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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Amusing Prose Chap Books
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: R. H. Cunningham
+
+Release Date: June 25, 2011 [EBook #36517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMUSING PROSE CHAP BOOKS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Feòrag NicBhrìde, Ron Stephens, David Garcia
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/American
+Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                  AMUSING
+
+             PROSE CHAP-BOOKS
+
+           _Chiefly of Last Century_
+
+                 EDITED BY
+          ROBERT HAYS CUNNINGHAM
+
+       LONDON: HAMILTON, ADAMS, & CO
+        GLASGOW: THOMAS D. MORISON
+                   1889
+
+
+
+
+
+  EDITORIAL NOTE.
+
+
+Of late years there has been a largely increasing interest on the
+subject of folklore in its various departments. In such respects there
+has been a very considerable change in the feelings and tastes of the
+educated middle-class population of this country, from what there was
+several generations ago. Formerly the educated classes appeared to think
+that anything relating to the tastes or ideas of the common people was
+of very little interest. And in the course of some two hundred years
+back, leaving out the present time, the number of writers who thought it
+worth their while to deal with such topics were not much more than a
+dozen in number, including such men as Aubrey, Bourne, Brand, Hone,
+Strut, Halliwell, etc. Now, all that is changed, and it has been
+discovered that much of extreme interest can be learned from the
+superstitions, habits, beliefs, tastes, customs, ideas, amusements, and
+general social life of the uneducated or lower classes of previous
+times.
+
+Not the least interesting or least important of the many sources from
+which information on these and similar matters, can be obtained, is that
+of the _people's_ earliest popular literature--namely, the chap-book.
+Beginning at little after the commencement of the eighteenth century,
+and continuing for over a hundred years afterwards, right up to the
+general introduction and use of cheap magazines and cheap newspapers,
+the chap-book was almost the only kind of reading within the reach of
+the poorer portion of the nation.
+
+What adds greatly both to the interest attaching to the chap-book
+literature and to its importance, is the fact, that these literary
+productions, if they may be so termed, were almost entirely written by
+the people themselves; that is, they were written by the people for the
+people. This fact intensifies the conviction that they give a true and
+unvarnished description of the lower orders and their ways. Then, as
+now, every district had its proportion of local geniuses, who had a gift
+above their fellows in the matter of storytelling, or some other such
+way. And in many instances these narratives became chap-books, and were
+printed and reprinted times without number at the various printing
+establishments over the country devoted to business of that description.
+
+With regard to this feature in chap-book literature already referred
+to--namely, that it was composed by the people for the people, and thus
+gives a true portraiture of many features in their social life--still
+more may be said. It being the case that not a few of those who hawked
+these cheap volumes over the country were themselves the authors of some
+of them, and in the composition of the chaps, to a considerable extent,
+just reproduced circumstances, incidents, and narratives that they had
+met with in their wanderings over the country.
+
+To a very marked degree was this the case in the most prominent of all
+the Scottish chap-book writers--namely, Dougal Graham. See his works,
+two volumes octavo, collected and edited by George MacGregor in 1883. It
+would appear that at an early period of Graham's peregrinations he
+accompanied Prince Charlie's army in 1745-46 throughout its various
+fortunes, pursuing his trade as a hawker of sundry articles that might
+be in demand by the prince's retainers. After that event was over,
+Graham continued the calling of hawker and chapman, at the same time
+becoming the author of a number of chap-books. But after a while he got
+a step or two further on; for, finding such an immense demand for his
+extremely amusing, though coarse, volumes, he ultimately set up a
+printing press of his own, for the purpose of producing his chaps and
+supplying the chapmen with them, by whom they were spread broadcast over
+the country. The knowledge of such instances as this lends much
+additional value to the chap-book, as containing a forcible description
+of the social life and ideas of the masses in former times.
+
+A slight study of this department of literature will show that there
+was, then as now, much variety in the tastes of the people. And we also
+find that in this respect the various tastes could be fairly well met
+from among the stores of the chap-book publisher. In these days, just as
+at the present time, there had been any amount of enterprise on the part
+of authors and publishers in furnishing readers with whatever their
+fancy might desire. The _Litteratura Vulgi_ may be fairly well divided
+into the following or similar classifications:--Historical,
+biographical, religious, romantic, poetical, humorous, fabulous,
+supernatural, diabolical, legendary, superstitious, criminal,
+jest-books, etc.
+
+The strictly religious appear to be the fewest in number. The
+supernatural and the superstitious elements appear to have been more in
+demand, as the supply of such classes seems to have been greater,--in
+these days the marvellous had evidently very great charms. The romantic
+likewise had been in great request,--the old romances handed down from
+the days long before printing was invented continued up till last
+century to be of undiminished interest. Also, from the number of
+poetical chaps that have come down to us, it is evident that the demand
+for them had been great all over the country. The most popular of all,
+however, appears to have been the humorous section, which again might be
+subdivided into a variety of departments, each with numerous
+representatives. The love of fun and frolic was apparently as deeply
+implanted in the feelings and tastes of previous generations as of the
+present.
+
+Printing establishments devoted to the production of chap-books were
+pretty well scattered all over the country. In England the principal
+places appear to have been London, York, Birmingham, and Newcastle. In
+Scotland, the towns of Glasgow, Stirling, Falkirk, and Montrose appear
+to have carried off the palm in that respect. In Ireland there had been
+few places besides Dublin and Belfast.
+
+The immense volume of business done in the production of the chap-book,
+and its importance as an article of trade all over the country, has been
+a matter of surprise; and the more one investigates into the facts of
+the case, the more is one impressed with the magnitude of the
+institution. It appears to have given employment to many thousands of
+chapmen and printers' employees. As an instance of the profits derivable
+from the business as an article of trade, one publisher of chap-books,
+and that not in an especially large way, is known to have retired with
+accumulated profits amounting to £30,000, which in these days would
+represent a much larger sum than it does now.
+
+Notwithstanding the immense quantities of chap-books circulated
+broadcast over the country, comparatively early copies are now extremely
+rare. And the desire on the part of the public for their possession is
+now so great that about sixty times their original price is readily
+given--that is, what originally was sold for one penny, now frequently
+fetches five shillings, and sometimes more.
+
+In the present collection, which is chiefly of last century, the reader
+will find considerable variety, containing as it does interesting
+specimens of several classes or divisions of the popular literature,
+mostly, however, of an amusing and humorous nature; and from the perusal
+of the majority of the chaps herein contained, a good deal of
+entertainment may be derived.
+
+As a companion volume, it is the Editor's intention to issue shortly a
+collection of AMUSING POETICAL CHAP-BOOKS.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+   THE COMICAL HISTORY OF THE                              PAGE
+   KING AND THE COBBLER
+
+   Containing the Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+   played by the Cobbler, how he got acquainted with the King,
+   became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after,         13
+
+   THE MERRY TALES OF THE
+   WISE MEN OF GOTHAM,                                       23
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   THOMAS HICKATHRIFT,                                       35
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   JACK THE GIANT-KILLER
+
+   Containing his Birth and Parentage; His Meeting with the
+   King's Son; His Noble Conquests over many Monstrous
+   Giants; and his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he afterwards
+   married,                                                  53
+
+   SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES
+   AND HIS
+   WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY
+
+   Which began the very next Morning after their Marriage,   69
+
+   THE ADVENTURES OF
+   BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,
+
+   Who was for more than forty years King of the Beggars,    78
+
+   THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF
+   PADDY FROM CORK
+
+   With his Coat Buttoned behind, being an Elegant Conference
+   between English Tom and Irish Teague; with Paddy's
+   Catechism, and his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor,   95
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   DICK WHITTINGTON
+   AND HIS CAT,                                             117
+
+   THE MAD PRANKS OF
+   TOM TRAM,
+
+   Son in Law to Mother Winter; to which are added his Merry
+   Jests and Pleasant Tales,                                127
+
+   A YORK DIALOGUE BETWEEN
+   NED AND HARRY:
+
+   Or Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship and Marriage
+   State,                                                   141
+
+   DANIEL O'ROURKE'S WONDERFUL
+   VOYAGE TO THE MOON.                                      150
+
+   MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET
+   NEWLY BROKE OPEN;
+
+   Containing Rare Secrets of Nature and Art, tried and experienced
+   by Learned Philosophers, and recommended to all ingenious
+   young men and maids, teaching them, in a natural way, how
+   to get good wives and husbands. Approved by several that
+   have made trial of them; it being the product of forty-nine
+   years' study. By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King,
+   a lover of Mirth but a hater of Treason. In Two Parts,   159
+
+   THE COMICAL HISTORY OF THE
+   COURTIER AND TINKER,                                     178
+
+   THE HISTORY OF THE
+   FOUR KINGS
+
+   Of Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland, their
+   Queens and Daughters; being the Merry Tales of Tom
+   Hodge and his School-Fellows,                            187
+
+   THE PENNY
+   BUDGET OF WIT
+   AND PACKAGE OF DROLLERY,                                 200
+
+   THE MERRY CONCEITS OF
+   TOM LONG THE CARRIER,
+
+   Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which he observed
+   in his Travels. Full of Honest Mirth and Delight,        219
+
+   THE STORY OF
+   BLUE BEARD
+
+   Or the Effects of Female Curiosity,                      230
+
+   THE LIFE OF
+   MANSIE WAUCH
+
+   Tailor in Dalkeith,                                      236
+
+   THE LIFE AND ASTONISHING ADVENTURES OF
+   Peter Williamson
+
+   Who was carried off when a Child from Aberdeen and sold for a
+   Slave,                                                   254
+
+   THE FAMOUS EXPLOITS OF
+   ROBIN HOOD,
+   LITTLE JOHN, AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL,
+
+   Including an Account of his Birth, Education, and Death, 269
+
+   HISTORY OF
+   DR. FAUSTUS
+
+   Showing his wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+   to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+   what he pleased, also many strange things done by him with
+   the assistance of
+
+   MEPHISTOPHELES,
+
+   With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+   twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces,               286
+
+   THE WHOLE LIFE AND DEATH OF
+   LONG MEG
+
+   Of Westminster,                                          299
+
+   THE FAMOUS HISTORY OF THE LEARNED
+   FRIAR BACON
+
+   Giving a Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage, with the
+   many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime, to the
+   amazement of all the World,                              309
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   THE BLIND BEGGAR
+   OF BETHNAL GREEN,
+
+   Containing his Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars
+   and Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+   how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her being
+   Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind Beggar
+   dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the Knight and the
+   Beggar's Daughter being Married; and, lastly, how the
+   famous Pedigree of the Beggar was discovered, and other
+   Things worthy of Note,                                    324
+
+   THE PLEASANT HISTORY OF
+   POOR ROBIN
+   THE MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN
+
+   Showing the Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+   and how he Tricked a Rich Miser, etc. Very diverting for
+   a Winter Evening Fireside,                               337
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    AMUSING PROSE CHAP-BOOKS.
+
+                     THE COMICAL HISTORY
+
+                          OF THE
+
+                     KING AND THE COBBLER
+
+                        CONTAINING
+
+   The Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+                   played by the Cobbler
+            How he got acquainted with the King,
+       became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _How King Henry VIII. used to visit the watches in the city
+             and how he became acquainted with a
+                       merry, jovial cobbler._
+
+
+It was the custom of King Henry the Eighth to walk late in the night
+into the city disguised, to observe and take notice how the constables
+and watch performed their duty, not only in guarding the city gates, but
+also in diligently watching the inner parts of the city, that so they
+might, in a great measure, prevent those disturbances and casualties
+which too often happen in great and populous cities in the night; and
+this he did oftentimes, without the least discovery who he was,
+returning home to Whitehall early in the morning.
+
+Now, on his return home through the Strand, he took notice of a certain
+cobbler who was constantly up at work whistling and singing every
+morning. The king was resolved to see him and be acquainted with him, in
+order to which he immediately knocks the heel off his shoe by hitting it
+against a stone, and having so done, he bounced at the cobbler's stall.
+
+"Who's there?" cries the cobbler.
+
+"Here's one," cries the king. With that the cobbler opened the stall
+door, and the king asked him if he could put the heel on his shoe.
+
+"Yes, that I can," says the cobbler; "come in, honest fellow, and sit
+thee down by me and I will do it for thee straight," the cobbler
+scraping his awls and old shoes to one side to make room for the king to
+sit down.
+
+The king being hardly able to forbear laughing at the kindness of the
+cobbler, asked him if there was not a house hard by that sold a cup of
+ale and the people up.
+
+"Yes," said the cobbler, "there is an inn over the way, where I believe
+the folks are up, for the carriers go from thence very early in the
+morning."
+
+With that the king borrowed an old shoe off the cobbler and went over to
+the inn, desired the cobbler would bring his shoe to him thither as soon
+as he had put on the heel again. The cobbler promised he would; so
+making what haste he could to put on the heel, he carries it over to the
+king, saying, "Honest blade, here is thy shoe again, and I warrant thee
+it will not come off in such haste again."
+
+"Very well," says the king; "what must you have for your pains?"
+
+"A couple of pence," replied the cobbler.
+
+"Well," said the king, "seeing thou art an honest merry fellow, there is
+a tester for thee; come, sit down by me, I will drink a full pot with
+thee; come, here's a good health to the king."
+
+"With all my heart," said the cobbler, "I'll pledge thee were it in
+water."
+
+So the cobbler sat down by the king and was very merry, and drank off
+his liquor very freely; he likewise sung some of his merry songs and
+catches, whereat the king laughed heartily and was very jocund and
+pleasant with the cobbler, telling him withal that his name was Harry
+Tudor, that he belonged to the court, and that if he would come and see
+him there, he would make him very welcome, because he was a merry
+companion, and charged him not to forget his name, and to ask any one
+for him about the court and they would soon bring him to him; "For,"
+said the king, "I am very well known there."
+
+Now the cobbler little dreamt that he was the king that spake to him,
+much less that the king's name was Harry Tudor. Therefore, with a great
+deal of confidence, he stands up and puts off his hat, makes two or
+three scrapes with his foot and gives the king many thanks, also telling
+him that he was one of the most honest fellows he ever met with in all
+his lifetime, and although he never had been at court, yet he should not
+be long before he would make a holiday to come and see him.
+
+Whereupon the king paying for what they had drunk, would have taken his
+leave of the cobbler; but he, not being willing to part with him, took
+hold of his hand and said, "By my faith you must not go, you shall not
+go, you shall first go and see my poor habitation. I have there a tub of
+good brown ale that was never tapped yet, and you must go and taste it,
+for you are the most honest blade I ever met withal, and I love an
+honest merry companion with all my heart."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How the cobbler entertained the king in his cellar, and
+         of the disturbance they had like to have had
+                      by his wife Joan._
+
+
+So the cobbler took the king with him over the way, where he had his
+cellar adjoining the stall, which was handsomely and neatly furnished
+for a man of his profession. Into the cellar he took the king. "There,"
+said he, "sit down, you are welcome; but I must desire you to speak
+softly, for fear of waking my wife Joan, who lies hard by (showing the
+king a close bed made neatly up at one corner of the cellar, much like a
+closet), for if she should wake she will make our ears ring again."
+
+At which speech of the cobbler the king laughed and told him he would be
+mindful and follow his directions.
+
+Whereupon the cobbler kindled up a fire and fetched out a brown loaf,
+from which he cut a lusty toast, which he sat baking at the fire; then
+he brought out his Cheshire cheese. "Now," says he, "there is as much
+fellowship in eating as in drinking."
+
+Which made the king admire the honest freedom of the cobbler. So having
+eaten a bit the cobbler began. "A health to all true hearts and merry
+companions;" at which the king smiled, saying, "Friend, I'll pledge
+thee."
+
+In this manner they ate and drank together till it was almost break of
+day; the cobbler being very free with his liquor, and delighting the
+king with several of his old stories, insomuch that he was highly
+pleased with the manner of his entertainment; when, on a sudden, the
+cobbler's wife Joan began to awake. "I'faith," says the cobbler, "you
+must begone, my wife Joan begins to grumble, she'll awake presently, and
+I would not for half the shoes in my shop she should find you here."
+
+Then taking the king by the hand, he led him up the stairs, saying,
+"Farewell, honest friend, it shan't be long before I make a holiday to
+come and see thee at court."
+
+"Thou shalt be kindly welcome," replied the king.
+
+So they parted, the king on his way to Whitehall and the cobbler to his
+cellar, and there putting all things to rights before his wife Joan got
+up, he went to work again, whistling and singing as merry as he used to
+be, being much satisfied that he happened on so good and jovial a
+companion, still pleasing himself in his thoughts how merry he should be
+when he came to court.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+     _How the cobbler prepared himself to go to court and how
+                he was set out in the best manner
+                         by his wife Joan._
+
+
+Now as soon as the king came home, he sent out orders about the court,
+that if any one inquired for him by the name of Harry Tudor, they should
+immediately bring him before him, whatever he was, without any further
+examination.
+
+The cobbler thought every day a month till he had been at court to see
+his new acquaintance, and was troubled how he should get leave of his
+wife Joan, for he could not get without her knowledge, by reason he did
+resolve to make himself as fine as he could, for his wife always keeped
+the keys of his holiday clothes; whereupon one evening, as they sat at
+supper, finding her in a very good humour, he began to lay open his mind
+to her, telling her the whole story of their acquaintance, repeating it
+over and over again, that he was the most honest fellow that ever he met
+withal. "Husband," quoth she, "because you have been so ingenious as to
+tell me the whole truth, I will give you leave to make a holiday, for
+this once you shall go to court, and I will make you as fine as I can."
+
+So it was agreed that he should go to court the next day; whereupon
+Joan rose betime the next morning to brush up her husband's holiday
+clothes and make him as fine as she could. She washed and ironed the
+lace-band, and made his shoes shine that he might see his face in them;
+having done this she made her husband rise and pull off his shirt. Then
+she washed him with warm water from head to foot, putting on him a clean
+shirt; afterwards she dressed him in his holiday clothes, pinning his
+laced band in prim.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _The cobbler's reception at court with the manner of his
+                     behaviour before the king._
+
+
+The cobbler being thus set forth, he strutted through the street like a
+crow in a gutter, thinking himself as fine as the best of them all.
+
+In this manner he came to the court, staring on this body and on that
+body as he walked up and down, and not knowing how to ask for Harry
+Tudor. At last he espied one as he thought, in the habit of a
+servant-man, to whom he made his address, saying--
+
+"Dost thou hear, honest fellow, do you know one Harry Tudor who belongs
+to the court?"
+
+"Yes," said the man, "follow me and I will bring you to him."
+
+With that he had him presently up into the guard chamber, telling one of
+the yeomen of the guard there was one that inquired for Harry Tudor.
+
+The yeoman replied: "I know him very well; if you please to go along
+with me, I'll bring you to him immediately."
+
+So the cobbler followed the yeoman, admiring very much the prodigious
+finery of the rooms which he carried him through. He thought within
+himself that the yeoman was mistaken in the person whom he inquired for;
+for, said he, "He whom I look for is a plain, merry, honest fellow, his
+name is Harry Tudor; we drank two pots together not long since. I
+suppose he may belong to some lord or other about the court?"
+
+"I tell you, friend," replied the yeoman, "I know him very well, do you
+but follow me and I shall bring you to him instantly."
+
+So going forward, he came into the room where the king was accompanied
+by several of his nobles, who attended him.
+
+As soon as the yeoman had put up by the arras, he spoke aloud, "May it
+please your majesty, here is one that inquires for Harry Tudor."
+
+The cobbler hearing this, thought he had committed no less than treason,
+therefore he up with his heels and ran for it; but not being acquainted
+with the several turnings and rooms through which he came, he was soon
+overtaken and brought before the king, whom the cobbler little thought
+to be the person he inquired after, therefore in a trembling condition
+he fell down on his knees, saying--
+
+"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I am a poor
+cobbler, who inquired for one Harry Tudor, who is a very honest fellow;
+I mended the heel of his shoe not long since, and for which he paid me
+nobly and gave me two pots to boot; but I had him afterwards to my
+cellar, where we drank part of a cup of nappy ale and we were very merry
+til my wife Joan began to grumble, which put an end to our merriment for
+that time; but I told him I would come to the court and see him as soon
+as conveniently I could."
+
+"Well," said the king, "don't be troubled, would you know this honest
+fellow again if you could see him?"
+
+The cobbler replied, "Yes; that I will among a thousand."
+
+"Then," said the king, "stand up and be not afraid, but look well about
+you, peradventure you may find the fellow in this company."
+
+Whereupon the cobbler arose and looked wistfully upon the king and the
+rest of the nobles, but it was to little or no purpose; for, though he
+saw something in the king's face which he thought he had seen before,
+yet he could not be Harry Tudor, the heel of whose shoe he had mended
+and who had been so merry a companion with him at the inn and at his own
+cellar.
+
+He therefore told the king he did not expect to find Harry Tudor among
+such fine folks as he saw there, but that the person he looked for was a
+plain, honest fellow. Adding withal, that he was sure that did Harry
+Tudor but know he was come to court, he would make him very welcome,
+"For," says the cobbler, "when we parted he charged me to come to court
+soon and see him, which I promised I would, and accordingly I have made
+a holiday on purpose to have a glass with him."
+
+At which speech of the cobbler's the king had much ado to forbear
+laughing out, but keeping his countenance as steady as he could before
+the cobbler, he spoke to the yeoman of the guard.
+
+"Here," said he, "take this honest cobbler down into my cellar and let
+him drink my health, and I will give orders that Harry Tudor shall come
+to him presently."
+
+So away they went, the cobbler being fit to leap out of his skin for
+joy, not only that he had come off so well, but that he should see his
+friend Harry Tudor.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _The cobbler's entertainment in the king's cellar._
+
+
+The cobbler had not been long in the king's cellar, before the king came
+to him in the same habit that he had on when the cobbler mended his
+shoe; whereupon the cobbler knew him immediately and ran and kissed him,
+saying, "Honest Harry, I have made an holiday on purpose to see you, but
+I had much ado to get leave of my wife Joan, who was loath to lose so
+much time from my work; but I was resolved to see you and therefore I
+made myself as fine as I could; but I'll tell thee, Harry, when I came
+to court I was in a peck of troubles how to find you out; but at last I
+met with a man who told me he knew you very well and that he would bring
+me to you, but instead of doing so he brought me before the king, which
+almost frightened me out of my seven senses; but faith, I'm resolved to
+be merry with you now, since I have met you at last."
+
+"Aye, that we shall," replied the king; "we shall be as merry as
+princes."
+
+Now after the cobbler had drunk about four or five good healths, he
+began to be merry and fell a-singing his old songs and catches, which
+pleased the king very much and made him laugh heartily.
+
+When on a sudden several of the nobles came into the cellar,
+extraordinary rich in apparel, and all stood uncovered before Harry
+Tudor, which put the cobbler into great amazement at first, but
+presently recovering himself, he looked more wistfully upon Harry Tudor,
+and soon knowing him to be the king, whom he saw in his presence
+chamber, though in another habit, he immediately fell upon his knees
+saying--
+
+"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I am a poor
+honest cobbler and mean no harm."
+
+"No, no," said the king, "nor shall receive any here, I assure you."
+
+He commanded him therefore to rise and be merry as he was before, and,
+though he knew him to be the king, yet he should use the same freedom
+with him as he did before, when he mended the heel of his shoe.
+
+This kind speech of the king's and three or four glasses of wine made
+the cobbler be in as good humour as before, telling the king several of
+his old stories and singing some of his best songs, very much to the
+satisfaction of the king and all his nobles.
+
+
+
+
+    THE COBBLER'S SONG IN THE KING'S CELLAR.
+
+
+    Come let us drink the other pot,
+      Our sorrows to confound;
+    We'll laugh and sing before the king,
+      So let his health go round.
+    For I am as bold as bold can be,
+      No cobbler e'er was ruder;
+    Then here, good fellow, here's to thee,
+      (Remembering Harry Tudor.)
+
+    When I'm at work within my stall,
+      Upon him I will think;
+    His kindness I to mind will call,
+      Whene'er I eat or drink.
+    His kindness was to me so great,
+      The like was never known,
+    His kindness I shall still repeat,
+      And so shall my wife Joan.
+
+    I'll laugh when I sit in my stall,
+      And merrily will sing;
+    That I with my poor last and awl,
+      Am fellow with the king.
+    But it is more I must confess,
+      Than I at first did know;
+    But Harry Tudor, ne'ertheless,
+      Resolves it shall be so.
+
+    And now farewell unto Whitehall,
+      I homeward must retire;
+    To sing and whistle in my stall,
+      My Joan will me desire.
+    I do but think how she shall laugh,
+      When she hears of this thing,
+    That he that drank her nut-brown ale,
+      Was England's Royal King.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How the cobbler became a courtier._
+
+
+Now the king considering the pleasant humour of the cobbler, how
+innocently merry he was and free from any design; that he was a person
+that laboured very hard, and took a great deal of pains for a small
+livelihood, was pleased, out of his princely grace and favour, to allow
+him a liberal annuity of forty merks a year, for the better support of
+his jolly humour and the maintenance of his wife Joan, and that he
+should be admitted one of his courtiers, and that he might have the
+freedom of his cellar whenever he pleased.
+
+Which being so much beyond expectation, did highly exalt the cobbler's
+humour, much to the satisfaction of the king.
+
+So after a great many legs and scrapes, he returned home to his wife
+Joan, with the joyful news of his reception at court, which so well
+pleased her that she did not think much at the great pains she took in
+decking him for the journey.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                   THE MERRY TALES
+
+                       OF THE
+
+                  WISE MEN OF GOTHAM.
+
+
+    TALE I.
+
+There were two men of Gotham, and one of them was going to Nottingham
+market to buy sheep, and both met together on Nottingham bridge. "Well
+met," said one to the other; "whither are you going?" said he that came
+from Nottingham. "Marry," said he that was going thither, "I am going to
+the market to buy sheep." "Buy sheep!" said the other, "which way will
+you bring them home?" "Marry," said the other, "I will bring them over
+this bridge." "By Robin Hood," said he that came from Nottingham, "but
+thou shalt not." "By my maid Margery," said the other, "but I will."
+"You shall not," said the one. "I will," said the other. Then they beat
+their staves one against the other and then against the ground, as if a
+hundred sheep had been betwixt them. "Hold there," said the one. "Beware
+of my sheep leaping over the bridge," said the other. "I care not," said
+the one. "They shall all come this way," said the other. "But they shall
+not," said the one. "Then," said the other, "if thou makest much ado, I
+will put my finger in thy mouth." "A groat thou wilt," said the other.
+And as they were in contention, another wise man that belonged to
+Gotham, came from the market with a sack of meal on his horse, and
+seeing his neighbours at strife about sheep and none betwixt them, said
+he, "Ah! fools, will you never learn wit? Then help me," continued he,
+"to lay this sack upon my shoulder." They did so and he went to the side
+of the bridge and shook out the meal into the river, saying, "How much
+meal is there in my sack, neighbour?" "Marry," said one, "there is
+none." "Indeed," replied this wise man, "even so much wit is there in
+your two heads, to strive for what you have not." Now which was the
+wisest of these three I leave thee to judge.
+
+
+    TALE II.
+
+There was a man of Gotham that rode to the market with two bushels of
+wheat, and, lest his horse should be damaged by carrying too great a
+burden, he was determined to carry the corn himself upon his own neck,
+and still kept riding upon his horse till he arrived at the end of his
+journey. I will leave you to judge which was the wisest, his horse or
+himself.
+
+
+    TALE III.
+
+On a time the men of Gotham fain would have pinned in the cuckoo that
+she might sing all the year, and in the midst of the town they had a
+hedge made round in compass, and got a cuckoo and put her into it, and
+said, "Sing here and thou shalt lack neither meat nor drink all the
+year." The cuckoo, when she found herself encompassed by the hedge, flew
+away. "A vengeance on her," said these wise men, "we did not make our
+hedge high enough."
+
+
+    TALE IV.
+
+There was a man of Gotham who went to Nottingham market to sell cheese,
+and going down the hill to Nottingham bridge, one of his cheeses fell
+out of his wallet and ran down the hill. "Prithee," said the man, "can
+you run to the market alone? I'll now send one after another." Then
+laying his wallet down and taking out the cheeses, he tumbled them down
+the hill one after another. Some ran into one bush and some into
+another. He charged them, however, to meet him at the market place. The
+man went to the market to meet the cheeses and staying till the market
+was almost over, then went and inquired of his neighbours if they saw
+his cheeses come to the market. "Why, who should bring them?" says one.
+"Marry, themselves," said the fellow, "they knew the way very well. A
+vengeance on them, they ran so fast I was afraid they would run beyond
+the market; I am sure they are by this time as far as York." So he
+immediately rode to York, but was much disappointed. And to add to it he
+never found nor heard of one of his cheeses.
+
+
+    TALE V.
+
+A man of Gotham bought, at Nottingham market, a trevet of bar iron, and
+going home with it his feet grew weary with the carriage. He set it
+down and seeing it had three feet said, "Prithee, thou hast three feet
+and I but two; thou shalt bear me home if thou wilt," so he set himself
+down upon it and said to it, "Bear me as long as I have done thee, for
+if thou dost not thou shalt stand still for me." The man of Gotham saw
+his trevet would not move. "Stand still," said he, "in the mayor's name
+and follow me if thou wilt and I can show you the right way." When he
+went home his wife asked where the trevet was. He said it had three legs
+and he had but two and he had taught him the ready way to his house,
+therefore he might come himself if he would. "Where did you leave the
+trevet?" said the woman. "At Gotham bridge," said he. So she immediately
+ran and fetched the trevet herself, otherwise she must have lost it on
+account of her husband's want of wit.
+
+
+    TALE VI.
+
+
+A certain smith of Gotham had a large wasp's nest in the straw at the
+end of the forge, and there coming one of his neighbours to have his
+horse shod, and the wasps being exceeding busy the man was stung by one
+of them. The man, being grievously affronted, said, "Are you worthy to
+keep a forge or not, to have men stung with these wasps?" "O neighbour,"
+said the smith, "be content, and I will put them from their nest
+presently." Immediately he took a coulter and heated it red hot, and
+thrust it into the straw at the end of his forge, and set it on fire and
+burnt it up. Then, said the smith, "I told thee I'd fire them out of
+their nest."
+
+
+    TALE VII.
+
+On Good Friday the men of Gotham consulted together what to do with
+their white herrings, sprats, and salt fish, and agreed that all such
+fish should be cast into a pond or pool in the midst of the town, that
+the number of them might increase the next year. Therefore everyone that
+had any fish left did cast them immediately into the pond. "Then," said
+one, "I have gotten left so many red herrings." "Well," said another,
+"and I have left so many whitings." Another cried out, "I have as yet
+gotten so many sprats left." "And," said the last, "I have gotten so
+many salt fishes, let them go together in the great pond, without any
+distinction, and we may be sure to fare like lords the next year." At
+the beginning of the next Lent, they immediately went about drawing the
+pond, imagining they should have the fish, but were much surprised to
+find nothing but a great eel. "Ah!" said they, "a mischief on this eel,
+for he hath eaten up our fish." "What must we do with him?" said one.
+"Chop him in pieces," said another. "Nay, not so," said another; "but
+let us drown him." "Be it accordingly so," replied they all. So they
+went immediately to another pond and cast the eel into the water. "Lay
+there," said these wise men, "and shift for thyself, since you may not
+expect help from us." So they left the eel to be drowned.
+
+
+    TALE VIII.
+
+On a time the men of Gotham had forgotten to pay their rents to their
+landlord; so one said to the other, "To-morrow must be pay-day, by whom
+can we send our money?" So one said, "I have this day taken a hare and
+she may carry it, for she is very quick-footed." "Be it so," replied the
+rest; "she shall have a letter and a purse to put our money in, and we
+can direct her the way." When the letter was written and the money put
+into a purse, they tied them about the hare's neck, saying, "You must
+first go to Loughborough and then to Leicester, and at Newark is our
+landlord; then commend us to him and there is his due." The hare, as
+soon as she got out of their hands, ran quite a contrary way. Some said,
+"Thou must first go to Loughborough." Others said, "Let the hare alone,
+for she can tell a nearer way than the best of us, let her go."
+
+
+    TALE IX.
+
+A man of Gotham, that went mowing in the meadow, found a large
+grasshopper. He instantly threw down his scythe and ran home to his
+neighbour and said that the devil was at work in the field, and was
+hopping among the grass. Then was every man ready with their clubs,
+staves, halberts, and other weapons to kill the grasshopper. When they
+came to the place where the grasshopper was, said one to the other, "Let
+every man cross himself from the devil, for we will not meddle with
+him." So they returned again and said, "We are blest this day that we
+went no farther." "O, ye cowards!" said he that left the scythe in the
+meadow, "help me to fetch my scythe." "No," answered they, "it is good
+to sleep in a whole skin. It is much better for thee to lose thy scythe
+than to mar us all."
+
+
+    TALE X.
+
+On a certain time there were twelve men of Gotham that went to fish;
+some waded in the water and some stood on dry land. In going home, one
+said to the other, "We have ventured wonderfully in wading, I pray God
+that none of us did come from home to be drowned." "Nay, marry," said
+one to the other, "let us see that, for there did twelve of us come
+out." Then they told themselves and every one told eleven. Said the one
+to the other, "There is one of us drowned." Then they went back to the
+brook where they'd been fishing, and sought up and down for him that was
+drowned, making a great lamentation. A courtier coming by asked what it
+was they sought for and why they were sorrowful. "Oh," said they, "this
+day we went to fish in the brook; twelve of us came out together and one
+is drowned." The courtier said, "Tell how many there be of you." One of
+them told eleven, but he did not tell himself. "Well," said the
+courtier, "what will you give me and I will find the twelfth man?" "All
+the money we have got," said they. "Give me the money," said he. He
+began with the first and gave him a stroke over the shoulders with his
+whip, that made him groan, saying, "Here is one," and so he served them
+all, and they groaned at the matter. When he came to the last, he paid
+him well, saying, "Here is the twelfth man." "God's blessings on thee,"
+said they, "for finding our brother."
+
+
+    TALE XI.
+
+A man of Gotham, riding along the highway, saw a cheese, so drew his
+sword and pricked it with the point in order to pick it up. Another man
+who came by alighted, picked it up and rode away with it. The man of
+Gotham rides to Nottingham to buy a long sword to pick up the cheese,
+and returning to the place where it did lie, he pulled out his sword,
+pricked the ground and said, "If I had had but this sword I should have
+had the cheese myself, but now another has come before me and got it."
+
+
+    TALE XII.
+
+A man in Gotham that did not love his wife, and she having fair hair he
+said divers times he would cut it off, but durst not do it when she was
+awake, so he resolved to do it when she was asleep; therefore, one night
+he took a pair of shears and put them under his pillow, which his wife
+perceiving, said to her maid, "Go to bed to my husband to-night, for he
+intends to cut off my hair; let him cut off thy hair and I will give
+thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst see." The maid did so and
+feigned herself asleep, which the man perceiving, cut off her hair,
+wrapped it about the shears, and laying them under the pillow, fell
+asleep. The maid arose and the wife took the hair and shears and went to
+the hall and burnt the hair. The man had a fine horse that he loved, and
+the good wife went into the stable, cut off the hair of the horse's
+tail, wrapped the shears up in it and laid them under the pillow again.
+Her husband, seeing her combing her head in the morning, marvelled
+thereat. The girl, seeing her master in a deep study, said, "What ails
+the horse in the stable, he has lost his tail?" The man ran into the
+stable and found the horse's tail was cut off; then going to the bed, he
+found the shears wrapped up in his horse's tail. He then went to his
+wife, saying, "I crave thy mercy, for I intended to cut off thy hair,
+but I have cut off my own horse's tail." "Yea," said she, "self do self
+have." Many men think to do a bad turn, but it turneth oftimes to
+themselves.
+
+
+    TALE XIII.
+
+A man of Gotham laid his wife a wager that she could not make him a
+cuckold. "No," said she, "but I can." "Do not spare me," said he, "but
+do what you can." On a time she had hid all the spigots and faucets, and
+going into the buttery, set a barrel of broach, and cried to her spouse,
+"Pray, bring me a spigot and faucet or else the ale will all run out."
+He sought up and down but could not find one. "Come here then," said
+she, "and put thy finger in the tap-hole." Then she called a tailor with
+whom she made a bargain. Soon after she came to her husband and brought
+a spigot and a faucet, saying, "Pull thy finger out of the tap-hole,
+good cuckold. Beshrew your heart for your trouble," said she, "make no
+such bargain with me again."
+
+
+    TALE XIV.
+
+A man of Gotham took a young buzzard and invited four or five
+gentlemen's servants to the eating of it; but the wife killed an old
+goose, and she and two of her gossips ate up the buzzard, and the old
+goose was laid to the fire for the gentlemen's servants. So when they
+came the goose was set before them. "What is this?" said one of them.
+The goodman said, "A curious buzzard." "A buzzard! why it is an old
+goose, and thou art an knave to mock us," and so departed in great
+anger. The fellow was sorry that he had affronted them, and took a bag
+and put the buzzard's feathers in it; but his wife desired him, before
+he went, to fetch a block of wood, and in the interim she pulled out the
+buzzard's feathers and put in the goose's. The man, taking the bag, went
+to the gentlemen's servants and said, "Pray, be not angry with me, you
+shall see I had a buzzard, for here be the feathers." Then, he opened
+the bag and took out the goose's feathers; upon which one of them took a
+cudgel and gave him a dozen of stripes, saying, "Why, you knave, could
+you not be content to mock us at home, but you are come here to mock us
+also."
+
+
+    TALE XV.
+
+A man's wife of Gotham was brought to bed of a male child, and the
+father invited the gossips who were children of eight or ten years of
+age. The eldest child's name was Gilbert, the second's name was
+Humphrey, and the godmother was called Christabel. Their relations
+admonished them divers times, that they must all say after the parson.
+And when they were come to the church, the priest said, "Be you all
+agreed of the name?" "Gilbert, Humphrey, and Christabel," said the same.
+The priest then said, "Wherefore came you hither?" They immediately said
+the same. The priest being amazed could not tell what to say, but
+whistled and said, "Whey," and so did they. The priest being angry,
+said, "Go home, you fools, go home." Then Gilbert, Humphrey, and
+Christabel did the same. The priest then provided godfathers and
+godmothers himself.
+
+
+    TALE XVI.
+
+A young man of Gotham went a wooing a fair maid: his mother warned him
+beforehand, saying, "Whenever you look at her, cast a sheep's eye at
+her, and say, 'How dost thou, my sweet pigmy?'" The fellow went to a
+butcher and bought seven or eight sheep eyes. And when this lusty wooer
+was at dinner, he would look upon the fair wench and cast in her face a
+sheep's eye, saying, "How dost thou do, my sweet pigmy?" "How do I do,"
+said the wench; "swine's face, what do you mean by casting a sheep's eye
+at me?" "O! sweet pigmy, have at thee with another." "I defy thee,
+swine's face," said the wench. "What my sweet old pigmy, be content, for
+if you live to next year you will be a foul sow." "Walk, knave, walk,"
+said she, "for if you live till next year you will be a fool."
+
+
+    TALE XVII.
+
+There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and when the day of
+marriage was come they went to the church. The priest said, "Do you say
+after me." The man said "Do you say after me." The priest said, "Say not
+after me such like, but say what I shall tell you; thou dost play the
+fool to mock the holy scriptures concerning matrimony." The fellow said,
+"Thou dost play the fool to mock the holy scriptures concerning
+matrimony." The priest wist not what to say, but answered, "What shall I
+do with this fool?" and the man said, "What shall I do with this fool?"
+So the priest took his leave and would not marry them. The man was
+instructed by others how to do, and was afterwards married. And thus the
+breed of the Gothamites has been perpetuated even unto this day.
+
+
+    TALE XVIII.
+
+There was a Scotsman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took a house a little
+distance from London and turned it into an inn, and for his sign he
+would have a boar's head. Accordingly he went to a carver and said, "Can
+you make me a bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "Then," said he, "make
+me a bare head, and thou'se hae twenty shillings for thy hire." "I will
+do it," said the carver. On St. Andrew's day before Christmas (called
+Yule in Scotland) the Scot came to London for his boar's head. "I say,
+speak," said the Scotsman, "hast thou made me a bare head?" "Yes," said
+the carver. He went and brought a man's head of wood that was bare, and
+said, "Sir, there is your bare head." "Ay," said the Scot, "the meikle
+de'il! is this a bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "I say," said the
+Scotsman, "I will have a bare head like the head that follows a sow with
+gryces. What, fool, know you not a sow that will greet and groan and cry
+a-week, a-week." "What," said the carver, "do you mean a pig?" "Yes,"
+said the Scotsman, "let me have her head made of timber, and set on her
+a scalp and let her sing, 'Whip whire.'" The carver said he could not.
+"You fool," said he, "gar her as she'd sing whip whire."
+
+
+    TALE XIX.
+
+In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham were got into an
+ale-house, and said they were all profitable to their husbands. "Which
+way, good gossips?" said the ale-wife. The first said, "I will tell you
+all, good gossips, I cannot brew nor bake, therefore I am every day
+alike, and go to the ale-house because I cannot go to church; and in the
+ale-house I pray to God to speed my husband, and I am sure my prayers
+will do him more good than my labour." Then said the second, "I am
+profitable to my husband in saving of candle in winter, for I cause my
+husband and all my people to go to bed by daylight and rise by
+daylight." The third said, "I am profitable in sparing bread, for I
+drink a gallon of ale, and I care not much for meat." The fourth said,
+"I am loath to spend meat and drink at home, so I go to the tavern at
+Nottingham and drink wine and such other things as God sends me there."
+The fifth said, "A man will ever have more company in another's house
+than his own, and most commonly in the ale-house." The sixth said, "My
+husband has flax and wool to spare if I go to other folk's houses to do
+their work." The seventh said, "I spare my husband's wood and clothes,
+and sit all day talking at other folks' fires." The eighth said, "Beef,
+mutton, and pork are dear, I therefore take pigs, chickens, conies, and
+capons, being of a lesser price." The ninth said, "I spare my husband's
+soap, for instead of washing once a week, I wash but once a quarter."
+Then said the ale-wife, "I keep all my husband's ale from souring; for
+as I was wont to drink it almost up, now I never leave a drop."
+
+
+    TALE XX.
+
+On Ash Wednesday, the minister of Gotham would have a collection from
+his parishioners, and said unto them. "My friends, the time is come that
+you must use prayer, fasting, and alms, but come ye to shrift, I will
+tell you more of my mind, but as for prayer I don't think that two men
+in the parish can say their paternoster. As for fasting, ye fast still,
+for ye have not a good meal's meat in the year. As for alm-deeds, what
+should they give that have nothing? In Lent you must refrain from
+drunkenness and abstain from drink." "No, not so," said one fellow, "for
+it is an old proverb, 'That fish should swim.'" "Yes," said the priest,
+"they must swim in the water." "I crave thy mercy," quoth the fellow, "I
+thought it should have swam in fine ale, for I have been told so." Soon
+after the men of Gotham came to shrift, and being seven the priest knew
+not what penance to give. He said, "If I enjoin you to pray, you cannot
+say your paternoster. And it is but folly to make you fast, because you
+never eat a meal's meat. Labour hard and get a dinner on Sunday, and I
+will partake of it." Another man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and
+another on Tuesday, and another on Wednesday, and so on one after
+another, that one or other should fare well once in the week, that he
+might have part of their meat, on every day during the week. "And as for
+your alm-deeds," the priest said, "ye be but beggars all, except one or
+two, therefore bestow your alms on yourselves."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                 THOMAS HICKATHRIFT
+
+
+                   PART THE FIRST.
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Tom's Birth and Parentage._
+
+
+In the reign of William the Conqueror, having read in ancient records,
+there lived in the Isle of Ely, in Cambridgeshire, a man named Thomas
+Hickathrift, a poor labourer, yet he was an honest, stout man, and able
+to do as much work in a day as two ordinary men. Having only one son, he
+called him after his own name, Thomas. The old man put his son to
+school, but he would not learn anything.
+
+It pleased God to call the old man aside, and his mother being tender of
+her son, she maintained him by her own labour as well as she could; but
+all his delight was in the corner; and he ate as much at once as would
+serve five ordinary men.
+
+At ten years old he was near six feet high, and three in thickness; his
+hand was much like to a shoulder of mutton, and every other part
+proportionable; but his great strength was yet unknown.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Thomas Hickathrift's Great Strength Came to be Known._
+
+
+Tom's mother, being a poor widow, went to a rich farmer's house to beg a
+bundle of straw to shift herself and her son Thomas. The farmer, being
+an honest charitable man, bid her take what she wanted. She going home
+to her son Thomas, said, "Pray go to such a place, and fetch me a bundle
+of straw; I have asked leave." He swore he would not go. "Nay, prithee
+go," said the good old mother. He again swore he would not go, unless
+she would borrow him a cart rope. She being willing to please him, went
+and borrowed one.
+
+Then taking up the cart rope, away he went, and coming to the farmer's
+house, the master was in the barn, and two other men threshing.
+
+Said Tom, "I am come for a bundle of straw." "Tom," said the farmer,
+"take as much as thou can'st carry." So he laid down his cart rope, and
+began to make up his bundle.
+
+"Your rope, Tom," said they, "is too short," and jeered him. But he
+fitted the farmer well for his joke; for when he had made up his burden,
+it was supposed to be near a thousand weight. "But," said they, "what a
+fool thou art; for thou can'st not carry the tithe of it." But, however,
+he took up his burden, and made no more of it than we do of an hundred
+pounds weight, to the great astonishment of both master and men.
+
+Now Tom's strength beginning to be known in the town, they would not let
+him lie basking in the chimney corner, every one hiring him to work,
+seeing he had so much strength, all telling him it was a shame for him
+to lie idle as he did from day to day; so that Tom finding them bait at
+him as they did, went first to one to work and then to another.
+
+One day a man came to him, desiring him to bring a tree home. So Tom
+went with him and four other men.
+
+Now when they came to the wood they set the cart by the tree, and began
+to draw it by pulleys; but Tom seeing them not able to stir it, said,
+"Stand aside, fools," and so set on the one end, and then put it into
+the cart. "There," said he, "see what a man can do!" "Marry," said they,
+"that is true indeed."
+
+Having done, and coming through the wood, they met the woodman; and Tom
+asked him for a stick to make his mother a fire with.
+
+"Aye," says the woodman, "take one."
+
+So Tom took up a bigger than that on the cart, and putting it on his
+shoulder, walked home with it faster than the six horses in the cart
+drew the other.
+
+Now this was the second instance of Tom showing his strength; by which
+time he began to think that he had more natural strength than twenty
+common men, and from that time Tom began to grow very tractable; he
+would jump, run, and take delight in young company, and would ride to
+fairs and meetings, to see sports and diversions.
+
+One day going to a wake where the young men were met, some went to
+wrestling, and some to cudgels, some to throwing the hammer, and the
+like.
+
+Tom stood awhile to see the sport, and at last he joined the company in
+throwing the hammer: at length he took the hammer in his hand, and felt
+the weight of it, bidding them stand out of the way, for he would try
+how far he could throw it.
+
+"Ay," says the old smith, "you will throw it a great way, I warrant
+you."
+
+Tom took the hammer, and giving it a swing, threw it into a river four
+or five furlongs distant, and bid them go and fetch it out.
+
+After this Tom joined the wrestlers, and though he had no more skill
+than an ass, yet by main strength he flung all he grasped with; if once
+he but laid hold they were gone; some he threw over his head, and others
+he laid gently down.
+
+He did not attempt to look or strike at their heels, but threw them two
+or three yards from him, and sometimes on their heads, ready to break
+their necks. So that at last none durst enter the ring to wrestle with
+him, for they took him to be some devil among them.
+
+Thus was the fame of Tom's great strength spread more and more about the
+country.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Tom became a Brewer's Servant; how he killed a
+         Giant, and came to be called Mr. Hickathrift._
+
+
+Tom's fame being spread, no one durst give him an angry word; for being
+foolhardy, he cared not what he did, so that those who knew him would
+not displease him. At last a brewer of Lynn, who wanted a lusty man to
+carry beer to the Marsh and to Wisbeach, hearing of Tom, came to hire
+him; but Tom would not hire himself till his friends persuaded him, and
+his master promised him a new suit of clothes from top to toe, and also
+that he should be his man; and the master showed him where he should go,
+for there was a monstrous giant who kept part of the Marsh, and none
+dared to go that way; for if the giant found them he would either kill
+them or make them his servants.
+
+But to come to Tom and his master, Tom did more in one day than all the
+rest of his men did in three: so that his master seeing him so tractable
+and careful in his business, made him his head man, and trusted him to
+carry beer by himself, for he needed none to help him. Thus Tom went
+each day to Wisbeach, a journey of near twenty miles.
+
+Tom going this journey so often, and finding the other road the giant
+kept nearer by the half, and Tom having increased his strength by being
+so well kept, and improving his courage by drinking so much strong ale;
+one day as he was going to Wisbeach, without saying anything to his
+master or any of his fellow servants, he resolved to make the nearest
+road or lose his life; to win the horse or lose the saddle; to kill or
+be killed, if he met with this giant.
+
+Thus resolved, he goes the nearest way with his cart, flinging open the
+gates in order to go through; but the giant soon spied him, and seeing
+him a daring fellow, vowed to stop his journey and make a prize of his
+beer; but Tom cared not a groat for him, and the giant met him like a
+roaring lion, as though he would have swallowed him up.
+
+"Sirrah," said he, "who gave you authority to come this way? Do you not
+know that I make all stand in fear of my sight? and you, like an
+impudent rogue, must come and fling open my gates at pleasure. Are you
+so careless of your life that you do not care what you do? I will make
+you an example to all rogues under the sun. Dost thou not see how many
+heads hang upon yonder tree that have offended my laws? Thine shall hang
+higher than any of them all."
+
+"A tod in your teeth," said Tom, "you shall not find me like them."
+
+"No," said the giant; "why, you are but a fool if you come to fight me,
+and bring no weapon to defend thyself."
+
+Cries Tom, "I have got a weapon here that shall make you know I am your
+master."
+
+"Aye, say you so, sirrah," said the giant, and then ran to his cave to
+fetch his club, intending to dash his brains out at a blow.
+
+While the giant was gone for his club, Tom turned his cart upside down,
+taking the axle tree and wheel for his sword and buckler; and excellent
+weapons they were on such an emergency.
+
+The giant coming out again began to stare at Tom, to see him take the
+wheel in one of his hands and the axle tree in the other.
+
+"Oh, oh!" said the giant, "you are like to do great things with those
+instruments; I have a twig here that will beat thee, thy axle tree, and
+wheel to the ground."
+
+Now that which the giant called a twig was as thick as a mill post; with
+this the giant made a blow at Tom with such force as made his wheel
+crack.
+
+Tom, not in the least daunted, gave him as brave a blow on the side of
+the head, which made him reel again.
+
+"What," said Tom, "have you got drunk with my small beer already?" The
+giant recovering, made many hard blows at Tom; but still as they came he
+kept them off with his wheel, so that he received but very little hurt.
+
+In the meantime Tom plied him so well with blows that sweat and blood
+ran together down the giant's face, who, being fat and foggy, was almost
+spent with fighting so long, so begged Tom to let him drink, and then he
+would fight him again.
+
+"No," said Tom, "my mother did not teach me such wit. Who is fool then?"
+Whereupon, finding the giant grew weak, Tom redoubled his blows till he
+brought him to the ground.
+
+The giant, finding himself overcome, roared hideously, and begged Tom to
+spare his life and he would perform anything he should desire, even
+yield himself unto him and be his servant.
+
+But Tom, having no more mercy on him than a dog upon a bear, laid on him
+till he found him breathless, and then cut off his head, after which he
+went into his cave, and there found great store of gold and silver,
+which made his heart leap for joy.
+
+When he had rummaged the cave, and refreshed himself a little, he
+restored the wheel and axle tree to their places, and loaded his beer on
+his cart, and went to Wisbeach, where he delivered his beer, and
+returned home the same night as usual.
+
+Upon his return to his master, he told him what he had done, which,
+though he was rejoiced to hear, he could not altogether believe, till he
+had seen if it were true.
+
+Next morning Tom's master went with him to the place, to be convinced of
+the truth, as did most of the inhabitants of Lynn.
+
+When they came to the place they were rejoiced to find the giant quite
+dead; and when Tom showed them the head and what gold and silver there
+was in the cave, all of them leaped for joy; for the giant had been a
+great enemy to that part of the country.
+
+News was soon spread that Tom Hickathrift had killed the giant, and
+happy was he that could come to see the giant's cave; and bonfires were
+made all round the country for Tom's success.
+
+Tom, by the general consent of the country, took possession of the
+giant's cave and riches. He pulled down the cave, and built himself a
+handsome house on the spot. He gave part of the giant's lands to the
+poor for their common, and the rest he divided and enclosed for an
+estate to maintain him and his mother.
+
+Now Tom's fame was spread more and more through the country, and he was
+no longer called plain Tom, but Mr. Hickathrift, and they feared his
+anger now almost as much as they did that of the giant before.
+
+Tom now finding himself very rich, resolved his neighbours should be the
+better for it. He enclosed himself a park and kept deer; and just by his
+house he built a church, which he dedicated to St. James, because on
+that saint's day he killed the giant.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Tom kept a pack of Hounds, and of his being attacked
+                     by some Highwaymen._
+
+
+Tom not being used to such a stock of riches, could hardly tell how to
+dispose of it; but he used means to do it, for he kept a pack of hounds
+and men to hunt them; and who but Tom; he took much delight in sports
+and exercises, and he would go far and near to a merry making.
+
+One day as Tom was riding he saw a company at football, and dismounted
+to see them play for a wager; but he spoiled all their sport, for
+meeting the football, he gave it such a kick that they never found it
+more; whereupon they began to quarrel with Tom, but some of them got
+little good by it; for he got a spar, which belonged to an old house
+that had been blown down, with which he drove all opposition before
+him, and made a way wherever he came.
+
+After this, going home late in the evening, he was met by four
+highwaymen, well mounted, who had robbed all the passengers that
+travelled on that road.
+
+When they saw Tom, and found that he was alone, they were cock sure of
+his money, and bid him stand and deliver.
+
+"What must I deliver?" cries Tom. "Your money, sirrah," said they.
+"Aye," said Tom, "but you shall give me better words for it first, and
+be better armed too."
+
+"Come, come," said they, "we came not here to prate, but for your money,
+and money we must have before we go." "Is it so?" said Tom; "then get it
+and take it."
+
+Whereupon one of them made at him with a rusty sword, which Tom
+immediately wrenched out of his hand, and attacked the whole four with
+it, and made them set spurs to their horses; but seeing one had a
+portmanteau behind him, and supposing it contained money, he more
+closely pursued them, and soon overtook them and cut their journey
+short, killing two of them and sadly wounding the other two, who,
+begging hard for their lives, he let them go, but took away all their
+money, which was about two hundred pounds, to bear his expenses home.
+
+When Tom came home he told them how he had served the poor football
+players and the four thieves, which produced much mirth and laughter
+amongst all the company.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Tom, meets with a Tinker and of the Battle they Fought._
+
+
+Some time afterwards, as Tom was walking about his estate to see how his
+workmen went on, he met upon the skirts of the forest a very sturdy
+tinker, having a good staff on his shoulder and a great dog to carry his
+budget of tools. So Tom asked the tinker from whence he came and
+whither he was going, as that was no highway? Now the tinker being a
+very sturdy fellow, bid him go look, what was that to him? But fools
+must always be meddling.
+
+"Hold," said Tom, "before you and I part I will make you know who I am."
+
+"Aye," says the tinker, "it is three years since I had a combat with any
+man; I have challenged many a one, but none dare face me, so I think
+they are all cowards in this part of the country; but I hear there is a
+man lives hereabouts named Thomas Hickathrift, who has killed a giant,
+him I'd willingly see to have a bout with him."
+
+"Aye," said Tom, "I am the man. What have you to say to me?"
+
+"Truly," said the tinker, "I am very glad we are so happily met, that we
+may have one touch."
+
+"Surely," said Tom, "you are but in jest."
+
+"Marry," said the tinker, "but I am in earnest."
+
+"A match," said Tom.
+
+"It is done," said the tinker.
+
+"But," said Tom, "will you give me leave to get me a twig?"
+
+"Aye," said the tinker, "I hate him that fights with a man unarmed."
+
+So Tom stepped to a gate and took a rail for a staff. So to it they
+fell. The tinker at Tom, and Tom at the tinker, like two giants. The
+tinker had a leather coat on, so that every blow Tom gave him made it
+roar again, yet the tinker did not give way an inch till Tom gave him
+such a bang on the side of the head that felled him to the ground.
+
+"Now, tinker, where art thou?" said Tom. But the tinker being a nimble
+fellow, leaped up again, and gave Tom a bang, the which made him reel,
+and following his blows, took Tom on the other side, which made him
+throw down his weapon and yield the mastery to the brave tinker.
+
+After this Tom took the tinker home to his house, where we shall leave
+them to improve their acquaintance, and get themselves cured of the
+bruises they gave each other. And for a further account of the merry
+pranks of Tom and the tinker, the reader is referred to the Second Part,
+which is far more entertaining than this.
+
+
+
+
+                  PART THE SECOND.
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+
+    _Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker conquer Ten Thousand Rebels._
+
+
+In and about the Isle of Ely, many disaffected persons, to the number of
+ten thousand or upwards, drew themselves together in a body, pretending
+to contend for their rights and privileges, which they said had been
+greatly infringed; insomuch that the civil magistrates of the country
+thought themselves in great danger of their lives.
+
+Whereupon the sheriff by night came to the house of Mr. Thomas
+Hickathrift, as a secure place of refuge in so eminent a time of danger,
+where he laid open to Mr. Hickathrift the unreasonableness of the
+complaint of these rebels, and begged his protection and assistance.
+
+"Sheriff," said Tom, "what service my brother," meaning the tinker, "and
+I can perform shall not be wanting."
+
+This said, in the morning, by break of day, with trusty clubs, they both
+went out, desiring the sheriff to be their guide in conducting them to
+the place where the rebels were.
+
+When they came there, Tom and the tinker marched boldly up to the head
+of them, and demanded the reason why they disturbed the government? To
+which they replied, "That their will was their law, and by that only we
+will be governed."
+
+"Nay," said Tom, "if it be so, these are our weapons, and by them ye
+shall be chastised." These words were no sooner out of his mouth, but
+the tinker and he threw themselves both together into the crowd, where
+with their clubs they beat down all before them. Nay, remarkable it was,
+the tinker struck a tall man upon the neck with such force that his head
+flew off and was carried ten yards from him, and struck the chief leader
+with such violence as levelled him to the ground.
+
+Tom, on the other hand, pressing forward, beat down all before him,
+making great havoc, till by an unfortunate blow he broke his club; yet
+he was not in the least dismayed, for he presently seized a lusty,
+stout, raw-boned miller, and so made use of him for a weapon, till at
+last they cleared the field, that not one of them durst lift up their
+hand against them.
+
+Shortly after Tom took some of them and exposed them to public justice;
+the rest being pardoned at the request of Tom and the tinker.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker are sent for up to Court;
+                 and of their kind Entertainment._
+
+
+The king being truly informed of the faithful services performed by
+these his loving subjects, Tom Hickathrift and the tinker, he was
+pleased to send for them and the nobility.
+
+Now after the banquet the king said, "These are my trusty and
+well-beloved subjects, men of known courage and valour, who conquered
+ten thousand persons who were met together to disturb the peace of my
+realm.
+
+"According to the characters given of Thomas Hickathrift and Henry
+Nonsuch, persons here present, which cannot be matched in the world; all
+were it possible to have an army of 20,000 such, I durst immediately
+venture to act the part of great Alexander.
+
+"As a proof of my favour, kneel down and receive the order of
+knighthood, Mr. Hickathrift; and as for Henry Nonsuch I will settle upon
+him a reward of forty pounds a year during life."
+
+So said, the king withdrew, and Sir Thomas Hickathrift and Henry
+Nonsuch, the tinker, returned to their home. But, to the great grief of
+Sir Thomas Hickathrift, he found his mother dead and buried.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _Tom, after the Death of his Mother, goes a-wooing; and of
+        a Trick he served a Gallant, who had offended him._
+
+
+Tom's mother being dead, and he left alone in a spacious house, he found
+himself strange; therefore began to consider with himself that it would
+not be amiss to seek a wife; so, hearing of a rich and young widow in
+Cambridge, he goes to her and makes his addresses, and at the first
+coming she seemed to show him much favour; but between that and his
+coming again she gave entertainment to an airy, brisk, and young spark
+that happened to come in while Tom was there a second time.
+
+He looked very wistfully at Tom, and Tom stared as fiercely at him
+again; so at last the young spark began to abuse Tom with very
+affronting language, saying he was a lubberly welp and a scoundrel.
+
+"A scoundrel!" said Tom. "Better sayings would become you; and if you do
+not instantly mend your manners, you will meet with correction."
+
+At which the young man challenged him; so to the yard they went--the
+young man with his sword, and Tom with neither stick nor staff.
+
+Said the spark, "Have you nothing to defend yourself? Then I shall the
+sooner despatch you."
+
+So he made a pass at Tom, but that he butt by; and then, wheeling round
+unto his back, Tom gave him such a nice kick in the breech as sent the
+spark like a crow up in the air, whence he fell upon the ridge of a
+thatched house, and came down into a fish-pond, where he had certainly
+been drowned if it had not been for a poor shepherd, who was walking by
+that road, and, seeing him floating on the water, dragged him out with
+his hook, and home he returned like a drowned rat; whilst Tom enjoyed
+the kind embraces of his lady.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Tom served Two Troopers, whom the Spark had
+                    hired to beset him._
+
+
+Now the young gallant vexed himself to think how Tom had conquered him
+before his new mistress, so was resolved on speedy revenge, and, knowing
+he was not able to cope with Tom, he hired two lusty troopers, well
+mounted, to lie in ambush under a thicket, which Tom was to pass on his
+way home, and so accordingly they both attempted to set upon him.
+
+"How now, rascals!" said Tom; "what would you be at? Are you indeed so
+weary of your lives that you so unadvisedly set upon one who is able to
+crush you like a cucumber?" The two troopers, laughing at him, said they
+were not to be daunted at his high words. "High words!" said Tom; "nay,
+now I will come to action," and so ran between them, catching them in
+his arms, horses and men, as easy as if they had been but two baker's
+bavins.
+
+In this manner he steered homewards, but, as he passed through a company
+of haymakers, the troopers cried, "Stop him! stop him! He runs away with
+two of the king's troopers." But they laughed to see Tom hugging them,
+frequently upbraiding them for their baseness, saying he'd make mince
+meat of them for crows and jackdaws.
+
+This was a dreadful lecture to them, and the poor rogues begged he would
+be merciful to them, and they would discover the whole plot, and who was
+the person that employed them, which they accordingly did, and gained
+favour in the sight of Tom, who pardoned them on promise that they would
+never be concerned in so villainous an action as that was for the
+future.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Tom, going to be Married, is set upon by Twenty-one
+            Ruffians; and of the Havock he made._
+
+
+In regard Tom had been hindered hitherto by the troopers, he delayed his
+visit to his lady and love till the next day, and, coming to her, he
+gave her a full account of what had happened.
+
+She was much pleased at this relation, and received him with joy and
+satisfaction, knowing it was safe for a woman to marry with a man who
+was able to defend her against any assault whatever; and so brave a man
+as Tom was found to be.
+
+The day of marriage being appointed, and friends and relations invited,
+yet secret malice, which is never satisfied but with revenge, had like
+to have prevented it; for, having near three miles to go to church, the
+aforementioned gentleman had provided one-and-twenty ruffians to destroy
+Tom, for to put them to consternation.
+
+Howbeit, it so happened in a private place, all bolted out upon Tom, and
+with a spear gave him a slight wound, which made his sweetheart shriek
+out lamentably. Tom endeavoured to pacify her, saying, "Stand you still,
+and I will soon show you some pleasant sport."
+
+Here he catched hold of a broad-sword from the side of one of the
+company, and behaved so gallantly with it that at every stroke he took
+off a joint. He spared their lives, but lopped off their legs and arms,
+that in less than a quarter of an hour there was not one in the company
+but had lost a limb. The grass was all stained with a purple gore, and
+the ground was covered with legs and arms.
+
+His lover and the rest of the company were all this while standing by
+and admiring his valour, crying out, "O, what a sight of cripples has he
+made in a short time!"
+
+"Yes," said Tom, "I verily believe that for every drop of blood I have
+lost I have made the rascals pay me a limb, as a just tribute."
+
+This said, he steps to a farmer's house, and hired a servant, by giving
+him twenty shillings to carry the several cripples home to their
+respective habitations in his cart, and then posted to church with his
+love, when they were heartily merry with their friends after this
+encounter.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Tom provides a Feast for all the poor Widows in the
+         adjacent Towns; and how he served an Old
+              Woman who Stole a Silver Cup._
+
+
+Now Tom, being married, made a plentiful feast, to which he invited all
+the poor widows in the parish, for the sake of his mother, who had been
+lately buried.
+
+This feast was carried on with the greatest solemnity, and, being ended,
+a silver cup was missing, and being asked about it they all denied it.
+
+At last, all being searched, the cup was found on an old woman named
+Strumbelow. Then all the rest were in a rage; some were for hanging her,
+others for chopping the old woman in pieces for ingratitude to such a
+generous benefactor.
+
+But he entreated them all to be quiet, saying they should not murder a
+poor old woman, for he would appoint a punishment for her, which was
+this:--He bored a hole through her nose, and put a string in it, and
+then ordered her to be stripped; so commanding the rest of the old women
+to lead her through all the streets and lanes in Cambridge, which
+comical sight caused a general laughter.
+
+This being done, she had her clothes again, and so was acquitted.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Sir Thomas and his Lady are sent for up to Court;
+           and of what happened at that Time._
+
+
+Now, tidings of Tom's wedding was soon raised at court, insomuch that
+they had a royal invitation there, in order that the king might have a
+sight of his newly-married lady. Accordingly, they came, and were
+received with much joy and triumph.
+
+Whilst they were in the midst of their mirth news was brought the king
+by the Commons of Kent that a very dreadful giant was landed in one of
+the islands, and had brought with him a great number of bears, and also
+young lions, with a dreadful dragon, upon which he always rode, which
+said monster and ravenous beasts had much frighted all the inhabitants
+of the said island. And, moreover, they said, if speedy course was not
+taken to suppress them in due time, they would destroy the country.
+
+The king, hearing of this relation, was a little startled; yet he
+persuaded them to return home, and make the best defence they could for
+the present, assuring them that he would not forget them, and so they
+departed.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _Tom is made Governor of East Angles, now called the Isle
+          of Thanet; and of the wonderful Achievements
+                       he there performed._
+
+
+The king, hearing these dreadful tidings, immediately sat in council to
+consider what was best to be done for the conquering this giant and wild
+beasts.
+
+At length Tom Hickathrift was pitched upon as being a stout and bold
+subject, for which reason it was judged necessary to make him Governor
+of that island, which place of trust he readily accepted; and
+accordingly he went down with his wife and family to take possession of
+the same, attended by a hundred and odd knights and gentlemen at least;
+they taking leave of him, and wishing him all health and prosperity.
+
+Many days he had not been there before it was his fortune to meet this
+monstrous giant, for thus it was:--Sir Thomas, looking out at his own
+window, espied this giant mounted on a dreadful dragon, and on his
+shoulder he bore a club of iron. He had but one eye, which was in the
+middle of his forehead, and was as large as a barber's basin, and seemed
+like flaming fire, the hair of his head hanging down like snakes, and
+his beard like rusty wire.
+
+Lifting up his eye, he saw Sir Thomas, who was viewing him from one of
+the windows of the castle. The giant then began to knit his brows, and
+to breathe forth some threatening words to the Governor, who, indeed,
+was a little surprised at the approach of such a monstrous and
+ill-favoured brute.
+
+The monstrous giant, finding that Tom did not make much haste to get
+down to him, alighted from his dragon, and chained him to an oak tree,
+then marched to the castle, setting his broad shoulders against the
+corner of the wall as if he intended to overthrow the whole bulk of the
+building at once. Tom, perceiving it, said, "Is this the game you would
+be at? Faith, I shall spoil your sport, for I have a tool to pick your
+teeth with."
+
+He then took the two-handed sword the king gave him, down he went, and,
+flinging open the gate, he there finds the giant, who, by an unfortunate
+slip in his thrusting, was fallen along, and there lay, not able to
+defend himself.
+
+"How now!" said Tom; "do you come here to take up your lodging? This is
+not at all to be suffered." And with that he ran his long broad sword
+between the giant's tawny buttocks, and made the brute give a groan
+almost as loud as thunder.
+
+Then Sir Thomas, pulling out his sword again, and at six or seven blows
+he severed his head, which, when cut off, seemed like the root of a
+great oak; then, turning to the dragon, which was all this time chained
+to a tree, without any more ado, at a few blows cut off that also.
+
+This adventure being over, he sent for a waggon and horses, and loaded
+them with the heads, and then summoned all the constables of the county
+for a safeguard, and sent them to the court, with a promise to his
+Majesty that in a short time he would clear the island of all the bears,
+lions, etc., etc.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _The Tinker, hearing of Tom's Fame, he goes to his Partner;
+          and of his being unfortunately slain by a Lion._
+
+
+Tom's victories rang so loud that they reached the ears of his old
+acquaintance the tinker, who, being desirous of honour, resolved to go
+down and visit him in his government; and coming there he was kindly
+entertained.
+
+After a few days' pleasure, Tom told him he must go in search of some
+bears and lions in the island.
+
+"Then," said the tinker, "I will go with you."
+
+"With all my heart," said Tom, "for I must own I shall be glad of your
+company." On this they went forward--Tom with his great sword and the
+tinker with his pike staff.
+
+After they had travelled four or five hours, it was their fortune to
+meet all the wild beasts together, being in number fourteen, six of
+which were bears, the other eight young lions. When these creatures had
+set their eyes on them they ran furiously, as if they would have
+devoured them at a mouthful, but Tom and the tinker stood side by side,
+with their backs against an oak, until the lions and bears came within
+their reach. Tom, with his sword, clave all their heads asunder, until
+they were all destroyed, except one young lion, who, seeing the rest of
+his fellow-creatures dead, he was making his escape; but the tinker,
+being too venturous, ran hastily after him, and gave the lion a blow.
+The beast turned upon him, and seized him with such violence by the
+throat as soon ended his life.
+
+Tom's joy was now mingled with sorrow, for, though he had cleared the
+island of those ravenous beasts, yet his grief was intolerable for the
+loss of his friend.
+
+Home he returned to his lady, where, in token of joy for the success
+he'd had in his dangerous enterprizes, he made a very noble and
+splendid feast, to which he invited all his friends and acquaintances,
+and then made the following promises:--
+
+    "My friends, while I have strength to stand,
+      Most manfully I will pursue
+    All dangers, till I clear the land
+      Of lions, bears, and tigers too."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                     THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                        JACK
+
+                         THE
+
+                     GIANT-KILLER
+
+                     CONTAINING
+
+               His Birth and Parentage
+    His Meeting with the King's Son; His Noble
+        Conquests over many Monstrous Giants
+    And his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he
+                afterwards married.
+
+
+In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's-End of England, in the
+county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy farmer, who had only one son,
+commonly known by the name of Jack. He was brisk, and of a lively, ready
+wit, so that whatever he could not perform by strength he completed by
+wit and policy. Never was any person heard of that could worst him; nay,
+the learned he baffled by his cunning and ready inventions.
+
+For instance, when he was no more than seven years of age, his father
+sent him into the field to look after his oxen. A country vicar, by
+chance one day coming across the field, called Jack, and asked him
+several questions; in particular, "How many commandments were there?"
+Jack told him there were nine. The parson replied, "There are ten."
+"Nay," quoth Jack, "master parson, you are out of that; it is true there
+were ten, but you have broken one of them." The parson replied, "Thou
+art an arch wag, Jack." "Well, master parson," quoth Jack, "you have
+asked me one question, and I have answered it; let me ask you another.
+Who made these oxen?" The parson replied, "God." "You are out again,"
+quoth Jack, "for God made them bulls, but my father and his man Hobson
+made oxen of them." The parson, finding himself fooled, trudged away,
+leaving Jack in a fit of laughter.
+
+In those days the mount of Cornwall was kept by a huge and monstrous
+giant of 27 feet high and of 3 yards in compass, of a grim countenance,
+to the terror of all the neighbouring towns. His habitation was a cave
+in the midst of the mount; neither would he suffer any living creature
+to inhabit near him. His feeding was upon other men's cattle; for
+whensoever he had occasion for food he would wade over to the main land,
+where he would furnish himself with whatever he could find; for the
+people at his approach would forsake their habitations; then he would
+take their cows and oxen, of which he would make nothing to carry over
+on his back half a dozen at a time; and as for sheep and hogs, he would
+tie them round his waist. This he had for many years practised in
+Cornwall.
+
+But one day Jack, coming to the Town Hall, when the Magistrates were
+sitting in consternation about the giant, he asked what reward they
+would give to any person that would destroy him. They answered, "He
+shall have all the giant's treasure in recompense." Quoth Jack, "Then I
+myself will undertake the work."
+
+Jack furnished himself with a horn, a shovel, and a pick-axe, and over
+to the mount he goes in the beginning of a dark winter evening, where he
+fell to work, and before morning had digged a pit 22 feet deep, and as
+broad, and covered the same over with long sticks and straw; then
+strewed a little mould upon it, so that it appeared like the plain
+ground.
+
+This done, Jack places himself on the contrary side of the pit just
+about the dawning of the day, when, putting his horn to his mouth, he
+then blew, "Tan twivie, tan twivie," which unexpected noise roused the
+giant, who came roaring towards Jack, crying out, "You incorrigible
+villain, are you come hither to break my rest? You shall dearly pay for
+it; satisfaction I will have, and it shall be this--I will take you
+wholly and broil you for my breakfast," which words were no sooner out
+of his mouth but he tumbled headlong into the deep pit, whose heavy fall
+made the very foundation of the mount to shake.
+
+"Oh! giant, where are you now? Faith, you are got into Lobb's Pond,
+where I shall plague you for your threatening words. What do you think
+now of broiling me for your breakfast? Will no other diet serve you but
+poor Jack?" Thus having tantalized the giant for a while, he gave him a
+most weighty knock on the crown of his head with his pick-axe, so that
+he immediately tumbled down, gave a most dreadful groan, and died. This
+done, Jack threw the earth in upon him, and so buried him; then, going
+and searching the cave, he found a great quantity of treasure.
+
+Now, when the Magistrates who employed him heard the work was over, they
+sent for him, declaring that he should henceforth be called Jack the
+Giant-Killer. And in honour thereof, they presented him with a sword,
+together with a fine rich embroidered belt, on which these words were
+wrought in letters of gold--
+
+    "Here's the right valiant Cornish man
+    Who slew the giant Cormillan."
+
+The news of Jack's victory was soon spread; when another huge giant,
+named Blunderboar, hearing of it, vowed to be revenged on Jack if ever
+it was his fortune to light upon him. This giant kept an enchanted
+castle, situated in the midst of a lonesome wood. Now, Jack, about four
+months after, walking near the borders of the said wood, on his journey
+towards Wales, grew weary, and therefore sat himself down by the side of
+a pleasant fountain, where a deep sleep suddenly seized on him, at which
+time the giant coming for water, found him; and by the line on his belt
+knew him to be Jack that killed his brother; and, without any words,
+threw him upon his shoulder, to carry him to his enchanted castle.
+
+Now, as they passed through a thicket, the ruffling of the boughs awaked
+poor Jack, who, finding himself in the clutches of the giant, was
+strangely surprised; for, at the entering within the first walls of the
+castle, he beheld the ground all covered with bones and skulls of dead
+men, the giant telling Jack that his bones would enlarge the number that
+he saw. This said, he brought him into a large parlour, where he beheld
+the bloody quarters of some who were lately slain, and in the next room
+were many hearts and livers, which the giant, in order to terrify Jack,
+told him "that men's hearts and livers were the choicest of his diet,
+for he commonly ate them with pepper and vinegar, and he did not
+question but his heart would make him a dainty bit." This said, he locks
+up poor Jack in an upper room, while he went to fetch another giant
+living in the same wood, that he might partake in the destruction of
+poor Jack.
+
+Now, while he was gone, dreadful shrieks and cries affrighted poor Jack,
+especially a voice which continually cried--
+
+    "Do what you can to get away,
+    Or you'll become the giant's prey;
+    He's gone to fetch his brother, who
+    Will kill and likewise torture you."
+
+This dreadful noise so amazed poor Jack he was ready to run distracted.
+Seeing from the window afar off the two giants coming, "Now," quoth Jack
+to himself, "my death or deliverance is at hand."
+
+There were strong cords in the room by him, of which he takes two, at
+the end of which he makes a noose, and, while the giant was unlocking
+the gate, he threw the ropes over each of the heads, and, drawing the
+other end across the beam, he pulled with all his strength until he had
+throttled them; and then, fastening the rope to the beam, turning
+towards the window he beheld the two giants to be black in their faces.
+Sliding down by the rope, he came close to their heads, where the
+helpless giants could not defend themselves, and, drawing out his sword,
+slew them both, and delivered himself from their intended cruelty; then,
+taking out a bunch of keys, he unlocked the rooms, where he found three
+fair ladies, tied by the hair of their heads, almost starved to death,
+who told Jack that their husbands were slain by the giant, and that they
+were kept many days without food, in order to force them to feed upon
+the flesh of their husbands.
+
+"Sweet ladies," quoth Jack, "I have destroyed this monster, and his
+brutish brother, by which I have obtained your liberties." This said, he
+presented them with the keys of the castle, and so proceeded on his
+journey to Wales.
+
+Jack, having but very little money, thought it prudent to make the best
+of his way by travelling as fast as he could, but, losing his road, was
+benighted, and could not get a place of entertainment until he came to a
+valley placed between two hills, where stood a large house in a lonesome
+place. He took courage to knock at the gate, and to his great surprise
+there came forth a monstrous giant, having two heads; yet he did not
+seem so fiery as the others had been, for he was a Welsh giant, and what
+he did was by secret malice, for Jack telling his condition he bid him
+welcome, showing him a room with a bed in it, whereon he might take his
+night's repose; therefore Jack undressed himself, and, as the giant was
+walking to another apartment, Jack heard him mutter forth these words to
+himself--
+
+    "Though here you lodge with me this night,
+    You shall not see the morning light;
+    My club shall dash your brains out quite."
+
+"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "this is like your Welsh tricks; yet I
+hope to be cunning enough for you." Then getting out of bed he put a
+billet in his stead, and hid himself in a corner of the room; and in the
+dead time of the night the Welsh giant came with his great knotty club,
+and struck several heavy blows upon the head where Jack had laid the
+billet, and then returned to his own chamber, supposing he had broken
+all the bones in his body.
+
+In the morning Jack gave him hearty thanks for his lodging. The giant
+said to him, "How have you rested? Did you not feel something in the
+night?" "Nothing," quoth Jack, "but a rat which gave me three or four
+slaps with her tail." Soon after the giant arose and went to breakfast
+with a bowl of hasty pudding, containing nearly four gallons, giving
+Jack the like quantity, who, being loath to let the giant know he could
+not eat with him, got a large leathern bag, putting it very artfully
+under his loose coat, into which he secretly conveyed his pudding,
+telling the giant he could show him a trick; then, taking a large knife,
+he ripped open the bag, which the giant supposed to be his belly, when
+out came the hasty pudding, at which the Welsh giant cried, "Cotsplut,
+hur can do dat trick hurself." Then, taking his sharp knife, he ripped
+up his own belly from the bottom to the top; and out dropped his bowels,
+so that he fell down for dead. Thus Jack outwitted the giant, and
+proceeded on his journey.
+
+About this time King Arthur's son only desired of his father to furnish
+him with a certain sum of money, that he might go and seek his fortune
+in Wales, where a beautiful lady lived, whom he heard was possessed with
+seven evil spirits; but the king his father advised him utterly against
+it, yet he would not be persuaded of it; so he granted what he
+requested, which was one horse loaded with money, and another for
+himself to ride on; thus he went forth without any attendants.
+
+Now, after several days' travel, he came to a market town in Wales,
+where he beheld a large concourse of people gathered together. The
+king's son demanded the reason of it, and was told that they had
+arrested a corpse for many large sums of money which the deceased owed
+when he died. The king's son replied, "It is a pity that creditors
+should be so cruel; go bury the dead, and let his creditors come to my
+lodging, and their debts shall be discharged." Accordingly they came in
+great numbers, so that he left himself moneyless.
+
+Now, Jack the Giant-Killer being there, and, seeing the generosity of
+the king's son, he was taken with him, and desired to be his servant. It
+was agreed upon the next morning, when, riding out at the town-end, the
+king's son, turning to Jack, said, "I cannot tell how I will subsist in
+my intended journey." "For that," quoth Jack, "take you no care: let me
+alone; I warrant you we will not want."
+
+Now, Jack, having a spell in his pocket, which served at noon for a
+refreshment, when done, they had not one penny left betwixt them. The
+afternoon they spent in travel and discourse, till the sun began to grow
+low, at which time the king's son said, "Jack, since we have no money,
+where can we think to lodge this night?" Jack replied, "We'll do well
+enough, for I have an uncle living within two miles of this. He is a
+monstrous giant with three heads; he will fight 500 men in armour, and
+make them to fly before him." "Alas!" saith the king's son, "what shall
+we do there? He will certainly chop us both up at one mouthful!" "It is
+no matter for that," quoth Jack; "I will go before and prepare the way
+for you. Tarry here."
+
+He waits, and Jack rides full speed; when he came to the castle, he
+knocked with such a force that he made all the neighbouring hills to
+resound. The giant, with a voice like thunder, roared out, "Who's
+there?" He answered, "None but your own cousin Jack. Dear uncle, heavy
+news, God wot." "Prithee, what heavy news can come to me? I am a giant
+with three heads, and besides thou knowest I can fight five hundred
+men." "O! but," quoth Jack, "here's the king's son coming with 1,000 men
+to kill you." "Oh! Jack, this is heavy news indeed. I have a large vault
+under ground, where I will hide myself, and thou shalt lock, bolt, and
+bar me in, and keep the keys till the king's son is gone."
+
+Jack having secured the giant, he returned and fetched his master. They
+were both heartily merry with the wine and other dainties which were in
+the house; so that night they rested in very pleasant lodgings, whilst
+the poor uncle the giant lay trembling in the vault under ground.
+
+Early in the morning Jack furnished his master with a supply of gold and
+silver, and set him three miles forward on his journey, concluding he
+was then pretty well out of the smell of the giant, and then returned to
+let his uncle out of the hole, who asked Jack what he would give him in
+reward, since his castle was not demolished. "Why," quoth Jack, "I
+desire nothing but the old coat and cap, together with the old rusty
+sword and slippers which are at your bed-head." "Jack, thou shalt have
+them, and pray keep them for my sake, for they are things of excellent
+use. The coat will keep you invisible; the cap will furnish you with
+knowledge; the sword cuts asunder whatever you strike, and the shoes are
+of extraordinary swiftness: these may be serviceable to you, and
+therefore pray take them with all my heart." Jack takes them, thanking
+his uncle, and follows his master.
+
+Jack, having overtaken his master, soon after arrived at the lady's
+house, who, finding the king's son to be a suitor, prepared a banquet
+for him, and, being ended, she wiped his mouth with her napkin, saying,
+"You must show this to-morrow, or else lose your head," and she put it
+safely into her bosom.
+
+The king's son went to bed sorrowful, but Jack's cap of knowledge
+instructed him how to obtain it. In the middle of the night she called
+upon her familiar spirit to carry her to Lucifer. Jack put on his coat
+of darkness, with his shoes of swiftness, and was there as soon as her;
+by reason of his coat they could not see him. When she entered the place
+she gave the handkerchief to old Lucifer, who laid it carefully upon a
+shelf, from whence Jack brought it to his master, who showed it to the
+lady the next day.
+
+The next night she saluted the king's son, telling him he must show her
+to-morrow morning the lips that she kissed last this night, or lose his
+head. "Ah," replied he, "if you kiss none but mine I will." "It is
+neither here nor there," said she; "if you do not, death's your
+portion." At midnight she went as before, and was angry with Lucifer for
+letting the handkerchief go. "But now," said she, "I will be too hard
+for the king's son, for I will kiss thee, and he's to show thy lips."
+Jack, standing near him with his sword of sharpness, cut off the devil's
+head, and brought it under his invisible coat to his master, who was in
+bed, and laid it at the end of his bolster. In the morning, when the
+lady came up, he pulled it out by the horns, and showed her the devil's
+lips, which she kissed last.
+
+Thus, having answered her twice, the enchantment broke, and the evil
+spirits left her, at which time she appeared a beautiful and virtuous
+creature. They were married next morning in great pomp and solemnity,
+and returned with a numerous company to the court of King Arthur, where
+they were received with the greatest joy and loud acclamations Jack,
+for the many and great exploits he had done for the good of his country,
+was made one of the Knights of the Round Table.
+
+Jack, having resolved not to be idle, humbly requested of the king to
+fit him with a horse and money to travel, "for," said he, "there are
+many giants alive in the remotest parts of the kingdom, to the
+unspeakable damage of your Majesty's liege subjects; wherefore, may it
+please your Majesty to give me encouragement to rid the realm of these
+cruel and devouring monsters of nature, root and branch."
+
+Now, when the king had heard these noble propositions, and had duly
+considered the mischievous practices of these blood-thirsty giants, he
+immediately granted what Jack requested; and, being furnished with all
+necessaries for his progress, he took his leave of King Arthur, taking
+with him the cap of knowledge, sword of sharpness, shoes of swiftness,
+and likewise the invisible coat, the better to perfect and complete the
+dangerous enterprises that lay before him.
+
+Jack travelled over vast hills and mountains, when, at the end of three
+days, he came to a large and spacious wood, where, on a sudden, he heard
+dreadful shrieks and cries, whereupon, casting his eyes around, he
+beheld a giant rushing along with a worthy knight and his fair lady,
+whom he held by the hair of their heads in his hands, wherefore he
+alighted from off his horse, and then, putting on his invisible coat,
+under which he carried his sword of sharpness, he came up to the giant,
+and, though he made several passes at him, yet he could not reach the
+trunk of his body, by reason of his height, though it wounded his thighs
+in several places; but at length, giving him a swinging stroke, he cut
+off both his legs just below the knee, so that the trunk of his body
+made the ground shake with the force of his fall, at which the knight
+and the lady escaped; then had Jack time to talk with him, and, setting
+his foot upon his neck, said, "You savage and barbarous wretch, I am
+come to execute upon you the just reward of your villainy." And with
+that, running him through and through, the monster sent forth a hideous
+groan, and yielded up his life, while the noble knight and virtuous lady
+were joyful spectators of his sudden downfall and their own deliverance.
+
+This being done, the courteous knight and his fair lady returned him
+hearty thanks for their deliverance, but also invited him home, there to
+refresh himself after the dreadful encounter, as likewise to receive
+ample reward, by way of gratitude for his good service. "No," quoth
+Jack, "I cannot be at ease till I find out the den which was this
+monster's habitation." The knight hearing this waxed sorrowful, and
+replied, "Noble stranger, it is too much to run a second risk, for this
+monster lived in a den under yon mountain, with a brother of his, more
+fierce than himself; therefore, if you go thither and perish in the
+attempt, it would be the heartbreaking of both me and my lady. Let me
+persuade you to go with us." "Nay," quoth Jack, "if there were twenty I
+would shed the last drop of my blood before one of them should escape my
+fury; but when I have finished this task I will come and pay my respects
+to you." So, taking directions to their habitation, he mounted his
+horse, and went in pursuit of the deceased giant's brother.
+
+Jack had not rode past a mile before he came in sight of the cave's
+mouth, at the entrance of which he beheld the other giant sitting upon a
+huge block of timber, with a knotty iron club by his side, waiting for
+his brother's return with his cruel prey. His goggle eyes appeared like
+terrible flames of fire, his countenance grim and ugly, and his cheeks
+appeared like a couple of large flitches of bacon; the bristles of his
+head seemed to resemble rods of iron wire; his locks hung down on his
+broad shoulders like curled snakes.
+
+Jack alighted from his horse, and put him into a thicket; then, with his
+coat of darkness, he came near to behold his figure, and said, "Oh! are
+you here? It will not be long before I take you by the beard." The giant
+could not see him by reason of his invisible coat: so Jack, fetching a
+blow at his head with his sword of sharpness, and missing somewhat of
+his aim, cut off the giant's nose, whose nostrils were wider than a pair
+of jack-boots. The pain was terrible; he put up his hand to feel for his
+nose, and when he could not find it he raved and roared louder than
+thunder; and, though he turned up his large eyes, he could not see from
+whence the blow came; nevertheless, he took up his iron-headed club, and
+began to thrash about him like one stark mad. "Nay," quoth Jack, "if you
+be for that sport, then I will despatch you quickly, for fear of an
+accidental blow." Then Jack makes no more to do, but runs his sword up
+to the hilt in the giant's body, where he left it sticking for a while,
+and stood himself laughing to see the giant caper and dance with the
+sword in him, crying out he should die with the pain in his body. Thus
+did the giant continue raving for an hour or more, and at length fell
+down dead.
+
+This being done, Jack cut off both the giants' heads, and sent them to
+King Arthur by a waggoner, whom he hired for the purpose.
+
+Jack, having despatched these two monsters, resolved to enter the cave
+in search of the giant's treasure. He passed through many turnings and
+windings, which led him at length to a room paved with freestone, at the
+upper end of which was a boiling cauldron; on the right hand stood a
+large table, where the giants used to dine; then he came to an iron
+gate, where was a window secured with bars of iron, through which he
+looked, and beheld a vast many captives, who, seeing Jack, said, "Young
+man, art thou come to be one among us in this miserable den?" "Ay,"
+quoth Jack, "I hope I shall not tarry long here; but what is the meaning
+of your captivity?" "Why," said one of them, "we have been taken by the
+giants, and here we are kept till they have a feast, then the fattest
+among us is slaughtered for their devouring jaws. It is not long since
+they took three of us for the purpose." "Say you so," quoth Jack; "well,
+I have given them both such a dinner that it will be long enough ere
+they need any more. You may believe me, for I have slain them both; and
+as for their monstrous heads, I sent them to the court of King Arthur as
+trophies of my victory." Then, leading them to the aforesaid room, he
+placed them round the table, and set before them two quarters of beef,
+also bread and wine, so that they feasted there very plentifully. Supper
+being ended, they searched the giant's coffers, where, finding a vast
+store of gold, Jack divided it equally among them. They all returned him
+hearty thanks for their treasure and miraculous deliverance. That night
+they went to their rest, and in the morning they arose and departed to
+their respective places of abode, and Jack to the knight's house.
+
+Jack mounted his horse, and by his direction he came to the knight's
+house, where he was received with all demonstrations of joy by the
+knight and his lady, who, in respect to Jack, prepared a feast, which
+lasted for many days, inviting all the gentry in the adjacent parts. He
+presented him with a ring of gold, on which was engraven by curious art
+the picture of the giant dragging a distressed knight and his fair lady
+by the hair of the head.
+
+Now, there were five aged gentlemen who were fathers to some of those
+miserable captives whom Jack had set at liberty, who immediately paid
+him their respects. The smiling bowl was then pledged to the victorious
+conqueror, but during their mirth a dark cloud appeared, which daunted
+the assembly.
+
+A messenger brought the dismal tidings of the approach of one
+Thunderful, a huge giant with two heads, who, having heard of the death
+of his kinsmen, the above-named giants, was come in search of Jack, to
+be revenged on him for their terrible downfall, and was within a mile of
+the knight's seat, the people flying before him from their habitations.
+When they had related this, Jack said, "Let him come. I am prepared with
+a tool to pick his teeth, and you, gentlemen and ladies, walk forth into
+the garden, and you shall be the joyful spectators of this monstrous
+giant's death." To which they consented, wishing him good fortune in
+that great enterprise.
+
+The situation of the knight's house was in a small island, encompassed
+with a vast moat, thirty feet deep and twenty feet wide, over which lay
+a draw-bridge. Wherefore Jack employed two men to cut it on both sides,
+and then, dressing himself in his coat of darkness, putting on his shoes
+of swiftness, he marched against the giant, with his sword of sharpness
+ready drawn. When he came close up, the giant could not see Jack, by
+reason of his invisible coat; nevertheless, he was sensible of
+approaching danger, which made him cry out--
+
+"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman; be he living or be
+he dead, I'll grind his bones to mix my bread."
+
+"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "then thou art a monstrous miller. But
+how? If I serve thee as I did the two giants of late, I should spoil
+your practice for the future."
+
+At which time the giant spoke with a voice as loud as thunder--"Art thou
+that villain which destroyed my kinsmen? Then I will tear thee with my
+teeth, and suck thy blood. I will grind thy bones to powder."
+
+"Catch me first," quoth Jack; and he threw off his coat of darkness that
+the giant might see him, and then ran from him as through fear, the
+giant, with glaring eyes, following after like a walking castle, making
+the earth to shake at every step. Jack led him a dance three or four
+times round the moat, that the ladies and gentlemen might take a full
+view of this huge monster who followed Jack, but could not overtake him
+by reason of his shoes of swiftness. At length Jack took over the
+bridge, the giant, with full speed, pursuing after him, with his iron
+club; but, coming to the middle of the draw-bridge, the weight of his
+body, and the most dreadful steps which he took, it broke down, and he
+tumbled into the water, where he rolled and wallowed like a whale. Jack,
+standing at the side of the moat, laughed at the giant, and said, "You
+would grind my bones to powder? You have water; pray, where is your
+mill?" The giant foamed to hear him scoffing at that rate, though he
+plunged from place to place in the moat. Jack at length got a cart rope,
+and cast it over the giant's two heads with a slip knot, and, by the
+help of horses, he dragged him out again, nearly strangled. Before he
+would let him loose, he cut off both his heads with his sword of
+sharpness, in the view of all the assembly of knights and ladies, who
+gave a shout when they saw the giant despatched. Then, before he would
+either eat or drink, he sent these heads also to the court of King
+Arthur.
+
+After some mirth and pastime, Jack, taking leave of the noble knights
+and ladies, set off in search of new adventures. Through many woods and
+groves he passed, till, coming to the foot of a high mountain late at
+night, he knocked at the door of a lonesome house, at which a man, with
+a head as white as snow, arose and let him in.
+
+"Father," said Jack, "have you any entertainment for a benighted
+traveller that has lost his way?"
+
+"Yes," said the old man; "if thou wilt accept of such as my poor cottage
+afford, thou shalt be welcome." Jack returned him thanks. They sat
+together, and the old man began to discourse as follows--"Son, I am
+sensible thou art the great conqueror of giants, and it is in thy power
+to free this place; for there is an enchanted castle kept by a monstrous
+giant, named Galligantus, who, by the help of a conjurer, betrays
+knights and ladies into this strong castle, where, by magic art, they
+are transformed into sundry shapes; but, above all, I lament the
+misfortune of a duke's daughter, whom they fetched from her father's
+garden, carrying her through the air in a charion drawn by fiery
+dragons. She was immediately transformed into the shape of a white hind.
+Many knights have endeavoured to break the enchantment for her
+deliverance, yet none could accomplish it, by reason of two griffins,
+who are at the entrance of the castle gate, who destroy them as they see
+them; but you, being furnished with an invisible coat, may pass them
+undiscovered, where, on the gates of the castle, you will find engraven
+in characters the means the enchantment may be broken."
+
+Jack gave him his hand, with a promise that in the morning he would
+break the enchantment and free the lady.
+
+Having refreshed themselves with a morsel of meat, they laid down to
+rest. In the morning Jack arose, and put on his invisible coat, his cap
+of knowledge, and shoes of swiftness, and so prepared himself for the
+dangerous enterprise.
+
+Now, when he had ascended the mountain he discovered the two fiery
+griffins. He passed between them, for they could not see him by reason
+of his invisible coat. When he had got beyond them, he found upon the
+gate a golden trumpet, hung in a chain of fine silver, under which were
+engraven--
+
+    "Whoever shall this trumpet blow
+    Shall soon the giant overthrow,
+    And break the black enchantment straight,
+    So all shall be in happy state."
+
+Jack had no sooner read this inscription, but he blew the trumpet, at
+which the foundation of the castle trembled, and the giant, with the
+conjurer, were tearing their hair, knowing their wicked reign was at an
+end. At which time the giant was stooping to take up his club; Jack, at
+one blow with his sword of sharpness, cut off his head. The conjurer
+mounted into the air, and was carried away by a whirlwind. Thus was the
+enchantment broken, and every knight and lady who had been transformed
+into birds and beasts returned to their proper shapes, and the castle,
+though it seemed to be of a vast strength and bigness, vanished away
+like a cloud, whereon universal joy appeared among the released knights
+and ladies. This being done, the head of Galligantus was conveyed to the
+court of King Arthur the next day. Having refreshed the knights and
+ladies at the old man's habitation, Jack set forward to the court of
+King Arthur with those knights and ladies whom he delivered.
+
+Coming to his Majesty, his fame rung through the court, and; as a reward
+of his services, the duke bestowed his daughter in marriage to Jack. The
+whole kingdom was filled with joy at the wedding; after which the king
+bestowed upon him a noble house, with a large estate, where he and his
+lady passed their days in great joy and happiness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+              SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES
+
+                       AND HIS
+
+                 WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY
+
+                     WHICH BEGAN
+
+    _The very next Morning after their Marriage._
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _An Account of Simon's Wedding, and his Wife's
+        Behaviour the Day after their Marriage._
+
+
+Simon, the subject of our ensuing discourse, was a man very unfortunate
+many years after marriage, not only by crosses, but by the cruelty of
+Margery his severe wife--his wedding day being the best he saw in seven
+years after, for then he had all his friends about him. Rough Ralph the
+Fiddler and Will the Piper were appointed to make him and his guests
+merry.
+
+Singing, dancing, and good feasting attended the day, which being ended,
+this loving couple went to bed, where their friends all left them.
+
+But the morning was ushered in with a mighty storm, only because Simon
+put on his roast-meat clothes.
+
+Thus she began the matter--"Why, how now, pray, and what is to-day, that
+you must put on your holiday clothes, with a pye-crust to you? What do
+you intend to do, say you, tell me quickly."
+
+"Nothing," said Simon, "but to walk abroad with you, sweet wife, as it
+is common on the day after marriage."
+
+"No, no," said Margery, "this must not, nor shall not be. It is very
+well known that I have brought you a very considerable fortune--forty
+shillings in money, and a good milch cow, four fat wethers, with half a
+dozen ewes and lambs; likewise, geese, hens, and turkeys; also a sow and
+pigs, with other moveables, worth more than any of your crook-back
+generation is able to give you. And do you think you shall lead as lewd
+a life now as you did before you married; but if you do, then say my
+name is not Margery. Now I've got you in the bands of matrimony I will
+make you know what it is to be married; therefore, to work you rascal,
+and take care that what I brought is not consumed; for, if you do not,
+what will become of your wife and children?"
+
+Now, Simon looked liked one that had neither sense nor reason, but stood
+amazed, as if there had been a whole army of Billingsgate shrews.
+However, recollecting what he had heard about scolds, he muttered to
+himself, "Udswagers, I think I have got a woeful one now."
+
+"What is that you say, sirrah?" said she.
+
+"Nothing, dear wife, but what you say I allow to be true."
+
+And so, taking his bag and bottle, he went forward to his daily labour:
+but, coming towards the lower end of the town, he chanced to meet old
+Jobson, a cobbler, a merry blade, who loved a cup of good ale.
+
+"What! honest Simon," said Jobson, "I am glad to see you, for since our
+last meeting I hear you are married, and now I wish thee much
+happiness."
+
+Now, old Jobson, being a merry fellow, invited Simon to take a flaggon
+of the best liquor that the next ale-house would afford, and there to
+drink to Margery's health.
+
+Being merry in discourse, talking of the tricks and pranks they had
+played when bachelors.
+
+Jobson, taking up the flaggon in his hand, said, "Come, here's to thee,
+honest Simon, and I wish thee better luck than Randal, thy old
+father-in-law, had with his wife; for she was such a scold that happy
+were they who lived out of the clamour of her noise. But without doubt
+thy dear wife may be of a milder spirit, and have more of her father's
+meekness than her mother's fury in her; but come, Simon, here's to thee
+and to thy dearly-beloved Margery."
+
+Cries Simon, "If she was present how merry we should be; but, I fear, on
+the wrong side of the mouth."
+
+"Well," said Jobson, "I vow I long to see her; and I verily believe she
+would be as glad to see me. I dare to say she will prove a very good
+wife."
+
+"Truly, neighbour Jobson, I don't know; but if I have no better ending
+than beginning, I wish I had ended my life at the plough tail."
+
+No sooner were these words out of his mouth but in comes Margery, with
+her gossips, whom Simon wished to see, forsooth. He wished her much joy,
+but Margery, in a woeful fury, snatched up Jobson's oaken staff from off
+the table, and gave poor Simon such a clank upon the noddle which made
+the blood spin out, saying, "Is this your work, sirrah?" Jobson, seeing
+so sudden an alteration, was affrighted, not knowing how to escape.
+
+She then turned about to the left, saying, "Thou rogue and rascal, it is
+you that ruins all the good women's husbands in the town; therefore you
+shall not go unrewarded," giving him such strokes over his back and
+shoulders as caused poor Jobson to lay in bed almost a fortnight.
+
+Simple Simon all this while not having any power to run away, but stood
+like one half frighted out of his wits, and trembling before his bride,
+with his hat in one hand and the flaggon in the other, begging her that
+she would be patient, and he would never offend her any more.
+
+But she gave him a frown, and bid him begone about his business, which
+he immediately did. So then Margery and her friendly gossips had the
+whole apartment to themselves, where they sat till they were all as
+drunk as fish-women.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _She drags him up into the Chimney, and hangs him
+                      a Smoke-drying._
+
+
+At night, when he returned to his own home, Margery, by the help of a
+nap she had taken, was a little restored to her senses again; but yet,
+not forgetting the fault he had committed, she invented a new kind of
+punishment; for, having a wide chimney, wherein they used to dry bacon,
+she, taking him at a disadvantage, tied him hand and foot, bound him in
+a basket, and, by the help of a rope, drew him up to the beam in the
+chimney, and left him there to take his lodging the second night after
+his wedding, with a small, smoky fire under him, so that in the morning
+he almost reezed like to a red-herring. But in length of time he
+prevailed with his wife to show him so much pity as to let him down
+again.
+
+    "In love release me from this horrid smoke,
+    And I will never more my wife provoke;
+    She then did yield to let him down from thence,
+    And said, 'Be careful of the next offence.'"
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _Simon loses a Sack of Corn that he was carrying
+               to the Mill to have ground._
+
+
+Not long after she sent him to the mill with a sack of corn, and bade
+him remember what she said to him, or else he should not go unpunished.
+
+"Well," said Simon, "I hope I shall never offend thee any more."
+
+For this promise she gave him a mess of milk, and when he had eaten all
+up he took the sack of corn upon his back, and went towards the mill,
+which stood about two miles from the house.
+
+When Simon was got about half way he began to be weary, which was the
+forerunner of a great misfortune, for a man riding by, leading an empty
+horse towards the mill, perceived Simon weary of his load, told him he
+might lay it upon his spare horse, to which Simon willingly consented.
+
+The man riding on, Simon could not pace with him, so desired him to
+leave it for him at the mill. He promised he would, but never intended
+to perform his promise.
+
+Simon, thus loosing his sack of corn, knew not how to go home, or show
+his face before his wife, until he got two or three of his neighbours to
+go with him to beg for his pardon, and to help to make up the difference
+between them, which they did after a long parley. So that for this crime
+he passed unpunished.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Simon goes to the Market with his Basket of Eggs,
+           breaks them all by the Way, and is set in the Stocks._
+
+
+But, although he was not punished according to the severe correction he
+had formerly received, yet he did not escape the continual railings in
+his ears for several days after, ever and anon she crying out, "You sot,
+will you never be wise?"
+
+"Yes, sweet Margery, dear Margery, I hope I shall some time."
+
+"Well," says she, "I'll now try you once more. Here, take this basket of
+eggs, and go to the market and sell them, but be sure don't break them
+nor spend the money, for if you do, sorrow will be your sops, and you
+may expect to feel the weight of my hands more than ever you have done
+before."
+
+At which harsh words he trembled much, and looked as white as his dear
+Margery's shift, for fear that he should miscarry with his basket of
+eggs, for he well knew that his wife would be sure to be as good as her
+promise.
+
+Then Simon, taking his basket of eggs, trudged away to the market, but
+was no sooner come there than, seeing a vast crowd of people, he was
+resolved to see what was the matter.
+
+When he came to the place he found that two butter-women had fallen out,
+and to that degree that they had taken one another by the que of their
+hair, and their fillets all flying about their ears; which Simon seeing
+he was moved with compassion, and ran to part them, but in vain; poor
+Simon was still unfortunate, and came off with a great loss, for one of
+the women pushed him down and broke his eggs.
+
+Poor Simon was now almost distracted to see the ground, but whether it
+was the fear of the anger of his wife, or whether it was courage, thus
+it was, Simon ran in amongst them, and resolved to be revenged on them
+for the loss of his eggs.
+
+Whilst they were in the fray the constable came, and, supposing them
+drunk, gave orders that they should all be set in the stocks
+together--Simon in the middle, and the women on each side--which was
+accordingly done; but they rang such a peal in Simon's ears that he was
+deaf for a fortnight after.
+
+Being released, he ventured home again, dreading the impending storm;
+but this was his comfort in the midst of all his hard fortune, that,
+though he might feel the force of her blows, still he would be deaf to
+her noise, being stunned by the women in the stocks.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Simon's Wife Cudgels him severely
+           for losing his Money._
+
+
+At length Simon coming home he met with his beloved wife Margery, who,
+seeing his dejected countenance, she began to mistrust something, and
+so, taking hold of his arm, she hauled him in for examination.
+
+When Simon saw this he could not forbear weeping, and began to tell her
+a dismal story concerning the stocks; but she wanted the money for the
+eggs; but Simon, being deaf, could not hear her, which made her fall on
+him with such fury that he was obliged to run up stairs and jump out of
+the chamber window, which, when she saw, she followed him down the town,
+with a hundred boys and girls after them, Simon still crying out to the
+people, "You may see what it is to be married."
+
+And her tone was, "You rascal; the money for my eggs," often giving him
+a crack on the crown.
+
+At length it was his good hap to get away from her.
+
+Night drawing on, and Simon not having one penny to help himself, was
+forced to make the best of a bad bargain, resolved for to lodge that
+night in a hog-stye amongst the swine.
+
+And so the next morning, in the presence of some of his dearest friends,
+he begged pardon on his knees of his sweet, kind, and loving wife,
+Margery.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Simon loses his Wife's Pail, and at the same time burns
+                   out the Bottom of her Kettle._
+
+
+Margery, being reconciled again on his humble petition, she charged him
+to be careful for the future that he did not offend her as he had done
+before, which he promised to observe. "Then, Simon," said she, "I am
+this day to go to a gossiping, and shall leave you at home to make a
+fire and hang on the kettle."
+
+"Yes, sweet wife."
+
+Now, Margery was no sooner gone but he made a fire and hung on the
+kettle. Then, taking the pail, he goes to the well to fetch some water,
+when there came an ox running down, and a butcher and his boy close
+after him, who called out to Simon to stop the ox, which he endeavoured
+to do, but the ox, giving them the slip, Simon ran in pursuit of him for
+the space of three or four miles, and, having secured him, the butcher
+gave him many thanks for his kindness.
+
+So Simon returned back to the well, but his pail was lost, and he made
+sad lamentation for it, inquiring about it, but could not hear nothing
+of it; and as the old proverb says, "One sorrow never comes alone," for
+on going in doors the fire was flaming, and the bottom of the kettle was
+quite burnt out.
+
+At the sight of this he fell to wringing his hands and crying out with a
+lamentable tone; "None was so unfortunate as poor Simon. What shall I
+say to my wife when she comes? First, I have lost my pail; and, second,
+I have let the bottom of the kettle be burnt out. Here will be a sad
+reckoning for these misfortunes."
+
+Just in the middle of these lamentations in comes Margery, who, having
+heard him, came armed and fitted for the fray.
+
+"How now, sirrah," said she, "has this been the care you promised of my
+business?" and with that let fly an earthen pot at his head, which
+caused the blood to run about his ears.
+
+This done, she took him by the collar, and cuft him about the kitchen at
+a most terrible rate, Simon crying for mercy, but cruel Margery still
+increased his misery, till the neighbours came, persuading Margery to
+be satisfied, "for," said they, "it was but a mischance."
+
+"A rascal," said she, "for I can set him about nothing, but thus he
+serves me."
+
+They still interceded for Simon, until at length she excused him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Simon's Wife sends him to buy Soap, but, going over a
+          Bridge, he lets his Money fall into the River;
+        and of a Ragman's running away with his Clothes._
+
+
+Margery, calling Simon to her, said, "Will you never be careful in
+anything I set you about?"
+
+"Yes, dear wife, I hope I shall."
+
+"Why, then," said she, "take this money. I have tied it in a clout, that
+you may not lose it. Therefore, go you to the market, and make all the
+haste you can, and get me some soap."
+
+"I will, sweet wife," quoth he, and with that he went as fast as he
+could.
+
+Now, on his way he was to pass over a bridge, and, coming to the middle
+of it, a flight of crows flew over his head, which so frightened him
+that he let fall his money.
+
+This was the beginning of a new sorrow. He stood awhile, and knew not
+what course to take. At length he resolved to pull off his clothes and
+jump into the water and search for it. Now, as he was searching for his
+money, an old ragman came by, and put his clothes into a bag.
+
+Simon, seeing this, pursued him, but in vain, and was forced to return
+home naked, which his wife seeing fell in a most horrible sweat, and,
+taking the dog-whip, she so jerked poor Simon about, making him to dance
+the canaries for two hours, till he cried out, "Good wife, forbear!" but
+she cried out, "You rascal! where is my money, and your clothes?" Thus
+she continued until she was tired, and he heartily begged her pardon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                  THE ADVENTURES
+
+                         OF
+
+                BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,
+
+           WHO WAS FOR MORE THAN FORTY YEARS
+
+                  KING OF THE BEGGARS.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Carew's Boyhood. And how he became a Gipsy._
+
+
+Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew was the son of a clergyman near Tiverton, in
+Devonshire, and born in 1693. He was tall and majestic, his limbs strong
+and well-proportioned, his features regular, and his countenance open
+and ingenious, bearing the resemblance of a good-natured mind. At twelve
+years old he was put to Tiverton school, where he soon got a
+considerable knowledge of the Latin and Greek tongues, so as to be
+fitted for the University, that in due time he might be fitted for the
+church, for which his father designed him; but here a new exercise
+engaged his attention, namely, that of hunting, in which he soon made a
+prodigious progress. The Tiverton scholars had command of a fine cry of
+hounds, which gave Carew a frequent opportunity of exercising his
+beloved employment, and getting acquainted with John Martin, Thomas
+Coleman, and John Escott, young gentlemen of the best rank and fortune.
+One day a farmer came to the school and complained of a deer, with a
+collar round its neck, that he had seen running through his grounds, and
+had done him much damage, desiring them to hunt it down and kill it.
+They, wishing for no better sport, on the next day put the old farmer's
+request into execution, in doing of which they did much damage to the
+neighbouring grounds, whose owners, together with Colonel Nutcombe, to
+whom the deer belonged, came and complained to the schoolmaster of the
+injuries they had suffered by his scholars; they were very severely
+reprimanded and hard threatened for the same. The resentment of the
+present reproof and the fear of future chastisement made them abscond
+from the school; and going into a brick ale-house, about half a mile from
+Tiverton, there they accidentally fell in company with some gipsies, who
+were then feasting and carousing. This company consisted of seventeen,
+who were met on purpose for festivity and jollity; which, by plenty of
+meat, fowl, flowing cups of beer, cider, etc., they seemed to enjoy to
+their hearts' content. In short, the freedom, mirth, and pleasure that
+appeared among them, invited our youngsters to enlist into their
+company; which, on communicating to the gipsies, they would not believe
+them, as thinking they jested; but on tarrying with them all night and
+continuing in the same mind next morning, they at length thought them
+serious and encouraged them; and, after going through the requisite
+ceremonials and administering to them the proper oath, they admitted
+them into their number.
+
+The reader will, no doubt, wonder to hear of the ceremonials and oaths
+among gipsies and beggars, but that will cease on being informed, that
+these people are subject to a form of government and laws peculiar to
+themselves, and pay due obedience to one who is styled their king; to
+which honour Carew in a short time arrived, after having by many acts
+proved himself worthy of it. The substance of them is this--Strong love
+and mutual regard for each member in particular, and the whole community
+in general; which, being taught them in their infancy, grows up with
+them, prevents oppression, frauds, and over-reaching one another, which
+is common among other people, and tends to the very worst of evils.
+This happiness and temper of mind so wrought on Carew as to occasion the
+strongest attachment to them for forty years, refusing very large offers
+that had been made to him to quit their society.
+
+Being thus initiated into the ancient society of gipsies, who take their
+name from Egypt--a place well known to abound in learning, and the
+inhabitants of which country travel about from place to place to
+communicate knowledge to mankind--Carew did not long continue in it
+before he was consulted in important matters; particularly Madam
+Musgrove, of Monkton, near Taunton, hearing of his fame, sent for him to
+consult him in an affair of difficulty. When he was come, she informed
+him that she suspected a large quantity of money was buried somewhere
+about her house, and if he would acquaint her with the particular place,
+she would handsomly reward him. Carew consulted the secrets of his art
+on this occasion, and, after a long study, he informed the lady that
+under a laurel tree in the garden lay the treasure she sought for; but
+that she must not seek it till such a day and hour. The lady rewarded
+him with twenty guineas; but, whether Carew mistook his calculations or
+the lady mistook her lucky hour, we cannot tell, but truth obliges us to
+say, the lady having dug below the root of the laurel tree she could not
+find the treasure.
+
+When he was further initiated, he was consulted in important matters and
+met with better success; generally giving satisfaction by his wise and
+sagacious answers. In the meantime his parents sorrowed after him, as
+one that was no more, having advertised him in all the public papers and
+sent messengers after him to almost every part of the kingdom; till
+about a year and a half afterwards, when Carew, hearing of their grief,
+and being struck with tenderness thereat, repaired to his father's
+house. He was so disguised they did not know him, but when they did
+their joy was beyond expressing, tenderly embracing him, bedewing his
+cheeks with tears and kisses, and all his friends and neighbours showed
+every demonstration of joy at his return. His parents did everything to
+render home agreeable to him; but the uncommon pleasure he had enjoyed
+in the community he had left, their simplicity, freedom, sincerity,
+mirth, and frequent change of habitation, and the secret presages of the
+honour he has since arrived at, sickened and palled all other
+diversions, and at last prevailed over his filial duty, for one day,
+without taking leave of his friends or parents, he went back to them
+again, where he was heartily welcomed, both to his own and their
+satisfaction, they being glad to regain one who was likely to become so
+useful a member of their community.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Carew's First Adventure in his New Profession._
+
+
+Carew being again initiated among them, at the first general assembly of
+the gipsies, took the oaths of allegiance to their sovereign, by whom he
+was soon sent out on a cruise against their enemies. Carew now set his
+wits to work how to succeed: so equipping himself with an old pair of
+trousers, a piece of a jacket, just enough to cover his nakedness,
+stockings full of holes, and an old cap, he forgot both friends and
+family and became nothing more or less than an unfortunate shipwrecked
+seaman. In this, his first excursion, he gained much credit, artfully
+imitating passes and certificates that were necessary for him to travel
+unmolested. After a month's travel he happened to meet with his old
+school-fellow Coleman, who had once left the gipsies' society, but, for
+the same reason as himself, returned to them again. Great was their joy
+at meeting, and they agreed to travel some time together; so entering
+Exeter, they, in one day, raised a contribution of several pounds.
+
+Having obtained all he could from this stratagem, he then became a
+plain, honest farmer, whose grounds had been overflowed, and cattle
+drowned; his dejected countenance and mournful tale, together with a
+wife and seven helpless infants being partakers of his misfortunes,
+gained him both pity and profit.
+
+Having obtained a considerable booty by these two stratagems, he
+returned to his companions, where he was received with great applause;
+and, as a mark of their respect, seated him next the king. He soon
+became a great man in the profession and confined not himself from doing
+good to others, when it did not infringe upon the community of which he
+was a member.
+
+His next stratagem was to become a madman; so stripping himself quite
+naked, he threw a blanket over him and then he was, "Poor mad Tom, whom
+the foul fiend had led through fire and through flame; through fire and
+whirlpool, over bog and quagmire; that hath laid knives under his
+pillow, and halters in his pew; set ratsbane for his porridge, and made
+him proud at heart to ride on a bay trotting-horse over four-inch
+bridges; to curse his own shadow for a traitor; who eats the
+swimming-frog, the toad, the tadpole, the wall-newt, and the water-newt;
+that in the fury of his heart, when the foul fiend rages, swallows the
+old rat and ditch dog; drinks the green mantle of the standing pool:
+
+    And mice and rats, and such like gear,
+    Have been Tom's food for seven long year.
+
+"O do de, do de, do de! bless thee! from whirlwind, star-blasting, and
+taking! Do poor Tom some charity, whom the foul fiend vexes. There I
+could have him now--and there!--and there!--and here again!--and
+there!--Through the sharp hawthorn blows the cold wind--Tom's a
+cold!--who gives anything to poor Tom?"
+
+In this character, with such like expressions, he entered the houses of
+both small and great, claiming kindred to them, and committing all kinds
+of frantic actions, such as beating himself, offering to eat coals of
+fire, running against the wall, and tearing to pieces whatever garments
+were given to him to cover his nakedness; by which means he raised
+considerable contributions.
+
+He never was more happy than when he was engaged in some adventure;
+therefore he was always very diligent to inquire when any accident
+happened, especially fire, to which he would immediately repair, and,
+getting information of the causes, names, trades, and circumstances of
+the unhappy sufferers, he would assume one of them, and burning some
+part of his clothes, by way of demonstration, run to some place distant,
+pass for one of them, gain credit and get much profit. Under this
+character he had once the boldness to address a justice, who was the
+terror and professed enemy to all the gipsies, yet he so well managed
+the affair, that in a long examination he made him believe he was an
+honest miller, whose house, mill and substance had been consumed by
+fire, occasioned by the negligence of the apprentice; and accordingly,
+got a bountiful sum for his relief, the justice not in the least
+suspecting a defraud.
+
+He had such wonderful facility in every character he assumed, that he
+even deceived those who thought themselves so well acquainted with him,
+that it was impossible for him to impose on them.
+
+Coming one day to Squire Portman's house at Blandford, in the character
+of a rat-catcher, with a hair cap on his head, a buff girdle about his
+waste, a little box by his side, and a tame rat in his hand, he goes
+boldly up to the house, where he had been well known before, and meeting
+the squire, Parson Bryant, and one Mr. Pleydell, of Milbourn, and some
+other gentlemen, he asked them if they had any rats to kill. "Do you
+understand the business well?" says the squire. "Yes, an please your
+honour," replied Carew, "I have been a rat-catcher for many years, and I
+have been employed in his majesty's yards and ships." "Well," says the
+squire, "go in and get some vituals, and after dinner we will try your
+abilities." He was accordingly called into the parlour, where were a
+large company of gentlemen and ladies. "Well, honest rat-catcher," says
+the squire, "can you lay any scheme to kill the rats without hurting my
+dogs?" "Yes, yes," cries Carew, "I can lay it where even the rats cannot
+climb to reach it." "What countryman are you?" "A Devonshire man, an
+please your honour." "What is your name?" Here our hero began to
+perceive that he was discovered, by the smilings and whisperings of
+several gentlemen, and he very composedly answered, "My name is Bamfylde
+Moore Carew." This occasioned much mirth, and Mr. Pleydell expressed
+extraordinary pleasure. He had often wished to see him but never had.
+"Yes, you have," replied Carew, "and given me a suit of clothes. Do you
+not remember meeting a poor wretch one day at your stable door, with a
+stocking round his head, an old mantle over his shoulders, without
+shirt, stockings, or scarce any shoes, who told you he was a poor
+unfortunate man, cast away upon the coast, with sixteen more of the crew
+who were all drowned; you, believing the story, generously relieved me
+with a guinea and a good suit of clothes." "I well remember it," said
+Mr. Pleydell, "but, on this discovery, it is impossible to deceive me so
+again, come in whatever shape you will." The company blamed him for thus
+boasting, and secretly prevailed upon Carew to put his art in practice
+to convince him of the fallacy thereof: to which he agreed, and in a few
+days after appointing the company present to be at Mr. Pleydell's house,
+he put the following scheme into execution.
+
+He shaved himself closely, and clothed himself in an old woman's
+apparel, with a high-crowned hat, and a large dowdy under his chin;
+then, taking three children from among his fraternity, he tied two on
+his back and one under his arm. Thus accoutred, he comes to Mr.
+Pleydell's door, and pinching one of the brats, set it a roaring; this
+gave the alarm to the dogs, who came out with open mouths, so that the
+whole company was soon alarmed. Out came the maid saying, "Carry away
+the children, good woman, they disturb the ladies." "God bless their
+ladyships," said Carew, "I am the poor unfortunate grandmother of these
+helpless infants, whose mother and all they had were burnt at the
+dreadful fire at Kirkton, and hope the good ladies, for Heaven's sake,
+will bestow something on the poor, famishing, starving infants." In goes
+the maid with this affecting story to the ladies, while Carew keeps
+pinching the children to make them cry, and the maid soon returned with
+half-a-crown and some good broth, which he thankfully received, and went
+into the court-yard to sit down and sup them, as perceiving the gentlemen
+were not at home. He had not long been there before they came, when one
+of them accosted him thus--"Where do you come from, old woman?" "From
+Kirkton, please your honours," said he, "where the poor unhappy mother
+of these helpless infants was burnt in the flames and all she had
+consumed." "There has been more money collected for Kirkton than ever
+Kirkton was worth," said the gentleman. However, they gave the supposed
+old grandmother a shilling, commiserating the hard case of her and her
+poor helpless infants, which he thankfully received, pretending to go
+away; but the gentlemen were hardly got into the house, before their
+ears were suddenly saluted with a "tantivy, tantivy," and a "halloo" to
+the dogs; on which they turned about, supposing it to be some other
+sportsmen; but seeing nobody, they imagined it to be Carew, in the
+disguise of the old Kirkton grandmother; so bidding the servants fetch
+him back, he was brought into the parlour among them all, and confessed
+himself to be the famous Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew, to the astonishmet
+and mirth of them all; who well rewarded him for the diversion he had
+afforded them.
+
+In like manner he raised a contribution twice in one day of Mr. Jones,
+near Bristol. In the morning, with a sooty face, leather apron, a
+dejected countenance, and a woollen cap, he was generously relieved as
+an unfortunate blacksmith, whose all had been consumed by fire. In the
+afternoon he exchanged his legs for crutches, and, with a dejected
+countenance, pale face, and every sign of pain, he became a disabled
+tinner, incapable of maintaining a wife and seven small children, by the
+damps and hardships he had suffered in the mines; and so well acted his
+part, that the tinner got as well relieved in the afternoon as the
+blacksmith in the morning.
+
+These successful stratagems gained him high applause and honour in the
+community of gipsies. He soon became the favourite of their king, who
+was very old and decrepid, and had always some honourable mark of
+distinction assigned him at their assemblies.
+
+Being one morning near the seat of his good friend, Sir William
+Courtney, he was resolved to pay him three visits that day. He therefore
+puts on a parcel of rags, and goes to him with a piteous, mean, dismal
+countenance, and deplorable tale, and got half-a-crown from him, telling
+him he had met with great misfortunes at sea. At noon he puts on a
+leather apron scorched with fire, and with a dejected countenance goes
+to him again, and was relieved as an unfortunate shoemaker, who had been
+burnt out of his house and all he had. In the afternoon he goes again in
+trimmed clothes, and desiring admittance to Sir William, with a modest
+grace and submissive eloquence, he repeats his misfortunes, as the
+supercargo of a vessel which had been cast away and his whole effects
+lost.
+
+Sir William, seeing his genteel appearance and behaviour, treated him
+with respect and gave him a guinea at his departure. There were several
+gentlemen at dinner with Sir William at that time, none of whom had any
+knowledge of him except the Rev. Mr. Richards, who did not discover him
+till he was gone; upon which a servant was despatched to desire him to
+come back, which he did; and when he entered the room they were very
+merry with him and requested him to give an account how he got his fine
+clothes, and of his stratagems, with the success of them. He asked Sir
+William if he had not given half-a-crown in the morning to a beggar, and
+about noon relieved a poor unfortunate shoemaker. "I did," said Sir
+William. "Behold him before you," said Carew, "in this fine embroidered
+coat, as a broken merchant." The company would not believe him; so to
+convince them, he re-assumed those characters again, to their no small
+mirth and satisfaction.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _Carew made King of the Beggars._
+
+
+On the death of the king of the gipsies, named Clause Patch, our hero
+was a candidate to succeed him, and exhibited to the electors a long
+list of bold and ingenious stratagems which he had executed, and made so
+graceful and majestic an appearance in his person, that he had a
+considerable majority of voices, though there were ten candidates for
+the same honour; on which he was declared duly elected and hailed by the
+whole assembly--King of the Gipsies. The public register of their acts
+being immediately committed to his care, and homage done him by all the
+assembly, the whole concluded by rejoicings.
+
+Though Mr. Carew was now privileged, by the dignity of his office, from
+going on any cruise, and was provided with everything necessary by the
+joint contribution of the community, yet he did not give himself up to
+indolence. Our hero, though a king, was as active in his stratagems as
+ever, and ready to encounter any difficulty which seemed to promise
+success.
+
+Mr. Carew being in the town of South Molton, in Devonshire, and having
+been ill-used by an officer there called the bellman, resolved on the
+following stratagem by way of revenge. It was at that time reported that
+a gentleman of the town, lately buried, walked nightly in the
+churchyard; and as the bellman was obliged by his nightly duty to go
+through it just at the very hour of one, Mr. Carew repaired thither a
+little before the time, and stripping in his shirt, lay down upon the
+gentleman's grave. Soon after, hearing the bellman approach, he raised
+himself up with a solemn slowness, which the bellman beholding, by the
+glimmerings of the moon through a dark cloud, was terribly frightened,
+so took to his heels and ran away. In his fright he looked behind him,
+and seeing the ghost following him, dropped his bell and ran the faster;
+which Carew seized on as a trophy, and forbore any further pursuit. The
+bellman did not stop till he reached home, where he obstinately affirmed
+he had seen the gentleman's ghost, who had taken away the bell, which
+greatly alarmed the whole town.
+
+Coming to the seat of Squire Rhodes, in Devonshire, and knowing he had
+lately married a Dorsetshire lady, he thought proper to become a
+Dorsetshire man of Lyme, the place of the lady's nativity; and meeting
+the squire and his bride, he gave them to understand that he was lost in
+a vessel belonging to Lyme, Captain Courtney, commander. The squire and
+his lady gave him half-a-crown each, for country sake, and entertained
+him at their house.
+
+Our hero, exercising his profession at Milbury, where the squire's
+father lived, and to whom the son was come on a visit, Mr. Carew made
+application to him, and knocking at the door, on its being opened, saw
+the young squire sitting alone, whom Mr. Rhodes interrupted by saying he
+"was twice in one day imposed on by that rogue Carew, of whose gang you
+may likely be: besides, I do not live here, but am a stranger." In the
+meantime comes the old squire, with a bottle of wine in his hand, giving
+Carew a wink to let him understand he knew him, and then very gravely
+inquired into the circumstances of his misfortunes, and also of the
+affairs and inhabitants of Dartmouth, from whence he pretended to have
+sailed several times, of all which he gave a full and particular
+account, whereupon the old squire gave him half-a-crown, and the young
+one the same; on which Carew and the old man burst into laughter, and
+discovered the whole affair, at which Squire Rhodes was a little
+chagrined at being imposed on a third time; but, on recollecting the
+expertness of the performer, was well satisfied, and they spent the
+remainder of the day in mirth and jollity.
+
+At Bristol he dressed himself like a poor mechanic, and then going out
+into the streets, acted the religious madman, talking in a raving manner
+about Messrs. Whitfield and Wesley, as though he was disordered in his
+mind by their preaching; calling in a furious manner, every step, upon
+the Virgin Mary, Pontius Pilate, and Mary Magdalene, and acting every
+part of a man religiously mad; sometimes walking with his eyes fixed
+upon the ground, and then on a sudden he would break out in some
+passionate expressions about religion. This behaviour greatly excited
+the curiosity and compassion of the people; some of them talked to him,
+but he answered everything they said in a wild and incoherent manner;
+and, as compassion is generally the forerunner of charity, he was
+relieved by most of them.
+
+Next morning he appeared in a morning gown, still acting the madman, and
+addressed himself to all the posts of the street, as if they were
+saints, lifting up his hands and eyes to heaven, in a fervent but
+distracted manner, and making use of so many extravagant gestures, that
+he astonished the whole city. Going through Castle Street he met the
+Rev. Mr. Bone, whom he accosted with his arms thrown around him, and
+insisted, in a raving manner, he should tell him who was the father of
+the morning star; which frightened the parson so much, that he took to
+his heels and ran for it, Carew running after him, till the parson was
+obliged to take shelter in a house.
+
+Having well recruited his pocket by this stratagem, he left Bristol
+next day, and travelled towards Bath, acting the madman all the way till
+he came to Bath: as soon as he came there, he inquired for Dr. Coney's,
+and being directed to his house, found two brother mendicants at the
+door. After they had waited some time, the servant brought out each of
+them a halfpenny, for which his brother mendicants were very thankful.
+But Carew gave his halfpenny to one of them; then knocking at the door,
+and the maid coming out again, "Tell your master," says he, "I am not a
+halfpenny man, but that my name is Bamfylde Moore Carew, king of the
+mendicants;" which being told, the doctor came out with one of his
+daughters and gave him sixpence and a mug of drink, for which he
+returned them thanks.
+
+Mr. Carew happening to be in the city of Wells on a Sunday, was told the
+bishop was to preach that morning, on which he slipped on a black
+waistcoat and morning gown, and ran out to meet the bishop as he was
+walking in procession, and addressed himself to him as a poor unhappy
+man, whose misfortunes had turned his brains; which the bishop hearing
+gave him half-a-crown.
+
+It was in Newcastle-upon-Tyne that he became enamoured with the daughter
+of Mr. Glady, an eminent apothecary and surgeon there. This young lady
+had charms sufficient to captivate the heart of any man susceptible of
+love; and they made so deep an impression upon him, that they wholly
+effaced every object which before had created any desire in him, and
+never permitted any other to raise them afterwards; for, wonderful to
+tell, we have, after about thirty years' enjoyment, seen him lament her
+occasional absence, almost with tears, and talk of her with all the
+fondness of one who has been in love with her but three days. Our hero
+tried all love's persuasions with his fair one in an honourable way,
+and, as his person was very engaging and his appearance genteel, he did
+not find her greatly averse to his proposals. As he was aware that his
+being of the community of gipsies might prejudice her against him,
+without examination, he passed with her for the mate of a collier's
+vessel, in which he was supported by Captain Lawn, in whose vessel they
+set sail; and the very winds being willing to favour these happy lovers,
+they had an exceedingly quick passage to Dartmouth, where they landed.
+In a few days they set out for Bath, where they lawfully solemnized
+their nuptials with great gaiety and splendour; and nobody at that time
+could conjecture who they were, which was the cause of much speculation
+and false surmises.
+
+Some time after this he took his passage at Folkstone, in Kent, for
+Boulogne, in France, where he arrived safe and proceeded to Paris and
+other noted cities of that kingdom. His habit was now tolerably good,
+his countenance grave, his behaviour sober and decent--pretending to be
+a Roman Catholic, who had left England, his native country, out of an
+ardent zeal for spending his days in the bosom of the Catholic church.
+This story readily gained belief: his zeal was universally applauded,
+and handsome contributions made for him. But, at the time he was so
+zealous a Roman Catholic, with a little change of habit, he used to
+address those English he heard of in any place, as a Protestant and
+shipwrecked seaman; and had the good fortune to meet with an English
+physician at Paris, to whom he told this deplorable tale, who not only
+relieved him very handsomely, but recommended him to that noble pattern
+of unexhausted benevolence, Mrs. Horner, who was then on her travels,
+from whom he received ten guineas, and from some other company with her
+five more.
+
+It was about this time he became acquainted with the Hon. Sir William
+Weem, in the following manner:--Being at Watchett, in Somersetshire,
+near the seat of that gentleman, he resolved to pay him a visit. Putting
+on, therefore, a jacket and a pair of trousers, he made the best of his
+way to Sir William's seat, and luckily met Sir William, Lord
+Bolingbroke, and several other gentlemen and clergy, with some
+commanders of vessels, walking in the park. Carew approached Sir William
+with a great deal of seeming fearfulness and respect, and with much
+modesty acquainted him he was a Silverton man, that he was the son of
+one of his tenants named Moore--had been to Newfoundland, and in his
+passage homeward, the vessel was run down by a French ship in a fog, and
+only he and two more were saved; but being put on board an Irish vessel,
+were carried into Ireland, and from thence landed at Watchett. Sir
+William hearing this, asked him a great many questions concerning the
+inhabitants of Silverton, who were most of them his own tenants, and of
+the principal gentlemen in the neighbourhood; all whom Carew was well
+acquainted with and therefore gave satisfactory answers. Sir William at
+last asked him if he knew Bickley, and if he knew the parson thereof.
+Carew replied that he knew him very well, and so indeed he might as it
+was no other than his own father. Sir William then inquired what family
+he had, and whether he had not a son named Bamfylde, and what became of
+him. "Your honour," replied he, "means the beggar and dog-stealer--I
+don't know what has become of him, but it is a wonder if he is not
+hanged by this time." "No, I hope not," replied Sir William, "I should
+be glad, for his family's sake, to see him at my house." Having
+satisfactorily answered many other questions, Sir William generously
+relieved him with a guinea, and Lord Bolingbroke followed his example;
+the other gentlemen and clergy contributed according to their different
+ranks. Sir William then ordered him to go to his house and tell the
+butler to entertain him, which he accordingly did, and set himself down
+with great comfort.
+
+Having heard that young Lord Clifford, his first cousin (who had just
+returned from his travels abroad), was at his seat at Callington, about
+four miles from Bridgewater, he resolved to pay him a visit. In his way
+thither resided parson Carson, who, being one whom nature had made up in
+a hurry without a heart, Mr. Carew had never been able to obtain
+anything off him, even under the most moving appearance of distress, but
+a small cup of drink. Stopping now in his way, he found the parson was
+gone to Lord Clifford's; but, being saluted at the door by a fine black
+spaniel, with almost as much crustiness as he would have been had his
+master been at home, he thought himself under no stronger obligation of
+observing the strict laws of honour, than the parson did of hospitality;
+and therefore soon charmed the crossness of the spaniel and made him
+follow him to Bridgewater.
+
+Having secured the spaniel and passed the night merrily at Bridgewater,
+he set out the next morning for Lord Clifford's, and in his way called
+upon the parson again, who very crustily told him he had lost his dog,
+and supposed some of his gang had stolen him; to which Mr. Carew very
+calmly replied, "What was he to his dog, or what was his dog to him? if
+he would make him drink it was well, for he was very dry." At last, with
+the use of much rhetoric, he got a cup of small drink; then, taking
+leave of him, he went to the Red Lion, in the same parish, where he
+stayed some time. In the meantime, down ran the parson to my Lord
+Clifford's, to acquaint him that Mr. Carew was in the parish and to
+advise him to take care of his dogs; so that Mr. Carew, coming down
+immediately after, found a servant with one dog in his arms, and another
+with another, here one stood whistling and another calling, and both my
+lord and his brother were running about to seek after their favourites.
+
+Mr. Carew asked my lord what was the meaning of this hurry, and if his
+dogs were cripples, because he saw several carried in the servants'
+arms, adding, he hoped his lordship did not imagine he was come to steal
+any of them. Upon which his lordship told him, that parson Carson had
+advised him to be careful, as he had lost his spaniel but the day
+before. "It may be so," replied he, "the parson knows but little of me,
+or the laws of our community, if he is ignorant that with us ingratitude
+is unknown, and the property of our friends always sacred." His
+lordship, hearing this, entertained him very handsomely, and both
+himself and his brother made him a present.
+
+On his return home, he reflected how idly he had spent the prime of
+life; and recovering from a severe illness, he came to a resolution of
+resigning the Egyptian sceptre. The assembly, finding him determined,
+reluctantly acquiesced, and he departed amidst the applause and sighs of
+his subjects.
+
+Our adventurer, finding the air of the town not rightly to agree with
+him, and the death of some of his relations rendering his circumstances
+quite easy, he retired to the western parts, to a neat purchase he had
+made, and there he ended his days, beloved and esteemed by all; leaving
+his daughter (his wife dying some time before him) a genteel fortune,
+who was married to a neighbouring young gentleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                   COMICAL SAYINGS
+
+                         OF
+
+                   PADDY FROM CORK
+
+                      WITH HIS
+
+               COAT BUTTONED BEHIND
+
+   Being an Elegant Conference between English Tom and
+                      Irish Teague;
+              WITH PADDY'S CATECHISM,
+    And his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor.
+
+
+
+
+    PART I.
+
+
+_Tom._ GOOD morrow, sir. This is a very cold day.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, yesternight was a very cold morning.
+
+_Tom._ Well, brother traveller, of what nation art thou?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I came from my own kingdom.
+
+_Tom._ Why, I know that; but where is thy kingdom?
+
+_Teag._ Allelieu, dear honey, don't you know Cork in Ireland?
+
+_Tom._ You fool, Cork is not a kingdom, but a city.
+
+_Teag._ Then, dear shoy, I'm sure it is in a kingdom.
+
+_Tom._ And what is the reason you have come and left your own dear
+country?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, by Shaint Patrick, they have got such comical
+laws in our country that they will put a man to death in perfect health;
+so, to be free and plain with you, neighbour, I was obliged to come
+away, for I did not choose to stay among such a people that can hang a
+poor man when they please, if he either steals, robs, or kills a man.
+
+_Tom._ Ay, but I take you to be more of an honest man than to steal,
+rob, or kill a man.
+
+_Teag._ Honest, I am perfectly honest. When I was but a child my mother
+would have trusted me with a house full of mill-stones.
+
+_Tom._ What was the matter? Was you guilty of nothing?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I did harm to nobody, but fancied an old
+gentleman's gun, and afterwards made it my own.
+
+_Tom._ Very well, boy, and did you keep it so?
+
+_Teag._ Keep it? I would have kept it with all my heart while I lived.
+Death itself could not have parted us; but the old rogue, the gentleman,
+being a justice of peace himself, had me tried for the rights of it, and
+how I came by it, and so took it again.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you clear yourself without punishment?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I told him a parcel of lies, but they would not
+believe me, for I said that I got it from my father when it was a little
+pistol, and I had kept it till it had grown a gun, and was designed to
+use it well until it had grown a big cannon, and then sell it to the
+military. They all fell a-laughing at me as I had been a fool, and bade
+me go home to my mother and clean the potatoes.
+
+_Tom._ How long is it since you left your own country?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I do not mind whether it be a fortnight or
+four months; but I think myself it is a long time. They tell me my
+mother is dead since, but I won't believe it until I get a letter from
+her own hand, for she is a very good scholar, suppose she can neither
+write nor read.
+
+_Tom._ Was you ever in England before?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, that I was, and in Scotland too.
+
+_Tom._ And were they kind to you when you were in Scotland?
+
+_Teag._ They were that kind that they kicked me, and the reason was
+because I would not pay the whole of the liquor that was drunk in the
+company, though the landlord and his two sons got mouthful about of it
+all, and I told them it was a trick upon travellers first to drink his
+liquor, and then to kick him out of doors.
+
+_Tom._ I really think they have used you badly, but could you not beat
+them.
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, beat them all to their own contentment; but
+there was one of them stronger than me who would have killed me if the
+other two had not pulled me away, and I had to run for it till his
+passion was over. Then they made us drink and gree again; we shook
+hands, and made a bargain never to harm other more; but this bargain did
+not last long, for, as I was kissing his mouth, by Shaint Patrick I bit
+his nose, which caused him to beat me very sore for my pains.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what calling was you when in Scotland?
+
+_Teag._ Why, sir, I was no business at all, but what do you call the
+green tree that's like a whin bush, people makes a thing to sweep the
+house of it!
+
+_Tom._ O, yes, Paddy, they call it the broom.
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, you have it, I was a gentleman's broom, only waited on
+his horses, and washed the dishes for the cook; and when my master rode
+a-hunting I went behind with the dogs.
+
+_Tom._ O, yes, Paddy, it was the groom you mean. But I fancy you was
+cook's mate or kitchen boy.
+
+_Teag._ No, no, it was the broom that I was; and if I had stayed there
+till now I might have been advanced as high as my master, for the ladies
+loved me so well that they laughed at me.
+
+_Tom._ They might admire you for a fool.
+
+_Teag._ What, sir, do you imagine that I am not a fool? No, no; my
+master asked counsel of me in all his matters, and I always give him a
+reason for everything. I told him one morning that he went too soon to
+the hunting, that the hares were not got out of their beds, and neither
+the barking of horns nor the blowing of dogs could make them rise, it
+was such a cold morning that night; so they all ran away that we
+catched, when we did not see them. Then my master told my words to
+several gentlemen that were at dinner, and they admired me for want of
+judgment, for my head was all of a lump, adding they were going
+a-fishing along with my master and me in the afternoon; but I told them
+that it was a very unhappy thing for any man to go a-hunting in the
+morning and a-fishing in the afternoon. They would try it, but they had
+better stayed at home, for it came on a most terrible fine night of
+south-west rain, and even down wind; so the fishes got all below the
+water to keep themselves dry from the shower, and we catched them all,
+but got none.
+
+_Tom._ How long did you serve that gentleman, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was with him six weeks, and he beat me seven
+times.
+
+_Tom._ For what did he beat you? Was it for your madness and foolish
+tricks?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, it was not, but for being too inquisitive, and going
+sharply about business. First, he sent me to the post office to inquire
+if there were any letters for him; so when I came there, said I, "Is
+there any letters here for my master to-day?" Then they asked who was my
+master. "Sir," said I, "it is very bad manners in you to ask any
+gentleman's name." At this they laughed, mocking me, and said they could
+give me none if I would not tell my master's name; so I returned to my
+master and told him the impudence of the fellow, who would give me no
+letters unless I would tell him your name, master. My master at this
+flew in a passion, and kicked me down stairs, saying, "Go, you rogue,
+and tell my name directly. How can the gentleman give letters when he
+knows not who is asking for them?" Then I returned and told my master's
+name; so they told me there was one for him. I looked at it, being very
+small, and, asking the price of it, they told me it was sixpence.
+"Sixpence," said I; "will you take sixpence for that small thing, and
+selling bigger ones for twopence. Faith, I am not such a big fool. You
+think to cheat me now. This is not a conscionable way of dealing. I'll
+acquaint my master with it first." So I came and told my master how they
+would have sixpence for his letter, and was selling bigger ones for
+twopence. He took up my head and broke his cane with it, calling me a
+thousand fools, saying the man was more just than to take anything but
+the right for it; but I was sure there was none of them right, buying
+and selling such dear pennyworths. So I came again for my dear sixpence
+letter; and, as the fellow was shuffling through a parcel of them,
+seeking for it again, to make the best of a dear market, I picked up
+two, and home I comes to my master, thinking he would be pleased with
+what I had done. "Now," said I, "master, I think I have put a trick upon
+them fellows for selling the letter to you." "What have you done." "I
+have only taken other two letters. Here's one for you, master, to help
+your dear penny-worth, and I'll send the other to my mother to see
+whether she be dead or alive, for she's always angry I don't write to
+her." I had not the word well spoken till he got up his stick and beat
+me heartily for it, and sent me back to the fellows again with the two.
+I had a very ill will to go, but nobody would buy them of me.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, I think you was to blame, and your master, too, for
+he ought to have taught you how to go about these affairs, and not beat
+you so.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I had too much wit of my own to be teached by
+him, or anybody else. He began to instruct me after that how I should
+serve the table, and such nasty things as those. One night I took ben a
+roasted fish in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. The old
+gentleman was so saucy he would not take it, and told me I should bring
+nothing to him without a trencher below it. The same night, as he was
+going to bed, he called for his slippers; so I clapt a trencher below
+the slippers, and ben I goes. No sooner did I enter the room than he
+threw the trencher at me, which broke both my head and the trencher at
+one blow. "Now," said I, "the evil one is in my master altogether, for
+what he commands at one time he countermands at another." Next day I
+went with him to the market to buy a sack of potatoes. I went to the
+potato-monger, and asked what he took for the full of a Scot's cog. He
+weighed them in. He asked no less than fourpence. "Fourpence!" said I;
+"if I were but in Dublin I could get the double of that for nothing, and
+in Cork and Linsale far cheaper. Them is but small things like pease,"
+said I, "but the potatoes in my country is as big as your head--fine
+meat, all made up in blessed mouthfuls." The potato merchant called me a
+liar, and my master called me a fool; so the one fell a-kicking me and
+the other a-cuffing me. I was in such bad bread among them that I called
+myself both a liar and a fool to get off alive.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you carry your potatoes home from the market?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I carried the horse and them both, besides a
+big loaf, and two bottles of wine; for I put the old horse on my back,
+and drove the potatoes before me; and when I tied the load to the loaf,
+I had nothing to do but to carry the bottle in my hand; but bad luck to
+the way as I came home, for a nail out of the heel of my foot sprung a
+leak in my brogue, which pricked the very bone, bruised the skin, and
+made my brogue itself to blood; and I having no hammer by me, but a
+hatchet I left at home, I had to beat down the nail with the bottom of
+the bottle; and by the book, dear shoy, it broke to pieces, and
+scattered the wine in my mouth.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you recompense your master for the loss of the bottle
+of wine?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I had a mind to cheat him, and myself too, for
+I took the bottle to a blacksmith, and desired him to mend it, that I
+might go to the butcher and get it full of bloody water; but he told me
+he could not work in anything but steel and iron. "Arra," said I, "if I
+were in my own kingdom, I could get a blacksmith who would make a bottle
+out of a stone, and a stone out of nothing."
+
+_Tom._ And how did you trick your master out of it?
+
+_Teag._ Why, the old rogue began to chide me, asking me what way I broke
+it. Then I held up the other as high as my head, and let it fall to the
+ground on a stone, which broke it all to pieces likewise. "Now," said I,
+"master, that's the way," and he beat me very heartily until I had to
+shout out mercy and murder all at once.
+
+_Tom._ Why did you not leave him when he used you so badly?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I could never think to leave him while I could
+eat; he gave me so many good victuals, and promised to prefer me to be
+his own bone-picker. But, by Shaint Patrick, I had to run away with my
+life or all was done, else I had lost my dear shoul and body too by him,
+and then come home much poorer than I went away. The great big bitch
+dog, which was my master's best beloved, put his head into a pitcher to
+lick out some milk, and when it was in he could not get it out; and I,
+to save the pitcher, got the hatchet and cut off the dog's head, and
+then I had to break the pitcher to get out the head. By this I lost both
+the dog and the pitcher. My master, hearing of this, swore he would cut
+the head off me, for the poor dog was made useless, and could not see to
+follow anybody for want of his eyes. And when I heard of this, I ran
+away with my own head, for, if I had wanted it, I had lost my eyes too,
+then I would not have seen the road to Port Patrick, through Glen-nap;
+but, by Shaint Patrick, I came home alive in spite of them.
+
+_Tom._ O, rarely done, Paddy; you behaved like a man! But what is the
+reason that you Irish people swear always by Saint Patrick?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, he was the best shaint in the world, the
+father of all good people in the kingdom. He has a great kindness for an
+Irishman when he hears him calling on his name.
+
+_Tom._ But, Paddy, is Saint Patrick yet alive?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I don't know whether he be dead or alive, but
+it is a long time since they killed him. The people all turned heathens,
+but he would not change his profession, and was going to run the country
+with it, and for taking the gospel away to England, so the barbarous
+Tories of Dublin cutted off his head; and he swimmed over to England,
+and carried his head in his teeth.
+
+
+    PART II.
+
+_Tom._ How did you get safe out of Scotland?
+
+_Tom._ By the law, dear honey. When I came to Port Patrick, and saw my
+own kingdom, I knew I was safe at home, but I was clean dead, and almost
+drowned before I could get riding over the water; for I, with nine
+passengers more, leapt into a little young boat, having but four men
+dwelling in a little house in the one end of it, which was all thacked
+with deals; and, after they had pulled up her tether-stick, and laid her
+long halter over her mane, they pulled up a long sheet, like three pair
+of blankets, to the rigging of the house, and the wind blew in that,
+which made her gallop up one hill and down another, till I thought she
+would have run to the world's end.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, and where did you go when you came to Ireland again?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, and where did I go but to my own dear cousin,
+who was now become very rich by the death of the old buck, his father,
+who died but a few weeks before I went over, and the parish had to bury
+him out of pity; it did not cost him a farthing.
+
+_Tom._ And what entertainment did you get there?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, I was kindly used as another gentleman, and
+would have stayed there long enough, but when a man is poor his friends
+think little of him. I told him I was going to see my brother Harry.
+"Harry!" said he, "Harry is dead." "Dead!" said I, "and who killed him?"
+"Why," said he, "Death." "Allelieu, dear honey, and where did he kill
+him?" said I. "In his bed," says he. "Arra, dear honey," said I, "if he
+had been upon Newry mountains, with his brogues on, and his broad sword
+by his side, all the deaths in Ireland had not have killed him. O that
+impudent fellow Death. If he had let him alone till he died for want of
+butter milk and potatoes, I am sure he had lived all the days of his
+life."
+
+_Tom._ In all your travels when abroad, did you never see none of your
+countrymen to inform you of what happened at home concerning your
+relations?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I saw none but Tom Jack, one day in the street;
+but when I came to him, it was not him, but one just like him.
+
+_Tom._ On what account did you go a-travelling?
+
+_Teag._ Why, a recruiting sergeant listed me to be a captain, and after
+all advanced me no higher than a soldier itself, but only he called me
+his dear countryman recruit, for I did not know what the regiment was
+when I saw them. I thought they were all gentlemen's sons and
+collegioners, when I saw a box like a Bible upon their bellies, until I
+saw G for King George upon it, and R for God bless him. "Ho, ho," said
+I, "I shan't be long here."
+
+_Tom._ O, then, Paddy, you deserted from them?
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, and ran to the mountains like a buck, and
+ever since when I see any soldiers I close my eyes, lest they should
+look and know me.
+
+_Tom._ And what exploits did you when you was a soldier?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I killed a man.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you do that?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, when he dropt his sword I drew mine, and
+advanced boldly to him, and then cutted off his foot.
+
+_Tom._ O, then, what a big fool was you, for you ought first to have cut
+off his head.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, his head was cutted off before I engaged him,
+else I had not done it.
+
+_Tom._ O, then, Paddy, you acted like a fool; but you are not such a big
+fool as many take you to be. You might pass for a philosopher.
+
+_Teag._ A fulusipher. My father was a fulusipher; besides, he was a man
+under great authority by law, condemning the just and clearing the
+guilty. Do you know how they call the horse's mother?
+
+_Tom._ Why, they call her a mare.
+
+_Teag._ A mare, ay, very well minded. My father was a mare in Cork.
+
+_Tom._ And what riches was left you by the death of your mother?
+
+_Teag._ A bad luck to her own barren belly, for she lived in great
+plenty, and died in great poverty; devoured up all or she died, but two
+hens and a pockful of potatoes--a poor estate for an Irish gentleman, in
+faith.
+
+_Tom._ And what did you make of the hens and potatoes? Did you sow them?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I sowed them in my belly, and sold the hens to
+a cadger.
+
+_Tom._ What business did your mother follow after?
+
+_Teag._ Greatly in the merchant way.
+
+_Tom._ And what sort of goods did she deal in?
+
+_Teag._ Dear honey, she went through the country and sold small fishes,
+onions, and apples; bought hens and eggs, and then hatched them herself.
+I remember of a long-necked cock she had, of an oversea brood, that
+stood on the midden and picked all the stars out of the north-west, so
+they were never so thick there since.
+
+_Tom._ Now, Paddy, that's a bull surpasses all; but is there none of
+that cock's offspring alive now?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I don't think there are; but it is a pity but
+that they had, for they would fly with people above the sea, which would
+put the use of ships out of fashion, and nobody would be drowned at all.
+
+_Tom._ Very well, Paddy, but in all your travels did you ever get a
+wife?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, that's what I did, and a wicked wife, too; and, my dear
+shoy, I can't tell whether she is gone to Purgatory or the parish of
+Pig-trantrum, for she told me she should certainly die the first
+opportunity she could get, as this present evil world was not worth the
+waiting on, so she would go and see what good things is in the world to
+come; so when that old rover called the Fever came raging over the whole
+kingdom, she went away and died out of spite, leaving me nothing.
+
+_Tom._ O, but, Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor, and got some
+pills and physic for her.
+
+_Teag._ By Shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own as any doctor
+in the kingdom could give her.
+
+_Tom._ O, you fool, that is not what I mean. You ought to have brought
+the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood off her if he thought it
+needful.
+
+_Teag._ Yes, that's what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever she
+died, and sought something for a dead or dying woman. The old foolish
+devil was at his dinner, and began to ask me some stupid questions, and
+then kicked me down stairs.
+
+_Tom._ And in what good order did you bury your wife when she died?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, she was buried in all manner of pomp, pride,
+and splendour--a fine coffin, with cords in it; and within the coffin,
+along with herself, she got a pair of new brogues, a penny candle, a
+good, hard-headed old hammer, with an Irish sixpenny piece, to pay her
+passage at the gate, and what more could she look for?
+
+_Tom._ I really think you gave her enough along with her, but you ought
+to have cried for her, if it was no more but to be in the fashion.
+
+_Teag._ And why should I cry without sorrow, when we hired two criers to
+cry all the way before her to keep her in the fashion?
+
+_Tom._ And what do they cry before a dead woman?
+
+_Teag._ Why, they cry the common cry, or funeral lament, that is used in
+our Irish country.
+
+_Tom._ And what manner of cry is that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Dear Tom, if you don't know I'll tell you. When any person dies
+there is a number of criers goes before, saying, "Luff, fuff, fou,
+allelieu, dear honey, what aileth thee to die! It was not for want of
+good butter milk and potatoes."
+
+
+    PART III.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, and what did you do when your wife died?
+
+_Teag._ Dear honey, what would I do? Do you think I was such a big fool
+as to die too? I am sure if I had I would not have got fair play, when I
+am not so old yet as my father was when he died.
+
+_Tom._ No, Paddy, it is not that I mean. Was you sorry, or did you weep
+for her?
+
+_Teag._ Weep for her! By Shaint Patrick, I would not weep, nor yet be
+sorry, suppose my own mother and all the women in Ireland had died seven
+years before I was born.
+
+_Tom._ What did you do with your children when she died?
+
+_Teag._ Do you imagine I was such a big fool as bury my children alive
+along with a dead woman? Arra, dear honey, we always commonly give
+nothing along with a dead person but an old shirt, a winding sheet, a
+big hammer, with a long candle, and an Irish silver threepenny piece.
+
+_Tom._ Dear Paddy, and what do they make of all these things?
+
+_Teag._ Then, Tom, since you are so inquisitive, you must go ask the
+priest.
+
+_Tom._ What did you make of your children, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ And what should I make of them? Do you imagine that I should
+give them into the hands of the butchers, as they had been a parcel of
+young hogs. By Shaint Patrick, I had more unnaturality in me than to put
+them in an hospital as others do.
+
+_Tom._ No; I suppose you would leave them with your friends?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, a poor man's friends is sometimes worse than a professed
+enemy. The best friend I ever had in the world was my own pocket while
+my money lasted; but I left two babes between the priest's door and the
+parish church, because I thought it was a place of mercy, and then set
+out for England in quest of another fortune.
+
+_Tom._ I fancy, Paddy, you came off with what they call a moonshine
+flitting.
+
+_Teag._ You lie like a thief now, for I did not see sun, moon, nor
+stars, all the night then, for I set out for Cork at the dawn of night,
+and I had travelled twenty miles all but twelve before gloaming in the
+morning.
+
+_Tom._ And where did you go to take shipping?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I came to a country village called Dublin, as
+big a city as any market town in all England, where I got myself aboard
+of a little young boat with a parcel of fellows and a long leather bag.
+I supposed them to be tinklers, until I asked what they carried in that
+leather sack. They told me it was the English mail they were going over
+with. "Then," said I, "is the milns so scant in England that they must
+send over their corn to Ireland to grind it?" The comical, cunning
+fellows persuaded me it was so. Then I went down to a little house below
+the water, hard by the rigg-back of the boat, and laid me down on their
+leather sack, where I slept myself almost to death with hunger. And,
+dear Tom, to tell you plainly, when I waked I did not know where I was,
+but thought I was dead and buried, for I found nothing all round me but
+wooden walls and timber above.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you come to yourself to know where you was at last?
+
+_Teag._ By the law, dear shoy, I scratched my head in a hundred parts,
+and then set me down to think upon it; so I minded it was my wife that
+was dead, and not me, and that I was alive in the young boat with the
+fellows that carries over the English meal from the Irish milns.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, then, Paddy, I am sure you was glad when you found yourself
+alive?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I was very sure I was alive, but I did not
+think to live long, so I thought it was better for me to steal and be
+hanged than to live all my days and die directly with hunger at last.
+
+_Tom._ Had you no meat nor money along with you?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I gave all the money to the captain of the
+house, or gudeman of the ship, to take me into the sea or over to
+England; and when I was like to eat my old brogues for want of victuals,
+I drew my hanger and cut the lock of the leather sack to get a lick of
+their meal; but, allelieu, dear shoy, I found neither meal nor seeds,
+but a parcel of papers and letters--a poor morsel for a hungry man.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, then, Paddy, you laid down your honesty for nothing.
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, I was a great thief, but got nothing to steal.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you get victuals at last?
+
+_Teag._ Allelieu, dear honey, the thoughts of meat and drink, death and
+life, and everything else, was out of mind. I had not a thought but one.
+
+_Tom._ And what was that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ To go down among the fishes and become a whale; then I would
+have lived at ease all my days, having nothing to do but to drink salt
+water and eat caller oysters.
+
+_Tom._ What was you like to be drowned again?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, drowned, as cleanly drowned as a fish, for the sea blew
+very loud, and the wind ran so high, that we were all cast safe on
+shore, and not one of us drowned at all.
+
+_Tom._ Where did you go when you came on shore?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was not able to go anywhere. You might cast
+a knot on my belly, I was so hollow in the middle, so I went into a
+gentleman's house and told him the bad fortune I had of being drowned
+between Ireland and the foot of his garden, where we came all safe
+ashore. But all the comfort I got from him was a word of truth.
+
+_Tom._ And what was that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Why, he told me if I had been a good boy at home I needed not to
+have gone so far to push my fortune with an empty pocket, to which I
+answered, "And what magnifies that so long as I am a good workman at no
+trade at all?"
+
+_Tom._ I suppose, Paddy, the gentleman would make you dine with him?
+
+_Teag._ I really thought I was when I saw them roasting and skinning so
+many black chickens, which was nothing but a few dead crows they were
+going to eat. "Ho ho," said I, "them is but dry meat at the best. Of all
+the fowls that flee commend me to the wing of an ox; but all that came
+to my share was a piece of boiled herring and a roasted potato. That was
+the first bit of bread I ever ate in England."
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what business did you follow after in England when
+you was so poor?
+
+_Teag._ What, sir, do you imagine I was poor when I came over on such an
+honourable occasion as to list, and bring myself to no preferment at
+all? As I was an able-bodied man in the face, I thought to be made a
+brigadeer, a grandedeer, or a fuzeleer, or even one of them blew-gowns
+that holds the fierry stick to the bung-hole of the big cannons when
+they let them off to fright away the French. I was as sure as no man
+alive ere I came from Cork, the least preferment I could get was to be
+riding master to a regiment of marines, or one of the black horse
+itself.
+
+_Tom._ And where in England was it you listed?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I was going through a little country village.
+The streets were very sore by reason of the hardness of my feet and
+lameness of my brogues, so I went but very slowly across the streets.
+From port to port is a pretty long way; but I, being weary, thought
+nothing of it. Then the people came all crowding to me as I had been a
+world's wonder, or the wandering Jew, for the rain blew in my face and
+the wind wetted all my belly, which caused me to turn the back of my
+coat before and my buttons behind, which was a good safeguard to my
+body, and the starvation of my naked body, for I had not a good shirt.
+
+_Tom._ I am sure, then, Paddy, they would take you for a fool?
+
+_Teag._ No, no, sir; they admired me for my wisdom, for I always turned
+my buttons before when the wind blew behind; but I wondered how the
+people knew my name and where I came from, for every one told another
+that was Paddy from Cork. I suppose they knew my face by seeing my name
+in the newspapers.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what business did you follow in the village?
+
+_Teag._ To be sure I was not idle, working at nothing at all, till a
+decruiting sergeant came to town with two or three fellows along with
+him, one beating on a fiddle, and another playing on a drum, tossing
+their airs through the streets, as if they were going to be married. I
+saw them courting none but young men, so, to bring myself to no
+preferment at all, I listed for a soldier. I was too big for a
+grandedeer.
+
+_Tom._ What listing money did you get, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I got five thirteens and a pair of English
+brogues. The guinea, and the rest of the gold, was sent to London to the
+King, my master, to buy me new shirts, a cockade, and common treasing
+for my hat. They made me swear the malicious oath of devilry against the
+king, the colours, and my captain, telling me if ever I desert and not
+run away that I should be shot, and then whipt to death through the
+regiment.
+
+_Tom._ No, Paddy; it is first whipt, and then shot, you mean.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, it is all one thing at last; but it is best to
+be shot and then whipt--the cleverest way to die I'll warrant you.
+
+_Tom._ How much pay did you get, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Do you know the little tall fat sergeant that feed me to be a
+soldier?
+
+_Tom._ And how should I know them I never saw, you fool?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, you may know him whether you see him or not. His face
+is all bored in holes with the smallpox, his nose is the colour of a
+lobster-toe, and his chin like a well washen potato. He's the biggest
+rogue in our kingdom. You'll know him when you meet him again. The rogue
+height me sixpence a day, kill or no kill; and when I laid Sunday and
+Saturday both together, and all the days in one day, I can't make a
+penny above fivepence of it.
+
+_Tom._ You should have kept an account, and asked your arrears once a
+month.
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, but he reads a paternoster out of his prayer
+book, wherein all our names are written; so much for a stop-hold to my
+gun, to bucklers, to a pair of comical harn-hose, with leather buttons
+from top to toe; and, worst of all, he would have no less than a penny a
+week to a doctor. "Arra," said I, "I never had a sore finger, nor yet a
+sick toe, all the days of my life; then what have I to do with the
+doctor, or the doctor to do with me."
+
+_Tom._ And did he make you pay all these things?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, pay and better pay: he took me before his captain, who
+made me pay all was in his book. "Arra, master captain," said I, "you
+are a comical sort of a fellow now; you might as well make me pay for my
+coffin before I be dead, as to pay for a doctor before I be sick;" to
+which he answered in a passion, "Sir," said he, "I have seen many a
+better man buried without a coffin;" "Sir," said I, "then I'll have a
+coffin, die when I will, if there be as much wood in all the world, or I
+shall not be buried at all." Then he called for the sergeant, saying,
+"You, sir, go and buy that man's coffin, and put it in the store till he
+die, and stop sixpence a week off his pay for it." "No, no, sir," said
+I, "I'll rather die without a coffin, and seek none when I'm dead, but
+if you are for clipping another sixpence off my pay, keep it all to
+yourself, and I'll swear all your oaths of agreement we had back again,
+and then seek soldiers where you will."
+
+_Tom._ O then, Paddy, how did you end the matter?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, by the nights of Shaint Patrick and help of my
+brogues, I both ended it and mended it, for the next night before that,
+I gave them leg bail for my fidelity, and went about the country a
+fortune-teller, dumb and deaf as I was not.
+
+_Tom._ How old was you, Paddy, when you was a soldier last?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was three dozen all but two, and it is only
+two years since, so I want only four years of three dozen yet, and when,
+I live six dozen more, I'll be older than I am, I warrant you.
+
+_Tom._ O but, Paddy, by your account you are three dozen of years old
+already:
+
+_Teag._ O what for a big fool are you now, Tom, when you count the years
+I lay sick; which time I count no time at all.
+
+
+PADDY'S NEW CATECHISM.
+
+_Tom._ Of all the opinions professed in religion tell me now, Paddy, of
+what profession art thou?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, my religion was too weighty a matter to carry
+out of mine own country: I was afraid that you English Presbyterians
+should pluck it away from me.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, was your religion such a load that you could not
+carry it along with you?
+
+_Teag._ Yes, that it was, but I carried it always about with me when at
+home, my sweet cross upon my dear breast, bound to my dear button hole.
+
+_Tom._ And what manner of worship did you perform by that?
+
+_Teag._ Why, I adored the cross, the pope, and the priest, cursed Oliver
+as black as crow, and swears myself a cut throat against all Protestants
+and church of Englandmen.
+
+_Tom._ And what is the matter but you would be a church of Englandmen,
+or a Scotch Presbyterian yourself, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Because it is unnatural for an Irishman: but had Shaint Patrick
+been a Presbyterian, I had been the same.
+
+_Tom._ And for what reason would you be a Presbyterian then, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Because they have liberty to eat flesh in lent, and everything
+that's fit for the belly.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, are you such a lover of flesh that you would change
+your profession for it?
+
+_Teag._ O yes, that's what I would. I love flesh of all kinds, sheep's
+beef, swine's mutton, hare's flesh, and hen's venison; but our religion
+is one of the hungriest in all the world, ah! but it makes my teeth to
+weep, and my stomach to water, when I see the Scotch Presbyterians, and
+English churchmen, in time of lent, feeding upon bulls' and sheep's
+young children.
+
+_Tom._ What reward will you get when you are dead, for punishing your
+stomach so while you are alive?
+
+_Teag._ By Shaint Patrick I'll live like a king when I'm dead, for I
+will neither pay for meat nor drink.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, do you think that you are to come alive again when
+you are dead?
+
+_Teag._ O yes, we that are true Roman Catholics will live a long time
+after we are dead; when we die in love with the priests, and the good
+people of our profession.
+
+_Tom._ And what assurance can your priest give you of that?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, our priest is a great shaint, a good shoul, who
+can repeat a paternoster and Ave Maria, which will fright the very
+horned devil himself, and make him run for it, until he be like to fall
+and break his neck.
+
+_Tom._ And what does he give you when you are dying? that makes you come
+alive again?
+
+_Teag._ Why, he writes a letter upon our tongues, sealed with a wafer,
+gives us a sacrament in our mouth, with a pardon, and direction in our
+right hand, who to call for at the ports of Purgatory.
+
+_Tom._ And what money design you to give the priest for your pardon?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, I wish I had first the money he would take for it, I
+would rather drink it myself, and then give him both my bill and my
+honest word, payable in the other world.
+
+_Tom._ And how then are you to get a passage to the other world, or who
+is to carry you there?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, Tom, you know nothing of the matter: for when I
+die, they will bury my body, flesh, blood, dirt, and bones, only my skin
+will be blown up full of wind and spirit, my dear shoul I mean; and then
+I will be blown over to the other world on the wings of the wind; and
+after that I'll never be killed, hanged, nor drowned, nor yet die in my
+bed, for when any hits me a blow, my new body will play buff upon it
+like a bladder.
+
+_Tom._ But what way will you go to the new world, or where is it?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, the priest knows where it is, but I do not, but
+the Pope of Rome keeps the outer-port, Shaint Patrick the inner-port,
+and gives us a direction of the way to Shaint Patrick's palace, which
+stands on the head of the Stalian loch, where I'll have no more to do
+but chap at the gate.
+
+_Tom._ What is the need for chapping at the gate, is it not always open?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, you know little about it, for there is none can enter
+but red hot Irishmen, for when I call Allelieu, dear honey, Shaint
+Patrick countenance your own dear countryman if you will, then the gates
+will be opened directly for me, for he knows and loves an Irishman's
+voice, as he loves his own heart.
+
+_Tom._ And what entertainment will you get when you are in?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear, we are all kept there until a general review, which
+is commonly once in the week; and then we are drawn up like as many
+young recruits, and all the blackguard scoundrels is picked out of the
+ranks, and one half of them is sent away to the Elysian fields, to curry
+the weeds from among the potatoes, the other half of them to the River
+sticks, to catch fishes for Shaint Patrick's table, and them that is
+owing the priests any money is put in the black hole, and then given to
+the hands of a great black bitch of a devil, which is keeped for a
+hangman, who whips them up and down the smoky dungeon every morning for
+six months.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, are you to do as much justice to a Protestant as a
+Papist?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, the most justice we are commanded to do a
+Protestant, is to whip and torment them until they confess themselves in
+the Romish faith; and then cut their throats that they may die
+believers.
+
+_Tom._ What business do you follow after at present?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I am a mountain sailor and my supplication is
+as follows--
+
+
+    PADDY'S HUMBLE PETITION, OR SUPPLICATION.
+
+Good Christian people, behold me a man! who has com'd through a world of
+wonders, a hell full of hardships, dangers by sea, and dangers by land,
+and yet I am alive; you may see my hand crooked like a fowl's foot, and
+that is no wonder at all considering my sufferings and sorrows. Oh! oh!
+oh! good people. I was a man in my time who had plenty of the gold,
+plenty of the silver, plenty of the clothes, plenty of the butter, the
+beer, beef, and biscuit. And now I have nothing: being taken by the
+Turks and relieved by the Spaniards, lay sixty-six days at the siege of
+Gibraltar, and got nothing to eat but sea wreck and raw mussels; put to
+sea for our safety, cast upon the Barbarian coast, among the wicked
+Algerines, where we were taken and tied with tugs and tadders, horse
+locks, and cow chains: then cut and castcate yard and testicle quite
+away, put in your hand and feel how every female's made smooth by the
+sheer bone, where nothing is to be seen but what is natural. Then made
+our escape to the desart wild wilderness of Arabia; where we lived among
+the wild asses, upon wind, sand, and sapless ling. Afterwards put to sea
+in the hull of an old house, where we were tossed above and below the
+clouds, being driven through thickets and groves by fierce, coarse,
+calm, and contrary winds: at last, was cast upon Salisbury plains, where
+our vessel was dashed to pieces against a cabbage stock. And now my
+humble petition to you, good Christian people, is for one hundred of
+your beef, one hundred of your butter, another of your cheese, a cask of
+your biscuit, a tun of your beer, a keg of your rum, with a pipe of your
+wine, a lump of your gold, a piece of your silver, a few of your
+half-pence or farthings, a waught of your butter milk, a pair of your
+old breeches, stockings, or shoes, even a chaw of tobacco for charity's
+sake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                DICK WHITTINGTON
+
+                        AND
+
+                     HIS CAT.
+
+
+In the reign of the famous King Edward the Third, there was a little boy
+called Dick Whittington, whose father and mother died when he was very
+young, so that he remembered nothing at all about them, and was left a
+dirty little fellow running about a country village. As poor Dick was
+not old enough to work, he was in a sorry plight. He got but little for
+his dinner, and sometimes nothing at all for his breakfast, for the
+people who lived in the village were very poor themselves, and could
+spare him little more than the parings of potatoes, and now and then a
+hard crust.
+
+For all this, Dick Whittington was a very sharp boy, and was always
+listening to what every one talked about.
+
+On Sundays he never failed to get near the farmers, as they sat talking
+on the tombstones in the churchyard before the parson was come; and once
+a week you might be sure to see little Dick leaning against the
+sign-post of the village ale-house, where people stopped to drink as
+they came from the next market town; and whenever the barber's shopdoor
+was open Dick listened to all the news he told his customers.
+
+In this manner Dick heard of the great city called London; how the
+people who lived there were all fine gentlemen and ladies; that there
+were singing and music in it all day long; and that the streets were
+paved all over with gold.
+
+One day a waggoner, with a large waggon and eight horses, all with bells
+at their heads, drove through the village while Dick was lounging near
+his favourite sign-post. The thought immediately struck him that it must
+be going to the fine town of London; and taking courage he asked the
+waggoner to let him walk with him by the side of the waggon. The man,
+hearing from poor Dick that he had no parents, and seeing by his ragged
+condition that he could not be worse off, told him he might go if he
+would; so they set off together.
+
+Dick got safe to London; and so eager was he to see the fine streets,
+paved all over with gold that he ran as fast as his legs would carry him
+through several streets, expecting every moment to come to those that
+were all paved with gold, for Dick had three times seen a guinea in his
+own village, and observed what a great deal of money it brought in
+change; so he imagined he had only to take up some little bits of the
+pavement to have as much money as he desired.
+
+Poor Dick ran till he was tired, and at last, finding it grow dark, and
+that whichever way he turned he saw nothing but dirt instead of gold, he
+sat down in a dark corner and cried himself asleep.
+
+Little Dick remained all night in the streets; and next morning, finding
+himself very hungry, he got up and walked about, asking those he met to
+give him a halfpenny to keep him from starving; but nobody stayed to
+answer him, and only two or three gave him anything, so that the poor
+boy was soon in the most miserable condition. Being almost starved to
+death, he laid himself down at the door of one Mr. Fitzwarren, a great
+rich merchant. Here he was soon perceived by the cook-maid, who was an
+ill-tempered creature, and happened just then to be very busy dressing
+dinner for her master and mistress; so, seeing poor Dick, she called
+out, "What business have you there, you lazy rogue? There is nothing
+else but beggars; if you do not take yourself away, we will see how you
+will like a sousing of some dish water I have here that is hot enough to
+make you caper."
+
+Just at this time Mr. Fitzwarren himself came home from the city to
+dinner, and, seeing a dirty, ragged boy lying at the door, said to him,
+"Why do you lie there, my lad? You seem old enough to work. I fear you
+must be somewhat idle." "No, indeed, sir," says Whittington, "that is
+not true, for I would work with all my heart, but I know nobody, and I
+believe I am very sick for want of food."
+
+"Poor fellow!" answered Mr. Fitzwarren.
+
+Dick now tried to rise, but was obliged to lie down again, being too
+weak to stand, for he had not eaten anything for three days, and was no
+longer able to run about and beg a halfpenny of people in the streets;
+so the kind merchant ordered that he should be taken into his house, and
+have a good dinner immediately, and that he should be kept to do what
+dirty work he was able for the cook.
+
+Little Dick would have lived very happily in this worthy family had it
+not been for the crabbed cook, who was finding fault and scolding him
+from morning till night, and was withal so fond of roasting and basting
+that, when the spit was out of her hands, she would be at basting poor
+Dick's head and shoulders with a broom, or anything else that happened
+to fall in her way, till at last her ill-usage of him was told to Miss
+Alice, Mr. Fitzwarren's daughter, who asked the ill-tempered creature if
+she was not ashamed to use a little friendless boy so cruelly; and added
+she would certainly be turned away if she did not treat him with more
+kindness.
+
+But though the cook was so ill-tempered, Mr. Fitzwarren's footman was
+quite the contrary. He had lived in the family many years, was rather
+elderly, and had once a little boy of his own, who died when about the
+age of Whittington, so he could not but feel compassion for the poor
+boy.
+
+As the footman was very fond of reading, he used generally in the
+evening to entertain his fellow-servants, when they had done their work,
+with some amusing book. The pleasure our little hero took in hearing him
+made him very much desire to learn to read too; so the next time the
+good-natured footman gave him a halfpenny, he bought a hornbook with it;
+and, with a little of his help, Dick soon learned his letters, and
+afterwards to read.
+
+About this time Miss Alice was going out one morning for a walk, and the
+footman happening to be out of the way, little Dick, who had received
+from Mr. Fitzwarren a neat suit of clothes to go to church on Sundays,
+was ordered to put them on, and walk behind her. As they walked along,
+Miss Alice, seeing a poor woman with one child in her arms and another
+at her back, pulled out her purse, and gave her some money; and, as she
+was putting it again into her pocket, she dropped it on the ground, and
+walked on. Luckily Dick, who was behind, saw what she had done, picked
+it up, and immediately presented it to her.
+
+Besides the ill-humour of the cook, which now, however, was somewhat
+mended, Whittington had another hardship to get over. This was, that his
+bed, which was of flock, was placed in a garret, where there were so
+many holes in the floor and walls that he never went to bed without
+being awakened in his sleep by great numbers of rats and mice, which
+generally ran over his face, and made such a noise that he sometimes
+thought the walls were tumbling down about him.
+
+One day a gentleman who paid a visit to Mr. Fitzwarren happened to have
+dirtied his shoes, and begged they might be cleaned. Dick took great
+pains to make them shine, and the gentleman gave him a penny. This he
+resolved to lay out in buying a cat, if possible; and the next day,
+seeing a little girl with a cat under her arm, he went up to her, and
+asked if she would let him have it for a penny, to which the girl
+replied she would with all her heart, for her mother had more cats than
+she could maintain, adding that the one she had was an excellent mouser.
+
+This cat Whittington hid in the garret, always taking care to carry her
+a part of his dinner; and in a short time he had no further disturbance
+from the rats and mice, but slept as sound as a top.
+
+Soon after this the merchant, who had a ship ready to sail, richly
+laden, and thinking it but just that all his servants should have some
+chance for good luck as well as himself, called them into the parlour,
+and asked them what commodity they chose to send.
+
+All mentioned something they were willing to venture but poor
+Whittington, who, having no money nor goods, could send nothing at all,
+for which reason he did not come in with the rest; but Miss Alice,
+guessing what was the matter, ordered him to be called, and offered to
+lay down some money for him from her own purse; but this, the merchant
+observed, would not do, for it must be something of his own.
+
+Upon this, poor Dick said he had nothing but a cat, which he bought for
+a penny that was given him.
+
+"Fetch thy cat, boy," says Mr. Fitzwarren, "and let her go."
+
+Whittington brought poor puss, and delivered her to the captain with
+tears in his eyes, for he said, "He should now again be kept awake all
+night by the rats and mice."
+
+All the company laughed at the oddity of Whittington's adventure; and
+Miss Alice, who felt the greatest pity for the poor boy, gave him some
+half-pence to buy another cat.
+
+This, and several other marks of kindness shown him by Miss Alice, made
+the ill-tempered cook so jealous of the favours the poor boy received
+that she began to use him more cruelly than ever, and constantly made
+game of him for sending his cat to sea, asking him if he thought it
+would sell for as much money as would buy a halter.
+
+At last the unhappy little fellow, being unable to bear this treatment
+any longer, determined to run away from his place. He accordingly packed
+up the few things that belonged to him, and set out very early in the
+morning on Allhallow Day, which is the first of November. He travelled
+as far as Holloway, and there sat down on a stone, which to this day is
+called Whittington's Stone, and began to consider what course he should
+take.
+
+While he was thus thinking what he could do, Bow Bells, of which there
+were then only six, began to ring, and it seemed to him that their
+sounds addressed him in this manner--
+
+    "Turn again, Whittington,
+    Lord Mayor of London."
+
+"Lord Mayor of London!" says he to himself. "Why, to be sure, I would
+bear anything to be Lord Mayor of London, and ride in a fine coach!
+Well, I will go back, and think nothing of all the cuffing and scolding
+of old Cicely if I am at last to be Lord Mayor of London."
+
+So back went Dick, and got into the house, and set about his business
+before Cicely came down stairs.
+
+The ship, with the cat on board, was long beaten about at sea, and was
+at last driven by contrary winds on a part of the coast of Barbary,
+inhabited by Moors that were unknown to the English.
+
+The natives in this country came in great numbers, out of curiosity, to
+see the people on board, who were all of so different a colour from
+themselves, and treated them with great civility, and, as they became
+better acquainted, showed marks of eagerness to purchase the fine things
+with which the ship was laden.
+
+The captain, seeing this, sent patterns of the choicest articles he had
+to the king of the country, who was so much pleased with them that he
+sent for the captain and his chief mate to the palace. Here they were
+placed, as is the custom of the country, on rich carpets flowered with
+gold and silver; and, the king and queen being seated at the upper end
+of the room, dinner was brought in, which consisted of the greatest
+rarities. No sooner, however, were the dishes set before the company
+than an amazing number of rats and mice rushed in, and helped themselves
+plentifully from every dish, scattering pieces of flesh and gravy all
+about the room.
+
+The captain, extremely astonished, asked if these vermin were not very
+offensive.
+
+"Oh, yes," said they, "very offensive; and the king would give half his
+treasure to be free of them, for they not only destroy his dinner, but
+they disturb him even in his chamber, so that he is obliged to be
+watched while he sleeps."
+
+The captain, who was ready to jump for joy, remembering poor
+Whittington's hard case, and the cat he had entrusted to his care, told
+him he had a creature on board his ship that would kill them all.
+
+The king was still more overjoyed than the captain. "Bring this creature
+to me," says he; "and if she can really perform what you say I will load
+your ship with wedges of gold in exchange for her."
+
+Away flew the captain, while another dinner was providing, to the ship,
+and, taking puss under his arm, returned to the palace in time to see
+the table covered with rats and mice, and the second dinner in a fair
+way to meet with the same fate as the first.
+
+The cat, at sight of them, did not wait for bidding, but sprang from the
+captain's arms, and in a few moments laid the greatest part of the rats
+and mice dead at her feet, while the rest, in the greatest fright
+imaginable, scampered away to their holes.
+
+The king, having seen and considered of the wonderful exploits of Mrs.
+Puss, and being informed she would soon have young ones, which might in
+time destroy all the rats and mice in the country, bargained with the
+captain for his whole ship's cargo, and afterwards agreed to give a
+prodigious quantity of wedges of gold, of still greater value, for the
+cat, with which, after taking leave of their Majesties, and other great
+personages belonging to the court, he, with all his ship's company, set
+sail, with a fair wind, for England, and, after a happy voyage, arrived
+safely in the port of London.
+
+One morning Mr. Fitzwarren had just entered his counting-house, and was
+going to seat himself at the desk, when who should arrive but the
+captain and mate of the merchant ship, the Unicorn, just arrived from
+the coast of Barbary, and followed by several men, bringing with them a
+prodigious quantity of wedges of gold that had been paid by the King of
+Barbary in exchange for the merchandise, and also in exchange for Mrs.
+Puss. Mr. Fitzwarren, the instant he heard the news, ordered Whittington
+to be called, and, having desired him to be seated, said, "Mr.
+Whittington, most heartily do I rejoice in the news these gentlemen have
+brought you, for the captain has sold your cat to the King of Barbary,
+and brought you in return more riches than I possess in the whole world;
+and may you long enjoy them!"
+
+Mr. Fitzwarren then desired the men to open the immense treasures they
+had brought, and added that Mr. Whittington had now nothing to do but to
+put it in some place of safety.
+
+Poor Dick could scarce contain himself for joy. He begged his master to
+take what part of it he pleased, since to his kindness he was indebted
+for the whole. "No, no, this wealth is all your own, and justly so,"
+answered Mr. Fitzwarren; "and I have no doubt you will use it
+generously."
+
+Whittington, however, was too kind-hearted to keep all himself; and
+accordingly made a handsome present to the captain, the mate, and every
+one of the ship's company, and afterwards to his excellent friend the
+footman, and the rest of Mr. Fitzwarren's servants, not even excepting
+crabbed old Cicely.
+
+After this, Mr. Fitzwarren advised him to send for trades people, and
+get himself dressed as became a gentleman, and made him the offer of his
+house to live in till he could provide himself with a better.
+
+When Mr. Whittington's face was washed, his hair curled, his hat
+cocked, and he was dressed in a fashionable suit of clothes, he appeared
+as handsome and genteel as any young man who visited at Mr.
+Fitzwarren's; so that Miss Alice, who had formerly thought of him with
+compassion, now considered him as fit to be her lover; and the more so,
+no doubt, because Mr. Whittington was constantly thinking what he could
+do to oblige her, and making her the prettiest presents imaginable.
+
+Mr. Fitzwarren, perceiving their affection for each other, proposed to
+unite them in marriage, to which, without difficulty, they each
+consented; and accordingly a day for the wedding was soon fixed, and
+they were attended to church by the lord mayor, the court of aldermen,
+the sheriffs, and a great number of the wealthiest merchants in London;
+and the ceremony was succeeded by a most elegant entertainment and
+splendid ball.
+
+History tells us that the said Mr. Whittington and his lady lived in
+great splendour, and were very happy; that they had several children;
+that he was sheriff of London in the year 1340, and several times
+afterwards lord mayor; that in the last year of his mayoralty he
+entertained King Henry the Fifth on his return from the battle of
+Agincourt. And sometime afterwards, going with an address from the city
+on one of his Majesty's victories, he received the honour of knighthood.
+
+Sir Richard Whittington constantly fed great numbers of the poor. He
+built a church and college to it, with a yearly allowance to poor
+scholars, and near it erected an hospital.
+
+The effigy of Sir Richard Whittington was to be seen, with his cat in
+his arms, carved in stone, over the archway of the late prison of
+Newgate that went across Newgate Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                     MAD PRANKS
+
+                         OF
+
+                     TOM TRAM,
+
+                    SON IN LAW
+
+                         TO
+
+                  MOTHER WINTER.
+
+                TO WHICH ARE ADDED
+
+                 HIS MERRY JESTS
+
+                        AND
+
+                 PLEASANT TALES.
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _A merry Jest betwixt old Mother Winter and her
+                    Son-in-Law Tom._
+
+
+There was an old woman named Mother Winter that had but one son-in-law,
+and his name was Tom; and though he was at man's estate, yet would do
+nothing but what he listed, which grieved his old mother to the heart.
+Upon a time being in the market, she heard a proclamation, "That those
+that would not work should be whipped." At which the old woman leapt,
+and with great joy home she comes meets with her son, and tells him the
+mayor of the town had made a decree, which was, "That all those that
+would not work should be whipped." "Has he so," says he, "marry, my
+blessing on his heart; for my part, I'll not break the decree." So the
+old woman left her son, and went again to the market; she was no sooner
+gone but her son looks into the stone pots, which she kept small beer
+in; and when he saw that the beer did not work, he takes the pot, strips
+off his doublet, and with a carter's whip he lays on them as hard as he
+could drive. The people who saw him do it, told his mother what he had
+done; which made the old woman cry out, "O! that young knave will be
+hanged." So in that tone home she goes. Her son seeing her, came running
+and foaming at the mouth to meet her, and told her, that he had broke
+both the pots; which made the old woman to say, "O thou villain! what
+hast thou done?" "O mother," quoth he, "you told me it was proclaimed,
+'That all those that would not work must be whipped'; and I have often
+seen our pots work so hard, that they have foamed so much at the mouth,
+that they befouled all the house where they stood; but these two lazy
+knaves," said he, "told me, that they did never work, nor never meant to
+work; and therefore," quoth he, "I have whipped them to death, to teach
+the rest of their fellows to work, or never look me in the face again."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Another Jest of old Mother Winter and her Son Tom._
+
+
+Upon a time Mother Winter sent her son Tom into the market to buy her a
+penny-worth of soap, and gave him twelvepence, and charged him to bring
+it home safe. Tom told her it should be so; and to that end it should be
+safe brought home, according to his mother's charge, he goes and buys a
+penny-worth of soap, and hired two men with a hand-barrow to carry the
+soap, and four men with brown bills to guard it along to her, giving
+them the elevenpence for their pains, which made his mother in great
+fury go to the mayor of the town, who committed him to prison. Now, the
+prison window joining close to the mayor's chamber window, Tom and some
+other merry prisoners like himself, getting a cup of good liquor in
+their heads, began to sing and roar and domineer, insomuch that the
+mayor heard them that night, and charged them they should leave off
+drinking and singing of loose songs, and sing good psalms. Tom told him
+that he should hear that he would amend his life if he would pardon his
+fault. The mayor said that for their misdemeanours, they should be that
+night in prison, and upon amendment, being neighbours, he would release
+them in the morning. They thanked the mayor, and Tom Tram prevailed so
+far with a friend of his that he borrowed three shillings; which three
+shillings he spent upon his fellow-prisoners, which made the poor men be
+ruled by him, and do what he enjoined them to do; so when the mayor was
+gone to bed, the prison window as before observed, being close to the
+chamber-window, they began to sing psalms so loud that the mayor could
+take no rest, which made him cause one of his servants forbid them leave
+off singing. Tom Tram said that it was the mayor's good counsel that
+they should sing psalms, and sing they would, as long as they lived
+three. Which made the mayor bid the jailer turn them out of prison,
+without paying their fees.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Tom served his Hostess and a Tobacco Seller--being
+                     another of his Jests._
+
+
+It happened that Tom was sent on an errand forty miles from his abode,
+over heaths and plains, where having dispatched his business, he chanced
+to be lodged in a room that opened into a yard, where his hostess kept
+many turkeys, which Tom seeing he thrusts pins into two of their heads
+and in the night they died. The woman in the morning wondered how the
+fowls should come to die. Tom persuaded her that there was a great
+sickness where he dwelt amongst all manner of fowls, and wished his
+hostess to fling them away, which she did. Tom watched where she flung
+them, and when he took his leave of his hostess, it was at such a time
+when she was busy setting bread into the oven, so that he was sure she
+could not look after him. So he goes and wraps the turkeys in his coat,
+and away he runs; but finding his two turkeys heavy, he sees a man that
+sold tobacco up and down the country at the foot of a hill, when he
+alighted to lead his horse down the hill, at the bottom of which he
+falls down, and lies crying as if he had broken one of his legs, and
+makes to the man a most piteous lamentation; that he was six or seven
+miles from any town, there being no house near; and that he was like to
+perish for want of succour. The man asked where he dwelt. He said with a
+knight, to whom Tom did live as a jester. The man knowing the knight,
+and thinking Tom's leg had really been broken, with much ado lifted him
+upon the horse. When Tom was mounted, he prayed the man to give him his
+master's turkeys. Tom made the horse to gallop away, crying out, "I
+shall be killed! I shall be killed! O my leg! What shall I do! O my
+leg!" The man seeing him gone, stood in amaze, and knew not what to
+think; nevertheless, he durst not leave his turkeys behind him, for fear
+of displeasing the knight, but carried them lugging along fretting and
+swearing in his boots, till he came to the next town, where he hired a
+horse to overtake Tom, but could not, until he came to the knight's
+house, where Tom stood to attend his coming, looking out at the window.
+When the man alighted, Tom then called to him so loud, that most of the
+house heard him. "O," said he, "now I see thou art an honest man, I had
+thought you had set me, upon your headstrong horse, on purpose to
+deceive me of my turkeys." The man replied, "A pox take you and your
+turkeys, for I never was played the knave with so in my life; I hope you
+will pay for the hire of the horse, which I was forced to borrow to
+follow you withal." "That I will," said Tom, "with all my heart."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Tom paid the Man for his Horse Hire._
+
+
+Tom asked the man what way he intended to travel. "Marry," said the man,
+"I must go back with the horse I have hired." Quoth Tom, "What did you
+give for the hire of him?" Said the man, "I gave five shillings."
+"Well," said Tom, "I will set you to the next public-house, and then we
+will eat one of the turkeys, and I will bring you in good silver the
+five shillings for the horse hire." The place appointed being two miles
+off, Tom appoints three or four of his companions to meet him, who did
+not fail, for they were there before Tom and his friend, who came riding
+upon the horses--Tom upon the hired horse, and the man upon his own. Tom
+alighted, and called the hostler to set up his horse, and to give him
+oats enough, and caused a turkey to be roasted with all possible haste,
+which, according as he commanded, was performed. But Tom whispered to
+his consorts, and wished them to ply the man with drink; while he, in
+the meantime, went to the host and told him they came to be merry, and
+money was short with him and desired he would lend him ten shillings
+upon his horse. The host having so good a pawn, lent it him, knowing it
+would be spent in his house. So Tom went and gave the man five shillings
+for the hire of the horse, and spends the other five shillings freely
+upon him. By that time the day was pretty nigh spent, so that the man
+could get no further that night, but Tom and his companions took their
+leaves and returned home, and the man went his way to bed little
+suspecting the trick Tom had put upon him. In the morning the man rising
+betimes, thinking to be gone, could have but one horse unless he paid
+ten shillings, for Tom had left word with his host, that paying the
+money he should have both horses. The man seeing himself cozened again
+by Tom, paid the ten shillings, and wished all such cheating knaves were
+hanged, away he went fretting and foaming to see himself abused.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _How Tom served a Company of Gentlemen._
+
+
+It happened that a company of gentlemen being disposed to create mirth,
+rode some miles from home to be merry. One of them would need have Tom
+to wait upon him, and Tom was as willing as he to be in that company,
+but as they were coming home, one of them cut the reins of Tom's bridle,
+so that when Tom mounted on his horse the reins broke, and the horse ran
+away with him in the midst of a great heath whereon stood a large
+gallows against which the horse stood, and rubbed his neck, so that the
+gentleman hooped and hallooed, and said, "Farewell, Tom, farewell." But
+Tom alighted from his horse, and made fast his reins, and with his sword
+cut three or four chips from off the gallows; and at the next tavern Tom
+met with them, where they jeer'd him not a little; but Tom very
+earnestly entreated them to forbear, yet the more he entreated them, the
+more they played upon him. But to be even with them, in the morning Tom
+calls the hostler, and sends him for nutmegs and ginger, and gets a
+grater, and when he had grated them he also grated the chips off the
+gallows, and mixed with the spice only a little nutmeg and ginger, he
+laid towards one end of the trencher for himself, and with a gallon of
+ale into the gentleman's chamber he goes, begging of them not to mock
+him any more with the gallows; and he would give them that ale and
+spice; and so, says he, "Gentlemen, I drink to you all." Now, as soon as
+he had drank, the hostler called him, as he gave him charge before so to
+do. Down stairs runs Tom as fast as he could. The gentlemen made all
+possible speed to drink up the ale and spice before he came up again,
+and that was what Tom desired. When he came again, seeing all the ale
+and spice gone, he says, "Gentlemen, will you know why my horse carried
+me to the gallows?" "Yes," says one of them. "Well," says Tom, "it was
+to fetch you some spice to your ale, and if you want, I have more for
+you:" and with that showed them the chips out of his pocket, and away he
+runs, leaving the gentlemen to look one upon another, studying how they
+should be revenged on him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How Tom rode a-Gossiping._
+
+
+Tom heard a company of women that would meet at the place a
+house-warming, to welcome one of the house. These women had formerly
+abused Tom, and now he thought to be even with them, so he goes to an
+apothecary's shop, buys a pound of purging comfits, and puts them in a
+cake with other spices, and dresses himself in women's apparel, and gets
+a horse and a pannel, and to the house he comes, knocks at the door, and
+asked the maid, whether there were any women come a house-warming? The
+maid said, "Not yet." "I pray," says Tom, "take this cake, and if I come
+not at the meeting, let them eat it and be merry, for I must go to a
+woman that is exceedingly unwell," and away he goes. The women came, and
+wondered what woman it should be that left the cake. Some of them
+supposed that it was some rich lady. They stayed a while and the person
+they expected to be with them not coming, they fell to their meat, and
+at last to the cake. But it was not long in their stomach before it
+began to work, so that all began vomiting, and were so sick, that they
+disordered the house. In which time Tom shifts himself into man's
+apparel, and with a staff in his hand came where his gossips were, and
+hearing them groaning all the house over, opened the door and asked them
+what was the matter? They answered they were all poisoned. "Marry,"
+quoth Tom, "I hope not; if you please to let me have a horse, I will
+ride to Mr. Doctor's and fetch an antidote to deaden the poison." "Take
+my horse," quoth one; "Take my horse," said another; "Or mine," said a
+third. "Well, well," said Tom, "I will take one." And into the stable he
+goes and takes three horses, and to the doctor's he rides, and told him
+that all the people in such a house had eaten something that had
+poisoned them; and prayed him that he would, without delay, carry them
+some medicines, and that they had sent a horse for him and another for
+his man. The doctor, greedy of money, hastened thither with his medicine
+bottles as fast as the horses could carry him and his man. But the
+doctor no sooner came into the house, but he saw there was no need of
+medicines. In the meantime Tom told not only all he met with, that there
+were such women met to be merry at such a place; and not only they, but
+all the women of the house were poisoned, but went likewise to their
+husbands, and told them the like, so that all the people thereabouts
+repaired thither, which made the women so ashamed that they knew not
+which way to look, because all that saw them judged they were drunk; so
+that instead of comforting them which they expected, they fell a
+reviling them. The women also fell to scolding among themselves, and
+would have fought, had not their husbands parted them, by carrying them
+home.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Tom, served a Company of Gypsies._
+
+
+It happened on a day, towards night, that there came a company of
+gypsies into a town, and had not very long been there till Tom met them,
+and asked them, "What they made there?" They said they came to town to
+tell the people their fortunes, that thereby they might understand
+ensuing dangers. "Aye," says Tom, "and where do you lie to-night?" They
+told him they could not tell. "Nay," said Tom, "if you will be contented
+to lie in straw, I will bring you where you may lie dry and warm." They
+thanked him, and told him they would tell him his fortune in the morning
+for nothing. Tom thanked them, and therefore conveys them into a little
+thatched house which had a ditch round about it, very close to the wall
+thereof. That house Tom helped them to fill with straw, and saw them
+take their lodging; and then, it being dark, Tom bade them good-night,
+and as soon as he was over the bridge, which was a plank, he drew it
+after him; and in the dead time of the night Tom gets a long pole, with
+a wasp of straw at the end of it, and sets the straw on fire, calling
+out to the rest of the fellows to shift for themselves; who, thinking to
+run over the bridge, fell into the ditch, crying and calling out for
+help, while, by Tom's means, most part of the town stood to see the
+jest; and as the gypsies waded through the ditch, they took them and
+carried them into a house, where there was a good fire, for it was in
+the midst of winter; where Tom counsels them that they should never make
+him believe that they could tell him anything, that did not know what
+danger should befall themselves. "But," says he, "because you cannot
+tell me my fortune, I will tell you yours. For to-morrow in the forenoon
+you shall be whipped for deceivers, and in the afternoon be hanged for
+setting the house on fire." The gypsies hearing this so strict sentence,
+made haste to dry themselves, and next morning stole out of town, and
+never came any more there.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Tom sold his Mother's Trevot, and cozened an
+          Acqua Vitæ Man that sold Hot Water._
+
+
+In a winter night, coming home very late, Tom Tram fell with his arms
+before him, and at the last run his nose against a post. "What," quoth
+Tom, "is my nose longer than my arms?" And afterwards he dropped into a
+well that was in the yard, and crying out, "Help, help." All is not well
+that is in the well. The neighbours came and pulled him out, and he
+dropped like a pig that had been roasted on a spit; but he was then in a
+cold condition, so he went to bed, and covered himself, but before
+morning Tom became unwell; and when some had discovered this, he told
+them that if he died of that sickness he should be buried by torchlight,
+because none should see him go to his grave. Just as he had said, in
+came a hot water man, of whom he requested to give him a sup, which
+having tasted, he feigned himself to be in a hot fever, and rose up in
+his clothes, ran away with the acqua vitæ man's bottle of hot water,
+and took his mother's trevot, and sold it for a long hawking pole, and a
+falconer's bag, which being tied to his side, and having drank up the
+poor man's hot water, he came reeling home with an owl upon his fist,
+saying, "It is gentlemanlike to be betwixt hawk and buzzard;" and he
+told the acqua vitæ man that he had sent the trevot, with three legs, to
+the next town to fill you bottles again.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How he Hired himself to the Justice, and what Pranks
+                  he played while with him._
+
+
+The justice at this time being without a man, and finding Tom to be a
+lively fellow, asked him if he would serve him. "Yes," quoth Tom, "for I
+am a great many miles from the country." As soon as they had agreed for
+wages, Tom was immediately entertained. But he had not lived long there
+before the justice and his family were obliged to go to London, leaving
+nobody at home but Tom. Now in the justice's absence, an officer brought
+a lusty young woman and a little man with a complaint. So they knocked
+at the door, and Tom let them in; then placing himself in his master's
+chair, he asked the woman what she had to say, who told him that the man
+whom she had brought before him ill-used her. "Adzooks," quoth Tom, "is
+it possible that such a little fellow as this could ill-use such a
+strapping dame as you." "Alas! sir," said she, "although he is little he
+is strong." "Well, little whipper-snapper," quoth Tom, "what do you say
+to this." He replied, "Like your worship it is false what she says. The
+truth is, I have been at sea, and coming ashore, where I received my
+pay, I met with this woman, and agreed with her for a pair of shoes for
+half a crown, and when they were put on, I pulled out my purse to pay
+her honestly what I had agreed for; but she seeing that I had a
+considerable sum of money, contrary to our bargain, would force me to
+give her ten shillings, and because I would not, but struck her as she
+deserved, she has brought me before your worship." "Have you got that
+purse of money?" quoth Tom. "Yes, sir," said the seaman. "Give it into
+my hand," said Tom. He receives it, and turning to the woman, said,
+"Here take it and get about your business." She replied, "I thank your
+worship, you are an honest good man, and have done me justice." The
+little seaman the meanwhile wrung his hands and bitterly cried out, "I
+am ruined, for it is every penny I had in the world." "Well," quoth Tom,
+"haste after her, and take it from her again." According to Tom's order
+he runs after her, and when he came after her, he said, "I must, and
+will have my purse again." Then she fell about his ears and cuffed him.
