196 files changed, 10112 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/36529-8.txt b/36529-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0dd39dd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2978 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch at the Play
+       Humours of Music and the Drama
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Charles Keene
+             and others
+
+Release Date: June 27, 2011 [EBook #36529]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series
+of volumes, each complete in itself,
+the cream of our national humour,
+contributed by the masters of
+comic draughtsmanship and the
+leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+from its beginning in 1841 to the
+present day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Actor (on the stage)._ "Me mind is made up!"
+
+_Voice from the Gallery._ "What abeaout yer fice?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY
+
+HUMOURS OF MUSIC AND THE DRAMA
+
+_WITH 140 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BY CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, L.
+RAVEN-HILL, E. T. REED, F. H. TOWNSEND, C. E. BROCK, A. S. BOYD, TOM
+BROWNE, EVERARD HOPKINS AND OTHERS
+
+PUBLISHED BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEFORE THE CURTAIN
+
+Most of the PUNCH artists of note have used their pencils on the
+theatre; with theatricals public and private none has done more than Du
+Maurier. All have made merry over the extravagances of melodrama and
+"problem" plays; the vanity and the mistakes of actors, actresses and
+dramatists; and the blunderings of the average playgoer.
+
+MR. PUNCH genially satirises the aristocratic amateurs who, some few
+years ago, made frantic rushes into the profession, and for a while
+enjoyed more kudos as actors than they had obtained as titled members
+of the upper circle, and the exaggerated social status that for the time
+accrued to the professional actor as a consequence of this invasion.
+
+The things he has written about the stage, quite apart from all
+reviewing of plays, would more than fill a book of itself; and he has
+slyly and laughingly satirised players, playwrights and public with an
+equal impartiality.
+
+He has got a deal of fun out of the French dramas and the affected
+pleasure taken in them by audiences that did not understand the
+language. He has got even more fun out of the dramatists whose "original
+plays" were largely translated from the French, and to whom Paris was,
+and to some extent is still, literally and figuratively "a playground."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY
+
+SOMETHING FOR THE MONEY
+
+(_From the Playgoers' Conversation Book. Coming Edition._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have only paid three guineas and a half for this stall, but it is
+certainly stuffed with the very best hair.
+
+The people in the ten-and-sixpenny gallery seem fairly pleased with
+their dado.
+
+I did not know the call-boy was at Eton.
+
+The expenses of this house must be enormous, if they always play _Box
+and Cox_ with a rasher of real Canadian bacon.
+
+How nice to know that the musicians, though out of sight under the
+stage, are in evening dress on velvet cushions!
+
+Whoever is the author of this comedy, he has not written up with spirit
+to that delightful Louis the Fifteenth linen cupboard.
+
+I cannot catch a word "Macbeth" is saying, but I can see at a glance
+that his kilt would be extremely cheap at seventy pounds.
+
+I am not surprised to hear that the "Tartar's lips" for the cauldron
+alone add nightly something like fifty-five-and-sixpence to the
+expenses.
+
+Do not bother me about the situation when I am looking at the quality of
+the velvet pile.
+
+Since the introduction of the _live_ hedgehog into domestic drama
+obliged the management to raise the second-tier private boxes to forty
+guineas, the Duchess has gone into the slips with an order.
+
+They had, perhaps, better take away the champagne-bottle and the
+diamond-studded whistle from the prompter.
+
+Ha! here comes the chorus of villagers, provided with real silk
+pocket-handkerchiefs.
+
+It is all this sort of thing that elevates the drama, and makes me so
+contented to part with a ten-pound note for an evening's amusement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Pantomime Child (to admiring friend)._ "Yus, and there's
+another hadvantage in bein' a hactress. You get yer fortygraphs took for
+noffink!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEIGHT OF LITERARY NECESSITY.--"Spouting" Shakspeare.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN are parsons bound in honour not to abuse theatres?
+
+When they take orders.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT VOTE THE MANAGER OF A THEATRE ALWAYS HAS.--The "casting" vote.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STAND NOT ON THE ORDER OF YOUR GOING."--An amiable manager says the
+orders which he issues for the pit and gallery are what in his opinion
+constitute "the lower orders."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREAT THEATRICAL EFFECT.--During a performance of _Macbeth_ at the
+Haymarket, the thunder was so natural that it turned sour a pint of beer
+in the prompter's-box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DRAMA.--"'Ere, I say, 'Liza, we've seen this 'ere
+play before!" "No, we ain't." [_Wordy argument follows._] "Why, don't
+you remember, same time as Bill took us to the 'Pig an' Whistle,' an' we
+'ad stewed eels for supper?" "Oh lor! Yes, that takes me back to it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE APPRECIATION
+
+(_Overheard at the Theatre_)
+
+_Mrs. Parvenu._ "I don't know that I'm exackly _gone_ on Shakspeare
+Plays."
+
+    [_Mr. P. agrees._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Conversationalist._ "Do you play ping-pong?"
+
+_Actor._ "No. I play _Hamlet_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ACTORS WHO ARE NOT WORTH A THOUGHT.--We notice that there is a book
+called "Acting and Thinking." This is to distinguish it, we imagine,
+from the generality of acting, in which there is mostly no thinking?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRUSHER.--_Country Manager (to Mr. Agrippa Snap, the great London
+critic, who has come down to see the production of a piece on trial)._
+And what do you think, sir, of our theatre and our players?
+
+_Agrippa Snap (loftily)._ Well, frankly, Mr. Flatson, your green-room's
+better than your company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The higher walk of the drama]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Auntie, can _you_ do that?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Theatrical managers are so often accused of being unable to break with
+tradition, that it seems only fair to point out that several of them
+have recently produced plays, in which the character of "Hamlet" does
+not appear at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON A DRAMATIC AUTHOR
+
+  "Yes, he's a plagiarist," from Tom this fell,
+    "As to his social faults, sir, one excuses 'em;
+  'Cos he's good natured, takes a joke so well."
+    "True," cries an author, "he takes mine and uses 'em."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MANAGER'S COMPLAINT
+
+  She danced among the unfinished ways
+    That merge into the Strand,
+  A maid whom none could fail to praise,
+    And very few withstand.
+
+  A sylph, accepted for the run,
+    Not at a weekly wage;
+  Fair as a star when only one
+    Is shining on the stage.
+
+  She met a lord, and all men know
+    How soon she'd done with me;
+  Now she is in _Debrett_, oh, and,
+    That's where they all would be!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FIRST NIGHT.--_Indignant Playwright (to leading actor,
+behind the scenes)._ "Confound it, man, you've absolutely murdered the
+piece!" _Leading Actor._ "Pardon me, but I think the foul play is
+yours!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Smart._ How do, Smooth? (_to theatrical manager, who frowns upon him_).
+What's the matter, eh?
+
+_Smooth._ Matter? Hang it, Smart, you wrote me down in "The Stinger."
+
+_Smart (repressing something Shakspearian about "writing down" which
+occurs to him, continues pleasantly)._ Wrote you down? No, I said the
+piece was a bad one, because I thought it was; a very bad one.
+
+_Smooth._ Bad! (_Sarcastically._) You were the only man who said so.
+
+_Smart (very pleasantly)._ My dear fellow, _I was the only man who saw
+it._ Good-bye.
+
+    [_Exeunt severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A BOX-OFFICE KEEPER.--"So much for booking 'em."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A considerable demonstration of approval greeted the fall of the
+curtain." How are we to take this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE DESIRE OF THE MOTH FOR THE STAR."--_Mistress._ "And
+you dare to tell me, Belinda, that you have actually answered a
+_theatrical advertisement_? How _could_ you be such a _wicked_ girl?"
+_Belinda (whimpering)._ "Well, mum,--_other_ young lidies--gow on
+the--stige--why shouldn't _I_ gow?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME.--_Mr. Æsopus Delasparre._
+"I will ask you to favour me, madam, by refraining from laughing at me
+on the stage during my third act." _Miss Jones (sweetly)._ "Oh, but I
+assure you you're mistaken, Mr. Delasparre; I never laugh at you on the
+stage--I wait till I get home!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SWEEPING ASSERTION.--"The other night, at the Novelty
+Theatre, Mrs. Vere-Jones was gowned simply in a _clinging_ black velvet,
+with a cloak of same handsomely trimmed with ermine."--_Extract from
+Society Journal._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRAMATIC NOTES OF THE FUTURE
+
+     [A little cheild is the hero of _Everybody's Secret_; the curtain
+     rises upon four little cheildren in _Her Own Way_; there are
+     cheildren of various ages in _Alice-Sit-by-the-fire_.]
+
+Mr. Barrie's new play, _The Admirable Crèche_, will be presented
+to-morrow. We understand that there is a pretty scene in the third act
+in which several grown-ups are discovered smoking cigars. It may
+confidently be predicted that all the world will rush to the "Duke of
+York's" to see this novelty. _The Admirable Crèche_ will be preceded at
+8.30 by _Bassinette--A Plea for a Numerous Family_, a one-act play by
+Theodore Roosevelt and Louis N. Parker.
+
+Little Baby Wilkins is making quite a name with her wonderful rendering
+of "Perdita" in the Haymarket version of _A Winter's Tale_. As soon as
+actor-manager Wilkins realised the necessity of cutting the last two
+acts (in which "Perdita" is grown up) the play was bound to succeed. By
+the way, Mr. E. H. Cooper's new book, "Perditas I have Known," is
+announced.
+
+Frankly, we are disappointed in Mr. Pinero's new play, _Little Arthur_,
+produced at Wyndham's last week. It treated of the old old theme--the
+love of the hero for his nurse. To be quite plain, this stale triangle,
+mother--son--nurse, is beginning to bore us. Are there no other themes
+in every-day life which Mr. Pinero might take? Could he not, for
+instance, give us an analysis of the mind of a young genius torn between
+the necessity for teething and the desire to edit a great daily? Duty
+calls him both ways: his duty to himself and his duty to the public.
+Imagine a Wilkins in such a scene!
+
+The popular editor of the "Nursery," whose unrivalled knowledge of
+children causes him to be referred to everywhere as our greatest
+playwright, is a little at sea in his latest play, _Rattles_. In the
+first act he rashly introduces (though by this time he should know his
+own limitations) two grown-ups at lunch--Mr. Jones the father, and Dr.
+Brown, who discuss Johnny's cough. Now we would point out to Mr. Crouper
+that men of their age would be unlikely to have milk for lunch; and
+that they would not say "Yeth, pleath"--unless of Hebraic origin, and
+Mr. Crouper does not say so anywhere. Mr. Crouper must try and see
+something of grown-ups before he writes a play of this kind again.
+
+We regret to announce that Cecil Tomkins, _doyen_ of actor-managers, is
+down again with mumps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART. A MUSICAL COMEDY]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE PREMIÈRE
+
+_Lady in Front Row (to her neighbour, towards the end of the second
+act)._ "Who is this man next me, who's just come in,--do you know? He
+doesn't seem to be paying the smallest attention to the play!"
+
+_Her Neighbour._ "Oh, I expect he's a critic. He's probably made up his
+mind long ago what he's going to say of the piece; but he's just dropped
+in to _confirm his suspicions_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NO FIRST-NIGHTER.--_First Man in the Street._ See the eclipse last
+night?
+
+_Second Man in the Street._ No. Thought it might be crowded. Put off
+going till next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BILL OF THE PLAY]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE PROFESSION.--_Rising Young Dramatist._
+"Saw your wife in front last night. What did she think of my new
+comedy?"
+
+_Brother Playwright_. "Oh, I think she liked it. She told me she had a
+good laugh."
+
+_R. Y. D._ "Ah--er--when was that?"
+
+_B. P._ "During the _entr'acte_. One of the attendants dropped an ice
+down her neighbour's neck."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN
+
+_Dora_ (_consulting a playbill_). "Only fancy! '_As You Like It_' is by
+Shakspeare!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. A REHEARSAL.--_The Captain._ "At
+this stage of the proceedings I've got to kiss you, Lady Grace. Will
+your husband mind, do you think?"
+
+_Lady Grace._ "Oh no! It's for a _charity_, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INFANT ROSCIUS.--_Stage Manager_ (_interviewing
+children with the idea of engaging them for a new play_). "Has this
+child been on the stage?"
+
+_Proud Mother._ "No; but he's been on an inquest, and he speaks up
+fine!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY.--_Tragedian._ "Cheap. Ha, ha! Why in my time
+they _threw_ them at us!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Well, papa, how did you enjoy the play to-night?"
+
+"Oh, I think I enjoyed it fairly well, my dear. I've got a general sort
+of idea that I didn't go to sleep over it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Lady Amateur._ "Oh, what a pity! We've just
+missed the first act!"
+
+_Languid Friend._ "Have we? Ah--rather glad. I always think the chief
+pleasure of going to a theatre is trying to make out what the first act
+was about!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL.--When it is announced that an actor will be supported by the
+_entire_ company, it is not thereby meant that the said professional is
+sustained in his arduous part solely by draughts of Barclay, Perkins and
+Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The wretch who refuses to take his wife to the theatre deserves to be
+made to sit out a play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD "PIECE" OF FURNITURE FOR THEATRICAL MANAGERS.--A chest of
+"drawers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGENERATION OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--There are at this moment three
+English managers in Paris "in search of novelty!" More: three
+distinguished members of the Dramatic Authors' Society started for
+France last night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AS GOOD AS A PLAY."--Performing a funeral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLANT IN SEASON.--Now is the time of year when managers of theatres
+show a botanical taste, for there is not one of them who does not do his
+best to have a great rush at his doors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRAMATIC AUTHOR'S PLAYGROUND.--Paris.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL NOTE.--_Net_ profits are generally the result of a good
+"_cast_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Shakspeare and the first Quart O"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Shakspeare and the last Quart O"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DUBIOUS COMPLIMENT.--_Rector's Wife_ (_after harvest festival_).
+Well, Mrs. Piggleswade, how did you like the Bishop's sermon?
+
+_Mrs. Piggleswade._ Oh! ma'am, I ain't been so much upset since my old
+man took me to the wariety theayter in London last August twelve-month,
+and 'eard a gen'leman sing about his grandmother's cat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a poor actor on the Norwich circuit who squinted most
+dreadfully: he was put up on one occasion for "Lear." "We must succeed,"
+said the manager, "for there never was a _Lear_ with so strong a
+_cast_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RICHMOND DINNER.--A shouting actor who performs the part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY DEPUTY
+
+  As Shakspeare could not write his plays
+    (If Mrs. Gallup's not mistaken),
+  I think how wise in many ways
+    He was to have them done by Bacon;
+  They might have mouldered on the shelf,
+    Mere minor dramas (and he knew it!)
+  If he had written them himself
+    Instead of letting Bacon do it.
+
+  And if it's true, as Brown and Smith
+    In many learned tomes have stated,
+  That Homer was an idle myth,
+    He ought to be congratulated;
+  Since, thus evading birth, he rose
+    For men to worship from a distance:
+  He might have penned inferior prose
+    Had he achieved a real existence.
+
+  To him and Shakspeare some agree
+    In making very nice allusions,
+  But no one thinks of praising me,
+    For I composed my own effusions:
+  As others wrote their works divine,
+    And they immortal thus to day are,
+  If someone else had written mine
+    I might have been as great as they are!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Famous Lion Comique_ (_to his agent, who is not much of
+a cigar smoker_). "What did you think of that cigar as I give you the
+other day?"
+
+_Agent._ "Well, the first night I liked it well enough. But the second
+night I didn't like it so well. And the third I didn't like it at all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Numerous applications were received by the manager of Covent Garden from
+"professionals" wishing to take part in _The Forty Thieves_. It was not
+found possible to offer engagements to the following (amongst others):--
+
+_The Thief_--who stole a march.
+
+_The Thief_--in the candle.
+
+_The Thief_--who was set to catch a thief.
+
+_The Thief_--who stole the "purse" and found it "trash."
+
+_The Thief_--who stole up-stairs.
+
+_The Thief_--of time, _alias_ procrastination, and--
+
+_The Thief_--who stole a kiss (overwhelming number of applicants).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA
+
+_Berthelda._--Sanguino, you have killed your _mother_!!!
+
+_Fruitwoman._--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
+
+    (_Curtain falls._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Music-hall.]
+
+[Illustration: A Melodrama at the "Surrey".]
+
+[Illustration: Screaming Farcical Comedy.]
+
+[Illustration: A pathetic "Comedy-Drama."]
+
+[Illustration: Another.]
+
+[Illustration: A patriotic Drama at the "National Theatre".]
+
+[Illustration: The Opera.]
+
+[Illustration: And.]
+
+[Illustration: Three acts.]
+
+[Illustration: of Henrik Ibsen.]
+
+[Illustration: The deplorable issue.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bishops," said the Rev. Mr. Phillips to the Playgoers' Club, "are not
+really so stiff and starchy as they are made out to be. There is a good
+heart beneath the gaiters." Calf-love, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIFFERENT VIEWS.--Bishops complain of a dearth of candidates for orders.
+Managers of theatres think differently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEG-ITIMATE SUCCESSES.--Modern extravaganzas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL.--The only people who never suffer in the long run--managers
+of theatres.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STANDING ORDERS."--Free admissions who can't get seats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY"
+
+_Husband_ (_after the Adagio, to musical wife_). "My dear, are we going
+to stay to the 'bitter end'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. SENSATION OPERA.
+
+_Manager_ (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "My dear fellow, I've
+brought you the score of the new opera. We've arranged _such_ a scena
+for you in the third act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the
+keelhauling scene, you know! Heavy rolling sea, eh?--Yes, and we can
+have some real spray pumped on to you from the fire-engine! Volumes of
+smoke from the funnel, close behind your head--in fact, you'll be
+enveloped as you rush on to the bridge! And then you'll sing that lovely
+barcarolle through the speaking-trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the
+ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT A PROBLEM PLAY.--_Mr. Dinkershein_ (_eminent critic_). How did you
+enjoy the piece, Miss MacGuider?
+
+_Miss MacGuider._ Well, to tell the truth, I didn't know what it was all
+about.
+
+_Mr. Dinkershein._ Excellent. The author gives us so much to think of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUESTION AND ANSWER.--"Why don't I write plays?" Why should I?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT EXACTLY A THEATRICAL MANAGER'S GUIDING MOTTO.--"Piece at any price."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SHAKSPEARIAN SOCIETY.--In the course of a discussion, Mrs. ----
+observed, that she was positive that Shakspeare was a butcher by trade,
+because an old uncle of hers had bought _lambs' tails from Shakspeare_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SOUND DUES."--Fees to opera box-keepers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COPYRIGHT AND COPYWRONG.--The dramatist who dramatises his neighbour's
+novel against his will, is less a playwright than a plagiary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CROSS OLD THING!"--_Wife._ "I'm going into town now,
+dear. Shall I book places for _Caste_ or _Much ado about Nothing_?"
+_Husband._ "Oh, please yourself, my dear; but I should say we've enough
+'Ado about Nothing' at home!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_Brown (rehearsing his part as the
+"Vicomte de Cherisac")._ "Yas, Marie! I've fondly loved ye. (_Sobs
+dramatically._) 'Tis well--but no mat-tar-r!" _Housemaid (to cook,
+outside the door)._ "Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't master a givin' it to
+missis!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TECHNICAL.--_First Player_ ("_Juvenile Lead_"). Play
+Scene--Hamlet. (_Deferentially_). "What do you think of it?" _Second
+Player_ ("_First Heavy_"). "How precious well them 'supers' are painted,
+ain't they?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOUBLE DISAPPOINTMENT.--_Stern Hostess (who is giving
+private theatricals)._ "You are very late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've
+begun long ago!" _Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that
+particular form of entertainment)._ "What! You don't mean to say they're
+at it still!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODEST APPEAL.--_Lady (to big drum)._ "Pray, my good man,
+don't make that horrid noise! I can't hear myself speak!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MODERN REHEARSAL
+
+_Leading Lady (to Stage Manager)._ Who's that man in the ulster coat
+talking to the call-boy?
+
+_Stage Manager._ Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I
+was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the
+dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for
+his cackle. Ah! here he is.
+
+_Splitter._ Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the
+boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage
+would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me.
+
+_Stage Man._ Of course I will. Capital idea. (_Marks prompt-book._) I
+wonder who that chap is in the wing?
+
+_Splitter._ Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo,
+Wobbler, brought your new song?
+
+_Wobbler._ Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital
+wheezes.
+
+_Splitter._ No poaching, old chap.
+
+_Wobbler._ Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning,
+Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose?
+
+_Miss Skid (brightly)._ I'm always "perfect." But--(_seriously_)--I had
+to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The
+Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss!
+
+    [_Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations._
+
+_Stage Man._ Places, ladies and gentlemen.
+
+_Mr. Footlyte._ Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I
+have completely rewritten the second act, and----
+
+_The Stranger in the Ulster._ But, sir, I beg of you to remember----
+
+_Mr. F._ Who is that man?
+
+_Everybody._ We don't know!
+
+_Mr. F. (advancing)._ Who are you, sir, who dare to trespass on my
+premises?
+
+_The S. in the U._ Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte?
+
+_Mr. F._ No, sir, I do not. What's your business?
+
+_The S. in the U. (nervously)._ I am the author of the piece.
+
+_Everybody._ Ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Mr. F._ Then you're not wanted here. (_To stage manager._) Jenkins,
+clear the stage.
+
+    [_The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT.--_Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after
+production of his new comedy)._ And what did you think of my little
+piece the other night?
+
+_Miss Lagushe._ I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I
+thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for _you_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEO-DRAMATIC NURSERY RHYME
+
+    Mrs. Grundy, good woman, scarce knew what to think
+    About the relation 'twixt drama and drink.
+    Well, give hall--and theatre--good wholesome diet,
+    And all who attend will be sober and quiet!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Younger Son of Ducal House._ "Mother, allow me to
+introduce to you--my wife."
+
+_His Wife (late of the Frivolity Theatre)._ "How do, Duchess? I'm the
+latest thing in mésalliances!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO AMATEUR PLAYWRIGHTS.
+
+_Of the Essence of Drama._--It is not strictly necessary that you should
+know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that
+whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk,
+and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice,
+or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it
+is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.
+
+_Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing._--Owing to the competition
+nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as
+practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely
+farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to
+that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into
+poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show
+that it _is_ poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act
+III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to elope with the heroine
+(already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and
+wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high
+spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand,
+will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious
+people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a
+number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your
+audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young
+ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits
+of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually
+accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage
+carpenter will attend to these.
+
+_Of Humour._--Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your
+characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however,
+that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will
+be surpassed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind
+a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a
+stage-direction.
+
+_Of Dialogue._--Speeches of more than half a page, though useful for
+clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of
+repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect,
+no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes
+in recitation.
+
+_Of the Censorship._--This need not be feared unless you are unduly
+serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where
+the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in
+problems.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE STAGE-WORSHIPPERS.--"Mummer's the word!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE OF HER OPINION
+
+_Gushing Young Woman (to famous actor)._ "Oh, do you know, Mr.
+Starleigh, I'm simply _mad_ to go on the stage!" _Famous Actor._ "Yes, I
+should think you _would_ be, my dear young lady!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DECLINE OF THE DRAMA
+
+  Mundungus deems the drama is declining,
+    Yet fain would swell the crowded playwright ranks.
+  The secret of his pessimist opining,
+    Is--all _his_ dramas _are_ declined--with thanks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES
+
+(_For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic Art_)
+
+  'Tis the voice of the prompter,
+    I hear him quite plain;
+  He has prompted me twice,
+    Let him prompt me again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A suggestion to the refreshment departments of our
+theatres, much simpler than the old method of struggling by, and would
+prevent the men going out between the acts.]
+
+[Illustration: First night of musical comedy. The authors called before
+the curtain.]
+
+[Illustration: _Jones (arriving in the middle of the overture to
+"Tristan und Isolde"--quite audibly)._ "Well, thank goodness we're in
+_plenty of time!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE STALLS
+
+Time past--Crinoline era]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE SHAKESPEARIAN MOTTO FOR A FIRM OF ADVERTISING AGENTS.--"Posters
+of the sea and land."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUID PRO QUO.--_Actor-Manager (to Dramatic Author)._ What I want is a
+one-part piece.
+
+_Dramatic Author._ That's very easily arranged. You be number one, and
+"part" to me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE STALLS
+
+Time present--Fan development]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Araminta._ Why, dearest, do you call those witticisms, which the
+comedians deliver with such ready humour, "gags"?
+
+_Corydon (the playwright)._ Because they always stifle the author.
+
+    [_Smiles no more during the evening._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUMMER'S BÊTE-NOIRE.--"_Benefits_ forgot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES
+
+_Sangazur, Senior._ "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about
+your wanting to marry an actress?"
+
+_Sangazur, Junior._ "It's quite true, sir. But--er--you can have no
+conception how _very poorly_ she acts!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STUDIED INSULT.--_Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial
+Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse
+Show)._ "Box or two stalls, sir?" _Murphy._ "What the dev'l d'ye mane?
+D'ye take me an' the missus for a pair o' proize 'osses? Oi'll have two
+sates in the dhress circle, and let 'em be as dhressy as possible,
+moind!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE SLEEPING BEAUTY."--"Nervous? oh dear no! I only
+acted _once_ in private theatricals, Mr. Jones, and, although it was an
+important part, I had nothing to say!" "Really? What _was_ the part?"
+"_Can't you guess?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLLABORATEURS.--Jennings and Bellamy, the famous
+dramatists, planning one of those thrilling plays of plot and passion,
+in which (as everybody knows) Jennings provides the inimitable broad
+humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is
+the shorter of the two.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS
+
+(_From the Common-place Book of a Novelist_)
+
+Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on
+the stage.
+
+Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than
+actor-managers.
+
+Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place--except in
+novels.
+
+Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only
+three years to compose a novel?
+
+Because critics who send articles to magazines inviting one to
+contribute to the stage, have no right to dictate to us.
+
+Because a fairly successful novel means five hundred pounds, and a
+fairly successful play yields as many thousands--why be influenced by
+mercenary motives?
+
+Because all novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no
+time left for outside labour.
+
+And last, and (perhaps) not least, Why don't I send in a play? Because I
+_have_ tried to write _one_, and find I can't quite manage it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HER FIRST PLAY.--_Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a
+great treat, to a morning performance)._ "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!"
+
+_Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage)._
+"But, mummy,--_they're_ talking!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ When are the affairs of a theatre likely to assume a somewhat fishy
+aspect? _A._ When there's a sole lessee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Evangeline._ Why is this called the dress circle mamma?
+
+_Mamma._ Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FORM OF EQUESTRIAN DRAMA.--Horseplay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Mellow drammer]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIRST NIGHT OF AN UNAPPRECIATED MELODRAMA.--_He._ "Are we
+alone?" _Voice from the Gallery._ "No, guv'nor; but you will be
+to-morrow night."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COMMISSARIAT
+
+_Our Bandmaster (to purveyor of refreshments)._ "We must hev beef
+sangwitches, marm! Them ham ones make the men's lips that greasy, they
+can't blow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NOTE AND QUERY
+
+_Wife (given to literature and the drama)._ "George, what is the meaning
+of the expression, 'Go to!' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the
+old dramatists?"
+
+_Husband (not a reading man)._ "'Don't know, I'm sure, dear, unless----
+Well,--p'raps he was going to say----but thought it wouldn't sound
+proper!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIC VOS NON VOBIS DRAMATISATIS, WRITERS!
+
+_Wife of his Bosom (just home from the play)._ "And then that _darling_
+Walter Lisson, looking like a Greek god, drew his stiletto, and
+delivered, oh! _such_ an exquisite soliloquy over her tomb--all in blank
+verse--like heavenly music on the organ!"
+
+_He._ "Why, he's got a voice like a raven, and can no more deliver blank
+verse than he can fly."
+
+_She._ "Ah, well--it was very beautiful, all the same--all about love
+and death, you know!"
+
+_He._ "Who wrote the piece, then?"
+
+_She._ "Who wrote the piece? Oh--er--well--his name's sure to be on the
+bill somewhere--at least I _suppose_ it is!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR GENERAL THEATRICAL FUND.--Why would a good-natured dramatic
+critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes
+to pieces easily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. BY A MANAGER
+
+  To say "boo" to a goose requires some doing.
+  In theatres 'tis the goose who does the "booing,"
+  And though a man may do the best he can, sir,
+  _Anser_ will hiss, though hissing may not answer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE
+
+                              "A POOR player,
+  Who struts and frets his hour on the stage,
+  And then--goes in society."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A solo on the horn]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.--_Rupert the Reckless (Tompkins, a
+distinguished amateur from town)._ "Now, I call it a beastly shame,
+Jenkins; you haven't ordered that brute of yours off my togs, and you
+know I can't go back to the inn like _this_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene I.--The Tragic
+Mews]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene II.--The Comic
+Mews]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AMBIGUOUS.--_First Actress._ "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so
+chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to
+say I can't act." _Second Ditto._ "Surely a certificate isn't necessary,
+dear?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tenor (at amateur concert)._ "It's my turn next, and I'm
+so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me,
+Miss Brown?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Smith._ "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you
+think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of
+elevating the stage." _Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse
+of the stage all the afternoon)._ "Well--er--it would come to much the
+same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_The Countess._ "Will this cruel war
+_never_ end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to
+catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return.
