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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/35963-8.txt b/35963-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..89de1b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/35963-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2688 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Courtship and Marriage, by Annie S. Swan + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Courtship and Marriage + And the Gentle Art of Home-Making + + +Author: Annie S. Swan + + + +Release Date: April 25, 2011 [eBook #35963] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE*** + + +E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau, Stephanie Kovalchik, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustration and + illuminations. See 35963-h.htm or 35963-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/35963/35963-h/35963-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/35963/35963-h.zip) + + + + + +[Illustration: Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan.] + +Twenty-fourth thousand. + + +COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE + +And the Gentle Art of Home-Making. + +by + +ANNIE S. SWAN (Mrs. Burnett-Smith), + +Author of "A Bitter Debt," "Homespun," "Aldersyde," Etc., Etc. + + + +"_Love is the incense that doth sweeten earth._" + + + "_Be it ever so humble, + There's no place like home._" + + + + + + + +London, 1894: +Hutchinson & Co., 34, Paternoster Row. + + * * * * * * + +New Books + +By ANNIE S. SWAN. + + +A BITTER DEBT. + +A TALE OF THE BLACK COUNTRY. + +_In large crown 8vo, handsome cloth gilt binding, with +illustrations by D. Murray-Smith. Price 5s._ + + +Thirty-second Thousand. + +HOMESPUN: + +A STUDY OF A SIMPLE FOLK. + +_In cloth, gilt, 1s. 6d., paper, 1s. With Illustrations._ + +"The language is perfect; the highest strings of humanity +are touched."--_Athenĉum._ + +"'Homespun' is excellent, a masterpiece. It is told with +great skill, and quiet but genuine power. The story will +long be a favourite in Scotland, and is sure to be widely +read in England."--_British Weekly._ + +"Power and felicity are in evidence on every page."--_Glasgow +Herald._ + + +London: HUTCHINSON & Co., 34, Paternoster Row. + + * * * * * * + + + +TO + +The Loved Memory + +OF + +MY FATHER. + + +"An honest man--the noblest work of God." + + + + +[Illustration] + + +CONTENTS. + + + CHAP. PAGE + + I. THE LOVERS 7 + + II. THE IDEAL WIFE 19 + + III. THE IDEAL HUSBAND 30 + + IV. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE 43 + + V. THE IDEAL HOME 56 + + VI. KEEPING THE HOUSE 64 + + VII. THE TRUEST ECONOMY 72 + + VIII. ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES 80 + + IX. MOTHERHOOD 90 + + X. THE SON IN THE HOME 99 + + XI. THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME 109 + + XII. THE EDUCATION OF OUR DAUGHTERS 117 + + XIII. THE SERVANT IN THE HOME 128 + + XIV. RELIGION IN THE HOME 136 + + + + +[Illustration] + +COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. + + + + +I. + +_THE LOVERS._ + + +Of this truly gentle art we do not hear a great deal. It has no +academies connected with its name, no learned body of directors or +councillors, no diplomas or graduation honours; yet curiously enough it +offers more enduring consequences than any other art which makes more +noise in the world. Its business is the most serious business of life, +fraught with the mightiest issues here and hereafter--viz., the moulding +of human character and the guiding of human conduct. It is right and +fitting, then, that it should demand from us some serious attention, +and we may with profit consider how it can best be fostered and made +competent to bless the greatest number, which, I take it, is the _ultima +Thule_ of all art. To trace this gentle art from its early stages we +must first consider, I think, the relation to each other before marriage +of the young pair who aim at the upbuilding of a home, wherein they +shall not only be happy themselves, but which, in their best moments, +when the heavenly and the ideal is before them, they hope to make a +centre of influence from which shall go forth means of grace and +blessing to others. + +I do not feel that any apology is required for my desire to linger a +little over that old-fashioned yet ever-new phase of life known as +courting days. It is one which is oftener made a jest of than a serious +study; yet such is its perennial freshness and interest for men and +women, that it can never become threadbare; and though there cannot be +much left that is new or original to say about it, yet a few thoughts +from a woman's point of view may not be altogether unacceptable. We are +constantly being told that we live in a hard, prosaic age, that romance +has no place in our century, and that the rush and the fever of life +have left but little time or inclination for the old-time grace and +leisure with which our grandfathers and grandmothers loved, wooed, and +wed. + +This study of human nature is my business, and it appears to me that the +world is very much as it was--that Eden is still possible to those who +are fit for it; and it is beyond question that love, courtship, and +marriage are words to conjure with in the garden of youth, and that a +love-story has yet the power to charm even sober men and women of middle +age, for whom romance is mistakenly supposed to be over. + +Every man goes to woo in his own way, and the woman he woos is apt to +think it the best way in the world; it would be superfluous for a mere +outsider to criticise it. Examples might be multiplied; in the novels we +read we have variety and to spare. We know the types well. Let me +enumerate a few. The diffident youth, weighed down with a sense of his +own unworthiness, approaching his divinity with a blush and a stammer; +and in some extreme cases--these much affected by the novelists of an +earlier decade--going down upon his knees; the bold wooer, who believes +in storming the citadel, and is visited by no misgiving qualms; the +cautious one, who counts the cost, and tries to make sure of his answer +beforehand,--the only case in which I believe that a woman has a right +to exercise the qualities of the coquette; then we have also the victim +of extreme shyness, who would never come to the point at all without a +little assistance from the other side. There are other types,--the +schemer and the self-seeker, whose matrimonial ventures are only +intended to advance worldly interests. We need not begin to dissect +them--it would not be a profitable occupation. + +Well, while not seeking or attempting to lay down rules or offer any +proposition as final, there are sundry large and general principles +which may be touched upon to aid us in looking at this interesting +subject from a sympathetic and common-sense point of view. + +Most people, looking back, think their own romance the most beautiful in +the world, even if it sometimes lacked that dignity which the onlooker +thought desirable. + +It is a crisis in the life of a young maiden when she becomes conscious +for the first time that she is an object of special interest to a member +of the opposite sex; that interest being conveyed in a thousand delicate +yet unmistakable ways, which cause a strange flutter at her heart, and +make her examine her own feelings to find whether there be a responsive +chord. The modest, sensible, womanly girl, who is not yet extinct, in +spite of sundry croakers, will know much better than anybody can tell +her how to adjust her own conduct at this crisis in her life. Her own +innate delicacy and niceness of perception will guide her how to act, +and if the attentions be acceptable to her she will give just the right +meed of encouragement, so that the course of true love may run smoothly +towards consummation. Of course the usual squalls and cross currents +must be looked for--else would that delightful period of life be robbed +of its chief zest and charm, to say nothing of the unhappy novelist's +occupation, which would undoubtedly be gone for ever. + +There have occasionally been discussions as to the desirability of long +engagements, and there are sufficient arguments both for and against; +but the best course appears to be, as in most other affairs of life, to +try and strike the happy medium. Of necessity, circumstances alter +cases. When the young pair have known each other for a long period of +years, and there are no obstacles in the way, the long engagement is +then superfluous. + +But in cases where an attachment arises out of a very brief +acquaintance, I should think it desirable that some little time should +be given for the pair to know something of each other before incurring +the serious responsibility of life together. Of course it is true that +you cannot thoroughly know a person till you live with him or her; yet +it is surely possible to form a fair estimate of personal character +before entering on that crucial ordeal, and there is no doubt that fair +opportunity given for such estimate considerably reduces the matrimonial +risk. That the risk is great and serious even the most giddy and +thoughtless will not deny. No doubt both men and maidens are on their +best behaviour during courting days; still, if a mask be worn, it must +of necessity sometimes be drawn aside, and a glimpse of the real +personality obtained. + +It is not for me to say what should or should not be the conduct of a +young man during his period of probation, though of course I may be +allowed my own ideas concerning it. One thing, however, is very sure, +and that is, that if he truly and whole-heartedly love the woman he +desires to make his wife, this pure and ennobling passion, which I +believe to be a "means of grace" to every man, will arouse all that is +best and purest and highest in him,--that is, if the woman be worthy his +regard, and capable of exercising such an influence over him. It is +possible for a man to deteriorate under the constant companionship of a +light-minded, frivolous woman, who by force of her personal attractions +and fascinations can keep him at her side, even against his better +judgment. But only for a time: the woman who has beauty only, and does +not possess those lasting qualities, stability of mind and purity of +heart, will not long retain her hold upon the affections she has won. +I will do men credit to believe that they desire something more in a +wife than mere physical attractions, though these are by no means to be +despised. I am sure every unmarried man hopes to find in the wife he may +yet marry a companion and a sympathiser, who will wear the same +steadfast and lovely look on grey days as well as gold. + +I once heard a young Scotch working man give his definition of a good +wife--"A woman who will be the same to you on off-Saturday as pay +Saturday." Nor was he very wide of the mark. I have no sort of +hesitation in laying down a law for the guidance of young women during +that halcyon time "being engaged." She knows very well, without any +telling from me, that her influence is almost without limit. In these +days before marriage the haunting fear of losing her is before her +lover's mind, making him at once humble and pliable, and it is then +that the wise, womanly girl sows the seed which will bear rich harvest +in the more prosaic days of married life, when many engrossing cares are +apt to wean her from the finer shading of higher things. + +And here I would wish to emphasise one inexorable fact, which is too +often passed by or made light of. I do not set it down in a bitter or +pessimistic spirit, but simply stating what men and women of larger +experience know to be true: what a man will not give up for a woman +before marriage, he never will after. Therefore no young girl can make a +more profound mistake than to marry a man of doubtful habits in the hope +of reforming him after she is his wife. The reformation must be begun, +if not ended before, or the risks are perilous indeed. She will probably +repent her folly in sadness and tears. And here I would protest, and +solemnly, against that view, held by some women, I believe, though I +hope they are few: that a man is none the worse for having been a little +fast. It is a most dangerous creed, and one which has done much to lower +the morals of this and other days. Let us reverse the position, and ask +whether any man in his right mind will admit as much in regarding the +woman he would make his wife. If it is imperative that she should be +blameless and pure, let him see to it that his record also is +clean--that he is fit to mate with her. And I would implore the mistaken +and foolish girls who entertain an idea so false to every principle of +righteousness and purity to put it from them for ever, and exact from +the men to whom they give themselves so absolutely and irrevocably, a +standard of purity as high as that set for them. I speak strongly on +this subject because it is one on which I feel so very strongly. There +is no necessity for priggishness or preaching; the womanly woman, true +to the highest ideal, the ideal which God has set for her, can surround +herself with that atmosphere, indescribable, undefinable, but in the +presence of which impurity and lightness of speech or behaviour cannot +live. I believe women are our great moral teachers--would that more of +them would awaken to the stupendous greatness of their calling! + +Love is the most wonderful educator in the world; it opens up worlds and +possibilities undreamed of to those to whom it comes, the gift of God. I +am speaking of love which is worthy of the name, not of its many +counterfeits. The genuine article only, based upon respect and esteem, +can stand the test of time, the wear and tear of life; the love which is +the wine of life, more stimulating and more heart-inspiring when the +days are dark than at any other time,--the love which rises to the +occasion, and which many waters cannot quench. + +Blessed be God that it is still as possible to us men and women of +to-day as to the pair that dwelt in Eden! + + + + +[Illustration] + +II. + +_THE IDEAL WIFE._ + + +Now having brought our young pair so far on the road, we must needs go a +step farther, and see what grit is in them for the plain prose of daily +life; not that we admit or hint for a moment that poetry must be laid +aside, only the prose may, very likely will, demand their first +consideration. If the novels most eagerly read, most constantly sought +after at the libraries and book-shops, are any sign of the times, we may +feel very certain that marriage has caused no diminution of interest in +those looking on, but rather the reverse, so we may follow them without +hesitation across the threshold of their new home. + +And as the wife is properly supposed to be the light and centre of the +home, we must first consider her position in it, and her fitness for it. +It is by no means so easy to fill the position successfully as the +uninitiated are apt to suppose; and I have no hesitation in saying that +the first year of married life is a crucial test of a woman's +disposition and character. It brings out her individuality in bold +relief, shows her at her worst and best. She has to give herself so +entirely and unreservedly, and in many cases to merge her individuality +in that of another, that to do it with grace requires a considerable +drain on her fund of unselfishness. It is even more difficult in cases +where the wife has come from a home where she was idolised, and perhaps +indulged a great deal more than was good for her. + +It seems to me that one of the most valuable qualities the new wife can +take with her is unselfishness. Equipped with that, everything else will +come easily. + +While it is true that she is required, to a certain extent, sometimes +greater and sometimes less, to take a back place, she must be careful +not to lose her individuality, to become merely an echo of her husband, +to render herself insipid. It is a fine distinction, perhaps, but +necessary to observe, because I am sure there is no man here present, +married or unmarried, or anywhere else, unless a fool, who would wish to +be tied for life to a nonentity. + +The woman who dearly loves her husband will never seek to usurp his +place as head of the house; nay, she will delight to keep herself in the +background if by so doing he can show to more advantage. Even if nature +has endowed her with gifts more richly than her spouse, she will be +careful, out of the very wealth of her love, not to make the contrast +observable. + +It has been said that men prefer as wives women whose intelligence is +not above the average; but is that not a libel on the sex? The higher +the intelligence the more satisfactory the performance of the duties +required of a reasonable being; and I would therefore insist that the +woman of large brain power, provided she has well-balanced judgment, and +a heart as expansive as her brain, will more nearly approach the ideal +in matrimony than the more frivolous woman, who has no thought beyond +her personal aggrandisement and adornment, and who buys her new bonnet +with a kiss. + +The woman who looks with intelligent interest upon the large questions +affecting the welfare of the world is likely to bring a more wide and +loving sympathy to bear upon the concerns of more immediate moment to +her, and which affect the welfare of all within the walls of her home. + +I am old-fashioned enough to think these latter should be her first +concern, but in her large heart she may have room for many more; for +when the outlook is narrow and mean, when nothing is deemed of +consequence except what affects self and those circled by selfish +interest, life becomes a poor thing, and human nature a stunted and +miserable quality. I have known, as, I daresay, you also have known, +women whose whole talk is "my home," "my husband," "my children," until +one grows weary of the selfish iteration, and prays to be delivered from +it. + +We have of late years had much amusing and perhaps, in some remote +degree, profitable newspaper discussion on the subject of married life, +and the respective merits of wives. On the whole, the wife, I think, has +fared but badly at the hands of her critics. She is a great grievance to +some, it would appear, from the minuteness with which her faults and +failings have been enumerated. That she may have her uses has been +somewhat grudgingly admitted; that she may in some rare instances +sweeten the desert of life for her mate is not absolutely denied; but in +the main she is judged to have fallen short--in a word, she is _not_ +ideal. Of course such discussion and such verdict is but the froth on a +passing wave; still, it serves to illustrate my contention that there is +no subject on earth of more surpassing interest to men and women than +this very theme we are considering. The men who have written on the +subject lay great stress on a loving disposition and an amiable temper, +which are indeed two most powerful factors in the scene of wedded +happiness. An amiable temper is a gift of God which cannot be too highly +prized, since those who have it not must be constantly at war with self. +When combined with these sweet qualities is a large meed of common +sense, which accepts the inevitable, even if it bring disappointment and +disillusionment in its train, with a cheerful philosophy, then is the +happiness of married life secured. The buffets of fortune cannot touch +it--its house is builded on a rock. + +It is Lady Henry Somerset, I think, who has said that sentimentality +has been from time immemorial the curse of woman. There is a great deal +of truth in the remark. We want women to be delivered from this sickly +thrall of sentimentality--which word I use as distinct from sentiment, a +very different quality indeed; we desire them to take wider, healthier, +sounder views of life. + +In fiction it is no longer considered necessary to bring one's heroine +to the very verge of a decline in order to make her interesting; and +nobody now has much sympathy with Thackeray's favourite Amelia, and +other limp young women who are dissolved in tears on the smallest +provocation, sometimes on none at all. + +No, we want a more robust womanhood than that, sound of body and sound +of mind, in order that our homes may be happy and well regulated, our +children born and reared fit for the battle of life. A well-known +novelist, lecturing recently on the younger generation of +fiction-writers, remarked that Robert Louis Stevenson, in ignoring +woman so much in his works, had passed by the most picturesque part of +human life. The contention was perfectly unimpeachable from the artistic +point of view; but we aim, I trust, at being something more than +picturesque. While not disdaining the high privilege of giving the +romance and sweetness to life, we would desire also to be strong, +capable, serviceable to our day and generation. So and so only can we +hope to be the equal and the friend of man. But in this worthy aim we +have to steer clear of many quicksands; we must avoid the very semblance +of usurpation or imitation. + +Surely we are sufficiently endowed with our own gifts and graces, so +powerful in their influence, that I need not enumerate or expatiate upon +them here. + +Let us not forget that in true womanliness is our strength, and that the +end of our being is to comfort and bless and love--never to usurp. + +What can be more melancholy than to live with a grumbler, to sit +opposite a face prematurely wrinkled at the brows and down-drooped at +the lips? I have in my mind's eye, as perhaps you have in yours, such a +woman, tied to the best of good fellows, who, through no fault of his +own, has not as yet made such headway in life as was expected of him. +And his Nemesis sits at home, querulous and fretful because her +establishment is more modest than her ambition, her possessions than her +pretensions. Life is embittered to him; hope has died: if love follow it +sadly to the bier, who can blame him? Certainly not the woman who has +been a hindrance and not a help, one whose reproaches, tacit and +acknowledged, have caused the iron to enter into his soul. It is such +women who send men to mental and moral destruction, nor is their +punishment lacking. + +The ideal wife, then, will sedulously cultivate the happy spirit of +contentment, and make the best of everything, not seeking to add to the +burden an already overworked husband may have to carry. It is not the +abundance of worldly possessions which makes happiness. I can speak from +personal experience, and I could tell you a story of a young pair who +began life in very humble circumstances, in the face of much opposition, +and who, by dint of honest, faithful, united endeavours, overcame +obstacles over which Experience shook her head and called +insurmountable. And the struggle being over, the memory of it is sweet +beyond all telling,--the little shifts to make ends meet, the constant +planning and striving, the simple pleasures won by waiting and hard +work, are possessions which they would not barter for untold gold. + +The woman who loves and is beloved finds herself strong to bear the ills +that may meet her from day to day. We have much to bear physically, and +it is hard to carry always a bright spirit in a frail body; but we have +our compensations, which are many. They will at once occur to every +sympathetic and discerning heart, but are they not after all summed up +in the eloquent words of Holy Writ, "The heart of her husband doth +safely trust in her;" "Her children arise and call her blessed"? + +And these, after all, are the heavenliest gifts for women here below, +and the wise woman, so blessed, will always feel that her possessions +are greater than her needs, and in her loving service, for her own +first, and afterwards for all whom her blessed influence can reach, will +as near as possible approach the ideal. With God, tender to Woman +always, we may safely leave the rest. + + + + +[Illustration] + +III. + +_THE IDEAL HUSBAND._ + + +The duties and obligations of the husband in the house are surely not +less binding than those of the wife; he has to contribute his share +towards its happiness or misery. The ideal husband, from a woman's point +of view, is a many-sided creature; but his outstanding characteristic +must of necessity be his power to make the home of which he is the head +come as near to the heavenly type as may be in this mundane sphere. +However wise and wifely and absolutely conscientious in her endeavour +the wife may be, she cannot unaided make the perfect home--it must be a +joint concern. The pity of it is we so often see two, bound together by +the closest and most indissoluble of all earthly ties, walking their +separate ways, forgetful of both spirit and letter of their marriage +vows. This home-making and home-keeping quality is the very wherefore of +the man's existence as a husband; for his home with its shelter, +adequate or inadequate, is all he has to offer in exchange for the woman +who has given him herself. If she be cheated of her birthright here, she +may consider herself poor indeed. + +There are undoubtedly very many selfish and purely self-seeking women, +who starve the atmosphere about them; but as a rule the beauty of true +unselfishness is oftener found adorning the female character than the +male. Nobody attempts to deny this, therefore when we meet a truly +unselfish man we must regard him with reverence, as a being truly great. +It is without doubt a more arduous task for a man to cultivate the +unselfish spirit, because the training of the race for centuries has +rather tended to the fostering of selfishness in him--woman having for +long been cheated of her lawful place and power in the scheme of +creation. + +The quality most of all admired by woman in man is manliness: she can +forgive almost anything but his lack of courage. + +The manly man, conscious of his strength, is of necessity tender and +considerate towards those weaker than himself, and so wins their +confidence and love. When he marries, therefore, he takes a wife to +shield her from the rude blasts of the world; all that his care and +tenderness can do will be done to make lighter for her the ordinary +burdens of life. Nor will he expect impossibilities, nor growl because +he finds he has married a very human woman, with a great many needs and +wants. Angels do not mate with mortals, the contrast would be too +one-sided. + +It is well with the man who has in his wife not only a bright companion +for his days of sunshine, but who in the crises of his life finds in her +heart the jewel of common sense and the pearl of a quick understanding. +The wife who comprehends him at once when he says expenditure has been +too heavy, that it must be reduced to meet the altered finances, and who +not only comprehends, but cheerfully acquiesces, planning with him how +retrenchment can best be carried out; the wife to whom the lack of the +new bonnet or the new carpet is a matter of small moment,--she it is who +makes glad the heart of her husband. Ay, but what kind of a husband? He +must first deserve this jewel before he can expect her to display those +qualities which money cannot buy, but which prevent marriage from being +the failure sundry croakers would have us believe. How is he to deserve +her? how win her to this most desirable height of perfection? By +treating her as an entirely reasonable being, which most women are, in +spite of many affirmations to the contrary. + +The monetary basis of the engagement matrimonial is not, unfortunately, +always sound. How common it is for a man to keep his wife in utter +ignorance of the state of his affairs, thus depriving her of the only +safe guide she can have in the conduct of her domestic affairs! If a +woman is to be a man's true helpmeet, she must stand shoulder to +shoulder with him in everything, sharing as far as is possible his +anxieties and his hopes, and by judicious expenditure of his means +aiding him to the best position it is possible for him to attain. Of +course there are poor silly creatures fit to be wife to no man, who do +not deserve and could not appreciate confidence, and who are lamentably +ignorant of the value of £ _s. d._ But the majority of wives, I would +hope, possess sufficient common sense to comprehend the simple questions +of income and expenditure when candidly placed before them. How +delightful, as well as imperative, to go into a committee of ways and +means periodically, talking over everything confidentially, and feeling +the sweet bond of union growing closer and dearer because of the cares +and worries none can escape, though love and sympathy can make them +light! + +There is a type of husband--unfortunately rather common--who begrudges +his wife, whatever her character and disposition, every penny she +spends, even though it is spent primarily for his own comfort, and who +has never in his life cheerfully opened out to her his purse, whatever +he may have done with the thing he calls his heart. This is a very +serious matter, and one which presses heavily on the hearts of many +wives. It is hard for a young girl, who may in her father's house have +had pocket money always to supply her simple needs, to find herself +after marriage practically penniless--having to ask for every penny she +requires, and often to explain minutely how and where it is to be spent. +I have known a man who required an absolute account of every halfpenny +spent by his wife, and who took from her change of the shilling he had +given her for a cab fare. We must pray, for the credit of the sex, that +there are few so lost to all gentlemanly feeling, to speak of nothing +else; but it is certain that, through thoughtlessness as much as +stinginess often, many sensitive women suffer keenly from this form of +humiliation. It ought not to be. If a woman is worthy to be trusted with +a man's honour, which is supposed to be more valuable to him than his +gold, let her likewise be trusted with a little of the latter, without +having to crave it and answer for it as a servant sent on an errand +counts out the copper change to her master on her return. There