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diff --git a/36529.txt b/36529.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..14d0762 --- /dev/null +++ b/36529.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2978 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch at the Play + Humours of Music and the Drama + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: Charles Keene + and others + +Release Date: June 27, 2011 [EBook #36529] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + +Designed to provide in a series +of volumes, each complete in itself, +the cream of our national humour, +contributed by the masters of +comic draughtsmanship and the +leading wits of the age to "Punch," +from its beginning in 1841 to the +present day. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Actor (on the stage)._ "Me mind is made up!" + +_Voice from the Gallery._ "What abeaout yer fice?"] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY + +HUMOURS OF MUSIC AND THE DRAMA + +_WITH 140 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +[Illustration] + +BY CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, L. +RAVEN-HILL, E. T. REED, F. H. TOWNSEND, C. E. BROCK, A. S. BOYD, TOM +BROWNE, EVERARD HOPKINS AND OTHERS + +PUBLISHED BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + + * * * * * + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +BEFORE THE CURTAIN + +Most of the PUNCH artists of note have used their pencils on the +theatre; with theatricals public and private none has done more than Du +Maurier. All have made merry over the extravagances of melodrama and +"problem" plays; the vanity and the mistakes of actors, actresses and +dramatists; and the blunderings of the average playgoer. + +MR. PUNCH genially satirises the aristocratic amateurs who, some few +years ago, made frantic rushes into the profession, and for a while +enjoyed more kudos as actors than they had obtained as titled members +of the upper circle, and the exaggerated social status that for the time +accrued to the professional actor as a consequence of this invasion. + +The things he has written about the stage, quite apart from all +reviewing of plays, would more than fill a book of itself; and he has +slyly and laughingly satirised players, playwrights and public with an +equal impartiality. + +He has got a deal of fun out of the French dramas and the affected +pleasure taken in them by audiences that did not understand the +language. He has got even more fun out of the dramatists whose "original +plays" were largely translated from the French, and to whom Paris was, +and to some extent is still, literally and figuratively "a playground." + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY + +SOMETHING FOR THE MONEY + +(_From the Playgoers' Conversation Book. Coming Edition._) + +[Illustration] + +I have only paid three guineas and a half for this stall, but it is +certainly stuffed with the very best hair. + +The people in the ten-and-sixpenny gallery seem fairly pleased with +their dado. + +I did not know the call-boy was at Eton. + +The expenses of this house must be enormous, if they always play _Box +and Cox_ with a rasher of real Canadian bacon. + +How nice to know that the musicians, though out of sight under the +stage, are in evening dress on velvet cushions! + +Whoever is the author of this comedy, he has not written up with spirit +to that delightful Louis the Fifteenth linen cupboard. + +I cannot catch a word "Macbeth" is saying, but I can see at a glance +that his kilt would be extremely cheap at seventy pounds. + +I am not surprised to hear that the "Tartar's lips" for the cauldron +alone add nightly something like fifty-five-and-sixpence to the +expenses. + +Do not bother me about the situation when I am looking at the quality of +the velvet pile. + +Since the introduction of the _live_ hedgehog into domestic drama +obliged the management to raise the second-tier private boxes to forty +guineas, the Duchess has gone into the slips with an order. + +They had, perhaps, better take away the champagne-bottle and the +diamond-studded whistle from the prompter. + +Ha! here comes the chorus of villagers, provided with real silk +pocket-handkerchiefs. + +It is all this sort of thing that elevates the drama, and makes me so +contented to part with a ten-pound note for an evening's amusement. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Pantomime Child (to admiring friend)._ "Yus, and there's +another hadvantage in bein' a hactress. You get yer fortygraphs took for +noffink!"] + + * * * * * + +THE HEIGHT OF LITERARY NECESSITY.--"Spouting" Shakspeare. + + * * * * * + +WHEN are parsons bound in honour not to abuse theatres? + +When they take orders. + + * * * * * + +WHAT VOTE THE MANAGER OF A THEATRE ALWAYS HAS.--The "casting" vote. + + * * * * * + +"STAND NOT ON THE ORDER OF YOUR GOING."--An amiable manager says the +orders which he issues for the pit and gallery are what in his opinion +constitute "the lower orders." + + * * * * * + +GREAT THEATRICAL EFFECT.--During a performance of _Macbeth_ at the +Haymarket, the thunder was so natural that it turned sour a pint of beer +in the prompter's-box. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DRAMA.--"'Ere, I say, 'Liza, we've seen this 'ere +play before!" "No, we ain't." [_Wordy argument follows._] "Why, don't +you remember, same time as Bill took us to the 'Pig an' Whistle,' an' we +'ad stewed eels for supper?" "Oh lor! Yes, that takes me back to it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUE APPRECIATION + +(_Overheard at the Theatre_) + +_Mrs. Parvenu._ "I don't know that I'm exackly _gone_ on Shakspeare +Plays." + + [_Mr. P. agrees._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conversationalist._ "Do you play ping-pong?" + +_Actor._ "No. I play _Hamlet_!"] + + * * * * * + +TO ACTORS WHO ARE NOT WORTH A THOUGHT.--We notice that there is a book +called "Acting and Thinking." This is to distinguish it, we imagine, +from the generality of acting, in which there is mostly no thinking? + + * * * * * + +A CRUSHER.--_Country Manager (to Mr. Agrippa Snap, the great London +critic, who has come down to see the production of a piece on trial)._ +And what do you think, sir, of our theatre and our players? + +_Agrippa Snap (loftily)._ Well, frankly, Mr. Flatson, your green-room's +better than your company. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The higher walk of the drama] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Auntie, can _you_ do that?"] + + * * * * * + +Theatrical managers are so often accused of being unable to break with +tradition, that it seems only fair to point out that several of them +have recently produced plays, in which the character of "Hamlet" does +not appear at all. + + * * * * * + +ON A DRAMATIC AUTHOR + + "Yes, he's a plagiarist," from Tom this fell, + "As to his social faults, sir, one excuses 'em; + 'Cos he's good natured, takes a joke so well." + "True," cries an author, "he takes mine and uses 'em." + + * * * * * + +THE MANAGER'S COMPLAINT + + She danced among the unfinished ways + That merge into the Strand, + A maid whom none could fail to praise, + And very few withstand. + + A sylph, accepted for the run, + Not at a weekly wage; + Fair as a star when only one + Is shining on the stage. + + She met a lord, and all men know + How soon she'd done with me; + Now she is in _Debrett_, oh, and, + That's where they all would be! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FIRST NIGHT.--_Indignant Playwright (to leading actor, +behind the scenes)._ "Confound it, man, you've absolutely murdered the +piece!" _Leading Actor._ "Pardon me, but I think the foul play is +yours!"] + + * * * * * + +_Smart._ How do, Smooth? (_to theatrical manager, who frowns upon him_). +What's the matter, eh? + +_Smooth._ Matter? Hang it, Smart, you wrote me down in "The Stinger." + +_Smart (repressing something Shakspearian about "writing down" which +occurs to him, continues pleasantly)._ Wrote you down? No, I said the +piece was a bad one, because I thought it was; a very bad one. + +_Smooth._ Bad! (_Sarcastically._) You were the only man who said so. + +_Smart (very pleasantly)._ My dear fellow, _I was the only man who saw +it._ Good-bye. + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A BOX-OFFICE KEEPER.--"So much for booking 'em." + + * * * * * + +"A considerable demonstration of approval greeted the fall of the +curtain." How are we to take this? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE DESIRE OF THE MOTH FOR THE STAR."--_Mistress._ "And +you dare to tell me, Belinda, that you have actually answered a +_theatrical advertisement_? How _could_ you be such a _wicked_ girl?" +_Belinda (whimpering)._ "Well, mum,--_other_ young lidies--gow on +the--stige--why shouldn't _I_ gow?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME.--_Mr. AEsopus Delasparre._ +"I will ask you to favour me, madam, by refraining from laughing at me +on the stage during my third act." _Miss Jones (sweetly)._ "Oh, but I +assure you you're mistaken, Mr. Delasparre; I never laugh at you on the +stage--I wait till I get home!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SWEEPING ASSERTION.--"The other night, at the Novelty +Theatre, Mrs. Vere-Jones was gowned simply in a _clinging_ black velvet, +with a cloak of same handsomely trimmed with ermine."