+Nay, this did not satisfy her, but she dragged him back again to Tom,
+who sat as justice, and told him that the fellow followed her for the
+purse, which he in justice gave her. "Well," said Tom, "and has he got
+it?" "No," said she, "I think not; before he should take it from me, I'd
+tear out both his eyes." "Let me see it again," says Tom. She gives it
+to him. "Is all the money in it?" quoth he. "Yes, sir," said she, "every
+penny." "Why then," said he, "here little whipper-snapper, take your
+purse again; and as for you Mrs. Impudence, had you kept your word as
+well as you did the money, I never had been troubled with this
+complaint. Here, Mr. Constable, give her a hundred lashes at the town's
+whipping post." Which was accordingly done, and Tom was applauded for
+his just proceedings.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Tom used a Singing Man of a Cathedral Church
+                      in the West._
+
+
+Once there was a cathedral singing man that had very much angered Tom,
+and had made songs and jests upon him, whereupon Tom got on his back an
+ox-hide, with the horns set upon his head, and so lay in a hedge bottom,
+waiting till the singing man came by, who he was sure must pass that
+way. At last name the singing man. Up started Tom out of the hedge
+bottom in his ox-hide, and followed him, the singing man cried out, "The
+devil! the devil!" "No," quoth Tom, "I am the ghost of goodman Johnson,
+living hard by the Church stile, unto whose house ye came and sung
+catches, and owes me five pounds for ale, therefore appoint me a day
+when ye will bring me my money hither, or else I will haunt thee still."
+The singing man promised that day se'enight, and accordingly he did; and
+Tom made himself brave clothes with the money, and sweethearts came
+about him as bees do about a honey pot. But Tom wore a rope in his
+pocket, and being asked if he would marry, he would pull it out, and
+laugh, saying, "I have broken my shins already, and will be wiser
+hereafter; for I am an old colt, and now may have as much wit as a
+horse."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Of Tom Tram's wooing Cicily Summers, the neat Wench
+                         of the West._
+
+
+Cicily Summers, whose nose was then as fair as the midnight sun, which
+shined as bright as Baconthine, was beloved of young Tom Tram; and a sad
+story to tell, he grew not worth the bread he ate, through pining away
+for her love. Tom was loath to speak but still whistled. At last, when
+Cicily made no answer, he burst out in thus:--"O Cicily Summers, if I
+Tom Tram, son of Mother Winter, and thou Cicily Summers be joined
+together what a quarter shall we keep, as big as three half years;
+besides Cicily Summers when thou scoldest, then Winter shall presently
+cool thy temper; and when we walk on the street they'll say yonder goes
+Summer and Winter; and our children, we shall call a generation of
+almanacks. So they went to the parson and were married; but they fell
+out so extremely that they scolded all the summer season; and Tom drank
+good ale, and told old tales all the winter time, and so they could
+never but thrive all the year through. Tom lived by good ale, and his
+wife by eating oat-meal; and when Tom went to be drunk in the morning,
+she put oat-meal in the ale, and made caudle with mustard instead of
+eggs, which bit Tom so by the nose, that it would run water; but the
+next day he would be drunk again."
+
+
+
+
+                     TOM TRAM'S
+
+                    MERRY TALES.
+
+    TALE I.
+
+    _Of a Scholar and a Tapster on a Winter Night._
+
+
+The tapster said, "Sir, will you go to bed." "No," quoth the scholar,
+"There are thieves abroad, and would not willingly be caught napping."
+So the tapster left him, and being gone, in came a spirit into the
+chamber, with his head under his arm so that he durst not stir, but
+cried out, "Help! help! fire! thieves! thieves!" "Oh," quoth he, "the
+devil was here and spoke to me with his head under his arm; but now I
+will go to bed, and if he comes again I will send him to the tapster, to
+help him to make false reckonings. It being a cold night," quoth he, "I
+will first put fire to toe, that is, I will warm my toes by the fire,
+then I'll go to bed." And so he did, and a great reckoning put the
+scholar out of his jest saying, "That was in earnest made too large a
+reckoning," he being but poor Sir John, of Oxford.
+
+
+    TALE II.
+
+Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a great nose; so
+a country man by him with a sack of corn, jostled him, saying, "Your
+nose stands in my way," whereupon the other fellow with the great nose,
+took his nose in his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, "A pox
+on thee, go and be hanged."
+
+
+    TALE III.
+
+Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country fellow on the
+highway, and would needs tell Tom his fortune. Amongst other things,
+they bade him assure himself that his worst misfortunes were past, and
+that he would not be troubled with crosses as he had been. So coming
+home, and having sold the cow at the market, he looked into his purse
+for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he found not so
+much as one cross in his purse; whereupon he remembered the words of the
+gypsies, and said that the gypsies had said true that he should not be
+troubled with crosses, and that they had picked his pocket, and left not
+a penny in his purse. Whereupon his wife basted and cudgelled him so
+soundly, that he began to perceive that a man that had a cursed wife
+should never be without a cross, though he had never a penny in his
+purse; and because it was winter-time, he sat a while by the fireside,
+and after went to bed supperless and penniless.
+
+
+    TALE IV.
+
+A farmer's wife in the west had three pigs, which she loved exceedingly
+well, and fed them with good butter milk and whey; but they would come
+running into the house and dirtied the rooms. Whereupon she resolved to
+sell them at the market, because they were better fed than taught, but
+afterwards they were stolen away from her; whereupon she supposed they
+were driven up to London to learn manners; "But," said she, "they were
+too old to learn to turn the spit in Bartholemew fair," and therefore
+believed some butchers had stolen them away.
+
+Her cock had a piece of cloth sewn about him, and was left upon the
+porch, but afterwards stolen; whereupon she said, that her cock was
+turned scholar in a black gown, and so she went to Oxford to a conjurer,
+to know what was become of her pigs and her cock. The scholar smiled,
+and told her the three pigs were blown home, and the cock was made a
+bachelor of arts in one of the colleges. "I thought so," said the woman,
+"for sure bachelors of arts are very coxcombs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                          A
+
+                    YORK DIALOGUE
+
+                       BETWEEN
+
+                     NED AND HARRY:
+
+                          OR
+
+    Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship
+                 and Marriage State.
+
+
+_Ned._--Honest Harry, I am glad to see you. You're welcome to York.
+You're a great stranger. When came you to town?
+
+_Harry._--I came to your town last night, Ned, and am glad to see you. I
+inquired after you of my landlord, and he told me you was well, and had
+been married two or three years. I wish you much happiness; but how d'ye
+like matrimony?
+
+_Ned._--In good faith, Harry, scrubbing his shoulders, but so, so;
+however, I will not discourage you.
+
+_Harry._--But don't you remember, Ned, that you and I made an agreement
+that which of us two was married first, should tell one another of the
+way of courtship, and how he liked it and a married state.
+
+_Ned._--'Tis true we did so, Harry, but now I have not time to tell you,
+for it will take me more than two or three hours to give you a full
+account of both parts.
+
+_Harry._--What! are you in haste then, Ned? 'Tis a great while since I
+have seen you, and shan't we have one mug together?
+
+_Ned._--Faith, Harry, I'm loath to deny you; but if I go with you, I
+must send home to my wife, and let her know where I am.
+
+_Harry._--So you may Ned, and tell her you are with an old friend that
+would be glad to see her.
+
+_Ned._--Not a word of that, Harry, for if I go with you and stay any
+time, we shall have her company without sending for her.
+
+_Harry._--Say you so. Come then, let us go to Tom Swan's. Well, Ned, I
+am glad to see thee--ring the bell. Jenny, bring us a pint of your best
+ale. Come, Ned, sit down. And how long was it before you got your wife
+into the mind to marry; for if I speak to any of the female sex, they
+are so very coy, I can't tell what to make of them?
+
+_Ned._--That's very true. They are so, Harry, for when I spoke to my
+wife first, she was so very coy and huffish, and told me she did not
+know what I meant. She was not for marrying. She lived very well as she
+was, and if she should marry, she must then be confined to the humours
+of a husband.
+
+_Harry._--Well, but how then, Ned, tell me all.
+
+_Ned._--Faith I have not time now, Harry, for I must go home.
+
+_Harry._--Come, my service t'ye, Ned, I will have you be as good as your
+promise.
+
+_Ned._--Then if I must, I will stay a little longer and tell you. I told
+her I had as good a trade as any of my neighbours. Upon these words she
+was called away.
+
+_Harry._--How then, Ned?
+
+_Ned._--Faith I went home, but could not get her out of my mind. The
+next day I went again to see her, and took her by the hand, but she
+pulled it away with scorn, saying, "Pray don't banter me, for I know
+you men love to banter us silly women." Upon my faith, madam, said I, I
+am in good earnest, for a man of my trade must have both journeymen and
+prentices, therefore I cannot well be without a wife, and you are the
+only person I always thought would make me happy. Then I took her by the
+hand again, and with much ado got a kiss off her. "Pray be quiet," said
+she, "Goodness! what do you mean? you are so troublesome!" and looked
+very angry, and so left me.
+
+_Harry._--Very well, Ned, go on, this is vastly pleasant.
+
+_Ned._--That very kiss made me think of her, and love her more than ever
+I did, for after that kiss I was always wishing myself in her company,
+and was never at rest. The Sunday after, I saw her in the minster at
+prayers, and thought everything handsome and pretty about her--her face,
+her eyes, her mouth, her breast, her shape. I watched her coming out of
+the choir, and walked with her in the minster, and asked her if she
+would please to take a walk into the Groves, but she told me she was
+engaged. Believe me, Harry; I was so daft with that answer that my heart
+was fit to break with fear that she should love another better than
+myself. However, I went home with her. She told me she was engaged, and
+I need not trouble myself any further. Madam, said I, the first that
+ever I saw you, I was struck with the thought that you was the woman
+that was to make me a happy wife. "You men," said she, "say so to all
+women you meet with." "Truly, madam," said I, "what I say is really
+true, from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you will find it so." "You
+men always promise fair," said she, "before you are married, but when
+the job is over you seldom or never perform your promise." "Pray, try
+me, madam," said I, "for upon my word, you will find me always as good
+as I have said, by this kiss." "Fye," said she, "I swear I will never
+come into your company any more, if you will not let me stand quietly by
+you." Then I asked her again the favour to take a walk, for it was a
+fine evening, and would do her a great deal of good. She told me at
+last, she was to meet two or three of her acquaintances at seven o'clock
+in the Groves, just to take a turn or two and so come home again, so bid
+me good night.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I hope you went to the Groves to meet her, did you
+not?
+
+_Ned._--Yes, you may be assured I did, and within a quarter of an hour
+after I was there, my mistress came, but her friends were not with her,
+as good luck would have it.
+
+_Harry._--Were not you glad of that, Ned, though I dare swear, she knew
+of nobody to meet her at that time.
+
+_Ned._--Yes, faith, I was very glad of it; and when we had taken a turn
+or two, I asked her if she would go to the cheese-cake house, and with
+much ado I got her to consent to go.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, what discourse had you there?
+
+_Ned._--Why, faith, we were very merry. I called for some cheese-cakes,
+and a bottle of cider, and at last began to ask her about marrying me.
+She told me she heard I had a good trade, and did mind it now very well,
+but how I would mind it, if she should consent to marry me, was her
+fear. I told her she need never fear that, for marrying of her would be
+the only means to make me mind my business, if possible, more than I
+have done. I do assure you, Harry, that the servants which we call
+chamber-maids, stand as much upon their honour, as some of them will
+call it, in courting, as their mistress, nay, and more.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, I have observed that all along you have called her
+madam whenever you named her, but I hope it is not a custom here at
+York, to call your chamber-maids madam at every word.
+
+_Ned._--Yes, faith we do, and they themselves call one another so, for
+if there be five or six of them together at the parting with one
+another, you shall hear them take leave of one another with, "Madam,
+good-night to you," says one; "Madam, your servant," says another; "Pray
+my service to you know who"----'Tis very true, Harry.
+
+_Harry._--How could you ever expect Ned, that such an one would make you
+a good wife that minded nothing but her pride.
+
+_Ned._--Well, Harry, but you are mistaken, for some of them do make very
+good wives and are very good housewives too.
+
+_Harry._--How long were you a-courting her, before she gave consent to
+marry you?
+
+_Ned._--Why, about a year or more, and all that while I very little did
+mind myself for minding of her, for I was fain to watch her as a cat
+watcheth a mouse, for fear of a rival. At last I told her I hoped now
+she would consent to marry me, if not, to tell me so, for it was a great
+loss to me to lose my time so day after day. Upon these words she told
+me she thought I was in earnest, but she did not much like the house I
+lived in. I told her it was a very pretty house, and I should be glad to
+see her in it. Upon this she smiled and gave me her consent.
+
+_Harry._--Was you asked in the church, Ned, or had you a license?
+
+_Ned._--I went on purpose to ask her that question, and she told me she
+was a gentlewoman born, and did not care to be asked in the church, for,
+she said, there was nobody asked in the church but cook-maids and
+kitchen-maids, so it cost me about twenty shillings for a license. Well,
+married we were, and very merry were we that day.
+
+_Harry._--But now, Ned, in the second place, come tell me how you and
+your wife agree together, for I think it is said your York wives will be
+masters of their husbands in less than a year's time if possible they
+can. Well then, Ned, I do suppose it is with you as with most of your
+neighbours, your wife is the master?
+
+_Ned._--Faith, Harry, not much matter (scratching his head), but I doubt
+she'll come and find us together, and then there will be----
+
+_Harry._--What then, Ned, let her come, I have a mug or two at her
+service and shall be glad to see her.
+
+_Ned._--So shall not I, Harry.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, how can she be angry with you when she sees you with
+an old acquaintance you have not seen for two or three years?
+
+_Ned._--That's nothing.
+
+_Harry._--What, Ned, do not you agree then really, and has been married
+but three years. Suppose she should come, what would or could she say to
+you?
+
+_Ned._--Dear Harry, do not desire me to tell you, for if I would, and if
+you should happen to tell it again, and it should come to her ears that
+it was I told you, I might as well run my country as stay at home.
+
+_Harry._--Ned, my service to you, upon my honour, as the gentleman says,
+I will never say anything of it to anybody.
+
+_Ned._--Well then, Harry, if I be out at any time, as now with you, when
+I go home, as soon as I get within doors she'll begin with a pretty tone
+she has learned off her neighbours.
+
+"Oh! brave sir! You are a fine husband, you mind your business and shop,
+as you promised me before we were married: do you not, you drunken dog?
+you rogue, you rascal, where have you been these six hours (though it
+were but three), sirrah, give me account where you have been."
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, do you give her an account where you were, or what
+answer do you make her?
+
+_Ned._--All that I say to her is, "Pray, my dear, be not in such a
+passion, for I was with an old friend that I have not seen two or three
+years." "A pox on your old friend," says she, "and you too must go and
+fill your belly with good meat and drink, and I and my poor children
+starve at home, with only a little bread and cheese. A curse on the
+first day I saw you."
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, I hope your circumstances are not so low in the
+world, but that you can afford your wife pretty well to keep house with.
+
+_Ned._--Why, Harry, there's hardly a day but we have a joint of meat,
+either boiled or roasted, and I am sure she never wants for good bread,
+cheese, eggs, and butter.
+
+_Harry._--Pray, Ned, what does she do towards maintaining your house,
+does she endeavour any ways to get a penny? What portion had you with
+her?
+
+_Ned._--Harry, never marry a chamber-maid, for they bring nothing with
+them but a few old clothes of their mistresses, and for house-keeping,
+few of them know anything of it; for they can hardly make a pudding or a
+pie, neither can they spin, nor knit, nor wash, except it be a few laces
+to make themselves fine withal.
+
+_Harry._--What would she be at?
+
+_Ned_--Why always a-gossiping, there is such a company of them in our
+street that there's never a day but some or other of them meet together.
+
+_Harry._--Where do they meet?
+
+_Ned._--Where the best country ale is.
+
+_Harry._--What, do they make a sitting of it when they meet?
+
+_Ned._--A sitting of it; yes, yes, they will sit from three till ten at
+night, and drink like fishes, and talk against their husbands.
+
+_Harry._--What do you say when she comes home? Do you not ask her where
+she has been that she stayed so late?
+
+_Ned._--I dare not say one word to her, but am glad she will let me go
+to bed and sleep quietly.
+
+_Harry._--What becomes of your children those days; who looks after them
+all this while?
+
+_Ned._--Nobody but a silly maid she hired who can do nothing; I am fain
+as well as I can, to boil them their milk for their suppers and help to
+get them to bed.
+
+_Harry._--Does not she ask when she comes home how her children do, and
+who gave them their suppers and got them to bed?
+
+_Ned._--Never, never, Harry, but perhaps the next morning will get them
+up herself, and put them on, poor things, the same linen they had on
+three days before.
+
+_Harry._--How do you allow your wife? do you allow her so much a week?
+how gets she the money to spare for gossiping?
+
+_Ned._--Why, she watches me; and if I sell anything in the shop, then
+she comes to me and tells me, such a child wants this, and such a one
+that, so I am fain to give her money for quietness' sake.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, she makes a mere fool of you.
+
+_Ned._--'Tis not my case alone, Harry, for most of my neighbours have
+not much better wives, for the better sort they say, love carding and
+gossiping and cold tea.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I think you have almost satisfied me, and I promise
+you for your sake I will never marry any one of that sort called
+chamber-maids.
+
+_Ned._--If ever you marry, Harry, marry one that's bred up in business,
+I mean one that knows how to look after her house? and as you endeavour
+to get a penny in your way she will endeavour to get another in hers,
+such a one will make both you and herself happy.
+
+_Harry._--Pray then, Ned, what can your wife or any other man's wife say
+against her husband if he takes all the pains, as you say you do, to
+maintain her and her children handsomely?
+
+_Ned._--I know not but I hear this is their way. If any new married wife
+come among them; first she must pay for her admittance, then presently
+after, some of them will begin, "Neighbour, your good health;" another,
+"Neighbour I wish you health and happiness;" another, "Pray neighbour,
+what kind of a humoured man is your husband?" another, "Is he kind to
+you?" another, "Does he allow you as he should do? If he does not,
+neighbour, let us know, and we will tell you how to manage him I warrant
+you."
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I pity thee, with all my heart, and all them that
+have such wives; but now you must make the best of it, and live as
+quietly as you can.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, I must so. Well, come, let's know what's to pay. I have
+stayed too long, so I am sure of a lecture when I go home.
+
+_Harry._--Come, Ned, I treat you this time because I invited you, it may
+be you will find your wife in a better humour than you think of.
+
+_Ned._--I wish I may, Harry. I am sure of it that it shall make me stay
+at home and mind my business a great deal better than I have done of
+late.
+
+_Harry._--How many children have you, Ned?
+
+_Ned._--Two boys, and I believe another coming.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, she cannot complain of the smallness of her family.
+
+_Ned._--Well, Harry, I must take my leave of you, and I thank you for
+me, and if you do not go out of town to-morrow, I hope I shall see you
+again; there is a great deal more in a married state than I have told
+you of, that is all charges to the husband, the sickening-day, the
+week-day, the christening-day, three-week-day, the churching-day; all
+these days they have their meetings and discourses, which would take
+half a day to tell them all; and if the husband be not there to wait
+upon them on those days, some of them will say, "Neighbour, where is
+your husband? he should be here to wait on us." "If my husband, should
+serve me so," says another, "when I lie in, odds had." A third will say,
+"Indeed, neighbour, you give your husband too much liberty, more than I
+would do." So, Harry, when I go home she falls a-telling me what such a
+one and such a one, and all the company said of me, for my not being
+there to wait upon them.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, thou has satisfied me very well, and for thy sake
+will never marry a chamber-maid. Come, ring the bell, we'll see what
+there's to pay, and should be glad of your company longer, if it stand
+to your conveniency.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, I thank you, but home I must go now.
+
+_Harry._--Jenny, what's to pay? "One shilling sir."--Ned, good-night to
+you, my service to your spouse; and if I stay to-morrow, I'll come and
+see you and her.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, good night to you, I thank you for me, and I shall be
+glad to see you to-morrow; but whether my wife will or no I cannot tell,
+for I doubt I will find her but so-and-so in her humour.
+
+_Harry._--Good-night to you, Ned, thank you for your good company; it
+has been very pleasant, and I hope you will find all things easy and
+quiet at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                  DANIEL O'ROURKE'S
+
+                      WONDERFUL
+
+                  VOYAGE TO THE MOON.
+
+
+People may have heard of the renowned adventures of Daniel O'Rourke, but
+how few are there who know that the cause of all his perils, above and
+below, was neither more nor less than his having slept under the walls
+of the Phooka's tower.
+
+"I am often axed to tell it, sir," said he, "so that this is not the
+first time. The master's son, you see, had come from beyond foreign
+parts in France and Spain, as young gentlemen used to go, before
+Buonaparte or any such was heard of; and, sure enough, there was a
+dinner given to all the people on the ground, gentle and simple, high
+and low, rich and poor. The ould gentlemen were the gentlemen after all,
+saving your honour's presence. They'd swear at a body a little, to be
+sure, and maybe give one a cut of a whip now and then, but we were no
+losers by it in the end;--and they were so easy and civil, and kept such
+rattling houses, and thousands of welcomes; and there was no grinding
+for rent, and few agents; and there was hardly a tenant on the estate
+that did not taste of his landlord's bounty often and often in the
+year;--but now it's another thing; no matter for that, sir, for I'd
+better be telling you my story.
+
+"Well, we had everything of the best, and plenty of it; and we ate, and
+we drank, and we danced, and the young master, by the same token, danced
+with Peggy Barry from Bothereen--a lovely young couple they were, though
+they are both long enough now. To make a long story short, I got, as a
+body may say, the same thing as tipsy almost, for I can't remember ever
+at all, no ways, how I left the place; only I did leave it, that's
+certain. Well, I thought, for all that, in myself, I'd just step to
+Molly Cronohan's, the fairy woman, to speak a word about the bracket
+heifer that was bewitched; and so as I was crossing the stepping stones
+at the ford of Ballyashenogh, and was looking up at the stars, and
+blessing myself--for why? it was Lady-day--I missed my foot, and souse I
+fell into the water. 'Death alive!' thought I, 'I'll be drowned now!'
+However, I began swimming, swimming, swimming away for the dear life,
+till at last I got ashore, somehow or other, but never the one of me can
+tell how, upon a dissolute island.
+
+"I wandered and wandered about there, without knowing where I wandered,
+until at last I got into a big bog. The moon was shining as bright as
+day, or your fair lady's eyes, sir (with your pardon for mentioning
+her), and I looked east and west, and north and south, and every way,
+and nothing did I see but bog, bog, bog. I could never find out how I
+got into it, and my heart grew cold with fear, for sure and certain I
+was that it would be my barrin place. So I sat down upon a stone which,
+as good luck would have it, was close by me, and I began to scratch my
+head and sing the Ullagon, when all of a sudden the moon grew black, and
+I looked up, and saw something for all the world as if it was moving
+down between me and it, and I could not tell what it was. Down it came
+with a pounce, and looked at me full in the face. And what was it but an
+eagle--as fine a one as ever flew from the kingdom of Kerry. So he
+looked at me in the face, and says he to me, 'Daniel O'Rourke,' says he,
+'how do you do?' 'Very well, I thank you, sir,' says I; 'I hope you're
+well,' wondering out of my senses all the time how an eagle came to
+speak like a Christian. 'What brings you here, Dan?' says he. 'Nothing
+at all, sir,' says I; 'only I wish I was safe home again.' 'Is it out of
+the island you want to go, Dan?' says he. ''Tis, sir,' says I; so I up
+and told him how I had taken a drop too much, and fell into the water;
+how I swam to the island; and how I got into the bog and did not know my
+way out of it. 'Dan,' says he, after a minute's thought, 'though it is
+very improper for you to get drunk on Lady-day, yet, as you are a decent
+sober man, who tends mass well, and never flings stones at me or mine,
+nor cries out after us in the fields--my life for yours,' says he; 'so
+get up on my back, and grip me well for fear you'd fall off, and I'll
+fly you out of the bog.' 'I am afraid,' says I, 'your honour's making
+game of me; for who ever heard of riding a-horseback on an eagle
+before?' ''Pon the honour of a gentleman,' says he, putting his right
+foot on his breast, 'I am quite in earnest; and so, now, either take my
+offer or starve in the bog; besides, I see that your weight is sinking
+the stone.'
+
+"It was true enough as he said, for I found the stone every minute going
+from under me. I had no choice; so thinks I to myself, faint heart never
+won fair lady, and this is fair persuadance. 'I thank your honour,' says
+I, 'for the load of your civility, and I'll take your kind offer.' I
+therefore mounted upon the back of the eagle, and held him tight enough
+by the throat, and up he flew in the air like a lark. Little I knew the
+trick he was going to serve me. Up--up--up--God knows how far up he
+flew. 'Why, then,' said I to him, thinking he did not know the right
+road home, very civilly--because why? I was in his power
+entirely--'sir,' says I, 'please your honour's glory, and with humble
+submission to your better judgment, if you'd fly down a bit, you're now
+just over my cabin, and I could be put down there, and many thanks to
+your worship.'
+
+"'Arrah, Dan,' said he, 'do you think me a fool? Look down in the next
+field, and don't you see two men and a gun? By my word it would be no
+joke to be shot this way, to oblige a drunken blackguard that I picked
+up off a could stone in a bog." 'Bother you,' said I to myself, but I
+did not speak out, for where was the use? Well, sir, up he kept flying,
+flying, and I asking him every minute to fly down, and all to no use.
+'Where in the world are you going, sir?' says I to him. 'Hold your
+tongue, Dan,' says he; 'mind your own business, and don't be interfering
+with the business of other people.' 'Faith, this is my business, I
+think,' says I. 'Be quiet, Dan,' says he; so I said no more.
+
+"At last, where should we come to but to the moon itself. Now, you can't
+see it from this; but there is, or there was in my time, a reaping-hook
+sticking out of the side of the moon, this way (drawing the figure on
+the ground with the end of his stick).
+
+"'Dan,' said the eagle, 'I'm tired with this long fly; I had no notion
+'twas so far.' 'And, my lord, sir,' said I, 'who in the world axed you
+to fly so far--was it I? Did not I beg, and pray, and beseech you to
+stop half an hour ago?' 'There's no use talking, Dan,' said he; 'I'm
+tired bad enough, so you must get off, and sit down on the moon until I
+rest myself.' 'Is it sit down on the moon?' said I. 'Is it upon that
+little round thing, then? Why, then, sure I'd fall off in a minute, and
+be kilt and split, and smashed all to bits; you are a vile deceiver, so
+you are.' 'Not at all, Dan,' said he; 'you can catch fast hold of the
+reaping-hook that's sticking out of the side of the moon, and 'twill
+keep you up.' 'I won't, then,' said I. 'Maybe not,' said he, quite
+quiet. 'If you don't, my man, I shall just give you a shake, and one
+slap of my wing, and send you down to the ground, where every bone of
+your body will be smashed as small as a drop of dew on a cabbage-leaf in
+the morning.' 'Why, then, I'm in a fine way,' said I to myself, 'ever to
+have come alone with the likes of you;' and so, giving him a hearty
+curse in Irish, for fear he'd know what I said, I got off his back with
+a heavy heart, took hold of the reaping-hook, and sat down upon the
+moon; and a mighty cold seat it was, I can tell you that.
+
+"When he had me there fairly landed, he turned about on me, and said,
+'Good morning to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he; 'I think I've nicked
+you fairly now. You robbed my nest last year ('twas true enough for him,
+but how he found it out is hard to say), and in return you are freely
+welcome to cool your heels dangling upon the moon like a cockthrow.'
+
+"'Is that all, and is this the way you leave me, you brute, you?' says
+I. 'You ugly unnatural baste, and is this the way you serve me at last?
+Bad luck to yourself, with your hooked nose, and to all your breed, you
+blackguard.' 'Twas all to no manner of use; he spread out his great big
+wings, burst out a-laughing, and flew away like lightning. I bawled
+after him to stop, but I might have called and bawled for ever without
+his minding me. Away he went, and I never saw him from that day to this.
+Sorrow fly away with him! You may be sure I was in a disconsolate
+condition, and kept roaring out for the bare grief, when all at once a
+door opened right in the middle of the moon, creaking on its hinges as
+if it had not been opened for a month before. I suppose they never
+thought of greasing 'em; and out there walks, who do you think, but the
+man in the moon himself. I knew him by his busk.
+
+"'Good morrow to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he. 'How do you do?' 'Very
+well, thank your honour,' said I. 'I hope your honour's well.' 'What
+brought you here, Dan?' said he. So I told him how I was a little
+overtaken in liquor at the master's, and how I was cast on a dissolute
+island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how the thief of an eagle
+promised to fly me out of it, and how, instead of that, he had fled me
+up to the moon.
+
+"'Dan,' said the man in the moon, taking a pinch of snuff when I was
+done, 'you must not stay here.' 'Indeed, sir,' says I, ''tis much
+against my will I'm here at all; but how am I to go back?' 'That's your
+business,' said he, 'Dan; mine is to tell you that here you must not
+stay, so be off in less than no time.' 'I'm doing no harm,' says I,
+'only holding on hard by the reaping-hook lest I fall off.' 'That's what
+you must not do, Dan,' says he. 'Pray, sir,' says I, 'may I ask how many
+you are in family, that you would not give a poor traveller lodgings?
+I'm sure 'tis not so often you're troubled with strangers coming to see
+you, for 'tis a long way.' 'I'm by myself, Dan,' says he; 'but you'd
+better let go the reaping-hook.' 'Faith, and with your leave,' says I,
+'I'll not let go the grip; and the more you bids me, the more I won't
+let go, so I will.' 'You had better, Dan,' says he again. 'Why, then, my
+little fellow,' says I, taking the whole weight of him with my eye from
+head to foot, 'there are two words to that bargain; and I'll not budge,
+but you may if you like.' 'We'll see how that is to be,' says he; and
+back he went, giving the door such a great bang after him (for it was
+plain he was huffed) that I thought the moon and all would fall down
+with it.
+
+"Well, I was preparing myself to try strength with him, when back again
+he comes with the kitchen cleaver in his hand, and, without saying a
+word, he gives two bangs to the handle of the reaping-hook that was
+keeping me up, and whap! it came in two. 'Good morning to you, Dan,'
+says the spiteful little old blackguard, when he saw me cleanly falling
+down with a bit of the handle in my hand, 'I thank you for your visit,
+and fair weather after you, Daniel.' I had no time to make any answer to
+him, for I was tumbling over and over, and rolling and rolling at the
+rate of a fox-hunt. 'God help me,' says I, 'but this is a pretty pickle
+for a decent man to be seen in at this time of night; I am now sold
+fairly.' The word was not out of my mouth when whiz! what should fly by
+close to my ear but a flock of wild geese, all the way from my own bog
+of Ballyashenogh, else how should they know me? The ould gander, who was
+their general, turning about his head, cried out to me, 'Is that you,
+Dan?' 'The same,' said I, not a bit daunted now at what he said, for I
+was by this time used to all kinds of bedevilment, and, besides, I knew
+him of ould. 'Good morrow to you,' says he, 'Daniel O'Rourke. How are
+you in health this morning?' 'Very well, sir,' says I; 'I thank you
+kindly,' drawing my breath, for I was mightily in want of some. 'I hope
+your honour's the same.' 'I think 'tis falling you are, Daniel,' says
+he. 'You may say that, sir,' says I. 'And where are you going all the
+way so fast?' said the gander. So I told him how I had taken the drop,
+and how I came on the island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how
+the thief of an eagle flew me up to the moon, and how the man in the
+moon turned me out. 'Dan,' said he, 'I'll save you; put your hand out
+and catch me by the leg, and I'll fly you home.' 'Sweet is your hand in
+a pitcher of honey, my jewel,' says I, though all the time I thought in
+myself that I don't much trust you; but there was no help, so I caught
+the gander by the leg, and away I and the other geese flew after him as
+fast as hops.
+
+"We flew, and we flew, and we flew, until we came right over the wide
+ocean. I knew it well, for I saw Cape Clear to my right hand, sticking
+up out of the water. 'Ah! my lord,' said I to the goose--for I thought
+it best to keep a civil tongue in my head any way--'fly to land, if you
+please.' 'It is impossible, you see, Dan,' said he, 'for a while,
+because, you see, we are going to Arabia.' 'To Arabia!' said I; 'that's
+surely some place in foreign parts, far away. Oh! Mr. Goose, why, then,
+to be sure, I'm a man to be pitied among you.' 'Whist, whist, you fool,'
+said he; 'hold your tongue. I tell you Arabia is a very decent sort of
+place, as like West Carbery as one egg is like another, only there is a
+little more sand there.'
+
+"Just as we were talking a ship hove in sight, scudding so beautiful
+before the wind. 'Ah! then, sir,' said I, 'will you drop me on the ship,
+if you please?' 'We are not fair over it,' said he. 'We are,' said I.
+'We are not,' said he; 'if I dropped you now, you would go splash into
+the sea.' 'I would not,' says I; 'I know better than that, for it is
+just clean under us, so let me drop now at once.'
+
+"'If you must, you must,' said he. 'There, take your own way;' and he
+opened his claw, and faith he was right,--sure enough, I came down plump
+into the very bottom of the salt sea! Down to the very bottom I went,
+and I gave myself up then for ever, when a whale walked up to me,
+scratching himself after his night's rest, and looked me full in the
+face, and never the word did he say; but lifting up his tail, he
+splashed me all over again with the cold salt water, till there wasn't a
+dry stitch upon my whole carcase; and I heard somebody saying--'twas a
+voice I knew too--'Get up, you drunken brute, out of that,' and with
+that I woke up, and there was Judy with a tub full of water, which she
+was splashing all over me; for, rest her soul! though she was a good
+wife, she never could bear to see me in drink, and had a bitter hand of
+her own.
+
+"'Get up,' said she again; 'and of all places in the parish, would no
+place sarve your turn to lie down upon but under the ould walls of
+Carrigaphooka? An uneasy resting I am sure you had of it.' And sure
+enough I had; for I was fairly bothered out of my senses with eagles,
+and men of the moons, and flying ganders, and whales, driving me through
+bogs, and up to the moon, and down to the bottom of the great ocean. If
+I was in drink ten times over, long would it be before I'd lie down in
+the same spot again, I know that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                 MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET
+
+                   NEWLY BROKE OPEN;
+
+                     CONTAINING
+
+             RARE SECRETS OF NATURE AND ART,
+
+                 TRIED AND EXPERIENCED
+
+                BY LEARNED PHILOSOPHERS,
+
+    And recommended to all ingenious young men and maids,
+     teaching them, in a natural way, how to get good wives
+     and husbands.
+
+    Approved by several that have made trial of them; it being
+      the product of forty-nine years' study.
+
+    _By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King, a lover
+                   of Mirth, but a hater of Treason._
+
+                    IN TWO PARTS.
+
+    PART I.
+
+
+Reading over many ancient Histories, it was my chance to meet with this
+story of an old woman who lived in the west, who took delight in
+studying her fortune. When she found herself full twenty years old, she
+thought her luck worse than some who were married at fifteen or sixteen,
+which much troubled her mind; but to prevent all doubts she resolved to
+try a story she had often heard her mother talk of, and, finding it
+true, she resolved to teach other maidens.
+
+On a time, this old woman having newly buried her husband, was taking a
+walk in the fields, for the benefit of the air, sometimes thinking of
+the loss of her husbands, for she had had three, yet had a great desire
+for the fourth. So it happened, as she was walking alone, she espied a
+young maiden by the meadow-side. "Good morrow, maid," said the old
+woman, "how do you do? are not you well?" "Yes, mother, I am very well,
+but somewhat troubled in mind." "What is it troubles you so much? If I
+can, I will willingly relieve you, therefore be not ashamed to tell the
+truth. Is it anything of great concern?" "Indeed, mother, seeing you
+urge me so much, I will tell you the truth. We are three sisters, the
+youngest was married about a year ago, the middlemost last week, and I
+am the eldest, and no man heeds me." "Well, daughter, if this be all, I
+believe I can assist thee, for when I was young I was in the same
+condition, and with reading some histories, found out the art to know
+him that should be my husband, which, if you will keep my counsel, I am
+ready to teach thee." "I will, truly, and if you will do so much for me,
+I shall think myself much obliged to you; and, if my fortune proves
+right, I will make you amends."
+
+"Why, then, I will tell you, in the first place, you must observe St.
+Agnes' day, which is the 21st of January, and on that day let no man
+speak to thee, and at night, when thou liest down lay thy right hand
+under thy head, and say these words, 'Now the God of hope let me dream
+of my love'; then go to sleep as soon as possible, and you shall be sure
+to dream of him who will be your husband, and see him stand before you,
+and may take notice of him and his complexion; and if he offer to salute
+thee honourably, do not deny him, but show him as much favour as thou
+canst; but if he offers to be uncivil, be sure to send him away. And
+now, daughter, the counsel I have given you, be sure to tell nobody. So,
+fare you well, till I see you again."
+
+"I give you thanks for your advice; but one thing more I have to say,
+What is your name? and where do you live?" "I will tell you, daughter;
+my name is Mother Bunch, and I live at a place called Bonadventure,
+where, if you come, I will make you welcome."
+
+Now Mother Bunch having departed from the maid, she met another pretty
+girl. "Good morrow, Mother Bunch." "Good morrow, pretty maid, whither
+are you going this morning? Methinks you are very fine to-day." "Fine!
+Mother Bunch, you do not think so." "Nay, I cannot discommend you; for
+such a brisk maid as you should go handsome, or you will never get a
+sweetheart, though you think the time long." "No, no, mother, I am too
+young." "How old are you?" "I am eighteen." "Eighteen! then I know thou
+thinkest thou hast stayed long enough, and wouldest as willingly have a
+husband as another." "Aye, Mother Bunch, but good husbands are hard to
+find, especially for me, who have no skill in choosing, or else it may
+be I would be glad of a good husband." "Be sure to take my advice: be
+wise in choosing, that is to say, take no one that has got a red head,
+for be sure he loveth a smock so well that he will scarce let his wife
+have a good one to her back; nor of yellow hair, as he is inclinable to
+be jealous; nor a black man, for he is dogged." "Aye, but mother, if I
+must not have yellow, black, nor red, what colour must I take?" "Why,
+daughter, I tell you, if he is jealous, you will be annoyed by his
+speeches, for how can a young woman forbear when she is always provoked?
+And be sure, if he is jealous of thee thou mayest well be so of him; for
+evil people and thieves think ill of each other. But hold a little, one
+thing more I have to say to you, and that is, to take notice of thy
+sweethearts when they come a-wooing to thee, I mean of their civil
+behaviour; for if they swear, vow, and make great protestations, then
+have a care of thyself, for many words breed dissimulation; therefore
+have a care of such: but if a man come to thee that is sober and civil
+behaved, there are hopes of his proving a good man." "Now, mother, I
+will take my leave of you, giving you many thanks for your good advice;
+and so, farewell, till I see you again, and I intend to take this
+counsel."
+
+Another time Mother Bunch was in a little meadow, not far from her
+house, on the 30th of April, before sunrising. A handsome maid, seeing
+her alone, came to her, and said, "Mother Bunch, good morrow, how do you
+do? Pray, what makes you abroad so early in the morning? You seem to be
+in a deep study." "Daughter, you say very true; I am studying who shall
+be my next husband, and if thou wilt but please to stay a little while,
+thou shalt see a pretty art, which thou never saw before, to teach you
+how to know your sweetheart." "This is a pretty art indeed, and I should
+be glad to know it."
+
+"Hark! hark! daughter, is not yonder the cuckoo singing?" "Yes, yes, and
+I have not heard her sing this year before now." "Then, daughter, sit
+down by me, but hold, Are you fasting?" "Yes." "But has no man kissed
+you?" "No." Then sit thee down by me. "I think the cuckoo is mad, what a
+life she leads; I think she is a witch; but no matter: put off thy right
+shoe and stocking, and let me look between thy great toe and the next:
+Now, daughter, see, this hair is a long one; look well at it, and tell
+me what colour it is." "I think it is really yellow." "The same colour
+will thy husband's hair be." "But, Mother Bunch, I do not matter the
+colour so much as the condition." "I will tell you his condition: he may
+prove surly enough, and perhaps make you do as you did not imagine: you
+must give him good words, and give him good for evil." "Mother Bunch,
+you make me smile, you talk so merrily." "Come, daughter, it is no great
+matter; merry talk does no harm, but drives the time away. But hark!
+daughter, I have had three husbands myself, and I think to have another;
+and do you think I am so mad to tell him all I do? Then, my daughter, I
+have another way to tell you who must be your husband; I have proved it
+true; and it is the best time of the year to try it, therefore, observe
+what I say: Take a St. Thomas' onion, pare it, and lay it on a clean
+handkerchief under your pillow; and as you lie down, say these words--
+
+    Good St. Thomas, do me right,
+    And bring my love in dreams this night,
+    That I may view him in the face.
+
+"Then go to sleep as soon as you can, and in your first sleep you shall
+dream of him who is to be your husband. This I have tried, and it has
+proved true. Yet I have another pretty way for a maid to know her
+sweetheart, which is as follows: Take a summer apple of the best fruit,
+stick pins close into the apple, to the head, and as you stick them take
+notice which of them is the middlemost, and give it what name you fancy;
+put it into thy left hand glove, and lay it under thy pillow on Saturday
+night; after thou gettest into bed, then clap thy hands together, and
+say these words--
+
+    If thou be he that must have me
+      To be thy wedded bride,
+    Make no delay, but come away,
+      In dream to my bedside.
+
+"And in thy sleep thou shalt see him, and be not afraid, for it is a sign
+he will prove a good husband. And this is a good way for a young man to
+know his sweetheart, giving the middlemost pin the name he fancies best,
+putting the apple in his right hand glove, and laying it under his
+pillow when he is in bed, saying--
+
+    If thou be she that must have me
+      In wedlock for to join,
+    Make no delay, but come away
+      So I may dream of mine.
+
+"And that night he may see her, and if she come it is a sign she will
+prove a good wife. And now, daughter, the time passes away, and I must
+be gone, and so bid you farewell." "Mother Bunch, I give you many thanks
+for your good counsel, and intend to take your advice."
+
+Upon a time, Mother Bunch, being at a wedding, where young men and maids
+were met, who had a mind for some discourse with her, one young man
+said, "Mother Bunch, we know you are a woman that has a judgment in many
+things, I pray, tell my fortune." "I cannot tell fortunes," said she,
+"but thou blinkest too much with one eye to be true to one woman." "Aye,
+but, mother," says another, "what think you of me?" "Thou mayest come to
+marry a lady, if thou canst but lay a great wager with her, three to
+one; and if she wagers with thee, thou wilt be very likely to win, for
+thou hast mettle in thee; but have a care she win not the odds, if she
+does thou art clean gone. So farewell."
+
+Now Mother Bunch took her leave; and going home, she met a maid going to
+a wedding. "How do you do, mother?" "Thank you, daughter, whither are
+you going?" "To the wedding, I believe; but hark you, mother, will you
+sit down a little, I have something to say to you." "What is it,
+daughter?" "When shall I be married?" "Would you fain be married?" "Yes,
+mother, if I could get a good husband." "Then, daughter, I will tell you
+the best I can, if you will take my advice. In the month of January are
+many dangerous days for thee to take notice of; these are the first,
+second, third, fourth, and fifth: there are a great many more; but if
+thou marriest on these days, thy husband will cuckold thee, or thou wilt
+make him one, or else you will soon be parted by one means or other; but
+for all there be so many bad days in this month I can tell you of one
+day which is lucky, and many young men and maids have a deal of heart's
+ease on that day, or the day after, as I shall let you understand; it is
+the 21st, called St. Agnes' day. This St. Agnes has a great favour for
+young men and maids, and will bring their sweethearts, if they follow my
+rules: Upon this day you must be sure to keep a fast, and neither eat
+nor drink all that day, nor at night; neither let man, woman, nor child
+kiss thee on that day; and thou must be sure, when thou goest to bed, to
+say--
+
+    Now, St. Agnes, play thy part,
+    And send to me my own sweetheart;
+    And show me such a happy bliss,
+    This night to dream of a sweet kiss.
+
+"And be sure to fall asleep as soon as you can, and before you awake out
+of your first sleep, you shall see him come before you, and shall
+perceive by his habit what tradesman he is; and be sure thou declare not
+thy dream unto any one in ten days, and by that time thou mayest see thy
+dream come to pass. All this I have proved three times; for I have had
+three husbands, and they all proved tradesmen. The first was a straw
+joiner, the second a louse-trap maker, and the third a gentle craft, and
+he came to me with his awl in his hand, and so I waked out of my dream;
+but I thought the time long till he came again; as all maids do that
+desire to be married. I know some maids would wait in order to have a
+husband with the best conditions, and endowed with the best
+qualifications; nay they would have impossibilities: but I am afraid
+they will make good the old proverb, that says--
+
+    'If you will not when you may,
+    When you would you shall have nay.'
+
+"Therefore, take my advice, if a young man comes to you of a civil
+carriage, and you think you can love him, be not scornful to him, but
+give him a civil encouragement, according to his behaviour."
+
+And as to young men, my advice is, they be wary in their choice, since
+there is as much danger in choosing of a wife as a husband: wherefore,
+all young men, take my advice: choose not one with a long nose, a
+scolding brow, and thin lips, for in such there is great danger. He who
+is tied to a scold is tied to sorrow; choose not one who is counted a
+slut, if she be a slut, she is idle also, and these two companions will
+bring thee to poverty; nay, besides this, the old saying is, 'A slut
+will poison the gout, and if you can't eat with her, you won't sleep
+with her.'
+
+But this is the best way of choosing a wife: Take one for love, not for
+riches which fly away, for true love never varies; and where that is,
+the blessing of God is. If you desire to live a long life, be not
+overfond of riches, but choose a civil handsome maid, who is not given
+to pride: such a maid may make a fine wife. But she that brings a
+handsome fortune, will be always throwing it in your teeth, which often
+occasions great disturbances; therefore let this suffice for those who
+desire to get good wives; and take notice of what I have already said,
+and you may fare the better.
+
+And as for young maids, this is my advice, if they will not try St.
+Agnes, let them be sure to choose a clever, honest man, who is able to
+support them in comfort.
+
+
+
+
+    PART II.
+
+
+On Michaelmas Day, Mother Bunch, sitting on the bank of a river, joining
+to a neighbouring grove, beheld the late flourishing branches in their
+decay, whose sapless leaves were falling to the earth, from which she
+began seriously to consider her own mortality; and since time had
+hurried on the winter of her age, and covered her aged head with snowy
+locks, she might expect, ere long, to fall, like the enfeebled leaves.
+Therefore, she resolved, as she had been a kind friend to young men and
+maids, to give a further testimony of her regard before she left this
+world. For as her painful study and strict observation had made a large
+improvement in her stock of knowledge she would not have it buried in
+the grave with her, but leave it to posterity for the benefit of young
+men and maids, whereby they might learn to understand their good and bad
+fortunes, and by the directions of this book be thoroughly furnished
+with many secret rarities never before published to the world.
+
+Accordingly, the next day she wrote letters of invitation to the young
+men and maids to repair to her house on St. Luke's Day. The maids she
+appointed to meet in the morning, to be first instructed, and that for
+two reasons. First, as she herself was a woman, she would teach them
+first, lest the bachelors should be too hard for them before they had
+learned their lessons. Secondly, that young women should be first served
+in this, it being Horn Fair Day, many of the bachelors would be employed
+in the morning, in handing old citizens' young wives to the fair; and in
+the afternoon they might be at liberty. This was the determination of
+old Mother Bunch.
+
+Now against the time appointed, old Mother Bunch decked up her house,
+neat and fine, and, getting up early in the morning, placed herself in
+the closet, where her treasure lay.
+
+Now the first that entered the room was one Margery Loveman, a
+maltster's maid, who, with a low curtsey, said, "Good morrow, Mother
+Bunch, I am come to partake of your bounty; for I hear you have a second
+time opened your Golden Closet of Curiosities for the benefit of young
+lovers." "Yes, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "so I have, and thou shalt
+partake of the same. Here is infallible rules and directions to guide
+you in all manner of love intrigues; also, how to know what sort of man
+you shall marry, and whither he will prove loving or not."
+
+"Dear mother, these are things I fain would know; for, believe me, I
+have many sweethearts, and I willingly choose the best, lest I should
+marry in haste and repent at leisure. 'Tis true, I have near a hundred
+and fifty pounds to my portion, the great noise of which has brought
+many sweethearts, for I have no less than five or six at this time; and,
+mother, I would fain know which of them comes for love of me, and which
+of them for money." "Daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "here is an
+experiment, if you will but try, it will make a clear discovery of the
+reality of their love. Let a report be spread that thou hast lately been
+robbed of all that thou hast, both money and apparel. Now, if after
+this, there is one of them that continues his love as before, you may be
+very certain that he is faithful; but, be sure that you keep this
+counsel to yourself, that the secret be not discovered." "I will take
+care of that, dear mother," quoth Margery, "and I heartily thank you for
+this kind and seasonable advice."
+
+    "Good morrow, daughter," she replied,
+    "Young men are false, and must be tried."
+
+She was no sooner gone, but in comes Mrs. Susan, a young sempstress from
+Salisbury, with sorrowful lamentation, weeping and wringing her hands.
+"How now!" quoth good Mother Bunch; "what is the matter with you,
+daughter, that you go on at this rate?" "Alas! Mother Bunch," quoth
+Susan, "my--my--my--my--my--my!" "What my?" said Mother Bunch. Quoth
+sobbing Susan, "My sorrows are more than I am able to bear; for, mother,
+dear Frank the fiddler, my old love, and I are fallen out, and he swears
+he will not have me." "Come, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "be of good
+comfort, for I will put thee in an effectual way to find whither Frank
+the fiddler be really angry with thee or not; and if he be, I will teach
+thee infallibly how to obtain his favour again. 'She that is afraid of
+every grass, must not think to go in a meadow.' Let your angry love but
+alone for a season, and he will soon come to himself again; for I know
+that love is a puny darling, and wants very frequently to be humoured.
+Therefore, let him alone, in time he will forget his anger, and return
+to thee again, if he has any principle, good nature, or loyal love in
+him; and if not, you had better be without him than during your whole
+life to be tied to so sour an apple tree. Remember the old proverb,
+'Set thy stool in the sun; if a knave goes, an honest man may come.' I
+hope thou hast not been playing the wanton wagtail with him, hast thou?"
+"No, indeed, dear Mother Bunch; but yet, I must needs confess that he
+fain would have played a lesson on my lute last market day, but I would
+not let him; and that was the cause of our falling out." "Sayest thou
+so, daughter? Why, then, I will tell thee, that since he found thou
+withstood his temptations, with so much resolution, take my word for it
+he will never forget thee." "Well, dear mother," quoth young Susan,
+"your words have been comfortable to me; and when I find the good
+effects, I will return and give you an account of it. And so farewell,
+dear mother, for the present."
+
+    "Right happy, daughter, may you be,
+    In guarding your true purity."
+
+The next that entered the room was Eliza, the miller's maid, who, after
+making a very low curtsey, and giving Mother Bunch the time of the day,
+desiring to know for what reason she sent her that letter? "Why," says
+the old woman, "to the end that I might reveal to you some secrets
+relating to love, which I have never discovered to the world." "But,
+dear Mother Bunch," quoth Margery, "I am a mere stranger to love, for I
+never in my life knew what it meant." "That may be," quoth Mother Bunch;
+"yet you know not how soon you may receive the arrows of Cupid, then you
+would be glad of some of my advice, for I know by myself, that the best
+woman of you all, at one time or other, has a desire to know what it is
+to be married." Quoth Margery, "You talk merrily, Mother Bunch." "Well,
+daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "you may term it as you please; but I
+will appeal to your own conscience whether or no you would be glad, with
+all your heart, of a kind and loving husband."
+
+"Dear Mother," quoth Margery, "you come quite close to the matter; and
+if I may be so free as to speak my own mind, I could willingly have such
+a one; for though house-keeping is said to be very chargeable often, yet,
+on the other hand, a married state is honourable." "Thou sayest well,
+daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "and if thou hast a mind to see the man
+whom thou shalt marry, then follow strictly my directions, and you shall
+not fail of your desire. Let me see--this is St. Luke's Day, which I
+have found by long study to be of greater use to that purpose than that
+of the celebrated St. Agnes, which I formerly recommended you to; and
+the ingredients now to be used are of a quite different and finer
+quality, and far more excellent for performing the same.
+
+"Now I would have you take some marigold flowers, a large sprig of sweet
+marjoram, a sprig of fresh thyme, and a small quantity of wormwood; dry
+these together before the fire, till you may rub them to a powder; then
+sift the same through a piece of fine lawn. This being done, take a
+small quantity of virgin honey, and right white wine vinegar, and simmer
+them together in a new earthen porringer, over a mild and gentle fire;
+all which being done, anoint your forehead and cheeks, and lips,
+likewise, with the same, just the moment you are lying down in your bed;
+always remembering to repeat these words three times--
+
+    St. Luke, St. Luke, be kind to me,
+    And let me now my true love see.
+
+"This said, hasten to sleep with all speed; then in the soft slumber of
+your night's repose the very man you are to marry shall appear before
+you walking to and fro near to your bedside, very plain and visible to
+be seen: you shall perfectly behold the colour of his hair, his visage,
+stature, and deportment. And if he be one that will prove faithful, he
+will approach you with a smile, and offer to salute you; which, when he
+does, do not seem to be overfond or peevishly froward, but receive the
+same with a becoming mild and modest smile. Now, if he be one that will,
+after marriage, forsake his house to wander after strange women, then
+will he offer to be rude and uncivil with thee, at which time thou shalt
+lift up thy hand to smite him; so doing, it will go well with thee, and
+thy guardian angel will keep thee ever safe. Daughter, these are
+rarities which I never before divulged. Do but put this in execution,
+and I am certain it will answer the desired effect." "I must needs thank
+you for your love," quoth Margery; "and so farewell, Mother Bunch."
+"Good-bye, daughter," she replied.
+
+    "Let joy and pleasure crown your days,
+    And a kind man your fortune raise."
+
+The next that appeared was Kate, the cloth-worker's daughter; then Doll,
+the dairymaid; Joan, Bridget, Nancy, and Phillis, in number about forty
+together, each of them crying out with a loud voice, "Dear Mother Bunch,
+remember me." "O remember me," quoth another; and so did they all, till
+they made the poor old woman's ears deaf with the clamorous noise. "My
+dear daughters," quoth Mother Bunch, "sit you all down and be quiet, for
+there is never a one amongst you but will partake of my bounty.
+Daughters, I will sit in the midst of you, where I shall read over a
+very interesting lecture. My real motive is to give you a full account
+of some rare and excellent curiosities, in my Golden Closet, newly broke
+open; declaring that it is my opinion that those things which are
+profitable to one maid may not be prejudicial, in any respect, to
+another, and this I shall begin. First, if any of you here desire to
+know the name of the man whom you shall marry, let her seek in the
+summer time for a green peasecod, in which there are nine pease; when
+you have done this, either write, or cause to be written, on a slip of
+paper, these words--
+
+    Come in, my dear,
+    And never fear.
+
+"Writing which, you must carefully close within the aforesaid peasecod,
+and lay the same under the threshold of the door, and then observe the
+next man that comes into the house; for you shall certainly be married
+to one of the same name.
+
+"Secondly, she that desires to be satisfied whether she shall get the man
+desired or no, let her take two lemon-peels in the morning, and wear
+them all the day under her arm-pit, then at night let her not fail to
+take them and rub the four posts of the bed with the same; which being
+done, in your first sleep, he will seem to come and present you with a
+couple of choice lemons, if not, there is no hope.
+
+"Thirdly, she that is desirous to know what manner of fortune she shall
+marry, whether a gentleman, a tradesman, or a traveller, the experiment
+is thus: Take a walnut, a hazel nut, and a nutmeg; crack the two nuts,
+and take off the scurf; peel them clear from the kernels, and grate part
+of the nutmeg to them; this being done, bruise the kernels of the nuts,
+and mix them with butter and sugar, making them up into peels, which are
+to be taken just when you are lying down in your bed. Then if your
+fortune be to marry a gentleman, your sleep will be filled with fine
+golden dreams, variety of sweet music, and many running footmen; if a
+tradesman, great noise and tumults; if a traveller (who is a seaman),
+then frightful visions of lightning and roaring thunder will disturb
+your sleep. This has been often tried, and as often approved.
+
+"Fourthly, St. Agnes' Day I have not wholly blotted out of my book; no,
+but I have found a more exact way of trial than before: You shall not
+need to abstain from kisses, nor be forced to keep a fast from a glance
+of your love in the night. If you can rise to be at the parish church
+door punctually between the hours of twelve and one in the morning, and
+then and there put only the fore-finger of your right hand into the
+key-hole of the said door, repeating the following words, three times
+over--
+
+    O sweet St. Agnes, now draw near
+    With my true love, let him appear.
+
+"Then he will straight approach to you with a cheerful and smiling
+countenance. This is a new and infallible way of making the trial.
+
+"Fifthly, my dear daughters, you all know the thirteenth day of February
+is Valentine's Day, at which time the fowls of the air couple together,
+and not only so, but the young men and maidens are for choosing mates at
+the same time. Now, that you may speed to your full satisfaction, follow
+this approved direction: Take five bay leaves, lay one under every
+corner of your pillow, and the fifth under the middle, then laying
+yourself down to rest, repeat the following words in the four lines,
+seven times over--
+
+    Some guardian angel let me have
+    What I most earnestly do crave,
+    A valentine endowed with love,
+    Which will both kind and constant prove.
+
+"Then to your great content, you shall either have the valentine of him
+you desire, or, at least, one much more excellent.
+
+"Sixthly, the experiment of the midsummer smock, found in a better
+manner than before, by my painful study in philosophy. And now,
+daughters," quoth she, "take particular notice, for it is thus: Let
+seven of you together, on a midsummer's eve, exactly at the sun's
+setting, go silently into some garden, and gather each of you a sprig of
+red sage, then return to some private room, prepared particularly for
+that purpose, with a stool placed in the middle, each one of you having
+a clean smock, turned the wrong side outwards, hanging upon a line
+across the room, then let every one lay her sprig of red sage on a clean
+plate of rosewater set on a stool; which done, place yourselves in a
+row, where continue till twelve or one o'clock, saying nothing,
+whatever you see, for after midnight, each one's sweetheart or husband,
+that shall be, will take each maid's sprig out of the rosewater, and
+sprinkle his love's smock, and those who are so unfortunate as never to
+be married, their sprigs shall not be moved; and in consequence hereof
+many sobs and heavy sighs will be heard. This has been very often tried
+in our own country, and never failed of the desired effect.
+
+    These things I have found out of late,
+    To make young lovers fortunate.
+
+"And now, my dear daughters, I have but a few more words to say at this
+time, and they are by way of caution: In the twelve months I find above
+one and thirty very unfortunate days; and therefore, as you regard the
+future happiness of your lives, take care that you do not enter into
+wedlock upon those days. Now, for your better instruction, I'll tell you
+which they be.
+
+    "In January there are four; the 7th, 16th, 17th, and 18th.
+    February hath two; the 5th and 10th.
+    March hath three; the 9th, 10th, and 21st.
+    April hath two; the 6th and 7th.
+    May hath two; the 4th and 13th.
+    June hath three; the 7th, 9th, and 10th.
+    July hath two; the 9th and 17th.
+    August hath two; the 11th and 15th.
+    September hath three; the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
+    October hath three; the 4th, 14th, and 15th.
+    November hath two; the 5th and 24th.
+    December hath three; the 6th, 7th, and 9th.
+            Observe my rules for all these days,
+            And then you will your fortune raise."
+
+This said, old Mother Bunch presented them with a cup of her fine
+cordial water, and so dismissed them; and the young damsels, with
+rapturous hearts, returned her their hearty thanks.
+
+After Mother Bunch had done dinner, the young men came, to wit, Tom the
+miller, Ralph the thatcher, and Robin the ploughman, with a great number
+of other trades and callings, all whom Mother Bunch invited to sit down
+that she might deliver her wholesome counsels to them.
+
+And first she begins with Tom the miller, saying, "Ah, Tom! thou art a
+sad wild young fellow; there is not a maid that can come to the mill but
+thou will be fooling with them, but take my word for it, if you do not
+leave off in time, you will certainly spoil all your fortune. What woman
+do you think, having a portion, will have such a one? She may justly
+conclude that you will still run a catterwauling after young wenches,
+and leave her to sigh and weep for want of domestic happiness--you know
+what I mean, Tom."
+
+"Yes, yes, mother," quoth Tom, "but sure you do not take me for such a
+one." "Yes, Tom, I do, and am seldom mistaken. It is you millers that
+fill the country so full of cracked-headed maidens, that when an honest
+husband comes to marry he finds the hearts already stolen away. But
+farewell, I'll have no more to say to such a fellow as you."
+
+Then turning to Ralph the thatcher, she said, "I find you are very
+desirous of a wife, and your ambition is such that she must be rich,
+young, and beautiful: cannot you content yourself with honest Joan, to
+whom you gave promise of marriage? And now I find you have a mind to
+leave her, which if you do, and obtain such a one as you desire, I can
+tell you what will follow. She won't stand picking of straws with you,
+her fair face will find many friends in a corner, and you may chance to
+be a cuckold, and indeed but justly served in your kind; and, therefore,
+I advise you to return to your old love, for she is a very honest girl,
+and therefore far more fit for you than such a gay butterfly as you have
+lately followed."
+
+Then she stretched forth her hand to Robin the ploughman, saying, "Thou
+art an honest fellow, and good fortune will always attend thee. I mean
+not bags of gold nor heaps of silver; but thou shalt have a careful and
+industrious wife, one that will ever be willing and ready to labour, a
+true and faithful yoke-mate, and one that will be a cheerful partner in
+thy weal and woe, to comfort and support thee under the greatest and
+most severe trials. For, as the poet has it--
+
+    That burden may be borne
+      By two with care,
+    Which is perhaps too much
+      For one to bear.
+
+"Honest Robin, this is thy happy fortune, and as thou art a downright
+honest fellow, I am glad to find it so."
+
+    Thus Mother Bunch went round the room,
+    And told them what would be their doom,
+    If they her daughters did betray,
+    And steal their maiden hearts away,
+    Each would be punished with a bride,
+    By whom he should be hornify'd;
+    But if they were right honest men,
+    Each of them should have fortune then.
+    This said, she did her blessing give,
+    In love and happiness to live;
+    Which when they did the same receive,
+    Of Mother Bunch they took their leave,
+    Declaring she had told them more,
+    Than e'er they understood before.
+
+Now for these poor young creatures that have pined themselves to death,
+and have no cure, the worst of pretenders to physiognomy might prescribe
+them a remedy, and all those of what constitution soever that have hoped
+houses of their own, I will show you how you shall see the person that
+is to give you one, collected from Trismegistus and Cornelius Agrippa.
+
+On midsummer Eve three or four of you must dip your dresses in fair
+water, then turn them wrong side outwards, and hang them on chairs
+before the fire, and lay some salt in another chair, and speak not a
+word. In a short time the likeness of him you are to marry will come and
+turn your dresses, and drink to you; but if there be any of you will
+never marry, they will hear a bell, but not the rest.
+
+    _Another way, quickly tried._
+
+Take hemp-seed, and go into what place you will by yourself, carry the
+seed in your apron, and with your right hand throw it over your shoulder
+saying,
+
+    Hemp-seed I sow, hemp-seed I sow,
+    And he that must be my true love,
+    Come after me and mow.
+
+And at the ninth time expect to see the figure of him you are to wed, or
+else hear a bell as before.
+
+    Yet though you hear the sad and dismal bell
+    It is your own fault if you hear the horrid knell.
+                    _Another way._
+
+You that dare venture into a churchyard, just as it strikes twelve at
+night, take a naked sword in your hand, and go nine times about the
+church, saying,
+
+    Here's the sword, but where's the scabbard?
+
+Which continue the whole time you go round; and the ninth time the
+person you are to marry will meet you with a scabbard and so kiss you:
+if not, a bell as before.
+
+    _Another, called the Dutch Cake._
+
+Three, four, or more of you must make a cake of flour and salt (no
+matter of what flour), and some of each of your own baking; make your
+cake broad, and each of you set the two first letters of your name with
+a pin, but leave such a distance that it may be cut; then set it before
+the fire, but speak not one word. Turn it each of you once; and the
+person to be your husband will cut out your name; then the next, unto
+the last.
+
+    _Another way._
+
+The first change of the new moon on the New Year, the first time you
+see it, hold your hands across, saying this three times--
+
+    New moon, new moon, I pray thee,
+    Tell me this night who my true love will be.
+
+Then go to sleep without speaking a word, and you will certainly dream
+of the person you shall marry.
+
+    _Another way experienced often._
+
+Young men and maids may take some rosemary flowers, bay leaves, a little
+thyme, sweet marjoram, and southern-wood; make these into powder, and
+with barley flour make a cake, but do not bake it. Lay this under your
+head any Friday night; and if you dream of music, you will wed those you
+desire in a short time; if of the sea or ships, you will travel first;
+if of a church, you must be contented to die single.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                   COMICAL HISTORY
+
+                       OF THE
+
+                COURTIER AND TINKER
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _The Courtier finds the Tinker asleep; he has him carried in
+         that posture to his house; lays him on a Bed in a
+         stately Room with rich Clothes by him; feasts and
+            entertains him with fine Music; makes him
+                  drunk, and then conveys him
+                         back again._
+
+
+A Courtier one day riding along with his retinue espied a Tinker who had
+been taking a very early draught to quench the spark in his throat,
+lying fast asleep, and snoring under a sunny bank, having made his
+budget into his pillow, to rest his drowsy head upon; and the
+Courtier's country house not being far off, he immediately caused his
+servants to take him up very softly, and carry him thither, then to put
+him in a stately bed in the next chamber, pull off his foul shirt, and
+put on him a clean one, then convey away his old clothes, and lay rich
+ones by him. This was punctually observed. The Tinker being thus laid,
+slept soundly till evening; when rousing up between sleeping and waking,
+and being dry, as drunkards usually are, he began to call for some
+drink, but was greatly frighted to find himself in such a palace,
+furnished with lights and attendants about him, that bowed to him, and
+harmonious music, accompanied with most charming voices, but none of
+them to be seen. Whereupon looking for his old clothes and budget, he
+found a muff and rich attire glistening with gold by him, which made him
+fancy himself metamorphosed from a Tinker to a Prince. He asked many
+questions, but in vain, yet being willing to rise, the attendants
+arrayed him in the richest attire; so then he looked on all sides
+admiring the sudden change of fortune, and as proud as a peacock when he
+spreads his tail against the glittering beams of the sun. And being
+arrayed, they had him into another room, where was a costly banquet
+prepared, and placed him in a chair, under a fine canopy, fringed with
+gold, being attended with wine in gilded cups. At first he strained
+courtesy, but being entreated to sit down, the banquet being solely at
+his disposal, he fell to most heartily. Then after supper they plied him
+with so much wine, as to make him dead drunk, then stripped him, and put
+on his old clothes; they carried him as they had brought him, and laid
+him in the same posture they found him, being all this time asleep; and
+when he awoke he took all that had happened before for a vision, telling
+it wherever he came, that he had really and verily dreamed he had been a
+prince, telling them as well as he could all that had happened, but
+plainly he saw now again his fortune would raise him no higher than to
+mend old kettles; yet he made the following song for the fraternity to
+sing at their leisure:--
+
+    All you that jovial Tinkers are,
+        Come listen unto me:
+    I dreamed a dream that was so rare,
+    That none to it I can compare,
+        No Tinker such did see.
+
+    I thought I was a King indeed,
+        Attired gay and fine;
+    In a stately palace I did tread,
+    Was to a princely banquet led,
+        And had good cheer of wine.
+
+    But soon I found me in a ditch,
+        That did no comfort lend;
+    This shows a Tinker, though he itch
+    To be a Prince, or to grow rich,
+        Must still old kettles mend.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _The Courtier's Trick upon the Tinker for complaining that he
+                could get no drink at his house._
+
+
+The Tinker I have before mentioned, not knowing the house where he had
+been so nobly entertained, and which he only took for a vision, and
+often walking that road and crying old brass to mend, had been called in
+to work, and was often asked various questions by the servants, and as
+often told them his imaginary vision; but they giving him no strong
+liquor, he often complained of it in the town, saying, "Though some had
+praised Sir John's liberality, and how free he was of his liquor, yet
+for his own part, he could say no such thing, as having ever found him
+so stingy and niggardly, that not so much as one sup of his famed March
+or October beer could he get." This being babbled about came to the
+Courtier's ears, who was resolved to punish his sauciness, though in a
+comical way. So one day as he was passing by, he ordered him to be
+called in to do some work; and after he had done it to come to him (as
+having laid all his schemes with his servants beforehand). "Come, old
+fellow," said he, "you look as if you were as dry as Vulcan. What say
+you if I should order you where you may have your fill of good drink?
+Would not you be glad of it?" "Ay, master," said he, making a nod and a
+scrape, "God's blessing on your heart for it, and I thank you too."
+
+Upon this he ordered his butler to have him down, and be sure not to
+stint him, and let him have his full swill. They instantly went, and the
+Tinker followed them very joyfully. But they had no sooner gotten him
+down, but shutting to the door close, they ordered him to strip
+immediately; at the which he much wondered, and began to make excuses on
+account of the blackness of his hide, which would be very undecent and
+unseemly. But they pretended it was the way of the cellar, when a new
+comer was to be made free of it, but never after, how oft soever he
+came. He being willing to comply, that he might have his skin full of
+good liquor, that might prove both as meat and cloth to him, off went
+his leathern doublet, breeches, shoes, stockings, and hat; as for shirt
+he had none, having pawned it to his hostess that morning for three
+noggins of brandy. Then taking a frisk or two in a merry vein, they
+surprisingly whipped him up by the heels, and put him into a full butt
+of strong beer, the upper head being taken up for that purpose. So he
+dipped over head and ears like a duck that dives. Yet after he had
+recovered his legs, it was but just shoulder deep, for when upon winding
+of the horn, whilst he would have been scrambling out, down came Sir
+John, demanding what was the matter. They told him "the Tinker was not
+content to drink full horns at the cock, but would needs go in to drink
+all at a draught." "Aye," said he, "this is a thirsty soul indeed; but
+since he undertakes to drink it, he shall do it, for none of my servants
+shall drink it now, he has washed his dirty hide in it;" crying to him
+with an angry voice, "Sirrah, you rogue, drink it as you proposed, or it
+shall be worse for you," and while he stood shivering up to his neck,
+and was endeavouring to lay the blame upon others, the Courtier seemed
+impatient to be dallied with, drew a broad sword that was two-edged,
+protesting his head should go off for abusing his good liquor, was there
+no more Tinkers in the world, and with that, making a full blow at him,
+as the Tinker believed. And seeing him in such a passion, he to avoid
+the coming stroke dropped down over head and ears, staying under as long
+as he could, and peeping up, and seeing the threatening danger, he
+dropped down again for six or seven times. Till fearing to carry the
+jest too far, he gave him a short respite, telling him, "Now he could
+not report abroad he was so very niggardly of his drink, for he had or
+might have enough of it." Then bidding his servants to take him out, and
+ordered him to depart, or drink it up, which he thought fit. And thus he
+went away laughing. The Tinker, who was at first very angry, but being
+cheered up with a cordial dram, and so made sensible that all this was
+but a frolic, and that for the future their master would be his good
+friend if he behaved civilly, he was pacified, and so putting on his
+clothes, he beat the road for a gang of merry fellows of his
+acquaintance, informing them, there was a hogshead of March beer at Sir
+John's, which they all might be partakers of if they choosed; they came
+joyfully, and had it brought into the court-yard, in black jacks. After
+they had drunk it, the Tinker told them the cause of its being given
+away, was because there was a swine that had unexpectedly fallen into
+it; but on further inquiry he told them all the circumstances, which set
+them a-laughing till their sides were almost cracked. Afterwards they
+had plenty of victuals sent them, and the Tinker being thus made free of
+the cellar, was ordered to call at the house, and have victuals and
+drink as often as he came that way. And so they departed, spreading the
+fame of Sir John in every place they came, as a bountiful benefactor;
+singing as they went, the following song:--
+
+    Good house-keeping, they say, is fled,
+      Or hawks or hounds, and whores have rid her;
+    But we say she's not fled nor dead,
+      Who have so plentiful beheld her.
+
+    Long may he flourish in this nation,
+      And get it praised as of old,
+    That we by following the French fashion,
+      May not make charity grow cold.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _A Comical Trick he made the Tinker serve an old Farmer,
+           who used to ride sleeping, making him think
+                  that his horse was the Devil._
+
+
+The Tinker being better pleased with his treatment, often frequented the
+house, making the Knight merry with his pleasant songs, etc., so that he
+was much pleased with his conversation, and often gave him money, and
+one day put him upon a frolic, seeing him an apt fellow. He had seen an
+old curmudgeon farmer, sleeping and nodding on his horse, as he came
+from market, and giving the Tinker directions what to do, when he should
+come by, knowing his hour, and delivering him a parcel of crackers and
+other fireworks, he caused him to be dressed in a raw hide with horns,
+when the Tinker, according to order, with the help of a servant, having
+stopped the farmer's horse, while the rider was sleeping, pitched four
+stakes, one at each corner of the pannel, and ungirting, he drew the
+horse from under, when taking off the bridle, he put his own head into
+the headstal; so then after he placed the fireworks under the pannel, he
+put a fuse lighted to them, and so kept motion as the horse used to do
+with the nodding farmer, who having the reins about his wrist, by his
+kicking he awaked, and seeing himself on a frightful beast, which he
+took for Beelzebub, he cried out, when the fire-work taking, blew up him
+and the pannel, and made him to fall quash to the ground, so that the
+Tinker made off with the stakes and pannel. The old man no sooner got
+up, but he fell to running, crying out, "The Devil, the Devil," and
+never durst come that way again but in company, rather choosing to go
+five miles about.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+_The Tinker complains to the Courtier of a Butcher's Dog
+     that often assaulted him. The Courtier, in the
+           Tinker's habit, fights and kills him;
+         and of his Examination before a Justice._
+
+
+The Tinker being awarded with a crown for his dexterity, went away; but
+one day being in merry talk with our Courtier, he changed his tone
+sadly, and told him that a butcher, on such a road, kept a lion-like
+mastiff dog; that he was not so much afraid to encounter him, as that if
+he would kill him, the butcher as he told him, would send him to jail,
+and punish him at the next sessions, having one Justice Clodpole on his
+side, who was his landlord, and whose house he served with meat, and
+doubted not would hearken to anything he said against him although ever
+so false and unjust.
+
+Sir John having listened to his complaint, and laughed, bid him be of
+good cheer, for himself would try the dog adventure. Upon this he
+ordered some clothes to be brought, which the Tinker stripping, put on,
+and the Knight put on his, except his shirt, and taking his budget, pike
+staff, kettle, and hammer, away he went, beating his kettle, and crying,
+"Work for a Tinker," till he came near the butcher's house. The dog soon
+heard the tink, tink, and away he runs open-mouthed to meet the Tinker,
+they laughing to see how he would fright him; but Sir John having now
+thrown down his budget, was ready to receive him with the pike end of
+the staff, and after the dog wheeled, he returned and advanced eagerly
+to fly at his throat, but he thrust the pike of his staff into his
+breast; upon which he ran away howling, and tracing the ground with his
+blood, till he came to his master's, where he died. At this he was so
+much enraged, that he carried a constable, and seized the Knight, who
+purposely made no resistance. So taking him before a Justice, he made
+very great complaints against him.
+
+The Justice very gravely demanded what the fellow was brought before him
+for? The butcher said, "An't please your Worship, fur killing my
+servant." "Aye," said the Justice, "he looks like a bloody-minded
+villain, therefore write his mittimus, and see he be well-ironed, lest
+he make his escape."
+
+"I beseech your good Worship not to be so rash and hasty," said the
+Knight, "as to pass sentence upon me so hard. Pray ask this butcher what
+servant of his I killed?" "Ay," said the Justice, "let him speak." "Then
+in truth," said the Butcher, "I ought in conscience to speak the truth;
+it was but a dog, but such a dog, as I say I would not have taken the
+best five guineas in the country for. Do you see me, sir, he had rare
+qualities over other dogs; he would not only fetch home my sheep out of
+the field when I wanted them, and save me that trouble, but do you see,
+Mr. Justice, he would go a sheep-hunting, and drive me home a couple,
+and sometimes half a dozen of wild sheep, which nobody owned or I did
+not think fit to inquire after, or they after me; so that he made me a
+thriving man: besides he was the safeguard of my house, and I believe
+that he killed him on purpose that he might rob me."
+
+"Ay, ay," said the Justice; "all this is true, and you speak like an
+honest man, and he looks indeed like a rogue, and I believe you; but,
+however, we can't, indeed hang men for a dog, but I'll send him to jail,
+and there he shall lie and rot in his lousy linen, and drink
+kennel-water, and not one bit of meat, unless now and then a roasted
+turnip, cooled on a burdock leaf." "This is a very hard sentence,
+indeed, Mr. Justice," said our counterfeit Tinker. "No, no," replied the
+Justice, "it is too mild a one for such a villain as you are." But
+added, "I had like to have forgot a material point in his examination.
+Tell me, sirrah, how you came to kill this honest man's dog?" "Why,
+sir," said he, "with the pike end of my staff for running at me to bite
+me." "Aye, aye," said the Justice, "that was villainous in you; could
+you not have turned the other end, and given him a rap upon the pate?"
+"Yes," replied he, "if he had come to me with his tail foremost."
+
+"Prithee, show me," said the Justice, "how he came at thee?"--"I will
+show your worship; he came open mouthed, as I do to you now, crying,
+bow, wow, wow." And here running against the Justice, overthrew him in
+his chair to the ground; so that he most loudly cried out, "Murder!" and
+being got up he ordered his mittimus to be made, reviling him at a
+desperate rate. But all on a sudden the tables were turned; for no
+sooner being asked, but he told his name. When up starts the Justice,
+and coming unto him with a low reverence, "Oh! Sir John," said he, "Is
+it you! who could ever have thought it! I am heartily sorry for what I
+have said." Then turning to the butcher, who stood wondering, said,
+"Sirrah, you rascal, do you keep dogs to assault gentlemen? but I will
+teach you better manners; come bind him over to the sessions directly,
+and if he has no bail, take him to jail. This is a pretty thing indeed,
+that people cannot pass the road peaceably for such rogues as you
+keeping dogs." But Sir John interposing, all was pacified, and the
+butcher went home with a flea in his ear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                        HISTORY
+
+                        OF THE
+
+                      FOUR KINGS
+
+                         OF
+
+    Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland,
+
+            _Their Queens and Daughters;_
+
+                        BEING
+
+  The Merry Tales of TOM HODGE and his School-Fellows.
+
+
+
+
+    THE PREFACE.
+
+
+Not to detain the reader with many words to little purpose, I shall only
+here observe that Tom Hodge, with the rest of his old companions,
+belonging to the school of Cockermouth, were walking on a very pleasant
+morning in May, and having tired themselves with pranks and intrigues,
+towards evening they sat themselves down on a green bank, beneath a
+lovely oak, where they agreed amongst themselves that everyone should
+tell a tale, or pay a fine; and because Tom was the eldest scholar, it
+was concluded and agreed upon that he should begin first.
+
+    Says Tom, "With all my heart,
+    So I'll begin my part."
+
+
+    TALE I.
+
+Once upon a time, when the opinion was common in England that those
+whose age and experience enabled them to determine the consequences of
+certain actions were wizards and witches, there was a queen in this
+realm, whose name was Elizabeth; and by reason that the famous town of
+Lancaster was strangely pestered with witches, the queen sent some
+judges down to arraign and try them in order to bring them to justice.
+
+Now the news of this court being to be kept in Lancaster, spread through
+all the country, so that a husbandman living near forty miles from that
+place, hearing of this, news, and believing they were come to tell the
+folks whether they were witches or not, resolved to go to be satisfied
+in himself, for he was possessed with a fear that he was a witch,
+because he had a wart grew on his neck, which he imagined to be a dug.
+
+His wife, who had a friend in a corner, and was therefore glad of his
+absence, did not only give her consent, but also dressed him in his best
+leathern suit and broad-brimmed hat. So taking leave of his good wife
+Joan, he trudged on day and night until he came to the place where the
+court was kept; so rushing on and pressing through the crowd, the crier
+of the court believing him to be some evidence, gave orders that they
+should let him in, which was soon done, and he was required to speak
+what he had to say. "Why," says the countryman, "d'ye see, I've a dug
+upon my neck, which makes me afraid I am a witch, and volks tell me that
+these vine gentlemen (pointing to the judges) can tell a body whether
+one is a witch or no." The crier of the court seeing the simplicity of
+the man, said, "No, no, my friend, I can assure thee thou art no witch;
+thou lookest more like a cuckold than a witch or a conjurer." "I thank
+you, zur; and zo zays these vine gentlemen." Then having given three or
+four scrapes and half a dozen congees, he came back as wise as Waltham's
+calf. The next day he was met by his wife, who waited for his return at
+the town's end, to whom she said, "Well, husband, what do the gentlemen
+say? are you a witch or no?" "A witch, sweet wife, no; they tells a body
+one looks more like a cuckold than a witch, or a conjurer." "Why say
+you so?" replied she; "I prithee go back and have them taken up for
+witches; for except they had been so, they would not have known you were
+a cuckold."
+
+This merry tale so pleased them that they set up a hearty laugh, which,
+being ended, the second boy began his tale in the following manner.
+
+
+    TALE II.
+
+In the days of yore, when this land was governed by many kings, among
+the rest the king of Canterbury had an only daughter, and she was wise,
+fair, and beautiful. Her father sent forth a decree that whoever would
+watch one night with his daughter, and neither sleep nor slumber, he
+should have her the next day in marriage; but if he did either, he
+should lose his head. Many knights and squires attempted it, but lost
+their heads.
+
+Now, it happened a young shepherd, grazing his flock near the road, said
+to his master, "Zur, I zee many gentlemen ride to the court at
+Canterbury, but ne'er see 'em return again." "O, shepherd!" said his
+master, "I know not how they should; for they attempt to watch with the
+king's daughter, according to the decree, and not performing it, they
+are all beheaded." "Well," said the shepherd, "I'll try my vorton; zo
+now vor a king's daughter or a headless shepherd." And taking his bottle
+and bag, he trudged to court. Now, in his way, he was to cross a river,
+over which lay a plank; down he sits, and pulls off his shoes and
+stockings to wash his feet, lest the smell of his toes might be the
+means of keeping her awake. While he was washing his feet a fish came
+smelling and biting his toes; he caught it and put it into his bag:
+after which came a second, a third, and a fourth, which he caught and
+put in his bag likewise. This done, and dried his feet, he put on his
+stockings and shoes, and pursued his journey till he came to the palace,
+where he knocked loudly with his crook. He was no sooner let in, and
+having told his business, but he was conducted to a hall, prepared for
+that purpose, where the king's daughter sat ready to receive him; and
+the better to lull his senses, he was placed in a rich easy chair,
+having delicious wines for his supper, with many fine dishes of fruit,
+etc., of which the shepherd ate and drank plentifully, insomuch that he
+began to slumber before midnight. "O shepherd," said the lady, "I have
+caught you napping?" "Not, zweet ally, I was busy." "At what?" said she.
+"Why a feeshing." "Nay, shepherd, there is no fish-pond in the hall,"
+"No matter vor that, I have been feeshing." Says the lady, "Where do you
+fish?" "O," quoth he, "in my bag." "O me, have you catched e'er a one?"
+"Ay, lady," said he. "I'd willingly see it," replied she. "Ay, an't
+please you, you shall with all my heart." This said, he slyly drew one
+of the fishes out of his bag, at the sight of which she was greatly
+pleased, and praised it for a pretty fish: and withal said, "Dear
+shepherd, do you think you could catch one in mine too?" "Ay, ay,
+doubtless I can." Then he fell to fishing, and in a short time drew a
+second fish out of the bag pretending he drew it from her. The king's
+daughter was so pleased with it that she kissed it, declaring it was the
+finest she ever saw. And about half an hour after she said, "Shepherd,
+do you think you could get me one more?" He answered, "Mayhap I may,
+when I have baited my hook." "Then make haste, for I am impatient till I
+have another." Then the shepherd acted as before, and so presented her
+with another fish, which she also extolled and praised, saying, "It was
+ten times finer than the other;" and then gave him leave to sleep,
+promising to excuse him to her father.
+
+In the morning the king came into the hall as usual, followed by the
+headsman with a hatchet; but the lady cried out, "You may return with
+your hatchet, here is no work for you." "How so," said the king, "has
+he neither slumbered nor slept?" "No, royal father, he has not." "How
+has he employed himself?" "In fishing." "Why, there is never a
+fish-pond; where did he catch them?" "One in his own bag, and two in
+this one of mine." "Say you so? Well, friend, dost thou think thou
+can'st catch one in mine?" "An't please you, my liege, I believe I can."
+Then directing the king to lie down, he poked him with a packing needle,
+which made him cry out exceedingly; at which time he drew the other fish
+out of the bag, and showed it to the king. His majesty said, "He never
+knew such sort of fishing before; however, take my daughter, according
+to my royal decree." And so they were married, and the wedding kept in
+great triumph, and the shepherd became a king's son.
+
+"O that was mighty well," said the third boy, "he had wonderful good
+fortune. This puts me in mind of a story, which I will now tell in my
+turn."
+
+
+    TALE III.
+
+If I may believe my old grandmother, there lived in the county of
+Cumberland a nobleman, who had three sons. Two of them were comely and
+tall youths, wise and learned; the third a merry fool, and went often in
+a party-coloured coat and steeple crowned hat, at the top of which was a
+tassel In this dress he made a comical figure. At this time the king of
+Canterbury had a fine daughter, adorned with all the gifts of nature,
+joined to an ingenious education, she being very ripe-witted, as
+appeared by her ready answers and the comical questions she put forth.
+The king, her father, published a decree, that whoever should come to
+the court, and answer his daughter three questions, without study or
+stumbling, should have her in marriage, and also be heir to the crown at
+his decease. On publishing this decree, the said gentleman's two sons
+agreed between themselves to go and try how favourable fortune might be
+to them in this undertaking; but all their care was what they should do
+with their silly brother Jack; for, as they said, if he follows us, he
+will out with some foolish bolt, and so spoil our business. At length it
+was agreed on going to the court, to go out of the back door, which led
+to the road over several fields, about a mile from the house. They did
+so, but were no sooner got into the highway, but looking behind, they
+saw their brother Jack coming capering and dancing after them, saying,
+with a loud laughter, "So you are going to get a king's daughter, but I
+will pursue you." They saw there was no way to get rid of him, but by
+walking fast and leaving him behind, hoping thereby to get entrance
+before Jack, and then have the gates shut against him. They had not gone
+half a mile before Jack set up a great fit of laughter, at which one of
+his brothers said, "What's the fool found out now?" "Why, I've found an
+egg." "Put it in thy pocket," said his brothers. "Adad, and so I will,"
+says Jack. Presently after he was taken with another fit of laughter.
+"What's the fool found now?" "What have I found!" says Jack, "why a
+crooked stick." They bid him put that in his pocket also. "Ay, marry,
+will I." They had not walked much farther before Jack burst into a
+greater fit of laughter than before. His brothers said, "What's the fool
+found now?" "Found! why an orange." "Put that in your pocket likewise."
+"I intend it," says Jack. Now, by this time they were come near the
+palace gate, at which they no sooner knocked but they were admitted. But
+Jack never stood for ceremonies, but ran through the midst of the court,
+and as the wise brothers were making their addresses, Jack was laughing
+at the ladies, unto whom he said, "What a troop of fair ladies are got
+here!" "O yes, yes," said the king's daughter, who was among them, "we
+are fair ladies, for we carry fire in our bosom." "Do you?" said Jack;
+"then roast me an egg." "How will you get it out again?" "By a crooked
+stick which I have." "Ay, you will?" said she. "I have it in my pocket,"
+says Jack. In this Jack answered the three questions proposed. Then he
+was preferred to that honour which was mentioned in the decree. His two
+wise brothers then went home like two fools, and left foolish Jack to be
+reverenced at court with the king's fair daughter.
+
+Said the fourth boy, "This verifies the old proverb, 'Fools have
+fortune'; besides, it has put me in mind of a story that was told me by
+my aunt."
+
+
+    TALE IV.
+
+Long before Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, here reigned, in
+the easterly part of this land, a king who kept his court at Colchester.
+He was witty, strong and valiant, by which means he subdued his enemies
+abroad and planted peace among his subjects at home.
+
+Nevertheless, in the midst of all his earthly glory, his queen died,
+leaving behind her an only daughter, about fifteen years of age under
+the care of her royal husband. This lady, from her courtly carriage,
+beauty, and affability, was the wonder of all that knew her; but, as
+covetousness is the root of all evil, so it happened here.
+
+The king hearing of a lady who had likewise an only daughter, for the
+sake of her riches had a mind to marry her, though she was old, ugly,
+hook-nosed, and hump-backed, yet all could not deter him from marrying
+her. The daughter of the said piece of deformity was a yellow dowdy,
+full of envy and ill-nature; and, in short, was much of the same mould
+as her mother. This signified nothing, for in a few weeks the king,
+attended by the nobility and gentry, brought the said piece of deformity
+to his palace, where the marriage rites were performed. Long they had
+not been in the court before they set the king against his own beautiful
+daughter, which was done by false reports and accusations. The young
+princess, having lost her father's love, grew weary of the court, and on
+a certain day meeting with her father in the garden, she desired him,
+with tears in her eyes, to give her a small subsistence and she would go
+and seek her fortune, to which the king consented, and ordered her
+mother-in-law to make up a small sum according to her discretion. To her
+she went, who gave her a canvas bag of brown bread, a hard cheese, with
+a bottle of beer. Though this was but a very pitiful dowry for a king's
+daughter, she took it, returned thanks, and so proceeded, passing
+through groves, woods, and valleys, till at length she saw an old man
+sitting on a stone at the mouth of a cave, who said, "Good morning, fair
+maiden, whither away so fast?" "Aged father," says she, "I am going to
+seek my fortune." "What hast thou in thy bag and bottle?" "In my bag I
+have got bread and cheese, and in my bottle good small beer; will you
+please to partake of either?" "Yes," said he, "with all my heart." With
+that the lady pulled out her provision, and bid him eat and welcome. He
+did, and gave her many thanks, telling her there was a thick thorny
+hedge before her, which will appear to you impassable, but take this
+wand in your hand, strike three times, and say, "Pray hedge, let me come
+through;" and it will open immediately. Then a little further you will
+find a well, sit down on the brink of it, and there will come up three
+golden heads which will speak; and what they require, that do. Then
+promising she would, she took her leave of him. Coming to the hedge, and
+following the old man's direction, the hedge divided and gave her a
+passage. Then coming to the well, she had no sooner sitten down, but a
+golden head came up with a singing note, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down
+softly." "Yes," said the young lady; then putting forth her hand with a
+silver comb performed the office, placing it upon a primrose bank. Then
+came up a second, and a third, saying as the former, which she complied
+with; and then pulling out her provision, ate her dinner. Then said the
+heads one to another, "What shall we do for this lady, who hath used us
+so very kindly?" The first said, "I will cause such addition to her
+beauty as shall charm the most powerful prince in the world." The second
+said, "I will endow her with such perfume, both in body and breath, as
+shall far exceed the sweetest flowers." The third said, "My gift shall
+be none of the least, for as she is a king's daughter. I'll make her so
+fortunate that she shall become queen to the greatest prince that
+reigns." This done, at their request she let them down into the well
+again, and so proceeded on her journey. She had not travelled long
+before she saw a king hunting in the park with his nobles. She would
+have shunned him, but the king having a sight of her, made towards her,
+and between her beauty and perfumed breath, was so powerfully smitten
+that he was not able to subdue his passion, but proceeded on his
+courtship, where, after some compliments and kind embraces, he gained
+her love. And bringing her to his palace, he caused her to be clothed in
+the most magnificent manner.
+
+This being ended, and the king finding that she was the king of
+Colchester's daughter, ordered some chariots to be got ready that he
+might pay him a visit. The chariot in which the king and queen rode was
+beautified with rich ornamental gems of gold. The king, her father, was
+at first astonished that his daughter had been so fortunate as she was
+till the young king made him sensible of all that happened. Great was
+the joy at court among the nobility, except the queen and her
+club-footed daughter, who were ready to burst with malice, and envied
+her happiness; and the greater was their madness because she was now
+above them all. Great rejoicings, with feasting and dancing, continued
+many days. Then at length, with the dowry that her father gave her, they
+returned home.
+
+"Well," said the fifth boy, "had she not been kind and beautiful, such
+good fortune had never come to her lot. And pray what became of her
+hump-backed sister-in-law?" "Indeed I know not." "Why, then," said the
+fifth boy, "I can tell you something of her."
+
+
+    TALE V.
+
+She, perceiving that her sister was so happy in seeking her fortune,
+would needs do the same; so disclosing her mind to her mother, all
+preparations were made; not only rich apparel, but sweetmeats, sugar,
+almonds, etc., in great quantities, and a large bottle of Malaga sack.
+Thus furnished she went the same road as her sister, and coming near the
+cave, there sat the old man, who said, "Young woman, whither, so fast?"
+"What is that to you?" said she. Then said he, "What have you in your
+bag and bottle?" She answered, "Good things, what you shall not be
+troubled with." "Won't you give me some?" said he. "No, not a bit nor a
+drop, unless it would choke you." The old man frowned, saying, "Evil
+fortune attend thee." Going on, she came to the hedge, through which she
+espied a gap, where she thought to pass, but going in the hedge closed,
+and the thorns run into her flesh, so that with great difficulty she got
+out. Being now in a bloody condition, she looks for water to wash
+herself, and looking round she saw a well, and sitting down, one of the
+heads came up to her, saying, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down softly."
+But she banged it with her bottle, saying, "Hang you, take this for your
+washing." So the second and third heads came up, and met with no better
+welcome than the first. Whereupon the heads consulted among themselves
+what evils to plague her with for such usage. The first said, "Let her
+be struck with leprosy in her face." The second said, "Let an additional
+stink be added to her breath." The third bestowed on her a husband,
+though but a poor country cobbler. This done, she goes on till she came
+to a market town, and it being market day, the people smelt a stink,
+and seeing such a mangy face, all fled but a poor cobbler, who not long
+before had mended the shoes of an old hermit, who, having no money, gave
+him a box of ointment for the cure of the leprosy, and a bottle of
+spirits for a stinking breath. Now the cobbler having a mind to do an
+act of charity, was minded to try an experiment; so going up to her,
+asked her who she was? "I am," said she, "the king of Colchester's
+daughter-in-law." "Well," said the cobbler, "if I restore you to your
+natural complexion, and make a sound cure both in face and breath, will
+you in reward take me for a husband?" "Yes, friend," replied she, "with
+all my heart." With this the cobbler applied the remedies, and they
+worked the effect in a few weeks, which being done, they were married.
+After some few days spent in town, they set forward for the court at
+Colchester. At length coming there, and the queen understanding she had
+married nothing but a poor cobbler, fell into distraction, and in wrath
+hanged herself. The death of the queen pleased the king much, who was
+glad he had got rid of her so soon. Having buried her, he gave the
+cobbler one hundred pounds, on condition that he and his lady would quit
+the court. The cobbler received it, and promised he would. Then setting
+up his trade in a remote part of the kingdom, they lived many years, he
+mending shoes, and she spinning thread.
+
+Quoth the sixth boy, "I think for a king's daughter she hath spun a very
+fine thread, but now for my story."
+
+
+    TALE VI.
+
+A tinker in our town had but one daughter, whose name was Tib, and
+because her father would not let her marry a miller's man named Jobson,
+nothing would serve her but she must go and seek her fortune, so over
+hills and mountains, through groves and lonesome woods she passed, till
+at length she met with an old woman, who said unto Tib, "Where are you
+going?" "To seek service," says Tib. "Will you live with me?" replied
+the old woman; "my family is small, myself, my cat, and my dog." Tib
+answered, "With all my heart." So home they went to her cottage, which
+stood by the side of a grove on the bank of a pleasant river. She no
+sooner entered in at the door than she beheld the shelves furnished with
+abundance of earthen ware and glasses. She had not lived long with her
+before Tib had committed a fault, for which the old woman was resolved
+to break every bone in her skin. For that end she put her into a sack,
+and having tied the mouth of the same, she went to the grove to cut a
+stick; but while she was gone, Tib with a penknife opened the sack and
+got out; and put the dog and cat into it, filling it up with pans,
+pipkins, etc., then dragged it to the door, that the old woman might not
+come in to miss them, who, on her return, thinking that Tib had rolled
+thither, began to lay on like fury, when the dog howled, the cat mewed,
+and the pipkins cracked; while the old woman cries out, "Ah! howl if you
+will and be poxed, for before you come out of this sack I'll thrash your
+bones to chaff." Now Tib stood at a distance laughing to see how busy
+she was in destroying her own furniture, then fled for it, and never
+after returned.
+
+"It was well she did," replied the seventh boy, "or else the old woman
+would certainly have been revenged on Tib at last. But now for my story,
+which shall be the last at this meeting."
+
+
+    TALE VII.
+
+A young man having found a purse in which was five pounds, he made a
+proclamation that if anyone would lay any just claim to it to come to
+such a tavern, and they would have it again. To the tavern he went,
+where, in meat and drink, he spent a crown. At last when the young man
+was ready to go the owner came and demanded the purse, which he was
+ready to surrender; but the owner, on knowing a crown was spent, would
+not receive it, unless he made up the whole sum. The young man told him
+he could not; so an officer was sent for, but before he came the youth
+took to his heels, and ran for it with that swiftness, that, an ass
+standing in his way, he took hold of his tail to swing himself by, and
+twitched it off. A little farther he overthrew a woman with a child and
+caused her to fall. At length he was taken and brought before a justice
+by the three sufferers. Having heard their complaints he turned to the
+young man, and said, "Young man, several complaints are here laid
+against you, which I shall clear up. First, keep the money you have
+found, and trade with it till you have improved it so far as to make him
+satisfaction, and then let him have it. You take the ass, and work him
+till a new tail grows, then give him to his owner. And you take the
+woman home, till she is as quite recovered as she was before, and then
+send her home to her husband. So with these determinations he dismissed
+them."
+
+
+    TALE VIII.
+
+In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's End of England, namely the
+county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy farmer, who had one only son,
+commonly known by the name Jack Hornby. He was brisk and of a ready wit,
+so that whatever he could not perform by strength, he completed by
+ingenious wit and policy.
+
+For instance, when he was no more than seven years of age, his father
+sent him into the field to look after his oxen. The laird, by chance
+coming across the field, asked Jack many questions, particularly, "How
+many commands there were?" Jack told him there were nine. The laird
+replied there were ten. "Nay," quoth Jack, "sir, you are out of that; it
+is true there were ten, but you broke one of them when you coveted my
+father's bull." The landlord replied, "Thou art an arch wag, Jack."
+
+"But, sir," says Jack, "can you tell me how many sticks goes to build a
+crow's nest?" "Why," says the landlord, "there are as many goes as are
+sufficient for the size of the nest." "Oho, you are out again, sir,"
+quoth Jack, "there is none goes, they are all carried."
+
+The landlord finding himself so fooled, trudged away, leaving Jack in a
+fit of laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                     THE PENNY
+
+                   BUDGET OF WIT
+
+                       AND
+
+                PACKAGE OF DROLLERY.
+
+                _Scottish Prudence._
+
+
+A parish clerk in the north of England, not long ago, hired a Scotchman
+for his servant, who was to go to the cart and plough, and do other
+occasional jobs when wanted. In the course of conversation at hiring,
+the clerk asked him, if he could submit to the unpleasant business of
+digging graves; to which he exclaimed, "I'll warrant ye, maister, I
+could dig doon the kirk for that matter; but let me see, I hasn't been
+put to that wark yet; aye, our auld bellman at Jedburgh used to say, he
+never had better pay nor better jobs than howking holes for fowk--faith
+he was aye merry when folk dee'd." It happened soon after entering on
+his service, that there was a severe storm of snow, which impeded all
+out-door work. One morning he came to his master, and asked him what
+employment he was to go to that day. The employer hesitated for some
+moments, and at last told him, he could find nothing for him to do.
+Sawney, with great gravity, replied, "I think, maister, I'll awa up to
+the kirkyard an' howk some graves; we may as weel hae a wheen ready, for
+they may come faster in when they ken we are prepared for them."
+
+
+    _Scottish Atmosphere._
+
+An English gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately
+accompanied by wet weather most of the time When he set out from Glasgow
+to Greenock, the morning was very fine. However, before he had proceeded
+half way, he was overtaken by a heavy shower. "Boy," says he to a little
+fellow herding near the road-side, "does it always rain in this
+country!" "Na," replied the boy, "it sometimes snaws."
+
+
+    _Liberty of the Press._
+
+A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers to his family,
+and when expressing the title "Liberty of the Press in France," one of
+his daughters interrupted him by asking what the liberty of the press
+meant? "I'll soon answer that question," said he: "You know when your
+mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, where the
+bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you have access--That's the liberty
+o' the press."
+
+
+    _Donald and the Laird._
+
+A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward; at the first
+English Inn, the room in where they were to sleep contained a bed for
+the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the
+larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook
+the four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the
+tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging below. Finding
+himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know
+how he was accommodated. "Ne'er sae weel a' my life," quoth the gilly.
+"Ha, mon," exclaimed the Laird, "if it wasna for the honour of the
+thing, I could find in my heart to come down."
+
+
+    _How to read a Sign-Board._
+
+A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a sign-board
+above an entry, with the following inscription:--
+
+    Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies,
+          Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of
+                Confectionery Goods
+                sold down this entry,
+                read it as follows:--
+    Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.
+          Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of
+                Confusionery Goods,
+                sold down this entry.
+
+
+    _How to Escape Robbery._
+
+A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between Paisley and
+Greenock on horseback, some time since, had occasion to come off his
+horse, when the reins slipped from among his fingers: the horse finding
+himself at liberty immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed,
+determined to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse. The
+night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till he met with two
+men, whom he accosted with, "Did you see a horse without a rider?" when
+he was immediately collared. He thought it diversion; says he, "That's
+no a way to use a man in the dark;" and endeavouring to shake himself
+clear, when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and firmer
+holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which his deafness
+deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to get clear fruitless, and
+dreading they had nothing in view but an intention to rob him, it
+instantly occurred to him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top
+of his boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulled it
+up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and exclaimed, "If
+you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your brains out in a moment!" They
+jumped over a hedge, and were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man
+called after them, "Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o'
+baith o' you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye dinna
+ken what deadly weapons he carries."
+
+
+    _Daft Will Speirs._
+
+Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay his regular
+daily visit, met his Lordship, who seemed not to notice him. The Earl
+being only on a walk of pleasure through his policies, soon came in
+contact with Will again sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge
+bone. "Ay, ay;" says the Earl, "what this you've got noo, Will." "Ay,
+ay," says Will, "anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed by me awee
+sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me."
+
+
+    _How to find Work._
+
+A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the
+country, took along with him a prentice, when they set to work, and
+continued to work for some days. The gentleman having no conception the
+job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and found the
+apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the
+continuation of them working so long, and inquired what had become of
+his master, to which the boy replied, "He's awa to Glasgow to look for a
+job, and if he got ane, this ane would be done the morn, and if he didna
+get ane, he didna ken when it would be done."
+
+
+    _Will Scott._
+
+A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for his activity in
+the execution of his orders, as well as for taking a bit comfortable
+guzzle when finances would afford it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated
+in a pew behind the bailies at church. Will had not been there long till
+he was soon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated along
+with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin; and in a short
+time the reckoning came a-paying when some of the party insisted it was
+already paid. However, Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true
+to his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of the
+sermon, "No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had just ae
+half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a fardin o't
+pay't."
+
+
+    _Grave-Digger of Sorn._
+
+The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and as mean a sinner
+as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. He was a very querulous
+and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind
+through a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an
+acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked
+how the world was moving with him. "Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly
+indeed," was the answer, "the yard has done nothing ava for us this
+summer,--if you like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this
+sax weeks."
+
+
+    _Scottish Parrot._
+
+A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking itself in the
+sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which happened to be passing over
+it, suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk
+flew with his prey. When passing over a garden Poll observed his old
+friend the gardener, and exclaimed, "I'm ridin' noo, John Laurie." Hawky
+alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when
+after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared
+out with all its might, "Will you bite, you rascal." The hawk terrified
+out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards
+at pleasure.
+
+
+    _The Restless Haggis._
+
+Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow. Babie
+kept a lodging-house for sailors. One Saturday night Babie was making a
+Haggis for Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of
+quick-silver into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will was left
+at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the haggis
+would be out of the pot. Will, faithful to his charge, held the lid on
+the pot until his patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the
+church for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned to her
+two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be
+quiet. At last he bawled out, "Babie, come hame, for I believe the
+de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no bide in the pat; it's out dancing
+on the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have
+been at the kirk as soon's mysel."
+
+
+    _Expense of a Wife._
+
+An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as regards
+food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as some bachelors
+sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the
+propriety of taking a wife. He was very smartly set upon one day, and
+told how snod a wife would keep him, and many other fine things to
+induce him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it would
+be to him, if it was for naething else but to make his parritch in the
+morning. Says he, "I dinna doubt but she wad mak my parritch, but the
+plague is, she wad be fair to sup the hauf o' them."
+
+
+    _An Honest M'Gregor._
+
+Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter (alias sheep-stealer), in the
+north Highlands, being at last overtaken by the grim tyrant of the human
+race, was visited by the minister of the parish, whose appearance,
+however, was by no means agreeable to Donald. The holy man warmly
+exhorted the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and black
+catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise he would have a
+tremendous account to give at the great day of retribution, when all the
+crimes he had committed in this world would appear in dreadful array, as
+evidence of his guilt. "Och! sir," cries the dying man, "an' will a' the
+sheeps an' the cows, an' ilka thing Tonal has helped hersel to, be
+there?" "Undoubtedly," replied the parson. "Then let ilka shentleman tak
+her nain, an' Tonal will be an honest man again."
+
+
+    _Negro and the Musquito._
+
+A West Indian who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in
+his chair, a negro boy who was waiting, observed a musquito hovering
+round his face. Quasi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw
+him alight on his master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah! bless
+your heart," exclaimed the negro, "me right glad see you burn your
+foot."
+
+
+    _A Brush for the Barber._
+
+A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow a few
+days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and after
+having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Twopence," said the
+Highlander. "No, no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny, if that
+does not satisfy you take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and
+asked what he had got to pay? "A penny," said strap. "I'll gie you a
+bawbee," said Duncan, "an' if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard
+again."
+
+
+    _The Kellochsyde Grace._
+
+The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer of
+Kellochsyde, or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:--"O Lord, we'r ay gangan, an
+we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be coman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We
+leive in the gude mailen o' Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale,
+puir sinfou sons of evil that we are. Monie mercies we receive gude
+trowth; and we're little thankfou for them, gude feth Janet, rax by the
+spunes, and a' praise and glory sall be thine. Amen."
+
+
+    _New Method of Teaching Music._
+
+A Highland piper having a scholar to teach, disdained to crack his mind
+with the names of semibreves, minims, crotchets, and quivers--"Here,
+Donald," said he, "tak your pipies, lad, and gi's a blast--so, very weel
+blaun indeed; but what is sound Donald without sense?--ye may blaw for
+ever, without makin' a tune o't, if I dinna tell you how thae queer
+things on the paper maun help you--you see that big fellow wi' a round
+open face (pointing to a semibreve between the two lines of the bar), he
+moves slowly, slowly, from that line to this, while you beat ane wi'
+your fit, and gi'e a blast: if now ye put a leg to him, ye mak' twa o'
+him and he'll move twice as fast; gif ye black his face, he'll rin four
+times faster than the fallow wi' the white face; but if, after blackin'
+his face, ye'll bend his knee, or tie his legs, he'll trop eight times
+faster than the white faced chap that I showed you first. Now, whene'er
+you blaw your pipes, Donald, remember this, the tighter the fallow's
+legs are tied, the faster they will rin, and the quicker they are sure
+to dance."
+
+
+    _Long-Winded Preacher._
+
+A Parson in the country taking his text in St. Matthew, chapter viii.
+verse 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for
+three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after two fellows going
+across the churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other
+who it was for. "Nay I can't tell; perhaps," replied he, "it's for
+Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three
+weeks."
+
+
+    _Distinction of Sons and Daughters._
+
+About the year thretty-sax, a company differed "Whether it was better
+for a man to ha'e sons or dochters." They could not 'gree, but disputed
+it _pro_ and _con_. At last one of them said to Graham of Kinross (wha
+hadna yoked wi' them in the argument), "Laird, what's your opinion?"
+Quo' he, "I had three lads and three lassies; I watna whilk o' them I
+liked best say lang as they sucket their mither; but de'll ha'e my share
+o' the callants when they cam to suck their father."
+
+
+    _Patrimony and Matrimony._
+
+At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman asked one of the
+scholars by what name they called property that descended from a father?
+"Patrimony," answered the scholar; "And what do you call it when
+descended from a mother?" "Matrimony," was the reply.
+
+
+    _An Officer's Wife._
+
+One of the town's officers of Ayr was struck severely by accident on the
+head by his wife. After the fray was adjusted, the wife said to her
+husband, "Henry, had I killed you, and I been hanged for it, would you
+marry Kate M'Lauchlan?"
+
+
+    _Highlander and Parrot._
+
+An honest Highlander walking along Holborn, heard a cry, "Rogue Scot,
+Rogue Scot." His northern blood fired at the insult, drew his broad
+sword, looking round him on every side to discover the object of
+indignation. At last he found it came from a parrot, perched on a
+balcony within his reach, but the generous Scot disdaining to stain his
+trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a
+sour smile, saying, "Gin ye were a man, as ye're a green geese, I would
+split your weem."
+
+
+    _An Irishman._
+
+An Irishman one day was walking on the streets of Belfast, found a light
+guinea, and got 18s. for it. Next day he was walking, and sees another,
+and says, "Allelieu, dear honey, I'll have nothing to do with you, for I
+lost 3s. by your brother yesterday."
+
+
+    _Captain Silk._
+
+In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had
+arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, "What a name for a
+soldier!" "The fittest name in the world," replied a witty female, "for
+Silk can never be Worsted."
+
+
+    _A Clever Son._
+
+A Farmer's son, who had been some time at the university, came home to
+visit his father and mother; and being one night with the old folks at
+supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by the rules of logic
+and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls to be three. "Well, let
+us hear," said the old man. "Why, this," said the scholar, "is one and
+this," continued he, "is two; two and one, you know, make three." "Since
+you ha'e made it out sae weel," answered the old man, "your mother shall
+ha'e the first fowl, I'll ha'e the second, and the third you may keep to
+yoursel."
+
+
+    _Breaking the Commandments._
+
+A Clergyman who wished to know whether the children of the parishioners
+understood their Bibles, asked a lad that he one day found reading the
+Old Testament, who was the wickedest man? "Moses, to be sure," said the
+boy. "Moses!" exclaimed the parson, "how can that be?" "Why," said the
+lad, "because he broke all the commandments at once."
+
+
+    _Not Lost but Drowned._
+
+A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, came to the ford
+of a dark river, at the side of which a boy was diverting himself. The
+traveller addressed him as follows:--"Is this water deep?" "Ay, gaen
+deep," answered the boy. "Is there ever any person lost here?" "No,"
+replied the boy, "there was never any lost; there has been some drowned,
+but we aye get them again."
+
+
+    _A Just Remark._
+
+A certain son of St. Crispian, who resides in Paisley, lifting up his
+four cornered hat the other morning in a hurry, found it filled with his
+wife's fal-de-ral-lals; in a fit of wrath he exclaimed "Gudesake, Janet,
+what the de'il gars you stap a' the trash in the house intil a body's
+hat." "Trash, indeed!" exclaimed the indignant spouse, "stap it on your
+ain head, and the biggest trash in the house'll be in't."
+
+
+    _Scotchman and Irishman._
+
+A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn together. The
+weather being rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of
+the bed. A traveller, in passing the room door, saw him in this
+situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon
+Sawney's heel; who drawing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his
+companion, that he exclaimed, "Arrah, honey, have a care of your great
+toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv." The Scotchman
+being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by
+other companies, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his patience being
+quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney, who, not a little surprised
+at finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, "De'il tak' the daft
+chiel of a hostler, he's ta'en my boots aff last night and left on the
+spur."
+
+
+    _Charity._
+
+A person who resides in the ancient town of Kilwinning, was proverbial
+for his liberality in meat and drink to friends and acquaintances.
+Strangers, too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of
+kindness. Lately while feasting nearly a dozen of random visitors on
+"Pat Luck," a beggar called at the door soliciting charity, when he very
+good humouredly called out, "I canna help you the day, I ha'e plenty o'
+your kin' here already."
+
+
+
+
+    _Shooting the Devil._
+
+
+A Scotch parson preaching upon these words, "Resist the devil, and he
+will fly from you," began thus:--"My beloved, you are all here to-day,
+but wot ye who is among ye, even the meikle horned devil. You cannot see
+him, but by the eye of faith I see him. But some of you say, what will
+we do with him now we have him here? How shall we destroy him? We will
+hang him. Alas, my beloved, there are not so many tows in the parish as
+will hang him, he is as light as a feather. Then some of you will say we
+will drown him. Humph, my beloved, there is owre muckle cork in his leg,
+he's as souple as an eel, he will not sink. Others of you will say, we
+will burn him. Na, na, sirs, you may scald yourselves, but you canna
+burn him, for a' the fire in Hades could never yet singe a hair o' his
+tail. Now, sirs, ye canna find a way among you all to kill him, but I
+will find it. What way will this be, sirs? We will even shoot him.
+Wherewith shall we shoot him? We shall shoot him with the Bible. Now,
+sirs, I shall shoot him presently." So, presenting the Bible, as
+soldiers do their muskets, he cries out, "Toot! toot! toot! Now he is
+shot. There lies the foul thief as dead as a herring."
+
+
+
+
+    _Long Credit._
+
+
+Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through
+the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm house of Swanston, near the
+Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They
+immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon finding a web of
+coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as
+they thought would make a coat to each. The woman was exceedingly
+incensed at their rapacity, roared and cried, and even had the hardihood
+to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried,
+"ye'll ha'e to account for this yet." "And when will we pe account
+for't?" asked one of the Highlanders. "At the last day, ye blackguards!"
+exclaimed the woman. "Ta last day," replied the Highlander; "Tat be coot
+lang chredit-we'll e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time
+cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.
+
+
+
+
+    _Bird's Nest._
+
+
+The mother of a respectable grocer in a town in the west, called her son
+to her, while on her death bed, and declared to him that his reputed
+father was not really his father; but that such a one (naming him)
+really was his father; and that the deed was done one night when
+travelling from Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head. This story got
+wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine source of
+amusement for some time. One day a boy vulgarly named the "Linty," went
+into the said grocer's shop to purchase some article, when he was
+assailed with "Weel Linty, whar is'tu gaun to big thy nest the year?"
+The boy replied, "I was thinkin' to big it doon about the
+Clun-Brae-Head."
+
+
+
+
+    _Elder's Hours._
+
+
+A cunning carle invested with the semi-sacred office of "Ruling Elder,"
+or practically seemingly identified with that office, in order to
+gratify an inclination, scratched wi' the neb o' a fork the figure 10 on
+the one side of his outer door, and figure 11 on the other; by which
+plan he was able to say wi' "a good conscience," at a' times, and on a'
+occasions, that he came aye hame atween ten and eleven.
+
+
+
+
+    _The Thistle._
+
+
+A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, an Englishman
+took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty
+boast of its motto, "Nemo me impune lacessit," when a Scotchman present
+observed, "The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scotish nation, but it
+is nothing in the mouth of an ass."
+
+
+
+
+    _Cold Gentleman._
+
+
+In the west of Scotland, some time ago, there happened to be an auction
+of books. A book-buyer who attended the sale, was summoned by his son to
+supper, according to the directions of his mother. The boy flurried by
+the presence of the audience, and in his attempt to be as explicit
+as possible, thus cried out, "Fayther, yer parritch is ready." "Very well,
+my dear," said the father, and at the door gave him a salute _a
+posteriori_, which was repeated with the following injunction--"Recollect
+rascal, when you come again, to say _a gentleman_ wants me." Next evening
+up comes the boy according to direction. "Is my Fayther here?" "Yes,"
+said the father. "_A gentleman_ wants ye." "Very well, my man," was
+repeated by the boy's parent; but little time elapsed when the boy
+returned; "What now, my man," said the old book worm. "Oh naething,"
+said his son, "but gin ye dinna rin fast _the gentleman_ will
+be quite cauld."
+
+
+
+
+    _Dougal Graham._
+
+
+Dougal Graham, author of the well-known metrical history of the
+rebellion in 1745, being candidate for the place of town bellman in the
+City of Glasgow, was desired to call "Gude fresh herrings new come in at
+the Broomielaw." It not being the season for herrings, Dougal added,
+
+"But, indeed, my friends, it's a blaeflum,
+
+"For the herrings no catch'd, and the boats no come," which procured for
+Dougal the situation.
+
+Dougal was a kind of Scotch Æsop, he had a large humph on one of his
+shoulders, and like his patrotype had wit. Calling in the street of the
+Gallowgate, opposite the Saracen's Head Inn, where several officers of
+the gallant 42d regiment were dining, at the close of the American war,
+some of whom knew Dougal before they went abroad, opening the window,
+called out, "What's that you've got on your back, Dougal?" Knowing what
+the regiment suffered at Bunker's Hill, Dougal replied, "It's _Bunker's
+Hill_; do you choose to mount?"
+
+
+
+
+    _A New Way to Wauken Sleepers in Church._
+
+
+Mr. Ogilvie, minister of the parish of Lunan in the county of Forfar,
+had a great deal of eccentricity in his composition. One Sunday an old
+woman, who kept a public-house in the parish, with whom Mr. Ogilvie was
+well acquainted, fell asleep in the church during sermon--not an
+uncommon occurrence. Her neighbour kept jogging in order to awake her.
+Mr. Ogilvie observing this, cried out, "Let her alane, I'll wauken her
+mysel', I'll warrant ye." "Phew! Phew! (_whistling_) a bottle o' ale and
+a dram, Janet." "Comin', sir," was instantly replied. "There now," says
+the minister, "I tald ye it wadna be lang afore I waken'd her."
+
+
+
+
+    _Sage Instruction._
+
+
+A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of Perthshire,
+whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire out of the house.
+Janet says to him--"Oh! you be gang awa', Duncan, gang awa'!" The man,
+however, kept loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with
+something of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, "You speak
+a me, Shanet! you speak a me." The wife asks, "What you say, Duncan?"
+"Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!"
+"What for Duncan?" "Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet, an' tell _him to make
+her a laddie_."
+
+
+
+
+    _The Purse and the Penny Siller._
+
+
+Three young Highlanders, some years ago, set out from their native
+hills, to seek a livelihood amongst their countrymen in the Lowlands.
+They had hardly learned any English. One of them could say, "We three
+Highlandmen;" the second, "For the purse and the penny siller;" and the
+third had properly learned, "And our just right too;" intending thus to
+explain the motives o' their journey. They trudged along, when, in a
+lonely glen, they saw the body of a man who had been recently murdered.
+The Highlanders stopped to deplore the fate of the unhappy mortal, when
+a gentleman with his servant came up to the spot. "Who murdered this
+poor man?" said the gentleman, "We three Highlandmen," answered the
+eldest of the brothers (thinking the gentleman inquired who they were).
+"What could induce you to commit so horrid a crime?" continued the
+gentleman. "The Purse and the Penny Siller," replied the second of the
+travellers. "You shall be hanged, you miscreants!" "And our just right
+too," returned the third. The poor men were thus brought to the gallows
+on their own evidence, and presumption of guilt.
+
+
+
+
+    _Lump of Old Wood._
+
+
+An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three-footed stool in
+the gallery of the old Church of Falkirk, during divine service happened
+to fall asleep, tumbled on the floor with a great noise. The preacher
+stopped and demanded the reason of the noise. "Nothing, sir," cries a
+wag, "but a lump of Old Wood fallen down."
+
+
+
+
+    _The Great Want._
+
+
+A female pauper lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the
+elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d. Some
+one of the grave quorum inquired what made her so urgent on this
+occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals, shoes, etc. To this
+she replied, "Why, deed, sirs, it's just to buy a pair o' corsets to my
+daughter Tibbie, ilk lass that's ocht respectable has them but hersel',
+so ye see she canna do wantin them, an' ye maun e'en let me ha't sirs."
+
+
+
+
+    _The Devil Defined._
+
+
+The Rev. Mr. Shirra, burgher minister in Kirkcaldy, once gave the
+following curious definition of the devil:--"The devil, my brethren, is
+ill ony way ye'll tak him. Tak' the D from his name, he's _evil_; tak'
+the E from his name, he's _vil_; tak' the V from his name, he's _il_;"
+then shrugging up his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout,
+he said with peculiar emphasis, "He's naething but an _il_, _vil_,
+_evil_, Devil, ony way ye'll tak' him!"
+
+
+
+
+    _Mark me Well._
+
+
+A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately met a boy going with a
+pot of tar to mark his master's sheep, asked the road to Banff, but was
+directing by so many turnings, right and left, that he agreed to take
+the boy behind him on the horse as he was going near to the same place.
+Finding the boy pert and docile, he gave him some wholesome advice
+relative to his future conduct, adding occasionally, "Mark me well, my
+boy." "Yes, sir, I do." He repeated the injunction so often, that the
+boy at last cried out, "Sir, I have no more tar!"
+
+
+
+
+    _Death of a Watch._
+
+
+After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed
+extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer, who had been
+killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye, which the man taking
+notice of said to him, "Tamn you gapin' greedy bitch, gang and shoot a
+shentleman for hersel', an' no envie me o' my pit watch."
+
+Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his comrade, says
+to him, "Och! she no be care muckle about a watch, an' you be like mine,
+what will ye gi'e me for her?" The other replied, "I be venture a
+kinny." "Weel then," said the other, "Shust tak her, an' welcome, for
+she be die yester night."
+
+
+
+
+    _Our Lawful Sovereign._
+
+
+An English Officer Dining With Lord Saltoon Some Years After the Battle
+of Culloden, his Lordship was adverting to the strong attachment
+manifested by the generality of Buchan to the unfortunate house of
+Stuart, and particularly remarked the devoted loyalty of his gardener,
+whom no bribe or entreaty could in the smallest degree influence. "I'll
+bet 50 guineas," said the Englishman, "that I shall make him drink the
+health of King George." "Done!" replied his Lordship. The honest
+gardener was called in. The officer began by praising his fidelity and
+loyalty to his prince; pressed him to drink some glasses of wine; and
+when he thought him a little off his guard from the effects of the
+generous liquor, he began thus:--"Now, my friend, I know you are a good
+Christian and wish well to every human being; you can certainly have no
+objection to drink the health of King George? Come, my worthy fellow, a
+bumper to the health of his Majesty." "Here's to the health of our
+_lawful_ Sovereign," said the gardener. "Bless you, sir," cried the
+officer, "That's not King George?" "I am very much of your opinion,"
+replied the man, making a profound bow and retiring.
+
+
+
+
+    _Down the Rotten Row._
+
+
+A few years ago, when resurrectionists throughout the country were
+become very common, a person of respectability was interred in the High
+Church burying ground of Glasgow. The relatives who were persons of
+property, hired a few hungry weavers, who generally at that time were
+_atomies_ ready made, to watch the grave of their deceased relative;
+these, as they were one night on duty, perceived some persons enter, the
+churchyard; they kept snug till such time as they could learn the object
+of their visit. It was not long before the intruders opened a grave,
+took out the corpse, put it into a sack and left it at the grave, and
+went in search of something else. One of the weavers, a droll fellow,
+said to his comrade, "Take out the corpse, and I'll go into the sack,
+but do you observe the proceedings." In a little time the resurrection
+men returned, and one of them getting the sack upon his back marched
+off. When they got to the street, the one says to the other, "Which way
+will we take?" When the weaver putting out his hand and gripping the
+fellow who was carrying him, by the hair, bawled out, "Down the Rotten
+Raw, ye beggar." He was soon set down, and the man who carried him went
+mad of the fright.
+
+
+
+
+    _Resurrection Men._
+
+
+Some years ago, a poor boy, whose mother was buried in the churchyard of
+Falkirk, used frequently to sit on her grave, and when destitute of
+other accommodation, would crawl in below one of the gravestones, and
+slept there for the night. On one of these occasions, the boy was roused
+from his sleep by the noise of some voices in the churchyard. This was
+nothing more than a couple of resurrection men who had come on purpose
+to begin that great work rather prematurely; and as those who are raised
+before their due time cannot be supposed capable of standing on their
+legs, they had provided themselves with a horse to gi'e them a lift.
+They were then disputing about how they could secure the beast, while
+they were raising the corpse. The lad hearing this, and creeping out of
+his hole, cries, "I'll haud him," expecting some remuneration no doubt.
+The fellows seeing a resurrection commencing from under a stone, and
+hearing the offer of holding the horse, scampered off and left the
+animal, with a couple of sacks; and although the horse and sacks were
+advertised, they were never claimed, but sold for the benefit of the
+boy, which procured him better lodging than beneath a grave stone.
+
+
+
+
+    _March of Intellect._
+
+
+Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyle Street,
+Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, "No dogs to enter here." "No dogs
+to enter here!" exclaimed one of them, "I'm sure there's no use for that
+there." "What way, Jock," replied the other. "'Cause dogs canna read
+signs," said he. "Ha, ha, Jock, ye're maybe wrang, I'se warran ye gentle
+folks' dogs 'ill ken't brawly, for there's schools, noo, whar they learn
+the dumb baith to read and speak."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                    MERRY CONCEITS
+
+                         OF
+
+                      TOM LONG
+
+                    THE CARRIER
+
+    Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which
+               he observed in his Travels.
+
+    _Full of Honest Mirth and Delight._
+
+
+    Of all the Toms that ever yet was named,
+    Was ever any Tom like Tom Long framed?
+    Tom Tram, who now as many mad pranks shows,
+    Unto Tom Long will prove a mere goose.
+
+    Tom Thumb is dumb, until the pudding creep,
+    In which he was entomb'd, then out doth peep;
+    Tom Fool may go to school, but ne'er be taught,
+    Such rare conceits with which Tom Long is fraught.
+
+    Tom Ass may pass, but only for his ears,
+    No such rich jewels as our Tom Long he wears;
+    Tom Tell-truth is but froth, but truth to tell,
+    From all these Toms, Tom Long doth bear the bell.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _How Tom Long at first set up the trade of being a Carrier,
+                and where he took up his Lodging._
+
+
+Tom Long, the subject of this discourse, having spent some few years
+like a wandering Jew, oft visiting the coasts of Essex and Kent, where
+he did many notable exploits, sometimes cheating the calves-heads of
+their money, by the virtue of hocus pocus, having learned the art of
+legerdemain. Other times he used, as opportunity served, to rob the
+hen-roost. At last, his cheating tricks were so well known, that the
+country kicked him out like a knave as he was, and he was willing to be
+gone as they to be rid of him, soon gave them three slips for a teaster,
+and travelled towards Gotham, where he, well knowing what wit those wise
+men had in their noddles, took up his abode near the place where the men
+made a hedge to keep in the cuckoo all the year. Not long after, he set
+up his trade of being a carrier; under pretence of which he with ease
+played his pranks, and the wisdom of these men was such, that he cheated
+them of all, and yet the fools had no mistrust of him. And having set
+him up, he found great store of small doings, and above all others, the
+men of Gotham and Dunstable would employ him; who, being more knave than
+fool, ever advised some cheating trick or other to gull those idiots;
+for let him go out ever so full, he would be sure to come home empty,
+telling them one mischance or other had befallen him. He took up his
+lodging at the sign of the Whip and Egg-Shell in Thieving Lane, not far
+from Charing Cross, where Dunstable men are sure to find him; if not,
+they may go into Turn-again Lane, and come back again as wise as they
+went in.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man upon
+             the way, with what happened to them,
+           and how they were entertained by an Hostess._
+
+
+Tom Long being newly set up a carrier, as he was travelling he happened
+to take up a young lad, who had straggled from his parents to play the
+truant, which Tom perceiving, entertained him into his service; but they
+had not gone far before their stomachs were up, so they resolved at the
+next place to take a bit, where, as soon as they came, they demanded
+what was for to eat. The hostess, being one of Seldom Cleanly's
+daughters, said there was nothing but eggs, of which, she said, she
+would make them a froize; and seeing them to come in, in a full breast
+and an empty stomach, she (like a slut as she was) resolved to give them
+their bellies full before they went; and so, with some three or four
+good eggs, she mixed as many bad ones, some addle and rotten, and others
+ready for to hatch; and having set them down at a certain wash block,
+which served instead of a table, she set before them as good a froize as
+any woman possibly could make of coarse materials, making her sauce
+alike suitable, being nothing else but kitchen stuff melted a
+little--oil as good as ever was burned. Tom and the young man fell
+presently to it, with stomachs as greedy as hogs, swallowing down all by
+wholesale, tag-rag and long-tail, without any chewing, although they
+conceited something cracking in their teeth like young bones. Yet
+hunger, which is the best sauce, made every morsel sweet, although it
+had but an ill going down with it, and worse troubled their patience
+afterwards, for they had no sooner eaten of it, but like squeezy
+stomachs they began to cast backwards and forwards; and being in this
+pitiful pickle, they called for their hostess, who, thinking to receive
+her reckoning, was paid in her own coin; for, having some of their
+froize left, Tom furiously cast it on her face, which stuck as fast as
+a plaister to the wall, insomuch that for a while she lost her eyesight;
+which being done, Tom departed without paying anything for his dinner.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Tom and his Young Man discoursed of their Dinner,
+         and how they resolved to mend the matter at night,
+                but met with as bad Entertainment._
+
+
+Tom and his man being now on their way, began to discourse of their
+dinner, and how prettily they served their hostess; but still conceited
+that they heard these young chickens which they had eaten in their
+froize cry, "Peep, peep, peep," and having cast up all again, their
+bellies began to cry "Cupboard," whereupon Tom, to comfort his young
+man, told him they would be sure to have a good host at night, and good
+fare to. But "like to like," quoth the devil to the collier, out of the
+frying-pan into the fire; for their new host proved not only a knave,
+but a thief, and instead of dainty veal, provided for them part of a
+young colt, which, being foaled before its time, ate very tenderly; and
+going to supper, the host, like a flattering knave, told them he would
+feast them bravely; and they, not mistrusting anything, fed most
+courageously, having for to please their pallets several kinds of dishes
+made thereof, the host still crying, "You are welcome, gentlemen,"--all
+which they swallowed down as greedily as the lawyer his fee. And having
+filled their ungodly guts with this supposed good cheer, they hastened
+to bed, where the fleas fed as fast on their corpse as they had done
+upon this new found veal, insomuch that they looked as if they had the
+smallpox. In the morning (thinking to have breakfast of the same) they
+missed their coats and other things, which their host had thievishly
+deprived them of. So, searching the house about, they found hanging in a
+corner some pieces of flesh, which they supposed to be part of the veal
+they had eaten of; but by the ears of the skin which hanged by, they saw
+plainly it was an ass, and that they were once more made fools of;
+whereupon Tom caused his host to be apprehended, who was committed to
+prison about their goods, where Tom left him and departed.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Tom relates how a certain counterfeit Merchant cheated
+         divers Gentlemen of very great sums of Money._
+
+
+In the North of England arrived a pretended merchant, but, indeed, a
+very cheating knave, who, residing there a while, came to be greatly
+acquainted with divers gentlemen, who, looking on him as one of great
+account, at last he received several great sums of money which he was to
+pay at London, upon the receipt of which he gave every man a bill of
+exchange, receiving of some twenty pounds, some thirty, some forty,
+fifty, some a hundred pounds; and, having pretty well feathered his
+nest, leaving those gentlemen to receive their money where they could
+get it, he departed beyond sea; and when the gentlemen came to receive
+their money, they could neither find nor hear of their merchant: whereat
+they were very much vexed, as well as they might be, to see how they
+were cheated of their money. But their hopes are that they shall have it
+brought them again by Tom Long the Carrier.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Of the great request that Tom Long was in, and how the
+            wise Mayor of Huntingdon seized on Tom's
+                   ragged Colt for a Sturgeon._
+
+
+Tom Long having been a carrier for many years, grew in great request,
+and though he was not very well beloved, yet he was sure to have many
+customers that he got carriage of, especially the country farmers, who
+often used to send tokens by him to their friends, as gammons of bacon,
+collars of brawn, pies, and other good things, and now and then small
+pieces of silver from Dunstable men: all which Tom ever made use of
+himself, though they perceived it not; for by reason they sent by Tom
+Long the Carrier, they could never receive any answer about what he
+brought. Also, all the broken shopkeepers and decayed gentlemen sent
+their creditors' debts by Tom Long the Carrier.
+
+But it happened that, as Tom was going to London, he chanced to be at
+Huntingdon, where, putting his horses to grass, amongst which he had a
+young ragged colt,--this colt having straggled down into the river,
+certain wise men of the town coming by, that had been at Gotham, thought
+it had been a sturgeon, and thereupon acquainted the Right Wisdom-Fool
+the Mayor of it, who assembled together his wise brethren, made a very
+wise speech to them, and acquainted them therewith, who very unanimously
+accompanied his foolship; and, after a deep consultation, they all
+agreed to seize the poor colt for a sturgeon; but carrying it with great
+triumph into the town, the inhabitants, who were wiser than the rest,
+exceedingly laughed them to scorn for their great folly. And so Tom,
+promising the Mayor to bring him a piece of sturgeon at his return, he
+had his colt again.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _A Story of the Seven Sleepers, who slept above three
+           hundred years, and not yet awakened._
+
+
+In a great city there lived several men who for their religion were
+forced to fly for their lives, and not far from the city was an ancient
+cave under a hill, in which these men entered to secure and refresh
+themselves; but their persecutors, hearing where they were, stopped up
+the mouth of the cave, intending to famish them therein; and they, not
+knowing what was done, so soon as they had refreshed their bodies with
+victuals, laid themselves down to sleep, and so continued sleeping very
+sound a long season, until such time as in after ages a shepherd,
+intending to make himself a harbour, set divers masons to work to dig in
+this cave, who, with the noise, awakened the men who had been asleep so
+long therein. The cave being opened, they, thinking it to be day, and
+had slept but one night, sent one of their company privately into the
+city for food, for in all this time they had eaten nothing, and well
+they might be hungry; so, coming to the town; he found all things
+altered, the inhabitants being other kind of people, as he supposed,
+than he left the night before. So going to buy some bread, the people
+refused to take his money, saying they knew not the coin, at which he
+greatly marvelled. But inquiring further, he found that since their
+being there three generations had been dead and gone, and a fourth in
+being; and by computation of time, it appeared they had slept above
+three hundred years, and lay all this time in their clothes, which were
+no whit decayed, whereat the people all wondered; and Tom Long the
+Carrier, staying all the time they slept to see when they would awake,
+at last brought the news with him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Tom Long the Carrier sold his Horse for the Skin,
+         supposing him to be dead; and how a crafty
+      fellow coming by knew what the Horse ailed, and so
+                        bought him._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, travelling on the road, chances to put his horse
+in a field that was overgrown with hemlock, which Tom's horse, having
+had no meat all day, ate so greedily on, that it cast him into so sound
+a sleep that Tom thought he had been dead. Being thus sorely crossed, as
+he supposed, he began to flay his skin off to sell, whereupon a crafty
+fellow coming by that way, well knew what the horse ailed, bought him
+for the price of the skin, and paid Tom the money. He departed,
+appointing to fetch the horse the very next morning. And when he came on
+the morrow, the horse was awakened out of his sleep, and got upon his
+legs again; which, when Tom perceived, he was sorely vexed at his
+foolish bargain; but his chapman laughed him to scorn for his folly, and
+so departed with his horse.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Tom, Long the Carrier converted all his Carriage to
+     his own use, and thereby recruited himself with another
+       Horse, and of a sad mischance that befel his Horse._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, seeing himself thus fooled out of his horse,
+resolved not to bear all the loss himself, and so converted all his
+carriage into money, and returning home, pretended he had been robbed of
+his horse and all his carriage. Not long after, Tom being willing to set
+up again, purchased with his money a new horse; but ill-gotten goods
+seldom thrive. So Tom, having a horse again, received divers things to
+carry from divers places, especially from the wise men of Gotham, who
+were the best customers Tom Long the Carrier had. But being on his way
+not far from his inn, he chanced to spy a fine plot of grass under a
+hedge in a corn field, under which Tom, to save charges, secretly
+conveyed his mare, tying her to the hedge with a cord, and so left her.
+But the mare, like an unruly jade, not being willing to be confined in
+so narrow a compass, was minded to see what fare was on the other side
+of the hedge, and foolishly venturing to leap over, very unfortunately
+hanged herself, whose untimely death had then nigh broke the heart of
+poor Tom Long; and his grief was the more by reason she died without any
+visitation.
+
+    Tom nine ways looks, and needs must vexed be;
+    Now bought wit's best, Tom Long doth plainly see.
+    Tom tells he's robbed, and counteth all his losses,
+    And is in hopes he shall have no more crosses.
+    "Come, lads, all's gone," Tom takes his comfort then;
+    He will be repaid by other men.
+    Now many men do Tom Long dispraise,
+    Saying, "He has small conscience in his ways,
+    But sure I'll lay no such fault to his charge;
+    I rather think his conscience was too large."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How Tom Long the Carrier was assaulted by a Dog, and
+        how valiantly he defended himself, and killed him._
+
+
+As Tom Long the Carrier was travelling between Dover and Westchester, he
+fortuned to pass something near a house, where was kept a great mastiff
+dog, who, as soon as he had espied Tom, came running open mouthed at
+him, and so furiously assaulted him, as if he meant to devour him at a
+bite. But Tom, having in his hand a good pikestaff, most valiantly
+defended himself like a man, and to withstand the danger, he thrust the
+pike-end of his staff into his throat, and so killed him. Whereupon the
+owner thereof, seeing his dog lost, comes earnestly unto Tom, and
+between threatening and chiding, asking him why he struck him not with
+the great end of the staff? "Marry," quoth he, "because your dog runs
+not at me with his tail."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _Of a merry conceited Jest brought to Town by Tom._
+
+
+A certain king kept a fool to be his jester, whose manner was to set
+down in a note-book, which he kept for that purpose, all the follies
+that he saw committed in or about the court, or at least write so many
+as he discovered. So, upon a time, a certain Italian horse-courser
+arrived at the court who professed great skill in horsemanship, and it
+being declared unto the king, he presently sent him with three thousand
+pounds to buy horses in a far country, which this fool hearing of, put
+down in his note-book among the rest. When the king heard that, he was
+much offended, and would needs know of Jack Lackwit why he had set him
+down in his note. "Because," quoth the fool, "I think he will come no
+more to you." "But what if he does come again?" said the king. "Why,
+then," said the fool, "I will take you out and put him in."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Of the Hard Lodging which Tom Long the Carrier found on
+       the Ground, having under him but one Poor Feather._
+
+
+Tom Long, by reason of the great loss of his horses, became very poor,
+and so turned foot-post; and being in a wearisome condition, he was
+forced, having not coin to pay for better, to take up his lodging on the
+ground, where, tumbling and tossing, he could hardly rest all night; and
+stirring himself betimes in the morning, he espied under him one
+feather. "Now," quoth Tom, "I see what was the cause of my trouble that
+I could not sleep all the night. I wonder, seeing I found such hard
+lodging upon one feather, how they do that lie upon thousands."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _How Tom Long cozened two Shoemakers out of a
+                   pair of Shoes._
+
+
+Tom Long being now a foot-post, with hard travelling had worn his shoes
+so very thin that he was in great danger to lose soles and all;
+whereupon Tom came to refresh himself, after which he sent for a
+shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes.
+
+Now Tom, having no coin left, resolved to try his wits; so drawing on
+one of the shoes, he said it fitted well; but drawing on the other, he
+complained that it pinched his foot and was too low in the instep;
+whereupon he desired the shoemaker to take that shoe home and let it
+stand in the last for an hour or two, and he would stay so long. As soon
+as he was gone Tom pulled off the other shoe, and sent for another
+shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes, which he did; so, drawing on one
+of them on the other foot, he said it pinched him likewise, and so
+wished him also to take that shoe home, and let it stand for an hour on
+the last, and then come again. But the shoemakers saw the last of their
+shoes, for when they came again Tom Long was gone, leaving these verses
+behind them:--
+
+    "Whom seek ye, sirs--Tom Long? Oh, fie upon
+    Your tediousness, he's long since gone;
+    He went a good while since, no question store
+    Are glad, who vex'd he did not go before;
+    And some are griev'd he went so soon away,
+    The reason was, he could no longer stay;
+    Nor is it a wonder that he thus is gone,
+    Since all men know he long was drawing on."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _Witty Conceits of Tom Long the Carrier._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, upon a time, asked a merry conceited fellow which
+was the best husband for a young wench to marry. "Marry," quoth the
+fellow, "an old man, for then he shall be sure to be proud of her."
+Another standing by asked Tom Long the Carrier what trade he thought to
+be best? "Marry," quoth Tom, "a cut-purse; for he hath no sooner done
+his work but he hath his money in his hand."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIV.
+
+    _The Conclusion of the Merry Conceits of Tom Long
+                       the Carrier._
+
+    Tom Long the Carrier coming to an inn,
+    Asked the maid what meat there was within?
+    "Cow-heels," said she, "and a fine breast of mutton."
+    "Then," said Tom, "since that I am no glutton,
+    Either or both shall serve--to-night the breast,
+    The heels in the morning, when light meat is best."
+    At night he took the breast, and did not pay,
+    And in the morning took his heels and ran away.
+    When the worst is past, all things begin to mend,
+    And here the brave story of Tom Long doth end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                      STORY OF
+
+                     BLUE BEARD
+
+                       OR THE
+
+             EFFECTS OF FEMALE CURIOSITY.
+
+
+There was, some time ago, a gentleman who was extremely rich. He had
+elegant town and country houses; his dishes and plates were of gold and
+silver; his rooms were hung with damask; his chairs and sofas were
+covered with the richest silks, and his carriages were all magnificently
+gilt with gold.
+
+But, unfortunately, this gentleman had a blue beard, which made him so
+very frightful and ugly that none of the ladies in the neighbourhood
+would venture to go into his company.
+
+It happened that a lady of quality, who lived very near him, had two
+daughters, who were both extremely beautiful. Blue Beard asked her to
+bestow one of them upon him in marriage, leaving to herself the choice
+which of the two it should be.
+
+They both, however, again and again refused to marry Blue Beard; but, to
+be as civil as possible, they each pretended that they refused because
+she would not deprive her sister of the opportunity of marrying so much
+to her advantage. But the truth was they could not bear the thoughts of
+having a husband with a blue beard, and, besides, they had heard of his
+having already been married to several wives, and nobody could tell what
+had afterwards become of them.
+
+As Blue Beard wished very much to gain their favour, he invited the lady
+and her daughters, and some ladies who were on a visit at their house,
+to accompany him to one of his country seats, where they spent a whole
+week, during which nothing was thought of but parties for hunting and
+fishing, music, dancing, collations, and the most delightful
+entertainments. No one thought of going to bed, and the nights were
+passed in merriment of every kind.
+
+In short, the time had passed so agreeably that the youngest of the two
+sisters began to think that the beard which had so much terrified her
+was not so very blue, and that the gentleman to whom it belonged was
+vastly civil and pleasing.
+
+Soon after they returned home she told her mother that she had no longer
+any objection to accept of Blue Beard for her husband, and, accordingly,
+in a short time they were married.
+
+About a month after the marriage had taken place, Blue Beard told his
+wife that he should be obliged to leave her for a few weeks, as he had
+some business to do in the country. He desired her to be sure to procure
+herself every kind of amusement, to invite as many of her friends as she
+liked, and to treat them with all sorts of delicacies that the time
+might pass agreeably during his absence. "Here," said he, "are the keys
+of the two large wardrobes. This is the key of the great box that
+contains the best plate, which we use for company; this belongs to my
+strong box, where I keep my money; and this to the casket in which are
+all my jewels. Here also is a master key to all the apartments in my
+house, but this small key belongs to the closet at the end of the long
+gallery on the ground floor. I give you leave," continued he, "to open
+or do what you like with all the rest excepting this closet: this, my
+dear, you must not enter, nor even put the key into the lock, for all
+the world. Should you disobey me, expect the most dreadful of
+punishments."
+
+She promised to obey his orders in the most faithful manner; and Blue
+Beard, after tenderly embracing her, stepped into his carriage and drove
+away.
+
+The friends of the bride did not, on this occasion, wait to be invited,
+so impatient were they to see all the riches and magnificence she had
+gained by marriage; for they had been prevented from paying their
+wedding visit by their aversion to the blue beard of the bridegroom.
+
+No sooner were they arrived than they impatiently ran from room to room,
+from cabinet to cabinet, and then from wardrobe to wardrobe, examining
+each with the utmost curiosity, and declaring that the last was still
+richer and more beautiful than what they had seen the moment before. At
+length they came to the drawing-rooms, where their admiration and
+astonishment were still increased by the costly splendour of the
+hangings, of the sofas, the chairs, carpets, tables, girandoles, and
+looking-glasses, the frames of which were silver gilt, most richly
+ornamented, and in which they saw themselves from head to foot.
+
+In short, nothing could exceed the magnificence of what they saw; and
+the visitors did not cease to extol and envy the good fortune of their
+friend, who all this time was far from being amused by the fine
+compliments they paid her, so eagerly did she desire to see what was in
+the closet her husband had forbidden her to open. So great indeed was
+her curiosity that, without recollecting how uncivil it would be to
+leave her guests, she descended a private staircase that led to it, and
+in such a hurry that she was two or three times in danger of breaking
+her neck.
+
+When she reached the door of the closet she stopped for a few moments to
+think of the charge her husband had given her, and that he would not
+fail to keep his word in punishing her very severely should she disobey
+him. But she was so very curious to know what was in the inside that she
+determined to venture in spite of everything.
+
+She accordingly, with a trembling hand, put the key into the lock, and
+the door immediately opened. The window shutters being closed, she at
+first saw nothing; but in a short time she perceived that the floor was
+covered with clotted blood, on which the bodies of several dead women
+were lying. These were all the wives whom Blue Beard had married and
+murdered, one after another. She was ready to sink with fear, and the
+key of the closet door, which she held in her hand, fell on the floor.
+When she had somewhat recovered from her fright she took it up, locked
+the door, and hastened to her own room that she might have a little time
+to get into humour for amusing her visitors; but this she found
+impossible, so greatly was she terrified by what she had seen.
+
+As she observed that the key of the closet had got stained with blood in
+falling on the floor, she wiped it two or three times over to clean it;
+still, however, the blood remained the same as before. She next washed
+it, but the blood did not stir at all; she then scoured it with
+brickdust, and afterwards with sand, but notwithstanding all she could
+do, the blood was still there; for the key was a fairy, who was Blue
+Beard's friend, so that as fast as she got it off on one side it
+appeared again on the other.
+
+Early in the evening Blue Beard returned home, saying he had not
+proceeded far on his journey before he was met by a messenger who was
+coming to tell him that his business was happily concluded without his
+being present, upon which his wife said everything she could think of to
+make him believe she was transported with joy at his unexpected return.
+
+The next morning he asked her for the keys. She gave them to him; but as
+she could not help showing her fright, Blue Beard easily guessed what
+had happened. "How is it," said he, "that the key of the closet upon the
+ground floor is not here?" "Is it not? then I must have left it on my
+dressing-table," said she, and left the room in tears. "Be sure you give
+it me by-and-bye," cried Blue Beard.
+
+After going several times backwards and forwards, pretending to look for
+the key, she was at last obliged to give it to Blue Beard. He looked at
+it attentively, and then said--"How came the blood upon the key?" "I am
+sure I do not know," replied the lady, turning at the same time as pale
+as death. "You do not know," said Blue Beard sternly; "but I know well
+enough. You have been in the closet on the ground floor. Vastly well,
+madam; since you are so mightily fond of this closet, you shall
+certainly take your place among the ladies you saw there."
+
+His wife, almost dead with fear, fell upon her knees, asked his pardon a
+thousand times for her disobedience, and entreated him to forgive
+her--looking all the time so very sorrowful and lovely that she would
+have melted any heart that was not harder than a rock.
+
+But Blue Beard answered, "No, no, madam; you shall die this very
+minute!"
+
+"Alas!" said the poor trembling creature, "if I must die, allow me, at
+least, a little time to say my prayers."
+
+"I give you," replied the cruel Blue Beard, "half a quarter of an hour;
+not one moment longer."
+
+When Blue Beard had left her to herself, she called her sister, and
+after telling her, as well as she could for sobbing, that she had but
+half a quarter of an hour to live, "Prithee," said she, "sister Ann"
+(this was her sister's name), "run up to the top of the tower, and see
+if my brothers are yet in sight, for they promised to come and visit me
+to-day; and if you see them, make a sign for them to gallop as fast as
+possible."
+
+Her sister instantly did as she was desired, and the terrified lady
+every minute called out to her, "Ann! sister Ann! do you see any one
+coming?" and her sister answered, "I see nothing but the sun, which
+makes a dust, and the grass, which looks green."
+
+In the meanwhile Blue Beard, with a great scimitar in his hand, bawled
+as loud as he could to his wife, "Come down instantly, or I will fetch
+you."
+
+"One moment longer, I beseech you," replied she; and again called softly
+to her sister--"Sister Ann, do you see any one coming?" To which she
+answered, "I see nothing but the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass,
+which looks green."
+
+Blue Beard now again bawled out, "Come down, I say, this very moment, or
+I shall come and fetch you."
+
+"I am coming; indeed I will come in one minute," sobbed his unhappy
+wife. Then she once more cried out--"Ann! sister Ann! do you see any one
+coming?" "I see," said her sister, "a cloud of dust a little to the
+left." "Do you think it is my brothers?" continued the wife. "Alas! no,
+dear sister," replied she; "it is only a flock of sheep."
+
+"Will you come down or not, madam?" said Blue Beard, in the greatest
+rage imaginable.
+
+"Only one single moment more," answered she. And then she called out for
+the last time--"Sister Ann! do you see any one coming?"
+
+"I see," replied her sister, "two men on horseback coming to the house,
+but they are still at a great distance."
+
+"God be praised!" cried she; it is my brothers; give them a sign to make
+what haste they can.
+
+At the same moment Blue Beard cried out so loud for her to come down
+that his voice shook the whole house.
+
+The poor lady with her hair loose, and her eyes swimming in tears,
+instantly came down, and fell on her knees to Blue Beard, and was going
+to beg him to spare her life; but he interrupted her saying--"All this
+is of no use at all, for you shall die." Then, seizing her with one hand
+by the hair, and raising the scimitar he held in the other, was going
+with one blow to strike off her head.
+
+The unfortunate creature turning towards him, desired to have a single
+moment allowed her to recollect herself.
+
+"No, no," said Blue Beard, "I will give you no more time, I am
+determined--you have had too much already;" and again raising his arm.
+Just at this instant a loud knocking was heard at the gates, which made
+Blue Beard wait for a moment to see who it was. The gates were opened,
+and two officers, dressed in their regimentals, entered, and, with their
+swords in their hands, ran instantly to Blue Beard, who, seeing they
+were his wife's brothers, endeavoured to escape from their presence; but
+they pursued and seized him before he had gone twenty steps, and,
+plunging their swords into his body, he immediately fell down dead at
+their feet.
+
+The poor wife, who was almost as dead as her husband, was unable at
+first to rise and embrace her brothers. She soon, however, recovered;
+and as Blue Beard had no heirs, she found herself the lawful possessor
+of his great riches.
+
+She employed a portion of her vast fortune in giving a marriage dowry to
+her sister Ann, who soon after became the wife of a young gentleman by
+whom she had long been beloved. Another part she employed in buying
+captains' commissions for her two brothers, and the rest she presented
+to a most worthy gentleman, whom she married soon after, and whose kind
+treatment soon made her forget Blue Beard's cruelty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                      LIFE OF
+
+                   MANSIE WAUCH
+
+                TAILOR IN DALKEITH.
+
+
+I was born during the night of the 15th of October, 1765, in that little
+house, standing by itself, not many yards from the eastmost side of the
+Flesh Market Gate, Dalkeith. Long was it spoken about that something
+mysterious would happen on that dreary night, as the cat, after washing
+her face, gaed mewing about with her tail sweeing behind her like a
+ramrod; and a corbie, from the Duke's woods, tumbled down Jamie Elder's
+lum when he had set the little still a-going--giving them a terrible
+fright, as they took it for the deevil and then for an exciseman--and
+fell with a great cloud of soot and a loud skraigh into the empty
+kail-pot.
+
+The first thing that I have any clear memory of was my being carried out
+on my auntie's shoulder, with a leather cap tied under my chin, to see
+the Fair Race. Oh! but it was a grand sight! I have read since then the
+story of Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp, but this beat it all to sticks. There
+was a long row of tables, covered with carpets of bonny patterns, heaped
+from one end to the other with shoes of every kind and size, some with
+polished soles and some glittering with sparables and cuddyheels, and
+little red worsted boots for bairns with blue and white edgings, hinging
+like strings of flowers up the posts at each end; and then what a
+collection of luggies! The whole meal in the market sacks on a Thursday
+did not seem able to fill them, and horn spoons, green and black
+freckled, with shanks clear as amber, and timber caups, and ivory egg
+cups of every pattern. Have a care of us! all the eggs in Smeaton dairy
+might have found resting places for their seats in a row. As for the
+gingerbread, I shall not attempt a description. Sixpenny and shilling
+cakes, in paper tied with skinie, and roundabouts, and snaps, brown and
+white quality, and parliaments on stands covered with calendered linen
+clean from the fold. To pass it was just impossible; it set my teeth
+a-watering, and I skirled like mad until I had a gilded lady thrust into
+my little nieve--the which, after admiring for a minute, I applied my
+teeth to and of the head I made no bones, so that in less than no time
+she had vanished, petticoats and all, no trace of her being to the fore
+save and except long treacly daubs extending east and west from ear to
+ear, and north and south from cape nep of the nose to the extremity of
+beardyland.
+
+But what of all things attracted my attention on that memorable day was
+the show of cows, sheep, and horses, mooing, baaing, and neighering; and
+the race--that was the best! Od, what a sight! We were jammed in the
+crowd of auld wives with their toys and shining ribbons, and canter lads
+with their blue bonnets, and young wenches carrying home their fairings
+in napkins as muckle as would hold their teeth going for a month. There
+scarcely could be muckle for love when there was so much for the
+stomach, and men with wooden legs and brass virls at the end of them
+playing on the fiddle, and a bear that roared and danced on its hind
+feet with a muzzled mouth, and Punch and Polly, and puppie shows, and
+mair than I can tell, when up came the horses to the starting-post. I
+shall never forget the bonny dresses of the riders. One had a napkin
+tied round his head, another had on a black velvet hunting cap and his
+coat stripped--oh, but he was a brave lad--and sorrow was the folks for
+him when he fell off in taking ower sharp a turn, by which auld Pullen,
+the bell-ringer, wha was holding the post, was made to coup the creels.
+And the last was all life, as gleg as an eel. Up and down he went, and
+up and down gaed the beast on its hind legs and its fore legs, funking
+like mad. Yet though he was not aboon thirteen, or fourteen at most, he
+did not cry out for help more than five or six times, but grippit at the
+mane with one hand and at the back of the saddle with the other, till
+daft Robie, the hostler at the stables, caught hold of the beast by the
+head, and off they set. The young birkie had neither hat nor shoon, but
+he did not spare the stick; round and round they flew like daft. Ye
+would have thought their een would have loupen out, and loudly all the
+crowd were hurrahing when young hatless came up foremost, standing in
+the stirrups, the long stick between his teeth, and his white hair
+fleeing behind him in the wind like streamers on a frosty night.
+
+
+    CALF-LOVE.
+
+Just after I was put to my apprenticeship, having made free choice of
+the tailoring trade, I had a terrible stound of calf-love. Never shall I
+forget it. I was growing up long and lank as a willow-wand, brawns to my
+legs there were none, as my trousers of other years too visibly effected
+to show. The long yellow hair hung down, like a flax-wig, the length of
+my lantern jaws, which looked, notwithstanding my yapness and stiff
+appetite, as if eating and they had broken up acquaintanceship. My blue
+jacket seemed in the sleeves to have picket a quarrel with the wrists
+and had retreated to a tait below the elbows. The haunch-buttons, on the
+contrary, appeared to have taken a strong liking to the shoulders, a
+little below which they showed their tarnished brightness. At the middle
+of the back the tails terminated, leaving the well-worn rear of my
+corduroys like a full moon seen through a dark haze. Oh! but I must have
+been a bonny lad.
+
+My first flame was the minister's lassie, Jess, a buxom and forward
+queen, two or three years older than myself. I used to sit looking at
+her in the kirk, and felt a droll confusion when our een met. It dirled
+through my heart like a dart, and I looked down at my psalm-book
+sheepish and blushing. Fain would I have spoken to her, but it would not
+do; my courage aye failed me at the pinch, though she whiles gave me a
+smile when she passed me. She used to go to the well every night with
+her twa stoups to draw water after the manner of the Israelites at
+gloaming, so I thought of watching to give her the two apples which I
+had carried in my pouch for more than a week for that purpose. How she
+laughed when I stappit them into her hand and brushed by without
+speaking. I stood at the bottom of the close listening, and heard her
+laughing till she was like to split. My heart flap flappit in my breast
+like a pair of fanners. It was a moment of heavenly hope; but I saw
+Jamie Coom, the blacksmith, who I aye jaloused was my rival, coming down
+to the well. I saw her give him one of the apples, and hearing him say
+with a loud gaffaw, "Where is the tailor?" I took to my heels, and never
+stopped till I found myself on the little stool by the fireside, and the
+hamely sound of my mother's wheel bum-bumming in my lug like a gentle
+lullaby.
+
+Every noise I heard flustered me, but I calmed in time, though I went to
+my bed without my supper. When I was driving out the gaislings to the
+grass on the next morn who was it my ill fate to meet but the
+blacksmith. "Ou, Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for
+your best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on Sunday."
+
+"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring.
+
+"Yes," said he; "Jess, the minister's maid, told me last night that you
+had been giving up your name at the manse. Ay, it's ower true, for she
+showed me the apples ye gied her in a present. This is a bonny story,
+Mansie, my man, and you only at your apprenticeship yet."
+
+Terror and despair had struck me dumb. I stood as still and as stiff as
+a web of buckram. My tongue was tied, and I couldna contradict him.
+Jamie faulded his arms and gaed away whistling, turning every now and
+then his sooty face over his shoulder and mostly sticking his tune, as
+he could not keep his mouth screwed for laughing. What would I not have
+given to have laughed too!
+
+There was no time to be lost; this was the Saturday. The next rising sun
+would shine on the Sabbath. Ah, what a case I was in; I could mostly
+have drowned myself had I not been frighted. What could I do? My love
+had vanished like lightning; but oh, I was in a terrible gliff! Instead
+of gundy, I sold my thrums to Mrs. Walnut for a penny, with which I
+bought at the counter a sheet of paper and a pen, so that in the
+afternoon I wrote out a letter to the minister telling him what I had
+been given to hear, and begging him, for the sake of mercy, not to
+believe Jess's word, as I was not able to keep a wife, and as she was a
+leeing gipsy.
+
+
+    PUSHING MY FORTUNE.
+
+The days of the years of my apprenticeship having glided cannily over on
+the working board of my respected maister, James Hosey, where I sat
+working cross-legged like a busy bee in the true spirit of industrious
+contentment, I found myself at the end of the seven year so well
+instructed in the tailoring trade, to which I had paid a near-sighted
+attention, that, without more ado, I girt myself round about with a
+proud determination of at once cutting my mother's apron string and
+venturing to go without a hold. Thinks I to myself "faint heart never
+won fair lady," so, taking my stick in my hand, I set out towards
+Edinburgh as brave as a Hielander in search of a journeyman's place. I
+may set it down to an especial providence that I found one, on the very
+first day, to my heart's content in by at the Grassmarket where I stayed
+for the space of six calendar months.
+
+Had it not been from a real sense of the duty I owed to my future
+employers, whomsoever they might be, in making myself a first-rate hand
+in the cutting, shaping, and sewing line, I would not have found courage
+in my breast to have helped me out through such a long and dreary time.
+
+Never let us repine, howsomever, but consider that all is ordered for
+the best. The sons of the patriarch Jacob found out their brother Joseph
+in a foreign land, and where they least expected it, so it was
+here--even here where my heart was sickening unto death, from my daily
+and nightly thoughts being as bitter as gall--that I fell in with the
+greatest blessing of my life, Nanse Cromie!
+
+In the flat below our workshop lived Mrs. Whitterraick, the wife of Mr.
+Whitterraick, a dealer in hens and hams in the poultry market, who,
+coming from the Lauder neighbourhood, had hired a bit wench of a lassie
+that was to follow them come the term. And who think ye should this
+lassie be but Nanse Cromie, afterwards, in the course of a kind
+providence, the honoured wife of my bosom, and the mother of bonny
+Benjie.
+
+In going up and down the stairs--it being a common entry, ye observe--me
+may be going down with my everyday hat on to my dinner, and she coming
+up carrying a stoup of water or half-a-pound of pouthered butter on a
+plate, with a piece of paper thrown over it--we frequently met half-way,
+and had to stand still to let one another pass. Nothing came of these
+forgetherings, howsomever, for a month or two, she being as shy and
+modest as she was bonny, with her clean demity short gown and snow-white
+morning mutch, to say nothing of her cherry mou, and me unco douffie in
+making up to strangers. We could not help, nevertheless, to take aye a
+stoun look of each other in passing, and I was a gone man, bewitched out
+of my seven senses, falling from my claes, losing my stomach, and over
+the lugs in love, three weeks and some odd days before ever a single
+syllable passed between us.
+
+If ever a man loved, and loved like mad, it was me, Mansie Wauch, and I
+take no shame in the confession; but, kenning it all in the course of
+nature, declared it openly and courageously in the face of the wide
+world. Let them laugh who like; honest folk, I pity them. Such know not
+the pleasures of virtuous affection. It is not in corrupted, sinful
+hearts that the fire of true love can ever burn clear. Alas, and ohon
+orie! They lose the sweetest, completest, dearest, truest pleasure that
+this world has in store for its children. They know not the bliss to
+meet that makes the embrace of separation bitter. They never dreamed
+the dreams that make awakening to the morning light unpleasant. They
+never felt the raptures that can dirl like darts through a man's soul
+from a woman's e'e. They never tasted the honey that dwells on a woman's
+lip, sweeter than yellow marigolds to the bee; or fretted under the
+fever of bliss that glows through the frame on pressing the hand of a
+suddenly met and fluttering sweetheart. But tuts-tuts--hech-how! my day
+has long since passed; and this is stuff to drop from the lips of an
+auld fool. Nevertheless, forgive me, friends; I cannot help all-powerful
+nature.
+
+Nanse's taste being like my own, we amused one another in abusing great
+cities, and it is curious how soon I learned to be up to trap--I mean in
+an honest way; for when she said she was wearying the very heart out of
+her to be home again to Lauder, which, she said, was her native and the
+true land of Goshen, I spoke back to her by way of answer--"Nancy, my
+dear," says I, "believe me that the real land of Goshen is out at
+Dalkeith, and if ye'll take up house wi' me, and enter into a way of
+doing, I daursay in a while ye'll come to think so too."
+
+What will you say there? Matters were by-and-bye settled full tosh
+between us, and though the means of both parties were small, we were
+young and able and willing to help one another. For two three days, I
+must confess, after Nanse and me found ourselves in the comfortable
+situation of man and wife I was a dowie and desponding, thinking we were
+to have a numerous small family and where work was to come from; but no
+sooner was my sign nailed up with four iron handfasts by Johnny Hammer,
+painted in black letters on a blue ground, with a picture of a jacket on
+one side and a pair of shears on the other, and my shop door opened to
+the public with a wheen ready-made waistcoats, gallowses, leather caps,
+and Kilmarnock cowls, hung up at the window, than business flowed in
+upon us in a perfect torrent. First one came in for his measure and then
+another. A wife came in for a pair of red worsted boots for her bairn,
+but would not take them for they had not blue fringes. A bare-headed
+lassie, hoping to be hansel, threw down twopence and asked tape at three
+yards a halfpenny. The minister sent an old black coat beneath his
+maid's arm, preened up in a towel, to get docked in the tails down into
+a jacket, which I trust I did to his entire satisfaction, making it fit
+to a hair. The duke's butler himself patronized me by sending me a coat
+which was all hair powder and pomate to get a new neck put to it.
+
+No wonder than we attracted customers, for our sign was the prettiest ye
+ever saw, though the jacket was not just so neatly painted as for some
+sand-blind creatures not to take it for a goose. I daresay there were
+fifty half-naked bairns glowering their een out of their heads at it
+from morning till night, and after they all were gone to their beds both
+Nanse and me found ourselves so proud of our new situation in life that
+we slipped out in the dark by ourselves and had a prime look at it with
+a lantern.
+
+
+    MANSIE WAUCH'S FIRST AND LAST PLAY.
+
+Mony a time and often had I heard of play-acting and of players making
+themselves kings and queens, and saying a great many wonderful things,
+but I had never before an opportunity of making myself a witness to the
+truth of these hearsays. So Maister Glen, being as fu' of nonsense and
+as fain to have his curiosity gratified, we took upon us the stout
+resolution to gang ower thegither, he offering to treat me and I
+determined to run the risk of Maister Wiggie, our minister's rebuke, for
+the transgression, hoping it would make na lasting impression on his
+mind, being for the first and only time. Folks shouldna at a' times be
+ower scrupulous.
+
+After paying our money at the door, never, while I live and breathe,
+will I forget what we saw and heard that night. It just looks to me by
+a' the world, when I think on't, like a fairy dream. The place was
+crowded to the e'e, Maister Glen and me having nearly gob our ribs dung
+in before we fand a seat, and them behint were obliged to mount the back
+benches to get a sight. Right to the fore hand of us was a large green
+curtain some five or six ells wide, a guid deal the waur of the wear,
+having seen service through two or three simmers, and just in the front
+of it were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to the
+ground to let us see the players' feet like when they came on the stage,
+and even before they came on the stage, for the curtain being scrimpit
+in length we saw legs and feet moving behind the scenes very neatly,
+while twa blind fiddlers they had brought with them played the bonniest
+ye ever heard. Od, the very music was worth a sixpence of itsel'.
+
+The place, as I said before, was choke full, just to excess, so that ane
+could scarcely breathe. Indeed I never saw ony pairt sae crowded, not
+even at a tent preaching when Mr. Roarer was giving his discourses on
+the building of Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to have the windows
+opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as close as a baker's
+oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces with our hats to keep us
+cool; and, though all were half stewed, we had the worst o't, the toddy
+we had ta'en having fomented the blood of our bodies into a perfect
+fever.
+
+Just at the time that the twa blind fiddlers were playing the "Downfall
+of Paris" a hand bell rang, and up goes the green curtain, being hauled
+to the ceiling, as I observed wi' the tail o' my e'e, by a birkie at the
+side that had hand o' a rope. So, on the music stopping and all becoming
+as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes a decent old
+gentleman at his leesure, weel powdered, wi' an auld-fashioned coat and
+waistcoat wi' flap pockets, brown breeches with buckles at the knees,
+and silk stockings with red gushets on a blue ground. I never saw a man
+in sic distress. He stampit about, and better stampit about, dadding the
+end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powers of heaven
+and yearth to help him to find out his runawa' daughter that had
+decampit wi' some ne'er-do-well loon of a half-pay captain that keppit
+her in his arms frae her bedroom window up twa pair o' stairs. Every
+father and head of a family maun ha'e felt for a man in his situation
+thus to be rubbit of his dear bairn, and an only daughter, too, as he
+telt us ower and ower again, as the saut, saut tears ran gushing down
+his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean calendered
+pocket napkin. But, ye ken, the thing was absurd to suppose that we
+should ken onything about the matter, having never seen either him or
+his daughter between the een afore, and no kenning them by head mark;
+so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do with a
+fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to haud our tongues to
+see what might cast up better than he expected. So out he gaed stamping
+at the ither side, determined, he said, to find them out though he
+should follow them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's House, or
+something to that effect.
+
+Hardly was his back turned, and amaist before ye could cry Jack Robison,
+in comes the birkie and the very young leddy the auld gentleman
+described arm and arm thegither, smoodging and lauching like daft. Dog
+on it, it was a shameless piece of business. As true as death, before
+all the crowd of folk he pat his arm round her waist and ca'ed her his
+sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and everything that is
+sweet. If they had been courting in a close thegither on a Friday night
+they couldna ha'e said mair to ane anither, or gaen greater lengths. I
+thought sic shame to be an e'e-witness to sic ongoings that I was
+obliged at last to haud up my hat afore my face and look down, though,
+for a' that, the young lad, to be sic a blackguard as his conduct
+showed, was weel enough faured and had a guid coat on his back wi'
+double gilt buttons and fashionable lapels, to say little o' a very
+weel-made pair of buckskins a little the waur o' the wear, to be sure,
+but which, if they had been cleaned, would ha'e looked amaist as good as
+new. How they had come we never could learn, as we neither saw chaise
+nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is mair than likely
+that they had lighted at the back door of the barn frae a horse, she
+riding on a pad behint him, maybe with her hand round his waist.
+
+The faither lookit to be a rich auld bool, baith from his manner of
+speaking and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of his
+daughter; but, to be sure, when so many of us were present that had an
+equal right to the spulzie it wadna be a great deal a thousand pounds
+when divided, still it was worth the looking after. So we just bidit a
+wee.
+
+Things were brought to a bearing, whosoever, sooner than either
+themsel's, I daursay, or onybody else present seemed to ha'e the least
+glimpse of; for just in the middle of their fine going on the sound of a
+coming fit was heard, and the lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out,
+"Hide me, hide me, for the sake of gudeness, for yonder comes my old
+father!"
+
+Nae sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet, and, after
+shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to be
+asleep in a moment. The auld faither came bouncing in, and seeing the
+fellow as sound as a tap he ran forrit and gaed him sich a shake as if
+he wad ha'e shooken him a' sundry, which sune made him open his een as
+fast as he had steekit them. After blackguarding the chiel at no
+allowance, cursing him up hill and down dale, and ca'ing him every name
+but a gentleman, he haddit his staff ower his crown and, gripping him by
+the cuff o' the neck, askit him what he had made o' his daughter. Never
+since I was born did I ever see sic brazen-faced impudence! The rascal
+had the brass to say at ance that he hadna seen word or wittens o' his
+daughter for a month, though mair than a hundred folk sitting in his
+company had seen him dauting her with his arm round her jimpy waist not
+five minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of our kirk, my
+corruption was raised, for I aye hated leeing as a puir cowardly sin and
+an inbreak on the ten commandments, and I fand my neebour, Mr. Glen,
+fidgetting on the seat as weel as me, so I thocht that whaever spoke
+first wad ha'e the best right to be entitled to the reward; whereupon,
+just as he was in the act of rising up, I took the word out of his
+mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld gentleman, dinna believe him,
+friend; he's telling a parcel of lees. Never saw her for a month! It's
+no worth arguing or ca'ing witnesses; just open that press door and
+ye'll see whether I'm speaking truth or no."
+
+The auld man stared and lookit dumbfoundered, and the young man, instead
+of rinning forrit wi' his double nieves to strike me, the only thing I
+was feared for, began a-laughing, as if I had dune him a good turn. But
+never since I had a being did I ever witness an uproar and noise as
+immediately took place. The haill house was sae glad that the scoundrel
+had been exposed that they set up siccan a roar o' lauchter and thumpit
+away at siccan a rate at the boards wi' their feet that, at lang and
+last, wi' pushing and fidgetting and hadding their sides, down fell the
+place they ca' the gallery, a' the folk in't being hurled tapsy-turvy
+head foremost amang the saw-dust on the floor below, their guffawing
+sune being turned to howling, ilka ane crying louder than anither at the
+tap of their voices, "Murder! murder! haud off me; murder! my ribs are
+in; murder! I'm killed--I'm speechless!" and ither lamentations to that
+effect; so that a rush to the door took place, in which everything was
+overturned--the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire, the furms
+strampit to pieces, the lights knockit out, and the twa blind fiddlers
+dung head foremost ower the stage, the bass fiddle cracking like thunder
+at every bruise. Siccan tearing, and swearing, and tumbling, and
+squeeling was never witnessed in the memory of man sin' the building of
+Babel, legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, een knocked out,
+and lives lost--there being only ae door, and that a sma' ane--so that
+when we had been carried off our feet that length my wind was fairly
+gane, and a sick dwam cam' ower me, lights of a' manner of colours, red,
+blue, green, and orange dancing before me that entirely deprived me o
+common sense till, on opening my een in the dark, I fand mysel' leaning
+wi' my braid side against the wa' on the opposite side of the close. It
+was some time before I mindit what had happened, so, dreading scaith, I
+fand first the ae arm and then the ither to see if they were broken,
+syne my head, and syne baith o' my legs; but a', as weel as I could
+discover, was skinhale and scart free--on perceiving which, my joy was
+without bounds, having a great notion that I had been killed on the
+spot. So I reached round my hand very thankfully to tak' out my pocket
+napkin to gi'e my brow a wipe when, lo and behold, the tail of my
+Sunday's coat was fairly aff and away, dockit by the haunch buttons.
+
+
+    PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE.
+
+It was about the month of March, in the year of grace anno domini
+eighteen hunder, that the haill country trummelled, like a man ill of
+the interminable fiver, under the consternation of Bonapartie and all
+the French vagabonds emigrating ower and landing in the firth. Keep us
+a'! the folk, dydit bodies, pat less confidence than became them in what
+our volunteer regiments were able and willing to do though we had a
+remnant amang us of the true bluid that with loud lauchter lauched the
+creatures to scorn, and I for ane keepit up my pluck like a true
+Hielander. Does ony leeving soul believe that Scotland could be
+conquered, and the like o' us sold, like Egyptian slaves, into
+captivity? Fie, fie; I could spit on siccan havers. Are we no descended,
+faither and son, frae Robert Bruce and Sir William Wallace, having the
+bright bluid of freemen in our veins and the Pentland Hills, as weel as
+our ain dear hames and firesides, to fight for? The fief that wadna gi'e
+cut-and-thrust for his country as lang as he had a breath to draw or a
+leg to stand on should be tied neck and heels, without benefit o'
+clergy, and thrown ower Leith Pier to swim for his life like a mangy
+dog!
+
+It was sometime in the blasty month of March, the weather being rawish
+and rainy, wi' sharp frosty nights that left all the window soles
+whitewashed ower with frost-rind in the morning, that as I was going out
+in the dark, afore lying doun in my bed, to gi'e a look into the
+hen-house door and lock the coal cellar, so that I might pit the bit key
+intil my breek pouches, I happened to gi'e a keek in, and, lo and
+behold, the awfu' apparition of a man wi' a yellow jacket lying sound
+asleep on a great lump o' parrot coal in a corner.
+
+In the hurry of my terror and surprise at seeing a man with a yellow
+jacket and a blue foraging cap in such a situation, I was like to drap
+the guid twopenny candle and faint clean away; but, coming to mysel' in
+a jiffy, I determined, in case it might be a highway rubber, to thraw
+about the key, and, rinning up for the firelock, shoot him through the
+head instantly, if found necessary. In turning round the key the lock,
+being in want of a feather o' oil, made a noise, and waukened the puir
+wretch, who, jumping to the soles of his feet in despair, cried out in a
+voice that was like to break my heart, though I couldna make out ae word
+of his paraphernally. It minded me, by a' the world, of a wheen cats
+fuffing and feighting through ither, and whiles something that sounded
+like "Sugar, sugar, measure the cord," and "dabble, dabble." It was waur
+than the maist outrageous Gaelic ever spoken in the height o' passion by
+a Hieland shearer.
+
+"Oho!" thinks I, "friend, ye cannot be a Christian from your lingo,
+that's one thing poz; and I would wager tippence you're a Frenchy. Who
+kens keeps us all, but ye may be a Bonaparte himself in disguise, come
+over in a flat-bottomed boat, to spy the nakedness of the land. So ye
+may just rest content, and keep your quarters good till the morn's
+morning."
+
+It was a wonderful business, and enough to happen to a man in the course
+of his lifetime to find Mounseer from Paris in his coal neuk, and have
+the enemy of his country snug under lock and key; so while he kept
+rampaging, fuffing, stamping, and diabbling away I went in and brought
+out Benjie with a blanket row'd round him, and my journeyman, Tommy
+Bodkin--who, being an orphan, I made a kind of parlour boarder of, he
+sleeping on a shake-down beyond the kitchen fire--to hold a consultation
+and be witness of the transaction.
+
+I got my musket, and Tommy Bodkin armed himself with the goose, a deadly
+weapon, whoever may get a clour with it, and Benjie took the poker in
+one hand and the tongs in the other; and out we all marched briskly to
+make the Frenchman that was locked up from the light of day in the coal
+house surrender. After hearkening at the door for a while, and finding
+all quiet, he gave a knock to rouse him up and see if we could bring
+anything out of him by speering him cross-questions. Tammy and Benjie
+trembled from top to toe, like aspen leaves, but fient a word could we
+make common sense of it all. I wonder wha edicates thae foreign
+creatures? It was in vain to follow him, for he just gab, gabbled away
+like ane o' the stone masons at the tower of Babel. At first I was
+completely bamboozled and amaist dung stupid, though I kent a word of
+French which I wantit to pit till him, so I cried through--"Canna you
+speak Frencha, Mounseer?"
+
+He hadna the politeness to stop and mak' answer, but just gaed on wi'
+his string of havers, without either rhyme or reason, which we could
+mak' neither tap, tail, nor main o'.
+
+It was a sair trial to us a', putting us to our wit's end, and hoo to
+come on was past all visible comprehension, when Tammy Bodkin, gi'eing
+his elbow a claw, said--"Od, maister, I wager something that he's broken
+loose frae Pennycuick. We have him like a rotten in a fa'." On
+Pennycuick being mentioned, we heard the foreign crature in the coal
+house groaning out, "Och" and "ohone," and "parbleu," and "Mysie
+Rabbie"--that, I fancy, was his sweetheart at hame, sum bit French queen
+that wondered he was never like to come frae the wars and marry her. I
+thocht on this, for his voice was mournfu', though I couldna understand
+the words; and, kenning he was a stranger in a far land, my bowels
+yearned within me with compassion towards him.
+
+I wad ha'e gien half-a-crown at that blessed moment to ha'e been able to
+wash my hands free o' him, but I swithered, and was like the cuddie
+between the twa bundles of hay. At lang and last a thocht struck me,
+which was to gi'e the deluded, simple cratur a chance of escape,
+reckoning that if he fand his way hame he wad see the shame and folly of
+feighting against us ony mair, and, marrying Maysie Rabbie, live a
+contented and peacefu' life under his ain feg and bay tree. So, wishing
+him a sound sleep, I cried through the door--"Mounseer, gooda nighta,"
+decoying away Benjie and Tammy Bodkin into the house and dispatching
+them to their beds like lamplighters, bidding them never fash their
+thumbs, but sleep like taps, as I would keep a sharp lookout till
+morning.
+
+As soon, hoosomever, as I fand a' things snug I slippit awa to the
+coal-hole, and, giein' the key a canny turn in the lock, I went to my
+bed beside Nanse.
+
+At the dawn o' day, by cock-craw, Benjie and Tammy Bodkin, keen o' the
+ploy, were up and astir as anxious as if their life depended on it, to
+see that all was safe and snug and that the prisoner hadna shot the
+lock. They agreed to march sentry over him half-an-hour the piece, time
+about, the ane stretching himsel' out on a stool beside the kitchen fire
+by way of a bench in the guard-house, while the other gaed to and fro
+like the ticker of a clock.
+
+The back window being up a jink, I heard the two confabbing. "We'll draw
+cuts," said Benjie, "which is to walk sentry first. See, here's twa
+straes; the langest gets the choice." "I've won," cried Tammy, "so gang
+you in a while, and if I need ye, or grow frightened, I'll beat
+leatherty patch wi' my knuckles on the back door. But we had better see
+first what he is about, for he may be howking a hole through aneath the
+foundations. Thae fiefs can work like moudiewards." "I'll slip forrit,"
+said Benjie, "and gi'e a'peep." "Keep to a side," cried Tammy Bodkin,
+"for, dog on it, Moosey'll maybe ha'e a pistol; and, if his birse be up,
+he would think nae mair o' shooting ye as dead as a mawkin than I would
+do of taking my breakfast."
+
+"I'll rin past and gi'e a knock at the door wi' the poker to rouse him
+up?" askit Benjie.
+
+"Come away then," answered Tammie, "and ye'll hear him gi'e a yowl and
+commence gabbling like a goose."
+
+As all this was going on I rose and took a vizzy between the chinks of
+the window shutters, so just as I got my neb to the hole I saw Benjie as
+he flew past give the door a drive. His consternation, on finding it
+flee half open, may be easier imagined than described; for, expecting
+the Frenchman to bounce out like a roaring lion, they hurried like mad
+into the house, couping the creels ower ane anither, Tammie spraining
+his thumb against the back door, and Benjie's foot going into Tammie's
+coat pocket, which it carried away with it like a cloth sandal. What
+became o' the French vagrant is a matter o' surmise--nae mortal kens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE LIFE AND
+
+                ASTONISHING ADVENTURES
+
+                         OF
+
+                 PETER WILLIAMSON
+
+                     WHO WAS
+
+        _Carried off when a Child from Aberdeen_
+
+                AND SOLD FOR A SLAVE.
+
+
+I was born in the parish of Aboyne, Aberdeenshire, of respectable
+parents, who sent me very early to live with an aunt at Aberdeen. When,
+under the years of pupilarity, once playing on the quay with others of
+my companions--being of a stout robust constitution--I was taken notice
+of by two fellows belonging to a vessel in the harbour employed in the
+trade called kidnapping--that is, stealing young children from their
+parents, and selling them as slaves in plantations abroad. Being marked
+out by those monsters of impiety as their prey, I was cajoled on board
+the ship by them, where I was no sooner got than they conducted me
+between the decks to some others they had kidnapped in the same manner.
+At that time I had no sense of the fate that was destined for me, and
+spent the time in childish amusements with my fellow-sufferers in the
+steerage, being never suffered to go upon deck whilst the vessel lay in
+the harbour.
+
+In about a month's time the ship set sail for America. I cannot forget
+that, when we arrived on the coast we were destined for, a hard gale of
+wind sprung up from the S.E., and, to the captain's great surprise (he
+not thinking he was near land, although having been eleven weeks on the
+passage), about twelve o'clock at night, the ship struck on a sandbank
+off Cape May, near the Capes of Delaware, and, to the great terror and
+affright of the ship's company, in a short time was almost full of
+water. The boat was then hoisted out, into which the captain and his
+fellow villains, the crew, got with some difficulty, leaving me and my
+deluded companions to perish, as they then naturally concluded
+inevitable death to be our fate. Often in my distresses and miseries
+since, have I wished that such had been the consequence, when in a state
+of innocence! But Providence thought proper to reserve me for future
+trials of its goodness. Thus abandoned and deserted, without the least
+prospect of relief, but threatened every moment with death, did these
+villains leave us. The cries, the shrieks and tears of a parcel of
+infants had no effect on, or caused the least remorse in, the breasts of
+these merciless wretches. Scarce can I say to which to give the
+preference, whether to such as these who have had the opportunity of
+knowing the Christian religion, or to the savages hereinafter
+described--who profane not the gospel or boast of humanity; and if they
+act in a more brutal and butcherly manner, yet it is to their enemies,
+for the sake of plunder and the rewards offered them--for their
+principles are alike, the love of sordid gain being both their motives.
+The ship being on a sandbank, which did not give way to let her deeper,
+we lay in the same deplorable condition until morning, when, though we
+saw the land of Cape May at about a mile's distance, we knew not what
+would be our fate.
+
+The wind at length abated, and the captain, unwilling to lose all her
+cargo, about ten o'clock sent some of his crew in a boat to the ship's
+side to bring us on shore, where we lay in a sort of a camp, made of the
+sails of the vessel, and such other things as we could get. The
+provisions lasted us until we were taken in by a vessel bound to
+Philadelphia, lying on this island, as well as I can recollect, near
+three weeks. Very little of the cargo was saved undamaged, and the
+vessel was entirely lost.
+
+When arrived and landed at Philadelphia, the capital of Pennsylvania,
+the captain had people enough who came to buy us. He sold us at about
+£16 per head. What became of my unhappy companions I never knew. It was
+my lot to be sold to one of my countrymen, whose name was Hugh Wilson, a
+North Briton, who had in his youth undergone the same fate as myself,
+having been kidnapped from St. Johnstown, in Scotland.
+
+Happy was my lot in falling into my countryman's power, as he was,
+contrary to many others of his calling, a humane, worthy, honest man.
+Having no children of his own, and commiserating my unhappy condition,
+he took great care of me until I was fit for business, and about the
+twelfth year of my age, set me about little trifles, in which state I
+continued until my fourteenth year, when I was more fit for harder work.
+During such my idle state, seeing my fellow-servants often reading and
+writing, it incited in me an inclination to learn, which I intimated to
+my master, telling him I should be very willing to serve a year longer
+than the contract by which I was sold, if he would indulge me in going
+to school; this he readily agreed to, saying that winter would be the
+best time. It being then summer, I waited with impatience for the other
+season; but, to make some progress in my design, I got a Primer, and
+learned as much from my fellow-servants as I could. At school, where I
+went every winter for five years, I made a tolerable proficiency, and
+have ever since been improving myself at leisure hours. With this good
+master I continued till I was seventeen years old, when he died; and as
+a reward for my faithful service, he left me £200 currency, which was
+then about £150 sterling, his best horse, saddle, and all his wearing
+apparel.
+
+Being now my own master, having money in my pocket, and all other
+necessaries, I employed myself in jobbing about the country, working for
+any one that would employ me, for near seven years, when, thinking I had
+money sufficient to follow some better way of life, I resolved to
+settle, but thought one step necessary thereto was to be married; for
+which purpose I applied to the daughter of a substantial planter, and
+found my suit was not unacceptable to her or her father, so that matters
+were soon concluded upon, and we married. My father-in-law, in order to
+establish us in the world in an easy, if not affluent manner, made me a
+deed of gift of a tract of land, that lay, unhappily for me, as it has
+since proved, on the frontiers of the province of Pennsylvania, near the
+forks of Delaware, in Berks County, containing about two hundred acres,
+thirty of which were well cleared and fit for immediate use, whereon was
+a good house and barn. The place pleasing me well, I settled on it,
+though it cost me the major part of my money in buying stock, household
+furniture, and implements for out-door work. And happy as I was in a
+good wife, yet did my felicity last me not long, for about the year
+1754, the Indians in the French interest, who had for a long time before
+ravaged and destroyed other parts of America unmolested, I may very
+properly say, began to be very troublesome on the frontiers of our
+province, where they generally appeared in small skulking parties, with
+yellings, shoutings, and antic postures, instead of trumpets and drums,
+committing great devastations. The Pennsylvanians little imagined at
+first that the Indians, guilty of such outrages and violence, were some
+of those who pretended to be in the English interest, which, alas!
+proved to be too true to many of us; for, like the French in Europe,
+without regard to faith or treaties, they suddenly break out into
+furious, rapid outrages and devastations, but soon retire
+precipitately, having no stores nor provisions but what they meet with
+in their incursions. Some, indeed, carry a bag with biscuit or Indian
+corn therein, but not unless they have a long march to their destined
+place of action. And those French who were sent to dispossess us in that
+part of the world, being indefatigable in their duty, and continually
+contriving and using all manner of ways and means to win the Indians to
+their interest, many of whom had been too negligent, and sometimes, I
+may say, cruelly treated by those who pretend to be their protectors and
+friends, found it no very difficult matter to get over to their interest
+many who belonged to those nations in amity with us, especially as the
+rewards they gave them were so great, they paying for every scalp of an
+English person £15 sterling.
+
+Shocking to human nature were the barbarities daily committed by the
+savages, and are not to be parallelled in all the volumes of history!
+Scarce did a day pass but some unhappy family or other fell victims to
+savage cruelty. Terrible indeed it proved to me, as well as to many
+others. I that was now happy in an easy state of life, blessed with an
+affectionate and tender wife, who was possessed of all amiable
+qualities, to enable me to go through the world with that peace and
+serenity of mind which every Christian wishes to possess, became on a
+sudden one of the most unhappy and deplorable of mankind. Scarce can I
+sustain the shock which for ever recoils on me, at thinking on the last
+time of seeing that good woman. The fatal 2nd of October, 1754, she that
+day went from home to visit some of her relations. As I stayed up later
+than usual, expecting her return, none being in the house besides
+myself, how great was my surprise, terror, and affright, when, about
+eleven o'clock at night, I heard the dismal war-cry, or war-whoop of the
+savages, and to my inexpressible grief, soon found my house was attacked
+by them. I flew to my chamber window, and perceived them to be twelve
+in number. They making several attempts to get in, I asked them what
+they wanted. They gave me no answer, but continued beating and trying to
+get the door opened. Judge, then, the condition I must be in, knowing
+the cruelty and merciless disposition of those savages, should I fall
+into their hands. To escape which dreadful misfortune, having my gun
+loaded in my hand, I threatened them with death if they should not
+desist. But how vain and fruitless are the efforts of one man against
+the united force of so many, and of such merciless, undaunted, and
+blood-thirsty monsters as I had here to deal with. One of them that could
+speak a little English threatened me in return, that if I did not come
+out they would burn me alive in the house, telling me farther, that they
+were no friends to the English, but if I would come out and surrender
+myself prisoner, they would not kill me. My terror and distraction at
+hearing this is not to be expressed by words, nor easily imagined by any
+person, unless in the same condition. Little could I depend on the
+promises of such creatures, and yet if I did not, inevitable death, by
+being burnt alive, must be my lot. Distracted as I was, in such
+deplorable circumstances, I chose to rely on the uncertainty of their
+fallacious promises rather than meet with certain death by rejecting
+them, and, accordingly, went out of my house with my gun in my hand, not
+knowing what I did, or that I had it. Immediately on my approach, they
+rushed on me like so many tigers, and instantly disarmed me. Having me
+thus in their power, the merciless villains bound me to a tree near the
+door; they then went into the house and plundered and destroyed
+everything, carrying off what moveables they could; the rest, together
+with the house, they set fire to, and consumed before my eyes. The
+barbarians, not satisfied with this, set fire to my barn, stable, and
+outhouses, wherein were about two hundred bushels of wheat, six cows,
+four horses, and five sheep, which were entirely consumed to ashes.
+During the conflagration, to describe the thoughts, the fears, and
+misery that I felt, is utterly impossible; after this they untied me,
+and gave me a great load to carry on my back, under which I travelled
+all that night with them, full of the most terrible apprehensions, and
+oppressed with the greatest anxiety of mind, lest my unhappy wife should
+likewise have fallen a prey to those cruel monsters. At daybreak my
+infernal masters ordered me to lay down my load, when, tying my hands
+again round a tree with a small cord, they then forced the blood out of
+my finger-ends. They then kindled a fire near the tree whereto I was
+bound, which filled me with dreadful agonies, concluding I was going to
+be made a sacrifice to their barbarity.
+
+The fire being thus made, they for some time danced round me after their
+manner, with various odd motions and antic gestures, whooping,
+hallooing, and crying in a frightful manner, as it is their custom.
+Having satisfied themselves in this sort of their mirth, they proceeded
+in a more tragical manner, taking the burning coals and sticks, flaming
+with fire at the ends, holding them near my face, head, hands, and feet,
+with a deal of monstrous pleasure and satisfaction, and at the same time
+threatening to burn me entirely if I made the least noise or motion of
+my body. Thus tortured, as I was, almost to death, I suffered their
+brutal pleasure without being allowed to vent my inexpressible anguish
+otherwise than by shedding tears; even which, when these inhuman
+tormentors observed, with a shocking pleasure and alacrity, they would
+take fresh coals and apply near my eyes, telling me my face was wet, and
+that they would dry it for me. How I suffered these tortures I have here
+faintly described has been matter of wonder to me many times; but God
+enabled me to wait with more than common patience for a deliverance I
+daily prayed for.
+
+Having at length satisfied their brutal pleasure, they sat round the
+fire and roasted their meat, of which they had robbed my dwelling. When
+they had prepared it, and satisfied their voracious appetites, they
+offered some to me; though it is easily imagined I had but little
+appetite to eat, after the tortures and miseries I had undergone; yet
+was I forced to seem pleased with what they offered me, lest, by
+refusing it, they had again resumed their hellish practices. What I
+could not eat, I contrived to get between the bark and the tree where I
+was fixed, they having unbound my hands until they imagined I had ate
+all they gave me; but then they again bound me as before, in which
+deplorable condition was I forced to continue all that day. When the sun
+was set they put out the fire and covered the ashes with leaves, as is
+their usual custom, that the white people might not discover any traces
+or signs of their having been there.
+
+Going from thence along by the river, for the space of six miles, loaded
+as I was before, we arrived at a spot near the Apalachian mountains,
+where they hid their plunder under logs of wood; and oh! shocking to
+relate, from thence did these hellish monsters proceed to a neighbouring
+house, occupied by one Joseph Suider and his unhappy family--consisting
+of his wife, five children, and a young man, his servant. They soon got
+admittance into the unfortunate man's house, where they immediately,
+without the least remorse, and with more than brutal cruelty, scalped
+the tender parents and the unhappy children. Nor could the tears, the
+shrieks, or cries of these unhappy victims prevent their horrid
+massacre; for having thus scalped them, and plundered the house of
+everything that was moveable, they set fire to the same, where the poor
+creatures met their final doom amidst the flames, the hellish miscreants
+standing at the door, or as near the house as the flames would permit
+them, rejoicing and echoing back, in their diabolical manner, the
+piercing cries, heart-rending groans, and paternal and affectionate
+soothings, which issued from this most horrid sacrifice of an innocent
+family. Not contented with what they had already done, they still
+continued their inordinate villainy, in making a general conflagration
+of the barn and stables, together with all the corn, horses, cows, and
+everything on the place.
+
+Thinking the young man belonging to this unhappy family would be of some
+service to them in carrying part of their plunder, they spared his life,
+and loaded him and myself with what they had here got, and again marched
+to the Blue Hills, where they stowed their goods as before. My
+fellow-sufferer could not long bear the cruel treatment which we were
+both obliged to suffer, and complaining bitterly to me of being unable
+to proceed any farther, I endeavoured to condole him as much as lay in
+my power, to bear up under his afflictions, and wait with patience till,
+by the divine assistance, we should be delivered out of their clutches;
+but in vain, for he still continued his moans and tears, which one of
+the savages perceiving as we travelled on, instantly came up to us, and
+with his tomahawk gave him a blow on the head, which felled the unhappy
+youth to the ground, where they immediately scalped and left him. The
+suddenness of this murder shocked me to that degree, that I was in a
+manner like a statue, being quite motionless, expecting my fate would
+soon be the same; however, recovering my distracted thoughts, I
+dissembled the uneasiness and anguish which I felt as well as I could
+from the barbarians; but such was the terror that I was under, that for
+some time I scarce knew the days of the week, or what I did, so that, at
+this period, life indeed became a burden to me, and I regretted being
+saved from my first persecutors, the sailors.
+
+The horrid fact being completed, they kept on their course near the
+mountains, where they lay skulking four or five days, rejoicing at the
+plunder and store they had got. When provisions became scarce, they
+made their way towards Susquehana, where still, to add to the many
+barbarities they had already committed, passing near another house
+inhabited by an unhappy old man, whose name was John Adams, with his
+wife and four small children; and, meeting with no resistance, they
+immediately scalped the unhappy wife and her four children before the
+good old man's eyes. Inhuman and horrid as this was, it did not satiate
+them, for when they had murdered the poor woman, they acted with her in
+such a brutal manner as decency, or the remembrance of the crime, will
+not permit me to mention, and this even before the unhappy husband, who,
+not being able to avoid the sight, and incapable of affording her the
+least relief, entreated them to put an end to his miserable being. But
+they were as deaf and regardless to the tears, prayers, and entreaties
+of this venerable sufferer as they had been to those of the others, and
+proceeded in their hellish purpose of burning and destroying his house,
+barn, cattle, hay, corn, and everything the poor man a few hours before
+was master of. Having saved what they thought proper from the flames,
+they gave the old man, feeble, weak, and in the miserable condition he
+then was, as well as myself, burdens to carry, and loading themselves
+likewise with bread and meat, pursued their journey on towards the Great
+Swamp, where, being arrived, they lay for eight or nine days, sometimes
+diverting themselves in exercising the most atrocious and barbarous
+cruelties on their unhappy victim, the old man. Sometimes they would
+strip him naked and paint him all over with various sorts of colours,
+which they extracted or made from herbs and roots; at other times they
+would pluck the white hairs from his venerable beard, and tauntingly
+tell him he was a fool for living so long, and that they would show him
+kindness in putting him out of the world; to all which the poor creature
+could but vent his sighs, his tears, his moans, and entreaties, that, to
+my affrighted imagination, were enough to penetrate a heart of adamant,
+and soften the most obdurate savage. In vain, alas! were all his tears,
+for daily did they tire themselves with the various means they tried to
+torment him--sometimes tying him to a tree and whipping him, at others
+scorching his furrowed cheeks with red-hot coals, and burning his legs
+quite to the knees. But the good old man, instead of repining or
+wickedly arraigning the divine justice, like many others in such cases,
+even in the greatest agonies, incessantly offered up his prayers to the
+Almighty; with the most fervent thanksgivings for his former mercies,
+and hoping the flames, then surrounding and burning his aged limbs,
+would soon send him to the blissful mansions of the just, to be a
+partaker of the blessings there. And during such pious ejaculations, his
+infernal plagues would come round him, mimicking his heart-rending
+groans and piteous wailings. One night, after he had thus been
+tormented, whilst he and I were sitting together, condoling each other
+at the misfortunes and miseries we daily suffered, twenty scalps and
+three prisoners were brought in by another party of Indians. They had
+unhappily fallen into their hands in Cannojigge, a small town near the
+river Susquehana, chiefly inhabited by the Irish. These prisoners gave
+us some shocking accounts of the murders and devastations committed in
+their parts. The various and complicated actions of these barbarians
+would entirely fill a large volume; but what I have already written,
+with a few other instances which I shall select from the information,
+will enable the reader to guess at the horrid treatment the English, and
+Indians in their interest, suffered for many years past. I shall
+therefore only mention, in a brief manner, those that suffered near the
+same time with myself. This party who now joined us, had it not, I
+found, in their power to begin their wickedness as soon as those who
+visited my habitation, the first of their tragedies being on the 25th
+day of October, 1754, when John Lewis, with his wife and three small
+children, fell sacrifices to their cruelty, and were miserably scalped
+and murdered, his house, barn, and everything he possessed being burnt
+and destroyed. On the 28th, Jacob Miller, with his wife and six of his
+family, together with everything on his plantation, underwent the same
+fate. The 30th--the house, mill, barn, twenty head of cattle, two teams
+of horses, and everything belonging to the unhappy George Folke, met
+with the like treatment--himself, wife, and all his miserable family,
+consisting of nine in number, being inhumanly scalped, then cut in
+pieces and given to the swine, which devoured them. I shall give another
+instance of the numberless and unheard of barbarities they related of
+the savages, and proceed to their own tragical end. In short, one of the
+substantial traders belonging to the province, having business that
+called him some miles up the country, fell into the hands of these
+devils, who not only scalped him, but immediately roasted him before he
+was dead; then, like cannibals for want of other food, ate his whole
+body, and of his head made what they called an Indian pudding.
+
+From these few instances of savage cruelty, the deplorable, situation of
+the defenceless inhabitants, and what they hourly suffered in that part
+of the globe, must strike the utmost terror to a human soul, and cause
+in every breast the utmost detestation, not only against the authors of
+such tragic scenes, but against those who, through perfidy, inattention,
+or pusillanimous and erroneous principles, suffered these savages at
+first, unrepelled, or even unmolested, to commit such outrages and
+incredible depredations and murders; for no torments, no barbarities
+that can be exercised on the human sacrifices they get into their power,
+are left untried or omitted.
+
+The three prisoners that were brought with these additional forces,
+constantly repining at their lot, and almost dead with their excessive
+hard treatment, contrived at last to make their escape; but being far
+from their own settlements, and not knowing the country, were soon after
+met by some others of the tribes or nations at war with us, and brought
+back to their diabolical masters, who greatly rejoiced at having them
+again in their infernal power. The poor creatures, almost famished for
+want of sustenance, having had none during the time of their elopement,
+were no sooner in the clutches of the barbarians, than two of them were
+tied to a tree, and a great fire made round them, where they remained
+till they were terribly scorched and burnt, when one of the villains,
+with his scalping knife, ripped open their bellies, took out their
+entrails, and burnt them before their eyes, whilst the others were
+cutting, piercing, and tearing the flesh from their breasts, hands,
+arms, and legs, with red-hot irons, till they were dead. The third
+unhappy victim was reserved a few hours longer, to be, if possible,
+sacrificed in a more cruel manner. His arms were tied close to his body,
+and a hole being dug deep enough for him to stand upright, he was put
+therein, and earth rammed and beat in all round his body, up to the
+neck, so that his head only appeared above the ground; they then scalped
+him, and there let him remain for three or four hours in the greatest
+agonies; after which they made a small fire near his head, causing him
+to suffer the most excruciating torments imaginable, whilst the poor
+creature could only cry for mercy in killing him immediately, for his
+brains were boiling in his head. Inexorable to all his plaints, they
+continued the fire, whilst, shocking to behold, his eyes gushed out of
+their sockets; and such agonizing torments did the unhappy creature
+suffer for near two hours, till he was quite dead! They then cut off his
+head and buried it with the other bodies, my task being to dig the
+graves, which, feeble and terrified as I was, the dread of suffering the
+same fate enabled me to do. I shall not here take up the reader's time
+in vainly attempting to describe what I felt on such an occasion, but
+continue my narrative, as more equal to my abilities.
