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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Amusing Prose Chap Books
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: R. H. Cunningham
+
+Release Date: June 25, 2011 [EBook #36517]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMUSING PROSE CHAP BOOKS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Feòrag NicBhrìde, Ron Stephens, David Garcia
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive/American
+Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ AMUSING
+
+ PROSE CHAP-BOOKS
+
+ _Chiefly of Last Century_
+
+ EDITED BY
+ ROBERT HAYS CUNNINGHAM
+
+ LONDON: HAMILTON, ADAMS, & CO
+ GLASGOW: THOMAS D. MORISON
+ 1889
+
+
+
+
+
+ EDITORIAL NOTE.
+
+
+Of late years there has been a largely increasing interest on the
+subject of folklore in its various departments. In such respects there
+has been a very considerable change in the feelings and tastes of the
+educated middle-class population of this country, from what there was
+several generations ago. Formerly the educated classes appeared to think
+that anything relating to the tastes or ideas of the common people was
+of very little interest. And in the course of some two hundred years
+back, leaving out the present time, the number of writers who thought it
+worth their while to deal with such topics were not much more than a
+dozen in number, including such men as Aubrey, Bourne, Brand, Hone,
+Strut, Halliwell, etc. Now, all that is changed, and it has been
+discovered that much of extreme interest can be learned from the
+superstitions, habits, beliefs, tastes, customs, ideas, amusements, and
+general social life of the uneducated or lower classes of previous
+times.
+
+Not the least interesting or least important of the many sources from
+which information on these and similar matters, can be obtained, is that
+of the _people's_ earliest popular literature--namely, the chap-book.
+Beginning at little after the commencement of the eighteenth century,
+and continuing for over a hundred years afterwards, right up to the
+general introduction and use of cheap magazines and cheap newspapers,
+the chap-book was almost the only kind of reading within the reach of
+the poorer portion of the nation.
+
+What adds greatly both to the interest attaching to the chap-book
+literature and to its importance, is the fact, that these literary
+productions, if they may be so termed, were almost entirely written by
+the people themselves; that is, they were written by the people for the
+people. This fact intensifies the conviction that they give a true and
+unvarnished description of the lower orders and their ways. Then, as
+now, every district had its proportion of local geniuses, who had a gift
+above their fellows in the matter of storytelling, or some other such
+way. And in many instances these narratives became chap-books, and were
+printed and reprinted times without number at the various printing
+establishments over the country devoted to business of that description.
+
+With regard to this feature in chap-book literature already referred
+to--namely, that it was composed by the people for the people, and thus
+gives a true portraiture of many features in their social life--still
+more may be said. It being the case that not a few of those who hawked
+these cheap volumes over the country were themselves the authors of some
+of them, and in the composition of the chaps, to a considerable extent,
+just reproduced circumstances, incidents, and narratives that they had
+met with in their wanderings over the country.
+
+To a very marked degree was this the case in the most prominent of all
+the Scottish chap-book writers--namely, Dougal Graham. See his works,
+two volumes octavo, collected and edited by George MacGregor in 1883. It
+would appear that at an early period of Graham's peregrinations he
+accompanied Prince Charlie's army in 1745-46 throughout its various
+fortunes, pursuing his trade as a hawker of sundry articles that might
+be in demand by the prince's retainers. After that event was over,
+Graham continued the calling of hawker and chapman, at the same time
+becoming the author of a number of chap-books. But after a while he got
+a step or two further on; for, finding such an immense demand for his
+extremely amusing, though coarse, volumes, he ultimately set up a
+printing press of his own, for the purpose of producing his chaps and
+supplying the chapmen with them, by whom they were spread broadcast over
+the country. The knowledge of such instances as this lends much
+additional value to the chap-book, as containing a forcible description
+of the social life and ideas of the masses in former times.
+
+A slight study of this department of literature will show that there
+was, then as now, much variety in the tastes of the people. And we also
+find that in this respect the various tastes could be fairly well met
+from among the stores of the chap-book publisher. In these days, just as
+at the present time, there had been any amount of enterprise on the part
+of authors and publishers in furnishing readers with whatever their
+fancy might desire. The _Litteratura Vulgi_ may be fairly well divided
+into the following or similar classifications:--Historical,
+biographical, religious, romantic, poetical, humorous, fabulous,
+supernatural, diabolical, legendary, superstitious, criminal,
+jest-books, etc.
+
+The strictly religious appear to be the fewest in number. The
+supernatural and the superstitious elements appear to have been more in
+demand, as the supply of such classes seems to have been greater,--in
+these days the marvellous had evidently very great charms. The romantic
+likewise had been in great request,--the old romances handed down from
+the days long before printing was invented continued up till last
+century to be of undiminished interest. Also, from the number of
+poetical chaps that have come down to us, it is evident that the demand
+for them had been great all over the country. The most popular of all,
+however, appears to have been the humorous section, which again might be
+subdivided into a variety of departments, each with numerous
+representatives. The love of fun and frolic was apparently as deeply
+implanted in the feelings and tastes of previous generations as of the
+present.
+
+Printing establishments devoted to the production of chap-books were
+pretty well scattered all over the country. In England the principal
+places appear to have been London, York, Birmingham, and Newcastle. In
+Scotland, the towns of Glasgow, Stirling, Falkirk, and Montrose appear
+to have carried off the palm in that respect. In Ireland there had been
+few places besides Dublin and Belfast.
+
+The immense volume of business done in the production of the chap-book,
+and its importance as an article of trade all over the country, has been
+a matter of surprise; and the more one investigates into the facts of
+the case, the more is one impressed with the magnitude of the
+institution. It appears to have given employment to many thousands of
+chapmen and printers' employees. As an instance of the profits derivable
+from the business as an article of trade, one publisher of chap-books,
+and that not in an especially large way, is known to have retired with
+accumulated profits amounting to £30,000, which in these days would
+represent a much larger sum than it does now.
+
+Notwithstanding the immense quantities of chap-books circulated
+broadcast over the country, comparatively early copies are now extremely
+rare. And the desire on the part of the public for their possession is
+now so great that about sixty times their original price is readily
+given--that is, what originally was sold for one penny, now frequently
+fetches five shillings, and sometimes more.
+
+In the present collection, which is chiefly of last century, the reader
+will find considerable variety, containing as it does interesting
+specimens of several classes or divisions of the popular literature,
+mostly, however, of an amusing and humorous nature; and from the perusal
+of the majority of the chaps herein contained, a good deal of
+entertainment may be derived.
+
+As a companion volume, it is the Editor's intention to issue shortly a
+collection of AMUSING POETICAL CHAP-BOOKS.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+ THE COMICAL HISTORY OF THE PAGE
+ KING AND THE COBBLER
+
+ Containing the Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+ played by the Cobbler, how he got acquainted with the King,
+ became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after, 13
+
+ THE MERRY TALES OF THE
+ WISE MEN OF GOTHAM, 23
+
+ THE HISTORY OF
+ THOMAS HICKATHRIFT, 35
+
+ THE HISTORY OF
+ JACK THE GIANT-KILLER
+
+ Containing his Birth and Parentage; His Meeting with the
+ King's Son; His Noble Conquests over many Monstrous
+ Giants; and his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he afterwards
+ married, 53
+
+ SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES
+ AND HIS
+ WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY
+
+ Which began the very next Morning after their Marriage, 69
+
+ THE ADVENTURES OF
+ BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,
+
+ Who was for more than forty years King of the Beggars, 78
+
+ THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF
+ PADDY FROM CORK
+
+ With his Coat Buttoned behind, being an Elegant Conference
+ between English Tom and Irish Teague; with Paddy's
+ Catechism, and his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor, 95
+
+ THE HISTORY OF
+ DICK WHITTINGTON
+ AND HIS CAT, 117
+
+ THE MAD PRANKS OF
+ TOM TRAM,
+
+ Son in Law to Mother Winter; to which are added his Merry
+ Jests and Pleasant Tales, 127
+
+ A YORK DIALOGUE BETWEEN
+ NED AND HARRY:
+
+ Or Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship and Marriage
+ State, 141
+
+ DANIEL O'ROURKE'S WONDERFUL
+ VOYAGE TO THE MOON. 150
+
+ MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET
+ NEWLY BROKE OPEN;
+
+ Containing Rare Secrets of Nature and Art, tried and experienced
+ by Learned Philosophers, and recommended to all ingenious
+ young men and maids, teaching them, in a natural way, how
+ to get good wives and husbands. Approved by several that
+ have made trial of them; it being the product of forty-nine
+ years' study. By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King,
+ a lover of Mirth but a hater of Treason. In Two Parts, 159
+
+ THE COMICAL HISTORY OF THE
+ COURTIER AND TINKER, 178
+
+ THE HISTORY OF THE
+ FOUR KINGS
+
+ Of Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland, their
+ Queens and Daughters; being the Merry Tales of Tom
+ Hodge and his School-Fellows, 187
+
+ THE PENNY
+ BUDGET OF WIT
+ AND PACKAGE OF DROLLERY, 200
+
+ THE MERRY CONCEITS OF
+ TOM LONG THE CARRIER,
+
+ Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which he observed
+ in his Travels. Full of Honest Mirth and Delight, 219
+
+ THE STORY OF
+ BLUE BEARD
+
+ Or the Effects of Female Curiosity, 230
+
+ THE LIFE OF
+ MANSIE WAUCH
+
+ Tailor in Dalkeith, 236
+
+ THE LIFE AND ASTONISHING ADVENTURES OF
+ Peter Williamson
+
+ Who was carried off when a Child from Aberdeen and sold for a
+ Slave, 254
+
+ THE FAMOUS EXPLOITS OF
+ ROBIN HOOD,
+ LITTLE JOHN, AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL,
+
+ Including an Account of his Birth, Education, and Death, 269
+
+ HISTORY OF
+ DR. FAUSTUS
+
+ Showing his wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+ to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+ what he pleased, also many strange things done by him with
+ the assistance of
+
+ MEPHISTOPHELES,
+
+ With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+ twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces, 286
+
+ THE WHOLE LIFE AND DEATH OF
+ LONG MEG
+
+ Of Westminster, 299
+
+ THE FAMOUS HISTORY OF THE LEARNED
+ FRIAR BACON
+
+ Giving a Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage, with the
+ many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime, to the
+ amazement of all the World, 309
+
+ THE HISTORY OF
+ THE BLIND BEGGAR
+ OF BETHNAL GREEN,
+
+ Containing his Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars
+ and Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+ how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her being
+ Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind Beggar
+ dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the Knight and the
+ Beggar's Daughter being Married; and, lastly, how the
+ famous Pedigree of the Beggar was discovered, and other
+ Things worthy of Note, 324
+
+ THE PLEASANT HISTORY OF
+ POOR ROBIN
+ THE MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN
+
+ Showing the Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+ and how he Tricked a Rich Miser, etc. Very diverting for
+ a Winter Evening Fireside, 337
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ AMUSING PROSE CHAP-BOOKS.
+
+ THE COMICAL HISTORY
+
+ OF THE
+
+ KING AND THE COBBLER
+
+ CONTAINING
+
+ The Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics
+ played by the Cobbler
+ How he got acquainted with the King,
+ became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _How King Henry VIII. used to visit the watches in the city
+ and how he became acquainted with a
+ merry, jovial cobbler._
+
+
+It was the custom of King Henry the Eighth to walk late in the night
+into the city disguised, to observe and take notice how the constables
+and watch performed their duty, not only in guarding the city gates, but
+also in diligently watching the inner parts of the city, that so they
+might, in a great measure, prevent those disturbances and casualties
+which too often happen in great and populous cities in the night; and
+this he did oftentimes, without the least discovery who he was,
+returning home to Whitehall early in the morning.
+
+Now, on his return home through the Strand, he took notice of a certain
+cobbler who was constantly up at work whistling and singing every
+morning. The king was resolved to see him and be acquainted with him, in
+order to which he immediately knocks the heel off his shoe by hitting it
+against a stone, and having so done, he bounced at the cobbler's stall.
+
+"Who's there?" cries the cobbler.
+
+"Here's one," cries the king. With that the cobbler opened the stall
+door, and the king asked him if he could put the heel on his shoe.
+
+"Yes, that I can," says the cobbler; "come in, honest fellow, and sit
+thee down by me and I will do it for thee straight," the cobbler
+scraping his awls and old shoes to one side to make room for the king to
+sit down.
+
+The king being hardly able to forbear laughing at the kindness of the
+cobbler, asked him if there was not a house hard by that sold a cup of
+ale and the people up.
+
+"Yes," said the cobbler, "there is an inn over the way, where I believe
+the folks are up, for the carriers go from thence very early in the
+morning."
+
+With that the king borrowed an old shoe off the cobbler and went over to
+the inn, desired the cobbler would bring his shoe to him thither as soon
+as he had put on the heel again. The cobbler promised he would; so
+making what haste he could to put on the heel, he carries it over to the
+king, saying, "Honest blade, here is thy shoe again, and I warrant thee
+it will not come off in such haste again."
+
+"Very well," says the king; "what must you have for your pains?"
+
+"A couple of pence," replied the cobbler.
+
+"Well," said the king, "seeing thou art an honest merry fellow, there is
+a tester for thee; come, sit down by me, I will drink a full pot with
+thee; come, here's a good health to the king."
+
+"With all my heart," said the cobbler, "I'll pledge thee were it in
+water."
+
+So the cobbler sat down by the king and was very merry, and drank off
+his liquor very freely; he likewise sung some of his merry songs and
+catches, whereat the king laughed heartily and was very jocund and
+pleasant with the cobbler, telling him withal that his name was Harry
+Tudor, that he belonged to the court, and that if he would come and see
+him there, he would make him very welcome, because he was a merry
+companion, and charged him not to forget his name, and to ask any one
+for him about the court and they would soon bring him to him; "For,"
+said the king, "I am very well known there."
+
+Now the cobbler little dreamt that he was the king that spake to him,
+much less that the king's name was Harry Tudor. Therefore, with a great
+deal of confidence, he stands up and puts off his hat, makes two or
+three scrapes with his foot and gives the king many thanks, also telling
+him that he was one of the most honest fellows he ever met with in all
+his lifetime, and although he never had been at court, yet he should not
+be long before he would make a holiday to come and see him.
+
+Whereupon the king paying for what they had drunk, would have taken his
+leave of the cobbler; but he, not being willing to part with him, took
+hold of his hand and said, "By my faith you must not go, you shall not
+go, you shall first go and see my poor habitation. I have there a tub of
+good brown ale that was never tapped yet, and you must go and taste it,
+for you are the most honest blade I ever met withal, and I love an
+honest merry companion with all my heart."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _How the cobbler entertained the king in his cellar, and
+ of the disturbance they had like to have had
+ by his wife Joan._
+
+
+So the cobbler took the king with him over the way, where he had his
+cellar adjoining the stall, which was handsomely and neatly furnished
+for a man of his profession. Into the cellar he took the king. "There,"
+said he, "sit down, you are welcome; but I must desire you to speak
+softly, for fear of waking my wife Joan, who lies hard by (showing the
+king a close bed made neatly up at one corner of the cellar, much like a
+closet), for if she should wake she will make our ears ring again."
+
+At which speech of the cobbler the king laughed and told him he would be
+mindful and follow his directions.
+
+Whereupon the cobbler kindled up a fire and fetched out a brown loaf,
+from which he cut a lusty toast, which he sat baking at the fire; then
+he brought out his Cheshire cheese. "Now," says he, "there is as much
+fellowship in eating as in drinking."
+
+Which made the king admire the honest freedom of the cobbler. So having
+eaten a bit the cobbler began. "A health to all true hearts and merry
+companions;" at which the king smiled, saying, "Friend, I'll pledge
+thee."
+
+In this manner they ate and drank together till it was almost break of
+day; the cobbler being very free with his liquor, and delighting the
+king with several of his old stories, insomuch that he was highly
+pleased with the manner of his entertainment; when, on a sudden, the
+cobbler's wife Joan began to awake. "I'faith," says the cobbler, "you
+must begone, my wife Joan begins to grumble, she'll awake presently, and
+I would not for half the shoes in my shop she should find you here."
+
+Then taking the king by the hand, he led him up the stairs, saying,
+"Farewell, honest friend, it shan't be long before I make a holiday to
+come and see thee at court."
+
+"Thou shalt be kindly welcome," replied the king.
+
+So they parted, the king on his way to Whitehall and the cobbler to his
+cellar, and there putting all things to rights before his wife Joan got
+up, he went to work again, whistling and singing as merry as he used to
+be, being much satisfied that he happened on so good and jovial a
+companion, still pleasing himself in his thoughts how merry he should be
+when he came to court.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How the cobbler prepared himself to go to court and how
+ he was set out in the best manner
+ by his wife Joan._
+
+
+Now as soon as the king came home, he sent out orders about the court,
+that if any one inquired for him by the name of Harry Tudor, they should
+immediately bring him before him, whatever he was, without any further
+examination.
+
+The cobbler thought every day a month till he had been at court to see
+his new acquaintance, and was troubled how he should get leave of his
+wife Joan, for he could not get without her knowledge, by reason he did
+resolve to make himself as fine as he could, for his wife always keeped
+the keys of his holiday clothes; whereupon one evening, as they sat at
+supper, finding her in a very good humour, he began to lay open his mind
+to her, telling her the whole story of their acquaintance, repeating it
+over and over again, that he was the most honest fellow that ever he met
+withal. "Husband," quoth she, "because you have been so ingenious as to
+tell me the whole truth, I will give you leave to make a holiday, for
+this once you shall go to court, and I will make you as fine as I can."
+
+So it was agreed that he should go to court the next day; whereupon
+Joan rose betime the next morning to brush up her husband's holiday
+clothes and make him as fine as she could. She washed and ironed the
+lace-band, and made his shoes shine that he might see his face in them;
+having done this she made her husband rise and pull off his shirt. Then
+she washed him with warm water from head to foot, putting on him a clean
+shirt; afterwards she dressed him in his holiday clothes, pinning his
+laced band in prim.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _The cobbler's reception at court with the manner of his
+ behaviour before the king._
+
+
+The cobbler being thus set forth, he strutted through the street like a
+crow in a gutter, thinking himself as fine as the best of them all.
+
+In this manner he came to the court, staring on this body and on that
+body as he walked up and down, and not knowing how to ask for Harry
+Tudor. At last he espied one as he thought, in the habit of a
+servant-man, to whom he made his address, saying--
+
+"Dost thou hear, honest fellow, do you know one Harry Tudor who belongs
+to the court?"
+
+"Yes," said the man, "follow me and I will bring you to him."
+
+With that he had him presently up into the guard chamber, telling one of
+the yeomen of the guard there was one that inquired for Harry Tudor.
+
+The yeoman replied: "I know him very well; if you please to go along
+with me, I'll bring you to him immediately."
+
+So the cobbler followed the yeoman, admiring very much the prodigious
+finery of the rooms which he carried him through. He thought within
+himself that the yeoman was mistaken in the person whom he inquired for;
+for, said he, "He whom I look for is a plain, merry, honest fellow, his
+name is Harry Tudor; we drank two pots together not long since. I
+suppose he may belong to some lord or other about the court?"
+
+"I tell you, friend," replied the yeoman, "I know him very well, do you
+but follow me and I shall bring you to him instantly."
+
+So going forward, he came into the room where the king was accompanied
+by several of his nobles, who attended him.
+
+As soon as the yeoman had put up by the arras, he spoke aloud, "May it
+please your majesty, here is one that inquires for Harry Tudor."
+
+The cobbler hearing this, thought he had committed no less than treason,
+therefore he up with his heels and ran for it; but not being acquainted
+with the several turnings and rooms through which he came, he was soon
+overtaken and brought before the king, whom the cobbler little thought
+to be the person he inquired after, therefore in a trembling condition
+he fell down on his knees, saying--
+
+"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I am a poor
+cobbler, who inquired for one Harry Tudor, who is a very honest fellow;
+I mended the heel of his shoe not long since, and for which he paid me
+nobly and gave me two pots to boot; but I had him afterwards to my
+cellar, where we drank part of a cup of nappy ale and we were very merry
+til my wife Joan began to grumble, which put an end to our merriment for
+that time; but I told him I would come to the court and see him as soon
+as conveniently I could."
+
+"Well," said the king, "don't be troubled, would you know this honest
+fellow again if you could see him?"
+
+The cobbler replied, "Yes; that I will among a thousand."
+
+"Then," said the king, "stand up and be not afraid, but look well about
+you, peradventure you may find the fellow in this company."
+
+Whereupon the cobbler arose and looked wistfully upon the king and the
+rest of the nobles, but it was to little or no purpose; for, though he
+saw something in the king's face which he thought he had seen before,
+yet he could not be Harry Tudor, the heel of whose shoe he had mended
+and who had been so merry a companion with him at the inn and at his own
+cellar.
+
+He therefore told the king he did not expect to find Harry Tudor among
+such fine folks as he saw there, but that the person he looked for was a
+plain, honest fellow. Adding withal, that he was sure that did Harry
+Tudor but know he was come to court, he would make him very welcome,
+"For," says the cobbler, "when we parted he charged me to come to court
+soon and see him, which I promised I would, and accordingly I have made
+a holiday on purpose to have a glass with him."
+
+At which speech of the cobbler's the king had much ado to forbear
+laughing out, but keeping his countenance as steady as he could before
+the cobbler, he spoke to the yeoman of the guard.
+
+"Here," said he, "take this honest cobbler down into my cellar and let
+him drink my health, and I will give orders that Harry Tudor shall come
+to him presently."
+
+So away they went, the cobbler being fit to leap out of his skin for
+joy, not only that he had come off so well, but that he should see his
+friend Harry Tudor.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _The cobbler's entertainment in the king's cellar._
+
+
+The cobbler had not been long in the king's cellar, before the king came
+to him in the same habit that he had on when the cobbler mended his
+shoe; whereupon the cobbler knew him immediately and ran and kissed him,
+saying, "Honest Harry, I have made an holiday on purpose to see you, but
+I had much ado to get leave of my wife Joan, who was loath to lose so
+much time from my work; but I was resolved to see you and therefore I
+made myself as fine as I could; but I'll tell thee, Harry, when I came
+to court I was in a peck of troubles how to find you out; but at last I
+met with a man who told me he knew you very well and that he would bring
+me to you, but instead of doing so he brought me before the king, which
+almost frightened me out of my seven senses; but faith, I'm resolved to
+be merry with you now, since I have met you at last."
+
+"Aye, that we shall," replied the king; "we shall be as merry as
+princes."
+
+Now after the cobbler had drunk about four or five good healths, he
+began to be merry and fell a-singing his old songs and catches, which
+pleased the king very much and made him laugh heartily.
+
+When on a sudden several of the nobles came into the cellar,
+extraordinary rich in apparel, and all stood uncovered before Harry
+Tudor, which put the cobbler into great amazement at first, but
+presently recovering himself, he looked more wistfully upon Harry Tudor,
+and soon knowing him to be the king, whom he saw in his presence
+chamber, though in another habit, he immediately fell upon his knees
+saying--
+
+"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I am a poor
+honest cobbler and mean no harm."
+
+"No, no," said the king, "nor shall receive any here, I assure you."
+
+He commanded him therefore to rise and be merry as he was before, and,
+though he knew him to be the king, yet he should use the same freedom
+with him as he did before, when he mended the heel of his shoe.
+
+This kind speech of the king's and three or four glasses of wine made
+the cobbler be in as good humour as before, telling the king several of
+his old stories and singing some of his best songs, very much to the
+satisfaction of the king and all his nobles.
+
+
+
+
+ THE COBBLER'S SONG IN THE KING'S CELLAR.
+
+
+ Come let us drink the other pot,
+ Our sorrows to confound;
+ We'll laugh and sing before the king,
+ So let his health go round.
+ For I am as bold as bold can be,
+ No cobbler e'er was ruder;
+ Then here, good fellow, here's to thee,
+ (Remembering Harry Tudor.)
+
+ When I'm at work within my stall,
+ Upon him I will think;
+ His kindness I to mind will call,
+ Whene'er I eat or drink.
+ His kindness was to me so great,
+ The like was never known,
+ His kindness I shall still repeat,
+ And so shall my wife Joan.
+
+ I'll laugh when I sit in my stall,
+ And merrily will sing;
+ That I with my poor last and awl,
+ Am fellow with the king.
+ But it is more I must confess,
+ Than I at first did know;
+ But Harry Tudor, ne'ertheless,
+ Resolves it shall be so.
+
+ And now farewell unto Whitehall,
+ I homeward must retire;
+ To sing and whistle in my stall,
+ My Joan will me desire.
+ I do but think how she shall laugh,
+ When she hears of this thing,
+ That he that drank her nut-brown ale,
+ Was England's Royal King.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _How the cobbler became a courtier._
+
+
+Now the king considering the pleasant humour of the cobbler, how
+innocently merry he was and free from any design; that he was a person
+that laboured very hard, and took a great deal of pains for a small
+livelihood, was pleased, out of his princely grace and favour, to allow
+him a liberal annuity of forty merks a year, for the better support of
+his jolly humour and the maintenance of his wife Joan, and that he
+should be admitted one of his courtiers, and that he might have the
+freedom of his cellar whenever he pleased.
+
+Which being so much beyond expectation, did highly exalt the cobbler's
+humour, much to the satisfaction of the king.
+
+So after a great many legs and scrapes, he returned home to his wife
+Joan, with the joyful news of his reception at court, which so well
+pleased her that she did not think much at the great pains she took in
+decking him for the journey.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE MERRY TALES
+
+ OF THE
+
+ WISE MEN OF GOTHAM.
+
+
+ TALE I.
+
+There were two men of Gotham, and one of them was going to Nottingham
+market to buy sheep, and both met together on Nottingham bridge. "Well
+met," said one to the other; "whither are you going?" said he that came
+from Nottingham. "Marry," said he that was going thither, "I am going to
+the market to buy sheep." "Buy sheep!" said the other, "which way will
+you bring them home?" "Marry," said the other, "I will bring them over
+this bridge." "By Robin Hood," said he that came from Nottingham, "but
+thou shalt not." "By my maid Margery," said the other, "but I will."
+"You shall not," said the one. "I will," said the other. Then they beat
+their staves one against the other and then against the ground, as if a
+hundred sheep had been betwixt them. "Hold there," said the one. "Beware
+of my sheep leaping over the bridge," said the other. "I care not," said
+the one. "They shall all come this way," said the other. "But they shall
+not," said the one. "Then," said the other, "if thou makest much ado, I
+will put my finger in thy mouth." "A groat thou wilt," said the other.
+And as they were in contention, another wise man that belonged to
+Gotham, came from the market with a sack of meal on his horse, and
+seeing his neighbours at strife about sheep and none betwixt them, said
+he, "Ah! fools, will you never learn wit? Then help me," continued he,
+"to lay this sack upon my shoulder." They did so and he went to the side
+of the bridge and shook out the meal into the river, saying, "How much
+meal is there in my sack, neighbour?" "Marry," said one, "there is
+none." "Indeed," replied this wise man, "even so much wit is there in
+your two heads, to strive for what you have not." Now which was the
+wisest of these three I leave thee to judge.
+
+
+ TALE II.
+
+There was a man of Gotham that rode to the market with two bushels of
+wheat, and, lest his horse should be damaged by carrying too great a
+burden, he was determined to carry the corn himself upon his own neck,
+and still kept riding upon his horse till he arrived at the end of his
+journey. I will leave you to judge which was the wisest, his horse or
+himself.
+
+
+ TALE III.
+
+On a time the men of Gotham fain would have pinned in the cuckoo that
+she might sing all the year, and in the midst of the town they had a
+hedge made round in compass, and got a cuckoo and put her into it, and
+said, "Sing here and thou shalt lack neither meat nor drink all the
+year." The cuckoo, when she found herself encompassed by the hedge, flew
+away. "A vengeance on her," said these wise men, "we did not make our
+hedge high enough."
+
+
+ TALE IV.
+
+There was a man of Gotham who went to Nottingham market to sell cheese,
+and going down the hill to Nottingham bridge, one of his cheeses fell
+out of his wallet and ran down the hill. "Prithee," said the man, "can
+you run to the market alone? I'll now send one after another." Then
+laying his wallet down and taking out the cheeses, he tumbled them down
+the hill one after another. Some ran into one bush and some into
+another. He charged them, however, to meet him at the market place. The
+man went to the market to meet the cheeses and staying till the market
+was almost over, then went and inquired of his neighbours if they saw
+his cheeses come to the market. "Why, who should bring them?" says one.
+"Marry, themselves," said the fellow, "they knew the way very well. A
+vengeance on them, they ran so fast I was afraid they would run beyond
+the market; I am sure they are by this time as far as York." So he
+immediately rode to York, but was much disappointed. And to add to it he
+never found nor heard of one of his cheeses.
+
+
+ TALE V.
+
+A man of Gotham bought, at Nottingham market, a trevet of bar iron, and
+going home with it his feet grew weary with the carriage. He set it
+down and seeing it had three feet said, "Prithee, thou hast three feet
+and I but two; thou shalt bear me home if thou wilt," so he set himself
+down upon it and said to it, "Bear me as long as I have done thee, for
+if thou dost not thou shalt stand still for me." The man of Gotham saw
+his trevet would not move. "Stand still," said he, "in the mayor's name
+and follow me if thou wilt and I can show you the right way." When he
+went home his wife asked where the trevet was. He said it had three legs
+and he had but two and he had taught him the ready way to his house,
+therefore he might come himself if he would. "Where did you leave the
+trevet?" said the woman. "At Gotham bridge," said he. So she immediately
+ran and fetched the trevet herself, otherwise she must have lost it on
+account of her husband's want of wit.
+
+
+ TALE VI.
+
+
+A certain smith of Gotham had a large wasp's nest in the straw at the
+end of the forge, and there coming one of his neighbours to have his
+horse shod, and the wasps being exceeding busy the man was stung by one
+of them. The man, being grievously affronted, said, "Are you worthy to
+keep a forge or not, to have men stung with these wasps?" "O neighbour,"
+said the smith, "be content, and I will put them from their nest
+presently." Immediately he took a coulter and heated it red hot, and
+thrust it into the straw at the end of his forge, and set it on fire and
+burnt it up. Then, said the smith, "I told thee I'd fire them out of
+their nest."
+
+
+ TALE VII.
+
+On Good Friday the men of Gotham consulted together what to do with
+their white herrings, sprats, and salt fish, and agreed that all such
+fish should be cast into a pond or pool in the midst of the town, that
+the number of them might increase the next year. Therefore everyone that
+had any fish left did cast them immediately into the pond. "Then," said
+one, "I have gotten left so many red herrings." "Well," said another,
+"and I have left so many whitings." Another cried out, "I have as yet
+gotten so many sprats left." "And," said the last, "I have gotten so
+many salt fishes, let them go together in the great pond, without any
+distinction, and we may be sure to fare like lords the next year." At
+the beginning of the next Lent, they immediately went about drawing the
+pond, imagining they should have the fish, but were much surprised to
+find nothing but a great eel. "Ah!" said they, "a mischief on this eel,
+for he hath eaten up our fish." "What must we do with him?" said one.
+"Chop him in pieces," said another. "Nay, not so," said another; "but
+let us drown him." "Be it accordingly so," replied they all. So they
+went immediately to another pond and cast the eel into the water. "Lay
+there," said these wise men, "and shift for thyself, since you may not
+expect help from us." So they left the eel to be drowned.
+
+
+ TALE VIII.
+
+On a time the men of Gotham had forgotten to pay their rents to their
+landlord; so one said to the other, "To-morrow must be pay-day, by whom
+can we send our money?" So one said, "I have this day taken a hare and
+she may carry it, for she is very quick-footed." "Be it so," replied the
+rest; "she shall have a letter and a purse to put our money in, and we
+can direct her the way." When the letter was written and the money put
+into a purse, they tied them about the hare's neck, saying, "You must
+first go to Loughborough and then to Leicester, and at Newark is our
+landlord; then commend us to him and there is his due." The hare, as
+soon as she got out of their hands, ran quite a contrary way. Some said,
+"Thou must first go to Loughborough." Others said, "Let the hare alone,
+for she can tell a nearer way than the best of us, let her go."
+
+
+ TALE IX.
+
+A man of Gotham, that went mowing in the meadow, found a large
+grasshopper. He instantly threw down his scythe and ran home to his
+neighbour and said that the devil was at work in the field, and was
+hopping among the grass. Then was every man ready with their clubs,
+staves, halberts, and other weapons to kill the grasshopper. When they
+came to the place where the grasshopper was, said one to the other, "Let
+every man cross himself from the devil, for we will not meddle with
+him." So they returned again and said, "We are blest this day that we
+went no farther." "O, ye cowards!" said he that left the scythe in the
+meadow, "help me to fetch my scythe." "No," answered they, "it is good
+to sleep in a whole skin. It is much better for thee to lose thy scythe
+than to mar us all."
+
+
+ TALE X.
+
+On a certain time there were twelve men of Gotham that went to fish;
+some waded in the water and some stood on dry land. In going home, one
+said to the other, "We have ventured wonderfully in wading, I pray God
+that none of us did come from home to be drowned." "Nay, marry," said
+one to the other, "let us see that, for there did twelve of us come
+out." Then they told themselves and every one told eleven. Said the one
+to the other, "There is one of us drowned." Then they went back to the
+brook where they'd been fishing, and sought up and down for him that was
+drowned, making a great lamentation. A courtier coming by asked what it
+was they sought for and why they were sorrowful. "Oh," said they, "this
+day we went to fish in the brook; twelve of us came out together and one
+is drowned." The courtier said, "Tell how many there be of you." One of
+them told eleven, but he did not tell himself. "Well," said the
+courtier, "what will you give me and I will find the twelfth man?" "All
+the money we have got," said they. "Give me the money," said he. He
+began with the first and gave him a stroke over the shoulders with his
+whip, that made him groan, saying, "Here is one," and so he served them
+all, and they groaned at the matter. When he came to the last, he paid
+him well, saying, "Here is the twelfth man." "God's blessings on thee,"
+said they, "for finding our brother."
+
+
+ TALE XI.
+
+A man of Gotham, riding along the highway, saw a cheese, so drew his
+sword and pricked it with the point in order to pick it up. Another man
+who came by alighted, picked it up and rode away with it. The man of
+Gotham rides to Nottingham to buy a long sword to pick up the cheese,
+and returning to the place where it did lie, he pulled out his sword,
+pricked the ground and said, "If I had had but this sword I should have
+had the cheese myself, but now another has come before me and got it."
+
+
+ TALE XII.
+
+A man in Gotham that did not love his wife, and she having fair hair he
+said divers times he would cut it off, but durst not do it when she was
+awake, so he resolved to do it when she was asleep; therefore, one night
+he took a pair of shears and put them under his pillow, which his wife
+perceiving, said to her maid, "Go to bed to my husband to-night, for he
+intends to cut off my hair; let him cut off thy hair and I will give
+thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst see." The maid did so and
+feigned herself asleep, which the man perceiving, cut off her hair,
+wrapped it about the shears, and laying them under the pillow, fell
+asleep. The maid arose and the wife took the hair and shears and went to
+the hall and burnt the hair. The man had a fine horse that he loved, and
+the good wife went into the stable, cut off the hair of the horse's
+tail, wrapped the shears up in it and laid them under the pillow again.
+Her husband, seeing her combing her head in the morning, marvelled
+thereat. The girl, seeing her master in a deep study, said, "What ails
+the horse in the stable, he has lost his tail?" The man ran into the
+stable and found the horse's tail was cut off; then going to the bed, he
+found the shears wrapped up in his horse's tail. He then went to his
+wife, saying, "I crave thy mercy, for I intended to cut off thy hair,
+but I have cut off my own horse's tail." "Yea," said she, "self do self
+have." Many men think to do a bad turn, but it turneth oftimes to
+themselves.
+
+
+ TALE XIII.
+
+A man of Gotham laid his wife a wager that she could not make him a
+cuckold. "No," said she, "but I can." "Do not spare me," said he, "but
+do what you can." On a time she had hid all the spigots and faucets, and
+going into the buttery, set a barrel of broach, and cried to her spouse,
+"Pray, bring me a spigot and faucet or else the ale will all run out."
+He sought up and down but could not find one. "Come here then," said
+she, "and put thy finger in the tap-hole." Then she called a tailor with
+whom she made a bargain. Soon after she came to her husband and brought
+a spigot and a faucet, saying, "Pull thy finger out of the tap-hole,
+good cuckold. Beshrew your heart for your trouble," said she, "make no
+such bargain with me again."
+
+
+ TALE XIV.
+
+A man of Gotham took a young buzzard and invited four or five
+gentlemen's servants to the eating of it; but the wife killed an old
+goose, and she and two of her gossips ate up the buzzard, and the old
+goose was laid to the fire for the gentlemen's servants. So when they
+came the goose was set before them. "What is this?" said one of them.
+The goodman said, "A curious buzzard." "A buzzard! why it is an old
+goose, and thou art an knave to mock us," and so departed in great
+anger. The fellow was sorry that he had affronted them, and took a bag
+and put the buzzard's feathers in it; but his wife desired him, before
+he went, to fetch a block of wood, and in the interim she pulled out the
+buzzard's feathers and put in the goose's. The man, taking the bag, went
+to the gentlemen's servants and said, "Pray, be not angry with me, you
+shall see I had a buzzard, for here be the feathers." Then, he opened
+the bag and took out the goose's feathers; upon which one of them took a
+cudgel and gave him a dozen of stripes, saying, "Why, you knave, could
+you not be content to mock us at home, but you are come here to mock us
+also."
+
+
+ TALE XV.
+
+A man's wife of Gotham was brought to bed of a male child, and the
+father invited the gossips who were children of eight or ten years of
+age. The eldest child's name was Gilbert, the second's name was
+Humphrey, and the godmother was called Christabel. Their relations
+admonished them divers times, that they must all say after the parson.
+And when they were come to the church, the priest said, "Be you all
+agreed of the name?" "Gilbert, Humphrey, and Christabel," said the same.
+The priest then said, "Wherefore came you hither?" They immediately said
+the same. The priest being amazed could not tell what to say, but
+whistled and said, "Whey," and so did they. The priest being angry,
+said, "Go home, you fools, go home." Then Gilbert, Humphrey, and
+Christabel did the same. The priest then provided godfathers and
+godmothers himself.
+
+
+ TALE XVI.
+
+A young man of Gotham went a wooing a fair maid: his mother warned him
+beforehand, saying, "Whenever you look at her, cast a sheep's eye at
+her, and say, 'How dost thou, my sweet pigmy?'" The fellow went to a
+butcher and bought seven or eight sheep eyes. And when this lusty wooer
+was at dinner, he would look upon the fair wench and cast in her face a
+sheep's eye, saying, "How dost thou do, my sweet pigmy?" "How do I do,"
+said the wench; "swine's face, what do you mean by casting a sheep's eye
+at me?" "O! sweet pigmy, have at thee with another." "I defy thee,
+swine's face," said the wench. "What my sweet old pigmy, be content, for
+if you live to next year you will be a foul sow." "Walk, knave, walk,"
+said she, "for if you live till next year you will be a fool."
+
+
+ TALE XVII.
+
+There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and when the day of
+marriage was come they went to the church. The priest said, "Do you say
+after me." The man said "Do you say after me." The priest said, "Say not
+after me such like, but say what I shall tell you; thou dost play the
+fool to mock the holy scriptures concerning matrimony." The fellow said,
+"Thou dost play the fool to mock the holy scriptures concerning
+matrimony." The priest wist not what to say, but answered, "What shall I
+do with this fool?" and the man said, "What shall I do with this fool?"
+So the priest took his leave and would not marry them. The man was
+instructed by others how to do, and was afterwards married. And thus the
+breed of the Gothamites has been perpetuated even unto this day.
+
+
+ TALE XVIII.
+
+There was a Scotsman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took a house a little
+distance from London and turned it into an inn, and for his sign he
+would have a boar's head. Accordingly he went to a carver and said, "Can
+you make me a bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "Then," said he, "make
+me a bare head, and thou'se hae twenty shillings for thy hire." "I will
+do it," said the carver. On St. Andrew's day before Christmas (called
+Yule in Scotland) the Scot came to London for his boar's head. "I say,
+speak," said the Scotsman, "hast thou made me a bare head?" "Yes," said
+the carver. He went and brought a man's head of wood that was bare, and
+said, "Sir, there is your bare head." "Ay," said the Scot, "the meikle
+de'il! is this a bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "I say," said the
+Scotsman, "I will have a bare head like the head that follows a sow with
+gryces. What, fool, know you not a sow that will greet and groan and cry
+a-week, a-week." "What," said the carver, "do you mean a pig?" "Yes,"
+said the Scotsman, "let me have her head made of timber, and set on her
+a scalp and let her sing, 'Whip whire.'" The carver said he could not.
+"You fool," said he, "gar her as she'd sing whip whire."
+
+
+ TALE XIX.
+
+In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham were got into an
+ale-house, and said they were all profitable to their husbands. "Which
+way, good gossips?" said the ale-wife. The first said, "I will tell you
+all, good gossips, I cannot brew nor bake, therefore I am every day
+alike, and go to the ale-house because I cannot go to church; and in the
+ale-house I pray to God to speed my husband, and I am sure my prayers
+will do him more good than my labour." Then said the second, "I am
+profitable to my husband in saving of candle in winter, for I cause my
+husband and all my people to go to bed by daylight and rise by
+daylight." The third said, "I am profitable in sparing bread, for I
+drink a gallon of ale, and I care not much for meat." The fourth said,
+"I am loath to spend meat and drink at home, so I go to the tavern at
+Nottingham and drink wine and such other things as God sends me there."
+The fifth said, "A man will ever have more company in another's house
+than his own, and most commonly in the ale-house." The sixth said, "My
+husband has flax and wool to spare if I go to other folk's houses to do
+their work." The seventh said, "I spare my husband's wood and clothes,
+and sit all day talking at other folks' fires." The eighth said, "Beef,
+mutton, and pork are dear, I therefore take pigs, chickens, conies, and
+capons, being of a lesser price." The ninth said, "I spare my husband's
+soap, for instead of washing once a week, I wash but once a quarter."
+Then said the ale-wife, "I keep all my husband's ale from souring; for
+as I was wont to drink it almost up, now I never leave a drop."
+
+
+ TALE XX.
+
+On Ash Wednesday, the minister of Gotham would have a collection from
+his parishioners, and said unto them. "My friends, the time is come that
+you must use prayer, fasting, and alms, but come ye to shrift, I will
+tell you more of my mind, but as for prayer I don't think that two men
+in the parish can say their paternoster. As for fasting, ye fast still,
+for ye have not a good meal's meat in the year. As for alm-deeds, what
+should they give that have nothing? In Lent you must refrain from
+drunkenness and abstain from drink." "No, not so," said one fellow, "for
+it is an old proverb, 'That fish should swim.'" "Yes," said the priest,
+"they must swim in the water." "I crave thy mercy," quoth the fellow, "I
+thought it should have swam in fine ale, for I have been told so." Soon
+after the men of Gotham came to shrift, and being seven the priest knew
+not what penance to give. He said, "If I enjoin you to pray, you cannot
+say your paternoster. And it is but folly to make you fast, because you
+never eat a meal's meat. Labour hard and get a dinner on Sunday, and I
+will partake of it." Another man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and
+another on Tuesday, and another on Wednesday, and so on one after
+another, that one or other should fare well once in the week, that he
+might have part of their meat, on every day during the week. "And as for
+your alm-deeds," the priest said, "ye be but beggars all, except one or
+two, therefore bestow your alms on yourselves."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE HISTORY
+
+ OF
+
+ THOMAS HICKATHRIFT
+
+
+ PART THE FIRST.
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _Tom's Birth and Parentage._
+
+
+In the reign of William the Conqueror, having read in ancient records,
+there lived in the Isle of Ely, in Cambridgeshire, a man named Thomas
+Hickathrift, a poor labourer, yet he was an honest, stout man, and able
+to do as much work in a day as two ordinary men. Having only one son, he
+called him after his own name, Thomas. The old man put his son to
+school, but he would not learn anything.
+
+It pleased God to call the old man aside, and his mother being tender of
+her son, she maintained him by her own labour as well as she could; but
+all his delight was in the corner; and he ate as much at once as would
+serve five ordinary men.
+
+At ten years old he was near six feet high, and three in thickness; his
+hand was much like to a shoulder of mutton, and every other part
+proportionable; but his great strength was yet unknown.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _How Thomas Hickathrift's Great Strength Came to be Known._
+
+
+Tom's mother, being a poor widow, went to a rich farmer's house to beg a
+bundle of straw to shift herself and her son Thomas. The farmer, being
+an honest charitable man, bid her take what she wanted. She going home
+to her son Thomas, said, "Pray go to such a place, and fetch me a bundle
+of straw; I have asked leave." He swore he would not go. "Nay, prithee
+go," said the good old mother. He again swore he would not go, unless
+she would borrow him a cart rope. She being willing to please him, went
+and borrowed one.
+
+Then taking up the cart rope, away he went, and coming to the farmer's
+house, the master was in the barn, and two other men threshing.
+
+Said Tom, "I am come for a bundle of straw." "Tom," said the farmer,
+"take as much as thou can'st carry." So he laid down his cart rope, and
+began to make up his bundle.
+
+"Your rope, Tom," said they, "is too short," and jeered him. But he
+fitted the farmer well for his joke; for when he had made up his burden,
+it was supposed to be near a thousand weight. "But," said they, "what a
+fool thou art; for thou can'st not carry the tithe of it." But, however,
+he took up his burden, and made no more of it than we do of an hundred
+pounds weight, to the great astonishment of both master and men.
+
+Now Tom's strength beginning to be known in the town, they would not let
+him lie basking in the chimney corner, every one hiring him to work,
+seeing he had so much strength, all telling him it was a shame for him
+to lie idle as he did from day to day; so that Tom finding them bait at
+him as they did, went first to one to work and then to another.
+
+One day a man came to him, desiring him to bring a tree home. So Tom
+went with him and four other men.
+
+Now when they came to the wood they set the cart by the tree, and began
+to draw it by pulleys; but Tom seeing them not able to stir it, said,
+"Stand aside, fools," and so set on the one end, and then put it into
+the cart. "There," said he, "see what a man can do!" "Marry," said they,
+"that is true indeed."
+
+Having done, and coming through the wood, they met the woodman; and Tom
+asked him for a stick to make his mother a fire with.
+
+"Aye," says the woodman, "take one."
+
+So Tom took up a bigger than that on the cart, and putting it on his
+shoulder, walked home with it faster than the six horses in the cart
+drew the other.
+
+Now this was the second instance of Tom showing his strength; by which
+time he began to think that he had more natural strength than twenty
+common men, and from that time Tom began to grow very tractable; he
+would jump, run, and take delight in young company, and would ride to
+fairs and meetings, to see sports and diversions.
+
+One day going to a wake where the young men were met, some went to
+wrestling, and some to cudgels, some to throwing the hammer, and the
+like.
+
+Tom stood awhile to see the sport, and at last he joined the company in
+throwing the hammer: at length he took the hammer in his hand, and felt
+the weight of it, bidding them stand out of the way, for he would try
+how far he could throw it.
+
+"Ay," says the old smith, "you will throw it a great way, I warrant
+you."
+
+Tom took the hammer, and giving it a swing, threw it into a river four
+or five furlongs distant, and bid them go and fetch it out.
+
+After this Tom joined the wrestlers, and though he had no more skill
+than an ass, yet by main strength he flung all he grasped with; if once
+he but laid hold they were gone; some he threw over his head, and others
+he laid gently down.
+
+He did not attempt to look or strike at their heels, but threw them two
+or three yards from him, and sometimes on their heads, ready to break
+their necks. So that at last none durst enter the ring to wrestle with
+him, for they took him to be some devil among them.
+
+Thus was the fame of Tom's great strength spread more and more about the
+country.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How Tom became a Brewer's Servant; how he killed a
+ Giant, and came to be called Mr. Hickathrift._
+
+
+Tom's fame being spread, no one durst give him an angry word; for being
+foolhardy, he cared not what he did, so that those who knew him would
+not displease him. At last a brewer of Lynn, who wanted a lusty man to
+carry beer to the Marsh and to Wisbeach, hearing of Tom, came to hire
+him; but Tom would not hire himself till his friends persuaded him, and
+his master promised him a new suit of clothes from top to toe, and also
+that he should be his man; and the master showed him where he should go,
+for there was a monstrous giant who kept part of the Marsh, and none
+dared to go that way; for if the giant found them he would either kill
+them or make them his servants.
+
+But to come to Tom and his master, Tom did more in one day than all the
+rest of his men did in three: so that his master seeing him so tractable
+and careful in his business, made him his head man, and trusted him to
+carry beer by himself, for he needed none to help him. Thus Tom went
+each day to Wisbeach, a journey of near twenty miles.
+
+Tom going this journey so often, and finding the other road the giant
+kept nearer by the half, and Tom having increased his strength by being
+so well kept, and improving his courage by drinking so much strong ale;
+one day as he was going to Wisbeach, without saying anything to his
+master or any of his fellow servants, he resolved to make the nearest
+road or lose his life; to win the horse or lose the saddle; to kill or
+be killed, if he met with this giant.
+
+Thus resolved, he goes the nearest way with his cart, flinging open the
+gates in order to go through; but the giant soon spied him, and seeing
+him a daring fellow, vowed to stop his journey and make a prize of his
+beer; but Tom cared not a groat for him, and the giant met him like a
+roaring lion, as though he would have swallowed him up.
+
+"Sirrah," said he, "who gave you authority to come this way? Do you not
+know that I make all stand in fear of my sight? and you, like an
+impudent rogue, must come and fling open my gates at pleasure. Are you
+so careless of your life that you do not care what you do? I will make
+you an example to all rogues under the sun. Dost thou not see how many
+heads hang upon yonder tree that have offended my laws? Thine shall hang
+higher than any of them all."
+
+"A tod in your teeth," said Tom, "you shall not find me like them."
+
+"No," said the giant; "why, you are but a fool if you come to fight me,
+and bring no weapon to defend thyself."
+
+Cries Tom, "I have got a weapon here that shall make you know I am your
+master."
+
+"Aye, say you so, sirrah," said the giant, and then ran to his cave to
+fetch his club, intending to dash his brains out at a blow.
+
+While the giant was gone for his club, Tom turned his cart upside down,
+taking the axle tree and wheel for his sword and buckler; and excellent
+weapons they were on such an emergency.
+
+The giant coming out again began to stare at Tom, to see him take the
+wheel in one of his hands and the axle tree in the other.
+
+"Oh, oh!" said the giant, "you are like to do great things with those
+instruments; I have a twig here that will beat thee, thy axle tree, and
+wheel to the ground."
+
+Now that which the giant called a twig was as thick as a mill post; with
+this the giant made a blow at Tom with such force as made his wheel
+crack.
+
+Tom, not in the least daunted, gave him as brave a blow on the side of
+the head, which made him reel again.
+
+"What," said Tom, "have you got drunk with my small beer already?" The
+giant recovering, made many hard blows at Tom; but still as they came he
+kept them off with his wheel, so that he received but very little hurt.
+
+In the meantime Tom plied him so well with blows that sweat and blood
+ran together down the giant's face, who, being fat and foggy, was almost
+spent with fighting so long, so begged Tom to let him drink, and then he
+would fight him again.
+
+"No," said Tom, "my mother did not teach me such wit. Who is fool then?"
+Whereupon, finding the giant grew weak, Tom redoubled his blows till he
+brought him to the ground.
+
+The giant, finding himself overcome, roared hideously, and begged Tom to
+spare his life and he would perform anything he should desire, even
+yield himself unto him and be his servant.
+
+But Tom, having no more mercy on him than a dog upon a bear, laid on him
+till he found him breathless, and then cut off his head, after which he
+went into his cave, and there found great store of gold and silver,
+which made his heart leap for joy.
+
+When he had rummaged the cave, and refreshed himself a little, he
+restored the wheel and axle tree to their places, and loaded his beer on
+his cart, and went to Wisbeach, where he delivered his beer, and
+returned home the same night as usual.
+
+Upon his return to his master, he told him what he had done, which,
+though he was rejoiced to hear, he could not altogether believe, till he
+had seen if it were true.
+
+Next morning Tom's master went with him to the place, to be convinced of
+the truth, as did most of the inhabitants of Lynn.
+
+When they came to the place they were rejoiced to find the giant quite
+dead; and when Tom showed them the head and what gold and silver there
+was in the cave, all of them leaped for joy; for the giant had been a
+great enemy to that part of the country.
+
+News was soon spread that Tom Hickathrift had killed the giant, and
+happy was he that could come to see the giant's cave; and bonfires were
+made all round the country for Tom's success.
+
+Tom, by the general consent of the country, took possession of the
+giant's cave and riches. He pulled down the cave, and built himself a
+handsome house on the spot. He gave part of the giant's lands to the
+poor for their common, and the rest he divided and enclosed for an
+estate to maintain him and his mother.
+
+Now Tom's fame was spread more and more through the country, and he was
+no longer called plain Tom, but Mr. Hickathrift, and they feared his
+anger now almost as much as they did that of the giant before.
+
+Tom now finding himself very rich, resolved his neighbours should be the
+better for it. He enclosed himself a park and kept deer; and just by his
+house he built a church, which he dedicated to St. James, because on
+that saint's day he killed the giant.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _How Tom kept a pack of Hounds, and of his being attacked
+ by some Highwaymen._
+
+
+Tom not being used to such a stock of riches, could hardly tell how to
+dispose of it; but he used means to do it, for he kept a pack of hounds
+and men to hunt them; and who but Tom; he took much delight in sports
+and exercises, and he would go far and near to a merry making.
+
+One day as Tom was riding he saw a company at football, and dismounted
+to see them play for a wager; but he spoiled all their sport, for
+meeting the football, he gave it such a kick that they never found it
+more; whereupon they began to quarrel with Tom, but some of them got
+little good by it; for he got a spar, which belonged to an old house
+that had been blown down, with which he drove all opposition before
+him, and made a way wherever he came.
+
+After this, going home late in the evening, he was met by four
+highwaymen, well mounted, who had robbed all the passengers that
+travelled on that road.
+
+When they saw Tom, and found that he was alone, they were cock sure of
+his money, and bid him stand and deliver.
+
+"What must I deliver?" cries Tom. "Your money, sirrah," said they.
+"Aye," said Tom, "but you shall give me better words for it first, and
+be better armed too."
+
+"Come, come," said they, "we came not here to prate, but for your money,
+and money we must have before we go." "Is it so?" said Tom; "then get it
+and take it."
+
+Whereupon one of them made at him with a rusty sword, which Tom
+immediately wrenched out of his hand, and attacked the whole four with
+it, and made them set spurs to their horses; but seeing one had a
+portmanteau behind him, and supposing it contained money, he more
+closely pursued them, and soon overtook them and cut their journey
+short, killing two of them and sadly wounding the other two, who,
+begging hard for their lives, he let them go, but took away all their
+money, which was about two hundred pounds, to bear his expenses home.
+
+When Tom came home he told them how he had served the poor football
+players and the four thieves, which produced much mirth and laughter
+amongst all the company.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _Tom, meets with a Tinker and of the Battle they Fought._
+
+
+Some time afterwards, as Tom was walking about his estate to see how his
+workmen went on, he met upon the skirts of the forest a very sturdy
+tinker, having a good staff on his shoulder and a great dog to carry his
+budget of tools. So Tom asked the tinker from whence he came and
+whither he was going, as that was no highway? Now the tinker being a
+very sturdy fellow, bid him go look, what was that to him? But fools
+must always be meddling.
+
+"Hold," said Tom, "before you and I part I will make you know who I am."
+
+"Aye," says the tinker, "it is three years since I had a combat with any
+man; I have challenged many a one, but none dare face me, so I think
+they are all cowards in this part of the country; but I hear there is a
+man lives hereabouts named Thomas Hickathrift, who has killed a giant,
+him I'd willingly see to have a bout with him."
+
+"Aye," said Tom, "I am the man. What have you to say to me?"
+
+"Truly," said the tinker, "I am very glad we are so happily met, that we
+may have one touch."
+
+"Surely," said Tom, "you are but in jest."
+
+"Marry," said the tinker, "but I am in earnest."
+
+"A match," said Tom.
+
+"It is done," said the tinker.
+
+"But," said Tom, "will you give me leave to get me a twig?"
+
+"Aye," said the tinker, "I hate him that fights with a man unarmed."
+
+So Tom stepped to a gate and took a rail for a staff. So to it they
+fell. The tinker at Tom, and Tom at the tinker, like two giants. The
+tinker had a leather coat on, so that every blow Tom gave him made it
+roar again, yet the tinker did not give way an inch till Tom gave him
+such a bang on the side of the head that felled him to the ground.
+
+"Now, tinker, where art thou?" said Tom. But the tinker being a nimble
+fellow, leaped up again, and gave Tom a bang, the which made him reel,
+and following his blows, took Tom on the other side, which made him
+throw down his weapon and yield the mastery to the brave tinker.
+
+After this Tom took the tinker home to his house, where we shall leave
+them to improve their acquaintance, and get themselves cured of the
+bruises they gave each other. And for a further account of the merry
+pranks of Tom and the tinker, the reader is referred to the Second Part,
+which is far more entertaining than this.
+
+
+
+
+ PART THE SECOND.
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+
+ _Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker conquer Ten Thousand Rebels._
+
+
+In and about the Isle of Ely, many disaffected persons, to the number of
+ten thousand or upwards, drew themselves together in a body, pretending
+to contend for their rights and privileges, which they said had been
+greatly infringed; insomuch that the civil magistrates of the country
+thought themselves in great danger of their lives.
+
+Whereupon the sheriff by night came to the house of Mr. Thomas
+Hickathrift, as a secure place of refuge in so eminent a time of danger,
+where he laid open to Mr. Hickathrift the unreasonableness of the
+complaint of these rebels, and begged his protection and assistance.
+
+"Sheriff," said Tom, "what service my brother," meaning the tinker, "and
+I can perform shall not be wanting."
+
+This said, in the morning, by break of day, with trusty clubs, they both
+went out, desiring the sheriff to be their guide in conducting them to
+the place where the rebels were.
+
+When they came there, Tom and the tinker marched boldly up to the head
+of them, and demanded the reason why they disturbed the government? To
+which they replied, "That their will was their law, and by that only we
+will be governed."
+
+"Nay," said Tom, "if it be so, these are our weapons, and by them ye
+shall be chastised." These words were no sooner out of his mouth, but
+the tinker and he threw themselves both together into the crowd, where
+with their clubs they beat down all before them. Nay, remarkable it was,
+the tinker struck a tall man upon the neck with such force that his head
+flew off and was carried ten yards from him, and struck the chief leader
+with such violence as levelled him to the ground.
+
+Tom, on the other hand, pressing forward, beat down all before him,
+making great havoc, till by an unfortunate blow he broke his club; yet
+he was not in the least dismayed, for he presently seized a lusty,
+stout, raw-boned miller, and so made use of him for a weapon, till at
+last they cleared the field, that not one of them durst lift up their
+hand against them.
+
+Shortly after Tom took some of them and exposed them to public justice;
+the rest being pardoned at the request of Tom and the tinker.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker are sent for up to Court;
+ and of their kind Entertainment._
+
+
+The king being truly informed of the faithful services performed by
+these his loving subjects, Tom Hickathrift and the tinker, he was
+pleased to send for them and the nobility.
+
+Now after the banquet the king said, "These are my trusty and
+well-beloved subjects, men of known courage and valour, who conquered
+ten thousand persons who were met together to disturb the peace of my
+realm.
+
+"According to the characters given of Thomas Hickathrift and Henry
+Nonsuch, persons here present, which cannot be matched in the world; all
+were it possible to have an army of 20,000 such, I durst immediately
+venture to act the part of great Alexander.
+
+"As a proof of my favour, kneel down and receive the order of
+knighthood, Mr. Hickathrift; and as for Henry Nonsuch I will settle upon
+him a reward of forty pounds a year during life."
+
+So said, the king withdrew, and Sir Thomas Hickathrift and Henry
+Nonsuch, the tinker, returned to their home. But, to the great grief of
+Sir Thomas Hickathrift, he found his mother dead and buried.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _Tom, after the Death of his Mother, goes a-wooing; and of
+ a Trick he served a Gallant, who had offended him._
+
+
+Tom's mother being dead, and he left alone in a spacious house, he found
+himself strange; therefore began to consider with himself that it would
+not be amiss to seek a wife; so, hearing of a rich and young widow in
+Cambridge, he goes to her and makes his addresses, and at the first
+coming she seemed to show him much favour; but between that and his
+coming again she gave entertainment to an airy, brisk, and young spark
+that happened to come in while Tom was there a second time.
+
+He looked very wistfully at Tom, and Tom stared as fiercely at him
+again; so at last the young spark began to abuse Tom with very
+affronting language, saying he was a lubberly welp and a scoundrel.
+
+"A scoundrel!" said Tom. "Better sayings would become you; and if you do
+not instantly mend your manners, you will meet with correction."
+
+At which the young man challenged him; so to the yard they went--the
+young man with his sword, and Tom with neither stick nor staff.
+
+Said the spark, "Have you nothing to defend yourself? Then I shall the
+sooner despatch you."
+
+So he made a pass at Tom, but that he butt by; and then, wheeling round
+unto his back, Tom gave him such a nice kick in the breech as sent the
+spark like a crow up in the air, whence he fell upon the ridge of a
+thatched house, and came down into a fish-pond, where he had certainly
+been drowned if it had not been for a poor shepherd, who was walking by
+that road, and, seeing him floating on the water, dragged him out with
+his hook, and home he returned like a drowned rat; whilst Tom enjoyed
+the kind embraces of his lady.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _How Tom served Two Troopers, whom the Spark had
+ hired to beset him._
+
+
+Now the young gallant vexed himself to think how Tom had conquered him
+before his new mistress, so was resolved on speedy revenge, and, knowing
+he was not able to cope with Tom, he hired two lusty troopers, well
+mounted, to lie in ambush under a thicket, which Tom was to pass on his
+way home, and so accordingly they both attempted to set upon him.
+
+"How now, rascals!" said Tom; "what would you be at? Are you indeed so
+weary of your lives that you so unadvisedly set upon one who is able to
+crush you like a cucumber?" The two troopers, laughing at him, said they
+were not to be daunted at his high words. "High words!" said Tom; "nay,
+now I will come to action," and so ran between them, catching them in
+his arms, horses and men, as easy as if they had been but two baker's
+bavins.
+
+In this manner he steered homewards, but, as he passed through a company
+of haymakers, the troopers cried, "Stop him! stop him! He runs away with
+two of the king's troopers." But they laughed to see Tom hugging them,
+frequently upbraiding them for their baseness, saying he'd make mince
+meat of them for crows and jackdaws.
+
+This was a dreadful lecture to them, and the poor rogues begged he would
+be merciful to them, and they would discover the whole plot, and who was
+the person that employed them, which they accordingly did, and gained
+favour in the sight of Tom, who pardoned them on promise that they would
+never be concerned in so villainous an action as that was for the
+future.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _Tom, going to be Married, is set upon by Twenty-one
+ Ruffians; and of the Havock he made._
+
+
+In regard Tom had been hindered hitherto by the troopers, he delayed his
+visit to his lady and love till the next day, and, coming to her, he
+gave her a full account of what had happened.
+
+She was much pleased at this relation, and received him with joy and
+satisfaction, knowing it was safe for a woman to marry with a man who
+was able to defend her against any assault whatever; and so brave a man
+as Tom was found to be.
+
+The day of marriage being appointed, and friends and relations invited,
+yet secret malice, which is never satisfied but with revenge, had like
+to have prevented it; for, having near three miles to go to church, the
+aforementioned gentleman had provided one-and-twenty ruffians to destroy
+Tom, for to put them to consternation.
+
+Howbeit, it so happened in a private place, all bolted out upon Tom, and
+with a spear gave him a slight wound, which made his sweetheart shriek
+out lamentably. Tom endeavoured to pacify her, saying, "Stand you still,
+and I will soon show you some pleasant sport."
+
+Here he catched hold of a broad-sword from the side of one of the
+company, and behaved so gallantly with it that at every stroke he took
+off a joint. He spared their lives, but lopped off their legs and arms,
+that in less than a quarter of an hour there was not one in the company
+but had lost a limb. The grass was all stained with a purple gore, and
+the ground was covered with legs and arms.
+
+His lover and the rest of the company were all this while standing by
+and admiring his valour, crying out, "O, what a sight of cripples has he
+made in a short time!"
+
+"Yes," said Tom, "I verily believe that for every drop of blood I have
+lost I have made the rascals pay me a limb, as a just tribute."
+
+This said, he steps to a farmer's house, and hired a servant, by giving
+him twenty shillings to carry the several cripples home to their
+respective habitations in his cart, and then posted to church with his
+love, when they were heartily merry with their friends after this
+encounter.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _Tom provides a Feast for all the poor Widows in the
+ adjacent Towns; and how he served an Old
+ Woman who Stole a Silver Cup._
+
+
+Now Tom, being married, made a plentiful feast, to which he invited all
+the poor widows in the parish, for the sake of his mother, who had been
+lately buried.
+
+This feast was carried on with the greatest solemnity, and, being ended,
+a silver cup was missing, and being asked about it they all denied it.
+
+At last, all being searched, the cup was found on an old woman named
+Strumbelow. Then all the rest were in a rage; some were for hanging her,
+others for chopping the old woman in pieces for ingratitude to such a
+generous benefactor.
+
+But he entreated them all to be quiet, saying they should not murder a
+poor old woman, for he would appoint a punishment for her, which was
+this:--He bored a hole through her nose, and put a string in it, and
+then ordered her to be stripped; so commanding the rest of the old women
+to lead her through all the streets and lanes in Cambridge, which
+comical sight caused a general laughter.
+
+This being done, she had her clothes again, and so was acquitted.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _Sir Thomas and his Lady are sent for up to Court;
+ and of what happened at that Time._
+
+
+Now, tidings of Tom's wedding was soon raised at court, insomuch that
+they had a royal invitation there, in order that the king might have a
+sight of his newly-married lady. Accordingly, they came, and were
+received with much joy and triumph.
+
+Whilst they were in the midst of their mirth news was brought the king
+by the Commons of Kent that a very dreadful giant was landed in one of
+the islands, and had brought with him a great number of bears, and also
+young lions, with a dreadful dragon, upon which he always rode, which
+said monster and ravenous beasts had much frighted all the inhabitants
+of the said island. And, moreover, they said, if speedy course was not
+taken to suppress them in due time, they would destroy the country.
+
+The king, hearing of this relation, was a little startled; yet he
+persuaded them to return home, and make the best defence they could for
+the present, assuring them that he would not forget them, and so they
+departed.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _Tom is made Governor of East Angles, now called the Isle
+ of Thanet; and of the wonderful Achievements
+ he there performed._
+
+
+The king, hearing these dreadful tidings, immediately sat in council to
+consider what was best to be done for the conquering this giant and wild
+beasts.