+But, hark! what is that I hear?"
+
+    [_Stage direction.--"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't
+    rehearsed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the
+    local cornet-player who helped us on the night._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has
+a private performance of his own in the nursery.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mazeppa._ "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ACTOR.--_Billy Wapshot._ "I
+say, look here, you know! They've cast me for the part of _Sir Guy
+Earliswoodde_, an awful ass that everyone keeps laughing at! How the
+dickens am I to act such a beastly part as that?--and how am I to dress
+for it, I should like to know?" _Brown (stage manager)._ "My dear
+fellow, dress _just as you are!_--and as for acting, _be as natural as
+you possibly can!_ It will be an immense success!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE JEUNE PREMIER.--"_What_,
+Eleanor? You know _Sir Lionel Wildrake_, the handsomest, wittiest, most
+dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no woman has ever been
+known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But hush! He comes----"
+
+    [_Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake_.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a blessing on peacemakers--is there one on playwrights?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French crib.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COURT THEATRE TICKET.--The order of the garter available only at
+Windsor as an order for the stalls.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NAME FOR A THEATRE WHERE THE ACTORS ARE MORE OR LESS
+UNINTELLIGIBLE.--"The Mumbles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Music by handle.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM
+
+"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a
+suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I--a--_think_ I may
+flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my
+social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!"
+
+"I admit that to be the case just _at present_--but the social position
+of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day _may_ come when even the
+leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a _Bishop_,
+let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of
+the--a--House of Beaumanoir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TURNING A PHRASE.--_Dramatic Author._ "What the deuce do
+you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's
+shameful!" _Dramatic Critic._ "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old
+man--you'll see how pleased I was, _if you'll only read between the
+lines!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_A Booth in the Wild West_
+
+_The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the
+Pacific."_
+
+_Author._ "What is the audience shouting for?"
+
+_Manager._ "They're calling for the author."
+
+_Author._ "Then hadn't I better appear?"
+
+_Manager._ "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Men Were Deceivers Ever"
+
+_First Counter Tenor._ "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at
+our entrance."
+
+_Second Counter Tenor._ "Oh, then, let's go out at the _bass_ door!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COMMENTATORS.--_First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy)._
+"I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've
+made a discovery--that _Horatio_ was _Hamlet's_ father!" _Second
+Quidnunc (enchanted)._ "You don't say so!" _First Quidnunc._ "My dear
+sir, doesn't _Hamlet_, when he handles _Yorick's_ skull, address
+_Horatio_, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A Disenchantment
+
+_Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country)._
+"_Dear_ me! He's a _very_ different-looking person from what I had
+always imagined!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JUST HINT A FAULT"
+
+_Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera_
+
+_Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate)._ "Tom, dear, don't you
+think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people
+behind, you know?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER
+
+  Who gets, by hook or crook, from me
+  Admittance free, though well knows he
+  That myriads turned away will be?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who, while he for his programme pays
+  The smallest silver coin, inveighs
+  Against such fraud with eyes ablaze?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who to his neighbour spins harangues,
+  On how he views with grievous pangs
+  The dust that on our hangings hangs?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who, in a voice which rings afar,
+  Declares, while standing at the bar,
+  Our drinks most deleterious are?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers
+  That others give? Who jeers and sneers
+  At all he sees and all he hears?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who loudly, as the drama's plot
+  Unfolds, declares the tale a lot
+  Of balderdash and tommy-rot?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who dubs the actors boorish hinds?
+  Who fault with all the scenery finds?
+  Who with disgust his molars grinds?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who spreads dissatisfaction wide
+  'Mongst those who else with all they spied
+  Had been extremely satisfied?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who runs us down for many a day,
+  And keeps no end of folks away
+  That else would for admittance pay?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who keeps his reputation still,
+  For recompensing good with ill
+  With more than pandemonium's skill?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom
+  In all its blackness o'er me loom?
+  Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON.--_Mrs. Harris._ "Yes, William, I've
+thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and
+dickey-bird, and so I'm going!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A five bar rest]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "Young man, I hear that you
+propose to essay the _rôle_ of the melancholy Dane. What induced you to
+do it?" _Prosperous London ditto._ "Oh, I don't know. They egged me on
+to it." _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "H'm. They egged _me OFF_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME
+
+(_By an Intelligent Schoolboy_)
+
+That demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on their
+visiting lists the most beautiful of the fairies.
+
+That the attendants upon the demons (presumably their victims) spend
+much of their time in break-downs.
+
+That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a
+distressingly long time.
+
+That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their
+tongues, than clothes to their backs.
+
+That the fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering they
+dance so much in the sunlight.
+
+That the tight and scanty costume of the fairies is most insufficient
+protection from the showers that must be required to produce the
+gigantic and highly-coloured fairy _flora_.
+
+That the chief fairy (to judge from her allusions to current events)
+must take in the daily papers.
+
+That harlequin is always shaking his bat, but nothing seems to come of
+it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or, in
+short, what he's at altogether.
+
+That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see
+why they don't catch her.
+
+That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be
+exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown.
+
+That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts,
+butter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the
+whole is lucky to escape hanging.
+
+That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked
+head-over-heels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW PLAY
+
+_Low Comedian._ "Have you seen the notice?"
+
+_Tragedian._ "No; is it a good one?"
+
+_Low Comedian._ "It's a fortnight's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A quick movement with an obligato accompaniment.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TERRIFIC SITUATION!
+
+Heroine of domestic drama pursued by the unprincipled villain is about
+to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPRECIATIVE!
+
+_The eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs. Mugby, of the village laundry)._
+I'm delighted that you were able to come to our schoolroom performance
+of _Scenes from Shakspeare_.
+
+_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, so was I, mum. That there "'Amblet"--and the grand
+lady, mum----
+
+_Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly)._ You mean "Hamlet" and his
+mother--the vicar and myself. You enjoyed it?
+
+_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, we did, mum! We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh for
+many a long day.
+
+    [_Exit_ Miss B., _thinking that Shakspeare is perhaps somewhat thrown
+    away on this yokality_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOOK OF THE PLAY (_as managers like it_).--"All places taken for the
+next fortnight."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When actors complain that all they require is "parts," they generally
+tell the exact truth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME
+
+"Where got'st thou that goose?--look!"
+                (_Macbeth_, Act V., Sc. 3.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISENCHANTMENT.--_Grandpapa._ "_What_? Bob in love with
+Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" _Bob (firing up)._
+"Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had
+better not be said in my presence, that's all!" _Grandpapa._ "_I_ say a
+word _against_ her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over
+ears in love with her _myself_--_when I was your age!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROBLEM PLAY.--_New Woman (with the hat)._ "No! _My_
+principle is simply _this_--if there's a _demand_ for these plays, it
+must be _supplied_!" _Woman not New (with the bonnet)._ "Precisely! Just
+as with the bull-fights in Spain!"
+
+    [_Scores_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES--THE BLAMELESS
+BALLET
+
+["_Mr. Chamberlain has expressed himself in sympathy with the scheme of
+the Rev. Forbes Phillips for running theatres in connection with the
+churches in country villages._"]
+
+There would, our artist imagines, be no difficulty in obtaining willing
+coryphées among the pew-openers and philanthropic spinsters of the
+various parishes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. M'Chrustie (in the washing-room of the Minerva
+Club)._ "Look here, waiter, what's the meaning of this? These brushes
+are as beastly grimy as if they'd been blacking boots----!" _Waiter._
+"Yes, sir: it's them members from the 'Junior Theshpian,' sir--as are
+'ere now, sir. They do dye theirselves to that degree----!"
+
+    [_Mr. M'C. rushes off and writes furiously to the Committee!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What were the "palmy" days of the drama?
+
+_A._ When they were first-rate hands at acting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR ALL DRAMATIC PERFORMERS.--"Act well your part."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BAND-BOX.--An orchestra.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What an awful voice that man's got!" said the manager, who was
+listening to the throaty tenor.
+
+"Call that a voice," said his friend; "it's a disease!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PRIVATE BOX.--A sentry box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "You can't sit there, mum. These here seats are
+reserved."
+
+"You don't seem to be aware that I'm one of the directors' wives!"
+
+"And if you was his _only_ wife, mum, I couldn't let you sit here."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+During the dull season a certain manager has issued such a number of his
+autographs in order to ensure the proper filling of his house that he
+has in playfulness conferred on it the nickname of the ordertorium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT MANAGERS, ACTRESSES, AND SPECTATORS ALL WANT.--A good dressing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTMAS MUSIC FOR THEATRES.--The "waits" between the acts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What we want for the British drama generally is not so much native
+talent as imagi-native talent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE MUSIC HALLS.--The birds that fly by night--the acro-bats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONFRÈRES.--_Master Jacky (who took part in some school
+theatricals last term,--suddenly, to eminent tragedian who has come to
+call)._ "I say, you know--I act!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA
+
+"What, back already, Archie! Was it a dull piece, then?"
+
+"Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and
+didn't see a soul I knew!--so I came away."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ TO
+STICK TO HIS LAST.
+
+_Fair Matron._ "I remember your acting '_Sir Anthony_,' _years_ ago,
+when I was a girl, Sir Charles! You did it splendidly!"
+
+_The Great Mathematician._ "Ah, would you believe it, that bit of acting
+brought me more compliments than anything I ever did?"
+
+_Fair Matron._ "I should _think_ so, indeed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMPANY THAT FREQUENTLY FILLS A THEATRE BETTER THAN A DRAMATIC
+ONE.--The Stationers' Company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The managers of Drury Lane, Gaiety, Alhambra and Empire Theatres ought
+_ex-officio_ to be members of the Worshipful Guild of Spectacle-makers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Walking Lady_" (_late for rehearsal_). "Oh, I'm so
+sorry to be late! I _do_ hope you haven't all been waiting for me?"
+
+_Stage Manager_ (_icily_). "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the
+gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNKIND CUT.--_Amateur._ "It was very kind of you to
+come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my
+_Hamlet_? Pretty good?" _Professional_ (_feigning ecstasy_). "Oh, my
+dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,--really I assure you, good's not the
+word!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Critic._ "Well, have you seen the great tragedian
+in _Romeo and Juliet_?"
+
+_Second ditto._ "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my
+ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CROWDED HOUSE
+
+_Angry Voice_ (_from a back seat_). "Ears off in front there, please!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA
+
+_The Marquis_ (_in the play_). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a
+gen'leman?"
+
+_Lord Adolphus_ (_spendthrift heir_). "You 'ave!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "STARTLING EFFECTS!"
+
+_Peep-Showman._ "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin'
+along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights
+means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"----
+
+_Small Boy_ (_with his eye to the aperture_). "But what's the yaller
+light, sir?"
+
+_Peep-Showman_ (_slow and impressive_). "There ain't no yaller
+light--but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and
+the red lights si'nif----"
+
+_Small Boy_ (_persistently_). "But wha's the other light, sir?"
+
+_Peep-Showman_ (_losing patience_). "Tell yer there ain't no"----(_takes
+a look--in consternation_)--"Blowed if the darned old show ain't
+a-fire!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT
+
+     ["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It
+     has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of
+     nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."--_The
+     Outlook._]
+
+  SCENE--_Nowhere in particular._
+
+  CHARACTERS.
+
+  HE, _a nonentity_.
+
+  SHE, _another_.
+
+_He._ Dear----!
+
+_She_ (_wearily_). Oh please don't. [_Does nothing._
+
+_He._ Why, what's the matter?
+
+_She._ Nothing.
+
+    [_He does nothing._
+
+_She._ Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow.
+(_Yawns._) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know
+why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on.
+
+_He._ All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I
+love you--will you marry me?
+
+_She_ (_very wearily_). Oh, I suppose so.
+
+_He._ Thanks very much. (_Kisses her._) There!
+    [_Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing._
+
+_She_ (_with sudden excitement_). Supposing I had said "No," would
+you have shot yourself?--would you have gone to the front?--would
+your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting
+have happened?
+
+_He_ (_with a great determination in his eyes_). Had you spurned my
+love----
+
+_She_ (_excitedly_). Yes, yes?
+
+_He_ (_with emotion_).--I should have--I should have--done nothing.
+    [_Does it._
+
+_She._ Oh!
+
+_He._ Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing
+of that sort had happened it would have been _off_ the stage. I
+hope I know my place.
+
+    [_She does nothing._
+
+_He_ (_politely_). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here?
+If not, we might----
+
+_She._ We must wait till somebody else comes on.
+
+_He._ True. (_Reflects deeply._) Er--do you mote much?
+
+    [_She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW HE OUGHT _NOT_ TO LOOK
+
+_Excited Prompter_ (_to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is
+working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume_).
+"Now then, Walker, _LOOK ALIVE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.--"MACBETH"
+
+       "Infirm of purpose!
+Give me the daggers."--_Act II. Sc. 2._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--I.
+
+_Miss Birdie Vandeleur ("Society's Pet"--vide her advertisements
+passim) bawls the refrain of her latest song_:--
+
+  "Ow, I am sow orferly _shy_, boys!
+  I am, and I kennot tell wy, boys!
+   Some dy, wen I'm owlder,
+   Per'aps I'll git bowlder,
+  But naow I am orfer-ly shy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--II. The Illustrative Method.
+
+  'E's not a _tall_ man--Nor a _short_ man--But he's just the man for me.'
+
+  "Not in the army--Nor the nivy--But the royal artill-er-ee!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ATTENTION AT THE PLAY.
+
+    (_As performed at many London Theatres_)
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box._
+
+    TIME--_Towards the end of the First Act of an established success._
+
+    PRESENT--_A party of Four._
+
+_No. 1_ (_gazing through opera glasses_). A good house. Do you know
+anyone?
+
+_No. 2._ Not a soul. Stay--aren't those the Fitzsnooks?
+
+_No. 3_ (_also using a magnifier_). You mean the woman in the red
+feather at the end of the third row of the stalls?
+
+_No. 4._ You have spotted them. They have got Bobby Tenterfore with
+them. You know, the Johnnie in the F. O.
+
+_No. 1._ I thought Mr. Tenterfore was at Vienna.
+
+_No. 4._ No; he _was_ going, but they sent another chap. Brought
+him back from somewhere in the tropics.
+
+_No. 3._ Then what is Mr. Tenterfore doing in town?
+
+_No. 4._ Oh! come home on leave. Lots of that sort of thing at the
+F. O.
+
+_No. 1_ (_having grown weary of looking at the audience_). By the
+way, _à propos de bottes_, I have some money to invest. Can you
+suggest anything?
+
+_No. 3._ They say that Diddlers Deferred will turn up trumps.
+
+_No. 1._ What do you mean by that? I only want to pop in and out
+between the accounts.
+
+_No. 3._ Then the Diddlers ought to suit you. They rose six last
+week, and ought to touch ten before settling day.
+
+_No. 1._ Then I am on. Thanks very much for the information. Ah!
+the curtain has fallen. So much for the first act! (_Enter
+visitor._) Ah! how are you? Where are you?
+
+_Visitor._ Well, I have got a stall, but I have only just come into
+the house. What are they playing?
+
+_No. 2._ I am sure I don't know; but if you are curious about it,
+here's the programme.
+
+_Visitor._ And what's it all about?
+
+_No. 1_ (_on behalf of self and companions_). We haven't the
+faintest notion.
+
+     [_Conversation becomes general, and remains so until the end of the
+     evening, regardless of the dialogue on the stage side of the
+     curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MELODRAMA IN THE SUBURBS.--_Elder Sister._ "Do give up,
+Nellie! They're only acting." _Nellie_ (_tearfully_). "You leave me
+alone. I'm enjoying it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.--_Doctor._ "No, my dear sir, we must
+keep ourselves quiet for the present. No stimulants--nothing more
+exciting than gruel. Gruel for breakfast, gruel for luncheon, gruel for
+dinner, gruel for----" _Peter Pundoleful_ (_a noted burlesque
+writer--though you wouldn't have thought it to look at him--rousing
+himself suddenly_). "Ah! my dear doctor, why is there not a society for
+the prevention of gruelty to animals?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY
+
+     RALPH ESSENDEAN, _aged about fifty, is discovered at a
+     writing-desk. He studies a newspaper, from which he reads aloud,
+     thoughtfully:--"So that a successful play may bring its author
+     anything from five to twenty thousand pounds." He lays down the
+     paper, mutters, "H'm!" and taking up a pencil bites it
+     meditatively. Enter Mrs. Essendean._
+
+_Mrs. Essendean_ (_crossing to Ralph, and placing her hand on his
+shoulder, asks affectionately_). Well, dear, and how is the play getting
+on?
+
+_Ralph_ (_irritably_). You talk of the play, Matilda, as though it were
+possible to write a four-act drama in ten minutes. The play is not
+getting on at all well, for the simple reason that I am only just
+thinking out the idea.
+
+_Mrs. Essendean_ (_seating herself by the table_). How nice, dear! And
+what _is_ the idea?
+
+_Ralph_ (_grimly_). That is just what I am wondering about. Now if you
+will kindly retire to the kitchen and make an omelette, or discharge the
+cook, I shall be obliged.
+
+    [_Leans over his desk._
+
+_Mrs. E._ But, dear, I am sure the cook is a most excellent servant,
+and----
+
+_Ralph_ (_turning round and speaking with repressed exasperation_). That
+was simply my attempt at a humorous explanation of my wish to be alone,
+Matilda.
+
+_Mrs. E._ (_smiling indulgently and rising_). Well, dear, of course if
+it's going to be a _funny_ play, I know you would like to be alone.
+(_Pausing at the open door._) And will you read it to us after dinner?
+You know the Willoughby-Smythes will be here, and Mr. and Mrs. Vallance
+from the Bank are coming in afterwards. I am sure they would like to
+hear it.
+
+_Ralph_ (_irritably_). The play isn't written yet. (_Plaintively._) _Do_
+go!
+
+_Mrs. E._ (_sweetly_). I'm sure you'd like to be alone. Don't keep
+dinner waiting.
+
+     [_Beams on him affectionately and exits. Ralph gives a sigh of
+     relief, rumples his hair, and then writes for a few minutes. Then
+     pauses, leans back, biting his pencil, when the door is flung open,
+     and a very good imitation of a whirlwind bursts into the room. The
+     whirlwind is a robust person of forty, he has a large round red
+     face fringed with sandy whiskers, and is one mass of health and
+     happiness. He wears Norfolk jacket, knickerbockers, gaiters and
+     thick boots, and carries a golfing bag. He slaps Ralph heartily on
+     the back, and laughs boisterously. Ralph collapses._
+
+_Tom_ (_heartily_). How are you? Going strong--what? Asked the wife for
+you, and she told me you were in here writing a play. Rippin' idea--what?
+
+_Ralph_ (_worried, but striving to be pleasant and polite_). What do you
+want, old chap?
+
+_Tom_ (_cheerfully_). Nothin' particular, only just to see how you were
+gettin' on--what? Do you good to have half an hour out, just a few
+holes--golf--what?
+
+_Ralph_ (_with great self-restraint_). Thanks, old man. Not now. You
+don't mind my asking you to leave me to myself a bit?
+
+_Tom_ (_amiably rising and picking up his bag_). All right, old chap,
+you know best--what? Thought I'd just look in--hey?--what? Well, I'm
+off. (_Goes to door, thinks for a moment, and then turns round._) I say,
+I know Thingummy's acting manager. If I can put in a word about your
+play--hey?--what?
+
+_Ralph_ (_rises hurriedly. Shakes hands with Tom, and skilfully
+manoeuvres him into the passage, then calls after him_). Good-bye, old
+man, and many thanks. (_Closes the door and returns to his desk,
+grinding his teeth._) Confound him! (_Takes up paper and writes a few
+lines, then reads aloud._) "Puffington puts the letter in his pocket and
+passes his hand through his hair. He groans 'O, why did I ever write
+those letters? I know Flossie, and this means fifty pounds at least, and
+if ever my mother-in-law gets to hear of it! O lor, here she is'" (_Puts
+down the paper and looks up at the ceiling._) Now, speaking to myself as
+one man to another, I can't help thinking that this sort of thing has
+been done before. I seem to have heard it somewhere. I'll--I'll--try a
+fresh start. (_Writes hurriedly for a few minutes and then reads._)
+"Scene.--Fashionable watering place, the beach is crowded; on the pier
+the band is playing a dreamy waltz. Edwin and Maud are discovered in an
+open boat. _Edwin._ You must be tired of rowing, sweetest; come and
+steer. _Maud._ Just as you like, darling. (_As they change seats the
+boat capsizes. After clinging for twenty minutes to the upturned keel,
+they are rescued by a passing steamer._)" That's all right for a
+"situation," but there seems a lack of dialogue. They can't very well
+talk while they are clinging to the boat; and what the deuce could they
+be talking about before? If I let them drown I shall have to introduce
+fresh characters. Bother! (_Meditates with frowning brow._) Playwriting
+appears to present more difficulties than I thought. (_Takes up a
+newspaper._) "May bring in anything from five to twenty thousand
+pounds!" Sounds tempting, but I wonder how it's done?
+
+     [_Takes a cigar from the mantelpiece, lights it, and, seating
+     himself near the fire, smokes thoughtfully. Gradually his head
+     sinks back on to the top of the chair, the cigar drops from his
+     relaxed fingers, and as he sleeps, the shadow of a smile breaks
+     across his face. An hour elapses; he is still sleeping. Enter Mrs.
+     Essendean, who brushes against the writing-table and sweeps the
+     sheets of manuscript to the ground._
+
+_Mrs. Essendean_ (_crossing to Ralph and lightly shaking him_). My dear,
+my dear, not dressed yet! Do you know the time--just the half-hour.
+
+
+(_Ralph starts up._) Eh? (_Looks at the clock._) Nearly half past, by
+Jove! I shan't be two seconds.
+
+    [_Rushes hastily from the room._
+
+_Mrs. Essendean (picks up the extinguished cigar, and drops it daintily
+into the fire. Looks round the room and sees the littering
+manuscript._) What an untidy old thing it is! (_Picks up the sheets,
+crumples them into a ball and throws them into the waste-paper basket._)
+There, that looks better.
+
+    [_Gazes into the mirror, pats her hair, and exit._
+
+    (_End of the play._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARADOXICAL.--_Ethel._ "It was a most wonderful
+performance, Aunt Tabitha! First, she was shot out of a cannon's mouth
+on to a trapeze fifteen yards above the orchestra, and then she swung
+herself up till she stood on a rope on one leg at least a hundred and
+twenty feet above our heads!" _Aunt Tabitha._ "Ah! I always think a
+woman _lowers_ herself when she does that!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FORM
+
+_First Masher._ "Let's stop and look at Punch and Judy, old chappie!
+I've heard it's as good as a play."
+
+_Second Masher._ "I dessay it is, my brave boy. But we ain't dressed,
+you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS
+
+SCENE: _Mr. Foote Lyter's back Drawing-room. Private Theatricals. Dress
+Rehearsal._
+
+_Mr. Foote Lyter._ "I say, Drawle, while the Duke is having his scene
+with Dora, where am _I_ to stand!" _Captain Drawle_ (_amateur stage
+manager_). "Well--er--my dear fellow--er--er--it's your own house, you
+know--_you can stand where you like_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POINT OF VIEW.--_Exasperated Old Gentleman_ (_to lady
+in front of him_). "Excuse me, madam, but my seat has cost me ten
+shillings, and I want to see. Your hat----" _The Lady._ "My hat has cost
+me ten _guineas_, sir, and I want it to _be seen_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Tomkins, who has recently made his appearance _en
+amateur_ as the Melancholy Dane, goes to have his photograph taken "in
+character." Unfortunately, on reaching the corner of the street, he
+finds _the road is up_, and he has to walk to the door! Tableau!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Clever Juvenile_ (_loq._). "Shakspeare? Pooh! For my
+part I consider Shakspeare a very much over-rated man."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME
+
+_Astonished Friend._ "Why!--Why! What on earth are these?"
+
+_Manager._ "These? Oh! These are _fairies_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S PATENT MATINEE HAT.
+
+Fitted with binocular glasses for the benefit of those sitting behind
+its wearer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HEARD AT A PROVINCIAL CIRCUS.--_Wag_ (_to unfortunate
+small gent, who has vainly endeavoured to persuade lady to remove her
+hat_). "Don't you see she's got a bird in her hat, sitting? You wouldn't
+have the lady addle-headed, would you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AMATEURS.--_Suburban Roscius._ "Ah, I saw you were at
+our 'theatricals' the other night. How did you like my assumption of
+_Hamlet_?" _Candid Friend._ "My dear f'llar--great'st piece of
+assumption I ever saw i' m' life!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+_Eminent Provincial Tragedian._ "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr
+tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!"
+
+_Sweet One._ "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, 'cause I was so
+sleepy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE"
+
+_Our Philanthropist_ (_who often takes the shilling gallery_--_to his
+neighbour_). "Only a middling house."
+
+_Unwashed Artisan._ "Ay--that sixpence extry, 'rather heavy for the
+likes o' huz, y'know. But there's one thing--it keeps out the
+riff-raff!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DRAMA.--_Æsthetic Critic_ (_at the club, after the
+theatre_). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the
+_dénoûment_ in _Romeo and Juliet_? Two lovers, both dying in the same
+vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could----"
+
+_Cynical Old Bachelor_ (_who has evidently never read the play_).
+"Um--'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Distinguished Amateur_ (_about to make his first
+appearance in public at a concert for the people_). "Oh, I _do_ feel so
+nervous!" _Sympathetic Friend._ "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous,
+my dear fellow. They applaud _anything_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S POINT OF VIEW.--_Mamma_ (_to Maud, who has
+been with her brother to the play, and is full of it_). "But was there
+no _love_ in the piece, then?" _Maud._ "_Love?_ Oh dear no, mamma. The
+principal characters were _husband and wife_, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LA COMEDIE FRANÇAISE
+
+_Jones_ (_who understands French so well, although he does not speak
+it_), _reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety_:--"'Le
+Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gender _should_ the man be, I should
+like to know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES," ETC.--_The Bishop._ "I
+hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a
+wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't
+it?"
+
+_Lady Godiva._ "Yes--a--but I dislike those bare-backed performances.
+They're so risky, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A very cold audience. (Suggestion for the stalls in
+mid-winter)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY"
+
+"Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at
+ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!"
+
+"A--no--I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy,
+refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French
+plays!"
+
+"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Français, alors?"
+
+"A--I beg your pardon?"
+
+"Je vous demande si vous savez le Français, parbleu! Cruche, Melon,
+Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Crétin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous êtes?"
+
+"A--quite so! No doubt! A--by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR
+
+     SCENE--_Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill
+     forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown,
+     Jones, and Robinson._
+
+_Brown._ Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. Yes;
+I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too soon
+after dinner for anything stronger.
+
+_Jones._ Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst for
+what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer.
+
+_Robinson._ Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the
+Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, and
+really after that capital _équivoque_ one feels quite satisfied. (_They
+are served by the bar attendant._) That was really very funny, where he
+hides behind the door when she is not looking.
+
+    [_Laughs at the recollection._
+
+_Brown._ And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes the
+canary-cage!
+
+    [_Chuckles._
+
+_Jones._ Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the curtain will be
+up directly. Rather clever, I am told. The _Rose of Rouen_--it is
+founded on the life of _Joan of Arc_. I am rather fond of these
+historical studies.
+
+_Brown._ So am I. They are very interesting.
+
+_Robinson._ Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I prefer
+melodrama. Judging from the title, _The Gory Hand_ should be uncommonly
+good.
+
+    [_Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the Refreshment
+    Room._
+
+_Brown._ Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (_To bar
+attendant._) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and
+for these gentlemen too.
+
+_Jones._ Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. However,
+wants a clear head to understand it. (_Sips his soda-water._) I don't
+see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to marry the
+Englishman.
+
+_Robinson._ Ah, but that was before the vision. If you think it over
+carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you must allow
+for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding circumstances.
+
+_Brown._ Are you going to stay for _The Gory Hand_?
+
+_Jones._ Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough
+of it.
+
+_Robinson._ Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong
+scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme.
+
+_Jones._ Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different
+from the other plays.
+
+_Robinson._ Well, I don't mind horrors--in fact, like them. There goes
+the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back.
+
+_Brown._ That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta!
+
+    [_Exit Robinson._
+
+_Jones._ Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot
+understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the
+curtain.
+
+_Brown._ Yes--but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see
+by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially
+at the end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the
+assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account.
+
+_Jones._ No--it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the
+merit of being short. (_Applause._) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how
+Robinson likes it. That _tableau_ at the end, of the
+starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful!
+(_Enter Robinson, staggering in._) Why, my boy, what's the matter?
+
+_Brown._ You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it
+all to-rights!
+
+_Robinson_ (_with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror_).
+Help, help! help! (_After a long shudder._) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!
+
+    [_At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol._
+
+_Brown._ Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for
+Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like _The Bells_,
+you require supporting.
