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diff --git a/36529-h/36529-h.htm b/36529-h/36529-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6650c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/36529-h/36529-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4140 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Punch At The Play.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; + font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + .poem + .w24 {width: 24em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + .w26 {width: 26em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + .w30 {width: 30em; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right; width: auto;} + .figleft {float: left; width: auto;} + + .img {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;} + .div {margin: 0; padding: 0;} + + pre {font-size: 75%; } + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch at the Play + Humours of Music and the Drama + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: Charles Keene + and others + +Release Date: June 27, 2011 [EBook #36529] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Cover" id="Cover">[Cover]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_cover.png"> +<img src="images/i_cover.png" width="100%" alt="title page" /></a> +</div> + +<br /> + +<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.</h3> + +<center>Some pages of this work have been moved from the original +sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. +The page numbering remains unaltered.</center> +<br /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + +<h3>PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3><br /> + +<center>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. A. Hammerton</span></center> +<br /> +<p>Designed to provide in a series +of volumes, each complete in itself, +the cream of our national humour, +contributed by the masters of +comic draughtsmanship and the +leading wits of the age to "Punch," +from its beginning in 1841 to the +present day.</p> + +<br /> + +<h1>MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY</h1> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_002.png"> +<img src="images/i_002.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_003.png"> +<img src="images/i_003.png" width="100%" alt="Me mind is made up" /></a> +<p><i>Actor (on the stage).</i> "Me mind is made up!"</p> +<p><i>Voice from the Gallery.</i> "What abeaout yer fice?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY</h2> + +<h3>HUMOURS OF MUSIC AND THE DRAMA</h3> + +<center><i>WITH 140 ILLUSTRATIONS</i></center> +<br /> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/i_004.png"> +<img src="images/i_004.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<br /> +<p>BY CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY,<br /> +GEORGE DU MAURIER, BERNARD PARTRIDGE,<br /> +L. RAVEN-HILL, E. T. REED,<br /> +F. H. TOWNSEND, C. E. BROCK,<br /> +A. S. BOYD, TOM BROWNE,<br /> +EVERARD HOPKINS AND OTHERS</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<center>PUBLISHED BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH THE<br /> +PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"</center> + +<h4>THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD</h4>. + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + +<h3>THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR</h3> + +<center><i>Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated</i> + +<br /><br /> +LIFE IN LONDON<br /> +COUNTRY LIFE<br /> +IN THE HIGHLANDS<br /> +SCOTTISH HUMOUR<br /> +IRISH HUMOUR<br /> +COCKNEY HUMOUR<br /> +IN SOCIETY<br /> +AFTER DINNER STORIES<br /> +IN BOHEMIA<br /> +AT THE PLAY<br /> +MR. PUNCH AT HOME<br /> +ON THE CONTINONG<br /> +RAILWAY BOOK<br /> +AT THE SEASIDE<br /> +MR. PUNCH AFLOAT<br /> +IN THE HUNTING FIELD<br /> +MR. PUNCH ON TOUR<br /> +WITH ROD AND GUN<br /> +MR. PUNCH AWHEEL<br /> +BOOK OF SPORTS<br /> +GOLF STORIES<br /> +IN WIG AND GOWN<br /> +ON THE WARPATH<br /> +BOOK OF LOVE<br /> +WITH THE CHILDREN<br /> +</center> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_005.png"> +<img src="images/i_005.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_006.png"> +<img src="images/i_006.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch introduces" /></a> +</div> + +<h2>BEFORE THE CURTAIN</h2> + +<p>Most of the <span class="smcap">Punch</span> artists of note have used their pencils on the +theatre; with theatricals public and private none has done more than Du +Maurier. All have made merry over the extravagances of melodrama and +"problem" plays; the vanity and the mistakes of actors, actresses and +dramatists; and the blunderings of the average playgoer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> genially satirises the aristocratic amateurs who, some few +years ago, made frantic rushes into the profession, and for a while +enjoyed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> more kudos as actors than they had obtained as titled members +of the upper circle, and the exaggerated social status that for the time +accrued to the professional actor as a consequence of this invasion.</p> + +<p>The things he has written about the stage, quite apart from all +reviewing of plays, would more than fill a book of itself; and he has +slyly and laughingly satirised players, playwrights and public with an +equal impartiality.</p> + +<p>He has got a deal of fun out of the French dramas and the affected +pleasure taken in them by audiences that did not understand the +language. He has got even more fun out of the dramatists whose "original +plays" were largely translated from the French, and to whom Paris was, +and to some extent is still, literally and figuratively "a playground."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_007.png"> +<img src="images/i_007.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch with mask." /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<h2>MR. PUNCH AT THE PLAY</h2> +<br /> +<h2>SOMETHING FOR THE MONEY</h2> +<br /> +<center>(<i>From the Playgoers' Conversation Book. Coming Edition.</i>)</center> +<br /> +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_008.png"> +<img src="images/i_008.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch shown to his seat." /></a> +</div> + +<p>I have only paid three guineas and a half for this stall, but it is +certainly stuffed with the very best hair.</p> + +<p>The people in the ten-and-sixpenny gallery seem fairly pleased with +their dado.</p> + +<p>I did not know the call-boy was at Eton.</p> + +<p>The expenses of this house must be enormous, if they always play <i>Box +and Cox</i> with a rasher of real Canadian bacon.</p> + +<p>How nice to know that the musicians, though out of sight under the +stage, are in evening dress on velvet cushions!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> + +<p>Whoever is the author of this comedy, he has not written up with spirit +to that delightful Louis the Fifteenth linen cupboard.</p> + +<p>I cannot catch a word "Macbeth" is saying, but I can see at a glance +that his kilt would be extremely cheap at seventy pounds.</p> + +<p>I am not surprised to hear that the "Tartar's lips" for the cauldron +alone add nightly something like fifty-five-and-sixpence to the +expenses.</p> + +<p>Do not bother me about the situation when I am looking at the quality of +the velvet pile.</p> + +<p>Since the introduction of the <i>live</i> hedgehog into domestic drama +obliged the management to raise the second-tier private boxes to forty +guineas, the Duchess has gone into the slips with an order.</p> + +<p>They had, perhaps, better take away the champagne-bottle and the +diamond-studded whistle from the prompter.</p> + +<p>Ha! here comes the chorus of villagers, provided with real silk +pocket-handkerchiefs.</p> + +<p>It is all this sort of thing that elevates the drama, and makes me so +contented to part with a ten-pound note for an evening's amusement.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_010.png"> +<img src="images/i_010.png" width="100%" alt="You get yer fortygraphs" /></a> +<p><i>Pantomime Child (to admiring friend).</i> "Yus, and there's +another hadvantage in bein' a hactress. You get yer fortygraphs took for +noffink!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Height of Literary Necessity.</span>—"Spouting" Shakspeare.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">When</span> are parsons bound in honour not to abuse theatres?<br /> + +When they take orders.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What Vote the Manager of a Theatre always has</span>.—The "casting" vote.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Stand not on the Order of your Going.</span>"—An amiable manager says the +orders which he issues for the pit and gallery are what in his opinion +constitute "the lower orders."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Great Theatrical Effect.</span>—During a performance of <i>Macbeth</i> at the +Haymarket, the thunder was so natural that it turned sour a pint of beer +in the prompter's-box.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_012.png"> +<img src="images/i_012.png" width="100%" alt="The Drama" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Drama.</span></h3> +<p>"'Ere, I say, 'Liza, we've seen this 'ere +play before!" "No, we ain't." [<i>Wordy argument follows.</i>] "Why, don't +you remember, same time as Bill took us to the 'Pig an' Whistle,' an' we +'ad stewed eels for supper?" "Oh lor! Yes, that takes me back to it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_013.png"> +<img src="images/i_013.png" width="100%" alt="TRUE APPRECIATION" /></a> +<h3>TRUE APPRECIATION</h3> +<center>(<i>Overheard at the Theatre</i>)</center> +<p><i>Mrs. Parvenu.</i> "I don't know that I'm exackly <i>gone</i> on Shakspeare +Plays."</p> +<p> [<i>Mr. P. agrees.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_014.png"> +<img src="images/i_014.png" width="100%" alt="Do you play ping-pong" /></a> +<p><i>Conversationalist.</i> "Do you play ping-pong?"</p> +<p><i>Actor.</i> "No. I play <i>Hamlet</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">To Actors who are not worth a Thought.</span>—We notice that there is a book +called "Acting and Thinking." This is to distinguish it, we imagine, +from the generality of acting, in which there is mostly no thinking?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Crusher.</span>—<i>Country Manager (to Mr. Agrippa Snap, the great London +critic, who has come down to see the production of a piece on trial.</i>) +And what do you think, sir, of our theatre and our players?</p> + +<p><i>Agrippa Snap (loftily).</i> Well, frankly, Mr. Flatson, your green-room's +better than your company.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_015.png"> +<img src="images/i_015.png" width="100%" alt="The higher walk" /></a> +<p>The higher walk of the drama</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_016.png"> +<img src="images/i_016.png" width="100%" alt="can you do that" /></a> +<p>"Auntie, can <i>you</i> do that?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> + +<p>Theatrical managers are so often accused of being unable to break with +tradition, that it seems only fair to point out that several of them +have recently produced plays, in which the character of "Hamlet" does +not appear at all.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ON A DRAMATIC AUTHOR</h3> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Yes, he's a plagiarist," from Tom this fell,</p> +<p class="i2">"As to his social faults, sir, one excuses 'em;</p> +<p class="i0">'Cos he's good natured, takes a joke so well."</p> +<p class="i2">"True," cries an author, "he takes mine and uses 'em."</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE MANAGER'S COMPLAINT</h2> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">She danced among the unfinished ways</p> +<p class="i2">That merge into the Strand,</p> +<p class="i0">A maid whom none could fail to praise,</p> +<p class="i2">And very few withstand.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">A sylph, accepted for the run,</p> +<p class="i2">Not at a weekly wage;</p> +<p class="i0">Fair as a star when only one</p> +<p class="i2">Is shining on the stage.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">She met a lord, and all men know</p> +<p class="i2">How soon she'd done with me;</p> +<p class="i0">Now she is in <i>Debrett</i>, oh, and,</p> +<p class="i2">That's where they all would be!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_018.png"> +<img src="images/i_018.png" width="100%" alt="A First Night" /></a> +<h3>A First Night.</h3> +<p><i>Indignant Playwright (to leading actor, +behind the scenes).</i> "Confound it, man, you've absolutely murdered the +piece!" <i>Leading Actor.</i> "Pardon me, but I think the foul play is +yours!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Smart.</i> How do, Smooth? (<i>to theatrical manager, who frowns upon him</i>). +What's the matter, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Smooth.</i> Matter? Hang it, Smart, you wrote me down in "The Stinger."</p> + +<p><i>Smart (repressing something Shakspearian about "writing down" which +occurs to him, continues pleasantly).</i> Wrote you down? No, I said the +piece was a bad one, because I thought it was; a very bad one.</p> + +<p><i>Smooth.</i> Bad! (<i>Sarcastically.</i>) You were the only man who said so.</p> + +<p><i>Smart (very pleasantly).</i> My dear fellow, <i>I was the only man who saw +it.</i> Good-bye.</p> + +<p> [<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for a Box-Office Keeper.</span>—"So much for booking 'em."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"A considerable demonstration of approval greeted the fall of the +curtain." How are we to take this?</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_020.png"> +<img src="images/i_020.png" width="100%" alt="" /></a> +<h3>"The Desire of the Moth for the Star.</h3>" +<p><i>Mistress.</i> "And you dare to tell me, Belinda, that you have actually answered a <i>theatrical +advertisement</i>? How <i>could</i> you be such a <i>wicked</i> girl?" <i>Belinda +(whimpering).</i> "Well, mum,—<i>other</i> young lidies—gow on +the—stige—why shouldn't <i>I</i> gow?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_021.png"> +<img src="images/i_021.png" width="100%" alt="Counter-Check Quarrelsome" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Counter-Check Quarrelsome.</span></h3> +<p><i>Mr. Æsopus Delasparre.</i> "I will ask you to favour me, madam, by refraining from laughing at me +on the stage during my third act." <i>Miss Jones (sweetly).</i> "Oh, but I +assure you you're mistaken, Mr. Delasparre; I never laugh at you on the +stage—I wait till I get home!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_022.png"> +<img src="images/i_022.png" width="100%" alt="Sweeping Assertion" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Sweeping Assertion.