should go along with me in every thing; while I +trust my honour in your hands, you may trust your +brother's in mine—The Count is to dine <ins title="original has her">here</ins> to-day.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> 'Tis a strange thing, sister, that I can't like +that man.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> You like nothing; your time is not +come; love and death have their fatalities, and strike +home one time or other:—You'll pay for all one day, +I warrant ye—But come, my lady's tea is ready, and +'tis almost church time. <span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>The Inn.</i></p> + +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span>, <i>dressed, and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And was she the daughter of the house?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> The Landlord is so blind as to think so; but, +I dare swear, she has better blood in her veins.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Why dost think so?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Because the baggage has a pert <i>je-ne-sçai-quoi</i>; +she reads plays, keeps a monkey, and is troubled +with vapours.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> By which discoveries, I guess that you know +more of her.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Not yet, 'faith: the lady gives herself airs, +forsooth; nothing under a gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Let me take her in hand.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Say one word more o'that, and I'll declare +myself, spoil your sport there, and every where else: +lookye, Aimwell, every man in his own sphere.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Right; and therefore you must pimp for your +master.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> In the usual forms, good sir, after I have +served myself.—But to our business—You are so well +dressed, Tom, and make so handsome a figure, that +I fancy you may do execution in a country church; +the exterior part strikes first, and you're in the right +to make that impression favourable.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> There's something in that which may turn to +advantage: the appearance of a stranger in a country +church draws as many gazers as a blazing star; no +sooner he comes into the cathedral, but a train of +whispers runs buzzing round the congregation in a +moment:—Who is he? whence comes he? do you +know him?—Then I, sir, tip the verger half a +crown; he pockets the simony, and inducts me into +the best pew in the church; I pull out my snuff-box, +turn myself round, bow to the Bishop or the Dean, +if he be the commanding officer; single out a beauty, +rivet both my eyes to hers, set my nose a-bleeding +by the strength of imagination, and show the whole +church my concern, by my endeavouring to hide +it: after the sermon, the whole town gives me to her +for a lover; and, by persuading the lady that I am +dying for her, the tables are turned, and she, in good +earnest, falls in love with me.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> There's nothing in this, Tom, without a precedent; +but, instead of riveting your eyes to a beauty, +try to fix them upon a fortune; that's our business +at present.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Pshaw! no woman can be a beauty without +a fortune.—Let me alone for a marksman.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Tom!</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Ay!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> When were you at church before, pray?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Um—I was there at the coronation.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And how can you expect a blessing by going +to church now?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Blessing? nay, Frank, I ask but for a wife! <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Truly, the man is not very unreasonable in +his demands.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit, at the opposite Door.</i></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cherry</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Well, daughter, as the saying is, have you +brought Martin to confess?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Pray, father, don't put me upon getting any +thing out of a man; I'm but young, you know, father, +and don't understand wheedling.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Young! why, you jade, as the saying is, can +any woman wheedle that is not young? Your mother +was useless at five and twenty! Would you make your +mother a whore, and me a cuckold, as the saying is? +I tell you, silence confesses it, and his master spends +his money so freely, and is so much a gentleman +every manner of way, that he must be a highwayman.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span>, <i>in a Cloak</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Landlord! Landlord! is the coast clear?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> O, Mr. Gibbet, what's the news?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> No matter; ask no questions; all fair and +honourable. Here, my dear Cherry. [<i>Gives her a +Bag.</i>] Two hundred sterling pounds, as good as ever +hanged or saved a rogue; lay them by with the rest. +And here—three wedding, or mourning rings—'tis +much the same, you know<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here, two silver hilted +swords; I took those from fellows that never show +any part of their swords but the hilts: here is a diamond +necklace, which the lady hid in the privatest +part in the coach, but I found it out: this gold +watch I took from a pawnbroker's wife; it was left in +her hands by a person of quality; there's the arms +upon the case.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> But who had you the money from?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Ah! poor woman! I pitied her—from a poor +lady, just eloped from her husband; she had made up +her cargo, and was bound for Ireland, as hard as she +could drive: she told me of her husband's barbarous +usage, and so, faith, I left her half a crown. But +I had almost forgot, my dear Cherry; I have a present +for you.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> What is't?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> A pot of ceruse, my child, that I took out of +a lady's under petticoat pocket.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> What, Mr. Gibbet, do you think, that I +paint?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Why, you jade, your betters do; I am sure, +the lady that I took it from had a coronet upon her +handkerchief.<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here, take my cloak, and go, secure +the premises.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> I will secure them. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> But, harkye, where's Hounslow and Bagshot?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> They'll be here to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> D'ye know of any other gentlemen o' the pad +on this road?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> I fancy, that I have two that lodge in the +house just now.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> The devil! how d'ye smoak them?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Why, the one is gone to church.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> To church! that's suspicious, I must confess.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> And the other is now in his master's chamber: +he pretends to be a servant to the other; we'll +call him out, and pump him a little.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> With all my heart.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Mr. Martin! Mr. Martin!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>, <i>brushing a Hat, and singing</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> The roads are consumed deep; I'm as dirty +as Old Brentford at Christmas.<span class="nowrap">——</span>A good pretty +fellow—Who's servant are you, friend?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> My master's.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Really!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Really.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> That's much—The fellow has been at the bar, +by his evasions:—But pray, sir, what is your master's +name?</p> + +<p>Arch. <i>Tall, all, dall.</i> [Sings, and brushes the Hat.] +This is the most obstinate spot<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> I ask you his name?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Name, sir,—<i>Tall, all, dall</i>—I never asked +him his name in my life. <i>Tall, all, dall.</i></p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> What think you now?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Plain, plain; he talks now as if he were before +a judge: but pray, friend, which way does your +master travel?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> On horseback.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Very well again; an old offender—Right; +but, I mean, does he go upwards or downwards?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Downwards, I fear, sir! <i>Tall, all.</i></p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> I'm afraid thy fate will be a contrary way.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Ha! ha! ha! Mr. Martin, you're very arch—This +gentleman is only travelling towards Chester, +and would be glad of your company, that's all—Come, +Captain, you'll stay to-night, I suppose; I'll +show you a chamber<span class="nowrap">——</span>Come, Captain.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Farewell, friend<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Captain, your servant<span class="nowrap">——</span>Captain! a pretty +fellow! 'Sdeath, I wonder that the officers of the +army don't conspire to beat all scoundrels in red but +their own.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cherry</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Gone, and Martin here! I hope he did not +listen: I would have the merit of the discovery all +my own, because I would oblige him to love me. +[<i>Aside.</i>]—Mr. Martin, who was that man with my +father?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Some recruiting sergeant, or whipped out +trooper, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> All's safe, I find. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Come, my dear, have you conned over the +catechism I taught you last night?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Come, question me.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What is love?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Love is I know not what, it comes I know +not how, and goes I know not when.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Very well, an apt scholar. [<i>Chucks her under +the Chin.</i>] Where does love enter?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Into the eyes.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And where go out?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> I won't tell you.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What are the objects of that passion?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Youth, beauty, and clean linen.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> The reason?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> The two first are fashionable in nature, and +the third at court.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> That's my dear—What are the signs and tokens +of that passion?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> A stealing look, a stammering tongue, words +improbable, designs impossible, and actions impracticable.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> That's my good child, kiss me.<span class="nowrap">——</span>What +must a lover do to obtain his mistress?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> He must adore the person that disdains him, +he must bribe the chambermaid that betrays him, +and court the footman that laughs at him!<span class="nowrap">——</span>He +must, he must<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Nay, child, I must whip you if you don't +mind your lesson; he must treat his<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> O! ay, he must treat his enemies with respect, +his friends with indifference, and all the world +with contempt; he must suffer much, and fear more; +he must desire much, and hope little; in short, he +must embrace his ruin, and throw himself away.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Had ever man so hopeful a pupil as mine? +Come, my dear, why is love called a riddle?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Because, being blind, he leads those that +see; and, though a child, he governs a man.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Mighty well—And why is love pictured +blind?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Because the painters, out of their weakness, +or privilege of their art, chose to hide those eyes they +could not draw.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> That's my dear little scholar, kiss me again.—And +why should love, that's a child, govern a man?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Because that a child is the end of love.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And so ends love's catechism<span class="nowrap">——</span>And now, +my dear, we'll go in, and make my master's bed.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Hold, hold, Mr. Martin<span class="nowrap">——</span>You have taken +a great deal of pains to instruct me, and what d'ye +think I have learned by it?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> That your discourse and your habit are contradictions, +and it would be nonsense in me to believe +you a footman any longer.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Oons, what a witch it is!</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Depend upon this, sir, nothing in that garb +shall ever tempt me; for, though I was born to servitude, +I hate it:—Own your condition, swear you +love me, and then<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And then we shall go make my master's bed?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> You must know, then, that I am born a gentleman, +my education was liberal; but I went to +London a younger brother, fell into the hands of +sharpers, who stripped me of my money; my friends +disowned me, and now my necessity brings me to +what you see.</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Then take my hand—promise to marry me +before you sleep, and I'll make you master of two +thousand pounds.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> How!</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Two thousand pounds, that I have this +minute in my own custody; so throw off your livery +this instant, and I'll go find a parson.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What said you? A parson!</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> What! do you scruple?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Scruple! No, no, but—two thousand pounds, +you say?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> And better.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Sdeath, what shall I do?—But harkye, child, +what need you make me master of yourself and money, +when you may have the same pleasure out of me, +and still keep your fortune in your own hands?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Then you won't marry me?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I would marry you, but<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> O, sweet sir, I'm your humble servant; you're +fairly caught: Would you persuade me that any gentleman, +who could bear the scandal of wearing a +livery, would refuse two thousand pounds, let the +condition be what it would?—No, no, sir; but I hope +you'll pardon the freedom I have taken, since it was +only to inform myself of the respect that I ought to +pay you. <span class="ex">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Fairly bit, by Jupiter!—Hold, hold! And +have you actually two thousand pounds?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> Sir, I have my secrets as well as you—when +you please to be more open, I shall be more free; and, +be assured, that I have discoveries that will match +yours, be they what they will.—In the mean while, +be satisfied that no discovery I make shall ever hurt +you; but beware of my father<span class="nowrap">——</span><span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> So—we're like to have as many adventures in +our inn, as Don Quixotte had in his—Let me see—two +thousand pounds! if the wench would promise to +die when the money were spent, egad, one would +marry her; but the fortune may go off in a year or +two, and the wife may live—Lord knows how long! +then an innkeeper's daughter; ay, that's the devil—there +my pride brings me off.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">For whatsoe'er the sages charge on pride,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The angels' fall, and twenty faults beside,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">On earth, I'm sure, 'mong us of mortal calling,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Pride saves man oft, and woman too, from falling.<span class="ind2"> </span></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit.</i></p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE THIRD.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I.</h4> +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful's</span> <i>House</i>.</p> + + <p class="noindent"> + <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Ha! ha! ha! my dear sister, let me embrace +thee: now we are friends indeed; for I shall +have a secret of yours, as a pledge for mine.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But do you think that I am so weak as to fall +in love with a fellow at first sight?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Pshaw! now you spoil all; why should +not we be as free in our friendships as the men? I +warrant you, the gentleman has got to his confidant +already, has avowed his passion, toasted your health, +and called you ten thousand angels.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Your hand, sister, I an't well.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> So—come, child, up with it—hem a +little—so—now, tell me, don't you like the gentleman +that we saw at church just now?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> The man's well enough.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Well enough! Is he not a demigod, a +Narcissus, a star, the man i'the moon?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> O, sister, I'm extremely ill.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Come, unbosom yourself—the man is +perfectly a pretty fellow; I saw him when he first +came into church.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I saw him too, sister, and with an air that +shone, methought, like rays about his person.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Well said, up with it.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> No forward coquette behaviour, no airs to set +himself off, no studied looks nor artful posture,—but +nature did it all.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Better and better<span class="nowrap">——</span>One touch more; +come—</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But, then his looks—Did you observe his +eyes?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Yes, yes, I did—his eyes; well, what of +his eyes?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Sprightly, but not wandering; they seemed to +view, but never gazed on any thing but me—and then +his looks so humble were, and yet so noble, that they +aimed to tell me, that he could with pride die at my +feet, though he scorned slavery any where else.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The physic works purely—How d'ye +find yourself now, my dear?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Hem! much better, my dear.—O, here comes +our Mercury.—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Well, Scrub, what news of the gentleman?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Madam, I have brought you a whole packet +of news.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Open it quickly; come.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> In the first place, I inquired who the gentleman +was? They told me he was a stranger. Secondly, I +asked, what the gentleman was? They answered and +said, that they never saw him before. Thirdly, I inquired, +what countryman he was? They replied, 'twas +more than they knew. Fourthly, I demanded, whence +he came? Their answer was, they could not tell. And, +fifthly, I asked, whither he went? And they replied, +they knew nothing of the matter.—And this is all I +could learn.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> But what do the people say? can't they +guess!</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Why, some think he's a spy; some guess he's +a mountebank; some say one thing, some another;—but, +for my own part, I believe he's a jesuit.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> A jesuit! Why a jesuit?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Because he keeps his horses always ready +saddled, and his footman talks French!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> His footman!</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ay; he and the Count's footman were jabbering +French, like two intriguing ducks in a mill-pond: +and, I believe, they talked of me, for they +laughed consumedly.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> What sort of livery has the footman?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Livery! lord, madam, I took him for a captain, +he's so bedizened with lace: and then he has a +silver-headed cane dangling at his knuckles—he carries +his hands in his pockets, and walks just so—[<i>Walks +in a French Air.</i>] and has fine long hair, tied up in a +bag.<span class="nowrap">——</span>Lord, madam, he's clear another sort of man +than I.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> That may easily be—But what shall we +do now, sister?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I have it<span class="nowrap">——</span>This fellow has a world of simplicity, +and some cunning, the first hides the latter by +abundance<span class="nowrap">——</span>Scrub.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Madam.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> We have a great mind to know who this gentleman +is, only for our satisfaction.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Yes, madam, it would be a satisfaction, no +doubt.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> You must go and get acquainted with his +footman, and invite him hither to drink a bottle of +your ale, because you are butler to-day.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Yes, madam, I am butler every Sunday.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> O brave sister! o'my conscience, you +understand the mathematics already—'Tis the best +plot in the world;—your mother, you know, will be +gone to church, my spouse will be got to the alehouse, +with his scoundrels, and the house will be our own—so +we drop in by accident, and ask the fellow some +questions ourselves. In the country, you know, any +stranger is company, and we are glad to take up with +the butler in a country dance, and happy if he'll do +us the favour.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Oh, madam! you wrong me: I never refused +your ladyship the favour in my life.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Ladies, dinner's upon table.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Scrub, we'll excuse your waiting—Go where +we ordered you.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> I shall. <span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>The Inn.</i></p> + +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Well, Tom, I find you are a marksman.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> A marksman! who so blind could be as not +discern a swan among the ravens?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Well, but harkye, Aimwell<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Aimwell! call me Oroondates, Cesario, Amadis, +all that romance can in a lover paint, and then +I'll answer. O, Archer, I read her thousands in her +looks! she looked like Ceres in her harvest; corn, +wine, and oil, milk and honey; gardens, groves, and +purling streams, played on her plenteous face.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Her face!—her pocket, you mean. The +corn, wine, and oil, lies there. In short, she has twenty +thousand pounds, that's the English on't.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Her eyes<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Are demicannons, to be sure; so I won't +stand their battery. <span class="ex">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Pray excuse me; my passion must have vent.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Passion! what a plague, d'ye think these romantic +airs will do your business? Were my temper +as extravagant as yours, my adventures have something +more romantic by half.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Your adventures!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Yes—</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">The nymph, that with her twice ten hundred pounds,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">With brazen engine hot, and coif clear starch'd,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Can fire the guest in warming of the bed—</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>There's a touch of sublime Milton for you, and the +subject, but an innkeeper's daughter. I can play with +a girl, as an angler does with his fish; he keeps it at +the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and down +the stream, till at last, he brings it to hand, tickles +the trout, and so whips it into his basket.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Mr. Martin, as the saying is—yonder's an honest +fellow below, my Lady Bountiful's butler, who +begs the honour, that you would go home with him, +and see his cellar.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Do my <i>baissemains</i> to the gentleman, and tell +him, I will do myself the honour to wait on him immediately, +as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> I shall do your worship's commands, as the +saying is.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit, bowing obsequiously.</i></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What do I hear? soft Orpheus play, and fair +Toftida sing.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Pshaw! damn your raptures; I tell you, +here's a pump going to be put into the vessel, and the +ship will get into harbour, my life on't. You say, +there's another lady very handsome there?</p> + +<p><ins title="original has Alon"><i>Aim.</i></ins> Yes, faith.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I'm in love with her already.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Can't you give me a bill upon Cherry in the +mean time.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No, no, friend; all her corn, wine, and oil, +is ingrossed to my market—And, once more, I warn +you, to keep your anchorage clear of mine; for if you +fall foul on me, by this light, you shall go to the bottom.—What! +make prize of my little frigate, while I +am upon the cruize for you! <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Well, well, I won't—Landlord, have you any +tolerable company in the house? I don't care for dining +alone.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Yes, sir, there's a captain below, as the saying +is, that arrived about an hour ago.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Gentlemen of his coat are welcome every +where;—will you make him a compliment from me, +and tell him, I should be glad of his company.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Who shall I tell him, sir, would<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Ha! that stroke was well thrown in<span class="nowrap">——</span>I'm +only a traveller, like himself, and would be glad of +his company, that's all.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> I obey your commands, as the saying is. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Sdeath! I had forgot—what title will you +give yourself?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> My brother's, to be sure: he would never give +me any thing else, so I'll make bold with his honour +this bout. You know the rest of your cue.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, ay. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Sir, I'm yours.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> 'Tis more than I deserve, sir; for I don't know +you.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> I don't wonder at that, sir, for you never saw +me before<span class="nowrap">——</span>I hope. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And pray, sir, how came I by the honour of +seeing you now?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Sir, I scorn to intrude upon any gentleman—but +my landlord—</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> O, sir, I ask your pardon; you are the captain +he told me of?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> At your service, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What regiment, may I be so bold?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> A marching regiment, sir; an old corps.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Very old, if your coat be regimental. [<i>Aside.</i>] +You have served abroad, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Yes, sir, in the plantations; 'twas my lot to be +sent into the worst service; I would have quitted it indeed, +but a man of honour, you know<span class="nowrap">——</span>Besides, +'twas for the good of my country, that I should be +abroad<span class="nowrap">——</span>Any thing for the good of one's country.—I'm +a Roman for that.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> One of the first, I'll lay my life. [<i>Aside.</i>] You +found the West Indies very hot, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Ay, sir, too hot for me.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Pray sir, han't I seen your face at Will's coffeehouse?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Yes, sir, and at White's too.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And where is your company now, captain?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> They a'nt come yet.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Why, d'ye expect them here?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> They'll be here to-night, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Which way do they march?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Across the country.<span class="nowrap">——</span>The devil's in't, if I +han't said enough to encourage him to declare—but +I'm afraid he's not right—I must tack about. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Is your company to quarter at Litchfield?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> In this house, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What! all?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> My company's but thin—Ha! ha! ha! we are +but three;—ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> You are merry, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Ay, sir, you must excuse me, sir, I understand +the world, especially the art of travelling: I don't care, +sir, for answering questions directly upon the road—for +I generally ride with a charge about me.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Three or four, I believe. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> I am credibly informed, that there are highwaymen +upon this quarter—not, sir, that I could suspect +a gentleman of your figure—But, truly, sir, I +have got such a way of evasion upon the road, that I +don't care for speaking truth to any man.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Your caution may be necessary—Then, I +presume, you are no captain.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Not I, sir; captain is a good travelling name, +and so I take it. It stops a great many foolish inquiries, +that are generally made about gentlemen that +travel;—it gives a man an air of something, and +makes the drawers obedient.—And, thus far, I am a +captain, and no farther.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And, pray, sir, what is your true profession?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> O, sir, you must excuse me—upon my word, +sir, I don't think it safe to tell ye.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Ha! ha! ha! upon my word, I commend +you.—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p>Well, Mr. Boniface, what's the news?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> There's another gentleman below, as the saying +is, that, hearing you were but two, would be glad +to make the third man, if you'd give him leave.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What is he?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> A clergyman, as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> A clergyman!—is he really a clergyman? or +is it only his travelling name, as my friend the captain +has it.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> O, sir, he's a priest, and chaplain to the French +officers in town.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Is he a Frenchman?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Yes, sir; born at Brussels.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> A Frenchman, and a priest! I won't be seen +in his company, sir;—I have a value for my reputation, +sir.