--_Extract from +Society Journal._] + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC NOTES OF THE FUTURE + + [A little cheild is the hero of _Everybody's Secret_; the curtain + rises upon four little cheildren in _Her Own Way_; there are + cheildren of various ages in _Alice-Sit-by-the-fire_.] + +Mr. Barrie's new play, _The Admirable Creche_, will be presented +to-morrow. We understand that there is a pretty scene in the third act +in which several grown-ups are discovered smoking cigars. It may +confidently be predicted that all the world will rush to the "Duke of +York's" to see this novelty. _The Admirable Creche_ will be preceded at +8.30 by _Bassinette--A Plea for a Numerous Family_, a one-act play by +Theodore Roosevelt and Louis N. Parker. + +Little Baby Wilkins is making quite a name with her wonderful rendering +of "Perdita" in the Haymarket version of _A Winter's Tale_. As soon as +actor-manager Wilkins realised the necessity of cutting the last two +acts (in which "Perdita" is grown up) the play was bound to succeed. By +the way, Mr. E. H. Cooper's new book, "Perditas I have Known," is +announced. + +Frankly, we are disappointed in Mr. Pinero's new play, _Little Arthur_, +produced at Wyndham's last week. It treated of the old old theme--the +love of the hero for his nurse. To be quite plain, this stale triangle, +mother--son--nurse, is beginning to bore us. Are there no other themes +in every-day life which Mr. Pinero might take? Could he not, for +instance, give us an analysis of the mind of a young genius torn between +the necessity for teething and the desire to edit a great daily? Duty +calls him both ways: his duty to himself and his duty to the public. +Imagine a Wilkins in such a scene! + +The popular editor of the "Nursery," whose unrivalled knowledge of +children causes him to be referred to everywhere as our greatest +playwright, is a little at sea in his latest play, _Rattles_. In the +first act he rashly introduces (though by this time he should know his +own limitations) two grown-ups at lunch--Mr. Jones the father, and Dr. +Brown, who discuss Johnny's cough. Now we would point out to Mr. Crouper +that men of their age would be unlikely to have milk for lunch; and +that they would not say "Yeth, pleath"--unless of Hebraic origin, and +Mr. Crouper does not say so anywhere. Mr. Crouper must try and see +something of grown-ups before he writes a play of this kind again. + +We regret to announce that Cecil Tomkins, _doyen_ of actor-managers, is +down again with mumps. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART. A MUSICAL COMEDY] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE PREMIERE + +_Lady in Front Row (to her neighbour, towards the end of the second +act)._ "Who is this man next me, who's just come in,--do you know? He +doesn't seem to be paying the smallest attention to the play!" + +_Her Neighbour._ "Oh, I expect he's a critic. He's probably made up his +mind long ago what he's going to say of the piece; but he's just dropped +in to _confirm his suspicions_."] + + * * * * * + +NO FIRST-NIGHTER.--_First Man in the Street._ See the eclipse last +night? + +_Second Man in the Street._ No. Thought it might be crowded. Put off +going till next week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BILL OF THE PLAY] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE PROFESSION.--_Rising Young Dramatist._ +"Saw your wife in front last night. What did she think of my new +comedy?" + +_Brother Playwright_. "Oh, I think she liked it. She told me she had a +good laugh." + +_R. Y. D._ "Ah--er--when was that?" + +_B. P._ "During the _entr'acte_. One of the attendants dropped an ice +down her neighbour's neck."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN + +_Dora_ (_consulting a playbill_). "Only fancy! '_As You Like It_' is by +Shakspeare!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. A REHEARSAL.--_The Captain._ "At +this stage of the proceedings I've got to kiss you, Lady Grace. Will +your husband mind, do you think?" + +_Lady Grace._ "Oh no! It's for a _charity_, you know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN INFANT ROSCIUS.--_Stage Manager_ (_interviewing +children with the idea of engaging them for a new play_). "Has this +child been on the stage?" + +_Proud Mother._ "No; but he's been on an inquest, and he speaks up +fine!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY.--_Tragedian._ "Cheap. Ha, ha! Why in my time +they _threw_ them at us!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Well, papa, how did you enjoy the play to-night?" + +"Oh, I think I enjoyed it fairly well, my dear. I've got a general sort +of idea that I didn't go to sleep over it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Lady Amateur._ "Oh, what a pity! We've just +missed the first act!" + +_Languid Friend._ "Have we? Ah--rather glad. I always think the chief +pleasure of going to a theatre is trying to make out what the first act +was about!"] + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL.--When it is announced that an actor will be supported by the +_entire_ company, it is not thereby meant that the said professional is +sustained in his arduous part solely by draughts of Barclay, Perkins and +Co. + + * * * * * + +The wretch who refuses to take his wife to the theatre deserves to be +made to sit out a play. + + * * * * * + +GOOD "PIECE" OF FURNITURE FOR THEATRICAL MANAGERS.--A chest of +"drawers." + + * * * * * + +REGENERATION OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--There are at this moment three +English managers in Paris "in search of novelty!" More: three +distinguished members of the Dramatic Authors' Society started for +France last night. + + * * * * * + +"AS GOOD AS A PLAY."--Performing a funeral. + + * * * * * + +A PLANT IN SEASON.--Now is the time of year when managers of theatres +show a botanical taste, for there is not one of them who does not do his +best to have a great rush at his doors. + + * * * * * + +THE DRAMATIC AUTHOR'S PLAYGROUND.--Paris. + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL NOTE.--_Net_ profits are generally the result of a good +"_cast_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Shakspeare and the first Quart O"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Shakspeare and the last Quart O"] + + * * * * * + +A DUBIOUS COMPLIMENT.--_Rector's Wife_ (_after harvest festival_). +Well, Mrs. Piggleswade, how did you like the Bishop's sermon? + +_Mrs. Piggleswade._ Oh! ma'am, I ain't been so much upset since my old +man took me to the wariety theayter in London last August twelve-month, +and 'eard a gen'leman sing about his grandmother's cat. + + * * * * * + +There was a poor actor on the Norwich circuit who squinted most +dreadfully: he was put up on one occasion for "Lear." "We must succeed," +said the manager, "for there never was a _Lear_ with so strong a +_cast_." + + * * * * * + +A RICHMOND DINNER.--A shouting actor who performs the part. + + * * * * * + +BY DEPUTY + + As Shakspeare could not write his plays + (If Mrs. Gallup's not mistaken), + I think how wise in many ways + He was to have them done by Bacon; + They might have mouldered on the shelf, + Mere minor dramas (and he knew it!) + If he had written them himself + Instead of letting Bacon do it. + + And if it's true, as Brown and Smith + In many learned tomes have stated, + That Homer was an idle myth, + He ought to be congratulated; + Since, thus evading birth, he rose + For men to worship from a distance: + He might have penned inferior prose + Had he achieved a real existence. + + To him and Shakspeare some agree + In making very nice allusions, + But no one thinks of praising me, + For I composed my own effusions: + As others wrote their works divine, + And they immortal thus to day are, + If someone else had written mine + I might have been as great as they are! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Famous Lion Comique_ (_to his agent, who is not much of +a cigar smoker_). "What did you think of that cigar as I give you the +other day?" + +_Agent._ "Well, the first night I liked it well enough. But the second +night I didn't like it so well. And the third I didn't like it at all!"] + + * * * * * + +Numerous applications were received by the manager of Covent Garden from +"professionals" wishing to take part in _The Forty Thieves_. It was not +found possible to offer engagements to the following (amongst others):-- + +_The Thief_--who stole a march. + +_The Thief_--in the candle. + +_The Thief_--who was set to catch a thief. + +_The Thief_--who stole the "purse" and found it "trash." + +_The Thief_--who stole up-stairs. + +_The Thief_--of time, _alias_ procrastination, and-- + +_The Thief_--who stole a kiss (overwhelming number of applicants). + + * * * * * + +THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA + +_Berthelda._--Sanguino, you have killed your _mother_!!! + +_Fruitwoman._--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer! + + (_Curtain falls._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Music-hall.] + +[Illustration: A Melodrama at the "Surrey".] + +[Illustration: Screaming Farcical Comedy.] + +[Illustration: A pathetic "Comedy-Drama."] + +[Illustration: Another.] + +[Illustration: A patriotic Drama at the "National Theatre".] + +[Illustration: The Opera.] + +[Illustration: And.] + +[Illustration: Three acts.] + +[Illustration: of Henrik Ibsen.] + +[Illustration: The deplorable issue.] + + * * * * * + +"Bishops," said the Rev. Mr. Phillips to the Playgoers' Club, "are not +really so stiff and starchy as they are made out to be. There is a good +heart beneath the gaiters." Calf-love, we presume. + + * * * * * + +DIFFERENT VIEWS.--Bishops complain of a dearth of candidates for orders. +Managers of theatres think differently. + + * * * * * + +LEG-ITIMATE SUCCESSES.--Modern extravaganzas. + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL.--The only people who never suffer in the long run--managers +of theatres. + + * * * * * + +"STANDING ORDERS."--Free admissions who can't get seats. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY" + +_Husband_ (_after the Adagio, to musical wife_). "My dear, are we going +to stay to the 'bitter end'?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. SENSATION OPERA. + +_Manager_ (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "My dear fellow, I've +brought you the score of the new opera. We've arranged _such_ a scena +for you in the third act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the +keelhauling scene, you know! Heavy rolling sea, eh?