</span></h3> +<p>"The other night, at the Novelty +Theatre, Mrs. Vere-Jones was gowned simply in a <i>clinging</i> black velvet, +with a cloak of same handsomely trimmed with ermine."—<i>Extract from +Society Journal.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> + +<h2>DRAMATIC NOTES OF THE FUTURE</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[A little cheild is the hero of <i>Everybody's Secret</i>; the curtain +rises upon four little cheildren in <i>Her Own Way</i>; there are +cheildren of various ages in <i>Alice-Sit-by-the-fire</i>.]</p></blockquote> + +<p>Mr. Barrie's new play, <i>The Admirable Crèche</i>, will be presented +to-morrow. We understand that there is a pretty scene in the third act +in which several grown-ups are discovered smoking cigars. It may +confidently be predicted that all the world will rush to the "Duke of +York's" to see this novelty. <i>The Admirable Crèche</i> will be preceded at +8.30 by <i>Bassinette—A Plea for a Numerous Family</i>, a one-act play by +Theodore Roosevelt and Louis N. Parker.</p> + +<p>Little Baby Wilkins is making quite a name with her wonderful rendering +of "Perdita" in the Haymarket version of <i>A Winter's Tale</i>. As soon as +actor-manager Wilkins realised the necessity of cutting the last two +acts (in which "Perdita" is grown up) the play was bound to succeed. By +the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> way, Mr. E. H. Cooper's new book, "Perditas I have Known," is +announced.</p> + +<p>Frankly, we are disappointed in Mr. Pinero's new play, <i>Little Arthur</i>, +produced at Wyndham's last week. It treated of the old old theme—the +love of the hero for his nurse. To be quite plain, this stale triangle, +mother—son—nurse, is beginning to bore us. Are there no other themes +in every-day life which Mr. Pinero might take? Could he not, for +instance, give us an analysis of the mind of a young genius torn between +the necessity for teething and the desire to edit a great daily? Duty +calls him both ways: his duty to himself and his duty to the public. +Imagine a Wilkins in such a scene!</p> + +<p>The popular editor of the "Nursery," whose unrivalled knowledge of +children causes him to be referred to everywhere as our greatest +playwright, is a little at sea in his latest play, <i>Rattles</i>. In the +first act he rashly introduces (though by this time he should know his +own limitations) two grown-ups at lunch—Mr. Jones the father, and Dr. +Brown, who discuss Johnny's cough. Now we would point out to Mr. Crouper +that men of their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> age would be unlikely to have milk for lunch; and +that they would not say "Yeth, pleath"—unless of Hebraic origin, and +Mr. Crouper does not say so anywhere. Mr. Crouper must try and see +something of grown-ups before he writes a play of this kind again.</p> + +<p>We regret to announce that Cecil Tomkins, <i>doyen</i> of actor-managers, is +down again with mumps.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_024.png"> +<img src="images/i_024.png" width="100%" alt="MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART" /></a> +<h3>MODERN IMPRESSIONIST ART. A MUSICAL COMEDY</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_026.png"> +<img src="images/i_026.png" width="100%" alt="AT THE PREMIÈRE" /></a> +<h3>AT THE PREMIÈRE</h3> +<p><i>Lady in Front Row (to her neighbour, towards the end of the second +act).</i> "Who is this man next me, who's just come in,—do you know? He +doesn't seem to be paying the smallest attention to the play!"</p> +<p><i>Her Neighbour.</i> "Oh, I expect he's a critic. He's probably made up his +mind long ago what he's going to say of the piece; but he's just dropped +in to <i>confirm his suspicions</i>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">No First-Nighter.</span>—<i>First Man in the Street.</i> See the eclipse last +night?</p> + +<p><i>Second Man in the Street.</i> No. Thought it might be crowded. Put off +going till next week.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_027.png"> +<img src="images/i_027.png" width="100%" alt="THE BILL OF THE PLAY" /></a> +<h3>THE BILL OF THE PLAY</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_028.png"> +<img src="images/i_028.png" width="100%" alt="Amenities of the Profession" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Amenities of the Profession.</span></h3> +<p><i>Rising Young Dramatist.</i> "Saw your wife in front last night. What did she think of my new +comedy?"</p> +<p><i>Brother Playwright</i>. "Oh, I think she liked it. She told me she had a +good laugh."</p> +<p><i>R. Y. D.</i> "Ah—er—when was that?"</p> +<p><i>B. P.</i> "During the <i>entr'acte</i>. One of the attendants dropped an ice +down her neighbour's neck."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_029.png"> +<img src="images/i_029.png" width="100%" alt="HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN" /></a> +<h3>THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN</h3> +<p><i>Dora</i> (<i>consulting a playbill</i>). "Only fancy! '<i>As You Like It</i>' is by +Shakspeare!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_030.png"> +<img src="images/i_030.png" width="100%" alt="Private Theatricals" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Private Theatricals.</span></h3> +<p><span class="smcap">A Rehearsal.</span>—<i>The Captain.</i> "At +this stage of the proceedings I've got to kiss you, Lady Grace. Will +your husband mind, do you think?"</p> +<p><i>Lady Grace.</i> "Oh no! It's for a <i>charity</i>, you know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_031.png"> +<img src="images/i_031.png" width="100%" alt="An Infant Roscius" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">An Infant Roscius.</span></h3> +<p><i>Stage Manager</i> (<i>interviewing +children with the idea of engaging them for a new play</i>). "Has this +child been on the stage?"</p> +<p><i>Proud Mother.</i> "No; but he's been on an inquest, and he speaks up +fine!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_032.png"> +<img src="images/i_032.png" width="100%" alt="A Soliloquy" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Soliloquy.</span></h3> +<p><i>Tragedian.</i> "Cheap. Ha, ha! Why in my time +they <i>threw</i> them at us!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_033.png"> +<img src="images/i_033.png" width="100%" alt="did you enjoy the play" /></a> +<p>"Well, papa, how did you enjoy the play to-night?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I think I enjoyed it fairly well, my dear. I've got a general sort +of idea that I didn't go to sleep over it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_034.png"> +<img src="images/i_034.png" width="100%" alt=" what a pity" /></a> +<p><i>Enthusiastic Lady Amateur.</i> "Oh, what a pity! We've just +missed the first act!"</p> +<p><i>Languid Friend.</i> "Have we? Ah—rather glad. I always think the chief +pleasure of going to a theatre is trying to make out what the first act +was about!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theatrical.</span>—When it is announced that an actor will be supported by the +<i>entire</i> company, it is not thereby meant that the said professional is +sustained in his arduous part solely by draughts of Barclay, Perkins and +Co.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>The wretch who refuses to take his wife to the theatre deserves to be +made to sit out a play.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Good "Piece" of Furniture for Theatrical Managers.</span>—A chest of +"drawers."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Regeneration of the British Drama.</span>—There are at this moment three +English managers in Paris "in search of novelty!" More: three +distinguished members of the Dramatic Authors' Society started for +France last night.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">As Good as a Play.</span>"—Performing a funeral.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Plant in Season.</span>—Now is the time of year when managers of theatres +show a botanical taste, for there is not one of them who does not do his +best to have a great rush at his doors.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Dramatic Author's Playground.</span>—Paris.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Theatrical Note.</span>—<i>Net</i> profits are generally the result of a good +"<i>cast</i>."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_036.png"> +<img src="images/i_036.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_037.png"> +<img src="images/i_037.png" width="100%" alt="first Quart O" /></a> +<h3>"Shakspeare and the first Quart O"</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_038.png"> +<img src="images/i_038.png" width="100%" alt="last Quart O" /></a> +<h3>"Shakspeare and the last Quart O"</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">A Dubious Compliment.</span>.—<i>Rector's Wife</i> (<i>after harvest festival</i>). +Well, Mrs. Piggleswade, how did you like the Bishop's sermon?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Piggleswade.</i> Oh! ma'am, I ain't been so much upset since my old +man took me to the wariety theayter in London last August twelve-month, +and 'eard a gen'leman sing about his grandmother's cat.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>There was a poor actor on the Norwich circuit who squinted most +dreadfully: he was put up on one occasion for "Lear." "We must succeed," +said the manager, "for there never was a <i>Lear</i> with so strong a +<i>cast</i>."</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Richmond Dinner.</span>—A shouting actor who performs the part.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> + +<h2>BY DEPUTY</h2> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">As Shakspeare could not write his plays</p> +<p class="i2">(If Mrs. Gallup's not mistaken),</p> +<p class="i0">I think how wise in many ways</p> +<p class="i2">He was to have them done by Bacon;</p> +<p class="i0">They might have mouldered on the shelf,</p> +<p class="i2">Mere minor dramas (and he knew it!)</p> +<p class="i0">If he had written them himself</p> +<p class="i2">Instead of letting Bacon do it.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">And if it's true, as Brown and Smith</p> +<p class="i2">In many learned tomes have stated,</p> +<p class="i0">That Homer was an idle myth,</p> +<p class="i2">He ought to be congratulated;</p> +<p class="i0">Since, thus evading birth, he rose</p> +<p class="i2">For men to worship from a distance:</p> +<p class="i0">He might have penned inferior prose</p> +<p class="i2">Had he achieved a real existence.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">To him and Shakspeare some agree</p> +<p class="i2">In making very nice allusions,</p> +<p class="i0">But no one thinks of praising me,</p> +<p class="i2">For I composed my own effusions:</p> +<p class="i0">As others wrote their works divine,</p> +<p class="i2">And they immortal thus to day are,</p> +<p class="i0">If someone else had written mine</p> +<p class="i2">I might have been as great as they are!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_040.png"> +<img src="images/i_040.png" width="100%" alt="Famous Lion Comique" /></a> +<p><i>Famous Lion Comique</i> (<i>to his agent, who is not much of +a cigar smoker</i>). "What did you think of that cigar as I give you the +other day?"</p> +<p><i>Agent.</i> "Well, the first night I liked it well enough. But the second +night I didn't like it so well. And the third I didn't like it at all!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Numerous</span> applications were received by the manager of Covent Garden from +"professionals" wishing to take part in <i>The Forty Thieves</i>. It was not +found possible to offer engagements to the following (amongst others):—</p> + +<p><i>The Thief</i>—who stole a march.</p> + +<p><i>The Thief</i>—in the candle.</p> + +<p><i>The Thief</i>—who was set to catch a thief.</p> + +<p><i>The Thief</i>—who stole the "purse" and found it "trash."</p> + +<p><i>The Thief</i>—who stole up-stairs.</p> + +<p><i>The Thief</i>—of time, <i>alias</i> procrastination, and—</p> + +<p><i>The Thief</i>—who stole a kiss (overwhelming number of applicants).</p> + +<hr /> + +<center>THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA</center> + +<p><i>Berthelda.</i>—Sanguino, you have killed your <i>mother</i>!!!</p> + +<p><i>Fruitwoman.</i>—Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!</p> + +<p> + (<i>Curtain falls.</i>)<br /> +</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> + +<center> +<table summary="cartoons"><tr><td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_042a.png"> +<img src="images/i_042a.png" width="100%" alt="The Music-hall." /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_042b.png"> +<img src="images/i_042b.png" width="100%" alt="Screaming Farcical Comedy." /></a> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><h3>The Music-hall</h3></td> +<td align="center"><h3>Screaming Farcical Comedy.</h3></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_042c.png"> +<img src="images/i_042c.png" width="100%" alt="Melodrama at the Surrey." /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_042d.png"> +<img src="images/i_042d.png" width="100%" alt="A pathetic Comedy-Drama." /></a> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><h3>A Melodrama at the<br /> "Surrey".</h3> +</td> +<td align="center"><h3>A pathetic "Comedy-Drama."</h3> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +</center> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<center> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_043a.png"> +<img src="images/i_043a.png" width="100%" alt="Another." /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_043b.png"> +<img src="images/i_043b.png" width="100%" alt="The Opera." /></a> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><h3>Another.</h3> +</td> +<td align="center"><h3>The Opera.</h3> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_043c.png"> +<img src="images/i_043c.png" width="100%" alt="A patriotic Drama." /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_043d.png"> +<img src="images/i_043d.png" width="100%" alt="And." /></a> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><h3>A patriotic Drama at the<br />"National Theatre".</h3> +</td> +<td align="center"><h3>And</h3> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +</center> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<center> +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr><td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_044a.png"> +<img src="images/i_044a.png" width="100%" alt="Three acts." /></a> +</div> +</td> +<td> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_044b.png"> +<img src="images/i_044b.png" width="100%" alt="of Henrik Ibsen." /></a> +</div> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><h3>Three acts</h3> +</td> +<td align="center"><h3>of Henrik Ibsen.