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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/36038-h.zip b/36038-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5843e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/36038-h.zip diff --git a/36038-h/36038-h.htm b/36038-h/36038-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1208e6d --- /dev/null +++ b/36038-h/36038-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1790 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<!-- $Id: header.txt 236 2009-12-07 18:57:00Z vlsimpson $ --> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Fiscal Ballads, by Harry Graham. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + +p { margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} + +hr {width: 33%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; clear: both;} + +table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + +a:link {color:#0000ff; text-decoration:none} +a:visited {color: #6633CC; text-decoration:none} + +.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 92%; font-size: smaller; text-align: right;} + +.blockquot {margin-left: 17%; margin-right: 17%;} +.bqright {margin-left: 17%; margin-right: 17%; text-align: right;} +.center {text-align: center;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.big {font-size: 125%;} +.huge {font-size: 150%;} +.giant {font-size: 175%;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fiscal Ballads, by Harry Graham + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fiscal Ballads + +Author: Harry Graham + +Release Date: May 5, 2011 [EBook #36038] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FISCAL BALLADS *** + + + + +Produced by Mark C. Orton, David E. Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + +<p class="center"><span class="giant">FISCAL BALLADS</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + +<p class="center"><span class="huge">FISCAL BALLADS</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center">BY</p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">HARRY GRAHAM</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="big">('COL. D. STREAMER')</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center">AUTHOR OF</p> +<p class="center">"BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR," "RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS<br /> +HOMES," "PERVERTED PROVERBS," "MISREPRESENTATIVE<br /> +MEN," ETC., ETC.</p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center"><span class="big">LONDON<br /> +EDWARD ARNOLD<br /> +41 & 43 MADDOX STREET, BOND STREET, W.<br/> +1905</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center">[<i>All rights reserved</i>]</p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + + +<p class="center">TO</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="big">P. L.</span></p> + +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td>Beneath your roof I chanced to write<br /> +These Ballads of the Fiscal Fight,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">A somewhat scant selection;</span><br /> +So do not deem me indiscreet<br /> +If I should 'dump' them at your feet,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">And ask for your Protection!</span><br /> +Whate'er you be, or Fair or Free,<br /> +Be still, as ever, fair—to me!</td></tr></table> + +<p> </p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">NOTE</span></p> + + +<p class="blockquot">Many of these 'Fiscal Ballads' have appeared in the columns of the +<i>Westminster Gazette</i>, and are here republished by permission.</p> +<p> </p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="huge">CONTENTS</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> </td> + <td align="right"><small>PAGE</small><br/></td></tr> + +<tr><td>FOREWORD</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>PROTECTION</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_4">4</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>RETALIATION</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_8">8</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>THE COLONIES</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_12">12</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_17">17</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>BRITISH TRADE</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_22">22</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT </td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_28">28</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>'STATISTICS'</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_33">33</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS'</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_42">42</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>THE TURNING TIDE</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_45">45</a></td></tr> + +<tr><td>ENVOI</td> <td align="right"><a href="#Page_49">49</a></td></tr></table> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="giant">FISCAL BALLADS</span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">FOREWORD</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +I'm only a common workin'-man,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a eye to my vittles an' beer,</span><br /> +But afore I puts my money on Joe,<br /> +There's a thing or two as I'd like to know,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which 'e 'asn't a-made quite clear.</span><br /> +<br /> +I admit as it sounds attractive-like<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For to shut them furriners out,</span><br /> +But every Board School nipper knows<br /> +As there's things wot only a furriner grows<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As we couldn't well do without.</span><br /> +<br /> +There's sugar, an' rice, an' cocoa-nibs,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">There's cawfy an' tea as well,</span><br /> +As we never could raise, suppose we tried,<br /> +And we <i>'as</i> to buy 'em somewheres outside,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And the furriners 'as to sell.</span><br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span> +But they don't give nothin' for nothink—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which you can't dispute the fac'—</span><br /> +An' we're sending 'em hevery bit as much<br /> +Of our cotton-goods, an' our coal, an' such,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As 'll pay the beggars back.</span><br /> +<br /> +An' the less we buys o' them furrin goods,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The less of our own's returned;</span><br /> +Which it's plain to see as the more they take,<br /> +The more our firms 'as a chance to make,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' the 'igher the wages earned.</span><br /> +<br /> +For it's British Labour as pays the price<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">O' them goods as crosses the sea,</span><br /> +An' suppose as the furrin imports fail,<br /> +It's the case of a empty dinner-pail<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the workin'-man like me.</span><br /> +<br /> +Let the furriner send 'is foodstuffs in—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lor' bless you, I ain't afraid!</span><br /> +For the more we markets with other lands,<br /> +The more employment for British 'ands,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' the better for British trade!</span><br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span> +I 'asn't no love for the German man,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor yet for the 'eathen Turk,</span><br /> +But I ain't a fool as 'll shut the door<br /> +In the face of even a blooming Boer,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">If the beggar can give me work.</span><br /> +<br /> +For it's work I wants, an' it's wages too,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' I'm lookin' afore I leap;</span><br /> +I won't go chucking a job away,<br /> +On the chance of a possible rise o' pay,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">While food's to be 'ad so cheap.</span><br /> +<br /> +I'm only a workin' artisan,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But the truth I'd like to know;</span><br /> +I ain't for takin' no risks, myself,<br /> +Of a empty grate an' a empty shelf—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">No, thanks, sir, not for Joe!</span><br /> +<br /> +'E says as 'e'll 'sweep the Country'!<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And 'e'll do it too, maybe;</span><br /> +If the workin'-men don't 'ave a care,<br /> +They'll find as there ain't no Country there,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When 'e's swep' it—into the sea!</span></td></tr></table> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">PROTECTION</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td>I've got the dumpophobia bad,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As is easy for to see;</span><br /> +(When a little lad I was bit by a mad<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Manufacturin' man, maybe!)</span><br /> +An' I simply goes clean off my chump<br /> +If anyone 'appens to mention 'dump.'<br /> +<br /> +For it's 'Out wi' they furriner folks!' sez I;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Will we take it 'lying down,'</span><br /> +When they dumps cheap goods (as we wants to buy)<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into every British town?</span><br /> +(Tho' per'aps it's a thing as they wouldn't do<br /> +If we 'adn't a-given 'em orders to!)<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> +But there's good times coming, an' thanks to Joe,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When the Hempire 'll stand on 'er own;</span><br /> +We'll be quit o' the food them furriners grow,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' rely on ourselves alone.</span><br /> +For us, an' the Colonies too, I lay,<br /> +Can grow it as good an' better'n they!<br /> +<br /> +We're a British race, an' we'll soon depend<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On the produc's o' British soil;</span><br /> +No more of our 'ard-earned wage we'll spend<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Upon cheap American oil;</span><br /> +Them dazzlin' lamps is a big mistake,<br /> +While there's tallow candles o' British make!<br /> +<br /> +We've the finest coal in the 'ole wide earth,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which we used for to sell abroad;</span><br /> +But now as we knows 'ow much it's worth,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll save it, an' 'old it, an' 'oard.</span><br /> +(Tho' the pitmen 'll 'ave a word to say<br /> +When the mines shuts down an' they're turned away!)<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> +No more o' the Roosian's corn we'll touch,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor the South American wheat;</span><br /> +An' we'll gladly pay, if it's twice as much,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To 'ave <i>British</i> loaves to eat!</span><br /> +(For the English working-man, these days,<br /> +'E must learn for to live on Colonial maize.)<br /> +<br /> +If there's less to eat it'll taste more sweet,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When the Britishers all combine;</span><br /> +We'll 'ave tinned an' frozen Noo Zealand meat,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Washed down with Australian wine!</span><br /> +(Which it ain't so terrible bad to drink,<br /> +If you fancies honions mixed with ink.)<br /> +<br /> +No more o' your Roosian sable cloaks<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the gentry, nor Paris 'ats;</span><br /> +They're buying their bunnets at Sevenoaks,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' the trimmin's is 'Ounsditch cats;</span><br /> +An' that furrin' jewelry's just a sham,<br /> +They can sell you as good in Birming'<i>am</i>.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> +Them Italian organs 'll 'ave to go,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' the ice-cream barrers as well,</span><br /> +When we're buying a 'alfpenny glass o' snow<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From some smart Canadian swell.</span><br /> +An' no more o' your music from Germanee,<br /> +When our motto is 'Bands acrost the sea!'<br /> +<br /> +When the furriner's foodstuffs out we shuts,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll still 'ave the run of our teeth</span><br /> +On the cocoa we makes off o' cocoanuts<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As they grows upon 'Ampstead 'Eath!</span><br /> +An' o' British pluck we can surely brag,<br /> +When we're smoking the 'omegrown Irish shag!<br /> +<br /> +We're a-buyin' our food too cheap, sez Joe<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(If you listens to 'is advice);</span><br /> +The cost o' the loaf's too small, an' so<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'E's a-trying to raise the price!