--Yes, and we can +have some real spray pumped on to you from the fire-engine! Volumes of +smoke from the funnel, close behind your head--in fact, you'll be +enveloped as you rush on to the bridge! And then you'll sing that lovely +barcarolle through the speaking-trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the +ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"] + + * * * * * + +AT A PROBLEM PLAY.--_Mr. Dinkershein_ (_eminent critic_). How did you +enjoy the piece, Miss MacGuider? + +_Miss MacGuider._ Well, to tell the truth, I didn't know what it was all +about. + +_Mr. Dinkershein._ Excellent. The author gives us so much to think of. + + * * * * * + +QUESTION AND ANSWER.--"Why don't I write plays?" Why should I? + + * * * * * + +NOT EXACTLY A THEATRICAL MANAGER'S GUIDING MOTTO.--"Piece at any price." + + * * * * * + +OUR SHAKSPEARIAN SOCIETY.--In the course of a discussion, Mrs. ---- +observed, that she was positive that Shakspeare was a butcher by trade, +because an old uncle of hers had bought _lambs' tails from Shakspeare_. + + * * * * * + +"SOUND DUES."--Fees to opera box-keepers. + + * * * * * + +COPYRIGHT AND COPYWRONG.--The dramatist who dramatises his neighbour's +novel against his will, is less a playwright than a plagiary. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CROSS OLD THING!"--_Wife._ "I'm going into town now, +dear. Shall I book places for _Caste_ or _Much ado about Nothing_?" +_Husband._ "Oh, please yourself, my dear; but I should say we've enough +'Ado about Nothing' at home!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_Brown (rehearsing his part as the +"Vicomte de Cherisac")._ "Yas, Marie! I've fondly loved ye. (_Sobs +dramatically._) 'Tis well--but no mat-tar-r!" _Housemaid (to cook, +outside the door)._ "Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't master a givin' it to +missis!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TECHNICAL.--_First Player_ ("_Juvenile Lead_"). Play +Scene--Hamlet. (_Deferentially_). "What do you think of it?" _Second +Player_ ("_First Heavy_"). "How precious well them 'supers' are painted, +ain't they?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DOUBLE DISAPPOINTMENT.--_Stern Hostess (who is giving +private theatricals)._ "You are very late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've +begun long ago!" _Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that +particular form of entertainment)._ "What! You don't mean to say they're +at it still!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODEST APPEAL.--_Lady (to big drum)._ "Pray, my good man, +don't make that horrid noise! I can't hear myself speak!"] + + * * * * * + +A MODERN REHEARSAL + +_Leading Lady (to Stage Manager)._ Who's that man in the ulster coat +talking to the call-boy? + +_Stage Manager._ Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I +was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the +dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for +his cackle. Ah! here he is. + +_Splitter._ Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the +boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage +would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me. + +_Stage Man._ Of course I will. Capital idea. (_Marks prompt-book._) I +wonder who that chap is in the wing? + +_Splitter._ Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo, +Wobbler, brought your new song? + +_Wobbler._ Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital +wheezes. + +_Splitter._ No poaching, old chap. + +_Wobbler._ Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning, +Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose? + +_Miss Skid (brightly)._ I'm always "perfect." But--(_seriously_)--I had +to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The +Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss! + + [_Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations._ + +_Stage Man._ Places, ladies and gentlemen. + +_Mr. Footlyte._ Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I +have completely rewritten the second act, and---- + +_The Stranger in the Ulster._ But, sir, I beg of you to remember---- + +_Mr. F._ Who is that man? + +_Everybody._ We don't know! + +_Mr. F. (advancing)._ Who are you, sir, who dare to trespass on my +premises? + +_The S. in the U._ Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte? + +_Mr. F._ No, sir, I do not. What's your business? + +_The S. in the U. (nervously)._ I am the author of the piece. + +_Everybody._ Ha! ha! ha! + +_Mr. F._ Then you're not wanted here. (_To stage manager._) Jenkins, +clear the stage. + + [_The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT.--_Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after +production of his new comedy)._ And what did you think of my little +piece the other night? + +_Miss Lagushe._ I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I +thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for _you_! + + * * * * * + +NEO-DRAMATIC NURSERY RHYME + + Mrs. Grundy, good woman, scarce knew what to think + About the relation 'twixt drama and drink. + Well, give hall--and theatre--good wholesome diet, + And all who attend will be sober and quiet! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Younger Son of Ducal House._ "Mother, allow me to +introduce to you--my wife." + +_His Wife (late of the Frivolity Theatre)._ "How do, Duchess? I'm the +latest thing in mesalliances!"] + + * * * * * + +HINTS TO AMATEUR PLAYWRIGHTS. + +_Of the Essence of Drama._--It is not strictly necessary that you should +know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that +whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk, +and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice, +or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it +is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will. + +_Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing._--Owing to the competition +nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as +practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely +farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to +that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into +poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show +that it _is_ poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act +III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to elope with the heroine +(already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and +wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high +spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand, +will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious +people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a +number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your +audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young +ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits +of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually +accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage +carpenter will attend to these. + +_Of Humour._--Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your +characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however, +that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will +be surpassed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind +a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a +stage-direction. + +_Of Dialogue._--Speeches of more than half a page, though useful for +clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of +repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect, +no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes +in recitation. + +_Of the Censorship._--This need not be feared unless you are unduly +serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where +the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in +problems. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE STAGE-WORSHIPPERS.--"Mummer's the word!" + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUITE OF HER OPINION + +_Gushing Young Woman (to famous actor)._ "Oh, do you know, Mr. +Starleigh, I'm simply _mad_ to go on the stage!" _Famous Actor._ "Yes, I +should think you _would_ be, my dear young lady!"] + + * * * * * + +THE DECLINE OF THE DRAMA + + Mundungus deems the drama is declining, + Yet fain would swell the crowded playwright ranks. + The secret of his pessimist opining, + Is--all _his_ dramas _are_ declined--with thanks! + + * * * * * + +CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES + +(_For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic Art_) + + 'Tis the voice of the prompter, + I hear him quite plain; + He has prompted me twice, + Let him prompt me again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A suggestion to the refreshment departments of our +theatres, much simpler than the old method of struggling by, and would +prevent the men going out between the acts.] + +[Illustration: First night of musical comedy. The authors called before +the curtain.] + +[Illustration: _Jones (arriving in the middle of the overture to +"Tristan und Isolde"--quite audibly)._ "Well, thank goodness we're in +_plenty of time!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE STALLS + +Time past--Crinoline era] + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE SHAKESPEARIAN MOTTO FOR A FIRM OF ADVERTISING AGENTS.--"Posters +of the sea and land." + + * * * * * + +QUID PRO QUO.--_Actor-Manager (to Dramatic Author)._ What I want is a +one-part piece. + +_Dramatic Author._ That's very easily arranged. You be number one, and +"part" to me. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE STALLS + +Time present--Fan development] + + * * * * * + +_Araminta._ Why, dearest, do you call those witticisms, which the +comedians deliver with such ready humour, "gags"? + +_Corydon (the playwright)._ Because they always stifle the author. + + [_Smiles no more during the evening._ + + * * * * * + +THE MUMMER'S BETE-NOIRE.--"_Benefits_ forgot." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES + +_Sangazur, Senior._ "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about +your wanting to marry an actress?" + +_Sangazur, Junior._ "It's quite true, sir. But--er--you can have no +conception how _very poorly_ she acts!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STUDIED INSULT.--_Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial +Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse +Show)._ "Box or two stalls, sir?" _Murphy._ "What the dev'l d'ye mane? +D'ye take me an' the missus for a pair o' proize 'osses? Oi'll have two +sates in the dhress circle, and let 'em be as dhressy as possible, +moind!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE SLEEPING BEAUTY."--"Nervous? oh dear no! I only +acted _once_ in private theatricals, Mr. Jones, and, although it was an +important part, I had nothing to say!" "Really? What _was_ the part?" +"_Can't you guess?_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COLLABORATEURS.--Jennings and Bellamy, the famous +dramatists, planning one of those thrilling plays of plot and passion, +in which (as everybody knows) Jennings provides the inimitable broad +humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is +the shorter of the two.)] + + * * * * * + +WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS + +(_From the Common-place Book of a Novelist_) + +Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on +the stage. + +Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than +actor-managers. + +Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place--except in +novels. + +Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only +three years to compose a novel? + +Because critics who send articles to magazines inviting one to +contribute to the stage, have no right to dictate to us. + +Because a fairly successful novel means five hundred pounds, and a +fairly successful play yields as many thousands--why be influenced by +mercenary motives? + +Because all novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no +time left for outside labour. + +And last, and (perhaps) not least, Why don't I send in a play? Because I +_have_ tried to write _one_, and find I can't quite manage it! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HER FIRST PLAY.--_Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a +great treat, to a morning performance)._ "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!" + +_Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage)._ +"But, mummy,--_they're_ talking!"] + + * * * * * + +_Q._ When are the affairs of a theatre likely to assume a somewhat fishy +aspect? _A._ When there's a sole lessee. + + * * * * * + +_Evangeline._ Why is this called the dress circle mamma? + +_Mamma._ Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear. + + * * * * * + +A FORM OF EQUESTRIAN DRAMA.--Horseplay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Mellow drammer] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FIRST NIGHT OF AN UNAPPRECIATED MELODRAMA.--_He._ "Are we +alone?" _Voice from the Gallery._ "No, guv'nor; but you will be +to-morrow night."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMMISSARIAT + +_Our Bandmaster (to purveyor of refreshments)._ "We must hev beef +sangwitches, marm! Them ham ones make the men's lips that greasy, they +can't blow!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NOTE AND QUERY + +_Wife (given to literature and the drama)._ "George, what is the meaning +of the expression, 'Go to!' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the +old dramatists?" + +_Husband (not a reading man)._ "'Don't know, I'm sure, dear, unless---- +Well,--p'raps he was going to say----but thought it wouldn't sound +proper!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIC VOS NON VOBIS DRAMATISATIS, WRITERS! + +_Wife of his Bosom (just home from the play)._ "And then that _darling_ +Walter Lisson, looking like a Greek god, drew his stiletto, and +delivered, oh! _such_ an exquisite soliloquy over her tomb--all in blank +verse--like heavenly music on the organ!" + +_He._ "Why, he's got a voice like a raven, and can no more deliver blank +verse than he can fly." + +_She._ "Ah, well--it was very beautiful, all the same--all about love +and death, you know!" + +_He._ "Who wrote the piece, then?" + +_She._ "Who wrote the piece? Oh--er--well--his name's sure to be on the +bill somewhere--at least I _suppose_ it is!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM OUR GENERAL THEATRICAL FUND.--Why would a good-natured dramatic +critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes +to pieces easily. + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY A MANAGER + + To say "boo" to a goose requires some doing. + In theatres 'tis the goose who does the "booing," + And though a man may do the best he can, sir, + _Anser_ will hiss, though hissing may not answer! + + * * * * * + +REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE + + "A POOR player, + Who struts and frets his hour on the stage, + And then--goes in society." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A solo on the horn] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.--_Rupert the Reckless (Tompkins, a +distinguished amateur from town)._ "Now, I call it a beastly shame, +Jenkins; you haven't ordered that brute of yours off my togs, and you +know I can't go back to the inn like _this_."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene I.--The Tragic +Mews] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene II.--The Comic +Mews] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AMBIGUOUS.--_First Actress._ "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so +chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to +say I can't act." _Second Ditto._ "Surely a certificate isn't necessary, +dear?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tenor (at amateur concert)._ "It's my turn next, and I'm +so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me, +Miss Brown?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Smith._ "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you +think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of +elevating the stage." _Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse +of the stage all the afternoon)._ "Well--er--it would come to much the +same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_The Countess._ "Will this cruel war +_never_ end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to +catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return. +But, hark! what is that I hear?" + + [_Stage direction.--"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't + rehearsed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the + local cornet-player who helped us on the night._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has +a private performance of his own in the nursery.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mazeppa._ "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ACTOR.--_Billy Wapshot._ "I +say, look here, you know! They've cast me for the part of _Sir Guy +Earliswoodde_, an awful ass that everyone keeps laughing at! How the +dickens am I to act such a beastly part as that?--and how am I to dress +for it, I should like to know?" _Brown (stage manager)._ "My dear +fellow, dress _just as you are!_--and as for acting, _be as natural as +you possibly can!_ It will be an immense success!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE JEUNE PREMIER.--"_What_, +Eleanor? You know _Sir Lionel Wildrake_, the handsomest, wittiest, most +dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no woman has ever been +known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But hush! He comes----" + + [_Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake_. + +] + + * * * * * + +There is a blessing on peacemakers--is there one on playwrights? + + * * * * * + +THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French crib. + + * * * * * + +A COURT THEATRE TICKET.--The order of the garter available only at +Windsor as an order for the stalls. + + * * * * * + +NEW NAME FOR A THEATRE WHERE THE ACTORS ARE MORE OR LESS +UNINTELLIGIBLE.--"The Mumbles." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Music by handle.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM + +"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a +suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I--a--_think_ I may +flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my +social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!" + +"I admit that to be the case just _at present_--but the social position +of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day _may_ come when even the +leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a _Bishop_, +let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of +the--a--House of Beaumanoir!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TURNING A PHRASE.--_Dramatic Author._ "What the deuce do +you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's +shameful!" _Dramatic Critic._ "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old +man--you'll see how pleased I was, _if you'll only read between the +lines!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--_A Booth in the Wild West_ + +_The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the +Pacific."_ + +_Author._ "What is the audience shouting for?" + +_Manager._ "They're calling for the author." + +_Author._ "Then hadn't I better appear?" + +_Manager._ "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Men Were Deceivers Ever" + +_First Counter Tenor._ "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at +our entrance." + +_Second Counter Tenor._ "Oh, then, let's go out at the _bass_ door!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COMMENTATORS.