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diff --git a/36365-8.txt b/36365-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eaac9d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/36365-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5289 @@ +Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: J. Poindexter, Colored + +Author: Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb + +Release Date: June 9, 2011 [EBook #36365] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net +(This file was produced from images generously made +available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + _J. Poindexter, Colored_ + + + + + _By Irvin S. Cobb_ + + + _Fiction_ + + J. POINDEXTER, COLORED + SUNDRY ACCOUNTS + FROM PLACE TO PLACE + THOSE TIMES AND THESE + LOCAL COLOR + OLD JUDGE PRIEST + BACK HOME + THE ESCAPE OF MR. TRIMM + + + _Wit and Humor_ + + ONE THIRD OFF + A PLEA FOR OLD CAP COLLIER + THE ABANDONED FARMERS + THE LIFE OF THE PARTY + EATING IN TWO OR THREE LANGUAGES + "OH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE!" + FIBBLE D.D. + "SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS--" + EUROPE REVISED + ROUGHING IT DE LUXE + COBB'S BILL OF FARE + COBB'S ANATOMY + + + _Miscellany_ + + THE THUNDERS OF SILENCE + THE GLORY OF THE COMING + PATHS OF GLORY + "SPEAKING OF PRUSSIANS--" + + + _New York_ + + _George H. Doran Company_ + + + +_J. Poindexter, Colored_ + +_By_ + +_Irvin S. Cobb_ + +_Author of_ + + + +"_Old Judge Priest_," + +"_Speaking of Operations--_," _Etc._ + +_New York_ + +_George H. Doran Company_ + + +_Copyright, 1922_, + +_By George H. Doran Company_ + +[Illustration: Company Logo] + +_Copyright, 1922_, + +_By The Curtis Publishing Company_ + +_Printed in the United States of America_ + + +_J. Poindexter, Colored_ + +TO +MARGARET ILLINGTON BOWES + + +[Illustration: Cover] + + + +_CONTENTS_ + + +CHAPTER PAGE + +ONE: _Down Yonder_ 11 + +TWO: _North-Bound_ 27 + +THREE: _Manhattan Isle_ 41 + +FOUR: _Harlem Heights_ 61 + +FIVE: _Local Colored_ 88 + +SIX: _Gold Coast_ 94 + +SEVEN: _Country Side_ 103 + +EIGHT: _Dark Secrets_ 114 + +NINE: _Movie-Land_ 120 + +TEN: _Black Belt_ 140 + +ELEVEN: _Afric Shores_ 151 + +TWELVE: _Business Deals_ 162 + +THIRTEEN: _Private Life_ 167 + +FOURTEEN: _Oiled Skids_ 173 + +FIFTEEN: _Vet to Zym_ 193 + +SIXTEEN: _Lady-Like!_ 201 + +SEVENTEEN: _Sable Plots_ 210 + +EIGHTEEN: _White Hopes_ 224 + +NINETEEN: _Pistol Plays_ 235 + +TWENTY: _Piebald Joys_ 247 + +TWENTY-ONE: _Headed Home_ 252 + +TWENTY-TWO: _Last Words_ 264 + + + + +_J. Poindexter, Colored_ + + + + +CHAPTER I + +_Down Yonder_ + + +My name is J. Poindexter. But the full name is Jefferson Exodus +Poindexter, Colored. But most always in general I has been known as +Jeff, for short. The Jefferson part is for a white family which my folks +worked for them one time before I was born, and the Exodus is because my +mammy craved I should be named after somebody out of the Bible. How I +comes to write this is this way: + +It seems like my experiences here in New York is liable to be such that +one of my white gentleman friends he says to me I should take pen in +hand and write them out just the way they happen and at the time they is +happening, or right soon afterwards, whilst the memory of them is clear +in my brain; and then he'll see if he can't get them printed somewheres, +which on top of the other things which I now is, will make me an author +with money coming in steady. He says to me he will fix up the spelling +wherever needed and attend to the punctuating; but all the rest of it +will be my own just like I puts it down. I reads and writes very well +but someway I never learned to puncture. So the places where it is +necessary to be punctual in order to make good sense and keep everything +regulation and make the talk sound natural is his doings and also some +of the spelling. But everything else is mine and I asks credit. + +My coming to New York, in the first place, is sort of a sudden thing +which starts here about a month before the present time. I has been +working for Judge Priest for going on sixteen years and is expecting to +go on working for him as long as we can get along together all right, +which it seems like from appearances that ought to be always. But after +he gives up being circuit judge on account of him getting along so in +age he gets sort of fretful by reasons of him not having much to do any +more and most of his own friends having died off on him. When the state +begins going Republican about once in so often, he says to me, kind of +half joking, he's a great mind to pull up stakes and move off and go +live somewheres else. But pretty soon after that the whole country goes +dry and then he says to me there just naturally ain't no fitten place +left for him to go to without he leaves the United States. + +The old boss-man he broods a right smart over this going-dry business. +Being a judge and all, he's always been a great hand for upholding the +law. But this here is one law which he cannot uphold and yet go on +taking of his sweetening drams steady the same as he's been used to +doing all his life. And from the statements which he lets fall from time +to time I gleans that he can't hardly make up his mind which one of the +two of them--law or liquor--he's going to favor the most when the pinch +comes and the supply in the dineroom cupboard begins running low. Every +time he starts off for a little trip somewheres and has to tote a bottle +along in his hip pocket instead of being able to walk into a grocery and +refresh himself over the bar like he's been doing for mighty nigh sixty +years, I hears him speaking mumbling[1] words to himself. I hears him +saying it's come to a pretty pass when a Kentucky gentleman has either +got to compromise with his conscience or play a low-down trick on his +appetite. Off and on it certainly does pester him mightily. + +But just about the middle of the present summer he gets a letter from +his married niece, her which used to be Miss Sally Fanny Priest but is +now married to a Yankee gentleman named Fairchild and living in Denver, +Colorado. Miss Sally Fanny is the closest kin-folks the old judge has +got left in the world; and she ups and writes to him and invites him to +come on out there where she lives and stay a spell with them and then +toward winter go along with her to a place called Bermuda which it seems +like from what she says in the letter, Bermuda is one of these here +localities where you can still keep on having a toddy when you feels +like it without breaking the law. + +So he studies about it awhile and then he says to me one night he +believes he'll go, which he does along about four weeks ago, leaving me +behind to sort of look out for the home place out on Clay Street. My +wages goes on the same as if he was there, and I has but little to do, +but the place seems mighty lonesome to me without the old boss-man +pottering 'round doing this and that and the other thing. I certainly +does miss seeing the sight of him. Every time I walks through the front +part of the house, and it all empty and closed up and smelling kind of +musted, and sees his old umbrella hanging on the front hall hat-rack +where he forgot and left it there the day he went away, I gets a sort of +a low feeling in my mind. It's like having the toothache in a place +where there ain't no tooth to have it in. + +And I keeps on thinking about the old days when he'd be setting out on +the front porch as night-time come on, with some of them old-time +friends of his dropping in on him, and me bringing them drinks from the +sideboard, and them laughing and smoking and joking and carrying on; or +else maybe talking about the Confederate War and the Battle of Shiloh +and all. But most of them is now dead and gone and the old judge is away +out yonder in Denver, Colorado, a-many and a-many a mile from me; and +all I can hear as I comes up the walk from the front gate after dark is +the katy-dids calling in the silver-leaf trees and all I can hear when I +unlocks the door and goes inside is one of them old chimney swifts up +the chimney, going: "_Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!_" I've took notice before +now that an empty house which it has always been empty ain't half so +lonesome for you to be in it as one which has been lived in by people +you knowed but they have now gone entirely away. + +So, after about two weeks of being alone, I gets so restless I feels +like I can't stand it very much longer without breaking loose someway. +So one Sunday about half past two o'clock in the evening, I'm going on +past a young white gentleman by the name of Mr. Dallas Pulliam's house +and he comes out on his front porch and calls over to me and tells me to +come on in there 'cause he wants to talk to me about something. So I +crosses over from the other side of the street and walks up to the porch +steps and takes off my hat and asks him how he is getting along and he +says he ain't got no complaint and he asks me how is I getting along my +own self and I tells him just sort of toler'ble so-and-so, and then he +says to me how would I like to take a trip to New York City? I thinks he +must be funning. But I says to him, I says: + +"How come New York City, Mr. Dallas?" + +So he tells me that here lately he's been studying a right smart about +going to New York and staying there a spell on a sort of a vacationlike, +and if he likes it maybe he'll settle there and go into business. He +says he's about made up his mind to take some likely black boy along +with him for to be his body-servant and look after his clothes and +things and everything and he's thinking that maybe I might be the one to +fill the bill; and then he says to me: + +"How about it, Jeff--want to go along and give the big town the +once-over or not?" + +I then sees he is not funning but is making me a straight business +proposition. I thanks him and says to him that I has ever had the crave +to travel far and wide and that I likewise has often heard New York +spoke of as a very pleasant place to go to, by them which has done so, +and also a place where something or other is going on most of the time. +But I says to him I'm afraid I can't go on account I'm under obligations +to Judge Priest by reasons of us having been together so long and him +having left me in complete utter charge of our house. He says, though, +he thinks maybe he can attend to that part of it all right; he says +he'll write a letter to the Judge specifying about what's come up and +he's pretty sure it can be fixed up so's I can go. He says if I don't +like the job after I gets there, he'll pay my way back home again any +time I wants to come, or when the old judge needs me, either one. He +says he ain't adopting me, he's just borrowing me. + +I always has liked Mr. Dallas Pulliam, him being one of the most +freehanded young white gentlemen in town. Of course, off and on, I've +heard the rest of the white folks hurrahing him behind his back about +the way he's handled all that there money which was left to him here a +few years back when his paw died. There was that time when he bought a +sugar plantation down in Louisiana, sight onseen, and when he went down +to see it, couldn't do so without he'd a-done a whole heap of +bailing-out first, by reason of its being under three feet of standing +water. Anyway, that's what I heard tell; thought I reckon it wasn't +noways as bad as what some of the white folks let on. And there was that +other time only a few months back when he decided to start up a +buggy-factory. I overhears Judge Priest speaking about that one day to +Dr. Lake. + +"That young man, Dallas Pulliam, certainly is a sagacious and a +farseein' person," he says. "Jest when automobiles has got so cheap that +every hill-billy in the county kin afford to own at least one, he's +fixin' to go into the buggy-factory business on an extensive scale. Next +time I run into him I'm goin' to suggest to him that when the buggy +trade seems to sort of slack up, ez possibly it may, that instid of +layin' off his hands he might start in to turnin' out flint-lock muskets +fur the U. S. Army." + +I suspicions that Judge Priest or somebody else must have spoke to Mr. +Dallas along those lines because he didn't go into the buggy business +after all. For the past several months he ain't been doing much of +anything, so far as I knows of, except pranking 'round and courting Miss +Henrietta Farrell. + +Well, white folks may poke their fun at him unbeknownst, but he's got +manners suitable to make him popular with me. He's the kind of a white +gentleman that's this here way: He'll wear a new necktie or a fancy vest +about three or four times and then he'll get tired of it and pass it on +to the first one which comes along. Moreover, him and me is mighty near +the same size and I knows full well in advance, just from looking at him +that Sunday evening standing there on his porch, that the very same suit +of clothes which he's got on then will fit me without practically no +alterations. It's a checked suit, too, and mighty catchy to the eye. So +right off I tells him if Judge Priest gives his free will and consent +I'll certainly be down at the depot when that there old engine whistle +blows for to get aboard for New York City. Which he then asks me for +Miss Sally Fanny's address and promises he'll write out there that very +night to find out can I go. + +It's curious how news does travel 'round in a place that's the right +size for everybody in it to know everybody else's business. Before night +it has done leaked out somehow that I is seriously considering accepting +going to New York with young Mr. Dallas Pulliam; and by next morning, lo +and behold, if it ain't all over town! Wherever I goes, pretty near +everybody I meets, whites and blacks alike, asks me how about it and +allows I'm powerful lucky to get such a chance. Mostly, in times gone +by, when my race goes North they heads for Chicago, Illinois, or maybe +Detroit, Michigan, or Indianapolis, Indiana. No sooner do they get +there than they begins writing back saying that up North is the only +fitten place for colored folks to be at; wages high, times easy, and +white folks calling you "Mister" and everything pleasant like that. They +writes that there is not no Jim Crow cars nor separate seats for colored +at the moving-pictures nor nothing like that. But I has taken notice +that after awhile most of 'em quits writing back and starts coming back. +Some stays but more returns--and is verging on shouting-happy when they +crosses the Ohio River coming in. From what I hears some of 'em say +after they gets home and has got a full meal of vittles inside of them, +and so is got more time to talk, I has made up my mind that so far as my +own color is concerned, the main difference from the South is this: Up +North they calls you "Mister" but they don't feed you! + +Still, New York City ain't Chicago, Illinois, nor yet it ain't Detroit, +Michigan; and besides, working for Mr. Dallas Pulliam, I won't have to +be worrying about when does I eat next. Still, even so, I says to +myself that it won't be no harm to inquire round now that the word is +done leaked out anyhow, and learn something more than what little I +knows about New York City. But it seems like, outside of some few white +folks, there is not nobody I knows who's ever been there, excusing a few +head of draft-boys which went there enduring of the early part of the +war; and they wouldn't scarcely count neither on account of them just +passing through and not staying over only just a short time whilst +waiting for the boat to start. Howsomever, they tells me, one and all, +that from what they did see of it they is willing to recommend it very +highly. + +One or two of the white gentlemen which I is well acquainted with, they +tells me the same, too. Mr. Jere Fairleigh he takes me into his law +office when I meets him on the street and speaks to him about it; and he +gets a book all about New York down off of one of his shelves and he +reads to me where the book says that in New York there is more of these +here Germans than there is in any German city except one, and more +Russians than there is in any Russia city except none, and more Italians +than there is in any Italy city except one, and more Hungarians than +there is in any Hungry city at all, and so on and so forth. I says to +him, I says: + +"Mr. Jere, it seems lak they is mo' of ever' nation in Noo Yawk 'en whut +they is anywhars else. But they does not 'pear to be nothin' said 'bout +'Merikins. How come, suh?" + +He says he reckons there's so few of them there that the man which wrote +the book didn't figure it was worth while putting them in. Still, he +says I'll probably run into somebody once in awhile which speaks the +United States language. + +"'Most every policeman does," he says, "I understand it's the law that +they have to be able to speak it before they'll let 'em go on the force, +so as they can understand the foreigners that come over from the +mainland of North America to visit in New York." + +The way he looks--so sort of serious--when he says that, I can't tell if +he's in earnest or not. I judges, though, that he's just having his +fumdiddles with me. And then he goes on and tells me that the biggest of +everything and the tallest and the richest and the grandest is found +there and if I don't believe it is, I can just ask any New Yorker after +I gets there and he'll tell me the same. + +So, taking one thing with another, I'm mighty much pleased when the word +comes along in about a week from then that the old judge says I can go +and sends me his best wishes and a twenty-dollar bill as a parting gift +and friendship offering. He says in the letter, which Mr. Dallas reads +to me, to tell me to be sort of careful about sampling the stock of +liquor and cigars on the sideboard of any New York family when I'm in +their house, and also not to start in wearing a strange Yankee +gentleman's clothes without telling him about it first. He says people +up there probably don't understand local customs as they have ever +prevailed down our way, and if I ain't careful, first thing I know +there'll be a skinny black nigger named Jeff locked up in the county +jail hollowing for help and not no help handy. + +But that's just the old boss-man's joke. He always is been the beatenest +one for twitting me about little things around the house! Mr. Dallas he +knows how to take what the Judge says and so does I and we has quite a +laugh together over the letter. + +And lessen twenty-four hours from that time we is both all packed up and +on our way, New York bound, me wearing one of Mr. Dallas' suits of +clothes which I figures he ain't had it on his back more than five or +six times before altogether. It's a suit of a most pleasing pattern, +too. And cut very stylish, with a belt in the back. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] Note by Jeff's amanuensis.--In the part of the Union from which Jeff +hails and among his race the word _mumbling_ denotes complaint, +peevishness, a querulous utterance. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +_North Bound_ + + +Next morning after we gets across into Ohio, Mr. Dallas he fetches me +into the Pullman car where he's riding. I finds myself more comfortable +there than I has been riding up front in the colored compartment, but +lesser easy in my mind. I enjoys the feel of them soft seats and yet I +gets sort of uneasy setting amongst so many strange white folks. Still, +there ain't nobody telling me to roust myself out from there and after a +while I gets more used to being where I now is. Also I gets acquainted +with two of the porters, the one on our car and the one on the car which +is hitched on next to us. When they ain't busy, we all three gets out in +the little porches betwixt the cars and confabs together. 'Course I +don't let on to them, but all the time I studies them two boys. + +The one on our car, which his given name is Roscoe, is short and chunky +and kind of fatted out; he's black as the pots and powerful nappy-headed +besides. His head looks like somebody has done dipped it in a kettle of +grease and then throwed a handful of buckshot at it and they all stuck. +But he's smart; he knows what's service. I sees that plain. + +With Roscoe it's this way: A lady gets on board the car. No sooner does +she sit down and begin to fumble with the hat-pins than there's old +Roscoe standing right alongside of her holding a big paper bag in his +hands all opened out for her to put her hat in it and keep it out of the +dust. A gentleman setting in the smoking-room reaches in his pocket and +gets a cigar out. Before he rightly can bite the end of it off, here is +this here same Roscoe at his elbow with a match ready. Roscoe he ain't +hanging back waiting for folks to ask him for something and then have +them getting all fretful whilst he's running to find whatever 'tis they +wants. No sir, not him. He's there with the materials almost before +they is made up their minds what it is they craves next. He just +naturally beats 'em to it; which I'll tell the world that's service. + +He's powerful crafty about his tips, too. When he does something for a +passenger and the passenger reaches in his pocket to get a little piece +of chicken-feed out to hand over to Roscoe, he smiles and holds up his +hand. + +"No, suh," he says to him, "keep yore funds whar they now is, please, +suh. There ain't no hurry--we're goin' travel quite a piece together. +W'en we gits to whar you gits off, ef you is puffec'ly satisfied wid all +whut has been done in yore behalf then you kin slip me a lil' reward, ef +you's a-mind to." + +He tells me in confidences that working it that-a-way he gets dollars +where he would a-got dimes. He calls it his deferred payment plan. He +says some months his tips run three times what his wages is. I'll say +that old tar-baby certainly is got something in his head besides sockets +for his teeth to set in. + +The other porter, the one which is on the car next behind, is as +different from Roscoe as day is from night. He calls himself Harold. +But I knows just from looking at him that he's too old for such a fancy +entitlement as that. 'Cause Harold is a new-issue name amongst us +colored, and this here boy must be rising of forty years old, if he's a +day. This Harold is yellow-complected and yet he ain't the pure high +yellow, neither; he's more the shade of a slice of scorched sponge cake. +He's plenty uppidity. And I takes notice that the further North the +train goes the more uppidity he gets. He quits saying "No, ma'am," and +"Yas, suh," almost before we leaves Cincinnati. He quits saying "Thanky, +_suh_," and he starts saying "_I_ thank you," in such a way it sounds +like he was actually doing you a favor to accept your two bits. He +starts talking back to passengers which complains about something. He +acts more and more begrudgeful until it looks like it must actually hurt +him to step along and do something which somebody on the train wants +done. Along about Pittsburgh he's got so brash that I keeps watching for +some white man to rise up and knock that boy's mouth so far round from +the middle of his face it'll look like his side-entrance. But nothing +like that don't happen and I is most deeply surprised and marvels +greatly. I says to myself, I says: + +"Harold," I says, "I aims to git yore likeness well fixed in my mind +'cause I got a presentermint 'at you ain't goin' be 'round yere so very +much longer an' I wants to be able to remember how you looked, after you +is gone frum us. Some these times you is goin' git yore system mixed an' +start bein' biggotty on yore way South an' 'en you is due to wake up at +the end of yore run all organized to attend yore own fune'l. Yas, suh, +man, w'en you comes to in Newerleans you'll a-been daid fully twelve +hours. I kin jest shut my eyes right now an' see the cemetery sexton +pattin' you in the face wid a spade." + +I talks to him about the way he acts. Course I does not come right out +and ask him about it; but I leads him up to it gentle and roundabout. He +tells me he don't aim to let nobody run over him. He tells me he +considers himself just as good as they is, if not better. He says he +lives in a place called Jersey City where the colored race gets their +bounden rights and if they don't get 'em they up and contends for 'em +until they do. I says to him, I says: + +"Harold," I says, "I ain't never been about nowhars much till this +present trip an' I ain't never seen much, so you must excuse of my +ign'ence but the way it looks to me, I'd ruther be happy amongst niggers +then miser'ble amongst w'ite folks." + +He says to me ain't I got no respect for my color? I says to him I's got +so much respect for it that I ain't aiming to jam myself into places +where I ain't desired. He says that ain't the point; he says the point +is that I is got to stand up for the entitled rights and privileges of +the colored race. I says where I comes from I also has got to think +about keeping from getting my head all peeled. He says to me I'll find +out before I has been long up North that there is a sight of difference +betwixt Kentucky and New Jersey. I says to him that most doubtless he is +right. And then he says I should also be careful about speaking the +word "nigger." He says the word ain't never used no more amongst +colored folks which respects themselves. I says to him, I says: + +"Huh!" I says. "Well, then, whut does you call a boy w'en you's blabbin' +'long wid him friendly-lak?" + +He says it is different when I is strictly amongst my own color, but +that I mustn't never speak the word "nigger" in front of white folks nor +never allow no white man to call me that and get away with it. + +I says: + +"Not even ef you is wu'kin' fur him an' he don't call it to you to hurt +yore feelin's nor to demean you but jest sez it sociable an' so-an'-so?" + +He says: + +"Not under no circumstances whutsomever." + +I says: + +"How is I goin' stop him?" + +He says: + +"Wid yore fists. Or half of a loose brick. Or somethin'." + +I says to Harold: + +"Harold," I says, "you shore wuz right jest now w'en you norrated 'at +they wuz a diff'ience betwixt Kintucky an' up-North. Well, live an' +learn," I says, "live an' learn. Only, ef I aims to learn frum you I has +doubts whether I'll live so ver' much longer." + +We talks some more about making money, too. It seems like the closer you +gets to New York City the more you thinks about money. I noticed it then +and I notices it since, frequent. He says to me that some of the boys in +the sleeping-car portering business don't depend just on their wages and +their tips alone. He says they has another way for to pick up loose +change. He says he don't follow after it himself; he says he has got one +or two other boys in mind which he has talked with 'em and knows how +they does it. + +I says to him, I says: + +"Specify?" + +He says: + +"The way these yere boys gits they money is 'at they gits it late at +night after ever'body has done went to baid. Most gin'elly a man 'at's +travelin' he don't keep track of his loose change. Anyhow, he don't +keep near ez close track of it ez he do w'en he's home. He's buyin' +hisse'f a cigar yere an' a paper-back book there an' a apple in this +place an' a sandwitch in 'at place, an' he jest stick the change in his +pants pocket an' goes on 'bout his bus'ness. Well, come baid-time, he +turns in. We'll say you is the porter on his car. You goes th'ough the +car till you comes to his berth. You parts the curtains jest ez easy ez +you kin an' you peeps in th'ough the crack an' see ef he's sleepin' +good. Ef his pants is all folded up smooth you better ramble along an' +leave 'at man be. Folded pants is most gine'lly a sign of a careful man +w'ich the chances is he knows how much he's got to a cent. But ef his +pants is kind of wadded-up in the lil' hammock or flung to one side sort +of keerless-lak, you reaches in an' you lifts 'em out. But fust you +wants to be shore he's sleepin' sound. Them w'ich sleeps on the back wid +the mouth open is the safetest." + +I says to him, I says: + +"Yes, but s'posen' he do wake up an' ketch you fumblin' 'round insides +of his berth. Whut then?" + +"Oh," he says, "tha's all purvided fur in the ritual. You sez to him: +''Scuse me, mister, I med a mistake. I thought you wuz the gen'lman 'at +lef' a early call fur to git off at Harrisburg.' But most in gine'l he +don't wake up. So you gits his pants out into the aisle an' goes th'ough +'em. Ef he's got somewhars 'round five dollars in loose change in his +pockets, you teks fifty cents, no mo' an' no less, an' 'en you slips his +pants back whar you found 'em an' go 'long. Ef he's got somewhars 'round +ten dollars in chicken-feed an' in ones an' twos, you assesses him dues +of jest one dollar even. Ef you plays yore system right an' don't git +greedy they ain't one chanc't in a thousand 'at he'll miss the money +w'en he wakes up. But," he says, "they's one fatal exception to the +rule. W'en you come to him, don't touch a cent of his money no matter +how much he's carryin' on him. 