</span><br /> +<br/> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">* * * * *</span><br/> +<br/> +This 'ere Pertection's a splendid plan—<br /> +But it's werry 'ard lines on the workin'-man!</td></tr></table> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">RETALIATION</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> + +<tr><td> +I've 'ad a quarrel with 'Enery Slade,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Oo keeps our only village inn;</span><br /> +'E said as 'is shoes was badly made,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' I said as 'is 'alf-an'-'alf was thin.</span><br /> +'No more o' <i>your</i> boots I'll buy,' sez 'e,<br /> +'An' no more o' <i>your</i> beer,' sez I, 'for me!'<br /> +<br /> +Nex' time as 'is shoes was out o' repair,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'E took 'em to Lunnon, 'Enery did;</span><br /> +An' wot wi' the bill an' the railway fare,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Why, it cost 'im werry near 'alf a quid.</span><br /> +If 'e'd stayed at 'ome an' give <i>me</i> the job,<br /> +'E wouldn't 'a paid but a couple o' bob!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> +Now, tinkering boots is a thirsty trade,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which them as 'as tried it won't deny,</span><br /> +But I wouldn't get beer orf o' 'Enery Slade,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' there wasn't no other's as I could buy;</span><br /> +An' so, for a month very near, I think,<br /> +I was starving a'most for the lack of a drink.<br /> +<br /> +But at last to a comperimize we come,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'e said as my boots was right enough,</span><br /> +An' I told 'im—arter I'd tasted some—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As 'is beer wasn't really 'alf bad stuff;</span><br /> +So we both shakes 'ands on the village green,<br /> +An' we seed what a couple o' fools we'd been.<br /> +<br /> +But there wasn't no good come out o' the fight,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' we're both worse off than we was before;</span><br /> +Tho' I sits in 'is private bar of a night,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'e gives me 'is shoes to mend once more;</span><br /> +For Slade's lost 'is temper, an' eight bob clear,<br /> +An' I'll <i>never</i> catch up wi' that three weeks' beer!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> +Now if England quarrels with Roosia, say,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or them aggrannoying United States,</span><br /> +She can tax their imports, an' make 'em pay<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">More 'eavier dooties an' 'igher rates;</span><br /> +But suppose as we taxes the goods they sell,<br /> +It's likely as they'll tax ours as well.<br /> +<br /> +An' o' manufactured goods, an' such,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We're sendin' three times as much as they;</span><br /> +So I can't see as 'ow we'll be gaining much,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a three times 'eavier tax to pay.</span><br /> +(It's a game as two can play, you see,<br /> +An' they'll be a-suffering less than we!)<br /> +<br /> +For the balance o' goods as they sells to us<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is the corn, an' the grain, an' the foods we eat;</span><br /> +An' it's likely the working class 'll cuss<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">If we levies a tax on the furrin wheat,</span><br /> +Which 'll merely fall on the poor man's 'ead,<br /> +By a-raising the price of 'is loaf o' bread.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> +This Retaliation's a tom-fool game;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">If we taxes the furriner's barley 'ere,</span><br /> +We shall only be 'aving ourselves to blame<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When we 'as to pay more for our dinner-beer!</span><br /> +Free Food is the best for British Trade,<br /> +—An' for you, an' for me, an' for 'Enery Slade!</td></tr></table> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">THE COLONIES</span></p> +<p> </p> + +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">I've been 'earing, round the pubs,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">As the British Lion's cubs</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Is a gettin' out of 'and, and stubborn-'earted;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For the Colonies, they say,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Is a driftin' right away,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">From the Motherland wot seed 'em safely started.</span><br /> +But it's only Little Englanders, Protectionists, an' such,<br /> +Keeps a-'owling an' a-crying as the Empire's 'out o' touch.'<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">There was Canada, I know;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Kipling said as she 'ad snow,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Which (o' course) was met with angry contradictions;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Then Haustralia come next,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' one Guv'nor found a text</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">To remind 'em of their ancestors' convictions.</span><br /> +It's unfortunit, but still we must admit it for a fact,<br /> +As we Englishmen is hev'rvwhere notorious for tact.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">But wotever folks may shout</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' make grievances about,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">There's uncommon little grounds as they can go on;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For the strength o' Hempire lies</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">More in sentimental ties</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Than in any 'business interests' an' so on;</span><br /> +An' there's feelings of affection an' o' kindness as is worth<br /> +Twice as much as all them there 'commercial interests' on earth.<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' our Colonies 'll stand</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">By the good ole Motherland,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Tho' she may per'aps at times be rather trying;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For they knows as well as we</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">That there's nowheres 'alf so free</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As them countries where the British flag's a-flying.</span><br /> +An' with kindly eyes they looks acrost (wot poets calls) the foam<br /> +To that distant little island as they still considers ''ome.'<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' they'll stick, if they are wise,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">To them sentimental ties—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Never mind if they can't value 'em in dollars;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For they're independent blokes,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' they wouldn't stand no yokes,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Nor they doesn't 'old with wearin' chains an' collars.</span><br /> +(Even dawgs an' such 'll love you more, I've not the slightest doubt,<br /> +If you turns 'em loose, an' keeps 'em free, an' lets 'em run about.)<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">If them Colonies <i>did</i> drift,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For theirselves they'd 'ave to shift—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">It's a case o' 'stand alone' or 'annexation';</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Tho' their lads is sterling stuff,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Still, they're 'ardly big enough</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">For to 'old their own agin' some furrin nation;</span><br /> +An' their armies o' militia-men is hexcellent—but small,<br /> +While o' navies to defend their coasts they 'asn't none at all!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">Yes, they knows, as well as we,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">As it's Hengland rules the sea,—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">(Tho' per'aps it ain't for me to go and say it!)—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' it's Henglishmen as pays</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For the Navy, nowadays,—</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">(Any'ow it ain't Canadians as pay it!)—</span><br /> +So they gives to us the priv'lege of defendin' of 'em 'ere,<br /> +If we lets 'em run their own concerns an' doesn't interfere.<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">We've a market, as they knows,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For the produce wot they grows,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Which commercially's a quite sufficient fetter;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' so long as they can trade</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">At the present prices paid,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Why, they don't want nothink easier nor better.</span><br /> +An' a preference won't make 'em no more loyal than before,<br /> +For they've proved their bloomin' loyalty a 'undred times and more.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">If we likes to pay 'em 'igh</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For their foodstuffs as we buy,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Well, it's natural as 'ow they must applaud it;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">But they wants no preference</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">At the Motherland's expense,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">If she ain't in no position to afford it;</span><br /> +An' they knows, as well as we do, 'ow that any bounties paid<br /> +Must be 'ard on British workin'-men, an' bad for British trade.<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">For they showed us, in the war,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">They was loyal to the core,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">An' they're ready for to 'elp us when we flounders;</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">An' tho' 'ere and there, per'aps,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">There's some discontented chaps,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As 'll grumble, like them there Alaskan Bounders;</span><br /> +Still, they're British to the backbone when the dawgs o' war is loosed,<br /> +An' they'll stick by Mother England till the cows comes 'ome to roost!</td></tr></table> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +We was always a hintimate family,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' we doted on one another;</span><br /> +I was genuine fond o' my Uncle Fred,<br /> +And o' Cousin Jim I've a-often said<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'E was more like my own born brother;</span><br /> +An' a feeling of 'earty affection I 'ad<br /> +For Kate, wot 'ad married my eldest lad.<br /> +<br /> +Now, my Uncle Fred keeps the 'Dumpshire Arms,'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' Jim's in the grocery trade;</span><br /> +While Kate 'as a little front-window shop,<br /> +Where she sells stone-bottles o' ginger-pop<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' sweets as is all 'ome-made;</span><br /> +And <i>I</i> earns enough for my board an' booze,<br /> +A-makin' an' mendin' o' boots an' shoes.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> +Last winter it were, when times was bad,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That Jim 'ad a 'appy thought;</span><br /> +'Ow fine it'd be if we'd all agree<br /> +On a kind of a mutual trade, sez 'e,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For our things as we sold an' bought;</span><br /> +We'd 'elp one another (which sounded nice),<br /> +An' be getting our goods at a lower price.<br /> +<br /> +I'd tinker the boots o' the family cheap,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' get 'ome on my uncle's beer,</span><br /> +Nor I wouldn't be 'avin' to strain my means<br /> +A-buying expensive pertaters an' greens<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Orf o' Cousin Jim, no fear!</span><br /> +An' for luxuries, such as the missus eats,<br /> +I could get 'em 'alf-price orf o' Katie's sweets.