initial commit of ebook 36365HEADmain

11 files changed, 18403 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/36365-8.txt b/36365-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eaac9d3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,5289 @@
+Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: J. Poindexter, Colored
+
+Author: Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+Release Date: June 9, 2011 [EBook #36365]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                         _J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+
+
+
+    _By Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+
+    _Fiction_
+
+    J. POINDEXTER, COLORED
+    SUNDRY ACCOUNTS
+    FROM PLACE TO PLACE
+    THOSE TIMES AND THESE
+    LOCAL COLOR
+    OLD JUDGE PRIEST
+    BACK HOME
+    THE ESCAPE OF MR. TRIMM
+
+
+    _Wit and Humor_
+
+    ONE THIRD OFF
+    A PLEA FOR OLD CAP COLLIER
+    THE ABANDONED FARMERS
+    THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
+    EATING IN TWO OR THREE LANGUAGES
+    "OH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE!"
+    FIBBLE D.D.
+    "SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS--"
+    EUROPE REVISED
+    ROUGHING IT DE LUXE
+    COBB'S BILL OF FARE
+    COBB'S ANATOMY
+
+
+    _Miscellany_
+
+    THE THUNDERS OF SILENCE
+    THE GLORY OF THE COMING
+    PATHS OF GLORY
+    "SPEAKING OF PRUSSIANS--"
+
+
+    _New York_
+
+    _George H. Doran Company_
+
+
+
+_J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+_By_
+
+_Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+_Author of_
+
+
+
+"_Old Judge Priest_,"
+
+"_Speaking of Operations--_," _Etc._
+
+_New York_
+
+_George H. Doran Company_
+
+
+_Copyright, 1922_,
+
+_By George H. Doran Company_
+
+[Illustration: Company Logo]
+
+_Copyright, 1922_,
+
+_By The Curtis Publishing Company_
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+_J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+TO
+MARGARET ILLINGTON BOWES
+
+
+[Illustration: Cover]
+
+
+
+_CONTENTS_
+
+
+CHAPTER                           PAGE
+
+ONE:         _Down Yonder_          11
+
+TWO:         _North-Bound_          27
+
+THREE:       _Manhattan Isle_       41
+
+FOUR:        _Harlem Heights_       61
+
+FIVE:        _Local Colored_        88
+
+SIX:         _Gold Coast_           94
+
+SEVEN:       _Country Side_        103
+
+EIGHT:       _Dark Secrets_        114
+
+NINE:        _Movie-Land_          120
+
+TEN:         _Black Belt_          140
+
+ELEVEN:      _Afric Shores_        151
+
+TWELVE:      _Business Deals_      162
+
+THIRTEEN:    _Private Life_        167
+
+FOURTEEN:    _Oiled Skids_         173
+
+FIFTEEN:     _Vet to Zym_          193
+
+SIXTEEN:     _Lady-Like!_          201
+
+SEVENTEEN:   _Sable Plots_         210
+
+EIGHTEEN:    _White Hopes_         224
+
+NINETEEN:    _Pistol Plays_        235
+
+TWENTY:      _Piebald Joys_        247
+
+TWENTY-ONE:  _Headed Home_         252
+
+TWENTY-TWO:  _Last Words_          264
+
+
+
+
+_J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+_Down Yonder_
+
+
+My name is J. Poindexter. But the full name is Jefferson Exodus
+Poindexter, Colored. But most always in general I has been known as
+Jeff, for short. The Jefferson part is for a white family which my folks
+worked for them one time before I was born, and the Exodus is because my
+mammy craved I should be named after somebody out of the Bible. How I
+comes to write this is this way:
+
+It seems like my experiences here in New York is liable to be such that
+one of my white gentleman friends he says to me I should take pen in
+hand and write them out just the way they happen and at the time they is
+happening, or right soon afterwards, whilst the memory of them is clear
+in my brain; and then he'll see if he can't get them printed somewheres,
+which on top of the other things which I now is, will make me an author
+with money coming in steady. He says to me he will fix up the spelling
+wherever needed and attend to the punctuating; but all the rest of it
+will be my own just like I puts it down. I reads and writes very well
+but someway I never learned to puncture. So the places where it is
+necessary to be punctual in order to make good sense and keep everything
+regulation and make the talk sound natural is his doings and also some
+of the spelling. But everything else is mine and I asks credit.
+
+My coming to New York, in the first place, is sort of a sudden thing
+which starts here about a month before the present time. I has been
+working for Judge Priest for going on sixteen years and is expecting to
+go on working for him as long as we can get along together all right,
+which it seems like from appearances that ought to be always. But after
+he gives up being circuit judge on account of him getting along so in
+age he gets sort of fretful by reasons of him not having much to do any
+more and most of his own friends having died off on him. When the state
+begins going Republican about once in so often, he says to me, kind of
+half joking, he's a great mind to pull up stakes and move off and go
+live somewheres else. But pretty soon after that the whole country goes
+dry and then he says to me there just naturally ain't no fitten place
+left for him to go to without he leaves the United States.
+
+The old boss-man he broods a right smart over this going-dry business.
+Being a judge and all, he's always been a great hand for upholding the
+law. But this here is one law which he cannot uphold and yet go on
+taking of his sweetening drams steady the same as he's been used to
+doing all his life. And from the statements which he lets fall from time
+to time I gleans that he can't hardly make up his mind which one of the
+two of them--law or liquor--he's going to favor the most when the pinch
+comes and the supply in the dineroom cupboard begins running low. Every
+time he starts off for a little trip somewheres and has to tote a bottle
+along in his hip pocket instead of being able to walk into a grocery and
+refresh himself over the bar like he's been doing for mighty nigh sixty
+years, I hears him speaking mumbling[1] words to himself. I hears him
+saying it's come to a pretty pass when a Kentucky gentleman has either
+got to compromise with his conscience or play a low-down trick on his
+appetite. Off and on it certainly does pester him mightily.
+
+But just about the middle of the present summer he gets a letter from
+his married niece, her which used to be Miss Sally Fanny Priest but is
+now married to a Yankee gentleman named Fairchild and living in Denver,
+Colorado. Miss Sally Fanny is the closest kin-folks the old judge has
+got left in the world; and she ups and writes to him and invites him to
+come on out there where she lives and stay a spell with them and then
+toward winter go along with her to a place called Bermuda which it seems
+like from what she says in the letter, Bermuda is one of these here
+localities where you can still keep on having a toddy when you feels
+like it without breaking the law.
+
+So he studies about it awhile and then he says to me one night he
+believes he'll go, which he does along about four weeks ago, leaving me
+behind to sort of look out for the home place out on Clay Street. My
+wages goes on the same as if he was there, and I has but little to do,
+but the place seems mighty lonesome to me without the old boss-man
+pottering 'round doing this and that and the other thing. I certainly
+does miss seeing the sight of him. Every time I walks through the front
+part of the house, and it all empty and closed up and smelling kind of
+musted, and sees his old umbrella hanging on the front hall hat-rack
+where he forgot and left it there the day he went away, I gets a sort of
+a low feeling in my mind. It's like having the toothache in a place
+where there ain't no tooth to have it in.
+
+And I keeps on thinking about the old days when he'd be setting out on
+the front porch as night-time come on, with some of them old-time
+friends of his dropping in on him, and me bringing them drinks from the
+sideboard, and them laughing and smoking and joking and carrying on; or
+else maybe talking about the Confederate War and the Battle of Shiloh
+and all. But most of them is now dead and gone and the old judge is away
+out yonder in Denver, Colorado, a-many and a-many a mile from me; and
+all I can hear as I comes up the walk from the front gate after dark is
+the katy-dids calling in the silver-leaf trees and all I can hear when I
+unlocks the door and goes inside is one of them old chimney swifts up
+the chimney, going: "_Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!_" I've took notice before
+now that an empty house which it has always been empty ain't half so
+lonesome for you to be in it as one which has been lived in by people
+you knowed but they have now gone entirely away.
+
+So, after about two weeks of being alone, I gets so restless I feels
+like I can't stand it very much longer without breaking loose someway.
+So one Sunday about half past two o'clock in the evening, I'm going on
+past a young white gentleman by the name of Mr. Dallas Pulliam's house
+and he comes out on his front porch and calls over to me and tells me to
+come on in there 'cause he wants to talk to me about something. So I
+crosses over from the other side of the street and walks up to the porch
+steps and takes off my hat and asks him how he is getting along and he
+says he ain't got no complaint and he asks me how is I getting along my
+own self and I tells him just sort of toler'ble so-and-so, and then he
+says to me how would I like to take a trip to New York City? I thinks he
+must be funning. But I says to him, I says:
+
+"How come New York City, Mr. Dallas?"
+
+So he tells me that here lately he's been studying a right smart about
+going to New York and staying there a spell on a sort of a vacationlike,
+and if he likes it maybe he'll settle there and go into business. He
+says he's about made up his mind to take some likely black boy along
+with him for to be his body-servant and look after his clothes and
+things and everything and he's thinking that maybe I might be the one to
+fill the bill; and then he says to me:
+
+"How about it, Jeff--want to go along and give the big town the
+once-over or not?"
+
+I then sees he is not funning but is making me a straight business
+proposition. I thanks him and says to him that I has ever had the crave
+to travel far and wide and that I likewise has often heard New York
+spoke of as a very pleasant place to go to, by them which has done so,
+and also a place where something or other is going on most of the time.
+But I says to him I'm afraid I can't go on account I'm under obligations
+to Judge Priest by reasons of us having been together so long and him
+having left me in complete utter charge of our house. He says, though,
+he thinks maybe he can attend to that part of it all right; he says
+he'll write a letter to the Judge specifying about what's come up and
+he's pretty sure it can be fixed up so's I can go. He says if I don't
+like the job after I gets there, he'll pay my way back home again any
+time I wants to come, or when the old judge needs me, either one. He
+says he ain't adopting me, he's just borrowing me.
+
+I always has liked Mr. Dallas Pulliam, him being one of the most
+freehanded young white gentlemen in town. Of course, off and on, I've
+heard the rest of the white folks hurrahing him behind his back about
+the way he's handled all that there money which was left to him here a
+few years back when his paw died. There was that time when he bought a
+sugar plantation down in Louisiana, sight onseen, and when he went down
+to see it, couldn't do so without he'd a-done a whole heap of
+bailing-out first, by reason of its being under three feet of standing
+water. Anyway, that's what I heard tell; thought I reckon it wasn't
+noways as bad as what some of the white folks let on. And there was that
+other time only a few months back when he decided to start up a
+buggy-factory. I overhears Judge Priest speaking about that one day to
+Dr. Lake.
+
+"That young man, Dallas Pulliam, certainly is a sagacious and a
+farseein' person," he says. "Jest when automobiles has got so cheap that
+every hill-billy in the county kin afford to own at least one, he's
+fixin' to go into the buggy-factory business on an extensive scale. Next
+time I run into him I'm goin' to suggest to him that when the buggy
+trade seems to sort of slack up, ez possibly it may, that instid of
+layin' off his hands he might start in to turnin' out flint-lock muskets
+fur the U. S. Army."
+
+I suspicions that Judge Priest or somebody else must have spoke to Mr.
+Dallas along those lines because he didn't go into the buggy business
+after all. For the past several months he ain't been doing much of
+anything, so far as I knows of, except pranking 'round and courting Miss
+Henrietta Farrell.
+
+Well, white folks may poke their fun at him unbeknownst, but he's got
+manners suitable to make him popular with me. He's the kind of a white
+gentleman that's this here way: He'll wear a new necktie or a fancy vest
+about three or four times and then he'll get tired of it and pass it on
+to the first one which comes along. Moreover, him and me is mighty near
+the same size and I knows full well in advance, just from looking at him
+that Sunday evening standing there on his porch, that the very same suit
+of clothes which he's got on then will fit me without practically no
+alterations. It's a checked suit, too, and mighty catchy to the eye. So
+right off I tells him if Judge Priest gives his free will and consent
+I'll certainly be down at the depot when that there old engine whistle
+blows for to get aboard for New York City. Which he then asks me for
+Miss Sally Fanny's address and promises he'll write out there that very
+night to find out can I go.
+
+It's curious how news does travel 'round in a place that's the right
+size for everybody in it to know everybody else's business. Before night
+it has done leaked out somehow that I is seriously considering accepting
+going to New York with young Mr. Dallas Pulliam; and by next morning, lo
+and behold, if it ain't all over town! Wherever I goes, pretty near
+everybody I meets, whites and blacks alike, asks me how about it and
+allows I'm powerful lucky to get such a chance. Mostly, in times gone
+by, when my race goes North they heads for Chicago, Illinois, or maybe
+Detroit, Michigan, or Indianapolis, Indiana. No sooner do they get
+there than they begins writing back saying that up North is the only
+fitten place for colored folks to be at; wages high, times easy, and
+white folks calling you "Mister" and everything pleasant like that. They
+writes that there is not no Jim Crow cars nor separate seats for colored
+at the moving-pictures nor nothing like that. But I has taken notice
+that after awhile most of 'em quits writing back and starts coming back.
+Some stays but more returns--and is verging on shouting-happy when they
+crosses the Ohio River coming in. From what I hears some of 'em say
+after they gets home and has got a full meal of vittles inside of them,
+and so is got more time to talk, I has made up my mind that so far as my
+own color is concerned, the main difference from the South is this: Up
+North they calls you "Mister" but they don't feed you!
+
+Still, New York City ain't Chicago, Illinois, nor yet it ain't Detroit,
+Michigan; and besides, working for Mr. Dallas Pulliam, I won't have to
+be worrying about when does I eat next. Still, even so, I says to
+myself that it won't be no harm to inquire round now that the word is
+done leaked out anyhow, and learn something more than what little I
+knows about New York City. But it seems like, outside of some few white
+folks, there is not nobody I knows who's ever been there, excusing a few
+head of draft-boys which went there enduring of the early part of the
+war; and they wouldn't scarcely count neither on account of them just
+passing through and not staying over only just a short time whilst
+waiting for the boat to start. Howsomever, they tells me, one and all,
+that from what they did see of it they is willing to recommend it very
+highly.
+
+One or two of the white gentlemen which I is well acquainted with, they
+tells me the same, too. Mr. Jere Fairleigh he takes me into his law
+office when I meets him on the street and speaks to him about it; and he
+gets a book all about New York down off of one of his shelves and he
+reads to me where the book says that in New York there is more of these
+here Germans than there is in any German city except one, and more
+Russians than there is in any Russia city except none, and more Italians
+than there is in any Italy city except one, and more Hungarians than
+there is in any Hungry city at all, and so on and so forth. I says to
+him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Jere, it seems lak they is mo' of ever' nation in Noo Yawk 'en whut
+they is anywhars else. But they does not 'pear to be nothin' said 'bout
+'Merikins. How come, suh?"
+
+He says he reckons there's so few of them there that the man which wrote
+the book didn't figure it was worth while putting them in. Still, he
+says I'll probably run into somebody once in awhile which speaks the
+United States language.
+
+"'Most every policeman does," he says, "I understand it's the law that
+they have to be able to speak it before they'll let 'em go on the force,
+so as they can understand the foreigners that come over from the
+mainland of North America to visit in New York."
+
+The way he looks--so sort of serious--when he says that, I can't tell if
+he's in earnest or not. I judges, though, that he's just having his
+fumdiddles with me. And then he goes on and tells me that the biggest of
+everything and the tallest and the richest and the grandest is found
+there and if I don't believe it is, I can just ask any New Yorker after
+I gets there and he'll tell me the same.
+
+So, taking one thing with another, I'm mighty much pleased when the word
+comes along in about a week from then that the old judge says I can go
+and sends me his best wishes and a twenty-dollar bill as a parting gift
+and friendship offering. He says in the letter, which Mr. Dallas reads
+to me, to tell me to be sort of careful about sampling the stock of
+liquor and cigars on the sideboard of any New York family when I'm in
+their house, and also not to start in wearing a strange Yankee
+gentleman's clothes without telling him about it first. He says people
+up there probably don't understand local customs as they have ever
+prevailed down our way, and if I ain't careful, first thing I know
+there'll be a skinny black nigger named Jeff locked up in the county
+jail hollowing for help and not no help handy.
+
+But that's just the old boss-man's joke. He always is been the beatenest
+one for twitting me about little things around the house! Mr. Dallas he
+knows how to take what the Judge says and so does I and we has quite a
+laugh together over the letter.
+
+And lessen twenty-four hours from that time we is both all packed up and
+on our way, New York bound, me wearing one of Mr. Dallas' suits of
+clothes which I figures he ain't had it on his back more than five or
+six times before altogether. It's a suit of a most pleasing pattern,
+too. And cut very stylish, with a belt in the back.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[1] Note by Jeff's amanuensis.--In the part of the Union from which Jeff
+hails and among his race the word _mumbling_ denotes complaint,
+peevishness, a querulous utterance.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+_North Bound_
+
+
+Next morning after we gets across into Ohio, Mr. Dallas he fetches me
+into the Pullman car where he's riding. I finds myself more comfortable
+there than I has been riding up front in the colored compartment, but
+lesser easy in my mind. I enjoys the feel of them soft seats and yet I
+gets sort of uneasy setting amongst so many strange white folks. Still,
+there ain't nobody telling me to roust myself out from there and after a
+while I gets more used to being where I now is. Also I gets acquainted
+with two of the porters, the one on our car and the one on the car which
+is hitched on next to us. When they ain't busy, we all three gets out in
+the little porches betwixt the cars and confabs together. 'Course I
+don't let on to them, but all the time I studies them two boys.
+
+The one on our car, which his given name is Roscoe, is short and chunky
+and kind of fatted out; he's black as the pots and powerful nappy-headed
+besides. His head looks like somebody has done dipped it in a kettle of
+grease and then throwed a handful of buckshot at it and they all stuck.
+But he's smart; he knows what's service. I sees that plain.
+
+With Roscoe it's this way: A lady gets on board the car. No sooner does
+she sit down and begin to fumble with the hat-pins than there's old
+Roscoe standing right alongside of her holding a big paper bag in his
+hands all opened out for her to put her hat in it and keep it out of the
+dust. A gentleman setting in the smoking-room reaches in his pocket and
+gets a cigar out. Before he rightly can bite the end of it off, here is
+this here same Roscoe at his elbow with a match ready. Roscoe he ain't
+hanging back waiting for folks to ask him for something and then have
+them getting all fretful whilst he's running to find whatever 'tis they
+wants. No sir, not him. He's there with the materials almost before
+they is made up their minds what it is they craves next. He just
+naturally beats 'em to it; which I'll tell the world that's service.
+
+He's powerful crafty about his tips, too. When he does something for a
+passenger and the passenger reaches in his pocket to get a little piece
+of chicken-feed out to hand over to Roscoe, he smiles and holds up his
+hand.
+
+"No, suh," he says to him, "keep yore funds whar they now is, please,
+suh. There ain't no hurry--we're goin' travel quite a piece together.
+W'en we gits to whar you gits off, ef you is puffec'ly satisfied wid all
+whut has been done in yore behalf then you kin slip me a lil' reward, ef
+you's a-mind to."
+
+He tells me in confidences that working it that-a-way he gets dollars
+where he would a-got dimes. He calls it his deferred payment plan. He
+says some months his tips run three times what his wages is. I'll say
+that old tar-baby certainly is got something in his head besides sockets
+for his teeth to set in.
+
+The other porter, the one which is on the car next behind, is as
+different from Roscoe as day is from night. He calls himself Harold.
+But I knows just from looking at him that he's too old for such a fancy
+entitlement as that. 'Cause Harold is a new-issue name amongst us
+colored, and this here boy must be rising of forty years old, if he's a
+day. This Harold is yellow-complected and yet he ain't the pure high
+yellow, neither; he's more the shade of a slice of scorched sponge cake.
+He's plenty uppidity. And I takes notice that the further North the
+train goes the more uppidity he gets. He quits saying "No, ma'am," and
+"Yas, suh," almost before we leaves Cincinnati. He quits saying "Thanky,
+_suh_," and he starts saying "_I_ thank you," in such a way it sounds
+like he was actually doing you a favor to accept your two bits. He
+starts talking back to passengers which complains about something. He
+acts more and more begrudgeful until it looks like it must actually hurt
+him to step along and do something which somebody on the train wants
+done. Along about Pittsburgh he's got so brash that I keeps watching for
+some white man to rise up and knock that boy's mouth so far round from
+the middle of his face it'll look like his side-entrance. But nothing
+like that don't happen and I is most deeply surprised and marvels
+greatly. I says to myself, I says:
+
+"Harold," I says, "I aims to git yore likeness well fixed in my mind
+'cause I got a presentermint 'at you ain't goin' be 'round yere so very
+much longer an' I wants to be able to remember how you looked, after you
+is gone frum us. Some these times you is goin' git yore system mixed an'
+start bein' biggotty on yore way South an' 'en you is due to wake up at
+the end of yore run all organized to attend yore own fune'l. Yas, suh,
+man, w'en you comes to in Newerleans you'll a-been daid fully twelve
+hours. I kin jest shut my eyes right now an' see the cemetery sexton
+pattin' you in the face wid a spade."
+
+I talks to him about the way he acts. Course I does not come right out
+and ask him about it; but I leads him up to it gentle and roundabout. He
+tells me he don't aim to let nobody run over him. He tells me he
+considers himself just as good as they is, if not better. He says he
+lives in a place called Jersey City where the colored race gets their
+bounden rights and if they don't get 'em they up and contends for 'em
+until they do. I says to him, I says:
+
+"Harold," I says, "I ain't never been about nowhars much till this
+present trip an' I ain't never seen much, so you must excuse of my
+ign'ence but the way it looks to me, I'd ruther be happy amongst niggers
+then miser'ble amongst w'ite folks."
+
+He says to me ain't I got no respect for my color? I says to him I's got
+so much respect for it that I ain't aiming to jam myself into places
+where I ain't desired. He says that ain't the point; he says the point
+is that I is got to stand up for the entitled rights and privileges of
+the colored race. I says where I comes from I also has got to think
+about keeping from getting my head all peeled. He says to me I'll find
+out before I has been long up North that there is a sight of difference
+betwixt Kentucky and New Jersey. I says to him that most doubtless he is
+right. And then he says I should also be careful about speaking the
+word "nigger." He says the word ain't never used no more amongst
+colored folks which respects themselves. I says to him, I says:
+
+"Huh!" I says. "Well, then, whut does you call a boy w'en you's blabbin'
+'long wid him friendly-lak?"
+
+He says it is different when I is strictly amongst my own color, but
+that I mustn't never speak the word "nigger" in front of white folks nor
+never allow no white man to call me that and get away with it.
+
+I says:
+
+"Not even ef you is wu'kin' fur him an' he don't call it to you to hurt
+yore feelin's nor to demean you but jest sez it sociable an' so-an'-so?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Not under no circumstances whutsomever."
+
+I says:
+
+"How is I goin' stop him?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Wid yore fists. Or half of a loose brick. Or somethin'."
+
+I says to Harold:
+
+"Harold," I says, "you shore wuz right jest now w'en you norrated 'at
+they wuz a diff'ience betwixt Kintucky an' up-North. Well, live an'
+learn," I says, "live an' learn. Only, ef I aims to learn frum you I has
+doubts whether I'll live so ver' much longer."
+
+We talks some more about making money, too. It seems like the closer you
+gets to New York City the more you thinks about money. I noticed it then
+and I notices it since, frequent. He says to me that some of the boys in
+the sleeping-car portering business don't depend just on their wages and
+their tips alone. He says they has another way for to pick up loose
+change. He says he don't follow after it himself; he says he has got one
+or two other boys in mind which he has talked with 'em and knows how
+they does it.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Specify?"
+
+He says:
+
+"The way these yere boys gits they money is 'at they gits it late at
+night after ever'body has done went to baid. Most gin'elly a man 'at's
+travelin' he don't keep track of his loose change. Anyhow, he don't
+keep near ez close track of it ez he do w'en he's home. He's buyin'
+hisse'f a cigar yere an' a paper-back book there an' a apple in this
+place an' a sandwitch in 'at place, an' he jest stick the change in his
+pants pocket an' goes on 'bout his bus'ness. Well, come baid-time, he
+turns in. We'll say you is the porter on his car. You goes th'ough the
+car till you comes to his berth. You parts the curtains jest ez easy ez
+you kin an' you peeps in th'ough the crack an' see ef he's sleepin'
+good. Ef his pants is all folded up smooth you better ramble along an'
+leave 'at man be. Folded pants is most gine'lly a sign of a careful man
+w'ich the chances is he knows how much he's got to a cent. But ef his
+pants is kind of wadded-up in the lil' hammock or flung to one side sort
+of keerless-lak, you reaches in an' you lifts 'em out. But fust you
+wants to be shore he's sleepin' sound. Them w'ich sleeps on the back wid
+the mouth open is the safetest."
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Yes, but s'posen' he do wake up an' ketch you fumblin' 'round insides
+of his berth. Whut then?"
+
+"Oh," he says, "tha's all purvided fur in the ritual. You sez to him:
+''Scuse me, mister, I med a mistake. I thought you wuz the gen'lman 'at
+lef' a early call fur to git off at Harrisburg.' But most in gine'l he
+don't wake up. So you gits his pants out into the aisle an' goes th'ough
+'em. Ef he's got somewhars 'round five dollars in loose change in his
+pockets, you teks fifty cents, no mo' an' no less, an' 'en you slips his
+pants back whar you found 'em an' go 'long. Ef he's got somewhars 'round
+ten dollars in chicken-feed an' in ones an' twos, you assesses him dues
+of jest one dollar even. Ef you plays yore system right an' don't git
+greedy they ain't one chanc't in a thousand 'at he'll miss the money
+w'en he wakes up. But," he says, "they's one fatal exception to the
+rule. W'en you come to him, don't touch a cent of his money no matter
+how much he's carryin' on him. 'Cause ef you do he's shore to mek a
+hollow the very fust thing in the mornin' an' next thing you know you's
+in trouble an' they's beckonin' you up on the cyarpet."
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Wait a minute," I says. "Lemme see ef I can't name you the exception my
+own se'f. The exception," I says, "is the w'ite man w'ich he carries all
+his small change in one of these yere lil' screwed-up leather purses.
+Ain't it?"
+
+And he says yes, for a fact, that's so. But he says how come I is
+knowing so much when I ain't never done no portering my own self. And I
+says to him, a man don't need to be wearing railroading clothes to know
+that any white man which totes around one of them little tight patent
+purses knows at all times, sleeping or waking, just exactly how much
+money he's got.
+
+Well, when we gets to New York City it's morning again. When we comes
+out of the depot onto the street I takes one look round and I allows to
+myself that these here New York folks certainly is got powerfully behind
+someway with their hauling. Excusing the time we had the cyclone down
+home, I ain't never in my whole life seen so much truck and stuff and
+things moving in all different directions at the same time. And
+people--_who-ee_! Every which-a-way I looks all I can see is a multitude
+of strangers. And I says to myself there certainly must be a big
+convention going on in this town for the streets to be so full of
+visiting delegates and it's a mighty good thing for us Mr. Dallas is
+done sent a telegram on ahead for rooms at the hotel, else we'd have to
+camp out with some private family same as they does down home in
+county-fair week or when the district Methodist conference meets.
+
+The white gentleman that's going to fix up what I writes, he told me
+that I should set down my first impressions of New York before I begins
+to forget 'em. He says they'll make good local color, whatever that is.
+Which I will now do so:
+
+The thing which impresses me first and foremost is a steamboat I sees on
+the river which runs alongside New York City on the side nearest to
+Paducah. She is not no side-wheeler nor yet she ain't no stern-wheeler,
+which all the steamboats I has ever seen before is naturally bound to
+be one or the other. As near as I can tell, she has not got no wheel at
+all, side- or stern-. It would seem that what runs her is a kind of a
+big hump-back timber which sticks up out of the middle of her hurricane
+deck and works up and down, and which Mr. Dallas tells me is known as a
+walking-beam. But it seems like to me that's certainly a most curiousome
+way to run a steamboat and I says to myself that wonders will never
+cease!
+
+And the thing which impresses me next most is a snack-stand on a
+sidewalk where they is selling watermelons by the slice--and it the
+middle of August!
+
+And next to that the most impressiveness is when I sees a gang of black
+fellows working on a levee down by this same river, only it's mighty
+flat-looking for a levee. These boys is working there roustabouting
+freight, and there ain't a single one of 'em which is singing as he goes
+back and forth. When a river-nigger down our way don't sing whilst he's
+loading, it's a sign something is wrong with him and next thing he knows
+he don't know nothing by reason of the mate having lammed him across
+the head with a hickory gad. But this here gang is going along just as
+dumb as if they was white. I wonders to myself if thereby they is hoping
+to fool somebody into believing they is white?
+
+I will therefore state that these three things is the things which
+impresses me the most highly on my first arrival in New York. I also
+takes notice of the high buildings. They strikes me as being quite high;
+but of course when you starts in to build a high building, highness is
+naturally what you aims for, ain't it?
+
+
+
+
+Chapter III
+
+_Manhattan Isle_
+
+
+The day we gets to New York is the day before yesterday and we has been
+on the go so constant ever since and I has seen so much it seems like my
+ideas is all mixed up together same as a mess of scrambled eggs. The way
+it looks to me, the mainest difficulty with an author, especially if
+he's kind of new at the authorizing business, is not so much to find
+something to write up as 'tis to pick out the special things which
+should be wrote up and just leave the rest be. So it is now my aim to
+set forth the main points which sticks out in my mind.
+
+Well, first off, soon as we gets in, we goes to the hotel. Beforehand,
+Mr. Dallas he says to me it's a quiet hotel up-town; but when we arrives
+at it I takes a look around and I says to myself that if this here is a
+quiet hotel they shore must have to wear ear-mufflers at one of the
+noisy ones if they hopes to hear themselves think. To begin with, she
+don't look like no hotel I've ever been used to. She rears herself away
+up in the air, same as a church steeple, only with windows all the way
+up, and although the weather is pleasant there is not no white folks
+setting in chairs under the front gallery. In the first place, there is
+not nothing which looks like a gallery, excusing it's a little glass
+to-do which sticks out over the pavement at the main entrance, and if
+anybody was to try setting there the only way he could save his feet
+from being mashed off by people trampling on 'em would be for him to
+have both legs sawed off at the ankles. You'd think that, being up-town,
+the neighborhood would be kind of quiet, with shade trees and maybe some
+vacant lots here and there, but, no, sir; it's all built up solid and
+the crowds is mighty near as thick as what they was down around the
+depot and in just as much of a hurry to get to wherever it is they is
+bound for.
+
+Even with all the jamming and all the excitement going on they must
+a-been expecting us. The way they fusses over Mr. Dallas is proof to my
+mind that somebody must a-told 'em in advance that he belongs to the
+real quality down where we comes from, and I certainly is puffed up with
+pride to be along with him. Because if he had been the King of Europe
+they could not have showed him no higher honors than what they does.
+
+No sooner does we pull up at the curb-stone in front than a huge big
+tall white man dressed up something like a Knights of Templar is opening
+the taxihack door for us to get out; and two or three white boys in
+militia suits comes a-running at his call and snatches the baggage away
+from me; and another member of the Grand Lodge, in full uniform, is
+standing just inside the front door to give us the low bow of welcome as
+we walks into a place which it is all done up with marble posts and with
+red wallpaper on the walls and gold chicken-coops on every side until it
+puts me in mind of a country nigger's notion of Heaven. Over at the
+clerk's enclosure three white men is waiting very eager to receive us,
+which each and every one of 'em is wearing his dress-up clothes with a
+standing collar and long-tailed coat the same as though he was fixing to
+be best man at a wedding or pall-bearer at a funeral or something else
+extra special and fancy. For all it's summer-time there is not nobody
+loafing round there in his shirt sleeves--I bet you there ain't!
+
+One of the pall-bearing gentlemen shoves the book round for Mr. Dallas
+to write his name in it and the second one he reaches for the keys and
+the third one he looks to see if there is not some mail or telegrams for
+him. It takes no lessen a number than three of them white boys in the
+soldier clothes to escort Mr. Dallas upstairs and a fourth one he grabs
+up my valise and takes me on an elevator to the servants' annex. He
+don't have to run the elevator himself, neither. There's another hand
+just to do that alone and all my white boy is got to do is wrestle my
+baggage. It's the first time in my life ever I has had a white person
+toting my belongings for me and it makes me feel kind of abovish and
+important. Also, I takes notice that when he gets to my room he keeps
+hanging round fussing with the window shade and first one thing and then
+another, same as if he was one of the bell-boys at the hotel down home
+waiting on a traveling man. Course he's lingering round till he gets his
+tip. For quite a spell I lets him linger on and suffer. I lets on like I
+don't suspicion what he's hanging about that-a-way for. Then I slips him
+two-bits and I don't begrudge it to him, neither, account of it giving
+me such a satisfactory feeling to be high-toning a white boy.
+
+I says to myself that if this here is the annex where they boards the
+transom[2] help, what must the main part of the hotel where the regular
+guests stays at be like? Because my room certainly is mighty
+stylish-looking and full of general grandeur. But I ain't got no time to
+be staying there and enjoying the furniture, because I knows Mr. Dallas
+will be needing me for to come and wait on him. So I starts right out to
+find him and it seems like I travels half a mile through
+them hallways before I does so. He's got a big setting-room all to
+himself and a fashionable bedroom and a special bath and a little
+special hall and all.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas, they shore must be monstrous set-up over havin' you pick
+out they hotel fur us to stop at. Look how the reception committee
+turned out fur you downstairs in full regalia? Look how they mouty nigh
+broke they necks fur to usher you in in due state? And now ef they ain't
+done gone an' 'sign you to the bridal chamber an' give you the upstairs
+parlor fur yore own use, mo' over! It p'intedly indicates to me 'at they
+sets a heap of store by you."
+
+He sort of laughs at that.
+
+"Why, Jeff," he says, "if you think this is a fine lay-out you should
+see some of the other _suites_ they have here."
+
+I says:
+
+"I ain't cravin' to see 'em. I done seen sweetness 'nuff ez 'tis. They
+su'ttinly is usin' us noble."
+
+He says they should ought to use us noble seeing what the price is they
+charges us. He says:
+
+"Do you know what I'm paying here for the accommodations for the two of
+us? I'm paying twenty-seven dollars and a half."
+
+I says to him if that's the case he better let me clear out of there
+right brisk and skirmish round and find me a respectable colored
+boarding house somewheres handy by, so's to cut down the expenses,
+because, I don't care what anybody says, twenty-seven dollars and a half
+is a sight of money to be paying out every week.
+
+He says:
+
+"Twenty-seven and a half a week--huh! Remember, Jeff, we are in New York
+now where everything runs high. This stands me twenty-seven and a half a
+day."
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"_Who-ee!_" I says. "No wonder they kin purvide fancy garments fur all
+the hands an' buy solid gold bars fur the cage whar they keeps them
+clerks penned up. Mr. Dallas," I says, "it shore is behoovin' on us to
+eat hearty th'ee times a day in awder fur to git our money's worth
+whilst we's boardin' yere."
+
+He says, though, for me not to overtax my appetite just on that account
+because the eating is besides; he says we pays twenty-seven dollars and
+a half a day just for our rooms.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas, let's git out of yere befo' they begins chargin' us up fur
+the air we breathes!"
+
+He says:
+
+"You're too late with your suggestion; they do charge us for that. The
+air is all cleaned and cooled before it comes into these rooms."
+
+Then I knows for sure he is burlesqueing me. Who's going to hold the air
+whilst they cleans it? And the Good Lord Himself can't chill air to
+order in the middle of a August hot spell, let alone a lot of folks
+running a hotel--can He? I asks Mr. Dallas them questions.
+
+But he just laughs and say to me that there's not no need to worry,
+because he won't be staying there only just a day or so. He says Mr. H.
+C. Raynor, which is his principalest friend in New York and the one
+which he's thinking about maybe going into business with, has done
+devised for us to hire some ready-furnished quarters still higher
+up-town. He says something about 'em being Sublette quarters in a
+department-house; leastwise that's what I makes out of what he says.
+That's news to me in more ways than one because, in the first place, I
+didn't know any of the Sublettes, which is a very plentiful white
+connection in our county, had done moved up here to live, and in the
+second place it seemed like to me there just naturally couldn't be no
+more up-town to New York City than what I already had done observed
+coming from the train.
+
+He goes on to say he is expecting to hear from the gentleman almost any
+minute now and then he'll know better what the program is. Almost before
+he gets the words out of his mouth the telephone bell rings and sure
+enough, it is this here Mr. Raynor which is on the wire, and it turns
+out that the place where we're going is ready for us now on account of
+the folks which owns it having gone away sooner than what they expected,
+and the further tidings is that we can move up there that same day,
+which we does--along about an hour before supper-time. I notices they
+don't make near as much fuss over us going thence from there as they did
+whilst ushering of us in. I judges the man what owns the hotel must be
+feeling kind of put-out about losing of all that there money which we'd
+be paying him had we a-stayed on.
+
+We gets into a taxihack and we rides for what seems like to me it's
+several miles and still are not nowheres near the outskirts as far as I
+can judge, and when finally we gets to the new location I has another
+astonishment. For here all day I've been expecting we'd land at a
+private residence but this place to which we've come at don't look like
+no private residence to me. It's more like the hotel we just left only
+more bigger and mighty near as tall. In all other respects additional it
+certainly is a grand establishment.
+
+It's got a kind of a private road so's carriages can drive in under
+shelter off the sidewalk and 'way back inside is a round piece of ground
+all fixed up with solid marble benches and little cedar trees and
+flowerbeds, like a cemetery. I thinks to myself that maybe this here is
+the private burying-plot for the owner's family; but still there ain't
+no tombstones in sight excepting one over the front door with words cut
+on it, and since I figures I has done showed ignorance enough for one
+day, I don't ask no fool questions about it. The help here also wears
+fancy clothes, but is my own color. I'm glad of that because I counts
+now on having some black folks to get acquainted with and to talk to;
+but just as soon as one of 'em opens his mouth and speaks I knows they
+is not my kind even if they is my complexion. Because he don't talk like
+no white folks ever I knowed and yet he don't talk like none of the
+black folks does at home. Still, just from his conversation I can place
+him. There was two just like him which was brought along once by a
+Northern family staying in our town but they didn't linger long amongst
+us. They didn't like the place and no more the place didn't like them.
+They claimed they was genuine West Indians, whatever that is, and they
+made their brags constant that they also was British subjects. But Aunt
+Dilsey Turner she always said they looked more like objects to her. Aunt
+Dilsey, which she was Judge Priest's cook for going on twenty years, is
+mighty plain-spoken about folks and things which she don't fancy. And
+she did not fancy these two none whatsomever.
+
+When we gets upstairs to our section I'm sort of disappointed in it. The
+furniture ain't new and shiny like what I naturally expected 'twould be.
+Most of it is kind of old and dingy and hacked-up-looking. The curtains
+at the setting-room windows is all frayed-like and mighty near wore
+through in spots. And the Sublette family must a-run out of money before
+they got round to buying the carpets because they is not no carpets at
+all but only a passel of old faded rugs scattered about the floor here
+and there. Some of the chairs--the best company chairs, too--is so old
+they is actually decrepit. I'd say that by rights they belonged in a
+second-hand store, or leastways up in the attic. Moreover, they ain't no
+upstairs to our department nor yet there is not no downstairs nor no
+cellar, but instead, everything, kitchen, pantry, and the rooms for the
+help and all, runs on one floor. But Mr. Dallas he deports himself like
+he is satisfied and it ain't for me to be finding fault if he sees
+fitten not to find any.
+
+Anyway, I is so busy for a little while flying round and getting things
+unpacked that I has no time to utter complaints. Pretty soon, though, I
+has to knock off hanging up Mr. Dallas' suits to mix a batch of
+cocktails from the private stock he has brought along with him in one of
+his trunks, because this here Mr. Raynor he telephones he's bringing
+some of his friends for a round of drinks with Mr. Dallas and then Mr.
+Raynor says they'll ride out in his motor-car to a road-house to get 'em
+some dinner. I takes his message off the telephone and I knows that's
+what he says, surprising though it do sound.
+
+That's a couple of new ones on me--eating dinner when it's already
+mighty near past supper-time and eating it at a road-house, too! I says
+to myself that New York City is getting to act more curiouser to me
+every minute I stays in it. Because the only road-house ever I knowed of
+by that name used to stand alongside the toll-gate just outside the
+corporation limits on the Mayfield road and the old white man which
+collected the tolls lived in it, his name being Mr. Gip Bayless. But the
+gate is done torn down since the public government taken over the gravel
+roads, and anyhow, even in its most palmiest days, none of the quality
+wouldn't never think of stopping there at that little old rusty house
+for their vittles. They'd mighty near as soon think of having a picnic
+at the pest-house.
+
+Still and notwithstanding, Mr. Dallas ain't indicating no surprise when
+I conveys to him what Mr. Raynor says, so I reflects to myself that if
+toll-gate houses up here is in proportion to everything else this one
+which they're aiming to go to, must probably be about the size of a
+county courthouse, with a slate roof on it and doubtless a cupola. So I
+just gets busy and mingles up a batch of powerful tasty cocktails in
+the shaker. I knows they is tasty from a couple of private samples which
+I pours off for myself out in the pantry. My experience has been that
+the only way you can tell is a cocktail just right is to taste it from
+time to time as you goes along.
+
+Immediately soon here comes Mr. Raynor with his friends which there is
+four of them, besides himself--one other gentleman named Bellows and
+three ladies. One of the ladies is older than the other two, but
+decorated more younger, if anything, than what they is. Introducing her
+to Mr. Dallas, Mr. Raynor says her name is Mrs. Gaylord but they all
+calls her Jerry. She's pretty near entirely out of eyebrows, but she has
+got more than a bushel of hair which is all kind of frozen-looking and
+curled up tight on her head. It don't look natural to me and I knows it
+ain't natural a little bit later when Mr. Raynor sets down on the arm of
+her chair and throws his arm around her sort of offhand and
+sociable-like, and she up and tells him for Heaven's sake to be careful
+and not muss her up because she says she's only just that day spent
+forty dollars and four hours getting a permanent wave put in.
+
+At that I says to myself, I says:
+
+"Well, betwixt w'ites an' blacks we su'ttinly is mekin' the world safe
+fur them beauty doctors. Niggers down South spendin' all the money they
+kin rake an' scrape togither gittin' the kinkiness tuck out of they
+haids an' fashionable ladies up yere spendin' their'n gittin' it put in!
+It's a compliment to one race or the other, but jest w'ich I ain't
+purpared to say."
+
+The other ladies is named Miss O'Brien and Miss DeWitt but it's kind of
+hard for me at first to remember which from which seeing that the rest
+of the party scarcely ever calls 'em anything except Pat and Bill-Lee.
+They is both mighty nice and friendly but they is exclusively different
+one from the other. Miss Pat she's got her hair chopped off short like a
+little boy's and she acts kind of like a boy does, too--free and easy
+and laughing a lot and smoking a cigarette so natural that it's like as
+if she must a-been born with one in her mouth and it lighted. And yet
+for all that, I seems to get the impression that way down underneath
+she's kind of tired of herself and everything around her.
+
+But this here Miss DeWitt she is tall and slender and kind of quiet. She
+must a-been feeling poorly lately because her face is just dead-white
+and her lips is still bright red from the fever and when she sets down
+in a chair she just seems to kind of fall back into it, all limp-like.
+She ain't saying much with her mouth but she does a sight of talking
+with her eyes which is big and black and sort of lazy-like most of the
+time. She sure is decked up with jewelry like the Queen of Sheba, too.
+She's got big heavy necklaces round her neck and great long ear-rings in
+her ears and many bracelets on both her arms. She's even got two big
+bracelets clamped round one of her ankles, which I judges she didn't
+have room for 'em nowheres else and so put 'em there to keep from losing
+'em; and when she moves the jewelry all jingles freely and advertises
+her. She walks with a kind of a limber swimming gait, soft and glideful;
+of course it ain't exactly like swimming and yet that's the only way I
+can designate what her walking puts me in mind of. She wears dead black
+clothes and that makes her paleness seem all the more so.
+
+Right from the first jump I can see that Mr. Dallas is drawed to her
+powerful, and I thinks to myself that if he's fixing to favor this here
+languid lady with his attentions it proves he's got a changeable taste
+because she ain't nothing at all similar to Miss Henrietta Farrell,
+which she is the one that he's been courting these past few months down
+in Kentucky. In fact, she's most teetotally unsimilar.
+
+This Mr. Bellows which came with Mr. Raynor he don't detain my attention
+much. If he wasn't there you wouldn't scarcely miss him; and when he is
+there you don't scarcely observe him. He makes me think of a neat
+haircut and nothing else. You just appreciate him being present and
+that's all. But I studies Mr. Raynor every chance I gets, the more
+especially because he's the one which is more or less responsible for us
+having come North. He's very cheering in his ways; laughing and
+whooping out loud at everything and poking fun and telling Mr. Dallas
+that he must be good friends with Mr. Bellows and the three ladies
+because they is all four of 'em his friends. But I takes note that when
+he laughs he don't laugh with his eyes but only with his mouth, and when
+he sort of smiles to himself, quiet-like, it puts me in mind of a man
+drawing a knife. I can't keep from having a kind of a feeling when I
+looks at him!
+
+Well, they imbibes up all the cocktails that I has waiting for them and
+a batch more which I makes by request and then they packs up a couple of
+bottles--one Scotch and one Bourbon--to take along with 'em for to
+refresh themselves with at the road-house and off they puts. And the
+last thing I hears as they goes down the hall is Mr. Raynor still
+laughing from off the top of his palates and the sickly one, Miss
+DeWitt's necklaces and things all jingling like a road-gang. Mr. Dallas
+he calls back to me from the elevator that I needn't wait up for him
+because it is liable to be pretty late when he gets in. But it's a good
+thing I does wait up, dozing off and on between times, because when he
+arrives back, along about half past three in the morning, he certainly
+does need my assistance getting his clothes off of him. Not since Dryness
+come in has I seen a young white gentleman more thoroughly overtaken than
+what he is. And we got a-plenty vigorous drinkers down our way, too! And
+always did have!
+
+So then I goes to bed myself and that's the end of our first day. And
+the following day, which it was yesterday, is the day I gets lost.
+
+Which I will tell about that, next.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[2] Note.--It is believed that Jeff meant "transient."
+
+
+
+
+Chapter IV
+
+_Harlem Heights_
+
+
+Well, in the morning I arranges a snack of nuturious breakfast on a tray
+and takes it in to Mr. Dallas. But he ain't craving nothing solid to
+eat. He's just craving to lay still and favor his headache. Soon as he
+opens his eyes he starts in groaning like he's done got far behind with
+his groaning and is striving for to catch up. And I knows he must a-felt
+powerful good last night to be feeling so bad this morning. Misery may
+love company, as some say it do, but I takes notice that very often she
+don't arrive till after the company is gone.
+
+He tells me to take them vittles out of his sight and fix him up about a
+gallon of good cold ice-water and set it alongside his bed in easy reach
+and then I can leave him be where he is and go on out for awhile and
+seek amusement looking at the sights and scenes of New York City. But
+when I gets to the door he calls out to me I better make it two gallons.
+Which I knows by that he ain't so far gone but what he still can joke.
+
+So I goes on out, just strolling along in a general direction, a-looking
+at this and admiring of that; and there certainly is a heap for to see
+and for to admire. The houses is so tall it seems like the sky is
+resting almost on the tops of 'em and it's mighty near the bluest sky
+and the clearest ever I seen. It makes you want to get up there and fly
+round in it. But down below in the street there ain't so very much
+brightness by reasons of the buildings being so high they cuts off the
+daylight somewhat. It's like walking through a hollow betwixt steep
+hills.
+
+People is stirring around every which-a-way, both on foot and in
+automobiles; and most of the automobiles is all shined up nice and clean
+like as if the owners was going to take part in an automobile parade in
+connection with the convention. Everybody is extensively well-dressed,
+too, but most all is wearing a kind of a brooding look like they had
+family troubles at home or something else to pester 'em. And they ain't
+stopping one another when they meets and saying ain't it a lovely
+morning and passing the time of day, like we does down home. Even some
+of them which comes out of the same house together just goes bulging on
+without a word to nobody, and I remarks to myself that a lot of the
+neighbors in this district must a-had a falling-out amongst themselves
+and quit speaking. The children on the sidewalk ain't playing much
+together, neither. Either they plays off by themselves or they just
+walks along with their keepers.
+
+And there is almost as many dogs as there is children, mostly small,
+fool-looking dogs; and the dogs is all got keepers, too, dragging 'em on
+chains and jerking 'em up sharp when they tries to linger and smell
+round for strange smells and confab with passing dogs. Near as I can
+make out, the dogs here ain't allowed to behave like regulation dogs,
+and the children mainly tries to act like as if they was already
+growed-up, and the growed-up ones has caught the prevailing glumness
+disease and I is approximately almost the only person in sight that's
+getting much enjoyment out of being in New York.
+
+All of a sudden I hears the dad-blamedest _blim-blamming_ behind me. I
+turns round quick and here comes the New York City paid fire department
+going to a fire. The biggest fire-engine ever I sees goes scooting by,
+tearing the road wide open and making a most awful racket. Right behind
+comes the hook-and-ladder wagon with the firemen hanging onto both sides
+of it, trying to stick fast and put their rubber coats on at the same
+time; and right behind it comes a big red automobile, _licketty-split_.
+Setting up alongside the driver of it is a gentleman in blue clothes and
+brass buttons, which he's got a big cigar clamped betwixt his teeth and
+looks highly important. But he ain't wearing a flannel shirt open at the
+throat, but has got his coat on and it buttoned up, so I assumes it
+can't be the chief of the department but probably must be the mayor. And
+in lessen no time they all has swung off into a side street, two
+squares away, with me taking out after 'em down the middle of the street
+fast as I can travel.
+
+Now, every town where I've been at heretofore to this, when the
+fire-bell rings everybody drops whatever they is doing and goes to the
+fire. Elsewhere from New York, enjoying fires is one of the main
+pleasures of people; but soon I is surprised to see that I'm pretty near
+the only person which is trailing along after the department. Whilst I'm
+still wondering over this circumstance, but still running also, a police
+grabs me by the arm and asks me where is I going in such a big hurry?
+
+I tells him I is going to the fire. And he says to me that I might as
+well slow up and save my breath because it's liable to be quite a long
+trip for me. I asks him how come, and he says the fire is probably three
+or four miles from here and maybe even considerable further than that.
+And I says to him, that must make it mighty inconvenient for all
+concerned, having the fires so far away from the engine-house. At that
+he sort of chuckles and tells me to be on my way, but to keep my eyes
+open and not let the cows nibble me. Well, as I says to myself going
+away from him, I may be green, but I is getting some enjoyment out of
+being here which is more'n I can say for some folks round these parts,
+judging by what I has seen up to this here present moment.
+
+So I meanders along, looking at this and that, and turning corners every
+once in awhile; and after a spell it comes to me that I has meandered
+myself into an exceedingly different neighborhood from the one I started
+out from. The houses is not so tall and is more or less rusty-looking;
+and there's a set of railroad tracks running through, built up on a high
+trestle; and whilst there has been a falling-off in dogs there has been
+an ample increase in children; the place just swarms with 'em. These
+here children is running loose all over the sidewalks and out in the
+streets, too, but it seems like to me they spends more time quarreling
+than what they does playing. Or maybe it sounds like quarreling because
+they has to hollow so loud on account of all the noises occurring round
+'em.
+
+I decides to go back, but the trouble is I don't rightly know which is
+the right way to turn. I've been sashaying about so, first to the right
+and then to the left, that I ain't got no more sense of direction than
+one of these here patent egg-beaters. So I rambles on, getting more and
+more bewilded-like all the time, till I comes to another police and I
+walks up to him and states my perdicterment to him very polite and tells
+him I needs help getting back to where I belongs at.
+
+He looks at me very strict, like he can't make up his mind whether he'd
+better run me in for vagromcy or let me go, and then he says, kind of
+short:
+
+"Make it snappy, then. Where d'ye live?"
+
+I tells him I has done forgot the name of the street, if indeed I ever
+heard it, but from the looks of it I judges it must be the chief
+resident street where the best families resides. I tells him we has just
+moved in there, Mr. Dallas Pulliam and me, and has started up
+housekeeping in the department-house which stands on the principal
+corner. I tells him it's the department-house where the inmates all
+lives in layers, one upon top of the other, like martins in a martin
+box.
+
+"You mean apartment-house," he says; "department store, but
+apartment-house. Well, what's the name of this apartment-house, then, if
+you can't remember the street?"
+
+That makes me scratch under my hat, too. 'Cause I pointedly doesn't know
+that neither.
+
+"Nummine the name, boss," I says, "jest you, please suh, tell me
+whar'bouts is the leadin' apartment-house of this yere city of Noo Yawk;
+that'll be it--the leadin'est one. 'Cause Mr. Dallas Pulliam he is
+accustom' to the best whar'ever he go."
+
+But he only acts like he's getting more and more impatient with me.
+
+"Describe it," he says, "describe it! There's one chance in a thousand
+that might help. What does it look like?"
+
+So I tells him what it looks like--how a little private road winds in
+and circles round a little place which is like a family-burying-ground,
+and about the hands downstairs at the front door all being from West
+Indiana, and about there being two elevators for the residenters and one
+more for the help, and about us having took over the Sublette family's
+outfit and all.
+
+"No use," he says, when I gets through, "that sounds just like most of
+the expensive ones." He starts walking off like he has done lost all
+interest in my case. Then he calls back to me over his shoulder:
+
+"I'll tell you what's the matter with you," he says; "you're lost."
+
+"Yas, suh," I says; "thanky, suh--tha's whut I been suspicionin' my own
+se'f," I says, "but I'm much oblige' you agrees wid me."
+
+Still, that ain't helping much, to find out this here police thinks the
+same way I does about it. Whilst I is lingering there wondering what I
+better do next, if anything, I sees a street-car go scooting by up at
+the next crossing, and I gets an idea. If street cars in New York is
+anything like they is at home, sooner or later they all turns into the
+main street and runs either past the City Hall or to the Union Depot. So
+I allows to myself that go on up yonder and climb aboard the next car
+which comes along and stay on her, no matter how far she goes, till she
+swings back off the branch onto the trunk-line, and watch out then, and
+when she goes past our corner drop off. Doing it that-a-way I figures
+that sooner or later I'm bound to fetch up back home again.
+
+Anyhow, the scheme is worth trying, 'specially as I can't seem to think
+of no better one. So I accordingly does so.
+
+But I ain't staying on that car so very long; not more than a mile at
+the most. The reason I gets off her so soon is this: All at once I
+observes that I is skirting through a district which is practically
+exclusively all colored. On every side I sees nothing but colored folks,
+both big and little. Seemingly, everything in sight is organized by and
+for my race--colored barber-shops, colored undertaking parlors, colored
+dentists' offices, colored doctors' offices. On one corner there is
+even a colored vaudeville theatre. And out in the middle of the streets
+stands a colored police. Excusing that the houses is different and the
+streets is wider, it's mighty near the same as being on Plunkett's Hill
+of a Saturday evening. I almost expects to see that there Aesop Loving
+loafing along all dressed up fit to kill; or maybe Red Hoss Shackleford
+setting in a door-way following after his regular business of resting,
+or old Pappy Exall, the pastor of Zion Chapel, rambling by, with that
+big stomach of his'n sticking out in front of him like two gallons of
+chitterlings wrapped up in a black gunny-sack. It certainly does fill me
+with the homesickness longings!
+
+And then a big black man on the pavement opens his mouth wide,
+nigger-like, and laughs at something till you can hear him half-a-mile,
+pretty near it; which it is the first sure-enough laugh I has heard
+since I hit New York. And right on top of that I catches the smell of
+fat meat frying somewheres.
+
+I just naturally can't stand it no longer. Anyhow, if I'm predestinated
+to be lost in New York City it's better I should be lost amongst my own
+kind, which talks my native language, rather than amongst plumb
+strangers. I give the conductor the high sign and I says to him, I says:
+
+"Cap'n, lemme off, befo' I jumps off!"
+
+So he rings the signalling bell and she stops and lets me off. And
+verily, before I has went hardly any distance at all, somebody hails me.
+I is wandering along, sort of miscellaneous, looking in the store
+windows and up at the tops of the buildings, when a brown-complected man
+steps up to me and sticks out his hand and he says:
+
+"Hello thar', Alfred Ricketts!--whut you doin' so fur 'way frum ole
+Lynchburg?"
+
+I says to him he must a-made a mistake. And he says:
+
+"Go on 'way, boy, an' quit yore foolin'! This is bound to be Alfred
+Ricketts 'at I uster know down in Lynchburg, Furginia. Leas'wise, ef
+'tain't him it's his duplicate twin brother."
+
+I tells him no, my name ain't Alfred Ricketts--it's Jeff Poindexter from
+Paducah, and I ain't never been in no place called Lynchburg in my whole
+life as I knows of.
+
+He looks at me a minute in a kind of an onbelieving way and then he says
+he begs my pardon, but his excuse is that I'm the exact spit-and-image
+of this here Alfred Ricketts, which he says he's done played with him
+many's the time, when they was both boys together. He says he ain't
+never in all his born days seen two fellows which they wasn't no kin to
+each other and yet looked so much similar as him and me does. He says
+the way we favors each other is absolutely unanimous. He asks me to tell
+him again what my name is and I does so, and then he says to me:
+
+"Whar'bouts you say you hails frum?"
+
+I says:
+
+"Paducah--tha's whar."
+
+He shakes his head kind of puzzled.
+
+"Paducah?" he says. "I ain't never heared tell of it. Whar is
+it--Tennessee or Arkansaw?"
+
+I pities his ignorance, but I tells him where Paducah is located at. It
+seems like the very sound of the name detains his curiosity. He just
+shoots the inquiring questions at me. He wants to know how big is
+Paducah and what is its main business, and what river is it on or close
+to, and what railroads run in there, and a lot more things. So, seeing
+he's a seeker after truth, I pumps him full. I tells him we not only is
+got one river at Paducah, we is got two; and I tells him about what
+railroads we've got running in; and about the big high water of 1913,
+and about the night-rider troubles some years before that. I tells him a
+heap else besides; mainly recent doings, such as Judge Priest having
+retired, and the Illinois Central having built up their shops to double
+size. Then he excuses himself some more and steps away pretty brisk, and
+goes into a colored billiard parlor, and I continues on my lonesome way.
+
+But inside of five minutes another fellow speaks to me, and by my own
+entitled name, too. Only, this one is a kind of a pale tallow-color with
+a lot of gold teeth showing and very sporty dressed. He comes busting up
+to me like he's overjoyed to see me, and says:
+
+"Hello, Jeff Poindexter--w'en did you git yere? You shore is a sight fur
+the sore eyes! How you leave ever'body down in ole Paduke? An' how does
+yore own copperosity seem to sagashuate?"
+
+All the time he's saying this he's clamping my hand very affectionate,
+like I was his long-lost brother or something. I tells him his manner is
+familiar, but that I can't place him. He acts surprised at
+that--surprised and sort of hurt-like. He asks me don't I remember
+George Harris from down home? I tells him the onlyest George Harris of
+color I remembers is an old man which he does janiting for the First
+National Bank. And he speaks up very prompt and says that's his uncle
+which he is named for him and used to live with him out by the Illinois
+Central shops. He says he really don't blame me so much for not placing
+him, because he left there it's going on eight or nine years ago just
+before the big high water; but he claims he used to meet me frequent,
+and says I ain't changed much from the time when I used to be working
+for Judge Priest. He says he's sure he'd a-recognized me if he'd a-met
+up with me in China, let alone it's New York. He says he's been living
+up North for quite a spell now, and is chief owner of a pants-pressing
+emporium down the street a piece, and has a fine trade and is doing
+well. And then, before I can get a stray word in edgeways, he goes on to
+speak of several important things which has happened down home of late.
+I breaks in and asks him how come he keeps such close track of events
+'way down there seeing he's been away so long; and he says he's just
+naturally so dog-gone fond of that town he subscribes regular for one of
+the local papers and reads it faithful and hence that's how come he
+keeps up so well with what's going on.
+
+"W'ich, speakin' of papers, 'minds me of somethin'," he says; "it 'minds
+me 'at on 'count of readin' the papers so stiddy I has a sweet streak
+of luck comin' to me this ver' day. I'd lak to tell you 'bout it,
+Poindexter?"
+
+"Perceed," I says, "perceed."
+
+"I'm goin' to," he says, "but s'posen' fust we gits in off this yere
+street an' sets down somewhars whar we kin be comfor'able an' not be
+interrupted. Trouble wid me is," he says, "I knows so dad-blame many
+people round yere, bein' prominent in business the way I is, 'at ef I
+stands still more'n a minute somebody is shore to be comin' up an'
+slappin' me on the back. Does you feel lak a light snack, Poindexter?"
+
+Well, it's getting to be close onto eleven o'clock now and I has not et
+nothing since breakfast except fifteen cents' worth of peanut candy, so
+I tells him I is agreeable. We goes into a restaurant run by, for and
+with colored, and we sets down by ourselves off at a little table and he
+insists that he's doing the paying-for on account of my being a boy from
+his old home-town, and he says for me to go the limit, ordering. So I
+calls for a bone sirloin and some fried potatoes and coffee and a mess
+of hot biscuits and a piece of mushmelon and one thing and another. It
+seems like, though, he ain't got much appetite himself. He takes just a
+cup of coffee, and whilst I is eating all of that provender of his
+generous providing, he tells me about this here streak of luck which has
+come his way.
+
+First off, he begins by asking me has I heard tell about the Colored
+Arabian Prince, which he is now staying in New York? I says no. He says
+then I will be hearing about him if I sojourns long, because the Colored
+Arabian Prince is the talk of one and all. He's stopping at the Palace
+Afro-American Hotel, and he's got more money than what he can spend, and
+he's going round the world studying how black folks lives in every
+clime, and he's got thousands and thousands of dollars worth of jewelry
+which he wears constant. But the piece of jewelry which he prizes as the
+most precious of all, he lost it only yesterday; which it is a solid
+gold pin shaped like a four-leaf clover with a genuine real Arabian ruby
+set in the middle of it. This here gold-tooth boy he tells me this
+while I is sauntering through the steak. And I can tell from the way he
+says it that he's leading up to something.
+
+"Yas-suh," he says, "yistiddy is w'en he lose it. An' this mornin' he's
+got a advertisement notice inserted in the cullid newspapers sayin' ez
+how he stan' ready an' willin' to pay fifty dollars fur its return to
+the hotel whar he is stoppin' at, an' no questions asted. An' yere 'bout
+half-an-hour befo' I runs into you, I'm walkin' 'long the street right
+up yere a lil' ways, an' I sees somethin' shiny layin' in the gutter an'
+I stoops down an' picks it up, an' ef it ain't the Cullid Arabian
+Prince's four-leaf clover pin, dog-gone me! An' yere it is, safe an'
+sound."
+
+And with that he reach in his pocket and pull it out and let me look at
+it a brief second. And I says to him that I don't begrudge him his good
+luck none, only I wishes it might a-been me which had found it, because
+fifty dollars would come in mighty handy. Then I says to him, I says:
+
+"I s'pose you is now on yore way to hand him back his belongin' an'
+claim the reward?"
+
+But he shakes his head kind of dubiousome.
+
+"I tell you how 'tis, Poindexter," he says. "To begin wid, an' speakin'
+in confidences ez one ole-time frien' to 'nother, I prob'ly is the
+onlyest pusson in this yere city of Noo Yawk w'ich the Cullid Arabian
+Prince might mek trouble fur me ef I wuz the one w'ich come bringin' him
+back his lost pin. Ever since he's been yere he's been sendin' his
+clothes over to my 'stablishment, w'ich it is right round the corner
+frum the Palace Afro-American Hotel, to be pressed. An' ef I should turn
+up now wid this yere pin he'd most likely ez not claim 'at I found it
+stuck in one of his coat lapels an' taken it out an' kep' it. An' the
+chances is he'd not only refuse fur to pay over the reward, but
+furthermo' might raise a rookus an' cast a shadder on my good name w'ich
+it su'ttinly would hurt my perfessional reppitation fur a Cullid Arabian
+Prince to be low-ratin' me at-a-way. He's lak so many wealthy pussons
+is--he's suspicious in his mind. So I don't keer to take no chances,
+much ez I craves to feel them fifty dollars warmin' in the pa'm of my
+hand. But ef a pusson w'ich wuz a puffec' stranger to him wuz to fetch
+the pin in an' say he wuz walkin' 'long an' seen it shinin' an' picked
+it up, he'd jes' hand the reward right over widout a mumblin' word."
+
+"Yas," I says, "tha's so, I reckin."
+
+"'Tain't no manner of doubt but whut hit's so," he says. "Poindexter,"
+he says, brisker-like, "I got an idee--it jest this yere secont come to
+me: Whut's the reason w'y you can't be the ordained stranger w'ich teks
+the pin back to him? You does so an' I'll low you ten dollars out of the
+fifty fur yore time an' trouble. Whut say?"
+
+I studies a minute and then I says I is sociable to the notion. He says
+he'll go along with me and point out to me the hotel where the Colored
+Arabian Prince is stopping at and then tarry outside until I gets back
+to him with the money. I says I'll go just as soon as I has et another
+piece of mushmelon, which the first piece certainly was very tasty. So
+he waits until I has done so and then he pays the check, which comes to
+one-eighty for me and ten cents for him, and we gets up to start forth.
+But just as we gets to the door, going out, he takes a look at a clock
+on the wall and he says:
+
+"I can't go 'long wid you--you'll have to go by yo'se'f."
+
+I says:
+
+"Whyfore you can't go?"
+
+He says:
+
+"I jes' this minute remembers 'at I got to ketch the 'leven-forty-two
+fur Hartford, Connecticut, whar I is gittin' ready to open up a branch
+'stablishment--tha's whyfore. I been enjoyin' talkin' wid somebody frum
+my own dear state so much 'at I lets the time slip by unbeknownst an'
+now I jes' about kin git abo'de the train at the up-town station ef I
+hurries." He scratches his head. "Lemme see," he says, "whut-all is we
+goin' do 'bout 'at now?" Then it seems like he scratches an idea loose.
+"I got it," he says. "Mainly on 'count of my bein' in sech a rush, an'
+you bein' frum my home-town, I'm goin' mek you a heap sweeter
+proposition 'en de one w'ich I already has made. I'm goin' halfen this
+yere reward wid you; 'at's whut I'm goin' do. Yere's the plan: You jes'
+hands me over twenty-five dollars now fur my sheer an' 'en you keeps the
+ontire fifty w'ich he'll pay you. See? I knows I is a fool to be doin'
+it, but gittin' to Hartford on time today 'll mean a heap mo' to me in
+the long run 'en whut de diff'unce in the money would. How 'bout it, ole
+boy?"
+
+I says to him that it listens all right to me, and I'd give him the
+twenty-five in a minute, only I ain't got it with me. When I says that
+his face falls so far his under-jaw mighty near grazes the ground, and
+then he says:
+
+"Well, how much is you got? Is you got twenty--or even fifteen?"
+
+I says I ain't got nothing on me in the way of ready cash, only carfare.
+But I says I is got something on me that's worth a heap more than
+twenty-five dollars.
+
+And he says:
+
+"Whut is it?"
+
+I says:
+
+"It's this yere solid gold watch," I says. And I hauls it out and waves
+it before his eyes. "It's wuth fully forty dollars," I says, "but I
+ain't needin' it on 'count of havin' a still mo' handsomer one in my
+trunk, w'ich it wuz give to me by a committee of the w'ite folks two
+yeahs ago fur savin' a lil' w'ite boy from drowndin' off the upper
+wharf-boat. You tek the watch an' give me, say ten dollars boot," I
+says, "an' I'll collect the reward an' thar'by both of us 'll be mekin'
+money," I says; "'cause you kin sell the watch anywhars fur not lessen
+forty dollars. I done been offered 'at fur it befo' now."
+
+He studies a minute and then he says that whilst he ain't doubting my
+word about the watch being worth that much money, still, business is
+business, and before he consents we'll have to take it to a
+jewelry-store half-a-square down the street and have it valued.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Tha's suitable to me, but," I says, "I thought you wuz in a sweat to
+ketch a train?"
+
+"I'll tek the time," he says. "I kin hurry an' mek it. Come to think of
+it," he says, "'at train don't leave the up-town station 'twell
+'leven-fifty-fo'. 'Leven-forty-two is w'en she leaves frum down-town."
+
+"I'm glad to hear it," I says, "'cause w'en the jewelry-store man has
+got th'ough 'zaminin' my watch we kin ast him to look at the pin, too,
+an' tell us ef it's the genuwine article. It mout possibly be," I says,
+"'at they wuz two of these yere clover-leaf pins floatin' round loose
+an' one of 'em a imitation. By havin' it 'zamined 'long wid my watch, we
+both plays safe."
+
+He stops right dead in his tracks.
+
+"Look yere, Poindexter," he says, "whut's the use of all 'is yere
+projectin' round an' wastin' of time? You trusts me," he says, "an' I
+trusts you--tha's fair. Yere, boy, you teks the pin an' collects the
+reward. I teks the watch an' sells it fur whut I kin git fur it. Le's
+close the deal 'cause I p'intedly is got to hurry frum yere."
+
+"Hole on!" I says. "How 'bout my ten dollars boot?"
+
+"I'll mek it five," he says.
+
+"Gimme the five," I says.
+
+So he counts out five ones and yells something to me about the Palace
+Afro-American Hotel being straight down the street about half-a-mile, on
+the left-hand side, and in another second he's gone from view round the
+nearest corner.
+
+But I does not go to look for no Afro-American Hotel, nor yet for no
+Colored Arabian Prince, neither. Something seems to warn me 'twould only
+be a waste of time, so instead of which, as I steps along, I figures out
+where I stands in the swap. And it comes to this: I is in to the extent
+of five dollars in cash, also one dollar and eighty cents' worth of
+nourishing vittles, and a clover-leaf pin, which it must be worth all of
+seventy-five cents unless the price of brass has took a big fall.
+
+I is out to the extent of telling one lie about saving a little boy from
+drowning and also one old imitation-gold watchcase without any
+mechanical works in it. Likewise and furthermore, I can imagine the look
+on that gold-tooth nigger's face when he gets time to take a good look
+at what he's traded for, and that alone I values at fully two dollars
+more in private satisfaction to J. Poindexter. So, taking one thing and
+another, getting lost has been worth pretty close on to ten dollars,
+besides which it has taught me the lesson that when a trusting stranger
+goes forth in the Great City he's liable to fall amongst thieves, but if
+only he stays honest himself and keeps his eye skinned, he cannot
+possibly suffer no harm at the hands of the wicked deceiver.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+_Local Colored_
+
+
+It seems like having dealings with designing persons of my own color
+must've made my mind act more keen. All at once I remembers that I seen
+the name of our apartment-house carved on a big square tombstone over
+the front door, and it comes to me that the same's name has got
+something to do with grist-mills and something to do with lawsuits. I
+studies and studies and then, like a flash, I gets it:
+
+Wheatley Court.
+
+With this much to work on, the rest is plenty easy. A man in a drugstore
+consults in a telephone book and gives me the full specifications for
+getting back to where I has strayed from, which it turns out it is fully
+three miles away from there in a southeast direction. But I buys an
+ice-cream soda and a pack of chewing-gum before I asks the drugstore
+man for his friendly aid. Already I has took note of the fact that most
+of the folks in New York acts like they hates to answer your questions
+without you has done 'em some kind of a favor first. So I places this
+man under obligations to me by trading with him and then he's willing to
+help me. That is, he's willing, but he ain't right crazy with joy over
+the idea of it. If I'd a-bought two ice-cream sodas I think probably
+he's a-moved more brisk-like. Still, he does it. So, inside of an hour
+more, what with riding part of the ways on street-cars and walking the
+rest, I is home again and glad to be there.
+
+Even so, my being gone so long ain't put nobody out, because Mr. Dallas
+is yet in bed, but is now thinking seriously about getting up. He
+complains of feeling slightly better than what he did awhile back.
+Still, he ain't got so very much appetite. Orange juice and black coffee
+seems ample to satisfy his desires; he also continues to remain very
+partial to the ice-water. He says he must hurry up and dress and get
+outdoors because he's got an engagement to go with one of the ladies
+which he met the night before and look at a little car which she's
+thinking about buying it, but wants to get his expert opinion on it
+first. He don't specify her name, but I guesses it's the puny one of the
+two--this here Miss Bill-Lee DeWitt.
+
+Whilst I is laying out his clothes for him to put on he calls out to me
+from the bathroom that I will doubtless be interested to know that we'll
+be staying on in New York permanent. I asks him how come, and he says
+he's passed his word to go in partners with this here Mr. H. C. Raynor
+selling oil-properties.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, but it sho' does look lak to me we is movin'
+powerful fast. Only yistiddy we gits yere, an' today we is fixin' to
+bust into bus'ness. Tha's travelin'!"
+
+He says you have to move fast in New York if you don't want to get run
+over and trompled on and I says that certainly is the Gospel truth. And
+he says when you meets up with an attractive proposition up here in
+this country you is just naturally obliged to grab holt of it quick or
+else somebody else 'll be beating you to it. I feels myself bound to
+agree with that, too; and then he goes on shaving himself and abusing of
+his skin for being so tender.
+
+I ponders a spell and then I asks him, sort of casual and
+accidental-like, when was it that Mr. Raynor displayed this here
+desirable business notion to him and he give his promise for to enter
+into it?
+
+"Oh," he says, "it was late last night--after we started back from the
+road-house. He's going to let me have a full half interest," he says.
+
+I don't say nothing out loud to that. But I casts my rolling eyes up to
+the ceiling and I says in low tones to myself, I says: "_Uh_ huh, uh
+_huh_!" just like that.
+
+That's all I says. And I makes sure he ain't overhearing me, but all the
+time I'm doing considerable thinking. I'm thinking that, excusing one of
+'em is white folks and the other is mulatto-complected and excusing that
+one has got decorated teeth and the other one just plain teeth, there's
+something mighty similar someway betwixt this here Mr. Raynor and that
+there colored imposer, which he called himself George Harris. I can't
+make up my mind whether it's their expressions or the way they looks at
+you out of their eyes, or the engaging way they both has of being so
+generous-like on short notice. But it pointedly must be something or
+other, because when I broods about one I can't keep from brooding about
+the other.
+
+But, naturally, I keeps all that to myself. After Mr. Dallas has done
+gone out I fixes myself up something solid to eat and then, along about
+three o'clock I drifts downstairs and engages in friendly conversation
+with two of them West Indian boys. Before very long the subject of the
+educated bones gets introduced into the talk someway, and it so happens
+I has a set in my pocket and I gets 'em out and sort of cuddles 'em in
+my hand and rattles 'em gentle; and one of the two boys feels persuaded
+to suggest that, seeing as the work ain't pressing, us three might
+ramble on back into a little kind of a store-room back of the main hall
+downstairs and make a few passes just to keep the time from hanging
+heavy on our hands.
+
+Now, privately I has always contended that craps-dice is meant for home
+folks only. These here foreigners should not never toy with 'em if they
+expects to get ahead in the world. So the entertainment turns out just
+like I expected 'twould. When fifteen minutes, or maybe twenty, has gone
+by very pleasantly there is not no reason why I should linger with 'em,
+and I piroots back on upstairs taking along with me twenty-two dollars
+and fifty cents of strange money to get acquainted with the spare change
+in my pants pocket and leaving them two West Indian delegates holding a
+grand lodge of sorrow betwixt themselves.
+
+So that is all of undue importance which happens on our second day.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+_Gold Coast_
+
+
+Time certainly does flitter by here in little old New York, as I has now
+taken to calling it. Here it has been nearly six weeks since last I done
+any authorizing, and a whole heap of things has come to pass since then;
+yet, when I looks back at it, it seems like 'twas only yesterday when
+last I held my pen in hand.
+
+Also in that time I has learned much. When I reflects back on how
+sorghum-green I was when we landed here off the steam-cars, I actually
+feels right sorry for myself--not knowing what a road-house was, and
+figuring that when somebody mentioned sub-let apartments they was
+describing the name of a family, and getting lost in Harlem the first
+time I went forth rambling, and all them other fool things which I done
+and said at the outsetting of our experiences! No longer ago than last
+evening I was saying to some of the fellow-members up at the Pastime
+Colored Pleasure and Recreation Club, on One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth
+street, that it's a born wonder they didn't throw a loop over me and
+cart me off to the idiotic asylum for safety keeping till the newness
+had done wore off.
+
+I must also say for Mr. Dallas that he's progressed very rapid, too. And
+likewise the new business must be paying him powerful well right from
+the go-off, because we certainly is rolled up in the lap-robes of luxury
+and living off the top skimmings of the cream.
+
+Before we has been here a week I notices there's a change taking place
+in Mr. Dallas. He's beginning to get dissatisfied with things as they is
+and craving after things as they ain't. Near as I can figure it out,
+he's caught a kind of restlessness disease which it appears to afflict
+everybody up in these parts, one way or another. It seems like to me,
+though, he must a-taken it early and in a violent form.
+
+The first symptoms is when he fetches in one of these here little
+slick-headed Japanee boys to do the cooking and et cetera, so's I can
+wait on him more exclusively. Anyway, that's the reason which he assigns
+to me, but all the same I retains my own personal views on the matter.
+We don't need no extra hands to help run our establishment no more'n we
+needs water in our shoes, and my onspoken opinion is that Mr. Dallas
+thinks maybe the place look more high-tonish by having an imported
+strange foreigner fussing round. Privately, I don't lose no time
+designating to this here Koga, which is the slick-headed boy's name,
+where he gets off so far as I is concerned. No sooner does he arrive in
+amongst our midst than I tolls him back into the far end of the butler's
+pantry and I says to him, I says:
+
+"Yaller kid, lis'sen: I ain't 'sponsible fur yore comin' yere, but jest
+so shorely ez you starts messin' in my bus'ness I'm goin' be 'sponsible
+fur yore everlastin' departure. You 'tends to yore wu'k an' I 'tends to
+mine an' tharby we gits along harmonious. But one sign of meddlin' frum
+you an' I'll jest reach back yere to my flank pocket whar I totes me a
+hosstile razor an' 'en you better pick out w'ich one of these yere
+winders you perfurs to jump out of."
+
+He just sort of grins at that and sucks some loose air in betwixt his
+front teeth.
+
+"Tha's right," I says, "save up yore breathin', 'cause ef I teks after
+you you'll shore require to have plenty of it on hand fur pu'pposes of
+fast travelin'. Chile," I says, "you's had yore warnin'--so harken an'
+give heed or else you'll find yo'se'f carved up so fine they'll have to
+fune'lize you on the 'stallment plan. Mr. Dallas he may be the big
+boss," I says, "but you lakwise better pay a heap of 'tention to the
+fust assistant deputy sub-boss w'ich I'm," I says, "him."
+
+Saying thus I gives him a savigrous look backward over my shoulder and
+walks away stepping kind of light on my feet like a cat fixing for to
+pounce. He ain't saying a word; he's just standing there reserving some
+more breath.
+
+Of course I ain't really aiming to start no race war. Always it has been
+my constant aim to keep out of rough jams with one and all but, even
+so, I figures that it's just as well to get the jump on that there
+Japanee human-siphon and render him tame and docile from the beginning.
+
+Next thing is that Mr. Dallas begins faulting the clothes he brought
+along with him from home. He says to me they appeared all right when he
+was having 'em made to order for him by M. Marcus & Son, corner of Third
+and Kentucky Avenue, which that is our leading merchant-tailor, but he
+can see now that they ain't got the real New York snap to 'em. And the
+ensuing word is that one of them swell Fifth Avenue shops is making him
+a full new outfit. Well, I must admit that suits me from the ground up;
+it's a sign to me I'm about to inherit.
+
+And the next thing is that he invests in several cases of fancy
+drinkings which a bootlegging white man fetches it up to us under cover
+of the darkness. I sees Mr. Dallas counting out the money for to pay
+him, and it certainly amounts to an important sum. I ain't questioning
+the wisdom of this step neither, seeking that the stock we fetched
+along with us from the South is vanishing very brisk, and the new supply
+ought to last me and him for no telling how long, if we both is careful.
+
+The trouble with Mr. Dallas, though, is he ain't careful. Scarcely a day
+passes without some of his new-made Northern friends dropping in on him
+and sopping up highballs and cocktails and this and that. That there Mr.
+Bellows is one of our most earnest customers. He'll set down empty
+alongside a full bottle and stay right there till the emptiness and the
+fullness has done changed places. Also, when it comes to liberal
+consuming of somebody else's liquor, Mr. H. C. Raynor has his ondoubted
+merits. And when Mr. Dallas gives a party, which he does frequent and
+often, the wines and such just flows like manna from the rod of Jonah.
+Still, that ain't pestering me much. When white folks lives high in the
+front parlor niggers gets fat back in the kitchen.
+
+Then on top of all this he buys himself an automobile and hires a white
+chauffeur for to run her. She's one of these here low-cut,
+high-powerful cars which when you wants to go somewheres in a hurry you
+just steps on her and--_b-z-z-z_--you is done arrived! But she's plenty
+costive to run. Every time she takes a deep breath there's another
+half-gallon of gasoline gone. If the truth must be known, Mr. Dallas has
+not only bought one car; he's bought two. But we don't see the second
+one, which is a dark blue runabout, only when Miss Bill-Lee comes round,
+because it seems Mr. Dallas has loaned it out to her for her own use,
+him paying the garage bills. Betwixt themselves they speaks of it as a
+loan, but I thinks to myself that this probably is predestinated to be
+one of the most permanent loans in the history of the entire loaning
+business.
+
+So it goes. Every day, pretty near it, delivery boys comes knocking at
+the service door bringing this and that for Mr. Dallas. If it ain't half
+a dozen fresh pairs of shoes it's a sack-full of these here golf
+utensils or some new silk pyjamas; and if it ain't another motoring coat
+or an elaborous smoking jacket, it's a set of silver-topped brushes and
+combs and bottles and things for his toilet table, with his initials cut
+on 'em. It seems like he must stop in somewheres every morning on his
+way down-town to business and buy himself something. So I judges the
+money must be coming in mighty brisk at the bung-hole, because it
+certainly is pouring out mighty steady from the spigots.
+
+It also must be a powerful handy and convenient business to be in, for
+not only does it appear to pay so well, but it practically almost runs
+itself. Often Mr. Dallas ain't starting down-town till the morning is
+'most gone, and sometimes he gets back home as early as four o'clock in
+the evening. Come Saturday, he don't go near the headquarters at all.
+That astonishes me deeply, because down home on a Saturday the stores
+all stays open till late at night on account of the country people
+coming into town and the hands at the tobacco warehouses and the
+factories and all being paid off, and the niggers being out doing their
+trading. Especially the niggers. You take the average one of 'em, and
+if he can't spend all he's got on Saturday night, it practically spoils
+his Sunday for him. He ain't aiming to waste none of his money, saving
+it. So, with us, Saturday is the busiest day in the week. But seemingly
+not so in this locality.
+
+In fact, so far as I observes to date, the folks up here has got a
+special separate system of their own for doing pretty near everything.
+More times than one enduring this past month I has said to myself that
+there certainly is a big difference betwixt Paducah and New York City.
+You don't notice it so much in Paducah, but, lawsy, how it does prone
+into you when you gets to New York!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+_Country Side_
+
+
+For instances, now, take this here Saturday last past. Down home Mr.
+Dallas would a-been down to that there oil-office of his bright and
+early shaking hands with the paying customers and helping boss the
+clerks whilst they drawed off the oil, and all. But nothing like that
+don't happen here with us--no sir, not none whatsomever. He lays in bed
+until it's going on pretty near ten o'clock and then he gets up and I
+packs him, and along about dinner-time, which they calls it lunch-time
+round this town, we puts out in the car to the country for a week-end.
+Only, for the amount of baggage we totes with us you'd a-thought it was
+going to be a month-end. I'm tooken along to look after his clothes and
+to do general valetting for him.
+
+We takes Mr. Raynor and Mr. Bellows and the permanent-wavy lady, Mrs.
+Gaylord, along with us. Miss DeWitt and Miss O'Brien is also headed for
+the same place we is, but they comes in the blue runabout traveling
+close behind us. By now, I has done learned not to expect Mrs. Gaylord
+to bring a husband with her. It seems like she can get 'em, but she
+can't keep 'em. She's been married three times in all; but from what I
+can hear, her first husband hauled off and died on her and the second
+one kind of strayed off and never come back. I ain't heard 'em say what
+happened to the present incumbent but since he ain't never been
+produced, I judge he must've got mislaid someway, so now she's
+practically all out of husbands again. Still, she seems to be bearing up
+very serene at all times. If she misses 'em she don't let on.
+
+Well, we loads up the car with the white folks, and with valises and
+golf-sacks and one thing and another and starts for the country. But I
+must say for it that it's totally unsimilar to any country like what I
+has been used to heretofore. The front yards which we passes all looks
+like the owners must take 'em in at nights and in the mornings brush
+'em off good and put 'em back outdoors again; and most of the residences
+is a suitable size to make good high-school buildings or else
+feeble-mind institutes, and even the woodlots has a slicked-up
+appearance like as if they'd just come back that same day from the
+dry-cleaner's. In more'n an hour's steady travel I don't see a single
+rail fence nor a regulation weed-patch nor a lye kettle nor an
+ash-hopper nor a corn-crib nor a martin-box nor a hound-dog nor a
+smoke-house nor scarcely anything which would signify it to be
+sure-enough country. I thinks to myself that if a cotton-tail rabbit was
+aiming to camp out here he'd naturally be obliged to pack his bedding
+along with him.
+
+When we arrives where we is headed for I is still further surprised
+because, beforehand, Mr. Dallas tells me we is going to stop at a
+country-place, but it looks to me more like a city-hall which has done
+strayed far off from its functions and took root in a big clump of trees
+alongside the river. Why, it's got more rooms in it than our new county
+infirmary's got and grounds around it all beautiful like a cemetery. It
+belongs to a very spry-acting lady named Mrs. Banister, which she is a
+friend of Mrs. Gaylord's. There's a Mr. Banister, too, but as far as I
+can judge, the lady is the sole proprietor and his job is just being
+Mrs. Banister's Mr. and helping with the drinks when the butler is busy
+doing something else. I hears the cook saying out in the kitchen that he
+can also mix a very tasty salad-dressing. Well, that's what he looks
+like to me, just a natural-born salad-dressing mixer.
+
+But we don't arrive there until it's getting towards four o'clock by
+reason of us stopping for quite a sojourn at a tea-house along the road.
+Leastwise, they calls it a tea-house, but its principalest functions, so
+far as I can note, is to provide accommodations for folks to dance and
+to drink up the refreshments which they've fetched along with 'em in
+pocket flasks; and you might call that tea if you prefers to, but it's
+the kind of tea which now sells by the case for cash down and is
+delivered at your house after dark.
+
+That's mainly what our outfit does there--dance and refresh themselves
+with what the gentlemen brought along on their hips. From where I'm
+setting in the car outside I can see 'em weaving in and out amongst the
+tables whilst a string-band plays jazzing tunes for 'em to dance by. But
+Mr. Dallas don't appear to be getting the hang of it so very well and
+the chauffeur, who's setting there with me, he allows probably the boss
+ain't caught on to these here new dances yet.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Huh! Does you call 'at a new dance?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Sure--the newest one of 'em all. That's the Reitzenburger Grapple--it's
+just hit town."
+
+And I says:
+
+"Then it shore must a-been a long time on the road, gittin' yere; 'cause
+niggers down my way," I says, "wuz dancin' 'at air dance fully ten yeahs
+ago--only they done so behind closed doors," I says, "bein' 'feared the
+police mout claim disawd'ly conduct an' stop 'em frum it."
+
+He says:
+
+"Did you ever dance it?"
+
+I says to him:
+
+"Who, me? Many's a time. But not lately," I says.
+
+"What made you stop?" he says.
+
+"I got religion," I says.
+
+There was also considerable careless dancing done at the Banister place
+that night and early the following morning. In fact, there was
+considerable of a good many things done there that Saturday and
+Sunday--tennis and golf and horseback-riding and billiards and pool and
+going in swimming in a private lake on the premises and playing a card
+game which they calls it auction-bridge, and eating and drinking and
+smoking. Everybody is so busy all day changing clothes for the next
+event they ain't got very much time for the thing that's on at the time
+being. But when the night-time comes the ladies strips down to
+full-dress and all hands just settles in for the three favorite sports,
+which is dancing and cards and drinks, both long and short. I has seen
+thirsty gentlemen before in my day but to the best of my recollection I
+ain't never encountered no ladies that seemed so parched-like as one or
+two of these here ladies was. I'm thinking in particular of Mrs.
+Gaylord. She certainly is suffering from a severe attack of the genuine
+parchments. But I'll say this much for her--she's doing her level best
+to get shut of it by taking the ordained treatment. That Saturday
+evening whilst I is upstairs in Mr. Dallas' room laying out his
+dress-clothes, the guests, about a dozen of 'em is out in the front yard
+setting round little tables where I can see 'em from the window, and
+every time I passes the window and looks out it seems like she's being
+served with a little bit more. She carries it just beautiful, though;
+she certainly has my deep personal admirations for her capacity. But
+next day when she comes down stairs she acts dauncy and low-spirited for
+awhile. She's got on a fresh complexion, to be sure, but even so she
+looks sort of weather-beaten 'round the eyes. You take 'em when they is
+either prematurely old or else permanently young and the morning is
+always the most tellingest time on 'em. Well, several of those present
+ain't feeling the best in the world, seemingly, that Sunday when they
+strolls forth for late breakfast 'long about half past eleven. It was
+after three o'clock before they dispersed and some of 'em ain't entirely
+got over it yet--they is still kind of dispersed-looking, if you gets my
+meaning.
+
+Well, all day Sunday is just like Saturday evening was, only if
+anything, more so; and late Sunday night the party busts up and scatters
+and we starts back to town. Mr. Dallas he elects for to ride back in the
+runabout with Miss Bill-Lee so that throws Miss O'Brien, the one which
+they calls Pat for short, into the big car with the rest of our crowd.
+Starting off she quarrels right peart with Mrs. Gaylord. I gathers that
+they was partners at the bridging game part of the time and they can't
+get reconciled with one another over the way each one of 'em handled her
+cards. The more they scandalizes about it the more onreconciled they
+gets, too. It seems like each one thinks the other don't scarcely know
+how to deal, let alone play the hands after she gets 'em. Setting there
+listening to 'em carrying on I thinks to myself these here Northern
+white folks must hate to lose even a little bit of money. I knows these
+two ladies couldn't a-lost much neither--I heard Mr. Raynor saying
+beforehand they was going to play five cents a point. But to overhear
+'em debating now, you'd a-thought it had been a real stiff game, like
+dollar-limit poker, say, or set-back at six bits a corner.