+
+At length Tom Hickathrift was pitched upon as being a stout and bold
+subject, for which reason it was judged necessary to make him Governor
+of that island, which place of trust he readily accepted; and
+accordingly he went down with his wife and family to take possession of
+the same, attended by a hundred and odd knights and gentlemen at least;
+they taking leave of him, and wishing him all health and prosperity.
+
+Many days he had not been there before it was his fortune to meet this
+monstrous giant, for thus it was:--Sir Thomas, looking out at his own
+window, espied this giant mounted on a dreadful dragon, and on his
+shoulder he bore a club of iron. He had but one eye, which was in the
+middle of his forehead, and was as large as a barber's basin, and seemed
+like flaming fire, the hair of his head hanging down like snakes, and
+his beard like rusty wire.
+
+Lifting up his eye, he saw Sir Thomas, who was viewing him from one of
+the windows of the castle. The giant then began to knit his brows, and
+to breathe forth some threatening words to the Governor, who, indeed,
+was a little surprised at the approach of such a monstrous and
+ill-favoured brute.
+
+The monstrous giant, finding that Tom did not make much haste to get
+down to him, alighted from his dragon, and chained him to an oak tree,
+then marched to the castle, setting his broad shoulders against the
+corner of the wall as if he intended to overthrow the whole bulk of the
+building at once. Tom, perceiving it, said, "Is this the game you would
+be at? Faith, I shall spoil your sport, for I have a tool to pick your
+teeth with."
+
+He then took the two-handed sword the king gave him, down he went, and,
+flinging open the gate, he there finds the giant, who, by an unfortunate
+slip in his thrusting, was fallen along, and there lay, not able to
+defend himself.
+
+"How now!" said Tom; "do you come here to take up your lodging? This is
+not at all to be suffered." And with that he ran his long broad sword
+between the giant's tawny buttocks, and made the brute give a groan
+almost as loud as thunder.
+
+Then Sir Thomas, pulling out his sword again, and at six or seven blows
+he severed his head, which, when cut off, seemed like the root of a
+great oak; then, turning to the dragon, which was all this time chained
+to a tree, without any more ado, at a few blows cut off that also.
+
+This adventure being over, he sent for a waggon and horses, and loaded
+them with the heads, and then summoned all the constables of the county
+for a safeguard, and sent them to the court, with a promise to his
+Majesty that in a short time he would clear the island of all the bears,
+lions, etc., etc.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _The Tinker, hearing of Tom's Fame, he goes to his Partner;
+ and of his being unfortunately slain by a Lion._
+
+
+Tom's victories rang so loud that they reached the ears of his old
+acquaintance the tinker, who, being desirous of honour, resolved to go
+down and visit him in his government; and coming there he was kindly
+entertained.
+
+After a few days' pleasure, Tom told him he must go in search of some
+bears and lions in the island.
+
+"Then," said the tinker, "I will go with you."
+
+"With all my heart," said Tom, "for I must own I shall be glad of your
+company." On this they went forward--Tom with his great sword and the
+tinker with his pike staff.
+
+After they had travelled four or five hours, it was their fortune to
+meet all the wild beasts together, being in number fourteen, six of
+which were bears, the other eight young lions. When these creatures had
+set their eyes on them they ran furiously, as if they would have
+devoured them at a mouthful, but Tom and the tinker stood side by side,
+with their backs against an oak, until the lions and bears came within
+their reach. Tom, with his sword, clave all their heads asunder, until
+they were all destroyed, except one young lion, who, seeing the rest of
+his fellow-creatures dead, he was making his escape; but the tinker,
+being too venturous, ran hastily after him, and gave the lion a blow.
+The beast turned upon him, and seized him with such violence by the
+throat as soon ended his life.
+
+Tom's joy was now mingled with sorrow, for, though he had cleared the
+island of those ravenous beasts, yet his grief was intolerable for the
+loss of his friend.
+
+Home he returned to his lady, where, in token of joy for the success
+he'd had in his dangerous enterprizes, he made a very noble and
+splendid feast, to which he invited all his friends and acquaintances,
+and then made the following promises:--
+
+ "My friends, while I have strength to stand,
+ Most manfully I will pursue
+ All dangers, till I clear the land
+ Of lions, bears, and tigers too."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE HISTORY
+
+ OF
+
+ JACK
+
+ THE
+
+ GIANT-KILLER
+
+ CONTAINING
+
+ His Birth and Parentage
+ His Meeting with the King's Son; His Noble
+ Conquests over many Monstrous Giants
+ And his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he
+ afterwards married.
+
+
+In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's-End of England, in the
+county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy farmer, who had only one son,
+commonly known by the name of Jack. He was brisk, and of a lively, ready
+wit, so that whatever he could not perform by strength he completed by
+wit and policy. Never was any person heard of that could worst him; nay,
+the learned he baffled by his cunning and ready inventions.
+
+For instance, when he was no more than seven years of age, his father
+sent him into the field to look after his oxen. A country vicar, by
+chance one day coming across the field, called Jack, and asked him
+several questions; in particular, "How many commandments were there?"
+Jack told him there were nine. The parson replied, "There are ten."
+"Nay," quoth Jack, "master parson, you are out of that; it is true there
+were ten, but you have broken one of them." The parson replied, "Thou
+art an arch wag, Jack." "Well, master parson," quoth Jack, "you have
+asked me one question, and I have answered it; let me ask you another.
+Who made these oxen?" The parson replied, "God." "You are out again,"
+quoth Jack, "for God made them bulls, but my father and his man Hobson
+made oxen of them." The parson, finding himself fooled, trudged away,
+leaving Jack in a fit of laughter.
+
+In those days the mount of Cornwall was kept by a huge and monstrous
+giant of 27 feet high and of 3 yards in compass, of a grim countenance,
+to the terror of all the neighbouring towns. His habitation was a cave
+in the midst of the mount; neither would he suffer any living creature
+to inhabit near him. His feeding was upon other men's cattle; for
+whensoever he had occasion for food he would wade over to the main land,
+where he would furnish himself with whatever he could find; for the
+people at his approach would forsake their habitations; then he would
+take their cows and oxen, of which he would make nothing to carry over
+on his back half a dozen at a time; and as for sheep and hogs, he would
+tie them round his waist. This he had for many years practised in
+Cornwall.
+
+But one day Jack, coming to the Town Hall, when the Magistrates were
+sitting in consternation about the giant, he asked what reward they
+would give to any person that would destroy him. They answered, "He
+shall have all the giant's treasure in recompense." Quoth Jack, "Then I
+myself will undertake the work."
+
+Jack furnished himself with a horn, a shovel, and a pick-axe, and over
+to the mount he goes in the beginning of a dark winter evening, where he
+fell to work, and before morning had digged a pit 22 feet deep, and as
+broad, and covered the same over with long sticks and straw; then
+strewed a little mould upon it, so that it appeared like the plain
+ground.
+
+This done, Jack places himself on the contrary side of the pit just
+about the dawning of the day, when, putting his horn to his mouth, he
+then blew, "Tan twivie, tan twivie," which unexpected noise roused the
+giant, who came roaring towards Jack, crying out, "You incorrigible
+villain, are you come hither to break my rest? You shall dearly pay for
+it; satisfaction I will have, and it shall be this--I will take you
+wholly and broil you for my breakfast," which words were no sooner out
+of his mouth but he tumbled headlong into the deep pit, whose heavy fall
+made the very foundation of the mount to shake.
+
+"Oh! giant, where are you now? Faith, you are got into Lobb's Pond,
+where I shall plague you for your threatening words. What do you think
+now of broiling me for your breakfast? Will no other diet serve you but
+poor Jack?" Thus having tantalized the giant for a while, he gave him a
+most weighty knock on the crown of his head with his pick-axe, so that
+he immediately tumbled down, gave a most dreadful groan, and died. This
+done, Jack threw the earth in upon him, and so buried him; then, going
+and searching the cave, he found a great quantity of treasure.
+
+Now, when the Magistrates who employed him heard the work was over, they
+sent for him, declaring that he should henceforth be called Jack the
+Giant-Killer. And in honour thereof, they presented him with a sword,
+together with a fine rich embroidered belt, on which these words were
+wrought in letters of gold--
+
+ "Here's the right valiant Cornish man
+ Who slew the giant Cormillan."
+
+The news of Jack's victory was soon spread; when another huge giant,
+named Blunderboar, hearing of it, vowed to be revenged on Jack if ever
+it was his fortune to light upon him. This giant kept an enchanted
+castle, situated in the midst of a lonesome wood. Now, Jack, about four
+months after, walking near the borders of the said wood, on his journey
+towards Wales, grew weary, and therefore sat himself down by the side of
+a pleasant fountain, where a deep sleep suddenly seized on him, at which
+time the giant coming for water, found him; and by the line on his belt
+knew him to be Jack that killed his brother; and, without any words,
+threw him upon his shoulder, to carry him to his enchanted castle.
+
+Now, as they passed through a thicket, the ruffling of the boughs awaked
+poor Jack, who, finding himself in the clutches of the giant, was
+strangely surprised; for, at the entering within the first walls of the
+castle, he beheld the ground all covered with bones and skulls of dead
+men, the giant telling Jack that his bones would enlarge the number that
+he saw. This said, he brought him into a large parlour, where he beheld
+the bloody quarters of some who were lately slain, and in the next room
+were many hearts and livers, which the giant, in order to terrify Jack,
+told him "that men's hearts and livers were the choicest of his diet,
+for he commonly ate them with pepper and vinegar, and he did not
+question but his heart would make him a dainty bit." This said, he locks
+up poor Jack in an upper room, while he went to fetch another giant
+living in the same wood, that he might partake in the destruction of
+poor Jack.
+
+Now, while he was gone, dreadful shrieks and cries affrighted poor Jack,
+especially a voice which continually cried--
+
+ "Do what you can to get away,
+ Or you'll become the giant's prey;
+ He's gone to fetch his brother, who
+ Will kill and likewise torture you."
+
+This dreadful noise so amazed poor Jack he was ready to run distracted.
+Seeing from the window afar off the two giants coming, "Now," quoth Jack
+to himself, "my death or deliverance is at hand."
+
+There were strong cords in the room by him, of which he takes two, at
+the end of which he makes a noose, and, while the giant was unlocking
+the gate, he threw the ropes over each of the heads, and, drawing the
+other end across the beam, he pulled with all his strength until he had
+throttled them; and then, fastening the rope to the beam, turning
+towards the window he beheld the two giants to be black in their faces.
+Sliding down by the rope, he came close to their heads, where the
+helpless giants could not defend themselves, and, drawing out his sword,
+slew them both, and delivered himself from their intended cruelty; then,
+taking out a bunch of keys, he unlocked the rooms, where he found three
+fair ladies, tied by the hair of their heads, almost starved to death,
+who told Jack that their husbands were slain by the giant, and that they
+were kept many days without food, in order to force them to feed upon
+the flesh of their husbands.
+
+"Sweet ladies," quoth Jack, "I have destroyed this monster, and his
+brutish brother, by which I have obtained your liberties." This said, he
+presented them with the keys of the castle, and so proceeded on his
+journey to Wales.
+
+Jack, having but very little money, thought it prudent to make the best
+of his way by travelling as fast as he could, but, losing his road, was
+benighted, and could not get a place of entertainment until he came to a
+valley placed between two hills, where stood a large house in a lonesome
+place. He took courage to knock at the gate, and to his great surprise
+there came forth a monstrous giant, having two heads; yet he did not
+seem so fiery as the others had been, for he was a Welsh giant, and what
+he did was by secret malice, for Jack telling his condition he bid him
+welcome, showing him a room with a bed in it, whereon he might take his
+night's repose; therefore Jack undressed himself, and, as the giant was
+walking to another apartment, Jack heard him mutter forth these words to
+himself--
+
+ "Though here you lodge with me this night,
+ You shall not see the morning light;
+ My club shall dash your brains out quite."
+
+"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "this is like your Welsh tricks; yet I
+hope to be cunning enough for you." Then getting out of bed he put a
+billet in his stead, and hid himself in a corner of the room; and in the
+dead time of the night the Welsh giant came with his great knotty club,
+and struck several heavy blows upon the head where Jack had laid the
+billet, and then returned to his own chamber, supposing he had broken
+all the bones in his body.
+
+In the morning Jack gave him hearty thanks for his lodging. The giant
+said to him, "How have you rested? Did you not feel something in the
+night?" "Nothing," quoth Jack, "but a rat which gave me three or four
+slaps with her tail." Soon after the giant arose and went to breakfast
+with a bowl of hasty pudding, containing nearly four gallons, giving
+Jack the like quantity, who, being loath to let the giant know he could
+not eat with him, got a large leathern bag, putting it very artfully
+under his loose coat, into which he secretly conveyed his pudding,
+telling the giant he could show him a trick; then, taking a large knife,
+he ripped open the bag, which the giant supposed to be his belly, when
+out came the hasty pudding, at which the Welsh giant cried, "Cotsplut,
+hur can do dat trick hurself." Then, taking his sharp knife, he ripped
+up his own belly from the bottom to the top; and out dropped his bowels,
+so that he fell down for dead. Thus Jack outwitted the giant, and
+proceeded on his journey.
+
+About this time King Arthur's son only desired of his father to furnish
+him with a certain sum of money, that he might go and seek his fortune
+in Wales, where a beautiful lady lived, whom he heard was possessed with
+seven evil spirits; but the king his father advised him utterly against
+it, yet he would not be persuaded of it; so he granted what he
+requested, which was one horse loaded with money, and another for
+himself to ride on; thus he went forth without any attendants.
+
+Now, after several days' travel, he came to a market town in Wales,
+where he beheld a large concourse of people gathered together. The
+king's son demanded the reason of it, and was told that they had
+arrested a corpse for many large sums of money which the deceased owed
+when he died. The king's son replied, "It is a pity that creditors
+should be so cruel; go bury the dead, and let his creditors come to my
+lodging, and their debts shall be discharged." Accordingly they came in
+great numbers, so that he left himself moneyless.
+
+Now, Jack the Giant-Killer being there, and, seeing the generosity of
+the king's son, he was taken with him, and desired to be his servant. It
+was agreed upon the next morning, when, riding out at the town-end, the
+king's son, turning to Jack, said, "I cannot tell how I will subsist in
+my intended journey." "For that," quoth Jack, "take you no care: let me
+alone; I warrant you we will not want."
+
+Now, Jack, having a spell in his pocket, which served at noon for a
+refreshment, when done, they had not one penny left betwixt them. The
+afternoon they spent in travel and discourse, till the sun began to grow
+low, at which time the king's son said, "Jack, since we have no money,
+where can we think to lodge this night?" Jack replied, "We'll do well
+enough, for I have an uncle living within two miles of this. He is a
+monstrous giant with three heads; he will fight 500 men in armour, and
+make them to fly before him." "Alas!" saith the king's son, "what shall
+we do there? He will certainly chop us both up at one mouthful!" "It is
+no matter for that," quoth Jack; "I will go before and prepare the way
+for you. Tarry here."
+
+He waits, and Jack rides full speed; when he came to the castle, he
+knocked with such a force that he made all the neighbouring hills to
+resound. The giant, with a voice like thunder, roared out, "Who's
+there?" He answered, "None but your own cousin Jack. Dear uncle, heavy
+news, God wot." "Prithee, what heavy news can come to me? I am a giant
+with three heads, and besides thou knowest I can fight five hundred
+men." "O! but," quoth Jack, "here's the king's son coming with 1,000 men
+to kill you." "Oh! Jack, this is heavy news indeed. I have a large vault
+under ground, where I will hide myself, and thou shalt lock, bolt, and
+bar me in, and keep the keys till the king's son is gone."
+
+Jack having secured the giant, he returned and fetched his master. They
+were both heartily merry with the wine and other dainties which were in
+the house; so that night they rested in very pleasant lodgings, whilst
+the poor uncle the giant lay trembling in the vault under ground.
+
+Early in the morning Jack furnished his master with a supply of gold and
+silver, and set him three miles forward on his journey, concluding he
+was then pretty well out of the smell of the giant, and then returned to
+let his uncle out of the hole, who asked Jack what he would give him in
+reward, since his castle was not demolished. "Why," quoth Jack, "I
+desire nothing but the old coat and cap, together with the old rusty
+sword and slippers which are at your bed-head." "Jack, thou shalt have
+them, and pray keep them for my sake, for they are things of excellent
+use. The coat will keep you invisible; the cap will furnish you with
+knowledge; the sword cuts asunder whatever you strike, and the shoes are
+of extraordinary swiftness: these may be serviceable to you, and
+therefore pray take them with all my heart." Jack takes them, thanking
+his uncle, and follows his master.
+
+Jack, having overtaken his master, soon after arrived at the lady's
+house, who, finding the king's son to be a suitor, prepared a banquet
+for him, and, being ended, she wiped his mouth with her napkin, saying,
+"You must show this to-morrow, or else lose your head," and she put it
+safely into her bosom.
+
+The king's son went to bed sorrowful, but Jack's cap of knowledge
+instructed him how to obtain it. In the middle of the night she called
+upon her familiar spirit to carry her to Lucifer. Jack put on his coat
+of darkness, with his shoes of swiftness, and was there as soon as her;
+by reason of his coat they could not see him. When she entered the place
+she gave the handkerchief to old Lucifer, who laid it carefully upon a
+shelf, from whence Jack brought it to his master, who showed it to the
+lady the next day.
+
+The next night she saluted the king's son, telling him he must show her
+to-morrow morning the lips that she kissed last this night, or lose his
+head. "Ah," replied he, "if you kiss none but mine I will." "It is
+neither here nor there," said she; "if you do not, death's your
+portion." At midnight she went as before, and was angry with Lucifer for
+letting the handkerchief go. "But now," said she, "I will be too hard
+for the king's son, for I will kiss thee, and he's to show thy lips."
+Jack, standing near him with his sword of sharpness, cut off the devil's
+head, and brought it under his invisible coat to his master, who was in
+bed, and laid it at the end of his bolster. In the morning, when the
+lady came up, he pulled it out by the horns, and showed her the devil's
+lips, which she kissed last.
+
+Thus, having answered her twice, the enchantment broke, and the evil
+spirits left her, at which time she appeared a beautiful and virtuous
+creature. They were married next morning in great pomp and solemnity,
+and returned with a numerous company to the court of King Arthur, where
+they were received with the greatest joy and loud acclamations Jack,
+for the many and great exploits he had done for the good of his country,
+was made one of the Knights of the Round Table.
+
+Jack, having resolved not to be idle, humbly requested of the king to
+fit him with a horse and money to travel, "for," said he, "there are
+many giants alive in the remotest parts of the kingdom, to the
+unspeakable damage of your Majesty's liege subjects; wherefore, may it
+please your Majesty to give me encouragement to rid the realm of these
+cruel and devouring monsters of nature, root and branch."
+
+Now, when the king had heard these noble propositions, and had duly
+considered the mischievous practices of these blood-thirsty giants, he
+immediately granted what Jack requested; and, being furnished with all
+necessaries for his progress, he took his leave of King Arthur, taking
+with him the cap of knowledge, sword of sharpness, shoes of swiftness,
+and likewise the invisible coat, the better to perfect and complete the
+dangerous enterprises that lay before him.
+
+Jack travelled over vast hills and mountains, when, at the end of three
+days, he came to a large and spacious wood, where, on a sudden, he heard
+dreadful shrieks and cries, whereupon, casting his eyes around, he
+beheld a giant rushing along with a worthy knight and his fair lady,
+whom he held by the hair of their heads in his hands, wherefore he
+alighted from off his horse, and then, putting on his invisible coat,
+under which he carried his sword of sharpness, he came up to the giant,
+and, though he made several passes at him, yet he could not reach the
+trunk of his body, by reason of his height, though it wounded his thighs
+in several places; but at length, giving him a swinging stroke, he cut
+off both his legs just below the knee, so that the trunk of his body
+made the ground shake with the force of his fall, at which the knight
+and the lady escaped; then had Jack time to talk with him, and, setting
+his foot upon his neck, said, "You savage and barbarous wretch, I am
+come to execute upon you the just reward of your villainy." And with
+that, running him through and through, the monster sent forth a hideous
+groan, and yielded up his life, while the noble knight and virtuous lady
+were joyful spectators of his sudden downfall and their own deliverance.
+
+This being done, the courteous knight and his fair lady returned him
+hearty thanks for their deliverance, but also invited him home, there to
+refresh himself after the dreadful encounter, as likewise to receive
+ample reward, by way of gratitude for his good service. "No," quoth
+Jack, "I cannot be at ease till I find out the den which was this
+monster's habitation." The knight hearing this waxed sorrowful, and
+replied, "Noble stranger, it is too much to run a second risk, for this
+monster lived in a den under yon mountain, with a brother of his, more
+fierce than himself; therefore, if you go thither and perish in the
+attempt, it would be the heartbreaking of both me and my lady. Let me
+persuade you to go with us." "Nay," quoth Jack, "if there were twenty I
+would shed the last drop of my blood before one of them should escape my
+fury; but when I have finished this task I will come and pay my respects
+to you." So, taking directions to their habitation, he mounted his
+horse, and went in pursuit of the deceased giant's brother.
+
+Jack had not rode past a mile before he came in sight of the cave's
+mouth, at the entrance of which he beheld the other giant sitting upon a
+huge block of timber, with a knotty iron club by his side, waiting for
+his brother's return with his cruel prey. His goggle eyes appeared like
+terrible flames of fire, his countenance grim and ugly, and his cheeks
+appeared like a couple of large flitches of bacon; the bristles of his
+head seemed to resemble rods of iron wire; his locks hung down on his
+broad shoulders like curled snakes.
+
+Jack alighted from his horse, and put him into a thicket; then, with his
+coat of darkness, he came near to behold his figure, and said, "Oh! are
+you here? It will not be long before I take you by the beard." The giant
+could not see him by reason of his invisible coat: so Jack, fetching a
+blow at his head with his sword of sharpness, and missing somewhat of
+his aim, cut off the giant's nose, whose nostrils were wider than a pair
+of jack-boots. The pain was terrible; he put up his hand to feel for his
+nose, and when he could not find it he raved and roared louder than
+thunder; and, though he turned up his large eyes, he could not see from
+whence the blow came; nevertheless, he took up his iron-headed club, and
+began to thrash about him like one stark mad. "Nay," quoth Jack, "if you
+be for that sport, then I will despatch you quickly, for fear of an
+accidental blow." Then Jack makes no more to do, but runs his sword up
+to the hilt in the giant's body, where he left it sticking for a while,
+and stood himself laughing to see the giant caper and dance with the
+sword in him, crying out he should die with the pain in his body. Thus
+did the giant continue raving for an hour or more, and at length fell
+down dead.
+
+This being done, Jack cut off both the giants' heads, and sent them to
+King Arthur by a waggoner, whom he hired for the purpose.
+
+Jack, having despatched these two monsters, resolved to enter the cave
+in search of the giant's treasure. He passed through many turnings and
+windings, which led him at length to a room paved with freestone, at the
+upper end of which was a boiling cauldron; on the right hand stood a
+large table, where the giants used to dine; then he came to an iron
+gate, where was a window secured with bars of iron, through which he
+looked, and beheld a vast many captives, who, seeing Jack, said, "Young
+man, art thou come to be one among us in this miserable den?" "Ay,"
+quoth Jack, "I hope I shall not tarry long here; but what is the meaning
+of your captivity?" "Why," said one of them, "we have been taken by the
+giants, and here we are kept till they have a feast, then the fattest
+among us is slaughtered for their devouring jaws. It is not long since
+they took three of us for the purpose." "Say you so," quoth Jack; "well,
+I have given them both such a dinner that it will be long enough ere
+they need any more. You may believe me, for I have slain them both; and
+as for their monstrous heads, I sent them to the court of King Arthur as
+trophies of my victory." Then, leading them to the aforesaid room, he
+placed them round the table, and set before them two quarters of beef,
+also bread and wine, so that they feasted there very plentifully. Supper
+being ended, they searched the giant's coffers, where, finding a vast
+store of gold, Jack divided it equally among them. They all returned him
+hearty thanks for their treasure and miraculous deliverance. That night
+they went to their rest, and in the morning they arose and departed to
+their respective places of abode, and Jack to the knight's house.
+
+Jack mounted his horse, and by his direction he came to the knight's
+house, where he was received with all demonstrations of joy by the
+knight and his lady, who, in respect to Jack, prepared a feast, which
+lasted for many days, inviting all the gentry in the adjacent parts. He
+presented him with a ring of gold, on which was engraven by curious art
+the picture of the giant dragging a distressed knight and his fair lady
+by the hair of the head.
+
+Now, there were five aged gentlemen who were fathers to some of those
+miserable captives whom Jack had set at liberty, who immediately paid
+him their respects. The smiling bowl was then pledged to the victorious
+conqueror, but during their mirth a dark cloud appeared, which daunted
+the assembly.
+
+A messenger brought the dismal tidings of the approach of one
+Thunderful, a huge giant with two heads, who, having heard of the death
+of his kinsmen, the above-named giants, was come in search of Jack, to
+be revenged on him for their terrible downfall, and was within a mile of
+the knight's seat, the people flying before him from their habitations.
+When they had related this, Jack said, "Let him come. I am prepared with
+a tool to pick his teeth, and you, gentlemen and ladies, walk forth into
+the garden, and you shall be the joyful spectators of this monstrous
+giant's death." To which they consented, wishing him good fortune in
+that great enterprise.
+
+The situation of the knight's house was in a small island, encompassed
+with a vast moat, thirty feet deep and twenty feet wide, over which lay
+a draw-bridge. Wherefore Jack employed two men to cut it on both sides,
+and then, dressing himself in his coat of darkness, putting on his shoes
+of swiftness, he marched against the giant, with his sword of sharpness
+ready drawn. When he came close up, the giant could not see Jack, by
+reason of his invisible coat; nevertheless, he was sensible of
+approaching danger, which made him cry out--
+
+"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman; be he living or be
+he dead, I'll grind his bones to mix my bread."
+
+"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "then thou art a monstrous miller. But
+how? If I serve thee as I did the two giants of late, I should spoil
+your practice for the future."
+
+At which time the giant spoke with a voice as loud as thunder--"Art thou
+that villain which destroyed my kinsmen? Then I will tear thee with my
+teeth, and suck thy blood. I will grind thy bones to powder."
+
+"Catch me first," quoth Jack; and he threw off his coat of darkness that
+the giant might see him, and then ran from him as through fear, the
+giant, with glaring eyes, following after like a walking castle, making
+the earth to shake at every step. Jack led him a dance three or four
+times round the moat, that the ladies and gentlemen might take a full
+view of this huge monster who followed Jack, but could not overtake him
+by reason of his shoes of swiftness. At length Jack took over the
+bridge, the giant, with full speed, pursuing after him, with his iron
+club; but, coming to the middle of the draw-bridge, the weight of his
+body, and the most dreadful steps which he took, it broke down, and he
+tumbled into the water, where he rolled and wallowed like a whale. Jack,
+standing at the side of the moat, laughed at the giant, and said, "You
+would grind my bones to powder? You have water; pray, where is your
+mill?" The giant foamed to hear him scoffing at that rate, though he
+plunged from place to place in the moat. Jack at length got a cart rope,
+and cast it over the giant's two heads with a slip knot, and, by the
+help of horses, he dragged him out again, nearly strangled. Before he
+would let him loose, he cut off both his heads with his sword of
+sharpness, in the view of all the assembly of knights and ladies, who
+gave a shout when they saw the giant despatched. Then, before he would
+either eat or drink, he sent these heads also to the court of King
+Arthur.
+
+After some mirth and pastime, Jack, taking leave of the noble knights
+and ladies, set off in search of new adventures. Through many woods and
+groves he passed, till, coming to the foot of a high mountain late at
+night, he knocked at the door of a lonesome house, at which a man, with
+a head as white as snow, arose and let him in.
+
+"Father," said Jack, "have you any entertainment for a benighted
+traveller that has lost his way?"
+
+"Yes," said the old man; "if thou wilt accept of such as my poor cottage
+afford, thou shalt be welcome." Jack returned him thanks. They sat
+together, and the old man began to discourse as follows--"Son, I am
+sensible thou art the great conqueror of giants, and it is in thy power
+to free this place; for there is an enchanted castle kept by a monstrous
+giant, named Galligantus, who, by the help of a conjurer, betrays
+knights and ladies into this strong castle, where, by magic art, they
+are transformed into sundry shapes; but, above all, I lament the
+misfortune of a duke's daughter, whom they fetched from her father's
+garden, carrying her through the air in a charion drawn by fiery
+dragons. She was immediately transformed into the shape of a white hind.
+Many knights have endeavoured to break the enchantment for her
+deliverance, yet none could accomplish it, by reason of two griffins,
+who are at the entrance of the castle gate, who destroy them as they see
+them; but you, being furnished with an invisible coat, may pass them
+undiscovered, where, on the gates of the castle, you will find engraven
+in characters the means the enchantment may be broken."
+
+Jack gave him his hand, with a promise that in the morning he would
+break the enchantment and free the lady.
+
+Having refreshed themselves with a morsel of meat, they laid down to
+rest. In the morning Jack arose, and put on his invisible coat, his cap
+of knowledge, and shoes of swiftness, and so prepared himself for the
+dangerous enterprise.
+
+Now, when he had ascended the mountain he discovered the two fiery
+griffins. He passed between them, for they could not see him by reason
+of his invisible coat. When he had got beyond them, he found upon the
+gate a golden trumpet, hung in a chain of fine silver, under which were
+engraven--
+
+ "Whoever shall this trumpet blow
+ Shall soon the giant overthrow,
+ And break the black enchantment straight,
+ So all shall be in happy state."
+
+Jack had no sooner read this inscription, but he blew the trumpet, at
+which the foundation of the castle trembled, and the giant, with the
+conjurer, were tearing their hair, knowing their wicked reign was at an
+end. At which time the giant was stooping to take up his club; Jack, at
+one blow with his sword of sharpness, cut off his head. The conjurer
+mounted into the air, and was carried away by a whirlwind. Thus was the
+enchantment broken, and every knight and lady who had been transformed
+into birds and beasts returned to their proper shapes, and the castle,
+though it seemed to be of a vast strength and bigness, vanished away
+like a cloud, whereon universal joy appeared among the released knights
+and ladies. This being done, the head of Galligantus was conveyed to the
+court of King Arthur the next day. Having refreshed the knights and
+ladies at the old man's habitation, Jack set forward to the court of
+King Arthur with those knights and ladies whom he delivered.
+
+Coming to his Majesty, his fame rung through the court, and; as a reward
+of his services, the duke bestowed his daughter in marriage to Jack. The
+whole kingdom was filled with joy at the wedding; after which the king
+bestowed upon him a noble house, with a large estate, where he and his
+lady passed their days in great joy and happiness.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES
+
+ AND HIS
+
+ WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY
+
+ WHICH BEGAN
+
+ _The very next Morning after their Marriage._
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _An Account of Simon's Wedding, and his Wife's
+ Behaviour the Day after their Marriage._
+
+
+Simon, the subject of our ensuing discourse, was a man very unfortunate
+many years after marriage, not only by crosses, but by the cruelty of
+Margery his severe wife--his wedding day being the best he saw in seven
+years after, for then he had all his friends about him. Rough Ralph the
+Fiddler and Will the Piper were appointed to make him and his guests
+merry.
+
+Singing, dancing, and good feasting attended the day, which being ended,
+this loving couple went to bed, where their friends all left them.
+
+But the morning was ushered in with a mighty storm, only because Simon
+put on his roast-meat clothes.
+
+Thus she began the matter--"Why, how now, pray, and what is to-day, that
+you must put on your holiday clothes, with a pye-crust to you? What do
+you intend to do, say you, tell me quickly."
+
+"Nothing," said Simon, "but to walk abroad with you, sweet wife, as it
+is common on the day after marriage."
+
+"No, no," said Margery, "this must not, nor shall not be. It is very
+well known that I have brought you a very considerable fortune--forty
+shillings in money, and a good milch cow, four fat wethers, with half a
+dozen ewes and lambs; likewise, geese, hens, and turkeys; also a sow and
+pigs, with other moveables, worth more than any of your crook-back
+generation is able to give you. And do you think you shall lead as lewd
+a life now as you did before you married; but if you do, then say my
+name is not Margery. Now I've got you in the bands of matrimony I will
+make you know what it is to be married; therefore, to work you rascal,
+and take care that what I brought is not consumed; for, if you do not,
+what will become of your wife and children?"
+
+Now, Simon looked liked one that had neither sense nor reason, but stood
+amazed, as if there had been a whole army of Billingsgate shrews.
+However, recollecting what he had heard about scolds, he muttered to
+himself, "Udswagers, I think I have got a woeful one now."
+
+"What is that you say, sirrah?" said she.
+
+"Nothing, dear wife, but what you say I allow to be true."
+
+And so, taking his bag and bottle, he went forward to his daily labour:
+but, coming towards the lower end of the town, he chanced to meet old
+Jobson, a cobbler, a merry blade, who loved a cup of good ale.
+
+"What! honest Simon," said Jobson, "I am glad to see you, for since our
+last meeting I hear you are married, and now I wish thee much
+happiness."
+
+Now, old Jobson, being a merry fellow, invited Simon to take a flaggon
+of the best liquor that the next ale-house would afford, and there to
+drink to Margery's health.
+
+Being merry in discourse, talking of the tricks and pranks they had
+played when bachelors.
+
+Jobson, taking up the flaggon in his hand, said, "Come, here's to thee,
+honest Simon, and I wish thee better luck than Randal, thy old
+father-in-law, had with his wife; for she was such a scold that happy
+were they who lived out of the clamour of her noise. But without doubt
+thy dear wife may be of a milder spirit, and have more of her father's
+meekness than her mother's fury in her; but come, Simon, here's to thee
+and to thy dearly-beloved Margery."
+
+Cries Simon, "If she was present how merry we should be; but, I fear, on
+the wrong side of the mouth."
+
+"Well," said Jobson, "I vow I long to see her; and I verily believe she
+would be as glad to see me. I dare to say she will prove a very good
+wife."
+
+"Truly, neighbour Jobson, I don't know; but if I have no better ending
+than beginning, I wish I had ended my life at the plough tail."
+
+No sooner were these words out of his mouth but in comes Margery, with
+her gossips, whom Simon wished to see, forsooth. He wished her much joy,
+but Margery, in a woeful fury, snatched up Jobson's oaken staff from off
+the table, and gave poor Simon such a clank upon the noddle which made
+the blood spin out, saying, "Is this your work, sirrah?" Jobson, seeing
+so sudden an alteration, was affrighted, not knowing how to escape.
+
+She then turned about to the left, saying, "Thou rogue and rascal, it is
+you that ruins all the good women's husbands in the town; therefore you
+shall not go unrewarded," giving him such strokes over his back and
+shoulders as caused poor Jobson to lay in bed almost a fortnight.
+
+Simple Simon all this while not having any power to run away, but stood
+like one half frighted out of his wits, and trembling before his bride,
+with his hat in one hand and the flaggon in the other, begging her that
+she would be patient, and he would never offend her any more.
+
+But she gave him a frown, and bid him begone about his business, which
+he immediately did. So then Margery and her friendly gossips had the
+whole apartment to themselves, where they sat till they were all as
+drunk as fish-women.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _She drags him up into the Chimney, and hangs him
+ a Smoke-drying._
+
+
+At night, when he returned to his own home, Margery, by the help of a
+nap she had taken, was a little restored to her senses again; but yet,
+not forgetting the fault he had committed, she invented a new kind of
+punishment; for, having a wide chimney, wherein they used to dry bacon,
+she, taking him at a disadvantage, tied him hand and foot, bound him in
+a basket, and, by the help of a rope, drew him up to the beam in the
+chimney, and left him there to take his lodging the second night after
+his wedding, with a small, smoky fire under him, so that in the morning
+he almost reezed like to a red-herring. But in length of time he
+prevailed with his wife to show him so much pity as to let him down
+again.
+
+ "In love release me from this horrid smoke,
+ And I will never more my wife provoke;
+ She then did yield to let him down from thence,
+ And said, 'Be careful of the next offence.'"
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _Simon loses a Sack of Corn that he was carrying
+ to the Mill to have ground._
+
+
+Not long after she sent him to the mill with a sack of corn, and bade
+him remember what she said to him, or else he should not go unpunished.
+
+"Well," said Simon, "I hope I shall never offend thee any more."
+
+For this promise she gave him a mess of milk, and when he had eaten all
+up he took the sack of corn upon his back, and went towards the mill,
+which stood about two miles from the house.
+
+When Simon was got about half way he began to be weary, which was the
+forerunner of a great misfortune, for a man riding by, leading an empty
+horse towards the mill, perceived Simon weary of his load, told him he
+might lay it upon his spare horse, to which Simon willingly consented.
+
+The man riding on, Simon could not pace with him, so desired him to
+leave it for him at the mill. He promised he would, but never intended
+to perform his promise.
+
+Simon, thus loosing his sack of corn, knew not how to go home, or show
+his face before his wife, until he got two or three of his neighbours to
+go with him to beg for his pardon, and to help to make up the difference
+between them, which they did after a long parley. So that for this crime
+he passed unpunished.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _Simon goes to the Market with his Basket of Eggs,
+ breaks them all by the Way, and is set in the Stocks._
+
+
+But, although he was not punished according to the severe correction he
+had formerly received, yet he did not escape the continual railings in
+his ears for several days after, ever and anon she crying out, "You sot,
+will you never be wise?"
+
+"Yes, sweet Margery, dear Margery, I hope I shall some time."
+
+"Well," says she, "I'll now try you once more. Here, take this basket of
+eggs, and go to the market and sell them, but be sure don't break them
+nor spend the money, for if you do, sorrow will be your sops, and you
+may expect to feel the weight of my hands more than ever you have done
+before."
+
+At which harsh words he trembled much, and looked as white as his dear
+Margery's shift, for fear that he should miscarry with his basket of
+eggs, for he well knew that his wife would be sure to be as good as her
+promise.
+
+Then Simon, taking his basket of eggs, trudged away to the market, but
+was no sooner come there than, seeing a vast crowd of people, he was
+resolved to see what was the matter.
+
+When he came to the place he found that two butter-women had fallen out,
+and to that degree that they had taken one another by the que of their
+hair, and their fillets all flying about their ears; which Simon seeing
+he was moved with compassion, and ran to part them, but in vain; poor
+Simon was still unfortunate, and came off with a great loss, for one of
+the women pushed him down and broke his eggs.
+
+Poor Simon was now almost distracted to see the ground, but whether it
+was the fear of the anger of his wife, or whether it was courage, thus
+it was, Simon ran in amongst them, and resolved to be revenged on them
+for the loss of his eggs.
+
+Whilst they were in the fray the constable came, and, supposing them
+drunk, gave orders that they should all be set in the stocks
+together--Simon in the middle, and the women on each side--which was
+accordingly done; but they rang such a peal in Simon's ears that he was
+deaf for a fortnight after.
+
+Being released, he ventured home again, dreading the impending storm;
+but this was his comfort in the midst of all his hard fortune, that,
+though he might feel the force of her blows, still he would be deaf to
+her noise, being stunned by the women in the stocks.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _Simon's Wife Cudgels him severely
+ for losing his Money._
+
+
+At length Simon coming home he met with his beloved wife Margery, who,
+seeing his dejected countenance, she began to mistrust something, and
+so, taking hold of his arm, she hauled him in for examination.
+
+When Simon saw this he could not forbear weeping, and began to tell her
+a dismal story concerning the stocks; but she wanted the money for the
+eggs; but Simon, being deaf, could not hear her, which made her fall on
+him with such fury that he was obliged to run up stairs and jump out of
+the chamber window, which, when she saw, she followed him down the town,
+with a hundred boys and girls after them, Simon still crying out to the
+people, "You may see what it is to be married."
+
+And her tone was, "You rascal; the money for my eggs," often giving him
+a crack on the crown.
+
+At length it was his good hap to get away from her.
+
+Night drawing on, and Simon not having one penny to help himself, was
+forced to make the best of a bad bargain, resolved for to lodge that
+night in a hog-stye amongst the swine.
+
+And so the next morning, in the presence of some of his dearest friends,
+he begged pardon on his knees of his sweet, kind, and loving wife,
+Margery.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _Simon loses his Wife's Pail, and at the same time burns
+ out the Bottom of her Kettle._
+
+
+Margery, being reconciled again on his humble petition, she charged him
+to be careful for the future that he did not offend her as he had done
+before, which he promised to observe. "Then, Simon," said she, "I am
+this day to go to a gossiping, and shall leave you at home to make a
+fire and hang on the kettle."
+
+"Yes, sweet wife."
+
+Now, Margery was no sooner gone but he made a fire and hung on the
+kettle. Then, taking the pail, he goes to the well to fetch some water,
+when there came an ox running down, and a butcher and his boy close
+after him, who called out to Simon to stop the ox, which he endeavoured
+to do, but the ox, giving them the slip, Simon ran in pursuit of him for
+the space of three or four miles, and, having secured him, the butcher
+gave him many thanks for his kindness.
+
+So Simon returned back to the well, but his pail was lost, and he made
+sad lamentation for it, inquiring about it, but could not hear nothing
+of it; and as the old proverb says, "One sorrow never comes alone," for
+on going in doors the fire was flaming, and the bottom of the kettle was
+quite burnt out.
+
+At the sight of this he fell to wringing his hands and crying out with a
+lamentable tone; "None was so unfortunate as poor Simon. What shall I
+say to my wife when she comes? First, I have lost my pail; and, second,
+I have let the bottom of the kettle be burnt out. Here will be a sad
+reckoning for these misfortunes."
+
+Just in the middle of these lamentations in comes Margery, who, having
+heard him, came armed and fitted for the fray.
+
+"How now, sirrah," said she, "has this been the care you promised of my
+business?" and with that let fly an earthen pot at his head, which
+caused the blood to run about his ears.
+
+This done, she took him by the collar, and cuft him about the kitchen at
+a most terrible rate, Simon crying for mercy, but cruel Margery still
+increased his misery, till the neighbours came, persuading Margery to
+be satisfied, "for," said they, "it was but a mischance."
+
+"A rascal," said she, "for I can set him about nothing, but thus he
+serves me."
+
+They still interceded for Simon, until at length she excused him.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _Simon's Wife sends him to buy Soap, but, going over a
+ Bridge, he lets his Money fall into the River;
+ and of a Ragman's running away with his Clothes._
+
+
+Margery, calling Simon to her, said, "Will you never be careful in
+anything I set you about?"
+
+"Yes, dear wife, I hope I shall."
+
+"Why, then," said she, "take this money. I have tied it in a clout, that
+you may not lose it. Therefore, go you to the market, and make all the
+haste you can, and get me some soap."
+
+"I will, sweet wife," quoth he, and with that he went as fast as he
+could.
+
+Now, on his way he was to pass over a bridge, and, coming to the middle
+of it, a flight of crows flew over his head, which so frightened him
+that he let fall his money.
+
+This was the beginning of a new sorrow. He stood awhile, and knew not
+what course to take. At length he resolved to pull off his clothes and
+jump into the water and search for it. Now, as he was searching for his
+money, an old ragman came by, and put his clothes into a bag.
+
+Simon, seeing this, pursued him, but in vain, and was forced to return
+home naked, which his wife seeing fell in a most horrible sweat, and,
+taking the dog-whip, she so jerked poor Simon about, making him to dance
+the canaries for two hours, till he cried out, "Good wife, forbear!" but
+she cried out, "You rascal! where is my money, and your clothes?" Thus
+she continued until she was tired, and he heartily begged her pardon.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE ADVENTURES
+
+ OF
+
+ BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,
+
+ WHO WAS FOR MORE THAN FORTY YEARS
+
+ KING OF THE BEGGARS.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _Carew's Boyhood. And how he became a Gipsy._
+
+
+Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew was the son of a clergyman near Tiverton, in
+Devonshire, and born in 1693. He was tall and majestic, his limbs strong
+and well-proportioned, his features regular, and his countenance open
+and ingenious, bearing the resemblance of a good-natured mind. At twelve
+years old he was put to Tiverton school, where he soon got a
+considerable knowledge of the Latin and Greek tongues, so as to be
+fitted for the University, that in due time he might be fitted for the
+church, for which his father designed him; but here a new exercise
+engaged his attention, namely, that of hunting, in which he soon made a
+prodigious progress. The Tiverton scholars had command of a fine cry of
+hounds, which gave Carew a frequent opportunity of exercising his
+beloved employment, and getting acquainted with John Martin, Thomas
+Coleman, and John Escott, young gentlemen of the best rank and fortune.
+One day a farmer came to the school and complained of a deer, with a
+collar round its neck, that he had seen running through his grounds, and
+had done him much damage, desiring them to hunt it down and kill it.
+They, wishing for no better sport, on the next day put the old farmer's
+request into execution, in doing of which they did much damage to the
+neighbouring grounds, whose owners, together with Colonel Nutcombe, to
+whom the deer belonged, came and complained to the schoolmaster of the
+injuries they had suffered by his scholars; they were very severely
+reprimanded and hard threatened for the same. The resentment of the
+present reproof and the fear of future chastisement made them abscond
+from the school; and going into a brick ale-house, about half a mile from
+Tiverton, there they accidentally fell in company with some gipsies, who
+were then feasting and carousing. This company consisted of seventeen,
+who were met on purpose for festivity and jollity; which, by plenty of
+meat, fowl, flowing cups of beer, cider, etc., they seemed to enjoy to
+their hearts' content. In short, the freedom, mirth, and pleasure that
+appeared among them, invited our youngsters to enlist into their
+company; which, on communicating to the gipsies, they would not believe
+them, as thinking they jested; but on tarrying with them all night and
+continuing in the same mind next morning, they at length thought them
+serious and encouraged them; and, after going through the requisite
+ceremonials and administering to them the proper oath, they admitted
+them into their number.
+
+The reader will, no doubt, wonder to hear of the ceremonials and oaths
+among gipsies and beggars, but that will cease on being informed, that
+these people are subject to a form of government and laws peculiar to
+themselves, and pay due obedience to one who is styled their king; to
+which honour Carew in a short time arrived, after having by many acts
+proved himself worthy of it. The substance of them is this--Strong love
+and mutual regard for each member in particular, and the whole community
+in general; which, being taught them in their infancy, grows up with
+them, prevents oppression, frauds, and over-reaching one another, which
+is common among other people, and tends to the very worst of evils.
+This happiness and temper of mind so wrought on Carew as to occasion the
+strongest attachment to them for forty years, refusing very large offers
+that had been made to him to quit their society.
+
+Being thus initiated into the ancient society of gipsies, who take their
+name from Egypt--a place well known to abound in learning, and the
+inhabitants of which country travel about from place to place to
+communicate knowledge to mankind--Carew did not long continue in it
+before he was consulted in important matters; particularly Madam
+Musgrove, of Monkton, near Taunton, hearing of his fame, sent for him to
+consult him in an affair of difficulty. When he was come, she informed
+him that she suspected a large quantity of money was buried somewhere
+about her house, and if he would acquaint her with the particular place,
+she would handsomly reward him. Carew consulted the secrets of his art
+on this occasion, and, after a long study, he informed the lady that
+under a laurel tree in the garden lay the treasure she sought for; but
+that she must not seek it till such a day and hour. The lady rewarded
+him with twenty guineas; but, whether Carew mistook his calculations or
+the lady mistook her lucky hour, we cannot tell, but truth obliges us to
+say, the lady having dug below the root of the laurel tree she could not
+find the treasure.
+
+When he was further initiated, he was consulted in important matters and
+met with better success; generally giving satisfaction by his wise and
+sagacious answers. In the meantime his parents sorrowed after him, as
+one that was no more, having advertised him in all the public papers and
+sent messengers after him to almost every part of the kingdom; till
+about a year and a half afterwards, when Carew, hearing of their grief,
+and being struck with tenderness thereat, repaired to his father's
+house. He was so disguised they did not know him, but when they did
+their joy was beyond expressing, tenderly embracing him, bedewing his
+cheeks with tears and kisses, and all his friends and neighbours showed
+every demonstration of joy at his return. His parents did everything to
+render home agreeable to him; but the uncommon pleasure he had enjoyed
+in the community he had left, their simplicity, freedom, sincerity,
+mirth, and frequent change of habitation, and the secret presages of the
+honour he has since arrived at, sickened and palled all other
+diversions, and at last prevailed over his filial duty, for one day,
+without taking leave of his friends or parents, he went back to them
+again, where he was heartily welcomed, both to his own and their
+satisfaction, they being glad to regain one who was likely to become so
+useful a member of their community.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _Carew's First Adventure in his New Profession._
+
+
+Carew being again initiated among them, at the first general assembly of
+the gipsies, took the oaths of allegiance to their sovereign, by whom he
+was soon sent out on a cruise against their enemies. Carew now set his
+wits to work how to succeed: so equipping himself with an old pair of
+trousers, a piece of a jacket, just enough to cover his nakedness,
+stockings full of holes, and an old cap, he forgot both friends and
+family and became nothing more or less than an unfortunate shipwrecked
+seaman. In this, his first excursion, he gained much credit, artfully
+imitating passes and certificates that were necessary for him to travel
+unmolested. After a month's travel he happened to meet with his old
+school-fellow Coleman, who had once left the gipsies' society, but, for
+the same reason as himself, returned to them again. Great was their joy
+at meeting, and they agreed to travel some time together; so entering
+Exeter, they, in one day, raised a contribution of several pounds.
+
+Having obtained all he could from this stratagem, he then became a
+plain, honest farmer, whose grounds had been overflowed, and cattle
+drowned; his dejected countenance and mournful tale, together with a
+wife and seven helpless infants being partakers of his misfortunes,
+gained him both pity and profit.
+
+Having obtained a considerable booty by these two stratagems, he
+returned to his companions, where he was received with great applause;
+and, as a mark of their respect, seated him next the king. He soon
+became a great man in the profession and confined not himself from doing
+good to others, when it did not infringe upon the community of which he
+was a member.
+
+His next stratagem was to become a madman; so stripping himself quite
+naked, he threw a blanket over him and then he was, "Poor mad Tom, whom
+the foul fiend had led through fire and through flame; through fire and
+whirlpool, over bog and quagmire; that hath laid knives under his
+pillow, and halters in his pew; set ratsbane for his porridge, and made
+him proud at heart to ride on a bay trotting-horse over four-inch
+bridges; to curse his own shadow for a traitor; who eats the
+swimming-frog, the toad, the tadpole, the wall-newt, and the water-newt;
+that in the fury of his heart, when the foul fiend rages, swallows the
+old rat and ditch dog; drinks the green mantle of the standing pool:
+
+ And mice and rats, and such like gear,
+ Have been Tom's food for seven long year.
+
+"O do de, do de, do de! bless thee! from whirlwind, star-blasting, and
+taking! Do poor Tom some charity, whom the foul fiend vexes. There I
+could have him now--and there!--and there!--and here again!--and
+there!--Through the sharp hawthorn blows the cold wind--Tom's a
+cold!--who gives anything to poor Tom?"
+
+In this character, with such like expressions, he entered the houses of
+both small and great, claiming kindred to them, and committing all kinds
+of frantic actions, such as beating himself, offering to eat coals of
+fire, running against the wall, and tearing to pieces whatever garments
+were given to him to cover his nakedness; by which means he raised
+considerable contributions.
+
+He never was more happy than when he was engaged in some adventure;
+therefore he was always very diligent to inquire when any accident
+happened, especially fire, to which he would immediately repair, and,
+getting information of the causes, names, trades, and circumstances of
+the unhappy sufferers, he would assume one of them, and burning some
+part of his clothes, by way of demonstration, run to some place distant,
+pass for one of them, gain credit and get much profit. Under this
+character he had once the boldness to address a justice, who was the
+terror and professed enemy to all the gipsies, yet he so well managed
+the affair, that in a long examination he made him believe he was an
+honest miller, whose house, mill and substance had been consumed by
+fire, occasioned by the negligence of the apprentice; and accordingly,
+got a bountiful sum for his relief, the justice not in the least
+suspecting a defraud.
+
+He had such wonderful facility in every character he assumed, that he
+even deceived those who thought themselves so well acquainted with him,
+that it was impossible for him to impose on them.
+
+Coming one day to Squire Portman's house at Blandford, in the character
+of a rat-catcher, with a hair cap on his head, a buff girdle about his
+waste, a little box by his side, and a tame rat in his hand, he goes
+boldly up to the house, where he had been well known before, and meeting
+the squire, Parson Bryant, and one Mr. Pleydell, of Milbourn, and some
+other gentlemen, he asked them if they had any rats to kill. "Do you
+understand the business well?" says the squire. "Yes, an please your
+honour," replied Carew, "I have been a rat-catcher for many years, and I
+have been employed in his majesty's yards and ships." "Well," says the
+squire, "go in and get some vituals, and after dinner we will try your
+abilities." He was accordingly called into the parlour, where were a
+large company of gentlemen and ladies. "Well, honest rat-catcher," says
+the squire, "can you lay any scheme to kill the rats without hurting my
+dogs?" "Yes, yes," cries Carew, "I can lay it where even the rats cannot
+climb to reach it." "What countryman are you?" "A Devonshire man, an
+please your honour." "What is your name?" Here our hero began to
+perceive that he was discovered, by the smilings and whisperings of
+several gentlemen, and he very composedly answered, "My name is Bamfylde
+Moore Carew." This occasioned much mirth, and Mr. Pleydell expressed
+extraordinary pleasure. He had often wished to see him but never had.
+"Yes, you have," replied Carew, "and given me a suit of clothes. Do you
+not remember meeting a poor wretch one day at your stable door, with a
+stocking round his head, an old mantle over his shoulders, without
+shirt, stockings, or scarce any shoes, who told you he was a poor
+unfortunate man, cast away upon the coast, with sixteen more of the crew
+who were all drowned; you, believing the story, generously relieved me
+with a guinea and a good suit of clothes." "I well remember it," said
+Mr. Pleydell, "but, on this discovery, it is impossible to deceive me so
+again, come in whatever shape you will." The company blamed him for thus
+boasting, and secretly prevailed upon Carew to put his art in practice
+to convince him of the fallacy thereof: to which he agreed, and in a few
+days after appointing the company present to be at Mr. Pleydell's house,
+he put the following scheme into execution.
+
+He shaved himself closely, and clothed himself in an old woman's
+apparel, with a high-crowned hat, and a large dowdy under his chin;
+then, taking three children from among his fraternity, he tied two on
+his back and one under his arm. Thus accoutred, he comes to Mr.
+Pleydell's door, and pinching one of the brats, set it a roaring; this
+gave the alarm to the dogs, who came out with open mouths, so that the
+whole company was soon alarmed. Out came the maid saying, "Carry away
+the children, good woman, they disturb the ladies." "God bless their
+ladyships," said Carew, "I am the poor unfortunate grandmother of these
+helpless infants, whose mother and all they had were burnt at the
+dreadful fire at Kirkton, and hope the good ladies, for Heaven's sake,
+will bestow something on the poor, famishing, starving infants." In goes
+the maid with this affecting story to the ladies, while Carew keeps
+pinching the children to make them cry, and the maid soon returned with
+half-a-crown and some good broth, which he thankfully received, and went
+into the court-yard to sit down and sup them, as perceiving the gentlemen
+were not at home. He had not long been there before they came, when one
+of them accosted him thus--"Where do you come from, old woman?" "From
+Kirkton, please your honours," said he, "where the poor unhappy mother
+of these helpless infants was burnt in the flames and all she had
+consumed." "There has been more money collected for Kirkton than ever
+Kirkton was worth," said the gentleman. However, they gave the supposed
+old grandmother a shilling, commiserating the hard case of her and her
+poor helpless infants, which he thankfully received, pretending to go
+away; but the gentlemen were hardly got into the house, before their
+ears were suddenly saluted with a "tantivy, tantivy," and a "halloo" to
+the dogs; on which they turned about, supposing it to be some other
+sportsmen; but seeing nobody, they imagined it to be Carew, in the
+disguise of the old Kirkton grandmother; so bidding the servants fetch
+him back, he was brought into the parlour among them all, and confessed
+himself to be the famous Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew, to the astonishmet
+and mirth of them all; who well rewarded him for the diversion he had
+afforded them.
+
+In like manner he raised a contribution twice in one day of Mr. Jones,
+near Bristol. In the morning, with a sooty face, leather apron, a
+dejected countenance, and a woollen cap, he was generously relieved as
+an unfortunate blacksmith, whose all had been consumed by fire. In the
+afternoon he exchanged his legs for crutches, and, with a dejected
+countenance, pale face, and every sign of pain, he became a disabled
+tinner, incapable of maintaining a wife and seven small children, by the
+damps and hardships he had suffered in the mines; and so well acted his
+part, that the tinner got as well relieved in the afternoon as the
+blacksmith in the morning.
+
+These successful stratagems gained him high applause and honour in the
+community of gipsies. He soon became the favourite of their king, who
+was very old and decrepid, and had always some honourable mark of
+distinction assigned him at their assemblies.
+
+Being one morning near the seat of his good friend, Sir William
+Courtney, he was resolved to pay him three visits that day. He therefore
+puts on a parcel of rags, and goes to him with a piteous, mean, dismal
+countenance, and deplorable tale, and got half-a-crown from him, telling
+him he had met with great misfortunes at sea. At noon he puts on a
+leather apron scorched with fire, and with a dejected countenance goes
+to him again, and was relieved as an unfortunate shoemaker, who had been
+burnt out of his house and all he had. In the afternoon he goes again in
+trimmed clothes, and desiring admittance to Sir William, with a modest
+grace and submissive eloquence, he repeats his misfortunes, as the
+supercargo of a vessel which had been cast away and his whole effects
+lost.
+
+Sir William, seeing his genteel appearance and behaviour, treated him
+with respect and gave him a guinea at his departure. There were several
+gentlemen at dinner with Sir William at that time, none of whom had any
+knowledge of him except the Rev. Mr. Richards, who did not discover him
+till he was gone; upon which a servant was despatched to desire him to
+come back, which he did; and when he entered the room they were very
+merry with him and requested him to give an account how he got his fine
+clothes, and of his stratagems, with the success of them. He asked Sir
+William if he had not given half-a-crown in the morning to a beggar, and
+about noon relieved a poor unfortunate shoemaker. "I did," said Sir
+William. "Behold him before you," said Carew, "in this fine embroidered
+coat, as a broken merchant." The company would not believe him; so to
+convince them, he re-assumed those characters again, to their no small
+mirth and satisfaction.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _Carew made King of the Beggars._
+
+
+On the death of the king of the gipsies, named Clause Patch, our hero
+was a candidate to succeed him, and exhibited to the electors a long
+list of bold and ingenious stratagems which he had executed, and made so
+graceful and majestic an appearance in his person, that he had a
+considerable majority of voices, though there were ten candidates for
+the same honour; on which he was declared duly elected and hailed by the
+whole assembly--King of the Gipsies. The public register of their acts
+being immediately committed to his care, and homage done him by all the
+assembly, the whole concluded by rejoicings.
+
+Though Mr. Carew was now privileged, by the dignity of his office, from
+going on any cruise, and was provided with everything necessary by the
+joint contribution of the community, yet he did not give himself up to
+indolence. Our hero, though a king, was as active in his stratagems as
+ever, and ready to encounter any difficulty which seemed to promise
+success.
+
+Mr. Carew being in the town of South Molton, in Devonshire, and having
+been ill-used by an officer there called the bellman, resolved on the
+following stratagem by way of revenge. It was at that time reported that
+a gentleman of the town, lately buried, walked nightly in the
+churchyard; and as the bellman was obliged by his nightly duty to go
+through it just at the very hour of one, Mr. Carew repaired thither a
+little before the time, and stripping in his shirt, lay down upon the
+gentleman's grave. Soon after, hearing the bellman approach, he raised
+himself up with a solemn slowness, which the bellman beholding, by the
+glimmerings of the moon through a dark cloud, was terribly frightened,
+so took to his heels and ran away. In his fright he looked behind him,
+and seeing the ghost following him, dropped his bell and ran the faster;
+which Carew seized on as a trophy, and forbore any further pursuit. The
+bellman did not stop till he reached home, where he obstinately affirmed
+he had seen the gentleman's ghost, who had taken away the bell, which
+greatly alarmed the whole town.
+
+Coming to the seat of Squire Rhodes, in Devonshire, and knowing he had
+lately married a Dorsetshire lady, he thought proper to become a
+Dorsetshire man of Lyme, the place of the lady's nativity; and meeting
+the squire and his bride, he gave them to understand that he was lost in
+a vessel belonging to Lyme, Captain Courtney, commander. The squire and
+his lady gave him half-a-crown each, for country sake, and entertained
+him at their house.
+
+Our hero, exercising his profession at Milbury, where the squire's
+father lived, and to whom the son was come on a visit, Mr. Carew made
+application to him, and knocking at the door, on its being opened, saw
+the young squire sitting alone, whom Mr. Rhodes interrupted by saying he
+"was twice in one day imposed on by that rogue Carew, of whose gang you
+may likely be: besides, I do not live here, but am a stranger." In the
+meantime comes the old squire, with a bottle of wine in his hand, giving
+Carew a wink to let him understand he knew him, and then very gravely
+inquired into the circumstances of his misfortunes, and also of the
+affairs and inhabitants of Dartmouth, from whence he pretended to have
+sailed several times, of all which he gave a full and particular
+account, whereupon the old squire gave him half-a-crown, and the young
+one the same; on which Carew and the old man burst into laughter, and
+discovered the whole affair, at which Squire Rhodes was a little
+chagrined at being imposed on a third time; but, on recollecting the
+expertness of the performer, was well satisfied, and they spent the
+remainder of the day in mirth and jollity.
+
+At Bristol he dressed himself like a poor mechanic, and then going out
+into the streets, acted the religious madman, talking in a raving manner
+about Messrs. Whitfield and Wesley, as though he was disordered in his
+mind by their preaching; calling in a furious manner, every step, upon
+the Virgin Mary, Pontius Pilate, and Mary Magdalene, and acting every
+part of a man religiously mad; sometimes walking with his eyes fixed
+upon the ground, and then on a sudden he would break out in some
+passionate expressions about religion. This behaviour greatly excited
+the curiosity and compassion of the people; some of them talked to him,
+but he answered everything they said in a wild and incoherent manner;
+and, as compassion is generally the forerunner of charity, he was
+relieved by most of them.
+
+Next morning he appeared in a morning gown, still acting the madman, and
+addressed himself to all the posts of the street, as if they were
+saints, lifting up his hands and eyes to heaven, in a fervent but
+distracted manner, and making use of so many extravagant gestures, that
+he astonished the whole city. Going through Castle Street he met the
+Rev. Mr. Bone, whom he accosted with his arms thrown around him, and
+insisted, in a raving manner, he should tell him who was the father of
+the morning star; which frightened the parson so much, that he took to
+his heels and ran for it, Carew running after him, till the parson was
+obliged to take shelter in a house.
+
+Having well recruited his pocket by this stratagem, he left Bristol
+next day, and travelled towards Bath, acting the madman all the way till
+he came to Bath: as soon as he came there, he inquired for Dr. Coney's,
+and being directed to his house, found two brother mendicants at the
+door. After they had waited some time, the servant brought out each of
+them a halfpenny, for which his brother mendicants were very thankful.
+But Carew gave his halfpenny to one of them; then knocking at the door,
+and the maid coming out again, "Tell your master," says he, "I am not a
+halfpenny man, but that my name is Bamfylde Moore Carew, king of the
+mendicants;" which being told, the doctor came out with one of his
+daughters and gave him sixpence and a mug of drink, for which he
+returned them thanks.
+
+Mr. Carew happening to be in the city of Wells on a Sunday, was told the
+bishop was to preach that morning, on which he slipped on a black
+waistcoat and morning gown, and ran out to meet the bishop as he was
+walking in procession, and addressed himself to him as a poor unhappy
+man, whose misfortunes had turned his brains; which the bishop hearing
+gave him half-a-crown.
+
+It was in Newcastle-upon-Tyne that he became enamoured with the daughter
+of Mr. Glady, an eminent apothecary and surgeon there. This young lady
+had charms sufficient to captivate the heart of any man susceptible of
+love; and they made so deep an impression upon him, that they wholly
+effaced every object which before had created any desire in him, and
+never permitted any other to raise them afterwards; for, wonderful to
+tell, we have, after about thirty years' enjoyment, seen him lament her
+occasional absence, almost with tears, and talk of her with all the
+fondness of one who has been in love with her but three days. Our hero
+tried all love's persuasions with his fair one in an honourable way,
+and, as his person was very engaging and his appearance genteel, he did
+not find her greatly averse to his proposals. As he was aware that his
+being of the community of gipsies might prejudice her against him,
+without examination, he passed with her for the mate of a collier's
+vessel, in which he was supported by Captain Lawn, in whose vessel they
+set sail; and the very winds being willing to favour these happy lovers,
+they had an exceedingly quick passage to Dartmouth, where they landed.
+In a few days they set out for Bath, where they lawfully solemnized
+their nuptials with great gaiety and splendour; and nobody at that time
+could conjecture who they were, which was the cause of much speculation
+and false surmises.
+
+Some time after this he took his passage at Folkstone, in Kent, for
+Boulogne, in France, where he arrived safe and proceeded to Paris and
+other noted cities of that kingdom. His habit was now tolerably good,
+his countenance grave, his behaviour sober and decent--pretending to be
+a Roman Catholic, who had left England, his native country, out of an
+ardent zeal for spending his days in the bosom of the Catholic church.
+This story readily gained belief: his zeal was universally applauded,
+and handsome contributions made for him. But, at the time he was so
+zealous a Roman Catholic, with a little change of habit, he used to
+address those English he heard of in any place, as a Protestant and
+shipwrecked seaman; and had the good fortune to meet with an English
+physician at Paris, to whom he told this deplorable tale, who not only
+relieved him very handsomely, but recommended him to that noble pattern
+of unexhausted benevolence, Mrs. Horner, who was then on her travels,
+from whom he received ten guineas, and from some other company with her
+five more.
+
+It was about this time he became acquainted with the Hon. Sir William
+Weem, in the following manner:--Being at Watchett, in Somersetshire,
+near the seat of that gentleman, he resolved to pay him a visit. Putting
+on, therefore, a jacket and a pair of trousers, he made the best of his
+way to Sir William's seat, and luckily met Sir William, Lord
+Bolingbroke, and several other gentlemen and clergy, with some
+commanders of vessels, walking in the park. Carew approached Sir William
+with a great deal of seeming fearfulness and respect, and with much
+modesty acquainted him he was a Silverton man, that he was the son of
+one of his tenants named Moore--had been to Newfoundland, and in his
+passage homeward, the vessel was run down by a French ship in a fog, and
+only he and two more were saved; but being put on board an Irish vessel,
+were carried into Ireland, and from thence landed at Watchett. Sir
+William hearing this, asked him a great many questions concerning the
+inhabitants of Silverton, who were most of them his own tenants, and of
+the principal gentlemen in the neighbourhood; all whom Carew was well
+acquainted with and therefore gave satisfactory answers. Sir William at
+last asked him if he knew Bickley, and if he knew the parson thereof.