+
+A great snow now falling, the barbarians were a little fearful lest the
+white people should, by their traces, find out their skulking retreats,
+which obliged them to make the best of their way to their winter
+quarters, about two hundred miles farther from any plantation or
+inhabitants, where, after a long and tedious journey, being almost
+starved, I arrived with this infernal crew. The place where we were to
+rest, in their tongue, is called Alamingo. There were found a number of
+wigwams full of their women and children. Dancing, shooting, and
+shouting were their general amusements; and in all their festivals and
+dances they relate what successes they have had, and what damages they
+have sustained in their expeditions, in which I became part of their
+theme. The severity of the cold increasing, they stripped me of my
+clothes, for their own use, and gave me such as they usually wore
+themselves, being a piece of blanket, a pair of mogganes, or shoes, with
+a yard of coarse cloth to put round me instead of breeches. To describe
+their dress and manner of living may not be altogether unacceptable to
+some of my readers; but, as the size of this book will not permit me to
+be so particular as I might otherwise be, I shall just observe that they
+in general wear a white blanket, which in war-time they paint with
+various figures, but particularly the leaves of trees, in order to
+deceive their enemies when in the woods. Their mogganes are made of
+deer-skins, and the best sort have them bound round the edges with
+little beads and ribbands. On their legs they wear pieces of blue cloth
+for stockings, some like our soldiers' splatter-dashes. They reach
+higher than their knees, but not lower than their ancles. They esteem
+them easy to run in. Breeches they never wear, but instead thereof, two
+pieces of linen, one before and another behind. The better sort have
+shirts of the finest linen they can get, and to these some wear ruffles;
+but these they never put on till they have painted them of various
+colours, which they get from the pecone root and bark of trees, and
+never pull them off to wash, but wear them till they fall to pieces.
+They are very proud, and take great delight in wearing trinkets, such as
+silver plates round their wrists and necks, with several strings of
+wampum, which is made of cotton, interwoven with pebbles, cockleshells,
+etc., down to their breasts, and from their ears and noses they have
+rings or beads, which hang dangling an inch or two. The men have no
+beards, to prevent which they use certain instruments and tricks as soon
+as it begins to grow. The hair of their heads is managed differently;
+some pluck out and destroy all, except a lock hanging from the crown of
+the head, which they interweave with wampum and feathers of various
+colours. The women wear it very long, twisted down their backs with
+beads, feathers, and wampum, and on their heads most of them wear little
+coronets of brass or copper; round their middle they wear a blanket
+instead of a petticoat. The females are very chaste and constant to
+their husbands; and if any young maiden should happen to have a child
+before marriage, she is never esteemed afterwards. As for their food,
+they get it chiefly by hunting and shooting, and boil or roast all the
+meat they eat. Their standing dish consists of Indian corn soaked, then
+bruised and boiled. Their bread is likewise made of wild oats, or
+sunflower seeds. Their gun, tomahawk, scalping-knife, powder, and shot,
+they carry with them in time of war. They in war decline open
+engagements--bush-fighting or skulking is their discipline. They are
+brave when engaged, having great fortitude in enduring tortures, and are
+the most implacably vindictive people upon the earth; for they revenge
+the death of any relation, or any affront, whenever occasion presents,
+let the distance of time be ever so remote. After long enduring the
+greatest of hardships with these Indians, I at last escaped out of their
+hands, and went to Quebec, where I was put on board a French packet
+bound for England; and after a passage of six weeks, we at last, to our
+great joy, arrived at Plymouth on the 6th of November, 1756.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                   FAMOUS EXPLOITS
+
+                         OF
+
+                     ROBIN HOOD
+
+            LITTLE JOHN AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL.
+
+              INCLUDING AN ACCOUNT OF HIS
+
+              BIRTH, EDUCATION, AND DEATH.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _The Birth and Parentage of Robin Hood._
+
+
+Kind gentlemen, listen a while to my story, and I will tell you the bold
+exploits of the famous Robin Hood and his comrade, Little John.
+
+All England was filled with the renown of Robin Hood, and the great and
+the valiant stood in fear of him. He never harmed the poor, for he
+pitied their fate, and only spoiled the wealthy and proud, or nobles and
+slothful bishops, who lived in state on the fruit of the husbandman's
+toil. Robin was born in the merry town of Locksley, in Nottinghamshire.
+His father was a stout forester, and kept the deer of King Richard the
+First; his mother was niece to the celebrated Sir Guy of Warwick, and
+was sister to Squire Gamewell, of Great Gamewell Hall.
+
+One day (when Robin was about fourteen years old) his mother thus spoke
+to her spouse--"Dear husband, to-morrow is Christmas Day, therefore let
+Robin and I take a ride to Gamewell Hall this morning to see my brother
+and taste his good ale and pudding. The squire was overjoyed to see his
+sister, and young Robin learned the use of the bow, and became the best
+marksman in the place."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Robin's Progress to Nottingham. Being an Account of his
+                Adventures with the Fifteen Foresters._
+
+
+Robin Hood was now about fifteen years old; in person tall and stout,
+and of a good countenance; in courage and strength few equalled him. One
+day he determined to take a journey to Nottingham, hearing that the king
+had appointed a shooting match in that town, to be disputed by the best
+archers. When he came thither he happened to fall into company with
+fifteen stout foresters, who sat drinking and laughing together. "What
+news, what news?" said bold Robin Hood, "that you drink and talk so
+merrily." The foresters who despised him on account of his youth,
+answered roughly, "We are come to win the king's prize, which we are
+resolved to carry off, in spite of all opposition, and will not be
+questioned by boys." "I have as good a bow as the best," said Robin
+Hood, "and will contest the prize with you." "We hold thee and thy bow
+in scorn," said they; "shall a stripling like thee bear a bow before the
+king's archers, that is not able to draw the string?" "I'll lay a bet of
+twenty crowns," said Robin, "that I win the king's prize, and hit the
+mark at a hundred yards distance."
+
+    "Doubt not I'll make the wager good,
+    Or ne'er believe bold Robin Hood."
+
+The mark was a running hart, let loose for the purpose; and when the
+other bowmen had tried their skill, Robin took his bow, and his
+well-made arrows, and taking good aim, fairly hit the mark, at a hundred
+yards distance, the multitude shouted, and hailed the young victor with
+joy. "The prize is mine," said Robin Hood, "I claim it; the wager, too,
+is mine, give it me." "The prize is none of thine," said the fifteen
+foresters, "and the wager shall be none of thine. Take up thy bow,
+insolent boy, and begone, or we will break thy bones." Robin Hood, full
+of rage, cried out, "You said I was no archer, but you have found me
+one, and you now deny me my reward."
+
+He then took up his bow and departed, but having learnt which way the
+foresters must take at their return home, he repaired to the place where
+he had left his merry men, and, consulting together, they resolved to
+lie in ambush in the road. After a while they saw the foresters
+approaching, shouting and singing, because they had brought off the
+king's prize; but when Robin Hood and his men presented themselves in
+battle array, their mirth was quickly changed into terror and amazement.
+At first they made a show of resistance, but finding the number of their
+adversaries to be more than treble their own, they threw down their arms
+and begged for mercy. "You said I was no archer," cried Robin Hood; "now
+say so again, and let him that chooses it fly for his life, and see if
+my arrows can overtake him." "We beg for mercy," cried the foresters;
+"lo! here is the prize that you won, and the wager of twenty crowns."
+"Well," said Robin, "as you submit quietly, I will grant you your lives,
+but you shall not escape without some reward for your deeds." He and his
+men then stripped them of their clothes, leaving them no covering but
+their trousers, and having cut off their hair and their ears, daubed
+their faces with a mixture of yellow and red; afterwards they bound
+their hands, and tied a large pair of antlers on each of their heads,
+and in this most ridiculous state drove them back into the town,
+telling them if they offered to return they should not escape with their
+lives. As soon as they entered the streets the whole place was in an
+uproar, and, what with the barking of a hundred dogs, the squalling of
+women, and hooting of boys and men, there was such a hubbub as never
+before had been known in the town of Nottingham.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+     _Robin Hood and Little John. Being an Account of their
+            First Meeting, and how their Acquaintance
+        and Friendship began, with their Merry Reception in
+                         Sherwood Bower._
+
+
+When bold Robin Hood was about twenty years old he happened to meet with
+a jolly stranger, whom he afterwards called Little John. This man,
+though called little, was a lusty young blade; his limbs were large, and
+his person seven feet high. Wherever he went people quaked at his name,
+and he made all his enemies to fly before him. 'Twas thus their
+acquaintance began:--
+
+Robin and his men had built, in Sherwood Forest, a strong and secret
+bower, so artfully contrived and hidden among the woods, that none but
+themselves could ever find them out, and to which they retreated in
+cases of need. Here Robin once continued fourteen days with his merry
+bowmen, and then he said to them--"Tarry a while in this grove, my brave
+men; we have had no sport for these many long days, therefore, I will
+wander abroad a short way to seek some amusement. But do you be
+attentive, and hear whenever I blow an alarm with my loud bugle horn,
+for by this means I will let you know if I want your assistance."
+
+After he had strayed some time near a brook, he espied a tall and lusty
+stranger coming towards him. They happened to meet on a long, narrow
+wooden bridge, and neither of them would give way to let the other pass.
+Robin Hood at length, being enraged, drew an arrow from his quiver, and
+threatened to shoot at the stranger's breast. "You dare not," said the
+other, "for if you offer to touch the string, I'll beat out your teeth
+and tumble you into the brook. You see I have nothing but a staff in my
+hand, and none but a coward would offer to fight with weapons so
+different." "The name of a coward," said Robin, "I scorn; I will
+therefore lay aside my bow and arrows and take a stout staff to prove
+thy manhood." The stranger accepted the challenge, and the sport was
+quickly begun. At first Robin gave the man such a stroke that it made
+his sides ring. The other said, "I must pay you for this, friend, and
+give you as good as you send, for as long as I am able to handle a staff
+I scorn to die in your debt." He then gave Robin so hearty a knock on
+the crown, that the blood ran trickling down to his ears. Robin now
+engaged more fiercely, and laid on his blows so thick and fast, that he
+made his adversary's coat smoke as if it had been on fire; but the
+stranger waxing most furious and strong, at length gave Robin such a
+terrible side-blow, that it quite beat him down and tumbled him into the
+brook. Then, in laughter, he called out to his fallen foe, "Prithee,
+where art thou now, my good fellow!" "Why, faith," said Robin, "I swim
+with the tide, as every man should do." He now swam along to the bank,
+and pulled himself out by a thorn, and then said to the conqueror, "Thou
+art a brave soul, I will contend no longer with thee."
+
+He then took up his horn and blew such a blast with it as made the hills
+echo all around. Presently they saw coming hastily down the hillside a
+band of brave archers, clothed in a livery of green. They quickly came
+up to Robin Hood, and Will Stuckley (their leader) cried out, "Pray,
+what is the matter, good master? why, you seem wet to the skin!" "No
+matter for that," said Robin, "the man that stands by has, in fighting,
+tumbled me into the brook." "If that be the case," said his men, "he
+shall not escape without a good ducking in the same stream." "Not so,
+my brave men," said Robin Hood, "he is a stout, hearty fellow, that
+fought me fairly. My friend," said he to the stranger, "pray be not
+afraid, for no harm shall befall thee; all these are my bowmen, that
+come at my call, and if thou wilt live with me, and be one of them, thou
+shalt quickly put on such a dress as theirs; we will teach thee the use
+of the bow to shoot the fat deer, for we live gloriously, without any
+restraint, and fear not the laws." "Then here is my hand," replied the
+stranger, "I'll serve thee with a willing mind, for I perceive you are
+all brave, hearty fellows. My name is John Little, I am a man of some
+skill, and at all times will play my part well."
+
+"His name shall be altered," said Will Stuckley, "I like not the sound
+of John Little, his name shall be called Little John."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Robin Hood and the Butchers, with his Comical Behaviour
+                 to the Sheriff of Nottingham._
+
+
+One day as Robin Hood was taking his walk through the forest, he
+happened to behold a jolly butcher, sitting between his hampers, on a
+stout young mare, going to sell his meat at market. "Good morrow, honest
+fellow," said Robin; "prithee, what food hast thou in thy hampers, and
+from whence comest thou? for I seem to have a liking to thy company."
+The butcher replied, "No matter from whence I come, master, nor where I
+dwell; you may see that I am a butcher, and am going to Nottingham to
+sell my meat." "Wilt thou sell thy meat to me?" said Robin; "tell me the
+price of it altogether; also, what thou wilt have for the mare that
+carries thee, and all thy other accoutrements; we will not differ about
+the cost, for I would fain be a butcher for once." "The price of my meat
+and the price of my mare," said the butcher, "shall be twenty good
+marks; and I think they are nothing too dear." Robin agreed, and set
+out to Nottingham to begin his butcher's trade; and when he came
+thither, took up his inn next door to the sheriff's house. When other
+butchers began to open their shops he opened his; but was at a loss how
+to sell his meat, being so young a butcher; however he was determined
+not to be undersold, and he found customers plenty. When the other
+butchers could not sell a joint Robin's trade went on briskly, and no
+butcher could match him; for he sold more meat for one penny than others
+could do for five. He sold his meat so fast that the butchers of
+Nottingham were at a stand to know who this bold fellow was. "Surely,"
+said they, "he is some prodigal that has sold his father's land; and is
+thus sporting away his money." They then, stepped up to him to make
+acquaintance. "Come, brother," said they, "we are all of one trade, let
+us go and dine together; the sheriff has provided a treat for the
+butchers to-day; and you must go with us." "Agreed," said bold Robin,
+"may that butcher be hanged that can deny the request of his brethren."
+
+After dinner the sheriff said to Robin, "Hast thou any cattle or horned
+beasts to sell, my good fellow? if thou hast I would fain buy them of
+thee." "Yes, that I have, Master Sheriff," said Robin; "I have eight or
+ten score of horned beasts that I long to have sold, and they are fat
+and fair." The sheriff then saddled his dappled grey horse and set out
+with Robin Hood to behold his horned cattle, taking with him plenty of
+gold to complete his bargain. When they came to Sherwood Forest the
+sheriff began to be apprehensive of some danger, and trembled for fear,
+saying, "Heaven defend us from a wonderful bold man that is called Robin
+Hood, who plays a thousand wicked pranks in this country, and empties
+the pockets of every rich man he meets." They had not gone much farther
+before they beheld an hundred head of fat deer that came tripping along
+the road; and then Robin cried out, "Look here, Master Sheriff, behold
+my herd of horned beasts; how like you their colour and their make?
+they seem fat and fair to the eye." "What dost thou mean, fellow?" said
+the sheriff; "I wish I was safe out of this forest, for I like not thy
+company." "Then will you not buy?" said Robin Hood; "however, since you
+came hither to buy my cattle, you must pay whether you take them or
+not." He then put his horn to his mouth and blew a loud blast with it.
+Quickly Little John and his company appeared, and said, "Pray, what is
+your pleasure, good master?" Said Robin, "I have brought the sheriff of
+Nottingham to eat with you to-day, and I hope you will make him right
+welcome." "He is welcome, kind master," said John; "but I hope he will
+honestly pay for cooking." Robin now bade the sheriff dismount, and,
+taking his mantle from his back, quickly told out his gold; then he took
+him to his bower and feasted him well; afterwards he set him again on
+his dapple grey horse and brought him back through the wood. "Commend me
+to your wife at home, my kind sir," said Robin; so he turned and went
+laughing away.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Robin Hood and Allen Adale, with his Generous Behaviour
+                    to Two Distressed Lovers._
+
+
+As bold Robin Hood one day was standing in the forest just under the
+green oaken tree, he espied a gallant young man, clothed in scarlet and
+white, as gay as a lark, who came tripping along the road singing a
+roundelay. He seemed in great haste and quickly was out of sight. Next
+morning as Robin Hood stood in the same place he beheld the same young
+man coming over the plain, but his carriage was totally changed; he now
+passed slowly along and his head hung drooping upon his breast. Little
+John stepped towards him, to know who he was, but when the young man saw
+him coming he bent his bow and said, "Stand off, thou bold forester;
+what wouldest thou have with me?" "You must come before our master," he
+replied, "who is standing under the green oaken tree; come without delay
+and no harm shall befall thee." And when he was come before Robin Hood,
+Robin said to him, "Hast thou any money to spare for my merry men and
+me? Come, answer without fear." "Indeed I have no money to spare," said
+the young man; "I have but five shillings and a little gold ring, and
+this ring I have kept for these seven long years to present to my bride
+on my wedding day. Yesterday I should have married the maid that I love,
+but she was chosen to be an old knight's wife, and taken from me by
+force; therefore my heart is nearly broken?"
+
+Robin Hood now set out, with fifty stout archers in his train, nor did
+they stop till they came near to the church where Allen should have been
+married. He then concealed his men while he went boldly into the church.
+"What dost thou here, bold man?" said the bishop. "I am a merry harper,"
+said Robin, "as good as any in the north." "O, welcome then," said the
+bishop, "for that music is my delight." Presently there came in a
+wealthy old knight leading a young damsel by the hand, of a fair though
+sorrowful countenance, dressed in her glittering attire. "This is not a
+fit match," said bold Robin Hood, "the bridegroom is much too old and
+uncomely; but since I am here, and the bride is prepared, she shall now
+choose her own mate."
+
+Robin then applied the horn to his mouth, and blew twice and thrice with
+it, at the sound of which his fifty stout bowmen came leaping over the
+churchyard, and the first man was Allen Adale, who gave bold Robin his
+bow. "This is thy true lover," said Robin; "come, take her, and be
+married before we depart." "That never shall be," said the bishop; "thy
+speech is too bold, and the law of our country requires that they be
+three times asked in the church." Robin Hood then pulled off the
+bishop's rich apparel, and put it upon Little John, and made him appear
+like a priest. "By my faith," said Robin, laughing, "that clothing
+becomes thee well; thou now lookest like a man and a bishop; therefore
+begin thy office." When Little John went to the desk the people began to
+laugh and seemed to enjoy the joke; he asked them full seven times over
+to make the banns sure, lest three times should not be enough. "Who
+gives this fair maid to Allen Adale for a wife?" said Little John. "I
+give her to him with all my heart," said Robin Hood, "and he that dare
+to oppose, or take her away from her spouse, shall buy her dearly."
+
+Thus ended this merry wedding, and the new married pair returned with
+Robin Hood to Sherwood bower.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Robin Hood and his Kinsman. Showing how he met and
+         fought with a Stranger, who afterwards proved to
+                       be his Cousin Scarlet._
+
+
+As Robin walked about the forest one day he met with a comely young man,
+dressed in a doublet of silk, with scarlet hose, travelling boldly along
+with a stout bow in his hand. A herd of fat deer happened to be feeding
+not far distant, which, when the stranger saw, he bent his bow, and shot
+the best of them through the heart. "Well shot, well shot," said Robin
+Hood, "thy aim was good and sure; I like a bold archer well; and if thou
+wilt be one of my comrades, and live in my bower, I will treat thee with
+noble entertainment, and pay thee well besides." "Go, talk with thy
+grandame," said the stranger, "and make no such wild offers to me, or
+else I shall use thee somewhat rudely." "Thou hadst better be quiet,"
+said Robin, "for if thou shouldest offer to make an assault, thou wilt
+dearly repent of the deed; my arm is not weak, and thou mayest see that
+I carry a bow; besides, though I am now alone, should I blow an alarm
+with my loud bugle-horn, I should quickly have at my command a hundred
+brave men." "I defy all thy power," said the other, "and if thou
+offerest to touch thy horn, my good broad-sword shall cut it in two, and
+strike thee to the dust." Bold Robin Hood then bent his stout bow, and
+stood ready to shoot at his foe. The stranger also took his strong bow
+and as readily stood on his guard. "Prithee, let us hold our hands,"
+said Robin Hood, "for if we attempt to shoot, one of us must infallibly
+die; let us now lay aside our bows and try each other's skill with
+bucklers and good broadswords." These rivals in skill then fought
+stoutly and boldly, and many a hard blow resounded upon their bucklers.
+They aimed their strong blows above and below, from the head to the
+feet, but neither of them could make the other give way. Robin Hood at
+length gave the stranger such a mighty stroke that it made the fire fly
+from his eyes, and almost deprived him of his senses. "I hope to give
+thee a blow," said the stranger, "that shall shame all the rest, and put
+an end to the fray." Then presently, taking good aim with his sword, he
+struck Robin upon the head with such force, that the blood soon appeared
+and ran trickling down his cheeks. "By my faith," said Robin Hood, "I
+must now beg for quarter; prithee, my brave fellow, tell me who thou
+art, and what is thy name, for I love and respect a brave man." The
+stranger answered, "I was born and bred in the town of Maxfield, and my
+name is Gamewell; I am forced to fly from home and to hide myself for
+having killed my father's steward, who had falsely accused me; and I
+came to this forest to seek a bold uncle of mine, who goes by the name
+of bold Robin Hood." "Art thou then a cousin of bold Robin Hood's?"
+answered he; "had I known it before, our fight would have been sooner
+done." "On my life," said the stranger, "I am his first kin, and son to
+his mother's second brother, who now lives at court with the king, and
+for gallant deeds he performed in Palestine he is soon to be made a
+noble peer." When Robin heard this he embraced him with great joy, and
+soon let him know that he himself was his uncle Robin Hood. They then
+set out for the green shady bower, and met Little John by the way.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Robin Hood and Bishop of Hereford. Robin Hood in
+    Distress changes Clothes with an old Woman to Escape from
+        the Bishop, whom he afterwards takes Prisoner, and
+                     obliges him to sing Mass._
+
+
+Robin Hood and all his men were now outlawed, because they had broken
+the forest laws (which were very severe), and had killed the king's fat
+deer.
+
+As Robin walked out one fine summer's day, when the fields were pleasant
+and green, and the birds sang sweetly in the bushes, he was tempted to
+wander beyond the skirts of the forest, far away from his bower; and as
+he was thinking of going back he was espied by the proud bishop of
+Hereford, who was passing along with a great company. "Oh, what shall I
+now do?" said Robin to himself. "If the bishop should take me I shall be
+hanged without mercy." Then Robin turned nimbly about and ran with full
+speed to the house of an old woman whom he knew. "Good woman," said
+Robin, "I pray you let me in, for yonder is the bishop and all his men,
+and if I am taken, I must die." "Why, who art thou," said the old woman,
+"that comest hither in such a fright?" "I am Robin Hood," he replied;
+"canst thou not recollect me?" "I think I now do," said the old woman,
+"and if thou art even Robin Hood, I will provide for thy safety and hide
+thee from the proud bishop and his company." "Then give me thy gown and
+thy female attire," said Robin, "and put thee on my livery of green:
+give me also thy distaff and spindle, and take my arrows and bow."
+
+When Robin Hood was thus arrayed he went forth without fear, and
+returned to his men in the wood. When Little John saw him thus dressed,
+coming over the forest, he cried, "Behold, who is yonder, that seems
+approaching this way; the old woman looks like a witch, and I will send
+an arrow to meet her." "Hold thy hand, hold thy hand," said Robin Hood,
+"I am thy master in disguise, and this habit I was forced to put on to
+escape from a strong enemy who had me in chase."
+
+Now, in the meantime, the bishop went to the old woman's house, and with
+a loud, furious voice, cried, "Bring that traitor, Robin Hood, that I
+may take him along with me and make him pay the forfeit of all his bad
+deeds." The old woman then came out dressed like Robin, and the bishop
+placed her upon a grey steed, while he rode along laughing for joy that
+he had seized upon bold Robin Hood. But as they were riding through the
+forest in which their road lay, the bishop espied a hundred tall men,
+stout and brave, coming out of the wood, with their arrows in their
+hands. "Oh, who are all these bowmen?" said the bishop, "and who is that
+man that leads them towards us so boldly?" "In good faith," said the old
+woman, "I think it is bold Robin Hood." "Then who art thou," said the
+bishop, trembling with fear. "I am only a poor old woman, proud bishop,"
+said she: "hast thou any occasion for me now?" Robin Hood coming up,
+took the bishop by the hand, and placing him upon the stump of a tree
+made him tune his voice and sing a full mass to all the company;
+afterwards they brought him through the wood, and having set him upon
+his horse with his face towards the tail, they charged him for ever
+after to pray for Robin Hood, and putting the tail in his hand, bid him
+begone.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _Robin Hood and the Three Yeomen. Robin delivers Three
+       Yeomen from Nottingham Gallows, who were going
+            to be Hanged for Killing the King's Deer._
+
+
+As Robin Hood wandered about the fields one day he met a fair lady who
+came weeping along the road in great distress. "Oh, why do you weep so
+pitifully," said Robin, "and what is the cause of your great distress?"
+"I weep," she replied, "for the sorrowful fate of three brothers, the
+bravest and dearest of men, who are all condemned to die." "What church
+have they robbed?" said Robin, "or what parish priest have they killed?
+or have they in treason been caught against the rightful king?" "Woe is
+me!" said the lady, "for my brothers must die, and only for killing the
+king's fallow deer." "They shall not die," said bold Robin Hood;
+"therefore go your way quickly home, and I will hasten to Nottingham for
+the sake of your three hapless brothers."
+
+Robin Hood then set out to Nottingham, and in his way met with a poor
+beggar man, who came walking slowly and mournfully along the highway.
+"What news, my old man?" said Robin, "what news dost thou bring from the
+town?" "Oh! there is weeping and wailing in Nottingham town," cried the
+old beggar man, "for the sake of three yeomen who are condemned to die,
+for they are greatly beloved."
+
+The beggar had a tattered old coat upon his back which was neither
+green, yellow, nor red, but some of every colour; and Robin Hood thought
+it would be no disgrace, for once, to be in the beggar's dress. "Come,
+pull off thy coat, my old beggar," said he, "and thou shalt put on mine,
+and thirty shillings beside I will give thee to buy bread and beer."
+When Robin was thus arrayed, away he went to the town, and when he came
+thither he soon found the sheriff and his men, and likewise the three
+sorrowful yeomen who were going to die. "One favour I humbly beg," said
+bold Robin Hood to the sheriff, "that I may be the hangman when the
+three yeomen are to die." "'Tis granted with free goodwill," said the
+sheriff; "therefore go and prepare thyself for thine office, for they
+have but few hours to live."
+
+Robin then returned to his brave band of archers, whom he brought and
+placed in ambush near the field where the gallows was fixed; afterwards
+going again to the sheriff, the three yeomen were led to the appointed
+spot. "Now, begin thine office, my jolly hangman," said the sheriff,
+"for these yeomen no longer must live; and thou shalt have all their
+good clothing, and all their money besides."
+
+Then Robin mounted the gallows, with his horn in his hand, and he made
+it sound loud and shrill, when quickly came marching over the field a
+hundred and more of his faithful bowmen, all clothed in green. "Whose
+men are all these," said the sheriff, "that come marching so boldly this
+way?" "Oh, these are all Robin Hood's men," said he, "and they are come
+to fetch me, and likewise to take the three yeomen, who are going to
+die." "Oh, take them, pray take them, without more ado," said the
+sheriff; "for there is not a man in all Nottingham that can do the like
+of thee."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _Robin Hood and the Tinker of Banbury._
+
+
+In summer time when the leaves were green and birds sang merrily upon
+every tree, Robin Hood set out to Nottingham in disguise, and as he went
+along the road he overtook a jolly tinker. Robin greeted him kindly, and
+after some discourse, said, "Tell me whence thou comest, my jolly
+fellow, and in what town thou wast bred, for I hear there is sad news in
+Nottingham, and when thou knowest it thou may not choose to go thither."
+"I come from Banbury," said the other, "where I was born and bred, and
+am a tinker by trade; now tell me the news thou hast heard." "My news is
+only this," said Robin, "two tinkers were yesterday set in the stocks
+for drinking ale and strong beer." "If that be all," said the tinker, "I
+value not your news a farthing; for in drinking good ale and beer I am
+sure never to be outdone, and resolve to have my share; and if I may
+judge by your looks, you often take a good part." "Now," said Robin
+Hood, "tell me what news has come to thy ears, for, as thou travellest
+from town to town, thou canst never be in want of good stories." "All
+the news that I lately have heard," said the tinker, "relates to a bold
+outlaw who is called Robin Hood; the king has given out warrants to
+apprehend him, and I have one in my pocket to take him, whenever I can
+find him; and if thou canst tell me where he is, and assist me to seize
+him, it will make us rich men, for a hundred pounds, or more, will be
+our reward." "Let me see the warrant," said Robin, "that I may know if
+it be good, and I will do the best that I can to assist thee in taking
+him this very night." "My warrant I shall not let thee see," said the
+tinker, "for I dare not trust it out of my hand."
+
+As soon as they came to Nottingham they went to a good inn, and calling
+for strong ale and wine, the tinker drank so much that he forgot what he
+had to do, so that at night Robin made haste away, taking the tinker's
+warrant, and left him in the lurch to pay all the reckoning. When the
+tinker awoke in the morning and found that his comrade was gone, he
+called for the host and said, "I had a warrant from the king that might
+have done me good, for it was to take a bold outlaw called Robin Hood;
+but now my warrant is stolen away from me, and I have not money enough
+to pay the score, for the man that came with me last night is fled away;
+therefore tell me what I have got to pay, and I will leave my tools with
+thee in pledge till I return."
+
+The tinker then went his way, and soon learnt in the town that the only
+way to find out bold Robin Hood was to seek him in the parks, killing
+the king's deer. Away then he went, and made no delay till he found
+Robin Hood chasing the deer through the woods. "What bold knave is
+that," said Robin, "that comes so freely to hinder my sport." "No knave
+am I," cried the tinker, "and that you soon will know to your cost;
+which of us have done wrong my crab-tree shall decide." The tinker and
+Robin then fought manfully, and the fray lasted three hours, or more,
+but at length the tinker thrashed Robin's bones so sore, that he made
+him cry out for peace. "One favour I have to beg," said Robin Hood, "and
+I pray thee to grant it me." "The only favour I will grant," said the
+tinker, "is to hang thee on a tree." But while the tinker turned round,
+Robin blew his horn, at the sound of which Little John and Will Scarlet
+quickly appeared, and said, "What is the matter, dear master, that you
+look so forlorn?" "Here is a tinker standing by," said Robin, "that has
+thrashed my bones sore." When they heard this they were going to seize
+him by the throat, but Robin said, "Let our quarrel now cease, that
+henceforth we may be friends with the tinker, and he with us; and if he
+will consent to be one of us, I will yearly give him fifty pounds, as
+long as he lives, which he may spend in the way which he likes best." So
+at last the tinker consented, and went along with them to their bower.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _Robin Hood's Death._
+
+
+And now I must bring my stories to a close, and the unhappy death of
+valiant Robin Hood.
+
+Robin fell ill, and because he required to be treated with skill, he
+went to Kirkley Abbey, where they sent for a monk to bleed him, and this
+monk being eager to get the reward that King Henry had set upon Robin
+Hood's head, most treacherously bled him to death.
+
+Thus he that never feared a sword or a bow, or any man that lived, was
+basely killed, in letting of blood, and died without a friend to close
+his eyes. As soon as his men heard of his death they were filled with
+grief and dismay, and fled away in haste. Some of them crossed the seas
+and went to Flanders, some to France, and some to Spain and Rome.
+
+    Robin, Earl of Huntingdon,
+    Lies underneath this marble stone;
+    No archer ever was so good--
+    His name it was bold ROBIN HOOD.
+    Full thirty years, and something more,
+    These northern parts he vexed sore.
+    Such outlaws as he, in any reign,
+    May England never see again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                      HISTORY OF
+
+                     DR. FAUSTUS
+
+                       SHOWING
+
+    His wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+       to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+       what he pleased, also many strange things done by him
+       with the assistance of
+
+                     MEPHISTOPHELES.
+
+    With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+       twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Dr. Faustus' birth and education, with an account of his
+                      falling from the Scriptures._
+
+
+Dr. John Faustus was born in Germany. His father was a poor labouring
+man, not able to bring up his son John; but he had a brother in the same
+country, who was a very rich man, but had never a child, and took a
+great fancy to his cousin, and he resolved to make a scholar of him; and
+in order thereunto, put him to the Latin school, where he took his
+learning extraordinary well. Afterwards he put him to the University to
+study divinity; but Faustus could in no ways fancy that employment;
+wherefore he betook himself to the studying of that which his
+inclination is most for, viz., necromancy and conjuration, and in a
+little time few or none could outstrip him in the art. He also studied
+divinity, of which he was made Doctor; but within a short time fell into
+such deep fancies and cogitations that he resolved to throw the
+Scriptures from him, and betake himself wholly to the studying of
+necromancy and conjuration, charms and soothsaying, witchcraft, and the
+like.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Dr. Faustus conjured up the Devil, making him appear
+                         at his own house._
+
+
+Faustus, whose mind was to study conjuration, the which he followed
+night and day, he took the wings of an eagle, and endeavoured to fly
+over the world, to see and know all the secrets of heaven and earth; so
+that in a short time he attained power to command the Devil to appear
+before him when he pleased. One day as Dr. Faustus was walking in a wood
+near to Wurtemberg, in Germany, he having a friend with him who was
+desirous to know of the doctor's art, he desired him to let him see if
+he could then and there bring Mephistopheles before him; all which the
+doctor immediately did, and the devil upon the first call made such a
+noise in the wood as if heaven and earth would have come together; then
+the devil made such a roaring as if the wood had been full of wild
+beasts. The doctor made a circle for the devil, the which circle the
+devil ran round, making a noise as if ten thousand waggons had been
+running upon paved stones. After this it thundered and lightened, as if
+the whole world had been on fire. Faustus and his friend, amazed at this
+noise, and the devil's long tarrying, thought to leave his circle;
+whereupon he made him such music, the like was never heard in the world.
+This so ravished Faustus that he began again to conjure Mephistopheles
+in the name of the prince of the devils to appear in his own likeness;
+whereupon in an instant hung over his head a mighty dragon. Faustus
+calls again after his former manner, after which there was a cry in the
+wood as if hell had opened, and all the tormented souls had been there.
+Faustus, in the meanwhile, asked the devil many questions, and commanded
+him to show many diabolical tricks.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Mephistopheles came to Dr. Faustus' house, and what
+                   happened between them._
+
+
+Faustus commanded the spirit to meet him at his house by ten of the
+clock the next day. At the hour appointed he came into his chamber
+asking Faustus what he would have. Faustus told him it was his will and
+pleasure to conjure him to be obedient to him in all points of those
+articles, viz.:--
+
+First, That the spirit should serve him in all things he asked, from
+that time till his death.
+
+Secondly, Whatsoever he would have, he should bring him.
+
+Thirdly, Whatsoever he desired to know, he should tell him.
+
+The spirit answered him and said he had no such power of himself, until
+he had acquainted his prince that ruled over him. "For," said he, "we
+have rulers over us that send us out, and command us home when they
+please; and we can act no further than our power is, which we receive
+from Lucifer, who, you know, for his pride, was thrust out of heaven.
+But," saith the spirit, "I am not to tell you any more except you make
+yourself over to us."
+
+Whereupon Faustus said, "I will have my request? but yet I will not be
+damned with you." Then said the spirit, "You must not, nor shall not
+have your desire, and yet thou art mine, and all the world cannot save
+thee out of my hands." Then said Faustus, "Get thee hence, and I conjure
+thee that thou come to me at night." The spirit then vanished. Faustus
+then began to consider how he might obtain his desire, and not give his
+soul to the devil.
+
+And while Faustus was in these his devilish cogitations night drew on,
+and this hellish spirit appeared to Faustus, acquainting him that now he
+had got orders from his prince to be obedient to him, and to do for him
+whatsoever he desired, provided he would promise to be his, and withal
+to acquaint him first what he would have of him? Faustus replied that
+his desire was to become a spirit, and that Mephistopheles should be
+always, at his command; that whatsoever he called for him, he shall
+appear invisible to all men, and that he should appear in what shape he
+pleased, to which the spirit answered that all his desires should be
+granted if he would sign those articles he should wish or ask for.
+Whereupon Dr. Faustus withdrew and stabbed his wrist, receiving the
+blood in a small saucer, which cooled so fast, as if it forewarned him
+of the hellish act he was going to commit; nevertheless he put it over
+embers to warm it, and wrote as follows:--
+
+     "I, John Faustus, approved doctor of divinity, with my own hand do
+     acknowledge and testify myself to become a servant to Lucifer,
+     Prince of Septentrional and Oriental, and to him I freely and
+     voluntarily give both soul; in consideration for the space of
+     twenty-four years, if I be served in all things which I shall
+     require, or which is reasonable by him to be allowed; at the
+     expiration of which time from the date ensuing, I give to him all
+     power to do with me at his pleasure; to rule to retch and carry me
+     where he pleases body and soul. Hereupon I defy God and Christ, and
+     the hosts of angels and good spirits, all living creatures that
+     bear his shape, or on whom his image is imprinted; and to the
+     better strengthening the validity of this covenant and firm
+     agreement between us, I have writ it with my blood, and subscribe
+     my name to it, calling all the powers and infernal potentates to
+     witness it is my true intent and meaning."       JOHN FAUSTUS.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _What happened to Faustus after the signing of the articles._
+
+
+When Faustus had made an end of his writing he called Mephistopheles to
+him, and delivered him the bond; whereupon the spirit told, him if he
+did not repent of what he had done, he should enjoy all the pleasure
+his thoughts could form, and that he would immediately divert him. He
+caused a kennel of hounds to run down a hart in the hall, and vanished;
+then a bull danced before Faustus, also there was a lion and a bear,
+which fell to fighting before Faustus, and the lion destroyed the bear;
+after that came a dragon and destroyed the lion. And this, with
+abundance of more pastime, did the spirit present to the doctor's view,
+concluding with all manner of music, with some hundreds of spirits,
+which came and danced before Faustus. After the music was over, and
+Faustus began to look about him, he saw ten sacks full of silver, which
+he went to dispose of, but could not, for none could handle it but
+himself, it was so hot. This pastime so pleased Faustus, that he gave
+Mephistopheles the will that he had made, and kept a copy of it in his
+own hands. The spirit and Faustus being agreed, they dwelt together, and
+the devil was in their house-keeping, for there was never anything given
+away to poor, which before Faustus made this contract was frequently
+done, but the case is now altered.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _How Faustus served the Duke of Bavaria._
+
+
+Faustus having sold his soul to the devil, it was reported among his
+neighbours, so that none would keep him company but his spirit playing
+merry tricks for to please him. Not far from Faustus' house lived the
+Duke of Bavaria, the Duke of Saxony, and the Bishop of Salisburgh, whose
+houses and cellars Mephistopheles used to visit, and to bring the best
+of everything they had. One day the Duke of Bavaria invited most of the
+gentry of the country to dinner, for whose entertainment there was
+abundance of provision got ready. The gentry being come, and ready to
+sit down to dinner, in an instant Mephistopheles came and took all away
+with him, leaving them full of admiration. If any time Faustus had a
+mind for wild fowl, the spirit would call whole flocks in at a window;
+also the spirit did teach Faustus to do the like so that no lock nor key
+could keep them out. The devil also taught Faustus to fly in the air,
+and to act many things that are incredible and too large for this small
+book to contain.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How Dr. Faustus dreamed of Hell in his Sleep and what he
+    saw there._
+
+
+After Faustus had a long conference with his spirit concerning the fall
+of Lucifer, and the state and condition of all the fallen angels, he, in
+a vision or dream, saw hell and all the devils and souls that were
+tormented there; he saw hell divided into several cells, or deep holes;
+and for every cell, or deep ward, there was a devil appointed to punish
+those that were under his custody. Having seen this sight, he much
+marvelled at it; and at that time Mephistopheles being with him, he
+asked him what sort of people they were that lay in the first dark pit;
+then Mephistopheles told him they were those who pretended themselves to
+be physicians, and who had poisoned many thousands to try practice; "and
+now," saith the spirit, "they have just the same administered to them
+which they gave to others, though not with the same effect, for they
+will never die here," saith he. Over their heads was a shelf laden with
+gallipots full of poison. Having passed them he came to a long entry
+exceeding dark where there was a mighty crowd. He asked him what those
+were? and the spirit told him they were pick-pockets, who loved to be in
+a crowd, when they were in the other world, and to content them they put
+them in a crowd there. Amongst them were some padders on the highway,
+and those of that function. Walking farther he saw many thousands of
+vintners, and some millions of tailors, in so much that they could not
+feel where to get stowage for them; a great number of pastry cooks with
+peels on their heads. Walking farther, the spirit opening a great cellar
+door, from which arose a terrible noise, he asked what they were. The
+spirit told him they were witches, and those who had been pretended
+saints in the other world; but how they did squabble, fight, and tear
+one another! Not far from them lay the whoremongers and adulterers, who
+made such a hideous noise that he was very much startled. Walking down a
+few steps he espied an incredible number almost hid with smoke. He asked
+what they were? The spirit told him they were millers and bakers; but
+good lack, what a noise was there among them! The millers crying to the
+bakers, and the bakers crying to the millers for help, but all was in
+vain, for there was none to help them. Passing on still farther, he saw
+thousands of shopkeepers, some of whom he knew, who were tormented for
+defrauding and cheating their customers. Having taken this prospect of
+hell, the spirit Mephistopheles took him in his arms, and carried him
+home to his own house, when he awaking, he was amazed at what he saw in
+his dream. So being come to himself, he asked the spirit in what place
+hell was, and who made it? Mephistopheles answered, "Knowest thou, that
+before the fall of Lucifer, there was no hell, but upon his fall was
+hell ordained. As for the substance of hell, we devils do not know. It
+is the wrath of God that makes hell so furious, and what we procured by
+our fall; but where hell is, or how it is governed, and whatsoever thou
+desirest to know, when thou comest there thou shalt be satisfied as far
+as we know ourselves."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Containing some Tricks of Dr. Faustus._
+
+
+Dr. Faustus having attained the desire of his spirit, had now full power
+to act or do anything whatever he pleased. Upon a time the Emperor had a
+desire to see him, and likewise some of the doctor's tricks; whereupon
+he was requested by the Emperor to do somewhat to make him merry; but
+the doctor in the meanwhile looking around him he at last espied a great
+lord looking out at a window, and the doctor calling his spirit to help
+him, he in an instant fastened a large pair of horns upon the lord's
+head, that he could not get his head in till Faustus took off the horns
+again, which were soon taken off invisibly. The lord whom Faustus served
+so was extremely vexed, and resolved to be revenged on the doctor, and
+to that end lay a mile out of town for Faustus' passing by, he being
+that day to depart for the country. Faustus coming by a wood side,
+beheld that lord mounted upon a mighty warlike horse, who ran full drift
+against Faustus, who, by the assistance of his spirit, took him and all,
+and carried before the Emperor's palace, and grafted a pair of horns on
+his head as big as an ox's, which he could never be rid of, but wore
+them to his dying day.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Faustus ate a load of Hay._
+
+
+Faustus upon a time having many doctors and masters of arts with him,
+went to walk in the fields, where they met with a load of hay. "How now,
+good fellow," saith Faustus, "what shall I give thee to fill my belly
+with hay?" The clown thought he had been a madman to talk of eating hay,
+told him he should fill his belly for one penny, to which the doctor
+agreed, and then fell to eating, and quickly devouring half of the load;
+at which the doctor's companions laughed, to see how simply the poor
+country fellow looked, and to hear how heartily he prayed the doctor to
+forbear. So Faustus pitying the poor man, went away, and before the man
+got near his house all the hay was in the cart that the doctor had
+eaten, which made the country fellow very much admire.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How he struck a parcel of Students, who were fighting
+     together, blind; and how he served a parcel of Clowns
+           who were singing and ranting at an inn._
+
+
+Thirteen students meeting with seven more near Dr. Faustus' house, fell
+to, extremely, first in words and at last to blows. The thirteen being
+too hard for the seven, and Dr. Faustus looking out at his window and
+seeing the fray, and how much they were overmatched, conjured them all
+blind, so that the one could not see the other, and in this manner they
+fought one another, which made all that saw them laugh. At length the
+people parted them, and led them to their chambers, they instantly
+received their sight. The doctor coming into an inn with some friends,
+was disturbed by the hallowing and bawling of a parcel of drunken
+clowns, whereupon, when their mouths were wide open, he so conjured
+them, that by no means they could shut them again: and after they had
+stared one upon another, without being able to speak, thinking they were
+bewitched, they dropped away in a confused fear, one by one, and never
+could be got to the house afterwards.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Faustus helped a Young Man to a Fair Lady._
+
+
+There was a gallant young gentleman who was in love with a fair lady,
+living at Wurtemberg, near the doctor's house. This gentleman had long
+sought this lady in marriage, but could not attain his desire, and
+having placed his affections so much upon her, he was ready to pine
+away, and had certainly died with grief, had he not made his address to
+the doctor, to whom he opened the whole matter. Now no sooner had the
+gentleman told his cause to the doctor, but he told him that he need not
+be afraid, for his desire should be fulfilled, and that he should have
+her whom he so much desired, and that this gentlewoman should have none
+but him, which was accordingly done, for the doctor so changed her mind
+that she could think of nothing else but him whom before she hated; and
+Faustus' desire was this: He gave him an enchanted ring which he ordered
+him to put into the lady's hand, or to slip it on her finger, which he
+did; and no sooner had she got the ring than her heart burned with love
+to him. She, instead of frowns, could do nothing but smile upon him,
+and not be at rest till she asked him if he thought he could love her,
+and make her his wife? He gladly answered with all his heart. So they
+were married the next day, and all by the help of Dr. Faustus.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _How Faustus made Seven Women dance naked in the Market-place._
+
+
+Faustus walking in the market-place, saw seven women sitting all in a
+row, selling eggs, butter, etc. Of every one he bought something and
+departed. No sooner was he gone but all the eggs and butter were gone
+out of their baskets, and they knew not how. At last they were told that
+Dr. Faustus had conjured their goods away. They thereupon ran speedily
+to the doctor's house, and so demanded satisfaction for the ware. He
+resolving to make himself and the town's people merry by his conjuring
+art, made them return to their baskets naked as ever they were born; and
+having danced a while in the market-place every one's goods were
+conjured into their baskets again, and they set at liberty.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _How Faustus served a Country Fellow who was driving Swine._
+
+
+Dr. Faustus, as he was going to Wurtemberg, overtook a country fellow
+driving a hundred swine, who were very headstrong, some running one way
+and some another; so that the driver could not tell how to get them
+drove along. The doctor taking notice of it, so by his conjuring art he
+made every one of them dance upon their two hind legs, with a fiddle in
+one of their fore feet, and with the other fore foot they played upon
+the fiddle, and so they danced and fiddled all the way until they came
+into Wurtemberg market, the driver of them dancing all the way before
+them, which made the people wonder. After the doctor had satisfied
+himself with the spirit he conjured all of the fiddles away, and the
+driver then offered them for sale, and quickly sold them all, and took
+the money; but before he was gone out of the house Faustus had conjured
+all the hogs out of the market-place, and sent them all home to the
+driver's house. The man who bought them, seeing all the swine gone,
+stopped the man who sold them and would have his money, which he was
+forced to pay, and so returned home sorrowful, and not knowing what to
+do; but, to his great surprise, found all the swine in their sties.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _How Faustus begun to bethink himself of the near approach of his End._
+
+
+Faustus having spun out his twenty-four years, within a month or two,
+began to consider what he should do to cheat the devil, but could not
+find any way to prevent his miserable end, which was now near, whereupon
+he thus cries out to himself, "Oh! miserable wretch that I am, I have
+given myself to the devil for a few years' pleasure, and now I must pay
+full dear. I have had my desires; my filthy lusts I have satisfied, and
+I must be tormented for ever and ever."
+
+A neighbour of his, a very good old man, hearing of his way of living,
+in compassion to his soul came to him, and with tears in his eyes
+besought him to have more regard to his most precious soul, laying
+before him the promise of God's grace and mercy, freely offered to
+repenting sinners, and spake so feelingly that Faustus shed tears, and
+promised to him that he would try to repent. This good man was no sooner
+gone away than Mephistopheles found him pensive and on his bed. Now
+Mephistopheles mustering what had happened, began to reproach him with
+breach of covenant to his lord Lucifer, and thereupon almost twisted his
+neck behind him, which made him cry out very lamentable; in the meantime
+threatening to tear him to pieces unless he renewed his obligation,
+which for fear, with much sorrow he did, in a manner the same as the
+former, which he confirmed by the latter.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIV.
+
+    _How Dr. Faustus was warned of the Spirit to prepare for his End._
+
+
+Faustus' full time being come, the spirit appeared to him, and showed
+him his writing, and told him that the next night the devil would fetch
+him away, which made the doctor's heart to ache. But to divert himself,
+he sent for some doctors and master bachelors of arts, and other
+students to take dinner with him, for whom he provided great store of
+varieties, with music and the like. But all would not keep up his
+spirits, for the hour drew near; whereupon his countenance changing, the
+doctors and masters of arts inquired of him the reasons of his
+melancholiness? to which Faustus answered, "My friends, you have known
+me these many years, and how I have practised all manner of wickedness.
+I have been a great conjurer, which devilish art I obtained of the
+devil; and also to obtain power to do whatever I pleased I sold myself
+to the devil for twenty-four years' time, which full time being out this
+night, makes me full of horror. I have called you, my friends, to see
+this my dreadful end; and I pray let my miserable death be a warning to
+you all how you study the devilish art of conjuring; for if once you
+begin it, a thousand to one but it will lead you to the devil, whither I
+am this night to go, whether I will or not." They hearing of this sad
+story blamed him for concealing it so long, telling him if he had made
+them acquainted before that they thought it might have been prevented.
+He told them he had a desire several times to have disclosed this
+intrigue; but the devil told him that if he did he would presently fetch
+him away. He also told them he had a desire to join with the godly, and
+to leave off that wicked course; but immediately the devil used to come
+and torment him, etc. "But now," saith Faustus, "it is but in vain for
+me to talk of what I did intend, for I have sold myself to the devil;
+body and soul is his." No sooner had he spoken these words, but
+suddenly it fell a thundering and lightning, the like was never heard;
+whereupon Faustus went into the great hall, the doctors and masters
+staying in the next room intending to hear his end. About twelve o'clock
+the house shook so terribly that they thought it would have been down
+upon them, and suddenly the house windows were broken to pieces, so that
+they trembled and wished themselves elsewhere, whereupon a great clap of
+thunder, with a whirlwind the doors flew open, and a mighty rushing of
+wind entered with the hissing of serpents, shrieks and cries, upon which
+he lamentably cried out "Murder," and there was such roaring in the hall
+as if all the devils in hell had been there. When daylight appeared they
+took the boldness to enter into the room, and found his brains beaten
+out against the wall and the floor sprinkled with blood; but missing his
+body, they went in search of it, and found it on the dunghill mangled
+and mashed to pieces. So ended this miserable wretch's life, forsaking
+God and all goodness, and given up to his implacable enemy, which we
+hope may stand not only as a fearful, but lasting monument and warning
+to others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                      THE WHOLE
+
+                    LIFE AND DEATH
+
+                         OF
+
+                      LONG MEG
+
+                         OF
+
+                     WESTMINSTER.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Where Meg was Born, her coming up to London, and
+           her Usage to the Honest Carrier._
+
+
+In the reign of Henry VIII. was born in Lancashire a maid called Long
+Meg. At eighteen years old she came to London to get her a
+service--Father Willis, the carrier, being the waggoner--and her
+neighbour brought her up with some other lasses. After a tedious
+journey, being in sight of the desired city, she demanded why they
+looked sad. "We have no money," said one, "to pay our fare." So Meg
+replies, "If that be all, I shall answer your demands," and this put
+them in some comfort. But as soon as they came to St. John's Street,
+Willis demanded their money. "Say what you will have," quoth she. "Ten
+shillings a piece," said he. "But we have not so much about us," said
+she. "Nay, then, I will have it out of your bones." "Marry, content,"
+replied Meg, and, taking a staff in her hand, so belaboured him and his
+man that he desired her for God's sake to hold her hand. "Not I," said
+she, "unless you bestow an angel on us for good luck, and swear e'er we
+depart to get us good addresses."
+
+The carrier, having felt the strength of her arm, thought it best to
+give her the money and promised not to go till he had got them good
+places.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Of her being placed in Westminster, and what she did at
+                           her Place._
+
+
+The carrier, having set up his horses, went with the lasses to the Eagle
+in Westminster, and told the landlady he had brought her three fine
+Lancashire lasses; and seeing she often asked him to get her a maid, she
+might now take her choice. "Marry," said she, "I want one at present,
+and here are three gentlemen who shall give their opinions." As soon as
+Meg came in they blessed themselves, crying,
+
+     "Domine, Domine, viee Originem."
+
+So her mistress demanded what was her name. "Margaret, forsooth," said
+she briskly. "And what work can you do?" She answered she had not been
+bred unto her needle, but to hard labour, as washing, brewing, and
+baking, and could make a house clean. "Thou art," quoth the hostess, "a
+lusty wench, and I like thee well, for I have often persons that will
+not pay." "Mistress," said she, "if any such come let me know, and I'll
+make them pay I'll engage." "Nay, this is true," said the carrier, "for
+my carcase felt it;" and then he told them how she served him. On this
+Sir John de Castile, in a bravado, would needs make an experiment of her
+vast strength; and asked her "if she durst exchange a box o' the ear
+with him." "Yes," quoth she, "if my mistress will give me leave." This
+granted, she stood to receive Sir John's blow, who gave her a box with
+all his might, but it stirred her not at all; but Meg gave him such a
+memorandum on his ear that Sir John fell down at her feet. "By my
+faith," said another, "she strikes a blow like an ox, for she hath
+knocked down an ass." So Meg was taken into service.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _The method Meg took to make one of the Vicars pay his Score._
+
+
+Meg so bestirred herself that she pleased her mistress, and for her
+tallness was called Long Meg of Westminster.
+
+One of the lubbers of the Abbey had a mind to try her strength, so,
+coming with six of his associates one frosty morning, calls for a pot of
+ale, which, being drank, he asked what he owed. To which Meg answers,
+"Five shillings and threepence."
+
+"O thou foul scullion, I owe thee but three shillings and one penny, and
+no more will I pay thee." And, turning to his landlady, complained how
+Meg had charged him too much. "The foul ill take me," quoth Meg, "if I
+misreckon him one penny, and therefore, vicar, before thou goest out of
+these doors I shall make thee pay every penny;" and then she immediately
+lent him such a box on the ears as made him reel again. The vicar then
+steps up to her, and together both of them went by the ears. The vicar's
+head was broke, and Meg's clothes torn off her back. So the vicar laid
+hold of her hair, but, he being shaved, she could not have that
+advantage; so, laying hold of his ears and keeping his pate to the post,
+asked him how much he owed her. "As much as you please," said he. "So
+you knave," quoth she, "I must knock out of your bald pate my
+reckoning." And with that she began to beat a plain song between the
+post and his pate. But when he felt such pain he roared out he would pay
+the whole. But she would not let him go until he laid it down, which he
+did, being jeered by his friends.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Of her fighting and conquering Sir James of Castile,
+                       a Spanish Knight._
+
+
+All this time Sir James continued his suit to Meg's mistress, but to no
+purpose. So, coming in one day and seeing her melancholy, asked what
+ailed her, for if anyone has wronged you I will requite you. "Marry,"
+quoth she, "a base knave in a white satin doublet has abused me, and if
+you revenge my quarrel I shall think you love me." "Where is he?" quoth
+Sir James. "Marry," said she, "he said he would be in St. George's
+Fields." "Well," quoth he, "do you and the doctor go along with me, and
+you shall see how I'll pummel the knave."
+
+Unto this they agreed, and sent Meg into St. George's Fields beforehand.
+"Yonder," said she, "walks the fellow by the windmill." "Follow me,
+hostess," said Sir James; "I will go to him." But Meg passed as if she
+would have gone by. "Nay, stay," said Sir James; "you and I part not so.
+I am this gentlewoman's champion, and fairly for her sake will have you
+by the ears." With that Meg drew her sword, and to it they went.
+
+At the first blow she hit him on the head, and often endangered him. At
+last she struck his weapon out of his hands, and, stepping up to him,
+swore all the world should not save him. "O save me, sir," said he; "I
+am a knight, and it is but a woman's matter; do not spill my blood."
+"Wert thou twenty knights," said Meg, "and was the king here himself, I
+would not spare thy life unless you grant me one thing." "Let it be what
+it will, you shall be obeyed." "Marry," said she, "that this night you
+wait on my plate at this woman's house and confess me to be your
+master."
+
+This being yielded to and a supper provided, Thomas Usher and others
+were invited to make up the feast, and unto whom Sir James told what had
+happened. "Pho!" said Usher jeeringly, "it is no such great dishonour
+for to be foiled by an English gentleman since Cæsar the Great was
+himself driven back by their extraordinary courage." At this juncture
+Meg came in, having got on her man's attire. "Then," said Sir James,
+"this is that valiant gentleman whose courage I shall ever esteem."
+Hereupon, she pulling off her hat, her hair fell about her ears, and she
+said "I am no other than Long Meg of Westminster, and so you are
+heartily welcome."
+
+At this they all fell a-laughing. Nevertheless, at supper time,
+according to agreement, Sir James was a proper page; and she, having
+leave of her mistress, sat in state like her majesty. Thus Sir James was
+disgraced for his love, and Meg was counted a proper woman.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Her Usage to the Bailiff of Westminster, who came into
+            her Mistress's and arrested her Friend._
+
+
+A bailiff, having for the purpose took forty shillings, arrested a
+gentleman in Meg's mistress's house, and desired the company to keep
+peace. She, coming in, asked what was the matter. "O," said he, "I'm
+arrested." "Arrested! and in our house? Why this unkind act to arrest
+one in our house; but, however, take an angel and let him go." "No,"
+said the bailiff, "I cannot, for the creditor is at the door." "Bid him
+come in," said she, "and I'll make up the matter." So the creditor came
+in; but, being found obstinate, she rapped him on the head with a quart
+pot and bid him go out of doors like a knave. "He can but go to prison,"
+quoth she, "where he shall not stay long if all the friends I have can
+fetch him out."
+
+The creditor went away with a good knock, and the bailiff was going with
+his prisoner. "Nay," said she, "I'll bring a fresh pot to drink with
+him." She came into the parlour with a rope, and, knitting her brows,
+"Sir Knave," said she, "I'll learn thee to arrest a man in our house.
+I'll make thee a spectacle for all catchpoles;" and, tossing the rope
+round his middle, said to the gentleman, "Sir, away, shift for yourself;
+I'll pay the bailiff his fees before he and I part." Then she dragged
+the bailiff unto the back side of the house, making him go up to his
+chin in a pond, and then paid him his fees with a cudgel, after which he
+went away with the amends in his hands, for she was so well beloved that
+no person would meddle with her.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Of her meeting with a Nobleman, and her Usage to
+                    him and to the Watch._
+
+
+Now it happened she once put on a suit of man's apparel. The same night
+it fell out that a young nobleman, being disposed for mirth, would go
+abroad to see the fashions, and, coming down the Strand, espies her;
+and, seeing such a tall fellow, asked him whither he was going. "Marry,"
+said she, "to St. Nicholas's to buy a calve's head." "How much money
+hast thou?" "In faith," said she, "little enough; will you lend me any?"
+"Aye," said he; and, putting his thumb into her mouth, said, "There's a
+tester." She gave him a good box on the ear, and said, "There's a groat;
+now I owe you twopence." Whereupon the nobleman drew, and his man too;
+and she was as active as they, so together they go. But she drove them
+before her into a little chandler's shop, insomuch that the constable
+came in to part the fray, and, having asked what they were, the nobleman
+told his name, at which they all pulled off their caps. "And what is
+your name?" said the constable. "Mine," said she, "is Cuthbert Curry
+Knave." Upon this the constable commanded some to lay hold on her and
+carry her to the compter. She out with her sword and set upon the watch,
+and behaved very resolutely; but the constable calling for clubs, Meg
+was forced to cry out, "Masters, hold your hands, I am your friend; hurt
+not Long Meg of Westminster." So they all stayed their hands, and the
+nobleman took them all to the tavern; and thus ended the fray.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Meg goes a shroving, fights the Thieves of St. James's
+        Corner, and makes them restore Father Willis,
+                the Carrier, his hundred marks._
+
+
+Not only the cities of London and Westminster, but Lancashire also, rung
+of Meg's fame, so they desired old Willis, the carrier, to call upon
+her, which he did, taking with him the other lasses. Meg was joyful to
+see them, and it being Shrove Tuesday, Meg went with them to
+Knightsbridge, and spent most of the day with repeating tales of their
+friends in Lancashire; and so tarried the carrier, who again and again
+inquired how all did there, and made the time seem shorter than it was.
+The night growing on, the carrier and the two other lasses were
+importunate to be gone, but Meg was loath to set out, and so stayed
+behind to discharge the reckoning, and promised to overtake them.
+
+It was their misfortune at St. James's Corner to meet with two thieves
+who were waiting there for them, and took a hundred marks from Willis,
+the carrier, and from the two wenches their gowns and purses. Meg came
+up immediately after, and then the thieves, seeing her also in a female
+habit, thought to take her purse also; but she behaved herself so well
+that they began to give ground. Then said Meg, "Our gowns and purses
+against your hundred marks; win all and wear all." "Content," quoth
+they. "Now, lasses, pray for me," said Meg. With that she buckled with
+these two knaves, beat one and so hurt the other that they entreated her
+to spare their lives. "I will," said she, "upon conditions." "Upon any
+condition," said they. "Then," said she, "it shall be thus--
+
+    1. That you never hurt a woman nor any company she is in.
+    2. That you never hurt lame or impotent men.
+    3. That you never hurt any children or innocents.
+    4. That you rob no carrier of his money.
+    5. That you rob no manner of poor or distressed.
+
+"Are you content with these conditions?" "We are," said they. "I have no
+book about me," said she, "but will you swear on my smock tail?" which
+they accordingly did, and then she returned the wenches their gowns and
+purses, and old Father Willis, the carrier, a hundred marks.
+
+The men desiring to know who it was had so lustily beswinged them,
+said--"To alleviate our sorrow, pray tell us your name." She smiling
+replied--"If anyone asks you who banged your bones, say Long Meg of
+Westminster once met with you."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _Meg's Fellow Servant pressed; her Usage of the Constable;
+        and of her taking Press Money to go to Boulogne._
+
+
+In those days were wars between England and France, and a hot press
+about London. The constables of Westminster pressed Meg's fellow
+servant, and she told them if they took him her mistress was undone.
+
+All this could not persuade the constable, but Harry must go, on which
+she lent the constable a knock. Notice being given to the captain, he
+asked who struck him. "Marry," quoth Meg, "I did, and if I did not love
+soldiers I'd serve you so too." So, taking a cavalier from a man's hand,
+she performed the exercise with such dexterity that they wondered,
+whereupon she said--"Press no man, but give me press money and I will go
+myself." At this they all laughed, and the captain gave her an angel,
+whereupon she went with him to Boulogne.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _Of her Beating the Frenchman off the Walls of Boulogne, for
+        which gallant behaviour she is rewarded by the King
+                 with Eightpence per Day for Life._
+
+
+King Henry, passing the seas, took Boulogne. Hereupon the Dauphin with a
+great number of men surprised and retook it. Meg, being a laundress in
+the town, raised the best of the women; and, with a halberd in her hand,
+came to the walls, on which some of the French had entered, and threw
+scalding water and stones at them that she often obliged them to quit
+the town before the soldiers were up in arms. And at the sally she came
+out the foremost with her halberd in her hand to pursue the chase.
+
+The report of this deed being come to the ears of the king, he allowed
+her for life eightpence a day.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _Of her fighting and beating a Frenchman before Boulogne._
+
+
+During this she observed one who in a bravado tossed his pike. She,
+seeing his pride, desired a drum to signify that a young soldier would
+have a push at pike with him. It was agreed on, and the place appointed
+life against life.
+
+On the day the Frenchman came, and Meg met him, and without any salute
+fell to blows; and, after a long combat, she overcame him, and cut off
+his head. Then, pulling off her hat, her hair fell about her ears.
+
+By this the Frenchman knew it was a woman, and the English giving a
+shout, she, by a drummer, sent the Dauphin his soldier's head, and said,
+"An English woman sent it."
+
+The Dauphin much commended her, sending her a hundred crowns for her
+valour.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Of her coming to England and being Married._
+
+
+The wars in France being over, Meg came to Westminster and married a
+soldier, who, hearing of her exploits, took her into a room, and, making
+her strip to her petticoat, took one staff and gave her another, saying,
+"As he had heard of her manhood, he was determined to try her." But Meg
+held down her head, whereupon he gave her three or four blows, and she
+in submission fell down upon her knees desiring him to pardon her.
+"For," said she, "whatever I do to others, it behoves me to be obedient
+to you; and it shall never be said, if I cudgel a knave that injures me,
+Long Meg is her husband's master; and therefore use me as you please."
+So they grew friends, and never quarrelled after.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _Long Meg's Usage to an angry Miller._
+
+
+Meg going one day with her neighbours to make merry, a miller near
+Epping looking out, the boy they had with them, about fourteen years
+old, said--"Put out, miller, put out." "What must I put out?" said he.
+"A thief's head and ears," said the other.
+
+At this the miller came down and well licked him, which Meg endeavoured
+to prevent, whereupon he beat her. But she wrung the stick from him, and
+then cudgelled him severely; and having done, sent the boy to the mill
+for an empty sack, and put the miller in all but his head; and then,
+fastening him to a rope, she hauled him up half way, and there left him
+hanging. The poor miller cried out for help, and if his wife had not
+come he had surely been killed, and the mill, for want of corn, set on
+fire.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _Of her keeping House at Islington, and her Laws._
+
+
+After marriage she kept a house at Islington. The constable coming one
+night, he would needs search Meg's house, whereupon she came down in her
+shift with a cudgel, and said--"Mr. Constable, take care you go not
+beyond your commission, for if you do I'll so cudgel you as you never
+was since Islington has been." The constable, seeing her frown, told her
+he would take her word, and so departed.
+
+Meg, because in her house there should be a good decorum, hung up a
+table containing these principles:--
+
+First. If a gentleman or yeoman had a charge about him, and told her of
+it, she would repay him if he lost it; but if he did not reveal it, and
+said he was robbed, he should have ten bastinadoes, and afterwards be
+turned out of doors.
+
+Secondly. Whoever called for meat and had no money to pay should have a
+box on the ear and a cross on the back that he might be marked and
+trusted no more.
+
+Thirdly. If any good fellow came in and said he wanted money, he should
+have his belly full of meat and two pots of drink.
+
+Fourthly. If any raffler came in and made a quarrel, and would not pay
+his reckoning, to turn into the fields and take a bout or two with Meg,
+the maids of the house should dry beat him, and so thrust him out of
+doors.
+
+These and many such principles she established in her house, which kept
+it still and quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                   FAMOUS HISTORY
+
+                   OF THE LEARNED
+
+                 FRIAR BACON GIVING
+
+      A Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage,
+    with the many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime,
+    to the amazement of all the World.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+     _Friar Bacon's Birth and Parentage, and by what means he came
+     to be so great a Scholar. How the King sent for him from
+     Oxford, and in what wonderful manner he pleased the King's Five
+     Senses; also the Comical Pranks he played with a Courtier sent
+     to fetch him._
+
+
+The famous Friar Bacon, whose name has spread through the world, was
+born in Lancashire; his father's name was Ralph Bacon, and his name
+Roger. From his infancy he was observed to have a profound, pregnant
+wit; as he grew up, a great reader of books and desirous of learning,
+which to admiration he took so fast that his schoolmaster could teach
+him no further, and being about to send him home, with commendations, to
+his father, he, fearing the worst, humbly besought him to prevail, if
+possible, with his father that he might be sent to the University, where
+he had a desire to go and learn the liberal sciences.
+
+His schoolmaster denied him not his request, but went home with him,
+and, taking the old man aside, told him he had learned his son as far as
+he was able, that he took it in extremely well, and was willing to
+improve it at the University, and that he was verily persuaded, by the
+promptness he perceived in him, if he would be at a little charge with
+him there, he would be so great a proficient as would advance him to an
+eminent station.
+
+The old man heard this with some indignation, but concealed his anger
+till the schoolmaster was gone, and then, taking his son to task, said,
+"How now, sirrah! have not I been at cost enough already, but are you
+itching to put me to more? Methinks I have given you such learning as to
+enable you, in time, to be a constable or churchwarden of the parish,
+and far outdo those in the office that can neither read nor write; let
+that suffice. As for the rest of your business for the future, it is to
+learn horse language and whistle well, that you may be dexterous at
+driving the plough and cart and managing the sheep and oxen; for,
+sirrah," continued he, "have I anybody else to leave my farm to but you,
+and yet you take upon you, forsooth, to be a scholard, and consequently
+a gentleman; for they all profess themselves so, though never so
+beggarly, living lazily, and eating up the fat of other men's labours,
+marry gaup! Goodman Twoshoes, your great-grandfather, your grandfather,
+and I, have thought it no scorn to dig and delve; and pray what better
+are you than us? Here, sirrah, take this whip and go with me to plough,
+or I'll so lace your fine scholarship that you had better this had never
+been mentioned to me."
+
+Young Bacon was much displeased and highly grieved, but durst not reply,
+knowing his father to be a very hasty, choleric old man; however, this
+sort of living so little agreed with his sprightly genius that in a
+short time he gave him the slip, and going to a monastery, making his
+desires known to the superior, he kindly entertained him, and made him a
+brother of the Augustin Friars. There he profited so much that in a few
+years he was sent to Oxford to study at their charge, where he soon grew
+such a proficient that his fame soon spread, not only in the University,
+but also over all England, and came to the ears of King Edward the
+Third, who then reigned; and he, taking a progress with his queen and
+nobles, was desirous to see him, and have an experiment of his art; so
+that, being at a nobleman's house within four miles of the city of
+Oxford, he sent a gentleman of his bedchamber to desire him to come to
+him. The knight delayed not the message, and, finding him at his study,
+did his errand. The friar told him he would be with his majesty, and bid
+him make haste or he should be there before him. At this he smiled,
+being well mounted, saying scholars and travellers might lie by
+authority. "Well," said Friar Bacon, "to convince you, I will not only
+be there before you, ride as fast as you can, but I will there show you
+the cook-maid you lay with last, though she is now busy dressing the
+dinner at Sir William Belton's, a hundred miles distance from this
+place." "Well," said the gentleman of the bedchamber, "I doubt not but
+one will be as true as the other;" so, mounting, rode laughing away, and
+thinking to be at the king's quarters in a short space, he spurred his
+horse valiantly; but suddenly a mist arose, that he knew not which way
+to go, and, missing the way, he turned down a bye-lane and rode over
+hedge and ditch, backwards and forwards, till the charm was dissolved.
+
+When the friar came into the king's presence he did him obeisance, and
+was kindly welcomed by him. Then said the king, "Worthy Bacon, having
+heard much of your fame, the cause of my sending for you was to be a
+spectator of some fine curiosities in your art." The friar excused at
+first; but the king pressing it, promised on his royal word no harm
+should come to him, he bid all keep silence, and, waving his magic wand,
+there presently to their great amazement, ensued the most melodious
+music they had ever heard, which continued very ravishing for nearly
+half an hour. Then, waving his wand, another kind of music was heard,
+and presently dancers in antic shapes at a masquerade entered the room,
+and having danced incomparably well, they vanished. Waving his wand the
+third time, louder music was heard, and whilst that played, a table was
+placed by an invisible hand, richly spread with all the dainties that
+could be thought of. Then he desired the king and queen to draw their
+seats near, and partake of the repast he had prepared for their
+highnesses: which, after they had done, all vanished. He waved the
+fourth time, and thereupon the place was perfumed with all the sweets of
+Arabia, or that the whole world could produce. Then waving the fifth
+time, there came in Russians, Persians, and Polanders, dressed in the
+finest soft fur, silks, and downs of rare fowls, that are to be found in
+the universe, which he bid them feel, and then the strangers, having
+danced after their own country fashion, vanished.
+
+In this sort Friar Bacon pleased their five senses, to their admiration
+and high satisfaction; so that the king offered him money, but he
+refused it, saying he could not take it. However, the king pressed on
+him a jewel of great value, commanding him to wear it as a mark of his
+favour. Whilst this was doing, the gentleman of the bedchamber came in,
+puffing and blowing, all bemired and dirty, and his face and hands
+scratched with the bushes and briars. The king, at this sight, demanded
+why he stayed so long, and how he came in that condition? "Oh, plague,"
+said he, "take Friar Bacon and all his devils! they have led me a fine
+dance, to the endangering of my neck. But is the dog here? I'll be
+revenged on him!" Then he laid his hand on his sword, but Bacon, waving
+his wand, charmed it in his scabbard, so he could not draw it out,
+saying, "I fear not your anger; 'tis best for you to be quiet, lest a
+worse thing befall you." Then he told the king how he gave him the lie,
+when he told him he would be there before him.
+
+Whilst he was thus speaking, in came the cook-maid, brought by a spirit,
+at the window, with a spit and a roasted shoulder of mutton on it, being
+thus surprised as she was taking it from the fire; and wishfully staring
+about her, and espying the gentleman, she cried, "O my sweet knight, are
+you here? Pray, sir, remember you promised to provide linen and other
+necessaries for me. Our secret sins have grown, and I've two months to
+reckon," and hereupon she ran towards him to embrace him; but he turning
+aside, she was carried out at another window to her master's house
+again.
+
+This was the cause of both amazement and laughter, though the gentleman
+was much ashamed and confounded to be thus exposed, still muttering
+revenge; but Friar Bacon told him his best way was to put up all, since
+he had verified all his promises, and bid him have a care how he gave a
+scholar the lie again.
+
+The king and queen, well pleased with the entertainment, highly
+commending his art, and promising him their favour and protection, took
+their leave of the friar, returning to London, and he to his study at
+Brazen Nose College.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Friar Bacon put a Comical Trick upon his man Miles,
+       who, pretending Abstinence on a Fast Day, concealed
+             Victuals in his Pocket to eat in a Corner._
+
+
+Friar Bacon kept a man to wait on him who, though but a simple fellow,
+yet a merry droll and full of waggeries. His name was Miles, and though
+his master and those of the order often fasted on set days, Miles loved
+his guts too well to pinch them, and though outwardly he seemed to fast
+for compliance, he always kept a private reserve to eat in a corner,
+which Bacon knew by art, and resolved to put a trick upon him. It so
+happened on Good Friday, in Lent, a strict fast was held, and Miles
+seemed very devout; for when his master bid him, however, take a bit of
+bread and a sip of wine early in the morning to keep him from fainting,
+he refused it, saying he was a great sinner, and therefore ought to do
+more than this for his mortification, and to gain absolution, making a
+great many pretences of sanctity, and how well he was inclined to keep
+the holy fast. "'Tis well," said the friar, "if I catch you not
+tripping." Hereupon Miles went to his cell, pretending to pray, but
+indeed to eat a fine pudding he had concealed: which he had no sooner
+put into his mouth at one end, but it stuck there; he could neither eat
+it nor get it out. The use of his hands failed, and he was taken with a
+shivering all over, so that, thinking he should have died presently, he
+cried piteously out for help; whereupon Friar Bacon, calling the
+scholars together, went in to see what was the matter, and perceiving
+him in that plight said, smiling, "Now I see what a penitent servant I
+have, who was so conscientious he would not touch a bit of bread, but
+would willingly have devoured two pounds of pudding to have broke his
+fast." He piteously entreated him to dissolve the charm and deliver him,
+and he would never do so again. "Nay," said the friar, "you shall do
+penance for this;" so, taking hold of the end of the pudding, he led
+him out to the scholars, saying, "See, here's a queasy-stomached fellow,
+that would not touch a bit of bread to-day!" When they saw him in this
+plight, they all fell heartily a-laughing; but Friar Bacon, not so
+contented, led him to the college gate, and by enchantment fixing the
+end of the pudding to the bar, he was made so fast to it as if it had
+been by a cable rope, and on his back were placed these lines:--
+
+    "This is Friar Bacon's man, who vow'd to fast,
+    But, dissembling, thus it took at last;
+    The pudding more religion had than he;
+    Though he would eat it, it will not down, you see.
+    Then of hypocrisy pray all beware,
+    Lest like disgrace be each dissembler's share."
+
+Miles all the while was jeered and sported with by all the scholars and
+town's people, but, after four hour's penance, his master dissolved the
+charm, and released him, and he ever after kept the fasts, not so much
+out of religion as for fear that a worse trick should be put upon him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Friar Bacon saved a Gentleman who had sold
+       himself to the Devil for Money, and put a Trick
+              upon the Old Deceiver of Mankind._
+
+
+When Friar Bacon flourished at Oxford, a young gentleman, by his
+prodigality, having run out his estate and involved himself in debt,
+grew exceeding pensive and melancholy, purposing to make himself away,
+in order to put an end to his miseries and the scorns that were put
+daily upon him by his former companions, being also utterly cast off by
+his friends; so, walking by a wood side, full of sorrow, he met, as he
+thought, an old man in good clothing, who saluted him and demanded the
+cause of his melancholy, and why he walked so solitary. At first he
+refused to tell him, as thinking he could do him no good; but the other
+urging it, promised to assist him if he wanted anything. He said, "I am
+in want. I want fine clothes, as I used to have; I want money to buy
+food, pay debts, redeem my mortgaged land, and many things more. Can you
+help me to enough to do it?" "I can," said the old man, "on one
+condition." "What's that?" said the gentleman. "If it be anything
+tolerable I shall not refuse it, for I cannot be well worse or in
+greater hardship than I am now." "Why," said the other, "the matter is
+not so much; you shall only oblige yourself when I have furnished you
+with money to do all you have named and you have paid every one you owe
+a farthing to, to become obedient to me, and be disposed of at my
+pleasure." Now the young man, taking him for a usurer, and very rich,
+supposed this obligation was only a fetch to marry his daughter or some
+kinswoman of his, which he could be well contented to do, not doubting
+to have a good portion, and therefore scrupled not to do as he desired.
+Upon this he bid him meet him the next morning, about the same time,
+when he would have the writing ready; and on signing he should have the
+money. So they parted, and the gentleman delayed not coming, without
+asking advice, and was as punctually met; but when he saw the writing in
+blood he was startled a little, but the old man told him it was only a
+whim of his own to have it so written to distinguish it from other
+men's, and put his debtors more in mind to repay the money he lent them.
+Upon this speech, and the gentleman's seeing store of gold and silver
+brought by three or four of whom he supposed to be servants, he believed
+it. "But how," said he, "shall I write with the same?" "Oh," said he,
+"let me see. I'll prick your right vein," which he did, whilst the
+gentleman found an unusual trembling and an inward remorse in his mind.
+However, taking the bloody pen in his hand, he desperately subscribed
+and sealed the writing. Then, telling the money into a cloak bag, he
+laid it on his horse, and they, with much ceremony, took leave of each
+other. The gentleman laughed in his sleeve to think how he would find
+him out, seeing he had not asked, nor himself told him, where he lived.
+
+Soon after he summoned all his creditors, paid them to a farthing,
+redeemed his land, went gallant, and recovered his esteem in the world;
+but one evening as he was looking over his writings in his closet, he
+heard somebody rap at the door, when, opening it, he saw the party he
+had borrowed the money of, with the writing in his hand, who told him he
+was now come to demand him, and he must now go along with him; for to
+his knowledge he had paid his debts, and done whatever was agreed to.
+The gentleman, wondering how he should know this so soon, denied it.
+"Nay," replied he, fiercely, "deny it not, for I'll not be cheated of my
+bargain," and thereupon changed into a horrible shape, struck him almost
+dead with fear, for now he perceived it was the devil. Then he told him
+if he did not meet on the morrow, in the same place he had lent him the
+money, he would come the next day and tear him to pieces. "And," says
+he, "if I prove not what I say, you shall be quiet"; and so vanished out
+of the window in a flash of flame, with horrible bellowings. The
+gentleman, seeing himself in this case, began to weep bitterly, and
+wished he had been contented in his sad condition, rather than have
+taken such a desperate way to enrich himself, and was almost at his
+wits' end.
+
+Friar Bacon, knowing by his art what had passed, came to comfort him,
+and having heard the whole story, bid him not despair, but pray and
+repent of his sins, and he would contrive to show the devil a trick that
+should release him from his obligation. This greatly comforted the
+gentleman, and he promised to do whatever the friar should order him.
+"Then," says he, "meet at the time appointed, and I will be near. Offer
+to put the decision of the controversy to the next that comes by, and
+that shall be myself, and I will find a way infallibly to give it on
+your side." Accordingly he met, and the devil consented to put it to
+arbitration. Then Friar Bacon appearing, "Lo," said the gentleman,
+"here's a proper judge. This learned friar shall determine it, and if it
+goes against me, you have free liberty to do with me as you please."
+"Content," said the devil. Then each of them told their story, and the
+writing was produced, with all the acquittances he had taken; for the
+devil, contrary to his knowledge, had stolen them and the other writings
+belonging to his estate out of his closet. The friar, weighing well the
+matter, asked the gentleman whether he had paid the devil any of the
+money he borrowed of him. "No," replied he, "not one farthing." "Why
+then," said he, "Mr. Devil, his debts are not discharged; you are his
+principal creditor, and, according to this writing, can lay no claim to
+him till every one of his debts are discharged." "How! how!" replied the
+devil, "am I outwitted then? O friar, thou art a crafty knave!" and
+thereupon vanished in a flame, raising a mighty tempest of thunder,
+lightning, and rain; so that they were wet through before they could get
+shelter. Then Bacon charged him he should never pay the devil a farthing
+of his debt, whatever shape he came in, or artifice he used to wheedle
+him out of it, and then he could have no power over him. The gentleman
+on this, living a temperate frugal life, grew very rich, and leaving no
+children at his death, bequeathed his estate to Brazen Nose College,
+because Friar Bacon, a member of it, had delivered him from so great a
+danger of body and soul.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Friar Bacon framed a Brazen Head which, by
+        Enchantment, was to Speak; by that means
+    all England had been walled with Brass, if the Folly
+     of his man Miles, who was set to watch the Head,
+        had not disappointed it, not timely calling
+          his Master to answer it, for which he
+               was struck Dumb many Days._
+
+
+Friar Bacon, being now a profound proficient in the art of magic and
+many other sciences, contrived, with one Friar Bungey, who was his
+pupil, to do something memorable for the good of his country, and many
+things they cast in their minds. At last they remembered that England
+had often been harassed and invaded by the Romans, Saxons, Danes,
+Normans, and other nations at sundry times, to the great effusion of
+blood, and often alteration of the constitution of governments; and if
+anything might be contrived to prevent the like for the future, they
+should thereby raise a lasting monument to their names.
+
+Bacon, upon this, concluded to frame a head of brass, and if, by their
+art, they could cause it to speak, and answer their demands, they
+required that all the sea-girt shores of England and Wales should be
+walled with brass, and brazen towers be raised on the frontiers of
+Scotland, to hinder the incursions and rovings of the hardy Scots.
+
+They laboured to do this by art, but could not; so they conjured up a
+spirit, to inquire of the infernal council whether it might be done or
+not. The spirit, however, was unwilling to answer, till Friar Bacon
+threatened with his charms to bind him in chains in the Red Sea or to a
+burning rock, and make him the sport of wrecking whirlwinds.
+
+Terrified by this means, he said of himself he could give no answer, but
+must inquire of his lord, Lucifer. They granted him two days for an
+answer. Accordingly he returned this:--"If they for two months would
+carefully watch the head, it should in that time speak, but the certain
+time should not be known to them, and then, if they did hear it, they
+should be answered."
+
+At this they much rejoiced, and watched by turns very carefully for six
+weeks, and no voice was uttered. At length, tired out, and broken for
+want of their natural rest, they concluded some other might watch as
+well as they, till they refreshed themselves in repose, and call them
+when the head began to speak, which would be time enough; and because
+this was a secret they did not care for having it known till they saw
+what they should make of it. Bacon thereupon proposed his man Miles, and
+Bungey approved of it; so they called Miles, told him the nature of the
+brazen head and what was intended, by giving him a strict charge on his
+life, to awake them as soon as ever he heard it speak.
+
+"For that, master," said he, "let me alone. I warrant you I'll do your
+business effectually, never fear it." So he got him a long sword by his
+side, and a tabor and pipe to play, and keep him awake if any drowsiness
+or the like should overtake him.
+
+The charge being given, and he thus accoutred, the two friars went to
+rest in the next apartment. Miles then began to pipe and sing songs of
+his sweethearts and frolics:--
+
+    "Bessy, that is so frolic and gay,
+    Like a cat she loves with her tail to play;
+    Though sometimes she'll pant and frown,
+    All's well when her anger goes down.
+
+    "She'll never say nay, but sport and play;
+    O, Bessy to me is the queen of the May;
+    For Margery she is peevish and proud;
+    Come, fiddlers, then, and scrape the crowd."
+
+Whilst his merriment passed, after a hoarse noise, like thunder almost
+spent, the head spoke distinctly, "TIME IS." "Oh ho!" says Miles, "is
+this all the news you can tell me? Well, copper nose, has my master
+taken all this pains about you, and you can speak no wiser? Dost thou
+think I am such a fool to break his sweet slum for this? No, speak
+wiser, or he shall sleep on. Time is, quotha! Why, I know time is, and
+that thou shalt hear, goodman kettle jaws.
+
+    "Time is for some to gain,
+      Time is for some to lose;
+    Time is for some to hand,
+      But then they cannot choose.
+
+    Time is to go a score,
+      Time is when one should pay:
+    Time is to reckon, too,
+      But few care for that day.
+
+    Time is to graft the born
+      Upon another's head;
+    Time is to make maids' hearts swell,
+      Oh, then 'tis time they're wed.
+
+"Hear'st thou this, goodman copper nose? We scholars know when time is,
+without thy babbling. We know when time is to drink good sack, eat well,
+kiss our hostesses, and run on the score. But when time is to pay them
+is indeed but seldom."
+
+While thus he merrily discoursed, about half an hour after the same
+noise began as before, and the head said, "TIME WAS." "Well," said
+Miles, "this blockish head is the foolishest thing my wise master ever
+troubled himself about. How would he have laughed, had he been here, to
+hear it prat so simply! Therefore, thou brazen-faced ass, speak wiser,
+or I shall never trouble my head to awake him. Time was, quotha! thou
+ass thou! I know that, and so thou shalt hear, for I find my master has
+watched and tutored thee to a fine purpose.
+
+    "Time was when thou, a kettle,
+      Was wont to hold good matter;
+    But Friar Bacon did thee spoil
+      When he thy sides did batter.
+
+    Time was when conscience dwelt
+      With men of each vocation;
+    Time was when lawyers did not thrive
+      So well by men's vexations.
+
+    Time was when charity
+      Was not denied a being;
+    Time was when office kept no knaves;
+      That time was worth the seeing.
+
+"Ay, ay, and time was for many other things. But what of that, goodman
+brazen face? I see my master has placed me here on a very foolish
+account. I think I'd as good go to sleep, too, as to stay watching here
+to no purpose." Whilst he thus scoffed and taunted, the head spoke a
+third time, and said, "TIME IS PAST!" and so, with a horrid noise, fell
+down and broke to pieces. Whereupon ensued lamentable shrieks and cries,
+flashes of fire, and a rattling as of thunder, which awaking the two
+friars, they came running in, in great disorder found Miles rolling on
+the floor, in a stinking pickle, almost dead with fear, and the head
+lying shattered about the room in a thousand pieces. Then, having
+brought him to his senses again, they demanded how this came. "Nay, the
+devil knows better than I," said Miles, "I believe he was in this plaguy
+head: for when it fell, it gave a bounce like a cannon." "Wretch that
+thou art!" said Bacon, "trifle not with my impatience. Didst thou hear
+it speak, varlet! answer me that."
+
+"Why, truly," said Miles, "it did speak, but very simply, considering
+you have been so long a-tutoring it. I protest I could have taught a
+jackdaw to have spoke better in two days. It said, 'TIME IS.'" "Oh,
+villain!" says Bacon, "had'st thou called me then, all England had been
+walled with brass, to my immortal fame." "Then," continued Miles, "about
+half an hour after, it said, 'TIME WAS.'" "O, wretch! how my anger burns
+against thee. Had you but called me then, it might have done what I
+desired." "Then," said he, "it said, 'TIME'S PAST'; and so fell down
+with the horrid noise that waked you and made me, I am sure, befoul my
+breeches; and since here's so much to do about time, I think it's time
+for me to retire and clean myself." "Well, villain," says Bacon, "thou
+has lost all our cost and pains by thy foolish negligence." "Why," said
+Miles, "I thought it would not have stopped when it once began, but
+would have gone on and told me some pleasant story, or have commanded me
+to have called you, and I should have done it; but I see the devil is a
+cunning sophister, and all hell would not allow him tinkers and brass
+enough to do the work, and therefore has put this trick upon us to get
+oft from his promise." "How, slave," said the friar, "art thou at
+buffoonery, now thou hast done me this great injury? Sirrah! because you
+think the head spake not enough to induce you to call us, you shall
+speak less in two months' space," and with that, by enchantment, he
+struck him dumb to the end of that time, and would have done worse had
+not Bungey had compassion on the fellow's simplicity and persuaded him
+from it.
+
+And thus ends the history of that famous Friar Bacon, who had done a
+deed which would have made his fame ring through all ages yet to come,
+had it not been for the simplicity of his man Miles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                  THE BLIND BEGGAR
+
+                  OF BETHNAL GREEN,
+
+                     CONTAINING
+
+     His Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars and
+         Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+         how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her
+         being Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind
+         Beggar dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the
+         Knight and the Beggar's Daughter being Married;
+         and, lastly, how the famous Pedigree of the Beggar was
+         discovered, with other Things worthy of Note.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _How Monford went to the Wars of France, where he lost his
+        Sight; how he was accompanied with his Wife, who
+       preserved his Life, and of his Return to England, etc._
+
+
+In former days, when the rose of England eclipsed the lilies of France,
+and true English valour made that nation stoop, among other brave
+gallants that went over to try their fortune, Monford was one, a person
+well descended, who, being naturally inclined to war and greedy of fame,
+neither the entreaty of friends nor the marriage he had contracted with
+a kind, beautiful woman, could alter his purpose; but taking his wife
+Margaret with him, he, with many hundreds more, crossed the seas, and
+with the help of a prosperous wind, arriving at Calais, marched to the
+royal standard, accompanied with his loving wife, who, in manlike
+attire, became his inseparable companion, and was the cause of saving
+his life; for many skirmishes happened between the English and French,
+wherein young Monford behaved himself with wondrous courage; and in one,
+following too hot the pursuit, was, with divers others, entrapped into
+ambush, late in the evening; and though he manfully disputed it, making
+great slaughter of the enemy, yet in spite of resistance he was beaten
+from his horse by a forcible stroke, and left in the field for dead
+among the dying men; where he had undoubtedly perished through loss of
+blood, and the anguish of his wounds, had not his tender-hearted love,
+upon hearing what had happened and his not returning, hasted to the
+field, where, among the slain, she by moonlight discovered him, stripped
+and struggling for life, and by the help of a servant brought him to a
+shepherd's cottage, where she carefully dressed his wounds and
+administered such cordials as brought him to himself, to her unspeakable
+joy; though this joy was something abated when she found he had lost his
+sight, but true love working in her heart, the alteration or
+disfigurement of his countenance did not alter her affection; but
+comforting him in the best manner she could, though his natural courage
+would not admit of any dejection, she procured him a homely suit of
+apparel, and brought him (unfit for service) back to England, of whose
+entertainment and settlement at Bethnal Green, in the county of
+Middlesex, and course of life, you shall hear in the following chapter.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Monford arrived in England and of the Cold
+       Entertainment he found among his relations.
+    How he settled in Bethnal Green, where he continued to beg
+                         for his Living._
+
+
+Monford, having escaped a dreadful storm at sea, landed with his wife on
+the coast of Essex, where he had some considerable relations, to whom,
+in his necessity, they applied themselves for succour; but they, who,
+after the death of his parents, had wasted much of his patrimony, or
+fearing he might be chargeable to them, would not know him, and those
+that were convinced he was the same Monford that went over to France
+gave him but cold entertainment; insomuch that, scorning to rely upon
+their charity, he told his wife that he intended, early in the morning,
+to haste towards London, and that he would rather trust to Providence
+than the ingratitude of those who, in his prosperous days, had caressed
+him. His wife declared she would labour at her spinning-wheel or do what
+she was capable for a living. In two days travelling they spent what
+little money they had saved, so necessity obliged them to ask charity of
+the people as he passed through the country towns and villages; who,
+understanding that he came by his misfortune in fighting for the honour
+of his country, gave liberally to him; and considering that the loss of
+his sight had rendered him incapable of business, he resolved to embrace
+what providence had cast in his way, which was to live upon charity.
+Whereupon, arriving at Bethnal Green, near London, he hired a small
+cottage for his wife and himself, and daily appearing publicly to crave
+alms, was from thence called "The Beggar of Bethnal Green," and in a
+short time found it a thriving trade, insomuch that his bed of straw was
+changed into down, and his earthen platters and other utensils into a
+better sort of decent furniture.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Monford happened to meet with Snap, an old,
+        experienced Beggar, who gave him an Insight
+       into the Mystery of the Canting Tribe; and how he
+                 invited him to the Rendezvous._
+
+
+Monford resolving in this kind of way to spend the remainder of his
+days, being very well contented with his trade, having played it with
+great success in the place where he lived, one day he was encountered by
+an old proficient in the art of begging, who, seeing him very diligent,
+did greatly covet his acquaintance, and to know what gang he did belong
+to. He therefore accosts him in their canting method, which is a sort of
+speech or rather a gibberish peculiar to themselves. Monford, being
+ignorant, could make him no direct answer, which the other, whose name
+was Snap, perceiving, and thereby knowing him to be a young beginner,
+invited him to their feasts or rendezvous in Whitechapel, whither he
+having promised to come, and they between them tripped off four black
+pots of rum, they parted that time.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Monford went to the Beggars' Feast, and of his
+      Entertainment, and also the Presents they made._
+
+
+Monford, upon his coming home, declared to his wife what a merry
+companion he met with, and what discourse he had, and likewise what he
+had promised, entreating her to get things in readiness, that she might
+conduct him thither, where appeared, instead of a ragged regiment of
+lame, blind, and dumb, there was a rout of jovial dancers, as gay as the
+spring, and as merry as the maids; which made them imagine they were
+mistaken in the place or was imposed upon, and therefore turned to go
+away, had not Snap started from his chair, where he sat as supervisor,
+in all his gallantry, and taking him by the hand, let him know who it
+was introduced him into the assembly, where he was received as brother
+of their society, every member saluting him with a compliment, and, that
+he might not want a guide for the future, Snap, in the name of the
+society, presented him with a dog and a bell trained to the business. So
+his wife and he, being splendidly entertained, were dismissed, upon his
+promise that he would not be absent at their yearly meeting.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _What Success he had in the Begging Trade. How his
+        Wife was brought to Bed of a Daughter, and
+           Christened by the Name of Elizabeth._
+
+
+The blind beggar soon became master of his trade, and, by the help of
+his dog, trudged often to London, and having the perfect tone, had the
+luck to return with his pockets well lined with chink. His way of
+begging became so pleasing to him that he would often sing as follows--
+
+    A beggar lives a merry life,
+      And has both wealth and ease;
+    His days are free from care and strife,
+      He does whate'er he please.
+
+    While others labour, sweat, and toil,
+      His tongue does get him pelf;
+    He travels with his dog and bell,
+      And brings home store of wealth.
+
+He being by this time in a warm condition, to add further to his joy,
+his loving wife fell in labour, and was delivered of a daughter, whose
+birth made him think he was the happiest man alive, and hundred times he
+kissed her and dandled her in his arms, whom he christened by the name
+of Elizabeth, and as she increased in years, so her beauty and modesty
+caused her to be called "Pretty Betty." Some began to dote upon her
+admirable perfections, and the better to qualify her gave her such
+learning as was suitable to her degree, which she improved; so that her
+beauty and wit, her skill in singing, dancing, and playing on
+instruments of music, procured her the envy of the young maidens
+thereabouts, who supposed themselves much superior in birth and fortune,
+would often reflect upon her birth, and call her a beggar's brat. She
+bore all their ill language without returning it, and endeavoured to win
+them to her by gentle persuasions; but not prevailing, and her patience
+spent, she said, "I never injured any of you, but have strove to do you
+all the good offices which I was capable of doing; why, then, do you
+envy and abuse me? What if my parents are in a mean station, yet they
+pay for my education of dancing and singing which they bestow upon me,
+and though, perhaps, I am not so well descended as some of you, though
+you may be mistaken, yet Heaven might have made your case the same had
+it thought fit." Yet, finding that they did not cease to rail at her,
+and being by this time about fifteen years of age, she prevailed with
+her parents to grant her leave to seek her fortune.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How handsome Betty took Leave of her Parents, and
+             the Entertainment she met with._
+
+
+Now the time of Betty's departure being come, her parents furnished her
+with clothes and other necessaries, whereupon she fell upon her knees
+and craved their blessing, which being given, with many prayers for her
+prosperity, they took a sad farewell.
+
+Pretty Betty, having now left her father's house, or rather smoke-loft,
+went pensive along the road towards Stradford, relying only on
+Providence to direct her. Having walked all night, at sunrise she came
+to Rumford, in Essex and being ready to faint, betook herself to an inn,
+and called for something to refresh her. The mistress of the house,
+taking notice of her garb, beautiful face, and modest behaviour, though
+dejected, began to ask her from whence she came, and whither she was
+bound. Betty replied, "I am going to seek my fortune. I am very well
+educated by my indulgent parents, who live near London; but I am now
+obliged, contrary to my former expectation, to get my livelihood in some
+honest way of working." The good woman, being more and more taken with
+her carriage, demanded if she would be content to stay with her till
+she could better provide to her advantage, and that she would use her
+as a daughter rather than a servant. Betty thankfully accepted the
+offer, and in the performance of whatever she undertook discharged
+herself so well that she gained the love and applause of all that
+observed her, insomuch that her name for beauty and ingenuity began to
+spread, and abundance of young men resorted to the house, which created
+a great trade, on purpose to see her, who generally took a liking to
+her; for nature had made her so lovely and charming that she could not
+but be admired, insomuch that many of them, as they found opportunity,
+began to buzz love stories in her ears, to which she gave but little
+heed, till four suitors of greater worth beat off these little
+assailants, and laid close siege, as in the following chapter will
+appear.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty, living at an Inn at Rumford, was
+               Courted by Persons of Fortune._
+
+
+It being whispered about that pretty Betty must needs be some great
+person's daughter, it highly increased her reputation. At last the
+inn-keeper's son, a very rich London merchant, courted her. But she
+modestly declined his offers, as also the offers of all other suitors,
+by representing to them the inequality of her fortune to theirs; but
+this served only to increase their passions. And being every day
+importuned, she at last resolved to discover who her parents were,
+judging that way to be the most sure means to try the sincerity of their
+love and affection which they pretended to have for her.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty being Woo'd by her Master's Son, a
+         Merchant, a Gentleman, and a Knight; how,
+   upon her declaring her Parentage, was slighted by all but
+             the Knight; and of their Agreement._
+
+
+Our beautiful virgin, being hardly pressed for love and enjoyment,
+found herself obliged to take a course that might rid her of her lovers,
+or allot one of them to her share; wherefore she told them she was not
+really at her own disposal, her parents being alive; therefore, if they
+loved her as they said, and seeing but one could enjoy her, she was
+contented her father should choose one for her, of whose choice she
+would approve.
+
+This set them almost at daggers drawing, who should get thither first,
+but whither to go they knew not, therefore desired to be informed, every
+one's heart being filled with joy, not doubting to carry the prize; when
+thus she began:--"My parents, worthy sirs, live on Bethnal Green. My
+father is left with a dog and a bell, living upon the charity of good
+people, and my mother a poor woman that spins for bread. Thus I have
+declared to you my parents, and though I might have the richest person
+in the world for a husband, yet I would not marry him without their
+consent, which I think myself bound in duty to obtain."
+
+Most of her suitors seemed thunderstruck at this plain declaration,
+every one, except the knight, despising her now as much as they seemed
+to love her before, each of them swearing they would not undervalue
+themselves to marry a beggar's child. But the knight was more inflamed
+than ever, and having a large estate, did not regard interest or a
+portion so much as he did the pleasing of his fancy with a beautiful,
+modest, young, and virtuous maid, all of which centred in Pretty Betty.
+Therefore, after he had paused a while took the blushing virgin by the
+hand, and said, "You see, fair creature, how they that pretended to love
+you did it only in expectation of your being descended from wealthy
+parents, and that they might get a large portion. Though they have left
+you, if you will accept of me for a husband, who truly love you on
+account of your virtue and beauty, I will make you my wife and settle on
+you a jointure." To this she replied, "Alas, sir, I dare not hope for
+so much happiness, or, if I durst, yet would not dispose of myself
+without my parents' consent; though I must confess," says she, blushing,
+"I ever did esteem you above all the gentlemen who did make love and
+offer themselves to me." This modesty kindled his passion more, and
+therefore, after many vows of constancy, it was agreed that he should
+provide horses and servants, and conduct her the next morning to Bethnal
+Green, to ask and obtain her father's consent; yet this affair was not
+so secretly managed but spies being abroad soon discovered it, who not
+only discovered to the knight's uncle, who was guardian and trustee for
+him, and had the sole care of his estate, but to most of the young men
+in Rumford who were her admirers, as the following chapter will inform
+you.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty rid behind the Knight to her Father's
+         House, and what happened on the Road; also
+       what happened between the Knight's Uncle and Betty's
+                             Father._
+
+
+Pretty Betty, having met the knight according to appointment, did not
+scruple to ride behind him; but they had scarce got out of town when his
+uncle came to the inn, but not finding either of them there, was
+confirmed that what had been told him was true, and therefore he
+followed them to prevent the match, being accompanied with several of
+Betty's lovers, who suspected the knight had taken her away by force.
+Their hurry and confusion was great, and the townsmen going a nearer
+way, overtook and fell foul upon the knight and his servants, without
+giving him leave to speak for himself or suffering his mistress to
+excuse him, so that a sharp conflict ensued, till at length divers
+persons that were travelling the road came and parted them, whereby they
+came to a right understanding, which made those that had misused him beg
+his pardon, which he granted, and, dismissing them, kept on his way
+till, coming to the old man's door, they alighted; which made him, upon
+hearing the noise of horses trampling, being a thing very unusual, start
+from the fire, and put his head out of the window, and not understanding
+the meaning of it, ere the knight's uncle came puffing and blowing at a
+strange rate crying, "Why, how now nephew? what's this I hear of you?
+Are you mad to disgrace your family by marrying a beggar's brat? For
+shame, for shame! consider better than to make yourself a laughing stock
+to the world by such an unseemly match." Then, turning about to Pretty
+Betty, said, "Pray how came this about, you baggage you? But, however, I
+say, nephew, leave her and come along with me and I will provide a rich
+wife for you suitable to your condition."
+
+To this the young knight would have replied, but the blind beggar
+Monford, not being able to bear his taunts and reproaches any longer,
+said, "I cannot see you at all, but sir, whatever you are I hear you too
+much, and more than becomes a civil gentleman; nor do I count my girl so
+mean to suffer her to be railed on at my door; therefore, pray sir, hold
+your prating, or I shall fell you with my staff. I have seen the day
+when a taller fellow than you durst not put me in a passion. If your
+kinsman does not think my child a fit match for him, let him let her
+alone and welcome. I am satisfied she hath her share of beauty and good
+breeding, and those are enough to recommend her. But know, sir, that I,
+her father, am willing and ready to lay down as many guineas for my
+child as you are to drop for your nephew, and therefore care not how
+soon you begin." The knight's uncle was something surprised at this
+speech of the blind beggar's; but, however, he accepted of the
+challenge, and sent to London for a bag of gold. As soon as it was
+brought, Monford pulled out two large cat skins stuffed with gold from
+under a bundle of rags, whereby it appeared his trade had been
+advantageous. Both parties being ready, they rained a golden shower so
+plentifully that the gentleman's stock failed him, and the beggar, not
+hearing it chink, fell into laughter and said, "How, sir, is your money
+done so soon? I thought at first you had more words than money. Pray,
+for your credit's sake, try your friends, for I have three or four cat
+skins with golden puddings in their bellies yet." "Indeed," said the
+gentleman, "I am content to own you have outdone me, and think you have
+the philosopher's stone, or keep a familiar to bring it to you from the
+golden mountain. But seeing the world goes so well with you, I shall no
+further go about to persuade my nephew from being your son-in-law, but
+beg pardon for what I have done." "Oh, do you so," said the beggar,
+"then may things be better, perhaps, than you expect." Then, turning to
+the knight, "Gather up," said he, "the loose coin I have scattered, and
+here's a cat skin filled which will make up the sum of three thousand
+pounds, beside a hundred more to buy her a wedding gown. Take this as
+her present portion, and, as you behave yourself, expect more hereafter.
+I give her to you, and with her a blessing. Go to church and be married,
+in God's name, and I wish you both success and prosperity." When he had
+thus spoken, the knight and bride fell upon their knees, and gave him a
+thousand thanks and departed, whilst those that had been suitors,
+hearing what had happened, were ready to hang themselves for madness.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty was Married to the Knight, and her
+                   true Pedigree discovered._
+
+
+Things being come to pass, great preparations were made for the wedding.
+The bride and bridegroom were dressed in rich apparel, and as soon as
+the ceremony was ended they went to the place appointed for keeping
+their wedding dinner. Hither resorted abundance of persons of
+distinction, who had been invited, yet none of them surpassed the bride
+in modesty and beauty. At length her father and mother came in, dressed
+in silks and embroidered velvets. The company was pleased with the
+entertainment, which was very costly, and when the music, dancing, and
+masquerading was ended, the old man Monford sung a song, wherein he
+discovered his pedigree and his valour in the wars of France, which also
+filled the company full of admiration.
+
+
+    OLD MONFORD'S SONG.
+
+    You gallants all, that here are come
+      To make this day more happy prove;
+    Know, though I'm blind, I am not dumb,
+      But wish you happiness and love.
+
+    The bride, although her birth seems mean,
+      Is born of a noble race;
+    Her predecessors great have been,
+      If you her pedigree do trace.
+
+    Know she is Monford's daughter fair,
+      Who lost his sight in the wars of France,
+    Who ever since, in begging here,
+      Did take this happy, thriving chance.
+
+    Consider, bridegroom, then her birth,
+      Which some think mean and low,
+    As much of honour can bring forth
+      As you have power to show.
+
+The name of Monford, which had been held so famous for virtue and valour
+in those days, did not a little cause wonder in the hearers, who,
+desiring him to explain himself, and give the company a particular
+account of all his adventures from his youth till the present time, and
+immediately a profound silence ensued, the noble company sitting in
+full expectation of being diverted with the surprising achievements and
+glorious exploits of old Monford, especially his son-in-law, who was
+more desirous than all the rest to hear this seemingly so much pleasing
+relation, and his beautiful bride was no less anxious to hear more of
+her pedigree; for till now she had been kept in the dark with regard to
+her high birth. Monford, hearing all were silent, begun to relate first,
+his marriage; second, his going over to France, accompanied by his
+beloved spouse, his adventures there; and, lastly, how he lost his sight
+in an engagement, with his return to England, and the success he had by
+begging; all which caused a general joy, since those who had formerly
+known him by that name supposed him to be dead; and the bridegroom was
+pronounced now more happy than ever, whose lovely bride in both birth
+and fortune equalled his in all degrees, and her father, for the credit
+of his daughter, promised to leave off his begging trade and live upon
+what he had got. This day was concluded to the joy and satisfaction of
+all parties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                   PLEASANT HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                     POOR ROBIN
+
+                         THE
+
+                 MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN
+
+                       SHOWING
+
+   The Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+             and how he Tricked a rich Miser, etc.
+         Very diverting for a Winter Evening Fireside.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _The birth of Poor Robin, how he was bound Apprentice
+   to a Saddler, and what a trick he served his Master._
+
+
+Poor Robin was born in Saffron-Walden, in the county of Essex, of
+honest, plain parents, who brought him up not as our nice dames do
+now-a-days, by directing him how much he should eat, but, as the fashion
+was then, full fed with gross meat, so that in a few years he grew a
+sturdy lad; and considering his growth and manners, a man might well say
+better fed than taught. His father being willing he should be able to
+live in the world another day, bound him an apprentice to a Saddler, one
+who fitted poor Robin's humour to a hair; for the master loving drink,
+he thought it should go hard if the man likewise did not also wet his
+lips with it. It fortuned one time his master had brewed a barrel of
+beer stronger than ordinary, to the drinking of which poor Robin one
+night invites five or six of his comrades, who, before the next morning,
+drank it all up. Poor Robin to excuse himself, draws the spiggot out,
+and throws a pailful of small beer and two or three pails full of water
+under the tap, and by a wile gets a great sow into the cellar; so the
+next morning when his master arose all was quiet, and the sow was blamed
+for what the boar pig had done.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Poor Robin served his Master for sitting up late at Nights._
+
+
+Poor Robin's master had gotten a custom that the man did not at all
+like, which was, that after he had tippled all day, sometimes till ten
+or eleven o'clock at night, he would then come home and fall asleep in a
+chair, during which time his man must not go to bed, but wait until his
+master awakened. Poor Robin to break him of this evil custom, one night
+when his master came home soundly fuddled, and falling asleep in his
+chair as usual; so he made a great fire, and then drew his master's legs
+so near thereto, that his toes touched some of the coals; which being
+done, he sits him down in the other corner to observe the sequel. He had
+not sat long till his master's shoes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly
+awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad. The man all the while
+counterfeits himself asleep, and seemed not to awake for a good space.
+At last, seeming much to pity his master's misfortune, they went to bed.
+But never after that would his master sit up to sleep in his chair.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Poor Robin served a rich Miser._
+
+
+In the same town lived a rich miser who had wealth enough to have been
+treasurer of the town, and wisdom answerable to a beadle of a parish.
+This man, fuller of faith than good works, would neither feast the poor
+nor relieve their wants, nor hold brotherly unity with any. Poor Robin
+being resolved to put a trick upon him, it being then Christmas, made it
+fit for his purpose; and so counterfeiting himself to be the gentleman's
+man, about ten or eleven o'clock at night, just when people were in bed,
+he calls at sundry men's doors, inviting them the next day to his
+master's (naming the gentleman's name) to dinner. Whereupon the next day
+appeared the number of two and twenty in their roast-meat apparel; but,
+contrary to their expectations, finding small preparations towards a
+dinner, they began to wonder wherefore he had invited them; the
+gentleman as much wondered wherefore they came. At last the truth was
+cleared on both sides, some laughed, and some frowned; and so they all
+departed home.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Robin Married and set up for Himself._
+
+
+Poor Robin having served out his apprenticeship would needs set up for
+himself, and thereupon hires a house and shop; yet thinking it
+inconvenient for him to live alone, and that two heads were better than
+one, he resolved to do as many others did, marry in haste though he
+should repent at leisure. But his fortune was better than his deserts,
+for though she was but a homely woman, with whom he joined in matrimony,
+yet she was provident to live in the world, and for his own part he
+stood not much on beauty, but had rather have a fat purse than a fair
+wife, seeing there was great profit in the one, and less danger of being
+made a cuckold by the other. Never did a couple more lovingly agree
+together than did this pair at first, insomuch that duck and lamb were
+the ordinary terms he bestowed upon her; whereupon a wit of the town
+hearing this loving language betwixt them, made this epigram to be read
+by any that can understand it.
+
+    Poor Robin thinks his wife excels most dames,
+    And calls her duck and lamb, with such kind names,
+    A duck's a bird, a lamb's a beast we know,
+    Poor Robin's wife's a foul beast then I trow.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _How Poor Robin served one of his Companions a
+                    Slovenous Trick._
+
+
+Poor Robin having set up for himself (as you have heard), he would
+oftentimes travel abroad in the country to get acquaintance amongst the
+gentry. It happened one time, being belated homeward, and his brain
+intoxicated with the juice of Bacchus, that he took up his quarters in a
+country ale-house, where notwithstanding he had gotten a lusty jug
+before, yet fell he to drinking of beer and cider, as if his belly was
+bottomless; at last growing sleepy he went to bed, where it was his
+chance to be lodged in the same chamber where one of his acquaintances
+was already in bed, who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the
+next morning was he no sooner got up providing a pot and toast ready
+against poor Robin arose, but a foul mischance befel poor Robin in the
+meantime, for the wine, beer, and cider not agreeing in his belly, he
+very mannerly, sir-reverence vomited on the bed. Whereupon not knowing
+what to do, and being loth to be discredited, a crotchet came into his
+crown, which he presently put in execution. He takes the dirty sheets
+from off his own bed, and lays them on his friend's, and then takes his
+and lays them on his own bed, so spreading the coverlet as if nothing
+was amiss, he makes himself ready and downstairs he goes. No sooner was
+he below but his friend arrests him at Mr. Fox's suit, and by all means
+would make him pay his groat for being drunk. Poor Robin excused himself
+as well as he could, and would be judged by the landlord whether he was
+fuddled or no; whilst they were wrangling about paying the groat, the
+maid went up into the chamber to make the beds; but finding one of them
+in a pitiful pickle, she came chafing down, calling the man beastly
+fellow and nasty knave, with other Billingsgate language, such as came
+first to her tongue's end. The man thought her mad, thus to scold for
+nothing, till at last she told him plainly he had vomited the bed.
+"Nay," quoth poor Robin, "I will be judged by my landlord which of us
+was most fuddled last night." "Truly," said the host, "I can judge no
+otherwise but that he was, or he would not have played such a nasty
+trick." Whereupon it was judged by all the company that the man should
+pay his groat, and poor Robin got free.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Of a sad Disaster that befel Poor Robin._
+
+
+It happened on a time, during the late unhappy wars, that all the Essex
+Trainband were assembled at Walden, to resist the king's forces, who, in
+a bravado, had made their excursions as far as Huntingdon. Amongst other
+military weapons of destruction, they brought a drake, which they
+planted under poor Robin's chamber-window, to be shot off at nine
+o'clock at night, for a warning for all people to repair home. Poor
+Robin and his wife were at that time newly gone to bed; now it is to be
+understood, the chamber where they lay went out half over the room
+below, a rail of about four feet high being set up by the side to keep
+them from falling, close by the rail was poor Robin's bed. But whilst
+they were going to sleep, the drake was shot off, which poor Sarah, his
+wife, hearing, with the fright gave a sudden start, and threw poor Robin
+quite over the rail into the room below. Poor Robin was much bruised in
+body and half dead. At length he got up, but his courage was so cooled
+with the greatness of his fall that he had more need of a doctor than a
+sleep.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Poor Sarah was cheated of her Mutton Pie._
+
+
+Poor Sarah on a time made a very great pie, into which she had put a
+whole loin of mutton besides other things, so that it was valued worth
+five or six shillings at least. This pie she sent to the common oven to
+bake, which, being perceived by three or four merry blades, they
+resolved, if they could possibly, to cheat her of the pie, which at last
+they brought to pass on this manner. At such time as the baker used to
+draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a tale, whilst the other
+sent one of her neighbour's boys to the baker's with a pail, a napkin,
+and money to pay for the baking. The baker mistrusting no knavery,
+delivered the boy the pie, which was presently carried to the next
+ale-house, whether inviting some more of their companions unto them, with
+much mirth and laughter; and because the jest should be publicly known
+they set the crier to work, who published the same in every corner of
+the town.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Poor Robin ate Dog-stones instead of Lamb-stones._
+
+
+As Poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than fish, so of all sorts of
+flesh he loved a dish of lamb-stones best. A merry disposed companion
+knowing his appetite, resolved to put a trick upon him. A gentleman of
+the town who kept a pack of hounds, having gelt his dogs, he gets the
+stones, and with a few sweet breads presents them to poor Robin as a
+dainty dish. Poor Robin very thankful for so great kindness would not
+stay, but presently had them dressed, making all the haste he could, for
+fear any should come in to be partakers with him in his dinner. But
+having eaten them, and understood the truth, he fell a-spewing as if his
+gall would come up with it. Poor Sarah, in like manner, disgorged her
+stomach, so that who should have seen them, would have concluded them
+drunk with eating.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _A witty Jest that Poor Robin gave a Sergeant._
+
+
+The Blue Regiment of Train-Soldiers being on a time at Walden, one of
+the sergeants, to show his bravery, had gotten a great blue scarf about
+his middle, being as much or more than the ensign had in his colours.
+Poor Robin thinking him too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer
+upon him, and calling him, asked if he wanted any work? "Why," said the
+sergeant, "what makes you ask?" "Pray your pardon," quoth poor Robin, "I
+was mistaken in you, I took you for a shoemaker, because you had gotten
+your blue apron before you."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Poor Robin won Five Shillings by kissing his Hostess._
+
+
+Poor Robin, with some other of his mates, being drinking in an
+ale-house, where was an exceeding tall hostess, one of them offered to
+lay five shillings (because Poor Robin was low) that he should not kiss
+her as he stood on the ground. Poor Robin accepted the challenge, and
+covered the money. But when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not
+reach higher than her apron string. Whereupon dropping a shilling on the
+ground he made her stoop to lift it, then he clasped his arms round her
+neck, gave her a kiss, and so won the wager.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Poor Robin's sayings of Ambitious Men._
+
+
+Poor Robin, being in company with some gentlemen who were talking of the
+ambition of some men now-a-days, that would venture the loss of their
+souls for the possession of a kingdom: "Yea," quoth poor Robin, "but the
+success of many of them is far different from King Saul's, for he
+seeking asses found a kingdom, and they seeking a kingdom find
+themselves to be asses."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _Poor Robin's Journey to London._
+
+
+Poor Robin having never been in London in his life, and being very
+desirous to see the city whose fame rang so loud in every man's mouth,
+he resolved to make a jonrney thither, and spend some time in viewing
+the rarities of the same; but because he was unacquainted with the city
+customs, he got a companion of his to go along with him. No sooner were
+they past Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such a number of signs, he
+whispered with his friend, "Certainly," quoth he, "they must needs be
+all drunkards that live in this place. I never saw so many ale-houses
+together in my life." And thereupon beckoning to his companion, enters
+one of the shops and calls for a jug of beer; but they making him
+acquainted with his error, how they sold no drink, but if he wanted
+anything else they could furnish him with it. He presently without any
+studying asks them to show him a pair of hedging gloves, whereupon
+changing their opinion, instead of a fool they took him for a jeering
+companion; and to fit him for his gloves had him to the pump and soundly
+bedrenched him from head to foot. And having occasion to go through
+Birching Lane, and being asked by the salesmen, "Countrymen, what lack
+you?" "Marry," quoth he, "that which I fear you cannot furnish me
+withal," and being importuned of them to know what it was: "Why," quoth
+he, "that which you have none of I want, honesty." Night approaching,
+poor Robin and his walking mate repaired to their inn, where, after they
+had supped and drunk five or six jugs of beer with the host of the
+house, and some of his men (for inn-keeper's servants drink most of
+their beer at other men's cost), his friend loving no tobacco, and poor
+Robin desiring the heathenish weed to pass away the time, they agreed
+among themselves that every one of the company should either tell a tale
+or sing a song. Poor Robin, who first mentioned the same, beginning in
+this manner.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _A Tale of a Pair of Cards._
+
+
+Not many ages since a parson of a country village was accused to a
+committee that he was a great gamester at cards, being so addicted
+thereunto that he would ofttimes play on Sundays. The committee thus
+informed, sent for the parson to answer this accusation; who receiving
+the warrant made no excuse nor delay, but with all haste made his
+appearance before them; with him also came the informer to justify his
+accusation. Being thus met together, the committee began to reprove the
+parson for being addicted to such a vice, as to be noted for a common
+player at cards. "Indeed," said the parson, "I am so far from it, that I
+know not what a pair of cards meaneth." "Sir," quoth the informer, "if
+you please to search his pockets, I believe you will find a pair there
+at present, for he seldom goeth without such tackling." Whereupon the
+committee commanding his pocket to be searched, they found a pair of
+cards there indeed, but the parson denied them to be cards, saying,
+"They may be cards to you, but to me they are an almanack." And being
+demanded how he could make it appear, he answered thus: "First," quoth
+he, "here is as many suits of cards as there be quarters in a year, and
+as many court cards as there be months in a year, and as many cards as
+there be weeks in a year, and as many spots as there be days in a year.
+Then when I look upon the king it puts me in mind of the allegiance that
+I owe to my sovereign lord the king; looking upon the queen puts me in
+mind of the allegiance that I owe to the queen; the ten puts me in mind
+of the Ten Commandments; the nine, of the nine muses; the eight, of the
+eight altitudes; the seven, of the seven liberal sciences; the six, of
+six days we ought to labour in; the five, of the five senses; the four,
+of the four evangelists; the three, of the Trinity; the two, of the two
+sacraments; and the ace, that we ought to worship but one God." Quoth
+the committee, "If this be all the use you make of them we can find no
+fault with you. But Mr. Parson, of all the cards you have nominated, you
+have forgot the knave; pray, what use make you of him?" "O sir," said he
+(pointing to his accuser), "that is your worship's informer."
+
+"Poor Robin having ended his tale," says his friend, "I suppose that was
+the same parson that used to read his litany every day of the week
+excepting Sunday, and I being constant hearer of him, learnt it as
+perfectly as my pater noster."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIV.
+
+    _Poor Robin's Litany._
+
+    From being turned out of doors,
+    From town-rats, and ale-house scores,
+    From lowsie queans and pocky bores,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From tailors' bills and drapers' books,
+    From sluttish maids and nasty cooks,
+    From froward wives and crabbed looks,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From breaking pipes and broken glasses,
+    From drinking healths and drunken asses,
+    From lying lubbers and lisping lasses,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From paying of lawyers' fees,
+    From mouldy bread and musty cheese,
+    From trotting jades and scorning shes,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From fetters, chains, bolts, and gyves,
+    From pointless needles and broken knives,
+    From thievish servants and drunken wives,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From tailors' bodkins and butchers' pricks,
+    From tenpenny nails and headless spikes,
+    And from attorneys' knavish tricks,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From being taken in disguise,
+    From believing of a poet's lies,
+    And from the devil and the excise,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From brown bread and small beer,
+    From being taken stealing deer,
+    From all that hath been named here,
+        _Quesemus te._
+
+The litany being ended the tapster comes for his reckoning, but poor
+Robin made answer that he should do as the rest had done, either tell a
+tale or sing a song. Says he, "Sing I cannot, but I will tell you how
+they marry in Scotland, as a Scotch priest told me that lay here, and
+got me to engage for him to my master for twenty shillings, and he
+running away, I was forced to pay his score for him."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XV.
+
+    _A Scotch Marriage._
+
+
+We don't use to wad in Scotland as you wad in England. Jockey comes to
+the kirk and takes Sir Donkyn by the rocket, and says, "Good morn, Sir
+Donkyn." "What's the matter, Jockey, what's the matter?" "A wadding, a
+wadding," says he, "don't you see the hoppers and the skippers, and all
+the lads of the gang?" "I'se don't, I'se come to you belyve." Then Sir
+Donkyn gangs to the kirk, "I spee and I spee, wha a deil do you spee;
+Jockey of the high lane, and Jenny of the long cliff; if any know why
+these twa may not be wadded together, let them now speak or hold their
+tongue in the deil's name. Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy wadded
+wife? I say, Jockey, say after me, Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy
+wadded wife, forsaking all loons, lubberloons, swing-bellied calves,
+black lips, and blue noses? Ay, forsooth. If these twa be not as well
+wadded as e'er I wadded twa these seven years, the deil and St. Andrew
+part them."
+
+The wedding being ended, all the company went to bed, where we will
+leave them till the next morning, to relate poor Robin's perambulation
+about the city.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XVI.
+
+    _Poor Robin's perambulation about the City._
+
+
+No sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the eastern horizon, but poor
+Robin, shaking off melancholy sleep, roused his companion to prepare
+himself for their intended perambulation; and having armed themselves
+with a pot of nappy ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal
+Exchange, a most magnificent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham.
+From thence they went to take a view of Leadenhall, but the exceeding
+bravery of the Exchange had so dimmed the beauty of the place, that it
+was nothing pleasing to poor Robin's eye. He made no tarrying there, but
+went presently down to the Tower, where having seen the lions, and from
+the wharf taken a superficial view of the bridge, as also the ships upon
+the river Thames, he became weary of beholding so many surprising
+objects. He had, however, far more content in seeing the ships, so
+admirably pleasing to his fancy it was to see how these little pretty
+things hopped about. But lest he should take a surfeit with such
+ravishing delights, his friend persuaded him to go to see the ancient
+cathedral of St. Paul's, being at present made a horse-guard by the
+soldiers, which poor Robin beholding, "What a blessed reformation,"
+quoth he, "have we here! For in our country we can scarce persuade men
+to go to church, but here come men and horses too." Having satisfied
+himself with the sight of St. Paul's, they would in the next place go
+to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at term time, where,
+beholding so great a number of lawyers in their gowns, he cried out,
+"Oh, let us begone from this place, for if two or three make such a
+quarrel in our town, certainly there is no abiding here for men in their
+wit." A country gentleman overhearing him, "I remember," quoth he, "once
+I heard a story of a man that went down to hell, wherein he beheld men
+of all professions, ages, and conditions, saving only lawyers, which
+made him the more to wonder, because he imagined them all there, and
+asking the devil the reason, he made this reply, 'We have them here
+though you see them not, but we are forced to keep them in a room by
+themselves lest they should set all the devils in hell at variance.'"
+Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale, and having now satisfied
+his inn, and having discharged all reckonings, his friend and he
+returned home.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XVII.
+
+    _Many odd Whimsies and Conceits of Poor Robin._
+
+
+Poor Robin daily frequenting the tavern and ale-house had learned of his
+companions many drunken whimsies and other odd conceits, as the five
+properties that belong to an host, that he must have the head of a stag,
+the bag of a nag, the belly of a hog, skip up and down like a frog, and
+fawn like a dog. As also the four ingredients whereof a woman's tongue
+is made, viz.: The sound of a great bell, the wagging of a dog's tail,
+the shaking of an aspen leaf tempered with running water.
+
+When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it oftentimes
+happened, he would then be playing the poet, and nothing but rhymes
+could then come out of his mouth; for as one writes:
+
+    Poet and pot doth differ but one letter,
+    And that makes poets love the pot the better.
+
+Amongst other of his conceits, this following comparison was much used
+by him:--
+
+    Like a purse that hath no chink in't,
+    Or a cellar and no drink in't,
+    Like a jewel never worn,
+    Or a child untimely born,
+    Like a song without a foot,
+    Or a bond and no hand to't,
+    Such doth she seem unto mine eyes,
+    That lives a virgin till she dies.
+
+    The money doth entice the purse,
+    The drink in the cellar quencheth thirst,
+    The jewel decks, if worn it is,
+    The child soon dies, abortive is;
+    The end o' the song doth sweetest sound,
+    The hand doth make the party bound.
+    So she that marries e'er death takes her,
+    Answers that for which Nature makes her.
+
+"Women," said he, "are all extremes, either too willing, or too wilful;
+too forward or too froward; too courteous or too coy; too friendly or
+too fiendly." This made Arminius, a ruler in Carthage, refuse to marry,
+saying, "If I marry a wife, she will be wilful; if wealthy, then wanton;
+if poor, then peevish; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then
+loathsome; and the least of these is able to plague a thousand men."
+
+
+    THE END.
+
+    PRINTED BY ROBERT MACLEHOSK, GLASGOW.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+Punctuation has been normalized.
+Hyphenation has been made consistent.
+Bonaparte is spelled three ways, two are in dialect, left as is.
+Page 18, changed "yoeman" to "yeoman" (The yeoman replied:)
+Page 19, changed "tiil" to "til" (merry til my wife)
+Page 149, changed "the mall" to "them all" (tell them all;)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
+
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+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of AMUSING PROSE CHAP-BOOKS, by ROBERT HAYS CUNNINGHAM.
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Amusing Prose Chap Books
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: R. H. Cunningham
+
+Release Date: June 25, 2011 [EBook #36517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMUSING PROSE CHAP BOOKS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Feòrag NicBhrìde, Ron Stephens, David Garcia
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/American
+Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+<h1>AMUSING</h1>
+
+<h1>PROSE CHAP-BOOKS</h1>
+
+<h4><i>Chiefly of Last Century</i></h4>
+
+<h5><span class="smcap">Edited by</span></h5>
+<h3>ROBERT HAYS CUNNINGHAM</h3>
+
+<h4>LONDON: HAMILTON, ADAMS, &amp; CO<br />
+GLASGOW: THOMAS D. MORISON<br />
+1889</h4>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="break"></p>
+<h2>EDITORIAL NOTE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Of late years there has been a largely increasing interest on
+the subject of folklore in its various departments. In such
+respects there has been a very considerable change in the
+feelings and tastes of the educated middle-class population
+of this country, from what there was several generations ago.
+Formerly the educated classes appeared to think that anything
+relating to the tastes or ideas of the common people was
+of very little interest. And in the course of some two
+hundred years back, leaving out the present time, the number
+of writers who thought it worth their while to deal with
+such topics were not much more than a dozen in number,
+including such men as Aubrey, Bourne, Brand, Hone,
+Strut, Halliwell, etc. Now, all that is changed, and it has
+been discovered that much of extreme interest can be
+learned from the superstitions, habits, beliefs, tastes, customs,
+ideas, amusements, and general social life of the uneducated
+or lower classes of previous times.</p>
+
+<p>Not the least interesting or least important of the
+many sources from which information on these and similar
+matters, can be obtained, is that of the <i>people's</i> earliest
+popular literature&mdash;namely, the chap-book. Beginning at
+little after the commencement of the eighteenth century,
+and continuing for over a hundred years afterwards, right
+up to the general introduction and use of cheap magazines
+and cheap newspapers, the chap-book was almost the only
+kind of reading within the reach of the poorer portion of
+the nation.</p>
+
+<p>What adds greatly both to the interest attaching to the
+chap-book literature and to its importance, is the fact, that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span>these literary productions, if they may be so termed, were
+almost entirely written by the people themselves; that is,
+they were written by the people for the people. This fact
+intensifies the conviction that they give a true and unvarnished
+description of the lower orders and their ways. Then,
+as now, every district had its proportion of local geniuses,
+who had a gift above their fellows in the matter of storytelling,
+or some other such way. And in many instances
+these narratives became chap-books, and were printed and
+reprinted times without number at the various printing
+establishments over the country devoted to business of
+that description.</p>
+
+<p>With regard to this feature in chap-book literature
+already referred to&mdash;namely, that it was composed by the
+people for the people, and thus gives a true portraiture of
+many features in their social life&mdash;still more may be said.
+It being the case that not a few of those who hawked these
+cheap volumes over the country were themselves the
+authors of some of them, and in the composition of the
+chaps, to a considerable extent, just reproduced circumstances,
+incidents, and narratives that they had met with in
+their wanderings over the country.</p>
+
+<p>To a very marked degree was this the case in the most
+prominent of all the Scottish chap-book writers&mdash;namely,
+Dougal Graham. See his works, two volumes octavo, collected
+and edited by George MacGregor in 1883. It would
+appear that at an early period of Graham's peregrinations
+he accompanied Prince Charlie's army in 1745-46 throughout
+its various fortunes, pursuing his trade as a hawker of
+sundry articles that might be in demand by the prince's
+retainers. After that event was over, Graham continued the
+calling of hawker and chapman, at the same time becoming
+the author of a number of chap-books. But after a while he
+got a step or two further on; for, finding such an immense
+demand for his extremely amusing, though coarse, volumes,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span>he ultimately set up a printing press of his own, for the
+purpose of producing his chaps and supplying the chapmen
+with them, by whom they were spread broadcast over the
+country. The knowledge of such instances as this lends
+much additional value to the chap-book, as containing a forcible
+description of the social life and ideas of the masses in
+former times.</p>
+
+<p>A slight study of this department of literature will show
+that there was, then as now, much variety in the tastes of
+the people. And we also find that in this respect the
+various tastes could be fairly well met from among the
+stores of the chap-book publisher. In these days, just as at
+the present time, there had been any amount of enterprise
+on the part of authors and publishers in furnishing readers
+with whatever their fancy might desire. The <i>Litteratura
+Vulgi</i> may be fairly well divided into the following or
+similar classifications:&mdash;Historical, biographical, religious,
+romantic, poetical, humorous, fabulous, supernatural, diabolical,
+legendary, superstitious, criminal, jest-books, etc.</p>
+
+<p>The strictly religious appear to be the fewest in number.
+The supernatural and the superstitious elements appear to
+have been more in demand, as the supply of such classes
+seems to have been greater,&mdash;in these days the marvellous
+had evidently very great charms. The romantic likewise
+had been in great request,&mdash;the old romances handed down
+from the days long before printing was invented continued up
+till last century to be of undiminished interest. Also, from
+the number of poetical chaps that have come down to us, it
+is evident that the demand for them had been great all over
+the country. The most popular of all, however, appears to
+have been the humorous section, which again might be subdivided
+into a variety of departments, each with numerous
+representatives. The love of fun and frolic was apparently
+as deeply implanted in the feelings and tastes of previous
+generations as of the present.</p>
+
+<p>Printing establishments devoted to the production of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+chap-books were pretty well scattered all over the country.
+In England the principal places appear to have been London,
+York, Birmingham, and Newcastle. In Scotland, the towns
+of Glasgow, Stirling, Falkirk, and Montrose appear to have
+carried off the palm in that respect. In Ireland there had
+been few places besides Dublin and Belfast.</p>
+
+<p>The immense volume of business done in the production
+of the chap-book, and its importance as an article of trade
+all over the country, has been a matter of surprise; and the
+more one investigates into the facts of the case, the more is
+one impressed with the magnitude of the institution. It
+appears to have given employment to many thousands of
+chapmen and printers' employees. As an instance of the
+profits derivable from the business as an article of trade, one
+publisher of chap-books, and that not in an especially large
+way, is known to have retired with accumulated profits
+amounting to £30,000, which in these days would represent
+a much larger sum than it does now.</p>
+
+<p>Notwithstanding the immense quantities of chap-books
+circulated broadcast over the country, comparatively early
+copies are now extremely rare. And the desire on the part of
+the public for their possession is now so great that about sixty
+times their original price is readily given&mdash;that is, what
+originally was sold for one penny, now frequently fetches five
+shillings, and sometimes more.</p>
+
+<p>In the present collection, which is chiefly of last century,
+the reader will find considerable variety, containing as it
+does interesting specimens of several classes or divisions of
+the popular literature, mostly, however, of an amusing and
+humorous nature; and from the perusal of the majority of
+the chaps herein contained, a good deal of entertainment
+may be derived.</p>
+
+<p>As a companion volume, it is the Editor's intention to
+issue shortly a collection of <span class="smcap;lg">Amusing Poetical Chap-Books.</span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="break"></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="xl">CONTENTS.</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr style="width: 15%;"/><span class="smc">The Comical History of the</span></td><td align="left"><span class="smc">PAGE</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">KING AND THE COBBLER</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing the Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+played by the Cobbler, how he got acquainted with the King,
+became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Merry Tales of the</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">WISE MEN OF GOTHAM,</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">THOMAS HICKATHRIFT,</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">JACK THE GIANT-KILLER</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing his Birth and Parentage; His Meeting with the
+King's Son; His Noble Conquests over many Monstrous
+Giants; and his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he afterwards
+married,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_53">53</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" />SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="sm">AND HIS</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Which began the very next Morning after their Marriage,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_69">69</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Adventures of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Who was for more than forty years King of the Beggars,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_78">78</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Comical Sayings of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">PADDY FROM CORK</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">With his Coat Buttoned behind, being an Elegant Conference
+between English Tom and Irish Teague; with Paddy's
+Catechism, and his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_95">95</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">DICK WHITTINGTON</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center">AND HIS CAT,</td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_117">117</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Mad Pranks of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">TOM TRAM,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Son in Law to Mother Winter; to which are added his Merry
+Jests and Pleasant Tales,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_127">127</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">A York Dialogue Between</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">NED AND HARRY:</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td ><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Or Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship and Marriage
+State,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_141">141</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" />DANIEL O'ROURKE'S WONDERFUL</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">VOYAGE TO THE MOON.</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_150">150</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="lg">MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="sm">NEWLY BROKE OPEN;</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing Rare Secrets of Nature and Art, tried and experienced
+by Learned Philosophers, and recommended to all ingenious
+young men and maids, teaching them, in a natural way, how
+to get good wives and husbands. Approved by several that
+have made trial of them; it being the product of forty-nine
+years' study. By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King,
+a lover of Mirth but a hater of Treason. In Two Parts,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Comical History of the</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">COURTIER AND TINKER,</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_178">178</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of the</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">FOUR KINGS</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Of Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland, their
+Queens and Daughters; being the Merry Tales of Tom
+Hodge and his School-Fellows,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_187">187</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" />THE PENNY</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">BUDGET OF WIT</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center">AND PACKAGE OF DROLLERY,</td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_200">200</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smcap">The Merry Conceits of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">TOM LONG THE CARRIER,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which he observed
+in his Travels. Full of Honest Mirth and Delight,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_219">219</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Story of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">BLUE BEARD</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Or the Effects of Female Curiosity,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_230">230</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smcap">The Life of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">MANSIE WAUCH</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Tailor in Dalkeith,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_236">236</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Life and Astonishing Adventures of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">Peter Williamson</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Who was carried off when a Child from Aberdeen and sold for a
+Slave,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_254">254</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Famous Exploits of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">ROBIN HOOD,</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center">LITTLE JOHN, AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL,</td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Including an Account of his Birth, Education, and Death,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_269">269</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">History of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">DR. FAUSTUS</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Showing his wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+what he pleased, also many strange things done by him with
+the assistance of</span></p></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center">MEPHISTOPHELES,</td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_286">286</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Whole Life and Death of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">LONG MEG</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Of Westminster,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_299">299</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Famous History of the Learned</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">FRIAR BACON</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Giving a Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage, with the
+many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime, to the
+amazement of all the World,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_309">309</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">THE BLIND BEGGAR</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center">OF BETHNAL GREEN,</td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing his Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars
+and Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her being
+Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind Beggar
+dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the Knight and the
+Beggar's Daughter being Married; and, lastly, how the
+famous Pedigree of the Beggar was discovered, and other
+Things worthy of Note,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_324">324</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Pleasant History of</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">POOR ROBIN</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center">THE MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN</td></tr>
+<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Showing the Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+and how he Tricked a Rich Miser, etc. Very diverting for
+a Winter Evening Fireside,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_337">337</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p>
+<hr class="double" />
+<p class="break"></p>
+
+
+<h1><span class="smcap">Amusing</span></h1>
+<h1><span class="smcap">Prose Chap-Books.</span></h1>
+<hr class="double" />
+<div class="center">THE</div>
+<h2>COMICAL HISTORY</h2>
+<h5>OF THE</h5>
+<h1>KING AND THE COBBLER</h1>
+<h5>CONTAINING</h5>
+
+<div class="center">The Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+played by the Cobbler</div>
+
+<div class="center">How he got acquainted with the King,
+became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after.</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How King Henry VIII. used to visit the watches in the city
+and how he became acquainted with a
+merry, jovial cobbler.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>It was the custom of King Henry the Eighth to walk late in
+the night into the city disguised, to observe and take notice
+how the constables and watch performed their duty, not only
+in guarding the city gates, but also in diligently watching
+the inner parts of the city, that so they might, in a great<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span>
+measure, prevent those disturbances and casualties which
+too often happen in great and populous cities in the night;
+and this he did oftentimes, without the least discovery who
+he was, returning home to Whitehall early in the morning.</p>
+
+<p>Now, on his return home through the Strand, he took
+notice of a certain cobbler who was constantly up at work
+whistling and singing every morning. The king was resolved
+to see him and be acquainted with him, in order to which he
+immediately knocks the heel off his shoe by hitting it against
+a stone, and having so done, he bounced at the cobbler's
+stall.</p>
+
+<p>"Who's there?" cries the cobbler.</p>
+
+<p>"Here's one," cries the king. With that the cobbler
+opened the stall door, and the king asked him if he could
+put the heel on his shoe.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that I can," says the cobbler; "come in, honest
+fellow, and sit thee down by me and I will do it for thee
+straight," the cobbler scraping his awls and old shoes to one
+side to make room for the king to sit down.</p>
+
+<p>The king being hardly able to forbear laughing at the
+kindness of the cobbler, asked him if there was not a house
+hard by that sold a cup of ale and the people up.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the cobbler, "there is an inn over the way,
+where I believe the folks are up, for the carriers go from
+thence very early in the morning."</p>
+
+<p>With that the king borrowed an old shoe off the cobbler
+and went over to the inn, desired the cobbler would bring
+his shoe to him thither as soon as he had put on the heel
+again. The cobbler promised he would; so making what
+haste he could to put on the heel, he carries it over to the
+king, saying, "Honest blade, here is thy shoe again, and I
+warrant thee it will not come off in such haste again."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," says the king; "what must you have for
+your pains?"</p>
+
+<p>"A couple of pence," replied the cobbler.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the king, "seeing thou art an honest merry
+fellow, there is a tester for thee; come, sit down by me, I
+will drink a full pot with thee; come, here's a good health to
+the king."</p>
+
+<p>"With all my heart," said the cobbler, "I'll pledge thee
+were it in water."</p>
+
+<p>So the cobbler sat down by the king and was very merry,
+and drank off his liquor very freely; he likewise sung some
+of his merry songs and catches, whereat the king laughed
+heartily and was very jocund and pleasant with the cobbler,
+telling him withal that his name was Harry Tudor, that he
+belonged to the court, and that if he would come and see
+him there, he would make him very welcome, because he was
+a merry companion, and charged him not to forget his name,
+and to ask any one for him about the court and they would
+soon bring him to him; "For," said the king, "I am very
+well known there."</p>
+
+<p>Now the cobbler little dreamt that he was the king that
+spake to him, much less that the king's name was Harry
+Tudor. Therefore, with a great deal of confidence, he stands
+up and puts off his hat, makes two or three scrapes with his
+foot and gives the king many thanks, also telling him that
+he was one of the most honest fellows he ever met with in
+all his lifetime, and although he never had been at court, yet
+he should not be long before he would make a holiday to
+come and see him.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon the king paying for what they had drunk,
+would have taken his leave of the cobbler; but he, not being
+willing to part with him, took hold of his hand and said,
+"By my faith you must not go, you shall not go, you shall
+first go and see my poor habitation. I have there a tub of
+good brown ale that was never tapped yet, and you must go
+and taste it, for you are the most honest blade I ever met
+withal, and I love an honest merry companion with all my
+heart."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How the cobbler entertained the king in his cellar, and
+of the disturbance they had like to have had
+by his wife Joan.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>So the cobbler took the king with him over the way, where
+he had his cellar adjoining the stall, which was handsomely
+and neatly furnished for a man of his profession. Into the
+cellar he took the king. "There," said he, "sit down, you are
+welcome; but I must desire you to speak softly, for fear of
+waking my wife Joan, who lies hard by (showing the king
+a close bed made neatly up at one corner of the cellar, much
+like a closet), for if she should wake she will make our ears
+ring again."</p>
+
+<p>At which speech of the cobbler the king laughed and
+told him he would be mindful and follow his directions.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon the cobbler kindled up a fire and fetched out
+a brown loaf, from which he cut a lusty toast, which he sat
+baking at the fire; then he brought out his Cheshire cheese.
+"Now," says he, "there is as much fellowship in eating as in
+drinking."</p>
+
+<p>Which made the king admire the honest freedom of the
+cobbler. So having eaten a bit the cobbler began. "A
+health to all true hearts and merry companions;" at which
+the king smiled, saying, "Friend, I'll pledge thee."</p>
+
+<p>In this manner they ate and drank together till it was
+almost break of day; the cobbler being very free with his
+liquor, and delighting the king with several of his old stories,
+insomuch that he was highly pleased with the manner of his
+entertainment; when, on a sudden, the cobbler's wife Joan
+began to awake. "I'faith," says the cobbler, "you must
+begone, my wife Joan begins to grumble, she'll awake presently,
+and I would not for half the shoes in my shop she
+should find you here."</p>
+
+<p>Then taking the king by the hand, he led him up the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span>
+stairs, saying, "Farewell, honest friend, it shan't be long
+before I make a holiday to come and see thee at court."</p>
+
+<p>"Thou shalt be kindly welcome," replied the king.</p>
+
+<p>So they parted, the king on his way to Whitehall and the
+cobbler to his cellar, and there putting all things to rights
+before his wife Joan got up, he went to work again, whistling
+and singing as merry as he used to be, being much satisfied
+that he happened on so good and jovial a companion, still
+pleasing himself in his thoughts how merry he should be
+when he came to court.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How the cobbler prepared himself to go to court and how
+he was set out in the best manner
+by his wife Joan.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Now as soon as the king came home, he sent out orders
+about the court, that if any one inquired for him by the
+name of Harry Tudor, they should immediately bring him
+before him, whatever he was, without any further examination.</p>
+
+<p>The cobbler thought every day a month till he had been
+at court to see his new acquaintance, and was troubled how
+he should get leave of his wife Joan, for he could not get
+without her knowledge, by reason he did resolve to make
+himself as fine as he could, for his wife always keeped the
+keys of his holiday clothes; whereupon one evening, as they
+sat at supper, finding her in a very good humour, he began
+to lay open his mind to her, telling her the whole story of
+their acquaintance, repeating it over and over again, that he
+was the most honest fellow that ever he met withal. "Husband,"
+quoth she, "because you have been so ingenious as to
+tell me the whole truth, I will give you leave to make a
+holiday, for this once you shall go to court, and I will make
+you as fine as I can."</p>
+
+<p>So it was agreed that he should go to court the next day;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span>
+whereupon Joan rose betime the next morning to brush up
+her husband's holiday clothes and make him as fine as she
+could. She washed and ironed the lace-band, and made his
+shoes shine that he might see his face in them; having done
+this she made her husband rise and pull off his shirt. Then
+she washed him with warm water from head to foot, putting
+on him a clean shirt; afterwards she dressed him in his
+holiday clothes, pinning his laced band in prim.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>The cobbler's reception at court with the manner of his
+behaviour before the king.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The cobbler being thus set forth, he strutted through the
+street like a crow in a gutter, thinking himself as fine as the
+best of them all.</p>
+
+<p>In this manner he came to the court, staring on this body
+and on that body as he walked up and down, and not
+knowing how to ask for Harry Tudor. At last he espied
+one as he thought, in the habit of a servant-man, to whom
+he made his address, saying&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Dost thou hear, honest fellow, do you know one Harry
+Tudor who belongs to the court?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the man, "follow me and I will bring you to
+him."</p>
+
+<p>With that he had him presently up into the guard chamber,
+telling one of the yeomen of the guard there was one
+that inquired for Harry Tudor.</p>
+
+<p>The yeoman replied: "I know him very well; if you
+please to go along with me, I'll bring you to him immediately."</p>
+
+<p>So the cobbler followed the yeoman, admiring very much
+the prodigious finery of the rooms which he carried him
+through. He thought within himself that the yeoman was
+mistaken in the person whom he inquired for; for, said he,
+"He whom I look for is a plain, merry, honest fellow, his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span>
+name is Harry Tudor; we drank two pots together not long
+since. I suppose he may belong to some lord or other about
+the court?"</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you, friend," replied the yeoman, "I know him
+very well, do you but follow me and I shall bring you to
+him instantly."</p>
+
+<p>So going forward, he came into the room where the king
+was accompanied by several of his nobles, who attended him.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as the yeoman had put up by the arras, he spoke
+aloud, "May it please your majesty, here is one that inquires
+for Harry Tudor."</p>
+
+<p>The cobbler hearing this, thought he had committed no
+less than treason, therefore he up with his heels and ran for
+it; but not being acquainted with the several turnings and
+rooms through which he came, he was soon overtaken and
+brought before the king, whom the cobbler little thought to
+be the person he inquired after, therefore in a trembling condition
+he fell down on his knees, saying&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I
+am a poor cobbler, who inquired for one Harry Tudor, who
+is a very honest fellow; I mended the heel of his shoe not
+long since, and for which he paid me nobly and gave me two
+pots to boot; but I had him afterwards to my cellar, where
+we drank part of a cup of nappy ale and we were very
+merry til my wife Joan began to grumble, which put an
+end to our merriment for that time; but I told him I would
+come to the court and see him as soon as conveniently I
+could."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the king, "don't be troubled, would you know
+this honest fellow again if you could see him?"</p>
+
+<p>The cobbler replied, "Yes; that I will among a thousand."</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said the king, "stand up and be not afraid, but
+look well about you, peradventure you may find the fellow
+in this company."</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon the cobbler arose and looked wistfully upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span>
+the king and the rest of the nobles, but it was to little or no
+purpose; for, though he saw something in the king's face
+which he thought he had seen before, yet he could not be
+Harry Tudor, the heel of whose shoe he had mended and
+who had been so merry a companion with him at the inn and
+at his own cellar.</p>
+
+<p>He therefore told the king he did not expect to find Harry
+Tudor among such fine folks as he saw there, but that the
+person he looked for was a plain, honest fellow. Adding
+withal, that he was sure that did Harry Tudor but know he
+was come to court, he would make him very welcome,
+"For," says the cobbler, "when we parted he charged me to
+come to court soon and see him, which I promised I would,
+and accordingly I have made a holiday on purpose to have
+a glass with him."</p>
+
+<p>At which speech of the cobbler's the king had much ado
+to forbear laughing out, but keeping his countenance as
+steady as he could before the cobbler, he spoke to the yeoman
+of the guard.</p>
+
+<p>"Here," said he, "take this honest cobbler down into my
+cellar and let him drink my health, and I will give orders
+that Harry Tudor shall come to him presently."</p>
+
+<p>So away they went, the cobbler being fit to leap out of
+his skin for joy, not only that he had come off so well, but
+that he should see his friend Harry Tudor.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>The cobbler's entertainment in the king's cellar.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The cobbler had not been long in the king's cellar, before
+the king came to him in the same habit that he had on when
+the cobbler mended his shoe; whereupon the cobbler knew
+him immediately and ran and kissed him, saying, "Honest
+Harry, I have made an holiday on purpose to see you, but I
+had much ado to get leave of my wife Joan, who was loath
+to lose so much time from my work; but I was resolved to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span>
+see you and therefore I made myself as fine as I could; but
+I'll tell thee, Harry, when I came to court I was in a peck
+of troubles how to find you out; but at last I met with a
+man who told me he knew you very well and that he would
+bring me to you, but instead of doing so he brought me before
+the king, which almost frightened me out of my seven
+senses; but faith, I'm resolved to be merry with you now,
+since I have met you at last."</p>
+
+<p>"Aye, that we shall," replied the king; "we shall be as
+merry as princes."</p>
+
+<p>Now after the cobbler had drunk about four or five good
+healths, he began to be merry and fell a-singing his old songs
+and catches, which pleased the king very much and made
+him laugh heartily.</p>
+
+<p>When on a sudden several of the nobles came into the
+cellar, extraordinary rich in apparel, and all stood uncovered
+before Harry Tudor, which put the cobbler into great amazement
+at first, but presently recovering himself, he looked
+more wistfully upon Harry Tudor, and soon knowing him to
+be the king, whom he saw in his presence chamber, though
+in another habit, he immediately fell upon his knees
+saying&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I
+am a poor honest cobbler and mean no harm."</p>
+
+<p>"No, no," said the king, "nor shall receive any here, I
+assure you."</p>
+
+<p>He commanded him therefore to rise and be merry as he
+was before, and, though he knew him to be the king, yet he
+should use the same freedom with him as he did before,
+when he mended the heel of his shoe.</p>
+
+<p>This kind speech of the king's and three or four glasses of
+wine made the cobbler be in as good humour as before,
+telling the king several of his old stories and singing some
+of his best songs, very much to the satisfaction of the king
+and all his nobles.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2>THE COBBLER'S SONG IN THE KING'S</h2>
+<h2>CELLAR.</h2>
+
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Come let us drink the other pot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Our sorrows to confound;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">We'll laugh and sing before the king,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">So let his health go round.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">For I am as bold as bold can be<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">No cobbler e'er was ruder;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Then here, good fellow, here's to thee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">(Remembering Harry Tudor.)<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">When I'm at work within my stall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Upon him I will think;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">His kindness I to mind will call,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Whene'er I eat or drink.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">His kindness was to me so great,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">The like was never known,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">His kindness I shall still repeat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">And so shall my wife Joan.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">I'll laugh when I sit in my stall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">And merrily will sing;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That I with my poor last and awl,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Am fellow with the king.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But it is more I must confess,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Than I at first did know;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But Harry Tudor, ne'ertheless,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Resolves it shall be so.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">And now farewell unto Whitehall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">I homeward must retire;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To sing and whistle in my stall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">My Joan will me desire.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">I do but think how she shall laugh,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">When she hears of this thing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That he that drank her nut-brown ale,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Was England's Royal King.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How the cobbler became a courtier.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Now the king considering the pleasant humour of the
+cobbler, how innocently merry he was and free from any
+design; that he was a person that laboured very hard, and
+took a great deal of pains for a small livelihood, was pleased,
+out of his princely grace and favour, to allow him a liberal
+annuity of forty merks a year, for the better support of his
+jolly humour and the maintenance of his wife Joan, and that
+he should be admitted one of his courtiers, and that he might
+have the freedom of his cellar whenever he pleased.</p>
+
+<p>Which being so much beyond expectation, did highly
+exalt the cobbler's humour, much to the satisfaction of the
+king.</p>
+
+<p>So after a great many legs and scrapes, he returned home
+to his wife Joan, with the joyful news of his reception at
+court, which so well pleased her that she did not think
+much at the great pains she took in decking him for the
+journey.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>THE MERRY TALES</h2>
+
+<h4>OF THE</h4>
+
+<h1>WISE MEN OF GOTHAM.</h1>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale I.</span></h3>
+
+<p>There were two men of Gotham, and one of them was going
+to Nottingham market to buy sheep, and both met together
+on Nottingham bridge. "Well met," said one to the other;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span>
+"whither are you going?" said he that came from Nottingham.
+"Marry," said he that was going thither, "I am going
+to the market to buy sheep." "Buy sheep!" said the other,
+"which way will you bring them home?" "Marry," said
+the other, "I will bring them over this bridge." "By Robin
+Hood," said he that came from Nottingham, "but thou shalt
+not." "By my maid Margery," said the other, "but I will."
+"You shall not," said the one. "I will," said the other.
+Then they beat their staves one against the other and then
+against the ground, as if a hundred sheep had been betwixt
+them. "Hold there," said the one. "Beware of my sheep
+leaping over the bridge," said the other. "I care not," said
+the one. "They shall all come this way," said the other.
+"But they shall not," said the one. "Then," said the other,
+"if thou makest much ado, I will put my finger in thy
+mouth." "A groat thou wilt," said the other. And as they
+were in contention, another wise man that belonged to
+Gotham, came from the market with a sack of meal on his
+horse, and seeing his neighbours at strife about sheep and
+none betwixt them, said he, "Ah! fools, will you never learn
+wit? Then help me," continued he, "to lay this sack upon
+my shoulder." They did so and he went to the side of the
+bridge and shook out the meal into the river, saying, "How
+much meal is there in my sack, neighbour?" "Marry," said
+one, "there is none." "Indeed," replied this wise man,
+"even so much wit is there in your two heads, to strive for
+what you have not." Now which was the wisest of these
+three I leave thee to judge.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale II.</span></h3>
+
+<p>There was a man of Gotham that rode to the market with
+two bushels of wheat, and, lest his horse should be damaged
+by carrying too great a burden, he was determined to carry
+the corn himself upon his own neck, and still kept riding
+upon his horse till he arrived at the end of his journey. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span>
+will leave you to judge which was the wisest, his horse or
+himself.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale III.</span></h3>
+
+<p>On a time the men of Gotham fain would have pinned in the
+cuckoo that she might sing all the year, and in the midst of
+the town they had a hedge made round in compass, and got
+a cuckoo and put her into it, and said, "Sing here and thou
+shalt lack neither meat nor drink all the year." The cuckoo,
+when she found herself encompassed by the hedge, flew
+away. "A vengeance on her," said these wise men, "we
+did not make our hedge high enough."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IV.</span></h3>
+
+<p>There was a man of Gotham who went to Nottingham
+market to sell cheese, and going down the hill to Nottingham
+bridge, one of his cheeses fell out of his wallet and ran down
+the hill. "Prithee," said the man, "can you run to the
+market alone? I'll now send one after another." Then
+laying his wallet down and taking out the cheeses, he
+tumbled them down the hill one after another. Some ran
+into one bush and some into another. He charged them,
+however, to meet him at the market place. The man went
+to the market to meet the cheeses and staying till the market
+was almost over, then went and inquired of his neighbours
+if they saw his cheeses come to the market. "Why, who
+should bring them?" says one. "Marry, themselves," said
+the fellow, "they knew the way very well. A vengeance on
+them, they ran so fast I was afraid they would run beyond
+the market; I am sure they are by this time as far as York."
+So he immediately rode to York, but was much disappointed.
+And to add to it he never found nor heard of one of his
+cheeses.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale V.</span></h3>
+
+<p>A man of Gotham bought, at Nottingham market, a trevet
+of bar iron, and going home with it his feet grew weary with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span>
+the carriage. He set it down and seeing it had three feet
+said, "Prithee, thou hast three feet and I but two; thou
+shalt bear me home if thou wilt," so he set himself down upon
+it and said to it, "Bear me as long as I have done thee, for
+if thou dost not thou shalt stand still for me." The man of
+Gotham saw his trevet would not move. "Stand still," said
+he, "in the mayor's name and follow me if thou wilt and I
+can show you the right way." When he went home his wife
+asked where the trevet was. He said it had three legs and
+he had but two and he had taught him the ready way to
+his house, therefore he might come himself if he would.
+"Where did you leave the trevet?" said the woman. "At
+Gotham bridge," said he. So she immediately ran and
+fetched the trevet herself, otherwise she must have lost it on
+account of her husband's want of wit.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VI.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A certain smith of Gotham had a large wasp's nest in the
+straw at the end of the forge, and there coming one of his
+neighbours to have his horse shod, and the wasps being exceeding
+busy the man was stung by one of them. The man,
+being grievously affronted, said, "Are you worthy to keep
+a forge or not, to have men stung with these wasps?" "O
+neighbour," said the smith, "be content, and I will put them
+from their nest presently." Immediately he took a coulter
+and heated it red hot, and thrust it into the straw at the end
+of his forge, and set it on fire and burnt it up. Then, said
+the smith, "I told thee I'd fire them out of their nest."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VII.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>On Good Friday the men of Gotham consulted together what
+to do with their white herrings, sprats, and salt fish, and
+agreed that all such fish should be cast into a pond or pool
+in the midst of the town, that the number of them might increase
+the next year. Therefore everyone that had any fish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span>
+left did cast them immediately into the pond. "Then," said
+one, "I have gotten left so many red herrings." "Well,"
+said another, "and I have left so many whitings." Another
+cried out, "I have as yet gotten so many sprats left."
+"And," said the last, "I have gotten so many salt fishes,
+let them go together in the great pond, without any distinction,
+and we may be sure to fare like lords the next year."
+At the beginning of the next Lent, they immediately went
+about drawing the pond, imagining they should have the
+fish, but were much surprised to find nothing but a great
+eel. "Ah!" said they, "a mischief on this eel, for he hath
+eaten up our fish." "What must we do with him?" said
+one. "Chop him in pieces," said another. "Nay, not so,"
+said another; "but let us drown him." "Be it accordingly
+so," replied they all. So they went immediately to another
+pond and cast the eel into the water. "Lay there," said
+these wise men, "and shift for thyself, since you may not
+expect help from us." So they left the eel to be drowned.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VIII.</span></h3>
+
+<p>On a time the men of Gotham had forgotten to pay their
+rents to their landlord; so one said to the other, "To-morrow
+must be pay-day, by whom can we send our money?" So
+one said, "I have this day taken a hare and she may carry
+it, for she is very quick-footed." "Be it so," replied the rest;
+"she shall have a letter and a purse to put our money in,
+and we can direct her the way." When the letter was
+written and the money put into a purse, they tied them
+about the hare's neck, saying, "You must first go to Loughborough
+and then to Leicester, and at Newark is our landlord;
+then commend us to him and there is his due." The
+hare, as soon as she got out of their hands, ran quite a contrary
+way. Some said, "Thou must first go to Loughborough."
+Others said, "Let the hare alone, for she can
+tell a nearer way than the best of us, let her go."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IX.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A man of Gotham, that went mowing in the meadow, found
+a large grasshopper. He instantly threw down his scythe
+and ran home to his neighbour and said that the devil was
+at work in the field, and was hopping among the grass.
+Then was every man ready with their clubs, staves, halberts,
+and other weapons to kill the grasshopper. When they came
+to the place where the grasshopper was, said one to the other,
+"Let every man cross himself from the devil, for we will not
+meddle with him." So they returned again and said, "We
+are blest this day that we went no farther." "O, ye
+cowards!" said he that left the scythe in the meadow,
+"help me to fetch my scythe." "No," answered they,
+"it is good to sleep in a whole skin. It is much better
+for thee to lose thy scythe than to mar us all."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale X.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>On a certain time there were twelve men of Gotham that
+went to fish; some waded in the water and some stood on
+dry land. In going home, one said to the other, "We
+have ventured wonderfully in wading, I pray God that
+none of us did come from home to be drowned." "Nay,
+marry," said one to the other, "let us see that, for
+there did twelve of us come out." Then they told themselves
+and every one told eleven. Said the one to the other,
+"There is one of us drowned." Then they went back to the
+brook where they'd been fishing, and sought up and down
+for him that was drowned, making a great lamentation.
+A courtier coming by asked what it was they sought for
+and why they were sorrowful. "Oh," said they, "this day
+we went to fish in the brook; twelve of us came out together
+and one is drowned." The courtier said, "Tell how
+many there be of you." One of them told eleven, but he did
+not tell himself. "Well," said the courtier, "what will you
+give me and I will find the twelfth man?" "All the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span>
+money we have got," said they. "Give me the money,"
+said he. He began with the first and gave him a stroke
+over the shoulders with his whip, that made him groan,
+saying, "Here is one," and so he served them all, and they
+groaned at the matter. When he came to the last, he paid
+him well, saying, "Here is the twelfth man." "God's
+blessings on thee," said they, "for finding our brother."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XI.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A man of Gotham, riding along the highway, saw a cheese,
+so drew his sword and pricked it with the point in order to
+pick it up. Another man who came by alighted, picked
+it up and rode away with it. The man of Gotham rides to
+Nottingham to buy a long sword to pick up the cheese, and
+returning to the place where it did lie, he pulled out his
+sword, pricked the ground and said, "If I had had but this
+sword I should have had the cheese myself, but now another
+has come before me and got it."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XII.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A man in Gotham that did not love his wife, and she having
+fair hair he said divers times he would cut it off, but durst
+not do it when she was awake, so he resolved to do it when
+she was asleep; therefore, one night he took a pair of shears
+and put them under his pillow, which his wife perceiving,
+said to her maid, "Go to bed to my husband to-night, for
+he intends to cut off my hair; let him cut off thy hair and
+I will give thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst see."
+The maid did so and feigned herself asleep, which the man
+perceiving, cut off her hair, wrapped it about the shears,
+and laying them under the pillow, fell asleep. The maid
+arose and the wife took the hair and shears and went to the
+hall and burnt the hair. The man had a fine horse that he
+loved, and the good wife went into the stable, cut off the hair
+of the horse's tail, wrapped the shears up in it and laid them<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span>
+under the pillow again. Her husband, seeing her combing
+her head in the morning, marvelled thereat. The girl,
+seeing her master in a deep study, said, "What ails the
+horse in the stable, he has lost his tail?" The man ran into
+the stable and found the horse's tail was cut off; then going
+to the bed, he found the shears wrapped up in his horse's
+tail. He then went to his wife, saying, "I crave thy mercy,
+for I intended to cut off thy hair, but I have cut off my own
+horse's tail." "Yea," said she, "self do self have." Many
+men think to do a bad turn, but it turneth oftimes to themselves.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XIII.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A man of Gotham laid his wife a wager that she could not
+make him a cuckold. "No," said she, "but I can." "Do
+not spare me," said he, "but do what you can." On a time
+she had hid all the spigots and faucets, and going into the
+buttery, set a barrel of broach, and cried to her spouse,
+"Pray, bring me a spigot and faucet or else the ale will all
+run out." He sought up and down but could not find one.
+"Come here then," said she, "and put thy finger in the tap-hole."
+Then she called a tailor with whom she made a
+bargain. Soon after she came to her husband and brought
+a spigot and a faucet, saying, "Pull thy finger out of the tap-hole,
+good cuckold. Beshrew your heart for your trouble,"
+said she, "make no such bargain with me again."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XIV.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A man of Gotham took a young buzzard and invited four or
+five gentlemen's servants to the eating of it; but the wife
+killed an old goose, and she and two of her gossips ate up
+the buzzard, and the old goose was laid to the fire for the
+gentlemen's servants. So when they came the goose was
+set before them. "What is this?" said one of them. The
+goodman said, "A curious buzzard." "A buzzard! why it
+is an old goose, and thou art an knave to mock us," and so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span>
+departed in great anger. The fellow was sorry that he
+had affronted them, and took a bag and put the buzzard's
+feathers in it; but his wife desired him, before he went, to
+fetch a block of wood, and in the interim she pulled out the
+buzzard's feathers and put in the goose's. The man, taking
+the bag, went to the gentlemen's servants and said, "Pray,
+be not angry with me, you shall see I had a buzzard, for
+here be the feathers." Then, he opened the bag and took
+out the goose's feathers; upon which one of them took a
+cudgel and gave him a dozen of stripes, saying, "Why, you
+knave, could you not be content to mock us at home, but
+you are come here to mock us also."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XV.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A man's wife of Gotham was brought to bed of a male child,
+and the father invited the gossips who were children of eight
+or ten years of age. The eldest child's name was Gilbert, the
+second's name was Humphrey, and the godmother was called
+Christabel. Their relations admonished them divers times,
+that they must all say after the parson. And when they
+were come to the church, the priest said, "Be you all agreed
+of the name?" "Gilbert, Humphrey, and Christabel," said
+the same. The priest then said, "Wherefore came you
+hither?" They immediately said the same. The priest
+being amazed could not tell what to say, but whistled and
+said, "Whey," and so did they. The priest being angry,
+said, "Go home, you fools, go home." Then Gilbert, Humphrey,
+and Christabel did the same. The priest then provided
+godfathers and godmothers himself.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XVI.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A young man of Gotham went a wooing a fair maid: his
+mother warned him beforehand, saying, "Whenever you look
+at her, cast a sheep's eye at her, and say, 'How dost thou,
+my sweet pigmy?'" The fellow went to a butcher and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span>
+bought seven or eight sheep eyes. And when this lusty
+wooer was at dinner, he would look upon the fair wench
+and cast in her face a sheep's eye, saying, "How dost thou
+do, my sweet pigmy?" "How do I do," said the wench;
+"swine's face, what do you mean by casting a sheep's eye
+at me?" "O! sweet pigmy, have at thee with another."
+"I defy thee, swine's face," said the wench. "What my
+sweet old pigmy, be content, for if you live to next year
+you will be a foul sow." "Walk, knave, walk," said she,
+"for if you live till next year you will be a fool."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XVII.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and
+when the day of marriage was come they went to the church.
+The priest said, "Do you say after me." The man said "Do
+you say after me." The priest said, "Say not after me such
+like, but say what I shall tell you; thou dost play the fool
+to mock the holy scriptures concerning matrimony." The
+fellow said, "Thou dost play the fool to mock the holy
+scriptures concerning matrimony." The priest wist not
+what to say, but answered, "What shall I do with this
+fool?" and the man said, "What shall I do with this fool?"
+So the priest took his leave and would not marry them.
+The man was instructed by others how to do, and was afterwards
+married. And thus the breed of the Gothamites has
+been perpetuated even unto this day.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XVIII.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>There was a Scotsman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took
+a house a little distance from London and turned it into an
+inn, and for his sign he would have a boar's head. Accordingly
+he went to a carver and said, "Can you make me a
+bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "Then," said he,
+"make me a bare head, and thou'se hae twenty shillings for
+thy hire." "I will do it," said the carver. On St. Andrew's
+day before Christmas (called Yule in Scotland) the Scot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span>
+came to London for his boar's head. "I say, speak," said
+the Scotsman, "hast thou made me a bare head?" "Yes,"
+said the carver. He went and brought a man's head of wood
+that was bare, and said, "Sir, there is your bare head."
+"Ay," said the Scot, "the meikle de'il! is this a bare head?"
+"Yes," said the carver. "I say," said the Scotsman, "I will
+have a bare head like the head that follows a sow with gryces.
+What, fool, know you not a sow that will greet and
+groan and cry a-week, a-week." "What," said the carver,
+"do you mean a pig?" "Yes," said the Scotsman, "let me
+have her head made of timber, and set on her a scalp and let
+her sing, 'Whip whire.'" The carver said he could not.
+"You fool," said he, "gar her as she'd sing whip whire."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XIX.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham were
+got into an ale-house, and said they were all profitable to
+their husbands. "Which way, good gossips?" said the ale-wife.
+The first said, "I will tell you all, good gossips, I
+cannot brew nor bake, therefore I am every day alike, and
+go to the ale-house because I cannot go to church; and in
+the ale-house I pray to God to speed my husband, and I
+am sure my prayers will do him more good than my labour."
+Then said the second, "I am profitable to my husband in
+saving of candle in winter, for I cause my husband and all
+my people to go to bed by daylight and rise by daylight."
+The third said, "I am profitable in sparing bread, for I drink
+a gallon of ale, and I care not much for meat." The fourth
+said, "I am loath to spend meat and drink at home, so I go
+to the tavern at Nottingham and drink wine and such other
+things as God sends me there." The fifth said, "A man will
+ever have more company in another's house than his own,
+and most commonly in the ale-house." The sixth said,
+"My husband has flax and wool to spare if I go to other
+folk's houses to do their work." The seventh said, "I spare<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span>
+my husband's wood and clothes, and sit all day talking at
+other folks' fires." The eighth said, "Beef, mutton, and
+pork are dear, I therefore take pigs, chickens, conies, and
+capons, being of a lesser price." The ninth said, "I spare
+my husband's soap, for instead of washing once a week, I
+wash but once a quarter." Then said the ale-wife, "I keep
+all my husband's ale from souring; for as I was wont to
+drink it almost up, now I never leave a drop."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XX.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>On Ash Wednesday, the minister of Gotham would have a
+collection from his parishioners, and said unto them. "My
+friends, the time is come that you must use prayer, fasting,
+and alms, but come ye to shrift, I will tell you more of
+my mind, but as for prayer I don't think that two men
+in the parish can say their paternoster. As for fasting, ye
+fast still, for ye have not a good meal's meat in the year.
+As for alm-deeds, what should they give that have nothing?
+In Lent you must refrain from drunkenness and abstain
+from drink." "No, not so," said one fellow, "for it is an
+old proverb, 'That fish should swim.'" "Yes," said the
+priest, "they must swim in the water." "I crave thy mercy,"
+quoth the fellow, "I thought it should have swam in fine
+ale, for I have been told so." Soon after the men of Gotham
+came to shrift, and being seven the priest knew not what
+penance to give. He said, "If I enjoin you to pray, you
+cannot say your paternoster. And it is but folly to make
+you fast, because you never eat a meal's meat. Labour hard
+and get a dinner on Sunday, and I will partake of it." Another
+man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and another
+on Tuesday, and another on Wednesday, and so on one after
+another, that one or other should fare well once in the week,
+that he might have part of their meat, on every day during
+the week. "And as for your alm-deeds," the priest said,
+"ye be but beggars all, except one or two, therefore bestow
+your alms on yourselves."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>THE HISTORY</h2>
+
+<h4>OF</h4>
+
+<h1>THOMAS HICKATHRIFT</h1>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2>PART THE FIRST.</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom's Birth and Parentage.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>In the reign of William the Conqueror, having read in
+ancient records, there lived in the Isle of Ely, in Cambridgeshire,
+a man named Thomas Hickathrift, a poor labourer,
+yet he was an honest, stout man, and able to do as much
+work in a day as two ordinary men. Having only one son,
+he called him after his own name, Thomas. The old man
+put his son to school, but he would not learn anything.</p>
+
+<p>It pleased God to call the old man aside, and his mother
+being tender of her son, she maintained him by her own
+labour as well as she could; but all his delight was in the
+corner; and he ate as much at once as would serve five
+ordinary men.</p>
+
+<p>At ten years old he was near six feet high, and three in
+thickness; his hand was much like to a shoulder of mutton,
+and every other part proportionable; but his great strength
+was yet unknown.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Thomas Hickathrift's Great Strength
+Came to be Known.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Tom's mother, being a poor widow, went to a rich farmer's
+house to beg a bundle of straw to shift herself and her son
+Thomas. The farmer, being an honest charitable man, bid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span>
+her take what she wanted. She going home to her son
+Thomas, said, "Pray go to such a place, and fetch me a bundle
+of straw; I have asked leave." He swore he would not go.
+"Nay, prithee go," said the good old mother. He again swore
+he would not go, unless she would borrow him a cart rope.
+She being willing to please him, went and borrowed one.</p>
+
+<p>Then taking up the cart rope, away he went, and coming
+to the farmer's house, the master was in the barn, and two
+other men threshing.</p>
+
+<p>Said Tom, "I am come for a bundle of straw." "Tom," said
+the farmer, "take as much as thou can'st carry." So he laid
+down his cart rope, and began to make up his bundle.</p>
+
+<p>"Your rope, Tom," said they, "is too short," and jeered
+him. But he fitted the farmer well for his joke; for when
+he had made up his burden, it was supposed to be near a
+thousand weight. "But," said they, "what a fool thou art;
+for thou can'st not carry the tithe of it." But, however, he
+took up his burden, and made no more of it than we do of
+an hundred pounds weight, to the great astonishment of
+both master and men.</p>
+
+<p>Now Tom's strength beginning to be known in the town,
+they would not let him lie basking in the chimney corner,
+every one hiring him to work, seeing he had so much
+strength, all telling him it was a shame for him to lie idle
+as he did from day to day; so that Tom finding them bait
+at him as they did, went first to one to work and then to
+another.</p>
+
+<p>One day a man came to him, desiring him to bring a tree
+home. So Tom went with him and four other men.</p>
+
+<p>Now when they came to the wood they set the cart by
+the tree, and began to draw it by pulleys; but Tom seeing
+them not able to stir it, said, "Stand aside, fools," and so set
+on the one end, and then put it into the cart. "There,"
+said he, "see what a man can do!" "Marry," said they,
+"that is true indeed."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Having done, and coming through the wood, they met the
+woodman; and Tom asked him for a stick to make his
+mother a fire with.</p>
+
+<p>"Aye," says the woodman, "take one."</p>
+
+<p>So Tom took up a bigger than that on the cart, and
+putting it on his shoulder, walked home with it faster than
+the six horses in the cart drew the other.</p>
+
+<p>Now this was the second instance of Tom showing his
+strength; by which time he began to think that he had
+more natural strength than twenty common men, and from
+that time Tom began to grow very tractable; he would
+jump, run, and take delight in young company, and would
+ride to fairs and meetings, to see sports and diversions.</p>
+
+<p>One day going to a wake where the young men were met,
+some went to wrestling, and some to cudgels, some to
+throwing the hammer, and the like.</p>
+
+<p>Tom stood awhile to see the sport, and at last he joined
+the company in throwing the hammer: at length he took
+the hammer in his hand, and felt the weight of it, bidding
+them stand out of the way, for he would try how far he could
+throw it.</p>
+
+<p>"Ay," says the old smith, "you will throw it a great way,
+I warrant you."</p>
+
+<p>Tom took the hammer, and giving it a swing, threw it
+into a river four or five furlongs distant, and bid them go
+and fetch it out.</p>
+
+<p>After this Tom joined the wrestlers, and though he had no
+more skill than an ass, yet by main strength he flung all he
+grasped with; if once he but laid hold they were gone;
+some he threw over his head, and others he laid gently down.</p>
+
+<p>He did not attempt to look or strike at their heels, but
+threw them two or three yards from him, and sometimes on
+their heads, ready to break their necks. So that at last none
+durst enter the ring to wrestle with him, for they took
+him to be some devil among them.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Thus was the fame of Tom's great strength spread more
+and more about the country.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom became a Brewer's Servant; how he killed a
+Giant, and came to be called Mr. Hickathrift.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Tom's fame being spread, no one durst give him an angry
+word; for being foolhardy, he cared not what he did, so
+that those who knew him would not displease him. At last
+a brewer of Lynn, who wanted a lusty man to carry beer to
+the Marsh and to Wisbeach, hearing of Tom, came to hire
+him; but Tom would not hire himself till his friends
+persuaded him, and his master promised him a new suit of
+clothes from top to toe, and also that he should be his man;
+and the master showed him where he should go, for there
+was a monstrous giant who kept part of the Marsh, and
+none dared to go that way; for if the giant found them he
+would either kill them or make them his servants.</p>
+
+<p>But to come to Tom and his master, Tom did more in one
+day than all the rest of his men did in three: so that his
+master seeing him so tractable and careful in his business,
+made him his head man, and trusted him to carry beer by
+himself, for he needed none to help him. Thus Tom went
+each day to Wisbeach, a journey of near twenty miles.</p>
+
+<p>Tom going this journey so often, and finding the other
+road the giant kept nearer by the half, and Tom having
+increased his strength by being so well kept, and improving
+his courage by drinking so much strong ale; one day as he
+was going to Wisbeach, without saying anything to his
+master or any of his fellow servants, he resolved to make the
+nearest road or lose his life; to win the horse or lose the
+saddle; to kill or be killed, if he met with this giant.</p>
+
+<p>Thus resolved, he goes the nearest way with his cart,
+flinging open the gates in order to go through; but the giant
+soon spied him, and seeing him a daring fellow, vowed to
+stop his journey and make a prize of his beer; but Tom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span>
+cared not a groat for him, and the giant met him like a roaring
+lion, as though he would have swallowed him up.</p>
+
+<p>"Sirrah," said he, "who gave you authority to come this
+way? Do you not know that I make all stand in fear of
+my sight? and you, like an impudent rogue, must come and
+fling open my gates at pleasure. Are you so careless of your
+life that you do not care what you do? I will make you an
+example to all rogues under the sun. Dost thou not see
+how many heads hang upon yonder tree that have offended
+my laws? Thine shall hang higher than any of them all."</p>
+
+<p>"A tod in your teeth," said Tom, "you shall not find me
+like them."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said the giant; "why, you are but a fool if you
+come to fight me, and bring no weapon to defend thyself."</p>
+
+<p>Cries Tom, "I have got a weapon here that shall make
+you know I am your master."</p>
+
+<p>"Aye, say you so, sirrah," said the giant, and then ran to
+his cave to fetch his club, intending to dash his brains out
+at a blow.</p>
+
+<p>While the giant was gone for his club, Tom turned his
+cart upside down, taking the axle tree and wheel for his
+sword and buckler; and excellent weapons they were on
+such an emergency.</p>
+
+<p>The giant coming out again began to stare at Tom, to see
+him take the wheel in one of his hands and the axle tree in
+the other.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, oh!" said the giant, "you are like to do great things
+with those instruments; I have a twig here that will beat
+thee, thy axle tree, and wheel to the ground."</p>
+
+<p>Now that which the giant called a twig was as thick as a
+mill post; with this the giant made a blow at Tom with
+such force as made his wheel crack.</p>
+
+<p>Tom, not in the least daunted, gave him as brave a blow
+on the side of the head, which made him reel again.</p>
+
+<p>"What," said Tom, "have you got drunk with my small<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span>
+beer already?" The giant recovering, made many hard
+blows at Tom; but still as they came he kept them off with
+his wheel, so that he received but very little hurt.</p>
+
+<p>In the meantime Tom plied him so well with blows that
+sweat and blood ran together down the giant's face, who,
+being fat and foggy, was almost spent with fighting so long,
+so begged Tom to let him drink, and then he would fight
+him again.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Tom, "my mother did not teach me such wit.
+Who is fool then?" Whereupon, finding the giant grew
+weak, Tom redoubled his blows till he brought him to the
+ground.</p>
+
+<p>The giant, finding himself overcome, roared hideously,
+and begged Tom to spare his life and he would perform anything
+he should desire, even yield himself unto him and be
+his servant.</p>
+
+<p>But Tom, having no more mercy on him than a dog upon
+a bear, laid on him till he found him breathless, and then
+cut off his head, after which he went into his cave, and there
+found great store of gold and silver, which made his heart
+leap for joy.</p>
+
+<p>When he had rummaged the cave, and refreshed himself a
+little, he restored the wheel and axle tree to their places, and
+loaded his beer on his cart, and went to Wisbeach, where he
+delivered his beer, and returned home the same night as
+usual.</p>
+
+<p>Upon his return to his master, he told him what he had
+done, which, though he was rejoiced to hear, he could not
+altogether believe, till he had seen if it were true.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning Tom's master went with him to the place,
+to be convinced of the truth, as did most of the inhabitants
+of Lynn.</p>
+
+<p>When they came to the place they were rejoiced to find
+the giant quite dead; and when Tom showed them the
+head and what gold and silver there was in the cave, all of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span>
+them leaped for joy; for the giant had been a great enemy
+to that part of the country.</p>
+
+<p>News was soon spread that Tom Hickathrift had killed
+the giant, and happy was he that could come to see the
+giant's cave; and bonfires were made all round the
+country for Tom's success.</p>
+
+<p>Tom, by the general consent of the country, took possession
+of the giant's cave and riches. He pulled down the cave,
+and built himself a handsome house on the spot. He gave
+part of the giant's lands to the poor for their common, and
+the rest he divided and enclosed for an estate to maintain
+him and his mother.</p>
+
+<p>Now Tom's fame was spread more and more through the
+country, and he was no longer called plain Tom, but Mr.
+Hickathrift, and they feared his anger now almost as much
+as they did that of the giant before.</p>
+
+<p>Tom now finding himself very rich, resolved his neighbours
+should be the better for it. He enclosed himself a park and
+kept deer; and just by his house he built a church, which he
+dedicated to St. James, because on that saint's day he killed
+the giant.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom kept a pack of Hounds, and of his being attacked
+by some Highwaymen.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Tom not being used to such a stock of riches, could hardly
+tell how to dispose of it; but he used means to do it, for he
+kept a pack of hounds and men to hunt them; and who but
+Tom; he took much delight in sports and exercises, and he
+would go far and near to a merry making.</p>
+
+<p>One day as Tom was riding he saw a company at football,
+and dismounted to see them play for a wager; but he spoiled
+all their sport, for meeting the football, he gave it such a
+kick that they never found it more; whereupon they began
+to quarrel with Tom, but some of them got little good by it;
+for he got a spar, which belonged to an old house that had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span>
+been blown down, with which he drove all opposition before
+him, and made a way wherever he came.</p>
+
+<p>After this, going home late in the evening, he was met by
+four highwaymen, well mounted, who had robbed all the
+passengers that travelled on that road.</p>
+
+<p>When they saw Tom, and found that he was alone, they
+were cock sure of his money, and bid him stand and deliver.</p>
+
+<p>"What must I deliver?" cries Tom. "Your money,
+sirrah," said they. "Aye," said Tom, "but you shall give
+me better words for it first, and be better armed too."</p>
+
+<p>"Come, come," said they, "we came not here to prate, but
+for your money, and money we must have before we go."
+"Is it so?" said Tom; "then get it and take it."</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon one of them made at him with a rusty sword,
+which Tom immediately wrenched out of his hand, and
+attacked the whole four with it, and made them set spurs
+to their horses; but seeing one had a portmanteau behind
+him, and supposing it contained money, he more closely
+pursued them, and soon overtook them and cut their
+journey short, killing two of them and sadly wounding the
+other two, who, begging hard for their lives, he let them go,
+but took away all their money, which was about two
+hundred pounds, to bear his expenses home.</p>
+
+<p>When Tom came home he told them how he had served
+the poor football players and the four thieves, which produced
+much mirth and laughter amongst all the company.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom, meets with a Tinker and of the Battle
+they Fought.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Some time afterwards, as Tom was walking about his
+estate to see how his workmen went on, he met upon the
+skirts of the forest a very sturdy tinker, having a good staff
+on his shoulder and a great dog to carry his budget of tools.
+So Tom asked the tinker from whence he came and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span>
+whither he was going, as that was no highway? Now the
+tinker being a very sturdy fellow, bid him go look, what
+was that to him? But fools must always be meddling.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold," said Tom, "before you and I part I will make
+you know who I am."</p>
+
+<p>"Aye," says the tinker, "it is three years since I had a
+combat with any man; I have challenged many a one, but
+none dare face me, so I think they are all cowards in this
+part of the country; but I hear there is a man lives hereabouts
+named Thomas Hickathrift, who has killed a giant,
+him I'd willingly see to have a bout with him."</p>
+
+<p>"Aye," said Tom, "I am the man. What have you to say
+to me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Truly," said the tinker, "I am very glad we are so
+happily met, that we may have one touch."</p>
+
+<p>"Surely," said Tom, "you are but in jest."</p>
+
+<p>"Marry," said the tinker, "but I am in earnest."</p>
+
+<p>"A match," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"It is done," said the tinker.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Tom, "will you give me leave to get me a
+twig?"</p>
+
+<p>"Aye," said the tinker, "I hate him that fights with a
+man unarmed."</p>
+
+<p>So Tom stepped to a gate and took a rail for a staff. So
+to it they fell. The tinker at Tom, and Tom at the tinker,
+like two giants. The tinker had a leather coat on, so that
+every blow Tom gave him made it roar again, yet the tinker
+did not give way an inch till Tom gave him such a bang on
+the side of the head that felled him to the ground.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, tinker, where art thou?" said Tom. But the
+tinker being a nimble fellow, leaped up again, and gave Tom
+a bang, the which made him reel, and following his blows,
+took Tom on the other side, which made him throw down
+his weapon and yield the mastery to the brave tinker.</p>
+
+<p>After this Tom took the tinker home to his house, where<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span>
+we shall leave them to improve their acquaintance, and get
+themselves cured of the bruises they gave each other. And
+for a further account of the merry pranks of Tom and the
+tinker, the reader is referred to the Second Part, which is
+far more entertaining than this.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h2>PART THE SECOND.</h2>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker conquer Ten Thousand
+Rebels.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>In and about the Isle of Ely, many disaffected persons, to
+the number of ten thousand or upwards, drew themselves
+together in a body, pretending to contend for their rights
+and privileges, which they said had been greatly infringed;
+insomuch that the civil magistrates of the country thought
+themselves in great danger of their lives.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon the sheriff by night came to the house of Mr.
+Thomas Hickathrift, as a secure place of refuge in so
+eminent a time of danger, where he laid open to Mr.
+Hickathrift the unreasonableness of the complaint of these
+rebels, and begged his protection and assistance.</p>
+
+<p>"Sheriff," said Tom, "what service my brother," meaning
+the tinker, "and I can perform shall not be wanting."</p>
+
+<p>This said, in the morning, by break of day, with trusty
+clubs, they both went out, desiring the sheriff to be their
+guide in conducting them to the place where the rebels
+were.</p>
+
+<p>When they came there, Tom and the tinker marched
+boldly up to the head of them, and demanded the reason
+why they disturbed the government? To which they
+replied, "That their will was their law, and by that only we
+will be governed."</p>
+
+<p>"Nay," said Tom, "if it be so, these are our weapons, and
+by them ye shall be chastised." These words were no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span>
+sooner out of his mouth, but the tinker and he threw themselves
+both together into the crowd, where with their clubs
+they beat down all before them. Nay, remarkable it was,
+the tinker struck a tall man upon the neck with such force
+that his head flew off and was carried ten yards from him,
+and struck the chief leader with such violence as levelled
+him to the ground.</p>
+
+<p>Tom, on the other hand, pressing forward, beat down all
+before him, making great havoc, till by an unfortunate blow
+he broke his club; yet he was not in the least dismayed, for he
+presently seized a lusty, stout, raw-boned miller, and so made
+use of him for a weapon, till at last they cleared the field,
+that not one of them durst lift up their hand against them.</p>
+
+<p>Shortly after Tom took some of them and exposed them
+to public justice; the rest being pardoned at the request of
+Tom and the tinker.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker are sent for up to Court;
+and of their kind Entertainment.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The king being truly informed of the faithful services performed
+by these his loving subjects, Tom Hickathrift and
+the tinker, he was pleased to send for them and the nobility.</p>
+
+<p>Now after the banquet the king said, "These are my
+trusty and well-beloved subjects, men of known courage and
+valour, who conquered ten thousand persons who were met
+together to disturb the peace of my realm.</p>
+
+<p>"According to the characters given of Thomas Hickathrift
+and Henry Nonsuch, persons here present, which cannot be
+matched in the world; all were it possible to have an army
+of 20,000 such, I durst immediately venture to act the part
+of great Alexander.</p>
+
+<p>"As a proof of my favour, kneel down and receive the order
+of knighthood, Mr. Hickathrift; and as for Henry Nonsuch
+I will settle upon him a reward of forty pounds a year
+during life.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>"</p>
+
+<p>So said, the king withdrew, and Sir Thomas Hickathrift
+and Henry Nonsuch, the tinker, returned to their home.
+But, to the great grief of Sir Thomas Hickathrift, he found
+his mother dead and buried.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom, after the Death of his Mother, goes a-wooing; and of
+a Trick he served a Gallant, who had offended him.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Tom's mother being dead, and he left alone in a spacious
+house, he found himself strange; therefore began to consider
+with himself that it would not be amiss to seek a wife; so,
+hearing of a rich and young widow in Cambridge, he goes
+to her and makes his addresses, and at the first coming she
+seemed to show him much favour; but between that and
+his coming again she gave entertainment to an airy, brisk,
+and young spark that happened to come in while Tom was
+there a second time.</p>
+
+<p>He looked very wistfully at Tom, and Tom stared as
+fiercely at him again; so at last the young spark began to
+abuse Tom with very affronting language, saying he was a
+lubberly welp and a scoundrel.</p>
+
+<p>"A scoundrel!" said Tom. "Better sayings would
+become you; and if you do not instantly mend your
+manners, you will meet with correction."</p>
+
+<p>At which the young man challenged him; so to the yard
+they went&mdash;the young man with his sword, and Tom with
+neither stick nor staff.</p>
+
+<p>Said the spark, "Have you nothing to defend yourself?
+Then I shall the sooner despatch you."</p>
+
+<p>So he made a pass at Tom, but that he butt by; and then,
+wheeling round unto his back, Tom gave him such a nice
+kick in the breech as sent the spark like a crow up in
+the air, whence he fell upon the ridge of a thatched house,
+and came down into a fish-pond, where he had certainly been
+drowned if it had not been for a poor shepherd, who was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span>
+walking by that road, and, seeing him floating on the water,
+dragged him out with his hook, and home he returned like a
+drowned rat; whilst Tom enjoyed the kind embraces of his
+lady.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom served Two Troopers, whom the Spark had
+hired to beset him.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Now the young gallant vexed himself to think how Tom
+had conquered him before his new mistress, so was resolved
+on speedy revenge, and, knowing he was not able to cope
+with Tom, he hired two lusty troopers, well mounted, to lie
+in ambush under a thicket, which Tom was to pass on his
+way home, and so accordingly they both attempted to set
+upon him.</p>
+
+<p>"How now, rascals!" said Tom; "what would you be
+at? Are you indeed so weary of your lives that you so
+unadvisedly set upon one who is able to crush you like a
+cucumber?" The two troopers, laughing at him, said they
+were not to be daunted at his high words. "High words!"
+said Tom; "nay, now I will come to action," and so ran
+between them, catching them in his arms, horses and men,
+as easy as if they had been but two baker's bavins.</p>
+
+<p>In this manner he steered homewards, but, as he passed
+through a company of haymakers, the troopers cried, "Stop
+him! stop him! He runs away with two of the king's
+troopers." But they laughed to see Tom hugging them,
+frequently upbraiding them for their baseness, saying he'd
+make mince meat of them for crows and jackdaws.</p>
+
+<p>This was a dreadful lecture to them, and the poor rogues
+begged he would be merciful to them, and they would discover
+the whole plot, and who was the person that employed
+them, which they accordingly did, and gained favour in the
+sight of Tom, who pardoned them on promise that they
+would never be concerned in so villainous an action as that
+was for the future.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom, going to be Married, is set upon by Twenty-one
+Ruffians; and of the Havock he made.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>In regard Tom had been hindered hitherto by the troopers,
+he delayed his visit to his lady and love till the next day,
+and, coming to her, he gave her a full account of what had
+happened.</p>
+
+<p>She was much pleased at this relation, and received him
+with joy and satisfaction, knowing it was safe for a woman
+to marry with a man who was able to defend her against any
+assault whatever; and so brave a man as Tom was found to be.</p>
+
+<p>The day of marriage being appointed, and friends and
+relations invited, yet secret malice, which is never satisfied
+but with revenge, had like to have prevented it; for, having
+near three miles to go to church, the aforementioned gentleman
+had provided one-and-twenty ruffians to destroy Tom,
+for to put them to consternation.</p>
+
+<p>Howbeit, it so happened in a private place, all bolted out
+upon Tom, and with a spear gave him a slight wound,
+which made his sweetheart shriek out lamentably. Tom
+endeavoured to pacify her, saying, "Stand you still, and I
+will soon show you some pleasant sport."</p>
+
+<p>Here he catched hold of a broad-sword from the side of
+one of the company, and behaved so gallantly with it that
+at every stroke he took off a joint. He spared their lives,
+but lopped off their legs and arms, that in less than a
+quarter of an hour there was not one in the company but
+had lost a limb. The grass was all stained with a purple
+gore, and the ground was covered with legs and arms.</p>
+
+<p>His lover and the rest of the company were all this while
+standing by and admiring his valour, crying out, "O, what
+a sight of cripples has he made in a short time!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Tom, "I verily believe that for every drop of
+blood I have lost I have made the rascals pay me a limb,
+as a just tribute."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>This said, he steps to a farmer's house, and hired a
+servant, by giving him twenty shillings to carry the several
+cripples home to their respective habitations in his cart,
+and then posted to church with his love, when they were
+heartily merry with their friends after this encounter.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom provides a Feast for all the poor Widows in the
+adjacent Towns; and how he served an Old
+Woman who Stole a Silver Cup.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Now Tom, being married, made a plentiful feast, to which
+he invited all the poor widows in the parish, for the sake of
+his mother, who had been lately buried.</p>
+
+<p>This feast was carried on with the greatest solemnity,
+and, being ended, a silver cup was missing, and being asked
+about it they all denied it.</p>
+
+<p>At last, all being searched, the cup was found on an old
+woman named Strumbelow. Then all the rest were in a
+rage; some were for hanging her, others for chopping the
+old woman in pieces for ingratitude to such a generous
+benefactor.</p>
+
+<p>But he entreated them all to be quiet, saying they should
+not murder a poor old woman, for he would appoint a
+punishment for her, which was this:&mdash;He bored a hole
+through her nose, and put a string in it, and then ordered
+her to be stripped; so commanding the rest of the old
+women to lead her through all the streets and lanes in
+Cambridge, which comical sight caused a general laughter.</p>
+
+<p>This being done, she had her clothes again, and so was
+acquitted.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Sir Thomas and his Lady are sent for up to Court;
+and of what happened at that Time.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Now, tidings of Tom's wedding was soon raised at court,
+insomuch that they had a royal invitation there, in order
+that the king might have a sight of his newly-married lady.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span>
+Accordingly, they came, and were received with much joy
+and triumph.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst they were in the midst of their mirth news was
+brought the king by the Commons of Kent that a very
+dreadful giant was landed in one of the islands, and had
+brought with him a great number of bears, and also young
+lions, with a dreadful dragon, upon which he always rode,
+which said monster and ravenous beasts had much frighted
+all the inhabitants of the said island. And, moreover, they
+said, if speedy course was not taken to suppress them in due
+time, they would destroy the country.</p>
+
+<p>The king, hearing of this relation, was a little startled;
+yet he persuaded them to return home, and make the best
+defence they could for the present, assuring them that he
+would not forget them, and so they departed.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Tom is made Governor of East Angles, now called the Isle
+of Thanet; and of the wonderful Achievements
+he there performed.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The king, hearing these dreadful tidings, immediately sat
+in council to consider what was best to be done for the
+conquering this giant and wild beasts.</p>
+
+<p>At length Tom Hickathrift was pitched upon as being a
+stout and bold subject, for which reason it was judged
+necessary to make him Governor of that island, which place
+of trust he readily accepted; and accordingly he went down
+with his wife and family to take possession of the same,
+attended by a hundred and odd knights and gentlemen at
+least; they taking leave of him, and wishing him all health
+and prosperity.</p>
+
+<p>Many days he had not been there before it was his
+fortune to meet this monstrous giant, for thus it was:&mdash;Sir
+Thomas, looking out at his own window, espied this giant
+mounted on a dreadful dragon, and on his shoulder he bore
+a club of iron. He had but one eye, which was in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span>
+middle of his forehead, and was as large as a barber's basin,
+and seemed like flaming fire, the hair of his head hanging
+down like snakes, and his beard like rusty wire.</p>
+
+<p>Lifting up his eye, he saw Sir Thomas, who was viewing
+him from one of the windows of the castle. The giant
+then began to knit his brows, and to breathe forth some
+threatening words to the Governor, who, indeed, was a little
+surprised at the approach of such a monstrous and ill-favoured
+brute.</p>
+
+<p>The monstrous giant, finding that Tom did not make
+much haste to get down to him, alighted from his
+dragon, and chained him to an oak tree, then marched to
+the castle, setting his broad shoulders against the corner of
+the wall as if he intended to overthrow the whole bulk of
+the building at once. Tom, perceiving it, said, "Is this the
+game you would be at? Faith, I shall spoil your sport, for
+I have a tool to pick your teeth with."</p>
+
+<p>He then took the two-handed sword the king gave
+him, down he went, and, flinging open the gate, he
+there finds the giant, who, by an unfortunate slip in his
+thrusting, was fallen along, and there lay, not able to defend
+himself.</p>
+
+<p>"How now!" said Tom; "do you come here to take up
+your lodging? This is not at all to be suffered." And
+with that he ran his long broad sword between the giant's
+tawny buttocks, and made the brute give a groan almost as
+loud as thunder.</p>
+
+<p>Then Sir Thomas, pulling out his sword again, and at six
+or seven blows he severed his head, which, when cut off,
+seemed like the root of a great oak; then, turning to the
+dragon, which was all this time chained to a tree, without
+any more ado, at a few blows cut off that also.</p>
+
+<p>This adventure being over, he sent for a waggon and
+horses, and loaded them with the heads, and then summoned
+all the constables of the county for a safeguard, and sent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span>
+them to the court, with a promise to his Majesty that in a
+short time he would clear the island of all the bears, lions,
+etc., etc.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>The Tinker, hearing of Tom's Fame, he goes to his Partner;
+and of his being unfortunately slain by a Lion.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Tom's victories rang so loud that they reached the ears of
+his old acquaintance the tinker, who, being desirous of
+honour, resolved to go down and visit him in his government;
+and coming there he was kindly entertained.</p>
+
+<p>After a few days' pleasure, Tom told him he must go in
+search of some bears and lions in the island.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said the tinker, "I will go with you."</p>
+
+<p>"With all my heart," said Tom, "for I must own I shall
+be glad of your company." On this they went forward&mdash;Tom
+with his great sword and the tinker with his pike staff.</p>
+
+<p>After they had travelled four or five hours, it was their
+fortune to meet all the wild beasts together, being in number
+fourteen, six of which were bears, the other eight young
+lions. When these creatures had set their eyes on them
+they ran furiously, as if they would have devoured them at
+a mouthful, but Tom and the tinker stood side by side, with
+their backs against an oak, until the lions and bears came
+within their reach. Tom, with his sword, clave all their
+heads asunder, until they were all destroyed, except one
+young lion, who, seeing the rest of his fellow-creatures dead,
+he was making his escape; but the tinker, being too venturous,
+ran hastily after him, and gave the lion a blow.
+The beast turned upon him, and seized him with such
+violence by the throat as soon ended his life.</p>
+
+<p>Tom's joy was now mingled with sorrow, for, though he
+had cleared the island of those ravenous beasts, yet his grief
+was intolerable for the loss of his friend.</p>
+
+<p>Home he returned to his lady, where, in token of joy for
+the success he'd had in his dangerous enterprizes, he made<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span>
+a very noble and splendid feast, to which he invited all his
+friends and acquaintances, and then made the following
+promises:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">"My friends, while I have strength to stand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Most manfully I will pursue<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">All dangers, till I clear the land<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Of lions, bears, and tigers too."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>THE HISTORY</h2>
+
+<h5>OF</h5>
+
+<h1>JACK</h1>
+
+<h5>THE</h5>
+
+<h1>GIANT-KILLER</h1>
+
+<h5>CONTAINING</h5>
+
+<div class="center">
+His Birth and Parentage<br />
+His Meeting with the King's Son; His Noble<br />
+Conquests over many Monstrous Giants<br />
+And his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he<br />
+afterwards married.<br />
+</div>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p>In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's-End of England,
+in the county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy
+farmer, who had only one son, commonly known by the
+name of Jack. He was brisk, and of a lively, ready wit,
+so that whatever he could not perform by strength he
+completed by wit and policy. Never was any person heard
+of that could worst him; nay, the learned he baffled by his
+cunning and ready inventions.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, when he was no more than seven years of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span>
+age, his father sent him into the field to look after his oxen.