are many +little harmless trifles a woman wants, many small kindnesses she would +do on the impulse of the moment, had she money in her purse; and though +she may sometimes not be altogether wise, she is blessed in the doing, +and nobody is the poorer. However small a man's income, there are surely +a few odd shillings the wife might have for her very own, if only to +gratify her harmless little whims, and to make her feel that she +sometimes has a penny to spare. It is quite desirable, I think, that +there should be, even where means are limited (I am not of course +alluding to working people whose weekly wage is barely sufficient for +family needs), some arrangement whereby the wife may have something, +however small, upon which she can depend, and which she can spend when +and how she pleases. + +Some indulgent fathers, foreseeing the possibility of their daughters +feeling the lack of a little money, continue their allowance to their +married daughters; but there are very few husbands, one would think, who +would care to leave their wives so dependent for little luxuries it +should be their privilege to supply. + +The labourer is surely worthy of his hire; and the wife, upon whose +shoulders the domestic load presses most heavily, is as justly entitled +to her payment as her housemaid, whose duties are more clearly defined. +Some high-flown personages may think this a very gross view of the case, +and say, perchance, that where love is there can never be any hardship +felt. But I know that I touch upon what is a sore point with many women, +and I can only hope that if any stingy husbands read these words they +will try a little experiment on their own account, and see how the +unexpected gift of a little money, offered lovingly, can bring the light +back to eyes which have grown a little weary, and smooth the lines away +from a brow which care has wrinkled before its time. + +The ideal husband we are considering will also be a home-keeping +husband. Let me not here be misunderstood. No sensible woman will desire +to keep her husband always at her side, nor can any woman make a more +profound mistake than to try and wean the man she has married away from +all his old friends and associations. I am speaking of good men, of +course, whose friends and associations are such as she need not regard +with apprehension. Yet it is a mistake which many women make, and it is +a common saying with the bachelors who may miss a certain bright spirit +from their midst, "Oh, nobody ever sees him now, he's married!" And +there is a peculiar emphasis on the last word which you must hear to +appreciate, but it signifies that he is as good as dead. + +Now why should this be? The wise wife, instead of being so small-minded +and jealous, should try to remember that there is a side of man's nature +which demands sympathy and contact with his own sex--and also that her +husband knew and loved these old friends of his perhaps before he ever +saw her. Let her try instead to make them all so welcome in her home +that they will come and come again, and instead of pitying her husband +because he has got his head into a noose will go away thinking him a +lucky fellow. This is not an impossibility. It can be done. + +But while this husband of ours does not give up his old friends of his +own sex, nor abjure all the manly pursuits and recreations so dear to +his soul in his state of bachelorhood, he will take care that they do +not absorb an undue share of his leisure, but will prefer home and wife +to them all, and _let her know it_. He will not be above expressing his +satisfaction when his home suddenly strikes him with more force than +usual as being the sweetest place on earth; he will say so just as +frankly as he finds fault when there is just cause for complaint; and +she will return it by a loving interest pressed down and running over, +or I am neither woman nor wife. + +The ideal husband, then, is no more perfect than the ideal wife; nor +would she wish him to be other than he is, manly, generous, +kindly-hearted, well-conditioned, and, above all things, true as steel. +That he occasionally loses his temper, and does many thoughtless and +stupid things, makes no difference so long as his heart is pure and +tender and true. + +The ideal relationship betwixt husband and wife has always appeared to +me to be comradeship,--a standing shoulder to shoulder, upholding each +other through thick and thin, and above all keeping their inner +sanctuary sacred from the world. What says one of our greatest teachers +in "Romola"?--"She who willingly lifts the veil from her married life +transforms it from a sanctuary into a vulgar place." These are solemn +words, solemn and true. We have in these strange days too much +publicity--the fierce light beats not only on the throne but on the +humbler home. The craving for details relating to the private life of +those who may in any degree stand out among their fellows has developed +into a species of disease. Kept within due bounds this curiosity is in +itself harmless, and may be to a certain extent gratified, but the +privacy of domestic life cannot be too sacredly guarded; the home ought +to be to tired men and women a veritable sanctuary where they can be at +peace. + + + + +[Illustration] + +IV. + +_THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE._ + + +This is the crucial period in the lives of most married people; the test +which decides the wisdom or the folly of the step they have taken. Now, +when the irrevocable words have been said, the vow taken for better or +for worse, and the door shut upon the outside world, if any mask has +been worn it is laid aside and true self revealed. To some this means +disillusionment, and disappointment is inevitable, since marriage is +entered on from a great variety of motives, and love is not always the +first and most potent. With these, meanwhile, we do not propose to deal; +their punishment is certain, since there can be no misery on earth more +hopeless and more galling than the misery of a loveless marriage. + +But even ordinary happy and sensible people, who have married for love, +and who honestly desire to make their home as far as possible an earthly +paradise, cannot escape the inevitable strain of this first year of +married life. To begin with, it is a trite saying that you cannot know a +person until you live with him or her; and people come to years of +maturity have formed habits of thought and action which may, in some +cases must, clash with those of the other with whom they are brought +into contact every day. Contact, too, from which it is impossible to +escape. You meet in business and society many persons with whom you find +it difficult to agree, whose opinions jar upon you, and who rub you the +wrong way, and you find it irksome enough to meet such a person even +occasionally; imagine, then, what it would be like were you placed in, +or forced to endure, his or her companionship every day. Yet such is the +experience of some married persons, who have rushed into matrimony +without due knowledge or consideration. + +But leaving these extreme cases out of the question, meanwhile let us +think of the test of perpetual companionship as applied to an ordinary +pair who enter on married life with the ordinary prospect of happiness. + +During the days of courtship and engagement they, of course, saw a good +deal of each other, and got to know, as they thought, every peculiarity +and characteristic. Sometimes, even, they had quarrels arising out of +trifles, foolish misunderstandings which caused serious heart-burnings, +none of which, however, were of long duration; and the making up was +invariably sweet enough to atone for the temporary misery, and help to +make up the poetry of life. But the lovers' quarrel and the quarrel +matrimonial are entirely different; and while the former is usually but +a passing breeze, the latter is more serious, and to be avoided almost +at any cost. We want fair winds always, if possible, to speed our +matrimonial barque; we do not wish its timbers shaken by the whirlwind +of passion. + +We have all our little peculiarities, excrescences of character which +are apt to rub roughly against our neighbours' sensibilities, let us +not, when feeling these drawbacks, forget our own. We are so apt to +magnify in others, and to minimise in ourselves. + +It is easy to be on good behaviour with a person we only see +occasionally, even every day, so long as the cares and worries of life +are in the background, never obtruded, however heavily they press, +because these short moments are too precious to be clouded in any way. +It is easy to be unselfish for a little while; to bow, now and then, +absolutely to another's will; to suffer discomfort once a week, if +necessary, to make a dear one comfortable. All such little sacrifices +during courting days seem but a privilege, and make up the poetry of +that happy time. + +But the day comes sooner or later to the married pair, when the prose +pages must be turned, and poetry relegated to the background, days on +which the reality of life, in all its grim nakedness, seems to banish +romance, and when love needs all its strength and staying power for the +fight. The common-sense man or woman, of which type a few examples yet +remain with us, will prepare themselves for the slight disappointments +which are inevitable, when two people, regarding each other from an +adoring distance, and having invested each other with many exaggerated +gifts and graces, put themselves voluntarily to the test of everyday +life, with all its prosaic details, its crosses and losses, its silences +and its tears. It is like making a new acquaintance, having to meet +each other in all situations, and in various unromantic and sometimes +supremely trying conditions. Edwin pacing his chamber floor +anathematising a buttonless shirt is a picture our comic journals have +made familiar to us; and Angelina in her curl-papers and untidy morning +gown looks a different being from the sylph in evening attire all smiles +and blushes. These extreme examples serve only to illustrate my +contention, that the closeness of the marriage relation carries its +peril with it. To the man or woman, however, who marries for that love +which is based on the qualities of both head and heart, and who knows +that daily life, with its rubs and scrubs, will sometimes mar the +sweetest temper and cloud the serenest brow, there cannot come any +serious disillusionment. Loving each other dearly, they remember they +are but human; and as perfection is not inborn in humanity, they accept +each other's faults and shortcomings gracefully, not magnifying them +sourly and grumblingly, but bearing with them, and rejoicing in and +accepting the good. + +Domestic life to the young and untried housekeeper is something of an +ordeal. She may have had her own place in her father's home, her own +special duties to attend to, even her own share of responsibility. +Still, it is an altogether different matter to have the entire care of a +household, to guide all its concerns, and be responsible for the +domestic comfort of all within the four walls of the house. Happy the +young wife who had a wise mother, and came well-equipped from the +parental home. + +There is no more fruitful source of the disappointment and +disillusionment of which we have been speaking than incapacity on the +part of the young wife to steer the domestic boat. All men like creature +comforts, and are more keenly sensible perhaps than women to the +advantages of a well-ordered home. We all know how women living alone +are apt to neglect themselves in the matter of preparing regular and +substantial meals; and how many suffer thereby. A good dinner is more to +a man than it is to a woman; and, for my part, I do not see why it +should be necessary to sneer at a man because he desires and can enjoy a +wholesome, well-cooked meal. It is a sign of a healthy body and a sound +mind, and the true housewife is never happier than when she caters +successfully for the members of her household, and beholds the hearty +appreciation of her labours. + +It is the custom in certain quarters in these days to decry this special +department of woman's work, and to belittle its importance, but I am +old-fashioned enough to hold that one of the most essential points of +fitness for the married life in woman is her ability to keep house +economically, wisely, and successfully. Nothing will ever convince me +that such fitness is not one of her solemn and binding duties; in fact, +it is one of the reasons of her existence as a wife. + +Sometimes her worries and perplexities, at first, resting entirely on +her shoulders, may give to her tongue an unusually sharp edge, and she +may find it a too serious effort to smile just when her spouse may think +it right and fitting that she should. + +Out of what trifles do great issues arise! Let not the sun go down upon +your wrath. My advice to the young wife when things do _not_ go well +with her, when she grows hot and tired over a weary dinner, which does +not turn out the success she wishes, or when she has been tried beyond +all patience with her "help",--my advice is, Don't nag. Be cheerful. +Swallow the pill in the kitchen at any cost, but, above all, don't nag! +A man will stand almost anything but nagging. Don't save up a long +string of miseries, small and big, to pour on to him the moment he puts +his head in at the door. + +Yes, I know all about it--that the day has been long and dreary, that +nothing has gone right, and you have had nobody to share it; but I want +you to let the man have his dinner or his tea in peace before you relate +the tale of your woes. It will make all the difference in the world to +his reception of it. Try to remember that he has had a long day too, +that, maybe, he has been nagged and worried in the office, or the +market, or behind the counter; and that he left it with relief, hoping +for a little fireside comfort at home. Let him enjoy first, at least, +the meal you have prepared or superintended, then, when you both have +eaten, you will be in a better mood for the discussion of the little +worries which looked so big and black all day. If they have not +disappeared altogether by this time they have at least sensibly +decreased in size and number. + +Another thing I should like to impress on the young wife, and that is +the absolute necessity of being as fastidious and dainty with her +personal appearance after marriage as before. It is a poor compliment to +a man to show that you care so little for his opinion as a husband that +you can't or won't take the trouble to dress up for him. Dear girls, +contemplating the final leap, I want you to understand that you can +afford a great deal less to be careless after marriage than before; +because you have now to keep the husband you have won. Men like what is +bright and cheerful, and pleasant to behold. So far as you are concerned +see that you are never an eyesore. Even if you have your own work to do, +there is no necessity why you should be a dowdy or a slattern. Even a +cotton dress clean and daintily made can be as becoming to you as a robe +of silk and lace. + +It is a great deal more important for you to keep your husband's love +and respect than it was to win them as a lover; because now your stake +is greater--in fact, it is your all. + +To the husband I would say, "Be kind, be true, be appreciative always. +If you have to find fault do it gently. There are two ways of doing and +saying everything. Take time to choose the better, the kinder, the more +helpful and encouraging." + +Most women are quick to respond to the slightest touch of kindness, the +sunshine their more dependent natures require. See that you, having +taken this young creature from the shelter of a loving parental home, do +not starve her in an atmosphere of cold criticism and fault-finding. +Remember that she is young, inexperienced, ignorant of many things, and +that wisdom walks with years. Little things these, you say? Yes, friend, +but great and far-reaching in their issues even to the wreck or +salvation of a human soul. + +To both in the early days, "Live near to God,"--His blessing alone can +consecrate the home. So will your last days be better than your first, +and love be as sweet and soul-satisfying on the brink of the grave, at +the close of the long pilgrimage you have made together, as in the +halcyon days, "when all the world was young." + + + + +[Illustration] + +V. + +_THE IDEAL HOME._ + + +A house is not a home, although it has sometimes to pass as such. There +are imposing mansions, replete with magnificence and luxury, which if +realised would provide the outward trappings of many modest domiciles, +but which offer shelter and nothing more to their possessors. + +Home is made by those who dwell within its walls, by the atmosphere they +create; and if that spirit which makes humble things beautiful and +gracious be absent, then there can be no home in the full and true sense +of the word. + +While each member of the household contributes more or less to the +upbuilding of the fabric, it is, of course, those at the head whose +influence makes or mars. A lesser influence may be felt in a degree +great enough to modify disagreeable elements, or intensify happy ones, +but it cannot, save in very exceptional circumstances, set aside the +influence of those at the head. + +It is to them, then, that our few words under this heading must be +addressed; and, to reduce it to a still narrower basis, it is the +woman's duty and privilege, and solemn responsibility, which make this +art of home-making more interesting and important to her than any other +art in the world. Her right to study it, and to make it a glorious and +perfect thing, will never be for a moment questioned, even in this age +of fierce rivalry and keen competition for the good things of life. In +her own kingdom she may make new laws and inaugurate improvements +without let or hindrance, and as a rule she will meet with more +gratitude and appreciation than usually fall to the lot of law-givers +and law-makers. She will also find in her own domain scope for her +highest energies, and for the exercise of such originality as she may be +endowed with. I do not know of any sphere with a wider scope, but of +course it requires the open eye and the understanding heart to discern +this fact. + +It seems superfluous, after the chapters preceding this, to say again +that the very first principle to be learned in this art of home-making +must be love. Without it the other virtues act but feebly. There may be +patience, skill, tact, forbearance, but without true love the home +cannot reach its perfect state. It may well be a comfortable abode, a +place where creature comforts abound, and where there is much quiet +peace of mind; but those who dwell in such an atmosphere the hidden +sweetness of home will never touch. There will be heart-hunger and vague +discontents, which puzzle and irritate, and which only the sunshine of +love can dispel. + +Home-making, like the other arts, is with some an inborn gift,--the +secret of making others happy, of conferring blessings, of scattering +the sunny _largesse_ of love everywhere, is as natural to some as to +breathe. Such sweet souls are to be envied, as are those whose happy lot +it is to dwell with them. But, at the same time, perhaps they are not so +deserving of our admiration and respect as some who, in order to confer +happiness on others, themselves undergo what is to them mental and moral +privation, who day by day have to keep a curb on themselves in order to +crucify the "natural man." + +It is possible, even for some whom Nature has not endowed with her +loveliest gifts, to cultivate that spirit in which is hidden the whole +secret of home happiness. It is the spirit of unselfishness. No selfish +man or woman has the power to make a happy home. + +By selfish, I mean giving prominence always to the demands and interests +of self, to the detriment or exclusion of the interests and even the +rights of others. It is possible, however, for a selfish person to +possess a certain superficial gift of sunshine, which creates for the +time being a pleasant atmosphere, which can deceive those who come +casually into contact with him; but those who see him in all his moods +are not deceived. They know by experience that a peaceful and endurable +environment can only be secured and maintained by a constant pandering +to his whims and ways. He must be studied, not at an odd time, but +continuously and systematically, or woe betide the happiness of home! + +When this element is conspicuous in the woman who rules the household, +then that household deserves our pity. A selfish woman is more selfish, +if I may so put it, than a selfish man. Her tyranny is more petty and +more relentless. She exercises it in those countless trifling things +which, insignificant in themselves, yet possess the power to make life +almost insufferable. Sometimes she is fretful and complaining, on the +outlook for slights and injuries, so suspicious of those surrounding her +that they feel themselves perpetually on the brink of a volcano. Or she +is meek and martyred, bearing the buffets of a rude world and unkind +relatives with pious resignation; or self-righteous and complacent, +convinced that she and she alone knows and does the proper thing, and +requiring absolutely that all within her jurisdiction should see eye to +eye with her. + +It is no slight, insignificant domain, this kingdom of home, in which +the woman reigns. In one family there are sure to be diversities of +dispositions and contrasts of character most perplexing and difficult to +deal with. She needs so much wisdom, patience, and tact that sometimes +her heart fails her at the varied requirements she is expected to meet, +and to meet both capably and cheerfully. If she has been herself trained +in a well-ordered home, so much the better for her. She has her model to +copy, and her opportunities before her to improve upon it. + +Every home is bound to bear the impress of the individuality which +guides it. If it be a weak and colourless individuality, then so much +the worse for the home, which must be its reflex. + +This fact has, I think, something solemn in it for women, and it is +somewhat saddening that so many look upon the responsibilities that +home-making entails without the smallest consideration. Verily fools +rush in where angels fear to tread! If they think of the responsibility +at all, they comfort themselves with the delusion that it is every +woman's natural gift to keep house; but housekeeping and home-making are +two different things, though each is dependent on the other. + +This thoughtlessness, which results in much needless domestic misery, is +the less excusable because we hear and read so much about the +inestimable value of home influences, the powerful and permanent nature +of early impressions, even if we are not ourselves living examples of +the same. Let us each examine our own heart and mind, and just ask +ourselves how much we owe to the influences surrounding early life, and +how much more vivid are the lessons and impressions of childhood +compared with those of a later date. The contemplation is bound to +astonish us, and if it does not awaken in us a higher sense of +responsibility regarding those who are under the direct sway of our +influence, then there is something amiss with our ideal of life and its +purpose. + + + + +[Illustration] + +VI. + +_KEEPING THE HOUSE._ + + +Making the home and keeping the house are two different things, though +closely allied. Having considered the graces of mind and heart which so +largely contribute to the successful art of home-making, it is not less +necessary that we now devote our attention to the more practical, and +certainly not less important, quality of housekeeping. + +Ignorance of the prosaic details of housekeeping is the primary cause of +much of the domestic worry and discomfort that exist, to say nothing of +the more serious discords that may arise from such a defect in the +fitness of the woman supposed to be the home-maker. + +For such ignorance, or lack of fitness, to use a milder term, there does +not appear to me to be any excuse; it is so needless, so often wilful. + +Some blame careless, indifferent mothers, who do not seem to have +profited by their own experience, but allow their daughters to grow up +in idleness, and launch them on the sea of matrimony with a very faint +idea of what is required of them in their new sphere. + +It is very reprehensible conduct on the part of such mothers, and if in +a short time the bright sky of their daughters' happiness begins to +cloud a little, they need not wonder or feel aggrieved. A man is quite +justified in expecting and exacting a moderate degree of comfort at +least in his own house, and if it is not forthcoming may be forgiven a +complaint. He is to be pitied, but his unhappy wife much more deserves +our pity, since she finds herself amid a sea of troubles, at the mercy +of her servants, if she possesses them; and if moderate circumstances +necessitate the performance of the bulk of household duties, then her +predicament is melancholy indeed. + +To revert again to our Angelina and Edwin of the comic papers, we have +the threadbare jokes at the expense of the new husband subjected to the +ordeal of Angelina's awful cooking. At first he is forbearing and +encouraging; but in the end, when no improvement is visible, the +honeymoon begins to wane much more rapidly than either anticipated. +Edwin becomes sulky, discontented, and complaining; Angelina tearful or +indignant, as her temperament dictates, but equally and miserably +helpless. + +The chances are that time will not improve but rather aggravate her +troubles, especially if the cares of motherhood be added to those of +wifehood, which she finds quite enough for her capacities. + +True, some women have a clever knack of adapting themselves readily to +every circumstance, and pick up knowledge with amazing rapidity. If they +are by nature housewifely women, they will triumph over the faults of +their early training, and after sundry mistakes and a good deal of +unnecessary expenditure may develop into fairly competent housewives. + +But it is a dangerous and trying experiment, which ought not to be made, +because there is absolutely no need for it. It is the duty of every +mother who has daughters entrusted to her care to begin early to train +them in domestic work. That there are servants in the house need be no +obstacle in the way. There are silly domestics who resent what they call +the "meddling" of young ladies in the kitchen; but no wise woman will +allow that to trouble her, but will take care to show her young +daughters, as time and opportunity offer, every secret contained in the +domestic _répertoire_. + +One of the primary lessons to be learned in this housekeeping art is +that of method; viz.