+Carew replied that he knew him very well, and so indeed he might as it
+was no other than his own father. Sir William then inquired what family
+he had, and whether he had not a son named Bamfylde, and what became of
+him. "Your honour," replied he, "means the beggar and dog-stealer--I
+don't know what has become of him, but it is a wonder if he is not
+hanged by this time." "No, I hope not," replied Sir William, "I should
+be glad, for his family's sake, to see him at my house." Having
+satisfactorily answered many other questions, Sir William generously
+relieved him with a guinea, and Lord Bolingbroke followed his example;
+the other gentlemen and clergy contributed according to their different
+ranks. Sir William then ordered him to go to his house and tell the
+butler to entertain him, which he accordingly did, and set himself down
+with great comfort.
+
+Having heard that young Lord Clifford, his first cousin (who had just
+returned from his travels abroad), was at his seat at Callington, about
+four miles from Bridgewater, he resolved to pay him a visit. In his way
+thither resided parson Carson, who, being one whom nature had made up in
+a hurry without a heart, Mr. Carew had never been able to obtain
+anything off him, even under the most moving appearance of distress, but
+a small cup of drink. Stopping now in his way, he found the parson was
+gone to Lord Clifford's; but, being saluted at the door by a fine black
+spaniel, with almost as much crustiness as he would have been had his
+master been at home, he thought himself under no stronger obligation of
+observing the strict laws of honour, than the parson did of hospitality;
+and therefore soon charmed the crossness of the spaniel and made him
+follow him to Bridgewater.
+
+Having secured the spaniel and passed the night merrily at Bridgewater,
+he set out the next morning for Lord Clifford's, and in his way called
+upon the parson again, who very crustily told him he had lost his dog,
+and supposed some of his gang had stolen him; to which Mr. Carew very
+calmly replied, "What was he to his dog, or what was his dog to him? if
+he would make him drink it was well, for he was very dry." At last, with
+the use of much rhetoric, he got a cup of small drink; then, taking
+leave of him, he went to the Red Lion, in the same parish, where he
+stayed some time. In the meantime, down ran the parson to my Lord
+Clifford's, to acquaint him that Mr. Carew was in the parish and to
+advise him to take care of his dogs; so that Mr. Carew, coming down
+immediately after, found a servant with one dog in his arms, and another
+with another, here one stood whistling and another calling, and both my
+lord and his brother were running about to seek after their favourites.
+
+Mr. Carew asked my lord what was the meaning of this hurry, and if his
+dogs were cripples, because he saw several carried in the servants'
+arms, adding, he hoped his lordship did not imagine he was come to steal
+any of them. Upon which his lordship told him, that parson Carson had
+advised him to be careful, as he had lost his spaniel but the day
+before. "It may be so," replied he, "the parson knows but little of me,
+or the laws of our community, if he is ignorant that with us ingratitude
+is unknown, and the property of our friends always sacred." His
+lordship, hearing this, entertained him very handsomely, and both
+himself and his brother made him a present.
+
+On his return home, he reflected how idly he had spent the prime of
+life; and recovering from a severe illness, he came to a resolution of
+resigning the Egyptian sceptre. The assembly, finding him determined,
+reluctantly acquiesced, and he departed amidst the applause and sighs of
+his subjects.
+
+Our adventurer, finding the air of the town not rightly to agree with
+him, and the death of some of his relations rendering his circumstances
+quite easy, he retired to the western parts, to a neat purchase he had
+made, and there he ended his days, beloved and esteemed by all; leaving
+his daughter (his wife dying some time before him) a genteel fortune,
+who was married to a neighbouring young gentleman.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ COMICAL SAYINGS
+
+ OF
+
+ PADDY FROM CORK
+
+ WITH HIS
+
+ COAT BUTTONED BEHIND
+
+ Being an Elegant Conference between English Tom and
+ Irish Teague;
+ WITH PADDY'S CATECHISM,
+ And his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor.
+
+
+
+
+ PART I.
+
+
+_Tom._ GOOD morrow, sir. This is a very cold day.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, yesternight was a very cold morning.
+
+_Tom._ Well, brother traveller, of what nation art thou?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I came from my own kingdom.
+
+_Tom._ Why, I know that; but where is thy kingdom?
+
+_Teag._ Allelieu, dear honey, don't you know Cork in Ireland?
+
+_Tom._ You fool, Cork is not a kingdom, but a city.
+
+_Teag._ Then, dear shoy, I'm sure it is in a kingdom.
+
+_Tom._ And what is the reason you have come and left your own dear
+country?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, by Shaint Patrick, they have got such comical
+laws in our country that they will put a man to death in perfect health;
+so, to be free and plain with you, neighbour, I was obliged to come
+away, for I did not choose to stay among such a people that can hang a
+poor man when they please, if he either steals, robs, or kills a man.
+
+_Tom._ Ay, but I take you to be more of an honest man than to steal,
+rob, or kill a man.
+
+_Teag._ Honest, I am perfectly honest. When I was but a child my mother
+would have trusted me with a house full of mill-stones.
+
+_Tom._ What was the matter? Was you guilty of nothing?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I did harm to nobody, but fancied an old
+gentleman's gun, and afterwards made it my own.
+
+_Tom._ Very well, boy, and did you keep it so?
+
+_Teag._ Keep it? I would have kept it with all my heart while I lived.
+Death itself could not have parted us; but the old rogue, the gentleman,
+being a justice of peace himself, had me tried for the rights of it, and
+how I came by it, and so took it again.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you clear yourself without punishment?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I told him a parcel of lies, but they would not
+believe me, for I said that I got it from my father when it was a little
+pistol, and I had kept it till it had grown a gun, and was designed to
+use it well until it had grown a big cannon, and then sell it to the
+military. They all fell a-laughing at me as I had been a fool, and bade
+me go home to my mother and clean the potatoes.
+
+_Tom._ How long is it since you left your own country?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I do not mind whether it be a fortnight or
+four months; but I think myself it is a long time. They tell me my
+mother is dead since, but I won't believe it until I get a letter from
+her own hand, for she is a very good scholar, suppose she can neither
+write nor read.
+
+_Tom._ Was you ever in England before?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, that I was, and in Scotland too.
+
+_Tom._ And were they kind to you when you were in Scotland?
+
+_Teag._ They were that kind that they kicked me, and the reason was
+because I would not pay the whole of the liquor that was drunk in the
+company, though the landlord and his two sons got mouthful about of it
+all, and I told them it was a trick upon travellers first to drink his
+liquor, and then to kick him out of doors.
+
+_Tom._ I really think they have used you badly, but could you not beat
+them.
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, beat them all to their own contentment; but
+there was one of them stronger than me who would have killed me if the
+other two had not pulled me away, and I had to run for it till his
+passion was over. Then they made us drink and gree again; we shook
+hands, and made a bargain never to harm other more; but this bargain did
+not last long, for, as I was kissing his mouth, by Shaint Patrick I bit
+his nose, which caused him to beat me very sore for my pains.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what calling was you when in Scotland?
+
+_Teag._ Why, sir, I was no business at all, but what do you call the
+green tree that's like a whin bush, people makes a thing to sweep the
+house of it!
+
+_Tom._ O, yes, Paddy, they call it the broom.
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, you have it, I was a gentleman's broom, only waited on
+his horses, and washed the dishes for the cook; and when my master rode
+a-hunting I went behind with the dogs.
+
+_Tom._ O, yes, Paddy, it was the groom you mean. But I fancy you was
+cook's mate or kitchen boy.
+
+_Teag._ No, no, it was the broom that I was; and if I had stayed there
+till now I might have been advanced as high as my master, for the ladies
+loved me so well that they laughed at me.
+
+_Tom._ They might admire you for a fool.
+
+_Teag._ What, sir, do you imagine that I am not a fool? No, no; my
+master asked counsel of me in all his matters, and I always give him a
+reason for everything. I told him one morning that he went too soon to
+the hunting, that the hares were not got out of their beds, and neither
+the barking of horns nor the blowing of dogs could make them rise, it
+was such a cold morning that night; so they all ran away that we
+catched, when we did not see them. Then my master told my words to
+several gentlemen that were at dinner, and they admired me for want of
+judgment, for my head was all of a lump, adding they were going
+a-fishing along with my master and me in the afternoon; but I told them
+that it was a very unhappy thing for any man to go a-hunting in the
+morning and a-fishing in the afternoon. They would try it, but they had
+better stayed at home, for it came on a most terrible fine night of
+south-west rain, and even down wind; so the fishes got all below the
+water to keep themselves dry from the shower, and we catched them all,
+but got none.
+
+_Tom._ How long did you serve that gentleman, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was with him six weeks, and he beat me seven
+times.
+
+_Tom._ For what did he beat you? Was it for your madness and foolish
+tricks?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, it was not, but for being too inquisitive, and going
+sharply about business. First, he sent me to the post office to inquire
+if there were any letters for him; so when I came there, said I, "Is
+there any letters here for my master to-day?" Then they asked who was my
+master. "Sir," said I, "it is very bad manners in you to ask any
+gentleman's name." At this they laughed, mocking me, and said they could
+give me none if I would not tell my master's name; so I returned to my
+master and told him the impudence of the fellow, who would give me no
+letters unless I would tell him your name, master. My master at this
+flew in a passion, and kicked me down stairs, saying, "Go, you rogue,
+and tell my name directly. How can the gentleman give letters when he
+knows not who is asking for them?" Then I returned and told my master's
+name; so they told me there was one for him. I looked at it, being very
+small, and, asking the price of it, they told me it was sixpence.
+"Sixpence," said I; "will you take sixpence for that small thing, and
+selling bigger ones for twopence. Faith, I am not such a big fool. You
+think to cheat me now. This is not a conscionable way of dealing. I'll
+acquaint my master with it first." So I came and told my master how they
+would have sixpence for his letter, and was selling bigger ones for
+twopence. He took up my head and broke his cane with it, calling me a
+thousand fools, saying the man was more just than to take anything but
+the right for it; but I was sure there was none of them right, buying
+and selling such dear pennyworths. So I came again for my dear sixpence
+letter; and, as the fellow was shuffling through a parcel of them,
+seeking for it again, to make the best of a dear market, I picked up
+two, and home I comes to my master, thinking he would be pleased with
+what I had done. "Now," said I, "master, I think I have put a trick upon
+them fellows for selling the letter to you." "What have you done." "I
+have only taken other two letters. Here's one for you, master, to help
+your dear penny-worth, and I'll send the other to my mother to see
+whether she be dead or alive, for she's always angry I don't write to
+her." I had not the word well spoken till he got up his stick and beat
+me heartily for it, and sent me back to the fellows again with the two.
+I had a very ill will to go, but nobody would buy them of me.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, I think you was to blame, and your master, too, for
+he ought to have taught you how to go about these affairs, and not beat
+you so.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I had too much wit of my own to be teached by
+him, or anybody else. He began to instruct me after that how I should
+serve the table, and such nasty things as those. One night I took ben a
+roasted fish in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. The old
+gentleman was so saucy he would not take it, and told me I should bring
+nothing to him without a trencher below it. The same night, as he was
+going to bed, he called for his slippers; so I clapt a trencher below
+the slippers, and ben I goes. No sooner did I enter the room than he
+threw the trencher at me, which broke both my head and the trencher at
+one blow. "Now," said I, "the evil one is in my master altogether, for
+what he commands at one time he countermands at another." Next day I
+went with him to the market to buy a sack of potatoes. I went to the
+potato-monger, and asked what he took for the full of a Scot's cog. He
+weighed them in. He asked no less than fourpence. "Fourpence!" said I;
+"if I were but in Dublin I could get the double of that for nothing, and
+in Cork and Linsale far cheaper. Them is but small things like pease,"
+said I, "but the potatoes in my country is as big as your head--fine
+meat, all made up in blessed mouthfuls." The potato merchant called me a
+liar, and my master called me a fool; so the one fell a-kicking me and
+the other a-cuffing me. I was in such bad bread among them that I called
+myself both a liar and a fool to get off alive.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you carry your potatoes home from the market?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I carried the horse and them both, besides a
+big loaf, and two bottles of wine; for I put the old horse on my back,
+and drove the potatoes before me; and when I tied the load to the loaf,
+I had nothing to do but to carry the bottle in my hand; but bad luck to
+the way as I came home, for a nail out of the heel of my foot sprung a
+leak in my brogue, which pricked the very bone, bruised the skin, and
+made my brogue itself to blood; and I having no hammer by me, but a
+hatchet I left at home, I had to beat down the nail with the bottom of
+the bottle; and by the book, dear shoy, it broke to pieces, and
+scattered the wine in my mouth.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you recompense your master for the loss of the bottle
+of wine?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I had a mind to cheat him, and myself too, for
+I took the bottle to a blacksmith, and desired him to mend it, that I
+might go to the butcher and get it full of bloody water; but he told me
+he could not work in anything but steel and iron. "Arra," said I, "if I
+were in my own kingdom, I could get a blacksmith who would make a bottle
+out of a stone, and a stone out of nothing."
+
+_Tom._ And how did you trick your master out of it?
+
+_Teag._ Why, the old rogue began to chide me, asking me what way I broke
+it. Then I held up the other as high as my head, and let it fall to the
+ground on a stone, which broke it all to pieces likewise. "Now," said I,
+"master, that's the way," and he beat me very heartily until I had to
+shout out mercy and murder all at once.
+
+_Tom._ Why did you not leave him when he used you so badly?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I could never think to leave him while I could
+eat; he gave me so many good victuals, and promised to prefer me to be
+his own bone-picker. But, by Shaint Patrick, I had to run away with my
+life or all was done, else I had lost my dear shoul and body too by him,
+and then come home much poorer than I went away. The great big bitch
+dog, which was my master's best beloved, put his head into a pitcher to
+lick out some milk, and when it was in he could not get it out; and I,
+to save the pitcher, got the hatchet and cut off the dog's head, and
+then I had to break the pitcher to get out the head. By this I lost both
+the dog and the pitcher. My master, hearing of this, swore he would cut
+the head off me, for the poor dog was made useless, and could not see to
+follow anybody for want of his eyes. And when I heard of this, I ran
+away with my own head, for, if I had wanted it, I had lost my eyes too,
+then I would not have seen the road to Port Patrick, through Glen-nap;
+but, by Shaint Patrick, I came home alive in spite of them.
+
+_Tom._ O, rarely done, Paddy; you behaved like a man! But what is the
+reason that you Irish people swear always by Saint Patrick?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, he was the best shaint in the world, the
+father of all good people in the kingdom. He has a great kindness for an
+Irishman when he hears him calling on his name.
+
+_Tom._ But, Paddy, is Saint Patrick yet alive?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I don't know whether he be dead or alive, but
+it is a long time since they killed him. The people all turned heathens,
+but he would not change his profession, and was going to run the country
+with it, and for taking the gospel away to England, so the barbarous
+Tories of Dublin cutted off his head; and he swimmed over to England,
+and carried his head in his teeth.
+
+
+ PART II.
+
+_Tom._ How did you get safe out of Scotland?
+
+_Tom._ By the law, dear honey. When I came to Port Patrick, and saw my
+own kingdom, I knew I was safe at home, but I was clean dead, and almost
+drowned before I could get riding over the water; for I, with nine
+passengers more, leapt into a little young boat, having but four men
+dwelling in a little house in the one end of it, which was all thacked
+with deals; and, after they had pulled up her tether-stick, and laid her
+long halter over her mane, they pulled up a long sheet, like three pair
+of blankets, to the rigging of the house, and the wind blew in that,
+which made her gallop up one hill and down another, till I thought she
+would have run to the world's end.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, and where did you go when you came to Ireland again?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, and where did I go but to my own dear cousin,
+who was now become very rich by the death of the old buck, his father,
+who died but a few weeks before I went over, and the parish had to bury
+him out of pity; it did not cost him a farthing.
+
+_Tom._ And what entertainment did you get there?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, I was kindly used as another gentleman, and
+would have stayed there long enough, but when a man is poor his friends
+think little of him. I told him I was going to see my brother Harry.
+"Harry!" said he, "Harry is dead." "Dead!" said I, "and who killed him?"
+"Why," said he, "Death." "Allelieu, dear honey, and where did he kill
+him?" said I. "In his bed," says he. "Arra, dear honey," said I, "if he
+had been upon Newry mountains, with his brogues on, and his broad sword
+by his side, all the deaths in Ireland had not have killed him. O that
+impudent fellow Death. If he had let him alone till he died for want of
+butter milk and potatoes, I am sure he had lived all the days of his
+life."
+
+_Tom._ In all your travels when abroad, did you never see none of your
+countrymen to inform you of what happened at home concerning your
+relations?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I saw none but Tom Jack, one day in the street;
+but when I came to him, it was not him, but one just like him.
+
+_Tom._ On what account did you go a-travelling?
+
+_Teag._ Why, a recruiting sergeant listed me to be a captain, and after
+all advanced me no higher than a soldier itself, but only he called me
+his dear countryman recruit, for I did not know what the regiment was
+when I saw them. I thought they were all gentlemen's sons and
+collegioners, when I saw a box like a Bible upon their bellies, until I
+saw G for King George upon it, and R for God bless him. "Ho, ho," said
+I, "I shan't be long here."
+
+_Tom._ O, then, Paddy, you deserted from them?
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, and ran to the mountains like a buck, and
+ever since when I see any soldiers I close my eyes, lest they should
+look and know me.
+
+_Tom._ And what exploits did you when you was a soldier?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I killed a man.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you do that?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, when he dropt his sword I drew mine, and
+advanced boldly to him, and then cutted off his foot.
+
+_Tom._ O, then, what a big fool was you, for you ought first to have cut
+off his head.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, his head was cutted off before I engaged him,
+else I had not done it.
+
+_Tom._ O, then, Paddy, you acted like a fool; but you are not such a big
+fool as many take you to be. You might pass for a philosopher.
+
+_Teag._ A fulusipher. My father was a fulusipher; besides, he was a man
+under great authority by law, condemning the just and clearing the
+guilty. Do you know how they call the horse's mother?
+
+_Tom._ Why, they call her a mare.
+
+_Teag._ A mare, ay, very well minded. My father was a mare in Cork.
+
+_Tom._ And what riches was left you by the death of your mother?
+
+_Teag._ A bad luck to her own barren belly, for she lived in great
+plenty, and died in great poverty; devoured up all or she died, but two
+hens and a pockful of potatoes--a poor estate for an Irish gentleman, in
+faith.
+
+_Tom._ And what did you make of the hens and potatoes? Did you sow them?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I sowed them in my belly, and sold the hens to
+a cadger.
+
+_Tom._ What business did your mother follow after?
+
+_Teag._ Greatly in the merchant way.
+
+_Tom._ And what sort of goods did she deal in?
+
+_Teag._ Dear honey, she went through the country and sold small fishes,
+onions, and apples; bought hens and eggs, and then hatched them herself.
+I remember of a long-necked cock she had, of an oversea brood, that
+stood on the midden and picked all the stars out of the north-west, so
+they were never so thick there since.
+
+_Tom._ Now, Paddy, that's a bull surpasses all; but is there none of
+that cock's offspring alive now?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I don't think there are; but it is a pity but
+that they had, for they would fly with people above the sea, which would
+put the use of ships out of fashion, and nobody would be drowned at all.
+
+_Tom._ Very well, Paddy, but in all your travels did you ever get a
+wife?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, that's what I did, and a wicked wife, too; and, my dear
+shoy, I can't tell whether she is gone to Purgatory or the parish of
+Pig-trantrum, for she told me she should certainly die the first
+opportunity she could get, as this present evil world was not worth the
+waiting on, so she would go and see what good things is in the world to
+come; so when that old rover called the Fever came raging over the whole
+kingdom, she went away and died out of spite, leaving me nothing.
+
+_Tom._ O, but, Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor, and got some
+pills and physic for her.
+
+_Teag._ By Shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own as any doctor
+in the kingdom could give her.
+
+_Tom._ O, you fool, that is not what I mean. You ought to have brought
+the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood off her if he thought it
+needful.
+
+_Teag._ Yes, that's what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever she
+died, and sought something for a dead or dying woman. The old foolish
+devil was at his dinner, and began to ask me some stupid questions, and
+then kicked me down stairs.
+
+_Tom._ And in what good order did you bury your wife when she died?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, she was buried in all manner of pomp, pride,
+and splendour--a fine coffin, with cords in it; and within the coffin,
+along with herself, she got a pair of new brogues, a penny candle, a
+good, hard-headed old hammer, with an Irish sixpenny piece, to pay her
+passage at the gate, and what more could she look for?
+
+_Tom._ I really think you gave her enough along with her, but you ought
+to have cried for her, if it was no more but to be in the fashion.
+
+_Teag._ And why should I cry without sorrow, when we hired two criers to
+cry all the way before her to keep her in the fashion?
+
+_Tom._ And what do they cry before a dead woman?
+
+_Teag._ Why, they cry the common cry, or funeral lament, that is used in
+our Irish country.
+
+_Tom._ And what manner of cry is that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Dear Tom, if you don't know I'll tell you. When any person dies
+there is a number of criers goes before, saying, "Luff, fuff, fou,
+allelieu, dear honey, what aileth thee to die! It was not for want of
+good butter milk and potatoes."
+
+
+ PART III.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, and what did you do when your wife died?
+
+_Teag._ Dear honey, what would I do? Do you think I was such a big fool
+as to die too? I am sure if I had I would not have got fair play, when I
+am not so old yet as my father was when he died.
+
+_Tom._ No, Paddy, it is not that I mean. Was you sorry, or did you weep
+for her?
+
+_Teag._ Weep for her! By Shaint Patrick, I would not weep, nor yet be
+sorry, suppose my own mother and all the women in Ireland had died seven
+years before I was born.
+
+_Tom._ What did you do with your children when she died?
+
+_Teag._ Do you imagine I was such a big fool as bury my children alive
+along with a dead woman? Arra, dear honey, we always commonly give
+nothing along with a dead person but an old shirt, a winding sheet, a
+big hammer, with a long candle, and an Irish silver threepenny piece.
+
+_Tom._ Dear Paddy, and what do they make of all these things?
+
+_Teag._ Then, Tom, since you are so inquisitive, you must go ask the
+priest.
+
+_Tom._ What did you make of your children, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ And what should I make of them? Do you imagine that I should
+give them into the hands of the butchers, as they had been a parcel of
+young hogs. By Shaint Patrick, I had more unnaturality in me than to put
+them in an hospital as others do.
+
+_Tom._ No; I suppose you would leave them with your friends?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, a poor man's friends is sometimes worse than a professed
+enemy. The best friend I ever had in the world was my own pocket while
+my money lasted; but I left two babes between the priest's door and the
+parish church, because I thought it was a place of mercy, and then set
+out for England in quest of another fortune.
+
+_Tom._ I fancy, Paddy, you came off with what they call a moonshine
+flitting.
+
+_Teag._ You lie like a thief now, for I did not see sun, moon, nor
+stars, all the night then, for I set out for Cork at the dawn of night,
+and I had travelled twenty miles all but twelve before gloaming in the
+morning.
+
+_Tom._ And where did you go to take shipping?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I came to a country village called Dublin, as
+big a city as any market town in all England, where I got myself aboard
+of a little young boat with a parcel of fellows and a long leather bag.
+I supposed them to be tinklers, until I asked what they carried in that
+leather sack. They told me it was the English mail they were going over
+with. "Then," said I, "is the milns so scant in England that they must
+send over their corn to Ireland to grind it?" The comical, cunning
+fellows persuaded me it was so. Then I went down to a little house below
+the water, hard by the rigg-back of the boat, and laid me down on their
+leather sack, where I slept myself almost to death with hunger. And,
+dear Tom, to tell you plainly, when I waked I did not know where I was,
+but thought I was dead and buried, for I found nothing all round me but
+wooden walls and timber above.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you come to yourself to know where you was at last?
+
+_Teag._ By the law, dear shoy, I scratched my head in a hundred parts,
+and then set me down to think upon it; so I minded it was my wife that
+was dead, and not me, and that I was alive in the young boat with the
+fellows that carries over the English meal from the Irish milns.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, then, Paddy, I am sure you was glad when you found yourself
+alive?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I was very sure I was alive, but I did not
+think to live long, so I thought it was better for me to steal and be
+hanged than to live all my days and die directly with hunger at last.
+
+_Tom._ Had you no meat nor money along with you?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I gave all the money to the captain of the
+house, or gudeman of the ship, to take me into the sea or over to
+England; and when I was like to eat my old brogues for want of victuals,
+I drew my hanger and cut the lock of the leather sack to get a lick of
+their meal; but, allelieu, dear shoy, I found neither meal nor seeds,
+but a parcel of papers and letters--a poor morsel for a hungry man.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, then, Paddy, you laid down your honesty for nothing.
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, I was a great thief, but got nothing to steal.
+
+_Tom._ And how did you get victuals at last?
+
+_Teag._ Allelieu, dear honey, the thoughts of meat and drink, death and
+life, and everything else, was out of mind. I had not a thought but one.
+
+_Tom._ And what was that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ To go down among the fishes and become a whale; then I would
+have lived at ease all my days, having nothing to do but to drink salt
+water and eat caller oysters.
+
+_Tom._ What was you like to be drowned again?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, drowned, as cleanly drowned as a fish, for the sea blew
+very loud, and the wind ran so high, that we were all cast safe on
+shore, and not one of us drowned at all.
+
+_Tom._ Where did you go when you came on shore?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was not able to go anywhere. You might cast
+a knot on my belly, I was so hollow in the middle, so I went into a
+gentleman's house and told him the bad fortune I had of being drowned
+between Ireland and the foot of his garden, where we came all safe
+ashore. But all the comfort I got from him was a word of truth.
+
+_Tom._ And what was that, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Why, he told me if I had been a good boy at home I needed not to
+have gone so far to push my fortune with an empty pocket, to which I
+answered, "And what magnifies that so long as I am a good workman at no
+trade at all?"
+
+_Tom._ I suppose, Paddy, the gentleman would make you dine with him?
+
+_Teag._ I really thought I was when I saw them roasting and skinning so
+many black chickens, which was nothing but a few dead crows they were
+going to eat. "Ho ho," said I, "them is but dry meat at the best. Of all
+the fowls that flee commend me to the wing of an ox; but all that came
+to my share was a piece of boiled herring and a roasted potato. That was
+the first bit of bread I ever ate in England."
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what business did you follow after in England when
+you was so poor?
+
+_Teag._ What, sir, do you imagine I was poor when I came over on such an
+honourable occasion as to list, and bring myself to no preferment at
+all? As I was an able-bodied man in the face, I thought to be made a
+brigadeer, a grandedeer, or a fuzeleer, or even one of them blew-gowns
+that holds the fierry stick to the bung-hole of the big cannons when
+they let them off to fright away the French. I was as sure as no man
+alive ere I came from Cork, the least preferment I could get was to be
+riding master to a regiment of marines, or one of the black horse
+itself.
+
+_Tom._ And where in England was it you listed?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I was going through a little country village.
+The streets were very sore by reason of the hardness of my feet and
+lameness of my brogues, so I went but very slowly across the streets.
+From port to port is a pretty long way; but I, being weary, thought
+nothing of it. Then the people came all crowding to me as I had been a
+world's wonder, or the wandering Jew, for the rain blew in my face and
+the wind wetted all my belly, which caused me to turn the back of my
+coat before and my buttons behind, which was a good safeguard to my
+body, and the starvation of my naked body, for I had not a good shirt.
+
+_Tom._ I am sure, then, Paddy, they would take you for a fool?
+
+_Teag._ No, no, sir; they admired me for my wisdom, for I always turned
+my buttons before when the wind blew behind; but I wondered how the
+people knew my name and where I came from, for every one told another
+that was Paddy from Cork. I suppose they knew my face by seeing my name
+in the newspapers.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, what business did you follow in the village?
+
+_Teag._ To be sure I was not idle, working at nothing at all, till a
+decruiting sergeant came to town with two or three fellows along with
+him, one beating on a fiddle, and another playing on a drum, tossing
+their airs through the streets, as if they were going to be married. I
+saw them courting none but young men, so, to bring myself to no
+preferment at all, I listed for a soldier. I was too big for a
+grandedeer.
+
+_Tom._ What listing money did you get, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I got five thirteens and a pair of English
+brogues. The guinea, and the rest of the gold, was sent to London to the
+King, my master, to buy me new shirts, a cockade, and common treasing
+for my hat. They made me swear the malicious oath of devilry against the
+king, the colours, and my captain, telling me if ever I desert and not
+run away that I should be shot, and then whipt to death through the
+regiment.
+
+_Tom._ No, Paddy; it is first whipt, and then shot, you mean.
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, it is all one thing at last; but it is best to
+be shot and then whipt--the cleverest way to die I'll warrant you.
+
+_Tom._ How much pay did you get, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Do you know the little tall fat sergeant that feed me to be a
+soldier?
+
+_Tom._ And how should I know them I never saw, you fool?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, you may know him whether you see him or not. His face
+is all bored in holes with the smallpox, his nose is the colour of a
+lobster-toe, and his chin like a well washen potato. He's the biggest
+rogue in our kingdom. You'll know him when you meet him again. The rogue
+height me sixpence a day, kill or no kill; and when I laid Sunday and
+Saturday both together, and all the days in one day, I can't make a
+penny above fivepence of it.
+
+_Tom._ You should have kept an account, and asked your arrears once a
+month.
+
+_Teag._ That's what I did, but he reads a paternoster out of his prayer
+book, wherein all our names are written; so much for a stop-hold to my
+gun, to bucklers, to a pair of comical harn-hose, with leather buttons
+from top to toe; and, worst of all, he would have no less than a penny a
+week to a doctor. "Arra," said I, "I never had a sore finger, nor yet a
+sick toe, all the days of my life; then what have I to do with the
+doctor, or the doctor to do with me."
+
+_Tom._ And did he make you pay all these things?
+
+_Teag._ Ay, ay, pay and better pay: he took me before his captain, who
+made me pay all was in his book. "Arra, master captain," said I, "you
+are a comical sort of a fellow now; you might as well make me pay for my
+coffin before I be dead, as to pay for a doctor before I be sick;" to
+which he answered in a passion, "Sir," said he, "I have seen many a
+better man buried without a coffin;" "Sir," said I, "then I'll have a
+coffin, die when I will, if there be as much wood in all the world, or I
+shall not be buried at all." Then he called for the sergeant, saying,
+"You, sir, go and buy that man's coffin, and put it in the store till he
+die, and stop sixpence a week off his pay for it." "No, no, sir," said
+I, "I'll rather die without a coffin, and seek none when I'm dead, but
+if you are for clipping another sixpence off my pay, keep it all to
+yourself, and I'll swear all your oaths of agreement we had back again,
+and then seek soldiers where you will."
+
+_Tom._ O then, Paddy, how did you end the matter?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, by the nights of Shaint Patrick and help of my
+brogues, I both ended it and mended it, for the next night before that,
+I gave them leg bail for my fidelity, and went about the country a
+fortune-teller, dumb and deaf as I was not.
+
+_Tom._ How old was you, Paddy, when you was a soldier last?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear honey, I was three dozen all but two, and it is only
+two years since, so I want only four years of three dozen yet, and when,
+I live six dozen more, I'll be older than I am, I warrant you.
+
+_Tom._ O but, Paddy, by your account you are three dozen of years old
+already:
+
+_Teag._ O what for a big fool are you now, Tom, when you count the years
+I lay sick; which time I count no time at all.
+
+
+PADDY'S NEW CATECHISM.
+
+_Tom._ Of all the opinions professed in religion tell me now, Paddy, of
+what profession art thou?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, my religion was too weighty a matter to carry
+out of mine own country: I was afraid that you English Presbyterians
+should pluck it away from me.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, was your religion such a load that you could not
+carry it along with you?
+
+_Teag._ Yes, that it was, but I carried it always about with me when at
+home, my sweet cross upon my dear breast, bound to my dear button hole.
+
+_Tom._ And what manner of worship did you perform by that?
+
+_Teag._ Why, I adored the cross, the pope, and the priest, cursed Oliver
+as black as crow, and swears myself a cut throat against all Protestants
+and church of Englandmen.
+
+_Tom._ And what is the matter but you would be a church of Englandmen,
+or a Scotch Presbyterian yourself, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Because it is unnatural for an Irishman: but had Shaint Patrick
+been a Presbyterian, I had been the same.
+
+_Tom._ And for what reason would you be a Presbyterian then, Paddy?
+
+_Teag._ Because they have liberty to eat flesh in lent, and everything
+that's fit for the belly.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, are you such a lover of flesh that you would change
+your profession for it?
+
+_Teag._ O yes, that's what I would. I love flesh of all kinds, sheep's
+beef, swine's mutton, hare's flesh, and hen's venison; but our religion
+is one of the hungriest in all the world, ah! but it makes my teeth to
+weep, and my stomach to water, when I see the Scotch Presbyterians, and
+English churchmen, in time of lent, feeding upon bulls' and sheep's
+young children.
+
+_Tom._ What reward will you get when you are dead, for punishing your
+stomach so while you are alive?
+
+_Teag._ By Shaint Patrick I'll live like a king when I'm dead, for I
+will neither pay for meat nor drink.
+
+_Tom._ What, Paddy, do you think that you are to come alive again when
+you are dead?
+
+_Teag._ O yes, we that are true Roman Catholics will live a long time
+after we are dead; when we die in love with the priests, and the good
+people of our profession.
+
+_Tom._ And what assurance can your priest give you of that?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, our priest is a great shaint, a good shoul, who
+can repeat a paternoster and Ave Maria, which will fright the very
+horned devil himself, and make him run for it, until he be like to fall
+and break his neck.
+
+_Tom._ And what does he give you when you are dying? that makes you come
+alive again?
+
+_Teag._ Why, he writes a letter upon our tongues, sealed with a wafer,
+gives us a sacrament in our mouth, with a pardon, and direction in our
+right hand, who to call for at the ports of Purgatory.
+
+_Tom._ And what money design you to give the priest for your pardon?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, I wish I had first the money he would take for it, I
+would rather drink it myself, and then give him both my bill and my
+honest word, payable in the other world.
+
+_Tom._ And how then are you to get a passage to the other world, or who
+is to carry you there?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, Tom, you know nothing of the matter: for when I
+die, they will bury my body, flesh, blood, dirt, and bones, only my skin
+will be blown up full of wind and spirit, my dear shoul I mean; and then
+I will be blown over to the other world on the wings of the wind; and
+after that I'll never be killed, hanged, nor drowned, nor yet die in my
+bed, for when any hits me a blow, my new body will play buff upon it
+like a bladder.
+
+_Tom._ But what way will you go to the new world, or where is it?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, the priest knows where it is, but I do not, but
+the Pope of Rome keeps the outer-port, Shaint Patrick the inner-port,
+and gives us a direction of the way to Shaint Patrick's palace, which
+stands on the head of the Stalian loch, where I'll have no more to do
+but chap at the gate.
+
+_Tom._ What is the need for chapping at the gate, is it not always open?
+
+_Teag._ Dear shoy, you know little about it, for there is none can enter
+but red hot Irishmen, for when I call Allelieu, dear honey, Shaint
+Patrick countenance your own dear countryman if you will, then the gates
+will be opened directly for me, for he knows and loves an Irishman's
+voice, as he loves his own heart.
+
+_Tom._ And what entertainment will you get when you are in?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear, we are all kept there until a general review, which
+is commonly once in the week; and then we are drawn up like as many
+young recruits, and all the blackguard scoundrels is picked out of the
+ranks, and one half of them is sent away to the Elysian fields, to curry
+the weeds from among the potatoes, the other half of them to the River
+sticks, to catch fishes for Shaint Patrick's table, and them that is
+owing the priests any money is put in the black hole, and then given to
+the hands of a great black bitch of a devil, which is keeped for a
+hangman, who whips them up and down the smoky dungeon every morning for
+six months.
+
+_Tom._ Well, Paddy, are you to do as much justice to a Protestant as a
+Papist?
+
+_Teag._ O, my dear shoy, the most justice we are commanded to do a
+Protestant, is to whip and torment them until they confess themselves in
+the Romish faith; and then cut their throats that they may die
+believers.
+
+_Tom._ What business do you follow after at present?
+
+_Teag._ Arra, dear shoy, I am a mountain sailor and my supplication is
+as follows--
+
+
+ PADDY'S HUMBLE PETITION, OR SUPPLICATION.
+
+Good Christian people, behold me a man! who has com'd through a world of
+wonders, a hell full of hardships, dangers by sea, and dangers by land,
+and yet I am alive; you may see my hand crooked like a fowl's foot, and
+that is no wonder at all considering my sufferings and sorrows. Oh! oh!
+oh! good people. I was a man in my time who had plenty of the gold,
+plenty of the silver, plenty of the clothes, plenty of the butter, the
+beer, beef, and biscuit. And now I have nothing: being taken by the
+Turks and relieved by the Spaniards, lay sixty-six days at the siege of
+Gibraltar, and got nothing to eat but sea wreck and raw mussels; put to
+sea for our safety, cast upon the Barbarian coast, among the wicked
+Algerines, where we were taken and tied with tugs and tadders, horse
+locks, and cow chains: then cut and castcate yard and testicle quite
+away, put in your hand and feel how every female's made smooth by the
+sheer bone, where nothing is to be seen but what is natural. Then made
+our escape to the desart wild wilderness of Arabia; where we lived among
+the wild asses, upon wind, sand, and sapless ling. Afterwards put to sea
+in the hull of an old house, where we were tossed above and below the
+clouds, being driven through thickets and groves by fierce, coarse,
+calm, and contrary winds: at last, was cast upon Salisbury plains, where
+our vessel was dashed to pieces against a cabbage stock. And now my
+humble petition to you, good Christian people, is for one hundred of
+your beef, one hundred of your butter, another of your cheese, a cask of
+your biscuit, a tun of your beer, a keg of your rum, with a pipe of your
+wine, a lump of your gold, a piece of your silver, a few of your
+half-pence or farthings, a waught of your butter milk, a pair of your
+old breeches, stockings, or shoes, even a chaw of tobacco for charity's
+sake.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE HISTORY
+
+ OF
+
+ DICK WHITTINGTON
+
+ AND
+
+ HIS CAT.
+
+
+In the reign of the famous King Edward the Third, there was a little boy
+called Dick Whittington, whose father and mother died when he was very
+young, so that he remembered nothing at all about them, and was left a
+dirty little fellow running about a country village. As poor Dick was
+not old enough to work, he was in a sorry plight. He got but little for
+his dinner, and sometimes nothing at all for his breakfast, for the
+people who lived in the village were very poor themselves, and could
+spare him little more than the parings of potatoes, and now and then a
+hard crust.
+
+For all this, Dick Whittington was a very sharp boy, and was always
+listening to what every one talked about.
+
+On Sundays he never failed to get near the farmers, as they sat talking
+on the tombstones in the churchyard before the parson was come; and once
+a week you might be sure to see little Dick leaning against the
+sign-post of the village ale-house, where people stopped to drink as
+they came from the next market town; and whenever the barber's shopdoor
+was open Dick listened to all the news he told his customers.
+
+In this manner Dick heard of the great city called London; how the
+people who lived there were all fine gentlemen and ladies; that there
+were singing and music in it all day long; and that the streets were
+paved all over with gold.
+
+One day a waggoner, with a large waggon and eight horses, all with bells
+at their heads, drove through the village while Dick was lounging near
+his favourite sign-post. The thought immediately struck him that it must
+be going to the fine town of London; and taking courage he asked the
+waggoner to let him walk with him by the side of the waggon. The man,
+hearing from poor Dick that he had no parents, and seeing by his ragged
+condition that he could not be worse off, told him he might go if he
+would; so they set off together.
+
+Dick got safe to London; and so eager was he to see the fine streets,
+paved all over with gold that he ran as fast as his legs would carry him
+through several streets, expecting every moment to come to those that
+were all paved with gold, for Dick had three times seen a guinea in his
+own village, and observed what a great deal of money it brought in
+change; so he imagined he had only to take up some little bits of the
+pavement to have as much money as he desired.
+
+Poor Dick ran till he was tired, and at last, finding it grow dark, and
+that whichever way he turned he saw nothing but dirt instead of gold, he
+sat down in a dark corner and cried himself asleep.
+
+Little Dick remained all night in the streets; and next morning, finding
+himself very hungry, he got up and walked about, asking those he met to
+give him a halfpenny to keep him from starving; but nobody stayed to
+answer him, and only two or three gave him anything, so that the poor
+boy was soon in the most miserable condition. Being almost starved to
+death, he laid himself down at the door of one Mr. Fitzwarren, a great
+rich merchant. Here he was soon perceived by the cook-maid, who was an
+ill-tempered creature, and happened just then to be very busy dressing
+dinner for her master and mistress; so, seeing poor Dick, she called
+out, "What business have you there, you lazy rogue? There is nothing
+else but beggars; if you do not take yourself away, we will see how you
+will like a sousing of some dish water I have here that is hot enough to
+make you caper."
+
+Just at this time Mr. Fitzwarren himself came home from the city to
+dinner, and, seeing a dirty, ragged boy lying at the door, said to him,
+"Why do you lie there, my lad? You seem old enough to work. I fear you
+must be somewhat idle." "No, indeed, sir," says Whittington, "that is
+not true, for I would work with all my heart, but I know nobody, and I
+believe I am very sick for want of food."
+
+"Poor fellow!" answered Mr. Fitzwarren.
+
+Dick now tried to rise, but was obliged to lie down again, being too
+weak to stand, for he had not eaten anything for three days, and was no
+longer able to run about and beg a halfpenny of people in the streets;
+so the kind merchant ordered that he should be taken into his house, and
+have a good dinner immediately, and that he should be kept to do what
+dirty work he was able for the cook.
+
+Little Dick would have lived very happily in this worthy family had it
+not been for the crabbed cook, who was finding fault and scolding him
+from morning till night, and was withal so fond of roasting and basting
+that, when the spit was out of her hands, she would be at basting poor
+Dick's head and shoulders with a broom, or anything else that happened
+to fall in her way, till at last her ill-usage of him was told to Miss
+Alice, Mr. Fitzwarren's daughter, who asked the ill-tempered creature if
+she was not ashamed to use a little friendless boy so cruelly; and added
+she would certainly be turned away if she did not treat him with more
+kindness.
+
+But though the cook was so ill-tempered, Mr. Fitzwarren's footman was
+quite the contrary. He had lived in the family many years, was rather
+elderly, and had once a little boy of his own, who died when about the
+age of Whittington, so he could not but feel compassion for the poor
+boy.
+
+As the footman was very fond of reading, he used generally in the
+evening to entertain his fellow-servants, when they had done their work,
+with some amusing book. The pleasure our little hero took in hearing him
+made him very much desire to learn to read too; so the next time the
+good-natured footman gave him a halfpenny, he bought a hornbook with it;
+and, with a little of his help, Dick soon learned his letters, and
+afterwards to read.
+
+About this time Miss Alice was going out one morning for a walk, and the
+footman happening to be out of the way, little Dick, who had received
+from Mr. Fitzwarren a neat suit of clothes to go to church on Sundays,
+was ordered to put them on, and walk behind her. As they walked along,
+Miss Alice, seeing a poor woman with one child in her arms and another
+at her back, pulled out her purse, and gave her some money; and, as she
+was putting it again into her pocket, she dropped it on the ground, and
+walked on. Luckily Dick, who was behind, saw what she had done, picked
+it up, and immediately presented it to her.
+
+Besides the ill-humour of the cook, which now, however, was somewhat
+mended, Whittington had another hardship to get over. This was, that his
+bed, which was of flock, was placed in a garret, where there were so
+many holes in the floor and walls that he never went to bed without
+being awakened in his sleep by great numbers of rats and mice, which
+generally ran over his face, and made such a noise that he sometimes
+thought the walls were tumbling down about him.
+
+One day a gentleman who paid a visit to Mr. Fitzwarren happened to have
+dirtied his shoes, and begged they might be cleaned. Dick took great
+pains to make them shine, and the gentleman gave him a penny. This he
+resolved to lay out in buying a cat, if possible; and the next day,
+seeing a little girl with a cat under her arm, he went up to her, and
+asked if she would let him have it for a penny, to which the girl
+replied she would with all her heart, for her mother had more cats than
+she could maintain, adding that the one she had was an excellent mouser.
+
+This cat Whittington hid in the garret, always taking care to carry her
+a part of his dinner; and in a short time he had no further disturbance
+from the rats and mice, but slept as sound as a top.
+
+Soon after this the merchant, who had a ship ready to sail, richly
+laden, and thinking it but just that all his servants should have some
+chance for good luck as well as himself, called them into the parlour,
+and asked them what commodity they chose to send.
+
+All mentioned something they were willing to venture but poor
+Whittington, who, having no money nor goods, could send nothing at all,
+for which reason he did not come in with the rest; but Miss Alice,
+guessing what was the matter, ordered him to be called, and offered to
+lay down some money for him from her own purse; but this, the merchant
+observed, would not do, for it must be something of his own.
+
+Upon this, poor Dick said he had nothing but a cat, which he bought for
+a penny that was given him.
+
+"Fetch thy cat, boy," says Mr. Fitzwarren, "and let her go."
+
+Whittington brought poor puss, and delivered her to the captain with
+tears in his eyes, for he said, "He should now again be kept awake all
+night by the rats and mice."
+
+All the company laughed at the oddity of Whittington's adventure; and
+Miss Alice, who felt the greatest pity for the poor boy, gave him some
+half-pence to buy another cat.
+
+This, and several other marks of kindness shown him by Miss Alice, made
+the ill-tempered cook so jealous of the favours the poor boy received
+that she began to use him more cruelly than ever, and constantly made
+game of him for sending his cat to sea, asking him if he thought it
+would sell for as much money as would buy a halter.
+
+At last the unhappy little fellow, being unable to bear this treatment
+any longer, determined to run away from his place. He accordingly packed
+up the few things that belonged to him, and set out very early in the
+morning on Allhallow Day, which is the first of November. He travelled
+as far as Holloway, and there sat down on a stone, which to this day is
+called Whittington's Stone, and began to consider what course he should
+take.
+
+While he was thus thinking what he could do, Bow Bells, of which there
+were then only six, began to ring, and it seemed to him that their
+sounds addressed him in this manner--
+
+ "Turn again, Whittington,
+ Lord Mayor of London."
+
+"Lord Mayor of London!" says he to himself. "Why, to be sure, I would
+bear anything to be Lord Mayor of London, and ride in a fine coach!
+Well, I will go back, and think nothing of all the cuffing and scolding
+of old Cicely if I am at last to be Lord Mayor of London."
+
+So back went Dick, and got into the house, and set about his business
+before Cicely came down stairs.
+
+The ship, with the cat on board, was long beaten about at sea, and was
+at last driven by contrary winds on a part of the coast of Barbary,
+inhabited by Moors that were unknown to the English.
+
+The natives in this country came in great numbers, out of curiosity, to
+see the people on board, who were all of so different a colour from
+themselves, and treated them with great civility, and, as they became
+better acquainted, showed marks of eagerness to purchase the fine things
+with which the ship was laden.
+
+The captain, seeing this, sent patterns of the choicest articles he had
+to the king of the country, who was so much pleased with them that he
+sent for the captain and his chief mate to the palace. Here they were
+placed, as is the custom of the country, on rich carpets flowered with
+gold and silver; and, the king and queen being seated at the upper end
+of the room, dinner was brought in, which consisted of the greatest
+rarities. No sooner, however, were the dishes set before the company
+than an amazing number of rats and mice rushed in, and helped themselves
+plentifully from every dish, scattering pieces of flesh and gravy all
+about the room.
+
+The captain, extremely astonished, asked if these vermin were not very
+offensive.
+
+"Oh, yes," said they, "very offensive; and the king would give half his
+treasure to be free of them, for they not only destroy his dinner, but
+they disturb him even in his chamber, so that he is obliged to be
+watched while he sleeps."
+
+The captain, who was ready to jump for joy, remembering poor
+Whittington's hard case, and the cat he had entrusted to his care, told
+him he had a creature on board his ship that would kill them all.
+
+The king was still more overjoyed than the captain. "Bring this creature
+to me," says he; "and if she can really perform what you say I will load
+your ship with wedges of gold in exchange for her."
+
+Away flew the captain, while another dinner was providing, to the ship,
+and, taking puss under his arm, returned to the palace in time to see
+the table covered with rats and mice, and the second dinner in a fair
+way to meet with the same fate as the first.
+
+The cat, at sight of them, did not wait for bidding, but sprang from the
+captain's arms, and in a few moments laid the greatest part of the rats
+and mice dead at her feet, while the rest, in the greatest fright
+imaginable, scampered away to their holes.
+
+The king, having seen and considered of the wonderful exploits of Mrs.
+Puss, and being informed she would soon have young ones, which might in
+time destroy all the rats and mice in the country, bargained with the
+captain for his whole ship's cargo, and afterwards agreed to give a
+prodigious quantity of wedges of gold, of still greater value, for the
+cat, with which, after taking leave of their Majesties, and other great
+personages belonging to the court, he, with all his ship's company, set
+sail, with a fair wind, for England, and, after a happy voyage, arrived
+safely in the port of London.
+
+One morning Mr. Fitzwarren had just entered his counting-house, and was
+going to seat himself at the desk, when who should arrive but the
+captain and mate of the merchant ship, the Unicorn, just arrived from
+the coast of Barbary, and followed by several men, bringing with them a
+prodigious quantity of wedges of gold that had been paid by the King of
+Barbary in exchange for the merchandise, and also in exchange for Mrs.
+Puss. Mr. Fitzwarren, the instant he heard the news, ordered Whittington
+to be called, and, having desired him to be seated, said, "Mr.
+Whittington, most heartily do I rejoice in the news these gentlemen have
+brought you, for the captain has sold your cat to the King of Barbary,
+and brought you in return more riches than I possess in the whole world;
+and may you long enjoy them!"
+
+Mr. Fitzwarren then desired the men to open the immense treasures they
+had brought, and added that Mr. Whittington had now nothing to do but to
+put it in some place of safety.
+
+Poor Dick could scarce contain himself for joy. He begged his master to
+take what part of it he pleased, since to his kindness he was indebted
+for the whole. "No, no, this wealth is all your own, and justly so,"
+answered Mr. Fitzwarren; "and I have no doubt you will use it
+generously."
+
+Whittington, however, was too kind-hearted to keep all himself; and
+accordingly made a handsome present to the captain, the mate, and every
+one of the ship's company, and afterwards to his excellent friend the
+footman, and the rest of Mr. Fitzwarren's servants, not even excepting
+crabbed old Cicely.
+
+After this, Mr. Fitzwarren advised him to send for trades people, and
+get himself dressed as became a gentleman, and made him the offer of his
+house to live in till he could provide himself with a better.
+
+When Mr. Whittington's face was washed, his hair curled, his hat
+cocked, and he was dressed in a fashionable suit of clothes, he appeared
+as handsome and genteel as any young man who visited at Mr.
+Fitzwarren's; so that Miss Alice, who had formerly thought of him with
+compassion, now considered him as fit to be her lover; and the more so,
+no doubt, because Mr. Whittington was constantly thinking what he could
+do to oblige her, and making her the prettiest presents imaginable.
+
+Mr. Fitzwarren, perceiving their affection for each other, proposed to
+unite them in marriage, to which, without difficulty, they each
+consented; and accordingly a day for the wedding was soon fixed, and
+they were attended to church by the lord mayor, the court of aldermen,
+the sheriffs, and a great number of the wealthiest merchants in London;
+and the ceremony was succeeded by a most elegant entertainment and
+splendid ball.
+
+History tells us that the said Mr. Whittington and his lady lived in
+great splendour, and were very happy; that they had several children;
+that he was sheriff of London in the year 1340, and several times
+afterwards lord mayor; that in the last year of his mayoralty he
+entertained King Henry the Fifth on his return from the battle of
+Agincourt. And sometime afterwards, going with an address from the city
+on one of his Majesty's victories, he received the honour of knighthood.
+
+Sir Richard Whittington constantly fed great numbers of the poor. He
+built a church and college to it, with a yearly allowance to poor
+scholars, and near it erected an hospital.
+
+The effigy of Sir Richard Whittington was to be seen, with his cat in
+his arms, carved in stone, over the archway of the late prison of
+Newgate that went across Newgate Street.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ MAD PRANKS
+
+ OF
+
+ TOM TRAM,
+
+ SON IN LAW
+
+ TO
+
+ MOTHER WINTER.
+
+ TO WHICH ARE ADDED
+
+ HIS MERRY JESTS
+
+ AND
+
+ PLEASANT TALES.
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _A merry Jest betwixt old Mother Winter and her
+ Son-in-Law Tom._
+
+
+There was an old woman named Mother Winter that had but one son-in-law,
+and his name was Tom; and though he was at man's estate, yet would do
+nothing but what he listed, which grieved his old mother to the heart.
+Upon a time being in the market, she heard a proclamation, "That those
+that would not work should be whipped." At which the old woman leapt,
+and with great joy home she comes meets with her son, and tells him the
+mayor of the town had made a decree, which was, "That all those that
+would not work should be whipped." "Has he so," says he, "marry, my
+blessing on his heart; for my part, I'll not break the decree." So the
+old woman left her son, and went again to the market; she was no sooner
+gone but her son looks into the stone pots, which she kept small beer
+in; and when he saw that the beer did not work, he takes the pot, strips
+off his doublet, and with a carter's whip he lays on them as hard as he
+could drive. The people who saw him do it, told his mother what he had
+done; which made the old woman cry out, "O! that young knave will be
+hanged." So in that tone home she goes. Her son seeing her, came running
+and foaming at the mouth to meet her, and told her, that he had broke
+both the pots; which made the old woman to say, "O thou villain! what
+hast thou done?" "O mother," quoth he, "you told me it was proclaimed,
+'That all those that would not work must be whipped'; and I have often
+seen our pots work so hard, that they have foamed so much at the mouth,
+that they befouled all the house where they stood; but these two lazy
+knaves," said he, "told me, that they did never work, nor never meant to
+work; and therefore," quoth he, "I have whipped them to death, to teach
+the rest of their fellows to work, or never look me in the face again."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _Another Jest of old Mother Winter and her Son Tom._
+
+
+Upon a time Mother Winter sent her son Tom into the market to buy her a
+penny-worth of soap, and gave him twelvepence, and charged him to bring
+it home safe. Tom told her it should be so; and to that end it should be
+safe brought home, according to his mother's charge, he goes and buys a
+penny-worth of soap, and hired two men with a hand-barrow to carry the
+soap, and four men with brown bills to guard it along to her, giving
+them the elevenpence for their pains, which made his mother in great
+fury go to the mayor of the town, who committed him to prison. Now, the
+prison window joining close to the mayor's chamber window, Tom and some
+other merry prisoners like himself, getting a cup of good liquor in
+their heads, began to sing and roar and domineer, insomuch that the
+mayor heard them that night, and charged them they should leave off
+drinking and singing of loose songs, and sing good psalms. Tom told him
+that he should hear that he would amend his life if he would pardon his
+fault. The mayor said that for their misdemeanours, they should be that
+night in prison, and upon amendment, being neighbours, he would release
+them in the morning. They thanked the mayor, and Tom Tram prevailed so
+far with a friend of his that he borrowed three shillings; which three
+shillings he spent upon his fellow-prisoners, which made the poor men be
+ruled by him, and do what he enjoined them to do; so when the mayor was
+gone to bed, the prison window as before observed, being close to the
+chamber-window, they began to sing psalms so loud that the mayor could
+take no rest, which made him cause one of his servants forbid them leave
+off singing. Tom Tram said that it was the mayor's good counsel that
+they should sing psalms, and sing they would, as long as they lived
+three. Which made the mayor bid the jailer turn them out of prison,
+without paying their fees.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How Tom served his Hostess and a Tobacco Seller--being
+ another of his Jests._
+
+
+It happened that Tom was sent on an errand forty miles from his abode,
+over heaths and plains, where having dispatched his business, he chanced
+to be lodged in a room that opened into a yard, where his hostess kept
+many turkeys, which Tom seeing he thrusts pins into two of their heads
+and in the night they died. The woman in the morning wondered how the
+fowls should come to die. Tom persuaded her that there was a great
+sickness where he dwelt amongst all manner of fowls, and wished his
+hostess to fling them away, which she did. Tom watched where she flung
+them, and when he took his leave of his hostess, it was at such a time
+when she was busy setting bread into the oven, so that he was sure she
+could not look after him. So he goes and wraps the turkeys in his coat,
+and away he runs; but finding his two turkeys heavy, he sees a man that
+sold tobacco up and down the country at the foot of a hill, when he
+alighted to lead his horse down the hill, at the bottom of which he
+falls down, and lies crying as if he had broken one of his legs, and
+makes to the man a most piteous lamentation; that he was six or seven
+miles from any town, there being no house near; and that he was like to
+perish for want of succour. The man asked where he dwelt. He said with a
+knight, to whom Tom did live as a jester. The man knowing the knight,
+and thinking Tom's leg had really been broken, with much ado lifted him
+upon the horse. When Tom was mounted, he prayed the man to give him his
+master's turkeys. Tom made the horse to gallop away, crying out, "I
+shall be killed! I shall be killed! O my leg! What shall I do! O my
+leg!" The man seeing him gone, stood in amaze, and knew not what to
+think; nevertheless, he durst not leave his turkeys behind him, for fear
+of displeasing the knight, but carried them lugging along fretting and
+swearing in his boots, till he came to the next town, where he hired a
+horse to overtake Tom, but could not, until he came to the knight's
+house, where Tom stood to attend his coming, looking out at the window.
+When the man alighted, Tom then called to him so loud, that most of the
+house heard him. "O," said he, "now I see thou art an honest man, I had
+thought you had set me, upon your headstrong horse, on purpose to
+deceive me of my turkeys." The man replied, "A pox take you and your
+turkeys, for I never was played the knave with so in my life; I hope you
+will pay for the hire of the horse, which I was forced to borrow to
+follow you withal." "That I will," said Tom, "with all my heart."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _How Tom paid the Man for his Horse Hire._
+
+
+Tom asked the man what way he intended to travel. "Marry," said the man,
+"I must go back with the horse I have hired." Quoth Tom, "What did you
+give for the hire of him?" Said the man, "I gave five shillings."
+"Well," said Tom, "I will set you to the next public-house, and then we
+will eat one of the turkeys, and I will bring you in good silver the
+five shillings for the horse hire." The place appointed being two miles
+off, Tom appoints three or four of his companions to meet him, who did
+not fail, for they were there before Tom and his friend, who came riding
+upon the horses--Tom upon the hired horse, and the man upon his own. Tom
+alighted, and called the hostler to set up his horse, and to give him
+oats enough, and caused a turkey to be roasted with all possible haste,
+which, according as he commanded, was performed. But Tom whispered to
+his consorts, and wished them to ply the man with drink; while he, in
+the meantime, went to the host and told him they came to be merry, and
+money was short with him and desired he would lend him ten shillings
+upon his horse. The host having so good a pawn, lent it him, knowing it
+would be spent in his house. So Tom went and gave the man five shillings
+for the hire of the horse, and spends the other five shillings freely
+upon him. By that time the day was pretty nigh spent, so that the man
+could get no further that night, but Tom and his companions took their
+leaves and returned home, and the man went his way to bed little
+suspecting the trick Tom had put upon him. In the morning the man rising
+betimes, thinking to be gone, could have but one horse unless he paid
+ten shillings, for Tom had left word with his host, that paying the
+money he should have both horses. The man seeing himself cozened again
+by Tom, paid the ten shillings, and wished all such cheating knaves were
+hanged, away he went fretting and foaming to see himself abused.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _How Tom served a Company of Gentlemen._
+
+
+It happened that a company of gentlemen being disposed to create mirth,
+rode some miles from home to be merry. One of them would need have Tom
+to wait upon him, and Tom was as willing as he to be in that company,
+but as they were coming home, one of them cut the reins of Tom's bridle,
+so that when Tom mounted on his horse the reins broke, and the horse ran
+away with him in the midst of a great heath whereon stood a large
+gallows against which the horse stood, and rubbed his neck, so that the
+gentleman hooped and hallooed, and said, "Farewell, Tom, farewell." But
+Tom alighted from his horse, and made fast his reins, and with his sword
+cut three or four chips from off the gallows; and at the next tavern Tom
+met with them, where they jeer'd him not a little; but Tom very
+earnestly entreated them to forbear, yet the more he entreated them, the
+more they played upon him. But to be even with them, in the morning Tom
+calls the hostler, and sends him for nutmegs and ginger, and gets a
+grater, and when he had grated them he also grated the chips off the
+gallows, and mixed with the spice only a little nutmeg and ginger, he
+laid towards one end of the trencher for himself, and with a gallon of
+ale into the gentleman's chamber he goes, begging of them not to mock
+him any more with the gallows; and he would give them that ale and
+spice; and so, says he, "Gentlemen, I drink to you all." Now, as soon as
+he had drank, the hostler called him, as he gave him charge before so to
+do. Down stairs runs Tom as fast as he could. The gentlemen made all
+possible speed to drink up the ale and spice before he came up again,
+and that was what Tom desired. When he came again, seeing all the ale
+and spice gone, he says, "Gentlemen, will you know why my horse carried
+me to the gallows?" "Yes," says one of them. "Well," says Tom, "it was
+to fetch you some spice to your ale, and if you want, I have more for
+you:" and with that showed them the chips out of his pocket, and away he
+runs, leaving the gentlemen to look one upon another, studying how they
+should be revenged on him.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _How Tom rode a-Gossiping._
+
+
+Tom heard a company of women that would meet at the place a
+house-warming, to welcome one of the house. These women had formerly
+abused Tom, and now he thought to be even with them, so he goes to an
+apothecary's shop, buys a pound of purging comfits, and puts them in a
+cake with other spices, and dresses himself in women's apparel, and gets
+a horse and a pannel, and to the house he comes, knocks at the door, and
+asked the maid, whether there were any women come a house-warming? The
+maid said, "Not yet." "I pray," says Tom, "take this cake, and if I come
+not at the meeting, let them eat it and be merry, for I must go to a
+woman that is exceedingly unwell," and away he goes. The women came, and
+wondered what woman it should be that left the cake. Some of them
+supposed that it was some rich lady. They stayed a while and the person
+they expected to be with them not coming, they fell to their meat, and
+at last to the cake. But it was not long in their stomach before it
+began to work, so that all began vomiting, and were so sick, that they
+disordered the house. In which time Tom shifts himself into man's
+apparel, and with a staff in his hand came where his gossips were, and
+hearing them groaning all the house over, opened the door and asked them
+what was the matter? They answered they were all poisoned. "Marry,"
+quoth Tom, "I hope not; if you please to let me have a horse, I will
+ride to Mr. Doctor's and fetch an antidote to deaden the poison." "Take
+my horse," quoth one; "Take my horse," said another; "Or mine," said a
+third. "Well, well," said Tom, "I will take one." And into the stable he
+goes and takes three horses, and to the doctor's he rides, and told him
+that all the people in such a house had eaten something that had
+poisoned them; and prayed him that he would, without delay, carry them
+some medicines, and that they had sent a horse for him and another for
+his man. The doctor, greedy of money, hastened thither with his medicine
+bottles as fast as the horses could carry him and his man. But the
+doctor no sooner came into the house, but he saw there was no need of
+medicines. In the meantime Tom told not only all he met with, that there
+were such women met to be merry at such a place; and not only they, but
+all the women of the house were poisoned, but went likewise to their
+husbands, and told them the like, so that all the people thereabouts
+repaired thither, which made the women so ashamed that they knew not
+which way to look, because all that saw them judged they were drunk; so
+that instead of comforting them which they expected, they fell a
+reviling them. The women also fell to scolding among themselves, and
+would have fought, had not their husbands parted them, by carrying them
+home.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _How Tom, served a Company of Gypsies._
+
+
+It happened on a day, towards night, that there came a company of
+gypsies into a town, and had not very long been there till Tom met them,
+and asked them, "What they made there?" They said they came to town to
+tell the people their fortunes, that thereby they might understand
+ensuing dangers. "Aye," says Tom, "and where do you lie to-night?" They
+told him they could not tell. "Nay," said Tom, "if you will be contented
+to lie in straw, I will bring you where you may lie dry and warm." They
+thanked him, and told him they would tell him his fortune in the morning
+for nothing. Tom thanked them, and therefore conveys them into a little
+thatched house which had a ditch round about it, very close to the wall
+thereof. That house Tom helped them to fill with straw, and saw them
+take their lodging; and then, it being dark, Tom bade them good-night,
+and as soon as he was over the bridge, which was a plank, he drew it
+after him; and in the dead time of the night Tom gets a long pole, with
+a wasp of straw at the end of it, and sets the straw on fire, calling
+out to the rest of the fellows to shift for themselves; who, thinking to
+run over the bridge, fell into the ditch, crying and calling out for
+help, while, by Tom's means, most part of the town stood to see the
+jest; and as the gypsies waded through the ditch, they took them and
+carried them into a house, where there was a good fire, for it was in
+the midst of winter; where Tom counsels them that they should never make
+him believe that they could tell him anything, that did not know what
+danger should befall themselves. "But," says he, "because you cannot
+tell me my fortune, I will tell you yours. For to-morrow in the forenoon
+you shall be whipped for deceivers, and in the afternoon be hanged for
+setting the house on fire." The gypsies hearing this so strict sentence,
+made haste to dry themselves, and next morning stole out of town, and
+never came any more there.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _How Tom sold his Mother's Trevot, and cozened an
+ Acqua Vitæ Man that sold Hot Water._
+
+
+In a winter night, coming home very late, Tom Tram fell with his arms
+before him, and at the last run his nose against a post. "What," quoth
+Tom, "is my nose longer than my arms?" And afterwards he dropped into a
+well that was in the yard, and crying out, "Help, help." All is not well
+that is in the well. The neighbours came and pulled him out, and he
+dropped like a pig that had been roasted on a spit; but he was then in a
+cold condition, so he went to bed, and covered himself, but before
+morning Tom became unwell; and when some had discovered this, he told
+them that if he died of that sickness he should be buried by torchlight,
+because none should see him go to his grave. Just as he had said, in
+came a hot water man, of whom he requested to give him a sup, which
+having tasted, he feigned himself to be in a hot fever, and rose up in
+his clothes, ran away with the acqua vitæ man's bottle of hot water,
+and took his mother's trevot, and sold it for a long hawking pole, and a
+falconer's bag, which being tied to his side, and having drank up the
+poor man's hot water, he came reeling home with an owl upon his fist,
+saying, "It is gentlemanlike to be betwixt hawk and buzzard;" and he
+told the acqua vitæ man that he had sent the trevot, with three legs, to
+the next town to fill you bottles again.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _How he Hired himself to the Justice, and what Pranks
+ he played while with him._
+
+
+The justice at this time being without a man, and finding Tom to be a
+lively fellow, asked him if he would serve him. "Yes," quoth Tom, "for I
+am a great many miles from the country." As soon as they had agreed for
+wages, Tom was immediately entertained. But he had not lived long there
+before the justice and his family were obliged to go to London, leaving
+nobody at home but Tom. Now in the justice's absence, an officer brought
+a lusty young woman and a little man with a complaint. So they knocked
+at the door, and Tom let them in; then placing himself in his master's
+chair, he asked the woman what she had to say, who told him that the man
+whom she had brought before him ill-used her. "Adzooks," quoth Tom, "is
+it possible that such a little fellow as this could ill-use such a
+strapping dame as you." "Alas! sir," said she, "although he is little he
+is strong." "Well, little whipper-snapper," quoth Tom, "what do you say
+to this." He replied, "Like your worship it is false what she says. The
+truth is, I have been at sea, and coming ashore, where I received my
+pay, I met with this woman, and agreed with her for a pair of shoes for
+half a crown, and when they were put on, I pulled out my purse to pay
+her honestly what I had agreed for; but she seeing that I had a
+considerable sum of money, contrary to our bargain, would force me to
+give her ten shillings, and because I would not, but struck her as she
+deserved, she has brought me before your worship." "Have you got that
+purse of money?" quoth Tom. "Yes, sir," said the seaman. "Give it into
+my hand," said Tom. He receives it, and turning to the woman, said,
+"Here take it and get about your business." She replied, "I thank your
+worship, you are an honest good man, and have done me justice." The
+little seaman the meanwhile wrung his hands and bitterly cried out, "I
+am ruined, for it is every penny I had in the world." "Well," quoth Tom,
+"haste after her, and take it from her again." According to Tom's order
+he runs after her, and when he came after her, he said, "I must, and
+will have my purse again." Then she fell about his ears and cuffed him.
