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diff --git a/36038.txt b/36038.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..867cc6c --- /dev/null +++ b/36038.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1659 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fiscal Ballads, by Harry Graham + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fiscal Ballads + +Author: Harry Graham + +Release Date: May 5, 2011 [EBook #36038] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FISCAL BALLADS *** + + + + +Produced by Mark C. Orton, David E. Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +FISCAL BALLADS + + + + + FISCAL BALLADS + + BY + + HARRY GRAHAM + + ('COL. D. STREAMER') + + AUTHOR OF + "BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR," "RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS + HOMES," "PERVERTED PROVERBS," "MISREPRESENTATIVE + MEN," ETC., ETC. + + LONDON + EDWARD ARNOLD + 41 & 43 MADDOX STREET, BOND STREET, W. + + 1905 + + [_All rights reserved_] + + + + + TO + P. L. + + + Beneath your roof I chanced to write + These Ballads of the Fiscal Fight, + A somewhat scant selection; + So do not deem me indiscreet + If I should 'dump' them at your feet, + And ask for your Protection! + Whate'er you be, or Fair or Free, + Be still, as ever, fair--to me! + + + + +NOTE + + +Many of these 'Fiscal Ballads' have appeared in the columns of the +_Westminster Gazette_, and are here republished by permission. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + + FOREWORD 1 + + PROTECTION 4 + + RETALIATION 8 + + THE COLONIES 12 + + PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT 17 + + BRITISH TRADE 22 + + CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT 28 + + 'STATISTICS' 33 + + 'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS' 39 + + A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR 42 + + THE TURNING TIDE 45 + + ENVOI 49 + + + + +FISCAL BALLADS + + + + +FOREWORD + + + I'm only a common workin'-man, + With a eye to my vittles an' beer, + But afore I puts my money on Joe, + There's a thing or two as I'd like to know, + Which 'e 'asn't a-made quite clear. + + I admit as it sounds attractive-like + For to shut them furriners out, + But every Board School nipper knows + As there's things wot only a furriner grows + As we couldn't well do without. + + There's sugar, an' rice, an' cocoa-nibs, + There's cawfy an' tea as well, + As we never could raise, suppose we tried, + And we _'as_ to buy 'em somewheres outside, + And the furriners 'as to sell. + + But they don't give nothin' for nothink-- + Which you can't dispute the fac'-- + An' we're sending 'em hevery bit as much + Of our cotton-goods, an' our coal, an' such, + As 'll pay the beggars back. + + An' the less we buys o' them furrin goods, + The less of our own's returned; + Which it's plain to see as the more they take, + The more our firms 'as a chance to make, + An' the 'igher the wages earned. + + For it's British Labour as pays the price + O' them goods as crosses the sea, + An' suppose as the furrin imports fail, + It's the case of a empty dinner-pail + For the workin'-man like me. + + Let the furriner send 'is foodstuffs in-- + Lor' bless you, I ain't afraid! + For the more we markets with other lands, + The more employment for British 'ands, + An' the better for British trade! + + I 'asn't no love for the German man, + Nor yet for the 'eathen Turk, + But I ain't a fool as 'll shut the door + In the face of even a blooming Boer, + If the beggar can give me work. + + For it's work I wants, an' it's wages too, + An' I'm lookin' afore I leap; + I won't go chucking a job away, + On the chance of a possible rise o' pay, + While food's to be 'ad so cheap. + + I'm only a workin' artisan, + But the truth I'd like to know; + I ain't for takin' no risks, myself, + Of a empty grate an' a empty shelf-- + No, thanks, sir, not for Joe! + + 'E says as 'e'll 'sweep the Country'! + And 'e'll do it too, maybe; + If the workin'-men don't 'ave a care, + They'll find as there ain't no Country there, + When 'e's swep' it--into the sea! + + + + +PROTECTION + + + I've got the dumpophobia bad, + As is easy for to see; + (When a little lad I was bit by a mad + Manufacturin' man, maybe!) + An' I simply goes clean off my chump + If anyone 'appens to mention 'dump.' + + For it's 'Out wi' they furriner folks!' sez I; + Will we take it 'lying down,' + When they dumps cheap goods (as we wants to buy) + Into every British town? + (Tho' per'aps it's a thing as they wouldn't do + If we 'adn't a-given 'em orders to!) + + But there's good times coming, an' thanks to Joe, + When the Hempire 'll stand on 'er own; + We'll be quit o' the food them furriners grow, + An' rely on ourselves alone. + For us, an' the Colonies too, I lay, + Can grow it as good an' better'n they! + + We're a British race, an' we'll soon depend + On the produc's