<br /> +<br /> +But it didn't work. For my Uncle Fred<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'E treated me crool unfair;</span><br /> +I sold 'im some shoes, starvation price,<br /> +But I 'adn't a-tasted 'is beer but twice<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When 'e said as I'd drunk my share!</span><br /> +Then I mended a couple o' pairs o' Kate's—<br /> +But sweets is a thing as the missus 'ates.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> +Tho' for Cousin Jimmy I took an' made<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A set o' new 'eels and soles,</span><br /> +I was paying for greens at a 'igher rate<br /> +Than 'e charged to my Uncle Fred, or to Kate,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'is cheeses was full of 'oles!</span><br /> +('E was getting 'is liquor 'alf-price, no doubt,<br /> +While <i>I</i> 'ad to bally well go without!)<br /> +<br /> +Now, I 'aven't spoke to my Uncle Fred<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For nigh on six months or more,</span><br /> +An' I've ceased to 'ave dealings with Cousin Jim<br /> +(For at 'eart I'd a-often suspected 'im),<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' I never won't darken 'is door;</span><br /> +An' I've 'ad quite enough o' that rubbish o' Kate's,<br /> +Wot was always the kind of a woman I 'ates.<br /> +<br /> +Yes, family ties is a splendid thing<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">If it's <i>sentiment</i> keeps 'em there;</span><br /> +When it comes to a question o' gold and gain,<br /> +They turns at once to a hirksome chain,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Such as nobody wants to wear;</span><br /> +When matters of money appears on the floor,<br /> +Them family feelings walks out at the door!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> +If England's a-going to 'aggle an' fight<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For Colonial Preference,</span><br /> +If the love of 'er sons for the Motherland<br /> +Is a kind of a feeling as only can stand<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On a basis o' shillings an' pence,</span><br /> +That sort o' foundation won't last overlong,<br /> +An' there's something, I lay, must be 'opelessly wrong.<br /> +<br /> +When the Colonies 'eld out their 'ands to us,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It wasn't for British gold;</span><br /> +But who 'll vouch for the love o' the Britisher-born,<br /> +When 'e bargains 'is honour for tariffs on corn,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'is loyalty's bartered an' sold?</span><br /> +(A 'appy 'armonious fam'ly we'll make,<br /> +A-arguing who shall 'ave most o' the cake!)<br /> +<br /> +We shall 'ave them Australian Governments<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A-striking for better terms,</span><br /> +An' there's sure to be plenty o' grumbling when<br /> +The Canadian manufacturing men<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is competing wi' Henglish firms;</span><br /> +An' each separate part o' the Hempire 'll feel<br /> +As the others is 'aving the best o' the deal.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> +From which, if you follows my meaning through,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">There's a obvious moral to draw:</span><br /> +Let's consider the Motherland's future, afore<br /> +We allows 'er to risk being Mother no more,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' becoming the Mother-in-law!</span><br /> +For if loyalty's paid for, it ain't worth a thought,<br /> +An' affection's a fraud if it 'as to be bought.</td></tr></table> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">BRITISH TRADE</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +Oh, why was I born a English lad,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In a island all shut in by sea?</span><br /> +Wot a much better chance I might 'ave 'ad<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">If I'd only been 'made in Germanee'!</span><br /> +Oh, why was I thus unwilling 'urled<br /> +On the blooming 'dust-'eap o' the world.'<br /> +<br /> +No doubt as the German artisan<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Don't get very much in the matter o' pay;</span><br /> +But 'e works on the seven-days-weekly plan,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a haverage thirteen hours a day.</span><br /> +An' 'e 'asn't no time for to sit an' think,<br /> +Nor money enough to take to drink!<br /> +<br /> +Then give me a permanent German job,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With nothink at all but work to do;</span><br /> +With weekly wages o' sixteen bob,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For to keep myself an' the missus too;</span><br /> +A-makin' them gimcrack German toys<br /> +For poor little English gals an' boys.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> +To my London 'ome I'll say good-bye,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For I 'asn't no use for a open port,</span><br /> +Where the workin' wage is a deal too 'igh,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' the workin' hours is far too short;</span><br /> +Where a workin'-man 'as time to sleep,<br /> +An' food's to be 'ad so rotten cheap.<br /> +<br /> +A German factory's more my taste,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With none o' them lazy English ways,</span><br /> +Where there ain't no money or time to waste<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On ridic'lous 'beanos' an' 'olidays;</span><br /> +An' the workin' classes can just contrive<br /> +To earn sufficient to keep alive.<br /> +<br /> +When I slaves all day at a German trade,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A-makin' them goods as they dumps down 'ere,</span><br /> +When I'm overworked an' I'm underpaid,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till I feels as weak as that German beer,</span><br /> +I'll think o' my English 'ome maybe,<br /> +Where everythink (but the drinks) is free!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> +When I gets back 'ome of a Sunday night,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a supper o' nice black bread to eat,</span><br /> +I'll 'ave such a 'ealthy appetite,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I never won't need no butcher's meat;</span><br /> +For 'unger, o' course, is the finest sauce,<br /> +When you're swollerin' sausages made of 'orse!<br /> +<br /> +An' I begs to state, when I comes 'ome late,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a 'ungry kind of a look in my eye,</span><br /> +If I 'as to wait, with a hempty plate,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Till the blooming cat's-meat-man comes by,</span><br /> +I'll think wi' scorn o' the old 'dust-'eap,'<br /> +Where mutton an' beef's to be bought so cheap.<br /> +<br /> +For we don't know nothink o' 'orse-flesh 'ere,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But Joe 'e'll learn us to eat it, when</span><br /> +'Is tariff makes British meat too dear<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the pockets o' British workin' men;</span><br /> +An' they're 'aving their Little Marys lined<br /> +With a diet o' maize an' bacon rind!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> +When the price goes up of our meat and bread,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By a grand Imperial scheme o' Joe's,</span><br /> +We'll get cheap sugar and tea instead,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' we'll buy no food orf o' Britain's foes;</span><br /> +For we'll 'ave no need o' the furriner's crops<br /> +When we're living on sweets washed down wi' slops!<br /> +<br /> +There's lessons to learn from German trade,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In spite o' this foolish fiscal fuss;</span><br /> +Tho' their peoples ain't no better paid,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor near as well orf for food as us;</span><br /> +For, wotever the German workman's lot,<br /> +'E knows 'ow to use wot brains 'e's got!<br /> +<br /> +An' if <i>our</i> employers 'd only learn<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A few o' they furrin commercial ways,</span><br /> +To make the business their first concern,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' not be so set upon 'olidays,</span><br /> +They wouldn't be always a-'urrying orf,<br /> +For the sake of a afternoon at gorf!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span> +With the wants o' the trade they'd keep in touch,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'd sometimes stay at the orfice late;</span><br /> +If their business methods ain't up to much,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They, at any rate, could be up-to-date!</span><br /> +For there isn't no need of a fiscal fence,<br /> +If you've henergy coupled wi' common-sense!<br /> +<br /> +We English ain't a-doing our best,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' that's the reason we loses ground;</span><br /> +It's time as we took more interest,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' the chance 'as come to buck-up all round.</span><br /> +No need for to put it in doggerel rhymes,<br /> +To see as we're right be'ind the times.<br /> +<br /> +For it's Heducation we wants, that's all,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To make us the country we ought to be.</span><br /> +If we rides for a fall at a tariff wall,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll very soon find ourselves at sea.</span><br /> +(Which the simile's somewot mixed, you'll say,<br /> +But the meanin's clear as the open day!)<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> +Then 'ere's a 'ealth to the Motherland,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For all as they says she's goin' to pot;</span><br /> +Ole England's 'wooden walls' 'll stand<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When the fiscal fences is all forgot!</span><br /> +An' she'll 'old 'er own, by land or sea,<br /> +So long as 'er sons an' 'er trade is free!</td></tr></table> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +On Saturdays I often goes<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' spends a evenin' in the pit</span><br /> +At one of them vari'ty shows,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' makes a 'appy night of it;</span><br /> +But since this fiscal row begun,<br /> +I've 'ad to look elsewheres for fun.<br /> +<br /> +I'm partial to a music-'all,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But when last week I chanced to go,</span><br /> +I 'eard some low-necked blighter bawl<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A Jingo song in praise o' Joe;</span><br /> +'No more will England,' sez this crank,<br /> +'Trade with the German an' the Yank!'<br /> +<br /> +At furrin countries, o'er the sea,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A lot o' silly jeers 'e 'urled;</span><br /> +Thinks I, where would ole England be<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Without the market o' the world?</span><br /> +We'd make a living, I suppose,<br /> +A washin' of each other's clo's!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> +Nex' come the cinematograph,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' Joe, I needn't say, was there;</span><br /> +A picture of 'is upper 'alf,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A-settin' smilin' in a chair.</span><br /> +(There's no photographer in town<br /> +Would dare to 'take <i>'im</i> lying down!')<br /> +<br /> +Then a play-actress come along,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A saucy bunnet on 'er 'ead;</span><br /> +She didn't sing no fiscal song,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She spoke a fiscal pome instead.</span><br /> +'These is,' she 'astened to explain,<br /> +'The words o' Joseph Chamberlain!'<br /> +<br /> +I 'eard that Yankee lady's rhyme,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' then I took my coat an' 'at;</span><br /> +I've read some drivel in my time,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But nothink quite so bad as that.</span><br /> +(She was a Himport, I suppose,<br /> +Dumped down by foes o' poor ole Joe's!)<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> +I took the kids to Drury Lane,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'eard a lion comic sing</span><br /> +A song as told us once again<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To keep 'Protecting' hev'rything.</span><br /> +Thinks I, 'ullo! but if that's so,<br /> +Can't we protect ourselves from Joe?<br /> +<br /> +I ain't bad-tempered, 'Eaven knows;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A peaceful life is wot I'd choose;</span><br /> +If people likes this scheme o' Joe's,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They're more than welcome to their views;</span><br /> +They loves dear food, I've not a doubt,<br /> +An' any'ow that's their look-out.