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Nay, but, captain, since we are by ourselves—Can +he speak English, landlord?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Very well, sir; you may know him, as the +saying is, to be a foreigner by his accent, and that's +all.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Then he has been in England before?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Never, sir, but he's a master of languages, as +the saying is—he talks Latin; it does me good to hear +him talk Latin.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Then you understand Latin, Mr. Boniface?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Not I, sir, as the saying is;—but he talks it +so very fast, that I'm sure it must be good.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Pray desire him to walk up.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Here he is, as the saying is.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Save you, gentlemens bote.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> A Frenchman!—Sir, your most humble servant.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Och, dear joy, I am your most faithful shervant; +and yours alsho.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Doctor, you talk very good English, but you +have a mighty twang of the foreigner.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> My English is very well for the vords; but ve +foreigners, you know, cannot bring our tongues about +the pronunciation so soon.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> A foreigner! A downright teague, by this +light. [<i>Aside.</i>] Were you born in France, doctor?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> I was educated in France, but I was borned +at Brussels; I am a subject of the King of Spain, joy.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> What King of Spain, sir? speak.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my shoul, joy, I cannot tell you as yet.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Nay, captain, that was too hard upon the +doctor; he's a stranger.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> O, let him alone, dear joy, I am of a nation +that is not easily put out of countenance.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Come, gentlemen, I'll end the dispute<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here, +landlord, is dinner ready?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Upon the table, as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Gentlemen—pray—that door<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> No, no, fait, the captain must lead.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> No, doctor, the church is our guide.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Ay, ay, so it is.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span> <i>foremost</i>.</p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE III.</h4> +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>A Gallery in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful's</span> <i>House</i>.</p> + +<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>, <i>singing, and hugging one<br /> +another</i>; <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span> <i>with a Tankard in his Hand</i>—<span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span><br /> +<i>listening at a Distance</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p>Scrub. <i>Tal, all, dal</i><span class="nowrap">——</span>Come, my dear boy, let us +have that song once more.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No, no, we shall disturb the family<span class="nowrap">——</span>But +will you be sure to keep the secret?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Pho! upon my honour, as I'm a gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Tis enough<span class="nowrap">——</span>You must know then, that +my master is the Lord Viscount Aimwell: he fought +a duel t'other day in London, wounded his man so +dangerously, that he thinks fit to withdraw, till he +hears whether the gentleman's wounds be mortal or +not. He never was in this part of England before, so +he chose to retire to this place, that's all.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> And, that's enough for me. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> And where were you, when your master +fought?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> We never know of our master's quarrels.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> No! if our masters in the country here receive +a challenge, the first thing they do, is to tell +their wives; the wife tells the servants, the servants +alarm the tenants, and in half an hour, you shall +have the whole country up in arms.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> To hinder two men from doing what they +have no mind for.—But, if you should chance to talk +now of this business<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Talk! Ah, sir, had I not learned the knack +of holding my tongue, I had never lived so long in a +great family.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, ay, to be sure, there are secrets in all +families.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Secrets, O lud!<span class="nowrap">——</span>But I'll say no more—Come, +sit down, we'll make an end of our tankard:—Here<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> With all my heart; who knows but you and +I may come to be better acquainted, eh?<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here's +your ladies' health—You have three, I think, and to +be sure there must be secrets among them?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Secrets! ah, friend, friend! I wish I had a +friend.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Am not I your friend? Come, you and I +will be sworn brothers.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Shall we?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> From this minute—Give me a kiss<span class="nowrap">——</span>and +now, brother Scrub<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> And now, brother Martin, I will tell you a +secret, that will make your hair stand on end.—You +must know, that I am consumedly in love.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> That's a terrible secret, that's the truth on't.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> That jade, Gipsey, that was with us just now +in the cellar, is the arrantest whore that ever wore a +petticoat, and I'm dying for love of her.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ha! ha! ha!—are you in love with her +person or her virtue, brother Scrub?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> I should like virtue best, because it is more +durable than beauty; for virtue holds good with some +women long and many a day after they have lost it.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> In the country, I grant ye, where no woman's +virtue is lost, till a bastard be found.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ay, could I bring her to a bastard, I should +have her all to myself; but I dare not put it upon +that lay, for fear of being sent for a soldier.—Pray, +brother, how do you gentlemen in London like that +same pressing act?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Very ill, brother Scrub;<span class="nowrap">——</span>'Tis the worst +that ever was made for us;—formerly I remembered +the good days when we could dun our masters for our +wages, and if they refused to pay us, we could have a +warrant to carry them before a justice: but now if we +talk of eating, they have a warrant for us and carry +us before three justices.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> And to be sure we go, if we talk of eating; +for the justices won't give their own servants a bad +example. Now this is my misfortune—I dare not +speak in the house, while that jade, Gipsey, dings about +like a fury<span class="nowrap">——</span>once I had the better end of the +staff.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And how comes the change now?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Why, the mother of all this mischief is a +priest.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> A priest!</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ay, a damn'd son of a whore of Babylon, +that came over hither to say grace to the French officers, +and eat up our provisions—There's not a day +goes over his head without a dinner or supper in this +house.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> How came he so familiar in the family?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Because he speaks English as if he had lived +here all his life, and tells lies as if he had been a traveller +from his cradle.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And this priest, I'm afraid, has converted the +affection of your Gipsey.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Converted! ay, and perverted, my dear +friend—for, I'm afraid he has made her a whore, and +a papist—but this is not all; there's the French count +and Mrs. Sullen, they're in the confederacy, and for +some private ends of their own too, to be sure.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> A very hopeful family yours, brother +Scrub; I suppose the maiden lady has her lover +too?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Not that I know—She's the best of them, +that's the truth on't: but they take care to prevent +my curiosity, by giving me so much business, that I'm +a perfect slave—What d'ye think is my place in this +family?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Butler, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ah, lord help you—I'll tell you—Of a +Monday I drive the coach, of a Tuesday I drive the +plough, on Wednesday I follow the hounds, a Thursday +I dun the tenants, on Friday I go to market, +on Saturday I draw warrants, and a Sunday I draw +beer.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ha! ha! ha! if variety be a pleasure in life, +you have enough on't, my dear brother<span class="nowrap">——</span>but what +ladies are those?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ours, ours; that upon the right hand is Mrs. +Sullen, and the other Mrs. Dorinda<span class="nowrap">——</span>don't mind +them, sit still, man<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I have heard my brother talk of Lord +Aimwell, but they say that his brother is the finer +gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> That's impossible, sister.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> He's vastly rich, and very close, they +say.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> No matter for that; if I can creep into his +heart, I'll open his breast, I warrant him: I have heard +say, that people may be guessed at by the behaviour +of their servants; I could wish we might talk to that +fellow.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> So do I; for I think he's a very pretty +fellow; come this way, I'll throw out a lure for him +presently.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They walk towards the opposite Side of the<br /> +Stage;</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span> <i>drops her Fan</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span><br /> +<i>runs, takes it up, and gives it to her</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Corn, wine, and oil, indeed<span class="nowrap">——</span>but, I think +the wife has the greatest plenty of flesh and blood; +she should be my choice—Ay, ay, say you so—madam—your +ladyship's fan.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> O, sir, I thank you—What a handsome +bow the fellow made!</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Bow! why I have known several footmen +come down from London, set up here for dancing +masters, and carry off the best fortunes in the +country.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] That project, for aught I know, had +been better than ours<span class="nowrap">——</span>Brother Scrub, why don't +you introduce me?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ladies, this is the strange gentleman's servant, +that you saw at church to-day: I understood he came +from London, and so I invited him to the cellar, that +he might show me the newest flourish in whetting +my knives.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> And I hope you have made much of him.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Oh, yes, madam, but the strength of your +ladyship's liquor is a little too potent for the constitution +of your humble servant.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What, then you don't usually drink +ale?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No, madam, my constant drink is tea, or a +little wine and water; 'tis prescribed me by the physician, +for a remedy against the spleen—</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> O la! O la!—A footman have the spleen!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I thought that distemper had been only +proper to people of quality.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Madam, like all other fashions, it wears out, +and so descends to their servants; though in a great +many of us, I believe it proceeds from some melancholy +particles in the blood, occasioned by the stagnation +of wages.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> How affectedly the fellow talks<span class="nowrap">——</span>How long, +pray, have you served your present master?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Not long; my life has been mostly spent in +the service of the ladies.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> And pray, which service do you like +best?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Madam, the ladies pay best; the honour of +serving them is sufficient wages; there is a charm in +their looks, that delivers a pleasure with their commands, +and gives our duty the wings of inclination.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> That flight was above the pitch of a livery; +and, sir, would not you be satisfied to serve a +lady again?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> As groom of the chambers, madam, but not +as a footman.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I suppose you served as footman +before?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> For that reason I would not serve in that +post again; for my memory is too weak for the load +of messages that the ladies lay upon their servants +in London: my Lady Howd'ye, the last mistress I +served, called me up one morning, and told me, Martin, +go to my Lady Allnight, with my humble service; +tell her, I was to wait on her ladyship yesterday, and +left word with Mrs. Rebecca, that the preliminaries +of the affair she knows of, are stopped till we know the +concurrence of the person that I know of; for which +there are circumstances wanting which we shall accommodate +at the old place; but that in the mean time +there is a person about her ladyship, that, from several +hints and surmises, was accessary at a certain time +to the disappointments that naturally attend things, +that to her knowledge are of more importance<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left" valign="bottom"><i>Mrs. Sul.</i></td><td align="center" valign="top" rowspan="4"><span class="bmouch">}</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> </td><td>Ha! ha! where are you going, sir?<span class="ind6"> </span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left" valign="bottom"><i>Dor.</i></td><td> </td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Why, I han't half done<span class="nowrap">——</span>The whole howd'ye +was about half an hour long; so I happened to misplace +two syllables, and, was turned off, and rendered +incapable<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> The pleasantest fellow, sister, I ever saw.—But, +friend, if your master be married,<span class="nowrap">——</span>I presume +you still serve a lady.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No, madam, I take care never to come into +a married family; the commands of the master and +mistress are always so contrary, that 'tis impossible to +please both.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> There's a main point gained<span class="nowrap">——</span>My lord is +not married, I find. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> But I wonder, friend, that in so many +good services, you had not a better provision made +for you.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I don't know how, madam<span class="nowrap">——</span>I am very +well as I am<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Something for a pair of gloves.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Offering him Money.</i></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I humbly beg leave to be excused; my master, +madam, pays me, nor dare I take money from any +other hand, without injuring his honour, and disobeying +his commands.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Brother Martin, brother Martin.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What do you say, brother Scrub?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Take the money, and give it to me.</p> + + <p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>. + </p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> This is surprising: did you ever see so pretty +a well-bred fellow?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The devil take him, for wearing that livery.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I fancy, sister, he may be some gentleman, a +friend of my lord's, that his lordship has pitched upon +for his courage, fidelity, and discretion, to bear him +company in this dress, and who, ten to one, was his +second.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> It is so, it must be so, and it shall be so—for +I like him.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> What! better than the count?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The count happened to be the most agreeable +man upon the place; and so I chose him to serve +me in my design upon my husband<span class="nowrap">——</span>But I should +like this fellow better in a design upon myself.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But now, sister, for an interview with this +lord and this gentleman; how shall we bring that +about?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Patience! you country ladies give no +quarter.—Lookye, Dorinda, if my Lord Aimwell +loves you or deserves you, he'll find a way to see you, +and there we must leave it<span class="nowrap">——</span>My business comes +now upon the tapis,<span class="nowrap">——</span>Have you prepared your +brother?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Yes, yes.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> And how did he relish it?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> He said little, mumbled something to himself, +and promised to be guided by me: but here he +comes.—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sullen</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> What singing was that I heard just now?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The singing in your head, my dear, you +complained of it all day.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> You're impertinent.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I was ever so, since I became one flesh +with you.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> One flesh! rather two carcases joined unnaturally +together.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Or rather a living soul coupled to a dead +body.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> So, this is fine encouragement for me!</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Yes, my wife shows you what you must do!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> And my husband shows you what you +must suffer.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> 'Sdeath, why can't you be silent?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> 'Sdeath, why can't you talk?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Do you talk to any purpose?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Do you think to any purpose?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Sister, harkye—[<i>Whispers.</i>] I shan't be home +till it be late. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What did he whisper to ye?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> That he would go round the back way, come +into the closet, and listen, as I directed him.—But +let me beg once more, dear sister, to drop this project; +for, as I told you before, instead of awaking him to +kindness, you may provoke him to rage; and then +who knows how far his brutality may carry him?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I'm provided to receive him, I warrant +you; away! <span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> + +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE FOURTH.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I.</h4> +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>A Gallery in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful's</span> <i>House</i>.</p> + + <p class="noindent"> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen, Dorinda</span><br /> +<i>meeting them</i> + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> News, dear sister, news, news!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>, <i>running</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Where, where is my Lady Bountiful?<span class="nowrap">——</span>Pray +which is the old lady of you three?</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> I am.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> O madam, the fame of your ladyship's charity, +goodness, benevolence, skill, and ability, have +drawn me hither, to implore your ladyship's help in +behalf of my unfortunate master, who is at this moment +breathing his last.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Your master! where is he?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> At your gate, madam: drawn by the appearance +of your handsome house, to view it nearer, and +walking up the avenue, within five paces of the courtyard, +he was taken ill of a sudden, with a sort of I know +not what: but down he fell, and there he lies.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Here, Scrub, Gipsey.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">All run, get my easy-chair down stairs, put the gentleman +in it, and bring him in quickly, quickly.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Heaven will reward your ladyship for this +charitable act.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Is your master used to these fits?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> O yes, madam, frequently—I have known +him have five or six of a night.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> What's his name?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Lord, madam, he's dying; a minute's care +or neglect may save or destroy his life.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Ah, poor gentleman! come, friend, show +me the way; I'll see him brought in myself.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exit with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Oh, sister, my heart flutters about strangely; +I can hardly forbear running to his assistance.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> And I'll lay my life he deserves your assistance +more than he wants it: did not I tell you +that my lord would find a way to come at you? Love's +his distemper, and you must be the physician; put on +all your charms, summon all your fire into your eyes, +plant the whole artillery of your looks against his +breast, and down with him.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> O, sister, I'm but a young gunner, I shall be +afraid to shoot, for fear the piece should recoil, and +hurt myself.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Never fear, you shall see me shoot before +you, if you will.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> No, no, dear sister, you have missed your +mark so unfortunately, that I shan't care for being instructed +by you.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span>, <i>in a Chair, carried by</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>and</i><br /> +<span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>; <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span><br /> +<i>counterfeiting a Swoon</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Here, here, let's see—the hartshorn drops—Gipsey, +a glass of fair water, his fit's very strong.—Bless +me, how his hands are clenched!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> For shame, ladies, what d'ye do? why don't +you help us?—Pray, madam, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>.] take +his hand, and open it, if you can, whilst I hold his +head.</p> +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span> <i>takes his Hand</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Poor gentleman—Oh—he has got my hand +within his, and squeezes it unmercifully<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> 'Tis the violence of his convulsion, child.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Oh, madam, he's perfectly possessed in these +cases—he'll bite you, if you don't have a care.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Oh, my hand, my hand!</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> What's the matter with the foolish girl? I +have got this hand open you see with a great deal of +ease.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, but, madam, your daughter's hand is +somewhat warmer than your ladyship's, and the heat +of it draws the force of the spirits that way.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I find, friend, you are very learned in these +sort of fits.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Tis no wonder, madam, for I'm often troubled +with them myself; I find myself extremely ill +at this minute.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Looking hard at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] I fancy I could find a way to +cure you.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> His fit holds him very long.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Longer than usual, madam.<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Where did his illness take him first, +pray!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> To-day, at church, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> In what manner was he taken?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Very strangely, my lady. He was of a sudden +touched with something in his eyes, which at the +first he only felt, but could not tell whether 'twas pain +or pleasure.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Wind, nothing but wind.<span class="nowrap">——</span>Your master +should never go without a bottle to smell to<span class="nowrap">——</span>Oh!<span class="nowrap">——</span>he +recovers<span class="nowrap">——</span>the lavender water<span class="nowrap">——</span>some +feathers to burn under his nose—Hungary water to +rub his temples<span class="nowrap">——</span>Oh, he comes to himself. Hem a +little, sir, hem<span class="nowrap">——</span>Gipsey, bring the cordial water.</p> + +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span> <i>seems to awake in amaze</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> How do you, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Where am I? <span class="ind6">[<i>Rising.</i></span><br /> +Sure I have passed the gulf of silent death,<br /> +And now am landed on the Elysian shore.<br /> +Behold the goddess of those happy plains,<br /> +Fair Proserpine—let me adore thy bright divinity.<br /> +</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Kneels to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>, <i>and kisses her Hand</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> So, so, so; I knew where the fit would +end.</p> + +<p> +<i>Aim.</i> Eurydice, perhaps<span class="nowrap">——</span><br /> +How could thy Orpheus keep his word,<br /> +And not look back upon thee;<br /> +No treasure but thyself could sure have brib'd him<br /> +To look one minute off thee.<br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Delirious, poor gentleman.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Very delirious, madam, very delirious.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Martin's voice, I think.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Yes, my lord—How does your lordship?</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Lord! did you mind that, girls?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Where am I?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> In very good hands, sir—You were taken +just now with one of your old fits, under the trees, +just by this good lady's house; her ladyship had you +taken in, and has miraculously brought you to yourself, +as you see<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I am so confounded with shame, madam, that +I can now only beg pardon<span class="nowrap">——</span>And refer my acknowledgments +for your ladyship's care till an opportunity +offers of making some amends—I dare be no longer +troublesome—Martin, give two guineas to the servants. <span class="ex">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Sir, you may catch cold by going so soon into +the air; you don't look, sir, as if you were perfectly +recovered.</p> + +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>talks to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful</span> <i>in dumb Show</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> That I shall never be, madam: my present +illness is so rooted, that I must expect to carry it to +my grave.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Come, sir, your servant has been telling +me that you are apt to relapse, if you go into the air—Your +good manners shan't get the better of ours—You +shall sit down again, sir:—Come, sir, we don't +mind ceremonies in the country—Here, Gipsey, bring +the cordial water.—Here, sir, my service t'ye<span class="nowrap">——</span>You +shall taste my water; 'tis a cordial, I can assure you, +and of my own making.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Yes, my lady makes very good water.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Drink it off, sir: [<span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span> <i>drinks</i>.] And +how d'ye find yourself now, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Somewhat better<span class="nowrap">——</span>though very faint still.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Ay, ay, people are always faint after these +fits. Come, girls, you shall show the gentleman the +house; 'tis but an old family building, sir; but you +had better walk about, and cool by degrees, than venture +immediately into the air<span class="nowrap">——</span>You'll find some +tolerable pictures—Dorinda, show the gentleman the +way. I must go to the poor woman below. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> This way, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Ladies, shall I beg leave for my servant to +wait on you, for he understands pictures very well.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Sir, we understand originals, as well as +he does pictures, so he may come along.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span><br /> +<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>—<span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span> <i>sits down</i>.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> 'Save you, master Scrub.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Sir, I won't be saved your way<span class="nowrap">——</span>I hate a +priest, I abhor the French, and I defy the devil—Sir, +I'm a bold Briton, and will spill the last drop of my +blood to keep out popery and slavery.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Master Scrub, you would put me down in +politics, and so I would be speaking with Mrs. Gipsey.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Good Mr. Priest, you can't speak with her; +she's sick, sir; she's gone abroad, sir; she's—dead two +months ago, sir.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> How now, impudence! How dare you talk +so saucily to the doctor? Pray, sir, don't take it ill; +for the common people of England are not so civil to +strangers, as<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> You lie, you lie:—'tis the common people, +such as you are, that are civilest to strangers.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Sirrah, I have a good mind to—Get you out, +I say!</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> I won't!</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> You won't, sauce-box!—Pray, doctor, what +is the captain's name that came to your inn last +night?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> The captain! ah, the devil, there she hampers +me again;—the captain has me on one side, and +the priest on t'other:—So between the gown and the +sword, I have a fine time on't.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> What, sirrah, won't you march?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> No, my dear, I won't march—but I'll walk:—And +I'll make bold to listen a little too.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Goes behind the Side Scene, and listens.</i></p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Indeed, doctor, the count has been barbarously +treated, that's the truth on't.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Ah, Mrs. Gipsey, upon my shoul, now, gra, +his complainings would mollify the marrow in your +bones, and move the bowels of your commiseration; +he veeps, and he dances, and he fistles, and he swears, +and he laughs, and he stamps, and he sings: in conclusion, +joy, he's afflicted, <i>à la François</i>, and a stranger, +would not know whider to cry or to laugh with +him.