+A country vicar, by chance one day coming across the field,
+called Jack, and asked him several questions; in particular,
+"How many commandments were there?" Jack told him
+there were nine. The parson replied, "There are ten."
+"Nay," quoth Jack, "master parson, you are out of that;
+it is true there were ten, but you have broken one of
+them." The parson replied, "Thou art an arch wag, Jack."
+"Well, master parson," quoth Jack, "you have asked
+me one question, and I have answered it; let me ask
+you another. Who made these oxen?" The parson
+replied, "God." "You are out again," quoth Jack, "for
+God made them bulls, but my father and his man Hobson
+made oxen of them." The parson, finding himself fooled,
+trudged away, leaving Jack in a fit of laughter.</p>
+
+<p>In those days the mount of Cornwall was kept by a huge
+and monstrous giant of 27 feet high and of 3 yards in
+compass, of a grim countenance, to the terror of all the
+neighbouring towns. His habitation was a cave in the
+midst of the mount; neither would he suffer any living
+creature to inhabit near him. His feeding was upon other
+men's cattle; for whensoever he had occasion for food he
+would wade over to the main land, where he would furnish
+himself with whatever he could find; for the people at his
+approach would forsake their habitations; then he would
+take their cows and oxen, of which he would make nothing
+to carry over on his back half a dozen at a time; and as for
+sheep and hogs, he would tie them round his waist. This
+he had for many years practised in Cornwall.</p>
+
+<p>But one day Jack, coming to the Town Hall, when the
+Magistrates were sitting in consternation about the giant,
+he asked what reward they would give to any person that
+would destroy him. They answered, "He shall have all
+the giant's treasure in recompense." Quoth Jack, "Then
+I myself will undertake the work."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Jack furnished himself with a horn, a shovel, and a pick-axe,
+and over to the mount he goes in the beginning of a dark
+winter evening, where he fell to work, and before morning
+had digged a pit 22 feet deep, and as broad, and covered
+the same over with long sticks and straw; then strewed a little
+mould upon it, so that it appeared like the plain ground.</p>
+
+<p>This done, Jack places himself on the contrary side of
+the pit just about the dawning of the day, when, putting
+his horn to his mouth, he then blew, "Tan twivie, tan twivie,"
+which unexpected noise roused the giant, who came roaring
+towards Jack, crying out, "You incorrigible villain, are you
+come hither to break my rest? You shall dearly pay for it;
+satisfaction I will have, and it shall be this&mdash;I will take
+you wholly and broil you for my breakfast," which words
+were no sooner out of his mouth but he tumbled headlong
+into the deep pit, whose heavy fall made the very foundation
+of the mount to shake.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! giant, where are you now? Faith, you are got
+into Lobb's Pond, where I shall plague you for your
+threatening words. What do you think now of broiling me
+for your breakfast? Will no other diet serve you but poor
+Jack?" Thus having tantalized the giant for a while, he gave
+him a most weighty knock on the crown of his head with
+his pick-axe, so that he immediately tumbled down, gave a
+most dreadful groan, and died. This done, Jack threw the
+earth in upon him, and so buried him; then, going and
+searching the cave, he found a great quantity of treasure.</p>
+
+<p>Now, when the Magistrates who employed him heard the
+work was over, they sent for him, declaring that he should
+henceforth be called Jack the Giant-Killer. And in honour
+thereof, they presented him with a sword, together with a
+fine rich embroidered belt, on which these words were
+wrought in letters of gold&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="poem i4">"Here's the right valiant Cornish man</span><br />
+<span class="poem i4">&nbsp;Who slew the giant Cormillan."</span><br />
+</div></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The news of Jack's victory was soon spread; when another
+huge giant, named Blunderboar, hearing of it, vowed to
+be revenged on Jack if ever it was his fortune to light upon
+him. This giant kept an enchanted castle, situated in the
+midst of a lonesome wood. Now, Jack, about four months
+after, walking near the borders of the said wood, on his
+journey towards Wales, grew weary, and therefore sat
+himself down by the side of a pleasant fountain, where a
+deep sleep suddenly seized on him, at which time the giant
+coming for water, found him; and by the line on his belt
+knew him to be Jack that killed his brother; and, without
+any words, threw him upon his shoulder, to carry him to
+his enchanted castle.</p>
+
+<p>Now, as they passed through a thicket, the ruffling of the
+boughs awaked poor Jack, who, finding himself in the
+clutches of the giant, was strangely surprised; for, at the
+entering within the first walls of the castle, he beheld the
+ground all covered with bones and skulls of dead men,
+the giant telling Jack that his bones would enlarge the
+number that he saw. This said, he brought him into a
+large parlour, where he beheld the bloody quarters of some
+who were lately slain, and in the next room were many
+hearts and livers, which the giant, in order to terrify Jack,
+told him "that men's hearts and livers were the choicest of
+his diet, for he commonly ate them with pepper and vinegar,
+and he did not question but his heart would make him a dainty
+bit." This said, he locks up poor Jack in an upper room, while
+he went to fetch another giant living in the same wood, that
+he might partake in the destruction of poor Jack.</p>
+
+<p>Now, while he was gone, dreadful shrieks and cries affrighted
+poor Jack, especially a voice which continually cried&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="poem i4">"Do what you can to get away,</span><br />
+<span class="poem i4">&nbsp;Or you'll become the giant's prey;</span><br />
+<span class="poem i4">&nbsp;He's gone to fetch his brother, who</span><br />
+<span class="poem i4">&nbsp;Will kill and likewise torture you."</span><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>This dreadful noise so amazed poor Jack he was ready to
+run distracted. Seeing from the window afar off the two
+giants coming, "Now," quoth Jack to himself, "my death
+or deliverance is at hand."</p>
+
+<p>There were strong cords in the room by him, of which
+he takes two, at the end of which he makes a noose, and,
+while the giant was unlocking the gate, he threw the ropes
+over each of the heads, and, drawing the other end across
+the beam, he pulled with all his strength until he had
+throttled them; and then, fastening the rope to the beam,
+turning towards the window he beheld the two giants to be
+black in their faces. Sliding down by the rope, he came
+close to their heads, where the helpless giants could not
+defend themselves, and, drawing out his sword, slew them
+both, and delivered himself from their intended cruelty;
+then, taking out a bunch of keys, he unlocked the rooms,
+where he found three fair ladies, tied by the hair of their
+heads, almost starved to death, who told Jack that their husbands
+were slain by the giant, and that they were kept
+many days without food, in order to force them to feed upon
+the flesh of their husbands.</p>
+
+<p>"Sweet ladies," quoth Jack, "I have destroyed this
+monster, and his brutish brother, by which I have obtained
+your liberties." This said, he presented them with the keys
+of the castle, and so proceeded on his journey to Wales.</p>
+
+<p>Jack, having but very little money, thought it prudent
+to make the best of his way by travelling as fast as he
+could, but, losing his road, was benighted, and could not
+get a place of entertainment until he came to a valley
+placed between two hills, where stood a large house in a
+lonesome place. He took courage to knock at the gate, and
+to his great surprise there came forth a monstrous giant,
+having two heads; yet he did not seem so fiery as the
+others had been, for he was a Welsh giant, and what he did
+was by secret malice, for Jack telling his condition he bid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span>
+him welcome, showing him a room with a bed in it, whereon
+he might take his night's repose; therefore Jack undressed
+himself, and, as the giant was walking to another apartment,
+Jack heard him mutter forth these words to himself&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">"Though here you lodge with me this night,</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;You shall not see the morning light;</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;My club shall dash your brains out quite."</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "this is like your Welsh
+tricks; yet I hope to be cunning enough for you." Then
+getting out of bed he put a billet in his stead, and hid
+himself in a corner of the room; and in the dead time of
+the night the Welsh giant came with his great knotty club,
+and struck several heavy blows upon the head where Jack
+had laid the billet, and then returned to his own chamber,
+supposing he had broken all the bones in his body.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning Jack gave him hearty thanks for his
+lodging. The giant said to him, "How have you rested?
+Did you not feel something in the night?" "Nothing,"
+quoth Jack, "but a rat which gave me three or four slaps
+with her tail." Soon after the giant arose and went to
+breakfast with a bowl of hasty pudding, containing nearly
+four gallons, giving Jack the like quantity, who, being
+loath to let the giant know he could not eat with him, got
+a large leathern bag, putting it very artfully under his loose
+coat, into which he secretly conveyed his pudding, telling
+the giant he could show him a trick; then, taking a large
+knife, he ripped open the bag, which the giant supposed to
+be his belly, when out came the hasty pudding, at which
+the Welsh giant cried, "Cotsplut, hur can do dat trick
+hurself." Then, taking his sharp knife, he ripped up his
+own belly from the bottom to the top; and out dropped his
+bowels, so that he fell down for dead. Thus Jack outwitted
+the giant, and proceeded on his journey.</p>
+
+<p>About this time King Arthur's son only desired of his
+father to furnish him with a certain sum of money, that he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span>
+might go and seek his fortune in Wales, where a beautiful
+lady lived, whom he heard was possessed with seven evil
+spirits; but the king his father advised him utterly against
+it, yet he would not be persuaded of it; so he granted what
+he requested, which was one horse loaded with money, and
+another for himself to ride on; thus he went forth without
+any attendants.</p>
+
+<p>Now, after several days' travel, he came to a market
+town in Wales, where he beheld a large concourse of people
+gathered together. The king's son demanded the reason of
+it, and was told that they had arrested a corpse for many
+large sums of money which the deceased owed when he
+died. The king's son replied, "It is a pity that creditors
+should be so cruel; go bury the dead, and let his creditors
+come to my lodging, and their debts shall be discharged."
+Accordingly they came in great numbers, so that he left
+himself moneyless.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Jack the Giant-Killer being there, and, seeing the
+generosity of the king's son, he was taken with him, and
+desired to be his servant. It was agreed upon the next
+morning, when, riding out at the town-end, the king's son,
+turning to Jack, said, "I cannot tell how I will subsist in
+my intended journey." "For that," quoth Jack, "take you
+no care: let me alone; I warrant you we will not want."</p>
+
+<p>Now, Jack, having a spell in his pocket, which served at
+noon for a refreshment, when done, they had not one penny
+left betwixt them. The afternoon they spent in travel and
+discourse, till the sun began to grow low, at which time the
+king's son said, "Jack, since we have no money, where can
+we think to lodge this night?" Jack replied, "We'll do
+well enough, for I have an uncle living within two miles of
+this. He is a monstrous giant with three heads; he will
+fight 500 men in armour, and make them to fly before him."
+"Alas!" saith the king's son, "what shall we do there?
+He will certainly chop us both up at one mouthful!" "It<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span>
+is no matter for that," quoth Jack; "I will go before and
+prepare the way for you. Tarry here."</p>
+
+<p>He waits, and Jack rides full speed; when he came to the
+castle, he knocked with such a force that he made all the
+neighbouring hills to resound. The giant, with a voice like
+thunder, roared out, "Who's there?" He answered, "None
+but your own cousin Jack. Dear uncle, heavy news, God wot."
+"Prithee, what heavy news can come to me? I am a giant
+with three heads, and besides thou knowest I can fight five
+hundred men." "O! but," quoth Jack, "here's the king's
+son coming with 1,000 men to kill you." "Oh! Jack, this
+is heavy news indeed. I have a large vault under ground,
+where I will hide myself, and thou shalt lock, bolt, and bar
+me in, and keep the keys till the king's son is gone."</p>
+
+<p>Jack having secured the giant, he returned and fetched
+his master. They were both heartily merry with the wine
+and other dainties which were in the house; so that night
+they rested in very pleasant lodgings, whilst the poor uncle
+the giant lay trembling in the vault under ground.</p>
+
+<p>Early in the morning Jack furnished his master with a
+supply of gold and silver, and set him three miles forward
+on his journey, concluding he was then pretty well out of
+the smell of the giant, and then returned to let his uncle
+out of the hole, who asked Jack what he would give him
+in reward, since his castle was not demolished. "Why," quoth
+Jack, "I desire nothing but the old coat and cap, together
+with the old rusty sword and slippers which are at your
+bed-head." "Jack, thou shalt have them, and pray keep
+them for my sake, for they are things of excellent use. The
+coat will keep you invisible; the cap will furnish you with
+knowledge; the sword cuts asunder whatever you strike,
+and the shoes are of extraordinary swiftness: these may be
+serviceable to you, and therefore pray take them with all
+my heart." Jack takes them, thanking his uncle, and
+follows his master.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Jack, having overtaken his master, soon after arrived at
+the lady's house, who, finding the king's son to be a suitor,
+prepared a banquet for him, and, being ended, she wiped his
+mouth with her napkin, saying, "You must show this
+to-morrow, or else lose your head," and she put it safely
+into her bosom.</p>
+
+<p>The king's son went to bed sorrowful, but Jack's cap of
+knowledge instructed him how to obtain it. In the middle
+of the night she called upon her familiar spirit to carry her to
+Lucifer. Jack put on his coat of darkness, with his shoes of
+swiftness, and was there as soon as her; by reason of his coat
+they could not see him. When she entered the place she
+gave the handkerchief to old Lucifer, who laid it carefully
+upon a shelf, from whence Jack brought it to his master,
+who showed it to the lady the next day.</p>
+
+<p>The next night she saluted the king's son, telling him he
+must show her to-morrow morning the lips that she kissed
+last this night, or lose his head. "Ah," replied he, "if you
+kiss none but mine I will." "It is neither here nor there,"
+said she; "if you do not, death's your portion." At midnight
+she went as before, and was angry with Lucifer for
+letting the handkerchief go. "But now," said she, "I will
+be too hard for the king's son, for I will kiss thee, and he's
+to show thy lips." Jack, standing near him with his sword
+of sharpness, cut off the devil's head, and brought it under his
+invisible coat to his master, who was in bed, and laid it at
+the end of his bolster. In the morning, when the lady came
+up, he pulled it out by the horns, and showed her the devil's
+lips, which she kissed last.</p>
+
+<p>Thus, having answered her twice, the enchantment broke,
+and the evil spirits left her, at which time she appeared a
+beautiful and virtuous creature. They were married next
+morning in great pomp and solemnity, and returned with a
+numerous company to the court of King Arthur, where they
+were received with the greatest joy and loud acclamations<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span>
+Jack, for the many and great exploits he had done for the
+good of his country, was made one of the Knights of the
+Round Table.</p>
+
+<p>Jack, having resolved not to be idle, humbly requested of
+the king to fit him with a horse and money to travel, "for,"
+said he, "there are many giants alive in the remotest parts
+of the kingdom, to the unspeakable damage of your Majesty's
+liege subjects; wherefore, may it please your Majesty to
+give me encouragement to rid the realm of these cruel and
+devouring monsters of nature, root and branch."</p>
+
+<p>Now, when the king had heard these noble propositions,
+and had duly considered the mischievous practices of these
+blood-thirsty giants, he immediately granted what Jack requested;
+and, being furnished with all necessaries for his
+progress, he took his leave of King Arthur, taking with him
+the cap of knowledge, sword of sharpness, shoes of swiftness,
+and likewise the invisible coat, the better to perfect and
+complete the dangerous enterprises that lay before him.</p>
+
+<p>Jack travelled over vast hills and mountains, when, at
+the end of three days, he came to a large and spacious
+wood, where, on a sudden, he heard dreadful shrieks and
+cries, whereupon, casting his eyes around, he beheld a giant
+rushing along with a worthy knight and his fair lady, whom
+he held by the hair of their heads in his hands, wherefore
+he alighted from off his horse, and then, putting on his
+invisible coat, under which he carried his sword of sharpness,
+he came up to the giant, and, though he made several
+passes at him, yet he could not reach the trunk of his body,
+by reason of his height, though it wounded his thighs in
+several places; but at length, giving him a swinging stroke,
+he cut off both his legs just below the knee, so that the
+trunk of his body made the ground shake with the force of
+his fall, at which the knight and the lady escaped; then
+had Jack time to talk with him, and, setting his foot upon
+his neck, said, "You savage and barbarous wretch, I am<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span>
+come to execute upon you the just reward of your villainy."
+And with that, running him through and through, the
+monster sent forth a hideous groan, and yielded up his life,
+while the noble knight and virtuous lady were joyful spectators
+of his sudden downfall and their own deliverance.</p>
+
+<p>This being done, the courteous knight and his fair lady
+returned him hearty thanks for their deliverance, but also
+invited him home, there to refresh himself after the dreadful
+encounter, as likewise to receive ample reward, by way of
+gratitude for his good service. "No," quoth Jack, "I
+cannot be at ease till I find out the den which was this
+monster's habitation." The knight hearing this waxed
+sorrowful, and replied, "Noble stranger, it is too much to
+run a second risk, for this monster lived in a den under yon
+mountain, with a brother of his, more fierce than himself;
+therefore, if you go thither and perish in the attempt, it
+would be the heartbreaking of both me and my lady. Let
+me persuade you to go with us." "Nay," quoth Jack, "if
+there were twenty I would shed the last drop of my blood
+before one of them should escape my fury; but when I have
+finished this task I will come and pay my respects to
+you." So, taking directions to their habitation, he mounted
+his horse, and went in pursuit of the deceased giant's
+brother.</p>
+
+<p>Jack had not rode past a mile before he came in sight of
+the cave's mouth, at the entrance of which he beheld the
+other giant sitting upon a huge block of timber, with a
+knotty iron club by his side, waiting for his brother's return
+with his cruel prey. His goggle eyes appeared like terrible
+flames of fire, his countenance grim and ugly, and his cheeks
+appeared like a couple of large flitches of bacon; the bristles
+of his head seemed to resemble rods of iron wire; his locks
+hung down on his broad shoulders like curled snakes.</p>
+
+<p>Jack alighted from his horse, and put him into a thicket;
+then, with his coat of darkness, he came near to behold his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span>
+figure, and said, "Oh! are you here? It will not be long
+before I take you by the beard." The giant could not see
+him by reason of his invisible coat: so Jack, fetching a
+blow at his head with his sword of sharpness, and missing
+somewhat of his aim, cut off the giant's nose, whose nostrils
+were wider than a pair of jack-boots. The pain was terrible;
+he put up his hand to feel for his nose, and when he could
+not find it he raved and roared louder than thunder; and,
+though he turned up his large eyes, he could not see from
+whence the blow came; nevertheless, he took up his iron-headed
+club, and began to thrash about him like one stark
+mad. "Nay," quoth Jack, "if you be for that sport, then
+I will despatch you quickly, for fear of an accidental blow."
+Then Jack makes no more to do, but runs his sword up to
+the hilt in the giant's body, where he left it sticking
+for a while, and stood himself laughing to see the giant
+caper and dance with the sword in him, crying out he
+should die with the pain in his body. Thus did the
+giant continue raving for an hour or more, and at length
+fell down dead.</p>
+
+<p>This being done, Jack cut off both the giants' heads, and
+sent them to King Arthur by a waggoner, whom he hired
+for the purpose.</p>
+
+<p>Jack, having despatched these two monsters, resolved to
+enter the cave in search of the giant's treasure. He passed
+through many turnings and windings, which led him at
+length to a room paved with freestone, at the upper end of
+which was a boiling cauldron; on the right hand stood a
+large table, where the giants used to dine; then he came to
+an iron gate, where was a window secured with bars of
+iron, through which he looked, and beheld a vast many
+captives, who, seeing Jack, said, "Young man, art thou
+come to be one among us in this miserable den?" "Ay,"
+quoth Jack, "I hope I shall not tarry long here; but what
+is the meaning of your captivity?" "Why," said one of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span>
+them, "we have been taken by the giants, and here we are
+kept till they have a feast, then the fattest among us is
+slaughtered for their devouring jaws. It is not long since
+they took three of us for the purpose." "Say you so,"
+quoth Jack; "well, I have given them both such a dinner
+that it will be long enough ere they need any more. You may
+believe me, for I have slain them both; and as for their
+monstrous heads, I sent them to the court of King Arthur
+as trophies of my victory." Then, leading them to the aforesaid
+room, he placed them round the table, and set before
+them two quarters of beef, also bread and wine, so that
+they feasted there very plentifully. Supper being ended,
+they searched the giant's coffers, where, finding a vast store
+of gold, Jack divided it equally among them. They all returned
+him hearty thanks for their treasure and miraculous
+deliverance. That night they went to their rest, and in
+the morning they arose and departed to their respective
+places of abode, and Jack to the knight's house.</p>
+
+<p>Jack mounted his horse, and by his direction he came to
+the knight's house, where he was received with all demonstrations
+of joy by the knight and his lady, who, in respect
+to Jack, prepared a feast, which lasted for many days,
+inviting all the gentry in the adjacent parts. He presented
+him with a ring of gold, on which was engraven by curious
+art the picture of the giant dragging a distressed knight
+and his fair lady by the hair of the head.</p>
+
+<p>Now, there were five aged gentlemen who were fathers
+to some of those miserable captives whom Jack had set at
+liberty, who immediately paid him their respects. The
+smiling bowl was then pledged to the victorious conqueror,
+but during their mirth a dark cloud appeared, which daunted
+the assembly.</p>
+
+<p>A messenger brought the dismal tidings of the approach
+of one Thunderful, a huge giant with two heads, who,
+having heard of the death of his kinsmen, the above-named<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span>
+giants, was come in search of Jack, to be revenged on him
+for their terrible downfall, and was within a mile of the
+knight's seat, the people flying before him from their habitations.
+When they had related this, Jack said, "Let him
+come. I am prepared with a tool to pick his teeth, and you,
+gentlemen and ladies, walk forth into the garden, and you
+shall be the joyful spectators of this monstrous giant's
+death." To which they consented, wishing him good fortune
+in that great enterprise.</p>
+
+<p>The situation of the knight's house was in a small island,
+encompassed with a vast moat, thirty feet deep and twenty
+feet wide, over which lay a draw-bridge. Wherefore Jack
+employed two men to cut it on both sides, and then, dressing
+himself in his coat of darkness, putting on his shoes of
+swiftness, he marched against the giant, with his sword of
+sharpness ready drawn. When he came close up, the giant
+could not see Jack, by reason of his invisible coat; nevertheless,
+he was sensible of approaching danger, which made
+him cry out&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman; be he
+living or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to mix my bread."</p>
+
+<p>"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "then thou art a monstrous
+miller. But how? If I serve thee as I did the two
+giants of late, I should spoil your practice for the future."</p>
+
+<p>At which time the giant spoke with a voice as loud as
+thunder&mdash;"Art thou that villain which destroyed my kinsmen?
+Then I will tear thee with my teeth, and suck thy
+blood. I will grind thy bones to powder."</p>
+
+<p>"Catch me first," quoth Jack; and he threw off his coat of
+darkness that the giant might see him, and then ran from him
+as through fear, the giant, with glaring eyes, following after
+like a walking castle, making the earth to shake at every
+step. Jack led him a dance three or four times round the
+moat, that the ladies and gentlemen might take a full view
+of this huge monster who followed Jack, but could not over<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span>take
+him by reason of his shoes of swiftness. At length
+Jack took over the bridge, the giant, with full speed, pursuing
+after him, with his iron club; but, coming to the
+middle of the draw-bridge, the weight of his body, and the
+most dreadful steps which he took, it broke down, and he
+tumbled into the water, where he rolled and wallowed like
+a whale. Jack, standing at the side of the moat, laughed
+at the giant, and said, "You would grind my bones to
+powder? You have water; pray, where is your mill?"
+The giant foamed to hear him scoffing at that rate, though
+he plunged from place to place in the moat. Jack at length
+got a cart rope, and cast it over the giant's two heads with
+a slip knot, and, by the help of horses, he dragged him out
+again, nearly strangled. Before he would let him loose, he
+cut off both his heads with his sword of sharpness, in the
+view of all the assembly of knights and ladies, who gave a
+shout when they saw the giant despatched. Then, before
+he would either eat or drink, he sent these heads also to the
+court of King Arthur.</p>
+
+<p>After some mirth and pastime, Jack, taking leave of the
+noble knights and ladies, set off in search of new adventures.
+Through many woods and groves he passed, till,
+coming to the foot of a high mountain late at night, he
+knocked at the door of a lonesome house, at which a man,
+with a head as white as snow, arose and let him in.</p>
+
+<p>"Father," said Jack, "have you any entertainment for a
+benighted traveller that has lost his way?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the old man; "if thou wilt accept of such as my
+poor cottage afford, thou shalt be welcome." Jack returned
+him thanks. They sat together, and the old man began to
+discourse as follows&mdash;"Son, I am sensible thou art the
+great conqueror of giants, and it is in thy power to free this
+place; for there is an enchanted castle kept by a monstrous
+giant, named Galligantus, who, by the help of a conjurer,
+betrays knights and ladies into this strong castle, where, by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>
+magic art, they are transformed into sundry shapes; but,
+above all, I lament the misfortune of a duke's daughter,
+whom they fetched from her father's garden, carrying her
+through the air in a charion drawn by fiery dragons. She
+was immediately transformed into the shape of a white
+hind. Many knights have endeavoured to break the
+enchantment for her deliverance, yet none could accomplish
+it, by reason of two griffins, who are at the entrance of the
+castle gate, who destroy them as they see them; but you,
+being furnished with an invisible coat, may pass them
+undiscovered, where, on the gates of the castle, you will
+find engraven in characters the means the enchantment
+may be broken."</p>
+
+<p>Jack gave him his hand, with a promise that in the
+morning he would break the enchantment and free the lady.</p>
+
+<p>Having refreshed themselves with a morsel of meat, they
+laid down to rest. In the morning Jack arose, and put
+on his invisible coat, his cap of knowledge, and shoes of
+swiftness, and so prepared himself for the dangerous
+enterprise.</p>
+
+<p>Now, when he had ascended the mountain he discovered
+the two fiery griffins. He passed between them, for they
+could not see him by reason of his invisible coat. When he
+had got beyond them, he found upon the gate a golden
+trumpet, hung in a chain of fine silver, under which were
+engraven&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">"Whoever shall this trumpet blow</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Shall soon the giant overthrow,</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;And break the black enchantment straight,</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;So all shall be in happy state."</span>
+</div></div>
+<p><br /></p>
+<p>Jack had no sooner read this inscription, but he blew the
+trumpet, at which the foundation of the castle trembled,
+and the giant, with the conjurer, were tearing their
+hair, knowing their wicked reign was at an end. At
+which time the giant was stooping to take up his club;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span>
+Jack, at one blow with his sword of sharpness, cut off his
+head. The conjurer mounted into the air, and was carried
+away by a whirlwind. Thus was the enchantment broken,
+and every knight and lady who had been transformed into
+birds and beasts returned to their proper shapes, and the
+castle, though it seemed to be of a vast strength and
+bigness, vanished away like a cloud, whereon universal joy
+appeared among the released knights and ladies. This
+being done, the head of Galligantus was conveyed to the
+court of King Arthur the next day. Having refreshed the
+knights and ladies at the old man's habitation, Jack set
+forward to the court of King Arthur with those knights and
+ladies whom he delivered.</p>
+
+<p>Coming to his Majesty, his fame rung through the
+court, and; as a reward of his services, the duke bestowed
+his daughter in marriage to Jack. The whole kingdom
+was filled with joy at the wedding; after which the
+king bestowed upon him a noble house, with a large estate,
+where he and his lady passed their days in great joy and
+happiness.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES</h2>
+
+<h5>AND HIS</h5>
+
+<h1>WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY</h1>
+
+<h5>WHICH BEGAN</h5>
+
+<div class="center">The very next Morning after their Marriage.</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>An Account of Simon's Wedding, and his Wife's
+Behaviour the Day after their Marriage.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Simon, the subject of our ensuing discourse, was a man
+very unfortunate many years after marriage, not only by
+crosses, but by the cruelty of Margery his severe wife&mdash;his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span>
+wedding day being the best he saw in seven years after,
+for then he had all his friends about him. Rough Ralph
+the Fiddler and Will the Piper were appointed to make him
+and his guests merry.</p>
+
+<p>Singing, dancing, and good feasting attended the day,
+which being ended, this loving couple went to bed, where
+their friends all left them.</p>
+
+<p>But the morning was ushered in with a mighty storm,
+only because Simon put on his roast-meat clothes.</p>
+
+<p>Thus she began the matter&mdash;"Why, how now, pray, and
+what is to-day, that you must put on your holiday clothes,
+with a pye-crust to you? What do you intend to do, say
+you, tell me quickly."</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing," said Simon, "but to walk abroad with you,
+sweet wife, as it is common on the day after marriage."</p>
+
+<p>"No, no," said Margery, "this must not, nor shall not be.
+It is very well known that I have brought you a very considerable
+fortune&mdash;forty shillings in money, and a good
+milch cow, four fat wethers, with half a dozen ewes and
+lambs; likewise, geese, hens, and turkeys; also a sow and
+pigs, with other moveables, worth more than any of your
+crook-back generation is able to give you. And do you
+think you shall lead as lewd a life now as you did before
+you married; but if you do, then say my name is not
+Margery. Now I've got you in the bands of matrimony I
+will make you know what it is to be married; therefore, to
+work you rascal, and take care that what I brought is not
+consumed; for, if you do not, what will become of your wife
+and children?"</p>
+
+<p>Now, Simon looked liked one that had neither sense nor
+reason, but stood amazed, as if there had been a whole army
+of Billingsgate shrews. However, recollecting what he had
+heard about scolds, he muttered to himself, "Udswagers, I
+think I have got a woeful one now."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that you say, sirrah?" said she.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Nothing, dear wife, but what you say I allow to be true."</p>
+
+<p>And so, taking his bag and bottle, he went forward to his
+daily labour: but, coming towards the lower end of the
+town, he chanced to meet old Jobson, a cobbler, a merry
+blade, who loved a cup of good ale.</p>
+
+<p>"What! honest Simon," said Jobson, "I am glad to see
+you, for since our last meeting I hear you are married, and
+now I wish thee much happiness."</p>
+
+<p>Now, old Jobson, being a merry fellow, invited Simon to
+take a flaggon of the best liquor that the next ale-house
+would afford, and there to drink to Margery's health.</p>
+
+<p>Being merry in discourse, talking of the tricks and pranks
+they had played when bachelors.</p>
+
+<p>Jobson, taking up the flaggon in his hand, said, "Come,
+here's to thee, honest Simon, and I wish thee better luck
+than Randal, thy old father-in-law, had with his wife; for
+she was such a scold that happy were they who lived out
+of the clamour of her noise. But without doubt thy dear
+wife may be of a milder spirit, and have more of her father's
+meekness than her mother's fury in her; but come, Simon,
+here's to thee and to thy dearly-beloved Margery."</p>
+
+<p>Cries Simon, "If she was present how merry we should
+be; but, I fear, on the wrong side of the mouth."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Jobson, "I vow I long to see her; and I
+verily believe she would be as glad to see me. I dare to
+say she will prove a very good wife."</p>
+
+<p>"Truly, neighbour Jobson, I don't know; but if I have
+no better ending than beginning, I wish I had ended my
+life at the plough tail."</p>
+
+<p>No sooner were these words out of his mouth but in
+comes Margery, with her gossips, whom Simon wished to
+see, forsooth. He wished her much joy, but Margery, in a
+woeful fury, snatched up Jobson's oaken staff from off the
+table, and gave poor Simon such a clank upon the noddle
+which made the blood spin out, saying, "Is this your work,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span>
+sirrah?" Jobson, seeing so sudden an alteration, was
+affrighted, not knowing how to escape.</p>
+
+<p>She then turned about to the left, saying, "Thou rogue
+and rascal, it is you that ruins all the good women's husbands
+in the town; therefore you shall not go unrewarded," giving
+him such strokes over his back and shoulders as caused
+poor Jobson to lay in bed almost a fortnight.</p>
+
+<p>Simple Simon all this while not having any power to run
+away, but stood like one half frighted out of his wits, and
+trembling before his bride, with his hat in one hand and
+the flaggon in the other, begging her that she would be
+patient, and he would never offend her any more.</p>
+
+<p>But she gave him a frown, and bid him begone about his
+business, which he immediately did. So then Margery and
+her friendly gossips had the whole apartment to themselves,
+where they sat till they were all as drunk as fish-women.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>She drags him up into the Chimney, and hangs him
+a Smoke-drying.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>At night, when he returned to his own home, Margery, by
+the help of a nap she had taken, was a little restored to her
+senses again; but yet, not forgetting the fault he had committed,
+she invented a new kind of punishment; for, having
+a wide chimney, wherein they used to dry bacon, she, taking
+him at a disadvantage, tied him hand and foot, bound him
+in a basket, and, by the help of a rope, drew him up to the
+beam in the chimney, and left him there to take his lodging
+the second night after his wedding, with a small, smoky fire
+under him, so that in the morning he almost reezed like to
+a red-herring. But in length of time he prevailed with his
+wife to show him so much pity as to let him down again.</p>
+
+<p>
+"In love release me from this horrid smoke,<br />
+And I will never more my wife provoke;<br />
+She then did yield to let him down from thence,<br />
+And said, 'Be careful of the next offence.'"<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Simon loses a Sack of Corn that he was carrying
+to the Mill to have ground.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Not long after she sent him to the mill with a sack of
+corn, and bade him remember what she said to him, or else
+he should not go unpunished.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Simon, "I hope I shall never offend thee
+any more."</p>
+
+<p>For this promise she gave him a mess of milk, and when
+he had eaten all up he took the sack of corn upon his back,
+and went towards the mill, which stood about two miles
+from the house.</p>
+
+<p>When Simon was got about half way he began to be
+weary, which was the forerunner of a great misfortune, for
+a man riding by, leading an empty horse towards the mill,
+perceived Simon weary of his load, told him he might lay
+it upon his spare horse, to which Simon willingly consented.</p>
+
+<p>The man riding on, Simon could not pace with him, so
+desired him to leave it for him at the mill. He promised
+he would, but never intended to perform his promise.</p>
+
+<p>Simon, thus loosing his sack of corn, knew not how to go
+home, or show his face before his wife, until he got two or
+three of his neighbours to go with him to beg for his pardon,
+and to help to make up the difference between them, which
+they did after a long parley. So that for this crime he
+passed unpunished.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Simon goes to the Market with his Basket of Eggs, breaks
+them all by the Way, and is set in the Stocks.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>But, although he was not punished according to the severe
+correction he had formerly received, yet he did not escape
+the continual railings in his ears for several days after, ever
+and anon she crying out, "You sot, will you never be
+wise?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sweet Margery, dear Margery, I hope I shall some
+time."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says she, "I'll now try you once more. Here,
+take this basket of eggs, and go to the market and sell them,
+but be sure don't break them nor spend the money, for if
+you do, sorrow will be your sops, and you may expect to
+feel the weight of my hands more than ever you have done
+before."</p>
+
+<p>At which harsh words he trembled much, and looked as
+white as his dear Margery's shift, for fear that he should
+miscarry with his basket of eggs, for he well knew that his
+wife would be sure to be as good as her promise.</p>
+
+<p>Then Simon, taking his basket of eggs, trudged away to
+the market, but was no sooner come there than, seeing a vast
+crowd of people, he was resolved to see what was the matter.</p>
+
+<p>When he came to the place he found that two butter-women
+had fallen out, and to that degree that they had
+taken one another by the que of their hair, and their fillets
+all flying about their ears; which Simon seeing he was
+moved with compassion, and ran to part them, but in vain;
+poor Simon was still unfortunate, and came off with a great
+loss, for one of the women pushed him down and broke
+his eggs.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Simon was now almost distracted to see the ground,
+but whether it was the fear of the anger of his wife, or
+whether it was courage, thus it was, Simon ran in amongst
+them, and resolved to be revenged on them for the loss of
+his eggs.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst they were in the fray the constable came, and,
+supposing them drunk, gave orders that they should all be
+set in the stocks together&mdash;Simon in the middle, and the
+women on each side&mdash;which was accordingly done; but they
+rang such a peal in Simon's ears that he was deaf for a
+fortnight after.</p>
+
+<p>Being released, he ventured home again, dreading the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span>
+impending storm; but this was his comfort in the midst of
+all his hard fortune, that, though he might feel the force of
+her blows, still he would be deaf to her noise, being stunned
+by the women in the stocks.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Simon's Wife Cudgels him severely
+for losing his Money.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>At length Simon coming home he met with his beloved
+wife Margery, who, seeing his dejected countenance, she
+began to mistrust something, and so, taking hold of his arm,
+she hauled him in for examination.</p>
+
+<p>When Simon saw this he could not forbear weeping, and
+began to tell her a dismal story concerning the stocks; but
+she wanted the money for the eggs; but Simon, being deaf,
+could not hear her, which made her fall on him with such
+fury that he was obliged to run up stairs and jump out of
+the chamber window, which, when she saw, she followed
+him down the town, with a hundred boys and girls after
+them, Simon still crying out to the people, "You may see
+what it is to be married."</p>
+
+<p>And her tone was, "You rascal; the money for my eggs,"
+often giving him a crack on the crown.</p>
+
+<p>At length it was his good hap to get away from her.</p>
+
+<p>Night drawing on, and Simon not having one penny to help
+himself, was forced to make the best of a bad bargain,
+resolved for to lodge that night in a hog-stye amongst the
+swine.</p>
+
+<p>And so the next morning, in the presence of some of his
+dearest friends, he begged pardon on his knees of his sweet,
+kind, and loving wife, Margery.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Simon loses his Wife's Pail, and at the same time burns
+out the Bottom of her Kettle.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Margery, being reconciled again on his humble petition,
+she charged him to be careful for the future that he did not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span>
+offend her as he had done before, which he promised to
+observe. "Then, Simon," said she, "I am this day to go to
+a gossiping, and shall leave you at home to make a fire
+and hang on the kettle."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sweet wife."</p>
+
+<p>Now, Margery was no sooner gone but he made a fire and
+hung on the kettle. Then, taking the pail, he goes to the
+well to fetch some water, when there came an ox running
+down, and a butcher and his boy close after him, who called
+out to Simon to stop the ox, which he endeavoured to do,
+but the ox, giving them the slip, Simon ran in pursuit of
+him for the space of three or four miles, and, having secured
+him, the butcher gave him many thanks for his kindness.</p>
+
+<p>So Simon returned back to the well, but his pail was lost,
+and he made sad lamentation for it, inquiring about it, but
+could not hear nothing of it; and as the old proverb says,
+"One sorrow never comes alone," for on going in doors the
+fire was flaming, and the bottom of the kettle was quite
+burnt out.</p>
+
+<p>At the sight of this he fell to wringing his hands and
+crying out with a lamentable tone; "None was so unfortunate
+as poor Simon. What shall I say to my wife when
+she comes? First, I have lost my pail; and, second, I have
+let the bottom of the kettle be burnt out. Here will be a
+sad reckoning for these misfortunes."</p>
+
+<p>Just in the middle of these lamentations in comes Margery,
+who, having heard him, came armed and fitted for the
+fray.</p>
+
+<p>"How now, sirrah," said she, "has this been the care you
+promised of my business?" and with that let fly an earthen
+pot at his head, which caused the blood to run about his
+ears.</p>
+
+<p>This done, she took him by the collar, and cuft him about
+the kitchen at a most terrible rate, Simon crying for mercy,
+but cruel Margery still increased his misery, till the neigh<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span>bours
+came, persuading Margery to be satisfied, "for," said
+they, "it was but a mischance."</p>
+
+<p>"A rascal," said she, "for I can set him about nothing,
+but thus he serves me."</p>
+
+<p>They still interceded for Simon, until at length she
+excused him.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Simon's Wife sends him to buy Soap, but, going over a
+Bridge, he lets his Money fall into the River;
+and of a Ragman's running away with his Clothes.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Margery, calling Simon to her, said, "Will you never be
+careful in anything I set you about?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear wife, I hope I shall."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, then," said she, "take this money. I have tied
+it in a clout, that you may not lose it. Therefore, go you
+to the market, and make all the haste you can, and get me
+some soap."</p>
+
+<p>"I will, sweet wife," quoth he, and with that he went as
+fast as he could.</p>
+
+<p>Now, on his way he was to pass over a bridge, and,
+coming to the middle of it, a flight of crows flew over his
+head, which so frightened him that he let fall his money.</p>
+
+<p>This was the beginning of a new sorrow. He stood
+awhile, and knew not what course to take. At length he
+resolved to pull off his clothes and jump into the water
+and search for it. Now, as he was searching for his money,
+an old ragman came by, and put his clothes into a bag.</p>
+
+<p>Simon, seeing this, pursued him, but in vain, and was
+forced to return home naked, which his wife seeing fell in
+a most horrible sweat, and, taking the dog-whip, she so
+jerked poor Simon about, making him to dance the canaries
+for two hours, till he cried out, "Good wife, forbear!" but
+she cried out, "You rascal! where is my money, and your
+clothes?" Thus she continued until she was tired, and he
+heartily begged her pardon.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>THE ADVENTURES</h2>
+
+<h5>OF</h5>
+
+<h1>BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,</h1>
+
+<h5>WHO WAS FOR MORE THAN FORTY YEARS</h5>
+
+<h2>KING OF THE BEGGARS.</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Carew's Boyhood. And how he
+became a Gipsy.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew was the son of a clergyman
+near Tiverton, in Devonshire, and born in 1693. He was
+tall and majestic, his limbs strong and well-proportioned,
+his features regular, and his countenance open and ingenious,
+bearing the resemblance of a good-natured mind. At twelve
+years old he was put to Tiverton school, where he soon got
+a considerable knowledge of the Latin and Greek tongues, so
+as to be fitted for the University, that in due time he might
+be fitted for the church, for which his father designed him;
+but here a new exercise engaged his attention, namely, that
+of hunting, in which he soon made a prodigious progress.
+The Tiverton scholars had command of a fine cry of hounds,
+which gave Carew a frequent opportunity of exercising his
+beloved employment, and getting acquainted with John
+Martin, Thomas Coleman, and John Escott, young gentlemen
+of the best rank and fortune. One day a farmer came to the
+school and complained of a deer, with a collar round its
+neck, that he had seen running through his grounds, and
+had done him much damage, desiring them to hunt it down
+and kill it. They, wishing for no better sport, on the next<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span>
+day put the old farmer's request into execution, in doing of
+which they did much damage to the neighbouring grounds,
+whose owners, together with Colonel Nutcombe, to whom
+the deer belonged, came and complained to the schoolmaster
+of the injuries they had suffered by his scholars; they were
+very severely reprimanded and hard threatened for the same.
+The resentment of the present reproof and the fear of future
+chastisement made them abscond from the school; and going
+into a brick ale-house, about half a mile from Tiverton, there
+they accidentally fell in company with some gipsies, who
+were then feasting and carousing. This company consisted
+of seventeen, who were met on purpose for festivity and
+jollity; which, by plenty of meat, fowl, flowing cups of beer,
+cider, etc., they seemed to enjoy to their hearts' content. In
+short, the freedom, mirth, and pleasure that appeared among
+them, invited our youngsters to enlist into their company;
+which, on communicating to the gipsies, they would not believe
+them, as thinking they jested; but on tarrying with
+them all night and continuing in the same mind next morning,
+they at length thought them serious and encouraged
+them; and, after going through the requisite ceremonials
+and administering to them the proper oath, they admitted
+them into their number.</p>
+
+<p>The reader will, no doubt, wonder to hear of the ceremonials
+and oaths among gipsies and beggars, but that will
+cease on being informed, that these people are subject to a
+form of government and laws peculiar to themselves, and
+pay due obedience to one who is styled their king; to which
+honour Carew in a short time arrived, after having by many
+acts proved himself worthy of it. The substance of them is
+this&mdash;Strong love and mutual regard for each member in
+particular, and the whole community in general; which,
+being taught them in their infancy, grows up with them,
+prevents oppression, frauds, and over-reaching one another,
+which is common among other people, and tends to the very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span>
+worst of evils. This happiness and temper of mind so
+wrought on Carew as to occasion the strongest attachment
+to them for forty years, refusing very large offers that had
+been made to him to quit their society.</p>
+
+<p>Being thus initiated into the ancient society of gipsies,
+who take their name from Egypt&mdash;a place well known to
+abound in learning, and the inhabitants of which country
+travel about from place to place to communicate knowledge
+to mankind&mdash;Carew did not long continue in it before he
+was consulted in important matters; particularly Madam
+Musgrove, of Monkton, near Taunton, hearing of his fame,
+sent for him to consult him in an affair of difficulty. When
+he was come, she informed him that she suspected a large
+quantity of money was buried somewhere about her house,
+and if he would acquaint her with the particular place, she
+would handsomly reward him. Carew consulted the secrets
+of his art on this occasion, and, after a long study, he informed
+the lady that under a laurel tree in the garden lay
+the treasure she sought for; but that she must not seek it
+till such a day and hour. The lady rewarded him with
+twenty guineas; but, whether Carew mistook his calculations
+or the lady mistook her lucky hour, we cannot tell,
+but truth obliges us to say, the lady having dug below the
+root of the laurel tree she could not find the treasure.</p>
+
+<p>When he was further initiated, he was consulted in important
+matters and met with better success; generally
+giving satisfaction by his wise and sagacious answers. In
+the meantime his parents sorrowed after him, as one that
+was no more, having advertised him in all the public papers
+and sent messengers after him to almost every part of the
+kingdom; till about a year and a half afterwards, when
+Carew, hearing of their grief, and being struck with tenderness
+thereat, repaired to his father's house. He was so
+disguised they did not know him, but when they did their
+joy was beyond expressing, tenderly embracing him, bedew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span>ing
+his cheeks with tears and kisses, and all his friends and
+neighbours showed every demonstration of joy at his return.
+His parents did everything to render home agreeable to him;
+but the uncommon pleasure he had enjoyed in the community
+he had left, their simplicity, freedom, sincerity, mirth, and
+frequent change of habitation, and the secret presages of the
+honour he has since arrived at, sickened and palled all other
+diversions, and at last prevailed over his filial duty, for one
+day, without taking leave of his friends or parents, he went
+back to them again, where he was heartily welcomed, both
+to his own and their satisfaction, they being glad to regain
+one who was likely to become so useful a member of their
+community.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Carew's First Adventure in his New Profession.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Carew being again initiated among them, at the first
+general assembly of the gipsies, took the oaths of allegiance
+to their sovereign, by whom he was soon sent out on a cruise
+against their enemies. Carew now set his wits to work how
+to succeed: so equipping himself with an old pair of trousers,
+a piece of a jacket, just enough to cover his nakedness,
+stockings full of holes, and an old cap, he forgot both friends
+and family and became nothing more or less than an unfortunate
+shipwrecked seaman. In this, his first excursion,
+he gained much credit, artfully imitating passes and certificates
+that were necessary for him to travel unmolested.
+After a month's travel he happened to meet with his old
+school-fellow Coleman, who had once left the gipsies'
+society, but, for the same reason as himself, returned to them
+again. Great was their joy at meeting, and they agreed to
+travel some time together; so entering Exeter, they, in one
+day, raised a contribution of several pounds.</p>
+
+<p>Having obtained all he could from this stratagem, he then
+became a plain, honest farmer, whose grounds had been overflowed,
+and cattle drowned; his dejected countenance and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span>
+mournful tale, together with a wife and seven helpless infants
+being partakers of his misfortunes, gained him both
+pity and profit.</p>
+
+<p>Having obtained a considerable booty by these two stratagems,
+he returned to his companions, where he was received
+with great applause; and, as a mark of their respect, seated
+him next the king. He soon became a great man in the
+profession and confined not himself from doing good to
+others, when it did not infringe upon the community of
+which he was a member.</p>
+
+<p>His next stratagem was to become a madman; so stripping
+himself quite naked, he threw a blanket over him and then
+he was, "Poor mad Tom, whom the foul fiend had led through
+fire and through flame; through fire and whirlpool, over
+bog and quagmire; that hath laid knives under his pillow,
+and halters in his pew; set ratsbane for his porridge, and
+made him proud at heart to ride on a bay trotting-horse
+over four-inch bridges; to curse his own shadow for a traitor;
+who eats the swimming-frog, the toad, the tadpole, the wall-newt,
+and the water-newt; that in the fury of his heart,
+when the foul fiend rages, swallows the old rat and ditch
+dog; drinks the green mantle of the standing pool:</p>
+
+<p>
+And mice and rats, and such like gear,<br />
+Have been Tom's food for seven long year.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"O do de, do de, do de! bless thee! from whirlwind, star-blasting,
+and taking! Do poor Tom some charity, whom
+the foul fiend vexes. There I could have him now&mdash;and
+there!&mdash;and there!&mdash;and here again!&mdash;and there!&mdash;Through
+the sharp hawthorn blows the cold wind&mdash;Tom's a cold!&mdash;who
+gives anything to poor Tom?"</p>
+
+<p>In this character, with such like expressions, he entered
+the houses of both small and great, claiming kindred to them,
+and committing all kinds of frantic actions, such as beating
+himself, offering to eat coals of fire, running against the wall,
+and tearing to pieces whatever garments were given to him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span>
+to cover his nakedness; by which means he raised considerable
+contributions.</p>
+
+<p>He never was more happy than when he was engaged in
+some adventure; therefore he was always very diligent to
+inquire when any accident happened, especially fire, to which
+he would immediately repair, and, getting information of the
+causes, names, trades, and circumstances of the unhappy
+sufferers, he would assume one of them, and burning some
+part of his clothes, by way of demonstration, run to some
+place distant, pass for one of them, gain credit and get much
+profit. Under this character he had once the boldness to
+address a justice, who was the terror and professed enemy to
+all the gipsies, yet he so well managed the affair, that in a
+long examination he made him believe he was an honest
+miller, whose house, mill and substance had been consumed
+by fire, occasioned by the negligence of the apprentice; and
+accordingly, got a bountiful sum for his relief, the justice
+not in the least suspecting a defraud.</p>
+
+<p>He had such wonderful facility in every character he
+assumed, that he even deceived those who thought themselves
+so well acquainted with him, that it was impossible
+for him to impose on them.</p>
+
+<p>Coming one day to Squire Portman's house at Blandford,
+in the character of a rat-catcher, with a hair cap on his head,
+a buff girdle about his waste, a little box by his side, and a
+tame rat in his hand, he goes boldly up to the house, where
+he had been well known before, and meeting the squire,
+Parson Bryant, and one Mr. Pleydell, of Milbourn, and some
+other gentlemen, he asked them if they had any rats to kill.
+"Do you understand the business well?" says the squire.
+"Yes, an please your honour," replied Carew, "I have been
+a rat-catcher for many years, and I have been employed in
+his majesty's yards and ships." "Well," says the squire,
+"go in and get some vituals, and after dinner we will try
+your abilities." He was accordingly called into the parlour,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span>
+where were a large company of gentlemen and ladies.
+"Well, honest rat-catcher," says the squire, "can you lay any
+scheme to kill the rats without hurting my dogs?" "Yes,
+yes," cries Carew, "I can lay it where even the rats cannot
+climb to reach it." "What countryman are you?" "A
+Devonshire man, an please your honour." "What is your
+name?" Here our hero began to perceive that he was discovered,
+by the smilings and whisperings of several gentlemen,
+and he very composedly answered, "My name is
+Bamfylde Moore Carew." This occasioned much mirth,
+and Mr. Pleydell expressed extraordinary pleasure. He
+had often wished to see him but never had. "Yes, you
+have," replied Carew, "and given me a suit of clothes. Do
+you not remember meeting a poor wretch one day at your
+stable door, with a stocking round his head, an old mantle
+over his shoulders, without shirt, stockings, or scarce any
+shoes, who told you he was a poor unfortunate man, cast
+away upon the coast, with sixteen more of the crew who
+were all drowned; you, believing the story, generously relieved
+me with a guinea and a good suit of clothes." "I
+well remember it," said Mr. Pleydell, "but, on this discovery,
+it is impossible to deceive me so again, come in whatever
+shape you will." The company blamed him for thus boasting,
+and secretly prevailed upon Carew to put his art in
+practice to convince him of the fallacy thereof: to which he
+agreed, and in a few days after appointing the company present
+to be at Mr. Pleydell's house, he put the following scheme
+into execution.</p>
+
+<p>He shaved himself closely, and clothed himself in an old
+woman's apparel, with a high-crowned hat, and a large
+dowdy under his chin; then, taking three children from
+among his fraternity, he tied two on his back and one under
+his arm. Thus accoutred, he comes to Mr. Pleydell's door,
+and pinching one of the brats, set it a roaring; this gave the
+alarm to the dogs, who came out with open mouths, so that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span>
+the whole company was soon alarmed. Out came the maid
+saying, "Carry away the children, good woman, they disturb
+the ladies." "God bless their ladyships," said Carew,
+"I am the poor unfortunate grandmother of these helpless
+infants, whose mother and all they had were burnt at the
+dreadful fire at Kirkton, and hope the good ladies, for
+Heaven's sake, will bestow something on the poor, famishing,
+starving infants." In goes the maid with this affecting
+story to the ladies, while Carew keeps pinching the children
+to make them cry, and the maid soon returned with half-a-crown
+and some good broth, which he thankfully received,
+and went into the court-yard to sit down and sup them, as
+perceiving the gentlemen were not at home. He had not
+long been there before they came, when one of them
+accosted him thus&mdash;"Where do you come from, old
+woman?" "From Kirkton, please your honours," said he,
+"where the poor unhappy mother of these helpless infants
+was burnt in the flames and all she had consumed."
+"There has been more money collected for Kirkton than
+ever Kirkton was worth," said the gentleman. However,
+they gave the supposed old grandmother a shilling, commiserating
+the hard case of her and her poor helpless infants,
+which he thankfully received, pretending to go away; but
+the gentlemen were hardly got into the house, before their
+ears were suddenly saluted with a "tantivy, tantivy," and a
+"halloo" to the dogs; on which they turned about, supposing
+it to be some other sportsmen; but seeing nobody, they
+imagined it to be Carew, in the disguise of the old Kirkton
+grandmother; so bidding the servants fetch him back, he
+was brought into the parlour among them all, and confessed
+himself to be the famous Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew,
+to the astonishmet and mirth of them all; who well
+rewarded him for the diversion he had afforded them.</p>
+
+<p>In like manner he raised a contribution twice in one day
+of Mr. Jones, near Bristol. In the morning, with a sooty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span>
+face, leather apron, a dejected countenance, and a woollen
+cap, he was generously relieved as an unfortunate blacksmith,
+whose all had been consumed by fire. In the afternoon
+he exchanged his legs for crutches, and, with a dejected
+countenance, pale face, and every sign of pain, he became a
+disabled tinner, incapable of maintaining a wife and seven
+small children, by the damps and hardships he had suffered
+in the mines; and so well acted his part, that the tinner got
+as well relieved in the afternoon as the blacksmith in the
+morning.</p>
+
+<p>These successful stratagems gained him high applause
+and honour in the community of gipsies. He soon became
+the favourite of their king, who was very old and decrepid,
+and had always some honourable mark of distinction assigned
+him at their assemblies.</p>
+
+<p>Being one morning near the seat of his good friend, Sir
+William Courtney, he was resolved to pay him three visits
+that day. He therefore puts on a parcel of rags, and goes to
+him with a piteous, mean, dismal countenance, and deplorable
+tale, and got half-a-crown from him, telling him he had
+met with great misfortunes at sea. At noon he puts on a
+leather apron scorched with fire, and with a dejected countenance
+goes to him again, and was relieved as an unfortunate
+shoemaker, who had been burnt out of his house and all he
+had. In the afternoon he goes again in trimmed clothes, and
+desiring admittance to Sir William, with a modest grace
+and submissive eloquence, he repeats his misfortunes, as the
+supercargo of a vessel which had been cast away and his
+whole effects lost.</p>
+
+<p>Sir William, seeing his genteel appearance and behaviour,
+treated him with respect and gave him a guinea at his departure.
+There were several gentlemen at dinner with Sir
+William at that time, none of whom had any knowledge of
+him except the Rev. Mr. Richards, who did not discover
+him till he was gone; upon which a servant was despatched<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span>
+to desire him to come back, which he did; and when he
+entered the room they were very merry with him and requested
+him to give an account how he got his fine clothes,
+and of his stratagems, with the success of them. He asked
+Sir William if he had not given half-a-crown in the morning
+to a beggar, and about noon relieved a poor unfortunate shoemaker.
+"I did," said Sir William. "Behold him before
+you," said Carew, "in this fine embroidered coat, as a broken
+merchant." The company would not believe him; so to convince
+them, he re-assumed those characters again, to their
+no small mirth and satisfaction.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Carew made King of the Beggars.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>On the death of the king of the gipsies, named Clause
+Patch, our hero was a candidate to succeed him, and exhibited
+to the electors a long list of bold and ingenious
+stratagems which he had executed, and made so graceful
+and majestic an appearance in his person, that he had a
+considerable majority of voices, though there were ten
+candidates for the same honour; on which he was declared
+duly elected and hailed by the whole assembly&mdash;King of
+the Gipsies. The public register of their acts being immediately
+committed to his care, and homage done him by
+all the assembly, the whole concluded by rejoicings.</p>
+
+<p>Though Mr. Carew was now privileged, by the dignity of
+his office, from going on any cruise, and was provided with
+everything necessary by the joint contribution of the community,
+yet he did not give himself up to indolence. Our
+hero, though a king, was as active in his stratagems as ever,
+and ready to encounter any difficulty which seemed to promise
+success.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Carew being in the town of South Molton, in Devonshire,
+and having been ill-used by an officer there called
+the bellman, resolved on the following stratagem by way of
+revenge. It was at that time reported that a gentleman of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span>
+the town, lately buried, walked nightly in the churchyard;
+and as the bellman was obliged by his nightly duty to go
+through it just at the very hour of one, Mr. Carew repaired
+thither a little before the time, and stripping in his shirt,
+lay down upon the gentleman's grave. Soon after, hearing
+the bellman approach, he raised himself up with a solemn
+slowness, which the bellman beholding, by the glimmerings
+of the moon through a dark cloud, was terribly frightened,
+so took to his heels and ran away. In his fright he looked
+behind him, and seeing the ghost following him, dropped his
+bell and ran the faster; which Carew seized on as a trophy,
+and forbore any further pursuit. The bellman did not stop
+till he reached home, where he obstinately affirmed he had
+seen the gentleman's ghost, who had taken away the bell,
+which greatly alarmed the whole town.</p>
+
+<p>Coming to the seat of Squire Rhodes, in Devonshire,
+and knowing he had lately married a Dorsetshire lady, he
+thought proper to become a Dorsetshire man of Lyme, the
+place of the lady's nativity; and meeting the squire and his
+bride, he gave them to understand that he was lost in a
+vessel belonging to Lyme, Captain Courtney, commander.
+The squire and his lady gave him half-a-crown each, for
+country sake, and entertained him at their house.</p>
+
+<p>Our hero, exercising his profession at Milbury, where the
+squire's father lived, and to whom the son was come on a
+visit, Mr. Carew made application to him, and knocking at
+the door, on its being opened, saw the young squire sitting
+alone, whom Mr. Rhodes interrupted by saying he "was twice
+in one day imposed on by that rogue Carew, of whose gang
+you may likely be: besides, I do not live here, but am a
+stranger." In the meantime comes the old squire, with a
+bottle of wine in his hand, giving Carew a wink to let him
+understand he knew him, and then very gravely inquired
+into the circumstances of his misfortunes, and also of the
+affairs and inhabitants of Dartmouth, from whence he pretended<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span>
+to have sailed several times, of all which he gave a
+full and particular account, whereupon the old squire gave
+him half-a-crown, and the young one the same; on which
+Carew and the old man burst into laughter, and discovered
+the whole affair, at which Squire Rhodes was a little
+chagrined at being imposed on a third time; but, on recollecting
+the expertness of the performer, was well satisfied, and
+they spent the remainder of the day in mirth and jollity.</p>
+
+<p>At Bristol he dressed himself like a poor mechanic, and then
+going out into the streets, acted the religious madman, talking
+in a raving manner about Messrs. Whitfield and Wesley,
+as though he was disordered in his mind by their preaching;
+calling in a furious manner, every step, upon the Virgin
+Mary, Pontius Pilate, and Mary Magdalene, and acting
+every part of a man religiously mad; sometimes walking
+with his eyes fixed upon the ground, and then on a sudden
+he would break out in some passionate expressions about
+religion. This behaviour greatly excited the curiosity and
+compassion of the people; some of them talked to him, but
+he answered everything they said in a wild and incoherent
+manner; and, as compassion is generally the forerunner of
+charity, he was relieved by most of them.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning he appeared in a morning gown, still acting
+the madman, and addressed himself to all the posts of the
+street, as if they were saints, lifting up his hands and eyes
+to heaven, in a fervent but distracted manner, and making
+use of so many extravagant gestures, that he astonished the
+whole city. Going through Castle Street he met the Rev.
+Mr. Bone, whom he accosted with his arms thrown around
+him, and insisted, in a raving manner, he should tell him
+who was the father of the morning star; which frightened
+the parson so much, that he took to his heels and ran for it,
+Carew running after him, till the parson was obliged to take
+shelter in a house.</p>
+
+<p>Having well recruited his pocket by this stratagem, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span>
+left Bristol next day, and travelled towards Bath, acting the
+madman all the way till he came to Bath: as soon as he came
+there, he inquired for Dr. Coney's, and being directed to his
+house, found two brother mendicants at the door. After
+they had waited some time, the servant brought out each of
+them a halfpenny, for which his brother mendicants were
+very thankful. But Carew gave his halfpenny to one of
+them; then knocking at the door, and the maid coming out
+again, "Tell your master," says he, "I am not a halfpenny
+man, but that my name is Bamfylde Moore Carew, king of
+the mendicants;" which being told, the doctor came out
+with one of his daughters and gave him sixpence and a mug
+of drink, for which he returned them thanks.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Carew happening to be in the city of Wells on a
+Sunday, was told the bishop was to preach that morning,
+on which he slipped on a black waistcoat and morning gown,
+and ran out to meet the bishop as he was walking in procession,
+and addressed himself to him as a poor unhappy man,
+whose misfortunes had turned his brains; which the bishop
+hearing gave him half-a-crown.</p>
+
+<p>It was in Newcastle-upon-Tyne that he became enamoured
+with the daughter of Mr. Glady, an eminent apothecary
+and surgeon there. This young lady had charms sufficient
+to captivate the heart of any man susceptible of love; and
+they made so deep an impression upon him, that they wholly
+effaced every object which before had created any desire in
+him, and never permitted any other to raise them afterwards;
+for, wonderful to tell, we have, after about thirty years' enjoyment,
+seen him lament her occasional absence, almost
+with tears, and talk of her with all the fondness of one who
+has been in love with her but three days. Our hero tried
+all love's persuasions with his fair one in an honourable way,
+and, as his person was very engaging and his appearance
+genteel, he did not find her greatly averse to his proposals.
+As he was aware that his being of the community of gipsies<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span>
+might prejudice her against him, without examination, he
+passed with her for the mate of a collier's vessel, in which he
+was supported by Captain Lawn, in whose vessel they set
+sail; and the very winds being willing to favour these
+happy lovers, they had an exceedingly quick passage to
+Dartmouth, where they landed. In a few days they set out
+for Bath, where they lawfully solemnized their nuptials
+with great gaiety and splendour; and nobody at that time
+could conjecture who they were, which was the cause of
+much speculation and false surmises.</p>
+
+<p>Some time after this he took his passage at Folkstone, in
+Kent, for Boulogne, in France, where he arrived safe and
+proceeded to Paris and other noted cities of that kingdom.
+His habit was now tolerably good, his countenance grave,
+his behaviour sober and decent&mdash;pretending to be a Roman
+Catholic, who had left England, his native country, out of an
+ardent zeal for spending his days in the bosom of the Catholic
+church. This story readily gained belief: his zeal was universally
+applauded, and handsome contributions made for
+him. But, at the time he was so zealous a Roman Catholic,
+with a little change of habit, he used to address those English
+he heard of in any place, as a Protestant and shipwrecked seaman;
+and had the good fortune to meet with an English
+physician at Paris, to whom he told this deplorable tale,
+who not only relieved him very handsomely, but recommended
+him to that noble pattern of unexhausted benevolence, Mrs.
+Horner, who was then on her travels, from whom he received
+ten guineas, and from some other company with her five
+more.</p>
+
+<p>It was about this time he became acquainted with the
+Hon. Sir William Weem, in the following manner:&mdash;Being
+at Watchett, in Somersetshire, near the seat of that
+gentleman, he resolved to pay him a visit. Putting on,
+therefore, a jacket and a pair of trousers, he made the best
+of his way to Sir William's seat, and luckily met Sir William,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span>
+Lord Bolingbroke, and several other gentlemen and clergy,
+with some commanders of vessels, walking in the park.
+Carew approached Sir William with a great deal of seeming
+fearfulness and respect, and with much modesty acquainted
+him he was a Silverton man, that he was the son of one of
+his tenants named Moore&mdash;had been to Newfoundland, and
+in his passage homeward, the vessel was run down by a
+French ship in a fog, and only he and two more were
+saved; but being put on board an Irish vessel, were carried
+into Ireland, and from thence landed at Watchett. Sir
+William hearing this, asked him a great many questions
+concerning the inhabitants of Silverton, who were most of
+them his own tenants, and of the principal gentlemen in the
+neighbourhood; all whom Carew was well acquainted with
+and therefore gave satisfactory answers. Sir William at
+last asked him if he knew Bickley, and if he knew the
+parson thereof. Carew replied that he knew him very well,
+and so indeed he might as it was no other than his own
+father. Sir William then inquired what family he had, and
+whether he had not a son named Bamfylde, and what became
+of him. "Your honour," replied he, "means the beggar
+and dog-stealer&mdash;I don't know what has become of him, but
+it is a wonder if he is not hanged by this time." "No, I
+hope not," replied Sir William, "I should be glad, for his
+family's sake, to see him at my house." Having satisfactorily
+answered many other questions, Sir William generously
+relieved him with a guinea, and Lord Bolingbroke followed
+his example; the other gentlemen and clergy contributed
+according to their different ranks. Sir William then ordered
+him to go to his house and tell the butler to entertain him,
+which he accordingly did, and set himself down with great
+comfort.</p>
+
+<p>Having heard that young Lord Clifford, his first cousin
+(who had just returned from his travels abroad), was at his
+seat at Callington, about four miles from Bridgewater, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span>
+resolved to pay him a visit. In his way thither resided
+parson Carson, who, being one whom nature had made up in
+a hurry without a heart, Mr. Carew had never been able to
+obtain anything off him, even under the most moving
+appearance of distress, but a small cup of drink. Stopping
+now in his way, he found the parson was gone to Lord
+Clifford's; but, being saluted at the door by a fine black
+spaniel, with almost as much crustiness as he would have
+been had his master been at home, he thought himself under
+no stronger obligation of observing the strict laws of honour,
+than the parson did of hospitality; and therefore soon
+charmed the crossness of the spaniel and made him follow
+him to Bridgewater.</p>
+
+<p>Having secured the spaniel and passed the night merrily
+at Bridgewater, he set out the next morning for Lord
+Clifford's, and in his way called upon the parson again,
+who very crustily told him he had lost his dog, and
+supposed some of his gang had stolen him; to which Mr.
+Carew very calmly replied, "What was he to his dog, or
+what was his dog to him? if he would make him drink it
+was well, for he was very dry." At last, with the use of
+much rhetoric, he got a cup of small drink; then, taking
+leave of him, he went to the Red Lion, in the same parish,
+where he stayed some time. In the meantime, down ran the
+parson to my Lord Clifford's, to acquaint him that Mr. Carew
+was in the parish and to advise him to take care of his dogs;
+so that Mr. Carew, coming down immediately after, found a
+servant with one dog in his arms, and another with another,
+here one stood whistling and another calling, and both my
+lord and his brother were running about to seek after their
+favourites.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Carew asked my lord what was the meaning of this
+hurry, and if his dogs were cripples, because he saw several
+carried in the servants' arms, adding, he hoped his lordship
+did not imagine he was come to steal any of them. Upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span>
+which his lordship told him, that parson Carson had advised
+him to be careful, as he had lost his spaniel but the day
+before. "It may be so," replied he, "the parson knows but
+little of me, or the laws of our community, if he is ignorant
+that with us ingratitude is unknown, and the property of
+our friends always sacred." His lordship, hearing this, entertained
+him very handsomely, and both himself and his
+brother made him a present.</p>
+
+<p>On his return home, he reflected how idly he had spent
+the prime of life; and recovering from a severe illness, he
+came to a resolution of resigning the Egyptian sceptre. The
+assembly, finding him determined, reluctantly acquiesced,
+and he departed amidst the applause and sighs of his
+subjects.</p>
+
+<p>Our adventurer, finding the air of the town not rightly to
+agree with him, and the death of some of his relations rendering
+his circumstances quite easy, he retired to the western
+parts, to a neat purchase he had made, and there he ended his
+days, beloved and esteemed by all; leaving his daughter (his
+wife dying some time before him) a genteel fortune, who was
+married to a neighbouring young gentleman.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h5>THE</h5>
+<h2>COMICAL SAYINGS</h2>
+<h5>OF</h5>
+<h1>PADDY FROM CORK</h1>
+<h2>WITH HIS</h2>
+<h3>COAT BUTTONED BEHIND</h3>
+
+<div class="center">Being an Elegant Conference between English Tom and
+Irish Teague;</div>
+<h4>WITH PADDY'S CATECHISM,</h4>
+<div class="center">And his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor.</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Part I.</span></h2>
+
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> GOOD morrow, sir. This is a very cold day.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, yesternight was a very cold
+morning.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, brother traveller, of what nation art thou?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I came from my own kingdom.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Why, I know that; but where is thy kingdom?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Allelieu, dear honey, don't you know Cork in
+Ireland?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> You fool, Cork is not a kingdom, but a city.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Then, dear shoy, I'm sure it is in a kingdom.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what is the reason you have come and left
+your own dear country?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, by Shaint Patrick, they have got
+such comical laws in our country that they will put a man
+to death in perfect health; so, to be free and plain with you,
+neighbour, I was obliged to come away, for I did not choose
+to stay among such a people that can hang a poor man when
+they please, if he either steals, robs, or kills a man.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Ay, but I take you to be more of an honest man
+than to steal, rob, or kill a man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Honest, I am perfectly honest. When I was but a
+child my mother would have trusted me with a house full
+of mill-stones.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What was the matter? Was you guilty of
+nothing?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I did harm to nobody, but
+fancied an old gentleman's gun, and afterwards made it my
+own.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Very well, boy, and did you keep it so?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Keep it? I would have kept it with all my heart
+while I lived. Death itself could not have parted us; but
+the old rogue, the gentleman, being a justice of peace himself,
+had me tried for the rights of it, and how I came by it,
+and so took it again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you clear yourself without punishment?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I told him a parcel of lies, but they
+would not believe me, for I said that I got it from my father
+when it was a little pistol, and I had kept it till it had
+grown a gun, and was designed to use it well until it had
+grown a big cannon, and then sell it to the military. They
+all fell a-laughing at me as I had been a fool, and bade me
+go home to my mother and clean the potatoes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> How long is it since you left your own country?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I do not mind whether it be a
+fortnight or four months; but I think myself it is a long
+time. They tell me my mother is dead since, but I won't
+believe it until I get a letter from her own hand, for she is
+a very good scholar, suppose she can neither write nor read.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Was you ever in England before?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, that I was, and in Scotland too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And were they kind to you when you were in
+Scotland?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> They were that kind that they kicked me, and the
+reason was because I would not pay the whole of the liquor
+that was drunk in the company, though the landlord and
+his two sons got mouthful about of it all, and I told them
+it was a trick upon travellers first to drink his liquor, and
+then to kick him out of doors.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> I really think they have used you badly, but could
+you not beat them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> That's what I did, beat them all to their own contentment;
+but there was one of them stronger than me who
+would have killed me if the other two had not pulled me
+away, and I had to run for it till his passion was over.
+Then they made us drink and gree again; we shook hands,
+and made a bargain never to harm other more; but this
+bargain did not last long, for, as I was kissing his mouth,
+by Shaint Patrick I bit his nose, which caused him to beat
+me very sore for my pains.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, what calling was you when in Scotland?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, sir, I was no business at all, but what do you
+call the green tree that's like a whin bush, people makes a
+thing to sweep the house of it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, yes, Paddy, they call it the broom.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, you have it, I was a gentleman's broom,
+only waited on his horses, and washed the dishes for the
+cook; and when my master rode a-hunting I went behind
+with the dogs.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, yes, Paddy, it was the groom you mean. But I
+fancy you was cook's mate or kitchen boy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> No, no, it was the broom that I was; and if I had
+stayed there till now I might have been advanced as high as
+my master, for the ladies loved me so well that they laughed
+at me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> They might admire you for a fool.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> What, sir, do you imagine that I am not a fool?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span>
+No, no; my master asked counsel of me in all his matters, and
+I always give him a reason for everything. I told him one
+morning that he went too soon to the hunting, that the
+hares were not got out of their beds, and neither the barking
+of horns nor the blowing of dogs could make them rise, it
+was such a cold morning that night; so they all ran away
+that we catched, when we did not see them. Then my
+master told my words to several gentlemen that were at
+dinner, and they admired me for want of judgment, for my
+head was all of a lump, adding they were going a-fishing
+along with my master and me in the afternoon; but I told
+them that it was a very unhappy thing for any man to go
+a-hunting in the morning and a-fishing in the afternoon.
+They would try it, but they had better stayed at home, for it
+came on a most terrible fine night of south-west rain, and
+even down wind; so the fishes got all below the water to
+keep themselves dry from the shower, and we catched them
+all, but got none.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> How long did you serve that gentleman, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I was with him six weeks, and
+he beat me seven times.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> For what did he beat you? Was it for your
+madness and foolish tricks?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, it was not, but for being too inquisitive,
+and going sharply about business. First, he sent me to the
+post office to inquire if there were any letters for him; so
+when I came there, said I, "Is there any letters here for my
+master to-day?" Then they asked who was my master.
+"Sir," said I, "it is very bad manners in you to ask any
+gentleman's name." At this they laughed, mocking me, and
+said they could give me none if I would not tell my master's
+name; so I returned to my master and told him the impudence
+of the fellow, who would give me no letters unless I
+would tell him your name, master. My master at this flew
+in a passion, and kicked me down stairs, saying, "Go, you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span>
+rogue, and tell my name directly. How can the gentleman
+give letters when he knows not who is asking for them?"
+Then I returned and told my master's name; so they told
+me there was one for him. I looked at it, being very small,
+and, asking the price of it, they told me it was sixpence.
+"Sixpence," said I; "will you take sixpence for that small
+thing, and selling bigger ones for twopence. Faith, I am not
+such a big fool. You think to cheat me now. This is not a
+conscionable way of dealing. I'll acquaint my master with
+it first." So I came and told my master how they would
+have sixpence for his letter, and was selling bigger ones for
+twopence. He took up my head and broke his cane with
+it, calling me a thousand fools, saying the man was more
+just than to take anything but the right for it; but I was
+sure there was none of them right, buying and selling such
+dear pennyworths. So I came again for my dear sixpence
+letter; and, as the fellow was shuffling through a parcel of
+them, seeking for it again, to make the best of a dear
+market, I picked up two, and home I comes to my master,
+thinking he would be pleased with what I had done.
+"Now," said I, "master, I think I have put a trick upon
+them fellows for selling the letter to you." "What have
+you done." "I have only taken other two letters. Here's
+one for you, master, to help your dear penny-worth, and I'll
+send the other to my mother to see whether she be dead or
+alive, for she's always angry I don't write to her." I had
+not the word well spoken till he got up his stick and beat
+me heartily for it, and sent me back to the fellows again
+with the two. I had a very ill will to go, but nobody would
+buy them of me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, I think you was to blame, and your
+master, too, for he ought to have taught you how to go
+about these affairs, and not beat you so.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I had too much wit of my own
+to be teached by him, or anybody else. He began to in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span>struct
+me after that how I should serve the table, and such
+nasty things as those. One night I took ben a roasted fish
+in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. The old
+gentleman was so saucy he would not take it, and told me
+I should bring nothing to him without a trencher below it.
+The same night, as he was going to bed, he called for his
+slippers; so I clapt a trencher below the slippers, and ben I
+goes. No sooner did I enter the room than he threw the
+trencher at me, which broke both my head and the trencher
+at one blow. "Now," said I, "the evil one is in my master
+altogether, for what he commands at one time he countermands
+at another." Next day I went with him to the
+market to buy a sack of potatoes. I went to the potato-monger,
+and asked what he took for the full of a Scot's cog.
+He weighed them in. He asked no less than fourpence.
+"Fourpence!" said I; "if I were but in Dublin I could get
+the double of that for nothing, and in Cork and Linsale far
+cheaper. Them is but small things like pease," said I, "but
+the potatoes in my country is as big as your head&mdash;fine
+meat, all made up in blessed mouthfuls." The potato merchant
+called me a liar, and my master called me a fool; so the
+one fell a-kicking me and the other a-cuffing me. I was
+in such bad bread among them that I called myself both a
+liar and a fool to get off alive.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you carry your potatoes home from
+the market?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I carried the horse and them both,
+besides a big loaf, and two bottles of wine; for I put the
+old horse on my back, and drove the potatoes before me;
+and when I tied the load to the loaf, I had nothing to do
+but to carry the bottle in my hand; but bad luck to the
+way as I came home, for a nail out of the heel of my foot
+sprung a leak in my brogue, which pricked the very bone,
+bruised the skin, and made my brogue itself to blood; and I
+having no hammer by me, but a hatchet I left at home, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span>
+had to beat down the nail with the bottom of the bottle;
+and by the book, dear shoy, it broke to pieces, and scattered
+the wine in my mouth.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you recompense your master for the
+loss of the bottle of wine?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I had a mind to cheat him, and
+myself too, for I took the bottle to a blacksmith, and desired
+him to mend it, that I might go to the butcher and get it full
+of bloody water; but he told me he could not work in anything
+but steel and iron. "Arra," said I, "if I were in my
+own kingdom, I could get a blacksmith who would make a
+bottle out of a stone, and a stone out of nothing."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you trick your master out of it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, the old rogue began to chide me, asking me
+what way I broke it. Then I held up the other as high as
+my head, and let it fall to the ground on a stone, which
+broke it all to pieces likewise. "Now," said I, "master,
+that's the way," and he beat me very heartily until I had to
+shout out mercy and murder all at once.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Why did you not leave him when he used you so
+badly?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I could never think to leave him
+while I could eat; he gave me so many good victuals, and
+promised to prefer me to be his own bone-picker. But, by
+Shaint Patrick, I had to run away with my life or all was
+done, else I had lost my dear shoul and body too by him,
+and then come home much poorer than I went away. The
+great big bitch dog, which was my master's best beloved,
+put his head into a pitcher to lick out some milk, and
+when it was in he could not get it out; and I, to save the
+pitcher, got the hatchet and cut off the dog's head, and then
+I had to break the pitcher to get out the head. By this I
+lost both the dog and the pitcher. My master, hearing of
+this, swore he would cut the head off me, for the poor
+dog was made useless, and could not see to follow anybody<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span>
+for want of his eyes. And when I heard of this, I ran away
+with my own head, for, if I had wanted it, I had lost my
+eyes too, then I would not have seen the road to Port
+Patrick, through Glen-nap; but, by Shaint Patrick, I came
+home alive in spite of them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, rarely done, Paddy; you behaved like a man!
+But what is the reason that you Irish people swear always
+by Saint Patrick?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, he was the best shaint in the
+world, the father of all good people in the kingdom. He
+has a great kindness for an Irishman when he hears him
+calling on his name.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> But, Paddy, is Saint Patrick yet alive?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I don't know whether he be dead
+or alive, but it is a long time since they killed him. The
+people all turned heathens, but he would not change his
+profession, and was going to run the country with it, and
+for taking the gospel away to England, so the barbarous
+Tories of Dublin cutted off his head; and he swimmed over
+to England, and carried his head in his teeth.</p>
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Part II.</span></h2>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> How did you get safe out of Scotland?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> By the law, dear honey. When I came to Port
+Patrick, and saw my own kingdom, I knew I was safe at
+home, but I was clean dead, and almost drowned before I
+could get riding over the water; for I, with nine passengers
+more, leapt into a little young boat, having but four men
+dwelling in a little house in the one end of it, which was all
+thacked with deals; and, after they had pulled up her
+tether-stick, and laid her long halter over her mane, they
+pulled up a long sheet, like three pair of blankets, to the
+rigging of the house, and the wind blew in that, which made
+her gallop up one hill and down another, till I thought she
+would have run to the world's end.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, and where did you go when you came
+to Ireland again?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, and where did I go but to my
+own dear cousin, who was now become very rich by the
+death of the old buck, his father, who died but a few weeks
+before I went over, and the parish had to bury him out of
+pity; it did not cost him a farthing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what entertainment did you get there?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, I was kindly used as another
+gentleman, and would have stayed there long enough, but
+when a man is poor his friends think little of him. I told
+him I was going to see my brother Harry. "Harry!" said
+he, "Harry is dead." "Dead!" said I, "and who killed
+him?" "Why," said he, "Death." "Allelieu, dear honey,
+and where did he kill him?" said I. "In his bed," says he.
+"Arra, dear honey," said I, "if he had been upon Newry
+mountains, with his brogues on, and his broad sword by his
+side, all the deaths in Ireland had not have killed him. O
+that impudent fellow Death. If he had let him alone till he
+died for want of butter milk and potatoes, I am sure he had
+lived all the days of his life."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> In all your travels when abroad, did you never see
+none of your countrymen to inform you of what happened
+at home concerning your relations?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I saw none but Tom Jack, one day
+in the street; but when I came to him, it was not him, but
+one just like him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> On what account did you go a-travelling?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, a recruiting sergeant listed me to be a
+captain, and after all advanced me no higher than a soldier
+itself, but only he called me his dear countryman recruit,
+for I did not know what the regiment was when I saw
+them. I thought they were all gentlemen's sons and collegioners,
+when I saw a box like a Bible upon their
+bellies, until I saw G for King George upon it, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span>
+R for God bless him. "Ho, ho," said I, "I shan't be
+long here."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, then, Paddy, you deserted from them?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> That's what I did, and ran to the mountains like a
+buck, and ever since when I see any soldiers I close my
+eyes, lest they should look and know me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what exploits did you when you was a soldier?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I killed a man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you do that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, when he dropt his sword I drew
+mine, and advanced boldly to him, and then cutted off his foot.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, then, what a big fool was you, for you ought
+first to have cut off his head.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, his head was cutted off before I
+engaged him, else I had not done it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, then, Paddy, you acted like a fool; but you are
+not such a big fool as many take you to be. You might
+pass for a philosopher.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> A fulusipher. My father was a fulusipher; besides,
+he was a man under great authority by law, condemning
+the just and clearing the guilty. Do you know how they
+call the horse's mother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Why, they call her a mare.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> A mare, ay, very well minded. My father was a
+mare in Cork.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what riches was left you by the death of your
+mother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> A bad luck to her own barren belly, for she lived in
+great plenty, and died in great poverty; devoured up all or
+she died, but two hens and a pockful of potatoes&mdash;a poor
+estate for an Irish gentleman, in faith.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what did you make of the hens and potatoes?
+Did you sow them?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I sowed them in my belly, and
+sold the hens to a cadger.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What business did your mother follow after?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Greatly in the merchant way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what sort of goods did she deal in?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear honey, she went through the country and sold
+small fishes, onions, and apples; bought hens and eggs, and
+then hatched them herself. I remember of a long-necked
+cock she had, of an oversea brood, that stood on the midden
+and picked all the stars out of the north-west, so they were
+never so thick there since.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Now, Paddy, that's a bull surpasses all; but is there
+none of that cock's offspring alive now?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I don't think there are; but it is a
+pity but that they had, for they would fly with people above
+the sea, which would put the use of ships out of fashion,
+and nobody would be drowned at all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Very well, Paddy, but in all your travels did you
+ever get a wife?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, that's what I did, and a wicked wife, too; and,
+my dear shoy, I can't tell whether she is gone to Purgatory
+or the parish of Pig-trantrum, for she told me she should
+certainly die the first opportunity she could get, as this
+present evil world was not worth the waiting on, so she
+would go and see what good things is in the world to come;
+so when that old rover called the Fever came raging over
+the whole kingdom, she went away and died out of spite,
+leaving me nothing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, but, Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor,
+and got some pills and physic for her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> By Shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own
+as any doctor in the kingdom could give her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O, you fool, that is not what I mean. You ought
+to have brought the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood
+off her if he thought it needful.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Yes, that's what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever
+she died, and sought something for a dead or dying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span>
+woman. The old foolish devil was at his dinner, and began
+to ask me some stupid questions, and then kicked me down
+stairs.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And in what good order did you bury your wife
+when she died?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, she was buried in all manner of
+pomp, pride, and splendour&mdash;a fine coffin, with cords in it;
+and within the coffin, along with herself, she got a pair of
+new brogues, a penny candle, a good, hard-headed old hammer,
+with an Irish sixpenny piece, to pay her passage at the gate,
+and what more could she look for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> I really think you gave her enough along with her,
+but you ought to have cried for her, if it was no more but
+to be in the fashion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> And why should I cry without sorrow, when we
+hired two criers to cry all the way before her to keep her in
+the fashion?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what do they cry before a dead woman?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, they cry the common cry, or funeral lament,
+that is used in our Irish country.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what manner of cry is that, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear Tom, if you don't know I'll tell you. When
+any person dies there is a number of criers goes before,
+saying, "Luff, fuff, fou, allelieu, dear honey, what aileth
+thee to die! It was not for want of good butter milk and
+potatoes."</p>
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Part III.</span></h2>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, and what did you do when your wife
+died?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear honey, what would I do? Do you think I
+was such a big fool as to die too? I am sure if I had I
+would not have got fair play, when I am not so old yet as
+my father was when he died.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> No, Paddy, it is not that I mean. Was you sorry,
+or did you weep for her?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Weep for her! By Shaint Patrick, I would not
+weep, nor yet be sorry, suppose my own mother and all the
+women in Ireland had died seven years before I was born.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What did you do with your children when she
+died?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Do you imagine I was such a big fool as bury my
+children alive along with a dead woman? Arra, dear honey,
+we always commonly give nothing along with a dead person
+but an old shirt, a winding sheet, a big hammer, with a long
+candle, and an Irish silver threepenny piece.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Dear Paddy, and what do they make of all these
+things?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Then, Tom, since you are so inquisitive, you must
+go ask the priest.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What did you make of your children, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> And what should I make of them? Do you imagine
+that I should give them into the hands of the butchers, as
+they had been a parcel of young hogs. By Shaint Patrick,
+I had more unnaturality in me than to put them in an
+hospital as others do.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> No; I suppose you would leave them with your
+friends?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, a poor man's friends is sometimes worse
+than a professed enemy. The best friend I ever had in the
+world was my own pocket while my money lasted; but I
+left two babes between the priest's door and the parish
+church, because I thought it was a place of mercy, and then
+set out for England in quest of another fortune.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> I fancy, Paddy, you came off with what they call a
+moonshine flitting.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> You lie like a thief now, for I did not see sun,
+moon, nor stars, all the night then, for I set out for Cork at
+the dawn of night, and I had travelled twenty miles all
+but twelve before gloaming in the morning.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And where did you go to take shipping?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I came to a country village called
+Dublin, as big a city as any market town in all England,
+where I got myself aboard of a little young boat with a
+parcel of fellows and a long leather bag. I supposed them
+to be tinklers, until I asked what they carried in that
+leather sack. They told me it was the English mail they
+were going over with. "Then," said I, "is the milns so
+scant in England that they must send over their corn to
+Ireland to grind it?" The comical, cunning fellows persuaded
+me it was so. Then I went down to a little house
+below the water, hard by the rigg-back of the boat, and
+laid me down on their leather sack, where I slept myself
+almost to death with hunger. And, dear Tom, to tell you
+plainly, when I waked I did not know where I was, but
+thought I was dead and buried, for I found nothing all
+round me but wooden walls and timber above.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you come to yourself to know where
+you was at last?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> By the law, dear shoy, I scratched my head in a
+hundred parts, and then set me down to think upon it; so
+I minded it was my wife that was dead, and not me, and
+that I was alive in the young boat with the fellows that
+carries over the English meal from the Irish milns.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Oh, then, Paddy, I am sure you was glad when you
+found yourself alive?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I was very sure I was alive, but I
+did not think to live long, so I thought it was better for me
+to steal and be hanged than to live all my days and die
+directly with hunger at last.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Had you no meat nor money along with you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I gave all the money to the captain
+of the house, or gudeman of the ship, to take me into the
+sea or over to England; and when I was like to eat my
+old brogues for want of victuals, I drew my hanger and cut
+the lock of the leather sack to get a lick of their meal; but,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span>
+allelieu, dear shoy, I found neither meal nor seeds, but a
+parcel of papers and letters&mdash;a poor morsel for a hungry
+man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Oh, then, Paddy, you laid down your honesty for
+nothing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, I was a great thief, but got nothing to
+steal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you get victuals at last?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Allelieu, dear honey, the thoughts of meat and
+drink, death and life, and everything else, was out of mind.
+I had not a thought but one.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what was that, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> To go down among the fishes and become a whale;
+then I would have lived at ease all my days, having nothing
+to do but to drink salt water and eat caller oysters.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What was you like to be drowned again?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, drowned, as cleanly drowned as a fish, for
+the sea blew very loud, and the wind ran so high, that we
+were all cast safe on shore, and not one of us drowned
+at all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Where did you go when you came on shore?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I was not able to go anywhere.
+You might cast a knot on my belly, I was so hollow in the
+middle, so I went into a gentleman's house and told him the
+bad fortune I had of being drowned between Ireland and
+the foot of his garden, where we came all safe ashore. But
+all the comfort I got from him was a word of truth.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what was that, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, he told me if I had been a good boy at home
+I needed not to have gone so far to push my fortune with
+an empty pocket, to which I answered, "And what magnifies
+that so long as I am a good workman at no trade at all?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> I suppose, Paddy, the gentleman would make you
+dine with him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> I really thought I was when I saw them roasting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span>
+and skinning so many black chickens, which was nothing
+but a few dead crows they were going to eat. "Ho ho,"
+said I, "them is but dry meat at the best. Of all the fowls
+that flee commend me to the wing of an ox; but all that
+came to my share was a piece of boiled herring and a roasted
+potato. That was the first bit of bread I ever ate in England."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, what business did you follow after in
+England when you was so poor?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> What, sir, do you imagine I was poor when I came
+over on such an honourable occasion as to list, and bring
+myself to no preferment at all? As I was an able-bodied
+man in the face, I thought to be made a brigadeer, a grandedeer,
+or a fuzeleer, or even one of them blew-gowns that
+holds the fierry stick to the bung-hole of the big cannons
+when they let them off to fright away the French. I was
+as sure as no man alive ere I came from Cork, the least preferment
+I could get was to be riding master to a regiment
+of marines, or one of the black horse itself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And where in England was it you listed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I was going through a little
+country village. The streets were very sore by reason of
+the hardness of my feet and lameness of my brogues, so I
+went but very slowly across the streets. From port to port
+is a pretty long way; but I, being weary, thought nothing of
+it. Then the people came all crowding to me as I had been
+a world's wonder, or the wandering Jew, for the rain blew
+in my face and the wind wetted all my belly, which caused me
+to turn the back of my coat before and my buttons behind,
+which was a good safeguard to my body, and the starvation
+of my naked body, for I had not a good shirt.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> I am sure, then, Paddy, they would take you for a
+fool?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> No, no, sir; they admired me for my wisdom, for I
+always turned my buttons before when the wind blew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span>
+behind; but I wondered how the people knew my name
+and where I came from, for every one told another that was
+Paddy from Cork. I suppose they knew my face by seeing
+my name in the newspapers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, what business did you follow in the
+village?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> To be sure I was not idle, working at nothing at
+all, till a decruiting sergeant came to town with two or
+three fellows along with him, one beating on a fiddle, and
+another playing on a drum, tossing their airs through the
+streets, as if they were going to be married. I saw them
+courting none but young men, so, to bring myself to no
+preferment at all, I listed for a soldier. I was too big for a
+grandedeer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What listing money did you get, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I got five thirteens and a pair of
+English brogues. The guinea, and the rest of the gold, was
+sent to London to the King, my master, to buy me new
+shirts, a cockade, and common treasing for my hat. They
+made me swear the malicious oath of devilry against the
+king, the colours, and my captain, telling me if ever I desert
+and not run away that I should be shot, and then whipt to
+death through the regiment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> No, Paddy; it is first whipt, and then shot, you
+mean.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, it is all one thing at last; but it is
+best to be shot and then whipt&mdash;the cleverest way to die
+I'll warrant you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> How much pay did you get, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Do you know the little tall fat sergeant that feed
+me to be a soldier?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how should I know them I never saw, you
+fool?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, you may know him whether you see
+him or not. His face is all bored in holes with the smallpox,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span>
+his nose is the colour of a lobster-toe, and his chin like
+a well washen potato. He's the biggest rogue in our kingdom.
+You'll know him when you meet him again. The
+rogue height me sixpence a day, kill or no kill; and when I
+laid Sunday and Saturday both together, and all the days
+in one day, I can't make a penny above fivepence of it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> You should have kept an account, and asked your
+arrears once a month.</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> That's what I did, but he reads a paternoster out
+of his prayer book, wherein all our names are written; so
+much for a stop-hold to my gun, to bucklers, to a pair of
+comical harn-hose, with leather buttons from top to toe;
+and, worst of all, he would have no less than a penny a
+week to a doctor. "Arra," said I, "I never had a sore
+finger, nor yet a sick toe, all the days of my life; then
+what have I to do with the doctor, or the doctor to do with
+me."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And did he make you pay all these things?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, pay and better pay: he took me before his
+captain, who made me pay all was in his book. "Arra,
+master captain," said I, "you are a comical sort of a fellow
+now; you might as well make me pay for my coffin before
+I be dead, as to pay for a doctor before I be sick;" to which
+he answered in a passion, "Sir," said he, "I have seen
+many a better man buried without a coffin;" "Sir," said I,
+"then I'll have a coffin, die when I will, if there be as much
+wood in all the world, or I shall not be buried at all." Then
+he called for the sergeant, saying, "You, sir, go and buy that
+man's coffin, and put it in the store till he die, and stop sixpence
+a week off his pay for it." "No, no, sir," said I, "I'll
+rather die without a coffin, and seek none when I'm dead,
+but if you are for clipping another sixpence off my pay,
+keep it all to yourself, and I'll swear all your oaths of agreement
+we had back again, and then seek soldiers where you
+will."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O then, Paddy, how did you end the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, by the nights of Shaint Patrick
+and help of my brogues, I both ended it and mended it, for
+the next night before that, I gave them leg bail for my
+fidelity, and went about the country a fortune-teller, dumb
+and deaf as I was not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> How old was you, Paddy, when you was a soldier
+last?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I was three dozen all but two,
+and it is only two years since, so I want only four years of
+three dozen yet, and when, I live six dozen more, I'll be
+older than I am, I warrant you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> O but, Paddy, by your account you are three dozen
+of years old already:</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O what for a big fool are you now, Tom, when you
+count the years I lay sick; which time I count no time at
+all.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">PADDY'S NEW CATECHISM.</span></h3>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Of all the opinions professed in religion tell me
+now, Paddy, of what profession art thou?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, my religion was too weighty a
+matter to carry out of mine own country: I was afraid that
+you English Presbyterians should pluck it away from me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What, Paddy, was your religion such a load that
+you could not carry it along with you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Yes, that it was, but I carried it always about with
+me when at home, my sweet cross upon my dear breast,
+bound to my dear button hole.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what manner of worship did you perform by
+that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, I adored the cross, the pope, and the priest,
+cursed Oliver as black as crow, and swears myself a cut
+throat against all Protestants and church of Englandmen.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what is the matter but you would be a church
+of Englandmen, or a Scotch Presbyterian yourself, Paddy?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Because it is unnatural for an Irishman: but had
+Shaint Patrick been a Presbyterian, I had been the same.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And for what reason would you be a Presbyterian
+then, Paddy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Because they have liberty to eat flesh in lent, and
+everything that's fit for the belly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What, Paddy, are you such a lover of flesh that you
+would change your profession for it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O yes, that's what I would. I love flesh of all
+kinds, sheep's beef, swine's mutton, hare's flesh, and hen's
+venison; but our religion is one of the hungriest in all the
+world, ah! but it makes my teeth to weep, and my stomach
+to water, when I see the Scotch Presbyterians, and English
+churchmen, in time of lent, feeding upon bulls' and sheep's
+young children.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What reward will you get when you are dead, for
+punishing your stomach so while you are alive?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> By Shaint Patrick I'll live like a king when I'm
+dead, for I will neither pay for meat nor drink.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What, Paddy, do you think that you are to come
+alive again when you are dead?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O yes, we that are true Roman Catholics will live
+a long time after we are dead; when we die in love with the
+priests, and the good people of our profession.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what assurance can your priest give you of that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, our priest is a great shaint, a good
+shoul, who can repeat a paternoster and Ave Maria, which
+will fright the very horned devil himself, and make him run
+for it, until he be like to fall and break his neck.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what does he give you when you are dying?
+that makes you come alive again?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, he writes a letter upon our tongues, sealed
+with a wafer, gives us a sacrament in our mouth, with a
+pardon, and direction in our right hand, who to call for at
+the ports of Purgatory.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what money design you to give the priest for
+your pardon?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, I wish I had first the money he would
+take for it, I would rather drink it myself, and then give
+him both my bill and my honest word, payable in the other
+world.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And how then are you to get a passage to the other
+world, or who is to carry you there?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, Tom, you know nothing of the
+matter: for when I die, they will bury my body, flesh,
+blood, dirt, and bones, only my skin will be blown up full
+of wind and spirit, my dear shoul I mean; and then I will
+be blown over to the other world on the wings of the wind;
+and after that I'll never be killed, hanged, nor drowned, nor
+yet die in my bed, for when any hits me a blow, my new
+body will play buff upon it like a bladder.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> But what way will you go to the new world, or
+where is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, the priest knows where it is, but
+I do not, but the Pope of Rome keeps the outer-port, Shaint
+Patrick the inner-port, and gives us a direction of the way
+to Shaint Patrick's palace, which stands on the head of the
+Stalian loch, where I'll have no more to do but chap at the
+gate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What is the need for chapping at the gate, is it not
+always open?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, you know little about it, for there is
+none can enter but red hot Irishmen, for when I call Allelieu,
+dear honey, Shaint Patrick countenance your own dear
+countryman if you will, then the gates will be opened
+directly for me, for he knows and loves an Irishman's voice,
+as he loves his own heart.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> And what entertainment will you get when you
+are in?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear, we are all kept there until a general<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span>
+review, which is commonly once in the week; and then we
+are drawn up like as many young recruits, and all the blackguard
+scoundrels is picked out of the ranks, and one half of
+them is sent away to the Elysian fields, to curry the weeds
+from among the potatoes, the other half of them to the River
+sticks, to catch fishes for Shaint Patrick's table, and them
+that is owing the priests any money is put in the black
+hole, and then given to the hands of a great black bitch of a
+devil, which is keeped for a hangman, who whips them up
+and down the smoky dungeon every morning for six
+months.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, are you to do as much justice to a
+Protestant as a Papist?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, the most justice we are commanded
+to do a Protestant, is to whip and torment them
+until they confess themselves in the Romish faith; and then
+cut their throats that they may die believers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> What business do you follow after at present?</p>
+
+<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I am a mountain sailor and my
+supplication is as follows&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">PADDY'S HUMBLE PETITION, OR SUPPLICATION.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Good Christian people, behold me a man! who has com'd
+through a world of wonders, a hell full of hardships, dangers
+by sea, and dangers by land, and yet I am alive; you may
+see my hand crooked like a fowl's foot, and that is no
+wonder at all considering my sufferings and sorrows. Oh!
+oh! oh! good people. I was a man in my time who had
+plenty of the gold, plenty of the silver, plenty of the clothes,
+plenty of the butter, the beer, beef, and biscuit. And now
+I have nothing: being taken by the Turks and relieved by
+the Spaniards, lay sixty-six days at the siege of Gibraltar,
+and got nothing to eat but sea wreck and raw mussels; put
+to sea for our safety, cast upon the Barbarian coast, among
+the wicked Algerines, where we were taken and tied with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span>
+tugs and tadders, horse locks, and cow chains: then cut and
+castcate yard and testicle quite away, put in your hand and
+feel how every female's made smooth by the sheer bone,
+where nothing is to be seen but what is natural. Then
+made our escape to the desart wild wilderness of Arabia;
+where we lived among the wild asses, upon wind, sand, and
+sapless ling. Afterwards put to sea in the hull of an old
+house, where we were tossed above and below the clouds,
+being driven through thickets and groves by fierce, coarse,
+calm, and contrary winds: at last, was cast upon Salisbury
+plains, where our vessel was dashed to pieces against a cabbage
+stock. And now my humble petition to you, good
+Christian people, is for one hundred of your beef, one
+hundred of your butter, another of your cheese, a cask of
+your biscuit, a tun of your beer, a keg of your rum, with a
+pipe of your wine, a lump of your gold, a piece of your
+silver, a few of your half-pence or farthings, a waught of
+your butter milk, a pair of your old breeches, stockings, or
+shoes, even a chaw of tobacco for charity's sake.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>THE HISTORY</h2>
+
+<h5>OF</h5>
+
+<h1>DICK WHITTINGTON</h1>
+
+<h5>AND</h5>
+
+<h1>HIS CAT.</h1>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<div class="center">In the reign of the famous King Edward the Third, there
+was a little boy called Dick Whittington, whose father and
+mother died when he was very young, so that he remembered
+nothing at all about them, and was left a dirty little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span>
+fellow running about a country village. As poor Dick was
+not old enough to work, he was in a sorry plight. He got
+but little for his dinner, and sometimes nothing at all for his
+breakfast, for the people who lived in the village were very
+poor themselves, and could spare him little more than the
+parings of potatoes, and now and then a hard crust.</div>
+
+<p>For all this, Dick Whittington was a very sharp boy, and
+was always listening to what every one talked about.</p>
+
+<p>On Sundays he never failed to get near the farmers, as
+they sat talking on the tombstones in the churchyard before
+the parson was come; and once a week you might be sure
+to see little Dick leaning against the sign-post of the village
+ale-house, where people stopped to drink as they came from
+the next market town; and whenever the barber's shopdoor
+was open Dick listened to all the news he told his
+customers.</p>
+
+<p>In this manner Dick heard of the great city called
+London; how the people who lived there were all fine
+gentlemen and ladies; that there were singing and music
+in it all day long; and that the streets were paved all over
+with gold.</p>
+
+<p>One day a waggoner, with a large waggon and eight
+horses, all with bells at their heads, drove through the
+village while Dick was lounging near his favourite sign-post.
+The thought immediately struck him that it must be
+going to the fine town of London; and taking courage he
+asked the waggoner to let him walk with him by the side
+of the waggon. The man, hearing from poor Dick that he
+had no parents, and seeing by his ragged condition that he
+could not be worse off, told him he might go if he would;
+so they set off together.</p>
+
+<p>Dick got safe to London; and so eager was he to see the
+fine streets, paved all over with gold that he ran as fast as
+his legs would carry him through several streets, expecting
+every moment to come to those that were all paved with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span>
+gold, for Dick had three times seen a guinea in his own
+village, and observed what a great deal of money it brought
+in change; so he imagined he had only to take up some
+little bits of the pavement to have as much money as he
+desired.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Dick ran till he was tired, and at last, finding it
+grow dark, and that whichever way he turned he saw
+nothing but dirt instead of gold, he sat down in a dark
+corner and cried himself asleep.</p>
+
+<p>Little Dick remained all night in the streets; and next
+morning, finding himself very hungry, he got up and walked
+about, asking those he met to give him a halfpenny to keep
+him from starving; but nobody stayed to answer him, and
+only two or three gave him anything, so that the poor boy
+was soon in the most miserable condition. Being almost
+starved to death, he laid himself down at the door of one
+Mr. Fitzwarren, a great rich merchant. Here he was soon
+perceived by the cook-maid, who was an ill-tempered
+creature, and happened just then to be very busy dressing
+dinner for her master and mistress; so, seeing poor Dick,
+she called out, "What business have you there, you lazy
+rogue? There is nothing else but beggars; if you do not
+take yourself away, we will see how you will like a sousing
+of some dish water I have here that is hot enough to make
+you caper."</p>
+
+<p>Just at this time Mr. Fitzwarren himself came home from
+the city to dinner, and, seeing a dirty, ragged boy lying at
+the door, said to him, "Why do you lie there, my lad? You
+seem old enough to work. I fear you must be somewhat
+idle." "No, indeed, sir," says Whittington, "that is not
+true, for I would work with all my heart, but I know
+nobody, and I believe I am very sick for want of food."</p>
+
+<p>"Poor fellow!" answered Mr. Fitzwarren.</p>
+
+<p>Dick now tried to rise, but was obliged to lie down again,
+being too weak to stand, for he had not eaten anything for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span>
+three days, and was no longer able to run about and beg a
+halfpenny of people in the streets; so the kind merchant
+ordered that he should be taken into his house, and have a
+good dinner immediately, and that he should be kept to do
+what dirty work he was able for the cook.</p>
+
+<p>Little Dick would have lived very happily in this worthy
+family had it not been for the crabbed cook, who was finding
+fault and scolding him from morning till night, and was
+withal so fond of roasting and basting that, when the spit
+was out of her hands, she would be at basting poor Dick's
+head and shoulders with a broom, or anything else that
+happened to fall in her way, till at last her ill-usage of him
+was told to Miss Alice, Mr. Fitzwarren's daughter, who
+asked the ill-tempered creature if she was not ashamed to
+use a little friendless boy so cruelly; and added she would
+certainly be turned away if she did not treat him with more
+kindness.</p>
+
+<p>But though the cook was so ill-tempered, Mr. Fitzwarren's
+footman was quite the contrary. He had lived in the family
+many years, was rather elderly, and had once a little boy of
+his own, who died when about the age of Whittington, so
+he could not but feel compassion for the poor boy.</p>
+
+<p>As the footman was very fond of reading, he used generally
+in the evening to entertain his fellow-servants, when
+they had done their work, with some amusing book. The
+pleasure our little hero took in hearing him made him very
+much desire to learn to read too; so the next time the good-natured
+footman gave him a halfpenny, he bought a hornbook
+with it; and, with a little of his help, Dick soon
+learned his letters, and afterwards to read.</p>
+
+<p>About this time Miss Alice was going out one morning
+for a walk, and the footman happening to be out of the
+way, little Dick, who had received from Mr. Fitzwarren a
+neat suit of clothes to go to church on Sundays, was ordered
+to put them on, and walk behind her. As they walked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span>
+along, Miss Alice, seeing a poor woman with one child in
+her arms and another at her back, pulled out her purse, and
+gave her some money; and, as she was putting it again into
+her pocket, she dropped it on the ground, and walked on.
+Luckily Dick, who was behind, saw what she had done,
+picked it up, and immediately presented it to her.</p>
+
+<p>Besides the ill-humour of the cook, which now, however,
+was somewhat mended, Whittington had another hardship
+to get over. This was, that his bed, which was of flock,
+was placed in a garret, where there were so many holes in
+the floor and walls that he never went to bed without being
+awakened in his sleep by great numbers of rats and mice,
+which generally ran over his face, and made such a noise
+that he sometimes thought the walls were tumbling down
+about him.</p>
+
+<p>One day a gentleman who paid a visit to Mr. Fitzwarren
+happened to have dirtied his shoes, and begged they might
+be cleaned. Dick took great pains to make them shine, and
+the gentleman gave him a penny. This he resolved to lay
+out in buying a cat, if possible; and the next day, seeing a
+little girl with a cat under her arm, he went up to her,
+and asked if she would let him have it for a penny, to
+which the girl replied she would with all her heart, for her
+mother had more cats than she could maintain, adding that
+the one she had was an excellent mouser.</p>
+
+<p>This cat Whittington hid in the garret, always taking
+care to carry her a part of his dinner; and in a short time
+he had no further disturbance from the rats and mice, but
+slept as sound as a top.</p>
+
+<p>Soon after this the merchant, who had a ship ready to
+sail, richly laden, and thinking it but just that all his
+servants should have some chance for good luck as well as
+himself, called them into the parlour, and asked them what
+commodity they chose to send.</p>
+
+<p>All mentioned something they were willing to venture<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span>
+but poor Whittington, who, having no money nor goods,
+could send nothing at all, for which reason he did not come
+in with the rest; but Miss Alice, guessing what was the
+matter, ordered him to be called, and offered to lay down
+some money for him from her own purse; but this, the
+merchant observed, would not do, for it must be something
+of his own.</p>
+
+<p>Upon this, poor Dick said he had nothing but a cat,
+which he bought for a penny that was given him.</p>
+
+<p>"Fetch thy cat, boy," says Mr. Fitzwarren, "and let
+her go."</p>
+
+<p>Whittington brought poor puss, and delivered her to
+the captain with tears in his eyes, for he said, "He
+should now again be kept awake all night by the rats and
+mice."</p>
+
+<p>All the company laughed at the oddity of Whittington's
+adventure; and Miss Alice, who felt the greatest pity for
+the poor boy, gave him some half-pence to buy another
+cat.</p>
+
+<p>This, and several other marks of kindness shown him by
+Miss Alice, made the ill-tempered cook so jealous of the
+favours the poor boy received that she began to use him
+more cruelly than ever, and constantly made game of him
+for sending his cat to sea, asking him if he thought it would
+sell for as much money as would buy a halter.</p>
+
+<p>At last the unhappy little fellow, being unable to bear
+this treatment any longer, determined to run away from
+his place. He accordingly packed up the few things that
+belonged to him, and set out very early in the morning on
+Allhallow Day, which is the first of November. He travelled
+as far as Holloway, and there sat down on a stone, which
+to this day is called Whittington's Stone, and began to consider
+what course he should take.</p>
+
+<p>While he was thus thinking what he could do, Bow Bells,
+of which there were then only six, began to ring, and it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span>
+seemed to him that their sounds addressed him in this
+manner&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">"Turn again, Whittington,</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Lord Mayor of London."</span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>"Lord Mayor of London!" says he to himself. "Why,
+to be sure, I would bear anything to be Lord Mayor of
+London, and ride in a fine coach! Well, I will go back, and
+think nothing of all the cuffing and scolding of old Cicely
+if I am at last to be Lord Mayor of London."</p>
+
+<p>So back went Dick, and got into the house, and set about
+his business before Cicely came down stairs.</p>
+
+<p>The ship, with the cat on board, was long beaten about
+at sea, and was at last driven by contrary winds on a part
+of the coast of Barbary, inhabited by Moors that were
+unknown to the English.</p>
+
+<p>The natives in this country came in great numbers, out
+of curiosity, to see the people on board, who were all of so
+different a colour from themselves, and treated them with
+great civility, and, as they became better acquainted, showed
+marks of eagerness to purchase the fine things with which
+the ship was laden.</p>
+
+<p>The captain, seeing this, sent patterns of the choicest
+articles he had to the king of the country, who was so much
+pleased with them that he sent for the captain and his chief
+mate to the palace. Here they were placed, as is the custom
+of the country, on rich carpets flowered with gold and silver;
+and, the king and queen being seated at the upper end of
+the room, dinner was brought in, which consisted of the
+greatest rarities. No sooner, however, were the dishes
+set before the company than an amazing number of rats
+and mice rushed in, and helped themselves plentifully from
+every dish, scattering pieces of flesh and gravy all about the
+room.</p>
+
+<p>The captain, extremely astonished, asked if these vermin
+were not very offensive.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes," said they, "very offensive; and the king
+would give half his treasure to be free of them, for they
+not only destroy his dinner, but they disturb him even in
+his chamber, so that he is obliged to be watched while he
+sleeps."</p>
+
+<p>The captain, who was ready to jump for joy, remembering
+poor Whittington's hard case, and the cat he had entrusted
+to his care, told him he had a creature on board his ship
+that would kill them all.</p>
+
+<p>The king was still more overjoyed than the captain.
+"Bring this creature to me," says he; "and if she can really
+perform what you say I will load your ship with wedges of
+gold in exchange for her."</p>
+
+<p>Away flew the captain, while another dinner was providing,
+to the ship, and, taking puss under his arm, returned
+to the palace in time to see the table covered with rats and
+mice, and the second dinner in a fair way to meet with the
+same fate as the first.</p>
+
+<p>The cat, at sight of them, did not wait for bidding, but
+sprang from the captain's arms, and in a few moments laid
+the greatest part of the rats and mice dead at her feet, while
+the rest, in the greatest fright imaginable, scampered away
+to their holes.</p>
+
+<p>The king, having seen and considered of the wonderful
+exploits of Mrs. Puss, and being informed she would soon
+have young ones, which might in time destroy all the rats
+and mice in the country, bargained with the captain for his
+whole ship's cargo, and afterwards agreed to give a prodigious
+quantity of wedges of gold, of still greater value, for
+the cat, with which, after taking leave of their Majesties,
+and other great personages belonging to the court, he, with
+all his ship's company, set sail, with a fair wind, for England,
+and, after a happy voyage, arrived safely in the port
+of London.</p>
+
+<p>One morning Mr. Fitzwarren had just entered his counting-house,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span>
+and was going to seat himself at the desk, when
+who should arrive but the captain and mate of the merchant
+ship, the Unicorn, just arrived from the coast of Barbary,
+and followed by several men, bringing with them a prodigious
+quantity of wedges of gold that had been paid by
+the King of Barbary in exchange for the merchandise, and
+also in exchange for Mrs. Puss. Mr. Fitzwarren, the instant
+he heard the news, ordered Whittington to be called, and,
+having desired him to be seated, said, "Mr. Whittington,
+most heartily do I rejoice in the news these gentlemen have
+brought you, for the captain has sold your cat to the King
+of Barbary, and brought you in return more riches than
+I possess in the whole world; and may you long enjoy
+them!"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fitzwarren then desired the men to open the immense
+treasures they had brought, and added that Mr. Whittington
+had now nothing to do but to put it in some place
+of safety.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Dick could scarce contain himself for joy. He
+begged his master to take what part of it he pleased, since
+to his kindness he was indebted for the whole. "No, no,
+this wealth is all your own, and justly so," answered Mr.
+Fitzwarren; "and I have no doubt you will use it generously."</p>
+
+<p>Whittington, however, was too kind-hearted to keep all
+himself; and accordingly made a handsome present to the
+captain, the mate, and every one of the ship's company,
+and afterwards to his excellent friend the footman, and the
+rest of Mr. Fitzwarren's servants, not even excepting crabbed
+old Cicely.</p>
+
+<p>After this, Mr. Fitzwarren advised him to send for trades
+people, and get himself dressed as became a gentleman, and
+made him the offer of his house to live in till he could provide
+himself with a better.</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Whittington's face was washed, his hair curled,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span>
+his hat cocked, and he was dressed in a fashionable suit of
+clothes, he appeared as handsome and genteel as any young
+man who visited at Mr. Fitzwarren's; so that Miss Alice,
+who had formerly thought of him with compassion, now
+considered him as fit to be her lover; and the more so, no
+doubt, because Mr. Whittington was constantly thinking
+what he could do to oblige her, and making her the prettiest
+presents imaginable.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fitzwarren, perceiving their affection for each other,
+proposed to unite them in marriage, to which, without
+difficulty, they each consented; and accordingly a day for
+the wedding was soon fixed, and they were attended to
+church by the lord mayor, the court of aldermen, the
+sheriffs, and a great number of the wealthiest merchants in
+London; and the ceremony was succeeded by a most elegant
+entertainment and splendid ball.</p>
+
+<p>History tells us that the said Mr. Whittington and his
+lady lived in great splendour, and were very happy; that
+they had several children; that he was sheriff of London in
+the year 1340, and several times afterwards lord mayor; that
+in the last year of his mayoralty he entertained King Henry
+the Fifth on his return from the battle of Agincourt. And
+sometime afterwards, going with an address from the city
+on one of his Majesty's victories, he received the honour
+of knighthood.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Richard Whittington constantly fed great numbers
+of the poor. He built a church and college to it, with a
+yearly allowance to poor scholars, and near it erected an
+hospital.</p>
+
+<p>The effigy of Sir Richard Whittington was to be seen,
+with his cat in his arms, carved in stone, over the archway
+of the late prison of Newgate that went across Newgate
+Street.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>THE</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MAD PRANKS</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="xl"><b>TOM TRAM,</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>SON IN LAW</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>TO</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MOTHER WINTER.</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>TO WHICH ARE ADDED</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><b>HIS MERRY JESTS</b></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>AND</b></span></div>
+<div class="center"><b>PLEASANT TALES.</b></div>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>A merry Jest betwixt old Mother Winter and her
+Son-in-Law Tom.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>There was an old woman named Mother Winter that had
+but one son-in-law, and his name was Tom; and though he
+was at man's estate, yet would do nothing but what he
+listed, which grieved his old mother to the heart. Upon a
+time being in the market, she heard a proclamation, "That
+those that would not work should be whipped." At which
+the old woman leapt, and with great joy home she comes
+meets with her son, and tells him the mayor of the town had
+made a decree, which was, "That all those that would not
+work should be whipped." "Has he so," says he, "marry,
+my blessing on his heart; for my part, I'll not break the
+decree." So the old woman left her son, and went again to
+the market; she was no sooner gone but her son looks into
+the stone pots, which she kept small beer in; and when he
+saw that the beer did not work, he takes the pot, strips off<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span>
+his doublet, and with a carter's whip he lays on them as
+hard as he could drive. The people who saw him do it, told
+his mother what he had done; which made the old woman
+cry out, "O! that young knave will be hanged." So in that
+tone home she goes. Her son seeing her, came running and
+foaming at the mouth to meet her, and told her, that he had
+broke both the pots; which made the old woman to say,
+"O thou villain! what hast thou done?" "O mother,"
+quoth he, "you told me it was proclaimed, 'That all those
+that would not work must be whipped'; and I have often
+seen our pots work so hard, that they have foamed so much
+at the mouth, that they befouled all the house where they
+stood; but these two lazy knaves," said he, "told me, that
+they did never work, nor never meant to work; and therefore,"
+quoth he, "I have whipped them to death, to teach
+the rest of their fellows to work, or never look me in the
+face again."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Another Jest of old Mother Winter and her Son Tom.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Upon a time Mother Winter sent her son Tom into the
+market to buy her a penny-worth of soap, and gave him
+twelvepence, and charged him to bring it home safe. Tom
+told her it should be so; and to that end it should be safe
+brought home, according to his mother's charge, he goes and
+buys a penny-worth of soap, and hired two men with a hand-barrow
+to carry the soap, and four men with brown bills to
+guard it along to her, giving them the elevenpence for their
+pains, which made his mother in great fury go to the mayor
+of the town, who committed him to prison. Now, the prison
+window joining close to the mayor's chamber window, Tom
+and some other merry prisoners like himself, getting a cup
+of good liquor in their heads, began to sing and roar and
+domineer, insomuch that the mayor heard them that night,
+and charged them they should leave off drinking and singing
+of loose songs, and sing good psalms. Tom told him that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span>
+he should hear that he would amend his life if he would
+pardon his fault. The mayor said that for their misdemeanours,
+they should be that night in prison, and upon amendment,
+being neighbours, he would release them in the
+morning. They thanked the mayor, and Tom Tram prevailed
+so far with a friend of his that he borrowed three
+shillings; which three shillings he spent upon his fellow-prisoners,
+which made the poor men be ruled by him, and
+do what he enjoined them to do; so when the mayor was
+gone to bed, the prison window as before observed, being
+close to the chamber-window, they began to sing psalms so
+loud that the mayor could take no rest, which made him
+cause one of his servants forbid them leave off singing. Tom
+Tram said that it was the mayor's good counsel that they
+should sing psalms, and sing they would, as long as they
+lived three. Which made the mayor bid the jailer turn
+them out of prison, without paying their fees.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom served his Hostess and a Tobacco Seller&mdash;being
+another of his Jests.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>It happened that Tom was sent on an errand forty miles
+from his abode, over heaths and plains, where having
+dispatched his business, he chanced to be lodged in a room
+that opened into a yard, where his hostess kept many
+turkeys, which Tom seeing he thrusts pins into two of their
+heads and in the night they died. The woman in the morning
+wondered how the fowls should come to die. Tom persuaded
+her that there was a great sickness where he dwelt
+amongst all manner of fowls, and wished his hostess to fling
+them away, which she did. Tom watched where she flung
+them, and when he took his leave of his hostess, it was at
+such a time when she was busy setting bread into the oven,
+so that he was sure she could not look after him. So he
+goes and wraps the turkeys in his coat, and away he runs;
+but finding his two turkeys heavy, he sees a man that sold<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span>
+tobacco up and down the country at the foot of a hill,
+when he alighted to lead his horse down the hill, at the
+bottom of which he falls down, and lies crying as if he had
+broken one of his legs, and makes to the man a most piteous
+lamentation; that he was six or seven miles from any town,
+there being no house near; and that he was like to perish
+for want of succour. The man asked where he dwelt. He
+said with a knight, to whom Tom did live as a jester. The
+man knowing the knight, and thinking Tom's leg had
+really been broken, with much ado lifted him upon
+the horse. When Tom was mounted, he prayed the man
+to give him his master's turkeys. Tom made the horse
+to gallop away, crying out, "I shall be killed! I shall
+be killed! O my leg! What shall I do! O my leg!"
+The man seeing him gone, stood in amaze, and knew
+not what to think; nevertheless, he durst not leave his
+turkeys behind him, for fear of displeasing the knight,
+but carried them lugging along fretting and swearing in his
+boots, till he came to the next town, where he hired a horse
+to overtake Tom, but could not, until he came to the knight's
+house, where Tom stood to attend his coming, looking out at
+the window. When the man alighted, Tom then called to
+him so loud, that most of the house heard him. "O," said
+he, "now I see thou art an honest man, I had thought you had
+set me, upon your headstrong horse, on purpose to deceive
+me of my turkeys." The man replied, "A pox take you and
+your turkeys, for I never was played the knave with so in
+my life; I hope you will pay for the hire of the horse,
+which I was forced to borrow to follow you withal." "That
+I will," said Tom, "with all my heart."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom paid the Man for his Horse Hire.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Tom asked the man what way he intended to travel.
+"Marry," said the man, "I must go back with the horse I
+have hired." Quoth Tom, "What did you give for the hire<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span>
+of him?" Said the man, "I gave five shillings." "Well,"
+said Tom, "I will set you to the next public-house, and then
+we will eat one of the turkeys, and I will bring you in good
+silver the five shillings for the horse hire." The place
+appointed being two miles off, Tom appoints three or four
+of his companions to meet him, who did not fail, for they
+were there before Tom and his friend, who came riding upon
+the horses&mdash;Tom upon the hired horse, and the man upon
+his own. Tom alighted, and called the hostler to set up his
+horse, and to give him oats enough, and caused a turkey to
+be roasted with all possible haste, which, according as he
+commanded, was performed. But Tom whispered to his
+consorts, and wished them to ply the man with drink; while
+he, in the meantime, went to the host and told him they
+came to be merry, and money was short with him and
+desired he would lend him ten shillings upon his horse.
+The host having so good a pawn, lent it him, knowing it
+would be spent in his house. So Tom went and gave the
+man five shillings for the hire of the horse, and spends the
+other five shillings freely upon him. By that time the day
+was pretty nigh spent, so that the man could get no further
+that night, but Tom and his companions took their leaves
+and returned home, and the man went his way to bed little
+suspecting the trick Tom had put upon him. In the morning
+the man rising betimes, thinking to be gone, could have
+but one horse unless he paid ten shillings, for Tom had left
+word with his host, that paying the money he should have
+both horses. The man seeing himself cozened again by Tom,
+paid the ten shillings, and wished all such cheating knaves
+were hanged, away he went fretting and foaming to see
+himself abused.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom served a Company of Gentlemen.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>It happened that a company of gentlemen being disposed to
+create mirth, rode some miles from home to be merry. One<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span>
+of them would need have Tom to wait upon him, and Tom
+was as willing as he to be in that company, but as they
+were coming home, one of them cut the reins of Tom's
+bridle, so that when Tom mounted on his horse the reins
+broke, and the horse ran away with him in the midst of a
+great heath whereon stood a large gallows against which the
+horse stood, and rubbed his neck, so that the gentleman
+hooped and hallooed, and said, "Farewell, Tom, farewell."
+But Tom alighted from his horse, and made fast his reins,
+and with his sword cut three or four chips from off the gallows;
+and at the next tavern Tom met with them, where they
+jeer'd him not a little; but Tom very earnestly entreated
+them to forbear, yet the more he entreated them, the more
+they played upon him. But to be even with them, in the
+morning Tom calls the hostler, and sends him for nutmegs
+and ginger, and gets a grater, and when he had grated them
+he also grated the chips off the gallows, and mixed with the
+spice only a little nutmeg and ginger, he laid towards one
+end of the trencher for himself, and with a gallon of ale into
+the gentleman's chamber he goes, begging of them not to
+mock him any more with the gallows; and he would give
+them that ale and spice; and so, says he, "Gentlemen, I
+drink to you all." Now, as soon as he had drank, the
+hostler called him, as he gave him charge before so to do.
+Down stairs runs Tom as fast as he could. The gentlemen
+made all possible speed to drink up the ale and spice before
+he came up again, and that was what Tom desired. When
+he came again, seeing all the ale and spice gone, he says,
+"Gentlemen, will you know why my horse carried me to
+the gallows?" "Yes," says one of them. "Well," says
+Tom, "it was to fetch you some spice to your ale, and if you
+want, I have more for you:" and with that showed them the
+chips out of his pocket, and away he runs, leaving the
+gentlemen to look one upon another, studying how they
+should be revenged on him.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom rode a-Gossiping.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Tom heard a company of women that would meet at the
+place a house-warming, to welcome one of the house. These
+women had formerly abused Tom, and now he thought to
+be even with them, so he goes to an apothecary's shop,
+buys a pound of purging comfits, and puts them in a cake
+with other spices, and dresses himself in women's apparel,
+and gets a horse and a pannel, and to the house he comes,
+knocks at the door, and asked the maid, whether there
+were any women come a house-warming? The maid said,
+"Not yet." "I pray," says Tom, "take this cake, and if I
+come not at the meeting, let them eat it and be merry, for I
+must go to a woman that is exceedingly unwell," and away
+he goes. The women came, and wondered what woman it
+should be that left the cake. Some of them supposed that
+it was some rich lady. They stayed a while and the person
+they expected to be with them not coming, they fell to their
+meat, and at last to the cake. But it was not long in their
+stomach before it began to work, so that all began vomiting,
+and were so sick, that they disordered the house. In which
+time Tom shifts himself into man's apparel, and with a staff
+in his hand came where his gossips were, and hearing them
+groaning all the house over, opened the door and asked them
+what was the matter? They answered they were all poisoned.
+"Marry," quoth Tom, "I hope not; if you please to let me
+have a horse, I will ride to Mr. Doctor's and fetch an antidote
+to deaden the poison." "Take my horse," quoth one;
+"Take my horse," said another; "Or mine," said a third.
+"Well, well," said Tom, "I will take one." And into the
+stable he goes and takes three horses, and to the doctor's he
+rides, and told him that all the people in such a house had
+eaten something that had poisoned them; and prayed
+him that he would, without delay, carry them some
+medicines, and that they had sent a horse for him and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span>
+another for his man. The doctor, greedy of money, hastened
+thither with his medicine bottles as fast as the horses could
+carry him and his man. But the doctor no sooner came into
+the house, but he saw there was no need of medicines. In
+the meantime Tom told not only all he met with, that there
+were such women met to be merry at such a place; and not
+only they, but all the women of the house were poisoned,
+but went likewise to their husbands, and told them the like,
+so that all the people thereabouts repaired thither, which
+made the women so ashamed that they knew not which way
+to look, because all that saw them judged they were drunk;
+so that instead of comforting them which they expected,
+they fell a reviling them. The women also fell to scolding
+among themselves, and would have fought, had not
+their husbands parted them, by carrying them home.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom, served a Company of Gypsies.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>It happened on a day, towards night, that there came a company
+of gypsies into a town, and had not very long been
+there till Tom met them, and asked them, "What they made
+there?" They said they came to town to tell the people
+their fortunes, that thereby they might understand ensuing
+dangers. "Aye," says Tom, "and where do you lie to-night?"
+They told him they could not tell. "Nay," said Tom, "if
+you will be contented to lie in straw, I will bring you where
+you may lie dry and warm." They thanked him, and told
+him they would tell him his fortune in the morning for
+nothing. Tom thanked them, and therefore conveys them
+into a little thatched house which had a ditch round about
+it, very close to the wall thereof. That house Tom helped
+them to fill with straw, and saw them take their lodging;
+and then, it being dark, Tom bade them good-night, and as
+soon as he was over the bridge, which was a plank, he drew it
+after him; and in the dead time of the night Tom gets a long
+pole, with a wasp of straw at the end of it, and sets the straw on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span>
+fire, calling out to the rest of the fellows to shift for themselves;
+who, thinking to run over the bridge, fell into the
+ditch, crying and calling out for help, while, by Tom's
+means, most part of the town stood to see the jest; and as
+the gypsies waded through the ditch, they took them and
+carried them into a house, where there was a good fire,
+for it was in the midst of winter; where Tom counsels them
+that they should never make him believe that they could
+tell him anything, that did not know what danger should
+befall themselves. "But," says he, "because you cannot tell
+me my fortune, I will tell you yours. For to-morrow in the
+forenoon you shall be whipped for deceivers, and in the
+afternoon be hanged for setting the house on fire." The
+gypsies hearing this so strict sentence, made haste to dry
+themselves, and next morning stole out of town, and
+never came any more there.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom sold his Mother's Trevot, and cozened an
+Acqua Vitæ Man that sold Hot Water.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>In a winter night, coming home very late, Tom Tram fell
+with his arms before him, and at the last run his nose against
+a post. "What," quoth Tom, "is my nose longer than my
+arms?" And afterwards he dropped into a well that was in
+the yard, and crying out, "Help, help." All is not well that
+is in the well. The neighbours came and pulled him out,
+and he dropped like a pig that had been roasted on a spit;
+but he was then in a cold condition, so he went to bed, and
+covered himself, but before morning Tom became unwell;
+and when some had discovered this, he told them that if
+he died of that sickness he should be buried by torchlight,
+because none should see him go to his grave.
+Just as he had said, in came a hot water man, of whom
+he requested to give him a sup, which having tasted,
+he feigned himself to be in a hot fever, and rose up in his
+clothes, ran away with the acqua vitæ man's bottle of hot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span>
+water, and took his mother's trevot, and sold it for a long
+hawking pole, and a falconer's bag, which being tied to his
+side, and having drank up the poor man's hot water, he
+came reeling home with an owl upon his fist, saying, "It is
+gentlemanlike to be betwixt hawk and buzzard;" and he
+told the acqua vitæ man that he had sent the trevot, with
+three legs, to the next town to fill you bottles again.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How he Hired himself to the Justice, and what Pranks
+he played while with him.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The justice at this time being without a man, and finding
+Tom to be a lively fellow, asked him if he would serve him.
+"Yes," quoth Tom, "for I am a great many miles from the
+country." As soon as they had agreed for wages, Tom was
+immediately entertained. But he had not lived long there
+before the justice and his family were obliged to go to
+London, leaving nobody at home but Tom. Now in the
+justice's absence, an officer brought a lusty young woman and
+a little man with a complaint. So they knocked at the door,
+and Tom let them in; then placing himself in his master's
+chair, he asked the woman what she had to say, who told
+him that the man whom she had brought before him
+ill-used her. "Adzooks," quoth Tom, "is it possible that
+such a little fellow as this could ill-use such a strapping
+dame as you." "Alas! sir," said she, "although he is little he
+is strong." "Well, little whipper-snapper," quoth Tom,
+"what do you say to this." He replied, "Like your worship
+it is false what she says. The truth is, I have been at sea,
+and coming ashore, where I received my pay, I met with
+this woman, and agreed with her for a pair of shoes for half
+a crown, and when they were put on, I pulled out my purse
+to pay her honestly what I had agreed for; but she seeing
+that I had a considerable sum of money, contrary to our
+bargain, would force me to give her ten shillings, and
+because I would not, but struck her as she deserved, she has<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span>
+brought me before your worship." "Have you got that
+purse of money?" quoth Tom. "Yes, sir," said the seaman.
+"Give it into my hand," said Tom. He receives it, and
+turning to the woman, said, "Here take it and get about
+your business." She replied, "I thank your worship, you
+are an honest good man, and have done me justice." The
+little seaman the meanwhile wrung his hands and bitterly
+cried out, "I am ruined, for it is every penny I had in the
+world." "Well," quoth Tom, "haste after her, and take it
+from her again." According to Tom's order he runs after
+her, and when he came after her, he said, "I must, and will
+have my purse again." Then she fell about his ears and
+cuffed him. Nay, this did not satisfy her, but she dragged
+him back again to Tom, who sat as justice, and told him
+that the fellow followed her for the purse, which he in
+justice gave her. "Well," said Tom, "and has he got it?"
+"No," said she, "I think not; before he should take it from
+me, I'd tear out both his eyes." "Let me see it again," says
+Tom. She gives it to him. "Is all the money in it?"
+quoth he. "Yes, sir," said she, "every penny." "Why
+then," said he, "here little whipper-snapper, take your
+purse again; and as for you Mrs. Impudence, had you
+kept your word as well as you did the money, I never
+had been troubled with this complaint. Here, Mr. Constable,
+give her a hundred lashes at the town's whipping
+post." Which was accordingly done, and Tom was
+applauded for his just proceedings.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Tom used a Singing Man of a Cathedral Church
+in the West.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Once there was a cathedral singing man that had very much
+angered Tom, and had made songs and jests upon him,
+whereupon Tom got on his back an ox-hide, with the horns
+set upon his head, and so lay in a hedge bottom, waiting
+till the singing man came by, who he was sure must pass<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span>
+that way. At last name the singing man. Up started Tom
+out of the hedge bottom in his ox-hide, and followed him,
+the singing man cried out, "The devil! the devil!" "No,"
+quoth Tom, "I am the ghost of goodman Johnson, living
+hard by the Church stile, unto whose house ye came and
+sung catches, and owes me five pounds for ale, therefore
+appoint me a day when ye will bring me my money hither,
+or else I will haunt thee still." The singing man promised
+that day se'enight, and accordingly he did; and Tom made
+himself brave clothes with the money, and sweethearts came
+about him as bees do about a honey pot. But Tom wore a
+rope in his pocket, and being asked if he would marry, he
+would pull it out, and laugh, saying, "I have broken my
+shins already, and will be wiser hereafter; for I am an old
+colt, and now may have as much wit as a horse."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Of Tom Tram's wooing Cicily Summers, the neat Wench
+of the West.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Cicily Summers, whose nose was then as fair as the midnight
+sun, which shined as bright as Baconthine, was beloved
+of young Tom Tram; and a sad story to tell, he grew
+not worth the bread he ate, through pining away for her
+love. Tom was loath to speak but still whistled. At
+last, when Cicily made no answer, he burst out in thus:&mdash;"O
+Cicily Summers, if I Tom Tram, son of Mother Winter,
+and thou Cicily Summers be joined together what a quarter
+shall we keep, as big as three half years; besides Cicily
+Summers when thou scoldest, then Winter shall presently
+cool thy temper; and when we walk on the street they'll say
+yonder goes Summer and Winter; and our children, we
+shall call a generation of almanacks. So they went
+to the parson and were married; but they fell out so
+extremely that they scolded all the summer season; and
+Tom drank good ale, and told old tales all the winter time,
+and so they could never but thrive all the year through.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span>
+Tom lived by good ale, and his wife by eating oat-meal;
+and when Tom went to be drunk in the morning, she put
+oat-meal in the ale, and made caudle with mustard instead of
+eggs, which bit Tom so by the nose, that it would run
+water; but the next day he would be drunk again."</p>
+
+
+<p><br /></p>
+
+<h3>TOM TRAM'S</h3>
+
+<h2>MERRY TALES.</h2>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale I.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Of a Scholar and a Tapster on a Winter Night.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The tapster said, "Sir, will you go to bed." "No," quoth
+the scholar, "There are thieves abroad, and would not willingly
+be caught napping." So the tapster left him, and being
+gone, in came a spirit into the chamber, with his head under
+his arm so that he durst not stir, but cried out, "Help!
+help! fire! thieves! thieves!" "Oh," quoth he, "the devil
+was here and spoke to me with his head under his arm; but
+now I will go to bed, and if he comes again I will send him
+to the tapster, to help him to make false reckonings. It
+being a cold night," quoth he, "I will first put fire to toe, that
+is, I will warm my toes by the fire, then I'll go to bed." And
+so he did, and a great reckoning put the scholar out of his
+jest saying, "That was in earnest made too large a reckoning,"
+he being but poor Sir John, of Oxford.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale II.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a
+great nose; so a country man by him with a sack of corn,
+jostled him, saying, "Your nose stands in my way," whereupon
+the other fellow with the great nose, took his nose in
+his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, "A pox on
+thee, go and be hanged."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale III.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country
+fellow on the highway, and would needs tell Tom his fortune.
+Amongst other things, they bade him assure himself that his
+worst misfortunes were past, and that he would not be
+troubled with crosses as he had been. So coming home, and
+having sold the cow at the market, he looked into his purse
+for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he
+found not so much as one cross in his purse; whereupon he
+remembered the words of the gypsies, and said that the
+gypsies had said true that he should not be troubled with
+crosses, and that they had picked his pocket, and left not a
+penny in his purse. Whereupon his wife basted and cudgelled
+him so soundly, that he began to perceive that a man
+that had a cursed wife should never be without a cross,
+though he had never a penny in his purse; and because it
+was winter-time, he sat a while by the fireside, and after
+went to bed supperless and penniless.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IV.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A farmer's wife in the west had three pigs, which she
+loved exceedingly well, and fed them with good butter milk
+and whey; but they would come running into the house and
+dirtied the rooms. Whereupon she resolved to sell them at the
+market, because they were better fed than taught, but afterwards
+they were stolen away from her; whereupon she
+supposed they were driven up to London to learn manners;
+"But," said she, "they were too old to learn to turn the spit
+in Bartholemew fair," and therefore believed some butchers
+had stolen them away.</p>
+
+<p>Her cock had a piece of cloth sewn about him, and was
+left upon the porch, but afterwards stolen; whereupon she
+said, that her cock was turned scholar in a black gown, and
+so she went to Oxford to a conjurer, to know what was
+become of her pigs and her cock. The scholar smiled, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span>
+told her the three pigs were blown home, and the cock was
+made a bachelor of arts in one of the colleges. "I thought so,"
+said the woman, "for sure bachelors of arts are very coxcombs."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h5>A</h5>
+
+<h2>YORK DIALOGUE</h2>
+
+<h5>BETWEEN</h5>
+
+<h1>NED AND HARRY:</h1>
+
+<h5>OR</h5>
+
+<div class="center">Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship
+and Marriage State.</div>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Honest Harry, I am glad to see you. You're welcome
+to York. You're a great stranger. When came you
+to town?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;I came to your town last night, Ned, and am
+glad to see you. I inquired after you of my landlord, and
+he told me you was well, and had been married two or three
+years. I wish you much happiness; but how d'ye like
+matrimony?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;In good faith, Harry, scrubbing his shoulders, but
+so, so; however, I will not discourage you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;But don't you remember, Ned, that you and I
+made an agreement that which of us two was married first,
+should tell one another of the way of courtship, and how he
+liked it and a married state.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;'Tis true we did so, Harry, but now I have not
+time to tell you, for it will take me more than two or three
+hours to give you a full account of both parts.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;What! are you in haste then, Ned? 'Tis a great
+while since I have seen you, and shan't we have one mug
+together?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Faith, Harry, I'm loath to deny you; but if I go
+with you, I must send home to my wife, and let her know
+where I am.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;So you may Ned, and tell her you are with an
+old friend that would be glad to see her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Not a word of that, Harry, for if I go with you and
+stay any time, we shall have her company without sending
+for her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Say you so. Come then, let us go to Tom
+Swan's. Well, Ned, I am glad to see thee&mdash;ring the bell.
+Jenny, bring us a pint of your best ale. Come, Ned, sit
+down. And how long was it before you got your wife into
+the mind to marry; for if I speak to any of the female sex,
+they are so very coy, I can't tell what to make of them?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;That's very true. They are so, Harry, for when I
+spoke to my wife first, she was so very coy and huffish, and
+told me she did not know what I meant. She was not for
+marrying. She lived very well as she was, and if she should
+marry, she must then be confined to the humours of a husband.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, but how then, Ned, tell me all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Faith I have not time now, Harry, for I must go
+home.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Come, my service t'ye, Ned, I will have you be
+as good as your promise.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Then if I must, I will stay a little longer and tell
+you. I told her I had as good a trade as any of my neighbours.
+Upon these words she was called away.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;How then, Ned?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Faith I went home, but could not get her out of my
+mind. The next day I went again to see her, and took her
+by the hand, but she pulled it away with scorn, saying,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span>
+"Pray don't banter me, for I know you men love to banter
+us silly women." Upon my faith, madam, said I, I am in
+good earnest, for a man of my trade must have both journeymen
+and prentices, therefore I cannot well be without a
+wife, and you are the only person I always thought would
+make me happy. Then I took her by the hand again, and
+with much ado got a kiss off her. "Pray be quiet," said she,
+"Goodness! what do you mean? you are so troublesome!"
+and looked very angry, and so left me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Very well, Ned, go on, this is vastly pleasant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;That very kiss made me think of her, and love
+her more than ever I did, for after that kiss I was always
+wishing myself in her company, and was never at rest. The
+Sunday after, I saw her in the minster at prayers, and
+thought everything handsome and pretty about her&mdash;her
+face, her eyes, her mouth, her breast, her shape. I watched
+her coming out of the choir, and walked with her in the
+minster, and asked her if she would please to take a walk
+into the Groves, but she told me she was engaged. Believe
+me, Harry; I was so daft with that answer that my heart
+was fit to break with fear that she should love another better
+than myself. However, I went home with her. She told
+me she was engaged, and I need not trouble myself any
+further. Madam, said I, the first that ever I saw you, I was
+struck with the thought that you was the woman that was
+to make me a happy wife. "You men," said she, "say so to
+all women you meet with." "Truly, madam," said I, "what
+I say is really true, from the bottom of my heart, and I hope
+you will find it so." "You men always promise fair," said
+she, "before you are married, but when the job is over you
+seldom or never perform your promise." "Pray, try me,
+madam," said I, "for upon my word, you will find me
+always as good as I have said, by this kiss." "Fye," said
+she, "I swear I will never come into your company any more, if
+you will not let me stand quietly by you." Then I asked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span>
+her again the favour to take a walk, for it was a fine evening,
+and would do her a great deal of good. She told me at
+last, she was to meet two or three of her acquaintances at
+seven o'clock in the Groves, just to take a turn or two and
+so come home again, so bid me good night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, Ned, I hope you went to the Groves to
+meet her, did you not?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Yes, you may be assured I did, and within a quarter
+of an hour after I was there, my mistress came, but her
+friends were not with her, as good luck would have it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Were not you glad of that, Ned, though I dare
+swear, she knew of nobody to meet her at that time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Yes, faith, I was very glad of it; and when we
+had taken a turn or two, I asked her if she would go to
+the cheese-cake house, and with much ado I got her to consent
+to go.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, Ned, what discourse had you there?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Why, faith, we were very merry. I called for some
+cheese-cakes, and a bottle of cider, and at last began to
+ask her about marrying me. She told me she heard I had a
+good trade, and did mind it now very well, but how I would
+mind it, if she should consent to marry me, was her fear. I
+told her she need never fear that, for marrying of her
+would be the only means to make me mind my business, if
+possible, more than I have done. I do assure you, Harry,
+that the servants which we call chamber-maids, stand as
+much upon their honour, as some of them will call it, in
+courting, as their mistress, nay, and more.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Why, Ned, I have observed that all along you
+have called her madam whenever you named her, but I hope
+it is not a custom here at York, to call your chamber-maids
+madam at every word.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Yes, faith we do, and they themselves call one
+another so, for if there be five or six of them together at the
+parting with one another, you shall hear them take leave<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span>
+of one another with, "Madam, good-night to you," says
+one; "Madam, your servant," says another; "Pray my
+service to you know who"&mdash;&mdash;'Tis very true, Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;How could you ever expect Ned, that such an
+one would make you a good wife that minded nothing but
+her pride.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Well, Harry, but you are mistaken, for some of
+them do make very good wives and are very good housewives
+too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;How long were you a-courting her, before she
+gave consent to marry you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Why, about a year or more, and all that while I
+very little did mind myself for minding of her, for I was
+fain to watch her as a cat watcheth a mouse, for fear of a
+rival. At last I told her I hoped now she would consent to
+marry me, if not, to tell me so, for it was a great loss to me
+to lose my time so day after day. Upon these words she
+told me she thought I was in earnest, but she did not much
+like the house I lived in. I told her it was a very pretty
+house, and I should be glad to see her in it. Upon this she
+smiled and gave me her consent.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Was you asked in the church, Ned, or had you a
+license?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;I went on purpose to ask her that question, and
+she told me she was a gentlewoman born, and did not care to
+be asked in the church, for, she said, there was nobody asked
+in the church but cook-maids and kitchen-maids, so it cost me
+about twenty shillings for a license. Well, married we were,
+and very merry were we that day.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;But now, Ned, in the second place, come tell me
+how you and your wife agree together, for I think it is said
+your York wives will be masters of their husbands in less
+than a year's time if possible they can. Well then, Ned, I
+do suppose it is with you as with most of your neighbours,
+your wife is the master?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Faith, Harry, not much matter (scratching his head),
+but I doubt she'll come and find us together, and then there
+will be&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;What then, Ned, let her come, I have a mug or
+two at her service and shall be glad to see her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;So shall not I, Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Why, Ned, how can she be angry with you when
+she sees you with an old acquaintance you have not seen for
+two or three years?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;That's nothing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;What, Ned, do not you agree then really, and has
+been married but three years. Suppose she should come,
+what would or could she say to you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Dear Harry, do not desire me to tell you, for if I
+would, and if you should happen to tell it again, and it
+should come to her ears that it was I told you, I might as
+well run my country as stay at home.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Ned, my service to you, upon my honour, as the
+gentleman says, I will never say anything of it to anybody.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Well then, Harry, if I be out at any time, as now
+with you, when I go home, as soon as I get within doors
+she'll begin with a pretty tone she has learned off her neighbours.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! brave sir! You are a fine husband, you mind your
+business and shop, as you promised me before we were
+married: do you not, you drunken dog? you rogue, you
+rascal, where have you been these six hours (though it were
+but three), sirrah, give me account where you have been."</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, Ned, do you give her an account where you
+were, or what answer do you make her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;All that I say to her is, "Pray, my dear, be not in
+such a passion, for I was with an old friend that I have
+not seen two or three years." "A pox on your old friend,"
+says she, "and you too must go and fill your belly with good
+meat and drink, and I and my poor children starve at home,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span>
+with only a little bread and cheese. A curse on the first
+day I saw you."</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Why, Ned, I hope your circumstances are not so
+low in the world, but that you can afford your wife pretty
+well to keep house with.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Why, Harry, there's hardly a day but we have a
+joint of meat, either boiled or roasted, and I am sure she
+never wants for good bread, cheese, eggs, and butter.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Pray, Ned, what does she do towards maintaining
+your house, does she endeavour any ways to get a penny?
+What portion had you with her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Harry, never marry a chamber-maid, for they bring
+nothing with them but a few old clothes of their mistresses,
+and for house-keeping, few of them know anything of it; for
+they can hardly make a pudding or a pie, neither can they
+spin, nor knit, nor wash, except it be a few laces to make
+themselves fine withal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;What would she be at?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned</i>&mdash;Why always a-gossiping, there is such a company
+of them in our street that there's never a day but some or
+other of them meet together.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Where do they meet?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Where the best country ale is.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;What, do they make a sitting of it when they
+meet?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;A sitting of it; yes, yes, they will sit from three till
+ten at night, and drink like fishes, and talk against their
+husbands.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;What do you say when she comes home? Do
+you not ask her where she has been that she stayed so late?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;I dare not say one word to her, but am glad she will
+let me go to bed and sleep quietly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;What becomes of your children those days; who
+looks after them all this while?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Nobody but a silly maid she hired who can do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span>
+nothing; I am fain as well as I can, to boil them their milk
+for their suppers and help to get them to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Does not she ask when she comes home how her
+children do, and who gave them their suppers and got them
+to bed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Never, never, Harry, but perhaps the next morning
+will get them up herself, and put them on, poor things, the
+same linen they had on three days before.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;How do you allow your wife? do you allow her
+so much a week? how gets she the money to spare for
+gossiping?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Why, she watches me; and if I sell anything in the
+shop, then she comes to me and tells me, such a child wants
+this, and such a one that, so I am fain to give her money for
+quietness' sake.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Why, Ned, she makes a mere fool of you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;'Tis not my case alone, Harry, for most of my
+neighbours have not much better wives, for the better sort
+they say, love carding and gossiping and cold tea.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, Ned, I think you have almost satisfied me,
+and I promise you for your sake I will never marry any one
+of that sort called chamber-maids.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;If ever you marry, Harry, marry one that's bred
+up in business, I mean one that knows how to look after her
+house? and as you endeavour to get a penny in your way
+she will endeavour to get another in hers, such a one will
+make both you and herself happy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Pray then, Ned, what can your wife or any other
+man's wife say against her husband if he takes all the pains,
+as you say you do, to maintain her and her children handsomely?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;I know not but I hear this is their way. If any
+new married wife come among them; first she must pay for
+her admittance, then presently after, some of them will begin,
+"Neighbour, your good health;" another, "Neighbour I wish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span>
+you health and happiness;" another, "Pray neighbour, what
+kind of a humoured man is your husband?" another, "Is he
+kind to you?" another, "Does he allow you as he should do?
+If he does not, neighbour, let us know, and we will tell you
+how to manage him I warrant you."</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, Ned, I pity thee, with all my heart, and
+all them that have such wives; but now you must make the
+best of it, and live as quietly as you can.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Harry, I must so. Well, come, let's know what's to
+pay. I have stayed too long, so I am sure of a lecture when
+I go home.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Come, Ned, I treat you this time because I
+invited you, it may be you will find your wife in a better
+humour than you think of.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;I wish I may, Harry. I am sure of it that it shall
+make me stay at home and mind my business a great deal
+better than I have done of late.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;How many children have you, Ned?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Two boys, and I believe another coming.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, Ned, she cannot complain of the smallness
+of her family.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Well, Harry, I must take my leave of you, and I thank
+you for me, and if you do not go out of town to-morrow, I hope
+I shall see you again; there is a great deal more in a married
+state than I have told you of, that is all charges to the husband,
+the sickening-day, the week-day, the christening-day,
+three-week-day, the churching-day; all these days they have
+their meetings and discourses, which would take half a day
+to tell them all; and if the husband be not there to wait upon
+them on those days, some of them will say, "Neighbour,
+where is your husband? he should be here to wait on us."
+"If my husband, should serve me so," says another, "when
+I lie in, odds had." A third will say, "Indeed, neighbour,
+you give your husband too much liberty, more than I would
+do." So, Harry, when I go home she falls a-telling me what<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span>
+such a one and such a one, and all the company said of me,
+for my not being there to wait upon them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Well, Ned, thou has satisfied me very well, and
+for thy sake will never marry a chamber-maid. Come, ring
+the bell, we'll see what there's to pay, and should be glad of
+your company longer, if it stand to your conveniency.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Harry, I thank you, but home I must go now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Jenny, what's to pay? "One shilling sir."&mdash;Ned,
+good-night to you, my service to your spouse; and if I stay
+to-morrow, I'll come and see you and her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ned.</i>&mdash;Harry, good night to you, I thank you for me, and
+I shall be glad to see you to-morrow; but whether my wife
+will or no I cannot tell, for I doubt I will find her but so-and-so
+in her humour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i>&mdash;Good-night to you, Ned, thank you for your good
+company; it has been very pleasant, and I hope you will
+find all things easy and quiet at home.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>DANIEL O'ROURKE'S</h2>
+
+<h5>WONDERFUL</h5>
+
+<h1>VOYAGE TO THE MOON.</h1>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p>People may have heard of the renowned adventures of
+Daniel O'Rourke, but how few are there who know that
+the cause of all his perils, above and below, was neither
+more nor less than his having slept under the walls of the
+Phooka's tower.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I am often axed to tell it, sir," said he, "so that this is
+not the first time. The master's son, you see, had come
+from beyond foreign parts in France and Spain, as young
+gentlemen used to go, before Buonaparte or any such was
+heard of; and, sure enough, there was a dinner given to all
+the people on the ground, gentle and simple, high and low,
+rich and poor. The ould gentlemen were the gentlemen
+after all, saving your honour's presence. They'd swear at
+a body a little, to be sure, and maybe give one a cut of a
+whip now and then, but we were no losers by it in the
+end;&mdash;and they were so easy and civil, and kept such
+rattling houses, and thousands of welcomes; and there was
+no grinding for rent, and few agents; and there was hardly
+a tenant on the estate that did not taste of his landlord's
+bounty often and often in the year;&mdash;but now it's another
+thing; no matter for that, sir, for I'd better be telling you
+my story.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we had everything of the best, and plenty of it;
+and we ate, and we drank, and we danced, and the young
+master, by the same token, danced with Peggy Barry from
+Bothereen&mdash;a lovely young couple they were, though they
+are both long enough now. To make a long story short, I
+got, as a body may say, the same thing as tipsy almost, for
+I can't remember ever at all, no ways, how I left the place;
+only I did leave it, that's certain. Well, I thought, for all
+that, in myself, I'd just step to Molly Cronohan's, the fairy
+woman, to speak a word about the bracket heifer that was
+bewitched; and so as I was crossing the stepping stones at
+the ford of Ballyashenogh, and was looking up at the stars,
+and blessing myself&mdash;for why? it was Lady-day&mdash;I missed
+my foot, and souse I fell into the water. 'Death alive!'
+thought I, 'I'll be drowned now!' However, I began
+swimming, swimming, swimming away for the dear life,
+till at last I got ashore, somehow or other, but never the
+one of me can tell how, upon a dissolute island.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I wandered and wandered about there, without knowing
+where I wandered, until at last I got into a big bog.
+The moon was shining as bright as day, or your fair lady's
+eyes, sir (with your pardon for mentioning her), and I
+looked east and west, and north and south, and every way,
+and nothing did I see but bog, bog, bog. I could never find
+out how I got into it, and my heart grew cold with fear, for
+sure and certain I was that it would be my barrin place.
+So I sat down upon a stone which, as good luck would have
+it, was close by me, and I began to scratch my head and sing
+the Ullagon, when all of a sudden the moon grew black,
+and I looked up, and saw something for all the world as if
+it was moving down between me and it, and I could not
+tell what it was. Down it came with a pounce, and looked
+at me full in the face. And what was it but an eagle&mdash;as
+fine a one as ever flew from the kingdom of Kerry. So
+he looked at me in the face, and says he to me, 'Daniel
+O'Rourke,' says he, 'how do you do?' 'Very well, I thank
+you, sir,' says I; 'I hope you're well,' wondering out of my
+senses all the time how an eagle came to speak like a Christian.
+'What brings you here, Dan?' says he. 'Nothing
+at all, sir,' says I; 'only I wish I was safe home again.'
+'Is it out of the island you want to go, Dan?' says he.
+''Tis, sir,' says I; so I up and told him how I had taken a
+drop too much, and fell into the water; how I swam to the
+island; and how I got into the bog and did not know my
+way out of it. 'Dan,' says he, after a minute's thought,
+'though it is very improper for you to get drunk on Lady-day,
+yet, as you are a decent sober man, who tends mass
+well, and never flings stones at me or mine, nor cries out
+after us in the fields&mdash;my life for yours,' says he; 'so get
+up on my back, and grip me well for fear you'd fall off, and
+I'll fly you out of the bog.' 'I am afraid,' says I, 'your
+honour's making game of me; for who ever heard of riding
+a-horseback on an eagle before?' ''Pon the honour of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span>
+gentleman,' says he, putting his right foot on his breast, 'I
+am quite in earnest; and so, now, either take my offer or
+starve in the bog; besides, I see that your weight is sinking
+the stone.'</p>
+
+<p>"It was true enough as he said, for I found the stone
+every minute going from under me. I had no choice; so
+thinks I to myself, faint heart never won fair lady, and this
+is fair persuadance. 'I thank your honour,' says I, 'for the
+load of your civility, and I'll take your kind offer.' I therefore
+mounted upon the back of the eagle, and held him tight
+enough by the throat, and up he flew in the air like a lark.
+Little I knew the trick he was going to serve me. Up&mdash;up&mdash;up&mdash;God
+knows how far up he flew. 'Why, then,' said I
+to him, thinking he did not know the right road home, very
+civilly&mdash;because why? I was in his power entirely&mdash;'sir,'
+says I, 'please your honour's glory, and with humble submission
+to your better judgment, if you'd fly down a bit,
+you're now just over my cabin, and I could be put down
+there, and many thanks to your worship.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Arrah, Dan,' said he, 'do you think me a fool? Look
+down in the next field, and don't you see two men and a
+gun? By my word it would be no joke to be shot this
+way, to oblige a drunken blackguard that I picked up off a
+could stone in a bog." 'Bother you,' said I to myself, but I
+did not speak out, for where was the use? Well, sir, up he
+kept flying, flying, and I asking him every minute to fly
+down, and all to no use. 'Where in the world are you
+going, sir?' says I to him. 'Hold your tongue, Dan,' says
+he; 'mind your own business, and don't be interfering with
+the business of other people.' 'Faith, this is my business,
+I think,' says I. 'Be quiet, Dan,' says he; so I said no
+more.</p>
+
+<p>"At last, where should we come to but to the moon itself.
+Now, you can't see it from this; but there is, or there was
+in my time, a reaping-hook sticking out of the side of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span>
+moon, this way (drawing the figure on the ground with the
+end of his stick).</p>
+
+<p>"'Dan,' said the eagle, 'I'm tired with this long fly; I
+had no notion 'twas so far.' 'And, my lord, sir,' said I,
+'who in the world axed you to fly so far&mdash;was it I? Did
+not I beg, and pray, and beseech you to stop half an hour
+ago?' 'There's no use talking, Dan,' said he; 'I'm tired
+bad enough, so you must get off, and sit down on the moon
+until I rest myself.' 'Is it sit down on the moon?' said I.
+'Is it upon that little round thing, then? Why, then, sure
+I'd fall off in a minute, and be kilt and split, and smashed
+all to bits; you are a vile deceiver, so you are.' 'Not at
+all, Dan,' said he; 'you can catch fast hold of the reaping-hook
+that's sticking out of the side of the moon, and 'twill
+keep you up.' 'I won't, then,' said I. 'Maybe not,' said
+he, quite quiet. 'If you don't, my man, I shall just give
+you a shake, and one slap of my wing, and send you down
+to the ground, where every bone of your body will be
+smashed as small as a drop of dew on a cabbage-leaf in the
+morning.' 'Why, then, I'm in a fine way,' said I to myself,
+'ever to have come alone with the likes of you;' and so,
+giving him a hearty curse in Irish, for fear he'd know what
+I said, I got off his back with a heavy heart, took hold of
+the reaping-hook, and sat down upon the moon; and a
+mighty cold seat it was, I can tell you that.</p>
+
+<p>"When he had me there fairly landed, he turned about
+on me, and said, 'Good morning to you, Daniel O'Rourke,'
+said he; 'I think I've nicked you fairly now. You robbed
+my nest last year ('twas true enough for him, but how he
+found it out is hard to say), and in return you are freely
+welcome to cool your heels dangling upon the moon like a
+cockthrow.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Is that all, and is this the way you leave me, you brute,
+you?' says I. 'You ugly unnatural baste, and is this the
+way you serve me at last? Bad luck to yourself, with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span>
+your hooked nose, and to all your breed, you blackguard.'
+'Twas all to no manner of use; he spread out his great big
+wings, burst out a-laughing, and flew away like lightning.
+I bawled after him to stop, but I might have called and
+bawled for ever without his minding me. Away he went,
+and I never saw him from that day to this. Sorrow fly
+away with him! You may be sure I was in a disconsolate
+condition, and kept roaring out for the bare grief, when all
+at once a door opened right in the middle of the moon,
+creaking on its hinges as if it had not been opened for a
+month before. I suppose they never thought of greasing
+'em; and out there walks, who do you think, but the man
+in the moon himself. I knew him by his busk.</p>
+
+<p>"'Good morrow to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he. 'How
+do you do?' 'Very well, thank your honour,' said I. 'I
+hope your honour's well.' 'What brought you here, Dan?'
+said he. So I told him how I was a little overtaken in
+liquor at the master's, and how I was cast on a dissolute
+island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how the
+thief of an eagle promised to fly me out of it, and how,
+instead of that, he had fled me up to the moon.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dan,' said the man in the moon, taking a pinch of
+snuff when I was done, 'you must not stay here.' 'Indeed,
+sir,' says I, ''tis much against my will I'm here at all; but
+how am I to go back?' 'That's your business,' said he,
+'Dan; mine is to tell you that here you must not stay, so
+be off in less than no time.' 'I'm doing no harm,' says I,
+'only holding on hard by the reaping-hook lest I fall off.'
+'That's what you must not do, Dan,' says he. 'Pray, sir,'
+says I, 'may I ask how many you are in family, that you
+would not give a poor traveller lodgings? I'm sure 'tis not
+so often you're troubled with strangers coming to see you,
+for 'tis a long way.' 'I'm by myself, Dan,' says he; 'but
+you'd better let go the reaping-hook.' 'Faith, and with
+your leave,' says I, 'I'll not let go the grip; and the more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span>
+you bids me, the more I won't let go, so I will.' 'You had
+better, Dan,' says he again. 'Why, then, my little fellow,'
+says I, taking the whole weight of him with my eye from
+head to foot, 'there are two words to that bargain; and I'll
+not budge, but you may if you like.' 'We'll see how that
+is to be,' says he; and back he went, giving the door such
+a great bang after him (for it was plain he was huffed) that
+I thought the moon and all would fall down with it.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I was preparing myself to try strength with him,
+when back again he comes with the kitchen cleaver in his
+hand, and, without saying a word, he gives two bangs to
+the handle of the reaping-hook that was keeping me up,
+and whap! it came in two. 'Good morning to you, Dan,'
+says the spiteful little old blackguard, when he saw me
+cleanly falling down with a bit of the handle in my hand,
+'I thank you for your visit, and fair weather after you,
+Daniel.' I had no time to make any answer to him, for I
+was tumbling over and over, and rolling and rolling at the
+rate of a fox-hunt. 'God help me,' says I, 'but this is a
+pretty pickle for a decent man to be seen in at this time of
+night; I am now sold fairly.' The word was not out of my
+mouth when whiz! what should fly by close to my ear but
+a flock of wild geese, all the way from my own bog of
+Ballyashenogh, else how should they know me? The ould
+gander, who was their general, turning about his head, cried
+out to me, 'Is that you, Dan?' 'The same,' said I, not a
+bit daunted now at what he said, for I was by this time
+used to all kinds of bedevilment, and, besides, I knew him
+of ould. 'Good morrow to you,' says he, 'Daniel O'Rourke.
+How are you in health this morning?' 'Very well, sir,'
+says I; 'I thank you kindly,' drawing my breath, for I was
+mightily in want of some. 'I hope your honour's the same.'
+'I think 'tis falling you are, Daniel,' says he. 'You may
+say that, sir,' says I. 'And where are you going all the
+way so fast?' said the gander. So I told him how I had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span>
+taken the drop, and how I came on the island, and how I
+lost my way in the bog, and how the thief of an eagle flew
+me up to the moon, and how the man in the moon turned
+me out. 'Dan,' said he, 'I'll save you; put your hand out
+and catch me by the leg, and I'll fly you home.' 'Sweet is
+your hand in a pitcher of honey, my jewel,' says I, though
+all the time I thought in myself that I don't much trust
+you; but there was no help, so I caught the gander by the
+leg, and away I and the other geese flew after him as fast as
+hops.</p>
+
+<p>"We flew, and we flew, and we flew, until we came right
+over the wide ocean. I knew it well, for I saw Cape Clear
+to my right hand, sticking up out of the water. 'Ah! my
+lord,' said I to the goose&mdash;for I thought it best to keep a
+civil tongue in my head any way&mdash;'fly to land, if you
+please.' 'It is impossible, you see, Dan,' said he, 'for a while,
+because, you see, we are going to Arabia.' 'To Arabia!'
+said I; 'that's surely some place in foreign parts, far away.
+Oh! Mr. Goose, why, then, to be sure, I'm a man to be
+pitied among you.' 'Whist, whist, you fool,' said he; 'hold
+your tongue. I tell you Arabia is a very decent sort of
+place, as like West Carbery as one egg is like another, only
+there is a little more sand there.'</p>
+
+<p>"Just as we were talking a ship hove in sight, scudding so
+beautiful before the wind. 'Ah! then, sir,' said I, 'will
+you drop me on the ship, if you please?' 'We are not fair
+over it,' said he. 'We are,' said I. 'We are not,' said he;
+'if I dropped you now, you would go splash into the sea.'
+'I would not,' says I; 'I know better than that, for it is
+just clean under us, so let me drop now at once.'</p>
+
+<p>"'If you must, you must,' said he. 'There, take your
+own way;' and he opened his claw, and faith he was right,&mdash;sure
+enough, I came down plump into the very bottom of
+the salt sea! Down to the very bottom I went, and I gave
+myself up then for ever, when a whale walked up to me,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span>
+scratching himself after his night's rest, and looked me full
+in the face, and never the word did he say; but lifting up
+his tail, he splashed me all over again with the cold salt
+water, till there wasn't a dry stitch upon my whole carcase;
+and I heard somebody saying&mdash;'twas a voice I knew too&mdash;'Get
+up, you drunken brute, out of that,' and with that I
+woke up, and there was Judy with a tub full of water,
+which she was splashing all over me; for, rest her soul!
+though she was a good wife, she never could bear to see me
+in drink, and had a bitter hand of her own.</p>
+
+<p>"'Get up,' said she again; 'and of all places in the
+parish, would no place sarve your turn to lie down upon
+but under the ould walls of Carrigaphooka? An uneasy
+resting I am sure you had of it.' And sure enough I had;
+for I was fairly bothered out of my senses with eagles, and
+men of the moons, and flying ganders, and whales, driving
+me through bogs, and up to the moon, and down to the
+bottom of the great ocean. If I was in drink ten times
+over, long would it be before I'd lie down in the same spot
+again, I know that."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h1>MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET</h1>
+
+<h2>NEWLY BROKE OPEN;</h2>
+
+<h5>CONTAINING</h5>
+
+<h3>RARE SECRETS OF NATURE AND ART,</h3>
+
+<h5>TRIED AND EXPERIENCED</h5>
+
+<h3>BY LEARNED PHILOSOPHERS,</h3>
+
+<div class="center">And recommended to all ingenious young men and maids,
+teaching them, in a natural way, how to get good wives
+and husbands.</div>
+
+<div class="center">Approved by several that have made trial of them; it being
+the product of forty-nine years' study.</div>
+
+<div class="center"><i>By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King, a lover of
+Mirth, but a hater of Treason.</i></div>
+
+<h3>IN TWO PARTS.</h3>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Part I.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>Reading over many ancient Histories, it was my chance to
+meet with this story of an old woman who lived in the west,
+who took delight in studying her fortune. When she found
+herself full twenty years old, she thought her luck worse
+than some who were married at fifteen or sixteen, which
+much troubled her mind; but to prevent all doubts she resolved
+to try a story she had often heard her mother talk of,
+and, finding it true, she resolved to teach other maidens.</p>
+
+<p>On a time, this old woman having newly buried her
+husband, was taking a walk in the fields, for the benefit of
+the air, sometimes thinking of the loss of her husbands, for
+she had had three, yet had a great desire for the fourth. So
+it happened, as she was walking alone, she espied a young<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span>
+maiden by the meadow-side. "Good morrow, maid," said
+the old woman, "how do you do? are not you well?"
+"Yes, mother, I am very well, but somewhat troubled in
+mind." "What is it troubles you so much? If I can, I will
+willingly relieve you, therefore be not ashamed to tell the
+truth. Is it anything of great concern?" "Indeed, mother,
+seeing you urge me so much, I will tell you the truth. We
+are three sisters, the youngest was married about a year ago,
+the middlemost last week, and I am the eldest, and no man
+heeds me." "Well, daughter, if this be all, I believe I can
+assist thee, for when I was young I was in the same condition,
+and with reading some histories, found out the art to
+know him that should be my husband, which, if you will
+keep my counsel, I am ready to teach thee." "I will, truly,
+and if you will do so much for me, I shall think myself
+much obliged to you; and, if my fortune proves right, I will
+make you amends."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, then, I will tell you, in the first place, you must
+observe St. Agnes' day, which is the 21st of January, and on
+that day let no man speak to thee, and at night, when
+thou liest down lay thy right hand under thy head, and say
+these words, 'Now the God of hope let me dream of my love';
+then go to sleep as soon as possible, and you shall be sure to
+dream of him who will be your husband, and see him stand
+before you, and may take notice of him and his complexion;
+and if he offer to salute thee honourably, do not deny him,
+but show him as much favour as thou canst; but if he offers
+to be uncivil, be sure to send him away. And now, daughter,
+the counsel I have given you, be sure to tell nobody. So,
+fare you well, till I see you again."</p>
+
+<p>"I give you thanks for your advice; but one thing more
+I have to say, What is your name? and where do you live?"
+"I will tell you, daughter; my name is Mother Bunch, and I
+live at a place called Bonadventure, where, if you come, I
+will make you welcome."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Now Mother Bunch having departed from the maid, she
+met another pretty girl. "Good morrow, Mother Bunch."
+"Good morrow, pretty maid, whither are you going this
+morning? Methinks you are very fine to-day." "Fine!
+Mother Bunch, you do not think so." "Nay, I cannot discommend
+you; for such a brisk maid as you should go handsome,
+or you will never get a sweetheart, though you think
+the time long." "No, no, mother, I am too young." "How
+old are you?" "I am eighteen." "Eighteen! then I know
+thou thinkest thou hast stayed long enough, and wouldest
+as willingly have a husband as another." "Aye, Mother
+Bunch, but good husbands are hard to find, especially for
+me, who have no skill in choosing, or else it may be I would
+be glad of a good husband." "Be sure to take my advice:
+be wise in choosing, that is to say, take no one that has got
+a red head, for be sure he loveth a smock so well that he
+will scarce let his wife have a good one to her back; nor of
+yellow hair, as he is inclinable to be jealous; nor a black
+man, for he is dogged." "Aye, but mother, if I must not
+have yellow, black, nor red, what colour must I take?"
+"Why, daughter, I tell you, if he is jealous, you will be
+annoyed by his speeches, for how can a young woman forbear
+when she is always provoked? And be sure, if he is
+jealous of thee thou mayest well be so of him; for evil people
+and thieves think ill of each other. But hold a little, one
+thing more I have to say to you, and that is, to take notice
+of thy sweethearts when they come a-wooing to thee, I mean
+of their civil behaviour; for if they swear, vow, and make
+great protestations, then have a care of thyself, for many
+words breed dissimulation; therefore have a care of such:
+but if a man come to thee that is sober and civil behaved,
+there are hopes of his proving a good man." "Now, mother,
+I will take my leave of you, giving you many thanks for
+your good advice; and so, farewell, till I see you again, and
+I intend to take this counsel."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Another time Mother Bunch was in a little meadow,
+not far from her house, on the 30th of April, before sunrising.
+A handsome maid, seeing her alone, came to her, and
+said, "Mother Bunch, good morrow, how do you do? Pray,
+what makes you abroad so early in the morning? You
+seem to be in a deep study." "Daughter, you say very
+true; I am studying who shall be my next husband, and if
+thou wilt but please to stay a little while, thou shalt see a
+pretty art, which thou never saw before, to teach you how
+to know your sweetheart." "This is a pretty art indeed,
+and I should be glad to know it."</p>
+
+<p>"Hark! hark! daughter, is not yonder the cuckoo singing?"
+"Yes, yes, and I have not heard her sing this year
+before now." "Then, daughter, sit down by me, but hold,
+Are you fasting?" "Yes." "But has no man kissed you?"
+"No." Then sit thee down by me. "I think the cuckoo is
+mad, what a life she leads; I think she is a witch; but no
+matter: put off thy right shoe and stocking, and let me look
+between thy great toe and the next: Now, daughter, see,
+this hair is a long one; look well at it, and tell me what
+colour it is." "I think it is really yellow." "The same
+colour will thy husband's hair be." "But, Mother Bunch, I
+do not matter the colour so much as the condition." "I
+will tell you his condition: he may prove surly enough,
+and perhaps make you do as you did not imagine: you
+must give him good words, and give him good for evil."
+"Mother Bunch, you make me smile, you talk so merrily."
+"Come, daughter, it is no great matter; merry talk does no
+harm, but drives the time away. But hark! daughter, I
+have had three husbands myself, and I think to have
+another; and do you think I am so mad to tell him all I
+do? Then, my daughter, I have another way to tell you
+who must be your husband; I have proved it true; and it
+is the best time of the year to try it, therefore, observe what
+I say: Take a St. Thomas' onion, pare it, and lay it on a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span>
+clean handkerchief under your pillow; and as you lie down,
+say these words&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">Good St. Thomas, do me right,</span>
+<span class="i4">And bring my love in dreams this night,</span>
+<span class="i4">That I may view him in the face.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Then go to sleep as soon as you can, and in your first
+sleep you shall dream of him who is to be your husband.
+This I have tried, and it has proved true. Yet I have another
+pretty way for a maid to know her sweetheart, which is as
+follows: Take a summer apple of the best fruit, stick pins
+close into the apple, to the head, and as you stick them take
+notice which of them is the middlemost, and give it what
+name you fancy; put it into thy left hand glove, and lay it
+under thy pillow on Saturday night; after thou gettest into
+bed, then clap thy hands together, and say these words&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">If thou be he that must have me</span>
+<span class="i5">To be thy wedded bride,</span>
+<span class="i4">Make no delay, but come away,</span>
+<span class="i5">In dream to my bedside.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And in thy sleep thou shalt see him, and be not afraid,
+for it is a sign he will prove a good husband. And this is a
+good way for a young man to know his sweetheart, giving
+the middlemost pin the name he fancies best, putting the
+apple in his right hand glove, and laying it under his pillow
+when he is in bed, saying&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">If thou be she that must have me</span>
+<span class="i5">In wedlock for to join,</span>
+<span class="i4">Make no delay, but come away</span>
+<span class="i5">So I may dream of mine.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"And that night he may see her, and if she come it is
+a sign she will prove a good wife. And now, daughter,
+the time passes away, and I must be gone, and so bid you
+farewell." "Mother Bunch, I give you many thanks for
+your good counsel, and intend to take your advice."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Upon a time, Mother Bunch, being at a wedding, where
+young men and maids were met, who had a mind for some
+discourse with her, one young man said, "Mother Bunch, we
+know you are a woman that has a judgment in many things,
+I pray, tell my fortune." "I cannot tell fortunes," said she,
+"but thou blinkest too much with one eye to be true to
+one woman." "Aye, but, mother," says another, "what
+think you of me?" "Thou mayest come to marry a
+lady, if thou canst but lay a great wager with her, three
+to one; and if she wagers with thee, thou wilt be very
+likely to win, for thou hast mettle in thee; but have a care
+she win not the odds, if she does thou art clean gone. So
+farewell."</p>
+
+<p>Now Mother Bunch took her leave; and going home, she
+met a maid going to a wedding. "How do you do, mother?"
+"Thank you, daughter, whither are you going?" "To the
+wedding, I believe; but hark you, mother, will you sit down
+a little, I have something to say to you." "What is it,
+daughter?" "When shall I be married?" "Would you
+fain be married?" "Yes, mother, if I could get a good
+husband." "Then, daughter, I will tell you the best I can,
+if you will take my advice. In the month of January are
+many dangerous days for thee to take notice of; these are
+the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth: there are a great
+many more; but if thou marriest on these days, thy husband
+will cuckold thee, or thou wilt make him one, or else you
+will soon be parted by one means or other; but for all
+there be so many bad days in this month I can tell you of
+one day which is lucky, and many young men and maids
+have a deal of heart's ease on that day, or the day after, as I
+shall let you understand; it is the 21st, called St. Agnes'
+day. This St. Agnes has a great favour for young men and
+maids, and will bring their sweethearts, if they follow my
+rules: Upon this day you must be sure to keep a fast, and
+neither eat nor drink all that day, nor at night; neither<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span>
+let man, woman, nor child kiss thee on that day; and thou
+must be sure, when thou goest to bed, to say&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">Now, St. Agnes, play thy part,</span>
+<span class="i4">And send to me my own sweetheart;</span>
+<span class="i4">And show me such a happy bliss,</span>
+<span class="i4">This night to dream of a sweet kiss.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And be sure to fall asleep as soon as you can, and before
+you awake out of your first sleep, you shall see him come
+before you, and shall perceive by his habit what tradesman
+he is; and be sure thou declare not thy dream unto any one
+in ten days, and by that time thou mayest see thy dream
+come to pass. All this I have proved three times; for I
+have had three husbands, and they all proved tradesmen.
+The first was a straw joiner, the second a louse-trap maker,
+and the third a gentle craft, and he came to me with his awl
+in his hand, and so I waked out of my dream; but I thought
+the time long till he came again; as all maids do that desire
+to be married. I know some maids would wait in order to
+have a husband with the best conditions, and endowed with
+the best qualifications; nay they would have impossibilities:
+but I am afraid they will make good the old proverb, that
+says&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">'If you will not when you may,</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;When you would you shall have nay.'</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Therefore, take my advice, if a young man comes to you
+of a civil carriage, and you think you can love him, be not
+scornful to him, but give him a civil encouragement, according
+to his behaviour.</p>
+
+<p>And as to young men, my advice is, they be wary in
+their choice, since there is as much danger in choosing of a
+wife as a husband: wherefore, all young men, take my
+advice: choose not one with a long nose, a scolding brow,
+and thin lips, for in such there is great danger. He who is
+tied to a scold is tied to sorrow; choose not one who is
+counted a slut, if she be a slut, she is idle also, and these two<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span>
+companions will bring thee to poverty; nay, besides this, the
+old saying is, 'A slut will poison the gout, and if you can't
+eat with her, you won't sleep with her.'</p>
+
+<p>But this is the best way of choosing a wife: Take one
+for love, not for riches which fly away, for true love never
+varies; and where that is, the blessing of God is. If you
+desire to live a long life, be not overfond of riches, but
+choose a civil handsome maid, who is not given to pride:
+such a maid may make a fine wife. But she that brings a
+handsome fortune, will be always throwing it in your teeth,
+which often occasions great disturbances; therefore let this
+suffice for those who desire to get good wives; and take
+notice of what I have already said, and you may fare the
+better.</p>
+
+<p>And as for young maids, this is my advice, if they will
+not try St. Agnes, let them be sure to choose a clever, honest
+man, who is able to support them in comfort.</p>
+
+<p><br /></p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Part II.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>On Michaelmas Day, Mother Bunch, sitting on the bank of
+a river, joining to a neighbouring grove, beheld the late
+flourishing branches in their decay, whose sapless leaves
+were falling to the earth, from which she began seriously to
+consider her own mortality; and since time had hurried on
+the winter of her age, and covered her aged head with
+snowy locks, she might expect, ere long, to fall, like the enfeebled
+leaves. Therefore, she resolved, as she had been a
+kind friend to young men and maids, to give a further
+testimony of her regard before she left this world. For as
+her painful study and strict observation had made a large
+improvement in her stock of knowledge she would not
+have it buried in the grave with her, but leave it to posterity
+for the benefit of young men and maids, whereby they
+might learn to understand their good and bad fortunes, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span>
+by the directions of this book be thoroughly furnished with
+many secret rarities never before published to the world.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly, the next day she wrote letters of invitation
+to the young men and maids to repair to her house on St.
+Luke's Day. The maids she appointed to meet in the morning,
+to be first instructed, and that for two reasons. First,
+as she herself was a woman, she would teach them first, lest
+the bachelors should be too hard for them before they had
+learned their lessons. Secondly, that young women should
+be first served in this, it being Horn Fair Day, many of the
+bachelors would be employed in the morning, in handing
+old citizens' young wives to the fair; and in the afternoon
+they might be at liberty. This was the determination of
+old Mother Bunch.</p>
+
+<p>Now against the time appointed, old Mother Bunch
+decked up her house, neat and fine, and, getting up early in
+the morning, placed herself in the closet, where her treasure
+lay.</p>
+
+<p>Now the first that entered the room was one Margery
+Loveman, a maltster's maid, who, with a low curtsey, said,
+"Good morrow, Mother Bunch, I am come to partake of
+your bounty; for I hear you have a second time opened your
+Golden Closet of Curiosities for the benefit of young lovers."
+"Yes, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "so I have, and thou
+shalt partake of the same. Here is infallible rules and directions
+to guide you in all manner of love intrigues; also, how
+to know what sort of man you shall marry, and whither
+he will prove loving or not."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear mother, these are things I fain would know; for,
+believe me, I have many sweethearts, and I willingly choose
+the best, lest I should marry in haste and repent at leisure.
+'Tis true, I have near a hundred and fifty pounds to my
+portion, the great noise of which has brought many sweethearts,
+for I have no less than five or six at this time; and,
+mother, I would fain know which of them comes for love of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span>
+me, and which of them for money." "Daughter," quoth
+Mother Bunch, "here is an experiment, if you will but try,
+it will make a clear discovery of the reality of their love.
+Let a report be spread that thou hast lately been robbed of
+all that thou hast, both money and apparel. Now, if after
+this, there is one of them that continues his love as before,
+you may be very certain that he is faithful; but, be sure
+that you keep this counsel to yourself, that the secret be not
+discovered." "I will take care of that, dear mother," quoth
+Margery, "and I heartily thank you for this kind and seasonable
+advice."</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">"Good morrow, daughter," she replied,</span>
+<span class="i4">"Young men are false, and must be tried."</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>She was no sooner gone, but in comes Mrs. Susan, a young
+sempstress from Salisbury, with sorrowful lamentation,
+weeping and wringing her hands. "How now!" quoth
+good Mother Bunch; "what is the matter with you,
+daughter, that you go on at this rate?" "Alas! Mother
+Bunch," quoth Susan, "my&mdash;my&mdash;my&mdash;my&mdash;my&mdash;my!"
+"What my?" said Mother Bunch. Quoth sobbing Susan,
+"My sorrows are more than I am able to bear; for, mother,
+dear Frank the fiddler, my old love, and I are fallen out, and
+he swears he will not have me." "Come, daughter," quoth
+Mother Bunch, "be of good comfort, for I will put thee in an
+effectual way to find whither Frank the fiddler be really
+angry with thee or not; and if he be, I will teach thee infallibly
+how to obtain his favour again. 'She that is afraid
+of every grass, must not think to go in a meadow.' Let
+your angry love but alone for a season, and he will soon
+come to himself again; for I know that love is a puny darling,
+and wants very frequently to be humoured. Therefore,
+let him alone, in time he will forget his anger, and return to
+thee again, if he has any principle, good nature, or loyal
+love in him; and if not, you had better be without him than
+during your whole life to be tied to so sour an apple tree.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span>
+Remember the old proverb, 'Set thy stool in the sun; if a
+knave goes, an honest man may come.' I hope thou hast
+not been playing the wanton wagtail with him, hast thou?"
+"No, indeed, dear Mother Bunch; but yet, I must needs
+confess that he fain would have played a lesson on my lute
+last market day, but I would not let him; and that was the
+cause of our falling out." "Sayest thou so, daughter? Why,
+then, I will tell thee, that since he found thou withstood his
+temptations, with so much resolution, take my word for it
+he will never forget thee." "Well, dear mother," quoth
+young Susan, "your words have been comfortable to me;
+and when I find the good effects, I will return and give you
+an account of it. And so farewell, dear mother, for the
+present."</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">"Right happy, daughter, may you be,</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;In guarding your true purity."</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The next that entered the room was Eliza, the miller's
+maid, who, after making a very low curtsey, and giving
+Mother Bunch the time of the day, desiring to know
+for what reason she sent her that letter? "Why," says the
+old woman, "to the end that I might reveal to you some
+secrets relating to love, which I have never discovered
+to the world." "But, dear Mother Bunch," quoth
+Margery, "I am a mere stranger to love, for I
+never in my life knew what it meant." "That may
+be," quoth Mother Bunch; "yet you know not how
+soon you may receive the arrows of Cupid, then you
+would be glad of some of my advice, for I know by myself,
+that the best woman of you all, at one time or other, has a
+desire to know what it is to be married." Quoth Margery,
+"You talk merrily, Mother Bunch." "Well, daughter,"
+quoth Mother Bunch, "you may term it as you please;
+but I will appeal to your own conscience whether or no you
+would be glad, with all your heart, of a kind and loving
+husband."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Dear Mother," quoth Margery, "you come quite close to
+the matter; and if I may be so free as to speak my own
+mind, I could willingly have such a one; for though
+house-keeping is said to be very chargeable often, yet, on the
+other hand, a married state is honourable." "Thou sayest
+well, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "and if thou hast a
+mind to see the man whom thou shalt marry, then follow
+strictly my directions, and you shall not fail of your desire.
+Let me see&mdash;this is St. Luke's Day, which I have found by
+long study to be of greater use to that purpose than that of
+the celebrated St. Agnes, which I formerly recommended
+you to; and the ingredients now to be used are of a quite
+different and finer quality, and far more excellent for performing
+the same.</p>
+
+<p>Now I would have you take some marigold flowers, a
+large sprig of sweet marjoram, a sprig of fresh thyme, and a
+small quantity of wormwood; dry these together before the
+fire, till you may rub them to a powder; then sift the same
+through a piece of fine lawn. This being done, take a small
+quantity of virgin honey, and right white wine vinegar, and
+simmer them together in a new earthen porringer, over a
+mild and gentle fire; all which being done, anoint your
+forehead and cheeks, and lips, likewise, with the same, just
+the moment you are lying down in your bed; always remembering
+to repeat these words three times&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">St. Luke, St. Luke, be kind to me,</span>
+<span class="i4">And let me now my true love see.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"This said, hasten to sleep with all speed; then in the
+soft slumber of your night's repose the very man you are to
+marry shall appear before you walking to and fro near to
+your bedside, very plain and visible to be seen: you shall
+perfectly behold the colour of his hair, his visage, stature,
+and deportment. And if he be one that will prove faithful,
+he will approach you with a smile, and offer to salute you;
+which, when he does, do not seem to be overfond or peevishly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span>
+froward, but receive the same with a becoming mild and
+modest smile. Now, if he be one that will, after marriage,
+forsake his house to wander after strange women, then will
+he offer to be rude and uncivil with thee, at which time
+thou shalt lift up thy hand to smite him; so doing, it will
+go well with thee, and thy guardian angel will keep thee
+ever safe. Daughter, these are rarities which I never before
+divulged. Do but put this in execution, and I am certain
+it will answer the desired effect." "I must needs thank you
+for your love," quoth Margery; "and so farewell, Mother
+Bunch." "Good-bye, daughter," she replied.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">"Let joy and pleasure crown your days,</span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;And a kind man your fortune raise."</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The next that appeared was Kate, the cloth-worker's
+daughter; then Doll, the dairymaid; Joan, Bridget, Nancy,
+and Phillis, in number about forty together, each of them
+crying out with a loud voice, "Dear Mother Bunch, remember
+me." "O remember me," quoth another; and so did
+they all, till they made the poor old woman's ears deaf with
+the clamorous noise. "My dear daughters," quoth Mother
+Bunch, "sit you all down and be quiet, for there is never a
+one amongst you but will partake of my bounty. Daughters,
+I will sit in the midst of you, where I shall read over a very
+interesting lecture. My real motive is to give you a full
+account of some rare and excellent curiosities, in my Golden
+Closet, newly broke open; declaring that it is my opinion
+that those things which are profitable to one maid may not be
+prejudicial, in any respect, to another, and this I shall begin.
+First, if any of you here desire to know the name of the
+man whom you shall marry, let her seek in the summer time
+for a green peasecod, in which there are nine pease; when
+you have done this, either write, or cause to be written, on a
+slip of paper, these words&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">Come in, my dear,</span>
+<span class="i4">And never fear.</span>
+</div></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Writing which, you must carefully close within the aforesaid
+peasecod, and lay the same under the threshold of the
+door, and then observe the next man that comes into the
+house; for you shall certainly be married to one of the same
+name.</p>
+
+<p>Secondly, she that desires to be satisfied whether she
+shall get the man desired or no, let her take two lemon-peels
+in the morning, and wear them all the day under
+her arm-pit, then at night let her not fail to take them
+and rub the four posts of the bed with the same; which
+being done, in your first sleep, he will seem to come and
+present you with a couple of choice lemons, if not, there is
+no hope.</p>
+
+<p>Thirdly, she that is desirous to know what manner of
+fortune she shall marry, whether a gentleman, a tradesman,
+or a traveller, the experiment is thus: Take a walnut, a
+hazel nut, and a nutmeg; crack the two nuts, and take off the
+scurf; peel them clear from the kernels, and grate part of the
+nutmeg to them; this being done, bruise the kernels of the
+nuts, and mix them with butter and sugar, making them up
+into peels, which are to be taken just when you are lying
+down in your bed. Then if your fortune be to marry a
+gentleman, your sleep will be filled with fine golden dreams,
+variety of sweet music, and many running footmen; if a
+tradesman, great noise and tumults; if a traveller (who is a
+seaman), then frightful visions of lightning and roaring
+thunder will disturb your sleep. This has been often tried,
+and as often approved.</p>
+
+<p>Fourthly, St. Agnes' Day I have not wholly blotted out of
+my book; no, but I have found a more exact way of trial
+than before: You shall not need to abstain from kisses, nor
+be forced to keep a fast from a glance of your love in the
+night. If you can rise to be at the parish church door
+punctually between the hours of twelve and one in the
+morning, and then and there put only the fore-finger of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span>
+your right hand into the key-hole of the said door, repeating
+the following words, three times over&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">O sweet St. Agnes, now draw near</span>
+<span class="i4">With my true love, let him appear.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Then he will straight approach to you with a cheerful
+and smiling countenance. This is a new and infallible way
+of making the trial.</p>
+
+<p>Fifthly, my dear daughters, you all know the thirteenth
+day of February is Valentine's Day, at which time the fowls
+of the air couple together, and not only so, but the young
+men and maidens are for choosing mates at the same time.
+Now, that you may speed to your full satisfaction, follow
+this approved direction: Take five bay leaves, lay one under
+every corner of your pillow, and the fifth under the middle,
+then laying yourself down to rest, repeat the following
+words in the four lines, seven times over&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">Some guardian angel let me have</span>
+<span class="i4">What I most earnestly do crave,</span>
+<span class="i4">A valentine endowed with love,</span>
+<span class="i4">Which will both kind and constant prove.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Then to your great content, you shall either have the
+valentine of him you desire, or, at least, one much more
+excellent.</p>
+
+<p>"Sixthly, the experiment of the midsummer smock, found
+in a better manner than before, by my painful study in
+philosophy. And now, daughters," quoth she, "take particular
+notice, for it is thus: Let seven of you together, on a
+midsummer's eve, exactly at the sun's setting, go silently
+into some garden, and gather each of you a sprig of red
+sage, then return to some private room, prepared particularly
+for that purpose, with a stool placed in the middle,
+each one of you having a clean smock, turned the wrong
+side outwards, hanging upon a line across the room, then let
+every one lay her sprig of red sage on a clean plate of rosewater
+set on a stool; which done, place yourselves in a row,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span>
+where continue till twelve or one o'clock, saying nothing,
+whatever you see, for after midnight, each one's sweetheart
+or husband, that shall be, will take each maid's sprig out of
+the rosewater, and sprinkle his love's smock, and those who
+are so unfortunate as never to be married, their sprigs shall
+not be moved; and in consequence hereof many sobs and
+heavy sighs will be heard. This has been very often tried
+in our own country, and never failed of the desired effect.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">These things I have found out of late,</span>
+<span class="i4">To make young lovers fortunate.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"And now, my dear daughters, I have but a few more
+words to say at this time, and they are by way of caution:
+In the twelve months I find above one and thirty very unfortunate
+days; and therefore, as you regard the future
+happiness of your lives, take care that you do not enter into
+wedlock upon those days. Now, for your better instruction,
+I'll tell you which they be.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">"In January there are four; the 7th, 16th, 17th, and 18th.</span>
+<span class="i4">February hath two; the 5th and 10th.</span>
+<span class="i4">March hath three; the 9th, 10th, and 21st.</span>
+<span class="i4">April hath two; the 6th and 7th.</span>
+<span class="i4">May hath two; the 4th and 13th.</span>
+<span class="i4">June hath three; the 7th, 9th, and 10th.</span>
+<span class="i4">July hath two; the 9th and 17th.</span>
+<span class="i4">August hath two; the 11th and 15th.</span>
+<span class="i4">September hath three; the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.</span>
+<span class="i4">October hath three; the 4th, 14th, and 15th.</span>
+<span class="i4">November hath two; the 5th and 24th.</span>
+<span class="i4">December hath three; the 6th, 7th, and 9th.</span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Observe my rules for all these days,</span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And then you will your fortune raise."</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>This said, old Mother Bunch presented them with a cup
+of her fine cordial water, and so dismissed them; and the
+young damsels, with rapturous hearts, returned her their
+hearty thanks.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>After Mother Bunch had done dinner, the young men
+came, to wit, Tom the miller, Ralph the thatcher, and Robin
+the ploughman, with a great number of other trades and
+callings, all whom Mother Bunch invited to sit down that
+she might deliver her wholesome counsels to them.</p>
+
+<p>And first she begins with Tom the miller, saying, "Ah,
+Tom! thou art a sad wild young fellow; there is not a maid
+that can come to the mill but thou will be fooling with them,
+but take my word for it, if you do not leave off in time, you
+will certainly spoil all your fortune. What woman do you
+think, having a portion, will have such a one? She may
+justly conclude that you will still run a catterwauling after
+young wenches, and leave her to sigh and weep for want of
+domestic happiness&mdash;you know what I mean, Tom."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, mother," quoth Tom, "but sure you do not
+take me for such a one." "Yes, Tom, I do, and am seldom
+mistaken. It is you millers that fill the country so full of
+cracked-headed maidens, that when an honest husband comes
+to marry he finds the hearts already stolen away. But
+farewell, I'll have no more to say to such a fellow as you."</p>
+
+<p>Then turning to Ralph the thatcher, she said, "I find you
+are very desirous of a wife, and your ambition is such that
+she must be rich, young, and beautiful: cannot you content
+yourself with honest Joan, to whom you gave promise of
+marriage? And now I find you have a mind to leave her,
+which if you do, and obtain such a one as you desire, I can
+tell you what will follow. She won't stand picking of straws
+with you, her fair face will find many friends in a corner,
+and you may chance to be a cuckold, and indeed but justly
+served in your kind; and, therefore, I advise you to return
+to your old love, for she is a very honest girl, and therefore
+far more fit for you than such a gay butterfly as you have
+lately followed."</p>
+
+<p>Then she stretched forth her hand to Robin the ploughman,
+saying, "Thou art an honest fellow, and good fortune<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span>
+will always attend thee. I mean not bags of gold nor heaps
+of silver; but thou shalt have a careful and industrious wife,
+one that will ever be willing and ready to labour, a true and
+faithful yoke-mate, and one that will be a cheerful partner
+in thy weal and woe, to comfort and support thee under the
+greatest and most severe trials. For, as the poet has it&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">That burden may be borne</span>
+<span class="i5">By two with care,</span>
+<span class="i4">Which is perhaps too much</span>
+<span class="i5">For one to bear.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Honest Robin, this is thy happy fortune, and as thou art
+a downright honest fellow, I am glad to find it so."</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">Thus Mother Bunch went round the room,</span>
+<span class="i4">And told them what would be their doom,</span>
+<span class="i4">If they her daughters did betray,</span>
+<span class="i4">And steal their maiden hearts away,</span>
+<span class="i4">Each would be punished with a bride,</span>
+<span class="i4">By whom he should be hornify'd;</span>
+<span class="i4">But if they were right honest men,</span>
+<span class="i4">Each of them should have fortune then.</span>
+<span class="i4">This said, she did her blessing give,</span>
+<span class="i4">In love and happiness to live;</span>
+<span class="i4">Which when they did the same receive,</span>
+<span class="i4">Of Mother Bunch they took their leave,</span>
+<span class="i4">Declaring she had told them more,</span>
+<span class="i4">Than e'er they understood before.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Now for these poor young creatures that have pined
+themselves to death, and have no cure, the worst of
+pretenders to physiognomy might prescribe them a remedy,
+and all those of what constitution soever that have hoped
+houses of their own, I will show you how you shall see the
+person that is to give you one, collected from Trismegistus
+and Cornelius Agrippa.</p>
+
+<p>On midsummer Eve three or four of you must dip your
+dresses in fair water, then turn them wrong side outwards,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span>
+and hang them on chairs before the fire, and lay some salt
+in another chair, and speak not a word. In a short time
+the likeness of him you are to marry will come and turn your
+dresses, and drink to you; but if there be any of you will
+never marry, they will hear a bell, but not the rest.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<i>Another way, quickly tried.</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>Take hemp-seed, and go into what place you will by yourself,
+carry the seed in your apron, and with your right hand
+throw it over your shoulder saying,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">Hemp-seed I sow, hemp-seed I sow,</span>
+<span class="i4">And he that must be my true love,</span>
+<span class="i4">Come after me and mow.<br /><br /></span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And at the ninth time expect to see the figure of him you
+are to wed, or else hear a bell as before.</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Yet though you hear the sad and dismal bell</span>
+<span class="i4">It is your own fault if you hear the horrid knell.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<div class="center"><i>Another way.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>You that dare venture into a churchyard, just as it strikes
+twelve at night, take a naked sword in your hand, and go
+nine times about the church, saying,</p>
+
+
+<div class="center">Here's the sword, but where's the scabbard?<br /></div>
+
+
+<p>Which continue the whole time you go round; and the
+ninth time the person you are to marry will meet you with
+a scabbard and so kiss you: if not, a bell as before.</p>
+
+
+<div class="center"><i>Another, called the Dutch Cake.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Three, four, or more of you must make a cake of flour and
+salt (no matter of what flour), and some of each of your own
+baking; make your cake broad, and each of you set the two
+first letters of your name with a pin, but leave such a distance
+that it may be cut; then set it before the fire, but
+speak not one word. Turn it each of you once; and the
+person to be your husband will cut out your name; then
+the next, unto the last.</p>
+
+
+<div class="center"><i>Another way.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The first change of the new moon on the New Year, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span>
+first time you see it, hold your hands across, saying this
+three times&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">New moon, new moon, I pray thee,</span>
+<span class="i4">Tell me this night who my true love will be.</span>
+
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Then go to sleep without speaking a word, and you will certainly
+dream of the person you shall marry.</p>
+
+
+<div class="center"><i>Another way experienced often.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Young men and maids may take some rosemary flowers,
+bay leaves, a little thyme, sweet marjoram, and southern-wood;
+make these into powder, and with barley flour make
+a cake, but do not bake it. Lay this under your head any
+Friday night; and if you dream of music, you will wed
+those you desire in a short time; if of the sea or ships, you
+will travel first; if of a church, you must be contented to
+die single.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h5>THE</h5>
+
+<h2>COMICAL HISTORY</h2>
+
+<h5>OF THE</h5>
+
+<h1>COURTIER AND TINKER</h1>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+
+<div class="center"><i>The Courtier finds the Tinker asleep; he has him carried in<br />
+that posture to his house; lays him on a Bed in a<br />
+stately Room with rich Clothes by him; feasts and<br />
+entertains him with fine Music; makes him<br />
+drunk, and then conveys him<br />
+back again.</i><br /></div>
+
+
+
+<p>A Courtier one day riding along with his retinue espied a
+Tinker who had been taking a very early draught to quench
+the spark in his throat, lying fast asleep, and snoring under
+a sunny bank, having made his budget into his pillow, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span>
+rest his drowsy head upon; and the Courtier's country
+house not being far off, he immediately caused his servants
+to take him up very softly, and carry him thither, then to
+put him in a stately bed in the next chamber, pull off his
+foul shirt, and put on him a clean one, then convey away his
+old clothes, and lay rich ones by him. This was punctually
+observed. The Tinker being thus laid, slept soundly till
+evening; when rousing up between sleeping and waking, and
+being dry, as drunkards usually are, he began to call for
+some drink, but was greatly frighted to find himself in such
+a palace, furnished with lights and attendants about him,
+that bowed to him, and harmonious music, accompanied
+with most charming voices, but none of them to be seen.
