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diff --git a/35963-h/35963-h.htm b/35963-h/35963-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5958060 --- /dev/null +++ b/35963-h/35963-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4160 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Courtship and Marriage, by Annie S. Swan</title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; +} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.tdr {text-align: right;} +.tdl {text-align: left;} + +.blockquote { + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.br {border-right: solid 2px;} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold;} + +/* Images */ +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + +.figleft { + float: left; + clear: left; + margin-left: 0; + margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 1em; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +.figright { + float: right; + clear: right; + margin-left: 1em; + margin-bottom: + 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 0; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +/* Poetry */ +.poem { + margin-left:10%; + margin-right:10%; + text-align: left; +} + +.poem br {display: none;} + +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem span.i0 { + display: block; + margin-left: 0em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i2 { + display: block; + margin-left: 2em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i4 { + display: block; + margin-left: 4em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 3em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + height: 4px; + border-width: 4px 0 0 0; /* remove all borders except the top one */ + border-style: solid; + border-color: #000000; + clear: both; } + pre {font-size: 85%;} + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Courtship and Marriage, by Annie S. Swan</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Courtship and Marriage</p> +<p> And the Gentle Art of Home-Making</p> +<p>Author: Annie S. Swan</p> +<p>Release Date: April 25, 2011 [eBook #35963]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau, Stephanie Kovalchik,<br /> + and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="500" height="741" alt="Title cover." title="Title cover." /> +<span class="caption">Title cover.</span> +</div> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i001.jpg" width="500" height="648" alt="Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan." title="Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan." /> +<span class="caption">Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan.</span> +</div> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<h3><i>Twenty-fourth thousand.</i></h3> + + +<br /> +<br /> + +<h2>Courtship and Marriage</h2> + +<h2>and</h2> + +<h2>The Gentle Art of Home-Making.</h2> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">by</p> + +<p class="center">ANNIE S. SWAN</p> + +<p class="center">(Mrs. Burnett-Smith),</p> + +<p class="center">AUTHOR OF</p> +<p class="center">"A BITTER DEBT," "HOMESPUN," "ALDERSYDE," ETC., ETC.</p> + + +<br /> +<br /> + + +<p class="center"> +"<i>Love is the incense that doth sweeten earth.</i>" +</p> + + +<p class="center"> +"<i>Be it ever so humble, + There's no place like home.</i>" +</p> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">LONDON, 1894:</p> + +<p class="center"><i>HUTCHINSON & CO., 34, PATERNOSTER ROW.</i></p> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">New Books</p> + +<p class="center">By ANNIE S. SWAN.</p> + + +<p class="center"><b>A BITTER DEBT.</b></p> + +<p class="center">A TALE OF THE BLACK COUNTRY.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>In large crown 8vo, handsome cloth gilt binding, with +illustrations by D. Murray-Smith. Price 5s.</i></p> + + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">Thirty-second Thousand.</p> + +<p class="center"><b>HOMESPUN:</b></p> + +<p class="center">A STUDY OF A SIMPLE FOLK.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>In cloth, gilt, 1s. 6d., paper, 1s. with Illustrations.</i></p> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<blockquote><p>"The language is perfect; the highest strings of humanity + are touched."—<i>Athenĉum.</i></p></blockquote> + +<blockquote><p>"'Homespun' is excellent, a masterpiece. It is told with + great skill, and quiet but genuine power. The story will + long be a favourite in Scotland, and is sure to be widely + read in England."—<i>British Weekly.</i></p></blockquote> + +<blockquote><p>"Power and felicity are in evidence on every page."—<i>Glasgow + Herald.</i></p></blockquote> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">London: HUTCHINSON & Co., 34, Paternoster Row.</p> + + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + + +<p class="center">TO</p> + +<p class="center">The Loved Memory</p> + +<p class="center">OF</p> + +<p class="center">MY FATHER.</p> + +<br /> + +<p class="center">"An honest man—the noblest work of God."<br /></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i006.jpg" width="700" height="182" alt="Illustration Contents" title="Illustration Contents" /> +</div> + + + +<h3>CONTENTS.</h3> + + +<table summary="CONTENTS"> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">CHAP.</td> +<td class="tdl"> </td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr">PAGE</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">I.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE LOVERS</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-I">7</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">II.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE IDEAL WIFE</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-II">19</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">III.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE IDEAL HUSBAND</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-III">30</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">IV.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-IV">43</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">V.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE IDEAL HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-V">56</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VI.</td> +<td class="tdl">KEEPING THE HOUSE</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-VI">64</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VII.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE TRUEST ECONOMY</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-VII">72</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VIII.</td> +<td class="tdl">ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-VIII">80</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">IX.</td> +<td class="tdl">MOTHERHOOD</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-IX">90</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">X.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE SON IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-X">99</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XI.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XI">109</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XII.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE EDUCATION OF OUR DAUGHTERS</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XII">117</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XIII.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE SERVANT IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XIII">128</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XIV.</td> +<td class="tdl">RELIGION IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XIV">136</a></td> +</tr> +</table> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i008.jpg" width="700" height="216" alt="Illustration 1" title="Illustration 1" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.</h2> + +<br /> + +<h3><a name="Chapter-I" id="Chapter-I">I. THE LOVERS.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 99px;"> +<img src="images/i008a.jpg" width="99" height="100" alt="Chapter 1 decorative initial O" title="Chapter 1 decorative initial O" /> +</div><p>f this truly gentle art we do not hear +a great deal. It has no academies +connected with its name, no learned body +of directors or councillors, no diplomas or +graduation honours; yet curiously enough +it offers more enduring consequences than +any other art which makes more noise in +the world. Its business is the most serious +business of life, fraught with the mightiest +issues here and hereafter—viz., the moulding +of human character and the guiding +of human conduct. It is right and fitting, +then, that it should demand from us some +serious attention, and we may with profit +consider how it can best be fostered and +made competent to bless the greatest number, +which, I take it, is the <i>ultima Thule</i> of all +art. To trace this gentle art from its early +stages we must first consider, I think, the +relation to each other before marriage of the +young pair who aim at the upbuilding of +a home, wherein they shall not only be happy +themselves, but which, in their best moments, +when the heavenly and the ideal is before +them, they hope to make a centre of influence +from which shall go forth means of grace +and blessing to others.</p> + +<p>I do not feel that any apology is required +for my desire to linger a little over that old-fashioned +yet ever-new phase of life known +as courting days. It is one which is oftener +made a jest of than a serious study; yet such +is its perennial freshness and interest for +men and women, that it can never become +threadbare; and though there cannot be +much left that is new or original to say +about it, yet a few thoughts from a woman's +point of view may not be altogether unacceptable. +We are constantly being told +that we live in a hard, prosaic age, that +romance has no place in our century, and +that the rush and the fever of life have left +but little time or inclination for the old-time +grace and leisure with which our grandfathers +and grandmothers loved, wooed, and wed.</p> + +<p>This study of human nature is my business, +and it appears to me that the world +is very much as it was—that Eden is still +possible to those who are fit for it; and +it is beyond question that love, courtship, +and marriage are words to conjure with in +the garden of youth, and that a love-story +has yet the power to charm even sober +men and women of middle age, for whom +romance is mistakenly supposed to be over.</p> + +<p>Every man goes to woo in his own way, +and the woman he woos is apt to think it +the best way in the world; it would be +superfluous for a mere outsider to criticise +it. Examples might be multiplied; in the +novels we read we have variety and to +spare. We know the types well. Let me +enumerate a few. The diffident youth, +weighed down with a sense of his own +unworthiness, approaching his divinity with +a blush and a stammer; and in some extreme +cases—these much affected by the +novelists of an earlier decade—going down +upon his knees; the bold wooer, who +believes in storming the citadel, and is +visited by no misgiving qualms; the cautious +one, who counts the cost, and tries to make +sure of his answer beforehand,—the only +case in which I believe that a woman has +a right to exercise the qualities of the +coquette; then we have also the victim of +extreme shyness, who would never come +to the point at all without a little assistance +from the other side. There are other types,—the +schemer and the self-seeker, whose +matrimonial ventures are only intended to +advance worldly interests. We need not +begin to dissect them—it would not be a +profitable occupation.</p> + +<p>Well, while not seeking or attempting to +lay down rules or offer any proposition as +final, there are sundry large and general principles +which may be touched upon to aid us +in looking at this interesting subject from a +sympathetic and common-sense point of view.</p> + +<p>Most people, looking back, think their +own romance the most beautiful in the +world, even if it sometimes lacked that dignity +which the onlooker thought desirable.</p> + +<p>It is a crisis in the life of a young maiden +when she becomes conscious for the first +time that she is an object of special interest +to a member of the opposite sex; that interest +being conveyed in a thousand delicate yet +unmistakable ways, which cause a strange +flutter at her heart, and make her examine +her own feelings to find whether there be +a responsive chord. The modest, sensible, +womanly girl, who is not yet extinct, in +spite of sundry croakers, will know much +better than anybody can tell her how to +adjust her own conduct at this crisis in +her life. Her own innate delicacy and +niceness of perception will guide her how +to act, and if the attentions be acceptable +to her she will give just the right meed of +encouragement, so that the course of true +love may run smoothly towards consummation. +Of course the usual squalls and +cross currents must be looked for—else +would that delightful period of life be +robbed of its chief zest and charm, to say +nothing of the unhappy novelist's occupation, +which would undoubtedly be gone for ever.</p> + +<p>There have occasionally been discussions +as to the desirability of long engagements, +and there are sufficient arguments both for +and against; but the best course appears +to be, as in most other affairs of life, to try +and strike the happy medium. Of necessity, +circumstances alter cases. When the young +pair have known each other for a long period +of years, and there are no obstacles in the way, +the long engagement is then superfluous.</p> + +<p>But in cases where an attachment arises +out of a very brief acquaintance, I should +think it desirable that some little time +should be given for the pair to know +something of each other before incurring +the serious responsibility of life together. +Of course it is true that you cannot +thoroughly know a person till you live +with him or her; yet it is surely possible +to form a fair estimate of personal +character before entering on that crucial +ordeal, and there is no doubt that fair opportunity +given for such estimate considerably +reduces the matrimonial risk. That +the risk is great and serious even the most +giddy and thoughtless will not deny. No +doubt both men and maidens are on their +best behaviour during courting days; still, +if a mask be worn, it must of necessity +sometimes be drawn aside, and a glimpse +of the real personality obtained.</p> + +<p>It is not for me to say what should or +should not be the conduct of a young man +during his period of probation, though of +course I may be allowed my own ideas +concerning it. One thing, however, is very +sure, and that is, that if he truly and +whole-heartedly love the woman he desires +to make his wife, this pure and ennobling +passion, which I believe to be a "means of +grace" to every man, will arouse all that +is best and purest and highest in him,—that +is, if the woman be worthy his regard, +and capable of exercising such an influence +over him. It is possible for a man to +deteriorate under the constant companionship +of a light-minded, frivolous woman, +who by force of her personal attractions +and fascinations can keep him at her side, +even against his better judgment. But +only for a time: the woman who has +beauty only, and does not possess those +lasting qualities, stability of mind and +purity of heart, will not long retain her +hold upon the affections she has won. I +will do men credit to believe that they +desire something more in a wife than +mere physical attractions, though these are +by no means to be despised. I am sure +every unmarried man hopes to find in +the wife he may yet marry a companion +and a sympathiser, who will wear the same +steadfast and lovely look on grey days as +well as gold.</p> + +<p>I once heard a young Scotch working +man give his definition of a good wife—"A +woman who will be the same to you +on off-Saturday as pay Saturday." Nor +was he very wide of the mark. I have no +sort of hesitation in laying down a law +for the guidance of young women during +that halcyon time "being engaged." She +knows very well, without any telling from +me, that her influence is almost without +limit. In these days before marriage the +haunting fear of losing her is before her +lover's mind, making him at once humble +and pliable, and it is then that the wise, +womanly girl sows the seed which will +bear rich harvest in the more prosaic days +of married life, when many engrossing cares +are apt to wean her from the finer shading +of higher things.