<br /> +<br /> +But when I seeks the gall'ry door<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At one of them there public shows,</span><br /> +I doesn't pay a bob or more<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To 'ear about this plan o' Joe's;</span><br /> +I simply wants to get away<br /> +From controversies of the day.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> +We 'as enough o' argument<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">At 'ome, on 'bus-top, tube, or train;</span><br /> +An' most on us 'll be content<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">If 'entertainments' entertain;</span><br /> +But Joe's as bad as the perlice,<br /> +'E won't give no one any peace.<br /> +<br /> +An' seems to me, as plain as day,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It's actors' business to amuse;</span><br /> +If they can't no'ow keep away<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">From giving us their fiscal views,</span><br /> +Why should the public be denied<br /> +A chance to 'ear the other side?<br /> +<br /> +I 'opes it won't be very long<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Afore George Robey lets us 'ear</span><br /> +A really fust-class fiscal song<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wrote by the Dook o' Devonsheer;</span><br /> +While on the biograph we sees<br /> +Them comic cuts o' F.C.G.'s.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> +If Ruddy Kipling would but write<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A Free Trade ballad, or a glee,</span><br /> +Which Arthur Roberts could recite,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or Dunville sing with Mr. Tree,</span><br /> +I'd pay my money at the door,<br /> +Nor wouldn't ask for nothin' more.<br /> +<br /> +But while the music-'alls descend<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To nothing but Protection 'turns,'</span><br /> +There's other better ways to spend<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The little money that I earns.</span><br /> +I only asks to see fair-play,<br /> +An', failin' that, I'll stop away.</td></tr></table> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">'STATISTICS'</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +I likes my glass of 'arf-an'-'arf,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor needn't make no bones about it;</span><br /> +But still I ain't the bloke to chaff<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Them fellers as can do without it;</span><br /> +I pities 'em, but I respex<br /> +Toteetallers o' heither sex.<br /> +<br /> +I used to be the same myself,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Would never touch a thing but water,</span><br /> +Nor 'ave no bottles on my shelf<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Containin' wot they didn't oughter.</span><br /> +(O' water now I 'ates the sight,<br /> +Except to wash in, Sunday night).<br /> +<br /> +An' wot cured me o' temperance<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was neither tracts nor indigestion,</span><br /> +But simply that I read, by chance,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Some dry statistics on the question,</span><br /> +Which proved to me, beyond a doubt,<br /> +That lamps as wasn't oiled went out!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> +In them dark moments o' the war—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of Nineteen 'Undred now I'm writing—</span><br /> +My country raised a mounted corps,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As seed a deal o' gallant fighting;</span><br /> +An' nigh a third of all that lot<br /> +Was touched by fever, shell or shot.<br /> +<br /> +Of the toteetallers as went,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wot boasted o' their sober 'abits,</span><br /> +As much as <i>thirty-five per cent.</i><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Took fever bad, an' died like rabbits;</span><br /> +While, out o' them as liquored free,<br /> +We didn't lose but twenty-three!<br /> +<br /> +When them statistics first I 'eard,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nobody could 'a hacted quicker;</span><br /> +I 'urried to the 'George the Third,'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' simply dosed myself wi' liquor.</span><br /> +(Since then a many 'armless orgies<br /> +I've 'ad wi' them there Royal Georges.)<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> +An' only yesterday I 'ears<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The state o' things as 'ad existed:</span><br /> +O' them <i>toteetal</i> volunteers<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">There wasn't only <i>three</i> enlisted!</span><br /> +When <i>one</i> fell sick, an' orf 'e went,<br /> +'E made that Thirty-five per cent.!<br /> +<br /> +Yes, figures proves you hanythink,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To suit your private way o' thinking,</span><br /> +They proves the blessedness o' drink,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or else they proves the curse o' drinking;</span><br /> +An', if you manages 'em right,<br /> +They proves a'most that black is white!<br /> +<br /> +They proves that British Industries<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is being ruined by the 'dumper';</span><br /> +They proves this year (as ever is)<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To be wot people calls a 'bumper.'</span><br /> +An' when on exports they begin,<br /> +Lor! wot a muddle they gets in!<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> +They proves as 'ow the iron trade<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is prosperous (or else declining);</span><br /> +That more (or less) was never made<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By them as is engaged in mining.</span><br /> +(We gets a varied mental meal<br /> +Served up to us on plates o' steel!)<br /> +<br /> +They proves, without the slightest doubt,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our manufacturies is growin';</span><br /> +They proves we're being quite cut out,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or else that our 'ome trade's a-goin'.</span><br /> +(In which, per'aps, they ain't so wrong—<br /> +It <i>is</i> a-goin', goin' strong!)<br /> +<br /> +But there's some undisputed fac's—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' even figures won't gainsay it:</span><br /> +One is, if you puts on a tax,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Someone or other <i>'as</i> to pay it.</span><br /> +('We'll tax the poor man's corn,' says Joe;<br /> +'But touch 'is bread? Oh dear me, no!')<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> +If England needs our pounds an' pence,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' taxes of our food to raise 'em,</span><br /> +It don't require much common-sense<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To see as the consumer pays 'em;</span><br /> +The thing I'm anxious for to learn<br /> +Is wot does <i>'e</i> get in return?<br /> +<br /> +When prices they goes up a bit,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The rich exchequer of the nation</span><br /> +Is bound in honour to remit<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Somethink by way o' compensation.</span><br /> +(Tho', all the same, I'd like to see<br /> +The bloke as talks of <i>tea</i> to <i>me</i>!)<br /> +<br /> +An' that's a ticklish game to win;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll stay exactly where we are if</span><br /> +Them blooming furrin goods comes in,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">In spite of our protective tariff!</span><br /> +'Ha! but we'll keep 'em out,' sez you.<br /> +Then where's our promised revenoo?<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> +If that's the price as must be paid<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To forward Joe's Imperial mission;</span><br /> +If we must bolster up our trade,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' not allow no competition,</span><br /> +By taxing them as 'as to buy,<br /> +'Gawd 'elp our British trade!' sez I.</td></tr></table> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS'</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +It doesn't matter if I goes<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Inside our local Workman's Club</span><br /> +To 'ave a game o' dominoes,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or drops into the nearest pub;</span><br /> +In 'arf a moment in 'll walk<br /> +Some bloke as starts a fiscal talk.<br /> +<br /> +An' if I ever tries, per'aps,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To criticise this scheme o' Joe's,</span><br /> +There's always some excited chaps<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As leads from arguments to blows.</span><br /> +An' then we throws the things about,<br /> +Till someone calls the chucker-out.<br /> +<br /> +They states that England's gone to pot,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That ev'ry trade is lost to 'er;</span><br /> +An' if I dares to say it's not,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They calls me 'Little Englander'!</span><br /> +(On one I 'ad to use my fist:<br /> +'E said I was a 'hoptimist.')<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> +Nor yet it ain't no furrin foes<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As thus belittles Britain's fame;</span><br /> +It's partisans o' good old Joe's<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">As brings discredit on 'er name,</span><br /> +By shouting out to ev'ryone<br /> +That little England's day is done.<br /> +<br /> +One night Jim Adams sez to me,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Ole England's rotten to the core!'</span><br /> +An' when 'e finds I don't agree,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'E ups an' calls me a pro-Boer!</span><br /> +(I 'ad a word or two with 'im;<br /> +'E's still in 'orspital, is Jim!)<br /> +<br /> +If them so-called Imperialists<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is blokes as runs their country down,</span><br /> +Upon 'er ruined state insists,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' tries to blacken 'er renown,</span><br /> +Then I for one 'ud much prefer<br /> +To be a 'Little Englander.'<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> +If wot their politicians styles<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The 'patriotic' point of view</span><br /> +Is saying that these British Isles<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'As lost their trade an' credit too,</span><br /> +I ain't a patriot no more:<br /> +I'm just a hoptimist pro-Boer!<br /> +<br /> +I'm not the sort o' chap as blames<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Them folks as don't agree wi' me,</span><br /> +But when they calls me silly names<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Because my fiscal views is Free,</span><br /> +It don't require no further flaws<br /> +To see the weakness o' their cause.</td></tr></table> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +Altho' my brain is sound and well,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' mentally I've nothing wrong,</span><br /> +They've locked me in a padded cell,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' watches me the 'ole day long;</span><br /> +'Ow did I get in such a fix?<br /> +'Twas all along o' politics.<br /> +<br /> +I'd studied Joe's Protection plan,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' thought I'd see what I could do</span><br /> +To benefit my fellow-man<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By practisin' 'is 'opeful view</span><br /> +That Exports is the all in all,<br /> +And Himports should be nil—or small.<br /> +<br /> +So, when I stayed with Uncle Bill<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(My visit ain't improved 'is manners),</span><br /> +I managed, when I left, to fill<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My pockets with 'is best 'Avannahs;</span><br /> +The cigarettes I left be'ind<br /> +Was quite the cheapest I could find.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> +Yet Uncle Bill 'e couldn't see<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That since 'is Exports far exceeded</span><br /> +'Is Himports—thanks, o' course, to me—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That was exactly what he needed</span><br /> +To make 'im prosperous again;<br /> +'E merely said I was insane!<br /> +<br /> +'E couldn't understand, wot's more,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">('E was a Cobdenite, an' still is),</span><br /> +Why, when I traded at the door<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Is hovercoat for Weary Willie's,</span><br /> +'E, not the tramp, 'ad been the gainer;<br /> +And yet—could anythink be plainer?