+Whereupon looking for his old clothes and budget, he found
+a muff and rich attire glistening with gold by him, which
+made him fancy himself metamorphosed from a Tinker to a
+Prince. He asked many questions, but in vain, yet being
+willing to rise, the attendants arrayed him in the richest
+attire; so then he looked on all sides admiring the sudden
+change of fortune, and as proud as a peacock when he
+spreads his tail against the glittering beams of the sun. And
+being arrayed, they had him into another room, where was
+a costly banquet prepared, and placed him in a chair, under
+a fine canopy, fringed with gold, being attended with wine
+in gilded cups. At first he strained courtesy, but being entreated
+to sit down, the banquet being solely at his disposal,
+he fell to most heartily. Then after supper they plied him
+with so much wine, as to make him dead drunk, then stripped
+him, and put on his old clothes; they carried him as they had
+brought him, and laid him in the same posture they found
+him, being all this time asleep; and when he awoke he took
+all that had happened before for a vision, telling it wherever
+he came, that he had really and verily dreamed he had
+been a prince, telling them as well as he could all that had
+happened, but plainly he saw now again his fortune would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span>
+raise him no higher than to mend old kettles; yet he made
+the following song for the fraternity to sing at their leisure:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">All you that jovial Tinkers are,</span>
+<span class="i5">Come listen unto me:</span>
+<span class="i4">I dreamed a dream that was so rare,</span>
+<span class="i4">That none to it I can compare,</span>
+<span class="i5">No Tinker such did see.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">I thought I was a King indeed,</span>
+<span class="i5">Attired gay and fine;</span>
+<span class="i4">In a stately palace I did tread,</span>
+<span class="i4">Was to a princely banquet led,</span>
+<span class="i5">And had good cheer of wine.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">But soon I found me in a ditch,</span>
+<span class="i5">That did no comfort lend;</span>
+<span class="i4">This shows a Tinker, though he itch</span>
+<span class="i4">To be a Prince, or to grow rich,</span>
+<span class="i5">Must still old kettles mend.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<p><br /></p>
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+
+<div class="center"><i>The Courtier's Trick upon the Tinker for complaining that he<br />
+could get no drink at his house.</i><br /></div>
+
+
+
+<p>The Tinker I have before mentioned, not knowing the house
+where he had been so nobly entertained, and which he only
+took for a vision, and often walking that road and crying old
+brass to mend, had been called in to work, and was often
+asked various questions by the servants, and as often told
+them his imaginary vision; but they giving him no strong
+liquor, he often complained of it in the town, saying,
+"Though some had praised Sir John's liberality, and how
+free he was of his liquor, yet for his own part, he could say
+no such thing, as having ever found him so stingy and
+niggardly, that not so much as one sup of his famed March
+or October beer could he get." This being babbled about
+came to the Courtier's ears, who was resolved to punish
+his sauciness, though in a comical way. So one day<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span>
+as he was passing by, he ordered him to be called in to
+do some work; and after he had done it to come to him (as
+having laid all his schemes with his servants beforehand).
+"Come, old fellow," said he, "you look as if you were as dry
+as Vulcan. What say you if I should order you where you
+may have your fill of good drink? Would not you be glad
+of it?" "Ay, master," said he, making a nod and a scrape,
+"God's blessing on your heart for it, and I thank you too."</p>
+
+<p>Upon this he ordered his butler to have him down, and
+be sure not to stint him, and let him have his full swill. They
+instantly went, and the Tinker followed them very joyfully.
+But they had no sooner gotten him down, but shutting to
+the door close, they ordered him to strip immediately; at
+the which he much wondered, and began to make excuses
+on account of the blackness of his hide, which would be very
+undecent and unseemly. But they pretended it was the
+way of the cellar, when a new comer was to be made free of
+it, but never after, how oft soever he came. He being willing
+to comply, that he might have his skin full of good
+liquor, that might prove both as meat and cloth to him, off
+went his leathern doublet, breeches, shoes, stockings, and
+hat; as for shirt he had none, having pawned it to his
+hostess that morning for three noggins of brandy. Then
+taking a frisk or two in a merry vein, they surprisingly
+whipped him up by the heels, and put him into a full butt of
+strong beer, the upper head being taken up for that purpose.
+So he dipped over head and ears like a duck that dives. Yet
+after he had recovered his legs, it was but just shoulder
+deep, for when upon winding of the horn, whilst he would
+have been scrambling out, down came Sir John, demanding
+what was the matter. They told him "the Tinker was not
+content to drink full horns at the cock, but would needs go
+in to drink all at a draught." "Aye," said he, "this is a
+thirsty soul indeed; but since he undertakes to drink it, he
+shall do it, for none of my servants shall drink it now, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span>
+has washed his dirty hide in it;" crying to him with an
+angry voice, "Sirrah, you rogue, drink it as you proposed,
+or it shall be worse for you," and while he stood shivering
+up to his neck, and was endeavouring to lay the blame upon
+others, the Courtier seemed impatient to be dallied with,
+drew a broad sword that was two-edged, protesting his head
+should go off for abusing his good liquor, was there no more
+Tinkers in the world, and with that, making a full blow at
+him, as the Tinker believed. And seeing him in such a
+passion, he to avoid the coming stroke dropped down over
+head and ears, staying under as long as he could, and peeping
+up, and seeing the threatening danger, he dropped down
+again for six or seven times. Till fearing to carry the jest
+too far, he gave him a short respite, telling him, "Now he
+could not report abroad he was so very niggardly of his drink,
+for he had or might have enough of it." Then bidding his
+servants to take him out, and ordered him to depart, or drink
+it up, which he thought fit. And thus he went away
+laughing. The Tinker, who was at first very angry, but
+being cheered up with a cordial dram, and so made sensible
+that all this was but a frolic, and that for the future their
+master would be his good friend if he behaved civilly, he
+was pacified, and so putting on his clothes, he beat the road
+for a gang of merry fellows of his acquaintance, informing
+them, there was a hogshead of March beer at Sir John's,
+which they all might be partakers of if they choosed; they
+came joyfully, and had it brought into the court-yard, in
+black jacks. After they had drunk it, the Tinker told them
+the cause of its being given away, was because there was a
+swine that had unexpectedly fallen into it; but on further
+inquiry he told them all the circumstances, which set them
+a-laughing till their sides were almost cracked. Afterwards
+they had plenty of victuals sent them, and the Tinker being
+thus made free of the cellar, was ordered to call at the house,
+and have victuals and drink as often as he came that way.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span>
+And so they departed, spreading the fame of Sir John in
+every place they came, as a bountiful benefactor; singing as
+they went, the following song:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Good house-keeping, they say, is fled,</span>
+<span class="i5">Or hawks or hounds, and whores have rid her;</span>
+<span class="i4">But we say she's not fled nor dead,</span>
+<span class="i5">Who have so plentiful beheld her.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Long may he flourish in this nation,</span>
+<span class="i5">And get it praised as of old,</span>
+<span class="i4">That we by following the French fashion,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">May not make charity grow cold.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>A Comical Trick he made the Tinker serve an old Farmer,
+who used to ride sleeping, making him think
+that his horse was the Devil.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The Tinker being better pleased with his treatment, often
+frequented the house, making the Knight merry with his
+pleasant songs, etc., so that he was much pleased with his
+conversation, and often gave him money, and one day put
+him upon a frolic, seeing him an apt fellow. He had seen
+an old curmudgeon farmer, sleeping and nodding on his
+horse, as he came from market, and giving the Tinker directions
+what to do, when he should come by, knowing his
+hour, and delivering him a parcel of crackers and other fireworks,
+he caused him to be dressed in a raw hide with
+horns, when the Tinker, according to order, with the help of
+a servant, having stopped the farmer's horse, while the rider
+was sleeping, pitched four stakes, one at each corner of the
+pannel, and ungirting, he drew the horse from under, when
+taking off the bridle, he put his own head into the headstal;
+so then after he placed the fireworks under the pannel, he
+put a fuse lighted to them, and so kept motion as the horse
+used to do with the nodding farmer, who having the reins
+about his wrist, by his kicking he awaked, and seeing him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span>self
+on a frightful beast, which he took for Beelzebub, he
+cried out, when the fire-work taking, blew up him and the
+pannel, and made him to fall quash to the ground, so that
+the Tinker made off with the stakes and pannel. The old
+man no sooner got up, but he fell to running, crying out,
+"The Devil, the Devil," and never durst come that way
+again but in company, rather choosing to go five miles
+about.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>The Tinker complains to the Courtier of a Butcher's Dog
+that often assaulted him. The Courtier, in the
+Tinker's habit, fights and kills him;
+and of his Examination before a Justice.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The Tinker being awarded with a crown for his dexterity,
+went away; but one day being in merry talk with our
+Courtier, he changed his tone sadly, and told him that a
+butcher, on such a road, kept a lion-like mastiff dog; that he
+was not so much afraid to encounter him, as that if he would
+kill him, the butcher as he told him, would send him to jail,
+and punish him at the next sessions, having one Justice
+Clodpole on his side, who was his landlord, and whose house
+he served with meat, and doubted not would hearken to anything
+he said against him although ever so false and unjust.</p>
+
+<p>Sir John having listened to his complaint, and laughed,
+bid him be of good cheer, for himself would try the dog
+adventure. Upon this he ordered some clothes to be brought,
+which the Tinker stripping, put on, and the Knight
+put on his, except his shirt, and taking his budget, pike staff,
+kettle, and hammer, away he went, beating his kettle,
+and crying, "Work for a Tinker," till he came near the
+butcher's house. The dog soon heard the tink, tink, and
+away he runs open-mouthed to meet the Tinker, they laughing
+to see how he would fright him; but Sir John having
+now thrown down his budget, was ready to receive him with
+the pike end of the staff, and after the dog wheeled, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span>
+returned and advanced eagerly to fly at his throat, but he
+thrust the pike of his staff into his breast; upon which he
+ran away howling, and tracing the ground with his blood,
+till he came to his master's, where he died. At this he was so
+much enraged, that he carried a constable, and seized the
+Knight, who purposely made no resistance. So taking him
+before a Justice, he made very great complaints against him.</p>
+
+<p>The Justice very gravely demanded what the fellow was
+brought before him for? The butcher said, "An't please
+your Worship, fur killing my servant." "Aye," said the
+Justice, "he looks like a bloody-minded villain, therefore
+write his mittimus, and see he be well-ironed, lest he make
+his escape."</p>
+
+<p>"I beseech your good Worship not to be so rash and
+hasty," said the Knight, "as to pass sentence upon me so
+hard. Pray ask this butcher what servant of his I killed?"
+"Ay," said the Justice, "let him speak." "Then in truth,"
+said the Butcher, "I ought in conscience to speak the truth;
+it was but a dog, but such a dog, as I say I would not have
+taken the best five guineas in the country for. Do you see me,
+sir, he had rare qualities over other dogs; he would not only
+fetch home my sheep out of the field when I wanted them,
+and save me that trouble, but do you see, Mr. Justice, he
+would go a sheep-hunting, and drive me home a couple, and
+sometimes half a dozen of wild sheep, which nobody owned
+or I did not think fit to inquire after, or they after me; so
+that he made me a thriving man: besides he was the safeguard
+of my house, and I believe that he killed him on purpose
+that he might rob me."</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, ay," said the Justice; "all this is true, and you
+speak like an honest man, and he looks indeed like a rogue,
+and I believe you; but, however, we can't, indeed hang
+men for a dog, but I'll send him to jail, and there he shall lie
+and rot in his lousy linen, and drink kennel-water, and not
+one bit of meat, unless now and then a roasted turnip, cooled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span>
+on a burdock leaf." "This is a very hard sentence, indeed,
+Mr. Justice," said our counterfeit Tinker. "No, no," replied
+the Justice, "it is too mild a one for such a villain as you
+are." But added, "I had like to have forgot a material
+point in his examination. Tell me, sirrah, how you came
+to kill this honest man's dog?" "Why, sir," said he, "with
+the pike end of my staff for running at me to bite me."
+"Aye, aye," said the Justice, "that was villainous in you;
+could you not have turned the other end, and given him a
+rap upon the pate?" "Yes," replied he, "if he had come
+to me with his tail foremost."</p>
+
+<p>"Prithee, show me," said the Justice, "how he came at
+thee?"&mdash;"I will show your worship; he came open mouthed,
+as I do to you now, crying, bow, wow, wow." And here
+running against the Justice, overthrew him in his chair to
+the ground; so that he most loudly cried out, "Murder!"
+and being got up he ordered his mittimus to be made, reviling
+him at a desperate rate. But all on a sudden the tables
+were turned; for no sooner being asked, but he told his
+name. When up starts the Justice, and coming unto him with
+a low reverence, "Oh! Sir John," said he, "Is it you! who
+could ever have thought it! I am heartily sorry for what I
+have said." Then turning to the butcher, who stood wondering,
+said, "Sirrah, you rascal, do you keep dogs to assault
+gentlemen? but I will teach you better manners; come bind
+him over to the sessions directly, and if he has no bail, take
+him to jail. This is a pretty thing indeed, that people cannot
+pass the road peaceably for such rogues as you keeping
+dogs." But Sir John interposing, all was pacified, and the
+butcher went home with a flea in his ear.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h5>THE</h5>
+
+<h2>HISTORY</h2>
+
+<h5>OF THE</h5>
+
+<h1>FOUR KINGS</h1>
+
+<h5>OF</h5>
+
+<h4>Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland,</h4>
+
+<h4><i>Their Queens and Daughters;</i></h4>
+
+<h4>BEING</h4>
+
+<h4>The Merry Tales of <span class="smcap">Tom Hodge</span> and his School-Fellows.</h4>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">The Preface.</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>Not to detain the reader with many words to little purpose,
+I shall only here observe that Tom Hodge, with the rest of
+his old companions, belonging to the school of Cockermouth,
+were walking on a very pleasant morning in May, and
+having tired themselves with pranks and intrigues, towards
+evening they sat themselves down on a green bank, beneath
+a lovely oak, where they agreed amongst themselves that
+everyone should tell a tale, or pay a fine; and because Tom
+was the eldest scholar, it was concluded and agreed upon
+that he should begin first.</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Says Tom, "With all my heart,</span>
+<span class="i4">So I'll begin my part."</span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale I.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>Once upon a time, when the opinion was common in England
+that those whose age and experience enabled them to
+determine the consequences of certain actions were wizards
+and witches, there was a queen in this realm, whose name<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span>
+was Elizabeth; and by reason that the famous town of Lancaster
+was strangely pestered with witches, the queen sent
+some judges down to arraign and try them in order to bring
+them to justice.</p>
+
+<p>Now the news of this court being to be kept in Lancaster,
+spread through all the country, so that a husbandman living
+near forty miles from that place, hearing of this, news, and
+believing they were come to tell the folks whether they
+were witches or not, resolved to go to be satisfied in himself,
+for he was possessed with a fear that he was a witch, because
+he had a wart grew on his neck, which he imagined
+to be a dug.</p>
+
+<p>His wife, who had a friend in a corner, and was therefore
+glad of his absence, did not only give her consent, but also
+dressed him in his best leathern suit and broad-brimmed
+hat. So taking leave of his good wife Joan, he trudged on
+day and night until he came to the place where the court
+was kept; so rushing on and pressing through the crowd,
+the crier of the court believing him to be some evidence,
+gave orders that they should let him in, which was soon
+done, and he was required to speak what he had to say.
+"Why," says the countryman, "d'ye see, I've a dug upon my
+neck, which makes me afraid I am a witch, and volks tell
+me that these vine gentlemen (pointing to the judges) can
+tell a body whether one is a witch or no." The crier of the
+court seeing the simplicity of the man, said, "No, no, my
+friend, I can assure thee thou art no witch; thou lookest
+more like a cuckold than a witch or a conjurer." "I thank
+you, zur; and zo zays these vine gentlemen." Then having
+given three or four scrapes and half a dozen congees, he
+came back as wise as Waltham's calf. The next day he was
+met by his wife, who waited for his return at the town's
+end, to whom she said, "Well, husband, what do the gentlemen
+say? are you a witch or no?" "A witch, sweet wife,
+no; they tells a body one looks more like a cuckold than a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span>
+witch, or a conjurer." "Why say you so?" replied she; "I
+prithee go back and have them taken up for witches; for
+except they had been so, they would not have known you
+were a cuckold."</p>
+
+<p>This merry tale so pleased them that they set up a hearty
+laugh, which, being ended, the second boy began his tale in
+the following manner.</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale II.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>In the days of yore, when this land was governed by many
+kings, among the rest the king of Canterbury had an only
+daughter, and she was wise, fair, and beautiful. Her father
+sent forth a decree that whoever would watch one night
+with his daughter, and neither sleep nor slumber, he should
+have her the next day in marriage; but if he did either, he
+should lose his head. Many knights and squires attempted
+it, but lost their heads.</p>
+
+<p>Now, it happened a young shepherd, grazing his flock near
+the road, said to his master, "Zur, I zee many gentlemen
+ride to the court at Canterbury, but ne'er see 'em return
+again." "O, shepherd!" said his master, "I know not how
+they should; for they attempt to watch with the king's
+daughter, according to the decree, and not performing it,
+they are all beheaded." "Well," said the shepherd, "I'll
+try my vorton; zo now vor a king's daughter or a headless
+shepherd." And taking his bottle and bag, he trudged to
+court. Now, in his way, he was to cross a river, over which
+lay a plank; down he sits, and pulls off his shoes and stockings
+to wash his feet, lest the smell of his toes might be the
+means of keeping her awake. While he was washing his
+feet a fish came smelling and biting his toes; he caught it and
+put it into his bag: after which came a second, a third, and
+a fourth, which he caught and put in his bag likewise. This
+done, and dried his feet, he put on his stockings and shoes,
+and pursued his journey till he came to the palace, where<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span>
+he knocked loudly with his crook. He was no sooner let in,
+and having told his business, but he was conducted to a
+hall, prepared for that purpose, where the king's daughter
+sat ready to receive him; and the better to lull his senses,
+he was placed in a rich easy chair, having delicious wines
+for his supper, with many fine dishes of fruit, etc., of which
+the shepherd ate and drank plentifully, insomuch that he
+began to slumber before midnight. "O shepherd," said the
+lady, "I have caught you napping?" "Not, zweet ally, I
+was busy." "At what?" said she. "Why a feeshing."
+"Nay, shepherd, there is no fish-pond in the hall," "No
+matter vor that, I have been feeshing." Says the lady,
+"Where do you fish?" "O," quoth he, "in my bag." "O
+me, have you catched e'er a one?" "Ay, lady," said he.
+"I'd willingly see it," replied she. "Ay, an't please you,
+you shall with all my heart." This said, he slyly drew one
+of the fishes out of his bag, at the sight of which she was
+greatly pleased, and praised it for a pretty fish: and withal
+said, "Dear shepherd, do you think you could catch one in
+mine too?" "Ay, ay, doubtless I can." Then he fell to fishing,
+and in a short time drew a second fish out of the bag pretending
+he drew it from her. The king's daughter was so
+pleased with it that she kissed it, declaring it was the finest
+she ever saw. And about half an hour after she said,
+"Shepherd, do you think you could get me one more?"
+He answered, "Mayhap I may, when I have baited my
+hook." "Then make haste, for I am impatient till I have
+another." Then the shepherd acted as before, and so presented
+her with another fish, which she also extolled and
+praised, saying, "It was ten times finer than the other;"
+and then gave him leave to sleep, promising to excuse him
+to her father.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning the king came into the hall as usual, followed
+by the headsman with a hatchet; but the lady cried
+out, "You may return with your hatchet, here is no work<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span>
+for you." "How so," said the king, "has he neither slumbered
+nor slept?" "No, royal father, he has not." "How
+has he employed himself?" "In fishing." "Why, there is
+never a fish-pond; where did he catch them?" "One in
+his own bag, and two in this one of mine." "Say you so?
+Well, friend, dost thou think thou can'st catch one in
+mine?" "An't please you, my liege, I believe I can." Then
+directing the king to lie down, he poked him with a
+packing needle, which made him cry out exceedingly; at
+which time he drew the other fish out of the bag, and showed
+it to the king. His majesty said, "He never knew such
+sort of fishing before; however, take my daughter, according
+to my royal decree." And so they were married, and the
+wedding kept in great triumph, and the shepherd became a
+king's son.</p>
+
+<p>"O that was mighty well," said the third boy, "he had
+wonderful good fortune. This puts me in mind of a story,
+which I will now tell in my turn."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale III.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>If I may believe my old grandmother, there lived in the
+county of Cumberland a nobleman, who had three sons.
+Two of them were comely and tall youths, wise and learned;
+the third a merry fool, and went often in a party-coloured
+coat and steeple crowned hat, at the top of which was a
+tassel In this dress he made a comical figure. At this
+time the king of Canterbury had a fine daughter, adorned
+with all the gifts of nature, joined to an ingenious education,
+she being very ripe-witted, as appeared by her ready
+answers and the comical questions she put forth. The king,
+her father, published a decree, that whoever should come to
+the court, and answer his daughter three questions, without
+study or stumbling, should have her in marriage, and also
+be heir to the crown at his decease. On publishing this
+decree, the said gentleman's two sons agreed between themselves<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span>
+to go and try how favourable fortune might be to
+them in this undertaking; but all their care was what they
+should do with their silly brother Jack; for, as they said, if
+he follows us, he will out with some foolish bolt, and so spoil
+our business. At length it was agreed on going to the court,
+to go out of the back door, which led to the road over several
+fields, about a mile from the house. They did so, but were
+no sooner got into the highway, but looking behind, they
+saw their brother Jack coming capering and dancing after
+them, saying, with a loud laughter, "So you are going to
+get a king's daughter, but I will pursue you." They saw
+there was no way to get rid of him, but by walking fast and
+leaving him behind, hoping thereby to get entrance before
+Jack, and then have the gates shut against him. They had
+not gone half a mile before Jack set up a great fit of laughter,
+at which one of his brothers said, "What's the fool found
+out now?" "Why, I've found an egg." "Put it in thy
+pocket," said his brothers. "Adad, and so I will," says
+Jack. Presently after he was taken with another fit of
+laughter. "What's the fool found now?" "What have I
+found!" says Jack, "why a crooked stick." They bid him
+put that in his pocket also. "Ay, marry, will I." They
+had not walked much farther before Jack burst into a
+greater fit of laughter than before. His brothers said,
+"What's the fool found now?" "Found! why an
+orange." "Put that in your pocket likewise." "I intend
+it," says Jack. Now, by this time they were come near the
+palace gate, at which they no sooner knocked but they
+were admitted. But Jack never stood for ceremonies, but
+ran through the midst of the court, and as the wise brothers
+were making their addresses, Jack was laughing at the
+ladies, unto whom he said, "What a troop of fair ladies are
+got here!" "O yes, yes," said the king's daughter, who was
+among them, "we are fair ladies, for we carry fire in our
+bosom." "Do you?" said Jack; "then roast me an egg."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span>
+"How will you get it out again?" "By a crooked stick
+which I have." "Ay, you will?" said she. "I have it in my
+pocket," says Jack. In this Jack answered the three
+questions proposed. Then he was preferred to that honour
+which was mentioned in the decree. His two wise brothers
+then went home like two fools, and left foolish Jack to be
+reverenced at court with the king's fair daughter.</p>
+
+<p>Said the fourth boy, "This verifies the old proverb,
+'Fools have fortune'; besides, it has put me in mind of a
+story that was told me by my aunt."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IV.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>Long before Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table,
+here reigned, in the easterly part of this land, a king who
+kept his court at Colchester. He was witty, strong and
+valiant, by which means he subdued his enemies abroad
+and planted peace among his subjects at home.</p>
+
+<p>Nevertheless, in the midst of all his earthly glory, his
+queen died, leaving behind her an only daughter, about
+fifteen years of age under the care of her royal husband.
+This lady, from her courtly carriage, beauty, and affability,
+was the wonder of all that knew her; but, as covetousness
+is the root of all evil, so it happened here.</p>
+
+<p>The king hearing of a lady who had likewise an only
+daughter, for the sake of her riches had a mind to marry
+her, though she was old, ugly, hook-nosed, and hump-backed,
+yet all could not deter him from marrying her. The
+daughter of the said piece of deformity was a yellow dowdy,
+full of envy and ill-nature; and, in short, was much of the
+same mould as her mother. This signified nothing, for in a
+few weeks the king, attended by the nobility and gentry,
+brought the said piece of deformity to his palace, where the
+marriage rites were performed. Long they had not been in
+the court before they set the king against his own beautiful
+daughter, which was done by false reports and accusations.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span>
+The young princess, having lost her father's love, grew
+weary of the court, and on a certain day meeting with her
+father in the garden, she desired him, with tears in her
+eyes, to give her a small subsistence and she would go and
+seek her fortune, to which the king consented, and ordered
+her mother-in-law to make up a small sum according to her
+discretion. To her she went, who gave her a canvas bag of
+brown bread, a hard cheese, with a bottle of beer. Though
+this was but a very pitiful dowry for a king's daughter, she
+took it, returned thanks, and so proceeded, passing through
+groves, woods, and valleys, till at length she saw an old man
+sitting on a stone at the mouth of a cave, who said, "Good
+morning, fair maiden, whither away so fast?" "Aged
+father," says she, "I am going to seek my fortune." "What
+hast thou in thy bag and bottle?" "In my bag I have got
+bread and cheese, and in my bottle good small beer; will
+you please to partake of either?" "Yes," said he, "with
+all my heart." With that the lady pulled out her provision,
+and bid him eat and welcome. He did, and gave her many
+thanks, telling her there was a thick thorny hedge before
+her, which will appear to you impassable, but take this wand
+in your hand, strike three times, and say, "Pray hedge, let
+me come through;" and it will open immediately. Then a
+little further you will find a well, sit down on the brink of
+it, and there will come up three golden heads which will
+speak; and what they require, that do. Then promising
+she would, she took her leave of him. Coming to the hedge,
+and following the old man's direction, the hedge divided
+and gave her a passage. Then coming to the well, she had
+no sooner sitten down, but a golden head came up with a
+singing note, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down softly."
+"Yes," said the young lady; then putting forth her hand
+with a silver comb performed the office, placing it upon a
+primrose bank. Then came up a second, and a third, saying
+as the former, which she complied with; and then pulling<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span>
+out her provision, ate her dinner. Then said the heads one
+to another, "What shall we do for this lady, who hath used
+us so very kindly?" The first said, "I will cause such addition
+to her beauty as shall charm the most powerful prince
+in the world." The second said, "I will endow her with
+such perfume, both in body and breath, as shall far exceed
+the sweetest flowers." The third said, "My gift shall be
+none of the least, for as she is a king's daughter. I'll make
+her so fortunate that she shall become queen to the greatest
+prince that reigns." This done, at their request she let them
+down into the well again, and so proceeded on her journey.
+She had not travelled long before she saw a king hunting in
+the park with his nobles. She would have shunned him,
+but the king having a sight of her, made towards her, and
+between her beauty and perfumed breath, was so powerfully
+smitten that he was not able to subdue his passion, but proceeded
+on his courtship, where, after some compliments and
+kind embraces, he gained her love. And bringing her to his
+palace, he caused her to be clothed in the most magnificent
+manner.</p>
+
+<p>This being ended, and the king finding that she was the
+king of Colchester's daughter, ordered some chariots to be
+got ready that he might pay him a visit. The chariot in
+which the king and queen rode was beautified with rich
+ornamental gems of gold. The king, her father, was at first
+astonished that his daughter had been so fortunate as she
+was till the young king made him sensible of all that happened.
+Great was the joy at court among the nobility,
+except the queen and her club-footed daughter, who were
+ready to burst with malice, and envied her happiness; and
+the greater was their madness because she was now above
+them all. Great rejoicings, with feasting and dancing, continued
+many days. Then at length, with the dowry that
+her father gave her, they returned home.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the fifth boy, "had she not been kind and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span>
+beautiful, such good fortune had never come to her lot. And
+pray what became of her hump-backed sister-in-law?"
+"Indeed I know not." "Why, then," said the fifth boy, "I
+can tell you something of her."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale V.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>She, perceiving that her sister was so happy in seeking her
+fortune, would needs do the same; so disclosing her mind to
+her mother, all preparations were made; not only rich
+apparel, but sweetmeats, sugar, almonds, etc., in great quantities,
+and a large bottle of Malaga sack. Thus furnished
+she went the same road as her sister, and coming near the
+cave, there sat the old man, who said, "Young woman,
+whither, so fast?" "What is that to you?" said she.
+Then said he, "What have you in your bag and bottle?"
+She answered, "Good things, what you shall not be troubled
+with." "Won't you give me some?" said he. "No, not a
+bit nor a drop, unless it would choke you." The old man
+frowned, saying, "Evil fortune attend thee." Going on, she
+came to the hedge, through which she espied a gap, where
+she thought to pass, but going in the hedge closed, and the
+thorns run into her flesh, so that with great difficulty she
+got out. Being now in a bloody condition, she looks for
+water to wash herself, and looking round she saw a well,
+and sitting down, one of the heads came up to her, saying,
+"Wash me, comb me, lay me down softly." But she banged
+it with her bottle, saying, "Hang you, take this for your
+washing." So the second and third heads came up, and met
+with no better welcome than the first. Whereupon the
+heads consulted among themselves what evils to plague her
+with for such usage. The first said, "Let her be struck
+with leprosy in her face." The second said, "Let an additional
+stink be added to her breath." The third bestowed
+on her a husband, though but a poor country cobbler. This
+done, she goes on till she came to a market town, and it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span>
+being market day, the people smelt a stink, and seeing such
+a mangy face, all fled but a poor cobbler, who not long before
+had mended the shoes of an old hermit, who, having no
+money, gave him a box of ointment for the cure of the
+leprosy, and a bottle of spirits for a stinking breath. Now
+the cobbler having a mind to do an act of charity, was
+minded to try an experiment; so going up to her, asked her
+who she was? "I am," said she, "the king of Colchester's
+daughter-in-law." "Well," said the cobbler, "if I restore
+you to your natural complexion, and make a sound cure
+both in face and breath, will you in reward take me for a
+husband?" "Yes, friend," replied she, "with all my
+heart." With this the cobbler applied the remedies, and
+they worked the effect in a few weeks, which being done,
+they were married. After some few days spent in town,
+they set forward for the court at Colchester. At length
+coming there, and the queen understanding she had married
+nothing but a poor cobbler, fell into distraction, and in wrath
+hanged herself. The death of the queen pleased the king
+much, who was glad he had got rid of her so soon. Having
+buried her, he gave the cobbler one hundred pounds, on condition
+that he and his lady would quit the court. The
+cobbler received it, and promised he would. Then setting
+up his trade in a remote part of the kingdom, they lived
+many years, he mending shoes, and she spinning thread.</p>
+
+<p>Quoth the sixth boy, "I think for a king's daughter she
+hath spun a very fine thread, but now for my story."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VI.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A tinker in our town had but one daughter, whose name
+was Tib, and because her father would not let her marry a
+miller's man named Jobson, nothing would serve her but she
+must go and seek her fortune, so over hills and mountains,
+through groves and lonesome woods she passed, till at length
+she met with an old woman, who said unto Tib, "Where are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span>
+you going?" "To seek service," says Tib. "Will you live
+with me?" replied the old woman; "my family is small,
+myself, my cat, and my dog." Tib answered, "With all my
+heart." So home they went to her cottage, which stood by
+the side of a grove on the bank of a pleasant river. She no
+sooner entered in at the door than she beheld the shelves
+furnished with abundance of earthen ware and glasses. She
+had not lived long with her before Tib had committed a
+fault, for which the old woman was resolved to break every
+bone in her skin. For that end she put her into a sack, and
+having tied the mouth of the same, she went to the grove to
+cut a stick; but while she was gone, Tib with a penknife
+opened the sack and got out; and put the dog and cat into
+it, filling it up with pans, pipkins, etc., then dragged it to
+the door, that the old woman might not come in to miss
+them, who, on her return, thinking that Tib had rolled
+thither, began to lay on like fury, when the dog howled, the
+cat mewed, and the pipkins cracked; while the old woman
+cries out, "Ah! howl if you will and be poxed, for before you
+come out of this sack I'll thrash your bones to chaff." Now
+Tib stood at a distance laughing to see how busy she was in
+destroying her own furniture, then fled for it, and never
+after returned.</p>
+
+<p>"It was well she did," replied the seventh boy, "or else
+the old woman would certainly have been revenged on Tib
+at last. But now for my story, which shall be the last at
+this meeting."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VII.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>A young man having found a purse in which was five
+pounds, he made a proclamation that if anyone would lay
+any just claim to it to come to such a tavern, and they
+would have it again. To the tavern he went, where, in
+meat and drink, he spent a crown. At last when the young
+man was ready to go the owner came and demanded the
+purse, which he was ready to surrender; but the owner, on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span>
+knowing a crown was spent, would not receive it, unless
+he made up the whole sum. The young man told him he
+could not; so an officer was sent for, but before he came the
+youth took to his heels, and ran for it with that swiftness,
+that, an ass standing in his way, he took hold of his tail to
+swing himself by, and twitched it off. A little farther he
+overthrew a woman with a child and caused her to fall.
+At length he was taken and brought before a justice by the
+three sufferers. Having heard their complaints he turned to
+the young man, and said, "Young man, several complaints
+are here laid against you, which I shall clear up. First,
+keep the money you have found, and trade with it till you
+have improved it so far as to make him satisfaction, and
+then let him have it. You take the ass, and work him till
+a new tail grows, then give him to his owner. And you
+take the woman home, till she is as quite recovered as
+she was before, and then send her home to her husband.
+So with these determinations he dismissed them."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VIII.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's End of England,
+namely the county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy
+farmer, who had one only son, commonly known by the
+name Jack Hornby. He was brisk and of a ready wit, so
+that whatever he could not perform by strength, he completed
+by ingenious wit and policy.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, when he was no more than seven years of
+age, his father sent him into the field to look after his oxen.
+The laird, by chance coming across the field, asked Jack
+many questions, particularly, "How many commands there
+were?" Jack told him there were nine. The laird replied
+there were ten. "Nay," quoth Jack, "sir, you are out of
+that; it is true there were ten, but you broke one of them
+when you coveted my father's bull." The landlord replied,
+"Thou art an arch wag, Jack."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"But, sir," says Jack, "can you tell me how many sticks
+goes to build a crow's nest?" "Why," says the landlord,
+"there are as many goes as are sufficient for the size of the
+nest." "Oho, you are out again, sir," quoth Jack, "there is
+none goes, they are all carried."</p>
+
+<p>The landlord finding himself so fooled, trudged away,
+leaving Jack in a fit of laughter.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h4>THE PENNY</h4>
+
+<h1>BUDGET OF WIT</h1>
+
+<h5>AND</h5>
+
+<h2>PACKAGE OF DROLLERY.</h2>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h3><i>Scottish Prudence.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A parish clerk in the north of England, not long ago, hired
+a Scotchman for his servant, who was to go to the cart and
+plough, and do other occasional jobs when wanted. In the
+course of conversation at hiring, the clerk asked him, if he
+could submit to the unpleasant business of digging graves;
+to which he exclaimed, "I'll warrant ye, maister, I could dig
+doon the kirk for that matter; but let me see, I hasn't been
+put to that wark yet; aye, our auld bellman at Jedburgh
+used to say, he never had better pay nor better jobs than
+howking holes for fowk&mdash;faith he was aye merry when folk
+dee'd." It happened soon after entering on his service, that
+there was a severe storm of snow, which impeded all out-door
+work. One morning he came to his master, and asked
+him what employment he was to go to that day. The employer
+hesitated for some moments, and at last told him, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span>
+could find nothing for him to do. Sawney, with great
+gravity, replied, "I think, maister, I'll awa up to the kirkyard
+an' howk some graves; we may as weel hae a wheen
+ready, for they may come faster in when they ken we are
+prepared for them."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Scottish Atmosphere.</i></h3>
+
+<p>An English gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately
+accompanied by wet weather most of the time
+When he set out from Glasgow to Greenock, the morning
+was very fine. However, before he had proceeded half way,
+he was overtaken by a heavy shower. "Boy," says he to
+a little fellow herding near the road-side, "does it always
+rain in this country!" "Na," replied the boy, "it sometimes
+snaws."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Liberty of the Press.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers
+to his family, and when expressing the title "Liberty of the
+Press in France," one of his daughters interrupted him by
+asking what the liberty of the press meant? "I'll soon
+answer that question," said he: "You know when your
+mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door,
+where the bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you have
+access&mdash;That's the liberty o' the press."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Donald and the Laird.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward;
+at the first English Inn, the room in where they were
+to sleep contained a bed for the master and a truckle for the
+man, which drew forth from beneath the larger couch. Such
+furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook the
+four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted
+the tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging
+below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the night, the
+Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated.
+"Ne'er sae weel a' my life," quoth the gilly. "Ha, mon,"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span>
+exclaimed the Laird, "if it wasna for the honour of the
+thing, I could find in my heart to come down."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>How to read a Sign-Board.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Highland Drover passing through a certain town,
+noticed a sign-board above an entry, with the following
+inscription:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="center">Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Confectionery Goods</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">sold down this entry,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">read it as follows:&mdash;</span><br />
+Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Confusionery Goods,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">sold down this entry.</span><br /></div>
+
+
+
+<h3><i>How to Escape Robbery.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between
+Paisley and Greenock on horseback, some time since, had
+occasion to come off his horse, when the reins slipped from
+among his fingers: the horse finding himself at liberty
+immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed, determined
+to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse.
+The night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till
+he met with two men, whom he accosted with, "Did you see
+a horse without a rider?" when he was immediately collared.
+He thought it diversion; says he, "That's no a way to use a
+man in the dark;" and endeavouring to shake himself clear,
+when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and
+firmer holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which
+his deafness deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to
+get clear fruitless, and dreading they had nothing in
+view but an intention to rob him, it instantly occurred to
+him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top of his
+boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span>
+it up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and
+exclaimed, "If you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your
+brains out in a moment!" They jumped over a hedge, and
+were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man called after
+them, "Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o' baith o'
+you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye
+dinna ken what deadly weapons he carries."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Daft Will Speirs.</i></h3>
+
+<p>Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay
+his regular daily visit, met his Lordship, who seemed not to
+notice him. The Earl being only on a walk of pleasure
+through his policies, soon came in contact with Will again
+sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge bone. "Ay,
+ay;" says the Earl, "what this you've got noo, Will." "Ay,
+ay," says Will, "anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed
+by me awee sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>How to find Work.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his
+house in the country, took along with him a prentice, when
+they set to work, and continued to work for some days. The
+gentleman having no conception the job was to be of such
+duration, came out one morning, and found the apprentice at
+work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the
+continuation of them working so long, and inquired what
+had become of his master, to which the boy replied, "He's
+awa to Glasgow to look for a job, and if he got ane, this ane
+would be done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna
+ken when it would be done."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Will Scott.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for
+his activity in the execution of his orders, as well as for
+taking a bit comfortable guzzle when finances would afford
+it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated in a pew behind the
+bailies at church. Will had not been there long till he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span>
+soon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated
+along with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin;
+and in a short time the reckoning came a-paying
+when some of the party insisted it was already paid. However,
+Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true to
+his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of
+the sermon, "No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had
+just ae half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a
+fardin o't pay't."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Grave-Digger of Sorn.</i></h3>
+
+<p>The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and
+as mean a sinner as ever handled mattock or carried
+mortcloth. He was a very querulous and discontented old
+man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind through
+a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country,
+an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him
+one day, and asked how the world was moving with him.
+"Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed," was the answer,
+"the yard has done nothing ava for us this summer,&mdash;if you
+like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax
+weeks."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Scottish Parrot.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking
+itself in the sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which
+happened to be passing over it, suddenly dived down and
+seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk flew with his
+prey. When passing over a garden Poll observed his old
+friend the gardener, and exclaimed, "I'm ridin' noo, John
+Laurie." Hawky alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted
+into a tree for safety, when after recovering a little, commenced
+to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all its
+might, "Will you bite, you rascal." The hawk terrified
+out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed
+homewards at pleasure.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3><i>The Restless Haggis.</i></h3>
+
+<p>Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow.
+Babie kept a lodging-house for sailors. One
+Saturday night Babie was making a Haggis for Sunday's
+dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of quick-silver
+into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will
+was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot
+began to boil, the haggis would be out of the pot. Will,
+faithful to his charge, held the lid on the pot until his
+patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the church
+for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned
+to her two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked
+to Will to be quiet. At last he bawled out, "Babie, come
+hame, for I believe the de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no
+bide in the pat; it's out dancing on the floor, and if I had
+not locked the door, I think it would have been at the kirk
+as soon's mysel."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Expense of a Wife.</i></h3>
+
+<p>An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both
+as regards food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig
+as some bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked
+by his acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife. He
+was very smartly set upon one day, and told how snod a
+wife would keep him, and many other fine things to induce
+him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it
+would be to him, if it was for naething else but to make his
+parritch in the morning. Says he, "I dinna doubt but she
+wad mak my parritch, but the plague is, she wad be fair to
+sup the hauf o' them."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>An Honest M'Gregor.</i></h3>
+
+<p>Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter (alias sheep-stealer),
+in the north Highlands, being at last overtaken by
+the grim tyrant of the human race, was visited by the
+minister of the parish, whose appearance, however, was by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span>
+no means agreeable to Donald. The holy man warmly exhorted
+the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and
+black catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise
+he would have a tremendous account to give at the great
+day of retribution, when all the crimes he had committed in
+this world would appear in dreadful array, as evidence of his
+guilt. "Och! sir," cries the dying man, "an' will a' the
+sheeps an' the cows, an' ilka thing Tonal has helped hersel to,
+be there?" "Undoubtedly," replied the parson. "Then let
+ilka shentleman tak her nain, an' Tonal will be an honest
+man again."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Negro and the Musquito.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A West Indian who had a remarkably fiery nose, having
+fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy who was waiting,
+observed a musquito hovering round his face. Quasi eyed
+the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his
+master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah! bless your
+heart," exclaimed the negro, "me right glad see you burn
+your foot."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>A Brush for the Barber.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop
+in Glasgow a few days since to get shaved. The barber
+bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved him, asked
+the price of it. "Twopence," said the Highlander. "No,
+no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny, if that does not
+satisfy you take your broom again." The Highlander took
+it, and asked what he had got to pay? "A penny," said strap.
+"I'll gie you a bawbee," said Duncan, "an' if that dinna
+satisfy ye, put on my beard again."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>The Kellochsyde Grace.</i></h3>
+
+<p>The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the
+farmer of Kellochsyde, or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:&mdash;"O
+Lord, we'r ay gangan, an we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be
+coman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We leive in the gude
+mailen o' Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale, puir<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span>
+sinfou sons of evil that we are. Monie mercies we receive
+gude trowth; and we're little thankfou for them, gude feth
+Janet, rax by the spunes, and a' praise and glory sall be
+thine. Amen."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>New Method of Teaching Music.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Highland piper having a scholar to teach, disdained to
+crack his mind with the names of semibreves, minims,
+crotchets, and quivers&mdash;"Here, Donald," said he, "tak your
+pipies, lad, and gi's a blast&mdash;so, very weel blaun indeed; but
+what is sound Donald without sense?&mdash;ye may blaw for
+ever, without makin' a tune o't, if I dinna tell you how thae
+queer things on the paper maun help you&mdash;you see that big
+fellow wi' a round open face (pointing to a semibreve
+between the two lines of the bar), he moves slowly, slowly,
+from that line to this, while you beat ane wi' your fit, and
+gi'e a blast: if now ye put a leg to him, ye mak' twa o' him
+and he'll move twice as fast; gif ye black his face, he'll rin
+four times faster than the fallow wi' the white face; but if,
+after blackin' his face, ye'll bend his knee, or tie his legs,
+he'll trop eight times faster than the white faced chap that
+I showed you first. Now, whene'er you blaw your pipes,
+Donald, remember this, the tighter the fallow's legs are tied,
+the faster they will rin, and the quicker they are sure to
+dance."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Long-Winded Preacher.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Parson in the country taking his text in St. Matthew,
+chapter viii. verse 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of
+a fever," preached for three Sundays together on the same
+subject. Soon after two fellows going across the churchyard,
+and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it
+was for. "Nay I can't tell; perhaps," replied he, "it's for
+Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these
+three weeks."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Distinction of Sons and Daughters.</i></h3>
+
+<p>About the year thretty-sax, a company differed "Whether
+it was better for a man to ha'e sons or dochters." They
+could not 'gree, but disputed it <i>pro</i> and <i>con</i>. At last one of
+them said to Graham of Kinross (wha hadna yoked wi' them
+in the argument), "Laird, what's your opinion?" Quo' he,
+"I had three lads and three lassies; I watna whilk o' them
+I liked best say lang as they sucket their mither; but de'll
+ha'e my share o' the callants when they cam to suck their
+father."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Patrimony and Matrimony.</i></h3>
+
+<p>At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman
+asked one of the scholars by what name they called property
+that descended from a father? "Patrimony," answered the
+scholar; "And what do you call it when descended from a
+mother?" "Matrimony," was the reply.</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>An Officer's Wife.</i></h3>
+
+<p>One of the town's officers of Ayr was struck severely by
+accident on the head by his wife. After the fray was adjusted,
+the wife said to her husband, "Henry, had I killed
+you, and I been hanged for it, would you marry Kate
+M'Lauchlan?"</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Highlander and Parrot.</i></h3>
+
+<p>An honest Highlander walking along Holborn, heard a cry,
+"Rogue Scot, Rogue Scot." His northern blood fired at the
+insult, drew his broad sword, looking round him on every
+side to discover the object of indignation. At last he found
+it came from a parrot, perched on a balcony within his
+reach, but the generous Scot disdaining to stain his trusty
+blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with
+a sour smile, saying, "Gin ye were a man, as ye're a green
+geese, I would split your weem."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>An Irishman.</i></h3>
+
+<p>An Irishman one day was walking on the streets of Belfast,
+found a light guinea, and got 18s. for it. Next day he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span>
+walking, and sees another, and says, "Allelieu, dear honey,
+I'll have nothing to do with you, for I lost 3s. by your
+brother yesterday."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Captain Silk.</i></h3>
+
+<p>In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain
+Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception,
+"What a name for a soldier!" "The fittest name in the
+world," replied a witty female, "for Silk can never be
+Worsted."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>A Clever Son.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Farmer's son, who had been some time at the university,
+came home to visit his father and mother; and being one
+night with the old folks at supper on a couple of fowls, he
+told them, that by the rules of logic and arithmetic, he
+could prove these two fowls to be three. "Well, let us
+hear," said the old man. "Why, this," said the scholar, "is
+one and this," continued he, "is two; two and one, you
+know, make three." "Since you ha'e made it out sae weel,"
+answered the old man, "your mother shall ha'e the first
+fowl, I'll ha'e the second, and the third you may keep to
+yoursel."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Breaking the Commandments.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Clergyman who wished to know whether the children of
+the parishioners understood their Bibles, asked a lad that he
+one day found reading the Old Testament, who was the
+wickedest man? "Moses, to be sure," said the boy.
+"Moses!" exclaimed the parson, "how can that be?"
+"Why," said the lad, "because he broke all the commandments
+at once."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Not Lost but Drowned.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south,
+came to the ford of a dark river, at the side of which a boy
+was diverting himself. The traveller addressed him as
+follows:&mdash;"Is this water deep?" "Ay, gaen deep," answered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span>
+the boy. "Is there ever any person lost here?" "No,"
+replied the boy, "there was never any lost; there has been
+some drowned, but we aye get them again."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>A Just Remark.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A certain son of St. Crispian, who resides in Paisley, lifting
+up his four cornered hat the other morning in a hurry,
+found it filled with his wife's fal-de-ral-lals; in a fit of
+wrath he exclaimed "Gudesake, Janet, what the de'il gars
+you stap a' the trash in the house intil a body's hat."
+"Trash, indeed!" exclaimed the indignant spouse, "stap it
+on your ain head, and the biggest trash in the house'll be
+in't."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Scotchman and Irishman.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn
+together. The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman
+in his sleep put his leg out of the bed. A traveller, in passing
+the room door, saw him in this situation, and having a
+mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel;
+who drawing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his companion,
+that he exclaimed, "Arrah, honey, have a care of your
+great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv."
+The Scotchman being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps,
+not a little disturbed by other companies, still kept scratching
+poor Pat, till his patience being quite spent, he succeeded
+in rousing Sawney, who, not a little surprised at finding
+the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, "De'il tak' the daft
+chiel of a hostler, he's ta'en my boots aff last night and left
+on the spur."</p>
+
+
+<h3><i>Charity.</i></h3>
+
+<p>A person who resides in the ancient town of Kilwinning, was
+proverbial for his liberality in meat and drink to friends and
+acquaintances. Strangers, too, seldom passed without experiencing
+a due share of kindness. Lately while feasting
+nearly a dozen of random visitors on "Pat Luck," a beggar
+called at the door soliciting charity, when he very good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span>
+humouredly called out, "I canna help you the day, I ha'e
+plenty o' your kin' here already."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Shooting the Devil.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A Scotch parson preaching upon these words, "Resist the
+devil, and he will fly from you," began thus:&mdash;"My beloved,
+you are all here to-day, but wot ye who is among ye, even
+the meikle horned devil. You cannot see him, but by the
+eye of faith I see him. But some of you say, what will we
+do with him now we have him here? How shall we destroy
+him? We will hang him. Alas, my beloved, there are not
+so many tows in the parish as will hang him, he is as light
+as a feather. Then some of you will say we will drown
+him. Humph, my beloved, there is owre muckle cork in
+his leg, he's as souple as an eel, he will not sink. Others of
+you will say, we will burn him. Na, na, sirs, you may scald
+yourselves, but you canna burn him, for a' the fire in Hades
+could never yet singe a hair o' his tail. Now, sirs, ye canna
+find a way among you all to kill him, but I will find
+it. What way will this be, sirs? We will even shoot
+him. Wherewith shall we shoot him? We shall shoot
+him with the Bible. Now, sirs, I shall shoot him presently."
+So, presenting the Bible, as soldiers do their muskets, he
+cries out, "Toot! toot! toot! Now he is shot. There
+lies the foul thief as dead as a herring."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Long Credit.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming
+through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm house
+of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no
+one at home but an old woman. They immediately proceeded
+to search the house, and soon finding a web of coarse
+home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as
+much as they thought would make a coat to each. The
+woman was exceedingly incensed at their rapacity, roared
+and cried, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span>
+vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried,
+"ye'll ha'e to account for this yet." "And when will we
+pe account for't?" asked one of the Highlanders. "At the
+last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman. "Ta
+last day," replied the Highlander; "Tat be coot lang chredit-we'll
+e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time
+cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Bird's Nest.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>The mother of a respectable grocer in a town in the west,
+called her son to her, while on her death bed, and declared
+to him that his reputed father was not really his father; but
+that such a one (naming him) really was his father; and
+that the deed was done one night when travelling from
+Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head. This story got
+wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine
+source of amusement for some time. One day a boy vulgarly
+named the "Linty," went into the said grocer's shop to purchase
+some article, when he was assailed with "Weel Linty,
+whar is'tu gaun to big thy nest the year?" The boy
+replied, "I was thinkin' to big it doon about the Clun-Brae-Head."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Elder's Hours.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A cunning carle invested with the semi-sacred office of
+"Ruling Elder," or practically seemingly identified with
+that office, in order to gratify an inclination, scratched wi'
+the neb o' a fork the figure 10 on the one side of his outer
+door, and figure 11 on the other; by which plan he was able
+to say wi' "a good conscience," at a' times, and on a'
+occasions, that he came aye hame atween ten and eleven.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>The Thistle.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A few Scotch and English travellers being met together,
+an Englishman took it upon him to run down the Thistle,
+exclaimed against the empty boast of its motto, "Nemo me
+impune lacessit," when a Scotchman present observed,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span>
+"The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scotish nation, but it
+is nothing in the mouth of an ass."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Cold Gentleman.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>In the west of Scotland, some time ago, there happened to
+be an auction of books. A book-buyer who attended the
+sale, was summoned by his son to supper, according to the
+directions of his mother. The boy flurried by the presence
+of the audience, and in his attempt to be as explicit as
+possible, thus cried out, "Fayther, yer parritch is ready."
+"Very well, my dear," said the father, and at the door gave
+him a salute <i>a posteriori</i>, which was repeated with the following
+injunction&mdash;"Recollect rascal, when you come again, to
+say <i>a gentleman</i> wants me." Next evening up comes the
+boy according to direction. "Is my Fayther here?" "Yes,"
+said the father. "<i>A gentleman</i> wants ye." "Very
+well, my man," was repeated by the boy's parent; but little
+time elapsed when the boy returned; "What now, my
+man," said the old book worm. "Oh naething," said his
+son, "but gin ye dinna rin fast <i>the gentleman</i> will be quite
+cauld."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Dougal Graham.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>Dougal Graham, author of the well-known metrical history
+of the rebellion in 1745, being candidate for the place of
+town bellman in the City of Glasgow, was desired to call
+"Gude fresh herrings new come in at the Broomielaw." It
+not being the season for herrings, Dougal added,</p>
+
+<p>"But, indeed, my friends, it's a blaeflum,</p>
+
+<p>"For the herrings no catch'd, and the boats no come,"
+which procured for Dougal the situation.</p>
+
+<p>Dougal was a kind of Scotch Æsop, he had a large humph
+on one of his shoulders, and like his patrotype had wit.
+Calling in the street of the Gallowgate, opposite the Saracen's
+Head Inn, where several officers of the gallant 42d regiment
+were dining, at the close of the American war, some of whom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span>
+knew Dougal before they went abroad, opening the window,
+called out, "What's that you've got on your back, Dougal?"
+Knowing what the regiment suffered at Bunker's Hill,
+Dougal replied, "It's <i>Bunker's Hill</i>; do you choose to
+mount?"</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>A New Way to Wauken Sleepers in Church.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Ogilvie, minister of the parish of Lunan in the county
+of Forfar, had a great deal of eccentricity in his composition.
+One Sunday an old woman, who kept a public-house in the
+parish, with whom Mr. Ogilvie was well acquainted, fell
+asleep in the church during sermon&mdash;not an uncommon
+occurrence. Her neighbour kept jogging in order to awake
+her. Mr. Ogilvie observing this, cried out, "Let her alane,
+I'll wauken her mysel', I'll warrant ye." "Phew! Phew!
+(<i>whistling</i>) a bottle o' ale and a dram, Janet." "Comin',
+sir," was instantly replied. "There now," says the minister,
+"I tald ye it wadna be lang afore I waken'd her."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Sage Instruction.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of
+Perthshire, whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to
+retire out of the house. Janet says to him&mdash;"Oh! you be
+gang awa', Duncan, gang awa'!" The man, however, kept
+loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with something
+of great importance. At last he cries to his wife,
+"You speak a me, Shanet! you speak a me." The wife asks,
+"What you say, Duncan?" "Gie the cummer (the midwife)
+a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!" "What
+for Duncan?" "Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet, an' tell
+<i>him to make her a laddie</i>."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>The Purse and the Penny Siller.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>Three young Highlanders, some years ago, set out from
+their native hills, to seek a livelihood amongst their countrymen
+in the Lowlands. They had hardly learned any English.
+One of them could say, "We three Highlandmen;" the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span>
+second, "For the purse and the penny siller;" and the third
+had properly learned, "And our just right too;" intending
+thus to explain the motives o' their journey. They trudged
+along, when, in a lonely glen, they saw the body of a man
+who had been recently murdered. The Highlanders stopped
+to deplore the fate of the unhappy mortal, when a gentleman
+with his servant came up to the spot. "Who murdered this
+poor man?" said the gentleman, "We three Highlandmen,"
+answered the eldest of the brothers (thinking the gentleman
+inquired who they were). "What could induce you to commit
+so horrid a crime?" continued the gentleman. "The
+Purse and the Penny Siller," replied the second of the
+travellers. "You shall be hanged, you miscreants!" "And
+our just right too," returned the third. The poor men were thus
+brought to the gallows on their own evidence, and presumption
+of guilt.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Lump of Old Wood.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three-footed
+stool in the gallery of the old Church of Falkirk,
+during divine service happened to fall asleep, tumbled on
+the floor with a great noise. The preacher stopped and
+demanded the reason of the noise. "Nothing, sir," cries a
+wag, "but a lump of Old Wood fallen down."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>The Great Want.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A female pauper lately made a very strong and forcible
+appeal to the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an
+advance of 4s. 6d. Some one of the grave quorum inquired
+what made her so urgent on this occasion, when she had
+lately got a supply of coals, shoes, etc. To this she replied,
+"Why, deed, sirs, it's just to buy a pair o' corsets to my
+daughter Tibbie, ilk lass that's ocht respectable has them but
+hersel', so ye see she canna do wantin them, an' ye maun
+e'en let me ha't sirs."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>The Devil Defined.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>The Rev. Mr. Shirra, burgher minister in Kirkcaldy, once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span>
+gave the following curious definition of the devil:&mdash;"The
+devil, my brethren, is ill ony way ye'll tak him. Tak' the
+D from his name, he's <i>evil</i>; tak' the E from his name, he's
+<i>vil</i>; tak' the V from his name, he's <i>il</i>;" then shrugging up
+his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout, he said
+with peculiar emphasis, "He's naething but an <i>il</i>, <i>vil</i>, <i>evil</i>,
+Devil, ony way ye'll tak' him!"</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Mark me Well.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately met a boy
+going with a pot of tar to mark his master's sheep, asked
+the road to Banff, but was directing by so many turnings,
+right and left, that he agreed to take the boy behind him on
+the horse as he was going near to the same place. Finding
+the boy pert and docile, he gave him some wholesome
+advice relative to his future conduct, adding occasionally,
+"Mark me well, my boy." "Yes, sir, I do." He repeated
+the injunction so often, that the boy at last cried out, "Sir,
+I have no more tar!"</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Death of a Watch.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was
+observed extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English
+officer, who had been killed. His comrade viewed him with
+a greedy eye, which the man taking notice of said to him,
+"Tamn you gapin' greedy bitch, gang and shoot a shentleman
+for hersel', an' no envie me o' my pit watch."</p>
+
+<p>Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting
+his comrade, says to him, "Och! she no be care muckle
+about a watch, an' you be like mine, what will ye gi'e me for
+her?" The other replied, "I be venture a kinny." "Weel
+then," said the other, "Shust tak her, an' welcome, for she be
+die yester night."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Our Lawful Sovereign.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>An English Officer Dining With Lord Saltoon Some Years After
+the Battle of Culloden, his Lordship was adverting to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span>
+strong attachment manifested by the generality of Buchan
+to the unfortunate house of Stuart, and particularly remarked
+the devoted loyalty of his gardener, whom no bribe or entreaty
+could in the smallest degree influence. "I'll bet 50
+guineas," said the Englishman, "that I shall make him
+drink the health of King George." "Done!" replied his
+Lordship. The honest gardener was called in. The officer
+began by praising his fidelity and loyalty to his prince;
+pressed him to drink some glasses of wine; and when he
+thought him a little off his guard from the effects of the
+generous liquor, he began thus:&mdash;"Now, my friend, I know
+you are a good Christian and wish well to every human
+being; you can certainly have no objection to drink the
+health of King George? Come, my worthy fellow, a bumper
+to the health of his Majesty." "Here's to the health of our
+<i>lawful</i> Sovereign," said the gardener. "Bless you, sir,"
+cried the officer, "That's not King George?" "I am very
+much of your opinion," replied the man, making a profound
+bow and retiring.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Down the Rotten Row.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>A few years ago, when resurrectionists throughout the
+country were become very common, a person of respectability
+was interred in the High Church burying ground of
+Glasgow. The relatives who were persons of property, hired
+a few hungry weavers, who generally at that time were
+<i>atomies</i> ready made, to watch the grave of their deceased
+relative; these, as they were one night on duty, perceived
+some persons enter, the churchyard; they kept snug till such
+time as they could learn the object of their visit. It was not
+long before the intruders opened a grave, took out the corpse,
+put it into a sack and left it at the grave, and went in search
+of something else. One of the weavers, a droll fellow, said
+to his comrade, "Take out the corpse, and I'll go into the
+sack, but do you observe the proceedings." In a little time
+the resurrection men returned, and one of them getting the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span>
+sack upon his back marched off. When they got to the
+street, the one says to the other, "Which way will we
+take?" When the weaver putting out his hand and gripping
+the fellow who was carrying him, by the hair, bawled out,
+"Down the Rotten Raw, ye beggar." He was soon set down,
+and the man who carried him went mad of the fright.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>Resurrection Men.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>Some years ago, a poor boy, whose mother was buried in the
+churchyard of Falkirk, used frequently to sit on her grave,
+and when destitute of other accommodation, would crawl in
+below one of the gravestones, and slept there for the night.
+On one of these occasions, the boy was roused from his sleep
+by the noise of some voices in the churchyard. This was
+nothing more than a couple of resurrection men who had come
+on purpose to begin that great work rather prematurely;
+and as those who are raised before their due time cannot
+be supposed capable of standing on their legs, they had provided
+themselves with a horse to gi'e them a lift. They
+were then disputing about how they could secure the beast,
+while they were raising the corpse. The lad hearing this,
+and creeping out of his hole, cries, "I'll haud him," expecting
+some remuneration no doubt. The fellows seeing a resurrection
+commencing from under a stone, and hearing the offer of
+holding the horse, scampered off and left the animal, with a
+couple of sacks; and although the horse and sacks were
+advertised, they were never claimed, but sold for the benefit
+of the boy, which procured him better lodging than beneath
+a grave stone.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>March of Intellect.</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade,
+Argyle Street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, "No
+dogs to enter here." "No dogs to enter here!" exclaimed
+one of them, "I'm sure there's no use for that there." "What
+way, Jock," replied the other. "'Cause dogs canna read<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span>
+signs," said he. "Ha, ha, Jock, ye're maybe wrang, I'se
+warran ye gentle folks' dogs 'ill ken't brawly, for there's
+schools, noo, whar they learn the dumb baith to read and
+speak."</p>
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+
+<div class="center"><b>THE</b><br /></div>
+<div><br /></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MERRY CONCEITS</b></span></div>
+<div><br /></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span><br /></div>
+
+<h1>TOM LONG</h1>
+
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE CARRIER</b></span></div>
+
+<p class="center">Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which
+he observed in his Travels.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Full of Honest Mirth and Delight.</i></p>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p>
+Of all the Toms that ever yet was named,<br />
+Was ever any Tom like Tom Long framed?<br />
+Tom Tram, who now as many mad pranks shows,<br />
+Unto Tom Long will prove a mere goose.<br />
+<br />
+Tom Thumb is dumb, until the pudding creep,<br />
+In which he was entomb'd, then out doth peep;<br />
+Tom Fool may go to school, but ne'er be taught,<br />
+Such rare conceits with which Tom Long is fraught.<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>
+Tom Ass may pass, but only for his ears,<br />
+No such rich jewels as our Tom Long he wears;<br />
+Tom Tell-truth is but froth, but truth to tell,<br />
+From all these Toms, Tom Long doth bear the bell.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>How Tom Long at first set up the trade of being a Carrier,<br />
+and where he took up his Lodging.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long, the subject of this discourse, having spent some
+few years like a wandering Jew, oft visiting the coasts of
+Essex and Kent, where he did many notable exploits, sometimes
+cheating the calves-heads of their money, by the
+virtue of hocus pocus, having learned the art of legerdemain.
+Other times he used, as opportunity served, to rob the hen-roost.
+At last, his cheating tricks were so well known, that
+the country kicked him out like a knave as he was, and he
+was willing to be gone as they to be rid of him, soon gave
+them three slips for a teaster, and travelled towards Gotham,
+where he, well knowing what wit those wise men had in
+their noddles, took up his abode near the place where the
+men made a hedge to keep in the cuckoo all the year. Not
+long after, he set up his trade of being a carrier; under
+pretence of which he with ease played his pranks, and the
+wisdom of these men was such, that he cheated them of all,
+and yet the fools had no mistrust of him. And having set
+him up, he found great store of small doings, and above all
+others, the men of Gotham and Dunstable would employ him;
+who, being more knave than fool, ever advised some cheating
+trick or other to gull those idiots; for let him go out
+ever so full, he would be sure to come home empty, telling
+them one mischance or other had befallen him. He took
+up his lodging at the sign of the Whip and Egg-Shell in
+Thieving Lane, not far from Charing Cross, where Dunstable
+men are sure to find him; if not, they may go into Turn-again
+Lane, and come back again as wise as they went in.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man upon<br />
+the way, with what happened to them,<br />
+and how they were entertained by an Hostess.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long being newly set up a carrier, as he was travelling
+he happened to take up a young lad, who had straggled
+from his parents to play the truant, which Tom perceiving,
+entertained him into his service; but they had not gone far
+before their stomachs were up, so they resolved at the next
+place to take a bit, where, as soon as they came, they
+demanded what was for to eat. The hostess, being one of
+Seldom Cleanly's daughters, said there was nothing but
+eggs, of which, she said, she would make them a froize; and
+seeing them to come in, in a full breast and an empty
+stomach, she (like a slut as she was) resolved to give them
+their bellies full before they went; and so, with some three
+or four good eggs, she mixed as many bad ones, some addle
+and rotten, and others ready for to hatch; and having set
+them down at a certain wash block, which served instead of
+a table, she set before them as good a froize as any woman
+possibly could make of coarse materials, making her sauce
+alike suitable, being nothing else but kitchen stuff melted a
+little&mdash;oil as good as ever was burned. Tom and the young
+man fell presently to it, with stomachs as greedy as hogs,
+swallowing down all by wholesale, tag-rag and long-tail,
+without any chewing, although they conceited something
+cracking in their teeth like young bones. Yet hunger,
+which is the best sauce, made every morsel sweet, although
+it had but an ill going down with it, and worse troubled
+their patience afterwards, for they had no sooner eaten of it,
+but like squeezy stomachs they began to cast backwards
+and forwards; and being in this pitiful pickle, they called
+for their hostess, who, thinking to receive her reckoning,
+was paid in her own coin; for, having some of their froize
+left, Tom furiously cast it on her face, which stuck as fast<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span>
+as a plaister to the wall, insomuch that for a while she lost
+her eyesight; which being done, Tom departed without
+paying anything for his dinner.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>How Tom and his Young Man discoursed of their Dinner,<br />
+and how they resolved to mend the matter at night,<br />
+but met with as bad Entertainment.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom and his man being now on their way, began to discourse
+of their dinner, and how prettily they served their hostess;
+but still conceited that they heard these young chickens
+which they had eaten in their froize cry, "Peep, peep, peep,"
+and having cast up all again, their bellies began to cry
+"Cupboard," whereupon Tom, to comfort his young man,
+told him they would be sure to have a good host at night,
+and good fare to. But "like to like," quoth the devil to the
+collier, out of the frying-pan into the fire; for their new
+host proved not only a knave, but a thief, and instead of
+dainty veal, provided for them part of a young colt, which,
+being foaled before its time, ate very tenderly; and going
+to supper, the host, like a flattering knave, told them he
+would feast them bravely; and they, not mistrusting anything,
+fed most courageously, having for to please their
+pallets several kinds of dishes made thereof, the host still
+crying, "You are welcome, gentlemen,"&mdash;all which they
+swallowed down as greedily as the lawyer his fee. And
+having filled their ungodly guts with this supposed good
+cheer, they hastened to bed, where the fleas fed as fast on
+their corpse as they had done upon this new found veal,
+insomuch that they looked as if they had the smallpox. In
+the morning (thinking to have breakfast of the same) they
+missed their coats and other things, which their host had
+thievishly deprived them of. So, searching the house about,
+they found hanging in a corner some pieces of flesh, which
+they supposed to be part of the veal they had eaten of; but
+by the ears of the skin which hanged by, they saw plainly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span>
+it was an ass, and that they were once more made fools of;
+whereupon Tom caused his host to be apprehended, who
+was committed to prison about their goods, where Tom left
+him and departed.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>Tom relates how a certain counterfeit Merchant cheated<br />
+divers Gentlemen of very great sums of Money.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>In the North of England arrived a pretended merchant, but,
+indeed, a very cheating knave, who, residing there a while,
+came to be greatly acquainted with divers gentlemen, who,
+looking on him as one of great account, at last he received
+several great sums of money which he was to pay at London,
+upon the receipt of which he gave every man a bill of exchange,
+receiving of some twenty pounds, some thirty, some
+forty, fifty, some a hundred pounds; and, having pretty well
+feathered his nest, leaving those gentlemen to receive their
+money where they could get it, he departed beyond sea;
+and when the gentlemen came to receive their money, they
+could neither find nor hear of their merchant: whereat they
+were very much vexed, as well as they might be, to see how
+they were cheated of their money. But their hopes are
+that they shall have it brought them again by Tom Long
+the Carrier.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>Of the great request that Tom Long was in, and how the<br />
+wise Mayor of Huntingdon seized on Tom's<br />
+ragged Colt for a Sturgeon.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long having been a carrier for many years, grew in
+great request, and though he was not very well beloved, yet
+he was sure to have many customers that he got carriage
+of, especially the country farmers, who often used to send
+tokens by him to their friends, as gammons of bacon, collars
+of brawn, pies, and other good things, and now and then
+small pieces of silver from Dunstable men: all which Tom
+ever made use of himself, though they perceived it not; for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span>
+by reason they sent by Tom Long the Carrier, they could
+never receive any answer about what he brought. Also, all
+the broken shopkeepers and decayed gentlemen sent their
+creditors' debts by Tom Long the Carrier.</p>
+
+<p>But it happened that, as Tom was going to London, he
+chanced to be at Huntingdon, where, putting his horses to
+grass, amongst which he had a young ragged colt,&mdash;this colt
+having straggled down into the river, certain wise men of
+the town coming by, that had been at Gotham, thought it
+had been a sturgeon, and thereupon acquainted the Right
+Wisdom-Fool the Mayor of it, who assembled together his
+wise brethren, made a very wise speech to them, and acquainted
+them therewith, who very unanimously accompanied
+his foolship; and, after a deep consultation, they all
+agreed to seize the poor colt for a sturgeon; but carrying it
+with great triumph into the town, the inhabitants, who
+were wiser than the rest, exceedingly laughed them to scorn
+for their great folly. And so Tom, promising the Mayor to
+bring him a piece of sturgeon at his return, he had his colt
+again.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>A Story of the Seven Sleepers, who slept above three<br />
+hundred years, and not yet awakened.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>In a great city there lived several men who for their religion
+were forced to fly for their lives, and not far from the city
+was an ancient cave under a hill, in which these men entered
+to secure and refresh themselves; but their persecutors,
+hearing where they were, stopped up the mouth of the cave,
+intending to famish them therein; and they, not knowing
+what was done, so soon as they had refreshed their bodies
+with victuals, laid themselves down to sleep, and so continued
+sleeping very sound a long season, until such time as
+in after ages a shepherd, intending to make himself a harbour,
+set divers masons to work to dig in this cave, who,
+with the noise, awakened the men who had been asleep so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span>
+long therein. The cave being opened, they, thinking it to
+be day, and had slept but one night, sent one of their company
+privately into the city for food, for in all this time
+they had eaten nothing, and well they might be hungry;
+so, coming to the town; he found all things altered, the
+inhabitants being other kind of people, as he supposed, than
+he left the night before. So going to buy some bread, the
+people refused to take his money, saying they knew not the
+coin, at which he greatly marvelled. But inquiring further,
+he found that since their being there three generations had
+been dead and gone, and a fourth in being; and by computation of
+time, it appeared they had slept above three hundred
+years, and lay all this time in their clothes, which were no
+whit decayed, whereat the people all wondered; and Tom
+Long the Carrier, staying all the time they slept to see when
+they would awake, at last brought the news with him.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>How Tom Long the Carrier sold his Horse for the Skin,<br />
+supposing him to be dead; and how a crafty<br />
+fellow coming by knew what the Horse ailed, and so<br />
+bought him.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long the Carrier, travelling on the road, chances to
+put his horse in a field that was overgrown with hemlock,
+which Tom's horse, having had no meat all day, ate so
+greedily on, that it cast him into so sound a sleep that Tom
+thought he had been dead. Being thus sorely crossed, as
+he supposed, he began to flay his skin off to sell, whereupon
+a crafty fellow coming by that way, well knew what the
+horse ailed, bought him for the price of the skin, and paid
+Tom the money. He departed, appointing to fetch the horse
+the very next morning. And when he came on the morrow,
+the horse was awakened out of his sleep, and got upon his
+legs again; which, when Tom perceived, he was sorely vexed
+at his foolish bargain; but his chapman laughed him to
+scorn for his folly, and so departed with his horse.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>How Tom, Long the Carrier converted all his Carriage to<br />
+his own use, and thereby recruited himself with another<br />
+Horse, and of a sad mischance that befel his Horse.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long the Carrier, seeing himself thus fooled out of his
+horse, resolved not to bear all the loss himself, and so converted
+all his carriage into money, and returning home,
+pretended he had been robbed of his horse and all his carriage.
+Not long after, Tom being willing to set up again,
+purchased with his money a new horse; but ill-gotten goods
+seldom thrive. So Tom, having a horse again, received
+divers things to carry from divers places, especially from
+the wise men of Gotham, who were the best customers Tom
+Long the Carrier had. But being on his way not far from
+his inn, he chanced to spy a fine plot of grass under a hedge
+in a corn field, under which Tom, to save charges, secretly
+conveyed his mare, tying her to the hedge with a cord, and
+so left her. But the mare, like an unruly jade, not being
+willing to be confined in so narrow a compass, was minded
+to see what fare was on the other side of the hedge, and
+foolishly venturing to leap over, very unfortunately hanged
+herself, whose untimely death had then nigh broke the heart
+of poor Tom Long; and his grief was the more by reason
+she died without any visitation.</p>
+
+<p>
+Tom nine ways looks, and needs must vexed be;<br />
+Now bought wit's best, Tom Long doth plainly see.<br />
+Tom tells he's robbed, and counteth all his losses,<br />
+And is in hopes he shall have no more crosses.<br />
+"Come, lads, all's gone," Tom takes his comfort then;<br />
+He will be repaid by other men.<br />
+Now many men do Tom Long dispraise,<br />
+Saying, "He has small conscience in his ways,<br />
+But sure I'll lay no such fault to his charge;<br />
+I rather think his conscience was too large."<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>How Tom Long the Carrier was assaulted by a Dog, and<br />
+how valiantly he defended himself, and killed him.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>As Tom Long the Carrier was travelling between Dover
+and Westchester, he fortuned to pass something near a
+house, where was kept a great mastiff dog, who, as soon as
+he had espied Tom, came running open mouthed at him,
+and so furiously assaulted him, as if he meant to devour
+him at a bite. But Tom, having in his hand a good pikestaff,
+most valiantly defended himself like a man, and to
+withstand the danger, he thrust the pike-end of his staff
+into his throat, and so killed him. Whereupon the owner
+thereof, seeing his dog lost, comes earnestly unto Tom, and
+between threatening and chiding, asking him why he struck
+him not with the great end of the staff? "Marry," quoth
+he, "because your dog runs not at me with his tail."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Of a merry conceited Jest brought to Town by Tom.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>A certain king kept a fool to be his jester, whose manner
+was to set down in a note-book, which he kept for that
+purpose, all the follies that he saw committed in or about
+the court, or at least write so many as he discovered. So,
+upon a time, a certain Italian horse-courser arrived at the
+court who professed great skill in horsemanship, and it
+being declared unto the king, he presently sent him with
+three thousand pounds to buy horses in a far country, which
+this fool hearing of, put down in his note-book among the
+rest. When the king heard that, he was much offended,
+and would needs know of Jack Lackwit why he had set
+him down in his note. "Because," quoth the fool, "I think
+he will come no more to you." "But what if he does come
+again?" said the king. "Why, then," said the fool, "I will
+take you out and put him in."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>Of the Hard Lodging which Tom Long the Carrier found on<br />
+the Ground, having under him but one Poor Feather.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long, by reason of the great loss of his horses, became
+very poor, and so turned foot-post; and being in a wearisome
+condition, he was forced, having not coin to pay for
+better, to take up his lodging on the ground, where, tumbling
+and tossing, he could hardly rest all night; and stirring
+himself betimes in the morning, he espied under him one
+feather. "Now," quoth Tom, "I see what was the cause of
+my trouble that I could not sleep all the night. I wonder,
+seeing I found such hard lodging upon one feather, how they
+do that lie upon thousands."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>How Tom Long cozened two Shoemakers out of a<br />
+pair of Shoes.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long being now a foot-post, with hard travelling had
+worn his shoes so very thin that he was in great danger to
+lose soles and all; whereupon Tom came to refresh himself,
+after which he sent for a shoemaker to bring him a pair of
+shoes.</p>
+
+<p>Now Tom, having no coin left, resolved to try his wits;
+so drawing on one of the shoes, he said it fitted well; but
+drawing on the other, he complained that it pinched his
+foot and was too low in the instep; whereupon he desired
+the shoemaker to take that shoe home and let it stand in
+the last for an hour or two, and he would stay so long. As
+soon as he was gone Tom pulled off the other shoe, and sent
+for another shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes, which
+he did; so, drawing on one of them on the other foot, he
+said it pinched him likewise, and so wished him also to
+take that shoe home, and let it stand for an hour on the
+last, and then come again. But the shoemakers saw the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span>
+last of their shoes, for when they came again Tom Long was
+gone, leaving these verses behind them:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+"Whom seek ye, sirs&mdash;Tom Long? Oh, fie upon<br />
+Your tediousness, he's long since gone;<br />
+He went a good while since, no question store<br />
+Are glad, who vex'd he did not go before;<br />
+And some are griev'd he went so soon away,<br />
+The reason was, he could no longer stay;<br />
+Nor is it a wonder that he thus is gone,<br />
+Since all men know he long was drawing on."<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Witty Conceits of Tom Long the Carrier.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Tom Long the Carrier, upon a time, asked a merry conceited
+fellow which was the best husband for a young wench to
+marry. "Marry," quoth the fellow, "an old man, for then
+he shall be sure to be proud of her." Another standing
+by asked Tom Long the Carrier what trade he thought to
+be best? "Marry," quoth Tom, "a cut-purse; for he hath
+no sooner done his work but he hath his money in his
+hand."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIV.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center">
+<i>The Conclusion of the Merry Conceits of Tom Long<br />
+the Carrier.</i><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Tom Long the Carrier coming to an inn,<br />
+Asked the maid what meat there was within?<br />
+"Cow-heels," said she, "and a fine breast of mutton."<br />
+"Then," said Tom, "since that I am no glutton,<br />
+Either or both shall serve&mdash;to-night the breast,<br />
+The heels in the morning, when light meat is best."<br />
+At night he took the breast, and did not pay,<br />
+And in the morning took his heels and ran away.<br />
+When the worst is past, all things begin to mend,<br />
+And here the brave story of Tom Long doth end.<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE</b></span></div>
+<div><br /></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>STORY OF</b></span></div>
+
+<h1>BLUE BEARD</h1>
+
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OR THE</b></span></div>
+<div><br /></div>
+<div class="center"><b>EFFECTS OF FEMALE CURIOSITY.</b></div>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p>There was, some time ago, a gentleman who was extremely
+rich. He had elegant town and country houses; his dishes
+and plates were of gold and silver; his rooms were hung
+with damask; his chairs and sofas were covered with the
+richest silks, and his carriages were all magnificently gilt
+with gold.</p>
+
+<p>But, unfortunately, this gentleman had a blue beard,
+which made him so very frightful and ugly that none of the
+ladies in the neighbourhood would venture to go into his
+company.</p>
+
+<p>It happened that a lady of quality, who lived very near
+him, had two daughters, who were both extremely beautiful.
+Blue Beard asked her to bestow one of them upon him in
+marriage, leaving to herself the choice which of the two it
+should be.</p>
+
+<p>They both, however, again and again refused to marry
+Blue Beard; but, to be as civil as possible, they each pretended
+that they refused because she would not deprive her
+sister of the opportunity of marrying so much to her advantage.
+But the truth was they could not bear the thoughts
+of having a husband with a blue beard, and, besides, they
+had heard of his having already been married to several
+wives, and nobody could tell what had afterwards become
+of them.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As Blue Beard wished very much to gain their favour, he
+invited the lady and her daughters, and some ladies who
+were on a visit at their house, to accompany him to one of
+his country seats, where they spent a whole week, during
+which nothing was thought of but parties for hunting and
+fishing, music, dancing, collations, and the most delightful
+entertainments. No one thought of going to bed, and the
+nights were passed in merriment of every kind.</p>
+
+<p>In short, the time had passed so agreeably that the
+youngest of the two sisters began to think that the beard
+which had so much terrified her was not so very blue, and
+that the gentleman to whom it belonged was vastly civil
+and pleasing.</p>
+
+<p>Soon after they returned home she told her mother that
+she had no longer any objection to accept of Blue Beard for
+her husband, and, accordingly, in a short time they were
+married.</p>
+
+<p>About a month after the marriage had taken place, Blue
+Beard told his wife that he should be obliged to leave her
+for a few weeks, as he had some business to do in the
+country. He desired her to be sure to procure herself every
+kind of amusement, to invite as many of her friends as she
+liked, and to treat them with all sorts of delicacies that the
+time might pass agreeably during his absence. "Here,"
+said he, "are the keys of the two large wardrobes. This is
+the key of the great box that contains the best plate, which
+we use for company; this belongs to my strong box, where
+I keep my money; and this to the casket in which are all
+my jewels. Here also is a master key to all the apartments
+in my house, but this small key belongs to the closet at the
+end of the long gallery on the ground floor. I give you leave,"
+continued he, "to open or do what you like with all the rest
+excepting this closet: this, my dear, you must not enter, nor
+even put the key into the lock, for all the world. Should you
+disobey me, expect the most dreadful of punishments."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>She promised to obey his orders in the most faithful
+manner; and Blue Beard, after tenderly embracing her,
+stepped into his carriage and drove away.</p>
+
+<p>The friends of the bride did not, on this occasion, wait
+to be invited, so impatient were they to see all the riches
+and magnificence she had gained by marriage; for they had
+been prevented from paying their wedding visit by their
+aversion to the blue beard of the bridegroom.</p>
+
+<p>No sooner were they arrived than they impatiently ran from
+room to room, from cabinet to cabinet, and then from wardrobe
+to wardrobe, examining each with the utmost curiosity,
+and declaring that the last was still richer and more beautiful
+than what they had seen the moment before. At length
+they came to the drawing-rooms, where their admiration and
+astonishment were still increased by the costly splendour of
+the hangings, of the sofas, the chairs, carpets, tables, girandoles,
+and looking-glasses, the frames of which were silver
+gilt, most richly ornamented, and in which they saw themselves
+from head to foot.</p>
+
+<p>In short, nothing could exceed the magnificence of what
+they saw; and the visitors did not cease to extol and envy
+the good fortune of their friend, who all this time was far
+from being amused by the fine compliments they paid her,
+so eagerly did she desire to see what was in the closet her
+husband had forbidden her to open. So great indeed was
+her curiosity that, without recollecting how uncivil it would
+be to leave her guests, she descended a private staircase that
+led to it, and in such a hurry that she was two or three times
+in danger of breaking her neck.</p>
+
+<p>When she reached the door of the closet she stopped for
+a few moments to think of the charge her husband had
+given her, and that he would not fail to keep his word in
+punishing her very severely should she disobey him. But
+she was so very curious to know what was in the inside
+that she determined to venture in spite of everything.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>She accordingly, with a trembling hand, put the key into
+the lock, and the door immediately opened. The window
+shutters being closed, she at first saw nothing; but in a
+short time she perceived that the floor was covered with
+clotted blood, on which the bodies of several dead women
+were lying. These were all the wives whom Blue Beard
+had married and murdered, one after another. She was
+ready to sink with fear, and the key of the closet door,
+which she held in her hand, fell on the floor. When she had
+somewhat recovered from her fright she took it up, locked
+the door, and hastened to her own room that she might have
+a little time to get into humour for amusing her visitors;
+but this she found impossible, so greatly was she terrified
+by what she had seen.</p>
+
+<p>As she observed that the key of the closet had got stained
+with blood in falling on the floor, she wiped it two or three
+times over to clean it; still, however, the blood remained
+the same as before. She next washed it, but the blood did
+not stir at all; she then scoured it with brickdust, and
+afterwards with sand, but notwithstanding all she could do,
+the blood was still there; for the key was a fairy, who was
+Blue Beard's friend, so that as fast as she got it off on one
+side it appeared again on the other.</p>
+
+<p>Early in the evening Blue Beard returned home, saying he
+had not proceeded far on his journey before he was met by
+a messenger who was coming to tell him that his business
+was happily concluded without his being present, upon
+which his wife said everything she could think of to make
+him believe she was transported with joy at his unexpected
+return.</p>
+
+<p>The next morning he asked her for the keys. She gave
+them to him; but as she could not help showing her fright,
+Blue Beard easily guessed what had happened. "How is
+it," said he, "that the key of the closet upon the ground
+floor is not here?" "Is it not? then I must have left it on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span>
+my dressing-table," said she, and left the room in tears.
+"Be sure you give it me by-and-bye," cried Blue Beard.</p>
+
+<p>After going several times backwards and forwards, pretending
+to look for the key, she was at last obliged to give
+it to Blue Beard. He looked at it attentively, and then
+said&mdash;"How came the blood upon the key?" "I am sure
+I do not know," replied the lady, turning at the same time
+as pale as death. "You do not know," said Blue Beard
+sternly; "but I know well enough. You have been in the
+closet on the ground floor. Vastly well, madam; since you
+are so mightily fond of this closet, you shall certainly take
+your place among the ladies you saw there."</p>
+
+<p>His wife, almost dead with fear, fell upon her knees, asked
+his pardon a thousand times for her disobedience, and
+entreated him to forgive her&mdash;looking all the time so very
+sorrowful and lovely that she would have melted any heart
+that was not harder than a rock.</p>
+
+<p>But Blue Beard answered, "No, no, madam; you shall
+die this very minute!"</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" said the poor trembling creature, "if I must die,
+allow me, at least, a little time to say my prayers."</p>
+
+<p>"I give you," replied the cruel Blue Beard, "half a
+quarter of an hour; not one moment longer."</p>
+
+<p>When Blue Beard had left her to herself, she called her
+sister, and after telling her, as well as she could for sobbing,
+that she had but half a quarter of an hour to live, "Prithee,"
+said she, "sister Ann" (this was her sister's name), "run up
+to the top of the tower, and see if my brothers are yet in sight,
+for they promised to come and visit me to-day; and if you see
+them, make a sign for them to gallop as fast as possible."</p>
+
+<p>Her sister instantly did as she was desired, and the terrified
+lady every minute called out to her, "Ann! sister Ann!
+do you see any one coming?" and her sister answered, "I
+see nothing but the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass,
+which looks green.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span>"</p>
+
+<p>In the meanwhile Blue Beard, with a great scimitar in
+his hand, bawled as loud as he could to his wife, "Come
+down instantly, or I will fetch you."</p>
+
+<p>"One moment longer, I beseech you," replied she; and
+again called softly to her sister&mdash;"Sister Ann, do you see
+any one coming?" To which she answered, "I see nothing but
+the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass, which looks green."</p>
+
+<p>Blue Beard now again bawled out, "Come down, I say,
+this very moment, or I shall come and fetch you."</p>
+
+<p>"I am coming; indeed I will come in one minute," sobbed
+his unhappy wife. Then she once more cried out&mdash;"Ann!
+sister Ann! do you see any one coming?" "I see," said
+her sister, "a cloud of dust a little to the left." "Do you
+think it is my brothers?" continued the wife. "Alas! no,
+dear sister," replied she; "it is only a flock of sheep."</p>
+
+<p>"Will you come down or not, madam?" said Blue Beard,
+in the greatest rage imaginable.</p>
+
+<p>"Only one single moment more," answered she. And
+then she called out for the last time&mdash;"Sister Ann! do you
+see any one coming?"</p>
+
+<p>"I see," replied her sister, "two men on horseback coming
+to the house, but they are still at a great distance."</p>
+
+<p>"God be praised!" cried she; it is my brothers; give
+them a sign to make what haste they can.</p>
+
+<p>At the same moment Blue Beard cried out so loud for her
+to come down that his voice shook the whole house.</p>
+
+<p>The poor lady with her hair loose, and her eyes swimming
+in tears, instantly came down, and fell on her knees to Blue
+Beard, and was going to beg him to spare her life; but he
+interrupted her saying&mdash;"All this is of no use at all, for
+you shall die." Then, seizing her with one hand by the
+hair, and raising the scimitar he held in the other, was going
+with one blow to strike off her head.</p>
+
+<p>The unfortunate creature turning towards him, desired to
+have a single moment allowed her to recollect herself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"No, no," said Blue Beard, "I will give you no more time,
+I am determined&mdash;you have had too much already;" and
+again raising his arm. Just at this instant a loud knocking
+was heard at the gates, which made Blue Beard wait for a
+moment to see who it was. The gates were opened, and two
+officers, dressed in their regimentals, entered, and, with their
+swords in their hands, ran instantly to Blue Beard, who,
+seeing they were his wife's brothers, endeavoured to escape
+from their presence; but they pursued and seized him
+before he had gone twenty steps, and, plunging their swords
+into his body, he immediately fell down dead at their feet.</p>
+
+<p>The poor wife, who was almost as dead as her husband,
+was unable at first to rise and embrace her brothers. She
+soon, however, recovered; and as Blue Beard had no heirs,
+she found herself the lawful possessor of his great riches.</p>
+
+<p>She employed a portion of her vast fortune in giving a
+marriage dowry to her sister Ann, who soon after became
+the wife of a young gentleman by whom she had long been
+beloved. Another part she employed in buying captains'
+commissions for her two brothers, and the rest she presented
+to a most worthy gentleman, whom she married soon after,
+and whose kind treatment soon made her forget Blue Beard's
+cruelty.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<div class="center"><b>THE</b></div>
+<div><br /></div>
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>LIFE OF</b></span></div>
+
+<h1>MANSIE WAUCH</h1>
+
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>TAILOR IN DALKEITH.</b></span></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<p>I was born during the night of the 15th of October, 1765,
+in that little house, standing by itself, not many yards from
+the eastmost side of the Flesh Market Gate, Dalkeith. Long<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span>
+was it spoken about that something mysterious would
+happen on that dreary night, as the cat, after washing her
+face, gaed mewing about with her tail sweeing behind her
+like a ramrod; and a corbie, from the Duke's woods, tumbled
+down Jamie Elder's lum when he had set the little still a-going&mdash;giving
+them a terrible fright, as they took it for the
+deevil and then for an exciseman&mdash;and fell with a great
+cloud of soot and a loud skraigh into the empty kail-pot.</p>
+
+<p>The first thing that I have any clear memory of was my
+being carried out on my auntie's shoulder, with a leather
+cap tied under my chin, to see the Fair Race. Oh! but it
+was a grand sight! I have read since then the story of
+Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp, but this beat it all to sticks.
+There was a long row of tables, covered with carpets of
+bonny patterns, heaped from one end to the other with shoes
+of every kind and size, some with polished soles and some
+glittering with sparables and cuddyheels, and little red
+worsted boots for bairns with blue and white edgings,
+hinging like strings of flowers up the posts at each end; and
+then what a collection of luggies! The whole meal in the
+market sacks on a Thursday did not seem able to fill them,
+and horn spoons, green and black freckled, with shanks clear
+as amber, and timber caups, and ivory egg cups of every
+pattern. Have a care of us! all the eggs in Smeaton dairy
+might have found resting places for their seats in a row.
+As for the gingerbread, I shall not attempt a description.
+Sixpenny and shilling cakes, in paper tied with skinie, and
+roundabouts, and snaps, brown and white quality, and parliaments
+on stands covered with calendered linen clean from
+the fold. To pass it was just impossible; it set my teeth a-watering,
+and I skirled like mad until I had a gilded lady
+thrust into my little nieve&mdash;the which, after admiring for a
+minute, I applied my teeth to and of the head I made no
+bones, so that in less than no time she had vanished, petticoats
+and all, no trace of her being to the fore save and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span>
+except long treacly daubs extending east and west from ear
+to ear, and north and south from cape nep of the nose to the
+extremity of beardyland.</p>
+
+<p>But what of all things attracted my attention on that
+memorable day was the show of cows, sheep, and horses,
+mooing, baaing, and neighering; and the race&mdash;that was
+the best! Od, what a sight! We were jammed in the
+crowd of auld wives with their toys and shining ribbons,
+and canter lads with their blue bonnets, and young wenches
+carrying home their fairings in napkins as muckle as would
+hold their teeth going for a month. There scarcely could be
+muckle for love when there was so much for the stomach,
+and men with wooden legs and brass virls at the end of
+them playing on the fiddle, and a bear that roared and
+danced on its hind feet with a muzzled mouth, and Punch
+and Polly, and puppie shows, and mair than I can tell, when
+up came the horses to the starting-post. I shall never forget
+the bonny dresses of the riders. One had a napkin tied
+round his head, another had on a black velvet hunting cap
+and his coat stripped&mdash;oh, but he was a brave lad&mdash;and
+sorrow was the folks for him when he fell off in taking ower
+sharp a turn, by which auld Pullen, the bell-ringer, wha was
+holding the post, was made to coup the creels. And the last
+was all life, as gleg as an eel. Up and down he went, and
+up and down gaed the beast on its hind legs and its fore
+legs, funking like mad. Yet though he was not aboon
+thirteen, or fourteen at most, he did not cry out for help
+more than five or six times, but grippit at the mane with
+one hand and at the back of the saddle with the other, till
+daft Robie, the hostler at the stables, caught hold of the
+beast by the head, and off they set. The young birkie had
+neither hat nor shoon, but he did not spare the stick; round
+and round they flew like daft. Ye would have thought
+their een would have loupen out, and loudly all the crowd
+were hurrahing when young hatless came up foremost, stand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span>ing
+in the stirrups, the long stick between his teeth, and
+his white hair fleeing behind him in the wind like streamers
+on a frosty night.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">CALF-LOVE.</p>
+
+<p>Just after I was put to my apprenticeship, having made
+free choice of the tailoring trade, I had a terrible stound of
+calf-love. Never shall I forget it. I was growing up long
+and lank as a willow-wand, brawns to my legs there were
+none, as my trousers of other years too visibly effected to
+show. The long yellow hair hung down, like a flax-wig, the
+length of my lantern jaws, which looked, notwithstanding
+my yapness and stiff appetite, as if eating and they had
+broken up acquaintanceship. My blue jacket seemed in the
+sleeves to have picket a quarrel with the wrists and had
+retreated to a tait below the elbows. The haunch-buttons,
+on the contrary, appeared to have taken a strong liking to the
+shoulders, a little below which they showed their tarnished
+brightness. At the middle of the back the tails terminated,
+leaving the well-worn rear of my corduroys like a full moon
+seen through a dark haze. Oh! but I must have been a
+bonny lad.</p>
+
+<p>My first flame was the minister's lassie, Jess, a buxom and
+forward queen, two or three years older than myself. I
+used to sit looking at her in the kirk, and felt a droll confusion
+when our een met. It dirled through my heart like
+a dart, and I looked down at my psalm-book sheepish and
+blushing. Fain would I have spoken to her, but it would
+not do; my courage aye failed me at the pinch, though she
+whiles gave me a smile when she passed me. She used to
+go to the well every night with her twa stoups to draw
+water after the manner of the Israelites at gloaming, so I
+thought of watching to give her the two apples which I had
+carried in my pouch for more than a week for that purpose.
+How she laughed when I stappit them into her hand and
+brushed by without speaking. I stood at the bottom of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span>
+close listening, and heard her laughing till she was like to
+split. My heart flap flappit in my breast like a pair of fanners.
+It was a moment of heavenly hope; but I saw Jamie
+Coom, the blacksmith, who I aye jaloused was my rival,
+coming down to the well. I saw her give him one of the
+apples, and hearing him say with a loud gaffaw, "Where is
+the tailor?" I took to my heels, and never stopped till I
+found myself on the little stool by the fireside, and the
+hamely sound of my mother's wheel bum-bumming in my
+lug like a gentle lullaby.</p>
+
+<p>Every noise I heard flustered me, but I calmed in time,
+though I went to my bed without my supper. When I was
+driving out the gaislings to the grass on the next morn who
+was it my ill fate to meet but the blacksmith. "Ou,
+Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for
+your best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on
+Sunday."</p>
+
+<p>"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said he; "Jess, the minister's maid, told me last
+night that you had been giving up your name at the manse.
+Ay, it's ower true, for she showed me the apples ye gied her
+in a present. This is a bonny story, Mansie, my man, and
+you only at your apprenticeship yet."</p>
+
+<p>Terror and despair had struck me dumb. I stood as still
+and as stiff as a web of buckram. My tongue was tied, and
+I couldna contradict him. Jamie faulded his arms and gaed
+away whistling, turning every now and then his sooty face
+over his shoulder and mostly sticking his tune, as he could
+not keep his mouth screwed for laughing. What would I
+not have given to have laughed too!</p>
+
+<p>There was no time to be lost; this was the Saturday.
+The next rising sun would shine on the Sabbath. Ah, what
+a case I was in; I could mostly have drowned myself had I
+not been frighted. What could I do? My love had
+vanished like lightning; but oh, I was in a terrible gliff!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span>
+Instead of gundy, I sold my thrums to Mrs. Walnut for a
+penny, with which I bought at the counter a sheet of paper
+and a pen, so that in the afternoon I wrote out a letter to
+the minister telling him what I had been given to hear, and
+begging him, for the sake of mercy, not to believe Jess's
+word, as I was not able to keep a wife, and as she was a
+leeing gipsy.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">PUSHING MY FORTUNE.</p>
+
+<p>The days of the years of my apprenticeship having glided
+cannily over on the working board of my respected maister,
+James Hosey, where I sat working cross-legged like a busy
+bee in the true spirit of industrious contentment, I found
+myself at the end of the seven year so well instructed in the
+tailoring trade, to which I had paid a near-sighted attention,
+that, without more ado, I girt myself round about with a
+proud determination of at once cutting my mother's apron
+string and venturing to go without a hold. Thinks I to
+myself "faint heart never won fair lady," so, taking my stick
+in my hand, I set out towards Edinburgh as brave as a
+Hielander in search of a journeyman's place. I may set it
+down to an especial providence that I found one, on the very
+first day, to my heart's content in by at the Grassmarket
+where I stayed for the space of six calendar months.</p>
+
+<p>Had it not been from a real sense of the duty I owed to
+my future employers, whomsoever they might be, in making
+myself a first-rate hand in the cutting, shaping, and sewing
+line, I would not have found courage in my breast to have
+helped me out through such a long and dreary time.</p>
+
+<p>Never let us repine, howsomever, but consider that all is
+ordered for the best. The sons of the patriarch Jacob found
+out their brother Joseph in a foreign land, and where they
+least expected it, so it was here&mdash;even here where my heart
+was sickening unto death, from my daily and nightly
+thoughts being as bitter as gall&mdash;that I fell in with the
+greatest blessing of my life, Nanse Cromie!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In the flat below our workshop lived Mrs. Whitterraick,
+the wife of Mr. Whitterraick, a dealer in hens and hams in
+the poultry market, who, coming from the Lauder neighbourhood,
+had hired a bit wench of a lassie that was to
+follow them come the term. And who think ye should this
+lassie be but Nanse Cromie, afterwards, in the course of a
+kind providence, the honoured wife of my bosom, and the
+mother of bonny Benjie.</p>
+
+<p>In going up and down the stairs&mdash;it being a common
+entry, ye observe&mdash;me may be going down with my everyday
+hat on to my dinner, and she coming up carrying a
+stoup of water or half-a-pound of pouthered butter on a
+plate, with a piece of paper thrown over it&mdash;we frequently
+met half-way, and had to stand still to let one another pass.
+Nothing came of these forgetherings, howsomever, for a
+month or two, she being as shy and modest as she was bonny,
+with her clean demity short gown and snow-white morning
+mutch, to say nothing of her cherry mou, and me unco
+douffie in making up to strangers. We could not help,
+nevertheless, to take aye a stoun look of each other in passing,
+and I was a gone man, bewitched out of my seven
+senses, falling from my claes, losing my stomach, and over
+the lugs in love, three weeks and some odd days before ever
+a single syllable passed between us.</p>
+
+<p>If ever a man loved, and loved like mad, it was me,
+Mansie Wauch, and I take no shame in the confession; but,
+kenning it all in the course of nature, declared it openly and
+courageously in the face of the wide world. Let them laugh
+who like; honest folk, I pity them. Such know not the
+pleasures of virtuous affection. It is not in corrupted, sinful
+hearts that the fire of true love can ever burn clear.
+Alas, and ohon orie! They lose the sweetest, completest,
+dearest, truest pleasure that this world has in store for its
+children. They know not the bliss to meet that makes the
+embrace of separation bitter. They never dreamed the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span>
+dreams that make awakening to the morning light unpleasant.
+They never felt the raptures that can dirl like
+darts through a man's soul from a woman's e'e. They never
+tasted the honey that dwells on a woman's lip, sweeter than
+yellow marigolds to the bee; or fretted under the fever of
+bliss that glows through the frame on pressing the hand of
+a suddenly met and fluttering sweetheart. But tuts-tuts&mdash;hech-how!
+my day has long since passed; and this is stuff
+to drop from the lips of an auld fool. Nevertheless, forgive
+me, friends; I cannot help all-powerful nature.</p>
+
+<p>Nanse's taste being like my own, we amused one another
+in abusing great cities, and it is curious how soon I learned
+to be up to trap&mdash;I mean in an honest way; for when she
+said she was wearying the very heart out of her to be home
+again to Lauder, which, she said, was her native and the
+true land of Goshen, I spoke back to her by way of answer&mdash;"Nancy,
+my dear," says I, "believe me that the real land of
+Goshen is out at Dalkeith, and if ye'll take up house wi' me,
+and enter into a way of doing, I daursay in a while ye'll
+come to think so too."</p>
+
+<p>What will you say there? Matters were by-and-bye
+settled full tosh between us, and though the means of both
+parties were small, we were young and able and willing to
+help one another. For two three days, I must confess, after
+Nanse and me found ourselves in the comfortable situation
+of man and wife I was a dowie and desponding, thinking we
+were to have a numerous small family and where work was
+to come from; but no sooner was my sign nailed up with
+four iron handfasts by Johnny Hammer, painted in black
+letters on a blue ground, with a picture of a jacket on one
+side and a pair of shears on the other, and my shop door
+opened to the public with a wheen ready-made waistcoats,
+gallowses, leather caps, and Kilmarnock cowls, hung up at
+the window, than business flowed in upon us in a perfect
+torrent. First one came in for his measure and then another.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span>
+A wife came in for a pair of red worsted boots for her bairn,
+but would not take them for they had not blue fringes. A
+bare-headed lassie, hoping to be hansel, threw down twopence
+and asked tape at three yards a halfpenny. The
+minister sent an old black coat beneath his maid's arm,
+preened up in a towel, to get docked in the tails down into
+a jacket, which I trust I did to his entire satisfaction,
+making it fit to a hair. The duke's butler himself patronized
+me by sending me a coat which was all hair powder
+and pomate to get a new neck put to it.</p>
+
+<p>No wonder than we attracted customers, for our sign was
+the prettiest ye ever saw, though the jacket was not just so
+neatly painted as for some sand-blind creatures not to take
+it for a goose. I daresay there were fifty half-naked bairns
+glowering their een out of their heads at it from morning
+till night, and after they all were gone to their beds both
+Nanse and me found ourselves so proud of our new situation
+in life that we slipped out in the dark by ourselves and had
+a prime look at it with a lantern.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">MANSIE WAUCH'S FIRST AND LAST PLAY.</p>
+
+<p>Mony a time and often had I heard of play-acting and
+of players making themselves kings and queens, and saying
+a great many wonderful things, but I had never before an
+opportunity of making myself a witness to the truth of these
+hearsays. So Maister Glen, being as fu' of nonsense and as
+fain to have his curiosity gratified, we took upon us the stout
+resolution to gang ower thegither, he offering to treat me and
+I determined to run the risk of Maister Wiggie, our minister's
+rebuke, for the transgression, hoping it would make na
+lasting impression on his mind, being for the first and only
+time. Folks shouldna at a' times be ower scrupulous.</p>
+
+<p>After paying our money at the door, never, while I live
+and breathe, will I forget what we saw and heard that night.
+It just looks to me by a' the world, when I think on't, like
+a fairy dream. The place was crowded to the e'e, Maister<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span>
+Glen and me having nearly gob our ribs dung in before we
+fand a seat, and them behint were obliged to mount the back
+benches to get a sight. Right to the fore hand of us was a
+large green curtain some five or six ells wide, a guid deal the
+waur of the wear, having seen service through two or three
+simmers, and just in the front of it were eight or ten penny
+candles stuck in a board fastened to the ground to let us see
+the players' feet like when they came on the stage, and even
+before they came on the stage, for the curtain being scrimpit
+in length we saw legs and feet moving behind the scenes
+very neatly, while twa blind fiddlers they had brought with
+them played the bonniest ye ever heard. Od, the very music
+was worth a sixpence of itsel'.</p>
+
+<p>The place, as I said before, was choke full, just to excess,
+so that ane could scarcely breathe. Indeed I never saw ony
+pairt sae crowded, not even at a tent preaching when Mr.
+Roarer was giving his discourses on the building of Solomon's
+Temple. We were obligated to have the windows opened
+for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as close as a
+baker's oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces
+with our hats to keep us cool; and, though all were half
+stewed, we had the worst o't, the toddy we had ta'en having
+fomented the blood of our bodies into a perfect fever.</p>
+
+<p>Just at the time that the twa blind fiddlers were playing
+the "Downfall of Paris" a hand bell rang, and up goes the
+green curtain, being hauled to the ceiling, as I observed wi'
+the tail o' my e'e, by a birkie at the side that had hand o' a
+rope. So, on the music stopping and all becoming as still
+as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes a decent
+old gentleman at his leesure, weel powdered, wi' an auld-fashioned
+coat and waistcoat wi' flap pockets, brown breeches
+with buckles at the knees, and silk stockings with red
+gushets on a blue ground. I never saw a man in sic distress.
+He stampit about, and better stampit about, dadding the end
+of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powers of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span>
+heaven and yearth to help him to find out his runawa'
+daughter that had decampit wi' some ne'er-do-well loon of a
+half-pay captain that keppit her in his arms frae her bedroom
+window up twa pair o' stairs. Every father and head
+of a family maun ha'e felt for a man in his situation thus
+to be rubbit of his dear bairn, and an only daughter, too, as he
+telt us ower and ower again, as the saut, saut tears ran
+gushing down his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on
+his clean calendered pocket napkin. But, ye ken, the thing
+was absurd to suppose that we should ken onything about
+the matter, having never seen either him or his daughter
+between the een afore, and no kenning them by head mark;
+so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do
+with a fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to
+haud our tongues to see what might cast up better than he
+expected. So out he gaed stamping at the ither side, determined,
+he said, to find them out though he should follow
+them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's House, or something
+to that effect.</p>
+
+<p>Hardly was his back turned, and amaist before ye could
+cry Jack Robison, in comes the birkie and the very young
+leddy the auld gentleman described arm and arm thegither,
+smoodging and lauching like daft. Dog on it, it was a
+shameless piece of business. As true as death, before all the
+crowd of folk he pat his arm round her waist and ca'ed her
+his sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and everything
+that is sweet. If they had been courting in a close
+thegither on a Friday night they couldna ha'e said mair to
+ane anither, or gaen greater lengths. I thought sic shame
+to be an e'e-witness to sic ongoings that I was obliged at
+last to haud up my hat afore my face and look down, though,
+for a' that, the young lad, to be sic a blackguard as his conduct
+showed, was weel enough faured and had a guid coat
+on his back wi' double gilt buttons and fashionable lapels,
+to say little o' a very weel-made pair of buckskins a little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span>
+the waur o' the wear, to be sure, but which, if they had been
+cleaned, would ha'e looked amaist as good as new. How
+they had come we never could learn, as we neither saw
+chaise nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is
+mair than likely that they had lighted at the back door of
+the barn frae a horse, she riding on a pad behint him, maybe
+with her hand round his waist.</p>
+
+<p>The faither lookit to be a rich auld bool, baith from his
+manner of speaking and the rewards he seemed to offer for
+the apprehension of his daughter; but, to be sure, when so
+many of us were present that had an equal right to the
+spulzie it wadna be a great deal a thousand pounds when
+divided, still it was worth the looking after. So we just
+bidit a wee.</p>
+
+<p>Things were brought to a bearing, whosoever, sooner than
+either themsel's, I daursay, or onybody else present seemed
+to ha'e the least glimpse of; for just in the middle of their
+fine going on the sound of a coming fit was heard, and the
+lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out, "Hide me, hide me, for
+the sake of gudeness, for yonder comes my old father!"</p>
+
+<p>Nae sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a
+closet, and, after shutting the door on her, he sat down upon
+a chair, pretending to be asleep in a moment. The auld
+faither came bouncing in, and seeing the fellow as sound as
+a tap he ran forrit and gaed him sich a shake as if he wad
+ha'e shooken him a' sundry, which sune made him open his
+een as fast as he had steekit them. After blackguarding the
+chiel at no allowance, cursing him up hill and down dale,
+and ca'ing him every name but a gentleman, he haddit his
+staff ower his crown and, gripping him by the cuff o' the
+neck, askit him what he had made o' his daughter. Never
+since I was born did I ever see sic brazen-faced impudence!
+The rascal had the brass to say at ance that he hadna seen
+word or wittens o' his daughter for a month, though mair
+than a hundred folk sitting in his company had seen him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span>
+dauting her with his arm round her jimpy waist not five
+minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of our
+kirk, my corruption was raised, for I aye hated leeing as a
+puir cowardly sin and an inbreak on the ten commandments,
+and I fand my neebour, Mr. Glen, fidgetting on the seat as
+weel as me, so I thocht that whaever spoke first wad ha'e
+the best right to be entitled to the reward; whereupon, just
+as he was in the act of rising up, I took the word out of his
+mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld gentleman, dinna
+believe him, friend; he's telling a parcel of lees. Never saw
+her for a month! It's no worth arguing or ca'ing witnesses;
+just open that press door and ye'll see whether
+I'm speaking truth or no."</p>
+
+<p>The auld man stared and lookit dumbfoundered, and
+the young man, instead of rinning forrit wi' his double
+nieves to strike me, the only thing I was feared for, began
+a-laughing, as if I had dune him a good turn. But never
+since I had a being did I ever witness an uproar and noise
+as immediately took place. The haill house was sae glad
+that the scoundrel had been exposed that they set up siccan
+a roar o' lauchter and thumpit away at siccan a rate at the
+boards wi' their feet that, at lang and last, wi' pushing and
+fidgetting and hadding their sides, down fell the place they
+ca' the gallery, a' the folk in't being hurled tapsy-turvy head
+foremost amang the saw-dust on the floor below, their guffawing
+sune being turned to howling, ilka ane crying louder
+than anither at the tap of their voices, "Murder! murder!
+haud off me; murder! my ribs are in; murder! I'm killed&mdash;I'm
+speechless!" and ither lamentations to that effect; so
+that a rush to the door took place, in which everything was
+overturned&mdash;the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire,
+the furms strampit to pieces, the lights knockit out, and
+the twa blind fiddlers dung head foremost ower the stage,
+the bass fiddle cracking like thunder at every bruise. Siccan
+tearing, and swearing, and tumbling, and squeeling was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span>
+never witnessed in the memory of man sin' the building of
+Babel, legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, een
+knocked out, and lives lost&mdash;there being only ae door, and
+that a sma' ane&mdash;so that when we had been carried off our
+feet that length my wind was fairly gane, and a sick dwam
+cam' ower me, lights of a' manner of colours, red, blue, green,
+and orange dancing before me that entirely deprived me o
+common sense till, on opening my een in the dark, I fand
+mysel' leaning wi' my braid side against the wa' on the
+opposite side of the close. It was some time before I mindit
+what had happened, so, dreading scaith, I fand first the ae
+arm and then the ither to see if they were broken, syne my
+head, and syne baith o' my legs; but a', as weel as I could
+discover, was skinhale and scart free&mdash;on perceiving which,
+my joy was without bounds, having a great notion that I
+had been killed on the spot. So I reached round my hand
+very thankfully to tak' out my pocket napkin to gi'e my
+brow a wipe when, lo and behold, the tail of my Sunday's
+coat was fairly aff and away, dockit by the haunch buttons.</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE.</p>
+
+<p>It was about the month of March, in the year of grace
+anno domini eighteen hunder, that the haill country trummelled,
+like a man ill of the interminable fiver, under the
+consternation of Bonapartie and all the French vagabonds
+emigrating ower and landing in the firth. Keep us a'! the
+folk, dydit bodies, pat less confidence than became them in
+what our volunteer regiments were able and willing to do
+though we had a remnant amang us of the true bluid that
+with loud lauchter lauched the creatures to scorn, and I for
+ane keepit up my pluck like a true Hielander. Does ony
+leeving soul believe that Scotland could be conquered, and
+the like o' us sold, like Egyptian slaves, into captivity?
+Fie, fie; I could spit on siccan havers. Are we no
+descended, faither and son, frae Robert Bruce and Sir
+William Wallace, having the bright bluid of freemen in our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span>
+veins and the Pentland Hills, as weel as our ain dear hames
+and firesides, to fight for? The fief that wadna gi'e cut-and-thrust
+for his country as lang as he had a breath to draw or
+a leg to stand on should be tied neck and heels, without
+benefit o' clergy, and thrown ower Leith Pier to swim for
+his life like a mangy dog!</p>
+
+<p>It was sometime in the blasty month of March, the
+weather being rawish and rainy, wi' sharp frosty nights that
+left all the window soles whitewashed ower with frost-rind
+in the morning, that as I was going out in the dark, afore
+lying doun in my bed, to gi'e a look into the hen-house door
+and lock the coal cellar, so that I might pit the bit key intil
+my breek pouches, I happened to gi'e a keek in, and, lo and
+behold, the awfu' apparition of a man wi' a yellow jacket
+lying sound asleep on a great lump o' parrot coal in a
+corner.</p>
+
+<p>In the hurry of my terror and surprise at seeing a man
+with a yellow jacket and a blue foraging cap in such a situation,
+I was like to drap the guid twopenny candle and faint
+clean away; but, coming to mysel' in a jiffy, I determined,
+in case it might be a highway rubber, to thraw about the
+key, and, rinning up for the firelock, shoot him through the
+head instantly, if found necessary. In turning round the
+key the lock, being in want of a feather o' oil, made a noise,
+and waukened the puir wretch, who, jumping to the soles of
+his feet in despair, cried out in a voice that was like to break
+my heart, though I couldna make out ae word of his paraphernally.
+It minded me, by a' the world, of a wheen cats
+fuffing and feighting through ither, and whiles something
+that sounded like "Sugar, sugar, measure the cord," and
+"dabble, dabble." It was waur than the maist outrageous
+Gaelic ever spoken in the height o' passion by a Hieland
+shearer.</p>
+
+<p>"Oho!" thinks I, "friend, ye cannot be a Christian from
+your lingo, that's one thing poz; and I would wager tippence<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span>
+you're a Frenchy. Who kens keeps us all, but ye may be a
+Bonaparte himself in disguise, come over in a flat-bottomed
+boat, to spy the nakedness of the land. So ye may just
+rest content, and keep your quarters good till the morn's
+morning."</p>
+
+<p>It was a wonderful business, and enough to happen to a
+man in the course of his lifetime to find Mounseer from
+Paris in his coal neuk, and have the enemy of his country
+snug under lock and key; so while he kept rampaging,
+fuffing, stamping, and diabbling away I went in and brought
+out Benjie with a blanket row'd round him, and my journeyman,
+Tommy Bodkin&mdash;who, being an orphan, I made a kind
+of parlour boarder of, he sleeping on a shake-down beyond
+the kitchen fire&mdash;to hold a consultation and be witness of
+the transaction.</p>
+
+<p>I got my musket, and Tommy Bodkin armed himself with
+the goose, a deadly weapon, whoever may get a clour with
+it, and Benjie took the poker in one hand and the tongs in
+the other; and out we all marched briskly to make the
+Frenchman that was locked up from the light of day in
+the coal house surrender. After hearkening at the door
+for a while, and finding all quiet, he gave a knock to rouse
+him up and see if we could bring anything out of him by
+speering him cross-questions. Tammy and Benjie trembled
+from top to toe, like aspen leaves, but fient a word could we
+make common sense of it all. I wonder wha edicates thae
+foreign creatures? It was in vain to follow him, for he just
+gab, gabbled away like ane o' the stone masons at the tower
+of Babel. At first I was completely bamboozled and amaist
+dung stupid, though I kent a word of French which I wantit
+to pit till him, so I cried through&mdash;"Canna you speak
+Frencha, Mounseer?"</p>
+
+<p>He hadna the politeness to stop and mak' answer, but
+just gaed on wi' his string of havers, without either rhyme
+or reason, which we could mak' neither tap, tail, nor main o'.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It was a sair trial to us a', putting us to our wit's end, and
+hoo to come on was past all visible comprehension, when
+Tammy Bodkin, gi'eing his elbow a claw, said&mdash;"Od,
+maister, I wager something that he's broken loose frae
+Pennycuick. We have him like a rotten in a fa'." On
+Pennycuick being mentioned, we heard the foreign crature
+in the coal house groaning out, "Och" and "ohone," and
+"parbleu," and "Mysie Rabbie"&mdash;that, I fancy, was his
+sweetheart at hame, sum bit French queen that wondered he
+was never like to come frae the wars and marry her. I
+thocht on this, for his voice was mournfu', though I couldna
+understand the words; and, kenning he was a stranger in a
+far land, my bowels yearned within me with compassion
+towards him.</p>
+
+<p>I wad ha'e gien half-a-crown at that blessed moment to
+ha'e been able to wash my hands free o' him, but I swithered,
+and was like the cuddie between the twa bundles of hay.
+At lang and last a thocht struck me, which was to gi'e the
+deluded, simple cratur a chance of escape, reckoning that if
+he fand his way hame he wad see the shame and folly of
+feighting against us ony mair, and, marrying Maysie Rabbie,
+live a contented and peacefu' life under his ain feg and bay
+tree. So, wishing him a sound sleep, I cried through the
+door&mdash;"Mounseer, gooda nighta," decoying away Benjie and
+Tammy Bodkin into the house and dispatching them to
+their beds like lamplighters, bidding them never fash their
+thumbs, but sleep like taps, as I would keep a sharp lookout
+till morning.</p>
+
+<p>As soon, hoosomever, as I fand a' things snug I slippit awa
+to the coal-hole, and, giein' the key a canny turn in the lock,
+I went to my bed beside Nanse.</p>
+
+<p>At the dawn o' day, by cock-craw, Benjie and Tammy
+Bodkin, keen o' the ploy, were up and astir as anxious as if
+their life depended on it, to see that all was safe and snug
+and that the prisoner hadna shot the lock. They agreed to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span>
+march sentry over him half-an-hour the piece, time about,
+the ane stretching himsel' out on a stool beside the kitchen
+fire by way of a bench in the guard-house, while the other
+gaed to and fro like the ticker of a clock.</p>
+
+<p>The back window being up a jink, I heard the two confabbing.
+"We'll draw cuts," said Benjie, "which is to walk
+sentry first. See, here's twa straes; the langest gets the
+choice." "I've won," cried Tammy, "so gang you in a
+while, and if I need ye, or grow frightened, I'll beat leatherty
+patch wi' my knuckles on the back door. But we had
+better see first what he is about, for he may be howking a
+hole through aneath the foundations. Thae fiefs can work
+like moudiewards." "I'll slip forrit," said Benjie, "and gi'e
+a'peep." "Keep to a side," cried Tammy Bodkin, "for,
+dog on it, Moosey'll maybe ha'e a pistol; and, if his birse be
+up, he would think nae mair o' shooting ye as dead as a
+mawkin than I would do of taking my breakfast."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll rin past and gi'e a knock at the door wi' the
+poker to rouse him up?" askit Benjie.</p>
+
+<p>"Come away then," answered Tammie, "and ye'll hear
+him gi'e a yowl and commence gabbling like a goose."</p>
+
+<p>As all this was going on I rose and took a vizzy
+between the chinks of the window shutters, so just as I
+got my neb to the hole I saw Benjie as he flew past give
+the door a drive. His consternation, on finding it flee half
+open, may be easier imagined than described; for, expecting
+the Frenchman to bounce out like a roaring lion, they
+hurried like mad into the house, couping the creels ower
+ane anither, Tammie spraining his thumb against the back
+door, and Benjie's foot going into Tammie's coat pocket,
+which it carried away with it like a cloth sandal. What
+became o' the French vagrant is a matter o' surmise&mdash;nae
+mortal kens.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE LIFE AND</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>ASTONISHING ADVENTURES</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></p>
+
+<h1>PETER WILLIAMSON</h1>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>WHO WAS</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Carried off when a Child from Aberdeen</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>AND SOLD FOR A SLAVE.</b></span></p>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p>I was born in the parish of Aboyne, Aberdeenshire, of
+respectable parents, who sent me very early to live with
+an aunt at Aberdeen. When, under the years of pupilarity,
+once playing on the quay with others of my companions&mdash;being
+of a stout robust constitution&mdash;I was taken notice of
+by two fellows belonging to a vessel in the harbour employed
+in the trade called kidnapping&mdash;that is, stealing
+young children from their parents, and selling them as
+slaves in plantations abroad. Being marked out by those
+monsters of impiety as their prey, I was cajoled on board
+the ship by them, where I was no sooner got than they
+conducted me between the decks to some others they had
+kidnapped in the same manner. At that time I had no
+sense of the fate that was destined for me, and spent the
+time in childish amusements with my fellow-sufferers in
+the steerage, being never suffered to go upon deck whilst
+the vessel lay in the harbour.</p>
+
+<p>In about a month's time the ship set sail for America. I
+cannot forget that, when we arrived on the coast we were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span>
+destined for, a hard gale of wind sprung up from the S.E.,
+and, to the captain's great surprise (he not thinking he was
+near land, although having been eleven weeks on the passage),
+about twelve o'clock at night, the ship struck on a
+sandbank off Cape May, near the Capes of Delaware, and,
+to the great terror and affright of the ship's company, in a
+short time was almost full of water. The boat was then
+hoisted out, into which the captain and his fellow villains,
+the crew, got with some difficulty, leaving me and my
+deluded companions to perish, as they then naturally concluded
+inevitable death to be our fate. Often in my distresses
+and miseries since, have I wished that such had been
+the consequence, when in a state of innocence! But Providence
+thought proper to reserve me for future trials of its
+goodness. Thus abandoned and deserted, without the least
+prospect of relief, but threatened every moment with death,
+did these villains leave us. The cries, the shrieks and tears
+of a parcel of infants had no effect on, or caused the least
+remorse in, the breasts of these merciless wretches. Scarce
+can I say to which to give the preference, whether to such
+as these who have had the opportunity of knowing the
+Christian religion, or to the savages hereinafter described&mdash;who
+profane not the gospel or boast of humanity; and if
+they act in a more brutal and butcherly manner, yet it is to
+their enemies, for the sake of plunder and the rewards
+offered them&mdash;for their principles are alike, the love of
+sordid gain being both their motives. The ship being on
+a sandbank, which did not give way to let her deeper, we
+lay in the same deplorable condition until morning, when,
+though we saw the land of Cape May at about a mile's
+distance, we knew not what would be our fate.</p>
+
+<p>The wind at length abated, and the captain, unwilling to
+lose all her cargo, about ten o'clock sent some of his crew in
+a boat to the ship's side to bring us on shore, where we lay
+in a sort of a camp, made of the sails of the vessel, and such<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span>
+other things as we could get. The provisions lasted us until
+we were taken in by a vessel bound to Philadelphia, lying
+on this island, as well as I can recollect, near three weeks.
+Very little of the cargo was saved undamaged, and the
+vessel was entirely lost.</p>
+
+<p>When arrived and landed at Philadelphia, the capital of
+Pennsylvania, the captain had people enough who came to
+buy us. He sold us at about £16 per head. What became
+of my unhappy companions I never knew. It was my lot
+to be sold to one of my countrymen, whose name was Hugh
+Wilson, a North Briton, who had in his youth undergone
+the same fate as myself, having been kidnapped from St.
+Johnstown, in Scotland.</p>
+
+<p>Happy was my lot in falling into my countryman's power,
+as he was, contrary to many others of his calling, a humane,
+worthy, honest man. Having no children of his own, and
+commiserating my unhappy condition, he took great care of
+me until I was fit for business, and about the twelfth year
+of my age, set me about little trifles, in which state I continued
+until my fourteenth year, when I was more fit for
+harder work. During such my idle state, seeing my fellow-servants
+often reading and writing, it incited in me an inclination
+to learn, which I intimated to my master, telling
+him I should be very willing to serve a year longer than
+the contract by which I was sold, if he would indulge me in
+going to school; this he readily agreed to, saying that winter
+would be the best time. It being then summer, I waited
+with impatience for the other season; but, to make some
+progress in my design, I got a Primer, and learned as much
+from my fellow-servants as I could. At school, where I
+went every winter for five years, I made a tolerable proficiency,
+and have ever since been improving myself at
+leisure hours. With this good master I continued till I
+was seventeen years old, when he died; and as a reward
+for my faithful service, he left me £200 currency, which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span>
+was then about £150 sterling, his best horse, saddle, and all
+his wearing apparel.</p>
+
+<p>Being now my own master, having money in my pocket,
+and all other necessaries, I employed myself in jobbing
+about the country, working for any one that would employ
+me, for near seven years, when, thinking I had money sufficient
+to follow some better way of life, I resolved to settle,
+but thought one step necessary thereto was to be married;
+for which purpose I applied to the daughter of a substantial
+planter, and found my suit was not unacceptable to her or
+her father, so that matters were soon concluded upon, and
+we married. My father-in-law, in order to establish us in
+the world in an easy, if not affluent manner, made me a
+deed of gift of a tract of land, that lay, unhappily for me, as
+it has since proved, on the frontiers of the province of Pennsylvania,
+near the forks of Delaware, in Berks County, containing
+about two hundred acres, thirty of which were well
+cleared and fit for immediate use, whereon was a good house
+and barn. The place pleasing me well, I settled on it,
+though it cost me the major part of my money in buying
+stock, household furniture, and implements for out-door
+work. And happy as I was in a good wife, yet did my
+felicity last me not long, for about the year 1754, the Indians
+in the French interest, who had for a long time before
+ravaged and destroyed other parts of America unmolested,
+I may very properly say, began to be very troublesome on
+the frontiers of our province, where they generally appeared
+in small skulking parties, with yellings, shoutings, and antic
+postures, instead of trumpets and drums, committing great
+devastations. The Pennsylvanians little imagined at first
+that the Indians, guilty of such outrages and violence, were
+some of those who pretended to be in the English interest,
+which, alas! proved to be too true to many of us; for, like
+the French in Europe, without regard to faith or treaties,
+they suddenly break out into furious, rapid outrages and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span>
+devastations, but soon retire precipitately, having no stores
+nor provisions but what they meet with in their incursions.
+Some, indeed, carry a bag with biscuit or Indian corn therein,
+but not unless they have a long march to their destined
+place of action. And those French who were sent to dispossess
+us in that part of the world, being indefatigable in
+their duty, and continually contriving and using all manner
+of ways and means to win the Indians to their interest,
+many of whom had been too negligent, and sometimes, I
+may say, cruelly treated by those who pretend to be their
+protectors and friends, found it no very difficult matter to
+get over to their interest many who belonged to those
+nations in amity with us, especially as the rewards they
+gave them were so great, they paying for every scalp of an
+English person £15 sterling.</p>
+
+<p>Shocking to human nature were the barbarities daily
+committed by the savages, and are not to be parallelled in
+all the volumes of history! Scarce did a day pass but some
+unhappy family or other fell victims to savage cruelty.
+Terrible indeed it proved to me, as well as to many others.
+I that was now happy in an easy state of life, blessed with
+an affectionate and tender wife, who was possessed of all
+amiable qualities, to enable me to go through the world
+with that peace and serenity of mind which every Christian
+wishes to possess, became on a sudden one of the most unhappy
+and deplorable of mankind. Scarce can I sustain
+the shock which for ever recoils on me, at thinking on the
+last time of seeing that good woman. The fatal 2nd of
+October, 1754, she that day went from home to visit some
+of her relations. As I stayed up later than usual, expecting
+her return, none being in the house besides myself, how
+great was my surprise, terror, and affright, when, about
+eleven o'clock at night, I heard the dismal war-cry, or war-whoop
+of the savages, and to my inexpressible grief, soon
+found my house was attacked by them. I flew to my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span>
+chamber window, and perceived them to be twelve in
+number. They making several attempts to get in, I asked
+them what they wanted. They gave me no answer, but
+continued beating and trying to get the door opened.
+Judge, then, the condition I must be in, knowing the
+cruelty and merciless disposition of those savages, should I
+fall into their hands. To escape which dreadful misfortune,
+having my gun loaded in my hand, I threatened them with
+death if they should not desist. But how vain and fruitless
+are the efforts of one man against the united force of so
+many, and of such merciless, undaunted, and blood-thirsty
+monsters as I had here to deal with. One of them that
+could speak a little English threatened me in return, that if
+I did not come out they would burn me alive in the house,
+telling me farther, that they were no friends to the English,
+but if I would come out and surrender myself prisoner, they
+would not kill me. My terror and distraction at hearing
+this is not to be expressed by words, nor easily imagined
+by any person, unless in the same condition. Little could I
+depend on the promises of such creatures, and yet if I did
+not, inevitable death, by being burnt alive, must be my lot.
+Distracted as I was, in such deplorable circumstances, I
+chose to rely on the uncertainty of their fallacious promises
+rather than meet with certain death by rejecting them, and,
+accordingly, went out of my house with my gun in my hand,
+not knowing what I did, or that I had it. Immediately on
+my approach, they rushed on me like so many tigers, and
+instantly disarmed me. Having me thus in their power,
+the merciless villains bound me to a tree near the door;
+they then went into the house and plundered and destroyed
+everything, carrying off what moveables they could; the
+rest, together with the house, they set fire to, and consumed
+before my eyes. The barbarians, not satisfied with this, set
+fire to my barn, stable, and outhouses, wherein were about
+two hundred bushels of wheat, six cows, four horses, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span>
+five sheep, which were entirely consumed to ashes. During
+the conflagration, to describe the thoughts, the fears, and
+misery that I felt, is utterly impossible; after this they untied
+me, and gave me a great load to carry on my back,
+under which I travelled all that night with them, full of
+the most terrible apprehensions, and oppressed with the
+greatest anxiety of mind, lest my unhappy wife should
+likewise have fallen a prey to those cruel monsters.
+At daybreak my infernal masters ordered me to lay down
+my load, when, tying my hands again round a tree with a
+small cord, they then forced the blood out of my finger-ends.
+They then kindled a fire near the tree whereto I was bound,
+which filled me with dreadful agonies, concluding I was
+going to be made a sacrifice to their barbarity.</p>
+
+<p>The fire being thus made, they for some time danced
+round me after their manner, with various odd motions and
+antic gestures, whooping, hallooing, and crying in a frightful
+manner, as it is their custom. Having satisfied themselves
+in this sort of their mirth, they proceeded in a more tragical
+manner, taking the burning coals and sticks, flaming with
+fire at the ends, holding them near my face, head, hands,
+and feet, with a deal of monstrous pleasure and satisfaction,
+and at the same time threatening to burn me entirely if I
+made the least noise or motion of my body. Thus tortured,
+as I was, almost to death, I suffered their brutal pleasure
+without being allowed to vent my inexpressible anguish
+otherwise than by shedding tears; even which, when these
+inhuman tormentors observed, with a shocking pleasure and
+alacrity, they would take fresh coals and apply near my
+eyes, telling me my face was wet, and that they would dry
+it for me. How I suffered these tortures I have here faintly
+described has been matter of wonder to me many times;
+but God enabled me to wait with more than common
+patience for a deliverance I daily prayed for.</p>
+
+<p>Having at length satisfied their brutal pleasure, they sat<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span>
+round the fire and roasted their meat, of which they had
+robbed my dwelling. When they had prepared it, and
+satisfied their voracious appetites, they offered some to me;
+though it is easily imagined I had but little appetite to eat,
+after the tortures and miseries I had undergone; yet was I
+forced to seem pleased with what they offered me, lest, by
+refusing it, they had again resumed their hellish practices.
+What I could not eat, I contrived to get between the bark
+and the tree where I was fixed, they having unbound my
+hands until they imagined I had ate all they gave me; but
+then they again bound me as before, in which deplorable
+condition was I forced to continue all that day. When the
+sun was set they put out the fire and covered the ashes
+with leaves, as is their usual custom, that the white people
+might not discover any traces or signs of their having been
+there.</p>
+
+<p>Going from thence along by the river, for the space of
+six miles, loaded as I was before, we arrived at a spot near
+the Apalachian mountains, where they hid their plunder
+under logs of wood; and oh! shocking to relate, from thence
+did these hellish monsters proceed to a neighbouring house,
+occupied by one Joseph Suider and his unhappy family&mdash;consisting
+of his wife, five children, and a young man, his
+servant. They soon got admittance into the unfortunate
+man's house, where they immediately, without the least
+remorse, and with more than brutal cruelty, scalped the
+tender parents and the unhappy children. Nor could the
+tears, the shrieks, or cries of these unhappy victims prevent
+their horrid massacre; for having thus scalped them, and
+plundered the house of everything that was moveable, they
+set fire to the same, where the poor creatures met their final
+doom amidst the flames, the hellish miscreants standing at
+the door, or as near the house as the flames would permit
+them, rejoicing and echoing back, in their diabolical manner,
+the piercing cries, heart-rending groans, and paternal and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span>
+affectionate soothings, which issued from this most horrid
+sacrifice of an innocent family. Not contented with what
+they had already done, they still continued their inordinate
+villainy, in making a general conflagration of the barn and
+stables, together with all the corn, horses, cows, and everything
+on the place.</p>
+
+<p>Thinking the young man belonging to this unhappy
+family would be of some service to them in carrying part
+of their plunder, they spared his life, and loaded him and
+myself with what they had here got, and again marched to
+the Blue Hills, where they stowed their goods as before.
+My fellow-sufferer could not long bear the cruel treatment
+which we were both obliged to suffer, and complaining bitterly
+to me of being unable to proceed any farther, I endeavoured
+to condole him as much as lay in my power, to bear
+up under his afflictions, and wait with patience till, by the
+divine assistance, we should be delivered out of their
+clutches; but in vain, for he still continued his moans and
+tears, which one of the savages perceiving as we travelled
+on, instantly came up to us, and with his tomahawk gave
+him a blow on the head, which felled the unhappy youth to
+the ground, where they immediately scalped and left him.
+The suddenness of this murder shocked me to that degree,
+that I was in a manner like a statue, being quite motionless,
+expecting my fate would soon be the same; however, recovering
+my distracted thoughts, I dissembled the uneasiness
+and anguish which I felt as well as I could from the
+barbarians; but such was the terror that I was under, that
+for some time I scarce knew the days of the week, or what
+I did, so that, at this period, life indeed became a burden to
+me, and I regretted being saved from my first persecutors,
+the sailors.</p>
+
+<p>The horrid fact being completed, they kept on their course
+near the mountains, where they lay skulking four or five
+days, rejoicing at the plunder and store they had got. When<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span>
+provisions became scarce, they made their way towards
+Susquehana, where still, to add to the many barbarities
+they had already committed, passing near another house
+inhabited by an unhappy old man, whose name was John
+Adams, with his wife and four small children; and, meeting
+with no resistance, they immediately scalped the unhappy
+wife and her four children before the good old man's eyes.
+Inhuman and horrid as this was, it did not satiate them, for
+when they had murdered the poor woman, they acted with
+her in such a brutal manner as decency, or the remembrance
+of the crime, will not permit me to mention, and this even
+before the unhappy husband, who, not being able to avoid
+the sight, and incapable of affording her the least relief,
+entreated them to put an end to his miserable being. But
+they were as deaf and regardless to the tears, prayers, and
+entreaties of this venerable sufferer as they had been to
+those of the others, and proceeded in their hellish purpose
+of burning and destroying his house, barn, cattle, hay, corn,
+and everything the poor man a few hours before was master
+of. Having saved what they thought proper from the
+flames, they gave the old man, feeble, weak, and in the
+miserable condition he then was, as well as myself, burdens
+to carry, and loading themselves likewise with bread and
+meat, pursued their journey on towards the Great Swamp,
+where, being arrived, they lay for eight or nine days, sometimes
+diverting themselves in exercising the most atrocious
+and barbarous cruelties on their unhappy victim, the old
+man. Sometimes they would strip him naked and paint
+him all over with various sorts of colours, which they extracted
+or made from herbs and roots; at other times they
+would pluck the white hairs from his venerable beard, and
+tauntingly tell him he was a fool for living so long, and
+that they would show him kindness in putting him out of
+the world; to all which the poor creature could but vent
+his sighs, his tears, his moans, and entreaties, that, to my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span>
+affrighted imagination, were enough to penetrate a heart of
+adamant, and soften the most obdurate savage. In vain,
+alas! were all his tears, for daily did they tire themselves
+with the various means they tried to torment him&mdash;sometimes
+tying him to a tree and whipping him, at others
+scorching his furrowed cheeks with red-hot coals, and
+burning his legs quite to the knees. But the good
+old man, instead of repining or wickedly arraigning
+the divine justice, like many others in such cases,
+even in the greatest agonies, incessantly offered up
+his prayers to the Almighty; with the most fervent
+thanksgivings for his former mercies, and hoping the flames,
+then surrounding and burning his aged limbs, would soon
+send him to the blissful mansions of the just, to be a partaker
+of the blessings there. And during such pious ejaculations,
+his infernal plagues would come round him, mimicking
+his heart-rending groans and piteous wailings. One
+night, after he had thus been tormented, whilst he and I
+were sitting together, condoling each other at the misfortunes
+and miseries we daily suffered, twenty scalps and
+three prisoners were brought in by another party of Indians.
+They had unhappily fallen into their hands in Cannojigge, a
+small town near the river Susquehana, chiefly inhabited by
+the Irish. These prisoners gave us some shocking accounts
+of the murders and devastations committed in their parts.
+The various and complicated actions of these barbarians
+would entirely fill a large volume; but what I have already
+written, with a few other instances which I shall select from
+the information, will enable the reader to guess at the horrid
+treatment the English, and Indians in their interest, suffered
+for many years past. I shall therefore only mention, in a
+brief manner, those that suffered near the same time with
+myself. This party who now joined us, had it not, I found,
+in their power to begin their wickedness as soon as those
+who visited my habitation, the first of their tragedies being<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span>
+on the 25th day of October, 1754, when John Lewis, with
+his wife and three small children, fell sacrifices to their
+cruelty, and were miserably scalped and murdered, his
+house, barn, and everything he possessed being burnt and
+destroyed. On the 28th, Jacob Miller, with his wife and
+six of his family, together with everything on his plantation,
+underwent the same fate. The 30th&mdash;the house, mill,
+barn, twenty head of cattle, two teams of horses, and everything
+belonging to the unhappy George Folke, met with the
+like treatment&mdash;himself, wife, and all his miserable family,
+consisting of nine in number, being inhumanly scalped, then
+cut in pieces and given to the swine, which devoured them.
+I shall give another instance of the numberless and unheard
+of barbarities they related of the savages, and proceed to
+their own tragical end. In short, one of the substantial
+traders belonging to the province, having business that
+called him some miles up the country, fell into the hands of
+these devils, who not only scalped him, but immediately
+roasted him before he was dead; then, like cannibals for
+want of other food, ate his whole body, and of his head
+made what they called an Indian pudding.</p>
+
+<p>From these few instances of savage cruelty, the deplorable,
+situation of the defenceless inhabitants, and what they
+hourly suffered in that part of the globe, must strike the
+utmost terror to a human soul, and cause in every breast
+the utmost detestation, not only against the authors of such
+tragic scenes, but against those who, through perfidy, inattention,
+or pusillanimous and erroneous principles, suffered
+these savages at first, unrepelled, or even unmolested, to
+commit such outrages and incredible depredations and murders;
+for no torments, no barbarities that can be exercised
+on the human sacrifices they get into their power, are left
+untried or omitted.</p>
+
+<p>The three prisoners that were brought with these additional
+forces, constantly repining at their lot, and almost<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span>
+dead with their excessive hard treatment, contrived at last
+to make their escape; but being far from their own settlements,
+and not knowing the country, were soon after met
+by some others of the tribes or nations at war with us, and
+brought back to their diabolical masters, who greatly rejoiced
+at having them again in their infernal power. The
+poor creatures, almost famished for want of sustenance,
+having had none during the time of their elopement, were
+no sooner in the clutches of the barbarians, than two of
+them were tied to a tree, and a great fire made round them,
+where they remained till they were terribly scorched and
+burnt, when one of the villains, with his scalping knife,
+ripped open their bellies, took out their entrails, and burnt
+them before their eyes, whilst the others were cutting,
+piercing, and tearing the flesh from their breasts, hands,
+arms, and legs, with red-hot irons, till they were dead. The
+third unhappy victim was reserved a few hours longer, to
+be, if possible, sacrificed in a more cruel manner. His arms
+were tied close to his body, and a hole being dug deep
+enough for him to stand upright, he was put therein, and
+earth rammed and beat in all round his body, up to the
+neck, so that his head only appeared above the ground;
+they then scalped him, and there let him remain for three
+or four hours in the greatest agonies; after which they
+made a small fire near his head, causing him to suffer the
+most excruciating torments imaginable, whilst the poor
+creature could only cry for mercy in killing him immediately,
+for his brains were boiling in his head. Inexorable
+to all his plaints, they continued the fire, whilst, shocking
+to behold, his eyes gushed out of their sockets; and such
+agonizing torments did the unhappy creature suffer for near
+two hours, till he was quite dead! They then cut off his
+head and buried it with the other bodies, my task being to
+dig the graves, which, feeble and terrified as I was, the
+dread of suffering the same fate enabled me to do. I shall<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span>
+not here take up the reader's time in vainly attempting to
+describe what I felt on such an occasion, but continue my
+narrative, as more equal to my abilities.</p>
+
+<p>A great snow now falling, the barbarians were a little
+fearful lest the white people should, by their traces, find out
+their skulking retreats, which obliged them to make the
+best of their way to their winter quarters, about two hundred
+miles farther from any plantation or inhabitants, where,
+after a long and tedious journey, being almost starved, I
+arrived with this infernal crew. The place where we were
+to rest, in their tongue, is called Alamingo. There were
+found a number of wigwams full of their women and children.
+Dancing, shooting, and shouting were their general
+amusements; and in all their festivals and dances they
+relate what successes they have had, and what damages
+they have sustained in their expeditions, in which I became
+part of their theme. The severity of the cold increasing,
+they stripped me of my clothes, for their own use, and gave
+me such as they usually wore themselves, being a piece of
+blanket, a pair of mogganes, or shoes, with a yard of coarse
+cloth to put round me instead of breeches. To describe
+their dress and manner of living may not be altogether unacceptable
+to some of my readers; but, as the size of this
+book will not permit me to be so particular as I might
+otherwise be, I shall just observe that they in general wear
+a white blanket, which in war-time they paint with various
+figures, but particularly the leaves of trees, in order to
+deceive their enemies when in the woods. Their mogganes
+are made of deer-skins, and the best sort have them bound
+round the edges with little beads and ribbands. On their
+legs they wear pieces of blue cloth for stockings, some like
+our soldiers' splatter-dashes. They reach higher than their
+knees, but not lower than their ancles. They esteem them
+easy to run in. Breeches they never wear, but instead
+thereof, two pieces of linen, one before and another behind.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span>
+The better sort have shirts of the finest linen they can get,
+and to these some wear ruffles; but these they never put on
+till they have painted them of various colours, which they
+get from the pecone root and bark of trees, and never pull
+them off to wash, but wear them till they fall to pieces.
+They are very proud, and take great delight in wearing
+trinkets, such as silver plates round their wrists and necks,
+with several strings of wampum, which is made of cotton,
+interwoven with pebbles, cockleshells, etc., down to their
+breasts, and from their ears and noses they have rings or
+beads, which hang dangling an inch or two. The men have
+no beards, to prevent which they use certain instruments
+and tricks as soon as it begins to grow. The hair of their
+heads is managed differently; some pluck out and destroy
+all, except a lock hanging from the crown of the head,
+which they interweave with wampum and feathers of
+various colours. The women wear it very long, twisted
+down their backs with beads, feathers, and wampum, and
+on their heads most of them wear little coronets of brass or
+copper; round their middle they wear a blanket instead of
+a petticoat. The females are very chaste and constant to
+their husbands; and if any young maiden should happen to
+have a child before marriage, she is never esteemed afterwards.
+As for their food, they get it chiefly by hunting
+and shooting, and boil or roast all the meat they eat. Their
+standing dish consists of Indian corn soaked, then bruised
+and boiled. Their bread is likewise made of wild oats, or
+sunflower seeds. Their gun, tomahawk, scalping-knife,
+powder, and shot, they carry with them in time of war.
+They in war decline open engagements&mdash;bush-fighting or
+skulking is their discipline. They are brave when engaged,
+having great fortitude in enduring tortures, and are the
+most implacably vindictive people upon the earth; for they
+revenge the death of any relation, or any affront, whenever
+occasion presents, let the distance of time be ever so remote.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span>
+After long enduring the greatest of hardships with these
+Indians, I at last escaped out of their hands, and went to
+Quebec, where I was put on board a French packet bound
+for England; and after a passage of six weeks, we at last,
+to our great joy, arrived at Plymouth on the 6th of November,
+1756.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>FAMOUS EXPLOITS</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></p>
+
+<h1>ROBIN HOOD</h1>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>LITTLE JOHN</b></span><span class="sm"> <b>AND</b></span> <span class="lg"><b>HIS MERRY MEN ALL.</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>INCLUDING AN ACCOUNT OF HIS</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>BIRTH, EDUCATION, AND DEATH.</b></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>The Birth and Parentage of Robin Hood.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Kind gentlemen, listen a while to my story, and I will tell
+you the bold exploits of the famous Robin Hood and his
+comrade, Little John.</p>
+
+<p>All England was filled with the renown of Robin Hood,
+and the great and the valiant stood in fear of him. He
+never harmed the poor, for he pitied their fate, and only
+spoiled the wealthy and proud, or nobles and slothful
+bishops, who lived in state on the fruit of the husbandman's
+toil. Robin was born in the merry town of Locksley, in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span>
+Nottinghamshire. His father was a stout forester, and kept
+the deer of King Richard the First; his mother was niece to
+the celebrated Sir Guy of Warwick, and was sister to Squire
+Gamewell, of Great Gamewell Hall.</p>
+
+<p>One day (when Robin was about fourteen years old) his
+mother thus spoke to her spouse&mdash;"Dear husband, to-morrow
+is Christmas Day, therefore let Robin and I take a ride
+to Gamewell Hall this morning to see my brother and taste
+his good ale and pudding. The squire was overjoyed to see
+his sister, and young Robin learned the use of the bow, and
+became the best marksman in the place."</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin's Progress to Nottingham. Being an Account of his
+Adventures with the Fifteen Foresters.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Robin Hood was now about fifteen years old; in person
+tall and stout, and of a good countenance; in courage and
+strength few equalled him. One day he determined to take
+a journey to Nottingham, hearing that the king had appointed
+a shooting match in that town, to be disputed by
+the best archers. When he came thither he happened to
+fall into company with fifteen stout foresters, who sat drinking
+and laughing together. "What news, what news?"
+said bold Robin Hood, "that you drink and talk so merrily."
+The foresters who despised him on account of his youth,
+answered roughly, "We are come to win the king's prize,
+which we are resolved to carry off, in spite of all opposition,
+and will not be questioned by boys." "I have as good a
+bow as the best," said Robin Hood, "and will contest the
+prize with you." "We hold thee and thy bow in scorn,"
+said they; "shall a stripling like thee bear a bow before the
+king's archers, that is not able to draw the string?" "I'll
+lay a bet of twenty crowns," said Robin, "that I win the
+king's prize, and hit the mark at a hundred yards distance."</p>
+
+<p>
+"Doubt not I'll make the wager good,<br />
+Or ne'er believe bold Robin Hood."<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[271]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The mark was a running hart, let loose for the purpose;
+and when the other bowmen had tried their skill, Robin
+took his bow, and his well-made arrows, and taking good
+aim, fairly hit the mark, at a hundred yards distance, the
+multitude shouted, and hailed the young victor with joy.
+"The prize is mine," said Robin Hood, "I claim it; the
+wager, too, is mine, give it me." "The prize is none of
+thine," said the fifteen foresters, "and the wager shall be
+none of thine. Take up thy bow, insolent boy, and begone,
+or we will break thy bones." Robin Hood, full of rage,
+cried out, "You said I was no archer, but you have found me
+one, and you now deny me my reward."</p>
+
+<p>He then took up his bow and departed, but having learnt
+which way the foresters must take at their return home, he
+repaired to the place where he had left his merry men, and,
+consulting together, they resolved to lie in ambush in the
+road. After a while they saw the foresters approaching,
+shouting and singing, because they had brought off the
+king's prize; but when Robin Hood and his men presented
+themselves in battle array, their mirth was quickly changed
+into terror and amazement. At first they made a show of
+resistance, but finding the number of their adversaries to be
+more than treble their own, they threw down their arms and
+begged for mercy. "You said I was no archer," cried Robin
+Hood; "now say so again, and let him that chooses it fly
+for his life, and see if my arrows can overtake him." "We
+beg for mercy," cried the foresters; "lo! here is the prize
+that you won, and the wager of twenty crowns." "Well,"
+said Robin, "as you submit quietly, I will grant you your
+lives, but you shall not escape without some reward for your
+deeds." He and his men then stripped them of their clothes,
+leaving them no covering but their trousers, and having cut
+off their hair and their ears, daubed their faces with a mixture
+of yellow and red; afterwards they bound their hands,
+and tied a large pair of antlers on each of their heads, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[272]</a></span>
+in this most ridiculous state drove them back into the town,
+telling them if they offered to return they should not escape
+with their lives. As soon as they entered the streets the
+whole place was in an uproar, and, what with the barking
+of a hundred dogs, the squalling of women, and hooting of
+boys and men, there was such a hubbub as never before had
+been known in the town of Nottingham.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and Little John. Being an Account of their
+First Meeting, and how their Acquaintance
+and Friendship began, with their Merry Reception in
+Sherwood Bower.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>When bold Robin Hood was about twenty years old he
+happened to meet with a jolly stranger, whom he afterwards
+called Little John. This man, though called little, was a
+lusty young blade; his limbs were large, and his person
+seven feet high. Wherever he went people quaked at his
+name, and he made all his enemies to fly before him. 'Twas
+thus their acquaintance began:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Robin and his men had built, in Sherwood Forest, a strong
+and secret bower, so artfully contrived and hidden among
+the woods, that none but themselves could ever find them
+out, and to which they retreated in cases of need. Here
+Robin once continued fourteen days with his merry bowmen,
+and then he said to them&mdash;"Tarry a while in this
+grove, my brave men; we have had no sport for these many
+long days, therefore, I will wander abroad a short way to
+seek some amusement. But do you be attentive, and hear
+whenever I blow an alarm with my loud bugle horn, for by
+this means I will let you know if I want your assistance."</p>
+
+<p>After he had strayed some time near a brook, he espied a
+tall and lusty stranger coming towards him. They happened
+to meet on a long, narrow wooden bridge, and neither of
+them would give way to let the other pass. Robin Hood at
+length, being enraged, drew an arrow from his quiver, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[273]</a></span>
+threatened to shoot at the stranger's breast. "You dare
+not," said the other, "for if you offer to touch the string, I'll
+beat out your teeth and tumble you into the brook. You
+see I have nothing but a staff in my hand, and none but a
+coward would offer to fight with weapons so different."
+"The name of a coward," said Robin, "I scorn; I will
+therefore lay aside my bow and arrows and take a stout
+staff to prove thy manhood." The stranger accepted the
+challenge, and the sport was quickly begun. At first Robin
+gave the man such a stroke that it made his sides ring. The
+other said, "I must pay you for this, friend, and give you as
+good as you send, for as long as I am able to handle a staff
+I scorn to die in your debt." He then gave Robin so hearty
+a knock on the crown, that the blood ran trickling down to
+his ears. Robin now engaged more fiercely, and laid on his
+blows so thick and fast, that he made his adversary's coat
+smoke as if it had been on fire; but the stranger waxing
+most furious and strong, at length gave Robin such a terrible
+side-blow, that it quite beat him down and tumbled him
+into the brook. Then, in laughter, he called out to his
+fallen foe, "Prithee, where art thou now, my good fellow!"
+"Why, faith," said Robin, "I swim with the tide, as every
+man should do." He now swam along to the bank, and
+pulled himself out by a thorn, and then said to the conqueror,
+"Thou art a brave soul, I will contend no longer
+with thee."</p>
+
+<p>He then took up his horn and blew such a blast with it
+as made the hills echo all around. Presently they saw coming
+hastily down the hillside a band of brave archers,
+clothed in a livery of green. They quickly came up to
+Robin Hood, and Will Stuckley (their leader) cried out,
+"Pray, what is the matter, good master? why, you seem wet
+to the skin!" "No matter for that," said Robin, "the man
+that stands by has, in fighting, tumbled me into the brook."
+"If that be the case," said his men, "he shall not escape<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[274]</a></span>
+without a good ducking in the same stream." "Not so, my
+brave men," said Robin Hood, "he is a stout, hearty fellow,
+that fought me fairly. My friend," said he to the stranger,
+"pray be not afraid, for no harm shall befall thee; all these are
+my bowmen, that come at my call, and if thou wilt live with
+me, and be one of them, thou shalt quickly put on such a dress
+as theirs; we will teach thee the use of the bow to shoot the
+fat deer, for we live gloriously, without any restraint, and
+fear not the laws." "Then here is my hand," replied the
+stranger, "I'll serve thee with a willing mind, for I perceive
+you are all brave, hearty fellows. My name is John Little, I
+am a man of some skill, and at all times will play my part
+well."</p>
+
+<p>"His name shall be altered," said Will Stuckley, "I like
+not the sound of John Little, his name shall be called Little
+John."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and the Butchers, with his Comical Behaviour
+to the Sheriff of Nottingham.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>One day as Robin Hood was taking his walk through the
+forest, he happened to behold a jolly butcher, sitting between
+his hampers, on a stout young mare, going to sell his meat
+at market. "Good morrow, honest fellow," said Robin;
+"prithee, what food hast thou in thy hampers, and from
+whence comest thou? for I seem to have a liking to thy
+company." The butcher replied, "No matter from whence
+I come, master, nor where I dwell; you may see that I am
+a butcher, and am going to Nottingham to sell my meat."
+"Wilt thou sell thy meat to me?" said Robin; "tell me the
+price of it altogether; also, what thou wilt have for the
+mare that carries thee, and all thy other accoutrements; we
+will not differ about the cost, for I would fain be a butcher
+for once." "The price of my meat and the price of my
+mare," said the butcher, "shall be twenty good marks; and
+I think they are nothing too dear." Robin agreed, and set<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[275]</a></span>
+out to Nottingham to begin his butcher's trade; and when
+he came thither, took up his inn next door to the sheriff's
+house. When other butchers began to open their shops he
+opened his; but was at a loss how to sell his meat, being so
+young a butcher; however he was determined not to be
+undersold, and he found customers plenty. When the other
+butchers could not sell a joint Robin's trade went on briskly,
+and no butcher could match him; for he sold more meat for
+one penny than others could do for five. He sold his meat
+so fast that the butchers of Nottingham were at a stand to
+know who this bold fellow was. "Surely," said they, "he is
+some prodigal that has sold his father's land; and is thus
+sporting away his money." They then, stepped up to him
+to make acquaintance. "Come, brother," said they, "we
+are all of one trade, let us go and dine together; the sheriff
+has provided a treat for the butchers to-day; and you must
+go with us." "Agreed," said bold Robin, "may that butcher
+be hanged that can deny the request of his brethren."</p>
+
+<p>After dinner the sheriff said to Robin, "Hast thou any
+cattle or horned beasts to sell, my good fellow? if thou hast
+I would fain buy them of thee." "Yes, that I have, Master
+Sheriff," said Robin; "I have eight or ten score of horned
+beasts that I long to have sold, and they are fat and fair."
+The sheriff then saddled his dappled grey horse and set out
+with Robin Hood to behold his horned cattle, taking with
+him plenty of gold to complete his bargain. When they
+came to Sherwood Forest the sheriff began to be apprehensive
+of some danger, and trembled for fear, saying, "Heaven
+defend us from a wonderful bold man that is called Robin
+Hood, who plays a thousand wicked pranks in this country,
+and empties the pockets of every rich man he meets." They
+had not gone much farther before they beheld an hundred
+head of fat deer that came tripping along the road; and
+then Robin cried out, "Look here, Master Sheriff, behold my
+herd of horned beasts; how like you their colour and their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[276]</a></span>
+make? they seem fat and fair to the eye." "What dost
+thou mean, fellow?" said the sheriff; "I wish I was safe
+out of this forest, for I like not thy company." "Then will
+you not buy?" said Robin Hood; "however, since you came
+hither to buy my cattle, you must pay whether you take
+them or not." He then put his horn to his mouth and blew
+a loud blast with it. Quickly Little John and his company
+appeared, and said, "Pray, what is your pleasure, good
+master?" Said Robin, "I have brought the sheriff of Nottingham
+to eat with you to-day, and I hope you will make
+him right welcome." "He is welcome, kind master," said
+John; "but I hope he will honestly pay for cooking." Robin
+now bade the sheriff dismount, and, taking his mantle from
+his back, quickly told out his gold; then he took him to his
+bower and feasted him well; afterwards he set him again on
+his dapple grey horse and brought him back through the
+wood. "Commend me to your wife at home, my kind sir,"
+said Robin; so he turned and went laughing away.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and Allen Adale, with his Generous Behaviour
+to Two Distressed Lovers.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>As bold Robin Hood one day was standing in the forest
+just under the green oaken tree, he espied a gallant young
+man, clothed in scarlet and white, as gay as a lark, who
+came tripping along the road singing a roundelay. He
+seemed in great haste and quickly was out of sight. Next
+morning as Robin Hood stood in the same place he beheld
+the same young man coming over the plain, but his carriage
+was totally changed; he now passed slowly along and his
+head hung drooping upon his breast. Little John stepped
+towards him, to know who he was, but when the young man
+saw him coming he bent his bow and said, "Stand off, thou
+bold forester; what wouldest thou have with me?" "You
+must come before our master," he replied, "who is standing
+under the green oaken tree; come without delay and no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[277]</a></span>
+harm shall befall thee." And when he was come before
+Robin Hood, Robin said to him, "Hast thou any money to
+spare for my merry men and me? Come, answer without
+fear." "Indeed I have no money to spare," said the young
+man; "I have but five shillings and a little gold ring, and
+this ring I have kept for these seven long years to present
+to my bride on my wedding day. Yesterday I should have
+married the maid that I love, but she was chosen to be an
+old knight's wife, and taken from me by force; therefore my
+heart is nearly broken?"</p>
+
+<p>Robin Hood now set out, with fifty stout archers in his
+train, nor did they stop till they came near to the church
+where Allen should have been married. He then concealed
+his men while he went boldly into the church. "What dost
+thou here, bold man?" said the bishop. "I am a merry
+harper," said Robin, "as good as any in the north." "O,
+welcome then," said the bishop, "for that music is my delight."
+Presently there came in a wealthy old knight leading
+a young damsel by the hand, of a fair though sorrowful
+countenance, dressed in her glittering attire. "This is not
+a fit match," said bold Robin Hood, "the bridegroom is
+much too old and uncomely; but since I am here, and the
+bride is prepared, she shall now choose her own mate."</p>
+
+<p>Robin then applied the horn to his mouth, and blew twice
+and thrice with it, at the sound of which his fifty stout
+bowmen came leaping over the churchyard, and the first
+man was Allen Adale, who gave bold Robin his bow. "This
+is thy true lover," said Robin; "come, take her, and be
+married before we depart." "That never shall be," said the
+bishop; "thy speech is too bold, and the law of our country
+requires that they be three times asked in the church." Robin
+Hood then pulled off the bishop's rich apparel, and put it
+upon Little John, and made him appear like a priest. "By
+my faith," said Robin, laughing, "that clothing becomes thee
+well; thou now lookest like a man and a bishop; therefore<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[278]</a></span>
+begin thy office." When Little John went to the desk the
+people began to laugh and seemed to enjoy the joke; he
+asked them full seven times over to make the banns sure,
+lest three times should not be enough. "Who gives this fair
+maid to Allen Adale for a wife?" said Little John. "I give
+her to him with all my heart," said Robin Hood, "and he
+that dare to oppose, or take her away from her spouse, shall
+buy her dearly."</p>
+
+<p>Thus ended this merry wedding, and the new married
+pair returned with Robin Hood to Sherwood bower.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and his Kinsman. Showing how he met and
+fought with a Stranger, who afterwards proved to
+be his Cousin Scarlet.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>As Robin walked about the forest one day he met with a
+comely young man, dressed in a doublet of silk, with scarlet
+hose, travelling boldly along with a stout bow in his hand.
+A herd of fat deer happened to be feeding not far distant,
+which, when the stranger saw, he bent his bow, and shot the
+best of them through the heart. "Well shot, well shot,"
+said Robin Hood, "thy aim was good and sure; I like a bold
+archer well; and if thou wilt be one of my comrades, and
+live in my bower, I will treat thee with noble entertainment,
+and pay thee well besides." "Go, talk with thy grandame,"
+said the stranger, "and make no such wild offers to me, or
+else I shall use thee somewhat rudely." "Thou hadst better
+be quiet," said Robin, "for if thou shouldest offer to make an
+assault, thou wilt dearly repent of the deed; my arm is not
+weak, and thou mayest see that I carry a bow; besides,
+though I am now alone, should I blow an alarm with my
+loud bugle-horn, I should quickly have at my command a
+hundred brave men." "I defy all thy power," said the other,
+"and if thou offerest to touch thy horn, my good broad-sword
+shall cut it in two, and strike thee to the dust." Bold Robin<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[279]</a></span>
+Hood then bent his stout bow, and stood ready to shoot at
+his foe. The stranger also took his strong bow and as
+readily stood on his guard. "Prithee, let us hold our hands,"
+said Robin Hood, "for if we attempt to shoot, one of us
+must infallibly die; let us now lay aside our bows and try
+each other's skill with bucklers and good broadswords."
+These rivals in skill then fought stoutly and boldly, and
+many a hard blow resounded upon their bucklers. They
+aimed their strong blows above and below, from the head
+to the feet, but neither of them could make the other give
+way. Robin Hood at length gave the stranger such a mighty
+stroke that it made the fire fly from his eyes, and almost
+deprived him of his senses. "I hope to give thee a blow,"
+said the stranger, "that shall shame all the rest, and put an
+end to the fray." Then presently, taking good aim with his
+sword, he struck Robin upon the head with such force, that
+the blood soon appeared and ran trickling down his cheeks.
+"By my faith," said Robin Hood, "I must now beg for
+quarter; prithee, my brave fellow, tell me who thou art, and
+what is thy name, for I love and respect a brave man." The
+stranger answered, "I was born and bred in the town of
+Maxfield, and my name is Gamewell; I am forced to fly
+from home and to hide myself for having killed my father's
+steward, who had falsely accused me; and I came to this
+forest to seek a bold uncle of mine, who goes by the name
+of bold Robin Hood." "Art thou then a cousin of bold
+Robin Hood's?" answered he; "had I known it before, our
+fight would have been sooner done." "On my life," said the
+stranger, "I am his first kin, and son to his mother's second
+brother, who now lives at court with the king, and for gallant
+deeds he performed in Palestine he is soon to be made
+a noble peer." When Robin heard this he embraced him
+with great joy, and soon let him know that he himself was
+his uncle Robin Hood. They then set out for the green
+shady bower, and met Little John by the way.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[280]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and Bishop of Hereford. Robin Hood in
+Distress changes Clothes with an old Woman to Escape from
+the Bishop, whom he afterwards takes Prisoner, and
+obliges him to sing Mass.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Robin Hood and all his men were now outlawed, because
+they had broken the forest laws (which were very severe),
+and had killed the king's fat deer.</p>
+
+<p>As Robin walked out one fine summer's day, when the
+fields were pleasant and green, and the birds sang sweetly in
+the bushes, he was tempted to wander beyond the skirts of
+the forest, far away from his bower; and as he was thinking
+of going back he was espied by the proud bishop of Hereford,
+who was passing along with a great company. "Oh,
+what shall I now do?" said Robin to himself. "If the
+bishop should take me I shall be hanged without mercy."
+Then Robin turned nimbly about and ran with full speed to
+the house of an old woman whom he knew. "Good woman,"
+said Robin, "I pray you let me in, for yonder is the bishop
+and all his men, and if I am taken, I must die." "Why,
+who art thou," said the old woman, "that comest hither in
+such a fright?" "I am Robin Hood," he replied; "canst
+thou not recollect me?" "I think I now do," said the old
+woman, "and if thou art even Robin Hood, I will provide
+for thy safety and hide thee from the proud bishop and his
+company." "Then give me thy gown and thy female attire,"
+said Robin, "and put thee on my livery of green: give me
+also thy distaff and spindle, and take my arrows and bow."</p>
+
+<p>When Robin Hood was thus arrayed he went forth without
+fear, and returned to his men in the wood. When Little
+John saw him thus dressed, coming over the forest, he cried,
+"Behold, who is yonder, that seems approaching this way;
+the old woman looks like a witch, and I will send an arrow
+to meet her." "Hold thy hand, hold thy hand," said Robin
+Hood, "I am thy master in disguise, and this habit I was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[281]</a></span>
+forced to put on to escape from a strong enemy who had me
+in chase."</p>
+
+<p>Now, in the meantime, the bishop went to the old woman's
+house, and with a loud, furious voice, cried, "Bring that
+traitor, Robin Hood, that I may take him along with me
+and make him pay the forfeit of all his bad deeds." The
+old woman then came out dressed like Robin, and the bishop
+placed her upon a grey steed, while he rode along laughing
+for joy that he had seized upon bold Robin Hood. But as they
+were riding through the forest in which their road lay, the
+bishop espied a hundred tall men, stout and brave, coming
+out of the wood, with their arrows in their hands. "Oh,
+who are all these bowmen?" said the bishop, "and who is
+that man that leads them towards us so boldly?" "In good
+faith," said the old woman, "I think it is bold Robin Hood."
+"Then who art thou," said the bishop, trembling with fear.
+"I am only a poor old woman, proud bishop," said she:
+"hast thou any occasion for me now?" Robin Hood coming
+up, took the bishop by the hand, and placing him upon
+the stump of a tree made him tune his voice and sing a full
+mass to all the company; afterwards they brought him
+through the wood, and having set him upon his horse with
+his face towards the tail, they charged him for ever after to
+pray for Robin Hood, and putting the tail in his hand, bid
+him begone.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and the Three Yeomen. Robin delivers Three
+Yeomen from Nottingham Gallows, who were going
+to be Hanged for Killing the King's Deer.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>As Robin Hood wandered about the fields one day he met
+a fair lady who came weeping along the road in great distress.
+"Oh, why do you weep so pitifully," said Robin, "and
+what is the cause of your great distress?" "I weep," she
+replied, "for the sorrowful fate of three brothers, the bravest
+and dearest of men, who are all condemned to die." "What<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[282]</a></span>
+church have they robbed?" said Robin, "or what parish
+priest have they killed? or have they in treason been caught
+against the rightful king?" "Woe is me!" said the lady,
+"for my brothers must die, and only for killing the king's
+fallow deer." "They shall not die," said bold Robin Hood;
+"therefore go your way quickly home, and I will hasten to
+Nottingham for the sake of your three hapless brothers."</p>
+
+<p>Robin Hood then set out to Nottingham, and in his way
+met with a poor beggar man, who came walking slowly and
+mournfully along the highway. "What news, my old
+man?" said Robin, "what news dost thou bring from the
+town?" "Oh! there is weeping and wailing in Nottingham
+town," cried the old beggar man, "for the sake of three yeomen
+who are condemned to die, for they are greatly beloved."</p>
+
+<p>The beggar had a tattered old coat upon his back which
+was neither green, yellow, nor red, but some of every colour;
+and Robin Hood thought it would be no disgrace, for once,
+to be in the beggar's dress. "Come, pull off thy coat, my
+old beggar," said he, "and thou shalt put on mine, and
+thirty shillings beside I will give thee to buy bread and
+beer." When Robin was thus arrayed, away he went to the
+town, and when he came thither he soon found the sheriff
+and his men, and likewise the three sorrowful yeomen who
+were going to die. "One favour I humbly beg," said bold
+Robin Hood to the sheriff, "that I may be the hangman
+when the three yeomen are to die." "'Tis granted with free
+goodwill," said the sheriff; "therefore go and prepare thyself
+for thine office, for they have but few hours to live."</p>
+
+<p>Robin then returned to his brave band of archers, whom
+he brought and placed in ambush near the field where the
+gallows was fixed; afterwards going again to the sheriff, the
+three yeomen were led to the appointed spot. "Now, begin
+thine office, my jolly hangman," said the sheriff, "for these
+yeomen no longer must live; and thou shalt have all their
+good clothing, and all their money besides."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[283]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Then Robin mounted the gallows, with his horn in his
+hand, and he made it sound loud and shrill, when quickly
+came marching over the field a hundred and more of his
+faithful bowmen, all clothed in green. "Whose men are all
+these," said the sheriff, "that come marching so boldly this
+way?" "Oh, these are all Robin Hood's men," said he, "and
+they are come to fetch me, and likewise to take the three
+yeomen, who are going to die." "Oh, take them, pray take
+them, without more ado," said the sheriff; "for there is not
+a man in all Nottingham that can do the like of thee."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and the Tinker of Banbury.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>In summer time when the leaves were green and birds
+sang merrily upon every tree, Robin Hood set out to Nottingham
+in disguise, and as he went along the road he overtook
+a jolly tinker. Robin greeted him kindly, and after
+some discourse, said, "Tell me whence thou comest, my jolly
+fellow, and in what town thou wast bred, for I hear there
+is sad news in Nottingham, and when thou knowest it thou
+may not choose to go thither." "I come from Banbury,"
+said the other, "where I was born and bred, and am a tinker
+by trade; now tell me the news thou hast heard." "My
+news is only this," said Robin, "two tinkers were yesterday
+set in the stocks for drinking ale and strong beer." "If
+that be all," said the tinker, "I value not your news a farthing;
+for in drinking good ale and beer I am sure never to
+be outdone, and resolve to have my share; and if I may
+judge by your looks, you often take a good part." "Now,"
+said Robin Hood, "tell me what news has come to thy ears,
+for, as thou travellest from town to town, thou canst never be
+in want of good stories." "All the news that I lately have
+heard," said the tinker, "relates to a bold outlaw who is
+called Robin Hood; the king has given out warrants to apprehend
+him, and I have one in my pocket to take him,
+whenever I can find him; and if thou canst tell me where<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[284]</a></span>
+he is, and assist me to seize him, it will make us rich men,
+for a hundred pounds, or more, will be our reward." "Let
+me see the warrant," said Robin, "that I may know if it be
+good, and I will do the best that I can to assist thee in
+taking him this very night." "My warrant I shall not let
+thee see," said the tinker, "for I dare not trust it out of my
+hand."</p>
+
+<p>As soon as they came to Nottingham they went to a good
+inn, and calling for strong ale and wine, the tinker drank so
+much that he forgot what he had to do, so that at night
+Robin made haste away, taking the tinker's warrant, and
+left him in the lurch to pay all the reckoning. When the
+tinker awoke in the morning and found that his comrade
+was gone, he called for the host and said, "I had a warrant
+from the king that might have done me good, for it was to
+take a bold outlaw called Robin Hood; but now my warrant
+is stolen away from me, and I have not money enough to
+pay the score, for the man that came with me last night is
+fled away; therefore tell me what I have got to pay, and I
+will leave my tools with thee in pledge till I return."</p>
+
+<p>The tinker then went his way, and soon learnt in the town
+that the only way to find out bold Robin Hood was to seek
+him in the parks, killing the king's deer. Away then he
+went, and made no delay till he found Robin Hood chasing
+the deer through the woods. "What bold knave is that,"
+said Robin, "that comes so freely to hinder my sport." "No
+knave am I," cried the tinker, "and that you soon will know
+to your cost; which of us have done wrong my crab-tree
+shall decide." The tinker and Robin then fought manfully,
+and the fray lasted three hours, or more, but at length the
+tinker thrashed Robin's bones so sore, that he made him cry
+out for peace. "One favour I have to beg," said Robin
+Hood, "and I pray thee to grant it me." "The only favour I
+will grant," said the tinker, "is to hang thee on a tree."
+But while the tinker turned round, Robin blew his horn, at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[285]</a></span>
+the sound of which Little John and Will Scarlet quickly appeared,
+and said, "What is the matter, dear master, that
+you look so forlorn?" "Here is a tinker standing by," said
+Robin, "that has thrashed my bones sore." When they
+heard this they were going to seize him by the throat, but
+Robin said, "Let our quarrel now cease, that henceforth we
+may be friends with the tinker, and he with us; and if he
+will consent to be one of us, I will yearly give him fifty
+pounds, as long as he lives, which he may spend in the way
+which he likes best." So at last the tinker consented, and
+went along with them to their bower.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood's Death.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>And now I must bring my stories to a close, and the unhappy
+death of valiant Robin Hood.</p>
+
+<p>Robin fell ill, and because he required to be treated with
+skill, he went to Kirkley Abbey, where they sent for a
+monk to bleed him, and this monk being eager to get the
+reward that King Henry had set upon Robin Hood's head,
+most treacherously bled him to death.</p>
+
+<p>Thus he that never feared a sword or a bow, or any man
+that lived, was basely killed, in letting of blood, and died
+without a friend to close his eyes. As soon as his men heard
+of his death they were filled with grief and dismay, and fled
+away in haste. Some of them crossed the seas and went
+to Flanders, some to France, and some to Spain and Rome.</p>
+
+<p>
+Robin, Earl of Huntingdon,<br />
+Lies underneath this marble stone;<br />
+No archer ever was so good&mdash;<br />
+His name it was bold <span class="smcap">Robin Hood</span>.<br />
+Full thirty years, and something more,<br />
+These northern parts he vexed sore.<br />
+Such outlaws as he, in any reign,<br />
+May England never see again.<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[286]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>HISTORY OF</b></span></p>
+
+<h1>DR. FAUSTUS</h1>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>SHOWING</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="indent">His wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+what he pleased, also many strange things done by him
+with the assistance of</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MEPHISTOPHELES.</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="indent">With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces.</p>
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Dr. Faustus' birth and education, with an account of his
+falling from the Scriptures.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Dr. John Faustus was born in Germany. His father was
+a poor labouring man, not able to bring up his son John;
+but he had a brother in the same country, who was a very
+rich man, but had never a child, and took a great fancy to
+his cousin, and he resolved to make a scholar of him;
+and in order thereunto, put him to the Latin school, where
+he took his learning extraordinary well. Afterwards he put
+him to the University to study divinity; but Faustus could
+in no ways fancy that employment; wherefore he betook himself
+to the studying of that which his inclination is most for,
+viz., necromancy and conjuration, and in a little time few or
+none could outstrip him in the art. He also studied divinity,
+of which he was made Doctor; but within a short time fell
+into such deep fancies and cogitations that he resolved to
+throw the Scriptures from him, and betake himself wholly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[287]</a></span>
+to the studying of necromancy and conjuration, charms and
+soothsaying, witchcraft, and the like.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Dr. Faustus conjured up the Devil, making him appear
+at his own house.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Faustus, whose mind was to study conjuration, the which
+he followed night and day, he took the wings of an eagle,
+and endeavoured to fly over the world, to see and know all
+the secrets of heaven and earth; so that in a short time he
+attained power to command the Devil to appear before him
+when he pleased. One day as Dr. Faustus was walking in
+a wood near to Wurtemberg, in Germany, he having a friend
+with him who was desirous to know of the doctor's art, he
+desired him to let him see if he could then and there bring
+Mephistopheles before him; all which the doctor immediately
+did, and the devil upon the first call made such a
+noise in the wood as if heaven and earth would have come
+together; then the devil made such a roaring as if the wood
+had been full of wild beasts. The doctor made a circle for
+the devil, the which circle the devil ran round, making a
+noise as if ten thousand waggons had been running upon
+paved stones. After this it thundered and lightened, as if
+the whole world had been on fire. Faustus and his friend,
+amazed at this noise, and the devil's long tarrying, thought
+to leave his circle; whereupon he made him such music, the
+like was never heard in the world. This so ravished Faustus
+that he began again to conjure Mephistopheles in the name
+of the prince of the devils to appear in his own likeness;
+whereupon in an instant hung over his head a mighty
+dragon. Faustus calls again after his former manner, after
+which there was a cry in the wood as if hell had opened,
+and all the tormented souls had been there. Faustus, in the
+meanwhile, asked the devil many questions, and commanded
+him to show many diabolical tricks.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[288]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Mephistopheles came to Dr. Faustus' house, and what
+happened between them.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Faustus commanded the spirit to meet him at his house by
+ten of the clock the next day. At the hour appointed he
+came into his chamber asking Faustus what he would have.
+Faustus told him it was his will and pleasure to conjure
+him to be obedient to him in all points of those articles,
+viz.:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>First, That the spirit should serve him in all things he
+asked, from that time till his death.</p>
+
+<p>Secondly, Whatsoever he would have, he should bring
+him.</p>
+
+<p>Thirdly, Whatsoever he desired to know, he should tell
+him.</p>
+
+<p>The spirit answered him and said he had no such power
+of himself, until he had acquainted his prince that ruled
+over him. "For," said he, "we have rulers over us that
+send us out, and command us home when they please; and
+we can act no further than our power is, which we receive
+from Lucifer, who, you know, for his pride, was thrust out of
+heaven. But," saith the spirit, "I am not to tell you any
+more except you make yourself over to us."</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon Faustus said, "I will have my request? but
+yet I will not be damned with you." Then said the spirit,
+"You must not, nor shall not have your desire, and yet thou
+art mine, and all the world cannot save thee out of my
+hands." Then said Faustus, "Get thee hence, and I conjure
+thee that thou come to me at night." The spirit then
+vanished. Faustus then began to consider how he might
+obtain his desire, and not give his soul to the devil.</p>
+
+<p>And while Faustus was in these his devilish cogitations
+night drew on, and this hellish spirit appeared to Faustus,
+acquainting him that now he had got orders from his prince
+to be obedient to him, and to do for him whatsoever he de<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[289]</a></span>sired,
+provided he would promise to be his, and withal to
+acquaint him first what he would have of him? Faustus
+replied that his desire was to become a spirit, and that
+Mephistopheles should be always, at his command; that
+whatsoever he called for him, he shall appear invisible to all
+men, and that he should appear in what shape he pleased,
+to which the spirit answered that all his desires should be
+granted if he would sign those articles he should wish or ask
+for. Whereupon Dr. Faustus withdrew and stabbed his
+wrist, receiving the blood in a small saucer, which cooled so
+fast, as if it forewarned him of the hellish act he was going
+to commit; nevertheless he put it over embers to warm it,
+and wrote as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I, John Faustus, approved doctor of divinity, with my
+own hand do acknowledge and testify myself to become a
+servant to Lucifer, Prince of Septentrional and Oriental, and
+to him I freely and voluntarily give both soul; in consideration
+for the space of twenty-four years, if I be served in all
+things which I shall require, or which is reasonable by him
+to be allowed; at the expiration of which time from the
+date ensuing, I give to him all power to do with me at his
+pleasure; to rule to retch and carry me where he pleases
+body and soul. Hereupon I defy God and Christ, and the
+hosts of angels and good spirits, all living creatures that
+bear his shape, or on whom his image is imprinted; and to
+the better strengthening the validity of this covenant and
+firm agreement between us, I have writ it with my blood,
+and subscribe my name to it, calling all the powers and
+infernal potentates to witness it is my true intent and
+meaning."&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;JOHN FAUSTUS.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>What happened to Faustus after the signing of the articles.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>When Faustus had made an end of his writing he called
+Mephistopheles to him, and delivered him the bond; whereupon
+the spirit told, him if he did not repent of what he had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[290]</a></span>
+done, he should enjoy all the pleasure his thoughts could
+form, and that he would immediately divert him. He caused
+a kennel of hounds to run down a hart in the hall, and
+vanished; then a bull danced before Faustus, also there was
+a lion and a bear, which fell to fighting before Faustus, and
+the lion destroyed the bear; after that came a dragon and
+destroyed the lion. And this, with abundance of more
+pastime, did the spirit present to the doctor's view, concluding
+with all manner of music, with some hundreds of spirits,
+which came and danced before Faustus. After the music
+was over, and Faustus began to look about him, he saw ten
+sacks full of silver, which he went to dispose of, but could
+not, for none could handle it but himself, it was so hot. This
+pastime so pleased Faustus, that he gave Mephistopheles the
+will that he had made, and kept a copy of it in his own
+hands. The spirit and Faustus being agreed, they dwelt
+together, and the devil was in their house-keeping, for there
+was never anything given away to poor, which before
+Faustus made this contract was frequently done, but the
+case is now altered.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Faustus served the Duke of Bavaria.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Faustus having sold his soul to the devil, it was reported
+among his neighbours, so that none would keep him company
+but his spirit playing merry tricks for to please him.
+Not far from Faustus' house lived the Duke of Bavaria, the
+Duke of Saxony, and the Bishop of Salisburgh, whose houses
+and cellars Mephistopheles used to visit, and to bring the
+best of everything they had. One day the Duke of Bavaria
+invited most of the gentry of the country to dinner, for
+whose entertainment there was abundance of provision got
+ready. The gentry being come, and ready to sit down
+to dinner, in an instant Mephistopheles came and took
+all away with him, leaving them full of admiration. If any
+time Faustus had a mind for wild fowl, the spirit would call<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[291]</a></span>
+whole flocks in at a window; also the spirit did teach
+Faustus to do the like so that no lock nor key could keep
+them out. The devil also taught Faustus to fly in the air,
+and to act many things that are incredible and too large for
+this small book to contain.</p>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Dr. Faustus dreamed of Hell in his Sleep and what he
+saw there.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>After Faustus had a long conference with his spirit concerning
+the fall of Lucifer, and the state and condition of all
+the fallen angels, he, in a vision or dream, saw hell and all
+the devils and souls that were tormented there; he saw hell
+divided into several cells, or deep holes; and for every cell,
+or deep ward, there was a devil appointed to punish those
+that were under his custody. Having seen this sight, he
+much marvelled at it; and at that time Mephistopheles
+being with him, he asked him what sort of people they were
+that lay in the first dark pit; then Mephistopheles told him
+they were those who pretended themselves to be physicians,
+and who had poisoned many thousands to try practice; "and
+now," saith the spirit, "they have just the same administered
+to them which they gave to others, though not with the same
+effect, for they will never die here," saith he. Over their
+heads was a shelf laden with gallipots full of poison. Having
+passed them he came to a long entry exceeding dark where
+there was a mighty crowd. He asked him what those were?
+and the spirit told him they were pick-pockets, who loved
+to be in a crowd, when they were in the other world, and to
+content them they put them in a crowd there. Amongst
+them were some padders on the highway, and those of that
+function. Walking farther he saw many thousands of vintners,
+and some millions of tailors, in so much that they could
+not feel where to get stowage for them; a great number of
+pastry cooks with peels on their heads. Walking farther,
+the spirit opening a great cellar door, from which arose a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[292]</a></span>
+terrible noise, he asked what they were. The spirit told him
+they were witches, and those who had been pretended saints
+in the other world; but how they did squabble, fight, and
+tear one another! Not far from them lay the whoremongers
+and adulterers, who made such a hideous noise that he was
+very much startled. Walking down a few steps he espied
+an incredible number almost hid with smoke. He asked
+what they were? The spirit told him they were millers and
+bakers; but good lack, what a noise was there among
+them! The millers crying to the bakers, and the bakers
+crying to the millers for help, but all was in vain, for there
+was none to help them. Passing on still farther, he saw
+thousands of shopkeepers, some of whom he knew, who were
+tormented for defrauding and cheating their customers.
+Having taken this prospect of hell, the spirit Mephistopheles
+took him in his arms, and carried him home to his own
+house, when he awaking, he was amazed at what he saw in
+his dream. So being come to himself, he asked the spirit in
+what place hell was, and who made it? Mephistopheles
+answered, "Knowest thou, that before the fall of Lucifer,
+there was no hell, but upon his fall was hell ordained. As
+for the substance of hell, we devils do not know. It is the
+wrath of God that makes hell so furious, and what we procured
+by our fall; but where hell is, or how it is governed,
+and whatsoever thou desirest to know, when thou comest
+there thou shalt be satisfied as far as we know ourselves."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Containing some Tricks of Dr. Faustus.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Dr. Faustus having attained the desire of his spirit, had
+now full power to act or do anything whatever he pleased.
+Upon a time the Emperor had a desire to see him, and likewise
+some of the doctor's tricks; whereupon he was requested
+by the Emperor to do somewhat to make him merry; but
+the doctor in the meanwhile looking around him he at last
+espied a great lord looking out at a window, and the doctor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[293]</a></span>
+calling his spirit to help him, he in an instant fastened a
+large pair of horns upon the lord's head, that he could not
+get his head in till Faustus took off the horns again, which
+were soon taken off invisibly. The lord whom Faustus
+served so was extremely vexed, and resolved to be revenged
+on the doctor, and to that end lay a mile out of town for
+Faustus' passing by, he being that day to depart for the
+country. Faustus coming by a wood side, beheld that lord
+mounted upon a mighty warlike horse, who ran full drift
+against Faustus, who, by the assistance of his spirit, took
+him and all, and carried before the Emperor's palace, and
+grafted a pair of horns on his head as big as an ox's, which
+he could never be rid of, but wore them to his dying day.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Faustus ate a load of Hay.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Faustus upon a time having many doctors and masters of
+arts with him, went to walk in the fields, where they met
+with a load of hay. "How now, good fellow," saith Faustus,
+"what shall I give thee to fill my belly with hay?" The
+clown thought he had been a madman to talk of eating hay,
+told him he should fill his belly for one penny, to which the
+doctor agreed, and then fell to eating, and quickly devouring
+half of the load; at which the doctor's companions laughed,
+to see how simply the poor country fellow looked, and to
+hear how heartily he prayed the doctor to forbear. So
+Faustus pitying the poor man, went away, and before the
+man got near his house all the hay was in the cart that the
+doctor had eaten, which made the country fellow very much
+admire.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How he struck a parcel of Students, who were fighting
+together, blind; and how he served a parcel of Clowns
+who were singing and ranting at an inn.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Thirteen students meeting with seven more near Dr.
+Faustus' house, fell to, extremely, first in words and at last to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[294]</a></span>
+blows. The thirteen being too hard for the seven, and Dr.
+Faustus looking out at his window and seeing the fray, and
+how much they were overmatched, conjured them all blind,
+so that the one could not see the other, and in this manner
+they fought one another, which made all that saw them
+laugh. At length the people parted them, and led them to
+their chambers, they instantly received their sight. The
+doctor coming into an inn with some friends, was disturbed
+by the hallowing and bawling of a parcel of drunken clowns,
+whereupon, when their mouths were wide open, he so conjured
+them, that by no means they could shut them again:
+and after they had stared one upon another, without being
+able to speak, thinking they were bewitched, they dropped
+away in a confused fear, one by one, and never could be got
+to the house afterwards.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Faustus helped a Young Man to a Fair Lady.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>There was a gallant young gentleman who was in love with
+a fair lady, living at Wurtemberg, near the doctor's house.
+This gentleman had long sought this lady in marriage, but
+could not attain his desire, and having placed his affections
+so much upon her, he was ready to pine away, and had certainly
+died with grief, had he not made his address to the
+doctor, to whom he opened the whole matter. Now no
+sooner had the gentleman told his cause to the doctor, but
+he told him that he need not be afraid, for his desire should
+be fulfilled, and that he should have her whom he so much
+desired, and that this gentlewoman should have none but
+him, which was accordingly done, for the doctor so changed
+her mind that she could think of nothing else but him whom
+before she hated; and Faustus' desire was this: He gave
+him an enchanted ring which he ordered him to put into the
+lady's hand, or to slip it on her finger, which he did; and
+no sooner had she got the ring than her heart burned with
+love to him. She, instead of frowns, could do nothing but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[295]</a></span>
+smile upon him, and not be at rest till she asked him if he
+thought he could love her, and make her his wife? He
+gladly answered with all his heart. So they were married
+the next day, and all by the help of Dr. Faustus.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Faustus made Seven Women dance naked in the
+Market-place.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Faustus walking in the market-place, saw seven women
+sitting all in a row, selling eggs, butter, etc. Of every one
+he bought something and departed. No sooner was he gone
+but all the eggs and butter were gone out of their baskets,
+and they knew not how. At last they were told that Dr.
+Faustus had conjured their goods away. They thereupon
+ran speedily to the doctor's house, and so demanded satisfaction
+for the ware. He resolving to make himself and the
+town's people merry by his conjuring art, made them return
+to their baskets naked as ever they were born; and having
+danced a while in the market-place every one's goods were
+conjured into their baskets again, and they set at liberty.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Faustus served a Country Fellow who was driving
+Swine.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Dr. Faustus, as he was going to Wurtemberg, overtook a
+country fellow driving a hundred swine, who were very
+headstrong, some running one way and some another; so
+that the driver could not tell how to get them drove along.
+The doctor taking notice of it, so by his conjuring art he
+made every one of them dance upon their two hind legs,
+with a fiddle in one of their fore feet, and with the other fore
+foot they played upon the fiddle, and so they danced and
+fiddled all the way until they came into Wurtemberg
+market, the driver of them dancing all the way before them,
+which made the people wonder. After the doctor had satisfied
+himself with the spirit he conjured all of the fiddles
+away, and the driver then offered them for sale, and quickly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[296]</a></span>
+sold them all, and took the money; but before he was gone
+out of the house Faustus had conjured all the hogs out of the
+market-place, and sent them all home to the driver's house.
+The man who bought them, seeing all the swine gone, stopped
+the man who sold them and would have his money, which
+he was forced to pay, and so returned home sorrowful, and
+not knowing what to do; but, to his great surprise, found
+all the swine in their sties.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Faustus begun to bethink himself of the near
+approach of his End.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Faustus having spun out his twenty-four years, within a
+month or two, began to consider what he should do to cheat
+the devil, but could not find any way to prevent his miserable
+end, which was now near, whereupon he thus cries out
+to himself, "Oh! miserable wretch that I am, I have given
+myself to the devil for a few years' pleasure, and now I must
+pay full dear. I have had my desires; my filthy lusts I
+have satisfied, and I must be tormented for ever and ever."</p>
+
+<p>A neighbour of his, a very good old man, hearing of his
+way of living, in compassion to his soul came to him, and
+with tears in his eyes besought him to have more regard to
+his most precious soul, laying before him the promise of
+God's grace and mercy, freely offered to repenting sinners,
+and spake so feelingly that Faustus shed tears, and promised
+to him that he would try to repent. This good man
+was no sooner gone away than Mephistopheles found him
+pensive and on his bed. Now Mephistopheles mustering
+what had happened, began to reproach him with breach of
+covenant to his lord Lucifer, and thereupon almost twisted
+his neck behind him, which made him cry out very lamentable;
+in the meantime threatening to tear him to pieces
+unless he renewed his obligation, which for fear, with much
+sorrow he did, in a manner the same as the former, which
+he confirmed by the latter.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[297]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIV.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Dr. Faustus was warned of the Spirit to prepare for
+his End.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Faustus' full time being come, the spirit appeared to him,
+and showed him his writing, and told him that the next
+night the devil would fetch him away, which made the
+doctor's heart to ache. But to divert himself, he sent for
+some doctors and master bachelors of arts, and other students
+to take dinner with him, for whom he provided great store
+of varieties, with music and the like. But all would not
+keep up his spirits, for the hour drew near; whereupon his
+countenance changing, the doctors and masters of arts inquired
+of him the reasons of his melancholiness? to which
+Faustus answered, "My friends, you have known me these
+many years, and how I have practised all manner of wickedness.
+I have been a great conjurer, which devilish art I obtained
+of the devil; and also to obtain power to do whatever
+I pleased I sold myself to the devil for twenty-four
+years' time, which full time being out this night, makes me
+full of horror. I have called you, my friends, to see this my
+dreadful end; and I pray let my miserable death be a warning
+to you all how you study the devilish art of conjuring;
+for if once you begin it, a thousand to one but it will lead
+you to the devil, whither I am this night to go, whether I
+will or not." They hearing of this sad story blamed him
+for concealing it so long, telling him if he had made them
+acquainted before that they thought it might have been prevented.
+He told them he had a desire several times to have
+disclosed this intrigue; but the devil told him that if he did
+he would presently fetch him away. He also told them he
+had a desire to join with the godly, and to leave off that
+wicked course; but immediately the devil used to come and
+torment him, etc. "But now," saith Faustus, "it is but in
+vain for me to talk of what I did intend, for I have sold
+myself to the devil; body and soul is his." No sooner had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[298]</a></span>
+he spoken these words, but suddenly it fell a thundering
+and lightning, the like was never heard; whereupon Faustus
+went into the great hall, the doctors and masters staying in
+the next room intending to hear his end. About twelve
+o'clock the house shook so terribly that they thought it
+would have been down upon them, and suddenly the house
+windows were broken to pieces, so that they trembled and
+wished themselves elsewhere, whereupon a great clap of
+thunder, with a whirlwind the doors flew open, and a
+mighty rushing of wind entered with the hissing of serpents,
+shrieks and cries, upon which he lamentably cried out
+"Murder," and there was such roaring in the hall as if all
+the devils in hell had been there. When daylight appeared
+they took the boldness to enter into the room, and found his
+brains beaten out against the wall and the floor sprinkled
+with blood; but missing his body, they went in search of it,
+and found it on the dunghill mangled and mashed to pieces.
+So ended this miserable wretch's life, forsaking God and all
+goodness, and given up to his implacable enemy, which we
+hope may stand not only as a fearful, but lasting monument
+and warning to others.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[299]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<div class="center"><b>THE WHOLE</b></div>
+
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>LIFE AND DEATH</b></span></div>
+
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></div>
+
+<h1>LONG MEG</h1>
+
+<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></div>
+
+<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>WESTMINSTER.</b></span></div>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Where Meg was Born, her coming up to London, and
+her Usage to the Honest Carrier.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>In the reign of Henry VIII. was born in Lancashire a maid
+called Long Meg. At eighteen years old she came to London
+to get her a service&mdash;Father Willis, the carrier, being the
+waggoner&mdash;and her neighbour brought her up with some
+other lasses. After a tedious journey, being in sight of the
+desired city, she demanded why they looked sad. "We
+have no money," said one, "to pay our fare." So Meg
+replies, "If that be all, I shall answer your demands," and
+this put them in some comfort. But as soon as they came to
+St. John's Street, Willis demanded their money. "Say what
+you will have," quoth she. "Ten shillings a piece," said he.
+"But we have not so much about us," said she. "Nay,
+then, I will have it out of your bones." "Marry, content,"
+replied Meg, and, taking a staff in her hand, so belaboured
+him and his man that he desired her for God's sake to hold
+her hand. "Not I," said she, "unless you bestow an angel
+on us for good luck, and swear e'er we depart to get us good
+addresses."</p>
+
+<p>The carrier, having felt the strength of her arm, thought it
+best to give her the money and promised not to go till he had
+got them good places.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[300]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Of her being placed in Westminster, and what she did at
+her Place.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>The carrier, having set up his horses, went with the lasses to
+the Eagle in Westminster, and told the landlady he had
+brought her three fine Lancashire lasses; and seeing she
+often asked him to get her a maid, she might now take her
+choice. "Marry," said she, "I want one at present, and here
+are three gentlemen who shall give their opinions." As soon
+as Meg came in they blessed themselves, crying,</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Domine, Domine, viee Originem."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>So her mistress demanded what was her name. "Margaret,
+forsooth," said she briskly. "And what work can you do?"
+She answered she had not been bred unto her needle, but to
+hard labour, as washing, brewing, and baking, and could
+make a house clean. "Thou art," quoth the hostess, "a
+lusty wench, and I like thee well, for I have often persons
+that will not pay." "Mistress," said she, "if any such come
+let me know, and I'll make them pay I'll engage." "Nay,
+this is true," said the carrier, "for my carcase felt it;" and
+then he told them how she served him. On this Sir John
+de Castile, in a bravado, would needs make an experiment
+of her vast strength; and asked her "if she durst exchange
+a box o' the ear with him." "Yes," quoth she, "if my mistress
+will give me leave." This granted, she stood to receive
+Sir John's blow, who gave her a box with all his might, but
+it stirred her not at all; but Meg gave him such a memorandum
+on his ear that Sir John fell down at her feet. "By my
+faith," said another, "she strikes a blow like an ox, for she
+hath knocked down an ass." So Meg was taken into service.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>The method Meg took to make one of the Vicars pay his
+Score.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Meg so bestirred herself that she pleased her mistress, and
+for her tallness was called Long Meg of Westminster.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[301]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>One of the lubbers of the Abbey had a mind to try her
+strength, so, coming with six of his associates one frosty
+morning, calls for a pot of ale, which, being drank, he asked
+what he owed. To which Meg answers, "Five shillings and
+threepence."</p>
+
+<p>"O thou foul scullion, I owe thee but three shillings and
+one penny, and no more will I pay thee." And, turning to
+his landlady, complained how Meg had charged him too
+much. "The foul ill take me," quoth Meg, "if I misreckon
+him one penny, and therefore, vicar, before thou goest out
+of these doors I shall make thee pay every penny;" and
+then she immediately lent him such a box on the ears as
+made him reel again. The vicar then steps up to her, and
+together both of them went by the ears. The vicar's head
+was broke, and Meg's clothes torn off her back. So the
+vicar laid hold of her hair, but, he being shaved, she could
+not have that advantage; so, laying hold of his ears and
+keeping his pate to the post, asked him how much he owed
+her. "As much as you please," said he. "So you knave,"
+quoth she, "I must knock out of your bald pate my reckoning."
+And with that she began to beat a plain song between
+the post and his pate. But when he felt such pain he roared
+out he would pay the whole. But she would not let him
+go until he laid it down, which he did, being jeered by his
+friends.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Of her fighting and conquering Sir James of Castile, a
+Spanish Knight.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>All this time Sir James continued his suit to Meg's mistress,
+but to no purpose. So, coming in one day and seeing her
+melancholy, asked what ailed her, for if anyone has wronged
+you I will requite you. "Marry," quoth she, "a base knave
+in a white satin doublet has abused me, and if you revenge
+my quarrel I shall think you love me." "Where is he?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[302]</a></span>
+quoth Sir James. "Marry," said she, "he said he would be
+in St. George's Fields." "Well," quoth he, "do you and the
+doctor go along with me, and you shall see how I'll pummel
+the knave."</p>
+
+<p>Unto this they agreed, and sent Meg into St. George's
+Fields beforehand. "Yonder," said she, "walks the fellow
+by the windmill." "Follow me, hostess," said Sir James;
+"I will go to him." But Meg passed as if she would have
+gone by. "Nay, stay," said Sir James; "you and I part not
+so. I am this gentlewoman's champion, and fairly for her
+sake will have you by the ears." With that Meg drew her
+sword, and to it they went.</p>
+
+<p>At the first blow she hit him on the head, and often
+endangered him. At last she struck his weapon out of his
+hands, and, stepping up to him, swore all the world should
+not save him. "O save me, sir," said he; "I am a knight,
+and it is but a woman's matter; do not spill my blood."
+"Wert thou twenty knights," said Meg, "and was the king
+here himself, I would not spare thy life unless you grant me
+one thing." "Let it be what it will, you shall be obeyed."
+"Marry," said she, "that this night you wait on my
+plate at this woman's house and confess me to be your
+master."</p>
+
+<p>This being yielded to and a supper provided, Thomas
+Usher and others were invited to make up the feast, and unto
+whom Sir James told what had happened. "Pho!" said
+Usher jeeringly, "it is no such great dishonour for to be
+foiled by an English gentleman since Cæsar the Great was
+himself driven back by their extraordinary courage." At
+this juncture Meg came in, having got on her man's attire.
+"Then," said Sir James, "this is that valiant gentleman
+whose courage I shall ever esteem." Hereupon, she pulling
+off her hat, her hair fell about her ears, and she said "I am
+no other than Long Meg of Westminster, and so you are
+heartily welcome."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[303]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At this they all fell a-laughing. Nevertheless, at supper
+time, according to agreement, Sir James was a proper page;
+and she, having leave of her mistress, sat in state like her
+majesty. Thus Sir James was disgraced for his love, and
+Meg was counted a proper woman.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Her Usage to the Bailiff of Westminster, who came into
+her Mistress's and arrested her Friend.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>A bailiff, having for the purpose took forty shillings,
+arrested a gentleman in Meg's mistress's house, and desired
+the company to keep peace. She, coming in, asked what
+was the matter. "O," said he, "I'm arrested." "Arrested!
+and in our house? Why this unkind act to arrest one in
+our house; but, however, take an angel and let him go."