</p> + +<p>And here I would wish to emphasise one +inexorable fact, which is too often passed +by or made light of. I do not set it down +in a bitter or pessimistic spirit, but simply +stating what men and women of larger experience +know to be true: what a man will +not give up for a woman before marriage, +he never will after. Therefore no young +girl can make a more profound mistake +than to marry a man of doubtful habits in +the hope of reforming him after she is his +wife. The reformation must be begun, if +not ended before, or the risks are perilous +indeed. She will probably repent her folly +in sadness and tears. And here I would +protest, and solemnly, against that view, +held by some women, I believe, though I +hope they are few: that a man is none +the worse for having been a little fast. It is +a most dangerous creed, and one which has +done much to lower the morals of this and +other days. Let us reverse the position, +and ask whether any man in his right +mind will admit as much in regarding the +woman he would make his wife. If it is +imperative that she should be blameless and +pure, let him see to it that his record also is +clean—that he is fit to mate with her. And +I would implore the mistaken and foolish +girls who entertain an idea so false to +every principle of righteousness and purity +to put it from them for ever, and exact from +the men to whom they give themselves so +absolutely and irrevocably, a standard of +purity as high as that set for them. I +speak strongly on this subject because it +is one on which I feel so very strongly. +There is no necessity for priggishness or +preaching; the womanly woman, true to the +highest ideal, the ideal which God has set +for her, can surround herself with that +atmosphere, indescribable, undefinable, but +in the presence of which impurity and lightness +of speech or behaviour cannot live. I +believe women are our great moral teachers—would +that more of them would awaken to +the stupendous greatness of their calling!</p> + +<p>Love is the most wonderful educator in +the world; it opens up worlds and possibilities +undreamed of to those to whom it +comes, the gift of God. I am speaking of +love which is worthy of the name, not of +its many counterfeits. The genuine article +only, based upon respect and esteem, can +stand the test of time, the wear and tear of +life; the love which is the wine of life, more +stimulating and more heart-inspiring when +the days are dark than at any other time,—the +love which rises to the occasion, and +which many waters cannot quench.</p> + +<p>Blessed be God that it is still as possible +to us men and women of to-day as to +the pair that dwelt in Eden!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i020.jpg" width="700" height="221" alt="Illustration 2" title="Illustration 2" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-II" id="Chapter-II">II. THE IDEAL WIFE.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 92px;"> +<img src="images/i020a.jpg" width="92" height="100" alt="Chapter 2 decorative initial N" title="Chapter 2 decorative initial N" /> +</div><p>ow having brought our young pair +so far on the road, we must needs +go a step farther, and see what grit is in +them for the plain prose of daily life; not +that we admit or hint for a moment that +poetry must be laid aside, only the prose +may, very likely will, demand their first +consideration. If the novels most eagerly +read, most constantly sought after at the +libraries and book-shops, are any sign of the +times, we may feel very certain that marriage +has caused no diminution of interest +in those looking on, but rather the reverse, +so we may follow them without hesitation +across the threshold of their new home.</p> + +<p>And as the wife is properly supposed to +be the light and centre of the home, we +must first consider her position in it, and +her fitness for it. It is by no means so +easy to fill the position successfully as the +uninitiated are apt to suppose; and I have +no hesitation in saying that the first year +of married life is a crucial test of a woman's +disposition and character. It brings out +her individuality in bold relief, shows her +at her worst and best. She has to give +herself so entirely and unreservedly, and in +many cases to merge her individuality in +that of another, that to do it with grace +requires a considerable drain on her fund +of unselfishness. It is even more difficult +in cases where the wife has come from a +home where she was idolised, and perhaps +indulged a great deal more than was good +for her.</p> + +<p>It seems to me that one of the most +valuable qualities the new wife can take +with her is unselfishness. Equipped with +that, everything else will come easily.</p> + +<p>While it is true that she is required, to +a certain extent, sometimes greater and +sometimes less, to take a back place, she +must be careful not to lose her individuality, +to become merely an echo of her husband, +to render herself insipid. It is a fine distinction, +perhaps, but necessary to observe, +because I am sure there is no man here +present, married or unmarried, or anywhere +else, unless a fool, who would wish to be +tied for life to a nonentity.</p> + +<p>The woman who dearly loves her husband +will never seek to usurp his place as +head of the house; nay, she will delight to +keep herself in the background if by so +doing he can show to more advantage. +Even if nature has endowed her with gifts +more richly than her spouse, she will be +careful, out of the very wealth of her love, +not to make the contrast observable.</p> + +<p>It has been said that men prefer as wives +women whose intelligence is not above the +average; but is that not a libel on the sex? +The higher the intelligence the more satisfactory +the performance of the duties +required of a reasonable being; and I would +therefore insist that the woman of large +brain power, provided she has well-balanced +judgment, and a heart as expansive as her +brain, will more nearly approach the ideal +in matrimony than the more frivolous +woman, who has no thought beyond her +personal aggrandisement and adornment, +and who buys her new bonnet with a kiss.</p> + +<p>The woman who looks with intelligent +interest upon the large questions affecting +the welfare of the world is likely to bring a +more wide and loving sympathy to bear +upon the concerns of more immediate +moment to her, and which affect the welfare +of all within the walls of her home.</p> + +<p>I am old-fashioned enough to think these +latter should be her first concern, but in her +large heart she may have room for many +more; for when the outlook is narrow and +mean, when nothing is deemed of consequence +except what affects self and those +circled by selfish interest, life becomes a +poor thing, and human nature a stunted and +miserable quality. I have known, as, I +daresay, you also have known, women +whose whole talk is "my home," "my +husband," "my children," until one grows +weary of the selfish iteration, and prays to +be delivered from it.</p> + +<p>We have of late years had much amusing +and perhaps, in some remote degree, profitable +newspaper discussion on the subject +of married life, and the respective merits of +wives. On the whole, the wife, I think, has +fared but badly at the hands of her critics. +She is a great grievance to some, it would +appear, from the minuteness with which her +faults and failings have been enumerated. +That she may have her uses has been somewhat +grudgingly admitted; that she may in +some rare instances sweeten the desert of +life for her mate is not absolutely denied; +but in the main she is judged to have fallen +short—in a word, she is <i>not</i> ideal. Of +course such discussion and such verdict is +but the froth on a passing wave; still, it +serves to illustrate my contention that there +is no subject on earth of more surpassing +interest to men and women than this very +theme we are considering. The men who +have written on the subject lay great +stress on a loving disposition and an +amiable temper, which are indeed two most +powerful factors in the scene of wedded +happiness. An amiable temper is a gift of +God which cannot be too highly prized, +since those who have it not must be constantly +at war with self. When combined +with these sweet qualities is a large meed of +common sense, which accepts the inevitable, +even if it bring disappointment and disillusionment +in its train, with a cheerful +philosophy, then is the happiness of married +life secured. The buffets of fortune cannot +touch it—its house is builded on a rock.</p> + +<p>It is Lady Henry Somerset, I think, who +has said that sentimentality has been from +time immemorial the curse of woman. +There is a great deal of truth in the remark. +We want women to be delivered from this +sickly thrall of sentimentality—which word +I use as distinct from sentiment, a very +different quality indeed; we desire them to +take wider, healthier, sounder views of life.</p> + +<p>In fiction it is no longer considered +necessary to bring one's heroine to the +very verge of a decline in order to make +her interesting; and nobody now has +much sympathy with Thackeray's favourite +Amelia, and other limp young women who +are dissolved in tears on the smallest provocation, +sometimes on none at all.</p> + +<p>No, we want a more robust womanhood +than that, sound of body and sound of mind, +in order that our homes may be happy and +well regulated, our children born and reared +fit for the battle of life. A well-known +novelist, lecturing recently on the younger +generation of fiction-writers, remarked that +Robert Louis Stevenson, in ignoring +woman so much in his works, had passed +by the most picturesque part of human life. +The contention was perfectly unimpeachable +from the artistic point of view; but we aim, +I trust, at being something more than +picturesque. While not disdaining the high +privilege of giving the romance and sweetness +to life, we would desire also to be +strong, capable, serviceable to our day and +generation. So and so only can we hope to +be the equal and the friend of man. But in +this worthy aim we have to steer clear of +many quicksands; we must avoid the very +semblance of usurpation or imitation.</p> + +<p>Surely we are sufficiently endowed with +our own gifts and graces, so powerful in +their influence, that I need not enumerate +or expatiate upon them here.</p> + +<p>Let us not forget that in true womanliness +is our strength, and that the end of +our being is to comfort and bless and love—never +to usurp.</p> + +<p>What can be more melancholy than to +live with a grumbler, to sit opposite a face +prematurely wrinkled at the brows and +down-drooped at the lips? I have in my +mind's eye, as perhaps you have in yours, +such a woman, tied to the best of good +fellows, who, through no fault of his own, +has not as yet made such headway in life +as was expected of him. And his Nemesis +sits at home, querulous and fretful because +her establishment is more modest than her +ambition, her possessions than her pretensions. +Life is embittered to him; hope has +died: if love follow it sadly to the bier, who +can blame him? Certainly not the woman +who has been a hindrance and not a help, +one whose reproaches, tacit and acknowledged, +have caused the iron to enter into +his soul. It is such women who send men +to mental and moral destruction, nor is their +punishment lacking.</p> + +<p>The ideal wife, then, will sedulously cultivate +the happy spirit of contentment, and +make the best of everything, not seeking to +add to the burden an already overworked +husband may have to carry. It is not the +abundance of worldly possessions which +makes happiness. I can speak from personal +experience, and I could tell you a +story of a young pair who began life in very +humble circumstances, in the face of much +opposition, and who, by dint of honest, faithful, +united endeavours, overcame obstacles +over which Experience shook her head and +called insurmountable. And the struggle +being over, the memory of it is sweet beyond +all telling,—the little shifts to make +ends meet, the constant planning and striving, +the simple pleasures won by waiting +and hard work, are possessions which they +would not barter for untold gold.</p> + +<p>The woman who loves and is beloved +finds herself strong to bear the ills that +may meet her from day to day. We have +much to bear physically, and it is hard to +carry always a bright spirit in a frail body; +but we have our compensations, which are +many. They will at once occur to every +sympathetic and discerning heart, but are +they not after all summed up in the +eloquent words of Holy Writ, "The heart +of her husband doth safely trust in her;" +"Her children arise and call her blessed"?</p> + +<p>And these, after all, are the heavenliest +gifts for women here below, and the wise +woman, so blessed, will always feel that her +possessions are greater than her needs, and +in her loving service, for her own first, and +afterwards for all whom her blessed influence +can reach, will as near as possible +approach the ideal. With God, tender to +Woman always, we may safely leave +the rest.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i031.jpg" width="700" height="221" alt="Illustration 3" title="Illustration 3" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-III" id="Chapter-III">III. THE IDEAL HUSBAND.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 102px;"> +<img src="images/i031a.jpg" width="102" height="100" alt="Chapter 3 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 3 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>he duties and obligations of the +husband in the house are surely not +less binding than those of the wife; he has +to contribute his share towards its happiness +or misery. The ideal husband, from a +woman's point of view, is a many-sided +creature; but his outstanding characteristic +must of necessity be his power to make the +home of which he is the head come as +near to the heavenly type as may be in this +mundane sphere. However wise and wifely +and absolutely conscientious in her endeavour +the wife may be, she cannot unaided +make the perfect home—it must be a joint +concern. The pity of it is we so often see +two, bound together by the closest and most +indissoluble of all earthly ties, walking their +separate ways, forgetful of both spirit and +letter of their marriage vows. This home-making +and home-keeping quality is the +very wherefore of the man's existence as a +husband; for his home with its shelter, +adequate or inadequate, is all he has to +offer in exchange for the woman who has +given him herself. If she be cheated of +her birthright here, she may consider herself +poor indeed.</p> + +<p>There are undoubtedly very many selfish +and purely self-seeking women, who starve +the atmosphere about them; but as a rule +the beauty of true unselfishness is oftener +found adorning the female character than +the male. Nobody attempts to deny this, +therefore when we meet a truly unselfish +man we must regard him with reverence, +as a being truly great. It is without doubt +a more arduous task for a man to cultivate +the unselfish spirit, because the training of +the race for centuries has rather tended to +the fostering of selfishness in him—woman +having for long been cheated of her lawful +place and power in the scheme of creation.</p> + +<p>The quality most of all admired by +woman in man is manliness: she can forgive +almost anything but his lack of courage.</p> + +<p>The manly man, conscious of his strength, +is of necessity tender and considerate towards +those weaker than himself, and so wins +their confidence and love. When he marries, +therefore, he takes a wife to shield her from +the rude blasts of the world; all that his +care and tenderness can do will be done to +make lighter for her the ordinary burdens +of life. Nor will he expect impossibilities, +nor growl because he finds he has married +a very human woman, with a great many +needs and wants. Angels do not mate with +mortals, the contrast would be too one-sided.</p> + +<p>It is well with the man who has in his +wife not only a bright companion for his +days of sunshine, but who in the crises of +his life finds in her heart the jewel of +common sense and the pearl of a quick +understanding. The wife who comprehends +him at once when he says expenditure has +been too heavy, that it must be reduced to +meet the altered finances, and who not +only comprehends, but cheerfully acquiesces, +planning with him how retrenchment can +best be carried out; the wife to whom the +lack of the new bonnet or the new carpet is +a matter of small moment,—she it is who +makes glad the heart of her husband. Ay, +but what kind of a husband? He must first +deserve this jewel before he can expect her +to display those qualities which money cannot +buy, but which prevent marriage from +being the failure sundry croakers would +have us believe. How is he to deserve +her? how win her to this most desirable +height of perfection? By treating her as +an entirely reasonable being, which most +women are, in spite of many affirmations to +the contrary.</p> + +<p>The monetary basis of the engagement +matrimonial is not, unfortunately, always +sound. How common it is for a man to keep +his wife in utter ignorance of the state of +his affairs, thus depriving her of the only +safe guide she can have in the conduct of +her domestic affairs! If a woman is to be +a man's true helpmeet, she must stand +shoulder to shoulder with him in everything, +sharing as far as is possible his anxieties +and his hopes, and by judicious expenditure +of his means aiding him to the best position +it is possible for him to attain. Of course +there are poor silly creatures fit to be wife +to no man, who do not deserve and could +not appreciate confidence, and who are +lamentably ignorant of the value of £ <i>s. d.