'Cause ef you do he's shore to mek a +hollow the very fust thing in the mornin' an' next thing you know you's +in trouble an' they's beckonin' you up on the cyarpet." + +I says to him, I says: + +"Wait a minute," I says. "Lemme see ef I can't name you the exception my +own se'f. The exception," I says, "is the w'ite man w'ich he carries all +his small change in one of these yere lil' screwed-up leather purses. +Ain't it?" + +And he says yes, for a fact, that's so. But he says how come I is +knowing so much when I ain't never done no portering my own self. And I +says to him, a man don't need to be wearing railroading clothes to know +that any white man which totes around one of them little tight patent +purses knows at all times, sleeping or waking, just exactly how much +money he's got. + +Well, when we gets to New York City it's morning again. When we comes +out of the depot onto the street I takes one look round and I allows to +myself that these here New York folks certainly is got powerfully behind +someway with their hauling. Excusing the time we had the cyclone down +home, I ain't never in my whole life seen so much truck and stuff and +things moving in all different directions at the same time. And +people--_who-ee_! Every which-a-way I looks all I can see is a multitude +of strangers. And I says to myself there certainly must be a big +convention going on in this town for the streets to be so full of +visiting delegates and it's a mighty good thing for us Mr. Dallas is +done sent a telegram on ahead for rooms at the hotel, else we'd have to +camp out with some private family same as they does down home in +county-fair week or when the district Methodist conference meets. + +The white gentleman that's going to fix up what I writes, he told me +that I should set down my first impressions of New York before I begins +to forget 'em. He says they'll make good local color, whatever that is. +Which I will now do so: + +The thing which impresses me first and foremost is a steamboat I sees on +the river which runs alongside New York City on the side nearest to +Paducah. She is not no side-wheeler nor yet she ain't no stern-wheeler, +which all the steamboats I has ever seen before is naturally bound to +be one or the other. As near as I can tell, she has not got no wheel at +all, side- or stern-. It would seem that what runs her is a kind of a +big hump-back timber which sticks up out of the middle of her hurricane +deck and works up and down, and which Mr. Dallas tells me is known as a +walking-beam. But it seems like to me that's certainly a most curiousome +way to run a steamboat and I says to myself that wonders will never +cease! + +And the thing which impresses me next most is a snack-stand on a +sidewalk where they is selling watermelons by the slice--and it the +middle of August! + +And next to that the most impressiveness is when I sees a gang of black +fellows working on a levee down by this same river, only it's mighty +flat-looking for a levee. These boys is working there roustabouting +freight, and there ain't a single one of 'em which is singing as he goes +back and forth. When a river-nigger down our way don't sing whilst he's +loading, it's a sign something is wrong with him and next thing he knows +he don't know nothing by reason of the mate having lammed him across +the head with a hickory gad. But this here gang is going along just as +dumb as if they was white. I wonders to myself if thereby they is hoping +to fool somebody into believing they is white? + +I will therefore state that these three things is the things which +impresses me the most highly on my first arrival in New York. I also +takes notice of the high buildings. They strikes me as being quite high; +but of course when you starts in to build a high building, highness is +naturally what you aims for, ain't it? + + + + +Chapter III + +_Manhattan Isle_ + + +The day we gets to New York is the day before yesterday and we has been +on the go so constant ever since and I has seen so much it seems like my +ideas is all mixed up together same as a mess of scrambled eggs. The way +it looks to me, the mainest difficulty with an author, especially if +he's kind of new at the authorizing business, is not so much to find +something to write up as 'tis to pick out the special things which +should be wrote up and just leave the rest be. So it is now my aim to +set forth the main points which sticks out in my mind. + +Well, first off, soon as we gets in, we goes to the hotel. Beforehand, +Mr. Dallas he says to me it's a quiet hotel up-town; but when we arrives +at it I takes a look around and I says to myself that if this here is a +quiet hotel they shore must have to wear ear-mufflers at one of the +noisy ones if they hopes to hear themselves think. To begin with, she +don't look like no hotel I've ever been used to. She rears herself away +up in the air, same as a church steeple, only with windows all the way +up, and although the weather is pleasant there is not no white folks +setting in chairs under the front gallery. In the first place, there is +not nothing which looks like a gallery, excusing it's a little glass +to-do which sticks out over the pavement at the main entrance, and if +anybody was to try setting there the only way he could save his feet +from being mashed off by people trampling on 'em would be for him to +have both legs sawed off at the ankles. You'd think that, being up-town, +the neighborhood would be kind of quiet, with shade trees and maybe some +vacant lots here and there, but, no, sir; it's all built up solid and +the crowds is mighty near as thick as what they was down around the +depot and in just as much of a hurry to get to wherever it is they is +bound for. + +Even with all the jamming and all the excitement going on they must +a-been expecting us. The way they fusses over Mr. Dallas is proof to my +mind that somebody must a-told 'em in advance that he belongs to the +real quality down where we comes from, and I certainly is puffed up with +pride to be along with him. Because if he had been the King of Europe +they could not have showed him no higher honors than what they does. + +No sooner does we pull up at the curb-stone in front than a huge big +tall white man dressed up something like a Knights of Templar is opening +the taxihack door for us to get out; and two or three white boys in +militia suits comes a-running at his call and snatches the baggage away +from me; and another member of the Grand Lodge, in full uniform, is +standing just inside the front door to give us the low bow of welcome as +we walks into a place which it is all done up with marble posts and with +red wallpaper on the walls and gold chicken-coops on every side until it +puts me in mind of a country nigger's notion of Heaven. Over at the +clerk's enclosure three white men is waiting very eager to receive us, +which each and every one of 'em is wearing his dress-up clothes with a +standing collar and long-tailed coat the same as though he was fixing to +be best man at a wedding or pall-bearer at a funeral or something else +extra special and fancy. For all it's summer-time there is not nobody +loafing round there in his shirt sleeves--I bet you there ain't! + +One of the pall-bearing gentlemen shoves the book round for Mr. Dallas +to write his name in it and the second one he reaches for the keys and +the third one he looks to see if there is not some mail or telegrams for +him. It takes no lessen a number than three of them white boys in the +soldier clothes to escort Mr. Dallas upstairs and a fourth one he grabs +up my valise and takes me on an elevator to the servants' annex. He +don't have to run the elevator himself, neither. There's another hand +just to do that alone and all my white boy is got to do is wrestle my +baggage. It's the first time in my life ever I has had a white person +toting my belongings for me and it makes me feel kind of abovish and +important. Also, I takes notice that when he gets to my room he keeps +hanging round fussing with the window shade and first one thing and then +another, same as if he was one of the bell-boys at the hotel down home +waiting on a traveling man. Course he's lingering round till he gets his +tip. For quite a spell I lets him linger on and suffer. I lets on like I +don't suspicion what he's hanging about that-a-way for. Then I slips him +two-bits and I don't begrudge it to him, neither, account of it giving +me such a satisfactory feeling to be high-toning a white boy. + +I says to myself that if this here is the annex where they boards the +transom[2] help, what must the main part of the hotel where the regular +guests stays at be like? Because my room certainly is mighty +stylish-looking and full of general grandeur. But I ain't got no time to +be staying there and enjoying the furniture, because I knows Mr. Dallas +will be needing me for to come and wait on him. So I starts right out to +find him and it seems like I travels half a mile through +them hallways before I does so. He's got a big setting-room all to +himself and a fashionable bedroom and a special bath and a little +special hall and all. + +I says to him, I says: + +"Mr. Dallas, they shore must be monstrous set-up over havin' you pick +out they hotel fur us to stop at. Look how the reception committee +turned out fur you downstairs in full regalia? Look how they mouty nigh +broke they necks fur to usher you in in due state? And now ef they ain't +done gone an' 'sign you to the bridal chamber an' give you the upstairs +parlor fur yore own use, mo' over! It p'intedly indicates to me 'at they +sets a heap of store by you." + +He sort of laughs at that. + +"Why, Jeff," he says, "if you think this is a fine lay-out you should +see some of the other _suites_ they have here." + +I says: + +"I ain't cravin' to see 'em. I done seen sweetness 'nuff ez 'tis. They +su'ttinly is usin' us noble." + +He says they should ought to use us noble seeing what the price is they +charges us. He says: + +"Do you know what I'm paying here for the accommodations for the two of +us? I'm paying twenty-seven dollars and a half." + +I says to him if that's the case he better let me clear out of there +right brisk and skirmish round and find me a respectable colored +boarding house somewheres handy by, so's to cut down the expenses, +because, I don't care what anybody says, twenty-seven dollars and a half +is a sight of money to be paying out every week. + +He says: + +"Twenty-seven and a half a week--huh! Remember, Jeff, we are in New York +now where everything runs high. This stands me twenty-seven and a half a +day." + +I says to him, I says: + +"_Who-ee!_" I says. "No wonder they kin purvide fancy garments fur all +the hands an' buy solid gold bars fur the cage whar they keeps them +clerks penned up. Mr. Dallas," I says, "it shore is behoovin' on us to +eat hearty th'ee times a day in awder fur to git our money's worth +whilst we's boardin' yere." + +He says, though, for me not to overtax my appetite just on that account +because the eating is besides; he says we pays twenty-seven dollars and +a half a day just for our rooms. + +I says to him, I says: + +"Mr. Dallas, let's git out of yere befo' they begins chargin' us up fur +the air we breathes!" + +He says: + +"You're too late with your suggestion; they do charge us for that. The +air is all cleaned and cooled before it comes into these rooms." + +Then I knows for sure he is burlesqueing me. Who's going to hold the air +whilst they cleans it? And the Good Lord Himself can't chill air to +order in the middle of a August hot spell, let alone a lot of folks +running a hotel--can He? I asks Mr. Dallas them questions. + +But he just laughs and say to me that there's not no need to worry, +because he won't be staying there only just a day or so. He says Mr. H. +C. Raynor, which is his principalest friend in New York and the one +which he's thinking about maybe going into business with, has done +devised for us to hire some ready-furnished quarters still higher +up-town. He says something about 'em being Sublette quarters in a +department-house; leastwise that's what I makes out of what he says. +That's news to me in more ways than one because, in the first place, I +didn't know any of the Sublettes, which is a very plentiful white +connection in our county, had done moved up here to live, and in the +second place it seemed like to me there just naturally couldn't be no +more up-town to New York City than what I already had done observed +coming from the train. + +He goes on to say he is expecting to hear from the gentleman almost any +minute now and then he'll know better what the program is. Almost before +he gets the words out of his mouth the telephone bell rings and sure +enough, it is this here Mr. Raynor which is on the wire, and it turns +out that the place where we're going is ready for us now on account of +the folks which owns it having gone away sooner than what they expected, +and the further tidings is that we can move up there that same day, +which we does--along about an hour before supper-time. I notices they +don't make near as much fuss over us going thence from there as they did +whilst ushering of us in. I judges the man what owns the hotel must be +feeling kind of put-out about losing of all that there money which we'd +be paying him had we a-stayed on. + +We gets into a taxihack and we rides for what seems like to me it's +several miles and still are not nowheres near the outskirts as far as I +can judge, and when finally we gets to the new location I has another +astonishment. For here all day I've been expecting we'd land at a +private residence but this place to which we've come at don't look like +no private residence to me. It's more like the hotel we just left only +more bigger and mighty near as tall. In all other respects additional it +certainly is a grand establishment. + +It's got a kind of a private road so's carriages can drive in under +shelter off the sidewalk and 'way back inside is a round piece of ground +all fixed up with solid marble benches and little cedar trees and +flowerbeds, like a cemetery. I thinks to myself that maybe this here is +the private burying-plot for the owner's family; but still there ain't +no tombstones in sight excepting one over the front door with words cut +on it, and since I figures I has done showed ignorance enough for one +day, I don't ask no fool questions about it. The help here also wears +fancy clothes, but is my own color. I'm glad of that because I counts +now on having some black folks to get acquainted with and to talk to; +but just as soon as one of 'em opens his mouth and speaks I knows they +is not my kind even if they is my complexion. Because he don't talk like +no white folks ever I knowed and yet he don't talk like none of the +black folks does at home. Still, just from his conversation I can place +him. There was two just like him which was brought along once by a +Northern family staying in our town but they didn't linger long amongst +us. They didn't like the place and no more the place didn't like them. +They claimed they was genuine West Indians, whatever that is, and they +made their brags constant that they also was British subjects. But Aunt +Dilsey Turner she always said they looked more like objects to her. Aunt +Dilsey, which she was Judge Priest's cook for going on twenty years, is +mighty plain-spoken about folks and things which she don't fancy. And +she did not fancy these two none whatsomever. + +When we gets upstairs to our section I'm sort of disappointed in it. The +furniture ain't new and shiny like what I naturally expected 'twould be. +Most of it is kind of old and dingy and hacked-up-looking. The curtains +at the setting-room windows is all frayed-like and mighty near wore +through in spots. And the Sublette family must a-run out of money before +they got round to buying the carpets because they is not no carpets at +all but only a passel of old faded rugs scattered about the floor here +and there. Some of the chairs--the best company chairs, too--is so old +they is actually decrepit. I'd say that by rights they belonged in a +second-hand store, or leastways up in the attic. Moreover, they ain't no +upstairs to our department nor yet there is not no downstairs nor no +cellar, but instead, everything, kitchen, pantry, and the rooms for the +help and all, runs on one floor. But Mr. Dallas he deports himself like +he is satisfied and it ain't for me to be finding fault if he sees +fitten not to find any. + +Anyway, I is so busy for a little while flying round and getting things +unpacked that I has no time to utter complaints. Pretty soon, though, I +has to knock off hanging up Mr. Dallas' suits to mix a batch of +cocktails from the private stock he has brought along with him in one of +his trunks, because this here Mr. Raynor he telephones he's bringing +some of his friends for a round of drinks with Mr. Dallas and then Mr. +Raynor says they'll ride out in his motor-car to a road-house to get 'em +some dinner. I takes his message off the telephone and I knows that's +what he says, surprising though it do sound. + +That's a couple of new ones on me--eating dinner when it's already +mighty near past supper-time and eating it at a road-house, too! I says +to myself that New York City is getting to act more curiouser to me +every minute I stays in it. Because the only road-house ever I knowed of +by that name used to stand alongside the toll-gate just outside the +corporation limits on the Mayfield road and the old white man which +collected the tolls lived in it, his name being Mr. Gip Bayless. But the +gate is done torn down since the public government taken over the gravel +roads, and anyhow, even in its most palmiest days, none of the quality +wouldn't never think of stopping there at that little old rusty house +for their vittles. They'd mighty near as soon think of having a picnic +at the pest-house. + +Still and notwithstanding, Mr. Dallas ain't indicating no surprise when +I conveys to him what Mr. Raynor says, so I reflects to myself that if +toll-gate houses up here is in proportion to everything else this one +which they're aiming to go to, must probably be about the size of a +county courthouse, with a slate roof on it and doubtless a cupola. So I +just gets busy and mingles up a batch of powerful tasty cocktails in +the shaker. I knows they is tasty from a couple of private samples which +I pours off for myself out in the pantry. My experience has been that +the only way you can tell is a cocktail just right is to taste it from +time to time as you goes along. + +Immediately soon here comes Mr. Raynor with his friends which there is +four of them, besides himself--one other gentleman named Bellows and +three ladies. One of the ladies is older than the other two, but +decorated more younger, if anything, than what they is. Introducing her +to Mr. Dallas, Mr. Raynor says her name is Mrs. Gaylord but they all +calls her Jerry. She's pretty near entirely out of eyebrows, but she has +got more than a bushel of hair which is all kind of frozen-looking and +curled up tight on her head. It don't look natural to me and I knows it +ain't natural a little bit later when Mr. Raynor sets down on the arm of +her chair and throws his arm around her sort of offhand and +sociable-like, and she up and tells him for Heaven's sake to be careful +and not muss her up because she says she's only just that day spent +forty dollars and four hours getting a permanent wave put in. + +At that I says to myself, I says: + +"Well, betwixt w'ites an' blacks we su'ttinly is mekin' the world safe +fur them beauty doctors. Niggers down South spendin' all the money they +kin rake an' scrape togither gittin' the kinkiness tuck out of they +haids an' fashionable ladies up yere spendin' their'n gittin' it put in! +It's a compliment to one race or the other, but jest w'ich I ain't +purpared to say." + +The other ladies is named Miss O'Brien and Miss DeWitt but it's kind of +hard for me at first to remember which from which seeing that the rest +of the party scarcely ever calls 'em anything except Pat and Bill-Lee. +They is both mighty nice and friendly but they is exclusively different +one from the other. Miss Pat she's got her hair chopped off short like a +little boy's and she acts kind of like a boy does, too--free and easy +and laughing a lot and smoking a cigarette so natural that it's like as +if she must a-been born with one in her mouth and it lighted. And yet +for all that, I seems to get the impression that way down underneath +she's kind of tired of herself and everything around her. + +But this here Miss DeWitt she is tall and slender and kind of quiet. She +must a-been feeling poorly lately because her face is just dead-white +and her lips is still bright red from the fever and when she sets down +in a chair she just seems to kind of fall back into it, all limp-like. +She ain't saying much with her mouth but she does a sight of talking +with her eyes which is big and black and sort of lazy-like most of the +time. She sure is decked up with jewelry like the Queen of Sheba, too. +She's got big heavy necklaces round her neck and great long ear-rings in +her ears and many bracelets on both her arms. She's even got two big +bracelets clamped round one of her ankles, which I judges she didn't +have room for 'em nowheres else and so put 'em there to keep from losing +'em; and when she moves the jewelry all jingles freely and advertises +her. She walks with a kind of a limber swimming gait, soft and glideful; +of course it ain't exactly like swimming and yet that's the only way I +can designate what her walking puts me in mind of. She wears dead black +clothes and that makes her paleness seem all the more so. + +Right from the first jump I can see that Mr. Dallas is drawed to her +powerful, and I thinks to myself that if he's fixing to favor this here +languid lady with his attentions it proves he's got a changeable taste +because she ain't nothing at all similar to Miss Henrietta Farrell, +which she is the one that he's been courting these past few months down +in Kentucky. In fact, she's most teetotally unsimilar. + +This Mr. Bellows which came with Mr. Raynor he don't detain my attention +much. If he wasn't there you wouldn't scarcely miss him; and when he is +there you don't scarcely observe him. He makes me think of a neat +haircut and nothing else. You just appreciate him being present and +that's all. But I studies Mr. Raynor every chance I gets, the more +especially because he's the one which is more or less responsible for us +having come North. He's very cheering in his ways; laughing and +whooping out loud at everything and poking fun and telling Mr. Dallas +that he must be good friends with Mr. Bellows and the three ladies +because they is all four of 'em his friends. But I takes note that when +he laughs he don't laugh with his eyes but only with his mouth, and when +he sort of smiles to himself, quiet-like, it puts me in mind of a man +drawing a knife. I can't keep from having a kind of a feeling when I +looks at him! + +Well, they imbibes up all the cocktails that I has waiting for them and +a batch more which I makes by request and then they packs up a couple of +bottles--one Scotch and one Bourbon--to take along with 'em for to +refresh themselves with at the road-house and off they puts. And the +last thing I hears as they goes down the hall is Mr. Raynor still +laughing from off the top of his palates and the sickly one, Miss +DeWitt's necklaces and things all jingling like a road-gang. Mr. Dallas +he calls back to me from the elevator that I needn't wait up for him +because it is liable to be pretty late when he gets in. But it's a good +thing I does wait up, dozing off and on between times, because when he +arrives back, along about half past three in the morning, he certainly +does need my assistance getting his clothes off of him. Not since Dryness +come in has I seen a young white gentleman more thoroughly overtaken than +what he is. And we got a-plenty vigorous drinkers down our way, too! And +always did have! + +So then I goes to bed myself and that's the end of our first day. And +the following day, which it was yesterday, is the day I gets lost. + +Which I will tell about that, next. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[2] Note.--It is believed that Jeff meant "transient." + + + + +Chapter IV + +_Harlem Heights_ + + +Well, in the morning I arranges a snack of nuturious breakfast on a tray +and takes it in to Mr. Dallas. But he ain't craving nothing solid to +eat. He's just craving to lay still and favor his headache. Soon as he +opens his eyes he starts in groaning like he's done got far behind with +his groaning and is striving for to catch up. And I knows he must a-felt +powerful good last night to be feeling so bad this morning. Misery may +love company, as some say it do, but I takes notice that very often she +don't arrive till after the company is gone. + +He tells me to take them vittles out of his sight and fix him up about a +gallon of good cold ice-water and set it alongside his bed in easy reach +and then I can leave him be where he is and go on out for awhile and +seek amusement looking at the sights and scenes of New York City. But +when I gets to the door he calls out to me I better make it two gallons. +Which I knows by that he ain't so far gone but what he still can joke. + +So I goes on out, just strolling along in a general direction, a-looking +at this and admiring of that; and there certainly is a heap for to see +and for to admire. The houses is so tall it seems like the sky is +resting almost on the tops of 'em and it's mighty near the bluest sky +and the clearest ever I seen. It makes you want to get up there and fly +round in it. But down below in the street there ain't so very much +brightness by reasons of the buildings being so high they cuts off the +daylight somewhat. It's like walking through a hollow betwixt steep +hills. + +People is stirring around every which-a-way, both on foot and in +automobiles; and most of the automobiles is all shined up nice and clean +like as if the owners was going to take part in an automobile parade in +connection with the convention. Everybody is extensively well-dressed, +too, but most all is wearing a kind of a brooding look like they had +family troubles at home or something else to pester 'em. And they ain't +stopping one another when they meets and saying ain't it a lovely +morning and passing the time of day, like we does down home. Even some +of them which comes out of the same house together just goes bulging on +without a word to nobody, and I remarks to myself that a lot of the +neighbors in this district must a-had a falling-out amongst themselves +and quit speaking. The children on the sidewalk ain't playing much +together, neither. Either they plays off by themselves or they just +walks along with their keepers. + +And there is almost as many dogs as there is children, mostly small, +fool-looking dogs; and the dogs is all got keepers, too, dragging 'em on +chains and jerking 'em up sharp when they tries to linger and smell +round for strange smells and confab with passing dogs. Near as I can +make out, the dogs here ain't allowed to behave like regulation dogs, +and the children mainly tries to act like as if they was already +growed-up, and the growed-up ones has caught the prevailing glumness +disease and I is approximately almost the only person in sight that's +getting much enjoyment out of being in New York. + +All of a sudden I hears the dad-blamedest _blim-blamming_ behind me. I +turns round quick and here comes the New York City paid fire department +going to a fire. The biggest fire-engine ever I sees goes scooting by, +tearing the road wide open and making a most awful racket. Right behind +comes the hook-and-ladder wagon with the firemen hanging onto both sides +of it, trying to stick fast and put their rubber coats on at the same +time; and right behind it comes a big red automobile, _licketty-split_. +Setting up alongside the driver of it is a gentleman in blue clothes and +brass buttons, which he's got a big cigar clamped betwixt his teeth and +looks highly important. But he ain't wearing a flannel shirt open at the +throat, but has got his coat on and it buttoned up, so I assumes it +can't be the chief of the department but probably must be the mayor. And +in lessen no time they all has swung off into a side street, two +squares away, with me taking out after 'em down the middle of the street +fast as I can travel. + +Now, every town where I've been at heretofore to this, when the +fire-bell rings everybody drops whatever they is doing and goes to the +fire. Elsewhere from New York, enjoying fires is one of the main +pleasures of people; but soon I is surprised to see that I'm pretty near +the only person which is trailing along after the department. Whilst I'm +still wondering over this circumstance, but still running also, a police +grabs me by the arm and asks me where is I going in such a big hurry? + +I tells him I is going to the fire. And he says to me that I might as +well slow up and save my breath because it's liable to be quite a long +trip for me. I asks him how come, and he says the fire is probably three +or four miles from here and maybe even considerable further than that. +And I says to him, that must make it mighty inconvenient for all +concerned, having the fires so far away from the engine-house. At that +he sort of chuckles and tells me to be on my way, but to keep my eyes +open and not let the cows nibble me. Well, as I says to myself going +away from him, I may be green, but I is getting some enjoyment out of +being here which is more'n I can say for some folks round these parts, +judging by what I has seen up to this here present moment. + +So I meanders along, looking at this and that, and turning corners every +once in awhile; and after a spell it comes to me that I has meandered +myself into an exceedingly different neighborhood from the one I started +out from. The houses is not so tall and is more or less rusty-looking; +and there's a set of railroad tracks running through, built up on a high +trestle; and whilst there has been a falling-off in dogs there has been +an ample increase in children; the place just swarms with 'em. These +here children is running loose all over the sidewalks and out in the +streets, too, but it seems like to me they spends more time quarreling +than what they does playing. Or maybe it sounds like quarreling because +they has to hollow so loud on account of all the noises occurring round +'em. + +I decides to go back, but the trouble is I don't rightly know which is +the right way to turn. I've been sashaying about so, first to the right +and then to the left, that I ain't got no more sense of direction than +one of these here patent egg-beaters. So I rambles on, getting more and +more bewilded-like all the time, till I comes to another police and I +walks up to him and states my perdicterment to him very polite and tells +him I needs help getting back to where I belongs at. + +He looks at me very strict, like he can't make up his mind whether he'd +better run me in for vagromcy or let me go, and then he says, kind of +short: + +"Make it snappy, then. Where d'ye live?" + +I tells him I has done forgot the name of the street, if indeed I ever +heard it, but from the looks of it I judges it must be the chief +resident street where the best families resides. I tells him we has just +moved in there, Mr. Dallas Pulliam and me, and has started up +housekeeping in the department-house which stands on the principal +corner. I tells him it's the department-house where the inmates all +lives in layers, one upon top of the other, like martins in a martin +box. + +"You mean apartment-house," he says; "department store, but +apartment-house. Well, what's the name of this apartment-house, then, if +you can't remember the street?" + +That makes me scratch under my hat, too. 'Cause I pointedly doesn't know +that neither. + +"Nummine the name, boss," I says, "jest you, please suh, tell me +whar'bouts is the leadin' apartment-house of this yere city of Noo Yawk; +that'll be it--the leadin'est one. 'Cause Mr. Dallas Pulliam he is +accustom' to the best whar'ever he go." + +But he only acts like he's getting more and more impatient with me. + +"Describe it," he says, "describe it! There's one chance in a thousand +that might help. What does it look like?" + +So I tells him what it looks like--how a little private road winds in +and circles round a little place which is like a family-burying-ground, +and about the hands downstairs at the front door all being from West +Indiana, and about there being two elevators for the residenters and one +more for the help, and about us having took over the Sublette family's +outfit and all. + +"No use," he says, when I gets through, "that sounds just like most of +the expensive ones." He starts walking off like he has done lost all +interest in my case. Then he calls back to me over his shoulder: + +"I'll tell you what's the matter with you," he says; "you're lost." + +"Yas, suh," I says; "thanky, suh--tha's whut I been suspicionin' my own +se'f," I says, "but I'm much oblige' you agrees wid me." + +Still, that ain't helping much, to find out this here police thinks the +same way I does about it. Whilst I is lingering there wondering what I +better do next, if anything, I sees a street-car go scooting by up at +the next crossing, and I gets an idea. If street cars in New York is +anything like they is at home, sooner or later they all turns into the +main street and runs either past the City Hall or to the Union Depot. So +I allows to myself that go on up yonder and climb aboard the next car +which comes along and stay on her, no matter how far she goes, till she +swings back off the branch onto the trunk-line, and watch out then, and +when she goes past our corner drop off. Doing it that-a-way I figures +that sooner or later I'm bound to fetch up back home again. + +Anyhow, the scheme is worth trying, 'specially as I can't seem to think +of no better one. So I accordingly does so. + +But I ain't staying on that car so very long; not more than a mile at +the most. The reason I gets off her so soon is this: All at once I +observes that I is skirting through a district which is practically +exclusively all colored. On every side I sees nothing but colored folks, +both big and little. Seemingly, everything in sight is organized by and +for my race--colored barber-shops, colored undertaking parlors, colored +dentists' offices, colored doctors' offices. On one corner there is +even a colored vaudeville theatre. And out in the middle of the streets +stands a colored police. Excusing that the houses is different and the +streets is wider, it's mighty near the same as being on Plunkett's Hill +of a Saturday evening. I almost expects to see that there Aesop Loving +loafing along all dressed up fit to kill; or maybe Red Hoss Shackleford +setting in a door-way following after his regular business of resting, +or old Pappy Exall, the pastor of Zion Chapel, rambling by, with that +big stomach of his'n sticking out in front of him like two gallons of +chitterlings wrapped up in a black gunny-sack. It certainly does fill me +with the homesickness longings! + +And then a big black man on the pavement opens his mouth wide, +nigger-like, and laughs at something till you can hear him half-a-mile, +pretty near it; which it is the first sure-enough laugh I has heard +since I hit New York. And right on top of that I catches the smell of +fat meat frying somewheres. + +I just naturally can't stand it no longer. Anyhow, if I'm predestinated +to be lost in New York City it's better I should be lost amongst my own +kind, which talks my native language, rather than amongst plumb +strangers. I give the conductor the high sign and I says to him, I says: + +"Cap'n, lemme off, befo' I jumps off!" + +So he rings the signalling bell and she stops and lets me off. And +verily, before I has went hardly any distance at all, somebody hails me. +I is wandering along, sort of miscellaneous, looking in the store +windows and up at the tops of the buildings, when a brown-complected man +steps up to me and sticks out his hand and he says: + +"Hello thar', Alfred Ricketts!