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> What would you have me do, doctor?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Nothing, joy, but only hide the count in Mrs. +Sullen's closet, when it is dark.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Nothing! Is that nothing? it would be both +a sin and a shame, doctor.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Here is twenty Louis d'ors, joy, for your +shame; and I will give you an absolution for the shin.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> But won't that money look like a bribe?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Dat is according as you shall take it—If +you receive the money before hand, 'twill be <i>logicè</i>, a +bribe; but if you stay till afterwards, 'twill be only +a gratification.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Well, doctor, I'll take it <i>logicè</i><span class="nowrap">——</span>But what +must I do with my conscience, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Leave dat wid me, joy; I am your priest, +gra; and your conscience is under my hands.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> But should I put the count into the closet—</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Vell, is dere any shin for a man's being in a +closhet? one may go to prayers in a closhet.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> But if the lady should come into her chamber +and go to bed?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Vel, and is dere any shin in going to bed, +joy?</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Ah, but if the parties should meet, doctor?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Vel den<span class="nowrap">——</span>the parties must be responsible.—Do +you begone after putting the count in the closhet; +and leave the shins wid themselves—I will come +with the count to instruct you in your chamber.</p> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Well, doctor, your religion is so pure, that +I'm resolved to die a martyr to't<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here's the key of +the garden door; come in the back way, when 'tis +late—I'll be ready to receive you; but don't so much +as whisper, only take hold of my hand; I'll lead you, +and do you lead the count, and follow me. <span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> What witchcraft now have these two imps +of the devil been a-hatching here?—There's twenty +Louis d'ors! I heard that, and saw the purse: but I +must give room to my betters. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span>, <i>leading</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>, <i>and making love<br /> +in dumb Show</i>; <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Pray, sir, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.] how d'ye like +that piece?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> O, 'tis Leda—You find, madam, how Jupiter +came disguised to make love—</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Pray, sir, what head is that in the corner, +there?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> O, madam, 'tis poor Ovid in his exile.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What was he banished for?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> His ambitious love, madam. [<i>Bowing.</i>] His +misfortune touches me.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Was he successful in his amours?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> There he has left us in the dark—He was +too much a gentleman to tell.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> If he were secret, I pity him.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And if he were successful I envy him.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> How d'ye like that Venus over the chimney?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Venus! I protest, madam, I took it for your +picture: but now I look again, 'tis not handsome +enough.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Oh, what a charm is flattery! if you +would see my picture, there it is, over that cabinet—How +d'ye like it?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I must admire any thing, madam, that has +the least resemblance of you<span class="nowrap">——</span>But methinks, madam,—[<i>He +looks at the Picture and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span> +<i>Three or Four Times, by Turns</i>.] Pray, madam, who +drew it?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> A famous hand, sir.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> A famous hand, madam! Your eyes, indeed, +are featured there; but where's the sparkling moisture, +shining fluid, in which they swim? The picture, +indeed, has your dimples, but where's the swarm of +killing Cupids, that should ambush there? The lips +too are figured out; but where's the carnation dew, +the pouting ripeness that tempts the taste in the original?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Had it been my lot to have matched with +such a man! <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Your breasts too; presumptuous man! what! +paint heaven! Apropos, madam, in the very next +picture is Salmoneus, that was struck dead with lightning, +for offering to imitate Jove's thunder; I hope +you served the painter so, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Had my eyes the power of thunder, they +should employ their lightning better.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> There's the finest bed in that room, madam; +I suppose 'tis your ladyship's bedchamber?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> And what then, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I think the quilt is the richest that ever I +saw<span class="nowrap">——</span>I can't at this distance, madam, distinguish +the figures of the embroidery: will you give me +leave, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The devil take his impudence—Sure, if +I gave him an opportunity, he durst not offer it—I +have a great mind to try.—[<i>Going.—Returns.</i>] 'Sdeath, +what am I doing?—And alone too;<span class="nowrap">——</span>Sister, sister! <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I'll follow her close<span class="nowrap">——</span><br /> +For where a Frenchman durst attempt to storm,<br /> +A Briton, sure may well the work perform. <span class="ex">[<i>Going.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Martin, brother Martin!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> O brother Scrub, I beg your pardon, I was +not a-going: here's a guinea my master ordered you.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> A guinea! hi, hi, hi, a guinea! eh<span class="nowrap">——</span>by +this light it is a guinea; but I suppose you expect one +and twenty shillings in change.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Not at all; I have another for Gipsey.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> A guinea for her! Fire and faggot for the +witch.<span class="nowrap">——</span>Sir, give me that guinea, and I'll discover +a plot.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> A plot?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ay, sir, a plot, a horrid plot—First, it must +be a plot, because there's a woman in't: secondly, it +must be a plot, because there's a priest in't: thirdly, +it must be a plot, because there's French gold in't: +and fourthly, it must be a plot, because I don't know +what to make on't.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Nor any body else, I'm afraid, brother +Scrub.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Truly I'm afraid so too; for where there's +a priest and a woman, there's always a mystery and a +riddle—This, I know, that here has been the doctor +with a temptation in one hand, and an absolution in +the other, and Gipsey has sold herself to the devil; I +saw the price paid down, my eyes shall take their +oath on't.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And is all this bustle about Gipsey?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> That's not all; I could hear but a word here +and there; but I remember they mentioned a count, +a closet, a back door, and a key.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> The count! did you hear nothing of Mrs. +Sullen?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> I did hear some word that sounded that +way: but whether it was Sullen or Dorinda I could +not distinguish.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> You have told this matter to nobody, brother?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Told! no, sir, I thank you for that; I'm resolved +never to speak one word, <i>pro</i> nor <i>con</i>, till we +have a peace.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> You are i'the right, brother Scrub; here's a +treaty a-foot between the count and the lady.—The +priest and the chambermaid are plenipotentiaries<span class="nowrap">——</span>It +shall go hard, but I'll find a way to be included in +the treaty. Where's the doctor now?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> He and Gipsey are this moment devouring +my lady's marmalade in the closet.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> [<i>From without.</i>] Martin, Martin!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I come, sir, I come.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> But you forget the other guinea, brother +Martin.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Here, I give it with all my heart.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> And I take it with all my soul. I'cod, I'll +spoil your plotting, Mrs. Gipsey; and if you should +set the captain upon me, these two guineas will buy +me off.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>, <i>meeting</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Well, sister.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> And well, sister.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What's become of my lord?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> What's become of his servant?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Servant! he's a prettier fellow and a +finer gentleman by fifty degrees than his master.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> O' my conscience, I fancy you could beg that +fellow at the gallows' foot.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> O' my conscience, I could, provided I +could put a friend of yours in his room.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> You desired me, sister, to leave you, when you +transgressed the bounds of honour.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Thou dear censorious country girl—What +dost mean? You can't think of the man without +the bedfellow, I find.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I don't find any thing unnatural in that thought.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> How a little love and conversation improve +a woman! Why, child, you begin to live—you +never spoke before.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Because I was never spoke to before: my +lord has told me, that I have more wit and beauty +than any of my sex; and truly I begin to think the +man is sincere.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> You are in the right, Dorinda; pride is +the life of a woman, and flattery is our daily bread—But +I'll lay you a guinea that I had finer things said +to me than you had.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Done<span class="nowrap">——</span>What did your fellow say to ye?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> My fellow took the picture of Venus for +mine.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But my lover took me for Venus herself.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Common cant! had my spark called +me a Venus directly, I should have believed him a +footman in good earnest.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> But my lover was upon his knees to me.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> And mine was upon his tiptoes to me.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Mine vowed to die for me.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Mine swore to die with me.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Mine kissed my hand ten thousand times.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Mine has all that pleasure to come.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Mine spoke the softest moving things.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Ay, ay, mine had his moving things +too.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Mine offered marriage.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> O lard! d'ye call that a moving thing?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> The sharpest arrow in his quiver, my dear sister; +Why, my twenty thousand pounds may lie brooding +here this seven years, and hatch nothing at last +but some illnatured clown, like yours;—Whereas, if +I marry my Lord Aimwell, there will be title, place, +and precedence, the park, the play, and the drawing-room, +splendour, equipage, noise, and flambeaux—Hey, +my Lady Aimwell's servants there—lights, lights to +the stairs—My Lady Aimwell's coach, put forward—stand +by; make room for her ladyship<span class="nowrap">——</span>Are not +these things moving? What! melancholy of a sudden?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Happy, happy sister! your angel has +been watchful for your happiness, whilst mine has +slept, regardless of his charge<span class="nowrap">——</span>Long smiling years +of circling joys for you, but not one hour for me! <span class="ex">[<i>Weeps.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Come, my dear, we'll talk of something +else.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> O, Dorinda, I own myself a woman, full +of my sex, a gentle, generous soul—easy and yielding +to soft desires; a spacious heart, where love and all his +train might lodge; and must the fair apartment of +my breast be made a stable for a brute to lie in?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Meaning your husband, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Husband!—Even husband is too soft +a name for him.—But, come, I expect my brother +here to-night or to-morrow; he was abroad when my +father married me: perhaps he'll find a way to make +me easy.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Will you promise not to make yourself uneasy +in the mean time with my lord's friend?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> You mistake me, sister—It happens with +us as among the men, the greatest talkers are the greatest +cowards; and there's a reason for it; those spirits +evaporate in prattle, which might do more mischief +if they took another course<span class="nowrap">——</span>Though, to confess +the truth, I do love that fellow;—and if I met him +dressed as he should be,<span class="nowrap">——</span>Lookye, sister, I have no +supernatural gifts;<span class="nowrap">——</span>I can't swear I could resist +the temptation<span class="nowrap">——</span>though I can safely promise to +avoid it; and that's as much as the best of us can do. +<span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>The Inn.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>laughing</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And the awkward kindness of the good motherly +old gentlewoman<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And the coming easiness of the young one—'Sdeath, +'tis pity to deceive her.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Nay, if you adhere to those principles, stop +where you are.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I can't stop; for I love her to distraction.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Sdeath, if you love her a hair's breadth beyond +discretion, you must go no farther.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Well, well, any thing to deliver us from sauntering +away our idle evenings at White's, Tom's, or +Will's—But now<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, now is the time to prevent all this—Strike +while the iron is hot—The priest is the luckiest +part of our adventure; he shall marry you, and pimp +for me. But here comes the doctor; I shall be +ready.<span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Shave you, noble friend.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> O sir, your servant; Pray, doctor, may I +crave your name?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Fat naam is upon me? My naam is Foigard, +joy.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Foigard! a very good name for a clergyman; +Pray, Doctor Foigard, were you ever in Ireland?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Ireland! No, joy:—Fat sort of plaace +is dat shame Ireland? Dey say de people are catched +dere when dey are young.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And some of them here, when they are old;—as +for example—[<i>Takes</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span> <i>by the Shoulder</i>.] +Sir, I arrest you as a traitor against the government; +you are a subject of England, and this morning showed +me a commission, by which you served as chaplain in +the French army: This is death by our law, and your +reverence must hang for't.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my shoul, noble friend, dis is strange +news you tell me, Fader Foigard a subject of England—de +son of a Burgomaster of Brussels a subject of +England, Ubooboo—</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> The son of a bog trotter in Ireland: sir, your +tongue will condemn you before any bench in the kingdom.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> And is my tongue all your evidensh, joy?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> That's enough.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> No, no, joy, for I will never spaake de English +no more.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Sir, I have other evidence.—Here, Martin, +you know this fellow.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> [<i>In a Brogue.</i>] Shave you, my dear cussen, +how does your health?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Ah! upon my shoul dere is my countryman +and his brogue will hang mine. [<i>Aside.</i>] <i>Mynhere, +ick wet neat wat hey zacht, ick univirston ewe, neat, sacrament.</i></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Altering your language won't do, sir, this fellow +knows your person, and will swear to your face.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Faash! fey, is dere brogue upon my faash +too?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Upon my shalvation dere ish, joy,<span class="nowrap">——</span>But, +Cussen Mackshane, vill you not put a remembrance +upon me?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Mackshane! by St. Patrick, dat is my naam +shure enough. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I fancy, Archer, you have it.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> The devil hang you, joy<span class="nowrap">——</span>By fat acquaintance +are you my cussen?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> O, de devil hang your shelf, joy; you know +we were little boys togeder upon de school, and your +foster moder's son was married upon my nurse's chister, +joy, and so we are Irish cussens.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> De devil taake de relation! Vel, joy, and fat +school was it?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I think it vas—aay—'Twas Tipperary.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Now, upon my shoul, joy, it was Kilkenny.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> That's enough for us—self confession—Come, +sir, we must deliver you into the hands of the next +magistrate.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> He sends you to gaol, you are tried next assizes, +and away you go swing into purgatory.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> And is it sho wid you cussen?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> It will be sho wid you, cussen, if you don't +immediately confess the secret between you and Mrs. +Gipsey—Lookye, sir, the gallows or the secret, take +your choice.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> The gallows! upon my shoul I hate that +shame gallows, for it is a diseash dat is fatal to our +family.—Vel den, there is nothing, shentlemens, but +Mrs. Sullen would spaak wid the count in her chamber +at midnight, and dere is no harm, joy, for I am +to conduct the count to the plaash myself.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> As I guessed.<span class="nowrap">——</span>Have you communicated +the matter to the count?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> I have not sheen him since.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Right again; why then, doctor;—you shall +conduct me to the lady instead of the count.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Fat, my cussen to the lady! upon my shoul, +gra, dat's too much upon the brogue.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Come, come, doctor, consider we have got +a rope about your neck, and if you offer to squeak, +we'll stop your windpipe, most certainly; we shall +have another job for you in a day or two, I hope.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Here's company coming this way; let's into +my chamber, and there concert our affairs further.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Come, my dear cussen, come along.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Arra, the devil taake our relashion. <span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface, Hounslow</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Bagshot</span>, <i>at one<br /> +Door</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span> <i>at the opposite</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Well, gentlemen, 'tis a fine night for our enterprize.</p> + +<p><i>Houns.</i> Dark as hell.</p> + +<p><i>Bag.</i> And blows like the devil: our landlord here +has shown us the window where we must break in, and +tells us the plate stands in the wainscot cupboard in +the parlour.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Ay, ay, Mr. Bagshot, as the saying is, knives +and forks, cups and cans, tumblers and tankards.—There's +one tankard, as the saying is, that's near upon +as big as me: it was a present to the 'squire from his +godmother, and smells of nutmeg and toast, like an +East India ship.</p> + +<p><i>Houns.</i> Then you say we must divide at the stair-head.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Yes, Mr. Hounslow, as the saying is<span class="nowrap">——</span>at +one end of the gallery lies my Lady Bountiful and her +daughter, and at the other, Mrs. Sullen—as for +the 'squire.<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> He's safe enough; I have fairly entered him, +and he's more than half seas over already—But such +a parcel of scoundrels are got about him there, that, +egad, I was ashamed to be seen in their company.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> 'Tis now twelve, as the saying is—gentlemen, +you must set out at one.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Hounslow, do you and Bagshot see our arms +fixed, and I'll come to you presently.</p> + +<p><i>Houns. and Bag.</i> We will.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Hounslow</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Bagshot</span>. +</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Well, my dear Bonny, you assure me that +Scrub is a coward.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> A chicken, as the saying is—you'll have no +creature to deal with but the ladies.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> And I can assure you, friend, there's a great +deal of address and good manners in robbing a lady: +I am the most a gentleman that way that ever travelled +the road.—But, my dear Bonny, this prize will +be a galleon, a Vigo business<span class="nowrap">——</span>I warrant you, we +shall bring off three or four thousand pounds.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> In plate, jewels, and money, as the saying is, +you may.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Why, then, Tyburn, I defy thee: I'll get up +to town, sell off my horse and arms, buy myself +some pretty employment in the law, and be as snug +and as honest as e'er a long gown of them all.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> And what think you, then, of my daughter +Cherry for a wife?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Lookye, my dear Bonny, <i>Cherry is the goddess +I adore</i>, as the song goes; but it is a maxim, that +man and wife should never have it in their power to +hang one another; for, if they should, the Lord have +mercy upon them both. <span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h3>ACT THE FIFTH.</h3> +<h4>SCENE I.</h4> +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>The Inn.<br /> +<br /> +Knocking without.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Boniface</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Coming, coming—a coach and six foaming +horses at this time o'night! some great man, as the +saying is, for he scorns to travel with other people.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Charles Freeman</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> What, fellow! a public house, and abed +when other people sleep?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Sir, I an't abed, as the saying is.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> I see that, as the saying is! Is Mr. Sullen's +family abed, think ye?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> All but the 'squire himself, sir, as the saying +is; he's in the house.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> What company has he?</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Why, sir, there's the constable, Mr. Gage, the +exciseman, the hunch-backed barber, and two or three +other gentlemen.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> I find my sister's letters gave me the true +picture of her spouse.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sullen</span>, <i>drunk</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Sir, here's the 'squire.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> The puppies left me asleep<span class="nowrap">——</span>sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Well, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Sir, I am an unfortunate man—I have three +thousand pounds a year, and I can't get a man to +drink a cup of ale with me.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> That's very hard.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Ay, sir,—and unless you have pity upon me, +and smoke one pipe with me, I must e'en go home to +my wife, and I had rather go to the devil by half.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> But I presume, sir, you won't see your wife +to-night, she'll be gone to bed<span class="nowrap">——</span>you don't use to +lie with your wife in that pickle.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> What! not lie with my wife! Why, sir, do +you take me for an atheist, or a rake?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> If you hate her, sir, I think you had better +lie from her.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> I think so too, friend<span class="nowrap">——</span>but I am a justice +of peace, and must do nothing against the law.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Law! as I take it, Mr. Justice, nobody observes +law for law's sake, only for the good of those +for whom it was made.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> But if the law orders me to send you to gaol, +you must lie there, my friend.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Not unless I commit a crime to deserve it.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> A crime! oons, an't I married?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Nay, sir, if you call marriage a crime, you +must disown it for a law.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Eh!—I must be acquainted with you, sir,—but, +sir, I should be very glad to know the truth of +this matter.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Truth, sir, is a profound sea, and few there +be that dare wade deep enough to find out the bottom +on't. Besides, sir, I am afraid the line of your +understanding mayn't be long enough.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Lookye, sir, I have nothing to say to your +sea of truth; but if a good parcel of land can entitle +a man to a little truth, I have as much as any he in +the county.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> I never heard your worship, as the saying is, +talk so much before.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Because I never met with a man that I liked +before.</p> + +<p><i>Bon.</i> Pray, sir, as the saying is, let me ask you one +question: are not man and wife one flesh?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> You and your wife, Mr. Guts, may be one +flesh, because you are nothing else<span class="nowrap">——</span>but rational +creatures have minds that must be united.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Minds!</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Ay, minds, sir; don't you think that the +mind takes place of the body?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> In some people.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Then the interest of the master must be consulted +before that of his servant.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Sir, you shall dine with me to-morrow<span class="nowrap">——</span>Oons, +I always thought that we were naturally one.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Sir, I know that my two hands are naturally +one, because they love one another, kiss one +another, help one another in all the actions of life; +but I could not say so much if they were always at +cuffs.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Then 'tis plain that we are two.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Why don't you part with her, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Will you take her, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> With all my heart.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> You shall have her to-morrow morning, and a +venison pasty into the bargain.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> You'll let me have her fortune too?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Fortune! why, sir, I have no quarrel to her +fortune<span class="nowrap">——</span>I only hate the woman, sir, and none but +the woman shall go.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> But her fortune, sir<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Can you play at whist, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> No, truly, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Not at all-fours?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Neither.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Oons! where was this man bred? [<i>Aside.</i>] +Burn me, sir, I can't go home; 'tis but two +o'clock.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> For half an hour, sir, if you please—but +you must consider 'tis late.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Late! that is the reason I can't go to bed—Come, +sir<span class="nowrap">——</span><span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> +<p> </p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Cherry</span>; <i>she runs across the Stage, and knocks<br /> +at</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell's</span> <i>Chamber Door</i>.<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What's the matter? you tremble, child; you +are frighted!</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> No wonder, sir—but, in short, sir, this very +minute a gang of rogues are gone to rob my Lady +Bountiful's house.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> How!</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> I dogged them to the very door, and left +them breaking in.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Have you alarmed any body else with the +news?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> No, no, sir; I wanted to have discovered the +whole plot, and twenty other things, to your man, +Martin; but I have searched the whole house, and +can't find him; where is he?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> No matter, child; will you guide me immediately +to the house?</p> + +<p><i>Cher.</i> With all my heart, sir: my Lady Bountiful +is my godmother, and I love Mrs. Dorinda so well—</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Dorinda! the name inspires me! the glory +and the danger shall be all my own<span class="nowrap">——</span>Come, my +life, let me but get my sword. <span class="ex">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE II.</h4> +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>A Bedchamber in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful's</span> <i>House</i>.<br /> +<br /> +<span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span> <i>discovered; a Table<br /> +and Lights</i>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> 'Tis very late, sister; no news of your spouse +yet?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> No; I'm condemned to be alone till towards +four, and then, perhaps, I may be executed +with his company.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Well, my dear, I'll leave you to your rest; +you'll go directly to bed, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I don't know what to do; heigho!</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> That's a desiring sigh, sister.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> This is a languishing hour, sister.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> And might prove a critical minute, if the +pretty fellow were here.