+
+After awhile Miss Pat she quits argufying and drops off to sleep and Mr.
+Bellows he likewise drifts off into a doze and that leaves Mrs. Gaylord
+and Mr. Raynor talking together in the back seat kind of confidential.
+But the hood of the car being over 'em it seems like it throws their
+voices forward, and setting up with the chauffeur I can't keep from
+eavesdropping on part of what they is confabbing about.
+
+Presently I hears Mr. Raynor saying:
+
+"Well, you never can guess in advance what a sap will like, can you? You
+would have thought he'd fall for a kiddo with a good, strong up-to-date
+tomboy line, like little Patsy here. But no--not at all! He takes one
+look into those languishing eyes of our other friend and goes down and
+out for the count. Funny--eh, what? Well, it only goes to show that
+while the vamp stuff is getting a trifle old-fashioned it still pays
+dividends--if only you pick the right customer."
+
+Then I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying:
+
+"Her system may be a bit _passé_ but you can't say she doesn't work fast
+once she gets under way. Clever, I call it."
+
+"Clever?" he says, "you bet! She works fast and she works clean, tidying
+up as she goes along and burying her own dead. I always did say for her
+that when it came to being a gold-digger she had the original
+Forty-niners looking like inmates of the Bide-a-Wee Home. Fast? I'll say
+so!"
+
+"She has need to be fast, working opposition to you, Herby, dear," says
+Mrs. Gaylord. "Speaking of expert blood-suckers, I shouldn't exactly
+call you a vegetarian."
+
+"Hush, honey," he says, "let's not talk shop out of business hours. And
+anyhow," he says, "I don't mind a little healthy competition on the
+side. It stimulates trade under the main tent--if it's done in
+moderation."
+
+"You should know, Herby," she says sort of laughing; "with your
+experience you should know if anybody does."
+
+Then he laughs, too, a kind of a low and meaning chuckle, and they goes
+to talking about something else.
+
+But I has done heard enough to set me to studying mighty earnest.
+Neither one of 'em ain't specifying who they means by "he" and "she" but
+I can guess. Once more I says to myself, I says:
+
+"_Uh huh, uh huh!_"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+_Dark Secrets_
+
+
+Some of the folks which has been following our experiences, as I has
+wrote them down, might think it was my bounden duty to go straight-away
+to Mr. Dallas and promulgate to him these here remarks which I hears
+pass betwixt Mr. H. C. Raynor and the permanent-wavy lady on that Sunday
+night six weeks ago, coming back from our week-end in the country. But I
+does not by no means see my way clear to doing so. In the first place, I
+ain't never been what you might call a professional promulgator. In the
+second place, I figures the time ain't ripe to start in telling what I
+believes and what I suspicions. In the third place, I don't know yet if
+it ever will be ripe.
+
+Some white folks, seems like, is just naturally beset with a craving to
+bust into colored folkses' business and try for to run their personal
+affairs for 'em. Mr. Dallas, he is not gaited that way in no particular
+whatsoever; him having been born and raised South and naturally knowing
+better anyhow; but some I might mention is. Still, and even so, most
+white folks don't care deeply for anybody at all, much less it's
+somebody which is colored, to be telling 'em onpleasant and onwelcome
+tidings. And he is white and I is black--and there you is!
+
+Another way I looks at it is this way: There's a whole heap of white
+folks, mainly Northerners, which thinks that because us black folks
+talks loud and laughs a-plenty in public that we ain't got no secret
+feelings of our own; they thinks we is ready and willing at all times to
+just blab all we knows into the first white ear that passes by. Which I
+reckon that is one of the most monstrous mistakes in natural history
+that ever was. You take a black boy which he working for a white family.
+Being on close relations that-a-way with 'em he's bound to know
+everything they does--what they is thinking about, what-all they hopes
+and what-all they fears. But does they, for their part, know anything
+about how he acts amongst his own race? I'll say contrary! They maybe
+might think they knows but you take it from J. Poindexter they
+positively does not do nothing of the kind. All what they gleans about
+him--his real inside emotions, I means--is exactly what he's willing for
+'em to glean; that and no more. And usually that ain't so much.
+
+Yes sir, the run of colored folks is much more secretious than what the
+run of the white folks give 'em credit for. I reckon they has been made
+so. In times past they has met up with so many white folks which taken
+the view that everything black men and black women done in their lodges
+or their churches or amongst their own color was something to joke about
+and poke fun at. Now, you take me. I is perfectly willing to laugh with
+the white folks and I can laugh to order for 'em, if the occasion
+appears suitable, but I is not filled up with no deep yearnings to have
+'em laughing at me and my private doings. 'Specially if it's strange
+white folks.
+
+Furthermore there's this about it: I've taken due notice that, whites
+and blacks alike, pretty near anybody will resent your coming to 'em on
+your own say-so and telling 'em right out of a clear sky that they is
+making a grievous big mistake in doing this or that. If they themselves
+takes the lead--if they seeks you out of their own accord and says to
+you, confidential-like, they is in a peck of trouble and craves to know
+how they is going to get out from under the load--why, that's different.
+Then you can step in, in friendship's name, and do your best to help 'em
+unravel the tangle which they has got themselves snarled up in it. If
+you asks me, I would say that advice gets a heap warmer welcome where
+you goes hunting for it than where it comes hunting for you. And,
+likewise, sympathy is something which you appreciates all the more if
+you went out shopping for it yourself. You don't want it to come
+knocking at the door like one of these here old peddlers taking orders
+for enlarging crayon portraits and forcing its way right into your
+fireside circle whether or no, and camping there in your lap.
+
+Moreover, speaking in particular of our own case, what right has I got
+to be intimating to Mr. Dallas my private beliefs about the private
+characters of this here brisk crowd which he has gone and got so thick
+with since we arrived here on the scene? Right from the first I has had
+my own personal convictions about the set he's in with. I has made up my
+mind that they ain't the genuine real quality; that they is just a
+slicked-up, highly-polished imitation of the real quality; that they
+ain't doing things so much as they is overdoing 'em. The way I looks at
+it, they bears the same relation to regulation high-toney folks which a
+tin minnow does to sure-enough live bait. You maybe might fool a fish
+with it but you couldn't fool the world at large for so very long. And
+as for me, I ain't been fooled at all, not at no time. But I naturally
+can't go stating my presenterments to Mr. Dallas without he the same as
+practically invites me first for to do so. Now, can I? But if he finds
+it out for himself and approaches me, that's a roan horse of another
+color.
+
+So the above reasons is why I is at present keeping my mouth shut in
+front of him about what concerns him solely. Besides, so many things
+continues to happen from day to day here in New York it keeps me right
+busy just staying up with the procession and not overlooking the stray
+bets. For instances, now, there's my moving-picture scheme which I
+thinks up out of my own head and which promises to turn out mighty
+profitable if everything goes well.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+_Movie-Land_
+
+
+Having so much else to keep track of I has plumb forgot up till now to
+set forth how comes it we gets ourselves interested in the movies. You
+see, both Miss Pat and Miss Bill-Lee is in that line, although not
+working at it very steady. In fact, practically all our crowd lets on to
+be doing something or other for to earn a living when they can't think
+of nothing else to do. It seems like Mr. Bellows sets himself up to be
+one of these here interior decorators, which I don't know exactly what
+that is, though I has my notions for I has seen him decorating.
+
+Let somebody else provide the materials and he's right there with the
+interior. Mrs. Gaylord she's an alimony-collector by profession and
+doing right well at her trade, too, from all I can gather. And Mr.
+Raynor he calls himself a broker. I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once,
+sort of joking, that being a broker is the present tense of being broke,
+which I reckon that is not only grammar but facts, except when somebody
+like Mr. Dallas comes along with ready cash on hand. But the two young
+ladies has both been in theatricals for going on several years now,
+first on the old-fashioned talking stage and more lately with the films;
+so naturally there's a right smart talk about films and screens and all,
+going on from time to time.
+
+It seems like all hands amongst 'em agrees there's a heap of money in
+the film business if only the right folks was to take hold of it and get
+it away from the parties which is now trying to run it. It also seems
+that if only Miss Bill-Lee could get the proper sort of a chance, which
+she can't on account of jealousy and one thing and another, she'd be a
+brightly shining star in no time. All she needs is for somebody to put
+her out in a piece which'll suit her and then she'll be a sensational
+success and all concerned will make more money than they'll know what to
+do with. I hears her saying so more than once to Mr. Dallas, all the
+time looking at him with them yearning big black eyes of hers. It seems
+like that is the one thing which she requires for to make her perfectly
+happy. And seeing as how that appears to be Mr. Dallas' chief aim in
+life these times--making Miss Bill-Lee more happy--I says to myself that
+first thing we know we'll be investing in a new line on the side. Mr.
+Raynor, though, he ain't so favorable to the notion. I can tell that he
+don't want Mr. Dallas to be spreading his play 'round so promiscuous. It
+ain't so much what he says; it's by the way he looks when the subject
+comes up that I can figure out what his private emotions is.
+
+Anyhow, the upshot is that Mr. Dallas takes to spending considerable of
+his spare time at a studio up-town where the two young ladies works,
+getting pointers and so on. One evening--I should say, one afternoon--he
+telephones down to the apartment for me to bring one of his heavy
+overcoats up there to him because, what with late fall-time being here
+now, the weather has turned off sort of cold; and that's how befalls
+that I gets my look at the insides of one of these here studio places,
+which I must say, alongside of the one I seen, a crazy-house is plumb
+rational and abounding in restfulness.
+
+From the outsides it looks to be like something suitable for a tobacco
+stemmery or maybe a skating-rink, but once I gets past the watchman on
+the outer door--_Who-ee!_ That's all--_Who-ee!_ I stops close by the
+door and for a spell I watches what's going on and I thinks to myself
+that whilst there may be a-plenty of money in the moving-picture
+business, and doubtless is, the bulk of it is liable to stay in it
+permanent. Never before in my whole life has I seen so many folks
+letting on like they was fixing for to transact something important and
+then not doing it. If they was all on piece-work they couldn't earn
+enough to pay for half-soling the shoes which they wears out running
+about getting in one another's way. But as I understands it, they mainly
+is hired by the day and not by the job, and my heart certainly goes out
+in sympathetical feelings for the man, whoever he may be, that's
+footing the bills at the end of the week. If I was him I'd charge
+general admittance for the public to come in and witness these here
+carryings-on, and thereby get some part of my wastage back.
+
+Almost the first thing which distracts my attention is a
+pestered-looking man with a pair of these here high leather leggings on,
+like he was fixing to go horse-back riding but in his frenzy has mislaid
+the horse; which he is full of authority and dashing to and fro with a
+big megaphone in one hand and in the other a bunch of wadded-up paper
+with writing on it. He appears to be in sole charge; and if hollowing
+loud was worth fifty cents a hollow he'd be a millionaire inside of a
+month if his voice didn't give out on him. I finds out a little later
+that he's what they calls the director. Well, he certainly does
+directicate.
+
+One minute he's yelling at a couple of the hands up in the loft
+overhead, which their job is to handle some of the lights and then he's
+yelling at the little fellow which is running the picture-taking
+machinery, and then he's yelling at a bunch of men which has charge of
+the scenery, only this crowd don't pay no attention to him but just goes
+on doing their work very languid-like; so I judges they must belong
+to a union and therefore can afford to be independent. But most in
+general he devotes his yelling to a whole multitude of folks all dressed
+up in acting clothes with their faces painted the curiousest ever I
+seen. And, at that, I seen a sight of face-painting since I come to New
+York! Under them funny lights their skins is an awful corpsy
+greenish-yellowish-whitish and their lips is purple, like as if they has
+been drownded nine days and has just now come to the top.
+
+He herds all these people together and gets 'em set to act a piece. And
+then something goes wrong. Either he ain't satisfied with the lights or
+with their actions or else he remembers something important which has
+been forgotten and he yells for somebody to fetch it, and six or eight
+runs to get it and brings the wrong thing back, and he raves and cusses
+under his breath and tells everybody to go back to their marks and start
+in all over again.
+
+And the next try is just the same as the first. And the third try is not
+no more successful than the other two was. So then the director he
+shooes the whole crowd back out of the way and walks up and down and
+waves his arms and wildly states that he hopes he may be hanged if he's
+going to go on until they learns how to rehearse. And I remarks to
+myself that if I was them white folks I certainly would give him his
+wish and hang him!
+
+So then everybody loafs round a spell, whilst the director confabs with
+a little thin nervoused-looking man called Mr. Simons, with glasses on.
+And then the director announces that they won't try to shoot the mob
+scene today and all the extras can go till nine o'clock tomorrow
+morning, and in the meantime he trusts and prays that they may get a
+little sense or something in their heads. So, accordingly, most of the
+multitude departs leaving only about a dozen or more actor ladies and
+gentlemen setting round on odds and ends and seemingly very grateful for
+the peaceful lull.
+
+By this time I has done localized Mr. Pulliam where he's standing over
+in a corner talking with Miss Bill-Lee and a couple more ladies, and I
+makes my way to him. Doing so, I has to pass behind some of the scenery.
+On the other side it's just like a row of houses with roofs and porches
+and all, but here on the behind-side of it there ain't nothing only
+plastering laths and raggedy ends of burlaps and chicken-coop wire and
+naked joists. It puts me right sharply in mind of some of these folks we
+has been associating with up here--everything in stock devoted to making
+a show for the front and nothing except the rubbish left over for the
+backing. Well, I reckons it's always like that when you is
+making-believe to be something you truly ain't, whether it's in a
+moving-picture studio or out in the great world at large.
+
+After I gives Mr. Dallas his coat he tells me to hang round if I wishes
+to do so and watch 'em working. So I hangs round. But there ain't much
+working done for quite a spell but, instead, a lot of general
+speechifying and explaining betwixt this one and that one. Finally
+though, the pestered man he yells out something about being ready to
+shoot an interior. All hands rambles over to another part of the
+building where there is more scenery which is fixed up to look like the
+insides of a short-order restaurant. One of the young ladies and one of
+the young gentlemen sets down at a table in front of the camera and lets
+on to be eating a quick snack whilst a white man, which is dressed up
+like a waiter and blacked up to look like he's colored, waits on 'em.
+The two at the table appears to be giving satisfaction but the ruler of
+the roost ain't pleased with the way the waiter acts out his part.
+
+I ain't blaming him for not being pleased, neither. To start with, the
+waiter is blacked up too much. He don't look like he's genuine colored;
+he looks more like he's been shining up a cook stove and got most of the
+polish rubbed off onto his face and hands. He don't act like he's
+genuine colored, neither. I judges he must have studied the business of
+acting like colored folks from watching nigger minstrel shows. He keeps
+rolling his eyes up in his head and smacking his lips, the same as an
+end-man does, which is all right, I reckon, when you is an end-man but
+which does not fill the bill when you is letting on to be a sure-enough
+black person; because for years past I ain't never seen scarsely no
+minstrel man which really deported himself as though he had colored
+feelings inside of him.
+
+Still, I must say for him that he's doing his level best to oblige. But
+what with him trying to remember to keep the eyes rolling and the lips
+smacking, and the director yelling at him through that megaphome to do
+the next step this-a-way or that-a-way, he's presently so muddled up in
+his mind that it seems like he can't get nothing at all accomplished. It
+makes me feel actually sorry for him; but I ain't sorry for the
+director. One of 'em is ignorant and willing to admit it; the other one
+is ignorant but is trying to cover it up by behaving bossified and
+making loud sounds and laying the blame on somebody else. Leastwise,
+that's how I figures it out. I says to myself, I says:
+
+"It's all wrong frum who laid the rail. Yas suh, I'll tell the waitin'
+world they don't neither one of 'em onderstan' the leas' particle 'bout
+nigger actions an' nigger depotemint."
+
+I must've said it out loud without thinking, because right alongside me
+somebody speaks up and says:
+
+"What do you know about this business?"
+
+I turns my head and looks, and it's that there quiet little man with the
+big glasses on, name of Mr. Simons.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"I don't know nothin' 'bout this yere bus'ness, but I does know
+somethin' 'bout bein' cullid, seein' ez I is one myse'f."
+
+He sort of squints up his eyes like he's got an idea. He says:
+
+"Could you take the director's place there and show that man how to get
+through with his scene?"
+
+"Who, boss, me?" I says. "No suit! I mebbe mout could tek his place
+pervidin' w'ite folkses didn't mind havin' me th'owin' awders at 'em,
+but even so, I couldn't never plant the right idees in 'at other
+gen'elman's mind."
+
+"Why not?" he says.
+
+"'Cause it's plain to me," I says, "'at in the fust place he ain't got
+no notion ez to how a black boy would carry hisse'f whilst waitin' on a
+table. 'Scuse me fur sayin' so ef he's a friend of yours, but tha's the
+facts of the case, boss--the feelin's ain't thar."
+
+"All right," he says, "then could you play the waiter's part yourself?"
+
+"Well suh," I says, "mebbe I could ef they wouldn't 'spect me to act lak
+a actor but just 'lowed me to act lak a human bein'. I ain't never done
+no actin'," I says, "but I been a human bein' fur ez fur back ez I kin
+remember."
+
+"You've got it!" he says. "What this business needs in it is fewer
+people trying to act and more people willing to behave like human
+beings. How would you like to put on the jacket and the apron that man
+is wearing and see if you could get away with the job he's trying to
+do?"
+
+"Ef 'twould be a favor to you--yas, suh," I says. "But I'm' skeered the
+directin' gen'elman mout object."
+
+"I think possibly I could fix that," he says. "I happen to be the owner
+of this plant. I'll go speak to him."
+
+"Hole on," I says, "ef you please, suh. The onliest way I could do it,"
+I says, "would be fur you to tell me jest whut you wanted done an' 'en
+you'd have to mek all hands stand back an' keep quiet whilst I wuz
+tryin' to do it. It sho'," I says, "would git me all razzle-dazzled to
+have some gen'elman yellin' at me th'ough 'at megaphome ever' half
+secont or so."
+
+"There's another idea that's worth experimenting with," he says. "I've
+thought the same thing myself before now. You stay right here a minute."
+
+Well, to make a long story no longer, he goes over and whispers
+something to the director and first-off the director he shakes his head
+like he's dead set against the proposition but Mr. Simons keeps on
+arguing with him and after a little bit the director flings up both
+hands sort of despairful and goes over and sets down at a little table,
+looking very sulky. Then, Mr. Simons he tells the blacked-up man to take
+off his apron and his jacket and tells me to put 'em on me and then he
+tells me very slow just what he wants me to do, but he says I'm to do it
+my own way and if, as I goes along, I thinks of anything else which a
+real colored waiter would do under such-like circumstances, why, I'm to
+stick that in, too.
+
+"Try to forget that it's all pretending," he says, "and try to forget
+that there's a camera grinding in front of you. Just remember that
+you're a waiter in a cheap dump serving a couple of young people that
+have run away from home to be married and are in a hurry to get
+something to eat. Try to register your expectations of getting a nice
+big tip from the young fellow. And when you slip the girl the note
+that'll tip her off to the fact that her old sweetheart is waiting
+outside and wants to see her, you want to make sure that the man at the
+table with her can't see you, but that people sitting out in the
+audience watching the show will see the note pass. Get me? We won't have
+any rehearsals--too much preliminary stuff might make you
+self-conscious. I'll have 'em start shooting just as soon as you come
+on. Now go to it!"
+
+Which I does it all according to orders. I must've gave utter
+satisfaction, too, because when we gets through, everybody setting round
+claps their hands and applauses me same as if they was at a regular
+show--that is, everybody does so except the director; which he continues
+to act peevish. This here Mr. Simons he goes yet farther than
+applausing; he comes over to me and he says I has put him under
+obligations to me by helping him out and if ever I feels like doing some
+more moving-picture work just to call on him either down at his office
+or up here at the studios, because he says there ain't no telling when
+he may have another show with a part in it for a smart spry colored
+person. And with that he slips his card into my hand and along with it a
+ten dollar bill, which that is more money than ever I has earned before
+in my whole life for a light job, let alone just acting natural for
+about five or six minutes.
+
+He starts on away then but suddenly he turns round like a notion had
+just hit him between the eyes and he comes back to me and says he wants
+to speak to me a minute and I follows him back around a corner where
+nobody won't be liable to hear us.
+
+"I want to ask you about something," he says, when we arrives there.
+"You seem to be a person who keeps his eyes and his ears open; besides,
+you're colored yourself and what I need here, I think, is somebody who
+can look at a proposition from a colored man's slant rather than from a
+white man's. And finally, my guess is that you haven't been away from
+your own part of the country very long and that probably means you
+haven't lost your perspective. Do you get my drift?"
+
+I wouldn't know a perspective if I met up with one in the big road but I
+ain't aiming to expose my ignorance before this strange gentleman. I
+tries to look like I'm mighty glad that I've been so careful as not to
+lose it and I tells him yes, sir, I gets his drift.
+
+"Good," he says. "Well, making it snappy, the idea is just this: New
+York City is full of colored actors--not merely singers and dancers but
+real artists, some of 'em, who can act and are especially strong in
+comedy. That's point number one. In nearly every good-sized town in this
+country, North and South, there's at least one moving-picture house
+catering to your people. That's point number two. But day after day and
+night after night those patrons see nothing but pictures written by
+white people, directed by white men, and acted by white people. That's
+point number three. Now, I've been carrying round a scheme in my head
+for quite awhile--a scheme to try the experiment of turning out a line
+of two-reelers, say, done by colored casts, and selling them, if I can,
+to these three or four thousand houses run by colored people and playing
+to colored people. I've got the studio right here--I've got the
+organization and the equipment. And at any time I need it I can put my
+hand on plenty of acting material--colored people, I mean--who'll only
+need a little training to make 'em fit for my purposes. Some of 'em have
+already had some training--as extras around the local plants. As I dope
+it out, if I can produce pictures which will appeal particularly to your
+people I'll have a steady market through the big exchanges; because, if
+I know anything about the tastes of the general public, white people
+will enjoy all-colored comedies--if they're done right--almost as much
+as colored people will. And that's point number four. Now then, give me
+your idea of the value of the notion?"
+
+"Mister," I says, "I kin only tell you how one cullid pusson feels,
+w'ich 'at one is me: The way I looks at it, you ain't needin' to bother
+much 'bout fancy scenery an' special fixin's--wid a crowd of niggers the
+mainest p'int will be the actin'. The actin' part is whar you can't fool
+'em. An'," I says, "ef you kin git holt of a crowd of cullid actors
+w'ich is willin' to ack lak the sho'-nuff ole-time cullid an' not lak
+onbleached imitations of w'ite folks, it seems lak to me the rest of it
+oughter be plum' easy. Mostly I'd mek the pitchers comical, ef I wuz
+you. You kin do 'at an' still not hurt nobody's feelin's, w'ite nur
+black. Ef you wants to perduce a piece showin' a lot of niggers gittin'
+skinned, let it be another nigger w'ich skins 'em. Then," I says, "w'en,
+at the last, they gits even wid him it'll still be nigger ag'inst
+nigger. An' ef, once't in awhile, you meks a kind of a serious-lak
+pitcher, showin', mebbe, how the race is a-strivin' to git ahaid in the
+world, 'at ought to fetch these yere new-issue cullid folks w'ich," I
+says, "is seemin'ly become so plentiful up Nawth. But mainly I'd stick
+to the laffin' line ef I wuz you--niggers is one kind of folks in 'is
+country w'ich they ain't afeard to laff. An' whutever else you does," I
+says, "don't mess wid no race problem. We gits mouty tired, sometimes,
+of bein' treated the way we of'en is. Tek my own case," I says. "I ain't
+no problem, I's a pusson. I craves to be so reguarded. An' tha's the way
+I alluz is been reguarded by my own kind of w'ite folks down whar I
+comes frum," I says.
+
+"Say," he says, when I gets through saying this, "I think you've earned
+another ten-spot." And with that he shoves one more of them desirable
+bills at me; which he don't have no real struggle inducing me to take
+it. Because I'm a powerful easy person to control in such matters. And
+always has been, from a child up.
+
+"I was practically convinced all along that the proposition was worth
+trying," he says. "What you say helps to confirm a judgment I already
+had. Well, don't forget about coming to see me if you want work in my
+line--there may be plenty of it if this thing pans out." And he shakes
+hands with me again and walks off.
+
+Right after that a young white gentleman he comes looking for me to take
+down my full entitlements and he says I will be honorably mentioned by
+name on the program of the picture which they now is making, when it's
+done. And Mr. Dallas he tells me I can take the rest of the day off for
+to celebrate having broke into the movies.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+_Black Belt_
+
+
+But I figures I has got something better to do than just to be
+gallivanting to and fro on a frolic. A notion has busted out insides of
+my brains. So right off I puts off across town for West One-Hundred and
+Thirty-fifth Street hoping for to find one U. S. G. Petty, Colored.
+
+Some time back, as I remembers, I made brief mention about having
+affiliated myself into the Pastime Colored Pleasure and Recreation Club,
+Inc. Only, the last word--_Inc._--is not usually spoke when you is
+naming the club, by reason of its sounding so much like a personal
+reflection upon the prevailing complexion of some of the members. Still,
+that is the way it is wrote out on the letter-heads and the initiation
+blanks.
+
+I has belonged for going on more than a month now and I spends much of
+my spare time in the club-rooms. I feels more comfortable among my
+fellow-affiliators than I does any place else in this town. Looking back
+on it I'm convinced 'twas up there I first began to get shut of the
+grievous homestick pangs which afflicted me so sorefully following after
+our advent into these parts. Up to now I has not spoke of my being
+homesick because it seemed like to me the mainest job was to set down
+what come to pass without paying much heed to private sensations upon
+the part of the scribe thereof, but, if the truth must now be confessed,
+I oftentimes was mighty nigh completely overcome by my sufferings from
+the same during them opening weeks of the present sojourn.
+
+At the beginning I used to get so tired, night-times, tramping about
+streets which was full of utter strangers and not never speaking a word
+to nobody nor seeing a friendly face, that I liked to died, dad-blame if
+I didn't! If I stood still they'd run right on over me and if I walked
+on I didn't have nowheres to go and I'd be so exhaustified from looking
+at sights all by myself that I'd get to wishing I'd never see another
+sight again as long as I lived, without I had somebody I knowed along
+with me to help me look at it. And then I'd come morosing on back to the
+apartment and probably Mr. Dallas he'd be out and nobody there but that
+there slick-headed Japanee boy. I tried sociable talk with him once or
+twice but you really don't derive no great amount of nourishment from
+talking with somebody which thinks language is sucking your breath in
+through your front teeth and once in awhile grinning like one of these
+here pumpkin Jack-mer-lanterns. So I soon learned the lesson of just
+letting him be.
+
+I'd go on back to my room and take off my shoes for to ease my aching
+feet; but whilst taking off your shoes is good for your feet it don't
+help the ache in your soul none. I'd set at the window and look out on
+them millions and millions of lights, all winking and blinking at me
+like hostile bright eyes, and away down below me in the street I could
+hear old automobile horns blatting like lost ghosts, and every now and
+then there'd rise up to my ears a sort of a rumble and a roar, like as
+if New York City was having indigestion pains; and I'll say it
+positively was lonesome. I could shut my eyes and see my own home-town
+with the shade trees leaning down towards the sidewalks like they was
+interested in what went on underneath them, and I could hear the voices
+of the neighbors, both white and black, calling back and forth to one
+another and I could seem to smell frying cat-fish spitting in the
+skillet at old Uncle Isom Woolfolk's hot snack-stand down back of the
+Market House, and I also could smell that damp, soothing kind of a smell
+which it rolls in off the river on a warm night and then--oh, my Blessed
+Maker!--something would hurt me like having the misery in your side.
+
+That's the way it was very frequent at the outsetting. But pretty soon I
+gets acquainted with a couple of colored boys which works in the
+apartment house next door to ours--not West Indians but regulation
+colored boys, one being from Macon, Georgia, and one from Memphis,
+Tennessee--and they takes to escorting me round with 'em at night,
+mainly in what the white folks calls the Harlem Black Belt. Fussing back
+and forth, thuslike, I makes yet more acquaintances and
+then--_bam_!--all at once there's a quick change in me and I ain't so
+choked up with lonesomeness like I was. All of a sudden my having lived
+heretofore always down in Kentucky has become to me just a kind of a
+far-off dream and it's almost like as if I had been a New York
+residenter for years past. 'Specially does I feel so when I goes up to
+the Pastime Club; which I joins it by invitation about a month ago and
+is now already being talked of for one of the honory offices at the next
+annual election which will come along in about five or six weeks from
+now.
+
+I finds that the most of my race up here aims to copy their actions
+after white folks when they is showing themselves off in public. They is
+forever trying to talk like whites and trying to appear deeply
+oninterested in passing things, the same as some white folks does, and
+even trying to think like whites, I expect. But when they gets off
+amongst themselves their natural feelings comes out on 'em and the true
+coloredism breaks forth and they cuts loose and enjoys themselves
+regardless. That's the way it is behind the closed doors of our
+club-rooms. Also, there's suitable games and indoor sports such as
+coon-can and two-bit-limit poker with the joker running wild and a round
+of rumdoodlums after every face-full; and when hunger gnaws at you
+there's a Chinee restaurant right handy by, which it caters 'specially
+to the colored trade. Here is where I first meets a crock of this here
+chop suey face to face; which it may be a Chinee dish but certainly is
+got a kind of an African flavor to it. If you can't get a mess of
+cow-peas and some real corn-pones and maybe half a fried young spring
+chicken with an abundance of gravy, I don't know of nothing which makes
+a more desirable light snack between meals than about fifty cents worth
+of chop suey with a double order of boiled rice on the side and some of
+that there greasy black Chinee sauce to sop it in.
+
+It's one time in the front room of the club that I first takes special
+notice of this here U. S. G. Petty, which he is the same person I goes
+a-seeking upon leaving the studios on this day in question. The way he
+comes to bring himself to my attention is this way: One night five or
+six of us Pastimers in good standing is setting round not doing nothing
+in particular, but just setting, when talk arises concerning of Gabriel,
+the Black Prophet of Abyssinia, which his name is now on everybody's
+tongue, more or less.
+
+It seems that the Black Prophet come a-projecting himself onto the local
+scene last spring, him claiming to hail from a far-off latitude called
+Abyssinia, and immediately he creates a big to-do, which is only to be
+expected considering of his general aspect. In the first place, he's a
+powerful orator and just overflowing with noble large words. In the
+second place, he's a great big over-bearing-looking man and wearing at
+all times a flowing garment of purple like the night-shirt of a king,
+and instead of having a hat on he's got his head all bandaged up in many
+silken folds like he's got scalp-trouble. Naturally, folks turns out to
+look at him; but language and curious clothes is not the sole things by
+which he recommends himself. He's got something even more compelling to
+the colored mind than what these two is--he's had a glorious vision, so
+he states, and he craves for to tell about it on all occasions where
+folks'll give heed; which they freely does, because he certainly can
+explain the whyfores and 'numerate the whereases and show the whereins.
+But showing wherein is his main hold.
+
+From the way he tells it, he laid down one night in his native country
+for to sleep and whilst he slept an angel appeared before him in a dream
+bearing a flaming scroll and a golden sword, and the angel anointed his
+brows with the oils of understanding and wiped the scales of blindness
+from off his eyes and smeared his lips with the salves of
+eloquence--altogether, it seem like the angel must a-been working on him
+half the night getting him greased-up to suit. And along towards morning
+the command is laid on him to go forth into the world and deliver his
+race from bondage in every hemisphere there is. So it transpires that
+he takes his foot in his hand and he comes on across the seas over to
+these here United States of North America and starts in his
+ministrations in New York. Leastwise, that is the account as he lays it
+down; which he calls it an inspired prophecy from On High but it sounds
+more to me like an inspired real-estate scheme, because the plan as he
+preaches it is that all us black folks everywhere must straight-away
+rise ourselves up and follow after him, which he will then lead us back
+to our original own country of Affika where he will cause all the white
+folks which has settled there to pull out and leave us in sole charge
+for to rule the state and run our own government and be a free and
+independent people from thenceforth on forever. So you pays down so much
+for to join and so much every month in dues and soon then--to hear him
+tell it--you will be happy on your way across the ocean to find your
+haven in the Promised Land.
+
+But not me! I ain't lost no haven. Moreover, if ever anybody does
+promise me one-such I ain't aiming to go seeking after it under the
+guidnance of a dark stranger which he ain't no credentials for to
+endorse him in my eyes, excusing it's a purple silk night-shirt and a
+tale about him having been lubricated all over with a lot of different
+kinds of fancy ointments by an Abyssinian angel. No sir, if I has to do
+traveling in extreme foreign-off parts I'll go along with some of my own
+white folks which I can put trust in their words and dependence on their
+acts. And, finally, the idea of my returning to Affika does not seem to
+appeal to me in no way nor at no time whatsomever. What's the use of
+returning to a place where you ain't never been? As I says to myself the
+first time the notion is expounded to me, I says:
+
+"I ain't frum Affika, I is frum Paducah, Kintucky. Some of my former
+folks may a-hailed frum there--leas'wise, tha's the common rumor--but
+the Poindexter fambly is been away so long it seems lak I ain't
+inherited the taste to 'go traipsin' back. Mo'over, ef whut I heahs
+'bout it is correc', Affika is full of alligators an' lions an'
+onreconciled Bengal tigers an' man-eatin' cannibals, w'ich I wouldn't
+be surprised but whut they all of 'em 'specially favors the dark meat.
+An' yere I is, a pernounced brunette! So, w'en they starts makin' up the
+excursion list they kin kin'ly leave my name off, 'cause I 'spects to be
+very busily engaged stayin' right whar I dog-goned is!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+_Afric Shores_
+
+
+Thus is what I says to myself, very first crack out of the box and I
+subsequent sees no reason for to change my views. But this night at the
+Pastime when the subject is brung forward for discussion, I just lurks
+in a corner, not saying nothing myself but doing some very vigorous
+listening. Being a new member, the way I is, I prefers not to declare
+myself in at the go-off but just to sort of hang back and catch the
+general drift of the old heads before I commits myself.
+
+Regardless of your private convictions it don't hurt you none,
+sometimes, to throw in with the majority. Traveling with the current
+instead of against it, you maybe is not so prominent but you gets fewer
+bumps across your head. A minnow sliding downstream with a passel of
+other minnows stands a heap better chance of leading a pleasant life
+than if he strives for to conspicious himself by swimming upstream all
+by himself. Old Brother Channel Cat is liable to come sauntering down
+past the towhead and see him going along there all alone, and open wide
+that there big mouth of his and then, little Mr. Minnow, I asks you,
+where is you?
+
+So I sets and hearkens to the pow-wowing. It seems that two or three
+present has been swept right off their feet by the masterful preachments
+of this here Gabriel the Black Prophet. They is all organized up for to
+accept him as the chosen apostle of the colored race. It looks like they
+can't hardly wait for the blessed day to come when they'll pull out with
+him. They 'lows a lot of these here overbearing white folks is going to
+feel mighty funny the morning they wakes up and finds that all the black
+folks is done up and gone from 'em and there ain't nobody left for to
+pack their heavy burdens for 'em and wait on 'em, without they turns in
+and does it themselves. They says a lot more like that. And pretty soon
+the old camp-meeting tone comes creeping into their voices and their
+eyes starts shining like they was repentant sinners gathered at the
+mourners' bench and they begins to sort of sing their words and
+generally work themselves up into a state of grace.
+
+Right about then this here U. S. G. Petty, which they calls him 'Lisses
+for short, speaks up. Until now he has been reared back in his chair
+listening, the same as I is. But now he opens up and his words hits them
+onthusiastic ones like a dipperful of ice-water throwed in their faces.
+
+He says to 'em, he says:
+
+"W'en does all you niggers 'at's so homesick fur the sight of the dear
+Affikin shore aims to start on yore jubilatin' way? I is heared a lot
+tonight an' other times, too, 'bout this yere journey. I is heared it
+called a crusade an' a pilgrimage an' a whole passel of other fancy
+names. But so fur, nobody ain't confided to me the details of the
+departure."
+
+"The fust batch goes ez soon ez the fust boat is ready," says one of the
+true believers, name of Oscar Jordan. "An' the rest will follow wid
+rejoicin' on the other boats of the fleet, ez they is made ready."
+
+"Well, me, I ain't seen hair nur hide of one boat yit," says 'Lisses,
+"let alone it's a whole fleet."
+
+"But ain't you seen the pitcher of her in the litrychure w'ich the Black
+Prophet give out?" says Oscar.
+
+"I has, Brother," says 'Lisses; "I suttinly has. I also has seen
+pitchers of the late Kaiser Ex-Wilhellum of Germany, but that ain't no
+sign I 'spects to meet him strollin' up Lenox Avenue some pleasant
+mawnin' this comin' week."
+
+"Yas, but the bindin' paymints is done been made on the fust ship," says
+Oscar. "The Grand Treasurer, w'ich he is the Black Prophet's
+brother-in-law by marriage, he announce' the full perticulars at the
+las' monster mass meetin'. He specify she is to have a cullid brass-band
+on bode an' a cullid string-band an' a cullid crew an' a cullid cap'n
+an'----"
+
+"Uh huh!" says 'Lisses, "A cullid cap'n, huh? All right, boy, you kin
+give yore confidences to a cullid cap'n ef you's a-mind to. But,
+speakin' ez yore friend an' well-wisher I should advise you at the same
+time w'en you is pickin' out your fav'rit' cullid cap'n 'at you lakwise
+also picks out yore fav'rit' flower fur display at the memorial services
+in case of a storm comin' up on the way acrost the high seas. 'Cause,"
+he says, "it stands to reason the higher them seas is the deeper they
+is; an' ef you gits yo'se'f drownded out yonder it'll be a tho'ough job.
+Mind you," he says, "I ain't sayin' nothin' agin my own race so long ez
+they remains whar they natchelly belongs, w'ich is on the solid ground.
+But ef I'm goin' journey acros't the broad Newlantic Ocean I craves me a
+w'ite cap'n--yas, an' a w'ite crew, too."
+
+One or two, including this here Oscar, tries to break in on him but he
+keeps right on. He says to 'em, he says:
+
+"I wonder is you Ole Home-Weekers been figgerin' out how you is goin'
+git control of yore beloved native Affika w'en you arrives safely
+tharin? Seems lak to me tha's a p'int w'ich you better be payin' a
+right smart attention to it befo'hand. 'Cause, frum whut I kin gather,
+w'ite folks is done already laid claim to the most part of Affika w'ich
+is fit fur a Christian to live in. I bet you wharever they is a
+diamond-mine or a gold diggin's or an ivory-mine or anythin' wuth
+havin', you'll find a bunch of w'ite men roostin' close't by, wid
+'Posted' signs up on every hand. Whut does you aim to do 'en?"
+
+"They ain't got no right fur to be thar in the fust place," says Oscar.
+"The Prophet done oratate fully 'bout that. Didn't Affika belong to us
+black folkses to begin wid? Has we ever deeded it away? No, that we
+ain't! Then it's still our'n, ain't it? So, therefo', we goes back in
+force an' th'ough our chosen leaders we demands 'at these yere
+trespassers re-hands it back over to its rightful owners, w'ich," he
+says, "tha's us."
+
+"Even so," says 'Lisses, "even so. You lands an' you demands--an' 'en
+whut? This yere country belonged once't upon a time to the Injuns. An'
+w'ite folks come along an' chiseled 'em out of it, didn't they? They
+shore did so! But I ain't heared 'bout no gin'el movemint in favor of
+turnin' it back over ag'in to the Injuns. The Injuns mout feel
+that-a-way but I ain't 'spectin' to see many w'ite folkses votin' in
+favor of it.
+
+"Lis'sen: Once't you let w'ite folks git they feets rooted in the ground
+an' they stays fast, reguardless of whut the former perprietors may
+think 'bout it. W'ite folks in gin'el is very funny that way an' more
+'specially ef they is Angler-Saxons. I don't know, myse'f, whar this
+yere Angler-Saxony is. I done look fur it on the map an' 'tain't thar. I
+reckin so many Angler-Saxons must a-moved off to other parts of the
+world seekin' whut they could confisticate unto theyselves 'at the
+'riginal country they hailed frum has done vanish'. Jedgin' by they
+names, some of 'em must a-been Scotch an' some of 'em must a-been Irish
+and plenty more of 'em must a-been English; but no matter whut they
+names is, they is all alak in one respec': an' tha's clingin' fast to
+all the onimproved real-estate w'ich they gits they hands on. I knows,
+'cause I wuz born and brung up 'mongst 'em down in No'th Ca'lina. An'
+they is still a right smart sprinklin' of 'em lef' 'round these yere
+No'the'n parts, too. You jest try to mek 'em give up somethin' w'ich
+they desires fur to keep on keepin' it, an' you'll find 'em a powerful
+onhealthy crowd to prank wid. They's a heap of talk," he says, "'bout
+the other races, w'ich is pourin' in yere, crowdin' 'em plum out of Noo
+Yawk City in time, notwithstandin' of 'em havin' been amongst the fust
+settlers yere. But lemme tell you somethin': Ef they wuzn' but two of
+them Angler-Saxons lef' in this whole town I bet you one of 'em would be
+the mayor an' the other'd be the chief of police. Next to holdin' on to
+the land, runnin' the gov'mint is the most fav'rit' sport they follows
+after.
+
+"An'," he says, "ef 'at is true of this yere country, you tek it frum me
+it's true of Affika. Me, I looks fur a lot of cullid fun'els to tek
+place befo' you has yore wish 'bout regainin' yore former homestids over
+thar," he says. Then his tone sort of changes. "But," he says, "I has
+jest been statin' the argumints on the No side. I wants to be fair, so I
+will lakwise 'low there's somethin' to be said on yore side, too. In
+fact," he says, "ef only the suitable 'rangemints kin be made
+befo'hand, I aims to onlist myse'f in wid the movemint an' give to it,"
+he says, "my most hearties' suppo't."
+
+That seems to sort of take 'em by surprise. This here Oscar Jordan,
+being the most gabby one, is the first to get over his surprisement.
+
+"How come you kin feel that way, 'Lisses," he says, "w'en fur the pas'
+ten minutes you been preachifyin' agin the whole notion? How come you
+willin' fur to remove yo'se'f off to the perposed All-Affikin Republic
+ef you holds them views w'ich you jest expound?"
+
+"Who, me?" says 'Lisses. "You got me wrong! I ain't aimin' to remove
+myse'f nowhars. I is mos' comfor'ble whar I is at. No suh, what I aims
+to do is to 'tach myse'f to the collector's office yere at home an'
+handle the money-dues ez they comes a-rollin' in frum the rest of you
+niggers. That's goin' be me an' my job--collectin' an' also
+disbursin'--'specially the las'-named."
+
+I rises from where I is setting and I crosses to him and I extends to
+him the right hand of fellowship and I says to him, I says:
+
+"You," I says, "an' me both! I nominates myse'f to he'p you wid them
+duties. Brother Petty," I says, "you speaks words of wisdom w'ich they
+sounds lak my own. Le's us two promenade fo'th into the fresh air of the
+evenin'," I says, "an' exchange mo' views on the subjec's of the day. I
+feels," I says, "'at we is goin' be agreeable companions one to the
+other an' vice or versa."
+
+So from that hour we becomes good friends and sees quite much of one
+another. And the more I sees of him the better the cut of his jib seems
+to suit me. He follows after cornet-playing for a living. He plays in
+the orchestra at the Colored Crescent Vaudeville Theatre on the corner
+below where the Pastime Club is, so, what with him being in the
+profession and us friends and all, I thinks of him the next minute after
+this big idea comes to me up at the studio and that's why I goes seeking
+for him in West One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth Street; which without much
+trouble I finds him. I takes him aside and I starts telling him what I
+has in my mind. Before I has been speechifying to him more than a minute
+I can tell he's getting interested and he begs me for to continue. And
+when I gets through he's just acclamatious over the notion of going in
+partners with me on the proposition. So we spends the rest of the day
+and until far into the night discussing the thing from every angle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+_Business Deals_
+
+
+
+Bright and early next morning, along about half past ten o'clock, which
+is bright and early for New York, I is at Mr. Simons' offices down on
+Broadway. I sends my name in to him by a white boy which is on guard in
+an outside room amongst a lot of gold railings. In lessen no time at all
+the word comes back that I is to walk right in. I walks in and I finds
+Mr. Simons setting behind the largest desk that ever I seen, in a room
+mighty near big enough for a church. He acts like he's glad to see me
+again and he invites me for to have a seat and tell him what's on my
+mind because, he says, he found my conversation the day previous to be
+most edifying and helpful.
+
+So I says to him, I says:
+
+"Boss, I wants to ast you a question an' 'pun yore answer depends
+whither or no I'm goin' ast you a favor lakwise?"
+
+"Shoot," he says.
+
+I says:
+
+"The question comes fust, w'ich it is ez follows: Ef you is earnest
+'bout goin' into the mekin' of cullid pitchers fur cullid audiences, lak
+you told me yistiddy, I desires please, suh, to know w'en you aims to
+give out yore plans to the public at large th'ough the newspapers?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Pretty soon, I guess--just as soon as I get the scheme sort of shaped
+up. Why--did you want a job when we open up?"
+
+"Naw suh, not 'at so much," I says. "I got a stiddy job now, valettin'
+fur Mr. Dallas Pulliam. But I has a right smart extra time on my hands
+an' I is been kind of figgerin' on mebbe doin' a little somethin' on the
+side in my sparin' hours. An' so, whut I 'specially craves to know frum
+you is whether, w'en you gits ready, you intends fur to 'nounce yore
+plans in the cullid papers yere in this town?"
+
+"Well," he says, "I hadn't thought of it before. But if it would mean
+anything to you I'd see to it, personally, that it was done and also
+that in the press notices your name was mentioned in a complimentary way
+as having given us valuable aid and advice--something of that sort. I
+suppose you'd like to be put in a favorable light among your friends.
+Well, I don't blame you. I'm somewhat addicted to printers' ink myself.
+Was that the favor you wanted to ask of me?"
+
+"Yas suh," I says, "in a way it 'tis an' then again, in a way, it
+'tain't. Yere's the idee, boss: I wants to know frum you befo'hand, ef
+you please, w'en you perposes to mek the 'nouncemint 'cause on 'at
+se'f-same day they'll be 'nother 'nouncemint in the cullid papers
+settin' fo'th 'at the new firm of Poindexter & Petty 'spectfully desires
+to state 'at they is openin' a bookin'-agency fur cullid movin'-pitcher
+actors in the neighborhood an' 'at lakwise also, in connection wid it, a
+school fur trainin' cullid folks how to ack fur the screen will later on
+be added on."
+
+He rears back in his chair and sort of smiles to himself, quiet-like.
+
+"Oh, I see," he says. "I congratulate you on being wide-awake, anyhow.
+But," he says, "what do you know about training people to act for the
+screen?"
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "I wuz aimin' to pick up a few p'inters yere an'
+thar fur future use. An' ef the wust comes to the wust," I says, "I kin
+get me a pair of these yere tall yaller leather leggin's an' a megaphome
+an' ack influential an' mebbe I could thar'by git by," I says.
+
+"Some of the white directors are getting by with about that much
+equipment," he says. "Perhaps you could, too. Well, anyhow, the venture
+has my best wishes for its success. I can promise you a little more than
+that: It's probable that later on I can throw some business in your
+way."
+
+"Thanky, suh, mos' kindly," I says. "'At wuz mainly whut I wuz hopin'
+fur."
+
+"Do you need any funds to help you out in financing your undertaking?"
+he says.
+
+"Naw suh, I thinks not," I says. "I got some ready cash on hand an' my
+partner he's goin' put in a amount ekel to whut I risks. Ef I needs any
+more on top of 'at, I aims to ast Mr. Dallas Pulliam fur a small loan."
+
+Then I tells him we lives at the Wheatley Court so he can write to me
+there as soon as he is ready to proceed ahead, and I bids him good-bye
+and goes back on up-town with hope singing inside of me like one of
+these here yellow-breast field-larks down home.
+
+It turns out though it's a good thing we don't need no borrowed capital
+from Mr. Dallas' pocketbook at the outsetting because in lessen two
+months from that time Old Miss Bad Luck starts shooting at him with the
+scatter-gun of trouble, both barrels at once.
+
+Which I will go into full details about all that mess the next time I
+takes my pen in hand.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+_Private Life_
+
+
+It seems to me it's highly suitable that I should get to the edge of
+telling about Mr. Dallas' misfortunate visitations just as Chapter the
+Thirteenth is starting, which, as everybody knows full well already,
+thirteen is the unluckiest number there is in the whole alphabet.
+
+When you projects with old Lady Thirteen you flirts with sudden
+disaster. With Mr. Dallas, though, his troubles don't come on all at
+once, like a stroke; they comes on sort of gradual, one behind the
+other, like the symptoms of a lingering complaint.
+
+Up to a certain point everything with us has gone along very lovely, the
+same as usual, with parties occurring regular at the apartment and the
+Japanee boy cooking up fancy mixtures, and me serving drinks by the
+drove. Thanksgiving time we has a special blow-out with twelve setting
+down to the table at once.
+
+But Christmas is when we cuts loose and just naturally out-todos all
+previous todos. All day long folks is dropping in to sample the
+available refreshments and most of 'em likes the sample so well they
+camps right there till far into the night. I mingles up a big glass
+reservoir full of egg-nog, which it seems to give 'special satisfaction
+to one and all. The way these here guests of ours bails it up you'd
+think they was in a sinking skiff half a mile from shore. As he ladles
+out the first batch Mr. Dallas states that this here egg-nog is made
+according to a recipe which has been handed down in his family since
+right after the Revolutionizing War. But when she's took the second
+helping, Miss O'Brien, who's got a mighty peart way about her of saying
+things, allows that it shore must be older even than that--she says
+she's willing to bet it had a good deal to do with bringing on the
+revolution.
+
+Of all the crowd that Mr. Dallas is in with, I likes her the best. She's
+got a powerful high temper and is prone to flare up when matters don't
+go to suit her; but it seems like to me she ain't devoting so much of
+her time as some of the others is to seeing what she can get for
+nothing. Sometimes I catches her looking at Mr. Dallas like as if she's
+sort of sorry for him on account of some reason or other. But to look at
+him on this Christmas Day, doing his entertainingest best, you'd think
+nothing had ever bothered him and that nothing ever would. As long as
+that egg-nog holds out he's bound and determined the party shall be a
+success. Which it is!
+
+But Mr. Bellows he ain't got no storage room for egg-nogs. Seemingly he
+figures that all them eggs and that rich cream and sugar and stuff will
+take up space which is needed for chambering the hard liquor. He just
+sets off in a corner with a bottle of Scotch and a bottle of squirtwater
+handy by, curing his drought, or striving to. He may not be such very
+good company but one thing they've got to say for him--he's a man of
+regular habits. You may not like the habits, but they certainly is
+regular. I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once that Mr. Bellows can hold any
+given number of drinks, sort of pressing her voice down on the word
+"given." She don't need to say it twice, neither, so far as I personally
+is concerned.
+
+I got her the first time.
+
+It's maybe two or three days after Christmas--anyhow it's somewheres
+around the middle of Christmas week--that I first takes notice of a sort
+of a change coming over Mr. Dallas' feelings. When there's nobody else
+round but just me and him he acts plumb bothered. His appetite is more
+picky-and-choosy than it used to be; and by these signs I can tell
+something is on his mind a-preying. On New Year's Eve he goes forth with
+his friends for a party but first they all stops by our place for what
+they calls appetizers and whilst they is gathered together it comes out
+that him and Miss Bill-Lee is now engaged. Not no regular announcement
+is made but all of a sudden, seems like, everybody present appears to
+know how things stand with him and her. Also, Miss Bill-Lee starts in
+treating him more or less like he belonged to her. I don't scarcely
+know how to state it in words, but it's like as if up until now she's
+been holding a piece of property under mortgage but has finally decided
+for to foreclose on it and is eager for the papers to be fixed up in
+order for to begin making improvements and alterations. She's what you
+might call proprietary.
+
+Well, I can't say the news is much of a shock to me, seeing what has
+been the general drift of events since last August when we first got
+here. But, on the other hand, neither I can't say that, considering
+everything, I'm actually overcome with joyfulness on Mr. Dallas'
+personal account.
+
+I can't keep from thinking to myself that he's fixing to marry himself
+off into a mighty different set of folks from the kind he was born and
+brung up amongst. And I can't keep from thinking what a sight of
+difference there is betwixt this here Miss DeWitt and Miss Henrietta
+Farrell, which, as I said before, he was courting her before we moved to
+New York. One of 'em sort of puts me in mind of a rosebud picked out of
+the garden in the dew of the morning and the other, which I means by
+that, Miss De Witt, reminds me of one of these here big pale magnolia
+blooms which has growed on the edge of a swamp. I ain't meaning no
+disrespect by having these thoughts; only I can't keep from having 'em.
+
+I reckon it's having them ideas floating round in my head which makes me
+study Mr. Dallas 'specially close that New Year's Eve. For all that he's
+laughing and joking and carrying on, I figures that way down deep
+insides of him he ain't entirely happy over what's come out. By my
+calculations, he ain't got the true feelings which a forthcoming
+bridegroom should have. As near as I can judge, he ain't hopeful so much
+as he's sort of resignated. Also and furthermore, likewise, he's got a
+kind of a puzzled-up beflusterated look on his face as if he'd been took
+up short by something he wasn't exactly expecting to happen so soon, if
+at all. It ain't exactly bewildedment and it ain't exactly
+distressfulness; but it's something that's distant kinsfolks to both of
+'em.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+_Oiled Skids_
+
+
+Anyway, that's that, as we says up here. I will now pass along to what
+comes to pass about two weeks later on. All along through them two weeks
+Mr. Dallas don't impress me like a young man should which he is starting
+out in the New Year full of good cheer and bright prospects. As the
+catch-word goes, he ain't at himself. At the breakfast table when I'm
+passing things to him he's often looking hard at nothing at all. It's
+plain his thoughts is far away and not so very happy in the place where
+they've strayed off to, neither.
+
+Well, on this particular day, which it is along toward the middle of the
+present month of January, he don't get home from down-town until long
+after dinner-time and when he does get in he don't scarcely touch a
+morsel to eat; he just pecks at the vittles. After dinner is over and
+the dishes washed up I passes through the hall on the way out, being
+bound for the Pastime Club to consultate with 'Lisses Petty touching on
+our own private affairs. Mr. Dallas had told me at dinner that I could
+have the evening off and there was not no reason why I should linger on.
+But as I passes the setting-room door I looks in and he's setting there,
+sort of haunched down in his chair, with his elbows resting on a little
+table and his face in his hands, seemingly mighty lonesome. Something
+seems to come over me and I steps in and I says to him, I says:
+
+"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, fur interruptin' yore ponderin's, but is they
+anythin' I kin do fur you befo' I goes on out?"
+
+He sort of starts and looks up at me, and if ever I sees miserableness
+staring forth from a person's eyes I sees it now. He speaks to me then
+and what he says hits me with a jolt. Because this is what he says:
+
+"Jeff, why is it that white people are forever committing suicide on
+account of their private worries but you never hear of a darky killing
+himself for the same reason?"
+
+I studies for a minute and then I says:
+
+"Well, Mr. Dallas, I reckin it's 'is yere way: A w'ite man gits hisse'f
+in trouble an' he can't seem to see no way to git shet of it. An' so he
+sets down an' he thinks an' he thinks an' he thinks, and after 'w'ile he
+shoots hisse'f. A nigger-man gits in trouble an' he sets down an' he
+thinks an' he thinks an' he thinks--an' after 'w'ile he goes to sleep!"
+
+He smiles the least little bit at that. But it is not no regulation
+smile--it's more like the ha'nting ghost of one.
+
+"But suppose you're brooding so hard you can't sleep?" he says.
+
+"I ain't never seen no nigger yit," I says, "but whut he could sleep ef
+the baid wuz soft 'nuff. They may not be many 'vantages in bein' black,
+the way the country is organized," I says, "but this is shore one place
+whar my culler has it the best."
+
+He don't say anything back at me. So after lingering a little bit I
+starts to move on out. And then another one of them inmost promptings
+leads me to speak again:
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "sometimes we kin lif' the load of our pestermints
+ef only we talks 'bout 'em to somebody else. Sometimes," I says, "it's
+keepin' 'em all corked up tight on the insides of us w'ich meks the
+burden bear down so heavy.... Wuz they anything else, suh, 'at you
+wished fur to ast me?"
+
+It seems like my words must have put a fresh notion in his head.
+
+"Jeff," he says, "you're right. I've got to confide in somebody--or else
+explode. Besides," he says, "I figure that if there is one person in all
+the five or six million people in this town who's likely to be a real
+friend to me, it's you. And while my talking to you probably can't do
+any good, it certainly can't do any harm."
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I is yore frien' an' yore desperit well-wisher,
+besides. Sence I been wukkin' fur you you shore is used me mouty kind. I
+ain't never had nary speck nur grain of complaint to find wid yore way
+of treatin' me. You's w'ite an' I is black," I says, "an' sometimes,
+seems lak to me, the two races is driftin' fu'ther apart day by day;
+but all that ain't henderin' me frum havin' yore bes' intrusts at heart.
+
+"An' so, suh, ef you feels lak givin' me yore confidences I'm yere to
+heed an' to hearken an' do my humble but level bes' fur to aid you, ef
+so be ez I kin."
+
+"I believe you," he says, "and I'm grateful to you.... Well, Jeff, to
+put it plainly, I've gone and got myself tangled up in a bad mess."
+
+"Whut way, suh?" I says.
+
+"In two ways," he says; "in business--and in another way. I've been an
+ass, Jeff--a blind, witless ass. This life here was so different from
+any I'd ever known--so different and so fascinating--that it just swept
+me off my feet. I've been drifting along with my eyes shut, having my
+fling, letting today take care of itself and with no thought of
+tomorrow. As I look back on it, it strikes me I always have been more or
+less of a drifter. Down yonder, among our own people, there always was
+somebody who'd step in once in awhile and check me up. But up here in
+this big selfish greedy town, among strangers, I've had nobody to
+advise me or to show me where I was making a fool of myself. And,
+believe me, I have made a fool of myself. I guess what I need is a
+guardian--only I doubt whether I'd find the money eventually to pay for
+his services.... Jeff, if I was free of these--these--well, these
+entanglements--I tell you right now I'd be willing to quit New York
+tomorrow and take the next train back home where I belong."
+
+He studies a minute and then he continues to resume:
+
+"Yes," he says, "I'd head for home in the morning--if I could. It has
+taken a hard jolt to open my eyes but, believe me, they're opened now.
+The chief trouble is, though, that even with them opened I can't see any
+way out of the tangle I'm in. Jeff, the big mistake I made at the start
+was that I tied up with the wrong outfit. I thought I was joining in
+with a group of typical successful live New Yorkers; I know now how
+wrong I was. There must be plenty of real people here--people who take
+life in moderation; people who are fair and kindly and reasonable;
+people who can find pleasure in simple things and who don't pretend to
+know all there is to know, or to be what they're not. But I haven't met
+them; I've been too busy running with the other kind."
+
+Down in my soul I says to myself there's a chance for him to pull out
+yet if he's beginning to see the brass-work shining through the gold
+plating which has so dazzled him up heretofores. Yes sir, if he's found
+out all by himself that New York City ain't exclusively and utterly
+composed of the Mr. H. C. Raynorses and the Mr. Hilary Bellowses and
+such, there certainly is hope for him still. All along, up to now, I've
+been saying to myself that it looks like the only future Mr. Dallas has
+to look forward to, is his past; but now I rejoices that he's done woke
+up from his happy trance. But of course I don't let on to him that such
+is my feelings. I merely says to him, I says:
+
+"I ain't the one to 'spute wid you on 'at p'int, suh. Naw suh, not me!
+But whut's the reason you can't pull out frum yere, ef you's a-mind
+to?"
+
+At that he lights in and the language just pours out from him like a
+flood. There's a lot of rigmarole about business, and some parts of this
+I cannot seem to rightly get the straight of it into my head, but I'm
+pretty sure I gets the hang of all the main points clear enough. To
+begin with, I learns now for the first time that him and Mr. Raynor
+ain't actually been selling oil down-town; they've been selling
+oil-stocks, which as near as I can figure it out, an oil-stock is the
+same kin to oil that a milk-ticket is to milk, only it's like as if the
+man which sells you the milk-tickets ain't really got no cows rounded up
+yet but trusts in due time he'll be able to do so. Still, if there is
+folks scattered about who's willing to take the risk that the milkman
+will amass some cows somewhere and that the cows won't go dry or die on
+him or be grabbed by the sheriff and thereby leave the customers with a
+lot of nice new onusable milk-tickets on their hands why, the way I
+looks at it, there ain't no reason why their craving for to invest
+should not be gratified.
+
+It seems, furthermore, that Mr. Raynor ain't actually been selling as
+many oil stocks in the general market as he has let on. Leastwise, that
+is what Mr. Dallas suspicions, even if he can't prove it. When first
+they went into partners together last August, Mr. Dallas tells me he put
+up a large jag of money for his half-interest. He was content to let Mr.
+Raynor manage the business and keep the run of the books and all that,
+seeing as how Mr. Raynor had the experience in such matters and he
+didn't. Anyhow, he felt most amply satisfied with the gratifying amounts
+which Mr. Raynor kept handing over to him, saying it all was from the
+profits. But this very day there's been a show-down at the office
+growing out of Mr. Raynor having called on him to put up another big
+chunk of cash for running expenses, and whilst all the figures and all
+the details ain't been made manifest to Mr. Dallas yet, he's got mighty
+strong reasons to believe there really wasn't no profits to speak of and
+that the money he's been drawing out all along was just his own money,
+which Mr. Raynor let him have it in order to keep him happy and
+contented whilst he was being sucked in deeper and deeper.
+
+And so now, Mr. Dallas says, that's how it stands. If he goes on and on
+along the way he seems to be headed it's only a question of time till
+all his money will be plumb drained from him. He tells me that he'd be
+willing to pull out now and take his losses and charge 'em up to the
+expenses of getting a Wall Street education only, he says, he can't. I
+asks him then what's the reason he can't? He says because when the
+papers was drawed up--by Mr. Raynor--he obligated himself in such a
+twistified way that it seems he's bound hard and fast to stick to the
+bitter end. Of course, he says, he might start a lawsuit and throw the
+whole thing into the courthouse, but, even so, he's afraid he wouldn't
+have a leg left to stand on by reason of his having tied himself up so
+tight in writing; and anyway, he says, before he got through with a
+lawsuit most doubtless the lawyers would have all the leavings.
+
+To myself I says there is still another reason. I knows how much it
+would hurt Mr. Dallas' pride to have all the folks down home finding out
+that he's made another disasterful move in business. By roundabout ways
+it has come to my ears that he's been writing letters back telling about
+how well he's doing up here in New York and now, if it should come out
+in the papers that he's made one more bad bustup on top of all them
+finance mistakes he committed before he come North, and he should have
+to go South again, broke and shamed at being broke, I reckons it would
+just about kill him. Besides which I knows full well from hearing Judge
+Priest talking in the past, that even in medium-sized towns lawyers is
+plenty costive persons to hire for an important lawsuit, and in the
+biggest town of all, where the lawyers naturally run bigger, they'd cost
+a mighty heap more.
+
+When he gets through specifying the situation I gets another notion:
+
+"I wonder," I says, sort of casual-like, "I wonder, Mr. Dallas, w'y it
+wuz 'at Mr. H. C. Raynor should a-picked this pertic'lar moment fur
+callin' on you fur a big bunch of cash, 'specially w'en ef he'd a-kept
+silence you'd a-prob'ly gone on wid him, never 'spicionin' anything wuz
+wrong?"
+
+"Oh, I'm not so stupid but what I can figure that out," he says. "He's
+afraid so much of my money will be spent soon in another direction that
+he'll be deprived of the lion's share of what is left. He wants to strip
+me down close while the stripping is good."
+
+"In 'nother direction?" I says, kind of musing. "I wonder whut 'at other
+direction kin be?"
+
+"Can't you guess?" he says.
+
+"Yas suh," I says, "I kin; but I didn' think 'twould be seemly fur me to
+start guessin' along 'at line widout you opened up the way fust."
+
+"Jeff," he says, "I feel like a low-down dog to be dragging in a woman's
+name, even indirectly; and so I guess the best thing I can do in that
+direction is to keep my mouth shut and take my medicine. It appears
+that here lately I've acquired the habit of committing myself to serious
+obligations at times when I'm not exactly aware of what I'm doing. At
+the moment, I don't seem to remember how it all comes about; then I wake
+up and I find I'm signed, sealed and delivered. I may be the damndest
+fool alive, but at least I'm an honorable fool. I was raised that way.
+Where my sense of personal honor is concerned I'm going to stick, no
+matter what the costs may be. I've been fed fat on flattery; now it's
+time for me to sup on sorrow awhile. Do you get my drift?"
+
+"Yas suh, I think I does," I says. "Mr. Dallas," I says, "'scuse me fur
+persumin' to keep on 'long 'is yere track, but is you right downright
+shore 'at you solemnly engaged yo'se'f in the holy bonds of wedlock to
+the lady in question?"
+
+"I suppose I did," he says. "I must have. She assumes to think
+so--everybody else assumes to think so. And yet, as Heaven is my judge,
+I never intended to lead anybody to believe that I wanted to make a
+marriage up here. It--it just happened, Jeff--that's all. I can see now
+how a lot of things have been happening and why. But what can I do to
+clear myself from either one of these two tangles? I've asked myself the
+question a hundred times since noon today and there's no answer. I can't
+lick Raynor at his own game; he's too wise; he's covered his prints too
+well. When I hinted at a lawsuit this afternoon he laughed in my face
+and told me to go ahead and sue. And, as for the other thing--well,
+unless I go through with it, against my will and my better judgment, it
+means a breach of promise suit, or I miss my guess. Besides, I still
+have some shreds of self-respect left. I can't deliberately try to break
+an engagement which, I suppose, I must have made in good faith."
+
+"S'posen' the lady herse'f wuz to up an' brek it on her own
+'sponsibility?" I says. He laughed kind of scornful.
+
+"No chance," he says; "no such luck for me! I've walked blindfolded into
+every trap that was set for me and now it's up to me to play the string
+out till the last penny is gone. At the present rate that shouldn't
+take long. But see here, Jeff, I wonder why I sit here unburdening my
+woes on you? I know you would help me if you could, but what can you do?
+What can anybody do?"
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you can't never tell. Sometimes the humblest
+he'ps out the greates'. Seems lak I heared tell 'at once't 'pon a time
+'twuz the gabblin's of a flock of geese w'ich saved one of these yere
+up-state towns--Utica, or maybe 'twas Rome. I don't rightly remember now
+whut 'twas ailed 'at town; mebbe 'twuz fixin' to go fur William Jinnin's
+Bryant?--somethin' lak 'at! Anyway, the geese gits the credit in the
+records fur the savin' of it. An' ain't you never read whur a mouse
+comes moseyin' 'long one time an' gnawed a lion loose frum the bindin'
+snares w'ich helt him? So, ez I says, you can't never tell. But I wonder
+would you do me a small favor? I wonder would you read a piece out of a
+su'ttin book ef I wuz to bring it to you out of the liberary, an' w'en
+you'd done 'at ef you would go on to baid an' try to compose yore min'
+an' git some needful sleep?"
+
+"What's the idea?" he says.
+
+"Nummine," I says. "Wait 'twell I fetches you the book."
+
+So I goes and gets it down from the shelf where it belongs. It's the
+furtherest one of a long row of big shiny black books, which all of them
+has got different names. But the name of this one is: _Vet to Zym_.
+
+He takes a look at it when I lays it before him, and he says:
+
+"Why, this is a volume of the Encyclopedia! What bearing can this
+possibly have on what we've just been talking about?"
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you's no doubt of'en seen ole Pappy Exall, w'ich
+he is the pastor of Zion Chapel, struttin' round the streets at home in
+times gone by? Well, the Rev'n. Exall may look lak one-half of a
+baby-elephant runnin' loose, but lemme tell you, suh, he ain't nobody's
+bawn fool. One time yere some yeahs back he got hisse'f into a kind of a
+jam wid his flock 'count of some of 'em bein' mos' onhighly dissatisfied
+wid the way he wuz handlin' the funds fur to buy a new organ fur the
+church. Nigh ez they could figger it out, he'd done confisticated the
+organ money to his own pussonal an' private pu'pposes. Try ez they mout,
+they couldn't nobody in the congregation git no satisfaction out of him
+reguardin' of it. So one evenin', unbeknownst to him, a investigatin'
+committee formed itse'f, an' whilst he was settin' at the supper-table
+they come bustin' in on him an' demanded then an' thar how 'bout it? Wid
+one voice they called on him to perduce an' perduce fast, else they
+gwine start yellin' fur the police. Wid that he jest rise up frum his
+cheer an' he look 'em right in the eye an' he say to 'em, very ca'mlak:
+'My pore bernighted brethren, in response to yore questions I directs
+yore prayerful considerations to Acts twenty-eighth an' seventeenth,
+also Timothy fust an' fifth, lakwise Kings sixth an' fust. Return to
+yore homes in peace an' read the messages w'ich is set fo'th in the
+'foresaid Scriptures an' return to me yere on the morrow fur fu'ther
+guidance.' Well, they all dashes off fur to dig up they Bibles an' see
+whut the answer is. Bright an' early next mawnin' they comes back to say
+'at w'ile them is mighty fine-soundin' verses w'ich he bade 'em to read,
+still they ain't nary one of 'em w'ich seems to relate in any way
+whutsomever to a missin' organ fund. Then he smiles sort of pitiful-lak
+an' he reaches his fat hand down in his britches pocket an' he hauls out
+the money to the las' cent. The trick w'ich he had done played on 'em
+had give him a chanc't to slip out an' borrow 'nuff frum a couple of
+w'ite gen'elmen frien's of his'n fur to mek up the shortage. Whut he
+needed wuz time an' time wuz whut he got.
+
+"Now, Mr. Dallas, I aims to borrow a lesson frum the example of ole
+Pappy Exall. I asts you to set yere an' read a chapter out of 'is yere
+book. It don't mek no diff'ence to me w'ich chapter 'tis you reads, jes'
+so it's a good long one. I done looked th'ough 'at book the other day
+an' most of the chapters in it is long an' all of 'em is tiresome. You
+jes' read 'twell you gits good an' sleepy an' 'en you go on to baid an'
+refresh yo'se'f in slumber. An' in the meanwhile I aims to steddy right
+hard over these yere pressin' matters of your'n an' see ef I can't see
+the daylight breakin' th'ough somewhars."
+
+I can tell by his looks that he ain't got no hope of success on my part,
+but he's so plumb wore out from worrying that he ain't got the spirit
+for to resist me. He says to me he won't promise to read the book, but
+he will promise to try to lay aside his botherments and go to bed early,
+which that is sufficient for me.
+
+I leaves him there and I goes back to my room, after telephoning to
+'Lisses Petty that something important has come up at our place which
+will detain me away from him for the time being. And then, when I gets
+to my room, I sets down and takes off my shoes. It seems like I always
+could think better when my feet was freed from them binding shoes.
+
+When a nigger boy is fixing to run his fastest he's got to snatch his
+hat off and sail bareheaded; and I'm much the same way about my feet
+when I craves to think. So, my shoes being off, I just rears back and
+sets in for to give the problems before me the fullest considerations.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+_Vet to Zym_
+
+
+The way it looks to me, here is Mr. Dallas Pulliam, one of the most
+free-hearted, good-willingest young white gentlemen that ever lived,
+about to be throwed to the raveling wolves. He's elected to be the live
+meat, with a two-sided race on to see which one of the contesters can
+pick and clean him the quickest. And so, if he's going to be saved for
+future references, something is got to be done and done mighty speedy,
+too, else there won't be nothing left but the polished bones.
+
+I therefore splits up my thinking into two parts; first I studies a
+spell about the one proposition and then I studies a spell about the
+other. To tell the truth, though, I don't need to have so very many
+concernings over the case of Mr. H. C. Raynor. I did not let on to Mr.
+Dallas what was passing through my mind, but at the very same instant
+when he turned to me for help after telling about the row down-town at
+the oil offices with Mr. Raynor, I hit spang on what might turn out to
+be proper medicine for what ails the gentleman. It ain't so very long,
+setting there in my room by myself, before the scheme begins to sort of
+routine itself out and look like something.
+
+With regards to him I'm going mainly on the facts that he's like a lot
+of these here Northerners which ain't never been down South to speak of,
+and is therefore got curious ideas about the South in general. Long time
+before this I has took note that he thinks a colored person naturally
+enjoys being called "a dam black rabbit" or "a worthless black
+scoundrel" whilst he's waiting on white folks. Also, he can't seem to
+get over my failing to say "Yas, Massa" and "No, Massa" when Mr. Dallas
+asks me a question; and I can tell he's kind of put out because I don't
+go round speaking of myself as "dis nigga" this and "dis nigga" that and
+"dis nigga" the other thing. In other words, I ain't living up to the
+character of the imaginary kind of a Southern-raised black man, which
+he's been led to expect I'd be from reading some of these here foolish
+writings which they gets out up here from time to time.
+
+I knows full well what his sensations is in these matters, not only from
+the look on his face, but from one or two things which I has overheard
+him saying in times past. So now I just puts two and two together, and I
+says to myself that if he's entertaining them misled ideas about my
+race, he doubtless is also got the notion in his head that every quality
+white gentleman from down South, and more especially them which hails
+from Kentucky, totes a pistol on the flank and is forever looking for a
+chance to massacrete somebody against which he's took a disfancy. I
+remembers now that he asked me once how many feuds there was going on in
+our part of the state at the present time. Rather than disappoint him, I
+tells him several small ones and one large one. And another time he
+wants to know from me whether they ever tried anybody in earnest for
+shooting somebody down our way. Secretively, at the time, I pities his
+ignorance, but I ain't undertaking to wean him from his delusions,
+because if that's his way of thinking it ain't beholden on me to try to
+educate him different. Looking back on it now, I'm mighty glad I didn't
+try neither, because in the arose situation I figures that his
+prevailing beliefs is going to fall right in with my plans.
+
+Inside of half an hour I is through with him and ready to tackle the
+other matter, which is a harder one, any way you look at it. I takes my
+head in both my hands and I says to myself: What kind of a lady is this
+here one we got to deal with? With her raisings, what does she probably
+like the best in the world? What does she probably hate the most in the
+world? What would scare her off and what would make her mad, and what is
+it would probably only just egg her on? What would she shy from, and
+what would she jump at? Where would she be reckless, and where would she
+be careful? And so on and so forth.
+
+All of a sudden--_bam_!--a notion busts right in my face. Casting round
+this way and that for a starter to go by, I recalls to mind what I heard
+Judge Priest norrating years ago touching on a funny will which a rich
+man in an adjoining county to ours drawed up on his death-bed, and how
+the row over it was fit out in the courts, and with that I says to
+myself, I says:
+
+"Hallelujah to my soul, ole problem, I shore does believe I's got you
+whar the wool is short--dog-gone me ef I don't!"
+
+It's getting on towards eleven o'clock when I puts my shoes back on and
+slips in to see what Mr. Dallas is doing. He's still setting right where
+I left him, with the book in front of him. But his eyes, seems to me, is
+beginning to droop a little. Well, there ain't nobody living could
+linger two hours over that there old _Vet to Zym_ without getting all
+drowsied up.
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I thinks the daylight is startin' to sift in
+th'ough the cloakin' clouds. I seems to see a bright streak, in fact a
+couple of streaks. But, even so, I is got to be lef' free to wu'k things
+out my own way. Is you agreeable, suh?"
+
+"Jeff," he says, "I'm in your hands. There's no one else into whose
+hands I can put myself. What do you want me to do?"
+
+"Well suh," I says, "first I wants you fur to go tek off yore things an'
+git yo'se'f settled in baid fur the night. Tha's the starter."
+
+"Agreed," he says--"and then, what?"
+
+"Well, next," I says, "I don't want you to go down-town a-tall tomorrow.
+I want you fur to stay right whar you now is. In the mawnin' keep 'way
+frum the telephone. Ef I ain't yere to answer it jes' you an' Koga let
+it ring its haid off an' don't pay it no mind. In the afternoon you may
+have a 'portant visitor answerin' to the entitlemints of Mr. H. C.
+Raynor, Esquire. Befo' he gits yere tell you whut's to come off betwixt
+you two, purvided the perliminary 'rangemints, ez conducted by me, has
+wukked out all right. But I ain't aimin' to tell you the full plans
+yit--too much is got to happen in the meantime. Tomorrow is plenty
+time."
+
+"Just as you say," he says. "I'm going to my room now."
+
+"Wait jes' one minute, please suh," I says, as he gets up. "Mr. Dallas,
+you ain't ownin' no pistol, is you?"
+
+"What would I be doing with a pistol?" he says, sort of puzzled. "I
+never owned one in my life--I don't believe I ever shot one off in my
+life." Then a kind of a shamed smile comes onto his face. "Why Jeff," he
+says, "you aren't taking seriously what I said early tonight about
+suicides, are you? You needn't worry--I'm not thinking of shooting
+myself yet awhile."
+
+"I ain't worryin' 'bout 'at," I says; "I ain't figgerin' on you shootin'
+yo'se'f, neither I ain't figgerin' on yore havin' to shoot nobody else.
+Never'less, though," I says, "an' to the contrary notwidstandin', sence
+you ain't got no pistol, you's goin' to have one befo' you is many hours
+older--a great big shiny fretful-lookin' one."
+
+"What am I to do with it after I get it?" he says.
+
+"Mr Dallas," I says, "please, suh, go on to bed lak you promised me. I
+got a haidache now, clear down to the quick, jes' frum answerin' my own
+questions."
+
+I speaks this to him just like he is a little boy and I is his nurse.
+And off he goes, just like a wore-out, desponded, onhappy little boy.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+_Lady-Like!_
+
+
+As I looks back on it now, after the passing of two weeks or so, it
+seems to me I never traveled so fast and covered so much ground in all
+my born days as I did on the next day following immediately along after
+this here night before. For awhile you just naturally couldn't see me
+for the dust.
+
+In the first place, right after breakfast-time, I glides out and I
+scoots up-town and I puts up ten dollars for security and thereby I
+borrows the loan of one of his extra spare revolvers off of a
+yellow-complected person named Snake-Eye Jamison, which it is his habit
+to go round the colored districts recommending himself as the coroner's
+friend and acting very gunnery towards parties that he gets dissatisfied
+with. I don't know how many folkses he's killed in his life, but he
+must bury his dead where they falls, because I ain't never had none of
+the gravestones pointed out to me. But, anyway, he goes heeled on both
+hips at all times. But I makes him onload her before he turns her over
+to me, because I is not taking no chances on having that thing going off
+accidental and maybe crippling somebody. I totes this here large and
+poisonous-looking chunk of dark-blue hardware back to the apartment and
+stores it in a safe place where I can put my hand upon it on short
+notices.
+
+Then I waits till Mr. Dallas is in the bathroom with the water running
+so as to hide the sound of my voice, and I goes to the telephone and I
+calls up Miss Bill-Lee's[3] number over on Riverside Drive.
+
+She must've rose early so as to have her complexion laid on so it'll get
+set good before she goes out for the day; because it's her which answers
+my call instead of the maid.
+
+I tells her it's me on the wire and I asks her, as a special favor, can
+I run over to her flat as soon as it's agreeable, to speak to her on a
+very important matter? She says yes, so eager-like it must be she's
+expecting I'm fetching a present from Mr. Dallas same as I has done
+quite often before this. She says I can come at ten o'clock.
+
+Ten o'clock and I'm at the door. She's in her sitting-room waiting for
+me. She looks sort of disappointed when she sees I ain't brought along
+no flowers nor no candy nor no jewelry-box nor nothing with me; but she
+welcomes me very kindly. I don't lose no time getting going.
+
+"Miss DeWitt," I says, making my voice as winning as I can, "now 'at you
+an' Mr. Dallas is fixin' to git married to one 'nother I been wonderin'
+'bout what's goin' become of me in the shuffle. I 'preciates 'at he laks
+me fuss-rate; but he idolizes you so deeply 'at I knows he wouldn't keep
+on keepin' me nur nobody else round him widout he wuz shore 'at you
+laked 'em, too. Tha's what's been worryin' me--the question whether you
+felt disposed agreeable to me? An' so, after broodin' over the matter
+fur goin' on it's nearly a week, I finally has tuck the liberty of
+comin' to speak to you 'bout it. Yassum!"
+
+"Jefferson," she says kind of indifferent and yet not hostile, "I have
+nothing against you--in fact I rather like you. If your services are
+satisfactory to Dallas I shall have not the slightest objection to his
+keeping you on as his servant."
+
+"Thanky, ma'am," I says, "hearin' you say 'at frum yore own lips
+su'ttinly teks a big load offen my mind. I strives ever to please.
+'Sides, I got a mighty winnin' way wid chillen. I'll come in handy w'en
+it comes to he'pin' out wid the nursin' an' all lak 'at."
+
+She sets up straight from where she's been kind of half-laying down and
+some of that chain-gang jewelry of hers gives a brisk rattle.
+
+"Children!" she says, plenty startled. "What in the world are you
+talking about?"
+
+I answers back like I'm expecting of course she'll understand.
+
+"W'y," I says, "the chillen w'ich enshores 'at Mr. Dallas don't lose out
+none in the final cuttin' up of the estate," I says.
+
+By now she's rose bolt upright on her feet. All that languidsome manner
+is fled from her, and her voice is sharper than what I ever has heard it
+before.
+
+"What's that?" she says, quite snappy. "What's that you are saying? Do
+you mean to tell me that Dallas has been married before--that he has a
+child, or more than one child, hidden away somewhere?"
+
+"Oh, nome," I says, very soothing, "nuthin' lak 'at. 'Course Mr. Dallas
+ain't never been married--up 'twell now he's practically been
+heart-whole an' fancy-free. Yassum! I wuz merely speakin'--ef you'll
+please, ma'am, 'scuse me--of the chillen, w'ich natchelly 'll be comin'
+long ez purvided fur onder the terms of the ole gen'elman's will, you
+know. Tha's all I meant."
+
+"Will!" she says. "What will? Whose will? Here, you, give me the
+straight of this thing! I haven't the faintest idea what it's all
+about."
+
+"Now!" I says, acting like I'm overcome with a sudden great regret.
+"Ain't that jes' lak me, puttin' my big foot in it, gabblin' 'bout
+somethin' w'ich it ain't none of my affairs? Most doubtless, Mr. Dallas,
+he's been savin' it all up ez a happy surprise fur you. An' now, in my
+innocence an' my ign'ence, I starts blabbin' it fo'th unbeknowst. Lemme
+git out of yere, please ma'am, 'fore I gits myse'f in any deeper 'en
+whut already I is in!"
+
+She comes sailing across the floor right at me. Them big floating black
+eyes of hers seems to get smaller and sharper until they bores into me
+the same as a pair of sharp gimblets.
+
+"You stay right where you are," she says, commanding as a
+major's-general. "You don't leave this room until I get this mystery
+straightened out."
+
+"Please, ma'am, I'd a heap ruther you spoke to Mr. Dallas 'bout it," I
+says, pretending to be pleading hard. "No doubt in due time he'll
+confide to you all 'bout the way the property is tied up an' 'bout his
+paw's views ez 'spressed in the will, an' also 'bout the way the matter
+stands betwixt him an' his twin brother, Mr. Clarence, an' all the rest
+of it."
+
+"Twin brother!" she says, and by now she's been jolted so hard she's
+mighty near to the screeching point. "Where is this twin brother? I
+never heard of him--never dreamed there was such a person. Say, are you
+crazy or am I?"
+
+"W'ich 'at do settle it!" I says, very lamentful. "Ef Mr. Dallas ain't
+told you 'bout his twin brother neither, it suttinly is a shore sign to
+me 'at he wuz aimin' to purserve ever'thing ez a precious secret frum
+you fur the time bein'. I 'spects he'll jest more'n snatch me
+ball-haided fur this, Miss DeWitt. Please, ma'am, don't say nothin' to
+him 'bout my havin' give you the tip, will you?"
+
+"I don't want tips," she says, "I want facts. And I'm going to have them
+here and now--and from you! If you want to get out of here with a whole
+skin you'll quit your vague mumblings about wills and children and
+estates and twin brothers that I never heard of before, and you'll tell
+me in plain words the entire story, whatever it is, that has been held
+back from me so carefully. You tell it beginning to end!"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "jest ez you wishes, ma'am." I tries to make my voice
+sound like I'm scared half to death, which it don't call for no great
+amount of putting-on on my part neither, because she has done shed all
+her laziness and all her silkiness and all her smoothness same as a
+blue-racer sheds his skin in the spring of the year, and she's done
+bared her real het-up dangersome self before me. "Jest ez you wishes," I
+says, "only I do trus' an' pray at you'll purtec' me frum Mr. Dallases'
+wrath w'en he finds out I done spilt ever'thin' so premanture-lak."
+
+"Forget it!" she says. "It strikes me I'm the one who needs protection
+if anybody does. Now, without any more dodging or ducking you give me
+the truth, understand? No original embroidery of your own, either--the
+cold truth, all of it! And if I find out afterwards that you've been
+holding back a single detail from me----!"
+
+With that she stops short and pins me with them eyes of hers. I can't
+hardly keep from flinching back from before her. If she was a hornet
+it'd be high time to start one of the hands off to the nearest drugstore
+after the soothing ointments, because somebody certainly would be due to
+get all stung up. Rejoiceful though I is inside of me to see how nice
+she's grabbed at all the hints which I has flung out to her like
+fishing-baits, one after another, I'd be almost as glad if I was outside
+that room talking to her through the keyhole. But it's shore dependent
+on me to set easy and keep on play-acting and not make no slips. Things
+is going well, but they has got to go still better yet if she's to
+swallow down the main dose.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[3] Note.--It has just dawned upon Jeff's volunteer amanuensis that
+throughout the preceding pages of this narrative, Jeff's more or less
+phonetic rendering of this word was an effort on his part to deal with
+the Gallicized pronunciation of an English diminutive for a common
+proper name, to wit: _Billy_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+_Sable Plots_
+
+
+So I spreads out both my hands like as if I'm plumb cowed down and
+licked, and then I starts in handing out to her the yarn which I'd spent
+half the night before piecing it together in my mind. It's a mighty nice
+kind of romancing, if I do say so, and full of plausibleness, 'specially
+that part of it which is built up on what I remembers the old judge
+having told me about the curious case which come up that time in one of
+the adjoining counties. But the rest of it, including the most fanciest
+touches, such as Mr. Clarence and the old maiden-lady aunt and the two
+sets of triplets and all, has been made up to order right out of my own
+head, and I asks credit.
+
+And now, whilst I'm setting there telling it to her and watching her
+close to see how she's taking it, I'm praying to the Good Lord, asking
+Him will He please, Master, forgive me for onloading such a monstrous
+pack of what-ain't-so on an onsuspecting and worked-up lady. And at the
+same time I'm hoping the spirit of Mr. Dallases' dear departed father,
+which he was one of the nicest, quietest old gentlemen that ever
+breathed, won't come ha'nting me for low-rating his memory so
+scandalous. I knows full well he must be turning over in the grave
+faster and faster every minute which passes. I only can trust he don't
+see fit to rise from it.
+
+"Miss DeWitt," I says, "lissen, please, an' you shell know all: You see,
+ma'am, ever'thin' in this connection dates back to the time w'en Mr.
+Dallases' paw made his dyin' will some six or seven yeahs ago. 'Course,
+as you doubtless has learned befo' now, he lef' the bigges' part of the
+estate tied up."
+
+"I don't know any such thing," she says, breaking in again and even more
+savage-like than before. "Do you mean to tell me Dallas is not the sole
+master of his own property?"
+
+I sort of stammers and hesitates like I'm astonished that she don't know
+that part of it, neither. My hanging back only makes her yet more fierce
+to hear the rest.
+
+"Wellum," I goes on to say when finally I sees she's liable to blow
+clean up if I delays further, "the real facts of the case is 'at he
+ain't actually got no property a-tall, ez you mout say. He only draws
+down one-ha'f the intrust frum it. He don't get nigh ez much income,
+neither, ez whut folkses mout think frum his free way of spendin' his
+money right an' lef'. Ez a matter of fact, an' in the strictes'
+confidences, Miss DeWitt," I says, "he is mos' gin'elly alluz in debt to
+the trustees by reason of him bein' overdrawed. But, course," I says,
+"'at part of it ain't neither yere nor thar, is it? Ef Mr. Dallas wants
+to slather his money 'bout so fast that ever' dollar he spends looks to
+outsiders lak it's ten or twelve, tha's his bus'ness. Lemme git back on
+the main track. Le's see, now? I wuz specifyin' to you 'bout the will,
+wuzn' I?
+
+"Well, it's lak this: W'en folkses down our way heared the terms of the
+will they wuz a heap of 'em said the old gen'elman's mind must a-went
+back on him in his last sickness fur him to be layin' down any sech
+curious 'quiremints ez them wuz. Yassum, some even went fu'ther 'en 'at.
+Some went so fur ez to say it wuz the streak of onsanity w'ich runs in
+the Pulliam fambly croppin' out ag'in in a fresh place."
+
+"Oh, so it's insanity now!" she says. "The longer you talk the more
+interesting things I learn. Go on--go on!"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "I'm goin'. Yassum, they wuz quite a host of folkses
+w'ich come right out an' said Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence, ary one or
+both of 'em, would be amply justified in contestin' the will on the
+grounds 'at the late lamentable wuz out of his haid at the time he
+drawed it up. But no, ma'am, not them two! I figgers they knowed they
+own dear paw well 'nuff to know the idee w'ich he toted in his mind.
+'Sides w'ich, all the members of that fambly is sort of techy on the
+subjec' of the lil' trickle of onsanity 'at flows in the blood, w'ich, I
+reckin, they natchelly is to be 'scused fur that. An' ef one or the
+other of 'em went to the big cotehouse tryin' to bust up the will on
+the claim 'at the ole gen'elman didn't rightly know whut he wuz doin'
+to'des the last, it'd only quicken up the talk 'bout the craziness
+strain. An' so, on 'count of the Pulliam pride an' all, they jes' lef'
+it stand lak it wuz. An' 'en, on top of 'at, Mr. Clarence he turned sort
+of onsatisfactory in the haid an' he strayed off an' wuzn' heared of
+ag'in till yere recently. An' 'en, soon ez Mr. Clarence wuz found, Mr.