o' British soil; + No more of our 'ard-earned wage we'll spend + Upon cheap American oil; + Them dazzlin' lamps is a big mistake, + While there's tallow candles o' British make! + + We've the finest coal in the 'ole wide earth, + Which we used for to sell abroad; + But now as we knows 'ow much it's worth, + We'll save it, an' 'old it, an' 'oard. + (Tho' the pitmen 'll 'ave a word to say + When the mines shuts down an' they're turned away!) + + No more o' the Roosian's corn we'll touch, + Nor the South American wheat; + An' we'll gladly pay, if it's twice as much, + To 'ave _British_ loaves to eat! + (For the English working-man, these days, + 'E must learn for to live on Colonial maize.) + + If there's less to eat it'll taste more sweet, + When the Britishers all combine; + We'll 'ave tinned an' frozen Noo Zealand meat, + Washed down with Australian wine! + (Which it ain't so terrible bad to drink, + If you fancies honions mixed with ink.) + + No more o' your Roosian sable cloaks + For the gentry, nor Paris 'ats; + They're buying their bunnets at Sevenoaks, + An' the trimmin's is 'Ounsditch cats; + An' that furrin' jewelry's just a sham, + They can sell you as good in Birming'_am_. + + Them Italian organs 'll 'ave to go, + An' the ice-cream barrers as well, + When we're buying a 'alfpenny glass o' snow + From some smart Canadian swell. + An' no more o' your music from Germanee, + When our motto is 'Bands acrost the sea!' + + When the furriner's foodstuffs out we shuts, + We'll still 'ave the run of our teeth + On the cocoa we makes off o' cocoanuts + As they grows upon 'Ampstead 'Eath! + An' o' British pluck we can surely brag, + When we're smoking the 'omegrown Irish shag! + + We're a-buyin' our food too cheap, sez Joe + (If you listens to 'is advice); + The cost o' the loaf's too small, an' so + 'E's a-trying to raise the price! + + * * * * * + + This 'ere Pertection's a splendid plan-- + But it's werry 'ard lines on the workin'-man! + + + + +RETALIATION + + + I've 'ad a quarrel with 'Enery Slade, + 'Oo keeps our only village inn; + 'E said as 'is shoes was badly made, + An' I said as 'is 'alf-an'-'alf was thin. + 'No more o' _your_ boots I'll buy,' sez 'e, + 'An' no more o' _your_ beer,' sez I, 'for me!' + + Nex' time as 'is shoes was out o' repair, + 'E took 'em to Lunnon, 'Enery did; + An' wot wi' the bill an' the railway fare, + Why, it cost 'im werry near 'alf a quid. + If 'e'd stayed at 'ome an' give _me_ the job, + 'E wouldn't 'a paid but a couple o' bob! + + Now, tinkering boots is a thirsty trade, + Which them as 'as tried it won't deny, + But I wouldn't get beer orf o' 'Enery Slade, + An' there wasn't no other's as I could buy; + An' so, for a month very near, I think, + I was starving a'most for the lack of a drink. + + But at last to a comperimize we come, + An' 'e said as my boots was right enough, + An' I told 'im--arter I'd tasted some-- + As 'is beer wasn't really 'alf bad stuff; + So we both shakes 'ands on the village green, + An' we seed what a couple o' fools we'd been. + + But there wasn't no good come out o' the fight, + An' we're both worse off than we was before; + Tho' I sits in 'is private bar of a night, + An' 'e gives me 'is shoes to mend once more; + For Slade's lost 'is temper, an' eight bob clear, + An' I'll _never_ catch up wi' that three weeks' beer! + + Now if England quarrels with Roosia, say, + Or them aggrannoying United States, + She can tax their imports, an' make 'em pay + More 'eavier dooties an' 'igher rates; + But suppose as we taxes the goods they sell, + It's likely as they'll tax ours as well. + + An' o' manufactured goods, an' such, + We're sendin' three times as much as they; + So I can't see as 'ow we'll be gaining much, + With a three times 'eavier tax to pay. + (It's a game as two can play, you see, + An' they'll be a-suffering less than we!) + + For the balance o' goods as they sells to us + Is the corn, an' the grain, an' the foods we eat; + An' it's likely the working class 'll cuss + If we levies a tax on the furrin wheat, + Which 'll merely fall on the poor man's 'ead, + By a-raising the price of 'is loaf o' bread. + + This Retaliation's a tom-fool game; + If we taxes the furriner's barley 'ere, + We shall only be 'aving ourselves to blame + When we 'as to pay more for our dinner-beer! + Free Food is the best for British Trade, + --An' for you, an' for me, an' for 'Enery Slade! + + + + +THE COLONIES + + + I've been 'earing, round the pubs, + As the British Lion's cubs + Is a gettin' out of 'and, and stubborn-'earted; + For the Colonies, they say, + Is a driftin' right away, + From the Motherland wot seed 'em safely started. + But it's only Little Englanders, Protectionists, an' such, + Keeps a-'owling an' a-crying as the Empire's 'out o' touch.' + + There was Canada, I know; + Kipling said as she 'ad snow, + Which (o' course) was met with angry contradictions; + Then