</h3> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_044c.png"> +<img src="images/i_044c.png" width="100%" alt="The deplorable issue" /></a> +</div> +<h3>The deplorable issue.</h3> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Bishops," said the Rev. Mr. Phillips to the Playgoers' Club, "are not +really so stiff and starchy as they are made out to be. There is a good +heart beneath the gaiters." Calf-love, we presume.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Different Views.</span>—Bishops complain of a dearth of candidates for orders. +Managers of theatres think differently.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Leg-itimate Successes</span>.—Modern extravaganzas.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Theatrical.</span>—The only people who never suffer in the long run—managers +of theatres.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Standing Orders.</span>"—Free admissions who can't get seats.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_046.png"> +<img src="images/i_046.png" width="100%" alt="MOST MUSICAL" /></a> +<h3>"MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY"</h3> +<p><i>Husband</i> (<i>after the Adagio, to musical wife</i>). "My dear, are we going +to stay to the 'bitter end'?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_047.png"> +<img src="images/i_047.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC OF THE FUTURE" /></a> +<h3>MUSIC OF THE FUTURE. SENSATION OPERA.</h3> +<p><i>Manager</i> (<i>to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly</i>). "My dear fellow, I've +brought you the score of the new opera. We've arranged <i>such</i> a scena +for you in the third act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the +keelhauling scene, you know! Heavy rolling sea, eh?—Yes, and we can +have some real spray pumped on to you from the fire-engine! Volumes of +smoke from the funnel, close behind your head—in fact, you'll be +enveloped as you rush on to the bridge! And then you'll sing that lovely +barcarolle through the speaking-trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the +ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">At a Problem Play.</span>—<i>Mr. Dinkershein</i> (<i>eminent critic</i>). How did you +enjoy the piece, Miss MacGuider?</p> + +<p><i>Miss MacGuider.</i> Well, to tell the truth, I didn't know what it was all +about.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Dinkershein.</i> Excellent. The author gives us so much to think of.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Question and Answer.</span>—"Why don't I write plays?" Why should I?</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Not exactly a Theatrical Manager's Guiding Motto.</span>—"Piece at any price."</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Our Shakspearian Society.</span>—In the course of a discussion, Mrs. —— +observed, that she was positive that Shakspeare was a butcher by trade, +because an old uncle of hers had bought <i>lambs' tails from Shakspeare</i>.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"<span class="smcap">Sound Dues.</span>"—Fees to opera box-keepers.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Copyright and Copywrong.</span>—The dramatist who dramatises his neighbour's +novel against his will, is less a playwright than a plagiary.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_049.png"> +<img src="images/i_049.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch cartoon." /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_050.png"> +<img src="images/i_050.png" width="100%" alt="Much ado about Nothing" /></a> +<h3>"<span class="smcap">Cross Old Thing!</span>"</h3> +<p><i>Wife.</i> "I'm going into town now, +dear. Shall I book places for <i>Caste</i> or <i>Much ado about Nothing</i>?" +<i>Husband.</i> "Oh, please yourself, my dear; but I should say we've enough +'Ado about Nothing' at home!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_051.png"> +<img src="images/i_051.png" width="100%" alt="Our Theatricals" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Our Theatricals.</span></h3> +<p><i>Brown (rehearsing his part as the +"Vicomte de Cherisac").</i> "Yas, Marie! I've fondly loved ye. (<i>Sobs +dramatically.</i>) 'Tis well—but no mat-tar-r!" <i>Housemaid (to cook, +outside the door).</i> "Lauks, 'Liz'beth, ain't master a givin' it to +missis!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_052.png"> +<img src="images/i_052.png" width="100%" alt="Technical" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Technical.</span></h3> +<p><i>First Player</i> ("<i>Juvenile Lead</i>"). Play +Scene—Hamlet. (<i>Deferentially</i>). "What do you think of it?" <i>Second +Player</i> ("<i>First Heavy</i>"). "How precious well them 'supers' are painted, +ain't they?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_053.png"> +<img src="images/i_053.png" width="100%" alt="Double Disappointment" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Double Disappointment.</span></h3> +<p><i>Stern Hostess (who is giving +private theatricals).</i> "You are very late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've +begun long ago!" <i>Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that +particular form of entertainment).</i> "What! You don't mean to say they're +at it still!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_054.png"> +<img src="images/i_054.png" width="100%" alt="Modest Appeal" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Modest Appeal.</span></h3> +<p><i>Lady (to big drum).</i> "Pray, my good man, +don't make that horrid noise! I can't hear myself speak!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> + +<h2>A MODERN REHEARSAL</h2> + +<p><i>Leading Lady (to Stage Manager).</i> Who's that man in the ulster coat +talking to the call-boy?</p> + +<p><i>Stage Manager.</i> Don't know, I'm sure. Perhaps a gas-fitter. Now, as I +was saying, Miss Frisette, I think that all your alterations in the +dialogue are quite up to date, but we must give Splitter a chance for +his cackle. Ah! here he is.</p> + +<p><i>Splitter.</i> Well, old boy, I've worked in that scene to rights, but the +boss thinks that some allusions to Turkey served up with German sausage +would fetch 'em. So you might chuck it in for me.</p> + +<p><i>Stage Man.</i> Of course I will. Capital idea. (<i>Marks prompt-book.</i>) I +wonder who that chap is in the wing?</p> + +<p><i>Splitter.</i> Haven't the faintest idea. Looks like an undertaker. Hallo, +Wobbler, brought your new song?</p> + +<p><i>Wobbler.</i> Yes, it ought to go. And I've a gross or so of capital +wheezes.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Splitter.</i> No poaching, old chap.</p> + +<p><i>Wobbler.</i> Of course not. I'll not let them off when you're on. Morning, +Miss Skid. Perfect, I suppose?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Skid (brightly).</i> I'm always "perfect." But—(<i>seriously</i>)—I had +to cut all the idiotic stuff in my part, and get Peter Quip of "The +Kangaroo" to put in something up to date. Here's the boss!</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Enter Mr. Footlyte, the manager, amid a chorus of salutations.</i></span><br /> + +<p><i>Stage Man.</i> Places, ladies and gentlemen.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Footlyte.</i> Before we begin the rehearsal, I would point out that I +have completely rewritten the second act, and——</p> + +<p><i>The Stranger in the Ulster.</i> But, sir, I beg of you to remember——</p> + +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> Who is that man?</p> + +<p><i>Everybody.</i> We don't know!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. F. (advancing).</i> Who are you, sir, who dare to trespass on my +premises?</p> + +<p><i>The S. in the U.</i> Don't you remember me, Mr. Footlyte?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> No, sir, I do not. What's your business?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>The S. in the U. (nervously).</i> I am the author of the piece.</p> + +<p><i>Everybody.</i> Ha! ha! ha!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. F.</i> Then you're not wanted here. (<i>To stage manager.</i>) Jenkins, +clear the stage.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>The author is shown out. Rehearsal proceeds. Curtain.</i></span><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Meant as a Compliment.</span>—<i>Shakspeare Smith (to Miss Lagushe, after +production of his new comedy).</i> And what did you think of my little +piece the other night?</p> + +<p><i>Miss Lagushe.</i> I didn't pay the least attention to the play. All I +thought was, what a cruel ordeal the performance must be for <i>you</i>!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NEO-DRAMATIC NURSERY RHYME</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Mrs. Grundy, good woman, scarce knew what to think</p> +<p class="i0">About the relation 'twixt drama and drink.</p> +<p class="i0">Well, give hall—and theatre—good wholesome diet,</p> +<p class="i0">And all who attend will be sober and quiet!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_056.png"> +<img src="images/i_056.png" width="100%" alt="Son of Ducal House" /></a> +<p><i>Younger Son of Ducal House.</i> "Mother, allow me to +introduce to you—my wife."</p> +<p><i>His Wife (late of the Frivolity Theatre).</i> "How do, Duchess? I'm the +latest thing in mésalliances!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> + +<h2>HINTS TO AMATEUR PLAYWRIGHTS.</h2> + +<p><i>Of the Essence of Drama.</i>—It is not strictly necessary that you should +know much about this, but as a rough indication it may be stated that +whenever two or more persons stand (or sit) upon a platform and talk, +and other persons, whether from motives of ennui, or charity, or malice, +or for copyright purposes only, go and listen to them, the law says it +is a stage-play. It does not follow that anybody else will.</p> + +<p><i>Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing.</i>—Owing to the competition +nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as +practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely +farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to +that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into +poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show +that it <i>is</i> poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act +III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> elope with the heroine +(already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and +wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high +spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand, +will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious +people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a +number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your +audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young +ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits +of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually +accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage +carpenter will attend to these.</p> + +<p><i>Of Humour.</i>—Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your +characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however, +that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will +be surpassed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind +a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a +stage-direction.</p> + +<p><i>Of Dialogue.</i>—Speeches of more than half a page,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> though useful for +clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of +repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect, +no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes +in recitation.</p> + +<p><i>Of the Censorship.</i>—This need not be feared unless you are unduly +serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where +the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in +problems.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for the Stage-Worshippers.</span>—"Mummer's the word!"</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_061.png"> +<img src="images/i_061.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_062.png"> +<img src="images/i_062.png" width="100%" alt="HER OPINION" /></a> +<h3>QUITE OF HER OPINION</h3> +<p><i>Gushing Young Woman (to famous actor).</i> "Oh, do you know, Mr. +Starleigh, I'm simply <i>mad</i> to go on the stage!" <i>Famous Actor.</i> "Yes, I +should think you <i>would</i> be, my dear young lady!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE DECLINE OF THE DRAMA</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Mundungus deems the drama is declining,</p> +<p class="i2">Yet fain would swell the crowded playwright ranks.</p> +<p class="i0">The secret of his pessimist opining,</p> +<p class="i2">Is—all <i>his</i> dramas <i>are</i> declined—with thanks!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES</h2> + +<center>(<i>For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic Art</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Tis the voice of the prompter,</p> +<p class="i2">I hear him quite plain;</p> +<p class="i0">He has prompted me twice,</p> +<p class="i2">Let him prompt me again.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_063.png"> +<img src="images/i_063.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_064a.png"> +<img src="images/i_064a.png" width="100%" alt="suggestion" /></a> +<p>A suggestion to the refreshment departments of our +theatres, much simpler than the old method of struggling by, and would +prevent the men going out between the acts.</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_064b.png"> +<img src="images/i_064b.png" width="100%" alt="The authors" /></a> +<p>First night of musical comedy. The authors called before +the curtain.</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_064c.png"> +<img src="images/i_064c.png" width="100%" alt="plenty of time" /></a> +<p><i>Jones (arriving in the middle of the overture to +"Tristan und Isolde"—quite audibly).</i> "Well, thank goodness we're in +<i>plenty of time!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_065.png"> +<img src="images/i_065.png" width="100%" alt="Crinoline era" /></a> +<h3>IN THE STALLS</h3> +<center>Time past—Crinoline era</center> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Appropriate Shakspearian Motto for A Firm of Advertising +Agents.</span>—"Posters of the sea and land."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Quid pro Quo.</span>—<i>Actor-Manager (to Dramatic Author).</i> What I want is a +one-part piece.</p> +<p><i>Dramatic Author.</i> That's very easily arranged. You be number one, and +"part" to me.