</i> +But the majority of wives, I would hope, +possess sufficient common sense to comprehend +the simple questions of income and +expenditure when candidly placed before +them. How delightful, as well as imperative, +to go into a committee of ways and +means periodically, talking over everything +confidentially, and feeling the sweet bond +of union growing closer and dearer because +of the cares and worries none can escape, +though love and sympathy can make them +light!</p> + +<p>There is a type of husband—unfortunately +rather common—who begrudges his wife, +whatever her character and disposition, every +penny she spends, even though it is spent +primarily for his own comfort, and who has +never in his life cheerfully opened out to +her his purse, whatever he may have done +with the thing he calls his heart. This +is a very serious matter, and one which +presses heavily on the hearts of many wives. +It is hard for a young girl, who may in her +father's house have had pocket money +always to supply her simple needs, to find +herself after marriage practically penniless—having +to ask for every penny she +requires, and often to explain minutely how +and where it is to be spent. I have +known a man who required an absolute +account of every halfpenny spent by his +wife, and who took from her change of the +shilling he had given her for a cab fare. +We must pray, for the credit of the sex, +that there are few so lost to all gentlemanly +feeling, to speak of nothing else; but it is +certain that, through thoughtlessness as +much as stinginess often, many sensitive +women suffer keenly from this form of +humiliation. It ought not to be. If a +woman is worthy to be trusted with a +man's honour, which is supposed to be +more valuable to him than his gold, let her +likewise be trusted with a little of the +latter, without having to crave it and +answer for it as a servant sent on an errand +counts out the copper change to her master +on her return. There are many little +harmless trifles a woman wants, many +small kindnesses she would do on the +impulse of the moment, had she money in +her purse; and though she may sometimes +not be altogether wise, she is blessed in the +doing, and nobody is the poorer. However +small a man's income, there are surely a +few odd shillings the wife might have for +her very own, if only to gratify her harmless +little whims, and to make her feel that she +sometimes has a penny to spare. It is +quite desirable, I think, that there should +be, even where means are limited (I am not +of course alluding to working people whose +weekly wage is barely sufficient for family +needs), some arrangement whereby the +wife may have something, however small, +upon which she can depend, and which she +can spend when and how she pleases.</p> + +<p>Some indulgent fathers, foreseeing the +possibility of their daughters feeling the +lack of a little money, continue their +allowance to their married daughters; but +there are very few husbands, one would +think, who would care to leave their wives +so dependent for little luxuries it should be +their privilege to supply.</p> + +<p>The labourer is surely worthy of his +hire; and the wife, upon whose shoulders +the domestic load presses most heavily, +is as justly entitled to her payment as +her housemaid, whose duties are more +clearly defined. Some high-flown personages +may think this a very gross view of +the case, and say, perchance, that where +love is there can never be any hardship +felt. But I know that I touch upon what +is a sore point with many women, and I +can only hope that if any stingy husbands +read these words they will try a little experiment +on their own account, and see how +the unexpected gift of a little money, +offered lovingly, can bring the light back +to eyes which have grown a little weary, +and smooth the lines away from a brow +which care has wrinkled before its time.</p> + +<p>The ideal husband we are considering +will also be a home-keeping husband. Let +me not here be misunderstood. No sensible +woman will desire to keep her husband +always at her side, nor can any woman +make a more profound mistake than to try +and wean the man she has married away +from all his old friends and associations. I +am speaking of good men, of course, whose +friends and associations are such as she +need not regard with apprehension. Yet +it is a mistake which many women make, +and it is a common saying with the +bachelors who may miss a certain bright +spirit from their midst, "Oh, nobody ever +sees him now, he's married!" And there +is a peculiar emphasis on the last word +which you must hear to appreciate, but it +signifies that he is as good as dead.</p> + +<p>Now why should this be? The wise +wife, instead of being so small-minded and +jealous, should try to remember that there +is a side of man's nature which demands +sympathy and contact with his own sex—and +also that her husband knew and loved +these old friends of his perhaps before he +ever saw her. Let her try instead to make +them all so welcome in her home that they +will come and come again, and instead +of pitying her husband because he has +got his head into a noose will go away +thinking him a lucky fellow. This is not +an impossibility. It can be done.</p> + +<p>But while this husband of ours does not +give up his old friends of his own sex, nor +abjure all the manly pursuits and recreations +so dear to his soul in his state of bachelorhood, +he will take care that they do not +absorb an undue share of his leisure, but will +prefer home and wife to them all, and <i>let +her know it</i>. He will not be above expressing +his satisfaction when his home suddenly +strikes him with more force than usual as +being the sweetest place on earth; he will +say so just as frankly as he finds fault +when there is just cause for complaint; and +she will return it by a loving interest +pressed down and running over, or I am +neither woman nor wife.</p> + +<p>The ideal husband, then, is no more +perfect than the ideal wife; nor would she +wish him to be other than he is, manly, +generous, kindly-hearted, well-conditioned, +and, above all things, true as steel. That +he occasionally loses his temper, and does +many thoughtless and stupid things, makes +no difference so long as his heart is pure +and tender and true.</p> + +<p>The ideal relationship betwixt husband +and wife has always appeared to me to +be comradeship,—a standing shoulder to +shoulder, upholding each other through +thick and thin, and above all keeping their +inner sanctuary sacred from the world. +What says one of our greatest teachers in +"Romola"?—"She who willingly lifts the +veil from her married life transforms it from +a sanctuary into a vulgar place." These are +solemn words, solemn and true. We have +in these strange days too much publicity—the +fierce light beats not only on the +throne but on the humbler home. The +craving for details relating to the private +life of those who may in any degree stand +out among their fellows has developed into a +species of disease. Kept within due bounds +this curiosity is in itself harmless, and may +be to a certain extent gratified, but the +privacy of domestic life cannot be too +sacredly guarded; the home ought to be +to tired men and women a veritable sanctuary +where they can be at peace.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i044.jpg" width="700" height="191" alt="Illustration 4" title="Illustration 4" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-IV" id="Chapter-IV">IV. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 92px;"> +<img src="images/i044a.jpg" width="92" height="100" alt="Chapter 4 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 4 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>his is the crucial period in the lives +of most married people; the test +which decides the wisdom or the folly of +the step they have taken. Now, when the +irrevocable words have been said, the vow +taken for better or for worse, and the door +shut upon the outside world, if any mask +has been worn it is laid aside and true self +revealed. To some this means disillusionment, +and disappointment is inevitable, +since marriage is entered on from a great +variety of motives, and love is not always +the first and most potent. With these, +meanwhile, we do not propose to deal; +their punishment is certain, since there can +be no misery on earth more hopeless and +more galling than the misery of a loveless +marriage.</p> + +<p>But even ordinary happy and sensible +people, who have married for love, and who +honestly desire to make their home as far +as possible an earthly paradise, cannot +escape the inevitable strain of this first year +of married life. To begin with, it is a trite +saying that you cannot know a person until +you live with him or her; and people come +to years of maturity have formed habits of +thought and action which may, in some +cases must, clash with those of the other +with whom they are brought into contact +every day. Contact, too, from which it is +impossible to escape. You meet in business +and society many persons with whom you +find it difficult to agree, whose opinions jar +upon you, and who rub you the wrong +way, and you find it irksome enough to +meet such a person even occasionally; +imagine, then, what it would be like were +you placed in, or forced to endure, his or +her companionship every day. Yet such is +the experience of some married persons, +who have rushed into matrimony without +due knowledge or consideration.</p> + +<p>But leaving these extreme cases out of +the question, meanwhile let us think of the +test of perpetual companionship as applied +to an ordinary pair who enter on married +life with the ordinary prospect of happiness.</p> + +<p>During the days of courtship and engagement +they, of course, saw a good deal of +each other, and got to know, as they +thought, every peculiarity and characteristic. +Sometimes, even, they had quarrels +arising out of trifles, foolish misunderstandings +which caused serious heart-burnings, +none of which, however, were of +long duration; and the making up was +invariably sweet enough to atone for the +temporary misery, and help to make up +the poetry of life. But the lovers' quarrel +and the quarrel matrimonial are entirely +different; and while the former is usually +but a passing breeze, the latter is more +serious, and to be avoided almost at any +cost. We want fair winds always, if +possible, to speed our matrimonial barque; +we do not wish its timbers shaken by the +whirlwind of passion.</p> + +<p>We have all our little peculiarities, excrescences +of character which are apt to +rub roughly against our neighbours' sensibilities, +let us not, when feeling these drawbacks, +forget our own. We are so apt to +magnify in others, and to minimise in +ourselves.</p> + +<p>It is easy to be on good behaviour with +a person we only see occasionally, even +every day, so long as the cares and +worries of life are in the background, never +obtruded, however heavily they press, because +these short moments are too precious +to be clouded in any way. It is easy to +be unselfish for a little while; to bow, now +and then, absolutely to another's will; to +suffer discomfort once a week, if necessary, +to make a dear one comfortable. All such +little sacrifices during courting days seem +but a privilege, and make up the poetry +of that happy time.</p> + +<p>But the day comes sooner or later to the +married pair, when the prose pages must be +turned, and poetry relegated to the background, +days on which the reality of life, +in all its grim nakedness, seems to banish +romance, and when love needs all its +strength and staying power for the fight. +The common-sense man or woman, of which +type a few examples yet remain with us, +will prepare themselves for the slight disappointments +which are inevitable, when +two people, regarding each other from an +adoring distance, and having invested each +other with many exaggerated gifts and +graces, put themselves voluntarily to the +test of everyday life, with all its prosaic +details, its crosses and losses, its silences +and its tears. It is like making a new +acquaintance, having to meet each other in +all situations, and in various unromantic +and sometimes supremely trying conditions. +Edwin pacing his chamber floor anathematising +a buttonless shirt is a picture our +comic journals have made familiar to us; +and Angelina in her curl-papers and untidy +morning gown looks a different being from +the sylph in evening attire all smiles and +blushes. These extreme examples serve only +to illustrate my contention, that the closeness +of the marriage relation carries its peril +with it. To the man or woman, however, +who marries for that love which is based on +the qualities of both head and heart, and +who knows that daily life, with its rubs and +scrubs, will sometimes mar the sweetest +temper and cloud the serenest brow, +there cannot come any serious disillusionment. +Loving each other dearly, they +remember they are but human; and as perfection +is not inborn in humanity, they +accept each other's faults and shortcomings +gracefully, not magnifying them sourly and +grumblingly, but bearing with them, and +rejoicing in and accepting the good.</p> + +<p>Domestic life to the young and untried +housekeeper is something of an ordeal. +She may have had her own place in her +father's home, her own special duties to +attend to, even her own share of responsibility. +Still, it is an altogether different +matter to have the entire care of a household, +to guide all its concerns, and be +responsible for the domestic comfort of all +within the four walls of the house. Happy +the young wife who had a wise mother, +and came well-equipped from the parental +home.</p> + +<p>There is no more fruitful source of +the disappointment and disillusionment of +which we have been speaking than incapacity +on the part of the young wife to +steer the domestic boat. All men like creature +comforts, and are more keenly sensible +perhaps than women to the advantages of +a well-ordered home. We all know how +women living alone are apt to neglect themselves +in the matter of preparing regular +and substantial meals; and how many suffer +thereby. A good dinner is more to a man +than it is to a woman; and, for my part, I +do not see why it should be necessary to +sneer at a man because he desires and can +enjoy a wholesome, well-cooked meal. It +is a sign of a healthy body and a sound +mind, and the true housewife is never +happier than when she caters successfully +for the members of her household, and +beholds the hearty appreciation of her +labours.</p> + +<p>It is the custom in certain quarters in +these days to decry this special department +of woman's work, and to belittle its importance, +but I am old-fashioned enough to hold +that one of the most essential points of +fitness for the married life in woman is her +ability to keep house economically, wisely, +and successfully. Nothing will ever convince +me that such fitness is not one of +her solemn and binding duties; in fact, it +is one of the reasons of her existence as a +wife.</p> + +<p>Sometimes her worries and perplexities, +at first, resting entirely on her shoulders, +may give to her tongue an unusually sharp +edge, and she may find it a too serious +effort to smile just when her spouse may +think it right and fitting that she should.</p> + +<p>Out of what trifles do great issues +arise! Let not the sun go down upon your +wrath. My advice to the young wife when +things do <i>not</i> go well with her, when she +grows hot and tired over a weary dinner, +which does not turn out the success she +wishes, or when she has been tried beyond +all patience with her "help",—my advice is, +Don't nag. Be cheerful. Swallow the pill +in the kitchen at any cost, but, above all, +don't nag! A man will stand almost anything +but nagging. Don't save up a long +string of miseries, small and big, to pour +on to him the moment he puts his head in +at the door.</p> + +<p>Yes, I know all about it—that the day +has been long and dreary, that nothing has +gone right, and you have had nobody to +share it; but I want you to let the man have +his dinner or his tea in peace before you +relate the tale of your woes. It will make +all the difference in the world to his reception +of it. Try to remember that he has +had a long day too, that, maybe, he has +been nagged and worried in the office, or +the market, or behind the counter; and that +he left it with relief, hoping for a little fireside +comfort at home. Let him enjoy first, +at least, the meal you have prepared or +superintended, then, when you both have +eaten, you will be in a better mood for the +discussion of the little worries which looked +so big and black all day. If they have not +disappeared altogether by this time they +have at least sensibly decreased in size and +number.</p> + +<p>Another thing I should like to impress +on the young wife, and that is the absolute +necessity of being as fastidious and dainty +with her personal appearance after marriage +as before. It is a poor compliment to a +man to show that you care so little for his +opinion as a husband that you can't or +won't take the trouble to dress up for him. +Dear girls, contemplating the final leap, +I want you to understand that you can +afford a great deal less to be careless after +marriage than before; because you have +now to keep the husband you have won. +Men like what is bright and cheerful, and +pleasant to behold. So far as you are concerned +see that you are never an eyesore. +Even if you have your own work to do, +there is no necessity why you should be a +dowdy or a slattern. Even a cotton dress +clean and daintily made can be as becoming +to you as a robe of silk and lace.