+Nay, this did not satisfy her, but she dragged him back again to Tom,
+who sat as justice, and told him that the fellow followed her for the
+purse, which he in justice gave her. "Well," said Tom, "and has he got
+it?" "No," said she, "I think not; before he should take it from me, I'd
+tear out both his eyes." "Let me see it again," says Tom. She gives it
+to him. "Is all the money in it?" quoth he. "Yes, sir," said she, "every
+penny." "Why then," said he, "here little whipper-snapper, take your
+purse again; and as for you Mrs. Impudence, had you kept your word as
+well as you did the money, I never had been troubled with this
+complaint. Here, Mr. Constable, give her a hundred lashes at the town's
+whipping post." Which was accordingly done, and Tom was applauded for
+his just proceedings.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ _How Tom used a Singing Man of a Cathedral Church
+ in the West._
+
+
+Once there was a cathedral singing man that had very much angered Tom,
+and had made songs and jests upon him, whereupon Tom got on his back an
+ox-hide, with the horns set upon his head, and so lay in a hedge bottom,
+waiting till the singing man came by, who he was sure must pass that
+way. At last name the singing man. Up started Tom out of the hedge
+bottom in his ox-hide, and followed him, the singing man cried out, "The
+devil! the devil!" "No," quoth Tom, "I am the ghost of goodman Johnson,
+living hard by the Church stile, unto whose house ye came and sung
+catches, and owes me five pounds for ale, therefore appoint me a day
+when ye will bring me my money hither, or else I will haunt thee still."
+The singing man promised that day se'enight, and accordingly he did; and
+Tom made himself brave clothes with the money, and sweethearts came
+about him as bees do about a honey pot. But Tom wore a rope in his
+pocket, and being asked if he would marry, he would pull it out, and
+laugh, saying, "I have broken my shins already, and will be wiser
+hereafter; for I am an old colt, and now may have as much wit as a
+horse."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XI.
+
+ _Of Tom Tram's wooing Cicily Summers, the neat Wench
+ of the West._
+
+
+Cicily Summers, whose nose was then as fair as the midnight sun, which
+shined as bright as Baconthine, was beloved of young Tom Tram; and a sad
+story to tell, he grew not worth the bread he ate, through pining away
+for her love. Tom was loath to speak but still whistled. At last, when
+Cicily made no answer, he burst out in thus:--"O Cicily Summers, if I
+Tom Tram, son of Mother Winter, and thou Cicily Summers be joined
+together what a quarter shall we keep, as big as three half years;
+besides Cicily Summers when thou scoldest, then Winter shall presently
+cool thy temper; and when we walk on the street they'll say yonder goes
+Summer and Winter; and our children, we shall call a generation of
+almanacks. So they went to the parson and were married; but they fell
+out so extremely that they scolded all the summer season; and Tom drank
+good ale, and told old tales all the winter time, and so they could
+never but thrive all the year through. Tom lived by good ale, and his
+wife by eating oat-meal; and when Tom went to be drunk in the morning,
+she put oat-meal in the ale, and made caudle with mustard instead of
+eggs, which bit Tom so by the nose, that it would run water; but the
+next day he would be drunk again."
+
+
+
+
+ TOM TRAM'S
+
+ MERRY TALES.
+
+ TALE I.
+
+ _Of a Scholar and a Tapster on a Winter Night._
+
+
+The tapster said, "Sir, will you go to bed." "No," quoth the scholar,
+"There are thieves abroad, and would not willingly be caught napping."
+So the tapster left him, and being gone, in came a spirit into the
+chamber, with his head under his arm so that he durst not stir, but
+cried out, "Help! help! fire! thieves! thieves!" "Oh," quoth he, "the
+devil was here and spoke to me with his head under his arm; but now I
+will go to bed, and if he comes again I will send him to the tapster, to
+help him to make false reckonings. It being a cold night," quoth he, "I
+will first put fire to toe, that is, I will warm my toes by the fire,
+then I'll go to bed." And so he did, and a great reckoning put the
+scholar out of his jest saying, "That was in earnest made too large a
+reckoning," he being but poor Sir John, of Oxford.
+
+
+ TALE II.
+
+Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a great nose; so
+a country man by him with a sack of corn, jostled him, saying, "Your
+nose stands in my way," whereupon the other fellow with the great nose,
+took his nose in his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, "A pox
+on thee, go and be hanged."
+
+
+ TALE III.
+
+Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country fellow on the
+highway, and would needs tell Tom his fortune. Amongst other things,
+they bade him assure himself that his worst misfortunes were past, and
+that he would not be troubled with crosses as he had been. So coming
+home, and having sold the cow at the market, he looked into his purse
+for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he found not so
+much as one cross in his purse; whereupon he remembered the words of the
+gypsies, and said that the gypsies had said true that he should not be
+troubled with crosses, and that they had picked his pocket, and left not
+a penny in his purse. Whereupon his wife basted and cudgelled him so
+soundly, that he began to perceive that a man that had a cursed wife
+should never be without a cross, though he had never a penny in his
+purse; and because it was winter-time, he sat a while by the fireside,
+and after went to bed supperless and penniless.
+
+
+ TALE IV.
+
+A farmer's wife in the west had three pigs, which she loved exceedingly
+well, and fed them with good butter milk and whey; but they would come
+running into the house and dirtied the rooms. Whereupon she resolved to
+sell them at the market, because they were better fed than taught, but
+afterwards they were stolen away from her; whereupon she supposed they
+were driven up to London to learn manners; "But," said she, "they were
+too old to learn to turn the spit in Bartholemew fair," and therefore
+believed some butchers had stolen them away.
+
+Her cock had a piece of cloth sewn about him, and was left upon the
+porch, but afterwards stolen; whereupon she said, that her cock was
+turned scholar in a black gown, and so she went to Oxford to a conjurer,
+to know what was become of her pigs and her cock. The scholar smiled,
+and told her the three pigs were blown home, and the cock was made a
+bachelor of arts in one of the colleges. "I thought so," said the woman,
+"for sure bachelors of arts are very coxcombs."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ A
+
+ YORK DIALOGUE
+
+ BETWEEN
+
+ NED AND HARRY:
+
+ OR
+
+ Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship
+ and Marriage State.
+
+
+_Ned._--Honest Harry, I am glad to see you. You're welcome to York.
+You're a great stranger. When came you to town?
+
+_Harry._--I came to your town last night, Ned, and am glad to see you. I
+inquired after you of my landlord, and he told me you was well, and had
+been married two or three years. I wish you much happiness; but how d'ye
+like matrimony?
+
+_Ned._--In good faith, Harry, scrubbing his shoulders, but so, so;
+however, I will not discourage you.
+
+_Harry._--But don't you remember, Ned, that you and I made an agreement
+that which of us two was married first, should tell one another of the
+way of courtship, and how he liked it and a married state.
+
+_Ned._--'Tis true we did so, Harry, but now I have not time to tell you,
+for it will take me more than two or three hours to give you a full
+account of both parts.
+
+_Harry._--What! are you in haste then, Ned? 'Tis a great while since I
+have seen you, and shan't we have one mug together?
+
+_Ned._--Faith, Harry, I'm loath to deny you; but if I go with you, I
+must send home to my wife, and let her know where I am.
+
+_Harry._--So you may Ned, and tell her you are with an old friend that
+would be glad to see her.
+
+_Ned._--Not a word of that, Harry, for if I go with you and stay any
+time, we shall have her company without sending for her.
+
+_Harry._--Say you so. Come then, let us go to Tom Swan's. Well, Ned, I
+am glad to see thee--ring the bell. Jenny, bring us a pint of your best
+ale. Come, Ned, sit down. And how long was it before you got your wife
+into the mind to marry; for if I speak to any of the female sex, they
+are so very coy, I can't tell what to make of them?
+
+_Ned._--That's very true. They are so, Harry, for when I spoke to my
+wife first, she was so very coy and huffish, and told me she did not
+know what I meant. She was not for marrying. She lived very well as she
+was, and if she should marry, she must then be confined to the humours
+of a husband.
+
+_Harry._--Well, but how then, Ned, tell me all.
+
+_Ned._--Faith I have not time now, Harry, for I must go home.
+
+_Harry._--Come, my service t'ye, Ned, I will have you be as good as your
+promise.
+
+_Ned._--Then if I must, I will stay a little longer and tell you. I told
+her I had as good a trade as any of my neighbours. Upon these words she
+was called away.
+
+_Harry._--How then, Ned?
+
+_Ned._--Faith I went home, but could not get her out of my mind. The
+next day I went again to see her, and took her by the hand, but she
+pulled it away with scorn, saying, "Pray don't banter me, for I know
+you men love to banter us silly women." Upon my faith, madam, said I, I
+am in good earnest, for a man of my trade must have both journeymen and
+prentices, therefore I cannot well be without a wife, and you are the
+only person I always thought would make me happy. Then I took her by the
+hand again, and with much ado got a kiss off her. "Pray be quiet," said
+she, "Goodness! what do you mean? you are so troublesome!" and looked
+very angry, and so left me.
+
+_Harry._--Very well, Ned, go on, this is vastly pleasant.
+
+_Ned._--That very kiss made me think of her, and love her more than ever
+I did, for after that kiss I was always wishing myself in her company,
+and was never at rest. The Sunday after, I saw her in the minster at
+prayers, and thought everything handsome and pretty about her--her face,
+her eyes, her mouth, her breast, her shape. I watched her coming out of
+the choir, and walked with her in the minster, and asked her if she
+would please to take a walk into the Groves, but she told me she was
+engaged. Believe me, Harry; I was so daft with that answer that my heart
+was fit to break with fear that she should love another better than
+myself. However, I went home with her. She told me she was engaged, and
+I need not trouble myself any further. Madam, said I, the first that
+ever I saw you, I was struck with the thought that you was the woman
+that was to make me a happy wife. "You men," said she, "say so to all
+women you meet with." "Truly, madam," said I, "what I say is really
+true, from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you will find it so." "You
+men always promise fair," said she, "before you are married, but when
+the job is over you seldom or never perform your promise." "Pray, try
+me, madam," said I, "for upon my word, you will find me always as good
+as I have said, by this kiss." "Fye," said she, "I swear I will never
+come into your company any more, if you will not let me stand quietly by
+you." Then I asked her again the favour to take a walk, for it was a
+fine evening, and would do her a great deal of good. She told me at
+last, she was to meet two or three of her acquaintances at seven o'clock
+in the Groves, just to take a turn or two and so come home again, so bid
+me good night.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I hope you went to the Groves to meet her, did you
+not?
+
+_Ned._--Yes, you may be assured I did, and within a quarter of an hour
+after I was there, my mistress came, but her friends were not with her,
+as good luck would have it.
+
+_Harry._--Were not you glad of that, Ned, though I dare swear, she knew
+of nobody to meet her at that time.
+
+_Ned._--Yes, faith, I was very glad of it; and when we had taken a turn
+or two, I asked her if she would go to the cheese-cake house, and with
+much ado I got her to consent to go.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, what discourse had you there?
+
+_Ned._--Why, faith, we were very merry. I called for some cheese-cakes,
+and a bottle of cider, and at last began to ask her about marrying me.
+She told me she heard I had a good trade, and did mind it now very well,
+but how I would mind it, if she should consent to marry me, was her
+fear. I told her she need never fear that, for marrying of her would be
+the only means to make me mind my business, if possible, more than I
+have done. I do assure you, Harry, that the servants which we call
+chamber-maids, stand as much upon their honour, as some of them will
+call it, in courting, as their mistress, nay, and more.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, I have observed that all along you have called her
+madam whenever you named her, but I hope it is not a custom here at
+York, to call your chamber-maids madam at every word.
+
+_Ned._--Yes, faith we do, and they themselves call one another so, for
+if there be five or six of them together at the parting with one
+another, you shall hear them take leave of one another with, "Madam,
+good-night to you," says one; "Madam, your servant," says another; "Pray
+my service to you know who"----'Tis very true, Harry.
+
+_Harry._--How could you ever expect Ned, that such an one would make you
+a good wife that minded nothing but her pride.
+
+_Ned._--Well, Harry, but you are mistaken, for some of them do make very
+good wives and are very good housewives too.
+
+_Harry._--How long were you a-courting her, before she gave consent to
+marry you?
+
+_Ned._--Why, about a year or more, and all that while I very little did
+mind myself for minding of her, for I was fain to watch her as a cat
+watcheth a mouse, for fear of a rival. At last I told her I hoped now
+she would consent to marry me, if not, to tell me so, for it was a great
+loss to me to lose my time so day after day. Upon these words she told
+me she thought I was in earnest, but she did not much like the house I
+lived in. I told her it was a very pretty house, and I should be glad to
+see her in it. Upon this she smiled and gave me her consent.
+
+_Harry._--Was you asked in the church, Ned, or had you a license?
+
+_Ned._--I went on purpose to ask her that question, and she told me she
+was a gentlewoman born, and did not care to be asked in the church, for,
+she said, there was nobody asked in the church but cook-maids and
+kitchen-maids, so it cost me about twenty shillings for a license. Well,
+married we were, and very merry were we that day.
+
+_Harry._--But now, Ned, in the second place, come tell me how you and
+your wife agree together, for I think it is said your York wives will be
+masters of their husbands in less than a year's time if possible they
+can. Well then, Ned, I do suppose it is with you as with most of your
+neighbours, your wife is the master?
+
+_Ned._--Faith, Harry, not much matter (scratching his head), but I doubt
+she'll come and find us together, and then there will be----
+
+_Harry._--What then, Ned, let her come, I have a mug or two at her
+service and shall be glad to see her.
+
+_Ned._--So shall not I, Harry.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, how can she be angry with you when she sees you with
+an old acquaintance you have not seen for two or three years?
+
+_Ned._--That's nothing.
+
+_Harry._--What, Ned, do not you agree then really, and has been married
+but three years. Suppose she should come, what would or could she say to
+you?
+
+_Ned._--Dear Harry, do not desire me to tell you, for if I would, and if
+you should happen to tell it again, and it should come to her ears that
+it was I told you, I might as well run my country as stay at home.
+
+_Harry._--Ned, my service to you, upon my honour, as the gentleman says,
+I will never say anything of it to anybody.
+
+_Ned._--Well then, Harry, if I be out at any time, as now with you, when
+I go home, as soon as I get within doors she'll begin with a pretty tone
+she has learned off her neighbours.
+
+"Oh! brave sir! You are a fine husband, you mind your business and shop,
+as you promised me before we were married: do you not, you drunken dog?
+you rogue, you rascal, where have you been these six hours (though it
+were but three), sirrah, give me account where you have been."
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, do you give her an account where you were, or what
+answer do you make her?
+
+_Ned._--All that I say to her is, "Pray, my dear, be not in such a
+passion, for I was with an old friend that I have not seen two or three
+years." "A pox on your old friend," says she, "and you too must go and
+fill your belly with good meat and drink, and I and my poor children
+starve at home, with only a little bread and cheese. A curse on the
+first day I saw you."
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, I hope your circumstances are not so low in the
+world, but that you can afford your wife pretty well to keep house with.
+
+_Ned._--Why, Harry, there's hardly a day but we have a joint of meat,
+either boiled or roasted, and I am sure she never wants for good bread,
+cheese, eggs, and butter.
+
+_Harry._--Pray, Ned, what does she do towards maintaining your house,
+does she endeavour any ways to get a penny? What portion had you with
+her?
+
+_Ned._--Harry, never marry a chamber-maid, for they bring nothing with
+them but a few old clothes of their mistresses, and for house-keeping,
+few of them know anything of it; for they can hardly make a pudding or a
+pie, neither can they spin, nor knit, nor wash, except it be a few laces
+to make themselves fine withal.
+
+_Harry._--What would she be at?
+
+_Ned_--Why always a-gossiping, there is such a company of them in our
+street that there's never a day but some or other of them meet together.
+
+_Harry._--Where do they meet?
+
+_Ned._--Where the best country ale is.
+
+_Harry._--What, do they make a sitting of it when they meet?
+
+_Ned._--A sitting of it; yes, yes, they will sit from three till ten at
+night, and drink like fishes, and talk against their husbands.
+
+_Harry._--What do you say when she comes home? Do you not ask her where
+she has been that she stayed so late?
+
+_Ned._--I dare not say one word to her, but am glad she will let me go
+to bed and sleep quietly.
+
+_Harry._--What becomes of your children those days; who looks after them
+all this while?
+
+_Ned._--Nobody but a silly maid she hired who can do nothing; I am fain
+as well as I can, to boil them their milk for their suppers and help to
+get them to bed.
+
+_Harry._--Does not she ask when she comes home how her children do, and
+who gave them their suppers and got them to bed?
+
+_Ned._--Never, never, Harry, but perhaps the next morning will get them
+up herself, and put them on, poor things, the same linen they had on
+three days before.
+
+_Harry._--How do you allow your wife? do you allow her so much a week?
+how gets she the money to spare for gossiping?
+
+_Ned._--Why, she watches me; and if I sell anything in the shop, then
+she comes to me and tells me, such a child wants this, and such a one
+that, so I am fain to give her money for quietness' sake.
+
+_Harry._--Why, Ned, she makes a mere fool of you.
+
+_Ned._--'Tis not my case alone, Harry, for most of my neighbours have
+not much better wives, for the better sort they say, love carding and
+gossiping and cold tea.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I think you have almost satisfied me, and I promise
+you for your sake I will never marry any one of that sort called
+chamber-maids.
+
+_Ned._--If ever you marry, Harry, marry one that's bred up in business,
+I mean one that knows how to look after her house? and as you endeavour
+to get a penny in your way she will endeavour to get another in hers,
+such a one will make both you and herself happy.
+
+_Harry._--Pray then, Ned, what can your wife or any other man's wife say
+against her husband if he takes all the pains, as you say you do, to
+maintain her and her children handsomely?
+
+_Ned._--I know not but I hear this is their way. If any new married wife
+come among them; first she must pay for her admittance, then presently
+after, some of them will begin, "Neighbour, your good health;" another,
+"Neighbour I wish you health and happiness;" another, "Pray neighbour,
+what kind of a humoured man is your husband?" another, "Is he kind to
+you?" another, "Does he allow you as he should do? If he does not,
+neighbour, let us know, and we will tell you how to manage him I warrant
+you."
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, I pity thee, with all my heart, and all them that
+have such wives; but now you must make the best of it, and live as
+quietly as you can.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, I must so. Well, come, let's know what's to pay. I have
+stayed too long, so I am sure of a lecture when I go home.
+
+_Harry._--Come, Ned, I treat you this time because I invited you, it may
+be you will find your wife in a better humour than you think of.
+
+_Ned._--I wish I may, Harry. I am sure of it that it shall make me stay
+at home and mind my business a great deal better than I have done of
+late.
+
+_Harry._--How many children have you, Ned?
+
+_Ned._--Two boys, and I believe another coming.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, she cannot complain of the smallness of her family.
+
+_Ned._--Well, Harry, I must take my leave of you, and I thank you for
+me, and if you do not go out of town to-morrow, I hope I shall see you
+again; there is a great deal more in a married state than I have told
+you of, that is all charges to the husband, the sickening-day, the
+week-day, the christening-day, three-week-day, the churching-day; all
+these days they have their meetings and discourses, which would take
+half a day to tell them all; and if the husband be not there to wait
+upon them on those days, some of them will say, "Neighbour, where is
+your husband? he should be here to wait on us." "If my husband, should
+serve me so," says another, "when I lie in, odds had." A third will say,
+"Indeed, neighbour, you give your husband too much liberty, more than I
+would do." So, Harry, when I go home she falls a-telling me what such a
+one and such a one, and all the company said of me, for my not being
+there to wait upon them.
+
+_Harry._--Well, Ned, thou has satisfied me very well, and for thy sake
+will never marry a chamber-maid. Come, ring the bell, we'll see what
+there's to pay, and should be glad of your company longer, if it stand
+to your conveniency.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, I thank you, but home I must go now.
+
+_Harry._--Jenny, what's to pay? "One shilling sir."--Ned, good-night to
+you, my service to your spouse; and if I stay to-morrow, I'll come and
+see you and her.
+
+_Ned._--Harry, good night to you, I thank you for me, and I shall be
+glad to see you to-morrow; but whether my wife will or no I cannot tell,
+for I doubt I will find her but so-and-so in her humour.
+
+_Harry._--Good-night to you, Ned, thank you for your good company; it
+has been very pleasant, and I hope you will find all things easy and
+quiet at home.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ DANIEL O'ROURKE'S
+
+ WONDERFUL
+
+ VOYAGE TO THE MOON.
+
+
+People may have heard of the renowned adventures of Daniel O'Rourke, but
+how few are there who know that the cause of all his perils, above and
+below, was neither more nor less than his having slept under the walls
+of the Phooka's tower.
+
+"I am often axed to tell it, sir," said he, "so that this is not the
+first time. The master's son, you see, had come from beyond foreign
+parts in France and Spain, as young gentlemen used to go, before
+Buonaparte or any such was heard of; and, sure enough, there was a
+dinner given to all the people on the ground, gentle and simple, high
+and low, rich and poor. The ould gentlemen were the gentlemen after all,
+saving your honour's presence. They'd swear at a body a little, to be
+sure, and maybe give one a cut of a whip now and then, but we were no
+losers by it in the end;--and they were so easy and civil, and kept such
+rattling houses, and thousands of welcomes; and there was no grinding
+for rent, and few agents; and there was hardly a tenant on the estate
+that did not taste of his landlord's bounty often and often in the
+year;--but now it's another thing; no matter for that, sir, for I'd
+better be telling you my story.
+
+"Well, we had everything of the best, and plenty of it; and we ate, and
+we drank, and we danced, and the young master, by the same token, danced
+with Peggy Barry from Bothereen--a lovely young couple they were, though
+they are both long enough now. To make a long story short, I got, as a
+body may say, the same thing as tipsy almost, for I can't remember ever
+at all, no ways, how I left the place; only I did leave it, that's
+certain. Well, I thought, for all that, in myself, I'd just step to
+Molly Cronohan's, the fairy woman, to speak a word about the bracket
+heifer that was bewitched; and so as I was crossing the stepping stones
+at the ford of Ballyashenogh, and was looking up at the stars, and
+blessing myself--for why? it was Lady-day--I missed my foot, and souse I
+fell into the water. 'Death alive!' thought I, 'I'll be drowned now!'
+However, I began swimming, swimming, swimming away for the dear life,
+till at last I got ashore, somehow or other, but never the one of me can
+tell how, upon a dissolute island.
+
+"I wandered and wandered about there, without knowing where I wandered,
+until at last I got into a big bog. The moon was shining as bright as
+day, or your fair lady's eyes, sir (with your pardon for mentioning
+her), and I looked east and west, and north and south, and every way,
+and nothing did I see but bog, bog, bog. I could never find out how I
+got into it, and my heart grew cold with fear, for sure and certain I
+was that it would be my barrin place. So I sat down upon a stone which,
+as good luck would have it, was close by me, and I began to scratch my
+head and sing the Ullagon, when all of a sudden the moon grew black, and
+I looked up, and saw something for all the world as if it was moving
+down between me and it, and I could not tell what it was. Down it came
+with a pounce, and looked at me full in the face. And what was it but an
+eagle--as fine a one as ever flew from the kingdom of Kerry. So he
+looked at me in the face, and says he to me, 'Daniel O'Rourke,' says he,
+'how do you do?' 'Very well, I thank you, sir,' says I; 'I hope you're
+well,' wondering out of my senses all the time how an eagle came to
+speak like a Christian. 'What brings you here, Dan?' says he. 'Nothing
+at all, sir,' says I; 'only I wish I was safe home again.' 'Is it out of
+the island you want to go, Dan?' says he. ''Tis, sir,' says I; so I up
+and told him how I had taken a drop too much, and fell into the water;
+how I swam to the island; and how I got into the bog and did not know my
+way out of it. 'Dan,' says he, after a minute's thought, 'though it is
+very improper for you to get drunk on Lady-day, yet, as you are a decent
+sober man, who tends mass well, and never flings stones at me or mine,
+nor cries out after us in the fields--my life for yours,' says he; 'so
+get up on my back, and grip me well for fear you'd fall off, and I'll
+fly you out of the bog.' 'I am afraid,' says I, 'your honour's making
+game of me; for who ever heard of riding a-horseback on an eagle
+before?' ''Pon the honour of a gentleman,' says he, putting his right
+foot on his breast, 'I am quite in earnest; and so, now, either take my
+offer or starve in the bog; besides, I see that your weight is sinking
+the stone.'
+
+"It was true enough as he said, for I found the stone every minute going
+from under me. I had no choice; so thinks I to myself, faint heart never
+won fair lady, and this is fair persuadance. 'I thank your honour,' says
+I, 'for the load of your civility, and I'll take your kind offer.' I
+therefore mounted upon the back of the eagle, and held him tight enough
+by the throat, and up he flew in the air like a lark. Little I knew the
+trick he was going to serve me. Up--up--up--God knows how far up he
+flew. 'Why, then,' said I to him, thinking he did not know the right
+road home, very civilly--because why? I was in his power
+entirely--'sir,' says I, 'please your honour's glory, and with humble
+submission to your better judgment, if you'd fly down a bit, you're now
+just over my cabin, and I could be put down there, and many thanks to
+your worship.'
+
+"'Arrah, Dan,' said he, 'do you think me a fool? Look down in the next
+field, and don't you see two men and a gun? By my word it would be no
+joke to be shot this way, to oblige a drunken blackguard that I picked
+up off a could stone in a bog." 'Bother you,' said I to myself, but I
+did not speak out, for where was the use? Well, sir, up he kept flying,
+flying, and I asking him every minute to fly down, and all to no use.
+'Where in the world are you going, sir?' says I to him. 'Hold your
+tongue, Dan,' says he; 'mind your own business, and don't be interfering
+with the business of other people.' 'Faith, this is my business, I
+think,' says I. 'Be quiet, Dan,' says he; so I said no more.
+
+"At last, where should we come to but to the moon itself. Now, you can't
+see it from this; but there is, or there was in my time, a reaping-hook
+sticking out of the side of the moon, this way (drawing the figure on
+the ground with the end of his stick).
+
+"'Dan,' said the eagle, 'I'm tired with this long fly; I had no notion
+'twas so far.' 'And, my lord, sir,' said I, 'who in the world axed you
+to fly so far--was it I? Did not I beg, and pray, and beseech you to
+stop half an hour ago?' 'There's no use talking, Dan,' said he; 'I'm
+tired bad enough, so you must get off, and sit down on the moon until I
+rest myself.' 'Is it sit down on the moon?' said I. 'Is it upon that
+little round thing, then? Why, then, sure I'd fall off in a minute, and
+be kilt and split, and smashed all to bits; you are a vile deceiver, so
+you are.' 'Not at all, Dan,' said he; 'you can catch fast hold of the
+reaping-hook that's sticking out of the side of the moon, and 'twill
+keep you up.' 'I won't, then,' said I. 'Maybe not,' said he, quite
+quiet. 'If you don't, my man, I shall just give you a shake, and one
+slap of my wing, and send you down to the ground, where every bone of
+your body will be smashed as small as a drop of dew on a cabbage-leaf in
+the morning.' 'Why, then, I'm in a fine way,' said I to myself, 'ever to
+have come alone with the likes of you;' and so, giving him a hearty
+curse in Irish, for fear he'd know what I said, I got off his back with
+a heavy heart, took hold of the reaping-hook, and sat down upon the
+moon; and a mighty cold seat it was, I can tell you that.
+
+"When he had me there fairly landed, he turned about on me, and said,
+'Good morning to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he; 'I think I've nicked
+you fairly now. You robbed my nest last year ('twas true enough for him,
+but how he found it out is hard to say), and in return you are freely
+welcome to cool your heels dangling upon the moon like a cockthrow.'
+
+"'Is that all, and is this the way you leave me, you brute, you?' says
+I. 'You ugly unnatural baste, and is this the way you serve me at last?
+Bad luck to yourself, with your hooked nose, and to all your breed, you
+blackguard.' 'Twas all to no manner of use; he spread out his great big
+wings, burst out a-laughing, and flew away like lightning. I bawled
+after him to stop, but I might have called and bawled for ever without
+his minding me. Away he went, and I never saw him from that day to this.
+Sorrow fly away with him! You may be sure I was in a disconsolate
+condition, and kept roaring out for the bare grief, when all at once a
+door opened right in the middle of the moon, creaking on its hinges as
+if it had not been opened for a month before. I suppose they never
+thought of greasing 'em; and out there walks, who do you think, but the
+man in the moon himself. I knew him by his busk.
+
+"'Good morrow to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he. 'How do you do?' 'Very
+well, thank your honour,' said I. 'I hope your honour's well.' 'What
+brought you here, Dan?' said he. So I told him how I was a little
+overtaken in liquor at the master's, and how I was cast on a dissolute
+island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how the thief of an eagle
+promised to fly me out of it, and how, instead of that, he had fled me
+up to the moon.
+
+"'Dan,' said the man in the moon, taking a pinch of snuff when I was
+done, 'you must not stay here.' 'Indeed, sir,' says I, ''tis much
+against my will I'm here at all; but how am I to go back?' 'That's your
+business,' said he, 'Dan; mine is to tell you that here you must not
+stay, so be off in less than no time.' 'I'm doing no harm,' says I,
+'only holding on hard by the reaping-hook lest I fall off.' 'That's what
+you must not do, Dan,' says he. 'Pray, sir,' says I, 'may I ask how many
+you are in family, that you would not give a poor traveller lodgings?
+I'm sure 'tis not so often you're troubled with strangers coming to see
+you, for 'tis a long way.' 'I'm by myself, Dan,' says he; 'but you'd
+better let go the reaping-hook.' 'Faith, and with your leave,' says I,
+'I'll not let go the grip; and the more you bids me, the more I won't
+let go, so I will.' 'You had better, Dan,' says he again. 'Why, then, my
+little fellow,' says I, taking the whole weight of him with my eye from
+head to foot, 'there are two words to that bargain; and I'll not budge,
+but you may if you like.' 'We'll see how that is to be,' says he; and
+back he went, giving the door such a great bang after him (for it was
+plain he was huffed) that I thought the moon and all would fall down
+with it.
+
+"Well, I was preparing myself to try strength with him, when back again
+he comes with the kitchen cleaver in his hand, and, without saying a
+word, he gives two bangs to the handle of the reaping-hook that was
+keeping me up, and whap! it came in two. 'Good morning to you, Dan,'
+says the spiteful little old blackguard, when he saw me cleanly falling
+down with a bit of the handle in my hand, 'I thank you for your visit,
+and fair weather after you, Daniel.' I had no time to make any answer to
+him, for I was tumbling over and over, and rolling and rolling at the
+rate of a fox-hunt. 'God help me,' says I, 'but this is a pretty pickle
+for a decent man to be seen in at this time of night; I am now sold
+fairly.' The word was not out of my mouth when whiz! what should fly by
+close to my ear but a flock of wild geese, all the way from my own bog
+of Ballyashenogh, else how should they know me? The ould gander, who was
+their general, turning about his head, cried out to me, 'Is that you,
+Dan?' 'The same,' said I, not a bit daunted now at what he said, for I
+was by this time used to all kinds of bedevilment, and, besides, I knew
+him of ould. 'Good morrow to you,' says he, 'Daniel O'Rourke. How are
+you in health this morning?' 'Very well, sir,' says I; 'I thank you
+kindly,' drawing my breath, for I was mightily in want of some. 'I hope
+your honour's the same.' 'I think 'tis falling you are, Daniel,' says
+he. 'You may say that, sir,' says I. 'And where are you going all the
+way so fast?' said the gander. So I told him how I had taken the drop,
+and how I came on the island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how
+the thief of an eagle flew me up to the moon, and how the man in the
+moon turned me out. 'Dan,' said he, 'I'll save you; put your hand out
+and catch me by the leg, and I'll fly you home.' 'Sweet is your hand in
+a pitcher of honey, my jewel,' says I, though all the time I thought in
+myself that I don't much trust you; but there was no help, so I caught
+the gander by the leg, and away I and the other geese flew after him as
+fast as hops.
+
+"We flew, and we flew, and we flew, until we came right over the wide
+ocean. I knew it well, for I saw Cape Clear to my right hand, sticking
+up out of the water. 'Ah! my lord,' said I to the goose--for I thought
+it best to keep a civil tongue in my head any way--'fly to land, if you
+please.' 'It is impossible, you see, Dan,' said he, 'for a while,
+because, you see, we are going to Arabia.' 'To Arabia!' said I; 'that's
+surely some place in foreign parts, far away. Oh! Mr. Goose, why, then,
+to be sure, I'm a man to be pitied among you.' 'Whist, whist, you fool,'
+said he; 'hold your tongue. I tell you Arabia is a very decent sort of
+place, as like West Carbery as one egg is like another, only there is a
+little more sand there.'
+
+"Just as we were talking a ship hove in sight, scudding so beautiful
+before the wind. 'Ah! then, sir,' said I, 'will you drop me on the ship,
+if you please?' 'We are not fair over it,' said he. 'We are,' said I.
+'We are not,' said he; 'if I dropped you now, you would go splash into
+the sea.' 'I would not,' says I; 'I know better than that, for it is
+just clean under us, so let me drop now at once.'
+
+"'If you must, you must,' said he. 'There, take your own way;' and he
+opened his claw, and faith he was right,--sure enough, I came down plump
+into the very bottom of the salt sea! Down to the very bottom I went,
+and I gave myself up then for ever, when a whale walked up to me,
+scratching himself after his night's rest, and looked me full in the
+face, and never the word did he say; but lifting up his tail, he
+splashed me all over again with the cold salt water, till there wasn't a
+dry stitch upon my whole carcase; and I heard somebody saying--'twas a
+voice I knew too--'Get up, you drunken brute, out of that,' and with
+that I woke up, and there was Judy with a tub full of water, which she
+was splashing all over me; for, rest her soul! though she was a good
+wife, she never could bear to see me in drink, and had a bitter hand of
+her own.
+
+"'Get up,' said she again; 'and of all places in the parish, would no
+place sarve your turn to lie down upon but under the ould walls of
+Carrigaphooka? An uneasy resting I am sure you had of it.' And sure
+enough I had; for I was fairly bothered out of my senses with eagles,
+and men of the moons, and flying ganders, and whales, driving me through
+bogs, and up to the moon, and down to the bottom of the great ocean. If
+I was in drink ten times over, long would it be before I'd lie down in
+the same spot again, I know that."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET
+
+ NEWLY BROKE OPEN;
+
+ CONTAINING
+
+ RARE SECRETS OF NATURE AND ART,
+
+ TRIED AND EXPERIENCED
+
+ BY LEARNED PHILOSOPHERS,
+
+ And recommended to all ingenious young men and maids,
+ teaching them, in a natural way, how to get good wives
+ and husbands.
+
+ Approved by several that have made trial of them; it being
+ the product of forty-nine years' study.
+
+ _By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King, a lover
+ of Mirth, but a hater of Treason._
+
+ IN TWO PARTS.
+
+ PART I.
+
+
+Reading over many ancient Histories, it was my chance to meet with this
+story of an old woman who lived in the west, who took delight in
+studying her fortune. When she found herself full twenty years old, she
+thought her luck worse than some who were married at fifteen or sixteen,
+which much troubled her mind; but to prevent all doubts she resolved to
+try a story she had often heard her mother talk of, and, finding it
+true, she resolved to teach other maidens.
+
+On a time, this old woman having newly buried her husband, was taking a
+walk in the fields, for the benefit of the air, sometimes thinking of
+the loss of her husbands, for she had had three, yet had a great desire
+for the fourth. So it happened, as she was walking alone, she espied a
+young maiden by the meadow-side. "Good morrow, maid," said the old
+woman, "how do you do? are not you well?" "Yes, mother, I am very well,
+but somewhat troubled in mind." "What is it troubles you so much? If I
+can, I will willingly relieve you, therefore be not ashamed to tell the
+truth. Is it anything of great concern?" "Indeed, mother, seeing you
+urge me so much, I will tell you the truth. We are three sisters, the
+youngest was married about a year ago, the middlemost last week, and I
+am the eldest, and no man heeds me." "Well, daughter, if this be all, I
+believe I can assist thee, for when I was young I was in the same
+condition, and with reading some histories, found out the art to know
+him that should be my husband, which, if you will keep my counsel, I am
+ready to teach thee." "I will, truly, and if you will do so much for me,
+I shall think myself much obliged to you; and, if my fortune proves
+right, I will make you amends."
+
+"Why, then, I will tell you, in the first place, you must observe St.
+Agnes' day, which is the 21st of January, and on that day let no man
+speak to thee, and at night, when thou liest down lay thy right hand
+under thy head, and say these words, 'Now the God of hope let me dream
+of my love'; then go to sleep as soon as possible, and you shall be sure
+to dream of him who will be your husband, and see him stand before you,
+and may take notice of him and his complexion; and if he offer to salute
+thee honourably, do not deny him, but show him as much favour as thou
+canst; but if he offers to be uncivil, be sure to send him away. And
+now, daughter, the counsel I have given you, be sure to tell nobody. So,
+fare you well, till I see you again."
+
+"I give you thanks for your advice; but one thing more I have to say,
+What is your name? and where do you live?" "I will tell you, daughter;
+my name is Mother Bunch, and I live at a place called Bonadventure,
+where, if you come, I will make you welcome."
+
+Now Mother Bunch having departed from the maid, she met another pretty
+girl. "Good morrow, Mother Bunch." "Good morrow, pretty maid, whither
+are you going this morning? Methinks you are very fine to-day." "Fine!
+Mother Bunch, you do not think so." "Nay, I cannot discommend you; for
+such a brisk maid as you should go handsome, or you will never get a
+sweetheart, though you think the time long." "No, no, mother, I am too
+young." "How old are you?" "I am eighteen." "Eighteen! then I know thou
+thinkest thou hast stayed long enough, and wouldest as willingly have a
+husband as another." "Aye, Mother Bunch, but good husbands are hard to
+find, especially for me, who have no skill in choosing, or else it may
+be I would be glad of a good husband." "Be sure to take my advice: be
+wise in choosing, that is to say, take no one that has got a red head,
+for be sure he loveth a smock so well that he will scarce let his wife
+have a good one to her back; nor of yellow hair, as he is inclinable to
+be jealous; nor a black man, for he is dogged." "Aye, but mother, if I
+must not have yellow, black, nor red, what colour must I take?" "Why,
+daughter, I tell you, if he is jealous, you will be annoyed by his
+speeches, for how can a young woman forbear when she is always provoked?
+And be sure, if he is jealous of thee thou mayest well be so of him; for
+evil people and thieves think ill of each other. But hold a little, one
+thing more I have to say to you, and that is, to take notice of thy
+sweethearts when they come a-wooing to thee, I mean of their civil
+behaviour; for if they swear, vow, and make great protestations, then
+have a care of thyself, for many words breed dissimulation; therefore
+have a care of such: but if a man come to thee that is sober and civil
+behaved, there are hopes of his proving a good man." "Now, mother, I
+will take my leave of you, giving you many thanks for your good advice;
+and so, farewell, till I see you again, and I intend to take this
+counsel."
+
+Another time Mother Bunch was in a little meadow, not far from her
+house, on the 30th of April, before sunrising. A handsome maid, seeing
+her alone, came to her, and said, "Mother Bunch, good morrow, how do you
+do? Pray, what makes you abroad so early in the morning? You seem to be
+in a deep study." "Daughter, you say very true; I am studying who shall
+be my next husband, and if thou wilt but please to stay a little while,
+thou shalt see a pretty art, which thou never saw before, to teach you
+how to know your sweetheart." "This is a pretty art indeed, and I should
+be glad to know it."
+
+"Hark! hark! daughter, is not yonder the cuckoo singing?" "Yes, yes, and
+I have not heard her sing this year before now." "Then, daughter, sit
+down by me, but hold, Are you fasting?" "Yes." "But has no man kissed
+you?" "No." Then sit thee down by me. "I think the cuckoo is mad, what a
+life she leads; I think she is a witch; but no matter: put off thy right
+shoe and stocking, and let me look between thy great toe and the next:
+Now, daughter, see, this hair is a long one; look well at it, and tell
+me what colour it is." "I think it is really yellow." "The same colour
+will thy husband's hair be." "But, Mother Bunch, I do not matter the
+colour so much as the condition." "I will tell you his condition: he may
+prove surly enough, and perhaps make you do as you did not imagine: you
+must give him good words, and give him good for evil." "Mother Bunch,
+you make me smile, you talk so merrily." "Come, daughter, it is no great
+matter; merry talk does no harm, but drives the time away. But hark!
+daughter, I have had three husbands myself, and I think to have another;
+and do you think I am so mad to tell him all I do? Then, my daughter, I
+have another way to tell you who must be your husband; I have proved it
+true; and it is the best time of the year to try it, therefore, observe
+what I say: Take a St. Thomas' onion, pare it, and lay it on a clean
+handkerchief under your pillow; and as you lie down, say these words--
+
+ Good St. Thomas, do me right,
+ And bring my love in dreams this night,
+ That I may view him in the face.
+
+"Then go to sleep as soon as you can, and in your first sleep you shall
+dream of him who is to be your husband. This I have tried, and it has
+proved true. Yet I have another pretty way for a maid to know her
+sweetheart, which is as follows: Take a summer apple of the best fruit,
+stick pins close into the apple, to the head, and as you stick them take
+notice which of them is the middlemost, and give it what name you fancy;
+put it into thy left hand glove, and lay it under thy pillow on Saturday
+night; after thou gettest into bed, then clap thy hands together, and
+say these words--
+
+ If thou be he that must have me
+ To be thy wedded bride,
+ Make no delay, but come away,
+ In dream to my bedside.
+
+"And in thy sleep thou shalt see him, and be not afraid, for it is a sign
+he will prove a good husband. And this is a good way for a young man to
+know his sweetheart, giving the middlemost pin the name he fancies best,
+putting the apple in his right hand glove, and laying it under his
+pillow when he is in bed, saying--
+
+ If thou be she that must have me
+ In wedlock for to join,
+ Make no delay, but come away
+ So I may dream of mine.
+
+"And that night he may see her, and if she come it is a sign she will
+prove a good wife. And now, daughter, the time passes away, and I must
+be gone, and so bid you farewell." "Mother Bunch, I give you many thanks
+for your good counsel, and intend to take your advice."
+
+Upon a time, Mother Bunch, being at a wedding, where young men and maids
+were met, who had a mind for some discourse with her, one young man
+said, "Mother Bunch, we know you are a woman that has a judgment in many
+things, I pray, tell my fortune." "I cannot tell fortunes," said she,
+"but thou blinkest too much with one eye to be true to one woman." "Aye,
+but, mother," says another, "what think you of me?" "Thou mayest come to
+marry a lady, if thou canst but lay a great wager with her, three to
+one; and if she wagers with thee, thou wilt be very likely to win, for
+thou hast mettle in thee; but have a care she win not the odds, if she
+does thou art clean gone. So farewell."
+
+Now Mother Bunch took her leave; and going home, she met a maid going to
+a wedding. "How do you do, mother?" "Thank you, daughter, whither are
+you going?" "To the wedding, I believe; but hark you, mother, will you
+sit down a little, I have something to say to you." "What is it,
+daughter?" "When shall I be married?" "Would you fain be married?" "Yes,
+mother, if I could get a good husband." "Then, daughter, I will tell you
+the best I can, if you will take my advice. In the month of January are
+many dangerous days for thee to take notice of; these are the first,
+second, third, fourth, and fifth: there are a great many more; but if
+thou marriest on these days, thy husband will cuckold thee, or thou wilt
+make him one, or else you will soon be parted by one means or other; but
+for all there be so many bad days in this month I can tell you of one
+day which is lucky, and many young men and maids have a deal of heart's
+ease on that day, or the day after, as I shall let you understand; it is
+the 21st, called St. Agnes' day. This St. Agnes has a great favour for
+young men and maids, and will bring their sweethearts, if they follow my
+rules: Upon this day you must be sure to keep a fast, and neither eat
+nor drink all that day, nor at night; neither let man, woman, nor child
+kiss thee on that day; and thou must be sure, when thou goest to bed, to
+say--
+
+ Now, St. Agnes, play thy part,
+ And send to me my own sweetheart;
+ And show me such a happy bliss,
+ This night to dream of a sweet kiss.
+
+"And be sure to fall asleep as soon as you can, and before you awake out
+of your first sleep, you shall see him come before you, and shall
+perceive by his habit what tradesman he is; and be sure thou declare not
+thy dream unto any one in ten days, and by that time thou mayest see thy
+dream come to pass. All this I have proved three times; for I have had
+three husbands, and they all proved tradesmen. The first was a straw
+joiner, the second a louse-trap maker, and the third a gentle craft, and
+he came to me with his awl in his hand, and so I waked out of my dream;
+but I thought the time long till he came again; as all maids do that
+desire to be married. I know some maids would wait in order to have a
+husband with the best conditions, and endowed with the best
+qualifications; nay they would have impossibilities: but I am afraid
+they will make good the old proverb, that says--
+
+ 'If you will not when you may,
+ When you would you shall have nay.'
+
+"Therefore, take my advice, if a young man comes to you of a civil
+carriage, and you think you can love him, be not scornful to him, but
+give him a civil encouragement, according to his behaviour."
+
+And as to young men, my advice is, they be wary in their choice, since
+there is as much danger in choosing of a wife as a husband: wherefore,
+all young men, take my advice: choose not one with a long nose, a
+scolding brow, and thin lips, for in such there is great danger. He who
+is tied to a scold is tied to sorrow; choose not one who is counted a
+slut, if she be a slut, she is idle also, and these two companions will
+bring thee to poverty; nay, besides this, the old saying is, 'A slut
+will poison the gout, and if you can't eat with her, you won't sleep
+with her.'
+
+But this is the best way of choosing a wife: Take one for love, not for
+riches which fly away, for true love never varies; and where that is,
+the blessing of God is. If you desire to live a long life, be not
+overfond of riches, but choose a civil handsome maid, who is not given
+to pride: such a maid may make a fine wife. But she that brings a
+handsome fortune, will be always throwing it in your teeth, which often
+occasions great disturbances; therefore let this suffice for those who
+desire to get good wives; and take notice of what I have already said,
+and you may fare the better.
+
+And as for young maids, this is my advice, if they will not try St.
+Agnes, let them be sure to choose a clever, honest man, who is able to
+support them in comfort.
+
+
+
+
+ PART II.
+
+
+On Michaelmas Day, Mother Bunch, sitting on the bank of a river, joining
+to a neighbouring grove, beheld the late flourishing branches in their
+decay, whose sapless leaves were falling to the earth, from which she
+began seriously to consider her own mortality; and since time had
+hurried on the winter of her age, and covered her aged head with snowy
+locks, she might expect, ere long, to fall, like the enfeebled leaves.
+Therefore, she resolved, as she had been a kind friend to young men and
+maids, to give a further testimony of her regard before she left this
+world. For as her painful study and strict observation had made a large
+improvement in her stock of knowledge she would not have it buried in
+the grave with her, but leave it to posterity for the benefit of young
+men and maids, whereby they might learn to understand their good and bad
+fortunes, and by the directions of this book be thoroughly furnished
+with many secret rarities never before published to the world.
+
+Accordingly, the next day she wrote letters of invitation to the young
+men and maids to repair to her house on St. Luke's Day. The maids she
+appointed to meet in the morning, to be first instructed, and that for
+two reasons. First, as she herself was a woman, she would teach them
+first, lest the bachelors should be too hard for them before they had
+learned their lessons. Secondly, that young women should be first served
+in this, it being Horn Fair Day, many of the bachelors would be employed
+in the morning, in handing old citizens' young wives to the fair; and in
+the afternoon they might be at liberty. This was the determination of
+old Mother Bunch.
+
+Now against the time appointed, old Mother Bunch decked up her house,
+neat and fine, and, getting up early in the morning, placed herself in
+the closet, where her treasure lay.
+
+Now the first that entered the room was one Margery Loveman, a
+maltster's maid, who, with a low curtsey, said, "Good morrow, Mother
+Bunch, I am come to partake of your bounty; for I hear you have a second
+time opened your Golden Closet of Curiosities for the benefit of young
+lovers." "Yes, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "so I have, and thou shalt
+partake of the same. Here is infallible rules and directions to guide
+you in all manner of love intrigues; also, how to know what sort of man
+you shall marry, and whither he will prove loving or not."
+
+"Dear mother, these are things I fain would know; for, believe me, I
+have many sweethearts, and I willingly choose the best, lest I should
+marry in haste and repent at leisure. 'Tis true, I have near a hundred
+and fifty pounds to my portion, the great noise of which has brought
+many sweethearts, for I have no less than five or six at this time; and,
+mother, I would fain know which of them comes for love of me, and which
+of them for money." "Daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "here is an
+experiment, if you will but try, it will make a clear discovery of the
+reality of their love. Let a report be spread that thou hast lately been
+robbed of all that thou hast, both money and apparel. Now, if after
+this, there is one of them that continues his love as before, you may be
+very certain that he is faithful; but, be sure that you keep this
+counsel to yourself, that the secret be not discovered." "I will take
+care of that, dear mother," quoth Margery, "and I heartily thank you for
+this kind and seasonable advice."
+
+ "Good morrow, daughter," she replied,
+ "Young men are false, and must be tried."
+
+She was no sooner gone, but in comes Mrs. Susan, a young sempstress from
+Salisbury, with sorrowful lamentation, weeping and wringing her hands.
+"How now!" quoth good Mother Bunch; "what is the matter with you,
+daughter, that you go on at this rate?" "Alas! Mother Bunch," quoth
+Susan, "my--my--my--my--my--my!" "What my?" said Mother Bunch. Quoth
+sobbing Susan, "My sorrows are more than I am able to bear; for, mother,
+dear Frank the fiddler, my old love, and I are fallen out, and he swears
+he will not have me." "Come, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "be of good
+comfort, for I will put thee in an effectual way to find whither Frank
+the fiddler be really angry with thee or not; and if he be, I will teach
+thee infallibly how to obtain his favour again. 'She that is afraid of
+every grass, must not think to go in a meadow.' Let your angry love but
+alone for a season, and he will soon come to himself again; for I know
+that love is a puny darling, and wants very frequently to be humoured.
+Therefore, let him alone, in time he will forget his anger, and return
+to thee again, if he has any principle, good nature, or loyal love in
+him; and if not, you had better be without him than during your whole
+life to be tied to so sour an apple tree. Remember the old proverb,
+'Set thy stool in the sun; if a knave goes, an honest man may come.' I
+hope thou hast not been playing the wanton wagtail with him, hast thou?"
+"No, indeed, dear Mother Bunch; but yet, I must needs confess that he
+fain would have played a lesson on my lute last market day, but I would
+not let him; and that was the cause of our falling out." "Sayest thou
+so, daughter? Why, then, I will tell thee, that since he found thou
+withstood his temptations, with so much resolution, take my word for it
+he will never forget thee." "Well, dear mother," quoth young Susan,
+"your words have been comfortable to me; and when I find the good
+effects, I will return and give you an account of it. And so farewell,
+dear mother, for the present."
+
+ "Right happy, daughter, may you be,
+ In guarding your true purity."
+
+The next that entered the room was Eliza, the miller's maid, who, after
+making a very low curtsey, and giving Mother Bunch the time of the day,
+desiring to know for what reason she sent her that letter? "Why," says
+the old woman, "to the end that I might reveal to you some secrets
+relating to love, which I have never discovered to the world." "But,
+dear Mother Bunch," quoth Margery, "I am a mere stranger to love, for I
+never in my life knew what it meant." "That may be," quoth Mother Bunch;
+"yet you know not how soon you may receive the arrows of Cupid, then you
+would be glad of some of my advice, for I know by myself, that the best
+woman of you all, at one time or other, has a desire to know what it is
+to be married." Quoth Margery, "You talk merrily, Mother Bunch." "Well,
+daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "you may term it as you please; but I
+will appeal to your own conscience whether or no you would be glad, with
+all your heart, of a kind and loving husband."
+
+"Dear Mother," quoth Margery, "you come quite close to the matter; and
+if I may be so free as to speak my own mind, I could willingly have such
+a one; for though house-keeping is said to be very chargeable often, yet,
+on the other hand, a married state is honourable." "Thou sayest well,
+daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "and if thou hast a mind to see the man
+whom thou shalt marry, then follow strictly my directions, and you shall
+not fail of your desire. Let me see--this is St. Luke's Day, which I
+have found by long study to be of greater use to that purpose than that
+of the celebrated St. Agnes, which I formerly recommended you to; and
+the ingredients now to be used are of a quite different and finer
+quality, and far more excellent for performing the same.
+
+"Now I would have you take some marigold flowers, a large sprig of sweet
+marjoram, a sprig of fresh thyme, and a small quantity of wormwood; dry
+these together before the fire, till you may rub them to a powder; then
+sift the same through a piece of fine lawn. This being done, take a
+small quantity of virgin honey, and right white wine vinegar, and simmer
+them together in a new earthen porringer, over a mild and gentle fire;
+all which being done, anoint your forehead and cheeks, and lips,
+likewise, with the same, just the moment you are lying down in your bed;
+always remembering to repeat these words three times--
+
+ St. Luke, St. Luke, be kind to me,
+ And let me now my true love see.
+
+"This said, hasten to sleep with all speed; then in the soft slumber of
+your night's repose the very man you are to marry shall appear before
+you walking to and fro near to your bedside, very plain and visible to
+be seen: you shall perfectly behold the colour of his hair, his visage,
+stature, and deportment. And if he be one that will prove faithful, he
+will approach you with a smile, and offer to salute you; which, when he
+does, do not seem to be overfond or peevishly froward, but receive the
+same with a becoming mild and modest smile. Now, if he be one that will,
+after marriage, forsake his house to wander after strange women, then
+will he offer to be rude and uncivil with thee, at which time thou shalt
+lift up thy hand to smite him; so doing, it will go well with thee, and
+thy guardian angel will keep thee ever safe. Daughter, these are
+rarities which I never before divulged. Do but put this in execution,
+and I am certain it will answer the desired effect." "I must needs thank
+you for your love," quoth Margery; "and so farewell, Mother Bunch."
+"Good-bye, daughter," she replied.
+
+ "Let joy and pleasure crown your days,
+ And a kind man your fortune raise."
+
+The next that appeared was Kate, the cloth-worker's daughter; then Doll,
+the dairymaid; Joan, Bridget, Nancy, and Phillis, in number about forty
+together, each of them crying out with a loud voice, "Dear Mother Bunch,
+remember me." "O remember me," quoth another; and so did they all, till
+they made the poor old woman's ears deaf with the clamorous noise. "My
+dear daughters," quoth Mother Bunch, "sit you all down and be quiet, for
+there is never a one amongst you but will partake of my bounty.
+Daughters, I will sit in the midst of you, where I shall read over a
+very interesting lecture. My real motive is to give you a full account
+of some rare and excellent curiosities, in my Golden Closet, newly broke
+open; declaring that it is my opinion that those things which are
+profitable to one maid may not be prejudicial, in any respect, to
+another, and this I shall begin. First, if any of you here desire to
+know the name of the man whom you shall marry, let her seek in the
+summer time for a green peasecod, in which there are nine pease; when
+you have done this, either write, or cause to be written, on a slip of
+paper, these words--
+
+ Come in, my dear,
+ And never fear.
+
+"Writing which, you must carefully close within the aforesaid peasecod,
+and lay the same under the threshold of the door, and then observe the
+next man that comes into the house; for you shall certainly be married
+to one of the same name.
+
+"Secondly, she that desires to be satisfied whether she shall get the man
+desired or no, let her take two lemon-peels in the morning, and wear
+them all the day under her arm-pit, then at night let her not fail to
+take them and rub the four posts of the bed with the same; which being
+done, in your first sleep, he will seem to come and present you with a
+couple of choice lemons, if not, there is no hope.
+
+"Thirdly, she that is desirous to know what manner of fortune she shall
+marry, whether a gentleman, a tradesman, or a traveller, the experiment
+is thus: Take a walnut, a hazel nut, and a nutmeg; crack the two nuts,
+and take off the scurf; peel them clear from the kernels, and grate part
+of the nutmeg to them; this being done, bruise the kernels of the nuts,
+and mix them with butter and sugar, making them up into peels, which are
+to be taken just when you are lying down in your bed. Then if your
+fortune be to marry a gentleman, your sleep will be filled with fine
+golden dreams, variety of sweet music, and many running footmen; if a
+tradesman, great noise and tumults; if a traveller (who is a seaman),
+then frightful visions of lightning and roaring thunder will disturb
+your sleep. This has been often tried, and as often approved.
+
+"Fourthly, St. Agnes' Day I have not wholly blotted out of my book; no,
+but I have found a more exact way of trial than before: You shall not
+need to abstain from kisses, nor be forced to keep a fast from a glance
+of your love in the night. If you can rise to be at the parish church
+door punctually between the hours of twelve and one in the morning, and
+then and there put only the fore-finger of your right hand into the
+key-hole of the said door, repeating the following words, three times
+over--
+
+ O sweet St. Agnes, now draw near
+ With my true love, let him appear.
+
+"Then he will straight approach to you with a cheerful and smiling
+countenance. This is a new and infallible way of making the trial.
+
+"Fifthly, my dear daughters, you all know the thirteenth day of February
+is Valentine's Day, at which time the fowls of the air couple together,
+and not only so, but the young men and maidens are for choosing mates at
+the same time. Now, that you may speed to your full satisfaction, follow
+this approved direction: Take five bay leaves, lay one under every
+corner of your pillow, and the fifth under the middle, then laying
+yourself down to rest, repeat the following words in the four lines,
+seven times over--
+
+ Some guardian angel let me have
+ What I most earnestly do crave,
+ A valentine endowed with love,
+ Which will both kind and constant prove.
+
+"Then to your great content, you shall either have the valentine of him
+you desire, or, at least, one much more excellent.
+
+"Sixthly, the experiment of the midsummer smock, found in a better
+manner than before, by my painful study in philosophy. And now,
+daughters," quoth she, "take particular notice, for it is thus: Let
+seven of you together, on a midsummer's eve, exactly at the sun's
+setting, go silently into some garden, and gather each of you a sprig of
+red sage, then return to some private room, prepared particularly for
+that purpose, with a stool placed in the middle, each one of you having
+a clean smock, turned the wrong side outwards, hanging upon a line
+across the room, then let every one lay her sprig of red sage on a clean
+plate of rosewater set on a stool; which done, place yourselves in a
+row, where continue till twelve or one o'clock, saying nothing,
+whatever you see, for after midnight, each one's sweetheart or husband,
+that shall be, will take each maid's sprig out of the rosewater, and
+sprinkle his love's smock, and those who are so unfortunate as never to
+be married, their sprigs shall not be moved; and in consequence hereof
+many sobs and heavy sighs will be heard. This has been very often tried
+in our own country, and never failed of the desired effect.
+
+ These things I have found out of late,
+ To make young lovers fortunate.
+
+"And now, my dear daughters, I have but a few more words to say at this
+time, and they are by way of caution: In the twelve months I find above
+one and thirty very unfortunate days; and therefore, as you regard the
+future happiness of your lives, take care that you do not enter into
+wedlock upon those days. Now, for your better instruction, I'll tell you
+which they be.
+
+ "In January there are four; the 7th, 16th, 17th, and 18th.
+ February hath two; the 5th and 10th.
+ March hath three; the 9th, 10th, and 21st.
+ April hath two; the 6th and 7th.
+ May hath two; the 4th and 13th.
+ June hath three; the 7th, 9th, and 10th.
+ July hath two; the 9th and 17th.
+ August hath two; the 11th and 15th.
+ September hath three; the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
+ October hath three; the 4th, 14th, and 15th.
+ November hath two; the 5th and 24th.
+ December hath three; the 6th, 7th, and 9th.
+ Observe my rules for all these days,
+ And then you will your fortune raise."
+
+This said, old Mother Bunch presented them with a cup of her fine
+cordial water, and so dismissed them; and the young damsels, with
+rapturous hearts, returned her their hearty thanks.
+
+After Mother Bunch had done dinner, the young men came, to wit, Tom the
+miller, Ralph the thatcher, and Robin the ploughman, with a great number
+of other trades and callings, all whom Mother Bunch invited to sit down
+that she might deliver her wholesome counsels to them.
+
+And first she begins with Tom the miller, saying, "Ah, Tom! thou art a
+sad wild young fellow; there is not a maid that can come to the mill but
+thou will be fooling with them, but take my word for it, if you do not
+leave off in time, you will certainly spoil all your fortune. What woman
+do you think, having a portion, will have such a one? She may justly
+conclude that you will still run a catterwauling after young wenches,
+and leave her to sigh and weep for want of domestic happiness--you know
+what I mean, Tom."
+
+"Yes, yes, mother," quoth Tom, "but sure you do not take me for such a
+one." "Yes, Tom, I do, and am seldom mistaken. It is you millers that
+fill the country so full of cracked-headed maidens, that when an honest
+husband comes to marry he finds the hearts already stolen away. But
+farewell, I'll have no more to say to such a fellow as you."
+
+Then turning to Ralph the thatcher, she said, "I find you are very
+desirous of a wife, and your ambition is such that she must be rich,
+young, and beautiful: cannot you content yourself with honest Joan, to
+whom you gave promise of marriage? And now I find you have a mind to
+leave her, which if you do, and obtain such a one as you desire, I can
+tell you what will follow. She won't stand picking of straws with you,
+her fair face will find many friends in a corner, and you may chance to
+be a cuckold, and indeed but justly served in your kind; and, therefore,
+I advise you to return to your old love, for she is a very honest girl,
+and therefore far more fit for you than such a gay butterfly as you have
+lately followed."
+
+Then she stretched forth her hand to Robin the ploughman, saying, "Thou
+art an honest fellow, and good fortune will always attend thee. I mean
+not bags of gold nor heaps of silver; but thou shalt have a careful and
+industrious wife, one that will ever be willing and ready to labour, a
+true and faithful yoke-mate, and one that will be a cheerful partner in
+thy weal and woe, to comfort and support thee under the greatest and
+most severe trials. For, as the poet has it--
+
+ That burden may be borne
+ By two with care,
+ Which is perhaps too much
+ For one to bear.
+
+"Honest Robin, this is thy happy fortune, and as thou art a downright
+honest fellow, I am glad to find it so."
+
+ Thus Mother Bunch went round the room,
+ And told them what would be their doom,
+ If they her daughters did betray,
+ And steal their maiden hearts away,
+ Each would be punished with a bride,
+ By whom he should be hornify'd;
+ But if they were right honest men,
+ Each of them should have fortune then.
+ This said, she did her blessing give,
+ In love and happiness to live;
+ Which when they did the same receive,
+ Of Mother Bunch they took their leave,
+ Declaring she had told them more,
+ Than e'er they understood before.
+
+Now for these poor young creatures that have pined themselves to death,
+and have no cure, the worst of pretenders to physiognomy might prescribe
+them a remedy, and all those of what constitution soever that have hoped
+houses of their own, I will show you how you shall see the person that
+is to give you one, collected from Trismegistus and Cornelius Agrippa.
+
+On midsummer Eve three or four of you must dip your dresses in fair
+water, then turn them wrong side outwards, and hang them on chairs
+before the fire, and lay some salt in another chair, and speak not a
+word. In a short time the likeness of him you are to marry will come and
+turn your dresses, and drink to you; but if there be any of you will
+never marry, they will hear a bell, but not the rest.
+
+ _Another way, quickly tried._
+
+Take hemp-seed, and go into what place you will by yourself, carry the
+seed in your apron, and with your right hand throw it over your shoulder
+saying,
+
+ Hemp-seed I sow, hemp-seed I sow,
+ And he that must be my true love,
+ Come after me and mow.
+
+And at the ninth time expect to see the figure of him you are to wed, or
+else hear a bell as before.
+
+ Yet though you hear the sad and dismal bell
+ It is your own fault if you hear the horrid knell.
+ _Another way._
+
+You that dare venture into a churchyard, just as it strikes twelve at
+night, take a naked sword in your hand, and go nine times about the
+church, saying,
+
+ Here's the sword, but where's the scabbard?
+
+Which continue the whole time you go round; and the ninth time the
+person you are to marry will meet you with a scabbard and so kiss you:
+if not, a bell as before.
+
+ _Another, called the Dutch Cake._
+
+Three, four, or more of you must make a cake of flour and salt (no
+matter of what flour), and some of each of your own baking; make your
+cake broad, and each of you set the two first letters of your name with
+a pin, but leave such a distance that it may be cut; then set it before
+the fire, but speak not one word. Turn it each of you once; and the
+person to be your husband will cut out your name; then the next, unto
+the last.
+
+ _Another way._
+
+The first change of the new moon on the New Year, the first time you
+see it, hold your hands across, saying this three times--
+
+ New moon, new moon, I pray thee,
+ Tell me this night who my true love will be.