<br /> +<br /> +One day a foreign merchant fleet<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was anchored orf a British pier;</span><br /> +The cargo, mostly Russian wheat,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Designed for himportation 'ere;</span><br /> +True to my principles, that night<br /> +I blew it up with dynamite.<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">* * * * *</span><br/> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> +The jury was a set o' twelve<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Old fossils o' the Asquith school;</span><br /> +The judge was one they ought to shelve;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">My counsel was a bloomin' fool;</span><br /> +'E talked o' my 'disordered brain,'<br /> +An' never mentioned Chamberlain!<br /> +<br /> +So now they've sent me to a spot<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Congenial to my fiscal notions,</span><br /> +Which, as I needn't say, is not<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The same as Devonsheer's or Goschen's.</span><br /> +But I'm not mad, I must insist:<br /> +I'm merely a Protectionist!</td></tr></table> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">THE TURNING TIDE</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +Jim 'Icks was a Tory, ten years back;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'e cheered at each Tory win.</span><br /> +An' 'e'd stand an' argue as white was black,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For to 'elp them Tories in.</span><br /> +But times (an' parties) is changed since then,<br /> +An' 'e's wishful to 'elp 'em out agen.<br /> +<br /> +'Rat!' sez you? Maybe that's true.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor 'e ain't the only one</span><br /> +As 'eard wot them Tories <i>said</i> they'd do,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' as seed wot them Tories <i>done</i>;</span><br /> +An' 'e don't feel noways bound, don't Jim,<br /> +To blokes as 'as broke their word with 'im.<br /> +<br /> +'E nursed 'is party a many a year,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' 'e swollered their party tricks.</span><br /> +Just draw up a cheer to the fire, an' 'ear<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wot they promised the likes of 'Icks.</span><br /> +An' I'll tell you arterwards, if I can,<br /> +Wot the Tories <i>done</i> for the workin'-man.<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">* * * * *</span><br/> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> +Chamberlain, 'e was the fust to speak,—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An', o' course, 'e spoke cocksure,—</span><br /> +Of a pension of 'arf a crown a week<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For the old, 'ard-workin' poor.</span><br /> +(An' many a cap was raised to Joe,<br /> +When 'e made that promise, ten year ago.)<br /> +<br /> +Balfour nex' to the 'ustings comes,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a scheme for to 'elp improve</span><br /> +Them dwellin'-'ouses in crowded slums,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Where there warn't no room to move.</span><br /> +(An' many a 'ope was kep' alive<br /> +By the thought o' that promise o' '95.)<br /> +<br /> +Then come a plan for to keep away<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Them furriners orf our shores;</span><br /> +We 'asn't no use for the likes o' they,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wi' the crowds at our poor-'ouse doors.</span><br /> +(But our English workmen is still denied,<br /> +An' our English waiters can wait—outside!)<br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">* * * * *</span><br/> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> +Ten year ago, that were. To-day<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Such schemes is a trifle flat.</span><br /> +'Twas Election-time, as I needn't say,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">When they promised the likes o' that.</span><br /> +An' our Unemployed in their thousands swarm,<br /> +An' our Poor Law waits for the pledged Reform.<br /> +<br /> +Ten year ago, that were; an' yet<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">We're a-watchin', with 'opeless eye,</span><br /> +Our slum-choked women-folk starve an' sweat,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' our stunted children die.</span><br /> +An' late an' early, early an' late,<br /> +The old men waits at the work'us gate.<br /> +<br /> +I wouldn't be 'ard on them Tory chaps—<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">No doubt as they done their best;</span><br /> +But I can't 'elp thinkin' some'ow, per'aps,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">They'd be none the worst of a rest.</span><br /> +That 'undred majority makes 'em slow,<br /> +Let alone all the trouble they've 'ad with Joe.<br /> +<br/> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> +It's easy to sneer when you once begins,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">An' it's easy to badger an' blame;</span><br /> +When the 'ins' is 'outs,' and the 'outs' is 'ins,'<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Very like they'll be just the same!</span><br /> +No better, per'aps, but at least no wuss;<br /> +An' they can't very well do <i>less</i> for us!<br /> +<br /> +Wot can this Guv'ment show to-day<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But them promises throwed aside?</span><br /> +An' a country's confidence washed away<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">On the ebb of a Tory tide?</span><br /> +<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">* * * * *</span><br/> +<br /> +Ten long years since they fust began!<br /> +Ten good years for to plot an' plan!<br /> +An' wot 'a they done for the workin'-man?</td></tr></table> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">ENVOI</span></p> +<p> </p> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="table"> +<tr><td> +<span class="smcap">Protectionist!</span> (if you exist)<br /> +Whose sympathies I can't enlist,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Be sparing of your curses!</span><br /> +Ah, don't abuse my Fiscal <small>VIEWS</small>,<br /> +But, out of pity for the Muse,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Look only at my <small>VERSES</small>!</span><br /> +<br /> +<span class="smcap">Free Trader</span>, too, I beg of you,<br /> +Whatever else you think or do,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">My lack of skill excuse. Ah!</span><br /> +No doubt my <small>VERSE</small> could not be worse,<br /> +And weak the rhymes that I rehearse;<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But, then, how sound my <small>VIEWS</small> are!</span><br /> +<br /> +(Thus may I strengthen—or convert,<br /> +And no one's feelings need be hurt!)</td></tr></table> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center">BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p class="center"><span class="big"><i>BY THE SAME AUTHOR.</i></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="huge">RUTHLESS RHYMES</span><br /> +<span class="big">FOR</span><br /> +<span class="huge">HEARTLESS HOMES,</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="big">By COL. D. STREAMER.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Illustrated by 'G. H.'</span></p> + +<p class="center">Oblong 4to. 3s. 6d.</p> + + +<p>'It is impossible not to be amused by some of the "Ruthless Rhymes for +Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, nor can anyone with a sense of +humour fail to appreciate the many amusing points in the +illustrations.'—<i>Westminster Budget.</i></p> + +<p>'"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" is the name of a really charming +little book of rhymes. The words are by Colonel D. Streamer, and the +illustrations by "G. H.," and 'tis hard to say whether words or pictures +are the cleverer.... The book is one which must, however, be seen to be +appreciated; to properly describe it is impossible.'—<i>Calcutta +Englishman.</i></p> + +<p>'Wise parents will, however, keep strictly to themselves "Ruthless +Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Col. D. Streamer. The illustrations, by +"G. H." are very amusing, and especially happy is that to "Equanimity," +when</p> + +<p class="blockquot"> +"Aunt Jane observed the second time<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">She tumbled off a 'bus,</span><br /> +'The step is short from the sublime<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To the ridiculous.'"'</span><br /> +<br /> +<span class="bqright">—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i></span><br /> +</p> + +<p>'Another charming whimsicality published by Mr. Edward Arnold is +"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, +illustrated by "G. H."'—<i>Sydney Morning Herald.</i></p> + +<p>'The veriest nonsense, possessing the quality that makes it akin to +Carroll's work.'—<i>New York Bookworm.</i></p> + +<p>'It is difficult to see the humour of—</p> + +<p class="blockquot"> +"Philip, foozling with his cleek,<br /> +Drove his ball through Helen's cheek.<br /> +Sad they bore her corpse away,<br /> +Seven up and six to play."'<br /> +<br /> +<span class="bqright">—<i>The Scotsman.</i></span><br /> +</p> +<p> </p> + +<p class="center">LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, <span class="smcap">41 & 43 Maddox St., W.</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center"><span class="big"><i>BY THE SAME AUTHOR.</i></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="huge">BALLADS OF THE BOER<br /> +WAR.</span></p> + +<p class="center">Fcap. 8vo., buckram. 3s. 6d. net.</p> + +<p class="center">LONDON: GRANT RICHARDS.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>Second Edition.</i>)</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>'There is unquestionably a good deal of human nature in the book, and as +an expression of sentiments which have remained hitherto inarticulate, +as a revelation not always edifying, but often illuminating, of the +heart of the man in the ranks, this little volume is a distinct addition +to the literature of the war.'—<i>Spectator.</i></p> + +<p>'Racy expressions of Tommy Atkins' feelings in Tommy Atkins' +language.... "Coldstreamer's" verses in their kind are as good as any we +have seen.'—<i>Academy.</i></p> + +<p>'These colloquial rhymes express the private soldier's views in his own +language.'—<i>The Times.</i></p> + +<p>'These racy ballads make a book which many will read with interest and +sympathy.'—<i>Scotsman.</i></p> + +<p>'As good as anything yet done in the vernacular of Mr. Thomas Atkins. A +book for every friend of the army.'—<i>Outlook.</i></p> + +<p>'Vigorous Kiplingesque verses, with sound common-sense and genuine +feeling. Well worth reading and buying.'—<i>To-day.</i></p> + +<p>'One of the liveliest books of light verse we have come across for a +long time. "Coldstreamer's" verses are always distinctive.'—<i>County +Gentleman.</i></p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + +<p class="center"><span class="big"><i>BY THE SAME AUTHOR.</i></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="huge">MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Illustrated by</span> F. STROTHMAN.</p> + +<p class="center">NEW YORK: FOX, DUFFIELD AND CO.</p> + +<p class="center">(<i>Second Edition.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center">OPINIONS OF THE AMERICAN PRESS.</p> + + +<p>'One of the most amusing books of the year. Mr. Graham is a fluent and +ingenious rhymester, with an alert mind and a well-controlled sense of +humour.'—<i>The Times</i> (New York).</p> + +<p>'"Misrepresentative Men" shows so high-spirited a mastery of words and +metre (the result, we take it, of laborious days) that it will be read +with pleasure by the most fastidious lover of what is amusing.'—<i>The +Nation</i> (New York).</p> + +<p>'Mr. Graham's verses are exceedingly clever, and Mr. Strothman's +illustrations add to their cleverness.'—<i>The Bookman</i> (New York).</p> + +<p>'A very amusing little book, by that cleverly humorous versifier "Col. +D. Streamer," whose "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" has had such a +deserved vogue.'—<i>Town Topics</i> (New York).</p> + +<p>'The most amusing biographical caricatures of celebrities that we have +read for a long time. There is not a dull line in the entire +collection.'—<i>The Bookseller</i> (New York).</p> + +<p>'These satirical verses have the same ingenious humour as the writer's +previous rhymes. The book is altogether refreshing.'—<i>Town and Country</i> +(New York).</p> + +<p>'The hit of the season.'—<i>The Lexington Herald.</i></p> + +<p>'A most attractively humorous work.'—<i>The Pittsburg Despatch.</i></p> + +<p>'A little book of really clever verse.'—<i>The Milwaukee Sentinel.</i></p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> + +<p class="center"><span class="big"><i>BY THE SAME AUTHOR.