</p> + +<p>It is a great deal more important for you +to keep your husband's love and respect +than it was to win them as a lover; because +now your stake is greater—in fact, it is +your all.</p> + +<p>To the husband I would say, "Be kind, +be true, be appreciative always. If you +have to find fault do it gently. There are +two ways of doing and saying everything. +Take time to choose the better, the kinder, +the more helpful and encouraging."</p> + +<p>Most women are quick to respond to the +slightest touch of kindness, the sunshine +their more dependent natures require. See +that you, having taken this young creature +from the shelter of a loving parental home, +do not starve her in an atmosphere of cold +criticism and fault-finding. Remember that +she is young, inexperienced, ignorant of +many things, and that wisdom walks with +years. Little things these, you say? Yes, +friend, but great and far-reaching in their +issues even to the wreck or salvation of +a human soul.</p> + +<p>To both in the early days, "Live near to +God,"—His blessing alone can consecrate +the home. So will your last days be better +than your first, and love be as sweet and +soul-satisfying on the brink of the grave, +at the close of the long pilgrimage you +have made together, as in the halcyon days, +"when all the world was young."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i057.jpg" width="700" height="191" alt="Illustration 5" title="Illustration 5" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-V" id="Chapter-V">V. THE IDEAL HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 96px;"> +<img src="images/i057a.jpg" width="96" height="100" alt="Chapter 5 decorative initial A" title="Chapter 5 decorative initial A" /> +</div><p> house is not a home, although +it has sometimes to pass as such. +There are imposing mansions, replete with +magnificence and luxury, which if realised +would provide the outward trappings of +many modest domiciles, but which offer +shelter and nothing more to their possessors.</p> + +<p>Home is made by those who dwell within +its walls, by the atmosphere they create; +and if that spirit which makes humble +things beautiful and gracious be absent, +then there can be no home in the full and +true sense of the word.</p> + +<p>While each member of the household +contributes more or less to the upbuilding +of the fabric, it is, of course, those at the +head whose influence makes or mars. A +lesser influence may be felt in a degree +great enough to modify disagreeable elements, +or intensify happy ones, but it cannot, +save in very exceptional circumstances, +set aside the influence of those at the +head.</p> + +<p>It is to them, then, that our few words +under this heading must be addressed; and, +to reduce it to a still narrower basis, it is the +woman's duty and privilege, and solemn +responsibility, which make this art of home-making +more interesting and important to +her than any other art in the world. Her +right to study it, and to make it a glorious +and perfect thing, will never be for a +moment questioned, even in this age of +fierce rivalry and keen competition for the +good things of life. In her own kingdom +she may make new laws and inaugurate +improvements without let or hindrance, and +as a rule she will meet with more gratitude +and appreciation than usually fall to the +lot of law-givers and law-makers. She will +also find in her own domain scope for her +highest energies, and for the exercise of +such originality as she may be endowed +with. I do not know of any sphere with a +wider scope, but of course it requires the +open eye and the understanding heart to +discern this fact.</p> + +<p>It seems superfluous, after the chapters +preceding this, to say again that the very +first principle to be learned in this art of +home-making must be love. Without it +the other virtues act but feebly. There may +be patience, skill, tact, forbearance, but +without true love the home cannot reach +its perfect state. It may well be a comfortable +abode, a place where creature comforts +abound, and where there is much quiet +peace of mind; but those who dwell in +such an atmosphere the hidden sweetness +of home will never touch. There will be +heart-hunger and vague discontents, which +puzzle and irritate, and which only the +sunshine of love can dispel.</p> + +<p>Home-making, like the other arts, is with +some an inborn gift,—the secret of making +others happy, of conferring blessings, of +scattering the sunny <i>largesse</i> of love everywhere, +is as natural to some as to breathe. +Such sweet souls are to be envied, as are +those whose happy lot it is to dwell with +them. But, at the same time, perhaps they +are not so deserving of our admiration and +respect as some who, in order to confer +happiness on others, themselves undergo +what is to them mental and moral privation, +who day by day have to keep a curb on themselves +in order to crucify the "natural man."</p> + +<p>It is possible, even for some whom Nature +has not endowed with her loveliest gifts, to +cultivate that spirit in which is hidden the +whole secret of home happiness. It is the +spirit of unselfishness. No selfish man or +woman has the power to make a happy +home.</p> + +<p>By selfish, I mean giving prominence +always to the demands and interests of +self, to the detriment or exclusion of the +interests and even the rights of others. It +is possible, however, for a selfish person to +possess a certain superficial gift of sunshine, +which creates for the time being a +pleasant atmosphere, which can deceive +those who come casually into contact with +him; but those who see him in all his +moods are not deceived. They know by +experience that a peaceful and endurable +environment can only be secured and maintained +by a constant pandering to his whims +and ways. He must be studied, not at an +odd time, but continuously and systematically, +or woe betide the happiness of home!</p> + +<p>When this element is conspicuous in the +woman who rules the household, then that +household deserves our pity. A selfish +woman is more selfish, if I may so put it, +than a selfish man. Her tyranny is more +petty and more relentless. She exercises +it in those countless trifling things which, +insignificant in themselves, yet possess the +power to make life almost insufferable. +Sometimes she is fretful and complaining, +on the outlook for slights and injuries, so +suspicious of those surrounding her that +they feel themselves perpetually on the +brink of a volcano. Or she is meek and +martyred, bearing the buffets of a rude +world and unkind relatives with pious resignation; +or self-righteous and complacent, +convinced that she and she alone knows +and does the proper thing, and requiring +absolutely that all within her jurisdiction +should see eye to eye with her.</p> + +<p>It is no slight, insignificant domain, this +kingdom of home, in which the woman +reigns. In one family there are sure to be +diversities of dispositions and contrasts of +character most perplexing and difficult to +deal with. She needs so much wisdom, +patience, and tact that sometimes her heart +fails her at the varied requirements she is +expected to meet, and to meet both capably +and cheerfully. If she has been herself +trained in a well-ordered home, so much +the better for her. She has her model to +copy, and her opportunities before her to +improve upon it.</p> + +<p>Every home is bound to bear the impress +of the individuality which guides it. +If it be a weak and colourless individuality, +then so much the worse for the home, +which must be its reflex.</p> + +<p>This fact has, I think, something solemn +in it for women, and it is somewhat saddening +that so many look upon the responsibilities +that home-making entails without +the smallest consideration. Verily fools +rush in where angels fear to tread! If +they think of the responsibility at all, they +comfort themselves with the delusion that +it is every woman's natural gift to keep +house; but housekeeping and home-making +are two different things, though each is +dependent on the other.</p> + +<p>This thoughtlessness, which results in +much needless domestic misery, is the less +excusable because we hear and read so +much about the inestimable value of home +influences, the powerful and permanent +nature of early impressions, even if we are +not ourselves living examples of the same. +Let us each examine our own heart and +mind, and just ask ourselves how much we +owe to the influences surrounding early life, +and how much more vivid are the lessons +and impressions of childhood compared with +those of a later date. The contemplation is +bound to astonish us, and if it does not +awaken in us a higher sense of responsibility +regarding those who are under the direct +sway of our influence, then there is something +amiss with our ideal of life and its +purpose.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i065.jpg" width="700" height="212" alt="Illustration 6" title="Illustration 6" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-VI" id="Chapter-VI">VI. KEEPING THE HOUSE.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 96px;"> +<img src="images/i065a.jpg" width="96" height="100" alt="Chapter 6 decorative initial M" title="Chapter 6 decorative initial M" /> +</div><p>aking the home and keeping the +house are two different things, +though closely allied. Having considered +the graces of mind and heart which so +largely contribute to the successful art of +home-making, it is not less necessary that +we now devote our attention to the more +practical, and certainly not less important, +quality of housekeeping.</p> + +<p>Ignorance of the prosaic details of housekeeping +is the primary cause of much of +the domestic worry and discomfort that +exist, to say nothing of the more serious +discords that may arise from such a defect +in the fitness of the woman supposed to be +the home-maker.</p> + +<p>For such ignorance, or lack of fitness, to +use a milder term, there does not appear to +me to be any excuse; it is so needless, so +often wilful.</p> + +<p>Some blame careless, indifferent mothers, +who do not seem to have profited by their +own experience, but allow their daughters +to grow up in idleness, and launch them +on the sea of matrimony with a very faint +idea of what is required of them in their +new sphere.</p> + +<p>It is very reprehensible conduct on the +part of such mothers, and if in a short time +the bright sky of their daughters' happiness +begins to cloud a little, they need not +wonder or feel aggrieved. A man is quite +justified in expecting and exacting a +moderate degree of comfort at least in his +own house, and if it is not forthcoming may +be forgiven a complaint. He is to be +pitied, but his unhappy wife much more +deserves our pity, since she finds herself +amid a sea of troubles, at the mercy of +her servants, if she possesses them; and +if moderate circumstances necessitate the +performance of the bulk of household duties, +then her predicament is melancholy indeed.</p> + +<p>To revert again to our Angelina and +Edwin of the comic papers, we have the +threadbare jokes at the expense of the +new husband subjected to the ordeal of +Angelina's awful cooking. At first he is +forbearing and encouraging; but in the +end, when no improvement is visible, the +honeymoon begins to wane much more +rapidly than either anticipated. Edwin +becomes sulky, discontented, and complaining; +Angelina tearful or indignant, as +her temperament dictates, but equally and +miserably helpless.</p> + +<p>The chances are that time will not +improve but rather aggravate her troubles, +especially if the cares of motherhood be +added to those of wifehood, which she finds +quite enough for her capacities.</p> + +<p>True, some women have a clever knack +of adapting themselves readily to every +circumstance, and pick up knowledge with +amazing rapidity. If they are by nature +housewifely women, they will triumph over +the faults of their early training, and after +sundry mistakes and a good deal of unnecessary +expenditure may develop into +fairly competent housewives.</p> + +<p>But it is a dangerous and trying experiment, +which ought not to be made, because +there is absolutely no need for it. It is the +duty of every mother who has daughters +entrusted to her care to begin early to train +them in domestic work. That there are +servants in the house need be no obstacle +in the way. There are silly domestics who +resent what they call the "meddling" of +young ladies in the kitchen; but no wise +woman will allow that to trouble her, but +will take care to show her young daughters, +as time and opportunity offer, every secret +contained in the domestic <i>répertoire</i>.</p> + +<p>One of the primary lessons to be learned +in this housekeeping art is that of method; +viz.—a place for everything, and a time. +It is the key to all domestic comfort. Most +of us are familiar with at least one household +where the genius of method is conspicuous +by its absence; where regularity +and punctuality are unobserved, if not unknown. +The household governed by a +woman without method is to be pitied. +Her husband is a stranger to the comfort +of a well-ordered home; and her children, if +she has any, hang as they grow, as the Scotch +say; while her servants, having nobody to +guide them, become careless and indifferent, +and so suffer injustice at her hands.</p> + +<p>It is such women who are loudest in +complaints against servants, and who are +in a state of perpetual warfare against the +class. Of course this method must be kept +within bounds, and not carried to excess, +thereby becoming an evil instead of an +unmixed good.</p> + +<p>We are familiar with that other type of +women, who make their housekeeping an +idol, at whose shrine they perpetually +worship, regardless of the comfort of those +under their roof-tree. With them it is a +perpetual cleaning day, and woe betide the +luckless offender who has the misfortune +to mar, if ever so slightly, the immaculate +cleanliness of that abode! He is likely to +have his fault brought home to him in no +measured terms.</p> + +<p>The woman possessed of the cleaning +mania, who goes to bed to dream of carpet-beating +and furniture polish, and who rises +to carry her dreams into execution, is quite +as objectionable in her way as the woman +who never cleans, and for whom the word +dirt has no horrors. Although it is doubtless +pleasant to feel assured that no microbe-producing +speck can possibly lurk in any +corner of the house, and to be certain that +food and everything pertaining to it is +perfect so far as cleanliness is concerned, +there is a sense of insecurity and unrest +in the abode of the over-particular woman +which often develops into positive misery +and discomfort. It is the sort of discomfort +specially distasteful to the male portion of +mankind. Although they may be compelled +to admit, when brought to bay, that +"cleaning" is a necessary evil, it requires +a superhuman amount of persuasion to +make them see any good in it. The way +women revel, or appear to revel, in the +chaos of a house turned topsy-turvy is to +them the darkest of all mysteries. It is +long since they were compelled to treat it +as a conundrum, and give it up.</p> + +<p>I think, however, that, with few exceptions, +women dislike the periodical household +earthquake quite as much as men, and dread +its approach. The housekeeper who considers +the comfort of those about her will +do her utmost to rob it of its horrors. This +can be done by a judicious planning, and by +resort to the method of which we spoke in +the last chapter.</p> + +<p>Let "One room at a time" be her motto, +and then the inmates of the house will not +be made to feel that they are quite in the +way, and have no abiding-place on the face +of the earth.</p> + +<p>This may involve a little more work, and +a great deal of patience; but she will have +her reward in the grateful appreciation of +those for whom she makes home such a +happy and restful place.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i073.jpg" width="700" height="199" alt="Illustration 7" title="Illustration 7" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-VII" id="Chapter-VII">VII. THE TRUEST ECONOMY.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 95px;"> +<img src="images/i073a.jpg" width="95" height="100" alt="Chapter 7 decorative initial I" title="Chapter 7 decorative initial I" /> +</div><p>n these days many new phrases have +been coined to give expression and +significance to old truths; thus we hear of +the "sin of cheapness," the fault attributed +to those shortsighted bargain-hunters who +waste time and energy and money hunting +the length and breadth of the land +for the cheapest market. The true and +competent housekeeper knows that there is +no economy in this method of marketing, +but the reverse.