+
+    [_Curtain and moral._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Manager of "Freak" Show._ "Have I got a vacancy for a
+giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"
+
+_Candidate._ "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN IRRESISTIBLE APPEAL.--_Mrs. Blokey_ (_who has called
+with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor
+and manager_). "And I've brought you my son, who's breakin' his mother's
+'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on givin' up the city and goin' on the
+stage--and his father an alderman and 'im in his father's business, and
+all the family thought of so 'ighly in Clapham! It's a _great grief_ to
+us, _I assure_ you, Mr. Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But
+it's too late for that, I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin'
+him a leadin' part in your next piece!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR DRAMATIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_His Wife_
+(_reading a Sunday paper_). "_A propos of Hamlet_, they say here that
+you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the dramatic
+art!"
+
+_He._ "Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE
+
+"Yah! Waitin' ter see der _kids_ play!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Actor_ (_excitedly_). "For _two_ long _years_ have
+I----"
+
+_A Voice from above._ "So you 'ave, guv'nor!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDY
+
+Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLOURED CLERGY
+
+(_A Memory of St. James's Hall_)
+
+_Uncle_ (_can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing_).
+"Who do you say they are, my dear!--Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind
+of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no
+doubt, my dear!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUPEREROGATION
+
+_Country Maid_ (_having first seen "missus" and the children into a
+cab_). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane
+Theat----?"
+
+_Crabbed Old Cabby_ (_with expression of ineffable contempt_). "Do I
+know! Kim aup----!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones_ (_alluding to the song_). "Not bad; but I think
+the girl might have put a little more _spirit_ into it with advantage."
+
+_Lushington._ "Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE THEATRICALS.--"What on earth made you tell that
+appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient
+Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you
+know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?"
+
+"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells
+the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in
+again."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOMESTIC DRAMA
+
+"Admit two to the boxes."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROGRESS
+
+_Young Rustic._ "Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"
+
+_Senior_ (_after a pause_). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday
+skewl, and don't know that!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAMLET" A LA SAUCE DUMB-CRAMBO
+
+[Illustration: "Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt!"--Act I.,
+Sc. 2.]
+
+[Illustration: "I could a tail unfold!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "What a falling off was there!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "Methinks I scent the morning hair!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "Brief let me be!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "Lend thy serious ear-ring to what I shall unfold!"--Act
+I., Sc. 5.]
+
+[Illustration: "Toby, or not Toby? that is the question."--Act II., Sc.
+2.]
+
+[Illustration: "The King, sir."--"Ay, sir, what of him?"--"Is in his
+retirement marvellous distempered."--"With drink, sir!"--"No, my lord,
+rather with collar!"--Act III., Sc. 2.]
+
+[Illustration: "Oh, my offence is rank!"--Act III., Sc. 3.]
+
+[Illustration: "Put your bonnet to his right use--'tis for the
+head."--Act V., Sc. 2.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE THEM."
+
+_Domesticated Wife._ "Oh, George, I wish you'd just----"
+
+_Talented Husband_ (_author of various successful comic songs for music
+halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti_). "Oh, for
+goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother me _now_! You might _see_ I'm trying
+to work out some _quite_ new lines for the fairy in the transformation
+scene of the pantomime!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SENSITIVE EAR.
+
+_Intelligent Briton._ "But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the
+name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply
+torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and
+significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"
+
+_Mademoiselle._ "Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite
+English blank verse!"
+
+_Intelligent Briton._ "Of course not. I mean _French_ blank verse--the
+blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Molière!"
+
+_Mademoiselle._ "Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"
+
+    [_Briton still tries to look intelligent._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUMB-CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES
+
+[Illustration: Drew wry lane]
+
+[Illustration: Cove in garden]
+
+[Illustration: Cry-teary 'un]
+
+[Illustration: Prints of whales]
+
+[Illustration: "A--mark it!"]
+
+[Illustration: Gay at tea]
+
+[Illustration: Princesses and royal tea]
+
+[Illustration: Globe]
+
+[Illustration: "Scent, James?"]
+
+[Illustration: Strand and "save, hoi!"]
+
+[Illustration: Only in play!]
+
+[Illustration: The actor who has his head turned with applause]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CURTAIN-RAISERS _ Extract from Ethel's
+correspondence_:--"At the last moment something went wrong with the
+curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector
+explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescue
+_nobly_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Well, how did the new play go off last night?"
+
+"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather
+effective." "_À la Lady Macbeth_, eh?"
+
+"Well--not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and
+walked out!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES
+
+I.--The "Lion Comique"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES
+
+II.--The "Serio"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES
+
+III.--The "Refined Comedian"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON TOUR.--_Heavy Tragedian._ "Do you let apartments
+to--ah--the profession?" _Unsophisticated Landlady._ "Oh, yes, sir. Why,
+last week we had the performing dogs here!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ART AND NATURE. (_Overheard during the Private
+Theatricals._)--
+
+_She._ "How well your wife plays _Lady Geraldine_, Mr. Jones. I think
+the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How
+_does_ she manage it?"
+
+_Mr. Jones_ (_with embarrassment_). "Er--she doesn't. That's her natural
+voice."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONVINCING]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36529-8.txt or 36529-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/5/2/36529/
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/36529-8.zip b/36529-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e1b31c8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-8.zip
diff --git a/36529-h.zip b/36529-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d214aec
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h.zip
diff --git a/36529-h/36529-h.htm b/36529-h/36529-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e6650c1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/36529-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,4140 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Punch At The Play.</title>
+  <style type="text/css">
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+  .smcap               {font-variant: small-caps;}
+  .center              {text-align: center;}
+  hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.medium            {width: 76%;}
+  html>body hr.medium  {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;}
+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+  span.pagenum         {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%;
+                       font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+  .poem
+  .w24 {width: 24em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;}
+  .w26 {width: 26em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;}
+  .w30 {width: 30em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;}
+
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right; width: auto;}
+  .figleft             {float: left; width: auto;}
+
+   .img                {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;}
+   .div                {margin: 0; padding: 0;}
+
+    pre      {font-size: 75%; }
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch at the Play
+       Humours of Music and the Drama
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Charles Keene
+             and others
+
+Release Date: June 27, 2011 [EBook #36529]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Cover" id="Cover">[Cover]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_cover.png">
+<img src="images/i_cover.png" width="100%" alt="title page" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<br />
+
+<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3>
+
+<center>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original
+sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption.
+The page numbering remains unaltered.</center>
+<br />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3><br />
+
+<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></center>
+<br />
+<p>Designed to provide in a series
+of volumes, each complete in itself,
+the cream of our national humour,
+contributed by the masters of
+comic draughtsmanship and the
+leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+from its beginning in 1841 to the
+present day.</p>
+
+<br />
+
+<h1>MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY</h1>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_002.png">
+<img src="images/i_002.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_003.png">
+<img src="images/i_003.png" width="100%" alt="Me mind is made up" /></a>
+<p><i>Actor (on the stage).</i> "Me mind is made up!"</p>
+<p><i>Voice from the Gallery.</i> "What abeaout yer fice?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY</h2>
+
+<h3>HUMOURS OF MUSIC AND THE DRAMA</h3>
+
+<center><i>WITH 140 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></center>
+<br />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/i_004.png">
+<img src="images/i_004.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<br />
+<p>BY CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY,<br />
+GEORGE DU MAURIER, BERNARD PARTRIDGE,<br />
+L. RAVEN-HILL, E. T. REED,<br />
+F. H. TOWNSEND, C. E. BROCK,<br />
+A. S. BOYD, TOM BROWNE,<br />
+EVERARD HOPKINS AND OTHERS</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<center>PUBLISHED BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH THE<br />
+PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"</center>
+
+<h4>THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD</h4>.
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3>
+
+<center><i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated</i>
+
+<br /><br />
+LIFE IN LONDON<br />
+COUNTRY LIFE<br />
+IN THE HIGHLANDS<br />
+SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br />
+IRISH HUMOUR<br />
+COCKNEY HUMOUR<br />
+IN SOCIETY<br />
+AFTER DINNER STORIES<br />
+IN BOHEMIA<br />
+AT THE PLAY<br />
+MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br />
+ON THE CONTINONG<br />
+RAILWAY BOOK<br />
+AT THE SEASIDE<br />
+MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br />
+IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br />
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br />
+WITH ROD AND GUN<br />
+MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br />
+BOOK OF SPORTS<br />
+GOLF STORIES<br />
+IN WIG AND GOWN<br />
+ON THE WARPATH<br />
+BOOK OF LOVE<br />
+WITH THE CHILDREN<br />
+</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_005.png">
+<img src="images/i_005.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_006.png">
+<img src="images/i_006.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch introduces" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h2>BEFORE THE CURTAIN</h2>
+
+<p>Most of the <span class="smcap">Punch</span> artists of note have used their pencils on the
+theatre; with theatricals public and private none has done more than Du
+Maurier. All have made merry over the extravagances of melodrama and
+"problem" plays; the vanity and the mistakes of actors, actresses and
+dramatists; and the blunderings of the average playgoer.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> genially satirises the aristocratic amateurs who, some few
+years ago, made frantic rushes into the profession, and for a while
+enjoyed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> more kudos as actors than they had obtained as titled members
+of the upper circle, and the exaggerated social status that for the time
+accrued to the professional actor as a consequence of this invasion.</p>
+
+<p>The things he has written about the stage, quite apart from all
+reviewing of plays, would more than fill a book of itself; and he has
+slyly and laughingly satirised players, playwrights and public with an
+equal impartiality.</p>
+
+<p>He has got a deal of fun out of the French dramas and the affected
+pleasure taken in them by audiences that did not understand the
+language. He has got even more fun out of the dramatists whose "original
+plays" were largely translated from the French, and to whom Paris was,
+and to some extent is still, literally and figuratively "a playground."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_007.png">
+<img src="images/i_007.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch with mask." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<h2>MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY</h2>
+<br />
+<h2>SOMETHING FOR THE MONEY</h2>
+<br />
+<center>(<i>From the Playgoers' Conversation Book. Coming Edition.</i>)</center>
+<br />
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_008.png">
+<img src="images/i_008.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch shown to his seat." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p>I have only paid three guineas and a half for this stall, but it is
+certainly stuffed with the very best hair.</p>
+
+<p>The people in the ten-and-sixpenny gallery seem fairly pleased with
+their dado.</p>
+
+<p>I did not know the call-boy was at Eton.</p>
+
+<p>The expenses of this house must be enormous, if they always play <i>Box
+and Cox</i> with a rasher of real Canadian bacon.</p>
+
+<p>How nice to know that the musicians, though out of sight under the
+stage, are in evening dress on velvet cushions!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Whoever is the author of this comedy, he has not written up with spirit
+to that delightful Louis the Fifteenth linen cupboard.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot catch a word "Macbeth" is saying, but I can see at a glance
+that his kilt would be extremely cheap at seventy pounds.</p>
+
+<p>I am not surprised to hear that the "Tartar's lips" for the cauldron
+alone add nightly something like fifty-five-and-sixpence to the
+expenses.</p>
+
+<p>Do not bother me about the situation when I am looking at the quality of
+the velvet pile.</p>
+
+<p>Since the introduction of the <i>live</i> hedgehog into domestic drama
+obliged the management to raise the second-tier private boxes to forty
+guineas, the Duchess has gone into the slips with an order.</p>
+
+<p>They had, perhaps, better take away the champagne-bottle and the
+diamond-studded whistle from the prompter.</p>
+
+<p>Ha! here comes the chorus of villagers, provided with real silk
+pocket-handkerchiefs.</p>
+
+<p>It is all this sort of thing that elevates the drama, and makes me so
+contented to part with a ten-pound note for an evening's amusement.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_010.png">
+<img src="images/i_010.png" width="100%" alt="You get yer fortygraphs" /></a>
+<p><i>Pantomime Child (to admiring friend).</i> "Yus, and there's
+another hadvantage in bein' a hactress. You get yer fortygraphs took for
+noffink!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Height of Literary Necessity.</span>&mdash;"Spouting" Shakspeare.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">When</span> are parsons bound in honour not to abuse theatres?<br />
+
+When they take orders.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What Vote the Manager of a Theatre always has</span>.&mdash;The "casting" vote.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Stand not on the Order of your Going.</span>"&mdash;An amiable manager says the
+orders which he issues for the pit and gallery are what in his opinion
+constitute "the lower orders."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Great Theatrical Effect.</span>&mdash;During a performance of <i>Macbeth</i> at the
+Haymarket, the thunder was so natural that it turned sour a pint of beer
+in the prompter's-box.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_012.png">
+<img src="images/i_012.png" width="100%" alt="The Drama" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Drama.</span></h3>
+<p>"'Ere, I say, 'Liza, we've seen this 'ere
+play before!" "No, we ain't." [<i>Wordy argument follows.</i>] "Why, don't
+you remember, same time as Bill took us to the 'Pig an' Whistle,' an' we
+'ad stewed eels for supper?" "Oh lor! Yes, that takes me back to it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_013.png">
+<img src="images/i_013.png" width="100%" alt="TRUE APPRECIATION" /></a>
+<h3>TRUE APPRECIATION</h3>
+<center>(<i>Overheard at the Theatre</i>)</center>
+<p><i>Mrs. Parvenu.</i> "I don't know that I'm exackly <i>gone</i> on Shakspeare
+Plays."</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Mr. P. agrees.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_014.png">
+<img src="images/i_014.png" width="100%" alt="Do you play ping-pong" /></a>
+<p><i>Conversationalist.</i> "Do you play ping-pong?"</p>
+<p><i>Actor.</i> "No. I play <i>Hamlet</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">To Actors who are not worth a Thought.</span>&mdash;We notice that there is a book
+called "Acting and Thinking." This is to distinguish it, we imagine,
+from the generality of acting, in which there is mostly no thinking?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Crusher.</span>&mdash;<i>Country Manager (to Mr. Agrippa Snap, the great London
+critic, who has come down to see the production of a piece on trial.</i>)
+And what do you think, sir, of our theatre and our players?</p>
+
+<p><i>Agrippa Snap (loftily).</i> Well, frankly, Mr. Flatson, your green-room's
+better than your company.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_015.png">
+<img src="images/i_015.png" width="100%" alt="The higher walk" /></a>
+<p>The higher walk of the drama</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_016.png">
+<img src="images/i_016.png" width="100%" alt="can you do that" /></a>
+<p>"Auntie, can <i>you</i> do that?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Theatrical managers are so often accused of being unable to break with
+tradition, that it seems only fair to point out that several of them
+have recently produced plays, in which the character of "Hamlet" does
+not appear at all.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ON A DRAMATIC AUTHOR</h3>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Yes, he's a plagiarist," from Tom this fell,</p>
+<p class="i2">"As to his social faults, sir, one excuses 'em;</p>
+<p class="i0">'Cos he's good natured, takes a joke so well."</p>
+<p class="i2">"True," cries an author, "he takes mine and uses 'em."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE MANAGER'S COMPLAINT</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She danced among the unfinished ways</p>
+<p class="i2">That merge into the Strand,</p>
+<p class="i0">A maid whom none could fail to praise,</p>
+<p class="i2">And very few withstand.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A sylph, accepted for the run,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not at a weekly wage;</p>
+<p class="i0">Fair as a star when only one</p>
+<p class="i2">Is shining on the stage.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She met a lord, and all men know</p>
+<p class="i2">How soon she'd done with me;</p>
+<p class="i0">Now she is in <i>Debrett</i>, oh, and,</p>
+<p class="i2">That's where they all would be!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_018.png">
+<img src="images/i_018.png" width="100%" alt="A First Night" /></a>
+<h3>A First Night.</h3>
+<p><i>Indignant Playwright (to leading actor,
+behind the scenes).</i> "Confound it, man, you've absolutely murdered the
+piece!" <i>Leading Actor.</i> "Pardon me, but I think the foul play is
+yours!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Smart.</i> How do, Smooth? (<i>to theatrical manager, who frowns upon him</i>).
+What's the matter, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smooth.</i> Matter? Hang it, Smart, you wrote me down in "The Stinger."</p>
+
+<p><i>Smart (repressing something Shakspearian about "writing down" which
+occurs to him, continues pleasantly).</i> Wrote you down? No, I said the
+piece was a bad one, because I thought it was; a very bad one.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smooth.</i> Bad! (<i>Sarcastically.</i>) You were the only man who said so.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smart (very pleasantly).</i> My dear fellow, <i>I was the only man who saw
+it.</i> Good-bye.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Box-Office Keeper.</span>&mdash;"So much for booking 'em."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"A considerable demonstration of approval greeted the fall of the
+curtain." How are we to take this?</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_020.png">
+<img src="images/i_020.png" width="100%" alt="" /></a>
+<h3>"The Desire of the Moth for the Star.</h3>"
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> "And you dare to tell me, Belinda, that you have actually answered a <i>theatrical
+advertisement</i>? How <i>could</i> you be such a <i>wicked</i> girl?" <i>Belinda
+(whimpering).</i> "Well, mum,&mdash;<i>other</i> young lidies&mdash;gow on
+the&mdash;stige&mdash;why shouldn't <i>I</i> gow?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_021.png">
+<img src="images/i_021.png" width="100%" alt="Counter-Check Quarrelsome" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Counter-Check Quarrelsome.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mr. Æsopus Delasparre.</i> "I will ask you to favour me, madam, by refraining from laughing at me
+on the stage during my third act." <i>Miss Jones (sweetly).</i> "Oh, but I
+assure you you're mistaken, Mr. Delasparre; I never laugh at you on the
+stage&mdash;I wait till I get home!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_022.png">
+<img src="images/i_022.png" width="100%" alt="Sweeping Assertion" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Sweeping Assertion.</span></h3>
+<p>"The other night, at the Novelty
+Theatre, Mrs. Vere-Jones was gowned simply in a <i>clinging</i> black velvet,
+with a cloak of same handsomely trimmed with ermine."&mdash;<i>Extract from
+Society Journal.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>DRAMATIC NOTES OF THE FUTURE</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[A little cheild is the hero of <i>Everybody's Secret</i>; the curtain
+rises upon four little cheildren in <i>Her Own Way</i>; there are
+cheildren of various ages in <i>Alice-Sit-by-the-fire</i>.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mr. Barrie's new play, <i>The Admirable Crèche</i>, will be presented
+to-morrow. We understand that there is a pretty scene in the third act
+in which several grown-ups are discovered smoking cigars. It may
+confidently be predicted that all the world will rush to the "Duke of
+York's" to see this novelty. <i>The Admirable Crèche</i> will be preceded at
+8.30 by <i>Bassinette&mdash;A Plea for a Numerous Family</i>, a one-act play by
+Theodore Roosevelt and Louis N. Parker.</p>
+
+<p>Little Baby Wilkins is making quite a name with her wonderful rendering
+of "Perdita" in the Haymarket version of <i>A Winter's Tale</i>. As soon as
+actor-manager Wilkins realised the necessity of cutting the last two
+acts (in which "Perdita" is grown up) the play was bound to succeed. By
+the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> way, Mr. E. H. Cooper's new book, "Perditas I have Known," is
+announced.</p>
+
+<p>Frankly, we are disappointed in Mr. Pinero's new play, <i>Little Arthur</i>,
+produced at Wyndham's last week. It treated of the old old theme&mdash;the
+love of the hero for his nurse. To be quite plain, this stale triangle,
+mother&mdash;son&mdash;nurse, is beginning to bore us. Are there no other themes
+in every-day life which Mr. Pinero might take? Could he not, for
+instance, give us an analysis of the mind of a young genius torn between
+the necessity for teething and the desire to edit a great daily? Duty
+calls him both ways: his duty to himself and his duty to the public.
+Imagine a Wilkins in such a scene!</p>
+
+<p>The popular editor of the "Nursery," whose unrivalled knowledge of
+children causes him to be referred to everywhere as our greatest
+playwright, is a little at sea in his latest play, <i>Rattles</i>. In the
+first act he rashly introduces (though by this time he should know his
+own limitations) two grown-ups at lunch&mdash;Mr. Jones the father, and Dr.
+Brown, who discuss Johnny's cough. Now we would point out to Mr. Crouper
+that men of their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> age would be unlikely to have milk for lunch; and
+that they would not say "Yeth, pleath"&mdash;unless of Hebraic origin, and
+Mr. Crouper does not say so anywhere. Mr. Crouper must try and see
+something of grown-ups before he writes a play of this kind again.</p>
+
+<p>We regret to announce that Cecil Tomkins, <i>doyen</i> of actor-managers, is
+down again with mumps.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_024.png">
+<img src="images/i_024.png" width="100%" alt="MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART" /></a>
+<h3>MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART. A MUSICAL COMEDY</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_026.png">
+<img src="images/i_026.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE PREMIÈRE" /></a>
+<h3>AT THE PREMIÈRE</h3>
+<p><i>Lady in Front Row (to her neighbour, towards the end of the second
+act).</i> "Who is this man next me, who's just come in,&mdash;do you know? He
+doesn't seem to be paying the smallest attention to the play!"</p>
+<p><i>Her Neighbour.</i> "Oh, I expect he's a critic. He's probably made up his
+mind long ago what he's going to say of the piece; but he's just dropped
+in to <i>confirm his suspicions</i>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">No First-Nighter.</span>&mdash;<i>First Man in the Street.</i> See the eclipse last
+night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Man in the Street.</i> No. Thought it might be crowded. Put off
+going till next week.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_027.png">
+<img src="images/i_027.png" width="100%" alt="THE BILL OF THE PLAY" /></a>
+<h3>THE BILL OF THE PLAY</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_028.png">
+<img src="images/i_028.png" width="100%" alt="Amenities of the Profession" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Amenities of the Profession.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Rising Young Dramatist.</i> "Saw your wife in front last night. What did she think of my new
+comedy?"</p>
+<p><i>Brother Playwright</i>. "Oh, I think she liked it. She told me she had a
+good laugh."</p>
+<p><i>R. Y. D.</i> "Ah&mdash;er&mdash;when was that?"</p>
+<p><i>B. P.</i> "During the <i>entr'acte</i>. One of the attendants dropped an ice
+down her neighbour's neck."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_029.png">
+<img src="images/i_029.png" width="100%" alt="HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN" /></a>
+<h3>THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN</h3>
+<p><i>Dora</i> (<i>consulting a playbill</i>). "Only fancy! '<i>As You Like It</i>' is by
+Shakspeare!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_030.png">
+<img src="images/i_030.png" width="100%" alt="Private Theatricals" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Private Theatricals.</span></h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">A Rehearsal.</span>&mdash;<i>The Captain.</i> "At
+this stage of the proceedings I've got to kiss you, Lady Grace. Will
+your husband mind, do you think?"</p>
+<p><i>Lady Grace.</i> "Oh no! It's for a <i>charity</i>, you know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_031.png">
+<img src="images/i_031.png" width="100%" alt="An Infant Roscius" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">An Infant Roscius.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Stage Manager</i> (<i>interviewing
+children with the idea of engaging them for a new play</i>). "Has this
+child been on the stage?"</p>
+<p><i>Proud Mother.</i> "No; but he's been on an inquest, and he speaks up
+fine!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_032.png">
+<img src="images/i_032.png" width="100%" alt="A Soliloquy" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Soliloquy.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Tragedian.</i> "Cheap. Ha, ha! Why in my time
+they <i>threw</i> them at us!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_033.png">
+<img src="images/i_033.png" width="100%" alt="did you enjoy the play" /></a>
+<p>"Well, papa, how did you enjoy the play to-night?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I think I enjoyed it fairly well, my dear. I've got a general sort
+of idea that I didn't go to sleep over it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_034.png">
+<img src="images/i_034.png" width="100%" alt=" what a pity" /></a>
+<p><i>Enthusiastic Lady Amateur.</i> "Oh, what a pity! We've just
+missed the first act!"</p>
+<p><i>Languid Friend.</i> "Have we? Ah&mdash;rather glad. I always think the chief
+pleasure of going to a theatre is trying to make out what the first act
+was about!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Theatrical.</span>&mdash;When it is announced that an actor will be supported by the
+<i>entire</i> company, it is not thereby meant that the said professional is
+sustained in his arduous part solely by draughts of Barclay, Perkins and
+Co.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>The wretch who refuses to take his wife to the theatre deserves to be
+made to sit out a play.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Good "Piece" of Furniture for Theatrical Managers.</span>&mdash;A chest of
+"drawers."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Regeneration of the British Drama.</span>&mdash;There are at this moment three
+English managers in Paris "in search of novelty!" More: three
+distinguished members of the Dramatic Authors' Society started for
+France last night.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">As Good as a Play.</span>"&mdash;Performing a funeral.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Plant in Season.</span>&mdash;Now is the time of year when managers of theatres
+show a botanical taste, for there is not one of them who does not do his
+best to have a great rush at his doors.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Dramatic Author's Playground.</span>&mdash;Paris.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Theatrical Note.</span>&mdash;<i>Net</i> profits are generally the result of a good
+"<i>cast</i>."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_036.png">
+<img src="images/i_036.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_037.png">
+<img src="images/i_037.png" width="100%" alt="first Quart O" /></a>
+<h3>"Shakspeare and the first Quart O"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_038.png">
+<img src="images/i_038.png" width="100%" alt="last Quart O" /></a>
+<h3>"Shakspeare and the last Quart O"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Dubious Compliment.</span>.&mdash;<i>Rector's Wife</i> (<i>after harvest festival</i>).
+Well, Mrs. Piggleswade, how did you like the Bishop's sermon?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Piggleswade.</i> Oh! ma'am, I ain't been so much upset since my old
+man took me to the wariety theayter in London last August twelve-month,
+and 'eard a gen'leman sing about his grandmother's cat.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>There was a poor actor on the Norwich circuit who squinted most
+dreadfully: he was put up on one occasion for "Lear." "We must succeed,"
+said the manager, "for there never was a <i>Lear</i> with so strong a
+<i>cast</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Richmond Dinner.</span>&mdash;A shouting actor who performs the part.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>BY DEPUTY</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">As Shakspeare could not write his plays</p>
+<p class="i2">(If Mrs. Gallup's not mistaken),</p>
+<p class="i0">I think how wise in many ways</p>
+<p class="i2">He was to have them done by Bacon;</p>
+<p class="i0">They might have mouldered on the shelf,</p>
+<p class="i2">Mere minor dramas (and he knew it!)</p>
+<p class="i0">If he had written them himself</p>
+<p class="i2">Instead of letting Bacon do it.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And if it's true, as Brown and Smith</p>
+<p class="i2">In many learned tomes have stated,</p>
+<p class="i0">That Homer was an idle myth,</p>
+<p class="i2">He ought to be congratulated;</p>
+<p class="i0">Since, thus evading birth, he rose</p>
+<p class="i2">For men to worship from a distance:</p>
+<p class="i0">He might have penned inferior prose</p>
+<p class="i2">Had he achieved a real existence.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To him and Shakspeare some agree</p>
+<p class="i2">In making very nice allusions,</p>
+<p class="i0">But no one thinks of praising me,</p>
+<p class="i2">For I composed my own effusions:</p>
+<p class="i0">As others wrote their works divine,</p>
+<p class="i2">And they immortal thus to day are,</p>
+<p class="i0">If someone else had written mine</p>
+<p class="i2">I might have been as great as they are!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_040.png">
+<img src="images/i_040.png" width="100%" alt="Famous Lion Comique" /></a>
+<p><i>Famous Lion Comique</i> (<i>to his agent, who is not much of
+a cigar smoker</i>). "What did you think of that cigar as I give you the
+other day?"</p>
+<p><i>Agent.</i> "Well, the first night I liked it well enough. But the second
+night I didn't like it so well. And the third I didn't like it at all!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Numerous</span> applications were received by the manager of Covent Garden from
+"professionals" wishing to take part in <i>The Forty Thieves</i>. It was not
+found possible to offer engagements to the following (amongst others):&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Thief</i>&mdash;who stole a march.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Thief</i>&mdash;in the candle.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Thief</i>&mdash;who was set to catch a thief.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Thief</i>&mdash;who stole the "purse" and found it "trash."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Thief</i>&mdash;who stole up-stairs.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Thief</i>&mdash;of time, <i>alias</i> procrastination, and&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Thief</i>&mdash;who stole a kiss (overwhelming number of applicants).</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<center>THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA</center>
+
+<p><i>Berthelda.</i>&mdash;Sanguino, you have killed your <i>mother</i>!!!</p>
+
+<p><i>Fruitwoman.</i>&mdash;Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!</p>
+
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;(<i>Curtain falls.</i>)<br />
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="cartoons"><tr><td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_042a.png">
+<img src="images/i_042a.png" width="100%" alt="The Music-hall." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_042b.png">
+<img src="images/i_042b.png" width="100%" alt="Screaming Farcical Comedy." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center"><h3>The Music-hall</h3></td>
+<td align="center"><h3>Screaming Farcical Comedy.</h3></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_042c.png">
+<img src="images/i_042c.png" width="100%" alt="Melodrama at the Surrey." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_042d.png">
+<img src="images/i_042d.png" width="100%" alt="A pathetic Comedy-Drama." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center"><h3>A Melodrama at the<br /> "Surrey".</h3>
+</td>
+<td align="center"><h3>A pathetic "Comedy-Drama."</h3>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_043a.png">
+<img src="images/i_043a.png" width="100%" alt="Another." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_043b.png">
+<img src="images/i_043b.png" width="100%" alt="The Opera." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center"><h3>Another.</h3>
+</td>
+<td align="center"><h3>The Opera.</h3>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_043c.png">
+<img src="images/i_043c.png" width="100%" alt="A patriotic Drama." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_043d.png">
+<img src="images/i_043d.png" width="100%" alt="And." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center"><h3>A patriotic Drama at the<br />"National Theatre".</h3>
+</td>
+<td align="center"><h3>And</h3>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="cartoons">
+<tr><td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_044a.png">
+<img src="images/i_044a.png" width="100%" alt="Three acts." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_044b.png">
+<img src="images/i_044b.png" width="100%" alt="of Henrik Ibsen." /></a>
+</div>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td align="center"><h3>Three acts</h3>
+</td>
+<td align="center"><h3>of Henrik Ibsen.</h3>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_044c.png">
+<img src="images/i_044c.png" width="100%" alt="The deplorable issue" /></a>
+</div>
+<h3>The deplorable issue.</h3>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Bishops," said the Rev. Mr. Phillips to the Playgoers' Club, "are not
+really so stiff and starchy as they are made out to be. There is a good
+heart beneath the gaiters." Calf-love, we presume.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Different Views.</span>&mdash;Bishops complain of a dearth of candidates for orders.