--_First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy)._ +"I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've +made a discovery--that _Horatio_ was _Hamlet's_ father!" _Second +Quidnunc (enchanted)._ "You don't say so!" _First Quidnunc._ "My dear +sir, doesn't _Hamlet_, when he handles _Yorick's_ skull, address +_Horatio_, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A Disenchantment + +_Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country)._ +"_Dear_ me! He's a _very_ different-looking person from what I had +always imagined!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "JUST HINT A FAULT" + +_Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera_ + +_Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate)._ "Tom, dear, don't you +think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people +behind, you know?"] + + * * * * * + +THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER + + Who gets, by hook or crook, from me + Admittance free, though well knows he + That myriads turned away will be? + The Deadhead. + + Who, while he for his programme pays + The smallest silver coin, inveighs + Against such fraud with eyes ablaze? + The Deadhead. + + Who to his neighbour spins harangues, + On how he views with grievous pangs + The dust that on our hangings hangs? + The Deadhead. + + Who, in a voice which rings afar, + Declares, while standing at the bar, + Our drinks most deleterious are? + The Deadhead. + + Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers + That others give? Who jeers and sneers + At all he sees and all he hears? + The Deadhead. + + Who loudly, as the drama's plot + Unfolds, declares the tale a lot + Of balderdash and tommy-rot? + The Deadhead. + + Who dubs the actors boorish hinds? + Who fault with all the scenery finds? + Who with disgust his molars grinds? + The Deadhead. + + Who spreads dissatisfaction wide + 'Mongst those who else with all they spied + Had been extremely satisfied? + The Deadhead. + + Who runs us down for many a day, + And keeps no end of folks away + That else would for admittance pay? + The Deadhead. + + Who keeps his reputation still, + For recompensing good with ill + With more than pandemonium's skill? + The Deadhead. + + Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom + In all its blackness o'er me loom? + Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb? + The Deadhead. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON.--_Mrs. Harris._ "Yes, William, I've +thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and +dickey-bird, and so I'm going!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A five bar rest] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "Young man, I hear that you +propose to essay the _role_ of the melancholy Dane. What induced you to +do it?" _Prosperous London ditto._ "Oh, I don't know. They egged me on +to it." _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "H'm. They egged _me OFF_!"] + + * * * * * + +LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME + +(_By an Intelligent Schoolboy_) + +That demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on their +visiting lists the most beautiful of the fairies. + +That the attendants upon the demons (presumably their victims) spend +much of their time in break-downs. + +That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a +distressingly long time. + +That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their +tongues, than clothes to their backs. + +That the fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering they +dance so much in the sunlight. + +That the tight and scanty costume of the fairies is most insufficient +protection from the showers that must be required to produce the +gigantic and highly-coloured fairy _flora_. + +That the chief fairy (to judge from her allusions to current events) +must take in the daily papers. + +That harlequin is always shaking his bat, but nothing seems to come of +it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or, in +short, what he's at altogether. + +That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see +why they don't catch her. + +That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be +exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown. + +That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts, +butter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the +whole is lucky to escape hanging. + +That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked +head-over-heels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW PLAY + +_Low Comedian._ "Have you seen the notice?" + +_Tragedian._ "No; is it a good one?" + +_Low Comedian._ "It's a fortnight's."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A quick movement with an obligato accompaniment.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TERRIFIC SITUATION! + +Heroine of domestic drama pursued by the unprincipled villain is about +to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!] + + * * * * * + +APPRECIATIVE! + +_The eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs. Mugby, of the village laundry)._ +I'm delighted that you were able to come to our schoolroom performance +of _Scenes from Shakspeare_. + +_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, so was I, mum. That there "'Amblet"--and the grand +lady, mum---- + +_Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly)._ You mean "Hamlet" and his +mother--the vicar and myself. You enjoyed it? + +_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, we did, mum! We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh for +many a long day. + + [_Exit_ Miss B., _thinking that Shakspeare is perhaps somewhat thrown + away on this yokality_.] + + * * * * * + +THE BOOK OF THE PLAY (_as managers like it_).--"All places taken for the +next fortnight." + + * * * * * + +When actors complain that all they require is "parts," they generally +tell the exact truth. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME + +"Where got'st thou that goose?--look!" + (_Macbeth_, Act V., Sc. 3.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISENCHANTMENT.--_Grandpapa._ "_What_? Bob in love with +Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" _Bob (firing up)._ +"Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had +better not be said in my presence, that's all!" _Grandpapa._ "_I_ say a +word _against_ her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over +ears in love with her _myself_--_when I was your age!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROBLEM PLAY.--_New Woman (with the hat)._ "No! _My_ +principle is simply _this_--if there's a _demand_ for these plays, it +must be _supplied_!" _Woman not New (with the bonnet)._ "Precisely! Just +as with the bull-fights in Spain!" + + [_Scores_ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES--THE BLAMELESS +BALLET + +["_Mr. Chamberlain has expressed himself in sympathy with the scheme of +the Rev. Forbes Phillips for running theatres in connection with the +churches in country villages._"] + +There would, our artist imagines, be no difficulty in obtaining willing +coryphees among the pew-openers and philanthropic spinsters of the +various parishes.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mr. M'Chrustie (in the washing-room of the Minerva +Club)._ "Look here, waiter, what's the meaning of this? These brushes +are as beastly grimy as if they'd been blacking boots----!" _Waiter._ +"Yes, sir: it's them members from the 'Junior Theshpian,' sir--as are +'ere now, sir. They do dye theirselves to that degree----!" + + [_Mr. M'C. rushes off and writes furiously to the Committee!_ + +] + + * * * * * + +_Q._ What were the "palmy" days of the drama? + +_A._ When they were first-rate hands at acting. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR ALL DRAMATIC PERFORMERS.--"Act well your part." + + * * * * * + +A BAND-BOX.--An orchestra. + + * * * * * + +"What an awful voice that man's got!" said the manager, who was +listening to the throaty tenor. + +"Call that a voice," said his friend; "it's a disease!" + + * * * * * + +A PRIVATE BOX.--A sentry box. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "You can't sit there, mum. These here seats are +reserved." + +"You don't seem to be aware that I'm one of the directors' wives!" + +"And if you was his _only_ wife, mum, I couldn't let you sit here."] + + * * * * * + +During the dull season a certain manager has issued such a number of his +autographs in order to ensure the proper filling of his house that he +has in playfulness conferred on it the nickname of the ordertorium. + + * * * * * + +WHAT MANAGERS, ACTRESSES, AND SPECTATORS ALL WANT.--A good dressing. + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS MUSIC FOR THEATRES.--The "waits" between the acts. + + * * * * * + +What we want for the British drama generally is not so much native +talent as imagi-native talent. + + * * * * * + +AT THE MUSIC HALLS.--The birds that fly by night--the acro-bats. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONFRERES.--_Master Jacky (who took part in some school +theatricals last term,--suddenly, to eminent tragedian who has come to +call)._ "I say, you know--I act!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA + +"What, back already, Archie! Was it a dull piece, then?" + +"Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and +didn't see a soul I knew!--so I came away."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ TO +STICK TO HIS LAST. + +_Fair Matron._ "I remember your acting '_Sir Anthony_,' _years_ ago, +when I was a girl, Sir Charles! You did it splendidly!" + +_The Great Mathematician._ "Ah, would you believe it, that bit of acting +brought me more compliments than anything I ever did?" + +_Fair Matron._ "I should _think_ so, indeed!"] + + * * * * * + +THE COMPANY THAT FREQUENTLY FILLS A THEATRE BETTER THAN A DRAMATIC +ONE.--The Stationers' Company. + + * * * * * + +The managers of Drury Lane, Gaiety, Alhambra and Empire Theatres ought +_ex-officio_ to be members of the Worshipful Guild of Spectacle-makers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "_Walking Lady_" (_late for rehearsal_). "Oh, I'm so +sorry to be late! I _do_ hope you haven't all been waiting for me?" + +_Stage Manager_ (_icily_). "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the +gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN UNKIND CUT.