--whut you doin' so fur 'way frum ole +Lynchburg?" + +I says to him he must a-made a mistake. And he says: + +"Go on 'way, boy, an' quit yore foolin'! This is bound to be Alfred +Ricketts 'at I uster know down in Lynchburg, Furginia. Leas'wise, ef +'tain't him it's his duplicate twin brother." + +I tells him no, my name ain't Alfred Ricketts--it's Jeff Poindexter from +Paducah, and I ain't never been in no place called Lynchburg in my whole +life as I knows of. + +He looks at me a minute in a kind of an onbelieving way and then he says +he begs my pardon, but his excuse is that I'm the exact spit-and-image +of this here Alfred Ricketts, which he says he's done played with him +many's the time, when they was both boys together. He says he ain't +never in all his born days seen two fellows which they wasn't no kin to +each other and yet looked so much similar as him and me does. He says +the way we favors each other is absolutely unanimous. He asks me to tell +him again what my name is and I does so, and then he says to me: + +"Whar'bouts you say you hails frum?" + +I says: + +"Paducah--tha's whar." + +He shakes his head kind of puzzled. + +"Paducah?" he says. "I ain't never heared tell of it. Whar is +it--Tennessee or Arkansaw?" + +I pities his ignorance, but I tells him where Paducah is located at. It +seems like the very sound of the name detains his curiosity. He just +shoots the inquiring questions at me. He wants to know how big is +Paducah and what is its main business, and what river is it on or close +to, and what railroads run in there, and a lot more things. So, seeing +he's a seeker after truth, I pumps him full. I tells him we not only is +got one river at Paducah, we is got two; and I tells him about what +railroads we've got running in; and about the big high water of 1913, +and about the night-rider troubles some years before that. I tells him a +heap else besides; mainly recent doings, such as Judge Priest having +retired, and the Illinois Central having built up their shops to double +size. Then he excuses himself some more and steps away pretty brisk, and +goes into a colored billiard parlor, and I continues on my lonesome way. + +But inside of five minutes another fellow speaks to me, and by my own +entitled name, too. Only, this one is a kind of a pale tallow-color with +a lot of gold teeth showing and very sporty dressed. He comes busting up +to me like he's overjoyed to see me, and says: + +"Hello, Jeff Poindexter--w'en did you git yere? You shore is a sight fur +the sore eyes! How you leave ever'body down in ole Paduke? An' how does +yore own copperosity seem to sagashuate?" + +All the time he's saying this he's clamping my hand very affectionate, +like I was his long-lost brother or something. I tells him his manner is +familiar, but that I can't place him. He acts surprised at +that--surprised and sort of hurt-like. He asks me don't I remember +George Harris from down home? I tells him the onlyest George Harris of +color I remembers is an old man which he does janiting for the First +National Bank. And he speaks up very prompt and says that's his uncle +which he is named for him and used to live with him out by the Illinois +Central shops. He says he really don't blame me so much for not placing +him, because he left there it's going on eight or nine years ago just +before the big high water; but he claims he used to meet me frequent, +and says I ain't changed much from the time when I used to be working +for Judge Priest. He says he's sure he'd a-recognized me if he'd a-met +up with me in China, let alone it's New York. He says he's been living +up North for quite a spell now, and is chief owner of a pants-pressing +emporium down the street a piece, and has a fine trade and is doing +well. And then, before I can get a stray word in edgeways, he goes on to +speak of several important things which has happened down home of late. +I breaks in and asks him how come he keeps such close track of events +'way down there seeing he's been away so long; and he says he's just +naturally so dog-gone fond of that town he subscribes regular for one of +the local papers and reads it faithful and hence that's how come he +keeps up so well with what's going on. + +"W'ich, speakin' of papers, 'minds me of somethin'," he says; "it 'minds +me 'at on 'count of readin' the papers so stiddy I has a sweet streak +of luck comin' to me this ver' day. I'd lak to tell you 'bout it, +Poindexter?" + +"Perceed," I says, "perceed." + +"I'm goin' to," he says, "but s'posen' fust we gits in off this yere +street an' sets down somewhars whar we kin be comfor'able an' not be +interrupted. Trouble wid me is," he says, "I knows so dad-blame many +people round yere, bein' prominent in business the way I is, 'at ef I +stands still more'n a minute somebody is shore to be comin' up an' +slappin' me on the back. Does you feel lak a light snack, Poindexter?" + +Well, it's getting to be close onto eleven o'clock now and I has not et +nothing since breakfast except fifteen cents' worth of peanut candy, so +I tells him I is agreeable. We goes into a restaurant run by, for and +with colored, and we sets down by ourselves off at a little table and he +insists that he's doing the paying-for on account of my being a boy from +his old home-town, and he says for me to go the limit, ordering. So I +calls for a bone sirloin and some fried potatoes and coffee and a mess +of hot biscuits and a piece of mushmelon and one thing and another. It +seems like, though, he ain't got much appetite himself. He takes just a +cup of coffee, and whilst I is eating all of that provender of his +generous providing, he tells me about this here streak of luck which has +come his way. + +First off, he begins by asking me has I heard tell about the Colored +Arabian Prince, which he is now staying in New York? I says no. He says +then I will be hearing about him if I sojourns long, because the Colored +Arabian Prince is the talk of one and all. He's stopping at the Palace +Afro-American Hotel, and he's got more money than what he can spend, and +he's going round the world studying how black folks lives in every +clime, and he's got thousands and thousands of dollars worth of jewelry +which he wears constant. But the piece of jewelry which he prizes as the +most precious of all, he lost it only yesterday; which it is a solid +gold pin shaped like a four-leaf clover with a genuine real Arabian ruby +set in the middle of it. This here gold-tooth boy he tells me this +while I is sauntering through the steak. And I can tell from the way he +says it that he's leading up to something. + +"Yas-suh," he says, "yistiddy is w'en he lose it. An' this mornin' he's +got a advertisement notice inserted in the cullid newspapers sayin' ez +how he stan' ready an' willin' to pay fifty dollars fur its return to +the hotel whar he is stoppin' at, an' no questions asted. An' yere 'bout +half-an-hour befo' I runs into you, I'm walkin' 'long the street right +up yere a lil' ways, an' I sees somethin' shiny layin' in the gutter an' +I stoops down an' picks it up, an' ef it ain't the Cullid Arabian +Prince's four-leaf clover pin, dog-gone me! An' yere it is, safe an' +sound." + +And with that he reach in his pocket and pull it out and let me look at +it a brief second. And I says to him that I don't begrudge him his good +luck none, only I wishes it might a-been me which had found it, because +fifty dollars would come in mighty handy. Then I says to him, I says: + +"I s'pose you is now on yore way to hand him back his belongin' an' +claim the reward?" + +But he shakes his head kind of dubiousome. + +"I tell you how 'tis, Poindexter," he says. "To begin wid, an' speakin' +in confidences ez one ole-time frien' to 'nother, I prob'ly is the +onlyest pusson in this yere city of Noo Yawk w'ich the Cullid Arabian +Prince might mek trouble fur me ef I wuz the one w'ich come bringin' him +back his lost pin. Ever since he's been yere he's been sendin' his +clothes over to my 'stablishment, w'ich it is right round the corner +frum the Palace Afro-American Hotel, to be pressed. An' ef I should turn +up now wid this yere pin he'd most likely ez not claim 'at I found it +stuck in one of his coat lapels an' taken it out an' kep' it. An' the +chances is he'd not only refuse fur to pay over the reward, but +furthermo' might raise a rookus an' cast a shadder on my good name w'ich +it su'ttinly would hurt my perfessional reppitation fur a Cullid Arabian +Prince to be low-ratin' me at-a-way. He's lak so many wealthy pussons +is--he's suspicious in his mind. So I don't keer to take no chances, +much ez I craves to feel them fifty dollars warmin' in the pa'm of my +hand. But ef a pusson w'ich wuz a puffec' stranger to him wuz to fetch +the pin in an' say he wuz walkin' 'long an' seen it shinin' an' picked +it up, he'd jes' hand the reward right over widout a mumblin' word." + +"Yas," I says, "tha's so, I reckin." + +"'Tain't no manner of doubt but whut hit's so," he says. "Poindexter," +he says, brisker-like, "I got an idee--it jest this yere secont come to +me: Whut's the reason w'y you can't be the ordained stranger w'ich teks +the pin back to him? You does so an' I'll low you ten dollars out of the +fifty fur yore time an' trouble. Whut say?" + +I studies a minute and then I says I is sociable to the notion. He says +he'll go along with me and point out to me the hotel where the Colored +Arabian Prince is stopping at and then tarry outside until I gets back +to him with the money. I says I'll go just as soon as I has et another +piece of mushmelon, which the first piece certainly was very tasty. So +he waits until I has done so and then he pays the check, which comes to +one-eighty for me and ten cents for him, and we gets up to start forth. +But just as we gets to the door, going out, he takes a look at a clock +on the wall and he says: + +"I can't go 'long wid you--you'll have to go by yo'se'f." + +I says: + +"Whyfore you can't go?" + +He says: + +"I jes' this minute remembers 'at I got to ketch the 'leven-forty-two +fur Hartford, Connecticut, whar I is gittin' ready to open up a branch +'stablishment--tha's whyfore. I been enjoyin' talkin' wid somebody frum +my own dear state so much 'at I lets the time slip by unbeknownst an' +now I jes' about kin git abo'de the train at the up-town station ef I +hurries." He scratches his head. "Lemme see," he says, "whut-all is we +goin' do 'bout 'at now?" Then it seems like he scratches an idea loose. +"I got it," he says. "Mainly on 'count of my bein' in sech a rush, an' +you bein' frum my home-town, I'm goin' mek you a heap sweeter +proposition 'en de one w'ich I already has made. I'm goin' halfen this +yere reward wid you; 'at's whut I'm goin' do. Yere's the plan: You jes' +hands me over twenty-five dollars now fur my sheer an' 'en you keeps the +ontire fifty w'ich he'll pay you. See? I knows I is a fool to be doin' +it, but gittin' to Hartford on time today 'll mean a heap mo' to me in +the long run 'en whut de diff'unce in the money would. How 'bout it, ole +boy?" + +I says to him that it listens all right to me, and I'd give him the +twenty-five in a minute, only I ain't got it with me. When I says that +his face falls so far his under-jaw mighty near grazes the ground, and +then he says: + +"Well, how much is you got? Is you got twenty--or even fifteen?" + +I says I ain't got nothing on me in the way of ready cash, only carfare. +But I says I is got something on me that's worth a heap more than +twenty-five dollars. + +And he says: + +"Whut is it?" + +I says: + +"It's this yere solid gold watch," I says. And I hauls it out and waves +it before his eyes. "It's wuth fully forty dollars," I says, "but I +ain't needin' it on 'count of havin' a still mo' handsomer one in my +trunk, w'ich it wuz give to me by a committee of the w'ite folks two +yeahs ago fur savin' a lil' w'ite boy from drowndin' off the upper +wharf-boat. You tek the watch an' give me, say ten dollars boot," I +says, "an' I'll collect the reward an' thar'by both of us 'll be mekin' +money," I says; "'cause you kin sell the watch anywhars fur not lessen +forty dollars. I done been offered 'at fur it befo' now." + +He studies a minute and then he says that whilst he ain't doubting my +word about the watch being worth that much money, still, business is +business, and before he consents we'll have to take it to a +jewelry-store half-a-square down the street and have it valued. + +I says to him, I says: + +"Tha's suitable to me, but," I says, "I thought you wuz in a sweat to +ketch a train?" + +"I'll tek the time," he says. "I kin hurry an' mek it. Come to think of +it," he says, "'at train don't leave the up-town station 'twell +'leven-fifty-fo'. 'Leven-forty-two is w'en she leaves frum down-town." + +"I'm glad to hear it," I says, "'cause w'en the jewelry-store man has +got th'ough 'zaminin' my watch we kin ast him to look at the pin, too, +an' tell us ef it's the genuwine article. It mout possibly be," I says, +"'at they wuz two of these yere clover-leaf pins floatin' round loose +an' one of 'em a imitation. By havin' it 'zamined 'long wid my watch, we +both plays safe." + +He stops right dead in his tracks. + +"Look yere, Poindexter," he says, "whut's the use of all 'is yere +projectin' round an' wastin' of time? You trusts me," he says, "an' I +trusts you--tha's fair. Yere, boy, you teks the pin an' collects the +reward. I teks the watch an' sells it fur whut I kin git fur it. Le's +close the deal 'cause I p'intedly is got to hurry frum yere." + +"Hole on!" I says. "How 'bout my ten dollars boot?" + +"I'll mek it five," he says. + +"Gimme the five," I says. + +So he counts out five ones and yells something to me about the Palace +Afro-American Hotel being straight down the street about half-a-mile, on +the left-hand side, and in another second he's gone from view round the +nearest corner. + +But I does not go to look for no Afro-American Hotel, nor yet for no +Colored Arabian Prince, neither. Something seems to warn me 'twould only +be a waste of time, so instead of which, as I steps along, I figures out +where I stands in the swap. And it comes to this: I is in to the extent +of five dollars in cash, also one dollar and eighty cents' worth of +nourishing vittles, and a clover-leaf pin, which it must be worth all of +seventy-five cents unless the price of brass has took a big fall. + +I is out to the extent of telling one lie about saving a little boy from +drowning and also one old imitation-gold watchcase without any +mechanical works in it. Likewise and furthermore, I can imagine the look +on that gold-tooth nigger's face when he gets time to take a good look +at what he's traded for, and that alone I values at fully two dollars +more in private satisfaction to J. Poindexter. So, taking one thing and +another, getting lost has been worth pretty close on to ten dollars, +besides which it has taught me the lesson that when a trusting stranger +goes forth in the Great City he's liable to fall amongst thieves, but if +only he stays honest himself and keeps his eye skinned, he cannot +possibly suffer no harm at the hands of the wicked deceiver. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +_Local Colored_ + + +It seems like having dealings with designing persons of my own color +must've made my mind act more keen. All at once I remembers that I seen +the name of our apartment-house carved on a big square tombstone over +the front door, and it comes to me that the same's name has got +something to do with grist-mills and something to do with lawsuits. I +studies and studies and then, like a flash, I gets it: + +Wheatley Court. + +With this much to work on, the rest is plenty easy. A man in a drugstore +consults in a telephone book and gives me the full specifications for +getting back to where I has strayed from, which it turns out it is fully +three miles away from there in a southeast direction. But I buys an +ice-cream soda and a pack of chewing-gum before I asks the drugstore +man for his friendly aid. Already I has took note of the fact that most +of the folks in New York acts like they hates to answer your questions +without you has done 'em some kind of a favor first. So I places this +man under obligations to me by trading with him and then he's willing to +help me. That is, he's willing, but he ain't right crazy with joy over +the idea of it. If I'd a-bought two ice-cream sodas I think probably +he's a-moved more brisk-like. Still, he does it. So, inside of an hour +more, what with riding part of the ways on street-cars and walking the +rest, I is home again and glad to be there. + +Even so, my being gone so long ain't put nobody out, because Mr. Dallas +is yet in bed, but is now thinking seriously about getting up. He +complains of feeling slightly better than what he did awhile back. +Still, he ain't got so very much appetite. Orange juice and black coffee +seems ample to satisfy his desires; he also continues to remain very +partial to the ice-water. He says he must hurry up and dress and get +outdoors because he's got an engagement to go with one of the ladies +which he met the night before and look at a little car which she's +thinking about buying it, but wants to get his expert opinion on it +first. He don't specify her name, but I guesses it's the puny one of the +two--this here Miss Bill-Lee DeWitt. + +Whilst I is laying out his clothes for him to put on he calls out to me +from the bathroom that I will doubtless be interested to know that we'll +be staying on in New York permanent. I asks him how come, and he says +he's passed his word to go in partners with this here Mr. H. C. Raynor +selling oil-properties. + +I says to him, I says: + +"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, but it sho' does look lak to me we is movin' +powerful fast. Only yistiddy we gits yere, an' today we is fixin' to +bust into bus'ness. Tha's travelin'!" + +He says you have to move fast in New York if you don't want to get run +over and trompled on and I says that certainly is the Gospel truth. And +he says when you meets up with an attractive proposition up here in +this country you is just naturally obliged to grab holt of it quick or +else somebody else 'll be beating you to it. I feels myself bound to +agree with that, too; and then he goes on shaving himself and abusing of +his skin for being so tender. + +I ponders a spell and then I asks him, sort of casual and +accidental-like, when was it that Mr. Raynor displayed this here +desirable business notion to him and he give his promise for to enter +into it? + +"Oh," he says, "it was late last night--after we started back from the +road-house. He's going to let me have a full half interest," he says. + +I don't say nothing out loud to that. But I casts my rolling eyes up to +the ceiling and I says in low tones to myself, I says: "_Uh_ huh, uh +_huh_!" just like that. + +That's all I says. And I makes sure he ain't overhearing me, but all the +time I'm doing considerable thinking. I'm thinking that, excusing one of +'em is white folks and the other is mulatto-complected and excusing that +one has got decorated teeth and the other one just plain teeth, there's +something mighty similar someway betwixt this here Mr. Raynor and that +there colored imposer, which he called himself George Harris. I can't +make up my mind whether it's their expressions or the way they looks at +you out of their eyes, or the engaging way they both has of being so +generous-like on short notice. But it pointedly must be something or +other, because when I broods about one I can't keep from brooding about +the other. + +But, naturally, I keeps all that to myself. After Mr. Dallas has done +gone out I fixes myself up something solid to eat and then, along about +three o'clock I drifts downstairs and engages in friendly conversation +with two of them West Indian boys. Before very long the subject of the +educated bones gets introduced into the talk someway, and it so happens +I has a set in my pocket and I gets 'em out and sort of cuddles 'em in +my hand and rattles 'em gentle; and one of the two boys feels persuaded +to suggest that, seeing as the work ain't pressing, us three might +ramble on back into a little kind of a store-room back of the main hall +downstairs and make a few passes just to keep the time from hanging +heavy on our hands. + +Now, privately I has always contended that craps-dice is meant for home +folks only. These here foreigners should not never toy with 'em if they +expects to get ahead in the world. So the entertainment turns out just +like I expected 'twould. When fifteen minutes, or maybe twenty, has gone +by very pleasantly there is not no reason why I should linger with 'em, +and I piroots back on upstairs taking along with me twenty-two dollars +and fifty cents of strange money to get acquainted with the spare change +in my pants pocket and leaving them two West Indian delegates holding a +grand lodge of sorrow betwixt themselves. + +So that is all of undue importance which happens on our second day. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +_Gold Coast_ + + +Time certainly does flitter by here in little old New York, as I has now +taken to calling it. Here it has been nearly six weeks since last I done +any authorizing, and a whole heap of things has come to pass since then; +yet, when I looks back at it, it seems like 'twas only yesterday when +last I held my pen in hand. + +Also in that time I has learned much. When I reflects back on how +sorghum-green I was when we landed here off the steam-cars, I actually +feels right sorry for myself--not knowing what a road-house was, and +figuring that when somebody mentioned sub-let apartments they was +describing the name of a family, and getting lost in Harlem the first +time I went forth rambling, and all them other fool things which I done +and said at the outsetting of our experiences! No longer ago than last +evening I was saying to some of the fellow-members up at the Pastime +Colored Pleasure and Recreation Club, on One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth +street, that it's a born wonder they didn't throw a loop over me and +cart me off to the idiotic asylum for safety keeping till the newness +had done wore off. + +I must also say for Mr. Dallas that he's progressed very rapid, too. And +likewise the new business must be paying him powerful well right from +the go-off, because we certainly is rolled up in the lap-robes of luxury +and living off the top skimmings of the cream. + +Before we has been here a week I notices there's a change taking place +in Mr. Dallas. He's beginning to get dissatisfied with things as they is +and craving after things as they ain't. Near as I can figure it out, +he's caught a kind of restlessness disease which it appears to afflict +everybody up in these parts, one way or another. It seems like to me, +though, he must a-taken it early and in a violent form. + +The first symptoms is when he fetches in one of these here little +slick-headed Japanee boys to do the cooking and et cetera, so's I can +wait on him more exclusively. Anyway, that's the reason which he assigns +to me, but all the same I retains my own personal views on the matter. +We don't need no extra hands to help run our establishment no more'n we +needs water in our shoes, and my onspoken opinion is that Mr. Dallas +thinks maybe the place look more high-tonish by having an imported +strange foreigner fussing round. Privately, I don't lose no time +designating to this here Koga, which is the slick-headed boy's name, +where he gets off so far as I is concerned. No sooner does he arrive in +amongst our midst than I tolls him back into the far end of the butler's +pantry and I says to him, I says: + +"Yaller kid, lis'sen: I ain't 'sponsible fur yore comin' yere, but jest +so shorely ez you starts messin' in my bus'ness I'm goin' be 'sponsible +fur yore everlastin' departure. You 'tends to yore wu'k an' I 'tends to +mine an' tharby we gits along harmonious. But one sign of meddlin' frum +you an' I'll jest reach back yere to my flank pocket whar I totes me a +hosstile razor an' 'en you better pick out w'ich one of these yere +winders you perfurs to jump out of." + +He just sort of grins at that and sucks some loose air in betwixt his +front teeth. + +"Tha's right," I says, "save up yore breathin', 'cause ef I teks after +you you'll shore require to have plenty of it on hand fur pu'pposes of +fast travelin'. Chile," I says, "you's had yore warnin'--so harken an' +give heed or else you'll find yo'se'f carved up so fine they'll have to +fune'lize you on the 'stallment plan. Mr. Dallas he may be the big +boss," I says, "but you lakwise better pay a heap of 'tention to the +fust assistant deputy sub-boss w'ich I'm," I says, "him." + +Saying thus I gives him a savigrous look backward over my shoulder and +walks away stepping kind of light on my feet like a cat fixing for to +pounce. He ain't saying a word; he's just standing there reserving some +more breath. + +Of course I ain't really aiming to start no race war. Always it has been +my constant aim to keep out of rough jams with one and all but, even +so, I figures that it's just as well to get the jump on that there +Japanee human-siphon and render him tame and docile from the beginning. + +Next thing is that Mr. Dallas begins faulting the clothes he brought +along with him from home. He says to me they appeared all right when he +was having 'em made to order for him by M. Marcus & Son, corner of Third +and Kentucky Avenue, which that is our leading merchant-tailor, but he +can see now that they ain't got the real New York snap to 'em. And the +ensuing word is that one of them swell Fifth Avenue shops is making him +a full new outfit. Well, I must admit that suits me from the ground up; +it's a sign to me I'm about to inherit. + +And the next thing is that he invests in several cases of fancy +drinkings which a bootlegging white man fetches it up to us under cover +of the darkness. I sees Mr. Dallas counting out the money for to pay +him, and it certainly amounts to an important sum. I ain't questioning +the wisdom of this step neither, seeking that the stock we fetched +along with us from the South is vanishing very brisk, and the new supply +ought to last me and him for no telling how long, if we both is careful. + +The trouble with Mr. Dallas, though, is he ain't careful. Scarcely a day +passes without some of his new-made Northern friends dropping in on him +and sopping up highballs and cocktails and this and that. That there Mr. +Bellows is one of our most earnest customers. He'll set down empty +alongside a full bottle and stay right there till the emptiness and the +fullness has done changed places. Also, when it comes to liberal +consuming of somebody else's liquor, Mr. H. C. Raynor has his ondoubted +merits. And when Mr. Dallas gives a party, which he does frequent and +often, the wines and such just flows like manna from the rod of Jonah. +Still, that ain't pestering me much. When white folks lives high in the +front parlor niggers gets fat back in the kitchen. + +Then on top of all this he buys himself an automobile and hires a white +chauffeur for to run her. She's one of these here low-cut, +high-powerful cars which when you wants to go somewheres in a hurry you +just steps on her and--_b-z-z-z_--you is done arrived! But she's plenty +costive to run. Every time she takes a deep breath there's another +half-gallon of gasoline gone. If the truth must be known, Mr. Dallas has +not only bought one car; he's bought two. But we don't see the second +one, which is a dark blue runabout, only when Miss Bill-Lee comes round, +because it seems Mr. Dallas has loaned it out to her for her own use, +him paying the garage bills. Betwixt themselves they speaks of it as a +loan, but I thinks to myself that this probably is predestinated to be +one of the most permanent loans in the history of the entire loaning +business. + +So it goes. Every day, pretty near it, delivery boys comes knocking at +the service door bringing this and that for Mr. Dallas. If it ain't half +a dozen fresh pairs of shoes it's a sack-full of these here golf +utensils or some new silk pyjamas; and if it ain't another motoring coat +or an elaborous smoking jacket, it's a set of silver-topped brushes and +combs and bottles and things for his toilet table, with his initials cut +on 'em. It seems like he must stop in somewheres every morning on his +way down-town to business and buy himself something. So I judges the +money must be coming in mighty brisk at the bung-hole, because it +certainly is pouring out mighty steady from the spigots. + +It also must be a powerful handy and convenient business to be in, for +not only does it appear to pay so well, but it practically almost runs +itself. Often Mr. Dallas ain't starting down-town till the morning is +'most gone, and sometimes he gets back home as early as four o'clock in +the evening. Come Saturday, he don't go near the headquarters at all. +That astonishes me deeply, because down home on a Saturday the stores +all stays open till late at night on account of the country people +coming into town and the hands at the tobacco warehouses and the +factories and all being paid off, and the niggers being out doing their +trading. Especially the niggers. You take the average one of 'em, and +if he can't spend all he's got on Saturday night, it practically spoils +his Sunday for him. He ain't aiming to waste none of his money, saving +it. So, with us, Saturday is the busiest day in the week. But seemingly +not so in this locality. + +In fact, so far as I observes to date, the folks up here has got a +special separate system of their own for doing pretty near everything. +More times than one enduring this past month I has said to myself that +there certainly is a big difference betwixt Paducah and New York City. +You don't notice it so much in Paducah, but, lawsy, how it does prone +into you when you gets to New York! + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +_Country Side_ + + +For instances, now, take this here Saturday last past. Down home Mr. +Dallas would a-been down to that there oil-office of his bright and +early shaking hands with the paying customers and helping boss the +clerks whilst they drawed off the oil, and all. But nothing like that +don't happen here with us--no sir, not none whatsomever. He lays in bed +until it's going on pretty near ten o'clock and then he gets up and I +packs him, and along about dinner-time, which they calls it lunch-time +round this town, we puts out in the car to the country for a week-end. +Only, for the amount of baggage we totes with us you'd a-thought it was +going to be a month-end. I'm tooken along to look after his clothes and +to do general valetting for him. + +We takes Mr. Raynor and Mr. Bellows and the permanent-wavy lady, Mrs. +Gaylord, along with us. Miss DeWitt and Miss O'Brien is also headed for +the same place we is, but they comes in the blue runabout traveling +close behind us. By now, I has done learned not to expect Mrs. Gaylord +to bring a husband with her. It seems like she can get 'em, but she +can't keep 'em. She's been married three times in all; but from what I +can hear, her first husband hauled off and died on her and the second +one kind of strayed off and never come back. I ain't heard 'em say what +happened to the present incumbent but since he ain't never been +produced, I judge he must've got mislaid someway, so now she's +practically all out of husbands again. Still, she seems to be bearing up +very serene at all times. If she misses 'em she don't let on. + +Well, we loads up the car with the white folks, and with valises and +golf-sacks and one thing and another and starts for the country. But I +must say for it that it's totally unsimilar to any country like what I +has been used to heretofore. The front yards which we passes all looks +like the owners must take 'em in at nights and in the mornings brush +'em off good and put 'em back outdoors again; and most of the residences +is a suitable size to make good high-school buildings or else +feeble-mind institutes, and even the woodlots has a slicked-up +appearance like as if they'd just come back that same day from the +dry-cleaner's. In more'n an hour's steady travel I don't see a single +rail fence nor a regulation weed-patch nor a lye kettle nor an +ash-hopper nor a corn-crib nor a martin-box nor a hound-dog nor a +smoke-house nor scarcely anything which would signify it to be +sure-enough country. I thinks to myself that if a cotton-tail rabbit was +aiming to camp out here he'd naturally be obliged to pack his bedding +along with him. + +When we arrives where we is headed for I is still further surprised +because, beforehand, Mr. Dallas tells me we is going to stop at a +country-place, but it looks to me more like a city-hall which has done +strayed far off from its functions and took root in a big clump of trees +alongside the river. Why, it's got more rooms in it than our new county +infirmary's got and grounds around it all beautiful like a cemetery. It +belongs to a very spry-acting lady named Mrs. Banister, which she is a +friend of Mrs. Gaylord's. There's a Mr. Banister, too, but as far as I +can judge, the lady is the sole proprietor and his job is just being +Mrs. Banister's Mr. and helping with