+Dallas he come on up yere an' you an' him met an'----"
+
+"In Heaven's name, quit drooling and get somewhere," she says, making
+her words pop like one of these here whip-lashes. "What did the will
+say?"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "yassum, I jest is reached 'at p'int, now. The will
+say 'at the estate is to be helt in trust fur the time bein' an' 'en
+w'en the two sons comes of age they is free to marry, only they is both
+bound to marry somebody or other befo' they reaches they twenty-fif'
+birthday. An' the one w'ich has the most chillen to his credit at the
+end of five yeahs frum his weddin' day, he gits the main chunk of the
+prop'ty, whilst the other is cut down to jest----"
+
+"The most children?" she says; only by now she's saying it so savigrous
+that she practically is yelling it. "The most----?"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "tha's it--the most chillen. You see, ma'am, they
+seems to run to chillen, someway, the Pulliamses does. When a Pulliam
+gits married, look out fur baby-carriages, tha's all. They don't seem to
+have chillen by driblets, neither, lak some people does. They is more
+apt to have 'em by triplets. They is two complete sets of triplets on
+record in times gone past, an' ever' generation kin be depended on to
+perduce at leas' one set of twins.
+
+"Or even more! Now, f'rinstances, you tek Mr. Dallas an' Mr.
+Clarence--both twins. Tek they father befo' 'em an' they maiden aunt,
+Miss Sarah Pulliam, deceasted--twins some mo'. Only, you never heared
+much 'bout Miss Sarah in her lifetime owin' to her bein' kep' onder
+lock an' key fur spasms of a kind of wildness comin' over her now an'
+then. Then ag'in, amongst Mr. Dallases' own brothers an' sisters, tek
+his two lil' twin sisters, not to mention the four or five singles w'ich
+come 'long right stiddy an' reg'lar. Yassum, it's been 'at way in the
+famby fur ez fur back ez the oldest inhabitant kin remember.
+
+"But the gineration w'ich Mr. Dallas belongs to, it turned out sickly
+fur the most part, an' so, by the time the ole gen'elman come to die,
+all his chillen had died off on him, 'scusin' Mr. Dallas an' Mr.
+Clarence, w'ich them two wuz all they wuz left out of a big swarm. Oh, I
+jedges the paw knowed whut he wuz 'bout! I reckin he craved 'at his
+breed should once more multiply freely an' replenish the earth wid a
+whole multitude of lil' Pulliamses. An' so he purvided fur a healthy
+competition betwixt his two sons to see----"
+
+"Wait!" she says. "Let me see if I understand you? You say that by the
+terms of that old maniac's will the bulk of his estate was tied up so to
+go eventually to the son who had the most children five years after
+marriage. Well, then, what does the remaining son--the loser--get?"
+
+"He gits a hund'ed an' fifty dollars a month fur life--I think tha's
+whut it come to," I says. "Mebbe it mout be a hund'ed an' sebenty-five,
+I won't be shore. An' he also draws down fifty dollars a month extry fur
+each chile he's got livin'. But tha's all. The home place an' the
+tobacco bus'ness an' the money in the bank an' all else, they goes to
+the winner, onlessen each one, at the end of them five yeahs is got a
+ek'el number of chillen in w'ich case the estate is divided even-stephen
+betwixt 'em. Yassum!"
+
+"Then why didn't both brothers marry as soon as they came of age?" she
+asks me, sort of suspicious. But I was expecting that very question to
+come forth sooner or later, and I was prepared beforehand for it.
+
+"Wellum," I says, "you see, I reckin Mr. Dallas figgered they wuzn' no
+need to be in a rush seein' 'at Mr. Clarence wuz so kind of
+ondependable. Ef the truth must be knowed, Mr. Clarence wuz downright
+flighty. He had spells w'en he'd furgit his own name an' go wanderin'.
+Yassum! An' right after he come of age he took a 'specially severe spell
+an' he sauntered so fur away they plum' lost track of him. It wasn't
+'twell last July 'at he wuz located ag'in. It seems lak he'd been
+detained somewhars out West in a sort of a home whar they keeps folks
+w'ich is liable to fits of chronic oneasiness in the haid. But now,
+suddenly, his refreshed memory had come back to him an' the doctors
+pernounced him cured an' turned him loose ag'in; an' the latest word wuz
+'at he wuz thinkin' 'bout gittin married down in Texas or one of 'em
+other distant places, out yonderways. So Mr. Dallas must a-realized 'at
+'twuz up to him to stir his stumps an' git hisse'f married off, too;
+'specially ez he had done passed his twenty-fo'th birthday the month
+befo'. Well, seemed lak, he couldn't find no young lady down home w'ich
+wuz suitable to his fancies, although some folks did say, quiet-lak, 'at
+they wuz a local prejudice springin' up on the part of parents ag'inst
+havin' they daughters marryin' him. But betwixt you an' me, ma'am, I
+never tuk no stock in 'at, 'cause most of the time Mr. Dallas is jest ez
+rationable ez whut you an' me is. It's only w'en he gits excited 'at he
+behaves a lil' peculiar-lak. Well, anyways, Mr. Dallas he come on up
+yere an' he met you. So now it looks lak ever'thing is goin' turn out
+all right, an' mebbe we'll beat out Mr. Clarence after all, in w'ich
+case Mr. Dallas won't have to be worryin' at the end of five yeahs 'bout
+whar he's gain' to rake up the cash to pay back the money w'ich he's
+overdrawed out of the estate, nur nuthin'. So that's how come me to
+mention chillen w'en I fust come in, ma'am. An' I trusts you
+understan's?"
+
+And with that I smiles at her like I'm expecting that now, seeing she
+knows all the tidings, she'll be jubilated over the prospects, too.
+
+But she ain't smiling--I lay she ain't got a smile left in her entire
+system. She's mighty nigh choking, but it ain't no happy emotion that
+she's choked up with; if you was a blind man you could a-told that much
+from the sounds she's making. She's saying things fast and furious.
+Remarks is just foaming from her; but the trouble is she keeps on
+getting her statements all jumbled up together so they don't make good
+sense. And yet, notwithstanding, I still can follow her thoughts. I
+catches the words: "_most_ children"--she duplicates that several
+times--and "twins" and "triplets" and "insanity" and "one hundred and
+fifty dollars a month." And all mixed in with this is loose odds and
+ends of language which seems to indicate she thinks somebody has been
+withholding something back on her or trying to take an unfair advantage
+of her, or something. She certainly is in a swivit. A little more and
+she'd be delirious--she would so!
+
+All of a sudden she flings herself out of the room, with her necklaces
+and things clashing till she sounds like a runaway milk-wagon, and she
+makes for the telephone in the hall, and I can hear her trying very
+frantic to get our number rung up. For a minute my heart swarms up in
+my throat; anyhow, some of my organs swarms up there where I can taste
+'em. I'm so afraid Mr. Dallas may forget his promise to me and come to
+the 'phone! If he does, the whole transaction is liable to be busted up
+just when I've strove so hard to fix everything nice and lovely. That's
+why my heart climbs up in my windpipes. But after a little bit I can
+breathe easy some more because it's plain, from what I overhears, that
+Central tells her she can't get no responsives from the other end of the
+wire. So then, after one or two more tries, she gives up trying and she
+comes back into the setting-room, still spilling mumbling words, but
+"children" continues to be the one she seems to favor the most, and she
+says to me that she has a message to send to Mr. Dallas, which she wants
+me for to take it to him.
+
+Still playing my part, I says to her I truly hopes there ain't going to
+be nothing in the message which will put Mr. Dallas in a bad humor with
+me. But she don't appear to hear my pleading voice. She's already set
+down over at a little writing-desk in the corner, and she's got a pen
+in her hand and she's writing away like a house on fire. The pen is
+squeaking the same as if it was in torment, and them five or six
+bracelets on her arm is clinking sweet music to my ear. I ain't no
+seventh son of a seventh gun, which they tells me they has the gift of
+prophecy laid upon them at birth, nor yet I ain't no mind-reader, but,
+even so, I says to myself that I don't need but one guess at the true
+nature of what 'tis she's writing.
+
+She gets through quite soon--there's only just one single sheet of
+paper, and she folds it up and creases it hard like she's trying to mash
+it in two, and she jams it in an enveloper and seals the enveloper and
+shoves it into my waiting hand, and she says to me:
+
+"There! Now you take this note to the man you work for, immediately!"
+
+"Yassum," I says; "is they any answer to come back?"
+
+"Answer?" she says, "No--no--_no_--NO!"
+
+So I goes right out, leaving her still saying it at the top of her
+voice. It seems to me it's high time to go, if not higher. Besides,
+it's mighty hard trying to carry on a conversation with an
+overwrought-up lady which she has only got one word left in stock, which
+that one is a little short word like "No."
+
+So I takes my foot in my hand and I marvils thence from there fast as
+ever my willing legs can take me. And as I goes along on my way,
+speeding 'cross-town bound for our quarters, I'm trying to think of a
+stylish word which in times gone by I has heard some of the white folks
+use as a pet name for a note from one loving soul to another. Pretty
+soon it comes to me--_billet doux_!
+
+I stops right still where I is at:
+
+"Bill-Lee do, huh?" I says to myself. "Yas, sometimes Bill-Lee do. But
+this time--glory, hallelujah, amen!--Bill-Lee do not!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+_White Hopes_
+
+
+When you is engaged in going to and fro in the world doing good deeds
+you certainly can cover a surpassing lot of ground in a short time. It's
+striking ten when I knocks at the lady's door; it ain't eleven yet, by
+the lacking of a few minutes, when I is home again and has handed over
+the note to Mr. Dallas and is watching his face whilst he reads it. He's
+got one of these here open faces, and I can tell, easy enough, exactly
+what thoughts goes through his mind. Mostly he's full of a great
+relief--that's plain to see--but mixed in with it is a faint kind of a
+lurking regretfulness that she should a-broke loose from him so abrupt
+this-a-way. If folks has got the least crumb of vanity in 'em it shows
+forth when a love affair is going to pieces on 'em. And Mr. Dallas is
+not no mite different in this matter from the run of creation. Even so,
+he's displayed more joysomeness than anything else when it comes to the
+end of what she's wrote him. He reaches out after my hand for to shake
+it good and hard and hearty.
+
+"Jeff," he says, "my hat's off to you--you're the outstanding wonder of
+the century. I judge it's hardly necessary for me to tell you what's in
+this note?"
+
+"I been able," I says, "to mek my own calculations, suh. I reckins ef I
+wuz put to it, I could guess."
+
+"How did you ever succeed in doing it?" he says.
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "the main p'int is 'at it's done--ain't 'at so,
+suh?"
+
+"Agreed," he says; "but there are hints here--hints is a mild word--at
+things I don't in the least understand. Now, for example----"
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "ast me no questions, please suh, an' I'll tell
+you no lies. Lyin' don't come natchel to me, ez you knows--I has to
+strain fur it."
+
+"Very well," he says, "have it your own way; I won't press you. The
+proof is in my hand that you accomplished what you set out to do; and
+seeing that I had no part or parcel in it I figure it's up to me to show
+less curiosity and more gratitude."
+
+"Nummine the gratitudes part yit aw'ile," I says. "Us is got a heap more
+to 'complish 'fore the sun goes down tonight. It's only jest a part of
+the load w'ich is been lifted--bear 'at in mind, suh. The case of Mr. H.
+C. Raynor is yit remainin' to be 'tended to."
+
+"You've already shown me what you can do, even though I'm left in the
+dark, as to the exact methods you use in these big emergencies," he
+says. "I'm still following your lead. What comes next?"
+
+All through this he's been walking up and down the floor like he was
+drilling for the militia. So I induces him for to set down and be still,
+and I proceeds to specify further.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "these here chronic Noo Yawkers is funny
+people--some of 'em. 'Cause they knows they own game they thinks they
+ain't no other games wu'th knowin'. 'Cause they thinks the Noo Yawk way
+of doin' things must be the only suitable way, they don't concern
+theyselves 'bout the way an outsider mout tackle the same proposition.
+To be so bright ez they is in some reguards, they is the most ign'ent in
+others ever I seen. Now, 'cordin' to my notions, w'en you gits 'em on
+strange ground, w'en you flings a novelty slam-bang in they faces, they
+ain't got no ways an' means figgered out fur meetin' it an' they's
+liable to git all mommuxed up an' swep' right off they feet."
+
+"Jeff," he says, "you have gifts which I never fully appreciated before.
+You are not only a philosopher but a psychologist as well."
+
+"Boss," I says, "you does me too much honor. So fur ez I knows, I ain't
+nary one of them two things w'ich you jest called me. I only merely
+strives fur to use the few grains of common-sense w'ich the Good Lawd
+give me, tha's all 'tis. Tubby shore, I got one 'vantage on my side: I
+kin look at w'ite folkses' affairs frum a cullid stan'p'int whar'as
+they kin only look at 'em frum they own. Ef the shoe wuz on t'other foot
+you doubtless could he'p me; but in the present case it's possible I kin
+he'p you. I's on the outside lookin' in, whilst you is on the inside
+lookin' out, ez you mout say; so mebbe I kin 'scover things w'ich you'd
+utterly overlook. The fly be-holes whut 'scapes the elephant's eye an'
+the minner gives counsel to the whale. Mebbe I ain't gittin' the words
+routined right fur to 'spress my meanin's, but, even so, I reckin you
+gits my drift, don't you, suh?"
+
+"I follow you perfectly, with an ever-increasing admiration," he says.
+"Go ahead. This look like our lucky day anyhow--let's press the luck!"
+
+"Yas suh," I says. "Now, f'rinstances," I says, "you tek the 'foresaid
+Mr. H. C. Raynor. Wen you spoke to him of lawsuits yistiddy he mouty
+nigh laffed in yore face, didn't he? Well, 'at shows he ain't got no
+dread of lawsuits. Prob'ly he's been mixed up in 'em befo'; most
+doubtless he knows the science of lawsuitin' frum the startin'-tape to
+the home-stretch. An' lakwise he'd have the bulge on you w'en it come to
+makin' figgers wu'k out lak he wanted 'em to, so he'd 'pear to be inside
+his rights an' you'd 'pear to be on the wrong side of the docket. I
+persume he's had a 'bundance of 'sperience in sech matters, w'ich you
+ain't. He knows his own system an' he knows you don't know it, w'ich
+fortifies him yit fu'ther. All right, suh, so much fur that. But
+s'posen, now, on the other hand, we wuz to layway him an' jump out of
+ambushmint at him wid a brand-new notion? I jedges he ain't got no
+rippertation to speak of, so losin' whut lil' scraps of it he mout have
+left wouldn't keep him 'wake nights worryin', 'specially effen he'd
+already salted away the cash w'ich he craved. But he do own somethin'
+w'ich he prizes most highly or elsewise I misses my guess--he's got a
+skin w'ich he's managed some way, by hook, or crook, to keep it whole up
+to now. An' ef right out of a clear sky he suddenly wuz faced wid
+prospect of havin' it all punctured up in mebbe fo', five, or six
+places, I figgers he mout start singin' a diff'unt song frum the one
+w'ich at the present 'pears to be his fav'rit' selection.
+
+"There's just one thing more," I says, "Prob'ly it's 'scaped yore
+'tention, Mr. Dallas, but I's been steddyin' Mr. H. C. Raynor off an' on
+an' I has took note 'at he's got some very curiousome idees in his haid
+'bout the kind of folkses you an' me is. Didn't it never occur to you,
+suh, 'at he thinks practically all Southern w'ite gen'elmen is a heap
+more hot-haided an' fiery-blooded 'en whut the run of 'em really is?
+Didn't it never occur to you frum his talk, 'at he figgers 'at most
+ev'ry thorough-bred Kintuckian is prone to settle his argumints wid
+fo'ty-fo' calliber ca'tridges? Well, I's read his thoughts 'long them
+lines, even ef you ain't, an' I'm shore I got him placed right. Tha's
+whut I'm countin' on now, suh," I says; "tha's whar'in lays our maindest
+dependince. Does you see whut I'm aimin' at, suh? Or does you don't?"
+
+He ain't needing to answer. His face is beginning to light up and his
+eyeballs is starting to dance in his head. So I knows the time is come
+for me to cease from preambling and get right down to cases. Which I
+accordingly does so.
+
+I tells him the greatest part of what I aims to do. I tells him what-all
+he's to do. I tells him what 'll be the signal for him to bust into the
+picture. I tells him how he should deport hisself after he's done so. I
+can tell him what should be done up to a certain point, but, past that,
+as I says to him, he'll just have to let Nature take its coarseness.
+
+I labors over him until I can tell he's getting his mad up--his hands
+begins to twitch a little and his jaw sort of locks and there's a kind
+of a reckless spunky look stealing onto his expression. That suits me. I
+wants him to be even more nervous than what he is now when the
+performance starts--the nervouser he is the better for our purposes.
+
+When his dander is worked up to suit and getting more worked-up and more
+danderish every minute, I leaves him there and I goes out into the hall
+and I rings up the oil office. One of the help answers to my call and I
+tells him to please get Mr. Raynor on the line right speedy. In about a
+minute his voice comes to me over the wire.
+
+"Hello!" he says, very sharp-like, "hello!--who is it?"
+
+"Mr Raynor," I says, "this yere is Jeff Poindexter, speakin' fur Mr.
+Dallas. He desires 'at you will please run on up yere to our place soon
+ez you kin git yere. He ain't seemin' to be hisse'f today an' so he
+ain't aimin' to come down-town. In fac', right now he's layin' down, but
+he p'intedly insists on seein' you 'mediately. He says it's most highly
+important. 'At's the message he tells me fur to convey, suh."
+
+"Well," he says, sort of grumbling, "it's getting on toward my
+lunch-time; but I suppose I could come. Tell him I'll be there in
+half-an-hour from now."
+
+"Yas suh," I says, "thanky suh.... Hole on, Mr. Raynor; they's jest one
+thing else." And now I lets my voice slink down, sort of cautious-like.
+"Mr. Raynor," I says, "I done deliver Mr. Dallases' word to you--now I
+wishes fur to say a lil somethin' on my own 'count. W'en you gits yere,
+please suh, come straight on up to the 'partmint widout bein' 'nounced
+frum downstairs an' walk right on in widout knockin' or ringin' the
+bell--the do' 'll be onlatched. I'll be waitin' fur you in the privit
+hall to 'scort you into the front room. I craves to speak wid you a
+minute, jest by ourselves."
+
+"What's the big idea?" he says.
+
+"I can't 'splain over the 'phone by reason 'at I mout be over-heared," I
+says; "but I allus has lakked you, suh, frum the fust--an' mebbe I mout
+give you a few p'inters 'at you sh'd oughter know befo'hand."
+
+"Oh, I see," he said. "There's been some loose talking going on up there
+and you've heard something you think might interest me, eh? Fine and
+dandy! Well, Jeff, you're wise to line up with me--it shows you've got
+sense. You won't lose by it, either. I'm always willing to pay the top
+market-price for valuable inside information."
+
+"Yas, suh," I says, "thanky, suh--'at's partially whut I wuz figgerin'
+on. I'll be hoverin' 'bout on the look-out fur you, suh, 'cause it
+shorely is mouty essential----"
+
+Right here I breaks off sudden, like as if I'd suddenly got scared that
+I might be eavesdropped on or interrupted or something.
+
+Well, the fruitful seed has done been planted. Almost before I has time
+to hang up and get up from that there telephone it seems like to me I
+can feel 'em organizing to sprout under my feet.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+_Pistol Plays_
+
+
+I has fully half an hour to wait and I puts it in going over the
+program, as it has already done been mapped out, just to make absolute
+sure nothing ain't been left out. There's one switch in the plans, which
+I decides to make it right at the last minute, mighty near it. This here
+decision is that I'll shove things along powerful brisk once we gets
+going good and under way; which naturally this means I've got to change
+my Riverside Drive system. But circumstances alters cases and what's
+side-meat for one is cold poison for another. The way I looks at it, it
+all depends on the anigosity[4] of the occasion.
+
+Now, with the lady, the best scheme, seemed like to me, was not to crowd
+the mourners, as the saying is, but just to lazy along in a weaving way,
+letting the specifications sink into her one by one and thereby thus
+giving her time to brood over each separate point as it come forth. But
+with him I figures the best plan is the quick-rushing plan. I figures
+I've got to take him short from the go-off and keep on shocking him so
+fast and so hard with promises of devastations that he won't have time
+to catch up with his thinking, and then at the proper time dash the
+mainest jolt of all right _bang_ in his face.
+
+But before that proper minute comes he's got to be rightly prepared in
+his mind for it. He's got to be hearing mournful music and muffled drums
+beating in his ears. He's got to feel an icy cold breath blowing on his
+overhet temples. He's got to have a raging fever in his forehead, but a
+heavy frost congealing his feet. And most of all he's got to have a sad
+picture dancing before his eyes of from six to twelve of his most
+intimate friends getting measured for white gloves. Just let them things
+come to pass, sort of simultaneous, and it's sure going to be a case of
+Sukey, bar the door, with our gentleman friend!
+
+Leastwise, that is the way I organizes it in my head whilst I'm setting
+in that there little hall of ours waiting watchfully. Before a great
+while I hears one of the elevators stopping at our floor and I hears
+slinky kitty-cat steps coming along towards our door. So I knows that
+must be him and I gets back and sort of squats in the side passage
+leading off into the service wing, so I can come slipping out like as if
+I was in a hurry to meet him as he come in, but had been detained.
+
+The door opens right easy and in slides Mr. Raynor, same as a mouse into
+a trap. I can almost see his nose wrinkling up like he's smelling of the
+cheese and craving to start nibbling at it. He looks round him and sees
+me and he gives me a meaning wink. I makes motions to him to be quiet,
+which that ain't necessary but it helps the play along for me to be
+plenty warnful in my manners; and then I tiptoes on up the hall towards
+the setting-room, leading the way for him; and he takes the hint and
+tiptoes along behind me. But at the setting-room door I slows up and
+steps to one side to let him pass on in first and that gives me a chance
+to spring the catch-bolt on the door behind us, unbeknownst to him. I
+takes his hat and coat, all the time rolling my eyes round on every side
+like I'm apprehentious somebody else might be breaking in on us from the
+back part of the apartment, and then I says to him in a kind of a
+significating whisper, I says:
+
+"Oh, Mr. Raynor, I been truly oneasy in my mind 'bout you--I'm mouty
+sorry 'at you come!"
+
+"Sorry?" he says, sort of startled. "Why, you telephoned me yourself."
+
+"Yas, suh, I knows I did," I says; "but I wuz only obeyin' awders--an'
+anyways 'at wuz befo' things begun to tek the more serious turn w'ich
+they has took. I'd a-halted you at the front do' yonder an' turned you
+back ef I could've, but I wuz delayed back in the boss' baid-room tryin'
+to argue him out of his notion an' tha's how come I didn't git thar to
+give you the warnin' word. Or," I says, "ef they'd a-been time an' I'd
+a-got the chance--both of w'ich I had neither--I'd a-ketched you on the
+telephone an' stopped you befo' ever you started up-town frum the
+office. So this move--tollin' you in yere an' fortifyin' you up,
+suh,--is the onliest other one I could think of," I says; "an' so, no
+matter how it may turn out," I says, "I want you to carry wid you the
+'membrunces 'at I done the level best I could fur you."
+
+"Say," he says, "what's all this palaver about?" He's speaking quite
+bluffy, but even so I can tell that the uneasiness is beginning to seep
+into his ankles. "Why shouldn't I come here? I was sent for, wasn't I?
+For that matter, why shouldn't I come without being sent for? I'm not
+worried about my position in this row--I'm safe."
+
+"_Sh-h-h!_" I says, "please, suh, _sh-h-h!_ Keep yore voice down," I
+says, "whutever else you may do. This ain't no time to be talkin' loud,"
+I says.
+
+"I'll swear I don't get you," he says. But he's took heed and now his
+notes is low and more worried-like. "I'm asked to come up here on a
+matter of business, as I suppose. I gather from your hints over the
+telephone you think you've found out something which I might be willing
+to give money for, as an exclusive advance tip. So far, so good; I'm
+always open to reason. Then I get here and you behave as mysteriously as
+a ghost and go _sh-h-hing_ about as though somebody was dead on the
+premises. What's the----"
+
+"Oh, Mr. Raynor," I says, "don't speak of nobody bein' daid on these
+premises. It sounds too much lak a dreadin' perdiction. Mr. Raynor," I
+says, "fur the sakes of all, please lis'sen an' lemme say my say whilst
+they's yit time!"
+
+"All right," he says; "go ahead. I won't interrupt again, although I
+still don't see why you should take the matter so seriously." But in
+spite of the fact that when he says this he's grinning at me I judges
+that by now the uneasiness has started crawling up his legs. It's one of
+them sickly, pestered grins.
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "all last night an' th'ough the early parts of this
+mawnin' Mr. Dallas is been carryin' on lak he was mouty nigh
+distracted. Frum words w'ich he lets fall, partly to me an' partly w'en
+he's tawkin' to hisse'f, I meks out 'at the trouble is on 'count of
+bus'ness dealin's 'twixt you an' him, an' also 'at he's harborin' a
+'special pet gredge ag'in you on 'count of somethin' or other. Fur a
+spell he tawked right smart 'bout a compermise settlemint an' 'at wuz
+whut I wanted to tell you pussonally in privit--'at the idee of a
+compermise settlemint wuz floatin' in his mind. He didn't sleep none
+las' night but he walked the floor stiddy till pas' daylight; an' all
+th'ough these mawnin' hours, seemed lak to me, he's been gittin' mo' an'
+mo' antagonized ez the time went by. Frum the symptoms I should a-knowed
+whut wuz brewin'. But I reckin I must a-been blinded, whut wid things
+bein' so out of kelter round the 'partmint. W'en he bidden me fur to
+call you up an' invite yore presence yere right away I still didn't
+'spicion the true facts. But right after I'd got th'ough telephonin'
+down to the office I went back to his room to say you'd be cumin'
+shortly an' ez I stepped in the do' an' seen him fumblin' in 'at
+dressin'-table drawer an' seen the rampagious look w'ich wuz on his
+face--oh, Mr. Raynor, suh, right 'en wuz w'en my heart upset itse'f
+insides my chist!
+
+"'Cause I done seen 'at look on his face befo' now; I seen it fo' yeahs
+ago, the time w'en 'at electioneerin' fuss of his wid the late Mr. Dave
+Townsend come up. At leas' once't I seen it on his paw's face an' I seen
+it mo' times 'en once't on the face of his uncle, Mr. Z. T. Pulliam,
+w'ich they called him Hell-Roarin' Zack fur short. It runs in the blood
+an' it ripens in the breedin'--'at look do. You don't never want to
+tamper wid a Pulliam--they comes untamped too easy! They goes 'long jest
+ez peaceable an' quiet ez a onborn lamb up to a suttin p'int an' 'en 'at
+look comes over 'em an' the by-standers starts removin' theyselves to a
+place of safety. They calls it the deadly sign of the Pulliam fambly
+down our way 'cause they knows whut it means--they's seen it loomin'
+th'ough the pistol-smoke too of'en. An' so----"
+
+"What sort of a bluff is this you're trying to hand me?" he says. But
+his face all of a sudden has turned just the color of chalk and his
+voice is quivering so the words comes forth from between his lips all
+sort of broken up. The man's looks don't match his language. "Are you
+trying to tell me there's gun-play threatening around here? Well, that's
+not done any more!"
+
+"You's right!" I says. "Wid the Pulliamses, after the fust shot, it
+ain't necessary fur it to be done any mo'--jest once't is ample! They
+lets go frum the hip an' they don't rarely nor never miss--I reckin it
+comes natchel to 'em. Oh, Mr. Raynor, I knows whut the danger is
+better'n you possibly kin! An' oh, Mr. Raynor, I's so skeered on yore
+'count--you havin' been alluz mouty friendly to me an' you still so
+young, too! An' I's skeered on Mr. Dallases' 'count lakwise, 'cause
+these cotehouse folks up yere they prob'ly won't 'preciate whut is the
+custom of our locality fur the settlin' of privit misunderstandin's
+betwixt gen'elmen. I'm most crazy in my mind, ez you kin see! Ef only I
+could a-got him cooled off an' ca'mmed down befo' you got yere! I tried
+an' I tried but 'twuzn't no use--it never is no use tryin', wid a
+Pulliam. An' even now ef only we could onduce him to hole off an'
+lis'sen to reasonable argumints frum you befo' he cuts loose! Oh, Mr.
+Raynor, I do hope an' pray he see fit to give you a chanc't to 'splain
+'way the diffe'nces! But, oh, I dreads the wust! 'Cause he's crouchin'
+back yonder waitin', wid his trigger-finger twitchin', an' w'en he sees
+you----"
+
+"Let me out of here!" he says. And though he says it kind of
+half-whispering yet he says it kind of half-screeching, too.
+
+And with that he makes a break for the door behind him, aiming to bust
+out down the hall. But it's locked.
+
+And with that, likewise I turns over a little centre-table and it goes
+down on its side with a bang, which that is the ordained signal agreed
+on previous, and I lets a yell out of me.
+
+"Oh, Lawsy," I yells, "it's too late--yere he is now!"
+
+And then Mr. Raynor ceases from pawing at the latch and spins round and
+plasters himself flat against the door-panels like he was pinned there,
+with his arms stretched wide and his fingers clawing at the wood-work.
+And here, in through the curtains of the library door comes Mr. Dallas,
+that's all, stepping light on the balls of his feet, with his eyes
+blazing and his hair all mussed-up, and down at his right side, it
+swinging loose and free, he's carrying that three-pound chunk of
+Snake-Eye Jamison's shootlery. I don't know whether it's the excitement,
+or the spell of the play-acting on him, or the righteous mad which is in
+him, but he looks so perilous I'm mighty near scared of him my own self.
+And even though he ain't never toted no pistol before in his life he's
+handling this here big blue borrowed smoke-wagon like he'd cut his
+milk-teeth on one. And I'm mighty glad she ain't loaded, neither; else
+he might start living up to the reputation I've done endowed him with.
+
+That's all, but that's plenty! As Mr. H. C. Raynor's knees begins giving
+way under him he starts in to pleading at the top of his voice. You
+could a-heard him plumb down in the street I reckon.
+
+"For God's sake," he begs, "don't shoot! For God's sake, don't shoot
+yet! Give me a minute--give me time to explain! I'll do anything you
+say, Pulliam--we can square this thing! Only, for God's sake, don't
+shoot!"
+
+By the time he's got this much out of him he's setting down flat against
+the door, with his legs stretched out straight in front of him and his
+feet kind of dancing on the floor so that his heels makes little
+knocking sounds. He looks like he's fixing to faint away. Maybe he did
+faint, but if he did, I know the faintfulness didn't get no higher up
+than his throat, because the last thing I heard as I went on out from
+there through the library, was him still babbling away.
+
+Up till the time I left, Mr. Dallas hadn't spoke nary word--just stood
+there wagging that there chunk of hardware in the general direction of
+Mr. Raynor and licking at his lips with his tongue, sort of eager-like.
+Well, thus far, it hadn't been necessary for him to say nothing--Mr.
+Raynor was doing enough talking for any number you might care to name,
+up to half a dozen.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[4] Note.--The word is believed to be one of Jeff's own coinage. It is
+left as written. Its meaning may be doubtful but who will deny that it
+is a good word?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+_Piebald Joys_
+
+
+It's maybe twenty minutes later on when Mr. Dallas calls to me to come
+to him and bring Koga with me, him saying the both of us is required for
+to witness an agreement which has been drawed up. Right then and there
+for the first and last time in my life, that there Japanee boy wins my
+admirations. He don't bat a single eye-lash as he follows me in where
+they is. He acts like all his life he'd been used to walking into a
+setting-room and finding two gentlemen there, one of 'em with a pistol
+and the other with a hard chill. He just sucks his breath in once or
+twice and starts smiling very pleasant upon one and all. I judges he
+must a-been brought up in a kind of a rough neighborhood over in his own
+country.
+
+Mr. Raynor has done rose up from the floor by this time, and is setting
+in a chair where he can be more comfortable; at that, he ain't seeming
+totally comfortable. His teeth and his hands and his feet keeps on
+misbehaving, and he looks to me like he's been losing considerable flesh
+even in that short time since I left him. His complexion also remains
+very bad. You'd say, offhand, here was a gentleman fixing to be taken
+down with a severe spell of illness, or else just getting over one and
+still far from well.
+
+He puts his name to a piece of writing which is spread out on the table,
+Mr. Dallas standing over him and sort of indicating the place to him
+with the nozzle of that there trusty old forty-four. He has some
+difficulty in getting his name set down by reason of him keeping
+flinching away from the gun and also on account of his fingers being so
+out of control. Then me and Koga likewise signs and whilst I is so doing
+I rejoices to note that the document is all done in Mr. Dallases'
+handwriting.
+
+When this has been attended to there does not seem to be no reason why
+Mr. Raynor should linger longer amongst us. He indicates that he craves
+to go but still don't actually go till Mr. Dallas gives him the word.
+For such a previously brash white man he certainly has been rendered
+very docile. And dumb--huh! Alongside of him guinea-pigs is plumb
+rambunctuous.
+
+I helps him on with his overcoat, which he has trouble getting into it
+by reason of not seeming to be able to stick his arms into the sleeves
+until after several tries; and such is his agitated feelings that he
+starts off forgetting his hat. I puts it on his head for him, him not
+saying a word but just staring about him kind of null and void, and now
+and then shivering slightly; and as he goes down the hall towards the
+elevator he's got one hand sort of pressed up against the wall for to
+support him on his way. If I'd been him I should a-went right straight
+on home and laid down for a spell. Probably that's what he did do. I
+know I ain't seen hair nor hide of him since and I ain't expecting to do
+so, neither, without we should run into one another by accident on the
+street sometime.
+
+As I comes back from the front door after seeing him safely off, Mr.
+Dallas is waiting for me in the middle of the floor with a grin on his
+face, which it mighty near splits his face in half across the middle. He
+lays down the agreement paper and the artillery so he can shake hands
+with me with both hands.
+
+"Jeff," he says, "for the second time in less than two hours let me
+tender you my earnest congratulations and my everlasting gratitude.
+Thanks to you," he says, "and you alone, I'm getting out of the
+double-barreled hole I was in, reasonably intact. What's gone I'll
+gladly charge up to profit and loss and valuable experience. What's left
+is a whole lot more than I had dared to hope it would be before you took
+a hand. When I look back on my feelings last night and contrast them
+with my feelings today--say, by Jupiter!" he says, "come to think of it,
+it's all happened between late dinner-time of one day and late
+lunch-time of the next! It doesn't seem possible! What can I do to
+square myself with you for the debt I owe you?"
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "you mout start in to please me by eatin' a lil'
+somethin'. Yore speakin' of lunch-time 'minds me 'at you ain't been
+right constant at yore meals lately. Whut you needs," I says, "is to git
+yore appetite back an' stow a smidgin' of warm vittles down yore
+insides."
+
+"Jeff," he says, still hanging onto my hands and pumping 'em so fervent
+it makes me feel right diffident for him to be doing so, "you're the
+doctor and your prescriptions suit me. Bring on the grub! Say it with
+chowders! We'll celebrate," he says, "over the festal hot biscuits!
+What, ho, for the wassail waffles!"
+
+And with that he goes prancing about over the room dragging me along
+with him, like he was, say, about nine years old, going on ten.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+_Headed Home_
+
+
+For a fact, that meal which he eats is more like a celebration than a
+regulation meal, but considering of everything, I reckon that's no more
+than what is to be expected.
+
+He's half way through with his second helpings of the lamb chops when he
+looks up at me where I'm standing back of his chair and he says to me
+with one of them old-time little-boy twinkles in his eye, like he used
+to have:
+
+"Jeff," he says, "you certainly can paint a fanciful picture when you
+set yourself to it. When I think of the blood-thirsty characteristics
+which you bestowed upon those devout and peace-loving ancestors of mine
+I have to stop eating and laugh again."
+
+"You must a-been lis'senin' 'en," I says.
+
+"I overheard part of the tale from behind the portieres," he says. "Oh,
+but it was great stuff, and highly convincing! Even in that crucial
+moment I could appreciate your deft touches."
+
+"You ain't knowin' the ha'f of it yit, suh," I says. "Wait till you
+hears tell 'bout them fictionary kinsfolks I's conferred 'pon you in
+'nother quarter an' how I endowed the whole passil of 'em wid the
+chronic failin' of bein' onreliable in the haid. I 'spects you'll want
+to use 'at pistol shore-'nuff in earnest 'en."
+
+"Not me," he says; "not me. I'll give three ringing cheers for your
+superior inventive qualities. If I had your power of imagination I'd
+charge admission," he says.
+
+"I'm glad you feels 'at way, suh," I says, "but I shore does aim to walk
+wide of the deceasted members of the Pulliam fambly w'en I crosses over
+to the fur side of the deep River of Jordan," I says. "I ain't cravin'
+to git in no jam wid any ole residenter angels till I's used to bein'
+one myse'f. I wonder," I says, "whut Mr. H. C. Raynor'd think ef he
+knowed 'at yore Uncle Zachary wuz a Persistin' Elder of the Southe'n
+Meth'dis' Church fur goin' on twenty yeahs?"
+
+"Never mind what he thinks now or hereafter," he says. "It's what my
+late partner did that counts. Anyhow, you didn't deceive him when you
+told him Uncle Zach's nickname."
+
+"'At did fit in nice," I says; "me rememb'rin', jest in the nick of
+time, 'at they called the ole gen'elman Hell Roarin' Zach by reason of
+his exhortin' powers w'en 'scribin' them brimstones an' them hot fires
+bein' so potent 'at the sinners could smell 'em an' shiver. Well, suh,
+tha's all part of my system: Stir a slight seasonin' of truthfulness
+into the mixture frum time to time an' it meks the batter stand up
+stiffer. An' also don't never waste a good lie widout you has to--save
+'em till you needs 'em. Tha's my motto, suh."
+
+"And I subscribe to it," he says, and he chuckles some more. In fact
+he's chuckling right straight along till he gets up from the table. Then
+he rears back in a chair and sets a cigar going. He makes me take a
+cigar, too, which it is the first time I has ever smoked in a white
+gentleman's presence whilst serving him. But this is a special occasion
+and more like a jollification than anything else. So I starts puffing on
+her when my Young Cap'n insists upon it; and then, at his command, I
+just lit in and told him all what had happened at Miss DeWitt's flat
+that morning and about a lot of other things--things I'd overheard and
+things I'd suspicioned--which it had not seemed fitten to tell 'em to
+him before this, but now both time and place appears suitable.
+
+Talking about one thing leads to talking about another, as it will, and
+presently I finds myself confiding to him the expective undertakings of
+the firm of Poindexter & Petty, which that is all news out of a clear
+sky to him, seeing as I'd kept this to myself as a private matter in the
+early stages. He says he'd sort of figured, though, I had something up
+my sleeves, by reason of my having seemed so interested in the
+moving-picture business and all. And though he don't say so, I judges he
+figures out, too, that here lately I maybe has refrained from speaking
+to him about my own affairs when he was so pesticated about his
+own--which also, more or less, is the truth of it.
+
+But now he's deeply interested and 'lows he wants to hear more. He
+states that while he's sorry on his own account that I is not going back
+home with him when he goes, which that will be just as soon as he can
+clean up things here and sell off the lease on the apartment and so
+forth, still, he says, he's glad for my sake that I'm going to stay on
+since I've got bright prospects ahead of me for to break into the
+business life of the Great City. Him saying this so kindly inspires me
+to go on and tell him all about our plans and purposes. I says that the
+outlook is that me and 'Lisses Petty will be ready to open up pretty
+soon, seeing as I has had word just two days before from Mr. Simons that
+he's almost ready to cut loose with his announcements in the papers. I'm
+going on further along this line when all of a sudden he busts in to ask
+me what about the old judge coming home in the spring-time from
+foreign-off parts and not finding me there to meet him?
+
+Well, sirs, that do fetch me up short with a jar! Because, if it must be
+confessed, I've got to admit I has been so carried away with my own pet
+schemes that the thought of my obligations to Judge Priest is done
+entirely escaped out of my foolish mind. I hates to draw back from them
+new ambitions of mine and yet, seems like, I can't hardly bear the
+notion of breaking my bounden promises to my old boss-man after the way
+we'd been associated together under the same roof for going on it's
+sixteen years. What with the one thing pulling me this here way and the
+other thing pulling me that there way, all of a sudden I now gets a kind
+of a choked-up feeling in my breast. I don't know whether it's the
+wrench at my heart or the strain on my wishbone. But it's there! So I
+ups and puts the proposition before the Young Cap'n and I asks what he
+thinks I should do?
+
+He studies a minute and then he says to me, he says:
+
+"Jeff," he says, "I'll tell you how I feel about it and if, in view of
+the lack of judgment I've shown recently in certain other matters, you
+still regard my advice as being worth anything, you're welcome to it.
+You believe you've got a chance to make good up here, don't you? Well,
+then, I believe it's your duty to yourself, regardless of almost every
+other consideration, to take advantage of that chance. And I'm positive
+Judge Priest will feel the same way about it when he learns the
+situation. I believe he'll gladly release you from any obligations you
+may owe him. In fact, knowing him so well, I'll bank on it. With your
+consent I'll write him tonight, a long letter, setting forth the exact
+conditions. How does that strike you."
+
+I tells him I is agreeable to that. But I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas, one thing more, please, suh? In yore letter tell the Jedge
+'at w'en he gits back, ef he finds the home-place ain't runnin' to suit
+him widout me on hand to he'p look after his comfort, w'y all he's got
+do is jest lemme know an' I'll ketch the next train fur home. Ef the
+bus'ness yere can't run herse'f aw'ile wid 'Lisses Petty alone on the
+job by hisse'f, then let the whole she-bang go busted--tha's all.
+
+"Lis'sen, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I got yit 'nother idee in my haid--I
+craves to demerstrate one thing! They's some w'ite folkses w'ich claims
+the run of black folks nowadays ain't got no proper sense of gratitudes
+nor faithfulness, neither. They claims 'at the new-issue cullid ain't
+lak the ole-timers of the race wuz--'at they furgits favors an' bre'ks
+pledges an' sometimes turns an' bites the hand w'ich has fed an' fondled
+'em. Mebbe they is right--I ain't 'sputin' they ain't, in some cases.
+But I is sayin' they is one shiny black nigger jest rearin' to prove the
+contrarywise so fur ez he pussonally is concern', w'ich I'm," I says,
+"him!
+
+"An' in fu'ther proof whar'of," I says, "I begs you to mek me a solemn
+promise, yere an' now. I asts you, please, suh, to keep yo eye on the
+ole boss-man an' ef he sh'd show the onfailin' signs of feeblin'-up an'
+bre'kin' down--w'ich is only to be 'spected, seein' ez he is gittin'
+'long so in yeahs--I don't want you to wait 'twell he notifies me
+hisse'f 'at he's needin' me. 'Cause the chances is he wouldn't do it,
+noways, effen he feared it mout mean a sacrifice on my part fur me to
+come to him. I wants you to send me the word on yore own 'sponsibility
+an' I'll git to his side jest ez fast ez them steam-cyars kin tote me."
+
+He says he is glad I feels thus-and-so about it and he gladly passes his
+word to do like I asked him, if the situation arises. With this here
+point settled he guides me back to tell him yet more about the prospects
+of Poindexter & Petty. Which I ain't needing much prompting there,
+seeing as the said projects lays close to my heart and my mind. I tells
+him we has reached the point where we is about to close the deal for the
+office. In fact, I says, I has been calculating some on running up-town
+to see 'Lisses about that very detail this same afternoon providing he
+don't need me round the apartment to do something or other for him.
+Whereupon he up and says an astonishing thing:
+
+"I'll go along with you if you don't mind," he says. "I want to have a
+look at this associate of yours and get his views. I'd like to do more
+than that if it can be arranged; I'd like to lend my aid in helping to
+put this enterprise on its feet--to feel that, in one way or another, I
+had a friendly hand in it. I'm your eternal debtor, you know, Jeff."
+
+"Go 'way frum yere, Mr. Dallas," I says, "an' quit yore foolin'. Whut
+bus'ness has you got gittin' yo'se'f mixed in wid a pack of
+nigger-rubbage? Whut would the rest of the high-toned folks down home
+say ef they heared of any sech goings-on 'pon yore part? Tell me 'at,
+suh?"
+
+"Never mind what they'd think or what they'd say," he says; "that's my
+look-out. Tell me the truth now, Jeff,--have you two boys got all the
+money you need to start you up and to keep you going until your agency
+begins to pay?"
+
+At that I has to admit to him that the prior expenses has been right
+smart heavier than what us two had figured on at the start-off.
+
+"That's what I rather suspected," he says. "Now then, I've got out of my
+own complications in much better shape than I'd ever dreamed I could. I
+still have a sizeable stake left. In fact I figure I've got just about a
+thousand dollars to spare. If you don't feel like taking a thousand
+dollars from me as a gift, or in part payment for your services to me
+during the past twenty-odd hours, why not take it as a loan without
+interest until you get on your feet, or until you've had ample
+opportunity to try this new venture out thoroughly--No, by Jove, I've
+got a better plan than that! I want to stick that thousand in as an
+investment along with you two boys. If I never get it back, or any part
+of it, count it money well-spent. I've made a number of other
+investments in my bright young life that didn't pay either, and I'll be
+drawing regular dividends on this one, even though they may not be in
+terms of dollars and cents. Come on--let's go see this friend, Petty, of
+yours. You can't keep me out of the deal on anything short of an
+injunction."
+
+What is you going to do with a hard-headed white man when he gets his
+neck bowed that-a-way? You is going to do just what we done, that's
+what you going do! So that's how come Poindexter & Petty is now got for
+their silent partner a member of one of the oldest families in West
+Kentucky and pure quality from the feet up.
+
+I has come mighty close to forgetting one other thing which happens
+before we leaves the place to go on up to Harlem. I is helping him on
+with his coat when he says:
+
+"Wait a minute! I want to write out some telegrams first. I want to send
+one to my lawyer, Mr. Jere Fairleigh, stating that the Prodigal will
+shortly be on his way back, and one to my cousin to have the home-place
+opened up for me--and one other. I've gotten rather behind with my
+correspondence lately; I'll do some letter-writing tonight. But I'll
+wire on ahead first. You call a messenger-boy, Jeff."
+
+I trusts I is not no spy but I just can't keep from peeping over his
+shoulder whilst he's writing out that there third telegram--which it is
+pretty near long enough to be a letter itself--and I is rejoiced in my
+soul to note that it's being sent to the one I hoped 'twas--and that's
+Miss Henrietta Farrell.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+_Last Words_
+
+
+Well, I got my Young Cap'n off this morning. I has to admit that I begun
+contracting a kind of a let-down feeling in my mind as the time drawed
+near for us to say our farewells to one another. You couldn't exactly
+call it homesickness nor yet downright sorrowfulness; it was kind of a
+mixed sensation, with regretitude and lonesomeness and gladsomeness all
+scrambled up together, and running through it, a knowledge that I'm
+going to miss him mighty much for awhile, anyhow. I certainly has grown
+powerful devoted to him since last summer and I knows full well that,
+from his standpoint, he must have similar regards towards me. I reckon
+our own kind of folks can appreciate how this attachment could a-sprung
+up betwixt us, even if most of these here Northerners can't.
+
+It must be that my looks more or less betrays my emotions as the parting
+time draws closer, because he keeps on speaking cheering utterances to
+me about other matters, without mentioning the nearby separation; which
+I appreciates the spirit behind his words as much as I does the words
+themselves. If I told it to him once at that depot I suppose I must
+a-told it to him a dozen times, to give my most respectful regards to
+the old boss-man when next he sees him. And he keeps saying to me I must
+write regular and keep him posted on everything in general.
+
+"I's shore countin' on seein' you down home next summer wen I comes down
+on a visit," I says; "I's already mekin' my plans 'cordin'ly. Mebbe," I
+says, "you mout ketch me sneakin' in even sooner 'en 'at, ef so be this
+yere bookin' agency bus'ness teks a notion to blow up on us."
+
+"I've got a conviction you'll make good," he says. "If the first venture
+doesn't pan out I'll trust in you to light on your feet somewhere
+else--I've seen you in operation, you know." Then he goes on, speaking
+now a little bit wistful-like: "You seem able to figure out a way to
+beat this New York game, by playing it according to your own set of
+rules. But I couldn't do it--I had it proven to me and the proof cost me
+money. I'm through--and ought to be glad of it. You're just starting."
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "I does my best. The way I looks at this town," I
+says, "is this yere way: Jest ez soon ez you gits over bein' daunted-up
+by the size of her, the best scheme is to start in lettin' on lak you
+knows mo' 'bout 'most ever'thin' 'en whut the folkses does w'ich has
+been livin' yere all along. That'll fetch 'em ef anything will, or else
+I misses my guess. This is the onliest place I knows of," I says, "whar
+a shined-up counterfeit passes muster jest ez well ez the pyure gold, ef
+not better, 'specially ef the gold happens to be sort of dulled-down an'
+tarnished-lookin'. The very way the town is laid out he'ps to clarify my
+p'int, suh," I says. "She's fenced in betwixt a bluff on one side an' a
+Sound on the other, an' she's sufferin' frum the effects of her own
+joggraphy. Jest combine in yore daily actions the biggest of bluffs an'
+the most roarin' of sounds an' she's liable to lay down at yore feet an'
+roll over at yore command. Leas'wise," I says, "them's my beliefs."
+
+"Probably you are right," he says. "Well, Jeff, try not to let these
+people up here spoil you and make you fresh and impudent. I don't
+believe they will, though."
+
+"Oh, but you is wrong thar, suh," I says. "I kin tek spilin' ez well ez
+the nex' one. Ef they aims to come edgin' 'crost the culler-line in my
+direction, I ain't the one to hender 'em. Whut they gives, I'll tek an'
+a bit mo'. Ef they ain't had the 'vantage of bein' raised the way you
+an' me is, an' wants fur to pamper me all up, I'm goin' to let 'em do
+so. Fact is, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I's gittin' pampered already. Lemme
+show you somethin', suh, in strictes' confidences--yere's a perfessional
+callin'-cyard, w'ich I had a lot of em struck off yistiddy at a
+printin'-shop over on Columbus Avenue." And I deals the top one off of
+the pack in my vest pocket and hands it over to him. "See whut it sez,"
+I says. "It sez, 'Col. J. Exeter Poindexter, Esq.'"
+
+"How did you work that arrangement out?" he says, smiling.
+
+"Mouty easy-lak," I says. "'Col.' is short for 'cullid', ain't it? So I
+jest shortens up 'cullid' into 'Col.' an' switches it frum the caboose
+end to the front end. An' I changes my middle name to 'Exeter' w'ich it
+has a mo' stylish sound to it 'en whut 'Exodus' had. An' I tacks on the
+'Esq.' at the fur endin' to mek it still mo' bindin', lak the button on
+a rattle-snake's tail. An' thar you is, suh!"
+
+"But you are not a colonel--yet," he says.
+
+"Whut's the diff'unce," I says, "so long ez these yere folkses don't
+know no better. They fattens on bein' deceived. An', anyway," I says, "I
+aims fur to cultivate the military manner. Mr. Dallas," I says, "don't
+mek no mistek 'bout it--I's gittin' fresh already, w'ich it is the
+customary custom yere, an' the chances is I'll git still fresher yit.
+But it'll be fur Noo Yawk pu'pposes 'sclusively. W'en I meets up wid one
+of my own kind of w'ite folks in these parts or w'en I goes back ag'in
+amongst my own folks down below the Line, I'll know my place an' my
+station an' I'll respec' 'em both; an' I'll be jest the same plain
+reg'lar ole J. Poindexter, Cullid, w'ich you alluz has knowed. Please,
+suh, tell Jedge Priest 'at fur me, too!" I says.
+
+The time comes for him to get aboard without he wants to miss his train.
+So we says our parting words. I reckons some of them white foreigners
+standing there gaping at us can't understand why it is that Mr. Dallas,
+and him a Southern-born white gentleman, should throw his arm around my
+shoulder at the farewell moment and pat me on the back. But then, of
+course, that's due to the ignorance of their raisings and probably they
+is not to blame so much after all.
+
+I will now draw to a close with the above accounts. Writing is a sight
+harder work than I thought it would be when I set in to do this
+authorizing, and I is not sorry to be shut of the job. Anyway, from now
+on, I'm a New York business man, which I counts on it paying better
+than writing for a living, if only I've got the right salt for
+sprinkling on the Luck-Bird's tail.
+
+I think I has.
+
+
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+No changes have been made to the original document. The following are
+documented to clarify the instances where the original book used
+variations of words or words spelled in a way to convey the speech
+pattern.
+
+1. Hungry city - possible typo for Hungary City
+
+2. homestick - possible typo for homesick (used in other places)
+
+3. Look how they mouty nigh broke they necks fur to usher you in in due
+state? - in in - possible typo
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36365-8.txt or 36365-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/3/6/36365/
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/36365-8.zip b/36365-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6df5940
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365-8.zip
diff --git a/36365-h.zip b/36365-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3e76cb8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365-h.zip
diff --git a/36365-h/36365-h.htm b/36365-h/36365-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d4cd24b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365-h/36365-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,7809 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin S. Cobb.
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+
+    p {  margin-top: .75em;
+         text-align: justify;
+         margin-bottom: .75em;
+         }
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {
+         text-align: center; /* all headings centered */
+         clear: both;
+         }
+    hr { width: 33%;
+	 margin-top: 2em;
+	 margin-bottom: 2em;
+         margin-left: auto;
+         margin-right: auto;
+         clear: both;
+       }
+
+    table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;}
+
+    body  {margin-left: 10%;
+          margin-right: 10%;
+          }
+
+    .pagenum  { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */
+            /*  visibility: hidden;  */
+                position: absolute;
+                left: 92%;
+                font-size: smaller;
+                text-align: right;
+              } /* page numbers */
+
+    .extraspace {padding-top: 4em; }
+    .center   {text-align: center;}
+
+    .caption  {font-weight: bold;}
+
+    .figcenter   {margin: auto; text-align: center;}
+
+    .figleft     {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top:
+                 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;}
+
+    .figright    {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;
+                 margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;}
+
+    .cap:first-letter {float: left; clear: left; margin: -0.2em 0.1em  0; margin-top: 0%;
+                 padding: 0;  line-height: .75em; font-size: 300%; text-align: justify;}
+    .cap {text-align: justify;}
+
+    .footnotes        {border: dashed 1px;}
+    .footnote         {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+    .footnote .label  {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;}
+    .fnanchor         {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;}
+
+    </style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: J. Poindexter, Colored
+
+Author: Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+Release Date: June 9, 2011 [EBook #36365]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="400" height="624" alt="Cover" title="" />
+<span class="caption"></span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<h1><i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i></h1>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><i>By Irvin S. Cobb</i></h2>
+
+<div class='center extraspace'><i>Fiction</i><br /><br /><br /></div>
+<div class='center'>
+J. POINDEXTER, COLORED<br />
+SUNDRY ACCOUNTS<br />
+FROM PLACE TO PLACE<br />
+THOSE TIMES AND THESE<br />
+LOCAL COLOR<br />
+OLD JUDGE PRIEST<br />
+BACK HOME<br />
+THE ESCAPE OF MR. TRIMM<br /><br /><br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><i>Wit and Humor</i><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='center'>
+ONE THIRD OFF<br />
+A PLEA FOR OLD CAP COLLIER<br />
+THE ABANDONED FARMERS<br />
+THE LIFE OF THE PARTY<br />
+EATING IN TWO OR THREE LANGUAGES<br />
+"OH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE!"<br />
+FIBBLE D.D.<br />
+"SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS&mdash;"<br />
+EUROPE REVISED<br />
+ROUGHING IT DE LUXE<br />
+COBB'S BILL OF FARE<br />
+COBB'S ANATOMY<br /><br /><br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center'><i>Miscellany</i><br /><br /><br /></div>
+
+<div class='center'>
+THE THUNDERS OF SILENCE<br />
+THE GLORY OF THE COMING<br />
+PATHS OF GLORY<br />
+"SPEAKING OF PRUSSIANS&mdash;"<br /><br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center extraspace'>
+<i>New York<br />
+George H. Doran Company</i><br />
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class='center extraspace'>
+<i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>By</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Irvin S. Cobb</i><br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='center extraspace'>
+<i>Author of</i><br />
+"<i>Old Judge Priest</i>," "<i>Speaking<br />
+of Operations&mdash;</i>," <i>Etc.</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>New York</i><br />
+<i>George H. Doran Company</i><br /><br /><br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='center extraspace'>
+<i>Copyright, 1922</i>,<br />
+<br />
+<i>By George H. Doran Company</i><br />
+</div>
+<div class="figcenter extraspace" style="width: 79px;">
+<img src="images/004a.png" width="79" height="77" alt="Publisher Logo" title="" />
+<span class="caption"></span>
+<br /><br /></div>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<i>Copyright, 1922</i>,<br />
+<br />
+<i>By The Curtis Publishing Company</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Printed in the United States of America</i><br /><br />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class='center extraspace'>
+<i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i><br />
+<br />
+TO<br />
+MARGARET ILLINGTON BOWES<br />
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="8" summary="Table of Contents">
+
+<tr><td align='left'><h2><i>CONTENTS</i></h2></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left' colspan='4'>CHAPTER</td><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td><td align='right'>PAGE</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>ONE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Down Yonder</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>TWO:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>North-Bound</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>THREE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Manhattan Isle</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_41">41</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>FOUR:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Harlem Heights</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_61">61</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>FIVE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Local Colored</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_88">88</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>SIX:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Gold Coast</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_94">94</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>SEVEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Country Side</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_103">103</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>EIGHT:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Dark Secrets</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_114">114</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>NINE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Movie-Land</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_120">120</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>TEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Black Belt</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_140">140</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>ELEVEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Afric Shores</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_151">151</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>TWELVE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Business Deals</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_162">162</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>THIRTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Private Life</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_167">167</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>FOURTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Oiled Skids</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_173">173</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>FIFTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Vet to Zym</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_193">193</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>SIXTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Lady-Like!</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_201">201</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>SEVENTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Sable Plots</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_210">210</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>EIGHTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>White Hopes</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_224">224</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>NINETEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Pistol Plays</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_235">235</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>TWENTY:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Piebald Joys</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_247">247</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>TWENTY-ONE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Headed Home</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_252">252</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>TWENTY-TWO:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Last Words</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_264">264</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h1><i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i></h1>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter I</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Down Yonder</i></div>
+
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>MY name is J. Poindexter. But the
+full name is Jefferson Exodus
+Poindexter, Colored. But most
+always in general I has been known as Jeff,
+for short. The Jefferson part is for a white
+family which my folks worked for them one
+time before I was born, and the Exodus is
+because my mammy craved I should be
+named after somebody out of the Bible.
+How I comes to write this is this way:</div>
+
+<p>It seems like my experiences here in New
+York is liable to be such that one of my
+white gentleman friends he says to me I
+should take pen in hand and write them out
+just the way they happen and at the time
+they is happening, or right soon afterwards,
+whilst the memory of them is clear in my
+brain; and then he'll see if he can't get them
+printed somewheres, which on top of the
+other things which I now is, will make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span>
+me an author with money coming in steady.
+He says to me he will fix up the spelling
+wherever needed and attend to the punctuating;
+but all the rest of it will be my own
+just like I puts it down. I reads and writes
+very well but someway I never learned to
+puncture. So the places where it is necessary
+to be punctual in order to make good
+sense and keep everything regulation and
+make the talk sound natural is his doings
+and also some of the spelling. But everything
+else is mine and I asks credit.</p>
+
+<p>My coming to New York, in the first
+place, is sort of a sudden thing which starts
+here about a month before the present time.
+I has been working for Judge Priest for
+going on sixteen years and is expecting to
+go on working for him as long as we can get
+along together all right, which it seems like
+from appearances that ought to be always.
+But after he gives up being circuit judge on
+account of him getting along so in age he
+gets sort of fretful by reasons of him not
+having much to do any more and most of
+his own friends having died off on him.
+When the state begins going Republican<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span>
+about once in so often, he says to me, kind
+of half joking, he's a great mind to pull up
+stakes and move off and go live somewheres
+else. But pretty soon after that the whole
+country goes dry and then he says to me
+there just naturally ain't no fitten place left
+for him to go to without he leaves the
+United States.</p>
+
+<p>The old boss-man he broods a right smart
+over this going-dry business. Being a judge
+and all, he's always been a great hand for
+upholding the law. But this here is one
+law which he cannot uphold and yet go on
+taking of his sweetening drams steady the
+same as he's been used to doing all his life.
+And from the statements which he lets fall
+from time to time I gleans that he can't
+hardly make up his mind which one of the
+two of them&mdash;law or liquor&mdash;he's going to
+favor the most when the pinch comes and
+the supply in the dineroom cupboard begins
+running low. Every time he starts off
+for a little trip somewheres and has to tote
+a bottle along in his hip pocket instead of
+being able to walk into a grocery and refresh
+himself over the bar like he's been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span>
+doing for mighty nigh sixty years, I hears
+him speaking mumbling<a name="FNanchor_1_4" id="FNanchor_1_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_4" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> words to himself.
+I hears him saying it's come to a pretty pass
+when a Kentucky gentleman has either got
+to compromise with his conscience or play
+a low-down trick on his appetite. Off and
+on it certainly does pester him mightily.</p>
+
+<p>But just about the middle of the present
+summer he gets a letter from his married
+niece, her which used to be Miss Sally
+Fanny Priest but is now married to a Yankee
+gentleman named Fairchild and living
+in Denver, Colorado. Miss Sally Fanny
+is the closest kin-folks the old judge has got
+left in the world; and she ups and writes to
+him and invites him to come on out there
+where she lives and stay a spell with them
+and then toward winter go along with her
+to a place called Bermuda which it seems
+like from what she says in the letter, Bermuda
+is one of these here localities where
+you can still keep on having a toddy when
+you feels like it without breaking the law.</p>
+
+<p>So he studies about it awhile and then he
+says to me one night he believes he'll go,
+which he does along about four weeks ago,
+leaving me behind to sort of look out for
+the home place out on Clay Street. My
+wages goes on the same as if he was there,
+and I has but little to do, but the place seems
+mighty lonesome to me without the old boss-man
+pottering 'round doing this and that
+and the other thing. I certainly does miss
+seeing the sight of him. Every time I
+walks through the front part of the house,
+and it all empty and closed up and smelling
+kind of musted, and sees his old umbrella
+hanging on the front hall hat-rack where he
+forgot and left it there the day he went
+away, I gets a sort of a low feeling in my
+mind. It's like having the toothache in a
+place where there ain't no tooth to have it
+in.</p>
+
+<p>And I keeps on thinking about the old
+days when he'd be setting out on the front
+porch as night-time come on, with some of
+them old-time friends of his dropping in on
+him, and me bringing them drinks from the
+sideboard, and them laughing and smoking
+and joking and carrying on; or else maybe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span>
+talking about the Confederate War and the
+Battle of Shiloh and all. But most of them
+is now dead and gone and the old judge is
+away out yonder in Denver, Colorado, a-many
+and a-many a mile from me; and all
+I can hear as I comes up the walk from the
+front gate after dark is the katy-dids calling
+in the silver-leaf trees and all I can hear
+when I unlocks the door and goes inside
+is one of them old chimney swifts up the
+chimney, going: "<i>Whoosh, whoosh,
+whoosh!</i>" I've took notice before now that
+an empty house which it has always been
+empty ain't half so lonesome for you to be
+in it as one which has been lived in by
+people you knowed but they have now gone
+entirely away.</p>
+
+<p>So, after about two weeks of being alone,
+I gets so restless I feels like I can't stand it
+very much longer without breaking loose
+someway. So one Sunday about half past
+two o'clock in the evening, I'm going on
+past a young white gentleman by the name
+of Mr. Dallas Pulliam's house and he
+comes out on his front porch and calls over
+to me and tells me to come on in there<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span>
+'cause he wants to talk to me about something.
+So I crosses over from the other
+side of the street and walks up to the porch
+steps and takes off my hat and asks him how
+he is getting along and he says he ain't got
+no complaint and he asks me how is I getting
+along my own self and I tells him just
+sort of toler'ble so-and-so, and then he says
+to me how would I like to take a trip to
+New York City? I thinks he must be funning.
+But I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"How come New York City, Mr.
+Dallas?"</p>
+
+<p>So he tells me that here lately he's been
+studying a right smart about going to New
+York and staying there a spell on a sort of
+a vacationlike, and if he likes it maybe he'll
+settle there and go into business. He says
+he's about made up his mind to take some
+likely black boy along with him for to be
+his body-servant and look after his clothes
+and things and everything and he's thinking
+that maybe I might be the one to fill the
+bill; and then he says to me:</p>
+
+<p>"How about it, Jeff&mdash;want to go along<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span>
+and give the big town the once-over or
+not?"</p>
+
+<p>I then sees he is not funning but is making
+me a straight business proposition. I
+thanks him and says to him that I has ever
+had the crave to travel far and wide and
+that I likewise has often heard New York
+spoke of as a very pleasant place to go to,
+by them which has done so, and also a place
+where something or other is going on most
+of the time. But I says to him I'm afraid
+I can't go on account I'm under obligations
+to Judge Priest by reasons of us having been
+together so long and him having left me in
+complete utter charge of our house. He
+says, though, he thinks maybe he can attend
+to that part of it all right; he says he'll
+write a letter to the Judge specifying about
+what's come up and he's pretty sure it can
+be fixed up so's I can go. He says if I don't
+like the job after I gets there, he'll pay my
+way back home again any time I wants to
+come, or when the old judge needs me,
+either one. He says he ain't adopting me,
+he's just borrowing me.</p>
+
+<p>I always has liked Mr. Dallas Pulliam,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span>
+him being one of the most freehanded
+young white gentlemen in town. Of course,
+off and on, I've heard the rest of the white
+folks hurrahing him behind his back about
+the way he's handled all that there money
+which was left to him here a few years back
+when his paw died. There was that time
+when he bought a sugar plantation down in
+Louisiana, sight onseen, and when he went
+down to see it, couldn't do so without he'd
+a-done a whole heap of bailing-out first, by
+reason of its being under three feet of standing
+water. Anyway, that's what I heard
+tell; thought I reckon it wasn't noways as
+bad as what some of the white folks let on.
+And there was that other time only a few
+months back when he decided to start up a
+buggy-factory. I overhears Judge Priest
+speaking about that one day to Dr. Lake.</p>
+
+<p>"That young man, Dallas Pulliam, certainly
+is a sagacious and a farseein' person,"
+he says. "Jest when automobiles has got so
+cheap that every hill-billy in the county kin
+afford to own at least one, he's fixin' to go
+into the buggy-factory business on an extensive
+scale. Next time I run into him I'm<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span>
+goin' to suggest to him that when the buggy
+trade seems to sort of slack up, ez possibly
+it may, that instid of layin' off his hands he
+might start in to turnin' out flint-lock muskets
+fur the U. S. Army."</p>
+
+<p>I suspicions that Judge Priest or somebody
+else must have spoke to Mr. Dallas
+along those lines because he didn't go into
+the buggy business after all. For the past
+several months he ain't been doing much
+of anything, so far as I knows of, except
+pranking 'round and courting Miss Henrietta
+Farrell.</p>
+
+<p>Well, white folks may poke their fun at
+him unbeknownst, but he's got manners
+suitable to make him popular with me.
+He's the kind of a white gentleman that's
+this here way: He'll wear a new necktie
+or a fancy vest about three or four times
+and then he'll get tired of it and pass it on
+to the first one which comes along. Moreover,
+him and me is mighty near the same
+size and I knows full well in advance, just
+from looking at him that Sunday evening
+standing there on his porch, that the very
+same suit of clothes which he's got on then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span>
+will fit me without practically no alterations.
+It's a checked suit, too, and mighty
+catchy to the eye. So right off I tells him
+if Judge Priest gives his free will and consent
+I'll certainly be down at the depot
+when that there old engine whistle blows
+for to get aboard for New York City.
+Which he then asks me for Miss Sally
+Fanny's address and promises he'll write
+out there that very night to find out can I
+go.</p>
+
+<p>It's curious how news does travel 'round
+in a place that's the right size for everybody
+in it to know everybody else's business.
+Before night it has done leaked out somehow
+that I is seriously considering accepting
+going to New York with young Mr.
+Dallas Pulliam; and by next morning, lo
+and behold, if it ain't all over town!
+Wherever I goes, pretty near everybody I
+meets, whites and blacks alike, asks me how
+about it and allows I'm powerful lucky to
+get such a chance. Mostly, in times gone
+by, when my race goes North they heads for
+Chicago, Illinois, or maybe Detroit, Michigan,
+or Indianapolis, Indiana. No sooner<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span>
+do they get there than they begins writing
+back saying that up North is the only fitten
+place for colored folks to be at; wages high,
+times easy, and white folks calling you
+"Mister" and everything pleasant like that.
+They writes that there is not no Jim Crow
+cars nor separate seats for colored at the
+moving-pictures nor nothing like that. But
+I has taken notice that after awhile most of
+'em quits writing back and starts coming
+back. Some stays but more returns&mdash;and is
+verging on shouting-happy when they
+crosses the Ohio River coming in. From
+what I hears some of 'em say after they gets
+home and has got a full meal of vittles inside
+of them, and so is got more time to
+talk, I has made up my mind that so far as
+my own color is concerned, the main difference
+from the South is this: Up North
+they calls you "Mister" but they don't feed
+you!</p>
+
+<p>Still, New York City ain't Chicago, Illinois,
+nor yet it ain't Detroit, Michigan; and
+besides, working for Mr. Dallas Pulliam,
+I won't have to be worrying about when
+does I eat next. Still, even so, I says to myself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span>
+that it won't be no harm to inquire
+round now that the word is done leaked out
+anyhow, and learn something more than
+what little I knows about New York City.
+But it seems like, outside of some few white
+folks, there is not nobody I knows who's
+ever been there, excusing a few head of
+draft-boys which went there enduring of
+the early part of the war; and they wouldn't
+scarcely count neither on account of them
+just passing through and not staying over
+only just a short time whilst waiting for the
+boat to start. Howsomever, they tells me,
+one and all, that from what they did see of
+it they is willing to recommend it very
+highly.</p>
+
+<p>One or two of the white gentlemen which
+I is well acquainted with, they tells me
+the same, too. Mr. Jere Fairleigh he takes
+me into his law office when I meets him on
+the street and speaks to him about it; and
+he gets a book all about New York down
+off of one of his shelves and he reads to me
+where the book says that in New York there
+is more of these here Germans than there is
+in any German city except one, and more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span>
+Russians than there is in any Russia city
+except none, and more Italians than there
+is in any Italy city except one, and more
+Hungarians than there is in any Hungry
+city at all, and so on and so forth. I says to
+him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Jere, it seems lak they is mo' of
+ever' nation in Noo Yawk 'en whut they is
+anywhars else. But they does not 'pear to
+be nothin' said 'bout 'Merikins. How
+come, suh?"</p>
+
+<p>He says he reckons there's so few of them
+there that the man which wrote the book
+didn't figure it was worth while putting
+them in. Still, he says I'll probably run
+into somebody once in awhile which speaks
+the United States language.</p>
+
+<p>"'Most every policeman does," he says,
+"I understand it's the law that they have to
+be able to speak it before they'll let 'em go
+on the force, so as they can understand the
+foreigners that come over from the mainland
+of North America to visit in New
+York."</p>
+
+<p>The way he looks&mdash;so sort of serious&mdash;when
+he says that, I can't tell if he's in earnest<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span>
+or not. I judges, though, that he's just
+having his fumdiddles with me. And then
+he goes on and tells me that the biggest of
+everything and the tallest and the richest
+and the grandest is found there and if I
+don't believe it is, I can just ask any New
+Yorker after I gets there and he'll tell me
+the same.</p>
+
+<p>So, taking one thing with another, I'm
+mighty much pleased when the word comes
+along in about a week from then that the
+old judge says I can go and sends me his
+best wishes and a twenty-dollar bill as a
+parting gift and friendship offering. He
+says in the letter, which Mr. Dallas reads
+to me, to tell me to be sort of careful about
+sampling the stock of liquor and cigars on
+the sideboard of any New York family
+when I'm in their house, and also not to
+start in wearing a strange Yankee gentleman's
+clothes without telling him about it
+first. He says people up there probably
+don't understand local customs as they have
+ever prevailed down our way, and if I ain't
+careful, first thing I know there'll be a
+skinny black nigger named Jeff locked up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span>
+in the county jail hollowing for help and
+not no help handy.</p>
+
+<p>But that's just the old boss-man's joke.
+He always is been the beatenest one for
+twitting me about little things around the
+house! Mr. Dallas he knows how to take
+what the Judge says and so does I and we
+has quite a laugh together over the letter.</p>
+
+<p>And lessen twenty-four hours from that
+time we is both all packed up and on our
+way, New York bound, me wearing one of
+Mr. Dallas' suits of clothes which I figures
+he ain't had it on his back more than five
+or six times before altogether. It's a suit
+of a most pleasing pattern, too. And cut
+very stylish, with a belt in the back.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter II</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>North Bound</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>NEXT morning after we gets across
+into Ohio, Mr. Dallas he fetches
+me into the Pullman car where
+he's riding. I finds myself more comfortable
+there than I has been riding up front
+in the colored compartment, but lesser easy
+in my mind. I enjoys the feel of them soft
+seats and yet I gets sort of uneasy setting
+amongst so many strange white folks. Still,
+there ain't nobody telling me to roust myself
+out from there and after a while I gets
+more used to being where I now is. Also
+I gets acquainted with two of the porters,
+the one on our car and the one on the car
+which is hitched on next to us. When they
+ain't busy, we all three gets out in the little
+porches betwixt the cars and confabs together.
+'Course I don't let on to them, but
+all the time I studies them two boys.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span>
+
+The one on our car, which his given name
+is Roscoe, is short and chunky and kind of
+fatted out; he's black as the pots and powerful
+nappy-headed besides. His head looks
+like somebody has done dipped it in a kettle
+of grease and then throwed a handful of
+buckshot at it and they all stuck. But he's
+smart; he knows what's service. I sees that
+plain.</div>
+
+<p>With Roscoe it's this way: A lady gets
+on board the car. No sooner does she sit
+down and begin to fumble with the hat-pins
+than there's old Roscoe standing right
+alongside of her holding a big paper bag
+in his hands all opened out for her to put
+her hat in it and keep it out of the dust. A
+gentleman setting in the smoking-room
+reaches in his pocket and gets a cigar out.
+Before he rightly can bite the end of it off,
+here is this here same Roscoe at his elbow
+with a match ready. Roscoe he ain't hanging
+back waiting for folks to ask him for
+something and then have them getting all
+fretful whilst he's running to find whatever
+'tis they wants. No sir, not him. He's
+there with the materials almost before they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span>
+is made up their minds what it is they
+craves next. He just naturally beats 'em
+to it; which I'll tell the world that's service.</p>
+
+<p>He's powerful crafty about his tips, too.
+When he does something for a passenger
+and the passenger reaches in his pocket to
+get a little piece of chicken-feed out to hand
+over to Roscoe, he smiles and holds up his
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>"No, suh," he says to him, "keep yore
+funds whar they now is, please, suh. There
+ain't no hurry&mdash;we're goin' travel quite a
+piece together. W'en we gits to whar you
+gits off, ef you is puffec'ly satisfied wid all
+whut has been done in yore behalf then you
+kin slip me a lil' reward, ef you's a-mind to."</p>
+
+<p>He tells me in confidences that working it
+that-a-way he gets dollars where he would
+a-got dimes. He calls it his deferred payment
+plan. He says some months his tips
+run three times what his wages is. I'll say
+that old tar-baby certainly is got something
+in his head besides sockets for his teeth to
+set in.</p>
+
+<p>The other porter, the one which is on the
+car next behind, is as different from Roscoe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span>
+as day is from night. He calls himself
+Harold. But I knows just from looking at
+him that he's too old for such a fancy entitlement
+as that. 'Cause Harold is a new-issue
+name amongst us colored, and this
+here boy must be rising of forty years old,
+if he's a day. This Harold is yellow-complected
+and yet he ain't the pure high yellow,
+neither; he's more the shade of a slice
+of scorched sponge cake. He's plenty uppidity.
+And I takes notice that the further
+North the train goes the more uppidity he
+gets. He quits saying "No, ma'am," and
+"Yas, suh," almost before we leaves Cincinnati.
+He quits saying "Thanky, <i>suh</i>,"
+and he starts saying "<i>I</i> thank you," in such
+a way it sounds like he was actually doing
+you a favor to accept your two bits. He
+starts talking back to passengers which complains
+about something. He acts more and
+more begrudgeful until it looks like it must
+actually hurt him to step along and do something
+which somebody on the train wants
+done. Along about Pittsburgh he's got so
+brash that I keeps watching for some white
+man to rise up and knock that boy's mouth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span>
+so far round from the middle of his face
+it'll look like his side-entrance. But nothing
+like that don't happen and I is most
+deeply surprised and marvels greatly. I
+says to myself, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Harold," I says, "I aims to git yore likeness
+well fixed in my mind 'cause I got a
+presentermint 'at you ain't goin' be 'round
+yere so very much longer an' I wants to be
+able to remember how you looked, after you
+is gone frum us. Some these times you is
+goin' git yore system mixed an' start bein'
+biggotty on yore way South an' 'en you is
+due to wake up at the end of yore run all
+organized to attend yore own fune'l. Yas,
+suh, man, w'en you comes to in Newerleans
+you'll a-been daid fully twelve hours. I
+kin jest shut my eyes right now an' see the
+cemetery sexton pattin' you in the face wid
+a spade."</p>
+
+<p>I talks to him about the way he acts.
+Course I does not come right out and ask
+him about it; but I leads him up to it gentle
+and roundabout. He tells me he don't aim
+to let nobody run over him. He tells me he
+considers himself just as good as they is, if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span>
+not better. He says he lives in a place
+called Jersey City where the colored race
+gets their bounden rights and if they don't
+get 'em they up and contends for 'em until
+they do. I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Harold," I says, "I ain't never been
+about nowhars much till this present trip
+an' I ain't never seen much, so you must excuse
+of my ign'ence but the way it looks to
+me, I'd ruther be happy amongst niggers
+then miser'ble amongst w'ite folks."</p>
+
+<p>He says to me ain't I got no respect for
+my color? I says to him I's got so much
+respect for it that I ain't aiming to jam myself
+into places where I ain't desired. He
+says that ain't the point; he says the point is
+that I is got to stand up for the entitled
+rights and privileges of the colored race. I
+says where I comes from I also has got to
+think about keeping from getting my head
+all peeled. He says to me I'll find out before
+I has been long up North that there is
+a sight of difference betwixt Kentucky and
+New Jersey. I says to him that most doubtless
+he is right. And then he says I should
+also be careful about speaking the word<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span>
+"nigger." He says the word ain't never
+used no more amongst colored folks which
+respects themselves. I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Huh!" I says. "Well, then, whut does
+you call a boy w'en you's blabbin' 'long wid
+him friendly-lak?"</p>
+
+<p>He says it is different when I is strictly
+amongst my own color, but that I mustn't
+never speak the word "nigger" in front of
+white folks nor never allow no white man
+to call me that and get away with it.</p>
+
+<p>I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Not even ef you is wu'kin' fur him an'
+he don't call it to you to hurt yore feelin's
+nor to demean you but jest sez it sociable
+an' so-an'-so?"</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Not under no circumstances whutsomever."</p>
+
+<p>I says:</p>
+
+<p>"How is I goin' stop him?"</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Wid yore fists. Or half of a loose brick.
+Or somethin'."</p>
+
+<p>I says to Harold:</p>
+
+<p>"Harold," I says, "you shore wuz right<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span>
+jest now w'en you norrated 'at they wuz a
+diff'ience betwixt Kintucky an' up-North.
+Well, live an' learn," I says, "live an' learn.
+Only, ef I aims to learn frum you I has
+doubts whether I'll live so ver' much
+longer."</p>
+
+<p>We talks some more about making
+money, too. It seems like the closer you
+gets to New York City the more you thinks
+about money. I noticed it then and I notices
+it since, frequent. He says to me that some
+of the boys in the sleeping-car portering
+business don't depend just on their wages
+and their tips alone. He says they has another
+way for to pick up loose change. He
+says he don't follow after it himself; he says
+he has got one or two other boys in mind
+which he has talked with 'em and knows
+how they does it.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Specify?"</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"The way these yere boys gits they money
+is 'at they gits it late at night after ever'body
+has done went to baid. Most gin'elly a man
+'at's travelin' he don't keep track of his loose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span>
+change. Anyhow, he don't keep near ez
+close track of it ez he do w'en he's home.
+He's buyin' hisse'f a cigar yere an' a paper-back
+book there an' a apple in this place an'
+a sandwitch in 'at place, an' he jest stick the
+change in his pants pocket an' goes on 'bout
+his bus'ness. Well, come baid-time, he
+turns in. We'll say you is the porter on his
+car. You goes th'ough the car till you
+comes to his berth. You parts the curtains
+jest ez easy ez you kin an' you peeps in
+th'ough the crack an' see ef he's sleepin'
+good. Ef his pants is all folded up smooth
+you better ramble along an' leave 'at man
+be. Folded pants is most gine'lly a sign of
+a careful man w'ich the chances is he knows
+how much he's got to a cent. But ef his
+pants is kind of wadded-up in the lil' hammock
+or flung to one side sort of keerless-lak,
+you reaches in an' you lifts 'em out.
+But fust you wants to be shore he's sleepin'
+sound. Them w'ich sleeps on the back wid
+the mouth open is the safetest."</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but s'posen' he do wake up an' ketch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span>
+you fumblin' 'round insides of his berth.
+Whut then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," he says, "tha's all purvided fur in
+the ritual. You sez to him: ''Scuse me,
+mister, I med a mistake. I thought you
+wuz the gen'lman 'at lef' a early call fur to
+git off at Harrisburg.' But most in gine'l
+he don't wake up. So you gits his pants out
+into the aisle an' goes th'ough 'em. Ef he's
+got somewhars 'round five dollars in loose
+change in his pockets, you teks fifty cents,
+no mo' an' no less, an' 'en you slips his pants
+back whar you found 'em an' go 'long. Ef
+he's got somewhars 'round ten dollars in
+chicken-feed an' in ones an' twos, you assesses
+him dues of jest one dollar even. Ef you
+plays yore system right an' don't git greedy
+they ain't one chanc't in a thousand 'at he'll
+miss the money w'en he wakes up. But," he
+says, "they's one fatal exception to the rule.
+W'en you come to him, don't touch a cent
+of his money no matter how much he's carryin'
+on him. 'Cause ef you do he's shore
+to mek a hollow the very fust thing in the
+mornin' an' next thing you know you's in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span>
+trouble an' they's beckonin' you up on the
+cyarpet."</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Wait a minute," I says. "Lemme see ef
+I can't name you the exception my own se'f.
+The exception," I says, "is the w'ite man
+w'ich he carries all his small change in one
+of these yere lil' screwed-up leather purses.
+Ain't it?"</p>
+
+<p>And he says yes, for a fact, that's so. But
+he says how come I is knowing so much
+when I ain't never done no portering my
+own self. And I says to him, a man don't
+need to be wearing railroading clothes to
+know that any white man which totes
+around one of them little tight patent purses
+knows at all times, sleeping or waking, just
+exactly how much money he's got.</p>
+
+<p>Well, when we gets to New York City
+it's morning again. When we comes out of
+the depot onto the street I takes one look
+round and I allows to myself that these here
+New York folks certainly is got powerfully
+behind someway with their hauling. Excusing
+the time we had the cyclone down
+home, I ain't never in my whole life seen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span>
+so much truck and stuff and things moving
+in all different directions at the same time.
+And people&mdash;<i>who-ee</i>! Every which-a-way
+I looks all I can see is a multitude of strangers.
+And I says to myself there certainly
+must be a big convention going on in this
+town for the streets to be so full of visiting
+delegates and it's a mighty good thing for
+us Mr. Dallas is done sent a telegram on
+ahead for rooms at the hotel, else we'd have
+to camp out with some private family same
+as they does down home in county-fair week
+or when the district Methodist conference
+meets.</p>
+
+<p>The white gentleman that's going to fix
+up what I writes, he told me that I should
+set down my first impressions of New York
+before I begins to forget 'em. He says
+they'll make good local color, whatever that
+is. Which I will now do so:</p>
+
+<p>The thing which impresses me first and
+foremost is a steamboat I sees on the river
+which runs alongside New York City on
+the side nearest to Paducah. She is not no
+side-wheeler nor yet she ain't no stern-wheeler,
+which all the steamboats I has ever<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span>
+seen before is naturally bound to be one or
+the other. As near as I can tell, she has not
+got no wheel at all, side- or stern-. It would
+seem that what runs her is a kind of a big
+hump-back timber which sticks up out of
+the middle of her hurricane deck and works
+up and down, and which Mr. Dallas tells
+me is known as a walking-beam. But it
+seems like to me that's certainly a most curiousome
+way to run a steamboat and I says
+to myself that wonders will never cease!</p>
+
+<p>And the thing which impresses me next
+most is a snack-stand on a sidewalk where
+they is selling watermelons by the slice&mdash;and
+it the middle of August!</p>
+
+<p>And next to that the most impressiveness
+is when I sees a gang of black fellows working
+on a levee down by this same river, only
+it's mighty flat-looking for a levee. These
+boys is working there roustabouting freight,
+and there ain't a single one of 'em which is
+singing as he goes back and forth. When a
+river-nigger down our way don't sing whilst
+he's loading, it's a sign something is wrong
+with him and next thing he knows he don't
+know nothing by reason of the mate having<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span>
+lammed him across the head with a hickory
+gad. But this here gang is going along just
+as dumb as if they was white. I wonders
+to myself if thereby they is hoping to fool
+somebody into believing they is white?</p>
+
+<p>I will therefore state that these three
+things is the things which impresses me the
+most highly on my first arrival in New
+York. I also takes notice of the high buildings.
+They strikes me as being quite high;
+but of course when you starts in to build a
+high building, highness is naturally what
+you aims for, ain't it?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter III</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Manhattan Isle</i></div>
+
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>THE day we gets to New York is the
+day before yesterday and we has
+been on the go so constant ever since
+and I has seen so much it seems like my
+ideas is all mixed up together same as a
+mess of scrambled eggs. The way it looks
+to me, the mainest difficulty with an author,
+especially if he's kind of new at the authorizing
+business, is not so much to find something
+to write up as 'tis to pick out the
+special things which should be wrote up
+and just leave the rest be. So it is now my
+aim to set forth the main points which
+sticks out in my mind.</div>
+
+<p>Well, first off, soon as we gets in, we goes
+to the hotel. Beforehand, Mr. Dallas he
+says to me it's a quiet hotel up-town; but
+when we arrives at it I takes a look around
+and I says to myself that if this here is a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span>
+quiet hotel they shore must have to wear
+ear-mufflers at one of the noisy ones if they
+hopes to hear themselves think. To begin
+with, she don't look like no hotel I've ever
+been used to. She rears herself away up in
+the air, same as a church steeple, only with
+windows all the way up, and although the
+weather is pleasant there is not no white
+folks setting in chairs under the front gallery.
+In the first place, there is not nothing
+which looks like a gallery, excusing it's a
+little glass to-do which sticks out over the
+pavement at the main entrance, and if anybody
+was to try setting there the only way
+he could save his feet from being mashed
+off by people trampling on 'em would be
+for him to have both legs sawed off at the
+ankles. You'd think that, being up-town,
+the neighborhood would be kind of quiet,
+with shade trees and maybe some vacant
+lots here and there, but, no, sir; it's all built
+up solid and the crowds is mighty near as
+thick as what they was down around the
+depot and in just as much of a hurry to get
+to wherever it is they is bound for.</p>
+
+<p>Even with all the jamming and all the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span>
+excitement going on they must a-been expecting
+us. The way they fusses over Mr.
+Dallas is proof to my mind that somebody
+must a-told 'em in advance that he belongs
+to the real quality down where we comes
+from, and I certainly is puffed up with
+pride to be along with him. Because if he
+had been the King of Europe they could not
+have showed him no higher honors than
+what they does.</p>
+
+<p>No sooner does we pull up at the curb-stone
+in front than a huge big tall white
+man dressed up something like a Knights
+of Templar is opening the taxihack door
+for us to get out; and two or three white
+boys in militia suits comes a-running at his
+call and snatches the baggage away from
+me; and another member of the Grand
+Lodge, in full uniform, is standing just inside
+the front door to give us the low bow of
+welcome as we walks into a place which it
+is all done up with marble posts and with
+red wallpaper on the walls and gold
+chicken-coops on every side until it puts me
+in mind of a country nigger's notion of
+Heaven. Over at the clerk's enclosure three<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span>
+white men is waiting very eager to receive
+us, which each and every one of 'em is wearing
+his dress-up clothes with a standing collar
+and long-tailed coat the same as though
+he was fixing to be best man at a wedding or
+pall-bearer at a funeral or something else
+extra special and fancy. For all it's summer-time
+there is not nobody loafing round
+there in his shirt sleeves&mdash;I bet you there
+ain't!</p>
+
+<p>One of the pall-bearing gentlemen shoves
+the book round for Mr. Dallas to write his
+name in it and the second one he reaches for
+the keys and the third one he looks to see
+if there is not some mail or telegrams for
+him. It takes no lessen a number than three
+of them white boys in the soldier clothes to
+escort Mr. Dallas upstairs and a fourth
+one he grabs up my valise and takes me on
+an elevator to the servants' annex. He don't
+have to run the elevator himself, neither.
+There's another hand just to do that alone
+and all my white boy is got to do is wrestle
+my baggage. It's the first time in my life
+ever I has had a white person toting my belongings
+for me and it makes me feel kind<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span>
+of abovish and important. Also, I takes
+notice that when he gets to my room he
+keeps hanging round fussing with the window
+shade and first one thing and then another,
+same as if he was one of the bell-boys
+at the hotel down home waiting on a traveling
+man. Course he's lingering round till he
+gets his tip. For quite a spell I lets him
+linger on and suffer. I lets on like I don't
+suspicion what he's hanging about that-a-way
+for. Then I slips him two-bits and I
+don't begrudge it to him, neither, account
+of it giving me such a satisfactory feeling to
+be high-toning a white boy.</p>
+
+<p>I says to myself that if this here is the
+annex where they boards the transom<a name="FNanchor_2_4" id="FNanchor_2_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_4" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> help,
+what must the main part of the hotel where
+the regular guests stays at be like? Because
+my room certainly is mighty stylish-looking
+and full of general grandeur. But I ain't
+got no time to be staying there and enjoying
+the furniture, because I knows Mr. Dallas
+will be needing me for to come and wait on
+him. So I starts right out to find him and
+it seems like I travels half a mile through
+them hallways before I does so. He's got a
+big setting-room all to himself and a fashionable
+bedroom and a special bath and a
+little special hall and all.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas, they shore must be monstrous
+set-up over havin' you pick out they
+hotel fur us to stop at. Look how the reception
+committee turned out fur you downstairs
+in full regalia? Look how they mouty
+nigh broke they necks fur to usher you in in
+due state? And now ef they ain't done gone
+an' 'sign you to the bridal chamber an' give
+you the upstairs parlor fur yore own use,
+mo' over! It p'intedly indicates to me 'at
+they sets a heap of store by you."</p>
+
+<p>He sort of laughs at that.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Jeff," he says, "if you think this is
+a fine lay-out you should see some of the
+other <i>suites</i> they have here."</p>
+
+<p>I says:</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't cravin' to see 'em. I done seen
+sweetness 'nuff ez 'tis. They su'ttinly is
+usin' us noble."</p>
+
+<p>He says they should ought to use us noble<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span>
+seeing what the price is they charges us.