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Here? what, in my bedchamber, at two +o'clock i'th' morning, I undressed, the family asleep, +my hated husband abroad, and my lovely fellow at +my feet!<span class="nowrap">——</span>O, gad, sister!</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Thoughts are free, sister, and them I allow +you—So, my dear, good night. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> A good rest to my dear Dorinda<span class="nowrap">——</span>Thoughts +free! are they so? why, then, suppose him +here, dressed like a youthful, gay, and burning +bridegroom, [<span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>steals out of the Closet</i>.] with +tongue enchanting, eyes bewitching, knees imploring +[<i>Turns a little on one Side, and sees</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>in the +Posture she describes</i>.]—Ah! [<i>Shrieks, and runs to the +other Side of the Stage.</i>]. Have my thoughts raised a +spirit? What are you, sir? a man, or a devil?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> A man, a man, madam. <span class="ex">[<i>Rising.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> How shall I be sure of it?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Madam, I'll give you demonstration this +minute.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Takes her Hand.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What, sir! do you intend to be rude?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Yes, madam, if you please.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> In the name of wonder, whence came +ye?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> From the skies, madam—I'm a Jupiter in +love, and you shall be my Alcmena.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> How came you in?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I flew in at the window, madam; your +cousin Cupid lent me his wings, and your sister Venus +opened the casement.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I'm struck dumb with admiration.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And I with wonder. <span class="ex">[<i>Looks passionately at her.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What will become of me?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> How beautiful she looks!<span class="nowrap">——</span>the teeming +jolly spring smiles in her blooming face, and when +she was conceived, her mother smelt to roses, looked +on lilies<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">Lilies unfold their white, their fragrant charms,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">When the warm sun thus darts into their arms.</td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p class="right">[<i>Runs to her.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Ah! <span class="ex">[<i>Shrieks.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Oons, madam, what do you mean? you'll +raise the house.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Sir, I'll wake the dead, before I bear +this. What! approach me with the freedoms of a +keeper! I'm glad on't; your impudence has cured +me.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> If this be impudence, [<i>Kneels.</i>] I leave to +your partial self; no panting pilgrim, after a tedious, +painful, voyage, e'er bowed before his saint with more +devotion.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Now, now, I'm ruined if he kneels. [<i>Aside.</i>] +Rise, thou prostrate engineer; not all thy undermining +skill shall reach my heart. Rise, and know +that I am a woman, without my sex; I can love to +all the tenderness of wishes, sighs, and tears—But go +no farther—Still, to convince you that I'm more +than woman, I can speak my frailty, confess my +weakness even for<span class="nowrap">——</span>But<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> For me!</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Going to lay hold on her.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Hold, sir; build not upon that—for my +most mortal hatred follows, if you disobey what I +command you now—leave me this minute—If he denies, +I'm lost. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Then you'll promise<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Any thing another time.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> When shall I come?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> To-morrow—when you will.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Your lips must seal the promise.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Pshaw!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> They must, they must. [<i>Kisses her.</i>] Raptures +and paradise! and why not now, my angel? +The time, the place, silence, and secrecy, all conspire—And +the now conscious stars have pre-ordained +this moment for my happiness.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Takes her in his Arms.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> You will not, cannot, sure.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> If the sun rides fast, and disappoints not +mortals of to-morrow's dawn, this night shall crown +my joys.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> My sex's pride assist me.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> My sex's strength help me.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> You shall kill me first.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I'll die with you. <span class="ex">[<i>Carrying her off.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Thieves! thieves! murder!<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>, <i>in his Breeches, and one Shoe</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Thieves! thieves! murder! popery!</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="Illustration"> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <a href="images/bs400.jpg"> + <img src="images/bs400.jpg" height="500" + alt="BOOK COVER" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <span class="caption">SCRUB—O PRAY SIR SPARE ALL I HAVE<br /> + AND TAKE MY LIFE.<br /> +ACT V SCENE III<br /> + Click to <a href="images/bs400.jpg">ENLARGE</a></span> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ha!</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Draws, and offers to stab</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> [<i>Kneeling.</i>] O pray, sir, spare all I have, +and take my life.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> [<i>Holding</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer's</span> <i>Hand</i>.] What does +the fellow mean?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> O, madam, down upon your knees, your +marrowbones<span class="nowrap">——</span>he's one of them.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Of whom?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> One of the rogues<span class="nowrap">——</span>I beg your pardon, +one of the honest gentlemen, that just now are broke +into the house.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> How!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I hope you did not come to rob me?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Indeed I did, madam, but I would have +taken nothing but what you might very well have +spared; but your crying, Thieves, has waked this +dreaming fool, and so he takes them for granted.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Granted! 'tis granted, sir; take all we +have.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The fellow looks as if he were broke out +of Bedlam.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Oons, madam, they're broke into the house +with fire and sword; I saw them, heard them, they'll +be here this minute.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What! thieves!</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Under favour, sir, I think so.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> What shall we do, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Madam, I wish your ladyship a good night.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Will you leave me?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Leave you! lord, madam, did not you command +me to begone just now, upon pain of your +immortal hatred.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Nay, but pray, sir<span class="nowrap">——</span><span class="ex">[<i>Takes hold of him.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ha! ha! ha! now comes my turn to be +ravished—You see now, madam, you must use men +one way or other; but take this by the way, good +madam, that none but a fool will give you the benefit +of his courage, unless you'll take his love along +with it—How are they armed, friend?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> With sword and pistol, sir.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>He gets under the Table.</i></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Hush!<span class="nowrap">——</span>I see a dark lanthorn coming +through the gallery<span class="nowrap">——</span>Madam, be assured I will +protect you, or lose my life.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Your life! no, sir, they can rob me of nothing +that I value half so much; therefore now, sir, +let me entreat you to begone.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No, madam, I'll consult my own safety, for +the sake of yours; I'll work by stratagem: have you +courage enough to stand the appearance of them?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Yes, yes; since I have escaped your +hands, I can face any thing.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Come hither, brother Scrub; don't you +know me?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Eh! my dear brother, let me kiss thee!</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Kisses</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> This way<span class="nowrap">——</span>Here<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span> <i>hide</i>.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span>, <i>with a dark Lanthorn in one Hand,<br /> +and a Pistol in the other</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Ay, ay, this is the chamber, and the lady +alone.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Who are you, sir? What would you +have? D'ye come to rob me?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Rob you! alack a day, madam, I'm only a +younger brother, madam; and so, madam, if you +make a noise, I'll shoot you through the head: but +don't be afraid, madam. [<i>Laying his Lanthorn and +Pistol upon the Table.</i>] These rings, madam; don't be +concerned, madam; I have a profound respect for +you, madam; your keys, madam; don't be frighted, +madam; I'm the most of a gentleman. [<i>Searching her +Pockets.</i>] This necklace, madam; I never was rude +to any lady! I have a veneration—for this necklace.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Here</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>, <i>having come round, and seized<br /> +the Pistol, takes</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span> <i>by the Collar, trips<br /> +up his Heels, and claps the Pistol to his Breast</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Hold, profane villain, and take the reward +of thy sacrilege.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Oh! pray, sir, don't kill me; I an't prepared.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> How many is there of them, Scrub?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Five and forty, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Then I must kill the villain, to have him out +of the way.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Hold! hold! sir; we are but three, upon my +honour.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Scrub, will you undertake to secure him?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Not I, sir; kill him, kill him!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Run to Gipsey's chamber; there you'll find +the doctor; bring him hither presently. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>, +<i>running</i>.] Come, rogue, if you have a short prayer, +say it.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Sir, I have no prayer at all; the government +has provided a chaplain to say prayers for us on these +occasions.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Pray, sir, don't kill him: You fright me +as much as him.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> The dog shall die, madam, for being the occasion +of my disappointment.—Sirrah, this moment +is your last.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Sir, I'll give you two hundred pounds to spare +my life.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Have you no more, rascal?</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Yes, sir, I can command four hundred; but +I must reserve two of them to save my life at the +sessions.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Here, doctor: I suppose Scrub and you, between +you, may manage him:<span class="nowrap">——</span>Lay hold of him.</p> + +<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span> <i>lays hold of</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> What! turned over to the priest already<span class="nowrap">——</span>Lookye, +doctor, you come before your time; I an't +condemned yet, I thank ye.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Come, my dear joy, I vil secure your body +and your shoul too; I will make you a good catholic, +and give you an absolution.</p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Absolution! Can you procure me a pardon, +doctor?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> No, joy.<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Gib.</i> Then you and your absolution may go to the +devil.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Convey him into the cellar, there bind him:—Take +the pistol, and if he offers to resist, shoot him +through the head,—and come back to us with all the +speed you can.</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Ay, ay; come, doctor, do you hold him +fast, and I'll guard him.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Gibbet</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> But how came the doctor?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> In short, madam<span class="nowrap">——</span>[<i>Shrieking without.</i>] +'Sdeath! the rogues are at work with the other ladies:—I'm +vexed I parted with the pistol; but I must fly +to their assistance—Will you stay here, madam, or +venture yourself with me?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Oh, with you, dear sir, with you.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Takes him by the Arm, and exeunt.</i></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE III.</h4> + +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>Another Apartment.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Hounslow</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Bagshot</span>, <i>with Swords drawn,<br /> +dragging in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Bountiful</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Houns.</i> Come, come, your jewels, mistress.</p> + +<p><i>Bag.</i> Your keys, your keys, old gentlewoman.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Turn this way, villains; I durst engage an +army in such a cause.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>He engages them both.</i></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Hold! hold! my lord; every man his bird, +pray.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>They engage Man to Man; the Rogues are<br /> +thrown down, and disarmed.</i></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Shall we kill the rogues?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> No, no; we'll bind them.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, ay; here, madam, lend me your garter.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span>, <i>who stands by him</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> The devil's in this fellow; he fights, loves, +and banters all in a breath: here's a rope, that the +rogues brought with them, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Right, right, the rogue's destiny, a rope to +hang himself<span class="nowrap">——</span>Come, my lord,<span class="nowrap">——</span>this is but a +scandalous sort of an office, [<i>Binding the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Rogues</span> <i>together</i>.] +if our adventure should end in this sort of +hangmanwork; but I hope there is something in prospect +that—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Well, Scrub, have you secured your Tartar?</p> + +<p><i>Scrub.</i> Yes, sir, I left the priest and him disputing +about religion.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> And pray carry these gentlemen to reap the +benefit of the controversy.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Delivers the</i> <span class="smallcaps">Prisoners</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smallcaps">Scrub</span>,<br /> +<i>who leads them out</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Pray, sister, how came my lord here?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> And pray, how came the gentleman here?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I'll tell you the greatest piece of villainy—</p> +<p class="right">[<i>They talk in dumb Show.</i></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I fancy, Archer, you have been more successful +in your adventure than the housebreakers.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No matter for my adventure, yours is the +principal<span class="nowrap">——</span>Press her this minute to marry you,—now +while she's hurried between the palpitation of +her fear, and the joy of her deliverance, now while +the tide of her spirits are at high-flood:<span class="nowrap">——</span>throw +yourself at her feet, speak some romantic nonsense or +other;—confound her senses, bear down her reason, +and away with her:—The priest is now in the cellar, +and dare not refuse to do the work.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> But how shall I get off without being observed?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> You a lover, and not find a way to get off!—Let +me see.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> You bleed, Archer.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Sdeath, I'm glad on't; this wound will do +the business—I'll amuse the old lady and Mrs. Sullen +about dressing my wound, while you carry off +Dorinda.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Gentlemen, could we understand how you +would be gratified for the services<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Come, come, my lady, this is no time for +compliments; I'm wounded, madam.</p> + +<p><i>Lady B. and Mrs. Sul.</i> How! wounded!</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I hope, sir, you have received no hurt?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> None but what you may cure<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Makes love in dumb Show.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Let me see your arm, sir—I must have +some powder sugar, to stop the blood<span class="nowrap">——</span>O me! an +ugly gash; upon my word, sir, you must go into bed.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well<span class="nowrap">——</span>Madam, +[<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span>.] will you do me the favour +to conduct me to a chamber?</p> + +<p><i>Lady B.</i> Do, do, daughter,<span class="nowrap">——</span>while I get the lint, +and the probe, and plaister ready.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Runs out one Way</i>; <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span> <i>carries off</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span> +<i>another</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Come, madam, why don't you obey your +mother's commands?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> How can you, after what is past, have +the confidence to ask me?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And if you go to that, how can you, after +what is past, have the confidence to deny me?<span class="nowrap">——</span>Was +not this blood shed in your defence, and my life +exposed for your protection?—Lookye, madam, I'm +none of your romantic fools, that fight giants and +monsters for nothing; my valour is downright Swiss; +I am a soldier of fortune, and must be paid.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> 'Tis ungenerous in you, sir, to upbraid +me with your services.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Tis ungenerous in you, madam, not to reward +them.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> How! at the expense of my honour!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Honour! Can honour consist with ingratitude? +If you would deal like a woman of honour, do +like a man of honour: d'ye think I would deny you +in such a case?</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Gip.</i> Madam, my lady ordered me to tell you, +that your brother is below at the gate.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> My brother! Heavens be praised:—Sir, +he shall thank you for your services; he has it in his +power.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Who is your brother, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Sir Charles Freeman:<span class="nowrap">——</span>You'll excuse +me, sir; I must go and receive him. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Sir Charles Freeman! 'Sdeath and hell!<span class="nowrap">——</span>My +old acquaintance. Now, unless Aimwell +has made good use of his time, all our fair machine +goes souse into the sea, like an Eddistone. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p> </p> +<h4>SCENE IV.</h4> +<div class="center"> +<p class="noindent"><i>The Gallery in the same House.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Well, well, my lord, you have conquered:—your +late generous action will, I hope, plead for my +easy yielding; though, I must own, your lordship had +a friend in the fort before.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> The sweets of Hybla dwell upon her tongue—Here, +doctor!<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>, <i>with a Book</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Are you prepared bote?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I'm ready. But first, my lord, one word—I +have a frightful example of a hasty marriage in my +own family; when I reflect upon't, it shocks me.—Pray, +my lord, consider a little<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Consider! Do you doubt my honour, or my +love?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Neither—I do believe you equally just as +brave; and were your whole sex drawn out for me to +chuse, I should not cast a look upon the multitude, +if you were absent.—But, my lord, I'm a woman; +colours, concealments, may hide a thousand faults in +me—therefore, know me better first; I hardly dare +affirm, I know myself in any thing, except my love.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Such goodness who could injure! I find myself +unequal to the task of villain; she has gained my +soul, and made it honest like her own—I cannot hurt +her. [<i>Aside.</i>] Doctor, retire. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>.] +Madam, behold your lover, and your proselyte, and judge +of my passion by my conversion.—I'm all a lie, +nor dare I give a fiction to your arms;—I am all a +counterfeit, except my passion.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Forbid it, Heaven!—A counterfeit!</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I am no lord, but a poor, needy man, come +with a mean, a scandalous design, to prey upon your +fortune:—But the beauties of your mind and person, +have so won me from myself, that, like a trusty servant, +I prefer the interest of my mistress to my own.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Pray, sir, who are you?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Brother to the man, whose title I usurped, +but stranger to his honour or his fortune.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Matchless honesty!—Once I was proud, sir, of +your wealth and title, but now am prouder that you +want it: now I can show, that my love was justly levelled, +and had no aim but love.—Doctor, come in.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>, <i>at one Door</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span> <i>at another,<br /> +who whispers</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">Your pardon, sir; we shan't want you now, sir. You +must excuse me—I'll wait on you presently.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Exit with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Gipsey</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my shoul, now, dis is foolish. <span class="ex">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Gone! and bid the priest depart—It has an +ominous look!</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Archer</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Courage, Tom<span class="nowrap">——</span>Shall I wish you joy?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Oons, man! what ha' you been doing?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> O Archer, my honesty, I fear, has ruined me.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> How!</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I have discovered myself.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Discovered! and without my consent?—What! +have I embarked my small remains in the same +bottom with yours, and you dispose of all without my +partnership?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> O, Archer, I own my fault.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> After conviction—'tis then too late for pardon.—You +may remember, Mr. Aimwell, that you +proposed this folly—As you begun, so end it—Henceforth, +I'll hunt my fortune single—so farewell.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Stay, my dear Archer, but a minute.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Stay! What, to be despised, exposed, and +laughed at?—No, I would sooner change conditions +with the worst of the rogues we just now bound, than +bear one scornful smile from the proud knight, that +once I treated as my equal.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> What knight?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Sir Charles Freeman, brother to the lady +that I had almost<span class="nowrap">——</span>But, no matter for that, 'tis a +cursed night's work, and so I leave you to make the +best on't.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Freeman!—One word, Archer—Still I have +hopes; methought, she received my confession with +pleasure.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Sdeath! who doubts it?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> She consented after to the match; and still I +dare believe she will be just.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> To herself, I warrant her; as you should +have been.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> By all my hopes, she comes! and smiling +comes.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda</span>, <i>gaily</i>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Come, my dear lord, I fly with impatience to +your arms.—The minutes of my absence was a tedious +year.—Where's this priest?</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Oons! a brave girl!</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> I suppose, my lord, this gentleman is privy to +our affairs?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Yes, yes, madam, I'm to be your father.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Come, priest, do your office.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Make haste, make haste! couple them any +way. [<i>Takes</i> <span class="smallcaps">Aimwell's</span> <i>Hand</i>.] Come, madam, I'm +to give you<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> My mind's altered—I won't.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Eh!</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> I'm confounded!</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my shoul, and so is myshelf!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What's the matter now, madam?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Lookye, sir, one generous action deserves another.—This +gentleman's honour obliged him to hide +nothing from me; my justice engages me to conceal +nothing from him. In short, sir, you are the person +that you thought you counterfeited; you are the true +Lord Viscount Aimwell, and I wish your lordship joy.—Now, +priest, you may begone;—if my lord is now +pleased with the match, let his lordship marry me in +the face of the world.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Archer, what does she mean?</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> Here's a witness for my truth.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Charles</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mrs. Sullen</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> My dear Lord Aimwell, I wish you joy!</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Of what?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Of your honour and estate. Your brother +died the day before I left London; and all your friends +have writ after you to Brussels: among the rest, I +did myself the honour.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Harkye, sir knight, don't you banter now?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> 'Tis truth, upon my honour.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Thanks to the pregnant stars, that formed this +accident.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Thanks to the womb of time, that brought +it forth—away with it.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Thanks to my guardian angel, that led me to +the prize.</p> +<p class="right">[<i>Taking</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dorinda's</span> <i>Hand</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And double thanks to the noble Sir Charles +Freeman.—My lord, I wish you joy. My lady, I wish +you joy.—Egad, Sir Charles, you're the honestest fellow +living.—'Sdeath! I'm grown strangely airy upon +this matter.<span class="nowrap">——</span>My lord, how d'ye?<span class="nowrap">——</span>A word, my +lord: Don't you remember something of a previous +agreement, that entitles me to the moiety of this +lady's fortune, which, I think, will amount to ten +thousand pounds?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Not a penny, Archer: you would have cut +my throat just now, because I would not deceive this +lady.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Ay, and I'll cut your throat still, if you +should deceive her now.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> That's what I expect; and to end the dispute, +the lady's fortune is twenty thousand pounds, we'll +divide stakes; take the twenty thousand pounds, or +the lady.</p> + +<p><i>Dor.</i> How! is your lordship so indifferent?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> No, no, no, madam! his lordship knows +very well, that I'll take the money; I leave you to his +lordship, and so we are both provided for.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Arra fait, de people do say, you be all robbed, +joy.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> The ladies have been in some danger, sir, as +you saw.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my shoul, our inn be rob too.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Our inn! By whom?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my shalvation, our landlord has robbed +himself, and run away wid da money.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Robbed himself!</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Ay, fait! and me too, of a hundred pounds.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Robbed you of a hundred pounds!</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Yes, fait, honey, that I did owe to him.</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Our money's gone, Frank!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Rot the money! my wench is gone.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> This good company meets opportunely in favour +of a design I have in behalf of my unfortunate +sister: I intend to part her from her husband. Gentlemen, +will you assist me?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Assist you!—'Sdeath! who would not?</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Ay, upon my shoul, we'll all ashist.</p> + +<div class="center"> + <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sullen</span>. + </p> +</div> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> What's all this?<span class="nowrap">——</span>They tell me, spouse, that +you had like to have been robbed.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Truly, spouse, I was pretty near it—had +not these two gentlemen interposed.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> How came these gentlemen here?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> That's his way of returning thanks, you +must know.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Ay, but upon my conshience, de question be +apropos, for all dat.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> You promised, last night, sir, that you would +deliver your lady to me this morning.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Humph!</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Humph! what do you mean by humph?—Sir, +you shall deliver her<span class="nowrap">——</span>In short, sir, we have +saved you and your family, and if you are not civil, +we'll unbind the rogues, join with them, and set fire +to your house.—What does the man mean? Not part +with his wife!