+
+Then go to sleep without speaking a word, and you will certainly dream
+of the person you shall marry.
+
+ _Another way experienced often._
+
+Young men and maids may take some rosemary flowers, bay leaves, a little
+thyme, sweet marjoram, and southern-wood; make these into powder, and
+with barley flour make a cake, but do not bake it. Lay this under your
+head any Friday night; and if you dream of music, you will wed those you
+desire in a short time; if of the sea or ships, you will travel first;
+if of a church, you must be contented to die single.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ COMICAL HISTORY
+
+ OF THE
+
+ COURTIER AND TINKER
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _The Courtier finds the Tinker asleep; he has him carried in
+ that posture to his house; lays him on a Bed in a
+ stately Room with rich Clothes by him; feasts and
+ entertains him with fine Music; makes him
+ drunk, and then conveys him
+ back again._
+
+
+A Courtier one day riding along with his retinue espied a Tinker who had
+been taking a very early draught to quench the spark in his throat,
+lying fast asleep, and snoring under a sunny bank, having made his
+budget into his pillow, to rest his drowsy head upon; and the
+Courtier's country house not being far off, he immediately caused his
+servants to take him up very softly, and carry him thither, then to put
+him in a stately bed in the next chamber, pull off his foul shirt, and
+put on him a clean one, then convey away his old clothes, and lay rich
+ones by him. This was punctually observed. The Tinker being thus laid,
+slept soundly till evening; when rousing up between sleeping and waking,
+and being dry, as drunkards usually are, he began to call for some
+drink, but was greatly frighted to find himself in such a palace,
+furnished with lights and attendants about him, that bowed to him, and
+harmonious music, accompanied with most charming voices, but none of
+them to be seen. Whereupon looking for his old clothes and budget, he
+found a muff and rich attire glistening with gold by him, which made him
+fancy himself metamorphosed from a Tinker to a Prince. He asked many
+questions, but in vain, yet being willing to rise, the attendants
+arrayed him in the richest attire; so then he looked on all sides
+admiring the sudden change of fortune, and as proud as a peacock when he
+spreads his tail against the glittering beams of the sun. And being
+arrayed, they had him into another room, where was a costly banquet
+prepared, and placed him in a chair, under a fine canopy, fringed with
+gold, being attended with wine in gilded cups. At first he strained
+courtesy, but being entreated to sit down, the banquet being solely at
+his disposal, he fell to most heartily. Then after supper they plied him
+with so much wine, as to make him dead drunk, then stripped him, and put
+on his old clothes; they carried him as they had brought him, and laid
+him in the same posture they found him, being all this time asleep; and
+when he awoke he took all that had happened before for a vision, telling
+it wherever he came, that he had really and verily dreamed he had been a
+prince, telling them as well as he could all that had happened, but
+plainly he saw now again his fortune would raise him no higher than to
+mend old kettles; yet he made the following song for the fraternity to
+sing at their leisure:--
+
+ All you that jovial Tinkers are,
+ Come listen unto me:
+ I dreamed a dream that was so rare,
+ That none to it I can compare,
+ No Tinker such did see.
+
+ I thought I was a King indeed,
+ Attired gay and fine;
+ In a stately palace I did tread,
+ Was to a princely banquet led,
+ And had good cheer of wine.
+
+ But soon I found me in a ditch,
+ That did no comfort lend;
+ This shows a Tinker, though he itch
+ To be a Prince, or to grow rich,
+ Must still old kettles mend.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _The Courtier's Trick upon the Tinker for complaining that he
+ could get no drink at his house._
+
+
+The Tinker I have before mentioned, not knowing the house where he had
+been so nobly entertained, and which he only took for a vision, and
+often walking that road and crying old brass to mend, had been called in
+to work, and was often asked various questions by the servants, and as
+often told them his imaginary vision; but they giving him no strong
+liquor, he often complained of it in the town, saying, "Though some had
+praised Sir John's liberality, and how free he was of his liquor, yet
+for his own part, he could say no such thing, as having ever found him
+so stingy and niggardly, that not so much as one sup of his famed March
+or October beer could he get." This being babbled about came to the
+Courtier's ears, who was resolved to punish his sauciness, though in a
+comical way. So one day as he was passing by, he ordered him to be
+called in to do some work; and after he had done it to come to him (as
+having laid all his schemes with his servants beforehand). "Come, old
+fellow," said he, "you look as if you were as dry as Vulcan. What say
+you if I should order you where you may have your fill of good drink?
+Would not you be glad of it?" "Ay, master," said he, making a nod and a
+scrape, "God's blessing on your heart for it, and I thank you too."
+
+Upon this he ordered his butler to have him down, and be sure not to
+stint him, and let him have his full swill. They instantly went, and the
+Tinker followed them very joyfully. But they had no sooner gotten him
+down, but shutting to the door close, they ordered him to strip
+immediately; at the which he much wondered, and began to make excuses on
+account of the blackness of his hide, which would be very undecent and
+unseemly. But they pretended it was the way of the cellar, when a new
+comer was to be made free of it, but never after, how oft soever he
+came. He being willing to comply, that he might have his skin full of
+good liquor, that might prove both as meat and cloth to him, off went
+his leathern doublet, breeches, shoes, stockings, and hat; as for shirt
+he had none, having pawned it to his hostess that morning for three
+noggins of brandy. Then taking a frisk or two in a merry vein, they
+surprisingly whipped him up by the heels, and put him into a full butt
+of strong beer, the upper head being taken up for that purpose. So he
+dipped over head and ears like a duck that dives. Yet after he had
+recovered his legs, it was but just shoulder deep, for when upon winding
+of the horn, whilst he would have been scrambling out, down came Sir
+John, demanding what was the matter. They told him "the Tinker was not
+content to drink full horns at the cock, but would needs go in to drink
+all at a draught." "Aye," said he, "this is a thirsty soul indeed; but
+since he undertakes to drink it, he shall do it, for none of my servants
+shall drink it now, he has washed his dirty hide in it;" crying to him
+with an angry voice, "Sirrah, you rogue, drink it as you proposed, or it
+shall be worse for you," and while he stood shivering up to his neck,
+and was endeavouring to lay the blame upon others, the Courtier seemed
+impatient to be dallied with, drew a broad sword that was two-edged,
+protesting his head should go off for abusing his good liquor, was there
+no more Tinkers in the world, and with that, making a full blow at him,
+as the Tinker believed. And seeing him in such a passion, he to avoid
+the coming stroke dropped down over head and ears, staying under as long
+as he could, and peeping up, and seeing the threatening danger, he
+dropped down again for six or seven times. Till fearing to carry the
+jest too far, he gave him a short respite, telling him, "Now he could
+not report abroad he was so very niggardly of his drink, for he had or
+might have enough of it." Then bidding his servants to take him out, and
+ordered him to depart, or drink it up, which he thought fit. And thus he
+went away laughing. The Tinker, who was at first very angry, but being
+cheered up with a cordial dram, and so made sensible that all this was
+but a frolic, and that for the future their master would be his good
+friend if he behaved civilly, he was pacified, and so putting on his
+clothes, he beat the road for a gang of merry fellows of his
+acquaintance, informing them, there was a hogshead of March beer at Sir
+John's, which they all might be partakers of if they choosed; they came
+joyfully, and had it brought into the court-yard, in black jacks. After
+they had drunk it, the Tinker told them the cause of its being given
+away, was because there was a swine that had unexpectedly fallen into
+it; but on further inquiry he told them all the circumstances, which set
+them a-laughing till their sides were almost cracked. Afterwards they
+had plenty of victuals sent them, and the Tinker being thus made free of
+the cellar, was ordered to call at the house, and have victuals and
+drink as often as he came that way. And so they departed, spreading the
+fame of Sir John in every place they came, as a bountiful benefactor;
+singing as they went, the following song:--
+
+ Good house-keeping, they say, is fled,
+ Or hawks or hounds, and whores have rid her;
+ But we say she's not fled nor dead,
+ Who have so plentiful beheld her.
+
+ Long may he flourish in this nation,
+ And get it praised as of old,
+ That we by following the French fashion,
+ May not make charity grow cold.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _A Comical Trick he made the Tinker serve an old Farmer,
+ who used to ride sleeping, making him think
+ that his horse was the Devil._
+
+
+The Tinker being better pleased with his treatment, often frequented the
+house, making the Knight merry with his pleasant songs, etc., so that he
+was much pleased with his conversation, and often gave him money, and
+one day put him upon a frolic, seeing him an apt fellow. He had seen an
+old curmudgeon farmer, sleeping and nodding on his horse, as he came
+from market, and giving the Tinker directions what to do, when he should
+come by, knowing his hour, and delivering him a parcel of crackers and
+other fireworks, he caused him to be dressed in a raw hide with horns,
+when the Tinker, according to order, with the help of a servant, having
+stopped the farmer's horse, while the rider was sleeping, pitched four
+stakes, one at each corner of the pannel, and ungirting, he drew the
+horse from under, when taking off the bridle, he put his own head into
+the headstal; so then after he placed the fireworks under the pannel, he
+put a fuse lighted to them, and so kept motion as the horse used to do
+with the nodding farmer, who having the reins about his wrist, by his
+kicking he awaked, and seeing himself on a frightful beast, which he
+took for Beelzebub, he cried out, when the fire-work taking, blew up him
+and the pannel, and made him to fall quash to the ground, so that the
+Tinker made off with the stakes and pannel. The old man no sooner got
+up, but he fell to running, crying out, "The Devil, the Devil," and
+never durst come that way again but in company, rather choosing to go
+five miles about.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+_The Tinker complains to the Courtier of a Butcher's Dog
+ that often assaulted him. The Courtier, in the
+ Tinker's habit, fights and kills him;
+ and of his Examination before a Justice._
+
+
+The Tinker being awarded with a crown for his dexterity, went away; but
+one day being in merry talk with our Courtier, he changed his tone
+sadly, and told him that a butcher, on such a road, kept a lion-like
+mastiff dog; that he was not so much afraid to encounter him, as that if
+he would kill him, the butcher as he told him, would send him to jail,
+and punish him at the next sessions, having one Justice Clodpole on his
+side, who was his landlord, and whose house he served with meat, and
+doubted not would hearken to anything he said against him although ever
+so false and unjust.
+
+Sir John having listened to his complaint, and laughed, bid him be of
+good cheer, for himself would try the dog adventure. Upon this he
+ordered some clothes to be brought, which the Tinker stripping, put on,
+and the Knight put on his, except his shirt, and taking his budget, pike
+staff, kettle, and hammer, away he went, beating his kettle, and crying,
+"Work for a Tinker," till he came near the butcher's house. The dog soon
+heard the tink, tink, and away he runs open-mouthed to meet the Tinker,
+they laughing to see how he would fright him; but Sir John having now
+thrown down his budget, was ready to receive him with the pike end of
+the staff, and after the dog wheeled, he returned and advanced eagerly
+to fly at his throat, but he thrust the pike of his staff into his
+breast; upon which he ran away howling, and tracing the ground with his
+blood, till he came to his master's, where he died. At this he was so
+much enraged, that he carried a constable, and seized the Knight, who
+purposely made no resistance. So taking him before a Justice, he made
+very great complaints against him.
+
+The Justice very gravely demanded what the fellow was brought before him
+for? The butcher said, "An't please your Worship, fur killing my
+servant." "Aye," said the Justice, "he looks like a bloody-minded
+villain, therefore write his mittimus, and see he be well-ironed, lest
+he make his escape."
+
+"I beseech your good Worship not to be so rash and hasty," said the
+Knight, "as to pass sentence upon me so hard. Pray ask this butcher what
+servant of his I killed?" "Ay," said the Justice, "let him speak." "Then
+in truth," said the Butcher, "I ought in conscience to speak the truth;
+it was but a dog, but such a dog, as I say I would not have taken the
+best five guineas in the country for. Do you see me, sir, he had rare
+qualities over other dogs; he would not only fetch home my sheep out of
+the field when I wanted them, and save me that trouble, but do you see,
+Mr. Justice, he would go a sheep-hunting, and drive me home a couple,
+and sometimes half a dozen of wild sheep, which nobody owned or I did
+not think fit to inquire after, or they after me; so that he made me a
+thriving man: besides he was the safeguard of my house, and I believe
+that he killed him on purpose that he might rob me."
+
+"Ay, ay," said the Justice; "all this is true, and you speak like an
+honest man, and he looks indeed like a rogue, and I believe you; but,
+however, we can't, indeed hang men for a dog, but I'll send him to jail,
+and there he shall lie and rot in his lousy linen, and drink
+kennel-water, and not one bit of meat, unless now and then a roasted
+turnip, cooled on a burdock leaf." "This is a very hard sentence,
+indeed, Mr. Justice," said our counterfeit Tinker. "No, no," replied the
+Justice, "it is too mild a one for such a villain as you are." But
+added, "I had like to have forgot a material point in his examination.
+Tell me, sirrah, how you came to kill this honest man's dog?" "Why,
+sir," said he, "with the pike end of my staff for running at me to bite
+me." "Aye, aye," said the Justice, "that was villainous in you; could
+you not have turned the other end, and given him a rap upon the pate?"
+"Yes," replied he, "if he had come to me with his tail foremost."
+
+"Prithee, show me," said the Justice, "how he came at thee?"--"I will
+show your worship; he came open mouthed, as I do to you now, crying,
+bow, wow, wow." And here running against the Justice, overthrew him in
+his chair to the ground; so that he most loudly cried out, "Murder!" and
+being got up he ordered his mittimus to be made, reviling him at a
+desperate rate. But all on a sudden the tables were turned; for no
+sooner being asked, but he told his name. When up starts the Justice,
+and coming unto him with a low reverence, "Oh! Sir John," said he, "Is
+it you! who could ever have thought it! I am heartily sorry for what I
+have said." Then turning to the butcher, who stood wondering, said,
+"Sirrah, you rascal, do you keep dogs to assault gentlemen? but I will
+teach you better manners; come bind him over to the sessions directly,
+and if he has no bail, take him to jail. This is a pretty thing indeed,
+that people cannot pass the road peaceably for such rogues as you
+keeping dogs." But Sir John interposing, all was pacified, and the
+butcher went home with a flea in his ear.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ HISTORY
+
+ OF THE
+
+ FOUR KINGS
+
+ OF
+
+ Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland,
+
+ _Their Queens and Daughters;_
+
+ BEING
+
+ The Merry Tales of TOM HODGE and his School-Fellows.
+
+
+
+
+ THE PREFACE.
+
+
+Not to detain the reader with many words to little purpose, I shall only
+here observe that Tom Hodge, with the rest of his old companions,
+belonging to the school of Cockermouth, were walking on a very pleasant
+morning in May, and having tired themselves with pranks and intrigues,
+towards evening they sat themselves down on a green bank, beneath a
+lovely oak, where they agreed amongst themselves that everyone should
+tell a tale, or pay a fine; and because Tom was the eldest scholar, it
+was concluded and agreed upon that he should begin first.
+
+ Says Tom, "With all my heart,
+ So I'll begin my part."
+
+
+ TALE I.
+
+Once upon a time, when the opinion was common in England that those
+whose age and experience enabled them to determine the consequences of
+certain actions were wizards and witches, there was a queen in this
+realm, whose name was Elizabeth; and by reason that the famous town of
+Lancaster was strangely pestered with witches, the queen sent some
+judges down to arraign and try them in order to bring them to justice.
+
+Now the news of this court being to be kept in Lancaster, spread through
+all the country, so that a husbandman living near forty miles from that
+place, hearing of this, news, and believing they were come to tell the
+folks whether they were witches or not, resolved to go to be satisfied
+in himself, for he was possessed with a fear that he was a witch,
+because he had a wart grew on his neck, which he imagined to be a dug.
+
+His wife, who had a friend in a corner, and was therefore glad of his
+absence, did not only give her consent, but also dressed him in his best
+leathern suit and broad-brimmed hat. So taking leave of his good wife
+Joan, he trudged on day and night until he came to the place where the
+court was kept; so rushing on and pressing through the crowd, the crier
+of the court believing him to be some evidence, gave orders that they
+should let him in, which was soon done, and he was required to speak
+what he had to say. "Why," says the countryman, "d'ye see, I've a dug
+upon my neck, which makes me afraid I am a witch, and volks tell me that
+these vine gentlemen (pointing to the judges) can tell a body whether
+one is a witch or no." The crier of the court seeing the simplicity of
+the man, said, "No, no, my friend, I can assure thee thou art no witch;
+thou lookest more like a cuckold than a witch or a conjurer." "I thank
+you, zur; and zo zays these vine gentlemen." Then having given three or
+four scrapes and half a dozen congees, he came back as wise as Waltham's
+calf. The next day he was met by his wife, who waited for his return at
+the town's end, to whom she said, "Well, husband, what do the gentlemen
+say? are you a witch or no?" "A witch, sweet wife, no; they tells a body
+one looks more like a cuckold than a witch, or a conjurer." "Why say
+you so?" replied she; "I prithee go back and have them taken up for
+witches; for except they had been so, they would not have known you were
+a cuckold."
+
+This merry tale so pleased them that they set up a hearty laugh, which,
+being ended, the second boy began his tale in the following manner.
+
+
+ TALE II.
+
+In the days of yore, when this land was governed by many kings, among
+the rest the king of Canterbury had an only daughter, and she was wise,
+fair, and beautiful. Her father sent forth a decree that whoever would
+watch one night with his daughter, and neither sleep nor slumber, he
+should have her the next day in marriage; but if he did either, he
+should lose his head. Many knights and squires attempted it, but lost
+their heads.
+
+Now, it happened a young shepherd, grazing his flock near the road, said
+to his master, "Zur, I zee many gentlemen ride to the court at
+Canterbury, but ne'er see 'em return again." "O, shepherd!" said his
+master, "I know not how they should; for they attempt to watch with the
+king's daughter, according to the decree, and not performing it, they
+are all beheaded." "Well," said the shepherd, "I'll try my vorton; zo
+now vor a king's daughter or a headless shepherd." And taking his bottle
+and bag, he trudged to court. Now, in his way, he was to cross a river,
+over which lay a plank; down he sits, and pulls off his shoes and
+stockings to wash his feet, lest the smell of his toes might be the
+means of keeping her awake. While he was washing his feet a fish came
+smelling and biting his toes; he caught it and put it into his bag:
+after which came a second, a third, and a fourth, which he caught and
+put in his bag likewise. This done, and dried his feet, he put on his
+stockings and shoes, and pursued his journey till he came to the palace,
+where he knocked loudly with his crook. He was no sooner let in, and
+having told his business, but he was conducted to a hall, prepared for
+that purpose, where the king's daughter sat ready to receive him; and
+the better to lull his senses, he was placed in a rich easy chair,
+having delicious wines for his supper, with many fine dishes of fruit,
+etc., of which the shepherd ate and drank plentifully, insomuch that he
+began to slumber before midnight. "O shepherd," said the lady, "I have
+caught you napping?" "Not, zweet ally, I was busy." "At what?" said she.
+"Why a feeshing." "Nay, shepherd, there is no fish-pond in the hall,"
+"No matter vor that, I have been feeshing." Says the lady, "Where do you
+fish?" "O," quoth he, "in my bag." "O me, have you catched e'er a one?"
+"Ay, lady," said he. "I'd willingly see it," replied she. "Ay, an't
+please you, you shall with all my heart." This said, he slyly drew one
+of the fishes out of his bag, at the sight of which she was greatly
+pleased, and praised it for a pretty fish: and withal said, "Dear
+shepherd, do you think you could catch one in mine too?" "Ay, ay,
+doubtless I can." Then he fell to fishing, and in a short time drew a
+second fish out of the bag pretending he drew it from her. The king's
+daughter was so pleased with it that she kissed it, declaring it was the
+finest she ever saw. And about half an hour after she said, "Shepherd,
+do you think you could get me one more?" He answered, "Mayhap I may,
+when I have baited my hook." "Then make haste, for I am impatient till I
+have another." Then the shepherd acted as before, and so presented her
+with another fish, which she also extolled and praised, saying, "It was
+ten times finer than the other;" and then gave him leave to sleep,
+promising to excuse him to her father.
+
+In the morning the king came into the hall as usual, followed by the
+headsman with a hatchet; but the lady cried out, "You may return with
+your hatchet, here is no work for you." "How so," said the king, "has
+he neither slumbered nor slept?" "No, royal father, he has not." "How
+has he employed himself?" "In fishing." "Why, there is never a
+fish-pond; where did he catch them?" "One in his own bag, and two in
+this one of mine." "Say you so? Well, friend, dost thou think thou
+can'st catch one in mine?" "An't please you, my liege, I believe I can."
+Then directing the king to lie down, he poked him with a packing needle,
+which made him cry out exceedingly; at which time he drew the other fish
+out of the bag, and showed it to the king. His majesty said, "He never
+knew such sort of fishing before; however, take my daughter, according
+to my royal decree." And so they were married, and the wedding kept in
+great triumph, and the shepherd became a king's son.
+
+"O that was mighty well," said the third boy, "he had wonderful good
+fortune. This puts me in mind of a story, which I will now tell in my
+turn."
+
+
+ TALE III.
+
+If I may believe my old grandmother, there lived in the county of
+Cumberland a nobleman, who had three sons. Two of them were comely and
+tall youths, wise and learned; the third a merry fool, and went often in
+a party-coloured coat and steeple crowned hat, at the top of which was a
+tassel In this dress he made a comical figure. At this time the king of
+Canterbury had a fine daughter, adorned with all the gifts of nature,
+joined to an ingenious education, she being very ripe-witted, as
+appeared by her ready answers and the comical questions she put forth.
+The king, her father, published a decree, that whoever should come to
+the court, and answer his daughter three questions, without study or
+stumbling, should have her in marriage, and also be heir to the crown at
+his decease. On publishing this decree, the said gentleman's two sons
+agreed between themselves to go and try how favourable fortune might be
+to them in this undertaking; but all their care was what they should do
+with their silly brother Jack; for, as they said, if he follows us, he
+will out with some foolish bolt, and so spoil our business. At length it
+was agreed on going to the court, to go out of the back door, which led
+to the road over several fields, about a mile from the house. They did
+so, but were no sooner got into the highway, but looking behind, they
+saw their brother Jack coming capering and dancing after them, saying,
+with a loud laughter, "So you are going to get a king's daughter, but I
+will pursue you." They saw there was no way to get rid of him, but by
+walking fast and leaving him behind, hoping thereby to get entrance
+before Jack, and then have the gates shut against him. They had not gone
+half a mile before Jack set up a great fit of laughter, at which one of
+his brothers said, "What's the fool found out now?" "Why, I've found an
+egg." "Put it in thy pocket," said his brothers. "Adad, and so I will,"
+says Jack. Presently after he was taken with another fit of laughter.
+"What's the fool found now?" "What have I found!" says Jack, "why a
+crooked stick." They bid him put that in his pocket also. "Ay, marry,
+will I." They had not walked much farther before Jack burst into a
+greater fit of laughter than before. His brothers said, "What's the fool
+found now?" "Found! why an orange." "Put that in your pocket likewise."
+"I intend it," says Jack. Now, by this time they were come near the
+palace gate, at which they no sooner knocked but they were admitted. But
+Jack never stood for ceremonies, but ran through the midst of the court,
+and as the wise brothers were making their addresses, Jack was laughing
+at the ladies, unto whom he said, "What a troop of fair ladies are got
+here!" "O yes, yes," said the king's daughter, who was among them, "we
+are fair ladies, for we carry fire in our bosom." "Do you?" said Jack;
+"then roast me an egg." "How will you get it out again?" "By a crooked
+stick which I have." "Ay, you will?" said she. "I have it in my pocket,"
+says Jack. In this Jack answered the three questions proposed. Then he
+was preferred to that honour which was mentioned in the decree. His two
+wise brothers then went home like two fools, and left foolish Jack to be
+reverenced at court with the king's fair daughter.
+
+Said the fourth boy, "This verifies the old proverb, 'Fools have
+fortune'; besides, it has put me in mind of a story that was told me by
+my aunt."
+
+
+ TALE IV.
+
+Long before Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, here reigned, in
+the easterly part of this land, a king who kept his court at Colchester.
+He was witty, strong and valiant, by which means he subdued his enemies
+abroad and planted peace among his subjects at home.
+
+Nevertheless, in the midst of all his earthly glory, his queen died,
+leaving behind her an only daughter, about fifteen years of age under
+the care of her royal husband. This lady, from her courtly carriage,
+beauty, and affability, was the wonder of all that knew her; but, as
+covetousness is the root of all evil, so it happened here.
+
+The king hearing of a lady who had likewise an only daughter, for the
+sake of her riches had a mind to marry her, though she was old, ugly,
+hook-nosed, and hump-backed, yet all could not deter him from marrying
+her. The daughter of the said piece of deformity was a yellow dowdy,
+full of envy and ill-nature; and, in short, was much of the same mould
+as her mother. This signified nothing, for in a few weeks the king,
+attended by the nobility and gentry, brought the said piece of deformity
+to his palace, where the marriage rites were performed. Long they had
+not been in the court before they set the king against his own beautiful
+daughter, which was done by false reports and accusations. The young
+princess, having lost her father's love, grew weary of the court, and on
+a certain day meeting with her father in the garden, she desired him,
+with tears in her eyes, to give her a small subsistence and she would go
+and seek her fortune, to which the king consented, and ordered her
+mother-in-law to make up a small sum according to her discretion. To her
+she went, who gave her a canvas bag of brown bread, a hard cheese, with
+a bottle of beer. Though this was but a very pitiful dowry for a king's
+daughter, she took it, returned thanks, and so proceeded, passing
+through groves, woods, and valleys, till at length she saw an old man
+sitting on a stone at the mouth of a cave, who said, "Good morning, fair
+maiden, whither away so fast?" "Aged father," says she, "I am going to
+seek my fortune." "What hast thou in thy bag and bottle?" "In my bag I
+have got bread and cheese, and in my bottle good small beer; will you
+please to partake of either?" "Yes," said he, "with all my heart." With
+that the lady pulled out her provision, and bid him eat and welcome. He
+did, and gave her many thanks, telling her there was a thick thorny
+hedge before her, which will appear to you impassable, but take this
+wand in your hand, strike three times, and say, "Pray hedge, let me come
+through;" and it will open immediately. Then a little further you will
+find a well, sit down on the brink of it, and there will come up three
+golden heads which will speak; and what they require, that do. Then
+promising she would, she took her leave of him. Coming to the hedge, and
+following the old man's direction, the hedge divided and gave her a
+passage. Then coming to the well, she had no sooner sitten down, but a
+golden head came up with a singing note, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down
+softly." "Yes," said the young lady; then putting forth her hand with a
+silver comb performed the office, placing it upon a primrose bank. Then
+came up a second, and a third, saying as the former, which she complied
+with; and then pulling out her provision, ate her dinner. Then said the
+heads one to another, "What shall we do for this lady, who hath used us
+so very kindly?" The first said, "I will cause such addition to her
+beauty as shall charm the most powerful prince in the world." The second
+said, "I will endow her with such perfume, both in body and breath, as
+shall far exceed the sweetest flowers." The third said, "My gift shall
+be none of the least, for as she is a king's daughter. I'll make her so
+fortunate that she shall become queen to the greatest prince that
+reigns." This done, at their request she let them down into the well
+again, and so proceeded on her journey. She had not travelled long
+before she saw a king hunting in the park with his nobles. She would
+have shunned him, but the king having a sight of her, made towards her,
+and between her beauty and perfumed breath, was so powerfully smitten
+that he was not able to subdue his passion, but proceeded on his
+courtship, where, after some compliments and kind embraces, he gained
+her love. And bringing her to his palace, he caused her to be clothed in
+the most magnificent manner.
+
+This being ended, and the king finding that she was the king of
+Colchester's daughter, ordered some chariots to be got ready that he
+might pay him a visit. The chariot in which the king and queen rode was
+beautified with rich ornamental gems of gold. The king, her father, was
+at first astonished that his daughter had been so fortunate as she was
+till the young king made him sensible of all that happened. Great was
+the joy at court among the nobility, except the queen and her
+club-footed daughter, who were ready to burst with malice, and envied
+her happiness; and the greater was their madness because she was now
+above them all. Great rejoicings, with feasting and dancing, continued
+many days. Then at length, with the dowry that her father gave her, they
+returned home.
+
+"Well," said the fifth boy, "had she not been kind and beautiful, such
+good fortune had never come to her lot. And pray what became of her
+hump-backed sister-in-law?" "Indeed I know not." "Why, then," said the
+fifth boy, "I can tell you something of her."
+
+
+ TALE V.
+
+She, perceiving that her sister was so happy in seeking her fortune,
+would needs do the same; so disclosing her mind to her mother, all
+preparations were made; not only rich apparel, but sweetmeats, sugar,
+almonds, etc., in great quantities, and a large bottle of Malaga sack.
+Thus furnished she went the same road as her sister, and coming near the
+cave, there sat the old man, who said, "Young woman, whither, so fast?"
+"What is that to you?" said she. Then said he, "What have you in your
+bag and bottle?" She answered, "Good things, what you shall not be
+troubled with." "Won't you give me some?" said he. "No, not a bit nor a
+drop, unless it would choke you." The old man frowned, saying, "Evil
+fortune attend thee." Going on, she came to the hedge, through which she
+espied a gap, where she thought to pass, but going in the hedge closed,
+and the thorns run into her flesh, so that with great difficulty she got
+out. Being now in a bloody condition, she looks for water to wash
+herself, and looking round she saw a well, and sitting down, one of the
+heads came up to her, saying, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down softly."
+But she banged it with her bottle, saying, "Hang you, take this for your
+washing." So the second and third heads came up, and met with no better
+welcome than the first. Whereupon the heads consulted among themselves
+what evils to plague her with for such usage. The first said, "Let her
+be struck with leprosy in her face." The second said, "Let an additional
+stink be added to her breath." The third bestowed on her a husband,
+though but a poor country cobbler. This done, she goes on till she came
+to a market town, and it being market day, the people smelt a stink,
+and seeing such a mangy face, all fled but a poor cobbler, who not long
+before had mended the shoes of an old hermit, who, having no money, gave
+him a box of ointment for the cure of the leprosy, and a bottle of
+spirits for a stinking breath. Now the cobbler having a mind to do an
+act of charity, was minded to try an experiment; so going up to her,
+asked her who she was? "I am," said she, "the king of Colchester's
+daughter-in-law." "Well," said the cobbler, "if I restore you to your
+natural complexion, and make a sound cure both in face and breath, will
+you in reward take me for a husband?" "Yes, friend," replied she, "with
+all my heart." With this the cobbler applied the remedies, and they
+worked the effect in a few weeks, which being done, they were married.
+After some few days spent in town, they set forward for the court at
+Colchester. At length coming there, and the queen understanding she had
+married nothing but a poor cobbler, fell into distraction, and in wrath
+hanged herself. The death of the queen pleased the king much, who was
+glad he had got rid of her so soon. Having buried her, he gave the
+cobbler one hundred pounds, on condition that he and his lady would quit
+the court. The cobbler received it, and promised he would. Then setting
+up his trade in a remote part of the kingdom, they lived many years, he
+mending shoes, and she spinning thread.
+
+Quoth the sixth boy, "I think for a king's daughter she hath spun a very
+fine thread, but now for my story."
+
+
+ TALE VI.
+
+A tinker in our town had but one daughter, whose name was Tib, and
+because her father would not let her marry a miller's man named Jobson,
+nothing would serve her but she must go and seek her fortune, so over
+hills and mountains, through groves and lonesome woods she passed, till
+at length she met with an old woman, who said unto Tib, "Where are you
+going?" "To seek service," says Tib. "Will you live with me?" replied
+the old woman; "my family is small, myself, my cat, and my dog." Tib
+answered, "With all my heart." So home they went to her cottage, which
+stood by the side of a grove on the bank of a pleasant river. She no
+sooner entered in at the door than she beheld the shelves furnished with
+abundance of earthen ware and glasses. She had not lived long with her
+before Tib had committed a fault, for which the old woman was resolved
+to break every bone in her skin. For that end she put her into a sack,
+and having tied the mouth of the same, she went to the grove to cut a
+stick; but while she was gone, Tib with a penknife opened the sack and
+got out; and put the dog and cat into it, filling it up with pans,
+pipkins, etc., then dragged it to the door, that the old woman might not
+come in to miss them, who, on her return, thinking that Tib had rolled
+thither, began to lay on like fury, when the dog howled, the cat mewed,
+and the pipkins cracked; while the old woman cries out, "Ah! howl if you
+will and be poxed, for before you come out of this sack I'll thrash your
+bones to chaff." Now Tib stood at a distance laughing to see how busy
+she was in destroying her own furniture, then fled for it, and never
+after returned.
+
+"It was well she did," replied the seventh boy, "or else the old woman
+would certainly have been revenged on Tib at last. But now for my story,
+which shall be the last at this meeting."
+
+
+ TALE VII.
+
+A young man having found a purse in which was five pounds, he made a
+proclamation that if anyone would lay any just claim to it to come to
+such a tavern, and they would have it again. To the tavern he went,
+where, in meat and drink, he spent a crown. At last when the young man
+was ready to go the owner came and demanded the purse, which he was
+ready to surrender; but the owner, on knowing a crown was spent, would
+not receive it, unless he made up the whole sum. The young man told him
+he could not; so an officer was sent for, but before he came the youth
+took to his heels, and ran for it with that swiftness, that, an ass
+standing in his way, he took hold of his tail to swing himself by, and
+twitched it off. A little farther he overthrew a woman with a child and
+caused her to fall. At length he was taken and brought before a justice
+by the three sufferers. Having heard their complaints he turned to the
+young man, and said, "Young man, several complaints are here laid
+against you, which I shall clear up. First, keep the money you have
+found, and trade with it till you have improved it so far as to make him
+satisfaction, and then let him have it. You take the ass, and work him
+till a new tail grows, then give him to his owner. And you take the
+woman home, till she is as quite recovered as she was before, and then
+send her home to her husband. So with these determinations he dismissed
+them."
+
+
+ TALE VIII.
+
+In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's End of England, namely the
+county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy farmer, who had one only son,
+commonly known by the name Jack Hornby. He was brisk and of a ready wit,
+so that whatever he could not perform by strength, he completed by
+ingenious wit and policy.
+
+For instance, when he was no more than seven years of age, his father
+sent him into the field to look after his oxen. The laird, by chance
+coming across the field, asked Jack many questions, particularly, "How
+many commands there were?" Jack told him there were nine. The laird
+replied there were ten. "Nay," quoth Jack, "sir, you are out of that; it
+is true there were ten, but you broke one of them when you coveted my
+father's bull." The landlord replied, "Thou art an arch wag, Jack."
+
+"But, sir," says Jack, "can you tell me how many sticks goes to build a
+crow's nest?" "Why," says the landlord, "there are as many goes as are
+sufficient for the size of the nest." "Oho, you are out again, sir,"
+quoth Jack, "there is none goes, they are all carried."
+
+The landlord finding himself so fooled, trudged away, leaving Jack in a
+fit of laughter.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE PENNY
+
+ BUDGET OF WIT
+
+ AND
+
+ PACKAGE OF DROLLERY.
+
+ _Scottish Prudence._
+
+
+A parish clerk in the north of England, not long ago, hired a Scotchman
+for his servant, who was to go to the cart and plough, and do other
+occasional jobs when wanted. In the course of conversation at hiring,
+the clerk asked him, if he could submit to the unpleasant business of
+digging graves; to which he exclaimed, "I'll warrant ye, maister, I
+could dig doon the kirk for that matter; but let me see, I hasn't been
+put to that wark yet; aye, our auld bellman at Jedburgh used to say, he
+never had better pay nor better jobs than howking holes for fowk--faith
+he was aye merry when folk dee'd." It happened soon after entering on
+his service, that there was a severe storm of snow, which impeded all
+out-door work. One morning he came to his master, and asked him what
+employment he was to go to that day. The employer hesitated for some
+moments, and at last told him, he could find nothing for him to do.
+Sawney, with great gravity, replied, "I think, maister, I'll awa up to
+the kirkyard an' howk some graves; we may as weel hae a wheen ready, for
+they may come faster in when they ken we are prepared for them."
+
+
+ _Scottish Atmosphere._
+
+An English gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately
+accompanied by wet weather most of the time When he set out from Glasgow
+to Greenock, the morning was very fine. However, before he had proceeded
+half way, he was overtaken by a heavy shower. "Boy," says he to a little
+fellow herding near the road-side, "does it always rain in this
+country!" "Na," replied the boy, "it sometimes snaws."
+
+
+ _Liberty of the Press._
+
+A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers to his family,
+and when expressing the title "Liberty of the Press in France," one of
+his daughters interrupted him by asking what the liberty of the press
+meant? "I'll soon answer that question," said he: "You know when your
+mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, where the
+bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you have access--That's the liberty
+o' the press."
+
+
+ _Donald and the Laird._
+
+A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward; at the first
+English Inn, the room in where they were to sleep contained a bed for
+the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the
+larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook
+the four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the
+tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging below. Finding
+himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know
+how he was accommodated. "Ne'er sae weel a' my life," quoth the gilly.
+"Ha, mon," exclaimed the Laird, "if it wasna for the honour of the
+thing, I could find in my heart to come down."
+
+
+ _How to read a Sign-Board._
+
+A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a sign-board
+above an entry, with the following inscription:--
+
+ Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies,
+ Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of
+ Confectionery Goods
+ sold down this entry,
+ read it as follows:--
+ Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.
+ Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of
+ Confusionery Goods,
+ sold down this entry.
+
+
+ _How to Escape Robbery._
+
+A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between Paisley and
+Greenock on horseback, some time since, had occasion to come off his
+horse, when the reins slipped from among his fingers: the horse finding
+himself at liberty immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed,
+determined to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse. The
+night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till he met with two
+men, whom he accosted with, "Did you see a horse without a rider?" when
+he was immediately collared. He thought it diversion; says he, "That's
+no a way to use a man in the dark;" and endeavouring to shake himself
+clear, when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and firmer
+holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which his deafness
+deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to get clear fruitless, and
+dreading they had nothing in view but an intention to rob him, it
+instantly occurred to him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top
+of his boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulled it
+up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and exclaimed, "If
+you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your brains out in a moment!" They
+jumped over a hedge, and were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man
+called after them, "Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o'
+baith o' you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye dinna
+ken what deadly weapons he carries."
+
+
+ _Daft Will Speirs._
+
+Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay his regular
+daily visit, met his Lordship, who seemed not to notice him. The Earl
+being only on a walk of pleasure through his policies, soon came in
+contact with Will again sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge
+bone. "Ay, ay;" says the Earl, "what this you've got noo, Will." "Ay,
+ay," says Will, "anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed by me awee
+sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me."
+
+
+ _How to find Work._
+
+A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the
+country, took along with him a prentice, when they set to work, and
+continued to work for some days. The gentleman having no conception the
+job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and found the
+apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the
+continuation of them working so long, and inquired what had become of
+his master, to which the boy replied, "He's awa to Glasgow to look for a
+job, and if he got ane, this ane would be done the morn, and if he didna
+get ane, he didna ken when it would be done."
+
+
+ _Will Scott._
+
+A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for his activity in
+the execution of his orders, as well as for taking a bit comfortable
+guzzle when finances would afford it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated
+in a pew behind the bailies at church. Will had not been there long till
+he was soon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated along
+with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin; and in a short
+time the reckoning came a-paying when some of the party insisted it was
+already paid. However, Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true
+to his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of the
+sermon, "No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had just ae
+half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a fardin o't
+pay't."
+
+
+ _Grave-Digger of Sorn._
+
+The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and as mean a sinner
+as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. He was a very querulous
+and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind
+through a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an
+acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked
+how the world was moving with him. "Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly
+indeed," was the answer, "the yard has done nothing ava for us this
+summer,--if you like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this
+sax weeks."
+
+
+ _Scottish Parrot._
+
+A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking itself in the
+sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which happened to be passing over
+it, suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk
+flew with his prey. When passing over a garden Poll observed his old
+friend the gardener, and exclaimed, "I'm ridin' noo, John Laurie." Hawky
+alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when
+after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared
+out with all its might, "Will you bite, you rascal." The hawk terrified
+out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards
+at pleasure.
+
+
+ _The Restless Haggis._
+
+Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow. Babie
+kept a lodging-house for sailors. One Saturday night Babie was making a
+Haggis for Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of
+quick-silver into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will was left
+at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the haggis
+would be out of the pot. Will, faithful to his charge, held the lid on
+the pot until his patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the
+church for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned to her
+two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be
+quiet. At last he bawled out, "Babie, come hame, for I believe the
+de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no bide in the pat; it's out dancing
+on the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have
+been at the kirk as soon's mysel."
+
+
+ _Expense of a Wife._
+
+An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as regards
+food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as some bachelors
+sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the
+propriety of taking a wife. He was very smartly set upon one day, and
+told how snod a wife would keep him, and many other fine things to
+induce him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it would
+be to him, if it was for naething else but to make his parritch in the
+morning. Says he, "I dinna doubt but she wad mak my parritch, but the
+plague is, she wad be fair to sup the hauf o' them."
+
+
+ _An Honest M'Gregor._
+
+Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter (alias sheep-stealer), in the
+north Highlands, being at last overtaken by the grim tyrant of the human
+race, was visited by the minister of the parish, whose appearance,
+however, was by no means agreeable to Donald. The holy man warmly
+exhorted the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and black
+catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise he would have a
+tremendous account to give at the great day of retribution, when all the
+crimes he had committed in this world would appear in dreadful array, as
+evidence of his guilt. "Och! sir," cries the dying man, "an' will a' the
+sheeps an' the cows, an' ilka thing Tonal has helped hersel to, be
+there?" "Undoubtedly," replied the parson. "Then let ilka shentleman tak
+her nain, an' Tonal will be an honest man again."
+
+
+ _Negro and the Musquito._
+
+A West Indian who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in
+his chair, a negro boy who was waiting, observed a musquito hovering
+round his face. Quasi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw
+him alight on his master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah! bless
+your heart," exclaimed the negro, "me right glad see you burn your
+foot."
+
+
+ _A Brush for the Barber._
+
+A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow a few
+days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and after
+having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Twopence," said the
+Highlander. "No, no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny, if that
+does not satisfy you take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and
+asked what he had got to pay? "A penny," said strap. "I'll gie you a
+bawbee," said Duncan, "an' if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard
+again."
+
+
+ _The Kellochsyde Grace._
+
+The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer of
+Kellochsyde, or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:--"O Lord, we'r ay gangan, an
+we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be coman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We
+leive in the gude mailen o' Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale,
+puir sinfou sons of evil that we are. Monie mercies we receive gude
+trowth; and we're little thankfou for them, gude feth Janet, rax by the
+spunes, and a' praise and glory sall be thine. Amen."
+
+
+ _New Method of Teaching Music._
+
+A Highland piper having a scholar to teach, disdained to crack his mind
+with the names of semibreves, minims, crotchets, and quivers--"Here,
+Donald," said he, "tak your pipies, lad, and gi's a blast--so, very weel
+blaun indeed; but what is sound Donald without sense?--ye may blaw for
+ever, without makin' a tune o't, if I dinna tell you how thae queer
+things on the paper maun help you--you see that big fellow wi' a round
+open face (pointing to a semibreve between the two lines of the bar), he
+moves slowly, slowly, from that line to this, while you beat ane wi'
+your fit, and gi'e a blast: if now ye put a leg to him, ye mak' twa o'
+him and he'll move twice as fast; gif ye black his face, he'll rin four
+times faster than the fallow wi' the white face; but if, after blackin'
+his face, ye'll bend his knee, or tie his legs, he'll trop eight times
+faster than the white faced chap that I showed you first. Now, whene'er
+you blaw your pipes, Donald, remember this, the tighter the fallow's
+legs are tied, the faster they will rin, and the quicker they are sure
+to dance."
+
+
+ _Long-Winded Preacher._
+
+A Parson in the country taking his text in St. Matthew, chapter viii.
+verse 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for
+three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after two fellows going
+across the churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other
+who it was for. "Nay I can't tell; perhaps," replied he, "it's for
+Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three
+weeks."
+
+
+ _Distinction of Sons and Daughters._
+
+About the year thretty-sax, a company differed "Whether it was better
+for a man to ha'e sons or dochters." They could not 'gree, but disputed
+it _pro_ and _con_. At last one of them said to Graham of Kinross (wha
+hadna yoked wi' them in the argument), "Laird, what's your opinion?"
+Quo' he, "I had three lads and three lassies; I watna whilk o' them I
+liked best say lang as they sucket their mither; but de'll ha'e my share
+o' the callants when they cam to suck their father."
+
+
+ _Patrimony and Matrimony._
+
+At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman asked one of the
+scholars by what name they called property that descended from a father?
+"Patrimony," answered the scholar; "And what do you call it when
+descended from a mother?" "Matrimony," was the reply.
+
+
+ _An Officer's Wife._
+
+One of the town's officers of Ayr was struck severely by accident on the
+head by his wife. After the fray was adjusted, the wife said to her
+husband, "Henry, had I killed you, and I been hanged for it, would you
+marry Kate M'Lauchlan?"
+
+
+ _Highlander and Parrot._
+
+An honest Highlander walking along Holborn, heard a cry, "Rogue Scot,
+Rogue Scot." His northern blood fired at the insult, drew his broad
+sword, looking round him on every side to discover the object of
+indignation. At last he found it came from a parrot, perched on a
+balcony within his reach, but the generous Scot disdaining to stain his
+trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a
+sour smile, saying, "Gin ye were a man, as ye're a green geese, I would
+split your weem."
+
+
+ _An Irishman._
+
+An Irishman one day was walking on the streets of Belfast, found a light
+guinea, and got 18s. for it. Next day he was walking, and sees another,
+and says, "Allelieu, dear honey, I'll have nothing to do with you, for I
+lost 3s. by your brother yesterday."
+
+
+ _Captain Silk._
+
+In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had
+arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, "What a name for a
+soldier!" "The fittest name in the world," replied a witty female, "for
+Silk can never be Worsted."
+
+
+ _A Clever Son._
+
+A Farmer's son, who had been some time at the university, came home to
+visit his father and mother; and being one night with the old folks at
+supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by the rules of logic
+and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls to be three. "Well, let
+us hear," said the old man. "Why, this," said the scholar, "is one and
+this," continued he, "is two; two and one, you know, make three." "Since
+you ha'e made it out sae weel," answered the old man, "your mother shall
+ha'e the first fowl, I'll ha'e the second, and the third you may keep to
+yoursel."
+
+
+ _Breaking the Commandments._
+
+A Clergyman who wished to know whether the children of the parishioners
+understood their Bibles, asked a lad that he one day found reading the
+Old Testament, who was the wickedest man? "Moses, to be sure," said the
+boy. "Moses!" exclaimed the parson, "how can that be?" "Why," said the
+lad, "because he broke all the commandments at once."
+
+
+ _Not Lost but Drowned._
+
+A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, came to the ford
+of a dark river, at the side of which a boy was diverting himself. The
+traveller addressed him as follows:--"Is this water deep?" "Ay, gaen
+deep," answered the boy. "Is there ever any person lost here?" "No,"
+replied the boy, "there was never any lost; there has been some drowned,
+but we aye get them again."
+
+
+ _A Just Remark._
+
+A certain son of St. Crispian, who resides in Paisley, lifting up his
+four cornered hat the other morning in a hurry, found it filled with his
+wife's fal-de-ral-lals; in a fit of wrath he exclaimed "Gudesake, Janet,
+what the de'il gars you stap a' the trash in the house intil a body's
+hat." "Trash, indeed!" exclaimed the indignant spouse, "stap it on your
+ain head, and the biggest trash in the house'll be in't."
+
+
+ _Scotchman and Irishman._
+
+A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn together. The
+weather being rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of
+the bed. A traveller, in passing the room door, saw him in this
+situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon
+Sawney's heel; who drawing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his
+companion, that he exclaimed, "Arrah, honey, have a care of your great
+toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv." The Scotchman
+being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by
+other companies, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his patience being
+quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney, who, not a little surprised
+at finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, "De'il tak' the daft
+chiel of a hostler, he's ta'en my boots aff last night and left on the
+spur."
+
+
+ _Charity._
+
+A person who resides in the ancient town of Kilwinning, was proverbial
+for his liberality in meat and drink to friends and acquaintances.
+Strangers, too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of
+kindness. Lately while feasting nearly a dozen of random visitors on
+"Pat Luck," a beggar called at the door soliciting charity, when he very
+good humouredly called out, "I canna help you the day, I ha'e plenty o'
+your kin' here already."
+
+
+
+
+ _Shooting the Devil._
+
+
+A Scotch parson preaching upon these words, "Resist the devil, and he
+will fly from you," began thus:--"My beloved, you are all here to-day,
+but wot ye who is among ye, even the meikle horned devil. You cannot see
+him, but by the eye of faith I see him. But some of you say, what will
+we do with him now we have him here? How shall we destroy him? We will
+hang him. Alas, my beloved, there are not so many tows in the parish as
+will hang him, he is as light as a feather. Then some of you will say we
+will drown him. Humph, my beloved, there is owre muckle cork in his leg,
+he's as souple as an eel, he will not sink. Others of you will say, we
+will burn him. Na, na, sirs, you may scald yourselves, but you canna
+burn him, for a' the fire in Hades could never yet singe a hair o' his
+tail. Now, sirs, ye canna find a way among you all to kill him, but I
+will find it. What way will this be, sirs? We will even shoot him.
+Wherewith shall we shoot him? We shall shoot him with the Bible. Now,
+sirs, I shall shoot him presently." So, presenting the Bible, as
+soldiers do their muskets, he cries out, "Toot! toot! toot! Now he is
+shot. There lies the foul thief as dead as a herring."
+
+
+
+
+ _Long Credit._
+
+
+Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through
+the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm house of Swanston, near the
+Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They
+immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon finding a web of
+coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as
+they thought would make a coat to each. The woman was exceedingly
+incensed at their rapacity, roared and cried, and even had the hardihood
+to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried,
+"ye'll ha'e to account for this yet." "And when will we pe account
+for't?" asked one of the Highlanders. "At the last day, ye blackguards!"
+exclaimed the woman. "Ta last day," replied the Highlander; "Tat be coot
+lang chredit-we'll e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time
+cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.
+
+
+
+
+ _Bird's Nest._
+
+
+The mother of a respectable grocer in a town in the west, called her son
+to her, while on her death bed, and declared to him that his reputed
+father was not really his father; but that such a one (naming him)
+really was his father; and that the deed was done one night when
+travelling from Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head. This story got
+wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine source of
+amusement for some time. One day a boy vulgarly named the "Linty," went
+into the said grocer's shop to purchase some article, when he was
+assailed with "Weel Linty, whar is'tu gaun to big thy nest the year?"
+The boy replied, "I was thinkin' to big it doon about the
+Clun-Brae-Head."
+
+
+
+
+ _Elder's Hours._
+
+
+A cunning carle invested with the semi-sacred office of "Ruling Elder,"
+or practically seemingly identified with that office, in order to
+gratify an inclination, scratched wi' the neb o' a fork the figure 10 on
+the one side of his outer door, and figure 11 on the other; by which
+plan he was able to say wi' "a good conscience," at a' times, and on a'
+occasions, that he came aye hame atween ten and eleven.
+
+
+
+
+ _The Thistle._
+
+
+A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, an Englishman
+took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty
+boast of its motto, "Nemo me impune lacessit," when a Scotchman present
+observed, "The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scotish nation, but it
+is nothing in the mouth of an ass."
+
+
+
+
+ _Cold Gentleman._
+
+
+In the west of Scotland, some time ago, there happened to be an auction
+of books. A book-buyer who attended the sale, was summoned by his son to
+supper, according to the directions of his mother. The boy flurried by
+the presence of the audience, and in his attempt to be as explicit
+as possible, thus cried out, "Fayther, yer parritch is ready." "Very well,
+my dear," said the father, and at the door gave him a salute _a
+posteriori_, which was repeated with the following injunction--"Recollect
+rascal, when you come again, to say _a gentleman_ wants me." Next evening
+up comes the boy according to direction. "Is my Fayther here?" "Yes,"
+said the father. "_A gentleman_ wants ye." "Very well, my man," was
+repeated by the boy's parent; but little time elapsed when the boy
+returned; "What now, my man," said the old book worm. "Oh naething,"
+said his son, "but gin ye dinna rin fast _the gentleman_ will
+be quite cauld."
+
+
+
+
+ _Dougal Graham._
+
+
+Dougal Graham, author of the well-known metrical history of the
+rebellion in 1745, being candidate for the place of town bellman in the
+City of Glasgow, was desired to call "Gude fresh herrings new come in at
+the Broomielaw." It not being the season for herrings, Dougal added,
+
+"But, indeed, my friends, it's a blaeflum,
+
+"For the herrings no catch'd, and the boats no come," which procured for
+Dougal the situation.
+
+Dougal was a kind of Scotch Æsop, he had a large humph on one of his
+shoulders, and like his patrotype had wit. Calling in the street of the
+Gallowgate, opposite the Saracen's Head Inn, where several officers of
+the gallant 42d regiment were dining, at the close of the American war,
+some of whom knew Dougal before they went abroad, opening the window,
+called out, "What's that you've got on your back, Dougal?" Knowing what
+the regiment suffered at Bunker's Hill, Dougal replied, "It's _Bunker's
+Hill_; do you choose to mount?"
+
+
+
+
+ _A New Way to Wauken Sleepers in Church._
+
+
+Mr. Ogilvie, minister of the parish of Lunan in the county of Forfar,
+had a great deal of eccentricity in his composition. One Sunday an old
+woman, who kept a public-house in the parish, with whom Mr. Ogilvie was
+well acquainted, fell asleep in the church during sermon--not an
+uncommon occurrence. Her neighbour kept jogging in order to awake her.
+Mr. Ogilvie observing this, cried out, "Let her alane, I'll wauken her
+mysel', I'll warrant ye." "Phew! Phew! (_whistling_) a bottle o' ale and
+a dram, Janet." "Comin', sir," was instantly replied. "There now," says
+the minister, "I tald ye it wadna be lang afore I waken'd her."
+
+
+
+
+ _Sage Instruction._
+
+
+A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of Perthshire,
+whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire out of the house.
+Janet says to him--"Oh! you be gang awa', Duncan, gang awa'!" The man,
+however, kept loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with
+something of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, "You speak
+a me, Shanet! you speak a me." The wife asks, "What you say, Duncan?"
+"Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!"
+"What for Duncan?" "Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet, an' tell _him to make
+her a laddie_."
+
+
+
+
+ _The Purse and the Penny Siller._
+
+
+Three young Highlanders, some years ago, set out from their native
+hills, to seek a livelihood amongst their countrymen in the Lowlands.
+They had hardly learned any English. One of them could say, "We three
+Highlandmen;" the second, "For the purse and the penny siller;" and the
+third had properly learned, "And our just right too;" intending thus to
+explain the motives o' their journey. They trudged along, when, in a
+lonely glen, they saw the body of a man who had been recently murdered.
+The Highlanders stopped to deplore the fate of the unhappy mortal, when
+a gentleman with his servant came up to the spot. "Who murdered this
+poor man?" said the gentleman, "We three Highlandmen," answered the
+eldest of the brothers (thinking the gentleman inquired who they were).
+"What could induce you to commit so horrid a crime?" continued the
+gentleman. "The Purse and the Penny Siller," replied the second of the
+travellers. "You shall be hanged, you miscreants!" "And our just right
+too," returned the third. The poor men were thus brought to the gallows
+on their own evidence, and presumption of guilt.
+
+
+
+
+ _Lump of Old Wood._
+
+
+An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three-footed stool in
+the gallery of the old Church of Falkirk, during divine service happened
+to fall asleep, tumbled on the floor with a great noise. The preacher
+stopped and demanded the reason of the noise. "Nothing, sir," cries a
+wag, "but a lump of Old Wood fallen down."
+
+
+
+
+ _The Great Want._
+
+
+A female pauper lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the
+elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d. Some
+one of the grave quorum inquired what made her so urgent on this
+occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals, shoes, etc. To this
+she replied, "Why, deed, sirs, it's just to buy a pair o' corsets to my
+daughter Tibbie, ilk lass that's ocht respectable has them but hersel',
+so ye see she canna do wantin them, an' ye maun e'en let me ha't sirs."
+
+
+
+
+ _The Devil Defined._
+
+
+The Rev. Mr. Shirra, burgher minister in Kirkcaldy, once gave the
+following curious definition of the devil:--"The devil, my brethren, is
+ill ony way ye'll tak him. Tak' the D from his name, he's _evil_; tak'
+the E from his name, he's _vil_; tak' the V from his name, he's _il_;"
+then shrugging up his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout,
+he said with peculiar emphasis, "He's naething but an _il_, _vil_,
+_evil_, Devil, ony way ye'll tak' him!"
+
+
+
+
+ _Mark me Well._
+
+
+A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately met a boy going with a
+pot of tar to mark his master's sheep, asked the road to Banff, but was
+directing by so many turnings, right and left, that he agreed to take
+the boy behind him on the horse as he was going near to the same place.
+Finding the boy pert and docile, he gave him some wholesome advice
+relative to his future conduct, adding occasionally, "Mark me well, my
+boy." "Yes, sir, I do." He repeated the injunction so often, that the
+boy at last cried out, "Sir, I have no more tar!"
+
+
+
+
+ _Death of a Watch._
+
+
+After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed
+extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer, who had been
+killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye, which the man taking
+notice of said to him, "Tamn you gapin' greedy bitch, gang and shoot a
+shentleman for hersel', an' no envie me o' my pit watch."
+
+Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his comrade, says
+to him, "Och! she no be care muckle about a watch, an' you be like mine,
+what will ye gi'e me for her?" The other replied, "I be venture a
+kinny." "Weel then," said the other, "Shust tak her, an' welcome, for
+she be die yester night."
+
+
+
+
+ _Our Lawful Sovereign._
+
+
+An English Officer Dining With Lord Saltoon Some Years After the Battle
+of Culloden, his Lordship was adverting to the strong attachment
+manifested by the generality of Buchan to the unfortunate house of
+Stuart, and particularly remarked the devoted loyalty of his gardener,
+whom no bribe or entreaty could in the smallest degree influence. "I'll
+bet 50 guineas," said the Englishman, "that I shall make him drink the
+health of King George." "Done!" replied his Lordship. The honest
+gardener was called in. The officer began by praising his fidelity and
+loyalty to his prince; pressed him to drink some glasses of wine; and
+when he thought him a little off his guard from the effects of the
+generous liquor, he began thus:--"Now, my friend, I know you are a good
+Christian and wish well to every human being; you can certainly have no
+objection to drink the health of King George? Come, my worthy fellow, a
+bumper to the health of his Majesty." "Here's to the health of our
+_lawful_ Sovereign," said the gardener. "Bless you, sir," cried the
+officer, "That's not King George?" "I am very much of your opinion,"
+replied the man, making a profound bow and retiring.
+
+
+
+
+ _Down the Rotten Row._
+
+
+A few years ago, when resurrectionists throughout the country were
+become very common, a person of respectability was interred in the High
+Church burying ground of Glasgow. The relatives who were persons of
+property, hired a few hungry weavers, who generally at that time were
+_atomies_ ready made, to watch the grave of their deceased relative;
+these, as they were one night on duty, perceived some persons enter, the
+churchyard; they kept snug till such time as they could learn the object
+of their visit. It was not long before the intruders opened a grave,
+took out the corpse, put it into a sack and left it at the grave, and
+went in search of something else. One of the weavers, a droll fellow,
+said to his comrade, "Take out the corpse, and I'll go into the sack,
+but do you observe the proceedings." In a little time the resurrection
+men returned, and one of them getting the sack upon his back marched
+off. When they got to the street, the one says to the other, "Which way
+will we take?" When the weaver putting out his hand and gripping the
+fellow who was carrying him, by the hair, bawled out, "Down the Rotten
+Raw, ye beggar." He was soon set down, and the man who carried him went
+mad of the fright.
+
+
+
+
+ _Resurrection Men._
+
+
+Some years ago, a poor boy, whose mother was buried in the churchyard of
+Falkirk, used frequently to sit on her grave, and when destitute of
+other accommodation, would crawl in below one of the gravestones, and
+slept there for the night. On one of these occasions, the boy was roused
+from his sleep by the noise of some voices in the churchyard. This was
+nothing more than a couple of resurrection men who had come on purpose
+to begin that great work rather prematurely; and as those who are raised
+before their due time cannot be supposed capable of standing on their
+legs, they had provided themselves with a horse to gi'e them a lift.
+They were then disputing about how they could secure the beast, while
+they were raising the corpse. The lad hearing this, and creeping out of
+his hole, cries, "I'll haud him," expecting some remuneration no doubt.
+The fellows seeing a resurrection commencing from under a stone, and
+hearing the offer of holding the horse, scampered off and left the
+animal, with a couple of sacks; and although the horse and sacks were
+advertised, they were never claimed, but sold for the benefit of the
+boy, which procured him better lodging than beneath a grave stone.
+
+
+
+
+ _March of Intellect._
+
+
+Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyle Street,
+Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, "No dogs to enter here." "No dogs
+to enter here!" exclaimed one of them, "I'm sure there's no use for that
+there." "What way, Jock," replied the other. "'Cause dogs canna read
+signs," said he. "Ha, ha, Jock, ye're maybe wrang, I'se warran ye gentle
+folks' dogs 'ill ken't brawly, for there's schools, noo, whar they learn
+the dumb baith to read and speak."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ MERRY CONCEITS
+
+ OF
+
+ TOM LONG
+
+ THE CARRIER
+
+ Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which
+ he observed in his Travels.
+
+ _Full of Honest Mirth and Delight._
+
+
+ Of all the Toms that ever yet was named,
+ Was ever any Tom like Tom Long framed?
+ Tom Tram, who now as many mad pranks shows,
+ Unto Tom Long will prove a mere goose.
+
+ Tom Thumb is dumb, until the pudding creep,
+ In which he was entomb'd, then out doth peep;
+ Tom Fool may go to school, but ne'er be taught,
+ Such rare conceits with which Tom Long is fraught.
+
+ Tom Ass may pass, but only for his ears,
+ No such rich jewels as our Tom Long he wears;
+ Tom Tell-truth is but froth, but truth to tell,
+ From all these Toms, Tom Long doth bear the bell.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _How Tom Long at first set up the trade of being a Carrier,
+ and where he took up his Lodging._
+
+
+Tom Long, the subject of this discourse, having spent some few years
+like a wandering Jew, oft visiting the coasts of Essex and Kent, where
+he did many notable exploits, sometimes cheating the calves-heads of
+their money, by the virtue of hocus pocus, having learned the art of
+legerdemain. Other times he used, as opportunity served, to rob the
+hen-roost. At last, his cheating tricks were so well known, that the
+country kicked him out like a knave as he was, and he was willing to be
+gone as they to be rid of him, soon gave them three slips for a teaster,
+and travelled towards Gotham, where he, well knowing what wit those wise
+men had in their noddles, took up his abode near the place where the men
+made a hedge to keep in the cuckoo all the year. Not long after, he set
+up his trade of being a carrier; under pretence of which he with ease
+played his pranks, and the wisdom of these men was such, that he cheated
+them of all, and yet the fools had no mistrust of him. And having set
+him up, he found great store of small doings, and above all others, the
+men of Gotham and Dunstable would employ him; who, being more knave than
+fool, ever advised some cheating trick or other to gull those idiots;
+for let him go out ever so full, he would be sure to come home empty,
+telling them one mischance or other had befallen him. He took up his
+lodging at the sign of the Whip and Egg-Shell in Thieving Lane, not far
+from Charing Cross, where Dunstable men are sure to find him; if not,
+they may go into Turn-again Lane, and come back again as wise as they
+went in.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man upon
+ the way, with what happened to them,
+ and how they were entertained by an Hostess._
+
+
+Tom Long being newly set up a carrier, as he was travelling he happened
+to take up a young lad, who had straggled from his parents to play the
+truant, which Tom perceiving, entertained him into his service; but they
+had not gone far before their stomachs were up, so they resolved at the
+next place to take a bit, where, as soon as they came, they demanded
+what was for to eat. The hostess, being one of Seldom Cleanly's
+daughters, said there was nothing but eggs, of which, she said, she
+would make them a froize; and seeing them to come in, in a full breast
+and an empty stomach, she (like a slut as she was) resolved to give them
+their bellies full before they went; and so, with some three or four
+good eggs, she mixed as many bad ones, some addle and rotten, and others
+ready for to hatch; and having set them down at a certain wash block,
+which served instead of a table, she set before them as good a froize as
+any woman possibly could make of coarse materials, making her sauce
+alike suitable, being nothing else but kitchen stuff melted a
+little--oil as good as ever was burned. Tom and the young man fell
+presently to it, with stomachs as greedy as hogs, swallowing down all by
+wholesale, tag-rag and long-tail, without any chewing, although they
+conceited something cracking in their teeth like young bones. Yet
+hunger, which is the best sauce, made every morsel sweet, although it
+had but an ill going down with it, and worse troubled their patience
+afterwards, for they had no sooner eaten of it, but like squeezy
+stomachs they began to cast backwards and forwards; and being in this
+pitiful pickle, they called for their hostess, who, thinking to receive
+her reckoning, was paid in her own coin; for, having some of their
+froize left, Tom furiously cast it on her face, which stuck as fast as
+a plaister to the wall, insomuch that for a while she lost her eyesight;
+which being done, Tom departed without paying anything for his dinner.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How Tom and his Young Man discoursed of their Dinner,
+ and how they resolved to mend the matter at night,
+ but met with as bad Entertainment._
+
+
+Tom and his man being now on their way, began to discourse of their
+dinner, and how prettily they served their hostess; but still conceited
+that they heard these young chickens which they had eaten in their
+froize cry, "Peep, peep, peep," and having cast up all again, their
+bellies began to cry "Cupboard," whereupon Tom, to comfort his young
+man, told him they would be sure to have a good host at night, and good
+fare to. But "like to like," quoth the devil to the collier, out of the
+frying-pan into the fire; for their new host proved not only a knave,
+but a thief, and instead of dainty veal, provided for them part of a
+young colt, which, being foaled before its time, ate very tenderly; and
+going to supper, the host, like a flattering knave, told them he would
+feast them bravely; and they, not mistrusting anything, fed most
+courageously, having for to please their pallets several kinds of dishes
+made thereof, the host still crying, "You are welcome, gentlemen,"--all
+which they swallowed down as greedily as the lawyer his fee. And having
+filled their ungodly guts with this supposed good cheer, they hastened
+to bed, where the fleas fed as fast on their corpse as they had done
+upon this new found veal, insomuch that they looked as if they had the
+smallpox. In the morning (thinking to have breakfast of the same) they
+missed their coats and other things, which their host had thievishly
+deprived them of. So, searching the house about, they found hanging in a
+corner some pieces of flesh, which they supposed to be part of the veal
+they had eaten of; but by the ears of the skin which hanged by, they saw
+plainly it was an ass, and that they were once more made fools of;
+whereupon Tom caused his host to be apprehended, who was committed to
+prison about their goods, where Tom left him and departed.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _Tom relates how a certain counterfeit Merchant cheated
+ divers Gentlemen of very great sums of Money._
+
+
+In the North of England arrived a pretended merchant, but, indeed, a
+very cheating knave, who, residing there a while, came to be greatly
+acquainted with divers gentlemen, who, looking on him as one of great
+account, at last he received several great sums of money which he was to
+pay at London, upon the receipt of which he gave every man a bill of
+exchange, receiving of some twenty pounds, some thirty, some forty,
+fifty, some a hundred pounds; and, having pretty well feathered his
+nest, leaving those gentlemen to receive their money where they could
+get it, he departed beyond sea; and when the gentlemen came to receive
+their money, they could neither find nor hear of their merchant: whereat
+they were very much vexed, as well as they might be, to see how they
+were cheated of their money. But their hopes are that they shall have it
+brought them again by Tom Long the Carrier.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _Of the great request that Tom Long was in, and how the
+ wise Mayor of Huntingdon seized on Tom's
+ ragged Colt for a Sturgeon._
+
+
+Tom Long having been a carrier for many years, grew in great request,
+and though he was not very well beloved, yet he was sure to have many
+customers that he got carriage of, especially the country farmers, who
+often used to send tokens by him to their friends, as gammons of bacon,
+collars of brawn, pies, and other good things, and now and then small
+pieces of silver from Dunstable men: all which Tom ever made use of
+himself, though they perceived it not; for by reason they sent by Tom
+Long the Carrier, they could never receive any answer about what he
+brought. Also, all the broken shopkeepers and decayed gentlemen sent
+their creditors' debts by Tom Long the Carrier.