+Managers of theatres think differently.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Leg-itimate Successes</span>.&mdash;Modern extravaganzas.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Theatrical.</span>&mdash;The only people who never suffer in the long run&mdash;managers
+of theatres.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Standing Orders.</span>"&mdash;Free admissions who can't get seats.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_046.png">
+<img src="images/i_046.png" width="100%" alt="MOST MUSICAL" /></a>
+<h3>"MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY"</h3>
+<p><i>Husband</i> (<i>after the Adagio, to musical wife</i>). "My dear, are we going
+to stay to the 'bitter end'?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_047.png">
+<img src="images/i_047.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC OF THE FUTURE" /></a>
+<h3>MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. SENSATION OPERA.</h3>
+<p><i>Manager</i> (<i>to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly</i>). "My dear fellow, I've
+brought you the score of the new opera. We've arranged <i>such</i> a scena
+for you in the third act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the
+keelhauling scene, you know! Heavy rolling sea, eh?&mdash;Yes, and we can
+have some real spray pumped on to you from the fire-engine! Volumes of
+smoke from the funnel, close behind your head&mdash;in fact, you'll be
+enveloped as you rush on to the bridge! And then you'll sing that lovely
+barcarolle through the speaking-trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the
+ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At a Problem Play.</span>&mdash;<i>Mr. Dinkershein</i> (<i>eminent critic</i>). How did you
+enjoy the piece, Miss MacGuider?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss MacGuider.</i> Well, to tell the truth, I didn't know what it was all
+about.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Dinkershein.</i> Excellent. The author gives us so much to think of.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Question and Answer.</span>&mdash;"Why don't I write plays?" Why should I?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Not exactly a Theatrical Manager's Guiding Motto.</span>&mdash;"Piece at any price."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Our Shakspearian Society.</span>&mdash;In the course of a discussion, Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;
+observed, that she was positive that Shakspeare was a butcher by trade,
+because an old uncle of hers had bought <i>lambs' tails from Shakspeare</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"<span class="smcap">Sound Dues.</span>"&mdash;Fees to opera box-keepers.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Copyright and Copywrong.</span>&mdash;The dramatist who dramatises his neighbour's
+novel against his will, is less a playwright than a plagiary.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_049.png">
+<img src="images/i_049.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch cartoon." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_050.png">
+<img src="images/i_050.png" width="100%" alt="Much ado about Nothing" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Cross Old Thing!</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Wife.</i> "I'm going into town now,
+dear. Shall I book places for <i>Caste</i> or <i>Much ado about Nothing</i>?"
+<i>Husband.</i> "Oh, please yourself, my dear; but I should say we've enough
+'Ado about Nothing' at home!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_051.png">
+<img src="images/i_051.png" width="100%" alt="Our Theatricals" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Theatricals.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Brown (rehearsing his part as the
+"Vicomte de Cherisac").</i> "Yas, Marie! I've fondly loved ye. (<i>Sobs
+dramatically.</i>) 'Tis well&mdash;but no mat-tar-r!" <i>Housemaid (to cook,
+outside the door).</i> "Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't master a givin' it to
+missis!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_052.png">
+<img src="images/i_052.png" width="100%" alt="Technical" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Technical.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Player</i> ("<i>Juvenile Lead</i>"). Play
+Scene&mdash;Hamlet. (<i>Deferentially</i>). "What do you think of it?" <i>Second
+Player</i> ("<i>First Heavy</i>"). "How precious well them 'supers' are painted,
+ain't they?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_053.png">
+<img src="images/i_053.png" width="100%" alt="Double Disappointment" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Double Disappointment.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Stern Hostess (who is giving
+private theatricals).</i> "You are very late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've
+begun long ago!" <i>Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that
+particular form of entertainment).</i> "What! You don't mean to say they're
+at it still!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_054.png">
+<img src="images/i_054.png" width="100%" alt="Modest Appeal" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Modest Appeal.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Lady (to big drum).</i> "Pray, my good man,
+don't make that horrid noise! I can't hear myself speak!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>A MODERN REHEARSAL</h2>
+
+<p><i>Leading Lady (to Stage Manager).</i> Who's that man in the ulster coat
+talking to the call-boy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Stage Manager.</i> Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I
+was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the
+dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for
+his cackle. Ah! here he is.</p>
+
+<p><i>Splitter.</i> Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the
+boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage
+would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stage Man.</i> Of course I will. Capital idea. (<i>Marks prompt-book.</i>) I
+wonder who that chap is in the wing?</p>
+
+<p><i>Splitter.</i> Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo,
+Wobbler, brought your new song?</p>
+
+<p><i>Wobbler.</i> Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital
+wheezes.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Splitter.</i> No poaching, old chap.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wobbler.</i> Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning,
+Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Skid (brightly).</i> I'm always "perfect." But&mdash;(<i>seriously</i>)&mdash;I had
+to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The
+Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss!</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations.</i></span><br />
+
+<p><i>Stage Man.</i> Places, ladies and gentlemen.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Footlyte.</i> Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I
+have completely rewritten the second act, and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Stranger in the Ulster.</i> But, sir, I beg of you to remember&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. F.</i> Who is that man?</p>
+
+<p><i>Everybody.</i> We don't know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. F. (advancing).</i> Who are you, sir, who dare to trespass on my
+premises?</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. in the U.</i> Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. F.</i> No, sir, I do not. What's your business?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>The S. in the U. (nervously).</i> I am the author of the piece.</p>
+
+<p><i>Everybody.</i> Ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. F.</i> Then you're not wanted here. (<i>To stage manager.</i>) Jenkins,
+clear the stage.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain.</i></span><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Meant as a Compliment.</span>&mdash;<i>Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after
+production of his new comedy).</i> And what did you think of my little
+piece the other night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Lagushe.</i> I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I
+thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for <i>you</i>!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NEO-DRAMATIC NURSERY RHYME</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Mrs. Grundy, good woman, scarce knew what to think</p>
+<p class="i0">About the relation 'twixt drama and drink.</p>
+<p class="i0">Well, give hall&mdash;and theatre&mdash;good wholesome diet,</p>
+<p class="i0">And all who attend will be sober and quiet!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_056.png">
+<img src="images/i_056.png" width="100%" alt="Son of Ducal House" /></a>
+<p><i>Younger Son of Ducal House.</i> "Mother, allow me to
+introduce to you&mdash;my wife."</p>
+<p><i>His Wife (late of the Frivolity Theatre).</i> "How do, Duchess? I'm the
+latest thing in mésalliances!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>HINTS TO AMATEUR PLAYWRIGHTS.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Of the Essence of Drama.</i>&mdash;It is not strictly necessary that you should
+know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that
+whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk,
+and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice,
+or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it
+is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.</p>
+
+<p><i>Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing.</i>&mdash;Owing to the competition
+nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as
+practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely
+farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to
+that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into
+poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show
+that it <i>is</i> poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act
+III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> elope with the heroine
+(already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and
+wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high
+spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand,
+will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious
+people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a
+number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your
+audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young
+ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits
+of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually
+accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage
+carpenter will attend to these.</p>
+
+<p><i>Of Humour.</i>&mdash;Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your
+characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however,
+that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will
+be surpassed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind
+a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a
+stage-direction.</p>
+
+<p><i>Of Dialogue.</i>&mdash;Speeches of more than half a page,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> though useful for
+clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of
+repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect,
+no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes
+in recitation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Of the Censorship.</i>&mdash;This need not be feared unless you are unduly
+serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where
+the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in
+problems.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for the Stage-Worshippers.</span>&mdash;"Mummer's the word!"</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_061.png">
+<img src="images/i_061.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_062.png">
+<img src="images/i_062.png" width="100%" alt="HER OPINION" /></a>
+<h3>QUITE OF HER OPINION</h3>
+<p><i>Gushing Young Woman (to famous actor).</i> "Oh, do you know, Mr.
+Starleigh, I'm simply <i>mad</i> to go on the stage!" <i>Famous Actor.</i> "Yes, I
+should think you <i>would</i> be, my dear young lady!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE DECLINE OF THE DRAMA</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Mundungus deems the drama is declining,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet fain would swell the crowded playwright ranks.</p>
+<p class="i0">The secret of his pessimist opining,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is&mdash;all <i>his</i> dramas <i>are</i> declined&mdash;with thanks!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic Art</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">'Tis the voice of the prompter,</p>
+<p class="i2">I hear him quite plain;</p>
+<p class="i0">He has prompted me twice,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let him prompt me again.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_063.png">
+<img src="images/i_063.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch cartoon" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_064a.png">
+<img src="images/i_064a.png" width="100%" alt="suggestion" /></a>
+<p>A suggestion to the refreshment departments of our
+theatres, much simpler than the old method of struggling by, and would
+prevent the men going out between the acts.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_064b.png">
+<img src="images/i_064b.png" width="100%" alt="The authors" /></a>
+<p>First night of musical comedy. The authors called before
+the curtain.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_064c.png">
+<img src="images/i_064c.png" width="100%" alt="plenty of time" /></a>
+<p><i>Jones (arriving in the middle of the overture to
+"Tristan und Isolde"&mdash;quite audibly).</i> "Well, thank goodness we're in
+<i>plenty of time!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_065.png">
+<img src="images/i_065.png" width="100%" alt="Crinoline era" /></a>
+<h3>IN THE STALLS</h3>
+<center>Time past&mdash;Crinoline era</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Appropriate Shakspearian Motto for A Firm of Advertising
+Agents.</span>&mdash;"Posters of the sea and land."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Quid pro Quo.</span>&mdash;<i>Actor-Manager (to Dramatic Author).</i> What I want is a
+one-part piece.</p>
+<p><i>Dramatic Author.</i> That's very easily arranged. You be number one, and
+"part" to me.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_066.png">
+<img src="images/i_066.png" width="100%" alt="Fan development" /></a>
+<h3>IN THE STALLS</h3>
+<center>Time present&mdash;Fan development</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Araminta.</i> Why, dearest, do you call those witticisms, which the
+comedians deliver with such ready humour, "gags"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Corydon (the playwright).</i> Because they always stifle the author.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Smiles no more during the evening.</i></span><br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Mummer's Bête-noire.</span>--"<i>Benefits</i> forgot."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_067.png">
+<img src="images/i_067.png" width="100%" alt="marry an actress" /></a>
+<h3>MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES</h3>
+<p><i>Sangazur, Senior.</i> "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about
+your wanting to marry an actress?"</p>
+<p><i>Sangazur, Junior.</i> "It's quite true, sir. But&mdash;er&mdash;you can have no
+conception how <i>very poorly</i> she acts!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_068.png">
+<img src="images/i_068.png" width="100%" alt="A Studied Insult" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Studied Insult.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial
+Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse
+Show).</i> "Box or two stalls, sir?" <i>Murphy.</i> "What the dev'l d'ye mane?
+D'ye take me an' the missus for a pair o' proize 'osses? Oi'll have two
+sates in the dhress circle, and let 'em be as dhressy as possible,
+moind!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_069.png">
+<img src="images/i_069.png" width="100%" alt="Sleeping Beauty" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">The Sleeping Beauty.</span>"</h3>
+<p>"Nervous? oh dear no! I only
+acted <i>once</i> in private theatricals, Mr. Jones, and, although it was an
+important part, I had nothing to say!" "Really? What <i>was</i> the part?"
+"<i>Can't you guess?</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_070.png">
+<img src="images/i_070.png" width="100%" alt="Collaborateurs" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Collaborateurs.</span></h3>
+<p>Jennings and Bellamy, the famous
+dramatists, planning one of those thrilling plays of plot and passion,
+in which (as everybody knows) Jennings provides the inimitable broad
+humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is
+the shorter of the two.)</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>From the Common-place Book of a Novelist</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on
+the stage.</p>
+
+<p>Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than
+actor-managers.</p>
+
+<p>Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place&mdash;except in
+novels.</p>
+
+<p>Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only
+three years to compose a novel?</p>
+
+<p>Because critics who send articles to magazines inviting one to
+contribute to the stage, have no right to dictate to us.</p>
+
+<p>Because a fairly successful novel means five hundred pounds, and a
+fairly successful play yields as many thousands&mdash;why be influenced by
+mercenary motives?</p>
+
+<p>Because all novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no
+time left for outside labour.</p>
+
+<p>And last, and (perhaps) not least, Why don't I send in a play? Because I
+<i>have</i> tried to write <i>one</i>, and find I can't quite manage it!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_072.png">
+<img src="images/i_072.png" width="100%" alt="Her First Play" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Her First Play.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a
+great treat, to a morning performance).</i> "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!"</p>
+<p><i>Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage).</i>
+"But, mummy,&mdash;<i>they're</i> talking!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> When are the affairs of a theatre likely to assume a somewhat fishy
+aspect? <i>A.</i> When there's a sole lessee.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><i>Evangeline.</i> Why is this called the dress circle, mamma?<br />
+
+<i>Mamma.</i> Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Form of Equestrian Drama.</span>&mdash;Horseplay.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_073.png">
+<img src="images/i_073.png" width="100%" alt="Mellow drammer" /></a>
+<h3>Mellow drammer</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_074.png">
+<img src="images/i_074.png" width="100%" alt="First Night" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">First Night of an Unappreciated Melodrama.</span></h3>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Are we
+alone?" <i>Voice from the Gallery.</i> "No, guv'nor; but you will be
+to-morrow night."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_075.png">
+<img src="images/i_075.png" width="100%" alt="THE COMMISSARIAT" /></a>
+<h3>THE COMMISSARIAT</h3>
+<p><i>Our Bandmaster (to purveyor of refreshments).</i> "We must hev beef
+sangwitches, marm! Them ham ones make the men's lips that greasy, they
+can't blow!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_076.png">
+<img src="images/i_076.png" width="100%" alt="NOTE AND QUERY" /></a>
+<h3>A NOTE AND QUERY</h3>
+<p><i>Wife (given to literature and the drama).</i> "George, what is the meaning
+of the expression, 'Go to!' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the
+old dramatists?"</p>
+<p><i>Husband (not a reading man).</i> "'Don't know, I'm sure, dear, unless&mdash;&mdash;
+Well,&mdash;p'raps he was going to say&mdash;&mdash; but thought it wouldn't sound
+proper!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_077.png">
+<img src="images/i_077.png" width="100%" alt="MR. PUNCH&#39;S OPERA BOX" /></a>
+<h3>MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_078.png">
+<img src="images/i_078.png" width="100%" alt="SIC VOS NON VOBIS" /></a>
+<h3>SIC VOS NON VOBIS DRAMATISATIS, WRITERS!</h3>
+<p><i>Wife of his Bosom (just home from the play).</i> "And then that <i>darling</i>
+Walter Lisson, looking like a Greek god, drew his stiletto, and
+delivered, oh! <i>such</i> an exquisite soliloquy over her tomb&mdash;all in blank
+verse&mdash;like heavenly music on the organ!"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Why, he's got a voice like a raven, and can no more deliver blank
+verse than he can fly."</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Ah, well&mdash;it was very beautiful, all the same&mdash;all about love
+and death, you know!"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Who wrote the piece, then?"</p>
+<p><i>She.</i> "Who wrote the piece? Oh&mdash;er&mdash;well&mdash;his name's sure to be on the
+bill somewhere&mdash;at least I <i>suppose</i> it is!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">From our General Theatrical Fund.</span>&mdash;Why would a good-natured dramatic
+critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes
+to pieces easily.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MEM. BY A MANAGER</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To say "boo" to a goose requires some doing.</p>
+<p class="i0">In theatres 'tis the goose who does the "booing,"</p>
+<p class="i0">And though a man may do the best he can, sir,</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Anser</i> will hiss, though hissing may not answer!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i8">"A <span class="smcap">Poor</span> player,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who struts and frets his hour on the stage,</p>
+<p class="i0">And then&mdash;goes in society."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_079.png">
+<img src="images/i_079.png" width="100%" alt="A solo on the horn" /></a>
+<h3>A solo on the horn</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_080.png">
+<img src="images/i_080.png" width="100%" alt="After the Performance" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">After the Performance.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Rupert the Reckless (Tompkins, a
+distinguished amateur from town).</i> "Now, I call it a beastly shame,
+Jenkins; you haven't ordered that brute of yours off my togs, and you
+know I can't go back to the inn like <i>this</i>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_081.png">
+<img src="images/i_081.png" width="100%" alt="SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH&#39;S PANTOMIME" /></a>
+<h3>SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME.<br /> Scene I.&mdash;The Tragic
+Mews</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_082.png">
+<img src="images/i_082.png" width="100%" alt="The Comic Mews" /></a>
+<h3>SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME.<br /> Scene II.&mdash;The Comic
+Mews</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_083.png">
+<img src="images/i_083.png" width="100%" alt="Ambiguous" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Ambiguous.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Actress.</i> "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so
+chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to
+say I can't act." <i>Second Ditto.</i> "Surely a certificate isn't necessary,
+dear?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_084.png">
+<img src="images/i_084.png" width="100%" alt="It&#39;s my turn next" /></a>
+<p><i>Tenor (at amateur concert).</i> "It's my turn next, and I'm
+so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me,
+Miss Brown?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_085.png">
+<img src="images/i_085.png" width="100%" alt="a very unpleasant piece" /></a>
+<p><i>Mrs. Smith.</i> "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you
+think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of
+elevating the stage." <i>Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse
+of the stage all the afternoon).</i> "Well&mdash;er&mdash;it would come to much the
+same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_086.png">
+<img src="images/i_086.png" width="100%" alt="Our Theatricals" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Our Theatricals.</span></h3>
+<p><i>The Countess.</i> "Will this cruel war
+<i>never</i> end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to
+catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return.
+But, hark! what is that I hear?"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Stage direction.&mdash;"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't
+rehearsed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the
+local cornet-player who helped us on the night.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_087.png">
+<img src="images/i_087.png" width="100%" alt="a private performance" /></a>
+<p>Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has
+a private performance of his own in the nursery.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_088.png">
+<img src="images/i_088.png" width="100%" alt="he urges on his wild career" /></a>
+<h3><i>Mazeppa.</i> "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_089.png">
+<img src="images/i_089.png" width="100%" alt="Distinguished Amateurs" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Distinguished Amateurs. The Actor.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Billy Wapshot.</i> "I say, look here,
+you know! They've cast me for the part of <i>Sir Guy Earliswoodde</i>, an
+awful ass that everyone keeps laughing at! How the dickens am I to act
+such a beastly part as that?&mdash;and how am I to dress for it, I
+should like to know?" <i>Brown (stage manager).</i> "My dear fellow, dress
+<i>just as you are!</i>&mdash;and as for acting, <i>be as natural as you
+possibly can!</i> It will be an immense success!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_089.png">
+<img src="images/i_090.png" width="100%" alt="The Jeune Premier" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Distinguished Amateurs. The Jeune Premier.</span></h3>
+<p>"<i>What</i>, Eleanor? You know <i>Sir Lionel Wildrake</i>, the handsomest,
+wittiest, most dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no
+woman has ever been known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But
+hush! He comes&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake</i>.</span><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center>There is a blessing on peacemakers&mdash;is there one on playwrights?</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Home of the British Drama.</span>&mdash;A French crib.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Court Theatre Ticket.</span>&mdash;The order of the garter available only at
+Windsor as an order for the stalls.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">New Name for a Theatre where the Actors are more or less
+Unintelligible.</span>&mdash;"The Mumbles."</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_091.png">
+<img src="images/i_091.png" width="100%" alt="Music by handle" /></a>
+<h3>Music by handle.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_092.png">
+<img src="images/i_092.png" width="100%" alt="SWING OF THE PENDULUM" /></a>
+<h3>THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM</h3>
+<p>"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a
+suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I&mdash;a&mdash;<i>think</i> I may
+flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my
+social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!"</p>
+<p>"I admit that to be the case just <i>at present</i>&mdash;but the social position
+of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day <i>may</i> come when even the
+leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a <i>Bishop</i>,
+let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of
+the&mdash;a&mdash;House of Beaumanoir!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_093.png">
+<img src="images/i_093.png" width="100%" alt="Turning a Phrase" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Turning a Phrase.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Dramatic Author.</i> "What the deuce do
+you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's
+shameful!" <i>Dramatic Critic.</i> "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old
+man&mdash;you'll see how pleased I was, <i>if you'll only read between the
+lines!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_094.png">
+<img src="images/i_094.png" width="100%" alt="A Booth in the Wild West" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;
+<i>A Booth in the Wild West</i></h3>
+<p><i>The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the
+Pacific."</i></p>
+<p><i>Author.</i> "What is the audience shouting for?"</p>
+<p><i>Manager.</i> "They're calling for the author."</p>
+<p><i>Author.</i> "Then hadn't I better appear?"</p>
+<p><i>Manager.</i> "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_095.png">
+<img src="images/i_095.png" width="100%" alt="Men Were Deceivers Ever" /></a>
+<h3>"Men Were Deceivers Ever"</h3>
+<p><i>First Counter Tenor.</i> "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at
+our entrance."</p>
+<p><i>Second Counter Tenor.</i> "Oh, then, let's go out at the <i>bass</i> door!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_096.png">
+<img src="images/i_096.png" width="100%" alt="The Commentators" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Commentators.</span></h3>
+<p><i>First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy).</i>
+"I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've
+made a discovery&mdash;that <i>Horatio</i> was <i>Hamlet's</i> father!" <i>Second
+Quidnunc (enchanted).</i> "You don't say so!" <i>First Quidnunc.</i> "My dear
+sir, doesn't <i>Hamlet</i>, when he handles <i>Yorick's</i> skull, address
+<i>Horatio</i>, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_097.png">
+<img src="images/i_097.png" width="100%" alt=" Disenchantment" /></a>
+<h3>A Disenchantment</h3>
+<p><i>Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country).</i>
+"<i>Dear</i> me! He's a <i>very</i> different-looking person from what I had
+always imagined!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_098.png">
+<img src="images/i_098.png" width="100%" alt="better take off your hat" /></a>
+<h3>"JUST HINT A FAULT"<br />
+<i>Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera</i></h3>
+<p><i>Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate).</i> "Tom, dear, don't you
+think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people
+behind, you know?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER</h2>
+
+<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who gets, by hook or crook, from me</p>
+<p class="i0">Admittance free, though well knows he</p>
+<p class="i0">That myriads turned away will be?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who, while he for his programme pays</p>
+<p class="i0">The smallest silver coin, inveighs</p>
+<p class="i0">Against such fraud with eyes ablaze?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who to his neighbour spins harangues,</p>
+<p class="i0">On how he views with grievous pangs</p>
+<p class="i0">The dust that on our hangings hangs?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who, in a voice which rings afar,</p>
+<p class="i0">Declares, while standing at the bar,</p>
+<p class="i0">Our drinks most deleterious are?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers</p>
+<p class="i0">That others give? Who jeers and sneers</p>
+<p class="i0">At all he sees and all he hears?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who loudly, as the drama's plot</p>
+<p class="i0">Unfolds, declares the tale a lot</p>
+<p class="i0">Of balderdash and tommy-rot?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who dubs the actors boorish hinds?</p>
+<p class="i0">Who fault with all the scenery finds?</p>
+<p class="i0">Who with disgust his molars grinds?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who spreads dissatisfaction wide</p>
+<p class="i0">'Mongst those who else with all they spied</p>
+<p class="i0">Had been extremely satisfied?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who runs us down for many a day,</p>
+<p class="i0">And keeps no end of folks away</p>
+<p class="i0">That else would for admittance pay?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who keeps his reputation still,</p>
+<p class="i0">For recompensing good with ill</p>
+<p class="i0">With more than pandemonium's skill?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom</p>
+<p class="i0">In all its blackness o'er me loom?</p>
+<p class="i0">Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb?</p>
+<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_100.png">
+<img src="images/i_100.png" width="100%" alt="Ibsen in Brixton" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Ibsen in Brixton.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Harris.</i> "Yes, William, I've
+thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and
+dickey-bird, and so I'm going!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_101.png">
+<img src="images/i_101.png" width="100%" alt="A five bar rest" /></a>
+<h3>A five bar rest</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_102.png">
+<img src="images/i_102.png" width="100%" alt="They egged me on" /></a>
+<p><i>Seedy Provincial Actor.</i> "Young man, I hear that you
+propose to essay the <i>rôle</i> of the melancholy Dane. What induced you to
+do it?" <i>Prosperous London ditto.</i> "Oh, I don't know. They egged me on
+to it." <i>Seedy Provincial Actor.</i> "H'm. They egged <i>me OFF</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME</h3>
+
+<center>(<i>By an Intelligent Schoolboy</i>)</center>
+
+<p>That demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on their
+visiting lists the most beautiful of the fairies.</p>
+
+<p>That the attendants upon the demons (presumably their victims) spend
+much of their time in break-downs.</p>
+
+<p>That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a
+distressingly long time.</p>
+
+<p>That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their
+tongues, than clothes to their backs.</p>
+
+<p>That the fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering they
+dance so much in the sunlight.</p>
+
+<p>That the tight and scanty costume of the fairies is most insufficient
+protection from the showers that must be required to produce the
+gigantic and highly-coloured fairy <i>flora</i>.</p>
+
+<p>That the chief fairy (to judge from her allusions to current events)
+must take in the daily papers.</p>
+
+<p>That harlequin is always shaking his bat, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> nothing seems to come of
+it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or, in
+short, what he's at altogether.</p>
+
+<p>That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see
+why they don't catch her.</p>
+
+<p>That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be
+exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown.</p>
+
+<p>That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts,
+butter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the
+whole is lucky to escape hanging.</p>
+
+<p>That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked
+head-over-heels.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_104.png">
+<img src="images/i_104.png" width="100%" alt="THE NEW PLAY" /></a>
+<h3>THE NEW PLAY</h3>
+<p><i>Low Comedian.</i> "Have you seen the notice?"</p>
+<p><i>Tragedian.</i> "No; is it a good one?"</p>
+<p><i>Low Comedian.</i> "It's a fortnight's."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_105.png">
+<img src="images/i_105.png" width="100%" alt="obligato accompaniment" /></a>
+<h3>A quick movement with an obligato accompaniment.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_106.png">
+<img src="images/i_106.png" width="100%" alt="TERRIFIC SITUATION" /></a>
+<h3>TERRIFIC SITUATION!</h3>
+<p>Heroine of domestic drama pursued by the unprincipled villain is about
+to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>APPRECIATIVE!</h3>
+<p><i>The eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs. Mugby, of the village laundry).</i>
+I'm delighted that you were able to come to our schoolroom performance
+of <i>Scenes from Shakspeare</i>.</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Mugby.</i> Oh, so was I, mum. That there "'Amblet"&mdash;and the grand
+lady, mum&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly).</i> You mean "Hamlet" and his
+mother&mdash;the vicar and myself. You enjoyed it?</p>
+<p><i>Mrs. Mugby.</i> Oh, we did, mum! We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh for
+many a long day.</p>
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Exit</i> Miss B., <i>thinking that Shakspeare is perhaps somewhat thrown</i></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>away on this yokality</i>.</span><br /></p>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Book of the Play</span> (<i>as managers like it</i>).&mdash;"All places taken for the
+next fortnight."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>When actors complain that all they require is "parts," they generally
+tell the exact truth.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_108.png">
+<img src="images/i_108.png" width="100%" alt="SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME" /></a>
+<h3>SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME</h3>
+<p>"Where got'st thou that goose?&mdash;look!"<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 8em;">(<i>Macbeth</i>, Act V., Sc. 3.)</span><br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_109.png">
+<img src="images/i_109.png" width="100%" alt="Disenchantment" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">A Disenchantment.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Grandpapa.</i> "<i>What</i>? Bob in love with
+Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" <i>Bob (firing up).</i>
+"Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had
+better not be said in my presence, that's all!" <i>Grandpapa.</i> "<i>I</i> say a
+word <i>against</i> her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over
+ears in love with her <i>myself</i>&mdash;<i>when I was your age!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_110.png">
+<img src="images/i_110.png" width="100%" alt="The Problem Play" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Problem Play.</span></h3>
+<p><i>New Woman (with the hat).</i> "No! <i>My</i>
+principle is simply <i>this</i>&mdash;if there's a <i>demand</i> for these plays, it
+must be <i>supplied</i>!" <i>Woman not New (with the bonnet).</i> "Precisely! Just
+as with the bull-fights in Spain!"</p>
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Scores</i></span><br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_111.png">
+<img src="images/i_111.png" width="100%" alt="CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES" /></a>
+<h3>CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES&mdash;THE BLAMELESS
+BALLET</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;["<i>Mr. Chamberlain has expressed himself in sympathy with the scheme of
+the Rev. Forbes Phillips for running theatres in connection with the
+churches in country villages.</i>"]</p>
+<p>There would, our artist imagines, be no difficulty in obtaining willing
+coryphées among the pew-openers and philanthropic spinsters of the
+various parishes.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_112.png">
+<img src="images/i_112.png" width="100%" alt="the washing-room of the Minerva Club" /></a>
+<p><i>Mr. M'Chrustie (in the washing-room of the Minerva
+Club).</i> "Look here, waiter, what's the meaning of this? These brushes
+are as beastly grimy as if they'd been blacking boots&mdash;&mdash;!" <i>Waiter.</i>
+"Yes, sir: it's them members from the 'Junior Theshpian,' sir&mdash;as are
+'ere now, sir. They do dye theirselves to that degree&mdash;&mdash;!"</p>
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Mr. M'C. rushes off and writes furiously to the Committee!</i></span><br /></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><i>Q.</i> What were the "palmy" days of the drama?<br />
+<i>A.</i> When they were first-rate hands at acting.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Motto for all Dramatic Performers.</span>&mdash;"Act well your part."</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Band-Box.</span>&mdash;An orchestra.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>"What an awful voice that man's got!" said the manager, who was
+listening to the throaty tenor.<br />
+"Call that a voice," said his friend; "it's a disease!"</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">A Private Box.</span>&mdash;A sentry box.</center>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_114.png">
+<img src="images/i_114.png" width="100%" alt="You can&#39;t sit there" /></a>
+<p>"You can't sit there, mum. These here seats are
+reserved."</p>
+<p>"You don't seem to be aware that I'm one of the directors' wives!"</p>
+<p>"And if you was his <i>only</i> wife, mum, I couldn't let you sit here."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<p>During the dull season a certain manager has issued such a number of his
+autographs in order to ensure the proper filling of his house that he
+has in playfulness conferred on it the nickname of the ordertorium.</p>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">What Managers, Actresses, and Spectators all Want.</span>&mdash;A good dressing.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">Christmas Music for Theatres.</span>&mdash;The "waits" between the acts.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>What we want for the British drama generally is not so much native
+talent as imagi-native talent.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">At the Music Halls.</span>&mdash;The birds that fly by night&mdash;the acro-bats.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_116.png">
+<img src="images/i_116.png" width="100%" alt="Confrères" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Confrères.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Master Jacky (who took part in some school
+theatricals last term,&mdash;suddenly, to eminent tragedian who has come to
+call).</i> "I say, you know&mdash;I act!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_117.png">
+<img src="images/i_117.png" width="100%" alt="PROP OF THE DRAMA" /></a>
+<h3>A PROP OF THE DRAMA</h3>
+<p>"What, back already, Archie! Was it a dull piece, then?"</p>
+<p>"Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and
+didn't see a soul I knew!&mdash;so I came away."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/i_118.png">
+<img src="images/i_118.png" width="100%" alt="I remember your acting" /></a>
+<h3>SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER <i>NOT</i> TO
+STICK TO HIS LAST</h3>
+<p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I remember your acting '<i>Sir Anthony</i>,' <i>years</i> ago,
+when I was a girl, Sir Charles! You did it splendidly!"</p>
+<p><i>The Great Mathematician.</i> "Ah, would you believe it, that bit of acting
+brought me more compliments than anything I ever did?"</p>
+<p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I should <i>think</i> so, indeed!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+<br />
+<center><span class="smcap">The Company that frequently fills a Theatre better than a Dramatic
+one.</span>&mdash;The Stationers' Company.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>The managers of Drury Lane, Gaiety, Alhambra and Empire Theatres ought
+<i>ex-officio</i> to be members of the Worshipful Guild of Spectacle-makers.</center>
+<br />
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_119.png">
+<img src="images/i_119.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch with string instrument" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_120.png">
+<img src="images/i_120.png" width="100%" alt="Walking Lady" /></a>
+<p>"<i>Walking Lady</i>" (<i>late for rehearsal</i>). "Oh, I'm so
+sorry to be late! I <i>do</i> hope you haven't all been waiting for me?"</p>
+<p><i>Stage Manager</i> (<i>icily</i>). "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the
+gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_121.png">
+<img src="images/i_121.png" width="100%" alt="An Unkind Cut" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">An Unkind Cut.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Amateur.</i> "It was very kind of you to
+come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my
+<i>Hamlet</i>? Pretty good?" <i>Professional</i> (<i>feigning ecstasy</i>). "Oh, my
+dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,&mdash;really I assure you, good's not the
+word!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_122.png">
+<img src="images/i_122.png" width="100%" alt="have you seen the great tragedian" /></a>
+<p><i>First Critic.</i> "Well, have you seen the great tragedian
+in <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>?"</p>
+<p><i>Second ditto.</i> "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my
+ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_123.png">
+<img src="images/i_123.png" width="100%" alt="Ears off in front" /></a>
+<h3>A CROWDED HOUSE</h3>
+<p><i>Angry Voice</i> (<i>from a back seat</i>). "Ears off in front there, please!"]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_124.png">
+<img src="images/i_124.png" width="100%" alt="THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA" /></a>
+<h3>THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA</h3>
+<p><i>The Marquis</i> (<i>in the play</i>). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a
+gen'leman?"</p>
+<p><i>Lord Adolphus</i> (<i>spendthrift heir</i>). "You 'ave!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_125.png">
+<img src="images/i_125.png" width="100%" alt="A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT" /></a>
+<h3>A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_126.png">
+<img src="images/i_126.png" width="100%" alt="STARTLING EFFECTS" /></a>
+<h3>"STARTLING EFFECTS!"</h3>
+<p><i>Peep-Showman.</i> "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin'
+along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights
+means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>with his eye to the aperture</i>). "But what's the yaller
+light, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Peep-Showman</i> (<i>slow and impressive</i>). "There ain't no yaller
+light&mdash;but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and
+the red lights si'nif&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>persistently</i>). "But wha's the other light, sir?"</p>
+<p><i>Peep-Showman</i> (<i>losing patience</i>). "Tell yer there ain't no"&mdash;&mdash; (<i>takes
+a look&mdash;in consternation</i>)&mdash;"Blowed if the darned old show ain't
+a-fire!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3>EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It
+has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of
+nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."&mdash;<i>The
+Outlook.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Nowhere in particular.</i><br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">Characters.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">He</span>, <i>a nonentity</i>.<br />
+
+<span class="smcap">She</span>, <i>another</i>.</center>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Dear&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>wearily</i>). Oh please don't.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Does nothing.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Why, what's the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Nothing.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>He does nothing.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow.