</i></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="huge">PERVERTED PROVERBS.</span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="huge">THE BABY'S BAEDEKER.</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p class="center">NEW YORK: HARPER AND BROS.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fiscal Ballads, by Harry Graham + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FISCAL BALLADS *** + +***** This file should be named 36038-h.htm or 36038-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/0/3/36038/ + +Produced by Mark C. Orton, David E. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fiscal Ballads + +Author: Harry Graham + +Release Date: May 5, 2011 [EBook #36038] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FISCAL BALLADS *** + + + + +Produced by Mark C. Orton, David E. Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +FISCAL BALLADS + + + + + FISCAL BALLADS + + BY + + HARRY GRAHAM + + ('COL. D. STREAMER') + + AUTHOR OF + "BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR," "RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS + HOMES," "PERVERTED PROVERBS," "MISREPRESENTATIVE + MEN," ETC., ETC. + + LONDON + EDWARD ARNOLD + 41 & 43 MADDOX STREET, BOND STREET, W. + + 1905 + + [_All rights reserved_] + + + + + TO + P. L. + + + Beneath your roof I chanced to write + These Ballads of the Fiscal Fight, + A somewhat scant selection; + So do not deem me indiscreet + If I should 'dump' them at your feet, + And ask for your Protection! + Whate'er you be, or Fair or Free, + Be still, as ever, fair--to me! + + + + +NOTE + + +Many of these 'Fiscal Ballads' have appeared in the columns of the +_Westminster Gazette_, and are here republished by permission. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + + FOREWORD 1 + + PROTECTION 4 + + RETALIATION 8 + + THE COLONIES 12 + + PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT 17 + + BRITISH TRADE 22 + + CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT 28 + + 'STATISTICS' 33 + + 'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS' 39 + + A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR 42 + + THE TURNING TIDE 45 + + ENVOI 49 + + + + +FISCAL BALLADS + + + + +FOREWORD + + + I'm only a common workin'-man, + With a eye to my vittles an' beer, + But afore I puts my money on Joe, + There's a thing or two as I'd like to know, + Which 'e 'asn't a-made quite clear. + + I admit as it sounds attractive-like + For to shut them furriners out, + But every Board School nipper knows + As there's things wot only a furriner grows + As we couldn't well do without. + + There's sugar, an' rice, an' cocoa-nibs, + There's cawfy an' tea as well, + As we never could raise, suppose we tried, + And we _'as_ to buy 'em somewheres outside, + And the furriners 'as to sell. + + But they don't give nothin' for nothink-- + Which you can't dispute the fac'-- + An' we're sending 'em hevery bit as much + Of our cotton-goods, an' our coal, an' such, + As 'll pay the beggars back. + + An' the less we buys o' them furrin goods, + The less of our own's returned; + Which it's plain to see as the more they take, + The more our firms 'as a chance to make, + An' the 'igher the wages earned. + + For it's British Labour as pays the price + O' them goods as crosses the sea, + An' suppose as the furrin imports fail, + It's the case of a empty dinner-pail + For the workin'-man like me. + + Let the furriner send 'is foodstuffs in-- + Lor' bless you, I ain't afraid! + For the more we markets with other lands, + The more employment for British 'ands, + An' the better for British trade! + + I 'asn't no love for the German man, + Nor yet for the 'eathen Turk, + But I ain't a fool as 'll shut the door + In the face of even a blooming Boer, + If the beggar can give me work. + + For it's work I wants, an' it's wages too, + An' I'm lookin' afore I leap; + I won't go chucking a job away, + On the chance of a possible rise o' pay, + While food's to be 'ad so cheap. + + I'm only a workin' artisan, + But the truth I'd like to know; + I ain't for takin' no risks, myself, + Of a empty grate an' a empty shelf-- + No, thanks, sir, not for Joe! + + 'E says as 'e'll 'sweep the Country'! + And 'e'll do it too, maybe; + If the workin'-men don't 'ave a care, + They'll find as there ain't no Country there, + When 'e's swep' it--into the sea! + + + + +PROTECTION + + + I've got the dumpophobia bad, + As is easy for to see; + (When a little lad I was bit by a mad + Manufacturin' man, maybe!) + An' I simply goes clean off my chump + If anyone 'appens to mention 'dump.' + + For it's 'Out wi' they furriner folks!' sez I; + Will we take it 'lying down,' + When they dumps cheap goods (as we wants to buy) + Into every British town? + (Tho' per'aps it's a thing as they wouldn't do + If we 'adn't a-given 'em orders to!) + + But there's good times coming, an' thanks to Joe, + When the Hempire 'll stand on 'er own; + We'll be quit o' the food them furriners grow, + An' rely on ourselves alone. + For us, an' the Colonies too, I lay, + Can grow it as good an' better'n they! + + We're a British race, an' we'll soon depend + On the produc's o' British soil; + No more of our 'ard-earned wage we'll spend + Upon cheap American oil; + Them dazzlin' lamps is a big mistake, + While there's tallow candles o' British make! + + We've the finest coal in the 'ole wide earth, + Which we used for to sell abroad; + But now as we knows 'ow much it's worth, + We'll save it, an' 'old it, an' 'oard. + (Tho' the pitmen 'll 'ave a word to say + When the mines shuts down an' they're turned away!) + + No more o' the Roosian's corn we'll touch, + Nor the South American wheat; + An' we'll gladly pay, if it's twice as much, + To 'ave _British_ loaves to eat! + (For the English working-man, these days, + 'E must learn for to live on Colonial maize.) + + If there's less to eat it'll taste more sweet, + When the Britishers all combine; + We'll 'ave tinned an' frozen Noo Zealand meat, + Washed down with Australian wine! + (Which it ain't so terrible bad to drink, + If you fancies honions mixed with ink.) + + No more o' your Roosian sable cloaks + For the gentry, nor Paris 'ats; + They're buying their bunnets at Sevenoaks, + An' the trimmin's is 'Ounsditch cats; + An' that furrin' jewelry's just a sham, + They can sell you as good in Birming'_am_. + + Them Italian organs 'll 'ave to go, + An' the ice-cream barrers as well, + When we're buying a 'alfpenny glass o' snow + From some smart Canadian swell. + An' no more o' your music from Germanee, + When our motto is 'Bands acrost the sea!' + + When the furriner's foodstuffs out we shuts, + We'll still 'ave the run of our teeth + On the cocoa we makes off o' cocoanuts + As they grows upon 'Ampstead 'Eath! + An' o' British pluck we can surely brag, + When we're smoking the 'omegrown Irish shag! + + We're a-buyin' our food too cheap, sez Joe + (If you listens to 'is advice); + The cost o' the loaf's too small, an' so + 'E's a-trying to raise the price! + + * * * * * + + This 'ere Pertection's a splendid plan-- + But it's werry 'ard lines on the workin'-man! + + + + +RETALIATION + + + I've 'ad a quarrel with 'Enery Slade, + 'Oo keeps our only village inn; + 'E said as 'is shoes was badly made, + An' I said as 'is 'alf-an'-'alf was thin. + 'No more o' _your_ boots I'll buy,' sez 'e, + 'An' no more o' _your_ beer,' sez I, 'for me!' + + Nex' time as 'is shoes was out o' repair, + 'E took 'em to Lunnon, 'Enery did; + An' wot wi' the bill an' the railway fare, + Why, it cost 'im werry near 'alf a quid. + If 'e'd stayed at 'ome an' give _me_ the job, + 'E wouldn't 'a paid but a couple o' bob! + + Now, tinkering boots is a thirsty trade, + Which them as 'as tried it won't deny, + But I wouldn't get beer orf o' 'Enery Slade, + An' there wasn't no other's as I could buy; + An' so, for a month very near, I think, + I was starving a'most for the lack of a drink. + + But at last to a comperimize we come, + An' 'e said as my boots was right enough, + An' I told 'im--arter I'd tasted some-- + As 'is beer wasn't really 'alf bad stuff; + So we both shakes 'ands on the village green, + An' we seed what a couple o' fools we'd been. + + But there wasn't no good come out o' the fight, + An' we're both worse off than we was before; + Tho' I sits in 'is private bar of a night, + An' 'e gives me 'is shoes to mend once more; + For Slade's lost 'is temper, an' eight bob clear, + An' I'll _never_ catch up wi' that three weeks' beer! + + Now if England quarrels with Roosia, say, + Or them aggrannoying United States, + She can tax their imports, an' make 'em pay + More 'eavier dooties an' 'igher rates; + But suppose as we taxes the goods they sell, + It's likely as they'll tax ours as well. + + An' o' manufactured goods, an' such, + We're sendin' three times as much as they; + So I can't see as 'ow we'll be gaining much, + With a three times 'eavier tax to pay. + (It's a game as two can play, you see, + An' they'll be a-suffering less than we!) + + For the balance o' goods as they sells to us + Is the corn, an' the grain, an' the foods we eat; + An' it's likely the working class 'll cuss + If we levies a tax on the furrin wheat, + Which 'll merely fall on the poor man's 'ead, + By a-raising the price of 'is loaf o' bread. + + This Retaliation's a tom-fool game; + If we taxes the furriner's barley 'ere, + We shall only be 'aving ourselves to blame + When we 'as to pay more for our dinner-beer! + Free Food is the best for British Trade, + --An' for you, an' for me, an' for 'Enery Slade! + + + + +THE COLONIES + + + I've been 'earing, round the pubs, + As the British Lion's cubs + Is a gettin' out of 'and, and stubborn-'earted; + For the Colonies, they say, + Is a driftin' right away, + From the Motherland wot seed 'em safely started. + But it's only Little Englanders, Protectionists, an' such, + Keeps a-'owling an' a-crying as the Empire's 'out o' touch.' + + There was Canada, I know; + Kipling said as she 'ad snow, + Which (o' course) was met with angry contradictions; + Then Haustralia come next, + An' one Guv'nor found a text + To remind 'em of their ancestors' convictions. + It's unfortunit, but still we must admit it for a fact, + As we Englishmen is hev'rvwhere notorious for tact. + + But wotever folks may shout + An' make grievances about, + There's uncommon little grounds as they can go on; + For the strength o' Hempire lies + More in sentimental ties + Than in any 'business interests' an' so on; + An' there's feelings of affection an' o' kindness as is worth + Twice as much as all them there 'commercial interests' on earth. + + An' our Colonies 'll stand + By the good ole Motherland, + Tho' she may per'aps at times be rather trying; + For they knows as well as we + That there's nowheres 'alf so free + As them countries where the British flag's a-flying. + An' with kindly eyes they looks acrost (wot poets calls) the foam + To that distant little island as they still considers ''ome.' + + An' they'll stick, if they are wise, + To them sentimental ties-- + Never mind if they can't value 'em in dollars; + For they're independent blokes, + An' they wouldn't stand no yokes, + Nor they doesn't 'old with wearin' chains an' collars. + (Even dawgs an' such 'll love you more, I've not the slightest doubt, + If you turns 'em loose, an' keeps 'em free, an' lets 'em run about.) + + If them Colonies _did_ drift, + For theirselves they'd 'ave to shift-- + It's a case o' 'stand alone' or 'annexation'; + Tho' their lads is sterling stuff, + Still, they're 'ardly big enough + For to 'old their own agin' some furrin nation; + An' their armies o' militia-men is hexcellent--but small, + While o' navies to defend their coasts they 'asn't none at all! + + Yes, they knows, as well as we, + As it's Hengland rules the sea,-- + (Tho' per'aps it ain't for me to go and say it!)-- + An' it's Henglishmen as pays + For the Navy, nowadays,-- + (Any'ow it ain't Canadians as pay it!)