</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Arra, not part wid your wife! Upon my +shoul, de man dosh not understand common shivility.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Hold, gentlemen, all things here must +move by consent: compulsion would spoil us. Let +my dear and I talk the matter over, and you shall +judge it between us.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Let me know, first, who are to be our judges.—Pray, +sir, who are you?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> I am Sir Charles Freeman, come to take +away your wife.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> And you, good sir?</p> + +<p><i>Aim.</i> Thomas, Viscount Aimwell, come to take +away your sister.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> And you, pray, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Francis Archer, Esq. come<span class="nowrap">——</span></p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> To take away my mother, I hope.—Gentlemen, +you are heartily welcome: I never met with three +more obliging people since I was born.—And now, +my dear, if you please, you shall have the first word.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> And the last, for five pounds. <span class="ex">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Spouse.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Rib.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> How long have you been married?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> By the almanack, fourteen months—but, by +my account, fourteen years.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> 'Tis thereabout, by my reckoning.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my conshience, dere accounts vil +agree.</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> What are the bars to your mutual contentment?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> In the first place, I can't drink ale with +him.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Nor can I drink tea with her.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I can't hunt with you.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Nor can I dance with you.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> I hate cocking and racing.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> And I abhor ombre and picquet.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Your silence is intolerable.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Your prating is worse.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Is there, on earth, a thing we can agree +in?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Yes—to part.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> With all my heart.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Your hand.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> Here.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> These hands joined us; these shall part us—Away!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> East.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> West.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Sul.</i> North.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> South: as far as the poles asunder.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> Upon my shoul, a very pretty sheremony!</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Now, Mr. Sullen, there wants only my sister's +fortune to make us easy.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Sir Charles, you love your sister, and I love +her fortune; every one to his fancy.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> Then you won't refund?</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> Not a stiver.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> What is her portion?</p> + +<p><i>Sir C.</i> Ten thousand pounds, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> I'll pay it: my lord, I thank him, has enabled +me; and, if the lady pleases, she shall go home +with me. This night's adventure has proved strangely +lucky to us all—For Captain Gibbet, in his walk, has +made bold, Mr. Sullen, with your study and scrutoire, +and has taken out all the writings of your estate, all +the articles of marriage with your lady, bills, bonds, +leases, receipts, to an infinite value; I took them from +him, and will deliver them to Sir Charles.</p> + +<p><i>Sul.</i> How! my writings! my head aches consumedly.—Well, +gentlemen, you shall have her fortune, but I +can't talk. If you have a mind, Sir Charles, to be +merry, and celebrate my sister's wedding and my divorce, +you may command my house. But my head +aches consumedly;—Scrub, bring me a dram.</p> + +<p><i>Foig.</i> And put a sup in the top for myself.</p> + +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Foigard</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sullen</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Arch.</i> 'Twould be hard to guess which of these parties +is the better pleased, the couple joined, or the couple +parted; the one rejoicing in hopes of an untasted happiness, +and the other in their deliverance from an experienced +misery.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">Both happy in their several states, we find:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Those parted by consent, and those conjoin'd.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Consent, if mutual, saves the lawyer's fee;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Consent is law enough to set you free.</td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt Omnes.</i></p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h4>THE END.</h4> +<p> </p> +<table class="sm" border="0" style="background-color: #E6F6FA; margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="6" summary="NOTES"> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"> + <div class="center">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</div> + +<p class="noindent" style="background-color: #E6F6FA"> +Contemporary spellings have been retained. Hyphenation is inconsistent +throughout.<br /> +<br /> +Two changes have been made to the text and can be identified +in the body of the text by a grey dotted underline:<br /> +<br /> +In Act 2, at the end of Scene 1, in Mrs. Sullen's penultimate speech,<br /> +"her" was changed to "here" in the sentence:<br /> + The Count is to dine <b>here</b> tonight.<br /> +<br /> +In Act 3, Scene 2:<br /> +The words "Yes, faith", spoken by a non-existent character called <i>Alon</i>, were assigned to Aimwell +in keeping with the dialogue sequence.</p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Beaux-Stratagem, by George Farquhar + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM *** + +***** This file should be named 37195-h.htm or 37195-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/9/37195/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Beaux-Stratagem + A comedy in five acts + +Author: George Farquhar + +Commentator: Elizabeth Inchbald + +Release Date: August 24, 2011 [EBook #37195] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + + + + + THE + BEAUX STRATAGEM; + + + A COMEDY, + IN FIVE ACTS; + BY GEORGE FARQUHAR, ESQ. + + + AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRES ROYAL, + DRURY LANE AND COVENT GARDEN. + + + PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS + FROM THE PROMPT BOOK. + + WITH REMARKS + BY MRS. INCHBALD. + + + LONDON: + PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME, + PATERNOSTER ROW. + + + SAVAGE AND EASINGWOOD, + PRINTERS, LONDON. + + + + +REMARKS. + + +It is an honour to the morality of the present age, that this most +entertaining comedy is but seldom performed; and never, except some new +pantomime, or other gaudy spectacle, be added, as an afterpiece, for the +attraction of an audience. + +The well drawn characters, happy incidents, and excellent dialogue, in +"The Beaux Stratagem," are but poor atonement for that unrestrained +contempt of principle which pervades every scene. Plays of this kind +are far more mischievous than those, which preserve less appearance of +delicacy. Every auditor and reader shrinks from those crimes, which +are recommended in unseemly language, and from libertinism united with +coarse manners; but in adorning vice with wit, and audacious rakes with +the vivacity and elegance of men of fashion, youth, at least, will be +decoyed into the snare of admiration. + +Charmed with the spirit of Archer and Aimwell, the reader may not, +perhaps, immediately perceive, that those two fine gentlemen are but +arrant impostors; and that the lively, though pitiable Mrs. Sullen, +is no other than a deliberate violator of her marriage vow. Highly +delighted with every character, he will not, perhaps, at first observe, +that all the wise and witty persons of this comedy are knaves, and all +the honest people fools. + +It is said, that this play was written in six weeks--it is more +surprising still, that it was written by a dying man! + +Farquhar was a gentleman of elegant person and bewitching address, who, +having experienced the vicissitudes of life, as a man of fashion, an +actor, a captain in the army, an author, a lover, and a husband; and +having encountered bitter disappointment in some of his adventures--though +amply gratified by others--He, at the age of twenty-nine, sunk into a +dejection of spirits and decline of health; and in this state, he wrote +the present drama.--It had only been acted a night or two, when the +author, in the midst of those honours, which he derived from its +brilliant reception--died. + +As a proof that Farquhar was perfectly sensible of his dangerous state, +and that he regained cheerfulness as his end approached, the following +anecdote is told:-- + +The famed actress, Mrs. Oldfield, performed the part of Mrs. Sullen, +when the comedy was first produced; and being highly interested in +its success, from the esteem she bore the author; when it drew near +the last rehearsal, she desired Wilkes, the actor, to go to him, +and represent--that she advised him to make some alteration in the +catastrophe of the piece; for that she was apprehensive, the free manner +in which he had bestowed the hand of Mrs. Sullen upon Archer, without +first procuring a divorce from her husband, would offend great part +of the audience. "Oh," replied Farquhar, gaily, when this message was +delivered to him, "tell her, I wish she was married to me instead of +Sullen; for then, without the trouble of a divorce, I would give her +my bond, that she should be a widow within a few days." + +In this allusion he was prophetic;--and the apparent joy, with which he +expected his dissolution, may be accounted for on the supposition--that +the profligate characters, which he has pourtrayed in "The Beaux +Stratagem," were such as he had uniformly met with in the world;--and +he was rejoiced to leave them all behind. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + + DRURY LANE. COVENT GARDEN. + AIMWELL _Mr. Holland._ _Mr. Brunton._ + SIR CHARLES FREEMAN _Mr. Bartley._ _Mr. Claremont._ + ARCHER _Mr. Elliston._ _Mr. Lewis._ + SULLEN _Mr. Powell._ _Mr. Murray._ + FOIGARD _Mr. Johnstone._ _Mr. Rock._ + BONIFACE _Mr. Palmer._ _Mr. Davenport._ + GIBBET _Mr. Wewitzer._ _Mr. Emery._ + HOUNSLOW _Mr. Maddocks._ _Mr. Atkins._ + BAGSHOT _Mr. Webb._ _Mr. Abbot._ + SCRUB _Mr. Bannister._ _Mr. Munden._ + + LADY BOUNTIFUL _Mrs. Sparks._ _Mrs. Emery._ + MRS. SULLEN _Mrs. Jordan._ _Mrs. Glover._ + DORINDA _Miss Mellon._ _Miss Brunton._ + CHERRY _Miss De Camp._ _Mrs. Martyr._ + GIPSEY _Mrs. Scott._ _Mrs. Beverly._ + + _SCENE,--Litchfield._ + + + + +THE + +BEAUX STRATAGEM. + + + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + +_An Inn._ + +_Enter_ BONIFACE, _running.--Bar Bell rings._ + + +_Bon._ Chamberlain! Maid! Cherry! Daughter Cherry! All asleep? all dead? + + + _Enter_ CHERRY, _running_. + + +_Cher._ Here! here! Why d'ye bawl so, father? d'ye think we have no +ears? + +_Bon._ You deserve to have none, you young minx:--The company of the +Warrington coach has stood in the hall this hour, and nobody to show +them to their chambers. + +_Cher._ And let them wait, father;--there's neither red coat in the +coach, nor footman behind it. + +_Bon._ But they threaten to go to another inn to-night. + +_Cher._ That they dare not, for fear the coachman should overturn +them to-morrow--[_Ringing._] Coming! coming!--Here's the London coach +arrived. + + _Enter several_ PEOPLE _with Trunks, Bandboxes, and other + Luggage, and cross the Stage_. + +_Bon._ Welcome ladies. + +_Cher._ Very welcome, gentlemen----Chamberlain, show the lion and the +rose. [_Exit with the_ COMPANY. + + _Enter_ AIMWELL, _in a Riding Habit_, ARCHER _as Footman, + carrying a Portmanteau_. + +_Bon._ This way, this way, gentlemen. + +_Aim._ Set down the things; go to the stable, and see my horses well +rubbed. + +_Arch._ I shall, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Aim._ You're my landlord, I suppose? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, I'm old Will Boniface, pretty well known upon this +road, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ O, Mr. Boniface, your servant. + +_Bon._ O, sir,----what will your honour please to drink, as the saying +is? + +_Aim._ I have heard your town of Litchfield much famed for ale, I think: +I'll taste that. + +_Bon._ Sir, I have now in my cellar ten tun of the best ale in +Staffordshire; 'tis smooth as oil, sweet as milk, clear as amber, and +strong as brandy, and will be just fourteen years old the fifth day of +next March. + +_Aim._ You are very exact, I find, in the age of your ale. + +_Bon._ As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my children: I'll show +you such ale----Here, tapster, broach number 1792, as the saying +is:----Sir, you shall taste my Anno Domini----I have lived in +Litchfield, man and boy, above eight and fifty years, and I believe +have not consumed eight and fifty ounces of meat. + +_Aim._ At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your sense by your bulk. + +_Bon._ Not in my life, sir; I have fed purely upon ale: I have eat my +ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale. + + _Enter_ TAPSTER, _with a Tankard_. + +Now, sir, you shall see: your worship's health: ha! delicious, +delicious----fancy it Burgundy, only fancy it, and 'tis worth ten +shillings a quart. + +_Aim._ [_Drinks._] 'Tis confounded strong. + +_Bon._ Strong! it must be so; or how would we be strong that drink it? + +_Aim._ And have you lived so long upon this ale, landlord? + +_Bon._ Eight and fifty years, upon my credit, sir; but it killed my +wife, poor woman, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ How came that to pass? + +_Bon._ I don't know how, sir; she would not let the ale take its natural +course, sir: she was for qualifying it every now and then with a dram, +as the saying is, and an honest gentleman, that came this way from +Ireland, made her a present of a dozen bottles of Usquebaugh----but the +poor woman was never well after; but, however, I was obliged to the +gentleman, you know. + +_Aim._ Why, was it the Usquebaugh that killed her? + +_Bon._ My Lady Bountiful said so--she, good lady, did what could be +done; she cured her of three tympanies, but the fourth carried her off; +but she's happy, and I'm contented, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ Who's that Lady Bountiful, you mentioned? + +_Bon._ 'Ods my life, sir, we'll drink her health. [_Drinks._] My Lady +Bountiful is one of the best of women: her last husband, Sir Charles +Bountiful, left her worth a thousand pounds a year; and I believe +she lays out one half on't in charitable uses, for the good of her +neighbours: she cures all disorders incidental to men, women and +children; in short, she has cured more people in and about Litchfield +within ten years, than the doctors have killed in twenty, and that's a +bold word. + +_Aim._ Has the lady been any other way useful in her generation? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, she has a daughter by Sir Charles, the finest woman +in all our country, and the greatest fortune: she has a son too by her +first husband, 'Squire Sullen, who married a fine lady from London +t'other day; if you please, sir, we'll drink his health. + +_Aim._ What sort of a man is he? + +_Bon._ Why, sir, the man's well enough; says little, thinks less, and +does--nothing at all, 'faith: but he's a man of great estate, and values +nobody. + +_Aim._ A sportsman, I suppose? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, he's a man of pleasure; he plays at whist, and smokes +his pipe eight-and-forty hours together sometimes. + +_Aim._ A fine sportsman truly! and married, you say? + +_Bon._ Ay, and to a curious woman, sir--but he's a---- He wants it here, +sir. [_Pointing to his Forehead._ + +_Aim._ He has it there, you mean. + +_Bon._ That's none of my business; he's my landlord, and so a man, you +know, would not----but I'cod he's no better than--sir, my humble service +to you. [_Drinks._] Though I value not a farthing what he can do to me; +I pay him his rent at quarter day; I have a good running trade; I have +but one daughter, and I can give her--but no matter for that. + +_Aim._ You are very happy, Mr. Boniface; pray what other company have +you in town? + +_Bon._ A power of fine ladies; and then we have the French Officers. + +_Aim._ O that's right, you have a good many of those gentlemen: pray how +do you like their company? + +_Bon._ So well, as the saying is, that I could wish we had as many more +of them; they are full of money, and pay double for every thing they +have; they know, sir, that we paid good round taxes for the taking of +them, and so they are willing to reimburse us a little; one of them +lodges in my house. + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ Landlord, there are some French Gentlemen below, that ask for +you. + +_Bon._ I'll wait on them----Does your master stay long in town, as the +saying is? [_To_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ I can't tell, as the saying is. + +_Bon._ Come from London? + +_Arch._ No! + +_Bon._ Going to London, mayhap? + +_Arch._ No! + +_Bon._ An odd fellow this; [_Bar Bell rings._] I beg your worship's +pardon, I'll wait on you in half a minute. [_Exit._ + +_Aim._ The coast's clear, I see--Now, my dear Archer, welcome to +Litchfield! + +_Arch._ I thank thee, my dear brother in iniquity. + +_Aim._ Iniquity! pr'ythee, leave canting; you need not change your style +with your dress. + +_Arch._ Don't mistake me, Aimwell, for 'tis still my maxim, that there's +no scandal like rags, nor any crimes so shameful as poverty. Men must +not be poor; idleness is the root of all evil; the world's wide enough, +let them bustle; fortune has taken the weak under her protection, but +men of sense are left to their industry. + +_Aim._ Upon which topic we proceed, and, I think, luckily hitherto: +would not any man swear now, that I am a man of quality, and you my +servant, when, if our intrinsic value were known---- + +_Arch._ Come, come, we are the men of intrinsic value, who can strike +our fortunes out of ourselves, whose worth is independent of accidents +in life, or revolutions in government: we have heads to get money, and +hearts to spend it. + +_Aim._ As to our hearts, I grant ye, they are as willing tits as any +within twenty degrees; but I can have no great opinion of our heads, +from the service they have done us hitherto, unless it be that they +brought us from London hither to Litchfield, made me a lord, and you my +servant. + +_Arch._ That's more than you could expect already, but what money have +we left? + +_Aim._ But two hundred pounds. + +_Arch._ And our horses, clothes, rings, &c. Why we have very good +fortunes now for moderate people; and let me tell you, that this two +hundred pounds, with the experience that we are now masters of, is a +better estate than the ten thousand we have spent----Our friends indeed +began to suspect that our pockets were low, but we came off with flying +colours, showed no signs of want either in word or deed. + +_Aim._ Ay, and our going to Brussels was a good pretence enough for our +sudden disappearing; and, I warrant you, our friends imagine, that we +are gone a volunteering. + +_Arch._ Why 'faith if this project fails, it must e'en come to that. +I am for venturing one of the hundreds, if you will, upon this knight +errantry; but in the case it should fail, we'll reserve the other to +carry us to some counterscarp, where we may die as we lived, in a blaze. + +_Aim._ With all my heart, and we have lived justly, Archer; we can't say +that we have spent our fortunes, but that we have enjoyed them. + +_Arch._ Right; so much pleasure for so much money; we have had our +pennyworths; and had I millions, I would go to the same market again. +O London, London! well, we have had our share, and let us be thankful: +past pleasures, for aught I know, are best; such we are sure of; those +to come may disappoint us, but you command for the day, and so I +submit:--At Nottingham, you know, I am to be master. + +_Aim._ And at Lincoln, I again. + +_Arch._ Then, at Norwich, I mount, which, I think, shall be our last +stage; for, if we fail there, we'll embark for Holland, bid adieu to +Venus, and welcome Mars. + +_Aim._ A match-- + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +Mum. + +_Bon._ What will your worship please to have for supper? + +_Aim._ What have you got? + +_Bon._ Sir, we have a delicate piece of beef in the pot, and a pig at +the fire. + +_Aim._ Good supper meat, I must confess----I can't eat beef, landlord. + +_Arch._ And I hate pig. + +_Aim._ Hold your prating, sirrah! do you know who you are? [_Aside._ + +_Bon._ Please to bespeak something else; I have every thing in the +house. + +_Aim._ Have you any veal? + +_Bon._ Veal, sir! we had a delicate loin of veal on Wednesday last. + +_Aim._ Have you got any fish, or wild fowl? + +_Bon._ As for fish, truly, sir, we are an inland town, and indifferently +provided with fish, that's the truth on't; but then for wild fowl!--We +have a delicate couple of rabbits. + +_Aim._ Get me the rabbits fricasseed. + +_Bon._ Fricasseed! Lard, sir, they'll eat much better smothered with +onions. + +_Arch._ Pshaw! Rot your onions. + +_Aim._ Again, sirrah;----Well, landlord, what you please; but hold, I +have a small charge of money, and your house is so full of strangers, +that I believe it may be safer in your custody than mine; for when this +fellow of mine gets drunk, he minds nothing--Here, sirrah, reach me the +strong box. + +_Arch._ Yes, sir,----this will give us reputation. [_Aside.--Brings the +Box._ + +_Aim._ Here, landlord, the locks are sealed down, both for your security +and mine; it holds somewhat above two hundred pounds; if you doubt it, +I'll count it to you after supper: But be sure you lay it where I may +have it at a minute's warning: for my affairs are a little dubious at +present; perhaps I may be gone in half an hour, perhaps I may be your +guest till the best part of that be spent; and pray order your ostler to +keep my horses ready saddled: But one thing above the rest I must beg, +that you would let this fellow have none of your Anno Domini, as you +call it;--for he's the most insufferable sot----Here, sirrah, light me +to my chamber. + +_Arch._ Yes, sir! [_Exit, lighted by_ ARCHER. + +_Bon._ Cherry, daughter Cherry. + + _Enter_ CHERRY. + +_Cher._ D'ye call, father? + +_Bon._ Ay, child, you must lay by this box for the gentleman, 'tis full +of money. + +_Cher._ Money! all that money! why sure, father, the gentleman comes to +be chosen parliament man. Who is he? + +_Bon._ I don't know what to make of him; he talks of keeping his horses +ready saddled, and of going, perhaps, at a minute's warning; or of +staying, perhaps, till the best part of this be spent. + +_Cher._ Ay! ten to one, father, he's a highwayman. + +_Bon._ A highwayman! upon my life, girl, you have hit it, and this box +is some new purchased booty.--Now, could we find him out, the money were +ours. + +_Cher._ He don't belong to our gang. + +_Bon._ What horses have they? + +_Cher._ The master rides upon a black. + +_Bon._ A black! ten to one the man upon the black mare: and since +he don't belong to our fraternity, we may betray him with a safe +conscience: I don't think it lawful to harbour any rogues but my own. +Lookye, child, as the saying is, we must go cunningly to work; proofs we +must have; the gentleman's servant loves drink; I'll ply him that way, +and ten to one he loves a wench; you must work him t'other way. + +_Cher._ Father, would you have me give my secret for his? + +_Bon._ Consider, child, there's two hundred pound, to boot. [_Ringing +without._] Coming, coming--child, mind your business. [_Exit_ BONIFACE. + +_Cher._ What a rogue is my father! My father! I deny it----My mother +was a good, generous, free-hearted woman, and I can't tell how far +her goodnature might have extended for the good of her children. This +landlord of mine, for I think I can call him no more, would betray his +guest, and debauch his daughter into the bargain,----by a footman too! + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ What footman, pray, mistress, is so happy as to be the subject +of your contemplation? + +_Cher._ Whoever he is, friend, he'll be but little the better for't. + +_Arch._ I hope so, for, I'm sure, you did not think of me. + +_Cher._ Suppose I had? + +_Arch._ Why then you're but even with me; for the minute I came in, I +was considering in what manner I should make love to you. + +_Cher._ Love to me, friend! + +_Arch._ Yes, child. + +_Cher._ Child! manners; if you kept a little more distance, friend, it +would become you much better. + +_Arch._ Distance! good night, saucebox. [_Going._ + +_Cher._ A pretty fellow; I like his pride.--Sir--pray, sir--you see, +sir. [ARCHER _returns_.] I have the credit to be entrusted with your +master's fortune here, which sets me a degree above his footman; I hope, +sir, you an't affronted. + +_Arch._ Let me look you full in the face, and I'll tell you whether you +can affront me or no.----'Sdeath, child, you have a pair of delicate +eyes, and you don't know what to do with them. + +_Cher._ Why, sir, don't I see every body! + +_Arch._ Ay, but if some women had them, they would kill every +body.----Pr'ythee instruct me; I would fain make love to you, but I +don't know what to say. + +_Cher._ Why, did you never make love to any body before? + +_Arch._ Never to a person of your figure, I can assure you, madam; my +addresses have been always confined to people within my own sphere, I +never aspired so high before. [ARCHER _sings_. + + _But you look so bright, + And are dress'd so tight, + That a man would swear you're right, + As arm was e'er laid over._ + +_Cher._ Will you give me that song, sir? + +_Arch._ Ay, my dear, take it while it is warm. [_Kisses her._] Death and +fire! her lips are honeycombs. + +_Cher._ And I wish there had been a swarm of bees too, to have stung you +for your impudence. + +_Arch._ There's a swarm of Cupids, my little Venus, that has done the +business much better. + +_Cher._ This fellow is misbegotten, as well as I. [_Aside._] What's your +name, sir? + +_Arch._ Name! egad, I have forgot it. [_Aside._] Oh, Martin. + +_Cher._ Where were you born? + +_Arch._ In St. Martin's parish. + +_Cher._ What was your father? + +_Arch._ Of--of--St. Martin's parish. + +_Cher._ Then, friend, goodnight. + +_Arch._ I hope not. + +_Cher._ You may depend upon't. + +_Arch._ Upon what? + +_Cher._ That you're very impudent. + +_Arch._ That you're very handsome. + +_Cher._ That you're a footman. + +_Arch._ That you're an angel. + +_Cher._ I shall be rude. + +_Arch._ So shall I. + +_Cher._ Let go my hand. + +_Arch._ Give me a kiss. [_Kisses her._ + +_Boniface._ [_Calls without._] Cherry, Cherry! + +_Cher._ I'm----My father calls; you plaguy devil, how durst you stop my +breath so?--Offer to follow me one step, if you dare. [_Exit._ + +_Arch._ A fair challenge, by this light; this is a pretty fair opening +of an adventure; but we are knight-errants, and so fortune be our guide! +[_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + +_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA _meeting_. + + +_Dor._ 'Morrow, my dear sister; are you for church this morning? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Any where to pray; for Heaven alone can help me: but I +think, Dorinda, there's no form of prayer in the Liturgy against bad +husbands. + +_Dor._ But there's a form of law at Doctors' Commons; and I swear, +sister Sullen, rather than see you thus continually discontented, I +would advise you to apply to that: for besides the part that I bear in +your vexatious broils, as being sister to the husband, and friend to the +wife, your examples give me such an impression of matrimony, that I +shall be apt to condemn my person to a long vacation all its life--But +supposing, madam, that you brought it to a case of separation, what can +you urge against your husband? my brother is, first, the most constant +man alive. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The most constant husband, I grant ye. + +_Dor._ He never sleeps from you. + +_Mrs. Sul._ No, he always sleeps with me. + +_Dor._ He allows you a maintenance suitable to your quality. + +_Mrs. Sul._ A maintenance! do you take me, madam, for an hospital child, +that I must sit down and bless my benefactors, for meat, drink, and +clothes? As I take it, madam, I brought your brother ten thousand +pounds, out of which I might expect some pretty things, called +pleasures. + +_Dor._ You share in all the pleasures that the country affords. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Country pleasures! racks and torments! dost think, child, +that my limbs were made for leaping of ditches, and clambering over +stiles; or that my parents, wisely foreseeing my future happiness in +country pleasures, had early instructed me in the rural accomplishments +of drinking fat ale, playing at whist, and smoaking tobacco with my +husband; and stilling rosemary water, with the good old gentlewoman my +mother-in-law? + +_Dor._ I'm sorry, madam, that it is not more in our power to divert you; +I could wish, indeed, that our entertainments were a little more polite, +or your taste a little less refined; but pray, madam, how came the poets +and philosophers, that laboured so much in hunting after pleasure, to +place it at last in a country life? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Because they wanted money, child, to find out the pleasures +of the town: Did you ever hear of a poet or philosopher worth ten +thousand pounds? if you can show me such a man, I'll lay you fifty +pounds you'll find him somewhere within the weekly bills. Not that I +disapprove rural pleasures, as the poets have painted them in their +landscapes; every Phyllis has her Corydon, every murmuring stream, and +every flowery mead give fresh alarms to love----Besides, you'll find, +their couples were never married:----But yonder, I see my Corydon, and a +sweet swain it is, Heaven knows--Come, Dorinda, don't be angry, he's my +husband, and your brother, and between both, is he not a sad brute? + +_Dor._ I have nothing to say to your part of him; you're the best judge. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O sister, sister! if ever you marry, beware of a sullen, +silent sot, one that's always musing, but never thinks--There's some +diversion in a talking blockhead; and since a woman must wear chains, I +would have the pleasure of hearing 'em rattle a little.--Now you shall +see; but take this by the way; he came home this morning, at his usual +hour of four, waked me out of a sweet dream of something else, by tumbling +over the tea-table, which he broke all to pieces; after his man and he +has rolled about the room like sick passengers in a storm, he comes +flounce into bed, dead as a salmon into a fishmonger's basket; his feet +cold as ice, his breath hot as a furnace, and his hands and his face as +greasy as his flannel night-cap----Oh matrimony! matrimony!----He tosses +up the clothes with a barbarous swing over his shoulders, disorders the +whole economy of my bed, and my whole night's comfort is the tuneable +serenade of that wakeful nightingale, his nose.----O the pleasure of +counting the melancholy clock by a snoring husband!----But now, sister, +you shall see how handsomely, being a well-bred man, he will beg my +pardon. + + _Enter_ SULLEN. + +_Sul._ My head aches consumedly. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Will you be pleased, my dear, to drink tea with us this +morning? it may do your head good. + +_Sul._ No. + +_Dor._ Coffee, brother? + +_Sul._ Pshaw? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Will you please to dress, and go to church with me? the air +may help you. + +_Sul._ Scrub! + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +_Scrub._ Sir! + +_Sul._ What day o'the week is this? + +_Scrub._ Sunday, an't please your worship. + +_Sul._ Sunday! bring me a dram; and, d'ye hear, set out the venison +pasty, and a tankard of strong beer upon the hall table, I'll go to +breakfast. [_Going._ + +_Dor._ Stay, stay, brother, you shan't get off so; you were very naught +last night, and must make your wife reparation: come, come, brother, +won't you ask pardon? + +_Sul._ For what? + +_Dor._ For being drunk last night. + +_Sul._ I can afford it, can't I? + +_Mrs. Sul._ But I can't, sir. + +_Sul._ Then you may let it alone. + +_Mrs. Sul._ But I must tell you, sir, that this is not to be borne. + +_Sul._ I'm glad on't. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What is the reason, sir, that you use me thus inhumanly? + +_Sul._ Scrub! + +_Scrub._ Sir! + +_Sul._ Get things ready to shave my head. [_Exit._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Have a care of coming near his temples, Scrub, for fear you +meet something there that may turn the edge of your razor. [_Exit_ +SCRUB.] Inveterate stupidity! did you ever know so hard, so obstinate a +spleen as his? O sister, sister! I shall never have good of the beast +till I get him to town; London, dear London, is the place for managing +and breaking a husband. + +_Dor._ And has not a husband the same opportunities there for humbling a +wife? + +_Mrs. Sul._ No, no, child; 'tis a standing maxim in conjugal discipline, +that when a man would enslave his wife, he hurries her into the country; +and when a lady would be arbitrary with her husband, she wheedles her +booby up to town----A man dare not play the tyrant in London, because +there are so many examples to encourage the subject to rebel, O Dorinda, +Dorinda! a fine woman may do any thing in London: On my conscience, she +may raise an army of forty thousand men. + +_Dor._ I fancy, sister, you have a mind to be trying your power that +way here in Litchfield; you have drawn the French Count to your colours +already. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The French are a people that can't live without their +gallantries. + +_Dor._ And some English that I know, sister, are not averse to such +amusements. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well, sister, since the truth must out, it may do as well +now as hereafter; I think, one way to rouse my lethargic, sottish, +husband, is to give him a rival; security begets negligence in all +people, and men must be alarmed to make them alert in their duty; women +are like pictures, of no value in the hands of a fool, till he hears men +of sense bid high for the purchase. + +_Dor._ This might do, sister, if my brother's understanding were to be +convinced into a passion for you; but, I believe, there's a natural +aversion on his side; and I fancy, sister, that you don't come much +behind him, if you dealt fairly. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I own it; we are united contradictions, fire and water. +But I could be contented, with a great many other wives, to humour the +censorious vulgar, and give the world an appearance of living well with +my husband, could I bring him but to dissemble a little kindness, to +keep me in countenance. + +_Dor._ But how do you know, sister, but that instead of rousing your +husband by this artifice to a counterfeit kindness, he should awake in +a real fury? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Let him:--If I can't entice him to the one, I would provoke +him to the other. + +_Dor._ But how must I behave myself between ye? + +_Mrs. Sul._ You must assist me. + +_Dor._ What, against my own brother! + +_Mrs. Sul._ He is but your half brother, and I'm your entire friend: If +I go a step beyond the bounds of honour, leave me; till then, I expect +you should go along with me in every thing; while I trust my honour in +your hands, you may trust your brother's in mine--The Count is to dine +here to-day. + +_Dor._ 'Tis a strange thing, sister, that I can't like that man. + +_Mrs. Sul._ You like nothing; your time is not come; love and death have +their fatalities, and strike home one time or other:--You'll pay for all +one day, I warrant ye--But come, my lady's tea is ready, and 'tis almost +church time. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_The Inn._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL, _dressed, and_ ARCHER. + + +_Aim._ And was she the daughter of the house? + +_Arch._ The Landlord is so blind as to think so; but, I dare swear, she +has better blood in her veins. + +_Aim._ Why dost think so? + +_Arch._ Because the baggage has a pert _je-ne-scai-quoi_; she reads +plays, keeps a monkey, and is troubled with vapours. + +_Aim._ By which discoveries, I guess that you know more of her. + +_Arch._ Not yet, 'faith: the lady gives herself airs, forsooth; nothing +under a gentleman. + +_Aim._ Let me take her in hand. + +_Arch._ Say one word more o'that, and I'll declare myself, spoil your +sport there, and every where else: lookye, Aimwell, every man in his own +sphere. + +_Aim._ Right; and therefore you must pimp for your master. + +_Arch._ In the usual forms, good sir, after I have served myself.--But +to our business--You are so well dressed, Tom, and make so handsome a +figure, that I fancy you may do execution in a country church; the +exterior part strikes first, and you're in the right to make that +impression favourable. + +_Aim._ There's something in that which may turn to advantage: the +appearance of a stranger in a country church draws as many gazers as a +blazing star; no sooner he comes into the cathedral, but a train of +whispers runs buzzing round the congregation in a moment:--Who is he? +whence comes he? do you know him?--Then I, sir, tip the verger half a +crown; he pockets the simony, and inducts me into the best pew in the +church; I pull out my snuff-box, turn myself round, bow to the Bishop or +the Dean, if he be the commanding officer; single out a beauty, rivet +both my eyes to hers, set my nose a-bleeding by the strength of +imagination, and show the whole church my concern, by my endeavouring to +hide it: after the sermon, the whole town gives me to her for a lover; +and, by persuading the lady that I am dying for her, the tables are +turned, and she, in good earnest, falls in love with me. + +_Arch._ There's nothing in this, Tom, without a precedent; but, instead +of riveting your eyes to a beauty, try to fix them upon a fortune; +that's our business at present. + +_Aim._ Pshaw! no woman can be a beauty without a fortune.--Let me alone +for a marksman. + +_Arch._ Tom! + +_Aim._ Ay! + +_Arch._ When were you at church before, pray? + +_Aim._ Um--I was there at the coronation. + +_Arch._ And how can you expect a blessing by going to church now? + +_Aim._ Blessing? nay, Frank, I ask but for a wife! [_Exit._ + +_Arch._ Truly, the man is not very unreasonable in his demands. +[_Exit, at the opposite Door._ + + _Enter_ BONIFACE _and_ CHERRY. + +_Bon._ Well, daughter, as the saying is, have you brought Martin to +confess? + +_Cher._ Pray, father, don't put me upon getting any thing out of a man; +I'm but young, you know, father, and don't understand wheedling. + +_Bon._ Young! why, you jade, as the saying is, can any woman wheedle +that is not young? Your mother was useless at five and twenty! Would you +make your mother a whore, and me a cuckold, as the saying is? I tell +you, silence confesses it, and his master spends his money so freely, +and is so much a gentleman every manner of way, that he must be a +highwayman. + + _Enter_ GIBBET, _in a Cloak_. + +_Gib._ Landlord! Landlord! is the coast clear? + +_Bon._ O, Mr. Gibbet, what's the news? + +_Gib._ No matter; ask no questions; all fair and honourable. Here, +my dear Cherry. [_Gives her a Bag._] Two hundred sterling pounds, +as good as ever hanged or saved a rogue; lay them by with the rest. +And here--three wedding, or mourning rings--'tis much the same, you +know----Here, two silver hilted swords; I took those from fellows that +never show any part of their swords but the hilts: here is a diamond +necklace, which the lady hid in the privatest part in the coach, but I +found it out: this gold watch I took from a pawnbroker's wife; it was +left in her hands by a person of quality; there's the arms upon the +case. + +_Cher._ But who had you the money from? + +_Gib._ Ah! poor woman! I pitied her--from a poor lady, just eloped from +her husband; she had made up her cargo, and was bound for Ireland, as +hard as she could drive: she told me of her husband's barbarous usage, +and so, faith, I left her half a crown. But I had almost forgot, my dear +Cherry; I have a present for you. + +_Cher._ What is't? + +_Gib._ A pot of ceruse, my child, that I took out of a lady's under +petticoat pocket. + +_Cher._ What, Mr. Gibbet, do you think, that I paint? + +_Gib._ Why, you jade, your betters do; I am sure, the lady that I took +it from had a coronet upon her handkerchief.----Here, take my cloak, and +go, secure the premises. + +_Cher._ I will secure them. [_Exit._ + +_Bon._ But, harkye, where's Hounslow and Bagshot? + +_Gib._ They'll be here to-night. + +_Bon._ D'ye know of any other gentlemen o' the pad on this road? + +_Gib._ No. + +_Bon._ I fancy, that I have two that lodge in the house just now. + +_Gib._ The devil! how d'ye smoak them? + +_Bon._ Why, the one is gone to church. + +_Gib._ To church! that's suspicious, I must confess. + +_Bon._ And the other is now in his master's chamber: he pretends to be a +servant to the other; we'll call him out, and pump him a little. + +_Gib._ With all my heart. + +_Bon._ Mr. Martin! Mr. Martin! + + _Enter_ ARCHER, _brushing a Hat, and singing_. + +_Gib._ The roads are consumed deep; I'm as dirty as Old Brentford at +Christmas.----A good pretty fellow--Who's servant are you, friend? + +_Arch._ My master's. + +_Gib._ Really! + +_Arch._ Really. + +_Gib._ That's much--The fellow has been at the bar, by his +evasions:--But pray, sir, what is your master's name? + +Arch. _Tall, all, dall._ [Sings, and brushes the Hat.] This is the +most obstinate spot---- + +_Gib._ I ask you his name? + +_Arch._ Name, sir,--_Tall, all, dall_--I never asked him his name in my +life. _Tall, all, dall._ + +_Bon._ What think you now? + +_Gib._ Plain, plain; he talks now as if he were before a judge: but +pray, friend, which way does your master travel? + +_Arch._ On horseback. + +_Gib._ Very well again; an old offender--Right; but, I mean, does he go +upwards or downwards? + +_Arch._ Downwards, I fear, sir! _Tall, all._ + +_Gib._ I'm afraid thy fate will be a contrary way. + +_Bon._ Ha! ha! ha! Mr. Martin, you're very arch--This gentleman is only +travelling towards Chester, and would be glad of your company, that's +all--Come, Captain, you'll stay to-night, I suppose; I'll show you a +chamber----Come, Captain. + +_Gib._ Farewell, friend----[_Exeunt_ GIBBET _and_ BONIFACE. + +_Arch._ Captain, your servant----Captain! a pretty fellow! 'Sdeath, +I wonder that the officers of the army don't conspire to beat all +scoundrels in red but their own. + + _Enter_ CHERRY. + +_Cher._ Gone, and Martin here! I hope he did not listen: I would have +the merit of the discovery all my own, because I would oblige him to +love me. [_Aside._]--Mr. Martin, who was that man with my father? + +_Arch._ Some recruiting sergeant, or whipped out trooper, I suppose. + +_Cher._ All's safe, I find. [_Aside._ + +_Arch._ Come, my dear, have you conned over the catechism I taught you +last night? + +_Cher._ Come, question me. + +_Arch._ What is love? + +_Cher._ Love is I know not what, it comes I know not how, and goes I +know not when. + +_Arch._ Very well, an apt scholar. [_Chucks her under the Chin._] Where +does love enter? + +_Cher._ Into the eyes. + +_Arch._ And where go out? + +_Cher._ I won't tell you. + +_Arch._ What are the objects of that passion? + +_Cher._ Youth, beauty, and clean linen. + +_Arch._ The reason? + +_Cher._ The two first are fashionable in nature, and the third at court. + +_Arch._ That's my dear--What are the signs and tokens of that passion? + +_Cher._ A stealing look, a stammering tongue, words improbable, designs +impossible, and actions impracticable. + +_Arch._ That's my good child, kiss me.----What must a lover do to obtain +his mistress? + +_Cher._ He must adore the person that disdains him, he must bribe the +chambermaid that betrays him, and court the footman that laughs at +him!----He must, he must---- + +_Arch._ Nay, child, I must whip you if you don't mind your lesson; he +must treat his---- + +_Cher._ O! ay, he must treat his enemies with respect, his friends with +indifference, and all the world with contempt; he must suffer much, and +fear more; he must desire much, and hope little; in short, he must +embrace his ruin, and throw himself away. + +_Arch._ Had ever man so hopeful a pupil as mine? Come, my dear, why is +love called a riddle? + +_Cher._ Because, being blind, he leads those that see; and, though a +child, he governs a man. + +_Arch._ Mighty well--And why is love pictured blind? + +_Cher._ Because the painters, out of their weakness, or privilege of +their art, chose to hide those eyes they could not draw. + +_Arch._ That's my dear little scholar, kiss me again.--And why should +love, that's a child, govern a man? + +_Cher._ Because that a child is the end of love. + +_Arch._ And so ends love's catechism----And now, my dear, we'll go in, +and make my master's bed. + +_Cher._ Hold, hold, Mr. Martin----You have taken a great deal of pains +to instruct me, and what d'ye think I have learned by it? + +_Arch._ What? + +_Cher._ That your discourse and your habit are contradictions, and it +would be nonsense in me to believe you a footman any longer. + +_Arch._ 'Oons, what a witch it is! + +_Cher._ Depend upon this, sir, nothing in that garb shall ever tempt me; +for, though I was born to servitude, I hate it:--Own your condition, +swear you love me, and then---- + +_Arch._ And then we shall go make my master's bed? + +_Cher._ Yes. + +_Arch._ You must know, then, that I am born a gentleman, my education +was liberal; but I went to London a younger brother, fell into the hands +of sharpers, who stripped me of my money; my friends disowned me, and +now my necessity brings me to what you see. + +_Cher._ Then take my hand--promise to marry me before you sleep, and +I'll make you master of two thousand pounds. + +_Arch._ How! + +_Cher._ Two thousand pounds, that I have this minute in my own custody; +so throw off your livery this instant, and I'll go find a parson. + +_Arch._ What said you? A parson! + +_Cher._ What! do you scruple? + +_Arch._ Scruple! No, no, but--two thousand pounds, you say? + +_Cher._ And better. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath, what shall I do?--But harkye, child, what need you make +me master of yourself and money, when you may have the same pleasure out +of me, and still keep your fortune in your own hands? + +_Cher._ Then you won't marry me? + +_Arch._ I would marry you, but---- + +_Cher._ O, sweet sir, I'm your humble servant; you're fairly caught: +Would you persuade me that any gentleman, who could bear the scandal of +wearing a livery, would refuse two thousand pounds, let the condition be +what it would?--No, no, sir; but I hope you'll pardon the freedom I have +taken, since it was only to inform myself of the respect that I ought to +pay you. [_Going._ + +_Arch._ Fairly bit, by Jupiter!--Hold, hold! And have you actually two +thousand pounds? + +_Cher._ Sir, I have my secrets as well as you--when you please to +be more open, I shall be more free; and, be assured, that I have +discoveries that will match yours, be they what they will.--In the mean +while, be satisfied that no discovery I make shall ever hurt you; but +beware of my father----[_Exit._ + +_Arch._ So--we're like to have as many adventures in our inn, as Don +Quixotte had in his--Let me see--two thousand pounds! if the wench would +promise to die when the money were spent, egad, one would marry her; +but the fortune may go off in a year or two, and the wife may live--Lord +knows how long! then an innkeeper's daughter; ay, that's the devil--there +my pride brings me off. + + + For whatsoe'er the sages charge on pride, + The angels' fall, and twenty faults beside, + On earth, I'm sure, 'mong us of mortal calling, + Pride saves man oft, and woman too, from falling. + [_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + +LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +_Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA. + + +_Mrs. Sul._ Ha! ha! ha! my dear sister, let me embrace thee: now we are +friends indeed; for I shall have a secret of yours, as a pledge for +mine. + +_Dor._ But do you think that I am so weak as to fall in love with a +fellow at first sight? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pshaw! now you spoil all; why should not we be as free in +our friendships as the men? I warrant you, the gentleman has got to his +confidant already, has avowed his passion, toasted your health, and +called you ten thousand angels. + +_Dor._ Your hand, sister, I an't well. + +_Mrs. Sul._ So--come, child, up with it--hem a little--so--now, tell me, +don't you like the gentleman that we saw at church just now? + +_Dor._ The man's well enough. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well enough! Is he not a demigod, a Narcissus, a star, the +man i'the moon? + +_Dor._ O, sister, I'm extremely ill. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Come, unbosom yourself--the man is perfectly a pretty +fellow; I saw him when he first came into church. + +_Dor._ I saw him too, sister, and with an air that shone, methought, +like rays about his person. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well said, up with it. + +_Dor._ No forward coquette behaviour, no airs to set himself off, no +studied looks nor artful posture,--but nature did it all. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Better and better----One touch more; come-- + +_Dor._ But, then his looks--Did you observe his eyes? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Yes, yes, I did--his eyes; well, what of his eyes? + +_Dor._ Sprightly, but not wandering; they seemed to view, but never +gazed on any thing but me--and then his looks so humble were, and yet so +noble, that they aimed to tell me, that he could with pride die at my +feet, though he scorned slavery any where else. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The physic works purely--How d'ye find yourself now, my +dear? + +_Dor._ Hem! much better, my dear.--O, here comes our Mercury.-- + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +Well, Scrub, what news of the gentleman? + +_Scrub._ Madam, I have brought you a whole packet of news. + +_Dor._ Open it quickly; come. + +_Scrub._ In the first place, I inquired who the gentleman was? They told +me he was a stranger. Secondly, I asked, what the gentleman was? They +answered and said, that they never saw him before. Thirdly, I inquired, +what countryman he was? They replied, 'twas more than they knew. +Fourthly, I demanded, whence he came? Their answer was, they could not +tell. And, fifthly, I asked, whither he went? And they replied, they +knew nothing of the matter.--And this is all I could learn. + +_Mrs. Sul._ But what do the people say? can't they guess! + +_Scrub._ Why, some think he's a spy; some guess he's a mountebank; some +say one thing, some another;--but, for my own part, I believe he's a +jesuit. + +_Dor._ A jesuit! Why a jesuit? + +_Scrub._ Because he keeps his horses always ready saddled, and his +footman talks French! + +_Mrs. Sul._ His footman! + +_Scrub._ Ay; he and the Count's footman were jabbering French, like two +intriguing ducks in a mill-pond: and, I believe, they talked of me, for +they laughed consumedly. + +_Dor._ What sort of livery has the footman? + +_Scrub._ Livery! lord, madam, I took him for a captain, he's so +bedizened with lace: and then he has a silver-headed cane dangling +at his knuckles--he carries his hands in his pockets, and walks just +so--[_Walks in a French Air._] and has fine long hair, tied up in a +bag.----Lord, madam, he's clear another sort of man than I. + +_Mrs. Sul._ That may easily be--But what shall we do now, sister? + +_Dor._ I have it----This fellow has a world of simplicity, and some +cunning, the first hides the latter by abundance----Scrub. + +_Scrub._ Madam. + +_Dor._ We have a great mind to know who this gentleman is, only for our +satisfaction. + +_Scrub._ Yes, madam, it would be a satisfaction, no doubt. + +_Dor._ You must go and get acquainted with his footman, and invite him +hither to drink a bottle of your ale, because you are butler to-day. + +_Scrub._ Yes, madam, I am butler every Sunday. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O brave sister! o'my conscience, you understand the +mathematics already--'Tis the best plot in the world;--your mother, you +know, will be gone to church, my spouse will be got to the alehouse, +with his scoundrels, and the house will be our own--so we drop in by +accident, and ask the fellow some questions ourselves. In the country, +you know, any stranger is company, and we are glad to take up with the +butler in a country dance, and happy if he'll do us the favour. + +_Scrub._ Oh, madam! you wrong me: I never refused your ladyship the +favour in my life. + + _Enter_ GIPSEY. + +_Gip._ Ladies, dinner's upon table. + +_Dor._ Scrub, we'll excuse your waiting--Go where we ordered you. + +_Scrub._ I shall. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_The Inn._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ ARCHER. + + +_Arch._ Well, Tom, I find you are a marksman. + +_Aim._ A marksman! who so blind could be as not discern a swan among the +ravens? + +_Arch._ Well, but harkye, Aimwell---- + +_Aim._ Aimwell! call me Oroondates, Cesario, Amadis, all that romance +can in a lover paint, and then I'll answer. O, Archer, I read her +thousands in her looks! she looked like Ceres in her harvest; corn, +wine, and oil, milk and honey; gardens, groves, and purling streams, +played on her plenteous face. + +_Arch._ Her face!--her pocket, you mean. The corn, wine, and oil, lies +there. In short, she has twenty thousand pounds, that's the English +on't. + +_Aim._ Her eyes---- + +_Arch._ Are demicannons, to be sure; so I won't stand their battery. +[_Going._ + +_Aim._ Pray excuse me; my passion must have vent. + +_Arch._ Passion! what a plague, d'ye think these romantic airs will do +your business? Were my temper as extravagant as yours, my adventures +have something more romantic by half. + +_Aim._ Your adventures! + +_Arch._ Yes-- + + The nymph, that with her twice ten hundred pounds, + With brazen engine hot, and coif clear starch'd, + Can fire the guest in warming of the bed-- + +There's a touch of sublime Milton for you, and the subject, but an +innkeeper's daughter. I can play with a girl, as an angler does with his +fish; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and +down the stream, till at last, he brings it to hand, tickles the trout, +and so whips it into his basket. + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +_Bon._ Mr. Martin, as the saying is--yonder's an honest fellow below, +my Lady Bountiful's butler, who begs the honour, that you would go home +with him, and see his cellar. + +_Arch._ Do my _baissemains_ to the gentleman, and tell him, I will do +myself the honour to wait on him immediately, as the saying is. + +_Bon._ I shall do your worship's commands, as the saying is. +[_Exit, bowing obsequiously._ + +_Aim._ What do I hear? soft Orpheus play, and fair Toftida sing. + +_Arch._ Pshaw! damn your raptures; I tell you, here's a pump going to be +put into the vessel, and the ship will get into harbour, my life on't. +You say, there's another lady very handsome there? + +_Aim._ Yes, faith. + +_Arch._ I'm in love with her already. + +_Aim._ Can't you give me a bill upon Cherry in the mean time. + +_Arch._ No, no, friend; all her corn, wine, and oil, is ingrossed to my +market--And, once more, I warn you, to keep your anchorage clear of +mine; for if you fall foul on me, by this light, you shall go to the +bottom.--What! make prize of my little frigate, while I am upon the +cruize for you! [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +_Aim._ Well, well, I won't--Landlord, have you any tolerable company in +the house? I don't care for dining alone. + +_Bon._ Yes, sir, there's a captain below, as the saying is, that arrived +about an hour ago. + +_Aim._ Gentlemen of his coat are welcome every where;--will you make +him a compliment from me, and tell him, I should be glad of his company. + +_Bon._ Who shall I tell him, sir, would---- + +_Aim._ Ha! that stroke was well thrown in----I'm only a traveller, like +himself, and would be glad of his company, that's all. + +_Bon._ I obey your commands, as the saying is. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath! I had forgot--what title will you give yourself? + +_Aim._ My brother's, to be sure: he would never give me any thing else, +so I'll make bold with his honour this bout. You know the rest of your +cue. + +_Arch._ Ay, ay. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ GIBBET. + +_Gib._ Sir, I'm yours. + +_Aim._ 'Tis more than I deserve, sir; for I don't know you. + +_Gib._ I don't wonder at that, sir, for you never saw me before----I +hope. [_Aside._ + +_Aim._ And pray, sir, how came I by the honour of seeing you now? + +_Gib._ Sir, I scorn to intrude upon any gentleman--but my landlord-- + +_Aim._ O, sir, I ask your pardon; you are the captain he told me of? + +_Gib._ At your service, sir. + +_Aim._ What regiment, may I be so bold? + +_Gib._ A marching regiment, sir; an old corps. + +_Aim._ Very old, if your coat be regimental. [_Aside._] You have served +abroad, sir? + +_Gib._ Yes, sir, in the plantations; 'twas my lot to be sent into the +worst service; I would have quitted it indeed, but a man of honour, you +know----Besides, 'twas for the good of my country, that I should be +abroad----Any thing for the good of one's country.--I'm a Roman for +that. + +_Aim._ One of the first, I'll lay my life. [_Aside._] You found the West +Indies very hot, sir? + +_Gib._ Ay, sir, too hot for me. + +_Aim._ Pray sir, han't I seen your face at Will's coffeehouse? + +_Gib._ Yes, sir, and at White's too. + +_Aim._ And where is your company now, captain? + +_Gib._ They a'nt come yet. + +_Aim._ Why, d'ye expect them here? + +_Gib._ They'll be here to-night, sir. + +_Aim._ Which way do they march? + +_Gib._ Across the country.----The devil's in't, if I han't said enough +to encourage him to declare--but I'm afraid he's not right--I must tack +about. [_Aside._ + +_Aim._ Is your company to quarter at Litchfield? + +_Gib._ In this house, sir. + +_Aim._ What! all? + +_Gib._ My company's but thin--Ha! ha! ha! we are but three;--ha! ha! ha! + +_Aim._ You are merry, sir. + +_Gib._ Ay, sir, you must excuse me, sir, I understand the world, +especially the art of travelling: I don't care, sir, for answering +questions directly upon the road--for I generally ride with a charge +about me. + +_Aim._ Three or four, I believe. [_Aside._ + +_Gib._ I am credibly informed, that there are highwaymen upon this +quarter--not, sir, that I could suspect a gentleman of your figure--But, +truly, sir, I have got such a way of evasion upon the road, that I don't +care for speaking truth to any man. + +_Aim._ Your caution may be necessary--Then, I presume, you are no +captain. + +_Gib._ Not I, sir; captain is a good travelling name, and so I take it. +It stops a great many foolish inquiries, that are generally made about +gentlemen that travel;--it gives a man an air of something, and makes +the drawers obedient.--And, thus far, I am a captain, and no farther. + +_Aim._ And, pray, sir, what is your true profession? + +_Gib._ O, sir, you must excuse me--upon my word, sir, I don't think it +safe to tell ye. + +_Aim._ Ha! ha! ha! upon my word, I commend you.-- + + _Enter_ BONIFACE. + +Well, Mr. Boniface, what's the news? + +_Bon._ There's another gentleman below, as the saying is, that, hearing +you were but two, would be glad to make the third man, if you'd give him +leave. + +_Aim._ What is he? + +_Bon._ A clergyman, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ A clergyman!--is he really a clergyman? or is it only his +travelling name, as my friend the captain has it. + +_Bon._ O, sir, he's a priest, and chaplain to the French officers in +town. + +_Aim._ Is he a Frenchman? + +_Bon._ Yes, sir; born at Brussels. + +_Gib._ A Frenchman, and a priest! I won't be seen in his company, +sir;--I have a value for my reputation, sir. + +_Aim._ Nay, but, captain, since we are by ourselves--Can he speak +English, landlord? + +_Bon._ Very well, sir; you may know him, as the saying is, to be a +foreigner by his accent, and that's all. + +_Aim._ Then he has been in England before? + +_Bon._ Never, sir, but he's a master of languages, as the saying is--he +talks Latin; it does me good to hear him talk Latin. + +_Aim._ Then you understand Latin, Mr. Boniface? + +_Bon._ Not I, sir, as the saying is;--but he talks it so very fast, that +I'm sure it must be good. + +_Aim._ Pray desire him to walk up. + +_Bon._ Here he is, as the saying is. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ Save you, gentlemens bote. + +_Aim._ A Frenchman!--Sir, your most humble servant. + +_Foig._ Och, dear joy, I am your most faithful shervant; and yours +alsho. + +_Gib._ Doctor, you talk very good English, but you have a mighty twang +of the foreigner. + +_Foig._ My English is very well for the vords; but ve foreigners, you +know, cannot bring our tongues about the pronunciation so soon. + +_Aim._ A foreigner! A downright teague, by this light. [_Aside._] Were +you born in France, doctor? + +_Foig._ I was educated in France, but I was borned at Brussels; I am a +subject of the King of Spain, joy. + +_Gib._ What King of Spain, sir? speak. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, joy, I cannot tell you as yet. + +_Aim._ Nay, captain, that was too hard upon the doctor; he's a stranger. + +_Foig._ O, let him alone, dear joy, I am of a nation that is not easily +put out of countenance. + +_Aim._ Come, gentlemen, I'll end the dispute----Here, landlord, is +dinner ready? + +_Bon._ Upon the table, as the saying is. + +_Aim._ Gentlemen--pray--that door---- + +_Foig._ No, no, fait, the captain must lead. + +_Aim._ No, doctor, the church is our guide. + +_Gib._ Ay, ay, so it is. [_Exeunt_, FOIGARD _foremost_. + + +SCENE III. + +_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +_Enter_ ARCHER _and_ SCRUB, _singing, and hugging one another_; SCRUB +_with a Tankard in his Hand_--GIPSEY _listening at a Distance_. + + +Scrub. _Tal, all, dal_----Come, my dear boy, let us have that song +once more. + +_Arch._ No, no, we shall disturb the family----But will you be sure to +keep the secret? + +_Scrub._ Pho! upon my honour, as I'm a gentleman. + +_Arch._ 'Tis enough----You must know then, that my master is the Lord +Viscount Aimwell: he fought a duel t'other day in London, wounded his +man so dangerously, that he thinks fit to withdraw, till he hears +whether the gentleman's wounds be mortal or not. He never was in this +part of England before, so he chose to retire to this place, that's all. + +_Gip._ And, that's enough for me. [_Exit._ + +_Scrub._ And where were you, when your master fought? + +_Arch._ We never know of our master's quarrels. + +_Scrub._ No! if our masters in the country here receive a challenge, the +first thing they do, is to tell their wives; the wife tells the +servants, the servants alarm the tenants, and in half an hour, you shall +have the whole country up in arms. + +_Arch._ To hinder two men from doing what they have no mind for.--But, +if you should chance to talk now of this business---- + +_Scrub._ Talk! Ah, sir, had I not learned the knack of holding my +tongue, I had never lived so long in a great family. + +_Arch._ Ay, ay, to be sure, there are secrets in all families. + +_Scrub._ Secrets, O lud!----But I'll say no more--Come, sit down, we'll +make an end of our tankard:--Here---- + +_Arch._ With all my heart; who knows but you and I may come to be better +acquainted, eh?----Here's your ladies' health--You have three, I think, +and to be sure there must be secrets among them? + +_Scrub._ Secrets! ah, friend, friend! I wish I had a friend. + +_Arch._ Am not I your friend? Come, you and I will be sworn brothers. + +_Scrub._ Shall we? + +_Arch._ From this minute--Give me a kiss----and now, brother Scrub---- + +_Scrub._ And now, brother Martin, I will tell you a secret, that will +make your hair stand on end.--You must know, that I am consumedly in +love. + +_Arch._ That's a terrible secret, that's the truth on't. + +_Scrub._ That jade, Gipsey, that was with us just now in the cellar, is +the arrantest whore that ever wore a petticoat, and I'm dying for love +of her. + +_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha!--are you in love with her person or her virtue, +brother Scrub? + +_Scrub._ I should like virtue best, because it is more durable than +beauty; for virtue holds good with some women long and many a day after +they have lost it. + +_Arch._ In the country, I grant ye, where no woman's virtue is lost, +till a bastard be found. + +_Scrub._ Ay, could I bring her to a bastard, I should have her all to +myself; but I dare not put it upon that lay, for fear of being sent for +a soldier.--Pray, brother, how do you gentlemen in London like that same +pressing act? + +_Arch._ Very ill, brother Scrub;----'Tis the worst that ever was made +for us;--formerly I remembered the good days when we could dun our +masters for our wages, and if they refused to pay us, we could have a +warrant to carry them before a justice: but now if we talk of eating, +they have a warrant for us and carry us before three justices. + +_Scrub._ And to be sure we go, if we talk of eating; for the +justices won't give their own servants a bad example. Now this is my +misfortune--I dare not speak in the house, while that jade, Gipsey, +dings about like a fury----once I had the better end of the staff. + +_Arch._ And how comes the change now? + +_Scrub._ Why, the mother of all this mischief is a priest. + +_Arch._ A priest! + +_Scrub._ Ay, a damn'd son of a whore of Babylon, that came over hither +to say grace to the French officers, and eat up our provisions--There's +not a day goes over his head without a dinner or supper in this house. + +_Arch._ How came he so familiar in the family? + +_Scrub._ Because he speaks English as if he had lived here all his life, +and tells lies as if he had been a traveller from his cradle. + +_Arch._ And this priest, I'm afraid, has converted the affection of your +Gipsey. + +_Scrub._ Converted! ay, and perverted, my dear friend--for, I'm afraid +he has made her a whore, and a papist--but this is not all; there's the +French count and Mrs. Sullen, they're in the confederacy, and for some +private ends of their own too, to be sure. + +_Arch._ A very hopeful family yours, brother Scrub; I suppose the maiden +lady has her lover too? + +_Scrub._ Not that I know--She's the best of them, that's the truth +on't: but they take care to prevent my curiosity, by giving me so much +business, that I'm a perfect slave--What d'ye think is my place in this +family? + +_Arch._ Butler, I suppose. + +_Scrub._ Ah, lord help you--I'll tell you--Of a Monday I drive the +coach, of a Tuesday I drive the plough, on Wednesday I follow the +hounds, a Thursday I dun the tenants, on Friday I go to market, on +Saturday I draw warrants, and a Sunday I draw beer. + +_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha! if variety be a pleasure in life, you have enough +on't, my dear brother----but what ladies are those? + +_Scrub._ Ours, ours; that upon the right hand is Mrs. Sullen, and the +other Mrs. Dorinda----don't mind them, sit still, man---- + + _Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I have heard my brother talk of Lord Aimwell, but they say +that his brother is the finer gentleman. + +_Dor._ That's impossible, sister. + +_Mrs. Sul._ He's vastly rich, and very close, they say. + +_Dor._ No matter for that; if I can creep into his heart, I'll open his +breast, I warrant him: I have heard say, that people may be guessed at +by the behaviour of their servants; I could wish we might talk to that +fellow. + +_Mrs. Sul._ So do I; for I think he's a very pretty fellow; come this +way, I'll throw out a lure for him presently. + + [_They walk towards the opposite Side of the Stage_; MRS. + SULLEN _drops her Fan_, ARCHER _runs, takes it up, and gives + it to her_. + +_Arch._ Corn, wine, and oil, indeed----but, I think the wife has the +greatest plenty of flesh and blood; she should be my choice--Ay, ay, say +you so--madam--your ladyship's fan. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O, sir, I thank you--What a handsome bow the fellow made! + +_Dor._ Bow! why I have known several footmen come down from London, set +up here for dancing masters, and carry off the best fortunes in the +country. + +_Arch._ [_Aside._] That project, for aught I know, had been better than +ours----Brother Scrub, why don't you introduce me? + +_Scrub._ Ladies, this is the strange gentleman's servant, that you saw +at church to-day: I understood he came from London, and so I invited him +to the cellar, that he might show me the newest flourish in whetting my +knives. + +_Dor._ And I hope you have made much of him. + +_Arch._ Oh, yes, madam, but the strength of your ladyship's liquor is a +little too potent for the constitution of your humble servant. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What, then you don't usually drink ale? + +_Arch._ No, madam, my constant drink is tea, or a little wine and water; +'tis prescribed me by the physician, for a remedy against the spleen-- + +_Scrub._ O la! O la!--A footman have the spleen! + +_Mrs. Sul._ I thought that distemper had been only proper to people of +quality. + +_Arch._ Madam, like all other fashions, it wears out, and so descends to +their servants; though in a great many of us, I believe it proceeds from +some melancholy particles in the blood, occasioned by the stagnation of +wages. + +_Dor._ How affectedly the fellow talks----How long, pray, have you +served your present master? + +_Arch._ Not long; my life has been mostly spent in the service of the +ladies. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And pray, which service do you like best? + +_Arch._ Madam, the ladies pay best; the honour of serving them is +sufficient wages; there is a charm in their looks, that delivers +a pleasure with their commands, and gives our duty the wings of +inclination. + +_Mrs. Sul._ That flight was above the pitch of a livery; and, sir, would +not you be satisfied to serve a lady again? + +_Arch._ As groom of the chambers, madam, but not as a footman. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I suppose you served as footman before? + +_Arch._ For that reason I would not serve in that post again; for my +memory is too weak for the load of messages that the ladies lay upon +their servants in London: my Lady Howd'ye, the last mistress I served, +called me up one morning, and told me, Martin, go to my Lady Allnight, +with my humble service; tell her, I was to wait on her ladyship +yesterday, and left word with Mrs. Rebecca, that the preliminaries of +the affair she knows of, are stopped till we know the concurrence of the +person that I know of; for which there are circumstances wanting which +we shall accommodate at the old place; but that in the mean time there +is a person about her ladyship, that, from several hints and surmises, +was accessary at a certain time to the disappointments that naturally +attend things, that to her knowledge are of more importance---- + + _Mrs. Sul._ } + Ha! ha! where are you going, sir? + _Dor._ } + +_Arch._ Why, I han't half done----The whole howd'ye was about half an +hour long; so I happened to misplace two syllables, and, was turned off, +and rendered incapable---- + +_Dor._ The pleasantest fellow, sister, I ever saw.--But, friend, if your +master be married,----I presume you still serve a lady. + +_Arch._ No, madam, I take care never to come into a married family; the +commands of the master and mistress are always so contrary, that 'tis +impossible to please both. + +_Dor._ There's a main point gained----My lord is not married, I find. +[_Aside._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ But I wonder, friend, that in so many good services, you had +not a better provision made for you. + +_Arch._ I don't know how, madam----I am very well as I am---- + +_Mrs. Sul._ Something for a pair of gloves. [_Offering him Money._ + +_Arch._ I humbly beg leave to be excused; my master, madam, pays me, nor +dare I take money from any other hand, without injuring his honour, and +disobeying his commands. + +_Scrub._ Brother Martin, brother Martin. + +_Arch._ What do you say, brother Scrub? + +_Scrub._ Take the money, and give it to me. [_Exeunt_ ARCHER _and_ SCRUB. + +_Dor._ This is surprising: did you ever see so pretty a well-bred +fellow? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The devil take him, for wearing that livery. + +_Dor._ I fancy, sister, he may be some gentleman, a friend of my lord's, +that his lordship has pitched upon for his courage, fidelity, and +discretion, to bear him company in this dress, and who, ten to one, was +his second. + +_Mrs. Sul._ It is so, it must be so, and it shall be so--for I like him. + +_Dor._ What! better than the count? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The count happened to be the most agreeable man upon the +place; and so I chose him to serve me in my design upon my husband----But +I should like this fellow better in a design upon myself. + +_Dor._ But now, sister, for an interview with this lord and this +gentleman; how shall we bring that about? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Patience! you country ladies give no quarter.--Lookye, +Dorinda, if my Lord Aimwell loves you or deserves you, he'll find a way +to see you, and there we must leave it----My business comes now upon the +tapis,----Have you prepared your brother? + +_Dor._ Yes, yes. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And how did he relish it? + +_Dor._ He said little, mumbled something to himself, and promised to be +guided by me: but here he comes.-- + + _Enter_ SULLEN. + +_Sul._ What singing was that I heard just now? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The singing in your head, my dear, you complained of it all +day. + +_Sul._ You're impertinent. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I was ever so, since I became one flesh with you. + +_Sul._ One flesh! rather two carcases joined unnaturally together. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Or rather a living soul coupled to a dead body. + +_Dor._ So, this is fine encouragement for me! + +_Sul._ Yes, my wife shows you what you must do! + +_Mrs. Sul._ And my husband shows you what you must suffer. + +_Sul._ 'Sdeath, why can't you be silent? + +_Mrs. Sul._ 'Sdeath, why can't you talk? + +_Sul._ Do you talk to any purpose? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Do you think to any purpose? + +_Sul._ Sister, harkye--[_Whispers._] I shan't be home till it be late. +[_Exit._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ What did he whisper to ye? + +_Dor._ That he would go round the back way, come into the closet, and +listen, as I directed him.--But let me beg once more, dear sister, to +drop this project; for, as I told you before, instead of awaking him to +kindness, you may provoke him to rage; and then who knows how far his +brutality may carry him? + +_Mrs. Sul._ I'm provided to receive him, I warrant you; away! [_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + +_A Gallery in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +_Enter_ LADY BOUNTIFUL _and_ MRS. SULLEN, DORINDA _meeting them_. + + +_Dor._ News, dear sister, news, news! + + _Enter_ ARCHER, _running_. + +_Arch._ Where, where is my Lady Bountiful?----Pray which is the old lady +of you three? + +_Lady B._ I am. + +_Arch._ O madam, the fame of your ladyship's charity, goodness, +benevolence, skill, and ability, have drawn me hither, to implore your +ladyship's help in behalf of my unfortunate master, who is at this +moment breathing his last. + +_Lady B._ Your master! where is he? + +_Arch._ At your gate, madam: drawn by the appearance of your handsome +house, to view it nearer, and walking up the avenue, within five paces +of the courtyard, he was taken ill of a sudden, with a sort of I know +not what: but down he fell, and there he lies. + +_Lady B._ Here, Scrub, Gipsey. + + _Enter_ SCRUB _and_ GIPSEY. + +All run, get my easy-chair down stairs, put the gentleman in it, and +bring him in quickly, quickly. + +_Arch._ Heaven will reward your ladyship for this charitable act. + +_Lady B._ Is your master used to these fits? + +_Arch._ O yes, madam, frequently--I have known him have five or six of a +night. + +_Lady B._ What's his name? + +_Arch._ Lord, madam, he's dying; a minute's care or neglect may save or +destroy his life. + +_Lady B._ Ah, poor gentleman! come, friend, show me the way; I'll see +him brought in myself. [_Exit with_ ARCHER. + +_Dor._ Oh, sister, my heart flutters about strangely; I can hardly +forbear running to his assistance. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And I'll lay my life he deserves your assistance more than +he wants it: did not I tell you that my lord would find a way to come +at you? Love's his distemper, and you must be the physician; put on +all your charms, summon all your fire into your eyes, plant the whole +artillery of your looks against his breast, and down with him. + +_Dor._ O, sister, I'm but a young gunner, I shall be afraid to shoot, +for fear the piece should recoil, and hurt myself. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Never fear, you shall see me shoot before you, if you will. + +_Dor._ No, no, dear sister, you have missed your mark so unfortunately, +that I shan't care for being instructed by you. + + _Enter_ AIMWELL, _in a Chair, carried by_ ARCHER _and_ + SCRUB; LADY BOUNTIFUL, GIPSEY. AIMWELL _counterfeiting a + Swoon_. + +_Lady B._ Here, here, let's see--the hartshorn drops--Gipsey, a glass +of fair water, his fit's very strong.--Bless me, how his hands are +clenched! + +_Arch._ For shame, ladies, what d'ye do? why don't you help us?--Pray, +madam, [_To_ DORINDA.] take his hand, and open it, if you can, whilst I +hold his head. [DORINDA _takes his Hand_. + +_Dor._ Poor gentleman--Oh--he has got my hand within his, and squeezes +it unmercifully---- + +_Lady B._ 'Tis the violence of his convulsion, child. + +_Arch._ Oh, madam, he's perfectly possessed in these cases--he'll bite +you, if you don't have a care. + +_Dor._ Oh, my hand, my hand! + +_Lady B._ What's the matter with the foolish girl? I have got this hand +open you see with a great deal of ease. + +_Arch._ Ay, but, madam, your daughter's hand is somewhat warmer than +your ladyship's, and the heat of it draws the force of the spirits that +way. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I find, friend, you are very learned in these sort of fits. + +_Arch._ 'Tis no wonder, madam, for I'm often troubled with them myself; +I find myself extremely ill at this minute. [_Looking hard at_ MRS. +SULLEN. + +_Mrs. Sul._ [_Aside._] I fancy I could find a way to cure you. + +_Lady B._ His fit holds him very long. + +_Arch._ Longer than usual, madam.---- + +_Lady B._ Where did his illness take him first, pray! + +_Arch._ To-day, at church, madam. + +_Lady B._ In what manner was he taken? + +_Arch._ Very strangely, my lady. He was of a sudden touched with +something in his eyes, which at the first he only felt, but could not +tell whether 'twas pain or pleasure. + +_Lady B._ Wind, nothing but wind.----Your master should never go without +a bottle to smell to----Oh!----he recovers----the lavender water----some +feathers to burn under his nose--Hungary water to rub his temples----Oh, +he comes to himself. Hem a little, sir, hem----Gipsey, bring the cordial +water. [AIMWELL _seems to awake in amaze_. + +_Dor._ How do you, sir? + +_Aim._ Where am I? [_Rising._ + + Sure I have passed the gulf of silent death, + And now am landed on the Elysian shore. + Behold the goddess of those happy plains, + Fair Proserpine--let me adore thy bright divinity. + + [_Kneels to_ DORINDA, _and kisses her Hand_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ So, so, so; I knew where the fit would end. + + _Aim._ Eurydice, perhaps---- + How could thy Orpheus keep his word, + And not look back upon thee; + No treasure but thyself could sure have brib'd him + To look one minute off thee. + +_Lady B._ Delirious, poor gentleman. + +_Arch._ Very delirious, madam, very delirious. + +_Aim._ Martin's voice, I think. + +_Arch._ Yes, my lord--How does your lordship? + +_Lady B._ Lord! did you mind that, girls? + +_Aim._ Where am I? + +_Arch._ In very good hands, sir--You were taken just now with one of +your old fits, under the trees, just by this good lady's house; her +ladyship had you taken in, and has miraculously brought you to yourself, +as you see---- + +_Aim._ I am so confounded with shame, madam, that I can now only beg +pardon----And refer my acknowledgments for your ladyship's care till an +opportunity offers of making some amends--I dare be no longer +troublesome--Martin, give two guineas to the servants. [_Going._ + +_Dor._ Sir, you may catch cold by going so soon into the air; you don't +look, sir, as if you were perfectly recovered. + + [ARCHER _talks to_ LADY BOUNTIFUL _in dumb Show_. + +_Aim._ That I shall never be, madam: my present illness is so rooted, +that I must expect to carry it to my grave. + +_Lady B._ Come, sir, your servant has been telling me that you are apt +to relapse, if you go into the air--Your good manners shan't get the +better of ours--You shall sit down again, sir:--Come, sir, we don't mind +ceremonies in the country--Here, Gipsey, bring the cordial water.--Here, +sir, my service t'ye----You shall taste my water; 'tis a cordial, I can +assure you, and of my own making. + +_Scrub._ Yes, my lady makes very good water. + +_Lady B._ Drink it off, sir: [AIMWELL _drinks_.] And how d'ye find +yourself now, sir? + +_Aim._ Somewhat better----though very faint still. + +_Lady B._ Ay, ay, people are always faint after these fits. Come, +girls, you shall show the gentleman the house; 'tis but an old family +building, sir; but you had better walk about, and cool by degrees, +than venture immediately into the air----You'll find some tolerable +pictures--Dorinda, show the gentleman the way. I must go to the poor +woman below. [_Exit._ + +_Dor._ This way, sir. + +_Aim._ Ladies, shall I beg leave for my servant to wait on you, for he +understands pictures very well. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Sir, we understand originals, as well as he does pictures, +so he may come along. + + [_Exeunt_ DORINDA _and_ AIMWELL, MRS. SULLEN _and_ + ARCHER--SCRUB _sits down_. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ 'Save you, master Scrub. + +_Scrub._ Sir, I won't be saved your way----I hate a priest, I abhor the +French, and I defy the devil--Sir, I'm a bold Briton, and will spill the +last drop of my blood to keep out popery and slavery. + +_Foig._ Master Scrub, you would put me down in politics, and so I would +be speaking with Mrs. Gipsey. + +_Scrub._ Good Mr. Priest, you can't speak with her; she's sick, sir; +she's gone abroad, sir; she's--dead two months ago, sir. + + _Enter_ GIPSEY. + +_Gip._ How now, impudence! How dare you talk so saucily to the doctor? +Pray, sir, don't take it ill; for the common people of England are not +so civil to strangers, as---- + +_Scrub._ You lie, you lie:--'tis the common people, such as you are, +that are civilest to strangers. + +_Gip._ Sirrah, I have a good mind to--Get you out, I say! + +_Scrub._ I won't! + +_Gip._ You won't, sauce-box!--Pray, doctor, what is the captain's name +that came to your inn last night? + +_Scrub._ The captain! ah, the devil, there she hampers me again;--the +captain has me on one side, and the priest on t'other:--So between the +gown and the sword, I have a fine time on't. + +_Gip._ What, sirrah, won't you march? + +_Scrub._ No, my dear, I won't march--but I'll walk:--And I'll make bold +to listen a little too. [_Goes behind the Side Scene, and listens._ + +_Gip._ Indeed, doctor, the count has been barbarously treated, that's +the truth on't. + +_Foig._ Ah, Mrs. Gipsey, upon my shoul, now, gra, his complainings would +mollify the marrow in your bones, and move the bowels of your +commiseration; he veeps, and he dances, and he fistles, and he swears, +and he laughs, and he stamps, and he sings: in conclusion, joy, he's +afflicted, _a la Francois_, and a stranger, would not know whider to cry +or to laugh with him. + +_Gip._ What would you have me do, doctor? + +_Foig._ Nothing, joy, but only hide the count in Mrs. Sullen's closet, +when it is dark. + +_Gip._ Nothing! Is that nothing? it would be both a sin and a shame, +doctor. + +_Foig._ Here is twenty Louis d'ors, joy, for your shame; and I will give +you an absolution for the shin. + +_Gip._ But won't that money look like a bribe? + +_Foig._ Dat is according as you shall take it--If you receive the +money before hand, 'twill be _logice_, a bribe; but if you stay till +afterwards, 'twill be only a gratification. + +_Gip._ Well, doctor, I'll take it _logice_----But what must I do with my +conscience, sir? + +_Foig._ Leave dat wid me, joy; I am your priest, gra; and your conscience +is under my hands. + +_Gip._ But should I put the count into the closet-- + +_Foig._ Vell, is dere any shin for a man's being in a closhet? one may +go to prayers in a closhet. + +_Gip._ But if the lady should come into her chamber and go to bed? + +_Foig._ Vel, and is dere any shin in going to bed, joy? + +_Gip._ Ah, but if the parties should meet, doctor? + +_Foig._ Vel den----the parties must be responsible.--Do you begone after +putting the count in the closhet; and leave the shins wid themselves--I +will come with the count to instruct you in your chamber. + +_Gip._ Well, doctor, your religion is so pure, that I'm resolved to die +a martyr to't----Here's the key of the garden door; come in the back +way, when 'tis late--I'll be ready to receive you; but don't so much as +whisper, only take hold of my hand; I'll lead you, and do you lead the +count, and follow me. [_Exeunt._ + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +_Scrub._ What witchcraft now have these two imps of the devil been +a-hatching here?--There's twenty Louis d'ors! I heard that, and saw the +purse: but I must give room to my betters. [_Exit._ + + _Enter_ AIMWELL, _leading_ DORINDA, _and making love in dumb + Show_; MRS. SULLEN, _and_ ARCHER. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, [_To_ ARCHER.] how d'ye like that piece? + +_Arch._ O, 'tis Leda--You find, madam, how Jupiter came disguised to +make love-- + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, what head is that in the corner, there? + +_Arch._ O, madam, 'tis poor Ovid in his exile. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What was he banished for? + +_Arch._ His ambitious love, madam. [_Bowing._] His misfortune touches +me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Was he successful in his amours? + +_Arch._ There he has left us in the dark--He was too much a gentleman to +tell. + +_Mrs. Sul._ If he were secret, I pity him. + +_Arch._ And if he were successful I envy him. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How d'ye like that Venus over the chimney? + +_Arch._ Venus! I protest, madam, I took it for your picture: but now I +look again, 'tis not handsome enough. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Oh, what a charm is flattery! if you would see my picture, +there it is, over that cabinet--How d'ye like it? + +_Arch._ I must admire any thing, madam, that has the least resemblance +of you----But methinks, madam,--[_He looks at the Picture and_ MRS. +SULLEN _Three or Four Times, by Turns_.] Pray, madam, who drew it? + +_Mrs. Sul._ A famous hand, sir. [_Exeunt_ AIMWELL _and_ DORINDA. + +_Arch._ A famous hand, madam! Your eyes, indeed, are featured there; but +where's the sparkling moisture, shining fluid, in which they swim? The +picture, indeed, has your dimples, but where's the swarm of killing +Cupids, that should ambush there? The lips too are figured out; but +where's the carnation dew, the pouting ripeness that tempts the taste in +the original? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Had it been my lot to have matched with such a man! [_Aside._ + +_Arch._ Your breasts too; presumptuous man! what! paint heaven! Apropos, +madam, in the very next picture is Salmoneus, that was struck dead with +lightning, for offering to imitate Jove's thunder; I hope you served the +painter so, madam. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Had my eyes the power of thunder, they should employ their +lightning better. + +_Arch._ There's the finest bed in that room, madam; I suppose 'tis your +ladyship's bedchamber? + +_Mrs. Sul._ And what then, sir? + +_Arch._ I think the quilt is the richest that ever I saw----I can't at +this distance, madam, distinguish the figures of the embroidery: will +you give me leave, madam? + +_Mrs. Sul._ The devil take his impudence--Sure, if I gave him an +opportunity, he durst not offer it--I have a great mind to try.--[_Going. +--Returns._] 'Sdeath, what am I doing?--And alone too;----Sister, sister! +[_Exit._ + +_Arch._ I'll follow her close---- + For where a Frenchman durst attempt to storm, + A Briton, sure may well the work perform. [_Going._ + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +_Scrub._ Martin, brother Martin! + +_Arch._ O brother Scrub, I beg your pardon, I was not a-going: here's a +guinea my master ordered you. + +_Scrub._ A guinea! hi, hi, hi, a guinea! eh----by this light it is a +guinea; but I suppose you expect one and twenty shillings in change. + +_Arch._ Not at all; I have another for Gipsey. + +_Scrub._ A guinea for her! Fire and faggot for the witch.----Sir, give +me that guinea, and I'll discover a plot. + +_Arch._ A plot? + +_Scrub._ Ay, sir, a plot, a horrid plot--First, it must be a plot, +because there's a woman in't: secondly, it must be a plot, because +there's a priest in't: thirdly, it must be a plot, because there's +French gold in't: and fourthly, it must be a plot, because I don't know +what to make on't. + +_Arch._ Nor any body else, I'm afraid, brother Scrub. + +_Scrub._ Truly I'm afraid so too; for where there's a priest and a +woman, there's always a mystery and a riddle--This, I know, that here +has been the doctor with a temptation in one hand, and an absolution in +the other, and Gipsey has sold herself to the devil; I saw the price +paid down, my eyes shall take their oath on't. + +_Arch._ And is all this bustle about Gipsey? + +_Scrub._ That's not all; I could hear but a word here and there; but I +remember they mentioned a count, a closet, a back door, and a key. + +_Arch._ The count! did you hear nothing of Mrs. Sullen? + +_Scrub._ I did hear some word that sounded that way: but whether it was +Sullen or Dorinda I could not distinguish. + +_Arch._ You have told this matter to nobody, brother? + +_Scrub._ Told! no, sir, I thank you for that; I'm resolved never to +speak one word, _pro_ nor _con_, till we have a peace. + +_Arch._ You are i'the right, brother Scrub; here's a treaty a-foot +between the count and the lady.--The priest and the chambermaid are +plenipotentiaries----It shall go hard, but I'll find a way to be +included in the treaty. Where's the doctor now? + +_Scrub._ He and Gipsey are this moment devouring my lady's marmalade in +the closet. + +_Aim._ [_From without._] Martin, Martin! + +_Arch._ I come, sir, I come. + +_Scrub._ But you forget the other guinea, brother Martin. + +_Arch._ Here, I give it with all my heart. [_Exit_ ARCHER. + +_Scrub._ And I take it with all my soul. I'cod, I'll spoil your +plotting, Mrs. Gipsey; and if you should set the captain upon me, these +two guineas will buy me off. [_Exit_ SCRUB. + + _Enter_ MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA, _meeting_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Well, sister. + +_Dor._ And well, sister. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What's become of my lord? + +_Dor._ What's become of his servant? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Servant! he's a prettier fellow and a finer gentleman by +fifty degrees than his master. + +_Dor._ O' my conscience, I fancy you could beg that fellow at the +gallows' foot. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O' my conscience, I could, provided I could put a friend of +yours in his room. + +_Dor._ You desired me, sister, to leave you, when you transgressed the +bounds of honour. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Thou dear censorious country girl--What dost mean? You can't +think of the man without the bedfellow, I find. + +_Dor._ I don't find any thing unnatural in that thought. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How a little love and conversation improve a woman! Why, +child, you begin to live--you never spoke before. + +_Dor._ Because I was never spoke to before: my lord has told me, that I +have more wit and beauty than any of my sex; and truly I begin to think +the man is sincere. + +_Mrs. Sul._ You are in the right, Dorinda; pride is the life of a woman, +and flattery is our daily bread--But I'll lay you a guinea that I had +finer things said to me than you had. + +_Dor._ Done----What did your fellow say to ye? + +_Mrs. Sul._ My fellow took the picture of Venus for mine. + +_Dor._ But my lover took me for Venus herself. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Common cant! had my spark called me a Venus directly, I +should have believed him a footman in good earnest. + +_Dor._ But my lover was upon his knees to me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ And mine was upon his tiptoes to me. + +_Dor._ Mine vowed to die for me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Mine swore to die with me. + +_Dor._ Mine kissed my hand ten thousand times. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Mine has all that pleasure to come. + +_Dor._ Mine spoke the softest moving things. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Ay, ay, mine had his moving things too. + +_Dor._ Mine offered marriage. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O lard! d'ye call that a moving thing? + +_Dor._ The sharpest arrow in his quiver, my dear sister; Why, my twenty +thousand pounds may lie brooding here this seven years, and hatch +nothing at last but some illnatured clown, like yours;--Whereas, if I +marry my Lord Aimwell, there will be title, place, and precedence, the +park, the play, and the drawing-room, splendour, equipage, noise, and +flambeaux--Hey, my Lady Aimwell's servants there--lights, lights to the +stairs--My Lady Aimwell's coach, put forward--stand by; make room for +her ladyship----Are not these things moving? What! melancholy of a +sudden? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Happy, happy sister! your angel has been watchful for your +happiness, whilst mine has slept, regardless of his charge----Long +smiling years of circling joys for you, but not one hour for me! [_Weeps._ + +_Dor._ Come, my dear, we'll talk of something else. + +_Mrs. Sul._ O, Dorinda, I own myself a woman, full of my sex, a gentle, +generous soul--easy and yielding to soft desires; a spacious heart, +where love and all his train might lodge; and must the fair apartment +of my breast be made a stable for a brute to lie in? + +_Dor._ Meaning your husband, I suppose. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Husband!--Even husband is too soft a name for him.--But, +come, I expect my brother here to-night or to-morrow; he was abroad when +my father married me: perhaps he'll find a way to make me easy. + +_Dor._ Will you promise not to make yourself uneasy in the mean time +with my lord's friend? + +_Mrs. Sul._ You mistake me, sister--It happens with us as among the men, +the greatest talkers are the greatest cowards; and there's a reason for +it; those spirits evaporate in prattle, which might do more mischief +if they took another course----Though, to confess the truth, I do love +that fellow;--and if I met him dressed as he should be,----Lookye, +sister, I have no supernatural gifts;----I can't swear I could resist +the temptation----though I can safely promise to avoid it; and that's as +much as the best of us can do. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_The Inn._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ ARCHER _laughing_. + + +_Arch._ And the awkward kindness of the good motherly old gentlewoman---- + +_Aim._ And the coming easiness of the young one--'Sdeath, 'tis pity to +deceive her. + +_Arch._ Nay, if you adhere to those principles, stop where you are. + +_Aim._ I can't stop; for I love her to distraction. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath, if you love her a hair's breadth beyond discretion, you +must go no farther. + +_Aim._ Well, well, any thing to deliver us from sauntering away our idle +evenings at White's, Tom's, or Will's--But now---- + +_Arch._ Ay, now is the time to prevent all this--Strike while the iron +is hot--The priest is the luckiest part of our adventure; he shall marry +you, and pimp for me. But here comes the doctor; I shall be ready. +[_Exit._ + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ Shave you, noble friend. + +_Aim._ O sir, your servant; Pray, doctor, may I crave your name? + +_Foig._ Fat naam is upon me? My naam is Foigard, joy. + +_Aim._ Foigard! a very good name for a clergyman; Pray, Doctor Foigard, +were you ever in Ireland? + +_Foig._ Ireland! No, joy:--Fat sort of plaace is dat shame Ireland? Dey +say de people are catched dere when dey are young. + +_Aim._ And some of them here, when they are old;--as for example--[_Takes_ +FOIGARD _by the Shoulder_.] Sir, I arrest you as a traitor against the +government; you are a subject of England, and this morning showed me a +commission, by which you served as chaplain in the French army: This is +death by our law, and your reverence must hang for't. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, noble friend, dis is strange news you tell me, +Fader Foigard a subject of England--de son of a Burgomaster of Brussels +a subject of England, Ubooboo-- + +_Aim._ The son of a bog trotter in Ireland: sir, your tongue will +condemn you before any bench in the kingdom. + +_Foig._ And is my tongue all your evidensh, joy? + +_Aim._ That's enough. + +_Foig._ No, no, joy, for I will never spaake de English no more. + +_Aim._ Sir, I have other evidence.--Here, Martin, you know this fellow. + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Aim._ [_In a Brogue._] Shave you, my dear cussen, how does your health? + +_Foig._ Ah! upon my shoul dere is my countryman and his brogue will hang +mine. [_Aside._] _Mynhere, ick wet neat wat hey zacht, ick univirston +ewe, neat, sacrament._ + +_Aim._ Altering your language won't do, sir, this fellow knows your +person, and will swear to your face. + +_Foig._ Faash! fey, is dere brogue upon my faash too? + +_Arch._ Upon my shalvation dere ish, joy,----But, Cussen Mackshane, vill +you not put a remembrance upon me? + +_Foig._ Mackshane! by St. Patrick, dat is my naam shure enough. [_Aside._ + +_Aim._ I fancy, Archer, you have it. + +_Foig._ The devil hang you, joy----By fat acquaintance are you my +cussen? + +_Arch._ O, de devil hang your shelf, joy; you know we were little boys +togeder upon de school, and your foster moder's son was married upon my +nurse's chister, joy, and so we are Irish cussens. + +_Foig._ De devil taake de relation! Vel, joy, and fat school was it? + +_Arch._ I think it vas--aay--'Twas Tipperary. + +_Foig._ Now, upon my shoul, joy, it was Kilkenny. + +_Aim._ That's enough for us--self confession--Come, sir, we must deliver +you into the hands of the next magistrate. + +_Arch._ He sends you to gaol, you are tried next assizes, and away you +go swing into purgatory. + +_Foig._ And is it sho wid you cussen? + +_Arch._ It will be sho wid you, cussen, if you don't immediately confess +the secret between you and Mrs. Gipsey--Lookye, sir, the gallows or the +secret, take your choice. + +_Foig._ The gallows! upon my shoul I hate that shame gallows, for it +is a diseash dat is fatal to our family.--Vel den, there is nothing, +shentlemens, but Mrs. Sullen would spaak wid the count in her chamber +at midnight, and dere is no harm, joy, for I am to conduct the count to +the plaash myself. + +_Arch._ As I guessed.----Have you communicated the matter to the count? + +_Foig._ I have not sheen him since. + +_Arch._ Right again; why then, doctor;--you shall conduct me to the lady +instead of the count. + +_Foig._ Fat, my cussen to the lady! upon my shoul, gra, dat's too much +upon the brogue. + +_Arch._ Come, come, doctor, consider we have got a rope about your neck, +and if you offer to squeak, we'll stop your windpipe, most certainly; we +shall have another job for you in a day or two, I hope. + +_Aim._ Here's company coming this way; let's into my chamber, and there +concert our affairs further. + +_Arch._ Come, my dear cussen, come along. + +_Foig._ Arra, the devil taake our relashion. [_Exeunt._ + + _Enter_ BONIFACE, HOUNSLOW, _and_ BAGSHOT, _at one Door_, + GIBBET _at the opposite_. + +_Gib._ Well, gentlemen, 'tis a fine night for our enterprize. + +_Houns._ Dark as hell. + +_Bag._ And blows like the devil: our landlord here has shown us the +window where we must break in, and tells us the plate stands in the +wainscot cupboard in the parlour. + +_Bon._ Ay, ay, Mr. Bagshot, as the saying is, knives and forks, cups and +cans, tumblers and tankards.--There's one tankard, as the saying is, +that's near upon as big as me: it was a present to the 'squire from his +godmother, and smells of nutmeg and toast, like an East India ship. + +_Houns._ Then you say we must divide at the stair-head. + +_Bon._ Yes, Mr. Hounslow, as the saying is----at one end of the gallery +lies my Lady Bountiful and her daughter, and at the other, Mrs. +Sullen--as for the 'squire.---- + +_Gib._ He's safe enough; I have fairly entered him, and he's more than +half seas over already--But such a parcel of scoundrels are got about +him there, that, egad, I was ashamed to be seen in their company. + +_Bon._ 'Tis now twelve, as the saying is--gentlemen, you must set out at +one. + +_Gib._ Hounslow, do you and Bagshot see our arms fixed, and I'll come to +you presently. + +_Houns. and Bag._ We will. [_Exeunt_ HOUNSLOW _and_ BAGSHOT. + +_Gib._ Well, my dear Bonny, you assure me that Scrub is a coward. + +_Bon._ A chicken, as the saying is--you'll have no creature to deal with +but the ladies. + +_Gib._ And I can assure you, friend, there's a great deal of address +and good manners in robbing a lady: I am the most a gentleman that way +that ever travelled the road.