+"No," said the bailiff, "I cannot, for the creditor is at the
+door." "Bid him come in," said she, "and I'll make up the
+matter." So the creditor came in; but, being found obstinate,
+she rapped him on the head with a quart pot and bid
+him go out of doors like a knave. "He can but go to
+prison," quoth she, "where he shall not stay long if all the
+friends I have can fetch him out."</p>
+
+<p>The creditor went away with a good knock, and the bailiff
+was going with his prisoner. "Nay," said she, "I'll bring a
+fresh pot to drink with him." She came into the parlour
+with a rope, and, knitting her brows, "Sir Knave," said she,
+"I'll learn thee to arrest a man in our house. I'll make thee
+a spectacle for all catchpoles;" and, tossing the rope round
+his middle, said to the gentleman, "Sir, away, shift for yourself;
+I'll pay the bailiff his fees before he and I part."
+Then she dragged the bailiff unto the back side of the house,
+making him go up to his chin in a pond, and then paid him
+his fees with a cudgel, after which he went away with the
+amends in his hands, for she was so well beloved that no
+person would meddle with her.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[304]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Of her meeting with a Nobleman, and her Usage to
+him and to the Watch.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Now it happened she once put on a suit of man's apparel.
+The same night it fell out that a young nobleman, being disposed
+for mirth, would go abroad to see the fashions, and,
+coming down the Strand, espies her; and, seeing such a tall
+fellow, asked him whither he was going. "Marry," said
+she, "to St. Nicholas's to buy a calve's head." "How much
+money hast thou?" "In faith," said she, "little enough;
+will you lend me any?" "Aye," said he; and, putting his
+thumb into her mouth, said, "There's a tester." She gave
+him a good box on the ear, and said, "There's a groat; now
+I owe you twopence." Whereupon the nobleman drew, and
+his man too; and she was as active as they, so together
+they go. But she drove them before her into a little
+chandler's shop, insomuch that the constable came in to part
+the fray, and, having asked what they were, the nobleman
+told his name, at which they all pulled off their caps.
+"And what is your name?" said the constable. "Mine,"
+said she, "is Cuthbert Curry Knave." Upon this the constable
+commanded some to lay hold on her and carry her to
+the compter. She out with her sword and set upon the
+watch, and behaved very resolutely; but the constable calling
+for clubs, Meg was forced to cry out, "Masters, hold
+your hands, I am your friend; hurt not Long Meg of Westminster."
+So they all stayed their hands, and the nobleman
+took them all to the tavern; and thus ended the fray.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Meg goes a shroving, fights the Thieves of St. James's
+Corner, and makes them restore Father Willis,
+the Carrier, his hundred marks.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Not only the cities of London and Westminster, but Lancashire
+also, rung of Meg's fame, so they desired old Willis, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[305]</a></span>
+carrier, to call upon her, which he did, taking with him the
+other lasses. Meg was joyful to see them, and it being
+Shrove Tuesday, Meg went with them to Knightsbridge, and
+spent most of the day with repeating tales of their friends
+in Lancashire; and so tarried the carrier, who again and
+again inquired how all did there, and made the time seem
+shorter than it was. The night growing on, the carrier and
+the two other lasses were importunate to be gone, but Meg
+was loath to set out, and so stayed behind to discharge the
+reckoning, and promised to overtake them.</p>
+
+<p>It was their misfortune at St. James's Corner to meet
+with two thieves who were waiting there for them, and took
+a hundred marks from Willis, the carrier, and from the
+two wenches their gowns and purses. Meg came up immediately
+after, and then the thieves, seeing her also in a female
+habit, thought to take her purse also; but she behaved herself
+so well that they began to give ground. Then said
+Meg, "Our gowns and purses against your hundred marks;
+win all and wear all." "Content," quoth they. "Now,
+lasses, pray for me," said Meg. With that she buckled with
+these two knaves, beat one and so hurt the other that they
+entreated her to spare their lives. "I will," said she, "upon
+conditions." "Upon any condition," said they. "Then,"
+said she, "it shall be thus&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+1. That you never hurt a woman nor any company she<br />
+is in.<br />
+2. That you never hurt lame or impotent men.<br />
+3. That you never hurt any children or innocents.<br />
+4. That you rob no carrier of his money.<br />
+5. That you rob no manner of poor or distressed.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"Are you content with these conditions?" "We are," said
+they. "I have no book about me," said she, "but will you
+swear on my smock tail?" which they accordingly did, and
+then she returned the wenches their gowns and purses, and
+old Father Willis, the carrier, a hundred marks.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[306]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The men desiring to know who it was had so lustily
+beswinged them, said&mdash;"To alleviate our sorrow, pray tell
+us your name." She smiling replied&mdash;"If anyone asks you
+who banged your bones, say Long Meg of Westminster once
+met with you."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Meg's Fellow Servant pressed; her Usage of the Constable;
+and of her taking Press Money to go to Boulogne.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>In those days were wars between England and France, and
+a hot press about London. The constables of Westminster
+pressed Meg's fellow servant, and she told them if they took
+him her mistress was undone.</p>
+
+<p>All this could not persuade the constable, but Harry must
+go, on which she lent the constable a knock. Notice being
+given to the captain, he asked who struck him. "Marry,"
+quoth Meg, "I did, and if I did not love soldiers I'd serve
+you so too." So, taking a cavalier from a man's hand, she
+performed the exercise with such dexterity that they
+wondered, whereupon she said&mdash;"Press no man, but give
+me press money and I will go myself." At this they all
+laughed, and the captain gave her an angel, whereupon she
+went with him to Boulogne.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Of her Beating the Frenchman off the Walls of Boulogne, for
+which gallant behaviour she is rewarded by the King
+with Eightpence per Day for Life.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>King Henry, passing the seas, took Boulogne. Hereupon
+the Dauphin with a great number of men surprised and retook
+it. Meg, being a laundress in the town, raised the best
+of the women; and, with a halberd in her hand, came to the
+walls, on which some of the French had entered, and threw
+scalding water and stones at them that she often obliged
+them to quit the town before the soldiers were up in arms.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[307]</a></span>
+And at the sally she came out the foremost with her halberd
+in her hand to pursue the chase.</p>
+
+<p>The report of this deed being come to the ears of the king,
+he allowed her for life eightpence a day.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2>
+
+<p><i>Of her fighting and beating a Frenchman before Boulogne.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>During this she observed one who in a bravado tossed his
+pike. She, seeing his pride, desired a drum to signify that
+a young soldier would have a push at pike with him. It
+was agreed on, and the place appointed life against life.</p>
+
+<p>On the day the Frenchman came, and Meg met him, and
+without any salute fell to blows; and, after a long combat,
+she overcame him, and cut off his head. Then, pulling off
+her hat, her hair fell about her ears.</p>
+
+<p>By this the Frenchman knew it was a woman, and the
+English giving a shout, she, by a drummer, sent the Dauphin
+his soldier's head, and said, "An English woman sent it."</p>
+
+<p>The Dauphin much commended her, sending her a
+hundred crowns for her valour.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Of her coming to England and being Married.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>The wars in France being over, Meg came to Westminster
+and married a soldier, who, hearing of her exploits, took her
+into a room, and, making her strip to her petticoat, took one
+staff and gave her another, saying, "As he had heard of her
+manhood, he was determined to try her." But Meg held
+down her head, whereupon he gave her three or four blows,
+and she in submission fell down upon her knees desiring him
+to pardon her. "For," said she, "whatever I do to others,
+it behoves me to be obedient to you; and it shall never be
+said, if I cudgel a knave that injures me, Long Meg is her
+husband's master; and therefore use me as you please." So
+they grew friends, and never quarrelled after.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[308]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Long Meg's Usage to an angry Miller.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Meg going one day with her neighbours to make merry, a
+miller near Epping looking out, the boy they had with them,
+about fourteen years old, said&mdash;"Put out, miller, put out."
+"What must I put out?" said he. "A thief's head and
+ears," said the other.</p>
+
+<p>At this the miller came down and well licked him, which
+Meg endeavoured to prevent, whereupon he beat her. But
+she wrung the stick from him, and then cudgelled him
+severely; and having done, sent the boy to the mill for an
+empty sack, and put the miller in all but his head; and
+then, fastening him to a rope, she hauled him up half way,
+and there left him hanging. The poor miller cried out for
+help, and if his wife had not come he had surely been killed,
+and the mill, for want of corn, set on fire.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Of her keeping House at Islington, and her Laws.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>After marriage she kept a house at Islington. The constable
+coming one night, he would needs search Meg's house,
+whereupon she came down in her shift with a cudgel, and
+said&mdash;"Mr. Constable, take care you go not beyond your
+commission, for if you do I'll so cudgel you as you never was
+since Islington has been." The constable, seeing her frown,
+told her he would take her word, and so departed.</p>
+
+<p>Meg, because in her house there should be a good decorum,
+hung up a table containing these principles:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>First. If a gentleman or yeoman had a charge about him,
+and told her of it, she would repay him if he lost it; but if
+he did not reveal it, and said he was robbed, he should have
+ten bastinadoes, and afterwards be turned out of doors.</p>
+
+<p>Secondly. Whoever called for meat and had no money to
+pay should have a box on the ear and a cross on the back
+that he might be marked and trusted no more.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[309]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Thirdly. If any good fellow came in and said he wanted
+money, he should have his belly full of meat and two pots of
+drink.</p>
+
+<p>Fourthly. If any raffler came in and made a quarrel, and
+would not pay his reckoning, to turn into the fields and take
+a bout or two with Meg, the maids of the house should dry
+beat him, and so thrust him out of doors.</p>
+
+<p>These and many such principles she established in her
+house, which kept it still and quiet.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>FAMOUS HISTORY</b></span></p>
+<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF THE LEARNED</b></span></p>
+<h1>FRIAR BACON</h1>
+<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>GIVING</b></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">A Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage,
+with the many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime,
+to the amazement of all the World.</p>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Friar Bacon's Birth and Parentage, and by what means
+he came to be so great a Scholar. How the King sent
+for him from Oxford, and in what wonderful manner he
+pleased the King's Five Senses; also the Comical
+Pranks he played with a Courtier sent to fetch him.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>The famous Friar Bacon, whose name has spread through
+the world, was born in Lancashire; his father's name was
+Ralph Bacon, and his name Roger. From his infancy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[310]</a></span>
+he was observed to have a profound, pregnant wit; as he
+grew up, a great reader of books and desirous of learning,
+which to admiration he took so fast that his schoolmaster
+could teach him no further, and being about to send him
+home, with commendations, to his father, he, fearing the
+worst, humbly besought him to prevail, if possible, with his
+father that he might be sent to the University, where
+he had a desire to go and learn the liberal sciences.</p>
+
+<p>His schoolmaster denied him not his request, but went
+home with him, and, taking the old man aside, told him he
+had learned his son as far as he was able, that he took it in
+extremely well, and was willing to improve it at the
+University, and that he was verily persuaded, by the
+promptness he perceived in him, if he would be at a little
+charge with him there, he would be so great a proficient as
+would advance him to an eminent station.</p>
+
+<p>The old man heard this with some indignation, but concealed
+his anger till the schoolmaster was gone, and then,
+taking his son to task, said, "How now, sirrah! have not I
+been at cost enough already, but are you itching to put me
+to more? Methinks I have given you such learning as to
+enable you, in time, to be a constable or churchwarden of
+the parish, and far outdo those in the office that can neither
+read nor write; let that suffice. As for the rest of your
+business for the future, it is to learn horse language and
+whistle well, that you may be dexterous at driving the
+plough and cart and managing the sheep and oxen; for,
+sirrah," continued he, "have I anybody else to leave my
+farm to but you, and yet you take upon you, forsooth, to be
+a scholard, and consequently a gentleman; for they all
+profess themselves so, though never so beggarly, living
+lazily, and eating up the fat of other men's labours, marry
+gaup! Goodman Twoshoes, your great-grandfather, your
+grandfather, and I, have thought it no scorn to dig and
+delve; and pray what better are you than us? Here,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[311]</a></span>
+sirrah, take this whip and go with me to plough, or I'll so
+lace your fine scholarship that you had better this had
+never been mentioned to me."</p>
+
+<p>Young Bacon was much displeased and highly grieved,
+but durst not reply, knowing his father to be a very hasty,
+choleric old man; however, this sort of living so little
+agreed with his sprightly genius that in a short time he
+gave him the slip, and going to a monastery, making his
+desires known to the superior, he kindly entertained him,
+and made him a brother of the Augustin Friars. There he
+profited so much that in a few years he was sent to Oxford
+to study at their charge, where he soon grew such a proficient
+that his fame soon spread, not only in the University,
+but also over all England, and came to the ears of King
+Edward the Third, who then reigned; and he, taking a
+progress with his queen and nobles, was desirous to see
+him, and have an experiment of his art; so that, being at a
+nobleman's house within four miles of the city of Oxford,
+he sent a gentleman of his bedchamber to desire him to
+come to him. The knight delayed not the message, and,
+finding him at his study, did his errand. The friar told
+him he would be with his majesty, and bid him make haste
+or he should be there before him. At this he smiled, being
+well mounted, saying scholars and travellers might lie by
+authority. "Well," said Friar Bacon, "to convince you, I
+will not only be there before you, ride as fast as you can,
+but I will there show you the cook-maid you lay with last,
+though she is now busy dressing the dinner at Sir William
+Belton's, a hundred miles distance from this place."
+"Well," said the gentleman of the bedchamber, "I doubt
+not but one will be as true as the other;" so, mounting,
+rode laughing away, and thinking to be at the king's
+quarters in a short space, he spurred his horse valiantly;
+but suddenly a mist arose, that he knew not which way to
+go, and, missing the way, he turned down a bye-lane and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[312]</a></span>
+rode over hedge and ditch, backwards and forwards, till the
+charm was dissolved.</p>
+
+<p>When the friar came into the king's presence he did him
+obeisance, and was kindly welcomed by him. Then said
+the king, "Worthy Bacon, having heard much of your
+fame, the cause of my sending for you was to be a spectator
+of some fine curiosities in your art." The friar excused
+at first; but the king pressing it, promised on his royal
+word no harm should come to him, he bid all keep silence,
+and, waving his magic wand, there presently to their great
+amazement, ensued the most melodious music they had ever
+heard, which continued very ravishing for nearly half
+an hour. Then, waving his wand, another kind of music
+was heard, and presently dancers in antic shapes at a
+masquerade entered the room, and having danced incomparably
+well, they vanished. Waving his wand the third
+time, louder music was heard, and whilst that played, a
+table was placed by an invisible hand, richly spread with
+all the dainties that could be thought of. Then he desired
+the king and queen to draw their seats near, and partake of
+the repast he had prepared for their highnesses: which,
+after they had done, all vanished. He waved the fourth
+time, and thereupon the place was perfumed with all the
+sweets of Arabia, or that the whole world could produce.
+Then waving the fifth time, there came in Russians,
+Persians, and Polanders, dressed in the finest soft fur, silks,
+and downs of rare fowls, that are to be found in the
+universe, which he bid them feel, and then the strangers,
+having danced after their own country fashion, vanished.</p>
+
+<p>In this sort Friar Bacon pleased their five senses, to their
+admiration and high satisfaction; so that the king offered
+him money, but he refused it, saying he could not take it.
+However, the king pressed on him a jewel of great value,
+commanding him to wear it as a mark of his favour.
+Whilst this was doing, the gentleman of the bedchamber<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[313]</a></span>
+came in, puffing and blowing, all bemired and dirty, and
+his face and hands scratched with the bushes and briars.
+The king, at this sight, demanded why he stayed so long,
+and how he came in that condition? "Oh, plague," said
+he, "take Friar Bacon and all his devils! they have led me
+a fine dance, to the endangering of my neck. But is the
+dog here? I'll be revenged on him!" Then he laid his
+hand on his sword, but Bacon, waving his wand, charmed
+it in his scabbard, so he could not draw it out, saying, "I
+fear not your anger; 'tis best for you to be quiet, lest a
+worse thing befall you." Then he told the king how he
+gave him the lie, when he told him he would be there
+before him.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst he was thus speaking, in came the cook-maid,
+brought by a spirit, at the window, with a spit and a
+roasted shoulder of mutton on it, being thus surprised
+as she was taking it from the fire; and wishfully staring
+about her, and espying the gentleman, she cried, "O my
+sweet knight, are you here? Pray, sir, remember you promised
+to provide linen and other necessaries for me. Our secret
+sins have grown, and I've two months to reckon," and
+hereupon she ran towards him to embrace him; but he
+turning aside, she was carried out at another window to
+her master's house again.</p>
+
+<p>This was the cause of both amazement and laughter,
+though the gentleman was much ashamed and confounded
+to be thus exposed, still muttering revenge; but Friar
+Bacon told him his best way was to put up all, since he
+had verified all his promises, and bid him have a care how
+he gave a scholar the lie again.</p>
+
+<p>The king and queen, well pleased with the entertainment,
+highly commending his art, and promising him
+their favour and protection, took their leave of the friar,
+returning to London, and he to his study at Brazen Nose
+College.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[314]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Friar Bacon put a Comical Trick upon his man Miles,
+who, pretending Abstinence on a Fast Day, concealed
+Victuals in his Pocket to eat in a Corner.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Friar Bacon kept a man to wait on him who, though but
+a simple fellow, yet a merry droll and full of waggeries.
+His name was Miles, and though his master and those
+of the order often fasted on set days, Miles loved his guts
+too well to pinch them, and though outwardly he seemed to
+fast for compliance, he always kept a private reserve to eat
+in a corner, which Bacon knew by art, and resolved to put
+a trick upon him. It so happened on Good Friday, in Lent,
+a strict fast was held, and Miles seemed very devout; for
+when his master bid him, however, take a bit of bread and
+a sip of wine early in the morning to keep him from
+fainting, he refused it, saying he was a great sinner, and
+therefore ought to do more than this for his mortification, and
+to gain absolution, making a great many pretences of sanctity,
+and how well he was inclined to keep the holy fast. "'Tis
+well," said the friar, "if I catch you not tripping." Hereupon
+Miles went to his cell, pretending to pray, but indeed
+to eat a fine pudding he had concealed: which he had no
+sooner put into his mouth at one end, but it stuck there;
+he could neither eat it nor get it out. The use of his hands
+failed, and he was taken with a shivering all over, so that,
+thinking he should have died presently, he cried piteously
+out for help; whereupon Friar Bacon, calling the scholars
+together, went in to see what was the matter, and perceiving
+him in that plight said, smiling, "Now I see what
+a penitent servant I have, who was so conscientious he
+would not touch a bit of bread, but would willingly have
+devoured two pounds of pudding to have broke his fast."
+He piteously entreated him to dissolve the charm and
+deliver him, and he would never do so again. "Nay," said
+the friar, "you shall do penance for this;" so, taking hold<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[315]</a></span>
+of the end of the pudding, he led him out to the scholars,
+saying, "See, here's a queasy-stomached fellow, that would
+not touch a bit of bread to-day!" When they saw him in
+this plight, they all fell heartily a-laughing; but Friar
+Bacon, not so contented, led him to the college gate, and by
+enchantment fixing the end of the pudding to the bar, he
+was made so fast to it as if it had been by a cable rope, and
+on his back were placed these lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">"This is Friar Bacon's man, who vow'd to fast,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;But, dissembling, thus it took at last;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;The pudding more religion had than he;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Though he would eat it, it will not down, you see.<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Then of hypocrisy pray all beware,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Lest like disgrace be each dissembler's share.<br /><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Miles all the while was jeered and sported with by all the
+scholars and town's people, but, after four hour's penance,
+his master dissolved the charm, and released him, and he
+ever after kept the fasts, not so much out of religion as
+for fear that a worse trick should be put upon him.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Friar Bacon saved a Gentleman who had sold
+himself to the Devil for Money, and put a Trick
+upon the Old Deceiver of Mankind.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>When Friar Bacon flourished at Oxford, a young gentleman,
+by his prodigality, having run out his estate and involved
+himself in debt, grew exceeding pensive and melancholy,
+purposing to make himself away, in order to put an end to his
+miseries and the scorns that were put daily upon him by his
+former companions, being also utterly cast off by his friends;
+so, walking by a wood side, full of sorrow, he met, as he
+thought, an old man in good clothing, who saluted him and
+demanded the cause of his melancholy, and why he walked
+so solitary. At first he refused to tell him, as thinking he
+could do him no good; but the other urging it, promised<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[316]</a></span>
+to assist him if he wanted anything. He said, "I am in
+want. I want fine clothes, as I used to have; I want
+money to buy food, pay debts, redeem my mortgaged land,
+and many things more. Can you help me to enough to
+do it?" "I can," said the old man, "on one condition."
+"What's that?" said the gentleman. "If it be anything
+tolerable I shall not refuse it, for I cannot be well worse or
+in greater hardship than I am now." "Why," said the
+other, "the matter is not so much; you shall only oblige
+yourself when I have furnished you with money to do all
+you have named and you have paid every one you owe
+a farthing to, to become obedient to me, and be disposed of
+at my pleasure." Now the young man, taking him for
+a usurer, and very rich, supposed this obligation was only a
+fetch to marry his daughter or some kinswoman of his,
+which he could be well contented to do, not doubting to
+have a good portion, and therefore scrupled not to do as he
+desired. Upon this he bid him meet him the next morning,
+about the same time, when he would have the writing
+ready; and on signing he should have the money. So they
+parted, and the gentleman delayed not coming, without
+asking advice, and was as punctually met; but when he saw
+the writing in blood he was startled a little, but the old man
+told him it was only a whim of his own to have it so
+written to distinguish it from other men's, and put his
+debtors more in mind to repay the money he lent them.
+Upon this speech, and the gentleman's seeing store of gold
+and silver brought by three or four of whom he supposed
+to be servants, he believed it. "But how," said he, "shall I
+write with the same?" "Oh," said he, "let me see. I'll
+prick your right vein," which he did, whilst the gentleman
+found an unusual trembling and an inward remorse in his
+mind. However, taking the bloody pen in his hand, he
+desperately subscribed and sealed the writing. Then,
+telling the money into a cloak bag, he laid it on his horse,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[317]</a></span>
+and they, with much ceremony, took leave of each other.
+The gentleman laughed in his sleeve to think how he would
+find him out, seeing he had not asked, nor himself told him,
+where he lived.</p>
+
+<p>Soon after he summoned all his creditors, paid them to a
+farthing, redeemed his land, went gallant, and recovered
+his esteem in the world; but one evening as he was looking
+over his writings in his closet, he heard somebody rap at
+the door, when, opening it, he saw the party he had
+borrowed the money of, with the writing in his hand, who
+told him he was now come to demand him, and he must
+now go along with him; for to his knowledge he had paid
+his debts, and done whatever was agreed to. The gentleman,
+wondering how he should know this so soon, denied
+it. "Nay," replied he, fiercely, "deny it not, for I'll not be
+cheated of my bargain," and thereupon changed into a
+horrible shape, struck him almost dead with fear, for now
+he perceived it was the devil. Then he told him if he did
+not meet on the morrow, in the same place he had lent him
+the money, he would come the next day and tear him
+to pieces. "And," says he, "if I prove not what I say, you
+shall be quiet"; and so vanished out of the window in a
+flash of flame, with horrible bellowings. The gentleman,
+seeing himself in this case, began to weep bitterly, and
+wished he had been contented in his sad condition, rather
+than have taken such a desperate way to enrich himself,
+and was almost at his wits' end.</p>
+
+<p>Friar Bacon, knowing by his art what had passed, came to
+comfort him, and having heard the whole story, bid him
+not despair, but pray and repent of his sins, and he would
+contrive to show the devil a trick that should release him
+from his obligation. This greatly comforted the gentleman,
+and he promised to do whatever the friar should order him.
+"Then," says he, "meet at the time appointed, and I
+will be near. Offer to put the decision of the controversy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[318]</a></span>
+to the next that comes by, and that shall be myself, and
+I will find a way infallibly to give it on your side." Accordingly
+he met, and the devil consented to put it to arbitration.
+Then Friar Bacon appearing, "Lo," said the gentleman,
+"here's a proper judge. This learned friar shall determine
+it, and if it goes against me, you have free liberty to do
+with me as you please." "Content," said the devil. Then
+each of them told their story, and the writing was produced,
+with all the acquittances he had taken; for the devil, contrary
+to his knowledge, had stolen them and the other
+writings belonging to his estate out of his closet. The
+friar, weighing well the matter, asked the gentleman
+whether he had paid the devil any of the money he
+borrowed of him. "No," replied he, "not one farthing."
+"Why then," said he, "Mr. Devil, his debts are not discharged;
+you are his principal creditor, and, according to
+this writing, can lay no claim to him till every one of his
+debts are discharged." "How! how!" replied the devil,
+"am I outwitted then? O friar, thou art a crafty knave!"
+and thereupon vanished in a flame, raising a mighty
+tempest of thunder, lightning, and rain; so that they were
+wet through before they could get shelter. Then Bacon
+charged him he should never pay the devil a farthing of his
+debt, whatever shape he came in, or artifice he used to
+wheedle him out of it, and then he could have no power
+over him. The gentleman on this, living a temperate frugal
+life, grew very rich, and leaving no children at his death,
+bequeathed his estate to Brazen Nose College, because Friar
+Bacon, a member of it, had delivered him from so great a
+danger of body and soul.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[319]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>How Friar Bacon framed a Brazen Head which, by
+Enchantment, was to Speak; by that means
+all England had been walled with Brass, if the Folly
+of his man Miles, who was set to watch the Head,
+had not disappointed it, not timely calling
+his Master to answer it, for which he
+was struck Dumb many Days.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>Friar Bacon, being now a profound proficient in the art
+of magic and many other sciences, contrived, with one Friar
+Bungey, who was his pupil, to do something memorable
+for the good of his country, and many things they cast in
+their minds. At last they remembered that England had
+often been harassed and invaded by the Romans, Saxons,
+Danes, Normans, and other nations at sundry times, to the
+great effusion of blood, and often alteration of the constitution
+of governments; and if anything might be contrived
+to prevent the like for the future, they should thereby raise
+a lasting monument to their names.</p>
+
+<p>Bacon, upon this, concluded to frame a head of brass, and
+if, by their art, they could cause it to speak, and answer
+their demands, they required that all the sea-girt shores of
+England and Wales should be walled with brass, and brazen
+towers be raised on the frontiers of Scotland, to hinder the
+incursions and rovings of the hardy Scots.</p>
+
+<p>They laboured to do this by art, but could not; so they
+conjured up a spirit, to inquire of the infernal council
+whether it might be done or not. The spirit, however, was
+unwilling to answer, till Friar Bacon threatened with his
+charms to bind him in chains in the Red Sea or to a burning
+rock, and make him the sport of wrecking whirlwinds.</p>
+
+<p>Terrified by this means, he said of himself he could give
+no answer, but must inquire of his lord, Lucifer. They
+granted him two days for an answer. Accordingly he
+returned this:&mdash;"If they for two months would carefully<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[320]</a></span>
+watch the head, it should in that time speak, but the certain
+time should not be known to them, and then, if they did
+hear it, they should be answered."</p>
+
+<p>At this they much rejoiced, and watched by turns very
+carefully for six weeks, and no voice was uttered. At
+length, tired out, and broken for want of their natural rest,
+they concluded some other might watch as well as they,
+till they refreshed themselves in repose, and call them when
+the head began to speak, which would be time enough; and
+because this was a secret they did not care for having it
+known till they saw what they should make of it. Bacon
+thereupon proposed his man Miles, and Bungey approved
+of it; so they called Miles, told him the nature of the
+brazen head and what was intended, by giving him a strict
+charge on his life, to awake them as soon as ever he heard
+it speak.</p>
+
+<p>"For that, master," said he, "let me alone. I warrant you
+I'll do your business effectually, never fear it." So he got him
+a long sword by his side, and a tabor and pipe to play, and
+keep him awake if any drowsiness or the like should overtake
+him.</p>
+
+<p>The charge being given, and he thus accoutred, the two
+friars went to rest in the next apartment. Miles then
+began to pipe and sing songs of his sweethearts and
+frolics:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">"Bessy, that is so frolic and gay,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Like a cat she loves with her tail to play;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Though sometimes she'll pant and frown,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;All's well when her anger goes down.<br /><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">"She'll never say nay, but sport and play;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;O, Bessy to me is the queen of the May;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;For Margery she is peevish and proud;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Come, fiddlers, then, and scrape the crowd."<br /><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>Whilst his merriment passed, after a hoarse noise, like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[321]</a></span>
+thunder almost spent, the head spoke distinctly, "<span class="smcap">Time Is</span>."
+"Oh ho!" says Miles, "is this all the news you can tell me?
+Well, copper nose, has my master taken all this pains
+about you, and you can speak no wiser? Dost thou think
+I am such a fool to break his sweet slum for this? No,
+speak wiser, or he shall sleep on. Time is, quotha! Why,
+I know time is, and that thou shalt hear, goodman
+kettle jaws.</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">"Time is for some to gain,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;Time is for some to lose;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time is for some to hand,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;But then they cannot choose.<br /><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time is to go a score,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;Time is when one should pay:<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time is to reckon, too,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;But few care for that day.<br /><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time is to graft the born<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;Upon another's head;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time is to make maids' hearts swell,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;Oh, then 'tis time they're wed.<br /><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>"Hear'st thou this, goodman copper nose? We scholars
+know when time is, without thy babbling. We know
+when time is to drink good sack, eat well, kiss our hostesses,
+and run on the score. But when time is to pay them is
+indeed but seldom."</p>
+
+<p>While thus he merrily discoursed, about half an hour
+after the same noise began as before, and the head
+said, "TIME WAS." "Well," said Miles, "this blockish head
+is the foolishest thing my wise master ever troubled himself
+about. How would he have laughed, had he been here, to
+hear it prat so simply! Therefore, thou brazen-faced ass,
+speak wiser, or I shall never trouble my head to awake him.
+Time was, quotha! thou ass thou! I know that, and so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[322]</a></span>
+thou shalt hear, for I find my master has watched and
+tutored thee to a fine purpose.</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">"Time was when thou, a kettle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;Was wont to hold good matter;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;But Friar Bacon did thee spoil<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;When he thy sides did batter.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time was when conscience dwelt<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;With men of each vocation;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time was when lawyers did not thrive<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;So well by men's vexations.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time was when charity<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;Was not denied a being;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">&nbsp;Time was when office kept no knaves;<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">&nbsp;That time was worth the seeing.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>"Ay, ay, and time was for many other things. But what
+of that, goodman brazen face? I see my master has placed
+me here on a very foolish account. I think I'd as good go to
+sleep, too, as to stay watching here to no purpose." Whilst
+he thus scoffed and taunted, the head spoke a third time,
+and said, "<span class="smcap">Time is past!</span>" and so, with a horrid noise, fell
+down and broke to pieces. Whereupon ensued lamentable
+shrieks and cries, flashes of fire, and a rattling as of
+thunder, which awaking the two friars, they came running
+in, in great disorder found Miles rolling on the floor, in
+a stinking pickle, almost dead with fear, and the head lying
+shattered about the room in a thousand pieces. Then,
+having brought him to his senses again, they demanded how
+this came. "Nay, the devil knows better than I," said
+Miles, "I believe he was in this plaguy head: for when it
+fell, it gave a bounce like a cannon." "Wretch that thou
+art!" said Bacon, "trifle not with my impatience. Didst
+thou hear it speak, varlet! answer me that."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, truly," said Miles, "it did speak, but very simply,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[323]</a></span>
+considering you have been so long a-tutoring it. I protest
+I could have taught a jackdaw to have spoke better in two
+days. It said, '<span class="smcap">Time is</span>.'" "Oh, villain!" says Bacon,
+"had'st thou called me then, all England had been walled
+with brass, to my immortal fame." "Then," continued
+Miles, "about half an hour after, it said, '<span class="smcap">Time was</span>.'"
+"O, wretch! how my anger burns against thee. Had you
+but called me then, it might have done what I desired."
+"Then," said he, "it said, '<span class="smcap">Time's past</span>'; and so fell down
+with the horrid noise that waked you and made me, I am
+sure, befoul my breeches; and since here's so much to do
+about time, I think it's time for me to retire and clean
+myself." "Well, villain," says Bacon, "thou has lost all our
+cost and pains by thy foolish negligence." "Why," said
+Miles, "I thought it would not have stopped when it once
+began, but would have gone on and told me some pleasant
+story, or have commanded me to have called you, and I
+should have done it; but I see the devil is a cunning
+sophister, and all hell would not allow him tinkers and
+brass enough to do the work, and therefore has put this
+trick upon us to get oft from his promise." "How, slave,"
+said the friar, "art thou at buffoonery, now thou hast done
+me this great injury? Sirrah! because you think the head
+spake not enough to induce you to call us, you shall speak
+less in two months' space," and with that, by enchantment,
+he struck him dumb to the end of that time, and would
+have done worse had not Bungey had compassion on the
+fellow's simplicity and persuaded him from it.</p>
+
+<p>And thus ends the history of that famous Friar Bacon,
+who had done a deed which would have made his fame ring
+through all ages yet to come, had it not been for the
+simplicity of his man Miles.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[324]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>THE HISTORY</h2>
+
+<h5>OF</h5>
+
+<h1>THE BLIND BEGGAR</h1>
+
+<h2>OF BETHNAL GREEN,</h2>
+
+<h5>CONTAINING</h5>
+
+<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.3in">His Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars and
+Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her
+being Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind
+Beggar dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the
+Knight and the Beggar's Daughter being Married;
+and, lastly, how the famous Pedigree of the Beggar was
+discovered, with other Things worthy of Note.</p></blockquote>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Monford went to the Wars of France, where he lost his
+Sight; how he was accompanied with his Wife, who
+preserved his Life, and of his Return to England, etc.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>In former days, when the rose of England eclipsed the
+lilies of France, and true English valour made that nation
+stoop, among other brave gallants that went over to try
+their fortune, Monford was one, a person well descended,
+who, being naturally inclined to war and greedy of fame,
+neither the entreaty of friends nor the marriage he had
+contracted with a kind, beautiful woman, could alter his
+purpose; but taking his wife Margaret with him, he, with
+many hundreds more, crossed the seas, and with the help of
+a prosperous wind, arriving at Calais, marched to the royal<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[325]</a></span>
+standard, accompanied with his loving wife, who, in manlike
+attire, became his inseparable companion, and was the
+cause of saving his life; for many skirmishes happened
+between the English and French, wherein young Monford
+behaved himself with wondrous courage; and in one,
+following too hot the pursuit, was, with divers others,
+entrapped into ambush, late in the evening; and though he
+manfully disputed it, making great slaughter of the enemy,
+yet in spite of resistance he was beaten from his horse by a
+forcible stroke, and left in the field for dead among the
+dying men; where he had undoubtedly perished through
+loss of blood, and the anguish of his wounds, had not his
+tender-hearted love, upon hearing what had happened and
+his not returning, hasted to the field, where, among the
+slain, she by moonlight discovered him, stripped and
+struggling for life, and by the help of a servant brought
+him to a shepherd's cottage, where she carefully dressed his
+wounds and administered such cordials as brought him to
+himself, to her unspeakable joy; though this joy was something
+abated when she found he had lost his sight, but true
+love working in her heart, the alteration or disfigurement of
+his countenance did not alter her affection; but comforting
+him in the best manner she could, though his natural
+courage would not admit of any dejection, she procured him
+a homely suit of apparel, and brought him (unfit for service)
+back to England, of whose entertainment and settlement at
+Bethnal Green, in the county of Middlesex, and course of
+life, you shall hear in the following chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Monford arrived in England and of the Cold
+Entertainment he found among his relations.
+How he settled in Bethnal Green, where he continued to beg
+for his Living.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Monford, having escaped a dreadful storm at sea, landed
+with his wife on the coast of Essex, where he had some<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[326]</a></span>
+considerable relations, to whom, in his necessity, they
+applied themselves for succour; but they, who, after the
+death of his parents, had wasted much of his patrimony,
+or fearing he might be chargeable to them, would not know
+him, and those that were convinced he was the same
+Monford that went over to France gave him but cold entertainment;
+insomuch that, scorning to rely upon their
+charity, he told his wife that he intended, early in the
+morning, to haste towards London, and that he would
+rather trust to Providence than the ingratitude of those
+who, in his prosperous days, had caressed him. His wife
+declared she would labour at her spinning-wheel or do what
+she was capable for a living. In two days travelling they
+spent what little money they had saved, so necessity obliged
+them to ask charity of the people as he passed through the
+country towns and villages; who, understanding that he came
+by his misfortune in fighting for the honour of his country,
+gave liberally to him; and considering that the loss of his
+sight had rendered him incapable of business, he resolved to
+embrace what providence had cast in his way, which was
+to live upon charity. Whereupon, arriving at Bethnal
+Green, near London, he hired a small cottage for his wife
+and himself, and daily appearing publicly to crave alms,
+was from thence called "The Beggar of Bethnal Green,"
+and in a short time found it a thriving trade, insomuch
+that his bed of straw was changed into down, and his
+earthen platters and other utensils into a better sort of
+decent furniture.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Monford happened to meet with Snap, an old,
+experienced Beggar, who gave him an Insight
+into the Mystery of the Canting Tribe; and how he
+invited him to the Rendezvous.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Monford resolving in this kind of way to spend the
+remainder of his days, being very well contented with his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[327]</a></span>
+trade, having played it with great success in the place
+where he lived, one day he was encountered by an old
+proficient in the art of begging, who, seeing him very
+diligent, did greatly covet his acquaintance, and to know
+what gang he did belong to. He therefore accosts him in
+their canting method, which is a sort of speech or rather a
+gibberish peculiar to themselves. Monford, being ignorant,
+could make him no direct answer, which the other, whose
+name was Snap, perceiving, and thereby knowing him to be
+a young beginner, invited him to their feasts or rendezvous
+in Whitechapel, whither he having promised to come, and
+they between them tripped off four black pots of rum, they
+parted that time.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Monford went to the Beggars' Feast, and of his
+Entertainment, and also the Presents they made.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Monford, upon his coming home, declared to his wife what
+a merry companion he met with, and what discourse he
+had, and likewise what he had promised, entreating her to
+get things in readiness, that she might conduct him thither,
+where appeared, instead of a ragged regiment of lame, blind,
+and dumb, there was a rout of jovial dancers, as gay as the
+spring, and as merry as the maids; which made them
+imagine they were mistaken in the place or was imposed
+upon, and therefore turned to go away, had not Snap
+started from his chair, where he sat as supervisor, in all
+his gallantry, and taking him by the hand, let him know
+who it was introduced him into the assembly, where he
+was received as brother of their society, every member
+saluting him with a compliment, and, that he might not
+want a guide for the future, Snap, in the name of the
+society, presented him with a dog and a bell trained to the
+business. So his wife and he, being splendidly entertained,
+were dismissed, upon his promise that he would not be
+absent at their yearly meeting.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[328]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>What Success he had in the Begging Trade. How his
+Wife was brought to Bed of a Daughter, and
+Christened by the Name of Elizabeth.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The blind beggar soon became master of his trade, and, by
+the help of his dog, trudged often to London, and having
+the perfect tone, had the luck to return with his pockets
+well lined with chink. His way of begging became so
+pleasing to him that he would often sing as follows&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">A beggar lives a merry life,</span>
+<span class="i5">And has both wealth and ease;</span>
+<span class="i4">His days are free from care and strife,</span>
+<span class="i5">He does whate'er he please.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">While others labour, sweat, and toil,</span>
+<span class="i5">His tongue does get him pelf;</span>
+<span class="i4">He travels with his dog and bell,</span>
+<span class="i5">And brings home store of wealth.</span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>He being by this time in a warm condition, to add
+further to his joy, his loving wife fell in labour, and was
+delivered of a daughter, whose birth made him think he
+was the happiest man alive, and hundred times he kissed
+her and dandled her in his arms, whom he christened by
+the name of Elizabeth, and as she increased in years, so her
+beauty and modesty caused her to be called "Pretty Betty."
+Some began to dote upon her admirable perfections, and the
+better to qualify her gave her such learning as was suitable
+to her degree, which she improved; so that her beauty and
+wit, her skill in singing, dancing, and playing on instruments
+of music, procured her the envy of the young
+maidens thereabouts, who supposed themselves much superior
+in birth and fortune, would often reflect upon her birth, and
+call her a beggar's brat. She bore all their ill language
+without returning it, and endeavoured to win them to her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[329]</a></span>
+by gentle persuasions; but not prevailing, and her patience
+spent, she said, "I never injured any of you, but have strove
+to do you all the good offices which I was capable of doing;
+why, then, do you envy and abuse me? What if my
+parents are in a mean station, yet they pay for my education
+of dancing and singing which they bestow upon me,
+and though, perhaps, I am not so well descended as some of
+you, though you may be mistaken, yet Heaven might have
+made your case the same had it thought fit." Yet, finding
+that they did not cease to rail at her, and being by this
+time about fifteen years of age, she prevailed with her
+parents to grant her leave to seek her fortune.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How handsome Betty took Leave of her Parents, and
+the Entertainment she met with.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Now the time of Betty's departure being come, her parents
+furnished her with clothes and other necessaries, whereupon
+she fell upon her knees and craved their blessing, which being
+given, with many prayers for her prosperity, they took a
+sad farewell.</p>
+
+<p>Pretty Betty, having now left her father's house, or
+rather smoke-loft, went pensive along the road towards
+Stradford, relying only on Providence to direct her. Having
+walked all night, at sunrise she came to Rumford, in Essex
+and being ready to faint, betook herself to an inn, and
+called for something to refresh her. The mistress of the
+house, taking notice of her garb, beautiful face, and modest
+behaviour, though dejected, began to ask her from whence
+she came, and whither she was bound. Betty replied, "I
+am going to seek my fortune. I am very well educated by
+my indulgent parents, who live near London; but I am
+now obliged, contrary to my former expectation, to get my
+livelihood in some honest way of working." The good
+woman, being more and more taken with her carriage,
+demanded if she would be content to stay with her till she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[330]</a></span>
+could better provide to her advantage, and that she would
+use her as a daughter rather than a servant. Betty thankfully
+accepted the offer, and in the performance of whatever
+she undertook discharged herself so well that she gained
+the love and applause of all that observed her, insomuch
+that her name for beauty and ingenuity began to spread,
+and abundance of young men resorted to the house, which
+created a great trade, on purpose to see her, who generally
+took a liking to her; for nature had made her so lovely
+and charming that she could not but be admired, insomuch
+that many of them, as they found opportunity, began to
+buzz love stories in her ears, to which she gave but little
+heed, till four suitors of greater worth beat off these little
+assailants, and laid close siege, as in the following chapter
+will appear.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty, living at an Inn at Rumford, was
+Courted by Persons of Fortune.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>It being whispered about that pretty Betty must needs be
+some great person's daughter, it highly increased her reputation.
+At last the inn-keeper's son, a very rich London
+merchant, courted her. But she modestly declined his
+offers, as also the offers of all other suitors, by representing
+to them the inequality of her fortune to theirs; but this
+served only to increase their passions. And being every
+day importuned, she at last resolved to discover who her
+parents were, judging that way to be the most sure means
+to try the sincerity of their love and affection which they
+pretended to have for her.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty being Woo'd by her Master's Son, a
+Merchant, a Gentleman, and a Knight; how,
+upon her declaring her Parentage, was slighted by all but
+the Knight; and of their Agreement.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Our beautiful virgin, being hardly pressed for love and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[331]</a></span>
+enjoyment, found herself obliged to take a course that
+might rid her of her lovers, or allot one of them to her
+share; wherefore she told them she was not really at her
+own disposal, her parents being alive; therefore, if they
+loved her as they said, and seeing but one could enjoy her,
+she was contented her father should choose one for her, of
+whose choice she would approve.</p>
+
+<p>This set them almost at daggers drawing, who should get
+thither first, but whither to go they knew not, therefore
+desired to be informed, every one's heart being filled with
+joy, not doubting to carry the prize; when thus she
+began:&mdash;"My parents, worthy sirs, live on Bethnal Green.
+My father is left with a dog and a bell, living upon the
+charity of good people, and my mother a poor woman that
+spins for bread. Thus I have declared to you my parents,
+and though I might have the richest person in the world
+for a husband, yet I would not marry him without their
+consent, which I think myself bound in duty to obtain."</p>
+
+<p>Most of her suitors seemed thunderstruck at this plain
+declaration, every one, except the knight, despising her
+now as much as they seemed to love her before, each of
+them swearing they would not undervalue themselves to
+marry a beggar's child. But the knight was more inflamed
+than ever, and having a large estate, did not regard interest
+or a portion so much as he did the pleasing of his fancy
+with a beautiful, modest, young, and virtuous maid, all of
+which centred in Pretty Betty. Therefore, after he had
+paused a while took the blushing virgin by the hand, and
+said, "You see, fair creature, how they that pretended to
+love you did it only in expectation of your being descended
+from wealthy parents, and that they might get a large
+portion. Though they have left you, if you will accept
+of me for a husband, who truly love you on account
+of your virtue and beauty, I will make you my wife and
+settle on you a jointure." To this she replied, "Alas, sir, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[332]</a></span>
+dare not hope for so much happiness, or, if I durst, yet
+would not dispose of myself without my parents' consent;
+though I must confess," says she, blushing, "I ever did
+esteem you above all the gentlemen who did make love and
+offer themselves to me." This modesty kindled his passion
+more, and therefore, after many vows of constancy, it was
+agreed that he should provide horses and servants, and conduct
+her the next morning to Bethnal Green, to ask and
+obtain her father's consent; yet this affair was not so
+secretly managed but spies being abroad soon discovered it,
+who not only discovered to the knight's uncle, who was
+guardian and trustee for him, and had the sole care of his
+estate, but to most of the young men in Rumford who were
+her admirers, as the following chapter will inform you.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty rid behind the Knight to her Father's
+House, and what happened on the Road; also
+what happened between the Knight's Uncle and Betty's
+Father.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Pretty Betty, having met the knight according to appointment,
+did not scruple to ride behind him; but they had
+scarce got out of town when his uncle came to the inn, but
+not finding either of them there, was confirmed that what
+had been told him was true, and therefore he followed
+them to prevent the match, being accompanied with
+several of Betty's lovers, who suspected the knight had
+taken her away by force. Their hurry and confusion was
+great, and the townsmen going a nearer way, overtook and
+fell foul upon the knight and his servants, without giving
+him leave to speak for himself or suffering his mistress to
+excuse him, so that a sharp conflict ensued, till at length
+divers persons that were travelling the road came and
+parted them, whereby they came to a right understanding,
+which made those that had misused him beg his pardon,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[333]</a></span>
+which he granted, and, dismissing them, kept on his way
+till, coming to the old man's door, they alighted; which
+made him, upon hearing the noise of horses trampling, being
+a thing very unusual, start from the fire, and put his head
+out of the window, and not understanding the meaning of
+it, ere the knight's uncle came puffing and blowing at a
+strange rate crying, "Why, how now nephew? what's this
+I hear of you? Are you mad to disgrace your family by
+marrying a beggar's brat? For shame, for shame! consider
+better than to make yourself a laughing stock to the world
+by such an unseemly match." Then, turning about to
+Pretty Betty, said, "Pray how came this about, you
+baggage you? But, however, I say, nephew, leave her and
+come along with me and I will provide a rich wife for you
+suitable to your condition."</p>
+
+<p>To this the young knight would have replied, but the
+blind beggar Monford, not being able to bear his taunts and
+reproaches any longer, said, "I cannot see you at all, but
+sir, whatever you are I hear you too much, and more than
+becomes a civil gentleman; nor do I count my girl so mean
+to suffer her to be railed on at my door; therefore, pray sir,
+hold your prating, or I shall fell you with my staff. I have
+seen the day when a taller fellow than you durst not put
+me in a passion. If your kinsman does not think my child
+a fit match for him, let him let her alone and welcome. I
+am satisfied she hath her share of beauty and good breeding,
+and those are enough to recommend her. But know, sir,
+that I, her father, am willing and ready to lay down as
+many guineas for my child as you are to drop for your
+nephew, and therefore care not how soon you begin." The
+knight's uncle was something surprised at this speech of the
+blind beggar's; but, however, he accepted of the challenge,
+and sent to London for a bag of gold. As soon as it was
+brought, Monford pulled out two large cat skins stuffed with
+gold from under a bundle of rags, whereby it appeared his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[334]</a></span>
+trade had been advantageous. Both parties being ready,
+they rained a golden shower so plentifully that the gentleman's
+stock failed him, and the beggar, not hearing it
+chink, fell into laughter and said, "How, sir, is your money
+done so soon? I thought at first you had more words than
+money. Pray, for your credit's sake, try your friends, for
+I have three or four cat skins with golden puddings in
+their bellies yet." "Indeed," said the gentleman, "I am
+content to own you have outdone me, and think you have
+the philosopher's stone, or keep a familiar to bring it to you
+from the golden mountain. But seeing the world goes so
+well with you, I shall no further go about to persuade my
+nephew from being your son-in-law, but beg pardon for
+what I have done." "Oh, do you so," said the beggar,
+"then may things be better, perhaps, than you expect."
+Then, turning to the knight, "Gather up," said he, "the
+loose coin I have scattered, and here's a cat skin filled
+which will make up the sum of three thousand pounds,
+beside a hundred more to buy her a wedding gown. Take
+this as her present portion, and, as you behave yourself,
+expect more hereafter. I give her to you, and with her a
+blessing. Go to church and be married, in God's name,
+and I wish you both success and prosperity." When he
+had thus spoken, the knight and bride fell upon their
+knees, and gave him a thousand thanks and departed,
+whilst those that had been suitors, hearing what had
+happened, were ready to hang themselves for madness.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty was Married to the Knight, and her
+true Pedigree discovered.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Things being come to pass, great preparations were made
+for the wedding. The bride and bridegroom were dressed
+in rich apparel, and as soon as the ceremony was ended
+they went to the place appointed for keeping their wedding<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[335]</a></span>
+dinner. Hither resorted abundance of persons of distinction,
+who had been invited, yet none of them surpassed the bride
+in modesty and beauty. At length her father and mother
+came in, dressed in silks and embroidered velvets. The
+company was pleased with the entertainment, which was
+very costly, and when the music, dancing, and masquerading
+was ended, the old man Monford sung a song, wherein he
+discovered his pedigree and his valour in the wars of
+France, which also filled the company full of admiration.</p>
+
+<h4>OLD MONFORD'S SONG.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i4">You gallants all, that here are come</span>
+<span class="i5">To make this day more happy prove;</span>
+<span class="i4">Know, though I'm blind, I am not dumb,</span>
+<span class="i5">But wish you happiness and love.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">The bride, although her birth seems mean,</span>
+<span class="i5">Is born of a noble race;</span>
+<span class="i4">Her predecessors great have been,</span>
+<span class="i5">If you her pedigree do trace.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Know she is Monford's daughter fair,</span>
+<span class="i5">Who lost his sight in the wars of France,</span>
+<span class="i4">Who ever since, in begging here,</span>
+<span class="i5">Did take this happy, thriving chance.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Consider, bridegroom, then her birth,</span>
+<span class="i5">Which some think mean and low,</span>
+<span class="i4">As much of honour can bring forth</span>
+<span class="i5">As you have power to show.</span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The name of Monford, which had been held so famous for
+virtue and valour in those days, did not a little cause
+wonder in the hearers, who, desiring him to explain himself,
+and give the company a particular account of all his adventures
+from his youth till the present time, and immediately
+a profound silence ensued, the noble company sitting in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[336]</a></span>
+full expectation of being diverted with the surprising
+achievements and glorious exploits of old Monford, especially
+his son-in-law, who was more desirous than all the
+rest to hear this seemingly so much pleasing relation, and his
+beautiful bride was no less anxious to hear more of her pedigree;
+for till now she had been kept in the dark with regard
+to her high birth. Monford, hearing all were silent, begun to
+relate first, his marriage; second, his going over to France,
+accompanied by his beloved spouse, his adventures there;
+and, lastly, how he lost his sight in an engagement, with
+his return to England, and the success he had by begging;
+all which caused a general joy, since those who had
+formerly known him by that name supposed him to be
+dead; and the bridegroom was pronounced now more happy
+than ever, whose lovely bride in both birth and fortune
+equalled his in all degrees, and her father, for the credit of
+his daughter, promised to leave off his begging trade and
+live upon what he had got. This day was concluded to the
+joy and satisfaction of all parties.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[337]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="double" />
+<h2>THE</h2>
+
+<h2>PLEASANT HISTORY</h2>
+
+<h5>OF</h5>
+
+<h1>POOR ROBIN</h1>
+
+<h5>THE</h5>
+
+<h3>MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN</h3>
+
+<h5>SHOWING</h5>
+
+<div class="center">The Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+and how he Tricked a rich Miser, etc.
+Very diverting for a Winter Evening Fireside.</div>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>The birth of Poor Robin, how he was bound Apprentice to
+a Saddler, and what a trick he served his Master.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Robin was born in Saffron-Walden, in the county of
+Essex, of honest, plain parents, who brought him up not as
+our nice dames do now-a-days, by directing him how much
+he should eat, but, as the fashion was then, full fed with
+gross meat, so that in a few years he grew a sturdy lad;
+and considering his growth and manners, a man might well
+say better fed than taught. His father being willing he
+should be able to live in the world another day, bound him
+an apprentice to a Saddler, one who fitted poor Robin's
+humour to a hair; for the master loving drink, he thought
+it should go hard if the man likewise did not also wet his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[338]</a></span>
+lips with it. It fortuned one time his master had brewed a
+barrel of beer stronger than ordinary, to the drinking of
+which poor Robin one night invites five or six of his comrades,
+who, before the next morning, drank it all up. Poor
+Robin to excuse himself, draws the spiggot out, and throws
+a pailful of small beer and two or three pails full of water
+under the tap, and by a wile gets a great sow into the
+cellar; so the next morning when his master arose all was
+quiet, and the sow was blamed for what the boar pig had
+done.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin served his Master for sitting up late at
+Nights.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Robin's master had gotten a custom that the man did
+not at all like, which was, that after he had tippled all day,
+sometimes till ten or eleven o'clock at night, he would then
+come home and fall asleep in a chair, during which time his
+man must not go to bed, but wait until his master awakened.
+Poor Robin to break him of this evil custom, one night when
+his master came home soundly fuddled, and falling asleep in
+his chair as usual; so he made a great fire, and then drew
+his master's legs so near thereto, that his toes touched some
+of the coals; which being done, he sits him down in the
+other corner to observe the sequel. He had not sat long till
+his master's shoes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly
+awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad. The man
+all the while counterfeits himself asleep, and seemed not to
+awake for a good space. At last, seeming much to pity his
+master's misfortune, they went to bed. But never after
+that would his master sit up to sleep in his chair.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin served a rich Miser.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>In the same town lived a rich miser who had wealth enough
+to have been treasurer of the town, and wisdom answerable<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[339]</a></span>
+to a beadle of a parish. This man, fuller of faith than good
+works, would neither feast the poor nor relieve their wants,
+nor hold brotherly unity with any. Poor Robin being
+resolved to put a trick upon him, it being then Christmas,
+made it fit for his purpose; and so counterfeiting himself to
+be the gentleman's man, about ten or eleven o'clock at
+night, just when people were in bed, he calls at sundry
+men's doors, inviting them the next day to his master's
+(naming the gentleman's name) to dinner. Whereupon the
+next day appeared the number of two and twenty in their
+roast-meat apparel; but, contrary to their expectations,
+finding small preparations towards a dinner, they began to
+wonder wherefore he had invited them; the gentleman as
+much wondered wherefore they came. At last the truth
+was cleared on both sides, some laughed, and some frowned;
+and so they all departed home.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Robin Married and set up for Himself.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Robin having served out his apprenticeship would
+needs set up for himself, and thereupon hires a house and
+shop; yet thinking it inconvenient for him to live alone,
+and that two heads were better than one, he resolved to do
+as many others did, marry in haste though he should repent
+at leisure. But his fortune was better than his deserts, for
+though she was but a homely woman, with whom he joined
+in matrimony, yet she was provident to live in the world,
+and for his own part he stood not much on beauty, but had
+rather have a fat purse than a fair wife, seeing there was
+great profit in the one, and less danger of being made a
+cuckold by the other. Never did a couple more lovingly
+agree together than did this pair at first, insomuch that
+duck and lamb were the ordinary terms he bestowed upon
+her; whereupon a wit of the town hearing this loving<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[340]</a></span>
+language betwixt them, made this epigram to be read by
+any that can understand it.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Poor Robin thinks his wife excels most dames,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And calls her duck and lamb, with such kind names,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">A duck's a bird, a lamb's a beast we know,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Poor Robin's wife's a foul beast then I trow.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin served one of his Companions a
+Slovenous Trick.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Robin having set up for himself (as you have heard),
+he would oftentimes travel abroad in the country to get
+acquaintance amongst the gentry. It happened one time,
+being belated homeward, and his brain intoxicated with the
+juice of Bacchus, that he took up his quarters in a country
+ale-house, where notwithstanding he had gotten a lusty jug
+before, yet fell he to drinking of beer and cider, as if his
+belly was bottomless; at last growing sleepy he went to
+bed, where it was his chance to be lodged in the same
+chamber where one of his acquaintances was already in bed,
+who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the next
+morning was he no sooner got up providing a pot and toast
+ready against poor Robin arose, but a foul mischance befel
+poor Robin in the meantime, for the wine, beer, and cider
+not agreeing in his belly, he very mannerly, sir-reverence
+vomited on the bed. Whereupon not knowing what to do,
+and being loth to be discredited, a crotchet came into his
+crown, which he presently put in execution. He takes
+the dirty sheets from off his own bed, and lays them on his
+friend's, and then takes his and lays them on his own bed,
+so spreading the coverlet as if nothing was amiss, he makes
+himself ready and downstairs he goes. No sooner was he
+below but his friend arrests him at Mr. Fox's suit, and by
+all means would make him pay his groat for being drunk.
+Poor Robin excused himself as well as he could, and would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[341]</a></span>
+be judged by the landlord whether he was fuddled or no;
+whilst they were wrangling about paying the groat, the maid
+went up into the chamber to make the beds; but finding one
+of them in a pitiful pickle, she came chafing down, calling
+the man beastly fellow and nasty knave, with other Billingsgate
+language, such as came first to her tongue's end. The
+man thought her mad, thus to scold for nothing, till at last
+she told him plainly he had vomited the bed. "Nay,"
+quoth poor Robin, "I will be judged by my landlord which
+of us was most fuddled last night." "Truly," said the host,
+"I can judge no otherwise but that he was, or he would
+not have played such a nasty trick." Whereupon it was
+judged by all the company that the man should pay his
+groat, and poor Robin got free.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Of a sad Disaster that befel Poor Robin.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>It happened on a time, during the late unhappy wars, that
+all the Essex Trainband were assembled at Walden, to
+resist the king's forces, who, in a bravado, had made their
+excursions as far as Huntingdon. Amongst other military
+weapons of destruction, they brought a drake, which they
+planted under poor Robin's chamber-window, to be shot off
+at nine o'clock at night, for a warning for all people to
+repair home. Poor Robin and his wife were at that time
+newly gone to bed; now it is to be understood, the chamber
+where they lay went out half over the room below, a rail of
+about four feet high being set up by the side to keep them
+from falling, close by the rail was poor Robin's bed. But
+whilst they were going to sleep, the drake was shot off,
+which poor Sarah, his wife, hearing, with the fright gave a
+sudden start, and threw poor Robin quite over the rail into
+the room below. Poor Robin was much bruised in body and
+half dead. At length he got up, but his courage was so
+cooled with the greatness of his fall that he had more need
+of a doctor than a sleep.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[342]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Poor Sarah was cheated of her Mutton Pie.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Sarah on a time made a very great pie, into which
+she had put a whole loin of mutton besides other things, so
+that it was valued worth five or six shillings at least. This
+pie she sent to the common oven to bake, which, being perceived
+by three or four merry blades, they resolved, if they
+could possibly, to cheat her of the pie, which at last they
+brought to pass on this manner. At such time as the baker
+used to draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a
+tale, whilst the other sent one of her neighbour's boys to the
+baker's with a pail, a napkin, and money to pay for the
+baking. The baker mistrusting no knavery, delivered the
+boy the pie, which was presently carried to the next ale-house,
+whether inviting some more of their companions unto
+them, with much mirth and laughter; and because the jest
+should be publicly known they set the crier to work, who
+published the same in every corner of the town.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin ate Dog-stones instead of Lamb-stones.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>As Poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than fish, so of
+all sorts of flesh he loved a dish of lamb-stones best. A
+merry disposed companion knowing his appetite, resolved to
+put a trick upon him. A gentleman of the town who kept
+a pack of hounds, having gelt his dogs, he gets the stones,
+and with a few sweet breads presents them to poor Robin as
+a dainty dish. Poor Robin very thankful for so great kindness
+would not stay, but presently had them dressed, making
+all the haste he could, for fear any should come in to be
+partakers with him in his dinner. But having eaten them,
+and understood the truth, he fell a-spewing as if his gall
+would come up with it. Poor Sarah, in like manner, disgorged
+her stomach, so that who should have seen them,
+would have concluded them drunk with eating.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[343]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>A witty Jest that Poor Robin gave a Sergeant.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>The Blue Regiment of Train-Soldiers being on a time at
+Walden, one of the sergeants, to show his bravery, had
+gotten a great blue scarf about his middle, being as much
+or more than the ensign had in his colours. Poor Robin
+thinking him too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer
+upon him, and calling him, asked if he wanted any work?
+"Why," said the sergeant, "what makes you ask?" "Pray
+your pardon," quoth poor Robin, "I was mistaken in you,
+I took you for a shoemaker, because you had gotten your
+blue apron before you."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin won Five Shillings by kissing his
+Hostess.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Robin, with some other of his mates, being drinking
+in an ale-house, where was an exceeding tall hostess, one of
+them offered to lay five shillings (because Poor Robin was
+low) that he should not kiss her as he stood on the ground.
+Poor Robin accepted the challenge, and covered the money.
+But when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not reach
+higher than her apron string. Whereupon dropping a
+shilling on the ground he made her stoop to lift it, then he
+clasped his arms round her neck, gave her a kiss, and so won
+the wager.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's sayings of Ambitious Men.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Robin, being in company with some gentlemen who
+were talking of the ambition of some men now-a-days, that
+would venture the loss of their souls for the possession of a
+kingdom: "Yea," quoth poor Robin, "but the success of
+many of them is far different from King Saul's, for he
+seeking asses found a kingdom, and they seeking a kingdom
+find themselves to be asses."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[344]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's Journey to London.</i></div>
+
+<p>Poor Robin having never been in London in his life, and
+being very desirous to see the city whose fame rang so loud
+in every man's mouth, he resolved to make a jonrney
+thither, and spend some time in viewing the rarities of the
+same; but because he was unacquainted with the city customs,
+he got a companion of his to go along with him. No
+sooner were they past Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such
+a number of signs, he whispered with his friend, "Certainly,"
+quoth he, "they must needs be all drunkards that live in
+this place. I never saw so many ale-houses together in my
+life." And thereupon beckoning to his companion, enters
+one of the shops and calls for a jug of beer; but they making
+him acquainted with his error, how they sold no drink, but
+if he wanted anything else they could furnish him with it.
+He presently without any studying asks them to show him
+a pair of hedging gloves, whereupon changing their opinion,
+instead of a fool they took him for a jeering companion;
+and to fit him for his gloves had him to the pump and
+soundly bedrenched him from head to foot. And having
+occasion to go through Birching Lane, and being asked by
+the salesmen, "Countrymen, what lack you?" "Marry,"
+quoth he, "that which I fear you cannot furnish me
+withal," and being importuned of them to know what it was:
+"Why," quoth he, "that which you have none of I want,
+honesty." Night approaching, poor Robin and his walking
+mate repaired to their inn, where, after they had supped and
+drunk five or six jugs of beer with the host of the house,
+and some of his men (for inn-keeper's servants drink most
+of their beer at other men's cost), his friend loving no tobacco,
+and poor Robin desiring the heathenish weed to pass away
+the time, they agreed among themselves that every one of the
+company should either tell a tale or sing a song. Poor Robin,
+who first mentioned the same, beginning in this manner.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[345]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>A Tale of a Pair of Cards.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Not many ages since a parson of a country village was
+accused to a committee that he was a great gamester at
+cards, being so addicted thereunto that he would ofttimes
+play on Sundays. The committee thus informed, sent for
+the parson to answer this accusation; who receiving the
+warrant made no excuse nor delay, but with all haste made
+his appearance before them; with him also came the informer
+to justify his accusation. Being thus met together,
+the committee began to reprove the parson for being
+addicted to such a vice, as to be noted for a common player
+at cards. "Indeed," said the parson, "I am so far from it,
+that I know not what a pair of cards meaneth." "Sir,"
+quoth the informer, "if you please to search his pockets, I
+believe you will find a pair there at present, for he seldom
+goeth without such tackling." Whereupon the committee
+commanding his pocket to be searched, they found a pair of
+cards there indeed, but the parson denied them to be cards,
+saying, "They may be cards to you, but to me they are an
+almanack." And being demanded how he could make it
+appear, he answered thus: "First," quoth he, "here is
+as many suits of cards as there be quarters in a year,
+and as many court cards as there be months in a year, and
+as many cards as there be weeks in a year, and as many
+spots as there be days in a year. Then when I look upon
+the king it puts me in mind of the allegiance that I owe to
+my sovereign lord the king; looking upon the queen puts me
+in mind of the allegiance that I owe to the queen; the ten
+puts me in mind of the Ten Commandments; the nine, of
+the nine muses; the eight, of the eight altitudes; the
+seven, of the seven liberal sciences; the six, of six days
+we ought to labour in; the five, of the five senses; the four,
+of the four evangelists; the three, of the Trinity; the two,
+of the two sacraments; and the ace, that we ought to wor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[346]</a></span>ship
+but one God." Quoth the committee, "If this be all
+the use you make of them we can find no fault with you.
+But Mr. Parson, of all the cards you have nominated, you
+have forgot the knave; pray, what use make you of him?"
+"O sir," said he (pointing to his accuser), "that is your
+worship's informer."</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Robin having ended his tale," says his friend, "I
+suppose that was the same parson that used to read his
+litany every day of the week excepting Sunday, and I being
+constant hearer of him, learnt it as perfectly as my pater
+noster."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's Litany.</i></div>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From being turned out of doors,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From town-rats, and ale-house scores,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From lowsie queans and pocky bores,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From tailors' bills and drapers' books,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From sluttish maids and nasty cooks,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From froward wives and crabbed looks,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From breaking pipes and broken glasses,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From drinking healths and drunken asses,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From lying lubbers and lisping lasses,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">;<i>Libera nos.</i></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From paying of lawyers' fees,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From mouldy bread and musty cheese,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From trotting jades and scorning shes,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From fetters, chains, bolts, and gyves,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From pointless needles and broken knives,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From thievish servants and drunken wives,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[347]</a></span><br />
+
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From tailors' bodkins and butchers' pricks,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From tenpenny nails and headless spikes,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And from attorneys' knavish tricks,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From being taken in disguise,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From believing of a poet's lies,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And from the devil and the excise,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">5<i>Libera nos.</i></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">From brown bread and small beer,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From being taken stealing deer,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From all that hath been named here,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i5">5<i>Quesemus te.</i></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The litany being ended the tapster comes for his reckoning,
+but poor Robin made answer that he should do as the
+rest had done, either tell a tale or sing a song. Says he,
+"Sing I cannot, but I will tell you how they marry in
+Scotland, as a Scotch priest told me that lay here, and got
+me to engage for him to my master for twenty shillings,
+and he running away, I was forced to pay his score for him."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XV.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>A Scotch Marriage.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>We don't use to wad in Scotland as you wad in England.
+Jockey comes to the kirk and takes Sir Donkyn by the rocket,
+and says, "Good morn, Sir Donkyn." "What's the matter,
+Jockey, what's the matter?" "A wadding, a wadding,"
+says he, "don't you see the hoppers and the skippers, and
+all the lads of the gang?" "I'se don't, I'se come to you
+belyve." Then Sir Donkyn gangs to the kirk, "I spee and
+I spee, wha a deil do you spee; Jockey of the high lane,
+and Jenny of the long cliff; if any know why these twa
+may not be wadded together, let them now speak or hold their
+tongue in the deil's name. Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to
+thy wadded wife? I say, Jockey, say after me, Jockey<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[348]</a></span>
+wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy wadded wife, forsaking all
+loons, lubberloons, swing-bellied calves, black lips, and blue
+noses? Ay, forsooth. If these twa be not as well wadded
+as e'er I wadded twa these seven years, the deil and St.
+Andrew part them."</p>
+
+<p>The wedding being ended, all the company went to bed,
+where we will leave them till the next morning, to relate
+poor Robin's perambulation about the city.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XVI.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's perambulation about the City.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>No sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the eastern horizon,
+but poor Robin, shaking off melancholy sleep, roused his
+companion to prepare himself for their intended perambulation;
+and having armed themselves with a pot of nappy
+ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal Exchange, a
+most magnificent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham.
+From thence they went to take a view of Leadenhall, but
+the exceeding bravery of the Exchange had so dimmed the
+beauty of the place, that it was nothing pleasing to poor
+Robin's eye. He made no tarrying there, but went presently
+down to the Tower, where having seen the lions, and from
+the wharf taken a superficial view of the bridge, as also the
+ships upon the river Thames, he became weary of beholding
+so many surprising objects. He had, however, far more content
+in seeing the ships, so admirably pleasing to his fancy
+it was to see how these little pretty things hopped about.
+But lest he should take a surfeit with such ravishing
+delights, his friend persuaded him to go to see the ancient
+cathedral of St. Paul's, being at present made a horse-guard
+by the soldiers, which poor Robin beholding, "What a
+blessed reformation," quoth he, "have we here! For in our
+country we can scarce persuade men to go to church, but
+here come men and horses too." Having satisfied himself
+with the sight of St. Paul's, they would in the next place go<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[349]</a></span>
+to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at term
+time, where, beholding so great a number of lawyers in their
+gowns, he cried out, "Oh, let us begone from this place, for
+if two or three make such a quarrel in our town, certainly
+there is no abiding here for men in their wit." A country
+gentleman overhearing him, "I remember," quoth he, "once
+I heard a story of a man that went down to hell, wherein he
+beheld men of all professions, ages, and conditions, saving
+only lawyers, which made him the more to wonder, because
+he imagined them all there, and asking the devil the reason,
+he made this reply, 'We have them here though you see
+them not, but we are forced to keep them in a room by
+themselves lest they should set all the devils in hell at
+variance.'" Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale,
+and having now satisfied his inn, and having discharged all
+reckonings, his friend and he returned home.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XVII.</span></h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Many odd Whimsies and Conceits of Poor Robin.</i></div>
+
+
+<p>Poor Robin daily frequenting the tavern and ale-house had
+learned of his companions many drunken whimsies and
+other odd conceits, as the five properties that belong to an
+host, that he must have the head of a stag, the bag of a
+nag, the belly of a hog, skip up and down like a frog, and
+fawn like a dog. As also the four ingredients whereof a
+woman's tongue is made, viz.: The sound of a great bell, the
+wagging of a dog's tail, the shaking of an aspen leaf tempered
+with running water.</p>
+
+<p>When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it
+oftentimes happened, he would then be playing the poet,
+and nothing but rhymes could then come out of his mouth;
+for as one writes:</p>
+
+<p>
+Poet and pot doth differ but one letter,<br />
+And that makes poets love the pot the better.<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[350]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Amongst other of his conceits, this following comparison
+was much used by him:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Like a purse that hath no chink in't,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Or a cellar and no drink in't,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Like a jewel never worn,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Or a child untimely born,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Like a song without a foot,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Or a bond and no hand to't,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Such doth she seem unto mine eyes,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That lives a virgin till she dies.<br /><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">The money doth entice the purse,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The drink in the cellar quencheth thirst,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The jewel decks, if worn it is,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The child soon dies, abortive is;<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The end o' the song doth sweetest sound,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The hand doth make the party bound.<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">So she that marries e'er death takes her,<br /><br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Answers that for which Nature makes her.<br /><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>"Women," said he, "are all extremes, either too willing,
+or too wilful; too forward or too froward; too courteous or
+too coy; too friendly or too fiendly." This made Arminius,
+a ruler in Carthage, refuse to marry, saying, "If I marry a
+wife, she will be wilful; if wealthy, then wanton; if poor,
+then peevish; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then
+loathsome; and the least of these is able to plague a thousand
+men."</p>
+
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">The End.</span></h3>
+
+<h5>PRINTED BY ROBERT MACLEHOSK, GLASGOW.</h5>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+
+<p>Transcriber's Notes:</p>
+
+<p>Punctuation has been normalized.</p>
+<p>Hyphenation has been made consistent.</p>
+<p>Bonaparte is spelled three ways, two are in dialect, left as is.</p>
+<p>Page 18, changed "yoeman" to "yeoman" (The yeoman replied:)</p>
+<p>Page 19, changed "tiil" to "til" (merry til my wife)</p>
+<p>Page 149, changed "the mall" to "them all" (tell them all;)</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
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+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/36517.txt b/36517.txt
new file mode 100644
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--- /dev/null
+++ b/36517.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,12862 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Amusing Prose Chap Books
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: R. H. Cunningham
+
+Release Date: June 25, 2011 [EBook #36517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMUSING PROSE CHAP BOOKS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Feorag NicBhride, Ron Stephens, David Garcia
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/American
+Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                  AMUSING
+
+             PROSE CHAP-BOOKS
+
+           _Chiefly of Last Century_
+
+                 EDITED BY
+          ROBERT HAYS CUNNINGHAM
+
+       LONDON: HAMILTON, ADAMS, & CO
+        GLASGOW: THOMAS D. MORISON
+                   1889
+
+
+
+
+
+  EDITORIAL NOTE.
+
+
+Of late years there has been a largely increasing interest on the
+subject of folklore in its various departments. In such respects there
+has been a very considerable change in the feelings and tastes of the
+educated middle-class population of this country, from what there was
+several generations ago. Formerly the educated classes appeared to think
+that anything relating to the tastes or ideas of the common people was
+of very little interest. And in the course of some two hundred years
+back, leaving out the present time, the number of writers who thought it
+worth their while to deal with such topics were not much more than a
+dozen in number, including such men as Aubrey, Bourne, Brand, Hone,
+Strut, Halliwell, etc. Now, all that is changed, and it has been
+discovered that much of extreme interest can be learned from the
+superstitions, habits, beliefs, tastes, customs, ideas, amusements, and
+general social life of the uneducated or lower classes of previous
+times.
+
+Not the least interesting or least important of the many sources from
+which information on these and similar matters, can be obtained, is that
+of the _people's_ earliest popular literature--namely, the chap-book.
+Beginning at little after the commencement of the eighteenth century,
+and continuing for over a hundred years afterwards, right up to the
+general introduction and use of cheap magazines and cheap newspapers,
+the chap-book was almost the only kind of reading within the reach of
+the poorer portion of the nation.
+
+What adds greatly both to the interest attaching to the chap-book
+literature and to its importance, is the fact, that these literary
+productions, if they may be so termed, were almost entirely written by
+the people themselves; that is, they were written by the people for the
+people. This fact intensifies the conviction that they give a true and
+unvarnished description of the lower orders and their ways. Then, as
+now, every district had its proportion of local geniuses, who had a gift
+above their fellows in the matter of storytelling, or some other such
+way. And in many instances these narratives became chap-books, and were
+printed and reprinted times without number at the various printing
+establishments over the country devoted to business of that description.
+
+With regard to this feature in chap-book literature already referred
+to--namely, that it was composed by the people for the people, and thus
+gives a true portraiture of many features in their social life--still
+more may be said. It being the case that not a few of those who hawked
+these cheap volumes over the country were themselves the authors of some
+of them, and in the composition of the chaps, to a considerable extent,
+just reproduced circumstances, incidents, and narratives that they had
+met with in their wanderings over the country.
+
+To a very marked degree was this the case in the most prominent of all
+the Scottish chap-book writers--namely, Dougal Graham. See his works,
+two volumes octavo, collected and edited by George MacGregor in 1883. It
+would appear that at an early period of Graham's peregrinations he
+accompanied Prince Charlie's army in 1745-46 throughout its various
+fortunes, pursuing his trade as a hawker of sundry articles that might
+be in demand by the prince's retainers. After that event was over,
+Graham continued the calling of hawker and chapman, at the same time
+becoming the author of a number of chap-books. But after a while he got
+a step or two further on; for, finding such an immense demand for his
+extremely amusing, though coarse, volumes, he ultimately set up a
+printing press of his own, for the purpose of producing his chaps and
+supplying the chapmen with them, by whom they were spread broadcast over
+the country. The knowledge of such instances as this lends much
+additional value to the chap-book, as containing a forcible description
+of the social life and ideas of the masses in former times.
+
+A slight study of this department of literature will show that there
+was, then as now, much variety in the tastes of the people. And we also
+find that in this respect the various tastes could be fairly well met
+from among the stores of the chap-book publisher. In these days, just as
+at the present time, there had been any amount of enterprise on the part
+of authors and publishers in furnishing readers with whatever their
+fancy might desire. The _Litteratura Vulgi_ may be fairly well divided
+into the following or similar classifications:--Historical,
+biographical, religious, romantic, poetical, humorous, fabulous,
+supernatural, diabolical, legendary, superstitious, criminal,
+jest-books, etc.
+
+The strictly religious appear to be the fewest in number. The
+supernatural and the superstitious elements appear to have been more in
+demand, as the supply of such classes seems to have been greater,--in
+these days the marvellous had evidently very great charms. The romantic
+likewise had been in great request,--the old romances handed down from
+the days long before printing was invented continued up till last
+century to be of undiminished interest. Also, from the number of
+poetical chaps that have come down to us, it is evident that the demand
+for them had been great all over the country. The most popular of all,
+however, appears to have been the humorous section, which again might be
+subdivided into a variety of departments, each with numerous
+representatives. The love of fun and frolic was apparently as deeply
+implanted in the feelings and tastes of previous generations as of the
+present.
+
+Printing establishments devoted to the production of chap-books were
+pretty well scattered all over the country. In England the principal
+places appear to have been London, York, Birmingham, and Newcastle. In
+Scotland, the towns of Glasgow, Stirling, Falkirk, and Montrose appear
+to have carried off the palm in that respect. In Ireland there had been
+few places besides Dublin and Belfast.
+
+The immense volume of business done in the production of the chap-book,
+and its importance as an article of trade all over the country, has been
+a matter of surprise; and the more one investigates into the facts of
+the case, the more is one impressed with the magnitude of the
+institution. It appears to have given employment to many thousands of
+chapmen and printers' employees. As an instance of the profits derivable
+from the business as an article of trade, one publisher of chap-books,
+and that not in an especially large way, is known to have retired with
+accumulated profits amounting to L30,000, which in these days would
+represent a much larger sum than it does now.
+
+Notwithstanding the immense quantities of chap-books circulated
+broadcast over the country, comparatively early copies are now extremely
+rare. And the desire on the part of the public for their possession is
+now so great that about sixty times their original price is readily
+given--that is, what originally was sold for one penny, now frequently
+fetches five shillings, and sometimes more.
+
+In the present collection, which is chiefly of last century, the reader
+will find considerable variety, containing as it does interesting
+specimens of several classes or divisions of the popular literature,
+mostly, however, of an amusing and humorous nature; and from the perusal
+of the majority of the chaps herein contained, a good deal of
+entertainment may be derived.
+
+As a companion volume, it is the Editor's intention to issue shortly a
+collection of AMUSING POETICAL CHAP-BOOKS.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+   THE COMICAL HISTORY OF THE                              PAGE
+   KING AND THE COBBLER
+
+   Containing the Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+   played by the Cobbler, how he got acquainted with the King,
+   became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after,         13
+
+   THE MERRY TALES OF THE
+   WISE MEN OF GOTHAM,                                       23
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   THOMAS HICKATHRIFT,                                       35
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   JACK THE GIANT-KILLER
+
+   Containing his Birth and Parentage; His Meeting with the
+   King's Son; His Noble Conquests over many Monstrous
+   Giants; and his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he afterwards
+   married,                                                  53
+
+   SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES
+   AND HIS
+   WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY
+
+   Which began the very next Morning after their Marriage,   69
+
+   THE ADVENTURES OF
+   BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,
+
+   Who was for more than forty years King of the Beggars,    78
+
+   THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF
+   PADDY FROM CORK
+
+   With his Coat Buttoned behind, being an Elegant Conference
+   between English Tom and Irish Teague; with Paddy's
+   Catechism, and his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor,   95
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   DICK WHITTINGTON
+   AND HIS CAT,                                             117
+
+   THE MAD PRANKS OF
+   TOM TRAM,
+
+   Son in Law to Mother Winter; to which are added his Merry
+   Jests and Pleasant Tales,                                127
+
+   A YORK DIALOGUE BETWEEN
+   NED AND HARRY:
+
+   Or Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship and Marriage
+   State,                                                   141
+
+   DANIEL O'ROURKE'S WONDERFUL
+   VOYAGE TO THE MOON.                                      150
+
+   MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET
+   NEWLY BROKE OPEN;
+
+   Containing Rare Secrets of Nature and Art, tried and experienced
+   by Learned Philosophers, and recommended to all ingenious
+   young men and maids, teaching them, in a natural way, how
+   to get good wives and husbands. Approved by several that
+   have made trial of them; it being the product of forty-nine
+   years' study. By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King,
+   a lover of Mirth but a hater of Treason. In Two Parts,   159
+
+   THE COMICAL HISTORY OF THE
+   COURTIER AND TINKER,                                     178
+
+   THE HISTORY OF THE
+   FOUR KINGS
+
+   Of Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland, their
+   Queens and Daughters; being the Merry Tales of Tom
+   Hodge and his School-Fellows,                            187
+
+   THE PENNY
+   BUDGET OF WIT
+   AND PACKAGE OF DROLLERY,                                 200
+
+   THE MERRY CONCEITS OF
+   TOM LONG THE CARRIER,
+
+   Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which he observed
+   in his Travels. Full of Honest Mirth and Delight,        219
+
+   THE STORY OF
+   BLUE BEARD
+
+   Or the Effects of Female Curiosity,                      230
+
+   THE LIFE OF
+   MANSIE WAUCH
+
+   Tailor in Dalkeith,                                      236
+
+   THE LIFE AND ASTONISHING ADVENTURES OF
+   Peter Williamson
+
+   Who was carried off when a Child from Aberdeen and sold for a
+   Slave,                                                   254
+
+   THE FAMOUS EXPLOITS OF
+   ROBIN HOOD,
+   LITTLE JOHN, AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL,
+
+   Including an Account of his Birth, Education, and Death, 269
+
+   HISTORY OF
+   DR. FAUSTUS
+
+   Showing his wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+   to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+   what he pleased, also many strange things done by him with
+   the assistance of
+
+   MEPHISTOPHELES,
+
+   With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+   twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces,               286
+
+   THE WHOLE LIFE AND DEATH OF
+   LONG MEG
+
+   Of Westminster,                                          299
+
+   THE FAMOUS HISTORY OF THE LEARNED
+   FRIAR BACON
+
+   Giving a Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage, with the
+   many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime, to the
+   amazement of all the World,                              309
+
+   THE HISTORY OF
+   THE BLIND BEGGAR
+   OF BETHNAL GREEN,
+
+   Containing his Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars
+   and Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+   how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her being
+   Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind Beggar
+   dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the Knight and the
+   Beggar's Daughter being Married; and, lastly, how the
+   famous Pedigree of the Beggar was discovered, and other
+   Things worthy of Note,                                    324
+
+   THE PLEASANT HISTORY OF
+   POOR ROBIN
+   THE MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN
+
+   Showing the Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+   and how he Tricked a Rich Miser, etc. Very diverting for
+   a Winter Evening Fireside,                               337
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    AMUSING PROSE CHAP-BOOKS.
+
+                     THE COMICAL HISTORY
+
+                          OF THE
+
+                     KING AND THE COBBLER
+
+                        CONTAINING
+
+   The Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+                   played by the Cobbler
+            How he got acquainted with the King,
+       became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _How King Henry VIII. used to visit the watches in the city
+             and how he became acquainted with a
+                       merry, jovial cobbler._
+
+
+It was the custom of King Henry the Eighth to walk late in the night
+into the city disguised, to observe and take notice how the constables
+and watch performed their duty, not only in guarding the city gates, but
+also in diligently watching the inner parts of the city, that so they
+might, in a great measure, prevent those disturbances and casualties
+which too often happen in great and populous cities in the night; and
+this he did oftentimes, without the least discovery who he was,
+returning home to Whitehall early in the morning.
+
+Now, on his return home through the Strand, he took notice of a certain
+cobbler who was constantly up at work whistling and singing every
+morning. The king was resolved to see him and be acquainted with him, in
+order to which he immediately knocks the heel off his shoe by hitting it
+against a stone, and having so done, he bounced at the cobbler's stall.
+
+"Who's there?" cries the cobbler.
+
+"Here's one," cries the king. With that the cobbler opened the stall
+door, and the king asked him if he could put the heel on his shoe.
+
+"Yes, that I can," says the cobbler; "come in, honest fellow, and sit
+thee down by me and I will do it for thee straight," the cobbler
+scraping his awls and old shoes to one side to make room for the king to
+sit down.
+
+The king being hardly able to forbear laughing at the kindness of the
+cobbler, asked him if there was not a house hard by that sold a cup of
+ale and the people up.
+
+"Yes," said the cobbler, "there is an inn over the way, where I believe
+the folks are up, for the carriers go from thence very early in the
+morning."
+
+With that the king borrowed an old shoe off the cobbler and went over to
+the inn, desired the cobbler would bring his shoe to him thither as soon
+as he had put on the heel again. The cobbler promised he would; so
+making what haste he could to put on the heel, he carries it over to the
+king, saying, "Honest blade, here is thy shoe again, and I warrant thee
+it will not come off in such haste again."
+
+"Very well," says the king; "what must you have for your pains?"
+
+"A couple of pence," replied the cobbler.
+
+"Well," said the king, "seeing thou art an honest merry fellow, there is
+a tester for thee; come, sit down by me, I will drink a full pot with
+thee; come, here's a good health to the king."
+
+"With all my heart," said the cobbler, "I'll pledge thee were it in
+water."
+
+So the cobbler sat down by the king and was very merry, and drank off
+his liquor very freely; he likewise sung some of his merry songs and
+catches, whereat the king laughed heartily and was very jocund and
+pleasant with the cobbler, telling him withal that his name was Harry
+Tudor, that he belonged to the court, and that if he would come and see
+him there, he would make him very welcome, because he was a merry
+companion, and charged him not to forget his name, and to ask any one
+for him about the court and they would soon bring him to him; "For,"
+said the king, "I am very well known there."
+
+Now the cobbler little dreamt that he was the king that spake to him,
+much less that the king's name was Harry Tudor. Therefore, with a great
+deal of confidence, he stands up and puts off his hat, makes two or
+three scrapes with his foot and gives the king many thanks, also telling
+him that he was one of the most honest fellows he ever met with in all
+his lifetime, and although he never had been at court, yet he should not
+be long before he would make a holiday to come and see him.
+
+Whereupon the king paying for what they had drunk, would have taken his
+leave of the cobbler; but he, not being willing to part with him, took
+hold of his hand and said, "By my faith you must not go, you shall not
+go, you shall first go and see my poor habitation. I have there a tub of
+good brown ale that was never tapped yet, and you must go and taste it,
+for you are the most honest blade I ever met withal, and I love an
+honest merry companion with all my heart."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How the cobbler entertained the king in his cellar, and
+         of the disturbance they had like to have had
+                      by his wife Joan._
+
+
+So the cobbler took the king with him over the way, where he had his
+cellar adjoining the stall, which was handsomely and neatly furnished
+for a man of his profession. Into the cellar he took the king. "There,"
+said he, "sit down, you are welcome; but I must desire you to speak
+softly, for fear of waking my wife Joan, who lies hard by (showing the
+king a close bed made neatly up at one corner of the cellar, much like a
+closet), for if she should wake she will make our ears ring again."
+
+At which speech of the cobbler the king laughed and told him he would be
+mindful and follow his directions.
+
+Whereupon the cobbler kindled up a fire and fetched out a brown loaf,
+from which he cut a lusty toast, which he sat baking at the fire; then
+he brought out his Cheshire cheese. "Now," says he, "there is as much
+fellowship in eating as in drinking."
+
+Which made the king admire the honest freedom of the cobbler. So having
+eaten a bit the cobbler began. "A health to all true hearts and merry
+companions;" at which the king smiled, saying, "Friend, I'll pledge
+thee."
+
+In this manner they ate and drank together till it was almost break of
+day; the cobbler being very free with his liquor, and delighting the
+king with several of his old stories, insomuch that he was highly
+pleased with the manner of his entertainment; when, on a sudden, the
+cobbler's wife Joan began to awake. "I'faith," says the cobbler, "you
+must begone, my wife Joan begins to grumble, she'll awake presently, and
+I would not for half the shoes in my shop she should find you here."
+
+Then taking the king by the hand, he led him up the stairs, saying,
+"Farewell, honest friend, it shan't be long before I make a holiday to
+come and see thee at court."
+
+"Thou shalt be kindly welcome," replied the king.
+
+So they parted, the king on his way to Whitehall and the cobbler to his
+cellar, and there putting all things to rights before his wife Joan got
+up, he went to work again, whistling and singing as merry as he used to
+be, being much satisfied that he happened on so good and jovial a
+companion, still pleasing himself in his thoughts how merry he should be
+when he came to court.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+     _How the cobbler prepared himself to go to court and how
+                he was set out in the best manner
+                         by his wife Joan._
+
+
+Now as soon as the king came home, he sent out orders about the court,
+that if any one inquired for him by the name of Harry Tudor, they should
+immediately bring him before him, whatever he was, without any further
+examination.
+
+The cobbler thought every day a month till he had been at court to see
+his new acquaintance, and was troubled how he should get leave of his
+wife Joan, for he could not get without her knowledge, by reason he did
+resolve to make himself as fine as he could, for his wife always keeped
+the keys of his holiday clothes; whereupon one evening, as they sat at
+supper, finding her in a very good humour, he began to lay open his mind
+to her, telling her the whole story of their acquaintance, repeating it
+over and over again, that he was the most honest fellow that ever he met
+withal. "Husband," quoth she, "because you have been so ingenious as to
+tell me the whole truth, I will give you leave to make a holiday, for
+this once you shall go to court, and I will make you as fine as I can."
+
+So it was agreed that he should go to court the next day; whereupon
+Joan rose betime the next morning to brush up her husband's holiday
+clothes and make him as fine as she could. She washed and ironed the
+lace-band, and made his shoes shine that he might see his face in them;
+having done this she made her husband rise and pull off his shirt. Then
+she washed him with warm water from head to foot, putting on him a clean
+shirt; afterwards she dressed him in his holiday clothes, pinning his
+laced band in prim.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _The cobbler's reception at court with the manner of his
+                     behaviour before the king._
+
+
+The cobbler being thus set forth, he strutted through the street like a
+crow in a gutter, thinking himself as fine as the best of them all.
+
+In this manner he came to the court, staring on this body and on that
+body as he walked up and down, and not knowing how to ask for Harry
+Tudor. At last he espied one as he thought, in the habit of a
+servant-man, to whom he made his address, saying--
+
+"Dost thou hear, honest fellow, do you know one Harry Tudor who belongs
+to the court?"
+
+"Yes," said the man, "follow me and I will bring you to him."
+
+With that he had him presently up into the guard chamber, telling one of
+the yeomen of the guard there was one that inquired for Harry Tudor.
+
+The yeoman replied: "I know him very well; if you please to go along
+with me, I'll bring you to him immediately."
+
+So the cobbler followed the yeoman, admiring very much the prodigious
+finery of the rooms which he carried him through. He thought within
+himself that the yeoman was mistaken in the person whom he inquired for;
+for, said he, "He whom I look for is a plain, merry, honest fellow, his
+name is Harry Tudor; we drank two pots together not long since. I
+suppose he may belong to some lord or other about the court?"
+
+"I tell you, friend," replied the yeoman, "I know him very well, do you
+but follow me and I shall bring you to him instantly."
+
+So going forward, he came into the room where the king was accompanied
+by several of his nobles, who attended him.
+
+As soon as the yeoman had put up by the arras, he spoke aloud, "May it
+please your majesty, here is one that inquires for Harry Tudor."
+
+The cobbler hearing this, thought he had committed no less than treason,
+therefore he up with his heels and ran for it; but not being acquainted
+with the several turnings and rooms through which he came, he was soon
+overtaken and brought before the king, whom the cobbler little thought
+to be the person he inquired after, therefore in a trembling condition
+he fell down on his knees, saying--
+
+"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I am a poor
+cobbler, who inquired for one Harry Tudor, who is a very honest fellow;
+I mended the heel of his shoe not long since, and for which he paid me
+nobly and gave me two pots to boot; but I had him afterwards to my
+cellar, where we drank part of a cup of nappy ale and we were very merry
+til my wife Joan began to grumble, which put an end to our merriment for
+that time; but I told him I would come to the court and see him as soon
+as conveniently I could."
+
+"Well," said the king, "don't be troubled, would you know this honest
+fellow again if you could see him?"
+
+The cobbler replied, "Yes; that I will among a thousand."
+
+"Then," said the king, "stand up and be not afraid, but look well about
+you, peradventure you may find the fellow in this company."
+
+Whereupon the cobbler arose and looked wistfully upon the king and the
+rest of the nobles, but it was to little or no purpose; for, though he
+saw something in the king's face which he thought he had seen before,
+yet he could not be Harry Tudor, the heel of whose shoe he had mended
+and who had been so merry a companion with him at the inn and at his own
+cellar.
+
+He therefore told the king he did not expect to find Harry Tudor among
+such fine folks as he saw there, but that the person he looked for was a
+plain, honest fellow. Adding withal, that he was sure that did Harry
+Tudor but know he was come to court, he would make him very welcome,
+"For," says the cobbler, "when we parted he charged me to come to court
+soon and see him, which I promised I would, and accordingly I have made
+a holiday on purpose to have a glass with him."
+
+At which speech of the cobbler's the king had much ado to forbear
+laughing out, but keeping his countenance as steady as he could before
+the cobbler, he spoke to the yeoman of the guard.
+
+"Here," said he, "take this honest cobbler down into my cellar and let
+him drink my health, and I will give orders that Harry Tudor shall come
+to him presently."
+
+So away they went, the cobbler being fit to leap out of his skin for
+joy, not only that he had come off so well, but that he should see his
+friend Harry Tudor.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _The cobbler's entertainment in the king's cellar._
+
+
+The cobbler had not been long in the king's cellar, before the king came
+to him in the same habit that he had on when the cobbler mended his
+shoe; whereupon the cobbler knew him immediately and ran and kissed him,
+saying, "Honest Harry, I have made an holiday on purpose to see you, but
+I had much ado to get leave of my wife Joan, who was loath to lose so
+much time from my work; but I was resolved to see you and therefore I
+made myself as fine as I could; but I'll tell thee, Harry, when I came
+to court I was in a peck of troubles how to find you out; but at last I
+met with a man who told me he knew you very well and that he would bring
+me to you, but instead of doing so he brought me before the king, which
+almost frightened me out of my seven senses; but faith, I'm resolved to
+be merry with you now, since I have met you at last."
+
+"Aye, that we shall," replied the king; "we shall be as merry as
+princes."
+
+Now after the cobbler had drunk about four or five good healths, he
+began to be merry and fell a-singing his old songs and catches, which
+pleased the king very much and made him laugh heartily.
+
+When on a sudden several of the nobles came into the cellar,
+extraordinary rich in apparel, and all stood uncovered before Harry
+Tudor, which put the cobbler into great amazement at first, but
+presently recovering himself, he looked more wistfully upon Harry Tudor,
+and soon knowing him to be the king, whom he saw in his presence
+chamber, though in another habit, he immediately fell upon his knees
+saying--
+
+"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I am a poor
+honest cobbler and mean no harm."
+
+"No, no," said the king, "nor shall receive any here, I assure you."
+
+He commanded him therefore to rise and be merry as he was before, and,
+though he knew him to be the king, yet he should use the same freedom
+with him as he did before, when he mended the heel of his shoe.
+
+This kind speech of the king's and three or four glasses of wine made
+the cobbler be in as good humour as before, telling the king several of
+his old stories and singing some of his best songs, very much to the
+satisfaction of the king and all his nobles.
+
+
+
+
+    THE COBBLER'S SONG IN THE KING'S CELLAR.
+
+
+    Come let us drink the other pot,
+      Our sorrows to confound;
+    We'll laugh and sing before the king,
+      So let his health go round.
+    For I am as bold as bold can be,
+      No cobbler e'er was ruder;
+    Then here, good fellow, here's to thee,
+      (Remembering Harry Tudor.)
+
+    When I'm at work within my stall,
+      Upon him I will think;
+    His kindness I to mind will call,
+      Whene'er I eat or drink.
+    His kindness was to me so great,
+      The like was never known,
+    His kindness I shall still repeat,
+      And so shall my wife Joan.
+
+    I'll laugh when I sit in my stall,
+      And merrily will sing;
+    That I with my poor last and awl,
+      Am fellow with the king.
+    But it is more I must confess,
+      Than I at first did know;
+    But Harry Tudor, ne'ertheless,
+      Resolves it shall be so.
+
+    And now farewell unto Whitehall,
+      I homeward must retire;
+    To sing and whistle in my stall,
+      My Joan will me desire.
+    I do but think how she shall laugh,
+      When she hears of this thing,
+    That he that drank her nut-brown ale,
+      Was England's Royal King.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How the cobbler became a courtier._
+
+
+Now the king considering the pleasant humour of the cobbler, how
+innocently merry he was and free from any design; that he was a person
+that laboured very hard, and took a great deal of pains for a small
+livelihood, was pleased, out of his princely grace and favour, to allow
+him a liberal annuity of forty merks a year, for the better support of
+his jolly humour and the maintenance of his wife Joan, and that he
+should be admitted one of his courtiers, and that he might have the
+freedom of his cellar whenever he pleased.
+
+Which being so much beyond expectation, did highly exalt the cobbler's
+humour, much to the satisfaction of the king.
+
+So after a great many legs and scrapes, he returned home to his wife
+Joan, with the joyful news of his reception at court, which so well
+pleased her that she did not think much at the great pains she took in
+decking him for the journey.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                   THE MERRY TALES
+
+                       OF THE
+
+                  WISE MEN OF GOTHAM.
+
+
+    TALE I.
+
+There were two men of Gotham, and one of them was going to Nottingham
+market to buy sheep, and both met together on Nottingham bridge. "Well
+met," said one to the other; "whither are you going?" said he that came
+from Nottingham. "Marry," said he that was going thither, "I am going to
+the market to buy sheep." "Buy sheep!" said the other, "which way will
+you bring them home?" "Marry," said the other, "I will bring them over
+this bridge." "By Robin Hood," said he that came from Nottingham, "but
+thou shalt not." "By my maid Margery," said the other, "but I will."
+"You shall not," said the one. "I will," said the other. Then they beat
+their staves one against the other and then against the ground, as if a
+hundred sheep had been betwixt them. "Hold there," said the one. "Beware
+of my sheep leaping over the bridge," said the other. "I care not," said
+the one. "They shall all come this way," said the other. "But they shall
+not," said the one. "Then," said the other, "if thou makest much ado, I
+will put my finger in thy mouth." "A groat thou wilt," said the other.
+And as they were in contention, another wise man that belonged to
+Gotham, came from the market with a sack of meal on his horse, and
+seeing his neighbours at strife about sheep and none betwixt them, said
+he, "Ah! fools, will you never learn wit? Then help me," continued he,
+"to lay this sack upon my shoulder." They did so and he went to the side
+of the bridge and shook out the meal into the river, saying, "How much
+meal is there in my sack, neighbour?" "Marry," said one, "there is
+none." "Indeed," replied this wise man, "even so much wit is there in
+your two heads, to strive for what you have not." Now which was the
+wisest of these three I leave thee to judge.
+
+
+    TALE II.
+
+There was a man of Gotham that rode to the market with two bushels of
+wheat, and, lest his horse should be damaged by carrying too great a
+burden, he was determined to carry the corn himself upon his own neck,
+and still kept riding upon his horse till he arrived at the end of his
+journey. I will leave you to judge which was the wisest, his horse or
+himself.
+
+
+    TALE III.
+
+On a time the men of Gotham fain would have pinned in the cuckoo that
+she might sing all the year, and in the midst of the town they had a
+hedge made round in compass, and got a cuckoo and put her into it, and
+said, "Sing here and thou shalt lack neither meat nor drink all the
+year." The cuckoo, when she found herself encompassed by the hedge, flew
+away. "A vengeance on her," said these wise men, "we did not make our
+hedge high enough."
+
+
+    TALE IV.
+
+There was a man of Gotham who went to Nottingham market to sell cheese,
+and going down the hill to Nottingham bridge, one of his cheeses fell
+out of his wallet and ran down the hill. "Prithee," said the man, "can
+you run to the market alone? I'll now send one after another." Then
+laying his wallet down and taking out the cheeses, he tumbled them down
+the hill one after another. Some ran into one bush and some into
+another. He charged them, however, to meet him at the market place. The
+man went to the market to meet the cheeses and staying till the market
+was almost over, then went and inquired of his neighbours if they saw
+his cheeses come to the market. "Why, who should bring them?" says one.
+"Marry, themselves," said the fellow, "they knew the way very well. A
+vengeance on them, they ran so fast I was afraid they would run beyond
+the market; I am sure they are by this time as far as York." So he
+immediately rode to York, but was much disappointed. And to add to it he
+never found nor heard of one of his cheeses.
+
+
+    TALE V.
+
+A man of Gotham bought, at Nottingham market, a trevet of bar iron, and
+going home with it his feet grew weary with the carriage. He set it
+down and seeing it had three feet said, "Prithee, thou hast three feet
+and I but two; thou shalt bear me home if thou wilt," so he set himself
+down upon it and said to it, "Bear me as long as I have done thee, for
+if thou dost not thou shalt stand still for me." The man of Gotham saw
+his trevet would not move. "Stand still," said he, "in the mayor's name
+and follow me if thou wilt and I can show you the right way." When he
+went home his wife asked where the trevet was. He said it had three legs
+and he had but two and he had taught him the ready way to his house,
+therefore he might come himself if he would. "Where did you leave the
+trevet?" said the woman. "At Gotham bridge," said he. So she immediately
+ran and fetched the trevet herself, otherwise she must have lost it on
+account of her husband's want of wit.
+
+
+    TALE VI.
+
+
+A certain smith of Gotham had a large wasp's nest in the straw at the
+end of the forge, and there coming one of his neighbours to have his
+horse shod, and the wasps being exceeding busy the man was stung by one
+of them. The man, being grievously affronted, said, "Are you worthy to
+keep a forge or not, to have men stung with these wasps?" "O neighbour,"
+said the smith, "be content, and I will put them from their nest
+presently." Immediately he took a coulter and heated it red hot, and
+thrust it into the straw at the end of his forge, and set it on fire and
+burnt it up. Then, said the smith, "I told thee I'd fire them out of
+their nest."
+
+
+    TALE VII.
+
+On Good Friday the men of Gotham consulted together what to do with
+their white herrings, sprats, and salt fish, and agreed that all such
+fish should be cast into a pond or pool in the midst of the town, that
+the number of them might increase the next year. Therefore everyone that
+had any fish left did cast them immediately into the pond. "Then," said
+one, "I have gotten left so many red herrings." "Well," said another,
+"and I have left so many whitings." Another cried out, "I have as yet
+gotten so many sprats left." "And," said the last, "I have gotten so
+many salt fishes, let them go together in the great pond, without any
+distinction, and we may be sure to fare like lords the next year." At
+the beginning of the next Lent, they immediately went about drawing the
+pond, imagining they should have the fish, but were much surprised to
+find nothing but a great eel. "Ah!" said they, "a mischief on this eel,
+for he hath eaten up our fish." "What must we do with him?" said one.
+"Chop him in pieces," said another. "Nay, not so," said another; "but
+let us drown him." "Be it accordingly so," replied they all. So they
+went immediately to another pond and cast the eel into the water. "Lay
+there," said these wise men, "and shift for thyself, since you may not
+expect help from us." So they left the eel to be drowned.
+
+
+    TALE VIII.
+
+On a time the men of Gotham had forgotten to pay their rents to their
+landlord; so one said to the other, "To-morrow must be pay-day, by whom
+can we send our money?" So one said, "I have this day taken a hare and
+she may carry it, for she is very quick-footed." "Be it so," replied the
+rest; "she shall have a letter and a purse to put our money in, and we
+can direct her the way." When the letter was written and the money put
+into a purse, they tied them about the hare's neck, saying, "You must
+first go to Loughborough and then to Leicester, and at Newark is our
+landlord; then commend us to him and there is his due." The hare, as
+soon as she got out of their hands, ran quite a contrary way. Some said,
+"Thou must first go to Loughborough." Others said, "Let the hare alone,
+for she can tell a nearer way than the best of us, let her go."
+
+
+    TALE IX.
+
+A man of Gotham, that went mowing in the meadow, found a large
+grasshopper. He instantly threw down his scythe and ran home to his
+neighbour and said that the devil was at work in the field, and was
+hopping among the grass. Then was every man ready with their clubs,
+staves, halberts, and other weapons to kill the grasshopper. When they
+came to the place where the grasshopper was, said one to the other, "Let
+every man cross himself from the devil, for we will not meddle with
+him." So they returned again and said, "We are blest this day that we
+went no farther." "O, ye cowards!" said he that left the scythe in the
+meadow, "help me to fetch my scythe." "No," answered they, "it is good
+to sleep in a whole skin. It is much better for thee to lose thy scythe
+than to mar us all."
+
+
+    TALE X.
+
+On a certain time there were twelve men of Gotham that went to fish;
+some waded in the water and some stood on dry land. In going home, one
+said to the other, "We have ventured wonderfully in wading, I pray God
+that none of us did come from home to be drowned." "Nay, marry," said
+one to the other, "let us see that, for there did twelve of us come
+out." Then they told themselves and every one told eleven. Said the one
+to the other, "There is one of us drowned." Then they went back to the
+brook where they'd been fishing, and sought up and down for him that was
+drowned, making a great lamentation. A courtier coming by asked what it
+was they sought for and why they were sorrowful. "Oh," said they, "this
+day we went to fish in the brook; twelve of us came out together and one
+is drowned." The courtier said, "Tell how many there be of you." One of
+them told eleven, but he did not tell himself. "Well," said the
+courtier, "what will you give me and I will find the twelfth man?" "All
+the money we have got," said they. "Give me the money," said he. He
+began with the first and gave him a stroke over the shoulders with his
+whip, that made him groan, saying, "Here is one," and so he served them
+all, and they groaned at the matter. When he came to the last, he paid
+him well, saying, "Here is the twelfth man." "God's blessings on thee,"
+said they, "for finding our brother."
+
+
+    TALE XI.
+
+A man of Gotham, riding along the highway, saw a cheese, so drew his
+sword and pricked it with the point in order to pick it up. Another man
+who came by alighted, picked it up and rode away with it. The man of
+Gotham rides to Nottingham to buy a long sword to pick up the cheese,
+and returning to the place where it did lie, he pulled out his sword,
+pricked the ground and said, "If I had had but this sword I should have
+had the cheese myself, but now another has come before me and got it."
+
+
+    TALE XII.
+
+A man in Gotham that did not love his wife, and she having fair hair he
+said divers times he would cut it off, but durst not do it when she was
+awake, so he resolved to do it when she was asleep; therefore, one night
+he took a pair of shears and put them under his pillow, which his wife
+perceiving, said to her maid, "Go to bed to my husband to-night, for he
+intends to cut off my hair; let him cut off thy hair and I will give
+thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst see." The maid did so and
+feigned herself asleep, which the man perceiving, cut off her hair,
+wrapped it about the shears, and laying them under the pillow, fell
+asleep. The maid arose and the wife took the hair and shears and went to
+the hall and burnt the hair. The man had a fine horse that he loved, and
+the good wife went into the stable, cut off the hair of the horse's
+tail, wrapped the shears up in it and laid them under the pillow again.
+Her husband, seeing her combing her head in the morning, marvelled
+thereat. The girl, seeing her master in a deep study, said, "What ails
+the horse in the stable, he has lost his tail?" The man ran into the
+stable and found the horse's tail was cut off; then going to the bed, he
+found the shears wrapped up in his horse's tail. He then went to his
+wife, saying, "I crave thy mercy, for I intended to cut off thy hair,
+but I have cut off my own horse's tail." "Yea," said she, "self do self
+have." Many men think to do a bad turn, but it turneth oftimes to
+themselves.
+
+
+    TALE XIII.
+
+A man of Gotham laid his wife a wager that she could not make him a
+cuckold. "No," said she, "but I can." "Do not spare me," said he, "but
+do what you can." On a time she had hid all the spigots and faucets, and
+going into the buttery, set a barrel of broach, and cried to her spouse,
+"Pray, bring me a spigot and faucet or else the ale will all run out."
+He sought up and down but could not find one. "Come here then," said
+she, "and put thy finger in the tap-hole." Then she called a tailor with
+whom she made a bargain. Soon after she came to her husband and brought
+a spigot and a faucet, saying, "Pull thy finger out of the tap-hole,
+good cuckold. Beshrew your heart for your trouble," said she, "make no
+such bargain with me again."
+
+
+    TALE XIV.
+
+A man of Gotham took a young buzzard and invited four or five
+gentlemen's servants to the eating of it; but the wife killed an old
+goose, and she and two of her gossips ate up the buzzard, and the old
+goose was laid to the fire for the gentlemen's servants. So when they
+came the goose was set before them. "What is this?" said one of them.
+The goodman said, "A curious buzzard." "A buzzard! why it is an old
+goose, and thou art an knave to mock us," and so departed in great
+anger. The fellow was sorry that he had affronted them, and took a bag
+and put the buzzard's feathers in it; but his wife desired him, before
+he went, to fetch a block of wood, and in the interim she pulled out the
+buzzard's feathers and put in the goose's. The man, taking the bag, went
+to the gentlemen's servants and said, "Pray, be not angry with me, you
+shall see I had a buzzard, for here be the feathers." Then, he opened
+the bag and took out the goose's feathers; upon which one of them took a
+cudgel and gave him a dozen of stripes, saying, "Why, you knave, could
+you not be content to mock us at home, but you are come here to mock us
+also."
+
+
+    TALE XV.
+
+A man's wife of Gotham was brought to bed of a male child, and the
+father invited the gossips who were children of eight or ten years of
+age. The eldest child's name was Gilbert, the second's name was
+Humphrey, and the godmother was called Christabel. Their relations
+admonished them divers times, that they must all say after the parson.
+And when they were come to the church, the priest said, "Be you all
+agreed of the name?" "Gilbert, Humphrey, and Christabel," said the same.
+The priest then said, "Wherefore came you hither?" They immediately said
+the same. The priest being amazed could not tell what to say, but
+whistled and said, "Whey," and so did they. The priest being angry,
+said, "Go home, you fools, go home." Then Gilbert, Humphrey, and
+Christabel did the same. The priest then provided godfathers and
+godmothers himself.
+
+
+    TALE XVI.
+
+A young man of Gotham went a wooing a fair maid: his mother warned him
+beforehand, saying, "Whenever you look at her, cast a sheep's eye at
+her, and say, 'How dost thou, my sweet pigmy?'" The fellow went to a
+butcher and bought seven or eight sheep eyes. And when this lusty wooer
+was at dinner, he would look upon the fair wench and cast in her face a
+sheep's eye, saying, "How dost thou do, my sweet pigmy?" "How do I do,"
+said the wench; "swine's face, what do you mean by casting a sheep's eye
+at me?" "O! sweet pigmy, have at thee with another." "I defy thee,
+swine's face," said the wench. "What my sweet old pigmy, be content, for
+if you live to next year you will be a foul sow." "Walk, knave, walk,"
+said she, "for if you live till next year you will be a fool."
+
+
+    TALE XVII.
+
+There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and when the day of
+marriage was come they went to the church. The priest said, "Do you say
+after me." The man said "Do you say after me." The priest said, "Say not
+after me such like, but say what I shall tell you; thou dost play the
+fool to mock the holy scriptures concerning matrimony." The fellow said,
+"Thou dost play the fool to mock the holy scriptures concerning
+matrimony." The priest wist not what to say, but answered, "What shall I
+do with this fool?" and the man said, "What shall I do with this fool?"
+So the priest took his leave and would not marry them. The man was
+instructed by others how to do, and was afterwards married. And thus the
+breed of the Gothamites has been perpetuated even unto this day.
+
+
+    TALE XVIII.
+
+There was a Scotsman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took a house a little
+distance from London and turned it into an inn, and for his sign he
+would have a boar's head. Accordingly he went to a carver and said, "Can
+you make me a bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "Then," said he, "make
+me a bare head, and thou'se hae twenty shillings for thy hire." "I will
+do it," said the carver. On St. Andrew's day before Christmas (called
+Yule in Scotland) the Scot came to London for his boar's head. "I say,
+speak," said the Scotsman, "hast thou made me a bare head?" "Yes," said
+the carver. He went and brought a man's head of wood that was bare, and
+said, "Sir, there is your bare head." "Ay," said the Scot, "the meikle
+de'il! is this a bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "I say," said the
+Scotsman, "I will have a bare head like the head that follows a sow with
+gryces. What, fool, know you not a sow that will greet and groan and cry
+a-week, a-week." "What," said the carver, "do you mean a pig?" "Yes,"
+said the Scotsman, "let me have her head made of timber, and set on her
+a scalp and let her sing, 'Whip whire.'" The carver said he could not.
+"You fool," said he, "gar her as she'd sing whip whire."
+
+
+    TALE XIX.
+
+In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham were got into an
+ale-house, and said they were all profitable to their husbands. "Which
+way, good gossips?" said the ale-wife. The first said, "I will tell you
+all, good gossips, I cannot brew nor bake, therefore I am every day
+alike, and go to the ale-house because I cannot go to church; and in the
+ale-house I pray to God to speed my husband, and I am sure my prayers
+will do him more good than my labour." Then said the second, "I am
+profitable to my husband in saving of candle in winter, for I cause my
+husband and all my people to go to bed by daylight and rise by
+daylight." The third said, "I am profitable in sparing bread, for I
+drink a gallon of ale, and I care not much for meat." The fourth said,
+"I am loath to spend meat and drink at home, so I go to the tavern at
+Nottingham and drink wine and such other things as God sends me there."
+The fifth said, "A man will ever have more company in another's house
+than his own, and most commonly in the ale-house." The sixth said, "My
+husband has flax and wool to spare if I go to other folk's houses to do
+their work." The seventh said, "I spare my husband's wood and clothes,
+and sit all day talking at other folks' fires." The eighth said, "Beef,
+mutton, and pork are dear, I therefore take pigs, chickens, conies, and
+capons, being of a lesser price." The ninth said, "I spare my husband's
+soap, for instead of washing once a week, I wash but once a quarter."
+Then said the ale-wife, "I keep all my husband's ale from souring; for
+as I was wont to drink it almost up, now I never leave a drop."
+
+
+    TALE XX.
+
+On Ash Wednesday, the minister of Gotham would have a collection from
+his parishioners, and said unto them. "My friends, the time is come that
+you must use prayer, fasting, and alms, but come ye to shrift, I will
+tell you more of my mind, but as for prayer I don't think that two men
+in the parish can say their paternoster. As for fasting, ye fast still,
+for ye have not a good meal's meat in the year. As for alm-deeds, what
+should they give that have nothing? In Lent you must refrain from
+drunkenness and abstain from drink." "No, not so," said one fellow, "for
+it is an old proverb, 'That fish should swim.'" "Yes," said the priest,
+"they must swim in the water." "I crave thy mercy," quoth the fellow, "I
+thought it should have swam in fine ale, for I have been told so." Soon
+after the men of Gotham came to shrift, and being seven the priest knew
+not what penance to give. He said, "If I enjoin you to pray, you cannot
+say your paternoster. And it is but folly to make you fast, because you
+never eat a meal's meat. Labour hard and get a dinner on Sunday, and I
+will partake of it." Another man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and
+another on Tuesday, and another on Wednesday, and so on one after
+another, that one or other should fare well once in the week, that he
+might have part of their meat, on every day during the week. "And as for
+your alm-deeds," the priest said, "ye be but beggars all, except one or
+two, therefore bestow your alms on yourselves."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                 THOMAS HICKATHRIFT
+
+
+                   PART THE FIRST.
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Tom's Birth and Parentage._
+
+
+In the reign of William the Conqueror, having read in ancient records,
+there lived in the Isle of Ely, in Cambridgeshire, a man named Thomas
+Hickathrift, a poor labourer, yet he was an honest, stout man, and able
+to do as much work in a day as two ordinary men. Having only one son, he
+called him after his own name, Thomas. The old man put his son to
+school, but he would not learn anything.
+
+It pleased God to call the old man aside, and his mother being tender of
+her son, she maintained him by her own labour as well as she could; but
+all his delight was in the corner; and he ate as much at once as would
+serve five ordinary men.
+
+At ten years old he was near six feet high, and three in thickness; his
+hand was much like to a shoulder of mutton, and every other part
+proportionable; but his great strength was yet unknown.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Thomas Hickathrift's Great Strength Came to be Known._
+
+
+Tom's mother, being a poor widow, went to a rich farmer's house to beg a
+bundle of straw to shift herself and her son Thomas. The farmer, being
+an honest charitable man, bid her take what she wanted. She going home
+to her son Thomas, said, "Pray go to such a place, and fetch me a bundle
+of straw; I have asked leave." He swore he would not go. "Nay, prithee
+go," said the good old mother. He again swore he would not go, unless
+she would borrow him a cart rope. She being willing to please him, went
+and borrowed one.
+
+Then taking up the cart rope, away he went, and coming to the farmer's
+house, the master was in the barn, and two other men threshing.
+
+Said Tom, "I am come for a bundle of straw." "Tom," said the farmer,
+"take as much as thou can'st carry." So he laid down his cart rope, and
+began to make up his bundle.
+
+"Your rope, Tom," said they, "is too short," and jeered him. But he
+fitted the farmer well for his joke; for when he had made up his burden,
+it was supposed to be near a thousand weight. "But," said they, "what a
+fool thou art; for thou can'st not carry the tithe of it." But, however,
+he took up his burden, and made no more of it than we do of an hundred
+pounds weight, to the great astonishment of both master and men.
+
+Now Tom's strength beginning to be known in the town, they would not let
+him lie basking in the chimney corner, every one hiring him to work,
+seeing he had so much strength, all telling him it was a shame for him
+to lie idle as he did from day to day; so that Tom finding them bait at
+him as they did, went first to one to work and then to another.
+
+One day a man came to him, desiring him to bring a tree home. So Tom
+went with him and four other men.
+
+Now when they came to the wood they set the cart by the tree, and began
+to draw it by pulleys; but Tom seeing them not able to stir it, said,
+"Stand aside, fools," and so set on the one end, and then put it into
+the cart. "There," said he, "see what a man can do!" "Marry," said they,
+"that is true indeed."
+
+Having done, and coming through the wood, they met the woodman; and Tom
+asked him for a stick to make his mother a fire with.
+
+"Aye," says the woodman, "take one."
+
+So Tom took up a bigger than that on the cart, and putting it on his
+shoulder, walked home with it faster than the six horses in the cart
+drew the other.
+
+Now this was the second instance of Tom showing his strength; by which
+time he began to think that he had more natural strength than twenty
+common men, and from that time Tom began to grow very tractable; he
+would jump, run, and take delight in young company, and would ride to
+fairs and meetings, to see sports and diversions.
+
+One day going to a wake where the young men were met, some went to
+wrestling, and some to cudgels, some to throwing the hammer, and the
+like.
+
+Tom stood awhile to see the sport, and at last he joined the company in
+throwing the hammer: at length he took the hammer in his hand, and felt
+the weight of it, bidding them stand out of the way, for he would try
+how far he could throw it.
+
+"Ay," says the old smith, "you will throw it a great way, I warrant
+you."
+
+Tom took the hammer, and giving it a swing, threw it into a river four
+or five furlongs distant, and bid them go and fetch it out.
+
+After this Tom joined the wrestlers, and though he had no more skill
+than an ass, yet by main strength he flung all he grasped with; if once
+he but laid hold they were gone; some he threw over his head, and others
+he laid gently down.
+
+He did not attempt to look or strike at their heels, but threw them two
+or three yards from him, and sometimes on their heads, ready to break
+their necks. So that at last none durst enter the ring to wrestle with
+him, for they took him to be some devil among them.
+
+Thus was the fame of Tom's great strength spread more and more about the
+country.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Tom became a Brewer's Servant; how he killed a
+         Giant, and came to be called Mr. Hickathrift._
+
+
+Tom's fame being spread, no one durst give him an angry word; for being
+foolhardy, he cared not what he did, so that those who knew him would
+not displease him. At last a brewer of Lynn, who wanted a lusty man to
+carry beer to the Marsh and to Wisbeach, hearing of Tom, came to hire
+him; but Tom would not hire himself till his friends persuaded him, and
+his master promised him a new suit of clothes from top to toe, and also
+that he should be his man; and the master showed him where he should go,
+for there was a monstrous giant who kept part of the Marsh, and none
+dared to go that way; for if the giant found them he would either kill
+them or make them his servants.
+
+But to come to Tom and his master, Tom did more in one day than all the
+rest of his men did in three: so that his master seeing him so tractable
+and careful in his business, made him his head man, and trusted him to
+carry beer by himself, for he needed none to help him. Thus Tom went
+each day to Wisbeach, a journey of near twenty miles.
+
+Tom going this journey so often, and finding the other road the giant
+kept nearer by the half, and Tom having increased his strength by being
+so well kept, and improving his courage by drinking so much strong ale;
+one day as he was going to Wisbeach, without saying anything to his
+master or any of his fellow servants, he resolved to make the nearest
+road or lose his life; to win the horse or lose the saddle; to kill or
+be killed, if he met with this giant.
+
+Thus resolved, he goes the nearest way with his cart, flinging open the
+gates in order to go through; but the giant soon spied him, and seeing
+him a daring fellow, vowed to stop his journey and make a prize of his
+beer; but Tom cared not a groat for him, and the giant met him like a
+roaring lion, as though he would have swallowed him up.
+
+"Sirrah," said he, "who gave you authority to come this way? Do you not
+know that I make all stand in fear of my sight? and you, like an
+impudent rogue, must come and fling open my gates at pleasure. Are you
+so careless of your life that you do not care what you do? I will make
+you an example to all rogues under the sun. Dost thou not see how many
+heads hang upon yonder tree that have offended my laws? Thine shall hang
+higher than any of them all."
+
+"A tod in your teeth," said Tom, "you shall not find me like them."
+
+"No," said the giant; "why, you are but a fool if you come to fight me,
+and bring no weapon to defend thyself."
+
+Cries Tom, "I have got a weapon here that shall make you know I am your
+master."
+
+"Aye, say you so, sirrah," said the giant, and then ran to his cave to
+fetch his club, intending to dash his brains out at a blow.
+
+While the giant was gone for his club, Tom turned his cart upside down,
+taking the axle tree and wheel for his sword and buckler; and excellent
+weapons they were on such an emergency.
+
+The giant coming out again began to stare at Tom, to see him take the
+wheel in one of his hands and the axle tree in the other.
+
+"Oh, oh!" said the giant, "you are like to do great things with those
+instruments; I have a twig here that will beat thee, thy axle tree, and
+wheel to the ground."
+
+Now that which the giant called a twig was as thick as a mill post; with
+this the giant made a blow at Tom with such force as made his wheel
+crack.
+
+Tom, not in the least daunted, gave him as brave a blow on the side of
+the head, which made him reel again.
+
+"What," said Tom, "have you got drunk with my small beer already?" The
+giant recovering, made many hard blows at Tom; but still as they came he
+kept them off with his wheel, so that he received but very little hurt.
+
+In the meantime Tom plied him so well with blows that sweat and blood
+ran together down the giant's face, who, being fat and foggy, was almost
+spent with fighting so long, so begged Tom to let him drink, and then he
+would fight him again.
+
+"No," said Tom, "my mother did not teach me such wit. Who is fool then?"
+Whereupon, finding the giant grew weak, Tom redoubled his blows till he
+brought him to the ground.
+
+The giant, finding himself overcome, roared hideously, and begged Tom to
+spare his life and he would perform anything he should desire, even
+yield himself unto him and be his servant.
+
+But Tom, having no more mercy on him than a dog upon a bear, laid on him
+till he found him breathless, and then cut off his head, after which he
+went into his cave, and there found great store of gold and silver,
+which made his heart leap for joy.
+
+When he had rummaged the cave, and refreshed himself a little, he
+restored the wheel and axle tree to their places, and loaded his beer on
+his cart, and went to Wisbeach, where he delivered his beer, and
+returned home the same night as usual.
+
+Upon his return to his master, he told him what he had done, which,
+though he was rejoiced to hear, he could not altogether believe, till he
+had seen if it were true.
+
+Next morning Tom's master went with him to the place, to be convinced of
+the truth, as did most of the inhabitants of Lynn.
+
+When they came to the place they were rejoiced to find the giant quite
+dead; and when Tom showed them the head and what gold and silver there
+was in the cave, all of them leaped for joy; for the giant had been a
+great enemy to that part of the country.
+
+News was soon spread that Tom Hickathrift had killed the giant, and
+happy was he that could come to see the giant's cave; and bonfires were
+made all round the country for Tom's success.
+
+Tom, by the general consent of the country, took possession of the
+giant's cave and riches. He pulled down the cave, and built himself a
+handsome house on the spot. He gave part of the giant's lands to the
+poor for their common, and the rest he divided and enclosed for an
+estate to maintain him and his mother.
+
+Now Tom's fame was spread more and more through the country, and he was
+no longer called plain Tom, but Mr. Hickathrift, and they feared his
+anger now almost as much as they did that of the giant before.
+
+Tom now finding himself very rich, resolved his neighbours should be the
+better for it. He enclosed himself a park and kept deer; and just by his
+house he built a church, which he dedicated to St. James, because on
+that saint's day he killed the giant.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Tom kept a pack of Hounds, and of his being attacked
+                     by some Highwaymen._
+
+
+Tom not being used to such a stock of riches, could hardly tell how to
+dispose of it; but he used means to do it, for he kept a pack of hounds
+and men to hunt them; and who but Tom; he took much delight in sports
+and exercises, and he would go far and near to a merry making.
+
+One day as Tom was riding he saw a company at football, and dismounted
+to see them play for a wager; but he spoiled all their sport, for
+meeting the football, he gave it such a kick that they never found it
+more; whereupon they began to quarrel with Tom, but some of them got
+little good by it; for he got a spar, which belonged to an old house
+that had been blown down, with which he drove all opposition before
+him, and made a way wherever he came.
+
+After this, going home late in the evening, he was met by four
+highwaymen, well mounted, who had robbed all the passengers that
+travelled on that road.
+
+When they saw Tom, and found that he was alone, they were cock sure of
+his money, and bid him stand and deliver.
+
+"What must I deliver?" cries Tom. "Your money, sirrah," said they.
+"Aye," said Tom, "but you shall give me better words for it first, and
+be better armed too."
+
+"Come, come," said they, "we came not here to prate, but for your money,
+and money we must have before we go." "Is it so?" said Tom; "then get it
+and take it."
+
+Whereupon one of them made at him with a rusty sword, which Tom
+immediately wrenched out of his hand, and attacked the whole four with
+it, and made them set spurs to their horses; but seeing one had a
+portmanteau behind him, and supposing it contained money, he more
+closely pursued them, and soon overtook them and cut their journey
+short, killing two of them and sadly wounding the other two, who,
+begging hard for their lives, he let them go, but took away all their
+money, which was about two hundred pounds, to bear his expenses home.
+
+When Tom came home he told them how he had served the poor football
+players and the four thieves, which produced much mirth and laughter
+amongst all the company.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Tom, meets with a Tinker and of the Battle they Fought._
+
+
+Some time afterwards, as Tom was walking about his estate to see how his
+workmen went on, he met upon the skirts of the forest a very sturdy
+tinker, having a good staff on his shoulder and a great dog to carry his
+budget of tools. So Tom asked the tinker from whence he came and
+whither he was going, as that was no highway? Now the tinker being a
+very sturdy fellow, bid him go look, what was that to him? But fools
+must always be meddling.
+
+"Hold," said Tom, "before you and I part I will make you know who I am."
+
+"Aye," says the tinker, "it is three years since I had a combat with any
+man; I have challenged many a one, but none dare face me, so I think
+they are all cowards in this part of the country; but I hear there is a
+man lives hereabouts named Thomas Hickathrift, who has killed a giant,
+him I'd willingly see to have a bout with him."
+
+"Aye," said Tom, "I am the man. What have you to say to me?"
+
+"Truly," said the tinker, "I am very glad we are so happily met, that we
+may have one touch."
+
+"Surely," said Tom, "you are but in jest."
+
+"Marry," said the tinker, "but I am in earnest."
+
+"A match," said Tom.
+
+"It is done," said the tinker.
+
+"But," said Tom, "will you give me leave to get me a twig?"
+
+"Aye," said the tinker, "I hate him that fights with a man unarmed."
+
+So Tom stepped to a gate and took a rail for a staff. So to it they
+fell. The tinker at Tom, and Tom at the tinker, like two giants. The
+tinker had a leather coat on, so that every blow Tom gave him made it
+roar again, yet the tinker did not give way an inch till Tom gave him
+such a bang on the side of the head that felled him to the ground.
+
+"Now, tinker, where art thou?" said Tom. But the tinker being a nimble
+fellow, leaped up again, and gave Tom a bang, the which made him reel,
+and following his blows, took Tom on the other side, which made him
+throw down his weapon and yield the mastery to the brave tinker.
+
+After this Tom took the tinker home to his house, where we shall leave
+them to improve their acquaintance, and get themselves cured of the
+bruises they gave each other. And for a further account of the merry
+pranks of Tom and the tinker, the reader is referred to the Second Part,
+which is far more entertaining than this.
+
+
+
+
+                  PART THE SECOND.
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+
+    _Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker conquer Ten Thousand Rebels._
+
+
+In and about the Isle of Ely, many disaffected persons, to the number of
+ten thousand or upwards, drew themselves together in a body, pretending
+to contend for their rights and privileges, which they said had been
+greatly infringed; insomuch that the civil magistrates of the country
+thought themselves in great danger of their lives.
+
+Whereupon the sheriff by night came to the house of Mr. Thomas
+Hickathrift, as a secure place of refuge in so eminent a time of danger,
+where he laid open to Mr. Hickathrift the unreasonableness of the
+complaint of these rebels, and begged his protection and assistance.
+
+"Sheriff," said Tom, "what service my brother," meaning the tinker, "and
+I can perform shall not be wanting."
+
+This said, in the morning, by break of day, with trusty clubs, they both
+went out, desiring the sheriff to be their guide in conducting them to
+the place where the rebels were.
+
+When they came there, Tom and the tinker marched boldly up to the head
+of them, and demanded the reason why they disturbed the government? To
+which they replied, "That their will was their law, and by that only we
+will be governed."
+
+"Nay," said Tom, "if it be so, these are our weapons, and by them ye
+shall be chastised." These words were no sooner out of his mouth, but
+the tinker and he threw themselves both together into the crowd, where
+with their clubs they beat down all before them. Nay, remarkable it was,
+the tinker struck a tall man upon the neck with such force that his head
+flew off and was carried ten yards from him, and struck the chief leader
+with such violence as levelled him to the ground.
+
+Tom, on the other hand, pressing forward, beat down all before him,
+making great havoc, till by an unfortunate blow he broke his club; yet
+he was not in the least dismayed, for he presently seized a lusty,
+stout, raw-boned miller, and so made use of him for a weapon, till at
+last they cleared the field, that not one of them durst lift up their
+hand against them.
+
+Shortly after Tom took some of them and exposed them to public justice;
+the rest being pardoned at the request of Tom and the tinker.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker are sent for up to Court;
+                 and of their kind Entertainment._
+
+
+The king being truly informed of the faithful services performed by
+these his loving subjects, Tom Hickathrift and the tinker, he was
+pleased to send for them and the nobility.
+
+Now after the banquet the king said, "These are my trusty and
+well-beloved subjects, men of known courage and valour, who conquered
+ten thousand persons who were met together to disturb the peace of my
+realm.
+
+"According to the characters given of Thomas Hickathrift and Henry
+Nonsuch, persons here present, which cannot be matched in the world; all
+were it possible to have an army of 20,000 such, I durst immediately
+venture to act the part of great Alexander.
+
+"As a proof of my favour, kneel down and receive the order of
+knighthood, Mr. Hickathrift; and as for Henry Nonsuch I will settle upon
+him a reward of forty pounds a year during life."
+
+So said, the king withdrew, and Sir Thomas Hickathrift and Henry
+Nonsuch, the tinker, returned to their home. But, to the great grief of
+Sir Thomas Hickathrift, he found his mother dead and buried.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _Tom, after the Death of his Mother, goes a-wooing; and of
+        a Trick he served a Gallant, who had offended him._
+
+
+Tom's mother being dead, and he left alone in a spacious house, he found
+himself strange; therefore began to consider with himself that it would
+not be amiss to seek a wife; so, hearing of a rich and young widow in
+Cambridge, he goes to her and makes his addresses, and at the first
+coming she seemed to show him much favour; but between that and his
+coming again she gave entertainment to an airy, brisk, and young spark
+that happened to come in while Tom was there a second time.
+
+He looked very wistfully at Tom, and Tom stared as fiercely at him
+again; so at last the young spark began to abuse Tom with very
+affronting language, saying he was a lubberly welp and a scoundrel.
+
+"A scoundrel!" said Tom. "Better sayings would become you; and if you do
+not instantly mend your manners, you will meet with correction."
+
+At which the young man challenged him; so to the yard they went--the
+young man with his sword, and Tom with neither stick nor staff.
+
+Said the spark, "Have you nothing to defend yourself? Then I shall the
+sooner despatch you."
+
+So he made a pass at Tom, but that he butt by; and then, wheeling round
+unto his back, Tom gave him such a nice kick in the breech as sent the
+spark like a crow up in the air, whence he fell upon the ridge of a
+thatched house, and came down into a fish-pond, where he had certainly
+been drowned if it had not been for a poor shepherd, who was walking by
+that road, and, seeing him floating on the water, dragged him out with
+his hook, and home he returned like a drowned rat; whilst Tom enjoyed
+the kind embraces of his lady.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Tom served Two Troopers, whom the Spark had
+                    hired to beset him._
+
+
+Now the young gallant vexed himself to think how Tom had conquered him
+before his new mistress, so was resolved on speedy revenge, and, knowing
+he was not able to cope with Tom, he hired two lusty troopers, well
+mounted, to lie in ambush under a thicket, which Tom was to pass on his
+way home, and so accordingly they both attempted to set upon him.
+
+"How now, rascals!" said Tom; "what would you be at? Are you indeed so
+weary of your lives that you so unadvisedly set upon one who is able to
+crush you like a cucumber?" The two troopers, laughing at him, said they
+were not to be daunted at his high words. "High words!" said Tom; "nay,
+now I will come to action," and so ran between them, catching them in
+his arms, horses and men, as easy as if they had been but two baker's
+bavins.
+
+In this manner he steered homewards, but, as he passed through a company
+of haymakers, the troopers cried, "Stop him! stop him! He runs away with
+two of the king's troopers." But they laughed to see Tom hugging them,
+frequently upbraiding them for their baseness, saying he'd make mince
+meat of them for crows and jackdaws.
+
+This was a dreadful lecture to them, and the poor rogues begged he would
+be merciful to them, and they would discover the whole plot, and who was
+the person that employed them, which they accordingly did, and gained
+favour in the sight of Tom, who pardoned them on promise that they would
+never be concerned in so villainous an action as that was for the
+future.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Tom, going to be Married, is set upon by Twenty-one
+            Ruffians; and of the Havock he made._
+
+
+In regard Tom had been hindered hitherto by the troopers, he delayed his
+visit to his lady and love till the next day, and, coming to her, he
+gave her a full account of what had happened.
+
+She was much pleased at this relation, and received him with joy and
+satisfaction, knowing it was safe for a woman to marry with a man who
+was able to defend her against any assault whatever; and so brave a man
+as Tom was found to be.
+
+The day of marriage being appointed, and friends and relations invited,
+yet secret malice, which is never satisfied but with revenge, had like
+to have prevented it; for, having near three miles to go to church, the
+aforementioned gentleman had provided one-and-twenty ruffians to destroy
+Tom, for to put them to consternation.
+
+Howbeit, it so happened in a private place, all bolted out upon Tom, and
+with a spear gave him a slight wound, which made his sweetheart shriek
+out lamentably. Tom endeavoured to pacify her, saying, "Stand you still,
+and I will soon show you some pleasant sport."
+
+Here he catched hold of a broad-sword from the side of one of the
+company, and behaved so gallantly with it that at every stroke he took
+off a joint. He spared their lives, but lopped off their legs and arms,
+that in less than a quarter of an hour there was not one in the company
+but had lost a limb. The grass was all stained with a purple gore, and
+the ground was covered with legs and arms.
+
+His lover and the rest of the company were all this while standing by
+and admiring his valour, crying out, "O, what a sight of cripples has he
+made in a short time!"
+
+"Yes," said Tom, "I verily believe that for every drop of blood I have
+lost I have made the rascals pay me a limb, as a just tribute."
+
+This said, he steps to a farmer's house, and hired a servant, by giving
+him twenty shillings to carry the several cripples home to their
+respective habitations in his cart, and then posted to church with his
+love, when they were heartily merry with their friends after this
+encounter.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Tom provides a Feast for all the poor Widows in the
+         adjacent Towns; and how he served an Old
+              Woman who Stole a Silver Cup._
+
+
+Now Tom, being married, made a plentiful feast, to which he invited all
+the poor widows in the parish, for the sake of his mother, who had been
+lately buried.
+
+This feast was carried on with the greatest solemnity, and, being ended,
+a silver cup was missing, and being asked about it they all denied it.
+
+At last, all being searched, the cup was found on an old woman named
+Strumbelow. Then all the rest were in a rage; some were for hanging her,
+others for chopping the old woman in pieces for ingratitude to such a
+generous benefactor.
+
+But he entreated them all to be quiet, saying they should not murder a
+poor old woman, for he would appoint a punishment for her, which was
+this:--He bored a hole through her nose, and put a string in it, and
+then ordered her to be stripped; so commanding the rest of the old women
+to lead her through all the streets and lanes in Cambridge, which
+comical sight caused a general laughter.
+
+This being done, she had her clothes again, and so was acquitted.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Sir Thomas and his Lady are sent for up to Court;
+           and of what happened at that Time._
+
+
+Now, tidings of Tom's wedding was soon raised at court, insomuch that
+they had a royal invitation there, in order that the king might have a
+sight of his newly-married lady. Accordingly, they came, and were
+received with much joy and triumph.
+
+Whilst they were in the midst of their mirth news was brought the king
+by the Commons of Kent that a very dreadful giant was landed in one of
+the islands, and had brought with him a great number of bears, and also
+young lions, with a dreadful dragon, upon which he always rode, which
+said monster and ravenous beasts had much frighted all the inhabitants
+of the said island. And, moreover, they said, if speedy course was not
+taken to suppress them in due time, they would destroy the country.
+
+The king, hearing of this relation, was a little startled; yet he
+persuaded them to return home, and make the best defence they could for
+the present, assuring them that he would not forget them, and so they
+departed.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _Tom is made Governor of East Angles, now called the Isle
+          of Thanet; and of the wonderful Achievements
+                       he there performed._
+
+
+The king, hearing these dreadful tidings, immediately sat in council to
+consider what was best to be done for the conquering this giant and wild
+beasts.
+
+At length Tom Hickathrift was pitched upon as being a stout and bold
+subject, for which reason it was judged necessary to make him Governor
+of that island, which place of trust he readily accepted; and
+accordingly he went down with his wife and family to take possession of
+the same, attended by a hundred and odd knights and gentlemen at least;
+they taking leave of him, and wishing him all health and prosperity.
+
+Many days he had not been there before it was his fortune to meet this
+monstrous giant, for thus it was:--Sir Thomas, looking out at his own
+window, espied this giant mounted on a dreadful dragon, and on his
+shoulder he bore a club of iron. He had but one eye, which was in the
+middle of his forehead, and was as large as a barber's basin, and seemed
+like flaming fire, the hair of his head hanging down like snakes, and
+his beard like rusty wire.
+
+Lifting up his eye, he saw Sir Thomas, who was viewing him from one of
+the windows of the castle. The giant then began to knit his brows, and
+to breathe forth some threatening words to the Governor, who, indeed,
+was a little surprised at the approach of such a monstrous and
+ill-favoured brute.
+
+The monstrous giant, finding that Tom did not make much haste to get
+down to him, alighted from his dragon, and chained him to an oak tree,
+then marched to the castle, setting his broad shoulders against the
+corner of the wall as if he intended to overthrow the whole bulk of the
+building at once. Tom, perceiving it, said, "Is this the game you would
+be at? Faith, I shall spoil your sport, for I have a tool to pick your
+teeth with."
+
+He then took the two-handed sword the king gave him, down he went, and,
+flinging open the gate, he there finds the giant, who, by an unfortunate
+slip in his thrusting, was fallen along, and there lay, not able to
+defend himself.
+
+"How now!" said Tom; "do you come here to take up your lodging? This is
+not at all to be suffered." And with that he ran his long broad sword
+between the giant's tawny buttocks, and made the brute give a groan
+almost as loud as thunder.
+
+Then Sir Thomas, pulling out his sword again, and at six or seven blows
+he severed his head, which, when cut off, seemed like the root of a
+great oak; then, turning to the dragon, which was all this time chained
+to a tree, without any more ado, at a few blows cut off that also.
+
+This adventure being over, he sent for a waggon and horses, and loaded
+them with the heads, and then summoned all the constables of the county
+for a safeguard, and sent them to the court, with a promise to his
+Majesty that in a short time he would clear the island of all the bears,
+lions, etc., etc.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _The Tinker, hearing of Tom's Fame, he goes to his Partner;
+          and of his being unfortunately slain by a Lion._
+
+
+Tom's victories rang so loud that they reached the ears of his old
+acquaintance the tinker, who, being desirous of honour, resolved to go
+down and visit him in his government; and coming there he was kindly
+entertained.
+
+After a few days' pleasure, Tom told him he must go in search of some
+bears and lions in the island.
+
+"Then," said the tinker, "I will go with you."
+
+"With all my heart," said Tom, "for I must own I shall be glad of your
+company." On this they went forward--Tom with his great sword and the
+tinker with his pike staff.
+
+After they had travelled four or five hours, it was their fortune to
+meet all the wild beasts together, being in number fourteen, six of
+which were bears, the other eight young lions. When these creatures had
+set their eyes on them they ran furiously, as if they would have
+devoured them at a mouthful, but Tom and the tinker stood side by side,
+with their backs against an oak, until the lions and bears came within
+their reach. Tom, with his sword, clave all their heads asunder, until
+they were all destroyed, except one young lion, who, seeing the rest of
+his fellow-creatures dead, he was making his escape; but the tinker,
+being too venturous, ran hastily after him, and gave the lion a blow.
+The beast turned upon him, and seized him with such violence by the
+throat as soon ended his life.
+
+Tom's joy was now mingled with sorrow, for, though he had cleared the
+island of those ravenous beasts, yet his grief was intolerable for the
+loss of his friend.
+
+Home he returned to his lady, where, in token of joy for the success
+he'd had in his dangerous enterprizes, he made a very noble and
+splendid feast, to which he invited all his friends and acquaintances,
+and then made the following promises:--
+
+    "My friends, while I have strength to stand,
+      Most manfully I will pursue
+    All dangers, till I clear the land
+      Of lions, bears, and tigers too."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                     THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                        JACK
+
+                         THE
+
+                     GIANT-KILLER
+
+                     CONTAINING
+
+               His Birth and Parentage
+    His Meeting with the King's Son; His Noble
+        Conquests over many Monstrous Giants
+    And his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he
+                afterwards married.
+
+
+In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's-End of England, in the
+county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy farmer, who had only one son,
+commonly known by the name of Jack. He was brisk, and of a lively, ready
+wit, so that whatever he could not perform by strength he completed by
+wit and policy. Never was any person heard of that could worst him; nay,
+the learned he baffled by his cunning and ready inventions.
+
+For instance, when he was no more than seven years of age, his father
+sent him into the field to look after his oxen. A country vicar, by
+chance one day coming across the field, called Jack, and asked him
+several questions; in particular, "How many commandments were there?"
+Jack told him there were nine. The parson replied, "There are ten."
+"Nay," quoth Jack, "master parson, you are out of that; it is true there
+were ten, but you have broken one of them." The parson replied, "Thou
+art an arch wag, Jack." "Well, master parson," quoth Jack, "you have
+asked me one question, and I have answered it; let me ask you another.
+Who made these oxen?" The parson replied, "God." "You are out again,"
+quoth Jack, "for God made them bulls, but my father and his man Hobson
+made oxen of them." The parson, finding himself fooled, trudged away,
+leaving Jack in a fit of laughter.
+
+In those days the mount of Cornwall was kept by a huge and monstrous
+giant of 27 feet high and of 3 yards in compass, of a grim countenance,
+to the terror of all the neighbouring towns. His habitation was a cave
+in the midst of the mount; neither would he suffer any living creature
+to inhabit near him. His feeding was upon other men's cattle; for
+whensoever he had occasion for food he would wade over to the main land,
+where he would furnish himself with whatever he could find; for the
+people at his approach would forsake their habitations; then he would
+take their cows and oxen, of which he would make nothing to carry over
+on his back half a dozen at a time; and as for sheep and hogs, he would
+tie them round his waist. This he had for many years practised in
+Cornwall.
+
+But one day Jack, coming to the Town Hall, when the Magistrates were
+sitting in consternation about the giant, he asked what reward they
+would give to any person that would destroy him. They answered, "He
+shall have all the giant's treasure in recompense." Quoth Jack, "Then I
+myself will undertake the work."
+
+Jack furnished himself with a horn, a shovel, and a pick-axe, and over
+to the mount he goes in the beginning of a dark winter evening, where he
+fell to work, and before morning had digged a pit 22 feet deep, and as
+broad, and covered the same over with long sticks and straw; then
+strewed a little mould upon it, so that it appeared like the plain
+ground.
+
+This done, Jack places himself on the contrary side of the pit just
+about the dawning of the day, when, putting his horn to his mouth, he
+then blew, "Tan twivie, tan twivie," which unexpected noise roused the
+giant, who came roaring towards Jack, crying out, "You incorrigible
+villain, are you come hither to break my rest? You shall dearly pay for
+it; satisfaction I will have, and it shall be this--I will take you
+wholly and broil you for my breakfast," which words were no sooner out
+of his mouth but he tumbled headlong into the deep pit, whose heavy fall
+made the very foundation of the mount to shake.
+
+"Oh! giant, where are you now? Faith, you are got into Lobb's Pond,
+where I shall plague you for your threatening words. What do you think
+now of broiling me for your breakfast? Will no other diet serve you but
+poor Jack?" Thus having tantalized the giant for a while, he gave him a
+most weighty knock on the crown of his head with his pick-axe, so that
+he immediately tumbled down, gave a most dreadful groan, and died. This
+done, Jack threw the earth in upon him, and so buried him; then, going
+and searching the cave, he found a great quantity of treasure.
+
+Now, when the Magistrates who employed him heard the work was over, they
+sent for him, declaring that he should henceforth be called Jack the
+Giant-Killer. And in honour thereof, they presented him with a sword,
+together with a fine rich embroidered belt, on which these words were
+wrought in letters of gold--
+
+    "Here's the right valiant Cornish man
+    Who slew the giant Cormillan."
+
+The news of Jack's victory was soon spread; when another huge giant,
+named Blunderboar, hearing of it, vowed to be revenged on Jack if ever
+it was his fortune to light upon him. This giant kept an enchanted
+castle, situated in the midst of a lonesome wood. Now, Jack, about four
+months after, walking near the borders of the said wood, on his journey
+towards Wales, grew weary, and therefore sat himself down by the side of
+a pleasant fountain, where a deep sleep suddenly seized on him, at which
+time the giant coming for water, found him; and by the line on his belt
+knew him to be Jack that killed his brother; and, without any words,
+threw him upon his shoulder, to carry him to his enchanted castle.
+
+Now, as they passed through a thicket, the ruffling of the boughs awaked
+poor Jack, who, finding himself in the clutches of the giant, was
+strangely surprised; for, at the entering within the first walls of the
+castle, he beheld the ground all covered with bones and skulls of dead
+men, the giant telling Jack that his bones would enlarge the number that
+he saw. This said, he brought him into a large parlour, where he beheld
+the bloody quarters of some who were lately slain, and in the next room
+were many hearts and livers, which the giant, in order to terrify Jack,
+told him "that men's hearts and livers were the choicest of his diet,
+for he commonly ate them with pepper and vinegar, and he did not
+question but his heart would make him a dainty bit." This said, he locks
+up poor Jack in an upper room, while he went to fetch another giant
+living in the same wood, that he might partake in the destruction of
+poor Jack.
+
+Now, while he was gone, dreadful shrieks and cries affrighted poor Jack,
+especially a voice which continually cried--
+
+    "Do what you can to get away,
+    Or you'll become the giant's prey;
+    He's gone to fetch his brother, who
+    Will kill and likewise torture you."
+
+This dreadful noise so amazed poor Jack he was ready to run distracted.
+Seeing from the window afar off the two giants coming, "Now," quoth Jack
+to himself, "my death or deliverance is at hand."
+
+There were strong cords in the room by him, of which he takes two, at
+the end of which he makes a noose, and, while the giant was unlocking
+the gate, he threw the ropes over each of the heads, and, drawing the
+other end across the beam, he pulled with all his strength until he had
+throttled them; and then, fastening the rope to the beam, turning
+towards the window he beheld the two giants to be black in their faces.
+Sliding down by the rope, he came close to their heads, where the
+helpless giants could not defend themselves, and, drawing out his sword,
+slew them both, and delivered himself from their intended cruelty; then,
+taking out a bunch of keys, he unlocked the rooms, where he found three
+fair ladies, tied by the hair of their heads, almost starved to death,
+who told Jack that their husbands were slain by the giant, and that they
+were kept many days without food, in order to force them to feed upon
+the flesh of their husbands.
+
+"Sweet ladies," quoth Jack, "I have destroyed this monster, and his
+brutish brother, by which I have obtained your liberties." This said, he
+presented them with the keys of the castle, and so proceeded on his
+journey to Wales.
+
+Jack, having but very little money, thought it prudent to make the best
+of his way by travelling as fast as he could, but, losing his road, was
+benighted, and could not get a place of entertainment until he came to a
+valley placed between two hills, where stood a large house in a lonesome
+place. He took courage to knock at the gate, and to his great surprise
+there came forth a monstrous giant, having two heads; yet he did not
+seem so fiery as the others had been, for he was a Welsh giant, and what
+he did was by secret malice, for Jack telling his condition he bid him
+welcome, showing him a room with a bed in it, whereon he might take his
+night's repose; therefore Jack undressed himself, and, as the giant was
+walking to another apartment, Jack heard him mutter forth these words to
+himself--
+
+    "Though here you lodge with me this night,
+    You shall not see the morning light;
+    My club shall dash your brains out quite."
+
+"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "this is like your Welsh tricks; yet I
+hope to be cunning enough for you." Then getting out of bed he put a
+billet in his stead, and hid himself in a corner of the room; and in the
+dead time of the night the Welsh giant came with his great knotty club,
+and struck several heavy blows upon the head where Jack had laid the
+billet, and then returned to his own chamber, supposing he had broken
+all the bones in his body.
+
+In the morning Jack gave him hearty thanks for his lodging. The giant
+said to him, "How have you rested? Did you not feel something in the
+night?" "Nothing," quoth Jack, "but a rat which gave me three or four
+slaps with her tail." Soon after the giant arose and went to breakfast
+with a bowl of hasty pudding, containing nearly four gallons, giving
+Jack the like quantity, who, being loath to let the giant know he could
+not eat with him, got a large leathern bag, putting it very artfully
+under his loose coat, into which he secretly conveyed his pudding,
+telling the giant he could show him a trick; then, taking a large knife,
+he ripped open the bag, which the giant supposed to be his belly, when
+out came the hasty pudding, at which the Welsh giant cried, "Cotsplut,
+hur can do dat trick hurself." Then, taking his sharp knife, he ripped
+up his own belly from the bottom to the top; and out dropped his bowels,
+so that he fell down for dead. Thus Jack outwitted the giant, and
+proceeded on his journey.
+
+About this time King Arthur's son only desired of his father to furnish
+him with a certain sum of money, that he might go and seek his fortune
+in Wales, where a beautiful lady lived, whom he heard was possessed with
+seven evil spirits; but the king his father advised him utterly against
+it, yet he would not be persuaded of it; so he granted what he
+requested, which was one horse loaded with money, and another for
+himself to ride on; thus he went forth without any attendants.
+
+Now, after several days' travel, he came to a market town in Wales,
+where he beheld a large concourse of people gathered together. The
+king's son demanded the reason of it, and was told that they had
+arrested a corpse for many large sums of money which the deceased owed
+when he died. The king's son replied, "It is a pity that creditors
+should be so cruel; go bury the dead, and let his creditors come to my
+lodging, and their debts shall be discharged." Accordingly they came in
+great numbers, so that he left himself moneyless.
+
+Now, Jack the Giant-Killer being there, and, seeing the generosity of
+the king's son, he was taken with him, and desired to be his servant. It
+was agreed upon the next morning, when, riding out at the town-end, the
+king's son, turning to Jack, said, "I cannot tell how I will subsist in
+my intended journey." "For that," quoth Jack, "take you no care: let me
+alone; I warrant you we will not want."
+
+Now, Jack, having a spell in his pocket, which served at noon for a
+refreshment, when done, they had not one penny left betwixt them. The
+afternoon they spent in travel and discourse, till the sun began to grow
+low, at which time the king's son said, "Jack, since we have no money,
+where can we think to lodge this night?" Jack replied, "We'll do well
+enough, for I have an uncle living within two miles of this. He is a
+monstrous giant with three heads; he will fight 500 men in armour, and
+make them to fly before him." "Alas!" saith the king's son, "what shall
+we do there? He will certainly chop us both up at one mouthful!" "It is
+no matter for that," quoth Jack; "I will go before and prepare the way
+for you. Tarry here."
+
+He waits, and Jack rides full speed; when he came to the castle, he
+knocked with such a force that he made all the neighbouring hills to
+resound. The giant, with a voice like thunder, roared out, "Who's
+there?" He answered, "None but your own cousin Jack. Dear uncle, heavy
+news, God wot." "Prithee, what heavy news can come to me? I am a giant
+with three heads, and besides thou knowest I can fight five hundred
+men." "O! but," quoth Jack, "here's the king's son coming with 1,000 men
+to kill you." "Oh! Jack, this is heavy news indeed. I have a large vault
+under ground, where I will hide myself, and thou shalt lock, bolt, and
+bar me in, and keep the keys till the king's son is gone."
+
+Jack having secured the giant, he returned and fetched his master. They
+were both heartily merry with the wine and other dainties which were in
+the house; so that night they rested in very pleasant lodgings, whilst
+the poor uncle the giant lay trembling in the vault under ground.
+
+Early in the morning Jack furnished his master with a supply of gold and
+silver, and set him three miles forward on his journey, concluding he
+was then pretty well out of the smell of the giant, and then returned to
+let his uncle out of the hole, who asked Jack what he would give him in
+reward, since his castle was not demolished. "Why," quoth Jack, "I
+desire nothing but the old coat and cap, together with the old rusty
+sword and slippers which are at your bed-head." "Jack, thou shalt have
+them, and pray keep them for my sake, for they are things of excellent
+use. The coat will keep you invisible; the cap will furnish you with
+knowledge; the sword cuts asunder whatever you strike, and the shoes are
+of extraordinary swiftness: these may be serviceable to you, and
+therefore pray take them with all my heart." Jack takes them, thanking
+his uncle, and follows his master.
+
+Jack, having overtaken his master, soon after arrived at the lady's
+house, who, finding the king's son to be a suitor, prepared a banquet
+for him, and, being ended, she wiped his mouth with her napkin, saying,
+"You must show this to-morrow, or else lose your head," and she put it
+safely into her bosom.
+
+The king's son went to bed sorrowful, but Jack's cap of knowledge
+instructed him how to obtain it. In the middle of the night she called
+upon her familiar spirit to carry her to Lucifer. Jack put on his coat
+of darkness, with his shoes of swiftness, and was there as soon as her;
+by reason of his coat they could not see him. When she entered the place
+she gave the handkerchief to old Lucifer, who laid it carefully upon a
+shelf, from whence Jack brought it to his master, who showed it to the
+lady the next day.
+
+The next night she saluted the king's son, telling him he must show her
+to-morrow morning the lips that she kissed last this night, or lose his
+head. "Ah," replied he, "if you kiss none but mine I will." "It is
+neither here nor there," said she; "if you do not, death's your
+portion." At midnight she went as before, and was angry with Lucifer for
+letting the handkerchief go. "But now," said she, "I will be too hard
+for the king's son, for I will kiss thee, and he's to show thy lips."
+Jack, standing near him with his sword of sharpness, cut off the devil's
+head, and brought it under his invisible coat to his master, who was in
+bed, and laid it at the end of his bolster. In the morning, when the
+lady came up, he pulled it out by the horns, and showed her the devil's
+lips, which she kissed last.
+
+Thus, having answered her twice, the enchantment broke, and the evil
+spirits left her, at which time she appeared a beautiful and virtuous
+creature. They were married next morning in great pomp and solemnity,
+and returned with a numerous company to the court of King Arthur, where
+they were received with the greatest joy and loud acclamations Jack,
+for the many and great exploits he had done for the good of his country,
+was made one of the Knights of the Round Table.
+
+Jack, having resolved not to be idle, humbly requested of the king to
+fit him with a horse and money to travel, "for," said he, "there are
+many giants alive in the remotest parts of the kingdom, to the
+unspeakable damage of your Majesty's liege subjects; wherefore, may it
+please your Majesty to give me encouragement to rid the realm of these
+cruel and devouring monsters of nature, root and branch."
+
+Now, when the king had heard these noble propositions, and had duly
+considered the mischievous practices of these blood-thirsty giants, he
+immediately granted what Jack requested; and, being furnished with all
+necessaries for his progress, he took his leave of King Arthur, taking
+with him the cap of knowledge, sword of sharpness, shoes of swiftness,
+and likewise the invisible coat, the better to perfect and complete the
+dangerous enterprises that lay before him.
+
+Jack travelled over vast hills and mountains, when, at the end of three
+days, he came to a large and spacious wood, where, on a sudden, he heard
+dreadful shrieks and cries, whereupon, casting his eyes around, he
+beheld a giant rushing along with a worthy knight and his fair lady,
+whom he held by the hair of their heads in his hands, wherefore he
+alighted from off his horse, and then, putting on his invisible coat,
+under which he carried his sword of sharpness, he came up to the giant,
+and, though he made several passes at him, yet he could not reach the
+trunk of his body, by reason of his height, though it wounded his thighs
+in several places; but at length, giving him a swinging stroke, he cut
+off both his legs just below the knee, so that the trunk of his body
+made the ground shake with the force of his fall, at which the knight
+and the lady escaped; then had Jack time to talk with him, and, setting
+his foot upon his neck, said, "You savage and barbarous wretch, I am
+come to execute upon you the just reward of your villainy." And with
+that, running him through and through, the monster sent forth a hideous
+groan, and yielded up his life, while the noble knight and virtuous lady
+were joyful spectators of his sudden downfall and their own deliverance.
+
+This being done, the courteous knight and his fair lady returned him
+hearty thanks for their deliverance, but also invited him home, there to
+refresh himself after the dreadful encounter, as likewise to receive
+ample reward, by way of gratitude for his good service. "No," quoth
+Jack, "I cannot be at ease till I find out the den which was this
+monster's habitation." The knight hearing this waxed sorrowful, and
+replied, "Noble stranger, it is too much to run a second risk, for this
+monster lived in a den under yon mountain, with a brother of his, more
+fierce than himself; therefore, if you go thither and perish in the
+attempt, it would be the heartbreaking of both me and my lady. Let me
+persuade you to go with us." "Nay," quoth Jack, "if there were twenty I
+would shed the last drop of my blood before one of them should escape my
+fury; but when I have finished this task I will come and pay my respects
+to you." So, taking directions to their habitation, he mounted his
+horse, and went in pursuit of the deceased giant's brother.
+
+Jack had not rode past a mile before he came in sight of the cave's
+mouth, at the entrance of which he beheld the other giant sitting upon a
+huge block of timber, with a knotty iron club by his side, waiting for
+his brother's return with his cruel prey. His goggle eyes appeared like
+terrible flames of fire, his countenance grim and ugly, and his cheeks
+appeared like a couple of large flitches of bacon; the bristles of his
+head seemed to resemble rods of iron wire; his locks hung down on his
+broad shoulders like curled snakes.
+
+Jack alighted from his horse, and put him into a thicket; then, with his
+coat of darkness, he came near to behold his figure, and said, "Oh! are
+you here? It will not be long before I take you by the beard." The giant
+could not see him by reason of his invisible coat: so Jack, fetching a
+blow at his head with his sword of sharpness, and missing somewhat of
+his aim, cut off the giant's nose, whose nostrils were wider than a pair
+of jack-boots. The pain was terrible; he put up his hand to feel for his
+nose, and when he could not find it he raved and roared louder than
+thunder; and, though he turned up his large eyes, he could not see from
+whence the blow came; nevertheless, he took up his iron-headed club, and
+began to thrash about him like one stark mad. "Nay," quoth Jack, "if you
+be for that sport, then I will despatch you quickly, for fear of an
+accidental blow." Then Jack makes no more to do, but runs his sword up
+to the hilt in the giant's body, where he left it sticking for a while,
+and stood himself laughing to see the giant caper and dance with the
+sword in him, crying out he should die with the pain in his body. Thus
+did the giant continue raving for an hour or more, and at length fell
+down dead.
+
+This being done, Jack cut off both the giants' heads, and sent them to
+King Arthur by a waggoner, whom he hired for the purpose.
+
+Jack, having despatched these two monsters, resolved to enter the cave
+in search of the giant's treasure. He passed through many turnings and
+windings, which led him at length to a room paved with freestone, at the
+upper end of which was a boiling cauldron; on the right hand stood a
+large table, where the giants used to dine; then he came to an iron
+gate, where was a window secured with bars of iron, through which he
+looked, and beheld a vast many captives, who, seeing Jack, said, "Young
+man, art thou come to be one among us in this miserable den?" "Ay,"
+quoth Jack, "I hope I shall not tarry long here; but what is the meaning
+of your captivity?" "Why," said one of them, "we have been taken by the
+giants, and here we are kept till they have a feast, then the fattest
+among us is slaughtered for their devouring jaws. It is not long since
+they took three of us for the purpose." "Say you so," quoth Jack; "well,
+I have given them both such a dinner that it will be long enough ere
+they need any more. You may believe me, for I have slain them both; and
+as for their monstrous heads, I sent them to the court of King Arthur as
+trophies of my victory." Then, leading them to the aforesaid room, he
+placed them round the table, and set before them two quarters of beef,
+also bread and wine, so that they feasted there very plentifully. Supper
+being ended, they searched the giant's coffers, where, finding a vast
+store of gold, Jack divided it equally among them. They all returned him
+hearty thanks for their treasure and miraculous deliverance. That night
+they went to their rest, and in the morning they arose and departed to
+their respective places of abode, and Jack to the knight's house.
+
+Jack mounted his horse, and by his direction he came to the knight's
+house, where he was received with all demonstrations of joy by the
+knight and his lady, who, in respect to Jack, prepared a feast, which
+lasted for many days, inviting all the gentry in the adjacent parts. He
+presented him with a ring of gold, on which was engraven by curious art
+the picture of the giant dragging a distressed knight and his fair lady
+by the hair of the head.
+
+Now, there were five aged gentlemen who were fathers to some of those
+miserable captives whom Jack had set at liberty, who immediately paid
+him their respects. The smiling bowl was then pledged to the victorious
+conqueror, but during their mirth a dark cloud appeared, which daunted
+the assembly.
+
+A messenger brought the dismal tidings of the approach of one
+Thunderful, a huge giant with two heads, who, having heard of the death
+of his kinsmen, the above-named giants, was come in search of Jack, to
+be revenged on him for their terrible downfall, and was within a mile of
+the knight's seat, the people flying before him from their habitations.
+When they had related this, Jack said, "Let him come. I am prepared with
+a tool to pick his teeth, and you, gentlemen and ladies, walk forth into
+the garden, and you shall be the joyful spectators of this monstrous
+giant's death." To which they consented, wishing him good fortune in
+that great enterprise.
+
+The situation of the knight's house was in a small island, encompassed
+with a vast moat, thirty feet deep and twenty feet wide, over which lay
+a draw-bridge. Wherefore Jack employed two men to cut it on both sides,
+and then, dressing himself in his coat of darkness, putting on his shoes
+of swiftness, he marched against the giant, with his sword of sharpness
+ready drawn. When he came close up, the giant could not see Jack, by
+reason of his invisible coat; nevertheless, he was sensible of
+approaching danger, which made him cry out--
+
+"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman; be he living or be
+he dead, I'll grind his bones to mix my bread."
+
+"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "then thou art a monstrous miller. But
+how? If I serve thee as I did the two giants of late, I should spoil
+your practice for the future."
+
+At which time the giant spoke with a voice as loud as thunder--"Art thou
+that villain which destroyed my kinsmen? Then I will tear thee with my
+teeth, and suck thy blood. I will grind thy bones to powder."
+
+"Catch me first," quoth Jack; and he threw off his coat of darkness that
+the giant might see him, and then ran from him as through fear, the
+giant, with glaring eyes, following after like a walking castle, making
+the earth to shake at every step. Jack led him a dance three or four
+times round the moat, that the ladies and gentlemen might take a full
+view of this huge monster who followed Jack, but could not overtake him
+by reason of his shoes of swiftness. At length Jack took over the
+bridge, the giant, with full speed, pursuing after him, with his iron
+club; but, coming to the middle of the draw-bridge, the weight of his
+body, and the most dreadful steps which he took, it broke down, and he
+tumbled into the water, where he rolled and wallowed like a whale. Jack,
+standing at the side of the moat, laughed at the giant, and said, "You
+would grind my bones to powder? You have water; pray, where is your
+mill?" The giant foamed to hear him scoffing at that rate, though he
+plunged from place to place in the moat. Jack at length got a cart rope,
+and cast it over the giant's two heads with a slip knot, and, by the
+help of horses, he dragged him out again, nearly strangled. Before he
+would let him loose, he cut off both his heads with his sword of
+sharpness, in the view of all the assembly of knights and ladies, who
+gave a shout when they saw the giant despatched. Then, before he would
+either eat or drink, he sent these heads also to the court of King
+Arthur.
+
+After some mirth and pastime, Jack, taking leave of the noble knights
+and ladies, set off in search of new adventures. Through many woods and
+groves he passed, till, coming to the foot of a high mountain late at
+night, he knocked at the door of a lonesome house, at which a man, with
+a head as white as snow, arose and let him in.
+
+"Father," said Jack, "have you any entertainment for a benighted
+traveller that has lost his way?"
+
+"Yes," said the old man; "if thou wilt accept of such as my poor cottage
+afford, thou shalt be welcome." Jack returned him thanks. They sat
+together, and the old man began to discourse as follows--"Son, I am
+sensible thou art the great conqueror of giants, and it is in thy power
+to free this place; for there is an enchanted castle kept by a monstrous
+giant, named Galligantus, who, by the help of a conjurer, betrays
+knights and ladies into this strong castle, where, by magic art, they
+are transformed into sundry shapes; but, above all, I lament the
+misfortune of a duke's daughter, whom they fetched from her father's
+garden, carrying her through the air in a charion drawn by fiery
+dragons. She was immediately transformed into the shape of a white hind.
+Many knights have endeavoured to break the enchantment for her
+deliverance, yet none could accomplish it, by reason of two griffins,
+who are at the entrance of the castle gate, who destroy them as they see
+them; but you, being furnished with an invisible coat, may pass them
+undiscovered, where, on the gates of the castle, you will find engraven
+in characters the means the enchantment may be broken."
+
+Jack gave him his hand, with a promise that in the morning he would
+break the enchantment and free the lady.
+
+Having refreshed themselves with a morsel of meat, they laid down to
+rest. In the morning Jack arose, and put on his invisible coat, his cap
+of knowledge, and shoes of swiftness, and so prepared himself for the
+dangerous enterprise.
+
+Now, when he had ascended the mountain he discovered the two fiery
+griffins. He passed between them, for they could not see him by reason
+of his invisible coat. When he had got beyond them, he found upon the
+gate a golden trumpet, hung in a chain of fine silver, under which were
+engraven--
+
+    "Whoever shall this trumpet blow
+    Shall soon the giant overthrow,
+    And break the black enchantment straight,
+    So all shall be in happy state."
+
+Jack had no sooner read this inscription, but he blew the trumpet, at
+which the foundation of the castle trembled, and the giant, with the
+conjurer, were tearing their hair, knowing their wicked reign was at an
+end. At which time the giant was stooping to take up his club; Jack, at
+one blow with his sword of sharpness, cut off his head. The conjurer
+mounted into the air, and was carried away by a whirlwind. Thus was the
+enchantment broken, and every knight and lady who had been transformed
+into birds and beasts returned to their proper shapes, and the castle,
+though it seemed to be of a vast strength and bigness, vanished away
+like a cloud, whereon universal joy appeared among the released knights
+and ladies. This being done, the head of Galligantus was conveyed to the
+court of King Arthur the next day. Having refreshed the knights and
+ladies at the old man's habitation, Jack set forward to the court of
+King Arthur with those knights and ladies whom he delivered.
+
+Coming to his Majesty, his fame rung through the court, and; as a reward
+of his services, the duke bestowed his daughter in marriage to Jack. The
+whole kingdom was filled with joy at the wedding; after which the king
+bestowed upon him a noble house, with a large estate, where he and his
+lady passed their days in great joy and happiness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+              SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES
+
+                       AND HIS
+
+                 WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY
+
+                     WHICH BEGAN
+
+    _The very next Morning after their Marriage._
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _An Account of Simon's Wedding, and his Wife's
+        Behaviour the Day after their Marriage._
+
+
+Simon, the subject of our ensuing discourse, was a man very unfortunate
+many years after marriage, not only by crosses, but by the cruelty of
+Margery his severe wife--his wedding day being the best he saw in seven
+years after, for then he had all his friends about him. Rough Ralph the
+Fiddler and Will the Piper were appointed to make him and his guests
+merry.
+
+Singing, dancing, and good feasting attended the day, which being ended,
+this loving couple went to bed, where their friends all left them.
+
+But the morning was ushered in with a mighty storm, only because Simon
+put on his roast-meat clothes.
+
+Thus she began the matter--"Why, how now, pray, and what is to-day, that
+you must put on your holiday clothes, with a pye-crust to you? What do
+you intend to do, say you, tell me quickly."
+
+"Nothing," said Simon, "but to walk abroad with you, sweet wife, as it
+is common on the day after marriage."
+
+"No, no," said Margery, "this must not, nor shall not be. It is very
+well known that I have brought you a very considerable fortune--forty
+shillings in money, and a good milch cow, four fat wethers, with half a
+dozen ewes and lambs; likewise, geese, hens, and turkeys; also a sow and
+pigs, with other moveables, worth more than any of your crook-back
+generation is able to give you. And do you think you shall lead as lewd
+a life now as you did before you married; but if you do, then say my
+name is not Margery. Now I've got you in the bands of matrimony I will
+make you know what it is to be married; therefore, to work you rascal,
+and take care that what I brought is not consumed; for, if you do not,
+what will become of your wife and children?"
+
+Now, Simon looked liked one that had neither sense nor reason, but stood
+amazed, as if there had been a whole army of Billingsgate shrews.
+However, recollecting what he had heard about scolds, he muttered to
+himself, "Udswagers, I think I have got a woeful one now."
+
+"What is that you say, sirrah?" said she.
+
+"Nothing, dear wife, but what you say I allow to be true."
+
+And so, taking his bag and bottle, he went forward to his daily labour:
+but, coming towards the lower end of the town, he chanced to meet old
+Jobson, a cobbler, a merry blade, who loved a cup of good ale.
+
+"What! honest Simon," said Jobson, "I am glad to see you, for since our
+last meeting I hear you are married, and now I wish thee much
+happiness."
+
+Now, old Jobson, being a merry fellow, invited Simon to take a flaggon
+of the best liquor that the next ale-house would afford, and there to
+drink to Margery's health.
+
+Being merry in discourse, talking of the tricks and pranks they had
+played when bachelors.
+
+Jobson, taking up the flaggon in his hand, said, "Come, here's to thee,
+honest Simon, and I wish thee better luck than Randal, thy old
+father-in-law, had with his wife; for she was such a scold that happy
+were they who lived out of the clamour of her noise. But without doubt
+thy dear wife may be of a milder spirit, and have more of her father's
+meekness than her mother's fury in her; but come, Simon, here's to thee
+and to thy dearly-beloved Margery."
+
+Cries Simon, "If she was present how merry we should be; but, I fear, on
+the wrong side of the mouth."
+
+"Well," said Jobson, "I vow I long to see her; and I verily believe she
+would be as glad to see me. I dare to say she will prove a very good
+wife."
+
+"Truly, neighbour Jobson, I don't know; but if I have no better ending
+than beginning, I wish I had ended my life at the plough tail."
+
+No sooner were these words out of his mouth but in comes Margery, with
+her gossips, whom Simon wished to see, forsooth. He wished her much joy,
+but Margery, in a woeful fury, snatched up Jobson's oaken staff from off
+the table, and gave poor Simon such a clank upon the noddle which made
+the blood spin out, saying, "Is this your work, sirrah?" Jobson, seeing
+so sudden an alteration, was affrighted, not knowing how to escape.
+
+She then turned about to the left, saying, "Thou rogue and rascal, it is
+you that ruins all the good women's husbands in the town; therefore you
+shall not go unrewarded," giving him such strokes over his back and
+shoulders as caused poor Jobson to lay in bed almost a fortnight.
+
+Simple Simon all this while not having any power to run away, but stood
+like one half frighted out of his wits, and trembling before his bride,
+with his hat in one hand and the flaggon in the other, begging her that
+she would be patient, and he would never offend her any more.
+
+But she gave him a frown, and bid him begone about his business, which
+he immediately did. So then Margery and her friendly gossips had the
+whole apartment to themselves, where they sat till they were all as
+drunk as fish-women.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _She drags him up into the Chimney, and hangs him
+                      a Smoke-drying._
+
+
+At night, when he returned to his own home, Margery, by the help of a
+nap she had taken, was a little restored to her senses again; but yet,
+not forgetting the fault he had committed, she invented a new kind of
+punishment; for, having a wide chimney, wherein they used to dry bacon,
+she, taking him at a disadvantage, tied him hand and foot, bound him in
+a basket, and, by the help of a rope, drew him up to the beam in the
+chimney, and left him there to take his lodging the second night after
+his wedding, with a small, smoky fire under him, so that in the morning
+he almost reezed like to a red-herring. But in length of time he
+prevailed with his wife to show him so much pity as to let him down
+again.
+
+    "In love release me from this horrid smoke,
+    And I will never more my wife provoke;
+    She then did yield to let him down from thence,
+    And said, 'Be careful of the next offence.'"
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _Simon loses a Sack of Corn that he was carrying
+               to the Mill to have ground._
+
+
+Not long after she sent him to the mill with a sack of corn, and bade
+him remember what she said to him, or else he should not go unpunished.
+
+"Well," said Simon, "I hope I shall never offend thee any more."
+
+For this promise she gave him a mess of milk, and when he had eaten all
+up he took the sack of corn upon his back, and went towards the mill,
+which stood about two miles from the house.
+
+When Simon was got about half way he began to be weary, which was the
+forerunner of a great misfortune, for a man riding by, leading an empty
+horse towards the mill, perceived Simon weary of his load, told him he
+might lay it upon his spare horse, to which Simon willingly consented.
+
+The man riding on, Simon could not pace with him, so desired him to
+leave it for him at the mill. He promised he would, but never intended
+to perform his promise.
+
+Simon, thus loosing his sack of corn, knew not how to go home, or show
+his face before his wife, until he got two or three of his neighbours to
+go with him to beg for his pardon, and to help to make up the difference
+between them, which they did after a long parley. So that for this crime
+he passed unpunished.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Simon goes to the Market with his Basket of Eggs,
+           breaks them all by the Way, and is set in the Stocks._
+
+
+But, although he was not punished according to the severe correction he
+had formerly received, yet he did not escape the continual railings in
+his ears for several days after, ever and anon she crying out, "You sot,
+will you never be wise?"
+
+"Yes, sweet Margery, dear Margery, I hope I shall some time."
+
+"Well," says she, "I'll now try you once more. Here, take this basket of
+eggs, and go to the market and sell them, but be sure don't break them
+nor spend the money, for if you do, sorrow will be your sops, and you
+may expect to feel the weight of my hands more than ever you have done
+before."
+
+At which harsh words he trembled much, and looked as white as his dear
+Margery's shift, for fear that he should miscarry with his basket of
+eggs, for he well knew that his wife would be sure to be as good as her
+promise.
+
+Then Simon, taking his basket of eggs, trudged away to the market, but
+was no sooner come there than, seeing a vast crowd of people, he was
+resolved to see what was the matter.
+
+When he came to the place he found that two butter-women had fallen out,
+and to that degree that they had taken one another by the que of their
+hair, and their fillets all flying about their ears; which Simon seeing
+he was moved with compassion, and ran to part them, but in vain; poor
+Simon was still unfortunate, and came off with a great loss, for one of
+the women pushed him down and broke his eggs.
+
+Poor Simon was now almost distracted to see the ground, but whether it
+was the fear of the anger of his wife, or whether it was courage, thus
+it was, Simon ran in amongst them, and resolved to be revenged on them
+for the loss of his eggs.
+
+Whilst they were in the fray the constable came, and, supposing them
+drunk, gave orders that they should all be set in the stocks
+together--Simon in the middle, and the women on each side--which was
+accordingly done; but they rang such a peal in Simon's ears that he was
+deaf for a fortnight after.
+
+Being released, he ventured home again, dreading the impending storm;
+but this was his comfort in the midst of all his hard fortune, that,
+though he might feel the force of her blows, still he would be deaf to
+her noise, being stunned by the women in the stocks.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Simon's Wife Cudgels him severely
+           for losing his Money._
+
+
+At length Simon coming home he met with his beloved wife Margery, who,
+seeing his dejected countenance, she began to mistrust something, and
+so, taking hold of his arm, she hauled him in for examination.
+
+When Simon saw this he could not forbear weeping, and began to tell her
+a dismal story concerning the stocks; but she wanted the money for the
+eggs; but Simon, being deaf, could not hear her, which made her fall on
+him with such fury that he was obliged to run up stairs and jump out of
+the chamber window, which, when she saw, she followed him down the town,
+with a hundred boys and girls after them, Simon still crying out to the
+people, "You may see what it is to be married."
+
+And her tone was, "You rascal; the money for my eggs," often giving him
+a crack on the crown.
+
+At length it was his good hap to get away from her.
+
+Night drawing on, and Simon not having one penny to help himself, was
+forced to make the best of a bad bargain, resolved for to lodge that
+night in a hog-stye amongst the swine.
+
+And so the next morning, in the presence of some of his dearest friends,
+he begged pardon on his knees of his sweet, kind, and loving wife,
+Margery.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Simon loses his Wife's Pail, and at the same time burns
+                   out the Bottom of her Kettle._
+
+
+Margery, being reconciled again on his humble petition, she charged him
+to be careful for the future that he did not offend her as he had done
+before, which he promised to observe. "Then, Simon," said she, "I am
+this day to go to a gossiping, and shall leave you at home to make a
+fire and hang on the kettle."
+
+"Yes, sweet wife."
+
+Now, Margery was no sooner gone but he made a fire and hung on the
+kettle. Then, taking the pail, he goes to the well to fetch some water,
+when there came an ox running down, and a butcher and his boy close
+after him, who called out to Simon to stop the ox, which he endeavoured
+to do, but the ox, giving them the slip, Simon ran in pursuit of him for
+the space of three or four miles, and, having secured him, the butcher
+gave him many thanks for his kindness.
+
+So Simon returned back to the well, but his pail was lost, and he made
+sad lamentation for it, inquiring about it, but could not hear nothing
+of it; and as the old proverb says, "One sorrow never comes alone," for
+on going in doors the fire was flaming, and the bottom of the kettle was
+quite burnt out.
+
+At the sight of this he fell to wringing his hands and crying out with a
+lamentable tone; "None was so unfortunate as poor Simon. What shall I
+say to my wife when she comes? First, I have lost my pail; and, second,
+I have let the bottom of the kettle be burnt out. Here will be a sad
+reckoning for these misfortunes."
+
+Just in the middle of these lamentations in comes Margery, who, having
+heard him, came armed and fitted for the fray.
+
+"How now, sirrah," said she, "has this been the care you promised of my
+business?" and with that let fly an earthen pot at his head, which
+caused the blood to run about his ears.
+
+This done, she took him by the collar, and cuft him about the kitchen at
+a most terrible rate, Simon crying for mercy, but cruel Margery still
+increased his misery, till the neighbours came, persuading Margery to
+be satisfied, "for," said they, "it was but a mischance."
+
+"A rascal," said she, "for I can set him about nothing, but thus he
+serves me."
+
+They still interceded for Simon, until at length she excused him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Simon's Wife sends him to buy Soap, but, going over a
+          Bridge, he lets his Money fall into the River;
+        and of a Ragman's running away with his Clothes._
+
+
+Margery, calling Simon to her, said, "Will you never be careful in
+anything I set you about?"
+
+"Yes, dear wife, I hope I shall."
+
+"Why, then," said she, "take this money. I have tied it in a clout, that
+you may not lose it. Therefore, go you to the market, and make all the
+haste you can, and get me some soap."
+
+"I will, sweet wife," quoth he, and with that he went as fast as he
+could.
+
+Now, on his way he was to pass over a bridge, and, coming to the middle
+of it, a flight of crows flew over his head, which so frightened him
+that he let fall his money.
+
+This was the beginning of a new sorrow. He stood awhile, and knew not
+what course to take. At length he resolved to pull off his clothes and
+jump into the water and search for it. Now, as he was searching for his
+money, an old ragman came by, and put his clothes into a bag.
+
+Simon, seeing this, pursued him, but in vain, and was forced to return
+home naked, which his wife seeing fell in a most horrible sweat, and,
+taking the dog-whip, she so jerked poor Simon about, making him to dance
+the canaries for two hours, till he cried out, "Good wife, forbear!" but
+she cried out, "You rascal! where is my money, and your clothes?" Thus
+she continued until she was tired, and he heartily begged her pardon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                  THE ADVENTURES
+
+                         OF
+
+                BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,
+
+           WHO WAS FOR MORE THAN FORTY YEARS
+
+                  KING OF THE BEGGARS.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Carew's Boyhood. And how he became a Gipsy._
+
+
+Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew was the son of a clergyman near Tiverton, in
+Devonshire, and born in 1693. He was tall and majestic, his limbs strong
+and well-proportioned, his features regular, and his countenance open
+and ingenious, bearing the resemblance of a good-natured mind. At twelve
+years old he was put to Tiverton school, where he soon got a
+considerable knowledge of the Latin and Greek tongues, so as to be
+fitted for the University, that in due time he might be fitted for the
+church, for which his father designed him; but here a new exercise
+engaged his attention, namely, that of hunting, in which he soon made a
+prodigious progress. The Tiverton scholars had command of a fine cry of
+hounds, which gave Carew a frequent opportunity of exercising his
+beloved employment, and getting acquainted with John Martin, Thomas
+Coleman, and John Escott, young gentlemen of the best rank and fortune.
+One day a farmer came to the school and complained of a deer, with a
+collar round its neck, that he had seen running through his grounds, and
+had done him much damage, desiring them to hunt it down and kill it.
+They, wishing for no better sport, on the next day put the old farmer's
+request into execution, in doing of which they did much damage to the
+neighbouring grounds, whose owners, together with Colonel Nutcombe, to
+whom the deer belonged, came and complained to the schoolmaster of the
+injuries they had suffered by his scholars; they were very severely
+reprimanded and hard threatened for the same. The resentment of the
+present reproof and the fear of future chastisement made them abscond
+from the school; and going into a brick ale-house, about half a mile from
+Tiverton, there they accidentally fell in company with some gipsies, who
+were then feasting and carousing. This company consisted of seventeen,
+who were met on purpose for festivity and jollity; which, by plenty of
+meat, fowl, flowing cups of beer, cider, etc., they seemed to enjoy to
+their hearts' content. In short, the freedom, mirth, and pleasure that
+appeared among them, invited our youngsters to enlist into their
+company; which, on communicating to the gipsies, they would not believe
+them, as thinking they jested; but on tarrying with them all night and
+continuing in the same mind next morning, they at length thought them
+serious and encouraged them; and, after going through the requisite
+ceremonials and administering to them the proper oath, they admitted
+them into their number.
+
+The reader will, no doubt, wonder to hear of the ceremonials and oaths
+among gipsies and beggars, but that will cease on being informed, that
+these people are subject to a form of government and laws peculiar to
+themselves, and pay due obedience to one who is styled their king; to
+which honour Carew in a short time arrived, after having by many acts
+proved himself worthy of it. The substance of them is this--Strong love
+and mutual regard for each member in particular, and the whole community
+in general; which, being taught them in their infancy, grows up with
+them, prevents oppression, frauds, and over-reaching one another, which
+is common among other people, and tends to the very worst of evils.
+This happiness and temper of mind so wrought on Carew as to occasion the
+strongest attachment to them for forty years, refusing very large offers
+that had been made to him to quit their society.
+
+Being thus initiated into the ancient society of gipsies, who take their
+name from Egypt--a place well known to abound in learning, and the
+inhabitants of which country travel about from place to place to
+communicate knowledge to mankind--Carew did not long continue in it
+before he was consulted in important matters; particularly Madam
+Musgrove, of Monkton, near Taunton, hearing of his fame, sent for him to
+consult him in an affair of difficulty. When he was come, she informed
+him that she suspected a large quantity of money was buried somewhere
+about her house, and if he would acquaint her with the particular place,
+she would handsomly reward him. Carew consulted the secrets of his art
+on this occasion, and, after a long study, he informed the lady that
+under a laurel tree in the garden lay the treasure she sought for; but
+that she must not seek it till such a day and hour. The lady rewarded
+him with twenty guineas; but, whether Carew mistook his calculations or
+the lady mistook her lucky hour, we cannot tell, but truth obliges us to
+say, the lady having dug below the root of the laurel tree she could not
+find the treasure.
+
+When he was further initiated, he was consulted in important matters and
+met with better success; generally giving satisfaction by his wise and
+sagacious answers. In the meantime his parents sorrowed after him, as
+one that was no more, having advertised him in all the public papers and
+sent messengers after him to almost every part of the kingdom; till
+about a year and a half afterwards, when Carew, hearing of their grief,
+and being struck with tenderness thereat, repaired to his father's
+house. He was so disguised they did not know him, but when they did
+their joy was beyond expressing, tenderly embracing him, bedewing his
+cheeks with tears and kisses, and all his friends and neighbours showed
+every demonstration of joy at his return. His parents did everything to
+render home agreeable to him; but the uncommon pleasure he had enjoyed
+in the community he had left, their simplicity, freedom, sincerity,
+mirth, and frequent change of habitation, and the secret presages of the
+honour he has since arrived at, sickened and palled all other
+diversions, and at last prevailed over his filial duty, for one day,
+without taking leave of his friends or parents, he went back to them
+again, where he was heartily welcomed, both to his own and their
+satisfaction, they being glad to regain one who was likely to become so
+useful a member of their community.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Carew's First Adventure in his New Profession._
+
+
+Carew being again initiated among them, at the first general assembly of
+the gipsies, took the oaths of allegiance to their sovereign, by whom he
+was soon sent out on a cruise against their enemies. Carew now set his
+wits to work how to succeed: so equipping himself with an old pair of
+trousers, a piece of a jacket, just enough to cover his nakedness,
+stockings full of holes, and an old cap, he forgot both friends and
+family and became nothing more or less than an unfortunate shipwrecked
+seaman. In this, his first excursion, he gained much credit, artfully
+imitating passes and certificates that were necessary for him to travel
+unmolested. After a month's travel he happened to meet with his old
+school-fellow Coleman, who had once left the gipsies' society, but, for
+the same reason as himself, returned to them again. Great was their joy
+at meeting, and they agreed to travel some time together; so entering
+Exeter, they, in one day, raised a contribution of several pounds.
+
+Having obtained all he could from this stratagem, he then became a
+plain, honest farmer, whose grounds had been overflowed, and cattle
+drowned; his dejected countenance and mournful tale, together with a
+wife and seven helpless infants being partakers of his misfortunes,
+gained him both pity and profit.
+
+Having obtained a considerable booty by these two stratagems, he
+returned to his companions, where he was received with great applause;
+and, as a mark of their respect, seated him next the king. He soon
+became a great man in the profession and confined not himself from doing
+good to others, when it did not infringe upon the community of which he
+was a member.
+
+His next stratagem was to become a madman; so stripping himself quite
+naked, he threw a blanket over him and then he was, "Poor mad Tom, whom
+the foul fiend had led through fire and through flame; through fire and
+whirlpool, over bog and quagmire; that hath laid knives under his
+pillow, and halters in his pew; set ratsbane for his porridge, and made
+him proud at heart to ride on a bay trotting-horse over four-inch
+bridges; to curse his own shadow for a traitor; who eats the
+swimming-frog, the toad, the tadpole, the wall-newt, and the water-newt;
+that in the fury of his heart, when the foul fiend rages, swallows the
+old rat and ditch dog; drinks the green mantle of the standing pool:
+
+    And mice and rats, and such like gear,
+    Have been Tom's food for seven long year.
+
+"O do de, do de, do de! bless thee! from whirlwind, star-blasting, and
+taking! Do poor Tom some charity, whom the foul fiend vexes. There I
+could have him now--and there!--and there!--and here again!--and
+there!--Through the sharp hawthorn blows the cold wind--Tom's a
+cold!--who gives anything to poor Tom?"
+
+In this character, with such like expressions, he entered the houses of
+both small and great, claiming kindred to them, and committing all kinds
+of frantic actions, such as beating himself, offering to eat coals of
+fire, running against the wall, and tearing to pieces whatever garments
+were given to him to cover his nakedness; by which means he raised
+considerable contributions.
+
+He never was more happy than when he was engaged in some adventure;
+therefore he was always very diligent to inquire when any accident
+happened, especially fire, to which he would immediately repair, and,
+getting information of the causes, names, trades, and circumstances of
+the unhappy sufferers, he would assume one of them, and burning some
+part of his clothes, by way of demonstration, run to some place distant,
+pass for one of them, gain credit and get much profit. Under this
+character he had once the boldness to address a justice, who was the
+terror and professed enemy to all the gipsies, yet he so well managed
+the affair, that in a long examination he made him believe he was an
+honest miller, whose house, mill and substance had been consumed by
+fire, occasioned by the negligence of the apprentice; and accordingly,
+got a bountiful sum for his relief, the justice not in the least
+suspecting a defraud.
+
+He had such wonderful facility in every character he assumed, that he
+even deceived those who thought themselves so well acquainted with him,
+that it was impossible for him to impose on them.
+
+Coming one day to Squire Portman's house at Blandford, in the character
+of a rat-catcher, with a hair cap on his head, a buff girdle about his
+waste, a little box by his side, and a tame rat in his hand, he goes
+boldly up to the house, where he had been well known before, and meeting
+the squire, Parson Bryant, and one Mr. Pleydell, of Milbourn, and some
+other gentlemen, he asked them if they had any rats to kill. "Do you
+understand the business well?" says the squire. "Yes, an please your
+honour," replied Carew, "I have been a rat-catcher for many years, and I
+have been employed in his majesty's yards and ships." "Well," says the
+squire, "go in and get some vituals, and after dinner we will try your
+abilities." He was accordingly called into the parlour, where were a
+large company of gentlemen and ladies. "Well, honest rat-catcher," says
+the squire, "can you lay any scheme to kill the rats without hurting my
+dogs?" "Yes, yes," cries Carew, "I can lay it where even the rats cannot
+climb to reach it." "What countryman are you?" "A Devonshire man, an
+please your honour." "What is your name?" Here our hero began to
+perceive that he was discovered, by the smilings and whisperings of
+several gentlemen, and he very composedly answered, "My name is Bamfylde
+Moore Carew." This occasioned much mirth, and Mr. Pleydell expressed
+extraordinary pleasure. He had often wished to see him but never had.
+"Yes, you have," replied Carew, "and given me a suit of clothes. Do you
+not remember meeting a poor wretch one day at your stable door, with a
+stocking round his head, an old mantle over his shoulders, without
+shirt, stockings, or scarce any shoes, who told you he was a poor
+unfortunate man, cast away upon the coast, with sixteen more of the crew
+who were all drowned; you, believing the story, generously relieved me
+with a guinea and a good suit of clothes." "I well remember it," said
+Mr. Pleydell, "but, on this discovery, it is impossible to deceive me so
+again, come in whatever shape you will." The company blamed him for thus
+boasting, and secretly prevailed upon Carew to put his art in practice
+to convince him of the fallacy thereof: to which he agreed, and in a few
+days after appointing the company present to be at Mr. Pleydell's house,
+he put the following scheme into execution.
+
+He shaved himself closely, and clothed himself in an old woman's
+apparel, with a high-crowned hat, and a large dowdy under his chin;
+then, taking three children from among his fraternity, he tied two on
+his back and one under his arm. Thus accoutred, he comes to Mr.
+Pleydell's door, and pinching one of the brats, set it a roaring; this
+gave the alarm to the dogs, who came out with open mouths, so that the
+whole company was soon alarmed. Out came the maid saying, "Carry away
+the children, good woman, they disturb the ladies." "God bless their
+ladyships," said Carew, "I am the poor unfortunate grandmother of these
+helpless infants, whose mother and all they had were burnt at the
+dreadful fire at Kirkton, and hope the good ladies, for Heaven's sake,
+will bestow something on the poor, famishing, starving infants." In goes
+the maid with this affecting story to the ladies, while Carew keeps
+pinching the children to make them cry, and the maid soon returned with
+half-a-crown and some good broth, which he thankfully received, and went
+into the court-yard to sit down and sup them, as perceiving the gentlemen
+were not at home. He had not long been there before they came, when one
+of them accosted him thus--"Where do you come from, old woman?" "From
+Kirkton, please your honours," said he, "where the poor unhappy mother
+of these helpless infants was burnt in the flames and all she had
+consumed." "There has been more money collected for Kirkton than ever
+Kirkton was worth," said the gentleman. However, they gave the supposed
+old grandmother a shilling, commiserating the hard case of her and her
+poor helpless infants, which he thankfully received, pretending to go
+away; but the gentlemen were hardly got into the house, before their
+ears were suddenly saluted with a "tantivy, tantivy," and a "halloo" to
+the dogs; on which they turned about, supposing it to be some other
+sportsmen; but seeing nobody, they imagined it to be Carew, in the
+disguise of the old Kirkton grandmother; so bidding the servants fetch
+him back, he was brought into the parlour among them all, and confessed
+himself to be the famous Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew, to the astonishmet
+and mirth of them all; who well rewarded him for the diversion he had
+afforded them.
+
+In like manner he raised a contribution twice in one day of Mr. Jones,
+near Bristol. In the morning, with a sooty face, leather apron, a
+dejected countenance, and a woollen cap, he was generously relieved as
+an unfortunate blacksmith, whose all had been consumed by fire. In the
+afternoon he exchanged his legs for crutches, and, with a dejected
+countenance, pale face, and every sign of pain, he became a disabled
+tinner, incapable of maintaining a wife and seven small children, by the
+damps and hardships he had suffered in the mines; and so well acted his
+part, that the tinner got as well relieved in the afternoon as the
+blacksmith in the morning.
+
+These successful stratagems gained him high applause and honour in the
+community of gipsies. He soon became the favourite of their king, who
+was very old and decrepid, and had always some honourable mark of
+distinction assigned him at their assemblies.
+
+Being one morning near the seat of his good friend, Sir William
+Courtney, he was resolved to pay him three visits that day. He therefore
+puts on a parcel of rags, and goes to him with a piteous, mean, dismal
+countenance, and deplorable tale, and got half-a-crown from him, telling
+him he had met with great misfortunes at sea. At noon he puts on a
+leather apron scorched with fire, and with a dejected countenance goes
+to him again, and was relieved as an unfortunate shoemaker, who had been
+burnt out of his house and all he had. In the afternoon he goes again in
+trimmed clothes, and desiring admittance to Sir William, with a modest
+grace and submissive eloquence, he repeats his misfortunes, as the
+supercargo of a vessel which had been cast away and his whole effects
+lost.
+
+Sir William, seeing his genteel appearance and behaviour, treated him
+with respect and gave him a guinea at his departure. There were several
+gentlemen at dinner with Sir William at that time, none of whom had any
+knowledge of him except the Rev. Mr. Richards, who did not discover him
+till he was gone; upon which a servant was despatched to desire him to
+come back, which he did; and when he entered the room they were very
+merry with him and requested him to give an account how he got his fine
+clothes, and of his stratagems, with the success of them. He asked Sir
+William if he had not given half-a-crown in the morning to a beggar, and
+about noon relieved a poor unfortunate shoemaker. "I did," said Sir
+William. "Behold him before you," said Carew, "in this fine embroidered
+coat, as a broken merchant." The company would not believe him; so to
+convince them, he re-assumed those characters again, to their no small
+mirth and satisfaction.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _Carew made King of the Beggars._
+
+
+On the death of the king of the gipsies, named Clause Patch, our hero
+was a candidate to succeed him, and exhibited to the electors a long
+list of bold and ingenious stratagems which he had executed, and made so
+graceful and majestic an appearance in his person, that he had a
+considerable majority of voices, though there were ten candidates for
+the same honour; on which he was declared duly elected and hailed by the
+whole assembly--King of the Gipsies. The public register of their acts
+being immediately committed to his care, and homage done him by all the
+assembly, the whole concluded by rejoicings.
+
+Though Mr. Carew was now privileged, by the dignity of his office, from
+going on any cruise, and was provided with everything necessary by the
+joint contribution of the community, yet he did not give himself up to
+indolence. Our hero, though a king, was as active in his stratagems as
+ever, and ready to encounter any difficulty which seemed to promise
+success.
+
+Mr. Carew being in the town of South Molton, in Devonshire, and having
+been ill-used by an officer there called the bellman, resolved on the
+following stratagem by way of revenge. It was at that time reported that
+a gentleman of the town, lately buried, walked nightly in the
+churchyard; and as the bellman was obliged by his nightly duty to go
+through it just at the very hour of one, Mr. Carew repaired thither a
+little before the time, and stripping in his shirt, lay down upon the
+gentleman's grave. Soon after, hearing the bellman approach, he raised
+himself up with a solemn slowness, which the bellman beholding, by the
+glimmerings of the moon through a dark cloud, was terribly frightened,
+so took to his heels and ran away. In his fright he looked behind him,
+and seeing the ghost following him, dropped his bell and ran the faster;
+which Carew seized on as a trophy, and forbore any further pursuit. The
+bellman did not stop till he reached home, where he obstinately affirmed
+he had seen the gentleman's ghost, who had taken away the bell, which
+greatly alarmed the whole town.
+
+Coming to the seat of Squire Rhodes, in Devonshire, and knowing he had
+lately married a Dorsetshire lady, he thought proper to become a
+Dorsetshire man of Lyme, the place of the lady's nativity; and meeting
+the squire and his bride, he gave them to understand that he was lost in
+a vessel belonging to Lyme, Captain Courtney, commander. The squire and
+his lady gave him half-a-crown each, for country sake, and entertained
+him at their house.
+
+Our hero, exercising his profession at Milbury, where the squire's
+father lived, and to whom the son was come on a visit, Mr. Carew made
+application to him, and knocking at the door, on its being opened, saw
+the young squire sitting alone, whom Mr. Rhodes interrupted by saying he
+"was twice in one day imposed on by that rogue Carew, of whose gang you
+may likely be: besides, I do not live here, but am a stranger." In the
+meantime comes the old squire, with a bottle of wine in his hand, giving
+Carew a wink to let him understand he knew him, and then very gravely
+inquired into the circumstances of his misfortunes, and also of the
+affairs and inhabitants of Dartmouth, from whence he pretended to have
+sailed several times, of all which he gave a full and particular
+account, whereupon the old squire gave him half-a-crown, and the young
+one the same; on which Carew and the old man burst into laughter, and
+discovered the whole affair, at which Squire Rhodes was a little
+chagrined at being imposed on a third time; but, on recollecting the
+expertness of the performer, was well satisfied, and they spent the
+remainder of the day in mirth and jollity.
+
+At Bristol he dressed himself like a poor mechanic, and then going out
+into the streets, acted the religious madman, talking in a raving manner
+about Messrs. Whitfield and Wesley, as though he was disordered in his
+mind by their preaching; calling in a furious manner, every step, upon
+the Virgin Mary, Pontius Pilate, and Mary Magdalene, and acting every
+part of a man religiously mad; sometimes walking with his eyes fixed
+upon the ground, and then on a sudden he would break out in some
+passionate expressions about religion. This behaviour greatly excited
+the curiosity and compassion of the people; some of them talked to him,
+but he answered everything they said in a wild and incoherent manner;
+and, as compassion is generally the forerunner of charity, he was
+relieved by most of them.