+
+But it happened that, as Tom was going to London, he chanced to be at
+Huntingdon, where, putting his horses to grass, amongst which he had a
+young ragged colt,--this colt having straggled down into the river,
+certain wise men of the town coming by, that had been at Gotham, thought
+it had been a sturgeon, and thereupon acquainted the Right Wisdom-Fool
+the Mayor of it, who assembled together his wise brethren, made a very
+wise speech to them, and acquainted them therewith, who very unanimously
+accompanied his foolship; and, after a deep consultation, they all
+agreed to seize the poor colt for a sturgeon; but carrying it with great
+triumph into the town, the inhabitants, who were wiser than the rest,
+exceedingly laughed them to scorn for their great folly. And so Tom,
+promising the Mayor to bring him a piece of sturgeon at his return, he
+had his colt again.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _A Story of the Seven Sleepers, who slept above three
+ hundred years, and not yet awakened._
+
+
+In a great city there lived several men who for their religion were
+forced to fly for their lives, and not far from the city was an ancient
+cave under a hill, in which these men entered to secure and refresh
+themselves; but their persecutors, hearing where they were, stopped up
+the mouth of the cave, intending to famish them therein; and they, not
+knowing what was done, so soon as they had refreshed their bodies with
+victuals, laid themselves down to sleep, and so continued sleeping very
+sound a long season, until such time as in after ages a shepherd,
+intending to make himself a harbour, set divers masons to work to dig in
+this cave, who, with the noise, awakened the men who had been asleep so
+long therein. The cave being opened, they, thinking it to be day, and
+had slept but one night, sent one of their company privately into the
+city for food, for in all this time they had eaten nothing, and well
+they might be hungry; so, coming to the town; he found all things
+altered, the inhabitants being other kind of people, as he supposed,
+than he left the night before. So going to buy some bread, the people
+refused to take his money, saying they knew not the coin, at which he
+greatly marvelled. But inquiring further, he found that since their
+being there three generations had been dead and gone, and a fourth in
+being; and by computation of time, it appeared they had slept above
+three hundred years, and lay all this time in their clothes, which were
+no whit decayed, whereat the people all wondered; and Tom Long the
+Carrier, staying all the time they slept to see when they would awake,
+at last brought the news with him.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _How Tom Long the Carrier sold his Horse for the Skin,
+ supposing him to be dead; and how a crafty
+ fellow coming by knew what the Horse ailed, and so
+ bought him._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, travelling on the road, chances to put his horse
+in a field that was overgrown with hemlock, which Tom's horse, having
+had no meat all day, ate so greedily on, that it cast him into so sound
+a sleep that Tom thought he had been dead. Being thus sorely crossed, as
+he supposed, he began to flay his skin off to sell, whereupon a crafty
+fellow coming by that way, well knew what the horse ailed, bought him
+for the price of the skin, and paid Tom the money. He departed,
+appointing to fetch the horse the very next morning. And when he came on
+the morrow, the horse was awakened out of his sleep, and got upon his
+legs again; which, when Tom perceived, he was sorely vexed at his
+foolish bargain; but his chapman laughed him to scorn for his folly, and
+so departed with his horse.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _How Tom, Long the Carrier converted all his Carriage to
+ his own use, and thereby recruited himself with another
+ Horse, and of a sad mischance that befel his Horse._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, seeing himself thus fooled out of his horse,
+resolved not to bear all the loss himself, and so converted all his
+carriage into money, and returning home, pretended he had been robbed of
+his horse and all his carriage. Not long after, Tom being willing to set
+up again, purchased with his money a new horse; but ill-gotten goods
+seldom thrive. So Tom, having a horse again, received divers things to
+carry from divers places, especially from the wise men of Gotham, who
+were the best customers Tom Long the Carrier had. But being on his way
+not far from his inn, he chanced to spy a fine plot of grass under a
+hedge in a corn field, under which Tom, to save charges, secretly
+conveyed his mare, tying her to the hedge with a cord, and so left her.
+But the mare, like an unruly jade, not being willing to be confined in
+so narrow a compass, was minded to see what fare was on the other side
+of the hedge, and foolishly venturing to leap over, very unfortunately
+hanged herself, whose untimely death had then nigh broke the heart of
+poor Tom Long; and his grief was the more by reason she died without any
+visitation.
+
+ Tom nine ways looks, and needs must vexed be;
+ Now bought wit's best, Tom Long doth plainly see.
+ Tom tells he's robbed, and counteth all his losses,
+ And is in hopes he shall have no more crosses.
+ "Come, lads, all's gone," Tom takes his comfort then;
+ He will be repaid by other men.
+ Now many men do Tom Long dispraise,
+ Saying, "He has small conscience in his ways,
+ But sure I'll lay no such fault to his charge;
+ I rather think his conscience was too large."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _How Tom Long the Carrier was assaulted by a Dog, and
+ how valiantly he defended himself, and killed him._
+
+
+As Tom Long the Carrier was travelling between Dover and Westchester, he
+fortuned to pass something near a house, where was kept a great mastiff
+dog, who, as soon as he had espied Tom, came running open mouthed at
+him, and so furiously assaulted him, as if he meant to devour him at a
+bite. But Tom, having in his hand a good pikestaff, most valiantly
+defended himself like a man, and to withstand the danger, he thrust the
+pike-end of his staff into his throat, and so killed him. Whereupon the
+owner thereof, seeing his dog lost, comes earnestly unto Tom, and
+between threatening and chiding, asking him why he struck him not with
+the great end of the staff? "Marry," quoth he, "because your dog runs
+not at me with his tail."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ _Of a merry conceited Jest brought to Town by Tom._
+
+
+A certain king kept a fool to be his jester, whose manner was to set
+down in a note-book, which he kept for that purpose, all the follies
+that he saw committed in or about the court, or at least write so many
+as he discovered. So, upon a time, a certain Italian horse-courser
+arrived at the court who professed great skill in horsemanship, and it
+being declared unto the king, he presently sent him with three thousand
+pounds to buy horses in a far country, which this fool hearing of, put
+down in his note-book among the rest. When the king heard that, he was
+much offended, and would needs know of Jack Lackwit why he had set him
+down in his note. "Because," quoth the fool, "I think he will come no
+more to you." "But what if he does come again?" said the king. "Why,
+then," said the fool, "I will take you out and put him in."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XI.
+
+ _Of the Hard Lodging which Tom Long the Carrier found on
+ the Ground, having under him but one Poor Feather._
+
+
+Tom Long, by reason of the great loss of his horses, became very poor,
+and so turned foot-post; and being in a wearisome condition, he was
+forced, having not coin to pay for better, to take up his lodging on the
+ground, where, tumbling and tossing, he could hardly rest all night; and
+stirring himself betimes in the morning, he espied under him one
+feather. "Now," quoth Tom, "I see what was the cause of my trouble that
+I could not sleep all the night. I wonder, seeing I found such hard
+lodging upon one feather, how they do that lie upon thousands."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XII.
+
+ _How Tom Long cozened two Shoemakers out of a
+ pair of Shoes._
+
+
+Tom Long being now a foot-post, with hard travelling had worn his shoes
+so very thin that he was in great danger to lose soles and all;
+whereupon Tom came to refresh himself, after which he sent for a
+shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes.
+
+Now Tom, having no coin left, resolved to try his wits; so drawing on
+one of the shoes, he said it fitted well; but drawing on the other, he
+complained that it pinched his foot and was too low in the instep;
+whereupon he desired the shoemaker to take that shoe home and let it
+stand in the last for an hour or two, and he would stay so long. As soon
+as he was gone Tom pulled off the other shoe, and sent for another
+shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes, which he did; so, drawing on one
+of them on the other foot, he said it pinched him likewise, and so
+wished him also to take that shoe home, and let it stand for an hour on
+the last, and then come again. But the shoemakers saw the last of their
+shoes, for when they came again Tom Long was gone, leaving these verses
+behind them:--
+
+ "Whom seek ye, sirs--Tom Long? Oh, fie upon
+ Your tediousness, he's long since gone;
+ He went a good while since, no question store
+ Are glad, who vex'd he did not go before;
+ And some are griev'd he went so soon away,
+ The reason was, he could no longer stay;
+ Nor is it a wonder that he thus is gone,
+ Since all men know he long was drawing on."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIII.
+
+ _Witty Conceits of Tom Long the Carrier._
+
+
+Tom Long the Carrier, upon a time, asked a merry conceited fellow which
+was the best husband for a young wench to marry. "Marry," quoth the
+fellow, "an old man, for then he shall be sure to be proud of her."
+Another standing by asked Tom Long the Carrier what trade he thought to
+be best? "Marry," quoth Tom, "a cut-purse; for he hath no sooner done
+his work but he hath his money in his hand."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIV.
+
+ _The Conclusion of the Merry Conceits of Tom Long
+ the Carrier._
+
+ Tom Long the Carrier coming to an inn,
+ Asked the maid what meat there was within?
+ "Cow-heels," said she, "and a fine breast of mutton."
+ "Then," said Tom, "since that I am no glutton,
+ Either or both shall serve--to-night the breast,
+ The heels in the morning, when light meat is best."
+ At night he took the breast, and did not pay,
+ And in the morning took his heels and ran away.
+ When the worst is past, all things begin to mend,
+ And here the brave story of Tom Long doth end.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ STORY OF
+
+ BLUE BEARD
+
+ OR THE
+
+ EFFECTS OF FEMALE CURIOSITY.
+
+
+There was, some time ago, a gentleman who was extremely rich. He had
+elegant town and country houses; his dishes and plates were of gold and
+silver; his rooms were hung with damask; his chairs and sofas were
+covered with the richest silks, and his carriages were all magnificently
+gilt with gold.
+
+But, unfortunately, this gentleman had a blue beard, which made him so
+very frightful and ugly that none of the ladies in the neighbourhood
+would venture to go into his company.
+
+It happened that a lady of quality, who lived very near him, had two
+daughters, who were both extremely beautiful. Blue Beard asked her to
+bestow one of them upon him in marriage, leaving to herself the choice
+which of the two it should be.
+
+They both, however, again and again refused to marry Blue Beard; but, to
+be as civil as possible, they each pretended that they refused because
+she would not deprive her sister of the opportunity of marrying so much
+to her advantage. But the truth was they could not bear the thoughts of
+having a husband with a blue beard, and, besides, they had heard of his
+having already been married to several wives, and nobody could tell what
+had afterwards become of them.
+
+As Blue Beard wished very much to gain their favour, he invited the lady
+and her daughters, and some ladies who were on a visit at their house,
+to accompany him to one of his country seats, where they spent a whole
+week, during which nothing was thought of but parties for hunting and
+fishing, music, dancing, collations, and the most delightful
+entertainments. No one thought of going to bed, and the nights were
+passed in merriment of every kind.
+
+In short, the time had passed so agreeably that the youngest of the two
+sisters began to think that the beard which had so much terrified her
+was not so very blue, and that the gentleman to whom it belonged was
+vastly civil and pleasing.
+
+Soon after they returned home she told her mother that she had no longer
+any objection to accept of Blue Beard for her husband, and, accordingly,
+in a short time they were married.
+
+About a month after the marriage had taken place, Blue Beard told his
+wife that he should be obliged to leave her for a few weeks, as he had
+some business to do in the country. He desired her to be sure to procure
+herself every kind of amusement, to invite as many of her friends as she
+liked, and to treat them with all sorts of delicacies that the time
+might pass agreeably during his absence. "Here," said he, "are the keys
+of the two large wardrobes. This is the key of the great box that
+contains the best plate, which we use for company; this belongs to my
+strong box, where I keep my money; and this to the casket in which are
+all my jewels. Here also is a master key to all the apartments in my
+house, but this small key belongs to the closet at the end of the long
+gallery on the ground floor. I give you leave," continued he, "to open
+or do what you like with all the rest excepting this closet: this, my
+dear, you must not enter, nor even put the key into the lock, for all
+the world. Should you disobey me, expect the most dreadful of
+punishments."
+
+She promised to obey his orders in the most faithful manner; and Blue
+Beard, after tenderly embracing her, stepped into his carriage and drove
+away.
+
+The friends of the bride did not, on this occasion, wait to be invited,
+so impatient were they to see all the riches and magnificence she had
+gained by marriage; for they had been prevented from paying their
+wedding visit by their aversion to the blue beard of the bridegroom.
+
+No sooner were they arrived than they impatiently ran from room to room,
+from cabinet to cabinet, and then from wardrobe to wardrobe, examining
+each with the utmost curiosity, and declaring that the last was still
+richer and more beautiful than what they had seen the moment before. At
+length they came to the drawing-rooms, where their admiration and
+astonishment were still increased by the costly splendour of the
+hangings, of the sofas, the chairs, carpets, tables, girandoles, and
+looking-glasses, the frames of which were silver gilt, most richly
+ornamented, and in which they saw themselves from head to foot.
+
+In short, nothing could exceed the magnificence of what they saw; and
+the visitors did not cease to extol and envy the good fortune of their
+friend, who all this time was far from being amused by the fine
+compliments they paid her, so eagerly did she desire to see what was in
+the closet her husband had forbidden her to open. So great indeed was
+her curiosity that, without recollecting how uncivil it would be to
+leave her guests, she descended a private staircase that led to it, and
+in such a hurry that she was two or three times in danger of breaking
+her neck.
+
+When she reached the door of the closet she stopped for a few moments to
+think of the charge her husband had given her, and that he would not
+fail to keep his word in punishing her very severely should she disobey
+him. But she was so very curious to know what was in the inside that she
+determined to venture in spite of everything.
+
+She accordingly, with a trembling hand, put the key into the lock, and
+the door immediately opened. The window shutters being closed, she at
+first saw nothing; but in a short time she perceived that the floor was
+covered with clotted blood, on which the bodies of several dead women
+were lying. These were all the wives whom Blue Beard had married and
+murdered, one after another. She was ready to sink with fear, and the
+key of the closet door, which she held in her hand, fell on the floor.
+When she had somewhat recovered from her fright she took it up, locked
+the door, and hastened to her own room that she might have a little time
+to get into humour for amusing her visitors; but this she found
+impossible, so greatly was she terrified by what she had seen.
+
+As she observed that the key of the closet had got stained with blood in
+falling on the floor, she wiped it two or three times over to clean it;
+still, however, the blood remained the same as before. She next washed
+it, but the blood did not stir at all; she then scoured it with
+brickdust, and afterwards with sand, but notwithstanding all she could
+do, the blood was still there; for the key was a fairy, who was Blue
+Beard's friend, so that as fast as she got it off on one side it
+appeared again on the other.
+
+Early in the evening Blue Beard returned home, saying he had not
+proceeded far on his journey before he was met by a messenger who was
+coming to tell him that his business was happily concluded without his
+being present, upon which his wife said everything she could think of to
+make him believe she was transported with joy at his unexpected return.
+
+The next morning he asked her for the keys. She gave them to him; but as
+she could not help showing her fright, Blue Beard easily guessed what
+had happened. "How is it," said he, "that the key of the closet upon the
+ground floor is not here?" "Is it not? then I must have left it on my
+dressing-table," said she, and left the room in tears. "Be sure you give
+it me by-and-bye," cried Blue Beard.
+
+After going several times backwards and forwards, pretending to look for
+the key, she was at last obliged to give it to Blue Beard. He looked at
+it attentively, and then said--"How came the blood upon the key?" "I am
+sure I do not know," replied the lady, turning at the same time as pale
+as death. "You do not know," said Blue Beard sternly; "but I know well
+enough. You have been in the closet on the ground floor. Vastly well,
+madam; since you are so mightily fond of this closet, you shall
+certainly take your place among the ladies you saw there."
+
+His wife, almost dead with fear, fell upon her knees, asked his pardon a
+thousand times for her disobedience, and entreated him to forgive
+her--looking all the time so very sorrowful and lovely that she would
+have melted any heart that was not harder than a rock.
+
+But Blue Beard answered, "No, no, madam; you shall die this very
+minute!"
+
+"Alas!" said the poor trembling creature, "if I must die, allow me, at
+least, a little time to say my prayers."
+
+"I give you," replied the cruel Blue Beard, "half a quarter of an hour;
+not one moment longer."
+
+When Blue Beard had left her to herself, she called her sister, and
+after telling her, as well as she could for sobbing, that she had but
+half a quarter of an hour to live, "Prithee," said she, "sister Ann"
+(this was her sister's name), "run up to the top of the tower, and see
+if my brothers are yet in sight, for they promised to come and visit me
+to-day; and if you see them, make a sign for them to gallop as fast as
+possible."
+
+Her sister instantly did as she was desired, and the terrified lady
+every minute called out to her, "Ann! sister Ann! do you see any one
+coming?" and her sister answered, "I see nothing but the sun, which
+makes a dust, and the grass, which looks green."
+
+In the meanwhile Blue Beard, with a great scimitar in his hand, bawled
+as loud as he could to his wife, "Come down instantly, or I will fetch
+you."
+
+"One moment longer, I beseech you," replied she; and again called softly
+to her sister--"Sister Ann, do you see any one coming?" To which she
+answered, "I see nothing but the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass,
+which looks green."
+
+Blue Beard now again bawled out, "Come down, I say, this very moment, or
+I shall come and fetch you."
+
+"I am coming; indeed I will come in one minute," sobbed his unhappy
+wife. Then she once more cried out--"Ann! sister Ann! do you see any one
+coming?" "I see," said her sister, "a cloud of dust a little to the
+left." "Do you think it is my brothers?" continued the wife. "Alas! no,
+dear sister," replied she; "it is only a flock of sheep."
+
+"Will you come down or not, madam?" said Blue Beard, in the greatest
+rage imaginable.
+
+"Only one single moment more," answered she. And then she called out for
+the last time--"Sister Ann! do you see any one coming?"
+
+"I see," replied her sister, "two men on horseback coming to the house,
+but they are still at a great distance."
+
+"God be praised!" cried she; it is my brothers; give them a sign to make
+what haste they can.
+
+At the same moment Blue Beard cried out so loud for her to come down
+that his voice shook the whole house.
+
+The poor lady with her hair loose, and her eyes swimming in tears,
+instantly came down, and fell on her knees to Blue Beard, and was going
+to beg him to spare her life; but he interrupted her saying--"All this
+is of no use at all, for you shall die." Then, seizing her with one hand
+by the hair, and raising the scimitar he held in the other, was going
+with one blow to strike off her head.
+
+The unfortunate creature turning towards him, desired to have a single
+moment allowed her to recollect herself.
+
+"No, no," said Blue Beard, "I will give you no more time, I am
+determined--you have had too much already;" and again raising his arm.
+Just at this instant a loud knocking was heard at the gates, which made
+Blue Beard wait for a moment to see who it was. The gates were opened,
+and two officers, dressed in their regimentals, entered, and, with their
+swords in their hands, ran instantly to Blue Beard, who, seeing they
+were his wife's brothers, endeavoured to escape from their presence; but
+they pursued and seized him before he had gone twenty steps, and,
+plunging their swords into his body, he immediately fell down dead at
+their feet.
+
+The poor wife, who was almost as dead as her husband, was unable at
+first to rise and embrace her brothers. She soon, however, recovered;
+and as Blue Beard had no heirs, she found herself the lawful possessor
+of his great riches.
+
+She employed a portion of her vast fortune in giving a marriage dowry to
+her sister Ann, who soon after became the wife of a young gentleman by
+whom she had long been beloved. Another part she employed in buying
+captains' commissions for her two brothers, and the rest she presented
+to a most worthy gentleman, whom she married soon after, and whose kind
+treatment soon made her forget Blue Beard's cruelty.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ LIFE OF
+
+ MANSIE WAUCH
+
+ TAILOR IN DALKEITH.
+
+
+I was born during the night of the 15th of October, 1765, in that little
+house, standing by itself, not many yards from the eastmost side of the
+Flesh Market Gate, Dalkeith. Long was it spoken about that something
+mysterious would happen on that dreary night, as the cat, after washing
+her face, gaed mewing about with her tail sweeing behind her like a
+ramrod; and a corbie, from the Duke's woods, tumbled down Jamie Elder's
+lum when he had set the little still a-going--giving them a terrible
+fright, as they took it for the deevil and then for an exciseman--and
+fell with a great cloud of soot and a loud skraigh into the empty
+kail-pot.
+
+The first thing that I have any clear memory of was my being carried out
+on my auntie's shoulder, with a leather cap tied under my chin, to see
+the Fair Race. Oh! but it was a grand sight! I have read since then the
+story of Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp, but this beat it all to sticks. There
+was a long row of tables, covered with carpets of bonny patterns, heaped
+from one end to the other with shoes of every kind and size, some with
+polished soles and some glittering with sparables and cuddyheels, and
+little red worsted boots for bairns with blue and white edgings, hinging
+like strings of flowers up the posts at each end; and then what a
+collection of luggies! The whole meal in the market sacks on a Thursday
+did not seem able to fill them, and horn spoons, green and black
+freckled, with shanks clear as amber, and timber caups, and ivory egg
+cups of every pattern. Have a care of us! all the eggs in Smeaton dairy
+might have found resting places for their seats in a row. As for the
+gingerbread, I shall not attempt a description. Sixpenny and shilling
+cakes, in paper tied with skinie, and roundabouts, and snaps, brown and
+white quality, and parliaments on stands covered with calendered linen
+clean from the fold. To pass it was just impossible; it set my teeth
+a-watering, and I skirled like mad until I had a gilded lady thrust into
+my little nieve--the which, after admiring for a minute, I applied my
+teeth to and of the head I made no bones, so that in less than no time
+she had vanished, petticoats and all, no trace of her being to the fore
+save and except long treacly daubs extending east and west from ear to
+ear, and north and south from cape nep of the nose to the extremity of
+beardyland.
+
+But what of all things attracted my attention on that memorable day was
+the show of cows, sheep, and horses, mooing, baaing, and neighering; and
+the race--that was the best! Od, what a sight! We were jammed in the
+crowd of auld wives with their toys and shining ribbons, and canter lads
+with their blue bonnets, and young wenches carrying home their fairings
+in napkins as muckle as would hold their teeth going for a month. There
+scarcely could be muckle for love when there was so much for the
+stomach, and men with wooden legs and brass virls at the end of them
+playing on the fiddle, and a bear that roared and danced on its hind
+feet with a muzzled mouth, and Punch and Polly, and puppie shows, and
+mair than I can tell, when up came the horses to the starting-post. I
+shall never forget the bonny dresses of the riders. One had a napkin
+tied round his head, another had on a black velvet hunting cap and his
+coat stripped--oh, but he was a brave lad--and sorrow was the folks for
+him when he fell off in taking ower sharp a turn, by which auld Pullen,
+the bell-ringer, wha was holding the post, was made to coup the creels.
+And the last was all life, as gleg as an eel. Up and down he went, and
+up and down gaed the beast on its hind legs and its fore legs, funking
+like mad. Yet though he was not aboon thirteen, or fourteen at most, he
+did not cry out for help more than five or six times, but grippit at the
+mane with one hand and at the back of the saddle with the other, till
+daft Robie, the hostler at the stables, caught hold of the beast by the
+head, and off they set. The young birkie had neither hat nor shoon, but
+he did not spare the stick; round and round they flew like daft. Ye
+would have thought their een would have loupen out, and loudly all the
+crowd were hurrahing when young hatless came up foremost, standing in
+the stirrups, the long stick between his teeth, and his white hair
+fleeing behind him in the wind like streamers on a frosty night.
+
+
+ CALF-LOVE.
+
+Just after I was put to my apprenticeship, having made free choice of
+the tailoring trade, I had a terrible stound of calf-love. Never shall I
+forget it. I was growing up long and lank as a willow-wand, brawns to my
+legs there were none, as my trousers of other years too visibly effected
+to show. The long yellow hair hung down, like a flax-wig, the length of
+my lantern jaws, which looked, notwithstanding my yapness and stiff
+appetite, as if eating and they had broken up acquaintanceship. My blue
+jacket seemed in the sleeves to have picket a quarrel with the wrists
+and had retreated to a tait below the elbows. The haunch-buttons, on the
+contrary, appeared to have taken a strong liking to the shoulders, a
+little below which they showed their tarnished brightness. At the middle
+of the back the tails terminated, leaving the well-worn rear of my
+corduroys like a full moon seen through a dark haze. Oh! but I must have
+been a bonny lad.
+
+My first flame was the minister's lassie, Jess, a buxom and forward
+queen, two or three years older than myself. I used to sit looking at
+her in the kirk, and felt a droll confusion when our een met. It dirled
+through my heart like a dart, and I looked down at my psalm-book
+sheepish and blushing. Fain would I have spoken to her, but it would not
+do; my courage aye failed me at the pinch, though she whiles gave me a
+smile when she passed me. She used to go to the well every night with
+her twa stoups to draw water after the manner of the Israelites at
+gloaming, so I thought of watching to give her the two apples which I
+had carried in my pouch for more than a week for that purpose. How she
+laughed when I stappit them into her hand and brushed by without
+speaking. I stood at the bottom of the close listening, and heard her
+laughing till she was like to split. My heart flap flappit in my breast
+like a pair of fanners. It was a moment of heavenly hope; but I saw
+Jamie Coom, the blacksmith, who I aye jaloused was my rival, coming down
+to the well. I saw her give him one of the apples, and hearing him say
+with a loud gaffaw, "Where is the tailor?" I took to my heels, and never
+stopped till I found myself on the little stool by the fireside, and the
+hamely sound of my mother's wheel bum-bumming in my lug like a gentle
+lullaby.
+
+Every noise I heard flustered me, but I calmed in time, though I went to
+my bed without my supper. When I was driving out the gaislings to the
+grass on the next morn who was it my ill fate to meet but the
+blacksmith. "Ou, Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for
+your best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on Sunday."
+
+"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring.
+
+"Yes," said he; "Jess, the minister's maid, told me last night that you
+had been giving up your name at the manse. Ay, it's ower true, for she
+showed me the apples ye gied her in a present. This is a bonny story,
+Mansie, my man, and you only at your apprenticeship yet."
+
+Terror and despair had struck me dumb. I stood as still and as stiff as
+a web of buckram. My tongue was tied, and I couldna contradict him.
+Jamie faulded his arms and gaed away whistling, turning every now and
+then his sooty face over his shoulder and mostly sticking his tune, as
+he could not keep his mouth screwed for laughing. What would I not have
+given to have laughed too!
+
+There was no time to be lost; this was the Saturday. The next rising sun
+would shine on the Sabbath. Ah, what a case I was in; I could mostly
+have drowned myself had I not been frighted. What could I do? My love
+had vanished like lightning; but oh, I was in a terrible gliff! Instead
+of gundy, I sold my thrums to Mrs. Walnut for a penny, with which I
+bought at the counter a sheet of paper and a pen, so that in the
+afternoon I wrote out a letter to the minister telling him what I had
+been given to hear, and begging him, for the sake of mercy, not to
+believe Jess's word, as I was not able to keep a wife, and as she was a
+leeing gipsy.
+
+
+ PUSHING MY FORTUNE.
+
+The days of the years of my apprenticeship having glided cannily over on
+the working board of my respected maister, James Hosey, where I sat
+working cross-legged like a busy bee in the true spirit of industrious
+contentment, I found myself at the end of the seven year so well
+instructed in the tailoring trade, to which I had paid a near-sighted
+attention, that, without more ado, I girt myself round about with a
+proud determination of at once cutting my mother's apron string and
+venturing to go without a hold. Thinks I to myself "faint heart never
+won fair lady," so, taking my stick in my hand, I set out towards
+Edinburgh as brave as a Hielander in search of a journeyman's place. I
+may set it down to an especial providence that I found one, on the very
+first day, to my heart's content in by at the Grassmarket where I stayed
+for the space of six calendar months.
+
+Had it not been from a real sense of the duty I owed to my future
+employers, whomsoever they might be, in making myself a first-rate hand
+in the cutting, shaping, and sewing line, I would not have found courage
+in my breast to have helped me out through such a long and dreary time.
+
+Never let us repine, howsomever, but consider that all is ordered for
+the best. The sons of the patriarch Jacob found out their brother Joseph
+in a foreign land, and where they least expected it, so it was
+here--even here where my heart was sickening unto death, from my daily
+and nightly thoughts being as bitter as gall--that I fell in with the
+greatest blessing of my life, Nanse Cromie!
+
+In the flat below our workshop lived Mrs. Whitterraick, the wife of Mr.
+Whitterraick, a dealer in hens and hams in the poultry market, who,
+coming from the Lauder neighbourhood, had hired a bit wench of a lassie
+that was to follow them come the term. And who think ye should this
+lassie be but Nanse Cromie, afterwards, in the course of a kind
+providence, the honoured wife of my bosom, and the mother of bonny
+Benjie.
+
+In going up and down the stairs--it being a common entry, ye observe--me
+may be going down with my everyday hat on to my dinner, and she coming
+up carrying a stoup of water or half-a-pound of pouthered butter on a
+plate, with a piece of paper thrown over it--we frequently met half-way,
+and had to stand still to let one another pass. Nothing came of these
+forgetherings, howsomever, for a month or two, she being as shy and
+modest as she was bonny, with her clean demity short gown and snow-white
+morning mutch, to say nothing of her cherry mou, and me unco douffie in
+making up to strangers. We could not help, nevertheless, to take aye a
+stoun look of each other in passing, and I was a gone man, bewitched out
+of my seven senses, falling from my claes, losing my stomach, and over
+the lugs in love, three weeks and some odd days before ever a single
+syllable passed between us.
+
+If ever a man loved, and loved like mad, it was me, Mansie Wauch, and I
+take no shame in the confession; but, kenning it all in the course of
+nature, declared it openly and courageously in the face of the wide
+world. Let them laugh who like; honest folk, I pity them. Such know not
+the pleasures of virtuous affection. It is not in corrupted, sinful
+hearts that the fire of true love can ever burn clear. Alas, and ohon
+orie! They lose the sweetest, completest, dearest, truest pleasure that
+this world has in store for its children. They know not the bliss to
+meet that makes the embrace of separation bitter. They never dreamed
+the dreams that make awakening to the morning light unpleasant. They
+never felt the raptures that can dirl like darts through a man's soul
+from a woman's e'e. They never tasted the honey that dwells on a woman's
+lip, sweeter than yellow marigolds to the bee; or fretted under the
+fever of bliss that glows through the frame on pressing the hand of a
+suddenly met and fluttering sweetheart. But tuts-tuts--hech-how! my day
+has long since passed; and this is stuff to drop from the lips of an
+auld fool. Nevertheless, forgive me, friends; I cannot help all-powerful
+nature.
+
+Nanse's taste being like my own, we amused one another in abusing great
+cities, and it is curious how soon I learned to be up to trap--I mean in
+an honest way; for when she said she was wearying the very heart out of
+her to be home again to Lauder, which, she said, was her native and the
+true land of Goshen, I spoke back to her by way of answer--"Nancy, my
+dear," says I, "believe me that the real land of Goshen is out at
+Dalkeith, and if ye'll take up house wi' me, and enter into a way of
+doing, I daursay in a while ye'll come to think so too."
+
+What will you say there? Matters were by-and-bye settled full tosh
+between us, and though the means of both parties were small, we were
+young and able and willing to help one another. For two three days, I
+must confess, after Nanse and me found ourselves in the comfortable
+situation of man and wife I was a dowie and desponding, thinking we were
+to have a numerous small family and where work was to come from; but no
+sooner was my sign nailed up with four iron handfasts by Johnny Hammer,
+painted in black letters on a blue ground, with a picture of a jacket on
+one side and a pair of shears on the other, and my shop door opened to
+the public with a wheen ready-made waistcoats, gallowses, leather caps,
+and Kilmarnock cowls, hung up at the window, than business flowed in
+upon us in a perfect torrent. First one came in for his measure and then
+another. A wife came in for a pair of red worsted boots for her bairn,
+but would not take them for they had not blue fringes. A bare-headed
+lassie, hoping to be hansel, threw down twopence and asked tape at three
+yards a halfpenny. The minister sent an old black coat beneath his
+maid's arm, preened up in a towel, to get docked in the tails down into
+a jacket, which I trust I did to his entire satisfaction, making it fit
+to a hair. The duke's butler himself patronized me by sending me a coat
+which was all hair powder and pomate to get a new neck put to it.
+
+No wonder than we attracted customers, for our sign was the prettiest ye
+ever saw, though the jacket was not just so neatly painted as for some
+sand-blind creatures not to take it for a goose. I daresay there were
+fifty half-naked bairns glowering their een out of their heads at it
+from morning till night, and after they all were gone to their beds both
+Nanse and me found ourselves so proud of our new situation in life that
+we slipped out in the dark by ourselves and had a prime look at it with
+a lantern.
+
+
+ MANSIE WAUCH'S FIRST AND LAST PLAY.
+
+Mony a time and often had I heard of play-acting and of players making
+themselves kings and queens, and saying a great many wonderful things,
+but I had never before an opportunity of making myself a witness to the
+truth of these hearsays. So Maister Glen, being as fu' of nonsense and
+as fain to have his curiosity gratified, we took upon us the stout
+resolution to gang ower thegither, he offering to treat me and I
+determined to run the risk of Maister Wiggie, our minister's rebuke, for
+the transgression, hoping it would make na lasting impression on his
+mind, being for the first and only time. Folks shouldna at a' times be
+ower scrupulous.
+
+After paying our money at the door, never, while I live and breathe,
+will I forget what we saw and heard that night. It just looks to me by
+a' the world, when I think on't, like a fairy dream. The place was
+crowded to the e'e, Maister Glen and me having nearly gob our ribs dung
+in before we fand a seat, and them behint were obliged to mount the back
+benches to get a sight. Right to the fore hand of us was a large green
+curtain some five or six ells wide, a guid deal the waur of the wear,
+having seen service through two or three simmers, and just in the front
+of it were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to the
+ground to let us see the players' feet like when they came on the stage,
+and even before they came on the stage, for the curtain being scrimpit
+in length we saw legs and feet moving behind the scenes very neatly,
+while twa blind fiddlers they had brought with them played the bonniest
+ye ever heard. Od, the very music was worth a sixpence of itsel'.
+
+The place, as I said before, was choke full, just to excess, so that ane
+could scarcely breathe. Indeed I never saw ony pairt sae crowded, not
+even at a tent preaching when Mr. Roarer was giving his discourses on
+the building of Solomon's Temple. We were obligated to have the windows
+opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as close as a baker's
+oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces with our hats to keep us
+cool; and, though all were half stewed, we had the worst o't, the toddy
+we had ta'en having fomented the blood of our bodies into a perfect
+fever.
+
+Just at the time that the twa blind fiddlers were playing the "Downfall
+of Paris" a hand bell rang, and up goes the green curtain, being hauled
+to the ceiling, as I observed wi' the tail o' my e'e, by a birkie at the
+side that had hand o' a rope. So, on the music stopping and all becoming
+as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes a decent old
+gentleman at his leesure, weel powdered, wi' an auld-fashioned coat and
+waistcoat wi' flap pockets, brown breeches with buckles at the knees,
+and silk stockings with red gushets on a blue ground. I never saw a man
+in sic distress. He stampit about, and better stampit about, dadding the
+end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powers of heaven
+and yearth to help him to find out his runawa' daughter that had
+decampit wi' some ne'er-do-well loon of a half-pay captain that keppit
+her in his arms frae her bedroom window up twa pair o' stairs. Every
+father and head of a family maun ha'e felt for a man in his situation
+thus to be rubbit of his dear bairn, and an only daughter, too, as he
+telt us ower and ower again, as the saut, saut tears ran gushing down
+his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean calendered
+pocket napkin. But, ye ken, the thing was absurd to suppose that we
+should ken onything about the matter, having never seen either him or
+his daughter between the een afore, and no kenning them by head mark;
+so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do with a
+fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to haud our tongues to
+see what might cast up better than he expected. So out he gaed stamping
+at the ither side, determined, he said, to find them out though he
+should follow them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's House, or
+something to that effect.
+
+Hardly was his back turned, and amaist before ye could cry Jack Robison,
+in comes the birkie and the very young leddy the auld gentleman
+described arm and arm thegither, smoodging and lauching like daft. Dog
+on it, it was a shameless piece of business. As true as death, before
+all the crowd of folk he pat his arm round her waist and ca'ed her his
+sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and everything that is
+sweet. If they had been courting in a close thegither on a Friday night
+they couldna ha'e said mair to ane anither, or gaen greater lengths. I
+thought sic shame to be an e'e-witness to sic ongoings that I was
+obliged at last to haud up my hat afore my face and look down, though,
+for a' that, the young lad, to be sic a blackguard as his conduct
+showed, was weel enough faured and had a guid coat on his back wi'
+double gilt buttons and fashionable lapels, to say little o' a very
+weel-made pair of buckskins a little the waur o' the wear, to be sure,
+but which, if they had been cleaned, would ha'e looked amaist as good as
+new. How they had come we never could learn, as we neither saw chaise
+nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is mair than likely
+that they had lighted at the back door of the barn frae a horse, she
+riding on a pad behint him, maybe with her hand round his waist.
+
+The faither lookit to be a rich auld bool, baith from his manner of
+speaking and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of his
+daughter; but, to be sure, when so many of us were present that had an
+equal right to the spulzie it wadna be a great deal a thousand pounds
+when divided, still it was worth the looking after. So we just bidit a
+wee.
+
+Things were brought to a bearing, whosoever, sooner than either
+themsel's, I daursay, or onybody else present seemed to ha'e the least
+glimpse of; for just in the middle of their fine going on the sound of a
+coming fit was heard, and the lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out,
+"Hide me, hide me, for the sake of gudeness, for yonder comes my old
+father!"
+
+Nae sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet, and, after
+shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to be
+asleep in a moment. The auld faither came bouncing in, and seeing the
+fellow as sound as a tap he ran forrit and gaed him sich a shake as if
+he wad ha'e shooken him a' sundry, which sune made him open his een as
+fast as he had steekit them. After blackguarding the chiel at no
+allowance, cursing him up hill and down dale, and ca'ing him every name
+but a gentleman, he haddit his staff ower his crown and, gripping him by
+the cuff o' the neck, askit him what he had made o' his daughter. Never
+since I was born did I ever see sic brazen-faced impudence! The rascal
+had the brass to say at ance that he hadna seen word or wittens o' his
+daughter for a month, though mair than a hundred folk sitting in his
+company had seen him dauting her with his arm round her jimpy waist not
+five minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of our kirk, my
+corruption was raised, for I aye hated leeing as a puir cowardly sin and
+an inbreak on the ten commandments, and I fand my neebour, Mr. Glen,
+fidgetting on the seat as weel as me, so I thocht that whaever spoke
+first wad ha'e the best right to be entitled to the reward; whereupon,
+just as he was in the act of rising up, I took the word out of his
+mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld gentleman, dinna believe him,
+friend; he's telling a parcel of lees. Never saw her for a month! It's
+no worth arguing or ca'ing witnesses; just open that press door and
+ye'll see whether I'm speaking truth or no."
+
+The auld man stared and lookit dumbfoundered, and the young man, instead
+of rinning forrit wi' his double nieves to strike me, the only thing I
+was feared for, began a-laughing, as if I had dune him a good turn. But
+never since I had a being did I ever witness an uproar and noise as
+immediately took place. The haill house was sae glad that the scoundrel
+had been exposed that they set up siccan a roar o' lauchter and thumpit
+away at siccan a rate at the boards wi' their feet that, at lang and
+last, wi' pushing and fidgetting and hadding their sides, down fell the
+place they ca' the gallery, a' the folk in't being hurled tapsy-turvy
+head foremost amang the saw-dust on the floor below, their guffawing
+sune being turned to howling, ilka ane crying louder than anither at the
+tap of their voices, "Murder! murder! haud off me; murder! my ribs are
+in; murder! I'm killed--I'm speechless!" and ither lamentations to that
+effect; so that a rush to the door took place, in which everything was
+overturned--the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire, the furms
+strampit to pieces, the lights knockit out, and the twa blind fiddlers
+dung head foremost ower the stage, the bass fiddle cracking like thunder
+at every bruise. Siccan tearing, and swearing, and tumbling, and
+squeeling was never witnessed in the memory of man sin' the building of
+Babel, legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, een knocked out,
+and lives lost--there being only ae door, and that a sma' ane--so that
+when we had been carried off our feet that length my wind was fairly
+gane, and a sick dwam cam' ower me, lights of a' manner of colours, red,
+blue, green, and orange dancing before me that entirely deprived me o
+common sense till, on opening my een in the dark, I fand mysel' leaning
+wi' my braid side against the wa' on the opposite side of the close. It
+was some time before I mindit what had happened, so, dreading scaith, I
+fand first the ae arm and then the ither to see if they were broken,
+syne my head, and syne baith o' my legs; but a', as weel as I could
+discover, was skinhale and scart free--on perceiving which, my joy was
+without bounds, having a great notion that I had been killed on the
+spot. So I reached round my hand very thankfully to tak' out my pocket
+napkin to gi'e my brow a wipe when, lo and behold, the tail of my
+Sunday's coat was fairly aff and away, dockit by the haunch buttons.
+
+
+ PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE.
+
+It was about the month of March, in the year of grace anno domini
+eighteen hunder, that the haill country trummelled, like a man ill of
+the interminable fiver, under the consternation of Bonapartie and all
+the French vagabonds emigrating ower and landing in the firth. Keep us
+a'! the folk, dydit bodies, pat less confidence than became them in what
+our volunteer regiments were able and willing to do though we had a
+remnant amang us of the true bluid that with loud lauchter lauched the
+creatures to scorn, and I for ane keepit up my pluck like a true
+Hielander. Does ony leeving soul believe that Scotland could be
+conquered, and the like o' us sold, like Egyptian slaves, into
+captivity? Fie, fie; I could spit on siccan havers. Are we no descended,
+faither and son, frae Robert Bruce and Sir William Wallace, having the
+bright bluid of freemen in our veins and the Pentland Hills, as weel as
+our ain dear hames and firesides, to fight for? The fief that wadna gi'e
+cut-and-thrust for his country as lang as he had a breath to draw or a
+leg to stand on should be tied neck and heels, without benefit o'
+clergy, and thrown ower Leith Pier to swim for his life like a mangy
+dog!
+
+It was sometime in the blasty month of March, the weather being rawish
+and rainy, wi' sharp frosty nights that left all the window soles
+whitewashed ower with frost-rind in the morning, that as I was going out
+in the dark, afore lying doun in my bed, to gi'e a look into the
+hen-house door and lock the coal cellar, so that I might pit the bit key
+intil my breek pouches, I happened to gi'e a keek in, and, lo and
+behold, the awfu' apparition of a man wi' a yellow jacket lying sound
+asleep on a great lump o' parrot coal in a corner.
+
+In the hurry of my terror and surprise at seeing a man with a yellow
+jacket and a blue foraging cap in such a situation, I was like to drap
+the guid twopenny candle and faint clean away; but, coming to mysel' in
+a jiffy, I determined, in case it might be a highway rubber, to thraw
+about the key, and, rinning up for the firelock, shoot him through the
+head instantly, if found necessary. In turning round the key the lock,
+being in want of a feather o' oil, made a noise, and waukened the puir
+wretch, who, jumping to the soles of his feet in despair, cried out in a
+voice that was like to break my heart, though I couldna make out ae word
+of his paraphernally. It minded me, by a' the world, of a wheen cats
+fuffing and feighting through ither, and whiles something that sounded
+like "Sugar, sugar, measure the cord," and "dabble, dabble." It was waur
+than the maist outrageous Gaelic ever spoken in the height o' passion by
+a Hieland shearer.
+
+"Oho!" thinks I, "friend, ye cannot be a Christian from your lingo,
+that's one thing poz; and I would wager tippence you're a Frenchy. Who
+kens keeps us all, but ye may be a Bonaparte himself in disguise, come
+over in a flat-bottomed boat, to spy the nakedness of the land. So ye
+may just rest content, and keep your quarters good till the morn's
+morning."
+
+It was a wonderful business, and enough to happen to a man in the course
+of his lifetime to find Mounseer from Paris in his coal neuk, and have
+the enemy of his country snug under lock and key; so while he kept
+rampaging, fuffing, stamping, and diabbling away I went in and brought
+out Benjie with a blanket row'd round him, and my journeyman, Tommy
+Bodkin--who, being an orphan, I made a kind of parlour boarder of, he
+sleeping on a shake-down beyond the kitchen fire--to hold a consultation
+and be witness of the transaction.
+
+I got my musket, and Tommy Bodkin armed himself with the goose, a deadly
+weapon, whoever may get a clour with it, and Benjie took the poker in
+one hand and the tongs in the other; and out we all marched briskly to
+make the Frenchman that was locked up from the light of day in the coal
+house surrender. After hearkening at the door for a while, and finding
+all quiet, he gave a knock to rouse him up and see if we could bring
+anything out of him by speering him cross-questions. Tammy and Benjie
+trembled from top to toe, like aspen leaves, but fient a word could we
+make common sense of it all. I wonder wha edicates thae foreign
+creatures? It was in vain to follow him, for he just gab, gabbled away
+like ane o' the stone masons at the tower of Babel. At first I was
+completely bamboozled and amaist dung stupid, though I kent a word of
+French which I wantit to pit till him, so I cried through--"Canna you
+speak Frencha, Mounseer?"
+
+He hadna the politeness to stop and mak' answer, but just gaed on wi'
+his string of havers, without either rhyme or reason, which we could
+mak' neither tap, tail, nor main o'.
+
+It was a sair trial to us a', putting us to our wit's end, and hoo to
+come on was past all visible comprehension, when Tammy Bodkin, gi'eing
+his elbow a claw, said--"Od, maister, I wager something that he's broken
+loose frae Pennycuick. We have him like a rotten in a fa'." On
+Pennycuick being mentioned, we heard the foreign crature in the coal
+house groaning out, "Och" and "ohone," and "parbleu," and "Mysie
+Rabbie"--that, I fancy, was his sweetheart at hame, sum bit French queen
+that wondered he was never like to come frae the wars and marry her. I
+thocht on this, for his voice was mournfu', though I couldna understand
+the words; and, kenning he was a stranger in a far land, my bowels
+yearned within me with compassion towards him.
+
+I wad ha'e gien half-a-crown at that blessed moment to ha'e been able to
+wash my hands free o' him, but I swithered, and was like the cuddie
+between the twa bundles of hay. At lang and last a thocht struck me,
+which was to gi'e the deluded, simple cratur a chance of escape,
+reckoning that if he fand his way hame he wad see the shame and folly of
+feighting against us ony mair, and, marrying Maysie Rabbie, live a
+contented and peacefu' life under his ain feg and bay tree. So, wishing
+him a sound sleep, I cried through the door--"Mounseer, gooda nighta,"
+decoying away Benjie and Tammy Bodkin into the house and dispatching
+them to their beds like lamplighters, bidding them never fash their
+thumbs, but sleep like taps, as I would keep a sharp lookout till
+morning.
+
+As soon, hoosomever, as I fand a' things snug I slippit awa to the
+coal-hole, and, giein' the key a canny turn in the lock, I went to my
+bed beside Nanse.
+
+At the dawn o' day, by cock-craw, Benjie and Tammy Bodkin, keen o' the
+ploy, were up and astir as anxious as if their life depended on it, to
+see that all was safe and snug and that the prisoner hadna shot the
+lock. They agreed to march sentry over him half-an-hour the piece, time
+about, the ane stretching himsel' out on a stool beside the kitchen fire
+by way of a bench in the guard-house, while the other gaed to and fro
+like the ticker of a clock.
+
+The back window being up a jink, I heard the two confabbing. "We'll draw
+cuts," said Benjie, "which is to walk sentry first. See, here's twa
+straes; the langest gets the choice." "I've won," cried Tammy, "so gang
+you in a while, and if I need ye, or grow frightened, I'll beat
+leatherty patch wi' my knuckles on the back door. But we had better see
+first what he is about, for he may be howking a hole through aneath the
+foundations. Thae fiefs can work like moudiewards." "I'll slip forrit,"
+said Benjie, "and gi'e a'peep." "Keep to a side," cried Tammy Bodkin,
+"for, dog on it, Moosey'll maybe ha'e a pistol; and, if his birse be up,
+he would think nae mair o' shooting ye as dead as a mawkin than I would
+do of taking my breakfast."
+
+"I'll rin past and gi'e a knock at the door wi' the poker to rouse him
+up?" askit Benjie.
+
+"Come away then," answered Tammie, "and ye'll hear him gi'e a yowl and
+commence gabbling like a goose."
+
+As all this was going on I rose and took a vizzy between the chinks of
+the window shutters, so just as I got my neb to the hole I saw Benjie as
+he flew past give the door a drive. His consternation, on finding it
+flee half open, may be easier imagined than described; for, expecting
+the Frenchman to bounce out like a roaring lion, they hurried like mad
+into the house, couping the creels ower ane anither, Tammie spraining
+his thumb against the back door, and Benjie's foot going into Tammie's
+coat pocket, which it carried away with it like a cloth sandal. What
+became o' the French vagrant is a matter o' surmise--nae mortal kens.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE LIFE AND
+
+ ASTONISHING ADVENTURES
+
+ OF
+
+ PETER WILLIAMSON
+
+ WHO WAS
+
+ _Carried off when a Child from Aberdeen_
+
+ AND SOLD FOR A SLAVE.
+
+
+I was born in the parish of Aboyne, Aberdeenshire, of respectable
+parents, who sent me very early to live with an aunt at Aberdeen. When,
+under the years of pupilarity, once playing on the quay with others of
+my companions--being of a stout robust constitution--I was taken notice
+of by two fellows belonging to a vessel in the harbour employed in the
+trade called kidnapping--that is, stealing young children from their
+parents, and selling them as slaves in plantations abroad. Being marked
+out by those monsters of impiety as their prey, I was cajoled on board
+the ship by them, where I was no sooner got than they conducted me
+between the decks to some others they had kidnapped in the same manner.
+At that time I had no sense of the fate that was destined for me, and
+spent the time in childish amusements with my fellow-sufferers in the
+steerage, being never suffered to go upon deck whilst the vessel lay in
+the harbour.
+
+In about a month's time the ship set sail for America. I cannot forget
+that, when we arrived on the coast we were destined for, a hard gale of
+wind sprung up from the S.E., and, to the captain's great surprise (he
+not thinking he was near land, although having been eleven weeks on the
+passage), about twelve o'clock at night, the ship struck on a sandbank
+off Cape May, near the Capes of Delaware, and, to the great terror and
+affright of the ship's company, in a short time was almost full of
+water. The boat was then hoisted out, into which the captain and his
+fellow villains, the crew, got with some difficulty, leaving me and my
+deluded companions to perish, as they then naturally concluded
+inevitable death to be our fate. Often in my distresses and miseries
+since, have I wished that such had been the consequence, when in a state
+of innocence! But Providence thought proper to reserve me for future
+trials of its goodness. Thus abandoned and deserted, without the least
+prospect of relief, but threatened every moment with death, did these
+villains leave us. The cries, the shrieks and tears of a parcel of
+infants had no effect on, or caused the least remorse in, the breasts of
+these merciless wretches. Scarce can I say to which to give the
+preference, whether to such as these who have had the opportunity of
+knowing the Christian religion, or to the savages hereinafter
+described--who profane not the gospel or boast of humanity; and if they
+act in a more brutal and butcherly manner, yet it is to their enemies,
+for the sake of plunder and the rewards offered them--for their
+principles are alike, the love of sordid gain being both their motives.
+The ship being on a sandbank, which did not give way to let her deeper,
+we lay in the same deplorable condition until morning, when, though we
+saw the land of Cape May at about a mile's distance, we knew not what
+would be our fate.
+
+The wind at length abated, and the captain, unwilling to lose all her
+cargo, about ten o'clock sent some of his crew in a boat to the ship's
+side to bring us on shore, where we lay in a sort of a camp, made of the
+sails of the vessel, and such other things as we could get. The
+provisions lasted us until we were taken in by a vessel bound to
+Philadelphia, lying on this island, as well as I can recollect, near
+three weeks. Very little of the cargo was saved undamaged, and the
+vessel was entirely lost.
+
+When arrived and landed at Philadelphia, the capital of Pennsylvania,
+the captain had people enough who came to buy us. He sold us at about
+£16 per head. What became of my unhappy companions I never knew. It was
+my lot to be sold to one of my countrymen, whose name was Hugh Wilson, a
+North Briton, who had in his youth undergone the same fate as myself,
+having been kidnapped from St. Johnstown, in Scotland.
+
+Happy was my lot in falling into my countryman's power, as he was,
+contrary to many others of his calling, a humane, worthy, honest man.
+Having no children of his own, and commiserating my unhappy condition,
+he took great care of me until I was fit for business, and about the
+twelfth year of my age, set me about little trifles, in which state I
+continued until my fourteenth year, when I was more fit for harder work.
+During such my idle state, seeing my fellow-servants often reading and
+writing, it incited in me an inclination to learn, which I intimated to
+my master, telling him I should be very willing to serve a year longer
+than the contract by which I was sold, if he would indulge me in going
+to school; this he readily agreed to, saying that winter would be the
+best time. It being then summer, I waited with impatience for the other
+season; but, to make some progress in my design, I got a Primer, and
+learned as much from my fellow-servants as I could. At school, where I
+went every winter for five years, I made a tolerable proficiency, and
+have ever since been improving myself at leisure hours. With this good
+master I continued till I was seventeen years old, when he died; and as
+a reward for my faithful service, he left me £200 currency, which was
+then about £150 sterling, his best horse, saddle, and all his wearing
+apparel.
+
+Being now my own master, having money in my pocket, and all other
+necessaries, I employed myself in jobbing about the country, working for
+any one that would employ me, for near seven years, when, thinking I had
+money sufficient to follow some better way of life, I resolved to
+settle, but thought one step necessary thereto was to be married; for
+which purpose I applied to the daughter of a substantial planter, and
+found my suit was not unacceptable to her or her father, so that matters
+were soon concluded upon, and we married. My father-in-law, in order to
+establish us in the world in an easy, if not affluent manner, made me a
+deed of gift of a tract of land, that lay, unhappily for me, as it has
+since proved, on the frontiers of the province of Pennsylvania, near the
+forks of Delaware, in Berks County, containing about two hundred acres,
+thirty of which were well cleared and fit for immediate use, whereon was
+a good house and barn. The place pleasing me well, I settled on it,
+though it cost me the major part of my money in buying stock, household
+furniture, and implements for out-door work. And happy as I was in a
+good wife, yet did my felicity last me not long, for about the year
+1754, the Indians in the French interest, who had for a long time before
+ravaged and destroyed other parts of America unmolested, I may very
+properly say, began to be very troublesome on the frontiers of our
+province, where they generally appeared in small skulking parties, with
+yellings, shoutings, and antic postures, instead of trumpets and drums,
+committing great devastations. The Pennsylvanians little imagined at
+first that the Indians, guilty of such outrages and violence, were some
+of those who pretended to be in the English interest, which, alas!
+proved to be too true to many of us; for, like the French in Europe,
+without regard to faith or treaties, they suddenly break out into
+furious, rapid outrages and devastations, but soon retire
+precipitately, having no stores nor provisions but what they meet with
+in their incursions. Some, indeed, carry a bag with biscuit or Indian
+corn therein, but not unless they have a long march to their destined
+place of action. And those French who were sent to dispossess us in that
+part of the world, being indefatigable in their duty, and continually
+contriving and using all manner of ways and means to win the Indians to
+their interest, many of whom had been too negligent, and sometimes, I
+may say, cruelly treated by those who pretend to be their protectors and
+friends, found it no very difficult matter to get over to their interest
+many who belonged to those nations in amity with us, especially as the
+rewards they gave them were so great, they paying for every scalp of an
+English person £15 sterling.
+
+Shocking to human nature were the barbarities daily committed by the
+savages, and are not to be parallelled in all the volumes of history!
+Scarce did a day pass but some unhappy family or other fell victims to
+savage cruelty. Terrible indeed it proved to me, as well as to many
+others. I that was now happy in an easy state of life, blessed with an
+affectionate and tender wife, who was possessed of all amiable
+qualities, to enable me to go through the world with that peace and
+serenity of mind which every Christian wishes to possess, became on a
+sudden one of the most unhappy and deplorable of mankind. Scarce can I
+sustain the shock which for ever recoils on me, at thinking on the last
+time of seeing that good woman. The fatal 2nd of October, 1754, she that
+day went from home to visit some of her relations. As I stayed up later
+than usual, expecting her return, none being in the house besides
+myself, how great was my surprise, terror, and affright, when, about
+eleven o'clock at night, I heard the dismal war-cry, or war-whoop of the
+savages, and to my inexpressible grief, soon found my house was attacked
+by them. I flew to my chamber window, and perceived them to be twelve
+in number. They making several attempts to get in, I asked them what
+they wanted. They gave me no answer, but continued beating and trying to
+get the door opened. Judge, then, the condition I must be in, knowing
+the cruelty and merciless disposition of those savages, should I fall
+into their hands. To escape which dreadful misfortune, having my gun
+loaded in my hand, I threatened them with death if they should not
+desist. But how vain and fruitless are the efforts of one man against
+the united force of so many, and of such merciless, undaunted, and
+blood-thirsty monsters as I had here to deal with. One of them that could
+speak a little English threatened me in return, that if I did not come
+out they would burn me alive in the house, telling me farther, that they
+were no friends to the English, but if I would come out and surrender
+myself prisoner, they would not kill me. My terror and distraction at
+hearing this is not to be expressed by words, nor easily imagined by any
+person, unless in the same condition. Little could I depend on the
+promises of such creatures, and yet if I did not, inevitable death, by
+being burnt alive, must be my lot. Distracted as I was, in such
+deplorable circumstances, I chose to rely on the uncertainty of their
+fallacious promises rather than meet with certain death by rejecting
+them, and, accordingly, went out of my house with my gun in my hand, not
+knowing what I did, or that I had it. Immediately on my approach, they
+rushed on me like so many tigers, and instantly disarmed me. Having me
+thus in their power, the merciless villains bound me to a tree near the
+door; they then went into the house and plundered and destroyed
+everything, carrying off what moveables they could; the rest, together
+with the house, they set fire to, and consumed before my eyes. The
+barbarians, not satisfied with this, set fire to my barn, stable, and
+outhouses, wherein were about two hundred bushels of wheat, six cows,
+four horses, and five sheep, which were entirely consumed to ashes.
+During the conflagration, to describe the thoughts, the fears, and
+misery that I felt, is utterly impossible; after this they untied me,
+and gave me a great load to carry on my back, under which I travelled
+all that night with them, full of the most terrible apprehensions, and
+oppressed with the greatest anxiety of mind, lest my unhappy wife should
+likewise have fallen a prey to those cruel monsters. At daybreak my
+infernal masters ordered me to lay down my load, when, tying my hands
+again round a tree with a small cord, they then forced the blood out of
+my finger-ends. They then kindled a fire near the tree whereto I was
+bound, which filled me with dreadful agonies, concluding I was going to
+be made a sacrifice to their barbarity.
+
+The fire being thus made, they for some time danced round me after their
+manner, with various odd motions and antic gestures, whooping,
+hallooing, and crying in a frightful manner, as it is their custom.
+Having satisfied themselves in this sort of their mirth, they proceeded
+in a more tragical manner, taking the burning coals and sticks, flaming
+with fire at the ends, holding them near my face, head, hands, and feet,
+with a deal of monstrous pleasure and satisfaction, and at the same time
+threatening to burn me entirely if I made the least noise or motion of
+my body. Thus tortured, as I was, almost to death, I suffered their
+brutal pleasure without being allowed to vent my inexpressible anguish
+otherwise than by shedding tears; even which, when these inhuman
+tormentors observed, with a shocking pleasure and alacrity, they would
+take fresh coals and apply near my eyes, telling me my face was wet, and
+that they would dry it for me. How I suffered these tortures I have here
+faintly described has been matter of wonder to me many times; but God
+enabled me to wait with more than common patience for a deliverance I
+daily prayed for.
+
+Having at length satisfied their brutal pleasure, they sat round the
+fire and roasted their meat, of which they had robbed my dwelling. When
+they had prepared it, and satisfied their voracious appetites, they
+offered some to me; though it is easily imagined I had but little
+appetite to eat, after the tortures and miseries I had undergone; yet
+was I forced to seem pleased with what they offered me, lest, by
+refusing it, they had again resumed their hellish practices. What I
+could not eat, I contrived to get between the bark and the tree where I
+was fixed, they having unbound my hands until they imagined I had ate
+all they gave me; but then they again bound me as before, in which
+deplorable condition was I forced to continue all that day. When the sun
+was set they put out the fire and covered the ashes with leaves, as is
+their usual custom, that the white people might not discover any traces
+or signs of their having been there.
+
+Going from thence along by the river, for the space of six miles, loaded
+as I was before, we arrived at a spot near the Apalachian mountains,
+where they hid their plunder under logs of wood; and oh! shocking to
+relate, from thence did these hellish monsters proceed to a neighbouring
+house, occupied by one Joseph Suider and his unhappy family--consisting
+of his wife, five children, and a young man, his servant. They soon got
+admittance into the unfortunate man's house, where they immediately,
+without the least remorse, and with more than brutal cruelty, scalped
+the tender parents and the unhappy children. Nor could the tears, the
+shrieks, or cries of these unhappy victims prevent their horrid
+massacre; for having thus scalped them, and plundered the house of
+everything that was moveable, they set fire to the same, where the poor
+creatures met their final doom amidst the flames, the hellish miscreants
+standing at the door, or as near the house as the flames would permit
+them, rejoicing and echoing back, in their diabolical manner, the
+piercing cries, heart-rending groans, and paternal and affectionate
+soothings, which issued from this most horrid sacrifice of an innocent
+family. Not contented with what they had already done, they still
+continued their inordinate villainy, in making a general conflagration
+of the barn and stables, together with all the corn, horses, cows, and
+everything on the place.
+
+Thinking the young man belonging to this unhappy family would be of some
+service to them in carrying part of their plunder, they spared his life,
+and loaded him and myself with what they had here got, and again marched
+to the Blue Hills, where they stowed their goods as before. My
+fellow-sufferer could not long bear the cruel treatment which we were
+both obliged to suffer, and complaining bitterly to me of being unable
+to proceed any farther, I endeavoured to condole him as much as lay in
+my power, to bear up under his afflictions, and wait with patience till,
+by the divine assistance, we should be delivered out of their clutches;
+but in vain, for he still continued his moans and tears, which one of
+the savages perceiving as we travelled on, instantly came up to us, and
+with his tomahawk gave him a blow on the head, which felled the unhappy
+youth to the ground, where they immediately scalped and left him. The
+suddenness of this murder shocked me to that degree, that I was in a
+manner like a statue, being quite motionless, expecting my fate would
+soon be the same; however, recovering my distracted thoughts, I
+dissembled the uneasiness and anguish which I felt as well as I could
+from the barbarians; but such was the terror that I was under, that for
+some time I scarce knew the days of the week, or what I did, so that, at
+this period, life indeed became a burden to me, and I regretted being
+saved from my first persecutors, the sailors.