--But, my dear Bonny, this prize will be a +galleon, a Vigo business----I warrant you, we shall bring off three or +four thousand pounds. + +_Bon._ In plate, jewels, and money, as the saying is, you may. + +_Gib._ Why, then, Tyburn, I defy thee: I'll get up to town, sell off my +horse and arms, buy myself some pretty employment in the law, and be as +snug and as honest as e'er a long gown of them all. + +_Bon._ And what think you, then, of my daughter Cherry for a wife? + +_Gib._ Lookye, my dear Bonny, _Cherry is the goddess I adore_, as the +song goes; but it is a maxim, that man and wife should never have it in +their power to hang one another; for, if they should, the Lord have +mercy upon them both. [_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + +_The Inn._ + +_Knocking without._ + +_Enter_ BONIFACE. + + +_Bon._ Coming, coming--a coach and six foaming horses at this time +o'night! some great man, as the saying is, for he scorns to travel with +other people. + + _Enter_ SIR CHARLES FREEMAN. + +_Sir C._ What, fellow! a public house, and abed when other people sleep? + +_Bon._ Sir, I an't abed, as the saying is. + +_Sir C._ I see that, as the saying is! Is Mr. Sullen's family abed, +think ye? + +_Bon._ All but the 'squire himself, sir, as the saying is; he's in the +house. + +_Sir C._ What company has he? + +_Bon._ Why, sir, there's the constable, Mr. Gage, the exciseman, the +hunch-backed barber, and two or three other gentlemen. + +_Sir C._ I find my sister's letters gave me the true picture of her +spouse. + + _Enter_ SULLEN, _drunk_. + +_Bon._ Sir, here's the 'squire. + +_Sul._ The puppies left me asleep----sir. + +_Sir C._ Well, sir. + +_Sul._ Sir, I am an unfortunate man--I have three thousand pounds a +year, and I can't get a man to drink a cup of ale with me. + +_Sir C._ That's very hard. + +_Sul._ Ay, sir,--and unless you have pity upon me, and smoke one pipe +with me, I must e'en go home to my wife, and I had rather go to the +devil by half. + +_Sir C._ But I presume, sir, you won't see your wife to-night, she'll be +gone to bed----you don't use to lie with your wife in that pickle. + +_Sul._ What! not lie with my wife! Why, sir, do you take me for an +atheist, or a rake? + +_Sir C._ If you hate her, sir, I think you had better lie from her. + +_Sul._ I think so too, friend----but I am a justice of peace, and must +do nothing against the law. + +_Sir C._ Law! as I take it, Mr. Justice, nobody observes law for law's +sake, only for the good of those for whom it was made. + +_Sul._ But if the law orders me to send you to gaol, you must lie there, +my friend. + +_Sir C._ Not unless I commit a crime to deserve it. + +_Sul._ A crime! oons, an't I married? + +_Sir C._ Nay, sir, if you call marriage a crime, you must disown it for +a law. + +_Sul._ Eh!--I must be acquainted with you, sir,--but, sir, I should be +very glad to know the truth of this matter. + +_Sir C._ Truth, sir, is a profound sea, and few there be that dare wade +deep enough to find out the bottom on't. Besides, sir, I am afraid the +line of your understanding mayn't be long enough. + +_Sul._ Lookye, sir, I have nothing to say to your sea of truth; but if a +good parcel of land can entitle a man to a little truth, I have as much +as any he in the county. + +_Bon._ I never heard your worship, as the saying is, talk so much +before. + +_Sul._ Because I never met with a man that I liked before. + +_Bon._ Pray, sir, as the saying is, let me ask you one question: are not +man and wife one flesh? + +_Sir C._ You and your wife, Mr. Guts, may be one flesh, because you are +nothing else----but rational creatures have minds that must be united. + +_Sul._ Minds! + +_Sir C._ Ay, minds, sir; don't you think that the mind takes place of +the body? + +_Sul._ In some people. + +_Sir C._ Then the interest of the master must be consulted before that +of his servant. + +_Sul._ Sir, you shall dine with me to-morrow----Oons, I always thought +that we were naturally one. + +_Sir C._ Sir, I know that my two hands are naturally one, because they +love one another, kiss one another, help one another in all the actions +of life; but I could not say so much if they were always at cuffs. + +_Sul._ Then 'tis plain that we are two. + +_Sir C._ Why don't you part with her, sir? + +_Sul._ Will you take her, sir? + +_Sir C._ With all my heart. + +_Sul._ You shall have her to-morrow morning, and a venison pasty into +the bargain. + +_Sir C._ You'll let me have her fortune too? + +_Sul._ Fortune! why, sir, I have no quarrel to her fortune----I only +hate the woman, sir, and none but the woman shall go. + +_Sir C._ But her fortune, sir---- + +_Sul._ Can you play at whist, sir? + +_Sir C._ No, truly, sir. + +_Sul._ Not at all-fours? + +_Sir C._ Neither. + +_Sul._ Oons! where was this man bred? [_Aside._] Burn me, sir, I can't +go home; 'tis but two o'clock. + +_Sir C._ For half an hour, sir, if you please--but you must consider +'tis late. + +_Sul._ Late! that is the reason I can't go to bed--Come, +sir----[_Exeunt._ + + _Enter_ CHERRY; _she runs across the Stage, and knocks at_ + AIMWELL'S _Chamber Door_. _Enter_ AIMWELL. + +_Aim._ What's the matter? you tremble, child; you are frighted! + +_Cher._ No wonder, sir--but, in short, sir, this very minute a gang of +rogues are gone to rob my Lady Bountiful's house. + +_Aim._ How! + +_Cher._ I dogged them to the very door, and left them breaking in. + +_Aim._ Have you alarmed any body else with the news? + +_Cher._ No, no, sir; I wanted to have discovered the whole plot, and +twenty other things, to your man, Martin; but I have searched the whole +house, and can't find him; where is he? + +_Aim._ No matter, child; will you guide me immediately to the house? + +_Cher._ With all my heart, sir: my Lady Bountiful is my godmother, and I +love Mrs. Dorinda so well-- + +_Aim._ Dorinda! the name inspires me! the glory and the danger shall be +all my own----Come, my life, let me but get my sword. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE II. + +_A Bedchamber in_ LADY BOUNTIFUL'S _House_. + +MRS. SULLEN _and_ DORINDA _discovered; a Table and Lights_. + + +_Dor._ 'Tis very late, sister; no news of your spouse yet? + +_Mrs. Sul._ No; I'm condemned to be alone till towards four, and then, +perhaps, I may be executed with his company. + +_Dor._ Well, my dear, I'll leave you to your rest; you'll go directly to +bed, I suppose. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I don't know what to do; heigho! + +_Dor._ That's a desiring sigh, sister. + +_Mrs. Sul._ This is a languishing hour, sister. + +_Dor._ And might prove a critical minute, if the pretty fellow were +here. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Here? what, in my bedchamber, at two o'clock i'th' morning, +I undressed, the family asleep, my hated husband abroad, and my lovely +fellow at my feet!----O, gad, sister! + +_Dor._ Thoughts are free, sister, and them I allow you--So, my dear, +good night. [_Exit._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ A good rest to my dear Dorinda----Thoughts free! are they +so? why, then, suppose him here, dressed like a youthful, gay, and +burning bridegroom, [ARCHER _steals out of the Closet_.] with tongue +enchanting, eyes bewitching, knees imploring [_Turns a little on one +Side, and sees_ ARCHER _in the Posture she describes_.]--Ah! [_Shrieks, +and runs to the other Side of the Stage._]. Have my thoughts raised a +spirit? What are you, sir? a man, or a devil? + +_Arch._ A man, a man, madam. [_Rising._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ How shall I be sure of it? + +_Arch._ Madam, I'll give you demonstration this minute. [_Takes her +Hand._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ What, sir! do you intend to be rude? + +_Arch._ Yes, madam, if you please. + +_Mrs. Sul._ In the name of wonder, whence came ye? + +_Arch._ From the skies, madam--I'm a Jupiter in love, and you shall be +my Alcmena. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How came you in? + +_Arch._ I flew in at the window, madam; your cousin Cupid lent me his +wings, and your sister Venus opened the casement. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I'm struck dumb with admiration. + +_Arch._ And I with wonder. [_Looks passionately at her._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ What will become of me? + +_Arch._ How beautiful she looks!----the teeming jolly spring smiles in +her blooming face, and when she was conceived, her mother smelt to +roses, looked on lilies---- + + Lilies unfold their white, their fragrant charms, + When the warm sun thus darts into their arms. [_Runs to her._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Ah! [_Shrieks._ + +_Arch._ Oons, madam, what do you mean? you'll raise the house. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Sir, I'll wake the dead, before I bear this. What! approach +me with the freedoms of a keeper! I'm glad on't; your impudence has +cured me. + +_Arch._ If this be impudence, [_Kneels._] I leave to your partial self; +no panting pilgrim, after a tedious, painful, voyage, e'er bowed before +his saint with more devotion. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Now, now, I'm ruined if he kneels. [_Aside._] Rise, thou +prostrate engineer; not all thy undermining skill shall reach my heart. +Rise, and know that I am a woman, without my sex; I can love to all the +tenderness of wishes, sighs, and tears--But go no farther--Still, to +convince you that I'm more than woman, I can speak my frailty, confess +my weakness even for----But---- + +_Arch._ For me! [_Going to lay hold on her._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Hold, sir; build not upon that--for my most mortal hatred +follows, if you disobey what I command you now--leave me this +minute--If he denies, I'm lost. [_Aside._ + +_Arch._ Then you'll promise---- + +_Mrs. Sul._ Any thing another time. + +_Arch._ When shall I come? + +_Mrs. Sul._ To-morrow--when you will. + +_Arch._ Your lips must seal the promise. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pshaw! + +_Arch._ They must, they must. [_Kisses her._] Raptures and paradise! and +why not now, my angel? The time, the place, silence, and secrecy, all +conspire--And the now conscious stars have pre-ordained this moment for +my happiness. [_Takes her in his Arms._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ You will not, cannot, sure. + +_Arch._ If the sun rides fast, and disappoints not mortals of +to-morrow's dawn, this night shall crown my joys. + +_Mrs. Sul._ My sex's pride assist me. + +_Arch._ My sex's strength help me. + +_Mrs. Sul._ You shall kill me first. + +_Arch._ I'll die with you. [_Carrying her off._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Thieves! thieves! murder!---- + + _Enter_ SCRUB, _in his Breeches, and one Shoe_. + +_Scrub._ Thieves! thieves! murder! popery! + +_Arch._ Ha! [_Draws, and offers to stab_ SCRUB. + + [Illustration: BEAUX STRATAGEM + SCRUB: O PRAY SIR SPARE ALL I HAVE AND TAKE MY LIFE. + ACT V SCENE III] + +_Scrub._ [_Kneeling._] O pray, sir, spare all I have, and take my life. + +_Mrs. Sul._ [_Holding_ ARCHER'S _Hand_.] What does the fellow mean? + +_Scrub._ O, madam, down upon your knees, your marrowbones----he's one of +them. + +_Arch._ Of whom? + +_Scrub._ One of the rogues----I beg your pardon, one of the honest +gentlemen, that just now are broke into the house. + +_Arch._ How! + +_Mrs. Sul._ I hope you did not come to rob me? + +_Arch._ Indeed I did, madam, but I would have taken nothing but what you +might very well have spared; but your crying, Thieves, has waked this +dreaming fool, and so he takes them for granted. + +_Scrub._ Granted! 'tis granted, sir; take all we have. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The fellow looks as if he were broke out of Bedlam. + +_Scrub._ Oons, madam, they're broke into the house with fire and sword; +I saw them, heard them, they'll be here this minute. + +_Arch._ What! thieves! + +_Scrub._ Under favour, sir, I think so. + +_Mrs. Sul._ What shall we do, sir? + +_Arch._ Madam, I wish your ladyship a good night. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Will you leave me? + +_Arch._ Leave you! lord, madam, did not you command me to begone just +now, upon pain of your immortal hatred. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Nay, but pray, sir---- [_Takes hold of him._ + +_Arch._ Ha! ha! ha! now comes my turn to be ravished--You see now, +madam, you must use men one way or other; but take this by the way, good +madam, that none but a fool will give you the benefit of his courage, +unless you'll take his love along with it--How are they armed, friend? + +_Scrub._ With sword and pistol, sir. [_He gets under the Table._ + +_Arch._ Hush!----I see a dark lanthorn coming through the +gallery----Madam, be assured I will protect you, or lose my life. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Your life! no, sir, they can rob me of nothing that I value +half so much; therefore now, sir, let me entreat you to begone. + +_Arch._ No, madam, I'll consult my own safety, for the sake of yours; +I'll work by stratagem: have you courage enough to stand the appearance +of them? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Yes, yes; since I have escaped your hands, I can face any +thing. + +_Arch._ Come hither, brother Scrub; don't you know me? + +_Scrub._ Eh! my dear brother, let me kiss thee! [_Kisses_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ This way----Here---- [ARCHER _and_ SCRUB _hide_. + + + _Enter_ GIBBET, _with a dark Lanthorn in one Hand, and a + Pistol in the other_. + +_Gib._ Ay, ay, this is the chamber, and the lady alone. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Who are you, sir? What would you have? D'ye come to rob me? + +_Gib._ Rob you! alack a day, madam, I'm only a younger brother, madam; +and so, madam, if you make a noise, I'll shoot you through the head: but +don't be afraid, madam. [_Laying his Lanthorn and Pistol upon the +Table._] These rings, madam; don't be concerned, madam; I have a +profound respect for you, madam; your keys, madam; don't be frighted, +madam; I'm the most of a gentleman. [_Searching her Pockets._] This +necklace, madam; I never was rude to any lady! I have a veneration--for +this necklace. + + [_Here_ ARCHER, _having come round, and seized the Pistol, + takes_ GIBBET _by the Collar, trips up his Heels, and claps + the Pistol to his Breast_. + +_Arch._ Hold, profane villain, and take the reward of thy sacrilege. + +_Gib._ Oh! pray, sir, don't kill me; I an't prepared. + +_Arch._ How many is there of them, Scrub? + +_Scrub._ Five and forty, sir. + +_Arch._ Then I must kill the villain, to have him out of the way. + +_Gib._ Hold! hold! sir; we are but three, upon my honour. + +_Arch._ Scrub, will you undertake to secure him? + +_Scrub._ Not I, sir; kill him, kill him! + +_Arch._ Run to Gipsey's chamber; there you'll find the doctor; bring him +hither presently. [_Exit_ SCRUB, _running_.] Come, rogue, if you have a +short prayer, say it. + +_Gib._ Sir, I have no prayer at all; the government has provided a +chaplain to say prayers for us on these occasions. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sir, don't kill him: You fright me as much as him. + +_Arch._ The dog shall die, madam, for being the occasion of my +disappointment.--Sirrah, this moment is your last. + +_Gib._ Sir, I'll give you two hundred pounds to spare my life. + +_Arch._ Have you no more, rascal? + +_Gib._ Yes, sir, I can command four hundred; but I must reserve two of +them to save my life at the sessions. + + _Enter_ SCRUB _and_ FOIGARD. + +_Arch._ Here, doctor: I suppose Scrub and you, between you, may manage +him:----Lay hold of him. [FOIGARD _lays hold of_ GIBBET. + +_Gib._ What! turned over to the priest already----Lookye, doctor, you +come before your time; I an't condemned yet, I thank ye. + +_Foig._ Come, my dear joy, I vil secure your body and your shoul too; I +will make you a good catholic, and give you an absolution. + +_Gib._ Absolution! Can you procure me a pardon, doctor? + +_Foig._ No, joy.---- + +_Gib._ Then you and your absolution may go to the devil. + +_Arch._ Convey him into the cellar, there bind him:--Take the pistol, +and if he offers to resist, shoot him through the head,--and come back +to us with all the speed you can. + +_Scrub._ Ay, ay; come, doctor, do you hold him fast, and I'll guard him. +[_Exeunt_ SCRUB, GIBBET, _and_ FOIGARD. + +_Mrs. Sul._ But how came the doctor? + +_Arch._ In short, madam----[_Shrieking without._] 'Sdeath! the rogues +are at work with the other ladies:--I'm vexed I parted with the pistol; +but I must fly to their assistance--Will you stay here, madam, or +venture yourself with me? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Oh, with you, dear sir, with you. [_Takes him by the Arm, +and exeunt._ + + +SCENE III. + +_Another Apartment._ + +_Enter_ HOUNSLOW _and_ BAGSHOT, _with Swords drawn, dragging in_ LADY +BOUNTIFUL _and_ DORINDA. + + +_Houns._ Come, come, your jewels, mistress. + +_Bag._ Your keys, your keys, old gentlewoman. + + _Enter_ AIMWELL. + +_Aim._ Turn this way, villains; I durst engage an army in such a cause. +[_He engages them both._ + + _Enter_ ARCHER _and_ MRS. SULLEN. + +_Arch._ Hold! hold! my lord; every man his bird, pray. + + [_They engage Man to Man; the Rogues are thrown down, and + disarmed._ + +_Arch._ Shall we kill the rogues? + +_Aim._ No, no; we'll bind them. + +_Arch._ Ay, ay; here, madam, lend me your garter. [_To_ MRS. SULLEN, +_who stands by him_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ The devil's in this fellow; he fights, loves, and banters +all in a breath: here's a rope, that the rogues brought with them, I +suppose. + +_Arch._ Right, right, the rogue's destiny, a rope to hang +himself----Come, my lord,----this is but a scandalous sort of an office, +[_Binding the_ ROGUES _together_.] if our adventure should end in this +sort of hangmanwork; but I hope there is something in prospect that-- + + _Enter_ SCRUB. + +Well, Scrub, have you secured your Tartar? + +_Scrub._ Yes, sir, I left the priest and him disputing about religion. + +_Aim._ And pray carry these gentlemen to reap the benefit of the +controversy. [_Delivers the_ PRISONERS _to_ SCRUB, _who leads them out_. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Pray, sister, how came my lord here? + +_Dor._ And pray, how came the gentleman here? + +_Mrs. Sul._ I'll tell you the greatest piece of villainy--[_They talk in +dumb Show._ + +_Aim._ I fancy, Archer, you have been more successful in your adventure +than the housebreakers. + +_Arch._ No matter for my adventure, yours is the principal----Press +her this minute to marry you,--now while she's hurried between the +palpitation of her fear, and the joy of her deliverance, now while the +tide of her spirits are at high-flood:----throw yourself at her feet, +speak some romantic nonsense or other;--confound her senses, bear down +her reason, and away with her:--The priest is now in the cellar, and +dare not refuse to do the work. + +_Aim._ But how shall I get off without being observed? + +_Arch._ You a lover, and not find a way to get off!--Let me see. + +_Aim._ You bleed, Archer. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath, I'm glad on't; this wound will do the business--I'll +amuse the old lady and Mrs. Sullen about dressing my wound, while you +carry off Dorinda. + +_Lady B._ Gentlemen, could we understand how you would be gratified for +the services---- + +_Arch._ Come, come, my lady, this is no time for compliments; I'm +wounded, madam. + +_Lady B. and Mrs. Sul._ How! wounded! + +_Dor._ I hope, sir, you have received no hurt? + +_Aim._ None but what you may cure---- [_Makes love in dumb Show._ + +_Lady B._ Let me see your arm, sir--I must have some powder sugar, to +stop the blood----O me! an ugly gash; upon my word, sir, you must go +into bed. + +_Arch._ Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well----Madam, [_To_ MRS. +SULLEN.] will you do me the favour to conduct me to a chamber? + +_Lady B._ Do, do, daughter,----while I get the lint, and the probe, and +plaister ready. [_Runs out one Way_; AIMWELL _carries off_ DORINDA +_another_. + +_Arch._ Come, madam, why don't you obey your mother's commands? + +_Mrs. Sul._ How can you, after what is past, have the confidence to ask +me? + +_Arch._ And if you go to that, how can you, after what is past, have +the confidence to deny me?----Was not this blood shed in your defence, +and my life exposed for your protection?--Lookye, madam, I'm none of +your romantic fools, that fight giants and monsters for nothing; my +valour is downright Swiss; I am a soldier of fortune, and must be paid. + +_Mrs. Sul._ 'Tis ungenerous in you, sir, to upbraid me with your +services. + +_Arch._ 'Tis ungenerous in you, madam, not to reward them. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How! at the expense of my honour! + +_Arch._ Honour! Can honour consist with ingratitude? If you would deal +like a woman of honour, do like a man of honour: d'ye think I would deny +you in such a case? + + _Enter_ GIPSEY. + +_Gip._ Madam, my lady ordered me to tell you, that your brother is below +at the gate. + +_Mrs. Sul._ My brother! Heavens be praised:--Sir, he shall thank you for +your services; he has it in his power. + +_Arch._ Who is your brother, madam? + +_Mrs. Sul._ Sir Charles Freeman:----You'll excuse me, sir; I must go and +receive him. [_Exit._ + +_Arch._ Sir Charles Freeman! 'Sdeath and hell!----My old acquaintance. +Now, unless Aimwell has made good use of his time, all our fair machine +goes souse into the sea, like an Eddistone. [_Exit._ + + +SCENE IV. + +_The Gallery in the same House._ + +_Enter_ AIMWELL _and_ DORINDA. + + +_Dor._ Well, well, my lord, you have conquered:--your late generous +action will, I hope, plead for my easy yielding; though, I must own, +your lordship had a friend in the fort before. + +_Aim._ The sweets of Hybla dwell upon her tongue--Here, doctor!---- + + _Enter_ FOIGARD, _with a Book_. + +_Foig._ Are you prepared bote? + +_Dor._ I'm ready. But first, my lord, one word--I have a frightful +example of a hasty marriage in my own family; when I reflect upon't, it +shocks me.--Pray, my lord, consider a little---- + +_Aim._ Consider! Do you doubt my honour, or my love? + +_Dor._ Neither--I do believe you equally just as brave; and were your +whole sex drawn out for me to chuse, I should not cast a look upon the +multitude, if you were absent.--But, my lord, I'm a woman; colours, +concealments, may hide a thousand faults in me--therefore, know me +better first; I hardly dare affirm, I know myself in any thing, except +my love. + +_Aim._ Such goodness who could injure! I find myself unequal to the task +of villain; she has gained my soul, and made it honest like her own--I +cannot hurt her. [_Aside._] Doctor, retire. [_Exit_ FOIGARD.] Madam, +behold your lover, and your proselyte, and judge of my passion by my +conversion.--I'm all a lie, nor dare I give a fiction to your arms;--I +am all a counterfeit, except my passion. + +_Dor._ Forbid it, Heaven!--A counterfeit! + +_Aim._ I am no lord, but a poor, needy man, come with a mean, a +scandalous design, to prey upon your fortune:--But the beauties of your +mind and person, have so won me from myself, that, like a trusty +servant, I prefer the interest of my mistress to my own. + +_Dor._ Pray, sir, who are you? + +_Aim._ Brother to the man, whose title I usurped, but stranger to his +honour or his fortune. + +_Dor._ Matchless honesty!--Once I was proud, sir, of your wealth and +title, but now am prouder that you want it: now I can show, that my love +was justly levelled, and had no aim but love.--Doctor, come in. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD, _at one Door_, GIPSEY _at another, who + whispers_ DORINDA. + +Your pardon, sir; we shan't want you now, sir. You must excuse me--I'll +wait on you presently. [_Exit with_ GIPSEY. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, now, dis is foolish. [_Exit._ + +_Aim._ Gone! and bid the priest depart--It has an ominous look! + + _Enter_ ARCHER. + +_Arch._ Courage, Tom----Shall I wish you joy? + +_Aim._ No. + +_Arch._ Oons, man! what ha' you been doing? + +_Aim._ O Archer, my honesty, I fear, has ruined me. + +_Arch._ How! + +_Aim._ I have discovered myself. + +_Arch._ Discovered! and without my consent?--What! have I embarked my +small remains in the same bottom with yours, and you dispose of all +without my partnership? + +_Aim._ O, Archer, I own my fault. + +_Arch._ After conviction--'tis then too late for pardon.--You may +remember, Mr. Aimwell, that you proposed this folly--As you begun, so +end it--Henceforth, I'll hunt my fortune single--so farewell. + +_Aim._ Stay, my dear Archer, but a minute. + +_Arch._ Stay! What, to be despised, exposed, and laughed at?--No, I +would sooner change conditions with the worst of the rogues we just now +bound, than bear one scornful smile from the proud knight, that once I +treated as my equal. + +_Aim._ What knight? + +_Arch._ Sir Charles Freeman, brother to the lady that I had almost----But, +no matter for that, 'tis a cursed night's work, and so I leave you to +make the best on't. + +_Aim._ Freeman!--One word, Archer--Still I have hopes; methought, she +received my confession with pleasure. + +_Arch._ 'Sdeath! who doubts it? + +_Aim._ She consented after to the match; and still I dare believe she +will be just. + +_Arch._ To herself, I warrant her; as you should have been. + +_Aim._ By all my hopes, she comes! and smiling comes. + + _Enter_ DORINDA, _gaily_. + +_Dor._ Come, my dear lord, I fly with impatience to your arms.--The +minutes of my absence was a tedious year.--Where's this priest? + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Arch._ Oons! a brave girl! + +_Dor._ I suppose, my lord, this gentleman is privy to our affairs? + +_Arch._ Yes, yes, madam, I'm to be your father. + +_Dor._ Come, priest, do your office. + +_Arch._ Make haste, make haste! couple them any way. [_Takes_ AIMWELL'S +_Hand_.] Come, madam, I'm to give you---- + +_Dor._ My mind's altered--I won't. + +_Arch._ Eh! + +_Aim._ I'm confounded! + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, and so is myshelf! + +_Arch._ What's the matter now, madam? + +_Dor._ Lookye, sir, one generous action deserves another.--This +gentleman's honour obliged him to hide nothing from me; my justice +engages me to conceal nothing from him. In short, sir, you are the +person that you thought you counterfeited; you are the true Lord +Viscount Aimwell, and I wish your lordship joy.--Now, priest, you may +begone;--if my lord is now pleased with the match, let his lordship +marry me in the face of the world. + +_Aim._ Archer, what does she mean? + +_Dor._ Here's a witness for my truth. + + _Enter_ SIR CHARLES, _and_ MRS. SULLEN. + +_Sir C._ My dear Lord Aimwell, I wish you joy! + +_Aim._ Of what? + +_Sir C._ Of your honour and estate. Your brother died the day before I +left London; and all your friends have writ after you to Brussels: among +the rest, I did myself the honour. + +_Arch._ Harkye, sir knight, don't you banter now? + +_Sir C._ 'Tis truth, upon my honour. + +_Aim._ Thanks to the pregnant stars, that formed this accident. + +_Arch._ Thanks to the womb of time, that brought it forth--away with +it. + +_Aim._ Thanks to my guardian angel, that led me to the prize. [_Taking_ +DORINDA'S _Hand_. + +_Arch._ And double thanks to the noble Sir Charles Freeman.--My lord, I +wish you joy. My lady, I wish you joy.--Egad, Sir Charles, you're the +honestest fellow living.--'Sdeath! I'm grown strangely airy upon this +matter.----My lord, how d'ye?----A word, my lord: Don't you remember +something of a previous agreement, that entitles me to the moiety of +this lady's fortune, which, I think, will amount to ten thousand pounds? + +_Aim._ Not a penny, Archer: you would have cut my throat just now, +because I would not deceive this lady. + +_Arch._ Ay, and I'll cut your throat still, if you should deceive her +now. + +_Aim._ That's what I expect; and to end the dispute, the lady's fortune +is twenty thousand pounds, we'll divide stakes; take the twenty thousand +pounds, or the lady. + +_Dor._ How! is your lordship so indifferent? + +_Arch._ No, no, no, madam! his lordship knows very well, that I'll take +the money; I leave you to his lordship, and so we are both provided for. + + _Enter_ FOIGARD. + +_Foig._ Arra fait, de people do say, you be all robbed, joy. + +_Aim._ The ladies have been in some danger, sir, as you saw. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, our inn be rob too. + +_Aim._ Our inn! By whom? + +_Foig._ Upon my shalvation, our landlord has robbed himself, and run +away wid da money. + +_Arch._ Robbed himself! + +_Foig._ Ay, fait! and me too, of a hundred pounds. + +_Arch._ Robbed you of a hundred pounds! + +_Foig._ Yes, fait, honey, that I did owe to him. + +_Aim._ Our money's gone, Frank! + +_Arch._ Rot the money! my wench is gone. + +_Sir C._ This good company meets opportunely in favour of a design I +have in behalf of my unfortunate sister: I intend to part her from her +husband. Gentlemen, will you assist me? + +_Arch._ Assist you!--'Sdeath! who would not? + +_Foig._ Ay, upon my shoul, we'll all ashist. + + _Enter_ SULLEN. + +_Sul._ What's all this?----They tell me, spouse, that you had like to +have been robbed. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Truly, spouse, I was pretty near it--had not these two +gentlemen interposed. + +_Sul._ How came these gentlemen here? + +_Mrs. Sul._ That's his way of returning thanks, you must know. + +_Foig._ Ay, but upon my conshience, de question be apropos, for all dat. + +_Sir C._ You promised, last night, sir, that you would deliver your lady +to me this morning. + +_Sul._ Humph! + +_Arch._ Humph! what do you mean by humph?--Sir, you shall deliver +her----In short, sir, we have saved you and your family, and if you are +not civil, we'll unbind the rogues, join with them, and set fire to your +house.--What does the man mean? Not part with his wife! + +_Foig._ Arra, not part wid your wife! Upon my shoul, de man dosh not +understand common shivility. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Hold, gentlemen, all things here must move by consent: +compulsion would spoil us. Let my dear and I talk the matter over, and +you shall judge it between us. + +_Sul._ Let me know, first, who are to be our judges.--Pray, sir, who are +you? + +_Sir C._ I am Sir Charles Freeman, come to take away your wife. + +_Sul._ And you, good sir? + +_Aim._ Thomas, Viscount Aimwell, come to take away your sister. + +_Sul._ And you, pray, sir? + +_Arch._ Francis Archer, Esq. come---- + +_Sul._ To take away my mother, I hope.--Gentlemen, you are heartily +welcome: I never met with three more obliging people since I was +born.--And now, my dear, if you please, you shall have the first word. + +_Arch._ And the last, for five pounds. [_Aside._ + +_Mrs. Sul._ Spouse. + +_Sul._ Rib. + +_Mrs. Sul._ How long have you been married? + +_Sul._ By the almanack, fourteen months--but, by my account, fourteen +years. + +_Mrs. Sul._ 'Tis thereabout, by my reckoning. + +_Foig._ Upon my conshience, dere accounts vil agree. + +_Sir C._ What are the bars to your mutual contentment? + +_Mrs. Sul._ In the first place, I can't drink ale with him. + +_Sul._ Nor can I drink tea with her. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I can't hunt with you. + +_Sul._ Nor can I dance with you. + +_Mrs. Sul._ I hate cocking and racing. + +_Sul._ And I abhor ombre and picquet. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Your silence is intolerable. + +_Sul._ Your prating is worse. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Is there, on earth, a thing we can agree in? + +_Sul._ Yes--to part. + +_Mrs. Sul._ With all my heart. + +_Sul._ Your hand. + +_Mrs. Sul._ Here. + +_Sul._ These hands joined us; these shall part us--Away! + +_Mrs. Sul._ East. + +_Sul._ West. + +_Mrs. Sul._ North. + +_Sul._ South: as far as the poles asunder. + +_Foig._ Upon my shoul, a very pretty sheremony! + +_Sir C._ Now, Mr. Sullen, there wants only my sister's fortune to make +us easy. + +_Sul._ Sir Charles, you love your sister, and I love her fortune; every +one to his fancy. + +_Arch._ Then you won't refund? + +_Sul._ Not a stiver. + +_Arch._ What is her portion? + +_Sir C._ Ten thousand pounds, sir. + +_Arch._ I'll pay it: my lord, I thank him, has enabled me; and, if the +lady pleases, she shall go home with me. This night's adventure has +proved strangely lucky to us all--For Captain Gibbet, in his walk, has +made bold, Mr. Sullen, with your study and scrutoire, and has taken out +all the writings of your estate, all the articles of marriage with your +lady, bills, bonds, leases, receipts, to an infinite value; I took them +from him, and will deliver them to Sir Charles. + +_Sul._ How! my writings! my head aches consumedly.--Well, gentlemen, +you shall have her fortune, but I can't talk. If you have a mind, Sir +Charles, to be merry, and celebrate my sister's wedding and my divorce, +you may command my house. But my head aches consumedly;--Scrub, bring me +a dram. + +_Foig._ And put a sup in the top for myself. [_Exeunt_ FOIGARD _and_ +SULLEN. + +_Arch._ 'Twould be hard to guess which of these parties is the better +pleased, the couple joined, or the couple parted; the one rejoicing in +hopes of an untasted happiness, and the other in their deliverance from +an experienced misery. + + Both happy in their several states, we find: + Those parted by consent, and those conjoin'd. + Consent, if mutual, saves the lawyer's fee; + Consent is law enough to set you free. + [_Exeunt Omnes._ + + + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE + +Contemporary spellings have been retained. Hyphenation is inconsistent +throughout. + +Two changes were made to the text. + +Act 2: end of Scene 1, Mrs. Sullen's penultimate speech: +"her" was changed to "here" in the sentence: +The Count is to dine here tonight. + +In Act 3, Scene 2: +The words "Yes, faith", spoken by a non-existent character called +"Alon", were assigned to Aimwell in keeping with the dialogue sequence. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Beaux-Stratagem, by George Farquhar + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAUX-STRATAGEM *** + +***** This file should be named 37195.txt or 37195.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/9/37195/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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