+He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know what I'm paying here for
+the accommodations for the two of us? I'm
+paying twenty-seven dollars and a half."</p>
+
+<p>I says to him if that's the case he better
+let me clear out of there right brisk and
+skirmish round and find me a respectable
+colored boarding house somewheres handy
+by, so's to cut down the expenses, because, I
+don't care what anybody says, twenty-seven
+dollars and a half is a sight of money to be
+paying out every week.</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty-seven and a half a week&mdash;huh!
+Remember, Jeff, we are in New York now
+where everything runs high. This stands
+me twenty-seven and a half a day."</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Who-ee!</i>" I says. "No wonder they kin
+purvide fancy garments fur all the hands
+an' buy solid gold bars fur the cage whar
+they keeps them clerks penned up. Mr.
+Dallas," I says, "it shore is behoovin' on
+us to eat hearty th'ee times a day in awder<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span>
+fur to git our money's worth whilst we's
+boardin' yere."</p>
+
+<p>He says, though, for me not to overtax
+my appetite just on that account because the
+eating is besides; he says we pays twenty-seven
+dollars and a half a day just for our
+rooms.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas, let's git out of yere befo'
+they begins chargin' us up fur the air we
+breathes!"</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"You're too late with your suggestion;
+they do charge us for that. The air is all
+cleaned and cooled before it comes into
+these rooms."</p>
+
+<p>Then I knows for sure he is burlesqueing
+me. Who's going to hold the air whilst
+they cleans it? And the Good Lord Himself
+can't chill air to order in the middle of
+a August hot spell, let alone a lot of folks
+running a hotel&mdash;can He? I asks Mr. Dallas
+them questions.</p>
+
+<p>But he just laughs and say to me that
+there's not no need to worry, because he
+won't be staying there only just a day or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span>
+so. He says Mr. H. C. Raynor, which is
+his principalest friend in New York and
+the one which he's thinking about maybe
+going into business with, has done devised
+for us to hire some ready-furnished quarters
+still higher up-town. He says something
+about 'em being Sublette quarters in a department-house;
+leastwise that's what I
+makes out of what he says. That's news to
+me in more ways than one because, in the
+first place, I didn't know any of the Sublettes,
+which is a very plentiful white connection
+in our county, had done moved up
+here to live, and in the second place it
+seemed like to me there just naturally
+couldn't be no more up-town to New York
+City than what I already had done observed
+coming from the train.</p>
+
+<p>He goes on to say he is expecting to hear
+from the gentleman almost any minute now
+and then he'll know better what the program
+is. Almost before he gets the words
+out of his mouth the telephone bell rings
+and sure enough, it is this here Mr. Raynor
+which is on the wire, and it turns out that
+the place where we're going is ready for us<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span>
+now on account of the folks which owns it
+having gone away sooner than what they
+expected, and the further tidings is that we
+can move up there that same day, which we
+does&mdash;along about an hour before supper-time.
+I notices they don't make near as
+much fuss over us going thence from there
+as they did whilst ushering of us in. I
+judges the man what owns the hotel must
+be feeling kind of put-out about losing of
+all that there money which we'd be paying
+him had we a-stayed on.</p>
+
+<p>We gets into a taxihack and we rides for
+what seems like to me it's several miles and
+still are not nowheres near the outskirts as
+far as I can judge, and when finally we
+gets to the new location I has another astonishment.
+For here all day I've been
+expecting we'd land at a private residence
+but this place to which we've come at don't
+look like no private residence to me. It's
+more like the hotel we just left only more
+bigger and mighty near as tall. In all other
+respects additional it certainly is a grand
+establishment.</p>
+
+<p>It's got a kind of a private road so's carriages<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span>
+can drive in under shelter off the
+sidewalk and 'way back inside is a round
+piece of ground all fixed up with solid
+marble benches and little cedar trees and
+flowerbeds, like a cemetery. I thinks to
+myself that maybe this here is the private
+burying-plot for the owner's family; but
+still there ain't no tombstones in sight excepting
+one over the front door with words
+cut on it, and since I figures I has done
+showed ignorance enough for one day, I
+don't ask no fool questions about it. The
+help here also wears fancy clothes, but is
+my own color. I'm glad of that because I
+counts now on having some black folks to
+get acquainted with and to talk to; but just
+as soon as one of 'em opens his mouth and
+speaks I knows they is not my kind even if
+they is my complexion. Because he don't
+talk like no white folks ever I knowed and
+yet he don't talk like none of the black folks
+does at home. Still, just from his conversation
+I can place him. There was two just
+like him which was brought along once by
+a Northern family staying in our town but
+they didn't linger long amongst us. They<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span>
+didn't like the place and no more the place
+didn't like them. They claimed they was
+genuine West Indians, whatever that is, and
+they made their brags constant that they
+also was British subjects. But Aunt Dilsey
+Turner she always said they looked more
+like objects to her. Aunt Dilsey, which she
+was Judge Priest's cook for going on twenty
+years, is mighty plain-spoken about folks
+and things which she don't fancy. And she
+did not fancy these two none whatsomever.</p>
+
+<p>When we gets upstairs to our section I'm
+sort of disappointed in it. The furniture
+ain't new and shiny like what I naturally
+expected 'twould be. Most of it is kind of
+old and dingy and hacked-up-looking. The
+curtains at the setting-room windows is all
+frayed-like and mighty near wore through
+in spots. And the Sublette family must
+a-run out of money before they got round to
+buying the carpets because they is not no
+carpets at all but only a passel of old faded
+rugs scattered about the floor here and
+there. Some of the chairs&mdash;the best company
+chairs, too&mdash;is so old they is actually
+decrepit. I'd say that by rights they belonged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span>
+in a second-hand store, or leastways
+up in the attic. Moreover, they ain't no upstairs
+to our department nor yet there is not
+no downstairs nor no cellar, but instead,
+everything, kitchen, pantry, and the rooms
+for the help and all, runs on one floor. But
+Mr. Dallas he deports himself like he is
+satisfied and it ain't for me to be finding
+fault if he sees fitten not to find any.</p>
+
+<p>Anyway, I is so busy for a little while
+flying round and getting things unpacked
+that I has no time to utter complaints.
+Pretty soon, though, I has to knock off
+hanging up Mr. Dallas' suits to mix a batch
+of cocktails from the private stock he has
+brought along with him in one of his trunks,
+because this here Mr. Raynor he telephones
+he's bringing some of his friends for a round
+of drinks with Mr. Dallas and then Mr.
+Raynor says they'll ride out in his motor-car
+to a road-house to get 'em some dinner.
+I takes his message off the telephone and I
+knows that's what he says, surprising though
+it do sound.</p>
+
+<p>That's a couple of new ones on me&mdash;eating
+dinner when it's already mighty near<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span>
+past supper-time and eating it at a road-house,
+too! I says to myself that New York
+City is getting to act more curiouser to me
+every minute I stays in it. Because the
+only road-house ever I knowed of by that
+name used to stand alongside the toll-gate
+just outside the corporation limits on the
+Mayfield road and the old white man
+which collected the tolls lived in it, his
+name being Mr. Gip Bayless. But the gate
+is done torn down since the public government
+taken over the gravel roads, and anyhow,
+even in its most palmiest days, none of
+the quality wouldn't never think of stopping
+there at that little old rusty house for their
+vittles. They'd mighty near as soon think
+of having a picnic at the pest-house.</p>
+
+<p>Still and notwithstanding, Mr. Dallas
+ain't indicating no surprise when I conveys
+to him what Mr. Raynor says, so I reflects
+to myself that if toll-gate houses up here is
+in proportion to everything else this one
+which they're aiming to go to, must probably
+be about the size of a county courthouse,
+with a slate roof on it and doubtless
+a cupola. So I just gets busy and mingles<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span>
+up a batch of powerful tasty cocktails in the
+shaker. I knows they is tasty from a couple
+of private samples which I pours off for
+myself out in the pantry. My experience
+has been that the only way you can tell is a
+cocktail just right is to taste it from time to
+time as you goes along.</p>
+
+<p>Immediately soon here comes Mr. Raynor
+with his friends which there is four of
+them, besides himself&mdash;one other gentleman
+named Bellows and three ladies. One of
+the ladies is older than the other two, but
+decorated more younger, if anything, than
+what they is. Introducing her to Mr. Dallas,
+Mr. Raynor says her name is Mrs. Gaylord
+but they all calls her Jerry. She's
+pretty near entirely out of eyebrows, but she
+has got more than a bushel of hair which is
+all kind of frozen-looking and curled up
+tight on her head. It don't look natural to
+me and I knows it ain't natural a little bit
+later when Mr. Raynor sets down on the
+arm of her chair and throws his arm around
+her sort of offhand and sociable-like, and
+she up and tells him for Heaven's sake to be
+careful and not muss her up because she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span>
+says she's only just that day spent forty dollars
+and four hours getting a permanent
+wave put in.</p>
+
+<p>At that I says to myself, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, betwixt w'ites an' blacks we su'ttinly
+is mekin' the world safe fur them
+beauty doctors. Niggers down South
+spendin' all the money they kin rake an'
+scrape togither gittin' the kinkiness tuck out
+of they haids an' fashionable ladies up yere
+spendin' their'n gittin' it put in! It's a compliment
+to one race or the other, but jest
+w'ich I ain't purpared to say."</p>
+
+<p>The other ladies is named Miss O'Brien
+and Miss DeWitt but it's kind of hard for
+me at first to remember which from which
+seeing that the rest of the party scarcely
+ever calls 'em anything except Pat and Bill-Lee.
+They is both mighty nice and friendly
+but they is exclusively different one from
+the other. Miss Pat she's got her hair
+chopped off short like a little boy's and she
+acts kind of like a boy does, too&mdash;free and
+easy and laughing a lot and smoking a cigarette
+so natural that it's like as if she must
+a-been born with one in her mouth and it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span>
+lighted. And yet for all that, I seems to
+get the impression that way down underneath
+she's kind of tired of herself and
+everything around her.</p>
+
+<p>But this here Miss DeWitt she is tall and
+slender and kind of quiet. She must a-been
+feeling poorly lately because her face is
+just dead-white and her lips is still bright
+red from the fever and when she sets down
+in a chair she just seems to kind of fall back
+into it, all limp-like. She ain't saying much
+with her mouth but she does a sight of talking
+with her eyes which is big and black
+and sort of lazy-like most of the
+time. She sure is decked up with jewelry
+like the Queen of Sheba, too. She's got big
+heavy necklaces round her neck and great
+long ear-rings in her ears and many bracelets
+on both her arms. She's even got two
+big bracelets clamped round one of her
+ankles, which I judges she didn't have room
+for 'em nowheres else and so put 'em there
+to keep from losing 'em; and when she
+moves the jewelry all jingles freely and advertises
+her. She walks with a kind of a
+limber swimming gait, soft and glideful; of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span>
+course it ain't exactly like swimming and
+yet that's the only way I can designate what
+her walking puts me in mind of. She wears
+dead black clothes and that makes her paleness
+seem all the more so.</p>
+
+<p>Right from the first jump I can see that
+Mr. Dallas is drawed to her powerful, and
+I thinks to myself that if he's fixing to favor
+this here languid lady with his attentions it
+proves he's got a changeable taste because
+she ain't nothing at all similar to Miss Henrietta
+Farrell, which she is the one that he's
+been courting these past few months down
+in Kentucky. In fact, she's most teetotally
+unsimilar.</p>
+
+<p>This Mr. Bellows which came with Mr.
+Raynor he don't detain my attention much.
+If he wasn't there you wouldn't scarcely
+miss him; and when he is there you don't
+scarcely observe him. He makes me think
+of a neat haircut and nothing else. You
+just appreciate him being present and that's
+all. But I studies Mr. Raynor every chance
+I gets, the more especially because he's the
+one which is more or less responsible for us
+having come North. He's very cheering in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span>
+his ways; laughing and whooping out loud
+at everything and poking fun and telling
+Mr. Dallas that he must be good friends
+with Mr. Bellows and the three ladies because
+they is all four of 'em his friends.
+But I takes note that when he laughs he
+don't laugh with his eyes but only with his
+mouth, and when he sort of smiles to himself,
+quiet-like, it puts me in mind of a man
+drawing a knife. I can't keep from having
+a kind of a feeling when I looks at him!</p>
+
+<p>Well, they imbibes up all the cocktails
+that I has waiting for them and a batch
+more which I makes by request and then
+they packs up a couple of bottles&mdash;one
+Scotch and one Bourbon&mdash;to take along
+with 'em for to refresh themselves with at
+the road-house and off they puts. And the
+last thing I hears as they goes down the hall
+is Mr. Raynor still laughing from off the
+top of his palates and the sickly one, Miss
+DeWitt's necklaces and things all jingling
+like a road-gang. Mr. Dallas he calls back
+to me from the elevator that I needn't wait
+up for him because it is liable to be pretty
+late when he gets in. But it's a good thing I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span>
+does wait up, dozing off and on between
+times, because when he arrives back, along
+about half past three in the morning, he certainly
+does need my assistance getting his
+clothes off of him. Not since Dryness come
+in has I seen a young white gentleman more
+thoroughly overtaken than what he is. And
+we got a-plenty vigorous drinkers down our
+way, too! And always did have!</p>
+
+<p>So then I goes to bed myself and that's
+the end of our first day. And the following
+day, which it was yesterday, is the day
+I gets lost.</p>
+
+<p>Which I will tell about that, next.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter IV</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Harlem Heights</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>WELL, in the morning I arranges a
+snack of nuturious breakfast on a
+tray and takes it in to Mr. Dallas.
+But he ain't craving nothing solid to eat.
+He's just craving to lay still and favor his
+headache. Soon as he opens his eyes he
+starts in groaning like he's done got far behind
+with his groaning and is striving for
+to catch up. And I knows he must a-felt
+powerful good last night to be feeling so
+bad this morning. Misery may love company,
+as some say it do, but I takes notice
+that very often she don't arrive till after the
+company is gone.</div>
+
+<p>He tells me to take them vittles out of his
+sight and fix him up about a gallon of good
+cold ice-water and set it alongside his bed
+in easy reach and then I can leave him be
+where he is and go on out for awhile and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span>
+seek amusement looking at the sights and
+scenes of New York City. But when I gets
+to the door he calls out to me I better make
+it two gallons. Which I knows by that he
+ain't so far gone but what he still can joke.</p>
+
+<p>So I goes on out, just strolling along in a
+general direction, a-looking at this and admiring
+of that; and there certainly is a heap
+for to see and for to admire. The houses is
+so tall it seems like the sky is resting almost
+on the tops of 'em and it's mighty near the
+bluest sky and the clearest ever I seen. It
+makes you want to get up there and fly
+round in it. But down below in the street
+there ain't so very much brightness by reasons
+of the buildings being so high they
+cuts off the daylight somewhat. It's like
+walking through a hollow betwixt steep
+hills.</p>
+
+<p>People is stirring around every which-a-way,
+both on foot and in automobiles;
+and most of the automobiles is all shined
+up nice and clean like as if the owners was
+going to take part in an automobile parade
+in connection with the convention. Everybody
+is extensively well-dressed, too, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span>
+most all is wearing a kind of a brooding
+look like they had family troubles at home
+or something else to pester 'em. And they
+ain't stopping one another when they meets
+and saying ain't it a lovely morning and
+passing the time of day, like we does down
+home. Even some of them which comes
+out of the same house together just goes
+bulging on without a word to nobody, and
+I remarks to myself that a lot of the neighbors
+in this district must a-had a falling-out
+amongst themselves and quit speaking.
+The children on the sidewalk ain't playing
+much together, neither. Either they plays
+off by themselves or they just walks along
+with their keepers.</p>
+
+<p>And there is almost as many dogs as there
+is children, mostly small, fool-looking dogs;
+and the dogs is all got keepers, too, dragging
+'em on chains and jerking 'em up
+sharp when they tries to linger and smell
+round for strange smells and confab with
+passing dogs. Near as I can make out, the
+dogs here ain't allowed to behave like regulation
+dogs, and the children mainly tries
+to act like as if they was already growed-up,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span>
+and the growed-up ones has caught the
+prevailing glumness disease and I is approximately
+almost the only person in sight
+that's getting much enjoyment out of being
+in New York.</p>
+
+<p>All of a sudden I hears the dad-blamedest
+<i>blim-blamming</i> behind me. I turns
+round quick and here comes the New York
+City paid fire department going to a fire.
+The biggest fire-engine ever I sees goes
+scooting by, tearing the road wide open and
+making a most awful racket. Right behind
+comes the hook-and-ladder wagon
+with the firemen hanging onto both sides
+of it, trying to stick fast and put their rubber
+coats on at the same time; and right behind
+it comes a big red automobile, <i>licketty-split</i>.
+Setting up alongside the driver
+of it is a gentleman in blue clothes and
+brass buttons, which he's got a big cigar
+clamped betwixt his teeth and looks highly
+important. But he ain't wearing a flannel
+shirt open at the throat, but has got his
+coat on and it buttoned up, so I assumes it
+can't be the chief of the department but
+probably must be the mayor. And in lessen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span>
+no time they all has swung off into a
+side street, two squares away, with me taking
+out after 'em down the middle of the
+street fast as I can travel.</p>
+
+<p>Now, every town where I've been at
+heretofore to this, when the fire-bell rings
+everybody drops whatever they is doing
+and goes to the fire. Elsewhere from New
+York, enjoying fires is one of the main
+pleasures of people; but soon I is surprised
+to see that I'm pretty near the only person
+which is trailing along after the department.
+Whilst I'm still wondering over
+this circumstance, but still running also, a
+police grabs me by the arm and asks me
+where is I going in such a big hurry?</p>
+
+<p>I tells him I is going to the fire. And he
+says to me that I might as well slow up
+and save my breath because it's liable to be
+quite a long trip for me. I asks him how
+come, and he says the fire is probably three
+or four miles from here and maybe even
+considerable further than that. And I
+says to him, that must make it mighty inconvenient
+for all concerned, having the
+fires so far away from the engine-house.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span>
+At that he sort of chuckles and tells me to
+be on my way, but to keep my eyes open
+and not let the cows nibble me. Well, as
+I says to myself going away from him, I
+may be green, but I is getting some enjoyment
+out of being here which is more'n I
+can say for some folks round these parts,
+judging by what I has seen up to this here
+present moment.</p>
+
+<p>So I meanders along, looking at this and
+that, and turning corners every once in
+awhile; and after a spell it comes to me
+that I has meandered myself into an exceedingly
+different neighborhood from the
+one I started out from. The houses is not
+so tall and is more or less rusty-looking;
+and there's a set of railroad tracks running
+through, built up on a high trestle; and
+whilst there has been a falling-off in dogs
+there has been an ample increase in children;
+the place just swarms with 'em. These
+here children is running loose all over the
+sidewalks and out in the streets, too, but it
+seems like to me they spends more time
+quarreling than what they does playing.
+Or maybe it sounds like quarreling because<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span>
+they has to hollow so loud on account of all
+the noises occurring round 'em.</p>
+
+<p>I decides to go back, but the trouble is
+I don't rightly know which is the right way
+to turn. I've been sashaying about so,
+first to the right and then to the left, that
+I ain't got no more sense of direction than
+one of these here patent egg-beaters. So
+I rambles on, getting more and more bewilded-like
+all the time, till I comes to
+another police and I walks up to him and
+states my perdicterment to him very polite
+and tells him I needs help getting back to
+where I belongs at.</p>
+
+<p>He looks at me very strict, like he can't
+make up his mind whether he'd better run
+me in for vagromcy or let me go, and then
+he says, kind of short:</p>
+
+<p>"Make it snappy, then. Where d'ye
+live?"</p>
+
+<p>I tells him I has done forgot the name of
+the street, if indeed I ever heard it, but
+from the looks of it I judges it must be the
+chief resident street where the best families
+resides. I tells him we has just moved
+in there, Mr. Dallas Pulliam and me, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>
+has started up housekeeping in the department-house
+which stands on the principal
+corner. I tells him it's the department-house
+where the inmates all lives in layers,
+one upon top of the other, like martins in
+a martin box.</p>
+
+<p>"You mean apartment-house," he says;
+"department store, but apartment-house.
+Well, what's the name of this apartment-house,
+then, if you can't remember the
+street?"</p>
+
+<p>That makes me scratch under my hat,
+too. 'Cause I pointedly doesn't know that
+neither.</p>
+
+<p>"Nummine the name, boss," I says,
+"jest you, please suh, tell me whar'bouts is
+the leadin' apartment-house of this yere
+city of Noo Yawk; that'll be it&mdash;the leadin'est
+one. 'Cause Mr. Dallas Pulliam he
+is accustom' to the best whar'ever he go."</p>
+
+<p>But he only acts like he's getting more
+and more impatient with me.</p>
+
+<p>"Describe it," he says, "describe it!
+There's one chance in a thousand that
+might help. What does it look like?"</p>
+
+<p>So I tells him what it looks like&mdash;how<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span>
+a little private road winds in and circles
+round a little place which is like a family-burying-ground,
+and about the hands
+downstairs at the front door all being from
+West Indiana, and about there being two
+elevators for the residenters and one more
+for the help, and about us having took over
+the Sublette family's outfit and all.</p>
+
+<p>"No use," he says, when I gets through,
+"that sounds just like most of the expensive
+ones." He starts walking off like he has
+done lost all interest in my case. Then he
+calls back to me over his shoulder:</p>
+
+<p>"I'll tell you what's the matter with
+you," he says; "you're lost."</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, suh," I says; "thanky, suh&mdash;tha's
+whut I been suspicionin' my own se'f," I
+says, "but I'm much oblige' you agrees wid
+me."</p>
+
+<p>Still, that ain't helping much, to find out
+this here police thinks the same way I does
+about it. Whilst I is lingering there wondering
+what I better do next, if anything,
+I sees a street-car go scooting by up at the
+next crossing, and I gets an idea. If street
+cars in New York is anything like they is at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span>
+home, sooner or later they all turns into
+the main street and runs either past the
+City Hall or to the Union Depot. So I
+allows to myself that go on up yonder
+and climb aboard the next car which comes
+along and stay on her, no matter how far
+she goes, till she swings back off the branch
+onto the trunk-line, and watch out then,
+and when she goes past our corner drop
+off. Doing it that-a-way I figures that
+sooner or later I'm bound to fetch up back
+home again.</p>
+
+<p>Anyhow, the scheme is worth trying,
+'specially as I can't seem to think of no better
+one. So I accordingly does so.</p>
+
+<p>But I ain't staying on that car so very
+long; not more than a mile at the most.
+The reason I gets off her so soon is this:
+All at once I observes that I is skirting
+through a district which is practically exclusively
+all colored. On every side I
+sees nothing but colored folks, both big and
+little. Seemingly, everything in sight is
+organized by and for my race&mdash;colored
+barber-shops, colored undertaking parlors,
+colored dentists' offices, colored doctors'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span>
+offices. On one corner there is even a
+colored vaudeville theatre. And out in
+the middle of the streets stands a colored
+police. Excusing that the houses is different
+and the streets is wider, it's mighty
+near the same as being on Plunkett's Hill
+of a Saturday evening. I almost expects
+to see that there Aesop Loving loafing
+along all dressed up fit to kill; or maybe
+Red Hoss Shackleford setting in a door-way
+following after his regular business of
+resting, or old Pappy Exall, the pastor of
+Zion Chapel, rambling by, with that big
+stomach of his'n sticking out in front of
+him like two gallons of chitterlings
+wrapped up in a black gunny-sack. It
+certainly does fill me with the homesickness
+longings!</p>
+
+<p>And then a big black man on the pavement
+opens his mouth wide, nigger-like,
+and laughs at something till you can hear
+him half-a-mile, pretty near it; which it is
+the first sure-enough laugh I has heard
+since I hit New York. And right on top
+of that I catches the smell of fat meat frying
+somewheres.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I just naturally can't stand it no longer.
+Anyhow, if I'm predestinated to be lost in
+New York City it's better I should be lost
+amongst my own kind, which talks my native
+language, rather than amongst plumb
+strangers. I give the conductor the high
+sign and I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Cap'n, lemme off, befo' I jumps off!"</p>
+
+<p>So he rings the signalling bell and she
+stops and lets me off. And verily, before
+I has went hardly any distance at all, somebody
+hails me. I is wandering along,
+sort of miscellaneous, looking in the store
+windows and up at the tops of the buildings,
+when a brown-complected man steps
+up to me and sticks out his hand and he
+says:</p>
+
+<p>"Hello thar', Alfred Ricketts!&mdash;whut
+you doin' so fur 'way frum ole Lynchburg?"</p>
+
+<p>I says to him he must a-made a mistake.
+And he says:</p>
+
+<p>"Go on 'way, boy, an' quit yore foolin'!
+This is bound to be Alfred Ricketts 'at I
+uster know down in Lynchburg, Furginia.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span>
+Leas'wise, ef 'tain't him it's his duplicate
+twin brother."</p>
+
+<p>I tells him no, my name ain't Alfred
+Ricketts&mdash;it's Jeff Poindexter from Paducah,
+and I ain't never been in no place
+called Lynchburg in my whole life as I
+knows of.</p>
+
+<p>He looks at me a minute in a kind of an
+onbelieving way and then he says he begs
+my pardon, but his excuse is that I'm the
+exact spit-and-image of this here Alfred
+Ricketts, which he says he's done played
+with him many's the time, when they was
+both boys together. He says he ain't never
+in all his born days seen two fellows which
+they wasn't no kin to each other and yet
+looked so much similar as him and me
+does. He says the way we favors each
+other is absolutely unanimous. He asks
+me to tell him again what my name is and
+I does so, and then he says to me:</p>
+
+<p>"Whar'bouts you say you hails frum?"</p>
+
+<p>I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Paducah&mdash;tha's whar."</p>
+
+<p>He shakes his head kind of puzzled.</p>
+
+<p>"Paducah?" he says. "I ain't never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span>
+heared tell of it. Whar is it&mdash;Tennessee
+or Arkansaw?"</p>
+
+<p>I pities his ignorance, but I tells him
+where Paducah is located at. It seems
+like the very sound of the name detains his
+curiosity. He just shoots the inquiring
+questions at me. He wants to know how
+big is Paducah and what is its main business,
+and what river is it on or close to,
+and what railroads run in there, and a lot
+more things. So, seeing he's a seeker after
+truth, I pumps him full. I tells him we
+not only is got one river at Paducah, we is
+got two; and I tells him about what railroads
+we've got running in; and about the
+big high water of 1913, and about the
+night-rider troubles some years before that.
+I tells him a heap else besides; mainly recent
+doings, such as Judge Priest having
+retired, and the Illinois Central having
+built up their shops to double size. Then
+he excuses himself some more and steps
+away pretty brisk, and goes into a colored
+billiard parlor, and I continues on my
+lonesome way.</p>
+
+<p>But inside of five minutes another fellow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span>
+speaks to me, and by my own entitled name,
+too. Only, this one is a kind of a pale tallow-color
+with a lot of gold teeth showing
+and very sporty dressed. He comes busting
+up to me like he's overjoyed to see me,
+and says:</p>
+
+<p>"Hello, Jeff Poindexter&mdash;w'en did you
+git yere? You shore is a sight fur the sore
+eyes! How you leave ever'body down in
+ole Paduke? An' how does yore own
+copperosity seem to sagashuate?"</p>
+
+<p>All the time he's saying this he's clamping
+my hand very affectionate, like I was
+his long-lost brother or something. I tells
+him his manner is familiar, but that I can't
+place him. He acts surprised at that&mdash;surprised
+and sort of hurt-like. He asks
+me don't I remember George Harris from
+down home? I tells him the onlyest
+George Harris of color I remembers is an
+old man which he does janiting for the
+First National Bank. And he speaks up
+very prompt and says that's his uncle which
+he is named for him and used to live with
+him out by the Illinois Central shops. He
+says he really don't blame me so much for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span>
+not placing him, because he left there it's
+going on eight or nine years ago just before
+the big high water; but he claims he used
+to meet me frequent, and says I ain't
+changed much from the time when I used
+to be working for Judge Priest. He says
+he's sure he'd a-recognized me if he'd a-met
+up with me in China, let alone it's New
+York. He says he's been living up North
+for quite a spell now, and is chief owner
+of a pants-pressing emporium down the
+street a piece, and has a fine trade and is
+doing well. And then, before I can get a
+stray word in edgeways, he goes on to speak
+of several important things which has happened
+down home of late. I breaks in and
+asks him how come he keeps such close
+track of events 'way down there seeing he's
+been away so long; and he says he's just
+naturally so dog-gone fond of that town he
+subscribes regular for one of the local
+papers and reads it faithful and hence that's
+how come he keeps up so well with what's
+going on.</p>
+
+<p>"W'ich, speakin' of papers, 'minds me
+of somethin'," he says; "it 'minds me 'at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span>
+on 'count of readin' the papers so stiddy I
+has a sweet streak of luck comin' to me this
+ver' day. I'd lak to tell you 'bout it, Poindexter?"</p>
+
+<p>"Perceed," I says, "perceed."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm goin' to," he says, "but s'posen' fust
+we gits in off this yere street an' sets down
+somewhars whar we kin be comfor'able
+an' not be interrupted. Trouble wid me
+is," he says, "I knows so dad-blame many
+people round yere, bein' prominent in business
+the way I is, 'at ef I stands still more'n
+a minute somebody is shore to be comin'
+up an' slappin' me on the back. Does you
+feel lak a light snack, Poindexter?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, it's getting to be close onto eleven
+o'clock now and I has not et nothing since
+breakfast except fifteen cents' worth of peanut
+candy, so I tells him I is agreeable.
+We goes into a restaurant run by, for and
+with colored, and we sets down by ourselves
+off at a little table and he insists that he's
+doing the paying-for on account of my being
+a boy from his old home-town, and he
+says for me to go the limit, ordering. So
+I calls for a bone sirloin and some fried<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span>
+potatoes and coffee and a mess of hot biscuits
+and a piece of mushmelon and one
+thing and another. It seems like, though,
+he ain't got much appetite himself. He
+takes just a cup of coffee, and whilst I is
+eating all of that provender of his generous
+providing, he tells me about this here
+streak of luck which has come his way.</p>
+
+<p>First off, he begins by asking me has I
+heard tell about the Colored Arabian
+Prince, which he is now staying in New
+York? I says no. He says then I will
+be hearing about him if I sojourns long, because
+the Colored Arabian Prince is the
+talk of one and all. He's stopping at the
+Palace Afro-American Hotel, and he's got
+more money than what he can spend, and
+he's going round the world studying how
+black folks lives in every clime, and he's
+got thousands and thousands of dollars
+worth of jewelry which he wears constant.
+But the piece of jewelry which he prizes
+as the most precious of all, he lost it only
+yesterday; which it is a solid gold pin
+shaped like a four-leaf clover with a
+genuine real Arabian ruby set in the middle<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span>
+of it. This here gold-tooth boy he tells
+me this while I is sauntering through the
+steak. And I can tell from the way he
+says it that he's leading up to something.</p>
+
+<p>"Yas-suh," he says, "yistiddy is w'en he
+lose it. An' this mornin' he's got a advertisement
+notice inserted in the cullid
+newspapers sayin' ez how he stan' ready
+an' willin' to pay fifty dollars fur its return
+to the hotel whar he is stoppin' at, an'
+no questions asted. An' yere 'bout half-an-hour
+befo' I runs into you, I'm walkin'
+'long the street right up yere a lil' ways, an'
+I sees somethin' shiny layin' in the gutter
+an' I stoops down an' picks it up, an' ef it
+ain't the Cullid Arabian Prince's four-leaf
+clover pin, dog-gone me! An' yere it is,
+safe an' sound."</p>
+
+<p>And with that he reach in his pocket and
+pull it out and let me look at it a brief
+second. And I says to him that I don't begrudge
+him his good luck none, only I
+wishes it might a-been me which had found
+it, because fifty dollars would come in
+mighty handy. Then I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"I s'pose you is now on yore way to hand<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span>
+him back his belongin' an' claim the reward?"</p>
+
+<p>But he shakes his head kind of dubiousome.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you how 'tis, Poindexter," he says.
+"To begin wid, an' speakin' in confidences
+ez one ole-time frien' to 'nother, I prob'ly is
+the onlyest pusson in this yere city of Noo
+Yawk w'ich the Cullid Arabian Prince
+might mek trouble fur me ef I wuz the one
+w'ich come bringin' him back his lost pin.
+Ever since he's been yere he's been sendin'
+his clothes over to my 'stablishment, w'ich
+it is right round the corner frum the Palace
+Afro-American Hotel, to be pressed. An'
+ef I should turn up now wid this yere pin
+he'd most likely ez not claim 'at I found it
+stuck in one of his coat lapels an' taken it
+out an' kep' it. An' the chances is he'd not
+only refuse fur to pay over the reward, but
+furthermo' might raise a rookus an' cast a
+shadder on my good name w'ich it su'ttinly
+would hurt my perfessional reppitation
+fur a Cullid Arabian Prince to be low-ratin'
+me at-a-way. He's lak so many
+wealthy pussons is&mdash;he's suspicious in his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span>
+mind. So I don't keer to take no chances,
+much ez I craves to feel them fifty dollars
+warmin' in the pa'm of my hand. But ef
+a pusson w'ich wuz a puffec' stranger to
+him wuz to fetch the pin in an' say he wuz
+walkin' 'long an' seen it shinin' an' picked
+it up, he'd jes' hand the reward right over
+widout a mumblin' word."</p>
+
+<p>"Yas," I says, "tha's so, I reckin."</p>
+
+<p>"'Tain't no manner of doubt but whut
+hit's so," he says. "Poindexter," he says,
+brisker-like, "I got an idee&mdash;it jest this
+yere secont come to me: Whut's the reason
+w'y you can't be the ordained stranger
+w'ich teks the pin back to him? You does
+so an' I'll low you ten dollars out of the
+fifty fur yore time an' trouble. Whut
+say?"</p>
+
+<p>I studies a minute and then I says I is
+sociable to the notion. He says he'll go
+along with me and point out to me the hotel
+where the Colored Arabian Prince is stopping
+at and then tarry outside until I gets
+back to him with the money. I says I'll go
+just as soon as I has et another piece of
+mushmelon, which the first piece certainly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span>
+was very tasty. So he waits until I has
+done so and then he pays the check, which
+comes to one-eighty for me and ten cents
+for him, and we gets up to start forth. But
+just as we gets to the door, going out, he
+takes a look at a clock on the wall and he
+says:</p>
+
+<p>"I can't go 'long wid you&mdash;you'll have
+to go by yo'se'f."</p>
+
+<p>I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Whyfore you can't go?"</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"I jes' this minute remembers 'at I got
+to ketch the 'leven-forty-two fur Hartford,
+Connecticut, whar I is gittin' ready to open
+up a branch 'stablishment&mdash;tha's whyfore.
+I been enjoyin' talkin' wid somebody frum
+my own dear state so much 'at I lets the
+time slip by unbeknownst an' now I jes'
+about kin git abo'de the train at the up-town
+station ef I hurries." He scratches his
+head. "Lemme see," he says, "whut-all is
+we goin' do 'bout 'at now?" Then it seems
+like he scratches an idea loose. "I got it,"
+he says. "Mainly on 'count of my bein' in
+sech a rush, an' you bein' frum my home-town,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span>
+I'm goin' mek you a heap sweeter
+proposition 'en de one w'ich I already has
+made. I'm goin' halfen this yere reward
+wid you; 'at's whut I'm goin' do. Yere's
+the plan: You jes' hands me over twenty-five
+dollars now fur my sheer an' 'en you
+keeps the ontire fifty w'ich he'll pay you.
+See? I knows I is a fool to be doin' it, but
+gittin' to Hartford on time today 'll mean
+a heap mo' to me in the long run 'en whut
+de diff'unce in the money would. How
+'bout it, ole boy?"</p>
+
+<p>I says to him that it listens all right to
+me, and I'd give him the twenty-five in a
+minute, only I ain't got it with me. When
+I says that his face falls so far his under-jaw
+mighty near grazes the ground, and
+then he says:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, how much is you got? Is you got
+twenty&mdash;or even fifteen?"</p>
+
+<p>I says I ain't got nothing on me in the
+way of ready cash, only carfare. But I
+says I is got something on me that's worth
+a heap more than twenty-five dollars.</p>
+
+<p>And he says:</p>
+
+<p>"Whut is it?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I says:</p>
+
+<p>"It's this yere solid gold watch," I says.
+And I hauls it out and waves it before his
+eyes. "It's wuth fully forty dollars," I
+says, "but I ain't needin' it on 'count of
+havin' a still mo' handsomer one in my
+trunk, w'ich it wuz give to me by a committee
+of the w'ite folks two yeahs ago fur
+savin' a lil' w'ite boy from drowndin' off
+the upper wharf-boat. You tek the watch
+an' give me, say ten dollars boot," I says,
+"an' I'll collect the reward an' thar'by both
+of us 'll be mekin' money," I says; "'cause
+you kin sell the watch anywhars fur not
+lessen forty dollars. I done been offered
+'at fur it befo' now."</p>
+
+<p>He studies a minute and then he says that
+whilst he ain't doubting my word about the
+watch being worth that much money, still,
+business is business, and before he consents
+we'll have to take it to a jewelry-store half-a-square
+down the street and have it valued.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Tha's suitable to me, but," I says, "I
+thought you wuz in a sweat to ketch a
+train?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I'll tek the time," he says. "I kin hurry
+an' mek it. Come to think of it," he says,
+"'at train don't leave the up-town station
+'twell 'leven-fifty-fo'. 'Leven-forty-two is
+w'en she leaves frum down-town."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm glad to hear it," I says, "'cause
+w'en the jewelry-store man has got th'ough
+'zaminin' my watch we kin ast him to look
+at the pin, too, an' tell us ef it's the genuwine
+article. It mout possibly be," I says,
+"'at they wuz two of these yere clover-leaf
+pins floatin' round loose an' one of 'em a
+imitation. By havin' it 'zamined 'long wid
+my watch, we both plays safe."</p>
+
+<p>He stops right dead in his tracks.</p>
+
+<p>"Look yere, Poindexter," he says,
+"whut's the use of all 'is yere projectin'
+round an' wastin' of time? You trusts
+me," he says, "an' I trusts you&mdash;tha's fair.
+Yere, boy, you teks the pin an' collects the
+reward. I teks the watch an' sells it fur
+whut I kin git fur it. Le's close the deal
+'cause I p'intedly is got to hurry frum
+yere."</p>
+
+<p>"Hole on!" I says. "How 'bout my ten
+dollars boot?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I'll mek it five," he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Gimme the five," I says.</p>
+
+<p>So he counts out five ones and yells something
+to me about the Palace Afro-American
+Hotel being straight down the street
+about half-a-mile, on the left-hand side,
+and in another second he's gone from view
+round the nearest corner.</p>
+
+<p>But I does not go to look for no Afro-American
+Hotel, nor yet for no Colored
+Arabian Prince, neither. Something
+seems to warn me 'twould only be a waste
+of time, so instead of which, as I steps
+along, I figures out where I stands in the
+swap. And it comes to this: I is in to the
+extent of five dollars in cash, also one dollar
+and eighty cents' worth of nourishing
+vittles, and a clover-leaf pin, which it must
+be worth all of seventy-five cents unless the
+price of brass has took a big fall.</p>
+
+<p>I is out to the extent of telling one lie
+about saving a little boy from drowning
+and also one old imitation-gold watchcase
+without any mechanical works in it. Likewise
+and furthermore, I can imagine the
+look on that gold-tooth nigger's face when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span>
+he gets time to take a good look at what
+he's traded for, and that alone I values at
+fully two dollars more in private satisfaction
+to J. Poindexter. So, taking one
+thing and another, getting lost has been
+worth pretty close on to ten dollars, besides
+which it has taught me the lesson that when
+a trusting stranger goes forth in the Great
+City he's liable to fall amongst thieves, but
+if only he stays honest himself and keeps
+his eye skinned, he cannot possibly suffer
+no harm at the hands of the wicked deceiver.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter V</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Local Colored</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>IT seems like having dealings with designing
+persons of my own color must've
+made my mind act more keen. All
+at once I remembers that I seen the name of
+our apartment-house carved on a big square
+tombstone over the front door, and it comes
+to me that the same's name has got something
+to do with grist-mills and something
+to do with lawsuits. I studies and studies
+and then, like a flash, I gets it:</div>
+
+<p>Wheatley Court.</p>
+
+<p>With this much to work on, the rest is
+plenty easy. A man in a drugstore consults
+in a telephone book and gives me the full
+specifications for getting back to where I
+has strayed from, which it turns out it is
+fully three miles away from there in a
+southeast direction. But I buys an ice-cream
+soda and a pack of chewing-gum<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span>
+before I asks the drugstore man for his
+friendly aid. Already I has took note of
+the fact that most of the folks in New York
+acts like they hates to answer your questions
+without you has done 'em some kind of a
+favor first. So I places this man under
+obligations to me by trading with him and
+then he's willing to help me. That is,
+he's willing, but he ain't right crazy with
+joy over the idea of it. If I'd a-bought
+two ice-cream sodas I think probably he's
+a-moved more brisk-like. Still, he does it.
+So, inside of an hour more, what with riding
+part of the ways on street-cars and
+walking the rest, I is home again and glad
+to be there.</p>
+
+<p>Even so, my being gone so long ain't put
+nobody out, because Mr. Dallas is yet in
+bed, but is now thinking seriously about
+getting up. He complains of feeling
+slightly better than what he did awhile
+back. Still, he ain't got so very much appetite.
+Orange juice and black coffee
+seems ample to satisfy his desires; he also
+continues to remain very partial to the ice-water.
+He says he must hurry up and dress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span>
+and get outdoors because he's got an engagement
+to go with one of the ladies which
+he met the night before and look at a little
+car which she's thinking about buying it,
+but wants to get his expert opinion on it
+first. He don't specify her name, but I
+guesses it's the puny one of the two&mdash;this
+here Miss Bill-Lee DeWitt.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I is laying out his clothes for him
+to put on he calls out to me from the bathroom
+that I will doubtless be interested to
+know that we'll be staying on in New York
+permanent. I asks him how come, and he
+says he's passed his word to go in partners
+with this here Mr. H. C. Raynor selling
+oil-properties.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, but it sho' does
+look lak to me we is movin' powerful fast.
+Only yistiddy we gits yere, an' today we is
+fixin' to bust into bus'ness. Tha's travelin'!"</p>
+
+<p>He says you have to move fast in New
+York if you don't want to get run over and
+trompled on and I says that certainly is the
+Gospel truth. And he says when you
+meets up with an attractive proposition up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span>
+here in this country you is just naturally
+obliged to grab holt of it quick or else
+somebody else 'll be beating you to it. I
+feels myself bound to agree with that, too;
+and then he goes on shaving himself and
+abusing of his skin for being so tender.</p>
+
+<p>I ponders a spell and then I asks him,
+sort of casual and accidental-like, when
+was it that Mr. Raynor displayed this here
+desirable business notion to him and he
+give his promise for to enter into it?</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," he says, "it was late last night&mdash;after
+we started back from the road-house.
+He's going to let me have a full half interest,"
+he says.</p>
+
+<p>I don't say nothing out loud to that. But
+I casts my rolling eyes up to the ceiling
+and I says in low tones to myself, I says:
+"<i>Uh</i> huh, uh <i>huh</i>!" just like that.</p>
+
+<p>That's all I says. And I makes sure he
+ain't overhearing me, but all the time I'm
+doing considerable thinking. I'm thinking
+that, excusing one of 'em is white folks
+and the other is mulatto-complected and
+excusing that one has got decorated teeth
+and the other one just plain teeth, there's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span>
+something mighty similar someway betwixt
+this here Mr. Raynor and that there colored
+imposer, which he called himself George
+Harris. I can't make up my mind whether
+it's their expressions or the way they looks
+at you out of their eyes, or the engaging
+way they both has of being so generous-like
+on short notice. But it pointedly must
+be something or other, because when I
+broods about one I can't keep from brooding
+about the other.</p>
+
+<p>But, naturally, I keeps all that to myself.
+After Mr. Dallas has done gone out I fixes
+myself up something solid to eat and then,
+along about three o'clock I drifts downstairs
+and engages in friendly conversation
+with two of them West Indian boys. Before
+very long the subject of the educated
+bones gets introduced into the talk someway,
+and it so happens I has a set in my
+pocket and I gets 'em out and sort of cuddles
+'em in my hand and rattles 'em gentle;
+and one of the two boys feels persuaded to
+suggest that, seeing as the work ain't pressing,
+us three might ramble on back into a
+little kind of a store-room back of the main<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span>
+hall downstairs and make a few passes just
+to keep the time from hanging heavy on our
+hands.</p>
+
+<p>Now, privately I has always contended
+that craps-dice is meant for home folks
+only. These here foreigners should not
+never toy with 'em if they expects to get
+ahead in the world. So the entertainment
+turns out just like I expected 'twould.
+When fifteen minutes, or maybe twenty,
+has gone by very pleasantly there is not no
+reason why I should linger with 'em, and
+I piroots back on upstairs taking along
+with me twenty-two dollars and fifty cents
+of strange money to get acquainted with the
+spare change in my pants pocket and leaving
+them two West Indian delegates holding
+a grand lodge of sorrow betwixt themselves.</p>
+
+<p>So that is all of undue importance which
+happens on our second day.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter VI</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Gold Coast</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>TIME certainly does flitter by here
+in little old New York, as I has
+now taken to calling it. Here it has
+been nearly six weeks since last I done any
+authorizing, and a whole heap of things
+has come to pass since then; yet, when I
+looks back at it, it seems like 'twas only yesterday
+when last I held my pen in hand.</div>
+
+<p>Also in that time I has learned much.
+When I reflects back on how sorghum-green
+I was when we landed here off the
+steam-cars, I actually feels right sorry for
+myself&mdash;not knowing what a road-house
+was, and figuring that when somebody
+mentioned sub-let apartments they was describing
+the name of a family, and getting
+lost in Harlem the first time I went forth
+rambling, and all them other fool things
+which I done and said at the outsetting of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span>
+our experiences! No longer ago than last
+evening I was saying to some of the fellow-members
+up at the Pastime Colored Pleasure
+and Recreation Club, on One-Hundred
+and Thirty-fifth street, that it's a born wonder
+they didn't throw a loop over me and
+cart me off to the idiotic asylum for safety
+keeping till the newness had done wore off.</p>
+
+<p>I must also say for Mr. Dallas that he's
+progressed very rapid, too. And likewise
+the new business must be paying him
+powerful well right from the go-off, because
+we certainly is rolled up in the lap-robes
+of luxury and living off the top skimmings
+of the cream.</p>
+
+<p>Before we has been here a week I notices
+there's a change taking place in Mr. Dallas.
+He's beginning to get dissatisfied
+with things as they is and craving after
+things as they ain't. Near as I can figure
+it out, he's caught a kind of restlessness disease
+which it appears to afflict everybody
+up in these parts, one way or another. It
+seems like to me, though, he must a-taken
+it early and in a violent form.</p>
+
+<p>The first symptoms is when he fetches in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span>
+one of these here little slick-headed Japanee
+boys to do the cooking and et cetera,
+so's I can wait on him more exclusively.
+Anyway, that's the reason which he assigns
+to me, but all the same I retains my own
+personal views on the matter. We don't
+need no extra hands to help run our establishment
+no more'n we needs water in our
+shoes, and my onspoken opinion is that Mr.
+Dallas thinks maybe the place look more
+high-tonish by having an imported strange
+foreigner fussing round. Privately, I
+don't lose no time designating to this here
+Koga, which is the slick-headed boy's name,
+where he gets off so far as I is concerned.
+No sooner does he arrive in amongst our
+midst than I tolls him back into the far end
+of the butler's pantry and I says to him, I
+says:</p>
+
+<p>"Yaller kid, lis'sen: I ain't 'sponsible fur
+yore comin' yere, but jest so shorely ez you
+starts messin' in my bus'ness I'm goin' be
+'sponsible fur yore everlastin' departure.
+You 'tends to yore wu'k an' I 'tends to mine
+an' tharby we gits along harmonious. But
+one sign of meddlin' frum you an' I'll jest<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span>
+reach back yere to my flank pocket whar I
+totes me a hosstile razor an' 'en you better
+pick out w'ich one of these yere winders
+you perfurs to jump out of."</p>
+
+<p>He just sort of grins at that and sucks
+some loose air in betwixt his front teeth.</p>
+
+<p>"Tha's right," I says, "save up yore
+breathin', 'cause ef I teks after you you'll
+shore require to have plenty of it on hand
+fur pu'pposes of fast travelin'. Chile," I
+says, "you's had yore warnin'&mdash;so harken
+an' give heed or else you'll find yo'se'f
+carved up so fine they'll have to fune'lize
+you on the 'stallment plan. Mr. Dallas
+he may be the big boss," I says, "but you
+lakwise better pay a heap of 'tention to the
+fust assistant deputy sub-boss w'ich I'm,"
+I says, "him."</p>
+
+<p>Saying thus I gives him a savigrous look
+backward over my shoulder and walks
+away stepping kind of light on my feet like
+a cat fixing for to pounce. He ain't saying
+a word; he's just standing there reserving
+some more breath.</p>
+
+<p>Of course I ain't really aiming to start
+no race war. Always it has been my constant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span>
+aim to keep out of rough jams with
+one and all but, even so, I figures that it's
+just as well to get the jump on that there
+Japanee human-siphon and render him
+tame and docile from the beginning.</p>
+
+<p>Next thing is that Mr. Dallas begins
+faulting the clothes he brought along with
+him from home. He says to me they appeared
+all right when he was having 'em
+made to order for him by M. Marcus &amp;
+Son, corner of Third and Kentucky Avenue,
+which that is our leading merchant-tailor,
+but he can see now that they ain't got the
+real New York snap to 'em. And the ensuing
+word is that one of them swell Fifth
+Avenue shops is making him a full new
+outfit. Well, I must admit that suits me
+from the ground up; it's a sign to me I'm
+about to inherit.</p>
+
+<p>And the next thing is that he invests in
+several cases of fancy drinkings which a
+bootlegging white man fetches it up to us
+under cover of the darkness. I sees Mr.
+Dallas counting out the money for to pay
+him, and it certainly amounts to an important
+sum. I ain't questioning the wisdom<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span>
+of this step neither, seeking that the stock
+we fetched along with us from the South is
+vanishing very brisk, and the new supply
+ought to last me and him for no telling
+how long, if we both is careful.</p>
+
+<p>The trouble with Mr. Dallas, though, is
+he ain't careful. Scarcely a day passes
+without some of his new-made Northern
+friends dropping in on him and sopping up
+highballs and cocktails and this and that.
+That there Mr. Bellows is one of our most
+earnest customers. He'll set down empty
+alongside a full bottle and stay right there
+till the emptiness and the fullness has done
+changed places. Also, when it comes to
+liberal consuming of somebody else's
+liquor, Mr. H. C. Raynor has his ondoubted
+merits. And when Mr. Dallas
+gives a party, which he does frequent and
+often, the wines and such just flows like
+manna from the rod of Jonah. Still, that
+ain't pestering me much. When white
+folks lives high in the front parlor niggers
+gets fat back in the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>Then on top of all this he buys himself
+an automobile and hires a white chauffeur<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span>
+for to run her. She's one of these here
+low-cut, high-powerful cars which when
+you wants to go somewheres in a hurry you
+just steps on her and&mdash;<i>b-z-z-z</i>&mdash;you is done
+arrived! But she's plenty costive to run.
+Every time she takes a deep breath there's
+another half-gallon of gasoline gone. If
+the truth must be known, Mr. Dallas has
+not only bought one car; he's bought two.
+But we don't see the second one, which is a
+dark blue runabout, only when Miss Bill-Lee
+comes round, because it seems Mr.
+Dallas has loaned it out to her for her own
+use, him paying the garage bills. Betwixt
+themselves they speaks of it as a loan, but
+I thinks to myself that this probably is predestinated
+to be one of the most permanent
+loans in the history of the entire loaning
+business.</p>
+
+<p>So it goes. Every day, pretty near it,
+delivery boys comes knocking at the service
+door bringing this and that for Mr. Dallas.
+If it ain't half a dozen fresh pairs of shoes
+it's a sack-full of these here golf utensils
+or some new silk pyjamas; and if it ain't
+another motoring coat or an elaborous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span>
+smoking jacket, it's a set of silver-topped
+brushes and combs and bottles and things
+for his toilet table, with his initials cut on
+'em. It seems like he must stop in somewheres
+every morning on his way down-town
+to business and buy himself something.
+So I judges the money must be
+coming in mighty brisk at the bung-hole,
+because it certainly is pouring out mighty
+steady from the spigots.</p>
+
+<p>It also must be a powerful handy and
+convenient business to be in, for not only
+does it appear to pay so well, but it practically
+almost runs itself. Often Mr. Dallas
+ain't starting down-town till the morning
+is 'most gone, and sometimes he gets
+back home as early as four o'clock in the
+evening. Come Saturday, he don't go near
+the headquarters at all. That astonishes
+me deeply, because down home on a Saturday
+the stores all stays open till late at
+night on account of the country people
+coming into town and the hands at the tobacco
+warehouses and the factories and all
+being paid off, and the niggers being out
+doing their trading. Especially the niggers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span>
+You take the average one of 'em,
+and if he can't spend all he's got on Saturday
+night, it practically spoils his Sunday
+for him. He ain't aiming to waste none of
+his money, saving it. So, with us, Saturday
+is the busiest day in the week. But
+seemingly not so in this locality.</p>
+
+<p>In fact, so far as I observes to date, the
+folks up here has got a special separate system
+of their own for doing pretty near
+everything. More times than one enduring
+this past month I has said to myself
+that there certainly is a big difference betwixt
+Paducah and New York City. You
+don't notice it so much in Paducah, but,
+lawsy, how it does prone into you when
+you gets to New York!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter VII</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Country Side</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>FOR instances, now, take this here Saturday
+last past. Down home Mr.
+Dallas would a-been down to that
+there oil-office of his bright and early
+shaking hands with the paying customers
+and helping boss the clerks whilst they
+drawed off the oil, and all. But nothing like
+that don't happen here with us&mdash;no sir, not
+none whatsomever. He lays in bed until it's
+going on pretty near ten o'clock and then he
+gets up and I packs him, and along about
+dinner-time, which they calls it lunch-time
+round this town, we puts out in the car to
+the country for a week-end. Only, for the
+amount of baggage we totes with us you'd
+a-thought it was going to be a month-end.
+I'm tooken along to look after his clothes
+and to do general valetting for him.</div>
+
+<p>We takes Mr. Raynor and Mr. Bellows<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span>
+and the permanent-wavy lady, Mrs. Gaylord,
+along with us. Miss DeWitt and
+Miss O'Brien is also headed for the same
+place we is, but they comes in the blue runabout
+traveling close behind us. By now,
+I has done learned not to expect Mrs. Gaylord
+to bring a husband with her. It seems
+like she can get 'em, but she can't keep 'em.
+She's been married three times in all; but
+from what I can hear, her first husband
+hauled off and died on her and the second
+one kind of strayed off and never come
+back. I ain't heard 'em say what happened
+to the present incumbent but since he ain't
+never been produced, I judge he must've
+got mislaid someway, so now she's practically
+all out of husbands again. Still, she
+seems to be bearing up very serene at all
+times. If she misses 'em she don't let on.</p>
+
+<p>Well, we loads up the car with the white
+folks, and with valises and golf-sacks and
+one thing and another and starts for the
+country. But I must say for it that it's
+totally unsimilar to any country like what
+I has been used to heretofore. The front
+yards which we passes all looks like the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span>
+owners must take 'em in at nights and in
+the mornings brush 'em off good and put
+'em back outdoors again; and most of the
+residences is a suitable size to make good
+high-school buildings or else feeble-mind
+institutes, and even the woodlots
+has a slicked-up appearance like as if they'd
+just come back that same day from the dry-cleaner's.
+In more'n an hour's steady
+travel I don't see a single rail fence nor a
+regulation weed-patch nor a lye kettle nor
+an ash-hopper nor a corn-crib nor a martin-box
+nor a hound-dog nor a smoke-house
+nor scarcely anything which would
+signify it to be sure-enough country. I
+thinks to myself that if a cotton-tail rabbit
+was aiming to camp out here he'd naturally
+be obliged to pack his bedding along with
+him.</p>
+
+<p>When we arrives where we is headed for
+I is still further surprised because, beforehand,
+Mr. Dallas tells me we is going to
+stop at a country-place, but it looks to me
+more like a city-hall which has done strayed
+far off from its functions and took root in
+a big clump of trees alongside the river.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span>
+Why, it's got more rooms in it than our
+new county infirmary's got and grounds
+around it all beautiful like a cemetery. It
+belongs to a very spry-acting lady named
+Mrs. Banister, which she is a friend of Mrs.
+Gaylord's. There's a Mr. Banister, too,
+but as far as I can judge, the lady is the
+sole proprietor and his job is just being
+Mrs. Banister's Mr. and helping with the
+drinks when the butler is busy doing something
+else. I hears the cook saying out in
+the kitchen that he can also mix a very tasty
+salad-dressing. Well, that's what he looks
+like to me, just a natural-born salad-dressing
+mixer.</p>
+
+<p>But we don't arrive there until it's getting
+towards four o'clock by reason of us
+stopping for quite a sojourn at a tea-house
+along the road. Leastwise, they calls it a
+tea-house, but its principalest functions,
+so far as I can note, is to provide accommodations
+for folks to dance and to drink up
+the refreshments which they've fetched
+along with 'em in pocket flasks; and you
+might call that tea if you prefers to, but it's
+the kind of tea which now sells by the case<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span>
+for cash down and is delivered at your
+house after dark.</p>
+
+<p>That's mainly what our outfit does there&mdash;dance
+and refresh themselves with what
+the gentlemen brought along on their hips.
+From where I'm setting in the car outside
+I can see 'em weaving in and out amongst
+the tables whilst a string-band plays jazzing
+tunes for 'em to dance by. But Mr.
+Dallas don't appear to be getting the hang
+of it so very well and the chauffeur, who's
+setting there with me, he allows probably
+the boss ain't caught on to these here new
+dances yet.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Huh! Does you call 'at a new dance?"</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Sure&mdash;the newest one of 'em all. That's
+the Reitzenburger Grapple&mdash;it's just hit
+town."</p>
+
+<p>And I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Then it shore must a-been a long time
+on the road, gittin' yere; 'cause niggers
+down my way," I says, "wuz dancin' 'at air
+dance fully ten yeahs ago&mdash;only they done
+so behind closed doors," I says, "bein'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span>
+'feared the police mout claim disawd'ly
+conduct an' stop 'em frum it."</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever dance it?"</p>
+
+<p>I says to him:</p>
+
+<p>"Who, me? Many's a time. But not
+lately," I says.</p>
+
+<p>"What made you stop?" he says.</p>
+
+<p>"I got religion," I says.</p>
+
+<p>There was also considerable careless
+dancing done at the Banister place that
+night and early the following morning.
+In fact, there was considerable of a good
+many things done there that Saturday and
+Sunday&mdash;tennis and golf and horseback-riding
+and billiards and pool and going in
+swimming in a private lake on the premises
+and playing a card game which they calls it
+auction-bridge, and eating and drinking
+and smoking. Everybody is so busy all
+day changing clothes for the next event they
+ain't got very much time for the thing
+that's on at the time being. But when the
+night-time comes the ladies strips down to
+full-dress and all hands just settles in for
+the three favorite sports, which is dancing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span>
+and cards and drinks, both long and short.
+I has seen thirsty gentlemen before in my
+day but to the best of my recollection I ain't
+never encountered no ladies that seemed so
+parched-like as one or two of these here
+ladies was. I'm thinking in particular of
+Mrs. Gaylord. She certainly is suffering
+from a severe attack of the genuine parchments.
+But I'll say this much for her&mdash;she's
+doing her level best to get shut of it
+by taking the ordained treatment. That
+Saturday evening whilst I is upstairs in
+Mr. Dallas' room laying out his dress-clothes,
+the guests, about a dozen of 'em is
+out in the front yard setting round little
+tables where I can see 'em from the window,
+and every time I passes the window
+and looks out it seems like she's being
+served with a little bit more. She carries
+it just beautiful, though; she certainly has
+my deep personal admirations for her capacity.
+But next day when she comes down
+stairs she acts dauncy and low-spirited for
+awhile. She's got on a fresh complexion, to
+be sure, but even so she looks sort of weather-beaten
+'round the eyes. You take 'em<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span>
+when they is either prematurely old or else
+permanently young and the morning is always
+the most tellingest time on 'em. Well,
+several of those present ain't feeling the
+best in the world, seemingly, that Sunday
+when they strolls forth for late breakfast
+'long about half past eleven. It was after
+three o'clock before they dispersed and
+some of 'em ain't entirely got over it yet&mdash;they
+is still kind of dispersed-looking, if
+you gets my meaning.</p>
+
+<p>Well, all day Sunday is just like Saturday
+evening was, only if anything, more so; and
+late Sunday night the party busts up and
+scatters and we starts back to town. Mr.
+Dallas he elects for to ride back in the runabout
+with Miss Bill-Lee so that throws
+Miss O'Brien, the one which they calls Pat
+for short, into the big car with the rest of
+our crowd. Starting off she quarrels right
+peart with Mrs. Gaylord. I gathers that
+they was partners at the bridging game part
+of the time and they can't get reconciled
+with one another over the way each one of
+'em handled her cards. The more they
+scandalizes about it the more onreconciled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span>
+they gets, too. It seems like each one thinks
+the other don't scarcely know how to deal,
+let alone play the hands after she gets 'em.
+Setting there listening to 'em carrying on
+I thinks to myself these here Northern white
+folks must hate to lose even a little bit of
+money. I knows these two ladies couldn't
+a-lost much neither&mdash;I heard Mr. Raynor
+saying beforehand they was going to play
+five cents a point. But to overhear 'em debating
+now, you'd a-thought it had been a
+real stiff game, like dollar-limit poker, say,
+or set-back at six bits a corner.</p>
+
+<p>After awhile Miss Pat she quits argufying
+and drops off to sleep and Mr. Bellows
+he likewise drifts off into a doze and that
+leaves Mrs. Gaylord and Mr. Raynor talking
+together in the back seat kind of confidential.
+But the hood of the car being
+over 'em it seems like it throws their voices
+forward, and setting up with the chauffeur
+I can't keep from eavesdropping on part
+of what they is confabbing about.</p>
+
+<p>Presently I hears Mr. Raynor saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you never can guess in advance
+what a sap will like, can you? You would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span>
+have thought he'd fall for a kiddo with a
+good, strong up-to-date tomboy line, like
+little Patsy here. But no&mdash;not at all! He
+takes one look into those languishing eyes
+of our other friend and goes down and out
+for the count. Funny&mdash;eh, what? Well,
+it only goes to show that while the vamp
+stuff is getting a trifle old-fashioned it still
+pays dividends&mdash;if only you pick the right
+customer."</p>
+
+<p>Then I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Her system may be a bit <i>pass&eacute;</i> but you
+can't say she doesn't work fast once she gets
+under way. Clever, I call it."</p>
+
+<p>"Clever?" he says, "you bet! She works
+fast and she works clean, tidying up as she
+goes along and burying her own dead. I
+always did say for her that when it came to
+being a gold-digger she had the original
+Forty-niners looking like inmates of the
+Bide-a-Wee Home. Fast? I'll say so!"</p>
+
+<p>"She has need to be fast, working opposition
+to you, Herby, dear," says Mrs. Gaylord.
+"Speaking of expert blood-suckers, I
+shouldn't exactly call you a vegetarian."</p>
+
+<p>"Hush, honey," he says, "let's not talk<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span>
+shop out of business hours. And anyhow,"
+he says, "I don't mind a little healthy competition
+on the side. It stimulates trade
+under the main tent&mdash;if it's done in moderation."</p>
+
+<p>"You should know, Herby," she says sort
+of laughing; "with your experience you
+should know if anybody does."</p>
+
+<p>Then he laughs, too, a kind of a low and
+meaning chuckle, and they goes to talking
+about something else.</p>
+
+<p>But I has done heard enough to set me to
+studying mighty earnest. Neither one of
+'em ain't specifying who they means by "he"
+and "she" but I can guess. Once more I
+says to myself, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Uh huh, uh huh!</i>"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter VIII</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Dark Secrets</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>SOME of the folks which has been following
+our experiences, as I has
+wrote them down, might think it was
+my bounden duty to go straight-away to
+Mr. Dallas and promulgate to him these
+here remarks which I hears pass betwixt
+Mr. H. C. Raynor and the permanent-wavy
+lady on that Sunday night six weeks ago,
+coming back from our week-end in the
+country. But I does not by no means see
+my way clear to doing so. In the first place,
+I ain't never been what you might call a
+professional promulgator. In the second
+place, I figures the time ain't ripe to start
+in telling what I believes and what I suspicions.
+In the third place, I don't know
+yet if it ever will be ripe.</div>
+
+<p>Some white folks, seems like, is just naturally
+beset with a craving to bust into<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span>
+colored folkses' business and try for to run
+their personal affairs for 'em. Mr. Dallas,
+he is not gaited that way in no particular
+whatsoever; him having been born and
+raised South and naturally knowing better
+anyhow; but some I might mention is.
+Still, and even so, most white folks don't
+care deeply for anybody at all, much less
+it's somebody which is colored, to be telling
+'em onpleasant and onwelcome tidings.
+And he is white and I is black&mdash;and there
+you is!</p>
+
+<p>Another way I looks at it is this way:
+There's a whole heap of white folks, mainly
+Northerners, which thinks that because us
+black folks talks loud and laughs a-plenty
+in public that we ain't got no secret feelings
+of our own; they thinks we is ready and
+willing at all times to just blab all we knows
+into the first white ear that passes by.
+Which I reckon that is one of the most monstrous
+mistakes in natural history that ever
+was. You take a black boy which he working
+for a white family. Being on close relations
+that-a-way with 'em he's bound to
+know everything they does&mdash;what they is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span>
+thinking about, what-all they hopes and
+what-all they fears. But does they, for
+their part, know anything about how he
+acts amongst his own race? I'll say contrary!
+They maybe might think they
+knows but you take it from J. Poindexter
+they positively does not do nothing of the
+kind. All what they gleans about him&mdash;his
+real inside emotions, I means&mdash;is exactly
+what he's willing for 'em to glean; that and
+no more. And usually that ain't so much.</p>
+
+<p>Yes sir, the run of colored folks is much
+more secretious than what the run of the
+white folks give 'em credit for. I reckon
+they has been made so. In times past they
+has met up with so many white folks which
+taken the view that everything black men
+and black women done in their lodges or
+their churches or amongst their own color
+was something to joke about and poke fun
+at. Now, you take me. I is perfectly willing
+to laugh with the white folks and I can
+laugh to order for 'em, if the occasion appears
+suitable, but I is not filled up with no
+deep yearnings to have 'em laughing at me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span>
+and my private doings. 'Specially if it's
+strange white folks.</p>
+
+<p>Furthermore there's this about it: I've
+taken due notice that, whites and blacks
+alike, pretty near anybody will resent your
+coming to 'em on your own say-so and telling
+'em right out of a clear sky that they is
+making a grievous big mistake in doing this
+or that. If they themselves takes the lead&mdash;if
+they seeks you out of their own accord
+and says to you, confidential-like, they is in
+a peck of trouble and craves to know how
+they is going to get out from under the load&mdash;why,
+that's different. Then you can step
+in, in friendship's name, and do your best
+to help 'em unravel the tangle which they
+has got themselves snarled up in it. If you
+asks me, I would say that advice gets a heap
+warmer welcome where you goes hunting
+for it than where it comes hunting for you.
+And, likewise, sympathy is something
+which you appreciates all the more if you
+went out shopping for it yourself. You
+don't want it to come knocking at the door
+like one of these here old peddlers taking
+orders for enlarging crayon portraits and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span>
+forcing its way right into your fireside
+circle whether or no, and camping there in
+your lap.</p>
+
+<p>Moreover, speaking in particular of our
+own case, what right has I got to be intimating
+to Mr. Dallas my private beliefs about
+the private characters of this here brisk
+crowd which he has gone and got so thick
+with since we arrived here on the scene?
+Right from the first I has had my own personal
+convictions about the set he's in with.
+I has made up my mind that they ain't the
+genuine real quality; that they is just a
+slicked-up, highly-polished imitation of the
+real quality; that they ain't doing things so
+much as they is overdoing 'em. The way I
+looks at it, they bears the same relation to
+regulation high-toney folks which a tin minnow
+does to sure-enough live bait. You
+maybe might fool a fish with it but you
+couldn't fool the world at large for so very
+long. And as for me, I ain't been fooled at
+all, not at no time. But I naturally can't go
+stating my presenterments to Mr. Dallas
+without he the same as practically invites
+me first for to do so. Now, can I? But if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span>
+he finds it out for himself and approaches
+me, that's a roan horse of another color.</p>
+
+<p>So the above reasons is why I is at present
+keeping my mouth shut in front of him
+about what concerns him solely. Besides,
+so many things continues to happen from
+day to day here in New York it keeps me
+right busy just staying up with the procession
+and not overlooking the stray bets.
+For instances, now, there's my moving-picture
+scheme which I thinks up out of my
+own head and which promises to turn out
+mighty profitable if everything goes well.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter IX</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Movie-Land</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>HAVING so much else to keep track
+of I has plumb forgot up till now
+to set forth how comes it we gets
+ourselves interested in the movies. You
+see, both Miss Pat and Miss Bill-Lee is in
+that line, although not working at it very
+steady. In fact, practically all our crowd
+lets on to be doing something or other for to
+earn a living when they can't think of nothing
+else to do. It seems like Mr. Bellows
+sets himself up to be one of these here interior
+decorators, which I don't know exactly
+what that is, though I has my notions
+for I has seen him decorating.</div>
+
+<p>Let somebody else provide the materials
+and he's right there with the interior. Mrs.
+Gaylord she's an alimony-collector by profession
+and doing right well at her trade,
+too, from all I can gather. And Mr. Raynor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span>
+he calls himself a broker. I hears Mrs. Gaylord
+saying once, sort of joking, that being a
+broker is the present tense of being broke,
+which I reckon that is not only grammar
+but facts, except when somebody like Mr.
+Dallas comes along with ready cash on
+hand. But the two young ladies has both
+been in theatricals for going on several years
+now, first on the old-fashioned talking stage
+and more lately with the films; so naturally
+there's a right smart talk about films and
+screens and all, going on from time to time.</p>
+
+<p>It seems like all hands amongst 'em
+agrees there's a heap of money in the film
+business if only the right folks was to take
+hold of it and get it away from the parties
+which is now trying to run it. It also seems
+that if only Miss Bill-Lee could get the
+proper sort of a chance, which she can't on
+account of jealousy and one thing and another,
+she'd be a brightly shining star in no
+time. All she needs is for somebody to put
+her out in a piece which'll suit her and then
+she'll be a sensational success and all concerned
+will make more money than they'll
+know what to do with. I hears her saying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span>
+so more than once to Mr. Dallas, all the
+time looking at him with them yearning big
+black eyes of hers. It seems like that is the
+one thing which she requires for to make
+her perfectly happy. And seeing as how
+that appears to be Mr. Dallas' chief aim in
+life these times&mdash;making Miss Bill-Lee
+more happy&mdash;I says to myself that first
+thing we know we'll be investing in a new
+line on the side. Mr. Raynor, though, he
+ain't so favorable to the notion. I can tell
+that he don't want Mr. Dallas to be spreading
+his play 'round so promiscuous. It ain't
+so much what he says; it's by the way he
+looks when the subject comes up that I can
+figure out what his private emotions is.</p>
+
+<p>Anyhow, the upshot is that Mr. Dallas
+takes to spending considerable of his spare
+time at a studio up-town where the two
+young ladies works, getting pointers and so
+on. One evening&mdash;I should say, one afternoon&mdash;he
+telephones down to the apartment
+for me to bring one of his heavy overcoats
+up there to him because, what with late
+fall-time being here now, the weather has
+turned off sort of cold; and that's how befalls<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span>
+that I gets my look at the insides of
+one of these here studio places, which I
+must say, alongside of the one I seen, a
+crazy-house is plumb rational and abounding
+in restfulness.</p>
+
+<p>From the outsides it looks to be like
+something suitable for a tobacco stemmery
+or maybe a skating-rink, but once I gets
+past the watchman on the outer door&mdash;<i>Who-ee!</i>
+That's all&mdash;<i>Who-ee!</i> I stops close
+by the door and for a spell I watches what's
+going on and I thinks to myself that whilst
+there may be a-plenty of money in the moving-picture
+business, and doubtless is, the
+bulk of it is liable to stay in it permanent.
+Never before in my whole life has I seen so
+many folks letting on like they was fixing
+for to transact something important and
+then not doing it. If they was all on piece-work
+they couldn't earn enough to pay for
+half-soling the shoes which they wears out
+running about getting in one another's way.
+But as I understands it, they mainly is hired
+by the day and not by the job, and my heart
+certainly goes out in sympathetical feelings
+for the man, whoever he may be, that's footing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span>
+the bills at the end of the week. If I
+was him I'd charge general admittance for
+the public to come in and witness these here
+carryings-on, and thereby get some part of
+my wastage back.</p>
+
+<p>Almost the first thing which distracts my
+attention is a pestered-looking man with a
+pair of these here high leather leggings on,
+like he was fixing to go horse-back riding
+but in his frenzy has mislaid the horse;
+which he is full of authority and dashing
+to and fro with a big megaphone in one
+hand and in the other a bunch of wadded-up
+paper with writing on it. He appears
+to be in sole charge; and if hollowing loud
+was worth fifty cents a hollow he'd be a
+millionaire inside of a month if his voice
+didn't give out on him. I finds out a little
+later that he's what they calls the director.
+Well, he certainly does directicate.</p>
+
+<p>One minute he's yelling at a couple of the
+hands up in the loft overhead, which their
+job is to handle some of the lights and then
+he's yelling at the little fellow which is running
+the picture-taking machinery, and then
+he's yelling at a bunch of men which has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span>
+charge of the scenery, only this crowd don't
+pay no attention to him but just goes on
+doing their work very languid-like; so I
+judges they must belong to a union and
+therefore can afford to be independent.
+But most in general he devotes his yelling
+to a whole multitude of folks all dressed up
+in acting clothes with their faces painted
+the curiousest ever I seen. And, at that, I
+seen a sight of face-painting since I come to
+New York! Under them funny lights their
+skins is an awful corpsy greenish-yellowish-whitish
+and their lips is purple, like as if
+they has been drownded nine days and has
+just now come to the top.</p>
+
+<p>He herds all these people together and
+gets 'em set to act a piece. And then something
+goes wrong. Either he ain't satisfied
+with the lights or with their actions or else
+he remembers something important which
+has been forgotten and he yells for somebody
+to fetch it, and six or eight runs to get
+it and brings the wrong thing back, and he
+raves and cusses under his breath and tells
+everybody to go back to their marks and
+start in all over again.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And the next try is just the same as the
+first. And the third try is not no more successful
+than the other two was. So then the
+director he shooes the whole crowd back
+out of the way and walks up and down and
+waves his arms and wildly states that he
+hopes he may be hanged if he's going to go
+on until they learns how to rehearse. And
+I remarks to myself that if I was them
+white folks I certainly would give him his
+wish and hang him!</p>
+
+<p>So then everybody loafs round a spell,
+whilst the director confabs with a little thin
+nervoused-looking man called Mr. Simons,
+with glasses on. And then the director announces
+that they won't try to shoot the mob
+scene today and all the extras can go till
+nine o'clock tomorrow morning, and in the
+meantime he trusts and prays that they may
+get a little sense or something in their heads.
+So, accordingly, most of the multitude departs
+leaving only about a dozen or more
+actor ladies and gentlemen setting round on
+odds and ends and seemingly very grateful
+for the peaceful lull.</p>
+
+<p>By this time I has done localized Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span>
+Pulliam where he's standing over in a corner
+talking with Miss Bill-Lee and a couple
+more ladies, and I makes my way to him.
+Doing so, I has to pass behind some of the
+scenery. On the other side it's just like a
+row of houses with roofs and porches and
+all, but here on the behind-side of it there
+ain't nothing only plastering laths and raggedy
+ends of burlaps and chicken-coop wire
+and naked joists. It puts me right sharply
+in mind of some of these folks we has been
+associating with up here&mdash;everything in
+stock devoted to making a show for the
+front and nothing except the rubbish left
+over for the backing. Well, I reckons it's always
+like that when you is making-believe
+to be something you truly ain't, whether
+it's in a moving-picture studio or out in the
+great world at large.</p>
+
+<p>After I gives Mr. Dallas his coat he tells
+me to hang round if I wishes to do so and
+watch 'em working. So I hangs round.
+But there ain't much working done for
+quite a spell but, instead, a lot of general
+speechifying and explaining betwixt this
+one and that one. Finally though, the pestered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span>
+man he yells out something about being
+ready to shoot an interior. All hands
+rambles over to another part of the building
+where there is more scenery which is
+fixed up to look like the insides of a short-order
+restaurant. One of the young ladies
+and one of the young gentlemen sets down
+at a table in front of the camera and lets on
+to be eating a quick snack whilst a white
+man, which is dressed up like a waiter and
+blacked up to look like he's colored, waits
+on 'em. The two at the table appears to be
+giving satisfaction but the ruler of the roost
+ain't pleased with the way the waiter acts
+out his part.</p>
+
+<p>I ain't blaming him for not being pleased,
+neither. To start with, the waiter is blacked
+up too much. He don't look like he's genuine
+colored; he looks more like he's been
+shining up a cook stove and got most of the
+polish rubbed off onto his face and hands.
+He don't act like he's genuine colored,
+neither. I judges he must have studied the
+business of acting like colored folks from
+watching nigger minstrel shows. He keeps
+rolling his eyes up in his head and smacking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span>
+his lips, the same as an end-man does,
+which is all right, I reckon, when you is an
+end-man but which does not fill the bill
+when you is letting on to be a sure-enough
+black person; because for years past I ain't
+never seen scarsely no minstrel man which
+really deported himself as though he had
+colored feelings inside of him.</p>
+
+<p>Still, I must say for him that he's doing
+his level best to oblige. But what with him
+trying to remember to keep the eyes rolling
+and the lips smacking, and the director yelling
+at him through that megaphome to do
+the next step this-a-way or that-a-way, he's
+presently so muddled up in his mind that it
+seems like he can't get nothing at all accomplished.
+It makes me feel actually sorry
+for him; but I ain't sorry for the director.
+One of 'em is ignorant and willing to admit
+it; the other one is ignorant but is trying to
+cover it up by behaving bossified and making
+loud sounds and laying the blame on
+somebody else. Leastwise, that's how I
+figures it out. I says to myself, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"It's all wrong frum who laid the rail.
+Yas suh, I'll tell the waitin' world they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span>
+don't neither one of 'em onderstan' the leas'
+particle 'bout nigger actions an' nigger depotemint."</p>
+
+<p>I must've said it out loud without thinking,
+because right alongside me somebody
+speaks up and says:</p>
+
+<p>"What do you know about this business?"</p>
+
+<p>I turns my head and looks, and it's that
+there quiet little man with the big glasses
+on, name of Mr. Simons.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know nothin' 'bout this yere bus'ness,
+but I does know somethin' 'bout bein'
+cullid, seein' ez I is one myse'f."</p>
+
+<p>He sort of squints up his eyes like he's
+got an idea. He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Could you take the director's place there
+and show that man how to get through with
+his scene?"</p>
+
+<p>"Who, boss, me?" I says. "No suit! I
+mebbe mout could tek his place pervidin'
+w'ite folkses didn't mind havin' me th'owin'
+awders at 'em, but even so, I couldn't never
+plant the right idees in 'at other gen'elman's
+mind."</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" he says.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Cause it's plain to me," I says, "'at in
+the fust place he ain't got no notion ez to
+how a black boy would carry hisse'f whilst
+waitin' on a table. 'Scuse me fur sayin' so
+ef he's a friend of yours, but tha's the facts
+of the case, boss&mdash;the feelin's ain't thar."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," he says, "then could you play
+the waiter's part yourself?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well suh," I says, "mebbe I could ef
+they wouldn't 'spect me to act lak a actor
+but just 'lowed me to act lak a human bein'.
+I ain't never done no actin'," I says, "but I
+been a human bein' fur ez fur back ez I kin
+remember."</p>
+
+<p>"You've got it!" he says. "What this
+business needs in it is fewer people trying
+to act and more people willing to behave
+like human beings. How would you like
+to put on the jacket and the apron that man
+is wearing and see if you could get away
+with the job he's trying to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ef 'twould be a favor to you&mdash;yas, suh,"
+I says. "But I'm' skeered the directin'
+gen'elman mout object."</p>
+
+<p>"I think possibly I could fix that," he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span>
+says. "I happen to be the owner of this
+plant. I'll go speak to him."</p>
+
+<p>"Hole on," I says, "ef you please, suh.
+The onliest way I could do it," I says,
+"would be fur you to tell me jest whut you
+wanted done an' 'en you'd have to mek all
+hands stand back an' keep quiet whilst I
+wuz tryin' to do it. It sho'," I says, "would
+git me all razzle-dazzled to have some
+gen'elman yellin' at me th'ough 'at megaphome
+ever' half secont or so."</p>
+
+<p>"There's another idea that's worth experimenting
+with," he says. "I've thought
+the same thing myself before now. You
+stay right here a minute."</p>
+
+<p>Well, to make a long story no longer, he
+goes over and whispers something to the
+director and first-off the director he shakes
+his head like he's dead set against the proposition
+but Mr. Simons keeps on arguing
+with him and after a little bit the director
+flings up both hands sort of despairful and
+goes over and sets down at a little table,
+looking very sulky. Then, Mr. Simons he
+tells the blacked-up man to take off his
+apron and his jacket and tells me to put<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span>
+'em on me and then he tells me very slow
+just what he wants me to do, but he says I'm
+to do it my own way and if, as I goes along,
+I thinks of anything else which a real colored
+waiter would do under such-like circumstances,
+why, I'm to stick that in, too.</p>
+
+<p>"Try to forget that it's all pretending,"
+he says, "and try to forget that there's a
+camera grinding in front of you. Just remember
+that you're a waiter in a cheap
+dump serving a couple of young people
+that have run away from home to be married
+and are in a hurry to get something to
+eat. Try to register your expectations of
+getting a nice big tip from the young fellow.
+And when you slip the girl the note
+that'll tip her off to the fact that her old
+sweetheart is waiting outside and wants to
+see her, you want to make sure that the man
+at the table with her can't see you, but that
+people sitting out in the audience watching
+the show will see the note pass. Get
+me? We won't have any rehearsals&mdash;too
+much preliminary stuff might make you
+self-conscious. I'll have 'em start shooting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span>
+just as soon as you come on. Now go to
+it!"</p>
+
+<p>Which I does it all according to orders.
+I must've gave utter satisfaction, too, because
+when we gets through, everybody setting
+round claps their hands and applauses
+me same as if they was at a regular show&mdash;that
+is, everybody does so except the director;
+which he continues to act peevish.
+This here Mr. Simons he goes yet farther
+than applausing; he comes over to me and
+he says I has put him under obligations to
+me by helping him out and if ever I feels
+like doing some more moving-picture work
+just to call on him either down at his office
+or up here at the studios, because he says
+there ain't no telling when he may have another
+show with a part in it for a smart
+spry colored person. And with that he slips
+his card into my hand and along with it a
+ten dollar bill, which that is more money
+than ever I has earned before in my whole
+life for a light job, let alone just acting
+natural for about five or six minutes.</p>
+
+<p>He starts on away then but suddenly he
+turns round like a notion had just hit him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span>
+between the eyes and he comes back to me
+and says he wants to speak to me a minute
+and I follows him back around a corner
+where nobody won't be liable to hear us.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to ask you about something," he
+says, when we arrives there. "You seem to
+be a person who keeps his eyes and his ears
+open; besides, you're colored yourself and
+what I need here, I think, is somebody who
+can look at a proposition from a colored
+man's slant rather than from a white man's.
+And finally, my guess is that you haven't
+been away from your own part of the country
+very long and that probably means you
+haven't lost your perspective. Do you get
+my drift?"</p>
+
+<p>I wouldn't know a perspective if I met
+up with one in the big road but I ain't aiming
+to expose my ignorance before this
+strange gentleman. I tries to look like I'm
+mighty glad that I've been so careful as not
+to lose it and I tells him yes, sir, I gets his
+drift.</p>
+
+<p>"Good," he says. "Well, making it
+snappy, the idea is just this: New York
+City is full of colored actors&mdash;not merely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span>
+singers and dancers but real artists, some of
+'em, who can act and are especially strong
+in comedy. That's point number one. In
+nearly every good-sized town in this country,
+North and South, there's at least one
+moving-picture house catering to your
+people. That's point number two. But
+day after day and night after night those
+patrons see nothing but pictures written by
+white people, directed by white men, and
+acted by white people. That's point number
+three. Now, I've been carrying round
+a scheme in my head for quite awhile&mdash;a
+scheme to try the experiment of turning out
+a line of two-reelers, say, done by colored
+casts, and selling them, if I can, to these
+three or four thousand houses run by colored
+people and playing to colored
+people. I've got the studio right here&mdash;I've
+got the organization and the equipment.
+And at any time I need it I can put
+my hand on plenty of acting material&mdash;colored
+people, I mean&mdash;who'll only need
+a little training to make 'em fit for my purposes.
+Some of 'em have already had some
+training&mdash;as extras around the local plants.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span>
+As I dope it out, if I can produce pictures
+which will appeal particularly to your
+people I'll have a steady market through
+the big exchanges; because, if I know anything
+about the tastes of the general public,
+white people will enjoy all-colored comedies&mdash;if
+they're done right&mdash;almost as much
+as colored people will. And that's point
+number four. Now then, give me your idea
+of the value of the notion?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mister," I says, "I kin only tell you how
+one cullid pusson feels, w'ich 'at one is me:
+The way I looks at it, you ain't needin' to
+bother much 'bout fancy scenery an' special
+fixin's&mdash;wid a crowd of niggers the mainest
+p'int will be the actin'. The actin' part is
+whar you can't fool 'em. An'," I says, "ef
+you kin git holt of a crowd of cullid actors
+w'ich is willin' to ack lak the sho'-nuff ole-time
+cullid an' not lak onbleached imitations
+of w'ite folks, it seems lak to me the
+rest of it oughter be plum' easy. Mostly
+I'd mek the pitchers comical, ef I wuz you.
+You kin do 'at an' still not hurt nobody's
+feelin's, w'ite nur black. Ef you wants to
+perduce a piece showin' a lot of niggers<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span>
+gittin' skinned, let it be another nigger
+w'ich skins 'em. Then," I says, "w'en, at
+the last, they gits even wid him it'll still be
+nigger ag'inst nigger. An' ef, once't in
+awhile, you meks a kind of a serious-lak
+pitcher, showin', mebbe, how the race is
+a-strivin' to git ahaid in the world, 'at ought
+to fetch these yere new-issue cullid folks
+w'ich," I says, "is seemin'ly become so
+plentiful up Nawth. But mainly I'd stick
+to the laffin' line ef I wuz you&mdash;niggers is
+one kind of folks in 'is country w'ich they
+ain't afeard to laff. An' whutever else you
+does," I says, "don't mess wid no race problem.
+We gits mouty tired, sometimes, of
+bein' treated the way we of'en is. Tek my
+own case," I says. "I ain't no problem, I's
+a pusson. I craves to be so reguarded. An'
+tha's the way I alluz is been reguarded by
+my own kind of w'ite folks down whar I
+comes frum," I says.</p>
+
+<p>"Say," he says, when I gets through saying
+this, "I think you've earned another ten-spot."
+And with that he shoves one more of
+them desirable bills at me; which he don't
+have no real struggle inducing me to take<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span>
+it. Because I'm a powerful easy person to
+control in such matters. And always has
+been, from a child up.</p>
+
+<p>"I was practically convinced all along
+that the proposition was worth trying," he
+says. "What you say helps to confirm a
+judgment I already had. Well, don't forget
+about coming to see me if you want work
+in my line&mdash;there may be plenty of it if this
+thing pans out." And he shakes hands with
+me again and walks off.</p>
+
+<p>Right after that a young white gentleman
+he comes looking for me to take down my
+full entitlements and he says I will be honorably
+mentioned by name on the program
+of the picture which they now is making,
+when it's done. And Mr. Dallas he tells
+me I can take the rest of the day off for to
+celebrate having broke into the movies.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter X</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Black Belt</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>BUT I figures I has got something better
+to do than just to be gallivanting
+to and fro on a frolic. A notion has
+busted out insides of my brains. So right
+off I puts off across town for West One-Hundred
+and Thirty-fifth Street hoping
+for to find one U. S. G. Petty, Colored.</div>
+
+<p>Some time back, as I remembers, I made
+brief mention about having affiliated myself
+into the Pastime Colored Pleasure and
+Recreation Club, Inc. Only, the last word&mdash;<i>Inc.</i>&mdash;is
+not usually spoke when you is
+naming the club, by reason of its sounding
+so much like a personal reflection upon the
+prevailing complexion of some of the members.
+Still, that is the way it is wrote out
+on the letter-heads and the initiation blanks.</p>
+
+<p>I has belonged for going on more than a
+month now and I spends much of my spare<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span>
+time in the club-rooms. I feels more comfortable
+among my fellow-affiliators than I
+does any place else in this town. Looking
+back on it I'm convinced 'twas up there I
+first began to get shut of the grievous homestick
+pangs which afflicted me so sorefully
+following after our advent into these parts.