the drinks when the butler is busy +doing something else. I hears the cook saying out in the kitchen that he +can also mix a very tasty salad-dressing. Well, that's what he looks +like to me, just a natural-born salad-dressing mixer. + +But we don't arrive there until it's getting towards four o'clock by +reason of us stopping for quite a sojourn at a tea-house along the road. +Leastwise, they calls it a tea-house, but its principalest functions, so +far as I can note, is to provide accommodations for folks to dance and +to drink up the refreshments which they've fetched along with 'em in +pocket flasks; and you might call that tea if you prefers to, but it's +the kind of tea which now sells by the case for cash down and is +delivered at your house after dark. + +That's mainly what our outfit does there--dance and refresh themselves +with what the gentlemen brought along on their hips. From where I'm +setting in the car outside I can see 'em weaving in and out amongst the +tables whilst a string-band plays jazzing tunes for 'em to dance by. But +Mr. Dallas don't appear to be getting the hang of it so very well and +the chauffeur, who's setting there with me, he allows probably the boss +ain't caught on to these here new dances yet. + +I says to him, I says: + +"Huh! Does you call 'at a new dance?" + +He says: + +"Sure--the newest one of 'em all. That's the Reitzenburger Grapple--it's +just hit town." + +And I says: + +"Then it shore must a-been a long time on the road, gittin' yere; 'cause +niggers down my way," I says, "wuz dancin' 'at air dance fully ten yeahs +ago--only they done so behind closed doors," I says, "bein' 'feared the +police mout claim disawd'ly conduct an' stop 'em frum it." + +He says: + +"Did you ever dance it?" + +I says to him: + +"Who, me? Many's a time. But not lately," I says. + +"What made you stop?" he says. + +"I got religion," I says. + +There was also considerable careless dancing done at the Banister place +that night and early the following morning. In fact, there was +considerable of a good many things done there that Saturday and +Sunday--tennis and golf and horseback-riding and billiards and pool and +going in swimming in a private lake on the premises and playing a card +game which they calls it auction-bridge, and eating and drinking and +smoking. Everybody is so busy all day changing clothes for the next +event they ain't got very much time for the thing that's on at the time +being. But when the night-time comes the ladies strips down to +full-dress and all hands just settles in for the three favorite sports, +which is dancing and cards and drinks, both long and short. I has seen +thirsty gentlemen before in my day but to the best of my recollection I +ain't never encountered no ladies that seemed so parched-like as one or +two of these here ladies was. I'm thinking in particular of Mrs. +Gaylord. She certainly is suffering from a severe attack of the genuine +parchments. But I'll say this much for her--she's doing her level best +to get shut of it by taking the ordained treatment. That Saturday +evening whilst I is upstairs in Mr. Dallas' room laying out his +dress-clothes, the guests, about a dozen of 'em is out in the front yard +setting round little tables where I can see 'em from the window, and +every time I passes the window and looks out it seems like she's being +served with a little bit more. She carries it just beautiful, though; +she certainly has my deep personal admirations for her capacity. But +next day when she comes down stairs she acts dauncy and low-spirited for +awhile. She's got on a fresh complexion, to be sure, but even so she +looks sort of weather-beaten 'round the eyes. You take 'em when they is +either prematurely old or else permanently young and the morning is +always the most tellingest time on 'em. Well, several of those present +ain't feeling the best in the world, seemingly, that Sunday when they +strolls forth for late breakfast 'long about half past eleven. It was +after three o'clock before they dispersed and some of 'em ain't entirely +got over it yet--they is still kind of dispersed-looking, if you gets my +meaning. + +Well, all day Sunday is just like Saturday evening was, only if +anything, more so; and late Sunday night the party busts up and scatters +and we starts back to town. Mr. Dallas he elects for to ride back in the +runabout with Miss Bill-Lee so that throws Miss O'Brien, the one which +they calls Pat for short, into the big car with the rest of our crowd. +Starting off she quarrels right peart with Mrs. Gaylord. I gathers that +they was partners at the bridging game part of the time and they can't +get reconciled with one another over the way each one of 'em handled her +cards. The more they scandalizes about it the more onreconciled they +gets, too. It seems like each one thinks the other don't scarcely know +how to deal, let alone play the hands after she gets 'em. Setting there +listening to 'em carrying on I thinks to myself these here Northern +white folks must hate to lose even a little bit of money. I knows these +two ladies couldn't a-lost much neither--I heard Mr. Raynor saying +beforehand they was going to play five cents a point. But to overhear +'em debating now, you'd a-thought it had been a real stiff game, like +dollar-limit poker, say, or set-back at six bits a corner. + +After awhile Miss Pat she quits argufying and drops off to sleep and Mr. +Bellows he likewise drifts off into a doze and that leaves Mrs. Gaylord +and Mr. Raynor talking together in the back seat kind of confidential. +But the hood of the car being over 'em it seems like it throws their +voices forward, and setting up with the chauffeur I can't keep from +eavesdropping on part of what they is confabbing about. + +Presently I hears Mr. Raynor saying: + +"Well, you never can guess in advance what a sap will like, can you? You +would have thought he'd fall for a kiddo with a good, strong up-to-date +tomboy line, like little Patsy here. But no--not at all! He takes one +look into those languishing eyes of our other friend and goes down and +out for the count. Funny--eh, what? Well, it only goes to show that +while the vamp stuff is getting a trifle old-fashioned it still pays +dividends--if only you pick the right customer." + +Then I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying: + +"Her system may be a bit _passé_ but you can't say she doesn't work fast +once she gets under way. Clever, I call it." + +"Clever?" he says, "you bet! She works fast and she works clean, tidying +up as she goes along and burying her own dead. I always did say for her +that when it came to being a gold-digger she had the original +Forty-niners looking like inmates of the Bide-a-Wee Home. Fast? I'll say +so!" + +"She has need to be fast, working opposition to you, Herby, dear," says +Mrs. Gaylord. "Speaking of expert blood-suckers, I shouldn't exactly +call you a vegetarian." + +"Hush, honey," he says, "let's not talk shop out of business hours. And +anyhow," he says, "I don't mind a little healthy competition on the +side. It stimulates trade under the main tent--if it's done in +moderation." + +"You should know, Herby," she says sort of laughing; "with your +experience you should know if anybody does." + +Then he laughs, too, a kind of a low and meaning chuckle, and they goes +to talking about something else. + +But I has done heard enough to set me to studying mighty earnest. +Neither one of 'em ain't specifying who they means by "he" and "she" but +I can guess. Once more I says to myself, I says: + +"_Uh huh, uh huh!_" + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +_Dark Secrets_ + + +Some of the folks which has been following our experiences, as I has +wrote them down, might think it was my bounden duty to go straight-away +to Mr. Dallas and promulgate to him these here remarks which I hears +pass betwixt Mr. H. C. Raynor and the permanent-wavy lady on that Sunday +night six weeks ago, coming back from our week-end in the country. But I +does not by no means see my way clear to doing so. In the first place, I +ain't never been what you might call a professional promulgator. In the +second place, I figures the time ain't ripe to start in telling what I +believes and what I suspicions. In the third place, I don't know yet if +it ever will be ripe. + +Some white folks, seems like, is just naturally beset with a craving to +bust into colored folkses' business and try for to run their personal +affairs for 'em. Mr. Dallas, he is not gaited that way in no particular +whatsoever; him having been born and raised South and naturally knowing +better anyhow; but some I might mention is. Still, and even so, most +white folks don't care deeply for anybody at all, much less it's +somebody which is colored, to be telling 'em onpleasant and onwelcome +tidings. And he is white and I is black--and there you is! + +Another way I looks at it is this way: There's a whole heap of white +folks, mainly Northerners, which thinks that because us black folks +talks loud and laughs a-plenty in public that we ain't got no secret +feelings of our own; they thinks we is ready and willing at all times to +just blab all we knows into the first white ear that passes by. Which I +reckon that is one of the most monstrous mistakes in natural history +that ever was. You take a black boy which he working for a white family. +Being on close relations that-a-way with 'em he's bound to know +everything they does--what they is thinking about, what-all they hopes +and what-all they fears. But does they, for their part, know anything +about how he acts amongst his own race? I'll say contrary! They maybe +might think they knows but you take it from J. Poindexter they +positively does not do nothing of the kind. All what they gleans about +him--his real inside emotions, I means--is exactly what he's willing for +'em to glean; that and no more. And usually that ain't so much. + +Yes sir, the run of colored folks is much more secretious than what the +run of the white folks give 'em credit for. I reckon they has been made +so. In times past they has met up with so many white folks which taken +the view that everything black men and black women done in their lodges +or their churches or amongst their own color was something to joke about +and poke fun at. Now, you take me. I is perfectly willing to laugh with +the white folks and I can laugh to order for 'em, if the occasion +appears suitable, but I is not filled up with no deep yearnings to have +'em laughing at me and my private doings. 'Specially if it's strange +white folks. + +Furthermore there's this about it: I've taken due notice that, whites +and blacks alike, pretty near anybody will resent your coming to 'em on +your own say-so and telling 'em right out of a clear sky that they is +making a grievous big mistake in doing this or that. If they themselves +takes the lead--if they seeks you out of their own accord and says to +you, confidential-like, they is in a peck of trouble and craves to know +how they is going to get out from under the load--why, that's different. +Then you can step in, in friendship's name, and do your best to help 'em +unravel the tangle which they has got themselves snarled up in it. If +you asks me, I would say that advice gets a heap warmer welcome where +you goes hunting for it than where it comes hunting for you. And, +likewise, sympathy is something which you appreciates all the more if +you went out shopping for it yourself. You don't want it to come +knocking at the door like one of these here old peddlers taking orders +for enlarging crayon portraits and forcing its way right into your +fireside circle whether or no, and camping there in your lap. + +Moreover, speaking in particular of our own case, what right has I got +to be intimating to Mr. Dallas my private beliefs about the private +characters of this here brisk crowd which he has gone and got so thick +with since we arrived here on the scene? Right from the first I has had +my own personal convictions about the set he's in with. I has made up my +mind that they ain't the genuine real quality; that they is just a +slicked-up, highly-polished imitation of the real quality; that they +ain't doing things so much as they is overdoing 'em. The way I looks at +it, they bears the same relation to regulation high-toney folks which a +tin minnow does to sure-enough live bait. You maybe might fool a fish +with it but you couldn't fool the world at large for so very long. And +as for me, I ain't been fooled at all, not at no time. But I naturally +can't go stating my presenterments to Mr. Dallas without he the same as +practically invites me first for to do so. Now, can I? But if he finds +it out for himself and approaches me, that's a roan horse of another +color. + +So the above reasons is why I is at present keeping my mouth shut in +front of him about what concerns him solely. Besides, so many things +continues to happen from day to day here in New York it keeps me right +busy just staying up with the procession and not overlooking the stray +bets. For instances, now, there's my moving-picture scheme which I +thinks up out of my own head and which promises to turn out mighty +profitable if everything goes well. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +_Movie-Land_ + + +Having so much else to keep track of I has plumb forgot up till now to +set forth how comes it we gets ourselves interested in the movies. You +see, both Miss Pat and Miss Bill-Lee is in that line, although not +working at it very steady. In fact, practically all our crowd lets on to +be doing something or other for to earn a living when they can't think +of nothing else to do. It seems like Mr. Bellows sets himself up to be +one of these here interior decorators, which I don't know exactly what +that is, though I has my notions for I has seen him decorating. + +Let somebody else provide the materials and he's right there with the +interior. Mrs. Gaylord she's an alimony-collector by profession and +doing right well at her trade, too, from all I can gather. And Mr. +Raynor he calls himself a broker. I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once, +sort of joking, that being a broker is the present tense of being broke, +which I reckon that is not only grammar but facts, except when somebody +like Mr. Dallas comes along with ready cash on hand. But the two young +ladies has both been in theatricals for going on several years now, +first on the old-fashioned talking stage and more lately with the films; +so naturally there's a right smart talk about films and screens and all, +going on from time to time. + +It seems like all hands amongst 'em agrees there's a heap of money in +the film business if only the right folks was to take hold of it and get +it away from the parties which is now trying to run it. It also seems +that if only Miss Bill-Lee could get the proper sort of a chance, which +she can't on account of jealousy and one thing and another, she'd be a +brightly shining star in no time. All she needs is for somebody to put +her out in a piece which'll suit her and then she'll be a sensational +success and all concerned will make more money than they'll know what to +do with. I hears her saying so more than once to Mr. Dallas, all the +time looking at him with them yearning big black eyes of hers. It seems +like that is the one thing which she requires for to make her perfectly +happy. And seeing as how that appears to be Mr. Dallas' chief aim in +life these times--making Miss Bill-Lee more happy--I says to myself that +first thing we know we'll be investing in a new line on the side. Mr. +Raynor, though, he ain't so favorable to the notion. I can tell that he +don't want Mr. Dallas to be spreading his play 'round so promiscuous. It +ain't so much what he says; it's by the way he looks when the subject +comes up that I can figure out what his private emotions is. + +Anyhow, the upshot is that Mr. Dallas takes to spending considerable of +his spare time at a studio up-town where the two young ladies works, +getting pointers and so on. One evening--I should say, one afternoon--he +telephones down to the apartment for me to bring one of his heavy +overcoats up there to him because, what with late fall-time being here +now, the weather has turned off sort of cold; and that's how befalls +that I gets my look at the insides of one of these here studio places, +which I must say, alongside of the one I seen, a crazy-house is plumb +rational and abounding in restfulness. + +From the outsides it looks to be like something suitable for a tobacco +stemmery or maybe a skating-rink, but once I gets past the watchman on +the outer door--_Who-ee!_ That's all--_Who-ee!_ I stops close by the +door and for a spell I watches what's going on and I thinks to myself +that whilst there may be a-plenty of money in the moving-picture +business, and doubtless is, the bulk of it is liable to stay in it +permanent. Never before in my whole life has I seen so many folks +letting on like they was fixing for to transact something important and +then not doing it. If they was all on piece-work they couldn't earn +enough to pay for half-soling the shoes which they wears out running +about getting in one another's way. But as I understands it, they mainly +is hired by the day and not by the job, and my heart certainly goes out +in sympathetical feelings for the man, whoever he may be, that's +footing the bills at the end of the week. If I was him I'd charge +general admittance for the public to come in and witness these here +carryings-on, and thereby get some part of my wastage back. + +Almost the first thing which distracts my attention is a +pestered-looking man with a pair of these here high leather leggings on, +like he was fixing to go horse-back riding but in his frenzy has mislaid +the horse; which he is full of authority and dashing to and fro with a +big megaphone in one hand and in the other a bunch of wadded-up paper +with writing on it. He appears to be in sole charge; and if hollowing +loud was worth fifty cents a hollow he'd be a millionaire inside of a +month if his voice didn't give out on him. I finds out a little later +that he's what they calls the director. Well, he certainly does +directicate. + +One minute he's yelling at a couple of the hands up in the loft +overhead, which their job is to handle some of the lights and then he's +yelling at the little fellow which is running the picture-taking +machinery, and then he's yelling at a bunch of men which has charge of +the scenery, only this crowd don't pay no attention to him but just goes +on doing their work very languid-like; so I judges they must belong +to a union and therefore can afford to be independent. But most in +general he devotes his yelling to a whole multitude of folks all dressed +up in acting clothes with their faces painted the curiousest ever I +seen. And, at that, I seen a sight of face-painting since I come to New +York! Under them funny lights their skins is an awful corpsy +greenish-yellowish-whitish and their lips is purple, like as if they has +been drownded nine days and has just now come to the top. + +He herds all these people together and gets 'em set to act a piece. And +then something goes wrong. Either he ain't satisfied with the lights or +with their actions or else he remembers something important which has +been forgotten and he yells for somebody to fetch it, and six or eight +runs to get it and brings the wrong thing back, and he raves and cusses +under his breath and tells everybody to go back to their marks and start +in all over again. + +And the next try is just the same as the first. And the third try is not +no more successful than the other two was. So then the director he +shooes the whole crowd back out of the way and walks up and down and +waves his arms and wildly states that he hopes he may be hanged if he's +going to go on until they learns how to rehearse. And I remarks to +myself that if I was them white folks I certainly would give him his +wish and hang him! + +So then everybody loafs round a spell, whilst the director confabs with +a little thin nervoused-looking man called Mr. Simons, with glasses on. +And then the director announces that they won't try to shoot the mob +scene today and all the extras can go till nine o'clock tomorrow +morning, and in the meantime he trusts and prays that they may get a +little sense or something in their heads. So, accordingly, most of the +multitude departs leaving only about a dozen or more actor ladies and +gentlemen setting round on odds and ends and seemingly very grateful for +the peaceful lull. + +By this time I has done localized Mr. Pulliam where he's standing over +in a corner talking with Miss Bill-Lee and a couple more ladies, and I +makes my way to him. Doing so, I has to pass behind some of the scenery. +On the other side it's just like a row of houses with roofs and porches +and all, but here on the behind-side of it there ain't nothing only +plastering laths and raggedy ends of burlaps and chicken-coop wire and +naked joists. It puts me right sharply in mind of some of these folks we +has been associating with up here--everything in stock devoted to making +a show for the front and nothing except the rubbish left over for the +backing. Well, I reckons it's always like that when you is +making-believe to be something you truly ain't, whether it's in a +moving-picture studio or out in the great world at large. + +After I gives Mr. Dallas his coat he tells me to hang round if I wishes +to do so and watch 'em working. So I hangs round. But there ain't much +working done for quite a spell but, instead, a lot of general +speechifying and explaining betwixt this one and that one. Finally +though, the pestered man he yells out something about being ready to +shoot an interior. All hands rambles over to another part of the +building where there is more scenery which is fixed up to look like the +insides of a short-order restaurant. One of the young ladies and one of +the young gentlemen sets down at a table in front of the camera and lets +on to be eating a quick snack whilst a white man, which is dressed up +like a waiter and blacked up to look like he's colored, waits on 'em. +The two at the table appears to be giving satisfaction but the ruler of +the roost ain't pleased with the way the waiter acts out his part. + +I ain't blaming him for not being pleased, neither. To start with, the +waiter is blacked up too much. He don't look like he's genuine colored; +he looks more like he's been shining up a cook stove and got most of the +polish rubbed off onto his face and hands. He don't act like he's +genuine colored, neither. I judges he must have studied the business of +acting like colored folks from watching nigger minstrel shows. He keeps +rolling his eyes up in his head and smacking his lips, the same as an +end-man does, which is all right, I reckon, when you is an end-man but +which does not fill the bill when you is letting on to be a sure-enough +black person; because for years past I ain't never seen scarsely no +minstrel man which really deported himself as though he had colored +feelings inside of him. + +Still, I must say for him that he's doing his level best to oblige. But +what with him trying to remember to keep the eyes rolling and the lips +smacking, and the director yelling at him through that megaphome to do +the next step this-a-way or that-a-way, he's presently so muddled up in +his mind that it seems like he can't get nothing at all accomplished. It +makes me feel actually sorry for him; but I ain't sorry for the +director. One of 'em is ignorant and willing to admit it; the other one +is ignorant but is trying to cover it up by behaving bossified and +making loud sounds and laying the blame on somebody else. Leastwise, +that's how I figures it out. I says to myself, I says: + +"It's all wrong frum who laid the rail. Yas suh, I'll tell the waitin' +world they don't neither one of 'em onderstan' the leas' particle 'bout +nigger actions an' nigger depotemint." + +I must've said it out loud without thinking, because right alongside me +somebody speaks up and says: + +"What do you know about this business?" + +I turns my head and looks, and it's that there quiet little man with the +big glasses on, name of Mr. Simons. + +I says to him, I says: + +"I don't know nothin' 'bout this yere bus'ness, but I does know +somethin' 'bout bein' cullid, seein' ez I is one myse'f." + +He sort of squints up his eyes like he's got an idea. He says: + +"Could you take the director's place there and show that man how to get +through with his scene?" + +"Who, boss, me?" I says. "No suit! I mebbe mout could tek his place +pervidin' w'ite folkses didn't mind havin' me th'owin' awders at 'em, +but even so, I couldn't never plant the right idees in 'at other +gen'elman's mind." + +"Why not?" he says. + +"'Cause it's plain to me," I says, "'at in the fust place he ain't got +no notion ez to how a black boy would carry hisse'f whilst waitin' on a +table. 'Scuse me fur sayin' so ef he's a friend of yours, but tha's the +facts of the case, boss--the feelin's ain't thar." + +"All right," he says, "then could you play the waiter's part yourself?" + +"Well suh," I says, "mebbe I could ef they wouldn't 'spect me to act lak +a actor but just 'lowed me to act lak a human bein'. I ain't never done +no actin'," I says, "but I been a human bein' fur ez fur back ez I kin +remember." + +"You've got it!" he says. "What this business needs in it is fewer +people trying to act and more people willing to behave like human +beings. How would you like to put on the jacket and the apron that man +is wearing and see if you could get away with the job he's trying to +do?" + +"Ef 'twould be a favor to you--yas, suh," I says. "But I'm' skeered the +directin' gen'elman mout object." + +"I think possibly I could fix that," he says. "I happen to be the owner +of this plant. I'll go speak to him." + +"Hole on," I says, "ef you please, suh. The onliest way I could do it," +I says, "would be fur you to tell me jest whut you wanted done an' 'en +you'd have to mek all hands stand back an' keep quiet whilst I wuz +tryin' to do it. It sho'," I says, "would git me all razzle-dazzled to +have some gen'elman yellin' at me th'ough 'at megaphome ever' half +secont or so." + +"There's another idea that's worth experimenting with," he says. "I've +thought the same thing myself before now. You stay right here a minute." + +Well, to make a long story no longer, he goes over and whispers +something to the director and first-off the director he shakes his head +like he's dead set against the proposition but Mr. Simons keeps on +arguing with him and after a little bit the director flings up both +hands sort of despairful and goes over and sets down at a little table, +looking very sulky. Then, Mr. Simons he tells the blacked-up man to take +off his apron and his jacket and tells me to put 'em on me and then he +tells me very slow just what he wants me to do, but he says I'm to do it +my own way and if, as I goes along, I thinks of anything else which a +real colored waiter would do under such-like circumstances, why, I'm to +stick that in, too. + +"Try to forget that it's all pretending," he says, "and try to forget +that there's a camera grinding in front of you. Just remember that +you're a waiter in a cheap dump serving a couple of young people that +have run away from home to be married and are in a hurry to get +something to eat. Try to register your expectations of getting a nice +big tip from the young fellow. And when you slip the girl the note +that'll tip her off to the fact that her old sweetheart is waiting +outside and wants to see her, you want to make sure that the man at the +table with her can't see you, but that people sitting out in the +audience watching the show will see the note pass. Get me? We won't have +any rehearsals--too much preliminary stuff might make you +self-conscious. I'll have 'em start shooting just as soon as you come +on. Now go to it!" + +Which I does it all according to orders. I must've gave utter +satisfaction, too, because when we gets through, everybody setting round +claps their hands and applauses me same as if they was at a regular +show--that is, everybody does so except the director; which he continues +to act peevish. This here Mr. Simons he goes yet farther than +applausing; he comes over to me and he says I has put him under +obligations to me by helping him out and if ever I feels like doing some +more moving-picture work just to call on him either down at his office +or up here at the studios, because he says there ain't no telling when +he may have another show with a part in it for a smart spry colored +person. And with that he slips his card into my hand and along with it a +ten dollar bill, which that is more money than ever I has earned before +in my whole life for a light job, let alone just acting natural for +about five or six minutes. + +He starts on away then but suddenly he turns round like a notion had +just hit him between the eyes and he comes back to me and says he wants +to speak to me a minute and I follows him back around a corner where +nobody won't be liable to hear us. + +"I want to ask you about something," he says, when we arrives there. +"You seem to be a person who keeps his eyes and his ears open; besides, +you're colored yourself and what I need here, I think, is somebody who +can look at a proposition from a colored man's slant rather than from a +white man's. And finally, my guess is that you haven't been away from +your own part of the country very long and that probably means you +haven't lost your perspective. Do you get my drift?" + +I wouldn't know a perspective if I met up with one in the big road but I +ain't aiming to expose my ignorance before this strange gentleman. I +tries to look like I'm mighty glad that I've been so careful as not to +lose it and I tells him yes, sir, I gets his drift. + +"Good," he says. "Well, making it snappy, the idea is just this: New +York City is full of colored actors--not merely singers and dancers but +real artists, some of 'em, who can act and are especially strong in +comedy. That's point number one. In nearly every good-sized town in this +country, North and South, there's at least one moving-picture house +catering to your people. That's point number two. But day after day and +night after night those patrons see nothing but pictures written by +white people, directed by white men, and acted by white people. That's +point number three. Now, I've been carrying round a scheme in my head +for quite awhile--a scheme to try the experiment of turning out a line +of two-reelers, say, done by colored casts, and selling them, if I can, +to these three or four thousand houses run by colored people and playing +to colored people. I've got the studio right here--I've got the +organization and the equipment. And at any time I need it I can put my +hand on plenty of acting material--colored people, I mean--who'll only +need a little training to make 'em fit for my purposes. Some of 'em have +already had some training--as extras around the local plants. As I dope +it out, if I can produce pictures which will appeal particularly to your +people I'll have a steady market through the big exchanges; because, if +I know anything about the tastes of the general public, white people +will enjoy all-colored comedies--if they're done right--almost as much +as colored people will. And that's point number four. Now then, give me +your idea of the value of the notion?" + +"Mister," I says, "I kin only tell you how one cullid pusson feels, +w'ich 'at one is me: The way I looks at it, you ain't needin' to bother +much 'bout fancy scenery an' special fixin's--wid a crowd of niggers the +mainest p'int will be the actin'. The actin' part is whar you can't fool +'em. An'," I says, "ef you kin git holt of a crowd of cullid actors +w'ich is willin' to ack lak the sho'-nuff ole-time cullid an' not lak +onbleached imitations of w'ite folks, it seems lak to me the rest of it +oughter be plum' easy. Mostly I'd mek the pitchers comical, ef I wuz +you. You kin do 'at an' still not hurt nobody's feelin's, w'ite nur +black. Ef you wants to perduce a piece showin' a lot of niggers gittin' +skinned, let it be another nigger w'ich skins 'em. Then," I says, "w'en, +at the last, they gits even wid him it'll still be nigger ag'inst +nigger. An' ef, once't in awhile, you meks a kind of a serious-lak +pitcher, showin', mebbe, how the race is a-strivin' to git ahaid in the +world, 'at ought to fetch these yere new-issue cullid folks w'ich," I +says, "is seemin'ly become so plentiful up Nawth. But mainly I'd stick +to the laffin' line ef I wuz you--niggers is one kind of folks in 'is +country w'ich they ain't afeard to laff. An' whutever else you does," I +says, "don't mess wid no race problem. We gits mouty tired, sometimes, +of bein' treated the way we of'en is. Tek my own case," I says. "I ain't +no problem, I's a pusson. I craves to be so reguarded. An' tha's the way +I alluz is been reguarded by my own kind of w'ite folks down whar I +comes frum," I says. + +"Say," he says, when I gets through saying this, "I think you've earned +another ten-spot." And with that he shoves one more of them desirable +bills at me; which he don't have no real struggle inducing me to take +it. Because I'm a powerful easy person to control in such matters. And +always has been, from a child up. + +"I was practically convinced all along that the proposition was worth +trying," he says. "What you say helps to confirm a judgment I already +had. Well, don't forget about coming to see me if you want work in my +line--there may be plenty of it if this thing pans out." And he shakes +hands with me again and walks off. + +Right after that a young white gentleman he comes looking for me to take +down my full entitlements and he says I will be honorably mentioned by +name on the program of the picture which they now is making, when it's +done. And Mr. Dallas he tells me I can take the rest of the day off for +to celebrate having broke into the movies. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +_Black Belt_ + + +But I figures I has got something better to do than just to be +gallivanting to and fro on a frolic. A notion has busted out insides of +my brains. So right off I puts off across town for West One-Hundred and +Thirty-fifth Street hoping for to find one U. S. G. Petty, Colored. + +Some time back, as I remembers, I made brief mention about having +affiliated myself into the Pastime Colored Pleasure and Recreation Club, +Inc. Only, the last word--_Inc._--is not usually spoke when you is +naming the club, by reason of its sounding so much like a personal +reflection upon the prevailing complexion of some of the members. Still, +that is the way it is wrote out on the letter-heads and the initiation +blanks. + +I has belonged for going on more than a month now and I spends much of +my spare time in the club-rooms. I feels more comfortable among my +fellow-affiliators than I does any place else in this town. Looking back +on it I'm convinced 'twas up there I first began to get shut of the +grievous homestick pangs which afflicted me so sorefully following after +our advent into these parts. Up to now I has not spoke of my being +homesick because it seemed like to me the mainest job was to set down +what come to pass without paying much heed to private sensations upon +the part of the scribe thereof, but, if the truth must now be confessed, +I oftentimes was mighty nigh completely overcome by my sufferings from +the same during them opening weeks of the present sojourn. + +At the beginning I used to get so tired, night-times, tramping about +streets which was full of utter strangers and not never speaking a word +to nobody nor seeing a friendly face, that I liked to died, dad-blame if +I didn't! If I stood still they'd run right on over me and if I walked +on I didn't have nowheres to go and I'd be so exhaustified from looking +at sights all by myself that I'd get to wishing I'd never see another +sight again as long as I lived, without I had somebody I knowed along +with me to help me look at it. And then I'd come morosing on back to the +apartment and probably Mr. Dallas he'd be out and nobody there but that +there slick-headed Japanee boy. I tried sociable talk with him once or +twice but you really don't derive no great amount of nourishment from +talking with somebody which thinks language is sucking your breath in +through your front teeth and once in awhile grinning like one of these +here pumpkin Jack-mer-lanterns. So I soon learned the lesson of just +letting him be. + +I'd go on back to my room and take off my shoes for to ease my aching +feet; but whilst taking off your shoes is good for your feet it don't +help the ache in your soul none. I'd set at the window and look out on +them millions and millions of lights, all winking and blinking at me +like hostile bright eyes, and away down below me in the street I could +hear old automobile horns blatting like lost ghosts, and every now and +then there'd rise up to my ears a sort of a rumble and a roar, like as +if New York City was having indigestion pains; and I'll say it +positively was lonesome. I could shut my eyes and see my own home-town +with the shade trees leaning down towards the sidewalks like they was +interested in what went on underneath them, and I could hear the voices +of the neighbors, both white and black, calling back and forth to one +another and I could seem to smell frying cat-fish spitting in the +skillet at old Uncle Isom Woolfolk's hot snack-stand down back of the +Market House, and I also could smell that damp, soothing kind of a smell +which it rolls in off the river on a warm night and then--oh, my Blessed +Maker!--something would hurt me like having the misery in your side. + +That's the way it was very frequent at the outsetting. But pretty soon I +gets acquainted with a couple of colored boys which works in the +apartment house next door to ours--not West Indians but regulation +colored boys, one being from Macon, Georgia, and one from Memphis, +Tennessee--and they takes to escorting me round with 'em at night, +mainly in what the white folks calls the Harlem Black Belt. Fussing back +and forth, thuslike, I makes yet more acquaintances and +then--_bam_!--all at once there's a quick change in me and I ain't so +choked up with lonesomeness like I was. All of a sudden my having lived +heretofore always down in Kentucky has become to me just a kind of a +far-off dream and it's almost like as if I had been a New York +residenter for years past. 'Specially does I feel so when I goes up to +the Pastime Club; which I joins it by invitation about a month ago and +is now already being talked of for one of the honory offices at the next +annual election which will come along in about five or six weeks from +now. + +I finds that the most of my race up here aims to copy their actions +after white folks when they is showing themselves off in public. They is +forever trying to talk like whites and trying to appear deeply +oninterested in passing things, the same as some white folks does, and +even trying to think like whites, I expect. But when they gets off +amongst themselves their natural feelings comes out on 'em and the true +coloredism breaks forth and they cuts loose and enjoys themselves +regardless. That's the way it is behind the closed doors of our +club-rooms. Also, there's suitable games and indoor sports such as +coon-can and two-bit-limit poker with the joker running wild and a round +of rumdoodlums after every face-full; and when hunger gnaws at you +there's a Chinee restaurant right handy by, which it caters 'specially +to the colored trade. Here is where I first meets a crock of this here +chop suey face to face; which it may be a Chinee dish but certainly is +got a kind of an African flavor to it. If you can't get a mess of +cow-peas and some real corn-pones and maybe half a fried young spring +chicken with an abundance of gravy, I don't know of nothing which makes +a more desirable light snack between meals than about fifty cents worth +of chop suey with a double order of boiled rice on the side and some of +that there greasy black Chinee sauce to sop it in. + +It's one time in the front room of the club that I first takes special +notice of this here U. S. G. Petty, which he is the same person I goes +a-seeking upon leaving the studios on this day in question. The way he +comes to bring himself to my attention is this way: One night five or +six of us Pastimers in good standing is setting round not doing nothing +in particular, but just setting, when talk arises concerning of Gabriel, +the Black Prophet of Abyssinia, which his name is now on everybody's +tongue, more or less. + +It seems that the Black Prophet come a-projecting himself onto the local +scene last spring, him claiming to hail from a far-off latitude called +Abyssinia, and immediately he creates a big to-do, which is only to be +expected considering of his general aspect. In the first place, he's a +powerful orator and just overflowing with noble large words. In the +second place, he's a great big over-bearing-looking man and wearing at +all times a flowing garment of purple like the night-shirt of a king, +and instead of having a hat on he's got his head all bandaged up in many +silken folds like he's got scalp-trouble. Naturally, folks turns out to +look at him; but language and curious clothes is not the sole things by +which he recommends himself. He's got something even more compelling to +the colored mind than what these two is--he's had a glorious vision, so +he states, and he craves for to tell about it on all occasions where +folks'll give heed; which they freely does, because he certainly can +explain the whyfores and 'numerate the whereases and show the whereins. +But showing wherein is his main hold. + +From the way he tells it, he laid down one night in his native country +for to sleep and whilst he slept an angel appeared before him in a dream +bearing a flaming scroll and a golden sword, and the angel anointed his +brows with the oils of understanding and wiped the scales of blindness +from off his eyes and smeared his lips with the salves of +eloquence--altogether, it seem like the angel must a-been working on him +half the night getting him greased-up to suit. And along towards morning +the command is laid on him to go forth into the world and deliver his +race from bondage in every hemisphere there is. So it transpires that +he takes his foot in his hand and he comes on across the seas over to +these here United States of North America and starts in his +ministrations in New York. Leastwise, that is the account as he lays it +down; which he calls it an inspired prophecy from On High but it sounds +more to me like an inspired real-estate scheme, because the plan as he +preaches it is that all us black folks everywhere must straight-away +rise ourselves up and follow after him, which he will then lead us back +to our original own country of Affika where he will cause all the white +folks which has settled there to pull out and leave us in sole charge +for to rule the state and run our own government and be a free and +independent people from thenceforth on forever. So you pays down so much +for to join and so much every month in dues and soon then--to hear him +tell it--you will be happy on your way across the ocean to find your +haven in the Promised Land. + +But not me! I ain't lost no haven. Moreover, if ever anybody does +promise me one-such I ain't aiming to go seeking after it under the +guidnance of a dark stranger which he ain't no credentials for to +endorse him in my eyes, excusing it's a purple silk night-shirt and a +tale about him having been lubricated all over with a lot of different +kinds of fancy ointments by an Abyssinian angel. No sir, if I has to do +traveling in extreme foreign-off parts I'll go along with some of my own +white folks which I can put trust in their words and dependence on their +acts. And, finally, the idea of my returning to Affika does not seem to +appeal to me in no way nor at no time whatsomever. What's the use of +returning to a place where you ain't never been? As I says to myself the +first time the notion is expounded to me, I says: + +"I ain't frum Affika, I is frum Paducah, Kintucky. Some of my former +folks may a-hailed frum there--leas'wise, tha's the common rumor--but +the Poindexter fambly is been away so long it seems lak I ain't +inherited the taste to 'go traipsin' back. Mo'over, ef whut I heahs +'bout it is correc', Affika is full of alligators an' lions an' +onreconciled Bengal tigers an' man-eatin' cannibals, w'ich I wouldn't +be surprised but whut they all of 'em 'specially favors the dark meat. +An' yere I is, a pernounced brunette! So, w'en they starts makin' up the +excursion list they kin kin'ly leave my name off, 'cause I 'spects to be +very busily engaged stayin' right whar I dog-goned is!" + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +_Afric Shores_ + + +Thus is what I says to myself, very first crack out of the box and I +subsequent sees no reason for to change my views. But this night at the +Pastime when the subject is brung forward for discussion, I just lurks +in a corner, not saying nothing myself but doing some very vigorous +listening. Being a new member, the way I is, I prefers not to declare +myself in at the go-off but just to sort of hang back and catch the +general drift of the old heads before I commits myself. + +Regardless of your private convictions it don't hurt you none, +sometimes, to throw in with the majority. Traveling with the current +instead of against it, you maybe is not so prominent but you gets fewer +bumps across your head. A minnow sliding downstream with a passel of +other minnows stands a heap better chance of leading a pleasant life +than if he strives for to conspicious himself by swimming upstream all +by himself. Old Brother Channel Cat is liable to come sauntering down +past the towhead and see him going along there all alone, and open wide +that there big mouth of his and then, little Mr. Minnow, I asks you, +where is you? + +So I sets and hearkens to the pow-wowing. It seems that two or three +present has been swept right off their feet by the masterful preachments +of this here Gabriel the Black Prophet. They is all organized up for to +accept him as the chosen apostle of the colored race. It looks like they +can't hardly wait for the blessed day to come when they'll pull out with +him. They 'lows a lot of these here overbearing white folks is going to +feel mighty funny the morning they wakes up and finds that all the black +folks is done up and gone from 'em and there ain't nobody left for to +pack their heavy burdens for 'em and wait on 'em, without they turns in +and does it themselves. They says a lot more like that. And pretty soon +the old camp-meeting tone comes creeping into their voices and their +eyes starts shining like they was repentant sinners gathered at the +mourners' bench and they begins to sort of sing their words and +generally work themselves up into a state of grace. + +Right about then this here U. S. G. Petty, which they calls him 'Lisses +for short, speaks up. Until now he has been reared back in his chair +listening, the same as I is. But now he opens up and his words hits them +onthusiastic ones like a dipperful of ice-water throwed in their faces. + +He says to 'em, he says: + +"W'en does all you niggers 'at's so homesick fur the sight of the dear +Affikin shore aims to start on yore jubilatin' way? I is heared a lot +tonight an' other times, too, 'bout this yere journey. I is heared it +called a crusade an' a pilgrimage an' a whole passel of other fancy +names. But so fur, nobody ain't confided to me the details of the +departure." + +"The fust batch goes ez soon ez the fust boat is ready," says one of the +true believers, name of Oscar Jordan. "An' the rest will follow wid +rejoicin' on the other boats of the fleet, ez they is made ready." + +"Well, me, I ain't seen hair nur hide of one boat yit," says 'Lisses, +"let alone it's a whole fleet." + +"But ain't you seen the pitcher of her in the litrychure w'ich the Black +Prophet give out?" says Oscar. + +"I has, Brother," says 'Lisses; "I suttinly has. I also has seen +pitchers of the late Kaiser Ex-Wilhellum of Germany, but that ain't no +sign I 'spects to meet him strollin' up Lenox Avenue some pleasant +mawnin' this comin' week." + +"Yas, but the bindin' paymints is done been made on the fust ship," says +Oscar. "The Grand Treasurer, w'ich he is the Black Prophet's +brother-in-law by marriage, he announce' the full perticulars at the +las' monster mass meetin'. He specify she is to have a cullid brass-band +on bode an' a cullid string-band an' a cullid crew an' a cullid cap'n +an'----" + +"Uh huh!" says 'Lisses, "A cullid cap'n, huh? All right, boy, you kin +give yore confidences to a cullid cap'n ef you's a-mind to. But, +speakin' ez yore friend an' well-wisher I should advise you at the same +time w'en you is pickin' out your fav'rit' cullid cap'n 'at you lakwise +also picks out yore fav'rit' flower fur display at the memorial services +in case of a storm comin' up on the way acrost the high seas. 'Cause," +he says, "it stands to reason the higher them seas is the deeper they +is; an' ef you gits yo'se'f drownded out yonder it'll be a tho'ough job. +Mind you," he says, "I ain't sayin' nothin' agin my own race so long ez +they remains whar they natchelly belongs, w'ich is on the solid ground. +But ef I'm goin' journey acros't the broad Newlantic Ocean I craves me a +w'ite cap'n--yas, an' a w'ite crew, too." + +One or two, including this here Oscar, tries to break in on him but he +keeps right on. He says to 'em, he says: + +"I wonder is you Ole Home-Weekers been figgerin' out how you is goin' +git control of yore beloved native Affika w'en you arrives safely +tharin? Seems lak to me tha's a p'int w'ich you better be payin' a +right smart attention to it befo'hand. 'Cause, frum whut I kin gather, +w'ite folks is done already laid claim to the most part of Affika w'ich +is fit fur a Christian to live in. I bet you wharever they is a +diamond-mine or a gold diggin's or an ivory-mine or anythin' wuth +havin', you'll find a bunch of w'ite men roostin' close't by, wid +'Posted' signs up on every hand. Whut does you aim to do 'en?" + +"They ain't got no right fur to be thar in the fust place," says Oscar. +"The Prophet done oratate fully 'bout that. Didn't Affika belong to us +black folkses to begin wid? Has we ever deeded it away? No, that we +ain't! Then it's still our'n, ain't it? So, therefo', we goes back in +force an' th'ough our chosen leaders we demands 'at these yere +trespassers re-hands it back over to its rightful owners, w'ich," he +says, "tha's us." + +"Even so," says 'Lisses, "even so. You lands an' you demands--an' 'en +whut? This yere country belonged once't upon a time to the Injuns. An' +w'ite folks come along an' chiseled 'em out of it, didn't they? They +shore did so! But I ain't heared 'bout no gin'el movemint in favor of +turnin' it back over ag'in to the Injuns. The Injuns mout feel +that-a-way but I ain't 'spectin' to see many w'ite folkses votin' in +favor of it. + +"Lis'sen: Once't you let w'ite folks git they feets rooted in the ground +an' they stays fast, reguardless of whut the former perprietors may +think 'bout it. W'ite folks in gin'el is very funny that way an' more +'specially ef they is Angler-Saxons. I don't know, myse'f, whar this +yere Angler-Saxony is. I done look fur it on the map an' 'tain't thar. I +reckin so many Angler-Saxons must a-moved off to other parts of the +world seekin' whut they could confisticate unto theyselves 'at the +'riginal country they hailed frum has done vanish'. Jedgin' by they +names, some of 'em must a-been Scotch an' some of 'em must a-been Irish +and plenty more of 'em must a-been English; but no matter whut they +names is, they is all alak in one respec': an' tha's clingin' fast to +all the onimproved real-estate w'ich they gits they hands on. I knows, +'cause I wuz born and brung up 'mongst 'em down in No'th Ca'lina. An' +they is still a right smart sprinklin' of 'em lef' 'round these yere +No'the'n parts, too. You jest try to mek 'em give up somethin' w'ich +they desires fur to keep on keepin' it, an' you'll find 'em a powerful +onhealthy crowd to prank wid. They's a heap of talk," he says, "'bout +the other races, w'ich is pourin' in yere, crowdin' 'em plum out of Noo +Yawk City in time, notwithstandin' of 'em havin' been amongst the fust +settlers yere. But lemme tell you somethin': Ef they wuzn' but two of +them Angler-Saxons lef' in this whole town I bet you one of 'em would be +the mayor an' the other'd be the chief of police. Next to holdin' on to +the land, runnin' the gov'mint is the most fav'rit' sport they follows +after. + +"An'," he says, "ef 'at is true of this yere country, you tek it frum me +it's true of Affika. Me, I looks fur a lot of cullid fun'els to tek +place befo' you has yore wish 'bout regainin' yore former homestids over +thar," he says. Then his tone sort of changes. "But," he says, "I has +jest been statin' the argumints on the No side. I wants to be fair, so I +will lakwise 'low there's somethin' to be said on yore side, too. In +fact," he says, "ef only the suitable 'rangemints kin be made +befo'hand, I aims to onlist myse'f in wid the movemint an' give to it," +he says, "my most hearties' suppo't." + +That seems to sort of take 'em by surprise. This here Oscar Jordan, +being the most gabby one, is the first to get over his surprisement. + +"How come you kin feel that way, 'Lisses," he says, "w'en fur the pas' +ten minutes you been preachifyin' agin the whole notion? How come you +willin' fur to remove yo'se'f off to the perposed All-Affikin Republic +ef you holds them views w'ich you jest expound?" + +"Who, me?" says 'Lisses. "You got me wrong! I ain't aimin' to remove +myse'f nowhars. I is mos' comfor'ble whar I is at. No suh, what I aims +to do is to 'tach myse'f to the collector's office yere at home an' +handle the money-dues ez they comes a-rollin' in frum the rest of you +niggers. That's goin' be me an' my job--collectin' an' also +disbursin'--'specially the las'-named." + +I rises from where I is setting and I crosses to him and I extends to +him the right hand of fellowship and I says to him, I says: + +"You," I says, "an' me both! I nominates myse'f to he'p you wid them +duties. Brother Petty," I says, "you speaks words of wisdom w'ich they +sounds lak my own. Le's us two promenade fo'th into the fresh air of the +evenin'," I says, "an' exchange mo' views on the subjec's of the day. I +feels," I says, "'at we is goin' be agreeable companions one to the +other an' vice or versa." + +So from that hour we becomes good friends and sees quite much of one +another. And the more I sees of him the better the cut of his jib seems +to suit me. He follows after cornet-playing for a living. He plays in +the orchestra at the Colored Crescent Vaudeville Theatre on the corner +below where the Pastime Club is, so, what with him being in the +profession and us friends and all, I thinks of him the next minute after +this big idea comes to me up at the studio and that's why I goes seeking +for him in West One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth Street; which without much +trouble I finds him. I takes him aside and I starts telling him what I +has in my mind. Before I has been speechifying to him more than a minute +I can tell he's getting interested and he begs me for to continue. And +when I gets through he's just acclamatious over the notion of going in +partners with me on the proposition. So we spends the rest of the day +and until far into the night discussing the thing from every angle. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +_Business Deals_ + + + +Bright and early next morning, along about half past ten o'clock, which +is bright and early for New York, I is at Mr. Simons' offices down on +Broadway. I sends my name in to him by a white boy which is on guard in +an outside room amongst a lot of gold railings. In lessen no time at all +the word comes back that I is to walk right in. I walks in and I finds +Mr. Simons setting behind the largest desk that ever I seen, in a room +mighty near big enough for a church. He acts like he's glad to see me +again and he invites me for to have a seat and tell him what's on my +mind because, he says, he found my conversation the day previous to be +most edifying and helpful. + +So I says to him, I says: + +"Boss, I wants to ast you a question an' 'pun yore answer depends +whither or no I'm goin' ast you a favor lakwise?" + +"Shoot," he says. + +I says: + +"The question comes fust, w'ich it is ez follows: Ef you is earnest +'bout goin' into the mekin' of cullid pitchers fur cullid audiences, lak +you told me yistiddy, I desires please, suh, to know w'en you aims to +give out yore plans to the public at large th'ough the newspapers?" + +He says: + +"Pretty soon, I guess--just as soon as I get the scheme sort of shaped +up. Why--did you want a job when we open up?" + +"Naw suh, not 'at so much," I says. "I got a stiddy job now, valettin' +fur Mr. Dallas Pulliam. But I has a right smart extra time on my hands +an' I is been kind of figgerin' on mebbe doin' a little somethin' on the +side in my sparin' hours. An' so, whut I 'specially craves to know frum +you is whether, w'en you gits ready, you intends fur to 'nounce yore +plans in the cullid papers yere in this town?" + +"Well," he says, "I hadn't thought of it before. But if it would mean +anything to you I'd see to it, personally, that it was done and also +that in the press notices your name was mentioned in a complimentary way +as having given us valuable aid and advice--something of that sort. I +suppose you'd like to be put in a favorable light among your friends. +Well, I don't blame you. I'm somewhat addicted to printers' ink myself. +Was that the favor you wanted to ask of me?" + +"Yas suh," I says, "in a way it 'tis an' then again, in a way, it +'tain't. Yere's the idee, boss: I wants to know frum you befo'hand, ef +you please, w'en you perposes to mek the 'nouncemint 'cause on 'at +se'f-same day they'll be 'nother 'nouncemint in the cullid papers +settin' fo'th 'at the new firm of Poindexter & Petty 'spectfully desires +to state 'at they is openin' a bookin'-agency fur cullid movin'-pitcher +actors in the neighborhood an' 'at lakwise also, in connection wid it, a +school fur trainin' cullid folks how to ack fur the screen will later on +be added on." + +He rears back in his chair and sort of smiles to himself, quiet-like. + +"Oh, I see," he says. "I congratulate you on being wide-awake, anyhow. +But," he says, "what do you know about training people to act for the +screen?" + +"Well, suh," I says, "I wuz aimin' to pick up a few p'inters yere an' +thar fur future use. An' ef the wust comes to the wust," I says, "I kin +get me a pair of these yere tall yaller leather leggin's an' a megaphome +an' ack influential an' mebbe I could thar'by git by," I says. + +"Some of the white directors are getting by with about that much +equipment," he says. "Perhaps you could, too. Well, anyhow, the venture +has my best wishes for its success. I can promise you a little more than +that: It's probable that later on I can throw some business in your +way." + +"Thanky, suh, mos' kindly," I says. "'At wuz mainly whut I wuz hopin' +fur." + +"Do you need any funds to help you out in financing your undertaking?" +he says. + +"Naw suh, I thinks not," I says. "I got some ready cash on hand an' my +partner he's goin' put in a amount ekel to whut I risks. Ef I needs any +more on top of 'at, I aims to ast Mr. Dallas Pulliam fur a small loan." + +Then I tells him we lives at the Wheatley Court so he can write to me +there as soon as he is ready to proceed ahead, and I bids him good-bye +and goes back on up-town with hope singing inside of me like one of +these here yellow-breast field-larks down home. + +It turns out though it's a good thing we don't need no borrowed capital +from Mr. Dallas' pocketbook at the outsetting because in lessen two +months from that time Old Miss Bad Luck starts shooting at him with the +scatter-gun of trouble, both barrels at once. + +Which I will go into full details about all that mess the next time I +takes my pen in hand. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +_Private Life_ + + +It seems to me it's highly suitable that I should get to the edge of +telling about Mr. Dallas' misfortunate visitations just as Chapter the +Thirteenth is starting, which, as everybody knows full well already, +thirteen is the unluckiest number there is in the whole alphabet. + +When you projects with old Lady Thirteen you flirts with sudden +disaster. With Mr. Dallas, though, his troubles don't come on all at +once, like a stroke; they comes on sort of gradual, one behind the +other, like the symptoms of a lingering complaint. + +Up to a certain point everything with us has gone along very lovely, the +same as usual, with parties occurring regular at the apartment and the +Japanee boy cooking up fancy mixtures, and me serving drinks by the +drove. Thanksgiving time we has a special blow-out with twelve setting +down to the table at once. + +But Christmas is when we cuts loose and just naturally out-todos all +previous todos. All day long folks is dropping in to sample the +available refreshments and most of 'em likes the sample so well they +camps right there till far into the night. I mingles up a big glass +reservoir full of egg-nog, which it seems to give 'special satisfaction +to one and all. The way these here guests of ours bails it up you'd +think they was in a sinking skiff half a mile from shore. As he ladles +out the first batch Mr. Dallas states that this here egg-nog is made +according to a recipe which has been handed down in his family since +right after the Revolutionizing War. But when she's took the second +helping, Miss O'Brien, who's got a mighty peart way about her of saying +things, allows that it shore must be older even than that--she says +she's willing to bet it had a good deal to do with bringing on the +revolution. + +Of all the crowd that Mr. Dallas is in with, I likes her the best. She's +got a powerful high temper and is prone to flare up when matters don't +go to suit her; but it seems like to me she ain't devoting so much of +her time as some of the others is to seeing what she can get for +nothing. Sometimes I catches her looking at Mr. Dallas like as if she's +sort of sorry for him on account of some reason or other. But to look at +him on this Christmas Day, doing his entertainingest best, you'd think +nothing had ever bothered him and that nothing ever would. As long as +that egg-nog holds out he's bound and determined the party shall be a +success. Which it is! + +But Mr. Bellows he ain't got no storage room for egg-nogs. Seemingly he +figures that all them eggs and that rich cream and sugar and stuff will +take up space which is needed for chambering the hard liquor. He just +sets off in a corner with a bottle of Scotch and a bottle of squirtwater +handy by, curing his drought, or striving to. He may not be such very +good company but one thing they've got to say for him--he's a man of +regular habits. You may not like the habits, but they certainly is +regular. I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once that Mr. Bellows can hold any +given number of drinks, sort of pressing her voice down on the word +"given." She don't need to say it twice, neither, so far as I personally +is concerned. + +I got her the first time. + +It's maybe two or three days after Christmas--anyhow it's somewheres +around the middle of Christmas week--that I first takes notice of a sort +of a change coming over Mr. Dallas' feelings. When there's nobody else +round but just me and him he acts plumb bothered. His appetite is more +picky-and-choosy than it used to be; and by these signs I can tell +something is on his mind a-preying. On New Year's Eve he goes forth with +his friends for a party but first they all stops by our place for what +they calls appetizers and whilst they is gathered together it comes out +that him and Miss Bill-Lee is now engaged. Not no regular announcement +is made but all of a sudden, seems like, everybody present appears to +know how things stand with him and her. Also, Miss Bill-Lee starts in +treating him more or less like he belonged to her. I don't scarcely +know how to state it in words, but it's like as if up until now she's +been holding a piece of property under mortgage but has finally decided +for to foreclose on it and is eager for the papers to be fixed up in +order for to begin making improvements and alterations. She's what you +might call proprietary. + +Well, I can't say the news is much of a shock to me, seeing what has +been the general drift of events since last August when we first got +here. But, on the other hand, neither I can't say that, considering +everything, I'm actually overcome with joyfulness on Mr. Dallas' +personal account. + +I can't keep from thinking to myself that he's fixing to marry himself +off into a mighty different set of folks from the kind he was born and +brung up amongst. And I can't keep from thinking what a sight of +difference there is betwixt this here Miss DeWitt and Miss Henrietta +Farrell, which, as I said before, he was courting her before we moved to +New York. One of 'em sort of puts me in mind of a rosebud picked out of +the garden in the dew of the morning and the other, which I means by +that, Miss De Witt, reminds me of one of these here big pale magnolia +blooms which has growed on the edge of a swamp. I ain't meaning no +disrespect by having these thoughts; only I can't keep from having 'em. + +I reckon it's having them ideas floating round in my head which makes me +study Mr. Dallas 'specially close that New Year's Eve. For all that he's +laughing and joking and carrying on, I figures that way down deep +insides of him he ain't entirely happy over what's come out. By my +calculations, he ain't got the true feelings which a forthcoming +bridegroom should have. As near as I can judge, he ain't hopeful so much +as he's sort of resignated. Also and furthermore, likewise, he's got a +kind of a puzzled-up beflusterated look on his face as if he'd been took +up short by something he wasn't exactly expecting to happen so soon, if +at all. It ain't exactly bewildedment and it ain't exactly +distressfulness; but it's something that's distant kinsfolks to both of +'em. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +_Oiled Skids_ + + +Anyway, that's that, as we says up here. I will now pass along to what +comes to pass about two weeks later on. All along through them two weeks +Mr. Dallas don't impress me like a young man should which he is starting +out in the New Year full of good cheer and bright prospects. As the +catch-word goes, he ain't at himself. At the breakfast table when I'm +passing things to him he's often looking hard at nothing at all. It's +plain his thoughts is far away and not so very happy in the place where +they've strayed off to, neither. + +Well, on this particular day, which it is along toward the middle of the +present month of January, he don't get home from down-town until long +after dinner-time and when he does get in he don't scarcely touch a +morsel to eat; he just pecks at the vittles. After dinner is over and +the dishes washed up I passes through the hall on the way out, being +bound for the Pastime Club to consultate with 'Lisses Petty touching on +our own private affairs. Mr. Dallas had told me at dinner that I could +have the evening off and there was not no reason why I should linger on. +But as I passes the setting-room door I looks in and he's setting there, +sort of haunched down in his chair, with his elbows resting on a little +table and his face in his hands, seemingly mighty lonesome. Something +seems to come over me and I steps in and I says to him, I says: + +"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, fur interruptin' yore ponderin's, but is they +anythin' I kin do fur you befo' I goes on out?" + +He sort of starts and looks up at me, and if ever I sees miserableness +staring forth from a person's eyes I sees it now. He speaks to me then +and what he says hits me with a jolt. Because this is what he says: + +"Jeff, why is it that white people are forever committing suicide on +account of their private worries but you never hear of a darky killing +himself for the same reason?" + +I studies for a minute and then I says: + +"Well, Mr. Dallas, I reckin it's 'is yere way: A w'ite man gits hisse'f +in trouble an' he can't seem to see no way to git shet of it. An' so he +sets down an' he thinks an' he thinks an' he thinks, and after 'w'ile he +shoots hisse'f. A nigger-man gits in trouble an' he sets down an' he +thinks an' he thinks an' he thinks--an' after 'w'ile he goes to sleep!" + +He smiles the least little bit at that. But it is not no regulation +smile--it's more like the ha'nting ghost of one. + +"But suppose you're brooding so hard you can't sleep?" he says. + +"I ain't never seen no nigger yit," I says, "but whut he could sleep ef +the baid wuz soft 'nuff. They may not be many 'vantages in bein' black, +the way the country is organized," I says, "but this is shore one place +whar my culler has it the best." + +He don't say anything back at me. So after lingering a little bit I +starts to move on out. And then another one of them inmost promptings +leads me to speak again: + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "sometimes we kin lif' the load of our pestermints +ef only we talks 'bout 'em to somebody else. Sometimes," I says, "it's +keepin' 'em all corked up tight on the insides of us w'ich meks the +burden bear down so heavy.... Wuz they anything else, suh, 'at you +wished fur to ast me?" + +It seems like my words must have put a fresh notion in his head. + +"Jeff," he says, "you're right. I've got to confide in somebody--or else +explode. Besides," he says, "I figure that if there is one person in all +the five or six million people in this town who's likely to be a real +friend to me, it's you. And while my talking to you probably can't do +any good, it certainly can't do any harm." + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I is yore frien' an' yore desperit well-wisher, +besides. Sence I been wukkin' fur you you shore is used me mouty kind. I +ain't never had nary speck nur grain of complaint to find wid yore way +of treatin' me. You's w'ite an' I is black," I says, "an' sometimes, +seems lak to me, the two races is driftin' fu'ther apart day by day; +but all that ain't henderin' me frum havin' yore bes' intrusts at heart. + +"An' so, suh, ef you feels lak givin' me yore confidences I'm yere to +heed an' to hearken an' do my humble but level bes' fur to aid you, ef +so be ez I kin." + +"I believe you," he says, "and I'm grateful to you.... Well, Jeff, to +put it plainly, I've gone and got myself tangled up in a bad mess." + +"Whut way, suh?" I says. + +"In two ways," he says; "in business--and in another way. I've been an +ass, Jeff--a blind, witless ass. This life here was so different from +any I'd ever known--so different and so fascinating--that it just swept +me off my feet. I've been drifting along with my eyes shut, having my +fling, letting today take care of itself and with no thought of +tomorrow. As I look back on it, it strikes me I always have been more or +less of a drifter. Down yonder, among our own people, there always was +somebody who'd step in once in awhile and check me up. But up here in +this big selfish greedy town, among strangers, I've had nobody to +advise me or to show me where I was making a fool of myself. And, +believe me, I have made a fool of myself. I guess what I need is a +guardian--only I doubt whether I'd find the money eventually to pay for +his services.... Jeff, if I was free of these--these--well, these +entanglements--I tell you right now I'd be willing to quit New York +tomorrow and take the next train back home where I belong." + +He studies a minute and then he continues to resume: + +"Yes," he says, "I'd head for home in the morning--if I could. It has +taken a hard jolt to open my eyes but, believe me, they're opened now. +The chief trouble is, though, that even with them opened I can't see any +way out of the tangle I'm in. Jeff, the big mistake I made at the start +was that I tied up with the wrong outfit. I thought I was joining in +with a group of typical successful live New Yorkers; I know now how +wrong I was. There must be plenty of real people here--people who take +life in moderation; people who are fair and kindly and reasonable; +people who can find pleasure in simple things and who don't pretend to +know all there is to know, or to be what they're not. But I haven't met +them; I've been too busy running with the other kind." + +Down in my soul I says to myself there's a chance for him to pull out +yet if he's beginning to see the brass-work shining through the gold +plating which has so dazzled him up heretofores. Yes sir, if he's found +out all by himself that New York City ain't exclusively and utterly +composed of the Mr. H. C. Raynorses and the Mr. Hilary Bellowses and +such, there certainly is hope for him still. All along, up to now, I've +been saying to myself that it looks like the only future Mr. Dallas has +to look forward to, is his past; but now I rejoices that he's done woke +up from his happy trance. But of course I don't let on to him that such +is my feelings. I merely says to him, I says: + +"I ain't the one to 'spute wid you on 'at p'int, suh. Naw suh, not me! +But whut's the reason you can't pull out frum yere, ef you's a-mind +to?" + +At that he lights in and the language just pours out from him like a +flood. There's a lot of rigmarole about business, and some parts of this +I cannot seem to rightly get the straight of it into my head, but I'm +pretty sure I gets the hang of all the main points clear enough. To +begin with, I learns now for the first time that him and Mr. Raynor +ain't actually been selling oil down-town; they've been selling +oil-stocks, which as near as I can figure it out, an oil-stock is the +same kin to oil that a milk-ticket is to milk, only it's like as if the +man which sells you the milk-tickets ain't really got no cows rounded up +yet but trusts in due time he'll be able to do so. Still, if there is +folks scattered about who's willing to take the risk that the milkman +will amass some cows somewhere and that the cows won't go dry or die on +him or be grabbed by the sheriff and thereby leave the customers with a +lot of nice new onusable milk-tickets on their hands why, the way I +looks at it, there ain't no reason why their craving for to invest +should not be gratified. + +It seems, furthermore, that Mr. Raynor ain't actually been selling as +many oil stocks in the general market as he has let on. Leastwise, that +is what Mr. Dallas suspicions, even if he can't prove it. When first +they went into partners together last August, Mr. Dallas tells me he put +up a large jag of money for his half-interest. He was content to let Mr. +Raynor manage the business and keep the run of the books and all that, +seeing as how Mr. Raynor had the experience in such matters and he +didn't. Anyhow, he felt most amply satisfied with the gratifying amounts +which Mr. Raynor kept handing over to him, saying it all was from the +profits. But this very day there's been a show-down at the office +growing out of Mr. Raynor having called on him to put up another big +chunk of cash for running expenses, and whilst all the figures and all +the details ain't been made manifest to Mr. Dallas yet, he's got mighty +strong reasons to believe there really wasn't no profits to speak of and +that the money he's been drawing out all along was just his own money, +which Mr. Raynor let him have it in order to keep him happy and +contented whilst he was being sucked in deeper and deeper. + +And so now, Mr. Dallas says, that's how it stands. If he goes on and on +along the way he seems to be headed it's only a question of time till +all his money will be plumb drained from him. He tells me that he'd be +willing to pull out now and take his losses and charge 'em up to the +expenses of getting a Wall Street education only, he says, he can't. I +asks him then what's the reason he can't? He says because when the +papers was drawed up--by Mr. Raynor--he obligated himself in such a +twistified way that it seems he's bound hard and fast to stick to the +bitter end. Of course, he says, he might start a lawsuit and throw the +whole thing into the courthouse, but, even so, he's afraid he wouldn't +have a leg left to stand on by reason of his having tied himself up so +tight in writing; and anyway, he says, before he got through with a +lawsuit most doubtless the lawyers would have all the leavings. + +To myself I says there is still another reason. I knows how much it +would hurt Mr. Dallas' pride to have all the folks down home finding out +that he's made another disasterful move in business. By roundabout ways +it has come to my ears that he's been writing letters back telling about +how well he's doing up here in New York and now, if it should come out +in the papers that he's made one more bad bustup on top of all them +finance mistakes he committed before he come North, and he should have +to go South again, broke and shamed at being broke, I reckons it would +just about kill him. Besides which I knows full well from hearing Judge +Priest talking in the past, that even in medium-sized towns lawyers is +plenty costive persons to hire for an important lawsuit, and in the +biggest town of all, where the lawyers naturally run bigger, they'd cost +a mighty heap more. + +When he gets through specifying the situation I gets another notion: + +"I wonder," I says, sort of casual-like, "I wonder, Mr. Dallas, w'y it +wuz 'at Mr. H. C. Raynor should a-picked this pertic'lar moment fur +callin' on you fur a big bunch of cash, 'specially w'en ef he'd a-kept +silence you'd a-prob'ly gone on wid him, never 'spicionin' anything wuz +wrong?" + +"Oh, I'm not so stupid but what I can figure that out," he says. "He's +afraid so much of my money will be spent soon in another direction that +he'll be deprived of the lion's share of what is left. He wants to strip +me down close while the stripping is good." + +"In 'nother direction?" I says, kind of musing. "I wonder whut 'at other +direction kin be?" + +"Can't you guess?" he says. + +"Yas suh," I says, "I kin; but I didn' think 'twould be seemly fur me to +start guessin' along 'at line widout you opened up the way fust." + +"Jeff," he says, "I feel like a low-down dog to be dragging in a woman's +name, even indirectly; and so I guess the best thing I can do in that +direction is to keep my mouth shut and take my medicine. It appears +that here lately I've acquired the habit of committing myself to serious +obligations at times when I'm not exactly aware of what I'm doing. At +the moment, I don't seem to remember how it all comes about; then I wake +up and I find I'm signed, sealed and delivered. I may be the damndest +fool alive, but at least I'm an honorable fool. I was raised that way. +Where my sense of personal honor is concerned I'm going to stick, no +matter what the costs may be. I've been fed fat on flattery; now it's +time for me to sup on sorrow awhile. Do you get my drift?" + +"Yas suh, I think I does," I says. "Mr. Dallas," I says, "'scuse me fur +persumin' to keep on 'long 'is yere track, but is you right downright +shore 'at you solemnly engaged yo'se'f in the holy bonds of wedlock to +the lady in question?" + +"I suppose I did," he says. "I must have. She assumes to think +so--everybody else assumes to think so. And yet, as Heaven is my judge, +I never intended to lead anybody to believe that I wanted to make a +marriage up here. It--it just happened, Jeff--that's all. I can see now +how a lot of things have been happening and why. But what can I do to +clear myself from either one of these two tangles? I've asked myself the +question a hundred times since noon today and there's no answer. I can't +lick Raynor at his own game; he's too wise; he's covered his prints too +well. When I hinted at a lawsuit this afternoon he laughed in my face +and told me to go ahead and sue. And, as for the other thing--well, +unless I go through with it, against my will and my better judgment, it +means a breach of promise suit, or I miss my guess. Besides, I still +have some shreds of self-respect left. I can't deliberately try to break +an engagement which, I suppose, I must have made in good faith." + +"S'posen' the lady herse'f wuz to up an' brek it on her own +'sponsibility?" I says. He laughed kind of scornful. + +"No chance," he says; "no such luck for me! I've walked blindfolded into +every trap that was set for me and now it's up to me to play the string +out till the last penny is gone. At the present rate that shouldn't +take long. But see here, Jeff, I wonder why I sit here unburdening my +woes on you? I know you would help me if you could, but what can you do? +What can anybody do?" + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you can't never tell. Sometimes the humblest +he'ps out the greates'. Seems lak I heared tell 'at once't 'pon a time +'twuz the gabblin's of a flock of geese w'ich saved one of these yere +up-state towns--Utica, or maybe 'twas Rome. I don't rightly remember now +whut 'twas ailed 'at town; mebbe 'twuz fixin' to go fur William Jinnin's +Bryant?--somethin' lak 'at! Anyway, the geese gits the credit in the +records fur the savin' of it. An' ain't you never read whur a mouse +comes moseyin' 'long one time an' gnawed a lion loose frum the bindin' +snares w'ich helt him? So, ez I says, you can't never tell. But I wonder +would you do me a small favor? I wonder would you read a piece out of a +su'ttin book ef I wuz to bring it to you out of the liberary, an' w'en +you'd done 'at ef you would go on to baid an' try to compose yore min' +an' git some needful sleep?" + +"What's the idea?" he says. + +"Nummine," I says. "Wait 'twell I fetches you the book." + +So I goes and gets it down from the shelf where it belongs. It's the +furtherest one of a long row of big shiny black books, which all of them +has got different names. But the name of this one is: _Vet to Zym_. + +He takes a look at it when I lays it before him, and he says: + +"Why, this is a volume of the Encyclopedia! What bearing can this +possibly have on what we've just been talking about?" + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you's no doubt of'en seen ole Pappy Exall, w'ich +he is the pastor of Zion Chapel, struttin' round the streets at home in +times gone by? Well, the Rev'n. Exall may look lak one-half of a +baby-elephant runnin' loose, but lemme tell you, suh, he ain't nobody's +bawn fool. One time yere some yeahs back he got hisse'f into a kind of a +jam wid his flock 'count of some of 'em bein' mos' onhighly dissatisfied +wid the way he wuz handlin' the funds fur to buy a new organ fur the +church. Nigh ez they could figger it out, he'd done confisticated the +organ money to his own pussonal an' private pu'pposes. Try ez they mout, +they couldn't nobody in the congregation git no satisfaction out of him +reguardin' of it. So one evenin', unbeknownst to him, a investigatin' +committee formed itse'f, an' whilst he was settin' at the supper-table +they come bustin' in on him an' demanded then an' thar how 'bout it? Wid +one voice they called on him to perduce an' perduce fast, else they +gwine start yellin' fur the police. Wid that he jest rise up frum his +cheer an' he look 'em right in the eye an' he say to 'em, very ca'mlak: +'My pore bernighted brethren, in response to yore questions I directs +yore prayerful considerations to Acts twenty-eighth an' seventeenth, +also Timothy fust an' fifth, lakwise Kings sixth an' fust. Return to +yore homes in peace an' read the messages w'ich is set fo'th in the +'foresaid Scriptures an' return to me yere on the morrow fur fu'ther +guidance.' Well, they all dashes off fur to dig up they Bibles an' see +whut the answer is. Bright an' early next mawnin' they comes back to say +'at w'ile them is mighty fine-soundin' verses w'ich he bade 'em to read, +still they ain't nary one of 'em w'ich seems to relate in any way +whutsomever to a missin' organ fund. Then he smiles sort of pitiful-lak +an' he reaches his fat hand down in his britches pocket an' he hauls out +the money to the las' cent. The trick w'ich he had done played on 'em +had give him a chanc't to slip out an' borrow 'nuff frum a couple of +w'ite gen'elmen frien's of his'n fur to mek up the shortage. Whut he +needed wuz time an' time wuz whut he got. + +"Now, Mr. Dallas, I aims to borrow a lesson frum the example of ole +Pappy Exall. I asts you to set yere an' read a chapter out of 'is yere +book. It don't mek no diff'ence to me w'ich chapter 'tis you reads, jes' +so it's a good long one. I done looked th'ough 'at book the other day +an' most of the chapters in it is long an' all of 'em is tiresome. You +jes' read 'twell you gits good an' sleepy an' 'en you go on to baid an' +refresh yo'se'f in slumber. An' in the meanwhile I aims to steddy right +hard over these yere pressin' matters of your'n an' see ef I can't see +the daylight breakin' th'ough somewhars." + +I can tell by his looks that he ain't got no hope of success on my part, +but he's so plumb wore out from worrying that he ain't got the spirit +for to resist me. He says to me he won't promise to read the book, but +he will promise to try to lay aside his botherments and go to bed early, +which that is sufficient for me. + +I leaves him there and I goes back to my room, after telephoning to +'Lisses Petty that something important has come up at our place which +will detain me away from him for the time being. And then, when I gets +to my room, I sets down and takes off my shoes. It seems like I always +could think better when my feet was freed from them binding shoes. + +When a nigger boy is fixing to run his fastest he's got to snatch his +hat off and sail bareheaded; and I'm much the same way about my feet +when I craves to think. So, my shoes being off, I just rears back and +sets in for to give the problems before me the fullest considerations. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +_Vet to Zym_ + + +The way it looks to me, here is Mr. Dallas Pulliam, one of the most +free-hearted, good-willingest young white gentlemen that ever lived, +about to be throwed to the raveling wolves. He's elected to be the live +meat, with a two-sided race on to see which one of the contesters can +pick and clean him the quickest. And so, if he's going to be saved for +future references, something is got to be done and done mighty speedy, +too, else there won't be nothing left but the polished bones. + +I therefore splits up my thinking into two parts; first I studies a +spell about the one proposition and then I studies a spell about the +other. To tell the truth, though, I don't need to have so very many +concernings over the case of Mr. H. C. Raynor. I did not let on to Mr. +Dallas what was passing through my mind, but at the very same instant +when he turned to me for help after telling about the row down-town at +the oil offices with Mr. Raynor, I hit spang on what might turn out to +be proper medicine for what ails the gentleman. It ain't so very long, +setting there in my room by myself, before the scheme begins to sort of +routine itself out and look like something. + +With regards to him I'm going mainly on the facts that he's like a lot +of these here Northerners which ain't never been down South to speak of, +and is therefore got curious ideas about the South in general. Long time +before this I has took note that he thinks a colored person naturally +enjoys being called "a dam black rabbit" or "a worthless black +scoundrel" whilst he's waiting on white folks. Also, he can't seem to +get over my failing to say "Yas, Massa" and "No, Massa" when Mr. Dallas +asks me a question; and I can tell he's kind of put out because I don't +go round speaking of myself as "dis nigga" this and "dis nigga" that and +"dis nigga" the other thing. In other words, I ain't living up to the +character of the imaginary kind of a Southern-raised black man, which +he's been led to expect I'd be from reading some of these here foolish +writings which they gets out up here from time to time. + +I knows full well what his sensations is in these matters, not only from +the look on his face, but from one or two things which I has overheard +him saying in times past. So now I just puts two and two together, and I +says to myself that if he's entertaining them misled ideas about my +race, he doubtless is also got the notion in his head that every quality +white gentleman from down South, and more especially them which hails +from Kentucky, totes a pistol on the flank and is forever looking for a +chance to massacrete somebody against which he's took a disfancy. I +remembers now that he asked me once how many feuds there was going on in +our part of the state at the present time. Rather than disappoint him, I +tells him several small ones and one large one. And another time he +wants to know from me whether they ever tried anybody in earnest for +shooting somebody down our way. Secretively, at the time, I pities his +ignorance, but I ain't undertaking to wean him from his delusions, +because if that's his way of thinking it ain't beholden on me to try to +educate him different. Looking back on it now, I'm mighty glad I didn't +try neither, because in the arose situation I figures that his +prevailing beliefs is going to fall right in with my plans. + +Inside of half an hour I is through with him and ready to tackle the +other matter, which is a harder one, any way you look at it. I takes my +head in both my hands and I says to myself: What kind of a lady is this +here one we got to deal with? With her raisings, what does she probably +like the best in the world? What does she probably hate the most in the +world? What would scare her off and what would make her mad, and what is +it would probably only just egg her on? What would she shy from, and +what would she jump at? Where would she be reckless, and where would she +be careful? And so on and so forth. + +All of a sudden--_bam_!--a notion busts right in my face. Casting round +this way and that for a starter to go by, I recalls to mind what I heard +Judge Priest norrating years ago touching on a funny will which a rich +man in an adjoining county to ours drawed up on his death-bed, and how +the row over it was fit out in the courts, and with that I says to +myself, I says: + +"Hallelujah to my soul, ole problem, I shore does believe I's got you +whar the wool is short--dog-gone me ef I don't!" + +It's getting on towards eleven o'clock when I puts my shoes back on and +slips in to see what Mr. Dallas is doing. He's still setting right where +I left him, with the book in front of him. But his eyes, seems to me, is +beginning to droop a little. Well, there ain't nobody living could +linger two hours over that there old _Vet to Zym_ without getting all +drowsied up. + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I thinks the daylight is startin' to sift in +th'ough the cloakin' clouds. I seems to see a bright streak, in fact a +couple of streaks. But, even so, I is got to be lef' free to wu'k things +out my own way. Is you agreeable, suh?" + +"Jeff," he says, "I'm in your hands. There's no one else into whose +hands I can put myself. What do you want me to do?" + +"Well suh," I says, "first I wants you fur to go tek off yore things an' +git yo'se'f settled in baid fur the night. Tha's the starter." + +"Agreed," he says--"and then, what?" + +"Well, next," I says, "I don't want you to go down-town a-tall tomorrow. +I want you fur to stay right whar you now is. In the mawnin' keep 'way +frum the telephone. Ef I ain't yere to answer it jes' you an' Koga let +it ring its haid off an' don't pay it no mind. In the afternoon you may +have a 'portant visitor answerin' to the entitlemints of Mr. H. C. +Raynor, Esquire. Befo' he gits yere tell you whut's to come off betwixt +you two, purvided the perliminary 'rangemints, ez conducted by me, has +wukked out all right. But I ain't aimin' to tell you the full plans +yit--too much is got to happen in the meantime. Tomorrow is plenty +time." + +"Just as you say," he says. "I'm going to my room now." + +"Wait jes' one minute, please suh," I says, as he gets up. "Mr. Dallas, +you ain't ownin' no pistol, is you?" + +"What would I be doing with a pistol?" he says, sort of puzzled. "I +never owned one in my life--I don't believe I ever shot one off in my +life." Then a kind of a shamed smile comes onto his face. "Why Jeff," he +says, "you aren't taking seriously what I said early tonight about +suicides, are you? You needn't worry--I'm not thinking of shooting +myself yet awhile." + +"I ain't worryin' 'bout 'at," I says; "I ain't figgerin' on you shootin' +yo'se'f, neither I ain't figgerin' on yore havin' to shoot nobody else. +Never'less, though," I says, "an' to the contrary notwidstandin', sence +you ain't got no pistol, you's goin' to have one befo' you is many hours +older--a great big shiny fretful-lookin' one." + +"What am I to do with it after I get it?" he says. + +"Mr Dallas," I says, "please, suh, go on to bed lak you promised me. I +got a haidache now, clear down to the quick, jes' frum answerin' my own +questions." + +I speaks this to him just like he is a little boy and I is his nurse. +And off he goes, just like a wore-out, desponded, onhappy little boy. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +_Lady-Like!_ + + +As I looks back on it now, after the passing of two weeks or so, it +seems to me I never traveled so fast and covered so much ground in all +my born days as I did on the next day following immediately along after +this here night before. For awhile you just naturally couldn't see me +for the dust. + +In the first place, right after breakfast-time, I glides out and I +scoots up-town and I puts up ten dollars for security and thereby I +borrows the loan of one of his extra spare revolvers off of a +yellow-complected person named Snake-Eye Jamison, which it is his habit +to go round the colored districts recommending himself as the coroner's +friend and acting very gunnery towards parties that he gets dissatisfied +with. I don't know how many folkses he's killed in his life, but he +must bury his dead where they falls, because I ain't never had none of +the gravestones pointed out to me. But, anyway, he goes heeled on both +hips at all times. But I makes him onload her before he turns her over +to me, because I is not taking no chances on having that thing going off +accidental and maybe crippling somebody. I totes this here large and +poisonous-looking chunk of dark-blue hardware back to the apartment and +stores it in a safe place where I can put my hand upon it on short +notices. + +Then I waits till Mr. Dallas is in the bathroom with the water running +so as to hide the sound of my voice, and I goes to the telephone and I +calls up Miss Bill-Lee's[3] number over on Riverside Drive. + +She must've rose early so as to have her complexion laid on so it'll get +set good before she goes out for the day; because it's her which answers +my call instead of the maid. + +I tells her it's me on the wire and I asks her, as a special favor, can +I run over to her flat as soon as it's agreeable, to speak to her on a +very important matter? She says yes, so eager-like it must be she's +expecting I'm fetching a present from Mr. Dallas same as I has done +quite often before this. She says I can come at ten o'clock. + +Ten o'clock and I'm at the door. She's in her sitting-room waiting for +me. She looks sort of disappointed when she sees I ain't brought along +no flowers nor no candy nor no jewelry-box nor nothing with me; but she +welcomes me very kindly. I don't lose no time getting going. + +"Miss DeWitt," I says, making my voice as winning as I can, "now 'at you +an' Mr. Dallas is fixin' to git married to one 'nother I been wonderin' +'bout what's goin' become of me in the shuffle. I 'preciates 'at he laks +me fuss-rate; but he idolizes you so deeply 'at I knows he wouldn't keep +on keepin' me nur nobody else round him widout he wuz shore 'at you +laked 'em, too. Tha's what's been worryin' me--the question whether you +felt disposed agreeable to me? An' so, after broodin' over the matter +fur goin' on it's nearly a week, I finally has tuck the liberty of +comin' to speak to you 'bout it. Yassum!" + +"Jefferson," she says kind of indifferent and yet not hostile, "I have +nothing against you--in fact I rather like you. If your services are +satisfactory to Dallas I shall have not the slightest objection to his +keeping you on as his servant." + +"Thanky, ma'am," I says, "hearin' you say 'at frum yore own lips +su'ttinly teks a big load offen my mind. I strives ever to please. +'Sides, I got a mighty winnin' way wid chillen. I'll come in handy w'en +it comes to he'pin' out wid the nursin' an' all lak 'at." + +She sets up straight from where she's been kind of half-laying down and +some of that chain-gang jewelry of hers gives a brisk rattle. + +"Children!" she says, plenty startled. "What in the world are you +talking about?" + +I answers back like I'm expecting of course she'll understand. + +"W'y," I says, "the chillen w'ich enshores 'at Mr. Dallas don't lose out +none in the final cuttin' up of the estate," I says. + +By now she's rose bolt upright on her feet. All that languidsome manner +is fled from her, and her voice is sharper than what I ever has heard it +before. + +"What's that?" she says, quite snappy. "What's that you are saying? Do +you mean to tell me that Dallas has been married before--that he has a +child, or more than one child, hidden away somewhere?" + +"Oh, nome," I says, very soothing, "nuthin' lak 'at. 