--a place for everything, and a time. It is the key +to all domestic comfort. Most of us are familiar with at least one +household where the genius of method is conspicuous by its absence; +where regularity and punctuality are unobserved, if not unknown. The +household governed by a woman without method is to be pitied. Her +husband is a stranger to the comfort of a well-ordered home; and her +children, if she has any, hang as they grow, as the Scotch say; while +her servants, having nobody to guide them, become careless and +indifferent, and so suffer injustice at her hands. + +It is such women who are loudest in complaints against servants, and who +are in a state of perpetual warfare against the class. Of course this +method must be kept within bounds, and not carried to excess, thereby +becoming an evil instead of an unmixed good. + +We are familiar with that other type of women, who make their +housekeeping an idol, at whose shrine they perpetually worship, +regardless of the comfort of those under their roof-tree. With them it +is a perpetual cleaning day, and woe betide the luckless offender who +has the misfortune to mar, if ever so slightly, the immaculate +cleanliness of that abode! He is likely to have his fault brought home +to him in no measured terms. + +The woman possessed of the cleaning mania, who goes to bed to dream of +carpet-beating and furniture polish, and who rises to carry her dreams +into execution, is quite as objectionable in her way as the woman who +never cleans, and for whom the word dirt has no horrors. Although it is +doubtless pleasant to feel assured that no microbe-producing speck can +possibly lurk in any corner of the house, and to be certain that food +and everything pertaining to it is perfect so far as cleanliness is +concerned, there is a sense of insecurity and unrest in the abode of +the over-particular woman which often develops into positive misery and +discomfort. It is the sort of discomfort specially distasteful to the +male portion of mankind. Although they may be compelled to admit, when +brought to bay, that "cleaning" is a necessary evil, it requires a +superhuman amount of persuasion to make them see any good in it. The way +women revel, or appear to revel, in the chaos of a house turned +topsy-turvy is to them the darkest of all mysteries. It is long since +they were compelled to treat it as a conundrum, and give it up. + +I think, however, that, with few exceptions, women dislike the +periodical household earthquake quite as much as men, and dread its +approach. The housekeeper who considers the comfort of those about her +will do her utmost to rob it of its horrors. This can be done by a +judicious planning, and by resort to the method of which we spoke in the +last chapter. + +Let "One room at a time" be her motto, and then the inmates of the house +will not be made to feel that they are quite in the way, and have no +abiding-place on the face of the earth. + +This may involve a little more work, and a great deal of patience; but +she will have her reward in the grateful appreciation of those for whom +she makes home such a happy and restful place. + + + + +[Illustration] + +VII. + +_THE TRUEST ECONOMY._ + + +In these days many new phrases have been coined to give expression and +significance to old truths; thus we hear of the "sin of cheapness," the +fault attributed to those shortsighted bargain-hunters who waste time +and energy and money hunting the length and breadth of the land for the +cheapest market. The true and competent housekeeper knows that there is +no economy in this method of marketing, but the reverse. + +Of course, where the family is large and the resources limited, it is +absolutely incumbent on the purveyor to seek the most moderate market; +and those of us who dwell in cities know that prices vary with +localities, and that West-enders must pay a West-end price. But it is +reprehensible always to hunt for cheap things simply because they are +cheap, because we ought not to forget that this very cheapness has +caused suffering, or at least deprivation, somewhere, since it would +appear that some things are absolutely offered at prices under the cost +of production. + +In the matter of food, so important a factor in the health and +well-being of the family, it can seldom be a saving to buy in the cheap +market, because cheapness there is too often a synonymous term with +unwholesomeness; and a small quantity of the very best will undoubtedly +afford more sustenance than an unlimited supply of inferior quality. In +small and working-class homes the tea and tinned-food grievance is an +old one, but one which does not appear to be in the way of mending. + +If the wives and mothers of the working-class could only have it +demonstrated to them, beyond all question, that a small piece of +excellent fresh beef, made into a wholesome soup flavoured with +vegetables, would give three times the nourishment of this tinned stuff, +which, good enough as an occasional stand-by, has become the curse and +the tyrant of the lazy and thriftless housewife, what a step in the +right direction that would be! The mere salting and preserving process +destroys the most valuable nutritive elements of the meat; and though it +may be tasty and palatable, it is practically useless as a +strength-producer or strength-imparter. + +Milk, too, we fear has not its proper place in very many homes where +children abound; though no mother of even ordinary intelligence can shut +her eyes to the fact that it is Nature's own food for her children in +their early years, when it is so important to build up the elements of a +strong constitution. I would here put in a plea for oatmeal, in former +days the backbone of my country's food, and which has of late years +fallen sadly into disuse, especially in quarters where its very +cheapness and absolute wholesomeness recommend it as _the_ food _par +excellence_ for old and young. We have replaced it with tea and toast, +to the great detriment of limb and muscle and digestive power. It is in +the palace now we find oatmeal accorded its rightful place, not in the +cottage; and the change is to be deplored. + +Regularity in meals is another thing the wise housekeeper will insist +upon in her abode. Regularity and punctuality, how delightful they are, +and how they ease the roll of the domestic wheels! A punctual and tidy +woman makes a punctual and tidy home. We know the type who dawdles away +the forenoon in idle talk or listless indolence, and rushes to prepare a +hasty and only half-cooked meal when perhaps her husband or children are +on their way home from school or workshop; and this is a very fruitful +cause of domestic dispeace, and at the root even of much of the +intemperance which has ruined so many homes. If a man has no comfort at +his own fireside, then he is compelled in self-defence to seek it +elsewhere. + +To recur to the question of buying in cheap markets, the principle that +what is good and costs something to begin with will inevitably prove the +cheapest in the end is even more clearly demonstrated in the matter of +clothing than of food. The best will always wear and look the best, even +when it has grown threadbare. Then when we hear so constantly of the +appalling misery endured by men and women who make the garments sold in +the cheap shops, we are bound to feel that these things are offered at a +price which is the cost of flesh and blood. This is a very pressing +question, and one which many Christian people do not lay to heart. There +appears to be in every human breast the instinct of the bargain-hunter, +and there is a placid satisfaction in having got something at an +exceptionally low price which charms the finer sensibilities. + +To gratify this peculiar and morbid craving, witness the system of +buying and selling which prevails in Italy; the shopkeepers there, with +few exceptions, invariably asking double the money they are willing to +accept. And to this craving in our own country is due the system of all +cheap sales in the shops, and mock auctions in the sale-rooms, in which +many a shortsighted person of both sexes fritter away both time and +money. It is a rotten system, and shows that there is great need for +reform in this matter of buying and selling, which occupies so much of +our time, means, and thought. + +All good housekeepers know that those who buy in the ready-money market +fare best; and besides, the paying out of ready-money is undoubtedly a +check on expenditure, and is to be specially recommended to people of +small means. It is easy and tempting to give an order, and though it can +no doubt be paid for sooner or later, somehow the sum always seems to +assume larger proportions as time goes on. We very seldom get in a bill +for a less amount than we expect. My own view of the case is, that I +grudge to pay for food after it is eaten, or clothes after they are +worn; and in my own housekeeping I have found ready-money, or, at the +outside, weekly accounts, the best arrangement, to which I adhere +without any exceptions. Short accounts, also, give one another +advantage, the choice of all markets. Thus the money is laid out to the +best possible advantage, and the highest value obtained. + +All thrifty and far-seeing housekeepers know that it is cheaper to buy +certain household stores, as sugar, butter, flour, soap, etc., in +quantities, provided there is a suitable storeroom where the things +will be kept in good condition. There are indeed innumerable methods +whereby the good housewife can save her coppers and her shillings, and a +wise woman is she who takes advantage of them to the utmost. + +This art of housekeeping is not learned in a day; those of us who have +been engaged in it for years are constantly finding out how little we +know, and how far we are, after all, from perfection. + +It requires a clever woman to keep house; and as I said before there is +ample scope, even within the four walls of a house (a sphere which some +affect to despise), for the exercise of originality, organising power, +administrative ability. And to the majority of women I would fain +believe it is the most interesting and satisfactory of all feminine +occupations. + + + + +[Illustration] + +VIII. + +_ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES._ + + +In these very words lurks a danger likely to beset our young couple, on +the very threshold of their career. + +All eyes are upon them, of course; their house and all it contains, +their way of life, the position they take up and maintain, are, for the +time being, topics of intense concern to all who know them, and to many +who do not. There is no doubt that we need to go back in some degree to +the simpler way of life in vogue in the days of our grandmothers; that +pretentiousness and extravagance have reached a point which is almost +unendurable. We are constantly being informed by statistics which cannot +be questioned that the marriage rate is decreasing; and we know that in +our own circles the number of marriageable girls and marriageable youths +who for some inexplicable reason _don't_ marry is very great. + +What _is_ the reason? Is the age of romance over? is it impossible any +longer to conjure with the words love and marriage in the garden of +youth? or is it that our young people are less brave and enduring, that +they shrink from the added responsibility, care, and self-denial +involved in the double life? My own view is that this pretentiousness +and desire for display is at the bottom of it; that young people want to +begin where their fathers and mothers left off, and that courage is +lacking to take a step down and begin together on the lowest rung of the +ladder. + +I have heard many young men say that they are afraid to ask girls to +leave the luxury and comfort of their father's house, and to enter a +plainer home, where they will have less luxury and more care; and +though I grant that there are many girls who would shrink from the +ordeal, and who prefer the indolent ease of single blessedness to the +cares of matrimony on limited means, yet have I been tempted sometimes, +looking at these young men, to wonder in my soul whether it was not +_they_ who shrank from the plain home and the increased responsibility +marriage involves. The salary sufficient for the comfort and mild luxury +of one is scarcely elastic enough for two. + +It would mean giving up a good many things; it would mean fewer cigars, +fewer new suits, fewer first nights at the theatre,--in fact, a general +modification of luxuries which he has begun to regard as indispensable; +and he asks himself, Is the game worth the candle? His answer is, No. +And so he drifts out of young manhood into bachelor middle age, passing +unscathed through many flirtations, becoming encrusted with selfish +ideas and selfish aims, and gradually less fit for domestic life. And +all the time, while he imagines he has a fine time of it, he has missed +the chief joy, the highest meaning of life. + +The conditions of modern life are certainly harder than they were. +Competition in every profession and calling is so enormous that +remuneration has necessarily fallen; and it is a problem to many how +single life is to be respectably maintained, let alone double. Then the +invasions of women into almost every domain of man's work is somewhat +serious in its consequences to men. A woman can be got to do a certain +thing as quickly, correctly, and efficiently as a man; therefore the man +goes to the wall. While we are glad to see the position of woman +improve, and the value of her labour in the markets of the world +increase, we are perplexed as to the effect of this better condition of +things on the position of men. The situation is full of perplexities, +strained to the utmost. + +There is no doubt whatever that this improvement in the position of +woman, the increased opportunities afforded her of making a respectable +livelihood, has had, and is having, its serious effect in the marriage +market. A single woman in a good situation, the duties of which she has +strength of body and strength of mind to perform, is a very independent +being, and in contrast with many of her married sisters a person to be +envied. She has her hours, for one thing; there is no prospect of an +eight hours' day for the married woman with a family to superintend. +Then she, having earned her own money, can spend it as she likes--and +has to give account of it only to herself; and she is free from the +physical trials and disabilities consequent upon marriage and maternity. +If you tell her that the sweet fulness of married life, its multiplied +joys, amply compensate for the troubles, she will shake her head and +want proof. + +Altogether, the outlook matrimonial is not very bright. Now, while we +deplore, as a serious evil, hasty, improvident, ill-considered +marriages, and hold that their consequences are very sad, we would also, +scarcely less seriously, deplore that over-cautiousness which is +reducing the marriage rate in quarters where it ought not to be +reduced,--our lower middle-class, which is the backbone of society. +There is no fear of a serious reduction in other quarters: where there +is no responsibility felt, there is none to shirk; and so, among the +very poor, children are multiplied, and obligations increased, without +any thought for the morrow, or concern for future provision. There is a +very supreme kind of selfishness in this over-cautiousness which is not +delightful to contemplate, the fear lest self should be inconvenienced +or deprived in the very slightest degree; and all this does not tend to +the highest development of human nature, but rather the reverse, since +the spirit of self-denial and self-sacrifice is one of the loveliest +attributes of human character. + +That it is possible for two people to live together almost as cheaply as +one, and, if the wife be careful, thrifty, and managing, with a great +deal more comfort, is hardly disputed; and surely love is yet strong +enough to take its chance of falling on evil days, and when they come of +making the best of them. Our girls must exhibit less frivolity, less +devotion to dress and idle amusements, if they wish for homes of their +own; because at present it is partly true that men are afraid to take +the risk and responsibility of them as partners in life. + +And this brings us back to the heading of our chapter, the subject of +keeping up appearances. This fearful rivalry to make the greatest show +on inadequate means, to outshine our neighbours in house and dress and +everything else, is really a tremendous evil, the scourge of many +middle-class families. And what, after all, is its aim or outcome; what +its rewards? + +To begin with, it is a pandering, pure and simple, to the baser part of +human nature--the desire to out-rival your neighbour, to be able to soar +over him at any price; and more, it is both hypocritical and immoral. +Hypocritical, because it is pure pretence to a station which has no +means to support it; and immoral, because you cannot afford to pay for +it, and thereby suffering is entailed somewhere and somehow. How many of +us number among our acquaintances (if not absolutely guilty ourselves), +persons who, possessed of a small and limited income, live in a large +house, the rent of which is a kind of sword of Damocles hanging over +them for ever? + +You know them by their hunted, eager, restless look, which tells of +inward dispeace, of worry too great almost to be borne. Their servants +do not stay long, perhaps because the larder of the big house is kept +very bare, and comfort is sacrificed to outside show. They never have +anything to give away, and their excuse is that they do not believe in +indiscriminate charity. And they look back with a painful longing, never +expressed, however, to the days when they lived at peace in a little +house, and had enough and to spare for man and beast, and a penny for +the beggar at the gate. The big house is but one thing; the struggle to +keep up appearances is observed in many other ways--in expensive and not +always efficient education of the children, in party-giving, extravagant +dress, frequent going out of town, and many others too numerous to +mention. And what, after all, is the advantage of it? Is there any +advantage gained? You may succeed in exciting in the breast of your +neighbour a bitter envy which will probably find expression in some such +remark as this--"I only hope it is all paid for." + +And you never will have any peace of mind, without which the outward +trappings are but a mockery. + +Oh, let us be simpler! Let us at least not pretend to be what we are +not. In a word, let us not try to humbug ourselves and the world at +large. + + + + +[Illustration] + +IX. + +_MOTHERHOOD._ + + +It is a great theme, which I approach with fear and trembling; yet--is +the home complete without the child? Can even an unpretentious book of +this sort be written without some attempted treatment of the same? + +The first year of married life is often very full, as well as specially +trying, a record of new and very crucial experiences such as are bound +to prove the grit of our young housekeeper. She has many things to learn +in her new sphere, both in the department of ethics as well as of +housekeeping. She has a husband to study, for even though they have seen +a great deal of each other before marriage, there yet remains much to +learn of many little peculiarities before undreamed of, which in the +full glare and test of daily life sometimes stand out with a certain +unpleasant prominence, which both find trying. There are new tastes to +discover and consider, new likes and dislikes to be studied--in a word, +the situation is a severe ordeal, especially if our young wife be very +young and inexperienced. Of course she has an adoring and approving love +to aid her, and all her efforts to please will be appreciated at their +full value, and perhaps a little over, and that is much. + +If in addition to all the trying amenities of her new position there be +added early in her married life the prospect of motherhood, with its +attendant cares, anxieties, and fears, then our young housekeeper may be +granted to have hand and heart full. That it is a prospect full of joy +and satisfaction, the realisation of a sweet and secret hope, nobody +will deny. There are a few women, we are told, who do not desire +motherhood, preferring the greater freedom and ease of childless +wifehood; but it is not of such we seek to write, because the vast +majority agree with me that motherhood is the crown of marriage, as well +as the sweetest of all bonds between husband and wife. + +It is the great, almost awful, responsibility of this bond which makes +thinking people deplore the prevalence of early and improvident marriage +between persons who seem to lack entirely this sense of responsibility, +and who undertake the most solemn duties in the same flippant mood as +they go out on a day's enjoyment. The idea that they have in their power +the making and marring of a human soul, to say nothing of the influences +which in fulness of time must go forth from that same soul, does not +trouble them, or indeed exist for them at all. They have no ideas--they +never think. If the child comes, good and well--it has to be provided +for; welcome or unwelcome it arrives; and is tolerated or rejoiced over +as the case may be. + +We need a great deal of educating on this particular point, and the fact +that a child may have rights before it is born is one which presses home +to the heart of every man and woman who may give the matter any serious +attention whatsoever. + +If we marry, then as surely do we undertake the possible obligations of +parentage; and if we do not see that we are fit physically, mentally, +and morally for this undoubtedly greatest of all human obligations, then +are we blameworthy, and answerable to God and man for our shortcomings. + +Heroism is a word to stir the highest enthusiasm in every heart, and we +Britons are not supposed to lack in that glorious quality. While not +despising nor making light of that heroism which shows an unflinching +front on the battlefield, or in the face of any danger, and while +recognising also and glorying in that other heroism of which the world +hears less, but which is nevertheless very rich and far-reaching in +results--I mean that brave heart which does not sink under adverse +circumstances, which makes the best of everything, which can do, dare, +and suffer for others, without notice or applause--there is yet another +phase of heroism of which the world knows not at all, but which in my +estimation is as great, if not greater, than any of these. It is a +delicate theme, and yet in such a book as this are we not justified in +touching upon it, reverently and tenderly as it deserves? There are +some--more, I believe, than we dream of--who, being afflicted physically +or mentally, and who, fearing some hereditary moral taint for which they +have to suffer, though entirely blameless, deliberately abstain from +marriage for the highest of all reasons--that they fear to perpetuate in +their own children the weaknesses which are already so stupendous a +curse to mankind. Oh that such examples could be multiplied, and that we +were once thoroughly awakened to the solemn significance of the fact +that the sins of the fathers are visited on the children! + +But when we look around we see the innocent made to suffer daily for the +guilty; we see children whose lives even in infancy are but a burden to +them, and whose later life can only be a cross, and we pray for a great +baptism of light on this painful subject, for a great awakening to that +personal, individual responsibility which is the only solution of a +difficulty which concerns the future and the highest interest of the +race. + +To return to the question of rights as affecting the unborn babe: the +mother has then so much in her power that she can not only determine to +a great extent what kind of infancy the child shall have, but also +whether her own duties therein shall be heavy or light. By attending +strictly to her own health, adhering to natural laws, living simply and +wholesomely, she can almost ensure the bodily health of the child; and +by keeping her mind calm and even, avoiding worry, and cultivating +cheerfulness and contentment, she thus moulds the disposition of the +child to a far greater extent than she dreams of. The woman who lives in +a condition of perpetual nervous excitement and worry before the birth +of her child, who is fretful, complaining, impatient of the discomfort +of her condition, need not be much surprised if her baby be fretful and +difficult to rear. Of course this is all very easy to write down, and +most difficult--in many cases of physical and nervous prostration +impossible--to bear in mind; nevertheless, it is worth the trial, worth +the self-denial involved, even looking at it from the most selfish +standpoint, one's own ultimate comfort and ease. The gain to the child +is too great to be estimated. + +And surely taking into consideration the enormous number of miserable, +weakly babies who have never had a chance, the day of whose birth, like +Job's, is sadder than the day of their death, it is not too much to ask +from thoughtful Christian women, who at heart feel their responsibility +and their high privilege, that nothing shall be lacking on their part to +make the child given to them by God a moral, mental, and physical +success. We are careful in all other departments of life to try and +obtain the best--why not here? Is human life less precious, human souls +of less account, than merchandise? + +I do not see why mothers should not seek to impress upon their +daughters, and fathers upon their sons, as they approach maturity, the +solemnity and sacredness of such themes, which involve all that is most +important in human life. I consider that the ignorance with which so +many young girls are allowed to enter matrimony is nothing short of +criminal; and I do not myself see that a plain, straight, loving talk +from her mother beforehand, which will prepare her for her new +obligations and make them less a surprise and a trial when they come, +can possibly take the edge off that exquisite and delicate purity which +we would wish to be our daughters' outstanding characteristic, and which +every right-thinking man desires in his wife. There are many who do not +share this opinion, and hold that the wall of reserve should never be +broken. But the issues are great, and I cannot but think that in this +case ignorance is more likely to be fruitful of anxiety and foreboding, +to say nothing of mistakes, than is a little knowledge wisely imparted +by those whom experience has taught. + + + + +[Illustration] + +X. + +_THE SON IN THE HOME._ + + +The son is peculiarly the mother's child, and the bond between them, +seen at its best, is one of the loveliest, and, to the woman who has +suffered for her firstborn, one of the most soul-satisfying on earth. I +suppose most women given choice would wish their firstborn to be a son; +and her pride in the boy as he grows in grace and strength and manliness +is a very exquisite thing in the mother. + +As a rule, a boy is more difficult to rear. He has more strength of limb +and will, and shows earlier, perhaps, the desire to be master of the +whole situation, as very often he is. It is amazing at how early an age +a child can begin to discern between the firm will and the weak will of +those who guide him, and to profit thereby; and she is a wise woman who +begins as she means to end, and who teaches her child that her decision +is absolute from the earliest stage. The moment he begins to understand +that though you say no a yell will probably convert it into a yes, your +occupation is gone, so to speak--you have lost your hold, and Baby is +master of the situation and of you. + +There is no doubt, I think, that the woman who has a nurse to relieve +her of the child has a better chance than the one who has to fight the +battle single-handed--for this reason, that extreme weariness of body, +which nothing brings about more quickly than the perpetual care of a +baby, is apt to weaken the will; the desire for peace at any price +becomes too great to be resisted, and so the citadel is lost. It is +impossible also for the ordinary woman, who has the care of a baby all +day long, in addition to a multitude of other duties, not to become +nervous, irritable, and excitable, and the probability is that the child +becomes a reflex of herself. I know of no more self-denying and +harassing life than that of the mother of many children, whose limited +means prohibit much assistance in her labours. It would require the +strength of a Hercules and the patience of a Job. Yet how many go on +from day to day with an uncomplaining and heroic cheerfulness which does +not strike the onlooker, simply because it is so common, like the +toothache, that it attracts but little sympathy or attention. + +In one day such a mother may win moral victories beside which the +brilliant engagements of the battlefield would pale. It is not one that +she has to consider and contend with, but many; the diversity of +disposition in one family is truly amazing, and affords a most +interesting psychological study. If she be a thoughtful and +conscientious woman she knows that she is sowing the seeds of future +good and ill, that early impressions are never erased, and that her own +influence is the one which will leave the strongest, the most indelible +mark on the future of the little ones she has under her wing. To this +there is no exception whatever; it is a fact nobody attempts to dispute. +Who shall say, then--who shall dare to say--that a woman's work is +slight, her sphere narrow, her influence feeble? Have we not yet with us +the proverb, "She who rocks the cradle rules the world"? as true to-day +as it was a hundred years ago, as it will be in a hundred years to come. + +But though the anxieties and responsibilities of the nursery are great, +they increase, especially in the case of some, as the years go by; +though as the boy grows older his mother may be somewhat relieved by the +wise guidance of the father. There comes a time when the lad wants to +emancipate himself from his mother's jurisdiction, and begins to look to +his father, seeing in him the image of what he may yet become. He will +not love his mother any less, but he will be impatient a little, +perhaps, of her careful supervision; he wants to be a man, to imitate +his father, to show that he is a being of another order. It is always +amusing to look on at this subtle and inevitable change, but sometimes +touching as well. It is the strong soul seeking his heritage, the first +stirring of manhood in the boy, who will never be other than a bairn to +his mother. Happy then the mother, blessed the boy, who has a good, +wise, and tender father to take him by the hand, and show him at this +critical stage the beauty of a noble, pure, and honest manhood, and how +great is its power to bless the world. + +There are some men who never grow old, who, while doing a man's part +better than most in the world, keep the child-heart pure within them. +Happy are the children who call them father! The ideal father (since we +are writing of what we all know to be the highest in home relationship, +we may call him so) will be a boy in the midst of his boys all his days; +he will share the pastimes, the interests, the absorbing occupations of +his boys, in the schoolroom and the recreation-ground, just as he did +not disdain to join sometimes in the frolic of the nursery. He will +understand cricket and football, and hounds and hares, and know all the +little points of schoolboy honour, so that he may at once grasp the +situation when his lad brings his grievance or his tale of victory to +him. And through it all, without preaching, which the soul of the +average boy abhors, he will seek to inculcate the highest moral lessons, +thus accentuating and deepening the teaching of the nursery still fresh +in the boy's mind. + +This is the ideal which we would wish to see in every home, but the real +is rather different, and sometimes perplexing to deal with. We have seen +homes where the boys do not "get on" with their father, who seem to rub +each other the wrong way, and to have no sort of kinship with each +other--in a word, who are not chums, which is a boy's definition of the +jolliest possible relationship, and which is very beautiful existing +between father and son. But there are fathers who have no patience with +the boy who, feeling in him the promptings of a larger life, begins to +give himself little airs, and to adopt a manly and masterful manner; no +sympathy with his desire for freedom; and who, instead of wisely guiding +all these accompaniments of young manhood into fresh and legitimate +channels, seeks to curb them, to restrain every impulse, and to enforce +an authority the boy does not understand, and inwardly, if not +outwardly, kicks against. + +I know many mothers who have difficulty in pouring oil on such troubled +waters, and who see that the father and the boy do not understand each +other, and cannot get on--and she is powerless to help. Out of this +strained relationship many evils may arise. The young heart, bounding +with a thousand buoyant impulses, eager to see life and taste its every +cup, deprived of sympathy and outlet, and thrown back upon itself, +becomes reserved, self-contained, and morbid. Then, again, there is +a temptation to concealment, and even to prevarication, over mere +trifles. When censure is feared--and the young heart is fearfully +sensitive--little fibs are told to escape it, and so a great moral wrong +is inflicted, which can undoubtedly be laid at the unsympathetic +parent's door. + +The mother, by reason of her gentler nature (to which, of course, there +are the usual exceptions), is not so feared, and is made the go-between. + +"Mother, will _you_ ask father for so-and-so?" is an everyday question +in many homes; and why should it be? Why should sympathy and confidence +be less full and sweet between father and son than between mother and +son? Nay, rather, it might be fuller, since the father, being of the +same sex, can the better understand the boy nature, making allowance for +its failings, which were also his, if, indeed, they are not in an +aggravated form still characteristic of him. Some men forget that they +have ever been young; looking at them and witnessing their conduct in +certain circumstances, one finds it difficult to believe that they ever +_were_ young. They have been fossils from their birth. That is the grand +mistake--to fix such a great gulf betwixt youth and maturity that +nothing can bridge it. It is more love, more sympathy we want; it is the +dearth of it that is the curse of the world. Yet how dare we, being +responsible for the advent of the child into the world, deny him his +heritage, starve his heart of its right to our affection and regard? The +Lord sent him? Well, He did undoubtedly, and His commands with the gift. +There is no hesitation or ambiguity about the Lord's mandate regarding +little children. + +In homes where this lovely sympathy exists, anxiety regarding the moral +welfare of the boy is reduced to a minimum. Where the youth can come to +his mother, and still better to his father, in every dilemma, sure of +advice and aid, he will not go very far wrong. The world is full of +pitfalls, and it is sure nothing short of the grace of God can keep +young manhood in the right way; but very certain am I that parents have +much, ay, more than they dream of in their power. + +Let them at least see to it that they do not fall short. Let the boy +feel that the home is his, that his friends are welcome to it, and that +he need not go out always to seek liberty and enjoyment. In one word, +let him have room to breathe and to live, and the chances are that he +will repay you by becoming all you could desire even in your fondest +dreams. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XI. + +_THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME._ + + +The home is incomplete without the daughter, the sweet little baby who +from the first entwined herself about her parents' hearts; and who, as +she grows in beauty, is a source of constant joy and pride, not quite +untouched by anxiety. For when we have educated our sons and done for +them all we possibly can, they can, as a rule, stand on their own sturdy +legs, and take their own place in the world, we looking on with pride if +they adorn it well--with sadness if they fall short. We do not love them +less, but they sooner place themselves beyond our jurisdiction, and +responsibility concerning them is sooner at an end. With the daughters +it is different. As the old rhyme says-- + + + "A son is a son till he gets him a wife, + A daughter's a daughter to the end of her life," + + +words which just express the whole situation. Even after she marries our +anxiety and loving concern for her in her new sphere quite equals the +old; her little children, reminding us of what she was once to us, are +dear to us in a way our son's children can never be. It seems a strange +anomaly, yet will most mothers bear me out in what I say. + +A home where there are many boys and no girls is a jolly, healthy, happy +household enough, but it lacks something, a gentler element, which the +boys miss keenly, though they may not even be conscious of it. It is a +great misfortune for boys to have no sisters, because in the family +circle, where they grow up side by side, they acquire a knowledge of +girl-nature which is invaluable to them when they begin to take an +interest in that interesting personage, "another fellow's sister." And +_vice versâ_--girls brought up in a brotherless home have no opportunity +of studying boy-nature, and are apt to take a very prim, narrow view of +the same. The ideal family is the one judiciously mixed, where boys and +girls rub shoulders and carry on their little campaigns, entering into +each other's pursuits and being chums all round. It is good for both. + +As I said before, girls, even in infancy, are more easily managed and +reared than boys, the usual exceptions being allowed; and the same may +be said of them as they grow older. They are more docile, more amenable +to control, and their animal spirits, dependent on bodily organisation, +are not usually so obstreperous. It is astonishing how soon a little +girl becomes a companionable creature; she develops at a much earlier +age than her brothers. Of course there are great differences. We have +the tomboy, never still, more interested in her brothers' pranks than +in the sober frolics of girls--dolls have no charm for her; yet the +curious thing is that the tomboy has been known to develop into the +extraordinarily successful wife and mother, her very energies of mind +and body, when mellowed by experience, proving invaluable to her in her +new sphere. + +I have often thought that an interesting article might be written on the +place and power of dolls in the early life of women; it is such an +interesting study to watch the different grades of interest taken in +them by different children. To some they are real flesh and blood, +treated as such, fondled over and considered quite as much as any living +baby, invested with aches and pains, tempers and troubles, and subjected +to a regular system of reward and punishment; while to others they are +mere toys, which serve only to beguile the tedium of a rainy day. Then +there are the few who regard them as mere objects for scorn and hatred; +and when they do not ignore them, maltreat them mercilessly. + +The small girl who hates dolls, and dubs them as stupid things, is apt +to be a little troublesome to amuse, though it is also quite possible +that she may possess a very original mind, which strikes out a new path +even in amusement for itself. + +Some little boys who afterwards became good and noble men have not +disdained dolls as a baby amusement, and you generally find that the +small boy who takes a kind interest in his sister's dolls, and who does +not spend his leisure in concocting schemes for their torture and +dismemberment, has the fatherly instinct very strongly developed, and +will in his own home be tenderly devoted to his children. + +Boys ought to be taught early the beauty of little kindly attentions and +thoughtfulness for others. On no account ought their sisters to be +allowed to fetch and carry for them. There may be a system of mutual +obligation if you like, but boys of a certain age are apt to become very +arbitrary, and to consider their sisters in the light of body servants. +By allowing boys to order their sisters about, to bring them things and +give in always, you foster a spirit of selfishness, which grows +tyrannical as the years go by, and paves the way for some domestic +discomfort in a future home which will be beyond your jurisdiction. + +They tell us the age of chivalry is dead; and really manners do not seem +to be as they were. The changed order of things concerning women, who +are no longer cooped up within the four walls of a house, and told that +that is their sphere spelled with a very big S, but who are pushing +their way steadily to the front in every walk of life, no doubt partly +accounts for this; still the lapse of that old-fashioned and gracious +courtesy of men to women is to be deplored, and I cannot but think that +we who have raw material to work upon in the nursery might do something +to restore it. We cannot afford to lose any of the graces of life. +Heaven knows things are reduced to a prosaic enough level with us in +these days, when the fret and fever seem to leave time for nothing but +the barest realities. + +As we have already admitted that early impressions and early training +never quite lose their hold, so if we teach our boys to be gracious, +courteous, considerate always to their sisters because they are little +women, some women of a later date will be grateful to us. + +The very advanced of our sex have been known to disclaim any desire for +such consideration; they want none from the opposite sex, but only room +to fight the battle side by side; but we who do not wish to see life +robbed of all its grace and courtliness would respectfully insist that +this reserve should not be entirely dispensed with. We still like a man +to take off his hat to us in the street, instead of jerking his head on +one side; we have no objection to the inside of the pavement or the most +comfortable seat in carriage or tram, for which we have still a word of +appreciative thanks left, though we may thereby show how far we are left +behind in the race. I wish to make myself very clear. We do not want our +girls to be namby-pamby, selfish, silly creatures, who imagine it is +interesting and fascinating to pose as weak, dependent, fluttering +creatures; but neither do we want our sons to be boors, and it is in the +home where manners as well as morals are formed. So let us not despise +the little courtesies which do so much to sweeten daily intercourse, but +teach them to the children from the beginning, so that to be chivalrous, +courteous, gentle to rich and poor, gentle and simple of both sexes, +will become as natural for them as to breathe. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XII. + +_THE EDUCATION OF OUR DAUGHTERS._ + + +Even a very young daughter can be of use to her mother, and her +influence felt in the house, if she is taught how. Of course, the first +concern, when our little maid gets out of the nursery, is that she +should be educated, and her mental powers have the best possible chance +of being brought to their full power. + +The education of our girls is one of the great questions of the +day--engrossing the interest of those in the highest places; and a +healthy sign of the times it is. For since it is upon the women of +to-day that the future of the race depends, what could be of greater +importance than that all her powers, physical, mental, and moral, +should be brought as near perfection as possible? + +Do I of a set purpose mention the physical first? Yes; because the older +I grow the more it comes home to me that unless we have sound and +healthy bodies we can but poorly serve our day and generation. Therefore +the food the children eat should be one of our chief studies and +concerns; because if we can send them out into the world with +constitutions built upon a sure and common-sense foundation, it is the +best possible service we can render them; and one for which they and +theirs will be grateful always. + +This question of education is rather a perplexing one, which gives +parents a great deal of anxious thought. The present system is +undoubtedly a great improvement upon any we have had heretofore, and yet +it seems to leave something to be desired. In the board schools, where +the bulk of the lower middle-class children are educated, and where +tuition is very excellent and thorough, there is yet this +drawback,--all are sought to be raised to one dead level, the passing of +so many standards being imperative, nor any consideration given to +individual capacity or fitness. The inevitable result of this is that +the teacher is bound to concentrate his attention on the dull pupils, in +order to get them dragged up to the required standard, the bright ones +being left pretty much to their own devices. However much he may deplore +this, he cannot help himself, since it is upon his percentage of passes +that his status as a teacher, to say nothing of his salary, depends. +Therefore in some respects the old system of parochial teaching had its +advantage over the new. + +But it is very specially of the education of the girls we wish to speak, +and it is gratifying to observe that many parents are awaking to the +absurdity of insisting that their daughters shall acquire a superficial +knowledge of certain accomplishments, whatever the bent of their minds. +How much money, to say nothing of precious time, has been sacrificed in +the vain pursuit of music, that sweetest of the arts; which is so often +desecrated and tortured by unwilling and unsympathetic votaries. It very +soon becomes evident whether the child has an aptitude for music or not; +and if she has not, but finds the study of it an imposition and a trial, +what is the use of forcing her to such unwilling drudgery, when very +likely she possesses some other aptitude, the cultivation of which will +be both profitable and pleasant? How many girls upon whom pounds and +pounds have been spent never touch the piano when they are emancipated +from schoolroom control; and how much more usefully could both time and +money have been employed in the pursuit of something else! + +Mothers are beginning to see this, and it is a welcome awakening. So +long as our young maiden is occupied with school and lessons, she has +not time to learn much else, since it is imperative that she has +recreation likewise; it is when she leaves school that the wise mother, +having an eye to the future, will at once seek to initiate her into the +mysteries of housekeeping. True, she may never have a home of her own; +she may be one of those called to labour, perhaps, in the very forefront +of the working women outside; but all the same she ought not to be +ignorant of what used to be considered the chief, if not the only +occupation for women,--she ought to be fit to keep house on the shortest +notice. It is a woman's heritage. Whatever she may or may not know, I +hold that she ought to acquire a certain amount of domestic knowledge, +whether she uses it or not. Most young girls are interested in domestic +affairs, and are never happier than when allowed to have their finger in +the domestic pie; but in this as in other things a thorough grounding is +the most satisfactory. + +It is astonishing what undreamed-of qualities a sense of responsibility +awakens in a young soul; how the very idea that something depends on +her, that she is being trusted, puts our little maid upon her mettle. +Therefore it is a good plan to leave to a young daughter some particular +duty or duties for which she is entirely responsible. + +This may of course be a very slight thing to begin with--the dusting of +a room, or the arrangement of flowers or books, or the superintendence +of the tea-table; but whatever it is, the mother should insist that it +be done regularly and at the appointed time. Thus will she teach her +child punctuality and a primary lesson in a method, which is the key to +all perfect housekeeping. Of course it is a little trouble to the mother +to superintend the performance of such little duties, but she will have +her reward in the daily increasing helpfulness of the daughter in the +home. + +Most young girls, if skilfully dealt with, speedily learn to take a +special pride in their own little duties, especially if their efforts be +met with appreciation. Never snub a child; the young heart is very +sensitive, and takes a long time to forget. Little changes in the +domestic routine will be introduced by the wise mother, in order that +the work may not become irksome. + +Where there are several daughters, it is a good plan for them to +exchange their particular duties for a time. Thus, one may assist with +the cooking for a week, then change with her sister who has the care and +arrangement of the drawing-room or sitting-room, or with the one who +helps with the mending. So the daily round would never become +monotonous, and by gradual and pleasant degrees a knowledge of the whole +system of housekeeping is acquired, which will be simply invaluable to +her, whatever her future may be. If the family circumstances demand that +she shall go out into the world to earn her living by teaching or +typewriting or shopkeeping, the wise mother will not for this reason +relax her desire and effort to teach her the art and mystery of +housekeeping. True, while she is occupied outside she has little +opportunity to learn it, but "where there's a will there's a way"; and +though it may not appear at present of much practical value to her, yet +she may marry, or have to go to single housekeeping, when the home is no +longer open to her. I again insist that it is every woman's duty to +know, or to acquire some practical knowledge of housekeeping, so that +she may be ready for any emergency. Her fitness for it will be a +perpetual source of satisfaction to her, for there is nothing more +self-satisfying than to feel that one is capable; it gives confidence, +strength, and self-reliance. + +One of the very necessary lessons to be taught a young girl is the value +of money. The sooner she learns what equivalent in household necessaries +money can procure the better. The day may come when the tired mother +will be glad to be relieved even of the responsibility of spending, and +when, thanks to her own wisdom and foresight, she can place the family +purse in younger hands, knowing that the contents will not be recklessly +or extravagantly spent. Let our young maiden feel that she is entirely +trusted, and that a great deal is expected of her, then will she display +qualities undreamed-of. She will be eager to show what she can do; and +when the word of encouragement and appreciation is not lacking she will +be proud and happy indeed. Of course there are perverse natures, of whom +one is tempted at times to despair--irresponsible young persons who +would make wild havoc in any establishment left to their care; but I am +speaking of the average young girl, who may be expected to be +thoughtless and forgetful often, as is the way of youth, but who +nevertheless has the makings of a fine, gentle-hearted, noble woman in +her. + +"What shall we do with our daughters?" is one of the great questions of +the day. Formerly marriage was their only destiny; if they missed that, +they were supposed to have missed all that was worth the winning here. +But that old fallacy is exploded. While still holding that in happy +marriage is to be found the fullest and most soul-satisfying life for +women, no open-eyed person will deny that a single, independent, and +self-respecting life is far preferable to the miserable, starved, +inadequate wifehood to which many women are bound. Having dealt in a +former chapter with the question of matrimony, I must here avoid +repetition, but in connection with this subject of our daughters we must +touch upon it once again. The wise mother will rear her daughters to be +independent, self-respecting, and, if possible, self-supporting; not +hiding from them that she considers a real marriage (not the mockery of +it so often seen) the highest destiny for them, but at the same time +impressing on them that there are other spheres in which women may be as +happy and comfortable, and where they will certainly have less anxiety +and care. + +The woman who trains her daughters in the belief that marriage is their +only end and aim, the very _raison d'être_ of their being, is a +mistaken, despicable creature, and in all probability her daughters will +take after her. + +If they do not marry, then what is to become of our daughters? Of late +years their path of life has opened up more widely and clearly, and +though the avocations open to women are very crowded there is still room +for the best equipped. That is the secret,--to bring to the market the +highest value only, to render oneself as efficient as nature and +circumstances permit. I would have our girls fully comprehend that in +this age of unprecedented strain and stress there is absolutely no room +for mediocrity, and that they cannot afford to be anything but the most +efficient workers in whatever department they have made their own. There +is still room for the best, and persevering, conscientious labour, worth +the highest market value, sooner or later meets its due appreciation and +reward. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XIII. + +_THE SERVANT IN THE HOME._ + + +Any little book attempting to treat of home-life must necessarily be +incomplete without some reference to the place and power of the servant +therein. We housekeepers all know that this servant question is just as +pressing as any upon which we have yet touched, and it is one that is +with us every day. We cannot rid ourselves of it, even if we would, +because it involves so much of our domestic comfort and happiness. + +We of modern days are filled with a vague envy when we read of such +treasures as Caleb Balderstone, Bell of the Manse, and various other +types of a class now, we fear, extinct--the faithful servitor, who +lived in the service of one house for generations and desired to die in +it. Perhaps such types had their drawbacks likewise, and sometimes +presumed past endurance, doing what seemed good in their own eyes, and +that alone. But all that could be forgiven, because, weighed in the +balance with a lifelong devotion and loyalty and love, they were as +nothing. A few Calebs and Bells undoubtedly still exist, but the bulk of +modern housekeepers know them not, and regard them as pleasant creatures +of fiction, impossible to real life. + +Are servants really less efficient, less conscientious, less diligent +than they were? Or is it that we expect and exact more? Modern life has +undergone such a tremendous change, there have been so many upheavals in +relative positions, that we are inclined to think domestic service is +now regarded from a very different standpoint than it was fifty, or even +twenty, years ago. It is no longer regarded as honourable; those who +enter it seem to do so under protest, the result being a most +unsatisfactory relation within doors. Some blame education for this; and +yet it seems hard to believe that education, the pioneer of progress +everywhere and in all ages, should be responsible for such a distorted +view. Some will tell us that this very dissatisfaction is a sign of the +times, indicating the march of progress towards the time when all men +shall be equal, and no more lines of demarcation shall be drawn. Never +were wages higher; never, I am very sure, were domestic servants treated +with more consideration and respect; and yet the fact remains that girls +prefer almost any other occupation to it. They will stand for hours +behind a counter, suffering untold tortures from exhaustion and +insufficient food, content to receive a mere pittance, and subjected to +a system of espionage and bullying far harder to bear than anything +found in domestic service; and they will give you as their reasons, in +general, these: It is more genteel, they have their evenings and their +Sundays free, and they are not required to wear the livery of cap and +apron. These are the reasons, then; what are we to make of them? + +Can we make domestic service more genteel; give evenings and Sundays +free; and are we willing to dispense with the badge distinguishing maid +from mistress? These are the questions we have before us, waiting an +answer; in that answer perhaps may be found the solution of the whole +stupendous difficulty. + +I write under one disadvantage. I have never been a domestic servant, +and I cannot therefore look at the situation from that particular +standpoint; but I have had for some years servants under my roof, and I +have my own experiences of these years to guide me from the mistress's +point of view. During these years I can truthfully say that I have most +conscientiously, kindly, and systematically done my best to make them +happy; that I have considered them very often at the expense of my own +comfort; and though I have had no startling experiences whatsoever, I am +bound to admit that the result on the whole is not particularly +encouraging. I have seldom found that corresponding consideration, that +devotion to my concerns, that warm personal interest, which make one +feel that one has friends in the household. I have had my pound of +flesh, nothing more; they have done the work for which they have been +paid, sometimes well, but often carelessly; and that is all. When it +came to a question of personal consideration, of caring for my +substance, looking after my interests as I have honestly tried to look +after theirs, I have been disappointed, and now I expect no more, +thankful if I have average comfort, and do not have my nerves and temper +tried a hundred times a day. This I suppose is the experience of +two-thirds of the women who may read this book. + +Nobody feels more keenly than I do the monotonous drudgery of a +servant's life. Day in, day out, the same weary round; and while the +same may be said of all workers, in whatsoever estate they may find +themselves, yet is the lot of the domestic servant notoriously a dull +routine. I often wonder, indeed, that without that element of personal +interest which is the only thing to make the multitudinous and weary +round of household duties sweet, or in any way tolerable, she should do +it half so well; but, on the other hand, when one thinks of her absolute +freedom from care, sordid or otherwise, a feeling of impatience is bound +to arise. "All found" is a comprehensive phrase, and it is those who +have to "find" it who have the care, the thought, the anxious planning. + +How, then, can we establish a better understanding between mistress and +maid, how lift this question to its highest platform, and render the +service one which will be honoured and sought after, instead of +despised, and entered on under compulsion, or as a last resource? I +confess, for once, I am baffled completely, and beyond redemption. I +have thought of it long and earnestly, have done my best with my own +opportunities, and I have no glorified results to offer. I am as others, +worried and often weary, and grateful for every small mercy that comes +in my way. It seems to me that we want to enlarge our own minds and the +minds of those we take into our employ; we need a wider vision, which +shall lift us clean above mere petty and selfish concerns. That is a +baptism we all need. When shall it descend? + +I am forced to this conclusion--that it is this question of all others +that is absolutely dependent on the grace of God. We must have the true +spirit of Christianity in our kitchens and in our drawing-rooms,--that +spirit whose gracious teaching is never ambiguous or difficult to +understand; in a word, there is nothing but the Sermon on the Mount will +do us any good. Of human preaching, teaching, and writing we have enough +and to spare--it does not appear to go home, or to bear any practical +fruit. + +We can only pray that He, whose great heart is open now as it was then +to every human need, will help us to realise our responsibility to each +other, will give us new lessons in the law of love, and show us that +service is the highest form of praise, and that nothing is really small +or mean or despicable, except sin and the littleness of human aims. + +All work is honourable, nay, it is the highest calling on earth. It can +only be dishonoured in the doing. If each one, master and man, mistress +and maid, could adopt this attitude towards their daily duty to the +world and to each other, there would be found the solution of the +problem vexing the souls of so many at the present day. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XIV. + +_RELIGION IN THE HOME._ + + +Perhaps this chapter might more appropriately have been placed at the +beginning of the book than at the end, seeing we have in it the root of +the whole matter, the key to all happiness, fitness, comfort, and peace. +Religion is a word much misunderstood, yet it is given to us in the +Epistle of St. James in the clearest, most intelligible language,--"Pure +religion and undefiled is to visit the widows and the fatherless in +their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." + +It always seems to me that the former part of the injunction is easier +than the latter. There is so much in the world with which we must +combat, so much that, though we can avoid in one sense, comes so very +near to us, that it is well-nigh impossible to keep ourselves unspotted. +But though there is a great deal of evil around us, we must not be such +cowards as to shrink from facing it, and shut ourselves up in selfish +safety, lest it should come near us at all. This is not what the Apostle +means, for it is possible to be in the world and yet not of it, it is +written too that "to the pure all things are pure." What we have to do +is to see that in our inmost thoughts we are pure, not giving lodgment +in our mind to any unholy thing which if revealed would bring the blush +of shame to our cheek. But in the high standard of personal purity, +which we may rightly set up for ourselves, let us not be too arrogant, +or forgetful that such as fall away from purity may have been subjected +to such terrible temptations as we know nothing of. Let us cultivate +more of that Divine compassion towards them which Christ showed of old +towards the Magdalene. It is in matters of such immediate and personal +interest that the spirit of the religion we profess is to be +exhibited,--in a word, we must consecrate all to the high service God +requires of us, honouring us in the requirement. We are placed in this +world to be happy and useful; and though we are reminded many times by +personal sorrows and bereavements that we have no continuing city here, +yet the knowledge need not make us gloomy, or restless, or dissatisfied. + +In this lovely world, so full of beauty and variety, we are bidden to +rejoice; it is for our enjoyment and our use, there is no stint or +condition attached to our citizenship of God's earth. Nature is mother +to all, and has a message for the meanest and most tried of her +children; and it is a message of divinest love. Through Nature, His +handmaid, God speaks to us, giving us in the dawn of each new day, in +the return of each season, in the shining of the sun and the blessing +of the rain, grand and practical lessons in faith, fulfilment of +promises which should mean a great deal to us, and teach us more and +more to trust Him in all and through all. While we are in the world we +have a duty to it, and those who neglect or think lightly of the +practical and commonplace requirements of daily life are in the wrong. +What is needed is a deepened sense of responsibility concerning the +charge God has given us to keep for Him, in the house, the workshop, or +the busy mart of life. + +It is with the home we have presently to deal; and it is in the home, I +think, we need certainly, in as great a degree as elsewhere, all the aid +and stimulus religion can give. It teaches us to make the very best of +all our circumstances, adverse or pleasant; and aids us to the +performance of all duties, however monotonous or irksome in themselves. +It is not ours to inquire whether these duties are just what we would +desire or choose for ourselves, had choice remained with us. Religion +does not consist in the performance of religious ordinances, in +conscientious reading of the Word or the utterance of its formal +prayers; these are its attributes, its natural outcome, not by any means +the thing itself. Religion is, I take it, to be a principle, a powerful +guiding motive to direct us in the ordinary affairs of life, and its +mainspring is love. Love for whom? For the Lord Jesus. And if we love +Him, and truly desire to serve Him, it will be no difficulty for us, but +a natural and exquisite result, that we love one another. + +Even the enemies of Christ, who deny His divinity, admit the beauty and +perfectness of His character, and the unselfishness and holiness of His +earthly life. Since these three-and-thirty years He walked with men many +new Christs have risen, many new creeds and dogmas been offered for the +world's acceptance; but all have passed away, disappeared into +nothingness, and Christ remains, the mainstay and salvation of human +souls. His teaching is still the very best we can obtain for our +guidance here. Take the Sermon on the Mount, for instance. How perfect +it is, how comprehensive, how full of little things, and yet how +wide-reaching in its limit! There is nothing forgotten; nearly nineteen +hundred years old, and yet it is adapted for every need of the human +soul. If we could get the spirit of that blessed teaching more firmly +planted in our hearts, we could make the world a happier place for +ourselves and others. We are all fond of laying plans for the future; +and there are few of us who do not at least once a year review the past, +and make new resolves for the future. Some of us are constantly taking +retrospects, and sometimes feel hopeless. We seem to be making so little +progress in that higher life which we desire, and strive after in some +degree. In a twofold sense this looking back may be made profitable to +us. It must always, unless we are very hard of heart, make us grateful +for past mercies; and when we consider how wonderfully and tenderly we +have been led through difficulties and trials, or dangers, or guided +through the more perilous waters of prosperity and success, it will give +us greater heart to go forward to whatever may lie before us. When we +look back on lost opportunities, it must make us more watchful of those +present with us, and help us to give to each new day as it comes +something upon which we shall afterwards look back without regret. The +older I grow the more strongly do I feel that religion is a matter of +daily living--of practice, not precept; and that unless the Spirit of +Christ animate us in all our relations one to the other we name His name +in vain. And what a lovely spirit it was, unsullied by any trace of +selfishness, gentle, forbearing, long-suffering, just to the last +degree! + +It is this spirit alone that can sanctify and bless the home, and raise +all common life out of a sordid groove; that can make homely things +beautiful, and hard things, of which so many meet us on life's road, +easier to bear. Oh that we had a larger baptism of it; that we who so +long and strive for it could have it always with us! Human nature is so +perverse, and self so strong. Yet, even in its weakest efforts, this +earnest desire to live the religion Christ has taught us will not go +unblessed, but will make its little lesson felt wherever it is found. +Because it makes us more self-denying, more charitable, more forbearing +in every relation of life, it will make others inquire concerning the +hope that is in us. + + + "In hidden and unnoticed ways; + In household work, on common days," + + +we may do the Master's work, and make our homes altars to His glory. + +We want less talk and more action, less precept and more example, which +though reticent of speech is yet eloquent in testimony for good or for +evil. So, whatever be our lot or circumstances, whatever our joys and +sorrows, our losses or crosses, we may with confidence look ahead, and +our great compensation will not be lacking--"She hath done what she +could"; and again, "Well done, good and faithful servant: enter thou +into the joy of thy Lord." + + + +Printed by Hazell, Watson, & Viney, Ld., London and Aylesbury. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE*** + + +******* This file should be named 35963-8.txt or 35963-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/5/9/6/35963 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Swan</title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; +} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.tdr {text-align: right;} +.tdl {text-align: left;} + +.blockquote { + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + +.br {border-right: solid 2px;} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold;} + +/* Images */ +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + +.figleft { + float: left; + clear: left; + margin-left: 0; + margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 1em; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +.figright { + float: right; + clear: right; + margin-left: 1em; + margin-bottom: + 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 0; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +/* Poetry */ +.poem { + margin-left:10%; + margin-right:10%; + text-align: left; +} + +.poem br {display: none;} + +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem span.i0 { + display: block; + margin-left: 0em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i2 { + display: block; + margin-left: 2em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i4 { + display: block; + margin-left: 4em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + + hr.full { width: 100%; + margin-top: 3em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + height: 4px; + border-width: 4px 0 0 0; /* remove all borders except the top one */ + border-style: solid; + border-color: #000000; + clear: both; } + pre {font-size: 85%;} + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Courtship and Marriage, by Annie S. Swan</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Courtship and Marriage</p> +<p> And the Gentle Art of Home-Making</p> +<p>Author: Annie S. Swan</p> +<p>Release Date: April 25, 2011 [eBook #35963]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau, Stephanie Kovalchik,<br /> + and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="500" height="741" alt="Title cover." title="Title cover." /> +<span class="caption">Title cover.</span> +</div> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i001.jpg" width="500" height="648" alt="Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan." title="Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan." /> +<span class="caption">Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan.</span> +</div> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<h3><i>Twenty-fourth thousand.</i></h3> + + +<br /> +<br /> + +<h2>Courtship and Marriage</h2> + +<h2>and</h2> + +<h2>The Gentle Art of Home-Making.</h2> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">by</p> + +<p class="center">ANNIE S. SWAN</p> + +<p class="center">(Mrs. Burnett-Smith),</p> + +<p class="center">AUTHOR OF</p> +<p class="center">"A BITTER DEBT," "HOMESPUN," "ALDERSYDE," ETC., ETC.</p> + + +<br /> +<br /> + + +<p class="center"> +"<i>Love is the incense that doth sweeten earth.</i>" +</p> + + +<p class="center"> +"<i>Be it ever so humble, + There's no place like home.</i>" +</p> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">LONDON, 1894:</p> + +<p class="center"><i>HUTCHINSON & CO., 34, PATERNOSTER ROW.</i></p> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">New Books</p> + +<p class="center">By ANNIE S. SWAN.</p> + + +<p class="center"><b>A BITTER DEBT.</b></p> + +<p class="center">A TALE OF THE BLACK COUNTRY.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>In large crown 8vo, handsome cloth gilt binding, with +illustrations by D. Murray-Smith. Price 5s.</i></p> + + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">Thirty-second Thousand.</p> + +<p class="center"><b>HOMESPUN:</b></p> + +<p class="center">A STUDY OF A SIMPLE FOLK.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>In cloth, gilt, 1s. 6d., paper, 1s. with Illustrations.</i></p> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<blockquote><p>"The language is perfect; the highest strings of humanity + are touched."—<i>Athenĉum.</i></p></blockquote> + +<blockquote><p>"'Homespun' is excellent, a masterpiece. It is told with + great skill, and quiet but genuine power. The story will + long be a favourite in Scotland, and is sure to be widely + read in England."—<i>British Weekly.</i></p></blockquote> + +<blockquote><p>"Power and felicity are in evidence on every page."—<i>Glasgow + Herald.</i></p></blockquote> + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">London: HUTCHINSON & Co., 34, Paternoster Row.</p> + + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + + +<p class="center">TO</p> + +<p class="center">The Loved Memory</p> + +<p class="center">OF</p> + +<p class="center">MY FATHER.</p> + +<br /> + +<p class="center">"An honest man—the noblest work of God."<br /></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i006.jpg" width="700" height="182" alt="Illustration Contents" title="Illustration Contents" /> +</div> + + + +<h3>CONTENTS.</h3> + + +<table summary="CONTENTS"> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">CHAP.</td> +<td class="tdl"> </td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr">PAGE</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">I.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE LOVERS</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-I">7</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">II.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE IDEAL WIFE</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-II">19</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">III.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE IDEAL HUSBAND</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-III">30</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">IV.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-IV">43</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">V.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE IDEAL HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-V">56</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VI.</td> +<td class="tdl">KEEPING THE HOUSE</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-VI">64</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VII.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE TRUEST ECONOMY</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-VII">72</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">VIII.</td> +<td class="tdl">ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-VIII">80</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">IX.</td> +<td class="tdl">MOTHERHOOD</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-IX">90</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">X.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE SON IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-X">99</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XI.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XI">109</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XII.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE EDUCATION OF OUR DAUGHTERS</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XII">117</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XIII.</td> +<td class="tdl">THE SERVANT IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XIII">128</a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdr">XIV.</td> +<td class="tdl">RELIGION IN THE HOME</td> +<td></td> +<td class="tdr"><a href="#Chapter-XIV">136</a></td> +</tr> +</table> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i008.jpg" width="700" height="216" alt="Illustration 1" title="Illustration 1" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.</h2> + +<br /> + +<h3><a name="Chapter-I" id="Chapter-I">I. THE LOVERS.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 99px;"> +<img src="images/i008a.jpg" width="99" height="100" alt="Chapter 1 decorative initial O" title="Chapter 1 decorative initial O" /> +</div><p>f this truly gentle art we do not hear +a great deal. It has no academies +connected with its name, no learned body +of directors or councillors, no diplomas or +graduation honours; yet curiously enough +it offers more enduring consequences than +any other art which makes more noise in +the world. Its business is the most serious +business of life, fraught with the mightiest +issues here and hereafter—viz., the moulding +of human character and the guiding +of human conduct. It is right and fitting, +then, that it should demand from us some +serious attention, and we may with profit +consider how it can best be fostered and +made competent to bless the greatest number, +which, I take it, is the <i>ultima Thule</i> of all +art. To trace this gentle art from its early +stages we must first consider, I think, the +relation to each other before marriage of the +young pair who aim at the upbuilding of +a home, wherein they shall not only be happy +themselves, but which, in their best moments, +when the heavenly and the ideal is before +them, they hope to make a centre of influence +from which shall go forth means of grace +and blessing to others.</p> + +<p>I do not feel that any apology is required +for my desire to linger a little over that old-fashioned +yet ever-new phase of life known +as courting days. It is one which is oftener +made a jest of than a serious study; yet such +is its perennial freshness and interest for +men and women, that it can never become +threadbare; and though there cannot be +much left that is new or original to say +about it, yet a few thoughts from a woman's +point of view may not be altogether unacceptable. +We are constantly being told +that we live in a hard, prosaic age, that +romance has no place in our century, and +that the rush and the fever of life have left +but little time or inclination for the old-time +grace and leisure with which our grandfathers +and grandmothers loved, wooed, and wed.</p> + +<p>This study of human nature is my business, +and it appears to me that the world +is very much as it was—that Eden is still +possible to those who are fit for it; and +it is beyond question that love, courtship, +and marriage are words to conjure with in +the garden of youth, and that a love-story +has yet the power to charm even sober +men and women of middle age, for whom +romance is mistakenly supposed to be over.</p> + +<p>Every man goes to woo in his own way, +and the woman he woos is apt to think it +the best way in the world; it would be +superfluous for a mere outsider to criticise +it. Examples might be multiplied; in the +novels we read we have variety and to +spare. We know the types well. Let me +enumerate a few. The diffident youth, +weighed down with a sense of his own +unworthiness, approaching his divinity with +a blush and a stammer; and in some extreme +cases—these much affected by the +novelists of an earlier decade—going down +upon his knees; the bold wooer, who +believes in storming the citadel, and is +visited by no misgiving qualms; the cautious +one, who counts the cost, and tries to make +sure of his answer beforehand,—the only +case in which I believe that a woman has +a right to exercise the qualities of the +coquette; then we have also the victim of +extreme shyness, who would never come +to the point at all without a little assistance +from the other side. There are other types,—the +schemer and the self-seeker, whose +matrimonial ventures are only intended to +advance worldly interests. We need not +begin to dissect them—it would not be a +profitable occupation.</p> + +<p>Well, while not seeking or attempting to +lay down rules or offer any proposition as +final, there are sundry large and general principles +which may be touched upon to aid us +in looking at this interesting subject from a +sympathetic and common-sense point of view.</p> + +<p>Most people, looking back, think their +own romance the most beautiful in the +world, even if it sometimes lacked that dignity +which the onlooker thought desirable.</p> + +<p>It is a crisis in the life of a young maiden +when she becomes conscious for the first +time that she is an object of special interest +to a member of the opposite sex; that interest +being conveyed in a thousand delicate yet +unmistakable ways, which cause a strange +flutter at her heart, and make her examine +her own feelings to find whether there be +a responsive chord. The modest, sensible, +womanly girl, who is not yet extinct, in +spite of sundry croakers, will know much +better than anybody can tell her how to +adjust her own conduct at this crisis in +her life. Her own innate delicacy and +niceness of perception will guide her how +to act, and if the attentions be acceptable +to her she will give just the right meed of +encouragement, so that the course of true +love may run smoothly towards consummation. +Of course the usual squalls and +cross currents must be looked for—else +would that delightful period of life be +robbed of its chief zest and charm, to say +nothing of the unhappy novelist's occupation, +which would undoubtedly be gone for ever.</p> + +<p>There have occasionally been discussions +as to the desirability of long engagements, +and there are sufficient arguments both for +and against; but the best course appears +to be, as in most other affairs of life, to try +and strike the happy medium. Of necessity, +circumstances alter cases. When the young +pair have known each other for a long period +of years, and there are no obstacles in the way, +the long engagement is then superfluous.</p> + +<p>But in cases where an attachment arises +out of a very brief acquaintance, I should +think it desirable that some little time +should be given for the pair to know +something of each other before incurring +the serious responsibility of life together. +Of course it is true that you cannot +thoroughly know a person till you live +with him or her; yet it is surely possible +to form a fair estimate of personal +character before entering on that crucial +ordeal, and there is no doubt that fair opportunity +given for such estimate considerably +reduces the matrimonial risk. That +the risk is great and serious even the most +giddy and thoughtless will not deny. No +doubt both men and maidens are on their +best behaviour during courting days; still, +if a mask be worn, it must of necessity +sometimes be drawn aside, and a glimpse +of the real personality obtained.</p> + +<p>It is not for me to say what should or +should not be the conduct of a young man +during his period of probation, though of +course I may be allowed my own ideas +concerning it. One thing, however, is very +sure, and that is, that if he truly and +whole-heartedly love the woman he desires +to make his wife, this pure and ennobling +passion, which I believe to be a "means of +grace" to every man, will arouse all that +is best and purest and highest in him,—that +is, if the woman be worthy his regard, +and capable of exercising such an influence +over him. It is possible for a man to +deteriorate under the constant companionship +of a light-minded, frivolous woman, +who by force of her personal attractions +and fascinations can keep him at her side, +even against his better judgment. But +only for a time: the woman who has +beauty only, and does not possess those +lasting qualities, stability of mind and +purity of heart, will not long retain her +hold upon the affections she has won. I +will do men credit to believe that they +desire something more in a wife than +mere physical attractions, though these are +by no means to be despised. I am sure +every unmarried man hopes to find in +the wife he may yet marry a companion +and a sympathiser, who will wear the same +steadfast and lovely look on grey days as +well as gold.</p> + +<p>I once heard a young Scotch working +man give his definition of a good wife—"A +woman who will be the same to you +on off-Saturday as pay Saturday." Nor +was he very wide of the mark. I have no +sort of hesitation in laying down a law +for the guidance of young women during +that halcyon time "being engaged." She +knows very well, without any telling from +me, that her influence is almost without +limit. In these days before marriage the +haunting fear of losing her is before her +lover's mind, making him at once humble +and pliable, and it is then that the wise, +womanly girl sows the seed which will +bear rich harvest in the more prosaic days +of married life, when many engrossing cares +are apt to wean her from the finer shading +of higher things.</p> + +<p>And here I would wish to emphasise one +inexorable fact, which is too often passed +by or made light of. I do not set it down +in a bitter or pessimistic spirit, but simply +stating what men and women of larger experience +know to be true: what a man will +not give up for a woman before marriage, +he never will after. Therefore no young +girl can make a more profound mistake +than to marry a man of doubtful habits in +the hope of reforming him after she is his +wife. The reformation must be begun, if +not ended before, or the risks are perilous +indeed. She will probably repent her folly +in sadness and tears. And here I would +protest, and solemnly, against that view, +held by some women, I believe, though I +hope they are few: that a man is none +the worse for having been a little fast. It is +a most dangerous creed, and one which has +done much to lower the morals of this and +other days. Let us reverse the position, +and ask whether any man in his right +mind will admit as much in regarding the +woman he would make his wife. If it is +imperative that she should be blameless and +pure, let him see to it that his record also is +clean—that he is fit to mate with her. And +I would implore the mistaken and foolish +girls who entertain an idea so false to +every principle of righteousness and purity +to put it from them for ever, and exact from +the men to whom they give themselves so +absolutely and irrevocably, a standard of +purity as high as that set for them. I +speak strongly on this subject because it +is one on which I feel so very strongly. +There is no necessity for priggishness or +preaching; the womanly woman, true to the +highest ideal, the ideal which God has set +for her, can surround herself with that +atmosphere, indescribable, undefinable, but +in the presence of which impurity and lightness +of speech or behaviour cannot live. I +believe women are our great moral teachers—would +that more of them would awaken to +the stupendous greatness of their calling!</p> + +<p>Love is the most wonderful educator in +the world; it opens up worlds and possibilities +undreamed of to those to whom it +comes, the gift of God. I am speaking of +love which is worthy of the name, not of +its many counterfeits. The genuine article +only, based upon respect and esteem, can +stand the test of time, the wear and tear of +life; the love which is the wine of life, more +stimulating and more heart-inspiring when +the days are dark than at any other time,—the +love which rises to the occasion, and +which many waters cannot quench.</p> + +<p>Blessed be God that it is still as possible +to us men and women of to-day as to +the pair that dwelt in Eden!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i020.jpg" width="700" height="221" alt="Illustration 2" title="Illustration 2" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-II" id="Chapter-II">II. THE IDEAL WIFE.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 92px;"> +<img src="images/i020a.jpg" width="92" height="100" alt="Chapter 2 decorative initial N" title="Chapter 2 decorative initial N" /> +</div><p>ow having brought our young pair +so far on the road, we must needs +go a step farther, and see what grit is in +them for the plain prose of daily life; not +that we admit or hint for a moment that +poetry must be laid aside, only the prose +may, very likely will, demand their first +consideration. If the novels most eagerly +read, most constantly sought after at the +libraries and book-shops, are any sign of the +times, we may feel very certain that marriage +has caused no diminution of interest +in those looking on, but rather the reverse, +so we may follow them without hesitation +across the threshold of their new home.</p> + +<p>And as the wife is properly supposed to +be the light and centre of the home, we +must first consider her position in it, and +her fitness for it. It is by no means so +easy to fill the position successfully as the +uninitiated are apt to suppose; and I have +no hesitation in saying that the first year +of married life is a crucial test of a woman's +disposition and character. It brings out +her individuality in bold relief, shows her +at her worst and best. She has to give +herself so entirely and unreservedly, and in +many cases to merge her individuality in +that of another, that to do it with grace +requires a considerable drain on her fund +of unselfishness. It is even more difficult +in cases where the wife has come from a +home where she was idolised, and perhaps +indulged a great deal more than was good +for her.</p> + +<p>It seems to me that one of the most +valuable qualities the new wife can take +with her is unselfishness. Equipped with +that, everything else will come easily.</p> + +<p>While it is true that she is required, to +a certain extent, sometimes greater and +sometimes less, to take a back place, she +must be careful not to lose her individuality, +to become merely an echo of her husband, +to render herself insipid. It is a fine distinction, +perhaps, but necessary to observe, +because I am sure there is no man here +present, married or unmarried, or anywhere +else, unless a fool, who would wish to be +tied for life to a nonentity.</p> + +<p>The woman who dearly loves her husband +will never seek to usurp his place as +head of the house; nay, she will delight to +keep herself in the background if by so +doing he can show to more advantage. +Even if nature has endowed her with gifts +more richly than her spouse, she will be +careful, out of the very wealth of her love, +not to make the contrast observable.</p> + +<p>It has been said that men prefer as wives +women whose intelligence is not above the +average; but is that not a libel on the sex? +The higher the intelligence the more satisfactory +the performance of the duties +required of a reasonable being; and I would +therefore insist that the woman of large +brain power, provided she has well-balanced +judgment, and a heart as expansive as her +brain, will more nearly approach the ideal +in matrimony than the more frivolous +woman, who has no thought beyond her +personal aggrandisement and adornment, +and who buys her new bonnet with a kiss.</p> + +<p>The woman who looks with intelligent +interest upon the large questions affecting +the welfare of the world is likely to bring a +more wide and loving sympathy to bear +upon the concerns of more immediate +moment to her, and which affect the welfare +of all within the walls of her home.</p> + +<p>I am old-fashioned enough to think these +latter should be her first concern, but in her +large heart she may have room for many +more; for when the outlook is narrow and +mean, when nothing is deemed of consequence +except what affects self and those +circled by selfish interest, life becomes a +poor thing, and human nature a stunted and +miserable quality. I have known, as, I +daresay, you also have known, women +whose whole talk is "my home," "my +husband," "my children," until one grows +weary of the selfish iteration, and prays to +be delivered from it.</p> + +<p>We have of late years had much amusing +and perhaps, in some remote degree, profitable +newspaper discussion on the subject +of married life, and the respective merits of +wives. On the whole, the wife, I think, has +fared but badly at the hands of her critics. +She is a great grievance to some, it would +appear, from the minuteness with which her +faults and failings have been enumerated. +That she may have her uses has been somewhat +grudgingly admitted; that she may in +some rare instances sweeten the desert of +life for her mate is not absolutely denied; +but in the main she is judged to have fallen +short—in a word, she is <i>not</i> ideal. Of +course such discussion and such verdict is +but the froth on a passing wave; still, it +serves to illustrate my contention that there +is no subject on earth of more surpassing +interest to men and women than this very +theme we are considering. The men who +have written on the subject lay great +stress on a loving disposition and an +amiable temper, which are indeed two most +powerful factors in the scene of wedded +happiness. An amiable temper is a gift of +God which cannot be too highly prized, +since those who have it not must be constantly +at war with self. When combined +with these sweet qualities is a large meed of +common sense, which accepts the inevitable, +even if it bring disappointment and disillusionment +in its train, with a cheerful +philosophy, then is the happiness of married +life secured. The buffets of fortune cannot +touch it—its house is builded on a rock.