</p> + +<p>Of course, where the family is large and +the resources limited, it is absolutely incumbent +on the purveyor to seek the most +moderate market; and those of us who dwell +in cities know that prices vary with localities, +and that West-enders must pay a West-end +price. But it is reprehensible always +to hunt for cheap things simply because they +are cheap, because we ought not to forget +that this very cheapness has caused suffering, +or at least deprivation, somewhere, since +it would appear that some things are absolutely +offered at prices under the cost of +production.</p> + +<p>In the matter of food, so important a factor +in the health and well-being of the family, +it can seldom be a saving to buy in the +cheap market, because cheapness there is +too often a synonymous term with unwholesomeness; +and a small quantity of the very +best will undoubtedly afford more sustenance +than an unlimited supply of inferior quality. +In small and working-class homes the tea +and tinned-food grievance is an old one, but +one which does not appear to be in the way +of mending.</p> + +<p>If the wives and mothers of the working-class +could only have it demonstrated to +them, beyond all question, that a small piece +of excellent fresh beef, made into a wholesome +soup flavoured with vegetables, would +give three times the nourishment of this +tinned stuff, which, good enough as an +occasional stand-by, has become the curse +and the tyrant of the lazy and thriftless +housewife, what a step in the right direction +that would be! The mere salting and preserving +process destroys the most valuable +nutritive elements of the meat; and though +it may be tasty and palatable, it is practically +useless as a strength-producer or +strength-imparter.</p> + +<p>Milk, too, we fear has not its proper place +in very many homes where children abound; +though no mother of even ordinary intelligence +can shut her eyes to the fact that it +is Nature's own food for her children in +their early years, when it is so important +to build up the elements of a strong constitution. +I would here put in a plea for +oatmeal, in former days the backbone of +my country's food, and which has of late +years fallen sadly into disuse, especially in +quarters where its very cheapness and +absolute wholesomeness recommend it as <i>the</i> +food <i>par excellence</i> for old and young. We +have replaced it with tea and toast, to the +great detriment of limb and muscle and +digestive power. It is in the palace now +we find oatmeal accorded its rightful place, +not in the cottage; and the change is to be +deplored.</p> + +<p>Regularity in meals is another thing the +wise housekeeper will insist upon in her +abode. Regularity and punctuality, how +delightful they are, and how they ease the +roll of the domestic wheels! A punctual +and tidy woman makes a punctual and tidy +home. We know the type who dawdles +away the forenoon in idle talk or listless +indolence, and rushes to prepare a hasty +and only half-cooked meal when perhaps +her husband or children are on their way +home from school or workshop; and this is +a very fruitful cause of domestic dispeace, +and at the root even of much of the intemperance +which has ruined so many homes. +If a man has no comfort at his own fireside, +then he is compelled in self-defence to seek +it elsewhere.</p> + +<p>To recur to the question of buying in +cheap markets, the principle that what is +good and costs something to begin with +will inevitably prove the cheapest in the +end is even more clearly demonstrated in +the matter of clothing than of food. The +best will always wear and look the best, +even when it has grown threadbare. Then +when we hear so constantly of the appalling +misery endured by men and women who +make the garments sold in the cheap shops, +we are bound to feel that these things are +offered at a price which is the cost of +flesh and blood. This is a very pressing +question, and one which many Christian +people do not lay to heart. There appears +to be in every human breast the instinct +of the bargain-hunter, and there is a placid +satisfaction in having got something at an +exceptionally low price which charms the +finer sensibilities.</p> + +<p>To gratify this peculiar and morbid +craving, witness the system of buying and +selling which prevails in Italy; the shopkeepers +there, with few exceptions, invariably +asking double the money they are +willing to accept. And to this craving in +our own country is due the system of all +cheap sales in the shops, and mock auctions +in the sale-rooms, in which many a shortsighted +person of both sexes fritter away +both time and money. It is a rotten system, +and shows that there is great need for +reform in this matter of buying and selling, +which occupies so much of our time, means, +and thought.</p> + +<p>All good housekeepers know that those +who buy in the ready-money market fare +best; and besides, the paying out of ready-money +is undoubtedly a check on expenditure, +and is to be specially recommended to +people of small means. It is easy and +tempting to give an order, and though it +can no doubt be paid for sooner or later, +somehow the sum always seems to assume +larger proportions as time goes on. We +very seldom get in a bill for a less amount +than we expect. My own view of the case +is, that I grudge to pay for food after it is +eaten, or clothes after they are worn; and +in my own housekeeping I have found +ready-money, or, at the outside, weekly +accounts, the best arrangement, to which +I adhere without any exceptions. Short +accounts, also, give one another advantage, +the choice of all markets. Thus the money +is laid out to the best possible advantage, +and the highest value obtained.</p> + +<p>All thrifty and far-seeing housekeepers +know that it is cheaper to buy certain +household stores, as sugar, butter, flour, +soap, etc., in quantities, provided there is a +suitable storeroom where the things will be +kept in good condition. There are indeed +innumerable methods whereby the good +housewife can save her coppers and her +shillings, and a wise woman is she who +takes advantage of them to the utmost.</p> + +<p>This art of housekeeping is not learned +in a day; those of us who have been engaged +in it for years are constantly +finding out how little we know, and how far +we are, after all, from perfection.</p> + +<p>It requires a clever woman to keep +house; and as I said before there is ample +scope, even within the four walls of a house +(a sphere which some affect to despise), for +the exercise of originality, organising power, +administrative ability. And to the majority +of women I would fain believe it is the most +interesting and satisfactory of all feminine +occupations.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i081.jpg" width="700" height="225" alt="Illustration 8" title="Illustration 8" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-VIII" id="Chapter-VIII">VIII. ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 97px;"> +<img src="images/i081a.jpg" width="97" height="100" alt="Chapter 8 decorative initial I" title="Chapter 8 decorative initial I" /> +</div><p>n these very words lurks a danger +likely to beset our young couple, on +the very threshold of their career.</p> + +<p>All eyes are upon them, of course; their +house and all it contains, their way of life, +the position they take up and maintain, are, +for the time being, topics of intense concern +to all who know them, and to many who +do not. There is no doubt that we need +to go back in some degree to the simpler +way of life in vogue in the days of our +grandmothers; that pretentiousness and +extravagance have reached a point which +is almost unendurable. We are constantly +being informed by statistics which cannot +be questioned that the marriage rate is +decreasing; and we know that in our own +circles the number of marriageable girls +and marriageable youths who for some inexplicable +reason <i>don't</i> marry is very great.</p> + +<p>What <i>is</i> the reason? Is the age of +romance over? is it impossible any longer +to conjure with the words love and marriage +in the garden of youth? or is it that our +young people are less brave and enduring, +that they shrink from the added responsibility, +care, and self-denial involved in the +double life? My own view is that this +pretentiousness and desire for display is at +the bottom of it; that young people want +to begin where their fathers and mothers +left off, and that courage is lacking to take +a step down and begin together on the +lowest rung of the ladder.</p> + +<p>I have heard many young men say that +they are afraid to ask girls to leave the +luxury and comfort of their father's house, +and to enter a plainer home, where they +will have less luxury and more care; and +though I grant that there are many girls +who would shrink from the ordeal, and +who prefer the indolent ease of single +blessedness to the cares of matrimony on +limited means, yet have I been tempted +sometimes, looking at these young men, to +wonder in my soul whether it was not <i>they</i> +who shrank from the plain home and the +increased responsibility marriage involves. +The salary sufficient for the comfort and +mild luxury of one is scarcely elastic enough +for two.</p> + +<p>It would mean giving up a good many +things; it would mean fewer cigars, fewer +new suits, fewer first nights at the theatre,—in +fact, a general modification of luxuries +which he has begun to regard as indispensable; +and he asks himself, Is the game worth +the candle? His answer is, No. And so he +drifts out of young manhood into bachelor +middle age, passing unscathed through many +flirtations, becoming encrusted with selfish +ideas and selfish aims, and gradually less fit +for domestic life. And all the time, while +he imagines he has a fine time of it, he has +missed the chief joy, the highest meaning +of life.</p> + +<p>The conditions of modern life are certainly +harder than they were. Competition +in every profession and calling is so enormous +that remuneration has necessarily fallen; +and it is a problem to many how single life +is to be respectably maintained, let alone +double. Then the invasions of women into +almost every domain of man's work is somewhat +serious in its consequences to men. +A woman can be got to do a certain thing +as quickly, correctly, and efficiently as a +man; therefore the man goes to the wall. +While we are glad to see the position of +woman improve, and the value of her labour +in the markets of the world increase, we +are perplexed as to the effect of this better +condition of things on the position of men. +The situation is full of perplexities, strained +to the utmost.</p> + +<p>There is no doubt whatever that this +improvement in the position of woman, +the increased opportunities afforded her of +making a respectable livelihood, has had, and +is having, its serious effect in the marriage +market. A single woman in a good situation, +the duties of which she has strength of +body and strength of mind to perform, is a +very independent being, and in contrast with +many of her married sisters a person to be +envied. She has her hours, for one thing; +there is no prospect of an eight hours' day +for the married woman with a family to +superintend. Then she, having earned her +own money, can spend it as she likes—and +has to give account of it only to herself; +and she is free from the physical trials and +disabilities consequent upon marriage and +maternity. If you tell her that the sweet +fulness of married life, its multiplied joys, +amply compensate for the troubles, she will +shake her head and want proof.</p> + +<p>Altogether, the outlook matrimonial is not +very bright. Now, while we deplore, as a +serious evil, hasty, improvident, ill-considered +marriages, and hold that their consequences +are very sad, we would also, +scarcely less seriously, deplore that over-cautiousness +which is reducing the marriage +rate in quarters where it ought not to be +reduced,—our lower middle-class, which +is the backbone of society. There is no +fear of a serious reduction in other quarters: +where there is no responsibility felt, there +is none to shirk; and so, among the very +poor, children are multiplied, and obligations +increased, without any thought for +the morrow, or concern for future provision. +There is a very supreme kind of selfishness +in this over-cautiousness which is not +delightful to contemplate, the fear lest self +should be inconvenienced or deprived in +the very slightest degree; and all this does +not tend to the highest development of +human nature, but rather the reverse, since +the spirit of self-denial and self-sacrifice is +one of the loveliest attributes of human +character.</p> + +<p>That it is possible for two people to live +together almost as cheaply as one, and, if +the wife be careful, thrifty, and managing, +with a great deal more comfort, is hardly +disputed; and surely love is yet strong +enough to take its chance of falling on evil +days, and when they come of making the +best of them. Our girls must exhibit less +frivolity, less devotion to dress and idle +amusements, if they wish for homes of their +own; because at present it is partly true +that men are afraid to take the risk and +responsibility of them as partners in +life.</p> + +<p>And this brings us back to the heading +of our chapter, the subject of keeping up +appearances. This fearful rivalry to make +the greatest show on inadequate means, to +outshine our neighbours in house and dress +and everything else, is really a tremendous +evil, the scourge of many middle-class +families. And what, after all, is its aim +or outcome; what its rewards?</p> + +<p>To begin with, it is a pandering, pure +and simple, to the baser part of human +nature—the desire to out-rival your neighbour, +to be able to soar over him at any +price; and more, it is both hypocritical +and immoral. Hypocritical, because it is +pure pretence to a station which has no +means to support it; and immoral, because +you cannot afford to pay for it, and thereby +suffering is entailed somewhere and somehow. +How many of us number among +our acquaintances (if not absolutely +guilty ourselves), persons who, possessed +of a small and limited income, live in a +large house, the rent of which is a kind +of sword of Damocles hanging over them +for ever?</p> + +<p>You know them by their hunted, eager, +restless look, which tells of inward dispeace, +of worry too great almost to be borne. +Their servants do not stay long, perhaps +because the larder of the big house is kept +very bare, and comfort is sacrificed to +outside show. They never have anything +to give away, and their excuse is that they +do not believe in indiscriminate charity. +And they look back with a painful longing, +never expressed, however, to the days when +they lived at peace in a little house, and +had enough and to spare for man and +beast, and a penny for the beggar at the +gate. The big house is but one thing; the +struggle to keep up appearances is observed +in many other ways—in expensive and not +always efficient education of the children, +in party-giving, extravagant dress, frequent +going out of town, and many others too +numerous to mention. And what, after +all, is the advantage of it? Is there any +advantage gained? You may succeed in +exciting in the breast of your neighbour +a bitter envy which will probably find expression +in some such remark as this—"I +only hope it is all paid for."</p> + +<p>And you never will have any peace of +mind, without which the outward trappings +are but a mockery.</p> + +<p>Oh, let us be simpler! Let us at least +not pretend to be what we are not. In a +word, let us not try to humbug ourselves +and the world at large.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i091.jpg" width="700" height="199" alt="Illustration 9" title="Illustration 9" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-IX" id="Chapter-IX">IX. MOTHERHOOD.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 94px;"> +<img src="images/i091a.jpg" width="94" height="100" alt="Chapter 9 decorative initial I" title="Chapter 9 decorative initial I" /> +</div><p>t is a great theme, which I approach +with fear and trembling; yet—is +the home complete without the child? Can +even an unpretentious book of this sort be +written without some attempted treatment +of the same?</p> + +<p>The first year of married life is often +very full, as well as specially trying, a +record of new and very crucial experiences +such as are bound to prove the grit of our +young housekeeper. She has many things +to learn in her new sphere, both in the +department of ethics as well as of housekeeping. +She has a husband to study, for +even though they have seen a great deal +of each other before marriage, there yet +remains much to learn of many little +peculiarities before undreamed of, which in +the full glare and test of daily life sometimes +stand out with a certain unpleasant +prominence, which both find trying. There +are new tastes to discover and consider, +new likes and dislikes to be studied—in a +word, the situation is a severe ordeal, +especially if our young wife be very young +and inexperienced. Of course she has an +adoring and approving love to aid her, and +all her efforts to please will be appreciated +at their full value, and perhaps a little over, +and that is much.