+Up to now I has not spoke of my being
+homesick because it seemed like to me the
+mainest job was to set down what come to
+pass without paying much heed to private
+sensations upon the part of the scribe
+thereof, but, if the truth must now be confessed,
+I oftentimes was mighty nigh completely
+overcome by my sufferings from
+the same during them opening weeks of the
+present sojourn.</p>
+
+<p>At the beginning I used to get so tired,
+night-times, tramping about streets which
+was full of utter strangers and not never
+speaking a word to nobody nor seeing a
+friendly face, that I liked to died, dad-blame
+if I didn't! If I stood still they'd run
+right on over me and if I walked on I didn't
+have nowheres to go and I'd be so exhaustified
+from looking at sights all by myself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span>
+that I'd get to wishing I'd never see another
+sight again as long as I lived, without
+I had somebody I knowed along with me to
+help me look at it. And then I'd come
+morosing on back to the apartment and
+probably Mr. Dallas he'd be out and nobody
+there but that there slick-headed Japanee
+boy. I tried sociable talk with him
+once or twice but you really don't derive no
+great amount of nourishment from talking
+with somebody which thinks language is
+sucking your breath in through your front
+teeth and once in awhile grinning like one
+of these here pumpkin Jack-mer-lanterns.
+So I soon learned the lesson of just letting
+him be.</p>
+
+<p>I'd go on back to my room and take off
+my shoes for to ease my aching feet; but
+whilst taking off your shoes is good for your
+feet it don't help the ache in your soul none.
+I'd set at the window and look out on them
+millions and millions of lights, all winking
+and blinking at me like hostile bright eyes,
+and away down below me in the street I
+could hear old automobile horns blatting
+like lost ghosts, and every now and then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span>
+there'd rise up to my ears a sort of a rumble
+and a roar, like as if New York City was
+having indigestion pains; and I'll say it
+positively was lonesome. I could shut my
+eyes and see my own home-town with the
+shade trees leaning down towards the sidewalks
+like they was interested in what went
+on underneath them, and I could hear the
+voices of the neighbors, both white and
+black, calling back and forth to one another
+and I could seem to smell frying cat-fish
+spitting in the skillet at old Uncle Isom
+Woolfolk's hot snack-stand down back of
+the Market House, and I also could smell
+that damp, soothing kind of a smell which
+it rolls in off the river on a warm night and
+then&mdash;oh, my Blessed Maker!&mdash;something
+would hurt me like having the misery in
+your side.</p>
+
+<p>That's the way it was very frequent at the
+outsetting. But pretty soon I gets acquainted
+with a couple of colored boys
+which works in the apartment house next
+door to ours&mdash;not West Indians but regulation
+colored boys, one being from Macon,
+Georgia, and one from Memphis, Tennessee&mdash;and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span>
+they takes to escorting me round
+with 'em at night, mainly in what the white
+folks calls the Harlem Black Belt. Fussing
+back and forth, thuslike, I makes yet more
+acquaintances and then&mdash;<i>bam</i>!&mdash;all at once
+there's a quick change in me and I ain't
+so choked up with lonesomeness like I was.
+All of a sudden my having lived heretofore
+always down in Kentucky has become to me
+just a kind of a far-off dream and it's almost
+like as if I had been a New York residenter
+for years past. 'Specially does I feel
+so when I goes up to the Pastime Club;
+which I joins it by invitation about a month
+ago and is now already being talked of for
+one of the honory offices at the next annual
+election which will come along in about
+five or six weeks from now.</p>
+
+<p>I finds that the most of my race up here
+aims to copy their actions after white folks
+when they is showing themselves off in public.
+They is forever trying to talk like
+whites and trying to appear deeply oninterested
+in passing things, the same as some
+white folks does, and even trying to think
+like whites, I expect. But when they gets<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span>
+off amongst themselves their natural feelings
+comes out on 'em and the true coloredism
+breaks forth and they cuts loose and enjoys
+themselves regardless. That's the way
+it is behind the closed doors of our club-rooms.
+Also, there's suitable games and indoor
+sports such as coon-can and two-bit-limit
+poker with the joker running wild and
+a round of rumdoodlums after every face-full;
+and when hunger gnaws at you there's
+a Chinee restaurant right handy by, which
+it caters 'specially to the colored trade.
+Here is where I first meets a crock of this
+here chop suey face to face; which it may
+be a Chinee dish but certainly is got a kind
+of an African flavor to it. If you can't get
+a mess of cow-peas and some real corn-pones
+and maybe half a fried young spring
+chicken with an abundance of gravy, I
+don't know of nothing which makes a more
+desirable light snack between meals than
+about fifty cents worth of chop suey with a
+double order of boiled rice on the side and
+some of that there greasy black Chinee
+sauce to sop it in.</p>
+
+<p>It's one time in the front room of the club<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span>
+that I first takes special notice of this here
+U. S. G. Petty, which he is the same person
+I goes a-seeking upon leaving the studios
+on this day in question. The way he
+comes to bring himself to my attention is
+this way: One night five or six of us Pastimers
+in good standing is setting round not
+doing nothing in particular, but just setting,
+when talk arises concerning of Gabriel, the
+Black Prophet of Abyssinia, which his name
+is now on everybody's tongue, more or less.</p>
+
+<p>It seems that the Black Prophet come
+a-projecting himself onto the local scene last
+spring, him claiming to hail from a far-off
+latitude called Abyssinia, and immediately
+he creates a big to-do, which is only to be
+expected considering of his general aspect.
+In the first place, he's a powerful orator and
+just overflowing with noble large words.
+In the second place, he's a great big over-bearing-looking
+man and wearing at all
+times a flowing garment of purple like the
+night-shirt of a king, and instead of having
+a hat on he's got his head all bandaged up
+in many silken folds like he's got scalp-trouble.
+Naturally, folks turns out to look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span>
+at him; but language and curious clothes
+is not the sole things by which he recommends
+himself. He's got something even
+more compelling to the colored mind than
+what these two is&mdash;he's had a glorious vision,
+so he states, and he craves for to tell
+about it on all occasions where folks'll give
+heed; which they freely does, because he
+certainly can explain the whyfores and
+'numerate the whereases and show the
+whereins. But showing wherein is his
+main hold.</p>
+
+<p>From the way he tells it, he laid down
+one night in his native country for to sleep
+and whilst he slept an angel appeared before
+him in a dream bearing a flaming scroll
+and a golden sword, and the angel anointed
+his brows with the oils of understanding
+and wiped the scales of blindness from off
+his eyes and smeared his lips with the salves
+of eloquence&mdash;altogether, it seem like the
+angel must a-been working on him half the
+night getting him greased-up to suit. And
+along towards morning the command is
+laid on him to go forth into the world and
+deliver his race from bondage in every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span>
+hemisphere there is. So it transpires that
+he takes his foot in his hand and he comes
+on across the seas over to these here United
+States of North America and starts in his
+ministrations in New York. Leastwise,
+that is the account as he lays it down; which
+he calls it an inspired prophecy from On
+High but it sounds more to me like an inspired
+real-estate scheme, because the plan
+as he preaches it is that all us black folks
+everywhere must straight-away rise ourselves
+up and follow after him, which he
+will then lead us back to our original own
+country of Affika where he will cause all
+the white folks which has settled there to
+pull out and leave us in sole charge for to
+rule the state and run our own government
+and be a free and independent people from
+thenceforth on forever. So you pays down
+so much for to join and so much every
+month in dues and soon then&mdash;to hear him
+tell it&mdash;you will be happy on your way
+across the ocean to find your haven in the
+Promised Land.</p>
+
+<p>But not me! I ain't lost no haven.
+Moreover, if ever anybody does promise me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span>
+one-such I ain't aiming to go seeking after
+it under the guidnance of a dark stranger
+which he ain't no credentials for to endorse
+him in my eyes, excusing it's a purple silk
+night-shirt and a tale about him having
+been lubricated all over with a lot of different
+kinds of fancy ointments by an Abyssinian
+angel. No sir, if I has to do traveling in
+extreme foreign-off parts I'll go along with
+some of my own white folks which I can put
+trust in their words and dependence on their
+acts. And, finally, the idea of my returning
+to Affika does not seem to appeal to me in
+no way nor at no time whatsomever.
+What's the use of returning to a place
+where you ain't never been? As I says to
+myself the first time the notion is expounded
+to me, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't frum Affika, I is frum Paducah,
+Kintucky. Some of my former folks may
+a-hailed frum there&mdash;leas'wise, tha's the
+common rumor&mdash;but the Poindexter fambly
+is been away so long it seems lak I ain't inherited
+the taste to 'go traipsin' back. Mo'over,
+ef whut I heahs 'bout it is correc', Affika
+is full of alligators an' lions an' onreconciled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span>
+Bengal tigers an' man-eatin' cannibals,
+w'ich I wouldn't be surprised but
+whut they all of 'em 'specially favors the
+dark meat. An' yere I is, a pernounced
+brunette! So, w'en they starts makin' up
+the excursion list they kin kin'ly leave my
+name off, 'cause I 'spects to be very busily
+engaged stayin' right whar I dog-goned
+is!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XI</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Afric Shores</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>THUS is what I says to myself, very
+first crack out of the box and I subsequent
+sees no reason for to change
+my views. But this night at the Pastime
+when the subject is brung forward for discussion,
+I just lurks in a corner, not saying
+nothing myself but doing some very vigorous
+listening. Being a new member, the
+way I is, I prefers not to declare myself in
+at the go-off but just to sort of hang back
+and catch the general drift of the old heads
+before I commits myself.</div>
+
+<p>Regardless of your private convictions it
+don't hurt you none, sometimes, to throw in
+with the majority. Traveling with the current
+instead of against it, you maybe is not
+so prominent but you gets fewer bumps
+across your head. A minnow sliding downstream
+with a passel of other minnows<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span>
+stands a heap better chance of leading a
+pleasant life than if he strives for to conspicious
+himself by swimming upstream all
+by himself. Old Brother Channel Cat is
+liable to come sauntering down past the
+towhead and see him going along there all
+alone, and open wide that there big mouth
+of his and then, little Mr. Minnow, I asks
+you, where is you?</p>
+
+<p>So I sets and hearkens to the pow-wowing.
+It seems that two or three present has
+been swept right off their feet by the masterful
+preachments of this here Gabriel the
+Black Prophet. They is all organized up
+for to accept him as the chosen apostle of
+the colored race. It looks like they can't
+hardly wait for the blessed day to come
+when they'll pull out with him. They
+'lows a lot of these here overbearing white
+folks is going to feel mighty funny the
+morning they wakes up and finds that all
+the black folks is done up and gone from
+'em and there ain't nobody left for to pack
+their heavy burdens for 'em and wait on
+'em, without they turns in and does it themselves.
+They says a lot more like that.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span>
+And pretty soon the old camp-meeting tone
+comes creeping into their voices and their
+eyes starts shining like they was repentant
+sinners gathered at the mourners' bench
+and they begins to sort of sing their words
+and generally work themselves up into a
+state of grace.</p>
+
+<p>Right about then this here U. S. G. Petty,
+which they calls him 'Lisses for short,
+speaks up. Until now he has been reared
+back in his chair listening, the same as I is.
+But now he opens up and his words hits
+them onthusiastic ones like a dipperful of
+ice-water throwed in their faces.</p>
+
+<p>He says to 'em, he says:</p>
+
+<p>"W'en does all you niggers 'at's so homesick
+fur the sight of the dear Affikin shore
+aims to start on yore jubilatin' way? I is
+heared a lot tonight an' other times, too,
+'bout this yere journey. I is heared it called
+a crusade an' a pilgrimage an' a whole
+passel of other fancy names. But so fur,
+nobody ain't confided to me the details of
+the departure."</p>
+
+<p>"The fust batch goes ez soon ez the fust
+boat is ready," says one of the true believers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span>
+name of Oscar Jordan. "An' the rest
+will follow wid rejoicin' on the other boats
+of the fleet, ez they is made ready."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, me, I ain't seen hair nur hide of
+one boat yit," says 'Lisses, "let alone it's a
+whole fleet."</p>
+
+<p>"But ain't you seen the pitcher of her in
+the litrychure w'ich the Black Prophet give
+out?" says Oscar.</p>
+
+<p>"I has, Brother," says 'Lisses; "I suttinly
+has. I also has seen pitchers of the late
+Kaiser Ex-Wilhellum of Germany, but
+that ain't no sign I 'spects to meet him strollin'
+up Lenox Avenue some pleasant mawnin'
+this comin' week."</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, but the bindin' paymints is done
+been made on the fust ship," says Oscar.
+"The Grand Treasurer, w'ich he is the
+Black Prophet's brother-in-law by marriage,
+he announce' the full perticulars at
+the las' monster mass meetin'. He specify
+she is to have a cullid brass-band on bode
+an' a cullid string-band an' a cullid crew an'
+a cullid cap'n an'&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Uh huh!" says 'Lisses, "A cullid cap'n,
+huh? All right, boy, you kin give yore confidences<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span>
+to a cullid cap'n ef you's a-mind to.
+But, speakin' ez yore friend an' well-wisher
+I should advise you at the same time w'en
+you is pickin' out your fav'rit' cullid cap'n
+'at you lakwise also picks out yore fav'rit'
+flower fur display at the memorial services
+in case of a storm comin' up on the way
+acrost the high seas. 'Cause," he says, "it
+stands to reason the higher them seas is the
+deeper they is; an' ef you gits yo'se'f
+drownded out yonder it'll be a tho'ough
+job. Mind you," he says, "I ain't sayin'
+nothin' agin my own race so long ez they remains
+whar they natchelly belongs, w'ich is
+on the solid ground. But ef I'm goin' journey
+acros't the broad Newlantic Ocean I
+craves me a w'ite cap'n&mdash;yas, an' a w'ite
+crew, too."</p>
+
+<p>One or two, including this here Oscar,
+tries to break in on him but he keeps right
+on. He says to 'em, he says:</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder is you Ole Home-Weekers
+been figgerin' out how you is goin' git control
+of yore beloved native Affika w'en you
+arrives safely tharin? Seems lak to me tha's
+a p'int w'ich you better be payin' a right<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span>
+smart attention to it befo'hand. 'Cause,
+frum whut I kin gather, w'ite folks is done
+already laid claim to the most part of Affika
+w'ich is fit fur a Christian to live in.
+I bet you wharever they is a diamond-mine
+or a gold diggin's or an ivory-mine or anythin'
+wuth havin', you'll find a bunch of
+w'ite men roostin' close't by, wid 'Posted'
+signs up on every hand. Whut does you aim
+to do 'en?"</p>
+
+<p>"They ain't got no right fur to be thar in
+the fust place," says Oscar. "The Prophet
+done oratate fully 'bout that. Didn't Affika
+belong to us black folkses to begin wid?
+Has we ever deeded it away? No, that we
+ain't! Then it's still our'n, ain't it? So,
+therefo', we goes back in force an' th'ough
+our chosen leaders we demands 'at these
+yere trespassers re-hands it back over to its
+rightful owners, w'ich," he says, "tha's us."</p>
+
+<p>"Even so," says 'Lisses, "even so. You
+lands an' you demands&mdash;an' 'en whut?
+This yere country belonged once't upon a
+time to the Injuns. An' w'ite folks come
+along an' chiseled 'em out of it, didn't they?
+They shore did so! But I ain't heared 'bout<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span>
+no gin'el movemint in favor of turnin' it
+back over ag'in to the Injuns. The Injuns
+mout feel that-a-way but I ain't 'spectin' to
+see many w'ite folkses votin' in favor of it.</p>
+
+<p>"Lis'sen: Once't you let w'ite folks git
+they feets rooted in the ground an' they
+stays fast, reguardless of whut the former
+perprietors may think 'bout it. W'ite folks
+in gin'el is very funny that way an' more
+'specially ef they is Angler-Saxons. I don't
+know, myse'f, whar this yere Angler-Saxony
+is. I done look fur it on the map an'
+'tain't thar. I reckin so many Angler-Saxons
+must a-moved off to other parts of the
+world seekin' whut they could confisticate
+unto theyselves 'at the 'riginal country they
+hailed frum has done vanish'. Jedgin' by
+they names, some of 'em must a-been Scotch
+an' some of 'em must a-been Irish and plenty
+more of 'em must a-been English; but no
+matter whut they names is, they is all alak
+in one respec': an' tha's clingin' fast to all
+the onimproved real-estate w'ich they gits
+they hands on. I knows, 'cause I wuz born
+and brung up 'mongst 'em down in No'th
+Ca'lina. An' they is still a right smart<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span>
+sprinklin' of 'em lef' 'round these yere
+No'the'n parts, too. You jest try to mek
+'em give up somethin' w'ich they desires fur
+to keep on keepin' it, an' you'll find 'em a
+powerful onhealthy crowd to prank wid.
+They's a heap of talk," he says, "'bout the
+other races, w'ich is pourin' in yere, crowdin'
+'em plum out of Noo Yawk City in time,
+notwithstandin' of 'em havin' been amongst
+the fust settlers yere. But lemme tell you
+somethin': Ef they wuzn' but two of them
+Angler-Saxons lef' in this whole town I bet
+you one of 'em would be the mayor an' the
+other'd be the chief of police. Next to
+holdin' on to the land, runnin' the gov'mint
+is the most fav'rit' sport they follows after.</p>
+
+<p>"An'," he says, "ef 'at is true of this yere
+country, you tek it frum me it's true of Affika.
+Me, I looks fur a lot of cullid fun'els
+to tek place befo' you has yore wish 'bout
+regainin' yore former homestids over thar,"
+he says. Then his tone sort of changes.
+"But," he says, "I has jest been statin' the
+argumints on the No side. I wants to be
+fair, so I will lakwise 'low there's somethin'
+to be said on yore side, too. In fact," he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span>
+says, "ef only the suitable 'rangemints kin
+be made befo'hand, I aims to onlist myse'f
+in wid the movemint an' give to it," he
+says, "my most hearties' suppo't."</p>
+
+<p>That seems to sort of take 'em by surprise.
+This here Oscar Jordan, being the
+most gabby one, is the first to get over his
+surprisement.</p>
+
+<p>"How come you kin feel that way, 'Lisses,"
+he says, "w'en fur the pas' ten minutes
+you been preachifyin' agin the whole notion?
+How come you willin' fur to remove
+yo'se'f off to the perposed All-Affikin Republic
+ef you holds them views w'ich you
+jest expound?"</p>
+
+<p>"Who, me?" says 'Lisses. "You got me
+wrong! I ain't aimin' to remove myse'f nowhars.
+I is mos' comfor'ble whar I is at.
+No suh, what I aims to do is to 'tach myse'f
+to the collector's office yere at home an'
+handle the money-dues ez they comes a-rollin'
+in frum the rest of you niggers. That's
+goin' be me an' my job&mdash;collectin' an' also
+disbursin'&mdash;'specially the las'-named."</p>
+
+<p>I rises from where I is setting and I
+crosses to him and I extends to him the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span>
+right hand of fellowship and I says to him,
+I says:</p>
+
+<p>"You," I says, "an' me both! I nominates
+myse'f to he'p you wid them duties.
+Brother Petty," I says, "you speaks words
+of wisdom w'ich they sounds lak my own.
+Le's us two promenade fo'th into the fresh
+air of the evenin'," I says, "an' exchange
+mo' views on the subjec's of the day. I
+feels," I says, "'at we is goin' be agreeable
+companions one to the other an' vice or
+versa."</p>
+
+<p>So from that hour we becomes good
+friends and sees quite much of one another.
+And the more I sees of him the better the
+cut of his jib seems to suit me. He follows
+after cornet-playing for a living. He plays
+in the orchestra at the Colored Crescent
+Vaudeville Theatre on the corner below
+where the Pastime Club is, so, what with
+him being in the profession and us friends
+and all, I thinks of him the next minute
+after this big idea comes to me up at the
+studio and that's why I goes seeking for him
+in West One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth
+Street; which without much trouble I finds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span>
+him. I takes him aside and I starts telling
+him what I has in my mind. Before I has
+been speechifying to him more than a minute
+I can tell he's getting interested and he
+begs me for to continue. And when I gets
+through he's just acclamatious over the notion
+of going in partners with me on the
+proposition. So we spends the rest of the
+day and until far into the night discussing
+the thing from every angle.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XII</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Business Deals</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>BRIGHT and early next morning,
+along about half past ten o'clock,
+which is bright and early for New
+York, I is at Mr. Simons' offices down on
+Broadway. I sends my name in to him by
+a white boy which is on guard in an outside
+room amongst a lot of gold railings.
+In lessen no time at all the word comes
+back that I is to walk right in. I walks in
+and I finds Mr. Simons setting behind the
+largest desk that ever I seen, in a room
+mighty near big enough for a church. He
+acts like he's glad to see me again and he
+invites me for to have a seat and tell him
+what's on my mind because, he says, he
+found my conversation the day previous to
+be most edifying and helpful.</div>
+
+<p>So I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Boss, I wants to ast you a question an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span>
+'pun yore answer depends whither or no
+I'm goin' ast you a favor lakwise?"</p>
+
+<p>"Shoot," he says.</p>
+
+<p>I says:</p>
+
+<p>"The question comes fust, w'ich it is ez
+follows: Ef you is earnest 'bout goin' into
+the mekin' of cullid pitchers fur cullid audiences,
+lak you told me yistiddy, I desires
+please, suh, to know w'en you aims to give
+out yore plans to the public at large th'ough
+the newspapers?"</p>
+
+<p>He says:</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty soon, I guess&mdash;just as soon as I
+get the scheme sort of shaped up. Why&mdash;did
+you want a job when we open up?"</p>
+
+<p>"Naw suh, not 'at so much," I says. "I
+got a stiddy job now, valettin' fur Mr. Dallas
+Pulliam. But I has a right smart extra
+time on my hands an' I is been kind of
+figgerin' on mebbe doin' a little somethin'
+on the side in my sparin' hours. An' so,
+whut I 'specially craves to know frum you
+is whether, w'en you gits ready, you intends
+fur to 'nounce yore plans in the cullid
+papers yere in this town?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he says, "I hadn't thought of it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span>
+before. But if it would mean anything to
+you I'd see to it, personally, that it was
+done and also that in the press notices your
+name was mentioned in a complimentary
+way as having given us valuable aid and
+advice&mdash;something of that sort. I suppose
+you'd like to be put in a favorable light
+among your friends. Well, I don't blame
+you. I'm somewhat addicted to printers'
+ink myself. Was that the favor you wanted
+to ask of me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yas suh," I says, "in a way it 'tis an' then
+again, in a way, it 'tain't. Yere's the idee,
+boss: I wants to know frum you befo'hand,
+ef you please, w'en you perposes to mek the
+'nouncemint 'cause on 'at se'f-same day
+they'll be 'nother 'nouncemint in the cullid
+papers settin' fo'th 'at the new firm of
+Poindexter &amp; Petty 'spectfully desires to
+state 'at they is openin' a bookin'-agency fur
+cullid movin'-pitcher actors in the neighborhood
+an' 'at lakwise also, in connection
+wid it, a school fur trainin' cullid folks how
+to ack fur the screen will later on be added
+on."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>He rears back in his chair and sort of
+smiles to himself, quiet-like.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I see," he says. "I congratulate you
+on being wide-awake, anyhow. But," he
+says, "what do you know about training
+people to act for the screen?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, suh," I says, "I wuz aimin' to pick
+up a few p'inters yere an' thar fur future
+use. An' ef the wust comes to the wust," I
+says, "I kin get me a pair of these yere tall
+yaller leather leggin's an' a megaphome an'
+ack influential an' mebbe I could thar'by
+git by," I says.</p>
+
+<p>"Some of the white directors are getting
+by with about that much equipment," he
+says. "Perhaps you could, too. Well, anyhow,
+the venture has my best wishes for its
+success. I can promise you a little more
+than that: It's probable that later on I can
+throw some business in your way."</p>
+
+<p>"Thanky, suh, mos' kindly," I says. "'At
+wuz mainly whut I wuz hopin' fur."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you need any funds to help you out
+in financing your undertaking?" he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Naw suh, I thinks not," I says. "I got
+some ready cash on hand an' my partner<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span>
+he's goin' put in a amount ekel to whut I
+risks. Ef I needs any more on top of 'at,
+I aims to ast Mr. Dallas Pulliam fur a small
+loan."</p>
+
+<p>Then I tells him we lives at the Wheatley
+Court so he can write to me there as soon
+as he is ready to proceed ahead, and I bids
+him good-bye and goes back on up-town
+with hope singing inside of me like one of
+these here yellow-breast field-larks down
+home.</p>
+
+<p>It turns out though it's a good thing we
+don't need no borrowed capital from Mr.
+Dallas' pocketbook at the outsetting because
+in lessen two months from that time Old
+Miss Bad Luck starts shooting at him with
+the scatter-gun of trouble, both barrels at
+once.</p>
+
+<p>Which I will go into full details about
+all that mess the next time I takes my pen
+in hand.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XIII</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Private Life</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>IT seems to me it's highly suitable that
+I should get to the edge of telling about
+Mr. Dallas' misfortunate visitations
+just as Chapter the Thirteenth is starting,
+which, as everybody knows full well already,
+thirteen is the unluckiest number
+there is in the whole alphabet.</div>
+
+<p>When you projects with old Lady Thirteen
+you flirts with sudden disaster. With
+Mr. Dallas, though, his troubles don't come
+on all at once, like a stroke; they comes on
+sort of gradual, one behind the other, like
+the symptoms of a lingering complaint.</p>
+
+<p>Up to a certain point everything with us
+has gone along very lovely, the same as usual,
+with parties occurring regular at the
+apartment and the Japanee boy cooking up
+fancy mixtures, and me serving drinks by
+the drove. Thanksgiving time we has a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span>
+special blow-out with twelve setting down
+to the table at once.</p>
+
+<p>But Christmas is when we cuts loose and
+just naturally out-todos all previous todos.
+All day long folks is dropping in to sample
+the available refreshments and most of 'em
+likes the sample so well they camps right
+there till far into the night. I mingles up
+a big glass reservoir full of egg-nog, which
+it seems to give 'special satisfaction to one
+and all. The way these here guests of ours
+bails it up you'd think they was in a sinking
+skiff half a mile from shore. As he ladles
+out the first batch Mr. Dallas states that this
+here egg-nog is made according to a recipe
+which has been handed down in his family
+since right after the Revolutionizing War.
+But when she's took the second helping,
+Miss O'Brien, who's got a mighty peart
+way about her of saying things, allows that
+it shore must be older even than that&mdash;she
+says she's willing to bet it had a good deal
+to do with bringing on the revolution.</p>
+
+<p>Of all the crowd that Mr. Dallas is in
+with, I likes her the best. She's got a powerful
+high temper and is prone to flare up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span>
+when matters don't go to suit her; but it
+seems like to me she ain't devoting so much
+of her time as some of the others is to seeing
+what she can get for nothing. Sometimes
+I catches her looking at Mr. Dallas like as
+if she's sort of sorry for him on account of
+some reason or other. But to look at him
+on this Christmas Day, doing his entertainingest
+best, you'd think nothing had ever
+bothered him and that nothing ever would.
+As long as that egg-nog holds out he's
+bound and determined the party shall be a
+success. Which it is!</p>
+
+<p>But Mr. Bellows he ain't got no storage
+room for egg-nogs. Seemingly he figures
+that all them eggs and that rich cream and
+sugar and stuff will take up space which is
+needed for chambering the hard liquor.
+He just sets off in a corner with a bottle of
+Scotch and a bottle of squirtwater handy
+by, curing his drought, or striving to. He
+may not be such very good company but
+one thing they've got to say for him&mdash;he's a
+man of regular habits. You may not like
+the habits, but they certainly is regular. I
+hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once that Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span>
+Bellows can hold any given number of
+drinks, sort of pressing her voice down on
+the word "given." She don't need to say
+it twice, neither, so far as I personally is
+concerned.</p>
+
+<p>I got her the first time.</p>
+
+<p>It's maybe two or three days after Christmas&mdash;anyhow
+it's somewheres around the
+middle of Christmas week&mdash;that I first
+takes notice of a sort of a change coming
+over Mr. Dallas' feelings. When there's
+nobody else round but just me and him he
+acts plumb bothered. His appetite is more
+picky-and-choosy than it used to be; and by
+these signs I can tell something is on his
+mind a-preying. On New Year's Eve he
+goes forth with his friends for a party but
+first they all stops by our place for what
+they calls appetizers and whilst they is gathered
+together it comes out that him and
+Miss Bill-Lee is now engaged. Not no
+regular announcement is made but all of a
+sudden, seems like, everybody present appears
+to know how things stand with him
+and her. Also, Miss Bill-Lee starts in
+treating him more or less like he belonged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span>
+to her. I don't scarcely know how to state
+it in words, but it's like as if up until now
+she's been holding a piece of property under
+mortgage but has finally decided for to
+foreclose on it and is eager for the papers
+to be fixed up in order for to begin making
+improvements and alterations. She's what
+you might call proprietary.</p>
+
+<p>Well, I can't say the news is much of a
+shock to me, seeing what has been the general
+drift of events since last August when
+we first got here. But, on the other hand,
+neither I can't say that, considering everything,
+I'm actually overcome with joyfulness
+on Mr. Dallas' personal account.</p>
+
+<p>I can't keep from thinking to myself that
+he's fixing to marry himself off into a
+mighty different set of folks from the kind
+he was born and brung up amongst. And
+I can't keep from thinking what a sight of
+difference there is betwixt this here Miss
+DeWitt and Miss Henrietta Farrell, which,
+as I said before, he was courting her before
+we moved to New York. One of 'em sort
+of puts me in mind of a rosebud picked out
+of the garden in the dew of the morning and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span>
+the other, which I means by that, Miss De
+Witt, reminds me of one of these here big
+pale magnolia blooms which has growed
+on the edge of a swamp. I ain't meaning
+no disrespect by having these thoughts;
+only I can't keep from having 'em.</p>
+
+<p>I reckon it's having them ideas floating
+round in my head which makes me study
+Mr. Dallas 'specially close that New Year's
+Eve. For all that he's laughing and joking
+and carrying on, I figures that way down
+deep insides of him he ain't entirely happy
+over what's come out. By my calculations,
+he ain't got the true feelings which a forthcoming
+bridegroom should have. As near
+as I can judge, he ain't hopeful so much as
+he's sort of resignated. Also and furthermore,
+likewise, he's got a kind of a puzzled-up
+beflusterated look on his face as if he'd
+been took up short by something he wasn't
+exactly expecting to happen so soon, if at
+all. It ain't exactly bewildedment and it
+ain't exactly distressfulness; but it's something
+that's distant kinsfolks to both of 'em.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XIV</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Oiled Skids</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>ANYWAY, that's that, as we says up
+here. I will now pass along to
+what comes to pass about two weeks
+later on. All along through them two
+weeks Mr. Dallas don't impress me like a
+young man should which he is starting out
+in the New Year full of good cheer and
+bright prospects. As the catch-word goes,
+he ain't at himself. At the breakfast table
+when I'm passing things to him he's often
+looking hard at nothing at all. It's plain
+his thoughts is far away and not so very
+happy in the place where they've strayed
+off to, neither.</div>
+
+<p>Well, on this particular day, which it is
+along toward the middle of the present
+month of January, he don't get home from
+down-town until long after dinner-time and
+when he does get in he don't scarcely touch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span>
+a morsel to eat; he just pecks at the vittles.
+After dinner is over and the dishes washed
+up I passes through the hall on the way out,
+being bound for the Pastime Club to consultate
+with 'Lisses Petty touching on our
+own private affairs. Mr. Dallas had
+told me at dinner that I could have the evening
+off and there was not no reason why
+I should linger on. But as I passes the setting-room
+door I looks in and he's setting
+there, sort of haunched down in his chair,
+with his elbows resting on a little table and
+his face in his hands, seemingly mighty
+lonesome. Something seems to come over
+me and I steps in and I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, fur interruptin'
+yore ponderin's, but is they anythin' I kin
+do fur you befo' I goes on out?"</p>
+
+<p>He sort of starts and looks up at me, and
+if ever I sees miserableness staring forth
+from a person's eyes I sees it now. He
+speaks to me then and what he says hits me
+with a jolt. Because this is what he says:</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff, why is it that white people are forever
+committing suicide on account of their
+private worries but you never hear of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span>
+darky killing himself for the same reason?"</p>
+
+<p>I studies for a minute and then I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Dallas, I reckin it's 'is yere
+way: A w'ite man gits hisse'f in trouble an'
+he can't seem to see no way to git shet of it.
+An' so he sets down an' he thinks an' he
+thinks an' he thinks, and after 'w'ile he
+shoots hisse'f. A nigger-man gits in trouble
+an' he sets down an' he thinks an' he thinks
+an' he thinks&mdash;an' after 'w'ile he goes to
+sleep!"</p>
+
+<p>He smiles the least little bit at that. But
+it is not no regulation smile&mdash;it's more like
+the ha'nting ghost of one.</p>
+
+<p>"But suppose you're brooding so hard
+you can't sleep?" he says.</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't never seen no nigger yit," I says,
+"but whut he could sleep ef the baid wuz
+soft 'nuff. They may not be many 'vantages
+in bein' black, the way the country is organized,"
+I says, "but this is shore one place
+whar my culler has it the best."</p>
+
+<p>He don't say anything back at me. So
+after lingering a little bit I starts to move
+on out. And then another one of them inmost
+promptings leads me to speak again:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "sometimes we kin
+lif' the load of our pestermints ef only we
+talks 'bout 'em to somebody else. Sometimes,"
+I says, "it's keepin' 'em all corked
+up tight on the insides of us w'ich meks the
+burden bear down so heavy.... Wuz they
+anything else, suh, 'at you wished fur to
+ast me?"</p>
+
+<p>It seems like my words must have put a
+fresh notion in his head.</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "you're right. I've got
+to confide in somebody&mdash;or else explode.
+Besides," he says, "I figure that if there is
+one person in all the five or six million
+people in this town who's likely to be a
+real friend to me, it's you. And while my
+talking to you probably can't do any good,
+it certainly can't do any harm."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I is yore frien' an'
+yore desperit well-wisher, besides. Sence
+I been wukkin' fur you you shore is used me
+mouty kind. I ain't never had nary speck
+nur grain of complaint to find wid yore
+way of treatin' me. You's w'ite an' I is
+black," I says, "an' sometimes, seems lak
+to me, the two races is driftin' fu'ther apart<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span>
+day by day; but all that ain't henderin' me
+frum havin' yore bes' intrusts at heart.</p>
+
+<p>"An' so, suh, ef you feels lak givin' me
+yore confidences I'm yere to heed an' to
+hearken an' do my humble but level bes' fur
+to aid you, ef so be ez I kin."</p>
+
+<p>"I believe you," he says, "and I'm grateful
+to you.... Well, Jeff, to put it plainly,
+I've gone and got myself tangled up in a
+bad mess."</p>
+
+<p>"Whut way, suh?" I says.</p>
+
+<p>"In two ways," he says; "in business&mdash;and
+in another way. I've been an ass, Jeff&mdash;a
+blind, witless ass. This life here was
+so different from any I'd ever known&mdash;so
+different and so fascinating&mdash;that it just
+swept me off my feet. I've been drifting
+along with my eyes shut, having my fling,
+letting today take care of itself and with
+no thought of tomorrow. As I look back
+on it, it strikes me I always have been more
+or less of a drifter. Down yonder, among
+our own people, there always was somebody
+who'd step in once in awhile and
+check me up. But up here in this big selfish
+greedy town, among strangers, I've had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span>
+nobody to advise me or to show me where
+I was making a fool of myself. And, believe
+me, I have made a fool of myself. I
+guess what I need is a guardian&mdash;only I
+doubt whether I'd find the money eventually
+to pay for his services.... Jeff, if
+I was free of these&mdash;these&mdash;well, these entanglements&mdash;I
+tell you right now I'd be
+willing to quit New York tomorrow and
+take the next train back home where I belong."</p>
+
+<p>He studies a minute and then he continues
+to resume:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he says, "I'd head for home in the
+morning&mdash;if I could. It has taken a hard
+jolt to open my eyes but, believe me, they're
+opened now. The chief trouble is, though,
+that even with them opened I can't see any
+way out of the tangle I'm in. Jeff, the big
+mistake I made at the start was that I tied
+up with the wrong outfit. I thought I was
+joining in with a group of typical successful
+live New Yorkers; I know now how
+wrong I was. There must be plenty of
+real people here&mdash;people who take life in
+moderation; people who are fair and kindly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span>
+and reasonable; people who can find
+pleasure in simple things and who don't
+pretend to know all there is to know, or to
+be what they're not. But I haven't met
+them; I've been too busy running with the
+other kind."</p>
+
+<p>Down in my soul I says to myself there's
+a chance for him to pull out yet if he's beginning
+to see the brass-work shining
+through the gold plating which has so
+dazzled him up heretofores. Yes sir, if he's
+found out all by himself that New York
+City ain't exclusively and utterly composed
+of the Mr. H. C. Raynorses and the Mr.
+Hilary Bellowses and such, there certainly
+is hope for him still. All along, up to now,
+I've been saying to myself that it looks like
+the only future Mr. Dallas has to look forward
+to, is his past; but now I rejoices that
+he's done woke up from his happy trance.
+But of course I don't let on to him that such
+is my feelings. I merely says to him, I
+says:</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't the one to 'spute wid you on 'at
+p'int, suh. Naw suh, not me! But whut's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span>
+the reason you can't pull out frum yere, ef
+you's a-mind to?"</p>
+
+<p>At that he lights in and the language just
+pours out from him like a flood. There's
+a lot of rigmarole about business, and some
+parts of this I cannot seem to rightly get
+the straight of it into my head, but I'm
+pretty sure I gets the hang of all the main
+points clear enough. To begin with, I
+learns now for the first time that him and
+Mr. Raynor ain't actually been selling oil
+down-town; they've been selling oil-stocks,
+which as near as I can figure it out, an oil-stock
+is the same kin to oil that a milk-ticket
+is to milk, only it's like as if the man
+which sells you the milk-tickets ain't really
+got no cows rounded up yet but trusts in
+due time he'll be able to do so. Still, if
+there is folks scattered about who's willing
+to take the risk that the milkman will amass
+some cows somewhere and that the cows
+won't go dry or die on him or be grabbed by
+the sheriff and thereby leave the customers
+with a lot of nice new onusable milk-tickets
+on their hands why, the way I looks at it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span>
+there ain't no reason why their craving for
+to invest should not be gratified.</p>
+
+<p>It seems, furthermore, that Mr. Raynor
+ain't actually been selling as many oil stocks
+in the general market as he has let on.
+Leastwise, that is what Mr. Dallas suspicions,
+even if he can't prove it. When
+first they went into partners together last
+August, Mr. Dallas tells me he put up a
+large jag of money for his half-interest.
+He was content to let Mr. Raynor manage
+the business and keep the run of the books
+and all that, seeing as how Mr. Raynor had
+the experience in such matters and he
+didn't. Anyhow, he felt most amply satisfied
+with the gratifying amounts which Mr.
+Raynor kept handing over to him, saying it
+all was from the profits. But this very day
+there's been a show-down at the office growing
+out of Mr. Raynor having called on him
+to put up another big chunk of cash for
+running expenses, and whilst all the figures
+and all the details ain't been made manifest
+to Mr. Dallas yet, he's got mighty strong
+reasons to believe there really wasn't no
+profits to speak of and that the money he's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span>
+been drawing out all along was just his own
+money, which Mr. Raynor let him have it
+in order to keep him happy and contented
+whilst he was being sucked in deeper and
+deeper.</p>
+
+<p>And so now, Mr. Dallas says, that's how
+it stands. If he goes on and on along the
+way he seems to be headed it's only a question
+of time till all his money will be plumb
+drained from him. He tells me that he'd
+be willing to pull out now and take his
+losses and charge 'em up to the expenses of
+getting a Wall Street education only, he
+says, he can't. I asks him then what's the
+reason he can't? He says because when the
+papers was drawed up&mdash;by Mr. Raynor&mdash;he
+obligated himself in such a twistified
+way that it seems he's bound hard and fast
+to stick to the bitter end. Of course, he
+says, he might start a lawsuit and throw the
+whole thing into the courthouse, but, even
+so, he's afraid he wouldn't have a leg left
+to stand on by reason of his having tied himself
+up so tight in writing; and anyway, he
+says, before he got through with a lawsuit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span>
+most doubtless the lawyers would have all
+the leavings.</p>
+
+<p>To myself I says there is still another
+reason. I knows how much it would hurt
+Mr. Dallas' pride to have all the folks
+down home finding out that he's made another
+disasterful move in business. By
+roundabout ways it has come to my ears
+that he's been writing letters back telling
+about how well he's doing up here in New
+York and now, if it should come out in the
+papers that he's made one more bad bustup
+on top of all them finance mistakes he
+committed before he come North, and he
+should have to go South again, broke and
+shamed at being broke, I reckons it would
+just about kill him. Besides which I knows
+full well from hearing Judge Priest talking
+in the past, that even in medium-sized
+towns lawyers is plenty costive persons to
+hire for an important lawsuit, and in the
+biggest town of all, where the lawyers
+naturally run bigger, they'd cost a mighty
+heap more.</p>
+
+<p>When he gets through specifying the situation
+I gets another notion:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I wonder," I says, sort of casual-like,
+"I wonder, Mr. Dallas, w'y it wuz 'at Mr.
+H. C. Raynor should a-picked this pertic'lar
+moment fur callin' on you fur a big
+bunch of cash, 'specially w'en ef he'd a-kept
+silence you'd a-prob'ly gone on wid him,
+never 'spicionin' anything wuz wrong?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I'm not so stupid but what I can
+figure that out," he says. "He's afraid so
+much of my money will be spent soon in
+another direction that he'll be deprived of
+the lion's share of what is left. He wants
+to strip me down close while the stripping
+is good."</p>
+
+<p>"In 'nother direction?" I says, kind of
+musing. "I wonder whut 'at other direction
+kin be?"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you guess?" he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Yas suh," I says, "I kin; but I didn'
+think 'twould be seemly fur me to start
+guessin' along 'at line widout you opened
+up the way fust."</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "I feel like a low-down
+dog to be dragging in a woman's name,
+even indirectly; and so I guess the best
+thing I can do in that direction is to keep<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span>
+my mouth shut and take my medicine. It
+appears that here lately I've acquired the
+habit of committing myself to serious obligations
+at times when I'm not exactly
+aware of what I'm doing. At the moment,
+I don't seem to remember how it all comes
+about; then I wake up and I find I'm
+signed, sealed and delivered. I may be
+the damndest fool alive, but at least I'm an
+honorable fool. I was raised that way.
+Where my sense of personal honor is concerned
+I'm going to stick, no matter what
+the costs may be. I've been fed fat on
+flattery; now it's time for me to sup on sorrow
+awhile. Do you get my drift?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yas suh, I think I does," I says. "Mr.
+Dallas," I says, "'scuse me fur persumin'
+to keep on 'long 'is yere track, but is you
+right downright shore 'at you solemnly engaged
+yo'se'f in the holy bonds of wedlock
+to the lady in question?"</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose I did," he says. "I must
+have. She assumes to think so&mdash;everybody
+else assumes to think so. And yet, as
+Heaven is my judge, I never intended to
+lead anybody to believe that I wanted to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span>
+make a marriage up here. It&mdash;it just happened,
+Jeff&mdash;that's all. I can see now how
+a lot of things have been happening and
+why. But what can I do to clear myself
+from either one of these two tangles? I've
+asked myself the question a hundred times
+since noon today and there's no answer. I
+can't lick Raynor at his own game; he's
+too wise; he's covered his prints too well.
+When I hinted at a lawsuit this afternoon
+he laughed in my face and told me to go
+ahead and sue. And, as for the other thing&mdash;well,
+unless I go through with it, against
+my will and my better judgment, it means
+a breach of promise suit, or I miss my guess.
+Besides, I still have some shreds of self-respect
+left. I can't deliberately try to break
+an engagement which, I suppose, I must
+have made in good faith."</p>
+
+<p>"S'posen' the lady herse'f wuz to up an'
+brek it on her own 'sponsibility?" I says.
+He laughed kind of scornful.</p>
+
+<p>"No chance," he says; "no such luck for
+me! I've walked blindfolded into every
+trap that was set for me and now it's up to
+me to play the string out till the last penny<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span>
+is gone. At the present rate that shouldn't
+take long. But see here, Jeff, I wonder
+why I sit here unburdening my woes on
+you? I know you would help me if you
+could, but what can you do? What can
+anybody do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you can't never
+tell. Sometimes the humblest he'ps out the
+greates'. Seems lak I heared tell 'at once't
+'pon a time 'twuz the gabblin's of a flock of
+geese w'ich saved one of these yere up-state
+towns&mdash;Utica, or maybe 'twas Rome.
+I don't rightly remember now whut 'twas
+ailed 'at town; mebbe 'twuz fixin' to go fur
+William Jinnin's Bryant?&mdash;somethin' lak
+'at! Anyway, the geese gits the credit in
+the records fur the savin' of it. An' ain't
+you never read whur a mouse comes moseyin'
+'long one time an' gnawed a lion loose
+frum the bindin' snares w'ich helt him?
+So, ez I says, you can't never tell. But I
+wonder would you do me a small favor?
+I wonder would you read a piece out of a
+su'ttin book ef I wuz to bring it to you out
+of the liberary, an' w'en you'd done 'at ef
+you would go on to baid an' try to compose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span>
+yore min' an' git some needful sleep?"</p>
+
+<p>"What's the idea?" he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Nummine," I says. "Wait 'twell I
+fetches you the book."</p>
+
+<p>So I goes and gets it down from the shelf
+where it belongs. It's the furtherest one
+of a long row of big shiny black books,
+which all of them has got different names.
+But the name of this one is: <i>Vet to Zym</i>.</p>
+
+<p>He takes a look at it when I lays it before
+him, and he says:</p>
+
+<p>"Why, this is a volume of the Encyclopedia!
+What bearing can this possibly
+have on what we've just been talking
+about?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you's no doubt
+of'en seen ole Pappy Exall, w'ich he is the
+pastor of Zion Chapel, struttin' round the
+streets at home in times gone by? Well,
+the Rev'n. Exall may look lak one-half of
+a baby-elephant runnin' loose, but lemme
+tell you, suh, he ain't nobody's bawn fool.
+One time yere some yeahs back he got hisse'f
+into a kind of a jam wid his flock 'count
+of some of 'em bein' mos' onhighly dissatisfied
+wid the way he wuz handlin' the funds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span>
+fur to buy a new organ fur the church.
+Nigh ez they could figger it out, he'd done
+confisticated the organ money to his own
+pussonal an' private pu'pposes. Try ez
+they mout, they couldn't nobody in the congregation
+git no satisfaction out of him reguardin'
+of it. So one evenin', unbeknownst
+to him, a investigatin' committee
+formed itse'f, an' whilst he was settin' at
+the supper-table they come bustin' in on
+him an' demanded then an' thar how 'bout
+it? Wid one voice they called on him to
+perduce an' perduce fast, else they gwine
+start yellin' fur the police. Wid that he
+jest rise up frum his cheer an' he look 'em
+right in the eye an' he say to 'em, very ca'mlak:
+'My pore bernighted brethren, in response
+to yore questions I directs yore
+prayerful considerations to Acts twenty-eighth
+an' seventeenth, also Timothy fust
+an' fifth, lakwise Kings sixth an' fust.
+Return to yore homes in peace an' read the
+messages w'ich is set fo'th in the 'foresaid
+Scriptures an' return to me yere on the
+morrow fur fu'ther guidance.' Well, they
+all dashes off fur to dig up they Bibles an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span>
+see whut the answer is. Bright an' early
+next mawnin' they comes back to say 'at
+w'ile them is mighty fine-soundin' verses
+w'ich he bade 'em to read, still they ain't
+nary one of 'em w'ich seems to relate in any
+way whutsomever to a missin' organ fund.
+Then he smiles sort of pitiful-lak an' he
+reaches his fat hand down in his britches
+pocket an' he hauls out the money to the
+las' cent. The trick w'ich he had done
+played on 'em had give him a chanc't to
+slip out an' borrow 'nuff frum a couple of
+w'ite gen'elmen frien's of his'n fur to mek
+up the shortage. Whut he needed wuz time
+an' time wuz whut he got.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Mr. Dallas, I aims to borrow a
+lesson frum the example of ole Pappy Exall.
+I asts you to set yere an' read a chapter
+out of 'is yere book. It don't mek no
+diff'ence to me w'ich chapter 'tis you reads,
+jes' so it's a good long one. I done looked
+th'ough 'at book the other day an' most of
+the chapters in it is long an' all of 'em is
+tiresome. You jes' read 'twell you gits
+good an' sleepy an' 'en you go on to baid<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span>
+an' refresh yo'se'f in slumber. An' in the
+meanwhile I aims to steddy right hard over
+these yere pressin' matters of your'n an' see
+ef I can't see the daylight breakin' th'ough
+somewhars."</p>
+
+<p>I can tell by his looks that he ain't got
+no hope of success on my part, but he's so
+plumb wore out from worrying that he ain't
+got the spirit for to resist me. He says to
+me he won't promise to read the book, but
+he will promise to try to lay aside his
+botherments and go to bed early, which
+that is sufficient for me.</p>
+
+<p>I leaves him there and I goes back to my
+room, after telephoning to 'Lisses Petty
+that something important has come up at
+our place which will detain me away from
+him for the time being. And then, when
+I gets to my room, I sets down and takes
+off my shoes. It seems like I always could
+think better when my feet was freed from
+them binding shoes.</p>
+
+<p>When a nigger boy is fixing to run his
+fastest he's got to snatch his hat off and sail
+bareheaded; and I'm much the same way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span>
+about my feet when I craves to think. So,
+my shoes being off, I just rears back and
+sets in for to give the problems before me
+the fullest considerations.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XV</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Vet to Zym</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>THE way it looks to me, here is Mr.
+Dallas Pulliam, one of the most
+free-hearted, good-willingest young
+white gentlemen that ever lived, about to
+be throwed to the raveling wolves. He's
+elected to be the live meat, with a two-sided
+race on to see which one of the contesters
+can pick and clean him the quickest. And
+so, if he's going to be saved for future references,
+something is got to be done and done
+mighty speedy, too, else there won't be nothing
+left but the polished bones.</div>
+
+<p>I therefore splits up my thinking into
+two parts; first I studies a spell about the
+one proposition and then I studies a spell
+about the other. To tell the truth, though,
+I don't need to have so very many concernings
+over the case of Mr. H. C. Raynor.
+I did not let on to Mr. Dallas what was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span>
+passing through my mind, but at the very
+same instant when he turned to me for help
+after telling about the row down-town at
+the oil offices with Mr. Raynor, I hit spang
+on what might turn out to be proper medicine
+for what ails the gentleman. It ain't
+so very long, setting there in my room by
+myself, before the scheme begins to sort of
+routine itself out and look like something.</p>
+
+<p>With regards to him I'm going mainly
+on the facts that he's like a lot of these here
+Northerners which ain't never been down
+South to speak of, and is therefore got curious
+ideas about the South in general. Long
+time before this I has took note that he
+thinks a colored person naturally enjoys
+being called "a dam black rabbit" or "a
+worthless black scoundrel" whilst he's
+waiting on white folks. Also, he can't
+seem to get over my failing to say "Yas,
+Massa" and "No, Massa" when Mr. Dallas
+asks me a question; and I can tell he's kind
+of put out because I don't go round speaking
+of myself as "dis nigga" this and "dis
+nigga" that and "dis nigga" the other thing.
+In other words, I ain't living up to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span>
+character of the imaginary kind of a Southern-raised
+black man, which he's been led
+to expect I'd be from reading some of these
+here foolish writings which they gets out
+up here from time to time.</p>
+
+<p>I knows full well what his sensations is
+in these matters, not only from the look on
+his face, but from one or two things which
+I has overheard him saying in times past.
+So now I just puts two and two together,
+and I says to myself that if he's entertaining
+them misled ideas about my race, he doubtless
+is also got the notion in his head that
+every quality white gentleman from down
+South, and more especially them which
+hails from Kentucky, totes a pistol on the
+flank and is forever looking for a chance to
+massacrete somebody against which he's
+took a disfancy. I remembers now that he
+asked me once how many feuds there was
+going on in our part of the state at the present
+time. Rather than disappoint him, I
+tells him several small ones and one large
+one. And another time he wants to know
+from me whether they ever tried anybody
+in earnest for shooting somebody down our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span>
+way. Secretively, at the time, I pities his
+ignorance, but I ain't undertaking to wean
+him from his delusions, because if that's his
+way of thinking it ain't beholden on me to
+try to educate him different. Looking back
+on it now, I'm mighty glad I didn't try
+neither, because in the arose situation I
+figures that his prevailing beliefs is going
+to fall right in with my plans.</p>
+
+<p>Inside of half an hour I is through with
+him and ready to tackle the other matter,
+which is a harder one, any way you look at
+it. I takes my head in both my hands and
+I says to myself: What kind of a lady is this
+here one we got to deal with? With her
+raisings, what does she probably like the
+best in the world? What does she probably
+hate the most in the world? What
+would scare her off and what would make
+her mad, and what is it would probably
+only just egg her on? What would she shy
+from, and what would she jump at?
+Where would she be reckless, and where
+would she be careful? And so on and so
+forth.</p>
+
+<p>All of a sudden&mdash;<i>bam</i>!&mdash;a notion busts<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span>
+right in my face. Casting round this way
+and that for a starter to go by, I recalls to
+mind what I heard Judge Priest norrating
+years ago touching on a funny will which
+a rich man in an adjoining county to ours
+drawed up on his death-bed, and how the
+row over it was fit out in the courts, and
+with that I says to myself, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Hallelujah to my soul, ole problem, I
+shore does believe I's got you whar the wool
+is short&mdash;dog-gone me ef I don't!"</p>
+
+<p>It's getting on towards eleven o'clock
+when I puts my shoes back on and slips in
+to see what Mr. Dallas is doing. He's still
+setting right where I left him, with the
+book in front of him. But his eyes, seems
+to me, is beginning to droop a little. Well,
+there ain't nobody living could linger two
+hours over that there old <i>Vet to Zym</i> without
+getting all drowsied up.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I thinks the daylight
+is startin' to sift in th'ough the cloakin'
+clouds. I seems to see a bright streak,
+in fact a couple of streaks. But, even so,
+I is got to be lef' free to wu'k things out my
+own way. Is you agreeable, suh?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "I'm in your hands.
+There's no one else into whose hands I can
+put myself. What do you want me to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well suh," I says, "first I wants you fur
+to go tek off yore things an' git yo'se'f
+settled in baid fur the night. Tha's the
+starter."</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed," he says&mdash;"and then, what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, next," I says, "I don't want you
+to go down-town a-tall tomorrow. I want
+you fur to stay right whar you now is. In
+the mawnin' keep 'way frum the telephone.
+Ef I ain't yere to answer it jes' you an'
+Koga let it ring its haid off an' don't pay it
+no mind. In the afternoon you may have
+a 'portant visitor answerin' to the entitlemints
+of Mr. H. C. Raynor, Esquire. Befo'
+he gits yere tell you whut's to come
+off betwixt you two, purvided the perliminary
+'rangemints, ez conducted by me, has
+wukked out all right. But I ain't aimin'
+to tell you the full plans yit&mdash;too much is
+got to happen in the meantime. Tomorrow
+is plenty time."</p>
+
+<p>"Just as you say," he says. "I'm going
+to my room now."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Wait jes' one minute, please suh," I
+says, as he gets up. "Mr. Dallas, you
+ain't ownin' no pistol, is you?"</p>
+
+<p>"What would I be doing with a pistol?"
+he says, sort of puzzled. "I never owned
+one in my life&mdash;I don't believe I ever shot
+one off in my life." Then a kind of a
+shamed smile comes onto his face. "Why
+Jeff," he says, "you aren't taking seriously
+what I said early tonight about suicides,
+are you? You needn't worry&mdash;I'm not
+thinking of shooting myself yet awhile."</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't worryin' 'bout 'at," I says; "I
+ain't figgerin' on you shootin' yo'se'f,
+neither I ain't figgerin' on yore havin' to
+shoot nobody else. Never'less, though," I
+says, "an' to the contrary notwidstandin',
+sence you ain't got no pistol, you's goin' to
+have one befo' you is many hours older&mdash;a
+great big shiny fretful-lookin' one."</p>
+
+<p>"What am I to do with it after I get it?"
+he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr Dallas," I says, "please, suh, go on
+to bed lak you promised me. I got a haidache
+now, clear down to the quick, jes'
+frum answerin' my own questions."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I speaks this to him just like he is a little
+boy and I is his nurse. And off he goes,
+just like a wore-out, desponded, onhappy
+little boy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XVI</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Lady-Like!</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>AS I looks back on it now, after the
+passing of two weeks or so, it seems
+to me I never traveled so fast and
+covered so much ground in all my born
+days as I did on the next day following
+immediately along after this here night
+before. For awhile you just naturally
+couldn't see me for the dust.</div>
+
+<p>In the first place, right after breakfast-time,
+I glides out and I scoots up-town and
+I puts up ten dollars for security and thereby
+I borrows the loan of one of his extra
+spare revolvers off of a yellow-complected
+person named Snake-Eye Jamison, which
+it is his habit to go round the colored districts
+recommending himself as the coroner's
+friend and acting very gunnery towards
+parties that he gets dissatisfied with.
+I don't know how many folkses he's killed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span>
+in his life, but he must bury his dead where
+they falls, because I ain't never had none
+of the gravestones pointed out to me. But,
+anyway, he goes heeled on both hips at all
+times. But I makes him onload her before
+he turns her over to me, because I is not
+taking no chances on having that thing going
+off accidental and maybe crippling
+somebody. I totes this here large and
+poisonous-looking chunk of dark-blue
+hardware back to the apartment and stores
+it in a safe place where I can put my hand
+upon it on short notices.</p>
+
+<p>Then I waits till Mr. Dallas is in the
+bathroom with the water running so as to
+hide the sound of my voice, and I goes to
+the telephone and I calls up Miss Bill-Lee's<a name="FNanchor_3_4" id="FNanchor_3_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_4" class="fnanchor">[3]</a>
+number over on Riverside Drive.</p>
+
+<p>She must've rose early so as to have her
+complexion laid on so it'll get set good before
+she goes out for the day; because it's her
+which answers my call instead of the maid.
+I tells her it's me on the wire and I asks
+her, as a special favor, can I run over to
+her flat as soon as it's agreeable, to speak
+to her on a very important matter? She
+says yes, so eager-like it must be she's expecting
+I'm fetching a present from Mr.
+Dallas same as I has done quite often before
+this. She says I can come at ten
+o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>Ten o'clock and I'm at the door. She's
+in her sitting-room waiting for me. She
+looks sort of disappointed when she sees I
+ain't brought along no flowers nor no candy
+nor no jewelry-box nor nothing with me;
+but she welcomes me very kindly. I don't
+lose no time getting going.</p>
+
+<p>"Miss DeWitt," I says, making my voice
+as winning as I can, "now 'at you an' Mr.
+Dallas is fixin' to git married to one 'nother
+I been wonderin' 'bout what's goin' become
+of me in the shuffle. I 'preciates 'at he laks
+me fuss-rate; but he idolizes you so deeply
+'at I knows he wouldn't keep on keepin' me
+nur nobody else round him widout he wuz
+shore 'at you laked 'em, too. Tha's what's
+been worryin' me&mdash;the question whether<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span>
+you felt disposed agreeable to me? An'
+so, after broodin' over the matter fur goin'
+on it's nearly a week, I finally has tuck the
+liberty of comin' to speak to you 'bout it.
+Yassum!"</p>
+
+<p>"Jefferson," she says kind of indifferent
+and yet not hostile, "I have nothing against
+you&mdash;in fact I rather like you. If your
+services are satisfactory to Dallas I shall
+have not the slightest objection to his keeping
+you on as his servant."</p>
+
+<p>"Thanky, ma'am," I says, "hearin' you
+say 'at frum yore own lips su'ttinly teks a
+big load offen my mind. I strives ever to
+please. 'Sides, I got a mighty winnin'
+way wid chillen. I'll come in handy w'en
+it comes to he'pin' out wid the nursin' an'
+all lak 'at."</p>
+
+<p>She sets up straight from where she's
+been kind of half-laying down and some of
+that chain-gang jewelry of hers gives a
+brisk rattle.</p>
+
+<p>"Children!" she says, plenty startled.
+"What in the world are you talking about?"</p>
+
+<p>I answers back like I'm expecting of
+course she'll understand.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"W'y," I says, "the chillen w'ich enshores
+'at Mr. Dallas don't lose out none in the
+final cuttin' up of the estate," I says.</p>
+
+<p>By now she's rose bolt upright on her
+feet. All that languidsome manner is fled
+from her, and her voice is sharper than
+what I ever has heard it before.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" she says, quite snappy.
+"What's that you are saying? Do you
+mean to tell me that Dallas has been married
+before&mdash;that he has a child, or more
+than one child, hidden away somewhere?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, nome," I says, very soothing, "nuthin'
+lak 'at. 'Course Mr. Dallas ain't never
+been married&mdash;up 'twell now he's practically
+been heart-whole an' fancy-free.
+Yassum! I wuz merely speakin'&mdash;ef you'll
+please, ma'am, 'scuse me&mdash;of the chillen,
+w'ich natchelly 'll be comin' long ez purvided
+fur onder the terms of the ole gen'elman's
+will, you know. Tha's all I meant."</p>
+
+<p>"Will!" she says. "What will? Whose
+will? Here, you, give me the straight of
+this thing! I haven't the faintest idea what
+it's all about."</p>
+
+<p>"Now!" I says, acting like I'm overcome<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span>
+with a sudden great regret. "Ain't that
+jes' lak me, puttin' my big foot in it, gabblin'
+'bout somethin' w'ich it ain't none of
+my affairs? Most doubtless, Mr. Dallas,
+he's been savin' it all up ez a happy surprise
+fur you. An' now, in my innocence
+an' my ign'ence, I starts blabbin' it fo'th
+unbeknowst. Lemme git out of yere,
+please ma'am, 'fore I gits myse'f in any
+deeper 'en whut already I is in!"</p>
+
+<p>She comes sailing across the floor right at
+me. Them big floating black eyes of hers
+seems to get smaller and sharper until they
+bores into me the same as a pair of sharp
+gimblets.</p>
+
+<p>"You stay right where you are," she says,
+commanding as a major's-general. "You
+don't leave this room until I get this mystery
+straightened out."</p>
+
+<p>"Please, ma'am, I'd a heap ruther you
+spoke to Mr. Dallas 'bout it," I says, pretending
+to be pleading hard. "No doubt
+in due time he'll confide to you all 'bout
+the way the property is tied up an' 'bout
+his paw's views ez 'spressed in the will, an'
+also 'bout the way the matter stands betwixt<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span>
+him an' his twin brother, Mr. Clarence,
+an' all the rest of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Twin brother!" she says, and by now
+she's been jolted so hard she's mighty near
+to the screeching point. "Where is this
+twin brother? I never heard of him&mdash;never
+dreamed there was such a person.
+Say, are you crazy or am I?"</p>
+
+<p>"W'ich 'at do settle it!" I says, very lamentful.
+"Ef Mr. Dallas ain't told you
+'bout his twin brother neither, it suttinly
+is a shore sign to me 'at he wuz aimin' to
+purserve ever'thing ez a precious secret
+frum you fur the time bein'. I 'spects he'll
+jest more'n snatch me ball-haided fur this,
+Miss DeWitt. Please, ma'am, don't say
+nothin' to him 'bout my havin' give you the
+tip, will you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want tips," she says, "I want
+facts. And I'm going to have them here
+and now&mdash;and from you! If you want to
+get out of here with a whole skin you'll
+quit your vague mumblings about wills and
+children and estates and twin brothers that
+I never heard of before, and you'll tell me
+in plain words the entire story, whatever it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span>
+is, that has been held back from me so carefully.
+You tell it beginning to end!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum," I says, "jest ez you wishes,
+ma'am." I tries to make my voice sound
+like I'm scared half to death, which it don't
+call for no great amount of putting-on on
+my part neither, because she has done shed
+all her laziness and all her silkiness and all
+her smoothness same as a blue-racer sheds
+his skin in the spring of the year, and she's
+done bared her real het-up dangersome
+self before me. "Jest ez you wishes," I
+says, "only I do trus' an' pray at you'll purtec'
+me frum Mr. Dallases' wrath w'en he
+finds out I done spilt ever'thin' so premanture-lak."</p>
+
+<p>"Forget it!" she says. "It strikes me I'm
+the one who needs protection if anybody
+does. Now, without any more dodging or
+ducking you give me the truth, understand?
+No original embroidery of your own, either&mdash;the
+cold truth, all of it! And if I find
+out afterwards that you've been holding
+back a single detail from me&mdash;&mdash;!"</p>
+
+<p>With that she stops short and pins me
+with them eyes of hers. I can't hardly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span>
+keep from flinching back from before her.
+If she was a hornet it'd be high time to
+start one of the hands off to the nearest
+drugstore after the soothing ointments, because
+somebody certainly would be due to
+get all stung up. Rejoiceful though I is
+inside of me to see how nice she's grabbed
+at all the hints which I has flung out to her
+like fishing-baits, one after another, I'd be
+almost as glad if I was outside that room
+talking to her through the keyhole. But
+it's shore dependent on me to set easy and
+keep on play-acting and not make no slips.
+Things is going well, but they has got to go
+still better yet if she's to swallow down the
+main dose.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XVII</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Sable Plots</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>SO I spreads out both my hands like as
+if I'm plumb cowed down and licked,
+and then I starts in handing out to
+her the yarn which I'd spent half the night
+before piecing it together in my mind. It's
+a mighty nice kind of romancing, if I do
+say so, and full of plausibleness, 'specially
+that part of it which is built up on what I
+remembers the old judge having told me
+about the curious case which come up that
+time in one of the adjoining counties. But
+the rest of it, including the most fanciest
+touches, such as Mr. Clarence and the old
+maiden-lady aunt and the two sets of triplets
+and all, has been made up to order right
+out of my own head, and I asks credit.</div>
+
+<p>And now, whilst I'm setting there telling
+it to her and watching her close to see
+how she's taking it, I'm praying to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span>
+Good Lord, asking Him will He please,
+Master, forgive me for onloading such a
+monstrous pack of what-ain't-so on an onsuspecting
+and worked-up lady. And at
+the same time I'm hoping the spirit of Mr.
+Dallases' dear departed father, which he
+was one of the nicest, quietest old gentlemen
+that ever breathed, won't come ha'nting
+me for low-rating his memory so scandalous.
+I knows full well he must be turning
+over in the grave faster and faster every
+minute which passes. I only can trust he
+don't see fit to rise from it.</p>
+
+<p>"Miss DeWitt," I says, "lissen, please,
+an' you shell know all: You see, ma'am,
+ever'thin' in this connection dates back to
+the time w'en Mr. Dallases' paw made his
+dyin' will some six or seven yeahs ago.
+'Course, as you doubtless has learned befo'
+now, he lef' the bigges' part of the estate
+tied up."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know any such thing," she says,
+breaking in again and even more savage-like
+than before. "Do you mean to tell
+me Dallas is not the sole master of his own
+property?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I sort of stammers and hesitates like I'm
+astonished that she don't know that part of
+it, neither. My hanging back only makes
+her yet more fierce to hear the rest.</p>
+
+<p>"Wellum," I goes on to say when finally
+I sees she's liable to blow clean up if I delays
+further, "the real facts of the case is
+'at he ain't actually got no property a-tall,
+ez you mout say. He only draws down
+one-ha'f the intrust frum it. He don't get
+nigh ez much income, neither, ez whut
+folkses mout think frum his free way
+of spendin' his money right an' lef'. Ez a
+matter of fact, an' in the strictes' confidences,
+Miss DeWitt," I says, "he is mos'
+gin'elly alluz in debt to the trustees by reason
+of him bein' overdrawed. But,
+course," I says, "'at part of it ain't neither
+yere nor thar, is it? Ef Mr. Dallas wants
+to slather his money 'bout so fast that ever'
+dollar he spends looks to outsiders lak it's
+ten or twelve, tha's his bus'ness. Lemme
+git back on the main track. Le's see, now?
+I wuz specifyin' to you 'bout the will,
+wuzn' I?</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it's lak this: W'en folkses down<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span>
+our way heared the terms of the will they
+wuz a heap of 'em said the old gen'elman's
+mind must a-went back on him in his last
+sickness fur him to be layin' down any sech
+curious 'quiremints ez them wuz. Yassum,
+some even went fu'ther 'en 'at. Some
+went so fur ez to say it wuz the streak of
+onsanity w'ich runs in the Pulliam fambly
+croppin' out ag'in in a fresh place."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, so it's insanity now!" she says.
+"The longer you talk the more interesting
+things I learn. Go on&mdash;go on!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum," I says, "I'm goin'. Yassum,
+they wuz quite a host of folkses w'ich come
+right out an' said Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence,
+ary one or both of 'em, would be amply
+justified in contestin' the will on the
+grounds 'at the late lamentable wuz out of
+his haid at the time he drawed it up. But
+no, ma'am, not them two! I figgers they
+knowed they own dear paw well 'nuff to
+know the idee w'ich he toted in his mind.
+'Sides w'ich, all the members of that fambly
+is sort of techy on the subjec' of the lil'
+trickle of onsanity 'at flows in the blood,
+w'ich, I reckin, they natchelly is to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span>
+'scused fur that. An' ef one or the other of
+'em went to the big cotehouse tryin' to bust
+up the will on the claim 'at the ole gen'elman
+didn't rightly know whut he wuz doin'
+to'des the last, it'd only quicken up the
+talk 'bout the craziness strain. An' so, on
+'count of the Pulliam pride an' all, they
+jes' lef' it stand lak it wuz. An' 'en, on top
+of 'at, Mr. Clarence he turned sort of onsatisfactory
+in the haid an' he strayed off an'
+wuzn' heared of ag'in till yere recently.
+An' 'en, soon ez Mr. Clarence wuz found,
+Mr. Dallas he come on up yere an' you an'
+him met an'&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"In Heaven's name, quit drooling and
+get somewhere," she says, making her
+words pop like one of these here whip-lashes.
+"What did the will say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum," I says, "yassum, I jest is
+reached 'at p'int, now. The will say 'at
+the estate is to be helt in trust fur the time
+bein' an' 'en w'en the two sons comes of age
+they is free to marry, only they is both
+bound to marry somebody or other befo'
+they reaches they twenty-fif' birthday. An'
+the one w'ich has the most chillen to his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span>
+credit at the end of five yeahs frum his
+weddin' day, he gits the main chunk of the
+prop'ty, whilst the other is cut down to
+jest&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The most children?" she says; only by
+now she's saying it so savigrous that she
+practically is yelling it. "The most&mdash;&mdash;?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum," I says, "tha's it&mdash;the most
+chillen. You see, ma'am, they seems to
+run to chillen, someway, the Pulliamses
+does. When a Pulliam gits married, look
+out fur baby-carriages, tha's all. They
+don't seem to have chillen by driblets,
+neither, lak some people does. They is
+more apt to have 'em by triplets. They is
+two complete sets of triplets on record in
+times gone past, an' ever' generation kin
+be depended on to perduce at leas' one set
+of twins.</p>
+
+<p>"Or even more! Now, f'rinstances, you
+tek Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence&mdash;both
+twins. Tek they father befo' 'em an' they
+maiden aunt, Miss Sarah Pulliam, deceasted&mdash;twins
+some mo'. Only, you
+never heared much 'bout Miss Sarah in her
+lifetime owin' to her bein' kep' onder lock<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span>
+an' key fur spasms of a kind of wildness
+comin' over her now an' then. Then ag'in,
+amongst Mr. Dallases' own brothers an'
+sisters, tek his two lil' twin sisters, not to
+mention the four or five singles w'ich come
+'long right stiddy an' reg'lar. Yassum,
+it's been 'at way in the famby fur ez fur
+back ez the oldest inhabitant kin remember.</p>
+
+<p>"But the gineration w'ich Mr. Dallas
+belongs to, it turned out sickly fur the most
+part, an' so, by the time the ole gen'elman
+come to die, all his chillen had died off on
+him, 'scusin' Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence,
+w'ich them two wuz all they wuz left out
+of a big swarm. Oh, I jedges the paw
+knowed whut he wuz 'bout! I reckin he
+craved 'at his breed should once more
+multiply freely an' replenish the earth wid
+a whole multitude of lil' Pulliamses. An'
+so he purvided fur a healthy competition
+betwixt his two sons to see&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Wait!" she says. "Let me see if I understand
+you? You say that by the terms
+of that old maniac's will the bulk of his
+estate was tied up so to go eventually to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span>
+son who had the most children five years
+after marriage. Well, then, what does the
+remaining son&mdash;the loser&mdash;get?"</p>
+
+<p>"He gits a hund'ed an' fifty dollars a
+month fur life&mdash;I think tha's whut it come
+to," I says. "Mebbe it mout be a hund'ed
+an' sebenty-five, I won't be shore. An' he
+also draws down fifty dollars a month extry
+fur each chile he's got livin'. But tha's
+all. The home place an' the tobacco bus'ness
+an' the money in the bank an' all else,
+they goes to the winner, onlessen each one,
+at the end of them five yeahs is got a ek'el
+number of chillen in w'ich case the estate
+is divided even-stephen betwixt 'em. Yassum!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then why didn't both brothers marry
+as soon as they came of age?" she asks me,
+sort of suspicious. But I was expecting
+that very question to come forth sooner or
+later, and I was prepared beforehand for
+it.</p>
+
+<p>"Wellum," I says, "you see, I reckin Mr.
+Dallas figgered they wuzn' no need to be
+in a rush seein' 'at Mr. Clarence wuz so
+kind of ondependable. Ef the truth must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span>
+be knowed, Mr. Clarence wuz downright
+flighty. He had spells w'en he'd furgit his
+own name an' go wanderin'. Yassum!
+An' right after he come of age he took a
+'specially severe spell an' he sauntered so
+fur away they plum' lost track of him. It
+wasn't 'twell last July 'at he wuz located
+ag'in. It seems lak he'd been detained
+somewhars out West in a sort of a home
+whar they keeps folks w'ich is liable to fits
+of chronic oneasiness in the haid. But
+now, suddenly, his refreshed memory had
+come back to him an' the doctors pernounced
+him cured an' turned him loose
+ag'in; an' the latest word wuz 'at he wuz
+thinkin' 'bout gittin married down in Texas
+or one of 'em other distant places, out yonderways.
+So Mr. Dallas must a-realized
+'at 'twuz up to him to stir his stumps an'
+git hisse'f married off, too; 'specially ez he
+had done passed his twenty-fo'th birthday
+the month befo'. Well, seemed lak, he
+couldn't find no young lady down home
+w'ich wuz suitable to his fancies, although
+some folks did say, quiet-lak, 'at they wuz
+a local prejudice springin' up on the part<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span>
+of parents ag'inst havin' they daughters
+marryin' him. But betwixt you an' me,
+ma'am, I never tuk no stock in 'at, 'cause
+most of the time Mr. Dallas is jest ez
+rationable ez whut you an' me is. It's only
+w'en he gits excited 'at he behaves a lil'
+peculiar-lak. Well, anyways, Mr. Dallas
+he come on up yere an' he met you. So
+now it looks lak ever'thing is goin' turn out
+all right, an' mebbe we'll beat out Mr.
+Clarence after all, in w'ich case Mr. Dallas
+won't have to be worryin' at the end of five
+yeahs 'bout whar he's gain' to rake up the
+cash to pay back the money w'ich he's overdrawed
+out of the estate, nur nuthin'. So
+that's how come me to mention chillen
+w'en I fust come in, ma'am. An' I trusts
+you understan's?"</p>
+
+<p>And with that I smiles at her like I'm
+expecting that now, seeing she knows all
+the tidings, she'll be jubilated over the
+prospects, too.</p>
+
+<p>But she ain't smiling&mdash;I lay she ain't got
+a smile left in her entire system. She's
+mighty nigh choking, but it ain't no happy
+emotion that she's choked up with; if you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span>
+was a blind man you could a-told that much
+from the sounds she's making. She's saying
+things fast and furious. Remarks is
+just foaming from her; but the trouble is
+she keeps on getting her statements all
+jumbled up together so they don't make
+good sense. And yet, notwithstanding, I
+still can follow her thoughts. I catches
+the words: "<i>most</i> children"&mdash;she duplicates
+that several times&mdash;and "twins" and "triplets"
+and "insanity" and "one hundred and
+fifty dollars a month." And all mixed in
+with this is loose odds and ends of language
+which seems to indicate she thinks somebody
+has been withholding something back
+on her or trying to take an unfair advantage
+of her, or something. She certainly is in a
+swivit. A little more and she'd be delirious&mdash;she
+would so!</p>
+
+<p>All of a sudden she flings herself out of
+the room, with her necklaces and things
+clashing till she sounds like a runaway
+milk-wagon, and she makes for the telephone
+in the hall, and I can hear her trying
+very frantic to get our number rung up.
+For a minute my heart swarms up in my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span>
+throat; anyhow, some of my organs swarms
+up there where I can taste 'em. I'm so
+afraid Mr. Dallas may forget his promise
+to me and come to the 'phone! If he does,
+the whole transaction is liable to be busted
+up just when I've strove so hard to fix
+everything nice and lovely. That's why
+my heart climbs up in my windpipes. But
+after a little bit I can breathe easy some
+more because it's plain, from what I overhears,
+that Central tells her she can't get
+no responsives from the other end of the
+wire. So then, after one or two more tries,
+she gives up trying and she comes back into
+the setting-room, still spilling mumbling
+words, but "children" continues to be the
+one she seems to favor the most, and she
+says to me that she has a message to send
+to Mr. Dallas, which she wants me for to
+take it to him.</p>
+
+<p>Still playing my part, I says to her I
+truly hopes there ain't going to be nothing
+in the message which will put Mr. Dallas
+in a bad humor with me. But she don't
+appear to hear my pleading voice. She's
+already set down over at a little writing-desk<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span>
+in the corner, and she's got a pen in
+her hand and she's writing away like a
+house on fire. The pen is squeaking the
+same as if it was in torment, and them five
+or six bracelets on her arm is clinking
+sweet music to my ear. I ain't no seventh
+son of a seventh gun, which they tells me
+they has the gift of prophecy laid upon
+them at birth, nor yet I ain't no mind-reader,
+but, even so, I says to myself that
+I don't need but one guess at the true nature
+of what 'tis she's writing.</p>
+
+<p>She gets through quite soon&mdash;there's only
+just one single sheet of paper, and she folds
+it up and creases it hard like she's trying to
+mash it in two, and she jams it in an enveloper
+and seals the enveloper and shoves it
+into my waiting hand, and she says to me:</p>
+
+<p>"There! Now you take this note to the
+man you work for, immediately!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yassum," I says; "is they any answer to
+come back?"</p>
+
+<p>"Answer?" she says, "No&mdash;no&mdash;<i>no</i>&mdash;NO!"</p>
+
+<p>So I goes right out, leaving her still saying
+it at the top of her voice. It seems to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span>
+me it's high time to go, if not higher. Besides,
+it's mighty hard trying to carry on a
+conversation with an overwrought-up lady
+which she has only got one word left in
+stock, which that one is a little short word
+like "No."</p>
+
+<p>So I takes my foot in my hand and I
+marvils thence from there fast as ever my
+willing legs can take me. And as I goes
+along on my way, speeding 'cross-town
+bound for our quarters, I'm trying to think
+of a stylish word which in times gone by I
+has heard some of the white folks use as a
+pet name for a note from one loving soul
+to another. Pretty soon it comes to me&mdash;<i>billet
+doux</i>!</p>
+
+<p>I stops right still where I is at:</p>
+
+<p>"Bill-Lee do, huh?" I says to myself.
+"Yas, sometimes Bill-Lee do. But this
+time&mdash;glory, hallelujah, amen!&mdash;Bill-Lee
+do not!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XVIII</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>White Hopes</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>WHEN you is engaged in going to
+and fro in the world doing good
+deeds you certainly can cover a
+surpassing lot of ground in a short time.
+It's striking ten when I knocks at
+the lady's door; it ain't eleven yet, by
+the lacking of a few minutes, when I is
+home again and has handed over the note
+to Mr. Dallas and is watching his face
+whilst he reads it. He's got one of these
+here open faces, and I can tell, easy enough,
+exactly what thoughts goes through his
+mind. Mostly he's full of a great relief&mdash;that's
+plain to see&mdash;but mixed in with it is
+a faint kind of a lurking regretfulness that
+she should a-broke loose from him so
+abrupt this-a-way. If folks has got the
+least crumb of vanity in 'em it shows forth
+when a love affair is going to pieces on 'em.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span>
+And Mr. Dallas is not no mite different in
+this matter from the run of creation. Even
+so, he's displayed more joysomeness than
+anything else when it comes to the end of
+what she's wrote him. He reaches out after
+my hand for to shake it good and hard
+and hearty.</div>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "my hat's off to you&mdash;you're
+the outstanding wonder of the century.
+I judge it's hardly necessary for me
+to tell you what's in this note?"</p>
+
+<p>"I been able," I says, "to mek my own
+calculations, suh. I reckins ef I wuz put
+to it, I could guess."</p>
+
+<p>"How did you ever succeed in doing it?"
+he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "the main p'int is
+'at it's done&mdash;ain't 'at so, suh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed," he says; "but there are hints
+here&mdash;hints is a mild word&mdash;at things I
+don't in the least understand. Now, for
+example&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "ast me no questions,
+please suh, an' I'll tell you no lies.
+Lyin' don't come natchel to me, ez you
+knows&mdash;I has to strain fur it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Very well," he says, "have it your own
+way; I won't press you. The proof is in
+my hand that you accomplished what you
+set out to do; and seeing that I had no part
+or parcel in it I figure it's up to me to
+show less curiosity and more gratitude."</p>
+
+<p>"Nummine the gratitudes part yit
+aw'ile," I says. "Us is got a heap more to
+'complish 'fore the sun goes down tonight.
+It's only jest a part of the load w'ich is
+been lifted&mdash;bear 'at in mind, suh. The
+case of Mr. H. C. Raynor is yit remainin'
+to be 'tended to."</p>
+
+<p>"You've already shown me what you can
+do, even though I'm left in the dark, as
+to the exact methods you use in these big
+emergencies," he says. "I'm still following
+your lead. What comes next?"</p>
+
+<p>All through this he's been walking up
+and down the floor like he was drilling for
+the militia. So I induces him for to set
+down and be still, and I proceeds to specify
+further.</p>
+
+<p>I says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "these here chronic
+Noo Yawkers is funny people&mdash;some of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span>
+'em. 'Cause they knows they own game
+they thinks they ain't no other games wu'th
+knowin'. 'Cause they thinks the Noo
+Yawk way of doin' things must be the only
+suitable way, they don't concern theyselves
+'bout the way an outsider mout tackle the
+same proposition. To be so bright ez they
+is in some reguards, they is the most ign'ent
+in others ever I seen. Now, 'cordin' to my
+notions, w'en you gits 'em on strange
+ground, w'en you flings a novelty slam-bang
+in they faces, they ain't got no ways an'
+means figgered out fur meetin' it an' they's
+liable to git all mommuxed up an' swep'
+right off they feet."</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "you have gifts which I
+never fully appreciated before. You are
+not only a philosopher but a psychologist
+as well."</p>
+
+<p>"Boss," I says, "you does me too much
+honor. So fur ez I knows, I ain't nary
+one of them two things w'ich you jest called
+me. I only merely strives fur to use the
+few grains of common-sense w'ich the
+Good Lawd give me, tha's all 'tis. Tubby
+shore, I got one 'vantage on my side: I kin<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span>
+look at w'ite folkses' affairs frum a cullid
+stan'p'int whar'as they kin only look at 'em
+frum they own. Ef the shoe wuz on
+t'other foot you doubtless could he'p me;
+but in the present case it's possible I kin
+he'p you. I's on the outside lookin' in,
+whilst you is on the inside lookin' out, ez
+you mout say; so mebbe I kin 'scover things
+w'ich you'd utterly overlook. The fly be-holes
+whut 'scapes the elephant's eye an'
+the minner gives counsel to the whale.
+Mebbe I ain't gittin' the words routined
+right fur to 'spress my meanin's, but, even
+so, I reckin you gits my drift, don't you,
+suh?"</p>
+
+<p>"I follow you perfectly, with an ever-increasing
+admiration," he says. "Go ahead.
+This look like our lucky day anyhow&mdash;let's
+press the luck!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yas suh," I says. "Now, f'rinstances,"
+I says, "you tek the 'foresaid Mr. H. C.
+Raynor. Wen you spoke to him of lawsuits
+yistiddy he mouty nigh laffed in yore
+face, didn't he? Well, 'at shows he ain't
+got no dread of lawsuits. Prob'ly he's
+been mixed up in 'em befo'; most doubtless<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span>
+he knows the science of lawsuitin' frum the
+startin'-tape to the home-stretch. An' lakwise
+he'd have the bulge on you w'en it
+come to makin' figgers wu'k out lak he
+wanted 'em to, so he'd 'pear to be inside
+his rights an' you'd 'pear to be on the wrong
+side of the docket. I persume he's had a
+'bundance of 'sperience in sech matters,
+w'ich you ain't. He knows his own system
+an' he knows you don't know it, w'ich fortifies
+him yit fu'ther. All right, suh, so
+much fur that. But s'posen, now, on the
+other hand, we wuz to layway him an' jump
+out of ambushmint at him wid a brand-new
+notion? I jedges he ain't got no rippertation
+to speak of, so losin' whut lil' scraps of
+it he mout have left wouldn't keep him
+'wake nights worryin', 'specially effen he'd
+already salted away the cash w'ich he
+craved. But he do own somethin' w'ich he
+prizes most highly or elsewise I misses my
+guess&mdash;he's got a skin w'ich he's managed
+some way, by hook, or crook, to keep it
+whole up to now. An' ef right out of a
+clear sky he suddenly wuz faced wid
+prospect of havin' it all punctured up in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span>
+mebbe fo', five, or six places, I figgers he
+mout start singin' a diff'unt song frum the
+one w'ich at the present 'pears to be his
+fav'rit' selection.</p>
+
+<p>"There's just one thing more," I says,
+"Prob'ly it's 'scaped yore 'tention, Mr. Dallas,
+but I's been steddyin' Mr. H. C. Raynor
+off an' on an' I has took note 'at he's
+got some very curiousome idees in his haid
+'bout the kind of folkses you an' me is.
+Didn't it never occur to you, suh, 'at he
+thinks practically all Southern w'ite gen'elmen
+is a heap more hot-haided an' fiery-blooded
+'en whut the run of 'em really is?
+Didn't it never occur to you frum his talk,
+'at he figgers 'at most ev'ry thorough-bred
+Kintuckian is prone to settle his argumints
+wid fo'ty-fo' calliber ca'tridges? Well,
+I's read his thoughts 'long them lines, even
+ef you ain't, an' I'm shore I got him placed
+right. Tha's whut I'm countin' on now,
+suh," I says; "tha's whar'in lays our maindest
+dependince. Does you see whut I'm
+aimin' at, suh? Or does you don't?"</p>
+
+<p>He ain't needing to answer. His face is
+beginning to light up and his eyeballs is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span>
+starting to dance in his head. So I knows
+the time is come for me to cease from preambling
+and get right down to cases.
+Which I accordingly does so.</p>
+
+<p>I tells him the greatest part of what I
+aims to do. I tells him what-all he's to do.
+I tells him what 'll be the signal for him
+to bust into the picture. I tells him how
+he should deport hisself after he's done
+so. I can tell him what should be done
+up to a certain point, but, past that, as I
+says to him, he'll just have to let Nature take
+its coarseness.</p>
+
+<p>I labors over him until I can tell he's
+getting his mad up&mdash;his hands begins to
+twitch a little and his jaw sort of locks and
+there's a kind of a reckless spunky look
+stealing onto his expression. That suits
+me. I wants him to be even more nervous
+than what he is now when the performance
+starts&mdash;the nervouser he is the better for
+our purposes.</p>
+
+<p>When his dander is worked up to suit
+and getting more worked-up and more
+danderish every minute, I leaves him there
+and I goes out into the hall and I rings up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span>
+the oil office. One of the help answers to
+my call and I tells him to please get Mr.
+Raynor on the line right speedy. In about
+a minute his voice comes to me over the
+wire.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello!" he says, very sharp-like, "hello!&mdash;who
+is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr Raynor," I says, "this yere is Jeff
+Poindexter, speakin' fur Mr. Dallas. He
+desires 'at you will please run on up yere
+to our place soon ez you kin git yere. He
+ain't seemin' to be hisse'f today an' so he
+ain't aimin' to come down-town. In fac',
+right now he's layin' down, but he p'intedly
+insists on seein' you 'mediately. He says
+it's most highly important. 'At's the message
+he tells me fur to convey, suh."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he says, sort of grumbling, "it's
+getting on toward my lunch-time; but I
+suppose I could come. Tell him I'll be
+there in half-an-hour from now."</p>
+
+<p>"Yas suh," I says, "thanky suh.... Hole
+on, Mr. Raynor; they's jest one thing else."
+And now I lets my voice slink down, sort
+of cautious-like. "Mr. Raynor," I says,
+"I done deliver Mr. Dallases' word to you&mdash;now<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span>
+I wishes fur to say a lil somethin'
+on my own 'count. W'en you gits yere,
+please suh, come straight on up to the 'partmint
+widout bein' 'nounced frum downstairs
+an' walk right on in widout knockin'
+or ringin' the bell&mdash;the do' 'll be onlatched.
+I'll be waitin' fur you in the privit hall to
+'scort you into the front room. I craves to
+speak wid you a minute, jest by ourselves."</p>
+
+<p>"What's the big idea?" he says.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't 'splain over the 'phone by reason
+'at I mout be over-heared," I says; "but I
+allus has lakked you, suh, frum the fust&mdash;an'
+mebbe I mout give you a few p'inters
+'at you sh'd oughter know befo'hand."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I see," he said. "There's been some
+loose talking going on up there and you've
+heard something you think might interest
+me, eh? Fine and dandy! Well, Jeff,
+you're wise to line up with me&mdash;it shows
+you've got sense. You won't lose by it,
+either. I'm always willing to pay the top
+market-price for valuable inside information."</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, suh," I says, "thanky, suh&mdash;'at's
+partially whut I wuz figgerin' on. I'll be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span>
+hoverin' 'bout on the look-out fur you, suh,
+'cause it shorely is mouty essential&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Right here I breaks off sudden, like as if
+I'd suddenly got scared that I might be
+eavesdropped on or interrupted or something.</p>
+
+<p>Well, the fruitful seed has done been
+planted. Almost before I has time to hang
+up and get up from that there telephone it
+seems like to me I can feel 'em organizing
+to sprout under my feet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XIX</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Pistol Plays</i></div>
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>I has fully half an hour to wait and I
+puts it in going over the program, as
+it has already done been mapped out,
+just to make absolute sure nothing ain't
+been left out. There's one switch in the
+plans, which I decides to make it right at
+the last minute, mighty near it. This here
+decision is that I'll shove things along powerful
+brisk once we gets going good and
+under way; which naturally this means I've
+got to change my Riverside Drive system.