Haustralia come next, + An' one Guv'nor found a text + To remind 'em of their ancestors' convictions. + It's unfortunit, but still we must admit it for a fact, + As we Englishmen is hev'rvwhere notorious for tact. + + But wotever folks may shout + An' make grievances about, + There's uncommon little grounds as they can go on; + For the strength o' Hempire lies + More in sentimental ties + Than in any 'business interests' an' so on; + An' there's feelings of affection an' o' kindness as is worth + Twice as much as all them there 'commercial interests' on earth. + + An' our Colonies 'll stand + By the good ole Motherland, + Tho' she may per'aps at times be rather trying; + For they knows as well as we + That there's nowheres 'alf so free + As them countries where the British flag's a-flying. + An' with kindly eyes they looks acrost (wot poets calls) the foam + To that distant little island as they still considers ''ome.' + + An' they'll stick, if they are wise, + To them sentimental ties-- + Never mind if they can't value 'em in dollars; + For they're independent blokes, + An' they wouldn't stand no yokes, + Nor they doesn't 'old with wearin' chains an' collars. + (Even dawgs an' such 'll love you more, I've not the slightest doubt, + If you turns 'em loose, an' keeps 'em free, an' lets 'em run about.) + + If them Colonies _did_ drift, + For theirselves they'd 'ave to shift-- + It's a case o' 'stand alone' or 'annexation'; + Tho' their lads is sterling stuff, + Still, they're 'ardly big enough + For to 'old their own agin' some furrin nation; + An' their armies o' militia-men is hexcellent--but small, + While o' navies to defend their coasts they 'asn't none at all! + + Yes, they knows, as well as we, + As it's Hengland rules the sea,-- + (Tho' per'aps it ain't for me to go and say it!)-- + An' it's Henglishmen as pays + For the Navy, nowadays,-- + (Any'ow it ain't Canadians as pay it!)-- + So they gives to us the priv'lege of defendin' of 'em 'ere, + If we lets 'em run their own concerns an' doesn't interfere. + + We've a market, as they knows, + For the produce wot they grows, + Which commercially's a quite sufficient fetter; + An' so long as they can trade + At the present prices paid, + Why, they don't want nothink easier nor better. + An' a preference won't make 'em no more loyal than before, + For they've proved their bloomin' loyalty a 'undred times and more. + + If we likes to pay 'em 'igh + For their foodstuffs as we buy, + Well, it's natural as 'ow they must applaud it; + But they wants no preference + At the Motherland's expense, + If she ain't in no position to afford it; + An' they knows, as well as we do, 'ow that any bounties paid + Must be 'ard on British workin'-men, an' bad for British trade. + + For they showed us, in the war, + They was loyal to the core, + An' they're ready for to 'elp us when we flounders; + An' tho' 'ere and there, per'aps, + There's some discontented chaps, + As 'll grumble, like them there Alaskan Bounders; + Still, they're British to the backbone when the dawgs o' war is loosed, + An' they'll stick by Mother England till the cows comes 'ome to roost! + + + + +PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT + + + We was always a hintimate family, + An' we doted on one another; + I was genuine fond o' my Uncle Fred, + And o' Cousin Jim I've a-often said + 'E was more like my own born brother; + An' a feeling of 'earty affection I 'ad + For Kate, wot 'ad married my eldest lad. + + Now, my Uncle Fred keeps the 'Dumpshire Arms,' + An' Jim's in the grocery trade; + While Kate 'as a little front-window shop, + Where she sells stone-bottles o' ginger-pop + An' sweets as is all 'ome-made; + And _I_ earns enough for my board an' booze, + A-makin' an' mendin' o' boots an' shoes. + + Last winter it were, when times was bad, + That Jim 'ad a 'appy thought; + 'Ow fine it'd be if we'd all agree + On a kind of a mutual trade, sez 'e, + For our things as we sold an' bought; + We'd 'elp one another (which sounded nice), + An' be getting our goods at a lower price. + + I'd tinker the boots o' the family cheap, + An' get 'ome on my uncle's beer, + Nor I wouldn't be 'avin' to strain my means + A-buying expensive pertaters an' greens + Orf o' Cousin Jim, no fear! + An' for luxuries, such as the missus eats, + I could get 'em 'alf-price orf o' Katie's sweets. + + But it didn't work. For my Uncle Fred + 'E treated me crool unfair; + I sold 'im some shoes, starvation price, + But I 'adn't a-tasted 'is beer but twice + When 'e said as I'd drunk my share! + Then I mended a couple o' pairs o' Kate's-- + But sweets is a thing as the missus 'ates. + + Tho' for Cousin Jimmy I took an' made + A set o' new 'eels and soles, + I was paying for greens at a 'igher rate + Than 'e charged to my Uncle Fred, or to Kate, + An' 'is cheeses was full of 'oles! + ('E was getting 'is liquor 'alf-price, no doubt, + While _I_ 'ad to bally well go without!) + + Now, I 'aven't spoke to my Uncle Fred + For nigh on six months or more, + An' I've ceased to 'ave dealings with Cousin Jim + (For at 'eart I'd a-often suspected 'im), + An' I never won't darken 'is door; + An' I've 'ad quite enough o' that rubbish o' Kate's, + Wot was always the kind of a woman I 'ates. + + Yes, family ties is a splendid thing + If it's _sentiment_ keeps 'em there; + When it comes to a question o' gold and gain, + They turns at once to a hirksome chain, + Such as nobody wants to wear; + When matters of money appears on the floor, + Them family feelings walks out at the door! + + If England's a-going to 'aggle an' fight + For Colonial Preference, + If the love of 'er sons for the Motherland + Is a kind of a feeling as only can stand + On a basis o' shillings an' pence, + That sort o' foundation won't last overlong, + An' there's something, I lay, must be 'opelessly wrong. + + When the Colonies 'eld out their 'ands to us, + It wasn't for British gold; + But who 'll vouch for the love o' the Britisher-born, + When 'e bargains 'is honour for tariffs on corn, + An' 'is loyalty's bartered an' sold? + (A 'appy 'armonious fam'ly we'll make, + A-arguing who shall 'ave most o' the cake!) + + We shall 'ave them Australian Governments + A-striking for better terms, + An' there's sure to be plenty o' grumbling when + The Canadian manufacturing men + Is competing wi' Henglish firms; + An' each separate part o' the Hempire 'll feel + As the others is 'aving the best o' the deal. + + From which, if you follows my meaning through, + There's a obvious moral to draw: + Let's consider the Motherland's future, afore + We allows 'er to risk being Mother no more, + An' becoming the Mother-in-law! + For if loyalty's paid for, it ain't worth a thought, + An' affection's a fraud if it 'as to be bought. + + + + +BRITISH TRADE + + + Oh, why was I born a English lad, + In a island all shut in by sea? + Wot a much better chance I might 'ave 'ad + If I'd only been 'made in Germanee'! + Oh, why was I thus unwilling 'urled + On the blooming 'dust-'eap o' the world.' + + No doubt as the German artisan + Don't get very much in the matter o' pay; + But 'e works on the seven-days-weekly plan, + With a haverage thirteen hours a day. + An' 'e 'asn't no time for to sit an' think, + Nor money enough to take to drink! + + Then give me a permanent German job, + With nothink at all but work to do; + With weekly wages o' sixteen bob, + For to keep myself an' the missus too; + A-makin' them gimcrack German toys + For poor little English gals an' boys. + + To my London 'ome I'll say good-bye, + For I 'asn't no use for a open port, + Where the workin' wage is a deal too 'igh, + An' the workin' hours is far too short; + Where a workin'-man 'as time to sleep, + An' food's to be 'ad so rotten cheap. + + A German factory's more my taste, + With none o' them lazy English ways, + Where there ain't no money or time to waste + On ridic'lous 'beanos' an' 'olidays; + An' the workin' classes can just contrive + To earn sufficient to keep alive. + + When I slaves all day at a German trade, + A-makin' them goods as they dumps down 'ere, + When I'm overworked an' I'm underpaid, + Till I feels as weak as that German beer, + I'll think o' my English 'ome maybe, + Where everythink (but the drinks) is free! + + When I gets back 'ome of a Sunday night, + With a supper o' nice black bread to eat, + I'll 'ave such a 'ealthy appetite, + I never won't need no butcher's meat; + For 'unger, o' course, is the finest sauce, + When you're swollerin' sausages made of 'orse! + + An' I begs to state, when I comes 'ome late, + With a 'ungry kind of a look in my eye, + If I 'as to wait, with a hempty plate, + Till the blooming cat's-meat-man comes by, + I'll think wi' scorn o' the old 'dust-'eap,' + Where mutton an' beef's to be bought so cheap. + + For we don't know nothink o' 'orse-flesh 'ere, + But Joe 'e'll learn us to eat it, when + 'Is tariff makes British meat too dear + For the pockets o' British workin' men; + An' they're 'aving their Little Marys lined + With a diet o' maize an' bacon rind! + + When the price goes up of our meat and bread, + By a grand Imperial scheme o' Joe's, + We'll get cheap sugar and tea instead, + An' we'll buy no food orf o' Britain's foes; + For we'll 'ave no need o' the furriner's crops + When we're living on sweets washed down wi' slops! + + There's lessons to learn from German trade, + In spite o' this foolish fiscal fuss; + Tho' their peoples ain't no better paid, + Nor near as well orf for food as us; + For, wotever the German workman's lot, + 'E knows 'ow to use wot brains 'e's got! + + An' if _our_ employers 'd only learn + A few o' they furrin commercial ways, + To make the business their first concern, + An' not be so set upon 'olidays, + They wouldn't be always a-'urrying orf, + For the sake of