'Course Mr. Dallas +ain't never been married--up 'twell now he's practically been +heart-whole an' fancy-free. Yassum! I wuz merely speakin'--ef you'll +please, ma'am, 'scuse me--of the chillen, w'ich natchelly 'll be comin' +long ez purvided fur onder the terms of the ole gen'elman's will, you +know. Tha's all I meant." + +"Will!" she says. "What will? Whose will? Here, you, give me the +straight of this thing! I haven't the faintest idea what it's all +about." + +"Now!" I says, acting like I'm overcome with a sudden great regret. +"Ain't that jes' lak me, puttin' my big foot in it, gabblin' 'bout +somethin' w'ich it ain't none of my affairs? Most doubtless, Mr. Dallas, +he's been savin' it all up ez a happy surprise fur you. An' now, in my +innocence an' my ign'ence, I starts blabbin' it fo'th unbeknowst. Lemme +git out of yere, please ma'am, 'fore I gits myse'f in any deeper 'en +whut already I is in!" + +She comes sailing across the floor right at me. Them big floating black +eyes of hers seems to get smaller and sharper until they bores into me +the same as a pair of sharp gimblets. + +"You stay right where you are," she says, commanding as a +major's-general. "You don't leave this room until I get this mystery +straightened out." + +"Please, ma'am, I'd a heap ruther you spoke to Mr. Dallas 'bout it," I +says, pretending to be pleading hard. "No doubt in due time he'll +confide to you all 'bout the way the property is tied up an' 'bout his +paw's views ez 'spressed in the will, an' also 'bout the way the matter +stands betwixt him an' his twin brother, Mr. Clarence, an' all the rest +of it." + +"Twin brother!" she says, and by now she's been jolted so hard she's +mighty near to the screeching point. "Where is this twin brother? I +never heard of him--never dreamed there was such a person. Say, are you +crazy or am I?" + +"W'ich 'at do settle it!" I says, very lamentful. "Ef Mr. Dallas ain't +told you 'bout his twin brother neither, it suttinly is a shore sign to +me 'at he wuz aimin' to purserve ever'thing ez a precious secret frum +you fur the time bein'. I 'spects he'll jest more'n snatch me +ball-haided fur this, Miss DeWitt. Please, ma'am, don't say nothin' to +him 'bout my havin' give you the tip, will you?" + +"I don't want tips," she says, "I want facts. And I'm going to have them +here and now--and from you! If you want to get out of here with a whole +skin you'll quit your vague mumblings about wills and children and +estates and twin brothers that I never heard of before, and you'll tell +me in plain words the entire story, whatever it is, that has been held +back from me so carefully. You tell it beginning to end!" + +"Yassum," I says, "jest ez you wishes, ma'am." I tries to make my voice +sound like I'm scared half to death, which it don't call for no great +amount of putting-on on my part neither, because she has done shed all +her laziness and all her silkiness and all her smoothness same as a +blue-racer sheds his skin in the spring of the year, and she's done +bared her real het-up dangersome self before me. "Jest ez you wishes," I +says, "only I do trus' an' pray at you'll purtec' me frum Mr. Dallases' +wrath w'en he finds out I done spilt ever'thin' so premanture-lak." + +"Forget it!" she says. "It strikes me I'm the one who needs protection +if anybody does. Now, without any more dodging or ducking you give me +the truth, understand? No original embroidery of your own, either--the +cold truth, all of it! And if I find out afterwards that you've been +holding back a single detail from me----!" + +With that she stops short and pins me with them eyes of hers. I can't +hardly keep from flinching back from before her. If she was a hornet +it'd be high time to start one of the hands off to the nearest drugstore +after the soothing ointments, because somebody certainly would be due to +get all stung up. Rejoiceful though I is inside of me to see how nice +she's grabbed at all the hints which I has flung out to her like +fishing-baits, one after another, I'd be almost as glad if I was outside +that room talking to her through the keyhole. But it's shore dependent +on me to set easy and keep on play-acting and not make no slips. Things +is going well, but they has got to go still better yet if she's to +swallow down the main dose. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[3] Note.--It has just dawned upon Jeff's volunteer amanuensis that +throughout the preceding pages of this narrative, Jeff's more or less +phonetic rendering of this word was an effort on his part to deal with +the Gallicized pronunciation of an English diminutive for a common +proper name, to wit: _Billy_. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +_Sable Plots_ + + +So I spreads out both my hands like as if I'm plumb cowed down and +licked, and then I starts in handing out to her the yarn which I'd spent +half the night before piecing it together in my mind. It's a mighty nice +kind of romancing, if I do say so, and full of plausibleness, 'specially +that part of it which is built up on what I remembers the old judge +having told me about the curious case which come up that time in one of +the adjoining counties. But the rest of it, including the most fanciest +touches, such as Mr. Clarence and the old maiden-lady aunt and the two +sets of triplets and all, has been made up to order right out of my own +head, and I asks credit. + +And now, whilst I'm setting there telling it to her and watching her +close to see how she's taking it, I'm praying to the Good Lord, asking +Him will He please, Master, forgive me for onloading such a monstrous +pack of what-ain't-so on an onsuspecting and worked-up lady. And at the +same time I'm hoping the spirit of Mr. Dallases' dear departed father, +which he was one of the nicest, quietest old gentlemen that ever +breathed, won't come ha'nting me for low-rating his memory so +scandalous. I knows full well he must be turning over in the grave +faster and faster every minute which passes. I only can trust he don't +see fit to rise from it. + +"Miss DeWitt," I says, "lissen, please, an' you shell know all: You see, +ma'am, ever'thin' in this connection dates back to the time w'en Mr. +Dallases' paw made his dyin' will some six or seven yeahs ago. 'Course, +as you doubtless has learned befo' now, he lef' the bigges' part of the +estate tied up." + +"I don't know any such thing," she says, breaking in again and even more +savage-like than before. "Do you mean to tell me Dallas is not the sole +master of his own property?" + +I sort of stammers and hesitates like I'm astonished that she don't know +that part of it, neither. My hanging back only makes her yet more fierce +to hear the rest. + +"Wellum," I goes on to say when finally I sees she's liable to blow +clean up if I delays further, "the real facts of the case is 'at he +ain't actually got no property a-tall, ez you mout say. He only draws +down one-ha'f the intrust frum it. He don't get nigh ez much income, +neither, ez whut folkses mout think frum his free way of spendin' his +money right an' lef'. Ez a matter of fact, an' in the strictes' +confidences, Miss DeWitt," I says, "he is mos' gin'elly alluz in debt to +the trustees by reason of him bein' overdrawed. But, course," I says, +"'at part of it ain't neither yere nor thar, is it? Ef Mr. Dallas wants +to slather his money 'bout so fast that ever' dollar he spends looks to +outsiders lak it's ten or twelve, tha's his bus'ness. Lemme git back on +the main track. Le's see, now? I wuz specifyin' to you 'bout the will, +wuzn' I? + +"Well, it's lak this: W'en folkses down our way heared the terms of the +will they wuz a heap of 'em said the old gen'elman's mind must a-went +back on him in his last sickness fur him to be layin' down any sech +curious 'quiremints ez them wuz. Yassum, some even went fu'ther 'en 'at. +Some went so fur ez to say it wuz the streak of onsanity w'ich runs in +the Pulliam fambly croppin' out ag'in in a fresh place." + +"Oh, so it's insanity now!" she says. "The longer you talk the more +interesting things I learn. Go on--go on!" + +"Yassum," I says, "I'm goin'. Yassum, they wuz quite a host of folkses +w'ich come right out an' said Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence, ary one or +both of 'em, would be amply justified in contestin' the will on the +grounds 'at the late lamentable wuz out of his haid at the time he +drawed it up. But no, ma'am, not them two! I figgers they knowed they +own dear paw well 'nuff to know the idee w'ich he toted in his mind. +'Sides w'ich, all the members of that fambly is sort of techy on the +subjec' of the lil' trickle of onsanity 'at flows in the blood, w'ich, I +reckin, they natchelly is to be 'scused fur that. An' ef one or the +other of 'em went to the big cotehouse tryin' to bust up the will on +the claim 'at the ole gen'elman didn't rightly know whut he wuz doin' +to'des the last, it'd only quicken up the talk 'bout the craziness +strain. An' so, on 'count of the Pulliam pride an' all, they jes' lef' +it stand lak it wuz. An' 'en, on top of 'at, Mr. Clarence he turned sort +of onsatisfactory in the haid an' he strayed off an' wuzn' heared of +ag'in till yere recently. An' 'en, soon ez Mr. Clarence wuz found, Mr. +Dallas he come on up yere an' you an' him met an'----" + +"In Heaven's name, quit drooling and get somewhere," she says, making +her words pop like one of these here whip-lashes. "What did the will +say?" + +"Yassum," I says, "yassum, I jest is reached 'at p'int, now. The will +say 'at the estate is to be helt in trust fur the time bein' an' 'en +w'en the two sons comes of age they is free to marry, only they is both +bound to marry somebody or other befo' they reaches they twenty-fif' +birthday. An' the one w'ich has the most chillen to his credit at the +end of five yeahs frum his weddin' day, he gits the main chunk of the +prop'ty, whilst the other is cut down to jest----" + +"The most children?" she says; only by now she's saying it so savigrous +that she practically is yelling it. "The most----?" + +"Yassum," I says, "tha's it--the most chillen. You see, ma'am, they +seems to run to chillen, someway, the Pulliamses does. When a Pulliam +gits married, look out fur baby-carriages, tha's all. They don't seem to +have chillen by driblets, neither, lak some people does. They is more +apt to have 'em by triplets. They is two complete sets of triplets on +record in times gone past, an' ever' generation kin be depended on to +perduce at leas' one set of twins. + +"Or even more! Now, f'rinstances, you tek Mr. Dallas an' Mr. +Clarence--both twins. Tek they father befo' 'em an' they maiden aunt, +Miss Sarah Pulliam, deceasted--twins some mo'. Only, you never heared +much 'bout Miss Sarah in her lifetime owin' to her bein' kep' onder +lock an' key fur spasms of a kind of wildness comin' over her now an' +then. Then ag'in, amongst Mr. Dallases' own brothers an' sisters, tek +his two lil' twin sisters, not to mention the four or five singles w'ich +come 'long right stiddy an' reg'lar. Yassum, it's been 'at way in the +famby fur ez fur back ez the oldest inhabitant kin remember. + +"But the gineration w'ich Mr. Dallas belongs to, it turned out sickly +fur the most part, an' so, by the time the ole gen'elman come to die, +all his chillen had died off on him, 'scusin' Mr. Dallas an' Mr. +Clarence, w'ich them two wuz all they wuz left out of a big swarm. Oh, I +jedges the paw knowed whut he wuz 'bout! I reckin he craved 'at his +breed should once more multiply freely an' replenish the earth wid a +whole multitude of lil' Pulliamses. An' so he purvided fur a healthy +competition betwixt his two sons to see----" + +"Wait!" she says. "Let me see if I understand you? You say that by the +terms of that old maniac's will the bulk of his estate was tied up so to +go eventually to the son who had the most children five years after +marriage. Well, then, what does the remaining son--the loser--get?" + +"He gits a hund'ed an' fifty dollars a month fur life--I think tha's +whut it come to," I says. "Mebbe it mout be a hund'ed an' sebenty-five, +I won't be shore. An' he also draws down fifty dollars a month extry fur +each chile he's got livin'. But tha's all. The home place an' the +tobacco bus'ness an' the money in the bank an' all else, they goes to +the winner, onlessen each one, at the end of them five yeahs is got a +ek'el number of chillen in w'ich case the estate is divided even-stephen +betwixt 'em. Yassum!" + +"Then why didn't both brothers marry as soon as they came of age?" she +asks me, sort of suspicious. But I was expecting that very question to +come forth sooner or later, and I was prepared beforehand for it. + +"Wellum," I says, "you see, I reckin Mr. Dallas figgered they wuzn' no +need to be in a rush seein' 'at Mr. Clarence wuz so kind of +ondependable. Ef the truth must be knowed, Mr. Clarence wuz downright +flighty. He had spells w'en he'd furgit his own name an' go wanderin'. +Yassum! An' right after he come of age he took a 'specially severe spell +an' he sauntered so fur away they plum' lost track of him. It wasn't +'twell last July 'at he wuz located ag'in. It seems lak he'd been +detained somewhars out West in a sort of a home whar they keeps folks +w'ich is liable to fits of chronic oneasiness in the haid. But now, +suddenly, his refreshed memory had come back to him an' the doctors +pernounced him cured an' turned him loose ag'in; an' the latest word wuz +'at he wuz thinkin' 'bout gittin married down in Texas or one of 'em +other distant places, out yonderways. So Mr. Dallas must a-realized 'at +'twuz up to him to stir his stumps an' git hisse'f married off, too; +'specially ez he had done passed his twenty-fo'th birthday the month +befo'. Well, seemed lak, he couldn't find no young lady down home w'ich +wuz suitable to his fancies, although some folks did say, quiet-lak, 'at +they wuz a local prejudice springin' up on the part of parents ag'inst +havin' they daughters marryin' him. But betwixt you an' me, ma'am, I +never tuk no stock in 'at, 'cause most of the time Mr. Dallas is jest ez +rationable ez whut you an' me is. It's only w'en he gits excited 'at he +behaves a lil' peculiar-lak. Well, anyways, Mr. Dallas he come on up +yere an' he met you. So now it looks lak ever'thing is goin' turn out +all right, an' mebbe we'll beat out Mr. Clarence after all, in w'ich +case Mr. Dallas won't have to be worryin' at the end of five yeahs 'bout +whar he's gain' to rake up the cash to pay back the money w'ich he's +overdrawed out of the estate, nur nuthin'. So that's how come me to +mention chillen w'en I fust come in, ma'am. An' I trusts you +understan's?" + +And with that I smiles at her like I'm expecting that now, seeing she +knows all the tidings, she'll be jubilated over the prospects, too. + +But she ain't smiling--I lay she ain't got a smile left in her entire +system. She's mighty nigh choking, but it ain't no happy emotion that +she's choked up with; if you was a blind man you could a-told that much +from the sounds she's making. She's saying things fast and furious. +Remarks is just foaming from her; but the trouble is she keeps on +getting her statements all jumbled up together so they don't make good +sense. And yet, notwithstanding, I still can follow her thoughts. I +catches the words: "_most_ children"--she duplicates that several +times--and "twins" and "triplets" and "insanity" and "one hundred and +fifty dollars a month." And all mixed in with this is loose odds and +ends of language which seems to indicate she thinks somebody has been +withholding something back on her or trying to take an unfair advantage +of her, or something. She certainly is in a swivit. A little more and +she'd be delirious--she would so! + +All of a sudden she flings herself out of the room, with her necklaces +and things clashing till she sounds like a runaway milk-wagon, and she +makes for the telephone in the hall, and I can hear her trying very +frantic to get our number rung up. For a minute my heart swarms up in +my throat; anyhow, some of my organs swarms up there where I can taste +'em. I'm so afraid Mr. Dallas may forget his promise to me and come to +the 'phone! If he does, the whole transaction is liable to be busted up +just when I've strove so hard to fix everything nice and lovely. That's +why my heart climbs up in my windpipes. But after a little bit I can +breathe easy some more because it's plain, from what I overhears, that +Central tells her she can't get no responsives from the other end of the +wire. So then, after one or two more tries, she gives up trying and she +comes back into the setting-room, still spilling mumbling words, but +"children" continues to be the one she seems to favor the most, and she +says to me that she has a message to send to Mr. Dallas, which she wants +me for to take it to him. + +Still playing my part, I says to her I truly hopes there ain't going to +be nothing in the message which will put Mr. Dallas in a bad humor with +me. But she don't appear to hear my pleading voice. She's already set +down over at a little writing-desk in the corner, and she's got a pen +in her hand and she's writing away like a house on fire. The pen is +squeaking the same as if it was in torment, and them five or six +bracelets on her arm is clinking sweet music to my ear. I ain't no +seventh son of a seventh gun, which they tells me they has the gift of +prophecy laid upon them at birth, nor yet I ain't no mind-reader, but, +even so, I says to myself that I don't need but one guess at the true +nature of what 'tis she's writing. + +She gets through quite soon--there's only just one single sheet of +paper, and she folds it up and creases it hard like she's trying to mash +it in two, and she jams it in an enveloper and seals the enveloper and +shoves it into my waiting hand, and she says to me: + +"There! Now you take this note to the man you work for, immediately!" + +"Yassum," I says; "is they any answer to come back?" + +"Answer?" she says, "No--no--_no_--NO!" + +So I goes right out, leaving her still saying it at the top of her +voice. It seems to me it's high time to go, if not higher. Besides, +it's mighty hard trying to carry on a conversation with an +overwrought-up lady which she has only got one word left in stock, which +that one is a little short word like "No." + +So I takes my foot in my hand and I marvils thence from there fast as +ever my willing legs can take me. And as I goes along on my way, +speeding 'cross-town bound for our quarters, I'm trying to think of a +stylish word which in times gone by I has heard some of the white folks +use as a pet name for a note from one loving soul to another. Pretty +soon it comes to me--_billet doux_! + +I stops right still where I is at: + +"Bill-Lee do, huh?" I says to myself. "Yas, sometimes Bill-Lee do. But +this time--glory, hallelujah, amen!--Bill-Lee do not!" + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +_White Hopes_ + + +When you is engaged in going to and fro in the world doing good deeds +you certainly can cover a surpassing lot of ground in a short time. It's +striking ten when I knocks at the lady's door; it ain't eleven yet, by +the lacking of a few minutes, when I is home again and has handed over +the note to Mr. Dallas and is watching his face whilst he reads it. He's +got one of these here open faces, and I can tell, easy enough, exactly +what thoughts goes through his mind. Mostly he's full of a great +relief--that's plain to see--but mixed in with it is a faint kind of a +lurking regretfulness that she should a-broke loose from him so abrupt +this-a-way. If folks has got the least crumb of vanity in 'em it shows +forth when a love affair is going to pieces on 'em. And Mr. Dallas is +not no mite different in this matter from the run of creation. Even so, +he's displayed more joysomeness than anything else when it comes to the +end of what she's wrote him. He reaches out after my hand for to shake +it good and hard and hearty. + +"Jeff," he says, "my hat's off to you--you're the outstanding wonder of +the century. I judge it's hardly necessary for me to tell you what's in +this note?" + +"I been able," I says, "to mek my own calculations, suh. I reckins ef I +wuz put to it, I could guess." + +"How did you ever succeed in doing it?" he says. + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "the main p'int is 'at it's done--ain't 'at so, +suh?" + +"Agreed," he says; "but there are hints here--hints is a mild word--at +things I don't in the least understand. Now, for example----" + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "ast me no questions, please suh, an' I'll tell +you no lies. Lyin' don't come natchel to me, ez you knows--I has to +strain fur it." + +"Very well," he says, "have it your own way; I won't press you. The +proof is in my hand that you accomplished what you set out to do; and +seeing that I had no part or parcel in it I figure it's up to me to show +less curiosity and more gratitude." + +"Nummine the gratitudes part yit aw'ile," I says. "Us is got a heap more +to 'complish 'fore the sun goes down tonight. It's only jest a part of +the load w'ich is been lifted--bear 'at in mind, suh. The case of Mr. H. +C. Raynor is yit remainin' to be 'tended to." + +"You've already shown me what you can do, even though I'm left in the +dark, as to the exact methods you use in these big emergencies," he +says. "I'm still following your lead. What comes next?" + +All through this he's been walking up and down the floor like he was +drilling for the militia. So I induces him for to set down and be still, +and I proceeds to specify further. + +I says to him, I says: + +"Mr. Dallas," I says, "these here chronic Noo Yawkers is funny +people--some of 'em. 'Cause they knows they own game they thinks they +ain't no other games wu'th knowin'. 'Cause they thinks the Noo Yawk way +of doin' things must be the only suitable way, they don't concern +theyselves 'bout the way an outsider mout tackle the same proposition. +To be so bright ez they is in some reguards, they is the most ign'ent in +others ever I seen. Now, 'cordin' to my notions, w'en you gits 'em on +strange ground, w'en you flings a novelty slam-bang in they faces, they +ain't got no ways an' means figgered out fur meetin' it an' they's +liable to git all mommuxed up an' swep' right off they feet." + +"Jeff," he says, "you have gifts which I never fully appreciated before. +You are not only a philosopher but a psychologist as well." + +"Boss," I says, "you does me too much honor. So fur ez I knows, I ain't +nary one of them two things w'ich you jest called me. I only merely +strives fur to use the few grains of common-sense w'ich the Good Lawd +give me, tha's all 'tis. Tubby shore, I got one 'vantage on my side: I +kin look at w'ite folkses' affairs frum a cullid stan'p'int whar'as +they kin only look at 'em frum they own. Ef the shoe wuz on t'other foot +you doubtless could he'p me; but in the present case it's possible I kin +he'p you. I's on the outside lookin' in, whilst you is on the inside +lookin' out, ez you mout say; so mebbe I kin 'scover things w'ich you'd +utterly overlook. The fly be-holes whut 'scapes the elephant's eye an' +the minner gives counsel to the whale. Mebbe I ain't gittin' the words +routined right fur to 'spress my meanin's, but, even so, I reckin you +gits my drift, don't you, suh?" + +"I follow you perfectly, with an ever-increasing admiration," he says. +"Go ahead. This look like our lucky day anyhow--let's press the luck!" + +"Yas suh," I says. "Now, f'rinstances," I says, "you tek the 'foresaid +Mr. H. C. Raynor. Wen you spoke to him of lawsuits yistiddy he mouty +nigh laffed in yore face, didn't he? Well, 'at shows he ain't got no +dread of lawsuits. Prob'ly he's been mixed up in 'em befo'; most +doubtless he knows the science of lawsuitin' frum the startin'-tape to +the home-stretch. An' lakwise he'd have the bulge on you w'en it come to +makin' figgers wu'k out lak he wanted 'em to, so he'd 'pear to be inside +his rights an' you'd 'pear to be on the wrong side of the docket. I +persume he's had a 'bundance of 'sperience in sech matters, w'ich you +ain't. He knows his own system an' he knows you don't know it, w'ich +fortifies him yit fu'ther. All right, suh, so much fur that. But +s'posen, now, on the other hand, we wuz to layway him an' jump out of +ambushmint at him wid a brand-new notion? I jedges he ain't got no +rippertation to speak of, so losin' whut lil' scraps of it he mout have +left wouldn't keep him 'wake nights worryin', 'specially effen he'd +already salted away the cash w'ich he craved. But he do own somethin' +w'ich he prizes most highly or elsewise I misses my guess--he's got a +skin w'ich he's managed some way, by hook, or crook, to keep it whole up +to now. An' ef right out of a clear sky he suddenly wuz faced wid +prospect of havin' it all punctured up in mebbe fo', five, or six +places, I figgers he mout start singin' a diff'unt song frum the one +w'ich at the present 'pears to be his fav'rit' selection. + +"There's just one thing more," I says, "Prob'ly it's 'scaped yore +'tention, Mr. Dallas, but I's been steddyin' Mr. H. C. Raynor off an' on +an' I has took note 'at he's got some very curiousome idees in his haid +'bout the kind of folkses you an' me is. Didn't it never occur to you, +suh, 'at he thinks practically all Southern w'ite gen'elmen is a heap +more hot-haided an' fiery-blooded 'en whut the run of 'em really is? +Didn't it never occur to you frum his talk, 'at he figgers 'at most +ev'ry thorough-bred Kintuckian is prone to settle his argumints wid +fo'ty-fo' calliber ca'tridges? Well, I's read his thoughts 'long them +lines, even ef you ain't, an' I'm shore I got him placed right. Tha's +whut I'm countin' on now, suh," I says; "tha's whar'in lays our maindest +dependince. Does you see whut I'm aimin' at, suh? Or does you don't?" + +He ain't needing to answer. His face is beginning to light up and his +eyeballs is starting to dance in his head. So I knows the time is come +for me to cease from preambling and get right down to cases. Which I +accordingly does so. + +I tells him the greatest part of what I aims to do. I tells him what-all +he's to do. I tells him what 'll be the signal for him to bust into the +picture. I tells him how he should deport hisself after he's done so. I +can tell him what should be done up to a certain point, but, past that, +as I says to him, he'll just have to let Nature take its coarseness. + +I labors over him until I can tell he's getting his mad up--his hands +begins to twitch a little and his jaw sort of locks and there's a kind +of a reckless spunky look stealing onto his expression. That suits me. I +wants him to be even more nervous than what he is now when the +performance starts--the nervouser he is the better for our purposes. + +When his dander is worked up to suit and getting more worked-up and more +danderish every minute, I leaves him there and I goes out into the hall +and I rings up the oil office. One of the help answers to my call and I +tells him to please get Mr. Raynor on the line right speedy. In about a +minute his voice comes to me over the wire. + +"Hello!" he says, very sharp-like, "hello!--who is it?" + +"Mr Raynor," I says, "this yere is Jeff Poindexter, speakin' fur Mr. +Dallas. He desires 'at you will please run on up yere to our place soon +ez you kin git yere. He ain't seemin' to be hisse'f today an' so he +ain't aimin' to come down-town. In fac', right now he's layin' down, but +he p'intedly insists on seein' you 'mediately. He says it's most highly +important. 'At's the message he tells me fur to convey, suh." + +"Well," he says, sort of grumbling, "it's getting on toward my +lunch-time; but I suppose I could come. Tell him I'll be there in +half-an-hour from now." + +"Yas suh," I says, "thanky suh.... Hole on, Mr. Raynor; they's jest one +thing else." And now I lets my voice slink down, sort of cautious-like. +"Mr. Raynor," I says, "I done deliver Mr. Dallases' word to you--now I +wishes fur to say a lil somethin' on my own 'count. W'en you gits yere, +please suh, come straight on up to the 'partmint widout bein' 'nounced +frum downstairs an' walk right on in widout knockin' or ringin' the +bell--the do' 'll be onlatched. I'll be waitin' fur you in the privit +hall to 'scort you into the front room. I craves to speak wid you a +minute, jest by ourselves." + +"What's the big idea?" he says. + +"I can't 'splain over the 'phone by reason 'at I mout be over-heared," I +says; "but I allus has lakked you, suh, frum the fust--an' mebbe I mout +give you a few p'inters 'at you sh'd oughter know befo'hand." + +"Oh, I see," he said. "There's been some loose talking going on up there +and you've heard something you think might interest me, eh? Fine and +dandy! Well, Jeff, you're wise to line up with me--it shows you've got +sense. You won't lose by it, either. I'm always willing to pay the top +market-price for valuable inside information." + +"Yas, suh," I says, "thanky, suh--'at's partially whut I wuz figgerin' +on. I'll be hoverin' 'bout on the look-out fur you, suh, 'cause it +shorely is mouty essential----" + +Right here I breaks off sudden, like as if I'd suddenly got scared that +I might be eavesdropped on or interrupted or something. + +Well, the fruitful seed has done been planted. Almost before I has time +to hang up and get up from that there telephone it seems like to me I +can feel 'em organizing to sprout under my feet. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +_Pistol Plays_ + + +I has fully half an hour to wait and I puts it in going over the +program, as it has already done been mapped out, just to make absolute +sure nothing ain't been left out. There's one switch in the plans, which +I decides to make it right at the last minute, mighty near it. This here +decision is that I'll shove things along powerful brisk once we gets +going good and under way; which naturally this means I've got to change +my Riverside Drive system. But circumstances alters cases and what's +side-meat for one is cold poison for another. The way I looks at it, it +all depends on the anigosity[4] of the occasion. + +Now, with the lady, the best scheme, seemed like to me, was not to crowd +the mourners, as the saying is, but just to lazy along in a weaving way, +letting the specifications sink into her one by one and thereby thus +giving her time to brood over each separate point as it come forth. But +with him I figures the best plan is the quick-rushing plan. I figures +I've got to take him short from the go-off and keep on shocking him so +fast and so hard with promises of devastations that he won't have time +to catch up with his thinking, and then at the proper time dash the +mainest jolt of all right _bang_ in his face. + +But before that proper minute comes he's got to be rightly prepared in +his mind for it. He's got to be hearing mournful music and muffled drums +beating in his ears. He's got to feel an icy cold breath blowing on his +overhet temples. He's got to have a raging fever in his forehead, but a +heavy frost congealing his feet. And most of all he's got to have a sad +picture dancing before his eyes of from six to twelve of his most +intimate friends getting measured for white gloves. Just let them things +come to pass, sort of simultaneous, and it's sure going to be a case of +Sukey, bar the door, with our gentleman friend! + +Leastwise, that is the way I organizes it in my head whilst I'm setting +in that there little hall of ours waiting watchfully. Before a great +while I hears one of the elevators stopping at our floor and I hears +slinky kitty-cat steps coming along towards our door. So I knows that +must be him and I gets back and sort of squats in the side passage +leading off into the service wing, so I can come slipping out like as if +I was in a hurry to meet him as he come in, but had been detained. + +The door opens right easy and in slides Mr. Raynor, same as a mouse into +a trap. I can almost see his nose wrinkling up like he's smelling of the +cheese and craving to start nibbling at it. He looks round him and sees +me and he gives me a meaning wink. I makes motions to him to be quiet, +which that ain't necessary but it helps the play along for me to be +plenty warnful in my manners; and then I tiptoes on up the hall towards +the setting-room, leading the way for him; and he takes the hint and +tiptoes along behind me. But at the setting-room door I slows up and +steps to one side to let him pass on in first and that gives me a chance +to spring the catch-bolt on the door behind us, unbeknownst to him. I +takes his hat and coat, all the time rolling my eyes round on every side +like I'm apprehentious somebody else might be breaking in on us from the +back part of the apartment, and then I says to him in a kind of a +significating whisper, I says: + +"Oh, Mr. Raynor, I been truly oneasy in my mind 'bout you--I'm mouty +sorry 'at you come!" + +"Sorry?" he says, sort of startled. "Why, you telephoned me yourself." + +"Yas, suh, I knows I did," I says; "but I wuz only obeyin' awders--an' +anyways 'at wuz befo' things begun to tek the more serious turn w'ich +they has took. I'd a-halted you at the front do' yonder an' turned you +back ef I could've, but I wuz delayed back in the boss' baid-room tryin' +to argue him out of his notion an' tha's how come I didn't git thar to +give you the warnin' word. Or," I says, "ef they'd a-been time an' I'd +a-got the chance--both of w'ich I had neither--I'd a-ketched you on the +telephone an' stopped you befo' ever you started up-town frum the +office. So this move--tollin' you in yere an' fortifyin' you up, +suh,--is the onliest other one I could think of," I says; "an' so, no +matter how it may turn out," I says, "I want you to carry wid you the +'membrunces 'at I done the level best I could fur you." + +"Say," he says, "what's all this palaver about?" He's speaking quite +bluffy, but even so I can tell that the uneasiness is beginning to seep +into his ankles. "Why shouldn't I come here? I was sent for, wasn't I? +For that matter, why shouldn't I come without being sent for? I'm not +worried about my position in this row--I'm safe." + +"_Sh-h-h!