--_Amateur._ "It was very kind of you to +come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my +_Hamlet_? Pretty good?" _Professional_ (_feigning ecstasy_). "Oh, my +dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,--really I assure you, good's not the +word!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Critic._ "Well, have you seen the great tragedian +in _Romeo and Juliet_?" + +_Second ditto._ "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my +ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CROWDED HOUSE + +_Angry Voice_ (_from a back seat_). "Ears off in front there, please!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA + +_The Marquis_ (_in the play_). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a +gen'leman?" + +_Lord Adolphus_ (_spendthrift heir_). "You 'ave!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "STARTLING EFFECTS!" + +_Peep-Showman._ "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin' +along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights +means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"---- + +_Small Boy_ (_with his eye to the aperture_). "But what's the yaller +light, sir?" + +_Peep-Showman_ (_slow and impressive_). "There ain't no yaller +light--but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and +the red lights si'nif----" + +_Small Boy_ (_persistently_). "But wha's the other light, sir?" + +_Peep-Showman_ (_losing patience_). "Tell yer there ain't no"----(_takes +a look--in consternation_)--"Blowed if the darned old show ain't +a-fire!!"] + + * * * * * + +EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT + + ["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It + has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of + nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."--_The + Outlook._] + + SCENE--_Nowhere in particular._ + + CHARACTERS. + + HE, _a nonentity_. + + SHE, _another_. + +_He._ Dear----! + +_She_ (_wearily_). Oh please don't. [_Does nothing._ + +_He._ Why, what's the matter? + +_She._ Nothing. + + [_He does nothing._ + +_She._ Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow. +(_Yawns._) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know +why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on. + +_He._ All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I +love you--will you marry me? + +_She_ (_very wearily_). Oh, I suppose so. + +_He._ Thanks very much. (_Kisses her._) There! + [_Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing._ + +_She_ (_with sudden excitement_). Supposing I had said "No," would +you have shot yourself?--would you have gone to the front?--would +your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting +have happened? + +_He_ (_with a great determination in his eyes_). Had you spurned my +love---- + +_She_ (_excitedly_). Yes, yes? + +_He_ (_with emotion_).--I should have--I should have--done nothing. + [_Does it._ + +_She._ Oh! + +_He._ Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing +of that sort had happened it would have been _off_ the stage. I +hope I know my place. + + [_She does nothing._ + +_He_ (_politely_). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here? +If not, we might---- + +_She._ We must wait till somebody else comes on. + +_He._ True. (_Reflects deeply._) Er--do you mote much? + + [_She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW HE OUGHT _NOT_ TO LOOK + +_Excited Prompter_ (_to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is +working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume_). +"Now then, Walker, _LOOK ALIVE_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.--"MACBETH" + + "Infirm of purpose! +Give me the daggers."--_Act II. Sc. 2._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--I. + +_Miss Birdie Vandeleur ("Society's Pet"--vide her advertisements +passim) bawls the refrain of her latest song_:-- + + "Ow, I am sow orferly _shy_, boys! + I am, and I kennot tell wy, boys! + Some dy, wen I'm owlder, + Per'aps I'll git bowlder, + But naow I am orfer-ly shy!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--II. The Illustrative Method. + + 'E's not a _tall_ man--Nor a _short_ man--But he's just the man for me.' + + "Not in the army--Nor the nivy--But the royal artill-er-ee!"] + + * * * * * + +ATTENTION AT THE PLAY. + + (_As performed at many London Theatres_) + + SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box._ + + TIME--_Towards the end of the First Act of an established success._ + + PRESENT--_A party of Four._ + +_No. 1_ (_gazing through opera glasses_). A good house. Do you know +anyone? + +_No. 2._ Not a soul. Stay--aren't those the Fitzsnooks? + +_No. 3_ (_also using a magnifier_). You mean the woman in the red +feather at the end of the third row of the stalls? + +_No. 4._ You have spotted them. They have got Bobby Tenterfore with +them. You know, the Johnnie in the F. O. + +_No. 1._ I thought Mr. Tenterfore was at Vienna. + +_No. 4._ No; he _was_ going, but they sent another chap. Brought +him back from somewhere in the tropics. + +_No. 3._ Then what is Mr. Tenterfore doing in town? + +_No. 4._ Oh! come home on leave. Lots of that sort of thing at the +F. O. + +_No. 1_ (_having grown weary of looking at the audience_). By the +way, _a propos de bottes_, I have some money to invest. Can you +suggest anything? + +_No. 3._ They say that Diddlers Deferred will turn up trumps. + +_No. 1._ What do you mean by that? I only want to pop in and out +between the accounts. + +_No. 3._ Then the Diddlers ought to suit you. They rose six last +week, and ought to touch ten before settling day. + +_No. 1._ Then I am on. Thanks very much for the information. Ah! +the curtain has fallen. So much for the first act! (_Enter +visitor._) Ah! how are you? Where are you? + +_Visitor._ Well, I have got a stall, but I have only just come into +the house. What are they playing? + +_No. 2._ I am sure I don't know; but if you are curious about it, +here's the programme. + +_Visitor._ And what's it all about? + +_No. 1_ (_on behalf of self and companions_). We haven't the +faintest notion. + + [_Conversation becomes general, and remains so until the end of the + evening, regardless of the dialogue on the stage side of the + curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MELODRAMA IN THE SUBURBS.--_Elder Sister._ "Do give up, +Nellie! They're only acting." _Nellie_ (_tearfully_). "You leave me +alone. I'm enjoying it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.--_Doctor._ "No, my dear sir, we must +keep ourselves quiet for the present. No stimulants--nothing more +exciting than gruel. Gruel for breakfast, gruel for luncheon, gruel for +dinner, gruel for----" _Peter Pundoleful_ (_a noted burlesque +writer--though you wouldn't have thought it to look at him--rousing +himself suddenly_). "Ah! my dear doctor, why is there not a society for +the prevention of gruelty to animals?"] + + * * * * * + +HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY + + RALPH ESSENDEAN, _aged about fifty, is discovered at a + writing-desk. He studies a newspaper, from which he reads aloud, + thoughtfully:--"So that a successful play may bring its author + anything from five to twenty thousand pounds." He lays down the + paper, mutters, "H'm!" and taking up a pencil bites it + meditatively. Enter Mrs. Essendean._ + +_Mrs. Essendean_ (_crossing to Ralph, and placing her hand on his +shoulder, asks affectionately_). Well, dear, and how is the play getting +on? + +_Ralph_ (_irritably_). You talk of the play, Matilda, as though it were +possible to write a four-act drama in ten minutes. The play is not +getting on at all well, for the simple reason that I am only just +thinking out the idea. + +_Mrs. Essendean_ (_seating herself by the table_). How nice, dear! And +what _is_ the idea? + +_Ralph_ (_grimly_). That is just what I am wondering about. Now if you +will kindly retire to the kitchen and make an omelette, or discharge the +cook, I shall be obliged. + + [_Leans over his desk._ + +_Mrs. E._ But, dear, I am sure the cook is a most excellent servant, +and---- + +_Ralph_ (_turning round and speaking with repressed exasperation_). That +was simply my attempt at a humorous explanation of my wish to be alone, +Matilda. + +_Mrs. E._ (_smiling indulgently and rising_). Well, dear, of course if +it's going to be a _funny_ play, I know you would like to be alone. +(_Pausing at the open door._) And will you read it to us after dinner? +You know the Willoughby-Smythes will be here, and Mr. and Mrs. Vallance +from the Bank are coming in afterwards. I am sure they would like to +hear it. + +_Ralph_ (_irritably_). The play isn't written yet. (_Plaintively._) _Do_ +go! + +_Mrs. E._ (_sweetly_). I'm sure you'd like to be alone. Don't keep +dinner waiting. + + [_Beams on him affectionately and exits. Ralph gives a sigh of + relief, rumples his hair, and then writes for a few minutes. Then + pauses, leans back, biting his pencil, when the door is flung open, + and a very good imitation of a whirlwind bursts into the room. The + whirlwind is a robust person of forty, he has a large round red + face fringed with sandy whiskers, and is one mass of health and + happiness. He wears Norfolk jacket, knickerbockers, gaiters and + thick boots, and carries a golfing bag. He slaps Ralph heartily on + the back, and laughs boisterously. Ralph collapses._ + +_Tom_ (_heartily_). How are you? Going strong--what? Asked the wife for +you, and she told me you were in here writing a play. Rippin' idea--what? + +_Ralph_ (_worried, but striving to be pleasant and polite_). What do you +want, old chap? + +_Tom_ (_cheerfully_). Nothin' particular, only just to see how you were +gettin' on--what? Do you good to have half an hour out, just a few +holes--golf--what? + +_Ralph_ (_with great self-restraint_). Thanks, old man. Not now. You +don't mind my asking you to leave me to myself a bit? + +_Tom_ (_amiably rising and picking up his bag_). All right, old chap, +you know best--what? Thought I'd just look in--hey?