+
+The horrid fact being completed, they kept on their course near the
+mountains, where they lay skulking four or five days, rejoicing at the
+plunder and store they had got. When provisions became scarce, they
+made their way towards Susquehana, where still, to add to the many
+barbarities they had already committed, passing near another house
+inhabited by an unhappy old man, whose name was John Adams, with his
+wife and four small children; and, meeting with no resistance, they
+immediately scalped the unhappy wife and her four children before the
+good old man's eyes. Inhuman and horrid as this was, it did not satiate
+them, for when they had murdered the poor woman, they acted with her in
+such a brutal manner as decency, or the remembrance of the crime, will
+not permit me to mention, and this even before the unhappy husband, who,
+not being able to avoid the sight, and incapable of affording her the
+least relief, entreated them to put an end to his miserable being. But
+they were as deaf and regardless to the tears, prayers, and entreaties
+of this venerable sufferer as they had been to those of the others, and
+proceeded in their hellish purpose of burning and destroying his house,
+barn, cattle, hay, corn, and everything the poor man a few hours before
+was master of. Having saved what they thought proper from the flames,
+they gave the old man, feeble, weak, and in the miserable condition he
+then was, as well as myself, burdens to carry, and loading themselves
+likewise with bread and meat, pursued their journey on towards the Great
+Swamp, where, being arrived, they lay for eight or nine days, sometimes
+diverting themselves in exercising the most atrocious and barbarous
+cruelties on their unhappy victim, the old man. Sometimes they would
+strip him naked and paint him all over with various sorts of colours,
+which they extracted or made from herbs and roots; at other times they
+would pluck the white hairs from his venerable beard, and tauntingly
+tell him he was a fool for living so long, and that they would show him
+kindness in putting him out of the world; to all which the poor creature
+could but vent his sighs, his tears, his moans, and entreaties, that, to
+my affrighted imagination, were enough to penetrate a heart of adamant,
+and soften the most obdurate savage. In vain, alas! were all his tears,
+for daily did they tire themselves with the various means they tried to
+torment him--sometimes tying him to a tree and whipping him, at others
+scorching his furrowed cheeks with red-hot coals, and burning his legs
+quite to the knees. But the good old man, instead of repining or
+wickedly arraigning the divine justice, like many others in such cases,
+even in the greatest agonies, incessantly offered up his prayers to the
+Almighty; with the most fervent thanksgivings for his former mercies,
+and hoping the flames, then surrounding and burning his aged limbs,
+would soon send him to the blissful mansions of the just, to be a
+partaker of the blessings there. And during such pious ejaculations, his
+infernal plagues would come round him, mimicking his heart-rending
+groans and piteous wailings. One night, after he had thus been
+tormented, whilst he and I were sitting together, condoling each other
+at the misfortunes and miseries we daily suffered, twenty scalps and
+three prisoners were brought in by another party of Indians. They had
+unhappily fallen into their hands in Cannojigge, a small town near the
+river Susquehana, chiefly inhabited by the Irish. These prisoners gave
+us some shocking accounts of the murders and devastations committed in
+their parts. The various and complicated actions of these barbarians
+would entirely fill a large volume; but what I have already written,
+with a few other instances which I shall select from the information,
+will enable the reader to guess at the horrid treatment the English, and
+Indians in their interest, suffered for many years past. I shall
+therefore only mention, in a brief manner, those that suffered near the
+same time with myself. This party who now joined us, had it not, I
+found, in their power to begin their wickedness as soon as those who
+visited my habitation, the first of their tragedies being on the 25th
+day of October, 1754, when John Lewis, with his wife and three small
+children, fell sacrifices to their cruelty, and were miserably scalped
+and murdered, his house, barn, and everything he possessed being burnt
+and destroyed. On the 28th, Jacob Miller, with his wife and six of his
+family, together with everything on his plantation, underwent the same
+fate. The 30th--the house, mill, barn, twenty head of cattle, two teams
+of horses, and everything belonging to the unhappy George Folke, met
+with the like treatment--himself, wife, and all his miserable family,
+consisting of nine in number, being inhumanly scalped, then cut in
+pieces and given to the swine, which devoured them. I shall give another
+instance of the numberless and unheard of barbarities they related of
+the savages, and proceed to their own tragical end. In short, one of the
+substantial traders belonging to the province, having business that
+called him some miles up the country, fell into the hands of these
+devils, who not only scalped him, but immediately roasted him before he
+was dead; then, like cannibals for want of other food, ate his whole
+body, and of his head made what they called an Indian pudding.
+
+From these few instances of savage cruelty, the deplorable, situation of
+the defenceless inhabitants, and what they hourly suffered in that part
+of the globe, must strike the utmost terror to a human soul, and cause
+in every breast the utmost detestation, not only against the authors of
+such tragic scenes, but against those who, through perfidy, inattention,
+or pusillanimous and erroneous principles, suffered these savages at
+first, unrepelled, or even unmolested, to commit such outrages and
+incredible depredations and murders; for no torments, no barbarities
+that can be exercised on the human sacrifices they get into their power,
+are left untried or omitted.
+
+The three prisoners that were brought with these additional forces,
+constantly repining at their lot, and almost dead with their excessive
+hard treatment, contrived at last to make their escape; but being far
+from their own settlements, and not knowing the country, were soon after
+met by some others of the tribes or nations at war with us, and brought
+back to their diabolical masters, who greatly rejoiced at having them
+again in their infernal power. The poor creatures, almost famished for
+want of sustenance, having had none during the time of their elopement,
+were no sooner in the clutches of the barbarians, than two of them were
+tied to a tree, and a great fire made round them, where they remained
+till they were terribly scorched and burnt, when one of the villains,
+with his scalping knife, ripped open their bellies, took out their
+entrails, and burnt them before their eyes, whilst the others were
+cutting, piercing, and tearing the flesh from their breasts, hands,
+arms, and legs, with red-hot irons, till they were dead. The third
+unhappy victim was reserved a few hours longer, to be, if possible,
+sacrificed in a more cruel manner. His arms were tied close to his body,
+and a hole being dug deep enough for him to stand upright, he was put
+therein, and earth rammed and beat in all round his body, up to the
+neck, so that his head only appeared above the ground; they then scalped
+him, and there let him remain for three or four hours in the greatest
+agonies; after which they made a small fire near his head, causing him
+to suffer the most excruciating torments imaginable, whilst the poor
+creature could only cry for mercy in killing him immediately, for his
+brains were boiling in his head. Inexorable to all his plaints, they
+continued the fire, whilst, shocking to behold, his eyes gushed out of
+their sockets; and such agonizing torments did the unhappy creature
+suffer for near two hours, till he was quite dead! They then cut off his
+head and buried it with the other bodies, my task being to dig the
+graves, which, feeble and terrified as I was, the dread of suffering the
+same fate enabled me to do. I shall not here take up the reader's time
+in vainly attempting to describe what I felt on such an occasion, but
+continue my narrative, as more equal to my abilities.
+
+A great snow now falling, the barbarians were a little fearful lest the
+white people should, by their traces, find out their skulking retreats,
+which obliged them to make the best of their way to their winter
+quarters, about two hundred miles farther from any plantation or
+inhabitants, where, after a long and tedious journey, being almost
+starved, I arrived with this infernal crew. The place where we were to
+rest, in their tongue, is called Alamingo. There were found a number of
+wigwams full of their women and children. Dancing, shooting, and
+shouting were their general amusements; and in all their festivals and
+dances they relate what successes they have had, and what damages they
+have sustained in their expeditions, in which I became part of their
+theme. The severity of the cold increasing, they stripped me of my
+clothes, for their own use, and gave me such as they usually wore
+themselves, being a piece of blanket, a pair of mogganes, or shoes, with
+a yard of coarse cloth to put round me instead of breeches. To describe
+their dress and manner of living may not be altogether unacceptable to
+some of my readers; but, as the size of this book will not permit me to
+be so particular as I might otherwise be, I shall just observe that they
+in general wear a white blanket, which in war-time they paint with
+various figures, but particularly the leaves of trees, in order to
+deceive their enemies when in the woods. Their mogganes are made of
+deer-skins, and the best sort have them bound round the edges with
+little beads and ribbands. On their legs they wear pieces of blue cloth
+for stockings, some like our soldiers' splatter-dashes. They reach
+higher than their knees, but not lower than their ancles. They esteem
+them easy to run in. Breeches they never wear, but instead thereof, two
+pieces of linen, one before and another behind. The better sort have
+shirts of the finest linen they can get, and to these some wear ruffles;
+but these they never put on till they have painted them of various
+colours, which they get from the pecone root and bark of trees, and
+never pull them off to wash, but wear them till they fall to pieces.
+They are very proud, and take great delight in wearing trinkets, such as
+silver plates round their wrists and necks, with several strings of
+wampum, which is made of cotton, interwoven with pebbles, cockleshells,
+etc., down to their breasts, and from their ears and noses they have
+rings or beads, which hang dangling an inch or two. The men have no
+beards, to prevent which they use certain instruments and tricks as soon
+as it begins to grow. The hair of their heads is managed differently;
+some pluck out and destroy all, except a lock hanging from the crown of
+the head, which they interweave with wampum and feathers of various
+colours. The women wear it very long, twisted down their backs with
+beads, feathers, and wampum, and on their heads most of them wear little
+coronets of brass or copper; round their middle they wear a blanket
+instead of a petticoat. The females are very chaste and constant to
+their husbands; and if any young maiden should happen to have a child
+before marriage, she is never esteemed afterwards. As for their food,
+they get it chiefly by hunting and shooting, and boil or roast all the
+meat they eat. Their standing dish consists of Indian corn soaked, then
+bruised and boiled. Their bread is likewise made of wild oats, or
+sunflower seeds. Their gun, tomahawk, scalping-knife, powder, and shot,
+they carry with them in time of war. They in war decline open
+engagements--bush-fighting or skulking is their discipline. They are
+brave when engaged, having great fortitude in enduring tortures, and are
+the most implacably vindictive people upon the earth; for they revenge
+the death of any relation, or any affront, whenever occasion presents,
+let the distance of time be ever so remote. After long enduring the
+greatest of hardships with these Indians, I at last escaped out of their
+hands, and went to Quebec, where I was put on board a French packet
+bound for England; and after a passage of six weeks, we at last, to our
+great joy, arrived at Plymouth on the 6th of November, 1756.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ FAMOUS EXPLOITS
+
+ OF
+
+ ROBIN HOOD
+
+ LITTLE JOHN AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL.
+
+ INCLUDING AN ACCOUNT OF HIS
+
+ BIRTH, EDUCATION, AND DEATH.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _The Birth and Parentage of Robin Hood._
+
+
+Kind gentlemen, listen a while to my story, and I will tell you the bold
+exploits of the famous Robin Hood and his comrade, Little John.
+
+All England was filled with the renown of Robin Hood, and the great and
+the valiant stood in fear of him. He never harmed the poor, for he
+pitied their fate, and only spoiled the wealthy and proud, or nobles and
+slothful bishops, who lived in state on the fruit of the husbandman's
+toil. Robin was born in the merry town of Locksley, in Nottinghamshire.
+His father was a stout forester, and kept the deer of King Richard the
+First; his mother was niece to the celebrated Sir Guy of Warwick, and
+was sister to Squire Gamewell, of Great Gamewell Hall.
+
+One day (when Robin was about fourteen years old) his mother thus spoke
+to her spouse--"Dear husband, to-morrow is Christmas Day, therefore let
+Robin and I take a ride to Gamewell Hall this morning to see my brother
+and taste his good ale and pudding. The squire was overjoyed to see his
+sister, and young Robin learned the use of the bow, and became the best
+marksman in the place."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _Robin's Progress to Nottingham. Being an Account of his
+ Adventures with the Fifteen Foresters._
+
+
+Robin Hood was now about fifteen years old; in person tall and stout,
+and of a good countenance; in courage and strength few equalled him. One
+day he determined to take a journey to Nottingham, hearing that the king
+had appointed a shooting match in that town, to be disputed by the best
+archers. When he came thither he happened to fall into company with
+fifteen stout foresters, who sat drinking and laughing together. "What
+news, what news?" said bold Robin Hood, "that you drink and talk so
+merrily." The foresters who despised him on account of his youth,
+answered roughly, "We are come to win the king's prize, which we are
+resolved to carry off, in spite of all opposition, and will not be
+questioned by boys." "I have as good a bow as the best," said Robin
+Hood, "and will contest the prize with you." "We hold thee and thy bow
+in scorn," said they; "shall a stripling like thee bear a bow before the
+king's archers, that is not able to draw the string?" "I'll lay a bet of
+twenty crowns," said Robin, "that I win the king's prize, and hit the
+mark at a hundred yards distance."
+
+ "Doubt not I'll make the wager good,
+ Or ne'er believe bold Robin Hood."
+
+The mark was a running hart, let loose for the purpose; and when the
+other bowmen had tried their skill, Robin took his bow, and his
+well-made arrows, and taking good aim, fairly hit the mark, at a hundred
+yards distance, the multitude shouted, and hailed the young victor with
+joy. "The prize is mine," said Robin Hood, "I claim it; the wager, too,
+is mine, give it me." "The prize is none of thine," said the fifteen
+foresters, "and the wager shall be none of thine. Take up thy bow,
+insolent boy, and begone, or we will break thy bones." Robin Hood, full
+of rage, cried out, "You said I was no archer, but you have found me
+one, and you now deny me my reward."
+
+He then took up his bow and departed, but having learnt which way the
+foresters must take at their return home, he repaired to the place where
+he had left his merry men, and, consulting together, they resolved to
+lie in ambush in the road. After a while they saw the foresters
+approaching, shouting and singing, because they had brought off the
+king's prize; but when Robin Hood and his men presented themselves in
+battle array, their mirth was quickly changed into terror and amazement.
+At first they made a show of resistance, but finding the number of their
+adversaries to be more than treble their own, they threw down their arms
+and begged for mercy. "You said I was no archer," cried Robin Hood; "now
+say so again, and let him that chooses it fly for his life, and see if
+my arrows can overtake him." "We beg for mercy," cried the foresters;
+"lo! here is the prize that you won, and the wager of twenty crowns."
+"Well," said Robin, "as you submit quietly, I will grant you your lives,
+but you shall not escape without some reward for your deeds." He and his
+men then stripped them of their clothes, leaving them no covering but
+their trousers, and having cut off their hair and their ears, daubed
+their faces with a mixture of yellow and red; afterwards they bound
+their hands, and tied a large pair of antlers on each of their heads,
+and in this most ridiculous state drove them back into the town,
+telling them if they offered to return they should not escape with their
+lives. As soon as they entered the streets the whole place was in an
+uproar, and, what with the barking of a hundred dogs, the squalling of
+women, and hooting of boys and men, there was such a hubbub as never
+before had been known in the town of Nottingham.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _Robin Hood and Little John. Being an Account of their
+ First Meeting, and how their Acquaintance
+ and Friendship began, with their Merry Reception in
+ Sherwood Bower._
+
+
+When bold Robin Hood was about twenty years old he happened to meet with
+a jolly stranger, whom he afterwards called Little John. This man,
+though called little, was a lusty young blade; his limbs were large, and
+his person seven feet high. Wherever he went people quaked at his name,
+and he made all his enemies to fly before him. 'Twas thus their
+acquaintance began:--
+
+Robin and his men had built, in Sherwood Forest, a strong and secret
+bower, so artfully contrived and hidden among the woods, that none but
+themselves could ever find them out, and to which they retreated in
+cases of need. Here Robin once continued fourteen days with his merry
+bowmen, and then he said to them--"Tarry a while in this grove, my brave
+men; we have had no sport for these many long days, therefore, I will
+wander abroad a short way to seek some amusement. But do you be
+attentive, and hear whenever I blow an alarm with my loud bugle horn,
+for by this means I will let you know if I want your assistance."
+
+After he had strayed some time near a brook, he espied a tall and lusty
+stranger coming towards him. They happened to meet on a long, narrow
+wooden bridge, and neither of them would give way to let the other pass.
+Robin Hood at length, being enraged, drew an arrow from his quiver, and
+threatened to shoot at the stranger's breast. "You dare not," said the
+other, "for if you offer to touch the string, I'll beat out your teeth
+and tumble you into the brook. You see I have nothing but a staff in my
+hand, and none but a coward would offer to fight with weapons so
+different." "The name of a coward," said Robin, "I scorn; I will
+therefore lay aside my bow and arrows and take a stout staff to prove
+thy manhood." The stranger accepted the challenge, and the sport was
+quickly begun. At first Robin gave the man such a stroke that it made
+his sides ring. The other said, "I must pay you for this, friend, and
+give you as good as you send, for as long as I am able to handle a staff
+I scorn to die in your debt." He then gave Robin so hearty a knock on
+the crown, that the blood ran trickling down to his ears. Robin now
+engaged more fiercely, and laid on his blows so thick and fast, that he
+made his adversary's coat smoke as if it had been on fire; but the
+stranger waxing most furious and strong, at length gave Robin such a
+terrible side-blow, that it quite beat him down and tumbled him into the
+brook. Then, in laughter, he called out to his fallen foe, "Prithee,
+where art thou now, my good fellow!" "Why, faith," said Robin, "I swim
+with the tide, as every man should do." He now swam along to the bank,
+and pulled himself out by a thorn, and then said to the conqueror, "Thou
+art a brave soul, I will contend no longer with thee."
+
+He then took up his horn and blew such a blast with it as made the hills
+echo all around. Presently they saw coming hastily down the hillside a
+band of brave archers, clothed in a livery of green. They quickly came
+up to Robin Hood, and Will Stuckley (their leader) cried out, "Pray,
+what is the matter, good master? why, you seem wet to the skin!" "No
+matter for that," said Robin, "the man that stands by has, in fighting,
+tumbled me into the brook." "If that be the case," said his men, "he
+shall not escape without a good ducking in the same stream." "Not so,
+my brave men," said Robin Hood, "he is a stout, hearty fellow, that
+fought me fairly. My friend," said he to the stranger, "pray be not
+afraid, for no harm shall befall thee; all these are my bowmen, that
+come at my call, and if thou wilt live with me, and be one of them, thou
+shalt quickly put on such a dress as theirs; we will teach thee the use
+of the bow to shoot the fat deer, for we live gloriously, without any
+restraint, and fear not the laws." "Then here is my hand," replied the
+stranger, "I'll serve thee with a willing mind, for I perceive you are
+all brave, hearty fellows. My name is John Little, I am a man of some
+skill, and at all times will play my part well."
+
+"His name shall be altered," said Will Stuckley, "I like not the sound
+of John Little, his name shall be called Little John."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _Robin Hood and the Butchers, with his Comical Behaviour
+ to the Sheriff of Nottingham._
+
+
+One day as Robin Hood was taking his walk through the forest, he
+happened to behold a jolly butcher, sitting between his hampers, on a
+stout young mare, going to sell his meat at market. "Good morrow, honest
+fellow," said Robin; "prithee, what food hast thou in thy hampers, and
+from whence comest thou? for I seem to have a liking to thy company."
+The butcher replied, "No matter from whence I come, master, nor where I
+dwell; you may see that I am a butcher, and am going to Nottingham to
+sell my meat." "Wilt thou sell thy meat to me?" said Robin; "tell me the
+price of it altogether; also, what thou wilt have for the mare that
+carries thee, and all thy other accoutrements; we will not differ about
+the cost, for I would fain be a butcher for once." "The price of my meat
+and the price of my mare," said the butcher, "shall be twenty good
+marks; and I think they are nothing too dear." Robin agreed, and set
+out to Nottingham to begin his butcher's trade; and when he came
+thither, took up his inn next door to the sheriff's house. When other
+butchers began to open their shops he opened his; but was at a loss how
+to sell his meat, being so young a butcher; however he was determined
+not to be undersold, and he found customers plenty. When the other
+butchers could not sell a joint Robin's trade went on briskly, and no
+butcher could match him; for he sold more meat for one penny than others
+could do for five. He sold his meat so fast that the butchers of
+Nottingham were at a stand to know who this bold fellow was. "Surely,"
+said they, "he is some prodigal that has sold his father's land; and is
+thus sporting away his money." They then, stepped up to him to make
+acquaintance. "Come, brother," said they, "we are all of one trade, let
+us go and dine together; the sheriff has provided a treat for the
+butchers to-day; and you must go with us." "Agreed," said bold Robin,
+"may that butcher be hanged that can deny the request of his brethren."
+
+After dinner the sheriff said to Robin, "Hast thou any cattle or horned
+beasts to sell, my good fellow? if thou hast I would fain buy them of
+thee." "Yes, that I have, Master Sheriff," said Robin; "I have eight or
+ten score of horned beasts that I long to have sold, and they are fat
+and fair." The sheriff then saddled his dappled grey horse and set out
+with Robin Hood to behold his horned cattle, taking with him plenty of
+gold to complete his bargain. When they came to Sherwood Forest the
+sheriff began to be apprehensive of some danger, and trembled for fear,
+saying, "Heaven defend us from a wonderful bold man that is called Robin
+Hood, who plays a thousand wicked pranks in this country, and empties
+the pockets of every rich man he meets." They had not gone much farther
+before they beheld an hundred head of fat deer that came tripping along
+the road; and then Robin cried out, "Look here, Master Sheriff, behold
+my herd of horned beasts; how like you their colour and their make?
+they seem fat and fair to the eye." "What dost thou mean, fellow?" said
+the sheriff; "I wish I was safe out of this forest, for I like not thy
+company." "Then will you not buy?" said Robin Hood; "however, since you
+came hither to buy my cattle, you must pay whether you take them or
+not." He then put his horn to his mouth and blew a loud blast with it.
+Quickly Little John and his company appeared, and said, "Pray, what is
+your pleasure, good master?" Said Robin, "I have brought the sheriff of
+Nottingham to eat with you to-day, and I hope you will make him right
+welcome." "He is welcome, kind master," said John; "but I hope he will
+honestly pay for cooking." Robin now bade the sheriff dismount, and,
+taking his mantle from his back, quickly told out his gold; then he took
+him to his bower and feasted him well; afterwards he set him again on
+his dapple grey horse and brought him back through the wood. "Commend me
+to your wife at home, my kind sir," said Robin; so he turned and went
+laughing away.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _Robin Hood and Allen Adale, with his Generous Behaviour
+ to Two Distressed Lovers._
+
+
+As bold Robin Hood one day was standing in the forest just under the
+green oaken tree, he espied a gallant young man, clothed in scarlet and
+white, as gay as a lark, who came tripping along the road singing a
+roundelay. He seemed in great haste and quickly was out of sight. Next
+morning as Robin Hood stood in the same place he beheld the same young
+man coming over the plain, but his carriage was totally changed; he now
+passed slowly along and his head hung drooping upon his breast. Little
+John stepped towards him, to know who he was, but when the young man saw
+him coming he bent his bow and said, "Stand off, thou bold forester;
+what wouldest thou have with me?" "You must come before our master," he
+replied, "who is standing under the green oaken tree; come without delay
+and no harm shall befall thee." And when he was come before Robin Hood,
+Robin said to him, "Hast thou any money to spare for my merry men and
+me? Come, answer without fear." "Indeed I have no money to spare," said
+the young man; "I have but five shillings and a little gold ring, and
+this ring I have kept for these seven long years to present to my bride
+on my wedding day. Yesterday I should have married the maid that I love,
+but she was chosen to be an old knight's wife, and taken from me by
+force; therefore my heart is nearly broken?"
+
+Robin Hood now set out, with fifty stout archers in his train, nor did
+they stop till they came near to the church where Allen should have been
+married. He then concealed his men while he went boldly into the church.
+"What dost thou here, bold man?" said the bishop. "I am a merry harper,"
+said Robin, "as good as any in the north." "O, welcome then," said the
+bishop, "for that music is my delight." Presently there came in a
+wealthy old knight leading a young damsel by the hand, of a fair though
+sorrowful countenance, dressed in her glittering attire. "This is not a
+fit match," said bold Robin Hood, "the bridegroom is much too old and
+uncomely; but since I am here, and the bride is prepared, she shall now
+choose her own mate."
+
+Robin then applied the horn to his mouth, and blew twice and thrice with
+it, at the sound of which his fifty stout bowmen came leaping over the
+churchyard, and the first man was Allen Adale, who gave bold Robin his
+bow. "This is thy true lover," said Robin; "come, take her, and be
+married before we depart." "That never shall be," said the bishop; "thy
+speech is too bold, and the law of our country requires that they be
+three times asked in the church." Robin Hood then pulled off the
+bishop's rich apparel, and put it upon Little John, and made him appear
+like a priest. "By my faith," said Robin, laughing, "that clothing
+becomes thee well; thou now lookest like a man and a bishop; therefore
+begin thy office." When Little John went to the desk the people began to
+laugh and seemed to enjoy the joke; he asked them full seven times over
+to make the banns sure, lest three times should not be enough. "Who
+gives this fair maid to Allen Adale for a wife?" said Little John. "I
+give her to him with all my heart," said Robin Hood, "and he that dare
+to oppose, or take her away from her spouse, shall buy her dearly."
+
+Thus ended this merry wedding, and the new married pair returned with
+Robin Hood to Sherwood bower.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _Robin Hood and his Kinsman. Showing how he met and
+ fought with a Stranger, who afterwards proved to
+ be his Cousin Scarlet._
+
+
+As Robin walked about the forest one day he met with a comely young man,
+dressed in a doublet of silk, with scarlet hose, travelling boldly along
+with a stout bow in his hand. A herd of fat deer happened to be feeding
+not far distant, which, when the stranger saw, he bent his bow, and shot
+the best of them through the heart. "Well shot, well shot," said Robin
+Hood, "thy aim was good and sure; I like a bold archer well; and if thou
+wilt be one of my comrades, and live in my bower, I will treat thee with
+noble entertainment, and pay thee well besides." "Go, talk with thy
+grandame," said the stranger, "and make no such wild offers to me, or
+else I shall use thee somewhat rudely." "Thou hadst better be quiet,"
+said Robin, "for if thou shouldest offer to make an assault, thou wilt
+dearly repent of the deed; my arm is not weak, and thou mayest see that
+I carry a bow; besides, though I am now alone, should I blow an alarm
+with my loud bugle-horn, I should quickly have at my command a hundred
+brave men." "I defy all thy power," said the other, "and if thou
+offerest to touch thy horn, my good broad-sword shall cut it in two, and
+strike thee to the dust." Bold Robin Hood then bent his stout bow, and
+stood ready to shoot at his foe. The stranger also took his strong bow
+and as readily stood on his guard. "Prithee, let us hold our hands,"
+said Robin Hood, "for if we attempt to shoot, one of us must infallibly
+die; let us now lay aside our bows and try each other's skill with
+bucklers and good broadswords." These rivals in skill then fought
+stoutly and boldly, and many a hard blow resounded upon their bucklers.
+They aimed their strong blows above and below, from the head to the
+feet, but neither of them could make the other give way. Robin Hood at
+length gave the stranger such a mighty stroke that it made the fire fly
+from his eyes, and almost deprived him of his senses. "I hope to give
+thee a blow," said the stranger, "that shall shame all the rest, and put
+an end to the fray." Then presently, taking good aim with his sword, he
+struck Robin upon the head with such force, that the blood soon appeared
+and ran trickling down his cheeks. "By my faith," said Robin Hood, "I
+must now beg for quarter; prithee, my brave fellow, tell me who thou
+art, and what is thy name, for I love and respect a brave man." The
+stranger answered, "I was born and bred in the town of Maxfield, and my
+name is Gamewell; I am forced to fly from home and to hide myself for
+having killed my father's steward, who had falsely accused me; and I
+came to this forest to seek a bold uncle of mine, who goes by the name
+of bold Robin Hood." "Art thou then a cousin of bold Robin Hood's?"
+answered he; "had I known it before, our fight would have been sooner
+done." "On my life," said the stranger, "I am his first kin, and son to
+his mother's second brother, who now lives at court with the king, and
+for gallant deeds he performed in Palestine he is soon to be made a
+noble peer." When Robin heard this he embraced him with great joy, and
+soon let him know that he himself was his uncle Robin Hood. They then
+set out for the green shady bower, and met Little John by the way.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _Robin Hood and Bishop of Hereford. Robin Hood in
+ Distress changes Clothes with an old Woman to Escape from
+ the Bishop, whom he afterwards takes Prisoner, and
+ obliges him to sing Mass._
+
+
+Robin Hood and all his men were now outlawed, because they had broken
+the forest laws (which were very severe), and had killed the king's fat
+deer.
+
+As Robin walked out one fine summer's day, when the fields were pleasant
+and green, and the birds sang sweetly in the bushes, he was tempted to
+wander beyond the skirts of the forest, far away from his bower; and as
+he was thinking of going back he was espied by the proud bishop of
+Hereford, who was passing along with a great company. "Oh, what shall I
+now do?" said Robin to himself. "If the bishop should take me I shall be
+hanged without mercy." Then Robin turned nimbly about and ran with full
+speed to the house of an old woman whom he knew. "Good woman," said
+Robin, "I pray you let me in, for yonder is the bishop and all his men,
+and if I am taken, I must die." "Why, who art thou," said the old woman,
+"that comest hither in such a fright?" "I am Robin Hood," he replied;
+"canst thou not recollect me?" "I think I now do," said the old woman,
+"and if thou art even Robin Hood, I will provide for thy safety and hide
+thee from the proud bishop and his company." "Then give me thy gown and
+thy female attire," said Robin, "and put thee on my livery of green:
+give me also thy distaff and spindle, and take my arrows and bow."
+
+When Robin Hood was thus arrayed he went forth without fear, and
+returned to his men in the wood. When Little John saw him thus dressed,
+coming over the forest, he cried, "Behold, who is yonder, that seems
+approaching this way; the old woman looks like a witch, and I will send
+an arrow to meet her." "Hold thy hand, hold thy hand," said Robin Hood,
+"I am thy master in disguise, and this habit I was forced to put on to
+escape from a strong enemy who had me in chase."
+
+Now, in the meantime, the bishop went to the old woman's house, and with
+a loud, furious voice, cried, "Bring that traitor, Robin Hood, that I
+may take him along with me and make him pay the forfeit of all his bad
+deeds." The old woman then came out dressed like Robin, and the bishop
+placed her upon a grey steed, while he rode along laughing for joy that
+he had seized upon bold Robin Hood. But as they were riding through the
+forest in which their road lay, the bishop espied a hundred tall men,
+stout and brave, coming out of the wood, with their arrows in their
+hands. "Oh, who are all these bowmen?" said the bishop, "and who is that
+man that leads them towards us so boldly?" "In good faith," said the old
+woman, "I think it is bold Robin Hood." "Then who art thou," said the
+bishop, trembling with fear. "I am only a poor old woman, proud bishop,"
+said she: "hast thou any occasion for me now?" Robin Hood coming up,
+took the bishop by the hand, and placing him upon the stump of a tree
+made him tune his voice and sing a full mass to all the company;
+afterwards they brought him through the wood, and having set him upon
+his horse with his face towards the tail, they charged him for ever
+after to pray for Robin Hood, and putting the tail in his hand, bid him
+begone.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _Robin Hood and the Three Yeomen. Robin delivers Three
+ Yeomen from Nottingham Gallows, who were going
+ to be Hanged for Killing the King's Deer._
+
+
+As Robin Hood wandered about the fields one day he met a fair lady who
+came weeping along the road in great distress. "Oh, why do you weep so
+pitifully," said Robin, "and what is the cause of your great distress?"
+"I weep," she replied, "for the sorrowful fate of three brothers, the
+bravest and dearest of men, who are all condemned to die." "What church
+have they robbed?" said Robin, "or what parish priest have they killed?
+or have they in treason been caught against the rightful king?" "Woe is
+me!" said the lady, "for my brothers must die, and only for killing the
+king's fallow deer." "They shall not die," said bold Robin Hood;
+"therefore go your way quickly home, and I will hasten to Nottingham for
+the sake of your three hapless brothers."
+
+Robin Hood then set out to Nottingham, and in his way met with a poor
+beggar man, who came walking slowly and mournfully along the highway.
+"What news, my old man?" said Robin, "what news dost thou bring from the
+town?" "Oh! there is weeping and wailing in Nottingham town," cried the
+old beggar man, "for the sake of three yeomen who are condemned to die,
+for they are greatly beloved."
+
+The beggar had a tattered old coat upon his back which was neither
+green, yellow, nor red, but some of every colour; and Robin Hood thought
+it would be no disgrace, for once, to be in the beggar's dress. "Come,
+pull off thy coat, my old beggar," said he, "and thou shalt put on mine,
+and thirty shillings beside I will give thee to buy bread and beer."
+When Robin was thus arrayed, away he went to the town, and when he came
+thither he soon found the sheriff and his men, and likewise the three
+sorrowful yeomen who were going to die. "One favour I humbly beg," said
+bold Robin Hood to the sheriff, "that I may be the hangman when the
+three yeomen are to die." "'Tis granted with free goodwill," said the
+sheriff; "therefore go and prepare thyself for thine office, for they
+have but few hours to live."
+
+Robin then returned to his brave band of archers, whom he brought and
+placed in ambush near the field where the gallows was fixed; afterwards
+going again to the sheriff, the three yeomen were led to the appointed
+spot. "Now, begin thine office, my jolly hangman," said the sheriff,
+"for these yeomen no longer must live; and thou shalt have all their
+good clothing, and all their money besides."
+
+Then Robin mounted the gallows, with his horn in his hand, and he made
+it sound loud and shrill, when quickly came marching over the field a
+hundred and more of his faithful bowmen, all clothed in green. "Whose
+men are all these," said the sheriff, "that come marching so boldly this
+way?" "Oh, these are all Robin Hood's men," said he, "and they are come
+to fetch me, and likewise to take the three yeomen, who are going to
+die." "Oh, take them, pray take them, without more ado," said the
+sheriff; "for there is not a man in all Nottingham that can do the like
+of thee."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _Robin Hood and the Tinker of Banbury._
+
+
+In summer time when the leaves were green and birds sang merrily upon
+every tree, Robin Hood set out to Nottingham in disguise, and as he went
+along the road he overtook a jolly tinker. Robin greeted him kindly, and
+after some discourse, said, "Tell me whence thou comest, my jolly
+fellow, and in what town thou wast bred, for I hear there is sad news in
+Nottingham, and when thou knowest it thou may not choose to go thither."
+"I come from Banbury," said the other, "where I was born and bred, and
+am a tinker by trade; now tell me the news thou hast heard." "My news is
+only this," said Robin, "two tinkers were yesterday set in the stocks
+for drinking ale and strong beer." "If that be all," said the tinker, "I
+value not your news a farthing; for in drinking good ale and beer I am
+sure never to be outdone, and resolve to have my share; and if I may
+judge by your looks, you often take a good part." "Now," said Robin
+Hood, "tell me what news has come to thy ears, for, as thou travellest
+from town to town, thou canst never be in want of good stories." "All
+the news that I lately have heard," said the tinker, "relates to a bold
+outlaw who is called Robin Hood; the king has given out warrants to
+apprehend him, and I have one in my pocket to take him, whenever I can
+find him; and if thou canst tell me where he is, and assist me to seize
+him, it will make us rich men, for a hundred pounds, or more, will be
+our reward." "Let me see the warrant," said Robin, "that I may know if
+it be good, and I will do the best that I can to assist thee in taking
+him this very night." "My warrant I shall not let thee see," said the
+tinker, "for I dare not trust it out of my hand."
+
+As soon as they came to Nottingham they went to a good inn, and calling
+for strong ale and wine, the tinker drank so much that he forgot what he
+had to do, so that at night Robin made haste away, taking the tinker's
+warrant, and left him in the lurch to pay all the reckoning. When the
+tinker awoke in the morning and found that his comrade was gone, he
+called for the host and said, "I had a warrant from the king that might
+have done me good, for it was to take a bold outlaw called Robin Hood;
+but now my warrant is stolen away from me, and I have not money enough
+to pay the score, for the man that came with me last night is fled away;
+therefore tell me what I have got to pay, and I will leave my tools with
+thee in pledge till I return."
+
+The tinker then went his way, and soon learnt in the town that the only
+way to find out bold Robin Hood was to seek him in the parks, killing
+the king's deer. Away then he went, and made no delay till he found
+Robin Hood chasing the deer through the woods. "What bold knave is
+that," said Robin, "that comes so freely to hinder my sport." "No knave
+am I," cried the tinker, "and that you soon will know to your cost;
+which of us have done wrong my crab-tree shall decide." The tinker and
+Robin then fought manfully, and the fray lasted three hours, or more,
+but at length the tinker thrashed Robin's bones so sore, that he made
+him cry out for peace. "One favour I have to beg," said Robin Hood, "and
+I pray thee to grant it me." "The only favour I will grant," said the
+tinker, "is to hang thee on a tree." But while the tinker turned round,
+Robin blew his horn, at the sound of which Little John and Will Scarlet
+quickly appeared, and said, "What is the matter, dear master, that you
+look so forlorn?" "Here is a tinker standing by," said Robin, "that has
+thrashed my bones sore." When they heard this they were going to seize
+him by the throat, but Robin said, "Let our quarrel now cease, that
+henceforth we may be friends with the tinker, and he with us; and if he
+will consent to be one of us, I will yearly give him fifty pounds, as
+long as he lives, which he may spend in the way which he likes best." So
+at last the tinker consented, and went along with them to their bower.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ _Robin Hood's Death._
+
+
+And now I must bring my stories to a close, and the unhappy death of
+valiant Robin Hood.
+
+Robin fell ill, and because he required to be treated with skill, he
+went to Kirkley Abbey, where they sent for a monk to bleed him, and this
+monk being eager to get the reward that King Henry had set upon Robin
+Hood's head, most treacherously bled him to death.
+
+Thus he that never feared a sword or a bow, or any man that lived, was
+basely killed, in letting of blood, and died without a friend to close
+his eyes. As soon as his men heard of his death they were filled with
+grief and dismay, and fled away in haste. Some of them crossed the seas
+and went to Flanders, some to France, and some to Spain and Rome.
+
+ Robin, Earl of Huntingdon,
+ Lies underneath this marble stone;
+ No archer ever was so good--
+ His name it was bold ROBIN HOOD.
+ Full thirty years, and something more,
+ These northern parts he vexed sore.
+ Such outlaws as he, in any reign,
+ May England never see again.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ HISTORY OF
+
+ DR. FAUSTUS
+
+ SHOWING
+
+ His wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself
+ to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do
+ what he pleased, also many strange things done by him
+ with the assistance of
+
+ MEPHISTOPHELES.
+
+ With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of
+ twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _Dr. Faustus' birth and education, with an account of his
+ falling from the Scriptures._
+
+
+Dr. John Faustus was born in Germany. His father was a poor labouring
+man, not able to bring up his son John; but he had a brother in the same
+country, who was a very rich man, but had never a child, and took a
+great fancy to his cousin, and he resolved to make a scholar of him; and
+in order thereunto, put him to the Latin school, where he took his
+learning extraordinary well. Afterwards he put him to the University to
+study divinity; but Faustus could in no ways fancy that employment;
+wherefore he betook himself to the studying of that which his
+inclination is most for, viz., necromancy and conjuration, and in a
+little time few or none could outstrip him in the art. He also studied
+divinity, of which he was made Doctor; but within a short time fell into
+such deep fancies and cogitations that he resolved to throw the
+Scriptures from him, and betake himself wholly to the studying of
+necromancy and conjuration, charms and soothsaying, witchcraft, and the
+like.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _How Dr. Faustus conjured up the Devil, making him appear
+ at his own house._
+
+
+Faustus, whose mind was to study conjuration, the which he followed
+night and day, he took the wings of an eagle, and endeavoured to fly
+over the world, to see and know all the secrets of heaven and earth; so
+that in a short time he attained power to command the Devil to appear
+before him when he pleased. One day as Dr. Faustus was walking in a wood
+near to Wurtemberg, in Germany, he having a friend with him who was
+desirous to know of the doctor's art, he desired him to let him see if
+he could then and there bring Mephistopheles before him; all which the
+doctor immediately did, and the devil upon the first call made such a
+noise in the wood as if heaven and earth would have come together; then
+the devil made such a roaring as if the wood had been full of wild
+beasts. The doctor made a circle for the devil, the which circle the
+devil ran round, making a noise as if ten thousand waggons had been
+running upon paved stones. After this it thundered and lightened, as if
+the whole world had been on fire. Faustus and his friend, amazed at this
+noise, and the devil's long tarrying, thought to leave his circle;
+whereupon he made him such music, the like was never heard in the world.
+This so ravished Faustus that he began again to conjure Mephistopheles
+in the name of the prince of the devils to appear in his own likeness;
+whereupon in an instant hung over his head a mighty dragon. Faustus
+calls again after his former manner, after which there was a cry in the
+wood as if hell had opened, and all the tormented souls had been there.
+Faustus, in the meanwhile, asked the devil many questions, and commanded
+him to show many diabolical tricks.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How Mephistopheles came to Dr. Faustus' house, and what
+ happened between them._
+
+
+Faustus commanded the spirit to meet him at his house by ten of the
+clock the next day. At the hour appointed he came into his chamber
+asking Faustus what he would have. Faustus told him it was his will and
+pleasure to conjure him to be obedient to him in all points of those
+articles, viz.:--
+
+First, That the spirit should serve him in all things he asked, from
+that time till his death.
+
+Secondly, Whatsoever he would have, he should bring him.
+
+Thirdly, Whatsoever he desired to know, he should tell him.
+
+The spirit answered him and said he had no such power of himself, until
+he had acquainted his prince that ruled over him. "For," said he, "we
+have rulers over us that send us out, and command us home when they
+please; and we can act no further than our power is, which we receive
+from Lucifer, who, you know, for his pride, was thrust out of heaven.
+But," saith the spirit, "I am not to tell you any more except you make
+yourself over to us."
+
+Whereupon Faustus said, "I will have my request? but yet I will not be
+damned with you." Then said the spirit, "You must not, nor shall not
+have your desire, and yet thou art mine, and all the world cannot save
+thee out of my hands." Then said Faustus, "Get thee hence, and I conjure
+thee that thou come to me at night." The spirit then vanished. Faustus
+then began to consider how he might obtain his desire, and not give his
+soul to the devil.
+
+And while Faustus was in these his devilish cogitations night drew on,
+and this hellish spirit appeared to Faustus, acquainting him that now he
+had got orders from his prince to be obedient to him, and to do for him
+whatsoever he desired, provided he would promise to be his, and withal
+to acquaint him first what he would have of him? Faustus replied that
+his desire was to become a spirit, and that Mephistopheles should be
+always, at his command; that whatsoever he called for him, he shall
+appear invisible to all men, and that he should appear in what shape he
+pleased, to which the spirit answered that all his desires should be
+granted if he would sign those articles he should wish or ask for.
+Whereupon Dr. Faustus withdrew and stabbed his wrist, receiving the
+blood in a small saucer, which cooled so fast, as if it forewarned him
+of the hellish act he was going to commit; nevertheless he put it over
+embers to warm it, and wrote as follows:--
+
+ "I, John Faustus, approved doctor of divinity, with my own hand do
+ acknowledge and testify myself to become a servant to Lucifer,
+ Prince of Septentrional and Oriental, and to him I freely and
+ voluntarily give both soul; in consideration for the space of
+ twenty-four years, if I be served in all things which I shall
+ require, or which is reasonable by him to be allowed; at the
+ expiration of which time from the date ensuing, I give to him all
+ power to do with me at his pleasure; to rule to retch and carry me
+ where he pleases body and soul. Hereupon I defy God and Christ, and
+ the hosts of angels and good spirits, all living creatures that
+ bear his shape, or on whom his image is imprinted; and to the
+ better strengthening the validity of this covenant and firm
+ agreement between us, I have writ it with my blood, and subscribe
+ my name to it, calling all the powers and infernal potentates to
+ witness it is my true intent and meaning." JOHN FAUSTUS.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _What happened to Faustus after the signing of the articles._
+
+
+When Faustus had made an end of his writing he called Mephistopheles to
+him, and delivered him the bond; whereupon the spirit told, him if he
+did not repent of what he had done, he should enjoy all the pleasure
+his thoughts could form, and that he would immediately divert him. He
+caused a kennel of hounds to run down a hart in the hall, and vanished;
+then a bull danced before Faustus, also there was a lion and a bear,
+which fell to fighting before Faustus, and the lion destroyed the bear;
+after that came a dragon and destroyed the lion. And this, with
+abundance of more pastime, did the spirit present to the doctor's view,
+concluding with all manner of music, with some hundreds of spirits,
+which came and danced before Faustus. After the music was over, and
+Faustus began to look about him, he saw ten sacks full of silver, which
+he went to dispose of, but could not, for none could handle it but
+himself, it was so hot. This pastime so pleased Faustus, that he gave
+Mephistopheles the will that he had made, and kept a copy of it in his
+own hands. The spirit and Faustus being agreed, they dwelt together, and
+the devil was in their house-keeping, for there was never anything given
+away to poor, which before Faustus made this contract was frequently
+done, but the case is now altered.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _How Faustus served the Duke of Bavaria._
+
+
+Faustus having sold his soul to the devil, it was reported among his
+neighbours, so that none would keep him company but his spirit playing
+merry tricks for to please him. Not far from Faustus' house lived the
+Duke of Bavaria, the Duke of Saxony, and the Bishop of Salisburgh, whose
+houses and cellars Mephistopheles used to visit, and to bring the best
+of everything they had. One day the Duke of Bavaria invited most of the
+gentry of the country to dinner, for whose entertainment there was
+abundance of provision got ready. The gentry being come, and ready to
+sit down to dinner, in an instant Mephistopheles came and took all away
+with him, leaving them full of admiration. If any time Faustus had a
+mind for wild fowl, the spirit would call whole flocks in at a window;
+also the spirit did teach Faustus to do the like so that no lock nor key
+could keep them out. The devil also taught Faustus to fly in the air,
+and to act many things that are incredible and too large for this small
+book to contain.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _How Dr. Faustus dreamed of Hell in his Sleep and what he
+ saw there._
+
+
+After Faustus had a long conference with his spirit concerning the fall
+of Lucifer, and the state and condition of all the fallen angels, he, in
+a vision or dream, saw hell and all the devils and souls that were
+tormented there; he saw hell divided into several cells, or deep holes;
+and for every cell, or deep ward, there was a devil appointed to punish
+those that were under his custody. Having seen this sight, he much
+marvelled at it; and at that time Mephistopheles being with him, he
+asked him what sort of people they were that lay in the first dark pit;
+then Mephistopheles told him they were those who pretended themselves to
+be physicians, and who had poisoned many thousands to try practice; "and
+now," saith the spirit, "they have just the same administered to them
+which they gave to others, though not with the same effect, for they
+will never die here," saith he. Over their heads was a shelf laden with
+gallipots full of poison. Having passed them he came to a long entry
+exceeding dark where there was a mighty crowd. He asked him what those
+were? and the spirit told him they were pick-pockets, who loved to be in
+a crowd, when they were in the other world, and to content them they put
+them in a crowd there. Amongst them were some padders on the highway,
+and those of that function. Walking farther he saw many thousands of
+vintners, and some millions of tailors, in so much that they could not
+feel where to get stowage for them; a great number of pastry cooks with
+peels on their heads. Walking farther, the spirit opening a great cellar
+door, from which arose a terrible noise, he asked what they were. The
+spirit told him they were witches, and those who had been pretended
+saints in the other world; but how they did squabble, fight, and tear
+one another! Not far from them lay the whoremongers and adulterers, who
+made such a hideous noise that he was very much startled. Walking down a
+few steps he espied an incredible number almost hid with smoke. He asked
+what they were? The spirit told him they were millers and bakers; but
+good lack, what a noise was there among them! The millers crying to the
+bakers, and the bakers crying to the millers for help, but all was in
+vain, for there was none to help them. Passing on still farther, he saw
+thousands of shopkeepers, some of whom he knew, who were tormented for
+defrauding and cheating their customers. Having taken this prospect of
+hell, the spirit Mephistopheles took him in his arms, and carried him
+home to his own house, when he awaking, he was amazed at what he saw in
+his dream. So being come to himself, he asked the spirit in what place
+hell was, and who made it? Mephistopheles answered, "Knowest thou, that
+before the fall of Lucifer, there was no hell, but upon his fall was
+hell ordained. As for the substance of hell, we devils do not know. It
+is the wrath of God that makes hell so furious, and what we procured by
+our fall; but where hell is, or how it is governed, and whatsoever thou
+desirest to know, when thou comest there thou shalt be satisfied as far
+as we know ourselves."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _Containing some Tricks of Dr. Faustus._
+
+
+Dr. Faustus having attained the desire of his spirit, had now full power
+to act or do anything whatever he pleased. Upon a time the Emperor had a
+desire to see him, and likewise some of the doctor's tricks; whereupon
+he was requested by the Emperor to do somewhat to make him merry; but
+the doctor in the meanwhile looking around him he at last espied a great
+lord looking out at a window, and the doctor calling his spirit to help
+him, he in an instant fastened a large pair of horns upon the lord's
+head, that he could not get his head in till Faustus took off the horns
+again, which were soon taken off invisibly. The lord whom Faustus served
+so was extremely vexed, and resolved to be revenged on the doctor, and
+to that end lay a mile out of town for Faustus' passing by, he being
+that day to depart for the country. Faustus coming by a wood side,
+beheld that lord mounted upon a mighty warlike horse, who ran full drift
+against Faustus, who, by the assistance of his spirit, took him and all,
+and carried before the Emperor's palace, and grafted a pair of horns on
+his head as big as an ox's, which he could never be rid of, but wore
+them to his dying day.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _How Faustus ate a load of Hay._
+
+
+Faustus upon a time having many doctors and masters of arts with him,
+went to walk in the fields, where they met with a load of hay. "How now,
+good fellow," saith Faustus, "what shall I give thee to fill my belly
+with hay?" The clown thought he had been a madman to talk of eating hay,
+told him he should fill his belly for one penny, to which the doctor
+agreed, and then fell to eating, and quickly devouring half of the load;
+at which the doctor's companions laughed, to see how simply the poor
+country fellow looked, and to hear how heartily he prayed the doctor to
+forbear. So Faustus pitying the poor man, went away, and before the man
+got near his house all the hay was in the cart that the doctor had
+eaten, which made the country fellow very much admire.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _How he struck a parcel of Students, who were fighting
+ together, blind; and how he served a parcel of Clowns
+ who were singing and ranting at an inn._
+
+
+Thirteen students meeting with seven more near Dr. Faustus' house, fell
+to, extremely, first in words and at last to blows. The thirteen being
+too hard for the seven, and Dr. Faustus looking out at his window and
+seeing the fray, and how much they were overmatched, conjured them all
+blind, so that the one could not see the other, and in this manner they
+fought one another, which made all that saw them laugh. At length the
+people parted them, and led them to their chambers, they instantly
+received their sight. The doctor coming into an inn with some friends,
+was disturbed by the hallowing and bawling of a parcel of drunken
+clowns, whereupon, when their mouths were wide open, he so conjured
+them, that by no means they could shut them again: and after they had
+stared one upon another, without being able to speak, thinking they were
+bewitched, they dropped away in a confused fear, one by one, and never
+could be got to the house afterwards.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ _How Faustus helped a Young Man to a Fair Lady._
+
+
+There was a gallant young gentleman who was in love with a fair lady,
+living at Wurtemberg, near the doctor's house. This gentleman had long
+sought this lady in marriage, but could not attain his desire, and
+having placed his affections so much upon her, he was ready to pine
+away, and had certainly died with grief, had he not made his address to
+the doctor, to whom he opened the whole matter. Now no sooner had the
+gentleman told his cause to the doctor, but he told him that he need not
+be afraid, for his desire should be fulfilled, and that he should have
+her whom he so much desired, and that this gentlewoman should have none
+but him, which was accordingly done, for the doctor so changed her mind
+that she could think of nothing else but him whom before she hated; and
+Faustus' desire was this: He gave him an enchanted ring which he ordered
+him to put into the lady's hand, or to slip it on her finger, which he
+did; and no sooner had she got the ring than her heart burned with love
+to him. She, instead of frowns, could do nothing but smile upon him,
+and not be at rest till she asked him if he thought he could love her,
+and make her his wife? He gladly answered with all his heart. So they
+were married the next day, and all by the help of Dr. Faustus.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XI.
+
+ _How Faustus made Seven Women dance naked in the Market-place._
+
+
+Faustus walking in the market-place, saw seven women sitting all in a
+row, selling eggs, butter, etc. Of every one he bought something and
+departed. No sooner was he gone but all the eggs and butter were gone
+out of their baskets, and they knew not how. At last they were told that
+Dr. Faustus had conjured their goods away. They thereupon ran speedily
+to the doctor's house, and so demanded satisfaction for the ware. He
+resolving to make himself and the town's people merry by his conjuring
+art, made them return to their baskets naked as ever they were born; and
+having danced a while in the market-place every one's goods were
+conjured into their baskets again, and they set at liberty.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XII.
+
+ _How Faustus served a Country Fellow who was driving Swine._
+
+
+Dr. Faustus, as he was going to Wurtemberg, overtook a country fellow
+driving a hundred swine, who were very headstrong, some running one way
+and some another; so that the driver could not tell how to get them
+drove along. The doctor taking notice of it, so by his conjuring art he
+made every one of them dance upon their two hind legs, with a fiddle in
+one of their fore feet, and with the other fore foot they played upon
+the fiddle, and so they danced and fiddled all the way until they came
+into Wurtemberg market, the driver of them dancing all the way before
+them, which made the people wonder. After the doctor had satisfied
+himself with the spirit he conjured all of the fiddles away, and the
+driver then offered them for sale, and quickly sold them all, and took
+the money; but before he was gone out of the house Faustus had conjured
+all the hogs out of the market-place, and sent them all home to the
+driver's house. The man who bought them, seeing all the swine gone,
+stopped the man who sold them and would have his money, which he was
+forced to pay, and so returned home sorrowful, and not knowing what to
+do; but, to his great surprise, found all the swine in their sties.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIII.
+
+ _How Faustus begun to bethink himself of the near approach of his End._
+
+
+Faustus having spun out his twenty-four years, within a month or two,
+began to consider what he should do to cheat the devil, but could not
+find any way to prevent his miserable end, which was now near, whereupon
+he thus cries out to himself, "Oh! miserable wretch that I am, I have
+given myself to the devil for a few years' pleasure, and now I must pay
+full dear. I have had my desires; my filthy lusts I have satisfied, and
+I must be tormented for ever and ever."
+
+A neighbour of his, a very good old man, hearing of his way of living,
+in compassion to his soul came to him, and with tears in his eyes
+besought him to have more regard to his most precious soul, laying
+before him the promise of God's grace and mercy, freely offered to
+repenting sinners, and spake so feelingly that Faustus shed tears, and
+promised to him that he would try to repent. This good man was no sooner
+gone away than Mephistopheles found him pensive and on his bed. Now
+Mephistopheles mustering what had happened, began to reproach him with
+breach of covenant to his lord Lucifer, and thereupon almost twisted his
+neck behind him, which made him cry out very lamentable; in the meantime
+threatening to tear him to pieces unless he renewed his obligation,
+which for fear, with much sorrow he did, in a manner the same as the
+former, which he confirmed by the latter.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIV.
+
+ _How Dr. Faustus was warned of the Spirit to prepare for his End._
+
+
+Faustus' full time being come, the spirit appeared to him, and showed
+him his writing, and told him that the next night the devil would fetch
+him away, which made the doctor's heart to ache. But to divert himself,
+he sent for some doctors and master bachelors of arts, and other
+students to take dinner with him, for whom he provided great store of
+varieties, with music and the like. But all would not keep up his
+spirits, for the hour drew near; whereupon his countenance changing, the
+doctors and masters of arts inquired of him the reasons of his
+melancholiness? to which Faustus answered, "My friends, you have known
+me these many years, and how I have practised all manner of wickedness.
+I have been a great conjurer, which devilish art I obtained of the
+devil; and also to obtain power to do whatever I pleased I sold myself
+to the devil for twenty-four years' time, which full time being out this
+night, makes me full of horror. I have called you, my friends, to see
+this my dreadful end; and I pray let my miserable death be a warning to
+you all how you study the devilish art of conjuring; for if once you
+begin it, a thousand to one but it will lead you to the devil, whither I
+am this night to go, whether I will or not." They hearing of this sad
+story blamed him for concealing it so long, telling him if he had made
+them acquainted before that they thought it might have been prevented.
+He told them he had a desire several times to have disclosed this
+intrigue; but the devil told him that if he did he would presently fetch
+him away. He also told them he had a desire to join with the godly, and
+to leave off that wicked course; but immediately the devil used to come
+and torment him, etc. "But now," saith Faustus, "it is but in vain for
+me to talk of what I did intend, for I have sold myself to the devil;
+body and soul is his." No sooner had he spoken these words, but
+suddenly it fell a thundering and lightning, the like was never heard;
+whereupon Faustus went into the great hall, the doctors and masters
+staying in the next room intending to hear his end. About twelve o'clock
+the house shook so terribly that they thought it would have been down
+upon them, and suddenly the house windows were broken to pieces, so that
+they trembled and wished themselves elsewhere, whereupon a great clap of
+thunder, with a whirlwind the doors flew open, and a mighty rushing of
+wind entered with the hissing of serpents, shrieks and cries, upon which
+he lamentably cried out "Murder," and there was such roaring in the hall
+as if all the devils in hell had been there. When daylight appeared they
+took the boldness to enter into the room, and found his brains beaten
+out against the wall and the floor sprinkled with blood; but missing his
+body, they went in search of it, and found it on the dunghill mangled
+and mashed to pieces. So ended this miserable wretch's life, forsaking
+God and all goodness, and given up to his implacable enemy, which we
+hope may stand not only as a fearful, but lasting monument and warning
+to others.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE WHOLE
+
+ LIFE AND DEATH
+
+ OF
+
+ LONG MEG
+
+ OF
+
+ WESTMINSTER.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _Where Meg was Born, her coming up to London, and
+ her Usage to the Honest Carrier._
+
+
+In the reign of Henry VIII. was born in Lancashire a maid called Long
+Meg. At eighteen years old she came to London to get her a
+service--Father Willis, the carrier, being the waggoner--and her
+neighbour brought her up with some other lasses. After a tedious
+journey, being in sight of the desired city, she demanded why they
+looked sad. "We have no money," said one, "to pay our fare." So Meg
+replies, "If that be all, I shall answer your demands," and this put
+them in some comfort. But as soon as they came to St. John's Street,
+Willis demanded their money. "Say what you will have," quoth she. "Ten
+shillings a piece," said he. "But we have not so much about us," said
+she. "Nay, then, I will have it out of your bones." "Marry, content,"
+replied Meg, and, taking a staff in her hand, so belaboured him and his
+man that he desired her for God's sake to hold her hand. "Not I," said
+she, "unless you bestow an angel on us for good luck, and swear e'er we
+depart to get us good addresses."
+
+The carrier, having felt the strength of her arm, thought it best to
+give her the money and promised not to go till he had got them good
+places.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _Of her being placed in Westminster, and what she did at
+ her Place._
+
+
+The carrier, having set up his horses, went with the lasses to the Eagle
+in Westminster, and told the landlady he had brought her three fine
+Lancashire lasses; and seeing she often asked him to get her a maid, she
+might now take her choice. "Marry," said she, "I want one at present,
+and here are three gentlemen who shall give their opinions." As soon as
+Meg came in they blessed themselves, crying,
+
+ "Domine, Domine, viee Originem."
+
+So her mistress demanded what was her name. "Margaret, forsooth," said
+she briskly. "And what work can you do?" She answered she had not been
+bred unto her needle, but to hard labour, as washing, brewing, and
+baking, and could make a house clean. "Thou art," quoth the hostess, "a
+lusty wench, and I like thee well, for I have often persons that will
+not pay." "Mistress," said she, "if any such come let me know, and I'll
+make them pay I'll engage." "Nay, this is true," said the carrier, "for
+my carcase felt it;" and then he told them how she served him. On this
+Sir John de Castile, in a bravado, would needs make an experiment of her
+vast strength; and asked her "if she durst exchange a box o' the ear
+with him." "Yes," quoth she, "if my mistress will give me leave." This
+granted, she stood to receive Sir John's blow, who gave her a box with
+all his might, but it stirred her not at all; but Meg gave him such a
+memorandum on his ear that Sir John fell down at her feet. "By my
+faith," said another, "she strikes a blow like an ox, for she hath
+knocked down an ass." So Meg was taken into service.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _The method Meg took to make one of the Vicars pay his Score._
+
+
+Meg so bestirred herself that she pleased her mistress, and for her
+tallness was called Long Meg of Westminster.
+
+One of the lubbers of the Abbey had a mind to try her strength, so,
+coming with six of his associates one frosty morning, calls for a pot of
+ale, which, being drank, he asked what he owed. To which Meg answers,
+"Five shillings and threepence."
+
+"O thou foul scullion, I owe thee but three shillings and one penny, and
+no more will I pay thee." And, turning to his landlady, complained how
+Meg had charged him too much. "The foul ill take me," quoth Meg, "if I
+misreckon him one penny, and therefore, vicar, before thou goest out of
+these doors I shall make thee pay every penny;" and then she immediately
+lent him such a box on the ears as made him reel again. The vicar then
+steps up to her, and together both of them went by the ears. The vicar's
+head was broke, and Meg's clothes torn off her back. So the vicar laid
+hold of her hair, but, he being shaved, she could not have that
+advantage; so, laying hold of his ears and keeping his pate to the post,
+asked him how much he owed her. "As much as you please," said he. "So
+you knave," quoth she, "I must knock out of your bald pate my
+reckoning." And with that she began to beat a plain song between the
+post and his pate. But when he felt such pain he roared out he would pay
+the whole. But she would not let him go until he laid it down, which he
+did, being jeered by his friends.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _Of her fighting and conquering Sir James of Castile,
+ a Spanish Knight._
+
+
+All this time Sir James continued his suit to Meg's mistress, but to no
+purpose. So, coming in one day and seeing her melancholy, asked what
+ailed her, for if anyone has wronged you I will requite you. "Marry,"
+quoth she, "a base knave in a white satin doublet has abused me, and if
+you revenge my quarrel I shall think you love me." "Where is he?" quoth
+Sir James. "Marry," said she, "he said he would be in St. George's
+Fields." "Well," quoth he, "do you and the doctor go along with me, and
+you shall see how I'll pummel the knave."
+
+Unto this they agreed, and sent Meg into St. George's Fields beforehand.
+"Yonder," said she, "walks the fellow by the windmill." "Follow me,
+hostess," said Sir James; "I will go to him." But Meg passed as if she
+would have gone by. "Nay, stay," said Sir James; "you and I part not so.
+I am this gentlewoman's champion, and fairly for her sake will have you
+by the ears." With that Meg drew her sword, and to it they went.
+
+At the first blow she hit him on the head, and often endangered him. At
+last she struck his weapon out of his hands, and, stepping up to him,
+swore all the world should not save him. "O save me, sir," said he; "I
+am a knight, and it is but a woman's matter; do not spill my blood."
+"Wert thou twenty knights," said Meg, "and was the king here himself, I
+would not spare thy life unless you grant me one thing." "Let it be what
+it will, you shall be obeyed." "Marry," said she, "that this night you
+wait on my plate at this woman's house and confess me to be your
+master."
+
+This being yielded to and a supper provided, Thomas Usher and others
+were invited to make up the feast, and unto whom Sir James told what had
+happened. "Pho!" said Usher jeeringly, "it is no such great dishonour
+for to be foiled by an English gentleman since Cæsar the Great was
+himself driven back by their extraordinary courage." At this juncture
+Meg came in, having got on her man's attire. "Then," said Sir James,
+"this is that valiant gentleman whose courage I shall ever esteem."
+Hereupon, she pulling off her hat, her hair fell about her ears, and she
+said "I am no other than Long Meg of Westminster, and so you are
+heartily welcome."
+
+At this they all fell a-laughing. Nevertheless, at supper time,
+according to agreement, Sir James was a proper page; and she, having
+leave of her mistress, sat in state like her majesty. Thus Sir James was
+disgraced for his love, and Meg was counted a proper woman.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _Her Usage to the Bailiff of Westminster, who came into
+ her Mistress's and arrested her Friend._
+
+
+A bailiff, having for the purpose took forty shillings, arrested a
+gentleman in Meg's mistress's house, and desired the company to keep
+peace. She, coming in, asked what was the matter. "O," said he, "I'm
+arrested." "Arrested! and in our house? Why this unkind act to arrest
+one in our house; but, however, take an angel and let him go." "No,"
+said the bailiff, "I cannot, for the creditor is at the door." "Bid him
+come in," said she, "and I'll make up the matter." So the creditor came
+in; but, being found obstinate, she rapped him on the head with a quart
+pot and bid him go out of doors like a knave. "He can but go to prison,"
+quoth she, "where he shall not stay long if all the friends I have can
+fetch him out."
+
+The creditor went away with a good knock, and the bailiff was going with
+his prisoner. "Nay," said she, "I'll bring a fresh pot to drink with
+him." She came into the parlour with a rope, and, knitting her brows,
+"Sir Knave," said she, "I'll learn thee to arrest a man in our house.
+I'll make thee a spectacle for all catchpoles;" and, tossing the rope
+round his middle, said to the gentleman, "Sir, away, shift for yourself;
+I'll pay the bailiff his fees before he and I part." Then she dragged
+the bailiff unto the back side of the house, making him go up to his
+chin in a pond, and then paid him his fees with a cudgel, after which he
+went away with the amends in his hands, for she was so well beloved that
+no person would meddle with her.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _Of her meeting with a Nobleman, and her Usage to
+ him and to the Watch._
+
+
+Now it happened she once put on a suit of man's apparel. The same night
+it fell out that a young nobleman, being disposed for mirth, would go
+abroad to see the fashions, and, coming down the Strand, espies her;
+and, seeing such a tall fellow, asked him whither he was going. "Marry,"
+said she, "to St. Nicholas's to buy a calve's head." "How much money
+hast thou?" "In faith," said she, "little enough; will you lend me any?"
+"Aye," said he; and, putting his thumb into her mouth, said, "There's a
+tester." She gave him a good box on the ear, and said, "There's a groat;
+now I owe you twopence." Whereupon the nobleman drew, and his man too;
+and she was as active as they, so together they go. But she drove them
+before her into a little chandler's shop, insomuch that the constable
+came in to part the fray, and, having asked what they were, the nobleman
+told his name, at which they all pulled off their caps. "And what is
+your name?" said the constable. "Mine," said she, "is Cuthbert Curry
+Knave." Upon this the constable commanded some to lay hold on her and
+carry her to the compter. She out with her sword and set upon the watch,
+and behaved very resolutely; but the constable calling for clubs, Meg
+was forced to cry out, "Masters, hold your hands, I am your friend; hurt
+not Long Meg of Westminster." So they all stayed their hands, and the
+nobleman took them all to the tavern; and thus ended the fray.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _Meg goes a shroving, fights the Thieves of St. James's
+ Corner, and makes them restore Father Willis,
+ the Carrier, his hundred marks._
+
+
+Not only the cities of London and Westminster, but Lancashire also, rung
+of Meg's fame, so they desired old Willis, the carrier, to call upon
+her, which he did, taking with him the other lasses. Meg was joyful to
+see them, and it being Shrove Tuesday, Meg went with them to
+Knightsbridge, and spent most of the day with repeating tales of their
+friends in Lancashire; and so tarried the carrier, who again and again
+inquired how all did there, and made the time seem shorter than it was.
+The night growing on, the carrier and the two other lasses were
+importunate to be gone, but Meg was loath to set out, and so stayed
+behind to discharge the reckoning, and promised to overtake them.
+
+It was their misfortune at St. James's Corner to meet with two thieves
+who were waiting there for them, and took a hundred marks from Willis,
+the carrier, and from the two wenches their gowns and purses. Meg came
+up immediately after, and then the thieves, seeing her also in a female
+habit, thought to take her purse also; but she behaved herself so well
+that they began to give ground. Then said Meg, "Our gowns and purses
+against your hundred marks; win all and wear all." "Content," quoth
+they. "Now, lasses, pray for me," said Meg. With that she buckled with
+these two knaves, beat one and so hurt the other that they entreated her
+to spare their lives. "I will," said she, "upon conditions." "Upon any
+condition," said they. "Then," said she, "it shall be thus--
+
+ 1. That you never hurt a woman nor any company she is in.
+ 2. That you never hurt lame or impotent men.
+ 3. That you never hurt any children or innocents.
+ 4. That you rob no carrier of his money.
+ 5. That you rob no manner of poor or distressed.
+
+"Are you content with these conditions?" "We are," said they. "I have no
+book about me," said she, "but will you swear on my smock tail?" which
+they accordingly did, and then she returned the wenches their gowns and
+purses, and old Father Willis, the carrier, a hundred marks.