+
+Next morning he appeared in a morning gown, still acting the madman, and
+addressed himself to all the posts of the street, as if they were
+saints, lifting up his hands and eyes to heaven, in a fervent but
+distracted manner, and making use of so many extravagant gestures, that
+he astonished the whole city. Going through Castle Street he met the
+Rev. Mr. Bone, whom he accosted with his arms thrown around him, and
+insisted, in a raving manner, he should tell him who was the father of
+the morning star; which frightened the parson so much, that he took to
+his heels and ran for it, Carew running after him, till the parson was
+obliged to take shelter in a house.
+
+Having well recruited his pocket by this stratagem, he left Bristol
+next day, and travelled towards Bath, acting the madman all the way till
+he came to Bath: as soon as he came there, he inquired for Dr. Coney's,
+and being directed to his house, found two brother mendicants at the
+door. After they had waited some time, the servant brought out each of
+them a halfpenny, for which his brother mendicants were very thankful.
+But Carew gave his halfpenny to one of them; then knocking at the door,
+and the maid coming out again, "Tell your master," says he, "I am not a
+halfpenny man, but that my name is Bamfylde Moore Carew, king of the
+mendicants;" which being told, the doctor came out with one of his
+daughters and gave him sixpence and a mug of drink, for which he
+returned them thanks.
+
+Mr. Carew happening to be in the city of Wells on a Sunday, was told the
+bishop was to preach that morning, on which he slipped on a black
+waistcoat and morning gown, and ran out to meet the bishop as he was
+walking in procession, and addressed himself to him as a poor unhappy
+man, whose misfortunes had turned his brains; which the bishop hearing
+gave him half-a-crown.
+
+It was in Newcastle-upon-Tyne that he became enamoured with the daughter
+of Mr. Glady, an eminent apothecary and surgeon there. This young lady
+had charms sufficient to captivate the heart of any man susceptible of
+love; and they made so deep an impression upon him, that they wholly
+effaced every object which before had created any desire in him, and
+never permitted any other to raise them afterwards; for, wonderful to
+tell, we have, after about thirty years' enjoyment, seen him lament her
+occasional absence, almost with tears, and talk of her with all the
+fondness of one who has been in love with her but three days. Our hero
+tried all love's persuasions with his fair one in an honourable way,
+and, as his person was very engaging and his appearance genteel, he did
+not find her greatly averse to his proposals. As he was aware that his
+being of the community of gipsies might prejudice her against him,
+without examination, he passed with her for the mate of a collier's
+vessel, in which he was supported by Captain Lawn, in whose vessel they
+set sail; and the very winds being willing to favour these happy lovers,
+they had an exceedingly quick passage to Dartmouth, where they landed.
+In a few days they set out for Bath, where they lawfully solemnized
+their nuptials with great gaiety and splendour; and nobody at that time
+could conjecture who they were, which was the cause of much speculation
+and false surmises.
+
+Some time after this he took his passage at Folkstone, in Kent, for
+Boulogne, in France, where he arrived safe and proceeded to Paris and
+other noted cities of that kingdom. His habit was now tolerably good,
+his countenance grave, his behaviour sober and decent--pretending to be
+a Roman Catholic, who had left England, his native country, out of an
+ardent zeal for spending his days in the bosom of the Catholic church.
+This story readily gained belief: his zeal was universally applauded,
+and handsome contributions made for him. But, at the time he was so
+zealous a Roman Catholic, with a little change of habit, he used to
+address those English he heard of in any place, as a Protestant and
+shipwrecked seaman; and had the good fortune to meet with an English
+physician at Paris, to whom he told this deplorable tale, who not only
+relieved him very handsomely, but recommended him to that noble pattern
+of unexhausted benevolence, Mrs. Horner, who was then on her travels,
+from whom he received ten guineas, and from some other company with her
+five more.
+
+It was about this time he became acquainted with the Hon. Sir William
+Weem, in the following manner:--Being at Watchett, in Somersetshire,
+near the seat of that gentleman, he resolved to pay him a visit. Putting
+on, therefore, a jacket and a pair of trousers, he made the best of his
+way to Sir William's seat, and luckily met Sir William, Lord
+Bolingbroke, and several other gentlemen and clergy, with some
+commanders of vessels, walking in the park. Carew approached Sir William
+with a great deal of seeming fearfulness and respect, and with much
+modesty acquainted him he was a Silverton man, that he was the son of
+one of his tenants named Moore--had been to Newfoundland, and in his
+passage homeward, the vessel was run down by a French ship in a fog, and
+only he and two more were saved; but being put on board an Irish vessel,
+were carried into Ireland, and from thence landed at Watchett. Sir
+William hearing this, asked him a great many questions concerning the
+inhabitants of Silverton, who were most of them his own tenants, and of
+the principal gentlemen in the neighbourhood; all whom Carew was well
+acquainted with and therefore gave satisfactory answers. Sir William at
+last asked him if he knew Bickley, and if he knew the parson thereof.
+Carew replied that he knew him very well, and so indeed he might as it
+was no other than his own father. Sir William then inquired what family
+he had, and whether he had not a son named Bamfylde, and what became of
+him. "Your honour," replied he, "means the beggar and dog-stealer--I
+don't know what has become of him, but it is a wonder if he is not
+hanged by this time." "No, I hope not," replied Sir William, "I should
+be glad, for his family's sake, to see him at my house." Having
+satisfactorily answered many other questions, Sir William generously
+relieved him with a guinea, and Lord Bolingbroke followed his example;
+the other gentlemen and clergy contributed according to their different
+ranks. Sir William then ordered him to go to his house and tell the
+butler to entertain him, which he accordingly did, and set himself down
+with great comfort.
+
+Having heard that young Lord Clifford, his first cousin (who had just
+returned from his travels abroad), was at his seat at Callington, about
+four miles from Bridgewater, he resolved to pay him a visit. In his way
+thither resided parson Carson, who, being one whom nature had made up in
+a hurry without a heart, Mr. Carew had never been able to obtain
+anything off him, even under the most moving appearance of distress, but
+a small cup of drink. Stopping now in his way, he found the parson was
+gone to Lord Clifford's; but, being saluted at the door by a fine black
+spaniel, with almost as much crustiness as he would have been had his
+master been at home, he thought himself under no stronger obligation of
+observing the strict laws of honour, than the parson did of hospitality;
+and therefore soon charmed the crossness of the spaniel and made him
+follow him to Bridgewater.
+
+Having secured the spaniel and passed the night merrily at Bridgewater,
+he set out the next morning for Lord Clifford's, and in his way called
+upon the parson again, who very crustily told him he had lost his dog,
+and supposed some of his gang had stolen him; to which Mr. Carew very
+calmly replied, "What was he to his dog, or what was his dog to him? if
+he would make him drink it was well, for he was very dry." At last, with
+the use of much rhetoric, he got a cup of small drink; then, taking
+leave of him, he went to the Red Lion, in the same parish, where he
+stayed some time. In the meantime, down ran the parson to my Lord
+Clifford's, to acquaint him that Mr. Carew was in the parish and to
+advise him to take care of his dogs; so that Mr. Carew, coming down
+immediately after, found a servant with one dog in his arms, and another
+with another, here one stood whistling and another calling, and both my
+lord and his brother were running about to seek after their favourites.
+
+Mr. Carew asked my lord what was the meaning of this hurry, and if his
+dogs were cripples, because he saw several carried in the servants'
+arms, adding, he hoped his lordship did not imagine he was come to steal
+any of them. Upon which his lordship told him, that parson Carson had
+advised him to be careful, as he had lost his spaniel but the day
+before. "It may be so," replied he, "the parson knows but little of me,
+or the laws of our community, if he is ignorant that with us ingratitude
+is unknown, and the property of our friends always sacred." His
+lordship, hearing this, entertained him very handsomely, and both
+himself and his brother made him a present.
+
+On his return home, he reflected how idly he had spent the prime of
+life; and recovering from a severe illness, he came to a resolution of
+resigning the Egyptian sceptre. The assembly, finding him determined,
+reluctantly acquiesced, and he departed amidst the applause and sighs of
+his subjects.
+
+Our adventurer, finding the air of the town not rightly to agree with
+him, and the death of some of his relations rendering his circumstances
+quite easy, he retired to the western parts, to a neat purchase he had
+made, and there he ended his days, beloved and esteemed by all; leaving
+his daughter (his wife dying some time before him) a genteel fortune,
+who was married to a neighbouring young gentleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                   COMICAL SAYINGS
+
+                         OF
+
+                   PADDY FROM CORK
+
+                      WITH HIS
+
+               COAT BUTTONED BEHIND
+
+   Being an Elegant Conference between English Tom and
+                      Irish Teague;
+              WITH PADDY'S CATECHISM,
+    And his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor.
+
+
+
+
+    PART I.
+
+
+_Tom._ GOOD morrow, sir. This is a very cold day.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, yesternight was a very cold morning.
+
+_Tom._ Well, brother traveller, of what nation art thou?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I came from my own kingdom.
+
+_Tom._ Why, I know that; but where is thy kingdom?
+
+_Teag._ Allelieu, dear honey, don't you know Cork in Ireland?
+
+_Tom._ You fool, Cork is not a kingdom, but a city.
+
+_Teag._ Then, dear shoy, I'm sure it is in a kingdom.
+
+_Tom._ And what is the reason you have come and left your own dear
+country?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, by Shaint Patrick, they have got such comical
+laws in our country that they will put a man to death in perfect health;
+so, to be free and plain with you, neighbour, I was obliged to come
+away, for I did not choose to stay among such a people that can hang a
+poor man when they please, if he either steals, robs, or kills a man.
+
+_Tom._ Ay, but I take you to be more of an honest man than to steal,
+rob, or kill a man.
+
+_Teag._ Honest, I am perfectly honest. When I was but a child my mother
+would have trusted me with a house full of mill-stones.
+
+_Tom._ What was the matter? Was you guilty of nothing?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I did harm to nobody, but fancied an old
+gentleman's gun, and afterwards made it my own.
+
+_Tom._ Very well, boy, and did you keep it so?
+
+_Teag._ Keep it? I would have kept it with all my heart while I lived.
+Death itself could not have parted us; but the old rogue, the gentleman,
+being a justice of peace himself, had me tried for the rights of it, and
+how I came by it, and so took it again.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you clear yourself without punishment?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I told him a parcel of lies, but they would not
+believe me, for I said that I got it from my father when it was a little
+pistol, and I had kept it till it had grown a gun, and was designed to
+use it well until it had grown a big cannon, and then sell it to the
+military. They all fell a-laughing at me as I had been a fool, and bade
+me go home to my mother and clean the potatoes.
+
+_Tom._ How long is it since you left your own country?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I do not mind whether it be a fortnight or
+four months; but I think myself it is a long time. They tell me my
+mother is dead since, but I won't believe it until I get a letter from
+her own hand, for she is a very good scholar, suppose she can neither
+write nor read.
+
+_Tom._ Was you ever in England before?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, that I was, and in Scotland too.
+
+_Tom._ And were they kind to you when you were in Scotland?
+
+_Teag._ They were that kind that they kicked me, and the reason was
+because I would not pay the whole of the liquor that was drunk in the
+company, though the landlord and his two sons got mouthful about of it
+all, and I told them it was a trick upon travellers first to drink his
+liquor, and then to kick him out of doors.
+
+_Tom._ I really think they have used you badly, but could you not beat
+them.
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, beat them all to their own contentment; but
+there was one of them stronger than me who would have killed me if the
+other two had not pulled me away, and I had to run for it till his
+passion was over. Then they made us drink and gree again; we shook
+hands, and made a bargain never to harm other more; but this bargain did
+not last long, for, as I was kissing his mouth, by Shaint Patrick I bit
+his nose, which caused him to beat me very sore for my pains.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what calling was you when in Scotland?
+
+_Teag._ Why, sir, I was no business at all, but what do you call the
+green tree that's like a whin bush, people makes a thing to sweep the
+house of it!
+
+_Tom._ O, yes, Paddy, they call it the broom.
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, you have it, I was a gentleman's broom, only waited on
+his horses, and washed the dishes for the cook; and when my master rode
+a-hunting I went behind with the dogs.
+
+_Tom._ O, yes, Paddy, it was the groom you mean. But I fancy you was
+cook's mate or kitchen boy.
+
+_Teag._ No, no, it was the broom that I was; and if I had stayed there
+till now I might have been advanced as high as my master, for the ladies
+loved me so well that they laughed at me.
+
+_Tom._ They might admire you for a fool.
+
+_Teag._ What, sir, do you imagine that I am not a fool? No, no; my
+master asked counsel of me in all his matters, and I always give him a
+reason for everything. I told him one morning that he went too soon to
+the hunting, that the hares were not got out of their beds, and neither
+the barking of horns nor the blowing of dogs could make them rise, it
+was such a cold morning that night; so they all ran away that we
+catched, when we did not see them. Then my master told my words to
+several gentlemen that were at dinner, and they admired me for want of
+judgment, for my head was all of a lump, adding they were going
+a-fishing along with my master and me in the afternoon; but I told them
+that it was a very unhappy thing for any man to go a-hunting in the
+morning and a-fishing in the afternoon. They would try it, but they had
+better stayed at home, for it came on a most terrible fine night of
+south-west rain, and even down wind; so the fishes got all below the
+water to keep themselves dry from the shower, and we catched them all,
+but got none.
+
+_Tom._ How long did you serve that gentleman, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was with him six weeks, and he beat me seven
+times.
+
+_Tom._ For what did he beat you? Was it for your madness and foolish
+tricks?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, it was not, but for being too inquisitive, and going
+sharply about business. First, he sent me to the post office to inquire
+if there were any letters for him; so when I came there, said I, "Is
+there any letters here for my master to-day?" Then they asked who was my
+master. "Sir," said I, "it is very bad manners in you to ask any
+gentleman's name." At this they laughed, mocking me, and said they could
+give me none if I would not tell my master's name; so I returned to my
+master and told him the impudence of the fellow, who would give me no
+letters unless I would tell him your name, master. My master at this
+flew in a passion, and kicked me down stairs, saying, "Go, you rogue,
+and tell my name directly. How can the gentleman give letters when he
+knows not who is asking for them?" Then I returned and told my master's
+name; so they told me there was one for him. I looked at it, being very
+small, and, asking the price of it, they told me it was sixpence.
+"Sixpence," said I; "will you take sixpence for that small thing, and
+selling bigger ones for twopence. Faith, I am not such a big fool. You
+think to cheat me now. This is not a conscionable way of dealing. I'll
+acquaint my master with it first." So I came and told my master how they
+would have sixpence for his letter, and was selling bigger ones for
+twopence. He took up my head and broke his cane with it, calling me a
+thousand fools, saying the man was more just than to take anything but
+the right for it; but I was sure there was none of them right, buying
+and selling such dear pennyworths. So I came again for my dear sixpence
+letter; and, as the fellow was shuffling through a parcel of them,
+seeking for it again, to make the best of a dear market, I picked up
+two, and home I comes to my master, thinking he would be pleased with
+what I had done. "Now," said I, "master, I think I have put a trick upon
+them fellows for selling the letter to you." "What have you done." "I
+have only taken other two letters. Here's one for you, master, to help
+your dear penny-worth, and I'll send the other to my mother to see
+whether she be dead or alive, for she's always angry I don't write to
+her." I had not the word well spoken till he got up his stick and beat
+me heartily for it, and sent me back to the fellows again with the two.
+I had a very ill will to go, but nobody would buy them of me.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, I think you was to blame, and your master, too, for
+he ought to have taught you how to go about these affairs, and not beat
+you so.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I had too much wit of my own to be teached by
+him, or anybody else. He began to instruct me after that how I should
+serve the table, and such nasty things as those. One night I took ben a
+roasted fish in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. The old
+gentleman was so saucy he would not take it, and told me I should bring
+nothing to him without a trencher below it. The same night, as he was
+going to bed, he called for his slippers; so I clapt a trencher below
+the slippers, and ben I goes. No sooner did I enter the room than he
+threw the trencher at me, which broke both my head and the trencher at
+one blow. "Now," said I, "the evil one is in my master altogether, for
+what he commands at one time he countermands at another." Next day I
+went with him to the market to buy a sack of potatoes. I went to the
+potato-monger, and asked what he took for the full of a Scot's cog. He
+weighed them in. He asked no less than fourpence. "Fourpence!" said I;
+"if I were but in Dublin I could get the double of that for nothing, and
+in Cork and Linsale far cheaper. Them is but small things like pease,"
+said I, "but the potatoes in my country is as big as your head--fine
+meat, all made up in blessed mouthfuls." The potato merchant called me a
+liar, and my master called me a fool; so the one fell a-kicking me and
+the other a-cuffing me. I was in such bad bread among them that I called
+myself both a liar and a fool to get off alive.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you carry your potatoes home from the market?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I carried the horse and them both, besides a
+big loaf, and two bottles of wine; for I put the old horse on my back,
+and drove the potatoes before me; and when I tied the load to the loaf,
+I had nothing to do but to carry the bottle in my hand; but bad luck to
+the way as I came home, for a nail out of the heel of my foot sprung a
+leak in my brogue, which pricked the very bone, bruised the skin, and
+made my brogue itself to blood; and I having no hammer by me, but a
+hatchet I left at home, I had to beat down the nail with the bottom of
+the bottle; and by the book, dear shoy, it broke to pieces, and
+scattered the wine in my mouth.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you recompense your master for the loss of the bottle
+of wine?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I had a mind to cheat him, and myself too, for
+I took the bottle to a blacksmith, and desired him to mend it, that I
+might go to the butcher and get it full of bloody water; but he told me
+he could not work in anything but steel and iron. "Arra," said I, "if I
+were in my own kingdom, I could get a blacksmith who would make a bottle
+out of a stone, and a stone out of nothing."
+
+_Tom._ And how did you trick your master out of it?
+
+_Teag._ Why, the old rogue began to chide me, asking me what way I broke
+it. Then I held up the other as high as my head, and let it fall to the
+ground on a stone, which broke it all to pieces likewise. "Now," said I,
+"master, that's the way," and he beat me very heartily until I had to
+shout out mercy and murder all at once.
+
+_Tom._ Why did you not leave him when he used you so badly?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I could never think to leave him while I could
+eat; he gave me so many good victuals, and promised to prefer me to be
+his own bone-picker. But, by Shaint Patrick, I had to run away with my
+life or all was done, else I had lost my dear shoul and body too by him,
+and then come home much poorer than I went away. The great big bitch
+dog, which was my master's best beloved, put his head into a pitcher to
+lick out some milk, and when it was in he could not get it out; and I,
+to save the pitcher, got the hatchet and cut off the dog's head, and
+then I had to break the pitcher to get out the head. By this I lost both
+the dog and the pitcher. My master, hearing of this, swore he would cut
+the head off me, for the poor dog was made useless, and could not see to
+follow anybody for want of his eyes. And when I heard of this, I ran
+away with my own head, for, if I had wanted it, I had lost my eyes too,
+then I would not have seen the road to Port Patrick, through Glen-nap;
+but, by Shaint Patrick, I came home alive in spite of them.
+
+_Tom._ O, rarely done, Paddy; you behaved like a man! But what is the
+reason that you Irish people swear always by Saint Patrick?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, he was the best shaint in the world, the
+father of all good people in the kingdom. He has a great kindness for an
+Irishman when he hears him calling on his name.
+
+_Tom._ But, Paddy, is Saint Patrick yet alive?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I don't know whether he be dead or alive, but
+it is a long time since they killed him. The people all turned heathens,
+but he would not change his profession, and was going to run the country
+with it, and for taking the gospel away to England, so the barbarous
+Tories of Dublin cutted off his head; and he swimmed over to England,
+and carried his head in his teeth.
+
+
+    PART II.
+
+_Tom._ How did you get safe out of Scotland?
+
+_Tom._ By the law, dear honey. When I came to Port Patrick, and saw my
+own kingdom, I knew I was safe at home, but I was clean dead, and almost
+drowned before I could get riding over the water; for I, with nine
+passengers more, leapt into a little young boat, having but four men
+dwelling in a little house in the one end of it, which was all thacked
+with deals; and, after they had pulled up her tether-stick, and laid her
+long halter over her mane, they pulled up a long sheet, like three pair
+of blankets, to the rigging of the house, and the wind blew in that,
+which made her gallop up one hill and down another, till I thought she
+would have run to the world's end.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, and where did you go when you came to Ireland again?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, and where did I go but to my own dear cousin,
+who was now become very rich by the death of the old buck, his father,
+who died but a few weeks before I went over, and the parish had to bury
+him out of pity; it did not cost him a farthing.
+
+_Tom._ And what entertainment did you get there?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, I was kindly used as another gentleman, and
+would have stayed there long enough, but when a man is poor his friends
+think little of him. I told him I was going to see my brother Harry.
+"Harry!" said he, "Harry is dead." "Dead!" said I, "and who killed him?"
+"Why," said he, "Death." "Allelieu, dear honey, and where did he kill
+him?" said I. "In his bed," says he. "Arra, dear honey," said I, "if he
+had been upon Newry mountains, with his brogues on, and his broad sword
+by his side, all the deaths in Ireland had not have killed him. O that
+impudent fellow Death. If he had let him alone till he died for want of
+butter milk and potatoes, I am sure he had lived all the days of his
+life."
+
+_Tom._ In all your travels when abroad, did you never see none of your
+countrymen to inform you of what happened at home concerning your
+relations?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I saw none but Tom Jack, one day in the street;
+but when I came to him, it was not him, but one just like him.
+
+_Tom._ On what account did you go a-travelling?
+
+_Teag._ Why, a recruiting sergeant listed me to be a captain, and after
+all advanced me no higher than a soldier itself, but only he called me
+his dear countryman recruit, for I did not know what the regiment was
+when I saw them. I thought they were all gentlemen's sons and
+collegioners, when I saw a box like a Bible upon their bellies, until I
+saw G for King George upon it, and R for God bless him. "Ho, ho," said
+I, "I shan't be long here."
+
+_Tom._ O, then, Paddy, you deserted from them?
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, and ran to the mountains like a buck, and
+ever since when I see any soldiers I close my eyes, lest they should
+look and know me.
+
+_Tom._ And what exploits did you when you was a soldier?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I killed a man.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you do that?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, when he dropt his sword I drew mine, and
+advanced boldly to him, and then cutted off his foot.
+
+_Tom._ O, then, what a big fool was you, for you ought first to have cut
+off his head.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, his head was cutted off before I engaged him,
+else I had not done it.
+
+_Tom._ O, then, Paddy, you acted like a fool; but you are not such a big
+fool as many take you to be. You might pass for a philosopher.
+
+_Teag._ A fulusipher. My father was a fulusipher; besides, he was a man
+under great authority by law, condemning the just and clearing the
+guilty. Do you know how they call the horse's mother?
+
+_Tom._ Why, they call her a mare.
+
+_Teag._ A mare, ay, very well minded. My father was a mare in Cork.
+
+_Tom._ And what riches was left you by the death of your mother?
+
+_Teag._ A bad luck to her own barren belly, for she lived in great
+plenty, and died in great poverty; devoured up all or she died, but two
+hens and a pockful of potatoes--a poor estate for an Irish gentleman, in
+faith.
+
+_Tom._ And what did you make of the hens and potatoes? Did you sow them?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I sowed them in my belly, and sold the hens to
+a cadger.
+
+_Tom._ What business did your mother follow after?
+
+_Teag._ Greatly in the merchant way.
+
+_Tom._ And what sort of goods did she deal in?
+
+_Teag._ Dear honey, she went through the country and sold small fishes,
+onions, and apples; bought hens and eggs, and then hatched them herself.
+I remember of a long-necked cock she had, of an oversea brood, that
+stood on the midden and picked all the stars out of the north-west, so
+they were never so thick there since.
+
+_Tom._ Now, Paddy, that's a bull surpasses all; but is there none of
+that cock's offspring alive now?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I don't think there are; but it is a pity but
+that they had, for they would fly with people above the sea, which would
+put the use of ships out of fashion, and nobody would be drowned at all.
+
+_Tom._ Very well, Paddy, but in all your travels did you ever get a
+wife?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, that's what I did, and a wicked wife, too; and, my dear
+shoy, I can't tell whether she is gone to Purgatory or the parish of
+Pig-trantrum, for she told me she should certainly die the first
+opportunity she could get, as this present evil world was not worth the
+waiting on, so she would go and see what good things is in the world to
+come; so when that old rover called the Fever came raging over the whole
+kingdom, she went away and died out of spite, leaving me nothing.
+
+_Tom._ O, but, Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor, and got some
+pills and physic for her.
+
+_Teag._ By Shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own as any doctor
+in the kingdom could give her.
+
+_Tom._ O, you fool, that is not what I mean. You ought to have brought
+the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood off her if he thought it
+needful.
+
+_Teag._ Yes, that's what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever she
+died, and sought something for a dead or dying woman. The old foolish
+devil was at his dinner, and began to ask me some stupid questions, and
+then kicked me down stairs.
+
+_Tom._ And in what good order did you bury your wife when she died?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, she was buried in all manner of pomp, pride,
+and splendour--a fine coffin, with cords in it; and within the coffin,
+along with herself, she got a pair of new brogues, a penny candle, a
+good, hard-headed old hammer, with an Irish sixpenny piece, to pay her
+passage at the gate, and what more could she look for?
+
+_Tom._ I really think you gave her enough along with her, but you ought
+to have cried for her, if it was no more but to be in the fashion.
+
+_Teag._ And why should I cry without sorrow, when we hired two criers to
+cry all the way before her to keep her in the fashion?
+
+_Tom._ And what do they cry before a dead woman?
+
+_Teag._ Why, they cry the common cry, or funeral lament, that is used in
+our Irish country.
+
+_Tom._ And what manner of cry is that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Dear Tom, if you don't know I'll tell you. When any person dies
+there is a number of criers goes before, saying, "Luff, fuff, fou,
+allelieu, dear honey, what aileth thee to die! It was not for want of
+good butter milk and potatoes."
+
+
+    PART III.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, and what did you do when your wife died?
+
+_Teag._ Dear honey, what would I do? Do you think I was such a big fool
+as to die too? I am sure if I had I would not have got fair play, when I
+am not so old yet as my father was when he died.
+
+_Tom._ No, Paddy, it is not that I mean. Was you sorry, or did you weep
+for her?
+
+_Teag._ Weep for her! By Shaint Patrick, I would not weep, nor yet be
+sorry, suppose my own mother and all the women in Ireland had died seven
+years before I was born.
+
+_Tom._ What did you do with your children when she died?
+
+_Teag._ Do you imagine I was such a big fool as bury my children alive
+along with a dead woman? Arra, dear honey, we always commonly give
+nothing along with a dead person but an old shirt, a winding sheet, a
+big hammer, with a long candle, and an Irish silver threepenny piece.
+
+_Tom._ Dear Paddy, and what do they make of all these things?
+
+_Teag._ Then, Tom, since you are so inquisitive, you must go ask the
+priest.
+
+_Tom._ What did you make of your children, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ And what should I make of them? Do you imagine that I should
+give them into the hands of the butchers, as they had been a parcel of
+young hogs. By Shaint Patrick, I had more unnaturality in me than to put
+them in an hospital as others do.
+
+_Tom._ No; I suppose you would leave them with your friends?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, a poor man's friends is sometimes worse than a professed
+enemy. The best friend I ever had in the world was my own pocket while
+my money lasted; but I left two babes between the priest's door and the
+parish church, because I thought it was a place of mercy, and then set
+out for England in quest of another fortune.
+
+_Tom._ I fancy, Paddy, you came off with what they call a moonshine
+flitting.
+
+_Teag._ You lie like a thief now, for I did not see sun, moon, nor
+stars, all the night then, for I set out for Cork at the dawn of night,
+and I had travelled twenty miles all but twelve before gloaming in the
+morning.
+
+_Tom._ And where did you go to take shipping?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I came to a country village called Dublin, as
+big a city as any market town in all England, where I got myself aboard
+of a little young boat with a parcel of fellows and a long leather bag.
+I supposed them to be tinklers, until I asked what they carried in that
+leather sack. They told me it was the English mail they were going over
+with. "Then," said I, "is the milns so scant in England that they must
+send over their corn to Ireland to grind it?" The comical, cunning
+fellows persuaded me it was so. Then I went down to a little house below
+the water, hard by the rigg-back of the boat, and laid me down on their
+leather sack, where I slept myself almost to death with hunger. And,
+dear Tom, to tell you plainly, when I waked I did not know where I was,
+but thought I was dead and buried, for I found nothing all round me but
+wooden walls and timber above.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you come to yourself to know where you was at last?
+
+_Teag._ By the law, dear shoy, I scratched my head in a hundred parts,
+and then set me down to think upon it; so I minded it was my wife that
+was dead, and not me, and that I was alive in the young boat with the
+fellows that carries over the English meal from the Irish milns.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, then, Paddy, I am sure you was glad when you found yourself
+alive?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I was very sure I was alive, but I did not
+think to live long, so I thought it was better for me to steal and be
+hanged than to live all my days and die directly with hunger at last.
+
+_Tom._ Had you no meat nor money along with you?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I gave all the money to the captain of the
+house, or gudeman of the ship, to take me into the sea or over to
+England; and when I was like to eat my old brogues for want of victuals,
+I drew my hanger and cut the lock of the leather sack to get a lick of
+their meal; but, allelieu, dear shoy, I found neither meal nor seeds,
+but a parcel of papers and letters--a poor morsel for a hungry man.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, then, Paddy, you laid down your honesty for nothing.
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, I was a great thief, but got nothing to steal.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you get victuals at last?
+
+_Teag._ Allelieu, dear honey, the thoughts of meat and drink, death and
+life, and everything else, was out of mind. I had not a thought but one.
+
+_Tom._ And what was that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ To go down among the fishes and become a whale; then I would
+have lived at ease all my days, having nothing to do but to drink salt
+water and eat caller oysters.
+
+_Tom._ What was you like to be drowned again?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, drowned, as cleanly drowned as a fish, for the sea blew
+very loud, and the wind ran so high, that we were all cast safe on
+shore, and not one of us drowned at all.
+
+_Tom._ Where did you go when you came on shore?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was not able to go anywhere. You might cast
+a knot on my belly, I was so hollow in the middle, so I went into a
+gentleman's house and told him the bad fortune I had of being drowned
+between Ireland and the foot of his garden, where we came all safe
+ashore. But all the comfort I got from him was a word of truth.
+
+_Tom._ And what was that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Why, he told me if I had been a good boy at home I needed not to
+have gone so far to push my fortune with an empty pocket, to which I
+answered, "And what magnifies that so long as I am a good workman at no
+trade at all?"
+
+_Tom._ I suppose, Paddy, the gentleman would make you dine with him?
+
+_Teag._ I really thought I was when I saw them roasting and skinning so
+many black chickens, which was nothing but a few dead crows they were
+going to eat. "Ho ho," said I, "them is but dry meat at the best. Of all
+the fowls that flee commend me to the wing of an ox; but all that came
+to my share was a piece of boiled herring and a roasted potato. That was
+the first bit of bread I ever ate in England."
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what business did you follow after in England when
+you was so poor?
+
+_Teag._ What, sir, do you imagine I was poor when I came over on such an
+honourable occasion as to list, and bring myself to no preferment at
+all? As I was an able-bodied man in the face, I thought to be made a
+brigadeer, a grandedeer, or a fuzeleer, or even one of them blew-gowns
+that holds the fierry stick to the bung-hole of the big cannons when
+they let them off to fright away the French. I was as sure as no man
+alive ere I came from Cork, the least preferment I could get was to be
+riding master to a regiment of marines, or one of the black horse
+itself.
+
+_Tom._ And where in England was it you listed?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I was going through a little country village.
+The streets were very sore by reason of the hardness of my feet and
+lameness of my brogues, so I went but very slowly across the streets.
+From port to port is a pretty long way; but I, being weary, thought
+nothing of it. Then the people came all crowding to me as I had been a
+world's wonder, or the wandering Jew, for the rain blew in my face and
+the wind wetted all my belly, which caused me to turn the back of my
+coat before and my buttons behind, which was a good safeguard to my
+body, and the starvation of my naked body, for I had not a good shirt.
+
+_Tom._ I am sure, then, Paddy, they would take you for a fool?
+
+_Teag._ No, no, sir; they admired me for my wisdom, for I always turned
+my buttons before when the wind blew behind; but I wondered how the
+people knew my name and where I came from, for every one told another
+that was Paddy from Cork. I suppose they knew my face by seeing my name
+in the newspapers.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what business did you follow in the village?
+
+_Teag._ To be sure I was not idle, working at nothing at all, till a
+decruiting sergeant came to town with two or three fellows along with
+him, one beating on a fiddle, and another playing on a drum, tossing
+their airs through the streets, as if they were going to be married. I
+saw them courting none but young men, so, to bring myself to no
+preferment at all, I listed for a soldier. I was too big for a
+grandedeer.
+
+_Tom._ What listing money did you get, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I got five thirteens and a pair of English
+brogues. The guinea, and the rest of the gold, was sent to London to the
+King, my master, to buy me new shirts, a cockade, and common treasing
+for my hat. They made me swear the malicious oath of devilry against the
+king, the colours, and my captain, telling me if ever I desert and not
+run away that I should be shot, and then whipt to death through the
+regiment.
+
+_Tom._ No, Paddy; it is first whipt, and then shot, you mean.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, it is all one thing at last; but it is best to
+be shot and then whipt--the cleverest way to die I'll warrant you.
+
+_Tom._ How much pay did you get, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Do you know the little tall fat sergeant that feed me to be a
+soldier?
+
+_Tom._ And how should I know them I never saw, you fool?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, you may know him whether you see him or not. His face
+is all bored in holes with the smallpox, his nose is the colour of a
+lobster-toe, and his chin like a well washen potato. He's the biggest
+rogue in our kingdom. You'll know him when you meet him again. The rogue
+height me sixpence a day, kill or no kill; and when I laid Sunday and
+Saturday both together, and all the days in one day, I can't make a
+penny above fivepence of it.
+
+_Tom._ You should have kept an account, and asked your arrears once a
+month.
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, but he reads a paternoster out of his prayer
+book, wherein all our names are written; so much for a stop-hold to my
+gun, to bucklers, to a pair of comical harn-hose, with leather buttons
+from top to toe; and, worst of all, he would have no less than a penny a
+week to a doctor. "Arra," said I, "I never had a sore finger, nor yet a
+sick toe, all the days of my life; then what have I to do with the
+doctor, or the doctor to do with me."
+
+_Tom._ And did he make you pay all these things?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, pay and better pay: he took me before his captain, who
+made me pay all was in his book. "Arra, master captain," said I, "you
+are a comical sort of a fellow now; you might as well make me pay for my
+coffin before I be dead, as to pay for a doctor before I be sick;" to
+which he answered in a passion, "Sir," said he, "I have seen many a
+better man buried without a coffin;" "Sir," said I, "then I'll have a
+coffin, die when I will, if there be as much wood in all the world, or I
+shall not be buried at all." Then he called for the sergeant, saying,
+"You, sir, go and buy that man's coffin, and put it in the store till he
+die, and stop sixpence a week off his pay for it." "No, no, sir," said
+I, "I'll rather die without a coffin, and seek none when I'm dead, but
+if you are for clipping another sixpence off my pay, keep it all to
+yourself, and I'll swear all your oaths of agreement we had back again,
+and then seek soldiers where you will."
+
+_Tom._ O then, Paddy, how did you end the matter?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, by the nights of Shaint Patrick and help of my
+brogues, I both ended it and mended it, for the next night before that,
+I gave them leg bail for my fidelity, and went about the country a
+fortune-teller, dumb and deaf as I was not.
+
+_Tom._ How old was you, Paddy, when you was a soldier last?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was three dozen all but two, and it is only
+two years since, so I want only four years of three dozen yet, and when,
+I live six dozen more, I'll be older than I am, I warrant you.
+
+_Tom._ O but, Paddy, by your account you are three dozen of years old
+already:
+
+_Teag._ O what for a big fool are you now, Tom, when you count the years
+I lay sick; which time I count no time at all.
+
+
+PADDY'S NEW CATECHISM.
+
+_Tom._ Of all the opinions professed in religion tell me now, Paddy, of
+what profession art thou?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, my religion was too weighty a matter to carry
+out of mine own country: I was afraid that you English Presbyterians
+should pluck it away from me.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, was your religion such a load that you could not
+carry it along with you?
+
+_Teag._ Yes, that it was, but I carried it always about with me when at
+home, my sweet cross upon my dear breast, bound to my dear button hole.
+
+_Tom._ And what manner of worship did you perform by that?
+
+_Teag._ Why, I adored the cross, the pope, and the priest, cursed Oliver
+as black as crow, and swears myself a cut throat against all Protestants
+and church of Englandmen.
+
+_Tom._ And what is the matter but you would be a church of Englandmen,
+or a Scotch Presbyterian yourself, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Because it is unnatural for an Irishman: but had Shaint Patrick
+been a Presbyterian, I had been the same.
+
+_Tom._ And for what reason would you be a Presbyterian then, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Because they have liberty to eat flesh in lent, and everything
+that's fit for the belly.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, are you such a lover of flesh that you would change
+your profession for it?
+
+_Teag._ O yes, that's what I would. I love flesh of all kinds, sheep's
+beef, swine's mutton, hare's flesh, and hen's venison; but our religion
+is one of the hungriest in all the world, ah! but it makes my teeth to
+weep, and my stomach to water, when I see the Scotch Presbyterians, and
+English churchmen, in time of lent, feeding upon bulls' and sheep's
+young children.
+
+_Tom._ What reward will you get when you are dead, for punishing your
+stomach so while you are alive?
+
+_Teag._ By Shaint Patrick I'll live like a king when I'm dead, for I
+will neither pay for meat nor drink.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, do you think that you are to come alive again when
+you are dead?
+
+_Teag._ O yes, we that are true Roman Catholics will live a long time
+after we are dead; when we die in love with the priests, and the good
+people of our profession.
+
+_Tom._ And what assurance can your priest give you of that?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, our priest is a great shaint, a good shoul, who
+can repeat a paternoster and Ave Maria, which will fright the very
+horned devil himself, and make him run for it, until he be like to fall
+and break his neck.
+
+_Tom._ And what does he give you when you are dying? that makes you come
+alive again?
+
+_Teag._ Why, he writes a letter upon our tongues, sealed with a wafer,
+gives us a sacrament in our mouth, with a pardon, and direction in our
+right hand, who to call for at the ports of Purgatory.
+
+_Tom._ And what money design you to give the priest for your pardon?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, I wish I had first the money he would take for it, I
+would rather drink it myself, and then give him both my bill and my
+honest word, payable in the other world.
+
+_Tom._ And how then are you to get a passage to the other world, or who
+is to carry you there?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, Tom, you know nothing of the matter: for when I
+die, they will bury my body, flesh, blood, dirt, and bones, only my skin
+will be blown up full of wind and spirit, my dear shoul I mean; and then
+I will be blown over to the other world on the wings of the wind; and
+after that I'll never be killed, hanged, nor drowned, nor yet die in my
+bed, for when any hits me a blow, my new body will play buff upon it
+like a bladder.
+
+_Tom._ But what way will you go to the new world, or where is it?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, the priest knows where it is, but I do not, but
+the Pope of Rome keeps the outer-port, Shaint Patrick the inner-port,
+and gives us a direction of the way to Shaint Patrick's palace, which
+stands on the head of the Stalian loch, where I'll have no more to do
+but chap at the gate.
+
+_Tom._ What is the need for chapping at the gate, is it not always open?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, you know little about it, for there is none can enter
+but red hot Irishmen, for when I call Allelieu, dear honey, Shaint
+Patrick countenance your own dear countryman if you will, then the gates
+will be opened directly for me, for he knows and loves an Irishman's
+voice, as he loves his own heart.
+
+_Tom._ And what entertainment will you get when you are in?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear, we are all kept there until a general review, which
+is commonly once in the week; and then we are drawn up like as many
+young recruits, and all the blackguard scoundrels is picked out of the
+ranks, and one half of them is sent away to the Elysian fields, to curry
+the weeds from among the potatoes, the other half of them to the River
+sticks, to catch fishes for Shaint Patrick's table, and them that is
+owing the priests any money is put in the black hole, and then given to
+the hands of a great black bitch of a devil, which is keeped for a
+hangman, who whips them up and down the smoky dungeon every morning for
+six months.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, are you to do as much justice to a Protestant as a
+Papist?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, the most justice we are commanded to do a
+Protestant, is to whip and torment them until they confess themselves in
+the Romish faith; and then cut their throats that they may die
+believers.
+
+_Tom._ What business do you follow after at present?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I am a mountain sailor and my supplication is
+as follows--
+
+
+    PADDY'S HUMBLE PETITION, OR SUPPLICATION.
+
+Good Christian people, behold me a man! who has com'd through a world of
+wonders, a hell full of hardships, dangers by sea, and dangers by land,
+and yet I am alive; you may see my hand crooked like a fowl's foot, and
+that is no wonder at all considering my sufferings and sorrows. Oh! oh!
+oh! good people. I was a man in my time who had plenty of the gold,
+plenty of the silver, plenty of the clothes, plenty of the butter, the
+beer, beef, and biscuit. And now I have nothing: being taken by the
+Turks and relieved by the Spaniards, lay sixty-six days at the siege of
+Gibraltar, and got nothing to eat but sea wreck and raw mussels; put to
+sea for our safety, cast upon the Barbarian coast, among the wicked
+Algerines, where we were taken and tied with tugs and tadders, horse
+locks, and cow chains: then cut and castcate yard and testicle quite
+away, put in your hand and feel how every female's made smooth by the
+sheer bone, where nothing is to be seen but what is natural. Then made
+our escape to the desart wild wilderness of Arabia; where we lived among
+the wild asses, upon wind, sand, and sapless ling. Afterwards put to sea
+in the hull of an old house, where we were tossed above and below the
+clouds, being driven through thickets and groves by fierce, coarse,
+calm, and contrary winds: at last, was cast upon Salisbury plains, where
+our vessel was dashed to pieces against a cabbage stock. And now my
+humble petition to you, good Christian people, is for one hundred of
+your beef, one hundred of your butter, another of your cheese, a cask of
+your biscuit, a tun of your beer, a keg of your rum, with a pipe of your
+wine, a lump of your gold, a piece of your silver, a few of your
+half-pence or farthings, a waught of your butter milk, a pair of your
+old breeches, stockings, or shoes, even a chaw of tobacco for charity's
+sake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                DICK WHITTINGTON
+
+                        AND
+
+                     HIS CAT.
+
+
+In the reign of the famous King Edward the Third, there was a little boy
+called Dick Whittington, whose father and mother died when he was very
+young, so that he remembered nothing at all about them, and was left a
+dirty little fellow running about a country village. As poor Dick was
+not old enough to work, he was in a sorry plight. He got but little for
+his dinner, and sometimes nothing at all for his breakfast, for the
+people who lived in the village were very poor themselves, and could
+spare him little more than the parings of potatoes, and now and then a
+hard crust.
+
+For all this, Dick Whittington was a very sharp boy, and was always
+listening to what every one talked about.
+
+On Sundays he never failed to get near the farmers, as they sat talking
+on the tombstones in the churchyard before the parson was come; and once
+a week you might be sure to see little Dick leaning against the
+sign-post of the village ale-house, where people stopped to drink as
+they came from the next market town; and whenever the barber's shopdoor
+was open Dick listened to all the news he told his customers.
+
+In this manner Dick heard of the great city called London; how the
+people who lived there were all fine gentlemen and ladies; that there
+were singing and music in it all day long; and that the streets were
+paved all over with gold.
+
+One day a waggoner, with a large waggon and eight horses, all with bells
+at their heads, drove through the village while Dick was lounging near
+his favourite sign-post. The thought immediately struck him that it must
+be going to the fine town of London; and taking courage he asked the
+waggoner to let him walk with him by the side of the waggon. The man,
+hearing from poor Dick that he had no parents, and seeing by his ragged
+condition that he could not be worse off, told him he might go if he
+would; so they set off together.
+
+Dick got safe to London; and so eager was he to see the fine streets,
+paved all over with gold that he ran as fast as his legs would carry him
+through several streets, expecting every moment to come to those that
+were all paved with gold, for Dick had three times seen a guinea in his
+own village, and observed what a great deal of money it brought in
+change; so he imagined he had only to take up some little bits of the
+pavement to have as much money as he desired.
+
+Poor Dick ran till he was tired, and at last, finding it grow dark, and
+that whichever way he turned he saw nothing but dirt instead of gold, he
+sat down in a dark corner and cried himself asleep.
+
+Little Dick remained all night in the streets; and next morning, finding
+himself very hungry, he got up and walked about, asking those he met to
+give him a halfpenny to keep him from starving; but nobody stayed to
+answer him, and only two or three gave him anything, so that the poor
+boy was soon in the most miserable condition. Being almost starved to
+death, he laid himself down at the door of one Mr. Fitzwarren, a great
+rich merchant. Here he was soon perceived by the cook-maid, who was an
+ill-tempered creature, and happened just then to be very busy dressing
+dinner for her master and mistress; so, seeing poor Dick, she called
+out, "What business have you there, you lazy rogue? There is nothing
+else but beggars; if you do not take yourself away, we will see how you
+will like a sousing of some dish water I have here that is hot enough to
+make you caper."
+
+Just at this time Mr. Fitzwarren himself came home from the city to
+dinner, and, seeing a dirty, ragged boy lying at the door, said to him,
+"Why do you lie there, my lad? You seem old enough to work. I fear you
+must be somewhat idle." "No, indeed, sir," says Whittington, "that is
+not true, for I would work with all my heart, but I know nobody, and I
+believe I am very sick for want of food."
+
+"Poor fellow!" answered Mr. Fitzwarren.
+
+Dick now tried to rise, but was obliged to lie down again, being too
+weak to stand, for he had not eaten anything for three days, and was no
+longer able to run about and beg a halfpenny of people in the streets;
+so the kind merchant ordered that he should be taken into his house, and
+have a good dinner immediately, and that he should be kept to do what
+dirty work he was able for the cook.
+
+Little Dick would have lived very happily in this worthy family had it
+not been for the crabbed cook, who was finding fault and scolding him
+from morning till night, and was withal so fond of roasting and basting
+that, when the spit was out of her hands, she would be at basting poor
+Dick's head and shoulders with a broom, or anything else that happened
+to fall in her way, till at last her ill-usage of him was told to Miss
+Alice, Mr. Fitzwarren's daughter, who asked the ill-tempered creature if
+she was not ashamed to use a little friendless boy so cruelly; and added
+she would certainly be turned away if she did not treat him with more
+kindness.
+
+But though the cook was so ill-tempered, Mr. Fitzwarren's footman was
+quite the contrary. He had lived in the family many years, was rather
+elderly, and had once a little boy of his own, who died when about the
+age of Whittington, so he could not but feel compassion for the poor
+boy.
+
+As the footman was very fond of reading, he used generally in the
+evening to entertain his fellow-servants, when they had done their work,
+with some amusing book. The pleasure our little hero took in hearing him
+made him very much desire to learn to read too; so the next time the
+good-natured footman gave him a halfpenny, he bought a hornbook with it;
+and, with a little of his help, Dick soon learned his letters, and
+afterwards to read.
+
+About this time Miss Alice was going out one morning for a walk, and the
+footman happening to be out of the way, little Dick, who had received
+from Mr. Fitzwarren a neat suit of clothes to go to church on Sundays,
+was ordered to put them on, and walk behind her. As they walked along,
+Miss Alice, seeing a poor woman with one child in her arms and another
+at her back, pulled out her purse, and gave her some money; and, as she
+was putting it again into her pocket, she dropped it on the ground, and
+walked on. Luckily Dick, who was behind, saw what she had done, picked
+it up, and immediately presented it to her.
+
+Besides the ill-humour of the cook, which now, however, was somewhat
+mended, Whittington had another hardship to get over. This was, that his
+bed, which was of flock, was placed in a garret, where there were so
+many holes in the floor and walls that he never went to bed without
+being awakened in his sleep by great numbers of rats and mice, which
+generally ran over his face, and made such a noise that he sometimes
+thought the walls were tumbling down about him.
+
+One day a gentleman who paid a visit to Mr. Fitzwarren happened to have
+dirtied his shoes, and begged they might be cleaned. Dick took great
+pains to make them shine, and the gentleman gave him a penny. This he
+resolved to lay out in buying a cat, if possible; and the next day,
+seeing a little girl with a cat under her arm, he went up to her, and
+asked if she would let him have it for a penny, to which the girl
+replied she would with all her heart, for her mother had more cats than
+she could maintain, adding that the one she had was an excellent mouser.
+
+This cat Whittington hid in the garret, always taking care to carry her
+a part of his dinner; and in a short time he had no further disturbance
+from the rats and mice, but slept as sound as a top.
+
+Soon after this the merchant, who had a ship ready to sail, richly
+laden, and thinking it but just that all his servants should have some
+chance for good luck as well as himself, called them into the parlour,
+and asked them what commodity they chose to send.
+
+All mentioned something they were willing to venture but poor
+Whittington, who, having no money nor goods, could send nothing at all,
+for which reason he did not come in with the rest; but Miss Alice,
+guessing what was the matter, ordered him to be called, and offered to
+lay down some money for him from her own purse; but this, the merchant
+observed, would not do, for it must be something of his own.
+
+Upon this, poor Dick said he had nothing but a cat, which he bought for
+a penny that was given him.
+
+"Fetch thy cat, boy," says Mr. Fitzwarren, "and let her go."
+
+Whittington brought poor puss, and delivered her to the captain with
+tears in his eyes, for he said, "He should now again be kept awake all
+night by the rats and mice."
+
+All the company laughed at the oddity of Whittington's adventure; and
+Miss Alice, who felt the greatest pity for the poor boy, gave him some
+half-pence to buy another cat.
+
+This, and several other marks of kindness shown him by Miss Alice, made
+the ill-tempered cook so jealous of the favours the poor boy received
+that she began to use him more cruelly than ever, and constantly made
+game of him for sending his cat to sea, asking him if he thought it
+would sell for as much money as would buy a halter.
+
+At last the unhappy little fellow, being unable to bear this treatment
+any longer, determined to run away from his place. He accordingly packed
+up the few things that belonged to him, and set out very early in the
+morning on Allhallow Day, which is the first of November. He travelled
+as far as Holloway, and there sat down on a stone, which to this day is
+called Whittington's Stone, and began to consider what course he should
+take.
+
+While he was thus thinking what he could do, Bow Bells, of which there
+were then only six, began to ring, and it seemed to him that their
+sounds addressed him in this manner--
+
+    "Turn again, Whittington,
+    Lord Mayor of London."
+
+"Lord Mayor of London!" says he to himself. "Why, to be sure, I would
+bear anything to be Lord Mayor of London, and ride in a fine coach!
+Well, I will go back, and think nothing of all the cuffing and scolding
+of old Cicely if I am at last to be Lord Mayor of London."
+
+So back went Dick, and got into the house, and set about his business
+before Cicely came down stairs.
+
+The ship, with the cat on board, was long beaten about at sea, and was
+at last driven by contrary winds on a part of the coast of Barbary,
+inhabited by Moors that were unknown to the English.
+
+The natives in this country came in great numbers, out of curiosity, to
+see the people on board, who were all of so different a colour from
+themselves, and treated them with great civility, and, as they became
+better acquainted, showed marks of eagerness to purchase the fine things
+with which the ship was laden.
+
+The captain, seeing this, sent patterns of the choicest articles he had
+to the king of the country, who was so much pleased with them that he
+sent for the captain and his chief mate to the palace. Here they were
+placed, as is the custom of the country, on rich carpets flowered with
+gold and silver; and, the king and queen being seated at the upper end
+of the room, dinner was brought in, which consisted of the greatest
+rarities. No sooner, however, were the dishes set before the company
+than an amazing number of rats and mice rushed in, and helped themselves
+plentifully from every dish, scattering pieces of flesh and gravy all
+about the room.
+
+The captain, extremely astonished, asked if these vermin were not very
+offensive.
+
+"Oh, yes," said they, "very offensive; and the king would give half his
+treasure to be free of them, for they not only destroy his dinner, but
+they disturb him even in his chamber, so that he is obliged to be
+watched while he sleeps."
+
+The captain, who was ready to jump for joy, remembering poor
+Whittington's hard case, and the cat he had entrusted to his care, told
+him he had a creature on board his ship that would kill them all.
+
+The king was still more overjoyed than the captain. "Bring this creature
+to me," says he; "and if she can really perform what you say I will load
+your ship with wedges of gold in exchange for her."
+
+Away flew the captain, while another dinner was providing, to the ship,
+and, taking puss under his arm, returned to the palace in time to see
+the table covered with rats and mice, and the second dinner in a fair
+way to meet with the same fate as the first.
+
+The cat, at sight of them, did not wait for bidding, but sprang from the
+captain's arms, and in a few moments laid the greatest part of the rats
+and mice dead at her feet, while the rest, in the greatest fright
+imaginable, scampered away to their holes.
+
+The king, having seen and considered of the wonderful exploits of Mrs.
+Puss, and being informed she would soon have young ones, which might in
+time destroy all the rats and mice in the country, bargained with the
+captain for his whole ship's cargo, and afterwards agreed to give a
+prodigious quantity of wedges of gold, of still greater value, for the
+cat, with which, after taking leave of their Majesties, and other great
+personages belonging to the court, he, with all his ship's company, set
+sail, with a fair wind, for England, and, after a happy voyage, arrived
+safely in the port of London.
+
+One morning Mr. Fitzwarren had just entered his counting-house, and was
+going to seat himself at the desk, when who should arrive but the
+captain and mate of the merchant ship, the Unicorn, just arrived from
+the coast of Barbary, and followed by several men, bringing with them a
+prodigious quantity of wedges of gold that had been paid by the King of
+Barbary in exchange for the merchandise, and also in exchange for Mrs.
+Puss. Mr. Fitzwarren, the instant he heard the news, ordered Whittington
+to be called, and, having desired him to be seated, said, "Mr.
+Whittington, most heartily do I rejoice in the news these gentlemen have
+brought you, for the captain has sold your cat to the King of Barbary,
+and brought you in return more riches than I possess in the whole world;
+and may you long enjoy them!"
+
+Mr. Fitzwarren then desired the men to open the immense treasures they
+had brought, and added that Mr. Whittington had now nothing to do but to
+put it in some place of safety.
+
+Poor Dick could scarce contain himself for joy. He begged his master to
+take what part of it he pleased, since to his kindness he was indebted
+for the whole. "No, no, this wealth is all your own, and justly so,"
+answered Mr. Fitzwarren; "and I have no doubt you will use it
+generously."
+
+Whittington, however, was too kind-hearted to keep all himself; and
+accordingly made a handsome present to the captain, the mate, and every
+one of the ship's company, and afterwards to his excellent friend the
+footman, and the rest of Mr. Fitzwarren's servants, not even excepting
+crabbed old Cicely.
+
+After this, Mr. Fitzwarren advised him to send for trades people, and
+get himself dressed as became a gentleman, and made him the offer of his
+house to live in till he could provide himself with a better.
+
+When Mr. Whittington's face was washed, his hair curled, his hat
+cocked, and he was dressed in a fashionable suit of clothes, he appeared
+as handsome and genteel as any young man who visited at Mr.
+Fitzwarren's; so that Miss Alice, who had formerly thought of him with
+compassion, now considered him as fit to be her lover; and the more so,
+no doubt, because Mr. Whittington was constantly thinking what he could
+do to oblige her, and making her the prettiest presents imaginable.
+
+Mr. Fitzwarren, perceiving their affection for each other, proposed to
+unite them in marriage, to which, without difficulty, they each
+consented; and accordingly a day for the wedding was soon fixed, and
+they were attended to church by the lord mayor, the court of aldermen,
+the sheriffs, and a great number of the wealthiest merchants in London;
+and the ceremony was succeeded by a most elegant entertainment and
+splendid ball.
+
+History tells us that the said Mr. Whittington and his lady lived in
+great splendour, and were very happy; that they had several children;
+that he was sheriff of London in the year 1340, and several times
+afterwards lord mayor; that in the last year of his mayoralty he
+entertained King Henry the Fifth on his return from the battle of
+Agincourt. And sometime afterwards, going with an address from the city
+on one of his Majesty's victories, he received the honour of knighthood.
+
+Sir Richard Whittington constantly fed great numbers of the poor. He
+built a church and college to it, with a yearly allowance to poor
+scholars, and near it erected an hospital.
+
+The effigy of Sir Richard Whittington was to be seen, with his cat in
+his arms, carved in stone, over the archway of the late prison of
+Newgate that went across Newgate Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                     MAD PRANKS
+
+                         OF
+
+                     TOM TRAM,
+
+                    SON IN LAW
+
+                         TO
+
+                  MOTHER WINTER.
+
+                TO WHICH ARE ADDED
+
+                 HIS MERRY JESTS
+
+                        AND
+
+                 PLEASANT TALES.
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _A merry Jest betwixt old Mother Winter and her
+                    Son-in-Law Tom._
+
+
+There was an old woman named Mother Winter that had but one son-in-law,
+and his name was Tom; and though he was at man's estate, yet would do
+nothing but what he listed, which grieved his old mother to the heart.
+Upon a time being in the market, she heard a proclamation, "That those
+that would not work should be whipped." At which the old woman leapt,
+and with great joy home she comes meets with her son, and tells him the
+mayor of the town had made a decree, which was, "That all those that
+would not work should be whipped." "Has he so," says he, "marry, my
+blessing on his heart; for my part, I'll not break the decree." So the
+old woman left her son, and went again to the market; she was no sooner
+gone but her son looks into the stone pots, which she kept small beer
+in; and when he saw that the beer did not work, he takes the pot, strips
+off his doublet, and with a carter's whip he lays on them as hard as he
+could drive. The people who saw him do it, told his mother what he had
+done; which made the old woman cry out, "O! that young knave will be
+hanged." So in that tone home she goes. Her son seeing her, came running
+and foaming at the mouth to meet her, and told her, that he had broke
+both the pots; which made the old woman to say, "O thou villain! what
+hast thou done?" "O mother," quoth he, "you told me it was proclaimed,
+'That all those that would not work must be whipped'; and I have often
+seen our pots work so hard, that they have foamed so much at the mouth,
+that they befouled all the house where they stood; but these two lazy
+knaves," said he, "told me, that they did never work, nor never meant to
+work; and therefore," quoth he, "I have whipped them to death, to teach
+the rest of their fellows to work, or never look me in the face again."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Another Jest of old Mother Winter and her Son Tom._
+
+
+Upon a time Mother Winter sent her son Tom into the market to buy her a
+penny-worth of soap, and gave him twelvepence, and charged him to bring
+it home safe. Tom told her it should be so; and to that end it should be
+safe brought home, according to his mother's charge, he goes and buys a
+penny-worth of soap, and hired two men with a hand-barrow to carry the
+soap, and four men with brown bills to guard it along to her, giving
+them the elevenpence for their pains, which made his mother in great
+fury go to the mayor of the town, who committed him to prison. Now, the
+prison window joining close to the mayor's chamber window, Tom and some
+other merry prisoners like himself, getting a cup of good liquor in
+their heads, began to sing and roar and domineer, insomuch that the
+mayor heard them that night, and charged them they should leave off
+drinking and singing of loose songs, and sing good psalms. Tom told him
+that he should hear that he would amend his life if he would pardon his
+fault. The mayor said that for their misdemeanours, they should be that
+night in prison, and upon amendment, being neighbours, he would release
+them in the morning. They thanked the mayor, and Tom Tram prevailed so
+far with a friend of his that he borrowed three shillings; which three
+shillings he spent upon his fellow-prisoners, which made the poor men be
+ruled by him, and do what he enjoined them to do; so when the mayor was
+gone to bed, the prison window as before observed, being close to the
+chamber-window, they began to sing psalms so loud that the mayor could
+take no rest, which made him cause one of his servants forbid them leave
+off singing. Tom Tram said that it was the mayor's good counsel that
+they should sing psalms, and sing they would, as long as they lived
+three. Which made the mayor bid the jailer turn them out of prison,
+without paying their fees.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Tom served his Hostess and a Tobacco Seller--being
+                     another of his Jests._
+
+
+It happened that Tom was sent on an errand forty miles from his abode,
+over heaths and plains, where having dispatched his business, he chanced
+to be lodged in a room that opened into a yard, where his hostess kept
+many turkeys, which Tom seeing he thrusts pins into two of their heads
+and in the night they died. The woman in the morning wondered how the
+fowls should come to die. Tom persuaded her that there was a great
+sickness where he dwelt amongst all manner of fowls, and wished his
+hostess to fling them away, which she did. Tom watched where she flung
+them, and when he took his leave of his hostess, it was at such a time
+when she was busy setting bread into the oven, so that he was sure she
+could not look after him. So he goes and wraps the turkeys in his coat,
+and away he runs; but finding his two turkeys heavy, he sees a man that
+sold tobacco up and down the country at the foot of a hill, when he
+alighted to lead his horse down the hill, at the bottom of which he
+falls down, and lies crying as if he had broken one of his legs, and
+makes to the man a most piteous lamentation; that he was six or seven
+miles from any town, there being no house near; and that he was like to
+perish for want of succour. The man asked where he dwelt. He said with a
+knight, to whom Tom did live as a jester. The man knowing the knight,
+and thinking Tom's leg had really been broken, with much ado lifted him
+upon the horse. When Tom was mounted, he prayed the man to give him his
+master's turkeys. Tom made the horse to gallop away, crying out, "I
+shall be killed! I shall be killed! O my leg! What shall I do! O my
+leg!" The man seeing him gone, stood in amaze, and knew not what to
+think; nevertheless, he durst not leave his turkeys behind him, for fear
+of displeasing the knight, but carried them lugging along fretting and
+swearing in his boots, till he came to the next town, where he hired a
+horse to overtake Tom, but could not, until he came to the knight's
+house, where Tom stood to attend his coming, looking out at the window.
+When the man alighted, Tom then called to him so loud, that most of the
+house heard him. "O," said he, "now I see thou art an honest man, I had
+thought you had set me, upon your headstrong horse, on purpose to
+deceive me of my turkeys." The man replied, "A pox take you and your
+turkeys, for I never was played the knave with so in my life; I hope you
+will pay for the hire of the horse, which I was forced to borrow to
+follow you withal." "That I will," said Tom, "with all my heart."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Tom paid the Man for his Horse Hire._
+
+
+Tom asked the man what way he intended to travel. "Marry," said the man,
+"I must go back with the horse I have hired." Quoth Tom, "What did you
+give for the hire of him?" Said the man, "I gave five shillings."
+"Well," said Tom, "I will set you to the next public-house, and then we
+will eat one of the turkeys, and I will bring you in good silver the
+five shillings for the horse hire." The place appointed being two miles
+off, Tom appoints three or four of his companions to meet him, who did
+not fail, for they were there before Tom and his friend, who came riding
+upon the horses--Tom upon the hired horse, and the man upon his own. Tom
+alighted, and called the hostler to set up his horse, and to give him
+oats enough, and caused a turkey to be roasted with all possible haste,
+which, according as he commanded, was performed. But Tom whispered to
+his consorts, and wished them to ply the man with drink; while he, in
+the meantime, went to the host and told him they came to be merry, and
+money was short with him and desired he would lend him ten shillings
+upon his horse. The host having so good a pawn, lent it him, knowing it
+would be spent in his house. So Tom went and gave the man five shillings
+for the hire of the horse, and spends the other five shillings freely
+upon him. By that time the day was pretty nigh spent, so that the man
+could get no further that night, but Tom and his companions took their
+leaves and returned home, and the man went his way to bed little
+suspecting the trick Tom had put upon him. In the morning the man rising
+betimes, thinking to be gone, could have but one horse unless he paid
+ten shillings, for Tom had left word with his host, that paying the
+money he should have both horses. The man seeing himself cozened again
+by Tom, paid the ten shillings, and wished all such cheating knaves were
+hanged, away he went fretting and foaming to see himself abused.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _How Tom served a Company of Gentlemen._
+
+
+It happened that a company of gentlemen being disposed to create mirth,
+rode some miles from home to be merry. One of them would need have Tom
+to wait upon him, and Tom was as willing as he to be in that company,
+but as they were coming home, one of them cut the reins of Tom's bridle,
+so that when Tom mounted on his horse the reins broke, and the horse ran
+away with him in the midst of a great heath whereon stood a large
+gallows against which the horse stood, and rubbed his neck, so that the
+gentleman hooped and hallooed, and said, "Farewell, Tom, farewell." But
+Tom alighted from his horse, and made fast his reins, and with his sword
+cut three or four chips from off the gallows; and at the next tavern Tom
+met with them, where they jeer'd him not a little; but Tom very
+earnestly entreated them to forbear, yet the more he entreated them, the
+more they played upon him. But to be even with them, in the morning Tom
+calls the hostler, and sends him for nutmegs and ginger, and gets a
+grater, and when he had grated them he also grated the chips off the
+gallows, and mixed with the spice only a little nutmeg and ginger, he
+laid towards one end of the trencher for himself, and with a gallon of
+ale into the gentleman's chamber he goes, begging of them not to mock
+him any more with the gallows; and he would give them that ale and
+spice; and so, says he, "Gentlemen, I drink to you all." Now, as soon as
+he had drank, the hostler called him, as he gave him charge before so to
+do. Down stairs runs Tom as fast as he could. The gentlemen made all
+possible speed to drink up the ale and spice before he came up again,
+and that was what Tom desired. When he came again, seeing all the ale
+and spice gone, he says, "Gentlemen, will you know why my horse carried
+me to the gallows?" "Yes," says one of them. "Well," says Tom, "it was
+to fetch you some spice to your ale, and if you want, I have more for
+you:" and with that showed them the chips out of his pocket, and away he
+runs, leaving the gentlemen to look one upon another, studying how they
+should be revenged on him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How Tom rode a-Gossiping._
+
+
+Tom heard a company of women that would meet at the place a
+house-warming, to welcome one of the house. These women had formerly
+abused Tom, and now he thought to be even with them, so he goes to an
+apothecary's shop, buys a pound of purging comfits, and puts them in a
+cake with other spices, and dresses himself in women's apparel, and gets
+a horse and a pannel, and to the house he comes, knocks at the door, and
+asked the maid, whether there were any women come a house-warming? The
+maid said, "Not yet." "I pray," says Tom, "take this cake, and if I come
+not at the meeting, let them eat it and be merry, for I must go to a
+woman that is exceedingly unwell," and away he goes. The women came, and
+wondered what woman it should be that left the cake. Some of them
+supposed that it was some rich lady. They stayed a while and the person
+they expected to be with them not coming, they fell to their meat, and
+at last to the cake. But it was not long in their stomach before it
+began to work, so that all began vomiting, and were so sick, that they
+disordered the house. In which time Tom shifts himself into man's
+apparel, and with a staff in his hand came where his gossips were, and
+hearing them groaning all the house over, opened the door and asked them
+what was the matter? They answered they were all poisoned. "Marry,"
+quoth Tom, "I hope not; if you please to let me have a horse, I will
+ride to Mr. Doctor's and fetch an antidote to deaden the poison." "Take
+my horse," quoth one; "Take my horse," said another; "Or mine," said a
+third. "Well, well," said Tom, "I will take one." And into the stable he
+goes and takes three horses, and to the doctor's he rides, and told him
+that all the people in such a house had eaten something that had
+poisoned them; and prayed him that he would, without delay, carry them
+some medicines, and that they had sent a horse for him and another for
+his man. The doctor, greedy of money, hastened thither with his medicine
+bottles as fast as the horses could carry him and his man. But the
+doctor no sooner came into the house, but he saw there was no need of
+medicines. In the meantime Tom told not only all he met with, that there
+were such women met to be merry at such a place; and not only they, but
+all the women of the house were poisoned, but went likewise to their
+husbands, and told them the like, so that all the people thereabouts
+repaired thither, which made the women so ashamed that they knew not
+which way to look, because all that saw them judged they were drunk; so
+that instead of comforting them which they expected, they fell a
+reviling them. The women also fell to scolding among themselves, and
+would have fought, had not their husbands parted them, by carrying them
+home.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Tom, served a Company of Gypsies._
+
+
+It happened on a day, towards night, that there came a company of
+gypsies into a town, and had not very long been there till Tom met them,
+and asked them, "What they made there?" They said they came to town to
+tell the people their fortunes, that thereby they might understand
+ensuing dangers. "Aye," says Tom, "and where do you lie to-night?" They
+told him they could not tell. "Nay," said Tom, "if you will be contented
+to lie in straw, I will bring you where you may lie dry and warm." They
+thanked him, and told him they would tell him his fortune in the morning
+for nothing. Tom thanked them, and therefore conveys them into a little
+thatched house which had a ditch round about it, very close to the wall
+thereof. That house Tom helped them to fill with straw, and saw them
+take their lodging; and then, it being dark, Tom bade them good-night,
+and as soon as he was over the bridge, which was a plank, he drew it
+after him; and in the dead time of the night Tom gets a long pole, with
+a wasp of straw at the end of it, and sets the straw on fire, calling
+out to the rest of the fellows to shift for themselves; who, thinking to
+run over the bridge, fell into the ditch, crying and calling out for
+help, while, by Tom's means, most part of the town stood to see the
+jest; and as the gypsies waded through the ditch, they took them and
+carried them into a house, where there was a good fire, for it was in
+the midst of winter; where Tom counsels them that they should never make
+him believe that they could tell him anything, that did not know what
+danger should befall themselves. "But," says he, "because you cannot
+tell me my fortune, I will tell you yours. For to-morrow in the forenoon
+you shall be whipped for deceivers, and in the afternoon be hanged for
+setting the house on fire." The gypsies hearing this so strict sentence,
+made haste to dry themselves, and next morning stole out of town, and
+never came any more there.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Tom sold his Mother's Trevot, and cozened an
+          Acqua Vitae Man that sold Hot Water._
+
+
+In a winter night, coming home very late, Tom Tram fell with his arms
+before him, and at the last run his nose against a post. "What," quoth
+Tom, "is my nose longer than my arms?" And afterwards he dropped into a
+well that was in the yard, and crying out, "Help, help." All is not well
+that is in the well. The neighbours came and pulled him out, and he
+dropped like a pig that had been roasted on a spit; but he was then in a
+cold condition, so he went to bed, and covered himself, but before
+morning Tom became unwell; and when some had discovered this, he told
+them that if he died of that sickness he should be buried by torchlight,
+because none should see him go to his grave. Just as he had said, in
+came a hot water man, of whom he requested to give him a sup, which
+having tasted, he feigned himself to be in a hot fever, and rose up in
+his clothes, ran away with the acqua vitae man's bottle of hot water,
+and took his mother's trevot, and sold it for a long hawking pole, and a
+falconer's bag, which being tied to his side, and having drank up the
+poor man's hot water, he came reeling home with an owl upon his fist,
+saying, "It is gentlemanlike to be betwixt hawk and buzzard;" and he
+told the acqua vitae man that he had sent the trevot, with three legs, to
+the next town to fill you bottles again.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How he Hired himself to the Justice, and what Pranks
+                  he played while with him._
+
+
+The justice at this time being without a man, and finding Tom to be a
+lively fellow, asked him if he would serve him. "Yes," quoth Tom, "for I
+am a great many miles from the country." As soon as they had agreed for
+wages, Tom was immediately entertained. But he had not lived long there
+before the justice and his family were obliged to go to London, leaving
+nobody at home but Tom. Now in the justice's absence, an officer brought
+a lusty young woman and a little man with a complaint. So they knocked
+at the door, and Tom let them in; then placing himself in his master's
+chair, he asked the woman what she had to say, who told him that the man
+whom she had brought before him ill-used her. "Adzooks," quoth Tom, "is
+it possible that such a little fellow as this could ill-use such a
+strapping dame as you." "Alas! sir," said she, "although he is little he
+is strong." "Well, little whipper-snapper," quoth Tom, "what do you say
+to this." He replied, "Like your worship it is false what she says. The
+truth is, I have been at sea, and coming ashore, where I received my
+pay, I met with this woman, and agreed with her for a pair of shoes for
+half a crown, and when they were put on, I pulled out my purse to pay
+her honestly what I had agreed for; but she seeing that I had a
+considerable sum of money, contrary to our bargain, would force me to
+give her ten shillings, and because I would not, but struck her as she
+deserved, she has brought me before your worship." "Have you got that
+purse of money?" quoth Tom. "Yes, sir," said the seaman. "Give it into
+my hand," said Tom. He receives it, and turning to the woman, said,
+"Here take it and get about your business." She replied, "I thank your
+worship, you are an honest good man, and have done me justice." The
+little seaman the meanwhile wrung his hands and bitterly cried out, "I
+am ruined, for it is every penny I had in the world." "Well," quoth Tom,
+"haste after her, and take it from her again." According to Tom's order
+he runs after her, and when he came after her, he said, "I must, and
+will have my purse again." Then she fell about his ears and cuffed him.
+Nay, this did not satisfy her, but she dragged him back again to Tom,
+who sat as justice, and told him that the fellow followed her for the
+purse, which he in justice gave her. "Well," said Tom, "and has he got
+it?" "No," said she, "I think not; before he should take it from me, I'd
+tear out both his eyes." "Let me see it again," says Tom. She gives it
+to him. "Is all the money in it?" quoth he. "Yes, sir," said she, "every
+penny." "Why then," said he, "here little whipper-snapper, take your
+purse again; and as for you Mrs. Impudence, had you kept your word as
+well as you did the money, I never had been troubled with this
+complaint. Here, Mr. Constable, give her a hundred lashes at the town's
+whipping post." Which was accordingly done, and Tom was applauded for
+his just proceedings.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Tom used a Singing Man of a Cathedral Church
+                      in the West._
+
+
+Once there was a cathedral singing man that had very much angered Tom,
+and had made songs and jests upon him, whereupon Tom got on his back an
+ox-hide, with the horns set upon his head, and so lay in a hedge bottom,
+waiting till the singing man came by, who he was sure must pass that
+way. At last name the singing man. Up started Tom out of the hedge
+bottom in his ox-hide, and followed him, the singing man cried out, "The
+devil! the devil!" "No," quoth Tom, "I am the ghost of goodman Johnson,
+living hard by the Church stile, unto whose house ye came and sung
+catches, and owes me five pounds for ale, therefore appoint me a day
+when ye will bring me my money hither, or else I will haunt thee still."
+The singing man promised that day se'enight, and accordingly he did; and
+Tom made himself brave clothes with the money, and sweethearts came
+about him as bees do about a honey pot. But Tom wore a rope in his
+pocket, and being asked if he would marry, he would pull it out, and
+laugh, saying, "I have broken my shins already, and will be wiser
+hereafter; for I am an old colt, and now may have as much wit as a
+horse."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Of Tom Tram's wooing Cicily Summers, the neat Wench
+                         of the West._
+
+
+Cicily Summers, whose nose was then as fair as the midnight sun, which
+shined as bright as Baconthine, was beloved of young Tom Tram; and a sad
+story to tell, he grew not worth the bread he ate, through pining away
+for her love. Tom was loath to speak but still whistled. At last, when
+Cicily made no answer, he burst out in thus:--"O Cicily Summers, if I
+Tom Tram, son of Mother Winter, and thou Cicily Summers be joined
+together what a quarter shall we keep, as big as three half years;
+besides Cicily Summers when thou scoldest, then Winter shall presently
+cool thy temper; and when we walk on the street they'll say yonder goes
+Summer and Winter; and our children, we shall call a generation of
+almanacks. So they went to the parson and were married; but they fell
+out so extremely that they scolded all the summer season; and Tom drank
+good ale, and told old tales all the winter time, and so they could
+never but thrive all the year through. Tom lived by good ale, and his
+wife by eating oat-meal; and when Tom went to be drunk in the morning,
+she put oat-meal in the ale, and made caudle with mustard instead of
+eggs, which bit Tom so by the nose, that it would run water; but the
+next day he would be drunk again."
+
+
+
+
+                     TOM TRAM'S
+
+                    MERRY TALES.
+
+    TALE I.
+
+    _Of a Scholar and a Tapster on a Winter Night._
+
+
+The tapster said, "Sir, will you go to bed." "No," quoth the scholar,
+"There are thieves abroad, and would not willingly be caught napping."
+So the tapster left him, and being gone, in came a spirit into the
+chamber, with his head under his arm so that he durst not stir, but
+cried out, "Help! help! fire! thieves! thieves!" "Oh," quoth he, "the
+devil was here and spoke to me with his head under his arm; but now I
+will go to bed, and if he comes again I will send him to the tapster, to
+help him to make false reckonings. It being a cold night," quoth he, "I
+will first put fire to toe, that is, I will warm my toes by the fire,
+then I'll go to bed." And so he did, and a great reckoning put the
+scholar out of his jest saying, "That was in earnest made too large a
+reckoning," he being but poor Sir John, of Oxford.
+
+
+    TALE II.
+
+Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a great nose; so
+a country man by him with a sack of corn, jostled him, saying, "Your
+nose stands in my way," whereupon the other fellow with the great nose,
+took his nose in his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, "A pox
+on thee, go and be hanged."
+
+
+    TALE III.
+
+Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country fellow on the
+highway, and would needs tell Tom his fortune. Amongst other things,
+they bade him assure himself that his worst misfortunes were past, and
+that he would not be troubled with crosses as he had been. So coming
+home, and having sold the cow at the market, he looked into his purse
+for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he found not so
+much as one cross in his purse; whereupon he remembered the words of the
+gypsies, and said that the gypsies had said true that he should not be
+troubled with crosses, and that they had picked his pocket, and left not
+a penny in his purse. Whereupon his wife basted and cudgelled him so
+soundly, that he began to perceive that a man that had a cursed wife
+should never be without a cross, though he had never a penny in his
+purse; and because it was winter-time, he sat a while by the fireside,
+and after went to bed supperless and penniless.
+
+
+    TALE IV.
+
+A farmer's wife in the west had three pigs, which she loved exceedingly
+well, and fed them with good butter milk and whey; but they would come
+running into the house and dirtied the rooms. Whereupon she resolved to
+sell them at the market, because they were better fed than taught, but
+afterwards they were stolen away from her; whereupon she supposed they
+were driven up to London to learn manners; "But," said she, "they were
+too old to learn to turn the spit in Bartholemew fair," and therefore
+believed some butchers had stolen them away.
+
+Her cock had a piece of cloth sewn about him, and was left upon the
+porch, but afterwards stolen; whereupon she said, that her cock was
+turned scholar in a black gown, and so she went to Oxford to a conjurer,
+to know what was become of her pigs and her cock. The scholar smiled,
+and told her the three pigs were blown home, and the cock was made a
+bachelor of arts in one of the colleges. "I thought so," said the woman,
+"for sure bachelors of arts are very coxcombs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                          A
+
+                    YORK DIALOGUE
+
+                       BETWEEN
+
+                     NED AND HARRY:
+
+                          OR
+
+    Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship
+                 and Marriage State.
+
+
+_Ned._--Honest Harry, I am glad to see you. You're welcome to York.
+You're a great stranger. When came you to town?
+
+_Harry._--I came to your town last night, Ned, and am glad to see you. I
+inquired after you of my landlord, and he told me you was well, and had
+been married two or three years. I wish you much happiness; but how d'ye
+like matrimony?
+
+_Ned._--In good faith, Harry, scrubbing his shoulders, but so, so;
+however, I will not discourage you.
+
+_Harry._--But don't you remember, Ned, that you and I made an agreement
+that which of us two was married first, should tell one another of the
+way of courtship, and how he liked it and a married state.
+
+_Ned._--'Tis true we did so, Harry, but now I have not time to tell you,
+for it will take me more than two or three hours to give you a full
+account of both parts.
+
+_Harry._--What! are you in haste then, Ned? 'Tis a great while since I
+have seen you, and shan't we have one mug together?
+
+_Ned._--Faith, Harry, I'm loath to deny you; but if I go with you, I
+must send home to my wife, and let her know where I am.
+
+_Harry._--So you may Ned, and tell her you are with an old friend that
+would be glad to see her.
+
+_Ned._--Not a word of that, Harry, for if I go with you and stay any
+time, we shall have her company without sending for her.
+
+_Harry._--Say you so. Come then, let us go to Tom Swan's. Well, Ned, I
+am glad to see thee--ring the bell. Jenny, bring us a pint of your best
+ale. Come, Ned, sit down. And how long was it before you got your wife
+into the mind to marry; for if I speak to any of the female sex, they
+are so very coy, I can't tell what to make of them?
+
+_Ned._--That's very true. They are so, Harry, for when I spoke to my
+wife first, she was so very coy and huffish, and told me she did not
+know what I meant. She was not for marrying. She lived very well as she
+was, and if she should marry, she must then be confined to the humours
+of a husband.
+
+_Harry._--Well, but how then, Ned, tell me all.
+
+_Ned._--Faith I have not time now, Harry, for I must go home.
+
+_Harry._--Come, my service t'ye, Ned, I will have you be as good as your
+promise.
+
+_Ned._--Then if I must, I will stay a little longer and tell you. I told
+her I had as good a trade as any of my neighbours. Upon these words she
+was called away.
+
+_Harry._--How then, Ned?
+
+_Ned._--Faith I went home, but could not get her out of my mind. The
+next day I went again to see her, and took her by the hand, but she
+pulled it away with scorn, saying, "Pray don't banter me, for I know
+you men love to banter us silly women." Upon my faith, madam, said I, I
+am in good earnest, for a man of my trade must have both journeymen and
+prentices, therefore I cannot well be without a wife, and you are the
+only person I always thought would make me happy. Then I took her by the
+hand again, and with much ado got a kiss off her. "Pray be quiet," said
+she, "Goodness! what do you mean? you are so troublesome!" and looked
+very angry, and so left me.
+
+_Harry._--Very well, Ned, go on, this is vastly pleasant.
+
+_Ned._--That very kiss made me think of her, and love her more than ever
+I did, for after that kiss I was always wishing myself in her company,
+and was never at rest. The Sunday after, I saw her in the minster at
+prayers, and thought everything handsome and pretty about her--her face,
+her eyes, her mouth, her breast, her shape. I watched her coming out of
+the choir, and walked with her in the minster, and asked her if she
+would please to take a walk into the Groves, but she told me she was
+engaged. Believe me, Harry; I was so daft with that answer that my heart
+was fit to break with fear that she should love another better than
+myself. However, I went home with her. She told me she was engaged, and
+I need not trouble myself any further. Madam, said I, the first that
+ever I saw you, I was struck with the thought that you was the woman
+that was to make me a happy wife. "You men," said she, "say so to all
+women you meet with." "Truly, madam," said I, "what I say is really
+true, from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you will find it so." "You
+men always promise fair," said she, "before you are married, but when
+the job is over you seldom or never perform your promise." "Pray, try
+me, madam," said I, "for upon my word, you will find me always as good
+as I have said, by this kiss." "Fye," said she, "I swear I will never
+come into your company any more, if you will not let me stand quietly by
+you." Then I asked her again the favour to take a walk, for it was a
+fine evening, and would do her a great deal of good. She told me at
+last, she was to meet two or three of her acquaintances at seven o'clock
+in the Groves, just to take a turn or two and so come home again, so bid
+me good night.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I hope you went to the Groves to meet her, did you
+not?
+
+_Ned._--Yes, you may be assured I did, and within a quarter of an hour
+after I was there, my mistress came, but her friends were not with her,
+as good luck would have it.
+
+_Harry._--Were not you glad of that, Ned, though I dare swear, she knew
+of nobody to meet her at that time.
+
+_Ned._--Yes, faith, I was very glad of it; and when we had taken a turn
+or two, I asked her if she would go to the cheese-cake house, and with
+much ado I got her to consent to go.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, what discourse had you there?
+
+_Ned._--Why, faith, we were very merry. I called for some cheese-cakes,
+and a bottle of cider, and at last began to ask her about marrying me.
+She told me she heard I had a good trade, and did mind it now very well,
+but how I would mind it, if she should consent to marry me, was her
+fear. I told her she need never fear that, for marrying of her would be
+the only means to make me mind my business, if possible, more than I
+have done. I do assure you, Harry, that the servants which we call
+chamber-maids, stand as much upon their honour, as some of them will
+call it, in courting, as their mistress, nay, and more.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, I have observed that all along you have called her
+madam whenever you named her, but I hope it is not a custom here at
+York, to call your chamber-maids madam at every word.
+
+_Ned._--Yes, faith we do, and they themselves call one another so, for
+if there be five or six of them together at the parting with one
+another, you shall hear them take leave of one another with, "Madam,
+good-night to you," says one; "Madam, your servant," says another; "Pray
+my service to you know who"----'Tis very true, Harry.
+
+_Harry._--How could you ever expect Ned, that such an one would make you
+a good wife that minded nothing but her pride.
+
+_Ned._--Well, Harry, but you are mistaken, for some of them do make very
+good wives and are very good housewives too.
+
+_Harry._--How long were you a-courting her, before she gave consent to
+marry you?
+
+_Ned._--Why, about a year or more, and all that while I very little did
+mind myself for minding of her, for I was fain to watch her as a cat
+watcheth a mouse, for fear of a rival. At last I told her I hoped now
+she would consent to marry me, if not, to tell me so, for it was a great
+loss to me to lose my time so day after day. Upon these words she told
+me she thought I was in earnest, but she did not much like the house I
+lived in. I told her it was a very pretty house, and I should be glad to
+see her in it. Upon this she smiled and gave me her consent.
+
+_Harry._--Was you asked in the church, Ned, or had you a license?
+
+_Ned._--I went on purpose to ask her that question, and she told me she
+was a gentlewoman born, and did not care to be asked in the church, for,
+she said, there was nobody asked in the church but cook-maids and
+kitchen-maids, so it cost me about twenty shillings for a license. Well,
+married we were, and very merry were we that day.
+
+_Harry._--But now, Ned, in the second place, come tell me how you and
+your wife agree together, for I think it is said your York wives will be
+masters of their husbands in less than a year's time if possible they
+can. Well then, Ned, I do suppose it is with you as with most of your
+neighbours, your wife is the master?
+
+_Ned._--Faith, Harry, not much matter (scratching his head), but I doubt
+she'll come and find us together, and then there will be----
+
+_Harry._--What then, Ned, let her come, I have a mug or two at her
+service and shall be glad to see her.
+
+_Ned._--So shall not I, Harry.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, how can she be angry with you when she sees you with
+an old acquaintance you have not seen for two or three years?
+
+_Ned._--That's nothing.
+
+_Harry._--What, Ned, do not you agree then really, and has been married
+but three years. Suppose she should come, what would or could she say to
+you?
+
+_Ned._--Dear Harry, do not desire me to tell you, for if I would, and if
+you should happen to tell it again, and it should come to her ears that
+it was I told you, I might as well run my country as stay at home.
+
+_Harry._--Ned, my service to you, upon my honour, as the gentleman says,
+I will never say anything of it to anybody.
+
+_Ned._--Well then, Harry, if I be out at any time, as now with you, when
+I go home, as soon as I get within doors she'll begin with a pretty tone
+she has learned off her neighbours.
+
+"Oh! brave sir! You are a fine husband, you mind your business and shop,
+as you promised me before we were married: do you not, you drunken dog?
+you rogue, you rascal, where have you been these six hours (though it
+were but three), sirrah, give me account where you have been."
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, do you give her an account where you were, or what
+answer do you make her?
+
+_Ned._--All that I say to her is, "Pray, my dear, be not in such a
+passion, for I was with an old friend that I have not seen two or three
+years." "A pox on your old friend," says she, "and you too must go and
+fill your belly with good meat and drink, and I and my poor children
+starve at home, with only a little bread and cheese. A curse on the
+first day I saw you."
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, I hope your circumstances are not so low in the
+world, but that you can afford your wife pretty well to keep house with.
+
+_Ned._--Why, Harry, there's hardly a day but we have a joint of meat,
+either boiled or roasted, and I am sure she never wants for good bread,
+cheese, eggs, and butter.
+
+_Harry._--Pray, Ned, what does she do towards maintaining your house,
+does she endeavour any ways to get a penny? What portion had you with
+her?
+
+_Ned._--Harry, never marry a chamber-maid, for they bring nothing with
+them but a few old clothes of their mistresses, and for house-keeping,
+few of them know anything of it; for they can hardly make a pudding or a
+pie, neither can they spin, nor knit, nor wash, except it be a few laces
+to make themselves fine withal.
+
+_Harry._--What would she be at?
+
+_Ned_--Why always a-gossiping, there is such a company of them in our
+street that there's never a day but some or other of them meet together.
+
+_Harry._--Where do they meet?
+
+_Ned._--Where the best country ale is.
+
+_Harry._--What, do they make a sitting of it when they meet?
+
+_Ned._--A sitting of it; yes, yes, they will sit from three till ten at
+night, and drink like fishes, and talk against their husbands.
+
+_Harry._--What do you say when she comes home? Do you not ask her where
+she has been that she stayed so late?
+
+_Ned._--I dare not say one word to her, but am glad she will let me go
+to bed and sleep quietly.
+
+_Harry._--What becomes of your children those days; who looks after them
+all this while?
+
+_Ned._--Nobody but a silly maid she hired who can do nothing; I am fain
+as well as I can, to boil them their milk for their suppers and help to
+get them to bed.
+
+_Harry._--Does not she ask when she comes home how her children do, and
+who gave them their suppers and got them to bed?
+
+_Ned._--Never, never, Harry, but perhaps the next morning will get them
+up herself, and put them on, poor things, the same linen they had on
+three days before.
+
+_Harry._--How do you allow your wife? do you allow her so much a week?
+how gets she the money to spare for gossiping?
+
+_Ned._--Why, she watches me; and if I sell anything in the shop, then
+she comes to me and tells me, such a child wants this, and such a one
+that, so I am fain to give her money for quietness' sake.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, she makes a mere fool of you.
+
+_Ned._--'Tis not my case alone, Harry, for most of my neighbours have
+not much better wives, for the better sort they say, love carding and
+gossiping and cold tea.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I think you have almost satisfied me, and I promise
+you for your sake I will never marry any one of that sort called
+chamber-maids.
+
+_Ned._--If ever you marry, Harry, marry one that's bred up in business,
+I mean one that knows how to look after her house? and as you endeavour
+to get a penny in your way she will endeavour to get another in hers,
+such a one will make both you and herself happy.
+
+_Harry._--Pray then, Ned, what can your wife or any other man's wife say
+against her husband if he takes all the pains, as you say you do, to
+maintain her and her children handsomely?
+
+_Ned._--I know not but I hear this is their way. If any new married wife
+come among them; first she must pay for her admittance, then presently
+after, some of them will begin, "Neighbour, your good health;" another,
+"Neighbour I wish you health and happiness;" another, "Pray neighbour,
+what kind of a humoured man is your husband?" another, "Is he kind to
+you?" another, "Does he allow you as he should do? If he does not,
+neighbour, let us know, and we will tell you how to manage him I warrant
+you."
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I pity thee, with all my heart, and all them that
+have such wives; but now you must make the best of it, and live as
+quietly as you can.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, I must so. Well, come, let's know what's to pay. I have
+stayed too long, so I am sure of a lecture when I go home.
+
+_Harry._--Come, Ned, I treat you this time because I invited you, it may
+be you will find your wife in a better humour than you think of.
+
+_Ned._--I wish I may, Harry. I am sure of it that it shall make me stay
+at home and mind my business a great deal better than I have done of
+late.
+
+_Harry._--How many children have you, Ned?
+
+_Ned._--Two boys, and I believe another coming.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, she cannot complain of the smallness of her family.
+
+_Ned._--Well, Harry, I must take my leave of you, and I thank you for
+me, and if you do not go out of town to-morrow, I hope I shall see you
+again; there is a great deal more in a married state than I have told
+you of, that is all charges to the husband, the sickening-day, the
+week-day, the christening-day, three-week-day, the churching-day; all
+these days they have their meetings and discourses, which would take
+half a day to tell them all; and if the husband be not there to wait
+upon them on those days, some of them will say, "Neighbour, where is
+your husband? he should be here to wait on us." "If my husband, should
+serve me so," says another, "when I lie in, odds had." A third will say,
+"Indeed, neighbour, you give your husband too much liberty, more than I
+would do." So, Harry, when I go home she falls a-telling me what such a
+one and such a one, and all the company said of me, for my not being
+there to wait upon them.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, thou has satisfied me very well, and for thy sake
+will never marry a chamber-maid. Come, ring the bell, we'll see what
+there's to pay, and should be glad of your company longer, if it stand
+to your conveniency.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, I thank you, but home I must go now.
+
+_Harry._--Jenny, what's to pay? "One shilling sir."--Ned, good-night to
+you, my service to your spouse; and if I stay to-morrow, I'll come and
+see you and her.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, good night to you, I thank you for me, and I shall be
+glad to see you to-morrow; but whether my wife will or no I cannot tell,
+for I doubt I will find her but so-and-so in her humour.
+
+_Harry._--Good-night to you, Ned, thank you for your good company; it
+has been very pleasant, and I hope you will find all things easy and
+quiet at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                  DANIEL O'ROURKE'S
+
+                      WONDERFUL
+
+                  VOYAGE TO THE MOON.
+
+
+People may have heard of the renowned adventures of Daniel O'Rourke, but
+how few are there who know that the cause of all his perils, above and
+below, was neither more nor less than his having slept under the walls
+of the Phooka's tower.
+
+"I am often axed to tell it, sir," said he, "so that this is not the
+first time. The master's son, you see, had come from beyond foreign
+parts in France and Spain, as young gentlemen used to go, before
+Buonaparte or any such was heard of; and, sure enough, there was a
+dinner given to all the people on the ground, gentle and simple, high
+and low, rich and poor. The ould gentlemen were the gentlemen after all,
+saving your honour's presence. They'd swear at a body a little, to be
+sure, and maybe give one a cut of a whip now and then, but we were no
+losers by it in the end;--and they were so easy and civil, and kept such
+rattling houses, and thousands of welcomes; and there was no grinding
+for rent, and few agents; and there was hardly a tenant on the estate
+that did not taste of his landlord's bounty often and often in the
+year;--but now it's another thing; no matter for that, sir, for I'd
+better be telling you my story.
+
+"Well, we had everything of the best, and plenty of it; and we ate, and
+we drank, and we danced, and the young master, by the same token, danced
+with Peggy Barry from Bothereen--a lovely young couple they were, though
+they are both long enough now. To make a long story short, I got, as a
+body may say, the same thing as tipsy almost, for I can't remember ever
+at all, no ways, how I left the place; only I did leave it, that's
+certain. Well, I thought, for all that, in myself, I'd just step to
+Molly Cronohan's, the fairy woman, to speak a word about the bracket
+heifer that was bewitched; and so as I was crossing the stepping stones
+at the ford of Ballyashenogh, and was looking up at the stars, and
+blessing myself--for why? it was Lady-day--I missed my foot, and souse I
+fell into the water. 'Death alive!' thought I, 'I'll be drowned now!'
+However, I began swimming, swimming, swimming away for the dear life,
+till at last I got ashore, somehow or other, but never the one of me can
+tell how, upon a dissolute island.
+
+"I wandered and wandered about there, without knowing where I wandered,
+until at last I got into a big bog. The moon was shining as bright as
+day, or your fair lady's eyes, sir (with your pardon for mentioning
+her), and I looked east and west, and north and south, and every way,
+and nothing did I see but bog, bog, bog. I could never find out how I
+got into it, and my heart grew cold with fear, for sure and certain I
+was that it would be my barrin place. So I sat down upon a stone which,
+as good luck would have it, was close by me, and I began to scratch my
+head and sing the Ullagon, when all of a sudden the moon grew black, and
+I looked up, and saw something for all the world as if it was moving
+down between me and it, and I could not tell what it was. Down it came
+with a pounce, and looked at me full in the face. And what was it but an
+eagle--as fine a one as ever flew from the kingdom of Kerry. So he
+looked at me in the face, and says he to me, 'Daniel O'Rourke,' says he,
+'how do you do?' 'Very well, I thank you, sir,' says I; 'I hope you're
+well,' wondering out of my senses all the time how an eagle came to
+speak like a Christian. 'What brings you here, Dan?' says he. 'Nothing
+at all, sir,' says I; 'only I wish I was safe home again.' 'Is it out of
+the island you want to go, Dan?' says he. ''Tis, sir,' says I; so I up
+and told him how I had taken a drop too much, and fell into the water;
+how I swam to the island; and how I got into the bog and did not know my
+way out of it. 'Dan,' says he, after a minute's thought, 'though it is
+very improper for you to get drunk on Lady-day, yet, as you are a decent
+sober man, who tends mass well, and never flings stones at me or mine,
+nor cries out after us in the fields--my life for yours,' says he; 'so
+get up on my back, and grip me well for fear you'd fall off, and I'll
+fly you out of the bog.' 'I am afraid,' says I, 'your honour's making
+game of me; for who ever heard of riding a-horseback on an eagle
+before?' ''Pon the honour of a gentleman,' says he, putting his right
+foot on his breast, 'I am quite in earnest; and so, now, either take my
+offer or starve in the bog; besides, I see that your weight is sinking
+the stone.'
+
+"It was true enough as he said, for I found the stone every minute going
+from under me. I had no choice; so thinks I to myself, faint heart never
+won fair lady, and this is fair persuadance. 'I thank your honour,' says
+I, 'for the load of your civility, and I'll take your kind offer.' I
+therefore mounted upon the back of the eagle, and held him tight enough
+by the throat, and up he flew in the air like a lark. Little I knew the
+trick he was going to serve me. Up--up--up--God knows how far up he
+flew. 'Why, then,' said I to him, thinking he did not know the right
+road home, very civilly--because why? I was in his power
+entirely--'sir,' says I, 'please your honour's glory, and with humble
+submission to your better judgment, if you'd fly down a bit, you're now
+just over my cabin, and I could be put down there, and many thanks to
+your worship.'
+
+"'Arrah, Dan,' said he, 'do you think me a fool? Look down in the next
+field, and don't you see two men and a gun? By my word it would be no
+joke to be shot this way, to oblige a drunken blackguard that I picked
+up off a could stone in a bog." 'Bother you,' said I to myself, but I
+did not speak out, for where was the use? Well, sir, up he kept flying,
+flying, and I asking him every minute to fly down, and all to no use.
+'Where in the world are you going, sir?' says I to him. 'Hold your
+tongue, Dan,' says he; 'mind your own business, and don't be interfering
+with the business of other people.' 'Faith, this is my business, I
+think,' says I. 'Be quiet, Dan,' says he; so I said no more.
+
+"At last, where should we come to but to the moon itself. Now, you can't
+see it from this; but there is, or there was in my time, a reaping-hook
+sticking out of the side of the moon, this way (drawing the figure on
+the ground with the end of his stick).
+
+"'Dan,' said the eagle, 'I'm tired with this long fly; I had no notion
+'twas so far.' 'And, my lord, sir,' said I, 'who in the world axed you
+to fly so far--was it I? Did not I beg, and pray, and beseech you to
+stop half an hour ago?' 'There's no use talking, Dan,' said he; 'I'm
+tired bad enough, so you must get off, and sit down on the moon until I
+rest myself.' 'Is it sit down on the moon?' said I. 'Is it upon that
+little round thing, then? Why, then, sure I'd fall off in a minute, and
+be kilt and split, and smashed all to bits; you are a vile deceiver, so
+you are.' 'Not at all, Dan,' said he; 'you can catch fast hold of the
+reaping-hook that's sticking out of the side of the moon, and 'twill
+keep you up.' 'I won't, then,' said I. 'Maybe not,' said he, quite
+quiet. 'If you don't, my man, I shall just give you a shake, and one
+slap of my wing, and send you down to the ground, where every bone of
+your body will be smashed as small as a drop of dew on a cabbage-leaf in
+the morning.' 'Why, then, I'm in a fine way,' said I to myself, 'ever to
+have come alone with the likes of you;' and so, giving him a hearty
+curse in Irish, for fear he'd know what I said, I got off his back with
+a heavy heart, took hold of the reaping-hook, and sat down upon the
+moon; and a mighty cold seat it was, I can tell you that.
+
+"When he had me there fairly landed, he turned about on me, and said,
+'Good morning to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he; 'I think I've nicked
+you fairly now. You robbed my nest last year ('twas true enough for him,
+but how he found it out is hard to say), and in return you are freely
+welcome to cool your heels dangling upon the moon like a cockthrow.'
+
+"'Is that all, and is this the way you leave me, you brute, you?' says
+I. 'You ugly unnatural baste, and is this the way you serve me at last?
+Bad luck to yourself, with your hooked nose, and to all your breed, you
+blackguard.' 'Twas all to no manner of use; he spread out his great big
+wings, burst out a-laughing, and flew away like lightning. I bawled
+after him to stop, but I might have called and bawled for ever without
+his minding me. Away he went, and I never saw him from that day to this.
+Sorrow fly away with him! You may be sure I was in a disconsolate
+condition, and kept roaring out for the bare grief, when all at once a
+door opened right in the middle of the moon, creaking on its hinges as
+if it had not been opened for a month before. I suppose they never
+thought of greasing 'em; and out there walks, who do you think, but the
+man in the moon himself. I knew him by his busk.
+
+"'Good morrow to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he. 'How do you do?' 'Very
+well, thank your honour,' said I. 'I hope your honour's well.' 'What
+brought you here, Dan?' said he. So I told him how I was a little
+overtaken in liquor at the master's, and how I was cast on a dissolute
+island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how the thief of an eagle
+promised to fly me out of it, and how, instead of that, he had fled me
+up to the moon.
+
+"'Dan,' said the man in the moon, taking a pinch of snuff when I was
+done, 'you must not stay here.' 'Indeed, sir,' says I, ''tis much
+against my will I'm here at all; but how am I to go back?' 'That's your
+business,' said he, 'Dan; mine is to tell you that here you must not
+stay, so be off in less than no time.' 'I'm doing no harm,' says I,
+'only holding on hard by the reaping-hook lest I fall off.' 'That's what
+you must not do, Dan,' says he. 'Pray, sir,' says I, 'may I ask how many
+you are in family, that you would not give a poor traveller lodgings?
+I'm sure 'tis not so often you're troubled with strangers coming to see
+you, for 'tis a long way.' 'I'm by myself, Dan,' says he; 'but you'd
+better let go the reaping-hook.' 'Faith, and with your leave,' says I,
+'I'll not let go the grip; and the more you bids me, the more I won't
+let go, so I will.' 'You had better, Dan,' says he again. 'Why, then, my
+little fellow,' says I, taking the whole weight of him with my eye from
+head to foot, 'there are two words to that bargain; and I'll not budge,
+but you may if you like.' 'We'll see how that is to be,' says he; and
+back he went, giving the door such a great bang after him (for it was
+plain he was huffed) that I thought the moon and all would fall down
+with it.
+
+"Well, I was preparing myself to try strength with him, when back again
+he comes with the kitchen cleaver in his hand, and, without saying a
+word, he gives two bangs to the handle of the reaping-hook that was
+keeping me up, and whap! it came in two. 'Good morning to you, Dan,'
+says the spiteful little old blackguard, when he saw me cleanly falling
+down with a bit of the handle in my hand, 'I thank you for your visit,
+and fair weather after you, Daniel.' I had no time to make any answer to
+him, for I was tumbling over and over, and rolling and rolling at the
+rate of a fox-hunt. 'God help me,' says I, 'but this is a pretty pickle
+for a decent man to be seen in at this time of night; I am now sold
+fairly.' The word was not out of my mouth when whiz! what should fly by
+close to my ear but a flock of wild geese, all the way from my own bog
+of Ballyashenogh, else how should they know me? The ould gander, who was
+their general, turning about his head, cried out to me, 'Is that you,
+Dan?' 'The same,' said I, not a bit daunted now at what he said, for I
+was by this time used to all kinds of bedevilment, and, besides, I knew
+him of ould. 'Good morrow to you,' says he, 'Daniel O'Rourke. How are
+you in health this morning?' 'Very well, sir,' says I; 'I thank you
+kindly,' drawing my breath, for I was mightily in want of some. 'I hope
+your honour's the same.' 'I think 'tis falling you are, Daniel,' says
+he. 'You may say that, sir,' says I. 'And where are you going all the
+way so fast?' said the gander. So I told him how I had taken the drop,
+and how I came on the island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how
+the thief of an eagle flew me up to the moon, and how the man in the
+moon turned me out. 'Dan,' said he, 'I'll save you; put your hand out
+and catch me by the leg, and I'll fly you home.' 'Sweet is your hand in
+a pitcher of honey, my jewel,' says I, though all the time I thought in
+myself that I don't much trust you; but there was no help, so I caught
+the gander by the leg, and away I and the other geese flew after him as
+fast as hops.
+
+"We flew, and we flew, and we flew, until we came right over the wide
+ocean. I knew it well, for I saw Cape Clear to my right hand, sticking
+up out of the water. 'Ah! my lord,' said I to the goose--for I thought
+it best to keep a civil tongue in my head any way--'fly to land, if you
+please.' 'It is impossible, you see, Dan,' said he, 'for a while,
+because, you see, we are going to Arabia.' 'To Arabia!' said I; 'that's
+surely some place in foreign parts, far away. Oh! Mr. Goose, why, then,
+to be sure, I'm a man to be pitied among you.' 'Whist, whist, you fool,'
+said he; 'hold your tongue. I tell you Arabia is a very decent sort of
+place, as like West Carbery as one egg is like another, only there is a
+little more sand there.'
+
+"Just as we were talking a ship hove in sight, scudding so beautiful
+before the wind. 'Ah! then, sir,' said I, 'will you drop me on the ship,
+if you please?' 'We are not fair over it,' said he. 'We are,' said I.
+'We are not,' said he; 'if I dropped you now, you would go splash into
+the sea.' 'I would not,' says I; 'I know better than that, for it is
+just clean under us, so let me drop now at once.'
+
+"'If you must, you must,' said he. 'There, take your own way;' and he
+opened his claw, and faith he was right,--sure enough, I came down plump
+into the very bottom of the salt sea! Down to the very bottom I went,
+and I gave myself up then for ever, when a whale walked up to me,
+scratching himself after his night's rest, and looked me full in the
+face, and never the word did he say; but lifting up his tail, he
+splashed me all over again with the cold salt water, till there wasn't a
+dry stitch upon my whole carcase; and I heard somebody saying--'twas a
+voice I knew too--'Get up, you drunken brute, out of that,' and with
+that I woke up, and there was Judy with a tub full of water, which she
+was splashing all over me; for, rest her soul! though she was a good
+wife, she never could bear to see me in drink, and had a bitter hand of
+her own.
+
+"'Get up,' said she again; 'and of all places in the parish, would no
+place sarve your turn to lie down upon but under the ould walls of
+Carrigaphooka? An uneasy resting I am sure you had of it.' And sure
+enough I had; for I was fairly bothered out of my senses with eagles,
+and men of the moons, and flying ganders, and whales, driving me through
+bogs, and up to the moon, and down to the bottom of the great ocean. If
+I was in drink ten times over, long would it be before I'd lie down in
+the same spot again, I know that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                 MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET
+
+                   NEWLY BROKE OPEN;
+
+                     CONTAINING
+
+             RARE SECRETS OF NATURE AND ART,
+
+                 TRIED AND EXPERIENCED
+
+                BY LEARNED PHILOSOPHERS,
+
+    And recommended to all ingenious young men and maids,
+     teaching them, in a natural way, how to get good wives
+     and husbands.
+
+    Approved by several that have made trial of them; it being
+      the product of forty-nine years' study.
+
+    _By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King, a lover
+                   of Mirth, but a hater of Treason._
+
+                    IN TWO PARTS.
+
+    PART I.
+
+
+Reading over many ancient Histories, it was my chance to meet with this
+story of an old woman who lived in the west, who took delight in
+studying her fortune. When she found herself full twenty years old, she
+thought her luck worse than some who were married at fifteen or sixteen,
+which much troubled her mind; but to prevent all doubts she resolved to
+try a story she had often heard her mother talk of, and, finding it
+true, she resolved to teach other maidens.
+
+On a time, this old woman having newly buried her husband, was taking a
+walk in the fields, for the benefit of the air, sometimes thinking of
+the loss of her husbands, for she had had three, yet had a great desire
+for the fourth. So it happened, as she was walking alone, she espied a
+young maiden by the meadow-side. "Good morrow, maid," said the old
+woman, "how do you do? are not you well?" "Yes, mother, I am very well,
+but somewhat troubled in mind." "What is it troubles you so much? If I
+can, I will willingly relieve you, therefore be not ashamed to tell the
+truth. Is it anything of great concern?" "Indeed, mother, seeing you
+urge me so much, I will tell you the truth. We are three sisters, the
+youngest was married about a year ago, the middlemost last week, and I
+am the eldest, and no man heeds me." "Well, daughter, if this be all, I
+believe I can assist thee, for when I was young I was in the same
+condition, and with reading some histories, found out the art to know
+him that should be my husband, which, if you will keep my counsel, I am
+ready to teach thee." "I will, truly, and if you will do so much for me,
+I shall think myself much obliged to you; and, if my fortune proves
+right, I will make you amends."
+
+"Why, then, I will tell you, in the first place, you must observe St.
+Agnes' day, which is the 21st of January, and on that day let no man
+speak to thee, and at night, when thou liest down lay thy right hand
+under thy head, and say these words, 'Now the God of hope let me dream
+of my love'; then go to sleep as soon as possible, and you shall be sure
+to dream of him who will be your husband, and see him stand before you,
+and may take notice of him and his complexion; and if he offer to salute
+thee honourably, do not deny him, but show him as much favour as thou
+canst; but if he offers to be uncivil, be sure to send him away. And
+now, daughter, the counsel I have given you, be sure to tell nobody. So,
+fare you well, till I see you again."
+
+"I give you thanks for your advice; but one thing more I have to say,
+What is your name? and where do you live?" "I will tell you, daughter;
+my name is Mother Bunch, and I live at a place called Bonadventure,
+where, if you come, I will make you welcome."
+
+Now Mother Bunch having departed from the maid, she met another pretty
+girl. "Good morrow, Mother Bunch." "Good morrow, pretty maid, whither
+are you going this morning? Methinks you are very fine to-day." "Fine!
+Mother Bunch, you do not think so." "Nay, I cannot discommend you; for
+such a brisk maid as you should go handsome, or you will never get a
+sweetheart, though you think the time long." "No, no, mother, I am too
+young." "How old are you?" "I am eighteen." "Eighteen! then I know thou
+thinkest thou hast stayed long enough, and wouldest as willingly have a
+husband as another." "Aye, Mother Bunch, but good husbands are hard to
+find, especially for me, who have no skill in choosing, or else it may
+be I would be glad of a good husband." "Be sure to take my advice: be
+wise in choosing, that is to say, take no one that has got a red head,
+for be sure he loveth a smock so well that he will scarce let his wife
+have a good one to her back; nor of yellow hair, as he is inclinable to
+be jealous; nor a black man, for he is dogged." "Aye, but mother, if I
+must not have yellow, black, nor red, what colour must I take?" "Why,
+daughter, I tell you, if he is jealous, you will be annoyed by his
+speeches, for how can a young woman forbear when she is always provoked?
+And be sure, if he is jealous of thee thou mayest well be so of him; for
+evil people and thieves think ill of each other. But hold a little, one
+thing more I have to say to you, and that is, to take notice of thy
+sweethearts when they come a-wooing to thee, I mean of their civil
+behaviour; for if they swear, vow, and make great protestations, then
+have a care of thyself, for many words breed dissimulation; therefore
+have a care of such: but if a man come to thee that is sober and civil
+behaved, there are hopes of his proving a good man." "Now, mother, I
+will take my leave of you, giving you many thanks for your good advice;
+and so, farewell, till I see you again, and I intend to take this
+counsel."
+
+Another time Mother Bunch was in a little meadow, not far from her
+house, on the 30th of April, before sunrising. A handsome maid, seeing
+her alone, came to her, and said, "Mother Bunch, good morrow, how do you
+do? Pray, what makes you abroad so early in the morning? You seem to be
+in a deep study." "Daughter, you say very true; I am studying who shall
+be my next husband, and if thou wilt but please to stay a little while,
+thou shalt see a pretty art, which thou never saw before, to teach you
+how to know your sweetheart." "This is a pretty art indeed, and I should
+be glad to know it."
+
+"Hark! hark! daughter, is not yonder the cuckoo singing?" "Yes, yes, and
+I have not heard her sing this year before now." "Then, daughter, sit
+down by me, but hold, Are you fasting?" "Yes." "But has no man kissed
+you?" "No." Then sit thee down by me. "I think the cuckoo is mad, what a
+life she leads; I think she is a witch; but no matter: put off thy right
+shoe and stocking, and let me look between thy great toe and the next:
+Now, daughter, see, this hair is a long one; look well at it, and tell
+me what colour it is." "I think it is really yellow." "The same colour
+will thy husband's hair be." "But, Mother Bunch, I do not matter the
+colour so much as the condition." "I will tell you his condition: he may
+prove surly enough, and perhaps make you do as you did not imagine: you
+must give him good words, and give him good for evil." "Mother Bunch,
+you make me smile, you talk so merrily." "Come, daughter, it is no great
+matter; merry talk does no harm, but drives the time away. But hark!
+daughter, I have had three husbands myself, and I think to have another;
+and do you think I am so mad to tell him all I do? Then, my daughter, I
+have another way to tell you who must be your husband; I have proved it
+true; and it is the best time of the year to try it, therefore, observe
+what I say: Take a St. Thomas' onion, pare it, and lay it on a clean
+handkerchief under your pillow; and as you lie down, say these words--
+
+    Good St. Thomas, do me right,
+    And bring my love in dreams this night,
+    That I may view him in the face.
+
+"Then go to sleep as soon as you can, and in your first sleep you shall
+dream of him who is to be your husband. This I have tried, and it has
+proved true. Yet I have another pretty way for a maid to know her
+sweetheart, which is as follows: Take a summer apple of the best fruit,
+stick pins close into the apple, to the head, and as you stick them take
+notice which of them is the middlemost, and give it what name you fancy;
+put it into thy left hand glove, and lay it under thy pillow on Saturday
+night; after thou gettest into bed, then clap thy hands together, and
+say these words--
+
+    If thou be he that must have me
+      To be thy wedded bride,
+    Make no delay, but come away,
+      In dream to my bedside.
+
+"And in thy sleep thou shalt see him, and be not afraid, for it is a sign
+he will prove a good husband. And this is a good way for a young man to
+know his sweetheart, giving the middlemost pin the name he fancies best,
+putting the apple in his right hand glove, and laying it under his
+pillow when he is in bed, saying--
+
+    If thou be she that must have me
+      In wedlock for to join,
+    Make no delay, but come away
+      So I may dream of mine.
+
+"And that night he may see her, and if she come it is a sign she will
+prove a good wife. And now, daughter, the time passes away, and I must
+be gone, and so bid you farewell." "Mother Bunch, I give you many thanks
+for your good counsel, and intend to take your advice."
+
+Upon a time, Mother Bunch, being at a wedding, where young men and maids
+were met, who had a mind for some discourse with her, one young man
+said, "Mother Bunch, we know you are a woman that has a judgment in many
+things, I pray, tell my fortune." "I cannot tell fortunes," said she,
+"but thou blinkest too much with one eye to be true to one woman." "Aye,
+but, mother," says another, "what think you of me?" "Thou mayest come to
+marry a lady, if thou canst but lay a great wager with her, three to
+one; and if she wagers with thee, thou wilt be very likely to win, for
+thou hast mettle in thee; but have a care she win not the odds, if she
+does thou art clean gone. So farewell."
+
+Now Mother Bunch took her leave; and going home, she met a maid going to
+a wedding. "How do you do, mother?" "Thank you, daughter, whither are
+you going?" "To the wedding, I believe; but hark you, mother, will you
+sit down a little, I have something to say to you." "What is it,
+daughter?" "When shall I be married?" "Would you fain be married?" "Yes,
+mother, if I could get a good husband." "Then, daughter, I will tell you
+the best I can, if you will take my advice. In the month of January are
+many dangerous days for thee to take notice of; these are the first,
+second, third, fourth, and fifth: there are a great many more; but if
+thou marriest on these days, thy husband will cuckold thee, or thou wilt
+make him one, or else you will soon be parted by one means or other; but
+for all there be so many bad days in this month I can tell you of one
+day which is lucky, and many young men and maids have a deal of heart's
+ease on that day, or the day after, as I shall let you understand; it is
+the 21st, called St. Agnes' day. This St. Agnes has a great favour for
+young men and maids, and will bring their sweethearts, if they follow my
+rules: Upon this day you must be sure to keep a fast, and neither eat
+nor drink all that day, nor at night; neither let man, woman, nor child
+kiss thee on that day; and thou must be sure, when thou goest to bed, to
+say--
+
+    Now, St. Agnes, play thy part,
+    And send to me my own sweetheart;
+    And show me such a happy bliss,
+    This night to dream of a sweet kiss.
+
+"And be sure to fall asleep as soon as you can, and before you awake out
+of your first sleep, you shall see him come before you, and shall
+perceive by his habit what tradesman he is; and be sure thou declare not
+thy dream unto any one in ten days, and by that time thou mayest see thy
+dream come to pass. All this I have proved three times; for I have had
+three husbands, and they all proved tradesmen. The first was a straw
+joiner, the second a louse-trap maker, and the third a gentle craft, and
+he came to me with his awl in his hand, and so I waked out of my dream;
+but I thought the time long till he came again; as all maids do that
+desire to be married. I know some maids would wait in order to have a
+husband with the best conditions, and endowed with the best
+qualifications; nay they would have impossibilities: but I am afraid
+they will make good the old proverb, that says--
+
+    'If you will not when you may,
+    When you would you shall have nay.'
+
+"Therefore, take my advice, if a young man comes to you of a civil
+carriage, and you think you can love him, be not scornful to him, but
+give him a civil encouragement, according to his behaviour."
+
+And as to young men, my advice is, they be wary in their choice, since
+there is as much danger in choosing of a wife as a husband: wherefore,
+all young men, take my advice: choose not one with a long nose, a
+scolding brow, and thin lips, for in such there is great danger. He who
+is tied to a scold is tied to sorrow; choose not one who is counted a
+slut, if she be a slut, she is idle also, and these two companions will
+bring thee to poverty; nay, besides this, the old saying is, 'A slut
+will poison the gout, and if you can't eat with her, you won't sleep
+with her.'
+
+But this is the best way of choosing a wife: Take one for love, not for
+riches which fly away, for true love never varies; and where that is,
+the blessing of God is. If you desire to live a long life, be not
+overfond of riches, but choose a civil handsome maid, who is not given
+to pride: such a maid may make a fine wife. But she that brings a
+handsome fortune, will be always throwing it in your teeth, which often
+occasions great disturbances; therefore let this suffice for those who
+desire to get good wives; and take notice of what I have already said,
+and you may fare the better.
+
+And as for young maids, this is my advice, if they will not try St.
+Agnes, let them be sure to choose a clever, honest man, who is able to
+support them in comfort.
+
+
+
+
+    PART II.
+
+
+On Michaelmas Day, Mother Bunch, sitting on the bank of a river, joining
+to a neighbouring grove, beheld the late flourishing branches in their
+decay, whose sapless leaves were falling to the earth, from which she
+began seriously to consider her own mortality; and since time had
+hurried on the winter of her age, and covered her aged head with snowy
+locks, she might expect, ere long, to fall, like the enfeebled leaves.
+Therefore, she resolved, as she had been a kind friend to young men and
+maids, to give a further testimony of her regard before she left this
+world. For as her painful study and strict observation had made a large
+improvement in her stock of knowledge she would not have it buried in
+the grave with her, but leave it to posterity for the benefit of young
+men and maids, whereby they might learn to understand their good and bad
+fortunes, and by the directions of this book be thoroughly furnished
+with many secret rarities never before published to the world.
+
+Accordingly, the next day she wrote letters of invitation to the young
+men and maids to repair to her house on St. Luke's Day. The maids she
+appointed to meet in the morning, to be first instructed, and that for
+two reasons. First, as she herself was a woman, she would teach them
+first, lest the bachelors should be too hard for them before they had
+learned their lessons. Secondly, that young women should be first served
+in this, it being Horn Fair Day, many of the bachelors would be employed
+in the morning, in handing old citizens' young wives to the fair; and in
+the afternoon they might be at liberty. This was the determination of
+old Mother Bunch.
+
+Now against the time appointed, old Mother Bunch decked up her house,
+neat and fine, and, getting up early in the morning, placed herself in
+the closet, where her treasure lay.
+
+Now the first that entered the room was one Margery Loveman, a
+maltster's maid, who, with a low curtsey, said, "Good morrow, Mother
+Bunch, I am come to partake of your bounty; for I hear you have a second
+time opened your Golden Closet of Curiosities for the benefit of young
+lovers." "Yes, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "so I have, and thou shalt
+partake of the same. Here is infallible rules and directions to guide
+you in all manner of love intrigues; also, how to know what sort of man
+you shall marry, and whither he will prove loving or not."
+
+"Dear mother, these are things I fain would know; for, believe me, I
+have many sweethearts, and I willingly choose the best, lest I should
+marry in haste and repent at leisure. 'Tis true, I have near a hundred
+and fifty pounds to my portion, the great noise of which has brought
+many sweethearts, for I have no less than five or six at this time; and,
+mother, I would fain know which of them comes for love of me, and which
+of them for money." "Daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "here is an
+experiment, if you will but try, it will make a clear discovery of the
+reality of their love. Let a report be spread that thou hast lately been
+robbed of all that thou hast, both money and apparel. Now, if after
+this, there is one of them that continues his love as before, you may be
+very certain that he is faithful; but, be sure that you keep this
+counsel to yourself, that the secret be not discovered." "I will take
+care of that, dear mother," quoth Margery, "and I heartily thank you for
+this kind and seasonable advice."
+
+    "Good morrow, daughter," she replied,
+    "Young men are false, and must be tried."
+
+She was no sooner gone, but in comes Mrs. Susan, a young sempstress from
+Salisbury, with sorrowful lamentation, weeping and wringing her hands.
+"How now!" quoth good Mother Bunch; "what is the matter with you,
+daughter, that you go on at this rate?" "Alas! Mother Bunch," quoth
+Susan, "my--my--my--my--my--my!" "What my?" said Mother Bunch. Quoth
+sobbing Susan, "My sorrows are more than I am able to bear; for, mother,
+dear Frank the fiddler, my old love, and I are fallen out, and he swears
+he will not have me." "Come, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "be of good
+comfort, for I will put thee in an effectual way to find whither Frank
+the fiddler be really angry with thee or not; and if he be, I will teach
+thee infallibly how to obtain his favour again. 'She that is afraid of
+every grass, must not think to go in a meadow.' Let your angry love but
+alone for a season, and he will soon come to himself again; for I know
+that love is a puny darling, and wants very frequently to be humoured.
+Therefore, let him alone, in time he will forget his anger, and return
+to thee again, if he has any principle, good nature, or loyal love in
+him; and if not, you had better be without him than during your whole
+life to be tied to so sour an apple tree. Remember the old proverb,
+'Set thy stool in the sun; if a knave goes, an honest man may come.' I
+hope thou hast not been playing the wanton wagtail with him, hast thou?"
+"No, indeed, dear Mother Bunch; but yet, I must needs confess that he
+fain would have played a lesson on my lute last market day, but I would
+not let him; and that was the cause of our falling out." "Sayest thou
+so, daughter? Why, then, I will tell thee, that since he found thou
+withstood his temptations, with so much resolution, take my word for it
+he will never forget thee." "Well, dear mother," quoth young Susan,
+"your words have been comfortable to me; and when I find the good
+effects, I will return and give you an account of it. And so farewell,
+dear mother, for the present."
+
+    "Right happy, daughter, may you be,
+    In guarding your true purity."
+
+The next that entered the room was Eliza, the miller's maid, who, after
+making a very low curtsey, and giving Mother Bunch the time of the day,
+desiring to know for what reason she sent her that letter? "Why," says
+the old woman, "to the end that I might reveal to you some secrets
+relating to love, which I have never discovered to the world." "But,
+dear Mother Bunch," quoth Margery, "I am a mere stranger to love, for I
+never in my life knew what it meant." "That may be," quoth Mother Bunch;
+"yet you know not how soon you may receive the arrows of Cupid, then you
+would be glad of some of my advice, for I know by myself, that the best
+woman of you all, at one time or other, has a desire to know what it is
+to be married." Quoth Margery, "You talk merrily, Mother Bunch." "Well,
+daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "you may term it as you please; but I
+will appeal to your own conscience whether or no you would be glad, with
+all your heart, of a kind and loving husband."
+
+"Dear Mother," quoth Margery, "you come quite close to the matter; and
+if I may be so free as to speak my own mind, I could willingly have such
+a one; for though house-keeping is said to be very chargeable often, yet,
+on the other hand, a married state is honourable." "Thou sayest well,
+daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "and if thou hast a mind to see the man
+whom thou shalt marry, then follow strictly my directions, and you shall
+not fail of your desire. Let me see--this is St. Luke's Day, which I
+have found by long study to be of greater use to that purpose than that
+of the celebrated St. Agnes, which I formerly recommended you to; and
+the ingredients now to be used are of a quite different and finer
+quality, and far more excellent for performing the same.
+
+"Now I would have you take some marigold flowers, a large sprig of sweet
+marjoram, a sprig of fresh thyme, and a small quantity of wormwood; dry
+these together before the fire, till you may rub them to a powder; then
+sift the same through a piece of fine lawn. This being done, take a
+small quantity of virgin honey, and right white wine vinegar, and simmer
+them together in a new earthen porringer, over a mild and gentle fire;
+all which being done, anoint your forehead and cheeks, and lips,
+likewise, with the same, just the moment you are lying down in your bed;
+always remembering to repeat these words three times--
+
+    St. Luke, St. Luke, be kind to me,
+    And let me now my true love see.
+
+"This said, hasten to sleep with all speed; then in the soft slumber of
+your night's repose the very man you are to marry shall appear before
+you walking to and fro near to your bedside, very plain and visible to
+be seen: you shall perfectly behold the colour of his hair, his visage,
+stature, and deportment. And if he be one that will prove faithful, he
+will approach you with a smile, and offer to salute you; which, when he
+does, do not seem to be overfond or peevishly froward, but receive the
+same with a becoming mild and modest smile. Now, if he be one that will,
+after marriage, forsake his house to wander after strange women, then
+will he offer to be rude and uncivil with thee, at which time thou shalt
+lift up thy hand to smite him; so doing, it will go well with thee, and
+thy guardian angel will keep thee ever safe. Daughter, these are
+rarities which I never before divulged. Do but put this in execution,
+and I am certain it will answer the desired effect." "I must needs thank
+you for your love," quoth Margery; "and so farewell, Mother Bunch."
+"Good-bye, daughter," she replied.
+
+    "Let joy and pleasure crown your days,
+    And a kind man your fortune raise."
+
+The next that appeared was Kate, the cloth-worker's daughter; then Doll,
+the dairymaid; Joan, Bridget, Nancy, and Phillis, in number about forty
+together, each of them crying out with a loud voice, "Dear Mother Bunch,
+remember me." "O remember me," quoth another; and so did they all, till
+they made the poor old woman's ears deaf with the clamorous noise. "My
+dear daughters," quoth Mother Bunch, "sit you all down and be quiet, for
+there is never a one amongst you but will partake of my bounty.
+Daughters, I will sit in the midst of you, where I shall read over a
+very interesting lecture. My real motive is to give you a full account
+of some rare and excellent curiosities, in my Golden Closet, newly broke
+open; declaring that it is my opinion that those things which are
+profitable to one maid may not be prejudicial, in any respect, to
+another, and this I shall begin. First, if any of you here desire to
+know the name of the man whom you shall marry, let her seek in the
+summer time for a green peasecod, in which there are nine pease; when
+you have done this, either write, or cause to be written, on a slip of
+paper, these words--
+
+    Come in, my dear,
+    And never fear.
+
+"Writing which, you must carefully close within the aforesaid peasecod,
+and lay the same under the threshold of the door, and then observe the
+next man that comes into the house; for you shall certainly be married
+to one of the same name.
+
+"Secondly, she that desires to be satisfied whether she shall get the man
+desired or no, let her take two lemon-peels in the morning, and wear
+them all the day under her arm-pit, then at night let her not fail to
+take them and rub the four posts of the bed with the same; which being
+done, in your first sleep, he will seem to come and present you with a
+couple of choice lemons, if not, there is no hope.
+
+"Thirdly, she that is desirous to know what manner of fortune she shall
+marry, whether a gentleman, a tradesman, or a traveller, the experiment
+is thus: Take a walnut, a hazel nut, and a nutmeg; crack the two nuts,
+and take off the scurf; peel them clear from the kernels, and grate part
+of the nutmeg to them; this being done, bruise the kernels of the nuts,
+and mix them with butter and sugar, making them up into peels, which are
+to be taken just when you are lying down in your bed. Then if your
+fortune be to marry a gentleman, your sleep will be filled with fine
+golden dreams, variety of sweet music, and many running footmen; if a
+tradesman, great noise and tumults; if a traveller (who is a seaman),
+then frightful visions of lightning and roaring thunder will disturb
+your sleep. This has been often tried, and as often approved.
+
+"Fourthly, St. Agnes' Day I have not wholly blotted out of my book; no,
+but I have found a more exact way of trial than before: You shall not
+need to abstain from kisses, nor be forced to keep a fast from a glance
+of your love in the night. If you can rise to be at the parish church
+door punctually between the hours of twelve and one in the morning, and
+then and there put only the fore-finger of your right hand into the
+key-hole of the said door, repeating the following words, three times
+over--
+
+    O sweet St. Agnes, now draw near
+    With my true love, let him appear.
+
+"Then he will straight approach to you with a cheerful and smiling
+countenance. This is a new and infallible way of making the trial.
+
+"Fifthly, my dear daughters, you all know the thirteenth day of February
+is Valentine's Day, at which time the fowls of the air couple together,
+and not only so, but the young men and maidens are for choosing mates at
+the same time. Now, that you may speed to your full satisfaction, follow
+this approved direction: Take five bay leaves, lay one under every
+corner of your pillow, and the fifth under the middle, then laying
+yourself down to rest, repeat the following words in the four lines,
+seven times over--
+
+    Some guardian angel let me have
+    What I most earnestly do crave,
+    A valentine endowed with love,
+    Which will both kind and constant prove.
+
+"Then to your great content, you shall either have the valentine of him
+you desire, or, at least, one much more excellent.
+
+"Sixthly, the experiment of the midsummer smock, found in a better
+manner than before, by my painful study in philosophy. And now,
+daughters," quoth she, "take particular notice, for it is thus: Let
+seven of you together, on a midsummer's eve, exactly at the sun's
+setting, go silently into some garden, and gather each of you a sprig of
+red sage, then return to some private room, prepared particularly for
+that purpose, with a stool placed in the middle, each one of you having
+a clean smock, turned the wrong side outwards, hanging upon a line
+across the room, then let every one lay her sprig of red sage on a clean
+plate of rosewater set on a stool; which done, place yourselves in a
+row, where continue till twelve or one o'clock, saying nothing,
+whatever you see, for after midnight, each one's sweetheart or husband,
+that shall be, will take each maid's sprig out of the rosewater, and
+sprinkle his love's smock, and those who are so unfortunate as never to
+be married, their sprigs shall not be moved; and in consequence hereof
+many sobs and heavy sighs will be heard. This has been very often tried
+in our own country, and never failed of the desired effect.
+
+    These things I have found out of late,
+    To make young lovers fortunate.
+
+"And now, my dear daughters, I have but a few more words to say at this
+time, and they are by way of caution: In the twelve months I find above
+one and thirty very unfortunate days; and therefore, as you regard the
+future happiness of your lives, take care that you do not enter into
+wedlock upon those days. Now, for your better instruction, I'll tell you
+which they be.
+
+    "In January there are four; the 7th, 16th, 17th, and 18th.
+    February hath two; the 5th and 10th.
+    March hath three; the 9th, 10th, and 21st.
+    April hath two; the 6th and 7th.
+    May hath two; the 4th and 13th.
+    June hath three; the 7th, 9th, and 10th.
+    July hath two; the 9th and 17th.
+    August hath two; the 11th and 15th.
+    September hath three; the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
+    October hath three; the 4th, 14th, and 15th.
+    November hath two; the 5th and 24th.
+    December hath three; the 6th, 7th, and 9th.
+            Observe my rules for all these days,
+            And then you will your fortune raise."
+
+This said, old Mother Bunch presented them with a cup of her fine
+cordial water, and so dismissed them; and the young damsels, with
+rapturous hearts, returned her their hearty thanks.
+
+After Mother Bunch had done dinner, the young men came, to wit, Tom the
+miller, Ralph the thatcher, and Robin the ploughman, with a great number
+of other trades and callings, all whom Mother Bunch invited to sit down
+that she might deliver her wholesome counsels to them.
+
+And first she begins with Tom the miller, saying, "Ah, Tom! thou art a
+sad wild young fellow; there is not a maid that can come to the mill but
+thou will be fooling with them, but take my word for it, if you do not
+leave off in time, you will certainly spoil all your fortune. What woman
+do you think, having a portion, will have such a one? She may justly
+conclude that you will still run a catterwauling after young wenches,
+and leave her to sigh and weep for want of domestic happiness--you know
+what I mean, Tom."
+
+"Yes, yes, mother," quoth Tom, "but sure you do not take me for such a
+one." "Yes, Tom, I do, and am seldom mistaken. It is you millers that
+fill the country so full of cracked-headed maidens, that when an honest
+husband comes to marry he finds the hearts already stolen away. But
+farewell, I'll have no more to say to such a fellow as you."
+
+Then turning to Ralph the thatcher, she said, "I find you are very
+desirous of a wife, and your ambition is such that she must be rich,
+young, and beautiful: cannot you content yourself with honest Joan, to
+whom you gave promise of marriage? And now I find you have a mind to
+leave her, which if you do, and obtain such a one as you desire, I can
+tell you what will follow. She won't stand picking of straws with you,
+her fair face will find many friends in a corner, and you may chance to
+be a cuckold, and indeed but justly served in your kind; and, therefore,
+I advise you to return to your old love, for she is a very honest girl,
+and therefore far more fit for you than such a gay butterfly as you have
+lately followed."
+
+Then she stretched forth her hand to Robin the ploughman, saying, "Thou
+art an honest fellow, and good fortune will always attend thee. I mean
+not bags of gold nor heaps of silver; but thou shalt have a careful and
+industrious wife, one that will ever be willing and ready to labour, a
+true and faithful yoke-mate, and one that will be a cheerful partner in
+thy weal and woe, to comfort and support thee under the greatest and
+most severe trials. For, as the poet has it--
+
+    That burden may be borne
+      By two with care,
+    Which is perhaps too much
+      For one to bear.
+
+"Honest Robin, this is thy happy fortune, and as thou art a downright
+honest fellow, I am glad to find it so."
+
+    Thus Mother Bunch went round the room,
+    And told them what would be their doom,
+    If they her daughters did betray,
+    And steal their maiden hearts away,
+    Each would be punished with a bride,
+    By whom he should be hornify'd;
+    But if they were right honest men,
+    Each of them should have fortune then.
+    This said, she did her blessing give,
+    In love and happiness to live;
+    Which when they did the same receive,
+    Of Mother Bunch they took their leave,
+    Declaring she had told them more,
+    Than e'er they understood before.
+
+Now for these poor young creatures that have pined themselves to death,
+and have no cure, the worst of pretenders to physiognomy might prescribe
+them a remedy, and all those of what constitution soever that have hoped
+houses of their own, I will show you how you shall see the person that
+is to give you one, collected from Trismegistus and Cornelius Agrippa.
+
+On midsummer Eve three or four of you must dip your dresses in fair
+water, then turn them wrong side outwards, and hang them on chairs
+before the fire, and lay some salt in another chair, and speak not a
+word. In a short time the likeness of him you are to marry will come and
+turn your dresses, and drink to you; but if there be any of you will
+never marry, they will hear a bell, but not the rest.
+
+    _Another way, quickly tried._
+
+Take hemp-seed, and go into what place you will by yourself, carry the
+seed in your apron, and with your right hand throw it over your shoulder
+saying,
+
+    Hemp-seed I sow, hemp-seed I sow,
+    And he that must be my true love,
+    Come after me and mow.
+
+And at the ninth time expect to see the figure of him you are to wed, or
+else hear a bell as before.
+
+    Yet though you hear the sad and dismal bell
+    It is your own fault if you hear the horrid knell.
+                    _Another way._
+
+You that dare venture into a churchyard, just as it strikes twelve at
+night, take a naked sword in your hand, and go nine times about the
+church, saying,
+
+    Here's the sword, but where's the scabbard?
+
+Which continue the whole time you go round; and the ninth time the
+person you are to marry will meet you with a scabbard and so kiss you:
+if not, a bell as before.
+
+    _Another, called the Dutch Cake._
+
+Three, four, or more of you must make a cake of flour and salt (no
+matter of what flour), and some of each of your own baking; make your
+cake broad, and each of you set the two first letters of your name with
+a pin, but leave such a distance that it may be cut; then set it before
+the fire, but speak not one word. Turn it each of you once; and the
+person to be your husband will cut out your name; then the next, unto
+the last.
+
+    _Another way._
+
+The first change of the new moon on the New Year, the first time you
+see it, hold your hands across, saying this three times--
+
+    New moon, new moon, I pray thee,
+    Tell me this night who my true love will be.
+
+Then go to sleep without speaking a word, and you will certainly dream
+of the person you shall marry.
+
+    _Another way experienced often._
+
+Young men and maids may take some rosemary flowers, bay leaves, a little
+thyme, sweet marjoram, and southern-wood; make these into powder, and
+with barley flour make a cake, but do not bake it. Lay this under your
+head any Friday night; and if you dream of music, you will wed those you
+desire in a short time; if of the sea or ships, you will travel first;
+if of a church, you must be contented to die single.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                   COMICAL HISTORY
+
+                       OF THE
+
+                COURTIER AND TINKER
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _The Courtier finds the Tinker asleep; he has him carried in
+         that posture to his house; lays him on a Bed in a
+         stately Room with rich Clothes by him; feasts and
+            entertains him with fine Music; makes him
+                  drunk, and then conveys him
+                         back again._
+
+
+A Courtier one day riding along with his retinue espied a Tinker who had
+been taking a very early draught to quench the spark in his throat,
+lying fast asleep, and snoring under a sunny bank, having made his
+budget into his pillow, to rest his drowsy head upon; and the
+Courtier's country house not being far off, he immediately caused his
+servants to take him up very softly, and carry him thither, then to put
+him in a stately bed in the next chamber, pull off his foul shirt, and
+put on him a clean one, then convey away his old clothes, and lay rich
+ones by him. This was punctually observed. The Tinker being thus laid,
+slept soundly till evening; when rousing up between sleeping and waking,
+and being dry, as drunkards usually are, he began to call for some
+drink, but was greatly frighted to find himself in such a palace,
+furnished with lights and attendants about him, that bowed to him, and
+harmonious music, accompanied with most charming voices, but none of
+them to be seen. Whereupon looking for his old clothes and budget, he
+found a muff and rich attire glistening with gold by him, which made him
+fancy himself metamorphosed from a Tinker to a Prince. He asked many
+questions, but in vain, yet being willing to rise, the attendants
+arrayed him in the richest attire; so then he looked on all sides
+admiring the sudden change of fortune, and as proud as a peacock when he
+spreads his tail against the glittering beams of the sun. And being
+arrayed, they had him into another room, where was a costly banquet
+prepared, and placed him in a chair, under a fine canopy, fringed with
+gold, being attended with wine in gilded cups. At first he strained
+courtesy, but being entreated to sit down, the banquet being solely at
+his disposal, he fell to most heartily. Then after supper they plied him
+with so much wine, as to make him dead drunk, then stripped him, and put
+on his old clothes; they carried him as they had brought him, and laid
+him in the same posture they found him, being all this time asleep; and
+when he awoke he took all that had happened before for a vision, telling
+it wherever he came, that he had really and verily dreamed he had been a
+prince, telling them as well as he could all that had happened, but
+plainly he saw now again his fortune would raise him no higher than to
+mend old kettles; yet he made the following song for the fraternity to
+sing at their leisure:--
+
+    All you that jovial Tinkers are,
+        Come listen unto me:
+    I dreamed a dream that was so rare,
+    That none to it I can compare,
+        No Tinker such did see.
+
+    I thought I was a King indeed,
+        Attired gay and fine;
+    In a stately palace I did tread,
+    Was to a princely banquet led,
+        And had good cheer of wine.
+
+    But soon I found me in a ditch,
+        That did no comfort lend;
+    This shows a Tinker, though he itch
+    To be a Prince, or to grow rich,
+        Must still old kettles mend.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _The Courtier's Trick upon the Tinker for complaining that he
+                could get no drink at his house._
+
+
+The Tinker I have before mentioned, not knowing the house where he had
+been so nobly entertained, and which he only took for a vision, and
+often walking that road and crying old brass to mend, had been called in
+to work, and was often asked various questions by the servants, and as
+often told them his imaginary vision; but they giving him no strong
+liquor, he often complained of it in the town, saying, "Though some had
+praised Sir John's liberality, and how free he was of his liquor, yet
+for his own part, he could say no such thing, as having ever found him
+so stingy and niggardly, that not so much as one sup of his famed March
+or October beer could he get." This being babbled about came to the
+Courtier's ears, who was resolved to punish his sauciness, though in a
+comical way. So one day as he was passing by, he ordered him to be
+called in to do some work; and after he had done it to come to him (as
+having laid all his schemes with his servants beforehand). "Come, old
+fellow," said he, "you look as if you were as dry as Vulcan. What say
+you if I should order you where you may have your fill of good drink?
+Would not you be glad of it?" "Ay, master," said he, making a nod and a
+scrape, "God's blessing on your heart for it, and I thank you too."
+
+Upon this he ordered his butler to have him down, and be sure not to
+stint him, and let him have his full swill. They instantly went, and the
+Tinker followed them very joyfully. But they had no sooner gotten him
+down, but shutting to the door close, they ordered him to strip
+immediately; at the which he much wondered, and began to make excuses on
+account of the blackness of his hide, which would be very undecent and
+unseemly. But they pretended it was the way of the cellar, when a new
+comer was to be made free of it, but never after, how oft soever he
+came. He being willing to comply, that he might have his skin full of
+good liquor, that might prove both as meat and cloth to him, off went
+his leathern doublet, breeches, shoes, stockings, and hat; as for shirt
+he had none, having pawned it to his hostess that morning for three
+noggins of brandy. Then taking a frisk or two in a merry vein, they
+surprisingly whipped him up by the heels, and put him into a full butt
+of strong beer, the upper head being taken up for that purpose. So he
+dipped over head and ears like a duck that dives. Yet after he had
+recovered his legs, it was but just shoulder deep, for when upon winding
+of the horn, whilst he would have been scrambling out, down came Sir
+John, demanding what was the matter. They told him "the Tinker was not
+content to drink full horns at the cock, but would needs go in to drink
+all at a draught." "Aye," said he, "this is a thirsty soul indeed; but
+since he undertakes to drink it, he shall do it, for none of my servants
+shall drink it now, he has washed his dirty hide in it;" crying to him
+with an angry voice, "Sirrah, you rogue, drink it as you proposed, or it
+shall be worse for you," and while he stood shivering up to his neck,
+and was endeavouring to lay the blame upon others, the Courtier seemed
+impatient to be dallied with, drew a broad sword that was two-edged,
+protesting his head should go off for abusing his good liquor, was there
+no more Tinkers in the world, and with that, making a full blow at him,
+as the Tinker believed. And seeing him in such a passion, he to avoid
+the coming stroke dropped down over head and ears, staying under as long
+as he could, and peeping up, and seeing the threatening danger, he
+dropped down again for six or seven times. Till fearing to carry the
+jest too far, he gave him a short respite, telling him, "Now he could
+not report abroad he was so very niggardly of his drink, for he had or
+might have enough of it." Then bidding his servants to take him out, and
+ordered him to depart, or drink it up, which he thought fit. And thus he
+went away laughing. The Tinker, who was at first very angry, but being
+cheered up with a cordial dram, and so made sensible that all this was
+but a frolic, and that for the future their master would be his good
+friend if he behaved civilly, he was pacified, and so putting on his
+clothes, he beat the road for a gang of merry fellows of his
+acquaintance, informing them, there was a hogshead of March beer at Sir
+John's, which they all might be partakers of if they choosed; they came
+joyfully, and had it brought into the court-yard, in black jacks. After
+they had drunk it, the Tinker told them the cause of its being given
+away, was because there was a swine that had unexpectedly fallen into
+it; but on further inquiry he told them all the circumstances, which set
+them a-laughing till their sides were almost cracked. Afterwards they
+had plenty of victuals sent them, and the Tinker being thus made free of
+the cellar, was ordered to call at the house, and have victuals and
+drink as often as he came that way. And so they departed, spreading the
+fame of Sir John in every place they came, as a bountiful benefactor;
+singing as they went, the following song:--
+
+    Good house-keeping, they say, is fled,
+      Or hawks or hounds, and whores have rid her;
+    But we say she's not fled nor dead,
+      Who have so plentiful beheld her.
+
+    Long may he flourish in this nation,
+      And get it praised as of old,
+    That we by following the French fashion,
+      May not make charity grow cold.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _A Comical Trick he made the Tinker serve an old Farmer,
+           who used to ride sleeping, making him think
+                  that his horse was the Devil._
+
+
+The Tinker being better pleased with his treatment, often frequented the
+house, making the Knight merry with his pleasant songs, etc., so that he
+was much pleased with his conversation, and often gave him money, and
+one day put him upon a frolic, seeing him an apt fellow. He had seen an
+old curmudgeon farmer, sleeping and nodding on his horse, as he came
+from market, and giving the Tinker directions what to do, when he should
+come by, knowing his hour, and delivering him a parcel of crackers and
+other fireworks, he caused him to be dressed in a raw hide with horns,
+when the Tinker, according to order, with the help of a servant, having
+stopped the farmer's horse, while the rider was sleeping, pitched four
+stakes, one at each corner of the pannel, and ungirting, he drew the
+horse from under, when taking off the bridle, he put his own head into
+the headstal; so then after he placed the fireworks under the pannel, he
+put a fuse lighted to them, and so kept motion as the horse used to do
+with the nodding farmer, who having the reins about his wrist, by his
+kicking he awaked, and seeing himself on a frightful beast, which he
+took for Beelzebub, he cried out, when the fire-work taking, blew up him
+and the pannel, and made him to fall quash to the ground, so that the
+Tinker made off with the stakes and pannel. The old man no sooner got
+up, but he fell to running, crying out, "The Devil, the Devil," and
+never durst come that way again but in company, rather choosing to go
+five miles about.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+_The Tinker complains to the Courtier of a Butcher's Dog
+     that often assaulted him. The Courtier, in the
+           Tinker's habit, fights and kills him;
+         and of his Examination before a Justice._
+
+
+The Tinker being awarded with a crown for his dexterity, went away; but
+one day being in merry talk with our Courtier, he changed his tone
+sadly, and told him that a butcher, on such a road, kept a lion-like
+mastiff dog; that he was not so much afraid to encounter him, as that if
+he would kill him, the butcher as he told him, would send him to jail,
+and punish him at the next sessions, having one Justice Clodpole on his
+side, who was his landlord, and whose house he served with meat, and
+doubted not would hearken to anything he said against him although ever
+so false and unjust.
+
+Sir John having listened to his complaint, and laughed, bid him be of
+good cheer, for himself would try the dog adventure. Upon this he
+ordered some clothes to be brought, which the Tinker stripping, put on,
+and the Knight put on his, except his shirt, and taking his budget, pike
+staff, kettle, and hammer, away he went, beating his kettle, and crying,
+"Work for a Tinker," till he came near the butcher's house. The dog soon
+heard the tink, tink, and away he runs open-mouthed to meet the Tinker,
+they laughing to see how he would fright him; but Sir John having now
+thrown down his budget, was ready to receive him with the pike end of
+the staff, and after the dog wheeled, he returned and advanced eagerly
+to fly at his throat, but he thrust the pike of his staff into his
+breast; upon which he ran away howling, and tracing the ground with his
+blood, till he came to his master's, where he died. At this he was so
+much enraged, that he carried a constable, and seized the Knight, who
+purposely made no resistance. So taking him before a Justice, he made
+very great complaints against him.
+
+The Justice very gravely demanded what the fellow was brought before him
+for? The butcher said, "An't please your Worship, fur killing my
+servant." "Aye," said the Justice, "he looks like a bloody-minded
+villain, therefore write his mittimus, and see he be well-ironed, lest
+he make his escape."
+
+"I beseech your good Worship not to be so rash and hasty," said the
+Knight, "as to pass sentence upon me so hard. Pray ask this butcher what
+servant of his I killed?" "Ay," said the Justice, "let him speak." "Then
+in truth," said the Butcher, "I ought in conscience to speak the truth;
+it was but a dog, but such a dog, as I say I would not have taken the
+best five guineas in the country for. Do you see me, sir, he had rare
+qualities over other dogs; he would not only fetch home my sheep out of
+the field when I wanted them, and save me that trouble, but do you see,
+Mr. Justice, he would go a sheep-hunting, and drive me home a couple,
+and sometimes half a dozen of wild sheep, which nobody owned or I did
+not think fit to inquire after, or they after me; so that he made me a
+thriving man: besides he was the safeguard of my house, and I believe
+that he killed him on purpose that he might rob me."
+
+"Ay, ay," said the Justice; "all this is true, and you speak like an
+honest man, and he looks indeed like a rogue, and I believe you; but,
+however, we can't, indeed hang men for a dog, but I'll send him to jail,
+and there he shall lie and rot in his lousy linen, and drink
+kennel-water, and not one bit of meat, unless now and then a roasted
+turnip, cooled on a burdock leaf." "This is a very hard sentence,
+indeed, Mr. Justice," said our counterfeit Tinker. "No, no," replied the
+Justice, "it is too mild a one for such a villain as you are." But
+added, "I had like to have forgot a material point in his examination.
+Tell me, sirrah, how you came to kill this honest man's dog?" "Why,
+sir," said he, "with the pike end of my staff for running at me to bite
+me." "Aye, aye," said the Justice, "that was villainous in you; could
+you not have turned the other end, and given him a rap upon the pate?"
+"Yes," replied he, "if he had come to me with his tail foremost."
+
+"Prithee, show me," said the Justice, "how he came at thee?"--"I will
+show your worship; he came open mouthed, as I do to you now, crying,
+bow, wow, wow." And here running against the Justice, overthrew him in
+his chair to the ground; so that he most loudly cried out, "Murder!" and
+being got up he ordered his mittimus to be made, reviling him at a
+desperate rate. But all on a sudden the tables were turned; for no
+sooner being asked, but he told his name. When up starts the Justice,
+and coming unto him with a low reverence, "Oh! Sir John," said he, "Is
+it you! who could ever have thought it! I am heartily sorry for what I
+have said." Then turning to the butcher, who stood wondering, said,
+"Sirrah, you rascal, do you keep dogs to assault gentlemen? but I will
+teach you better manners; come bind him over to the sessions directly,
+and if he has no bail, take him to jail. This is a pretty thing indeed,
+that people cannot pass the road peaceably for such rogues as you
+keeping dogs." But Sir John interposing, all was pacified, and the
+butcher went home with a flea in his ear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                        HISTORY
+
+                        OF THE
+
+                      FOUR KINGS
+
+                         OF
+
+    Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland,
+
+            _Their Queens and Daughters;_
+
+                        BEING
+
+  The Merry Tales of TOM HODGE and his School-Fellows.
+
+
+
+
+    THE PREFACE.
+
+
+Not to detain the reader with many words to little purpose, I shall only
+here observe that Tom Hodge, with the rest of his old companions,
+belonging to the school of Cockermouth, were walking on a very pleasant
+morning in May, and having tired themselves with pranks and intrigues,
+towards evening they sat themselves down on a green bank, beneath a
+lovely oak, where they agreed amongst themselves that everyone should
+tell a tale, or pay a fine; and because Tom was the eldest scholar, it
+was concluded and agreed upon that he should begin first.
+
+    Says Tom, "With all my heart,
+    So I'll begin my part."
+
+
+    TALE I.
+
+Once upon a time, when the opinion was common in England that those
+whose age and experience enabled them to determine the consequences of
+certain actions were wizards and witches, there was a queen in this
+realm, whose name was Elizabeth; and by reason that the famous town of
+Lancaster was strangely pestered with witches, the queen sent some
+judges down to arraign and try them in order to bring them to justice.
+
+Now the news of this court being to be kept in Lancaster, spread through
+all the country, so that a husbandman living near forty miles from that
+place, hearing of this, news, and believing they were come to tell the
+folks whether they were witches or not, resolved to go to be satisfied
+in himself, for he was possessed with a fear that he was a witch,
+because he had a wart grew on his neck, which he imagined to be a dug.
+
+His wife, who had a friend in a corner, and was therefore glad of his
+absence, did not only give her consent, but also dressed him in his best
+leathern suit and broad-brimmed hat. So taking leave of his good wife
+Joan, he trudged on day and night until he came to the place where the
+court was kept; so rushing on and pressing through the crowd, the crier
+of the court believing him to be some evidence, gave orders that they
+should let him in, which was soon done, and he was required to speak
+what he had to say. "Why," says the countryman, "d'ye see, I've a dug
+upon my neck, which makes me afraid I am a witch, and volks tell me that
+these vine gentlemen (pointing to the judges) can tell a body whether
+one is a witch or no." The crier of the court seeing the simplicity of
+the man, said, "No, no, my friend, I can assure thee thou art no witch;
+thou lookest more like a cuckold than a witch or a conjurer." "I thank
+you, zur; and zo zays these vine gentlemen." Then having given three or
+four scrapes and half a dozen congees, he came back as wise as Waltham's
+calf. The next day he was met by his wife, who waited for his return at
+the town's end, to whom she said, "Well, husband, what do the gentlemen
+say? are you a witch or no?" "A witch, sweet wife, no; they tells a body
+one looks more like a cuckold than a witch, or a conjurer." "Why say
+you so?" replied she; "I prithee go back and have them taken up for
+witches; for except they had been so, they would not have known you were
+a cuckold."
+
+This merry tale so pleased them that they set up a hearty laugh, which,
+being ended, the second boy began his tale in the following manner.
+
+
+    TALE II.
+
+In the days of yore, when this land was governed by many kings, among
+the rest the king of Canterbury had an only daughter, and she was wise,
+fair, and beautiful. Her father sent forth a decree that whoever would
+watch one night with his daughter, and neither sleep nor slumber, he
+should have her the next day in marriage; but if he did either, he
+should lose his head. Many knights and squires attempted it, but lost
+their heads.
+
+Now, it happened a young shepherd, grazing his flock near the road, said
+to his master, "Zur, I zee many gentlemen ride to the court at
+Canterbury, but ne'er see 'em return again." "O, shepherd!" said his
+master, "I know not how they should; for they attempt to watch with the
+king's daughter, according to the decree, and not performing it, they
+are all beheaded." "Well," said the shepherd, "I'll try my vorton; zo
+now vor a king's daughter or a headless shepherd." And taking his bottle
+and bag, he trudged to court. Now, in his way, he was to cross a river,
+over which lay a plank; down he sits, and pulls off his shoes and
+stockings to wash his feet, lest the smell of his toes might be the
+means of keeping her awake. While he was washing his feet a fish came
+smelling and biting his toes; he caught it and put it into his bag:
+after which came a second, a third, and a fourth, which he caught and
+put in his bag likewise. This done, and dried his feet, he put on his
+stockings and shoes, and pursued his journey till he came to the palace,
+where he knocked loudly with his crook. He was no sooner let in, and
+having told his business, but he was conducted to a hall, prepared for
+that purpose, where the king's daughter sat ready to receive him; and
+the better to lull his senses, he was placed in a rich easy chair,
+having delicious wines for his supper, with many fine dishes of fruit,
+etc., of which the shepherd ate and drank plentifully, insomuch that he
+began to slumber before midnight. "O shepherd," said the lady, "I have
+caught you napping?" "Not, zweet ally, I was busy." "At what?" said she.
+"Why a feeshing." "Nay, shepherd, there is no fish-pond in the hall,"
+"No matter vor that, I have been feeshing." Says the lady, "Where do you
+fish?" "O," quoth he, "in my bag." "O me, have you catched e'er a one?"
+"Ay, lady," said he. "I'd willingly see it," replied she. "Ay, an't
+please you, you shall with all my heart." This said, he slyly drew one
+of the fishes out of his bag, at the sight of which she was greatly
+pleased, and praised it for a pretty fish: and withal said, "Dear
+shepherd, do you think you could catch one in mine too?" "Ay, ay,
+doubtless I can." Then he fell to fishing, and in a short time drew a
+second fish out of the bag pretending he drew it from her. The king's
+daughter was so pleased with it that she kissed it, declaring it was the
+finest she ever saw. And about half an hour after she said, "Shepherd,
+do you think you could get me one more?" He answered, "Mayhap I may,
+when I have baited my hook." "Then make haste, for I am impatient till I
+have another." Then the shepherd acted as before, and so presented her
+with another fish, which she also extolled and praised, saying, "It was
+ten times finer than the other;" and then gave him leave to sleep,
+promising to excuse him to her father.
+
+In the morning the king came into the hall as usual, followed by the
+headsman with a hatchet; but the lady cried out, "You may return with
+your hatchet, here is no work for you." "How so," said the king, "has
+he neither slumbered nor slept?" "No, royal father, he has not." "How
+has he employed himself?" "In fishing." "Why, there is never a
+fish-pond; where did he catch them?" "One in his own bag, and two in
+this one of mine." "Say you so? Well, friend, dost thou think thou
+can'st catch one in mine?" "An't please you, my liege, I believe I can."
+Then directing the king to lie down, he poked him with a packing needle,
+which made him cry out exceedingly; at which time he drew the other fish
+out of the bag, and showed it to the king. His majesty said, "He never
+knew such sort of fishing before; however, take my daughter, according
+to my royal decree." And so they were married, and the wedding kept in
+great triumph, and the shepherd became a king's son.
+
+"O that was mighty well," said the third boy, "he had wonderful good
+fortune. This puts me in mind of a story, which I will now tell in my
+turn."
+
+
+    TALE III.
+
+If I may believe my old grandmother, there lived in the county of
+Cumberland a nobleman, who had three sons. Two of them were comely and
+tall youths, wise and learned; the third a merry fool, and went often in
+a party-coloured coat and steeple crowned hat, at the top of which was a
+tassel In this dress he made a comical figure. At this time the king of
+Canterbury had a fine daughter, adorned with all the gifts of nature,
+joined to an ingenious education, she being very ripe-witted, as
+appeared by her ready answers and the comical questions she put forth.
+The king, her father, published a decree, that whoever should come to
+the court, and answer his daughter three questions, without study or
+stumbling, should have her in marriage, and also be heir to the crown at
+his decease. On publishing this decree, the said gentleman's two sons
+agreed between themselves to go and try how favourable fortune might be
+to them in this undertaking; but all their care was what they should do
+with their silly brother Jack; for, as they said, if he follows us, he
+will out with some foolish bolt, and so spoil our business. At length it
+was agreed on going to the court, to go out of the back door, which led
+to the road over several fields, about a mile from the house. They did
+so, but were no sooner got into the highway, but looking behind, they
+saw their brother Jack coming capering and dancing after them, saying,
+with a loud laughter, "So you are going to get a king's daughter, but I
+will pursue you." They saw there was no way to get rid of him, but by
+walking fast and leaving him behind, hoping thereby to get entrance
+before Jack, and then have the gates shut against him. They had not gone
+half a mile before Jack set up a great fit of laughter, at which one of
+his brothers said, "What's the fool found out now?" "Why, I've found an
+egg." "Put it in thy pocket," said his brothers. "Adad, and so I will,"
+says Jack. Presently after he was taken with another fit of laughter.
+"What's the fool found now?" "What have I found!" says Jack, "why a
+crooked stick." They bid him put that in his pocket also. "Ay, marry,
+will I." They had not walked much farther before Jack burst into a
+greater fit of laughter than before. His brothers said, "What's the fool
+found now?" "Found! why an orange." "Put that in your pocket likewise."
+"I intend it," says Jack. Now, by this time they were come near the
+palace gate, at which they no sooner knocked but they were admitted. But
+Jack never stood for ceremonies, but ran through the midst of the court,
+and as the wise brothers were making their addresses, Jack was laughing
+at the ladies, unto whom he said, "What a troop of fair ladies are got
+here!" "O yes, yes," said the king's daughter, who was among them, "we
+are fair ladies, for we carry fire in our bosom." "Do you?" said Jack;
+"then roast me an egg." "How will you get it out again?" "By a crooked
+stick which I have." "Ay, you will?" said she. "I have it in my pocket,"
+says Jack. In this Jack answered the three questions proposed. Then he
+was preferred to that honour which was mentioned in the decree. His two
+wise brothers then went home like two fools, and left foolish Jack to be
+reverenced at court with the king's fair daughter.
+
+Said the fourth boy, "This verifies the old proverb, 'Fools have
+fortune'; besides, it has put me in mind of a story that was told me by
+my aunt."
+
+
+    TALE IV.
+
+Long before Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, here reigned, in
+the easterly part of this land, a king who kept his court at Colchester.
+He was witty, strong and valiant, by which means he subdued his enemies
+abroad and planted peace among his subjects at home.
+
+Nevertheless, in the midst of all his earthly glory, his queen died,
+leaving behind her an only daughter, about fifteen years of age under
+the care of her royal husband. This lady, from her courtly carriage,
+beauty, and affability, was the wonder of all that knew her; but, as
+covetousness is the root of all evil, so it happened here.
+
+The king hearing of a lady who had likewise an only daughter, for the
+sake of her riches had a mind to marry her, though she was old, ugly,
+hook-nosed, and hump-backed, yet all could not deter him from marrying
+her. The daughter of the said piece of deformity was a yellow dowdy,
+full of envy and ill-nature; and, in short, was much of the same mould
+as her mother. This signified nothing, for in a few weeks the king,
+attended by the nobility and gentry, brought the said piece of deformity
+to his palace, where the marriage rites were performed. Long they had
+not been in the court before they set the king against his own beautiful
+daughter, which was done by false reports and accusations. The young
+princess, having lost her father's love, grew weary of the court, and on
+a certain day meeting with her father in the garden, she desired him,
+with tears in her eyes, to give her a small subsistence and she would go
+and seek her fortune, to which the king consented, and ordered her
+mother-in-law to make up a small sum according to her discretion. To her
+she went, who gave her a canvas bag of brown bread, a hard cheese, with
+a bottle of beer. Though this was but a very pitiful dowry for a king's
+daughter, she took it, returned thanks, and so proceeded, passing
+through groves, woods, and valleys, till at length she saw an old man
+sitting on a stone at the mouth of a cave, who said, "Good morning, fair
+maiden, whither away so fast?" "Aged father," says she, "I am going to
+seek my fortune." "What hast thou in thy bag and bottle?" "In my bag I
+have got bread and cheese, and in my bottle good small beer; will you
+please to partake of either?" "Yes," said he, "with all my heart." With
+that the lady pulled out her provision, and bid him eat and welcome. He
+did, and gave her many thanks, telling her there was a thick thorny
+hedge before her, which will appear to you impassable, but take this
+wand in your hand, strike three times, and say, "Pray hedge, let me come
+through;" and it will open immediately. Then a little further you will
+find a well, sit down on the brink of it, and there will come up three
+golden heads which will speak; and what they require, that do. Then
+promising she would, she took her leave of him. Coming to the hedge, and
+following the old man's direction, the hedge divided and gave her a
+passage. Then coming to the well, she had no sooner sitten down, but a
+golden head came up with a singing note, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down
+softly." "Yes," said the young lady; then putting forth her hand with a
+silver comb performed the office, placing it upon a primrose bank. Then
+came up a second, and a third, saying as the former, which she complied
+with; and then pulling out her provision, ate her dinner. Then said the
+heads one to another, "What shall we do for this lady, who hath used us
+so very kindly?" The first said, "I will cause such addition to her
+beauty as shall charm the most powerful prince in the world." The second
+said, "I will endow her with such perfume, both in body and breath, as
+shall far exceed the sweetest flowers." The third said, "My gift shall
+be none of the least, for as she is a king's daughter. I'll make her so
+fortunate that she shall become queen to the greatest prince that
+reigns." This done, at their request she let them down into the well
+again, and so proceeded on her journey. She had not travelled long
+before she saw a king hunting in the park with his nobles. She would
+have shunned him, but the king having a sight of her, made towards her,
+and between her beauty and perfumed breath, was so powerfully smitten
+that he was not able to subdue his passion, but proceeded on his
+courtship, where, after some compliments and kind embraces, he gained
+her love. And bringing her to his palace, he caused her to be clothed in
+the most magnificent manner.
+
+This being ended, and the king finding that she was the king of
+Colchester's daughter, ordered some chariots to be got ready that he
+might pay him a visit. The chariot in which the king and queen rode was
+beautified with rich ornamental gems of gold. The king, her father, was
+at first astonished that his daughter had been so fortunate as she was
+till the young king made him sensible of all that happened. Great was
+the joy at court among the nobility, except the queen and her
+club-footed daughter, who were ready to burst with malice, and envied
+her happiness; and the greater was their madness because she was now
+above them all. Great rejoicings, with feasting and dancing, continued
+many days. Then at length, with the dowry that her father gave her, they
+returned home.
+
+"Well," said the fifth boy, "had she not been kind and beautiful, such
+good fortune had never come to her lot. And pray what became of her
+hump-backed sister-in-law?" "Indeed I know not." "Why, then," said the
+fifth boy, "I can tell you something of her."
+
+
+    TALE V.
+
+She, perceiving that her sister was so happy in seeking her fortune,
+would needs do the same; so disclosing her mind to her mother, all
+preparations were made; not only rich apparel, but sweetmeats, sugar,
+almonds, etc., in great quantities, and a large bottle of Malaga sack.
+Thus furnished she went the same road as her sister, and coming near the
+cave, there sat the old man, who said, "Young woman, whither, so fast?"
+"What is that to you?" said she. Then said he, "What have you in your
+bag and bottle?" She answered, "Good things, what you shall not be
+troubled with." "Won't you give me some?" said he. "No, not a bit nor a
+drop, unless it would choke you." The old man frowned, saying, "Evil
+fortune attend thee." Going on, she came to the hedge, through which she
+espied a gap, where she thought to pass, but going in the hedge closed,
+and the thorns run into her flesh, so that with great difficulty she got
+out. Being now in a bloody condition, she looks for water to wash
+herself, and looking round she saw a well, and sitting down, one of the
+heads came up to her, saying, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down softly."
+But she banged it with her bottle, saying, "Hang you, take this for your
+washing." So the second and third heads came up, and met with no better
+welcome than the first. Whereupon the heads consulted among themselves
+what evils to plague her with for such usage. The first said, "Let her
+be struck with leprosy in her face." The second said, "Let an additional
+stink be added to her breath." The third bestowed on her a husband,
+though but a poor country cobbler. This done, she goes on till she came
+to a market town, and it being market day, the people smelt a stink,
+and seeing such a mangy face, all fled but a poor cobbler, who not long
+before had mended the shoes of an old hermit, who, having no money, gave
+him a box of ointment for the cure of the leprosy, and a bottle of
+spirits for a stinking breath. Now the cobbler having a mind to do an
+act of charity, was minded to try an experiment; so going up to her,
+asked her who she was? "I am," said she, "the king of Colchester's
+daughter-in-law." "Well," said the cobbler, "if I restore you to your
+natural complexion, and make a sound cure both in face and breath, will
+you in reward take me for a husband?" "Yes, friend," replied she, "with
+all my heart." With this the cobbler applied the remedies, and they
+worked the effect in a few weeks, which being done, they were married.
+After some few days spent in town, they set forward for the court at
+Colchester. At length coming there, and the queen understanding she had
+married nothing but a poor cobbler, fell into distraction, and in wrath
+hanged herself. The death of the queen pleased the king much, who was
+glad he had got rid of her so soon. Having buried her, he gave the
+cobbler one hundred pounds, on condition that he and his lady would quit
+the court. The cobbler received it, and promised he would. Then setting
+up his trade in a remote part of the kingdom, they lived many years, he
+mending shoes, and she spinning thread.
+
+Quoth the sixth boy, "I think for a king's daughter she hath spun a very
+fine thread, but now for my story."
+
+
+    TALE VI.
+
+A tinker in our town had but one daughter, whose name was Tib, and
+because her father would not let her marry a miller's man named Jobson,
+nothing would serve her but she must go and seek her fortune, so over
+hills and mountains, through groves and lonesome woods she passed, till
+at length she met with an old woman, who said unto Tib, "Where are you
+going?" "To seek service," says Tib. "Will you live with me?" replied
+the old woman; "my family is small, myself, my cat, and my dog." Tib
+answered, "With all my heart." So home they went to her cottage, which
+stood by the side of a grove on the bank of a pleasant river. She no
+sooner entered in at the door than she beheld the shelves furnished with
+abundance of earthen ware and glasses. She had not lived long with her
+before Tib had committed a fault, for which the old woman was resolved
+to break every bone in her skin. For that end she put her into a sack,
+and having tied the mouth of the same, she went to the grove to cut a
+stick; but while she was gone, Tib with a penknife opened the sack and
+got out; and put the dog and cat into it, filling it up with pans,
+pipkins, etc., then dragged it to the door, that the old woman might not
+come in to miss them, who, on her return, thinking that Tib had rolled
+thither, began to lay on like fury, when the dog howled, the cat mewed,
+and the pipkins cracked; while the old woman cries out, "Ah! howl if you
+will and be poxed, for before you come out of this sack I'll thrash your
+bones to chaff." Now Tib stood at a distance laughing to see how busy
+she was in destroying her own furniture, then fled for it, and never
+after returned.
+
+"It was well she did," replied the seventh boy, "or else the old woman
+would certainly have been revenged on Tib at last. But now for my story,
+which shall be the last at this meeting."
+
+
+    TALE VII.
+
+A young man having found a purse in which was five pounds, he made a
+proclamation that if anyone would lay any just claim to it to come to
+such a tavern, and they would have it again. To the tavern he went,
+where, in meat and drink, he spent a crown. At last when the young man
+was ready to go the owner came and demanded the purse, which he was
+ready to surrender; but the owner, on knowing a crown was spent, would
+not receive it, unless he made up the whole sum. The young man told him
+he could not; so an officer was sent for, but before he came the youth
+took to his heels, and ran for it with that swiftness, that, an ass
+standing in his way, he took hold of his tail to swing himself by, and
+twitched it off. A little farther he overthrew a woman with a child and
+caused her to fall. At length he was taken and brought before a justice
+by the three sufferers. Having heard their complaints he turned to the
+young man, and said, "Young man, several complaints are here laid
+against you, which I shall clear up. First, keep the money you have
+found, and trade with it till you have improved it so far as to make him
+satisfaction, and then let him have it. You take the ass, and work him
+till a new tail grows, then give him to his owner. And you take the
+woman home, till she is as quite recovered as she was before, and then
+send her home to her husband. So with these determinations he dismissed
+them."
+
+
+    TALE VIII.
+
+In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's End of England, namely the
+county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy farmer, who had one only son,
+commonly known by the name Jack Hornby. He was brisk and of a ready wit,
+so that whatever he could not perform by strength, he completed by
+ingenious wit and policy.
+
+For instance, when he was no more than seven years of age, his father
+sent him into the field to look after his oxen. The laird, by chance
+coming across the field, asked Jack many questions, particularly, "How
+many commands there were?" Jack told him there were nine. The laird
+replied there were ten. "Nay," quoth Jack, "sir, you are out of that; it
+is true there were ten, but you broke one of them when you coveted my
+father's bull." The landlord replied, "Thou art an arch wag, Jack."
+
+"But, sir," says Jack, "can you tell me how many sticks goes to build a
+crow's nest?" "Why," says the landlord, "there are as many goes as are
+sufficient for the size of the nest." "Oho, you are out again, sir,"
+quoth Jack, "there is none goes, they are all carried."
+
+The landlord finding himself so fooled, trudged away, leaving Jack in a
+fit of laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                     THE PENNY
+
+                   BUDGET OF WIT
+
+                       AND
+
+                PACKAGE OF DROLLERY.
+
+                _Scottish Prudence._
+
+
+A parish clerk in the north of England, not long ago, hired a Scotchman
+for his servant, who was to go to the cart and plough, and do other
+occasional jobs when wanted. In the course of conversation at hiring,
+the clerk asked him, if he could submit to the unpleasant business of
+digging graves; to which he exclaimed, "I'll warrant ye, maister, I
+could dig doon the kirk for that matter; but let me see, I hasn't been
+put to that wark yet; aye, our auld bellman at Jedburgh used to say, he
+never had better pay nor better jobs than howking holes for fowk--faith
+he was aye merry when folk dee'd." It happened soon after entering on
+his service, that there was a severe storm of snow, which impeded all
+out-door work. One morning he came to his master, and asked him what
+employment he was to go to that day. The employer hesitated for some
+moments, and at last told him, he could find nothing for him to do.
+Sawney, with great gravity, replied, "I think, maister, I'll awa up to
+the kirkyard an' howk some graves; we may as weel hae a wheen ready, for
+they may come faster in when they ken we are prepared for them."
+
+
+    _Scottish Atmosphere._
+
+An English gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately
+accompanied by wet weather most of the time When he set out from Glasgow
+to Greenock, the morning was very fine. However, before he had proceeded
+half way, he was overtaken by a heavy shower. "Boy," says he to a little
+fellow herding near the road-side, "does it always rain in this
+country!" "Na," replied the boy, "it sometimes snaws."
+
+
+    _Liberty of the Press._
+
+A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers to his family,
+and when expressing the title "Liberty of the Press in France," one of
+his daughters interrupted him by asking what the liberty of the press
+meant? "I'll soon answer that question," said he: "You know when your
+mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, where the
+bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you have access--That's the liberty
+o' the press."
+
+
+    _Donald and the Laird._
+
+A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward; at the first
+English Inn, the room in where they were to sleep contained a bed for
+the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the
+larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook
+the four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the
+tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging below. Finding
+himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know
+how he was accommodated. "Ne'er sae weel a' my life," quoth the gilly.
+"Ha, mon," exclaimed the Laird, "if it wasna for the honour of the
+thing, I could find in my heart to come down."
+
+
+    _How to read a Sign-Board._
+
+A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a sign-board
+above an entry, with the following inscription:--
+
+    Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies,
+          Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of
+                Confectionery Goods
+                sold down this entry,
+                read it as follows:--
+    Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.
+          Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of
+                Confusionery Goods,
+                sold down this entry.
+
+
+    _How to Escape Robbery._
+
+A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between Paisley and
+Greenock on horseback, some time since, had occasion to come off his
+horse, when the reins slipped from among his fingers: the horse finding
+himself at liberty immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed,
+determined to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse. The
+night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till he met with two
+men, whom he accosted with, "Did you see a horse without a rider?" when
+he was immediately collared. He thought it diversion; says he, "That's
+no a way to use a man in the dark;" and endeavouring to shake himself
+clear, when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and firmer
+holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which his deafness
+deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to get clear fruitless, and
+dreading they had nothing in view but an intention to rob him, it
+instantly occurred to him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top
+of his boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulled it
+up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and exclaimed, "If
+you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your brains out in a moment!" They
+jumped over a hedge, and were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man
+called after them, "Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o'
+baith o' you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye dinna
+ken what deadly weapons he carries."
+
+
+    _Daft Will Speirs._
+
+Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay his regular
+daily visit, met his Lordship, who seemed not to notice him. The Earl
+being only on a walk of pleasure through his policies, soon came in
+contact with Will again sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge
+bone. "Ay, ay;" says the Earl, "what this you've got noo, Will." "Ay,
+ay," says Will, "anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed by me awee
+sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me."
+
+
+    _How to find Work._
+
+A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the
+country, took along with him a prentice, when they set to work, and
+continued to work for some days. The gentleman having no conception the
+job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and found the
+apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the
+continuation of them working so long, and inquired what had become of
+his master, to which the boy replied, "He's awa to Glasgow to look for a
+job, and if he got ane, this ane would be done the morn, and if he didna
+get ane, he didna ken when it would be done."
+
+
+    _Will Scott._
+
+A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for his activity in
+the execution of his orders, as well as for taking a bit comfortable
+guzzle when finances would afford it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated
+in a pew behind the bailies at church. Will had not been there long till
+he was soon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated along
+with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin; and in a short
+time the reckoning came a-paying when some of the party insisted it was
+already paid. However, Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true
+to his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of the
+sermon, "No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had just ae
+half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a fardin o't
+pay't."
+
+
+    _Grave-Digger of Sorn._
+
+The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and as mean a sinner
+as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. He was a very querulous
+and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind
+through a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an
+acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked
+how the world was moving with him. "Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly
+indeed," was the answer, "the yard has done nothing ava for us this
+summer,--if you like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this
+sax weeks."
+
+
+    _Scottish Parrot._
+
+A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking itself in the
+sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which happened to be passing over
+it, suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk
+flew with his prey. When passing over a garden Poll observed his old
+friend the gardener, and exclaimed, "I'm ridin' noo, John Laurie." Hawky
+alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when
+after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared
+out with all its might, "Will you bite, you rascal." The hawk terrified
+out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards
+at pleasure.
+
+
+    _The Restless Haggis._
+
+Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow. Babie
+kept a lodging-house for sailors. One Saturday night Babie was making a
+Haggis for Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of
+quick-silver into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will was left
+at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the haggis
+would be out of the pot. Will, faithful to his charge, held the lid on
+the pot until his patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the
+church for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned to her
+two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be
+quiet. At last he bawled out, "Babie, come hame, for I believe the
+de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no bide in the pat; it's out dancing
+on the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have
+been at the kirk as soon's mysel."
+
+
+    _Expense of a Wife._
+
+An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as regards
+food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as some bachelors
+sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the
+propriety of taking a wife. He was very smartly set upon one day, and
+told how snod a wife would keep him, and many other fine things to
+induce him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it would
+be to him, if it was for naething else but to make his parritch in the
+morning. Says he, "I dinna doubt but she wad mak my parritch, but the
+plague is, she wad be fair to sup the hauf o' them."
+
+
+    _An Honest M'Gregor._
+
+Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter (alias sheep-stealer), in the
+north Highlands, being at last overtaken by the grim tyrant of the human
+race, was visited by the minister of the parish, whose appearance,
+however, was by no means agreeable to Donald. The holy man warmly
+exhorted the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and black
+catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise he would have a
+tremendous account to give at the great day of retribution, when all the
+crimes he had committed in this world would appear in dreadful array, as
+evidence of his guilt. "Och! sir," cries the dying man, "an' will a' the
+sheeps an' the cows, an' ilka thing Tonal has helped hersel to, be
+there?" "Undoubtedly," replied the parson. "Then let ilka shentleman tak
+her nain, an' Tonal will be an honest man again."
+
+
+    _Negro and the Musquito._
+
+A West Indian who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in
+his chair, a negro boy who was waiting, observed a musquito hovering
+round his face. Quasi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw
+him alight on his master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah! bless
+your heart," exclaimed the negro, "me right glad see you burn your
+foot."
+
+
+    _A Brush for the Barber._
+
+A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow a few
+days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and after
+having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Twopence," said the
+Highlander. "No, no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny, if that
+does not satisfy you take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and
+asked what he had got to pay? "A penny," said strap. "I'll gie you a
+bawbee," said Duncan, "an' if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard
+again."
+
+
+    _The Kellochsyde Grace._
+
+The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer of
+Kellochsyde, or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:--"O Lord, we'r ay gangan, an
+we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be coman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We
+leive in the gude mailen o' Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale,
+puir sinfou sons of evil that we are. Monie mercies we receive gude
+trowth; and we're little thankfou for them, gude feth Janet, rax by the
+spunes, and a' praise and glory sall be thine. Amen."
+
+
+    _New Method of Teaching Music._
+
+A Highland piper having a scholar to teach, disdained to crack his mind
+with the names of semibreves, minims, crotchets, and quivers--"Here,
+Donald," said he, "tak your pipies, lad, and gi's a blast--so, very weel
+blaun indeed; but what is sound Donald without sense?--ye may blaw for
+ever, without makin' a tune o't, if I dinna tell you how thae queer
+things on the paper maun help you--you see that big fellow wi' a round
+open face (pointing to a semibreve between the two lines of the bar), he
+moves slowly, slowly, from that line to this, while you beat ane wi'
+your fit, and gi'e a blast: if now ye put a leg to him, ye mak' twa o'
+him and he'll move twice as fast; gif ye black his face, he'll rin four
+times faster than the fallow wi' the white face; but if, after blackin'
+his face, ye'll bend his knee, or tie his legs, he'll trop eight times
+faster than the white faced chap that I showed you first. Now, whene'er
+you blaw your pipes, Donald, remember this, the tighter the fallow's
+legs are tied, the faster they will rin, and the quicker they are sure
+to dance."
+
+
+    _Long-Winded Preacher._
+
+A Parson in the country taking his text in St. Matthew, chapter viii.
+verse 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for
+three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after two fellows going
+across the churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other
+who it was for. "Nay I can't tell; perhaps," replied he, "it's for
+Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three
+weeks."
+
+
+    _Distinction of Sons and Daughters._
+
+About the year thretty-sax, a company differed "Whether it was better
+for a man to ha'e sons or dochters." They could not 'gree, but disputed
+it _pro_ and _con_. At last one of them said to Graham of Kinross (wha
+hadna yoked wi' them in the argument), "Laird, what's your opinion?"
+Quo' he, "I had three lads and three lassies; I watna whilk o' them I
+liked best say lang as they sucket their mither; but de'll ha'e my share
+o' the callants when they cam to suck their father."
+
+
+    _Patrimony and Matrimony._
+
+At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman asked one of the
+scholars by what name they called property that descended from a father?
+"Patrimony," answered the scholar; "And what do you call it when
+descended from a mother?" "Matrimony," was the reply.
+
+
+    _An Officer's Wife._
+
+One of the town's officers of Ayr was struck severely by accident on the
+head by his wife. After the fray was adjusted, the wife said to her
+husband, "Henry, had I killed you, and I been hanged for it, would you
+marry Kate M'Lauchlan?"
+
+
+    _Highlander and Parrot._
+
+An honest Highlander walking along Holborn, heard a cry, "Rogue Scot,
+Rogue Scot." His northern blood fired at the insult, drew his broad
+sword, looking round him on every side to discover the object of
+indignation. At last he found it came from a parrot, perched on a
+balcony within his reach, but the generous Scot disdaining to stain his
+trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a
+sour smile, saying, "Gin ye were a man, as ye're a green geese, I would
+split your weem."
+
+
+    _An Irishman._
+
+An Irishman one day was walking on the streets of Belfast, found a light
+guinea, and got 18s. for it. Next day he was walking, and sees another,
+and says, "Allelieu, dear honey, I'll have nothing to do with you, for I
+lost 3s. by your brother yesterday."
+
+
+    _Captain Silk._
+
+In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had
+arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, "What a name for a
+soldier!" "The fittest name in the world," replied a witty female, "for
+Silk can never be Worsted."
+
+
+    _A Clever Son._
+
+A Farmer's son, who had been some time at the university, came home to
+visit his father and mother; and being one night with the old folks at
+supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by the rules of logic
+and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls to be three. "Well, let
+us hear," said the old man. "Why, this," said the scholar, "is one and
+this," continued he, "is two; two and one, you know, make three." "Since
+you ha'e made it out sae weel," answered the old man, "your mother shall
+ha'e the first fowl, I'll ha'e the second, and the third you may keep to
+yoursel."
+
+
+    _Breaking the Commandments._
+
+A Clergyman who wished to know whether the children of the parishioners
+understood their Bibles, asked a lad that he one day found reading the
+Old Testament, who was the wickedest man? "Moses, to be sure," said the
+boy. "Moses!" exclaimed the parson, "how can that be?" "Why," said the
+lad, "because he broke all the commandments at once."
+
+
+    _Not Lost but Drowned._
+
+A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, came to the ford
+of a dark river, at the side of which a boy was diverting himself. The
+traveller addressed him as follows:--"Is this water deep?" "Ay, gaen
+deep," answered the boy. "Is there ever any person lost here?" "No,"
+replied the boy, "there was never any lost; there has been some drowned,
+but we aye get them again."
+
+
+    _A Just Remark._
+
+A certain son of St. Crispian, who resides in Paisley, lifting up his
+four cornered hat the other morning in a hurry, found it filled with his
+wife's fal-de-ral-lals; in a fit of wrath he exclaimed "Gudesake, Janet,
+what the de'il gars you stap a' the trash in the house intil a body's
+hat." "Trash, indeed!" exclaimed the indignant spouse, "stap it on your
+ain head, and the biggest trash in the house'll be in't."
+
+
+    _Scotchman and Irishman._
+
+A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn together. The
+weather being rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of
+the bed. A traveller, in passing the room door, saw him in this
+situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon
+Sawney's heel; who drawing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his
+companion, that he exclaimed, "Arrah, honey, have a care of your great
+toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv." The Scotchman
+being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by
+other companies, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his patience being
+quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney, who, not a little surprised
+at finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, "De'il tak' the daft
+chiel of a hostler, he's ta'en my boots aff last night and left on the
+spur."
+
+
+    _Charity._
+
+A person who resides in the ancient town of Kilwinning, was proverbial
+for his liberality in meat and drink to friends and acquaintances.
+Strangers, too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of
+kindness. Lately while feasting nearly a dozen of random visitors on
+"Pat Luck," a beggar called at the door soliciting charity, when he very
+good humouredly called out, "I canna help you the day, I ha'e plenty o'
+your kin' here already."
+
+
+
+
+    _Shooting the Devil._
+
+
+A Scotch parson preaching upon these words, "Resist the devil, and he
+will fly from you," began thus:--"My beloved, you are all here to-day,
+but wot ye who is among ye, even the meikle horned devil. You cannot see
+him, but by the eye of faith I see him. But some of you say, what will
+we do with him now we have him here? How shall we destroy him? We will
+hang him. Alas, my beloved, there are not so many tows in the parish as
+will hang him, he is as light as a feather. Then some of you will say we
+will drown him. Humph, my beloved, there is owre muckle cork in his leg,
+he's as souple as an eel, he will not sink. Others of you will say, we
+will burn him. Na, na, sirs, you may scald yourselves, but you canna
+burn him, for a' the fire in Hades could never yet singe a hair o' his
+tail. Now, sirs, ye canna find a way among you all to kill him, but I
+will find it. What way will this be, sirs? We will even shoot him.
+Wherewith shall we shoot him? We shall shoot him with the Bible. Now,
+sirs, I shall shoot him presently." So, presenting the Bible, as
+soldiers do their muskets, he cries out, "Toot! toot! toot! Now he is
+shot. There lies the foul thief as dead as a herring."
+
+
+
+
+    _Long Credit._
+
+
+Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through
+the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm house of Swanston, near the
+Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They
+immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon finding a web of
+coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as
+they thought would make a coat to each. The woman was exceedingly
+incensed at their rapacity, roared and cried, and even had the hardihood
+to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried,
+"ye'll ha'e to account for this yet." "And when will we pe account
+for't?" asked one of the Highlanders. "At the last day, ye blackguards!"
+exclaimed the woman. "Ta last day," replied the Highlander; "Tat be coot
+lang chredit-we'll e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time
+cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.
+
+
+
+
+    _Bird's Nest._
+
+
+The mother of a respectable grocer in a town in the west, called her son
+to her, while on her death bed, and declared to him that his reputed
+father was not really his father; but that such a one (naming him)
+really was his father; and that the deed was done one night when
+travelling from Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head. This story got
+wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine source of
+amusement for some time. One day a boy vulgarly named the "Linty," went
+into the said grocer's shop to purchase some article, when he was
+assailed with "Weel Linty, whar is'tu gaun to big thy nest the year?"
+The boy replied, "I was thinkin' to big it doon about the
+Clun-Brae-Head."
+
+
+
+
+    _Elder's Hours._
+
+
+A cunning carle invested with the semi-sacred office of "Ruling Elder,"
+or practically seemingly identified with that office, in order to
+gratify an inclination, scratched wi' the neb o' a fork the figure 10 on
+the one side of his outer door, and figure 11 on the other; by which
+plan he was able to say wi' "a good conscience," at a' times, and on a'
+occasions, that he came aye hame atween ten and eleven.
+
+
+
+
+    _The Thistle._
+
+
+A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, an Englishman
+took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty
+boast of its motto, "Nemo me impune lacessit," when a Scotchman present
+observed, "The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scotish nation, but it
+is nothing in the mouth of an ass."
+
+
+
+
+    _Cold Gentleman._
+
+
+In the west of Scotland, some time ago, there happened to be an auction
+of books. A book-buyer who attended the sale, was summoned by his son to
+supper, according to the directions of his mother. The boy flurried by
+the presence of the audience, and in his attempt to be as explicit
+as possible, thus cried out, "Fayther, yer parritch is ready." "Very well,
+my dear," said the father, and at the door gave him a salute _a
+posteriori_, which was repeated with the following injunction--"Recollect
+rascal, when you come again, to say _a gentleman_ wants me." Next evening
+up comes the boy according to direction. "Is my Fayther here?" "Yes,"
+said the father. "_A gentleman_ wants ye." "Very well, my man," was
+repeated by the boy's parent; but little time elapsed when the boy
+returned; "What now, my man," said the old book worm. "Oh naething,"
+said his son, "but gin ye dinna rin fast _the gentleman_ will
+be quite cauld."
+
+
+
+
+    _Dougal Graham._
+
+
+Dougal Graham, author of the well-known metrical history of the
+rebellion in 1745, being candidate for the place of town bellman in the
+City of Glasgow, was desired to call "Gude fresh herrings new come in at
+the Broomielaw." It not being the season for herrings, Dougal added,
+
+"But, indeed, my friends, it's a blaeflum,
+
+"For the herrings no catch'd, and the boats no come," which procured for
+Dougal the situation.
+
+Dougal was a kind of Scotch AEsop, he had a large humph on one of his
+shoulders, and like his patrotype had wit. Calling in the street of the
+Gallowgate, opposite the Saracen's Head Inn, where several officers of
+the gallant 42d regiment were dining, at the close of the American war,
+some of whom knew Dougal before they went abroad, opening the window,
+called out, "What's that you've got on your back, Dougal?" Knowing what
+the regiment suffered at Bunker's Hill, Dougal replied, "It's _Bunker's
+Hill_; do you choose to mount?"
+
+
+
+
+    _A New Way to Wauken Sleepers in Church._
+
+
+Mr. Ogilvie, minister of the parish of Lunan in the county of Forfar,
+had a great deal of eccentricity in his composition. One Sunday an old
+woman, who kept a public-house in the parish, with whom Mr. Ogilvie was
+well acquainted, fell asleep in the church during sermon--not an
+uncommon occurrence. Her neighbour kept jogging in order to awake her.
+Mr. Ogilvie observing this, cried out, "Let her alane, I'll wauken her
+mysel', I'll warrant ye." "Phew! Phew! (_whistling_) a bottle o' ale and
+a dram, Janet." "Comin', sir," was instantly replied. "There now," says
+the minister, "I tald ye it wadna be lang afore I waken'd her."
+
+
+
+
+    _Sage Instruction._
+
+
+A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of Perthshire,
+whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire out of the house.
+Janet says to him--"Oh! you be gang awa', Duncan, gang awa'!" The man,
+however, kept loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with
+something of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, "You speak
+a me, Shanet! you speak a me." The wife asks, "What you say, Duncan?"
+"Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!"
+"What for Duncan?" "Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet, an' tell _him to make
+her a laddie_."
+
+
+
+
+    _The Purse and the Penny Siller._
+
+
+Three young Highlanders, some years ago, set out from their native
+hills, to seek a livelihood amongst their countrymen in the Lowlands.
+They had hardly learned any English. One of them could say, "We three
+Highlandmen;" the second, "For the purse and the penny siller;" and the
+third had properly learned, "And our just right too;" intending thus to
+explain the motives o' their journey. They trudged along, when, in a
+lonely glen, they saw the body of a man who had been recently murdered.
+The Highlanders stopped to deplore the fate of the unhappy mortal, when
+a gentleman with his servant came up to the spot. "Who murdered this
+poor man?" said the gentleman, "We three Highlandmen," answered the
+eldest of the brothers (thinking the gentleman inquired who they were).
+"What could induce you to commit so horrid a crime?" continued the
+gentleman. "The Purse and the Penny Siller," replied the second of the
+travellers. "You shall be hanged, you miscreants!" "And our just right
+too," returned the third. The poor men were thus brought to the gallows
+on their own evidence, and presumption of guilt.
+
+
+
+
+    _Lump of Old Wood._
+
+
+An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three-footed stool in
+the gallery of the old Church of Falkirk, during divine service happened
+to fall asleep, tumbled on the floor with a great noise. The preacher
+stopped and demanded the reason of the noise. "Nothing, sir," cries a
+wag, "but a lump of Old Wood fallen down."
+
+
+
+
+    _The Great Want._
+
+
+A female pauper lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the
+elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d. Some
+one of the grave quorum inquired what made her so urgent on this
+occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals, shoes, etc. To this
+she replied, "Why, deed, sirs, it's just to buy a pair o' corsets to my
+daughter Tibbie, ilk lass that's ocht respectable has them but hersel',
+so ye see she canna do wantin them, an' ye maun e'en let me ha't sirs."
+
+
+
+
+    _The Devil Defined._
+
+
+The Rev. Mr. Shirra, burgher minister in Kirkcaldy, once gave the
+following curious definition of the devil:--"The devil, my brethren, is
+ill ony way ye'll tak him. Tak' the D from his name, he's _evil_; tak'
+the E from his name, he's _vil_; tak' the V from his name, he's _il_;"
+then shrugging up his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout,
+he said with peculiar emphasis, "He's naething but an _il_, _vil_,
+_evil_, Devil, ony way ye'll tak' him!"
+
+
+
+
+    _Mark me Well._
+
+
+A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately met a boy going with a
+pot of tar to mark his master's sheep, asked the road to Banff, but was
+directing by so many turnings, right and left, that he agreed to take
+the boy behind him on the horse as he was going near to the same place.
+Finding the boy pert and docile, he gave him some wholesome advice
+relative to his future conduct, adding occasionally, "Mark me well, my
+boy." "Yes, sir, I do." He repeated the injunction so often, that the
+boy at last cried out, "Sir, I have no more tar!"
+
+
+
+
+    _Death of a Watch._
+
+
+After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed
+extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer, who had been
+killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye, which the man taking
+notice of said to him, "Tamn you gapin' greedy bitch, gang and shoot a
+shentleman for hersel', an' no envie me o' my pit watch."
+
+Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his comrade, says
+to him, "Och! she no be care muckle about a watch, an' you be like mine,
+what will ye gi'e me for her?" The other replied, "I be venture a
+kinny." "Weel then," said the other, "Shust tak her, an' welcome, for
+she be die yester night."
+
+
+
+
+    _Our Lawful Sovereign._
+
+
+An English Officer Dining With Lord Saltoon Some Years After the Battle
+of Culloden, his Lordship was adverting to the strong attachment
+manifested by the generality of Buchan to the unfortunate house of
+Stuart, and particularly remarked the devoted loyalty of his gardener,
+whom no bribe or entreaty could in the smallest degree influence. "I'll
+bet 50 guineas," said the Englishman, "that I shall make him drink the
+health of King George." "Done!" replied his Lordship. The honest
+gardener was called in. The officer began by praising his fidelity and
+loyalty to his prince; pressed him to drink some glasses of wine; and
+when he thought him a little off his guard from the effects of the
+generous liquor, he began thus:--"Now, my friend, I know you are a good
+Christian and wish well to every human being; you can certainly have no
+objection to drink the health of King George? Come, my worthy fellow, a
+bumper to the health of his Majesty." "Here's to the health of our
+_lawful_ Sovereign," said the gardener. "Bless you, sir," cried the
+officer, "That's not King George?" "I am very much of your opinion,"
+replied the man, making a profound bow and retiring.
+
+
+
+
+    _Down the Rotten Row._
+
+
+A few years ago, when resurrectionists throughout the country were
+become very common, a person of respectability was interred in the High
+Church burying ground of Glasgow. The relatives who were persons of
+property, hired a few hungry weavers, who generally at that time were
+_atomies_ ready made, to watch the grave of their deceased relative;
+these, as they were one night on duty, perceived some persons enter, the
+churchyard; they kept snug till such time as they could learn the object
+of their visit. It was not long before the intruders opened a grave,
+took out the corpse, put it into a sack and left it at the grave, and
+went in search of something else. One of the weavers, a droll fellow,
+said to his comrade, "Take out the corpse, and I'll go into the sack,
+but do you observe the proceedings." In a little time the resurrection
+men returned, and one of them getting the sack upon his back marched
+off. When they got to the street, the one says to the other, "Which way
+will we take?" When the weaver putting out his hand and gripping the
+fellow who was carrying him, by the hair, bawled out, "Down the Rotten
+Raw, ye beggar." He was soon set down, and the man who carried him went
+mad of the fright.
+
+
+
+
+    _Resurrection Men._
+
+
+Some years ago, a poor boy, whose mother was buried in the churchyard of
+Falkirk, used frequently to sit on her grave, and when destitute of
+other accommodation, would crawl in below one of the gravestones, and
+slept there for the night. On one of these occasions, the boy was roused
+from his sleep by the noise of some voices in the churchyard. This was
+nothing more than a couple of resurrection men who had come on purpose
+to begin that great work rather prematurely; and as those who are raised
+before their due time cannot be supposed capable of standing on their
+legs, they had provided themselves with a horse to gi'e them a lift.
+They were then disputing about how they could secure the beast, while
+they were raising the corpse. The lad hearing this, and creeping out of
+his hole, cries, "I'll haud him," expecting some remuneration no doubt.
+The fellows seeing a resurrection commencing from under a stone, and
+hearing the offer of holding the horse, scampered off and left the
+animal, with a couple of sacks; and although the horse and sacks were
+advertised, they were never claimed, but sold for the benefit of the
+boy, which procured him better lodging than beneath a grave stone.
+
+
+
+
+    _March of Intellect._
+
+
+Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyle Street,
+Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, "No dogs to enter here." "No dogs
+to enter here!" exclaimed one of them, "I'm sure there's no use for that
+there." "What way, Jock," replied the other. "'Cause dogs canna read
+signs," said he. "Ha, ha, Jock, ye're maybe wrang, I'se warran ye gentle
+folks' dogs 'ill ken't brawly, for there's schools, noo, whar they learn
+the dumb baith to read and speak."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                    MERRY CONCEITS
+
+                         OF
+
+                      TOM LONG
+
+                    THE CARRIER
+
+    Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which
+               he observed in his Travels.
+
+    _Full of Honest Mirth and Delight._
+
+
+    Of all the Toms that ever yet was named,
+    Was ever any Tom like Tom Long framed?
+    Tom Tram, who now as many mad pranks shows,
+    Unto Tom Long will prove a mere goose.
+
+    Tom Thumb is dumb, until the pudding creep,
+    In which he was entomb'd, then out doth peep;
+    Tom Fool may go to school, but ne'er be taught,
+    Such rare conceits with which Tom Long is fraught.