--what? Well, I'm +off. (_Goes to door, thinks for a moment, and then turns round._) I say, +I know Thingummy's acting manager. If I can put in a word about your +play--hey?--what? + +_Ralph_ (_rises hurriedly. Shakes hands with Tom, and skilfully +manoeuvres him into the passage, then calls after him_). Good-bye, old +man, and many thanks. (_Closes the door and returns to his desk, +grinding his teeth._) Confound him! (_Takes up paper and writes a few +lines, then reads aloud._) "Puffington puts the letter in his pocket and +passes his hand through his hair. He groans 'O, why did I ever write +those letters? I know Flossie, and this means fifty pounds at least, and +if ever my mother-in-law gets to hear of it! O lor, here she is'" (_Puts +down the paper and looks up at the ceiling._) Now, speaking to myself as +one man to another, I can't help thinking that this sort of thing has +been done before. I seem to have heard it somewhere. I'll--I'll--try a +fresh start. (_Writes hurriedly for a few minutes and then reads._) +"Scene.--Fashionable watering place, the beach is crowded; on the pier +the band is playing a dreamy waltz. Edwin and Maud are discovered in an +open boat. _Edwin._ You must be tired of rowing, sweetest; come and +steer. _Maud._ Just as you like, darling. (_As they change seats the +boat capsizes. After clinging for twenty minutes to the upturned keel, +they are rescued by a passing steamer._)" That's all right for a +"situation," but there seems a lack of dialogue. They can't very well +talk while they are clinging to the boat; and what the deuce could they +be talking about before? If I let them drown I shall have to introduce +fresh characters. Bother! (_Meditates with frowning brow._) Playwriting +appears to present more difficulties than I thought. (_Takes up a +newspaper._) "May bring in anything from five to twenty thousand +pounds!" Sounds tempting, but I wonder how it's done? + + [_Takes a cigar from the mantelpiece, lights it, and, seating + himself near the fire, smokes thoughtfully. Gradually his head + sinks back on to the top of the chair, the cigar drops from his + relaxed fingers, and as he sleeps, the shadow of a smile breaks + across his face. An hour elapses; he is still sleeping. Enter Mrs. + Essendean, who brushes against the writing-table and sweeps the + sheets of manuscript to the ground._ + +_Mrs. Essendean_ (_crossing to Ralph and lightly shaking him_). My dear, +my dear, not dressed yet! Do you know the time--just the half-hour. + + +(_Ralph starts up._) Eh? (_Looks at the clock._) Nearly half past, by +Jove! I shan't be two seconds. + + [_Rushes hastily from the room._ + +_Mrs. Essendean (picks up the extinguished cigar, and drops it daintily +into the fire. Looks round the room and sees the littering +manuscript._) What an untidy old thing it is! (_Picks up the sheets, +crumples them into a ball and throws them into the waste-paper basket._) +There, that looks better. + + [_Gazes into the mirror, pats her hair, and exit._ + + (_End of the play._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARADOXICAL.--_Ethel._ "It was a most wonderful +performance, Aunt Tabitha! First, she was shot out of a cannon's mouth +on to a trapeze fifteen yards above the orchestra, and then she swung +herself up till she stood on a rope on one leg at least a hundred and +twenty feet above our heads!" _Aunt Tabitha._ "Ah! I always think a +woman _lowers_ herself when she does that!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORM + +_First Masher._ "Let's stop and look at Punch and Judy, old chappie! +I've heard it's as good as a play." + +_Second Masher._ "I dessay it is, my brave boy. But we ain't dressed, +you know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS + +SCENE: _Mr. Foote Lyter's back Drawing-room. Private Theatricals. Dress +Rehearsal._ + +_Mr. Foote Lyter._ "I say, Drawle, while the Duke is having his scene +with Dora, where am _I_ to stand!" _Captain Drawle_ (_amateur stage +manager_). "Well--er--my dear fellow--er--er--it's your own house, you +know--_you can stand where you like_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POINT OF VIEW.--_Exasperated Old Gentleman_ (_to lady +in front of him_). "Excuse me, madam, but my seat has cost me ten +shillings, and I want to see. Your hat----" _The Lady._ "My hat has cost +me ten _guineas_, sir, and I want it to _be seen_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Tomkins, who has recently made his appearance _en +amateur_ as the Melancholy Dane, goes to have his photograph taken "in +character." Unfortunately, on reaching the corner of the street, he +finds _the road is up_, and he has to walk to the door! Tableau!!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Clever Juvenile_ (_loq._). "Shakspeare? Pooh! For my +part I consider Shakspeare a very much over-rated man."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME + +_Astonished Friend._ "Why!--Why! What on earth are these?" + +_Manager._ "These? Oh! These are _fairies_!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S PATENT MATINEE HAT. + +Fitted with binocular glasses for the benefit of those sitting behind +its wearer.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HEARD AT A PROVINCIAL CIRCUS.--_Wag_ (_to unfortunate +small gent, who has vainly endeavoured to persuade lady to remove her +hat_). "Don't you see she's got a bird in her hat, sitting? You wouldn't +have the lady addle-headed, would you?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AMATEURS.--_Suburban Roscius._ "Ah, I saw you were at +our 'theatricals' the other night. How did you like my assumption of +_Hamlet_?" _Candid Friend._ "My dear f'llar--great'st piece of +assumption I ever saw i' m' life!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CAUSE AND EFFECT + +_Eminent Provincial Tragedian._ "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr +tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!" + +_Sweet One._ "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, 'cause I was so +sleepy!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE" + +_Our Philanthropist_ (_who often takes the shilling gallery_--_to his +neighbour_). "Only a middling house." + +_Unwashed Artisan._ "Ay--that sixpence extry, 'rather heavy for the +likes o' huz, y'know. But there's one thing--it keeps out the +riff-raff!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DRAMA.--_AEsthetic Critic_ (_at the club, after the +theatre_). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the +_denoument_ in _Romeo and Juliet_? Two lovers, both dying in the same +vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could----" + +_Cynical Old Bachelor_ (_who has evidently never read the play_). +"Um--'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Distinguished Amateur_ (_about to make his first +appearance in public at a concert for the people_). "Oh, I _do_ feel so +nervous!" _Sympathetic Friend._ "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, +my dear fellow. They applaud _anything_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S POINT OF VIEW.--_Mamma_ (_to Maud, who has +been with her brother to the play, and is full of it_). "But was there +no _love_ in the piece, then?" _Maud._ "_Love?_ Oh dear no, mamma. The +principal characters were _husband and wife_, you know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LA COMEDIE FRANCAISE + +_Jones_ (_who understands French so well, although he does not speak +it_), _reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety_:--"'Le +Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gender _should_ the man be, I should +like to know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES," ETC.--_The Bishop._ "I +hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a +wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't +it?" + +_Lady Godiva._ "Yes--a--but I dislike those bare-backed performances. +They're so risky, you know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A very cold audience. (Suggestion for the stalls in +mid-winter)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY" + +"Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at +ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!" + +"A--no--I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy, +refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French +plays!" + +"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Francais, alors?" + +"A--I beg your pardon?" + +"Je vous demande si vous savez le Francais, parbleu! Cruche, Melon, +Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Cretin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous etes?" + +"A--quite so! No doubt! A--by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"] + + * * * * * + +BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR + + SCENE--_Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill + forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown, + Jones, and Robinson._ + +_Brown._ Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. Yes; +I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too soon +after dinner for anything stronger. + +_Jones._ Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst for +what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer. + +_Robinson._ Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the +Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, and +really after that capital _equivoque_ one feels quite satisfied. (_They +are served by the bar attendant._) That was really very funny, where he +hides behind the door when she is not looking. + + [_Laughs at the recollection._ + +_Brown._ And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes the +canary-cage! + + [_Chuckles._ + +_Jones._ Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the curtain will be +up directly. Rather clever, I am told. The _Rose