+
+The men desiring to know who it was had so lustily beswinged them,
+said--"To alleviate our sorrow, pray tell us your name." She smiling
+replied--"If anyone asks you who banged your bones, say Long Meg of
+Westminster once met with you."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _Meg's Fellow Servant pressed; her Usage of the Constable;
+ and of her taking Press Money to go to Boulogne._
+
+
+In those days were wars between England and France, and a hot press
+about London. The constables of Westminster pressed Meg's fellow
+servant, and she told them if they took him her mistress was undone.
+
+All this could not persuade the constable, but Harry must go, on which
+she lent the constable a knock. Notice being given to the captain, he
+asked who struck him. "Marry," quoth Meg, "I did, and if I did not love
+soldiers I'd serve you so too." So, taking a cavalier from a man's hand,
+she performed the exercise with such dexterity that they wondered,
+whereupon she said--"Press no man, but give me press money and I will go
+myself." At this they all laughed, and the captain gave her an angel,
+whereupon she went with him to Boulogne.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _Of her Beating the Frenchman off the Walls of Boulogne, for
+ which gallant behaviour she is rewarded by the King
+ with Eightpence per Day for Life._
+
+
+King Henry, passing the seas, took Boulogne. Hereupon the Dauphin with a
+great number of men surprised and retook it. Meg, being a laundress in
+the town, raised the best of the women; and, with a halberd in her hand,
+came to the walls, on which some of the French had entered, and threw
+scalding water and stones at them that she often obliged them to quit
+the town before the soldiers were up in arms. And at the sally she came
+out the foremost with her halberd in her hand to pursue the chase.
+
+The report of this deed being come to the ears of the king, he allowed
+her for life eightpence a day.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ _Of her fighting and beating a Frenchman before Boulogne._
+
+
+During this she observed one who in a bravado tossed his pike. She,
+seeing his pride, desired a drum to signify that a young soldier would
+have a push at pike with him. It was agreed on, and the place appointed
+life against life.
+
+On the day the Frenchman came, and Meg met him, and without any salute
+fell to blows; and, after a long combat, she overcame him, and cut off
+his head. Then, pulling off her hat, her hair fell about her ears.
+
+By this the Frenchman knew it was a woman, and the English giving a
+shout, she, by a drummer, sent the Dauphin his soldier's head, and said,
+"An English woman sent it."
+
+The Dauphin much commended her, sending her a hundred crowns for her
+valour.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XI.
+
+ _Of her coming to England and being Married._
+
+
+The wars in France being over, Meg came to Westminster and married a
+soldier, who, hearing of her exploits, took her into a room, and, making
+her strip to her petticoat, took one staff and gave her another, saying,
+"As he had heard of her manhood, he was determined to try her." But Meg
+held down her head, whereupon he gave her three or four blows, and she
+in submission fell down upon her knees desiring him to pardon her.
+"For," said she, "whatever I do to others, it behoves me to be obedient
+to you; and it shall never be said, if I cudgel a knave that injures me,
+Long Meg is her husband's master; and therefore use me as you please."
+So they grew friends, and never quarrelled after.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XII.
+
+ _Long Meg's Usage to an angry Miller._
+
+
+Meg going one day with her neighbours to make merry, a miller near
+Epping looking out, the boy they had with them, about fourteen years
+old, said--"Put out, miller, put out." "What must I put out?" said he.
+"A thief's head and ears," said the other.
+
+At this the miller came down and well licked him, which Meg endeavoured
+to prevent, whereupon he beat her. But she wrung the stick from him, and
+then cudgelled him severely; and having done, sent the boy to the mill
+for an empty sack, and put the miller in all but his head; and then,
+fastening him to a rope, she hauled him up half way, and there left him
+hanging. The poor miller cried out for help, and if his wife had not
+come he had surely been killed, and the mill, for want of corn, set on
+fire.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIII.
+
+ _Of her keeping House at Islington, and her Laws._
+
+
+After marriage she kept a house at Islington. The constable coming one
+night, he would needs search Meg's house, whereupon she came down in her
+shift with a cudgel, and said--"Mr. Constable, take care you go not
+beyond your commission, for if you do I'll so cudgel you as you never
+was since Islington has been." The constable, seeing her frown, told her
+he would take her word, and so departed.
+
+Meg, because in her house there should be a good decorum, hung up a
+table containing these principles:--
+
+First. If a gentleman or yeoman had a charge about him, and told her of
+it, she would repay him if he lost it; but if he did not reveal it, and
+said he was robbed, he should have ten bastinadoes, and afterwards be
+turned out of doors.
+
+Secondly. Whoever called for meat and had no money to pay should have a
+box on the ear and a cross on the back that he might be marked and
+trusted no more.
+
+Thirdly. If any good fellow came in and said he wanted money, he should
+have his belly full of meat and two pots of drink.
+
+Fourthly. If any raffler came in and made a quarrel, and would not pay
+his reckoning, to turn into the fields and take a bout or two with Meg,
+the maids of the house should dry beat him, and so thrust him out of
+doors.
+
+These and many such principles she established in her house, which kept
+it still and quiet.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ FAMOUS HISTORY
+
+ OF THE LEARNED
+
+ FRIAR BACON GIVING
+
+ A Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage,
+ with the many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime,
+ to the amazement of all the World.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _Friar Bacon's Birth and Parentage, and by what means he came
+ to be so great a Scholar. How the King sent for him from
+ Oxford, and in what wonderful manner he pleased the King's Five
+ Senses; also the Comical Pranks he played with a Courtier sent
+ to fetch him._
+
+
+The famous Friar Bacon, whose name has spread through the world, was
+born in Lancashire; his father's name was Ralph Bacon, and his name
+Roger. From his infancy he was observed to have a profound, pregnant
+wit; as he grew up, a great reader of books and desirous of learning,
+which to admiration he took so fast that his schoolmaster could teach
+him no further, and being about to send him home, with commendations, to
+his father, he, fearing the worst, humbly besought him to prevail, if
+possible, with his father that he might be sent to the University, where
+he had a desire to go and learn the liberal sciences.
+
+His schoolmaster denied him not his request, but went home with him,
+and, taking the old man aside, told him he had learned his son as far as
+he was able, that he took it in extremely well, and was willing to
+improve it at the University, and that he was verily persuaded, by the
+promptness he perceived in him, if he would be at a little charge with
+him there, he would be so great a proficient as would advance him to an
+eminent station.
+
+The old man heard this with some indignation, but concealed his anger
+till the schoolmaster was gone, and then, taking his son to task, said,
+"How now, sirrah! have not I been at cost enough already, but are you
+itching to put me to more? Methinks I have given you such learning as to
+enable you, in time, to be a constable or churchwarden of the parish,
+and far outdo those in the office that can neither read nor write; let
+that suffice. As for the rest of your business for the future, it is to
+learn horse language and whistle well, that you may be dexterous at
+driving the plough and cart and managing the sheep and oxen; for,
+sirrah," continued he, "have I anybody else to leave my farm to but you,
+and yet you take upon you, forsooth, to be a scholard, and consequently
+a gentleman; for they all profess themselves so, though never so
+beggarly, living lazily, and eating up the fat of other men's labours,
+marry gaup! Goodman Twoshoes, your great-grandfather, your grandfather,
+and I, have thought it no scorn to dig and delve; and pray what better
+are you than us? Here, sirrah, take this whip and go with me to plough,
+or I'll so lace your fine scholarship that you had better this had never
+been mentioned to me."
+
+Young Bacon was much displeased and highly grieved, but durst not reply,
+knowing his father to be a very hasty, choleric old man; however, this
+sort of living so little agreed with his sprightly genius that in a
+short time he gave him the slip, and going to a monastery, making his
+desires known to the superior, he kindly entertained him, and made him a
+brother of the Augustin Friars. There he profited so much that in a few
+years he was sent to Oxford to study at their charge, where he soon grew
+such a proficient that his fame soon spread, not only in the University,
+but also over all England, and came to the ears of King Edward the
+Third, who then reigned; and he, taking a progress with his queen and
+nobles, was desirous to see him, and have an experiment of his art; so
+that, being at a nobleman's house within four miles of the city of
+Oxford, he sent a gentleman of his bedchamber to desire him to come to
+him. The knight delayed not the message, and, finding him at his study,
+did his errand. The friar told him he would be with his majesty, and bid
+him make haste or he should be there before him. At this he smiled,
+being well mounted, saying scholars and travellers might lie by
+authority. "Well," said Friar Bacon, "to convince you, I will not only
+be there before you, ride as fast as you can, but I will there show you
+the cook-maid you lay with last, though she is now busy dressing the
+dinner at Sir William Belton's, a hundred miles distance from this
+place." "Well," said the gentleman of the bedchamber, "I doubt not but
+one will be as true as the other;" so, mounting, rode laughing away, and
+thinking to be at the king's quarters in a short space, he spurred his
+horse valiantly; but suddenly a mist arose, that he knew not which way
+to go, and, missing the way, he turned down a bye-lane and rode over
+hedge and ditch, backwards and forwards, till the charm was dissolved.
+
+When the friar came into the king's presence he did him obeisance, and
+was kindly welcomed by him. Then said the king, "Worthy Bacon, having
+heard much of your fame, the cause of my sending for you was to be a
+spectator of some fine curiosities in your art." The friar excused at
+first; but the king pressing it, promised on his royal word no harm
+should come to him, he bid all keep silence, and, waving his magic wand,
+there presently to their great amazement, ensued the most melodious
+music they had ever heard, which continued very ravishing for nearly
+half an hour. Then, waving his wand, another kind of music was heard,
+and presently dancers in antic shapes at a masquerade entered the room,
+and having danced incomparably well, they vanished. Waving his wand the
+third time, louder music was heard, and whilst that played, a table was
+placed by an invisible hand, richly spread with all the dainties that
+could be thought of. Then he desired the king and queen to draw their
+seats near, and partake of the repast he had prepared for their
+highnesses: which, after they had done, all vanished. He waved the
+fourth time, and thereupon the place was perfumed with all the sweets of
+Arabia, or that the whole world could produce. Then waving the fifth
+time, there came in Russians, Persians, and Polanders, dressed in the
+finest soft fur, silks, and downs of rare fowls, that are to be found in
+the universe, which he bid them feel, and then the strangers, having
+danced after their own country fashion, vanished.
+
+In this sort Friar Bacon pleased their five senses, to their admiration
+and high satisfaction; so that the king offered him money, but he
+refused it, saying he could not take it. However, the king pressed on
+him a jewel of great value, commanding him to wear it as a mark of his
+favour. Whilst this was doing, the gentleman of the bedchamber came in,
+puffing and blowing, all bemired and dirty, and his face and hands
+scratched with the bushes and briars. The king, at this sight, demanded
+why he stayed so long, and how he came in that condition? "Oh, plague,"
+said he, "take Friar Bacon and all his devils! they have led me a fine
+dance, to the endangering of my neck. But is the dog here? I'll be
+revenged on him!" Then he laid his hand on his sword, but Bacon, waving
+his wand, charmed it in his scabbard, so he could not draw it out,
+saying, "I fear not your anger; 'tis best for you to be quiet, lest a
+worse thing befall you." Then he told the king how he gave him the lie,
+when he told him he would be there before him.
+
+Whilst he was thus speaking, in came the cook-maid, brought by a spirit,
+at the window, with a spit and a roasted shoulder of mutton on it, being
+thus surprised as she was taking it from the fire; and wishfully staring
+about her, and espying the gentleman, she cried, "O my sweet knight, are
+you here? Pray, sir, remember you promised to provide linen and other
+necessaries for me. Our secret sins have grown, and I've two months to
+reckon," and hereupon she ran towards him to embrace him; but he turning
+aside, she was carried out at another window to her master's house
+again.
+
+This was the cause of both amazement and laughter, though the gentleman
+was much ashamed and confounded to be thus exposed, still muttering
+revenge; but Friar Bacon told him his best way was to put up all, since
+he had verified all his promises, and bid him have a care how he gave a
+scholar the lie again.
+
+The king and queen, well pleased with the entertainment, highly
+commending his art, and promising him their favour and protection, took
+their leave of the friar, returning to London, and he to his study at
+Brazen Nose College.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _How Friar Bacon put a Comical Trick upon his man Miles,
+ who, pretending Abstinence on a Fast Day, concealed
+ Victuals in his Pocket to eat in a Corner._
+
+
+Friar Bacon kept a man to wait on him who, though but a simple fellow,
+yet a merry droll and full of waggeries. His name was Miles, and though
+his master and those of the order often fasted on set days, Miles loved
+his guts too well to pinch them, and though outwardly he seemed to fast
+for compliance, he always kept a private reserve to eat in a corner,
+which Bacon knew by art, and resolved to put a trick upon him. It so
+happened on Good Friday, in Lent, a strict fast was held, and Miles
+seemed very devout; for when his master bid him, however, take a bit of
+bread and a sip of wine early in the morning to keep him from fainting,
+he refused it, saying he was a great sinner, and therefore ought to do
+more than this for his mortification, and to gain absolution, making a
+great many pretences of sanctity, and how well he was inclined to keep
+the holy fast. "'Tis well," said the friar, "if I catch you not
+tripping." Hereupon Miles went to his cell, pretending to pray, but
+indeed to eat a fine pudding he had concealed: which he had no sooner
+put into his mouth at one end, but it stuck there; he could neither eat
+it nor get it out. The use of his hands failed, and he was taken with a
+shivering all over, so that, thinking he should have died presently, he
+cried piteously out for help; whereupon Friar Bacon, calling the
+scholars together, went in to see what was the matter, and perceiving
+him in that plight said, smiling, "Now I see what a penitent servant I
+have, who was so conscientious he would not touch a bit of bread, but
+would willingly have devoured two pounds of pudding to have broke his
+fast." He piteously entreated him to dissolve the charm and deliver him,
+and he would never do so again. "Nay," said the friar, "you shall do
+penance for this;" so, taking hold of the end of the pudding, he led
+him out to the scholars, saying, "See, here's a queasy-stomached fellow,
+that would not touch a bit of bread to-day!" When they saw him in this
+plight, they all fell heartily a-laughing; but Friar Bacon, not so
+contented, led him to the college gate, and by enchantment fixing the
+end of the pudding to the bar, he was made so fast to it as if it had
+been by a cable rope, and on his back were placed these lines:--
+
+ "This is Friar Bacon's man, who vow'd to fast,
+ But, dissembling, thus it took at last;
+ The pudding more religion had than he;
+ Though he would eat it, it will not down, you see.
+ Then of hypocrisy pray all beware,
+ Lest like disgrace be each dissembler's share."
+
+Miles all the while was jeered and sported with by all the scholars and
+town's people, but, after four hour's penance, his master dissolved the
+charm, and released him, and he ever after kept the fasts, not so much
+out of religion as for fear that a worse trick should be put upon him.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How Friar Bacon saved a Gentleman who had sold
+ himself to the Devil for Money, and put a Trick
+ upon the Old Deceiver of Mankind._
+
+
+When Friar Bacon flourished at Oxford, a young gentleman, by his
+prodigality, having run out his estate and involved himself in debt,
+grew exceeding pensive and melancholy, purposing to make himself away,
+in order to put an end to his miseries and the scorns that were put
+daily upon him by his former companions, being also utterly cast off by
+his friends; so, walking by a wood side, full of sorrow, he met, as he
+thought, an old man in good clothing, who saluted him and demanded the
+cause of his melancholy, and why he walked so solitary. At first he
+refused to tell him, as thinking he could do him no good; but the other
+urging it, promised to assist him if he wanted anything. He said, "I am
+in want. I want fine clothes, as I used to have; I want money to buy
+food, pay debts, redeem my mortgaged land, and many things more. Can you
+help me to enough to do it?" "I can," said the old man, "on one
+condition." "What's that?" said the gentleman. "If it be anything
+tolerable I shall not refuse it, for I cannot be well worse or in
+greater hardship than I am now." "Why," said the other, "the matter is
+not so much; you shall only oblige yourself when I have furnished you
+with money to do all you have named and you have paid every one you owe
+a farthing to, to become obedient to me, and be disposed of at my
+pleasure." Now the young man, taking him for a usurer, and very rich,
+supposed this obligation was only a fetch to marry his daughter or some
+kinswoman of his, which he could be well contented to do, not doubting
+to have a good portion, and therefore scrupled not to do as he desired.
+Upon this he bid him meet him the next morning, about the same time,
+when he would have the writing ready; and on signing he should have the
+money. So they parted, and the gentleman delayed not coming, without
+asking advice, and was as punctually met; but when he saw the writing in
+blood he was startled a little, but the old man told him it was only a
+whim of his own to have it so written to distinguish it from other
+men's, and put his debtors more in mind to repay the money he lent them.
+Upon this speech, and the gentleman's seeing store of gold and silver
+brought by three or four of whom he supposed to be servants, he believed
+it. "But how," said he, "shall I write with the same?" "Oh," said he,
+"let me see. I'll prick your right vein," which he did, whilst the
+gentleman found an unusual trembling and an inward remorse in his mind.
+However, taking the bloody pen in his hand, he desperately subscribed
+and sealed the writing. Then, telling the money into a cloak bag, he
+laid it on his horse, and they, with much ceremony, took leave of each
+other. The gentleman laughed in his sleeve to think how he would find
+him out, seeing he had not asked, nor himself told him, where he lived.
+
+Soon after he summoned all his creditors, paid them to a farthing,
+redeemed his land, went gallant, and recovered his esteem in the world;
+but one evening as he was looking over his writings in his closet, he
+heard somebody rap at the door, when, opening it, he saw the party he
+had borrowed the money of, with the writing in his hand, who told him he
+was now come to demand him, and he must now go along with him; for to
+his knowledge he had paid his debts, and done whatever was agreed to.
+The gentleman, wondering how he should know this so soon, denied it.
+"Nay," replied he, fiercely, "deny it not, for I'll not be cheated of my
+bargain," and thereupon changed into a horrible shape, struck him almost
+dead with fear, for now he perceived it was the devil. Then he told him
+if he did not meet on the morrow, in the same place he had lent him the
+money, he would come the next day and tear him to pieces. "And," says
+he, "if I prove not what I say, you shall be quiet"; and so vanished out
+of the window in a flash of flame, with horrible bellowings. The
+gentleman, seeing himself in this case, began to weep bitterly, and
+wished he had been contented in his sad condition, rather than have
+taken such a desperate way to enrich himself, and was almost at his
+wits' end.
+
+Friar Bacon, knowing by his art what had passed, came to comfort him,
+and having heard the whole story, bid him not despair, but pray and
+repent of his sins, and he would contrive to show the devil a trick that
+should release him from his obligation. This greatly comforted the
+gentleman, and he promised to do whatever the friar should order him.
+"Then," says he, "meet at the time appointed, and I will be near. Offer
+to put the decision of the controversy to the next that comes by, and
+that shall be myself, and I will find a way infallibly to give it on
+your side." Accordingly he met, and the devil consented to put it to
+arbitration. Then Friar Bacon appearing, "Lo," said the gentleman,
+"here's a proper judge. This learned friar shall determine it, and if it
+goes against me, you have free liberty to do with me as you please."
+"Content," said the devil. Then each of them told their story, and the
+writing was produced, with all the acquittances he had taken; for the
+devil, contrary to his knowledge, had stolen them and the other writings
+belonging to his estate out of his closet. The friar, weighing well the
+matter, asked the gentleman whether he had paid the devil any of the
+money he borrowed of him. "No," replied he, "not one farthing." "Why
+then," said he, "Mr. Devil, his debts are not discharged; you are his
+principal creditor, and, according to this writing, can lay no claim to
+him till every one of his debts are discharged." "How! how!" replied the
+devil, "am I outwitted then? O friar, thou art a crafty knave!" and
+thereupon vanished in a flame, raising a mighty tempest of thunder,
+lightning, and rain; so that they were wet through before they could get
+shelter. Then Bacon charged him he should never pay the devil a farthing
+of his debt, whatever shape he came in, or artifice he used to wheedle
+him out of it, and then he could have no power over him. The gentleman
+on this, living a temperate frugal life, grew very rich, and leaving no
+children at his death, bequeathed his estate to Brazen Nose College,
+because Friar Bacon, a member of it, had delivered him from so great a
+danger of body and soul.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _How Friar Bacon framed a Brazen Head which, by
+ Enchantment, was to Speak; by that means
+ all England had been walled with Brass, if the Folly
+ of his man Miles, who was set to watch the Head,
+ had not disappointed it, not timely calling
+ his Master to answer it, for which he
+ was struck Dumb many Days._
+
+
+Friar Bacon, being now a profound proficient in the art of magic and
+many other sciences, contrived, with one Friar Bungey, who was his
+pupil, to do something memorable for the good of his country, and many
+things they cast in their minds. At last they remembered that England
+had often been harassed and invaded by the Romans, Saxons, Danes,
+Normans, and other nations at sundry times, to the great effusion of
+blood, and often alteration of the constitution of governments; and if
+anything might be contrived to prevent the like for the future, they
+should thereby raise a lasting monument to their names.
+
+Bacon, upon this, concluded to frame a head of brass, and if, by their
+art, they could cause it to speak, and answer their demands, they
+required that all the sea-girt shores of England and Wales should be
+walled with brass, and brazen towers be raised on the frontiers of
+Scotland, to hinder the incursions and rovings of the hardy Scots.
+
+They laboured to do this by art, but could not; so they conjured up a
+spirit, to inquire of the infernal council whether it might be done or
+not. The spirit, however, was unwilling to answer, till Friar Bacon
+threatened with his charms to bind him in chains in the Red Sea or to a
+burning rock, and make him the sport of wrecking whirlwinds.
+
+Terrified by this means, he said of himself he could give no answer, but
+must inquire of his lord, Lucifer. They granted him two days for an
+answer. Accordingly he returned this:--"If they for two months would
+carefully watch the head, it should in that time speak, but the certain
+time should not be known to them, and then, if they did hear it, they
+should be answered."
+
+At this they much rejoiced, and watched by turns very carefully for six
+weeks, and no voice was uttered. At length, tired out, and broken for
+want of their natural rest, they concluded some other might watch as
+well as they, till they refreshed themselves in repose, and call them
+when the head began to speak, which would be time enough; and because
+this was a secret they did not care for having it known till they saw
+what they should make of it. Bacon thereupon proposed his man Miles, and
+Bungey approved of it; so they called Miles, told him the nature of the
+brazen head and what was intended, by giving him a strict charge on his
+life, to awake them as soon as ever he heard it speak.
+
+"For that, master," said he, "let me alone. I warrant you I'll do your
+business effectually, never fear it." So he got him a long sword by his
+side, and a tabor and pipe to play, and keep him awake if any drowsiness
+or the like should overtake him.
+
+The charge being given, and he thus accoutred, the two friars went to
+rest in the next apartment. Miles then began to pipe and sing songs of
+his sweethearts and frolics:--
+
+ "Bessy, that is so frolic and gay,
+ Like a cat she loves with her tail to play;
+ Though sometimes she'll pant and frown,
+ All's well when her anger goes down.
+
+ "She'll never say nay, but sport and play;
+ O, Bessy to me is the queen of the May;
+ For Margery she is peevish and proud;
+ Come, fiddlers, then, and scrape the crowd."
+
+Whilst his merriment passed, after a hoarse noise, like thunder almost
+spent, the head spoke distinctly, "TIME IS." "Oh ho!" says Miles, "is
+this all the news you can tell me? Well, copper nose, has my master
+taken all this pains about you, and you can speak no wiser? Dost thou
+think I am such a fool to break his sweet slum for this? No, speak
+wiser, or he shall sleep on. Time is, quotha! Why, I know time is, and
+that thou shalt hear, goodman kettle jaws.
+
+ "Time is for some to gain,
+ Time is for some to lose;
+ Time is for some to hand,
+ But then they cannot choose.
+
+ Time is to go a score,
+ Time is when one should pay:
+ Time is to reckon, too,
+ But few care for that day.
+
+ Time is to graft the born
+ Upon another's head;
+ Time is to make maids' hearts swell,
+ Oh, then 'tis time they're wed.
+
+"Hear'st thou this, goodman copper nose? We scholars know when time is,
+without thy babbling. We know when time is to drink good sack, eat well,
+kiss our hostesses, and run on the score. But when time is to pay them
+is indeed but seldom."
+
+While thus he merrily discoursed, about half an hour after the same
+noise began as before, and the head said, "TIME WAS." "Well," said
+Miles, "this blockish head is the foolishest thing my wise master ever
+troubled himself about. How would he have laughed, had he been here, to
+hear it prat so simply! Therefore, thou brazen-faced ass, speak wiser,
+or I shall never trouble my head to awake him. Time was, quotha! thou
+ass thou! I know that, and so thou shalt hear, for I find my master has
+watched and tutored thee to a fine purpose.
+
+ "Time was when thou, a kettle,
+ Was wont to hold good matter;
+ But Friar Bacon did thee spoil
+ When he thy sides did batter.
+
+ Time was when conscience dwelt
+ With men of each vocation;
+ Time was when lawyers did not thrive
+ So well by men's vexations.
+
+ Time was when charity
+ Was not denied a being;
+ Time was when office kept no knaves;
+ That time was worth the seeing.
+
+"Ay, ay, and time was for many other things. But what of that, goodman
+brazen face? I see my master has placed me here on a very foolish
+account. I think I'd as good go to sleep, too, as to stay watching here
+to no purpose." Whilst he thus scoffed and taunted, the head spoke a
+third time, and said, "TIME IS PAST!" and so, with a horrid noise, fell
+down and broke to pieces. Whereupon ensued lamentable shrieks and cries,
+flashes of fire, and a rattling as of thunder, which awaking the two
+friars, they came running in, in great disorder found Miles rolling on
+the floor, in a stinking pickle, almost dead with fear, and the head
+lying shattered about the room in a thousand pieces. Then, having
+brought him to his senses again, they demanded how this came. "Nay, the
+devil knows better than I," said Miles, "I believe he was in this plaguy
+head: for when it fell, it gave a bounce like a cannon." "Wretch that
+thou art!" said Bacon, "trifle not with my impatience. Didst thou hear
+it speak, varlet! answer me that."
+
+"Why, truly," said Miles, "it did speak, but very simply, considering
+you have been so long a-tutoring it. I protest I could have taught a
+jackdaw to have spoke better in two days. It said, 'TIME IS.'" "Oh,
+villain!" says Bacon, "had'st thou called me then, all England had been
+walled with brass, to my immortal fame." "Then," continued Miles, "about
+half an hour after, it said, 'TIME WAS.'" "O, wretch! how my anger burns
+against thee. Had you but called me then, it might have done what I
+desired." "Then," said he, "it said, 'TIME'S PAST'; and so fell down
+with the horrid noise that waked you and made me, I am sure, befoul my
+breeches; and since here's so much to do about time, I think it's time
+for me to retire and clean myself." "Well, villain," says Bacon, "thou
+has lost all our cost and pains by thy foolish negligence." "Why," said
+Miles, "I thought it would not have stopped when it once began, but
+would have gone on and told me some pleasant story, or have commanded me
+to have called you, and I should have done it; but I see the devil is a
+cunning sophister, and all hell would not allow him tinkers and brass
+enough to do the work, and therefore has put this trick upon us to get
+oft from his promise." "How, slave," said the friar, "art thou at
+buffoonery, now thou hast done me this great injury? Sirrah! because you
+think the head spake not enough to induce you to call us, you shall
+speak less in two months' space," and with that, by enchantment, he
+struck him dumb to the end of that time, and would have done worse had
+not Bungey had compassion on the fellow's simplicity and persuaded him
+from it.
+
+And thus ends the history of that famous Friar Bacon, who had done a
+deed which would have made his fame ring through all ages yet to come,
+had it not been for the simplicity of his man Miles.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE HISTORY
+
+ OF
+
+ THE BLIND BEGGAR
+
+ OF BETHNAL GREEN,
+
+ CONTAINING
+
+ His Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars and
+ Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green;
+ how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her
+ being Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind
+ Beggar dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the
+ Knight and the Beggar's Daughter being Married;
+ and, lastly, how the famous Pedigree of the Beggar was
+ discovered, with other Things worthy of Note.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _How Monford went to the Wars of France, where he lost his
+ Sight; how he was accompanied with his Wife, who
+ preserved his Life, and of his Return to England, etc._
+
+
+In former days, when the rose of England eclipsed the lilies of France,
+and true English valour made that nation stoop, among other brave
+gallants that went over to try their fortune, Monford was one, a person
+well descended, who, being naturally inclined to war and greedy of fame,
+neither the entreaty of friends nor the marriage he had contracted with
+a kind, beautiful woman, could alter his purpose; but taking his wife
+Margaret with him, he, with many hundreds more, crossed the seas, and
+with the help of a prosperous wind, arriving at Calais, marched to the
+royal standard, accompanied with his loving wife, who, in manlike
+attire, became his inseparable companion, and was the cause of saving
+his life; for many skirmishes happened between the English and French,
+wherein young Monford behaved himself with wondrous courage; and in one,
+following too hot the pursuit, was, with divers others, entrapped into
+ambush, late in the evening; and though he manfully disputed it, making
+great slaughter of the enemy, yet in spite of resistance he was beaten
+from his horse by a forcible stroke, and left in the field for dead
+among the dying men; where he had undoubtedly perished through loss of
+blood, and the anguish of his wounds, had not his tender-hearted love,
+upon hearing what had happened and his not returning, hasted to the
+field, where, among the slain, she by moonlight discovered him, stripped
+and struggling for life, and by the help of a servant brought him to a
+shepherd's cottage, where she carefully dressed his wounds and
+administered such cordials as brought him to himself, to her unspeakable
+joy; though this joy was something abated when she found he had lost his
+sight, but true love working in her heart, the alteration or
+disfigurement of his countenance did not alter her affection; but
+comforting him in the best manner she could, though his natural courage
+would not admit of any dejection, she procured him a homely suit of
+apparel, and brought him (unfit for service) back to England, of whose
+entertainment and settlement at Bethnal Green, in the county of
+Middlesex, and course of life, you shall hear in the following chapter.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _How Monford arrived in England and of the Cold
+ Entertainment he found among his relations.
+ How he settled in Bethnal Green, where he continued to beg
+ for his Living._
+
+
+Monford, having escaped a dreadful storm at sea, landed with his wife on
+the coast of Essex, where he had some considerable relations, to whom,
+in his necessity, they applied themselves for succour; but they, who,
+after the death of his parents, had wasted much of his patrimony, or
+fearing he might be chargeable to them, would not know him, and those
+that were convinced he was the same Monford that went over to France
+gave him but cold entertainment; insomuch that, scorning to rely upon
+their charity, he told his wife that he intended, early in the morning,
+to haste towards London, and that he would rather trust to Providence
+than the ingratitude of those who, in his prosperous days, had caressed
+him. His wife declared she would labour at her spinning-wheel or do what
+she was capable for a living. In two days travelling they spent what
+little money they had saved, so necessity obliged them to ask charity of
+the people as he passed through the country towns and villages; who,
+understanding that he came by his misfortune in fighting for the honour
+of his country, gave liberally to him; and considering that the loss of
+his sight had rendered him incapable of business, he resolved to embrace
+what providence had cast in his way, which was to live upon charity.
+Whereupon, arriving at Bethnal Green, near London, he hired a small
+cottage for his wife and himself, and daily appearing publicly to crave
+alms, was from thence called "The Beggar of Bethnal Green," and in a
+short time found it a thriving trade, insomuch that his bed of straw was
+changed into down, and his earthen platters and other utensils into a
+better sort of decent furniture.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How Monford happened to meet with Snap, an old,
+ experienced Beggar, who gave him an Insight
+ into the Mystery of the Canting Tribe; and how he
+ invited him to the Rendezvous._
+
+
+Monford resolving in this kind of way to spend the remainder of his
+days, being very well contented with his trade, having played it with
+great success in the place where he lived, one day he was encountered by
+an old proficient in the art of begging, who, seeing him very diligent,
+did greatly covet his acquaintance, and to know what gang he did belong
+to. He therefore accosts him in their canting method, which is a sort of
+speech or rather a gibberish peculiar to themselves. Monford, being
+ignorant, could make him no direct answer, which the other, whose name
+was Snap, perceiving, and thereby knowing him to be a young beginner,
+invited him to their feasts or rendezvous in Whitechapel, whither he
+having promised to come, and they between them tripped off four black
+pots of rum, they parted that time.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _How Monford went to the Beggars' Feast, and of his
+ Entertainment, and also the Presents they made._
+
+
+Monford, upon his coming home, declared to his wife what a merry
+companion he met with, and what discourse he had, and likewise what he
+had promised, entreating her to get things in readiness, that she might
+conduct him thither, where appeared, instead of a ragged regiment of
+lame, blind, and dumb, there was a rout of jovial dancers, as gay as the
+spring, and as merry as the maids; which made them imagine they were
+mistaken in the place or was imposed upon, and therefore turned to go
+away, had not Snap started from his chair, where he sat as supervisor,
+in all his gallantry, and taking him by the hand, let him know who it
+was introduced him into the assembly, where he was received as brother
+of their society, every member saluting him with a compliment, and, that
+he might not want a guide for the future, Snap, in the name of the
+society, presented him with a dog and a bell trained to the business. So
+his wife and he, being splendidly entertained, were dismissed, upon his
+promise that he would not be absent at their yearly meeting.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _What Success he had in the Begging Trade. How his
+ Wife was brought to Bed of a Daughter, and
+ Christened by the Name of Elizabeth._
+
+
+The blind beggar soon became master of his trade, and, by the help of
+his dog, trudged often to London, and having the perfect tone, had the
+luck to return with his pockets well lined with chink. His way of
+begging became so pleasing to him that he would often sing as follows--
+
+ A beggar lives a merry life,
+ And has both wealth and ease;
+ His days are free from care and strife,
+ He does whate'er he please.
+
+ While others labour, sweat, and toil,
+ His tongue does get him pelf;
+ He travels with his dog and bell,
+ And brings home store of wealth.
+
+He being by this time in a warm condition, to add further to his joy,
+his loving wife fell in labour, and was delivered of a daughter, whose
+birth made him think he was the happiest man alive, and hundred times he
+kissed her and dandled her in his arms, whom he christened by the name
+of Elizabeth, and as she increased in years, so her beauty and modesty
+caused her to be called "Pretty Betty." Some began to dote upon her
+admirable perfections, and the better to qualify her gave her such
+learning as was suitable to her degree, which she improved; so that her
+beauty and wit, her skill in singing, dancing, and playing on
+instruments of music, procured her the envy of the young maidens
+thereabouts, who supposed themselves much superior in birth and fortune,
+would often reflect upon her birth, and call her a beggar's brat. She
+bore all their ill language without returning it, and endeavoured to win
+them to her by gentle persuasions; but not prevailing, and her patience
+spent, she said, "I never injured any of you, but have strove to do you
+all the good offices which I was capable of doing; why, then, do you
+envy and abuse me? What if my parents are in a mean station, yet they
+pay for my education of dancing and singing which they bestow upon me,
+and though, perhaps, I am not so well descended as some of you, though
+you may be mistaken, yet Heaven might have made your case the same had
+it thought fit." Yet, finding that they did not cease to rail at her,
+and being by this time about fifteen years of age, she prevailed with
+her parents to grant her leave to seek her fortune.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _How handsome Betty took Leave of her Parents, and
+ the Entertainment she met with._
+
+
+Now the time of Betty's departure being come, her parents furnished her
+with clothes and other necessaries, whereupon she fell upon her knees
+and craved their blessing, which being given, with many prayers for her
+prosperity, they took a sad farewell.
+
+Pretty Betty, having now left her father's house, or rather smoke-loft,
+went pensive along the road towards Stradford, relying only on
+Providence to direct her. Having walked all night, at sunrise she came
+to Rumford, in Essex and being ready to faint, betook herself to an inn,
+and called for something to refresh her. The mistress of the house,
+taking notice of her garb, beautiful face, and modest behaviour, though
+dejected, began to ask her from whence she came, and whither she was
+bound. Betty replied, "I am going to seek my fortune. I am very well
+educated by my indulgent parents, who live near London; but I am now
+obliged, contrary to my former expectation, to get my livelihood in some
+honest way of working." The good woman, being more and more taken with
+her carriage, demanded if she would be content to stay with her till
+she could better provide to her advantage, and that she would use her
+as a daughter rather than a servant. Betty thankfully accepted the
+offer, and in the performance of whatever she undertook discharged
+herself so well that she gained the love and applause of all that
+observed her, insomuch that her name for beauty and ingenuity began to
+spread, and abundance of young men resorted to the house, which created
+a great trade, on purpose to see her, who generally took a liking to
+her; for nature had made her so lovely and charming that she could not
+but be admired, insomuch that many of them, as they found opportunity,
+began to buzz love stories in her ears, to which she gave but little
+heed, till four suitors of greater worth beat off these little
+assailants, and laid close siege, as in the following chapter will
+appear.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _How Pretty Betty, living at an Inn at Rumford, was
+ Courted by Persons of Fortune._
+
+
+It being whispered about that pretty Betty must needs be some great
+person's daughter, it highly increased her reputation. At last the
+inn-keeper's son, a very rich London merchant, courted her. But she
+modestly declined his offers, as also the offers of all other suitors,
+by representing to them the inequality of her fortune to theirs; but
+this served only to increase their passions. And being every day
+importuned, she at last resolved to discover who her parents were,
+judging that way to be the most sure means to try the sincerity of their
+love and affection which they pretended to have for her.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _How Pretty Betty being Woo'd by her Master's Son, a
+ Merchant, a Gentleman, and a Knight; how,
+ upon her declaring her Parentage, was slighted by all but
+ the Knight; and of their Agreement._
+
+
+Our beautiful virgin, being hardly pressed for love and enjoyment,
+found herself obliged to take a course that might rid her of her lovers,
+or allot one of them to her share; wherefore she told them she was not
+really at her own disposal, her parents being alive; therefore, if they
+loved her as they said, and seeing but one could enjoy her, she was
+contented her father should choose one for her, of whose choice she
+would approve.
+
+This set them almost at daggers drawing, who should get thither first,
+but whither to go they knew not, therefore desired to be informed, every
+one's heart being filled with joy, not doubting to carry the prize; when
+thus she began:--"My parents, worthy sirs, live on Bethnal Green. My
+father is left with a dog and a bell, living upon the charity of good
+people, and my mother a poor woman that spins for bread. Thus I have
+declared to you my parents, and though I might have the richest person
+in the world for a husband, yet I would not marry him without their
+consent, which I think myself bound in duty to obtain."
+
+Most of her suitors seemed thunderstruck at this plain declaration,
+every one, except the knight, despising her now as much as they seemed
+to love her before, each of them swearing they would not undervalue
+themselves to marry a beggar's child. But the knight was more inflamed
+than ever, and having a large estate, did not regard interest or a
+portion so much as he did the pleasing of his fancy with a beautiful,
+modest, young, and virtuous maid, all of which centred in Pretty Betty.
+Therefore, after he had paused a while took the blushing virgin by the
+hand, and said, "You see, fair creature, how they that pretended to love
+you did it only in expectation of your being descended from wealthy
+parents, and that they might get a large portion. Though they have left
+you, if you will accept of me for a husband, who truly love you on
+account of your virtue and beauty, I will make you my wife and settle on
+you a jointure." To this she replied, "Alas, sir, I dare not hope for
+so much happiness, or, if I durst, yet would not dispose of myself
+without my parents' consent; though I must confess," says she, blushing,
+"I ever did esteem you above all the gentlemen who did make love and
+offer themselves to me." This modesty kindled his passion more, and
+therefore, after many vows of constancy, it was agreed that he should
+provide horses and servants, and conduct her the next morning to Bethnal
+Green, to ask and obtain her father's consent; yet this affair was not
+so secretly managed but spies being abroad soon discovered it, who not
+only discovered to the knight's uncle, who was guardian and trustee for
+him, and had the sole care of his estate, but to most of the young men
+in Rumford who were her admirers, as the following chapter will inform
+you.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _How Pretty Betty rid behind the Knight to her Father's
+ House, and what happened on the Road; also
+ what happened between the Knight's Uncle and Betty's
+ Father._
+
+
+Pretty Betty, having met the knight according to appointment, did not
+scruple to ride behind him; but they had scarce got out of town when his
+uncle came to the inn, but not finding either of them there, was
+confirmed that what had been told him was true, and therefore he
+followed them to prevent the match, being accompanied with several of
+Betty's lovers, who suspected the knight had taken her away by force.
+Their hurry and confusion was great, and the townsmen going a nearer
+way, overtook and fell foul upon the knight and his servants, without
+giving him leave to speak for himself or suffering his mistress to
+excuse him, so that a sharp conflict ensued, till at length divers
+persons that were travelling the road came and parted them, whereby they
+came to a right understanding, which made those that had misused him beg
+his pardon, which he granted, and, dismissing them, kept on his way
+till, coming to the old man's door, they alighted; which made him, upon
+hearing the noise of horses trampling, being a thing very unusual, start
+from the fire, and put his head out of the window, and not understanding
+the meaning of it, ere the knight's uncle came puffing and blowing at a
+strange rate crying, "Why, how now nephew? what's this I hear of you?
+Are you mad to disgrace your family by marrying a beggar's brat? For
+shame, for shame! consider better than to make yourself a laughing stock
+to the world by such an unseemly match." Then, turning about to Pretty
+Betty, said, "Pray how came this about, you baggage you? But, however, I
+say, nephew, leave her and come along with me and I will provide a rich
+wife for you suitable to your condition."
+
+To this the young knight would have replied, but the blind beggar
+Monford, not being able to bear his taunts and reproaches any longer,
+said, "I cannot see you at all, but sir, whatever you are I hear you too
+much, and more than becomes a civil gentleman; nor do I count my girl so
+mean to suffer her to be railed on at my door; therefore, pray sir, hold
+your prating, or I shall fell you with my staff. I have seen the day
+when a taller fellow than you durst not put me in a passion. If your
+kinsman does not think my child a fit match for him, let him let her
+alone and welcome. I am satisfied she hath her share of beauty and good
+breeding, and those are enough to recommend her. But know, sir, that I,
+her father, am willing and ready to lay down as many guineas for my
+child as you are to drop for your nephew, and therefore care not how
+soon you begin." The knight's uncle was something surprised at this
+speech of the blind beggar's; but, however, he accepted of the
+challenge, and sent to London for a bag of gold. As soon as it was
+brought, Monford pulled out two large cat skins stuffed with gold from
+under a bundle of rags, whereby it appeared his trade had been
+advantageous. Both parties being ready, they rained a golden shower so
+plentifully that the gentleman's stock failed him, and the beggar, not
+hearing it chink, fell into laughter and said, "How, sir, is your money
+done so soon? I thought at first you had more words than money. Pray,
+for your credit's sake, try your friends, for I have three or four cat
+skins with golden puddings in their bellies yet." "Indeed," said the
+gentleman, "I am content to own you have outdone me, and think you have
+the philosopher's stone, or keep a familiar to bring it to you from the
+golden mountain. But seeing the world goes so well with you, I shall no
+further go about to persuade my nephew from being your son-in-law, but
+beg pardon for what I have done." "Oh, do you so," said the beggar,
+"then may things be better, perhaps, than you expect." Then, turning to
+the knight, "Gather up," said he, "the loose coin I have scattered, and
+here's a cat skin filled which will make up the sum of three thousand
+pounds, beside a hundred more to buy her a wedding gown. Take this as
+her present portion, and, as you behave yourself, expect more hereafter.
+I give her to you, and with her a blessing. Go to church and be married,
+in God's name, and I wish you both success and prosperity." When he had
+thus spoken, the knight and bride fell upon their knees, and gave him a
+thousand thanks and departed, whilst those that had been suitors,
+hearing what had happened, were ready to hang themselves for madness.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ _How Pretty Betty was Married to the Knight, and her
+ true Pedigree discovered._
+
+
+Things being come to pass, great preparations were made for the wedding.
+The bride and bridegroom were dressed in rich apparel, and as soon as
+the ceremony was ended they went to the place appointed for keeping
+their wedding dinner. Hither resorted abundance of persons of
+distinction, who had been invited, yet none of them surpassed the bride
+in modesty and beauty. At length her father and mother came in, dressed
+in silks and embroidered velvets. The company was pleased with the
+entertainment, which was very costly, and when the music, dancing, and
+masquerading was ended, the old man Monford sung a song, wherein he
+discovered his pedigree and his valour in the wars of France, which also
+filled the company full of admiration.
+
+
+ OLD MONFORD'S SONG.
+
+ You gallants all, that here are come
+ To make this day more happy prove;
+ Know, though I'm blind, I am not dumb,
+ But wish you happiness and love.
+
+ The bride, although her birth seems mean,
+ Is born of a noble race;
+ Her predecessors great have been,
+ If you her pedigree do trace.
+
+ Know she is Monford's daughter fair,
+ Who lost his sight in the wars of France,
+ Who ever since, in begging here,
+ Did take this happy, thriving chance.
+
+ Consider, bridegroom, then her birth,
+ Which some think mean and low,
+ As much of honour can bring forth
+ As you have power to show.
+
+The name of Monford, which had been held so famous for virtue and valour
+in those days, did not a little cause wonder in the hearers, who,
+desiring him to explain himself, and give the company a particular
+account of all his adventures from his youth till the present time, and
+immediately a profound silence ensued, the noble company sitting in
+full expectation of being diverted with the surprising achievements and
+glorious exploits of old Monford, especially his son-in-law, who was
+more desirous than all the rest to hear this seemingly so much pleasing
+relation, and his beautiful bride was no less anxious to hear more of
+her pedigree; for till now she had been kept in the dark with regard to
+her high birth. Monford, hearing all were silent, begun to relate first,
+his marriage; second, his going over to France, accompanied by his
+beloved spouse, his adventures there; and, lastly, how he lost his sight
+in an engagement, with his return to England, and the success he had by
+begging; all which caused a general joy, since those who had formerly
+known him by that name supposed him to be dead; and the bridegroom was
+pronounced now more happy than ever, whose lovely bride in both birth
+and fortune equalled his in all degrees, and her father, for the credit
+of his daughter, promised to leave off his begging trade and live upon
+what he had got. This day was concluded to the joy and satisfaction of
+all parties.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ THE
+
+ PLEASANT HISTORY
+
+ OF
+
+ POOR ROBIN
+
+ THE
+
+ MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN
+
+ SHOWING
+
+ The Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship,
+ and how he Tricked a rich Miser, etc.
+ Very diverting for a Winter Evening Fireside.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER I.
+
+ _The birth of Poor Robin, how he was bound Apprentice
+ to a Saddler, and what a trick he served his Master._
+
+
+Poor Robin was born in Saffron-Walden, in the county of Essex, of
+honest, plain parents, who brought him up not as our nice dames do
+now-a-days, by directing him how much he should eat, but, as the fashion
+was then, full fed with gross meat, so that in a few years he grew a
+sturdy lad; and considering his growth and manners, a man might well say
+better fed than taught. His father being willing he should be able to
+live in the world another day, bound him an apprentice to a Saddler, one
+who fitted poor Robin's humour to a hair; for the master loving drink,
+he thought it should go hard if the man likewise did not also wet his
+lips with it. It fortuned one time his master had brewed a barrel of
+beer stronger than ordinary, to the drinking of which poor Robin one
+night invites five or six of his comrades, who, before the next morning,
+drank it all up. Poor Robin to excuse himself, draws the spiggot out,
+and throws a pailful of small beer and two or three pails full of water
+under the tap, and by a wile gets a great sow into the cellar; so the
+next morning when his master arose all was quiet, and the sow was blamed
+for what the boar pig had done.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER II.
+
+ _How Poor Robin served his Master for sitting up late at Nights._
+
+
+Poor Robin's master had gotten a custom that the man did not at all
+like, which was, that after he had tippled all day, sometimes till ten
+or eleven o'clock at night, he would then come home and fall asleep in a
+chair, during which time his man must not go to bed, but wait until his
+master awakened. Poor Robin to break him of this evil custom, one night
+when his master came home soundly fuddled, and falling asleep in his
+chair as usual; so he made a great fire, and then drew his master's legs
+so near thereto, that his toes touched some of the coals; which being
+done, he sits him down in the other corner to observe the sequel. He had
+not sat long till his master's shoes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly
+awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad. The man all the while
+counterfeits himself asleep, and seemed not to awake for a good space.
+At last, seeming much to pity his master's misfortune, they went to bed.
+But never after that would his master sit up to sleep in his chair.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER III.
+
+ _How Poor Robin served a rich Miser._
+
+
+In the same town lived a rich miser who had wealth enough to have been
+treasurer of the town, and wisdom answerable to a beadle of a parish.
+This man, fuller of faith than good works, would neither feast the poor
+nor relieve their wants, nor hold brotherly unity with any. Poor Robin
+being resolved to put a trick upon him, it being then Christmas, made it
+fit for his purpose; and so counterfeiting himself to be the gentleman's
+man, about ten or eleven o'clock at night, just when people were in bed,
+he calls at sundry men's doors, inviting them the next day to his
+master's (naming the gentleman's name) to dinner. Whereupon the next day
+appeared the number of two and twenty in their roast-meat apparel; but,
+contrary to their expectations, finding small preparations towards a
+dinner, they began to wonder wherefore he had invited them; the
+gentleman as much wondered wherefore they came. At last the truth was
+cleared on both sides, some laughed, and some frowned; and so they all
+departed home.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IV.
+
+ _How Robin Married and set up for Himself._
+
+
+Poor Robin having served out his apprenticeship would needs set up for
+himself, and thereupon hires a house and shop; yet thinking it
+inconvenient for him to live alone, and that two heads were better than
+one, he resolved to do as many others did, marry in haste though he
+should repent at leisure. But his fortune was better than his deserts,
+for though she was but a homely woman, with whom he joined in matrimony,
+yet she was provident to live in the world, and for his own part he
+stood not much on beauty, but had rather have a fat purse than a fair
+wife, seeing there was great profit in the one, and less danger of being
+made a cuckold by the other. Never did a couple more lovingly agree
+together than did this pair at first, insomuch that duck and lamb were
+the ordinary terms he bestowed upon her; whereupon a wit of the town
+hearing this loving language betwixt them, made this epigram to be read
+by any that can understand it.
+
+ Poor Robin thinks his wife excels most dames,
+ And calls her duck and lamb, with such kind names,
+ A duck's a bird, a lamb's a beast we know,
+ Poor Robin's wife's a foul beast then I trow.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER V.
+
+ _How Poor Robin served one of his Companions a
+ Slovenous Trick._
+
+
+Poor Robin having set up for himself (as you have heard), he would
+oftentimes travel abroad in the country to get acquaintance amongst the
+gentry. It happened one time, being belated homeward, and his brain
+intoxicated with the juice of Bacchus, that he took up his quarters in a
+country ale-house, where notwithstanding he had gotten a lusty jug
+before, yet fell he to drinking of beer and cider, as if his belly was
+bottomless; at last growing sleepy he went to bed, where it was his
+chance to be lodged in the same chamber where one of his acquaintances
+was already in bed, who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the
+next morning was he no sooner got up providing a pot and toast ready
+against poor Robin arose, but a foul mischance befel poor Robin in the
+meantime, for the wine, beer, and cider not agreeing in his belly, he
+very mannerly, sir-reverence vomited on the bed. Whereupon not knowing
+what to do, and being loth to be discredited, a crotchet came into his
+crown, which he presently put in execution. He takes the dirty sheets
+from off his own bed, and lays them on his friend's, and then takes his
+and lays them on his own bed, so spreading the coverlet as if nothing
+was amiss, he makes himself ready and downstairs he goes. No sooner was
+he below but his friend arrests him at Mr. Fox's suit, and by all means
+would make him pay his groat for being drunk. Poor Robin excused himself
+as well as he could, and would be judged by the landlord whether he was
+fuddled or no; whilst they were wrangling about paying the groat, the
+maid went up into the chamber to make the beds; but finding one of them
+in a pitiful pickle, she came chafing down, calling the man beastly
+fellow and nasty knave, with other Billingsgate language, such as came
+first to her tongue's end. The man thought her mad, thus to scold for
+nothing, till at last she told him plainly he had vomited the bed.
+"Nay," quoth poor Robin, "I will be judged by my landlord which of us
+was most fuddled last night." "Truly," said the host, "I can judge no
+otherwise but that he was, or he would not have played such a nasty
+trick." Whereupon it was judged by all the company that the man should
+pay his groat, and poor Robin got free.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VI.
+
+ _Of a sad Disaster that befel Poor Robin._
+
+
+It happened on a time, during the late unhappy wars, that all the Essex
+Trainband were assembled at Walden, to resist the king's forces, who, in
+a bravado, had made their excursions as far as Huntingdon. Amongst other
+military weapons of destruction, they brought a drake, which they
+planted under poor Robin's chamber-window, to be shot off at nine
+o'clock at night, for a warning for all people to repair home. Poor
+Robin and his wife were at that time newly gone to bed; now it is to be
+understood, the chamber where they lay went out half over the room
+below, a rail of about four feet high being set up by the side to keep
+them from falling, close by the rail was poor Robin's bed. But whilst
+they were going to sleep, the drake was shot off, which poor Sarah, his
+wife, hearing, with the fright gave a sudden start, and threw poor Robin
+quite over the rail into the room below. Poor Robin was much bruised in
+body and half dead. At length he got up, but his courage was so cooled
+with the greatness of his fall that he had more need of a doctor than a
+sleep.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VII.
+
+ _How Poor Sarah was cheated of her Mutton Pie._
+
+
+Poor Sarah on a time made a very great pie, into which she had put a
+whole loin of mutton besides other things, so that it was valued worth
+five or six shillings at least. This pie she sent to the common oven to
+bake, which, being perceived by three or four merry blades, they
+resolved, if they could possibly, to cheat her of the pie, which at last
+they brought to pass on this manner. At such time as the baker used to
+draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a tale, whilst the other
+sent one of her neighbour's boys to the baker's with a pail, a napkin,
+and money to pay for the baking. The baker mistrusting no knavery,
+delivered the boy the pie, which was presently carried to the next
+ale-house, whether inviting some more of their companions unto them, with
+much mirth and laughter; and because the jest should be publicly known
+they set the crier to work, who published the same in every corner of
+the town.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ _How Poor Robin ate Dog-stones instead of Lamb-stones._
+
+
+As Poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than fish, so of all sorts of
+flesh he loved a dish of lamb-stones best. A merry disposed companion
+knowing his appetite, resolved to put a trick upon him. A gentleman of
+the town who kept a pack of hounds, having gelt his dogs, he gets the
+stones, and with a few sweet breads presents them to poor Robin as a
+dainty dish. Poor Robin very thankful for so great kindness would not
+stay, but presently had them dressed, making all the haste he could, for
+fear any should come in to be partakers with him in his dinner. But
+having eaten them, and understood the truth, he fell a-spewing as if his
+gall would come up with it. Poor Sarah, in like manner, disgorged her
+stomach, so that who should have seen them, would have concluded them
+drunk with eating.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ _A witty Jest that Poor Robin gave a Sergeant._
+
+
+The Blue Regiment of Train-Soldiers being on a time at Walden, one of
+the sergeants, to show his bravery, had gotten a great blue scarf about
+his middle, being as much or more than the ensign had in his colours.
+Poor Robin thinking him too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer
+upon him, and calling him, asked if he wanted any work? "Why," said the
+sergeant, "what makes you ask?" "Pray your pardon," quoth poor Robin, "I
+was mistaken in you, I took you for a shoemaker, because you had gotten
+your blue apron before you."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ _How Poor Robin won Five Shillings by kissing his Hostess._
+
+
+Poor Robin, with some other of his mates, being drinking in an
+ale-house, where was an exceeding tall hostess, one of them offered to
+lay five shillings (because Poor Robin was low) that he should not kiss
+her as he stood on the ground. Poor Robin accepted the challenge, and
+covered the money. But when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not
+reach higher than her apron string. Whereupon dropping a shilling on the
+ground he made her stoop to lift it, then he clasped his arms round her
+neck, gave her a kiss, and so won the wager.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XI.
+
+ _Poor Robin's sayings of Ambitious Men._
+
+
+Poor Robin, being in company with some gentlemen who were talking of the
+ambition of some men now-a-days, that would venture the loss of their
+souls for the possession of a kingdom: "Yea," quoth poor Robin, "but the
+success of many of them is far different from King Saul's, for he
+seeking asses found a kingdom, and they seeking a kingdom find
+themselves to be asses."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XII.
+
+ _Poor Robin's Journey to London._
+
+
+Poor Robin having never been in London in his life, and being very
+desirous to see the city whose fame rang so loud in every man's mouth,
+he resolved to make a jonrney thither, and spend some time in viewing
+the rarities of the same; but because he was unacquainted with the city
+customs, he got a companion of his to go along with him. No sooner were
+they past Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such a number of signs, he
+whispered with his friend, "Certainly," quoth he, "they must needs be
+all drunkards that live in this place. I never saw so many ale-houses
+together in my life." And thereupon beckoning to his companion, enters
+one of the shops and calls for a jug of beer; but they making him
+acquainted with his error, how they sold no drink, but if he wanted
+anything else they could furnish him with it. He presently without any
+studying asks them to show him a pair of hedging gloves, whereupon
+changing their opinion, instead of a fool they took him for a jeering
+companion; and to fit him for his gloves had him to the pump and soundly
+bedrenched him from head to foot. And having occasion to go through
+Birching Lane, and being asked by the salesmen, "Countrymen, what lack
+you?" "Marry," quoth he, "that which I fear you cannot furnish me
+withal," and being importuned of them to know what it was: "Why," quoth
+he, "that which you have none of I want, honesty." Night approaching,
+poor Robin and his walking mate repaired to their inn, where, after they
+had supped and drunk five or six jugs of beer with the host of the
+house, and some of his men (for inn-keeper's servants drink most of
+their beer at other men's cost), his friend loving no tobacco, and poor
+Robin desiring the heathenish weed to pass away the time, they agreed
+among themselves that every one of the company should either tell a tale
+or sing a song. Poor Robin, who first mentioned the same, beginning in
+this manner.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIII.
+
+ _A Tale of a Pair of Cards._
+
+
+Not many ages since a parson of a country village was accused to a
+committee that he was a great gamester at cards, being so addicted
+thereunto that he would ofttimes play on Sundays. The committee thus
+informed, sent for the parson to answer this accusation; who receiving
+the warrant made no excuse nor delay, but with all haste made his
+appearance before them; with him also came the informer to justify his
+accusation. Being thus met together, the committee began to reprove the
+parson for being addicted to such a vice, as to be noted for a common
+player at cards. "Indeed," said the parson, "I am so far from it, that I
+know not what a pair of cards meaneth." "Sir," quoth the informer, "if
+you please to search his pockets, I believe you will find a pair there
+at present, for he seldom goeth without such tackling." Whereupon the
+committee commanding his pocket to be searched, they found a pair of
+cards there indeed, but the parson denied them to be cards, saying,
+"They may be cards to you, but to me they are an almanack." And being
+demanded how he could make it appear, he answered thus: "First," quoth
+he, "here is as many suits of cards as there be quarters in a year, and
+as many court cards as there be months in a year, and as many cards as
+there be weeks in a year, and as many spots as there be days in a year.
+Then when I look upon the king it puts me in mind of the allegiance that
+I owe to my sovereign lord the king; looking upon the queen puts me in
+mind of the allegiance that I owe to the queen; the ten puts me in mind
+of the Ten Commandments; the nine, of the nine muses; the eight, of the
+eight altitudes; the seven, of the seven liberal sciences; the six, of
+six days we ought to labour in; the five, of the five senses; the four,
+of the four evangelists; the three, of the Trinity; the two, of the two
+sacraments; and the ace, that we ought to worship but one God." Quoth
+the committee, "If this be all the use you make of them we can find no
+fault with you. But Mr. Parson, of all the cards you have nominated, you
+have forgot the knave; pray, what use make you of him?" "O sir," said he
+(pointing to his accuser), "that is your worship's informer."
+
+"Poor Robin having ended his tale," says his friend, "I suppose that was
+the same parson that used to read his litany every day of the week
+excepting Sunday, and I being constant hearer of him, learnt it as
+perfectly as my pater noster."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIV.
+
+ _Poor Robin's Litany._
+
+ From being turned out of doors,
+ From town-rats, and ale-house scores,
+ From lowsie queans and pocky bores,
+ _Libera nos._
+
+ From tailors' bills and drapers' books,
+ From sluttish maids and nasty cooks,
+ From froward wives and crabbed looks,
+ _Libera nos._
+
+ From breaking pipes and broken glasses,
+ From drinking healths and drunken asses,
+ From lying lubbers and lisping lasses,
+ _Libera nos._
+
+ From paying of lawyers' fees,
+ From mouldy bread and musty cheese,
+ From trotting jades and scorning shes,
+ _Libera nos._
+
+ From fetters, chains, bolts, and gyves,
+ From pointless needles and broken knives,
+ From thievish servants and drunken wives,
+ _Libera nos._
+
+ From tailors' bodkins and butchers' pricks,
+ From tenpenny nails and headless spikes,
+ And from attorneys' knavish tricks,
+ _Libera nos._
+
+ From being taken in disguise,
+ From believing of a poet's lies,
+ And from the devil and the excise,
+ _Libera nos._
+
+ From brown bread and small beer,
+ From being taken stealing deer,
+ From all that hath been named here,
+ _Quesemus te._
+
+The litany being ended the tapster comes for his reckoning, but poor
+Robin made answer that he should do as the rest had done, either tell a
+tale or sing a song. Says he, "Sing I cannot, but I will tell you how
+they marry in Scotland, as a Scotch priest told me that lay here, and
+got me to engage for him to my master for twenty shillings, and he
+running away, I was forced to pay his score for him."
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XV.
+
+ _A Scotch Marriage._
+
+
+We don't use to wad in Scotland as you wad in England. Jockey comes to
+the kirk and takes Sir Donkyn by the rocket, and says, "Good morn, Sir
+Donkyn." "What's the matter, Jockey, what's the matter?" "A wadding, a
+wadding," says he, "don't you see the hoppers and the skippers, and all
+the lads of the gang?" "I'se don't, I'se come to you belyve." Then Sir
+Donkyn gangs to the kirk, "I spee and I spee, wha a deil do you spee;
+Jockey of the high lane, and Jenny of the long cliff; if any know why
+these twa may not be wadded together, let them now speak or hold their
+tongue in the deil's name. Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy wadded
+wife? I say, Jockey, say after me, Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy
+wadded wife, forsaking all loons, lubberloons, swing-bellied calves,
+black lips, and blue noses? Ay, forsooth. If these twa be not as well
+wadded as e'er I wadded twa these seven years, the deil and St. Andrew
+part them."
+
+The wedding being ended, all the company went to bed, where we will
+leave them till the next morning, to relate poor Robin's perambulation
+about the city.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XVI.
+
+ _Poor Robin's perambulation about the City._
+
+
+No sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the eastern horizon, but poor
+Robin, shaking off melancholy sleep, roused his companion to prepare
+himself for their intended perambulation; and having armed themselves
+with a pot of nappy ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal
+Exchange, a most magnificent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham.
+From thence they went to take a view of Leadenhall, but the exceeding
+bravery of the Exchange had so dimmed the beauty of the place, that it
+was nothing pleasing to poor Robin's eye. He made no tarrying there, but
+went presently down to the Tower, where having seen the lions, and from
+the wharf taken a superficial view of the bridge, as also the ships upon
+the river Thames, he became weary of beholding so many surprising
+objects. He had, however, far more content in seeing the ships, so
+admirably pleasing to his fancy it was to see how these little pretty
+things hopped about. But lest he should take a surfeit with such
+ravishing delights, his friend persuaded him to go to see the ancient
+cathedral of St. Paul's, being at present made a horse-guard by the
+soldiers, which poor Robin beholding, "What a blessed reformation,"
+quoth he, "have we here! For in our country we can scarce persuade men
+to go to church, but here come men and horses too." Having satisfied
+himself with the sight of St. Paul's, they would in the next place go
+to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at term time, where,
+beholding so great a number of lawyers in their gowns, he cried out,
+"Oh, let us begone from this place, for if two or three make such a
+quarrel in our town, certainly there is no abiding here for men in their
+wit." A country gentleman overhearing him, "I remember," quoth he, "once
+I heard a story of a man that went down to hell, wherein he beheld men
+of all professions, ages, and conditions, saving only lawyers, which
+made him the more to wonder, because he imagined them all there, and
+asking the devil the reason, he made this reply, 'We have them here
+though you see them not, but we are forced to keep them in a room by
+themselves lest they should set all the devils in hell at variance.'"
+Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale, and having now satisfied
+his inn, and having discharged all reckonings, his friend and he
+returned home.
+
+
+
+
+ CHAPTER XVII.
+
+ _Many odd Whimsies and Conceits of Poor Robin._
+
+
+Poor Robin daily frequenting the tavern and ale-house had learned of his
+companions many drunken whimsies and other odd conceits, as the five
+properties that belong to an host, that he must have the head of a stag,
+the bag of a nag, the belly of a hog, skip up and down like a frog, and
+fawn like a dog. As also the four ingredients whereof a woman's tongue
+is made, viz.: The sound of a great bell, the wagging of a dog's tail,
+the shaking of an aspen leaf tempered with running water.
+
+When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it oftentimes
+happened, he would then be playing the poet, and nothing but rhymes
+could then come out of his mouth; for as one writes:
+
+ Poet and pot doth differ but one letter,
+ And that makes poets love the pot the better.
+
+Amongst other of his conceits, this following comparison was much used
+by him:--
+
+ Like a purse that hath no chink in't,
+ Or a cellar and no drink in't,
+ Like a jewel never worn,
+ Or a child untimely born,
+ Like a song without a foot,
+ Or a bond and no hand to't,
+ Such doth she seem unto mine eyes,
+ That lives a virgin till she dies.
+
+ The money doth entice the purse,
+ The drink in the cellar quencheth thirst,
+ The jewel decks, if worn it is,
+ The child soon dies, abortive is;
+ The end o' the song doth sweetest sound,
+ The hand doth make the party bound.
+ So she that marries e'er death takes her,
+ Answers that for which Nature makes her.
+
+"Women," said he, "are all extremes, either too willing, or too wilful;
+too forward or too froward; too courteous or too coy; too friendly or
+too fiendly." This made Arminius, a ruler in Carthage, refuse to marry,
+saying, "If I marry a wife, she will be wilful; if wealthy, then wanton;
+if poor, then peevish; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then
+loathsome; and the least of these is able to plague a thousand men."
+
+
+ THE END.
+
+ PRINTED BY ROBERT MACLEHOSK, GLASGOW.
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+Punctuation has been normalized.
+Hyphenation has been made consistent.
+Bonaparte is spelled three ways, two are in dialect, left as is.
+Page 18, changed "yoeman" to "yeoman" (The yeoman replied:)
+Page 19, changed "tiil" to "til" (merry til my wife)
+Page 149, changed "the mall" to "them all" (tell them all;)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMUSING PROSE CHAP BOOKS ***
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