</p> + +<p>If in addition to all the trying amenities +of her new position there be added early +in her married life the prospect of motherhood, +with its attendant cares, anxieties, +and fears, then our young housekeeper +may be granted to have hand and heart +full. That it is a prospect full of joy +and satisfaction, the realisation of a sweet +and secret hope, nobody will deny. There +are a few women, we are told, who do not +desire motherhood, preferring the greater +freedom and ease of childless wifehood; but +it is not of such we seek to write, because +the vast majority agree with me that +motherhood is the crown of marriage, as +well as the sweetest of all bonds between +husband and wife.</p> + +<p>It is the great, almost awful, responsibility +of this bond which makes thinking +people deplore the prevalence of early and +improvident marriage between persons who +seem to lack entirely this sense of responsibility, +and who undertake the most solemn +duties in the same flippant mood as they go +out on a day's enjoyment. The idea that +they have in their power the making and +marring of a human soul, to say nothing of +the influences which in fulness of time must +go forth from that same soul, does not +trouble them, or indeed exist for them at +all. They have no ideas—they never +think. If the child comes, good and well—it +has to be provided for; welcome or +unwelcome it arrives; and is tolerated or +rejoiced over as the case may be.</p> + +<p>We need a great deal of educating on +this particular point, and the fact that a +child may have rights before it is born is +one which presses home to the heart of +every man and woman who may give the +matter any serious attention whatsoever.</p> + +<p>If we marry, then as surely do we undertake +the possible obligations of parentage; +and if we do not see that we are fit physically, +mentally, and morally for this undoubtedly +greatest of all human obligations, +then are we blameworthy, and answerable +to God and man for our shortcomings.</p> + +<p>Heroism is a word to stir the highest +enthusiasm in every heart, and we Britons +are not supposed to lack in that glorious +quality. While not despising nor making +light of that heroism which shows an +unflinching front on the battlefield, or in the +face of any danger, and while recognising +also and glorying in that other heroism of +which the world hears less, but which is +nevertheless very rich and far-reaching in +results—I mean that brave heart which +does not sink under adverse circumstances, +which makes the best of everything, which +can do, dare, and suffer for others, without +notice or applause—there is yet another +phase of heroism of which the world knows +not at all, but which in my estimation is as +great, if not greater, than any of these. It +is a delicate theme, and yet in such a book +as this are we not justified in touching upon +it, reverently and tenderly as it deserves? +There are some—more, I believe, than we +dream of—who, being afflicted physically or +mentally, and who, fearing some hereditary +moral taint for which they have to suffer, +though entirely blameless, deliberately +abstain from marriage for the highest of all +reasons—that they fear to perpetuate in +their own children the weaknesses which are +already so stupendous a curse to mankind. +Oh that such examples could be multiplied, +and that we were once thoroughly awakened +to the solemn significance of the fact that +the sins of the fathers are visited on +the children!</p> + +<p>But when we look around we see the +innocent made to suffer daily for the guilty; +we see children whose lives even in infancy +are but a burden to them, and whose later +life can only be a cross, and we pray for a +great baptism of light on this painful subject, +for a great awakening to that personal, individual +responsibility which is the only +solution of a difficulty which concerns the +future and the highest interest of the race.</p> + +<p>To return to the question of rights as +affecting the unborn babe: the mother has +then so much in her power that she can not +only determine to a great extent what kind +of infancy the child shall have, but also +whether her own duties therein shall be +heavy or light. By attending strictly to her +own health, adhering to natural laws, living +simply and wholesomely, she can almost ensure +the bodily health of the child; and by +keeping her mind calm and even, avoiding +worry, and cultivating cheerfulness and contentment, +she thus moulds the disposition of +the child to a far greater extent than she +dreams of. The woman who lives in a condition +of perpetual nervous excitement and +worry before the birth of her child, who is +fretful, complaining, impatient of the discomfort +of her condition, need not be much +surprised if her baby be fretful and difficult +to rear. Of course this is all very easy to +write down, and most difficult—in many +cases of physical and nervous prostration +impossible—to bear in mind; nevertheless, +it is worth the trial, worth the self-denial +involved, even looking at it from the most +selfish standpoint, one's own ultimate comfort +and ease. The gain to the child is too +great to be estimated.</p> + +<p>And surely taking into consideration the +enormous number of miserable, weakly +babies who have never had a chance, the +day of whose birth, like Job's, is sadder than +the day of their death, it is not too much to +ask from thoughtful Christian women, who +at heart feel their responsibility and their +high privilege, that nothing shall be lacking +on their part to make the child given to +them by God a moral, mental, and physical +success. We are careful in all other departments +of life to try and obtain the best—why +not here? Is human life less precious, +human souls of less account, than merchandise?</p> + +<p>I do not see why mothers should not seek +to impress upon their daughters, and fathers +upon their sons, as they approach maturity, +the solemnity and sacredness of such +themes, which involve all that is most important +in human life. I consider that the +ignorance with which so many young girls +are allowed to enter matrimony is nothing +short of criminal; and I do not myself see +that a plain, straight, loving talk from her +mother beforehand, which will prepare her +for her new obligations and make them less +a surprise and a trial when they come, can +possibly take the edge off that exquisite +and delicate purity which we would wish to +be our daughters' outstanding characteristic, +and which every right-thinking man desires +in his wife. There are many who do not +share this opinion, and hold that the wall of +reserve should never be broken. But the +issues are great, and I cannot but think +that in this case ignorance is more likely +to be fruitful of anxiety and foreboding, +to say nothing of mistakes, than is a little +knowledge wisely imparted by those whom +experience has taught.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i100.jpg" width="700" height="197" alt="Illustration 10" title="Illustration 10" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-X" id="Chapter-X">X. THE SON IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 93px;"> +<img src="images/i100a.jpg" width="93" height="100" alt="Chapter 10 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 10 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>he son is peculiarly the mother's +child, and the bond between them, +seen at its best, is one of the loveliest, and, +to the woman who has suffered for her firstborn, +one of the most soul-satisfying on +earth. I suppose most women given choice +would wish their firstborn to be a son; and +her pride in the boy as he grows in grace +and strength and manliness is a very exquisite +thing in the mother.</p> + +<p>As a rule, a boy is more difficult to rear. +He has more strength of limb and will, +and shows earlier, perhaps, the desire to be +master of the whole situation, as very often +he is. It is amazing at how early an age +a child can begin to discern between the +firm will and the weak will of those who +guide him, and to profit thereby; and she +is a wise woman who begins as she means +to end, and who teaches her child that her +decision is absolute from the earliest stage. +The moment he begins to understand that +though you say no a yell will probably convert +it into a yes, your occupation is gone, +so to speak—you have lost your hold, and +Baby is master of the situation and of you.</p> + +<p>There is no doubt, I think, that the woman +who has a nurse to relieve her of the child +has a better chance than the one who has +to fight the battle single-handed—for this +reason, that extreme weariness of body, +which nothing brings about more quickly +than the perpetual care of a baby, is apt to +weaken the will; the desire for peace at any +price becomes too great to be resisted, and +so the citadel is lost. It is impossible also +for the ordinary woman, who has the care +of a baby all day long, in addition to a +multitude of other duties, not to become +nervous, irritable, and excitable, and the +probability is that the child becomes a reflex +of herself. I know of no more self-denying +and harassing life than that of the +mother of many children, whose limited +means prohibit much assistance in her +labours. It would require the strength of a +Hercules and the patience of a Job. Yet +how many go on from day to day with an +uncomplaining and heroic cheerfulness which +does not strike the onlooker, simply because +it is so common, like the toothache, that it +attracts but little sympathy or attention.</p> + +<p>In one day such a mother may win moral +victories beside which the brilliant engagements +of the battlefield would pale. It is +not one that she has to consider and contend +with, but many; the diversity of disposition +in one family is truly amazing, and affords a +most interesting psychological study. If she +be a thoughtful and conscientious woman +she knows that she is sowing the seeds of +future good and ill, that early impressions +are never erased, and that her own influence +is the one which will leave the strongest, +the most indelible mark on the future of +the little ones she has under her wing. To +this there is no exception whatever; it is +a fact nobody attempts to dispute. Who +shall say, then—who shall dare to say—that +a woman's work is slight, her sphere +narrow, her influence feeble? Have we +not yet with us the proverb, "She who +rocks the cradle rules the world"? as true +to-day as it was a hundred years ago, as +it will be in a hundred years to come.</p> + +<p>But though the anxieties and responsibilities +of the nursery are great, they increase, +especially in the case of some, as +the years go by; though as the boy grows +older his mother may be somewhat relieved +by the wise guidance of the father. There +comes a time when the lad wants to emancipate +himself from his mother's jurisdiction, +and begins to look to his father, +seeing in him the image of what he may +yet become. He will not love his mother +any less, but he will be impatient a little, +perhaps, of her careful supervision; he wants +to be a man, to imitate his father, to show +that he is a being of another order. It is +always amusing to look on at this subtle +and inevitable change, but sometimes touching +as well. It is the strong soul seeking +his heritage, the first stirring of manhood +in the boy, who will never be other than +a bairn to his mother. Happy then the +mother, blessed the boy, who has a good, +wise, and tender father to take him by the +hand, and show him at this critical stage +the beauty of a noble, pure, and honest +manhood, and how great is its power to +bless the world.</p> + +<p>There are some men who never grow +old, who, while doing a man's part better +than most in the world, keep the child-heart +pure within them. Happy are the +children who call them father! The ideal +father (since we are writing of what we all +know to be the highest in home relationship, +we may call him so) will be a boy +in the midst of his boys all his days; he +will share the pastimes, the interests, the +absorbing occupations of his boys, in the +schoolroom and the recreation-ground, just +as he did not disdain to join sometimes in the +frolic of the nursery. He will understand +cricket and football, and hounds and hares, +and know all the little points of schoolboy +honour, so that he may at once grasp the +situation when his lad brings his grievance +or his tale of victory to him. And through +it all, without preaching, which the soul of +the average boy abhors, he will seek to inculcate +the highest moral lessons, thus accentuating +and deepening the teaching of the +nursery still fresh in the boy's mind.</p> + +<p>This is the ideal which we would wish +to see in every home, but the real is rather +different, and sometimes perplexing to deal +with. We have seen homes where the boys +do not "get on" with their father, who +seem to rub each other the wrong way, and +to have no sort of kinship with each other—in +a word, who are not chums, which is +a boy's definition of the jolliest possible relationship, +and which is very beautiful +existing between father and son. But there +are fathers who have no patience with the +boy who, feeling in him the promptings of +a larger life, begins to give himself little +airs, and to adopt a manly and masterful +manner; no sympathy with his desire for +freedom; and who, instead of wisely guiding +all these accompaniments of young manhood +into fresh and legitimate channels, seeks +to curb them, to restrain every impulse, +and to enforce an authority the boy does not +understand, and inwardly, if not outwardly, +kicks against.</p> + +<p>I know many mothers who have difficulty +in pouring oil on such troubled waters, and +who see that the father and the boy do not +understand each other, and cannot get on—and +she is powerless to help. Out of this +strained relationship many evils may arise. +The young heart, bounding with a thousand +buoyant impulses, eager to see life and +taste its every cup, deprived of sympathy +and outlet, and thrown back upon itself, +becomes reserved, self-contained, and morbid. +Then, again, there is a temptation to +concealment, and even to prevarication, over +mere trifles. When censure is feared—and +the young heart is fearfully sensitive—little +fibs are told to escape it, and so a great +moral wrong is inflicted, which can undoubtedly +be laid at the unsympathetic +parent's door.</p> + +<p>The mother, by reason of her gentler +nature (to which, of course, there are the +usual exceptions), is not so feared, and is +made the go-between.</p> + +<p>"Mother, will <i>you</i> ask father for so-and-so?" +is an everyday question in many +homes; and why should it be? Why should +sympathy and confidence be less full and +sweet between father and son than between +mother and son? Nay, rather, it might be +fuller, since the father, being of the same sex, +can the better understand the boy nature, +making allowance for its failings, which +were also his, if, indeed, they are not in an +aggravated form still characteristic of him. +Some men forget that they have ever been +young; looking at them and witnessing their +conduct in certain circumstances, one finds +it difficult to believe that they ever <i>were</i> +young. They have been fossils from their +birth. That is the grand mistake—to fix +such a great gulf betwixt youth and maturity +that nothing can bridge it. It is more love, +more sympathy we want; it is the dearth of +it that is the curse of the world. Yet how +dare we, being responsible for the advent +of the child into the world, deny him his +heritage, starve his heart of its right to our +affection and regard? The Lord sent him? +Well, He did undoubtedly, and His commands +with the gift. There is no hesitation +or ambiguity about the Lord's mandate +regarding little children.</p> + +<p>In homes where this lovely sympathy +exists, anxiety regarding the moral welfare +of the boy is reduced to a minimum. +Where the youth can come to his mother, +and still better to his father, in every +dilemma, sure of advice and aid, he will +not go very far wrong. The world is full of +pitfalls, and it is sure nothing short of the +grace of God can keep young manhood in +the right way; but very certain am I that +parents have much, ay, more than they +dream of in their power.</p> + +<p>Let them at least see to it that they do +not fall short. Let the boy feel that the +home is his, that his friends are welcome +to it, and that he need not go out always +to seek liberty and enjoyment. In one word, +let him have room to breathe and to live, +and the chances are that he will repay you +by becoming all you could desire even in +your fondest dreams.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i110.jpg" width="700" height="224" alt="Illustration 11" title="Illustration 11" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XI" id="Chapter-XI">XI. THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 98px;"> +<img src="images/i110a.jpg" width="98" height="100" alt="Chapter 11 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 11 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>he home is incomplete without the +daughter, the sweet little baby who +from the first entwined herself about her +parents' hearts; and who, as she grows in +beauty, is a source of constant joy and pride, +not quite untouched by anxiety. For when +we have educated our sons and done for +them all we possibly can, they can, as a +rule, stand on their own sturdy legs, and +take their own place in the world, we +looking on with pride if they adorn it well—with +sadness if they fall short. We do +not love them less, but they sooner place +themselves beyond our jurisdiction, and +responsibility concerning them is sooner at +an end. With the daughters it is different. +As the old rhyme says—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"A son is a son till he gets him a wife,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">A daughter's a daughter to the end of her life,"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>words which just express the whole situation. +Even after she marries our anxiety and loving +concern for her in her new sphere quite +equals the old; her little children, reminding +us of what she was once to us, are dear to +us in a way our son's children can never +be. It seems a strange anomaly, yet will +most mothers bear me out in what I say.