_" I says, "please, suh, _sh-h-h!_ Keep yore voice down," I +says, "whutever else you may do. This ain't no time to be talkin' loud," +I says. + +"I'll swear I don't get you," he says. But he's took heed and now his +notes is low and more worried-like. "I'm asked to come up here on a +matter of business, as I suppose. I gather from your hints over the +telephone you think you've found out something which I might be willing +to give money for, as an exclusive advance tip. So far, so good; I'm +always open to reason. Then I get here and you behave as mysteriously as +a ghost and go _sh-h-hing_ about as though somebody was dead on the +premises. What's the----" + +"Oh, Mr. Raynor," I says, "don't speak of nobody bein' daid on these +premises. It sounds too much lak a dreadin' perdiction. Mr. Raynor," I +says, "fur the sakes of all, please lis'sen an' lemme say my say whilst +they's yit time!" + +"All right," he says; "go ahead. I won't interrupt again, although I +still don't see why you should take the matter so seriously." But in +spite of the fact that when he says this he's grinning at me I judges +that by now the uneasiness has started crawling up his legs. It's one of +them sickly, pestered grins. + +"Well, suh," I says, "all last night an' th'ough the early parts of this +mawnin' Mr. Dallas is been carryin' on lak he was mouty nigh +distracted. Frum words w'ich he lets fall, partly to me an' partly w'en +he's tawkin' to hisse'f, I meks out 'at the trouble is on 'count of +bus'ness dealin's 'twixt you an' him, an' also 'at he's harborin' a +'special pet gredge ag'in you on 'count of somethin' or other. Fur a +spell he tawked right smart 'bout a compermise settlemint an' 'at wuz +whut I wanted to tell you pussonally in privit--'at the idee of a +compermise settlemint wuz floatin' in his mind. He didn't sleep none +las' night but he walked the floor stiddy till pas' daylight; an' all +th'ough these mawnin' hours, seemed lak to me, he's been gittin' mo' an' +mo' antagonized ez the time went by. Frum the symptoms I should a-knowed +whut wuz brewin'. But I reckin I must a-been blinded, whut wid things +bein' so out of kelter round the 'partmint. W'en he bidden me fur to +call you up an' invite yore presence yere right away I still didn't +'spicion the true facts. But right after I'd got th'ough telephonin' +down to the office I went back to his room to say you'd be cumin' +shortly an' ez I stepped in the do' an' seen him fumblin' in 'at +dressin'-table drawer an' seen the rampagious look w'ich wuz on his +face--oh, Mr. Raynor, suh, right 'en wuz w'en my heart upset itse'f +insides my chist! + +"'Cause I done seen 'at look on his face befo' now; I seen it fo' yeahs +ago, the time w'en 'at electioneerin' fuss of his wid the late Mr. Dave +Townsend come up. At leas' once't I seen it on his paw's face an' I seen +it mo' times 'en once't on the face of his uncle, Mr. Z. T. Pulliam, +w'ich they called him Hell-Roarin' Zack fur short. It runs in the blood +an' it ripens in the breedin'--'at look do. You don't never want to +tamper wid a Pulliam--they comes untamped too easy! They goes 'long jest +ez peaceable an' quiet ez a onborn lamb up to a suttin p'int an' 'en 'at +look comes over 'em an' the by-standers starts removin' theyselves to a +place of safety. They calls it the deadly sign of the Pulliam fambly +down our way 'cause they knows whut it means--they's seen it loomin' +th'ough the pistol-smoke too of'en. An' so----" + +"What sort of a bluff is this you're trying to hand me?" he says. But +his face all of a sudden has turned just the color of chalk and his +voice is quivering so the words comes forth from between his lips all +sort of broken up. The man's looks don't match his language. "Are you +trying to tell me there's gun-play threatening around here? Well, that's +not done any more!" + +"You's right!" I says. "Wid the Pulliamses, after the fust shot, it +ain't necessary fur it to be done any mo'--jest once't is ample! They +lets go frum the hip an' they don't rarely nor never miss--I reckin it +comes natchel to 'em. Oh, Mr. Raynor, I knows whut the danger is +better'n you possibly kin! An' oh, Mr. Raynor, I's so skeered on yore +'count--you havin' been alluz mouty friendly to me an' you still so +young, too! An' I's skeered on Mr. Dallases' 'count lakwise, 'cause +these cotehouse folks up yere they prob'ly won't 'preciate whut is the +custom of our locality fur the settlin' of privit misunderstandin's +betwixt gen'elmen. I'm most crazy in my mind, ez you kin see! Ef only I +could a-got him cooled off an' ca'mmed down befo' you got yere! I tried +an' I tried but 'twuzn't no use--it never is no use tryin', wid a +Pulliam. An' even now ef only we could onduce him to hole off an' +lis'sen to reasonable argumints frum you befo' he cuts loose! Oh, Mr. +Raynor, I do hope an' pray he see fit to give you a chanc't to 'splain +'way the diffe'nces! But, oh, I dreads the wust! 'Cause he's crouchin' +back yonder waitin', wid his trigger-finger twitchin', an' w'en he sees +you----" + +"Let me out of here!" he says. And though he says it kind of +half-whispering yet he says it kind of half-screeching, too. + +And with that he makes a break for the door behind him, aiming to bust +out down the hall. But it's locked. + +And with that, likewise I turns over a little centre-table and it goes +down on its side with a bang, which that is the ordained signal agreed +on previous, and I lets a yell out of me. + +"Oh, Lawsy," I yells, "it's too late--yere he is now!" + +And then Mr. Raynor ceases from pawing at the latch and spins round and +plasters himself flat against the door-panels like he was pinned there, +with his arms stretched wide and his fingers clawing at the wood-work. +And here, in through the curtains of the library door comes Mr. Dallas, +that's all, stepping light on the balls of his feet, with his eyes +blazing and his hair all mussed-up, and down at his right side, it +swinging loose and free, he's carrying that three-pound chunk of +Snake-Eye Jamison's shootlery. I don't know whether it's the excitement, +or the spell of the play-acting on him, or the righteous mad which is in +him, but he looks so perilous I'm mighty near scared of him my own self. +And even though he ain't never toted no pistol before in his life he's +handling this here big blue borrowed smoke-wagon like he'd cut his +milk-teeth on one. And I'm mighty glad she ain't loaded, neither; else +he might start living up to the reputation I've done endowed him with. + +That's all, but that's plenty! As Mr. H. C. Raynor's knees begins giving +way under him he starts in to pleading at the top of his voice. You +could a-heard him plumb down in the street I reckon. + +"For God's sake," he begs, "don't shoot! For God's sake, don't shoot +yet! Give me a minute--give me time to explain! I'll do anything you +say, Pulliam--we can square this thing! Only, for God's sake, don't +shoot!" + +By the time he's got this much out of him he's setting down flat against +the door, with his legs stretched out straight in front of him and his +feet kind of dancing on the floor so that his heels makes little +knocking sounds. He looks like he's fixing to faint away. Maybe he did +faint, but if he did, I know the faintfulness didn't get no higher up +than his throat, because the last thing I heard as I went on out from +there through the library, was him still babbling away. + +Up till the time I left, Mr. Dallas hadn't spoke nary word--just stood +there wagging that there chunk of hardware in the general direction of +Mr. Raynor and licking at his lips with his tongue, sort of eager-like. +Well, thus far, it hadn't been necessary for him to say nothing--Mr. +Raynor was doing enough talking for any number you might care to name, +up to half a dozen. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[4] Note.--The word is believed to be one of Jeff's own coinage. It is +left as written. Its meaning may be doubtful but who will deny that it +is a good word? + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +_Piebald Joys_ + + +It's maybe twenty minutes later on when Mr. Dallas calls to me to come +to him and bring Koga with me, him saying the both of us is required for +to witness an agreement which has been drawed up. Right then and there +for the first and last time in my life, that there Japanee boy wins my +admirations. He don't bat a single eye-lash as he follows me in where +they is. He acts like all his life he'd been used to walking into a +setting-room and finding two gentlemen there, one of 'em with a pistol +and the other with a hard chill. He just sucks his breath in once or +twice and starts smiling very pleasant upon one and all. I judges he +must a-been brought up in a kind of a rough neighborhood over in his own +country. + +Mr. Raynor has done rose up from the floor by this time, and is setting +in a chair where he can be more comfortable; at that, he ain't seeming +totally comfortable. His teeth and his hands and his feet keeps on +misbehaving, and he looks to me like he's been losing considerable flesh +even in that short time since I left him. His complexion also remains +very bad. You'd say, offhand, here was a gentleman fixing to be taken +down with a severe spell of illness, or else just getting over one and +still far from well. + +He puts his name to a piece of writing which is spread out on the table, +Mr. Dallas standing over him and sort of indicating the place to him +with the nozzle of that there trusty old forty-four. He has some +difficulty in getting his name set down by reason of him keeping +flinching away from the gun and also on account of his fingers being so +out of control. Then me and Koga likewise signs and whilst I is so doing +I rejoices to note that the document is all done in Mr. Dallases' +handwriting. + +When this has been attended to there does not seem to be no reason why +Mr. Raynor should linger longer amongst us. He indicates that he craves +to go but still don't actually go till Mr. Dallas gives him the word. +For such a previously brash white man he certainly has been rendered +very docile. And dumb--huh! Alongside of him guinea-pigs is plumb +rambunctuous. + +I helps him on with his overcoat, which he has trouble getting into it +by reason of not seeming to be able to stick his arms into the sleeves +until after several tries; and such is his agitated feelings that he +starts off forgetting his hat. I puts it on his head for him, him not +saying a word but just staring about him kind of null and void, and now +and then shivering slightly; and as he goes down the hall towards the +elevator he's got one hand sort of pressed up against the wall for to +support him on his way. If I'd been him I should a-went right straight +on home and laid down for a spell. Probably that's what he did do. I +know I ain't seen hair nor hide of him since and I ain't expecting to do +so, neither, without we should run into one another by accident on the +street sometime. + +As I comes back from the front door after seeing him safely off, Mr. +Dallas is waiting for me in the middle of the floor with a grin on his +face, which it mighty near splits his face in half across the middle. He +lays down the agreement paper and the artillery so he can shake hands +with me with both hands. + +"Jeff," he says, "for the second time in less than two hours let me +tender you my earnest congratulations and my everlasting gratitude. +Thanks to you," he says, "and you alone, I'm getting out of the +double-barreled hole I was in, reasonably intact. What's gone I'll +gladly charge up to profit and loss and valuable experience. What's left +is a whole lot more than I had dared to hope it would be before you took +a hand. When I look back on my feelings last night and contrast them +with my feelings today--say, by Jupiter!" he says, "come to think of it, +it's all happened between late dinner-time of one day and late +lunch-time of the next! It doesn't seem possible! What can I do to +square myself with you for the debt I owe you?" + +"Well, suh," I says, "you mout start in to please me by eatin' a lil' +somethin'. Yore speakin' of lunch-time 'minds me 'at you ain't been +right constant at yore meals lately. Whut you needs," I says, "is to git +yore appetite back an' stow a smidgin' of warm vittles down yore +insides." + +"Jeff," he says, still hanging onto my hands and pumping 'em so fervent +it makes me feel right diffident for him to be doing so, "you're the +doctor and your prescriptions suit me. Bring on the grub! Say it with +chowders! We'll celebrate," he says, "over the festal hot biscuits! +What, ho, for the wassail waffles!" + +And with that he goes prancing about over the room dragging me along +with him, like he was, say, about nine years old, going on ten. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +_Headed Home_ + + +For a fact, that meal which he eats is more like a celebration than a +regulation meal, but considering of everything, I reckon that's no more +than what is to be expected. + +He's half way through with his second helpings of the lamb chops when he +looks up at me where I'm standing back of his chair and he says to me +with one of them old-time little-boy twinkles in his eye, like he used +to have: + +"Jeff," he says, "you certainly can paint a fanciful picture when you +set yourself to it. When I think of the blood-thirsty characteristics +which you bestowed upon those devout and peace-loving ancestors of mine +I have to stop eating and laugh again." + +"You must a-been lis'senin' 'en," I says. + +"I overheard part of the tale from behind the portieres," he says. "Oh, +but it was great stuff, and highly convincing! Even in that crucial +moment I could appreciate your deft touches." + +"You ain't knowin' the ha'f of it yit, suh," I says. "Wait till you +hears tell 'bout them fictionary kinsfolks I's conferred 'pon you in +'nother quarter an' how I endowed the whole passil of 'em wid the +chronic failin' of bein' onreliable in the haid. I 'spects you'll want +to use 'at pistol shore-'nuff in earnest 'en." + +"Not me," he says; "not me. I'll give three ringing cheers for your +superior inventive qualities. If I had your power of imagination I'd +charge admission," he says. + +"I'm glad you feels 'at way, suh," I says, "but I shore does aim to walk +wide of the deceasted members of the Pulliam fambly w'en I crosses over +to the fur side of the deep River of Jordan," I says. "I ain't cravin' +to git in no jam wid any ole residenter angels till I's used to bein' +one myse'f. I wonder," I says, "whut Mr. H. C. Raynor'd think ef he +knowed 'at yore Uncle Zachary wuz a Persistin' Elder of the Southe'n +Meth'dis' Church fur goin' on twenty yeahs?" + +"Never mind what he thinks now or hereafter," he says. "It's what my +late partner did that counts. Anyhow, you didn't deceive him when you +told him Uncle Zach's nickname." + +"'At did fit in nice," I says; "me rememb'rin', jest in the nick of +time, 'at they called the ole gen'elman Hell Roarin' Zach by reason of +his exhortin' powers w'en 'scribin' them brimstones an' them hot fires +bein' so potent 'at the sinners could smell 'em an' shiver. Well, suh, +tha's all part of my system: Stir a slight seasonin' of truthfulness +into the mixture frum time to time an' it meks the batter stand up +stiffer. An' also don't never waste a good lie widout you has to--save +'em till you needs 'em. Tha's my motto, suh." + +"And I subscribe to it," he says, and he chuckles some more. In fact +he's chuckling right straight along till he gets up from the table. Then +he rears back in a chair and sets a cigar going. He makes me take a +cigar, too, which it is the first time I has ever smoked in a white +gentleman's presence whilst serving him. But this is a special occasion +and more like a jollification than anything else. So I starts puffing on +her when my Young Cap'n insists upon it; and then, at his command, I +just lit in and told him all what had happened at Miss DeWitt's flat +that morning and about a lot of other things--things I'd overheard and +things I'd suspicioned--which it had not seemed fitten to tell 'em to +him before this, but now both time and place appears suitable. + +Talking about one thing leads to talking about another, as it will, and +presently I finds myself confiding to him the expective undertakings of +the firm of Poindexter & Petty, which that is all news out of a clear +sky to him, seeing as I'd kept this to myself as a private matter in the +early stages. He says he'd sort of figured, though, I had something up +my sleeves, by reason of my having seemed so interested in the +moving-picture business and all. And though he don't say so, I judges he +figures out, too, that here lately I maybe has refrained from speaking +to him about my own affairs when he was so pesticated about his +own--which also, more or less, is the truth of it. + +But now he's deeply interested and 'lows he wants to hear more. He +states that while he's sorry on his own account that I is not going back +home with him when he goes, which that will be just as soon as he can +clean up things here and sell off the lease on the apartment and so +forth, still, he says, he's glad for my sake that I'm going to stay on +since I've got bright prospects ahead of me for to break into the +business life of the Great City. Him saying this so kindly inspires me +to go on and tell him all about our plans and purposes. I says that the +outlook is that me and 'Lisses Petty will be ready to open up pretty +soon, seeing as I has had word just two days before from Mr. Simons that +he's almost ready to cut loose with his announcements in the papers. I'm +going on further along this line when all of a sudden he busts in to ask +me what about the old judge coming home in the spring-time from +foreign-off parts and not finding me there to meet him? + +Well, sirs, that do fetch me up short with a jar! Because, if it must be +confessed, I've got to admit I has been so carried away with my own pet +schemes that the thought of my obligations to Judge Priest is done +entirely escaped out of my foolish mind. I hates to draw back from them +new ambitions of mine and yet, seems like, I can't hardly bear the +notion of breaking my bounden promises to my old boss-man after the way +we'd been associated together under the same roof for going on it's +sixteen years. What with the one thing pulling me this here way and the +other thing pulling me that there way, all of a sudden I now gets a kind +of a choked-up feeling in my breast. I don't know whether it's the +wrench at my heart or the strain on my wishbone. But it's there! So I +ups and puts the proposition before the Young Cap'n and I asks what he +thinks I should do? + +He studies a minute and then he says to me, he says: + +"Jeff," he says, "I'll tell you how I feel about it and if, in view of +the lack of judgment I've shown recently in certain other matters, you +still regard my advice as being worth anything, you're welcome to it. +You believe you've got a chance to make good up here, don't you? Well, +then, I believe it's your duty to yourself, regardless of almost every +other consideration, to take advantage of that chance. And I'm positive +Judge Priest will feel the same way about it when he learns the +situation. I believe he'll gladly release you from any obligations you +may owe him. In fact, knowing him so well, I'll bank on it. With your +consent I'll write him tonight, a long letter, setting forth the exact +conditions. How does that strike you." + +I tells him I is agreeable to that. But I says to him, I says: + +"Mr. Dallas, one thing more, please, suh? In yore letter tell the Jedge +'at w'en he gits back, ef he finds the home-place ain't runnin' to suit +him widout me on hand to he'p look after his comfort, w'y all he's got +do is jest lemme know an' I'll ketch the next train fur home. Ef the +bus'ness yere can't run herse'f aw'ile wid 'Lisses Petty alone on the +job by hisse'f, then let the whole she-bang go busted--tha's all. + +"Lis'sen, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I got yit 'nother idee in my haid--I +craves to demerstrate one thing! They's some w'ite folkses w'ich claims +the run of black folks nowadays ain't got no proper sense of gratitudes +nor faithfulness, neither. They claims 'at the new-issue cullid ain't +lak the ole-timers of the race wuz--'at they furgits favors an' bre'ks +pledges an' sometimes turns an' bites the hand w'ich has fed an' fondled +'em. Mebbe they is right--I ain't 'sputin' they ain't, in some cases. +But I is sayin' they is one shiny black nigger jest rearin' to prove the +contrarywise so fur ez he pussonally is concern', w'ich I'm," I says, +"him! + +"An' in fu'ther proof whar'of," I says, "I begs you to mek me a solemn +promise, yere an' now. I asts you, please, suh, to keep yo eye on the +ole boss-man an' ef he sh'd show the onfailin' signs of feeblin'-up an' +bre'kin' down--w'ich is only to be 'spected, seein' ez he is gittin' +'long so in yeahs--I don't want you to wait 'twell he notifies me +hisse'f 'at he's needin' me. 'Cause the chances is he wouldn't do it, +noways, effen he feared it mout mean a sacrifice on my part fur me to +come to him. I wants you to send me the word on yore own 'sponsibility +an' I'll git to his side jest ez fast ez them steam-cyars kin tote me." + +He says he is glad I feels thus-and-so about it and he gladly passes his +word to do like I asked him, if the situation arises. With this here +point settled he guides me back to tell him yet more about the prospects +of Poindexter & Petty. Which I ain't needing much prompting there, +seeing as the said projects lays close to my heart and my mind. I tells +him we has reached the point where we is about to close the deal for the +office. In fact, I says, I has been calculating some on running up-town +to see 'Lisses about that very detail this same afternoon providing he +don't need me round the apartment to do something or other for him. +Whereupon he up and says an astonishing thing: + +"I'll go along with you if you don't mind," he says. "I want to have a +look at this associate of yours and get his views. I'd like to do more +than that if it can be arranged; I'd like to lend my aid in helping to +put this enterprise on its feet--to feel that, in one way or another, I +had a friendly hand in it. I'm your eternal debtor, you know, Jeff." + +"Go 'way frum yere, Mr. Dallas," I says, "an' quit yore foolin'. Whut +bus'ness has you got gittin' yo'se'f mixed in wid a pack of +nigger-rubbage? Whut would the rest of the high-toned folks down home +say ef they heared of any sech goings-on 'pon yore part? Tell me 'at, +suh?" + +"Never mind what they'd think or what they'd say," he says; "that's my +look-out. Tell me the truth now, Jeff,--have you two boys got all the +money you need to start you up and to keep you going until your agency +begins to pay?" + +At that I has to admit to him that the prior expenses has been right +smart heavier than what us two had figured on at the start-off. + +"That's what I rather suspected," he says. "Now then, I've got out of my +own complications in much better shape than I'd ever dreamed I could. I +still have a sizeable stake left. In fact I figure I've got just about a +thousand dollars to spare. If you don't feel like taking a thousand +dollars from me as a gift, or in part payment for your services to me +during the past twenty-odd hours, why not take it as a loan without +interest until you get on your feet, or until you've had ample +opportunity to try this new venture out thoroughly--No, by Jove, I've +got a better plan than that! I want to stick that thousand in as an +investment along with you two boys. If I never get it back, or any part +of it, count it money well-spent. I've made a number of other +investments in my bright young life that didn't pay either, and I'll be +drawing regular dividends on this one, even though they may not be in +terms of dollars and cents. Come on--let's go see this friend, Petty, of +yours. You can't keep me out of the deal on anything short of an +injunction." + +What is you going to do with a hard-headed white man when he gets his +neck bowed that-a-way? You is going to do just what we done, that's +what you going do! So that's how come Poindexter & Petty is now got for +their silent partner a member of one of the oldest families in West +Kentucky and pure quality from the feet up. + +I has come mighty close to forgetting one other thing which happens +before we leaves the place to go on up to Harlem. I is helping him on +with his coat when he says: + +"Wait a minute! I want to write out some telegrams first. I want to send +one to my lawyer, Mr. Jere Fairleigh, stating that the Prodigal will +shortly be on his way back, and one to my cousin to have the home-place +opened up for me--and one other. I've gotten rather behind with my +correspondence lately; I'll do some letter-writing tonight. But I'll +wire on ahead first. You call a messenger-boy, Jeff." + +I trusts I is not no spy but I just can't keep from peeping over his +shoulder whilst he's writing out that there third telegram--which it is +pretty near long enough to be a letter itself--and I is rejoiced in my +soul to note that it's being sent to the one I hoped 'twas--and that's +Miss Henrietta Farrell. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +_Last Words_ + + +Well, I got my Young Cap'n off this morning. I has to admit that I begun +contracting a kind of a let-down feeling in my mind as the time drawed +near for us to say our farewells to one another. You couldn't exactly +call it homesickness nor yet downright sorrowfulness; it was kind of a +mixed sensation, with regretitude and lonesomeness and gladsomeness all +scrambled up together, and running through it, a knowledge that I'm +going to miss him mighty much for awhile, anyhow. I certainly has grown +powerful devoted to him since last summer and I knows full well that, +from his standpoint, he must have similar regards towards me. I reckon +our own kind of folks can appreciate how this attachment could a-sprung +up betwixt us, even if most of these here Northerners can't. + +It must be that my looks more or less betrays my emotions as the parting +time draws closer, because he keeps on speaking cheering utterances to +me about other matters, without mentioning the nearby separation; which +I appreciates the spirit behind his words as much as I does the words +themselves. If I told it to him once at that depot I suppose I must +a-told it to him a dozen times, to give my most respectful regards to +the old boss-man when next he sees him. And he keeps saying to me I must +write regular and keep him posted on everything in general. + +"I's shore countin' on seein' you down home next summer wen I comes down +on a visit," I says; "I's already mekin' my plans 'cordin'ly. Mebbe," I +says, "you mout ketch me sneakin' in even sooner 'en 'at, ef so be this +yere bookin' agency bus'ness teks a notion to blow up on us." + +"I've got a conviction you'll make good," he says. "If the first venture +doesn't pan out I'll trust in you to light on your feet somewhere +else--I've seen you in operation, you know." Then he goes on, speaking +now a little bit wistful-like: "You seem able to figure out a way to +beat this New York game, by playing it according to your own set of +rules. But I couldn't do it--I had it proven to me and the proof cost me +money. I'm through--and ought to be glad of it. You're just starting." + +"Well, suh," I says, "I does my best. The way I looks at this town," I +says, "is this yere way: Jest ez soon ez you gits over bein' daunted-up +by the size of her, the best scheme is to start in lettin' on lak you +knows mo' 'bout 'most ever'thin' 'en whut the folkses does w'ich has +been livin' yere all along. That'll fetch 'em ef anything will, or else +I misses my guess. This is the onliest place I knows of," I says, "whar +a shined-up counterfeit passes muster jest ez well ez the pyure gold, ef +not better, 'specially ef the gold happens to be sort of dulled-down an' +tarnished-lookin'. The very way the town is laid out he'ps to clarify my +p'int, suh," I says. "She's fenced in betwixt a bluff on one side an' a +Sound on the other, an' she's sufferin' frum the effects of her own +joggraphy. Jest combine in yore daily actions the biggest of bluffs an' +the most roarin' of sounds an' she's liable to lay down at yore feet an' +roll over at yore command. Leas'wise," I says, "them's my beliefs." + +"Probably you are right," he says. "Well, Jeff, try not to let these +people up here spoil you and make you fresh and impudent. I don't +believe they will, though." + +"Oh, but you is wrong thar, suh," I says. "I kin tek spilin' ez well ez +the nex' one. Ef they aims to come edgin' 'crost the culler-line in my +direction, I ain't the one to hender 'em. Whut they gives, I'll tek an' +a bit mo'. Ef they ain't had the 'vantage of bein' raised the way you +an' me is, an' wants fur to pamper me all up, I'm goin' to let 'em do +so. Fact is, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I's gittin' pampered already. Lemme +show you somethin', suh, in strictes' confidences--yere's a perfessional +callin'-cyard, w'ich I had a lot of em struck off yistiddy at a +printin'-shop over on Columbus Avenue." And I deals the top one off of +the pack in my vest pocket and hands it over to him. "See whut it sez," +I says. "It sez, 'Col. J. Exeter Poindexter, Esq.'" + +"How did you work that arrangement out?" he says, smiling. + +"Mouty easy-lak," I says. "'Col.' is short for 'cullid', ain't it? So I +jest shortens up 'cullid' into 'Col.' an' switches it frum the caboose +end to the front end. An' I changes my middle name to 'Exeter' w'ich it +has a mo' stylish sound to it 'en whut 'Exodus' had. An' I tacks on the +'Esq.' at the fur endin' to mek it still mo' bindin', lak the button on +a rattle-snake's tail. An' thar you is, suh!" + +"But you are not a colonel--yet," he says. + +"Whut's the diff'unce," I says, "so long ez these yere folkses don't +know no better. They fattens on bein' deceived. An', anyway," I says, "I +aims fur to cultivate the military manner. Mr. Dallas," I says, "don't +mek no mistek 'bout it--I's gittin' fresh already, w'ich it is the +customary custom yere, an' the chances is I'll git still fresher yit. +But it'll be fur Noo Yawk pu'pposes 'sclusively. W'en I meets up wid one +of my own kind of w'ite folks in these parts or w'en I goes back ag'in +amongst my own folks down below the Line, I'll know my place an' my +station an' I'll respec' 'em both; an' I'll be jest the same plain +reg'lar ole J. Poindexter, Cullid, w'ich you alluz has knowed. Please, +suh, tell Jedge Priest 'at fur me, too!" I says. + +The time comes for him to get aboard without he wants to miss his train. +So we says our parting words. I reckons some of them white foreigners +standing there gaping at us can't understand why it is that Mr. Dallas, +and him a Southern-born white gentleman, should throw his arm around my +shoulder at the farewell moment and pat me on the back. But then, of +course, that's due to the ignorance of their raisings and probably they +is not to blame so much after all. + +I will now draw to a close with the above accounts. Writing is a sight +harder work than I thought it would be when I set in to do this +authorizing, and I is not sorry to be shut of the job. Anyway, from now +on, I'm a New York business man, which I counts on it paying better +than writing for a living, if only I've got the right salt for +sprinkling on the Luck-Bird's tail. + +I think I has. + + + + +THE END + + + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Notes: + +No changes have been made to the original document. The following are +documented to clarify the instances where the original book used +variations of words or words spelled in a way to convey the speech +pattern. + +1. Hungry city - possible typo for Hungary City + +2. homestick - possible typo for homesick (used in other places) + +3. Look how they mouty nigh broke they necks fur to usher you in in due +state? - in in - possible typo + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. 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