+But circumstances alters cases and what's
+side-meat for one is cold poison for another.
+The way I looks at it, it all depends on the
+anigosity<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> of the occasion.
+
+Now, with the lady, the best scheme,
+seemed like to me, was not to crowd the
+mourners, as the saying is, but just to lazy
+along in a weaving way, letting the specifications
+sink into her one by one and thereby
+thus giving her time to brood over each separate
+point as it come forth. But with him
+I figures the best plan is the quick-rushing
+plan. I figures I've got to take him short
+from the go-off and keep on shocking him
+so fast and so hard with promises of devastations
+that he won't have time to catch up
+with his thinking, and then at the proper
+time dash the mainest jolt of all right <i>bang</i>
+in his face.</div>
+
+<p>But before that proper minute comes he's
+got to be rightly prepared in his mind for
+it. He's got to be hearing mournful music
+and muffled drums beating in his ears. He's
+got to feel an icy cold breath blowing on
+his overhet temples. He's got to have a
+raging fever in his forehead, but a heavy
+frost congealing his feet. And most of all
+he's got to have a sad picture dancing before
+his eyes of from six to twelve of his
+most intimate friends getting measured for
+white gloves. Just let them things come to
+pass, sort of simultaneous, and it's sure going<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span>
+to be a case of Sukey, bar the door, with
+our gentleman friend!</p>
+
+<p>Leastwise, that is the way I organizes it
+in my head whilst I'm setting in that there
+little hall of ours waiting watchfully. Before
+a great while I hears one of the elevators
+stopping at our floor and I hears
+slinky kitty-cat steps coming along towards
+our door. So I knows that must be him and
+I gets back and sort of squats in the side
+passage leading off into the service wing, so
+I can come slipping out like as if I was in
+a hurry to meet him as he come in, but had
+been detained.</p>
+
+<p>The door opens right easy and in slides
+Mr. Raynor, same as a mouse into a trap.
+I can almost see his nose wrinkling up like
+he's smelling of the cheese and craving to
+start nibbling at it. He looks round him
+and sees me and he gives me a meaning
+wink. I makes motions to him to be quiet,
+which that ain't necessary but it helps the
+play along for me to be plenty warnful in
+my manners; and then I tiptoes on up the
+hall towards the setting-room, leading the
+way for him; and he takes the hint and tiptoes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span>
+along behind me. But at the setting-room
+door I slows up and steps to one side
+to let him pass on in first and that gives me
+a chance to spring the catch-bolt on the door
+behind us, unbeknownst to him. I takes his
+hat and coat, all the time rolling my eyes
+round on every side like I'm apprehentious
+somebody else might be breaking in on us
+from the back part of the apartment, and
+then I says to him in a kind of a significating
+whisper, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mr. Raynor, I been truly oneasy in
+my mind 'bout you&mdash;I'm mouty sorry 'at
+you come!"</p>
+
+<p>"Sorry?" he says, sort of startled. "Why,
+you telephoned me yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, suh, I knows I did," I says; "but I
+wuz only obeyin' awders&mdash;an' anyways 'at
+wuz befo' things begun to tek the more serious
+turn w'ich they has took. I'd a-halted
+you at the front do' yonder an' turned you
+back ef I could've, but I wuz delayed back
+in the boss' baid-room tryin' to argue him
+out of his notion an' tha's how come I didn't
+git thar to give you the warnin' word. Or,"
+I says, "ef they'd a-been time an' I'd a-got<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span>
+the chance&mdash;both of w'ich I had neither&mdash;I'd
+a-ketched you on the telephone an'
+stopped you befo' ever you started up-town
+frum the office. So this move&mdash;tollin' you
+in yere an' fortifyin' you up, suh,&mdash;is the
+onliest other one I could think of," I says;
+"an' so, no matter how it may turn out," I
+says, "I want you to carry wid you the
+'membrunces 'at I done the level best I
+could fur you."</p>
+
+<p>"Say," he says, "what's all this palaver
+about?" He's speaking quite bluffy, but
+even so I can tell that the uneasiness is beginning
+to seep into his ankles. "Why
+shouldn't I come here? I was sent for,
+wasn't I? For that matter, why shouldn't
+I come without being sent for? I'm not
+worried about my position in this row&mdash;I'm
+safe."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Sh-h-h!</i>" I says, "please, suh, <i>sh-h-h!</i>
+Keep yore voice down," I says, "whutever
+else you may do. This ain't no time to be
+talkin' loud," I says.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll swear I don't get you," he says. But
+he's took heed and now his notes is low and
+more worried-like. "I'm asked to come up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span>
+here on a matter of business, as I suppose.
+I gather from your hints over the telephone
+you think you've found out something
+which I might be willing to give money for,
+as an exclusive advance tip. So far, so
+good; I'm always open to reason. Then I
+get here and you behave as mysteriously as
+a ghost and go <i>sh-h-hing</i> about as though
+somebody was dead on the premises.
+What's the&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mr. Raynor," I says, "don't speak
+of nobody bein' daid on these premises. It
+sounds too much lak a dreadin' perdiction.
+Mr. Raynor," I says, "fur the sakes of all,
+please lis'sen an' lemme say my say whilst
+they's yit time!"</p>
+
+<p>"All right," he says; "go ahead. I won't
+interrupt again, although I still don't see
+why you should take the matter so seriously."
+But in spite of the fact that when
+he says this he's grinning at me I judges
+that by now the uneasiness has started
+crawling up his legs. It's one of them sickly,
+pestered grins.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, suh," I says, "all last night an'
+th'ough the early parts of this mawnin' Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span>
+Dallas is been carryin' on lak he was mouty
+nigh distracted. Frum words w'ich he lets
+fall, partly to me an' partly w'en he's tawkin'
+to hisse'f, I meks out 'at the trouble is
+on 'count of bus'ness dealin's 'twixt you an'
+him, an' also 'at he's harborin' a 'special pet
+gredge ag'in you on 'count of somethin' or
+other. Fur a spell he tawked right smart
+'bout a compermise settlemint an' 'at wuz
+whut I wanted to tell you pussonally in
+privit&mdash;'at the idee of a compermise settlemint
+wuz floatin' in his mind. He didn't
+sleep none las' night but he walked the floor
+stiddy till pas' daylight; an' all th'ough
+these mawnin' hours, seemed lak to me, he's
+been gittin' mo' an' mo' antagonized ez the
+time went by. Frum the symptoms I should
+a-knowed whut wuz brewin'. But I reckin
+I must a-been blinded, whut wid things
+bein' so out of kelter round the 'partmint.
+W'en he bidden me fur to call you up an'
+invite yore presence yere right away I still
+didn't 'spicion the true facts. But right
+after I'd got th'ough telephonin' down to
+the office I went back to his room to say
+you'd be cumin' shortly an' ez I stepped in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span>
+the do' an' seen him fumblin' in 'at dressin'-table
+drawer an' seen the rampagious look
+w'ich wuz on his face&mdash;oh, Mr. Raynor,
+suh, right 'en wuz w'en my heart upset itse'f
+insides my chist!</p>
+
+<p>"'Cause I done seen 'at look on his face
+befo' now; I seen it fo' yeahs ago, the time
+w'en 'at electioneerin' fuss of his wid the
+late Mr. Dave Townsend come up. At leas'
+once't I seen it on his paw's face an' I seen
+it mo' times 'en once't on the face of his
+uncle, Mr. Z. T. Pulliam, w'ich they called
+him Hell-Roarin' Zack fur short. It runs
+in the blood an' it ripens in the breedin'&mdash;'at
+look do. You don't never want to tamper
+wid a Pulliam&mdash;they comes untamped too
+easy! They goes 'long jest ez peaceable an'
+quiet ez a onborn lamb up to a suttin p'int
+an' 'en 'at look comes over 'em an' the by-standers
+starts removin' theyselves to a place
+of safety. They calls it the deadly sign of
+the Pulliam fambly down our way 'cause
+they knows whut it means&mdash;they's seen it
+loomin' th'ough the pistol-smoke too of'en.
+An' so&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a bluff is this you're trying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span>
+to hand me?" he says. But his face all of a
+sudden has turned just the color of chalk
+and his voice is quivering so the words
+comes forth from between his lips all sort
+of broken up. The man's looks don't match
+his language. "Are you trying to tell me
+there's gun-play threatening around here?
+Well, that's not done any more!"</p>
+
+<p>"You's right!" I says. "Wid the Pulliamses,
+after the fust shot, it ain't necessary fur
+it to be done any mo'&mdash;jest once't is ample!
+They lets go frum the hip an' they don't
+rarely nor never miss&mdash;I reckin it comes
+natchel to 'em. Oh, Mr. Raynor, I knows
+whut the danger is better'n you possibly
+kin! An' oh, Mr. Raynor, I's so skeered on
+yore 'count&mdash;you havin' been alluz mouty
+friendly to me an' you still so young, too!
+An' I's skeered on Mr. Dallases' 'count lakwise,
+'cause these cotehouse folks up yere
+they prob'ly won't 'preciate whut is the custom
+of our locality fur the settlin' of privit
+misunderstandin's betwixt gen'elmen. I'm
+most crazy in my mind, ez you kin see! Ef
+only I could a-got him cooled off an'
+ca'mmed down befo' you got yere! I tried<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span>
+an' I tried but 'twuzn't no use&mdash;it never is
+no use tryin', wid a Pulliam. An' even now
+ef only we could onduce him to hole off an'
+lis'sen to reasonable argumints frum you befo'
+he cuts loose! Oh, Mr. Raynor, I do
+hope an' pray he see fit to give you a chanc't
+to 'splain 'way the diffe'nces! But, oh, I
+dreads the wust! 'Cause he's crouchin' back
+yonder waitin', wid his trigger-finger
+twitchin', an' w'en he sees you&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Let me out of here!" he says. And
+though he says it kind of half-whispering
+yet he says it kind of half-screeching, too.</p>
+
+<p>And with that he makes a break for the
+door behind him, aiming to bust out down
+the hall. But it's locked.</p>
+
+<p>And with that, likewise I turns over a
+little centre-table and it goes down on its
+side with a bang, which that is the ordained
+signal agreed on previous, and I lets a yell
+out of me.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Lawsy," I yells, "it's too late&mdash;yere
+he is now!"</p>
+
+<p>And then Mr. Raynor ceases from pawing
+at the latch and spins round and plasters
+himself flat against the door-panels like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span>
+he was pinned there, with his arms stretched
+wide and his fingers clawing at the wood-work.
+And here, in through the curtains
+of the library door comes Mr. Dallas, that's
+all, stepping light on the balls of his feet,
+with his eyes blazing and his hair all
+mussed-up, and down at his right side, it
+swinging loose and free, he's carrying that
+three-pound chunk of Snake-Eye Jamison's
+shootlery. I don't know whether it's the
+excitement, or the spell of the play-acting
+on him, or the righteous mad which is in
+him, but he looks so perilous I'm mighty
+near scared of him my own self. And even
+though he ain't never toted no pistol before
+in his life he's handling this here big blue
+borrowed smoke-wagon like he'd cut his
+milk-teeth on one. And I'm mighty glad
+she ain't loaded, neither; else he might start
+living up to the reputation I've done endowed
+him with.</p>
+
+<p>That's all, but that's plenty! As Mr.
+H. C. Raynor's knees begins giving way
+under him he starts in to pleading at the
+top of his voice. You could a-heard him
+plumb down in the street I reckon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"For God's sake," he begs, "don't shoot!
+For God's sake, don't shoot yet! Give me
+a minute&mdash;give me time to explain! I'll
+do anything you say, Pulliam&mdash;we can
+square this thing! Only, for God's sake,
+don't shoot!"</p>
+
+<p>By the time he's got this much out of him
+he's setting down flat against the door, with
+his legs stretched out straight in front of
+him and his feet kind of dancing on the floor
+so that his heels makes little knocking
+sounds. He looks like he's fixing to faint
+away. Maybe he did faint, but if he did,
+I know the faintfulness didn't get no higher
+up than his throat, because the last thing I
+heard as I went on out from there through
+the library, was him still babbling away.</p>
+
+<p>Up till the time I left, Mr. Dallas hadn't
+spoke nary word&mdash;just stood there wagging
+that there chunk of hardware in the general
+direction of Mr. Raynor and licking at his
+lips with his tongue, sort of eager-like.
+Well, thus far, it hadn't been necessary for
+him to say nothing&mdash;Mr. Raynor was doing
+enough talking for any number you might
+care to name, up to half a dozen.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XX</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Piebald Joys</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>IT'S maybe twenty minutes later on when
+Mr. Dallas calls to me to come to him
+and bring Koga with me, him saying
+the both of us is required for to witness an
+agreement which has been drawed up.
+Right then and there for the first and last
+time in my life, that there Japanee boy wins
+my admirations. He don't bat a single eye-lash
+as he follows me in where they is. He
+acts like all his life he'd been used to walking
+into a setting-room and finding two gentlemen
+there, one of 'em with a pistol and
+the other with a hard chill. He just sucks
+his breath in once or twice and starts smiling
+very pleasant upon one and all. I
+judges he must a-been brought up in a kind
+of a rough neighborhood over in his own
+country.</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Raynor has done rose up from the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span>
+floor by this time, and is setting in a chair
+where he can be more comfortable; at that,
+he ain't seeming totally comfortable. His
+teeth and his hands and his feet keeps on
+misbehaving, and he looks to me like he's
+been losing considerable flesh even in that
+short time since I left him. His complexion
+also remains very bad. You'd say, offhand,
+here was a gentleman fixing to be
+taken down with a severe spell of illness, or
+else just getting over one and still far from
+well.</p>
+
+<p>He puts his name to a piece of writing
+which is spread out on the table, Mr. Dallas
+standing over him and sort of indicating
+the place to him with the nozzle of that
+there trusty old forty-four. He has some
+difficulty in getting his name set down by
+reason of him keeping flinching away from
+the gun and also on account of his fingers
+being so out of control. Then me and Koga
+likewise signs and whilst I is so doing I rejoices
+to note that the document is all done
+in Mr. Dallases' handwriting.</p>
+
+<p>When this has been attended to there does
+not seem to be no reason why Mr. Raynor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span>
+should linger longer amongst us. He indicates
+that he craves to go but still don't actually
+go till Mr. Dallas gives him the
+word. For such a previously brash white
+man he certainly has been rendered very
+docile. And dumb&mdash;huh! Alongside of
+him guinea-pigs is plumb rambunctuous.</p>
+
+<p>I helps him on with his overcoat, which
+he has trouble getting into it by reason of
+not seeming to be able to stick his arms into
+the sleeves until after several tries; and such
+is his agitated feelings that he starts off forgetting
+his hat. I puts it on his head for
+him, him not saying a word but just staring
+about him kind of null and void, and now
+and then shivering slightly; and as he goes
+down the hall towards the elevator he's got
+one hand sort of pressed up against the wall
+for to support him on his way. If I'd been
+him I should a-went right straight on home
+and laid down for a spell. Probably that's
+what he did do. I know I ain't seen hair
+nor hide of him since and I ain't expecting
+to do so, neither, without we should run into
+one another by accident on the street sometime.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As I comes back from the front door after
+seeing him safely off, Mr. Dallas is waiting
+for me in the middle of the floor with
+a grin on his face, which it mighty near
+splits his face in half across the middle.
+He lays down the agreement paper and the
+artillery so he can shake hands with me
+with both hands.</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "for the second time in
+less than two hours let me tender you my
+earnest congratulations and my everlasting
+gratitude. Thanks to you," he says, "and
+you alone, I'm getting out of the double-barreled
+hole I was in, reasonably intact.
+What's gone I'll gladly charge up to profit
+and loss and valuable experience. What's
+left is a whole lot more than I had dared to
+hope it would be before you took a hand.
+When I look back on my feelings last night
+and contrast them with my feelings today&mdash;say,
+by Jupiter!" he says, "come to think of
+it, it's all happened between late dinner-time
+of one day and late lunch-time of the
+next! It doesn't seem possible! What can
+I do to square myself with you for the debt
+I owe you?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, suh," I says, "you mout start in
+to please me by eatin' a lil' somethin'. Yore
+speakin' of lunch-time 'minds me 'at you
+ain't been right constant at yore meals lately.
+Whut you needs," I says, "is to git yore appetite
+back an' stow a smidgin' of warm
+vittles down yore insides."</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, still hanging onto my
+hands and pumping 'em so fervent it makes
+me feel right diffident for him to be doing
+so, "you're the doctor and your prescriptions
+suit me. Bring on the grub! Say it
+with chowders! We'll celebrate," he says,
+"over the festal hot biscuits! What, ho, for
+the wassail waffles!"</p>
+
+<p>And with that he goes prancing about
+over the room dragging me along with him,
+like he was, say, about nine years old, going
+on ten.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XXI</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Headed Home</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>FOR a fact, that meal which he eats is
+more like a celebration than a regulation
+meal, but considering of everything,
+I reckon that's no more than what is
+to be expected.</div>
+
+<p>He's half way through with his second
+helpings of the lamb chops when he looks
+up at me where I'm standing back of his
+chair and he says to me with one of them
+old-time little-boy twinkles in his eye, like
+he used to have:</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "you certainly can paint
+a fanciful picture when you set yourself to
+it. When I think of the blood-thirsty characteristics
+which you bestowed upon those
+devout and peace-loving ancestors of mine
+I have to stop eating and laugh again."</p>
+
+<p>"You must a-been lis'senin' 'en," I says.</p>
+
+<p>"I overheard part of the tale from behind<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span>
+the portieres," he says. "Oh, but it was
+great stuff, and highly convincing! Even
+in that crucial moment I could appreciate
+your deft touches."</p>
+
+<p>"You ain't knowin' the ha'f of it yit, suh,"
+I says. "Wait till you hears tell 'bout them
+fictionary kinsfolks I's conferred 'pon you
+in 'nother quarter an' how I endowed the
+whole passil of 'em wid the chronic failin'
+of bein' onreliable in the haid. I 'spects
+you'll want to use 'at pistol shore-'nuff in
+earnest 'en."</p>
+
+<p>"Not me," he says; "not me. I'll give
+three ringing cheers for your superior inventive
+qualities. If I had your power of
+imagination I'd charge admission," he says.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm glad you feels 'at way, suh," I says,
+"but I shore does aim to walk wide of the
+deceasted members of the Pulliam fambly
+w'en I crosses over to the fur side of the
+deep River of Jordan," I says. "I ain't
+cravin' to git in no jam wid any ole residenter
+angels till I's used to bein' one myse'f.
+I wonder," I says, "whut Mr. H. C.
+Raynor'd think ef he knowed 'at yore Uncle
+Zachary wuz a Persistin' Elder of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span>
+Southe'n Meth'dis' Church fur goin' on
+twenty yeahs?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind what he thinks now or hereafter,"
+he says. "It's what my late partner
+did that counts. Anyhow, you didn't deceive
+him when you told him Uncle Zach's
+nickname."</p>
+
+<p>"'At did fit in nice," I says; "me rememb'rin',
+jest in the nick of time, 'at they called
+the ole gen'elman Hell Roarin' Zach by
+reason of his exhortin' powers w'en 'scribin'
+them brimstones an' them hot fires bein' so
+potent 'at the sinners could smell 'em an'
+shiver. Well, suh, tha's all part of my system:
+Stir a slight seasonin' of truthfulness
+into the mixture frum time to time an' it
+meks the batter stand up stiffer. An' also
+don't never waste a good lie widout you has
+to&mdash;save 'em till you needs 'em. Tha's my
+motto, suh."</p>
+
+<p>"And I subscribe to it," he says, and he
+chuckles some more. In fact he's chuckling
+right straight along till he gets up from
+the table. Then he rears back in a chair and
+sets a cigar going. He makes me take a
+cigar, too, which it is the first time I has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span>
+ever smoked in a white gentleman's presence
+whilst serving him. But this is a special
+occasion and more like a jollification
+than anything else. So I starts puffing on
+her when my Young Cap'n insists upon it;
+and then, at his command, I just lit in and
+told him all what had happened at Miss
+DeWitt's flat that morning and about a lot
+of other things&mdash;things I'd overheard and
+things I'd suspicioned&mdash;which it had not
+seemed fitten to tell 'em to him before this,
+but now both time and place appears suitable.</p>
+
+<p>Talking about one thing leads to talking
+about another, as it will, and presently I
+finds myself confiding to him the expective
+undertakings of the firm of Poindexter &amp;
+Petty, which that is all news out of a clear
+sky to him, seeing as I'd kept this to myself
+as a private matter in the early stages. He
+says he'd sort of figured, though, I had
+something up my sleeves, by reason of my
+having seemed so interested in the moving-picture
+business and all. And though he
+don't say so, I judges he figures out, too,
+that here lately I maybe has refrained from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span>
+speaking to him about my own affairs when
+he was so pesticated about his own&mdash;which
+also, more or less, is the truth of it.</p>
+
+<p>But now he's deeply interested and 'lows
+he wants to hear more. He states that while
+he's sorry on his own account that I is not
+going back home with him when he goes,
+which that will be just as soon as he can
+clean up things here and sell off the lease on
+the apartment and so forth, still, he says,
+he's glad for my sake that I'm going to stay
+on since I've got bright prospects ahead of
+me for to break into the business life of the
+Great City. Him saying this so kindly inspires
+me to go on and tell him all about
+our plans and purposes. I says that the outlook
+is that me and 'Lisses Petty will be
+ready to open up pretty soon, seeing as I has
+had word just two days before from Mr.
+Simons that he's almost ready to cut loose
+with his announcements in the papers. I'm
+going on further along this line when all
+of a sudden he busts in to ask me what about
+the old judge coming home in the spring-time
+from foreign-off parts and not finding
+me there to meet him?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Well, sirs, that do fetch me up short with
+a jar! Because, if it must be confessed, I've
+got to admit I has been so carried away with
+my own pet schemes that the thought of my
+obligations to Judge Priest is done entirely
+escaped out of my foolish mind. I
+hates to draw back from them new ambitions
+of mine and yet, seems like, I can't
+hardly bear the notion of breaking my
+bounden promises to my old boss-man after
+the way we'd been associated together under
+the same roof for going on it's sixteen years.
+What with the one thing pulling me this
+here way and the other thing pulling me
+that there way, all of a sudden I now gets a
+kind of a choked-up feeling in my breast.
+I don't know whether it's the wrench at my
+heart or the strain on my wishbone. But it's
+there! So I ups and puts the proposition
+before the Young Cap'n and I asks what he
+thinks I should do?</p>
+
+<p>He studies a minute and then he says to
+me, he says:</p>
+
+<p>"Jeff," he says, "I'll tell you how I feel
+about it and if, in view of the lack of judgment
+I've shown recently in certain other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span>
+matters, you still regard my advice as being
+worth anything, you're welcome to it. You
+believe you've got a chance to make good
+up here, don't you? Well, then, I believe
+it's your duty to yourself, regardless of almost
+every other consideration, to take advantage
+of that chance. And I'm positive
+Judge Priest will feel the same way about
+it when he learns the situation. I believe
+he'll gladly release you from any obligations
+you may owe him. In fact, knowing
+him so well, I'll bank on it. With your consent
+I'll write him tonight, a long letter,
+setting forth the exact conditions. How
+does that strike you."</p>
+
+<p>I tells him I is agreeable to that. But I
+says to him, I says:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dallas, one thing more, please, suh?
+In yore letter tell the Jedge 'at w'en he gits
+back, ef he finds the home-place ain't runnin'
+to suit him widout me on hand to he'p
+look after his comfort, w'y all he's got do
+is jest lemme know an' I'll ketch the next
+train fur home. Ef the bus'ness yere can't
+run herse'f aw'ile wid 'Lisses Petty alone<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span>
+on the job by hisse'f, then let the whole she-bang
+go busted&mdash;tha's all.</p>
+
+<p>"Lis'sen, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I got yit
+'nother idee in my haid&mdash;I craves to demerstrate
+one thing! They's some w'ite
+folkses w'ich claims the run of black folks
+nowadays ain't got no proper sense of gratitudes
+nor faithfulness, neither. They
+claims 'at the new-issue cullid ain't lak the
+ole-timers of the race wuz&mdash;'at they furgits
+favors an' bre'ks pledges an' sometimes
+turns an' bites the hand w'ich has fed an'
+fondled 'em. Mebbe they is right&mdash;I ain't
+'sputin' they ain't, in some cases. But I is
+sayin' they is one shiny black nigger jest
+rearin' to prove the contrarywise so fur ez
+he pussonally is concern', w'ich I'm," I says,
+"him!</p>
+
+<p>"An' in fu'ther proof whar'of," I says,
+"I begs you to mek me a solemn promise,
+yere an' now. I asts you, please, suh, to keep
+yo eye on the ole boss-man an' ef he sh'd
+show the onfailin' signs of feeblin'-up an'
+bre'kin' down&mdash;w'ich is only to be 'spected,
+seein' ez he is gittin' 'long so in yeahs&mdash;I
+don't want you to wait 'twell he notifies me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span>
+hisse'f 'at he's needin' me. 'Cause the
+chances is he wouldn't do it, noways, effen
+he feared it mout mean a sacrifice on my
+part fur me to come to him. I wants you
+to send me the word on yore own 'sponsibility
+an' I'll git to his side jest ez fast ez
+them steam-cyars kin tote me."</p>
+
+<p>He says he is glad I feels thus-and-so
+about it and he gladly passes his word to do
+like I asked him, if the situation arises.
+With this here point settled he guides me
+back to tell him yet more about the prospects
+of Poindexter &amp; Petty. Which I
+ain't needing much prompting there, seeing
+as the said projects lays close to my heart
+and my mind. I tells him we has reached
+the point where we is about to close the deal
+for the office. In fact, I says, I has been
+calculating some on running up-town to see
+'Lisses about that very detail this same afternoon
+providing he don't need me round
+the apartment to do something or other for
+him. Whereupon he up and says an astonishing
+thing:</p>
+
+<p>"I'll go along with you if you don't
+mind," he says. "I want to have a look at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span>
+this associate of yours and get his views.
+I'd like to do more than that if it can be arranged;
+I'd like to lend my aid in helping
+to put this enterprise on its feet&mdash;to feel
+that, in one way or another, I had a friendly
+hand in it. I'm your eternal debtor, you
+know, Jeff."</p>
+
+<p>"Go 'way frum yere, Mr. Dallas," I says,
+"an' quit yore foolin'. Whut bus'ness has
+you got gittin' yo'se'f mixed in wid a pack
+of nigger-rubbage? Whut would the rest
+of the high-toned folks down home say ef
+they heared of any sech goings-on 'pon yore
+part? Tell me 'at, suh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind what they'd think or what
+they'd say," he says; "that's my look-out.
+Tell me the truth now, Jeff,&mdash;have you two
+boys got all the money you need to start you
+up and to keep you going until your agency
+begins to pay?"</p>
+
+<p>At that I has to admit to him that the
+prior expenses has been right smart heavier
+than what us two had figured on at the
+start-off.</p>
+
+<p>"That's what I rather suspected," he says.
+"Now then, I've got out of my own complications<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span>
+in much better shape than I'd ever
+dreamed I could. I still have a sizeable
+stake left. In fact I figure I've got just
+about a thousand dollars to spare. If you
+don't feel like taking a thousand dollars
+from me as a gift, or in part payment for
+your services to me during the past twenty-odd
+hours, why not take it as a loan without
+interest until you get on your feet, or until
+you've had ample opportunity to try this
+new venture out thoroughly&mdash;No, by Jove,
+I've got a better plan than that! I want to
+stick that thousand in as an investment along
+with you two boys. If I never get it back, or
+any part of it, count it money well-spent.
+I've made a number of other investments in
+my bright young life that didn't pay either,
+and I'll be drawing regular dividends on
+this one, even though they may not be in
+terms of dollars and cents. Come on&mdash;let's
+go see this friend, Petty, of yours. You
+can't keep me out of the deal on anything
+short of an injunction."</p>
+
+<p>What is you going to do with a hard-headed
+white man when he gets his neck
+bowed that-a-way? You is going to do just<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span>
+what we done, that's what you going do!
+So that's how come Poindexter &amp; Petty is
+now got for their silent partner a member
+of one of the oldest families in West Kentucky
+and pure quality from the feet up.</p>
+
+<p>I has come mighty close to forgetting one
+other thing which happens before we leaves
+the place to go on up to Harlem. I is helping
+him on with his coat when he says:</p>
+
+<p>"Wait a minute! I want to write out some
+telegrams first. I want to send one to my
+lawyer, Mr. Jere Fairleigh, stating that the
+Prodigal will shortly be on his way back,
+and one to my cousin to have the home-place
+opened up for me&mdash;and one other.
+I've gotten rather behind with my correspondence
+lately; I'll do some letter-writing
+tonight. But I'll wire on ahead first. You
+call a messenger-boy, Jeff."</p>
+
+<p>I trusts I is not no spy but I just can't
+keep from peeping over his shoulder whilst
+he's writing out that there third telegram&mdash;which
+it is pretty near long enough to be a
+letter itself&mdash;and I is rejoiced in my soul
+to note that it's being sent to the one I hoped
+'twas&mdash;and that's Miss Henrietta Farrell.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>Chapter XXII</h2>
+
+<div class="center"><i>Last Words</i></div>
+
+
+<div class='cap extraspace'>WELL, I got my Young Cap'n off
+this morning. I has to admit that
+I begun contracting a kind of a
+let-down feeling in my mind as the time
+drawed near for us to say our farewells to
+one another. You couldn't exactly call it
+homesickness nor yet downright sorrowfulness;
+it was kind of a mixed sensation,
+with regretitude and lonesomeness and
+gladsomeness all scrambled up together,
+and running through it, a knowledge that
+I'm going to miss him mighty much for
+awhile, anyhow. I certainly has grown
+powerful devoted to him since last summer
+and I knows full well that, from his standpoint,
+he must have similar regards towards
+me. I reckon our own kind of folks can
+appreciate how this attachment could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span>
+a-sprung up betwixt us, even if most of
+these here Northerners can't.</div>
+
+<p>It must be that my looks more or less betrays
+my emotions as the parting time draws
+closer, because he keeps on speaking cheering
+utterances to me about other matters,
+without mentioning the nearby separation;
+which I appreciates the spirit behind his
+words as much as I does the words themselves.
+If I told it to him once at that depot
+I suppose I must a-told it to him a dozen
+times, to give my most respectful regards to
+the old boss-man when next he sees him.
+And he keeps saying to me I must write
+regular and keep him posted on everything
+in general.</p>
+
+<p>"I's shore countin' on seein' you down
+home next summer wen I comes down on a
+visit," I says; "I's already mekin' my plans
+'cordin'ly. Mebbe," I says, "you mout
+ketch me sneakin' in even sooner 'en 'at, ef
+so be this yere bookin' agency bus'ness teks
+a notion to blow up on us."</p>
+
+<p>"I've got a conviction you'll make good,"
+he says. "If the first venture doesn't pan
+out I'll trust in you to light on your feet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span>
+somewhere else&mdash;I've seen you in operation,
+you know." Then he goes on, speaking
+now a little bit wistful-like: "You seem
+able to figure out a way to beat this New
+York game, by playing it according to your
+own set of rules. But I couldn't do it&mdash;I
+had it proven to me and the proof cost me
+money. I'm through&mdash;and ought to be glad
+of it. You're just starting."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, suh," I says, "I does my best. The
+way I looks at this town," I says, "is this
+yere way: Jest ez soon ez you gits over bein'
+daunted-up by the size of her, the best
+scheme is to start in lettin' on lak you knows
+mo' 'bout 'most ever'thin' 'en whut the folkses
+does w'ich has been livin' yere all along.
+That'll fetch 'em ef anything will, or else
+I misses my guess. This is the onliest place
+I knows of," I says, "whar a shined-up
+counterfeit passes muster jest ez well ez the
+pyure gold, ef not better, 'specially ef the
+gold happens to be sort of dulled-down an'
+tarnished-lookin'. The very way the town
+is laid out he'ps to clarify my p'int, suh,"
+I says. "She's fenced in betwixt a bluff on
+one side an' a Sound on the other, an' she's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span>
+sufferin' frum the effects of her own joggraphy.
+Jest combine in yore daily actions
+the biggest of bluffs an' the most roarin' of
+sounds an' she's liable to lay down at yore
+feet an' roll over at yore command. Leas'wise,"
+I says, "them's my beliefs."</p>
+
+<p>"Probably you are right," he says.
+"Well, Jeff, try not to let these people up
+here spoil you and make you fresh and impudent.
+I don't believe they will, though."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but you is wrong thar, suh," I says.
+"I kin tek spilin' ez well ez the nex' one. Ef
+they aims to come edgin' 'crost the culler-line
+in my direction, I ain't the one to
+hender 'em. Whut they gives, I'll tek an'
+a bit mo'. Ef they ain't had the 'vantage
+of bein' raised the way you an' me is, an'
+wants fur to pamper me all up, I'm goin' to
+let 'em do so. Fact is, Mr. Dallas," I says,
+"I's gittin' pampered already. Lemme
+show you somethin', suh, in strictes' confidences&mdash;yere's
+a perfessional callin'-cyard,
+w'ich I had a lot of em struck off yistiddy
+at a printin'-shop over on Columbus Avenue."
+And I deals the top one off of the
+pack in my vest pocket and hands it over to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span>
+him. "See whut it sez," I says. "It sez,
+'Col. J. Exeter Poindexter, Esq.'"</p>
+
+<p>"How did you work that arrangement
+out?" he says, smiling.</p>
+
+<p>"Mouty easy-lak," I says. "'Col.' is short
+for 'cullid', ain't it? So I jest shortens up
+'cullid' into 'Col.' an' switches it frum the
+caboose end to the front end. An' I changes
+my middle name to 'Exeter' w'ich it has a
+mo' stylish sound to it 'en whut 'Exodus'
+had. An' I tacks on the 'Esq.' at the fur
+endin' to mek it still mo' bindin', lak the
+button on a rattle-snake's tail. An' thar
+you is, suh!"</p>
+
+<p>"But you are not a colonel&mdash;yet," he says.</p>
+
+<p>"Whut's the diff'unce," I says, "so long
+ez these yere folkses don't know no better.
+They fattens on bein' deceived. An', anyway,"
+I says, "I aims fur to cultivate the
+military manner. Mr. Dallas," I says,
+"don't mek no mistek 'bout it&mdash;I's gittin'
+fresh already, w'ich it is the customary custom
+yere, an' the chances is I'll git still
+fresher yit. But it'll be fur Noo Yawk
+pu'pposes 'sclusively. W'en I meets up wid
+one of my own kind of w'ite folks in these<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span>
+parts or w'en I goes back ag'in amongst my
+own folks down below the Line, I'll know
+my place an' my station an' I'll respec' 'em
+both; an' I'll be jest the same plain reg'lar
+ole J. Poindexter, Cullid, w'ich you alluz
+has knowed. Please, suh, tell Jedge Priest
+'at fur me, too!" I says.</p>
+
+<p>The time comes for him to get aboard
+without he wants to miss his train. So we
+says our parting words. I reckons some of
+them white foreigners standing there gaping
+at us can't understand why it is that Mr.
+Dallas, and him a Southern-born white
+gentleman, should throw his arm around
+my shoulder at the farewell moment and pat
+me on the back. But then, of course, that's
+due to the ignorance of their raisings and
+probably they is not to blame so much after
+all.</p>
+
+<p>I will now draw to a close with the above
+accounts. Writing is a sight harder work
+than I thought it would be when I set in
+to do this authorizing, and I is not sorry
+to be shut of the job. Anyway, from now
+on, I'm a New York business man, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span>
+I counts on it paying better than writing for
+a living, if only I've got the right salt for
+sprinkling on the Luck-Bird's tail.</p>
+
+<p>I think I has.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>THE END</h2>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="caption, center">Footnotes:</div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_4" id="Footnote_1_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_4"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Note by Jeff's amanuensis.&mdash;In the part of the Union
+from which Jeff hails and among his race the word <i>mumbling</i>
+denotes complaint, peevishness, a querulous utterance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_4" id="Footnote_2_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_4"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> Note.&mdash;It is believed that Jeff
+meant "transient."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_4" id="Footnote_3_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_4"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Note.&mdash;It has just dawned upon Jeff's volunteer amanuensis
+that throughout the preceding pages of this narrative,
+Jeff's more or less phonetic rendering of this word was an
+effort on his part to deal with the Gallicized pronunciation
+of an English diminutive for a common proper name,
+to wit: <i>Billy</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span></p></div>
+
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> Note.&mdash;The word is believed to be one of Jeff's own
+coinage. It is left as written. Its meaning may be doubtful
+but who will deny that it is a good word?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span></p></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+<div class="caption, center">Transcriber's Notes:</div>
+
+
+<p>No changes have been made to the original document. The following are
+documented to clarify the instances where the original book used
+variations of words or words spelled in a way to convey the speech
+pattern.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<ol>
+<li>Hungry city - possible typo for Hungary City</li>
+
+<li>homestick - possible typo for homesick (used in other places)</li>
+
+<li>Look how they mouty nigh broke they necks fur to usher you in in due
+state? - in in -- possible typo</li>
+</ol>
+
+</blockquote>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36365-h.htm or 36365-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/3/6/36365/
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/36365-h/images/004a.png b/36365-h/images/004a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5a6469b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365-h/images/004a.png
diff --git a/36365-h/images/cover.jpg b/36365-h/images/cover.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..32a4aef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365-h/images/cover.jpg
diff --git a/36365.txt b/36365.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ac8f02d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,5289 @@
+Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: J. Poindexter, Colored
+
+Author: Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+Release Date: June 9, 2011 [EBook #36365]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                         _J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+
+
+
+    _By Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+
+    _Fiction_
+
+    J. POINDEXTER, COLORED
+    SUNDRY ACCOUNTS
+    FROM PLACE TO PLACE
+    THOSE TIMES AND THESE
+    LOCAL COLOR
+    OLD JUDGE PRIEST
+    BACK HOME
+    THE ESCAPE OF MR. TRIMM
+
+
+    _Wit and Humor_
+
+    ONE THIRD OFF
+    A PLEA FOR OLD CAP COLLIER
+    THE ABANDONED FARMERS
+    THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
+    EATING IN TWO OR THREE LANGUAGES
+    "OH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE!"
+    FIBBLE D.D.
+    "SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS--"
+    EUROPE REVISED
+    ROUGHING IT DE LUXE
+    COBB'S BILL OF FARE
+    COBB'S ANATOMY
+
+
+    _Miscellany_
+
+    THE THUNDERS OF SILENCE
+    THE GLORY OF THE COMING
+    PATHS OF GLORY
+    "SPEAKING OF PRUSSIANS--"
+
+
+    _New York_
+
+    _George H. Doran Company_
+
+
+
+_J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+_By_
+
+_Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+_Author of_
+
+
+
+"_Old Judge Priest_,"
+
+"_Speaking of Operations--_," _Etc._
+
+_New York_
+
+_George H. Doran Company_
+
+
+_Copyright, 1922_,
+
+_By George H. Doran Company_
+
+[Illustration: Company Logo]
+
+_Copyright, 1922_,
+
+_By The Curtis Publishing Company_
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+_J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+TO
+MARGARET ILLINGTON BOWES
+
+
+[Illustration: Cover]
+
+
+
+_CONTENTS_
+
+
+CHAPTER                           PAGE
+
+ONE:         _Down Yonder_          11
+
+TWO:         _North-Bound_          27
+
+THREE:       _Manhattan Isle_       41
+
+FOUR:        _Harlem Heights_       61
+
+FIVE:        _Local Colored_        88
+
+SIX:         _Gold Coast_           94
+
+SEVEN:       _Country Side_        103
+
+EIGHT:       _Dark Secrets_        114
+
+NINE:        _Movie-Land_          120
+
+TEN:         _Black Belt_          140
+
+ELEVEN:      _Afric Shores_        151
+
+TWELVE:      _Business Deals_      162
+
+THIRTEEN:    _Private Life_        167
+
+FOURTEEN:    _Oiled Skids_         173
+
+FIFTEEN:     _Vet to Zym_          193
+
+SIXTEEN:     _Lady-Like!_          201
+
+SEVENTEEN:   _Sable Plots_         210
+
+EIGHTEEN:    _White Hopes_         224
+
+NINETEEN:    _Pistol Plays_        235
+
+TWENTY:      _Piebald Joys_        247
+
+TWENTY-ONE:  _Headed Home_         252
+
+TWENTY-TWO:  _Last Words_          264
+
+
+
+
+_J. Poindexter, Colored_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+_Down Yonder_
+
+
+My name is J. Poindexter. But the full name is Jefferson Exodus
+Poindexter, Colored. But most always in general I has been known as
+Jeff, for short. The Jefferson part is for a white family which my folks
+worked for them one time before I was born, and the Exodus is because my
+mammy craved I should be named after somebody out of the Bible. How I
+comes to write this is this way:
+
+It seems like my experiences here in New York is liable to be such that
+one of my white gentleman friends he says to me I should take pen in
+hand and write them out just the way they happen and at the time they is
+happening, or right soon afterwards, whilst the memory of them is clear
+in my brain; and then he'll see if he can't get them printed somewheres,
+which on top of the other things which I now is, will make me an author
+with money coming in steady. He says to me he will fix up the spelling
+wherever needed and attend to the punctuating; but all the rest of it
+will be my own just like I puts it down. I reads and writes very well
+but someway I never learned to puncture. So the places where it is
+necessary to be punctual in order to make good sense and keep everything
+regulation and make the talk sound natural is his doings and also some
+of the spelling. But everything else is mine and I asks credit.
+
+My coming to New York, in the first place, is sort of a sudden thing
+which starts here about a month before the present time. I has been
+working for Judge Priest for going on sixteen years and is expecting to
+go on working for him as long as we can get along together all right,
+which it seems like from appearances that ought to be always. But after
+he gives up being circuit judge on account of him getting along so in
+age he gets sort of fretful by reasons of him not having much to do any
+more and most of his own friends having died off on him. When the state
+begins going Republican about once in so often, he says to me, kind of
+half joking, he's a great mind to pull up stakes and move off and go
+live somewheres else. But pretty soon after that the whole country goes
+dry and then he says to me there just naturally ain't no fitten place
+left for him to go to without he leaves the United States.
+
+The old boss-man he broods a right smart over this going-dry business.
+Being a judge and all, he's always been a great hand for upholding the
+law. But this here is one law which he cannot uphold and yet go on
+taking of his sweetening drams steady the same as he's been used to
+doing all his life. And from the statements which he lets fall from time
+to time I gleans that he can't hardly make up his mind which one of the
+two of them--law or liquor--he's going to favor the most when the pinch
+comes and the supply in the dineroom cupboard begins running low. Every
+time he starts off for a little trip somewheres and has to tote a bottle
+along in his hip pocket instead of being able to walk into a grocery and
+refresh himself over the bar like he's been doing for mighty nigh sixty
+years, I hears him speaking mumbling[1] words to himself. I hears him
+saying it's come to a pretty pass when a Kentucky gentleman has either
+got to compromise with his conscience or play a low-down trick on his
+appetite. Off and on it certainly does pester him mightily.
+
+But just about the middle of the present summer he gets a letter from
+his married niece, her which used to be Miss Sally Fanny Priest but is
+now married to a Yankee gentleman named Fairchild and living in Denver,
+Colorado. Miss Sally Fanny is the closest kin-folks the old judge has
+got left in the world; and she ups and writes to him and invites him to
+come on out there where she lives and stay a spell with them and then
+toward winter go along with her to a place called Bermuda which it seems
+like from what she says in the letter, Bermuda is one of these here
+localities where you can still keep on having a toddy when you feels
+like it without breaking the law.
+
+So he studies about it awhile and then he says to me one night he
+believes he'll go, which he does along about four weeks ago, leaving me
+behind to sort of look out for the home place out on Clay Street. My
+wages goes on the same as if he was there, and I has but little to do,
+but the place seems mighty lonesome to me without the old boss-man
+pottering 'round doing this and that and the other thing. I certainly
+does miss seeing the sight of him. Every time I walks through the front
+part of the house, and it all empty and closed up and smelling kind of
+musted, and sees his old umbrella hanging on the front hall hat-rack
+where he forgot and left it there the day he went away, I gets a sort of
+a low feeling in my mind. It's like having the toothache in a place
+where there ain't no tooth to have it in.
+
+And I keeps on thinking about the old days when he'd be setting out on
+the front porch as night-time come on, with some of them old-time
+friends of his dropping in on him, and me bringing them drinks from the
+sideboard, and them laughing and smoking and joking and carrying on; or
+else maybe talking about the Confederate War and the Battle of Shiloh
+and all. But most of them is now dead and gone and the old judge is away
+out yonder in Denver, Colorado, a-many and a-many a mile from me; and
+all I can hear as I comes up the walk from the front gate after dark is
+the katy-dids calling in the silver-leaf trees and all I can hear when I
+unlocks the door and goes inside is one of them old chimney swifts up
+the chimney, going: "_Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!_" I've took notice before
+now that an empty house which it has always been empty ain't half so
+lonesome for you to be in it as one which has been lived in by people
+you knowed but they have now gone entirely away.
+
+So, after about two weeks of being alone, I gets so restless I feels
+like I can't stand it very much longer without breaking loose someway.
+So one Sunday about half past two o'clock in the evening, I'm going on
+past a young white gentleman by the name of Mr. Dallas Pulliam's house
+and he comes out on his front porch and calls over to me and tells me to
+come on in there 'cause he wants to talk to me about something. So I
+crosses over from the other side of the street and walks up to the porch
+steps and takes off my hat and asks him how he is getting along and he
+says he ain't got no complaint and he asks me how is I getting along my
+own self and I tells him just sort of toler'ble so-and-so, and then he
+says to me how would I like to take a trip to New York City? I thinks he
+must be funning. But I says to him, I says:
+
+"How come New York City, Mr. Dallas?"
+
+So he tells me that here lately he's been studying a right smart about
+going to New York and staying there a spell on a sort of a vacationlike,
+and if he likes it maybe he'll settle there and go into business. He
+says he's about made up his mind to take some likely black boy along
+with him for to be his body-servant and look after his clothes and
+things and everything and he's thinking that maybe I might be the one to
+fill the bill; and then he says to me:
+
+"How about it, Jeff--want to go along and give the big town the
+once-over or not?"
+
+I then sees he is not funning but is making me a straight business
+proposition. I thanks him and says to him that I has ever had the crave
+to travel far and wide and that I likewise has often heard New York
+spoke of as a very pleasant place to go to, by them which has done so,
+and also a place where something or other is going on most of the time.
+But I says to him I'm afraid I can't go on account I'm under obligations
+to Judge Priest by reasons of us having been together so long and him
+having left me in complete utter charge of our house. He says, though,
+he thinks maybe he can attend to that part of it all right; he says
+he'll write a letter to the Judge specifying about what's come up and
+he's pretty sure it can be fixed up so's I can go. He says if I don't
+like the job after I gets there, he'll pay my way back home again any
+time I wants to come, or when the old judge needs me, either one. He
+says he ain't adopting me, he's just borrowing me.
+
+I always has liked Mr. Dallas Pulliam, him being one of the most
+freehanded young white gentlemen in town. Of course, off and on, I've
+heard the rest of the white folks hurrahing him behind his back about
+the way he's handled all that there money which was left to him here a
+few years back when his paw died. There was that time when he bought a
+sugar plantation down in Louisiana, sight onseen, and when he went down
+to see it, couldn't do so without he'd a-done a whole heap of
+bailing-out first, by reason of its being under three feet of standing
+water. Anyway, that's what I heard tell; thought I reckon it wasn't
+noways as bad as what some of the white folks let on. And there was that
+other time only a few months back when he decided to start up a
+buggy-factory. I overhears Judge Priest speaking about that one day to
+Dr. Lake.
+
+"That young man, Dallas Pulliam, certainly is a sagacious and a
+farseein' person," he says. "Jest when automobiles has got so cheap that
+every hill-billy in the county kin afford to own at least one, he's
+fixin' to go into the buggy-factory business on an extensive scale. Next
+time I run into him I'm goin' to suggest to him that when the buggy
+trade seems to sort of slack up, ez possibly it may, that instid of
+layin' off his hands he might start in to turnin' out flint-lock muskets
+fur the U. S. Army."
+
+I suspicions that Judge Priest or somebody else must have spoke to Mr.
+Dallas along those lines because he didn't go into the buggy business
+after all. For the past several months he ain't been doing much of
+anything, so far as I knows of, except pranking 'round and courting Miss
+Henrietta Farrell.
+
+Well, white folks may poke their fun at him unbeknownst, but he's got
+manners suitable to make him popular with me. He's the kind of a white
+gentleman that's this here way: He'll wear a new necktie or a fancy vest
+about three or four times and then he'll get tired of it and pass it on
+to the first one which comes along. Moreover, him and me is mighty near
+the same size and I knows full well in advance, just from looking at him
+that Sunday evening standing there on his porch, that the very same suit
+of clothes which he's got on then will fit me without practically no
+alterations. It's a checked suit, too, and mighty catchy to the eye. So
+right off I tells him if Judge Priest gives his free will and consent
+I'll certainly be down at the depot when that there old engine whistle
+blows for to get aboard for New York City. Which he then asks me for
+Miss Sally Fanny's address and promises he'll write out there that very
+night to find out can I go.
+
+It's curious how news does travel 'round in a place that's the right
+size for everybody in it to know everybody else's business. Before night
+it has done leaked out somehow that I is seriously considering accepting
+going to New York with young Mr. Dallas Pulliam; and by next morning, lo
+and behold, if it ain't all over town! Wherever I goes, pretty near
+everybody I meets, whites and blacks alike, asks me how about it and
+allows I'm powerful lucky to get such a chance. Mostly, in times gone
+by, when my race goes North they heads for Chicago, Illinois, or maybe
+Detroit, Michigan, or Indianapolis, Indiana. No sooner do they get
+there than they begins writing back saying that up North is the only
+fitten place for colored folks to be at; wages high, times easy, and
+white folks calling you "Mister" and everything pleasant like that. They
+writes that there is not no Jim Crow cars nor separate seats for colored
+at the moving-pictures nor nothing like that. But I has taken notice
+that after awhile most of 'em quits writing back and starts coming back.
+Some stays but more returns--and is verging on shouting-happy when they
+crosses the Ohio River coming in. From what I hears some of 'em say
+after they gets home and has got a full meal of vittles inside of them,
+and so is got more time to talk, I has made up my mind that so far as my
+own color is concerned, the main difference from the South is this: Up
+North they calls you "Mister" but they don't feed you!
+
+Still, New York City ain't Chicago, Illinois, nor yet it ain't Detroit,
+Michigan; and besides, working for Mr. Dallas Pulliam, I won't have to
+be worrying about when does I eat next. Still, even so, I says to
+myself that it won't be no harm to inquire round now that the word is
+done leaked out anyhow, and learn something more than what little I
+knows about New York City. But it seems like, outside of some few white
+folks, there is not nobody I knows who's ever been there, excusing a few
+head of draft-boys which went there enduring of the early part of the
+war; and they wouldn't scarcely count neither on account of them just
+passing through and not staying over only just a short time whilst
+waiting for the boat to start. Howsomever, they tells me, one and all,
+that from what they did see of it they is willing to recommend it very
+highly.
+
+One or two of the white gentlemen which I is well acquainted with, they
+tells me the same, too. Mr. Jere Fairleigh he takes me into his law
+office when I meets him on the street and speaks to him about it; and he
+gets a book all about New York down off of one of his shelves and he
+reads to me where the book says that in New York there is more of these
+here Germans than there is in any German city except one, and more
+Russians than there is in any Russia city except none, and more Italians
+than there is in any Italy city except one, and more Hungarians than
+there is in any Hungry city at all, and so on and so forth. I says to
+him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Jere, it seems lak they is mo' of ever' nation in Noo Yawk 'en whut
+they is anywhars else. But they does not 'pear to be nothin' said 'bout
+'Merikins. How come, suh?"
+
+He says he reckons there's so few of them there that the man which wrote
+the book didn't figure it was worth while putting them in. Still, he
+says I'll probably run into somebody once in awhile which speaks the
+United States language.
+
+"'Most every policeman does," he says, "I understand it's the law that
+they have to be able to speak it before they'll let 'em go on the force,
+so as they can understand the foreigners that come over from the
+mainland of North America to visit in New York."
+
+The way he looks--so sort of serious--when he says that, I can't tell if
+he's in earnest or not. I judges, though, that he's just having his
+fumdiddles with me. And then he goes on and tells me that the biggest of
+everything and the tallest and the richest and the grandest is found
+there and if I don't believe it is, I can just ask any New Yorker after
+I gets there and he'll tell me the same.
+
+So, taking one thing with another, I'm mighty much pleased when the word
+comes along in about a week from then that the old judge says I can go
+and sends me his best wishes and a twenty-dollar bill as a parting gift
+and friendship offering. He says in the letter, which Mr. Dallas reads
+to me, to tell me to be sort of careful about sampling the stock of
+liquor and cigars on the sideboard of any New York family when I'm in
+their house, and also not to start in wearing a strange Yankee
+gentleman's clothes without telling him about it first. He says people
+up there probably don't understand local customs as they have ever
+prevailed down our way, and if I ain't careful, first thing I know
+there'll be a skinny black nigger named Jeff locked up in the county
+jail hollowing for help and not no help handy.
+
+But that's just the old boss-man's joke. He always is been the beatenest
+one for twitting me about little things around the house! Mr. Dallas he
+knows how to take what the Judge says and so does I and we has quite a
+laugh together over the letter.
+
+And lessen twenty-four hours from that time we is both all packed up and
+on our way, New York bound, me wearing one of Mr. Dallas' suits of
+clothes which I figures he ain't had it on his back more than five or
+six times before altogether. It's a suit of a most pleasing pattern,
+too. And cut very stylish, with a belt in the back.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[1] Note by Jeff's amanuensis.--In the part of the Union from which Jeff
+hails and among his race the word _mumbling_ denotes complaint,
+peevishness, a querulous utterance.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+_North Bound_
+
+
+Next morning after we gets across into Ohio, Mr. Dallas he fetches me
+into the Pullman car where he's riding. I finds myself more comfortable
+there than I has been riding up front in the colored compartment, but
+lesser easy in my mind. I enjoys the feel of them soft seats and yet I
+gets sort of uneasy setting amongst so many strange white folks. Still,
+there ain't nobody telling me to roust myself out from there and after a
+while I gets more used to being where I now is. Also I gets acquainted
+with two of the porters, the one on our car and the one on the car which
+is hitched on next to us. When they ain't busy, we all three gets out in
+the little porches betwixt the cars and confabs together. 'Course I
+don't let on to them, but all the time I studies them two boys.
+
+The one on our car, which his given name is Roscoe, is short and chunky
+and kind of fatted out; he's black as the pots and powerful nappy-headed
+besides. His head looks like somebody has done dipped it in a kettle of
+grease and then throwed a handful of buckshot at it and they all stuck.
+But he's smart; he knows what's service. I sees that plain.
+
+With Roscoe it's this way: A lady gets on board the car. No sooner does
+she sit down and begin to fumble with the hat-pins than there's old
+Roscoe standing right alongside of her holding a big paper bag in his
+hands all opened out for her to put her hat in it and keep it out of the
+dust. A gentleman setting in the smoking-room reaches in his pocket and
+gets a cigar out. Before he rightly can bite the end of it off, here is
+this here same Roscoe at his elbow with a match ready. Roscoe he ain't
+hanging back waiting for folks to ask him for something and then have
+them getting all fretful whilst he's running to find whatever 'tis they
+wants. No sir, not him. He's there with the materials almost before
+they is made up their minds what it is they craves next. He just
+naturally beats 'em to it; which I'll tell the world that's service.
+
+He's powerful crafty about his tips, too. When he does something for a
+passenger and the passenger reaches in his pocket to get a little piece
+of chicken-feed out to hand over to Roscoe, he smiles and holds up his
+hand.
+
+"No, suh," he says to him, "keep yore funds whar they now is, please,
+suh. There ain't no hurry--we're goin' travel quite a piece together.
+W'en we gits to whar you gits off, ef you is puffec'ly satisfied wid all
+whut has been done in yore behalf then you kin slip me a lil' reward, ef
+you's a-mind to."
+
+He tells me in confidences that working it that-a-way he gets dollars
+where he would a-got dimes. He calls it his deferred payment plan. He
+says some months his tips run three times what his wages is. I'll say
+that old tar-baby certainly is got something in his head besides sockets
+for his teeth to set in.
+
+The other porter, the one which is on the car next behind, is as
+different from Roscoe as day is from night. He calls himself Harold.
+But I knows just from looking at him that he's too old for such a fancy
+entitlement as that. 'Cause Harold is a new-issue name amongst us
+colored, and this here boy must be rising of forty years old, if he's a
+day. This Harold is yellow-complected and yet he ain't the pure high
+yellow, neither; he's more the shade of a slice of scorched sponge cake.
+He's plenty uppidity. And I takes notice that the further North the
+train goes the more uppidity he gets. He quits saying "No, ma'am," and
+"Yas, suh," almost before we leaves Cincinnati. He quits saying "Thanky,
+_suh_," and he starts saying "_I_ thank you," in such a way it sounds
+like he was actually doing you a favor to accept your two bits. He
+starts talking back to passengers which complains about something. He
+acts more and more begrudgeful until it looks like it must actually hurt
+him to step along and do something which somebody on the train wants
+done. Along about Pittsburgh he's got so brash that I keeps watching for
+some white man to rise up and knock that boy's mouth so far round from
+the middle of his face it'll look like his side-entrance. But nothing
+like that don't happen and I is most deeply surprised and marvels
+greatly. I says to myself, I says:
+
+"Harold," I says, "I aims to git yore likeness well fixed in my mind
+'cause I got a presentermint 'at you ain't goin' be 'round yere so very
+much longer an' I wants to be able to remember how you looked, after you
+is gone frum us. Some these times you is goin' git yore system mixed an'
+start bein' biggotty on yore way South an' 'en you is due to wake up at
+the end of yore run all organized to attend yore own fune'l. Yas, suh,
+man, w'en you comes to in Newerleans you'll a-been daid fully twelve
+hours. I kin jest shut my eyes right now an' see the cemetery sexton
+pattin' you in the face wid a spade."
+
+I talks to him about the way he acts. Course I does not come right out
+and ask him about it; but I leads him up to it gentle and roundabout. He
+tells me he don't aim to let nobody run over him. He tells me he
+considers himself just as good as they is, if not better. He says he
+lives in a place called Jersey City where the colored race gets their
+bounden rights and if they don't get 'em they up and contends for 'em
+until they do. I says to him, I says:
+
+"Harold," I says, "I ain't never been about nowhars much till this
+present trip an' I ain't never seen much, so you must excuse of my
+ign'ence but the way it looks to me, I'd ruther be happy amongst niggers
+then miser'ble amongst w'ite folks."
+
+He says to me ain't I got no respect for my color? I says to him I's got
+so much respect for it that I ain't aiming to jam myself into places
+where I ain't desired. He says that ain't the point; he says the point
+is that I is got to stand up for the entitled rights and privileges of
+the colored race. I says where I comes from I also has got to think
+about keeping from getting my head all peeled. He says to me I'll find
+out before I has been long up North that there is a sight of difference
+betwixt Kentucky and New Jersey. I says to him that most doubtless he is
+right. And then he says I should also be careful about speaking the
+word "nigger." He says the word ain't never used no more amongst
+colored folks which respects themselves. I says to him, I says:
+
+"Huh!" I says. "Well, then, whut does you call a boy w'en you's blabbin'
+'long wid him friendly-lak?"
+
+He says it is different when I is strictly amongst my own color, but
+that I mustn't never speak the word "nigger" in front of white folks nor
+never allow no white man to call me that and get away with it.
+
+I says:
+
+"Not even ef you is wu'kin' fur him an' he don't call it to you to hurt
+yore feelin's nor to demean you but jest sez it sociable an' so-an'-so?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Not under no circumstances whutsomever."
+
+I says:
+
+"How is I goin' stop him?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Wid yore fists. Or half of a loose brick. Or somethin'."
+
+I says to Harold:
+
+"Harold," I says, "you shore wuz right jest now w'en you norrated 'at
+they wuz a diff'ience betwixt Kintucky an' up-North. Well, live an'
+learn," I says, "live an' learn. Only, ef I aims to learn frum you I has
+doubts whether I'll live so ver' much longer."
+
+We talks some more about making money, too. It seems like the closer you
+gets to New York City the more you thinks about money. I noticed it then
+and I notices it since, frequent. He says to me that some of the boys in
+the sleeping-car portering business don't depend just on their wages and
+their tips alone. He says they has another way for to pick up loose
+change. He says he don't follow after it himself; he says he has got one
+or two other boys in mind which he has talked with 'em and knows how
+they does it.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Specify?"
+
+He says:
+
+"The way these yere boys gits they money is 'at they gits it late at
+night after ever'body has done went to baid. Most gin'elly a man 'at's
+travelin' he don't keep track of his loose change. Anyhow, he don't
+keep near ez close track of it ez he do w'en he's home. He's buyin'
+hisse'f a cigar yere an' a paper-back book there an' a apple in this
+place an' a sandwitch in 'at place, an' he jest stick the change in his
+pants pocket an' goes on 'bout his bus'ness. Well, come baid-time, he
+turns in. We'll say you is the porter on his car. You goes th'ough the
+car till you comes to his berth. You parts the curtains jest ez easy ez
+you kin an' you peeps in th'ough the crack an' see ef he's sleepin'
+good. Ef his pants is all folded up smooth you better ramble along an'
+leave 'at man be. Folded pants is most gine'lly a sign of a careful man
+w'ich the chances is he knows how much he's got to a cent. But ef his
+pants is kind of wadded-up in the lil' hammock or flung to one side sort
+of keerless-lak, you reaches in an' you lifts 'em out. But fust you
+wants to be shore he's sleepin' sound. Them w'ich sleeps on the back wid
+the mouth open is the safetest."
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Yes, but s'posen' he do wake up an' ketch you fumblin' 'round insides
+of his berth. Whut then?"
+
+"Oh," he says, "tha's all purvided fur in the ritual. You sez to him:
+''Scuse me, mister, I med a mistake. I thought you wuz the gen'lman 'at
+lef' a early call fur to git off at Harrisburg.' But most in gine'l he
+don't wake up. So you gits his pants out into the aisle an' goes th'ough
+'em. Ef he's got somewhars 'round five dollars in loose change in his
+pockets, you teks fifty cents, no mo' an' no less, an' 'en you slips his
+pants back whar you found 'em an' go 'long. Ef he's got somewhars 'round
+ten dollars in chicken-feed an' in ones an' twos, you assesses him dues
+of jest one dollar even. Ef you plays yore system right an' don't git
+greedy they ain't one chanc't in a thousand 'at he'll miss the money
+w'en he wakes up. But," he says, "they's one fatal exception to the
+rule. W'en you come to him, don't touch a cent of his money no matter
+how much he's carryin' on him. 'Cause ef you do he's shore to mek a
+hollow the very fust thing in the mornin' an' next thing you know you's
+in trouble an' they's beckonin' you up on the cyarpet."
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Wait a minute," I says. "Lemme see ef I can't name you the exception my
+own se'f. The exception," I says, "is the w'ite man w'ich he carries all
+his small change in one of these yere lil' screwed-up leather purses.
+Ain't it?"
+
+And he says yes, for a fact, that's so. But he says how come I is
+knowing so much when I ain't never done no portering my own self. And I
+says to him, a man don't need to be wearing railroading clothes to know
+that any white man which totes around one of them little tight patent
+purses knows at all times, sleeping or waking, just exactly how much
+money he's got.
+
+Well, when we gets to New York City it's morning again. When we comes
+out of the depot onto the street I takes one look round and I allows to
+myself that these here New York folks certainly is got powerfully behind
+someway with their hauling. Excusing the time we had the cyclone down
+home, I ain't never in my whole life seen so much truck and stuff and
+things moving in all different directions at the same time. And
+people--_who-ee_! Every which-a-way I looks all I can see is a multitude
+of strangers. And I says to myself there certainly must be a big
+convention going on in this town for the streets to be so full of
+visiting delegates and it's a mighty good thing for us Mr. Dallas is
+done sent a telegram on ahead for rooms at the hotel, else we'd have to
+camp out with some private family same as they does down home in
+county-fair week or when the district Methodist conference meets.
+
+The white gentleman that's going to fix up what I writes, he told me
+that I should set down my first impressions of New York before I begins
+to forget 'em. He says they'll make good local color, whatever that is.
+Which I will now do so:
+
+The thing which impresses me first and foremost is a steamboat I sees on
+the river which runs alongside New York City on the side nearest to
+Paducah. She is not no side-wheeler nor yet she ain't no stern-wheeler,
+which all the steamboats I has ever seen before is naturally bound to
+be one or the other. As near as I can tell, she has not got no wheel at
+all, side- or stern-. It would seem that what runs her is a kind of a
+big hump-back timber which sticks up out of the middle of her hurricane
+deck and works up and down, and which Mr. Dallas tells me is known as a
+walking-beam. But it seems like to me that's certainly a most curiousome
+way to run a steamboat and I says to myself that wonders will never
+cease!
+
+And the thing which impresses me next most is a snack-stand on a
+sidewalk where they is selling watermelons by the slice--and it the
+middle of August!
+
+And next to that the most impressiveness is when I sees a gang of black
+fellows working on a levee down by this same river, only it's mighty
+flat-looking for a levee. These boys is working there roustabouting
+freight, and there ain't a single one of 'em which is singing as he goes
+back and forth. When a river-nigger down our way don't sing whilst he's
+loading, it's a sign something is wrong with him and next thing he knows
+he don't know nothing by reason of the mate having lammed him across
+the head with a hickory gad. But this here gang is going along just as
+dumb as if they was white. I wonders to myself if thereby they is hoping
+to fool somebody into believing they is white?
+
+I will therefore state that these three things is the things which
+impresses me the most highly on my first arrival in New York. I also
+takes notice of the high buildings. They strikes me as being quite high;
+but of course when you starts in to build a high building, highness is
+naturally what you aims for, ain't it?
+
+
+
+
+Chapter III
+
+_Manhattan Isle_
+
+
+The day we gets to New York is the day before yesterday and we has been
+on the go so constant ever since and I has seen so much it seems like my
+ideas is all mixed up together same as a mess of scrambled eggs. The way
+it looks to me, the mainest difficulty with an author, especially if
+he's kind of new at the authorizing business, is not so much to find
+something to write up as 'tis to pick out the special things which
+should be wrote up and just leave the rest be. So it is now my aim to
+set forth the main points which sticks out in my mind.
+
+Well, first off, soon as we gets in, we goes to the hotel. Beforehand,
+Mr. Dallas he says to me it's a quiet hotel up-town; but when we arrives
+at it I takes a look around and I says to myself that if this here is a
+quiet hotel they shore must have to wear ear-mufflers at one of the
+noisy ones if they hopes to hear themselves think. To begin with, she
+don't look like no hotel I've ever been used to. She rears herself away
+up in the air, same as a church steeple, only with windows all the way
+up, and although the weather is pleasant there is not no white folks
+setting in chairs under the front gallery. In the first place, there is
+not nothing which looks like a gallery, excusing it's a little glass
+to-do which sticks out over the pavement at the main entrance, and if
+anybody was to try setting there the only way he could save his feet
+from being mashed off by people trampling on 'em would be for him to
+have both legs sawed off at the ankles. You'd think that, being up-town,
+the neighborhood would be kind of quiet, with shade trees and maybe some
+vacant lots here and there, but, no, sir; it's all built up solid and
+the crowds is mighty near as thick as what they was down around the
+depot and in just as much of a hurry to get to wherever it is they is
+bound for.
+
+Even with all the jamming and all the excitement going on they must
+a-been expecting us. The way they fusses over Mr. Dallas is proof to my
+mind that somebody must a-told 'em in advance that he belongs to the
+real quality down where we comes from, and I certainly is puffed up with
+pride to be along with him. Because if he had been the King of Europe
+they could not have showed him no higher honors than what they does.
+
+No sooner does we pull up at the curb-stone in front than a huge big
+tall white man dressed up something like a Knights of Templar is opening
+the taxihack door for us to get out; and two or three white boys in
+militia suits comes a-running at his call and snatches the baggage away
+from me; and another member of the Grand Lodge, in full uniform, is
+standing just inside the front door to give us the low bow of welcome as
+we walks into a place which it is all done up with marble posts and with
+red wallpaper on the walls and gold chicken-coops on every side until it
+puts me in mind of a country nigger's notion of Heaven. Over at the
+clerk's enclosure three white men is waiting very eager to receive us,
+which each and every one of 'em is wearing his dress-up clothes with a
+standing collar and long-tailed coat the same as though he was fixing to
+be best man at a wedding or pall-bearer at a funeral or something else
+extra special and fancy. For all it's summer-time there is not nobody
+loafing round there in his shirt sleeves--I bet you there ain't!
+
+One of the pall-bearing gentlemen shoves the book round for Mr. Dallas
+to write his name in it and the second one he reaches for the keys and
+the third one he looks to see if there is not some mail or telegrams for
+him. It takes no lessen a number than three of them white boys in the
+soldier clothes to escort Mr. Dallas upstairs and a fourth one he grabs
+up my valise and takes me on an elevator to the servants' annex. He
+don't have to run the elevator himself, neither. There's another hand
+just to do that alone and all my white boy is got to do is wrestle my
+baggage. It's the first time in my life ever I has had a white person
+toting my belongings for me and it makes me feel kind of abovish and
+important. Also, I takes notice that when he gets to my room he keeps
+hanging round fussing with the window shade and first one thing and then
+another, same as if he was one of the bell-boys at the hotel down home
+waiting on a traveling man. Course he's lingering round till he gets his
+tip. For quite a spell I lets him linger on and suffer. I lets on like I
+don't suspicion what he's hanging about that-a-way for. Then I slips him
+two-bits and I don't begrudge it to him, neither, account of it giving
+me such a satisfactory feeling to be high-toning a white boy.
+
+I says to myself that if this here is the annex where they boards the
+transom[2] help, what must the main part of the hotel where the regular
+guests stays at be like? Because my room certainly is mighty
+stylish-looking and full of general grandeur. But I ain't got no time to
+be staying there and enjoying the furniture, because I knows Mr. Dallas
+will be needing me for to come and wait on him. So I starts right out to
+find him and it seems like I travels half a mile through
+them hallways before I does so. He's got a big setting-room all to
+himself and a fashionable bedroom and a special bath and a little
+special hall and all.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas, they shore must be monstrous set-up over havin' you pick
+out they hotel fur us to stop at. Look how the reception committee
+turned out fur you downstairs in full regalia? Look how they mouty nigh
+broke they necks fur to usher you in in due state? And now ef they ain't
+done gone an' 'sign you to the bridal chamber an' give you the upstairs
+parlor fur yore own use, mo' over! It p'intedly indicates to me 'at they
+sets a heap of store by you."
+
+He sort of laughs at that.
+
+"Why, Jeff," he says, "if you think this is a fine lay-out you should
+see some of the other _suites_ they have here."
+
+I says:
+
+"I ain't cravin' to see 'em. I done seen sweetness 'nuff ez 'tis. They
+su'ttinly is usin' us noble."
+
+He says they should ought to use us noble seeing what the price is they
+charges us. He says:
+
+"Do you know what I'm paying here for the accommodations for the two of
+us? I'm paying twenty-seven dollars and a half."
+
+I says to him if that's the case he better let me clear out of there
+right brisk and skirmish round and find me a respectable colored
+boarding house somewheres handy by, so's to cut down the expenses,
+because, I don't care what anybody says, twenty-seven dollars and a half
+is a sight of money to be paying out every week.
+
+He says:
+
+"Twenty-seven and a half a week--huh! Remember, Jeff, we are in New York
+now where everything runs high. This stands me twenty-seven and a half a
+day."
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"_Who-ee!_" I says. "No wonder they kin purvide fancy garments fur all
+the hands an' buy solid gold bars fur the cage whar they keeps them
+clerks penned up. Mr. Dallas," I says, "it shore is behoovin' on us to
+eat hearty th'ee times a day in awder fur to git our money's worth
+whilst we's boardin' yere."
+
+He says, though, for me not to overtax my appetite just on that account
+because the eating is besides; he says we pays twenty-seven dollars and
+a half a day just for our rooms.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas, let's git out of yere befo' they begins chargin' us up fur
+the air we breathes!"
+
+He says:
+
+"You're too late with your suggestion; they do charge us for that. The
+air is all cleaned and cooled before it comes into these rooms."
+
+Then I knows for sure he is burlesqueing me. Who's going to hold the air
+whilst they cleans it? And the Good Lord Himself can't chill air to
+order in the middle of a August hot spell, let alone a lot of folks
+running a hotel--can He? I asks Mr. Dallas them questions.
+
+But he just laughs and say to me that there's not no need to worry,
+because he won't be staying there only just a day or so. He says Mr. H.
+C. Raynor, which is his principalest friend in New York and the one
+which he's thinking about maybe going into business with, has done
+devised for us to hire some ready-furnished quarters still higher
+up-town. He says something about 'em being Sublette quarters in a
+department-house; leastwise that's what I makes out of what he says.
+That's news to me in more ways than one because, in the first place, I
+didn't know any of the Sublettes, which is a very plentiful white
+connection in our county, had done moved up here to live, and in the
+second place it seemed like to me there just naturally couldn't be no
+more up-town to New York City than what I already had done observed
+coming from the train.
+
+He goes on to say he is expecting to hear from the gentleman almost any
+minute now and then he'll know better what the program is. Almost before
+he gets the words out of his mouth the telephone bell rings and sure
+enough, it is this here Mr. Raynor which is on the wire, and it turns
+out that the place where we're going is ready for us now on account of
+the folks which owns it having gone away sooner than what they expected,
+and the further tidings is that we can move up there that same day,
+which we does--along about an hour before supper-time. I notices they
+don't make near as much fuss over us going thence from there as they did
+whilst ushering of us in. I judges the man what owns the hotel must be
+feeling kind of put-out about losing of all that there money which we'd
+be paying him had we a-stayed on.
+
+We gets into a taxihack and we rides for what seems like to me it's
+several miles and still are not nowheres near the outskirts as far as I
+can judge, and when finally we gets to the new location I has another
+astonishment. For here all day I've been expecting we'd land at a
+private residence but this place to which we've come at don't look like
+no private residence to me. It's more like the hotel we just left only
+more bigger and mighty near as tall. In all other respects additional it
+certainly is a grand establishment.
+
+It's got a kind of a private road so's carriages can drive in under
+shelter off the sidewalk and 'way back inside is a round piece of ground
+all fixed up with solid marble benches and little cedar trees and
+flowerbeds, like a cemetery. I thinks to myself that maybe this here is
+the private burying-plot for the owner's family; but still there ain't
+no tombstones in sight excepting one over the front door with words cut
+on it, and since I figures I has done showed ignorance enough for one
+day, I don't ask no fool questions about it. The help here also wears
+fancy clothes, but is my own color. I'm glad of that because I counts
+now on having some black folks to get acquainted with and to talk to;
+but just as soon as one of 'em opens his mouth and speaks I knows they
+is not my kind even if they is my complexion. Because he don't talk like
+no white folks ever I knowed and yet he don't talk like none of the
+black folks does at home. Still, just from his conversation I can place
+him. There was two just like him which was brought along once by a
+Northern family staying in our town but they didn't linger long amongst
+us. They didn't like the place and no more the place didn't like them.
+They claimed they was genuine West Indians, whatever that is, and they
+made their brags constant that they also was British subjects. But Aunt
+Dilsey Turner she always said they looked more like objects to her. Aunt
+Dilsey, which she was Judge Priest's cook for going on twenty years, is
+mighty plain-spoken about folks and things which she don't fancy. And
+she did not fancy these two none whatsomever.
+
+When we gets upstairs to our section I'm sort of disappointed in it. The
+furniture ain't new and shiny like what I naturally expected 'twould be.
+Most of it is kind of old and dingy and hacked-up-looking. The curtains
+at the setting-room windows is all frayed-like and mighty near wore
+through in spots. And the Sublette family must a-run out of money before
+they got round to buying the carpets because they is not no carpets at
+all but only a passel of old faded rugs scattered about the floor here
+and there. Some of the chairs--the best company chairs, too--is so old
+they is actually decrepit. I'd say that by rights they belonged in a
+second-hand store, or leastways up in the attic. Moreover, they ain't no
+upstairs to our department nor yet there is not no downstairs nor no
+cellar, but instead, everything, kitchen, pantry, and the rooms for the
+help and all, runs on one floor. But Mr. Dallas he deports himself like
+he is satisfied and it ain't for me to be finding fault if he sees
+fitten not to find any.
+
+Anyway, I is so busy for a little while flying round and getting things
+unpacked that I has no time to utter complaints. Pretty soon, though, I
+has to knock off hanging up Mr. Dallas' suits to mix a batch of
+cocktails from the private stock he has brought along with him in one of
+his trunks, because this here Mr. Raynor he telephones he's bringing
+some of his friends for a round of drinks with Mr. Dallas and then Mr.
+Raynor says they'll ride out in his motor-car to a road-house to get 'em
+some dinner. I takes his message off the telephone and I knows that's
+what he says, surprising though it do sound.
+
+That's a couple of new ones on me--eating dinner when it's already
+mighty near past supper-time and eating it at a road-house, too! I says
+to myself that New York City is getting to act more curiouser to me
+every minute I stays in it. Because the only road-house ever I knowed of
+by that name used to stand alongside the toll-gate just outside the
+corporation limits on the Mayfield road and the old white man which
+collected the tolls lived in it, his name being Mr. Gip Bayless. But the
+gate is done torn down since the public government taken over the gravel
+roads, and anyhow, even in its most palmiest days, none of the quality
+wouldn't never think of stopping there at that little old rusty house
+for their vittles. They'd mighty near as soon think of having a picnic
+at the pest-house.
+
+Still and notwithstanding, Mr. Dallas ain't indicating no surprise when
+I conveys to him what Mr. Raynor says, so I reflects to myself that if
+toll-gate houses up here is in proportion to everything else this one
+which they're aiming to go to, must probably be about the size of a
+county courthouse, with a slate roof on it and doubtless a cupola. So I
+just gets busy and mingles up a batch of powerful tasty cocktails in
+the shaker. I knows they is tasty from a couple of private samples which
+I pours off for myself out in the pantry. My experience has been that
+the only way you can tell is a cocktail just right is to taste it from
+time to time as you goes along.
+
+Immediately soon here comes Mr. Raynor with his friends which there is
+four of them, besides himself--one other gentleman named Bellows and
+three ladies. One of the ladies is older than the other two, but
+decorated more younger, if anything, than what they is. Introducing her
+to Mr. Dallas, Mr. Raynor says her name is Mrs. Gaylord but they all
+calls her Jerry. She's pretty near entirely out of eyebrows, but she has
+got more than a bushel of hair which is all kind of frozen-looking and
+curled up tight on her head. It don't look natural to me and I knows it
+ain't natural a little bit later when Mr. Raynor sets down on the arm of
+her chair and throws his arm around her sort of offhand and
+sociable-like, and she up and tells him for Heaven's sake to be careful
+and not muss her up because she says she's only just that day spent
+forty dollars and four hours getting a permanent wave put in.
+
+At that I says to myself, I says:
+
+"Well, betwixt w'ites an' blacks we su'ttinly is mekin' the world safe
+fur them beauty doctors. Niggers down South spendin' all the money they
+kin rake an' scrape togither gittin' the kinkiness tuck out of they
+haids an' fashionable ladies up yere spendin' their'n gittin' it put in!
+It's a compliment to one race or the other, but jest w'ich I ain't
+purpared to say."
+
+The other ladies is named Miss O'Brien and Miss DeWitt but it's kind of
+hard for me at first to remember which from which seeing that the rest
+of the party scarcely ever calls 'em anything except Pat and Bill-Lee.
+They is both mighty nice and friendly but they is exclusively different
+one from the other. Miss Pat she's got her hair chopped off short like a
+little boy's and she acts kind of like a boy does, too--free and easy
+and laughing a lot and smoking a cigarette so natural that it's like as
+if she must a-been born with one in her mouth and it lighted. And yet
+for all that, I seems to get the impression that way down underneath
+she's kind of tired of herself and everything around her.
+
+But this here Miss DeWitt she is tall and slender and kind of quiet. She
+must a-been feeling poorly lately because her face is just dead-white
+and her lips is still bright red from the fever and when she sets down
+in a chair she just seems to kind of fall back into it, all limp-like.
+She ain't saying much with her mouth but she does a sight of talking
+with her eyes which is big and black and sort of lazy-like most of the
+time. She sure is decked up with jewelry like the Queen of Sheba, too.
+She's got big heavy necklaces round her neck and great long ear-rings in
+her ears and many bracelets on both her arms. She's even got two big
+bracelets clamped round one of her ankles, which I judges she didn't
+have room for 'em nowheres else and so put 'em there to keep from losing
+'em; and when she moves the jewelry all jingles freely and advertises
+her. She walks with a kind of a limber swimming gait, soft and glideful;
+of course it ain't exactly like swimming and yet that's the only way I
+can designate what her walking puts me in mind of. She wears dead black
+clothes and that makes her paleness seem all the more so.
+
+Right from the first jump I can see that Mr. Dallas is drawed to her
+powerful, and I thinks to myself that if he's fixing to favor this here
+languid lady with his attentions it proves he's got a changeable taste
+because she ain't nothing at all similar to Miss Henrietta Farrell,
+which she is the one that he's been courting these past few months down
+in Kentucky. In fact, she's most teetotally unsimilar.
+
+This Mr. Bellows which came with Mr. Raynor he don't detain my attention
+much. If he wasn't there you wouldn't scarcely miss him; and when he is
+there you don't scarcely observe him. He makes me think of a neat
+haircut and nothing else. You just appreciate him being present and
+that's all. But I studies Mr. Raynor every chance I gets, the more
+especially because he's the one which is more or less responsible for us
+having come North. He's very cheering in his ways; laughing and
+whooping out loud at everything and poking fun and telling Mr. Dallas
+that he must be good friends with Mr. Bellows and the three ladies
+because they is all four of 'em his friends. But I takes note that when
+he laughs he don't laugh with his eyes but only with his mouth, and when
+he sort of smiles to himself, quiet-like, it puts me in mind of a man
+drawing a knife. I can't keep from having a kind of a feeling when I
+looks at him!
+
+Well, they imbibes up all the cocktails that I has waiting for them and
+a batch more which I makes by request and then they packs up a couple of
+bottles--one Scotch and one Bourbon--to take along with 'em for to
+refresh themselves with at the road-house and off they puts. And the
+last thing I hears as they goes down the hall is Mr. Raynor still
+laughing from off the top of his palates and the sickly one, Miss
+DeWitt's necklaces and things all jingling like a road-gang. Mr. Dallas
+he calls back to me from the elevator that I needn't wait up for him
+because it is liable to be pretty late when he gets in. But it's a good
+thing I does wait up, dozing off and on between times, because when he
+arrives back, along about half past three in the morning, he certainly
+does need my assistance getting his clothes off of him. Not since Dryness
+come in has I seen a young white gentleman more thoroughly overtaken than
+what he is. And we got a-plenty vigorous drinkers down our way, too! And
+always did have!
+
+So then I goes to bed myself and that's the end of our first day. And
+the following day, which it was yesterday, is the day I gets lost.
+
+Which I will tell about that, next.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[2] Note.--It is believed that Jeff meant "transient."
+
+
+
+
+Chapter IV
+
+_Harlem Heights_
+
+
+Well, in the morning I arranges a snack of nuturious breakfast on a tray
+and takes it in to Mr. Dallas. But he ain't craving nothing solid to
+eat. He's just craving to lay still and favor his headache. Soon as he
+opens his eyes he starts in groaning like he's done got far behind with
+his groaning and is striving for to catch up. And I knows he must a-felt
+powerful good last night to be feeling so bad this morning. Misery may
+love company, as some say it do, but I takes notice that very often she
+don't arrive till after the company is gone.
+
+He tells me to take them vittles out of his sight and fix him up about a
+gallon of good cold ice-water and set it alongside his bed in easy reach
+and then I can leave him be where he is and go on out for awhile and
+seek amusement looking at the sights and scenes of New York City. But
+when I gets to the door he calls out to me I better make it two gallons.
+Which I knows by that he ain't so far gone but what he still can joke.
+
+So I goes on out, just strolling along in a general direction, a-looking
+at this and admiring of that; and there certainly is a heap for to see
+and for to admire. The houses is so tall it seems like the sky is
+resting almost on the tops of 'em and it's mighty near the bluest sky
+and the clearest ever I seen. It makes you want to get up there and fly
+round in it. But down below in the street there ain't so very much
+brightness by reasons of the buildings being so high they cuts off the
+daylight somewhat. It's like walking through a hollow betwixt steep
+hills.
+
+People is stirring around every which-a-way, both on foot and in
+automobiles; and most of the automobiles is all shined up nice and clean
+like as if the owners was going to take part in an automobile parade in
+connection with the convention. Everybody is extensively well-dressed,
+too, but most all is wearing a kind of a brooding look like they had
+family troubles at home or something else to pester 'em. And they ain't
+stopping one another when they meets and saying ain't it a lovely
+morning and passing the time of day, like we does down home. Even some
+of them which comes out of the same house together just goes bulging on
+without a word to nobody, and I remarks to myself that a lot of the
+neighbors in this district must a-had a falling-out amongst themselves
+and quit speaking. The children on the sidewalk ain't playing much
+together, neither. Either they plays off by themselves or they just
+walks along with their keepers.
+
+And there is almost as many dogs as there is children, mostly small,
+fool-looking dogs; and the dogs is all got keepers, too, dragging 'em on
+chains and jerking 'em up sharp when they tries to linger and smell
+round for strange smells and confab with passing dogs. Near as I can
+make out, the dogs here ain't allowed to behave like regulation dogs,
+and the children mainly tries to act like as if they was already
+growed-up, and the growed-up ones has caught the prevailing glumness
+disease and I is approximately almost the only person in sight that's
+getting much enjoyment out of being in New York.
+
+All of a sudden I hears the dad-blamedest _blim-blamming_ behind me. I
+turns round quick and here comes the New York City paid fire department
+going to a fire. The biggest fire-engine ever I sees goes scooting by,
+tearing the road wide open and making a most awful racket. Right behind
+comes the hook-and-ladder wagon with the firemen hanging onto both sides
+of it, trying to stick fast and put their rubber coats on at the same
+time; and right behind it comes a big red automobile, _licketty-split_.
+Setting up alongside the driver of it is a gentleman in blue clothes and
+brass buttons, which he's got a big cigar clamped betwixt his teeth and
+looks highly important. But he ain't wearing a flannel shirt open at the
+throat, but has got his coat on and it buttoned up, so I assumes it
+can't be the chief of the department but probably must be the mayor. And
+in lessen no time they all has swung off into a side street, two
+squares away, with me taking out after 'em down the middle of the street
+fast as I can travel.
+
+Now, every town where I've been at heretofore to this, when the
+fire-bell rings everybody drops whatever they is doing and goes to the
+fire. Elsewhere from New York, enjoying fires is one of the main
+pleasures of people; but soon I is surprised to see that I'm pretty near
+the only person which is trailing along after the department. Whilst I'm
+still wondering over this circumstance, but still running also, a police
+grabs me by the arm and asks me where is I going in such a big hurry?
+
+I tells him I is going to the fire. And he says to me that I might as
+well slow up and save my breath because it's liable to be quite a long
+trip for me. I asks him how come, and he says the fire is probably three
+or four miles from here and maybe even considerable further than that.
+And I says to him, that must make it mighty inconvenient for all
+concerned, having the fires so far away from the engine-house. At that
+he sort of chuckles and tells me to be on my way, but to keep my eyes
+open and not let the cows nibble me. Well, as I says to myself going
+away from him, I may be green, but I is getting some enjoyment out of
+being here which is more'n I can say for some folks round these parts,
+judging by what I has seen up to this here present moment.
+
+So I meanders along, looking at this and that, and turning corners every
+once in awhile; and after a spell it comes to me that I has meandered
+myself into an exceedingly different neighborhood from the one I started
+out from. The houses is not so tall and is more or less rusty-looking;
+and there's a set of railroad tracks running through, built up on a high
+trestle; and whilst there has been a falling-off in dogs there has been
+an ample increase in children; the place just swarms with 'em. These
+here children is running loose all over the sidewalks and out in the
+streets, too, but it seems like to me they spends more time quarreling
+than what they does playing. Or maybe it sounds like quarreling because
+they has to hollow so loud on account of all the noises occurring round
+'em.
+
+I decides to go back, but the trouble is I don't rightly know which is
+the right way to turn. I've been sashaying about so, first to the right
+and then to the left, that I ain't got no more sense of direction than
+one of these here patent egg-beaters. So I rambles on, getting more and
+more bewilded-like all the time, till I comes to another police and I
+walks up to him and states my perdicterment to him very polite and tells
+him I needs help getting back to where I belongs at.
+
+He looks at me very strict, like he can't make up his mind whether he'd
+better run me in for vagromcy or let me go, and then he says, kind of
+short:
+
+"Make it snappy, then. Where d'ye live?"
+
+I tells him I has done forgot the name of the street, if indeed I ever
+heard it, but from the looks of it I judges it must be the chief
+resident street where the best families resides. I tells him we has just
+moved in there, Mr. Dallas Pulliam and me, and has started up
+housekeeping in the department-house which stands on the principal
+corner. I tells him it's the department-house where the inmates all
+lives in layers, one upon top of the other, like martins in a martin
+box.
+
+"You mean apartment-house," he says; "department store, but
+apartment-house. Well, what's the name of this apartment-house, then, if
+you can't remember the street?"
+
+That makes me scratch under my hat, too. 'Cause I pointedly doesn't know
+that neither.
+
+"Nummine the name, boss," I says, "jest you, please suh, tell me
+whar'bouts is the leadin' apartment-house of this yere city of Noo Yawk;
+that'll be it--the leadin'est one. 'Cause Mr. Dallas Pulliam he is
+accustom' to the best whar'ever he go."
+
+But he only acts like he's getting more and more impatient with me.
+
+"Describe it," he says, "describe it! There's one chance in a thousand
+that might help. What does it look like?"