+
+    Tom Ass may pass, but only for his ears,
+    No such rich jewels as our Tom Long he wears;
+    Tom Tell-truth is but froth, but truth to tell,
+    From all these Toms, Tom Long doth bear the bell.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _How Tom Long at first set up the trade of being a Carrier,
+                and where he took up his Lodging._
+
+
+Tom Long, the subject of this discourse, having spent some few years
+like a wandering Jew, oft visiting the coasts of Essex and Kent, where
+he did many notable exploits, sometimes cheating the calves-heads of
+their money, by the virtue of hocus pocus, having learned the art of
+legerdemain. Other times he used, as opportunity served, to rob the
+hen-roost. At last, his cheating tricks were so well known, that the
+country kicked him out like a knave as he was, and he was willing to be
+gone as they to be rid of him, soon gave them three slips for a teaster,
+and travelled towards Gotham, where he, well knowing what wit those wise
+men had in their noddles, took up his abode near the place where the men
+made a hedge to keep in the cuckoo all the year. Not long after, he set
+up his trade of being a carrier; under pretence of which he with ease
+played his pranks, and the wisdom of these men was such, that he cheated
+them of all, and yet the fools had no mistrust of him. And having set
+him up, he found great store of small doings, and above all others, the
+men of Gotham and Dunstable would employ him; who, being more knave than
+fool, ever advised some cheating trick or other to gull those idiots;
+for let him go out ever so full, he would be sure to come home empty,
+telling them one mischance or other had befallen him. He took up his
+lodging at the sign of the Whip and Egg-Shell in Thieving Lane, not far
+from Charing Cross, where Dunstable men are sure to find him; if not,
+they may go into Turn-again Lane, and come back again as wise as they
+went in.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man upon
+             the way, with what happened to them,
+           and how they were entertained by an Hostess._
+
+
+Tom Long being newly set up a carrier, as he was travelling he happened
+to take up a young lad, who had straggled from his parents to play the
+truant, which Tom perceiving, entertained him into his service; but they
+had not gone far before their stomachs were up, so they resolved at the
+next place to take a bit, where, as soon as they came, they demanded
+what was for to eat. The hostess, being one of Seldom Cleanly's
+daughters, said there was nothing but eggs, of which, she said, she
+would make them a froize; and seeing them to come in, in a full breast
+and an empty stomach, she (like a slut as she was) resolved to give them
+their bellies full before they went; and so, with some three or four
+good eggs, she mixed as many bad ones, some addle and rotten, and others
+ready for to hatch; and having set them down at a certain wash block,
+which served instead of a table, she set before them as good a froize as
+any woman possibly could make of coarse materials, making her sauce
+alike suitable, being nothing else but kitchen stuff melted a
+little--oil as good as ever was burned. Tom and the young man fell
+presently to it, with stomachs as greedy as hogs, swallowing down all by
+wholesale, tag-rag and long-tail, without any chewing, although they
+conceited something cracking in their teeth like young bones. Yet
+hunger, which is the best sauce, made every morsel sweet, although it
+had but an ill going down with it, and worse troubled their patience
+afterwards, for they had no sooner eaten of it, but like squeezy
+stomachs they began to cast backwards and forwards; and being in this
+pitiful pickle, they called for their hostess, who, thinking to receive
+her reckoning, was paid in her own coin; for, having some of their
+froize left, Tom furiously cast it on her face, which stuck as fast as
+a plaister to the wall, insomuch that for a while she lost her eyesight;
+which being done, Tom departed without paying anything for his dinner.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Tom and his Young Man discoursed of their Dinner,
+         and how they resolved to mend the matter at night,
+                but met with as bad Entertainment._
+
+
+Tom and his man being now on their way, began to discourse of their
+dinner, and how prettily they served their hostess; but still conceited
+that they heard these young chickens which they had eaten in their
+froize cry, "Peep, peep, peep," and having cast up all again, their
+bellies began to cry "Cupboard," whereupon Tom, to comfort his young
+man, told him they would be sure to have a good host at night, and good
+fare to. But "like to like," quoth the devil to the collier, out of the
+frying-pan into the fire; for their new host proved not only a knave,
+but a thief, and instead of dainty veal, provided for them part of a
+young colt, which, being foaled before its time, ate very tenderly; and
+going to supper, the host, like a flattering knave, told them he would
+feast them bravely; and they, not mistrusting anything, fed most
+courageously, having for to please their pallets several kinds of dishes
+made thereof, the host still crying, "You are welcome, gentlemen,"--all
+which they swallowed down as greedily as the lawyer his fee. And having
+filled their ungodly guts with this supposed good cheer, they hastened
+to bed, where the fleas fed as fast on their corpse as they had done
+upon this new found veal, insomuch that they looked as if they had the
+smallpox. In the morning (thinking to have breakfast of the same) they
+missed their coats and other things, which their host had thievishly
+deprived them of. So, searching the house about, they found hanging in a
+corner some pieces of flesh, which they supposed to be part of the veal
+they had eaten of; but by the ears of the skin which hanged by, they saw
+plainly it was an ass, and that they were once more made fools of;
+whereupon Tom caused his host to be apprehended, who was committed to
+prison about their goods, where Tom left him and departed.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Tom relates how a certain counterfeit Merchant cheated
+         divers Gentlemen of very great sums of Money._
+
+
+In the North of England arrived a pretended merchant, but, indeed, a
+very cheating knave, who, residing there a while, came to be greatly
+acquainted with divers gentlemen, who, looking on him as one of great
+account, at last he received several great sums of money which he was to
+pay at London, upon the receipt of which he gave every man a bill of
+exchange, receiving of some twenty pounds, some thirty, some forty,
+fifty, some a hundred pounds; and, having pretty well feathered his
+nest, leaving those gentlemen to receive their money where they could
+get it, he departed beyond sea; and when the gentlemen came to receive
+their money, they could neither find nor hear of their merchant: whereat
+they were very much vexed, as well as they might be, to see how they
+were cheated of their money. But their hopes are that they shall have it
+brought them again by Tom Long the Carrier.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Of the great request that Tom Long was in, and how the
+            wise Mayor of Huntingdon seized on Tom's
+                   ragged Colt for a Sturgeon._
+
+
+Tom Long having been a carrier for many years, grew in great request,
+and though he was not very well beloved, yet he was sure to have many
+customers that he got carriage of, especially the country farmers, who
+often used to send tokens by him to their friends, as gammons of bacon,
+collars of brawn, pies, and other good things, and now and then small
+pieces of silver from Dunstable men: all which Tom ever made use of
+himself, though they perceived it not; for by reason they sent by Tom
+Long the Carrier, they could never receive any answer about what he
+brought. Also, all the broken shopkeepers and decayed gentlemen sent
+their creditors' debts by Tom Long the Carrier.
+
+But it happened that, as Tom was going to London, he chanced to be at
+Huntingdon, where, putting his horses to grass, amongst which he had a
+young ragged colt,--this colt having straggled down into the river,
+certain wise men of the town coming by, that had been at Gotham, thought
+it had been a sturgeon, and thereupon acquainted the Right Wisdom-Fool
+the Mayor of it, who assembled together his wise brethren, made a very
+wise speech to them, and acquainted them therewith, who very unanimously
+accompanied his foolship; and, after a deep consultation, they all
+agreed to seize the poor colt for a sturgeon; but carrying it with great
+triumph into the town, the inhabitants, who were wiser than the rest,
+exceedingly laughed them to scorn for their great folly. And so Tom,
+promising the Mayor to bring him a piece of sturgeon at his return, he
+had his colt again.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _A Story of the Seven Sleepers, who slept above three
+           hundred years, and not yet awakened._
+
+
+In a great city there lived several men who for their religion were
+forced to fly for their lives, and not far from the city was an ancient
+cave under a hill, in which these men entered to secure and refresh
+themselves; but their persecutors, hearing where they were, stopped up
+the mouth of the cave, intending to famish them therein; and they, not
+knowing what was done, so soon as they had refreshed their bodies with
+victuals, laid themselves down to sleep, and so continued sleeping very
+sound a long season, until such time as in after ages a shepherd,
+intending to make himself a harbour, set divers masons to work to dig in
+this cave, who, with the noise, awakened the men who had been asleep so
+long therein. The cave being opened, they, thinking it to be day, and
+had slept but one night, sent one of their company privately into the
+city for food, for in all this time they had eaten nothing, and well
+they might be hungry; so, coming to the town; he found all things
+altered, the inhabitants being other kind of people, as he supposed,
+than he left the night before. So going to buy some bread, the people
+refused to take his money, saying they knew not the coin, at which he
+greatly marvelled. But inquiring further, he found that since their
+being there three generations had been dead and gone, and a fourth in
+being; and by computation of time, it appeared they had slept above
+three hundred years, and lay all this time in their clothes, which were
+no whit decayed, whereat the people all wondered; and Tom Long the
+Carrier, staying all the time they slept to see when they would awake,
+at last brought the news with him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Tom Long the Carrier sold his Horse for the Skin,
+         supposing him to be dead; and how a crafty
+      fellow coming by knew what the Horse ailed, and so
+                        bought him._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, travelling on the road, chances to put his horse
+in a field that was overgrown with hemlock, which Tom's horse, having
+had no meat all day, ate so greedily on, that it cast him into so sound
+a sleep that Tom thought he had been dead. Being thus sorely crossed, as
+he supposed, he began to flay his skin off to sell, whereupon a crafty
+fellow coming by that way, well knew what the horse ailed, bought him
+for the price of the skin, and paid Tom the money. He departed,
+appointing to fetch the horse the very next morning. And when he came on
+the morrow, the horse was awakened out of his sleep, and got upon his
+legs again; which, when Tom perceived, he was sorely vexed at his
+foolish bargain; but his chapman laughed him to scorn for his folly, and
+so departed with his horse.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Tom, Long the Carrier converted all his Carriage to
+     his own use, and thereby recruited himself with another
+       Horse, and of a sad mischance that befel his Horse._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, seeing himself thus fooled out of his horse,
+resolved not to bear all the loss himself, and so converted all his
+carriage into money, and returning home, pretended he had been robbed of
+his horse and all his carriage. Not long after, Tom being willing to set
+up again, purchased with his money a new horse; but ill-gotten goods
+seldom thrive. So Tom, having a horse again, received divers things to
+carry from divers places, especially from the wise men of Gotham, who
+were the best customers Tom Long the Carrier had. But being on his way
+not far from his inn, he chanced to spy a fine plot of grass under a
+hedge in a corn field, under which Tom, to save charges, secretly
+conveyed his mare, tying her to the hedge with a cord, and so left her.
+But the mare, like an unruly jade, not being willing to be confined in
+so narrow a compass, was minded to see what fare was on the other side
+of the hedge, and foolishly venturing to leap over, very unfortunately
+hanged herself, whose untimely death had then nigh broke the heart of
+poor Tom Long; and his grief was the more by reason she died without any
+visitation.
+
+    Tom nine ways looks, and needs must vexed be;
+    Now bought wit's best, Tom Long doth plainly see.
+    Tom tells he's robbed, and counteth all his losses,
+    And is in hopes he shall have no more crosses.
+    "Come, lads, all's gone," Tom takes his comfort then;
+    He will be repaid by other men.
+    Now many men do Tom Long dispraise,
+    Saying, "He has small conscience in his ways,
+    But sure I'll lay no such fault to his charge;
+    I rather think his conscience was too large."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How Tom Long the Carrier was assaulted by a Dog, and
+        how valiantly he defended himself, and killed him._
+
+
+As Tom Long the Carrier was travelling between Dover and Westchester, he
+fortuned to pass something near a house, where was kept a great mastiff
+dog, who, as soon as he had espied Tom, came running open mouthed at
+him, and so furiously assaulted him, as if he meant to devour him at a
+bite. But Tom, having in his hand a good pikestaff, most valiantly
+defended himself like a man, and to withstand the danger, he thrust the
+pike-end of his staff into his throat, and so killed him. Whereupon the
+owner thereof, seeing his dog lost, comes earnestly unto Tom, and
+between threatening and chiding, asking him why he struck him not with
+the great end of the staff? "Marry," quoth he, "because your dog runs
+not at me with his tail."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _Of a merry conceited Jest brought to Town by Tom._
+
+
+A certain king kept a fool to be his jester, whose manner was to set
+down in a note-book, which he kept for that purpose, all the follies
+that he saw committed in or about the court, or at least write so many
+as he discovered. So, upon a time, a certain Italian horse-courser
+arrived at the court who professed great skill in horsemanship, and it
+being declared unto the king, he presently sent him with three thousand
+pounds to buy horses in a far country, which this fool hearing of, put
+down in his note-book among the rest. When the king heard that, he was
+much offended, and would needs know of Jack Lackwit why he had set him
+down in his note. "Because," quoth the fool, "I think he will come no
+more to you." "But what if he does come again?" said the king. "Why,
+then," said the fool, "I will take you out and put him in."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Of the Hard Lodging which Tom Long the Carrier found on
+       the Ground, having under him but one Poor Feather._
+
+
+Tom Long, by reason of the great loss of his horses, became very poor,
+and so turned foot-post; and being in a wearisome condition, he was
+forced, having not coin to pay for better, to take up his lodging on the
+ground, where, tumbling and tossing, he could hardly rest all night; and
+stirring himself betimes in the morning, he espied under him one
+feather. "Now," quoth Tom, "I see what was the cause of my trouble that
+I could not sleep all the night. I wonder, seeing I found such hard
+lodging upon one feather, how they do that lie upon thousands."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _How Tom Long cozened two Shoemakers out of a
+                   pair of Shoes._
+
+
+Tom Long being now a foot-post, with hard travelling had worn his shoes
+so very thin that he was in great danger to lose soles and all;
+whereupon Tom came to refresh himself, after which he sent for a
+shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes.
+
+Now Tom, having no coin left, resolved to try his wits; so drawing on
+one of the shoes, he said it fitted well; but drawing on the other, he
+complained that it pinched his foot and was too low in the instep;
+whereupon he desired the shoemaker to take that shoe home and let it
+stand in the last for an hour or two, and he would stay so long. As soon
+as he was gone Tom pulled off the other shoe, and sent for another
+shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes, which he did; so, drawing on one
+of them on the other foot, he said it pinched him likewise, and so
+wished him also to take that shoe home, and let it stand for an hour on
+the last, and then come again. But the shoemakers saw the last of their
+shoes, for when they came again Tom Long was gone, leaving these verses
+behind them:--
+
+    "Whom seek ye, sirs--Tom Long? Oh, fie upon
+    Your tediousness, he's long since gone;
+    He went a good while since, no question store
+    Are glad, who vex'd he did not go before;
+    And some are griev'd he went so soon away,
+    The reason was, he could no longer stay;
+    Nor is it a wonder that he thus is gone,
+    Since all men know he long was drawing on."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _Witty Conceits of Tom Long the Carrier._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, upon a time, asked a merry conceited fellow which
+was the best husband for a young wench to marry. "Marry," quoth the
+fellow, "an old man, for then he shall be sure to be proud of her."
+Another standing by asked Tom Long the Carrier what trade he thought to
+be best? "Marry," quoth Tom, "a cut-purse; for he hath no sooner done
+his work but he hath his money in his hand."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIV.
+
+    _The Conclusion of the Merry Conceits of Tom Long
+                       the Carrier._
+
+    Tom Long the Carrier coming to an inn,
+    Asked the maid what meat there was within?
+    "Cow-heels," said she, "and a fine breast of mutton."
+    "Then," said Tom, "since that I am no glutton,
+    Either or both shall serve--to-night the breast,
+    The heels in the morning, when light meat is best."
+    At night he took the breast, and did not pay,
+    And in the morning took his heels and ran away.
+    When the worst is past, all things begin to mend,
+    And here the brave story of Tom Long doth end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                      STORY OF
+
+                     BLUE BEARD
+
+                       OR THE
+
+             EFFECTS OF FEMALE CURIOSITY.
+
+
+There was, some time ago, a gentleman who was extremely rich. He had
+elegant town and country houses; his dishes and plates were of gold and
+silver; his rooms were hung with damask; his chairs and sofas were
+covered with the richest silks, and his carriages were all magnificently
+gilt with gold.
+
+But, unfortunately, this gentleman had a blue beard, which made him so
+very frightful and ugly that none of the ladies in the neighbourhood
+would venture to go into his company.
+
+It happened that a lady of quality, who lived very near him, had two
+daughters, who were both extremely beautiful. Blue Beard asked her to
+bestow one of them upon him in marriage, leaving to herself the choice
+which of the two it should be.
+
+They both, however, again and again refused to marry Blue Beard; but, to
+be as civil as possible, they each pretended that they refused because
+she would not deprive her sister of the opportunity of marrying so much
+to her advantage. But the truth was they could not bear the thoughts of
+having a husband with a blue beard, and, besides, they had heard of his
+having already been married to several wives, and nobody could tell what
+had afterwards become of them.
+
+As Blue Beard wished very much to gain their favour, he invited the lady
+and her daughters, and some ladies who were on a visit at their house,
+to accompany him to one of his country seats, where they spent a whole
+week, during which nothing was thought of but parties for hunting and
+fishing, music, dancing, collations, and the most delightful
+entertainments. No one thought of going to bed, and the nights were
+passed in merriment of every kind.
+
+In short, the time had passed so agreeably that the youngest of the two
+sisters began to think that the beard which had so much terrified her
+was not so very blue, and that the gentleman to whom it belonged was
+vastly civil and pleasing.
+
+Soon after they returned home she told her mother that she had no longer
+any objection to accept of Blue Beard for her husband, and, accordingly,
+in a short time they were married.
+
+About a month after the marriage had taken place, Blue Beard told his
+wife that he should be obliged to leave her for a few weeks, as he had
+some business to do in the country. He desired her to be sure to procure
+herself every kind of amusement, to invite as many of her friends as she
+liked, and to treat them with all sorts of delicacies that the time
+might pass agreeably during his absence. "Here," said he, "are the keys
+of the two large wardrobes. This is the key of the great box that
+contains the best plate, which we use for company; this belongs to my
+strong box, where I keep my money; and this to the casket in which are
+all my jewels. Here also is a master key to all the apartments in my
+house, but this small key belongs to the closet at the end of the long
+gallery on the ground floor. I give you leave," continued he, "to open
+or do what you like with all the rest excepting this closet: this, my
+dear, you must not enter, nor even put the key into the lock, for all
+the world. Should you disobey me, expect the most dreadful of
+punishments."
+
+She promised to obey his orders in the most faithful manner; and Blue
+Beard, after tenderly embracing her, stepped into his carriage and drove
+away.
+
+The friends of the bride did not, on this occasion, wait to be invited,
+so impatient were they to see all the riches and magnificence she had
+gained by marriage; for they had been prevented from paying their
+wedding visit by their aversion to the blue beard of the bridegroom.
+
+No sooner were they arrived than they impatiently ran from room to room,
+from cabinet to cabinet, and then from wardrobe to wardrobe, examining
+each with the utmost curiosity, and declaring that the last was still
+richer and more beautiful than what they had seen the moment before. At
+length they came to the drawing-rooms, where their admiration and
+astonishment were still increased by the costly splendour of the
+hangings, of the sofas, the chairs, carpets, tables, girandoles, and
+looking-glasses, the frames of which were silver gilt, most richly
+ornamented, and in which they saw themselves from head to foot.
+
+In short, nothing could exceed the magnificence of what they saw; and
+the visitors did not cease to extol and envy the good fortune of their
+friend, who all this time was far from being amused by the fine
+compliments they paid her, so eagerly did she desire to see what was in
+the closet her husband had forbidden her to open. So great indeed was
+her curiosity that, without recollecting how uncivil it would be to
+leave her guests, she descended a private staircase that led to it, and
+in such a hurry that she was two or three times in danger of breaking
+her neck.
+
+When she reached the door of the closet she stopped for a few moments to
+think of the charge her husband had given her, and that he would not
+fail to keep his word in punishing her very severely should she disobey
+him. But she was so very curious to know what was in the inside that she
+determined to venture in spite of everything.
+
+She accordingly, with a trembling hand, put the key into the lock, and
+the door immediately opened. The window shutters being closed, she at
+first saw nothing; but in a short time she perceived that the floor was
+covered with clotted blood, on which the bodies of several dead women
+were lying. These were all the wives whom Blue Beard had married and
+murdered, one after another. She was ready to sink with fear, and the
+key of the closet door, which she held in her hand, fell on the floor.
+When she had somewhat recovered from her fright she took it up, locked
+the door, and hastened to her own room that she might have a little time
+to get into humour for amusing her visitors; but this she found
+impossible, so greatly was she terrified by what she had seen.
+
+As she observed that the key of the closet had got stained with blood in
+falling on the floor, she wiped it two or three times over to clean it;
+still, however, the blood remained the same as before. She next washed
+it, but the blood did not stir at all; she then scoured it with
+brickdust, and afterwards with sand, but notwithstanding all she could
+do, the blood was still there; for the key was a fairy, who was Blue
+Beard's friend, so that as fast as she got it off on one side it
+appeared again on the other.
+
+Early in the evening Blue Beard returned home, saying he had not
+proceeded far on his journey before he was met by a messenger who was
+coming to tell him that his business was happily concluded without his
+being present, upon which his wife said everything she could think of to
+make him believe she was transported with joy at his unexpected return.
+
+The next morning he asked her for the keys. She gave them to him; but as
+she could not help showing her fright, Blue Beard easily guessed what
+had happened. "How is it," said he, "that the key of the closet upon the
+ground floor is not here?" "Is it not? then I must have left it on my
+dressing-table," said she, and left the room in tears. "Be sure you give
+it me by-and-bye," cried Blue Beard.
+
+After going several times backwards and forwards, pretending to look for
+the key, she was at last obliged to give it to Blue Beard. He looked at
+it attentively, and then said--"How came the blood upon the key?" "I am
+sure I do not know," replied the lady, turning at the same time as pale
+as death. "You do not know," said Blue Beard sternly; "but I know well
+enough. You have been in the closet on the ground floor. Vastly well,
+madam; since you are so mightily fond of this closet, you shall
+certainly take your place among the ladies you saw there."
+
+His wife, almost dead with fear, fell upon her knees, asked his pardon a
+thousand times for her disobedience, and entreated him to forgive
+her--looking all the time so very sorrowful and lovely that she would
+have melted any heart that was not harder than a rock.
+
+But Blue Beard answered, "No, no, madam; you shall die this very
+minute!"
+
+"Alas!" said the poor trembling creature, "if I must die, allow me, at
+least, a little time to say my prayers."
+
+"I give you," replied the cruel Blue Beard, "half a quarter of an hour;
+not one moment longer."
+
+When Blue Beard had left her to herself, she called her sister, and
+after telling her, as well as she could for sobbing, that she had but
+half a quarter of an hour to live, "Prithee," said she, "sister Ann"
+(this was her sister's name), "run up to the top of the tower, and see
+if my brothers are yet in sight, for they promised to come and visit me
+to-day; and if you see them, make a sign for them to gallop as fast as
+possible."
+
+Her sister instantly did as she was desired, and the terrified lady
+every minute called out to her, "Ann! sister Ann! do you see any one
+coming?" and her sister answered, "I see nothing but the sun, which
+makes a dust, and the grass, which looks green."
+
+In the meanwhile Blue Beard, with a great scimitar in his hand, bawled
+as loud as he could to his wife, "Come down instantly, or I will fetch
+you."
+
+"One moment longer, I beseech you," replied she; and again called softly
+to her sister--"Sister Ann, do you see any one coming?" To which she
+answered, "I see nothing but the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass,
+which looks green."
+
+Blue Beard now again bawled out, "Come down, I say, this very moment, or
+I shall come and fetch you."
+
+"I am coming; indeed I will come in one minute," sobbed his unhappy
+wife. Then she once more cried out--"Ann! sister Ann! do you see any one
+coming?" "I see," said her sister, "a cloud of dust a little to the
+left." "Do you think it is my brothers?" continued the wife. "Alas! no,
+dear sister," replied she; "it is only a flock of sheep."
+
+"Will you come down or not, madam?" said Blue Beard, in the greatest
+rage imaginable.
+
+"Only one single moment more," answered she. And then she called out for
+the last time--"Sister Ann! do you see any one coming?"
+
+"I see," replied her sister, "two men on horseback coming to the house,
+but they are still at a great distance."
+
+"God be praised!" cried she; it is my brothers; give them a sign to make
+what haste they can.
+
+At the same moment Blue Beard cried out so loud for her to come down
+that his voice shook the whole house.
+
+The poor lady with her hair loose, and her eyes swimming in tears,
+instantly came down, and fell on her knees to Blue Beard, and was going
+to beg him to spare her life; but he interrupted her saying--"All this
+is of no use at all, for you shall die." Then, seizing her with one hand
+by the hair, and raising the scimitar he held in the other, was going
+with one blow to strike off her head.
+
+The unfortunate creature turning towards him, desired to have a single
+moment allowed her to recollect herself.
+
+"No, no," said Blue Beard, "I will give you no more time, I am
+determined--you have had too much already;" and again raising his arm.
+Just at this instant a loud knocking was heard at the gates, which made
+Blue Beard wait for a moment to see who it was. The gates were opened,
+and two officers, dressed in their regimentals, entered, and, with their
+swords in their hands, ran instantly to Blue Beard, who, seeing they
+were his wife's brothers, endeavoured to escape from their presence; but
+they pursued and seized him before he had gone twenty steps, and,
+plunging their swords into his body, he immediately fell down dead at
+their feet.
+
+The poor wife, who was almost as dead as her husband, was unable at
+first to rise and embrace her brothers. She soon, however, recovered;
+and as Blue Beard had no heirs, she found herself the lawful possessor
+of his great riches.
+
+She employed a portion of her vast fortune in giving a marriage dowry to
+her sister Ann, who soon after became the wife of a young gentleman by
+whom she had long been beloved. Another part she employed in buying
+captains' commissions for her two brothers, and the rest she presented
+to a most worthy gentleman, whom she married soon after, and whose kind
+treatment soon made her forget Blue Beard's cruelty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                      LIFE OF
+
+                   MANSIE WAUCH
+
+                TAILOR IN DALKEITH.
+
+
+I was born during the night of the 15th of October, 1765, in that little
+house, standing by itself, not many yards from the eastmost side of the
+Flesh Market Gate, Dalkeith. Long was it spoken about that something
+mysterious would happen on that dreary night, as the cat, after washing
+her face, gaed mewing about with her tail sweeing behind her like a
+ramrod; and a corbie, from the Duke's woods, tumbled down Jamie Elder's
+lum when he had set the little still a-going--giving them a terrible
+fright, as they took it for the deevil and then for an exciseman--and
+fell with a great cloud of soot and a loud skraigh into the empty
+kail-pot.
+
+The first thing that I have any clear memory of was my being carried out
+on my auntie's shoulder, with a leather cap tied under my chin, to see
+the Fair Race. Oh! but it was a grand sight! I have read since then the
+story of Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp, but this beat it all to sticks. There
+was a long row of tables, covered with carpets of bonny patterns, heaped
+from one end to the other with shoes of every kind and size, some with
+polished soles and some glittering with sparables and cuddyheels, and
+little red worsted boots for bairns with blue and white edgings, hinging
+like strings of flowers up the posts at each end; and then what a
+collection of luggies! The whole meal in the market sacks on a Thursday
+did not seem able to fill them, and horn spoons, green and black
+freckled, with shanks clear as amber, and timber caups, and ivory egg
+cups of every pattern. Have a care of us! all the eggs in Smeaton dairy
+might have found resting places for their seats in a row. As for the
+gingerbread, I shall not attempt a description. Sixpenny and shilling
+cakes, in paper tied with skinie, and roundabouts, and snaps, brown and
+white quality, and parliaments on stands covered with calendered linen
+clean from the fold. To pass it was just impossible; it set my teeth
+a-watering, and I skirled like mad until I had a gilded lady thrust into
+my little nieve--the which, after admiring for a minute, I applied my
+teeth to and of the head I made no bones, so that in less than no time
+she had vanished, petticoats and all, no trace of her being to the fore
+save and except long treacly daubs extending east and west from ear to
+ear, and north and south from cape nep of the nose to the extremity of
+beardyland.
+
+But what of all things attracted my attention on that memorable day was
+the show of cows, sheep, and horses, mooing, baaing, and neighering; and
+the race--that was the best! Od, what a sight! We were jammed in the
+crowd of auld wives with their toys and shining ribbons, and canter lads
+with their blue bonnets, and young wenches carrying home their fairings
+in napkins as muckle as would hold their teeth going for a month. There
+scarcely could be muckle for love when there was so much for the
+stomach, and men with wooden legs and brass virls at the end of them
+playing on the fiddle, and a bear that roared and danced on its hind
+feet with a muzzled mouth, and Punch and Polly, and puppie shows, and
+mair than I can tell, when up came the horses to the starting-post. I
+shall never forget the bonny dresses of the riders. One had a napkin
+tied round his head, another had on a black velvet hunting cap and his
+coat stripped--oh, but he was a brave lad--and sorrow was the folks for
+him when he fell off in taking ower sharp a turn, by which auld Pullen,
+the bell-ringer, wha was holding the post, was made to coup the creels.
+And the last was all life, as gleg as an eel. Up and down he went, and
+up and down gaed the beast on its hind legs and its fore legs, funking
+like mad. Yet though he was not aboon thirteen, or fourteen at most, he
+did not cry out for help more than five or six times, but grippit at the
+mane with one hand and at the back of the saddle with the other, till
+daft Robie, the hostler at the stables, caught hold of the beast by the
+head, and off they set. The young birkie had neither hat nor shoon, but
+he did not spare the stick; round and round they flew like daft. Ye
+would have thought their een would have loupen out, and loudly all the
+crowd were hurrahing when young hatless came up foremost, standing in
+the stirrups, the long stick between his teeth, and his white hair
+fleeing behind him in the wind like streamers on a frosty night.
+
+
+    CALF-LOVE.
+
+Just after I was put to my apprenticeship, having made free choice of
+the tailoring trade, I had a terrible stound of calf-love. Never shall I
+forget it. I was growing up long and lank as a willow-wand, brawns to my
+legs there were none, as my trousers of other years too visibly effected
+to show. The long yellow hair hung down, like a flax-wig, the length of
+my lantern jaws, which looked, notwithstanding my yapness and stiff
+appetite, as if eating and they had broken up acquaintanceship. My blue
+jacket seemed in the sleeves to have picket a quarrel with the wrists
+and had retreated to a tait below the elbows. The haunch-buttons, on the
+contrary, appeared to have taken a strong liking to the shoulders, a
+little below which they showed their tarnished brightness. At the middle
+of the back the tails terminated, leaving the well-worn rear of my
+corduroys like a full moon seen through a dark haze. Oh! but I must have
+been a bonny lad.
+
+My first flame was the minister's lassie, Jess, a buxom and forward
+queen, two or three years older than myself. I used to sit looking at
+her in the kirk, and felt a droll confusion when our een met. It dirled
+through my heart like a dart, and I looked down at my psalm-book
+sheepish and blushing. Fain would I have spoken to her, but it would not
+do; my courage aye failed me at the pinch, though she whiles gave me a
+smile when she passed me. She used to go to the well every night with
+her twa stoups to draw water after the manner of the Israelites at
+gloaming, so I thought of watching to give her the two apples which I
+had carried in my pouch for more than a week for that purpose. How she
+laughed when I stappit them into her hand and brushed by without
+speaking. I stood at the bottom of the close listening, and heard her
+laughing till she was like to split. My heart flap flappit in my breast
+like a pair of fanners. It was a moment of heavenly hope; but I saw
+Jamie Coom, the blacksmith, who I aye jaloused was my rival, coming down
+to the well. I saw her give him one of the apples, and hearing him say
+with a loud gaffaw, "Where is the tailor?" I took to my heels, and never
+stopped till I found myself on the little stool by the fireside, and the
+hamely sound of my mother's wheel bum-bumming in my lug like a gentle
+lullaby.
+
+Every noise I heard flustered me, but I calmed in time, though I went to
+my bed without my supper. When I was driving out the gaislings to the
+grass on the next morn who was it my ill fate to meet but the
+blacksmith. "Ou, Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for
+your best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on Sunday."
+
+"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring.
+
+"Yes," said he; "Jess, the minister's maid, told me last night that you
+had been giving up your name at the manse. Ay, it's ower true, for she
+showed me the apples ye gied her in a present. This is a bonny story,
+Mansie, my man, and you only at your apprenticeship yet."
+
+Terror and despair had struck me dumb. I stood as still and as stiff as
+a web of buckram. My tongue was tied, and I couldna contradict him.
+Jamie faulded his arms and gaed away whistling, turning every now and
+then his sooty face over his shoulder and mostly sticking his tune, as
+he could not keep his mouth screwed for laughing. What would I not have
+given to have laughed too!
+
+There was no time to be lost; this was the Saturday. The next rising sun
+would shine on the Sabbath. Ah, what a case I was in; I could mostly
+have drowned myself had I not been frighted. What could I do? My love
+had vanished like lightning; but oh, I was in a terrible gliff! Instead
+of gundy, I sold my thrums to Mrs. Walnut for a penny, with which I
+bought at the counter a sheet of paper and a pen, so that in the
+afternoon I wrote out a letter to the minister telling him what I had
+been given to hear, and begging him, for the sake of mercy, not to
+believe Jess's word, as I was not able to keep a wife, and as she was a
+leeing gipsy.
+
+
+    PUSHING MY FORTUNE.
+
+The days of the years of my apprenticeship having glided cannily over on
+the working board of my respected maister, James Hosey, where I sat
+working cross-legged like a busy bee in the true spirit of industrious
+contentment, I found myself at the end of the seven year so well
+instructed in the tailoring trade, to which I had paid a near-sighted
+attention, that, without more ado, I girt myself round about with a
+proud determination of at once cutting my mother's apron string and
+venturing to go without a hold. Thinks I to myself "faint heart never
+won fair lady," so, taking my stick in my hand, I set out towards
+Edinburgh as brave as a Hielander in search of a journeyman's place. I
+may set it down to an especial providence that I found one, on the very
+first day, to my heart's content in by at the Grassmarket where I stayed
+for the space of six calendar months.
+
+Had it not been from a real sense of the duty I owed to my future
+employers, whomsoever they might be, in making myself a first-rate hand
+in the cutting, shaping, and sewing line, I would not have found courage
+in my breast to have helped me out through such a long and dreary time.
+
+Never let us repine, howsomever, but consider that all is ordered for
+the best. The sons of the patriarch Jacob found out their brother Joseph
+in a foreign land, and where they least expected it, so it was
+here--even here where my heart was sickening unto death, from my daily
+and nightly thoughts being as bitter as gall--that I fell in with the
+greatest blessing of my life, Nanse Cromie!
+
+In the flat below our workshop lived Mrs. Whitterraick, the wife of Mr.
+Whitterraick, a dealer in hens and hams in the poultry market, who,
+coming from the Lauder neighbourhood, had hired a bit wench of a lassie
+that was to follow them come the term. And who think ye should this
+lassie be but Nanse Cromie, afterwards, in the course of a kind
+providence, the honoured wife of my bosom, and the mother of bonny
+Benjie.
+
+In going up and down the stairs--it being a common entry, ye observe--me
+may be going down with my everyday hat on to my dinner, and she coming
+up carrying a stoup of water or half-a-pound of pouthered butter on a
+plate, with a piece of paper thrown over it--we frequently met half-way,
+and had to stand still to let one another pass. Nothing came of these
+forgetherings, howsomever, for a month or two, she being as shy and
+modest as she was bonny, with her clean demity short gown and snow-white
+morning mutch, to say nothing of her cherry mou, and me unco douffie in
+making up to strangers. We could not help, nevertheless, to take aye a
+stoun look of each other in passing, and I was a gone man, bewitched out
+of my seven senses, falling from my claes, losing my stomach, and over
+the lugs in love, three weeks and some odd days before ever a single
+syllable passed between us.
+
+If ever a man loved, and loved like mad, it was me, Mansie Wauch, and I
+take no shame in the confession; but, kenning it all in the course of
+nature, declared it openly and courageously in the face of the wide
+world. Let them laugh who like; honest folk, I pity them. Such know not
+the pleasures of virtuous affection. It is not in corrupted, sinful
+hearts that the fire of true love can ever burn clear. Alas, and ohon
+orie! They lose the sweetest, completest, dearest, truest pleasure that
+this world has in store for its children. They know not the bliss to
+meet that makes the embrace of separation bitter. They never dreamed
+the dreams that make awakening to the morning light unpleasant. They
+never felt the raptures that can dirl like darts through a man's soul
+from a woman's e'e. They never tasted the honey that dwells on a woman's
+lip, sweeter than yellow marigolds to the bee; or fretted under the
+fever of bliss that glows through the frame on pressing the hand of a
+suddenly met and fluttering sweetheart. But tuts-tuts--hech-how! my day
+has long since passed; and this is stuff to drop from the lips of an
+auld fool. Nevertheless, forgive me, friends; I cannot help all-powerful
+nature.
+
+Nanse's taste being like my own, we amused one another in abusing great
+cities, and it is curious how soon I learned to be up to trap--I mean in
+an honest way; for when she said she was wearying the very heart out of
+her to be home again to Lauder, which, she said, was her native and the
+true land of Goshen, I spoke back to her by way of answer--"Nancy, my
+dear," says I, "believe me that the real land of Goshen is out at
+Dalkeith, and if ye'll take up house wi' me, and enter into a way of
+doing, I daursay in a while ye'll come to think so too."
+
+What will you say there? Matters were by-and-bye settled full tosh
+between us, and though the means of both parties were small, we were
+young and able and willing to help one another. For two three days, I
+must confess, after Nanse and me found ourselves in the comfortable
+situation of man and wife I was a dowie and desponding, thinking we were
+to have a numerous small family and where work was to come from; but no
+sooner was my sign nailed up with four iron handfasts by Johnny Hammer,
+painted in black letters on a blue ground, with a picture of a jacket on
+one side and a pair of shears on the other, and my shop door opened to
+the public with a wheen ready-made waistcoats, gallowses, leather caps,
+and Kilmarnock cowls, hung up at the window, than business flowed in
+upon us in a perfect torrent. First one came in for his measure and then
+another. A wife came in for a pair of red worsted boots for her bairn,
+but would not take them for they had not blue fringes. A bare-headed
+lassie, hoping to be hansel, threw down twopence and asked tape at three
+yards a halfpenny. The minister sent an old black coat beneath his
+maid's arm, preened up in a towel, to get docked in the tails down into
+a jacket, which I trust I did to his entire satisfaction, making it fit
+to a hair. The duke's butler himself patronized me by sending me a coat
+which was all hair powder and pomate to get a new neck put to it.
+
+No wonder than we attracted customers, for our sign was the prettiest ye
+ever saw, though the jacket was not just so neatly painted as for some
+sand-blind creatures not to take it for a goose. I daresay there were
+fifty half-naked bairns glowering their een out of their heads at it
+from morning till night, and after they all were gone to their beds both
+Nanse and me found ourselves so proud of our new situation in life that
+we slipped out in the dark by ourselves and had a prime look at it with
+a lantern.
+
+
+    MANSIE WAUCH'S FIRST AND LAST PLAY.
+
+Mony a time and often had I heard of play-acting and of players making
+themselves kings and queens, and saying a great many wonderful things,
+but I had never before an opportunity of making myself a witness to the
+truth of these hearsays. So Maister Glen, being as fu' of nonsense and
+as fain to have his curiosity gratified, we took upon us the stout
+resolution to gang ower thegither, he offering to treat me and I
+determined to run the risk of Maister Wiggie, our minister's rebuke, for
+the transgression, hoping it would make na lasting impression on his
+mind, being for the first and only time. Folks shouldna at a' times be
+ower scrupulous.
+
+After paying our money at the door, never, while I live and breathe,
+will I forget what we saw and heard that night. It just looks to me by
+a' the world, when I think on't, like a fairy dream. The place was
+crowded to the e'e, Maister Glen and me having nearly gob our ribs dung
+in before we fand a seat, and them behint were obliged to mount the back
+benches to get a sight. Right to the fore hand of us was a large green
+curtain some five or six ells wide, a guid deal the waur of the wear,
+having seen service through two or three simmers, and just in the front
+of it were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to the
+ground to let us see the players' feet like when they came on the stage,
+and even before they came on the stage, for the curtain being scrimpit
+in length we saw legs and feet moving behind the scenes very neatly,
+while twa blind fiddlers they had brought with them played the bonniest
+ye ever heard. Od, the very music was worth a sixpence of itsel'.
+
+The place, as I said before, was choke full, just to excess, so that ane
+could scarcely breathe. Indeed I never saw ony pairt sae crowded, not
+even at a tent preaching when Mr. Roarer was giving his discourses on
+the building of Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to have the windows
+opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as close as a baker's
+oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces with our hats to keep us
+cool; and, though all were half stewed, we had the worst o't, the toddy
+we had ta'en having fomented the blood of our bodies into a perfect
+fever.
+
+Just at the time that the twa blind fiddlers were playing the "Downfall
+of Paris" a hand bell rang, and up goes the green curtain, being hauled
+to the ceiling, as I observed wi' the tail o' my e'e, by a birkie at the
+side that had hand o' a rope. So, on the music stopping and all becoming
+as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes a decent old
+gentleman at his leesure, weel powdered, wi' an auld-fashioned coat and
+waistcoat wi' flap pockets, brown breeches with buckles at the knees,
+and silk stockings with red gushets on a blue ground. I never saw a man
+in sic distress. He stampit about, and better stampit about, dadding the
+end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powers of heaven
+and yearth to help him to find out his runawa' daughter that had
+decampit wi' some ne'er-do-well loon of a half-pay captain that keppit
+her in his arms frae her bedroom window up twa pair o' stairs. Every
+father and head of a family maun ha'e felt for a man in his situation
+thus to be rubbit of his dear bairn, and an only daughter, too, as he
+telt us ower and ower again, as the saut, saut tears ran gushing down
+his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean calendered
+pocket napkin. But, ye ken, the thing was absurd to suppose that we
+should ken onything about the matter, having never seen either him or
+his daughter between the een afore, and no kenning them by head mark;
+so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do with a
+fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to haud our tongues to
+see what might cast up better than he expected. So out he gaed stamping
+at the ither side, determined, he said, to find them out though he
+should follow them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's House, or
+something to that effect.
+
+Hardly was his back turned, and amaist before ye could cry Jack Robison,
+in comes the birkie and the very young leddy the auld gentleman
+described arm and arm thegither, smoodging and lauching like daft. Dog
+on it, it was a shameless piece of business. As true as death, before
+all the crowd of folk he pat his arm round her waist and ca'ed her his
+sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and everything that is
+sweet. If they had been courting in a close thegither on a Friday night
+they couldna ha'e said mair to ane anither, or gaen greater lengths. I
+thought sic shame to be an e'e-witness to sic ongoings that I was
+obliged at last to haud up my hat afore my face and look down, though,
+for a' that, the young lad, to be sic a blackguard as his conduct
+showed, was weel enough faured and had a guid coat on his back wi'
+double gilt buttons and fashionable lapels, to say little o' a very
+weel-made pair of buckskins a little the waur o' the wear, to be sure,
+but which, if they had been cleaned, would ha'e looked amaist as good as
+new. How they had come we never could learn, as we neither saw chaise
+nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is mair than likely
+that they had lighted at the back door of the barn frae a horse, she
+riding on a pad behint him, maybe with her hand round his waist.
+
+The faither lookit to be a rich auld bool, baith from his manner of
+speaking and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of his
+daughter; but, to be sure, when so many of us were present that had an
+equal right to the spulzie it wadna be a great deal a thousand pounds
+when divided, still it was worth the looking after. So we just bidit a
+wee.
+
+Things were brought to a bearing, whosoever, sooner than either
+themsel's, I daursay, or onybody else present seemed to ha'e the least
+glimpse of; for just in the middle of their fine going on the sound of a
+coming fit was heard, and the lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out,
+"Hide me, hide me, for the sake of gudeness, for yonder comes my old
+father!"
+
+Nae sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet, and, after
+shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to be
+asleep in a moment. The auld faither came bouncing in, and seeing the
+fellow as sound as a tap he ran forrit and gaed him sich a shake as if
+he wad ha'e shooken him a' sundry, which sune made him open his een as
+fast as he had steekit them. After blackguarding the chiel at no
+allowance, cursing him up hill and down dale, and ca'ing him every name
+but a gentleman, he haddit his staff ower his crown and, gripping him by
+the cuff o' the neck, askit him what he had made o' his daughter. Never
+since I was born did I ever see sic brazen-faced impudence! The rascal
+had the brass to say at ance that he hadna seen word or wittens o' his
+daughter for a month, though mair than a hundred folk sitting in his
+company had seen him dauting her with his arm round her jimpy waist not
+five minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of our kirk, my
+corruption was raised, for I aye hated leeing as a puir cowardly sin and
+an inbreak on the ten commandments, and I fand my neebour, Mr. Glen,
+fidgetting on the seat as weel as me, so I thocht that whaever spoke
+first wad ha'e the best right to be entitled to the reward; whereupon,
+just as he was in the act of rising up, I took the word out of his
+mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld gentleman, dinna believe him,
+friend; he's telling a parcel of lees. Never saw her for a month! It's
+no worth arguing or ca'ing witnesses; just open that press door and
+ye'll see whether I'm speaking truth or no."
+
+The auld man stared and lookit dumbfoundered, and the young man, instead
+of rinning forrit wi' his double nieves to strike me, the only thing I
+was feared for, began a-laughing, as if I had dune him a good turn. But
+never since I had a being did I ever witness an uproar and noise as
+immediately took place. The haill house was sae glad that the scoundrel
+had been exposed that they set up siccan a roar o' lauchter and thumpit
+away at siccan a rate at the boards wi' their feet that, at lang and
+last, wi' pushing and fidgetting and hadding their sides, down fell the
+place they ca' the gallery, a' the folk in't being hurled tapsy-turvy
+head foremost amang the saw-dust on the floor below, their guffawing
+sune being turned to howling, ilka ane crying louder than anither at the
+tap of their voices, "Murder! murder! haud off me; murder! my ribs are
+in; murder! I'm killed--I'm speechless!" and ither lamentations to that
+effect; so that a rush to the door took place, in which everything was
+overturned--the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire, the furms
+strampit to pieces, the lights knockit out, and the twa blind fiddlers
+dung head foremost ower the stage, the bass fiddle cracking like thunder
+at every bruise. Siccan tearing, and swearing, and tumbling, and
+squeeling was never witnessed in the memory of man sin' the building of
+Babel, legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, een knocked out,
+and lives lost--there being only ae door, and that a sma' ane--so that
+when we had been carried off our feet that length my wind was fairly
+gane, and a sick dwam cam' ower me, lights of a' manner of colours, red,
+blue, green, and orange dancing before me that entirely deprived me o
+common sense till, on opening my een in the dark, I fand mysel' leaning
+wi' my braid side against the wa' on the opposite side of the close. It
+was some time before I mindit what had happened, so, dreading scaith, I
+fand first the ae arm and then the ither to see if they were broken,
+syne my head, and syne baith o' my legs; but a', as weel as I could
+discover, was skinhale and scart free--on perceiving which, my joy was
+without bounds, having a great notion that I had been killed on the
+spot. So I reached round my hand very thankfully to tak' out my pocket
+napkin to gi'e my brow a wipe when, lo and behold, the tail of my
+Sunday's coat was fairly aff and away, dockit by the haunch buttons.
+
+
+    PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE.
+
+It was about the month of March, in the year of grace anno domini
+eighteen hunder, that the haill country trummelled, like a man ill of
+the interminable fiver, under the consternation of Bonapartie and all
+the French vagabonds emigrating ower and landing in the firth. Keep us
+a'! the folk, dydit bodies, pat less confidence than became them in what
+our volunteer regiments were able and willing to do though we had a
+remnant amang us of the true bluid that with loud lauchter lauched the
+creatures to scorn, and I for ane keepit up my pluck like a true
+Hielander. Does ony leeving soul believe that Scotland could be
+conquered, and the like o' us sold, like Egyptian slaves, into
+captivity? Fie, fie; I could spit on siccan havers. Are we no descended,
+faither and son, frae Robert Bruce and Sir William Wallace, having the
+bright bluid of freemen in our veins and the Pentland Hills, as weel as
+our ain dear hames and firesides, to fight for? The fief that wadna gi'e
+cut-and-thrust for his country as lang as he had a breath to draw or a
+leg to stand on should be tied neck and heels, without benefit o'
+clergy, and thrown ower Leith Pier to swim for his life like a mangy
+dog!
+
+It was sometime in the blasty month of March, the weather being rawish
+and rainy, wi' sharp frosty nights that left all the window soles
+whitewashed ower with frost-rind in the morning, that as I was going out
+in the dark, afore lying doun in my bed, to gi'e a look into the
+hen-house door and lock the coal cellar, so that I might pit the bit key
+intil my breek pouches, I happened to gi'e a keek in, and, lo and
+behold, the awfu' apparition of a man wi' a yellow jacket lying sound
+asleep on a great lump o' parrot coal in a corner.
+
+In the hurry of my terror and surprise at seeing a man with a yellow
+jacket and a blue foraging cap in such a situation, I was like to drap
+the guid twopenny candle and faint clean away; but, coming to mysel' in
+a jiffy, I determined, in case it might be a highway rubber, to thraw
+about the key, and, rinning up for the firelock, shoot him through the
+head instantly, if found necessary. In turning round the key the lock,
+being in want of a feather o' oil, made a noise, and waukened the puir
+wretch, who, jumping to the soles of his feet in despair, cried out in a
+voice that was like to break my heart, though I couldna make out ae word
+of his paraphernally. It minded me, by a' the world, of a wheen cats
+fuffing and feighting through ither, and whiles something that sounded
+like "Sugar, sugar, measure the cord," and "dabble, dabble." It was waur
+than the maist outrageous Gaelic ever spoken in the height o' passion by
+a Hieland shearer.
+
+"Oho!" thinks I, "friend, ye cannot be a Christian from your lingo,
+that's one thing poz; and I would wager tippence you're a Frenchy. Who
+kens keeps us all, but ye may be a Bonaparte himself in disguise, come
+over in a flat-bottomed boat, to spy the nakedness of the land. So ye
+may just rest content, and keep your quarters good till the morn's
+morning."
+
+It was a wonderful business, and enough to happen to a man in the course
+of his lifetime to find Mounseer from Paris in his coal neuk, and have
+the enemy of his country snug under lock and key; so while he kept
+rampaging, fuffing, stamping, and diabbling away I went in and brought
+out Benjie with a blanket row'd round him, and my journeyman, Tommy
+Bodkin--who, being an orphan, I made a kind of parlour boarder of, he
+sleeping on a shake-down beyond the kitchen fire--to hold a consultation
+and be witness of the transaction.
+
+I got my musket, and Tommy Bodkin armed himself with the goose, a deadly
+weapon, whoever may get a clour with it, and Benjie took the poker in
+one hand and the tongs in the other; and out we all marched briskly to
+make the Frenchman that was locked up from the light of day in the coal
+house surrender. After hearkening at the door for a while, and finding
+all quiet, he gave a knock to rouse him up and see if we could bring
+anything out of him by speering him cross-questions. Tammy and Benjie
+trembled from top to toe, like aspen leaves, but fient a word could we
+make common sense of it all. I wonder wha edicates thae foreign
+creatures? It was in vain to follow him, for he just gab, gabbled away
+like ane o' the stone masons at the tower of Babel. At first I was
+completely bamboozled and amaist dung stupid, though I kent a word of
+French which I wantit to pit till him, so I cried through--"Canna you
+speak Frencha, Mounseer?"
+
+He hadna the politeness to stop and mak' answer, but just gaed on wi'
+his string of havers, without either rhyme or reason, which we could
+mak' neither tap, tail, nor main o'.
+
+It was a sair trial to us a', putting us to our wit's end, and hoo to
+come on was past all visible comprehension, when Tammy Bodkin, gi'eing
+his elbow a claw, said--"Od, maister, I wager something that he's broken
+loose frae Pennycuick. We have him like a rotten in a fa'." On
+Pennycuick being mentioned, we heard the foreign crature in the coal
+house groaning out, "Och" and "ohone," and "parbleu," and "Mysie
+Rabbie"--that, I fancy, was his sweetheart at hame, sum bit French queen
+that wondered he was never like to come frae the wars and marry her. I
+thocht on this, for his voice was mournfu', though I couldna understand
+the words; and, kenning he was a stranger in a far land, my bowels
+yearned within me with compassion towards him.
+
+I wad ha'e gien half-a-crown at that blessed moment to ha'e been able to
+wash my hands free o' him, but I swithered, and was like the cuddie
+between the twa bundles of hay. At lang and last a thocht struck me,
+which was to gi'e the deluded, simple cratur a chance of escape,
+reckoning that if he fand his way hame he wad see the shame and folly of
+feighting against us ony mair, and, marrying Maysie Rabbie, live a
+contented and peacefu' life under his ain feg and bay tree. So, wishing
+him a sound sleep, I cried through the door--"Mounseer, gooda nighta,"
+decoying away Benjie and Tammy Bodkin into the house and dispatching
+them to their beds like lamplighters, bidding them never fash their
+thumbs, but sleep like taps, as I would keep a sharp lookout till
+morning.
+
+As soon, hoosomever, as I fand a' things snug I slippit awa to the
+coal-hole, and, giein' the key a canny turn in the lock, I went to my
+bed beside Nanse.
+
+At the dawn o' day, by cock-craw, Benjie and Tammy Bodkin, keen o' the
+ploy, were up and astir as anxious as if their life depended on it, to
+see that all was safe and snug and that the prisoner hadna shot the
+lock. They agreed to march sentry over him half-an-hour the piece, time
+about, the ane stretching himsel' out on a stool beside the kitchen fire
+by way of a bench in the guard-house, while the other gaed to and fro
+like the ticker of a clock.
+
+The back window being up a jink, I heard the two confabbing. "We'll draw
+cuts," said Benjie, "which is to walk sentry first. See, here's twa
+straes; the langest gets the choice." "I've won," cried Tammy, "so gang
+you in a while, and if I need ye, or grow frightened, I'll beat
+leatherty patch wi' my knuckles on the back door. But we had better see
+first what he is about, for he may be howking a hole through aneath the
+foundations. Thae fiefs can work like moudiewards." "I'll slip forrit,"
+said Benjie, "and gi'e a'peep." "Keep to a side," cried Tammy Bodkin,
+"for, dog on it, Moosey'll maybe ha'e a pistol; and, if his birse be up,
+he would think nae mair o' shooting ye as dead as a mawkin than I would
+do of taking my breakfast."
+
+"I'll rin past and gi'e a knock at the door wi' the poker to rouse him
+up?" askit Benjie.
+
+"Come away then," answered Tammie, "and ye'll hear him gi'e a yowl and
+commence gabbling like a goose."
+
+As all this was going on I rose and took a vizzy between the chinks of
+the window shutters, so just as I got my neb to the hole I saw Benjie as
+he flew past give the door a drive. His consternation, on finding it
+flee half open, may be easier imagined than described; for, expecting
+the Frenchman to bounce out like a roaring lion, they hurried like mad
+into the house, couping the creels ower ane anither, Tammie spraining
+his thumb against the back door, and Benjie's foot going into Tammie's
+coat pocket, which it carried away with it like a cloth sandal. What
+became o' the French vagrant is a matter o' surmise--nae mortal kens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE LIFE AND
+
+                ASTONISHING ADVENTURES
+
+                         OF
+
+                 PETER WILLIAMSON
+
+                     WHO WAS
+
+        _Carried off when a Child from Aberdeen_
+
+                AND SOLD FOR A SLAVE.
+
+
+I was born in the parish of Aboyne, Aberdeenshire, of respectable
+parents, who sent me very early to live with an aunt at Aberdeen. When,
+under the years of pupilarity, once playing on the quay with others of
+my companions--being of a stout robust constitution--I was taken notice
+of by two fellows belonging to a vessel in the harbour employed in the
+trade called kidnapping--that is, stealing young children from their
+parents, and selling them as slaves in plantations abroad. Being marked
+out by those monsters of impiety as their prey, I was cajoled on board
+the ship by them, where I was no sooner got than they conducted me
+between the decks to some others they had kidnapped in the same manner.
+At that time I had no sense of the fate that was destined for me, and
+spent the time in childish amusements with my fellow-sufferers in the
+steerage, being never suffered to go upon deck whilst the vessel lay in
+the harbour.
+
+In about a month's time the ship set sail for America. I cannot forget
+that, when we arrived on the coast we were destined for, a hard gale of
+wind sprung up from the S.E., and, to the captain's great surprise (he
+not thinking he was near land, although having been eleven weeks on the
+passage), about twelve o'clock at night, the ship struck on a sandbank
+off Cape May, near the Capes of Delaware, and, to the great terror and
+affright of the ship's company, in a short time was almost full of
+water. The boat was then hoisted out, into which the captain and his
+fellow villains, the crew, got with some difficulty, leaving me and my
+deluded companions to perish, as they then naturally concluded
+inevitable death to be our fate. Often in my distresses and miseries
+since, have I wished that such had been the consequence, when in a state
+of innocence! But Providence thought proper to reserve me for future
+trials of its goodness. Thus abandoned and deserted, without the least
+prospect of relief, but threatened every moment with death, did these
+villains leave us. The cries, the shrieks and tears of a parcel of
+infants had no effect on, or caused the least remorse in, the breasts of
+these merciless wretches. Scarce can I say to which to give the
+preference, whether to such as these who have had the opportunity of
+knowing the Christian religion, or to the savages hereinafter
+described--who profane not the gospel or boast of humanity; and if they
+act in a more brutal and butcherly manner, yet it is to their enemies,
+for the sake of plunder and the rewards offered them--for their
+principles are alike, the love of sordid gain being both their motives.
+The ship being on a sandbank, which did not give way to let her deeper,
+we lay in the same deplorable condition until morning, when, though we
+saw the land of Cape May at about a mile's distance, we knew not what
+would be our fate.
+
+The wind at length abated, and the captain, unwilling to lose all her
+cargo, about ten o'clock sent some of his crew in a boat to the ship's
+side to bring us on shore, where we lay in a sort of a camp, made of the
+sails of the vessel, and such other things as we could get. The
+provisions lasted us until we were taken in by a vessel bound to
+Philadelphia, lying on this island, as well as I can recollect, near
+three weeks. Very little of the cargo was saved undamaged, and the
+vessel was entirely lost.
+
+When arrived and landed at Philadelphia, the capital of Pennsylvania,
+the captain had people enough who came to buy us. He sold us at about
+L16 per head. What became of my unhappy companions I never knew. It was
+my lot to be sold to one of my countrymen, whose name was Hugh Wilson, a
+North Briton, who had in his youth undergone the same fate as myself,
+having been kidnapped from St. Johnstown, in Scotland.
+
+Happy was my lot in falling into my countryman's power, as he was,
+contrary to many others of his calling, a humane, worthy, honest man.
+Having no children of his own, and commiserating my unhappy condition,
+he took great care of me until I was fit for business, and about the
+twelfth year of my age, set me about little trifles, in which state I
+continued until my fourteenth year, when I was more fit for harder work.
+During such my idle state, seeing my fellow-servants often reading and
+writing, it incited in me an inclination to learn, which I intimated to
+my master, telling him I should be very willing to serve a year longer
+than the contract by which I was sold, if he would indulge me in going
+to school; this he readily agreed to, saying that winter would be the
+best time. It being then summer, I waited with impatience for the other
+season; but, to make some progress in my design, I got a Primer, and
+learned as much from my fellow-servants as I could. At school, where I
+went every winter for five years, I made a tolerable proficiency, and
+have ever since been improving myself at leisure hours. With this good
+master I continued till I was seventeen years old, when he died; and as
+a reward for my faithful service, he left me L200 currency, which was
+then about L150 sterling, his best horse, saddle, and all his wearing
+apparel.
+
+Being now my own master, having money in my pocket, and all other
+necessaries, I employed myself in jobbing about the country, working for
+any one that would employ me, for near seven years, when, thinking I had
+money sufficient to follow some better way of life, I resolved to
+settle, but thought one step necessary thereto was to be married; for
+which purpose I applied to the daughter of a substantial planter, and
+found my suit was not unacceptable to her or her father, so that matters
+were soon concluded upon, and we married. My father-in-law, in order to
+establish us in the world in an easy, if not affluent manner, made me a
+deed of gift of a tract of land, that lay, unhappily for me, as it has
+since proved, on the frontiers of the province of Pennsylvania, near the
+forks of Delaware, in Berks County, containing about two hundred acres,
+thirty of which were well cleared and fit for immediate use, whereon was
+a good house and barn. The place pleasing me well, I settled on it,
+though it cost me the major part of my money in buying stock, household
+furniture, and implements for out-door work. And happy as I was in a
+good wife, yet did my felicity last me not long, for about the year
+1754, the Indians in the French interest, who had for a long time before
+ravaged and destroyed other parts of America unmolested, I may very
+properly say, began to be very troublesome on the frontiers of our
+province, where they generally appeared in small skulking parties, with
+yellings, shoutings, and antic postures, instead of trumpets and drums,
+committing great devastations. The Pennsylvanians little imagined at
+first that the Indians, guilty of such outrages and violence, were some
+of those who pretended to be in the English interest, which, alas!
+proved to be too true to many of us; for, like the French in Europe,
+without regard to faith or treaties, they suddenly break out into
+furious, rapid outrages and devastations, but soon retire
+precipitately, having no stores nor provisions but what they meet with
+in their incursions. Some, indeed, carry a bag with biscuit or Indian
+corn therein, but not unless they have a long march to their destined
+place of action. And those French who were sent to dispossess us in that
+part of the world, being indefatigable in their duty, and continually
+contriving and using all manner of ways and means to win the Indians to
+their interest, many of whom had been too negligent, and sometimes, I
+may say, cruelly treated by those who pretend to be their protectors and
+friends, found it no very difficult matter to get over to their interest
+many who belonged to those nations in amity with us, especially as the
+rewards they gave them were so great, they paying for every scalp of an
+English person L15 sterling.
+
+Shocking to human nature were the barbarities daily committed by the
+savages, and are not to be parallelled in all the volumes of history!
+Scarce did a day pass but some unhappy family or other fell victims to
+savage cruelty. Terrible indeed it proved to me, as well as to many
+others. I that was now happy in an easy state of life, blessed with an
+affectionate and tender wife, who was possessed of all amiable
+qualities, to enable me to go through the world with that peace and
+serenity of mind which every Christian wishes to possess, became on a
+sudden one of the most unhappy and deplorable of mankind. Scarce can I
+sustain the shock which for ever recoils on me, at thinking on the last
+time of seeing that good woman. The fatal 2nd of October, 1754, she that
+day went from home to visit some of her relations. As I stayed up later
+than usual, expecting her return, none being in the house besides
+myself, how great was my surprise, terror, and affright, when, about
+eleven o'clock at night, I heard the dismal war-cry, or war-whoop of the
+savages, and to my inexpressible grief, soon found my house was attacked
+by them. I flew to my chamber window, and perceived them to be twelve
+in number. They making several attempts to get in, I asked them what
+they wanted. They gave me no answer, but continued beating and trying to
+get the door opened. Judge, then, the condition I must be in, knowing
+the cruelty and merciless disposition of those savages, should I fall
+into their hands. To escape which dreadful misfortune, having my gun
+loaded in my hand, I threatened them with death if they should not
+desist. But how vain and fruitless are the efforts of one man against
+the united force of so many, and of such merciless, undaunted, and
+blood-thirsty monsters as I had here to deal with. One of them that could
+speak a little English threatened me in return, that if I did not come
+out they would burn me alive in the house, telling me farther, that they
+were no friends to the English, but if I would come out and surrender
+myself prisoner, they would not kill me. My terror and distraction at
+hearing this is not to be expressed by words, nor easily imagined by any
+person, unless in the same condition. Little could I depend on the
+promises of such creatures, and yet if I did not, inevitable death, by
+being burnt alive, must be my lot. Distracted as I was, in such
+deplorable circumstances, I chose to rely on the uncertainty of their
+fallacious promises rather than meet with certain death by rejecting
+them, and, accordingly, went out of my house with my gun in my hand, not
+knowing what I did, or that I had it. Immediately on my approach, they
+rushed on me like so many tigers, and instantly disarmed me. Having me
+thus in their power, the merciless villains bound me to a tree near the
+door; they then went into the house and plundered and destroyed
+everything, carrying off what moveables they could; the rest, together
+with the house, they set fire to, and consumed before my eyes. The
+barbarians, not satisfied with this, set fire to my barn, stable, and
+outhouses, wherein were about two hundred bushels of wheat, six cows,
+four horses, and five sheep, which were entirely consumed to ashes.
+During the conflagration, to describe the thoughts, the fears, and
+misery that I felt, is utterly impossible; after this they untied me,
+and gave me a great load to carry on my back, under which I travelled
+all that night with them, full of the most terrible apprehensions, and
+oppressed with the greatest anxiety of mind, lest my unhappy wife should
+likewise have fallen a prey to those cruel monsters. At daybreak my
+infernal masters ordered me to lay down my load, when, tying my hands
+again round a tree with a small cord, they then forced the blood out of
+my finger-ends. They then kindled a fire near the tree whereto I was
+bound, which filled me with dreadful agonies, concluding I was going to
+be made a sacrifice to their barbarity.
+
+The fire being thus made, they for some time danced round me after their
+manner, with various odd motions and antic gestures, whooping,
+hallooing, and crying in a frightful manner, as it is their custom.
+Having satisfied themselves in this sort of their mirth, they proceeded
+in a more tragical manner, taking the burning coals and sticks, flaming
+with fire at the ends, holding them near my face, head, hands, and feet,
+with a deal of monstrous pleasure and satisfaction, and at the same time
+threatening to burn me entirely if I made the least noise or motion of
+my body. Thus tortured, as I was, almost to death, I suffered their
+brutal pleasure without being allowed to vent my inexpressible anguish
+otherwise than by shedding tears; even which, when these inhuman
+tormentors observed, with a shocking pleasure and alacrity, they would
+take fresh coals and apply near my eyes, telling me my face was wet, and
+that they would dry it for me. How I suffered these tortures I have here
+faintly described has been matter of wonder to me many times; but God
+enabled me to wait with more than common patience for a deliverance I
+daily prayed for.
+
+Having at length satisfied their brutal pleasure, they sat round the
+fire and roasted their meat, of which they had robbed my dwelling. When
+they had prepared it, and satisfied their voracious appetites, they
+offered some to me; though it is easily imagined I had but little
+appetite to eat, after the tortures and miseries I had undergone; yet
+was I forced to seem pleased with what they offered me, lest, by
+refusing it, they had again resumed their hellish practices. What I
+could not eat, I contrived to get between the bark and the tree where I
+was fixed, they having unbound my hands until they imagined I had ate
+all they gave me; but then they again bound me as before, in which
+deplorable condition was I forced to continue all that day. When the sun
+was set they put out the fire and covered the ashes with leaves, as is
+their usual custom, that the white people might not discover any traces
+or signs of their having been there.
+
+Going from thence along by the river, for the space of six miles, loaded
+as I was before, we arrived at a spot near the Apalachian mountains,
+where they hid their plunder under logs of wood; and oh! shocking to
+relate, from thence did these hellish monsters proceed to a neighbouring
+house, occupied by one Joseph Suider and his unhappy family--consisting
+of his wife, five children, and a young man, his servant. They soon got
+admittance into the unfortunate man's house, where they immediately,
+without the least remorse, and with more than brutal cruelty, scalped
+the tender parents and the unhappy children. Nor could the tears, the
+shrieks, or cries of these unhappy victims prevent their horrid
+massacre; for having thus scalped them, and plundered the house of
+everything that was moveable, they set fire to the same, where the poor
+creatures met their final doom amidst the flames, the hellish miscreants
+standing at the door, or as near the house as the flames would permit
+them, rejoicing and echoing back, in their diabolical manner, the
+piercing cries, heart-rending groans, and paternal and affectionate
+soothings, which issued from this most horrid sacrifice of an innocent
+family. Not contented with what they had already done, they still
+continued their inordinate villainy, in making a general conflagration
+of the barn and stables, together with all the corn, horses, cows, and
+everything on the place.
+
+Thinking the young man belonging to this unhappy family would be of some
+service to them in carrying part of their plunder, they spared his life,
+and loaded him and myself with what they had here got, and again marched
+to the Blue Hills, where they stowed their goods as before. My
+fellow-sufferer could not long bear the cruel treatment which we were
+both obliged to suffer, and complaining bitterly to me of being unable
+to proceed any farther, I endeavoured to condole him as much as lay in
+my power, to bear up under his afflictions, and wait with patience till,
+by the divine assistance, we should be delivered out of their clutches;
+but in vain, for he still continued his moans and tears, which one of
+the savages perceiving as we travelled on, instantly came up to us, and
+with his tomahawk gave him a blow on the head, which felled the unhappy
+youth to the ground, where they immediately scalped and left him. The
+suddenness of this murder shocked me to that degree, that I was in a
+manner like a statue, being quite motionless, expecting my fate would
+soon be the same; however, recovering my distracted thoughts, I
+dissembled the uneasiness and anguish which I felt as well as I could
+from the barbarians; but such was the terror that I was under, that for
+some time I scarce knew the days of the week, or what I did, so that, at
+this period, life indeed became a burden to me, and I regretted being
+saved from my first persecutors, the sailors.
+
+The horrid fact being completed, they kept on their course near the
+mountains, where they lay skulking four or five days, rejoicing at the
+plunder and store they had got. When provisions became scarce, they
+made their way towards Susquehana, where still, to add to the many
+barbarities they had already committed, passing near another house
+inhabited by an unhappy old man, whose name was John Adams, with his
+wife and four small children; and, meeting with no resistance, they
+immediately scalped the unhappy wife and her four children before the
+good old man's eyes. Inhuman and horrid as this was, it did not satiate
+them, for when they had murdered the poor woman, they acted with her in
+such a brutal manner as decency, or the remembrance of the crime, will
+not permit me to mention, and this even before the unhappy husband, who,
+not being able to avoid the sight, and incapable of affording her the
+least relief, entreated them to put an end to his miserable being. But
+they were as deaf and regardless to the tears, prayers, and entreaties
+of this venerable sufferer as they had been to those of the others, and
+proceeded in their hellish purpose of burning and destroying his house,
+barn, cattle, hay, corn, and everything the poor man a few hours before
+was master of. Having saved what they thought proper from the flames,
+they gave the old man, feeble, weak, and in the miserable condition he
+then was, as well as myself, burdens to carry, and loading themselves
+likewise with bread and meat, pursued their journey on towards the Great
+Swamp, where, being arrived, they lay for eight or nine days, sometimes
+diverting themselves in exercising the most atrocious and barbarous
+cruelties on their unhappy victim, the old man. Sometimes they would
+strip him naked and paint him all over with various sorts of colours,
+which they extracted or made from herbs and roots; at other times they
+would pluck the white hairs from his venerable beard, and tauntingly
+tell him he was a fool for living so long, and that they would show him
+kindness in putting him out of the world; to all which the poor creature
+could but vent his sighs, his tears, his moans, and entreaties, that, to
+my affrighted imagination, were enough to penetrate a heart of adamant,
+and soften the most obdurate savage. In vain, alas! were all his tears,
+for daily did they tire themselves with the various means they tried to
+torment him--sometimes tying him to a tree and whipping him, at others
+scorching his furrowed cheeks with red-hot coals, and burning his legs
+quite to the knees. But the good old man, instead of repining or
+wickedly arraigning the divine justice, like many others in such cases,
+even in the greatest agonies, incessantly offered up his prayers to the
+Almighty; with the most fervent thanksgivings for his former mercies,
+and hoping the flames, then surrounding and burning his aged limbs,
+would soon send him to the blissful mansions of the just, to be a
+partaker of the blessings there. And during such pious ejaculations, his
+infernal plagues would come round him, mimicking his heart-rending
+groans and piteous wailings. One night, after he had thus been
+tormented, whilst he and I were sitting together, condoling each other
+at the misfortunes and miseries we daily suffered, twenty scalps and
+three prisoners were brought in by another party of Indians. They had
+unhappily fallen into their hands in Cannojigge, a small town near the
+river Susquehana, chiefly inhabited by the Irish. These prisoners gave
+us some shocking accounts of the murders and devastations committed in
+their parts. The various and complicated actions of these barbarians
+would entirely fill a large volume; but what I have already written,
+with a few other instances which I shall select from the information,
+will enable the reader to guess at the horrid treatment the English, and
+Indians in their interest, suffered for many years past. I shall
+therefore only mention, in a brief manner, those that suffered near the
+same time with myself. This party who now joined us, had it not, I
+found, in their power to begin their wickedness as soon as those who
+visited my habitation, the first of their tragedies being on the 25th
+day of October, 1754, when John Lewis, with his wife and three small
+children, fell sacrifices to their cruelty, and were miserably scalped
+and murdered, his house, barn, and everything he possessed being burnt
+and destroyed. On the 28th, Jacob Miller, with his wife and six of his
+family, together with everything on his plantation, underwent the same
+fate. The 30th--the house, mill, barn, twenty head of cattle, two teams
+of horses, and everything belonging to the unhappy George Folke, met
+with the like treatment--himself, wife, and all his miserable family,
+consisting of nine in number, being inhumanly scalped, then cut in
+pieces and given to the swine, which devoured them. I shall give another
+instance of the numberless and unheard of barbarities they related of
+the savages, and proceed to their own tragical end. In short, one of the
+substantial traders belonging to the province, having business that
+called him some miles up the country, fell into the hands of these
+devils, who not only scalped him, but immediately roasted him before he
+was dead; then, like cannibals for want of other food, ate his whole
+body, and of his head made what they called an Indian pudding.
+
+From these few instances of savage cruelty, the deplorable, situation of
+the defenceless inhabitants, and what they hourly suffered in that part
+of the globe, must strike the utmost terror to a human soul, and cause
+in every breast the utmost detestation, not only against the authors of
+such tragic scenes, but against those who, through perfidy, inattention,
+or pusillanimous and erroneous principles, suffered these savages at
+first, unrepelled, or even unmolested, to commit such outrages and
+incredible depredations and murders; for no torments, no barbarities
+that can be exercised on the human sacrifices they get into their power,
+are left untried or omitted.
+
+The three prisoners that were brought with these additional forces,
+constantly repining at their lot, and almost dead with their excessive
+hard treatment, contrived at last to make their escape; but being far
+from their own settlements, and not knowing the country, were soon after
+met by some others of the tribes or nations at war with us, and brought
+back to their diabolical masters, who greatly rejoiced at having them
+again in their infernal power. The poor creatures, almost famished for
+want of sustenance, having had none during the time of their elopement,
+were no sooner in the clutches of the barbarians, than two of them were
+tied to a tree, and a great fire made round them, where they remained
+till they were terribly scorched and burnt, when one of the villains,
+with his scalping knife, ripped open their bellies, took out their
+entrails, and burnt them before their eyes, whilst the others were
+cutting, piercing, and tearing the flesh from their breasts, hands,
+arms, and legs, with red-hot irons, till they were dead. The third
+unhappy victim was reserved a few hours longer, to be, if possible,
+sacrificed in a more cruel manner. His arms were tied close to his body,
+and a hole being dug deep enough for him to stand upright, he was put
+therein, and earth rammed and beat in all round his body, up to the
+neck, so that his head only appeared above the ground; they then scalped
+him, and there let him remain for three or four hours in the greatest
+agonies; after which they made a small fire near his head, causing him
+to suffer the most excruciating torments imaginable, whilst the poor
+creature could only cry for mercy in killing him immediately, for his
+brains were boiling in his head. Inexorable to all his plaints, they
+continued the fire, whilst, shocking to behold, his eyes gushed out of
+their sockets; and such agonizing torments did the unhappy creature
+suffer for near two hours, till he was quite dead! They then cut off his
+head and buried it with the other bodies, my task being to dig the
+graves, which, feeble and terrified as I was, the dread of suffering the
+same fate enabled me to do. I shall not here take up the reader's time
+in vainly attempting to describe what I felt on such an occasion, but
+continue my narrative, as more equal to my abilities.
+
+A great snow now falling, the barbarians were a little fearful lest the
+white people should, by their traces, find out their skulking retreats,
+which obliged them to make the best of their way to their winter
+quarters, about two hundred miles farther from any plantation or
+inhabitants, where, after a long and tedious journey, being almost
+starved, I arrived with this infernal crew. The place where we were to
+rest, in their tongue, is called Alamingo. There were found a number of
+wigwams full of their women and children. Dancing, shooting, and
+shouting were their general amusements; and in all their festivals and
+dances they relate what successes they have had, and what damages they
+have sustained in their expeditions, in which I became part of their
+theme. The severity of the cold increasing, they stripped me of my
+clothes, for their own use, and gave me such as they usually wore
+themselves, being a piece of blanket, a pair of mogganes, or shoes, with
+a yard of coarse cloth to put round me instead of breeches. To describe
+their dress and manner of living may not be altogether unacceptable to
+some of my readers; but, as the size of this book will not permit me to
+be so particular as I might otherwise be, I shall just observe that they
+in general wear a white blanket, which in war-time they paint with
+various figures, but particularly the leaves of trees, in order to
+deceive their enemies when in the woods. Their mogganes are made of
+deer-skins, and the best sort have them bound round the edges with
+little beads and ribbands. On their legs they wear pieces of blue cloth
+for stockings, some like our soldiers' splatter-dashes. They reach
+higher than their knees, but not lower than their ancles. They esteem
+them easy to run in. Breeches they never wear, but instead thereof, two
+pieces of linen, one before and another behind. The better sort have
+shirts of the finest linen they can get, and to these some wear ruffles;
+but these they never put on till they have painted them of various
+colours, which they get from the pecone root and bark of trees, and
+never pull them off to wash, but wear them till they fall to pieces.
+They are very proud, and take great delight in wearing trinkets, such as
+silver plates round their wrists and necks, with several strings of
+wampum, which is made of cotton, interwoven with pebbles, cockleshells,
+etc., down to their breasts, and from their ears and noses they have
+rings or beads, which hang dangling an inch or two. The men have no
+beards, to prevent which they use certain instruments and tricks as soon
+as it begins to grow. The hair of their heads is managed differently;
+some pluck out and destroy all, except a lock hanging from the crown of
+the head, which they interweave with wampum and feathers of various
+colours. The women wear it very long, twisted down their backs with
+beads, feathers, and wampum, and on their heads most of them wear little
+coronets of brass or copper; round their middle they wear a blanket
+instead of a petticoat. The females are very chaste and constant to
+their husbands; and if any young maiden should happen to have a child
+before marriage, she is never esteemed afterwards. As for their food,
+they get it chiefly by hunting and shooting, and boil or roast all the
+meat they eat. Their standing dish consists of Indian corn soaked, then
+bruised and boiled. Their bread is likewise made of wild oats, or
+sunflower seeds. Their gun, tomahawk, scalping-knife, powder, and shot,
+they carry with them in time of war. They in war decline open
+engagements--bush-fighting or skulking is their discipline. They are
+brave when engaged, having great fortitude in enduring tortures, and are
+the most implacably vindictive people upon the earth; for they revenge
+the death of any relation, or any affront, whenever occasion presents,
+let the distance of time be ever so remote. After long enduring the
+greatest of hardships with these Indians, I at last escaped out of their
+hands, and went to Quebec, where I was put on board a French packet
+bound for England; and after a passage of six weeks, we at last, to our
+great joy, arrived at Plymouth on the 6th of November, 1756.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                   FAMOUS EXPLOITS
+
+                         OF
+
+                     ROBIN HOOD
+
+            LITTLE JOHN AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL.
+
+              INCLUDING AN ACCOUNT OF HIS
+
+              BIRTH, EDUCATION, AND DEATH.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _The Birth and Parentage of Robin Hood._
+
+
+Kind gentlemen, listen a while to my story, and I will tell you the bold
+exploits of the famous Robin Hood and his comrade, Little John.
+
+All England was filled with the renown of Robin Hood, and the great and
+the valiant stood in fear of him. He never harmed the poor, for he
+pitied their fate, and only spoiled the wealthy and proud, or nobles and
+slothful bishops, who lived in state on the fruit of the husbandman's
+toil. Robin was born in the merry town of Locksley, in Nottinghamshire.
+His father was a stout forester, and kept the deer of King Richard the
+First; his mother was niece to the celebrated Sir Guy of Warwick, and
+was sister to Squire Gamewell, of Great Gamewell Hall.
+
+One day (when Robin was about fourteen years old) his mother thus spoke
+to her spouse--"Dear husband, to-morrow is Christmas Day, therefore let
+Robin and I take a ride to Gamewell Hall this morning to see my brother
+and taste his good ale and pudding. The squire was overjoyed to see his
+sister, and young Robin learned the use of the bow, and became the best
+marksman in the place."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Robin's Progress to Nottingham. Being an Account of his
+                Adventures with the Fifteen Foresters._
+
+
+Robin Hood was now about fifteen years old; in person tall and stout,
+and of a good countenance; in courage and strength few equalled him. One
+day he determined to take a journey to Nottingham, hearing that the king
+had appointed a shooting match in that town, to be disputed by the best
+archers. When he came thither he happened to fall into company with
+fifteen stout foresters, who sat drinking and laughing together. "What
+news, what news?" said bold Robin Hood, "that you drink and talk so
+merrily." The foresters who despised him on account of his youth,
+answered roughly, "We are come to win the king's prize, which we are
+resolved to carry off, in spite of all opposition, and will not be
+questioned by boys." "I have as good a bow as the best," said Robin
+Hood, "and will contest the prize with you." "We hold thee and thy bow
+in scorn," said they; "shall a stripling like thee bear a bow before the
+king's archers, that is not able to draw the string?" "I'll lay a bet of
+twenty crowns," said Robin, "that I win the king's prize, and hit the
+mark at a hundred yards distance."
+
+    "Doubt not I'll make the wager good,
+    Or ne'er believe bold Robin Hood."
+
+The mark was a running hart, let loose for the purpose; and when the
+other bowmen had tried their skill, Robin took his bow, and his
+well-made arrows, and taking good aim, fairly hit the mark, at a hundred
+yards distance, the multitude shouted, and hailed the young victor with
+joy. "The prize is mine," said Robin Hood, "I claim it; the wager, too,
+is mine, give it me." "The prize is none of thine," said the fifteen
+foresters, "and the wager shall be none of thine. Take up thy bow,
+insolent boy, and begone, or we will break thy bones." Robin Hood, full
+of rage, cried out, "You said I was no archer, but you have found me
+one, and you now deny me my reward."
+
+He then took up his bow and departed, but having learnt which way the
+foresters must take at their return home, he repaired to the place where
+he had left his merry men, and, consulting together, they resolved to
+lie in ambush in the road. After a while they saw the foresters
+approaching, shouting and singing, because they had brought off the
+king's prize; but when Robin Hood and his men presented themselves in
+battle array, their mirth was quickly changed into terror and amazement.
+At first they made a show of resistance, but finding the number of their
+adversaries to be more than treble their own, they threw down their arms
+and begged for mercy. "You said I was no archer," cried Robin Hood; "now
+say so again, and let him that chooses it fly for his life, and see if
+my arrows can overtake him." "We beg for mercy," cried the foresters;
+"lo! here is the prize that you won, and the wager of twenty crowns."
+"Well," said Robin, "as you submit quietly, I will grant you your lives,
+but you shall not escape without some reward for your deeds." He and his
+men then stripped them of their clothes, leaving them no covering but
+their trousers, and having cut off their hair and their ears, daubed
+their faces with a mixture of yellow and red; afterwards they bound
+their hands, and tied a large pair of antlers on each of their heads,
+and in this most ridiculous state drove them back into the town,
+telling them if they offered to return they should not escape with their
+lives. As soon as they entered the streets the whole place was in an
+uproar, and, what with the barking of a hundred dogs, the squalling of
+women, and hooting of boys and men, there was such a hubbub as never
+before had been known in the town of Nottingham.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+     _Robin Hood and Little John. Being an Account of their
+            First Meeting, and how their Acquaintance
+        and Friendship began, with their Merry Reception in
+                         Sherwood Bower._
+
+
+When bold Robin Hood was about twenty years old he happened to meet with
+a jolly stranger, whom he afterwards called Little John. This man,
+though called little, was a lusty young blade; his limbs were large, and
+his person seven feet high. Wherever he went people quaked at his name,
+and he made all his enemies to fly before him. 'Twas thus their
+acquaintance began:--
+
+Robin and his men had built, in Sherwood Forest, a strong and secret
+bower, so artfully contrived and hidden among the woods, that none but
+themselves could ever find them out, and to which they retreated in
+cases of need. Here Robin once continued fourteen days with his merry
+bowmen, and then he said to them--"Tarry a while in this grove, my brave
+men; we have had no sport for these many long days, therefore, I will
+wander abroad a short way to seek some amusement. But do you be
+attentive, and hear whenever I blow an alarm with my loud bugle horn,
+for by this means I will let you know if I want your assistance."
+
+After he had strayed some time near a brook, he espied a tall and lusty
+stranger coming towards him. They happened to meet on a long, narrow
+wooden bridge, and neither of them would give way to let the other pass.
+Robin Hood at length, being enraged, drew an arrow from his quiver, and
+threatened to shoot at the stranger's breast. "You dare not," said the
+other, "for if you offer to touch the string, I'll beat out your teeth
+and tumble you into the brook. You see I have nothing but a staff in my
+hand, and none but a coward would offer to fight with weapons so
+different." "The name of a coward," said Robin, "I scorn; I will
+therefore lay aside my bow and arrows and take a stout staff to prove
+thy manhood." The stranger accepted the challenge, and the sport was
+quickly begun. At first Robin gave the man such a stroke that it made
+his sides ring. The other said, "I must pay you for this, friend, and
+give you as good as you send, for as long as I am able to handle a staff
+I scorn to die in your debt." He then gave Robin so hearty a knock on
+the crown, that the blood ran trickling down to his ears. Robin now
+engaged more fiercely, and laid on his blows so thick and fast, that he
+made his adversary's coat smoke as if it had been on fire; but the
+stranger waxing most furious and strong, at length gave Robin such a
+terrible side-blow, that it quite beat him down and tumbled him into the
+brook. Then, in laughter, he called out to his fallen foe, "Prithee,
+where art thou now, my good fellow!" "Why, faith," said Robin, "I swim
+with the tide, as every man should do." He now swam along to the bank,
+and pulled himself out by a thorn, and then said to the conqueror, "Thou
+art a brave soul, I will contend no longer with thee."
+
+He then took up his horn and blew such a blast with it as made the hills
+echo all around. Presently they saw coming hastily down the hillside a
+band of brave archers, clothed in a livery of green. They quickly came
+up to Robin Hood, and Will Stuckley (their leader) cried out, "Pray,
+what is the matter, good master? why, you seem wet to the skin!" "No
+matter for that," said Robin, "the man that stands by has, in fighting,
+tumbled me into the brook." "If that be the case," said his men, "he
+shall not escape without a good ducking in the same stream." "Not so,
+my brave men," said Robin Hood, "he is a stout, hearty fellow, that
+fought me fairly. My friend," said he to the stranger, "pray be not
+afraid, for no harm shall befall thee; all these are my bowmen, that
+come at my call, and if thou wilt live with me, and be one of them, thou
+shalt quickly put on such a dress as theirs; we will teach thee the use
+of the bow to shoot the fat deer, for we live gloriously, without any
+restraint, and fear not the laws." "Then here is my hand," replied the
+stranger, "I'll serve thee with a willing mind, for I perceive you are
+all brave, hearty fellows. My name is John Little, I am a man of some
+skill, and at all times will play my part well."
+
+"His name shall be altered," said Will Stuckley, "I like not the sound
+of John Little, his name shall be called Little John."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Robin Hood and the Butchers, with his Comical Behaviour
+                 to the Sheriff of Nottingham._
+
+
+One day as Robin Hood was taking his walk through the forest, he
+happened to behold a jolly butcher, sitting between his hampers, on a
+stout young mare, going to sell his meat at market. "Good morrow, honest
+fellow," said Robin; "prithee, what food hast thou in thy hampers, and
+from whence comest thou? for I seem to have a liking to thy company."
+The butcher replied, "No matter from whence I come, master, nor where I
+dwell; you may see that I am a butcher, and am going to Nottingham to
+sell my meat." "Wilt thou sell thy meat to me?" said Robin; "tell me the
+price of it altogether; also, what thou wilt have for the mare that
+carries thee, and all thy other accoutrements; we will not differ about
+the cost, for I would fain be a butcher for once." "The price of my meat
+and the price of my mare," said the butcher, "shall be twenty good
+marks; and I think they are nothing too dear." Robin agreed, and set
+out to Nottingham to begin his butcher's trade; and when he came
+thither, took up his inn next door to the sheriff's house. When other
+butchers began to open their shops he opened his; but was at a loss how
+to sell his meat, being so young a butcher; however he was determined
+not to be undersold, and he found customers plenty. When the other
+butchers could not sell a joint Robin's trade went on briskly, and no
+butcher could match him; for he sold more meat for one penny than others
+could do for five. He sold his meat so fast that the butchers of
+Nottingham were at a stand to know who this bold fellow was. "Surely,"
+said they, "he is some prodigal that has sold his father's land; and is
+thus sporting away his money." They then, stepped up to him to make
+acquaintance. "Come, brother," said they, "we are all of one trade, let
+us go and dine together; the sheriff has provided a treat for the
+butchers to-day; and you must go with us." "Agreed," said bold Robin,
+"may that butcher be hanged that can deny the request of his brethren."
+
+After dinner the sheriff said to Robin, "Hast thou any cattle or horned
+beasts to sell, my good fellow? if thou hast I would fain buy them of
+thee." "Yes, that I have, Master Sheriff," said Robin; "I have eight or
+ten score of horned beasts that I long to have sold, and they are fat
+and fair." The sheriff then saddled his dappled grey horse and set out
+with Robin Hood to behold his horned cattle, taking with him plenty of
+gold to complete his bargain. When they came to Sherwood Forest the
+sheriff began to be apprehensive of some danger, and trembled for fear,
+saying, "Heaven defend us from a wonderful bold man that is called Robin
+Hood, who plays a thousand wicked pranks in this country, and empties
+the pockets of every rich man he meets." They had not gone much farther
+before they beheld an hundred head of fat deer that came tripping along
+the road; and then Robin cried out, "Look here, Master Sheriff, behold
+my herd of horned beasts; how like you their colour and their make?
+they seem fat and fair to the eye." "What dost thou mean, fellow?" said
+the sheriff; "I wish I was safe out of this forest, for I like not thy
+company." "Then will you not buy?" said Robin Hood; "however, since you
+came hither to buy my cattle, you must pay whether you take them or
+not." He then put his horn to his mouth and blew a loud blast with it.
+Quickly Little John and his company appeared, and said, "Pray, what is
+your pleasure, good master?" Said Robin, "I have brought the sheriff of
+Nottingham to eat with you to-day, and I hope you will make him right
+welcome." "He is welcome, kind master," said John; "but I hope he will
+honestly pay for cooking." Robin now bade the sheriff dismount, and,
+taking his mantle from his back, quickly told out his gold; then he took
+him to his bower and feasted him well; afterwards he set him again on
+his dapple grey horse and brought him back through the wood. "Commend me
+to your wife at home, my kind sir," said Robin; so he turned and went
+laughing away.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Robin Hood and Allen Adale, with his Generous Behaviour
+                    to Two Distressed Lovers._
+
+
+As bold Robin Hood one day was standing in the forest just under the
+green oaken tree, he espied a gallant young man, clothed in scarlet and
+white, as gay as a lark, who came tripping along the road singing a
+roundelay. He seemed in great haste and quickly was out of sight. Next
+morning as Robin Hood stood in the same place he beheld the same young
+man coming over the plain, but his carriage was totally changed; he now
+passed slowly along and his head hung drooping upon his breast. Little
+John stepped towards him, to know who he was, but when the young man saw
+him coming he bent his bow and said, "Stand off, thou bold forester;
+what wouldest thou have with me?" "You must come before our master," he
+replied, "who is standing under the green oaken tree; come without delay
+and no harm shall befall thee." And when he was come before Robin Hood,
+Robin said to him, "Hast thou any money to spare for my merry men and
+me? Come, answer without fear." "Indeed I have no money to spare," said
+the young man; "I have but five shillings and a little gold ring, and
+this ring I have kept for these seven long years to present to my bride
+on my wedding day. Yesterday I should have married the maid that I love,
+but she was chosen to be an old knight's wife, and taken from me by
+force; therefore my heart is nearly broken?"
+
+Robin Hood now set out, with fifty stout archers in his train, nor did
+they stop till they came near to the church where Allen should have been
+married. He then concealed his men while he went boldly into the church.
+"What dost thou here, bold man?" said the bishop. "I am a merry harper,"
+said Robin, "as good as any in the north." "O, welcome then," said the
+bishop, "for that music is my delight." Presently there came in a
+wealthy old knight leading a young damsel by the hand, of a fair though
+sorrowful countenance, dressed in her glittering attire. "This is not a
+fit match," said bold Robin Hood, "the bridegroom is much too old and
+uncomely; but since I am here, and the bride is prepared, she shall now
+choose her own mate."
+
+Robin then applied the horn to his mouth, and blew twice and thrice with
+it, at the sound of which his fifty stout bowmen came leaping over the
+churchyard, and the first man was Allen Adale, who gave bold Robin his
+bow. "This is thy true lover," said Robin; "come, take her, and be
+married before we depart." "That never shall be," said the bishop; "thy
+speech is too bold, and the law of our country requires that they be
+three times asked in the church." Robin Hood then pulled off the
+bishop's rich apparel, and put it upon Little John, and made him appear
+like a priest. "By my faith," said Robin, laughing, "that clothing
+becomes thee well; thou now lookest like a man and a bishop; therefore
+begin thy office." When Little John went to the desk the people began to
+laugh and seemed to enjoy the joke; he asked them full seven times over
+to make the banns sure, lest three times should not be enough. "Who
+gives this fair maid to Allen Adale for a wife?" said Little John. "I
+give her to him with all my heart," said Robin Hood, "and he that dare
+to oppose, or take her away from her spouse, shall buy her dearly."
+
+Thus ended this merry wedding, and the new married pair returned with
+Robin Hood to Sherwood bower.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Robin Hood and his Kinsman. Showing how he met and
+         fought with a Stranger, who afterwards proved to
+                       be his Cousin Scarlet._
+
+
+As Robin walked about the forest one day he met with a comely young man,
+dressed in a doublet of silk, with scarlet hose, travelling boldly along
+with a stout bow in his hand. A herd of fat deer happened to be feeding
+not far distant, which, when the stranger saw, he bent his bow, and shot
+the best of them through the heart. "Well shot, well shot," said Robin
+Hood, "thy aim was good and sure; I like a bold archer well; and if thou
+wilt be one of my comrades, and live in my bower, I will treat thee with
+noble entertainment, and pay thee well besides." "Go, talk with thy
+grandame," said the stranger, "and make no such wild offers to me, or
+else I shall use thee somewhat rudely." "Thou hadst better be quiet,"
+said Robin, "for if thou shouldest offer to make an assault, thou wilt
+dearly repent of the deed; my arm is not weak, and thou mayest see that
+I carry a bow; besides, though I am now alone, should I blow an alarm
+with my loud bugle-horn, I should quickly have at my command a hundred
+brave men." "I defy all thy power," said the other, "and if thou
+offerest to touch thy horn, my good broad-sword shall cut it in two, and
+strike thee to the dust." Bold Robin Hood then bent his stout bow, and
+stood ready to shoot at his foe. The stranger also took his strong bow
+and as readily stood on his guard. "Prithee, let us hold our hands,"
+said Robin Hood, "for if we attempt to shoot, one of us must infallibly
+die; let us now lay aside our bows and try each other's skill with
+bucklers and good broadswords." These rivals in skill then fought
+stoutly and boldly, and many a hard blow resounded upon their bucklers.
+They aimed their strong blows above and below, from the head to the
+feet, but neither of them could make the other give way. Robin Hood at
+length gave the stranger such a mighty stroke that it made the fire fly
+from his eyes, and almost deprived him of his senses. "I hope to give
+thee a blow," said the stranger, "that shall shame all the rest, and put
+an end to the fray." Then presently, taking good aim with his sword, he
+struck Robin upon the head with such force, that the blood soon appeared
+and ran trickling down his cheeks. "By my faith," said Robin Hood, "I
+must now beg for quarter; prithee, my brave fellow, tell me who thou
+art, and what is thy name, for I love and respect a brave man." The
+stranger answered, "I was born and bred in the town of Maxfield, and my
+name is Gamewell; I am forced to fly from home and to hide myself for
+having killed my father's steward, who had falsely accused me; and I
+came to this forest to seek a bold uncle of mine, who goes by the name
+of bold Robin Hood." "Art thou then a cousin of bold Robin Hood's?"
+answered he; "had I known it before, our fight would have been sooner
+done." "On my life," said the stranger, "I am his first kin, and son to
+his mother's second brother, who now lives at court with the king, and
+for gallant deeds he performed in Palestine he is soon to be made a
+noble peer." When Robin heard this he embraced him with great joy, and
+soon let him know that he himself was his uncle Robin Hood. They then
+set out for the green shady bower, and met Little John by the way.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Robin Hood and Bishop of Hereford. Robin Hood in
+    Distress changes Clothes with an old Woman to Escape from
+        the Bishop, whom he afterwards takes Prisoner, and
+                     obliges him to sing Mass._
+
+
+Robin Hood and all his men were now outlawed, because they had broken
+the forest laws (which were very severe), and had killed the king's fat
+deer.
+
+As Robin walked out one fine summer's day, when the fields were pleasant
+and green, and the birds sang sweetly in the bushes, he was tempted to
+wander beyond the skirts of the forest, far away from his bower; and as
+he was thinking of going back he was espied by the proud bishop of
+Hereford, who was passing along with a great company. "Oh, what shall I
+now do?" said Robin to himself. "If the bishop should take me I shall be
+hanged without mercy." Then Robin turned nimbly about and ran with full
+speed to the house of an old woman whom he knew. "Good woman," said
+Robin, "I pray you let me in, for yonder is the bishop and all his men,
+and if I am taken, I must die." "Why, who art thou," said the old woman,
+"that comest hither in such a fright?" "I am Robin Hood," he replied;
+"canst thou not recollect me?" "I think I now do," said the old woman,
+"and if thou art even Robin Hood, I will provide for thy safety and hide
+thee from the proud bishop and his company." "Then give me thy gown and
+thy female attire," said Robin, "and put thee on my livery of green:
+give me also thy distaff and spindle, and take my arrows and bow."
+
+When Robin Hood was thus arrayed he went forth without fear, and
+returned to his men in the wood. When Little John saw him thus dressed,
+coming over the forest, he cried, "Behold, who is yonder, that seems
+approaching this way; the old woman looks like a witch, and I will send
+an arrow to meet her." "Hold thy hand, hold thy hand," said Robin Hood,
+"I am thy master in disguise, and this habit I was forced to put on to
+escape from a strong enemy who had me in chase."
+
+Now, in the meantime, the bishop went to the old woman's house, and with
+a loud, furious voice, cried, "Bring that traitor, Robin Hood, that I
+may take him along with me and make him pay the forfeit of all his bad
+deeds." The old woman then came out dressed like Robin, and the bishop
+placed her upon a grey steed, while he rode along laughing for joy that
+he had seized upon bold Robin Hood. But as they were riding through the
+forest in which their road lay, the bishop espied a hundred tall men,
+stout and brave, coming out of the wood, with their arrows in their
+hands. "Oh, who are all these bowmen?" said the bishop, "and who is that
+man that leads them towards us so boldly?" "In good faith," said the old
+woman, "I think it is bold Robin Hood." "Then who art thou," said the
+bishop, trembling with fear. "I am only a poor old woman, proud bishop,"
+said she: "hast thou any occasion for me now?" Robin Hood coming up,
+took the bishop by the hand, and placing him upon the stump of a tree
+made him tune his voice and sing a full mass to all the company;
+afterwards they brought him through the wood, and having set him upon
+his horse with his face towards the tail, they charged him for ever
+after to pray for Robin Hood, and putting the tail in his hand, bid him
+begone.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _Robin Hood and the Three Yeomen. Robin delivers Three
+       Yeomen from Nottingham Gallows, who were going
+            to be Hanged for Killing the King's Deer._
+
+
+As Robin Hood wandered about the fields one day he met a fair lady who
+came weeping along the road in great distress. "Oh, why do you weep so
+pitifully," said Robin, "and what is the cause of your great distress?"
+"I weep," she replied, "for the sorrowful fate of three brothers, the
+bravest and dearest of men, who are all condemned to die." "What church
+have they robbed?" said Robin, "or what parish priest have they killed?
+or have they in treason been caught against the rightful king?" "Woe is
+me!" said the lady, "for my brothers must die, and only for killing the
+king's fallow deer." "They shall not die," said bold Robin Hood;
+"therefore go your way quickly home, and I will hasten to Nottingham for
+the sake of your three hapless brothers."
+
+Robin Hood then set out to Nottingham, and in his way met with a poor
+beggar man, who came walking slowly and mournfully along the highway.
+"What news, my old man?" said Robin, "what news dost thou bring from the
+town?" "Oh! there is weeping and wailing in Nottingham town," cried the
+old beggar man, "for the sake of three yeomen who are condemned to die,
+for they are greatly beloved."
+
+The beggar had a tattered old coat upon his back which was neither
+green, yellow, nor red, but some of every colour; and Robin Hood thought
+it would be no disgrace, for once, to be in the beggar's dress. "Come,
+pull off thy coat, my old beggar," said he, "and thou shalt put on mine,
+and thirty shillings beside I will give thee to buy bread and beer."
+When Robin was thus arrayed, away he went to the town, and when he came
+thither he soon found the sheriff and his men, and likewise the three
+sorrowful yeomen who were going to die. "One favour I humbly beg," said
+bold Robin Hood to the sheriff, "that I may be the hangman when the
+three yeomen are to die." "'Tis granted with free goodwill," said the
+sheriff; "therefore go and prepare thyself for thine office, for they
+have but few hours to live."
+
+Robin then returned to his brave band of archers, whom he brought and
+placed in ambush near the field where the gallows was fixed; afterwards
+going again to the sheriff, the three yeomen were led to the appointed
+spot. "Now, begin thine office, my jolly hangman," said the sheriff,
+"for these yeomen no longer must live; and thou shalt have all their
+good clothing, and all their money besides."
+
+Then Robin mounted the gallows, with his horn in his hand, and he made
+it sound loud and shrill, when quickly came marching over the field a
+hundred and more of his faithful bowmen, all clothed in green. "Whose
+men are all these," said the sheriff, "that come marching so boldly this
+way?" "Oh, these are all Robin Hood's men," said he, "and they are come
+to fetch me, and likewise to take the three yeomen, who are going to
+die." "Oh, take them, pray take them, without more ado," said the
+sheriff; "for there is not a man in all Nottingham that can do the like
+of thee."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _Robin Hood and the Tinker of Banbury._
+
+
+In summer time when the leaves were green and birds sang merrily upon
+every tree, Robin Hood set out to Nottingham in disguise, and as he went
+along the road he overtook a jolly tinker. Robin greeted him kindly, and
+after some discourse, said, "Tell me whence thou comest, my jolly
+fellow, and in what town thou wast bred, for I hear there is sad news in
+Nottingham, and when thou knowest it thou may not choose to go thither."
+"I come from Banbury," said the other, "where I was born and bred, and
+am a tinker by trade; now tell me the news thou hast heard." "My news is
+only this," said Robin, "two tinkers were yesterday set in the stocks
+for drinking ale and strong beer." "If that be all," said the tinker, "I
+value not your news a farthing; for in drinking good ale and beer I am
+sure never to be outdone, and resolve to have my share; and if I may
+judge by your looks, you often take a good part." "Now," said Robin
+Hood, "tell me what news has come to thy ears, for, as thou travellest
+from town to town, thou canst never be in want of good stories." "All
+the news that I lately have heard," said the tinker, "relates to a bold
+outlaw who is called Robin Hood; the king has given out warrants to
+apprehend him, and I have one in my pocket to take him, whenever I can
+find him; and if thou canst tell me where he is, and assist me to seize
+him, it will make us rich men, for a hundred pounds, or more, will be
+our reward." "Let me see the warrant," said Robin, "that I may know if
+it be good, and I will do the best that I can to assist thee in taking
+him this very night." "My warrant I shall not let thee see," said the
+tinker, "for I dare not trust it out of my hand."
+
+As soon as they came to Nottingham they went to a good inn, and calling
+for strong ale and wine, the tinker drank so much that he forgot what he
+had to do, so that at night Robin made haste away, taking the tinker's
+warrant, and left him in the lurch to pay all the reckoning. When the
+tinker awoke in the morning and found that his comrade was gone, he
+called for the host and said, "I had a warrant from the king that might
+have done me good, for it was to take a bold outlaw called Robin Hood;
+but now my warrant is stolen away from me, and I have not money enough
+to pay the score, for the man that came with me last night is fled away;
+therefore tell me what I have got to pay, and I will leave my tools with
+thee in pledge till I return."
+
+The tinker then went his way, and soon learnt in the town that the only
+way to find out bold Robin Hood was to seek him in the parks, killing
+the king's deer. Away then he went, and made no delay till he found
+Robin Hood chasing the deer through the woods. "What bold knave is
+that," said Robin, "that comes so freely to hinder my sport." "No knave
+am I," cried the tinker, "and that you soon will know to your cost;
+which of us have done wrong my crab-tree shall decide." The tinker and
+Robin then fought manfully, and the fray lasted three hours, or more,
+but at length the tinker thrashed Robin's bones so sore, that he made
+him cry out for peace. "One favour I have to beg," said Robin Hood, "and
+I pray thee to grant it me." "The only favour I will grant," said the
+tinker, "is to hang thee on a tree." But while the tinker turned round,
+Robin blew his horn, at the sound of which Little John and Will Scarlet
+quickly appeared, and said, "What is the matter, dear master, that you
+look so forlorn?" "Here is a tinker standing by," said Robin, "that has
+thrashed my bones sore." When they heard this they were going to seize
+him by the throat, but Robin said, "Let our quarrel now cease, that
+henceforth we may be friends with the tinker, and he with us; and if he
+will consent to be one of us, I will yearly give him fifty pounds, as
+long as he lives, which he may spend in the way which he likes best." So
+at last the tinker consented, and went along with them to their bower.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _Robin Hood's Death._
+
+
+And now I must bring my stories to a close, and the unhappy death of
+valiant Robin Hood.
+
+Robin fell ill, and because he required to be treated with skill, he
+went to Kirkley Abbey, where they sent for a monk to bleed him, and this
+monk being eager to get the reward that King Henry had set upon Robin
+Hood's head, most treacherously bled him to death.
+
+Thus he that never feared a sword or a bow, or any man that lived, was
+basely killed, in letting of blood, and died without a friend to close
+his eyes. As soon as his men heard of his death they were filled with
+grief and dismay, and fled away in haste. Some of them crossed the seas
+and went to Flanders, some to France, and some to Spain and Rome.
+
+    Robin, Earl of Huntingdon,
+    Lies underneath this marble stone;
+    No archer ever was so good--
+    His name it was bold ROBIN HOOD.
+    Full thirty years, and something more,
+    These northern parts he vexed sore.
+    Such outlaws as he, in any reign,
+    May England never see again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                      HISTORY OF
+
+                     DR. FAUSTUS
+
+                       SHOWING
+
+    His wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+       to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+       what he pleased, also many strange things done by him
+       with the assistance of
+
+                     MEPHISTOPHELES.
+
+    With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+       twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Dr. Faustus' birth and education, with an account of his
+                      falling from the Scriptures._
+
+
+Dr. John Faustus was born in Germany. His father was a poor labouring
+man, not able to bring up his son John; but he had a brother in the same
+country, who was a very rich man, but had never a child, and took a
+great fancy to his cousin, and he resolved to make a scholar of him; and
+in order thereunto, put him to the Latin school, where he took his
+learning extraordinary well. Afterwards he put him to the University to
+study divinity; but Faustus could in no ways fancy that employment;
+wherefore he betook himself to the studying of that which his
+inclination is most for, viz., necromancy and conjuration, and in a
+little time few or none could outstrip him in the art. He also studied
+divinity, of which he was made Doctor; but within a short time fell into
+such deep fancies and cogitations that he resolved to throw the
+Scriptures from him, and betake himself wholly to the studying of
+necromancy and conjuration, charms and soothsaying, witchcraft, and the
+like.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Dr. Faustus conjured up the Devil, making him appear
+                         at his own house._
+
+
+Faustus, whose mind was to study conjuration, the which he followed
+night and day, he took the wings of an eagle, and endeavoured to fly
+over the world, to see and know all the secrets of heaven and earth; so
+that in a short time he attained power to command the Devil to appear
+before him when he pleased. One day as Dr. Faustus was walking in a wood
+near to Wurtemberg, in Germany, he having a friend with him who was
+desirous to know of the doctor's art, he desired him to let him see if
+he could then and there bring Mephistopheles before him; all which the
+doctor immediately did, and the devil upon the first call made such a
+noise in the wood as if heaven and earth would have come together; then
+the devil made such a roaring as if the wood had been full of wild
+beasts. The doctor made a circle for the devil, the which circle the
+devil ran round, making a noise as if ten thousand waggons had been
+running upon paved stones. After this it thundered and lightened, as if
+the whole world had been on fire. Faustus and his friend, amazed at this
+noise, and the devil's long tarrying, thought to leave his circle;
+whereupon he made him such music, the like was never heard in the world.
+This so ravished Faustus that he began again to conjure Mephistopheles
+in the name of the prince of the devils to appear in his own likeness;
+whereupon in an instant hung over his head a mighty dragon. Faustus
+calls again after his former manner, after which there was a cry in the
+wood as if hell had opened, and all the tormented souls had been there.
+Faustus, in the meanwhile, asked the devil many questions, and commanded
+him to show many diabolical tricks.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Mephistopheles came to Dr. Faustus' house, and what
+                   happened between them._
+
+
+Faustus commanded the spirit to meet him at his house by ten of the
+clock the next day. At the hour appointed he came into his chamber
+asking Faustus what he would have. Faustus told him it was his will and
+pleasure to conjure him to be obedient to him in all points of those
+articles, viz.:--
+
+First, That the spirit should serve him in all things he asked, from
+that time till his death.
+
+Secondly, Whatsoever he would have, he should bring him.
+
+Thirdly, Whatsoever he desired to know, he should tell him.
+
+The spirit answered him and said he had no such power of himself, until
+he had acquainted his prince that ruled over him. "For," said he, "we
+have rulers over us that send us out, and command us home when they
+please; and we can act no further than our power is, which we receive
+from Lucifer, who, you know, for his pride, was thrust out of heaven.
+But," saith the spirit, "I am not to tell you any more except you make
+yourself over to us."
+
+Whereupon Faustus said, "I will have my request? but yet I will not be
+damned with you." Then said the spirit, "You must not, nor shall not
+have your desire, and yet thou art mine, and all the world cannot save
+thee out of my hands." Then said Faustus, "Get thee hence, and I conjure
+thee that thou come to me at night." The spirit then vanished. Faustus
+then began to consider how he might obtain his desire, and not give his
+soul to the devil.
+
+And while Faustus was in these his devilish cogitations night drew on,
+and this hellish spirit appeared to Faustus, acquainting him that now he
+had got orders from his prince to be obedient to him, and to do for him
+whatsoever he desired, provided he would promise to be his, and withal
+to acquaint him first what he would have of him? Faustus replied that
+his desire was to become a spirit, and that Mephistopheles should be
+always, at his command; that whatsoever he called for him, he shall
+appear invisible to all men, and that he should appear in what shape he
+pleased, to which the spirit answered that all his desires should be
+granted if he would sign those articles he should wish or ask for.
+Whereupon Dr. Faustus withdrew and stabbed his wrist, receiving the
+blood in a small saucer, which cooled so fast, as if it forewarned him
+of the hellish act he was going to commit; nevertheless he put it over
+embers to warm it, and wrote as follows:--
+
+     "I, John Faustus, approved doctor of divinity, with my own hand do
+     acknowledge and testify myself to become a servant to Lucifer,
+     Prince of Septentrional and Oriental, and to him I freely and
+     voluntarily give both soul; in consideration for the space of
+     twenty-four years, if I be served in all things which I shall
+     require, or which is reasonable by him to be allowed; at the
+     expiration of which time from the date ensuing, I give to him all
+     power to do with me at his pleasure; to rule to retch and carry me
+     where he pleases body and soul. Hereupon I defy God and Christ, and
+     the hosts of angels and good spirits, all living creatures that
+     bear his shape, or on whom his image is imprinted; and to the
+     better strengthening the validity of this covenant and firm
+     agreement between us, I have writ it with my blood, and subscribe
+     my name to it, calling all the powers and infernal potentates to
+     witness it is my true intent and meaning."       JOHN FAUSTUS.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _What happened to Faustus after the signing of the articles._
+
+
+When Faustus had made an end of his writing he called Mephistopheles to
+him, and delivered him the bond; whereupon the spirit told, him if he
+did not repent of what he had done, he should enjoy all the pleasure
+his thoughts could form, and that he would immediately divert him. He
+caused a kennel of hounds to run down a hart in the hall, and vanished;
+then a bull danced before Faustus, also there was a lion and a bear,
+which fell to fighting before Faustus, and the lion destroyed the bear;
+after that came a dragon and destroyed the lion. And this, with
+abundance of more pastime, did the spirit present to the doctor's view,
+concluding with all manner of music, with some hundreds of spirits,
+which came and danced before Faustus. After the music was over, and
+Faustus began to look about him, he saw ten sacks full of silver, which
+he went to dispose of, but could not, for none could handle it but
+himself, it was so hot. This pastime so pleased Faustus, that he gave
+Mephistopheles the will that he had made, and kept a copy of it in his
+own hands. The spirit and Faustus being agreed, they dwelt together, and
+the devil was in their house-keeping, for there was never anything given
+away to poor, which before Faustus made this contract was frequently
+done, but the case is now altered.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _How Faustus served the Duke of Bavaria._
+
+
+Faustus having sold his soul to the devil, it was reported among his
+neighbours, so that none would keep him company but his spirit playing
+merry tricks for to please him. Not far from Faustus' house lived the
+Duke of Bavaria, the Duke of Saxony, and the Bishop of Salisburgh, whose
+houses and cellars Mephistopheles used to visit, and to bring the best
+of everything they had. One day the Duke of Bavaria invited most of the
+gentry of the country to dinner, for whose entertainment there was
+abundance of provision got ready. The gentry being come, and ready to
+sit down to dinner, in an instant Mephistopheles came and took all away
+with him, leaving them full of admiration. If any time Faustus had a
+mind for wild fowl, the spirit would call whole flocks in at a window;
+also the spirit did teach Faustus to do the like so that no lock nor key
+could keep them out. The devil also taught Faustus to fly in the air,
+and to act many things that are incredible and too large for this small
+book to contain.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How Dr. Faustus dreamed of Hell in his Sleep and what he
+    saw there._
+
+
+After Faustus had a long conference with his spirit concerning the fall
+of Lucifer, and the state and condition of all the fallen angels, he, in
+a vision or dream, saw hell and all the devils and souls that were
+tormented there; he saw hell divided into several cells, or deep holes;
+and for every cell, or deep ward, there was a devil appointed to punish
+those that were under his custody. Having seen this sight, he much
+marvelled at it; and at that time Mephistopheles being with him, he
+asked him what sort of people they were that lay in the first dark pit;
+then Mephistopheles told him they were those who pretended themselves to
+be physicians, and who had poisoned many thousands to try practice; "and
+now," saith the spirit, "they have just the same administered to them
+which they gave to others, though not with the same effect, for they
+will never die here," saith he. Over their heads was a shelf laden with
+gallipots full of poison. Having passed them he came to a long entry
+exceeding dark where there was a mighty crowd. He asked him what those
+were? and the spirit told him they were pick-pockets, who loved to be in
+a crowd, when they were in the other world, and to content them they put
+them in a crowd there. Amongst them were some padders on the highway,
+and those of that function. Walking farther he saw many thousands of
+vintners, and some millions of tailors, in so much that they could not
+feel where to get stowage for them; a great number of pastry cooks with
+peels on their heads. Walking farther, the spirit opening a great cellar
+door, from which arose a terrible noise, he asked what they were. The
+spirit told him they were witches, and those who had been pretended
+saints in the other world; but how they did squabble, fight, and tear
+one another! Not far from them lay the whoremongers and adulterers, who
+made such a hideous noise that he was very much startled. Walking down a
+few steps he espied an incredible number almost hid with smoke. He asked
+what they were? The spirit told him they were millers and bakers; but
+good lack, what a noise was there among them! The millers crying to the
+bakers, and the bakers crying to the millers for help, but all was in
+vain, for there was none to help them. Passing on still farther, he saw
+thousands of shopkeepers, some of whom he knew, who were tormented for
+defrauding and cheating their customers. Having taken this prospect of
+hell, the spirit Mephistopheles took him in his arms, and carried him
+home to his own house, when he awaking, he was amazed at what he saw in
+his dream. So being come to himself, he asked the spirit in what place
+hell was, and who made it? Mephistopheles answered, "Knowest thou, that
+before the fall of Lucifer, there was no hell, but upon his fall was
+hell ordained. As for the substance of hell, we devils do not know. It
+is the wrath of God that makes hell so furious, and what we procured by
+our fall; but where hell is, or how it is governed, and whatsoever thou
+desirest to know, when thou comest there thou shalt be satisfied as far
+as we know ourselves."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Containing some Tricks of Dr. Faustus._
+
+
+Dr. Faustus having attained the desire of his spirit, had now full power
+to act or do anything whatever he pleased. Upon a time the Emperor had a
+desire to see him, and likewise some of the doctor's tricks; whereupon
+he was requested by the Emperor to do somewhat to make him merry; but
+the doctor in the meanwhile looking around him he at last espied a great
+lord looking out at a window, and the doctor calling his spirit to help
+him, he in an instant fastened a large pair of horns upon the lord's
+head, that he could not get his head in till Faustus took off the horns
+again, which were soon taken off invisibly. The lord whom Faustus served
+so was extremely vexed, and resolved to be revenged on the doctor, and
+to that end lay a mile out of town for Faustus' passing by, he being
+that day to depart for the country. Faustus coming by a wood side,
+beheld that lord mounted upon a mighty warlike horse, who ran full drift
+against Faustus, who, by the assistance of his spirit, took him and all,
+and carried before the Emperor's palace, and grafted a pair of horns on
+his head as big as an ox's, which he could never be rid of, but wore
+them to his dying day.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Faustus ate a load of Hay._
+
+
+Faustus upon a time having many doctors and masters of arts with him,
+went to walk in the fields, where they met with a load of hay. "How now,
+good fellow," saith Faustus, "what shall I give thee to fill my belly
+with hay?" The clown thought he had been a madman to talk of eating hay,
+told him he should fill his belly for one penny, to which the doctor
+agreed, and then fell to eating, and quickly devouring half of the load;
+at which the doctor's companions laughed, to see how simply the poor
+country fellow looked, and to hear how heartily he prayed the doctor to
+forbear. So Faustus pitying the poor man, went away, and before the man
+got near his house all the hay was in the cart that the doctor had
+eaten, which made the country fellow very much admire.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How he struck a parcel of Students, who were fighting
+     together, blind; and how he served a parcel of Clowns
+           who were singing and ranting at an inn._
+
+
+Thirteen students meeting with seven more near Dr. Faustus' house, fell
+to, extremely, first in words and at last to blows. The thirteen being
+too hard for the seven, and Dr. Faustus looking out at his window and
+seeing the fray, and how much they were overmatched, conjured them all
+blind, so that the one could not see the other, and in this manner they
+fought one another, which made all that saw them laugh. At length the
+people parted them, and led them to their chambers, they instantly
+received their sight. The doctor coming into an inn with some friends,
+was disturbed by the hallowing and bawling of a parcel of drunken
+clowns, whereupon, when their mouths were wide open, he so conjured
+them, that by no means they could shut them again: and after they had
+stared one upon another, without being able to speak, thinking they were
+bewitched, they dropped away in a confused fear, one by one, and never
+could be got to the house afterwards.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Faustus helped a Young Man to a Fair Lady._
+
+
+There was a gallant young gentleman who was in love with a fair lady,
+living at Wurtemberg, near the doctor's house. This gentleman had long
+sought this lady in marriage, but could not attain his desire, and
+having placed his affections so much upon her, he was ready to pine
+away, and had certainly died with grief, had he not made his address to
+the doctor, to whom he opened the whole matter. Now no sooner had the
+gentleman told his cause to the doctor, but he told him that he need not
+be afraid, for his desire should be fulfilled, and that he should have
+her whom he so much desired, and that this gentlewoman should have none
+but him, which was accordingly done, for the doctor so changed her mind
+that she could think of nothing else but him whom before she hated; and
+Faustus' desire was this: He gave him an enchanted ring which he ordered
+him to put into the lady's hand, or to slip it on her finger, which he
+did; and no sooner had she got the ring than her heart burned with love
+to him. She, instead of frowns, could do nothing but smile upon him,
+and not be at rest till she asked him if he thought he could love her,
+and make her his wife? He gladly answered with all his heart. So they
+were married the next day, and all by the help of Dr. Faustus.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _How Faustus made Seven Women dance naked in the Market-place._
+
+
+Faustus walking in the market-place, saw seven women sitting all in a
+row, selling eggs, butter, etc. Of every one he bought something and
+departed. No sooner was he gone but all the eggs and butter were gone
+out of their baskets, and they knew not how. At last they were told that
+Dr. Faustus had conjured their goods away. They thereupon ran speedily
+to the doctor's house, and so demanded satisfaction for the ware. He
+resolving to make himself and the town's people merry by his conjuring
+art, made them return to their baskets naked as ever they were born; and
+having danced a while in the market-place every one's goods were
+conjured into their baskets again, and they set at liberty.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _How Faustus served a Country Fellow who was driving Swine._
+
+
+Dr. Faustus, as he was going to Wurtemberg, overtook a country fellow
+driving a hundred swine, who were very headstrong, some running one way
+and some another; so that the driver could not tell how to get them
+drove along. The doctor taking notice of it, so by his conjuring art he
+made every one of them dance upon their two hind legs, with a fiddle in
+one of their fore feet, and with the other fore foot they played upon
+the fiddle, and so they danced and fiddled all the way until they came
+into Wurtemberg market, the driver of them dancing all the way before
+them, which made the people wonder. After the doctor had satisfied
+himself with the spirit he conjured all of the fiddles away, and the
+driver then offered them for sale, and quickly sold them all, and took
+the money; but before he was gone out of the house Faustus had conjured
+all the hogs out of the market-place, and sent them all home to the
+driver's house. The man who bought them, seeing all the swine gone,
+stopped the man who sold them and would have his money, which he was
+forced to pay, and so returned home sorrowful, and not knowing what to
+do; but, to his great surprise, found all the swine in their sties.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _How Faustus begun to bethink himself of the near approach of his End._
+
+
+Faustus having spun out his twenty-four years, within a month or two,
+began to consider what he should do to cheat the devil, but could not
+find any way to prevent his miserable end, which was now near, whereupon
+he thus cries out to himself, "Oh! miserable wretch that I am, I have
+given myself to the devil for a few years' pleasure, and now I must pay
+full dear. I have had my desires; my filthy lusts I have satisfied, and
+I must be tormented for ever and ever."
+
+A neighbour of his, a very good old man, hearing of his way of living,
+in compassion to his soul came to him, and with tears in his eyes
+besought him to have more regard to his most precious soul, laying
+before him the promise of God's grace and mercy, freely offered to
+repenting sinners, and spake so feelingly that Faustus shed tears, and
+promised to him that he would try to repent. This good man was no sooner
+gone away than Mephistopheles found him pensive and on his bed. Now
+Mephistopheles mustering what had happened, began to reproach him with
+breach of covenant to his lord Lucifer, and thereupon almost twisted his
+neck behind him, which made him cry out very lamentable; in the meantime
+threatening to tear him to pieces unless he renewed his obligation,
+which for fear, with much sorrow he did, in a manner the same as the
+former, which he confirmed by the latter.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIV.
+
+    _How Dr. Faustus was warned of the Spirit to prepare for his End._
+
+
+Faustus' full time being come, the spirit appeared to him, and showed
+him his writing, and told him that the next night the devil would fetch
+him away, which made the doctor's heart to ache. But to divert himself,
+he sent for some doctors and master bachelors of arts, and other
+students to take dinner with him, for whom he provided great store of
+varieties, with music and the like. But all would not keep up his
+spirits, for the hour drew near; whereupon his countenance changing, the
+doctors and masters of arts inquired of him the reasons of his
+melancholiness? to which Faustus answered, "My friends, you have known
+me these many years, and how I have practised all manner of wickedness.
+I have been a great conjurer, which devilish art I obtained of the
+devil; and also to obtain power to do whatever I pleased I sold myself
+to the devil for twenty-four years' time, which full time being out this
+night, makes me full of horror. I have called you, my friends, to see
+this my dreadful end; and I pray let my miserable death be a warning to
+you all how you study the devilish art of conjuring; for if once you
+begin it, a thousand to one but it will lead you to the devil, whither I
+am this night to go, whether I will or not." They hearing of this sad
+story blamed him for concealing it so long, telling him if he had made
+them acquainted before that they thought it might have been prevented.
+He told them he had a desire several times to have disclosed this
+intrigue; but the devil told him that if he did he would presently fetch
+him away. He also told them he had a desire to join with the godly, and
+to leave off that wicked course; but immediately the devil used to come
+and torment him, etc. "But now," saith Faustus, "it is but in vain for
+me to talk of what I did intend, for I have sold myself to the devil;
+body and soul is his." No sooner had he spoken these words, but
+suddenly it fell a thundering and lightning, the like was never heard;
+whereupon Faustus went into the great hall, the doctors and masters
+staying in the next room intending to hear his end. About twelve o'clock
+the house shook so terribly that they thought it would have been down
+upon them, and suddenly the house windows were broken to pieces, so that
+they trembled and wished themselves elsewhere, whereupon a great clap of
+thunder, with a whirlwind the doors flew open, and a mighty rushing of
+wind entered with the hissing of serpents, shrieks and cries, upon which
+he lamentably cried out "Murder," and there was such roaring in the hall
+as if all the devils in hell had been there. When daylight appeared they
+took the boldness to enter into the room, and found his brains beaten
+out against the wall and the floor sprinkled with blood; but missing his
+body, they went in search of it, and found it on the dunghill mangled
+and mashed to pieces. So ended this miserable wretch's life, forsaking
+God and all goodness, and given up to his implacable enemy, which we
+hope may stand not only as a fearful, but lasting monument and warning
+to others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                      THE WHOLE
+
+                    LIFE AND DEATH
+
+                         OF
+
+                      LONG MEG
+
+                         OF
+
+                     WESTMINSTER.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _Where Meg was Born, her coming up to London, and
+           her Usage to the Honest Carrier._
+
+
+In the reign of Henry VIII. was born in Lancashire a maid called Long
+Meg. At eighteen years old she came to London to get her a
+service--Father Willis, the carrier, being the waggoner--and her
+neighbour brought her up with some other lasses. After a tedious
+journey, being in sight of the desired city, she demanded why they
+looked sad. "We have no money," said one, "to pay our fare." So Meg
+replies, "If that be all, I shall answer your demands," and this put
+them in some comfort. But as soon as they came to St. John's Street,
+Willis demanded their money. "Say what you will have," quoth she. "Ten
+shillings a piece," said he. "But we have not so much about us," said
+she. "Nay, then, I will have it out of your bones." "Marry, content,"
+replied Meg, and, taking a staff in her hand, so belaboured him and his
+man that he desired her for God's sake to hold her hand. "Not I," said
+she, "unless you bestow an angel on us for good luck, and swear e'er we
+depart to get us good addresses."
+
+The carrier, having felt the strength of her arm, thought it best to
+give her the money and promised not to go till he had got them good
+places.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _Of her being placed in Westminster, and what she did at
+                           her Place._
+
+
+The carrier, having set up his horses, went with the lasses to the Eagle
+in Westminster, and told the landlady he had brought her three fine
+Lancashire lasses; and seeing she often asked him to get her a maid, she
+might now take her choice. "Marry," said she, "I want one at present,
+and here are three gentlemen who shall give their opinions." As soon as
+Meg came in they blessed themselves, crying,
+
+     "Domine, Domine, viee Originem."
+
+So her mistress demanded what was her name. "Margaret, forsooth," said
+she briskly. "And what work can you do?" She answered she had not been
+bred unto her needle, but to hard labour, as washing, brewing, and
+baking, and could make a house clean. "Thou art," quoth the hostess, "a
+lusty wench, and I like thee well, for I have often persons that will
+not pay." "Mistress," said she, "if any such come let me know, and I'll
+make them pay I'll engage." "Nay, this is true," said the carrier, "for
+my carcase felt it;" and then he told them how she served him. On this
+Sir John de Castile, in a bravado, would needs make an experiment of her
+vast strength; and asked her "if she durst exchange a box o' the ear
+with him." "Yes," quoth she, "if my mistress will give me leave." This
+granted, she stood to receive Sir John's blow, who gave her a box with
+all his might, but it stirred her not at all; but Meg gave him such a
+memorandum on his ear that Sir John fell down at her feet. "By my
+faith," said another, "she strikes a blow like an ox, for she hath
+knocked down an ass." So Meg was taken into service.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _The method Meg took to make one of the Vicars pay his Score._
+
+
+Meg so bestirred herself that she pleased her mistress, and for her
+tallness was called Long Meg of Westminster.
+
+One of the lubbers of the Abbey had a mind to try her strength, so,
+coming with six of his associates one frosty morning, calls for a pot of
+ale, which, being drank, he asked what he owed. To which Meg answers,
+"Five shillings and threepence."
+
+"O thou foul scullion, I owe thee but three shillings and one penny, and
+no more will I pay thee." And, turning to his landlady, complained how
+Meg had charged him too much. "The foul ill take me," quoth Meg, "if I
+misreckon him one penny, and therefore, vicar, before thou goest out of
+these doors I shall make thee pay every penny;" and then she immediately
+lent him such a box on the ears as made him reel again. The vicar then
+steps up to her, and together both of them went by the ears. The vicar's
+head was broke, and Meg's clothes torn off her back. So the vicar laid
+hold of her hair, but, he being shaved, she could not have that
+advantage; so, laying hold of his ears and keeping his pate to the post,
+asked him how much he owed her. "As much as you please," said he. "So
+you knave," quoth she, "I must knock out of your bald pate my
+reckoning." And with that she began to beat a plain song between the
+post and his pate. But when he felt such pain he roared out he would pay
+the whole. But she would not let him go until he laid it down, which he
+did, being jeered by his friends.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _Of her fighting and conquering Sir James of Castile,
+                       a Spanish Knight._
+
+
+All this time Sir James continued his suit to Meg's mistress, but to no
+purpose. So, coming in one day and seeing her melancholy, asked what
+ailed her, for if anyone has wronged you I will requite you. "Marry,"
+quoth she, "a base knave in a white satin doublet has abused me, and if
+you revenge my quarrel I shall think you love me." "Where is he?" quoth
+Sir James. "Marry," said she, "he said he would be in St. George's
+Fields." "Well," quoth he, "do you and the doctor go along with me, and
+you shall see how I'll pummel the knave."
+
+Unto this they agreed, and sent Meg into St. George's Fields beforehand.
+"Yonder," said she, "walks the fellow by the windmill." "Follow me,
+hostess," said Sir James; "I will go to him." But Meg passed as if she
+would have gone by. "Nay, stay," said Sir James; "you and I part not so.
+I am this gentlewoman's champion, and fairly for her sake will have you
+by the ears." With that Meg drew her sword, and to it they went.
+
+At the first blow she hit him on the head, and often endangered him. At
+last she struck his weapon out of his hands, and, stepping up to him,
+swore all the world should not save him. "O save me, sir," said he; "I
+am a knight, and it is but a woman's matter; do not spill my blood."
+"Wert thou twenty knights," said Meg, "and was the king here himself, I
+would not spare thy life unless you grant me one thing." "Let it be what
+it will, you shall be obeyed." "Marry," said she, "that this night you
+wait on my plate at this woman's house and confess me to be your
+master."
+
+This being yielded to and a supper provided, Thomas Usher and others
+were invited to make up the feast, and unto whom Sir James told what had
+happened. "Pho!" said Usher jeeringly, "it is no such great dishonour
+for to be foiled by an English gentleman since Caesar the Great was
+himself driven back by their extraordinary courage." At this juncture
+Meg came in, having got on her man's attire. "Then," said Sir James,
+"this is that valiant gentleman whose courage I shall ever esteem."
+Hereupon, she pulling off her hat, her hair fell about her ears, and she
+said "I am no other than Long Meg of Westminster, and so you are
+heartily welcome."
+
+At this they all fell a-laughing. Nevertheless, at supper time,
+according to agreement, Sir James was a proper page; and she, having
+leave of her mistress, sat in state like her majesty. Thus Sir James was
+disgraced for his love, and Meg was counted a proper woman.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _Her Usage to the Bailiff of Westminster, who came into
+            her Mistress's and arrested her Friend._
+
+
+A bailiff, having for the purpose took forty shillings, arrested a
+gentleman in Meg's mistress's house, and desired the company to keep
+peace. She, coming in, asked what was the matter. "O," said he, "I'm
+arrested." "Arrested! and in our house? Why this unkind act to arrest
+one in our house; but, however, take an angel and let him go." "No,"
+said the bailiff, "I cannot, for the creditor is at the door." "Bid him
+come in," said she, "and I'll make up the matter." So the creditor came
+in; but, being found obstinate, she rapped him on the head with a quart
+pot and bid him go out of doors like a knave. "He can but go to prison,"
+quoth she, "where he shall not stay long if all the friends I have can
+fetch him out."
+
+The creditor went away with a good knock, and the bailiff was going with
+his prisoner. "Nay," said she, "I'll bring a fresh pot to drink with
+him." She came into the parlour with a rope, and, knitting her brows,
+"Sir Knave," said she, "I'll learn thee to arrest a man in our house.
+I'll make thee a spectacle for all catchpoles;" and, tossing the rope
+round his middle, said to the gentleman, "Sir, away, shift for yourself;
+I'll pay the bailiff his fees before he and I part." Then she dragged
+the bailiff unto the back side of the house, making him go up to his
+chin in a pond, and then paid him his fees with a cudgel, after which he
+went away with the amends in his hands, for she was so well beloved that
+no person would meddle with her.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Of her meeting with a Nobleman, and her Usage to
+                    him and to the Watch._
+
+
+Now it happened she once put on a suit of man's apparel. The same night
+it fell out that a young nobleman, being disposed for mirth, would go
+abroad to see the fashions, and, coming down the Strand, espies her;
+and, seeing such a tall fellow, asked him whither he was going. "Marry,"
+said she, "to St. Nicholas's to buy a calve's head." "How much money
+hast thou?" "In faith," said she, "little enough; will you lend me any?"
+"Aye," said he; and, putting his thumb into her mouth, said, "There's a
+tester." She gave him a good box on the ear, and said, "There's a groat;
+now I owe you twopence." Whereupon the nobleman drew, and his man too;
+and she was as active as they, so together they go. But she drove them
+before her into a little chandler's shop, insomuch that the constable
+came in to part the fray, and, having asked what they were, the nobleman
+told his name, at which they all pulled off their caps. "And what is
+your name?" said the constable. "Mine," said she, "is Cuthbert Curry
+Knave." Upon this the constable commanded some to lay hold on her and
+carry her to the compter. She out with her sword and set upon the watch,
+and behaved very resolutely; but the constable calling for clubs, Meg
+was forced to cry out, "Masters, hold your hands, I am your friend; hurt
+not Long Meg of Westminster." So they all stayed their hands, and the
+nobleman took them all to the tavern; and thus ended the fray.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _Meg goes a shroving, fights the Thieves of St. James's
+        Corner, and makes them restore Father Willis,
+                the Carrier, his hundred marks._
+
+
+Not only the cities of London and Westminster, but Lancashire also, rung
+of Meg's fame, so they desired old Willis, the carrier, to call upon
+her, which he did, taking with him the other lasses. Meg was joyful to
+see them, and it being Shrove Tuesday, Meg went with them to
+Knightsbridge, and spent most of the day with repeating tales of their
+friends in Lancashire; and so tarried the carrier, who again and again
+inquired how all did there, and made the time seem shorter than it was.
+The night growing on, the carrier and the two other lasses were
+importunate to be gone, but Meg was loath to set out, and so stayed
+behind to discharge the reckoning, and promised to overtake them.
+
+It was their misfortune at St. James's Corner to meet with two thieves
+who were waiting there for them, and took a hundred marks from Willis,
+the carrier, and from the two wenches their gowns and purses. Meg came
+up immediately after, and then the thieves, seeing her also in a female
+habit, thought to take her purse also; but she behaved herself so well
+that they began to give ground. Then said Meg, "Our gowns and purses
+against your hundred marks; win all and wear all." "Content," quoth
+they. "Now, lasses, pray for me," said Meg. With that she buckled with
+these two knaves, beat one and so hurt the other that they entreated her
+to spare their lives. "I will," said she, "upon conditions." "Upon any
+condition," said they. "Then," said she, "it shall be thus--
+
+    1. That you never hurt a woman nor any company she is in.
+    2. That you never hurt lame or impotent men.
+    3. That you never hurt any children or innocents.
+    4. That you rob no carrier of his money.
+    5. That you rob no manner of poor or distressed.
+
+"Are you content with these conditions?" "We are," said they. "I have no
+book about me," said she, "but will you swear on my smock tail?" which
+they accordingly did, and then she returned the wenches their gowns and
+purses, and old Father Willis, the carrier, a hundred marks.
+
+The men desiring to know who it was had so lustily beswinged them,
+said--"To alleviate our sorrow, pray tell us your name." She smiling
+replied--"If anyone asks you who banged your bones, say Long Meg of
+Westminster once met with you."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _Meg's Fellow Servant pressed; her Usage of the Constable;
+        and of her taking Press Money to go to Boulogne._
+
+
+In those days were wars between England and France, and a hot press
+about London. The constables of Westminster pressed Meg's fellow
+servant, and she told them if they took him her mistress was undone.
+
+All this could not persuade the constable, but Harry must go, on which
+she lent the constable a knock. Notice being given to the captain, he
+asked who struck him. "Marry," quoth Meg, "I did, and if I did not love
+soldiers I'd serve you so too." So, taking a cavalier from a man's hand,
+she performed the exercise with such dexterity that they wondered,
+whereupon she said--"Press no man, but give me press money and I will go
+myself." At this they all laughed, and the captain gave her an angel,
+whereupon she went with him to Boulogne.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _Of her Beating the Frenchman off the Walls of Boulogne, for
+        which gallant behaviour she is rewarded by the King
+                 with Eightpence per Day for Life._
+
+
+King Henry, passing the seas, took Boulogne. Hereupon the Dauphin with a
+great number of men surprised and retook it. Meg, being a laundress in
+the town, raised the best of the women; and, with a halberd in her hand,
+came to the walls, on which some of the French had entered, and threw
+scalding water and stones at them that she often obliged them to quit
+the town before the soldiers were up in arms. And at the sally she came
+out the foremost with her halberd in her hand to pursue the chase.
+
+The report of this deed being come to the ears of the king, he allowed
+her for life eightpence a day.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _Of her fighting and beating a Frenchman before Boulogne._
+
+
+During this she observed one who in a bravado tossed his pike. She,
+seeing his pride, desired a drum to signify that a young soldier would
+have a push at pike with him. It was agreed on, and the place appointed
+life against life.
+
+On the day the Frenchman came, and Meg met him, and without any salute
+fell to blows; and, after a long combat, she overcame him, and cut off
+his head. Then, pulling off her hat, her hair fell about her ears.
+
+By this the Frenchman knew it was a woman, and the English giving a
+shout, she, by a drummer, sent the Dauphin his soldier's head, and said,
+"An English woman sent it."
+
+The Dauphin much commended her, sending her a hundred crowns for her
+valour.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Of her coming to England and being Married._
+
+
+The wars in France being over, Meg came to Westminster and married a
+soldier, who, hearing of her exploits, took her into a room, and, making
+her strip to her petticoat, took one staff and gave her another, saying,
+"As he had heard of her manhood, he was determined to try her." But Meg
+held down her head, whereupon he gave her three or four blows, and she
+in submission fell down upon her knees desiring him to pardon her.
+"For," said she, "whatever I do to others, it behoves me to be obedient
+to you; and it shall never be said, if I cudgel a knave that injures me,
+Long Meg is her husband's master; and therefore use me as you please."
+So they grew friends, and never quarrelled after.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _Long Meg's Usage to an angry Miller._
+
+
+Meg going one day with her neighbours to make merry, a miller near
+Epping looking out, the boy they had with them, about fourteen years
+old, said--"Put out, miller, put out." "What must I put out?" said he.
+"A thief's head and ears," said the other.
+
+At this the miller came down and well licked him, which Meg endeavoured
+to prevent, whereupon he beat her. But she wrung the stick from him, and
+then cudgelled him severely; and having done, sent the boy to the mill
+for an empty sack, and put the miller in all but his head; and then,
+fastening him to a rope, she hauled him up half way, and there left him
+hanging. The poor miller cried out for help, and if his wife had not
+come he had surely been killed, and the mill, for want of corn, set on
+fire.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _Of her keeping House at Islington, and her Laws._
+
+
+After marriage she kept a house at Islington. The constable coming one
+night, he would needs search Meg's house, whereupon she came down in her
+shift with a cudgel, and said--"Mr. Constable, take care you go not
+beyond your commission, for if you do I'll so cudgel you as you never
+was since Islington has been." The constable, seeing her frown, told her
+he would take her word, and so departed.
+
+Meg, because in her house there should be a good decorum, hung up a
+table containing these principles:--
+
+First. If a gentleman or yeoman had a charge about him, and told her of
+it, she would repay him if he lost it; but if he did not reveal it, and
+said he was robbed, he should have ten bastinadoes, and afterwards be
+turned out of doors.
+
+Secondly. Whoever called for meat and had no money to pay should have a
+box on the ear and a cross on the back that he might be marked and
+trusted no more.
+
+Thirdly. If any good fellow came in and said he wanted money, he should
+have his belly full of meat and two pots of drink.
+
+Fourthly. If any raffler came in and made a quarrel, and would not pay
+his reckoning, to turn into the fields and take a bout or two with Meg,
+the maids of the house should dry beat him, and so thrust him out of
+doors.
+
+These and many such principles she established in her house, which kept
+it still and quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                        THE
+
+                   FAMOUS HISTORY
+
+                   OF THE LEARNED
+
+                 FRIAR BACON GIVING
+
+      A Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage,
+    with the many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime,
+    to the amazement of all the World.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+     _Friar Bacon's Birth and Parentage, and by what means he came
+     to be so great a Scholar. How the King sent for him from
+     Oxford, and in what wonderful manner he pleased the King's Five
+     Senses; also the Comical Pranks he played with a Courtier sent
+     to fetch him._
+
+
+The famous Friar Bacon, whose name has spread through the world, was
+born in Lancashire; his father's name was Ralph Bacon, and his name
+Roger. From his infancy he was observed to have a profound, pregnant
+wit; as he grew up, a great reader of books and desirous of learning,
+which to admiration he took so fast that his schoolmaster could teach
+him no further, and being about to send him home, with commendations, to
+his father, he, fearing the worst, humbly besought him to prevail, if
+possible, with his father that he might be sent to the University, where
+he had a desire to go and learn the liberal sciences.
+
+His schoolmaster denied him not his request, but went home with him,
+and, taking the old man aside, told him he had learned his son as far as
+he was able, that he took it in extremely well, and was willing to
+improve it at the University, and that he was verily persuaded, by the
+promptness he perceived in him, if he would be at a little charge with
+him there, he would be so great a proficient as would advance him to an
+eminent station.
+
+The old man heard this with some indignation, but concealed his anger
+till the schoolmaster was gone, and then, taking his son to task, said,
+"How now, sirrah! have not I been at cost enough already, but are you
+itching to put me to more? Methinks I have given you such learning as to
+enable you, in time, to be a constable or churchwarden of the parish,
+and far outdo those in the office that can neither read nor write; let
+that suffice. As for the rest of your business for the future, it is to
+learn horse language and whistle well, that you may be dexterous at
+driving the plough and cart and managing the sheep and oxen; for,
+sirrah," continued he, "have I anybody else to leave my farm to but you,
+and yet you take upon you, forsooth, to be a scholard, and consequently
+a gentleman; for they all profess themselves so, though never so
+beggarly, living lazily, and eating up the fat of other men's labours,
+marry gaup! Goodman Twoshoes, your great-grandfather, your grandfather,
+and I, have thought it no scorn to dig and delve; and pray what better
+are you than us? Here, sirrah, take this whip and go with me to plough,
+or I'll so lace your fine scholarship that you had better this had never
+been mentioned to me."
+
+Young Bacon was much displeased and highly grieved, but durst not reply,
+knowing his father to be a very hasty, choleric old man; however, this
+sort of living so little agreed with his sprightly genius that in a
+short time he gave him the slip, and going to a monastery, making his
+desires known to the superior, he kindly entertained him, and made him a
+brother of the Augustin Friars. There he profited so much that in a few
+years he was sent to Oxford to study at their charge, where he soon grew
+such a proficient that his fame soon spread, not only in the University,
+but also over all England, and came to the ears of King Edward the
+Third, who then reigned; and he, taking a progress with his queen and
+nobles, was desirous to see him, and have an experiment of his art; so
+that, being at a nobleman's house within four miles of the city of
+Oxford, he sent a gentleman of his bedchamber to desire him to come to
+him. The knight delayed not the message, and, finding him at his study,
+did his errand. The friar told him he would be with his majesty, and bid
+him make haste or he should be there before him. At this he smiled,
+being well mounted, saying scholars and travellers might lie by
+authority. "Well," said Friar Bacon, "to convince you, I will not only
+be there before you, ride as fast as you can, but I will there show you
+the cook-maid you lay with last, though she is now busy dressing the
+dinner at Sir William Belton's, a hundred miles distance from this
+place." "Well," said the gentleman of the bedchamber, "I doubt not but
+one will be as true as the other;" so, mounting, rode laughing away, and
+thinking to be at the king's quarters in a short space, he spurred his
+horse valiantly; but suddenly a mist arose, that he knew not which way
+to go, and, missing the way, he turned down a bye-lane and rode over
+hedge and ditch, backwards and forwards, till the charm was dissolved.
+
+When the friar came into the king's presence he did him obeisance, and
+was kindly welcomed by him. Then said the king, "Worthy Bacon, having
+heard much of your fame, the cause of my sending for you was to be a
+spectator of some fine curiosities in your art." The friar excused at
+first; but the king pressing it, promised on his royal word no harm
+should come to him, he bid all keep silence, and, waving his magic wand,
+there presently to their great amazement, ensued the most melodious
+music they had ever heard, which continued very ravishing for nearly
+half an hour. Then, waving his wand, another kind of music was heard,
+and presently dancers in antic shapes at a masquerade entered the room,
+and having danced incomparably well, they vanished. Waving his wand the
+third time, louder music was heard, and whilst that played, a table was
+placed by an invisible hand, richly spread with all the dainties that
+could be thought of. Then he desired the king and queen to draw their
+seats near, and partake of the repast he had prepared for their
+highnesses: which, after they had done, all vanished. He waved the
+fourth time, and thereupon the place was perfumed with all the sweets of
+Arabia, or that the whole world could produce. Then waving the fifth
+time, there came in Russians, Persians, and Polanders, dressed in the
+finest soft fur, silks, and downs of rare fowls, that are to be found in
+the universe, which he bid them feel, and then the strangers, having
+danced after their own country fashion, vanished.
+
+In this sort Friar Bacon pleased their five senses, to their admiration
+and high satisfaction; so that the king offered him money, but he
+refused it, saying he could not take it. However, the king pressed on
+him a jewel of great value, commanding him to wear it as a mark of his
+favour. Whilst this was doing, the gentleman of the bedchamber came in,
+puffing and blowing, all bemired and dirty, and his face and hands
+scratched with the bushes and briars. The king, at this sight, demanded
+why he stayed so long, and how he came in that condition? "Oh, plague,"
+said he, "take Friar Bacon and all his devils! they have led me a fine
+dance, to the endangering of my neck. But is the dog here? I'll be
+revenged on him!" Then he laid his hand on his sword, but Bacon, waving
+his wand, charmed it in his scabbard, so he could not draw it out,
+saying, "I fear not your anger; 'tis best for you to be quiet, lest a
+worse thing befall you." Then he told the king how he gave him the lie,
+when he told him he would be there before him.
+
+Whilst he was thus speaking, in came the cook-maid, brought by a spirit,
+at the window, with a spit and a roasted shoulder of mutton on it, being
+thus surprised as she was taking it from the fire; and wishfully staring
+about her, and espying the gentleman, she cried, "O my sweet knight, are
+you here? Pray, sir, remember you promised to provide linen and other
+necessaries for me. Our secret sins have grown, and I've two months to
+reckon," and hereupon she ran towards him to embrace him; but he turning
+aside, she was carried out at another window to her master's house
+again.
+
+This was the cause of both amazement and laughter, though the gentleman
+was much ashamed and confounded to be thus exposed, still muttering
+revenge; but Friar Bacon told him his best way was to put up all, since
+he had verified all his promises, and bid him have a care how he gave a
+scholar the lie again.
+
+The king and queen, well pleased with the entertainment, highly
+commending his art, and promising him their favour and protection, took
+their leave of the friar, returning to London, and he to his study at
+Brazen Nose College.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Friar Bacon put a Comical Trick upon his man Miles,
+       who, pretending Abstinence on a Fast Day, concealed
+             Victuals in his Pocket to eat in a Corner._
+
+
+Friar Bacon kept a man to wait on him who, though but a simple fellow,
+yet a merry droll and full of waggeries. His name was Miles, and though
+his master and those of the order often fasted on set days, Miles loved
+his guts too well to pinch them, and though outwardly he seemed to fast
+for compliance, he always kept a private reserve to eat in a corner,
+which Bacon knew by art, and resolved to put a trick upon him. It so
+happened on Good Friday, in Lent, a strict fast was held, and Miles
+seemed very devout; for when his master bid him, however, take a bit of
+bread and a sip of wine early in the morning to keep him from fainting,
+he refused it, saying he was a great sinner, and therefore ought to do
+more than this for his mortification, and to gain absolution, making a
+great many pretences of sanctity, and how well he was inclined to keep
+the holy fast. "'Tis well," said the friar, "if I catch you not
+tripping." Hereupon Miles went to his cell, pretending to pray, but
+indeed to eat a fine pudding he had concealed: which he had no sooner
+put into his mouth at one end, but it stuck there; he could neither eat
+it nor get it out. The use of his hands failed, and he was taken with a
+shivering all over, so that, thinking he should have died presently, he
+cried piteously out for help; whereupon Friar Bacon, calling the
+scholars together, went in to see what was the matter, and perceiving
+him in that plight said, smiling, "Now I see what a penitent servant I
+have, who was so conscientious he would not touch a bit of bread, but
+would willingly have devoured two pounds of pudding to have broke his
+fast." He piteously entreated him to dissolve the charm and deliver him,
+and he would never do so again. "Nay," said the friar, "you shall do
+penance for this;" so, taking hold of the end of the pudding, he led
+him out to the scholars, saying, "See, here's a queasy-stomached fellow,
+that would not touch a bit of bread to-day!" When they saw him in this
+plight, they all fell heartily a-laughing; but Friar Bacon, not so
+contented, led him to the college gate, and by enchantment fixing the
+end of the pudding to the bar, he was made so fast to it as if it had
+been by a cable rope, and on his back were placed these lines:--
+
+    "This is Friar Bacon's man, who vow'd to fast,
+    But, dissembling, thus it took at last;
+    The pudding more religion had than he;
+    Though he would eat it, it will not down, you see.
+    Then of hypocrisy pray all beware,
+    Lest like disgrace be each dissembler's share."
+
+Miles all the while was jeered and sported with by all the scholars and
+town's people, but, after four hour's penance, his master dissolved the
+charm, and released him, and he ever after kept the fasts, not so much
+out of religion as for fear that a worse trick should be put upon him.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Friar Bacon saved a Gentleman who had sold
+       himself to the Devil for Money, and put a Trick
+              upon the Old Deceiver of Mankind._
+
+
+When Friar Bacon flourished at Oxford, a young gentleman, by his
+prodigality, having run out his estate and involved himself in debt,
+grew exceeding pensive and melancholy, purposing to make himself away,
+in order to put an end to his miseries and the scorns that were put
+daily upon him by his former companions, being also utterly cast off by
+his friends; so, walking by a wood side, full of sorrow, he met, as he
+thought, an old man in good clothing, who saluted him and demanded the
+cause of his melancholy, and why he walked so solitary. At first he
+refused to tell him, as thinking he could do him no good; but the other
+urging it, promised to assist him if he wanted anything. He said, "I am
+in want. I want fine clothes, as I used to have; I want money to buy
+food, pay debts, redeem my mortgaged land, and many things more. Can you
+help me to enough to do it?" "I can," said the old man, "on one
+condition." "What's that?" said the gentleman. "If it be anything
+tolerable I shall not refuse it, for I cannot be well worse or in
+greater hardship than I am now." "Why," said the other, "the matter is
+not so much; you shall only oblige yourself when I have furnished you
+with money to do all you have named and you have paid every one you owe
+a farthing to, to become obedient to me, and be disposed of at my
+pleasure." Now the young man, taking him for a usurer, and very rich,
+supposed this obligation was only a fetch to marry his daughter or some
+kinswoman of his, which he could be well contented to do, not doubting
+to have a good portion, and therefore scrupled not to do as he desired.
+Upon this he bid him meet him the next morning, about the same time,
+when he would have the writing ready; and on signing he should have the
+money. So they parted, and the gentleman delayed not coming, without
+asking advice, and was as punctually met; but when he saw the writing in
+blood he was startled a little, but the old man told him it was only a
+whim of his own to have it so written to distinguish it from other
+men's, and put his debtors more in mind to repay the money he lent them.
+Upon this speech, and the gentleman's seeing store of gold and silver
+brought by three or four of whom he supposed to be servants, he believed
+it. "But how," said he, "shall I write with the same?" "Oh," said he,
+"let me see. I'll prick your right vein," which he did, whilst the
+gentleman found an unusual trembling and an inward remorse in his mind.
+However, taking the bloody pen in his hand, he desperately subscribed
+and sealed the writing. Then, telling the money into a cloak bag, he
+laid it on his horse, and they, with much ceremony, took leave of each
+other. The gentleman laughed in his sleeve to think how he would find
+him out, seeing he had not asked, nor himself told him, where he lived.
+
+Soon after he summoned all his creditors, paid them to a farthing,
+redeemed his land, went gallant, and recovered his esteem in the world;
+but one evening as he was looking over his writings in his closet, he
+heard somebody rap at the door, when, opening it, he saw the party he
+had borrowed the money of, with the writing in his hand, who told him he
+was now come to demand him, and he must now go along with him; for to
+his knowledge he had paid his debts, and done whatever was agreed to.
+The gentleman, wondering how he should know this so soon, denied it.
+"Nay," replied he, fiercely, "deny it not, for I'll not be cheated of my
+bargain," and thereupon changed into a horrible shape, struck him almost
+dead with fear, for now he perceived it was the devil. Then he told him
+if he did not meet on the morrow, in the same place he had lent him the
+money, he would come the next day and tear him to pieces. "And," says
+he, "if I prove not what I say, you shall be quiet"; and so vanished out
+of the window in a flash of flame, with horrible bellowings. The
+gentleman, seeing himself in this case, began to weep bitterly, and
+wished he had been contented in his sad condition, rather than have
+taken such a desperate way to enrich himself, and was almost at his
+wits' end.
+
+Friar Bacon, knowing by his art what had passed, came to comfort him,
+and having heard the whole story, bid him not despair, but pray and
+repent of his sins, and he would contrive to show the devil a trick that
+should release him from his obligation. This greatly comforted the
+gentleman, and he promised to do whatever the friar should order him.
+"Then," says he, "meet at the time appointed, and I will be near. Offer
+to put the decision of the controversy to the next that comes by, and
+that shall be myself, and I will find a way infallibly to give it on
+your side." Accordingly he met, and the devil consented to put it to
+arbitration. Then Friar Bacon appearing, "Lo," said the gentleman,
+"here's a proper judge. This learned friar shall determine it, and if it
+goes against me, you have free liberty to do with me as you please."
+"Content," said the devil. Then each of them told their story, and the
+writing was produced, with all the acquittances he had taken; for the
+devil, contrary to his knowledge, had stolen them and the other writings
+belonging to his estate out of his closet. The friar, weighing well the
+matter, asked the gentleman whether he had paid the devil any of the
+money he borrowed of him. "No," replied he, "not one farthing." "Why
+then," said he, "Mr. Devil, his debts are not discharged; you are his
+principal creditor, and, according to this writing, can lay no claim to
+him till every one of his debts are discharged." "How! how!" replied the
+devil, "am I outwitted then? O friar, thou art a crafty knave!" and
+thereupon vanished in a flame, raising a mighty tempest of thunder,
+lightning, and rain; so that they were wet through before they could get
+shelter. Then Bacon charged him he should never pay the devil a farthing
+of his debt, whatever shape he came in, or artifice he used to wheedle
+him out of it, and then he could have no power over him. The gentleman
+on this, living a temperate frugal life, grew very rich, and leaving no
+children at his death, bequeathed his estate to Brazen Nose College,
+because Friar Bacon, a member of it, had delivered him from so great a
+danger of body and soul.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Friar Bacon framed a Brazen Head which, by
+        Enchantment, was to Speak; by that means
+    all England had been walled with Brass, if the Folly
+     of his man Miles, who was set to watch the Head,
+        had not disappointed it, not timely calling
+          his Master to answer it, for which he
+               was struck Dumb many Days._
+
+
+Friar Bacon, being now a profound proficient in the art of magic and
+many other sciences, contrived, with one Friar Bungey, who was his
+pupil, to do something memorable for the good of his country, and many
+things they cast in their minds. At last they remembered that England
+had often been harassed and invaded by the Romans, Saxons, Danes,
+Normans, and other nations at sundry times, to the great effusion of
+blood, and often alteration of the constitution of governments; and if
+anything might be contrived to prevent the like for the future, they
+should thereby raise a lasting monument to their names.
+
+Bacon, upon this, concluded to frame a head of brass, and if, by their
+art, they could cause it to speak, and answer their demands, they
+required that all the sea-girt shores of England and Wales should be
+walled with brass, and brazen towers be raised on the frontiers of
+Scotland, to hinder the incursions and rovings of the hardy Scots.
+
+They laboured to do this by art, but could not; so they conjured up a
+spirit, to inquire of the infernal council whether it might be done or
+not. The spirit, however, was unwilling to answer, till Friar Bacon
+threatened with his charms to bind him in chains in the Red Sea or to a
+burning rock, and make him the sport of wrecking whirlwinds.
+
+Terrified by this means, he said of himself he could give no answer, but
+must inquire of his lord, Lucifer. They granted him two days for an
+answer. Accordingly he returned this:--"If they for two months would
+carefully watch the head, it should in that time speak, but the certain
+time should not be known to them, and then, if they did hear it, they
+should be answered."
+
+At this they much rejoiced, and watched by turns very carefully for six
+weeks, and no voice was uttered. At length, tired out, and broken for
+want of their natural rest, they concluded some other might watch as
+well as they, till they refreshed themselves in repose, and call them
+when the head began to speak, which would be time enough; and because
+this was a secret they did not care for having it known till they saw
+what they should make of it. Bacon thereupon proposed his man Miles, and
+Bungey approved of it; so they called Miles, told him the nature of the
+brazen head and what was intended, by giving him a strict charge on his
+life, to awake them as soon as ever he heard it speak.
+
+"For that, master," said he, "let me alone. I warrant you I'll do your
+business effectually, never fear it." So he got him a long sword by his
+side, and a tabor and pipe to play, and keep him awake if any drowsiness
+or the like should overtake him.
+
+The charge being given, and he thus accoutred, the two friars went to
+rest in the next apartment. Miles then began to pipe and sing songs of
+his sweethearts and frolics:--
+
+    "Bessy, that is so frolic and gay,
+    Like a cat she loves with her tail to play;
+    Though sometimes she'll pant and frown,
+    All's well when her anger goes down.
+
+    "She'll never say nay, but sport and play;
+    O, Bessy to me is the queen of the May;
+    For Margery she is peevish and proud;
+    Come, fiddlers, then, and scrape the crowd."
+
+Whilst his merriment passed, after a hoarse noise, like thunder almost
+spent, the head spoke distinctly, "TIME IS." "Oh ho!" says Miles, "is
+this all the news you can tell me? Well, copper nose, has my master
+taken all this pains about you, and you can speak no wiser? Dost thou
+think I am such a fool to break his sweet slum for this? No, speak
+wiser, or he shall sleep on. Time is, quotha! Why, I know time is, and
+that thou shalt hear, goodman kettle jaws.
+
+    "Time is for some to gain,
+      Time is for some to lose;
+    Time is for some to hand,
+      But then they cannot choose.
+
+    Time is to go a score,
+      Time is when one should pay:
+    Time is to reckon, too,
+      But few care for that day.
+
+    Time is to graft the born
+      Upon another's head;
+    Time is to make maids' hearts swell,
+      Oh, then 'tis time they're wed.
+
+"Hear'st thou this, goodman copper nose? We scholars know when time is,
+without thy babbling. We know when time is to drink good sack, eat well,
+kiss our hostesses, and run on the score. But when time is to pay them
+is indeed but seldom."
+
+While thus he merrily discoursed, about half an hour after the same
+noise began as before, and the head said, "TIME WAS." "Well," said
+Miles, "this blockish head is the foolishest thing my wise master ever
+troubled himself about. How would he have laughed, had he been here, to
+hear it prat so simply! Therefore, thou brazen-faced ass, speak wiser,
+or I shall never trouble my head to awake him. Time was, quotha! thou
+ass thou! I know that, and so thou shalt hear, for I find my master has
+watched and tutored thee to a fine purpose.
+
+    "Time was when thou, a kettle,
+      Was wont to hold good matter;
+    But Friar Bacon did thee spoil
+      When he thy sides did batter.
+
+    Time was when conscience dwelt
+      With men of each vocation;
+    Time was when lawyers did not thrive
+      So well by men's vexations.
+
+    Time was when charity
+      Was not denied a being;
+    Time was when office kept no knaves;
+      That time was worth the seeing.
+
+"Ay, ay, and time was for many other things. But what of that, goodman
+brazen face? I see my master has placed me here on a very foolish
+account. I think I'd as good go to sleep, too, as to stay watching here
+to no purpose." Whilst he thus scoffed and taunted, the head spoke a
+third time, and said, "TIME IS PAST!" and so, with a horrid noise, fell
+down and broke to pieces. Whereupon ensued lamentable shrieks and cries,
+flashes of fire, and a rattling as of thunder, which awaking the two
+friars, they came running in, in great disorder found Miles rolling on
+the floor, in a stinking pickle, almost dead with fear, and the head
+lying shattered about the room in a thousand pieces. Then, having
+brought him to his senses again, they demanded how this came. "Nay, the
+devil knows better than I," said Miles, "I believe he was in this plaguy
+head: for when it fell, it gave a bounce like a cannon." "Wretch that
+thou art!" said Bacon, "trifle not with my impatience. Didst thou hear
+it speak, varlet! answer me that."
+
+"Why, truly," said Miles, "it did speak, but very simply, considering
+you have been so long a-tutoring it. I protest I could have taught a
+jackdaw to have spoke better in two days. It said, 'TIME IS.'" "Oh,
+villain!" says Bacon, "had'st thou called me then, all England had been
+walled with brass, to my immortal fame." "Then," continued Miles, "about
+half an hour after, it said, 'TIME WAS.'" "O, wretch! how my anger burns
+against thee. Had you but called me then, it might have done what I
+desired." "Then," said he, "it said, 'TIME'S PAST'; and so fell down
+with the horrid noise that waked you and made me, I am sure, befoul my
+breeches; and since here's so much to do about time, I think it's time
+for me to retire and clean myself." "Well, villain," says Bacon, "thou
+has lost all our cost and pains by thy foolish negligence." "Why," said
+Miles, "I thought it would not have stopped when it once began, but
+would have gone on and told me some pleasant story, or have commanded me
+to have called you, and I should have done it; but I see the devil is a
+cunning sophister, and all hell would not allow him tinkers and brass
+enough to do the work, and therefore has put this trick upon us to get
+oft from his promise." "How, slave," said the friar, "art thou at
+buffoonery, now thou hast done me this great injury? Sirrah! because you
+think the head spake not enough to induce you to call us, you shall
+speak less in two months' space," and with that, by enchantment, he
+struck him dumb to the end of that time, and would have done worse had
+not Bungey had compassion on the fellow's simplicity and persuaded him
+from it.
+
+And thus ends the history of that famous Friar Bacon, who had done a
+deed which would have made his fame ring through all ages yet to come,
+had it not been for the simplicity of his man Miles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                    THE HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                  THE BLIND BEGGAR
+
+                  OF BETHNAL GREEN,
+
+                     CONTAINING
+
+     His Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars and
+         Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+         how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her
+         being Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind
+         Beggar dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the
+         Knight and the Beggar's Daughter being Married;
+         and, lastly, how the famous Pedigree of the Beggar was
+         discovered, with other Things worthy of Note.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _How Monford went to the Wars of France, where he lost his
+        Sight; how he was accompanied with his Wife, who
+       preserved his Life, and of his Return to England, etc._
+
+
+In former days, when the rose of England eclipsed the lilies of France,
+and true English valour made that nation stoop, among other brave
+gallants that went over to try their fortune, Monford was one, a person
+well descended, who, being naturally inclined to war and greedy of fame,
+neither the entreaty of friends nor the marriage he had contracted with
+a kind, beautiful woman, could alter his purpose; but taking his wife
+Margaret with him, he, with many hundreds more, crossed the seas, and
+with the help of a prosperous wind, arriving at Calais, marched to the
+royal standard, accompanied with his loving wife, who, in manlike
+attire, became his inseparable companion, and was the cause of saving
+his life; for many skirmishes happened between the English and French,
+wherein young Monford behaved himself with wondrous courage; and in one,
+following too hot the pursuit, was, with divers others, entrapped into
+ambush, late in the evening; and though he manfully disputed it, making
+great slaughter of the enemy, yet in spite of resistance he was beaten
+from his horse by a forcible stroke, and left in the field for dead
+among the dying men; where he had undoubtedly perished through loss of
+blood, and the anguish of his wounds, had not his tender-hearted love,
+upon hearing what had happened and his not returning, hasted to the
+field, where, among the slain, she by moonlight discovered him, stripped
+and struggling for life, and by the help of a servant brought him to a
+shepherd's cottage, where she carefully dressed his wounds and
+administered such cordials as brought him to himself, to her unspeakable
+joy; though this joy was something abated when she found he had lost his
+sight, but true love working in her heart, the alteration or
+disfigurement of his countenance did not alter her affection; but
+comforting him in the best manner she could, though his natural courage
+would not admit of any dejection, she procured him a homely suit of
+apparel, and brought him (unfit for service) back to England, of whose
+entertainment and settlement at Bethnal Green, in the county of
+Middlesex, and course of life, you shall hear in the following chapter.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Monford arrived in England and of the Cold
+       Entertainment he found among his relations.
+    How he settled in Bethnal Green, where he continued to beg
+                         for his Living._
+
+
+Monford, having escaped a dreadful storm at sea, landed with his wife on
+the coast of Essex, where he had some considerable relations, to whom,
+in his necessity, they applied themselves for succour; but they, who,
+after the death of his parents, had wasted much of his patrimony, or
+fearing he might be chargeable to them, would not know him, and those
+that were convinced he was the same Monford that went over to France
+gave him but cold entertainment; insomuch that, scorning to rely upon
+their charity, he told his wife that he intended, early in the morning,
+to haste towards London, and that he would rather trust to Providence
+than the ingratitude of those who, in his prosperous days, had caressed
+him. His wife declared she would labour at her spinning-wheel or do what
+she was capable for a living. In two days travelling they spent what
+little money they had saved, so necessity obliged them to ask charity of
+the people as he passed through the country towns and villages; who,
+understanding that he came by his misfortune in fighting for the honour
+of his country, gave liberally to him; and considering that the loss of
+his sight had rendered him incapable of business, he resolved to embrace
+what providence had cast in his way, which was to live upon charity.
+Whereupon, arriving at Bethnal Green, near London, he hired a small
+cottage for his wife and himself, and daily appearing publicly to crave
+alms, was from thence called "The Beggar of Bethnal Green," and in a
+short time found it a thriving trade, insomuch that his bed of straw was
+changed into down, and his earthen platters and other utensils into a
+better sort of decent furniture.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Monford happened to meet with Snap, an old,
+        experienced Beggar, who gave him an Insight
+       into the Mystery of the Canting Tribe; and how he
+                 invited him to the Rendezvous._
+
+
+Monford resolving in this kind of way to spend the remainder of his
+days, being very well contented with his trade, having played it with
+great success in the place where he lived, one day he was encountered by
+an old proficient in the art of begging, who, seeing him very diligent,
+did greatly covet his acquaintance, and to know what gang he did belong
+to. He therefore accosts him in their canting method, which is a sort of
+speech or rather a gibberish peculiar to themselves. Monford, being
+ignorant, could make him no direct answer, which the other, whose name
+was Snap, perceiving, and thereby knowing him to be a young beginner,
+invited him to their feasts or rendezvous in Whitechapel, whither he
+having promised to come, and they between them tripped off four black
+pots of rum, they parted that time.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Monford went to the Beggars' Feast, and of his
+      Entertainment, and also the Presents they made._
+
+
+Monford, upon his coming home, declared to his wife what a merry
+companion he met with, and what discourse he had, and likewise what he
+had promised, entreating her to get things in readiness, that she might
+conduct him thither, where appeared, instead of a ragged regiment of
+lame, blind, and dumb, there was a rout of jovial dancers, as gay as the
+spring, and as merry as the maids; which made them imagine they were
+mistaken in the place or was imposed upon, and therefore turned to go
+away, had not Snap started from his chair, where he sat as supervisor,
+in all his gallantry, and taking him by the hand, let him know who it
+was introduced him into the assembly, where he was received as brother
+of their society, every member saluting him with a compliment, and, that
+he might not want a guide for the future, Snap, in the name of the
+society, presented him with a dog and a bell trained to the business. So
+his wife and he, being splendidly entertained, were dismissed, upon his
+promise that he would not be absent at their yearly meeting.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _What Success he had in the Begging Trade. How his
+        Wife was brought to Bed of a Daughter, and
+           Christened by the Name of Elizabeth._
+
+
+The blind beggar soon became master of his trade, and, by the help of
+his dog, trudged often to London, and having the perfect tone, had the
+luck to return with his pockets well lined with chink. His way of
+begging became so pleasing to him that he would often sing as follows--
+
+    A beggar lives a merry life,
+      And has both wealth and ease;
+    His days are free from care and strife,
+      He does whate'er he please.
+
+    While others labour, sweat, and toil,
+      His tongue does get him pelf;
+    He travels with his dog and bell,
+      And brings home store of wealth.
+
+He being by this time in a warm condition, to add further to his joy,
+his loving wife fell in labour, and was delivered of a daughter, whose
+birth made him think he was the happiest man alive, and hundred times he
+kissed her and dandled her in his arms, whom he christened by the name
+of Elizabeth, and as she increased in years, so her beauty and modesty
+caused her to be called "Pretty Betty." Some began to dote upon her
+admirable perfections, and the better to qualify her gave her such
+learning as was suitable to her degree, which she improved; so that her
+beauty and wit, her skill in singing, dancing, and playing on
+instruments of music, procured her the envy of the young maidens
+thereabouts, who supposed themselves much superior in birth and fortune,
+would often reflect upon her birth, and call her a beggar's brat. She
+bore all their ill language without returning it, and endeavoured to win
+them to her by gentle persuasions; but not prevailing, and her patience
+spent, she said, "I never injured any of you, but have strove to do you
+all the good offices which I was capable of doing; why, then, do you
+envy and abuse me? What if my parents are in a mean station, yet they
+pay for my education of dancing and singing which they bestow upon me,
+and though, perhaps, I am not so well descended as some of you, though
+you may be mistaken, yet Heaven might have made your case the same had
+it thought fit." Yet, finding that they did not cease to rail at her,
+and being by this time about fifteen years of age, she prevailed with
+her parents to grant her leave to seek her fortune.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _How handsome Betty took Leave of her Parents, and
+             the Entertainment she met with._
+
+
+Now the time of Betty's departure being come, her parents furnished her
+with clothes and other necessaries, whereupon she fell upon her knees
+and craved their blessing, which being given, with many prayers for her
+prosperity, they took a sad farewell.
+
+Pretty Betty, having now left her father's house, or rather smoke-loft,
+went pensive along the road towards Stradford, relying only on
+Providence to direct her. Having walked all night, at sunrise she came
+to Rumford, in Essex and being ready to faint, betook herself to an inn,
+and called for something to refresh her. The mistress of the house,
+taking notice of her garb, beautiful face, and modest behaviour, though
+dejected, began to ask her from whence she came, and whither she was
+bound. Betty replied, "I am going to seek my fortune. I am very well
+educated by my indulgent parents, who live near London; but I am now
+obliged, contrary to my former expectation, to get my livelihood in some
+honest way of working." The good woman, being more and more taken with
+her carriage, demanded if she would be content to stay with her till
+she could better provide to her advantage, and that she would use her
+as a daughter rather than a servant. Betty thankfully accepted the
+offer, and in the performance of whatever she undertook discharged
+herself so well that she gained the love and applause of all that
+observed her, insomuch that her name for beauty and ingenuity began to
+spread, and abundance of young men resorted to the house, which created
+a great trade, on purpose to see her, who generally took a liking to
+her; for nature had made her so lovely and charming that she could not
+but be admired, insomuch that many of them, as they found opportunity,
+began to buzz love stories in her ears, to which she gave but little
+heed, till four suitors of greater worth beat off these little
+assailants, and laid close siege, as in the following chapter will
+appear.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty, living at an Inn at Rumford, was
+               Courted by Persons of Fortune._
+
+
+It being whispered about that pretty Betty must needs be some great
+person's daughter, it highly increased her reputation. At last the
+inn-keeper's son, a very rich London merchant, courted her. But she
+modestly declined his offers, as also the offers of all other suitors,
+by representing to them the inequality of her fortune to theirs; but
+this served only to increase their passions. And being every day
+importuned, she at last resolved to discover who her parents were,
+judging that way to be the most sure means to try the sincerity of their
+love and affection which they pretended to have for her.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty being Woo'd by her Master's Son, a
+         Merchant, a Gentleman, and a Knight; how,
+   upon her declaring her Parentage, was slighted by all but
+             the Knight; and of their Agreement._
+
+
+Our beautiful virgin, being hardly pressed for love and enjoyment,
+found herself obliged to take a course that might rid her of her lovers,
+or allot one of them to her share; wherefore she told them she was not
+really at her own disposal, her parents being alive; therefore, if they
+loved her as they said, and seeing but one could enjoy her, she was
+contented her father should choose one for her, of whose choice she
+would approve.
+
+This set them almost at daggers drawing, who should get thither first,
+but whither to go they knew not, therefore desired to be informed, every
+one's heart being filled with joy, not doubting to carry the prize; when
+thus she began:--"My parents, worthy sirs, live on Bethnal Green. My
+father is left with a dog and a bell, living upon the charity of good
+people, and my mother a poor woman that spins for bread. Thus I have
+declared to you my parents, and though I might have the richest person
+in the world for a husband, yet I would not marry him without their
+consent, which I think myself bound in duty to obtain."
+
+Most of her suitors seemed thunderstruck at this plain declaration,
+every one, except the knight, despising her now as much as they seemed
+to love her before, each of them swearing they would not undervalue
+themselves to marry a beggar's child. But the knight was more inflamed
+than ever, and having a large estate, did not regard interest or a
+portion so much as he did the pleasing of his fancy with a beautiful,
+modest, young, and virtuous maid, all of which centred in Pretty Betty.
+Therefore, after he had paused a while took the blushing virgin by the
+hand, and said, "You see, fair creature, how they that pretended to love
+you did it only in expectation of your being descended from wealthy
+parents, and that they might get a large portion. Though they have left
+you, if you will accept of me for a husband, who truly love you on
+account of your virtue and beauty, I will make you my wife and settle on
+you a jointure." To this she replied, "Alas, sir, I dare not hope for
+so much happiness, or, if I durst, yet would not dispose of myself
+without my parents' consent; though I must confess," says she, blushing,
+"I ever did esteem you above all the gentlemen who did make love and
+offer themselves to me." This modesty kindled his passion more, and
+therefore, after many vows of constancy, it was agreed that he should
+provide horses and servants, and conduct her the next morning to Bethnal
+Green, to ask and obtain her father's consent; yet this affair was not
+so secretly managed but spies being abroad soon discovered it, who not
+only discovered to the knight's uncle, who was guardian and trustee for
+him, and had the sole care of his estate, but to most of the young men
+in Rumford who were her admirers, as the following chapter will inform
+you.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty rid behind the Knight to her Father's
+         House, and what happened on the Road; also
+       what happened between the Knight's Uncle and Betty's
+                             Father._
+
+
+Pretty Betty, having met the knight according to appointment, did not
+scruple to ride behind him; but they had scarce got out of town when his
+uncle came to the inn, but not finding either of them there, was
+confirmed that what had been told him was true, and therefore he
+followed them to prevent the match, being accompanied with several of
+Betty's lovers, who suspected the knight had taken her away by force.
+Their hurry and confusion was great, and the townsmen going a nearer
+way, overtook and fell foul upon the knight and his servants, without
+giving him leave to speak for himself or suffering his mistress to
+excuse him, so that a sharp conflict ensued, till at length divers
+persons that were travelling the road came and parted them, whereby they
+came to a right understanding, which made those that had misused him beg
+his pardon, which he granted, and, dismissing them, kept on his way
+till, coming to the old man's door, they alighted; which made him, upon
+hearing the noise of horses trampling, being a thing very unusual, start
+from the fire, and put his head out of the window, and not understanding
+the meaning of it, ere the knight's uncle came puffing and blowing at a
+strange rate crying, "Why, how now nephew? what's this I hear of you?
+Are you mad to disgrace your family by marrying a beggar's brat? For
+shame, for shame! consider better than to make yourself a laughing stock
+to the world by such an unseemly match." Then, turning about to Pretty
+Betty, said, "Pray how came this about, you baggage you? But, however, I
+say, nephew, leave her and come along with me and I will provide a rich
+wife for you suitable to your condition."
+
+To this the young knight would have replied, but the blind beggar
+Monford, not being able to bear his taunts and reproaches any longer,
+said, "I cannot see you at all, but sir, whatever you are I hear you too
+much, and more than becomes a civil gentleman; nor do I count my girl so
+mean to suffer her to be railed on at my door; therefore, pray sir, hold
+your prating, or I shall fell you with my staff. I have seen the day
+when a taller fellow than you durst not put me in a passion. If your
+kinsman does not think my child a fit match for him, let him let her
+alone and welcome. I am satisfied she hath her share of beauty and good
+breeding, and those are enough to recommend her. But know, sir, that I,
+her father, am willing and ready to lay down as many guineas for my
+child as you are to drop for your nephew, and therefore care not how
+soon you begin." The knight's uncle was something surprised at this
+speech of the blind beggar's; but, however, he accepted of the
+challenge, and sent to London for a bag of gold. As soon as it was
+brought, Monford pulled out two large cat skins stuffed with gold from
+under a bundle of rags, whereby it appeared his trade had been
+advantageous. Both parties being ready, they rained a golden shower so
+plentifully that the gentleman's stock failed him, and the beggar, not
+hearing it chink, fell into laughter and said, "How, sir, is your money
+done so soon? I thought at first you had more words than money. Pray,
+for your credit's sake, try your friends, for I have three or four cat
+skins with golden puddings in their bellies yet." "Indeed," said the
+gentleman, "I am content to own you have outdone me, and think you have
+the philosopher's stone, or keep a familiar to bring it to you from the
+golden mountain. But seeing the world goes so well with you, I shall no
+further go about to persuade my nephew from being your son-in-law, but
+beg pardon for what I have done." "Oh, do you so," said the beggar,
+"then may things be better, perhaps, than you expect." Then, turning to
+the knight, "Gather up," said he, "the loose coin I have scattered, and
+here's a cat skin filled which will make up the sum of three thousand
+pounds, beside a hundred more to buy her a wedding gown. Take this as
+her present portion, and, as you behave yourself, expect more hereafter.
+I give her to you, and with her a blessing. Go to church and be married,
+in God's name, and I wish you both success and prosperity." When he had
+thus spoken, the knight and bride fell upon their knees, and gave him a
+thousand thanks and departed, whilst those that had been suitors,
+hearing what had happened, were ready to hang themselves for madness.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Pretty Betty was Married to the Knight, and her
+                   true Pedigree discovered._
+
+
+Things being come to pass, great preparations were made for the wedding.
+The bride and bridegroom were dressed in rich apparel, and as soon as
+the ceremony was ended they went to the place appointed for keeping
+their wedding dinner. Hither resorted abundance of persons of
+distinction, who had been invited, yet none of them surpassed the bride
+in modesty and beauty. At length her father and mother came in, dressed
+in silks and embroidered velvets. The company was pleased with the
+entertainment, which was very costly, and when the music, dancing, and
+masquerading was ended, the old man Monford sung a song, wherein he
+discovered his pedigree and his valour in the wars of France, which also
+filled the company full of admiration.
+
+
+    OLD MONFORD'S SONG.
+
+    You gallants all, that here are come
+      To make this day more happy prove;
+    Know, though I'm blind, I am not dumb,
+      But wish you happiness and love.
+
+    The bride, although her birth seems mean,
+      Is born of a noble race;
+    Her predecessors great have been,
+      If you her pedigree do trace.
+
+    Know she is Monford's daughter fair,
+      Who lost his sight in the wars of France,
+    Who ever since, in begging here,
+      Did take this happy, thriving chance.
+
+    Consider, bridegroom, then her birth,
+      Which some think mean and low,
+    As much of honour can bring forth
+      As you have power to show.
+
+The name of Monford, which had been held so famous for virtue and valour
+in those days, did not a little cause wonder in the hearers, who,
+desiring him to explain himself, and give the company a particular
+account of all his adventures from his youth till the present time, and
+immediately a profound silence ensued, the noble company sitting in
+full expectation of being diverted with the surprising achievements and
+glorious exploits of old Monford, especially his son-in-law, who was
+more desirous than all the rest to hear this seemingly so much pleasing
+relation, and his beautiful bride was no less anxious to hear more of
+her pedigree; for till now she had been kept in the dark with regard to
+her high birth. Monford, hearing all were silent, begun to relate first,
+his marriage; second, his going over to France, accompanied by his
+beloved spouse, his adventures there; and, lastly, how he lost his sight
+in an engagement, with his return to England, and the success he had by
+begging; all which caused a general joy, since those who had formerly
+known him by that name supposed him to be dead; and the bridegroom was
+pronounced now more happy than ever, whose lovely bride in both birth
+and fortune equalled his in all degrees, and her father, for the credit
+of his daughter, promised to leave off his begging trade and live upon
+what he had got. This day was concluded to the joy and satisfaction of
+all parties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                         THE
+
+                   PLEASANT HISTORY
+
+                         OF
+
+                     POOR ROBIN
+
+                         THE
+
+                 MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN
+
+                       SHOWING
+
+   The Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+             and how he Tricked a rich Miser, etc.
+         Very diverting for a Winter Evening Fireside.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER I.
+
+    _The birth of Poor Robin, how he was bound Apprentice
+   to a Saddler, and what a trick he served his Master._
+
+
+Poor Robin was born in Saffron-Walden, in the county of Essex, of
+honest, plain parents, who brought him up not as our nice dames do
+now-a-days, by directing him how much he should eat, but, as the fashion
+was then, full fed with gross meat, so that in a few years he grew a
+sturdy lad; and considering his growth and manners, a man might well say
+better fed than taught. His father being willing he should be able to
+live in the world another day, bound him an apprentice to a Saddler, one
+who fitted poor Robin's humour to a hair; for the master loving drink,
+he thought it should go hard if the man likewise did not also wet his
+lips with it. It fortuned one time his master had brewed a barrel of
+beer stronger than ordinary, to the drinking of which poor Robin one
+night invites five or six of his comrades, who, before the next morning,
+drank it all up. Poor Robin to excuse himself, draws the spiggot out,
+and throws a pailful of small beer and two or three pails full of water
+under the tap, and by a wile gets a great sow into the cellar; so the
+next morning when his master arose all was quiet, and the sow was blamed
+for what the boar pig had done.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER II.
+
+    _How Poor Robin served his Master for sitting up late at Nights._
+
+
+Poor Robin's master had gotten a custom that the man did not at all
+like, which was, that after he had tippled all day, sometimes till ten
+or eleven o'clock at night, he would then come home and fall asleep in a
+chair, during which time his man must not go to bed, but wait until his
+master awakened. Poor Robin to break him of this evil custom, one night
+when his master came home soundly fuddled, and falling asleep in his
+chair as usual; so he made a great fire, and then drew his master's legs
+so near thereto, that his toes touched some of the coals; which being
+done, he sits him down in the other corner to observe the sequel. He had
+not sat long till his master's shoes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly
+awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad. The man all the while
+counterfeits himself asleep, and seemed not to awake for a good space.
+At last, seeming much to pity his master's misfortune, they went to bed.
+But never after that would his master sit up to sleep in his chair.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER III.
+
+    _How Poor Robin served a rich Miser._
+
+
+In the same town lived a rich miser who had wealth enough to have been
+treasurer of the town, and wisdom answerable to a beadle of a parish.
+This man, fuller of faith than good works, would neither feast the poor
+nor relieve their wants, nor hold brotherly unity with any. Poor Robin
+being resolved to put a trick upon him, it being then Christmas, made it
+fit for his purpose; and so counterfeiting himself to be the gentleman's
+man, about ten or eleven o'clock at night, just when people were in bed,
+he calls at sundry men's doors, inviting them the next day to his
+master's (naming the gentleman's name) to dinner. Whereupon the next day
+appeared the number of two and twenty in their roast-meat apparel; but,
+contrary to their expectations, finding small preparations towards a
+dinner, they began to wonder wherefore he had invited them; the
+gentleman as much wondered wherefore they came. At last the truth was
+cleared on both sides, some laughed, and some frowned; and so they all
+departed home.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IV.
+
+    _How Robin Married and set up for Himself._
+
+
+Poor Robin having served out his apprenticeship would needs set up for
+himself, and thereupon hires a house and shop; yet thinking it
+inconvenient for him to live alone, and that two heads were better than
+one, he resolved to do as many others did, marry in haste though he
+should repent at leisure. But his fortune was better than his deserts,
+for though she was but a homely woman, with whom he joined in matrimony,
+yet she was provident to live in the world, and for his own part he
+stood not much on beauty, but had rather have a fat purse than a fair
+wife, seeing there was great profit in the one, and less danger of being
+made a cuckold by the other. Never did a couple more lovingly agree
+together than did this pair at first, insomuch that duck and lamb were
+the ordinary terms he bestowed upon her; whereupon a wit of the town
+hearing this loving language betwixt them, made this epigram to be read
+by any that can understand it.
+
+    Poor Robin thinks his wife excels most dames,
+    And calls her duck and lamb, with such kind names,
+    A duck's a bird, a lamb's a beast we know,
+    Poor Robin's wife's a foul beast then I trow.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER V.
+
+    _How Poor Robin served one of his Companions a
+                    Slovenous Trick._
+
+
+Poor Robin having set up for himself (as you have heard), he would
+oftentimes travel abroad in the country to get acquaintance amongst the
+gentry. It happened one time, being belated homeward, and his brain
+intoxicated with the juice of Bacchus, that he took up his quarters in a
+country ale-house, where notwithstanding he had gotten a lusty jug
+before, yet fell he to drinking of beer and cider, as if his belly was
+bottomless; at last growing sleepy he went to bed, where it was his
+chance to be lodged in the same chamber where one of his acquaintances
+was already in bed, who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the
+next morning was he no sooner got up providing a pot and toast ready
+against poor Robin arose, but a foul mischance befel poor Robin in the
+meantime, for the wine, beer, and cider not agreeing in his belly, he
+very mannerly, sir-reverence vomited on the bed. Whereupon not knowing
+what to do, and being loth to be discredited, a crotchet came into his
+crown, which he presently put in execution. He takes the dirty sheets
+from off his own bed, and lays them on his friend's, and then takes his
+and lays them on his own bed, so spreading the coverlet as if nothing
+was amiss, he makes himself ready and downstairs he goes. No sooner was
+he below but his friend arrests him at Mr. Fox's suit, and by all means
+would make him pay his groat for being drunk. Poor Robin excused himself
+as well as he could, and would be judged by the landlord whether he was
+fuddled or no; whilst they were wrangling about paying the groat, the
+maid went up into the chamber to make the beds; but finding one of them
+in a pitiful pickle, she came chafing down, calling the man beastly
+fellow and nasty knave, with other Billingsgate language, such as came
+first to her tongue's end. The man thought her mad, thus to scold for
+nothing, till at last she told him plainly he had vomited the bed.
+"Nay," quoth poor Robin, "I will be judged by my landlord which of us
+was most fuddled last night." "Truly," said the host, "I can judge no
+otherwise but that he was, or he would not have played such a nasty
+trick." Whereupon it was judged by all the company that the man should
+pay his groat, and poor Robin got free.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VI.
+
+    _Of a sad Disaster that befel Poor Robin._
+
+
+It happened on a time, during the late unhappy wars, that all the Essex
+Trainband were assembled at Walden, to resist the king's forces, who, in
+a bravado, had made their excursions as far as Huntingdon. Amongst other
+military weapons of destruction, they brought a drake, which they
+planted under poor Robin's chamber-window, to be shot off at nine
+o'clock at night, for a warning for all people to repair home. Poor
+Robin and his wife were at that time newly gone to bed; now it is to be
+understood, the chamber where they lay went out half over the room
+below, a rail of about four feet high being set up by the side to keep
+them from falling, close by the rail was poor Robin's bed. But whilst
+they were going to sleep, the drake was shot off, which poor Sarah, his
+wife, hearing, with the fright gave a sudden start, and threw poor Robin
+quite over the rail into the room below. Poor Robin was much bruised in
+body and half dead. At length he got up, but his courage was so cooled
+with the greatness of his fall that he had more need of a doctor than a
+sleep.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VII.
+
+    _How Poor Sarah was cheated of her Mutton Pie._
+
+
+Poor Sarah on a time made a very great pie, into which she had put a
+whole loin of mutton besides other things, so that it was valued worth
+five or six shillings at least. This pie she sent to the common oven to
+bake, which, being perceived by three or four merry blades, they
+resolved, if they could possibly, to cheat her of the pie, which at last
+they brought to pass on this manner. At such time as the baker used to
+draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a tale, whilst the other
+sent one of her neighbour's boys to the baker's with a pail, a napkin,
+and money to pay for the baking. The baker mistrusting no knavery,
+delivered the boy the pie, which was presently carried to the next
+ale-house, whether inviting some more of their companions unto them, with
+much mirth and laughter; and because the jest should be publicly known
+they set the crier to work, who published the same in every corner of
+the town.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER VIII.
+
+    _How Poor Robin ate Dog-stones instead of Lamb-stones._
+
+
+As Poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than fish, so of all sorts of
+flesh he loved a dish of lamb-stones best. A merry disposed companion
+knowing his appetite, resolved to put a trick upon him. A gentleman of
+the town who kept a pack of hounds, having gelt his dogs, he gets the
+stones, and with a few sweet breads presents them to poor Robin as a
+dainty dish. Poor Robin very thankful for so great kindness would not
+stay, but presently had them dressed, making all the haste he could, for
+fear any should come in to be partakers with him in his dinner. But
+having eaten them, and understood the truth, he fell a-spewing as if his
+gall would come up with it. Poor Sarah, in like manner, disgorged her
+stomach, so that who should have seen them, would have concluded them
+drunk with eating.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER IX.
+
+    _A witty Jest that Poor Robin gave a Sergeant._
+
+
+The Blue Regiment of Train-Soldiers being on a time at Walden, one of
+the sergeants, to show his bravery, had gotten a great blue scarf about
+his middle, being as much or more than the ensign had in his colours.
+Poor Robin thinking him too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer
+upon him, and calling him, asked if he wanted any work? "Why," said the
+sergeant, "what makes you ask?" "Pray your pardon," quoth poor Robin, "I
+was mistaken in you, I took you for a shoemaker, because you had gotten
+your blue apron before you."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER X.
+
+    _How Poor Robin won Five Shillings by kissing his Hostess._
+
+
+Poor Robin, with some other of his mates, being drinking in an
+ale-house, where was an exceeding tall hostess, one of them offered to
+lay five shillings (because Poor Robin was low) that he should not kiss
+her as he stood on the ground. Poor Robin accepted the challenge, and
+covered the money. But when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not
+reach higher than her apron string. Whereupon dropping a shilling on the
+ground he made her stoop to lift it, then he clasped his arms round her
+neck, gave her a kiss, and so won the wager.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XI.
+
+    _Poor Robin's sayings of Ambitious Men._
+
+
+Poor Robin, being in company with some gentlemen who were talking of the
+ambition of some men now-a-days, that would venture the loss of their
+souls for the possession of a kingdom: "Yea," quoth poor Robin, "but the
+success of many of them is far different from King Saul's, for he
+seeking asses found a kingdom, and they seeking a kingdom find
+themselves to be asses."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XII.
+
+    _Poor Robin's Journey to London._
+
+
+Poor Robin having never been in London in his life, and being very
+desirous to see the city whose fame rang so loud in every man's mouth,
+he resolved to make a jonrney thither, and spend some time in viewing
+the rarities of the same; but because he was unacquainted with the city
+customs, he got a companion of his to go along with him. No sooner were
+they past Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such a number of signs, he
+whispered with his friend, "Certainly," quoth he, "they must needs be
+all drunkards that live in this place. I never saw so many ale-houses
+together in my life." And thereupon beckoning to his companion, enters
+one of the shops and calls for a jug of beer; but they making him
+acquainted with his error, how they sold no drink, but if he wanted
+anything else they could furnish him with it. He presently without any
+studying asks them to show him a pair of hedging gloves, whereupon
+changing their opinion, instead of a fool they took him for a jeering
+companion; and to fit him for his gloves had him to the pump and soundly
+bedrenched him from head to foot. And having occasion to go through
+Birching Lane, and being asked by the salesmen, "Countrymen, what lack
+you?" "Marry," quoth he, "that which I fear you cannot furnish me
+withal," and being importuned of them to know what it was: "Why," quoth
+he, "that which you have none of I want, honesty." Night approaching,
+poor Robin and his walking mate repaired to their inn, where, after they
+had supped and drunk five or six jugs of beer with the host of the
+house, and some of his men (for inn-keeper's servants drink most of
+their beer at other men's cost), his friend loving no tobacco, and poor
+Robin desiring the heathenish weed to pass away the time, they agreed
+among themselves that every one of the company should either tell a tale
+or sing a song. Poor Robin, who first mentioned the same, beginning in
+this manner.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIII.
+
+    _A Tale of a Pair of Cards._
+
+
+Not many ages since a parson of a country village was accused to a
+committee that he was a great gamester at cards, being so addicted
+thereunto that he would ofttimes play on Sundays. The committee thus
+informed, sent for the parson to answer this accusation; who receiving
+the warrant made no excuse nor delay, but with all haste made his
+appearance before them; with him also came the informer to justify his
+accusation. Being thus met together, the committee began to reprove the
+parson for being addicted to such a vice, as to be noted for a common
+player at cards. "Indeed," said the parson, "I am so far from it, that I
+know not what a pair of cards meaneth." "Sir," quoth the informer, "if
+you please to search his pockets, I believe you will find a pair there
+at present, for he seldom goeth without such tackling." Whereupon the
+committee commanding his pocket to be searched, they found a pair of
+cards there indeed, but the parson denied them to be cards, saying,
+"They may be cards to you, but to me they are an almanack." And being
+demanded how he could make it appear, he answered thus: "First," quoth
+he, "here is as many suits of cards as there be quarters in a year, and
+as many court cards as there be months in a year, and as many cards as
+there be weeks in a year, and as many spots as there be days in a year.
+Then when I look upon the king it puts me in mind of the allegiance that
+I owe to my sovereign lord the king; looking upon the queen puts me in
+mind of the allegiance that I owe to the queen; the ten puts me in mind
+of the Ten Commandments; the nine, of the nine muses; the eight, of the
+eight altitudes; the seven, of the seven liberal sciences; the six, of
+six days we ought to labour in; the five, of the five senses; the four,
+of the four evangelists; the three, of the Trinity; the two, of the two
+sacraments; and the ace, that we ought to worship but one God." Quoth
+the committee, "If this be all the use you make of them we can find no
+fault with you. But Mr. Parson, of all the cards you have nominated, you
+have forgot the knave; pray, what use make you of him?" "O sir," said he
+(pointing to his accuser), "that is your worship's informer."
+
+"Poor Robin having ended his tale," says his friend, "I suppose that was
+the same parson that used to read his litany every day of the week
+excepting Sunday, and I being constant hearer of him, learnt it as
+perfectly as my pater noster."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XIV.
+
+    _Poor Robin's Litany._
+
+    From being turned out of doors,
+    From town-rats, and ale-house scores,
+    From lowsie queans and pocky bores,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From tailors' bills and drapers' books,
+    From sluttish maids and nasty cooks,
+    From froward wives and crabbed looks,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From breaking pipes and broken glasses,
+    From drinking healths and drunken asses,
+    From lying lubbers and lisping lasses,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From paying of lawyers' fees,
+    From mouldy bread and musty cheese,
+    From trotting jades and scorning shes,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From fetters, chains, bolts, and gyves,
+    From pointless needles and broken knives,
+    From thievish servants and drunken wives,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From tailors' bodkins and butchers' pricks,
+    From tenpenny nails and headless spikes,
+    And from attorneys' knavish tricks,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From being taken in disguise,
+    From believing of a poet's lies,
+    And from the devil and the excise,
+        _Libera nos._
+
+    From brown bread and small beer,
+    From being taken stealing deer,
+    From all that hath been named here,
+        _Quesemus te._
+
+The litany being ended the tapster comes for his reckoning, but poor
+Robin made answer that he should do as the rest had done, either tell a
+tale or sing a song. Says he, "Sing I cannot, but I will tell you how
+they marry in Scotland, as a Scotch priest told me that lay here, and
+got me to engage for him to my master for twenty shillings, and he
+running away, I was forced to pay his score for him."
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XV.
+
+    _A Scotch Marriage._
+
+
+We don't use to wad in Scotland as you wad in England. Jockey comes to
+the kirk and takes Sir Donkyn by the rocket, and says, "Good morn, Sir
+Donkyn." "What's the matter, Jockey, what's the matter?" "A wadding, a
+wadding," says he, "don't you see the hoppers and the skippers, and all
+the lads of the gang?" "I'se don't, I'se come to you belyve." Then Sir
+Donkyn gangs to the kirk, "I spee and I spee, wha a deil do you spee;
+Jockey of the high lane, and Jenny of the long cliff; if any know why
+these twa may not be wadded together, let them now speak or hold their
+tongue in the deil's name. Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy wadded
+wife? I say, Jockey, say after me, Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy
+wadded wife, forsaking all loons, lubberloons, swing-bellied calves,
+black lips, and blue noses? Ay, forsooth. If these twa be not as well
+wadded as e'er I wadded twa these seven years, the deil and St. Andrew
+part them."
+
+The wedding being ended, all the company went to bed, where we will
+leave them till the next morning, to relate poor Robin's perambulation
+about the city.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XVI.
+
+    _Poor Robin's perambulation about the City._
+
+
+No sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the eastern horizon, but poor
+Robin, shaking off melancholy sleep, roused his companion to prepare
+himself for their intended perambulation; and having armed themselves
+with a pot of nappy ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal
+Exchange, a most magnificent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham.
+From thence they went to take a view of Leadenhall, but the exceeding
+bravery of the Exchange had so dimmed the beauty of the place, that it
+was nothing pleasing to poor Robin's eye. He made no tarrying there, but
+went presently down to the Tower, where having seen the lions, and from
+the wharf taken a superficial view of the bridge, as also the ships upon
+the river Thames, he became weary of beholding so many surprising
+objects. He had, however, far more content in seeing the ships, so
+admirably pleasing to his fancy it was to see how these little pretty
+things hopped about. But lest he should take a surfeit with such
+ravishing delights, his friend persuaded him to go to see the ancient
+cathedral of St. Paul's, being at present made a horse-guard by the
+soldiers, which poor Robin beholding, "What a blessed reformation,"
+quoth he, "have we here! For in our country we can scarce persuade men
+to go to church, but here come men and horses too." Having satisfied
+himself with the sight of St. Paul's, they would in the next place go
+to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at term time, where,
+beholding so great a number of lawyers in their gowns, he cried out,
+"Oh, let us begone from this place, for if two or three make such a
+quarrel in our town, certainly there is no abiding here for men in their
+wit." A country gentleman overhearing him, "I remember," quoth he, "once
+I heard a story of a man that went down to hell, wherein he beheld men
+of all professions, ages, and conditions, saving only lawyers, which
+made him the more to wonder, because he imagined them all there, and
+asking the devil the reason, he made this reply, 'We have them here
+though you see them not, but we are forced to keep them in a room by
+themselves lest they should set all the devils in hell at variance.'"
+Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale, and having now satisfied
+his inn, and having discharged all reckonings, his friend and he
+returned home.
+
+
+
+
+    CHAPTER XVII.
+
+    _Many odd Whimsies and Conceits of Poor Robin._
+
+
+Poor Robin daily frequenting the tavern and ale-house had learned of his
+companions many drunken whimsies and other odd conceits, as the five
+properties that belong to an host, that he must have the head of a stag,
+the bag of a nag, the belly of a hog, skip up and down like a frog, and
+fawn like a dog. As also the four ingredients whereof a woman's tongue
+is made, viz.: The sound of a great bell, the wagging of a dog's tail,
+the shaking of an aspen leaf tempered with running water.
+
+When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it oftentimes
+happened, he would then be playing the poet, and nothing but rhymes
+could then come out of his mouth; for as one writes:
+
+    Poet and pot doth differ but one letter,
+    And that makes poets love the pot the better.
+
+Amongst other of his conceits, this following comparison was much used
+by him:--
+
+    Like a purse that hath no chink in't,
+    Or a cellar and no drink in't,
+    Like a jewel never worn,
+    Or a child untimely born,
+    Like a song without a foot,
+    Or a bond and no hand to't,
+    Such doth she seem unto mine eyes,
+    That lives a virgin till she dies.
+
+    The money doth entice the purse,
+    The drink in the cellar quencheth thirst,
+    The jewel decks, if worn it is,
+    The child soon dies, abortive is;
+    The end o' the song doth sweetest sound,
+    The hand doth make the party bound.
+    So she that marries e'er death takes her,
+    Answers that for which Nature makes her.
+
+"Women," said he, "are all extremes, either too willing, or too wilful;
+too forward or too froward; too courteous or too coy; too friendly or
+too fiendly." This made Arminius, a ruler in Carthage, refuse to marry,
+saying, "If I marry a wife, she will be wilful; if wealthy, then wanton;
+if poor, then peevish; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then
+loathsome; and the least of these is able to plague a thousand men."
+
+
+    THE END.
+
+    PRINTED BY ROBERT MACLEHOSK, GLASGOW.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+Punctuation has been normalized.
+Hyphenation has been made consistent.
+Bonaparte is spelled three ways, two are in dialect, left as is.
+Page 18, changed "yoeman" to "yeoman" (The yeoman replied:)
+Page 19, changed "tiil" to "til" (merry til my wife)
+Page 149, changed "the mall" to "them all" (tell them all;)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
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