+(<i>Yawns.</i>) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know
+why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I
+love you&mdash;will you marry me?</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>very wearily</i>). Oh, I suppose so.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Thanks very much. (<i>Kisses her.</i>) There!</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>with sudden excitement</i>). Supposing I had said "No," would
+you have shot yourself?&mdash;would you have gone to the front?&mdash;would
+your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting
+have happened?</p>
+
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>with a great determination in his eyes</i>). Had you spurned my
+love&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Yes, yes?</p>
+
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>with emotion</i>).&mdash;I should have&mdash;I should have&mdash;done nothing.</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Does it.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> Oh!</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing
+of that sort had happened it would have been <i>off</i> the stage. I
+hope I know my place.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>She does nothing.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>He</i> (<i>politely</i>). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here?
+If not, we might&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>She.</i> We must wait till somebody else comes on.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i> True. (<i>Reflects deeply.</i>) Er&mdash;do you mote much?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_128.png">
+<img src="images/i_128.png" width="100%" alt="HOW HE OUGHT NOT TO LOOK" /></a>
+<h3>HOW HE OUGHT <i>NOT</i> TO LOOK</h3>
+<p><i>Excited Prompter</i> (<i>to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is
+working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume</i>).
+"Now then, Walker, <i>LOOK ALIVE</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_130.png">
+<img src="images/i_130.png" width="100%" alt="PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE" /></a>
+<h3>PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.&mdash;"MACBETH"</h3>
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">"Infirm of purpose!</p>
+<p class="i0">Give me the daggers."&mdash;<i>Act II. Sc. 2.</i></p>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_131.png">
+<img src="images/i_131.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC-HALL INANITIES" /></a>
+<h3>MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.&mdash;I.</h3>
+<center><i>Miss Birdie Vandeleur ("Society's Pet"&mdash;vide her advertisements
+passim) bawls the refrain of her latest song</i>:&mdash;</center>
+<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Ow, I am sow orferly <i>shy</i>, boys!</p>
+<p class="i0">I am, and I kennot tell wy, boys!</p>
+<p class="i2">Some dy, wen I'm owlder,</p>
+<p class="i2">Per'aps I'll git bowlder,</p>
+<p class="i0">But naow I am orfer-ly shy!"</p>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.&mdash;II. The Illustrative Method.</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_132a.png">
+<img src="images/i_132a.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC-HALL INANITIES" /></a>
+<center><span class="caption">"'E's not a <i>tall</i> man&mdash;Nor a <i>short</i> man&mdash;But he's just the man for me."</span></center>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_132b.png">
+<img src="images/i_132b.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC-HALL INANITIES" /></a>
+<center><span class="caption">"Not in the army&mdash;Nor the nivy&mdash;But the royal artill-er-ee!"</span></center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>ATTENTION AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">(<i>As performed at many London Theatres</i>)</span><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Interior of a Private Box.</i></span><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Time</span>&mdash;<i>Towards the end of the First Act of an established success.</i></span><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Present</span>&mdash;<i>A party of Four.</i></span><br />
+
+<p><i>No. 1</i> (<i>gazing through opera glasses</i>). A good house. Do you know
+anyone?</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 2.</i> Not a soul. Stay&mdash;aren't those the Fitzsnooks?</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 3</i> (<i>also using a magnifier</i>). You mean the woman in the red
+feather at the end of the third row of the stalls?</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 4.</i> You have spotted them. They have got Bobby Tenterfore with
+them. You know, the Johnnie in the F. O.</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 1.</i> I thought Mr. Tenterfore was at Vienna.</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 4.</i> No; he <i>was</i> going, but they sent another chap. Brought
+him back from somewhere in the tropics.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>No. 3.</i> Then what is Mr. Tenterfore doing in town?</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 4.</i> Oh! come home on leave. Lots of that sort of thing at the
+F. O.</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 1</i> (<i>having grown weary of looking at the audience</i>). By the
+way, <i>à propos de bottes</i>, I have some money to invest. Can you
+suggest anything?</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 3.</i> They say that Diddlers Deferred will turn up trumps.</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 1.</i> What do you mean by that? I only want to pop in and out
+between the accounts.</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 3.</i> Then the Diddlers ought to suit you. They rose six last
+week, and ought to touch ten before settling day.</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 1.</i> Then I am on. Thanks very much for the information. Ah!
+the curtain has fallen. So much for the first act! (<i>Enter
+visitor.</i>) Ah! how are you? Where are you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Visitor.</i> Well, I have got a stall, but I have only just come into
+the house. What are they playing?</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 2.</i> I am sure I don't know; but if you are curious about it,
+here's the programme.</p>
+
+<p><i>Visitor.</i> And what's it all about?</p>
+
+<p><i>No. 1</i> (<i>on behalf of self and companions</i>). We haven't the
+faintest notion.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Conversation becomes general, and remains so until the end of the
+evening, regardless of the dialogue on the stage side of the
+curtain.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_134.png">
+<img src="images/i_134.png" width="100%" alt="Melodrama in the Suburbs" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Melodrama in the Suburbs.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Elder Sister.</i> "Do give up,
+Nellie! They're only acting." <i>Nellie</i> (<i>tearfully</i>). "You leave me
+alone. I'm enjoying it!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_136.png">
+<img src="images/i_136.png" width="100%" alt="Ruling Passion" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Ruling Passion.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Doctor.</i> "No, my dear sir, we must
+keep ourselves quiet for the present. No stimulants&mdash;nothing more
+exciting than gruel. Gruel for breakfast, gruel for luncheon, gruel for
+dinner, gruel for&mdash;&mdash;" <i>Peter Pundoleful</i> (<i>a noted burlesque
+writer&mdash;though you wouldn't have thought it to look at him&mdash;rousing
+himself suddenly</i>). "Ah! my dear doctor, why is there not a society for
+the prevention of gruelty to animals?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Ralph Essendean</span>, <i>aged about fifty, is discovered at a
+writing-desk. He studies a newspaper, from which he reads aloud,
+thoughtfully:&mdash;"So that a successful play may bring its author
+anything from five to twenty thousand pounds." He lays down the
+paper, mutters, "H'm!" and taking up a pencil bites it
+meditatively. Enter Mrs. Essendean.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Essendean</i> (<i>crossing to Ralph, and placing her hand on his
+shoulder, asks affectionately</i>). Well, dear, and how is the play getting
+on?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>irritably</i>). You talk of the play, Matilda, as though it were
+possible to write a four-act drama in ten minutes. The play is not
+getting on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> at all well, for the simple reason that I am only just
+thinking out the idea.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Essendean</i> (<i>seating herself by the table</i>). How nice, dear! And
+what <i>is</i> the idea?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>grimly</i>). That is just what I am wondering about. Now if you
+will kindly retire to the kitchen and make an omelette, or discharge the
+cook, I shall be obliged.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Leans over his desk.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. E.</i> But, dear, I am sure the cook is a most excellent servant,
+and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>turning round and speaking with repressed exasperation</i>). That
+was simply my attempt at a humorous explanation of my wish to be alone,
+Matilda.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>smiling indulgently and rising</i>). Well, dear, of course if
+it's going to be a <i>funny</i> play, I know you would like to be alone.
+(<i>Pausing at the open door.</i>) And will you read it to us after dinner?
+You know the Willoughby-Smythes will be here, and Mr. and Mrs. Vallance
+from the Bank are coming in afterwards. I am sure they would like to
+hear it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>irritably</i>). The play isn't written yet. (<i>Plaintively.</i>) <i>Do</i>
+go!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>sweetly</i>). I'm sure you'd like to be alone. Don't keep
+dinner waiting.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Beams on him affectionately and exits. Ralph gives a sigh of
+relief, rumples his hair, and then writes for a few minutes. Then
+pauses, leans back, biting his pencil, when the door is flung open,
+and a very good imitation of a whirlwind bursts into the room. The
+whirlwind is a robust person of forty, he has a large round red
+face fringed with sandy whiskers, and is one mass of health and
+happiness. He wears Norfolk jacket, knickerbockers, gaiters and
+thick boots, and carries a golfing bag. He slaps Ralph heartily on
+the back, and laughs boisterously. Ralph collapses.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Tom</i> (<i>heartily</i>). How are you? Going strong&mdash;what? Asked the wife for
+you, and she told me you were in here writing a play. Rippin' idea&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>worried, but striving to be pleasant and polite</i>). What do you
+want, old chap?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom</i> (<i>cheerfully</i>). Nothin' particular, only just to see how you were
+gettin' on&mdash;what? Do you good to have half an hour out, just a few
+holes&mdash;golf&mdash;what?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>with great self-restraint</i>). Thanks, old man. Not now. You
+don't mind my asking you to leave me to myself a bit?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom</i> (<i>amiably rising and picking up his bag</i>). All right, old chap,
+you know best&mdash;what? Thought I'd just look in&mdash;hey?&mdash;what? Well, I'm
+off. (<i>Goes to door, thinks for a moment, and then turns round.</i>) I say,
+I know Thingummy's acting manager. If I can put in a word about your
+play&mdash;hey?&mdash;what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>rises hurriedly. Shakes hands with Tom, and skilfully
+man&oelig;uvres him into the passage, then calls after him</i>). Good-bye, old
+man, and many thanks. (<i>Closes the door and returns to his desk,
+grinding his teeth.</i>) Confound him! (<i>Takes up paper and writes a few
+lines, then reads aloud.</i>) "Puffington puts the letter in his pocket and
+passes his hand through his hair. He groans 'O, why did I ever write
+those letters? I know Flossie, and this means fifty pounds at least, and
+if ever my mother-in-law gets to hear of it! O lor, here she is'" (<i>Puts
+down the paper and looks up at the ceiling.</i>) Now, speaking to myself as
+one man to another, I can't help thinking that this sort of thing has
+been done before. I seem to have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> heard it somewhere. I'll&mdash;I'll&mdash;try a
+fresh start. (<i>Writes hurriedly for a few minutes and then reads.</i>)
+"Scene.&mdash;Fashionable watering place, the beach is crowded; on the pier
+the band is playing a dreamy waltz. Edwin and Maud are discovered in an
+open boat. <i>Edwin.</i> You must be tired of rowing, sweetest; come and
+steer. <i>Maud.</i> Just as you like, darling. (<i>As they change seats the
+boat capsizes. After clinging for twenty minutes to the upturned keel,
+they are rescued by a passing steamer.</i>)" That's all right for a
+"situation," but there seems a lack of dialogue. They can't very well
+talk while they are clinging to the boat; and what the deuce could they
+be talking about before? If I let them drown I shall have to introduce
+fresh characters. Bother! (<i>Meditates with frowning brow.</i>) Playwriting
+appears to present more difficulties than I thought. (<i>Takes up a
+newspaper.</i>) "May bring in anything from five to twenty thousand
+pounds!" Sounds tempting, but I wonder how it's done?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Takes a cigar from the mantelpiece, lights it, and, seating
+himself near the fire, smokes thoughtfully. Gradually his head
+sinks back on to the top of the chair, the cigar drops from his
+relaxed fingers, and as he sleeps, the shadow of a smile breaks
+across his face. An hour elapses; he is still sleeping. Enter Mrs.
+Essendean, who brushes against the writing-table and sweeps the
+sheets of manuscript to the ground.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Essendean</i> (<i>crossing to Ralph and lightly shaking him</i>). My dear,
+my dear, not dressed yet! Do you know the time&mdash;just the half-hour.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Ralph starts up.</i>) Eh? (<i>Looks at the clock.</i>) Nearly half past, by
+Jove! I shan't be two seconds.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Rushes hastily from the room.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Essendean (picks up the extinguished cigar, and drops it daintily
+into the fire. Looks round the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> room and sees the littering
+manuscript.</i>) What an untidy old thing it is! (<i>Picks up the sheets,
+crumples them into a ball and throws them into the waste-paper basket.</i>)
+There, that looks better. </p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Gazes into the mirror, pats her hair, and
+exit.</i></p>
+
+<center>(<i>End of the play.</i>)</center>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_138.png">
+<img src="images/i_138.png" width="100%" alt="Paradoxical" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Paradoxical.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Ethel.</i> "It was a most wonderful
+performance, Aunt Tabitha! First, she was shot out of a cannon's mouth
+on to a trapeze fifteen yards above the orchestra, and then she swung
+herself up till she stood on a rope on one leg at least a hundred and
+twenty feet above our heads!" <i>Aunt Tabitha.</i> "Ah! I always think a
+woman <i>lowers</i> herself when she does that!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_140.png">
+<img src="images/i_140.png" width="100%" alt="FORM" /></a>
+<h3>FORM</h3>
+<p><i>First Masher.</i> "Let's stop and look at Punch and Judy, old chappie!
+I've heard it's as good as a play."</p>
+<p><i>Second Masher.</i> "I dessay it is, my brave boy. But we ain't dressed,
+you know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_142.png">
+<img src="images/i_142.png" width="100%" alt="PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS" /></a>
+<h3>PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS</h3>
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>Mr. Foote Lyter's back Drawing-room. Private Theatricals. Dress
+Rehearsal.</i></p>
+<p><i>Mr. Foote Lyter.</i> "I say, Drawle, while the Duke is having his scene
+with Dora, where am <i>I</i> to stand!" <i>Captain Drawle</i> (<i>amateur stage
+manager</i>). "Well&mdash;er&mdash;my dear fellow&mdash;er&mdash;er&mdash;it's your own house, you
+know&mdash;<i>you can stand where you like</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_144.png">
+<img src="images/i_144.png" width="100%" alt="Point of View" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Point of View.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Exasperated Old Gentleman</i> (<i>to lady
+in front of him</i>). "Excuse me, madam, but my seat has cost me ten
+shillings, and I want to see. Your hat&mdash;&mdash;" <i>The Lady.</i> "My hat has cost
+me ten <i>guineas</i>, sir, and I want it to <i>be seen</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_146.png">
+<img src="images/i_146.png" width="100%" alt="the Melancholy Dane" /></a>
+<p>Tomkins, who has recently made his appearance <i>en
+amateur</i> as the Melancholy Dane, goes to have his photograph taken "in
+character." Unfortunately, on reaching the corner of the street, he
+finds <i>the road is up</i>, and he has to walk to the door! Tableau!!</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/i_147.png">
+<img src="images/i_147.png" width="100%" alt="much over-rated man" /></a>
+<p><i>Clever Juvenile</i> (<i>loq.</i>). "Shakspeare? Pooh! For my
+part I consider Shakspeare a very much over-rated man."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_148.png">
+<img src="images/i_148.png" width="100%" alt="These are fairies" /></a>
+<h3>THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME</h3>
+<p><i>Astonished Friend.</i> "Why!&mdash;Why! What on earth are these?"</p>
+<p><i>Manager.</i> "These? Oh! These are <i>fairies</i>!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_149.png">
+<img src="images/i_149.png" width="100%" alt="MR. PUNCH&#39;S HAT" /></a>
+<h3>MR. PUNCH'S PATENT MATINEE HAT.</h3>
+<p>Fitted with binocular glasses for the benefit of those sitting behind
+its wearer.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_150.png">
+<img src="images/i_150.png" width="100%" alt="Heard at a Provincial Circus" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Heard at a Provincial Circus.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Wag</i> (<i>to unfortunate
+small gent, who has vainly endeavoured to persuade lady to remove her
+hat</i>). "Don't you see she's got a bird in her hat, sitting? You wouldn't
+have the lady addle-headed, would you?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_151.png">
+<img src="images/i_151.png" width="100%" alt="The Amateurs" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Amateurs.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Suburban Roscius.</i> "Ah, I saw you were at
+our 'theatricals' the other night. How did you like my assumption of
+<i>Hamlet</i>?" <i>Candid Friend.</i> "My dear f'llar&mdash;great'st piece of
+assumption I ever saw i' m' life!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_152.png">
+<img src="images/i_152.png" width="100%" alt="CAUSE AND EFFECT" /></a>
+<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3>
+<p><i>Eminent Provincial Tragedian.</i> "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr
+tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!"</p>
+<p><i>Sweet One.</i> "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, 'cause I was so
+sleepy!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_153.png">
+<img src="images/i_153.png" width="100%" alt="EXCLUSIVE" /></a>
+<h3>"EXCLUSIVE"</h3>
+<p><i>Our Philanthropist</i> (<i>who often takes the shilling gallery</i>&mdash;<i>to his
+neighbour</i>). "Only a middling house."</p>
+<p><i>Unwashed Artisan.</i> "Ay&mdash;that sixpence extry, 'rather heavy for the
+likes o' huz, y'know. But there's one thing&mdash;it keeps out the
+riff-raff!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_154.png">
+<img src="images/i_154.png" width="100%" alt="The Drama" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Drama.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Æsthetic Critic</i> (<i>at the club, after the
+theatre</i>). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the
+<i>dénoûment</i> in <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>? Two lovers, both dying in the same
+vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Cynical Old Bachelor</i> (<i>who has evidently never read the play</i>).
+"Um&mdash;'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_155.png">
+<img src="images/i_155.png" width="100%" alt="They applaud anything" /></a>
+<p><i>Distinguished Amateur</i> (<i>about to make his first
+appearance in public at a concert for the people</i>). "Oh, I <i>do</i> feel so
+nervous!" <i>Sympathetic Friend.</i> "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous,
+my dear fellow. They applaud <i>anything</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_156.png">
+<img src="images/i_156.png" width="100%" alt="Maiden&#39;s Point of View" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">The Maiden's Point of View.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mamma</i> (<i>to Maud, who has
+been with her brother to the play, and is full of it</i>). "But was there
+no <i>love</i> in the piece, then?" <i>Maud.</i> "<i>Love?</i> Oh dear no, mamma. The
+principal characters were <i>husband and wife</i>, you know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_157.png">
+<img src="images/i_157.png" width="100%" alt="COMEDIE FRANÇAISE" /></a>
+<h3>A COMEDIE FRANÇAISE</h3>
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>who understands French so well, although he does not speak
+it</i>), <i>reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety</i>:&mdash;"'Le
+Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gender <i>should</i> the man be, I should
+like to know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_158.png">
+<img src="images/i_158.png" width="100%" alt="Those Who Live in Glass Houses" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Those Who Live in Glass Houses</span>," <span class="smcap">Etc.</span></h3>
+<p><i>The Bishop.</i> "I
+hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a
+wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't
+it?"</p>
+<p><i>Lady Godiva.</i> "Yes&mdash;a&mdash;but I dislike those bare-backed performances.
+They're so risky, you know!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_159.png">
+<img src="images/i_159.png" width="100%" alt="cold audience" /></a>
+<h3>A very cold audience.</h3>
+<center>(Suggestion for the stalls in mid-winter)</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_160.png">
+<img src="images/i_160.png" width="100%" alt="NO COMPRENNY" /></a>
+<h3>A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY"</h3>
+<p>"Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at
+ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!"</p>
+<p>"A&mdash;no&mdash;I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy,
+refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French
+plays!"</p>
+<p>"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Français, alors?"</p>
+<p>"A&mdash;I beg your pardon?"</p>
+<p>"Je vous demande si vous savez le Français, parbleu! Cruche, Melon,
+Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Crétin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous êtes?"</p>
+<p>"A&mdash;quite so! No doubt! A&mdash;by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill
+forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown,
+Jones, and Robinson.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. Yes;
+I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too soon
+after dinner for anything stronger.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst for
+what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the
+Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, and
+really after that capital <i>équivoque</i> one feels quite satisfied. (<i>They
+are served by the bar attendant.</i>) That was really very funny, where he
+hides behind the door when she is not looking.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Laughs at the recollection.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes the
+canary-cage!</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Chuckles.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the curtain will be
+up directly. Rather clever, I am told. The <i>Rose of Rouen</i>&mdash;it is
+founded on the life of <i>Joan of Arc</i>. I am rather fond of these
+historical studies.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> So am I. They are very interesting.</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I prefer
+melodrama. Judging from the title, <i>The Gory Hand</i> should be uncommonly
+good.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the Refreshment
+Room.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (<i>To bar
+attendant.</i>) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and
+for these gentlemen too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. However,
+wants a clear head to understand it. (<i>Sips his soda-water.</i>) I don't
+see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to marry the
+Englishman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Ah, but that was before the vision.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> If you think it over
+carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you must allow
+for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding circumstances.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Are you going to stay for <i>The Gory Hand</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough
+of it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong
+scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different
+from the other plays.</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson.</i> Well, I don't mind horrors&mdash;in fact, like them. There goes
+the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta!</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Exit Robinson.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot
+understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the
+curtain.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Yes&mdash;but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see
+by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially
+at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the
+assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> No&mdash;it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the
+merit of being short. (<i>Applause.</i>) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how
+Robinson likes it. That <i>tableau</i> at the end, of the
+starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful!
+(<i>Enter Robinson, staggering in.</i>) Why, my boy, what's the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it
+all to-rights!</p>
+
+<p><i>Robinson</i> (<i>with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror</i>).
+Help, help! help! (<i>After a long shudder.</i>) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for
+Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like <i>The Bells</i>,
+you require supporting.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Curtain and moral.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_162.png">
+<img src="images/i_162.png" width="100%" alt="the smallest giant" /></a>
+<p><i>Manager of "Freak" Show.</i> "Have I got a vacancy for a
+giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"</p>
+<p><i>Candidate.</i> "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_164.png">
+<img src="images/i_164.png" width="100%" alt="Irresistible Appeal" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">An Irresistible Appeal.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Mrs. Blokey</i> (<i>who has called with a letter of introduction on Mr.
+Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor and manager</i>). "And I've brought you
+my son, who's breakin' his mother's 'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on
+givin' up the city and goin' on the stage&mdash;and his father an
+alderman and 'im in his father's business, and all the family thought of
+so 'ighly in Clapham! It's a <i>great grief</i> to us, <i>I assure</i> you, Mr.
+Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But it's too late for that,
+I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin' him a leadin' part in
+your next piece!"</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_166.png">
+<img src="images/i_166.png" width="100%" alt="a nasty one for Shakspeare" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">What our Dramatist has to put up with.</span></h3>
+<p><i>His Wife</i> (<i>reading a Sunday paper</i>). "<i>A propos of Hamlet</i>, they say
+here that you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the
+dramatic art!"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_168.png">
+<img src="images/i_168.png" width="100%" alt="OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE" /></a>
+<h3>OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE</h3>
+<p>"Yah! Waitin' ter see der <i>kids</i> play!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_169.png">
+<img src="images/i_169.png" width="100%" alt="two long years" /></a>
+<p><i>Actor</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). "For <i>two</i> long <i>years</i> have
+I&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>A Voice from above.</i> "So you 'ave, guv'nor!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_170.png">
+<img src="images/i_170.png" width="100%" alt="STUDY" /></a>
+<h3>STUDY</h3>
+<p>Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_171.png">
+<img src="images/i_171.png" width="100%" alt="COLOURED CLERGY" /></a>
+<h3>COLOURED CLERGY</h3>
+<p>(<i>A Memory of St. James's Hall</i>)</p>
+<p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing</i>).
+"Who do you say they are, my dear!&mdash;Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind
+of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no
+doubt, my dear!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_172.png">
+<img src="images/i_172.png" width="100%" alt="SUPEREROGATION" /></a>
+<h3>SUPEREROGATION</h3>
+<p><i>Country Maid</i> (<i>having first seen "missus" and the children into a
+cab</i>). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane
+Theat&mdash;&mdash;?"</p>
+<p><i>Crabbed Old Cabby</i> (<i>with expression of ineffable contempt</i>). "Do I
+know! Kim aup&mdash;&mdash;!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_173.png">
+<img src="images/i_173.png" width="100%" alt="Lesh avanother" /></a>
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>alluding to the song</i>). "Not bad; but I think
+the girl might have put a little more <i>spirit</i> into it with advantage."</p>
+<p><i>Lushington.</i> "Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_174.png">
+<img src="images/i_174.png" width="100%" alt="After the Theatricals" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">After the Theatricals.</span></h3>
+<p>"What on earth made you tell that
+appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient
+Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you
+know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_175.png">
+<img src="images/i_175.png" width="100%" alt="What&#39;s a stall at the hopera" /></a>
+<p>"Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?"</p>
+<p>"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells
+the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_176.png">
+<img src="images/i_176.png" width="100%" alt="give us your ticket" /></a>
+<p>"Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in again."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_177.png">
+<img src="images/i_177.png" width="100%" alt="DOMESTIC DRAMA" /></a>
+<h3>A DOMESTIC DRAMA</h3>
+<center>"Admit two to the boxes."</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_178.png">
+<img src="images/i_178.png" width="100%" alt="PROGRESS" /></a>
+<h3>PROGRESS</h3>
+<p><i>Young Rustic.</i> "Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"</p>
+<p><i>Senior</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday
+skewl, and don't know that!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>"HAMLET" A LA SAUCE DUMB-CRAMBO</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_179a.png">
+<img src="images/i_179a.png" width="100%" alt="flesh would melt" /></a>
+<h3>"Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt!"&mdash;Act I.,
+Sc. 2.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_179b.png">
+<img src="images/i_179b.png" width="100%" alt="a tail unfold" /></a>
+<h3>"I could a tail unfold!"&mdash;<i>Ibid.</i></h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_179c.png">
+<img src="images/i_179c.png" width="100%" alt="What a falling off was there" /></a>
+<h3>"What a falling off was there!"&mdash;<i>Ibid.</i></h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_179d.png">
+<img src="images/i_179d.png" width="100%" alt="I scent the morning hair" /></a>
+<h3>"Methinks I scent the morning hair!"&mdash;<i>Ibid.</i></h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_179e.png">
+<img src="images/i_179e.png" width="100%" alt="Brief let me be" /></a>
+<h3>"Brief let me be!"&mdash;<i>Ibid.</i></h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_179f.png">
+<img src="images/i_179f.png" width="100%" alt="Lend thy serious ear-ring" /></a>
+<h3>"Lend thy serious ear-ring to what I shall unfold!"&mdash;Act
+I., Sc. 5.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_180a.png">
+<img src="images/i_180a.png" width="100%" alt="Toby, or not Toby" /></a>
+<h3>"Toby, or not Toby? that is the question."&mdash;Act II., Sc. 2.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_180b.png">
+<img src="images/i_180b.png" width="100%" alt="The King, sir" /></a>
+<h3>"The King, sir."&mdash;"Ay, sir, what of him?"&mdash;"Is in his
+retirement marvellous distempered."&mdash;"With drink, sir!"&mdash;"No, my lord,
+rather with collar!"&mdash;Act III., Sc. 2.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_180.png">
+<img src="images/i_180.png" width="100%" alt="my offence is rank" /></a>
+<h3>"Oh, my offence is rank!"&mdash;Act III., Sc. 3.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_180c.png">
+<img src="images/i_180c.png" width="100%" alt="tis for the head" /></a>
+<h3>"Put your bonnet to his right use&mdash;'tis for the head."&mdash;Act V., Sc. 2.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/i_181.png">
+<img src="images/i_181.png" width="100%" alt="Coming Events" /></a>
+<h3>"<span class="smcap">Coming Events cast their Shadows before
+them.</span>"</h3>
+<p><i>Domesticated Wife.</i> "Oh, George, I wish you'd just&mdash;&mdash;"
+<i>Talented Husband</i> (<i>author of various successful comic songs for music
+halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti</i>). "Oh, for
+goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother me <i>now</i>! You might <i>see</i> I'm trying
+to work out some <i>quite</i> new lines for the fairy in the transformation
+scene of the pantomime!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_182.png">
+<img src="images/i_182.png" width="100%" alt="A SENSITIVE EAR" /></a>
+<h3>A SENSITIVE EAR.</h3>
+<p><i>Intelligent Briton.</i> "But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the
+name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply
+torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and
+significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"</p>
+<p><i>Mademoiselle.</i> "Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite
+English blank verse!"</p>
+<p><i>Intelligent Briton.</i> "Of course not. I mean <i>French</i> blank verse&mdash;the
+blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Molière!"</p>
+<p><i>Mademoiselle.</i> "Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"</p>
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;[<i>Briton still tries to look intelligent.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>DUMB-CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_183a.png">
+<img src="images/i_183a.png" width="100%" alt="Drew wry lane" /></a>
+<h3>Drew wry lane</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_183b.png">
+<img src="images/i_183b.png" width="100%" alt="Cove in garden" /></a>
+<h3>Cove in garden</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_183c.png">
+<img src="images/i_183c.png" width="100%" alt="Cry-teary 'un" /></a>
+<h3>Cry-teary 'un</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_183d.png">
+<img src="images/i_183d.png" width="100%" alt="Prints of whales" /></a>
+<h3>Prints of whales</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_183e.png">
+<img src="images/i_183e.png" width="100%" alt="A&mdash;mark it!" /></a>
+<h3>"A&mdash;mark it!"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_183f.png">
+<img src="images/i_183f.png" width="100%" alt="Gay at tea" /></a>
+<h3>Gay at tea</h3>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_184a.png">
+<img src="images/i_184a.png" width="100%" alt="Princesses and royal tea" /></a>
+<h3>Princesses and royal tea</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_184b.png">
+<img src="images/i_184b.png" width="100%" alt="Globe" /></a>
+<h3>Globe</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_184c.png">
+<img src="images/i_184c.png" width="100%" alt="Scent, James?" /></a>
+<h3>"Scent, James?"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_184d.png">
+<img src="images/i_184d.png" width="100%" alt="Strand and save, hoi!" /></a>
+<h3>Strand and "save, hoi!"</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/i_184e.png">
+<img src="images/i_184e.png" width="100%" alt="Only in play!" /></a>
+<h3>Only in play!</h3>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_184f.png">
+<img src="images/i_184f.png" width="100%" alt="The actor who has his head turned" /></a>
+<h3>The actor who has his head turned with applause</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/i_185.png">
+<img src="images/i_185.png" width="100%" alt="CURTAIN-RAISERS" /></a>
+<h3>CURTAIN-RAISERS</h3>
+<p><i> Extract from Ethel's
+correspondence</i>:&mdash;"At the last moment something went wrong with the
+curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector
+explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescue
+<i>nobly</i>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_186.png">
+<img src="images/i_186.png" width="100%" alt="there was a sleep-walking scene" /></a>
+<p>"Well, how did the new play go off last night?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather
+effective." "<i>À la Lady Macbeth</i>, eh?"</p>
+<p>"Well&mdash;not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and
+walked out!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_187.png">
+<img src="images/i_187.png" width="100%" alt="Lion Comique" /></a>
+<h3>MUSIC HALL TYPES</h3>
+<center>I.&mdash;The "Lion Comique"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<img src="images/i_189.png" width="100%" alt="The Serio" />
+<h3>MUSIC HALL TYPES</h3>
+<center>II.&mdash;The "Serio"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/i_191.png">
+<img src="images/i_191.png" width="100%" alt="Refined Comedian" /></a>
+<h3>MUSIC HALL TYPES</h3>
+<center>III.&mdash;The "Refined Comedian"</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_188.png">
+<img src="images/i_188.png" width="100%" alt="On Tour" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">On Tour.</span></h3>
+<p><i>Heavy Tragedian.</i> "Do you let apartments
+to&mdash;ah&mdash;the profession?" <i>Unsophisticated Landlady.</i> "Oh, yes, sir. Why,
+last week we had the performing dogs here!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_190.png">
+<img src="images/i_190.png" width="100%" alt="Art and Nature" /></a>
+<h3><span class="smcap">Art and Nature.</span></h3>
+<center>(<i>Overheard during the Private Theatricals.</i>)</center>
+<p><i>She.</i> "How well your wife plays <i>Lady Geraldine</i>, Mr. Jones. I think
+the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How
+<i>does</i> she manage it?"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Jones</i> (<i>with embarrassment</i>). "Er&mdash;she doesn't. That's her natural
+voice."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/i_192.png">
+<img src="images/i_192.png" width="100%" alt="CONVINCING" /></a>
+<h3>CONVINCING</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/i_193.png">
+<img src="images/i_193.png" width="100%" alt="FINIS" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center>
+<br />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36529-h.htm or 36529-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/5/2/36529/
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_002.png b/36529-h/images/i_002.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dbd3bb3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_002.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_003.png b/36529-h/images/i_003.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6976691
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_003.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_004.png b/36529-h/images/i_004.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9c6ba1c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_004.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_005.png b/36529-h/images/i_005.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..25536f4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_005.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_006.png b/36529-h/images/i_006.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cdef826
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_006.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_007.png b/36529-h/images/i_007.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..79540da
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_007.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_008.png b/36529-h/images/i_008.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5a5799d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_008.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_010.png b/36529-h/images/i_010.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cf8dad6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_010.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_012.png b/36529-h/images/i_012.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fb0db79
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_012.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_013.png b/36529-h/images/i_013.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5bed475
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_013.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_014.png b/36529-h/images/i_014.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c4dd66c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_014.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_015.png b/36529-h/images/i_015.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0227b28
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_015.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_016.png b/36529-h/images/i_016.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1bab01f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_016.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_018.png b/36529-h/images/i_018.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0fd7b4a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_018.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_020.png b/36529-h/images/i_020.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9552b3b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_020.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_021.png b/36529-h/images/i_021.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e8a1445
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_021.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_022.png b/36529-h/images/i_022.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8416c43
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_022.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_024.png b/36529-h/images/i_024.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2598c7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_024.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_026.png b/36529-h/images/i_026.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8557f58
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_026.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_027.png b/36529-h/images/i_027.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6e6cf56
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_027.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_028.png b/36529-h/images/i_028.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c862541
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_028.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_029.png b/36529-h/images/i_029.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eb70f29
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_029.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_030.png b/36529-h/images/i_030.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e27bc1a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_030.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_031.png b/36529-h/images/i_031.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0a49f9b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_031.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_032.png b/36529-h/images/i_032.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e4eecbe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_032.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_033.png b/36529-h/images/i_033.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..419905a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_033.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_034.png b/36529-h/images/i_034.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b6ffc76
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_034.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_036.png b/36529-h/images/i_036.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..749b0ea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_036.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_037.png b/36529-h/images/i_037.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..689f1b6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_037.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_038.png b/36529-h/images/i_038.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ff36009
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_038.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_040.png b/36529-h/images/i_040.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8af24e8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_040.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_042a.png b/36529-h/images/i_042a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eb7d515
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_042a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_042b.png b/36529-h/images/i_042b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..249031a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_042b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_042c.png b/36529-h/images/i_042c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..033d1f3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_042c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_042d.png b/36529-h/images/i_042d.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2900d20
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_042d.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_043a.png b/36529-h/images/i_043a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4ba3bf3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_043a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_043b.png b/36529-h/images/i_043b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bd8904a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_043b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_043c.png b/36529-h/images/i_043c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4c38746
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_043c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_043d.png b/36529-h/images/i_043d.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d08db84
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_043d.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_044a.png b/36529-h/images/i_044a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e442ffc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_044a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_044b.png b/36529-h/images/i_044b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f829cba
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_044b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_044c.png b/36529-h/images/i_044c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..375ced9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_044c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_046.png b/36529-h/images/i_046.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9f0d594
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_046.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_047.png b/36529-h/images/i_047.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..60146da
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_047.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_049.png b/36529-h/images/i_049.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..46474f8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_049.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_050.png b/36529-h/images/i_050.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..46c4a8c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_050.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_051.png b/36529-h/images/i_051.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8eb13b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_051.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_052.png b/36529-h/images/i_052.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f4aeb5a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_052.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_053.png b/36529-h/images/i_053.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bbbd09e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_053.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_054.png b/36529-h/images/i_054.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f1a3a3d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_054.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_056.png b/36529-h/images/i_056.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..11a6bb8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_056.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_061.png b/36529-h/images/i_061.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9728962
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_061.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_062.png b/36529-h/images/i_062.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6855634
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_062.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_063.png b/36529-h/images/i_063.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..af8387d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_063.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_064a.png b/36529-h/images/i_064a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d09577d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_064a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_064b.png b/36529-h/images/i_064b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20a975c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_064b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_064c.png b/36529-h/images/i_064c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..260ffbc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_064c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_065.png b/36529-h/images/i_065.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..95078a1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_065.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_066.png b/36529-h/images/i_066.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f5b1531
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_066.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_067.png b/36529-h/images/i_067.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7a46ac3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_067.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_068.png b/36529-h/images/i_068.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..54b0e43
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_068.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_069.png b/36529-h/images/i_069.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7a5e1a6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_069.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_070.png b/36529-h/images/i_070.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2c062f7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_070.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_072.png b/36529-h/images/i_072.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d9a0755
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_072.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_073.png b/36529-h/images/i_073.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7dae31b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_073.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_074.png b/36529-h/images/i_074.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1480efe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_074.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_075.png b/36529-h/images/i_075.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5f8a3d3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_075.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_076.png b/36529-h/images/i_076.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4d42a23
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_076.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_077.png b/36529-h/images/i_077.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8e74c4a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_077.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_078.png b/36529-h/images/i_078.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5a15500
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_078.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_079.png b/36529-h/images/i_079.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..33350d3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_079.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_080.png b/36529-h/images/i_080.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..261b1f6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_080.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_081.png b/36529-h/images/i_081.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ac83ed7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_081.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_082.png b/36529-h/images/i_082.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d4a05bd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_082.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_083.png b/36529-h/images/i_083.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..769f725
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_083.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_084.png b/36529-h/images/i_084.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..94a7f98
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_084.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_085.png b/36529-h/images/i_085.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..682806d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_085.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_086.png b/36529-h/images/i_086.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cff91f1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_086.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_087.png b/36529-h/images/i_087.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f511400
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_087.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_088.png b/36529-h/images/i_088.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..97dfabc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_088.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_089.png b/36529-h/images/i_089.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c6020b0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_089.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_090.png b/36529-h/images/i_090.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f64e69e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_090.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_091.png b/36529-h/images/i_091.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..34b9850
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_091.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_092.png b/36529-h/images/i_092.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7e5bbd1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_092.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_093.png b/36529-h/images/i_093.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8031e04
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_093.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_094.png b/36529-h/images/i_094.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..429544b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_094.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_095.png b/36529-h/images/i_095.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..675413e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_095.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_096.png b/36529-h/images/i_096.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..05274c7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_096.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_097.png b/36529-h/images/i_097.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2771519
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_097.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_098.png b/36529-h/images/i_098.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3ecf2d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_098.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_100.png b/36529-h/images/i_100.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fe1d092
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_100.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_101.png b/36529-h/images/i_101.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b006832
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_101.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_102.png b/36529-h/images/i_102.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0233a20
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_102.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_104.png b/36529-h/images/i_104.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d6ad460
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_104.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_105.png b/36529-h/images/i_105.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f994777
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_105.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_106.png b/36529-h/images/i_106.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8da0413
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_106.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_108.png b/36529-h/images/i_108.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..085c494
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_108.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_109.png b/36529-h/images/i_109.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d1456ca
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_109.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_110.png b/36529-h/images/i_110.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..72b4f13
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_110.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_111.png b/36529-h/images/i_111.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..080444c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_111.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_112.png b/36529-h/images/i_112.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f0120f6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_112.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_114.png b/36529-h/images/i_114.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..88e20af
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_114.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_116.png b/36529-h/images/i_116.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..683eae1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_116.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_117.png b/36529-h/images/i_117.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a681f44
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_117.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_118.png b/36529-h/images/i_118.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6487b08
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_118.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_119.png b/36529-h/images/i_119.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..262e9a7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_119.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_120.png b/36529-h/images/i_120.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20ce69a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_120.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_121.png b/36529-h/images/i_121.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..92e5344
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_121.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_122.png b/36529-h/images/i_122.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2cce41a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_122.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_123.png b/36529-h/images/i_123.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f97f2e3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_123.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_124.png b/36529-h/images/i_124.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..64afed2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_124.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_125.png b/36529-h/images/i_125.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86db459
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_125.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_126.png b/36529-h/images/i_126.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..68a421f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_126.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_128.png b/36529-h/images/i_128.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9bf6ac5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_128.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_130.png b/36529-h/images/i_130.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0f88931
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_130.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_131.png b/36529-h/images/i_131.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8d444cd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_131.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_132a.png b/36529-h/images/i_132a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..608594f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_132a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_132b.png b/36529-h/images/i_132b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cd7dfd3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_132b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_134.png b/36529-h/images/i_134.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..afc5da9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_134.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_136.png b/36529-h/images/i_136.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9315baa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_136.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_138.png b/36529-h/images/i_138.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1c0ca6e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_138.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_140.png b/36529-h/images/i_140.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3181ffb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_140.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_142.png b/36529-h/images/i_142.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c0dd912
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_142.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_144.png b/36529-h/images/i_144.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e173ff1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_144.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_146.png b/36529-h/images/i_146.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c98e038
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_146.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_147.png b/36529-h/images/i_147.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b03b6d3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_147.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_148.png b/36529-h/images/i_148.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1621686
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_148.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_149.png b/36529-h/images/i_149.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f3d7658
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_149.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_150.png b/36529-h/images/i_150.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..26f93e2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_150.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_151.png b/36529-h/images/i_151.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0f56f95
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_151.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_152.png b/36529-h/images/i_152.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6baeef0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_152.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_153.png b/36529-h/images/i_153.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..af0dda0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_153.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_154.png b/36529-h/images/i_154.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..12f1b76
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_154.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_155.png b/36529-h/images/i_155.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4dbc3b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_155.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_156.png b/36529-h/images/i_156.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c43a839
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_156.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_157.png b/36529-h/images/i_157.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5638b92
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_157.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_158.png b/36529-h/images/i_158.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..06da41f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_158.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_159.png b/36529-h/images/i_159.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..920ae8a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_159.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_160.png b/36529-h/images/i_160.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e422ecb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_160.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_162.png b/36529-h/images/i_162.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..473d028
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_162.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_164.png b/36529-h/images/i_164.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..baf7d83
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_164.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_166.png b/36529-h/images/i_166.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4930993
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_166.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_168.png b/36529-h/images/i_168.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bcc95cf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_168.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_169.png b/36529-h/images/i_169.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..078e3e9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_169.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_170.png b/36529-h/images/i_170.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c753834
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_170.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_171.png b/36529-h/images/i_171.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8aba03d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_171.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_172.png b/36529-h/images/i_172.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d046905
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_172.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_173.png b/36529-h/images/i_173.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..05a9ae6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_173.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_174.png b/36529-h/images/i_174.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..788aec7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_174.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_175.png b/36529-h/images/i_175.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..20a1185
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_175.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_176.png b/36529-h/images/i_176.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..937bd3a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_176.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_177.png b/36529-h/images/i_177.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7a3a0cd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_177.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_178.png b/36529-h/images/i_178.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..855fe01
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_178.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_179a.png b/36529-h/images/i_179a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a335857
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_179a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_179b.png b/36529-h/images/i_179b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4f0a2d0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_179b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_179c.png b/36529-h/images/i_179c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cfba2e0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_179c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_179d.png b/36529-h/images/i_179d.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5ed5f2c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_179d.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_179e.png b/36529-h/images/i_179e.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1a264dd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_179e.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_179f.png b/36529-h/images/i_179f.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..39fc52d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_179f.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_180.png b/36529-h/images/i_180.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a0fef1e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_180.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_180a.png b/36529-h/images/i_180a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7f9a98d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_180a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_180b.png b/36529-h/images/i_180b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..92df9a8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_180b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_180c.png b/36529-h/images/i_180c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..414a369
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_180c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_181.png b/36529-h/images/i_181.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1a4b9cc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_181.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_182.png b/36529-h/images/i_182.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..62358ad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_182.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_183a.png b/36529-h/images/i_183a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..052223d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_183a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_183b.png b/36529-h/images/i_183b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..29606fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_183b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_183c.png b/36529-h/images/i_183c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f9f5ad4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_183c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_183d.png b/36529-h/images/i_183d.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d919913
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_183d.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_183e.png b/36529-h/images/i_183e.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..55d66f7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_183e.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_183f.png b/36529-h/images/i_183f.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14b1e0a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_183f.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_184a.png b/36529-h/images/i_184a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..32c0087
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_184a.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_184b.png b/36529-h/images/i_184b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..28693fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_184b.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_184c.png b/36529-h/images/i_184c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aa98249
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_184c.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_184d.png b/36529-h/images/i_184d.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..411d179
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_184d.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_184e.png b/36529-h/images/i_184e.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..319475a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_184e.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_184f.png b/36529-h/images/i_184f.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..06a44fc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_184f.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_185.png b/36529-h/images/i_185.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bbe3b98
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_185.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_186.png b/36529-h/images/i_186.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..30f3727
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_186.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_187.png b/36529-h/images/i_187.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..90bbc23
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_187.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_188.png b/36529-h/images/i_188.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bd0e2fc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_188.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_189.png b/36529-h/images/i_189.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..98fc2fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_189.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_190.png b/36529-h/images/i_190.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eeb601d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_190.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_191.png b/36529-h/images/i_191.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cdd37a1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_191.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_192.png b/36529-h/images/i_192.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..68f07cc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_192.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_193.png b/36529-h/images/i_193.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4b3fe6d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_193.png
diff --git a/36529-h/images/i_cover.png b/36529-h/images/i_cover.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..02660a8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529-h/images/i_cover.png
diff --git a/36529.txt b/36529.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14d0762
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2978 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch at the Play
+       Humours of Music and the Drama
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Charles Keene
+             and others
+
+Release Date: June 27, 2011 [EBook #36529]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+Designed to provide in a series
+of volumes, each complete in itself,
+the cream of our national humour,
+contributed by the masters of
+comic draughtsmanship and the
+leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+from its beginning in 1841 to the
+present day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Actor (on the stage)._ "Me mind is made up!"
+
+_Voice from the Gallery._ "What abeaout yer fice?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY
+
+HUMOURS OF MUSIC AND THE DRAMA
+
+_WITH 140 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BY CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, L.
+RAVEN-HILL, E. T. REED, F. H. TOWNSEND, C. E. BROCK, A. S. BOYD, TOM
+BROWNE, EVERARD HOPKINS AND OTHERS
+
+PUBLISHED BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BEFORE THE CURTAIN
+
+Most of the PUNCH artists of note have used their pencils on the
+theatre; with theatricals public and private none has done more than Du
+Maurier. All have made merry over the extravagances of melodrama and
+"problem" plays; the vanity and the mistakes of actors, actresses and
+dramatists; and the blunderings of the average playgoer.
+
+MR. PUNCH genially satirises the aristocratic amateurs who, some few
+years ago, made frantic rushes into the profession, and for a while
+enjoyed more kudos as actors than they had obtained as titled members
+of the upper circle, and the exaggerated social status that for the time
+accrued to the professional actor as a consequence of this invasion.
+
+The things he has written about the stage, quite apart from all
+reviewing of plays, would more than fill a book of itself; and he has
+slyly and laughingly satirised players, playwrights and public with an
+equal impartiality.
+
+He has got a deal of fun out of the French dramas and the affected
+pleasure taken in them by audiences that did not understand the
+language. He has got even more fun out of the dramatists whose "original
+plays" were largely translated from the French, and to whom Paris was,
+and to some extent is still, literally and figuratively "a playground."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY
+
+SOMETHING FOR THE MONEY
+
+(_From the Playgoers' Conversation Book. Coming Edition._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have only paid three guineas and a half for this stall, but it is
+certainly stuffed with the very best hair.
+
+The people in the ten-and-sixpenny gallery seem fairly pleased with
+their dado.
+
+I did not know the call-boy was at Eton.
+
+The expenses of this house must be enormous, if they always play _Box
+and Cox_ with a rasher of real Canadian bacon.
+
+How nice to know that the musicians, though out of sight under the
+stage, are in evening dress on velvet cushions!
+
+Whoever is the author of this comedy, he has not written up with spirit
+to that delightful Louis the Fifteenth linen cupboard.
+
+I cannot catch a word "Macbeth" is saying, but I can see at a glance
+that his kilt would be extremely cheap at seventy pounds.
+
+I am not surprised to hear that the "Tartar's lips" for the cauldron
+alone add nightly something like fifty-five-and-sixpence to the
+expenses.
+
+Do not bother me about the situation when I am looking at the quality of
+the velvet pile.
+
+Since the introduction of the _live_ hedgehog into domestic drama
+obliged the management to raise the second-tier private boxes to forty
+guineas, the Duchess has gone into the slips with an order.
+
+They had, perhaps, better take away the champagne-bottle and the
+diamond-studded whistle from the prompter.
+
+Ha! here comes the chorus of villagers, provided with real silk
+pocket-handkerchiefs.
+
+It is all this sort of thing that elevates the drama, and makes me so
+contented to part with a ten-pound note for an evening's amusement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Pantomime Child (to admiring friend)._ "Yus, and there's
+another hadvantage in bein' a hactress. You get yer fortygraphs took for
+noffink!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEIGHT OF LITERARY NECESSITY.--"Spouting" Shakspeare.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN are parsons bound in honour not to abuse theatres?
+
+When they take orders.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT VOTE THE MANAGER OF A THEATRE ALWAYS HAS.--The "casting" vote.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STAND NOT ON THE ORDER OF YOUR GOING."--An amiable manager says the
+orders which he issues for the pit and gallery are what in his opinion
+constitute "the lower orders."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREAT THEATRICAL EFFECT.--During a performance of _Macbeth_ at the
+Haymarket, the thunder was so natural that it turned sour a pint of beer
+in the prompter's-box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DRAMA.--"'Ere, I say, 'Liza, we've seen this 'ere
+play before!" "No, we ain't." [_Wordy argument follows._] "Why, don't
+you remember, same time as Bill took us to the 'Pig an' Whistle,' an' we
+'ad stewed eels for supper?" "Oh lor! Yes, that takes me back to it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE APPRECIATION
+
+(_Overheard at the Theatre_)
+
+_Mrs. Parvenu._ "I don't know that I'm exackly _gone_ on Shakspeare
+Plays."
+
+    [_Mr. P. agrees._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Conversationalist._ "Do you play ping-pong?"
+
+_Actor._ "No. I play _Hamlet_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ACTORS WHO ARE NOT WORTH A THOUGHT.--We notice that there is a book
+called "Acting and Thinking." This is to distinguish it, we imagine,
+from the generality of acting, in which there is mostly no thinking?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRUSHER.--_Country Manager (to Mr. Agrippa Snap, the great London
+critic, who has come down to see the production of a piece on trial)._
+And what do you think, sir, of our theatre and our players?