of Rouen_--it is +founded on the life of _Joan of Arc_. I am rather fond of these +historical studies. + +_Brown._ So am I. They are very interesting. + +_Robinson._ Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I prefer +melodrama. Judging from the title, _The Gory Hand_ should be uncommonly +good. + + [_Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the Refreshment + Room._ + +_Brown._ Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (_To bar +attendant._) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and +for these gentlemen too. + +_Jones._ Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. However, +wants a clear head to understand it. (_Sips his soda-water._) I don't +see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to marry the +Englishman. + +_Robinson._ Ah, but that was before the vision. If you think it over +carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you must allow +for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding circumstances. + +_Brown._ Are you going to stay for _The Gory Hand_? + +_Jones._ Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough +of it. + +_Robinson._ Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong +scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme. + +_Jones._ Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different +from the other plays. + +_Robinson._ Well, I don't mind horrors--in fact, like them. There goes +the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back. + +_Brown._ That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta! + + [_Exit Robinson._ + +_Jones._ Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot +understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the +curtain. + +_Brown._ Yes--but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see +by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially +at the end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the +assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account. + +_Jones._ No--it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the +merit of being short. (_Applause._) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how +Robinson likes it. That _tableau_ at the end, of the +starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful! +(_Enter Robinson, staggering in._) Why, my boy, what's the matter? + +_Brown._ You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it +all to-rights! + +_Robinson_ (_with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror_). +Help, help! help! (_After a long shudder._) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!! + + [_At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol._ + +_Brown._ Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for +Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like _The Bells_, +you require supporting. + + [_Curtain and moral._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Manager of "Freak" Show._ "Have I got a vacancy for a +giant? Why, you don't look five feet!" + +_Candidate._ "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN IRRESISTIBLE APPEAL.--_Mrs. Blokey_ (_who has called +with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor +and manager_). "And I've brought you my son, who's breakin' his mother's +'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on givin' up the city and goin' on the +stage--and his father an alderman and 'im in his father's business, and +all the family thought of so 'ighly in Clapham! It's a _great grief_ to +us, _I assure_ you, Mr. Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But +it's too late for that, I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin' +him a leadin' part in your next piece!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR DRAMATIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_His Wife_ +(_reading a Sunday paper_). "_A propos of Hamlet_, they say here that +you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the dramatic +art!" + +_He._ "Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE + +"Yah! Waitin' ter see der _kids_ play!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Actor_ (_excitedly_). "For _two_ long _years_ have +I----" + +_A Voice from above._ "So you 'ave, guv'nor!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDY + +Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COLOURED CLERGY + +(_A Memory of St. James's Hall_) + +_Uncle_ (_can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing_). +"Who do you say they are, my dear!--Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind +of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no +doubt, my dear!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUPEREROGATION + +_Country Maid_ (_having first seen "missus" and the children into a +cab_). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane +Theat----?" + +_Crabbed Old Cabby_ (_with expression of ineffable contempt_). "Do I +know! Kim aup----!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones_ (_alluding to the song_). "Not bad; but I think +the girl might have put a little more _spirit_ into it with advantage." + +_Lushington._ "Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AFTER THE THEATRICALS.--"What on earth made you tell that +appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient +Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you +know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?" + +"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells +the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in +again."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DOMESTIC DRAMA + +"Admit two to the boxes."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROGRESS + +_Young Rustic._ "Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?" + +_Senior_ (_after a pause_). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday +skewl, and don't know that!"] + + * * * * * + +"HAMLET" A LA SAUCE DUMB-CRAMBO + +[Illustration: "Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt!"--Act I., +Sc. 2.] + +[Illustration: "I could a tail unfold!"--_Ibid._] + +[Illustration: "What a falling off was there!"--_Ibid._] + +[Illustration: "Methinks I scent the morning hair!"--_Ibid._] + +[Illustration: "Brief let me be!"--_Ibid._] + +[Illustration: "Lend thy serious ear-ring to what I shall unfold!"--Act +I., Sc. 5.] + +[Illustration: "Toby, or not Toby? that is the question."--Act II., Sc. +2.] + +[Illustration: "The King, sir."--"Ay, sir, what of him?"--"Is in his +retirement marvellous distempered."--"With drink, sir!"--"No, my lord, +rather with collar!"--Act III., Sc. 2.] + +[Illustration: "Oh, my offence is rank!"--Act III., Sc. 3.] + +[Illustration: "Put your bonnet to his right use--'tis for the +head."--Act V., Sc. 2.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE THEM." + +_Domesticated Wife._ "Oh, George, I wish you'd just----" + +_Talented Husband_ (_author of various successful comic songs for music +halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti_). "Oh, for +goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother me _now_! You might _see_ I'm trying +to work out some _quite_ new lines for the fairy in the transformation +scene of the pantomime!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SENSITIVE EAR. + +_Intelligent Briton._ "But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the +name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply +torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and +significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!" + +_Mademoiselle._ "Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite +English blank verse!" + +_Intelligent Briton._ "Of course not. I mean _French_ blank verse--the +blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Moliere!" + +_Mademoiselle._ "Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!" + + [_Briton still tries to look intelligent._ + +] + + * * * * * + +DUMB-CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES + +[Illustration: Drew wry lane] + +[Illustration: Cove in garden] + +[Illustration: Cry-teary 'un] + +[Illustration: Prints of whales] + +[Illustration: "A--mark it!"] + +[Illustration: Gay at tea] + +[Illustration: Princesses and royal tea] + +[Illustration: Globe] + +[Illustration: "Scent, James?"] + +[Illustration: Strand and "save, hoi!"] + +[Illustration: Only in play!] + +[Illustration: The actor who has his head turned with applause] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CURTAIN-RAISERS _ Extract from Ethel's +correspondence_:--"At the last moment something went wrong with the +curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector +explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescue +_nobly_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Well, how did the new play go off last night?" + +"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather +effective." "_A la Lady Macbeth_, eh?" + +"Well--not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and +walked out!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES + +I.--The "Lion Comique"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES + +II.--The "Serio"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES + +III.--The "Refined Comedian"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON TOUR.--_Heavy Tragedian._ "Do you let apartments +to--ah--the profession?" _Unsophisticated Landlady._ "Oh, yes, sir. Why, +last week we had the performing dogs here!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ART AND NATURE. (_Overheard during the Private +Theatricals._)-- + +_She._ "How well your wife plays _Lady Geraldine_, Mr. Jones. I think +the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How +_does_ she manage it?" + +_Mr. Jones_ (_with embarrassment_). "Er--she doesn't. That's her natural +voice."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONVINCING] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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