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_066.png"> +<img src="images/i_066.png" width="100%" alt="Fan development" /></a> +<h3>IN THE STALLS</h3> +<center>Time present—Fan development</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>Araminta.</i> Why, dearest, do you call those witticisms, which the +comedians deliver with such ready humour, "gags"?</p> + +<p><i>Corydon (the playwright).</i> Because they always stifle the author.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Smiles no more during the evening.</i></span><br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Mummer's Bête-noire.</span>--"<i>Benefits</i> forgot."</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_067.png"> +<img src="images/i_067.png" width="100%" alt="marry an actress" /></a> +<h3>MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES</h3> +<p><i>Sangazur, Senior.</i> "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about +your wanting to marry an actress?"</p> +<p><i>Sangazur, Junior.</i> "It's quite true, sir. But—er—you can have no +conception how <i>very poorly</i> she acts!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_068.png"> +<img src="images/i_068.png" width="100%" alt="A Studied Insult" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Studied Insult.</span></h3> +<p><i>Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial +Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse +Show).</i> "Box or two stalls, sir?" <i>Murphy.</i> "What the dev'l d'ye mane? +D'ye take me an' the missus for a pair o' proize 'osses? Oi'll have two +sates in the dhress circle, and let 'em be as dhressy as possible, +moind!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_069.png"> +<img src="images/i_069.png" width="100%" alt="Sleeping Beauty" /></a> +<h3>"<span class="smcap">The Sleeping Beauty.</span>"</h3> +<p>"Nervous? oh dear no! I only +acted <i>once</i> in private theatricals, Mr. Jones, and, although it was an +important part, I had nothing to say!" "Really? What <i>was</i> the part?" +"<i>Can't you guess?</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_070.png"> +<img src="images/i_070.png" width="100%" alt="Collaborateurs" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Collaborateurs.</span></h3> +<p>Jennings and Bellamy, the famous +dramatists, planning one of those thrilling plays of plot and passion, +in which (as everybody knows) Jennings provides the inimitable broad +humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is +the shorter of the two.)</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<h2>WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS</h2> + +<center>(<i>From the Common-place Book of a Novelist</i>)</center> + +<p>Because it is so much pleasanter to read one's work than to hear it on +the stage.</p> + +<p>Because publishers are far more amiable to deal with than +actor-managers.</p> + +<p>Because "behind the scenes" is such a disappointing place—except in +novels.</p> + +<p>Because why waste three weeks on writing a play, when it takes only +three years to compose a novel?</p> + +<p>Because critics who send articles to magazines inviting one to +contribute to the stage, have no right to dictate to us.</p> + +<p>Because a fairly successful novel means five hundred pounds, and a +fairly successful play yields as many thousands—why be influenced by +mercenary motives?</p> + +<p>Because all novelists hire their pens in advance for years, and have no +time left for outside labour.</p> + +<p>And last, and (perhaps) not least, Why don't I send in a play? Because I +<i>have</i> tried to write <i>one</i>, and find I can't quite manage it!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_072.png"> +<img src="images/i_072.png" width="100%" alt="Her First Play" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Her First Play.</span></h3> +<p><i>Mamma (who has taken Miss Effie, as a +great treat, to a morning performance).</i> "Hush, dear! You mustn't talk!"</p> +<p><i>Miss Effie (with clear sense of injustice, and pointing to the stage).</i> +"But, mummy,—<i>they're</i> talking!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Q.</i> When are the affairs of a theatre likely to assume a somewhat fishy +aspect? <i>A.</i> When there's a sole lessee.</p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><i>Evangeline.</i> Why is this called the dress circle, mamma?<br /> + +<i>Mamma.</i> Because the stalls are the undressed circle, dear.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Form of Equestrian Drama.</span>—Horseplay.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_073.png"> +<img src="images/i_073.png" width="100%" alt="Mellow drammer" /></a> +<h3>Mellow drammer</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_074.png"> +<img src="images/i_074.png" width="100%" alt="First Night" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">First Night of an Unappreciated Melodrama.</span></h3> +<p><i>He.</i> "Are we +alone?" <i>Voice from the Gallery.</i> "No, guv'nor; but you will be +to-morrow night."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_075.png"> +<img src="images/i_075.png" width="100%" alt="THE COMMISSARIAT" /></a> +<h3>THE COMMISSARIAT</h3> +<p><i>Our Bandmaster (to purveyor of refreshments).</i> "We must hev beef +sangwitches, marm! Them ham ones make the men's lips that greasy, they +can't blow!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_076.png"> +<img src="images/i_076.png" width="100%" alt="NOTE AND QUERY" /></a> +<h3>A NOTE AND QUERY</h3> +<p><i>Wife (given to literature and the drama).</i> "George, what is the meaning +of the expression, 'Go to!' you meet with so often in Shakspeare and the +old dramatists?"</p> +<p><i>Husband (not a reading man).</i> "'Don't know, I'm sure, dear, unless—— +Well,—p'raps he was going to say—— but thought it wouldn't sound +proper!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_077.png"> +<img src="images/i_077.png" width="100%" alt="MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX" /></a> +<h3>MR. PUNCH'S OPERA BOX</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_078.png"> +<img src="images/i_078.png" width="100%" alt="SIC VOS NON VOBIS" /></a> +<h3>SIC VOS NON VOBIS DRAMATISATIS, WRITERS!</h3> +<p><i>Wife of his Bosom (just home from the play).</i> "And then that <i>darling</i> +Walter Lisson, looking like a Greek god, drew his stiletto, and +delivered, oh! <i>such</i> an exquisite soliloquy over her tomb—all in blank +verse—like heavenly music on the organ!"</p> +<p><i>He.</i> "Why, he's got a voice like a raven, and can no more deliver blank +verse than he can fly."</p> +<p><i>She.</i> "Ah, well—it was very beautiful, all the same—all about love +and death, you know!"</p> +<p><i>He.</i> "Who wrote the piece, then?"</p> +<p><i>She.</i> "Who wrote the piece? Oh—er—well—his name's sure to be on the +bill somewhere—at least I <i>suppose</i> it is!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">From our General Theatrical Fund.</span>—Why would a good-natured dramatic +critic be a valuable specimen in an anatomical museum? Because he takes +to pieces easily.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MEM. BY A MANAGER</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">To say "boo" to a goose requires some doing.</p> +<p class="i0">In theatres 'tis the goose who does the "booing,"</p> +<p class="i0">And though a man may do the best he can, sir,</p> +<p class="i0"><i>Anser</i> will hiss, though hissing may not answer!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>REVISED VERSION OF SHAKSPEARE</h2> + +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i8">"A <span class="smcap">Poor</span> player,</p> +<p class="i0">Who struts and frets his hour on the stage,</p> +<p class="i0">And then—goes in society."</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_079.png"> +<img src="images/i_079.png" width="100%" alt="A solo on the horn" /></a> +<h3>A solo on the horn</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_080.png"> +<img src="images/i_080.png" width="100%" alt="After the Performance" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">After the Performance.</span></h3> +<p><i>Rupert the Reckless (Tompkins, a +distinguished amateur from town).</i> "Now, I call it a beastly shame, +Jenkins; you haven't ordered that brute of yours off my togs, and you +know I can't go back to the inn like <i>this</i>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_081.png"> +<img src="images/i_081.png" width="100%" alt="SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME" /></a> +<h3>SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME.<br /> Scene I.—The Tragic +Mews</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_082.png"> +<img src="images/i_082.png" width="100%" alt="The Comic Mews" /></a> +<h3>SCENES FROM MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME.<br /> Scene II.—The Comic +Mews</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_083.png"> +<img src="images/i_083.png" width="100%" alt="Ambiguous" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Ambiguous.</span></h3> +<p><i>First Actress.</i> "Oh, my dear, I'm feeling so +chippy! I think I shall send down a doctor's certificate to-night, to +say I can't act." <i>Second Ditto.</i> "Surely a certificate isn't necessary, +dear?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_084.png"> +<img src="images/i_084.png" width="100%" alt="It's my turn next" /></a> +<p><i>Tenor (at amateur concert).</i> "It's my turn next, and I'm +so nervous I should like to run away. Would you mind accompanying me, +Miss Brown?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_085.png"> +<img src="images/i_085.png" width="100%" alt="a very unpleasant piece" /></a> +<p><i>Mrs. Smith.</i> "This is a very unpleasant piece, don't you +think? There's certainly a great deal to be done yet in the way of +elevating the stage." <i>Mr. Jones (who hasn't been able to get a glimpse +of the stage all the afternoon).</i> "Well—er—it would come to much the +same thing if you ladies were to lower your hats!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_086.png"> +<img src="images/i_086.png" width="100%" alt="Our Theatricals" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Our Theatricals.</span></h3> +<p><i>The Countess.</i> "Will this cruel war +<i>never</i> end? Day after day I watch and wait, straining every nerve to +catch the sound of the trumpet that will tell me of my warrior's return. +But, hark! what is that I hear?"</p> +<p> [<i>Stage direction.—"Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't +rehearsed that, and didn't explain the situation quite clearly to the +local cornet-player who helped us on the night.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_087.png"> +<img src="images/i_087.png" width="100%" alt="a private performance" /></a> +<p>Master Jackey having seen a "professor" of posturing, has +a private performance of his own in the nursery.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_088.png"> +<img src="images/i_088.png" width="100%" alt="he urges on his wild career" /></a> +<h3><i>Mazeppa.</i> "Again he urges on his wild career!!!"</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_089.png"> +<img src="images/i_089.png" width="100%" alt="Distinguished Amateurs" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Distinguished Amateurs. The Actor.</span></h3> +<p><i>Billy Wapshot.</i> "I say, look here, +you know! They've cast me for the part of <i>Sir Guy Earliswoodde</i>, an +awful ass that everyone keeps laughing at! How the dickens am I to act +such a beastly part as that?—and how am I to dress for it, I +should like to know?" <i>Brown (stage manager).</i> "My dear fellow, dress +<i>just as you are!</i>—and as for acting, <i>be as natural as you +possibly can!</i> It will be an immense success!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_089.png"> +<img src="images/i_090.png" width="100%" alt="The Jeune Premier" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Distinguished Amateurs. The Jeune Premier.</span></h3> +<p>"<i>What</i>, Eleanor? You know <i>Sir Lionel Wildrake</i>, the handsomest, +wittiest, most dangerous man in town! He of whom it is said that no +woman has ever been known to resist him yet!" "The same, Lilian! But +hush! He comes——"</p> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake</i>.</span><br /> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center>There is a blessing on peacemakers—is there one on playwrights?</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Home of the British Drama.</span>—A French crib.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Court Theatre Ticket.</span>—The order of the garter available only at +Windsor as an order for the stalls.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">New Name for a Theatre where the Actors are more or less +Unintelligible.</span>—"The Mumbles."</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_091.png"> +<img src="images/i_091.png" width="100%" alt="Music by handle" /></a> +<h3>Music by handle.</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_092.png"> +<img src="images/i_092.png" width="100%" alt="SWING OF THE PENDULUM" /></a> +<h3>THE SWING OF THE PENDULUM</h3> +<p>"And pray, Duke, what possible objection can you have to my being a +suitor for the hand of your daughter Gwendolen? I—a—<i>think</i> I may +flatter myself that, as a leading gentleman at the Parthenon Theatre, my +social position is at least on a par with your Grace's!"</p> +<p>"I admit that to be the case just <i>at present</i>—but the social position +of an actor may suffer a reaction, and a day <i>may</i> come when even the +leading gentleman at the Parthenon may sink to the level of a <i>Bishop</i>, +let us say, and be no longer quite a suitable match for a daughter of +the—a—House of Beaumanoir!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_093.png"> +<img src="images/i_093.png" width="100%" alt="Turning a Phrase" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Turning a Phrase.</span></h3> +<p><i>Dramatic Author.</i> "What the deuce do +you mean by pitching into my piece in this brutal manner? It's +shameful!" <i>Dramatic Critic.</i> "Pitching into it? No, no, no, dear old +man—you'll see how pleased I was, <i>if you'll only read between the +lines!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_094.png"> +<img src="images/i_094.png" width="100%" alt="A Booth in the Wild West" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Scene</span>— +<i>A Booth in the Wild West</i></h3> +<p><i>The curtain has just fallen on the first act of the "Pirates of the +Pacific."</i></p> +<p><i>Author.</i> "What is the audience shouting for?"</p> +<p><i>Manager.</i> "They're calling for the author."</p> +<p><i>Author.</i> "Then hadn't I better appear?"</p> +<p><i>Manager.</i> "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_095.png"> +<img src="images/i_095.png" width="100%" alt="Men Were Deceivers Ever" /></a> +<h3>"Men Were Deceivers Ever"</h3> +<p><i>First Counter Tenor.