</p> + +<p>A home where there are many boys and +no girls is a jolly, healthy, happy household +enough, but it lacks something, a gentler +element, which the boys miss keenly, though +they may not even be conscious of it. It +is a great misfortune for boys to have no +sisters, because in the family circle, where +they grow up side by side, they acquire a +knowledge of girl-nature which is invaluable +to them when they begin to take an interest +in that interesting personage, "another +fellow's sister." And <i>vice versâ</i>—girls +brought up in a brotherless home have no +opportunity of studying boy-nature, and +are apt to take a very prim, narrow view +of the same. The ideal family is the one +judiciously mixed, where boys and girls +rub shoulders and carry on their little +campaigns, entering into each other's pursuits +and being chums all round. It is +good for both.</p> + +<p>As I said before, girls, even in infancy, are +more easily managed and reared than boys, +the usual exceptions being allowed; and the +same may be said of them as they grow +older. They are more docile, more amenable +to control, and their animal spirits, +dependent on bodily organisation, are not +usually so obstreperous. It is astonishing +how soon a little girl becomes a companionable +creature; she develops at a much +earlier age than her brothers. Of course +there are great differences. We have the +tomboy, never still, more interested in her +brothers' pranks than in the sober frolics +of girls—dolls have no charm for her; yet +the curious thing is that the tomboy has +been known to develop into the extraordinarily +successful wife and mother, her +very energies of mind and body, when +mellowed by experience, proving invaluable +to her in her new sphere.</p> + +<p>I have often thought that an interesting +article might be written on the place and +power of dolls in the early life of women; +it is such an interesting study to watch +the different grades of interest taken in them +by different children. To some they are +real flesh and blood, treated as such, +fondled over and considered quite as much +as any living baby, invested with aches and +pains, tempers and troubles, and subjected +to a regular system of reward and punishment; +while to others they are mere toys, +which serve only to beguile the tedium of a +rainy day. Then there are the few who +regard them as mere objects for scorn and +hatred; and when they do not ignore them, +maltreat them mercilessly.</p> + +<p>The small girl who hates dolls, and dubs +them as stupid things, is apt to be a little +troublesome to amuse, though it is also +quite possible that she may possess a very +original mind, which strikes out a new path +even in amusement for itself.</p> + +<p>Some little boys who afterwards became +good and noble men have not disdained +dolls as a baby amusement, and you +generally find that the small boy who takes +a kind interest in his sister's dolls, and who +does not spend his leisure in concocting +schemes for their torture and dismemberment, +has the fatherly instinct very strongly +developed, and will in his own home be +tenderly devoted to his children.</p> + +<p>Boys ought to be taught early the beauty +of little kindly attentions and thoughtfulness +for others. On no account ought their +sisters to be allowed to fetch and carry for +them. There may be a system of mutual +obligation if you like, but boys of a certain +age are apt to become very arbitrary, and +to consider their sisters in the light of body +servants. By allowing boys to order their +sisters about, to bring them things and give +in always, you foster a spirit of selfishness, +which grows tyrannical as the years go by, +and paves the way for some domestic discomfort +in a future home which will be +beyond your jurisdiction.</p> + +<p>They tell us the age of chivalry is dead; +and really manners do not seem to be as +they were. The changed order of things +concerning women, who are no longer +cooped up within the four walls of a house, +and told that that is their sphere spelled +with a very big S, but who are pushing +their way steadily to the front in every +walk of life, no doubt partly accounts for +this; still the lapse of that old-fashioned and +gracious courtesy of men to women is to be +deplored, and I cannot but think that we +who have raw material to work upon in the +nursery might do something to restore it. +We cannot afford to lose any of the graces +of life. Heaven knows things are reduced +to a prosaic enough level with us in these +days, when the fret and fever seem to leave +time for nothing but the barest realities.</p> + +<p>As we have already admitted that early +impressions and early training never quite +lose their hold, so if we teach our boys to +be gracious, courteous, considerate always to +their sisters because they are little women, +some women of a later date will be grateful +to us.</p> + +<p>The very advanced of our sex have been +known to disclaim any desire for such +consideration; they want none from the +opposite sex, but only room to fight the +battle side by side; but we who do not wish +to see life robbed of all its grace and courtliness +would respectfully insist that this +reserve should not be entirely dispensed +with. We still like a man to take off his +hat to us in the street, instead of jerking +his head on one side; we have no objection +to the inside of the pavement or the most +comfortable seat in carriage or tram, for +which we have still a word of appreciative +thanks left, though we may thereby show +how far we are left behind in the race. +I wish to make myself very clear. We do +not want our girls to be namby-pamby, +selfish, silly creatures, who imagine it is +interesting and fascinating to pose as weak, +dependent, fluttering creatures; but neither +do we want our sons to be boors, and it is +in the home where manners as well as +morals are formed. So let us not despise +the little courtesies which do so much to +sweeten daily intercourse, but teach them to +the children from the beginning, so that to +be chivalrous, courteous, gentle to rich and +poor, gentle and simple of both sexes, will +become as natural for them as to breathe.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i118.jpg" width="700" height="218" alt="Illustration 12" title="Illustration 12" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XII" id="Chapter-XII">XII. THE EDUCATION OF OUR +DAUGHTERS.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 97px;"> +<img src="images/i118a.jpg" width="97" height="100" alt="Chapter 12 decorative initial E" title="Chapter 12 decorative initial E" /> +</div><p>ven a very young daughter can be +of use to her mother, and her influence +felt in the house, if she is taught +how. Of course, the first concern, when +our little maid gets out of the nursery, is +that she should be educated, and her mental +powers have the best possible chance of +being brought to their full power.</p> + +<p>The education of our girls is one of +the great questions of the day—engrossing +the interest of those in the highest places; +and a healthy sign of the times it is. For +since it is upon the women of to-day that +the future of the race depends, what could +be of greater importance than that all her +powers, physical, mental, and moral, should +be brought as near perfection as possible?</p> + +<p>Do I of a set purpose mention the physical +first? Yes; because the older I grow +the more it comes home to me that unless +we have sound and healthy bodies we can +but poorly serve our day and generation. +Therefore the food the children eat should +be one of our chief studies and concerns; +because if we can send them out into the +world with constitutions built upon a sure and +common-sense foundation, it is the best possible +service we can render them; and one for +which they and theirs will be grateful always.</p> + +<p>This question of education is rather a +perplexing one, which gives parents a great +deal of anxious thought. The present system +is undoubtedly a great improvement +upon any we have had heretofore, and yet +it seems to leave something to be desired. +In the board schools, where the bulk of the +lower middle-class children are educated, +and where tuition is very excellent and +thorough, there is yet this drawback,—all +are sought to be raised to one dead level, +the passing of so many standards being +imperative, nor any consideration given to +individual capacity or fitness. The inevitable +result of this is that the teacher is bound to +concentrate his attention on the dull pupils, +in order to get them dragged up to the required +standard, the bright ones being left +pretty much to their own devices. However +much he may deplore this, he cannot help +himself, since it is upon his percentage of +passes that his status as a teacher, to say +nothing of his salary, depends. Therefore +in some respects the old system of parochial +teaching had its advantage over the new.</p> + +<p>But it is very specially of the education of +the girls we wish to speak, and it is gratifying +to observe that many parents are awaking to +the absurdity of insisting that their daughters +shall acquire a superficial knowledge of +certain accomplishments, whatever the bent +of their minds. How much money, to say +nothing of precious time, has been sacrificed +in the vain pursuit of music, that +sweetest of the arts; which is so often +desecrated and tortured by unwilling and unsympathetic +votaries. It very soon becomes +evident whether the child has an aptitude +for music or not; and if she has not, but +finds the study of it an imposition and a +trial, what is the use of forcing her to such +unwilling drudgery, when very likely she +possesses some other aptitude, the cultivation +of which will be both profitable and pleasant? +How many girls upon whom pounds and +pounds have been spent never touch the +piano when they are emancipated from schoolroom +control; and how much more usefully +could both time and money have been employed +in the pursuit of something else!</p> + +<p>Mothers are beginning to see this, and it +is a welcome awakening. So long as our +young maiden is occupied with school +and lessons, she has not time to learn +much else, since it is imperative that she +has recreation likewise; it is when she +leaves school that the wise mother, having +an eye to the future, will at once seek to +initiate her into the mysteries of housekeeping. +True, she may never have a home +of her own; she may be one of those called +to labour, perhaps, in the very forefront of +the working women outside; but all the same +she ought not to be ignorant of what used +to be considered the chief, if not the only +occupation for women,—she ought to be fit +to keep house on the shortest notice. It +is a woman's heritage. Whatever she may +or may not know, I hold that she ought +to acquire a certain amount of domestic +knowledge, whether she uses it or not. +Most young girls are interested in domestic +affairs, and are never happier than when +allowed to have their finger in the domestic +pie; but in this as in other things a +thorough grounding is the most satisfactory.</p> + +<p>It is astonishing what undreamed-of +qualities a sense of responsibility awakens +in a young soul; how the very idea that +something depends on her, that she is being +trusted, puts our little maid upon her mettle. +Therefore it is a good plan to leave to a +young daughter some particular duty or +duties for which she is entirely responsible.</p> + +<p>This may of course be a very slight thing +to begin with—the dusting of a room, or the +arrangement of flowers or books, or the superintendence +of the tea-table; but whatever it +is, the mother should insist that it be done +regularly and at the appointed time. Thus +will she teach her child punctuality and a +primary lesson in a method, which is the key +to all perfect housekeeping. Of course it is a +little trouble to the mother to superintend +the performance of such little duties, but she +will have her reward in the daily increasing +helpfulness of the daughter in the home.</p> + +<p>Most young girls, if skilfully dealt with, +speedily learn to take a special pride in their +own little duties, especially if their efforts +be met with appreciation. Never snub a +child; the young heart is very sensitive, and +takes a long time to forget. Little changes +in the domestic routine will be introduced +by the wise mother, in order that the work +may not become irksome.</p> + +<p>Where there are several daughters, it is +a good plan for them to exchange their +particular duties for a time. Thus, one may +assist with the cooking for a week, then +change with her sister who has the care +and arrangement of the drawing-room or +sitting-room, or with the one who helps +with the mending. So the daily round +would never become monotonous, and by +gradual and pleasant degrees a knowledge +of the whole system of housekeeping is +acquired, which will be simply invaluable +to her, whatever her future may be. If +the family circumstances demand that she +shall go out into the world to earn her +living by teaching or typewriting or shopkeeping, +the wise mother will not for this +reason relax her desire and effort to teach +her the art and mystery of housekeeping. +True, while she is occupied outside she +has little opportunity to learn it, but "where +there's a will there's a way"; and though it +may not appear at present of much practical +value to her, yet she may marry, or have +to go to single housekeeping, when the +home is no longer open to her. I again +insist that it is every woman's duty to know, +or to acquire some practical knowledge +of housekeeping, so that she may be ready +for any emergency. Her fitness for it will +be a perpetual source of satisfaction to her, +for there is nothing more self-satisfying +than to feel that one is capable; it gives +confidence, strength, and self-reliance.</p> + +<p>One of the very necessary lessons to be +taught a young girl is the value of money. +The sooner she learns what equivalent in +household necessaries money can procure +the better. The day may come when the +tired mother will be glad to be relieved +even of the responsibility of spending, and +when, thanks to her own wisdom and foresight, +she can place the family purse in +younger hands, knowing that the contents +will not be recklessly or extravagantly spent. +Let our young maiden feel that she is +entirely trusted, and that a great deal is +expected of her, then will she display qualities +undreamed-of. She will be eager to +show what she can do; and when the word +of encouragement and appreciation is not +lacking she will be proud and happy indeed. +Of course there are perverse natures, of +whom one is tempted at times to despair—irresponsible +young persons who would make +wild havoc in any establishment left to their +care; but I am speaking of the average young +girl, who may be expected to be thoughtless +and forgetful often, as is the way of youth, +but who nevertheless has the makings of a +fine, gentle-hearted, noble woman in her.</p> + +<p>"What shall we do with our daughters?" +is one of the great questions of the day. +Formerly marriage was their only destiny; +if they missed that, they were supposed to +have missed all that was worth the winning +here. But that old fallacy is exploded. +While still holding that in happy marriage +is to be found the fullest and most soul-satisfying +life for women, no open-eyed +person will deny that a single, independent, +and self-respecting life is far preferable to +the miserable, starved, inadequate wifehood +to which many women are bound. Having +dealt in a former chapter with the question +of matrimony, I must here avoid repetition, +but in connection with this subject of our +daughters we must touch upon it once +again. The wise mother will rear her +daughters to be independent, self-respecting, +and, if possible, self-supporting; not hiding +from them that she considers a real marriage +(not the mockery of it so often seen) the +highest destiny for them, but at the same +time impressing on them that there are +other spheres in which women may be as +happy and comfortable, and where they will +certainly have less anxiety and care.</p> + +<p>The woman who trains her daughters in +the belief that marriage is their only end +and aim, the very <i>raison d'être</i> of their being, +is a mistaken, despicable creature, and in all +probability her daughters will take after her.