</p> + +<p>It is Lady Henry Somerset, I think, who +has said that sentimentality has been from +time immemorial the curse of woman. +There is a great deal of truth in the remark. +We want women to be delivered from this +sickly thrall of sentimentality—which word +I use as distinct from sentiment, a very +different quality indeed; we desire them to +take wider, healthier, sounder views of life.</p> + +<p>In fiction it is no longer considered +necessary to bring one's heroine to the +very verge of a decline in order to make +her interesting; and nobody now has +much sympathy with Thackeray's favourite +Amelia, and other limp young women who +are dissolved in tears on the smallest provocation, +sometimes on none at all.</p> + +<p>No, we want a more robust womanhood +than that, sound of body and sound of mind, +in order that our homes may be happy and +well regulated, our children born and reared +fit for the battle of life. A well-known +novelist, lecturing recently on the younger +generation of fiction-writers, remarked that +Robert Louis Stevenson, in ignoring +woman so much in his works, had passed +by the most picturesque part of human life. +The contention was perfectly unimpeachable +from the artistic point of view; but we aim, +I trust, at being something more than +picturesque. While not disdaining the high +privilege of giving the romance and sweetness +to life, we would desire also to be +strong, capable, serviceable to our day and +generation. So and so only can we hope to +be the equal and the friend of man. But in +this worthy aim we have to steer clear of +many quicksands; we must avoid the very +semblance of usurpation or imitation.</p> + +<p>Surely we are sufficiently endowed with +our own gifts and graces, so powerful in +their influence, that I need not enumerate +or expatiate upon them here.</p> + +<p>Let us not forget that in true womanliness +is our strength, and that the end of +our being is to comfort and bless and love—never +to usurp.</p> + +<p>What can be more melancholy than to +live with a grumbler, to sit opposite a face +prematurely wrinkled at the brows and +down-drooped at the lips? I have in my +mind's eye, as perhaps you have in yours, +such a woman, tied to the best of good +fellows, who, through no fault of his own, +has not as yet made such headway in life +as was expected of him. And his Nemesis +sits at home, querulous and fretful because +her establishment is more modest than her +ambition, her possessions than her pretensions. +Life is embittered to him; hope has +died: if love follow it sadly to the bier, who +can blame him? Certainly not the woman +who has been a hindrance and not a help, +one whose reproaches, tacit and acknowledged, +have caused the iron to enter into +his soul. It is such women who send men +to mental and moral destruction, nor is their +punishment lacking.</p> + +<p>The ideal wife, then, will sedulously cultivate +the happy spirit of contentment, and +make the best of everything, not seeking to +add to the burden an already overworked +husband may have to carry. It is not the +abundance of worldly possessions which +makes happiness. I can speak from personal +experience, and I could tell you a +story of a young pair who began life in very +humble circumstances, in the face of much +opposition, and who, by dint of honest, faithful, +united endeavours, overcame obstacles +over which Experience shook her head and +called insurmountable. And the struggle +being over, the memory of it is sweet beyond +all telling,—the little shifts to make +ends meet, the constant planning and striving, +the simple pleasures won by waiting +and hard work, are possessions which they +would not barter for untold gold.</p> + +<p>The woman who loves and is beloved +finds herself strong to bear the ills that +may meet her from day to day. We have +much to bear physically, and it is hard to +carry always a bright spirit in a frail body; +but we have our compensations, which are +many. They will at once occur to every +sympathetic and discerning heart, but are +they not after all summed up in the +eloquent words of Holy Writ, "The heart +of her husband doth safely trust in her;" +"Her children arise and call her blessed"?</p> + +<p>And these, after all, are the heavenliest +gifts for women here below, and the wise +woman, so blessed, will always feel that her +possessions are greater than her needs, and +in her loving service, for her own first, and +afterwards for all whom her blessed influence +can reach, will as near as possible +approach the ideal. With God, tender to +Woman always, we may safely leave +the rest.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i031.jpg" width="700" height="221" alt="Illustration 3" title="Illustration 3" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-III" id="Chapter-III">III. THE IDEAL HUSBAND.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 102px;"> +<img src="images/i031a.jpg" width="102" height="100" alt="Chapter 3 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 3 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>he duties and obligations of the +husband in the house are surely not +less binding than those of the wife; he has +to contribute his share towards its happiness +or misery. The ideal husband, from a +woman's point of view, is a many-sided +creature; but his outstanding characteristic +must of necessity be his power to make the +home of which he is the head come as +near to the heavenly type as may be in this +mundane sphere. However wise and wifely +and absolutely conscientious in her endeavour +the wife may be, she cannot unaided +make the perfect home—it must be a joint +concern. The pity of it is we so often see +two, bound together by the closest and most +indissoluble of all earthly ties, walking their +separate ways, forgetful of both spirit and +letter of their marriage vows. This home-making +and home-keeping quality is the +very wherefore of the man's existence as a +husband; for his home with its shelter, +adequate or inadequate, is all he has to +offer in exchange for the woman who has +given him herself. If she be cheated of +her birthright here, she may consider herself +poor indeed.</p> + +<p>There are undoubtedly very many selfish +and purely self-seeking women, who starve +the atmosphere about them; but as a rule +the beauty of true unselfishness is oftener +found adorning the female character than +the male. Nobody attempts to deny this, +therefore when we meet a truly unselfish +man we must regard him with reverence, +as a being truly great. It is without doubt +a more arduous task for a man to cultivate +the unselfish spirit, because the training of +the race for centuries has rather tended to +the fostering of selfishness in him—woman +having for long been cheated of her lawful +place and power in the scheme of creation.</p> + +<p>The quality most of all admired by +woman in man is manliness: she can forgive +almost anything but his lack of courage.</p> + +<p>The manly man, conscious of his strength, +is of necessity tender and considerate towards +those weaker than himself, and so wins +their confidence and love. When he marries, +therefore, he takes a wife to shield her from +the rude blasts of the world; all that his +care and tenderness can do will be done to +make lighter for her the ordinary burdens +of life. Nor will he expect impossibilities, +nor growl because he finds he has married +a very human woman, with a great many +needs and wants. Angels do not mate with +mortals, the contrast would be too one-sided.</p> + +<p>It is well with the man who has in his +wife not only a bright companion for his +days of sunshine, but who in the crises of +his life finds in her heart the jewel of +common sense and the pearl of a quick +understanding. The wife who comprehends +him at once when he says expenditure has +been too heavy, that it must be reduced to +meet the altered finances, and who not +only comprehends, but cheerfully acquiesces, +planning with him how retrenchment can +best be carried out; the wife to whom the +lack of the new bonnet or the new carpet is +a matter of small moment,—she it is who +makes glad the heart of her husband. Ay, +but what kind of a husband? He must first +deserve this jewel before he can expect her +to display those qualities which money cannot +buy, but which prevent marriage from +being the failure sundry croakers would +have us believe. How is he to deserve +her? how win her to this most desirable +height of perfection? By treating her as +an entirely reasonable being, which most +women are, in spite of many affirmations to +the contrary.</p> + +<p>The monetary basis of the engagement +matrimonial is not, unfortunately, always +sound. How common it is for a man to keep +his wife in utter ignorance of the state of +his affairs, thus depriving her of the only +safe guide she can have in the conduct of +her domestic affairs! If a woman is to be +a man's true helpmeet, she must stand +shoulder to shoulder with him in everything, +sharing as far as is possible his anxieties +and his hopes, and by judicious expenditure +of his means aiding him to the best position +it is possible for him to attain. Of course +there are poor silly creatures fit to be wife +to no man, who do not deserve and could +not appreciate confidence, and who are +lamentably ignorant of the value of £ <i>s. d.</i> +But the majority of wives, I would hope, +possess sufficient common sense to comprehend +the simple questions of income and +expenditure when candidly placed before +them. How delightful, as well as imperative, +to go into a committee of ways and +means periodically, talking over everything +confidentially, and feeling the sweet bond +of union growing closer and dearer because +of the cares and worries none can escape, +though love and sympathy can make them +light!</p> + +<p>There is a type of husband—unfortunately +rather common—who begrudges his wife, +whatever her character and disposition, every +penny she spends, even though it is spent +primarily for his own comfort, and who has +never in his life cheerfully opened out to +her his purse, whatever he may have done +with the thing he calls his heart. This +is a very serious matter, and one which +presses heavily on the hearts of many wives. +It is hard for a young girl, who may in her +father's house have had pocket money +always to supply her simple needs, to find +herself after marriage practically penniless—having +to ask for every penny she +requires, and often to explain minutely how +and where it is to be spent. I have +known a man who required an absolute +account of every halfpenny spent by his +wife, and who took from her change of the +shilling he had given her for a cab fare. +We must pray, for the credit of the sex, +that there are few so lost to all gentlemanly +feeling, to speak of nothing else; but it is +certain that, through thoughtlessness as +much as stinginess often, many sensitive +women suffer keenly from this form of +humiliation. It ought not to be. If a +woman is worthy to be trusted with a +man's honour, which is supposed to be +more valuable to him than his gold, let her +likewise be trusted with a little of the +latter, without having to crave it and +answer for it as a servant sent on an errand +counts out the copper change to her master +on her return. There are many little +harmless trifles a woman wants, many +small kindnesses she would do on the +impulse of the moment, had she money in +her purse; and though she may sometimes +not be altogether wise, she is blessed in the +doing, and nobody is the poorer. However +small a man's income, there are surely a +few odd shillings the wife might have for +her very own, if only to gratify her harmless +little whims, and to make her feel that she +sometimes has a penny to spare. It is +quite desirable, I think, that there should +be, even where means are limited (I am not +of course alluding to working people whose +weekly wage is barely sufficient for family +needs), some arrangement whereby the +wife may have something, however small, +upon which she can depend, and which she +can spend when and how she pleases.</p> + +<p>Some indulgent fathers, foreseeing the +possibility of their daughters feeling the +lack of a little money, continue their +allowance to their married daughters; but +there are very few husbands, one would +think, who would care to leave their wives +so dependent for little luxuries it should be +their privilege to supply.</p> + +<p>The labourer is surely worthy of his +hire; and the wife, upon whose shoulders +the domestic load presses most heavily, +is as justly entitled to her payment as +her housemaid, whose duties are more +clearly defined. Some high-flown personages +may think this a very gross view of +the case, and say, perchance, that where +love is there can never be any hardship +felt. But I know that I touch upon what +is a sore point with many women, and I +can only hope that if any stingy husbands +read these words they will try a little experiment +on their own account, and see how +the unexpected gift of a little money, +offered lovingly, can bring the light back +to eyes which have grown a little weary, +and smooth the lines away from a brow +which care has wrinkled before its time.</p> + +<p>The ideal husband we are considering +will also be a home-keeping husband. Let +me not here be misunderstood. No sensible +woman will desire to keep her husband +always at her side, nor can any woman +make a more profound mistake than to try +and wean the man she has married away +from all his old friends and associations. I +am speaking of good men, of course, whose +friends and associations are such as she +need not regard with apprehension. Yet +it is a mistake which many women make, +and it is a common saying with the +bachelors who may miss a certain bright +spirit from their midst, "Oh, nobody ever +sees him now, he's married!" And there +is a peculiar emphasis on the last word +which you must hear to appreciate, but it +signifies that he is as good as dead.</p> + +<p>Now why should this be? The wise +wife, instead of being so small-minded and +jealous, should try to remember that there +is a side of man's nature which demands +sympathy and contact with his own sex—and +also that her husband knew and loved +these old friends of his perhaps before he +ever saw her. Let her try instead to make +them all so welcome in her home that they +will come and come again, and instead +of pitying her husband because he has +got his head into a noose will go away +thinking him a lucky fellow. This is not +an impossibility. It can be done.</p> + +<p>But while this husband of ours does not +give up his old friends of his own sex, nor +abjure all the manly pursuits and recreations +so dear to his soul in his state of bachelorhood, +he will take care that they do not +absorb an undue share of his leisure, but will +prefer home and wife to them all, and <i>let +her know it</i>. He will not be above expressing +his satisfaction when his home suddenly +strikes him with more force than usual as +being the sweetest place on earth; he will +say so just as frankly as he finds fault +when there is just cause for complaint; and +she will return it by a loving interest +pressed down and running over, or I am +neither woman nor wife.</p> + +<p>The ideal husband, then, is no more +perfect than the ideal wife; nor would she +wish him to be other than he is, manly, +generous, kindly-hearted, well-conditioned, +and, above all things, true as steel. That +he occasionally loses his temper, and does +many thoughtless and stupid things, makes +no difference so long as his heart is pure +and tender and true.</p> + +<p>The ideal relationship betwixt husband +and wife has always appeared to me to +be comradeship,—a standing shoulder to +shoulder, upholding each other through +thick and thin, and above all keeping their +inner sanctuary sacred from the world. +What says one of our greatest teachers in +"Romola"?—"She who willingly lifts the +veil from her married life transforms it from +a sanctuary into a vulgar place." These are +solemn words, solemn and true. We have +in these strange days too much publicity—the +fierce light beats not only on the +throne but on the humbler home. The +craving for details relating to the private +life of those who may in any degree stand +out among their fellows has developed into a +species of disease. Kept within due bounds +this curiosity is in itself harmless, and may +be to a certain extent gratified, but the +privacy of domestic life cannot be too +sacredly guarded; the home ought to be +to tired men and women a veritable sanctuary +where they can be at peace.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i044.jpg" width="700" height="191" alt="Illustration 4" title="Illustration 4" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-IV" id="Chapter-IV">IV. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 92px;"> +<img src="images/i044a.jpg" width="92" height="100" alt="Chapter 4 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 4 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>his is the crucial period in the lives +of most married people; the test +which decides the wisdom or the folly of +the step they have taken. Now, when the +irrevocable words have been said, the vow +taken for better or for worse, and the door +shut upon the outside world, if any mask +has been worn it is laid aside and true self +revealed. To some this means disillusionment, +and disappointment is inevitable, +since marriage is entered on from a great +variety of motives, and love is not always +the first and most potent. With these, +meanwhile, we do not propose to deal; +their punishment is certain, since there can +be no misery on earth more hopeless and +more galling than the misery of a loveless +marriage.</p> + +<p>But even ordinary happy and sensible +people, who have married for love, and who +honestly desire to make their home as far +as possible an earthly paradise, cannot +escape the inevitable strain of this first year +of married life. To begin with, it is a trite +saying that you cannot know a person until +you live with him or her; and people come +to years of maturity have formed habits of +thought and action which may, in some +cases must, clash with those of the other +with whom they are brought into contact +every day. Contact, too, from which it is +impossible to escape. You meet in business +and society many persons with whom you +find it difficult to agree, whose opinions jar +upon you, and who rub you the wrong +way, and you find it irksome enough to +meet such a person even occasionally; +imagine, then, what it would be like were +you placed in, or forced to endure, his or +her companionship every day. Yet such is +the experience of some married persons, +who have rushed into matrimony without +due knowledge or consideration.</p> + +<p>But leaving these extreme cases out of +the question, meanwhile let us think of the +test of perpetual companionship as applied +to an ordinary pair who enter on married +life with the ordinary prospect of happiness.</p> + +<p>During the days of courtship and engagement +they, of course, saw a good deal of +each other, and got to know, as they +thought, every peculiarity and characteristic. +Sometimes, even, they had quarrels +arising out of trifles, foolish misunderstandings +which caused serious heart-burnings, +none of which, however, were of +long duration; and the making up was +invariably sweet enough to atone for the +temporary misery, and help to make up +the poetry of life. But the lovers' quarrel +and the quarrel matrimonial are entirely +different; and while the former is usually +but a passing breeze, the latter is more +serious, and to be avoided almost at any +cost. We want fair winds always, if +possible, to speed our matrimonial barque; +we do not wish its timbers shaken by the +whirlwind of passion.</p> + +<p>We have all our little peculiarities, excrescences +of character which are apt to +rub roughly against our neighbours' sensibilities, +let us not, when feeling these drawbacks, +forget our own. We are so apt to +magnify in others, and to minimise in +ourselves.</p> + +<p>It is easy to be on good behaviour with +a person we only see occasionally, even +every day, so long as the cares and +worries of life are in the background, never +obtruded, however heavily they press, because +these short moments are too precious +to be clouded in any way. It is easy to +be unselfish for a little while; to bow, now +and then, absolutely to another's will; to +suffer discomfort once a week, if necessary, +to make a dear one comfortable. All such +little sacrifices during courting days seem +but a privilege, and make up the poetry +of that happy time.</p> + +<p>But the day comes sooner or later to the +married pair, when the prose pages must be +turned, and poetry relegated to the background, +days on which the reality of life, +in all its grim nakedness, seems to banish +romance, and when love needs all its +strength and staying power for the fight. +The common-sense man or woman, of which +type a few examples yet remain with us, +will prepare themselves for the slight disappointments +which are inevitable, when +two people, regarding each other from an +adoring distance, and having invested each +other with many exaggerated gifts and +graces, put themselves voluntarily to the +test of everyday life, with all its prosaic +details, its crosses and losses, its silences +and its tears. It is like making a new +acquaintance, having to meet each other in +all situations, and in various unromantic +and sometimes supremely trying conditions. +Edwin pacing his chamber floor anathematising +a buttonless shirt is a picture our +comic journals have made familiar to us; +and Angelina in her curl-papers and untidy +morning gown looks a different being from +the sylph in evening attire all smiles and +blushes. These extreme examples serve only +to illustrate my contention, that the closeness +of the marriage relation carries its peril +with it. To the man or woman, however, +who marries for that love which is based on +the qualities of both head and heart, and +who knows that daily life, with its rubs and +scrubs, will sometimes mar the sweetest +temper and cloud the serenest brow, +there cannot come any serious disillusionment. +Loving each other dearly, they +remember they are but human; and as perfection +is not inborn in humanity, they +accept each other's faults and shortcomings +gracefully, not magnifying them sourly and +grumblingly, but bearing with them, and +rejoicing in and accepting the good.</p> + +<p>Domestic life to the young and untried +housekeeper is something of an ordeal. +She may have had her own place in her +father's home, her own special duties to +attend to, even her own share of responsibility. +Still, it is an altogether different +matter to have the entire care of a household, +to guide all its concerns, and be +responsible for the domestic comfort of all +within the four walls of the house. Happy +the young wife who had a wise mother, +and came well-equipped from the parental +home.</p> + +<p>There is no more fruitful source of +the disappointment and disillusionment of +which we have been speaking than incapacity +on the part of the young wife to +steer the domestic boat. All men like creature +comforts, and are more keenly sensible +perhaps than women to the advantages of +a well-ordered home. We all know how +women living alone are apt to neglect themselves +in the matter of preparing regular +and substantial meals; and how many suffer +thereby. A good dinner is more to a man +than it is to a woman; and, for my part, I +do not see why it should be necessary to +sneer at a man because he desires and can +enjoy a wholesome, well-cooked meal. It +is a sign of a healthy body and a sound +mind, and the true housewife is never +happier than when she caters successfully +for the members of her household, and +beholds the hearty appreciation of her +labours.</p> + +<p>It is the custom in certain quarters in +these days to decry this special department +of woman's work, and to belittle its importance, +but I am old-fashioned enough to hold +that one of the most essential points of +fitness for the married life in woman is her +ability to keep house economically, wisely, +and successfully. Nothing will ever convince +me that such fitness is not one of +her solemn and binding duties; in fact, it +is one of the reasons of her existence as a +wife.</p> + +<p>Sometimes her worries and perplexities, +at first, resting entirely on her shoulders, +may give to her tongue an unusually sharp +edge, and she may find it a too serious +effort to smile just when her spouse may +think it right and fitting that she should.</p> + +<p>Out of what trifles do great issues +arise! Let not the sun go down upon your +wrath. My advice to the young wife when +things do <i>not</i> go well with her, when she +grows hot and tired over a weary dinner, +which does not turn out the success she +wishes, or when she has been tried beyond +all patience with her "help",—my advice is, +Don't nag. Be cheerful. Swallow the pill +in the kitchen at any cost, but, above all, +don't nag! A man will stand almost anything +but nagging. Don't save up a long +string of miseries, small and big, to pour +on to him the moment he puts his head in +at the door.</p> + +<p>Yes, I know all about it—that the day +has been long and dreary, that nothing has +gone right, and you have had nobody to +share it; but I want you to let the man have +his dinner or his tea in peace before you +relate the tale of your woes. It will make +all the difference in the world to his reception +of it. Try to remember that he has +had a long day too, that, maybe, he has +been nagged and worried in the office, or +the market, or behind the counter; and that +he left it with relief, hoping for a little fireside +comfort at home. Let him enjoy first, +at least, the meal you have prepared or +superintended, then, when you both have +eaten, you will be in a better mood for the +discussion of the little worries which looked +so big and black all day. If they have not +disappeared altogether by this time they +have at least sensibly decreased in size and +number.</p> + +<p>Another thing I should like to impress +on the young wife, and that is the absolute +necessity of being as fastidious and dainty +with her personal appearance after marriage +as before. It is a poor compliment to a +man to show that you care so little for his +opinion as a husband that you can't or +won't take the trouble to dress up for him. +Dear girls, contemplating the final leap, +I want you to understand that you can +afford a great deal less to be careless after +marriage than before; because you have +now to keep the husband you have won. +Men like what is bright and cheerful, and +pleasant to behold. So far as you are concerned +see that you are never an eyesore. +Even if you have your own work to do, +there is no necessity why you should be a +dowdy or a slattern. Even a cotton dress +clean and daintily made can be as becoming +to you as a robe of silk and lace.</p> + +<p>It is a great deal more important for you +to keep your husband's love and respect +than it was to win them as a lover; because +now your stake is greater—in fact, it is +your all.</p> + +<p>To the husband I would say, "Be kind, +be true, be appreciative always. If you +have to find fault do it gently. There are +two ways of doing and saying everything. +Take time to choose the better, the kinder, +the more helpful and encouraging."</p> + +<p>Most women are quick to respond to the +slightest touch of kindness, the sunshine +their more dependent natures require. See +that you, having taken this young creature +from the shelter of a loving parental home, +do not starve her in an atmosphere of cold +criticism and fault-finding. Remember that +she is young, inexperienced, ignorant of +many things, and that wisdom walks with +years. Little things these, you say? Yes, +friend, but great and far-reaching in their +issues even to the wreck or salvation of +a human soul.</p> + +<p>To both in the early days, "Live near to +God,"—His blessing alone can consecrate +the home. So will your last days be better +than your first, and love be as sweet and +soul-satisfying on the brink of the grave, +at the close of the long pilgrimage you +have made together, as in the halcyon days, +"when all the world was young."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i057.jpg" width="700" height="191" alt="Illustration 5" title="Illustration 5" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-V" id="Chapter-V">V. THE IDEAL HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 96px;"> +<img src="images/i057a.jpg" width="96" height="100" alt="Chapter 5 decorative initial A" title="Chapter 5 decorative initial A" /> +</div><p> house is not a home, although +it has sometimes to pass as such. +There are imposing mansions, replete with +magnificence and luxury, which if realised +would provide the outward trappings of +many modest domiciles, but which offer +shelter and nothing more to their possessors.</p> + +<p>Home is made by those who dwell within +its walls, by the atmosphere they create; +and if that spirit which makes humble +things beautiful and gracious be absent, +then there can be no home in the full and +true sense of the word.</p> + +<p>While each member of the household +contributes more or less to the upbuilding +of the fabric, it is, of course, those at the +head whose influence makes or mars. A +lesser influence may be felt in a degree +great enough to modify disagreeable elements, +or intensify happy ones, but it cannot, +save in very exceptional circumstances, +set aside the influence of those at the +head.