+
+_Agrippa Snap (loftily)._ Well, frankly, Mr. Flatson, your green-room's
+better than your company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The higher walk of the drama]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Auntie, can _you_ do that?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Theatrical managers are so often accused of being unable to break with
+tradition, that it seems only fair to point out that several of them
+have recently produced plays, in which the character of "Hamlet" does
+not appear at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON A DRAMATIC AUTHOR
+
+  "Yes, he's a plagiarist," from Tom this fell,
+    "As to his social faults, sir, one excuses 'em;
+  'Cos he's good natured, takes a joke so well."
+    "True," cries an author, "he takes mine and uses 'em."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MANAGER'S COMPLAINT
+
+  She danced among the unfinished ways
+    That merge into the Strand,
+  A maid whom none could fail to praise,
+    And very few withstand.
+
+  A sylph, accepted for the run,
+    Not at a weekly wage;
+  Fair as a star when only one
+    Is shining on the stage.
+
+  She met a lord, and all men know
+    How soon she'd done with me;
+  Now she is in _Debrett_, oh, and,
+    That's where they all would be!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A FIRST NIGHT.--_Indignant Playwright (to leading actor,
+behind the scenes)._ "Confound it, man, you've absolutely murdered the
+piece!" _Leading Actor._ "Pardon me, but I think the foul play is
+yours!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Smart._ How do, Smooth? (_to theatrical manager, who frowns upon him_).
+What's the matter, eh?
+
+_Smooth._ Matter? Hang it, Smart, you wrote me down in "The Stinger."
+
+_Smart (repressing something Shakspearian about "writing down" which
+occurs to him, continues pleasantly)._ Wrote you down? No, I said the
+piece was a bad one, because I thought it was; a very bad one.
+
+_Smooth._ Bad! (_Sarcastically._) You were the only man who said so.
+
+_Smart (very pleasantly)._ My dear fellow, _I was the only man who saw
+it._ Good-bye.
+
+    [_Exeunt severally._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR A BOX-OFFICE KEEPER.--"So much for booking 'em."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A considerable demonstration of approval greeted the fall of the
+curtain." How are we to take this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE DESIRE OF THE MOTH FOR THE STAR."--_Mistress._ "And
+you dare to tell me, Belinda, that you have actually answered a
+_theatrical advertisement_? How _could_ you be such a _wicked_ girl?"
+_Belinda (whimpering)._ "Well, mum,--_other_ young lidies--gow on
+the--stige--why shouldn't _I_ gow?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME.--_Mr. AEsopus Delasparre._
+"I will ask you to favour me, madam, by refraining from laughing at me
+on the stage during my third act." _Miss Jones (sweetly)._ "Oh, but I
+assure you you're mistaken, Mr. Delasparre; I never laugh at you on the
+stage--I wait till I get home!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SWEEPING ASSERTION.--"The other night, at the Novelty
+Theatre, Mrs. Vere-Jones was gowned simply in a _clinging_ black velvet,
+with a cloak of same handsomely trimmed with ermine."--_Extract from
+Society Journal._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRAMATIC NOTES OF THE FUTURE
+
+     [A little cheild is the hero of _Everybody's Secret_; the curtain
+     rises upon four little cheildren in _Her Own Way_; there are
+     cheildren of various ages in _Alice-Sit-by-the-fire_.]
+
+Mr. Barrie's new play, _The Admirable Creche_, will be presented
+to-morrow. We understand that there is a pretty scene in the third act
+in which several grown-ups are discovered smoking cigars. It may
+confidently be predicted that all the world will rush to the "Duke of
+York's" to see this novelty. _The Admirable Creche_ will be preceded at
+8.30 by _Bassinette--A Plea for a Numerous Family_, a one-act play by
+Theodore Roosevelt and Louis N. Parker.
+
+Little Baby Wilkins is making quite a name with her wonderful rendering
+of "Perdita" in the Haymarket version of _A Winter's Tale_. As soon as
+actor-manager Wilkins realised the necessity of cutting the last two
+acts (in which "Perdita" is grown up) the play was bound to succeed. By
+the way, Mr. E. H. Cooper's new book, "Perditas I have Known," is
+announced.
+
+Frankly, we are disappointed in Mr. Pinero's new play, _Little Arthur_,
+produced at Wyndham's last week. It treated of the old old theme--the
+love of the hero for his nurse. To be quite plain, this stale triangle,
+mother--son--nurse, is beginning to bore us. Are there no other themes
+in every-day life which Mr. Pinero might take? Could he not, for
+instance, give us an analysis of the mind of a young genius torn between
+the necessity for teething and the desire to edit a great daily? Duty
+calls him both ways: his duty to himself and his duty to the public.
+Imagine a Wilkins in such a scene!
+
+The popular editor of the "Nursery," whose unrivalled knowledge of
+children causes him to be referred to everywhere as our greatest
+playwright, is a little at sea in his latest play, _Rattles_. In the
+first act he rashly introduces (though by this time he should know his
+own limitations) two grown-ups at lunch--Mr. Jones the father, and Dr.
+Brown, who discuss Johnny's cough. Now we would point out to Mr. Crouper
+that men of their age would be unlikely to have milk for lunch; and
+that they would not say "Yeth, pleath"--unless of Hebraic origin, and
+Mr. Crouper does not say so anywhere. Mr. Crouper must try and see
+something of grown-ups before he writes a play of this kind again.
+
+We regret to announce that Cecil Tomkins, _doyen_ of actor-managers, is
+down again with mumps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART. A MUSICAL COMEDY]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE PREMIERE
+
+_Lady in Front Row (to her neighbour, towards the end of the second
+act)._ "Who is this man next me, who's just come in,--do you know? He
+doesn't seem to be paying the smallest attention to the play!"
+
+_Her Neighbour._ "Oh, I expect he's a critic. He's probably made up his
+mind long ago what he's going to say of the piece; but he's just dropped
+in to _confirm his suspicions_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NO FIRST-NIGHTER.--_First Man in the Street._ See the eclipse last
+night?
+
+_Second Man in the Street._ No. Thought it might be crowded. Put off
+going till next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BILL OF THE PLAY]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE PROFESSION.--_Rising Young Dramatist._
+"Saw your wife in front last night. What did she think of my new
+comedy?"
+
+_Brother Playwright_. "Oh, I think she liked it. She told me she had a
+good laugh."
+
+_R. Y. D._ "Ah--er--when was that?"
+
+_B. P._ "During the _entr'acte_. One of the attendants dropped an ice
+down her neighbour's neck."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN
+
+_Dora_ (_consulting a playbill_). "Only fancy! '_As You Like It_' is by
+Shakspeare!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS. A REHEARSAL.--_The Captain._ "At
+this stage of the proceedings I've got to kiss you, Lady Grace. Will
+your husband mind, do you think?"
+
+_Lady Grace._ "Oh no! It's for a _charity_, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN INFANT ROSCIUS.--_Stage Manager_ (_interviewing
+children with the idea of engaging them for a new play_). "Has this
+child been on the stage?"
+
+_Proud Mother._ "No; but he's been on an inquest, and he speaks up
+fine!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY.--_Tragedian._ "Cheap. Ha, ha! Why in my time
+they _threw_ them at us!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Well, papa, how did you enjoy the play to-night?"
+
+"Oh, I think I enjoyed it fairly well, my dear. I've got a general sort
+of idea that I didn't go to sleep over it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Lady Amateur._ "Oh, what a pity! We've just
+missed the first act!"
+
+_Languid Friend._ "Have we? Ah--rather glad. I always think the chief
+pleasure of going to a theatre is trying to make out what the first act
+was about!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL.--When it is announced that an actor will be supported by the
+_entire_ company, it is not thereby meant that the said professional is
+sustained in his arduous part solely by draughts of Barclay, Perkins and
+Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The wretch who refuses to take his wife to the theatre deserves to be
+made to sit out a play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD "PIECE" OF FURNITURE FOR THEATRICAL MANAGERS.--A chest of
+"drawers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGENERATION OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--There are at this moment three
+English managers in Paris "in search of novelty!" More: three
+distinguished members of the Dramatic Authors' Society started for
+France last night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AS GOOD AS A PLAY."--Performing a funeral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PLANT IN SEASON.--Now is the time of year when managers of theatres
+show a botanical taste, for there is not one of them who does not do his
+best to have a great rush at his doors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DRAMATIC AUTHOR'S PLAYGROUND.--Paris.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL NOTE.--_Net_ profits are generally the result of a good
+"_cast_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Shakspeare and the first Quart O"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Shakspeare and the last Quart O"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DUBIOUS COMPLIMENT.--_Rector's Wife_ (_after harvest festival_).
+Well, Mrs. Piggleswade, how did you like the Bishop's sermon?
+
+_Mrs. Piggleswade._ Oh! ma'am, I ain't been so much upset since my old
+man took me to the wariety theayter in London last August twelve-month,
+and 'eard a gen'leman sing about his grandmother's cat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a poor actor on the Norwich circuit who squinted most
+dreadfully: he was put up on one occasion for "Lear." "We must succeed,"
+said the manager, "for there never was a _Lear_ with so strong a
+_cast_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RICHMOND DINNER.--A shouting actor who performs the part.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY DEPUTY
+
+  As Shakspeare could not write his plays
+    (If Mrs. Gallup's not mistaken),
+  I think how wise in many ways
+    He was to have them done by Bacon;
+  They might have mouldered on the shelf,
+    Mere minor dramas (and he knew it!)
+  If he had written them himself
+    Instead of letting Bacon do it.
+
+  And if it's true, as Brown and Smith
+    In many learned tomes have stated,
+  That Homer was an idle myth,
+    He ought to be congratulated;
+  Since, thus evading birth, he rose
+    For men to worship from a distance:
+  He might have penned inferior prose
+    Had he achieved a real existence.
+
+  To him and Shakspeare some agree
+    In making very nice allusions,
+  But no one thinks of praising me,
+    For I composed my own effusions:
+  As others wrote their works divine,
+    And they immortal thus to day are,
+  If someone else had written mine
+    I might have been as great as they are!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Famous Lion Comique_ (_to his agent, who is not much of
+a cigar smoker_). "What did you think of that cigar as I give you the
+other day?"
+
+_Agent._ "Well, the first night I liked it well enough. But the second
+night I didn't like it so well. And the third I didn't like it at all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Numerous applications were received by the manager of Covent Garden from
+"professionals" wishing to take part in _The Forty Thieves_. It was not
+found possible to offer engagements to the following (amongst others):--
+
+_The Thief_--who stole a march.
+
+_The Thief_--in the candle.
+
+_The Thief_--who was set to catch a thief.
+
+_The Thief_--who stole the "purse" and found it "trash."
+
+_The Thief_--who stole up-stairs.
+
+_The Thief_--of time, _alias_ procrastination, and--
+
+_The Thief_--who stole a kiss (overwhelming number of applicants).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA
+
+_Berthelda._--Sanguino, you have killed your _mother_!!!
+
+_Fruitwoman._--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!
+
+    (_Curtain falls._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Music-hall.]
+
+[Illustration: A Melodrama at the "Surrey".]
+
+[Illustration: Screaming Farcical Comedy.]
+
+[Illustration: A pathetic "Comedy-Drama."]
+
+[Illustration: Another.]
+
+[Illustration: A patriotic Drama at the "National Theatre".]
+
+[Illustration: The Opera.]
+
+[Illustration: And.]
+
+[Illustration: Three acts.]
+
+[Illustration: of Henrik Ibsen.]
+
+[Illustration: The deplorable issue.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bishops," said the Rev. Mr. Phillips to the Playgoers' Club, "are not
+really so stiff and starchy as they are made out to be. There is a good
+heart beneath the gaiters." Calf-love, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIFFERENT VIEWS.--Bishops complain of a dearth of candidates for orders.
+Managers of theatres think differently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEG-ITIMATE SUCCESSES.--Modern extravaganzas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEATRICAL.--The only people who never suffer in the long run--managers
+of theatres.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STANDING ORDERS."--Free admissions who can't get seats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY"
+
+_Husband_ (_after the Adagio, to musical wife_). "My dear, are we going
+to stay to the 'bitter end'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. SENSATION OPERA.
+
+_Manager_ (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "My dear fellow, I've
+brought you the score of the new opera. We've arranged _such_ a scena
+for you in the third act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the
+keelhauling scene, you know! Heavy rolling sea, eh?--Yes, and we can
+have some real spray pumped on to you from the fire-engine! Volumes of
+smoke from the funnel, close behind your head--in fact, you'll be
+enveloped as you rush on to the bridge! And then you'll sing that lovely
+barcarolle through the speaking-trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the
+ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT A PROBLEM PLAY.--_Mr. Dinkershein_ (_eminent critic_). How did you
+enjoy the piece, Miss MacGuider?
+
+_Miss MacGuider._ Well, to tell the truth, I didn't know what it was all
+about.
+
+_Mr. Dinkershein._ Excellent. The author gives us so much to think of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUESTION AND ANSWER.--"Why don't I write plays?" Why should I?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT EXACTLY A THEATRICAL MANAGER'S GUIDING MOTTO.--"Piece at any price."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SHAKSPEARIAN SOCIETY.--In the course of a discussion, Mrs. ----
+observed, that she was positive that Shakspeare was a butcher by trade,
+because an old uncle of hers had bought _lambs' tails from Shakspeare_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SOUND DUES."--Fees to opera box-keepers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COPYRIGHT AND COPYWRONG.--The dramatist who dramatises his neighbour's
+novel against his will, is less a playwright than a plagiary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CROSS OLD THING!"--_Wife._ "I'm going into town now,
+dear. Shall I book places for _Caste_ or _Much ado about Nothing_?"
+_Husband._ "Oh, please yourself, my dear; but I should say we've enough
+'Ado about Nothing' at home!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_Brown (rehearsing his part as the
+"Vicomte de Cherisac")._ "Yas, Marie! I've fondly loved ye. (_Sobs
+dramatically._) 'Tis well--but no mat-tar-r!" _Housemaid (to cook,
+outside the door)._ "Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't master a givin' it to
+missis!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TECHNICAL.--_First Player_ ("_Juvenile Lead_"). Play
+Scene--Hamlet. (_Deferentially_). "What do you think of it?" _Second
+Player_ ("_First Heavy_"). "How precious well them 'supers' are painted,
+ain't they?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOUBLE DISAPPOINTMENT.--_Stern Hostess (who is giving
+private theatricals)._ "You are very late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've
+begun long ago!" _Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that
+particular form of entertainment)._ "What! You don't mean to say they're
+at it still!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODEST APPEAL.--_Lady (to big drum)._ "Pray, my good man,
+don't make that horrid noise! I can't hear myself speak!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MODERN REHEARSAL
+
+_Leading Lady (to Stage Manager)._ Who's that man in the ulster coat
+talking to the call-boy?
+
+_Stage Manager._ Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I
+was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the
+dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for
+his cackle. Ah! here he is.
+
+_Splitter._ Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the
+boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage
+would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me.
+
+_Stage Man._ Of course I will. Capital idea. (_Marks prompt-book._) I
+wonder who that chap is in the wing?
+
+_Splitter._ Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo,
+Wobbler, brought your new song?
+
+_Wobbler._ Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital
+wheezes.
+
+_Splitter._ No poaching, old chap.
+
+_Wobbler._ Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning,
+Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose?
+
+_Miss Skid (brightly)._ I'm always "perfect." But--(_seriously_)--I had
+to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The
+Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss!
+
+    [_Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations._
+
+_Stage Man._ Places, ladies and gentlemen.
+
+_Mr. Footlyte._ Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I
+have completely rewritten the second act, and----
+
+_The Stranger in the Ulster._ But, sir, I beg of you to remember----
+
+_Mr. F._ Who is that man?
+
+_Everybody._ We don't know!
+
+_Mr. F. (advancing)._ Who are you, sir, who dare to trespass on my
+premises?
+
+_The S. in the U._ Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte?
+
+_Mr. F._ No, sir, I do not. What's your business?
+
+_The S. in the U. (nervously)._ I am the author of the piece.
+
+_Everybody._ Ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Mr. F._ Then you're not wanted here. (_To stage manager._) Jenkins,
+clear the stage.
+
+    [_The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEANT AS A COMPLIMENT.--_Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after
+production of his new comedy)._ And what did you think of my little
+piece the other night?
+
+_Miss Lagushe._ I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I
+thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for _you_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEO-DRAMATIC NURSERY RHYME
+
+    Mrs. Grundy, good woman, scarce knew what to think
+    About the relation 'twixt drama and drink.
+    Well, give hall--and theatre--good wholesome diet,
+    And all who attend will be sober and quiet!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Younger Son of Ducal House._ "Mother, allow me to
+introduce to you--my wife."
+
+_His Wife (late of the Frivolity Theatre)._ "How do, Duchess? I'm the
+latest thing in mesalliances!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO AMATEUR PLAYWRIGHTS.
+
+_Of the Essence of Drama._--It is not strictly necessary that you should
+know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that
+whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk,
+and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice,
+or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it
+is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.
+
+_Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing._--Owing to the competition
+nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as
+practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely
+farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to
+that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into
+poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show
+that it _is_ poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act
+III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to elope with the heroine
+(already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and
+wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high
+spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand,
+will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious
+people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a
+number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your
+audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young
+ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits
+of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually
+accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage
+carpenter will attend to these.
+
+_Of Humour._--Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your
+characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however,
+that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will
+be surpassed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind
+a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a
+stage-direction.
+
+_Of Dialogue._--Speeches of more than half a page, though useful for
+clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of
+repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect,
+no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes
+in recitation.
+
+_Of the Censorship._--This need not be feared unless you are unduly
+serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where
+the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in
+problems.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE STAGE-WORSHIPPERS.--"Mummer's the word!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE OF HER OPINION
+
+_Gushing Young Woman (to famous actor)._ "Oh, do you know, Mr.
+Starleigh, I'm simply _mad_ to go on the stage!" _Famous Actor._ "Yes, I
+should think you _would_ be, my dear young lady!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DECLINE OF THE DRAMA
+
+  Mundungus deems the drama is declining,
+    Yet fain would swell the crowded playwright ranks.
+  The secret of his pessimist opining,
+    Is--all _his_ dramas _are_ declined--with thanks!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES
+
+(_For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic Art_)
+
+  'Tis the voice of the prompter,
+    I hear him quite plain;
+  He has prompted me twice,
+    Let him prompt me again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A suggestion to the refreshment departments of our
+theatres, much simpler than the old method of struggling by, and would
+prevent the men going out between the acts.]
+
+[Illustration: First night of musical comedy. The authors called before
+the curtain.]
+
+[Illustration: _Jones (arriving in the middle of the overture to
+"Tristan und Isolde"--quite audibly)._ "Well, thank goodness we're in
+_plenty of time!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE STALLS
+
+Time past--Crinoline era]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE SHAKESPEARIAN MOTTO FOR A FIRM OF ADVERTISING AGENTS.--"Posters
+of the sea and land."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUID PRO QUO.--_Actor-Manager (to Dramatic Author)._ What I want is a
+one-part piece.
+
+_Dramatic Author._ That's very easily arranged. You be number one, and
+"part" to me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE STALLS
+
+Time present--Fan development]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Araminta._ Why, dearest, do you call those witticisms, which the
+comedians deliver with such ready humour, "gags"?
+
+_Corydon (the playwright)._ Because they always stifle the author.
+
+    [_Smiles no more during the evening._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUMMER'S BETE-NOIRE.--"_Benefits_ forgot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES
+
+_Sangazur, Senior._ "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about
+your wanting to marry an actress?"
+
+_Sangazur, Junior._ "It's quite true, sir. But--er--you can have no
+conception how _very poorly_ she acts!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A STUDIED INSULT.--_Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial
+Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse
+Show)._ "Box or two stalls, sir?" _Murphy._ "What the dev'l d'ye mane?
+D'ye take me an' the missus for a pair o' proize 'osses? Oi'll have two
+sates in the dhress circle, and let 'em be as dhressy as possible,
+moind!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE SLEEPING BEAUTY."--"Nervous? oh dear no! I only
+acted _once_ in private theatricals, Mr. Jones, and, although it was an
+important part, I had nothing to say!" "Really? What _was_ the part?"
+"_Can't you guess?_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLLABORATEURS.--Jennings and Bellamy, the famous
+dramatists, planning one of those thrilling plays of plot and passion,
+in which (as everybody knows) Jennings provides the inimitable broad
+humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is
+the shorter of the two.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS
+
+(_From the Common-place Book of a Novelist_)
+
+Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on
+the stage.
+
+Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than
+actor-managers.
+
+Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place--except in
+novels.
+
+Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only
+three years to compose a novel?
+
+Because critics who send articles to magazines inviting one to
+contribute to the stage, have no right to dictate to us.
+
+Because a fairly successful novel means five hundred pounds, and a
+fairly successful play yields as many thousands--why be influenced by
+mercenary motives?
+
+Because all novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no
+time left for outside labour.
+
+And last, and (perhaps) not least, Why don't I send in a play? Because I
+_have_ tried to write _one_, and find I can't quite manage it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HER FIRST PLAY.--_Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a
+great treat, to a morning performance)._ "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!"
+
+_Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage)._
+"But, mummy,--_they're_ talking!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ When are the affairs of a theatre likely to assume a somewhat fishy
+aspect? _A._ When there's a sole lessee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Evangeline._ Why is this called the dress circle mamma?
+
+_Mamma._ Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FORM OF EQUESTRIAN DRAMA.--Horseplay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Mellow drammer]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIRST NIGHT OF AN UNAPPRECIATED MELODRAMA.--_He._ "Are we
+alone?" _Voice from the Gallery._ "No, guv'nor; but you will be
+to-morrow night."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COMMISSARIAT
+
+_Our Bandmaster (to purveyor of refreshments)._ "We must hev beef
+sangwitches, marm! Them ham ones make the men's lips that greasy, they
+can't blow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NOTE AND QUERY
+
+_Wife (given to literature and the drama)._ "George, what is the meaning
+of the expression, 'Go to!' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the
+old dramatists?"
+
+_Husband (not a reading man)._ "'Don't know, I'm sure, dear, unless----
+Well,--p'raps he was going to say----but thought it wouldn't sound
+proper!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIC VOS NON VOBIS DRAMATISATIS, WRITERS!
+
+_Wife of his Bosom (just home from the play)._ "And then that _darling_
+Walter Lisson, looking like a Greek god, drew his stiletto, and
+delivered, oh! _such_ an exquisite soliloquy over her tomb--all in blank
+verse--like heavenly music on the organ!"
+
+_He._ "Why, he's got a voice like a raven, and can no more deliver blank
+verse than he can fly."
+
+_She._ "Ah, well--it was very beautiful, all the same--all about love
+and death, you know!"
+
+_He._ "Who wrote the piece, then?"
+
+_She._ "Who wrote the piece? Oh--er--well--his name's sure to be on the
+bill somewhere--at least I _suppose_ it is!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM OUR GENERAL THEATRICAL FUND.--Why would a good-natured dramatic
+critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes
+to pieces easily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. BY A MANAGER
+
+  To say "boo" to a goose requires some doing.
+  In theatres 'tis the goose who does the "booing,"
+  And though a man may do the best he can, sir,
+  _Anser_ will hiss, though hissing may not answer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE
+
+                              "A POOR player,
+  Who struts and frets his hour on the stage,
+  And then--goes in society."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A solo on the horn]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.--_Rupert the Reckless (Tompkins, a
+distinguished amateur from town)._ "Now, I call it a beastly shame,
+Jenkins; you haven't ordered that brute of yours off my togs, and you
+know I can't go back to the inn like _this_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene I.--The Tragic
+Mews]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME. Scene II.--The Comic
+Mews]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AMBIGUOUS.--_First Actress._ "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so
+chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to
+say I can't act." _Second Ditto._ "Surely a certificate isn't necessary,
+dear?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tenor (at amateur concert)._ "It's my turn next, and I'm
+so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me,
+Miss Brown?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Smith._ "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you
+think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of
+elevating the stage." _Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse
+of the stage all the afternoon)._ "Well--er--it would come to much the
+same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR THEATRICALS.--_The Countess._ "Will this cruel war
+_never_ end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to
+catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return.
+But, hark! what is that I hear?"
+
+    [_Stage direction.--"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't
+    rehearsed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the
+    local cornet-player who helped us on the night._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has
+a private performance of his own in the nursery.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mazeppa._ "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ACTOR.--_Billy Wapshot._ "I
+say, look here, you know! They've cast me for the part of _Sir Guy
+Earliswoodde_, an awful ass that everyone keeps laughing at! How the
+dickens am I to act such a beastly part as that?--and how am I to dress
+for it, I should like to know?" _Brown (stage manager)._ "My dear
+fellow, dress _just as you are!_--and as for acting, _be as natural as
+you possibly can!_ It will be an immense success!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE JEUNE PREMIER.--"_What_,
+Eleanor? You know _Sir Lionel Wildrake_, the handsomest, wittiest, most
+dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no woman has ever been
+known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But hush! He comes----"
+
+    [_Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake_.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a blessing on peacemakers--is there one on playwrights?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French crib.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COURT THEATRE TICKET.--The order of the garter available only at
+Windsor as an order for the stalls.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NAME FOR A THEATRE WHERE THE ACTORS ARE MORE OR LESS
+UNINTELLIGIBLE.--"The Mumbles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Music by handle.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM
+
+"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a
+suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I--a--_think_ I may
+flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my
+social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!"
+
+"I admit that to be the case just _at present_--but the social position
+of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day _may_ come when even the
+leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a _Bishop_,
+let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of
+the--a--House of Beaumanoir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TURNING A PHRASE.--_Dramatic Author._ "What the deuce do
+you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's
+shameful!" _Dramatic Critic._ "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old
+man--you'll see how pleased I was, _if you'll only read between the
+lines!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_A Booth in the Wild West_
+
+_The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the
+Pacific."_
+
+_Author._ "What is the audience shouting for?"
+
+_Manager._ "They're calling for the author."
+
+_Author._ "Then hadn't I better appear?"
+
+_Manager._ "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Men Were Deceivers Ever"
+
+_First Counter Tenor._ "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at
+our entrance."
+
+_Second Counter Tenor._ "Oh, then, let's go out at the _bass_ door!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COMMENTATORS.--_First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy)._
+"I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've
+made a discovery--that _Horatio_ was _Hamlet's_ father!" _Second
+Quidnunc (enchanted)._ "You don't say so!" _First Quidnunc._ "My dear
+sir, doesn't _Hamlet_, when he handles _Yorick's_ skull, address
+_Horatio_, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A Disenchantment
+
+_Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country)._
+"_Dear_ me! He's a _very_ different-looking person from what I had
+always imagined!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JUST HINT A FAULT"
+
+_Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera_
+
+_Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate)._ "Tom, dear, don't you
+think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people
+behind, you know?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER
+
+  Who gets, by hook or crook, from me
+  Admittance free, though well knows he
+  That myriads turned away will be?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who, while he for his programme pays
+  The smallest silver coin, inveighs
+  Against such fraud with eyes ablaze?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who to his neighbour spins harangues,
+  On how he views with grievous pangs
+  The dust that on our hangings hangs?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who, in a voice which rings afar,
+  Declares, while standing at the bar,
+  Our drinks most deleterious are?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers
+  That others give? Who jeers and sneers
+  At all he sees and all he hears?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who loudly, as the drama's plot
+  Unfolds, declares the tale a lot
+  Of balderdash and tommy-rot?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who dubs the actors boorish hinds?
+  Who fault with all the scenery finds?
+  Who with disgust his molars grinds?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who spreads dissatisfaction wide
+  'Mongst those who else with all they spied
+  Had been extremely satisfied?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who runs us down for many a day,
+  And keeps no end of folks away
+  That else would for admittance pay?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who keeps his reputation still,
+  For recompensing good with ill
+  With more than pandemonium's skill?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+  Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom
+  In all its blackness o'er me loom?
+  Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb?
+                      The Deadhead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON.--_Mrs. Harris._ "Yes, William, I've
+thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and
+dickey-bird, and so I'm going!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A five bar rest]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "Young man, I hear that you
+propose to essay the _role_ of the melancholy Dane. What induced you to
+do it?" _Prosperous London ditto._ "Oh, I don't know. They egged me on
+to it." _Seedy Provincial Actor._ "H'm. They egged _me OFF_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME
+
+(_By an Intelligent Schoolboy_)
+
+That demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on their
+visiting lists the most beautiful of the fairies.
+
+That the attendants upon the demons (presumably their victims) spend
+much of their time in break-downs.
+
+That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a
+distressingly long time.
+
+That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their
+tongues, than clothes to their backs.
+
+That the fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering they
+dance so much in the sunlight.
+
+That the tight and scanty costume of the fairies is most insufficient
+protection from the showers that must be required to produce the
+gigantic and highly-coloured fairy _flora_.
+
+That the chief fairy (to judge from her allusions to current events)
+must take in the daily papers.
+
+That harlequin is always shaking his bat, but nothing seems to come of
+it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or, in
+short, what he's at altogether.
+
+That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see
+why they don't catch her.
+
+That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be
+exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown.
+
+That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts,
+butter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the
+whole is lucky to escape hanging.
+
+That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked
+head-over-heels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW PLAY
+
+_Low Comedian._ "Have you seen the notice?"