</p> + +<p>If they do not marry, then what is to become +of our daughters? Of late years their +path of life has opened up more widely and +clearly, and though the avocations open to +women are very crowded there is still room +for the best equipped. That is the secret,—to +bring to the market the highest value +only, to render oneself as efficient as nature +and circumstances permit. I would have +our girls fully comprehend that in this age +of unprecedented strain and stress there +is absolutely no room for mediocrity, and +that they cannot afford to be anything but +the most efficient workers in whatever department +they have made their own. There +is still room for the best, and persevering, +conscientious labour, worth the highest +market value, sooner or later meets its due +appreciation and reward.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i129.jpg" width="700" height="199" alt="Illustration 13" title="Illustration 13" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XIII" id="Chapter-XIII">XIII. THE SERVANT IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 97px;"> +<img src="images/i129a.jpg" width="97" height="100" alt="Chapter 13 decorative initial A" title="Chapter 13 decorative initial A" /> +</div><p>ny little book attempting to treat of +home-life must necessarily be incomplete +without some reference to the place +and power of the servant therein. We +housekeepers all know that this servant +question is just as pressing as any upon +which we have yet touched, and it is one +that is with us every day. We cannot rid +ourselves of it, even if we would, because it +involves so much of our domestic comfort +and happiness.</p> + +<p>We of modern days are filled with a +vague envy when we read of such treasures +as Caleb Balderstone, Bell of the Manse, +and various other types of a class now, we +fear, extinct—the faithful servitor, who lived +in the service of one house for generations +and desired to die in it. Perhaps such +types had their drawbacks likewise, and +sometimes presumed past endurance, doing +what seemed good in their own eyes, and +that alone. But all that could be forgiven, +because, weighed in the balance with a +lifelong devotion and loyalty and love, +they were as nothing. A few Calebs and +Bells undoubtedly still exist, but the bulk +of modern housekeepers know them not, +and regard them as pleasant creatures of +fiction, impossible to real life.</p> + +<p>Are servants really less efficient, less +conscientious, less diligent than they were? +Or is it that we expect and exact more? +Modern life has undergone such a tremendous +change, there have been so many +upheavals in relative positions, that we are +inclined to think domestic service is now +regarded from a very different standpoint +than it was fifty, or even twenty, years ago. +It is no longer regarded as honourable; +those who enter it seem to do so under +protest, the result being a most unsatisfactory +relation within doors. Some blame +education for this; and yet it seems hard +to believe that education, the pioneer of +progress everywhere and in all ages, +should be responsible for such a distorted +view. Some will tell us that this very +dissatisfaction is a sign of the times, indicating +the march of progress towards the +time when all men shall be equal, and no +more lines of demarcation shall be drawn. +Never were wages higher; never, I am +very sure, were domestic servants treated +with more consideration and respect; and +yet the fact remains that girls prefer almost +any other occupation to it. They will stand +for hours behind a counter, suffering untold +tortures from exhaustion and insufficient +food, content to receive a mere pittance, +and subjected to a system of espionage and +bullying far harder to bear than anything +found in domestic service; and they will +give you as their reasons, in general, these: +It is more genteel, they have their evenings +and their Sundays free, and they are not +required to wear the livery of cap and +apron. These are the reasons, then; what +are we to make of them?</p> + +<p>Can we make domestic service more +genteel; give evenings and Sundays free; +and are we willing to dispense with the +badge distinguishing maid from mistress? +These are the questions we have before us, +waiting an answer; in that answer perhaps +may be found the solution of the whole +stupendous difficulty.</p> + +<p>I write under one disadvantage. I have +never been a domestic servant, and I cannot +therefore look at the situation from that +particular standpoint; but I have had for +some years servants under my roof, and I +have my own experiences of these years to +guide me from the mistress's point of view. +During these years I can truthfully say that +I have most conscientiously, kindly, and +systematically done my best to make them +happy; that I have considered them very +often at the expense of my own comfort; +and though I have had no startling experiences +whatsoever, I am bound to admit +that the result on the whole is not +particularly encouraging. I have seldom +found that corresponding consideration, that +devotion to my concerns, that warm personal +interest, which make one feel that +one has friends in the household. I +have had my pound of flesh, nothing +more; they have done the work for which +they have been paid, sometimes well, but +often carelessly; and that is all. When +it came to a question of personal consideration, +of caring for my substance, +looking after my interests as I have honestly +tried to look after theirs, I have been +disappointed, and now I expect no more, +thankful if I have average comfort, and do +not have my nerves and temper tried a +hundred times a day. This I suppose is the +experience of two-thirds of the women who +may read this book.</p> + +<p>Nobody feels more keenly than I do the +monotonous drudgery of a servant's life. +Day in, day out, the same weary round; and +while the same may be said of all workers, +in whatsoever estate they may find themselves, +yet is the lot of the domestic servant +notoriously a dull routine. I often wonder, +indeed, that without that element of personal +interest which is the only thing to make the +multitudinous and weary round of household +duties sweet, or in any way tolerable, +she should do it half so well; but, on the +other hand, when one thinks of her absolute +freedom from care, sordid or otherwise, a +feeling of impatience is bound to arise. +"All found" is a comprehensive phrase, and +it is those who have to "find" it who have +the care, the thought, the anxious planning.</p> + +<p>How, then, can we establish a better +understanding between mistress and maid, +how lift this question to its highest platform, +and render the service one which +will be honoured and sought after, instead +of despised, and entered on under compulsion, +or as a last resource? I confess, for +once, I am baffled completely, and beyond +redemption. I have thought of it long and +earnestly, have done my best with my own +opportunities, and I have no glorified results +to offer. I am as others, worried and often +weary, and grateful for every small mercy +that comes in my way. It seems to me +that we want to enlarge our own minds +and the minds of those we take into our +employ; we need a wider vision, which +shall lift us clean above mere petty and +selfish concerns. That is a baptism we all +need. When shall it descend?</p> + +<p>I am forced to this conclusion—that it is +this question of all others that is absolutely +dependent on the grace of God. We must +have the true spirit of Christianity in our +kitchens and in our drawing-rooms,—that +spirit whose gracious teaching is never +ambiguous or difficult to understand; in a +word, there is nothing but the Sermon on +the Mount will do us any good. Of human +preaching, teaching, and writing we have +enough and to spare—it does not appear to +go home, or to bear any practical fruit.</p> + +<p>We can only pray that He, whose great +heart is open now as it was then to every +human need, will help us to realise our responsibility +to each other, will give us new lessons +in the law of love, and show us that service +is the highest form of praise, and that nothing +is really small or mean or despicable, except +sin and the littleness of human aims.</p> + +<p>All work is honourable, nay, it is the +highest calling on earth. It can only be +dishonoured in the doing. If each one, +master and man, mistress and maid, could +adopt this attitude towards their daily duty +to the world and to each other, there would +be found the solution of the problem vexing +the souls of so many at the present day.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i137.jpg" width="700" height="200" alt="Illustration 14" title="Illustration 14" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XIV" id="Chapter-XIV">XIV. RELIGION IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 100px;"> +<img src="images/i137a.jpg" width="100" height="100" alt="Chapter 14 decorative initial P" title="Chapter 14 decorative initial P" /> +</div><p>erhaps this chapter might more +appropriately have been placed at +the beginning of the book than at the end, +seeing we have in it the root of the whole +matter, the key to all happiness, fitness, +comfort, and peace. Religion is a word +much misunderstood, yet it is given to us +in the Epistle of St. James in the clearest, +most intelligible language,—"Pure religion +and undefiled is to visit the widows and +the fatherless in their affliction, and to +keep himself unspotted from the world."</p> + +<p>It always seems to me that the former part +of the injunction is easier than the latter. +There is so much in the world with which +we must combat, so much that, though we +can avoid in one sense, comes so very near +to us, that it is well-nigh impossible to keep +ourselves unspotted. But though there is +a great deal of evil around us, we must not +be such cowards as to shrink from facing +it, and shut ourselves up in selfish safety, +lest it should come near us at all. This +is not what the Apostle means, for it is +possible to be in the world and yet not of +it, it is written too that "to the pure all +things are pure." What we have to do is +to see that in our inmost thoughts we are +pure, not giving lodgment in our mind to +any unholy thing which if revealed would +bring the blush of shame to our cheek. +But in the high standard of personal purity, +which we may rightly set up for ourselves, +let us not be too arrogant, or forgetful that +such as fall away from purity may have +been subjected to such terrible temptations +as we know nothing of. Let us cultivate +more of that Divine compassion towards +them which Christ showed of old towards +the Magdalene. It is in matters of such +immediate and personal interest that the +spirit of the religion we profess is to be +exhibited,—in a word, we must consecrate +all to the high service God requires of us, +honouring us in the requirement. We are +placed in this world to be happy and useful; +and though we are reminded many times +by personal sorrows and bereavements that +we have no continuing city here, yet the +knowledge need not make us gloomy, or +restless, or dissatisfied.</p> + +<p>In this lovely world, so full of beauty and +variety, we are bidden to rejoice; it is for +our enjoyment and our use, there is no stint +or condition attached to our citizenship of +God's earth. Nature is mother to all, and +has a message for the meanest and most +tried of her children; and it is a message +of divinest love. Through Nature, His +handmaid, God speaks to us, giving us in +the dawn of each new day, in the return of +each season, in the shining of the sun and +the blessing of the rain, grand and practical +lessons in faith, fulfilment of promises which +should mean a great deal to us, and teach +us more and more to trust Him in all and +through all. While we are in the world we +have a duty to it, and those who neglect or +think lightly of the practical and commonplace +requirements of daily life are in the +wrong. What is needed is a deepened +sense of responsibility concerning the +charge God has given us to keep for Him, +in the house, the workshop, or the busy +mart of life.</p> + +<p>It is with the home we have presently to +deal; and it is in the home, I think, we need +certainly, in as great a degree as elsewhere, +all the aid and stimulus religion can give. It +teaches us to make the very best of all our +circumstances, adverse or pleasant; and aids +us to the performance of all duties, however +monotonous or irksome in themselves. It +is not ours to inquire whether these duties +are just what we would desire or choose +for ourselves, had choice remained with us. +Religion does not consist in the performance +of religious ordinances, in conscientious +reading of the Word or the utterance +of its formal prayers; these are its attributes, +its natural outcome, not by any +means the thing itself. Religion is, I take +it, to be a principle, a powerful guiding +motive to direct us in the ordinary affairs +of life, and its mainspring is love. Love for +whom? For the Lord Jesus. And if we +love Him, and truly desire to serve Him, it +will be no difficulty for us, but a natural and +exquisite result, that we love one another.</p> + +<p>Even the enemies of Christ, who deny +His divinity, admit the beauty and perfectness +of His character, and the unselfishness +and holiness of His earthly life. Since +these three-and-thirty years He walked with +men many new Christs have risen, many +new creeds and dogmas been offered for +the world's acceptance; but all have passed +away, disappeared into nothingness, and +Christ remains, the mainstay and salvation +of human souls. His teaching is still the +very best we can obtain for our guidance +here. Take the Sermon on the Mount, for +instance. How perfect it is, how comprehensive, +how full of little things, and yet +how wide-reaching in its limit! There is +nothing forgotten; nearly nineteen hundred +years old, and yet it is adapted for every +need of the human soul. If we could get the +spirit of that blessed teaching more firmly +planted in our hearts, we could make the +world a happier place for ourselves and +others. We are all fond of laying plans for +the future; and there are few of us who do +not at least once a year review the past, +and make new resolves for the future. +Some of us are constantly taking retrospects, +and sometimes feel hopeless. We +seem to be making so little progress in +that higher life which we desire, and strive +after in some degree. In a twofold sense +this looking back may be made profitable to +us. It must always, unless we are very +hard of heart, make us grateful for past +mercies; and when we consider how wonderfully +and tenderly we have been led +through difficulties and trials, or dangers, +or guided through the more perilous waters +of prosperity and success, it will give us +greater heart to go forward to whatever +may lie before us. When we look back on +lost opportunities, it must make us more +watchful of those present with us, and help +us to give to each new day as it comes +something upon which we shall afterwards +look back without regret. The older I grow +the more strongly do I feel that religion is +a matter of daily living—of practice, not +precept; and that unless the Spirit of Christ +animate us in all our relations one to the +other we name His name in vain. And +what a lovely spirit it was, unsullied by any +trace of selfishness, gentle, forbearing, long-suffering, +just to the last degree!</p> + +<p>It is this spirit alone that can sanctify +and bless the home, and raise all common +life out of a sordid groove; that can make +homely things beautiful, and hard things, of +which so many meet us on life's road, easier +to bear. Oh that we had a larger baptism +of it; that we who so long and strive for +it could have it always with us! Human +nature is so perverse, and self so strong. +Yet, even in its weakest efforts, this earnest +desire to live the religion Christ has taught +us will not go unblessed, but will make its +little lesson felt wherever it is found. Because +it makes us more self-denying, more +charitable, more forbearing in every relation +of life, it will make others inquire concerning +the hope that is in us.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"In hidden and unnoticed ways;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In household work, on common days,"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>we may do the Master's work, and make +our homes altars to His glory.</p> + +<p>We want less talk and more action, less +precept and more example, which though +reticent of speech is yet eloquent in testimony +for good or for evil. So, whatever +be our lot or circumstances, whatever our +joys and sorrows, our losses or crosses, we +may with confidence look ahead, and our +great compensation will not be lacking—"She +hath done what she could"; and again, +"Well done, good and faithful servant: +enter thou into the joy of thy Lord."</p> + + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">Printed by Hazell, Watson, & Viney, Ld., London and Aylesbury.</p> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 35963-h.txt or 35963-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/5/9/6/35963">http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/9/6/35963</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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