</p> + +<p>It is to them, then, that our few words +under this heading must be addressed; and, +to reduce it to a still narrower basis, it is the +woman's duty and privilege, and solemn +responsibility, which make this art of home-making +more interesting and important to +her than any other art in the world. Her +right to study it, and to make it a glorious +and perfect thing, will never be for a +moment questioned, even in this age of +fierce rivalry and keen competition for the +good things of life. In her own kingdom +she may make new laws and inaugurate +improvements without let or hindrance, and +as a rule she will meet with more gratitude +and appreciation than usually fall to the +lot of law-givers and law-makers. She will +also find in her own domain scope for her +highest energies, and for the exercise of +such originality as she may be endowed +with. I do not know of any sphere with a +wider scope, but of course it requires the +open eye and the understanding heart to +discern this fact.</p> + +<p>It seems superfluous, after the chapters +preceding this, to say again that the very +first principle to be learned in this art of +home-making must be love. Without it +the other virtues act but feebly. There may +be patience, skill, tact, forbearance, but +without true love the home cannot reach +its perfect state. It may well be a comfortable +abode, a place where creature comforts +abound, and where there is much quiet +peace of mind; but those who dwell in +such an atmosphere the hidden sweetness +of home will never touch. There will be +heart-hunger and vague discontents, which +puzzle and irritate, and which only the +sunshine of love can dispel.</p> + +<p>Home-making, like the other arts, is with +some an inborn gift,—the secret of making +others happy, of conferring blessings, of +scattering the sunny <i>largesse</i> of love everywhere, +is as natural to some as to breathe. +Such sweet souls are to be envied, as are +those whose happy lot it is to dwell with +them. But, at the same time, perhaps they +are not so deserving of our admiration and +respect as some who, in order to confer +happiness on others, themselves undergo +what is to them mental and moral privation, +who day by day have to keep a curb on themselves +in order to crucify the "natural man."</p> + +<p>It is possible, even for some whom Nature +has not endowed with her loveliest gifts, to +cultivate that spirit in which is hidden the +whole secret of home happiness. It is the +spirit of unselfishness. No selfish man or +woman has the power to make a happy +home.</p> + +<p>By selfish, I mean giving prominence +always to the demands and interests of +self, to the detriment or exclusion of the +interests and even the rights of others. It +is possible, however, for a selfish person to +possess a certain superficial gift of sunshine, +which creates for the time being a +pleasant atmosphere, which can deceive +those who come casually into contact with +him; but those who see him in all his +moods are not deceived. They know by +experience that a peaceful and endurable +environment can only be secured and maintained +by a constant pandering to his whims +and ways. He must be studied, not at an +odd time, but continuously and systematically, +or woe betide the happiness of home!</p> + +<p>When this element is conspicuous in the +woman who rules the household, then that +household deserves our pity. A selfish +woman is more selfish, if I may so put it, +than a selfish man. Her tyranny is more +petty and more relentless. She exercises +it in those countless trifling things which, +insignificant in themselves, yet possess the +power to make life almost insufferable. +Sometimes she is fretful and complaining, +on the outlook for slights and injuries, so +suspicious of those surrounding her that +they feel themselves perpetually on the +brink of a volcano. Or she is meek and +martyred, bearing the buffets of a rude +world and unkind relatives with pious resignation; +or self-righteous and complacent, +convinced that she and she alone knows +and does the proper thing, and requiring +absolutely that all within her jurisdiction +should see eye to eye with her.</p> + +<p>It is no slight, insignificant domain, this +kingdom of home, in which the woman +reigns. In one family there are sure to be +diversities of dispositions and contrasts of +character most perplexing and difficult to +deal with. She needs so much wisdom, +patience, and tact that sometimes her heart +fails her at the varied requirements she is +expected to meet, and to meet both capably +and cheerfully. If she has been herself +trained in a well-ordered home, so much +the better for her. She has her model to +copy, and her opportunities before her to +improve upon it.</p> + +<p>Every home is bound to bear the impress +of the individuality which guides it. +If it be a weak and colourless individuality, +then so much the worse for the home, +which must be its reflex.</p> + +<p>This fact has, I think, something solemn +in it for women, and it is somewhat saddening +that so many look upon the responsibilities +that home-making entails without +the smallest consideration. Verily fools +rush in where angels fear to tread! If +they think of the responsibility at all, they +comfort themselves with the delusion that +it is every woman's natural gift to keep +house; but housekeeping and home-making +are two different things, though each is +dependent on the other.</p> + +<p>This thoughtlessness, which results in +much needless domestic misery, is the less +excusable because we hear and read so +much about the inestimable value of home +influences, the powerful and permanent +nature of early impressions, even if we are +not ourselves living examples of the same. +Let us each examine our own heart and +mind, and just ask ourselves how much we +owe to the influences surrounding early life, +and how much more vivid are the lessons +and impressions of childhood compared with +those of a later date. The contemplation is +bound to astonish us, and if it does not +awaken in us a higher sense of responsibility +regarding those who are under the direct +sway of our influence, then there is something +amiss with our ideal of life and its +purpose.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i065.jpg" width="700" height="212" alt="Illustration 6" title="Illustration 6" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-VI" id="Chapter-VI">VI. KEEPING THE HOUSE.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 96px;"> +<img src="images/i065a.jpg" width="96" height="100" alt="Chapter 6 decorative initial M" title="Chapter 6 decorative initial M" /> +</div><p>aking the home and keeping the +house are two different things, +though closely allied. Having considered +the graces of mind and heart which so +largely contribute to the successful art of +home-making, it is not less necessary that +we now devote our attention to the more +practical, and certainly not less important, +quality of housekeeping.</p> + +<p>Ignorance of the prosaic details of housekeeping +is the primary cause of much of +the domestic worry and discomfort that +exist, to say nothing of the more serious +discords that may arise from such a defect +in the fitness of the woman supposed to be +the home-maker.</p> + +<p>For such ignorance, or lack of fitness, to +use a milder term, there does not appear to +me to be any excuse; it is so needless, so +often wilful.</p> + +<p>Some blame careless, indifferent mothers, +who do not seem to have profited by their +own experience, but allow their daughters +to grow up in idleness, and launch them +on the sea of matrimony with a very faint +idea of what is required of them in their +new sphere.</p> + +<p>It is very reprehensible conduct on the +part of such mothers, and if in a short time +the bright sky of their daughters' happiness +begins to cloud a little, they need not +wonder or feel aggrieved. A man is quite +justified in expecting and exacting a +moderate degree of comfort at least in his +own house, and if it is not forthcoming may +be forgiven a complaint. He is to be +pitied, but his unhappy wife much more +deserves our pity, since she finds herself +amid a sea of troubles, at the mercy of +her servants, if she possesses them; and +if moderate circumstances necessitate the +performance of the bulk of household duties, +then her predicament is melancholy indeed.</p> + +<p>To revert again to our Angelina and +Edwin of the comic papers, we have the +threadbare jokes at the expense of the +new husband subjected to the ordeal of +Angelina's awful cooking. At first he is +forbearing and encouraging; but in the +end, when no improvement is visible, the +honeymoon begins to wane much more +rapidly than either anticipated. Edwin +becomes sulky, discontented, and complaining; +Angelina tearful or indignant, as +her temperament dictates, but equally and +miserably helpless.</p> + +<p>The chances are that time will not +improve but rather aggravate her troubles, +especially if the cares of motherhood be +added to those of wifehood, which she finds +quite enough for her capacities.</p> + +<p>True, some women have a clever knack +of adapting themselves readily to every +circumstance, and pick up knowledge with +amazing rapidity. If they are by nature +housewifely women, they will triumph over +the faults of their early training, and after +sundry mistakes and a good deal of unnecessary +expenditure may develop into +fairly competent housewives.</p> + +<p>But it is a dangerous and trying experiment, +which ought not to be made, because +there is absolutely no need for it. It is the +duty of every mother who has daughters +entrusted to her care to begin early to train +them in domestic work. That there are +servants in the house need be no obstacle +in the way. There are silly domestics who +resent what they call the "meddling" of +young ladies in the kitchen; but no wise +woman will allow that to trouble her, but +will take care to show her young daughters, +as time and opportunity offer, every secret +contained in the domestic <i>répertoire</i>.</p> + +<p>One of the primary lessons to be learned +in this housekeeping art is that of method; +viz.—a place for everything, and a time. +It is the key to all domestic comfort. Most +of us are familiar with at least one household +where the genius of method is conspicuous +by its absence; where regularity +and punctuality are unobserved, if not unknown. +The household governed by a +woman without method is to be pitied. +Her husband is a stranger to the comfort +of a well-ordered home; and her children, if +she has any, hang as they grow, as the Scotch +say; while her servants, having nobody to +guide them, become careless and indifferent, +and so suffer injustice at her hands.</p> + +<p>It is such women who are loudest in +complaints against servants, and who are +in a state of perpetual warfare against the +class. Of course this method must be kept +within bounds, and not carried to excess, +thereby becoming an evil instead of an +unmixed good.</p> + +<p>We are familiar with that other type of +women, who make their housekeeping an +idol, at whose shrine they perpetually +worship, regardless of the comfort of those +under their roof-tree. With them it is a +perpetual cleaning day, and woe betide the +luckless offender who has the misfortune +to mar, if ever so slightly, the immaculate +cleanliness of that abode! He is likely to +have his fault brought home to him in no +measured terms.</p> + +<p>The woman possessed of the cleaning +mania, who goes to bed to dream of carpet-beating +and furniture polish, and who rises +to carry her dreams into execution, is quite +as objectionable in her way as the woman +who never cleans, and for whom the word +dirt has no horrors. Although it is doubtless +pleasant to feel assured that no microbe-producing +speck can possibly lurk in any +corner of the house, and to be certain that +food and everything pertaining to it is +perfect so far as cleanliness is concerned, +there is a sense of insecurity and unrest +in the abode of the over-particular woman +which often develops into positive misery +and discomfort. It is the sort of discomfort +specially distasteful to the male portion of +mankind. Although they may be compelled +to admit, when brought to bay, that +"cleaning" is a necessary evil, it requires +a superhuman amount of persuasion to +make them see any good in it. The way +women revel, or appear to revel, in the +chaos of a house turned topsy-turvy is to +them the darkest of all mysteries. It is +long since they were compelled to treat it +as a conundrum, and give it up.</p> + +<p>I think, however, that, with few exceptions, +women dislike the periodical household +earthquake quite as much as men, and dread +its approach. The housekeeper who considers +the comfort of those about her will +do her utmost to rob it of its horrors. This +can be done by a judicious planning, and by +resort to the method of which we spoke in +the last chapter.</p> + +<p>Let "One room at a time" be her motto, +and then the inmates of the house will not +be made to feel that they are quite in the +way, and have no abiding-place on the face +of the earth.</p> + +<p>This may involve a little more work, and +a great deal of patience; but she will have +her reward in the grateful appreciation of +those for whom she makes home such a +happy and restful place.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i073.jpg" width="700" height="199" alt="Illustration 7" title="Illustration 7" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-VII" id="Chapter-VII">VII. THE TRUEST ECONOMY.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 95px;"> +<img src="images/i073a.jpg" width="95" height="100" alt="Chapter 7 decorative initial I" title="Chapter 7 decorative initial I" /> +</div><p>n these days many new phrases have +been coined to give expression and +significance to old truths; thus we hear of +the "sin of cheapness," the fault attributed +to those shortsighted bargain-hunters who +waste time and energy and money hunting +the length and breadth of the land +for the cheapest market. The true and +competent housekeeper knows that there is +no economy in this method of marketing, +but the reverse.</p> + +<p>Of course, where the family is large and +the resources limited, it is absolutely incumbent +on the purveyor to seek the most +moderate market; and those of us who dwell +in cities know that prices vary with localities, +and that West-enders must pay a West-end +price. But it is reprehensible always +to hunt for cheap things simply because they +are cheap, because we ought not to forget +that this very cheapness has caused suffering, +or at least deprivation, somewhere, since +it would appear that some things are absolutely +offered at prices under the cost of +production.</p> + +<p>In the matter of food, so important a factor +in the health and well-being of the family, +it can seldom be a saving to buy in the +cheap market, because cheapness there is +too often a synonymous term with unwholesomeness; +and a small quantity of the very +best will undoubtedly afford more sustenance +than an unlimited supply of inferior quality. +In small and working-class homes the tea +and tinned-food grievance is an old one, but +one which does not appear to be in the way +of mending.</p> + +<p>If the wives and mothers of the working-class +could only have it demonstrated to +them, beyond all question, that a small piece +of excellent fresh beef, made into a wholesome +soup flavoured with vegetables, would +give three times the nourishment of this +tinned stuff, which, good enough as an +occasional stand-by, has become the curse +and the tyrant of the lazy and thriftless +housewife, what a step in the right direction +that would be! The mere salting and preserving +process destroys the most valuable +nutritive elements of the meat; and though +it may be tasty and palatable, it is practically +useless as a strength-producer or +strength-imparter.</p> + +<p>Milk, too, we fear has not its proper place +in very many homes where children abound; +though no mother of even ordinary intelligence +can shut her eyes to the fact that it +is Nature's own food for her children in +their early years, when it is so important +to build up the elements of a strong constitution. +I would here put in a plea for +oatmeal, in former days the backbone of +my country's food, and which has of late +years fallen sadly into disuse, especially in +quarters where its very cheapness and +absolute wholesomeness recommend it as <i>the</i> +food <i>par excellence</i> for old and young. We +have replaced it with tea and toast, to the +great detriment of limb and muscle and +digestive power. It is in the palace now +we find oatmeal accorded its rightful place, +not in the cottage; and the change is to be +deplored.</p> + +<p>Regularity in meals is another thing the +wise housekeeper will insist upon in her +abode. Regularity and punctuality, how +delightful they are, and how they ease the +roll of the domestic wheels! A punctual +and tidy woman makes a punctual and tidy +home. We know the type who dawdles +away the forenoon in idle talk or listless +indolence, and rushes to prepare a hasty +and only half-cooked meal when perhaps +her husband or children are on their way +home from school or workshop; and this is +a very fruitful cause of domestic dispeace, +and at the root even of much of the intemperance +which has ruined so many homes. +If a man has no comfort at his own fireside, +then he is compelled in self-defence to seek +it elsewhere.</p> + +<p>To recur to the question of buying in +cheap markets, the principle that what is +good and costs something to begin with +will inevitably prove the cheapest in the +end is even more clearly demonstrated in +the matter of clothing than of food. The +best will always wear and look the best, +even when it has grown threadbare. Then +when we hear so constantly of the appalling +misery endured by men and women who +make the garments sold in the cheap shops, +we are bound to feel that these things are +offered at a price which is the cost of +flesh and blood. This is a very pressing +question, and one which many Christian +people do not lay to heart. There appears +to be in every human breast the instinct +of the bargain-hunter, and there is a placid +satisfaction in having got something at an +exceptionally low price which charms the +finer sensibilities.</p> + +<p>To gratify this peculiar and morbid +craving, witness the system of buying and +selling which prevails in Italy; the shopkeepers +there, with few exceptions, invariably +asking double the money they are +willing to accept. And to this craving in +our own country is due the system of all +cheap sales in the shops, and mock auctions +in the sale-rooms, in which many a shortsighted +person of both sexes fritter away +both time and money. It is a rotten system, +and shows that there is great need for +reform in this matter of buying and selling, +which occupies so much of our time, means, +and thought.</p> + +<p>All good housekeepers know that those +who buy in the ready-money market fare +best; and besides, the paying out of ready-money +is undoubtedly a check on expenditure, +and is to be specially recommended to +people of small means. It is easy and +tempting to give an order, and though it +can no doubt be paid for sooner or later, +somehow the sum always seems to assume +larger proportions as time goes on. We +very seldom get in a bill for a less amount +than we expect. My own view of the case +is, that I grudge to pay for food after it is +eaten, or clothes after they are worn; and +in my own housekeeping I have found +ready-money, or, at the outside, weekly +accounts, the best arrangement, to which +I adhere without any exceptions. Short +accounts, also, give one another advantage, +the choice of all markets. Thus the money +is laid out to the best possible advantage, +and the highest value obtained.</p> + +<p>All thrifty and far-seeing housekeepers +know that it is cheaper to buy certain +household stores, as sugar, butter, flour, +soap, etc., in quantities, provided there is a +suitable storeroom where the things will be +kept in good condition. There are indeed +innumerable methods whereby the good +housewife can save her coppers and her +shillings, and a wise woman is she who +takes advantage of them to the utmost.</p> + +<p>This art of housekeeping is not learned +in a day; those of us who have been engaged +in it for years are constantly +finding out how little we know, and how far +we are, after all, from perfection.</p> + +<p>It requires a clever woman to keep +house; and as I said before there is ample +scope, even within the four walls of a house +(a sphere which some affect to despise), for +the exercise of originality, organising power, +administrative ability. And to the majority +of women I would fain believe it is the most +interesting and satisfactory of all feminine +occupations.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i081.jpg" width="700" height="225" alt="Illustration 8" title="Illustration 8" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-VIII" id="Chapter-VIII">VIII. ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 97px;"> +<img src="images/i081a.jpg" width="97" height="100" alt="Chapter 8 decorative initial I" title="Chapter 8 decorative initial I" /> +</div><p>n these very words lurks a danger +likely to beset our young couple, on +the very threshold of their career.</p> + +<p>All eyes are upon them, of course; their +house and all it contains, their way of life, +the position they take up and maintain, are, +for the time being, topics of intense concern +to all who know them, and to many who +do not. There is no doubt that we need +to go back in some degree to the simpler +way of life in vogue in the days of our +grandmothers; that pretentiousness and +extravagance have reached a point which +is almost unendurable. We are constantly +being informed by statistics which cannot +be questioned that the marriage rate is +decreasing; and we know that in our own +circles the number of marriageable girls +and marriageable youths who for some inexplicable +reason <i>don't</i> marry is very great.</p> + +<p>What <i>is</i> the reason? Is the age of +romance over? is it impossible any longer +to conjure with the words love and marriage +in the garden of youth? or is it that our +young people are less brave and enduring, +that they shrink from the added responsibility, +care, and self-denial involved in the +double life? My own view is that this +pretentiousness and desire for display is at +the bottom of it; that young people want +to begin where their fathers and mothers +left off, and that courage is lacking to take +a step down and begin together on the +lowest rung of the ladder.</p> + +<p>I have heard many young men say that +they are afraid to ask girls to leave the +luxury and comfort of their father's house, +and to enter a plainer home, where they +will have less luxury and more care; and +though I grant that there are many girls +who would shrink from the ordeal, and +who prefer the indolent ease of single +blessedness to the cares of matrimony on +limited means, yet have I been tempted +sometimes, looking at these young men, to +wonder in my soul whether it was not <i>they</i> +who shrank from the plain home and the +increased responsibility marriage involves. +The salary sufficient for the comfort and +mild luxury of one is scarcely elastic enough +for two.</p> + +<p>It would mean giving up a good many +things; it would mean fewer cigars, fewer +new suits, fewer first nights at the theatre,—in +fact, a general modification of luxuries +which he has begun to regard as indispensable; +and he asks himself, Is the game worth +the candle? His answer is, No. And so he +drifts out of young manhood into bachelor +middle age, passing unscathed through many +flirtations, becoming encrusted with selfish +ideas and selfish aims, and gradually less fit +for domestic life. And all the time, while +he imagines he has a fine time of it, he has +missed the chief joy, the highest meaning +of life.</p> + +<p>The conditions of modern life are certainly +harder than they were. Competition +in every profession and calling is so enormous +that remuneration has necessarily fallen; +and it is a problem to many how single life +is to be respectably maintained, let alone +double. Then the invasions of women into +almost every domain of man's work is somewhat +serious in its consequences to men. +A woman can be got to do a certain thing +as quickly, correctly, and efficiently as a +man; therefore the man goes to the wall. +While we are glad to see the position of +woman improve, and the value of her labour +in the markets of the world increase, we +are perplexed as to the effect of this better +condition of things on the position of men. +The situation is full of perplexities, strained +to the utmost.</p> + +<p>There is no doubt whatever that this +improvement in the position of woman, +the increased opportunities afforded her of +making a respectable livelihood, has had, and +is having, its serious effect in the marriage +market. A single woman in a good situation, +the duties of which she has strength of +body and strength of mind to perform, is a +very independent being, and in contrast with +many of her married sisters a person to be +envied. She has her hours, for one thing; +there is no prospect of an eight hours' day +for the married woman with a family to +superintend. Then she, having earned her +own money, can spend it as she likes—and +has to give account of it only to herself; +and she is free from the physical trials and +disabilities consequent upon marriage and +maternity. If you tell her that the sweet +fulness of married life, its multiplied joys, +amply compensate for the troubles, she will +shake her head and want proof.</p> + +<p>Altogether, the outlook matrimonial is not +very bright. Now, while we deplore, as a +serious evil, hasty, improvident, ill-considered +marriages, and hold that their consequences +are very sad, we would also, +scarcely less seriously, deplore that over-cautiousness +which is reducing the marriage +rate in quarters where it ought not to be +reduced,—our lower middle-class, which +is the backbone of society. There is no +fear of a serious reduction in other quarters: +where there is no responsibility felt, there +is none to shirk; and so, among the very +poor, children are multiplied, and obligations +increased, without any thought for +the morrow, or concern for future provision. +There is a very supreme kind of selfishness +in this over-cautiousness which is not +delightful to contemplate, the fear lest self +should be inconvenienced or deprived in +the very slightest degree; and all this does +not tend to the highest development of +human nature, but rather the reverse, since +the spirit of self-denial and self-sacrifice is +one of the loveliest attributes of human +character.</p> + +<p>That it is possible for two people to live +together almost as cheaply as one, and, if +the wife be careful, thrifty, and managing, +with a great deal more comfort, is hardly +disputed; and surely love is yet strong +enough to take its chance of falling on evil +days, and when they come of making the +best of them. Our girls must exhibit less +frivolity, less devotion to dress and idle +amusements, if they wish for homes of their +own; because at present it is partly true +that men are afraid to take the risk and +responsibility of them as partners in +life.</p> + +<p>And this brings us back to the heading +of our chapter, the subject of keeping up +appearances. This fearful rivalry to make +the greatest show on inadequate means, to +outshine our neighbours in house and dress +and everything else, is really a tremendous +evil, the scourge of many middle-class +families. And what, after all, is its aim +or outcome; what its rewards?</p> + +<p>To begin with, it is a pandering, pure +and simple, to the baser part of human +nature—the desire to out-rival your neighbour, +to be able to soar over him at any +price; and more, it is both hypocritical +and immoral. Hypocritical, because it is +pure pretence to a station which has no +means to support it; and immoral, because +you cannot afford to pay for it, and thereby +suffering is entailed somewhere and somehow. +How many of us number among +our acquaintances (if not absolutely +guilty ourselves), persons who, possessed +of a small and limited income, live in a +large house, the rent of which is a kind +of sword of Damocles hanging over them +for ever?</p> + +<p>You know them by their hunted, eager, +restless look, which tells of inward dispeace, +of worry too great almost to be borne. +Their servants do not stay long, perhaps +because the larder of the big house is kept +very bare, and comfort is sacrificed to +outside show. They never have anything +to give away, and their excuse is that they +do not believe in indiscriminate charity. +And they look back with a painful longing, +never expressed, however, to the days when +they lived at peace in a little house, and +had enough and to spare for man and +beast, and a penny for the beggar at the +gate. The big house is but one thing; the +struggle to keep up appearances is observed +in many other ways—in expensive and not +always efficient education of the children, +in party-giving, extravagant dress, frequent +going out of town, and many others too +numerous to mention. And what, after +all, is the advantage of it? Is there any +advantage gained? You may succeed in +exciting in the breast of your neighbour +a bitter envy which will probably find expression +in some such remark as this—"I +only hope it is all paid for."</p> + +<p>And you never will have any peace of +mind, without which the outward trappings +are but a mockery.</p> + +<p>Oh, let us be simpler! Let us at least +not pretend to be what we are not. In a +word, let us not try to humbug ourselves +and the world at large.