</i> "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at +our entrance."</p> +<p><i>Second Counter Tenor.</i> "Oh, then, let's go out at the <i>bass</i> door!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_096.png"> +<img src="images/i_096.png" width="100%" alt="The Commentators" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Commentators.</span></h3> +<p><i>First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy).</i> +"I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've +made a discovery—that <i>Horatio</i> was <i>Hamlet's</i> father!" <i>Second +Quidnunc (enchanted).</i> "You don't say so!" <i>First Quidnunc.</i> "My dear +sir, doesn't <i>Hamlet</i>, when he handles <i>Yorick's</i> skull, address +<i>Horatio</i>, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_097.png"> +<img src="images/i_097.png" width="100%" alt=" Disenchantment" /></a> +<h3>A Disenchantment</h3> +<p><i>Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country).</i> +"<i>Dear</i> me! He's a <i>very</i> different-looking person from what I had +always imagined!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_098.png"> +<img src="images/i_098.png" width="100%" alt="better take off your hat" /></a> +<h3>"JUST HINT A FAULT"<br /> +<i>Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera</i></h3> +<p><i>Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate).</i> "Tom, dear, don't you +think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people +behind, you know?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER</h2> + +<div class="poem w26"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who gets, by hook or crook, from me</p> +<p class="i0">Admittance free, though well knows he</p> +<p class="i0">That myriads turned away will be?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who, while he for his programme pays</p> +<p class="i0">The smallest silver coin, inveighs</p> +<p class="i0">Against such fraud with eyes ablaze?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who to his neighbour spins harangues,</p> +<p class="i0">On how he views with grievous pangs</p> +<p class="i0">The dust that on our hangings hangs?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who, in a voice which rings afar,</p> +<p class="i0">Declares, while standing at the bar,</p> +<p class="i0">Our drinks most deleterious are?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers</p> +<p class="i0">That others give? Who jeers and sneers</p> +<p class="i0">At all he sees and all he hears?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who loudly, as the drama's plot</p> +<p class="i0">Unfolds, declares the tale a lot</p> +<p class="i0">Of balderdash and tommy-rot?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who dubs the actors boorish hinds?</p> +<p class="i0">Who fault with all the scenery finds?</p> +<p class="i0">Who with disgust his molars grinds?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who spreads dissatisfaction wide</p> +<p class="i0">'Mongst those who else with all they spied</p> +<p class="i0">Had been extremely satisfied?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who runs us down for many a day,</p> +<p class="i0">And keeps no end of folks away</p> +<p class="i0">That else would for admittance pay?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who keeps his reputation still,</p> +<p class="i0">For recompensing good with ill</p> +<p class="i0">With more than pandemonium's skill?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom</p> +<p class="i0">In all its blackness o'er me loom?</p> +<p class="i0">Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb?</p> +<p class="i8">The Deadhead.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_100.png"> +<img src="images/i_100.png" width="100%" alt="Ibsen in Brixton" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Ibsen in Brixton.</span></h3> +<p><i>Mrs. Harris.</i> "Yes, William, I've +thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and +dickey-bird, and so I'm going!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_101.png"> +<img src="images/i_101.png" width="100%" alt="A five bar rest" /></a> +<h3>A five bar rest</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_102.png"> +<img src="images/i_102.png" width="100%" alt="They egged me on" /></a> +<p><i>Seedy Provincial Actor.</i> "Young man, I hear that you +propose to essay the <i>rôle</i> of the melancholy Dane. What induced you to +do it?" <i>Prosperous London ditto.</i> "Oh, I don't know. They egged me on +to it." <i>Seedy Provincial Actor.</i> "H'm. They egged <i>me OFF</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> + +<h3>LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME</h3> + +<center>(<i>By an Intelligent Schoolboy</i>)</center> + +<p>That demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on their +visiting lists the most beautiful of the fairies.</p> + +<p>That the attendants upon the demons (presumably their victims) spend +much of their time in break-downs.</p> + +<p>That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for a +distressingly long time.</p> + +<p>That the fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s to their +tongues, than clothes to their backs.</p> + +<p>That the fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering they +dance so much in the sunlight.</p> + +<p>That the tight and scanty costume of the fairies is most insufficient +protection from the showers that must be required to produce the +gigantic and highly-coloured fairy <i>flora</i>.</p> + +<p>That the chief fairy (to judge from her allusions to current events) +must take in the daily papers.</p> + +<p>That harlequin is always shaking his bat, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> nothing seems to come of +it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or, in +short, what he's at altogether.</p> + +<p>That if clown and pantaloon want to catch columbine, it is hard to see +why they don't catch her.</p> + +<p>That pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children to be +exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from clown.</p> + +<p>That clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts, +butter-slides, hot pokers, nurse-maids, and murdered babies, and on the +whole is lucky to escape hanging.</p> + +<p>That policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked +head-over-heels.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_104.png"> +<img src="images/i_104.png" width="100%" alt="THE NEW PLAY" /></a> +<h3>THE NEW PLAY</h3> +<p><i>Low Comedian.</i> "Have you seen the notice?"</p> +<p><i>Tragedian.</i> "No; is it a good one?"</p> +<p><i>Low Comedian.</i> "It's a fortnight's."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_105.png"> +<img src="images/i_105.png" width="100%" alt="obligato accompaniment" /></a> +<h3>A quick movement with an obligato accompaniment.</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_106.png"> +<img src="images/i_106.png" width="100%" alt="TERRIFIC SITUATION" /></a> +<h3>TERRIFIC SITUATION!</h3> +<p>Heroine of domestic drama pursued by the unprincipled villain is about +to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> + +<h3>APPRECIATIVE!</h3> +<p><i>The eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs. Mugby, of the village laundry).</i> +I'm delighted that you were able to come to our schoolroom performance +of <i>Scenes from Shakspeare</i>.</p> +<p><i>Mrs. Mugby.</i> Oh, so was I, mum. That there "'Amblet"—and the grand +lady, mum——</p> +<p><i>Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly).</i> You mean "Hamlet" and his +mother—the vicar and myself. You enjoyed it?</p> +<p><i>Mrs. Mugby.</i> Oh, we did, mum! We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh for +many a long day.</p> +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Exit</i> Miss B., <i>thinking that Shakspeare is perhaps somewhat thrown</i></span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>away on this yokality</i>.</span><br /></p> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Book of the Play</span> (<i>as managers like it</i>).—"All places taken for the +next fortnight."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>When actors complain that all they require is "parts," they generally +tell the exact truth.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_108.png"> +<img src="images/i_108.png" width="100%" alt="SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME" /></a> +<h3>SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME</h3> +<p>"Where got'st thou that goose?—look!"<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 8em;">(<i>Macbeth</i>, Act V., Sc. 3.)</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_109.png"> +<img src="images/i_109.png" width="100%" alt="Disenchantment" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">A Disenchantment.</span></h3> +<p><i>Grandpapa.</i> "<i>What</i>? Bob in love with +Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" <i>Bob (firing up).</i> +"Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had +better not be said in my presence, that's all!" <i>Grandpapa.</i> "<i>I</i> say a +word <i>against</i> her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over +ears in love with her <i>myself</i>—<i>when I was your age!</i>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_110.png"> +<img src="images/i_110.png" width="100%" alt="The Problem Play" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Problem Play.</span></h3> +<p><i>New Woman (with the hat).</i> "No! <i>My</i> +principle is simply <i>this</i>—if there's a <i>demand</i> for these plays, it +must be <i>supplied</i>!" <i>Woman not New (with the bonnet).</i> "Precisely! Just +as with the bull-fights in Spain!"</p> +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Scores</i></span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_111.png"> +<img src="images/i_111.png" width="100%" alt="CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES" /></a> +<h3>CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES—THE BLAMELESS +BALLET</h3> +<p> ["<i>Mr. Chamberlain has expressed himself in sympathy with the scheme of +the Rev. Forbes Phillips for running theatres in connection with the +churches in country villages.</i>"]</p> +<p>There would, our artist imagines, be no difficulty in obtaining willing +coryphées among the pew-openers and philanthropic spinsters of the +various parishes.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_112.png"> +<img src="images/i_112.png" width="100%" alt="the washing-room of the Minerva Club" /></a> +<p><i>Mr. M'Chrustie (in the washing-room of the Minerva +Club).</i> "Look here, waiter, what's the meaning of this? These brushes +are as beastly grimy as if they'd been blacking boots——!" <i>Waiter.</i> +"Yes, sir: it's them members from the 'Junior Theshpian,' sir—as are +'ere now, sir. They do dye theirselves to that degree——!"</p> +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Mr. M'C. rushes off and writes furiously to the Committee!</i></span><br /></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><i>Q.</i> What were the "palmy" days of the drama?<br /> +<i>A.</i> When they were first-rate hands at acting.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Motto for all Dramatic Performers.</span>—"Act well your part."</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Band-Box.</span>—An orchestra.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>"What an awful voice that man's got!" said the manager, who was +listening to the throaty tenor.<br /> +"Call that a voice," said his friend; "it's a disease!"</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">A Private Box.</span>—A sentry box.</center> +<br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_114.png"> +<img src="images/i_114.png" width="100%" alt="You can't sit there" /></a> +<p>"You can't sit there, mum. These here seats are +reserved."</p> +<p>"You don't seem to be aware that I'm one of the directors' wives!"</p> +<p>"And if you was his <i>only</i> wife, mum, I couldn't let you sit here."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<p>During the dull season a certain manager has issued such a number of his +autographs in order to ensure the proper filling of his house that he +has in playfulness conferred on it the nickname of the ordertorium.</p> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">What Managers, Actresses, and Spectators all Want.</span>—A good dressing.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">Christmas Music for Theatres.</span>—The "waits" between the acts.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>What we want for the British drama generally is not so much native +talent as imagi-native talent.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">At the Music Halls.</span>—The birds that fly by night—the acro-bats.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_116.png"> +<img src="images/i_116.png" width="100%" alt="Confrères" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Confrères.</span></h3> +<p><i>Master Jacky (who took part in some school +theatricals last term,—suddenly, to eminent tragedian who has come to +call).</i> "I say, you know—I act!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_117.png"> +<img src="images/i_117.png" width="100%" alt="PROP OF THE DRAMA" /></a> +<h3>A PROP OF THE DRAMA</h3> +<p>"What, back already, Archie! Was it a dull piece, then?"</p> +<p>"Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and +didn't see a soul I knew!—so I came away."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%"> +<a href="images/i_118.png"> +<img src="images/i_118.png" width="100%" alt="I remember your acting" /></a> +<h3>SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER <i>NOT</i> TO +STICK TO HIS LAST</h3> +<p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I remember your acting '<i>Sir Anthony</i>,' <i>years</i> ago, +when I was a girl, Sir Charles! You did it splendidly!"</p> +<p><i>The Great Mathematician.</i> "Ah, would you believe it, that bit of acting +brought me more compliments than anything I ever did?"</p> +<p><i>Fair Matron.</i> "I should <i>think</i> so, indeed!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> +<br /> +<center><span class="smcap">The Company that frequently fills a Theatre better than a Dramatic +one.</span>—The Stationers' Company.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>The managers of Drury Lane, Gaiety, Alhambra and Empire Theatres ought +<i>ex-officio</i> to be members of the Worshipful Guild of Spectacle-makers.</center> +<br /> +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_119.png"> +<img src="images/i_119.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Punch with string instrument" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_120.png"> +<img src="images/i_120.png" width="100%" alt="Walking Lady" /></a> +<p>"<i>Walking Lady</i>" (<i>late for rehearsal</i>). "Oh, I'm so +sorry to be late! I <i>do</i> hope you haven't all been waiting for me?"