+
+_Tragedian._ "No; is it a good one?"
+
+_Low Comedian._ "It's a fortnight's."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A quick movement with an obligato accompaniment.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TERRIFIC SITUATION!
+
+Heroine of domestic drama pursued by the unprincipled villain is about
+to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPRECIATIVE!
+
+_The eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs. Mugby, of the village laundry)._
+I'm delighted that you were able to come to our schoolroom performance
+of _Scenes from Shakspeare_.
+
+_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, so was I, mum. That there "'Amblet"--and the grand
+lady, mum----
+
+_Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly)._ You mean "Hamlet" and his
+mother--the vicar and myself. You enjoyed it?
+
+_Mrs. Mugby._ Oh, we did, mum! We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh for
+many a long day.
+
+    [_Exit_ Miss B., _thinking that Shakspeare is perhaps somewhat thrown
+    away on this yokality_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOOK OF THE PLAY (_as managers like it_).--"All places taken for the
+next fortnight."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When actors complain that all they require is "parts," they generally
+tell the exact truth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME
+
+"Where got'st thou that goose?--look!"
+                (_Macbeth_, Act V., Sc. 3.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISENCHANTMENT.--_Grandpapa._ "_What_? Bob in love with
+Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" _Bob (firing up)._
+"Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had
+better not be said in my presence, that's all!" _Grandpapa._ "_I_ say a
+word _against_ her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over
+ears in love with her _myself_--_when I was your age!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROBLEM PLAY.--_New Woman (with the hat)._ "No! _My_
+principle is simply _this_--if there's a _demand_ for these plays, it
+must be _supplied_!" _Woman not New (with the bonnet)._ "Precisely! Just
+as with the bull-fights in Spain!"
+
+    [_Scores_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES--THE BLAMELESS
+BALLET
+
+["_Mr. Chamberlain has expressed himself in sympathy with the scheme of
+the Rev. Forbes Phillips for running theatres in connection with the
+churches in country villages._"]
+
+There would, our artist imagines, be no difficulty in obtaining willing
+coryphees among the pew-openers and philanthropic spinsters of the
+various parishes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. M'Chrustie (in the washing-room of the Minerva
+Club)._ "Look here, waiter, what's the meaning of this? These brushes
+are as beastly grimy as if they'd been blacking boots----!" _Waiter._
+"Yes, sir: it's them members from the 'Junior Theshpian,' sir--as are
+'ere now, sir. They do dye theirselves to that degree----!"
+
+    [_Mr. M'C. rushes off and writes furiously to the Committee!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What were the "palmy" days of the drama?
+
+_A._ When they were first-rate hands at acting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR ALL DRAMATIC PERFORMERS.--"Act well your part."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BAND-BOX.--An orchestra.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What an awful voice that man's got!" said the manager, who was
+listening to the throaty tenor.
+
+"Call that a voice," said his friend; "it's a disease!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PRIVATE BOX.--A sentry box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "You can't sit there, mum. These here seats are
+reserved."
+
+"You don't seem to be aware that I'm one of the directors' wives!"
+
+"And if you was his _only_ wife, mum, I couldn't let you sit here."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+During the dull season a certain manager has issued such a number of his
+autographs in order to ensure the proper filling of his house that he
+has in playfulness conferred on it the nickname of the ordertorium.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT MANAGERS, ACTRESSES, AND SPECTATORS ALL WANT.--A good dressing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTMAS MUSIC FOR THEATRES.--The "waits" between the acts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What we want for the British drama generally is not so much native
+talent as imagi-native talent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE MUSIC HALLS.--The birds that fly by night--the acro-bats.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONFRERES.--_Master Jacky (who took part in some school
+theatricals last term,--suddenly, to eminent tragedian who has come to
+call)._ "I say, you know--I act!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA
+
+"What, back already, Archie! Was it a dull piece, then?"
+
+"Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and
+didn't see a soul I knew!--so I came away."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ TO
+STICK TO HIS LAST.
+
+_Fair Matron._ "I remember your acting '_Sir Anthony_,' _years_ ago,
+when I was a girl, Sir Charles! You did it splendidly!"
+
+_The Great Mathematician._ "Ah, would you believe it, that bit of acting
+brought me more compliments than anything I ever did?"
+
+_Fair Matron._ "I should _think_ so, indeed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMPANY THAT FREQUENTLY FILLS A THEATRE BETTER THAN A DRAMATIC
+ONE.--The Stationers' Company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The managers of Drury Lane, Gaiety, Alhambra and Empire Theatres ought
+_ex-officio_ to be members of the Worshipful Guild of Spectacle-makers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "_Walking Lady_" (_late for rehearsal_). "Oh, I'm so
+sorry to be late! I _do_ hope you haven't all been waiting for me?"
+
+_Stage Manager_ (_icily_). "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the
+gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNKIND CUT.--_Amateur._ "It was very kind of you to
+come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my
+_Hamlet_? Pretty good?" _Professional_ (_feigning ecstasy_). "Oh, my
+dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,--really I assure you, good's not the
+word!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Critic._ "Well, have you seen the great tragedian
+in _Romeo and Juliet_?"
+
+_Second ditto._ "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my
+ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CROWDED HOUSE
+
+_Angry Voice_ (_from a back seat_). "Ears off in front there, please!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA
+
+_The Marquis_ (_in the play_). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a
+gen'leman?"
+
+_Lord Adolphus_ (_spendthrift heir_). "You 'ave!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "STARTLING EFFECTS!"
+
+_Peep-Showman._ "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin'
+along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights
+means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"----
+
+_Small Boy_ (_with his eye to the aperture_). "But what's the yaller
+light, sir?"
+
+_Peep-Showman_ (_slow and impressive_). "There ain't no yaller
+light--but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and
+the red lights si'nif----"
+
+_Small Boy_ (_persistently_). "But wha's the other light, sir?"
+
+_Peep-Showman_ (_losing patience_). "Tell yer there ain't no"----(_takes
+a look--in consternation_)--"Blowed if the darned old show ain't
+a-fire!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT
+
+     ["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It
+     has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of
+     nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."--_The
+     Outlook._]
+
+  SCENE--_Nowhere in particular._
+
+  CHARACTERS.
+
+  HE, _a nonentity_.
+
+  SHE, _another_.
+
+_He._ Dear----!
+
+_She_ (_wearily_). Oh please don't. [_Does nothing._
+
+_He._ Why, what's the matter?
+
+_She._ Nothing.
+
+    [_He does nothing._
+
+_She._ Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow.
+(_Yawns._) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know
+why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on.
+
+_He._ All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I
+love you--will you marry me?
+
+_She_ (_very wearily_). Oh, I suppose so.
+
+_He._ Thanks very much. (_Kisses her._) There!
+    [_Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing._
+
+_She_ (_with sudden excitement_). Supposing I had said "No," would
+you have shot yourself?--would you have gone to the front?--would
+your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting
+have happened?
+
+_He_ (_with a great determination in his eyes_). Had you spurned my
+love----
+
+_She_ (_excitedly_). Yes, yes?
+
+_He_ (_with emotion_).--I should have--I should have--done nothing.
+    [_Does it._
+
+_She._ Oh!
+
+_He._ Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing
+of that sort had happened it would have been _off_ the stage. I
+hope I know my place.
+
+    [_She does nothing._
+
+_He_ (_politely_). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here?
+If not, we might----
+
+_She._ We must wait till somebody else comes on.
+
+_He._ True. (_Reflects deeply._) Er--do you mote much?
+
+    [_She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW HE OUGHT _NOT_ TO LOOK
+
+_Excited Prompter_ (_to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is
+working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume_).
+"Now then, Walker, _LOOK ALIVE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.--"MACBETH"
+
+       "Infirm of purpose!
+Give me the daggers."--_Act II. Sc. 2._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--I.
+
+_Miss Birdie Vandeleur ("Society's Pet"--vide her advertisements
+passim) bawls the refrain of her latest song_:--
+
+  "Ow, I am sow orferly _shy_, boys!
+  I am, and I kennot tell wy, boys!
+   Some dy, wen I'm owlder,
+   Per'aps I'll git bowlder,
+  But naow I am orfer-ly shy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.--II. The Illustrative Method.
+
+  'E's not a _tall_ man--Nor a _short_ man--But he's just the man for me.'
+
+  "Not in the army--Nor the nivy--But the royal artill-er-ee!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ATTENTION AT THE PLAY.
+
+    (_As performed at many London Theatres_)
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box._
+
+    TIME--_Towards the end of the First Act of an established success._
+
+    PRESENT--_A party of Four._
+
+_No. 1_ (_gazing through opera glasses_). A good house. Do you know
+anyone?
+
+_No. 2._ Not a soul. Stay--aren't those the Fitzsnooks?
+
+_No. 3_ (_also using a magnifier_). You mean the woman in the red
+feather at the end of the third row of the stalls?
+
+_No. 4._ You have spotted them. They have got Bobby Tenterfore with
+them. You know, the Johnnie in the F. O.
+
+_No. 1._ I thought Mr. Tenterfore was at Vienna.
+
+_No. 4._ No; he _was_ going, but they sent another chap. Brought
+him back from somewhere in the tropics.
+
+_No. 3._ Then what is Mr. Tenterfore doing in town?
+
+_No. 4._ Oh! come home on leave. Lots of that sort of thing at the
+F. O.
+
+_No. 1_ (_having grown weary of looking at the audience_). By the
+way, _a propos de bottes_, I have some money to invest. Can you
+suggest anything?
+
+_No. 3._ They say that Diddlers Deferred will turn up trumps.
+
+_No. 1._ What do you mean by that? I only want to pop in and out
+between the accounts.
+
+_No. 3._ Then the Diddlers ought to suit you. They rose six last
+week, and ought to touch ten before settling day.
+
+_No. 1._ Then I am on. Thanks very much for the information. Ah!
+the curtain has fallen. So much for the first act! (_Enter
+visitor._) Ah! how are you? Where are you?
+
+_Visitor._ Well, I have got a stall, but I have only just come into
+the house. What are they playing?
+
+_No. 2._ I am sure I don't know; but if you are curious about it,
+here's the programme.
+
+_Visitor._ And what's it all about?
+
+_No. 1_ (_on behalf of self and companions_). We haven't the
+faintest notion.
+
+     [_Conversation becomes general, and remains so until the end of the
+     evening, regardless of the dialogue on the stage side of the
+     curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MELODRAMA IN THE SUBURBS.--_Elder Sister._ "Do give up,
+Nellie! They're only acting." _Nellie_ (_tearfully_). "You leave me
+alone. I'm enjoying it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.--_Doctor._ "No, my dear sir, we must
+keep ourselves quiet for the present. No stimulants--nothing more
+exciting than gruel. Gruel for breakfast, gruel for luncheon, gruel for
+dinner, gruel for----" _Peter Pundoleful_ (_a noted burlesque
+writer--though you wouldn't have thought it to look at him--rousing
+himself suddenly_). "Ah! my dear doctor, why is there not a society for
+the prevention of gruelty to animals?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY
+
+     RALPH ESSENDEAN, _aged about fifty, is discovered at a
+     writing-desk. He studies a newspaper, from which he reads aloud,
+     thoughtfully:--"So that a successful play may bring its author
+     anything from five to twenty thousand pounds." He lays down the
+     paper, mutters, "H'm!" and taking up a pencil bites it
+     meditatively. Enter Mrs. Essendean._
+
+_Mrs. Essendean_ (_crossing to Ralph, and placing her hand on his
+shoulder, asks affectionately_). Well, dear, and how is the play getting
+on?
+
+_Ralph_ (_irritably_). You talk of the play, Matilda, as though it were
+possible to write a four-act drama in ten minutes. The play is not
+getting on at all well, for the simple reason that I am only just
+thinking out the idea.
+
+_Mrs. Essendean_ (_seating herself by the table_). How nice, dear! And
+what _is_ the idea?
+
+_Ralph_ (_grimly_). That is just what I am wondering about. Now if you
+will kindly retire to the kitchen and make an omelette, or discharge the
+cook, I shall be obliged.
+
+    [_Leans over his desk._
+
+_Mrs. E._ But, dear, I am sure the cook is a most excellent servant,
+and----
+
+_Ralph_ (_turning round and speaking with repressed exasperation_). That
+was simply my attempt at a humorous explanation of my wish to be alone,
+Matilda.
+
+_Mrs. E._ (_smiling indulgently and rising_). Well, dear, of course if
+it's going to be a _funny_ play, I know you would like to be alone.
+(_Pausing at the open door._) And will you read it to us after dinner?
+You know the Willoughby-Smythes will be here, and Mr. and Mrs. Vallance
+from the Bank are coming in afterwards. I am sure they would like to
+hear it.
+
+_Ralph_ (_irritably_). The play isn't written yet. (_Plaintively._) _Do_
+go!
+
+_Mrs. E._ (_sweetly_). I'm sure you'd like to be alone. Don't keep
+dinner waiting.
+
+     [_Beams on him affectionately and exits. Ralph gives a sigh of
+     relief, rumples his hair, and then writes for a few minutes. Then
+     pauses, leans back, biting his pencil, when the door is flung open,
+     and a very good imitation of a whirlwind bursts into the room. The
+     whirlwind is a robust person of forty, he has a large round red
+     face fringed with sandy whiskers, and is one mass of health and
+     happiness. He wears Norfolk jacket, knickerbockers, gaiters and
+     thick boots, and carries a golfing bag. He slaps Ralph heartily on
+     the back, and laughs boisterously. Ralph collapses._
+
+_Tom_ (_heartily_). How are you? Going strong--what? Asked the wife for
+you, and she told me you were in here writing a play. Rippin' idea--what?
+
+_Ralph_ (_worried, but striving to be pleasant and polite_). What do you
+want, old chap?
+
+_Tom_ (_cheerfully_). Nothin' particular, only just to see how you were
+gettin' on--what? Do you good to have half an hour out, just a few
+holes--golf--what?
+
+_Ralph_ (_with great self-restraint_). Thanks, old man. Not now. You
+don't mind my asking you to leave me to myself a bit?
+
+_Tom_ (_amiably rising and picking up his bag_). All right, old chap,
+you know best--what? Thought I'd just look in--hey?--what? Well, I'm
+off. (_Goes to door, thinks for a moment, and then turns round._) I say,
+I know Thingummy's acting manager. If I can put in a word about your
+play--hey?--what?
+
+_Ralph_ (_rises hurriedly. Shakes hands with Tom, and skilfully
+manoeuvres him into the passage, then calls after him_). Good-bye, old
+man, and many thanks. (_Closes the door and returns to his desk,
+grinding his teeth._) Confound him! (_Takes up paper and writes a few
+lines, then reads aloud._) "Puffington puts the letter in his pocket and
+passes his hand through his hair. He groans 'O, why did I ever write
+those letters? I know Flossie, and this means fifty pounds at least, and
+if ever my mother-in-law gets to hear of it! O lor, here she is'" (_Puts
+down the paper and looks up at the ceiling._) Now, speaking to myself as
+one man to another, I can't help thinking that this sort of thing has
+been done before. I seem to have heard it somewhere. I'll--I'll--try a
+fresh start. (_Writes hurriedly for a few minutes and then reads._)
+"Scene.--Fashionable watering place, the beach is crowded; on the pier
+the band is playing a dreamy waltz. Edwin and Maud are discovered in an
+open boat. _Edwin._ You must be tired of rowing, sweetest; come and
+steer. _Maud._ Just as you like, darling. (_As they change seats the
+boat capsizes. After clinging for twenty minutes to the upturned keel,
+they are rescued by a passing steamer._)" That's all right for a
+"situation," but there seems a lack of dialogue. They can't very well
+talk while they are clinging to the boat; and what the deuce could they
+be talking about before? If I let them drown I shall have to introduce
+fresh characters. Bother! (_Meditates with frowning brow._) Playwriting
+appears to present more difficulties than I thought. (_Takes up a
+newspaper._) "May bring in anything from five to twenty thousand
+pounds!" Sounds tempting, but I wonder how it's done?
+
+     [_Takes a cigar from the mantelpiece, lights it, and, seating
+     himself near the fire, smokes thoughtfully. Gradually his head
+     sinks back on to the top of the chair, the cigar drops from his
+     relaxed fingers, and as he sleeps, the shadow of a smile breaks
+     across his face. An hour elapses; he is still sleeping. Enter Mrs.
+     Essendean, who brushes against the writing-table and sweeps the
+     sheets of manuscript to the ground._
+
+_Mrs. Essendean_ (_crossing to Ralph and lightly shaking him_). My dear,
+my dear, not dressed yet! Do you know the time--just the half-hour.
+
+
+(_Ralph starts up._) Eh? (_Looks at the clock._) Nearly half past, by
+Jove! I shan't be two seconds.
+
+    [_Rushes hastily from the room._
+
+_Mrs. Essendean (picks up the extinguished cigar, and drops it daintily
+into the fire. Looks round the room and sees the littering
+manuscript._) What an untidy old thing it is! (_Picks up the sheets,
+crumples them into a ball and throws them into the waste-paper basket._)
+There, that looks better.
+
+    [_Gazes into the mirror, pats her hair, and exit._
+
+    (_End of the play._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARADOXICAL.--_Ethel._ "It was a most wonderful
+performance, Aunt Tabitha! First, she was shot out of a cannon's mouth
+on to a trapeze fifteen yards above the orchestra, and then she swung
+herself up till she stood on a rope on one leg at least a hundred and
+twenty feet above our heads!" _Aunt Tabitha._ "Ah! I always think a
+woman _lowers_ herself when she does that!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FORM
+
+_First Masher._ "Let's stop and look at Punch and Judy, old chappie!
+I've heard it's as good as a play."
+
+_Second Masher._ "I dessay it is, my brave boy. But we ain't dressed,
+you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS
+
+SCENE: _Mr. Foote Lyter's back Drawing-room. Private Theatricals. Dress
+Rehearsal._
+
+_Mr. Foote Lyter._ "I say, Drawle, while the Duke is having his scene
+with Dora, where am _I_ to stand!" _Captain Drawle_ (_amateur stage
+manager_). "Well--er--my dear fellow--er--er--it's your own house, you
+know--_you can stand where you like_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POINT OF VIEW.--_Exasperated Old Gentleman_ (_to lady
+in front of him_). "Excuse me, madam, but my seat has cost me ten
+shillings, and I want to see. Your hat----" _The Lady._ "My hat has cost
+me ten _guineas_, sir, and I want it to _be seen_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Tomkins, who has recently made his appearance _en
+amateur_ as the Melancholy Dane, goes to have his photograph taken "in
+character." Unfortunately, on reaching the corner of the street, he
+finds _the road is up_, and he has to walk to the door! Tableau!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Clever Juvenile_ (_loq._). "Shakspeare? Pooh! For my
+part I consider Shakspeare a very much over-rated man."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME
+
+_Astonished Friend._ "Why!--Why! What on earth are these?"
+
+_Manager._ "These? Oh! These are _fairies_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S PATENT MATINEE HAT.
+
+Fitted with binocular glasses for the benefit of those sitting behind
+its wearer.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HEARD AT A PROVINCIAL CIRCUS.--_Wag_ (_to unfortunate
+small gent, who has vainly endeavoured to persuade lady to remove her
+hat_). "Don't you see she's got a bird in her hat, sitting? You wouldn't
+have the lady addle-headed, would you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AMATEURS.--_Suburban Roscius._ "Ah, I saw you were at
+our 'theatricals' the other night. How did you like my assumption of
+_Hamlet_?" _Candid Friend._ "My dear f'llar--great'st piece of
+assumption I ever saw i' m' life!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+_Eminent Provincial Tragedian._ "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr
+tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!"
+
+_Sweet One._ "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, 'cause I was so
+sleepy!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE"
+
+_Our Philanthropist_ (_who often takes the shilling gallery_--_to his
+neighbour_). "Only a middling house."
+
+_Unwashed Artisan._ "Ay--that sixpence extry, 'rather heavy for the
+likes o' huz, y'know. But there's one thing--it keeps out the
+riff-raff!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DRAMA.--_AEsthetic Critic_ (_at the club, after the
+theatre_). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the
+_denoument_ in _Romeo and Juliet_? Two lovers, both dying in the same
+vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could----"
+
+_Cynical Old Bachelor_ (_who has evidently never read the play_).
+"Um--'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Distinguished Amateur_ (_about to make his first
+appearance in public at a concert for the people_). "Oh, I _do_ feel so
+nervous!" _Sympathetic Friend._ "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous,
+my dear fellow. They applaud _anything_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S POINT OF VIEW.--_Mamma_ (_to Maud, who has
+been with her brother to the play, and is full of it_). "But was there
+no _love_ in the piece, then?" _Maud._ "_Love?_ Oh dear no, mamma. The
+principal characters were _husband and wife_, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LA COMEDIE FRANCAISE
+
+_Jones_ (_who understands French so well, although he does not speak
+it_), _reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety_:--"'Le
+Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gender _should_ the man be, I should
+like to know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES," ETC.--_The Bishop._ "I
+hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a
+wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't
+it?"
+
+_Lady Godiva._ "Yes--a--but I dislike those bare-backed performances.
+They're so risky, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A very cold audience. (Suggestion for the stalls in
+mid-winter)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY"
+
+"Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at
+ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!"
+
+"A--no--I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy,
+refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French
+plays!"
+
+"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Francais, alors?"
+
+"A--I beg your pardon?"
+
+"Je vous demande si vous savez le Francais, parbleu! Cruche, Melon,
+Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Cretin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous etes?"
+
+"A--quite so! No doubt! A--by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR
+
+     SCENE--_Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill
+     forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown,
+     Jones, and Robinson._
+
+_Brown._ Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. Yes;
+I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too soon
+after dinner for anything stronger.
+
+_Jones._ Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst for
+what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer.
+
+_Robinson._ Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the
+Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, and
+really after that capital _equivoque_ one feels quite satisfied. (_They
+are served by the bar attendant._) That was really very funny, where he
+hides behind the door when she is not looking.
+
+    [_Laughs at the recollection._
+
+_Brown._ And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes the
+canary-cage!
+
+    [_Chuckles._
+
+_Jones._ Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the curtain will be
+up directly. Rather clever, I am told. The _Rose of Rouen_--it is
+founded on the life of _Joan of Arc_. I am rather fond of these
+historical studies.
+
+_Brown._ So am I. They are very interesting.
+
+_Robinson._ Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I prefer
+melodrama. Judging from the title, _The Gory Hand_ should be uncommonly
+good.
+
+    [_Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the Refreshment
+    Room._
+
+_Brown._ Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (_To bar
+attendant._) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and
+for these gentlemen too.
+
+_Jones._ Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. However,
+wants a clear head to understand it. (_Sips his soda-water._) I don't
+see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to marry the
+Englishman.
+
+_Robinson._ Ah, but that was before the vision. If you think it over
+carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you must allow
+for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding circumstances.
+
+_Brown._ Are you going to stay for _The Gory Hand_?
+
+_Jones._ Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough
+of it.
+
+_Robinson._ Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong
+scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme.
+
+_Jones._ Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different
+from the other plays.
+
+_Robinson._ Well, I don't mind horrors--in fact, like them. There goes
+the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back.
+
+_Brown._ That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta!
+
+    [_Exit Robinson._
+
+_Jones._ Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot
+understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the
+curtain.
+
+_Brown._ Yes--but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see
+by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially
+at the end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the
+assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account.
+
+_Jones._ No--it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the
+merit of being short. (_Applause._) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how
+Robinson likes it. That _tableau_ at the end, of the
+starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful!
+(_Enter Robinson, staggering in._) Why, my boy, what's the matter?
+
+_Brown._ You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it
+all to-rights!
+
+_Robinson_ (_with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror_).
+Help, help! help! (_After a long shudder._) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!
+
+    [_At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol._
+
+_Brown._ Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for
+Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like _The Bells_,
+you require supporting.
+
+    [_Curtain and moral._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Manager of "Freak" Show._ "Have I got a vacancy for a
+giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"
+
+_Candidate._ "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN IRRESISTIBLE APPEAL.--_Mrs. Blokey_ (_who has called
+with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor
+and manager_). "And I've brought you my son, who's breakin' his mother's
+'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on givin' up the city and goin' on the
+stage--and his father an alderman and 'im in his father's business, and
+all the family thought of so 'ighly in Clapham! It's a _great grief_ to
+us, _I assure_ you, Mr. Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But
+it's too late for that, I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin'
+him a leadin' part in your next piece!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR DRAMATIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.--_His Wife_
+(_reading a Sunday paper_). "_A propos of Hamlet_, they say here that
+you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the dramatic
+art!"
+
+_He._ "Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE
+
+"Yah! Waitin' ter see der _kids_ play!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Actor_ (_excitedly_). "For _two_ long _years_ have
+I----"
+
+_A Voice from above._ "So you 'ave, guv'nor!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDY
+
+Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLOURED CLERGY
+
+(_A Memory of St. James's Hall_)
+
+_Uncle_ (_can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing_).
+"Who do you say they are, my dear!--Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind
+of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no
+doubt, my dear!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUPEREROGATION
+
+_Country Maid_ (_having first seen "missus" and the children into a
+cab_). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane
+Theat----?"
+
+_Crabbed Old Cabby_ (_with expression of ineffable contempt_). "Do I
+know! Kim aup----!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones_ (_alluding to the song_). "Not bad; but I think
+the girl might have put a little more _spirit_ into it with advantage."
+
+_Lushington._ "Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE THEATRICALS.--"What on earth made you tell that
+appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient
+Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you
+know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?"
+
+"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells
+the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in
+again."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DOMESTIC DRAMA
+
+"Admit two to the boxes."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PROGRESS
+
+_Young Rustic._ "Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"
+
+_Senior_ (_after a pause_). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday
+skewl, and don't know that!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAMLET" A LA SAUCE DUMB-CRAMBO
+
+[Illustration: "Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt!"--Act I.,
+Sc. 2.]
+
+[Illustration: "I could a tail unfold!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "What a falling off was there!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "Methinks I scent the morning hair!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "Brief let me be!"--_Ibid._]
+
+[Illustration: "Lend thy serious ear-ring to what I shall unfold!"--Act
+I., Sc. 5.]
+
+[Illustration: "Toby, or not Toby? that is the question."--Act II., Sc.
+2.]
+
+[Illustration: "The King, sir."--"Ay, sir, what of him?"--"Is in his
+retirement marvellous distempered."--"With drink, sir!"--"No, my lord,
+rather with collar!"--Act III., Sc. 2.]
+
+[Illustration: "Oh, my offence is rank!"--Act III., Sc. 3.]
+
+[Illustration: "Put your bonnet to his right use--'tis for the
+head."--Act V., Sc. 2.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE THEM."
+
+_Domesticated Wife._ "Oh, George, I wish you'd just----"
+
+_Talented Husband_ (_author of various successful comic songs for music
+halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti_). "Oh, for
+goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother me _now_! You might _see_ I'm trying
+to work out some _quite_ new lines for the fairy in the transformation
+scene of the pantomime!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SENSITIVE EAR.
+
+_Intelligent Briton._ "But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the
+name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply
+torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and
+significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"
+
+_Mademoiselle._ "Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite
+English blank verse!"
+
+_Intelligent Briton._ "Of course not. I mean _French_ blank verse--the
+blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Moliere!"
+
+_Mademoiselle._ "Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"
+
+    [_Briton still tries to look intelligent._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUMB-CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES
+
+[Illustration: Drew wry lane]
+
+[Illustration: Cove in garden]
+
+[Illustration: Cry-teary 'un]
+
+[Illustration: Prints of whales]
+
+[Illustration: "A--mark it!"]
+
+[Illustration: Gay at tea]
+
+[Illustration: Princesses and royal tea]
+
+[Illustration: Globe]
+
+[Illustration: "Scent, James?"]
+
+[Illustration: Strand and "save, hoi!"]
+
+[Illustration: Only in play!]
+
+[Illustration: The actor who has his head turned with applause]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CURTAIN-RAISERS _ Extract from Ethel's
+correspondence_:--"At the last moment something went wrong with the
+curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector
+explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescue
+_nobly_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Well, how did the new play go off last night?"
+
+"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather
+effective." "_A la Lady Macbeth_, eh?"
+
+"Well--not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and
+walked out!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES
+
+I.--The "Lion Comique"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES
+
+II.--The "Serio"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC HALL TYPES
+
+III.--The "Refined Comedian"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON TOUR.--_Heavy Tragedian._ "Do you let apartments
+to--ah--the profession?" _Unsophisticated Landlady._ "Oh, yes, sir. Why,
+last week we had the performing dogs here!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ART AND NATURE. (_Overheard during the Private
+Theatricals._)--
+
+_She._ "How well your wife plays _Lady Geraldine_, Mr. Jones. I think
+the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How
+_does_ she manage it?"
+
+_Mr. Jones_ (_with embarrassment_). "Er--she doesn't. That's her natural
+voice."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONVINCING]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36529.txt or 36529.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/5/2/36529/
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/36529.zip b/36529.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a8f61ae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36529.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1d89294
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #36529 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/36529)