a afternoon at gorf! + + With the wants o' the trade they'd keep in touch, + An' 'd sometimes stay at the orfice late; + If their business methods ain't up to much, + They, at any rate, could be up-to-date! + For there isn't no need of a fiscal fence, + If you've henergy coupled wi' common-sense! + + We English ain't a-doing our best, + An' that's the reason we loses ground; + It's time as we took more interest, + An' the chance 'as come to buck-up all round. + No need for to put it in doggerel rhymes, + To see as we're right be'ind the times. + + For it's Heducation we wants, that's all, + To make us the country we ought to be. + If we rides for a fall at a tariff wall, + We'll very soon find ourselves at sea. + (Which the simile's somewot mixed, you'll say, + But the meanin's clear as the open day!) + + Then 'ere's a 'ealth to the Motherland, + For all as they says she's goin' to pot; + Ole England's 'wooden walls' 'll stand + When the fiscal fences is all forgot! + An' she'll 'old 'er own, by land or sea, + So long as 'er sons an' 'er trade is free! + + + + +CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT + + + On Saturdays I often goes + An' spends a evenin' in the pit + At one of them vari'ty shows, + An' makes a 'appy night of it; + But since this fiscal row begun, + I've 'ad to look elsewheres for fun. + + I'm partial to a music-'all, + But when last week I chanced to go, + I 'eard some low-necked blighter bawl + A Jingo song in praise o' Joe; + 'No more will England,' sez this crank, + 'Trade with the German an' the Yank!' + + At furrin countries, o'er the sea, + A lot o' silly jeers 'e 'urled; + Thinks I, where would ole England be + Without the market o' the world? + We'd make a living, I suppose, + A washin' of each other's clo's! + + Nex' come the cinematograph, + An' Joe, I needn't say, was there; + A picture of 'is upper 'alf, + A-settin' smilin' in a chair. + (There's no photographer in town + Would dare to 'take _'im_ lying down!') + + Then a play-actress come along, + A saucy bunnet on 'er 'ead; + She didn't sing no fiscal song, + She spoke a fiscal pome instead. + 'These is,' she 'astened to explain, + 'The words o' Joseph Chamberlain!' + + I 'eard that Yankee lady's rhyme, + An' then I took my coat an' 'at; + I've read some drivel in my time, + But nothink quite so bad as that. + (She was a Himport, I suppose, + Dumped down by foes o' poor ole Joe's!) + + I took the kids to Drury Lane, + An' 'eard a lion comic sing + A song as told us once again + To keep 'Protecting' hev'rything. + Thinks I, 'ullo! but if that's so, + Can't we protect ourselves from Joe? + + I ain't bad-tempered, 'Eaven knows; + A peaceful life is wot I'd choose; + If people likes this scheme o' Joe's, + They're more than welcome to their views; + They loves dear food, I've not a doubt, + An' any'ow that's their look-out. + + But when I seeks the gall'ry door + At one of them there public shows, + I doesn't pay a bob or more + To 'ear about this plan o' Joe's; + I simply wants to get away + From controversies of the day. + + We 'as enough o' argument + At 'ome, on 'bus-top, tube, or train; + An' most on us 'll be content + If 'entertainments' entertain; + But Joe's as bad as the perlice, + 'E won't give no one any peace. + + An' seems to me, as plain as day, + It's actors' business to amuse; + If they can't no'ow keep away + From giving us their fiscal views, + Why should the public be denied + A chance to 'ear the other side? + + I 'opes it won't be very long + Afore George Robey lets us 'ear + A really fust-class fiscal song + Wrote by the Dook o' Devonsheer; + While on the biograph we sees + Them comic cuts o' F.C.G.'s. + + If Ruddy Kipling would but write + A Free Trade ballad, or a glee, + Which Arthur Roberts could recite, + Or Dunville sing with Mr. Tree, + I'd pay my money at the door, + Nor wouldn't ask for nothin' more. + + But while the music-'alls descend + To nothing but Protection 'turns,' + There's other better ways to spend + The little money that I earns. + I only asks to see fair-play, + An', failin' that, I'll stop away. + + + + +'STATISTICS' + + + I likes my glass of 'arf-an'-'arf, + Nor needn't make no bones about it; + But still I ain't the bloke to chaff + Them fellers as can do without it; + I pities 'em, but I respex + Toteetallers o' heither sex. + + I used to be the same myself, + Would never touch a thing but water, + Nor 'ave no bottles on my shelf + Containin' wot they didn't oughter. + (O' water now I 'ates the sight, + Except to wash in, Sunday night). + + An' wot cured me o' temperance + Was neither tracts nor indigestion, + But simply that I read, by chance, + Some dry statistics on the question, + Which proved to me, beyond a doubt, + That lamps as wasn't oiled went out! + + In them dark moments o' the war-- + Of Nineteen 'Undred now I'm writing-- + My country raised a mounted corps, + As seed