</p> +<p><i>Stage Manager</i> (<i>icily</i>). "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the +gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_121.png"> +<img src="images/i_121.png" width="100%" alt="An Unkind Cut" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">An Unkind Cut.</span></h3> +<p><i>Amateur.</i> "It was very kind of you to +come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my +<i>Hamlet</i>? Pretty good?" <i>Professional</i> (<i>feigning ecstasy</i>). "Oh, my +dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,—really I assure you, good's not the +word!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_122.png"> +<img src="images/i_122.png" width="100%" alt="have you seen the great tragedian" /></a> +<p><i>First Critic.</i> "Well, have you seen the great tragedian +in <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>?"</p> +<p><i>Second ditto.</i> "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my +ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_123.png"> +<img src="images/i_123.png" width="100%" alt="Ears off in front" /></a> +<h3>A CROWDED HOUSE</h3> +<p><i>Angry Voice</i> (<i>from a back seat</i>). "Ears off in front there, please!"]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_124.png"> +<img src="images/i_124.png" width="100%" alt="THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA" /></a> +<h3>THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA</h3> +<p><i>The Marquis</i> (<i>in the play</i>). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a +gen'leman?"</p> +<p><i>Lord Adolphus</i> (<i>spendthrift heir</i>). "You 'ave!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_125.png"> +<img src="images/i_125.png" width="100%" alt="A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT" /></a> +<h3>A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_126.png"> +<img src="images/i_126.png" width="100%" alt="STARTLING EFFECTS" /></a> +<h3>"STARTLING EFFECTS!"</h3> +<p><i>Peep-Showman.</i> "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin' +along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights +means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"——</p> +<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>with his eye to the aperture</i>). "But what's the yaller +light, sir?"</p> +<p><i>Peep-Showman</i> (<i>slow and impressive</i>). "There ain't no yaller +light—but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and +the red lights si'nif——"</p> +<p><i>Small Boy</i> (<i>persistently</i>). "But wha's the other light, sir?"</p> +<p><i>Peep-Showman</i> (<i>losing patience</i>). "Tell yer there ain't no"—— (<i>takes +a look—in consternation</i>)—"Blowed if the darned old show ain't +a-fire!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + +<h3>EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT</h3> + +<blockquote><p>["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It +has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of +nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."—<i>The +Outlook.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<center><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Nowhere in particular.</i><br /> +<br /> +<span class="smcap">Characters.</span><br /> +<br /> +<span class="smcap">He</span>, <i>a nonentity</i>.<br /> + +<span class="smcap">She</span>, <i>another</i>.</center> + +<p><i>He.</i> Dear——!</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>wearily</i>). Oh please don't.</p> + +<p> [<i>Does nothing.</i></p> + +<p><i>He.</i> Why, what's the matter?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> Nothing.</p> + +<p> [<i>He does nothing.</i></p> + +<p><i>She.</i> Well, you may as well go on. It will be something, anyhow. +(<i>Yawns.</i>) Nothing ever seems to happen in this play. I don't know +why. It isn't my fault. Oh, go on.</p> + +<p><i>He.</i> All right. Don't suppose it amuses me, though. Darling, I +love you—will you marry me?</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>very wearily</i>). Oh, I suppose so.</p> + +<p><i>He.</i> Thanks very much. (<i>Kisses her.</i>) There!</p> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> + +<p> [<i>Returns proudly to his seat, and does nothing.</i></p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>with sudden excitement</i>). Supposing I had said "No," would +you have shot yourself?—would you have gone to the front?—would +your life have been a blank hereafter? Would anything interesting +have happened?</p> + +<p><i>He</i> (<i>with a great determination in his eyes</i>). Had you spurned my +love——</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Yes, yes?</p> + +<p><i>He</i> (<i>with emotion</i>).—I should have—I should have—done nothing.</p> +<p> [<i>Does it.</i></p> + +<p><i>She.</i> Oh!</p> + +<p><i>He.</i> Yes. As for shooting or drowning myself if any little thing +of that sort had happened it would have been <i>off</i> the stage. I +hope I know my place.</p> + +<p> [<i>She does nothing.</i></p> + +<p><i>He</i> (<i>politely</i>). I don't know if you're keen about stopping here? +If not, we might——</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> We must wait till somebody else comes on.</p> + +<p><i>He.</i> True. (<i>Reflects deeply.</i>) Er—do you mote much?</p> + +<p> [<i>She sleeps. The audience follows suit. Curtain eventually.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_128.png"> +<img src="images/i_128.png" width="100%" alt="HOW HE OUGHT NOT TO LOOK" /></a> +<h3>HOW HE OUGHT <i>NOT</i> TO LOOK</h3> +<p><i>Excited Prompter</i> (<i>to the Ghost of Hamlet's father, who is +working himself up to the most funereal aspect he can assume</i>). +"Now then, Walker, <i>LOOK ALIVE</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_130.png"> +<img src="images/i_130.png" width="100%" alt="PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE" /></a> +<h3>PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.—"MACBETH"</h3> +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">"Infirm of purpose!</p> +<p class="i0">Give me the daggers."—<i>Act II. Sc. 2.</i></p> +</div></div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_131.png"> +<img src="images/i_131.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC-HALL INANITIES" /></a> +<h3>MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.—I.</h3> +<center><i>Miss Birdie Vandeleur ("Society's Pet"—vide her advertisements +passim) bawls the refrain of her latest song</i>:—</center> +<div class="poem w30"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Ow, I am sow orferly <i>shy</i>, boys!</p> +<p class="i0">I am, and I kennot tell wy, boys!</p> +<p class="i2">Some dy, wen I'm owlder,</p> +<p class="i2">Per'aps I'll git bowlder,</p> +<p class="i0">But naow I am orfer-ly shy!"</p> +</div></div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> + +<h2>MUSIC-HALL INANITIES.—II. The Illustrative Method.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_132a.png"> +<img src="images/i_132a.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC-HALL INANITIES" /></a> +<center><span class="caption">"'E's not a <i>tall</i> man—Nor a <i>short</i> man—But he's just the man for me."</span></center> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_132b.png"> +<img src="images/i_132b.png" width="100%" alt="MUSIC-HALL INANITIES" /></a> +<center><span class="caption">"Not in the army—Nor the nivy—But the royal artill-er-ee!"</span></center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> + +<h2>ATTENTION AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">(<i>As performed at many London Theatres</i>)</span><br /> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Interior of a Private Box.</i></span><br /> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Time</span>—<i>Towards the end of the First Act of an established success.</i></span><br /> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="smcap">Present</span>—<i>A party of Four.</i></span><br /> + +<p><i>No. 1</i> (<i>gazing through opera glasses</i>). A good house. Do you know +anyone?</p> + +<p><i>No. 2.</i> Not a soul. Stay—aren't those the Fitzsnooks?</p> + +<p><i>No. 3</i> (<i>also using a magnifier</i>). You mean the woman in the red +feather at the end of the third row of the stalls?</p> + +<p><i>No. 4.</i> You have spotted them. They have got Bobby Tenterfore with +them. You know, the Johnnie in the F. O.</p> + +<p><i>No. 1.</i> I thought Mr. Tenterfore was at Vienna.</p> + +<p><i>No. 4.</i> No; he <i>was</i> going, but they sent another chap. Brought +him back from somewhere in the tropics.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>No. 3.</i> Then what is Mr. Tenterfore doing in town?</p> + +<p><i>No. 4.</i> Oh! come home on leave. Lots of that sort of thing at the +F. O.</p> + +<p><i>No. 1</i> (<i>having grown weary of looking at the audience</i>). By the +way, <i>à propos de bottes</i>, I have some money to invest. Can you +suggest anything?</p> + +<p><i>No. 3.</i> They say that Diddlers Deferred will turn up trumps.</p> + +<p><i>No. 1.</i> What do you mean by that? I only want to pop in and out +between the accounts.</p> + +<p><i>No. 3.</i> Then the Diddlers ought to suit you. They rose six last +week, and ought to touch ten before settling day.</p> + +<p><i>No. 1.</i> Then I am on. Thanks very much for the information. Ah! +the curtain has fallen. So much for the first act! (<i>Enter +visitor.</i>) Ah! how are you? Where are you?</p> + +<p><i>Visitor.</i> Well, I have got a stall, but I have only just come into +the house. What are they playing?</p> + +<p><i>No. 2.</i> I am sure I don't know; but if you are curious about it, +here's the programme.</p> + +<p><i>Visitor.</i> And what's it all about?</p> + +<p><i>No. 1</i> (<i>on behalf of self and companions</i>). We haven't the +faintest notion.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Conversation becomes general, and remains so until the end of the +evening, regardless of the dialogue on the stage side of the +curtain.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_134.png"> +<img src="images/i_134.png" width="100%" alt="Melodrama in the Suburbs" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Melodrama in the Suburbs.</span></h3> +<p><i>Elder Sister.</i> "Do give up, +Nellie! They're only acting." <i>Nellie</i> (<i>tearfully</i>). "You leave me +alone. I'm enjoying it!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_136.png"> +<img src="images/i_136.png" width="100%" alt="Ruling Passion" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Ruling Passion.</span></h3> +<p><i>Doctor.</i> "No, my dear sir, we must +keep ourselves quiet for the present. No stimulants—nothing more +exciting than gruel. Gruel for breakfast, gruel for luncheon, gruel for +dinner, gruel for——" <i>Peter Pundoleful</i> (<i>a noted burlesque +writer—though you wouldn't have thought it to look at him—rousing +himself suddenly</i>). "Ah! my dear doctor, why is there not a society for +the prevention of gruelty to animals?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p> + +<h2>HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY</h2> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Ralph Essendean</span>, <i>aged about fifty, is discovered at a +writing-desk. He studies a newspaper, from which he reads aloud, +thoughtfully:—"So that a successful play may bring its author +anything from five to twenty thousand pounds." He lays down the +paper, mutters, "H'm!" and taking up a pencil bites it +meditatively. Enter Mrs. Essendean.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. Essendean</i> (<i>crossing to Ralph, and placing her hand on his +shoulder, asks affectionately</i>). Well, dear, and how is the play getting +on?</p> + +<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>irritably</i>). You talk of the play, Matilda, as though it were +possible to write a four-act drama in ten minutes. The play is not +getting on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> at all well, for the simple reason that I am only just +thinking out the idea.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Essendean</i> (<i>seating herself by the table</i>). How nice, dear! And +what <i>is</i> the idea?</p> + +<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>grimly</i>). That is just what I am wondering about. Now if you +will kindly retire to the kitchen and make an omelette, or discharge the +cook, I shall be obliged.</p> + +<p> [<i>Leans over his desk.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. E.</i> But, dear, I am sure the cook is a most excellent servant, +and——</p> + +<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>turning round and speaking with repressed exasperation</i>). That +was simply my attempt at a humorous explanation of my wish to be alone, +Matilda.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>smiling indulgently and rising</i>). Well, dear, of course if +it's going to be a <i>funny</i> play, I know you would like to be alone. +(<i>Pausing at the open door.</i>) And will you read it to us after dinner? +You know the Willoughby-Smythes will be here, and Mr. and Mrs. Vallance +from the Bank are coming in afterwards. I am sure they would like to +hear it.</p> + +<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>irritably</i>). The play isn't written yet. (<i>Plaintively.</i>) <i>Do</i> +go!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>sweetly</i>). I'm sure you'd like to be alone. Don't keep +dinner waiting.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Beams on him affectionately and exits. Ralph gives a sigh of +relief, rumples his hair, and then writes for a few minutes. Then +pauses, leans back, biting his pencil, when the door is flung open, +and a very good imitation of a whirlwind bursts into the room. The +whirlwind is a robust person of forty, he has a large round red +face fringed with sandy whiskers, and is one mass of health and +happiness. He wears Norfolk jacket, knickerbockers, gaiters and +thick boots, and carries a golfing bag. He slaps Ralph heartily on +the back, and laughs boisterously. Ralph collapses.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Tom</i> (<i>heartily</i>). How are you? Going strong—what? Asked the wife for +you, and she told me you were in here writing a play. Rippin' idea—what?</p> + +<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>worried, but striving to be pleasant and polite</i>). What do you +want, old chap?</p> + +<p><i>Tom</i> (<i>cheerfully</i>). Nothin' particular, only just to see how you were +gettin' on—what? Do you good to have half an hour out, just a few +holes—golf—what?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>with great self-restraint</i>). Thanks, old man. Not now. You +don't mind my asking you to leave me to myself a bit?</p> + +<p><i>Tom</i> (<i>amiably rising and picking up his bag</i>). All right, old chap, +you know best—what? Thought I'd just look in—hey?