-- + So they gives to us the priv'lege of defendin' of 'em 'ere, + If we lets 'em run their own concerns an' doesn't interfere. + + We've a market, as they knows, + For the produce wot they grows, + Which commercially's a quite sufficient fetter; + An' so long as they can trade + At the present prices paid, + Why, they don't want nothink easier nor better. + An' a preference won't make 'em no more loyal than before, + For they've proved their bloomin' loyalty a 'undred times and more. + + If we likes to pay 'em 'igh + For their foodstuffs as we buy, + Well, it's natural as 'ow they must applaud it; + But they wants no preference + At the Motherland's expense, + If she ain't in no position to afford it; + An' they knows, as well as we do, 'ow that any bounties paid + Must be 'ard on British workin'-men, an' bad for British trade. + + For they showed us, in the war, + They was loyal to the core, + An' they're ready for to 'elp us when we flounders; + An' tho' 'ere and there, per'aps, + There's some discontented chaps, + As 'll grumble, like them there Alaskan Bounders; + Still, they're British to the backbone when the dawgs o' war is loosed, + An' they'll stick by Mother England till the cows comes 'ome to roost! + + + + +PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT + + + We was always a hintimate family, + An' we doted on one another; + I was genuine fond o' my Uncle Fred, + And o' Cousin Jim I've a-often said + 'E was more like my own born brother; + An' a feeling of 'earty affection I 'ad + For Kate, wot 'ad married my eldest lad. + + Now, my Uncle Fred keeps the 'Dumpshire Arms,' + An' Jim's in the grocery trade; + While Kate 'as a little front-window shop, + Where she sells stone-bottles o' ginger-pop + An' sweets as is all 'ome-made; + And _I_ earns enough for my board an' booze, + A-makin' an' mendin' o' boots an' shoes. + + Last winter it were, when times was bad, + That Jim 'ad a 'appy thought; + 'Ow fine it'd be if we'd all agree + On a kind of a mutual trade, sez 'e, + For our things as we sold an' bought; + We'd 'elp one another (which sounded nice), + An' be getting our goods at a lower price. + + I'd tinker the boots o' the family cheap, + An' get 'ome on my uncle's beer, + Nor I wouldn't be 'avin' to strain my means + A-buying expensive pertaters an' greens + Orf o' Cousin Jim, no fear! + An' for luxuries, such as the missus eats, + I could get 'em 'alf-price orf o' Katie's sweets. + + But it didn't work. For my Uncle Fred + 'E treated me crool unfair; + I sold 'im some shoes, starvation price, + But I 'adn't a-tasted 'is beer but twice + When 'e said as I'd drunk my share! + Then I mended a couple o' pairs o' Kate's-- + But sweets is a thing as the missus 'ates. + + Tho' for Cousin Jimmy I took an' made + A set o' new 'eels and soles, + I was paying for greens at a 'igher rate + Than 'e charged to my Uncle Fred, or to Kate, + An' 'is cheeses was full of 'oles! + ('E was getting 'is liquor 'alf-price, no doubt, + While _I_ 'ad to bally well go without!) + + Now, I 'aven't spoke to my Uncle Fred + For nigh on six months or more, + An' I've ceased to 'ave dealings with Cousin Jim + (For at 'eart I'd a-often suspected 'im), + An' I never won't darken 'is door; + An' I've 'ad quite enough o' that rubbish o' Kate's, + Wot was always the kind of a woman I 'ates. + + Yes, family ties is a splendid thing + If it's _sentiment_ keeps 'em there; + When it comes to a question o' gold and gain, + They turns at once to a hirksome chain, + Such as nobody wants to wear; + When matters of money appears on the floor, + Them family feelings walks out at the door! + + If England's a-going to 'aggle an' fight + For Colonial Preference, + If the love of 'er sons for the Motherland + Is a kind of a feeling as only can stand + On a basis o' shillings an' pence, + That sort o' foundation won't last overlong, + An' there's something, I lay, must be 'opelessly wrong. + + When the Colonies 'eld out their 'ands to us, + It wasn't for British gold; + But who 'll vouch for the love o' the Britisher-born, + When 'e bargains 'is honour for tariffs on corn, + An' 'is loyalty's bartered an' sold? + (A 'appy 'armonious fam'ly we'll make, + A-arguing who shall 'ave most o' the cake!) + + We shall 'ave them Australian Governments + A-striking for better terms, + An' there's sure to be plenty o' grumbling when + The Canadian manufacturing men + Is competing wi' Henglish firms; + An' each separate part o' the Hempire 'll feel + As the others is 'aving the best o' the deal. + + From which, if you follows my meaning through, + There's a obvious moral to draw: + Let's consider the Motherland's future, afore + We allows 'er to risk being Mother no more, + An' becoming the Mother-in-law! + For if loyalty's paid for, it ain't worth a thought, + An' affection's a fraud if it 'as to be bought. + + + + +BRITISH TRADE + + + Oh, why was I born a English lad, + In a island all shut in by sea? + Wot a much better chance I might 'ave 'ad + If I'd only been 'made in Germanee'! + Oh, why was I thus unwilling 'urled + On the blooming 'dust-'eap o' the world.' + + No doubt as the German artisan + Don't get very much in the matter o' pay; + But 'e works on the seven-days-weekly plan, + With a haverage thirteen hours a day. + An' 'e 'asn't no time for to sit an' think, + Nor money enough to take to drink! + + Then give me a permanent German job, + With nothink at all but work to do; + With weekly wages o' sixteen bob, + For to keep myself an' the missus too; + A-makin' them gimcrack German toys + For poor little English gals an' boys. + + To my London 'ome I'll say good-bye, + For I 'asn't no use for a open port, + Where the workin' wage is a deal too 'igh, + An' the workin' hours is far too short; + Where a workin'-man 'as time to sleep, + An' food's to be 'ad so rotten cheap. + + A German factory's more my taste, + With none o' them lazy English ways, + Where there ain't no money or time to waste + On ridic'lous 'beanos' an' 'olidays; + An' the workin' classes can just contrive + To earn sufficient to keep alive. + + When I slaves all day at a German trade, + A-makin' them goods as they dumps down 'ere, + When I'm overworked an' I'm underpaid, + Till I feels as weak as that German beer, + I'll think o' my English 'ome maybe, + Where everythink (but the drinks) is free! + + When I gets back 'ome of a Sunday night, + With a supper o' nice black bread to eat, + I'll 'ave such a 'ealthy appetite, + I never won't need no butcher's meat; + For 'unger, o' course, is the finest sauce, + When you're swollerin' sausages made of 'orse! + + An' I begs to state, when I comes 'ome late, + With a 'ungry kind of a look in my eye, + If I 'as to wait, with a hempty plate, + Till the blooming cat's-meat-man comes by, + I'll think wi' scorn o' the old 'dust-'eap,' + Where mutton an' beef's to be bought so cheap. + + For we don't know nothink o' 'orse-flesh 'ere, + But Joe 'e'll learn us to eat it, when + 'Is tariff makes British meat too dear + For the pockets o' British workin' men; + An' they're 'aving their Little Marys lined + With a diet o' maize an' bacon rind! + + When the price goes up of our meat and bread, + By a grand Imperial scheme o' Joe's, + We'll get cheap sugar and tea instead, + An' we'll buy no food orf o' Britain's foes; + For we'll 'ave no need o' the furriner's crops + When we're living on sweets washed down wi' slops! + + There's lessons to learn from German trade, + In spite o' this foolish fiscal fuss; + Tho' their peoples ain't no better paid, + Nor near as well orf for food as us; + For, wotever the German workman's lot, + 'E knows 'ow to use wot brains 'e's got! + + An' if _our_ employers 'd only learn + A few o' they furrin commercial ways, + To make the business their first concern, + An' not be so set upon 'olidays, + They wouldn't be always a-'urrying orf, + For the sake of a afternoon at gorf! + + With the wants o' the trade they'd keep in touch, + An' 'd sometimes stay at the orfice late; + If their business methods ain't up to much, + They, at any rate, could be up-to-date! + For there isn't no need of a fiscal fence, + If you've henergy coupled wi' common-sense! + + We English ain't a-doing our best, + An' that's the reason we loses ground; + It's time as we took more interest, + An' the chance 'as come to buck-up all round. + No need for to put it in doggerel rhymes, + To see as we're right be'ind the times. + + For it's Heducation we wants, that's all, + To make us the country we ought to be. + If we rides for a fall at a tariff wall, + We'll very soon find ourselves at sea. + (Which the simile's somewot mixed, you'll say, + But the meanin's clear as the open day!) + + Then 'ere's a 'ealth to the Motherland, + For all as they says she's goin' to pot; + Ole England's 'wooden walls' 'll stand + When the fiscal fences is all forgot! + An' she'll 'old 'er own, by land or sea, + So long as 'er sons an' 'er trade is free! + + + + +CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT + + + On Saturdays I often goes + An' spends a evenin' in the pit + At one of them vari'ty shows, + An' makes a 'appy night of it; + But since this fiscal row begun, + I've 'ad to look elsewheres for fun. + + I'm partial to a music-'all, + But when last week I chanced to go, + I 'eard some low-necked blighter bawl + A Jingo song in praise o' Joe; + 'No more will England,' sez this crank, + 'Trade with the German an' the Yank!' + + At furrin countries, o'er the sea, + A lot o' silly jeers 'e 'urled; + Thinks I, where would ole England be + Without the market o' the world? + We'd make a living, I suppose, + A washin' of each other's clo's! + + Nex' come the cinematograph, + An' Joe, I needn't say, was there; + A picture of 'is upper 'alf, + A-settin' smilin' in a chair. + (There's no photographer in town + Would dare to 'take _'im_ lying down!') + + Then a play-actress come along, + A saucy bunnet on 'er 'ead; + She didn't sing no fiscal song, + She spoke a fiscal pome instead. + 'These is,' she 'astened to explain, + 'The words o' Joseph Chamberlain!' + + I 'eard that Yankee lady's rhyme, + An' then I took my coat an' 'at; + I've read some drivel in my time, + But nothink quite so bad as that. + (She was a Himport, I suppose, + Dumped down by foes o' poor ole Joe's!) + + I took the kids to Drury Lane, + An' 'eard a lion comic sing + A song as told us once again + To keep 'Protecting' hev'rything. + Thinks I, 'ullo! but if that's so, + Can't we protect ourselves from Joe? + + I ain't bad-tempered, 'Eaven knows; + A peaceful life is wot I'd choose; + If people likes this scheme o' Joe's, + They're more than welcome to their views; + They loves dear food, I've not a doubt, + An' any'ow that's their look-out. + + But when I seeks the gall'ry door + At one of them there public shows, + I doesn't pay a bob or more + To 'ear about this plan o' Joe's; + I simply wants to get away + From controversies of the day. + + We 'as enough o' argument + At 'ome, on 'bus-top, tube, or train; + An' most on us 'll be content + If 'entertainments' entertain; + But Joe's as bad as the perlice, + 'E won't give no one any peace. + + An' seems to me, as plain as day, + It's actors' business to amuse; + If they can't no'ow keep away + From giving us their fiscal views, + Why should the public be denied + A chance to 'ear the other side? + + I 'opes it won't be very long + Afore George Robey lets us 'ear + A really fust-class fiscal song + Wrote by the Dook o' Devonsheer; + While on the biograph we sees + Them comic cuts o' F.C.G.'s. + + If Ruddy Kipling would but write + A Free Trade ballad, or a glee, + Which Arthur Roberts could recite, + Or Dunville sing with Mr. Tree, + I'd pay my money at the door, + Nor wouldn't ask for nothin' more. + + But while the music-'alls descend + To nothing but Protection 'turns,' + There's other better ways to spend + The little money that I earns. + I only asks to see fair-play, + An', failin' that, I'll stop away. + + + + +'STATISTICS' + + + I likes my glass of 'arf-an'-'arf, + Nor needn't make no bones about it; + But still I ain't the bloke to chaff + Them fellers as can do without it; + I pities 'em, but I respex + Toteetallers o' heither sex. + + I used to be the same myself, + Would never touch a thing but water, + Nor 'ave no bottles on my shelf + Containin' wot they didn't oughter. + (O' water now I 'ates the sight, + Except to wash in, Sunday night). + + An' wot cured me o' temperance + Was neither tracts nor indigestion, + But simply that I read, by chance, + Some dry statistics on the question, + Which proved to me, beyond a doubt, + That lamps as wasn't oiled went out! + + In them dark moments o' the war-- + Of Nineteen 'Undred now I'm writing-- + My country raised a mounted corps, + As seed a deal o' gallant fighting; + An' nigh a third of all that lot + Was touched by fever, shell or shot. + + Of the toteetallers as went, + Wot boasted o' their sober 'abits, + As much as _thirty-five per cent._ + Took fever bad, an' died like rabbits; + While, out o' them as liquored free, + We didn't lose but twenty-three! + + When them statistics first I 'eard, + Nobody could 'a hacted quicker; + I 'urried to the 'George the Third,' + An' simply dosed myself wi' liquor. + (Since then a many 'armless orgies + I've 'ad wi' them there Royal Georges.) + + An' only yesterday I 'ears + The state o' things as 'ad existed: + O' them _toteetal_ volunteers + There wasn't only _three_ enlisted! + When _one_ fell sick, an' orf 'e went, + 'E made that Thirty-five per cent.! + + Yes, figures proves you hanythink, + To suit your private way o' thinking, + They proves the blessedness o' drink, + Or else they proves the curse o' drinking; + An', if you manages 'em right, + They proves a'most that black is white! + + They proves that British Industries + Is being ruined by the 'dumper'; + They proves this year (as ever is) + To be wot people calls a 'bumper.' + An' when on exports they begin, + Lor! wot a muddle they gets in! + + They proves as 'ow the iron trade + Is prosperous (or else declining); + That more (or less) was never made + By them as is engaged in mining. + (We gets a varied mental meal + Served up to us on plates o' steel!) + + They proves, without the slightest doubt, + Our manufacturies is