a deal o' gallant fighting; + An' nigh a third of all that lot + Was touched by fever, shell or shot. + + Of the toteetallers as went, + Wot boasted o' their sober 'abits, + As much as _thirty-five per cent._ + Took fever bad, an' died like rabbits; + While, out o' them as liquored free, + We didn't lose but twenty-three! + + When them statistics first I 'eard, + Nobody could 'a hacted quicker; + I 'urried to the 'George the Third,' + An' simply dosed myself wi' liquor. + (Since then a many 'armless orgies + I've 'ad wi' them there Royal Georges.) + + An' only yesterday I 'ears + The state o' things as 'ad existed: + O' them _toteetal_ volunteers + There wasn't only _three_ enlisted! + When _one_ fell sick, an' orf 'e went, + 'E made that Thirty-five per cent.! + + Yes, figures proves you hanythink, + To suit your private way o' thinking, + They proves the blessedness o' drink, + Or else they proves the curse o' drinking; + An', if you manages 'em right, + They proves a'most that black is white! + + They proves that British Industries + Is being ruined by the 'dumper'; + They proves this year (as ever is) + To be wot people calls a 'bumper.' + An' when on exports they begin, + Lor! wot a muddle they gets in! + + They proves as 'ow the iron trade + Is prosperous (or else declining); + That more (or less) was never made + By them as is engaged in mining. + (We gets a varied mental meal + Served up to us on plates o' steel!) + + They proves, without the slightest doubt, + Our manufacturies is growin'; + They proves we're being quite cut out, + Or else that our 'ome trade's a-goin'. + (In which, per'aps, they ain't so wrong-- + It _is_ a-goin', goin' strong!) + + But there's some undisputed fac's-- + An' even figures won't gainsay it: + One is, if you puts on a tax, + Someone or other _'as_ to pay it. + ('We'll tax the poor man's corn,' says Joe; + 'But touch 'is bread? Oh dear me, no!') + + If England needs our pounds an' pence, + An' taxes of our food to raise 'em, + It don't require much common-sense + To see as the consumer pays 'em; + The thing I'm anxious for to learn + Is wot does _'e_ get in return? + + When prices they goes up a bit, + The rich exchequer of the nation + Is bound in honour to remit + Somethink by way o' compensation. + (Tho', all the same, I'd like to see + The bloke as talks of _tea_ to _me_!) + + An' that's a ticklish game to win; + We'll stay exactly where we are if + Them blooming furrin goods comes in, + In spite of our protective tariff! + 'Ha! but we'll keep 'em out,' sez you. + Then where's our promised revenoo? + + If that's the price as must be paid + To forward Joe's Imperial mission; + If we must bolster up our trade, + An' not allow no competition, + By taxing them as 'as to buy, + 'Gawd 'elp our British trade!' sez I. + + + + +'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS' + + + It doesn't matter if I goes + Inside our local Workman's Club + To 'ave a game o' dominoes, + Or drops into the nearest pub; + In 'arf a moment in 'll walk + Some bloke as starts a fiscal talk. + + An' if I ever tries, per'aps, + To criticise this scheme o' Joe's, + There's always some excited chaps + As leads from arguments to blows. + An' then we throws the things about, + Till someone calls the chucker-out. + + They states that England's gone to pot, + That ev'ry trade is lost to 'er; + An' if I dares to say it's not, + They calls me 'Little Englander'! + (On one I 'ad to use my fist: + 'E said I was a 'hoptimist.') + + Nor yet it ain't no furrin foes + As thus belittles Britain's fame; + It's partisans o' good old Joe's + As brings discredit on 'er name, + By shouting out to ev'ryone + That little England's day is done. + + One night Jim Adams sez to me, + 'Ole England's rotten to the core!' + An' when 'e finds I don't agree, + 'E ups an' calls me a pro-Boer! + (I 'ad a word or two with 'im; + 'E's still in 'orspital, is Jim!) + + If them so-called Imperialists + Is blokes as runs their country down, + Upon 'er ruined state insists, + An' tries to blacken 'er renown, + Then I for one 'ud much prefer + To be a 'Little Englander.' + + If wot their politicians styles + The 'patriotic' point of view + Is saying that these British Isles + 'As lost their trade an' credit too, + I ain't a patriot no more: + I'm just a hoptimist pro-Boer! + + I'm not the sort o' chap as blames + Them folks as don't agree wi' me, + But when they calls me silly names + Because my fiscal views is Free, + It don't require no further flaws + To see the weakness o' their cause. + + + + +A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR + + + Altho' my brain is sound and well, + An' mentally I've nothing wrong, + They've locked me in a padded cell, + An' watches me the 'ole day long; + 'Ow did I get in such a fix? + 'Twas all along o' politics. + + I'd studied Joe's Protection plan, + An' thought I'd see what I could do + To benefit my fellow-man + By practisin' 'is 'opeful view + That Exports is the all in all, + And Himports should be nil--or small. + + So, when I stayed with Uncle Bill + (My visit ain't improved 'is manners), + I managed, when I left, to fill + My pockets with 'is best 'Avannahs; + The cigarettes I left be'ind + Was quite the cheapest I could find. + + Yet Uncle Bill 'e couldn't see + That since 'is Exports far exceeded + 'Is Himports--thanks, o' course, to me-- + That was exactly what he needed + To make 'im prosperous again; + 'E merely said I was insane! + + 'E couldn't understand, wot's more, + ('E was a Cobdenite, an' still is), + Why, when I traded at the door + 'Is hovercoat for Weary Willie's, + 'E, not the tramp, 'ad been the gainer; + And yet--could anythink be plainer? + + One day a foreign merchant fleet + Was anchored orf a British pier; + The cargo, mostly Russian wheat, + Designed for himportation 'ere; + True to my principles, that night + I blew it up with dynamite. + + * * * * * + + The jury was a set o' twelve + Old fossils o' the Asquith school; + The judge was one they ought to shelve; + My counsel was a bloomin' fool; + 'E talked o' my 'disordered brain,' + An' never mentioned Chamberlain! + + So now they've sent me to a spot + Congenial to my fiscal notions, + Which, as I needn't say, is not + The same as Devonsheer's or Goschen's. + But I'm not mad, I must insist: + I'm merely a Protectionist! + + + + +THE TURNING TIDE + + + Jim 'Icks was a Tory, ten years back; + An' 'e cheered at each Tory win. + An' 'e'd stand an' argue as white was black, + For to 'elp them Tories in. + But times (an' parties) is changed since then, + An' 'e's wishful to 'elp 'em out agen. + + 'Rat!' sez you? Maybe that's true. + Nor 'e ain't the only one + As 'eard wot them Tories _said_ they'd do, + An' as seed wot them Tories _done_; + An' 'e don't feel noways bound, don't Jim, + To blokes as 'as broke their word with 'im. + + 'E nursed 'is party a many a year, + An' 'e swollered their party tricks. + Just draw up a cheer to the fire, an' 'ear + Wot they promised the likes of 'Icks. + An' I'll tell you arterwards, if I can, + Wot the Tories _done_ for the workin'-man. + + * * * * * + + Chamberlain, 'e was the fust to speak,-- + An', o' course, 'e spoke cocksure,-- + Of a pension of 'arf a crown a week + For the old, 'ard-workin' poor. + (An' many a cap was raised to Joe, + When 'e made that promise, ten year ago.) + + Balfour nex' to the 'ustings comes, + With a scheme for to 'elp improve + Them dwellin'-'ouses in crowded slums, + Where there warn't no room to move. + (An' many a 'ope was kep' alive + By the thought o' that promise o' '95.) + + Then come a plan for to keep away + Them furriners orf our shores; + We 'asn't no use for the likes o' they, + Wi' the crowds at our poor-'ouse doors. + (But our English workmen is still denied, + An' our English waiters can wait--outside!) + + * * * * * + + Ten year ago, that were. To-day + Such schemes is a trifle flat. + 'Twas Election-time, as I needn't say, + When they promised the likes o' that. + An' our Unemployed in their thousands swarm, + An' our Poor Law waits for the pledged Reform. + + Ten year ago, that were; an' yet + We're a-watchin', with 'opeless eye, + Our slum-choked women-folk starve an' sweat, + An' our stunted children die. + An' late an' early, early an' late, + The old men waits at the work'us gate. + + I wouldn't be 'ard on them Tory chaps-- + No doubt as they done their best; + But I can't 'elp thinkin' some'ow, per'aps, + They'd be none the worst of a rest. + That 'undred majority makes 'em slow, + Let alone all the trouble they've 'ad with Joe. + + It's easy to sneer when you once begins, + An' it's easy to badger an' blame; + When the 'ins' is 'outs,' and the 'outs' is 'ins,' + Very like they'll be just the same! + No better, per'aps, but at least no wuss; + An' they can't very well do _less_ for us! + + Wot can this Guv'ment show to-day + But them promises throwed aside? + An' a country's confidence washed away + On the ebb of a Tory tide? + + * * * * * + + Ten long years since they fust began! + Ten good years for to plot an' plan! + An' wot 'a they done for the workin'-man? + + + + +ENVOI + + + PROTECTIONIST! (if you exist) + Whose sympathies I can't enlist, + Be sparing of your curses! + Ah, don't abuse my Fiscal VIEWS, + But, out of pity for the Muse, + Look only at my VERSES! + + FREE TRADER, too, I beg of you, + Whatever else you think or do, + My lack of skill excuse. Ah! + No doubt my VERSE could not be worse, + And weak the rhymes that I rehearse; + But, then, how sound my VIEWS are! + + (Thus may I strengthen--or convert, + And no one's feelings need be hurt!) + + +BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + RUTHLESS RHYMES + FOR + HEARTLESS HOMES, + + By COL. D. STREAMER. + + ILLUSTRATED BY 'G. H.' + + Oblong 4to. 3s. 6d. + + 'It is impossible not to be amused by some of the "Ruthless + Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, nor can + anyone with a sense of humour fail to appreciate the many amusing + points in the illustrations.'