+
+So I tells him what it looks like--how a little private road winds in
+and circles round a little place which is like a family-burying-ground,
+and about the hands downstairs at the front door all being from West
+Indiana, and about there being two elevators for the residenters and one
+more for the help, and about us having took over the Sublette family's
+outfit and all.
+
+"No use," he says, when I gets through, "that sounds just like most of
+the expensive ones." He starts walking off like he has done lost all
+interest in my case. Then he calls back to me over his shoulder:
+
+"I'll tell you what's the matter with you," he says; "you're lost."
+
+"Yas, suh," I says; "thanky, suh--tha's whut I been suspicionin' my own
+se'f," I says, "but I'm much oblige' you agrees wid me."
+
+Still, that ain't helping much, to find out this here police thinks the
+same way I does about it. Whilst I is lingering there wondering what I
+better do next, if anything, I sees a street-car go scooting by up at
+the next crossing, and I gets an idea. If street cars in New York is
+anything like they is at home, sooner or later they all turns into the
+main street and runs either past the City Hall or to the Union Depot. So
+I allows to myself that go on up yonder and climb aboard the next car
+which comes along and stay on her, no matter how far she goes, till she
+swings back off the branch onto the trunk-line, and watch out then, and
+when she goes past our corner drop off. Doing it that-a-way I figures
+that sooner or later I'm bound to fetch up back home again.
+
+Anyhow, the scheme is worth trying, 'specially as I can't seem to think
+of no better one. So I accordingly does so.
+
+But I ain't staying on that car so very long; not more than a mile at
+the most. The reason I gets off her so soon is this: All at once I
+observes that I is skirting through a district which is practically
+exclusively all colored. On every side I sees nothing but colored folks,
+both big and little. Seemingly, everything in sight is organized by and
+for my race--colored barber-shops, colored undertaking parlors, colored
+dentists' offices, colored doctors' offices. On one corner there is
+even a colored vaudeville theatre. And out in the middle of the streets
+stands a colored police. Excusing that the houses is different and the
+streets is wider, it's mighty near the same as being on Plunkett's Hill
+of a Saturday evening. I almost expects to see that there Aesop Loving
+loafing along all dressed up fit to kill; or maybe Red Hoss Shackleford
+setting in a door-way following after his regular business of resting,
+or old Pappy Exall, the pastor of Zion Chapel, rambling by, with that
+big stomach of his'n sticking out in front of him like two gallons of
+chitterlings wrapped up in a black gunny-sack. It certainly does fill me
+with the homesickness longings!
+
+And then a big black man on the pavement opens his mouth wide,
+nigger-like, and laughs at something till you can hear him half-a-mile,
+pretty near it; which it is the first sure-enough laugh I has heard
+since I hit New York. And right on top of that I catches the smell of
+fat meat frying somewheres.
+
+I just naturally can't stand it no longer. Anyhow, if I'm predestinated
+to be lost in New York City it's better I should be lost amongst my own
+kind, which talks my native language, rather than amongst plumb
+strangers. I give the conductor the high sign and I says to him, I says:
+
+"Cap'n, lemme off, befo' I jumps off!"
+
+So he rings the signalling bell and she stops and lets me off. And
+verily, before I has went hardly any distance at all, somebody hails me.
+I is wandering along, sort of miscellaneous, looking in the store
+windows and up at the tops of the buildings, when a brown-complected man
+steps up to me and sticks out his hand and he says:
+
+"Hello thar', Alfred Ricketts!--whut you doin' so fur 'way frum ole
+Lynchburg?"
+
+I says to him he must a-made a mistake. And he says:
+
+"Go on 'way, boy, an' quit yore foolin'! This is bound to be Alfred
+Ricketts 'at I uster know down in Lynchburg, Furginia. Leas'wise, ef
+'tain't him it's his duplicate twin brother."
+
+I tells him no, my name ain't Alfred Ricketts--it's Jeff Poindexter from
+Paducah, and I ain't never been in no place called Lynchburg in my whole
+life as I knows of.
+
+He looks at me a minute in a kind of an onbelieving way and then he says
+he begs my pardon, but his excuse is that I'm the exact spit-and-image
+of this here Alfred Ricketts, which he says he's done played with him
+many's the time, when they was both boys together. He says he ain't
+never in all his born days seen two fellows which they wasn't no kin to
+each other and yet looked so much similar as him and me does. He says
+the way we favors each other is absolutely unanimous. He asks me to tell
+him again what my name is and I does so, and then he says to me:
+
+"Whar'bouts you say you hails frum?"
+
+I says:
+
+"Paducah--tha's whar."
+
+He shakes his head kind of puzzled.
+
+"Paducah?" he says. "I ain't never heared tell of it. Whar is
+it--Tennessee or Arkansaw?"
+
+I pities his ignorance, but I tells him where Paducah is located at. It
+seems like the very sound of the name detains his curiosity. He just
+shoots the inquiring questions at me. He wants to know how big is
+Paducah and what is its main business, and what river is it on or close
+to, and what railroads run in there, and a lot more things. So, seeing
+he's a seeker after truth, I pumps him full. I tells him we not only is
+got one river at Paducah, we is got two; and I tells him about what
+railroads we've got running in; and about the big high water of 1913,
+and about the night-rider troubles some years before that. I tells him a
+heap else besides; mainly recent doings, such as Judge Priest having
+retired, and the Illinois Central having built up their shops to double
+size. Then he excuses himself some more and steps away pretty brisk, and
+goes into a colored billiard parlor, and I continues on my lonesome way.
+
+But inside of five minutes another fellow speaks to me, and by my own
+entitled name, too. Only, this one is a kind of a pale tallow-color with
+a lot of gold teeth showing and very sporty dressed. He comes busting up
+to me like he's overjoyed to see me, and says:
+
+"Hello, Jeff Poindexter--w'en did you git yere? You shore is a sight fur
+the sore eyes! How you leave ever'body down in ole Paduke? An' how does
+yore own copperosity seem to sagashuate?"
+
+All the time he's saying this he's clamping my hand very affectionate,
+like I was his long-lost brother or something. I tells him his manner is
+familiar, but that I can't place him. He acts surprised at
+that--surprised and sort of hurt-like. He asks me don't I remember
+George Harris from down home? I tells him the onlyest George Harris of
+color I remembers is an old man which he does janiting for the First
+National Bank. And he speaks up very prompt and says that's his uncle
+which he is named for him and used to live with him out by the Illinois
+Central shops. He says he really don't blame me so much for not placing
+him, because he left there it's going on eight or nine years ago just
+before the big high water; but he claims he used to meet me frequent,
+and says I ain't changed much from the time when I used to be working
+for Judge Priest. He says he's sure he'd a-recognized me if he'd a-met
+up with me in China, let alone it's New York. He says he's been living
+up North for quite a spell now, and is chief owner of a pants-pressing
+emporium down the street a piece, and has a fine trade and is doing
+well. And then, before I can get a stray word in edgeways, he goes on to
+speak of several important things which has happened down home of late.
+I breaks in and asks him how come he keeps such close track of events
+'way down there seeing he's been away so long; and he says he's just
+naturally so dog-gone fond of that town he subscribes regular for one of
+the local papers and reads it faithful and hence that's how come he
+keeps up so well with what's going on.
+
+"W'ich, speakin' of papers, 'minds me of somethin'," he says; "it 'minds
+me 'at on 'count of readin' the papers so stiddy I has a sweet streak
+of luck comin' to me this ver' day. I'd lak to tell you 'bout it,
+Poindexter?"
+
+"Perceed," I says, "perceed."
+
+"I'm goin' to," he says, "but s'posen' fust we gits in off this yere
+street an' sets down somewhars whar we kin be comfor'able an' not be
+interrupted. Trouble wid me is," he says, "I knows so dad-blame many
+people round yere, bein' prominent in business the way I is, 'at ef I
+stands still more'n a minute somebody is shore to be comin' up an'
+slappin' me on the back. Does you feel lak a light snack, Poindexter?"
+
+Well, it's getting to be close onto eleven o'clock now and I has not et
+nothing since breakfast except fifteen cents' worth of peanut candy, so
+I tells him I is agreeable. We goes into a restaurant run by, for and
+with colored, and we sets down by ourselves off at a little table and he
+insists that he's doing the paying-for on account of my being a boy from
+his old home-town, and he says for me to go the limit, ordering. So I
+calls for a bone sirloin and some fried potatoes and coffee and a mess
+of hot biscuits and a piece of mushmelon and one thing and another. It
+seems like, though, he ain't got much appetite himself. He takes just a
+cup of coffee, and whilst I is eating all of that provender of his
+generous providing, he tells me about this here streak of luck which has
+come his way.
+
+First off, he begins by asking me has I heard tell about the Colored
+Arabian Prince, which he is now staying in New York? I says no. He says
+then I will be hearing about him if I sojourns long, because the Colored
+Arabian Prince is the talk of one and all. He's stopping at the Palace
+Afro-American Hotel, and he's got more money than what he can spend, and
+he's going round the world studying how black folks lives in every
+clime, and he's got thousands and thousands of dollars worth of jewelry
+which he wears constant. But the piece of jewelry which he prizes as the
+most precious of all, he lost it only yesterday; which it is a solid
+gold pin shaped like a four-leaf clover with a genuine real Arabian ruby
+set in the middle of it. This here gold-tooth boy he tells me this
+while I is sauntering through the steak. And I can tell from the way he
+says it that he's leading up to something.
+
+"Yas-suh," he says, "yistiddy is w'en he lose it. An' this mornin' he's
+got a advertisement notice inserted in the cullid newspapers sayin' ez
+how he stan' ready an' willin' to pay fifty dollars fur its return to
+the hotel whar he is stoppin' at, an' no questions asted. An' yere 'bout
+half-an-hour befo' I runs into you, I'm walkin' 'long the street right
+up yere a lil' ways, an' I sees somethin' shiny layin' in the gutter an'
+I stoops down an' picks it up, an' ef it ain't the Cullid Arabian
+Prince's four-leaf clover pin, dog-gone me! An' yere it is, safe an'
+sound."
+
+And with that he reach in his pocket and pull it out and let me look at
+it a brief second. And I says to him that I don't begrudge him his good
+luck none, only I wishes it might a-been me which had found it, because
+fifty dollars would come in mighty handy. Then I says to him, I says:
+
+"I s'pose you is now on yore way to hand him back his belongin' an'
+claim the reward?"
+
+But he shakes his head kind of dubiousome.
+
+"I tell you how 'tis, Poindexter," he says. "To begin wid, an' speakin'
+in confidences ez one ole-time frien' to 'nother, I prob'ly is the
+onlyest pusson in this yere city of Noo Yawk w'ich the Cullid Arabian
+Prince might mek trouble fur me ef I wuz the one w'ich come bringin' him
+back his lost pin. Ever since he's been yere he's been sendin' his
+clothes over to my 'stablishment, w'ich it is right round the corner
+frum the Palace Afro-American Hotel, to be pressed. An' ef I should turn
+up now wid this yere pin he'd most likely ez not claim 'at I found it
+stuck in one of his coat lapels an' taken it out an' kep' it. An' the
+chances is he'd not only refuse fur to pay over the reward, but
+furthermo' might raise a rookus an' cast a shadder on my good name w'ich
+it su'ttinly would hurt my perfessional reppitation fur a Cullid Arabian
+Prince to be low-ratin' me at-a-way. He's lak so many wealthy pussons
+is--he's suspicious in his mind. So I don't keer to take no chances,
+much ez I craves to feel them fifty dollars warmin' in the pa'm of my
+hand. But ef a pusson w'ich wuz a puffec' stranger to him wuz to fetch
+the pin in an' say he wuz walkin' 'long an' seen it shinin' an' picked
+it up, he'd jes' hand the reward right over widout a mumblin' word."
+
+"Yas," I says, "tha's so, I reckin."
+
+"'Tain't no manner of doubt but whut hit's so," he says. "Poindexter,"
+he says, brisker-like, "I got an idee--it jest this yere secont come to
+me: Whut's the reason w'y you can't be the ordained stranger w'ich teks
+the pin back to him? You does so an' I'll low you ten dollars out of the
+fifty fur yore time an' trouble. Whut say?"
+
+I studies a minute and then I says I is sociable to the notion. He says
+he'll go along with me and point out to me the hotel where the Colored
+Arabian Prince is stopping at and then tarry outside until I gets back
+to him with the money. I says I'll go just as soon as I has et another
+piece of mushmelon, which the first piece certainly was very tasty. So
+he waits until I has done so and then he pays the check, which comes to
+one-eighty for me and ten cents for him, and we gets up to start forth.
+But just as we gets to the door, going out, he takes a look at a clock
+on the wall and he says:
+
+"I can't go 'long wid you--you'll have to go by yo'se'f."
+
+I says:
+
+"Whyfore you can't go?"
+
+He says:
+
+"I jes' this minute remembers 'at I got to ketch the 'leven-forty-two
+fur Hartford, Connecticut, whar I is gittin' ready to open up a branch
+'stablishment--tha's whyfore. I been enjoyin' talkin' wid somebody frum
+my own dear state so much 'at I lets the time slip by unbeknownst an'
+now I jes' about kin git abo'de the train at the up-town station ef I
+hurries." He scratches his head. "Lemme see," he says, "whut-all is we
+goin' do 'bout 'at now?" Then it seems like he scratches an idea loose.
+"I got it," he says. "Mainly on 'count of my bein' in sech a rush, an'
+you bein' frum my home-town, I'm goin' mek you a heap sweeter
+proposition 'en de one w'ich I already has made. I'm goin' halfen this
+yere reward wid you; 'at's whut I'm goin' do. Yere's the plan: You jes'
+hands me over twenty-five dollars now fur my sheer an' 'en you keeps the
+ontire fifty w'ich he'll pay you. See? I knows I is a fool to be doin'
+it, but gittin' to Hartford on time today 'll mean a heap mo' to me in
+the long run 'en whut de diff'unce in the money would. How 'bout it, ole
+boy?"
+
+I says to him that it listens all right to me, and I'd give him the
+twenty-five in a minute, only I ain't got it with me. When I says that
+his face falls so far his under-jaw mighty near grazes the ground, and
+then he says:
+
+"Well, how much is you got? Is you got twenty--or even fifteen?"
+
+I says I ain't got nothing on me in the way of ready cash, only carfare.
+But I says I is got something on me that's worth a heap more than
+twenty-five dollars.
+
+And he says:
+
+"Whut is it?"
+
+I says:
+
+"It's this yere solid gold watch," I says. And I hauls it out and waves
+it before his eyes. "It's wuth fully forty dollars," I says, "but I
+ain't needin' it on 'count of havin' a still mo' handsomer one in my
+trunk, w'ich it wuz give to me by a committee of the w'ite folks two
+yeahs ago fur savin' a lil' w'ite boy from drowndin' off the upper
+wharf-boat. You tek the watch an' give me, say ten dollars boot," I
+says, "an' I'll collect the reward an' thar'by both of us 'll be mekin'
+money," I says; "'cause you kin sell the watch anywhars fur not lessen
+forty dollars. I done been offered 'at fur it befo' now."
+
+He studies a minute and then he says that whilst he ain't doubting my
+word about the watch being worth that much money, still, business is
+business, and before he consents we'll have to take it to a
+jewelry-store half-a-square down the street and have it valued.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Tha's suitable to me, but," I says, "I thought you wuz in a sweat to
+ketch a train?"
+
+"I'll tek the time," he says. "I kin hurry an' mek it. Come to think of
+it," he says, "'at train don't leave the up-town station 'twell
+'leven-fifty-fo'. 'Leven-forty-two is w'en she leaves frum down-town."
+
+"I'm glad to hear it," I says, "'cause w'en the jewelry-store man has
+got th'ough 'zaminin' my watch we kin ast him to look at the pin, too,
+an' tell us ef it's the genuwine article. It mout possibly be," I says,
+"'at they wuz two of these yere clover-leaf pins floatin' round loose
+an' one of 'em a imitation. By havin' it 'zamined 'long wid my watch, we
+both plays safe."
+
+He stops right dead in his tracks.
+
+"Look yere, Poindexter," he says, "whut's the use of all 'is yere
+projectin' round an' wastin' of time? You trusts me," he says, "an' I
+trusts you--tha's fair. Yere, boy, you teks the pin an' collects the
+reward. I teks the watch an' sells it fur whut I kin git fur it. Le's
+close the deal 'cause I p'intedly is got to hurry frum yere."
+
+"Hole on!" I says. "How 'bout my ten dollars boot?"
+
+"I'll mek it five," he says.
+
+"Gimme the five," I says.
+
+So he counts out five ones and yells something to me about the Palace
+Afro-American Hotel being straight down the street about half-a-mile, on
+the left-hand side, and in another second he's gone from view round the
+nearest corner.
+
+But I does not go to look for no Afro-American Hotel, nor yet for no
+Colored Arabian Prince, neither. Something seems to warn me 'twould only
+be a waste of time, so instead of which, as I steps along, I figures out
+where I stands in the swap. And it comes to this: I is in to the extent
+of five dollars in cash, also one dollar and eighty cents' worth of
+nourishing vittles, and a clover-leaf pin, which it must be worth all of
+seventy-five cents unless the price of brass has took a big fall.
+
+I is out to the extent of telling one lie about saving a little boy from
+drowning and also one old imitation-gold watchcase without any
+mechanical works in it. Likewise and furthermore, I can imagine the look
+on that gold-tooth nigger's face when he gets time to take a good look
+at what he's traded for, and that alone I values at fully two dollars
+more in private satisfaction to J. Poindexter. So, taking one thing and
+another, getting lost has been worth pretty close on to ten dollars,
+besides which it has taught me the lesson that when a trusting stranger
+goes forth in the Great City he's liable to fall amongst thieves, but if
+only he stays honest himself and keeps his eye skinned, he cannot
+possibly suffer no harm at the hands of the wicked deceiver.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+_Local Colored_
+
+
+It seems like having dealings with designing persons of my own color
+must've made my mind act more keen. All at once I remembers that I seen
+the name of our apartment-house carved on a big square tombstone over
+the front door, and it comes to me that the same's name has got
+something to do with grist-mills and something to do with lawsuits. I
+studies and studies and then, like a flash, I gets it:
+
+Wheatley Court.
+
+With this much to work on, the rest is plenty easy. A man in a drugstore
+consults in a telephone book and gives me the full specifications for
+getting back to where I has strayed from, which it turns out it is fully
+three miles away from there in a southeast direction. But I buys an
+ice-cream soda and a pack of chewing-gum before I asks the drugstore
+man for his friendly aid. Already I has took note of the fact that most
+of the folks in New York acts like they hates to answer your questions
+without you has done 'em some kind of a favor first. So I places this
+man under obligations to me by trading with him and then he's willing to
+help me. That is, he's willing, but he ain't right crazy with joy over
+the idea of it. If I'd a-bought two ice-cream sodas I think probably
+he's a-moved more brisk-like. Still, he does it. So, inside of an hour
+more, what with riding part of the ways on street-cars and walking the
+rest, I is home again and glad to be there.
+
+Even so, my being gone so long ain't put nobody out, because Mr. Dallas
+is yet in bed, but is now thinking seriously about getting up. He
+complains of feeling slightly better than what he did awhile back.
+Still, he ain't got so very much appetite. Orange juice and black coffee
+seems ample to satisfy his desires; he also continues to remain very
+partial to the ice-water. He says he must hurry up and dress and get
+outdoors because he's got an engagement to go with one of the ladies
+which he met the night before and look at a little car which she's
+thinking about buying it, but wants to get his expert opinion on it
+first. He don't specify her name, but I guesses it's the puny one of the
+two--this here Miss Bill-Lee DeWitt.
+
+Whilst I is laying out his clothes for him to put on he calls out to me
+from the bathroom that I will doubtless be interested to know that we'll
+be staying on in New York permanent. I asks him how come, and he says
+he's passed his word to go in partners with this here Mr. H. C. Raynor
+selling oil-properties.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, but it sho' does look lak to me we is movin'
+powerful fast. Only yistiddy we gits yere, an' today we is fixin' to
+bust into bus'ness. Tha's travelin'!"
+
+He says you have to move fast in New York if you don't want to get run
+over and trompled on and I says that certainly is the Gospel truth. And
+he says when you meets up with an attractive proposition up here in
+this country you is just naturally obliged to grab holt of it quick or
+else somebody else 'll be beating you to it. I feels myself bound to
+agree with that, too; and then he goes on shaving himself and abusing of
+his skin for being so tender.
+
+I ponders a spell and then I asks him, sort of casual and
+accidental-like, when was it that Mr. Raynor displayed this here
+desirable business notion to him and he give his promise for to enter
+into it?
+
+"Oh," he says, "it was late last night--after we started back from the
+road-house. He's going to let me have a full half interest," he says.
+
+I don't say nothing out loud to that. But I casts my rolling eyes up to
+the ceiling and I says in low tones to myself, I says: "_Uh_ huh, uh
+_huh_!" just like that.
+
+That's all I says. And I makes sure he ain't overhearing me, but all the
+time I'm doing considerable thinking. I'm thinking that, excusing one of
+'em is white folks and the other is mulatto-complected and excusing that
+one has got decorated teeth and the other one just plain teeth, there's
+something mighty similar someway betwixt this here Mr. Raynor and that
+there colored imposer, which he called himself George Harris. I can't
+make up my mind whether it's their expressions or the way they looks at
+you out of their eyes, or the engaging way they both has of being so
+generous-like on short notice. But it pointedly must be something or
+other, because when I broods about one I can't keep from brooding about
+the other.
+
+But, naturally, I keeps all that to myself. After Mr. Dallas has done
+gone out I fixes myself up something solid to eat and then, along about
+three o'clock I drifts downstairs and engages in friendly conversation
+with two of them West Indian boys. Before very long the subject of the
+educated bones gets introduced into the talk someway, and it so happens
+I has a set in my pocket and I gets 'em out and sort of cuddles 'em in
+my hand and rattles 'em gentle; and one of the two boys feels persuaded
+to suggest that, seeing as the work ain't pressing, us three might
+ramble on back into a little kind of a store-room back of the main hall
+downstairs and make a few passes just to keep the time from hanging
+heavy on our hands.
+
+Now, privately I has always contended that craps-dice is meant for home
+folks only. These here foreigners should not never toy with 'em if they
+expects to get ahead in the world. So the entertainment turns out just
+like I expected 'twould. When fifteen minutes, or maybe twenty, has gone
+by very pleasantly there is not no reason why I should linger with 'em,
+and I piroots back on upstairs taking along with me twenty-two dollars
+and fifty cents of strange money to get acquainted with the spare change
+in my pants pocket and leaving them two West Indian delegates holding a
+grand lodge of sorrow betwixt themselves.
+
+So that is all of undue importance which happens on our second day.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+_Gold Coast_
+
+
+Time certainly does flitter by here in little old New York, as I has now
+taken to calling it. Here it has been nearly six weeks since last I done
+any authorizing, and a whole heap of things has come to pass since then;
+yet, when I looks back at it, it seems like 'twas only yesterday when
+last I held my pen in hand.
+
+Also in that time I has learned much. When I reflects back on how
+sorghum-green I was when we landed here off the steam-cars, I actually
+feels right sorry for myself--not knowing what a road-house was, and
+figuring that when somebody mentioned sub-let apartments they was
+describing the name of a family, and getting lost in Harlem the first
+time I went forth rambling, and all them other fool things which I done
+and said at the outsetting of our experiences! No longer ago than last
+evening I was saying to some of the fellow-members up at the Pastime
+Colored Pleasure and Recreation Club, on One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth
+street, that it's a born wonder they didn't throw a loop over me and
+cart me off to the idiotic asylum for safety keeping till the newness
+had done wore off.
+
+I must also say for Mr. Dallas that he's progressed very rapid, too. And
+likewise the new business must be paying him powerful well right from
+the go-off, because we certainly is rolled up in the lap-robes of luxury
+and living off the top skimmings of the cream.
+
+Before we has been here a week I notices there's a change taking place
+in Mr. Dallas. He's beginning to get dissatisfied with things as they is
+and craving after things as they ain't. Near as I can figure it out,
+he's caught a kind of restlessness disease which it appears to afflict
+everybody up in these parts, one way or another. It seems like to me,
+though, he must a-taken it early and in a violent form.
+
+The first symptoms is when he fetches in one of these here little
+slick-headed Japanee boys to do the cooking and et cetera, so's I can
+wait on him more exclusively. Anyway, that's the reason which he assigns
+to me, but all the same I retains my own personal views on the matter.
+We don't need no extra hands to help run our establishment no more'n we
+needs water in our shoes, and my onspoken opinion is that Mr. Dallas
+thinks maybe the place look more high-tonish by having an imported
+strange foreigner fussing round. Privately, I don't lose no time
+designating to this here Koga, which is the slick-headed boy's name,
+where he gets off so far as I is concerned. No sooner does he arrive in
+amongst our midst than I tolls him back into the far end of the butler's
+pantry and I says to him, I says:
+
+"Yaller kid, lis'sen: I ain't 'sponsible fur yore comin' yere, but jest
+so shorely ez you starts messin' in my bus'ness I'm goin' be 'sponsible
+fur yore everlastin' departure. You 'tends to yore wu'k an' I 'tends to
+mine an' tharby we gits along harmonious. But one sign of meddlin' frum
+you an' I'll jest reach back yere to my flank pocket whar I totes me a
+hosstile razor an' 'en you better pick out w'ich one of these yere
+winders you perfurs to jump out of."
+
+He just sort of grins at that and sucks some loose air in betwixt his
+front teeth.
+
+"Tha's right," I says, "save up yore breathin', 'cause ef I teks after
+you you'll shore require to have plenty of it on hand fur pu'pposes of
+fast travelin'. Chile," I says, "you's had yore warnin'--so harken an'
+give heed or else you'll find yo'se'f carved up so fine they'll have to
+fune'lize you on the 'stallment plan. Mr. Dallas he may be the big
+boss," I says, "but you lakwise better pay a heap of 'tention to the
+fust assistant deputy sub-boss w'ich I'm," I says, "him."
+
+Saying thus I gives him a savigrous look backward over my shoulder and
+walks away stepping kind of light on my feet like a cat fixing for to
+pounce. He ain't saying a word; he's just standing there reserving some
+more breath.
+
+Of course I ain't really aiming to start no race war. Always it has been
+my constant aim to keep out of rough jams with one and all but, even
+so, I figures that it's just as well to get the jump on that there
+Japanee human-siphon and render him tame and docile from the beginning.
+
+Next thing is that Mr. Dallas begins faulting the clothes he brought
+along with him from home. He says to me they appeared all right when he
+was having 'em made to order for him by M. Marcus & Son, corner of Third
+and Kentucky Avenue, which that is our leading merchant-tailor, but he
+can see now that they ain't got the real New York snap to 'em. And the
+ensuing word is that one of them swell Fifth Avenue shops is making him
+a full new outfit. Well, I must admit that suits me from the ground up;
+it's a sign to me I'm about to inherit.
+
+And the next thing is that he invests in several cases of fancy
+drinkings which a bootlegging white man fetches it up to us under cover
+of the darkness. I sees Mr. Dallas counting out the money for to pay
+him, and it certainly amounts to an important sum. I ain't questioning
+the wisdom of this step neither, seeking that the stock we fetched
+along with us from the South is vanishing very brisk, and the new supply
+ought to last me and him for no telling how long, if we both is careful.
+
+The trouble with Mr. Dallas, though, is he ain't careful. Scarcely a day
+passes without some of his new-made Northern friends dropping in on him
+and sopping up highballs and cocktails and this and that. That there Mr.
+Bellows is one of our most earnest customers. He'll set down empty
+alongside a full bottle and stay right there till the emptiness and the
+fullness has done changed places. Also, when it comes to liberal
+consuming of somebody else's liquor, Mr. H. C. Raynor has his ondoubted
+merits. And when Mr. Dallas gives a party, which he does frequent and
+often, the wines and such just flows like manna from the rod of Jonah.
+Still, that ain't pestering me much. When white folks lives high in the
+front parlor niggers gets fat back in the kitchen.
+
+Then on top of all this he buys himself an automobile and hires a white
+chauffeur for to run her. She's one of these here low-cut,
+high-powerful cars which when you wants to go somewheres in a hurry you
+just steps on her and--_b-z-z-z_--you is done arrived! But she's plenty
+costive to run. Every time she takes a deep breath there's another
+half-gallon of gasoline gone. If the truth must be known, Mr. Dallas has
+not only bought one car; he's bought two. But we don't see the second
+one, which is a dark blue runabout, only when Miss Bill-Lee comes round,
+because it seems Mr. Dallas has loaned it out to her for her own use,
+him paying the garage bills. Betwixt themselves they speaks of it as a
+loan, but I thinks to myself that this probably is predestinated to be
+one of the most permanent loans in the history of the entire loaning
+business.
+
+So it goes. Every day, pretty near it, delivery boys comes knocking at
+the service door bringing this and that for Mr. Dallas. If it ain't half
+a dozen fresh pairs of shoes it's a sack-full of these here golf
+utensils or some new silk pyjamas; and if it ain't another motoring coat
+or an elaborous smoking jacket, it's a set of silver-topped brushes and
+combs and bottles and things for his toilet table, with his initials cut
+on 'em. It seems like he must stop in somewheres every morning on his
+way down-town to business and buy himself something. So I judges the
+money must be coming in mighty brisk at the bung-hole, because it
+certainly is pouring out mighty steady from the spigots.
+
+It also must be a powerful handy and convenient business to be in, for
+not only does it appear to pay so well, but it practically almost runs
+itself. Often Mr. Dallas ain't starting down-town till the morning is
+'most gone, and sometimes he gets back home as early as four o'clock in
+the evening. Come Saturday, he don't go near the headquarters at all.
+That astonishes me deeply, because down home on a Saturday the stores
+all stays open till late at night on account of the country people
+coming into town and the hands at the tobacco warehouses and the
+factories and all being paid off, and the niggers being out doing their
+trading. Especially the niggers. You take the average one of 'em, and
+if he can't spend all he's got on Saturday night, it practically spoils
+his Sunday for him. He ain't aiming to waste none of his money, saving
+it. So, with us, Saturday is the busiest day in the week. But seemingly
+not so in this locality.
+
+In fact, so far as I observes to date, the folks up here has got a
+special separate system of their own for doing pretty near everything.
+More times than one enduring this past month I has said to myself that
+there certainly is a big difference betwixt Paducah and New York City.
+You don't notice it so much in Paducah, but, lawsy, how it does prone
+into you when you gets to New York!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+_Country Side_
+
+
+For instances, now, take this here Saturday last past. Down home Mr.
+Dallas would a-been down to that there oil-office of his bright and
+early shaking hands with the paying customers and helping boss the
+clerks whilst they drawed off the oil, and all. But nothing like that
+don't happen here with us--no sir, not none whatsomever. He lays in bed
+until it's going on pretty near ten o'clock and then he gets up and I
+packs him, and along about dinner-time, which they calls it lunch-time
+round this town, we puts out in the car to the country for a week-end.
+Only, for the amount of baggage we totes with us you'd a-thought it was
+going to be a month-end. I'm tooken along to look after his clothes and
+to do general valetting for him.
+
+We takes Mr. Raynor and Mr. Bellows and the permanent-wavy lady, Mrs.
+Gaylord, along with us. Miss DeWitt and Miss O'Brien is also headed for
+the same place we is, but they comes in the blue runabout traveling
+close behind us. By now, I has done learned not to expect Mrs. Gaylord
+to bring a husband with her. It seems like she can get 'em, but she
+can't keep 'em. She's been married three times in all; but from what I
+can hear, her first husband hauled off and died on her and the second
+one kind of strayed off and never come back. I ain't heard 'em say what
+happened to the present incumbent but since he ain't never been
+produced, I judge he must've got mislaid someway, so now she's
+practically all out of husbands again. Still, she seems to be bearing up
+very serene at all times. If she misses 'em she don't let on.
+
+Well, we loads up the car with the white folks, and with valises and
+golf-sacks and one thing and another and starts for the country. But I
+must say for it that it's totally unsimilar to any country like what I
+has been used to heretofore. The front yards which we passes all looks
+like the owners must take 'em in at nights and in the mornings brush
+'em off good and put 'em back outdoors again; and most of the residences
+is a suitable size to make good high-school buildings or else
+feeble-mind institutes, and even the woodlots has a slicked-up
+appearance like as if they'd just come back that same day from the
+dry-cleaner's. In more'n an hour's steady travel I don't see a single
+rail fence nor a regulation weed-patch nor a lye kettle nor an
+ash-hopper nor a corn-crib nor a martin-box nor a hound-dog nor a
+smoke-house nor scarcely anything which would signify it to be
+sure-enough country. I thinks to myself that if a cotton-tail rabbit was
+aiming to camp out here he'd naturally be obliged to pack his bedding
+along with him.
+
+When we arrives where we is headed for I is still further surprised
+because, beforehand, Mr. Dallas tells me we is going to stop at a
+country-place, but it looks to me more like a city-hall which has done
+strayed far off from its functions and took root in a big clump of trees
+alongside the river. Why, it's got more rooms in it than our new county
+infirmary's got and grounds around it all beautiful like a cemetery. It
+belongs to a very spry-acting lady named Mrs. Banister, which she is a
+friend of Mrs. Gaylord's. There's a Mr. Banister, too, but as far as I
+can judge, the lady is the sole proprietor and his job is just being
+Mrs. Banister's Mr. and helping with the drinks when the butler is busy
+doing something else. I hears the cook saying out in the kitchen that he
+can also mix a very tasty salad-dressing. Well, that's what he looks
+like to me, just a natural-born salad-dressing mixer.
+
+But we don't arrive there until it's getting towards four o'clock by
+reason of us stopping for quite a sojourn at a tea-house along the road.
+Leastwise, they calls it a tea-house, but its principalest functions, so
+far as I can note, is to provide accommodations for folks to dance and
+to drink up the refreshments which they've fetched along with 'em in
+pocket flasks; and you might call that tea if you prefers to, but it's
+the kind of tea which now sells by the case for cash down and is
+delivered at your house after dark.
+
+That's mainly what our outfit does there--dance and refresh themselves
+with what the gentlemen brought along on their hips. From where I'm
+setting in the car outside I can see 'em weaving in and out amongst the
+tables whilst a string-band plays jazzing tunes for 'em to dance by. But
+Mr. Dallas don't appear to be getting the hang of it so very well and
+the chauffeur, who's setting there with me, he allows probably the boss
+ain't caught on to these here new dances yet.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Huh! Does you call 'at a new dance?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Sure--the newest one of 'em all. That's the Reitzenburger Grapple--it's
+just hit town."
+
+And I says:
+
+"Then it shore must a-been a long time on the road, gittin' yere; 'cause
+niggers down my way," I says, "wuz dancin' 'at air dance fully ten yeahs
+ago--only they done so behind closed doors," I says, "bein' 'feared the
+police mout claim disawd'ly conduct an' stop 'em frum it."
+
+He says:
+
+"Did you ever dance it?"
+
+I says to him:
+
+"Who, me? Many's a time. But not lately," I says.
+
+"What made you stop?" he says.
+
+"I got religion," I says.
+
+There was also considerable careless dancing done at the Banister place
+that night and early the following morning. In fact, there was
+considerable of a good many things done there that Saturday and
+Sunday--tennis and golf and horseback-riding and billiards and pool and
+going in swimming in a private lake on the premises and playing a card
+game which they calls it auction-bridge, and eating and drinking and
+smoking. Everybody is so busy all day changing clothes for the next
+event they ain't got very much time for the thing that's on at the time
+being. But when the night-time comes the ladies strips down to
+full-dress and all hands just settles in for the three favorite sports,
+which is dancing and cards and drinks, both long and short. I has seen
+thirsty gentlemen before in my day but to the best of my recollection I
+ain't never encountered no ladies that seemed so parched-like as one or
+two of these here ladies was. I'm thinking in particular of Mrs.
+Gaylord. She certainly is suffering from a severe attack of the genuine
+parchments. But I'll say this much for her--she's doing her level best
+to get shut of it by taking the ordained treatment. That Saturday
+evening whilst I is upstairs in Mr. Dallas' room laying out his
+dress-clothes, the guests, about a dozen of 'em is out in the front yard
+setting round little tables where I can see 'em from the window, and
+every time I passes the window and looks out it seems like she's being
+served with a little bit more. She carries it just beautiful, though;
+she certainly has my deep personal admirations for her capacity. But
+next day when she comes down stairs she acts dauncy and low-spirited for
+awhile. She's got on a fresh complexion, to be sure, but even so she
+looks sort of weather-beaten 'round the eyes. You take 'em when they is
+either prematurely old or else permanently young and the morning is
+always the most tellingest time on 'em. Well, several of those present
+ain't feeling the best in the world, seemingly, that Sunday when they
+strolls forth for late breakfast 'long about half past eleven. It was
+after three o'clock before they dispersed and some of 'em ain't entirely
+got over it yet--they is still kind of dispersed-looking, if you gets my
+meaning.
+
+Well, all day Sunday is just like Saturday evening was, only if
+anything, more so; and late Sunday night the party busts up and scatters
+and we starts back to town. Mr. Dallas he elects for to ride back in the
+runabout with Miss Bill-Lee so that throws Miss O'Brien, the one which
+they calls Pat for short, into the big car with the rest of our crowd.
+Starting off she quarrels right peart with Mrs. Gaylord. I gathers that
+they was partners at the bridging game part of the time and they can't
+get reconciled with one another over the way each one of 'em handled her
+cards. The more they scandalizes about it the more onreconciled they
+gets, too. It seems like each one thinks the other don't scarcely know
+how to deal, let alone play the hands after she gets 'em. Setting there
+listening to 'em carrying on I thinks to myself these here Northern
+white folks must hate to lose even a little bit of money. I knows these
+two ladies couldn't a-lost much neither--I heard Mr. Raynor saying
+beforehand they was going to play five cents a point. But to overhear
+'em debating now, you'd a-thought it had been a real stiff game, like
+dollar-limit poker, say, or set-back at six bits a corner.
+
+After awhile Miss Pat she quits argufying and drops off to sleep and Mr.
+Bellows he likewise drifts off into a doze and that leaves Mrs. Gaylord
+and Mr. Raynor talking together in the back seat kind of confidential.
+But the hood of the car being over 'em it seems like it throws their
+voices forward, and setting up with the chauffeur I can't keep from
+eavesdropping on part of what they is confabbing about.
+
+Presently I hears Mr. Raynor saying:
+
+"Well, you never can guess in advance what a sap will like, can you? You
+would have thought he'd fall for a kiddo with a good, strong up-to-date
+tomboy line, like little Patsy here. But no--not at all! He takes one
+look into those languishing eyes of our other friend and goes down and
+out for the count. Funny--eh, what? Well, it only goes to show that
+while the vamp stuff is getting a trifle old-fashioned it still pays
+dividends--if only you pick the right customer."
+
+Then I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying:
+
+"Her system may be a bit _passe_ but you can't say she doesn't work fast
+once she gets under way. Clever, I call it."
+
+"Clever?" he says, "you bet! She works fast and she works clean, tidying
+up as she goes along and burying her own dead. I always did say for her
+that when it came to being a gold-digger she had the original
+Forty-niners looking like inmates of the Bide-a-Wee Home. Fast? I'll say
+so!"
+
+"She has need to be fast, working opposition to you, Herby, dear," says
+Mrs. Gaylord. "Speaking of expert blood-suckers, I shouldn't exactly
+call you a vegetarian."
+
+"Hush, honey," he says, "let's not talk shop out of business hours. And
+anyhow," he says, "I don't mind a little healthy competition on the
+side. It stimulates trade under the main tent--if it's done in
+moderation."
+
+"You should know, Herby," she says sort of laughing; "with your
+experience you should know if anybody does."
+
+Then he laughs, too, a kind of a low and meaning chuckle, and they goes
+to talking about something else.
+
+But I has done heard enough to set me to studying mighty earnest.
+Neither one of 'em ain't specifying who they means by "he" and "she" but
+I can guess. Once more I says to myself, I says:
+
+"_Uh huh, uh huh!_"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+_Dark Secrets_
+
+
+Some of the folks which has been following our experiences, as I has
+wrote them down, might think it was my bounden duty to go straight-away
+to Mr. Dallas and promulgate to him these here remarks which I hears
+pass betwixt Mr. H. C. Raynor and the permanent-wavy lady on that Sunday
+night six weeks ago, coming back from our week-end in the country. But I
+does not by no means see my way clear to doing so. In the first place, I
+ain't never been what you might call a professional promulgator. In the
+second place, I figures the time ain't ripe to start in telling what I
+believes and what I suspicions. In the third place, I don't know yet if
+it ever will be ripe.
+
+Some white folks, seems like, is just naturally beset with a craving to
+bust into colored folkses' business and try for to run their personal
+affairs for 'em. Mr. Dallas, he is not gaited that way in no particular
+whatsoever; him having been born and raised South and naturally knowing
+better anyhow; but some I might mention is. Still, and even so, most
+white folks don't care deeply for anybody at all, much less it's
+somebody which is colored, to be telling 'em onpleasant and onwelcome
+tidings. And he is white and I is black--and there you is!
+
+Another way I looks at it is this way: There's a whole heap of white
+folks, mainly Northerners, which thinks that because us black folks
+talks loud and laughs a-plenty in public that we ain't got no secret
+feelings of our own; they thinks we is ready and willing at all times to
+just blab all we knows into the first white ear that passes by. Which I
+reckon that is one of the most monstrous mistakes in natural history
+that ever was. You take a black boy which he working for a white family.
+Being on close relations that-a-way with 'em he's bound to know
+everything they does--what they is thinking about, what-all they hopes
+and what-all they fears. But does they, for their part, know anything
+about how he acts amongst his own race? I'll say contrary! They maybe
+might think they knows but you take it from J. Poindexter they
+positively does not do nothing of the kind. All what they gleans about
+him--his real inside emotions, I means--is exactly what he's willing for
+'em to glean; that and no more. And usually that ain't so much.
+
+Yes sir, the run of colored folks is much more secretious than what the
+run of the white folks give 'em credit for. I reckon they has been made
+so. In times past they has met up with so many white folks which taken
+the view that everything black men and black women done in their lodges
+or their churches or amongst their own color was something to joke about
+and poke fun at. Now, you take me. I is perfectly willing to laugh with
+the white folks and I can laugh to order for 'em, if the occasion
+appears suitable, but I is not filled up with no deep yearnings to have
+'em laughing at me and my private doings. 'Specially if it's strange
+white folks.
+
+Furthermore there's this about it: I've taken due notice that, whites
+and blacks alike, pretty near anybody will resent your coming to 'em on
+your own say-so and telling 'em right out of a clear sky that they is
+making a grievous big mistake in doing this or that. If they themselves
+takes the lead--if they seeks you out of their own accord and says to
+you, confidential-like, they is in a peck of trouble and craves to know
+how they is going to get out from under the load--why, that's different.
+Then you can step in, in friendship's name, and do your best to help 'em
+unravel the tangle which they has got themselves snarled up in it. If
+you asks me, I would say that advice gets a heap warmer welcome where
+you goes hunting for it than where it comes hunting for you. And,
+likewise, sympathy is something which you appreciates all the more if
+you went out shopping for it yourself. You don't want it to come
+knocking at the door like one of these here old peddlers taking orders
+for enlarging crayon portraits and forcing its way right into your
+fireside circle whether or no, and camping there in your lap.
+
+Moreover, speaking in particular of our own case, what right has I got
+to be intimating to Mr. Dallas my private beliefs about the private
+characters of this here brisk crowd which he has gone and got so thick
+with since we arrived here on the scene? Right from the first I has had
+my own personal convictions about the set he's in with. I has made up my
+mind that they ain't the genuine real quality; that they is just a
+slicked-up, highly-polished imitation of the real quality; that they
+ain't doing things so much as they is overdoing 'em. The way I looks at
+it, they bears the same relation to regulation high-toney folks which a
+tin minnow does to sure-enough live bait. You maybe might fool a fish
+with it but you couldn't fool the world at large for so very long. And
+as for me, I ain't been fooled at all, not at no time. But I naturally
+can't go stating my presenterments to Mr. Dallas without he the same as
+practically invites me first for to do so. Now, can I? But if he finds
+it out for himself and approaches me, that's a roan horse of another
+color.
+
+So the above reasons is why I is at present keeping my mouth shut in
+front of him about what concerns him solely. Besides, so many things
+continues to happen from day to day here in New York it keeps me right
+busy just staying up with the procession and not overlooking the stray
+bets. For instances, now, there's my moving-picture scheme which I
+thinks up out of my own head and which promises to turn out mighty
+profitable if everything goes well.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+_Movie-Land_
+
+
+Having so much else to keep track of I has plumb forgot up till now to
+set forth how comes it we gets ourselves interested in the movies. You
+see, both Miss Pat and Miss Bill-Lee is in that line, although not
+working at it very steady. In fact, practically all our crowd lets on to
+be doing something or other for to earn a living when they can't think
+of nothing else to do. It seems like Mr. Bellows sets himself up to be
+one of these here interior decorators, which I don't know exactly what
+that is, though I has my notions for I has seen him decorating.
+
+Let somebody else provide the materials and he's right there with the
+interior. Mrs. Gaylord she's an alimony-collector by profession and
+doing right well at her trade, too, from all I can gather. And Mr.
+Raynor he calls himself a broker. I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once,
+sort of joking, that being a broker is the present tense of being broke,
+which I reckon that is not only grammar but facts, except when somebody
+like Mr. Dallas comes along with ready cash on hand. But the two young
+ladies has both been in theatricals for going on several years now,
+first on the old-fashioned talking stage and more lately with the films;
+so naturally there's a right smart talk about films and screens and all,
+going on from time to time.
+
+It seems like all hands amongst 'em agrees there's a heap of money in
+the film business if only the right folks was to take hold of it and get
+it away from the parties which is now trying to run it. It also seems
+that if only Miss Bill-Lee could get the proper sort of a chance, which
+she can't on account of jealousy and one thing and another, she'd be a
+brightly shining star in no time. All she needs is for somebody to put
+her out in a piece which'll suit her and then she'll be a sensational
+success and all concerned will make more money than they'll know what to
+do with. I hears her saying so more than once to Mr. Dallas, all the
+time looking at him with them yearning big black eyes of hers. It seems
+like that is the one thing which she requires for to make her perfectly
+happy. And seeing as how that appears to be Mr. Dallas' chief aim in
+life these times--making Miss Bill-Lee more happy--I says to myself that
+first thing we know we'll be investing in a new line on the side. Mr.
+Raynor, though, he ain't so favorable to the notion. I can tell that he
+don't want Mr. Dallas to be spreading his play 'round so promiscuous. It
+ain't so much what he says; it's by the way he looks when the subject
+comes up that I can figure out what his private emotions is.
+
+Anyhow, the upshot is that Mr. Dallas takes to spending considerable of
+his spare time at a studio up-town where the two young ladies works,
+getting pointers and so on. One evening--I should say, one afternoon--he
+telephones down to the apartment for me to bring one of his heavy
+overcoats up there to him because, what with late fall-time being here
+now, the weather has turned off sort of cold; and that's how befalls
+that I gets my look at the insides of one of these here studio places,
+which I must say, alongside of the one I seen, a crazy-house is plumb
+rational and abounding in restfulness.
+
+From the outsides it looks to be like something suitable for a tobacco
+stemmery or maybe a skating-rink, but once I gets past the watchman on
+the outer door--_Who-ee!_ That's all--_Who-ee!_ I stops close by the
+door and for a spell I watches what's going on and I thinks to myself
+that whilst there may be a-plenty of money in the moving-picture
+business, and doubtless is, the bulk of it is liable to stay in it
+permanent. Never before in my whole life has I seen so many folks
+letting on like they was fixing for to transact something important and
+then not doing it. If they was all on piece-work they couldn't earn
+enough to pay for half-soling the shoes which they wears out running
+about getting in one another's way. But as I understands it, they mainly
+is hired by the day and not by the job, and my heart certainly goes out
+in sympathetical feelings for the man, whoever he may be, that's
+footing the bills at the end of the week. If I was him I'd charge
+general admittance for the public to come in and witness these here
+carryings-on, and thereby get some part of my wastage back.
+
+Almost the first thing which distracts my attention is a
+pestered-looking man with a pair of these here high leather leggings on,
+like he was fixing to go horse-back riding but in his frenzy has mislaid
+the horse; which he is full of authority and dashing to and fro with a
+big megaphone in one hand and in the other a bunch of wadded-up paper
+with writing on it. He appears to be in sole charge; and if hollowing
+loud was worth fifty cents a hollow he'd be a millionaire inside of a
+month if his voice didn't give out on him. I finds out a little later
+that he's what they calls the director. Well, he certainly does
+directicate.
+
+One minute he's yelling at a couple of the hands up in the loft
+overhead, which their job is to handle some of the lights and then he's
+yelling at the little fellow which is running the picture-taking
+machinery, and then he's yelling at a bunch of men which has charge of
+the scenery, only this crowd don't pay no attention to him but just goes
+on doing their work very languid-like; so I judges they must belong
+to a union and therefore can afford to be independent. But most in
+general he devotes his yelling to a whole multitude of folks all dressed
+up in acting clothes with their faces painted the curiousest ever I
+seen. And, at that, I seen a sight of face-painting since I come to New
+York! Under them funny lights their skins is an awful corpsy
+greenish-yellowish-whitish and their lips is purple, like as if they has
+been drownded nine days and has just now come to the top.
+
+He herds all these people together and gets 'em set to act a piece. And
+then something goes wrong. Either he ain't satisfied with the lights or
+with their actions or else he remembers something important which has
+been forgotten and he yells for somebody to fetch it, and six or eight
+runs to get it and brings the wrong thing back, and he raves and cusses
+under his breath and tells everybody to go back to their marks and start
+in all over again.
+
+And the next try is just the same as the first. And the third try is not
+no more successful than the other two was. So then the director he
+shooes the whole crowd back out of the way and walks up and down and
+waves his arms and wildly states that he hopes he may be hanged if he's
+going to go on until they learns how to rehearse. And I remarks to
+myself that if I was them white folks I certainly would give him his
+wish and hang him!
+
+So then everybody loafs round a spell, whilst the director confabs with
+a little thin nervoused-looking man called Mr. Simons, with glasses on.
+And then the director announces that they won't try to shoot the mob
+scene today and all the extras can go till nine o'clock tomorrow
+morning, and in the meantime he trusts and prays that they may get a
+little sense or something in their heads. So, accordingly, most of the
+multitude departs leaving only about a dozen or more actor ladies and
+gentlemen setting round on odds and ends and seemingly very grateful for
+the peaceful lull.
+
+By this time I has done localized Mr. Pulliam where he's standing over
+in a corner talking with Miss Bill-Lee and a couple more ladies, and I
+makes my way to him. Doing so, I has to pass behind some of the scenery.
+On the other side it's just like a row of houses with roofs and porches
+and all, but here on the behind-side of it there ain't nothing only
+plastering laths and raggedy ends of burlaps and chicken-coop wire and
+naked joists. It puts me right sharply in mind of some of these folks we
+has been associating with up here--everything in stock devoted to making
+a show for the front and nothing except the rubbish left over for the
+backing. Well, I reckons it's always like that when you is
+making-believe to be something you truly ain't, whether it's in a
+moving-picture studio or out in the great world at large.
+
+After I gives Mr. Dallas his coat he tells me to hang round if I wishes
+to do so and watch 'em working. So I hangs round. But there ain't much
+working done for quite a spell but, instead, a lot of general
+speechifying and explaining betwixt this one and that one. Finally
+though, the pestered man he yells out something about being ready to
+shoot an interior. All hands rambles over to another part of the
+building where there is more scenery which is fixed up to look like the
+insides of a short-order restaurant. One of the young ladies and one of
+the young gentlemen sets down at a table in front of the camera and lets
+on to be eating a quick snack whilst a white man, which is dressed up
+like a waiter and blacked up to look like he's colored, waits on 'em.
+The two at the table appears to be giving satisfaction but the ruler of
+the roost ain't pleased with the way the waiter acts out his part.
+
+I ain't blaming him for not being pleased, neither. To start with, the
+waiter is blacked up too much. He don't look like he's genuine colored;
+he looks more like he's been shining up a cook stove and got most of the
+polish rubbed off onto his face and hands. He don't act like he's
+genuine colored, neither. I judges he must have studied the business of
+acting like colored folks from watching nigger minstrel shows. He keeps
+rolling his eyes up in his head and smacking his lips, the same as an
+end-man does, which is all right, I reckon, when you is an end-man but
+which does not fill the bill when you is letting on to be a sure-enough
+black person; because for years past I ain't never seen scarsely no
+minstrel man which really deported himself as though he had colored
+feelings inside of him.
+
+Still, I must say for him that he's doing his level best to oblige. But
+what with him trying to remember to keep the eyes rolling and the lips
+smacking, and the director yelling at him through that megaphome to do
+the next step this-a-way or that-a-way, he's presently so muddled up in
+his mind that it seems like he can't get nothing at all accomplished. It
+makes me feel actually sorry for him; but I ain't sorry for the
+director. One of 'em is ignorant and willing to admit it; the other one
+is ignorant but is trying to cover it up by behaving bossified and
+making loud sounds and laying the blame on somebody else. Leastwise,
+that's how I figures it out. I says to myself, I says:
+
+"It's all wrong frum who laid the rail. Yas suh, I'll tell the waitin'
+world they don't neither one of 'em onderstan' the leas' particle 'bout
+nigger actions an' nigger depotemint."
+
+I must've said it out loud without thinking, because right alongside me
+somebody speaks up and says:
+
+"What do you know about this business?"
+
+I turns my head and looks, and it's that there quiet little man with the
+big glasses on, name of Mr. Simons.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"I don't know nothin' 'bout this yere bus'ness, but I does know
+somethin' 'bout bein' cullid, seein' ez I is one myse'f."
+
+He sort of squints up his eyes like he's got an idea. He says:
+
+"Could you take the director's place there and show that man how to get
+through with his scene?"
+
+"Who, boss, me?" I says. "No suit! I mebbe mout could tek his place
+pervidin' w'ite folkses didn't mind havin' me th'owin' awders at 'em,
+but even so, I couldn't never plant the right idees in 'at other
+gen'elman's mind."
+
+"Why not?" he says.
+
+"'Cause it's plain to me," I says, "'at in the fust place he ain't got
+no notion ez to how a black boy would carry hisse'f whilst waitin' on a
+table. 'Scuse me fur sayin' so ef he's a friend of yours, but tha's the
+facts of the case, boss--the feelin's ain't thar."
+
+"All right," he says, "then could you play the waiter's part yourself?"
+
+"Well suh," I says, "mebbe I could ef they wouldn't 'spect me to act lak
+a actor but just 'lowed me to act lak a human bein'. I ain't never done
+no actin'," I says, "but I been a human bein' fur ez fur back ez I kin
+remember."
+
+"You've got it!" he says. "What this business needs in it is fewer
+people trying to act and more people willing to behave like human
+beings. How would you like to put on the jacket and the apron that man
+is wearing and see if you could get away with the job he's trying to
+do?"
+
+"Ef 'twould be a favor to you--yas, suh," I says. "But I'm' skeered the
+directin' gen'elman mout object."
+
+"I think possibly I could fix that," he says. "I happen to be the owner
+of this plant. I'll go speak to him."
+
+"Hole on," I says, "ef you please, suh. The onliest way I could do it,"
+I says, "would be fur you to tell me jest whut you wanted done an' 'en
+you'd have to mek all hands stand back an' keep quiet whilst I wuz
+tryin' to do it. It sho'," I says, "would git me all razzle-dazzled to
+have some gen'elman yellin' at me th'ough 'at megaphome ever' half
+secont or so."
+
+"There's another idea that's worth experimenting with," he says. "I've
+thought the same thing myself before now. You stay right here a minute."
+
+Well, to make a long story no longer, he goes over and whispers
+something to the director and first-off the director he shakes his head
+like he's dead set against the proposition but Mr. Simons keeps on
+arguing with him and after a little bit the director flings up both
+hands sort of despairful and goes over and sets down at a little table,
+looking very sulky. Then, Mr. Simons he tells the blacked-up man to take
+off his apron and his jacket and tells me to put 'em on me and then he
+tells me very slow just what he wants me to do, but he says I'm to do it
+my own way and if, as I goes along, I thinks of anything else which a
+real colored waiter would do under such-like circumstances, why, I'm to
+stick that in, too.
+
+"Try to forget that it's all pretending," he says, "and try to forget
+that there's a camera grinding in front of you. Just remember that
+you're a waiter in a cheap dump serving a couple of young people that
+have run away from home to be married and are in a hurry to get
+something to eat. Try to register your expectations of getting a nice
+big tip from the young fellow. And when you slip the girl the note
+that'll tip her off to the fact that her old sweetheart is waiting
+outside and wants to see her, you want to make sure that the man at the
+table with her can't see you, but that people sitting out in the
+audience watching the show will see the note pass. Get me? We won't have
+any rehearsals--too much preliminary stuff might make you
+self-conscious. I'll have 'em start shooting just as soon as you come
+on. Now go to it!"
+
+Which I does it all according to orders. I must've gave utter
+satisfaction, too, because when we gets through, everybody setting round
+claps their hands and applauses me same as if they was at a regular
+show--that is, everybody does so except the director; which he continues
+to act peevish. This here Mr. Simons he goes yet farther than
+applausing; he comes over to me and he says I has put him under
+obligations to me by helping him out and if ever I feels like doing some
+more moving-picture work just to call on him either down at his office
+or up here at the studios, because he says there ain't no telling when
+he may have another show with a part in it for a smart spry colored
+person. And with that he slips his card into my hand and along with it a
+ten dollar bill, which that is more money than ever I has earned before
+in my whole life for a light job, let alone just acting natural for
+about five or six minutes.
+
+He starts on away then but suddenly he turns round like a notion had
+just hit him between the eyes and he comes back to me and says he wants
+to speak to me a minute and I follows him back around a corner where
+nobody won't be liable to hear us.
+
+"I want to ask you about something," he says, when we arrives there.
+"You seem to be a person who keeps his eyes and his ears open; besides,
+you're colored yourself and what I need here, I think, is somebody who
+can look at a proposition from a colored man's slant rather than from a
+white man's. And finally, my guess is that you haven't been away from
+your own part of the country very long and that probably means you
+haven't lost your perspective. Do you get my drift?"
+
+I wouldn't know a perspective if I met up with one in the big road but I
+ain't aiming to expose my ignorance before this strange gentleman. I
+tries to look like I'm mighty glad that I've been so careful as not to
+lose it and I tells him yes, sir, I gets his drift.
+
+"Good," he says. "Well, making it snappy, the idea is just this: New
+York City is full of colored actors--not merely singers and dancers but
+real artists, some of 'em, who can act and are especially strong in
+comedy. That's point number one. In nearly every good-sized town in this
+country, North and South, there's at least one moving-picture house
+catering to your people. That's point number two. But day after day and
+night after night those patrons see nothing but pictures written by
+white people, directed by white men, and acted by white people. That's
+point number three. Now, I've been carrying round a scheme in my head
+for quite awhile--a scheme to try the experiment of turning out a line
+of two-reelers, say, done by colored casts, and selling them, if I can,
+to these three or four thousand houses run by colored people and playing
+to colored people. I've got the studio right here--I've got the
+organization and the equipment. And at any time I need it I can put my
+hand on plenty of acting material--colored people, I mean--who'll only
+need a little training to make 'em fit for my purposes. Some of 'em have
+already had some training--as extras around the local plants. As I dope
+it out, if I can produce pictures which will appeal particularly to your
+people I'll have a steady market through the big exchanges; because, if
+I know anything about the tastes of the general public, white people
+will enjoy all-colored comedies--if they're done right--almost as much
+as colored people will. And that's point number four. Now then, give me
+your idea of the value of the notion?"
+
+"Mister," I says, "I kin only tell you how one cullid pusson feels,
+w'ich 'at one is me: The way I looks at it, you ain't needin' to bother
+much 'bout fancy scenery an' special fixin's--wid a crowd of niggers the
+mainest p'int will be the actin'. The actin' part is whar you can't fool
+'em. An'," I says, "ef you kin git holt of a crowd of cullid actors
+w'ich is willin' to ack lak the sho'-nuff ole-time cullid an' not lak
+onbleached imitations of w'ite folks, it seems lak to me the rest of it
+oughter be plum' easy. Mostly I'd mek the pitchers comical, ef I wuz
+you. You kin do 'at an' still not hurt nobody's feelin's, w'ite nur
+black. Ef you wants to perduce a piece showin' a lot of niggers gittin'
+skinned, let it be another nigger w'ich skins 'em. Then," I says, "w'en,
+at the last, they gits even wid him it'll still be nigger ag'inst
+nigger. An' ef, once't in awhile, you meks a kind of a serious-lak
+pitcher, showin', mebbe, how the race is a-strivin' to git ahaid in the
+world, 'at ought to fetch these yere new-issue cullid folks w'ich," I
+says, "is seemin'ly become so plentiful up Nawth. But mainly I'd stick
+to the laffin' line ef I wuz you--niggers is one kind of folks in 'is
+country w'ich they ain't afeard to laff. An' whutever else you does," I
+says, "don't mess wid no race problem. We gits mouty tired, sometimes,
+of bein' treated the way we of'en is. Tek my own case," I says. "I ain't
+no problem, I's a pusson. I craves to be so reguarded. An' tha's the way
+I alluz is been reguarded by my own kind of w'ite folks down whar I
+comes frum," I says.
+
+"Say," he says, when I gets through saying this, "I think you've earned
+another ten-spot." And with that he shoves one more of them desirable
+bills at me; which he don't have no real struggle inducing me to take
+it. Because I'm a powerful easy person to control in such matters. And
+always has been, from a child up.
+
+"I was practically convinced all along that the proposition was worth
+trying," he says. "What you say helps to confirm a judgment I already
+had. Well, don't forget about coming to see me if you want work in my
+line--there may be plenty of it if this thing pans out." And he shakes
+hands with me again and walks off.
+
+Right after that a young white gentleman he comes looking for me to take
+down my full entitlements and he says I will be honorably mentioned by
+name on the program of the picture which they now is making, when it's
+done. And Mr. Dallas he tells me I can take the rest of the day off for
+to celebrate having broke into the movies.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+_Black Belt_
+
+
+But I figures I has got something better to do than just to be
+gallivanting to and fro on a frolic. A notion has busted out insides of
+my brains. So right off I puts off across town for West One-Hundred and
+Thirty-fifth Street hoping for to find one U. S. G. Petty, Colored.
+
+Some time back, as I remembers, I made brief mention about having
+affiliated myself into the Pastime Colored Pleasure and Recreation Club,
+Inc. Only, the last word--_Inc._--is not usually spoke when you is
+naming the club, by reason of its sounding so much like a personal
+reflection upon the prevailing complexion of some of the members. Still,
+that is the way it is wrote out on the letter-heads and the initiation
+blanks.
+
+I has belonged for going on more than a month now and I spends much of
+my spare time in the club-rooms. I feels more comfortable among my
+fellow-affiliators than I does any place else in this town. Looking back
+on it I'm convinced 'twas up there I first began to get shut of the
+grievous homestick pangs which afflicted me so sorefully following after
+our advent into these parts. Up to now I has not spoke of my being
+homesick because it seemed like to me the mainest job was to set down
+what come to pass without paying much heed to private sensations upon
+the part of the scribe thereof, but, if the truth must now be confessed,
+I oftentimes was mighty nigh completely overcome by my sufferings from
+the same during them opening weeks of the present sojourn.
+
+At the beginning I used to get so tired, night-times, tramping about
+streets which was full of utter strangers and not never speaking a word
+to nobody nor seeing a friendly face, that I liked to died, dad-blame if
+I didn't! If I stood still they'd run right on over me and if I walked
+on I didn't have nowheres to go and I'd be so exhaustified from looking
+at sights all by myself that I'd get to wishing I'd never see another
+sight again as long as I lived, without I had somebody I knowed along
+with me to help me look at it. And then I'd come morosing on back to the
+apartment and probably Mr. Dallas he'd be out and nobody there but that
+there slick-headed Japanee boy. I tried sociable talk with him once or
+twice but you really don't derive no great amount of nourishment from
+talking with somebody which thinks language is sucking your breath in
+through your front teeth and once in awhile grinning like one of these
+here pumpkin Jack-mer-lanterns. So I soon learned the lesson of just
+letting him be.
+
+I'd go on back to my room and take off my shoes for to ease my aching
+feet; but whilst taking off your shoes is good for your feet it don't
+help the ache in your soul none. I'd set at the window and look out on
+them millions and millions of lights, all winking and blinking at me
+like hostile bright eyes, and away down below me in the street I could
+hear old automobile horns blatting like lost ghosts, and every now and
+then there'd rise up to my ears a sort of a rumble and a roar, like as
+if New York City was having indigestion pains; and I'll say it
+positively was lonesome. I could shut my eyes and see my own home-town
+with the shade trees leaning down towards the sidewalks like they was
+interested in what went on underneath them, and I could hear the voices
+of the neighbors, both white and black, calling back and forth to one
+another and I could seem to smell frying cat-fish spitting in the
+skillet at old Uncle Isom Woolfolk's hot snack-stand down back of the
+Market House, and I also could smell that damp, soothing kind of a smell
+which it rolls in off the river on a warm night and then--oh, my Blessed
+Maker!--something would hurt me like having the misery in your side.
+
+That's the way it was very frequent at the outsetting. But pretty soon I
+gets acquainted with a couple of colored boys which works in the
+apartment house next door to ours--not West Indians but regulation
+colored boys, one being from Macon, Georgia, and one from Memphis,
+Tennessee--and they takes to escorting me round with 'em at night,
+mainly in what the white folks calls the Harlem Black Belt. Fussing back
+and forth, thuslike, I makes yet more acquaintances and
+then--_bam_!--all at once there's a quick change in me and I ain't so
+choked up with lonesomeness like I was. All of a sudden my having lived
+heretofore always down in Kentucky has become to me just a kind of a
+far-off dream and it's almost like as if I had been a New York
+residenter for years past. 'Specially does I feel so when I goes up to
+the Pastime Club; which I joins it by invitation about a month ago and
+is now already being talked of for one of the honory offices at the next
+annual election which will come along in about five or six weeks from
+now.
+
+I finds that the most of my race up here aims to copy their actions
+after white folks when they is showing themselves off in public. They is
+forever trying to talk like whites and trying to appear deeply
+oninterested in passing things, the same as some white folks does, and
+even trying to think like whites, I expect. But when they gets off
+amongst themselves their natural feelings comes out on 'em and the true
+coloredism breaks forth and they cuts loose and enjoys themselves
+regardless. That's the way it is behind the closed doors of our
+club-rooms. Also, there's suitable games and indoor sports such as
+coon-can and two-bit-limit poker with the joker running wild and a round
+of rumdoodlums after every face-full; and when hunger gnaws at you
+there's a Chinee restaurant right handy by, which it caters 'specially
+to the colored trade. Here is where I first meets a crock of this here
+chop suey face to face; which it may be a Chinee dish but certainly is
+got a kind of an African flavor to it. If you can't get a mess of
+cow-peas and some real corn-pones and maybe half a fried young spring
+chicken with an abundance of gravy, I don't know of nothing which makes
+a more desirable light snack between meals than about fifty cents worth
+of chop suey with a double order of boiled rice on the side and some of
+that there greasy black Chinee sauce to sop it in.
+
+It's one time in the front room of the club that I first takes special
+notice of this here U. S. G. Petty, which he is the same person I goes
+a-seeking upon leaving the studios on this day in question. The way he
+comes to bring himself to my attention is this way: One night five or
+six of us Pastimers in good standing is setting round not doing nothing
+in particular, but just setting, when talk arises concerning of Gabriel,
+the Black Prophet of Abyssinia, which his name is now on everybody's
+tongue, more or less.
+
+It seems that the Black Prophet come a-projecting himself onto the local
+scene last spring, him claiming to hail from a far-off latitude called
+Abyssinia, and immediately he creates a big to-do, which is only to be
+expected considering of his general aspect. In the first place, he's a
+powerful orator and just overflowing with noble large words. In the
+second place, he's a great big over-bearing-looking man and wearing at
+all times a flowing garment of purple like the night-shirt of a king,
+and instead of having a hat on he's got his head all bandaged up in many
+silken folds like he's got scalp-trouble. Naturally, folks turns out to
+look at him; but language and curious clothes is not the sole things by
+which he recommends himself. He's got something even more compelling to
+the colored mind than what these two is--he's had a glorious vision, so
+he states, and he craves for to tell about it on all occasions where
+folks'll give heed; which they freely does, because he certainly can
+explain the whyfores and 'numerate the whereases and show the whereins.
+But showing wherein is his main hold.
+
+From the way he tells it, he laid down one night in his native country
+for to sleep and whilst he slept an angel appeared before him in a dream
+bearing a flaming scroll and a golden sword, and the angel anointed his
+brows with the oils of understanding and wiped the scales of blindness
+from off his eyes and smeared his lips with the salves of
+eloquence--altogether, it seem like the angel must a-been working on him
+half the night getting him greased-up to suit. And along towards morning
+the command is laid on him to go forth into the world and deliver his
+race from bondage in every hemisphere there is. So it transpires that
+he takes his foot in his hand and he comes on across the seas over to
+these here United States of North America and starts in his
+ministrations in New York. Leastwise, that is the account as he lays it
+down; which he calls it an inspired prophecy from On High but it sounds
+more to me like an inspired real-estate scheme, because the plan as he
+preaches it is that all us black folks everywhere must straight-away
+rise ourselves up and follow after him, which he will then lead us back
+to our original own country of Affika where he will cause all the white
+folks which has settled there to pull out and leave us in sole charge
+for to rule the state and run our own government and be a free and
+independent people from thenceforth on forever. So you pays down so much
+for to join and so much every month in dues and soon then--to hear him
+tell it--you will be happy on your way across the ocean to find your
+haven in the Promised Land.
+
+But not me! I ain't lost no haven. Moreover, if ever anybody does
+promise me one-such I ain't aiming to go seeking after it under the
+guidnance of a dark stranger which he ain't no credentials for to
+endorse him in my eyes, excusing it's a purple silk night-shirt and a
+tale about him having been lubricated all over with a lot of different
+kinds of fancy ointments by an Abyssinian angel. No sir, if I has to do
+traveling in extreme foreign-off parts I'll go along with some of my own
+white folks which I can put trust in their words and dependence on their
+acts. And, finally, the idea of my returning to Affika does not seem to
+appeal to me in no way nor at no time whatsomever. What's the use of
+returning to a place where you ain't never been? As I says to myself the
+first time the notion is expounded to me, I says:
+
+"I ain't frum Affika, I is frum Paducah, Kintucky. Some of my former
+folks may a-hailed frum there--leas'wise, tha's the common rumor--but
+the Poindexter fambly is been away so long it seems lak I ain't
+inherited the taste to 'go traipsin' back. Mo'over, ef whut I heahs
+'bout it is correc', Affika is full of alligators an' lions an'
+onreconciled Bengal tigers an' man-eatin' cannibals, w'ich I wouldn't
+be surprised but whut they all of 'em 'specially favors the dark meat.
+An' yere I is, a pernounced brunette! So, w'en they starts makin' up the
+excursion list they kin kin'ly leave my name off, 'cause I 'spects to be
+very busily engaged stayin' right whar I dog-goned is!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+_Afric Shores_
+
+
+Thus is what I says to myself, very first crack out of the box and I
+subsequent sees no reason for to change my views. But this night at the
+Pastime when the subject is brung forward for discussion, I just lurks
+in a corner, not saying nothing myself but doing some very vigorous
+listening. Being a new member, the way I is, I prefers not to declare
+myself in at the go-off but just to sort of hang back and catch the
+general drift of the old heads before I commits myself.
+
+Regardless of your private convictions it don't hurt you none,
+sometimes, to throw in with the majority. Traveling with the current
+instead of against it, you maybe is not so prominent but you gets fewer
+bumps across your head. A minnow sliding downstream with a passel of
+other minnows stands a heap better chance of leading a pleasant life
+than if he strives for to conspicious himself by swimming upstream all
+by himself. Old Brother Channel Cat is liable to come sauntering down
+past the towhead and see him going along there all alone, and open wide
+that there big mouth of his and then, little Mr. Minnow, I asks you,
+where is you?
+
+So I sets and hearkens to the pow-wowing. It seems that two or three
+present has been swept right off their feet by the masterful preachments
+of this here Gabriel the Black Prophet. They is all organized up for to
+accept him as the chosen apostle of the colored race. It looks like they
+can't hardly wait for the blessed day to come when they'll pull out with
+him. They 'lows a lot of these here overbearing white folks is going to
+feel mighty funny the morning they wakes up and finds that all the black
+folks is done up and gone from 'em and there ain't nobody left for to
+pack their heavy burdens for 'em and wait on 'em, without they turns in
+and does it themselves. They says a lot more like that. And pretty soon
+the old camp-meeting tone comes creeping into their voices and their
+eyes starts shining like they was repentant sinners gathered at the
+mourners' bench and they begins to sort of sing their words and
+generally work themselves up into a state of grace.
+
+Right about then this here U. S. G. Petty, which they calls him 'Lisses
+for short, speaks up. Until now he has been reared back in his chair
+listening, the same as I is. But now he opens up and his words hits them
+onthusiastic ones like a dipperful of ice-water throwed in their faces.
+
+He says to 'em, he says:
+
+"W'en does all you niggers 'at's so homesick fur the sight of the dear
+Affikin shore aims to start on yore jubilatin' way? I is heared a lot
+tonight an' other times, too, 'bout this yere journey. I is heared it
+called a crusade an' a pilgrimage an' a whole passel of other fancy
+names. But so fur, nobody ain't confided to me the details of the
+departure."
+
+"The fust batch goes ez soon ez the fust boat is ready," says one of the
+true believers, name of Oscar Jordan. "An' the rest will follow wid
+rejoicin' on the other boats of the fleet, ez they is made ready."
+
+"Well, me, I ain't seen hair nur hide of one boat yit," says 'Lisses,
+"let alone it's a whole fleet."
+
+"But ain't you seen the pitcher of her in the litrychure w'ich the Black
+Prophet give out?" says Oscar.
+
+"I has, Brother," says 'Lisses; "I suttinly has. I also has seen
+pitchers of the late Kaiser Ex-Wilhellum of Germany, but that ain't no
+sign I 'spects to meet him strollin' up Lenox Avenue some pleasant
+mawnin' this comin' week."
+
+"Yas, but the bindin' paymints is done been made on the fust ship," says
+Oscar. "The Grand Treasurer, w'ich he is the Black Prophet's
+brother-in-law by marriage, he announce' the full perticulars at the
+las' monster mass meetin'. He specify she is to have a cullid brass-band
+on bode an' a cullid string-band an' a cullid crew an' a cullid cap'n
+an'----"
+
+"Uh huh!" says 'Lisses, "A cullid cap'n, huh? All right, boy, you kin
+give yore confidences to a cullid cap'n ef you's a-mind to. But,
+speakin' ez yore friend an' well-wisher I should advise you at the same
+time w'en you is pickin' out your fav'rit' cullid cap'n 'at you lakwise
+also picks out yore fav'rit' flower fur display at the memorial services
+in case of a storm comin' up on the way acrost the high seas. 'Cause,"
+he says, "it stands to reason the higher them seas is the deeper they
+is; an' ef you gits yo'se'f drownded out yonder it'll be a tho'ough job.
+Mind you," he says, "I ain't sayin' nothin' agin my own race so long ez
+they remains whar they natchelly belongs, w'ich is on the solid ground.
+But ef I'm goin' journey acros't the broad Newlantic Ocean I craves me a
+w'ite cap'n--yas, an' a w'ite crew, too."
+
+One or two, including this here Oscar, tries to break in on him but he
+keeps right on. He says to 'em, he says:
+
+"I wonder is you Ole Home-Weekers been figgerin' out how you is goin'
+git control of yore beloved native Affika w'en you arrives safely
+tharin? Seems lak to me tha's a p'int w'ich you better be payin' a
+right smart attention to it befo'hand. 'Cause, frum whut I kin gather,
+w'ite folks is done already laid claim to the most part of Affika w'ich
+is fit fur a Christian to live in. I bet you wharever they is a
+diamond-mine or a gold diggin's or an ivory-mine or anythin' wuth
+havin', you'll find a bunch of w'ite men roostin' close't by, wid
+'Posted' signs up on every hand. Whut does you aim to do 'en?"
+
+"They ain't got no right fur to be thar in the fust place," says Oscar.
+"The Prophet done oratate fully 'bout that. Didn't Affika belong to us
+black folkses to begin wid? Has we ever deeded it away? No, that we
+ain't! Then it's still our'n, ain't it? So, therefo', we goes back in
+force an' th'ough our chosen leaders we demands 'at these yere
+trespassers re-hands it back over to its rightful owners, w'ich," he
+says, "tha's us."
+
+"Even so," says 'Lisses, "even so. You lands an' you demands--an' 'en
+whut? This yere country belonged once't upon a time to the Injuns. An'
+w'ite folks come along an' chiseled 'em out of it, didn't they? They
+shore did so! But I ain't heared 'bout no gin'el movemint in favor of
+turnin' it back over ag'in to the Injuns. The Injuns mout feel
+that-a-way but I ain't 'spectin' to see many w'ite folkses votin' in
+favor of it.
+
+"Lis'sen: Once't you let w'ite folks git they feets rooted in the ground
+an' they stays fast, reguardless of whut the former perprietors may
+think 'bout it. W'ite folks in gin'el is very funny that way an' more
+'specially ef they is Angler-Saxons. I don't know, myse'f, whar this
+yere Angler-Saxony is. I done look fur it on the map an' 'tain't thar. I
+reckin so many Angler-Saxons must a-moved off to other parts of the
+world seekin' whut they could confisticate unto theyselves 'at the
+'riginal country they hailed frum has done vanish'. Jedgin' by they
+names, some of 'em must a-been Scotch an' some of 'em must a-been Irish
+and plenty more of 'em must a-been English; but no matter whut they
+names is, they is all alak in one respec': an' tha's clingin' fast to
+all the onimproved real-estate w'ich they gits they hands on. I knows,
+'cause I wuz born and brung up 'mongst 'em down in No'th Ca'lina. An'
+they is still a right smart sprinklin' of 'em lef' 'round these yere
+No'the'n parts, too. You jest try to mek 'em give up somethin' w'ich
+they desires fur to keep on keepin' it, an' you'll find 'em a powerful
+onhealthy crowd to prank wid. They's a heap of talk," he says, "'bout
+the other races, w'ich is pourin' in yere, crowdin' 'em plum out of Noo
+Yawk City in time, notwithstandin' of 'em havin' been amongst the fust
+settlers yere. But lemme tell you somethin': Ef they wuzn' but two of
+them Angler-Saxons lef' in this whole town I bet you one of 'em would be
+the mayor an' the other'd be the chief of police. Next to holdin' on to
+the land, runnin' the gov'mint is the most fav'rit' sport they follows
+after.
+
+"An'," he says, "ef 'at is true of this yere country, you tek it frum me
+it's true of Affika. Me, I looks fur a lot of cullid fun'els to tek
+place befo' you has yore wish 'bout regainin' yore former homestids over
+thar," he says. Then his tone sort of changes. "But," he says, "I has
+jest been statin' the argumints on the No side. I wants to be fair, so I
+will lakwise 'low there's somethin' to be said on yore side, too. In
+fact," he says, "ef only the suitable 'rangemints kin be made
+befo'hand, I aims to onlist myse'f in wid the movemint an' give to it,"
+he says, "my most hearties' suppo't."
+
+That seems to sort of take 'em by surprise. This here Oscar Jordan,
+being the most gabby one, is the first to get over his surprisement.
+
+"How come you kin feel that way, 'Lisses," he says, "w'en fur the pas'
+ten minutes you been preachifyin' agin the whole notion? How come you
+willin' fur to remove yo'se'f off to the perposed All-Affikin Republic
+ef you holds them views w'ich you jest expound?"
+
+"Who, me?" says 'Lisses. "You got me wrong! I ain't aimin' to remove
+myse'f nowhars. I is mos' comfor'ble whar I is at. No suh, what I aims
+to do is to 'tach myse'f to the collector's office yere at home an'
+handle the money-dues ez they comes a-rollin' in frum the rest of you
+niggers. That's goin' be me an' my job--collectin' an' also
+disbursin'--'specially the las'-named."
+
+I rises from where I is setting and I crosses to him and I extends to
+him the right hand of fellowship and I says to him, I says:
+
+"You," I says, "an' me both! I nominates myse'f to he'p you wid them
+duties. Brother Petty," I says, "you speaks words of wisdom w'ich they
+sounds lak my own. Le's us two promenade fo'th into the fresh air of the
+evenin'," I says, "an' exchange mo' views on the subjec's of the day. I
+feels," I says, "'at we is goin' be agreeable companions one to the
+other an' vice or versa."
+
+So from that hour we becomes good friends and sees quite much of one
+another. And the more I sees of him the better the cut of his jib seems
+to suit me. He follows after cornet-playing for a living. He plays in
+the orchestra at the Colored Crescent Vaudeville Theatre on the corner
+below where the Pastime Club is, so, what with him being in the
+profession and us friends and all, I thinks of him the next minute after
+this big idea comes to me up at the studio and that's why I goes seeking
+for him in West One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth Street; which without much
+trouble I finds him. I takes him aside and I starts telling him what I
+has in my mind. Before I has been speechifying to him more than a minute
+I can tell he's getting interested and he begs me for to continue. And
+when I gets through he's just acclamatious over the notion of going in
+partners with me on the proposition. So we spends the rest of the day
+and until far into the night discussing the thing from every angle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+_Business Deals_
+
+
+
+Bright and early next morning, along about half past ten o'clock, which
+is bright and early for New York, I is at Mr. Simons' offices down on
+Broadway. I sends my name in to him by a white boy which is on guard in
+an outside room amongst a lot of gold railings. In lessen no time at all
+the word comes back that I is to walk right in. I walks in and I finds
+Mr. Simons setting behind the largest desk that ever I seen, in a room
+mighty near big enough for a church. He acts like he's glad to see me
+again and he invites me for to have a seat and tell him what's on my
+mind because, he says, he found my conversation the day previous to be
+most edifying and helpful.
+
+So I says to him, I says:
+
+"Boss, I wants to ast you a question an' 'pun yore answer depends
+whither or no I'm goin' ast you a favor lakwise?"
+
+"Shoot," he says.
+
+I says:
+
+"The question comes fust, w'ich it is ez follows: Ef you is earnest
+'bout goin' into the mekin' of cullid pitchers fur cullid audiences, lak
+you told me yistiddy, I desires please, suh, to know w'en you aims to
+give out yore plans to the public at large th'ough the newspapers?"
+
+He says:
+
+"Pretty soon, I guess--just as soon as I get the scheme sort of shaped
+up. Why--did you want a job when we open up?"
+
+"Naw suh, not 'at so much," I says. "I got a stiddy job now, valettin'
+fur Mr. Dallas Pulliam. But I has a right smart extra time on my hands
+an' I is been kind of figgerin' on mebbe doin' a little somethin' on the
+side in my sparin' hours. An' so, whut I 'specially craves to know frum
+you is whether, w'en you gits ready, you intends fur to 'nounce yore
+plans in the cullid papers yere in this town?"
+
+"Well," he says, "I hadn't thought of it before. But if it would mean
+anything to you I'd see to it, personally, that it was done and also
+that in the press notices your name was mentioned in a complimentary way
+as having given us valuable aid and advice--something of that sort. I
+suppose you'd like to be put in a favorable light among your friends.
+Well, I don't blame you. I'm somewhat addicted to printers' ink myself.
+Was that the favor you wanted to ask of me?"
+
+"Yas suh," I says, "in a way it 'tis an' then again, in a way, it
+'tain't. Yere's the idee, boss: I wants to know frum you befo'hand, ef
+you please, w'en you perposes to mek the 'nouncemint 'cause on 'at
+se'f-same day they'll be 'nother 'nouncemint in the cullid papers
+settin' fo'th 'at the new firm of Poindexter & Petty 'spectfully desires
+to state 'at they is openin' a bookin'-agency fur cullid movin'-pitcher
+actors in the neighborhood an' 'at lakwise also, in connection wid it, a
+school fur trainin' cullid folks how to ack fur the screen will later on
+be added on."
+
+He rears back in his chair and sort of smiles to himself, quiet-like.
+
+"Oh, I see," he says. "I congratulate you on being wide-awake, anyhow.
+But," he says, "what do you know about training people to act for the
+screen?"
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "I wuz aimin' to pick up a few p'inters yere an'
+thar fur future use. An' ef the wust comes to the wust," I says, "I kin
+get me a pair of these yere tall yaller leather leggin's an' a megaphome
+an' ack influential an' mebbe I could thar'by git by," I says.
+
+"Some of the white directors are getting by with about that much
+equipment," he says. "Perhaps you could, too. Well, anyhow, the venture
+has my best wishes for its success. I can promise you a little more than
+that: It's probable that later on I can throw some business in your
+way."
+
+"Thanky, suh, mos' kindly," I says. "'At wuz mainly whut I wuz hopin'
+fur."
+
+"Do you need any funds to help you out in financing your undertaking?"
+he says.
+
+"Naw suh, I thinks not," I says. "I got some ready cash on hand an' my
+partner he's goin' put in a amount ekel to whut I risks. Ef I needs any
+more on top of 'at, I aims to ast Mr. Dallas Pulliam fur a small loan."
+
+Then I tells him we lives at the Wheatley Court so he can write to me
+there as soon as he is ready to proceed ahead, and I bids him good-bye
+and goes back on up-town with hope singing inside of me like one of
+these here yellow-breast field-larks down home.
+
+It turns out though it's a good thing we don't need no borrowed capital
+from Mr. Dallas' pocketbook at the outsetting because in lessen two
+months from that time Old Miss Bad Luck starts shooting at him with the
+scatter-gun of trouble, both barrels at once.
+
+Which I will go into full details about all that mess the next time I
+takes my pen in hand.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+_Private Life_
+
+
+It seems to me it's highly suitable that I should get to the edge of
+telling about Mr. Dallas' misfortunate visitations just as Chapter the
+Thirteenth is starting, which, as everybody knows full well already,
+thirteen is the unluckiest number there is in the whole alphabet.
+
+When you projects with old Lady Thirteen you flirts with sudden
+disaster. With Mr. Dallas, though, his troubles don't come on all at
+once, like a stroke; they comes on sort of gradual, one behind the
+other, like the symptoms of a lingering complaint.
+
+Up to a certain point everything with us has gone along very lovely, the
+same as usual, with parties occurring regular at the apartment and the
+Japanee boy cooking up fancy mixtures, and me serving drinks by the
+drove. Thanksgiving time we has a special blow-out with twelve setting
+down to the table at once.
+
+But Christmas is when we cuts loose and just naturally out-todos all
+previous todos. All day long folks is dropping in to sample the
+available refreshments and most of 'em likes the sample so well they
+camps right there till far into the night. I mingles up a big glass
+reservoir full of egg-nog, which it seems to give 'special satisfaction
+to one and all. The way these here guests of ours bails it up you'd
+think they was in a sinking skiff half a mile from shore. As he ladles
+out the first batch Mr. Dallas states that this here egg-nog is made
+according to a recipe which has been handed down in his family since
+right after the Revolutionizing War. But when she's took the second
+helping, Miss O'Brien, who's got a mighty peart way about her of saying
+things, allows that it shore must be older even than that--she says
+she's willing to bet it had a good deal to do with bringing on the
+revolution.
+
+Of all the crowd that Mr. Dallas is in with, I likes her the best. She's
+got a powerful high temper and is prone to flare up when matters don't
+go to suit her; but it seems like to me she ain't devoting so much of
+her time as some of the others is to seeing what she can get for
+nothing. Sometimes I catches her looking at Mr. Dallas like as if she's
+sort of sorry for him on account of some reason or other. But to look at
+him on this Christmas Day, doing his entertainingest best, you'd think
+nothing had ever bothered him and that nothing ever would. As long as
+that egg-nog holds out he's bound and determined the party shall be a
+success. Which it is!
+
+But Mr. Bellows he ain't got no storage room for egg-nogs. Seemingly he
+figures that all them eggs and that rich cream and sugar and stuff will
+take up space which is needed for chambering the hard liquor. He just
+sets off in a corner with a bottle of Scotch and a bottle of squirtwater
+handy by, curing his drought, or striving to. He may not be such very
+good company but one thing they've got to say for him--he's a man of
+regular habits. You may not like the habits, but they certainly is
+regular. I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once that Mr. Bellows can hold any
+given number of drinks, sort of pressing her voice down on the word
+"given." She don't need to say it twice, neither, so far as I personally
+is concerned.
+
+I got her the first time.
+
+It's maybe two or three days after Christmas--anyhow it's somewheres
+around the middle of Christmas week--that I first takes notice of a sort
+of a change coming over Mr. Dallas' feelings. When there's nobody else
+round but just me and him he acts plumb bothered. His appetite is more
+picky-and-choosy than it used to be; and by these signs I can tell
+something is on his mind a-preying. On New Year's Eve he goes forth with
+his friends for a party but first they all stops by our place for what
+they calls appetizers and whilst they is gathered together it comes out
+that him and Miss Bill-Lee is now engaged. Not no regular announcement
+is made but all of a sudden, seems like, everybody present appears to
+know how things stand with him and her. Also, Miss Bill-Lee starts in
+treating him more or less like he belonged to her. I don't scarcely
+know how to state it in words, but it's like as if up until now she's
+been holding a piece of property under mortgage but has finally decided
+for to foreclose on it and is eager for the papers to be fixed up in
+order for to begin making improvements and alterations. She's what you
+might call proprietary.
+
+Well, I can't say the news is much of a shock to me, seeing what has
+been the general drift of events since last August when we first got
+here. But, on the other hand, neither I can't say that, considering
+everything, I'm actually overcome with joyfulness on Mr. Dallas'
+personal account.
+
+I can't keep from thinking to myself that he's fixing to marry himself
+off into a mighty different set of folks from the kind he was born and
+brung up amongst. And I can't keep from thinking what a sight of
+difference there is betwixt this here Miss DeWitt and Miss Henrietta
+Farrell, which, as I said before, he was courting her before we moved to
+New York. One of 'em sort of puts me in mind of a rosebud picked out of
+the garden in the dew of the morning and the other, which I means by
+that, Miss De Witt, reminds me of one of these here big pale magnolia
+blooms which has growed on the edge of a swamp. I ain't meaning no
+disrespect by having these thoughts; only I can't keep from having 'em.