—what? Well, I'm +off. (<i>Goes to door, thinks for a moment, and then turns round.</i>) I say, +I know Thingummy's acting manager. If I can put in a word about your +play—hey?—what?</p> + +<p><i>Ralph</i> (<i>rises hurriedly. Shakes hands with Tom, and skilfully +manœuvres him into the passage, then calls after him</i>). Good-bye, old +man, and many thanks. (<i>Closes the door and returns to his desk, +grinding his teeth.</i>) Confound him! (<i>Takes up paper and writes a few +lines, then reads aloud.</i>) "Puffington puts the letter in his pocket and +passes his hand through his hair. He groans 'O, why did I ever write +those letters? I know Flossie, and this means fifty pounds at least, and +if ever my mother-in-law gets to hear of it! O lor, here she is'" (<i>Puts +down the paper and looks up at the ceiling.</i>) Now, speaking to myself as +one man to another, I can't help thinking that this sort of thing has +been done before. I seem to have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> heard it somewhere. I'll—I'll—try a +fresh start. (<i>Writes hurriedly for a few minutes and then reads.</i>) +"Scene.—Fashionable watering place, the beach is crowded; on the pier +the band is playing a dreamy waltz. Edwin and Maud are discovered in an +open boat. <i>Edwin.</i> You must be tired of rowing, sweetest; come and +steer. <i>Maud.</i> Just as you like, darling. (<i>As they change seats the +boat capsizes. After clinging for twenty minutes to the upturned keel, +they are rescued by a passing steamer.</i>)" That's all right for a +"situation," but there seems a lack of dialogue. They can't very well +talk while they are clinging to the boat; and what the deuce could they +be talking about before? If I let them drown I shall have to introduce +fresh characters. Bother! (<i>Meditates with frowning brow.</i>) Playwriting +appears to present more difficulties than I thought. (<i>Takes up a +newspaper.</i>) "May bring in anything from five to twenty thousand +pounds!" Sounds tempting, but I wonder how it's done?</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Takes a cigar from the mantelpiece, lights it, and, seating +himself near the fire, smokes thoughtfully. Gradually his head +sinks back on to the top of the chair, the cigar drops from his +relaxed fingers, and as he sleeps, the shadow of a smile breaks +across his face. An hour elapses; he is still sleeping. Enter Mrs. +Essendean, who brushes against the writing-table and sweeps the +sheets of manuscript to the ground.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mrs. Essendean</i> (<i>crossing to Ralph and lightly shaking him</i>). My dear, +my dear, not dressed yet! Do you know the time—just the half-hour.</p> + +<p>(<i>Ralph starts up.</i>) Eh? (<i>Looks at the clock.</i>) Nearly half past, by +Jove! I shan't be two seconds.</p> + +<p> [<i>Rushes hastily from the room.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Essendean (picks up the extinguished cigar, and drops it daintily +into the fire. Looks round the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> room and sees the littering +manuscript.</i>) What an untidy old thing it is! (<i>Picks up the sheets, +crumples them into a ball and throws them into the waste-paper basket.</i>) +There, that looks better. </p> + +<p> [<i>Gazes into the mirror, pats her hair, and +exit.</i></p> + +<center>(<i>End of the play.</i>)</center> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_138.png"> +<img src="images/i_138.png" width="100%" alt="Paradoxical" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Paradoxical.</span></h3> +<p><i>Ethel.</i> "It was a most wonderful +performance, Aunt Tabitha! First, she was shot out of a cannon's mouth +on to a trapeze fifteen yards above the orchestra, and then she swung +herself up till she stood on a rope on one leg at least a hundred and +twenty feet above our heads!" <i>Aunt Tabitha.</i> "Ah! I always think a +woman <i>lowers</i> herself when she does that!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_140.png"> +<img src="images/i_140.png" width="100%" alt="FORM" /></a> +<h3>FORM</h3> +<p><i>First Masher.</i> "Let's stop and look at Punch and Judy, old chappie! +I've heard it's as good as a play."</p> +<p><i>Second Masher.</i> "I dessay it is, my brave boy. But we ain't dressed, +you know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_142.png"> +<img src="images/i_142.png" width="100%" alt="PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS" /></a> +<h3>PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS</h3> +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>Mr. Foote Lyter's back Drawing-room. Private Theatricals. Dress +Rehearsal.</i></p> +<p><i>Mr. Foote Lyter.</i> "I say, Drawle, while the Duke is having his scene +with Dora, where am <i>I</i> to stand!" <i>Captain Drawle</i> (<i>amateur stage +manager</i>). "Well—er—my dear fellow—er—er—it's your own house, you +know—<i>you can stand where you like</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_144.png"> +<img src="images/i_144.png" width="100%" alt="Point of View" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Point of View.</span></h3> +<p><i>Exasperated Old Gentleman</i> (<i>to lady +in front of him</i>). "Excuse me, madam, but my seat has cost me ten +shillings, and I want to see. Your hat——" <i>The Lady.</i> "My hat has cost +me ten <i>guineas</i>, sir, and I want it to <i>be seen</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_146.png"> +<img src="images/i_146.png" width="100%" alt="the Melancholy Dane" /></a> +<p>Tomkins, who has recently made his appearance <i>en +amateur</i> as the Melancholy Dane, goes to have his photograph taken "in +character." Unfortunately, on reaching the corner of the street, he +finds <i>the road is up</i>, and he has to walk to the door! Tableau!!</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%"> +<a href="images/i_147.png"> +<img src="images/i_147.png" width="100%" alt="much over-rated man" /></a> +<p><i>Clever Juvenile</i> (<i>loq.</i>). "Shakspeare? Pooh! For my +part I consider Shakspeare a very much over-rated man."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_148.png"> +<img src="images/i_148.png" width="100%" alt="These are fairies" /></a> +<h3>THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME</h3> +<p><i>Astonished Friend.</i> "Why!—Why! What on earth are these?"</p> +<p><i>Manager.</i> "These? Oh! These are <i>fairies</i>!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_149.png"> +<img src="images/i_149.png" width="100%" alt="MR. PUNCH'S HAT" /></a> +<h3>MR. PUNCH'S PATENT MATINEE HAT.</h3> +<p>Fitted with binocular glasses for the benefit of those sitting behind +its wearer.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_150.png"> +<img src="images/i_150.png" width="100%" alt="Heard at a Provincial Circus" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Heard at a Provincial Circus.</span></h3> +<p><i>Wag</i> (<i>to unfortunate +small gent, who has vainly endeavoured to persuade lady to remove her +hat</i>). "Don't you see she's got a bird in her hat, sitting? You wouldn't +have the lady addle-headed, would you?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_151.png"> +<img src="images/i_151.png" width="100%" alt="The Amateurs" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Amateurs.</span></h3> +<p><i>Suburban Roscius.</i> "Ah, I saw you were at +our 'theatricals' the other night. How did you like my assumption of +<i>Hamlet</i>?" <i>Candid Friend.</i> "My dear f'llar—great'st piece of +assumption I ever saw i' m' life!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_152.png"> +<img src="images/i_152.png" width="100%" alt="CAUSE AND EFFECT" /></a> +<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT</h3> +<p><i>Eminent Provincial Tragedian.</i> "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr +tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!"</p> +<p><i>Sweet One.</i> "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, 'cause I was so +sleepy!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_153.png"> +<img src="images/i_153.png" width="100%" alt="EXCLUSIVE" /></a> +<h3>"EXCLUSIVE"</h3> +<p><i>Our Philanthropist</i> (<i>who often takes the shilling gallery</i>—<i>to his +neighbour</i>). "Only a middling house."</p> +<p><i>Unwashed Artisan.</i> "Ay—that sixpence extry, 'rather heavy for the +likes o' huz, y'know. But there's one thing—it keeps out the +riff-raff!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_154.png"> +<img src="images/i_154.png" width="100%" alt="The Drama" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Drama.</span></h3> +<p><i>Æsthetic Critic</i> (<i>at the club, after the +theatre</i>). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the +<i>dénoûment</i> in <i>Romeo and Juliet</i>? Two lovers, both dying in the same +vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could——"</p> +<p><i>Cynical Old Bachelor</i> (<i>who has evidently never read the play</i>). +"Um—'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_155.png"> +<img src="images/i_155.png" width="100%" alt="They applaud anything" /></a> +<p><i>Distinguished Amateur</i> (<i>about to make his first +appearance in public at a concert for the people</i>). "Oh, I <i>do</i> feel so +nervous!" <i>Sympathetic Friend.</i> "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, +my dear fellow. They applaud <i>anything</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_156.png"> +<img src="images/i_156.png" width="100%" alt="Maiden's Point of View" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">The Maiden's Point of View.</span></h3> +<p><i>Mamma</i> (<i>to Maud, who has +been with her brother to the play, and is full of it</i>). "But was there +no <i>love</i> in the piece, then?" <i>Maud.</i> "<i>Love?</i> Oh dear no, mamma. The +principal characters were <i>husband and wife</i>, you know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_157.png"> +<img src="images/i_157.png" width="100%" alt="COMEDIE FRANÇAISE" /></a> +<h3>A COMEDIE FRANÇAISE</h3> +<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>who understands French so well, although he does not speak +it</i>), <i>reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety</i>:—"'Le +Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gender <i>should</i> the man be, I should +like to know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_158.png"> +<img src="images/i_158.png" width="100%" alt="Those Who Live in Glass Houses" /></a> +<h3>"<span class="smcap">Those Who Live in Glass Houses</span>," <span class="smcap">Etc.</span></h3> +<p><i>The Bishop.</i> "I +hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a +wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't +it?"</p> +<p><i>Lady Godiva.</i> "Yes—a—but I dislike those bare-backed performances. +They're so risky, you know!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_159.png"> +<img src="images/i_159.png" width="100%" alt="cold audience" /></a> +<h3>A very cold audience.</h3> +<center>(Suggestion for the stalls in mid-winter)</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_160.png"> +<img src="images/i_160.png" width="100%" alt="NO COMPRENNY" /></a> +<h3>A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY"</h3> +<p>"Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at +ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!"</p> +<p>"A—no—I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy, +refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French +plays!"</p> +<p>"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Français, alors?"</p> +<p>"A—I beg your pardon?"</p> +<p>"Je vous demande si vous savez le Français, parbleu! Cruche, Melon, +Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Crétin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous êtes?"</p> +<p>"A—quite so! No doubt! A—by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> + +<h2>BETWEEN THE ACTS; OR, THE DRAMA IN LIQUOR</h2> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill +forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown, +Jones, and Robinson.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. Yes; +I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too soon +after dinner for anything stronger.</p> + +<p><i>Jones.</i> Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst for +what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer.</p> + +<p><i>Robinson.</i> Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the +Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, and +really after that capital <i>équivoque</i> one feels quite satisfied. (<i>They +are served by the bar attendant.</i>) That was really very funny, where he +hides behind the door when she is not looking.</p> + +<p> [<i>Laughs at the recollection.</i></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes the +canary-cage!</p> + +<p> [<i>Chuckles.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jones.</i> Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the curtain will be +up directly. Rather clever, I am told. The <i>Rose of Rouen</i>—it is +founded on the life of <i>Joan of Arc</i>. I am rather fond of these +historical studies.</p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> So am I. They are very interesting.</p> + +<p><i>Robinson.</i> Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I prefer +melodrama. Judging from the title, <i>The Gory Hand</i> should be uncommonly +good.</p> + +<p> [<i>Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the Refreshment +Room.</i></p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (<i>To bar +attendant.</i>) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and +for these gentlemen too.</p> + +<p><i>Jones.</i> Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. However, +wants a clear head to understand it. (<i>Sips his soda-water.</i>) I don't +see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to marry the +Englishman.</p> + +<p><i>Robinson.</i> Ah, but that was before the vision.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> If you think it over +carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you must allow +for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding circumstances.</p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> Are you going to stay for <i>The Gory Hand</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Jones.</i> Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough +of it.</p> + +<p><i>Robinson.</i> Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong +scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme.</p> + +<p><i>Jones.</i> Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different +from the other plays.</p> + +<p><i>Robinson.</i> Well, I don't mind horrors—in fact, like them. There goes +the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back.</p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta!</p> + +<p> [<i>Exit Robinson.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jones.</i> Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot +understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the +curtain.</p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> Yes—but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see +by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially +at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> end, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the +assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account.</p> + +<p><i>Jones.</i> No—it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the +merit of being short. (<i>Applause.</i>) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how +Robinson likes it. That <i>tableau</i> at the end, of the +starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful! +(<i>Enter Robinson, staggering in.</i>) Why, my boy, what's the matter?</p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it +all to-rights!</p> + +<p><i>Robinson</i> (<i>with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror</i>). +Help, help! help! (<i>After a long shudder.</i>) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!</p> + +<p> [<i>At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol.</i></p> + +<p><i>Brown.</i> Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for +Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece like <i>The Bells</i>, +you require supporting.</p> + +<p> [<i>Curtain and moral.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_162.png"> +<img src="images/i_162.png" width="100%" alt="the smallest giant" /></a> +<p><i>Manager of "Freak" Show.</i> "Have I got a vacancy for a +giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"</p> +<p><i>Candidate.</i> "Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_164.png"> +<img src="images/i_164.png" width="100%" alt="Irresistible Appeal" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">An Irresistible Appeal.</span></h3> +<p><i>Mrs. Blokey</i> (<i>who has called with a letter of introduction on Mr. +Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor and manager</i>). "And I've brought you +my son, who's breakin' his mother's 'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on +givin' up the city and goin' on the stage—and his father an +alderman and 'im in his father's business, and all the family thought of +so 'ighly in Clapham! It's a <i>great grief</i> to us, <i>I assure</i> you, Mr. +Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But it's too late for that, +I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin' him a leadin' part in +your next piece!"</p> + +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_166.png"> +<img src="images/i_166.png" width="100%" alt="a nasty one for Shakspeare" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">What our Dramatist has to put up with.</span></h3> +<p><i>His Wife</i> (<i>reading a Sunday paper</i>). "<i>A propos of Hamlet</i>, they say +here that you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the +dramatic art!"</p> +<p><i>He.</i> "Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_168.png"> +<img src="images/i_168.png" width="100%" alt="OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE" /></a> +<h3>OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE</h3> +<p>"Yah! Waitin' ter see der <i>kids</i> play!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_169.png"> +<img src="images/i_169.png" width="100%" alt="two long years" /></a> +<p><i>Actor</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). "For <i>two</i> long <i>years</i> have +I——"</p> +<p><i>A Voice from above.</i> "So you 'ave, guv'nor!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_170.png"> +<img src="images/i_170.png" width="100%" alt="STUDY" /></a> +<h3>STUDY</h3> +<p>Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_171.png"> +<img src="images/i_171.png" width="100%" alt="COLOURED CLERGY" /></a> +<h3>COLOURED CLERGY</h3> +<p>(<i>A Memory of St. James's Hall</i>)</p> +<p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing</i>). +"Who do you say they are, my dear!—Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind +of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no +doubt, my dear!!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_172.png"> +<img src="images/i_172.png" width="100%" alt="SUPEREROGATION" /></a> +<h3>SUPEREROGATION</h3> +<p><i>Country Maid</i> (<i>having first seen "missus" and the children into a +cab</i>). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane +Theat——?"</p> +<p><i>Crabbed Old Cabby</i> (<i>with expression of ineffable contempt</i>). "Do I +know! Kim aup——!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_173.png"> +<img src="images/i_173.png" width="100%" alt="Lesh avanother" /></a> +<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>alluding to the song</i>). "Not bad; but I think +the girl might have put a little more <i>spirit</i> into it with advantage."</p> +<p><i>Lushington.</i> "Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_174.png"> +<img src="images/i_174.png" width="100%" alt="After the Theatricals" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">After the Theatricals.</span></h3> +<p>"What on earth made you tell that +appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient +Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you +know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_175.png"> +<img src="images/i_175.png" width="100%" alt="What's a stall at the hopera" /></a> +<p>"Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?"</p> +<p>"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells +the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_176.png"> +<img src="images/i_176.png" width="100%" alt="give us your ticket" /></a> +<p>"Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in again."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_177.png"> +<img src="images/i_177.png" width="100%" alt="DOMESTIC DRAMA" /></a> +<h3>A DOMESTIC DRAMA</h3> +<center>"Admit two to the boxes."</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_178.png"> +<img src="images/i_178.png" width="100%" alt="PROGRESS" /></a> +<h3>PROGRESS</h3> +<p><i>Young Rustic.</i> "Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"</p> +<p><i>Senior</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday +skewl, and don't know that!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p> + +<h2>"HAMLET" A LA SAUCE DUMB-CRAMBO</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_179a.png"> +<img src="images/i_179a.png" width="100%" alt="flesh would melt" /></a> +<h3>"Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt!"—Act I., +Sc. 2.</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_179b.png"> +<img src="images/i_179b.png" width="100%" alt="a tail unfold" /></a> +<h3>"I could a tail unfold!"—<i>Ibid.</i></h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_179c.png"> +<img src="images/i_179c.png" width="100%" alt="What a falling off was there" /></a> +<h3>"What a falling off was there!"—<i>Ibid.</i></h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_179d.png"> +<img src="images/i_179d.png" width="100%" alt="I scent the morning hair" /></a> +<h3>"Methinks I scent the morning hair!"—<i>Ibid.</i></h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_179e.png"> +<img src="images/i_179e.png" width="100%" alt="Brief let me be" /></a> +<h3>"Brief let me be!"—<i>Ibid.</i></h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_179f.png"> +<img src="images/i_179f.png" width="100%" alt="Lend thy serious ear-ring" /></a> +<h3>"Lend thy serious ear-ring to what I shall unfold!"—Act +I., Sc. 5.</h3> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_180a.png"> +<img src="images/i_180a.png" width="100%" alt="Toby, or not Toby" /></a> +<h3>"Toby, or not Toby? that is the question."—Act II., Sc. 2.</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_180b.png"> +<img src="images/i_180b.png" width="100%" alt="The King, sir" /></a> +<h3>"The King, sir."—"Ay, sir, what of him?"—"Is in his +retirement marvellous distempered."—"With drink, sir!"—"No, my lord, +rather with collar!"—Act III., Sc. 2.</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_180.png"> +<img src="images/i_180.png" width="100%" alt="my offence is rank" /></a> +<h3>"Oh, my offence is rank!"—Act III., Sc. 3.</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_180c.png"> +<img src="images/i_180c.png" width="100%" alt="tis for the head" /></a> +<h3>"Put your bonnet to his right use—'tis for the head."—Act V., Sc. 2.</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/i_181.png"> +<img src="images/i_181.png" width="100%" alt="Coming Events" /></a> +<h3>"<span class="smcap">Coming Events cast their Shadows before +them.</span>"</h3> +<p><i>Domesticated Wife.</i> "Oh, George, I wish you'd just——" +<i>Talented Husband</i> (<i>author of various successful comic songs for music +halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti</i>). "Oh, for +goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother me <i>now</i>! You might <i>see</i> I'm trying +to work out some <i>quite</i> new lines for the fairy in the transformation +scene of the pantomime!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_182.png"> +<img src="images/i_182.png" width="100%" alt="A SENSITIVE EAR" /></a> +<h3>A SENSITIVE EAR.</h3> +<p><i>Intelligent Briton.</i> "But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the +name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply +torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and +significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"</p> +<p><i>Mademoiselle.</i> "Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite +English blank verse!"</p> +<p><i>Intelligent Briton.</i> "Of course not. I mean <i>French</i> blank verse—the +blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Molière!"</p> +<p><i>Mademoiselle.</i> "Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"</p> +<p> [<i>Briton still tries to look intelligent.</i></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> + +<h2>DUMB-CRAMBO'S GUIDE TO THE LONDON THEATRES</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_183a.png"> +<img src="images/i_183a.png" width="100%" alt="Drew wry lane" /></a> +<h3>Drew wry lane</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_183b.png"> +<img src="images/i_183b.png" width="100%" alt="Cove in garden" /></a> +<h3>Cove in garden</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_183c.png"> +<img src="images/i_183c.png" width="100%" alt="Cry-teary 'un" /></a> +<h3>Cry-teary 'un</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_183d.png"> +<img src="images/i_183d.png" width="100%" alt="Prints of whales" /></a> +<h3>Prints of whales</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_183e.png"> +<img src="images/i_183e.png" width="100%" alt="A—mark it!" /></a> +<h3>"A—mark it!"</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_183f.png"> +<img src="images/i_183f.png" width="100%" alt="Gay at tea" /></a> +<h3>Gay at tea</h3> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_184a.png"> +<img src="images/i_184a.png" width="100%" alt="Princesses and royal tea" /></a> +<h3>Princesses and royal tea</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_184b.png"> +<img src="images/i_184b.png" width="100%" alt="Globe" /></a> +<h3>Globe</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_184c.png"> +<img src="images/i_184c.png" width="100%" alt="Scent, James?" /></a> +<h3>"Scent, James?"</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_184d.png"> +<img src="images/i_184d.png" width="100%" alt="Strand and save, hoi!" /></a> +<h3>Strand and "save, hoi!"</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/i_184e.png"> +<img src="images/i_184e.png" width="100%" alt="Only in play!" /></a> +<h3>Only in play!</h3> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_184f.png"> +<img src="images/i_184f.png" width="100%" alt="The actor who has his head turned" /></a> +<h3>The actor who has his head turned with applause</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/i_185.png"> +<img src="images/i_185.png" width="100%" alt="CURTAIN-RAISERS" /></a> +<h3>CURTAIN-RAISERS</h3> +<p><i> Extract from Ethel's +correspondence</i>:—"At the last moment something went wrong with the +curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector +explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescue +<i>nobly</i>!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_186.png"> +<img src="images/i_186.png" width="100%" alt="there was a sleep-walking scene" /></a> +<p>"Well, how did the new play go off last night?"</p> +<p>"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather +effective." "<i>À la Lady Macbeth</i>, eh?"</p> +<p>"Well—not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and +walked out!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_187.png"> +<img src="images/i_187.png" width="100%" alt="Lion Comique" /></a> +<h3>MUSIC HALL TYPES</h3> +<center>I.—The "Lion Comique"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<img src="images/i_189.png" width="100%" alt="The Serio" /> +<h3>MUSIC HALL TYPES</h3> +<center>II.—The "Serio"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/i_191.png"> +<img src="images/i_191.png" width="100%" alt="Refined Comedian" /></a> +<h3>MUSIC HALL TYPES</h3> +<center>III.—The "Refined Comedian"</center> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_188.png"> +<img src="images/i_188.png" width="100%" alt="On Tour" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">On Tour.</span></h3> +<p><i>Heavy Tragedian.</i> "Do you let apartments +to—ah—the profession?" <i>Unsophisticated Landlady.</i> "Oh, yes, sir. Why, +last week we had the performing dogs here!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_190.png"> +<img src="images/i_190.png" width="100%" alt="Art and Nature" /></a> +<h3><span class="smcap">Art and Nature.</span></h3> +<center>(<i>Overheard during the Private Theatricals.</i>)</center> +<p><i>She.</i> "How well your wife plays <i>Lady Geraldine</i>, Mr. Jones. I think +the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How +<i>does</i> she manage it?"</p> +<p><i>Mr. Jones</i> (<i>with embarrassment</i>). "Er—she doesn't. That's her natural +voice."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/i_192.png"> +<img src="images/i_192.png" width="100%" alt="CONVINCING" /></a> +<h3>CONVINCING</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/i_193.png"> +<img src="images/i_193.png" width="100%" alt="FINIS" /></a> +</div> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<center>BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</center> +<br /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch at the Play, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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