--_Westminster Budget._ + + '"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" is the name of a really + charming little book of rhymes. The words are by Colonel D. + Streamer, and the illustrations by "G. H.," and 'tis hard to say + whether words or pictures are the cleverer.... The book is one + which must, however, be seen to be appreciated; to properly + describe it is impossible.'--_Calcutta Englishman._ + + 'Wise parents will, however, keep strictly to themselves + "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Col. D. Streamer. The + illustrations, by "G. H." are very amusing, and especially happy + is that to "Equanimity," when + + "Aunt Jane observed the second time + She tumbled off a 'bus, + 'The step is short from the sublime + To the ridiculous.'"' + + --_Daily Telegraph._ + + 'Another charming whimsicality published by Mr. Edward Arnold is + "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, + illustrated by "G. H."'--_Sydney Morning Herald._ + + 'The veriest nonsense, possessing the quality that makes it akin + to Carroll's work.'--_New York Bookworm._ + + 'It is difficult to see the humour of-- + + "Philip, foozling with his cleek, + Drove his ball through Helen's cheek. + Sad they bore her corpse away, + Seven up and six to play."' + + --_The Scotsman._ + + LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43 MADDOX ST., W. + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + BALLADS OF THE BOER + WAR. + + Fcap. 8vo., buckram. 3s. 6d. net. + + LONDON: GRANT RICHARDS. + + (_Second Edition._) + + 'There is unquestionably a good deal of human nature in the book, + and as an expression of sentiments which have remained hitherto + inarticulate, as a revelation not always edifying, but often + illuminating, of the heart of the man in the ranks, this little + volume is a distinct addition to the literature of the + war.'--_Spectator._ + + 'Racy expressions of Tommy Atkins' feelings in Tommy Atkins' + language.... "Coldstreamer's" verses in their kind are as good as + any we have seen.'--_Academy._ + + 'These colloquial rhymes express the private soldier's views in + his own language.'--_The Times._ + + 'These racy ballads make a book which many will read with + interest and sympathy.'--_Scotsman._ + + 'As good as anything yet done in the vernacular of Mr. Thomas + Atkins. A book for every friend of the army.'--_Outlook._ + + 'Vigorous Kiplingesque verses, with sound common-sense and + genuine feeling. Well worth reading and buying.'--_To-day._ + + 'One of the liveliest books of light verse we have come across + for a long time. "Coldstreamer's" verses are always + distinctive.'--_County Gentleman._ + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN. + + ILLUSTRATED BY F. STROTHMAN. + + NEW YORK: FOX, DUFFIELD AND CO. + + (_Second Edition._) + + OPINIONS OF THE AMERICAN PRESS. + + 'One of the most amusing books of the year. Mr. Graham is a + fluent and ingenious rhymester, with an alert mind and a + well-controlled sense of humour.'--_The Times_ (New York). + + '"Misrepresentative Men" shows so high-spirited a mastery of + words and metre (the result, we take it, of laborious days) that + it will be read with pleasure by the most fastidious lover of + what is amusing.'--_The Nation_ (New York). + + 'Mr. Graham's verses are exceedingly clever, and Mr. Strothman's + illustrations add to their cleverness.'--_The Bookman_ (New + York). + + 'A very amusing little book, by that cleverly humorous versifier + "Col. D. Streamer," whose "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" + has had such a deserved vogue.'--_Town Topics_ (New York). + + 'The most amusing biographical caricatures of celebrities that we + have read for a long time. There is not a dull line in the entire + collection.'--_The Bookseller_ (New York). + + 'These satirical verses have the same ingenious humour as the + writer's previous rhymes. The book is altogether + refreshing.'--_Town and Country_ (New York). + + 'The hit of the season.'--_The Lexington Herald._ + + 'A most attractively humorous work.'--_The Pittsburg Despatch._ + + 'A little book of really clever verse.'--_The Milwaukee + Sentinel._ + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + PERVERTED PROVERBS. + + THE BABY'S BAEDEKER. + + +NEW YORK: HARPER AND BROS. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fiscal Ballads, by Harry Graham + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FISCAL BALLADS *** + +***** This file should be named 36038.txt or 36038.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/0/3/36038/ + +Produced by Mark C. Orton, David E. 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