growin'; + They proves we're being quite cut out, + Or else that our 'ome trade's a-goin'. + (In which, per'aps, they ain't so wrong-- + It _is_ a-goin', goin' strong!) + + But there's some undisputed fac's-- + An' even figures won't gainsay it: + One is, if you puts on a tax, + Someone or other _'as_ to pay it. + ('We'll tax the poor man's corn,' says Joe; + 'But touch 'is bread? Oh dear me, no!') + + If England needs our pounds an' pence, + An' taxes of our food to raise 'em, + It don't require much common-sense + To see as the consumer pays 'em; + The thing I'm anxious for to learn + Is wot does _'e_ get in return? + + When prices they goes up a bit, + The rich exchequer of the nation + Is bound in honour to remit + Somethink by way o' compensation. + (Tho', all the same, I'd like to see + The bloke as talks of _tea_ to _me_!) + + An' that's a ticklish game to win; + We'll stay exactly where we are if + Them blooming furrin goods comes in, + In spite of our protective tariff! + 'Ha! but we'll keep 'em out,' sez you. + Then where's our promised revenoo? + + If that's the price as must be paid + To forward Joe's Imperial mission; + If we must bolster up our trade, + An' not allow no competition, + By taxing them as 'as to buy, + 'Gawd 'elp our British trade!' sez I. + + + + +'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS' + + + It doesn't matter if I goes + Inside our local Workman's Club + To 'ave a game o' dominoes, + Or drops into the nearest pub; + In 'arf a moment in 'll walk + Some bloke as starts a fiscal talk. + + An' if I ever tries, per'aps, + To criticise this scheme o' Joe's, + There's always some excited chaps + As leads from arguments to blows. + An' then we throws the things about, + Till someone calls the chucker-out. + + They states that England's gone to pot, + That ev'ry trade is lost to 'er; + An' if I dares to say it's not, + They calls me 'Little Englander'! + (On one I 'ad to use my fist: + 'E said I was a 'hoptimist.') + + Nor yet it ain't no furrin foes + As thus belittles Britain's fame; + It's partisans o' good old Joe's + As brings discredit on 'er name, + By shouting out to ev'ryone + That little England's day is done. + + One night Jim Adams sez to me, + 'Ole England's rotten to the core!' + An' when 'e finds I don't agree, + 'E ups an' calls me a pro-Boer! + (I 'ad a word or two with 'im; + 'E's still in 'orspital, is Jim!) + + If them so-called Imperialists + Is blokes as runs their country down, + Upon 'er ruined state insists, + An' tries to blacken 'er renown, + Then I for one 'ud much prefer + To be a 'Little Englander.' + + If wot their politicians styles + The 'patriotic' point of view + Is saying that these British Isles + 'As lost their trade an' credit too, + I ain't a patriot no more: + I'm just a hoptimist pro-Boer! + + I'm not the sort o' chap as blames + Them folks as don't agree wi' me, + But when they calls me silly names + Because my fiscal views is Free, + It don't require no further flaws + To see the weakness o' their cause. + + + + +A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR + + + Altho' my brain is sound and well, + An' mentally I've nothing wrong, + They've locked me in a padded cell, + An' watches me the 'ole day long; + 'Ow did I get in such a fix? + 'Twas all along o' politics. + + I'd studied Joe's Protection plan, + An' thought I'd see what I could do + To benefit my fellow-man + By practisin' 'is 'opeful view + That Exports is the all in all, + And Himports should be nil--or small. + + So, when I stayed with Uncle Bill + (My visit ain't improved 'is manners), + I managed, when I left, to fill + My pockets with 'is best 'Avannahs; + The cigarettes I left be'ind + Was quite the cheapest I could find. + + Yet Uncle Bill 'e couldn't see + That since 'is Exports far exceeded + 'Is Himports--thanks, o' course, to me-- + That was exactly what he needed + To make 'im prosperous again; + 'E merely said I was insane! + + 'E couldn't understand, wot's more, + ('E was a Cobdenite, an' still is), + Why, when I traded at the door + 'Is hovercoat for Weary Willie's, + 'E, not the tramp, 'ad been the gainer; + And yet--could anythink be plainer? + + One day a foreign merchant fleet + Was anchored orf a British pier; + The cargo, mostly Russian wheat, + Designed for himportation 'ere; + True to my principles, that night + I blew it up with dynamite. + + * * * * * + + The jury was a set o' twelve + Old fossils o' the Asquith school; + The judge was one they ought to shelve; + My counsel was a bloomin' fool; + 'E talked o' my 'disordered brain,' + An' never mentioned Chamberlain! + + So now they've sent me to a spot + Congenial to my fiscal notions, + Which, as I needn't say, is not + The same as Devonsheer's or Goschen's. + But I'm not mad, I must insist: + I'm merely a Protectionist! + + + + +THE TURNING TIDE + + + Jim 'Icks was a Tory, ten years back; + An' 'e cheered at each Tory win. + An' 'e'd stand an' argue as white was black, + For to 'elp them Tories in. + But times (an' parties) is changed since then, + An' 'e's wishful to 'elp 'em out agen. + + 'Rat!' sez you? Maybe that's true. + Nor 'e ain't the only one + As 'eard wot them Tories _said_ they'd do, + An' as seed wot them Tories _done_; + An' 'e don't feel noways bound, don't Jim, + To blokes as 'as broke their word with 'im. + + 'E nursed 'is party a many a year, + An' 'e swollered their party tricks. + Just draw up a cheer to the fire, an' 'ear + Wot they promised the likes of 'Icks. + An' I'll tell you arterwards, if I can, + Wot the Tories _done_ for the workin'-man. + + * * * * * + + Chamberlain, 'e was the fust to speak,-- + An', o' course, 'e spoke cocksure,-- + Of a pension of 'arf a crown a week + For the old, 'ard-workin' poor. + (An' many a cap was raised to Joe, + When 'e made that promise, ten year ago.) + + Balfour nex' to the 'ustings comes, + With a scheme for to 'elp improve + Them dwellin'-'ouses in crowded slums, + Where there warn't no room to move. + (An' many a 'ope was kep' alive + By the thought o' that promise o' '95.) + + Then come a plan for to keep away + Them furriners orf our shores; + We 'asn't no use for the likes o' they, + Wi' the crowds at our poor-'ouse doors. + (But our English workmen is still denied, + An' our English waiters can wait--outside!) + + * * * * * + + Ten year ago, that were. To-day + Such schemes is a trifle flat. + 'Twas Election-time, as I needn't say, + When they promised the likes o' that. + An' our Unemployed in their thousands swarm, + An' our Poor Law waits for the pledged Reform. + + Ten year ago, that were; an' yet + We're a-watchin', with 'opeless eye, + Our slum-choked women-folk starve an' sweat, + An' our stunted children die. + An' late an' early, early an' late, + The old men waits at the work'us gate. + + I wouldn't be 'ard on them Tory chaps-- + No doubt as they done their best; + But I can't 'elp thinkin' some'ow, per'aps, + They'd be none the worst of a rest. + That 'undred majority makes 'em slow, + Let alone all the trouble they've 'ad with Joe. + + It's easy to sneer when you once begins, + An' it's easy to badger an' blame; + When the 'ins' is 'outs,' and the 'outs' is 'ins,' + Very like they'll be just the same! + No better, per'aps, but at least no wuss; + An' they can't very well do _less_ for us! + + Wot can this Guv'ment show to-day + But them promises throwed aside? + An' a country's confidence washed away + On the ebb of a Tory tide? + + * * * * * + + Ten long years since they fust began! + Ten good years for to plot an' plan! + An' wot 'a they done for the workin'-man? + + + + +ENVOI + + + PROTECTIONIST! (if you exist) + Whose sympathies I can't enlist, + Be sparing of your curses! + Ah, don't abuse my Fiscal VIEWS, + But, out of pity for the Muse, + Look only at my VERSES! + + FREE TRADER, too, I beg of you, + Whatever else you think or do, + My lack of skill excuse. Ah! + No doubt my VERSE could not be worse, + And weak the rhymes that I rehearse; + But, then, how sound my VIEWS are! + + (Thus may I strengthen--or convert, + And no one's feelings need be hurt!) + + +BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + RUTHLESS RHYMES + FOR + HEARTLESS HOMES, + + By COL. D. STREAMER. + + ILLUSTRATED BY 'G. H.' + + Oblong 4to. 3s. 6d. + + 'It is impossible not to be amused by some of the "Ruthless + Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, nor can + anyone with a sense of humour fail to appreciate the many amusing + points in the illustrations.'--_Westminster Budget._ + + '"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" is the name of a really + charming little book of rhymes. The words are by Colonel D. + Streamer, and the illustrations by "G. H.," and 'tis hard to say + whether words or pictures are the cleverer.... The book is one + which must, however, be seen to be appreciated; to properly + describe it is impossible.'--_Calcutta Englishman._ + + 'Wise parents will, however, keep strictly to themselves + "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Col. D. Streamer. The + illustrations, by "G. H." are very amusing, and especially happy + is that to "Equanimity," when + + "Aunt Jane observed the second time + She tumbled off a 'bus, + 'The step is short from the sublime + To the ridiculous.'"' + + --_Daily Telegraph._ + + 'Another charming whimsicality published by Mr. Edward Arnold is + "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes," by Colonel D. Streamer, + illustrated by "G. H."'--_Sydney Morning Herald._ + + 'The veriest nonsense, possessing the quality that makes it akin + to Carroll's work.'--_New York Bookworm._ + + 'It is difficult to see the humour of-- + + "Philip, foozling with his cleek, + Drove his ball through Helen's cheek. + Sad they bore her corpse away, + Seven up and six to play."' + + --_The Scotsman._ + + LONDON: EDWARD ARNOLD, 41 & 43 MADDOX ST., W. + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + BALLADS OF THE BOER + WAR. + + Fcap. 8vo., buckram. 3s. 6d. net. + + LONDON: GRANT RICHARDS. + + (_Second Edition._) + + 'There is unquestionably a good deal of human nature in the book, + and as an expression of sentiments which have remained hitherto + inarticulate, as a revelation not always edifying, but often + illuminating, of the heart of the man in the ranks, this little + volume is a distinct addition to the literature of the + war.'--_Spectator._ + + 'Racy expressions of Tommy Atkins' feelings in Tommy Atkins' + language.... "Coldstreamer's" verses in their kind are as good as + any we have seen.'--_Academy._ + + 'These colloquial rhymes express the private soldier's views in + his own language.'--_The Times._ + + 'These racy ballads make a book which many will read with + interest and sympathy.'--_Scotsman._ + + 'As good as anything yet done in the vernacular of Mr. Thomas + Atkins. A book for every friend of the army.'--_Outlook._ + + 'Vigorous Kiplingesque verses, with sound common-sense and + genuine feeling. Well worth reading and buying.'--_To-day._ + + 'One of the liveliest books of light verse we have come across + for a long time. "Coldstreamer's" verses are always + distinctive.'--_County Gentleman._ + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN. + + ILLUSTRATED BY F. STROTHMAN. + + NEW YORK: FOX, DUFFIELD AND CO. + + (_Second Edition._) + + OPINIONS OF THE AMERICAN PRESS. + + 'One of the most amusing books of the year. Mr. Graham is a + fluent and ingenious rhymester, with an alert mind and a + well-controlled sense of humour.'--_The Times_ (New York). + + '"Misrepresentative Men" shows so high-spirited a mastery of + words and metre (the result, we take it, of laborious days) that + it will be read with pleasure by the most fastidious lover of + what is amusing.'--_The Nation_ (New York). + + 'Mr. Graham's verses are exceedingly clever, and Mr. Strothman's + illustrations add to their cleverness.'--_The Bookman_ (New + York). + + 'A very amusing little book, by that cleverly humorous versifier + "Col. D. Streamer," whose "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes" + has had such a deserved vogue.'--_Town Topics_ (New York). + + 'The most amusing biographical caricatures of celebrities that we + have read for a long time. There is not a dull line in the entire + collection.'--_The Bookseller_ (New York). + + 'These satirical verses have the same ingenious humour as the + writer's previous rhymes. The book is altogether + refreshing.'--_Town and Country_ (New York). + + 'The hit of the season.'--_The Lexington Herald._ + + 'A most attractively humorous work.'--_The Pittsburg Despatch._ + + 'A little book of really clever verse.'--_The Milwaukee + Sentinel._ + + + + +_BY THE SAME AUTHOR._ + + + PERVERTED PROVERBS. + + THE BABY'S BAEDEKER. + + +NEW YORK: HARPER AND BROS. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fiscal Ballads, by Harry Graham + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FISCAL BALLADS *** + +***** This file should be named 36038.txt or 36038.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/0/3/36038/ + +Produced by Mark C. Orton, David E. 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