+
+I reckon it's having them ideas floating round in my head which makes me
+study Mr. Dallas 'specially close that New Year's Eve. For all that he's
+laughing and joking and carrying on, I figures that way down deep
+insides of him he ain't entirely happy over what's come out. By my
+calculations, he ain't got the true feelings which a forthcoming
+bridegroom should have. As near as I can judge, he ain't hopeful so much
+as he's sort of resignated. Also and furthermore, likewise, he's got a
+kind of a puzzled-up beflusterated look on his face as if he'd been took
+up short by something he wasn't exactly expecting to happen so soon, if
+at all. It ain't exactly bewildedment and it ain't exactly
+distressfulness; but it's something that's distant kinsfolks to both of
+'em.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+_Oiled Skids_
+
+
+Anyway, that's that, as we says up here. I will now pass along to what
+comes to pass about two weeks later on. All along through them two weeks
+Mr. Dallas don't impress me like a young man should which he is starting
+out in the New Year full of good cheer and bright prospects. As the
+catch-word goes, he ain't at himself. At the breakfast table when I'm
+passing things to him he's often looking hard at nothing at all. It's
+plain his thoughts is far away and not so very happy in the place where
+they've strayed off to, neither.
+
+Well, on this particular day, which it is along toward the middle of the
+present month of January, he don't get home from down-town until long
+after dinner-time and when he does get in he don't scarcely touch a
+morsel to eat; he just pecks at the vittles. After dinner is over and
+the dishes washed up I passes through the hall on the way out, being
+bound for the Pastime Club to consultate with 'Lisses Petty touching on
+our own private affairs. Mr. Dallas had told me at dinner that I could
+have the evening off and there was not no reason why I should linger on.
+But as I passes the setting-room door I looks in and he's setting there,
+sort of haunched down in his chair, with his elbows resting on a little
+table and his face in his hands, seemingly mighty lonesome. Something
+seems to come over me and I steps in and I says to him, I says:
+
+"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, fur interruptin' yore ponderin's, but is they
+anythin' I kin do fur you befo' I goes on out?"
+
+He sort of starts and looks up at me, and if ever I sees miserableness
+staring forth from a person's eyes I sees it now. He speaks to me then
+and what he says hits me with a jolt. Because this is what he says:
+
+"Jeff, why is it that white people are forever committing suicide on
+account of their private worries but you never hear of a darky killing
+himself for the same reason?"
+
+I studies for a minute and then I says:
+
+"Well, Mr. Dallas, I reckin it's 'is yere way: A w'ite man gits hisse'f
+in trouble an' he can't seem to see no way to git shet of it. An' so he
+sets down an' he thinks an' he thinks an' he thinks, and after 'w'ile he
+shoots hisse'f. A nigger-man gits in trouble an' he sets down an' he
+thinks an' he thinks an' he thinks--an' after 'w'ile he goes to sleep!"
+
+He smiles the least little bit at that. But it is not no regulation
+smile--it's more like the ha'nting ghost of one.
+
+"But suppose you're brooding so hard you can't sleep?" he says.
+
+"I ain't never seen no nigger yit," I says, "but whut he could sleep ef
+the baid wuz soft 'nuff. They may not be many 'vantages in bein' black,
+the way the country is organized," I says, "but this is shore one place
+whar my culler has it the best."
+
+He don't say anything back at me. So after lingering a little bit I
+starts to move on out. And then another one of them inmost promptings
+leads me to speak again:
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "sometimes we kin lif' the load of our pestermints
+ef only we talks 'bout 'em to somebody else. Sometimes," I says, "it's
+keepin' 'em all corked up tight on the insides of us w'ich meks the
+burden bear down so heavy.... Wuz they anything else, suh, 'at you
+wished fur to ast me?"
+
+It seems like my words must have put a fresh notion in his head.
+
+"Jeff," he says, "you're right. I've got to confide in somebody--or else
+explode. Besides," he says, "I figure that if there is one person in all
+the five or six million people in this town who's likely to be a real
+friend to me, it's you. And while my talking to you probably can't do
+any good, it certainly can't do any harm."
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I is yore frien' an' yore desperit well-wisher,
+besides. Sence I been wukkin' fur you you shore is used me mouty kind. I
+ain't never had nary speck nur grain of complaint to find wid yore way
+of treatin' me. You's w'ite an' I is black," I says, "an' sometimes,
+seems lak to me, the two races is driftin' fu'ther apart day by day;
+but all that ain't henderin' me frum havin' yore bes' intrusts at heart.
+
+"An' so, suh, ef you feels lak givin' me yore confidences I'm yere to
+heed an' to hearken an' do my humble but level bes' fur to aid you, ef
+so be ez I kin."
+
+"I believe you," he says, "and I'm grateful to you.... Well, Jeff, to
+put it plainly, I've gone and got myself tangled up in a bad mess."
+
+"Whut way, suh?" I says.
+
+"In two ways," he says; "in business--and in another way. I've been an
+ass, Jeff--a blind, witless ass. This life here was so different from
+any I'd ever known--so different and so fascinating--that it just swept
+me off my feet. I've been drifting along with my eyes shut, having my
+fling, letting today take care of itself and with no thought of
+tomorrow. As I look back on it, it strikes me I always have been more or
+less of a drifter. Down yonder, among our own people, there always was
+somebody who'd step in once in awhile and check me up. But up here in
+this big selfish greedy town, among strangers, I've had nobody to
+advise me or to show me where I was making a fool of myself. And,
+believe me, I have made a fool of myself. I guess what I need is a
+guardian--only I doubt whether I'd find the money eventually to pay for
+his services.... Jeff, if I was free of these--these--well, these
+entanglements--I tell you right now I'd be willing to quit New York
+tomorrow and take the next train back home where I belong."
+
+He studies a minute and then he continues to resume:
+
+"Yes," he says, "I'd head for home in the morning--if I could. It has
+taken a hard jolt to open my eyes but, believe me, they're opened now.
+The chief trouble is, though, that even with them opened I can't see any
+way out of the tangle I'm in. Jeff, the big mistake I made at the start
+was that I tied up with the wrong outfit. I thought I was joining in
+with a group of typical successful live New Yorkers; I know now how
+wrong I was. There must be plenty of real people here--people who take
+life in moderation; people who are fair and kindly and reasonable;
+people who can find pleasure in simple things and who don't pretend to
+know all there is to know, or to be what they're not. But I haven't met
+them; I've been too busy running with the other kind."
+
+Down in my soul I says to myself there's a chance for him to pull out
+yet if he's beginning to see the brass-work shining through the gold
+plating which has so dazzled him up heretofores. Yes sir, if he's found
+out all by himself that New York City ain't exclusively and utterly
+composed of the Mr. H. C. Raynorses and the Mr. Hilary Bellowses and
+such, there certainly is hope for him still. All along, up to now, I've
+been saying to myself that it looks like the only future Mr. Dallas has
+to look forward to, is his past; but now I rejoices that he's done woke
+up from his happy trance. But of course I don't let on to him that such
+is my feelings. I merely says to him, I says:
+
+"I ain't the one to 'spute wid you on 'at p'int, suh. Naw suh, not me!
+But whut's the reason you can't pull out frum yere, ef you's a-mind
+to?"
+
+At that he lights in and the language just pours out from him like a
+flood. There's a lot of rigmarole about business, and some parts of this
+I cannot seem to rightly get the straight of it into my head, but I'm
+pretty sure I gets the hang of all the main points clear enough. To
+begin with, I learns now for the first time that him and Mr. Raynor
+ain't actually been selling oil down-town; they've been selling
+oil-stocks, which as near as I can figure it out, an oil-stock is the
+same kin to oil that a milk-ticket is to milk, only it's like as if the
+man which sells you the milk-tickets ain't really got no cows rounded up
+yet but trusts in due time he'll be able to do so. Still, if there is
+folks scattered about who's willing to take the risk that the milkman
+will amass some cows somewhere and that the cows won't go dry or die on
+him or be grabbed by the sheriff and thereby leave the customers with a
+lot of nice new onusable milk-tickets on their hands why, the way I
+looks at it, there ain't no reason why their craving for to invest
+should not be gratified.
+
+It seems, furthermore, that Mr. Raynor ain't actually been selling as
+many oil stocks in the general market as he has let on. Leastwise, that
+is what Mr. Dallas suspicions, even if he can't prove it. When first
+they went into partners together last August, Mr. Dallas tells me he put
+up a large jag of money for his half-interest. He was content to let Mr.
+Raynor manage the business and keep the run of the books and all that,
+seeing as how Mr. Raynor had the experience in such matters and he
+didn't. Anyhow, he felt most amply satisfied with the gratifying amounts
+which Mr. Raynor kept handing over to him, saying it all was from the
+profits. But this very day there's been a show-down at the office
+growing out of Mr. Raynor having called on him to put up another big
+chunk of cash for running expenses, and whilst all the figures and all
+the details ain't been made manifest to Mr. Dallas yet, he's got mighty
+strong reasons to believe there really wasn't no profits to speak of and
+that the money he's been drawing out all along was just his own money,
+which Mr. Raynor let him have it in order to keep him happy and
+contented whilst he was being sucked in deeper and deeper.
+
+And so now, Mr. Dallas says, that's how it stands. If he goes on and on
+along the way he seems to be headed it's only a question of time till
+all his money will be plumb drained from him. He tells me that he'd be
+willing to pull out now and take his losses and charge 'em up to the
+expenses of getting a Wall Street education only, he says, he can't. I
+asks him then what's the reason he can't? He says because when the
+papers was drawed up--by Mr. Raynor--he obligated himself in such a
+twistified way that it seems he's bound hard and fast to stick to the
+bitter end. Of course, he says, he might start a lawsuit and throw the
+whole thing into the courthouse, but, even so, he's afraid he wouldn't
+have a leg left to stand on by reason of his having tied himself up so
+tight in writing; and anyway, he says, before he got through with a
+lawsuit most doubtless the lawyers would have all the leavings.
+
+To myself I says there is still another reason. I knows how much it
+would hurt Mr. Dallas' pride to have all the folks down home finding out
+that he's made another disasterful move in business. By roundabout ways
+it has come to my ears that he's been writing letters back telling about
+how well he's doing up here in New York and now, if it should come out
+in the papers that he's made one more bad bustup on top of all them
+finance mistakes he committed before he come North, and he should have
+to go South again, broke and shamed at being broke, I reckons it would
+just about kill him. Besides which I knows full well from hearing Judge
+Priest talking in the past, that even in medium-sized towns lawyers is
+plenty costive persons to hire for an important lawsuit, and in the
+biggest town of all, where the lawyers naturally run bigger, they'd cost
+a mighty heap more.
+
+When he gets through specifying the situation I gets another notion:
+
+"I wonder," I says, sort of casual-like, "I wonder, Mr. Dallas, w'y it
+wuz 'at Mr. H. C. Raynor should a-picked this pertic'lar moment fur
+callin' on you fur a big bunch of cash, 'specially w'en ef he'd a-kept
+silence you'd a-prob'ly gone on wid him, never 'spicionin' anything wuz
+wrong?"
+
+"Oh, I'm not so stupid but what I can figure that out," he says. "He's
+afraid so much of my money will be spent soon in another direction that
+he'll be deprived of the lion's share of what is left. He wants to strip
+me down close while the stripping is good."
+
+"In 'nother direction?" I says, kind of musing. "I wonder whut 'at other
+direction kin be?"
+
+"Can't you guess?" he says.
+
+"Yas suh," I says, "I kin; but I didn' think 'twould be seemly fur me to
+start guessin' along 'at line widout you opened up the way fust."
+
+"Jeff," he says, "I feel like a low-down dog to be dragging in a woman's
+name, even indirectly; and so I guess the best thing I can do in that
+direction is to keep my mouth shut and take my medicine. It appears
+that here lately I've acquired the habit of committing myself to serious
+obligations at times when I'm not exactly aware of what I'm doing. At
+the moment, I don't seem to remember how it all comes about; then I wake
+up and I find I'm signed, sealed and delivered. I may be the damndest
+fool alive, but at least I'm an honorable fool. I was raised that way.
+Where my sense of personal honor is concerned I'm going to stick, no
+matter what the costs may be. I've been fed fat on flattery; now it's
+time for me to sup on sorrow awhile. Do you get my drift?"
+
+"Yas suh, I think I does," I says. "Mr. Dallas," I says, "'scuse me fur
+persumin' to keep on 'long 'is yere track, but is you right downright
+shore 'at you solemnly engaged yo'se'f in the holy bonds of wedlock to
+the lady in question?"
+
+"I suppose I did," he says. "I must have. She assumes to think
+so--everybody else assumes to think so. And yet, as Heaven is my judge,
+I never intended to lead anybody to believe that I wanted to make a
+marriage up here. It--it just happened, Jeff--that's all. I can see now
+how a lot of things have been happening and why. But what can I do to
+clear myself from either one of these two tangles? I've asked myself the
+question a hundred times since noon today and there's no answer. I can't
+lick Raynor at his own game; he's too wise; he's covered his prints too
+well. When I hinted at a lawsuit this afternoon he laughed in my face
+and told me to go ahead and sue. And, as for the other thing--well,
+unless I go through with it, against my will and my better judgment, it
+means a breach of promise suit, or I miss my guess. Besides, I still
+have some shreds of self-respect left. I can't deliberately try to break
+an engagement which, I suppose, I must have made in good faith."
+
+"S'posen' the lady herse'f wuz to up an' brek it on her own
+'sponsibility?" I says. He laughed kind of scornful.
+
+"No chance," he says; "no such luck for me! I've walked blindfolded into
+every trap that was set for me and now it's up to me to play the string
+out till the last penny is gone. At the present rate that shouldn't
+take long. But see here, Jeff, I wonder why I sit here unburdening my
+woes on you? I know you would help me if you could, but what can you do?
+What can anybody do?"
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you can't never tell. Sometimes the humblest
+he'ps out the greates'. Seems lak I heared tell 'at once't 'pon a time
+'twuz the gabblin's of a flock of geese w'ich saved one of these yere
+up-state towns--Utica, or maybe 'twas Rome. I don't rightly remember now
+whut 'twas ailed 'at town; mebbe 'twuz fixin' to go fur William Jinnin's
+Bryant?--somethin' lak 'at! Anyway, the geese gits the credit in the
+records fur the savin' of it. An' ain't you never read whur a mouse
+comes moseyin' 'long one time an' gnawed a lion loose frum the bindin'
+snares w'ich helt him? So, ez I says, you can't never tell. But I wonder
+would you do me a small favor? I wonder would you read a piece out of a
+su'ttin book ef I wuz to bring it to you out of the liberary, an' w'en
+you'd done 'at ef you would go on to baid an' try to compose yore min'
+an' git some needful sleep?"
+
+"What's the idea?" he says.
+
+"Nummine," I says. "Wait 'twell I fetches you the book."
+
+So I goes and gets it down from the shelf where it belongs. It's the
+furtherest one of a long row of big shiny black books, which all of them
+has got different names. But the name of this one is: _Vet to Zym_.
+
+He takes a look at it when I lays it before him, and he says:
+
+"Why, this is a volume of the Encyclopedia! What bearing can this
+possibly have on what we've just been talking about?"
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you's no doubt of'en seen ole Pappy Exall, w'ich
+he is the pastor of Zion Chapel, struttin' round the streets at home in
+times gone by? Well, the Rev'n. Exall may look lak one-half of a
+baby-elephant runnin' loose, but lemme tell you, suh, he ain't nobody's
+bawn fool. One time yere some yeahs back he got hisse'f into a kind of a
+jam wid his flock 'count of some of 'em bein' mos' onhighly dissatisfied
+wid the way he wuz handlin' the funds fur to buy a new organ fur the
+church. Nigh ez they could figger it out, he'd done confisticated the
+organ money to his own pussonal an' private pu'pposes. Try ez they mout,
+they couldn't nobody in the congregation git no satisfaction out of him
+reguardin' of it. So one evenin', unbeknownst to him, a investigatin'
+committee formed itse'f, an' whilst he was settin' at the supper-table
+they come bustin' in on him an' demanded then an' thar how 'bout it? Wid
+one voice they called on him to perduce an' perduce fast, else they
+gwine start yellin' fur the police. Wid that he jest rise up frum his
+cheer an' he look 'em right in the eye an' he say to 'em, very ca'mlak:
+'My pore bernighted brethren, in response to yore questions I directs
+yore prayerful considerations to Acts twenty-eighth an' seventeenth,
+also Timothy fust an' fifth, lakwise Kings sixth an' fust. Return to
+yore homes in peace an' read the messages w'ich is set fo'th in the
+'foresaid Scriptures an' return to me yere on the morrow fur fu'ther
+guidance.' Well, they all dashes off fur to dig up they Bibles an' see
+whut the answer is. Bright an' early next mawnin' they comes back to say
+'at w'ile them is mighty fine-soundin' verses w'ich he bade 'em to read,
+still they ain't nary one of 'em w'ich seems to relate in any way
+whutsomever to a missin' organ fund. Then he smiles sort of pitiful-lak
+an' he reaches his fat hand down in his britches pocket an' he hauls out
+the money to the las' cent. The trick w'ich he had done played on 'em
+had give him a chanc't to slip out an' borrow 'nuff frum a couple of
+w'ite gen'elmen frien's of his'n fur to mek up the shortage. Whut he
+needed wuz time an' time wuz whut he got.
+
+"Now, Mr. Dallas, I aims to borrow a lesson frum the example of ole
+Pappy Exall. I asts you to set yere an' read a chapter out of 'is yere
+book. It don't mek no diff'ence to me w'ich chapter 'tis you reads, jes'
+so it's a good long one. I done looked th'ough 'at book the other day
+an' most of the chapters in it is long an' all of 'em is tiresome. You
+jes' read 'twell you gits good an' sleepy an' 'en you go on to baid an'
+refresh yo'se'f in slumber. An' in the meanwhile I aims to steddy right
+hard over these yere pressin' matters of your'n an' see ef I can't see
+the daylight breakin' th'ough somewhars."
+
+I can tell by his looks that he ain't got no hope of success on my part,
+but he's so plumb wore out from worrying that he ain't got the spirit
+for to resist me. He says to me he won't promise to read the book, but
+he will promise to try to lay aside his botherments and go to bed early,
+which that is sufficient for me.
+
+I leaves him there and I goes back to my room, after telephoning to
+'Lisses Petty that something important has come up at our place which
+will detain me away from him for the time being. And then, when I gets
+to my room, I sets down and takes off my shoes. It seems like I always
+could think better when my feet was freed from them binding shoes.
+
+When a nigger boy is fixing to run his fastest he's got to snatch his
+hat off and sail bareheaded; and I'm much the same way about my feet
+when I craves to think. So, my shoes being off, I just rears back and
+sets in for to give the problems before me the fullest considerations.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+_Vet to Zym_
+
+
+The way it looks to me, here is Mr. Dallas Pulliam, one of the most
+free-hearted, good-willingest young white gentlemen that ever lived,
+about to be throwed to the raveling wolves. He's elected to be the live
+meat, with a two-sided race on to see which one of the contesters can
+pick and clean him the quickest. And so, if he's going to be saved for
+future references, something is got to be done and done mighty speedy,
+too, else there won't be nothing left but the polished bones.
+
+I therefore splits up my thinking into two parts; first I studies a
+spell about the one proposition and then I studies a spell about the
+other. To tell the truth, though, I don't need to have so very many
+concernings over the case of Mr. H. C. Raynor. I did not let on to Mr.
+Dallas what was passing through my mind, but at the very same instant
+when he turned to me for help after telling about the row down-town at
+the oil offices with Mr. Raynor, I hit spang on what might turn out to
+be proper medicine for what ails the gentleman. It ain't so very long,
+setting there in my room by myself, before the scheme begins to sort of
+routine itself out and look like something.
+
+With regards to him I'm going mainly on the facts that he's like a lot
+of these here Northerners which ain't never been down South to speak of,
+and is therefore got curious ideas about the South in general. Long time
+before this I has took note that he thinks a colored person naturally
+enjoys being called "a dam black rabbit" or "a worthless black
+scoundrel" whilst he's waiting on white folks. Also, he can't seem to
+get over my failing to say "Yas, Massa" and "No, Massa" when Mr. Dallas
+asks me a question; and I can tell he's kind of put out because I don't
+go round speaking of myself as "dis nigga" this and "dis nigga" that and
+"dis nigga" the other thing. In other words, I ain't living up to the
+character of the imaginary kind of a Southern-raised black man, which
+he's been led to expect I'd be from reading some of these here foolish
+writings which they gets out up here from time to time.
+
+I knows full well what his sensations is in these matters, not only from
+the look on his face, but from one or two things which I has overheard
+him saying in times past. So now I just puts two and two together, and I
+says to myself that if he's entertaining them misled ideas about my
+race, he doubtless is also got the notion in his head that every quality
+white gentleman from down South, and more especially them which hails
+from Kentucky, totes a pistol on the flank and is forever looking for a
+chance to massacrete somebody against which he's took a disfancy. I
+remembers now that he asked me once how many feuds there was going on in
+our part of the state at the present time. Rather than disappoint him, I
+tells him several small ones and one large one. And another time he
+wants to know from me whether they ever tried anybody in earnest for
+shooting somebody down our way. Secretively, at the time, I pities his
+ignorance, but I ain't undertaking to wean him from his delusions,
+because if that's his way of thinking it ain't beholden on me to try to
+educate him different. Looking back on it now, I'm mighty glad I didn't
+try neither, because in the arose situation I figures that his
+prevailing beliefs is going to fall right in with my plans.
+
+Inside of half an hour I is through with him and ready to tackle the
+other matter, which is a harder one, any way you look at it. I takes my
+head in both my hands and I says to myself: What kind of a lady is this
+here one we got to deal with? With her raisings, what does she probably
+like the best in the world? What does she probably hate the most in the
+world? What would scare her off and what would make her mad, and what is
+it would probably only just egg her on? What would she shy from, and
+what would she jump at? Where would she be reckless, and where would she
+be careful? And so on and so forth.
+
+All of a sudden--_bam_!--a notion busts right in my face. Casting round
+this way and that for a starter to go by, I recalls to mind what I heard
+Judge Priest norrating years ago touching on a funny will which a rich
+man in an adjoining county to ours drawed up on his death-bed, and how
+the row over it was fit out in the courts, and with that I says to
+myself, I says:
+
+"Hallelujah to my soul, ole problem, I shore does believe I's got you
+whar the wool is short--dog-gone me ef I don't!"
+
+It's getting on towards eleven o'clock when I puts my shoes back on and
+slips in to see what Mr. Dallas is doing. He's still setting right where
+I left him, with the book in front of him. But his eyes, seems to me, is
+beginning to droop a little. Well, there ain't nobody living could
+linger two hours over that there old _Vet to Zym_ without getting all
+drowsied up.
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I thinks the daylight is startin' to sift in
+th'ough the cloakin' clouds. I seems to see a bright streak, in fact a
+couple of streaks. But, even so, I is got to be lef' free to wu'k things
+out my own way. Is you agreeable, suh?"
+
+"Jeff," he says, "I'm in your hands. There's no one else into whose
+hands I can put myself. What do you want me to do?"
+
+"Well suh," I says, "first I wants you fur to go tek off yore things an'
+git yo'se'f settled in baid fur the night. Tha's the starter."
+
+"Agreed," he says--"and then, what?"
+
+"Well, next," I says, "I don't want you to go down-town a-tall tomorrow.
+I want you fur to stay right whar you now is. In the mawnin' keep 'way
+frum the telephone. Ef I ain't yere to answer it jes' you an' Koga let
+it ring its haid off an' don't pay it no mind. In the afternoon you may
+have a 'portant visitor answerin' to the entitlemints of Mr. H. C.
+Raynor, Esquire. Befo' he gits yere tell you whut's to come off betwixt
+you two, purvided the perliminary 'rangemints, ez conducted by me, has
+wukked out all right. But I ain't aimin' to tell you the full plans
+yit--too much is got to happen in the meantime. Tomorrow is plenty
+time."
+
+"Just as you say," he says. "I'm going to my room now."
+
+"Wait jes' one minute, please suh," I says, as he gets up. "Mr. Dallas,
+you ain't ownin' no pistol, is you?"
+
+"What would I be doing with a pistol?" he says, sort of puzzled. "I
+never owned one in my life--I don't believe I ever shot one off in my
+life." Then a kind of a shamed smile comes onto his face. "Why Jeff," he
+says, "you aren't taking seriously what I said early tonight about
+suicides, are you? You needn't worry--I'm not thinking of shooting
+myself yet awhile."
+
+"I ain't worryin' 'bout 'at," I says; "I ain't figgerin' on you shootin'
+yo'se'f, neither I ain't figgerin' on yore havin' to shoot nobody else.
+Never'less, though," I says, "an' to the contrary notwidstandin', sence
+you ain't got no pistol, you's goin' to have one befo' you is many hours
+older--a great big shiny fretful-lookin' one."
+
+"What am I to do with it after I get it?" he says.
+
+"Mr Dallas," I says, "please, suh, go on to bed lak you promised me. I
+got a haidache now, clear down to the quick, jes' frum answerin' my own
+questions."
+
+I speaks this to him just like he is a little boy and I is his nurse.
+And off he goes, just like a wore-out, desponded, onhappy little boy.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+_Lady-Like!_
+
+
+As I looks back on it now, after the passing of two weeks or so, it
+seems to me I never traveled so fast and covered so much ground in all
+my born days as I did on the next day following immediately along after
+this here night before. For awhile you just naturally couldn't see me
+for the dust.
+
+In the first place, right after breakfast-time, I glides out and I
+scoots up-town and I puts up ten dollars for security and thereby I
+borrows the loan of one of his extra spare revolvers off of a
+yellow-complected person named Snake-Eye Jamison, which it is his habit
+to go round the colored districts recommending himself as the coroner's
+friend and acting very gunnery towards parties that he gets dissatisfied
+with. I don't know how many folkses he's killed in his life, but he
+must bury his dead where they falls, because I ain't never had none of
+the gravestones pointed out to me. But, anyway, he goes heeled on both
+hips at all times. But I makes him onload her before he turns her over
+to me, because I is not taking no chances on having that thing going off
+accidental and maybe crippling somebody. I totes this here large and
+poisonous-looking chunk of dark-blue hardware back to the apartment and
+stores it in a safe place where I can put my hand upon it on short
+notices.
+
+Then I waits till Mr. Dallas is in the bathroom with the water running
+so as to hide the sound of my voice, and I goes to the telephone and I
+calls up Miss Bill-Lee's[3] number over on Riverside Drive.
+
+She must've rose early so as to have her complexion laid on so it'll get
+set good before she goes out for the day; because it's her which answers
+my call instead of the maid.
+
+I tells her it's me on the wire and I asks her, as a special favor, can
+I run over to her flat as soon as it's agreeable, to speak to her on a
+very important matter? She says yes, so eager-like it must be she's
+expecting I'm fetching a present from Mr. Dallas same as I has done
+quite often before this. She says I can come at ten o'clock.
+
+Ten o'clock and I'm at the door. She's in her sitting-room waiting for
+me. She looks sort of disappointed when she sees I ain't brought along
+no flowers nor no candy nor no jewelry-box nor nothing with me; but she
+welcomes me very kindly. I don't lose no time getting going.
+
+"Miss DeWitt," I says, making my voice as winning as I can, "now 'at you
+an' Mr. Dallas is fixin' to git married to one 'nother I been wonderin'
+'bout what's goin' become of me in the shuffle. I 'preciates 'at he laks
+me fuss-rate; but he idolizes you so deeply 'at I knows he wouldn't keep
+on keepin' me nur nobody else round him widout he wuz shore 'at you
+laked 'em, too. Tha's what's been worryin' me--the question whether you
+felt disposed agreeable to me? An' so, after broodin' over the matter
+fur goin' on it's nearly a week, I finally has tuck the liberty of
+comin' to speak to you 'bout it. Yassum!"
+
+"Jefferson," she says kind of indifferent and yet not hostile, "I have
+nothing against you--in fact I rather like you. If your services are
+satisfactory to Dallas I shall have not the slightest objection to his
+keeping you on as his servant."
+
+"Thanky, ma'am," I says, "hearin' you say 'at frum yore own lips
+su'ttinly teks a big load offen my mind. I strives ever to please.
+'Sides, I got a mighty winnin' way wid chillen. I'll come in handy w'en
+it comes to he'pin' out wid the nursin' an' all lak 'at."
+
+She sets up straight from where she's been kind of half-laying down and
+some of that chain-gang jewelry of hers gives a brisk rattle.
+
+"Children!" she says, plenty startled. "What in the world are you
+talking about?"
+
+I answers back like I'm expecting of course she'll understand.
+
+"W'y," I says, "the chillen w'ich enshores 'at Mr. Dallas don't lose out
+none in the final cuttin' up of the estate," I says.
+
+By now she's rose bolt upright on her feet. All that languidsome manner
+is fled from her, and her voice is sharper than what I ever has heard it
+before.
+
+"What's that?" she says, quite snappy. "What's that you are saying? Do
+you mean to tell me that Dallas has been married before--that he has a
+child, or more than one child, hidden away somewhere?"
+
+"Oh, nome," I says, very soothing, "nuthin' lak 'at. 'Course Mr. Dallas
+ain't never been married--up 'twell now he's practically been
+heart-whole an' fancy-free. Yassum! I wuz merely speakin'--ef you'll
+please, ma'am, 'scuse me--of the chillen, w'ich natchelly 'll be comin'
+long ez purvided fur onder the terms of the ole gen'elman's will, you
+know. Tha's all I meant."
+
+"Will!" she says. "What will? Whose will? Here, you, give me the
+straight of this thing! I haven't the faintest idea what it's all
+about."
+
+"Now!" I says, acting like I'm overcome with a sudden great regret.
+"Ain't that jes' lak me, puttin' my big foot in it, gabblin' 'bout
+somethin' w'ich it ain't none of my affairs? Most doubtless, Mr. Dallas,
+he's been savin' it all up ez a happy surprise fur you. An' now, in my
+innocence an' my ign'ence, I starts blabbin' it fo'th unbeknowst. Lemme
+git out of yere, please ma'am, 'fore I gits myse'f in any deeper 'en
+whut already I is in!"
+
+She comes sailing across the floor right at me. Them big floating black
+eyes of hers seems to get smaller and sharper until they bores into me
+the same as a pair of sharp gimblets.
+
+"You stay right where you are," she says, commanding as a
+major's-general. "You don't leave this room until I get this mystery
+straightened out."
+
+"Please, ma'am, I'd a heap ruther you spoke to Mr. Dallas 'bout it," I
+says, pretending to be pleading hard. "No doubt in due time he'll
+confide to you all 'bout the way the property is tied up an' 'bout his
+paw's views ez 'spressed in the will, an' also 'bout the way the matter
+stands betwixt him an' his twin brother, Mr. Clarence, an' all the rest
+of it."
+
+"Twin brother!" she says, and by now she's been jolted so hard she's
+mighty near to the screeching point. "Where is this twin brother? I
+never heard of him--never dreamed there was such a person. Say, are you
+crazy or am I?"
+
+"W'ich 'at do settle it!" I says, very lamentful. "Ef Mr. Dallas ain't
+told you 'bout his twin brother neither, it suttinly is a shore sign to
+me 'at he wuz aimin' to purserve ever'thing ez a precious secret frum
+you fur the time bein'. I 'spects he'll jest more'n snatch me
+ball-haided fur this, Miss DeWitt. Please, ma'am, don't say nothin' to
+him 'bout my havin' give you the tip, will you?"
+
+"I don't want tips," she says, "I want facts. And I'm going to have them
+here and now--and from you! If you want to get out of here with a whole
+skin you'll quit your vague mumblings about wills and children and
+estates and twin brothers that I never heard of before, and you'll tell
+me in plain words the entire story, whatever it is, that has been held
+back from me so carefully. You tell it beginning to end!"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "jest ez you wishes, ma'am." I tries to make my voice
+sound like I'm scared half to death, which it don't call for no great
+amount of putting-on on my part neither, because she has done shed all
+her laziness and all her silkiness and all her smoothness same as a
+blue-racer sheds his skin in the spring of the year, and she's done
+bared her real het-up dangersome self before me. "Jest ez you wishes," I
+says, "only I do trus' an' pray at you'll purtec' me frum Mr. Dallases'
+wrath w'en he finds out I done spilt ever'thin' so premanture-lak."
+
+"Forget it!" she says. "It strikes me I'm the one who needs protection
+if anybody does. Now, without any more dodging or ducking you give me
+the truth, understand? No original embroidery of your own, either--the
+cold truth, all of it! And if I find out afterwards that you've been
+holding back a single detail from me----!"
+
+With that she stops short and pins me with them eyes of hers. I can't
+hardly keep from flinching back from before her. If she was a hornet
+it'd be high time to start one of the hands off to the nearest drugstore
+after the soothing ointments, because somebody certainly would be due to
+get all stung up. Rejoiceful though I is inside of me to see how nice
+she's grabbed at all the hints which I has flung out to her like
+fishing-baits, one after another, I'd be almost as glad if I was outside
+that room talking to her through the keyhole. But it's shore dependent
+on me to set easy and keep on play-acting and not make no slips. Things
+is going well, but they has got to go still better yet if she's to
+swallow down the main dose.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[3] Note.--It has just dawned upon Jeff's volunteer amanuensis that
+throughout the preceding pages of this narrative, Jeff's more or less
+phonetic rendering of this word was an effort on his part to deal with
+the Gallicized pronunciation of an English diminutive for a common
+proper name, to wit: _Billy_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+_Sable Plots_
+
+
+So I spreads out both my hands like as if I'm plumb cowed down and
+licked, and then I starts in handing out to her the yarn which I'd spent
+half the night before piecing it together in my mind. It's a mighty nice
+kind of romancing, if I do say so, and full of plausibleness, 'specially
+that part of it which is built up on what I remembers the old judge
+having told me about the curious case which come up that time in one of
+the adjoining counties. But the rest of it, including the most fanciest
+touches, such as Mr. Clarence and the old maiden-lady aunt and the two
+sets of triplets and all, has been made up to order right out of my own
+head, and I asks credit.
+
+And now, whilst I'm setting there telling it to her and watching her
+close to see how she's taking it, I'm praying to the Good Lord, asking
+Him will He please, Master, forgive me for onloading such a monstrous
+pack of what-ain't-so on an onsuspecting and worked-up lady. And at the
+same time I'm hoping the spirit of Mr. Dallases' dear departed father,
+which he was one of the nicest, quietest old gentlemen that ever
+breathed, won't come ha'nting me for low-rating his memory so
+scandalous. I knows full well he must be turning over in the grave
+faster and faster every minute which passes. I only can trust he don't
+see fit to rise from it.
+
+"Miss DeWitt," I says, "lissen, please, an' you shell know all: You see,
+ma'am, ever'thin' in this connection dates back to the time w'en Mr.
+Dallases' paw made his dyin' will some six or seven yeahs ago. 'Course,
+as you doubtless has learned befo' now, he lef' the bigges' part of the
+estate tied up."
+
+"I don't know any such thing," she says, breaking in again and even more
+savage-like than before. "Do you mean to tell me Dallas is not the sole
+master of his own property?"
+
+I sort of stammers and hesitates like I'm astonished that she don't know
+that part of it, neither. My hanging back only makes her yet more fierce
+to hear the rest.
+
+"Wellum," I goes on to say when finally I sees she's liable to blow
+clean up if I delays further, "the real facts of the case is 'at he
+ain't actually got no property a-tall, ez you mout say. He only draws
+down one-ha'f the intrust frum it. He don't get nigh ez much income,
+neither, ez whut folkses mout think frum his free way of spendin' his
+money right an' lef'. Ez a matter of fact, an' in the strictes'
+confidences, Miss DeWitt," I says, "he is mos' gin'elly alluz in debt to
+the trustees by reason of him bein' overdrawed. But, course," I says,
+"'at part of it ain't neither yere nor thar, is it? Ef Mr. Dallas wants
+to slather his money 'bout so fast that ever' dollar he spends looks to
+outsiders lak it's ten or twelve, tha's his bus'ness. Lemme git back on
+the main track. Le's see, now? I wuz specifyin' to you 'bout the will,
+wuzn' I?
+
+"Well, it's lak this: W'en folkses down our way heared the terms of the
+will they wuz a heap of 'em said the old gen'elman's mind must a-went
+back on him in his last sickness fur him to be layin' down any sech
+curious 'quiremints ez them wuz. Yassum, some even went fu'ther 'en 'at.
+Some went so fur ez to say it wuz the streak of onsanity w'ich runs in
+the Pulliam fambly croppin' out ag'in in a fresh place."
+
+"Oh, so it's insanity now!" she says. "The longer you talk the more
+interesting things I learn. Go on--go on!"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "I'm goin'. Yassum, they wuz quite a host of folkses
+w'ich come right out an' said Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence, ary one or
+both of 'em, would be amply justified in contestin' the will on the
+grounds 'at the late lamentable wuz out of his haid at the time he
+drawed it up. But no, ma'am, not them two! I figgers they knowed they
+own dear paw well 'nuff to know the idee w'ich he toted in his mind.
+'Sides w'ich, all the members of that fambly is sort of techy on the
+subjec' of the lil' trickle of onsanity 'at flows in the blood, w'ich, I
+reckin, they natchelly is to be 'scused fur that. An' ef one or the
+other of 'em went to the big cotehouse tryin' to bust up the will on
+the claim 'at the ole gen'elman didn't rightly know whut he wuz doin'
+to'des the last, it'd only quicken up the talk 'bout the craziness
+strain. An' so, on 'count of the Pulliam pride an' all, they jes' lef'
+it stand lak it wuz. An' 'en, on top of 'at, Mr. Clarence he turned sort
+of onsatisfactory in the haid an' he strayed off an' wuzn' heared of
+ag'in till yere recently. An' 'en, soon ez Mr. Clarence wuz found, Mr.
+Dallas he come on up yere an' you an' him met an'----"
+
+"In Heaven's name, quit drooling and get somewhere," she says, making
+her words pop like one of these here whip-lashes. "What did the will
+say?"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "yassum, I jest is reached 'at p'int, now. The will
+say 'at the estate is to be helt in trust fur the time bein' an' 'en
+w'en the two sons comes of age they is free to marry, only they is both
+bound to marry somebody or other befo' they reaches they twenty-fif'
+birthday. An' the one w'ich has the most chillen to his credit at the
+end of five yeahs frum his weddin' day, he gits the main chunk of the
+prop'ty, whilst the other is cut down to jest----"
+
+"The most children?" she says; only by now she's saying it so savigrous
+that she practically is yelling it. "The most----?"
+
+"Yassum," I says, "tha's it--the most chillen. You see, ma'am, they
+seems to run to chillen, someway, the Pulliamses does. When a Pulliam
+gits married, look out fur baby-carriages, tha's all. They don't seem to
+have chillen by driblets, neither, lak some people does. They is more
+apt to have 'em by triplets. They is two complete sets of triplets on
+record in times gone past, an' ever' generation kin be depended on to
+perduce at leas' one set of twins.
+
+"Or even more! Now, f'rinstances, you tek Mr. Dallas an' Mr.
+Clarence--both twins. Tek they father befo' 'em an' they maiden aunt,
+Miss Sarah Pulliam, deceasted--twins some mo'. Only, you never heared
+much 'bout Miss Sarah in her lifetime owin' to her bein' kep' onder
+lock an' key fur spasms of a kind of wildness comin' over her now an'
+then. Then ag'in, amongst Mr. Dallases' own brothers an' sisters, tek
+his two lil' twin sisters, not to mention the four or five singles w'ich
+come 'long right stiddy an' reg'lar. Yassum, it's been 'at way in the
+famby fur ez fur back ez the oldest inhabitant kin remember.
+
+"But the gineration w'ich Mr. Dallas belongs to, it turned out sickly
+fur the most part, an' so, by the time the ole gen'elman come to die,
+all his chillen had died off on him, 'scusin' Mr. Dallas an' Mr.
+Clarence, w'ich them two wuz all they wuz left out of a big swarm. Oh, I
+jedges the paw knowed whut he wuz 'bout! I reckin he craved 'at his
+breed should once more multiply freely an' replenish the earth wid a
+whole multitude of lil' Pulliamses. An' so he purvided fur a healthy
+competition betwixt his two sons to see----"
+
+"Wait!" she says. "Let me see if I understand you? You say that by the
+terms of that old maniac's will the bulk of his estate was tied up so to
+go eventually to the son who had the most children five years after
+marriage. Well, then, what does the remaining son--the loser--get?"
+
+"He gits a hund'ed an' fifty dollars a month fur life--I think tha's
+whut it come to," I says. "Mebbe it mout be a hund'ed an' sebenty-five,
+I won't be shore. An' he also draws down fifty dollars a month extry fur
+each chile he's got livin'. But tha's all. The home place an' the
+tobacco bus'ness an' the money in the bank an' all else, they goes to
+the winner, onlessen each one, at the end of them five yeahs is got a
+ek'el number of chillen in w'ich case the estate is divided even-stephen
+betwixt 'em. Yassum!"
+
+"Then why didn't both brothers marry as soon as they came of age?" she
+asks me, sort of suspicious. But I was expecting that very question to
+come forth sooner or later, and I was prepared beforehand for it.
+
+"Wellum," I says, "you see, I reckin Mr. Dallas figgered they wuzn' no
+need to be in a rush seein' 'at Mr. Clarence wuz so kind of
+ondependable. Ef the truth must be knowed, Mr. Clarence wuz downright
+flighty. He had spells w'en he'd furgit his own name an' go wanderin'.
+Yassum! An' right after he come of age he took a 'specially severe spell
+an' he sauntered so fur away they plum' lost track of him. It wasn't
+'twell last July 'at he wuz located ag'in. It seems lak he'd been
+detained somewhars out West in a sort of a home whar they keeps folks
+w'ich is liable to fits of chronic oneasiness in the haid. But now,
+suddenly, his refreshed memory had come back to him an' the doctors
+pernounced him cured an' turned him loose ag'in; an' the latest word wuz
+'at he wuz thinkin' 'bout gittin married down in Texas or one of 'em
+other distant places, out yonderways. So Mr. Dallas must a-realized 'at
+'twuz up to him to stir his stumps an' git hisse'f married off, too;
+'specially ez he had done passed his twenty-fo'th birthday the month
+befo'. Well, seemed lak, he couldn't find no young lady down home w'ich
+wuz suitable to his fancies, although some folks did say, quiet-lak, 'at
+they wuz a local prejudice springin' up on the part of parents ag'inst
+havin' they daughters marryin' him. But betwixt you an' me, ma'am, I
+never tuk no stock in 'at, 'cause most of the time Mr. Dallas is jest ez
+rationable ez whut you an' me is. It's only w'en he gits excited 'at he
+behaves a lil' peculiar-lak. Well, anyways, Mr. Dallas he come on up
+yere an' he met you. So now it looks lak ever'thing is goin' turn out
+all right, an' mebbe we'll beat out Mr. Clarence after all, in w'ich
+case Mr. Dallas won't have to be worryin' at the end of five yeahs 'bout
+whar he's gain' to rake up the cash to pay back the money w'ich he's
+overdrawed out of the estate, nur nuthin'. So that's how come me to
+mention chillen w'en I fust come in, ma'am. An' I trusts you
+understan's?"
+
+And with that I smiles at her like I'm expecting that now, seeing she
+knows all the tidings, she'll be jubilated over the prospects, too.
+
+But she ain't smiling--I lay she ain't got a smile left in her entire
+system. She's mighty nigh choking, but it ain't no happy emotion that
+she's choked up with; if you was a blind man you could a-told that much
+from the sounds she's making. She's saying things fast and furious.
+Remarks is just foaming from her; but the trouble is she keeps on
+getting her statements all jumbled up together so they don't make good
+sense. And yet, notwithstanding, I still can follow her thoughts. I
+catches the words: "_most_ children"--she duplicates that several
+times--and "twins" and "triplets" and "insanity" and "one hundred and
+fifty dollars a month." And all mixed in with this is loose odds and
+ends of language which seems to indicate she thinks somebody has been
+withholding something back on her or trying to take an unfair advantage
+of her, or something. She certainly is in a swivit. A little more and
+she'd be delirious--she would so!
+
+All of a sudden she flings herself out of the room, with her necklaces
+and things clashing till she sounds like a runaway milk-wagon, and she
+makes for the telephone in the hall, and I can hear her trying very
+frantic to get our number rung up. For a minute my heart swarms up in
+my throat; anyhow, some of my organs swarms up there where I can taste
+'em. I'm so afraid Mr. Dallas may forget his promise to me and come to
+the 'phone! If he does, the whole transaction is liable to be busted up
+just when I've strove so hard to fix everything nice and lovely. That's
+why my heart climbs up in my windpipes. But after a little bit I can
+breathe easy some more because it's plain, from what I overhears, that
+Central tells her she can't get no responsives from the other end of the
+wire. So then, after one or two more tries, she gives up trying and she
+comes back into the setting-room, still spilling mumbling words, but
+"children" continues to be the one she seems to favor the most, and she
+says to me that she has a message to send to Mr. Dallas, which she wants
+me for to take it to him.
+
+Still playing my part, I says to her I truly hopes there ain't going to
+be nothing in the message which will put Mr. Dallas in a bad humor with
+me. But she don't appear to hear my pleading voice. She's already set
+down over at a little writing-desk in the corner, and she's got a pen
+in her hand and she's writing away like a house on fire. The pen is
+squeaking the same as if it was in torment, and them five or six
+bracelets on her arm is clinking sweet music to my ear. I ain't no
+seventh son of a seventh gun, which they tells me they has the gift of
+prophecy laid upon them at birth, nor yet I ain't no mind-reader, but,
+even so, I says to myself that I don't need but one guess at the true
+nature of what 'tis she's writing.
+
+She gets through quite soon--there's only just one single sheet of
+paper, and she folds it up and creases it hard like she's trying to mash
+it in two, and she jams it in an enveloper and seals the enveloper and
+shoves it into my waiting hand, and she says to me:
+
+"There! Now you take this note to the man you work for, immediately!"
+
+"Yassum," I says; "is they any answer to come back?"
+
+"Answer?" she says, "No--no--_no_--NO!"
+
+So I goes right out, leaving her still saying it at the top of her
+voice. It seems to me it's high time to go, if not higher. Besides,
+it's mighty hard trying to carry on a conversation with an
+overwrought-up lady which she has only got one word left in stock, which
+that one is a little short word like "No."
+
+So I takes my foot in my hand and I marvils thence from there fast as
+ever my willing legs can take me. And as I goes along on my way,
+speeding 'cross-town bound for our quarters, I'm trying to think of a
+stylish word which in times gone by I has heard some of the white folks
+use as a pet name for a note from one loving soul to another. Pretty
+soon it comes to me--_billet doux_!
+
+I stops right still where I is at:
+
+"Bill-Lee do, huh?" I says to myself. "Yas, sometimes Bill-Lee do. But
+this time--glory, hallelujah, amen!--Bill-Lee do not!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+_White Hopes_
+
+
+When you is engaged in going to and fro in the world doing good deeds
+you certainly can cover a surpassing lot of ground in a short time. It's
+striking ten when I knocks at the lady's door; it ain't eleven yet, by
+the lacking of a few minutes, when I is home again and has handed over
+the note to Mr. Dallas and is watching his face whilst he reads it. He's
+got one of these here open faces, and I can tell, easy enough, exactly
+what thoughts goes through his mind. Mostly he's full of a great
+relief--that's plain to see--but mixed in with it is a faint kind of a
+lurking regretfulness that she should a-broke loose from him so abrupt
+this-a-way. If folks has got the least crumb of vanity in 'em it shows
+forth when a love affair is going to pieces on 'em. And Mr. Dallas is
+not no mite different in this matter from the run of creation. Even so,
+he's displayed more joysomeness than anything else when it comes to the
+end of what she's wrote him. He reaches out after my hand for to shake
+it good and hard and hearty.
+
+"Jeff," he says, "my hat's off to you--you're the outstanding wonder of
+the century. I judge it's hardly necessary for me to tell you what's in
+this note?"
+
+"I been able," I says, "to mek my own calculations, suh. I reckins ef I
+wuz put to it, I could guess."
+
+"How did you ever succeed in doing it?" he says.
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "the main p'int is 'at it's done--ain't 'at so,
+suh?"
+
+"Agreed," he says; "but there are hints here--hints is a mild word--at
+things I don't in the least understand. Now, for example----"
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "ast me no questions, please suh, an' I'll tell
+you no lies. Lyin' don't come natchel to me, ez you knows--I has to
+strain fur it."
+
+"Very well," he says, "have it your own way; I won't press you. The
+proof is in my hand that you accomplished what you set out to do; and
+seeing that I had no part or parcel in it I figure it's up to me to show
+less curiosity and more gratitude."
+
+"Nummine the gratitudes part yit aw'ile," I says. "Us is got a heap more
+to 'complish 'fore the sun goes down tonight. It's only jest a part of
+the load w'ich is been lifted--bear 'at in mind, suh. The case of Mr. H.
+C. Raynor is yit remainin' to be 'tended to."
+
+"You've already shown me what you can do, even though I'm left in the
+dark, as to the exact methods you use in these big emergencies," he
+says. "I'm still following your lead. What comes next?"
+
+All through this he's been walking up and down the floor like he was
+drilling for the militia. So I induces him for to set down and be still,
+and I proceeds to specify further.
+
+I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas," I says, "these here chronic Noo Yawkers is funny
+people--some of 'em. 'Cause they knows they own game they thinks they
+ain't no other games wu'th knowin'. 'Cause they thinks the Noo Yawk way
+of doin' things must be the only suitable way, they don't concern
+theyselves 'bout the way an outsider mout tackle the same proposition.
+To be so bright ez they is in some reguards, they is the most ign'ent in
+others ever I seen. Now, 'cordin' to my notions, w'en you gits 'em on
+strange ground, w'en you flings a novelty slam-bang in they faces, they
+ain't got no ways an' means figgered out fur meetin' it an' they's
+liable to git all mommuxed up an' swep' right off they feet."
+
+"Jeff," he says, "you have gifts which I never fully appreciated before.
+You are not only a philosopher but a psychologist as well."
+
+"Boss," I says, "you does me too much honor. So fur ez I knows, I ain't
+nary one of them two things w'ich you jest called me. I only merely
+strives fur to use the few grains of common-sense w'ich the Good Lawd
+give me, tha's all 'tis. Tubby shore, I got one 'vantage on my side: I
+kin look at w'ite folkses' affairs frum a cullid stan'p'int whar'as
+they kin only look at 'em frum they own. Ef the shoe wuz on t'other foot
+you doubtless could he'p me; but in the present case it's possible I kin
+he'p you. I's on the outside lookin' in, whilst you is on the inside
+lookin' out, ez you mout say; so mebbe I kin 'scover things w'ich you'd
+utterly overlook. The fly be-holes whut 'scapes the elephant's eye an'
+the minner gives counsel to the whale. Mebbe I ain't gittin' the words
+routined right fur to 'spress my meanin's, but, even so, I reckin you
+gits my drift, don't you, suh?"
+
+"I follow you perfectly, with an ever-increasing admiration," he says.
+"Go ahead. This look like our lucky day anyhow--let's press the luck!"
+
+"Yas suh," I says. "Now, f'rinstances," I says, "you tek the 'foresaid
+Mr. H. C. Raynor. Wen you spoke to him of lawsuits yistiddy he mouty
+nigh laffed in yore face, didn't he? Well, 'at shows he ain't got no
+dread of lawsuits. Prob'ly he's been mixed up in 'em befo'; most
+doubtless he knows the science of lawsuitin' frum the startin'-tape to
+the home-stretch. An' lakwise he'd have the bulge on you w'en it come to
+makin' figgers wu'k out lak he wanted 'em to, so he'd 'pear to be inside
+his rights an' you'd 'pear to be on the wrong side of the docket. I
+persume he's had a 'bundance of 'sperience in sech matters, w'ich you
+ain't. He knows his own system an' he knows you don't know it, w'ich
+fortifies him yit fu'ther. All right, suh, so much fur that. But
+s'posen, now, on the other hand, we wuz to layway him an' jump out of
+ambushmint at him wid a brand-new notion? I jedges he ain't got no
+rippertation to speak of, so losin' whut lil' scraps of it he mout have
+left wouldn't keep him 'wake nights worryin', 'specially effen he'd
+already salted away the cash w'ich he craved. But he do own somethin'
+w'ich he prizes most highly or elsewise I misses my guess--he's got a
+skin w'ich he's managed some way, by hook, or crook, to keep it whole up
+to now. An' ef right out of a clear sky he suddenly wuz faced wid
+prospect of havin' it all punctured up in mebbe fo', five, or six
+places, I figgers he mout start singin' a diff'unt song frum the one
+w'ich at the present 'pears to be his fav'rit' selection.
+
+"There's just one thing more," I says, "Prob'ly it's 'scaped yore
+'tention, Mr. Dallas, but I's been steddyin' Mr. H. C. Raynor off an' on
+an' I has took note 'at he's got some very curiousome idees in his haid
+'bout the kind of folkses you an' me is. Didn't it never occur to you,
+suh, 'at he thinks practically all Southern w'ite gen'elmen is a heap
+more hot-haided an' fiery-blooded 'en whut the run of 'em really is?
+Didn't it never occur to you frum his talk, 'at he figgers 'at most
+ev'ry thorough-bred Kintuckian is prone to settle his argumints wid
+fo'ty-fo' calliber ca'tridges? Well, I's read his thoughts 'long them
+lines, even ef you ain't, an' I'm shore I got him placed right. Tha's
+whut I'm countin' on now, suh," I says; "tha's whar'in lays our maindest
+dependince. Does you see whut I'm aimin' at, suh? Or does you don't?"
+
+He ain't needing to answer. His face is beginning to light up and his
+eyeballs is starting to dance in his head. So I knows the time is come
+for me to cease from preambling and get right down to cases. Which I
+accordingly does so.
+
+I tells him the greatest part of what I aims to do. I tells him what-all
+he's to do. I tells him what 'll be the signal for him to bust into the
+picture. I tells him how he should deport hisself after he's done so. I
+can tell him what should be done up to a certain point, but, past that,
+as I says to him, he'll just have to let Nature take its coarseness.
+
+I labors over him until I can tell he's getting his mad up--his hands
+begins to twitch a little and his jaw sort of locks and there's a kind
+of a reckless spunky look stealing onto his expression. That suits me. I
+wants him to be even more nervous than what he is now when the
+performance starts--the nervouser he is the better for our purposes.
+
+When his dander is worked up to suit and getting more worked-up and more
+danderish every minute, I leaves him there and I goes out into the hall
+and I rings up the oil office. One of the help answers to my call and I
+tells him to please get Mr. Raynor on the line right speedy. In about a
+minute his voice comes to me over the wire.
+
+"Hello!" he says, very sharp-like, "hello!--who is it?"
+
+"Mr Raynor," I says, "this yere is Jeff Poindexter, speakin' fur Mr.
+Dallas. He desires 'at you will please run on up yere to our place soon
+ez you kin git yere. He ain't seemin' to be hisse'f today an' so he
+ain't aimin' to come down-town. In fac', right now he's layin' down, but
+he p'intedly insists on seein' you 'mediately. He says it's most highly
+important. 'At's the message he tells me fur to convey, suh."
+
+"Well," he says, sort of grumbling, "it's getting on toward my
+lunch-time; but I suppose I could come. Tell him I'll be there in
+half-an-hour from now."
+
+"Yas suh," I says, "thanky suh.... Hole on, Mr. Raynor; they's jest one
+thing else." And now I lets my voice slink down, sort of cautious-like.
+"Mr. Raynor," I says, "I done deliver Mr. Dallases' word to you--now I
+wishes fur to say a lil somethin' on my own 'count. W'en you gits yere,
+please suh, come straight on up to the 'partmint widout bein' 'nounced
+frum downstairs an' walk right on in widout knockin' or ringin' the
+bell--the do' 'll be onlatched. I'll be waitin' fur you in the privit
+hall to 'scort you into the front room. I craves to speak wid you a
+minute, jest by ourselves."
+
+"What's the big idea?" he says.
+
+"I can't 'splain over the 'phone by reason 'at I mout be over-heared," I
+says; "but I allus has lakked you, suh, frum the fust--an' mebbe I mout
+give you a few p'inters 'at you sh'd oughter know befo'hand."
+
+"Oh, I see," he said. "There's been some loose talking going on up there
+and you've heard something you think might interest me, eh? Fine and
+dandy! Well, Jeff, you're wise to line up with me--it shows you've got
+sense. You won't lose by it, either. I'm always willing to pay the top
+market-price for valuable inside information."
+
+"Yas, suh," I says, "thanky, suh--'at's partially whut I wuz figgerin'
+on. I'll be hoverin' 'bout on the look-out fur you, suh, 'cause it
+shorely is mouty essential----"
+
+Right here I breaks off sudden, like as if I'd suddenly got scared that
+I might be eavesdropped on or interrupted or something.
+
+Well, the fruitful seed has done been planted. Almost before I has time
+to hang up and get up from that there telephone it seems like to me I
+can feel 'em organizing to sprout under my feet.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+_Pistol Plays_
+
+
+I has fully half an hour to wait and I puts it in going over the
+program, as it has already done been mapped out, just to make absolute
+sure nothing ain't been left out. There's one switch in the plans, which
+I decides to make it right at the last minute, mighty near it. This here
+decision is that I'll shove things along powerful brisk once we gets
+going good and under way; which naturally this means I've got to change
+my Riverside Drive system. But circumstances alters cases and what's
+side-meat for one is cold poison for another. The way I looks at it, it
+all depends on the anigosity[4] of the occasion.
+
+Now, with the lady, the best scheme, seemed like to me, was not to crowd
+the mourners, as the saying is, but just to lazy along in a weaving way,
+letting the specifications sink into her one by one and thereby thus
+giving her time to brood over each separate point as it come forth. But
+with him I figures the best plan is the quick-rushing plan. I figures
+I've got to take him short from the go-off and keep on shocking him so
+fast and so hard with promises of devastations that he won't have time
+to catch up with his thinking, and then at the proper time dash the
+mainest jolt of all right _bang_ in his face.
+
+But before that proper minute comes he's got to be rightly prepared in
+his mind for it. He's got to be hearing mournful music and muffled drums
+beating in his ears. He's got to feel an icy cold breath blowing on his
+overhet temples. He's got to have a raging fever in his forehead, but a
+heavy frost congealing his feet. And most of all he's got to have a sad
+picture dancing before his eyes of from six to twelve of his most
+intimate friends getting measured for white gloves. Just let them things
+come to pass, sort of simultaneous, and it's sure going to be a case of
+Sukey, bar the door, with our gentleman friend!
+
+Leastwise, that is the way I organizes it in my head whilst I'm setting
+in that there little hall of ours waiting watchfully. Before a great
+while I hears one of the elevators stopping at our floor and I hears
+slinky kitty-cat steps coming along towards our door. So I knows that
+must be him and I gets back and sort of squats in the side passage
+leading off into the service wing, so I can come slipping out like as if
+I was in a hurry to meet him as he come in, but had been detained.
+
+The door opens right easy and in slides Mr. Raynor, same as a mouse into
+a trap. I can almost see his nose wrinkling up like he's smelling of the
+cheese and craving to start nibbling at it. He looks round him and sees
+me and he gives me a meaning wink. I makes motions to him to be quiet,
+which that ain't necessary but it helps the play along for me to be
+plenty warnful in my manners; and then I tiptoes on up the hall towards
+the setting-room, leading the way for him; and he takes the hint and
+tiptoes along behind me. But at the setting-room door I slows up and
+steps to one side to let him pass on in first and that gives me a chance
+to spring the catch-bolt on the door behind us, unbeknownst to him. I
+takes his hat and coat, all the time rolling my eyes round on every side
+like I'm apprehentious somebody else might be breaking in on us from the
+back part of the apartment, and then I says to him in a kind of a
+significating whisper, I says:
+
+"Oh, Mr. Raynor, I been truly oneasy in my mind 'bout you--I'm mouty
+sorry 'at you come!"
+
+"Sorry?" he says, sort of startled. "Why, you telephoned me yourself."
+
+"Yas, suh, I knows I did," I says; "but I wuz only obeyin' awders--an'
+anyways 'at wuz befo' things begun to tek the more serious turn w'ich
+they has took. I'd a-halted you at the front do' yonder an' turned you
+back ef I could've, but I wuz delayed back in the boss' baid-room tryin'
+to argue him out of his notion an' tha's how come I didn't git thar to
+give you the warnin' word. Or," I says, "ef they'd a-been time an' I'd
+a-got the chance--both of w'ich I had neither--I'd a-ketched you on the
+telephone an' stopped you befo' ever you started up-town frum the
+office. So this move--tollin' you in yere an' fortifyin' you up,
+suh,--is the onliest other one I could think of," I says; "an' so, no
+matter how it may turn out," I says, "I want you to carry wid you the
+'membrunces 'at I done the level best I could fur you."
+
+"Say," he says, "what's all this palaver about?" He's speaking quite
+bluffy, but even so I can tell that the uneasiness is beginning to seep
+into his ankles. "Why shouldn't I come here? I was sent for, wasn't I?
+For that matter, why shouldn't I come without being sent for? I'm not
+worried about my position in this row--I'm safe."
+
+"_Sh-h-h!_" I says, "please, suh, _sh-h-h!_ Keep yore voice down," I
+says, "whutever else you may do. This ain't no time to be talkin' loud,"
+I says.
+
+"I'll swear I don't get you," he says. But he's took heed and now his
+notes is low and more worried-like. "I'm asked to come up here on a
+matter of business, as I suppose. I gather from your hints over the
+telephone you think you've found out something which I might be willing
+to give money for, as an exclusive advance tip. So far, so good; I'm
+always open to reason. Then I get here and you behave as mysteriously as
+a ghost and go _sh-h-hing_ about as though somebody was dead on the
+premises. What's the----"
+
+"Oh, Mr. Raynor," I says, "don't speak of nobody bein' daid on these
+premises. It sounds too much lak a dreadin' perdiction. Mr. Raynor," I
+says, "fur the sakes of all, please lis'sen an' lemme say my say whilst
+they's yit time!"
+
+"All right," he says; "go ahead. I won't interrupt again, although I
+still don't see why you should take the matter so seriously." But in
+spite of the fact that when he says this he's grinning at me I judges
+that by now the uneasiness has started crawling up his legs. It's one of
+them sickly, pestered grins.
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "all last night an' th'ough the early parts of this
+mawnin' Mr. Dallas is been carryin' on lak he was mouty nigh
+distracted. Frum words w'ich he lets fall, partly to me an' partly w'en
+he's tawkin' to hisse'f, I meks out 'at the trouble is on 'count of
+bus'ness dealin's 'twixt you an' him, an' also 'at he's harborin' a
+'special pet gredge ag'in you on 'count of somethin' or other. Fur a
+spell he tawked right smart 'bout a compermise settlemint an' 'at wuz
+whut I wanted to tell you pussonally in privit--'at the idee of a
+compermise settlemint wuz floatin' in his mind. He didn't sleep none
+las' night but he walked the floor stiddy till pas' daylight; an' all
+th'ough these mawnin' hours, seemed lak to me, he's been gittin' mo' an'
+mo' antagonized ez the time went by. Frum the symptoms I should a-knowed
+whut wuz brewin'. But I reckin I must a-been blinded, whut wid things
+bein' so out of kelter round the 'partmint. W'en he bidden me fur to
+call you up an' invite yore presence yere right away I still didn't
+'spicion the true facts. But right after I'd got th'ough telephonin'
+down to the office I went back to his room to say you'd be cumin'
+shortly an' ez I stepped in the do' an' seen him fumblin' in 'at
+dressin'-table drawer an' seen the rampagious look w'ich wuz on his
+face--oh, Mr. Raynor, suh, right 'en wuz w'en my heart upset itse'f
+insides my chist!
+
+"'Cause I done seen 'at look on his face befo' now; I seen it fo' yeahs
+ago, the time w'en 'at electioneerin' fuss of his wid the late Mr. Dave
+Townsend come up. At leas' once't I seen it on his paw's face an' I seen
+it mo' times 'en once't on the face of his uncle, Mr. Z. T. Pulliam,
+w'ich they called him Hell-Roarin' Zack fur short. It runs in the blood
+an' it ripens in the breedin'--'at look do. You don't never want to
+tamper wid a Pulliam--they comes untamped too easy! They goes 'long jest
+ez peaceable an' quiet ez a onborn lamb up to a suttin p'int an' 'en 'at
+look comes over 'em an' the by-standers starts removin' theyselves to a
+place of safety. They calls it the deadly sign of the Pulliam fambly
+down our way 'cause they knows whut it means--they's seen it loomin'
+th'ough the pistol-smoke too of'en. An' so----"
+
+"What sort of a bluff is this you're trying to hand me?" he says. But
+his face all of a sudden has turned just the color of chalk and his
+voice is quivering so the words comes forth from between his lips all
+sort of broken up. The man's looks don't match his language. "Are you
+trying to tell me there's gun-play threatening around here? Well, that's
+not done any more!"
+
+"You's right!" I says. "Wid the Pulliamses, after the fust shot, it
+ain't necessary fur it to be done any mo'--jest once't is ample! They
+lets go frum the hip an' they don't rarely nor never miss--I reckin it
+comes natchel to 'em. Oh, Mr. Raynor, I knows whut the danger is
+better'n you possibly kin! An' oh, Mr. Raynor, I's so skeered on yore
+'count--you havin' been alluz mouty friendly to me an' you still so
+young, too! An' I's skeered on Mr. Dallases' 'count lakwise, 'cause
+these cotehouse folks up yere they prob'ly won't 'preciate whut is the
+custom of our locality fur the settlin' of privit misunderstandin's
+betwixt gen'elmen. I'm most crazy in my mind, ez you kin see! Ef only I
+could a-got him cooled off an' ca'mmed down befo' you got yere! I tried
+an' I tried but 'twuzn't no use--it never is no use tryin', wid a
+Pulliam. An' even now ef only we could onduce him to hole off an'
+lis'sen to reasonable argumints frum you befo' he cuts loose! Oh, Mr.
+Raynor, I do hope an' pray he see fit to give you a chanc't to 'splain
+'way the diffe'nces! But, oh, I dreads the wust! 'Cause he's crouchin'
+back yonder waitin', wid his trigger-finger twitchin', an' w'en he sees
+you----"
+
+"Let me out of here!" he says. And though he says it kind of
+half-whispering yet he says it kind of half-screeching, too.
+
+And with that he makes a break for the door behind him, aiming to bust
+out down the hall. But it's locked.
+
+And with that, likewise I turns over a little centre-table and it goes
+down on its side with a bang, which that is the ordained signal agreed
+on previous, and I lets a yell out of me.
+
+"Oh, Lawsy," I yells, "it's too late--yere he is now!"
+
+And then Mr. Raynor ceases from pawing at the latch and spins round and
+plasters himself flat against the door-panels like he was pinned there,
+with his arms stretched wide and his fingers clawing at the wood-work.
+And here, in through the curtains of the library door comes Mr. Dallas,
+that's all, stepping light on the balls of his feet, with his eyes
+blazing and his hair all mussed-up, and down at his right side, it
+swinging loose and free, he's carrying that three-pound chunk of
+Snake-Eye Jamison's shootlery. I don't know whether it's the excitement,
+or the spell of the play-acting on him, or the righteous mad which is in
+him, but he looks so perilous I'm mighty near scared of him my own self.
+And even though he ain't never toted no pistol before in his life he's
+handling this here big blue borrowed smoke-wagon like he'd cut his
+milk-teeth on one. And I'm mighty glad she ain't loaded, neither; else
+he might start living up to the reputation I've done endowed him with.
+
+That's all, but that's plenty! As Mr. H. C. Raynor's knees begins giving
+way under him he starts in to pleading at the top of his voice. You
+could a-heard him plumb down in the street I reckon.
+
+"For God's sake," he begs, "don't shoot! For God's sake, don't shoot
+yet! Give me a minute--give me time to explain! I'll do anything you
+say, Pulliam--we can square this thing! Only, for God's sake, don't
+shoot!"
+
+By the time he's got this much out of him he's setting down flat against
+the door, with his legs stretched out straight in front of him and his
+feet kind of dancing on the floor so that his heels makes little
+knocking sounds. He looks like he's fixing to faint away. Maybe he did
+faint, but if he did, I know the faintfulness didn't get no higher up
+than his throat, because the last thing I heard as I went on out from
+there through the library, was him still babbling away.
+
+Up till the time I left, Mr. Dallas hadn't spoke nary word--just stood
+there wagging that there chunk of hardware in the general direction of
+Mr. Raynor and licking at his lips with his tongue, sort of eager-like.
+Well, thus far, it hadn't been necessary for him to say nothing--Mr.
+Raynor was doing enough talking for any number you might care to name,
+up to half a dozen.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[4] Note.--The word is believed to be one of Jeff's own coinage. It is
+left as written. Its meaning may be doubtful but who will deny that it
+is a good word?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+_Piebald Joys_
+
+
+It's maybe twenty minutes later on when Mr. Dallas calls to me to come
+to him and bring Koga with me, him saying the both of us is required for
+to witness an agreement which has been drawed up. Right then and there
+for the first and last time in my life, that there Japanee boy wins my
+admirations. He don't bat a single eye-lash as he follows me in where
+they is. He acts like all his life he'd been used to walking into a
+setting-room and finding two gentlemen there, one of 'em with a pistol
+and the other with a hard chill. He just sucks his breath in once or
+twice and starts smiling very pleasant upon one and all. I judges he
+must a-been brought up in a kind of a rough neighborhood over in his own
+country.
+
+Mr. Raynor has done rose up from the floor by this time, and is setting
+in a chair where he can be more comfortable; at that, he ain't seeming
+totally comfortable. His teeth and his hands and his feet keeps on
+misbehaving, and he looks to me like he's been losing considerable flesh
+even in that short time since I left him. His complexion also remains
+very bad. You'd say, offhand, here was a gentleman fixing to be taken
+down with a severe spell of illness, or else just getting over one and
+still far from well.
+
+He puts his name to a piece of writing which is spread out on the table,
+Mr. Dallas standing over him and sort of indicating the place to him
+with the nozzle of that there trusty old forty-four. He has some
+difficulty in getting his name set down by reason of him keeping
+flinching away from the gun and also on account of his fingers being so
+out of control. Then me and Koga likewise signs and whilst I is so doing
+I rejoices to note that the document is all done in Mr. Dallases'
+handwriting.
+
+When this has been attended to there does not seem to be no reason why
+Mr. Raynor should linger longer amongst us. He indicates that he craves
+to go but still don't actually go till Mr. Dallas gives him the word.
+For such a previously brash white man he certainly has been rendered
+very docile. And dumb--huh! Alongside of him guinea-pigs is plumb
+rambunctuous.
+
+I helps him on with his overcoat, which he has trouble getting into it
+by reason of not seeming to be able to stick his arms into the sleeves
+until after several tries; and such is his agitated feelings that he
+starts off forgetting his hat. I puts it on his head for him, him not
+saying a word but just staring about him kind of null and void, and now
+and then shivering slightly; and as he goes down the hall towards the
+elevator he's got one hand sort of pressed up against the wall for to
+support him on his way. If I'd been him I should a-went right straight
+on home and laid down for a spell. Probably that's what he did do. I
+know I ain't seen hair nor hide of him since and I ain't expecting to do
+so, neither, without we should run into one another by accident on the
+street sometime.
+
+As I comes back from the front door after seeing him safely off, Mr.
+Dallas is waiting for me in the middle of the floor with a grin on his
+face, which it mighty near splits his face in half across the middle. He
+lays down the agreement paper and the artillery so he can shake hands
+with me with both hands.
+
+"Jeff," he says, "for the second time in less than two hours let me
+tender you my earnest congratulations and my everlasting gratitude.
+Thanks to you," he says, "and you alone, I'm getting out of the
+double-barreled hole I was in, reasonably intact. What's gone I'll
+gladly charge up to profit and loss and valuable experience. What's left
+is a whole lot more than I had dared to hope it would be before you took
+a hand. When I look back on my feelings last night and contrast them
+with my feelings today--say, by Jupiter!" he says, "come to think of it,
+it's all happened between late dinner-time of one day and late
+lunch-time of the next! It doesn't seem possible! What can I do to
+square myself with you for the debt I owe you?"
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "you mout start in to please me by eatin' a lil'
+somethin'. Yore speakin' of lunch-time 'minds me 'at you ain't been
+right constant at yore meals lately. Whut you needs," I says, "is to git
+yore appetite back an' stow a smidgin' of warm vittles down yore
+insides."
+
+"Jeff," he says, still hanging onto my hands and pumping 'em so fervent
+it makes me feel right diffident for him to be doing so, "you're the
+doctor and your prescriptions suit me. Bring on the grub! Say it with
+chowders! We'll celebrate," he says, "over the festal hot biscuits!
+What, ho, for the wassail waffles!"
+
+And with that he goes prancing about over the room dragging me along
+with him, like he was, say, about nine years old, going on ten.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+_Headed Home_
+
+
+For a fact, that meal which he eats is more like a celebration than a
+regulation meal, but considering of everything, I reckon that's no more
+than what is to be expected.
+
+He's half way through with his second helpings of the lamb chops when he
+looks up at me where I'm standing back of his chair and he says to me
+with one of them old-time little-boy twinkles in his eye, like he used
+to have:
+
+"Jeff," he says, "you certainly can paint a fanciful picture when you
+set yourself to it. When I think of the blood-thirsty characteristics
+which you bestowed upon those devout and peace-loving ancestors of mine
+I have to stop eating and laugh again."
+
+"You must a-been lis'senin' 'en," I says.
+
+"I overheard part of the tale from behind the portieres," he says. "Oh,
+but it was great stuff, and highly convincing! Even in that crucial
+moment I could appreciate your deft touches."
+
+"You ain't knowin' the ha'f of it yit, suh," I says. "Wait till you
+hears tell 'bout them fictionary kinsfolks I's conferred 'pon you in
+'nother quarter an' how I endowed the whole passil of 'em wid the
+chronic failin' of bein' onreliable in the haid. I 'spects you'll want
+to use 'at pistol shore-'nuff in earnest 'en."
+
+"Not me," he says; "not me. I'll give three ringing cheers for your
+superior inventive qualities. If I had your power of imagination I'd
+charge admission," he says.
+
+"I'm glad you feels 'at way, suh," I says, "but I shore does aim to walk
+wide of the deceasted members of the Pulliam fambly w'en I crosses over
+to the fur side of the deep River of Jordan," I says. "I ain't cravin'
+to git in no jam wid any ole residenter angels till I's used to bein'
+one myse'f. I wonder," I says, "whut Mr. H. C. Raynor'd think ef he
+knowed 'at yore Uncle Zachary wuz a Persistin' Elder of the Southe'n
+Meth'dis' Church fur goin' on twenty yeahs?"
+
+"Never mind what he thinks now or hereafter," he says. "It's what my
+late partner did that counts. Anyhow, you didn't deceive him when you
+told him Uncle Zach's nickname."
+
+"'At did fit in nice," I says; "me rememb'rin', jest in the nick of
+time, 'at they called the ole gen'elman Hell Roarin' Zach by reason of
+his exhortin' powers w'en 'scribin' them brimstones an' them hot fires
+bein' so potent 'at the sinners could smell 'em an' shiver. Well, suh,
+tha's all part of my system: Stir a slight seasonin' of truthfulness
+into the mixture frum time to time an' it meks the batter stand up
+stiffer. An' also don't never waste a good lie widout you has to--save
+'em till you needs 'em. Tha's my motto, suh."
+
+"And I subscribe to it," he says, and he chuckles some more. In fact
+he's chuckling right straight along till he gets up from the table. Then
+he rears back in a chair and sets a cigar going. He makes me take a
+cigar, too, which it is the first time I has ever smoked in a white
+gentleman's presence whilst serving him. But this is a special occasion
+and more like a jollification than anything else. So I starts puffing on
+her when my Young Cap'n insists upon it; and then, at his command, I
+just lit in and told him all what had happened at Miss DeWitt's flat
+that morning and about a lot of other things--things I'd overheard and
+things I'd suspicioned--which it had not seemed fitten to tell 'em to
+him before this, but now both time and place appears suitable.
+
+Talking about one thing leads to talking about another, as it will, and
+presently I finds myself confiding to him the expective undertakings of
+the firm of Poindexter & Petty, which that is all news out of a clear
+sky to him, seeing as I'd kept this to myself as a private matter in the
+early stages. He says he'd sort of figured, though, I had something up
+my sleeves, by reason of my having seemed so interested in the
+moving-picture business and all. And though he don't say so, I judges he
+figures out, too, that here lately I maybe has refrained from speaking
+to him about my own affairs when he was so pesticated about his
+own--which also, more or less, is the truth of it.
+
+But now he's deeply interested and 'lows he wants to hear more. He
+states that while he's sorry on his own account that I is not going back
+home with him when he goes, which that will be just as soon as he can
+clean up things here and sell off the lease on the apartment and so
+forth, still, he says, he's glad for my sake that I'm going to stay on
+since I've got bright prospects ahead of me for to break into the
+business life of the Great City. Him saying this so kindly inspires me
+to go on and tell him all about our plans and purposes. I says that the
+outlook is that me and 'Lisses Petty will be ready to open up pretty
+soon, seeing as I has had word just two days before from Mr. Simons that
+he's almost ready to cut loose with his announcements in the papers. I'm
+going on further along this line when all of a sudden he busts in to ask
+me what about the old judge coming home in the spring-time from
+foreign-off parts and not finding me there to meet him?
+
+Well, sirs, that do fetch me up short with a jar! Because, if it must be
+confessed, I've got to admit I has been so carried away with my own pet
+schemes that the thought of my obligations to Judge Priest is done
+entirely escaped out of my foolish mind. I hates to draw back from them
+new ambitions of mine and yet, seems like, I can't hardly bear the
+notion of breaking my bounden promises to my old boss-man after the way
+we'd been associated together under the same roof for going on it's
+sixteen years. What with the one thing pulling me this here way and the
+other thing pulling me that there way, all of a sudden I now gets a kind
+of a choked-up feeling in my breast. I don't know whether it's the
+wrench at my heart or the strain on my wishbone. But it's there! So I
+ups and puts the proposition before the Young Cap'n and I asks what he
+thinks I should do?
+
+He studies a minute and then he says to me, he says:
+
+"Jeff," he says, "I'll tell you how I feel about it and if, in view of
+the lack of judgment I've shown recently in certain other matters, you
+still regard my advice as being worth anything, you're welcome to it.
+You believe you've got a chance to make good up here, don't you? Well,
+then, I believe it's your duty to yourself, regardless of almost every
+other consideration, to take advantage of that chance. And I'm positive
+Judge Priest will feel the same way about it when he learns the
+situation. I believe he'll gladly release you from any obligations you
+may owe him. In fact, knowing him so well, I'll bank on it. With your
+consent I'll write him tonight, a long letter, setting forth the exact
+conditions. How does that strike you."
+
+I tells him I is agreeable to that. But I says to him, I says:
+
+"Mr. Dallas, one thing more, please, suh? In yore letter tell the Jedge
+'at w'en he gits back, ef he finds the home-place ain't runnin' to suit
+him widout me on hand to he'p look after his comfort, w'y all he's got
+do is jest lemme know an' I'll ketch the next train fur home. Ef the
+bus'ness yere can't run herse'f aw'ile wid 'Lisses Petty alone on the
+job by hisse'f, then let the whole she-bang go busted--tha's all.
+
+"Lis'sen, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I got yit 'nother idee in my haid--I
+craves to demerstrate one thing! They's some w'ite folkses w'ich claims
+the run of black folks nowadays ain't got no proper sense of gratitudes
+nor faithfulness, neither. They claims 'at the new-issue cullid ain't
+lak the ole-timers of the race wuz--'at they furgits favors an' bre'ks
+pledges an' sometimes turns an' bites the hand w'ich has fed an' fondled
+'em. Mebbe they is right--I ain't 'sputin' they ain't, in some cases.
+But I is sayin' they is one shiny black nigger jest rearin' to prove the
+contrarywise so fur ez he pussonally is concern', w'ich I'm," I says,
+"him!
+
+"An' in fu'ther proof whar'of," I says, "I begs you to mek me a solemn
+promise, yere an' now. I asts you, please, suh, to keep yo eye on the
+ole boss-man an' ef he sh'd show the onfailin' signs of feeblin'-up an'
+bre'kin' down--w'ich is only to be 'spected, seein' ez he is gittin'
+'long so in yeahs--I don't want you to wait 'twell he notifies me
+hisse'f 'at he's needin' me. 'Cause the chances is he wouldn't do it,
+noways, effen he feared it mout mean a sacrifice on my part fur me to
+come to him. I wants you to send me the word on yore own 'sponsibility
+an' I'll git to his side jest ez fast ez them steam-cyars kin tote me."
+
+He says he is glad I feels thus-and-so about it and he gladly passes his
+word to do like I asked him, if the situation arises. With this here
+point settled he guides me back to tell him yet more about the prospects
+of Poindexter & Petty. Which I ain't needing much prompting there,
+seeing as the said projects lays close to my heart and my mind. I tells
+him we has reached the point where we is about to close the deal for the
+office. In fact, I says, I has been calculating some on running up-town
+to see 'Lisses about that very detail this same afternoon providing he
+don't need me round the apartment to do something or other for him.
+Whereupon he up and says an astonishing thing:
+
+"I'll go along with you if you don't mind," he says. "I want to have a
+look at this associate of yours and get his views. I'd like to do more
+than that if it can be arranged; I'd like to lend my aid in helping to
+put this enterprise on its feet--to feel that, in one way or another, I
+had a friendly hand in it. I'm your eternal debtor, you know, Jeff."
+
+"Go 'way frum yere, Mr. Dallas," I says, "an' quit yore foolin'. Whut
+bus'ness has you got gittin' yo'se'f mixed in wid a pack of
+nigger-rubbage? Whut would the rest of the high-toned folks down home
+say ef they heared of any sech goings-on 'pon yore part? Tell me 'at,
+suh?"
+
+"Never mind what they'd think or what they'd say," he says; "that's my
+look-out. Tell me the truth now, Jeff,--have you two boys got all the
+money you need to start you up and to keep you going until your agency
+begins to pay?"
+
+At that I has to admit to him that the prior expenses has been right
+smart heavier than what us two had figured on at the start-off.
+
+"That's what I rather suspected," he says. "Now then, I've got out of my
+own complications in much better shape than I'd ever dreamed I could. I
+still have a sizeable stake left. In fact I figure I've got just about a
+thousand dollars to spare. If you don't feel like taking a thousand
+dollars from me as a gift, or in part payment for your services to me
+during the past twenty-odd hours, why not take it as a loan without
+interest until you get on your feet, or until you've had ample
+opportunity to try this new venture out thoroughly--No, by Jove, I've
+got a better plan than that! I want to stick that thousand in as an
+investment along with you two boys. If I never get it back, or any part
+of it, count it money well-spent. I've made a number of other
+investments in my bright young life that didn't pay either, and I'll be
+drawing regular dividends on this one, even though they may not be in
+terms of dollars and cents. Come on--let's go see this friend, Petty, of
+yours. You can't keep me out of the deal on anything short of an
+injunction."
+
+What is you going to do with a hard-headed white man when he gets his
+neck bowed that-a-way? You is going to do just what we done, that's
+what you going do! So that's how come Poindexter & Petty is now got for
+their silent partner a member of one of the oldest families in West
+Kentucky and pure quality from the feet up.
+
+I has come mighty close to forgetting one other thing which happens
+before we leaves the place to go on up to Harlem. I is helping him on
+with his coat when he says:
+
+"Wait a minute! I want to write out some telegrams first. I want to send
+one to my lawyer, Mr. Jere Fairleigh, stating that the Prodigal will
+shortly be on his way back, and one to my cousin to have the home-place
+opened up for me--and one other. I've gotten rather behind with my
+correspondence lately; I'll do some letter-writing tonight. But I'll
+wire on ahead first. You call a messenger-boy, Jeff."
+
+I trusts I is not no spy but I just can't keep from peeping over his
+shoulder whilst he's writing out that there third telegram--which it is
+pretty near long enough to be a letter itself--and I is rejoiced in my
+soul to note that it's being sent to the one I hoped 'twas--and that's
+Miss Henrietta Farrell.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+_Last Words_
+
+
+Well, I got my Young Cap'n off this morning. I has to admit that I begun
+contracting a kind of a let-down feeling in my mind as the time drawed
+near for us to say our farewells to one another. You couldn't exactly
+call it homesickness nor yet downright sorrowfulness; it was kind of a
+mixed sensation, with regretitude and lonesomeness and gladsomeness all
+scrambled up together, and running through it, a knowledge that I'm
+going to miss him mighty much for awhile, anyhow. I certainly has grown
+powerful devoted to him since last summer and I knows full well that,
+from his standpoint, he must have similar regards towards me. I reckon
+our own kind of folks can appreciate how this attachment could a-sprung
+up betwixt us, even if most of these here Northerners can't.
+
+It must be that my looks more or less betrays my emotions as the parting
+time draws closer, because he keeps on speaking cheering utterances to
+me about other matters, without mentioning the nearby separation; which
+I appreciates the spirit behind his words as much as I does the words
+themselves. If I told it to him once at that depot I suppose I must
+a-told it to him a dozen times, to give my most respectful regards to
+the old boss-man when next he sees him. And he keeps saying to me I must
+write regular and keep him posted on everything in general.
+
+"I's shore countin' on seein' you down home next summer wen I comes down
+on a visit," I says; "I's already mekin' my plans 'cordin'ly. Mebbe," I
+says, "you mout ketch me sneakin' in even sooner 'en 'at, ef so be this
+yere bookin' agency bus'ness teks a notion to blow up on us."
+
+"I've got a conviction you'll make good," he says. "If the first venture
+doesn't pan out I'll trust in you to light on your feet somewhere
+else--I've seen you in operation, you know." Then he goes on, speaking
+now a little bit wistful-like: "You seem able to figure out a way to
+beat this New York game, by playing it according to your own set of
+rules. But I couldn't do it--I had it proven to me and the proof cost me
+money. I'm through--and ought to be glad of it. You're just starting."
+
+"Well, suh," I says, "I does my best. The way I looks at this town," I
+says, "is this yere way: Jest ez soon ez you gits over bein' daunted-up
+by the size of her, the best scheme is to start in lettin' on lak you
+knows mo' 'bout 'most ever'thin' 'en whut the folkses does w'ich has
+been livin' yere all along. That'll fetch 'em ef anything will, or else
+I misses my guess. This is the onliest place I knows of," I says, "whar
+a shined-up counterfeit passes muster jest ez well ez the pyure gold, ef
+not better, 'specially ef the gold happens to be sort of dulled-down an'
+tarnished-lookin'. The very way the town is laid out he'ps to clarify my
+p'int, suh," I says. "She's fenced in betwixt a bluff on one side an' a
+Sound on the other, an' she's sufferin' frum the effects of her own
+joggraphy. Jest combine in yore daily actions the biggest of bluffs an'
+the most roarin' of sounds an' she's liable to lay down at yore feet an'
+roll over at yore command. Leas'wise," I says, "them's my beliefs."
+
+"Probably you are right," he says. "Well, Jeff, try not to let these
+people up here spoil you and make you fresh and impudent. I don't
+believe they will, though."
+
+"Oh, but you is wrong thar, suh," I says. "I kin tek spilin' ez well ez
+the nex' one. Ef they aims to come edgin' 'crost the culler-line in my
+direction, I ain't the one to hender 'em. Whut they gives, I'll tek an'
+a bit mo'. Ef they ain't had the 'vantage of bein' raised the way you
+an' me is, an' wants fur to pamper me all up, I'm goin' to let 'em do
+so. Fact is, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I's gittin' pampered already. Lemme
+show you somethin', suh, in strictes' confidences--yere's a perfessional
+callin'-cyard, w'ich I had a lot of em struck off yistiddy at a
+printin'-shop over on Columbus Avenue." And I deals the top one off of
+the pack in my vest pocket and hands it over to him. "See whut it sez,"
+I says. "It sez, 'Col. J. Exeter Poindexter, Esq.'"
+
+"How did you work that arrangement out?" he says, smiling.
+
+"Mouty easy-lak," I says. "'Col.' is short for 'cullid', ain't it? So I
+jest shortens up 'cullid' into 'Col.' an' switches it frum the caboose
+end to the front end. An' I changes my middle name to 'Exeter' w'ich it
+has a mo' stylish sound to it 'en whut 'Exodus' had. An' I tacks on the
+'Esq.' at the fur endin' to mek it still mo' bindin', lak the button on
+a rattle-snake's tail. An' thar you is, suh!"
+
+"But you are not a colonel--yet," he says.
+
+"Whut's the diff'unce," I says, "so long ez these yere folkses don't
+know no better. They fattens on bein' deceived. An', anyway," I says, "I
+aims fur to cultivate the military manner. Mr. Dallas," I says, "don't
+mek no mistek 'bout it--I's gittin' fresh already, w'ich it is the
+customary custom yere, an' the chances is I'll git still fresher yit.
+But it'll be fur Noo Yawk pu'pposes 'sclusively. W'en I meets up wid one
+of my own kind of w'ite folks in these parts or w'en I goes back ag'in
+amongst my own folks down below the Line, I'll know my place an' my
+station an' I'll respec' 'em both; an' I'll be jest the same plain
+reg'lar ole J. Poindexter, Cullid, w'ich you alluz has knowed. Please,
+suh, tell Jedge Priest 'at fur me, too!" I says.
+
+The time comes for him to get aboard without he wants to miss his train.
+So we says our parting words. I reckons some of them white foreigners
+standing there gaping at us can't understand why it is that Mr. Dallas,
+and him a Southern-born white gentleman, should throw his arm around my
+shoulder at the farewell moment and pat me on the back. But then, of
+course, that's due to the ignorance of their raisings and probably they
+is not to blame so much after all.
+
+I will now draw to a close with the above accounts. Writing is a sight
+harder work than I thought it would be when I set in to do this
+authorizing, and I is not sorry to be shut of the job. Anyway, from now
+on, I'm a New York business man, which I counts on it paying better
+than writing for a living, if only I've got the right salt for
+sprinkling on the Luck-Bird's tail.
+
+I think I has.
+
+
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes:
+
+No changes have been made to the original document. The following are
+documented to clarify the instances where the original book used
+variations of words or words spelled in a way to convey the speech
+pattern.
+
+1. Hungry city - possible typo for Hungary City
+
+2. homestick - possible typo for homesick (used in other places)
+
+3. Look how they mouty nigh broke they necks fur to usher you in in due
+state? - in in - possible typo
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED ***
+
+***** This file should be named 36365.txt or 36365.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/3/6/36365/
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+(This file was produced from images generously made
+available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/36365.zip b/36365.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eefa32b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/36365.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d9b8d73
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #36365 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/36365)