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i091.jpg" width="700" height="199" alt="Illustration 9" title="Illustration 9" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-IX" id="Chapter-IX">IX. MOTHERHOOD.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 94px;"> +<img src="images/i091a.jpg" width="94" height="100" alt="Chapter 9 decorative initial I" title="Chapter 9 decorative initial I" /> +</div><p>t is a great theme, which I approach +with fear and trembling; yet—is +the home complete without the child? Can +even an unpretentious book of this sort be +written without some attempted treatment +of the same?</p> + +<p>The first year of married life is often +very full, as well as specially trying, a +record of new and very crucial experiences +such as are bound to prove the grit of our +young housekeeper. She has many things +to learn in her new sphere, both in the +department of ethics as well as of housekeeping. +She has a husband to study, for +even though they have seen a great deal +of each other before marriage, there yet +remains much to learn of many little +peculiarities before undreamed of, which in +the full glare and test of daily life sometimes +stand out with a certain unpleasant +prominence, which both find trying. There +are new tastes to discover and consider, +new likes and dislikes to be studied—in a +word, the situation is a severe ordeal, +especially if our young wife be very young +and inexperienced. Of course she has an +adoring and approving love to aid her, and +all her efforts to please will be appreciated +at their full value, and perhaps a little over, +and that is much.</p> + +<p>If in addition to all the trying amenities +of her new position there be added early +in her married life the prospect of motherhood, +with its attendant cares, anxieties, +and fears, then our young housekeeper +may be granted to have hand and heart +full. That it is a prospect full of joy +and satisfaction, the realisation of a sweet +and secret hope, nobody will deny. There +are a few women, we are told, who do not +desire motherhood, preferring the greater +freedom and ease of childless wifehood; but +it is not of such we seek to write, because +the vast majority agree with me that +motherhood is the crown of marriage, as +well as the sweetest of all bonds between +husband and wife.</p> + +<p>It is the great, almost awful, responsibility +of this bond which makes thinking +people deplore the prevalence of early and +improvident marriage between persons who +seem to lack entirely this sense of responsibility, +and who undertake the most solemn +duties in the same flippant mood as they go +out on a day's enjoyment. The idea that +they have in their power the making and +marring of a human soul, to say nothing of +the influences which in fulness of time must +go forth from that same soul, does not +trouble them, or indeed exist for them at +all. They have no ideas—they never +think. If the child comes, good and well—it +has to be provided for; welcome or +unwelcome it arrives; and is tolerated or +rejoiced over as the case may be.</p> + +<p>We need a great deal of educating on +this particular point, and the fact that a +child may have rights before it is born is +one which presses home to the heart of +every man and woman who may give the +matter any serious attention whatsoever.</p> + +<p>If we marry, then as surely do we undertake +the possible obligations of parentage; +and if we do not see that we are fit physically, +mentally, and morally for this undoubtedly +greatest of all human obligations, +then are we blameworthy, and answerable +to God and man for our shortcomings.</p> + +<p>Heroism is a word to stir the highest +enthusiasm in every heart, and we Britons +are not supposed to lack in that glorious +quality. While not despising nor making +light of that heroism which shows an +unflinching front on the battlefield, or in the +face of any danger, and while recognising +also and glorying in that other heroism of +which the world hears less, but which is +nevertheless very rich and far-reaching in +results—I mean that brave heart which +does not sink under adverse circumstances, +which makes the best of everything, which +can do, dare, and suffer for others, without +notice or applause—there is yet another +phase of heroism of which the world knows +not at all, but which in my estimation is as +great, if not greater, than any of these. It +is a delicate theme, and yet in such a book +as this are we not justified in touching upon +it, reverently and tenderly as it deserves? +There are some—more, I believe, than we +dream of—who, being afflicted physically or +mentally, and who, fearing some hereditary +moral taint for which they have to suffer, +though entirely blameless, deliberately +abstain from marriage for the highest of all +reasons—that they fear to perpetuate in +their own children the weaknesses which are +already so stupendous a curse to mankind. +Oh that such examples could be multiplied, +and that we were once thoroughly awakened +to the solemn significance of the fact that +the sins of the fathers are visited on +the children!</p> + +<p>But when we look around we see the +innocent made to suffer daily for the guilty; +we see children whose lives even in infancy +are but a burden to them, and whose later +life can only be a cross, and we pray for a +great baptism of light on this painful subject, +for a great awakening to that personal, individual +responsibility which is the only +solution of a difficulty which concerns the +future and the highest interest of the race.</p> + +<p>To return to the question of rights as +affecting the unborn babe: the mother has +then so much in her power that she can not +only determine to a great extent what kind +of infancy the child shall have, but also +whether her own duties therein shall be +heavy or light. By attending strictly to her +own health, adhering to natural laws, living +simply and wholesomely, she can almost ensure +the bodily health of the child; and by +keeping her mind calm and even, avoiding +worry, and cultivating cheerfulness and contentment, +she thus moulds the disposition of +the child to a far greater extent than she +dreams of. The woman who lives in a condition +of perpetual nervous excitement and +worry before the birth of her child, who is +fretful, complaining, impatient of the discomfort +of her condition, need not be much +surprised if her baby be fretful and difficult +to rear. Of course this is all very easy to +write down, and most difficult—in many +cases of physical and nervous prostration +impossible—to bear in mind; nevertheless, +it is worth the trial, worth the self-denial +involved, even looking at it from the most +selfish standpoint, one's own ultimate comfort +and ease. The gain to the child is too +great to be estimated.</p> + +<p>And surely taking into consideration the +enormous number of miserable, weakly +babies who have never had a chance, the +day of whose birth, like Job's, is sadder than +the day of their death, it is not too much to +ask from thoughtful Christian women, who +at heart feel their responsibility and their +high privilege, that nothing shall be lacking +on their part to make the child given to +them by God a moral, mental, and physical +success. We are careful in all other departments +of life to try and obtain the best—why +not here? Is human life less precious, +human souls of less account, than merchandise?</p> + +<p>I do not see why mothers should not seek +to impress upon their daughters, and fathers +upon their sons, as they approach maturity, +the solemnity and sacredness of such +themes, which involve all that is most important +in human life. I consider that the +ignorance with which so many young girls +are allowed to enter matrimony is nothing +short of criminal; and I do not myself see +that a plain, straight, loving talk from her +mother beforehand, which will prepare her +for her new obligations and make them less +a surprise and a trial when they come, can +possibly take the edge off that exquisite +and delicate purity which we would wish to +be our daughters' outstanding characteristic, +and which every right-thinking man desires +in his wife. There are many who do not +share this opinion, and hold that the wall of +reserve should never be broken. But the +issues are great, and I cannot but think +that in this case ignorance is more likely +to be fruitful of anxiety and foreboding, +to say nothing of mistakes, than is a little +knowledge wisely imparted by those whom +experience has taught.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i100.jpg" width="700" height="197" alt="Illustration 10" title="Illustration 10" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-X" id="Chapter-X">X. THE SON IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 93px;"> +<img src="images/i100a.jpg" width="93" height="100" alt="Chapter 10 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 10 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>he son is peculiarly the mother's +child, and the bond between them, +seen at its best, is one of the loveliest, and, +to the woman who has suffered for her firstborn, +one of the most soul-satisfying on +earth. I suppose most women given choice +would wish their firstborn to be a son; and +her pride in the boy as he grows in grace +and strength and manliness is a very exquisite +thing in the mother.</p> + +<p>As a rule, a boy is more difficult to rear. +He has more strength of limb and will, +and shows earlier, perhaps, the desire to be +master of the whole situation, as very often +he is. It is amazing at how early an age +a child can begin to discern between the +firm will and the weak will of those who +guide him, and to profit thereby; and she +is a wise woman who begins as she means +to end, and who teaches her child that her +decision is absolute from the earliest stage. +The moment he begins to understand that +though you say no a yell will probably convert +it into a yes, your occupation is gone, +so to speak—you have lost your hold, and +Baby is master of the situation and of you.</p> + +<p>There is no doubt, I think, that the woman +who has a nurse to relieve her of the child +has a better chance than the one who has +to fight the battle single-handed—for this +reason, that extreme weariness of body, +which nothing brings about more quickly +than the perpetual care of a baby, is apt to +weaken the will; the desire for peace at any +price becomes too great to be resisted, and +so the citadel is lost. It is impossible also +for the ordinary woman, who has the care +of a baby all day long, in addition to a +multitude of other duties, not to become +nervous, irritable, and excitable, and the +probability is that the child becomes a reflex +of herself. I know of no more self-denying +and harassing life than that of the +mother of many children, whose limited +means prohibit much assistance in her +labours. It would require the strength of a +Hercules and the patience of a Job. Yet +how many go on from day to day with an +uncomplaining and heroic cheerfulness which +does not strike the onlooker, simply because +it is so common, like the toothache, that it +attracts but little sympathy or attention.</p> + +<p>In one day such a mother may win moral +victories beside which the brilliant engagements +of the battlefield would pale. It is +not one that she has to consider and contend +with, but many; the diversity of disposition +in one family is truly amazing, and affords a +most interesting psychological study. If she +be a thoughtful and conscientious woman +she knows that she is sowing the seeds of +future good and ill, that early impressions +are never erased, and that her own influence +is the one which will leave the strongest, +the most indelible mark on the future of +the little ones she has under her wing. To +this there is no exception whatever; it is +a fact nobody attempts to dispute. Who +shall say, then—who shall dare to say—that +a woman's work is slight, her sphere +narrow, her influence feeble? Have we +not yet with us the proverb, "She who +rocks the cradle rules the world"? as true +to-day as it was a hundred years ago, as +it will be in a hundred years to come.</p> + +<p>But though the anxieties and responsibilities +of the nursery are great, they increase, +especially in the case of some, as +the years go by; though as the boy grows +older his mother may be somewhat relieved +by the wise guidance of the father. There +comes a time when the lad wants to emancipate +himself from his mother's jurisdiction, +and begins to look to his father, +seeing in him the image of what he may +yet become. He will not love his mother +any less, but he will be impatient a little, +perhaps, of her careful supervision; he wants +to be a man, to imitate his father, to show +that he is a being of another order. It is +always amusing to look on at this subtle +and inevitable change, but sometimes touching +as well. It is the strong soul seeking +his heritage, the first stirring of manhood +in the boy, who will never be other than +a bairn to his mother. Happy then the +mother, blessed the boy, who has a good, +wise, and tender father to take him by the +hand, and show him at this critical stage +the beauty of a noble, pure, and honest +manhood, and how great is its power to +bless the world.</p> + +<p>There are some men who never grow +old, who, while doing a man's part better +than most in the world, keep the child-heart +pure within them. Happy are the +children who call them father! The ideal +father (since we are writing of what we all +know to be the highest in home relationship, +we may call him so) will be a boy +in the midst of his boys all his days; he +will share the pastimes, the interests, the +absorbing occupations of his boys, in the +schoolroom and the recreation-ground, just +as he did not disdain to join sometimes in the +frolic of the nursery. He will understand +cricket and football, and hounds and hares, +and know all the little points of schoolboy +honour, so that he may at once grasp the +situation when his lad brings his grievance +or his tale of victory to him. And through +it all, without preaching, which the soul of +the average boy abhors, he will seek to inculcate +the highest moral lessons, thus accentuating +and deepening the teaching of the +nursery still fresh in the boy's mind.</p> + +<p>This is the ideal which we would wish +to see in every home, but the real is rather +different, and sometimes perplexing to deal +with. We have seen homes where the boys +do not "get on" with their father, who +seem to rub each other the wrong way, and +to have no sort of kinship with each other—in +a word, who are not chums, which is +a boy's definition of the jolliest possible relationship, +and which is very beautiful +existing between father and son. But there +are fathers who have no patience with the +boy who, feeling in him the promptings of +a larger life, begins to give himself little +airs, and to adopt a manly and masterful +manner; no sympathy with his desire for +freedom; and who, instead of wisely guiding +all these accompaniments of young manhood +into fresh and legitimate channels, seeks +to curb them, to restrain every impulse, +and to enforce an authority the boy does not +understand, and inwardly, if not outwardly, +kicks against.</p> + +<p>I know many mothers who have difficulty +in pouring oil on such troubled waters, and +who see that the father and the boy do not +understand each other, and cannot get on—and +she is powerless to help. Out of this +strained relationship many evils may arise. +The young heart, bounding with a thousand +buoyant impulses, eager to see life and +taste its every cup, deprived of sympathy +and outlet, and thrown back upon itself, +becomes reserved, self-contained, and morbid. +Then, again, there is a temptation to +concealment, and even to prevarication, over +mere trifles. When censure is feared—and +the young heart is fearfully sensitive—little +fibs are told to escape it, and so a great +moral wrong is inflicted, which can undoubtedly +be laid at the unsympathetic +parent's door.</p> + +<p>The mother, by reason of her gentler +nature (to which, of course, there are the +usual exceptions), is not so feared, and is +made the go-between.</p> + +<p>"Mother, will <i>you</i> ask father for so-and-so?" +is an everyday question in many +homes; and why should it be? Why should +sympathy and confidence be less full and +sweet between father and son than between +mother and son? Nay, rather, it might be +fuller, since the father, being of the same sex, +can the better understand the boy nature, +making allowance for its failings, which +were also his, if, indeed, they are not in an +aggravated form still characteristic of him. +Some men forget that they have ever been +young; looking at them and witnessing their +conduct in certain circumstances, one finds +it difficult to believe that they ever <i>were</i> +young. They have been fossils from their +birth. That is the grand mistake—to fix +such a great gulf betwixt youth and maturity +that nothing can bridge it. It is more love, +more sympathy we want; it is the dearth of +it that is the curse of the world. Yet how +dare we, being responsible for the advent +of the child into the world, deny him his +heritage, starve his heart of its right to our +affection and regard? The Lord sent him? +Well, He did undoubtedly, and His commands +with the gift. There is no hesitation +or ambiguity about the Lord's mandate +regarding little children.</p> + +<p>In homes where this lovely sympathy +exists, anxiety regarding the moral welfare +of the boy is reduced to a minimum. +Where the youth can come to his mother, +and still better to his father, in every +dilemma, sure of advice and aid, he will +not go very far wrong. The world is full of +pitfalls, and it is sure nothing short of the +grace of God can keep young manhood in +the right way; but very certain am I that +parents have much, ay, more than they +dream of in their power.</p> + +<p>Let them at least see to it that they do +not fall short. Let the boy feel that the +home is his, that his friends are welcome +to it, and that he need not go out always +to seek liberty and enjoyment. In one word, +let him have room to breathe and to live, +and the chances are that he will repay you +by becoming all you could desire even in +your fondest dreams.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i110.jpg" width="700" height="224" alt="Illustration 11" title="Illustration 11" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XI" id="Chapter-XI">XI. THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 98px;"> +<img src="images/i110a.jpg" width="98" height="100" alt="Chapter 11 decorative initial T" title="Chapter 11 decorative initial T" /> +</div><p>he home is incomplete without the +daughter, the sweet little baby who +from the first entwined herself about her +parents' hearts; and who, as she grows in +beauty, is a source of constant joy and pride, +not quite untouched by anxiety. For when +we have educated our sons and done for +them all we possibly can, they can, as a +rule, stand on their own sturdy legs, and +take their own place in the world, we +looking on with pride if they adorn it well—with +sadness if they fall short. We do +not love them less, but they sooner place +themselves beyond our jurisdiction, and +responsibility concerning them is sooner at +an end. With the daughters it is different. +As the old rhyme says—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"A son is a son till he gets him a wife,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">A daughter's a daughter to the end of her life,"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>words which just express the whole situation. +Even after she marries our anxiety and loving +concern for her in her new sphere quite +equals the old; her little children, reminding +us of what she was once to us, are dear to +us in a way our son's children can never +be. It seems a strange anomaly, yet will +most mothers bear me out in what I say.</p> + +<p>A home where there are many boys and +no girls is a jolly, healthy, happy household +enough, but it lacks something, a gentler +element, which the boys miss keenly, though +they may not even be conscious of it. It +is a great misfortune for boys to have no +sisters, because in the family circle, where +they grow up side by side, they acquire a +knowledge of girl-nature which is invaluable +to them when they begin to take an interest +in that interesting personage, "another +fellow's sister." And <i>vice versâ</i>—girls +brought up in a brotherless home have no +opportunity of studying boy-nature, and +are apt to take a very prim, narrow view +of the same. The ideal family is the one +judiciously mixed, where boys and girls +rub shoulders and carry on their little +campaigns, entering into each other's pursuits +and being chums all round. It is +good for both.</p> + +<p>As I said before, girls, even in infancy, are +more easily managed and reared than boys, +the usual exceptions being allowed; and the +same may be said of them as they grow +older. They are more docile, more amenable +to control, and their animal spirits, +dependent on bodily organisation, are not +usually so obstreperous. It is astonishing +how soon a little girl becomes a companionable +creature; she develops at a much +earlier age than her brothers. Of course +there are great differences. We have the +tomboy, never still, more interested in her +brothers' pranks than in the sober frolics +of girls—dolls have no charm for her; yet +the curious thing is that the tomboy has +been known to develop into the extraordinarily +successful wife and mother, her +very energies of mind and body, when +mellowed by experience, proving invaluable +to her in her new sphere.</p> + +<p>I have often thought that an interesting +article might be written on the place and +power of dolls in the early life of women; +it is such an interesting study to watch +the different grades of interest taken in them +by different children. To some they are +real flesh and blood, treated as such, +fondled over and considered quite as much +as any living baby, invested with aches and +pains, tempers and troubles, and subjected +to a regular system of reward and punishment; +while to others they are mere toys, +which serve only to beguile the tedium of a +rainy day. Then there are the few who +regard them as mere objects for scorn and +hatred; and when they do not ignore them, +maltreat them mercilessly.</p> + +<p>The small girl who hates dolls, and dubs +them as stupid things, is apt to be a little +troublesome to amuse, though it is also +quite possible that she may possess a very +original mind, which strikes out a new path +even in amusement for itself.</p> + +<p>Some little boys who afterwards became +good and noble men have not disdained +dolls as a baby amusement, and you +generally find that the small boy who takes +a kind interest in his sister's dolls, and who +does not spend his leisure in concocting +schemes for their torture and dismemberment, +has the fatherly instinct very strongly +developed, and will in his own home be +tenderly devoted to his children.</p> + +<p>Boys ought to be taught early the beauty +of little kindly attentions and thoughtfulness +for others. On no account ought their +sisters to be allowed to fetch and carry for +them. There may be a system of mutual +obligation if you like, but boys of a certain +age are apt to become very arbitrary, and +to consider their sisters in the light of body +servants. By allowing boys to order their +sisters about, to bring them things and give +in always, you foster a spirit of selfishness, +which grows tyrannical as the years go by, +and paves the way for some domestic discomfort +in a future home which will be +beyond your jurisdiction.</p> + +<p>They tell us the age of chivalry is dead; +and really manners do not seem to be as +they were. The changed order of things +concerning women, who are no longer +cooped up within the four walls of a house, +and told that that is their sphere spelled +with a very big S, but who are pushing +their way steadily to the front in every +walk of life, no doubt partly accounts for +this; still the lapse of that old-fashioned and +gracious courtesy of men to women is to be +deplored, and I cannot but think that we +who have raw material to work upon in the +nursery might do something to restore it. +We cannot afford to lose any of the graces +of life. Heaven knows things are reduced +to a prosaic enough level with us in these +days, when the fret and fever seem to leave +time for nothing but the barest realities.</p> + +<p>As we have already admitted that early +impressions and early training never quite +lose their hold, so if we teach our boys to +be gracious, courteous, considerate always to +their sisters because they are little women, +some women of a later date will be grateful +to us.</p> + +<p>The very advanced of our sex have been +known to disclaim any desire for such +consideration; they want none from the +opposite sex, but only room to fight the +battle side by side; but we who do not wish +to see life robbed of all its grace and courtliness +would respectfully insist that this +reserve should not be entirely dispensed +with. We still like a man to take off his +hat to us in the street, instead of jerking +his head on one side; we have no objection +to the inside of the pavement or the most +comfortable seat in carriage or tram, for +which we have still a word of appreciative +thanks left, though we may thereby show +how far we are left behind in the race. +I wish to make myself very clear. We do +not want our girls to be namby-pamby, +selfish, silly creatures, who imagine it is +interesting and fascinating to pose as weak, +dependent, fluttering creatures; but neither +do we want our sons to be boors, and it is +in the home where manners as well as +morals are formed. So let us not despise +the little courtesies which do so much to +sweeten daily intercourse, but teach them to +the children from the beginning, so that to +be chivalrous, courteous, gentle to rich and +poor, gentle and simple of both sexes, will +become as natural for them as to breathe.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i118.jpg" width="700" height="218" alt="Illustration 12" title="Illustration 12" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XII" id="Chapter-XII">XII. THE EDUCATION OF OUR +DAUGHTERS.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 97px;"> +<img src="images/i118a.jpg" width="97" height="100" alt="Chapter 12 decorative initial E" title="Chapter 12 decorative initial E" /> +</div><p>ven a very young daughter can be +of use to her mother, and her influence +felt in the house, if she is taught +how. Of course, the first concern, when +our little maid gets out of the nursery, is +that she should be educated, and her mental +powers have the best possible chance of +being brought to their full power.</p> + +<p>The education of our girls is one of +the great questions of the day—engrossing +the interest of those in the highest places; +and a healthy sign of the times it is. For +since it is upon the women of to-day that +the future of the race depends, what could +be of greater importance than that all her +powers, physical, mental, and moral, should +be brought as near perfection as possible?</p> + +<p>Do I of a set purpose mention the physical +first? Yes; because the older I grow +the more it comes home to me that unless +we have sound and healthy bodies we can +but poorly serve our day and generation. +Therefore the food the children eat should +be one of our chief studies and concerns; +because if we can send them out into the +world with constitutions built upon a sure and +common-sense foundation, it is the best possible +service we can render them; and one for +which they and theirs will be grateful always.</p> + +<p>This question of education is rather a +perplexing one, which gives parents a great +deal of anxious thought. The present system +is undoubtedly a great improvement +upon any we have had heretofore, and yet +it seems to leave something to be desired. +In the board schools, where the bulk of the +lower middle-class children are educated, +and where tuition is very excellent and +thorough, there is yet this drawback,—all +are sought to be raised to one dead level, +the passing of so many standards being +imperative, nor any consideration given to +individual capacity or fitness. The inevitable +result of this is that the teacher is bound to +concentrate his attention on the dull pupils, +in order to get them dragged up to the required +standard, the bright ones being left +pretty much to their own devices. However +much he may deplore this, he cannot help +himself, since it is upon his percentage of +passes that his status as a teacher, to say +nothing of his salary, depends. Therefore +in some respects the old system of parochial +teaching had its advantage over the new.</p> + +<p>But it is very specially of the education of +the girls we wish to speak, and it is gratifying +to observe that many parents are awaking to +the absurdity of insisting that their daughters +shall acquire a superficial knowledge of +certain accomplishments, whatever the bent +of their minds. How much money, to say +nothing of precious time, has been sacrificed +in the vain pursuit of music, that +sweetest of the arts; which is so often +desecrated and tortured by unwilling and unsympathetic +votaries. It very soon becomes +evident whether the child has an aptitude +for music or not; and if she has not, but +finds the study of it an imposition and a +trial, what is the use of forcing her to such +unwilling drudgery, when very likely she +possesses some other aptitude, the cultivation +of which will be both profitable and pleasant? +How many girls upon whom pounds and +pounds have been spent never touch the +piano when they are emancipated from schoolroom +control; and how much more usefully +could both time and money have been employed +in the pursuit of something else!</p> + +<p>Mothers are beginning to see this, and it +is a welcome awakening. So long as our +young maiden is occupied with school +and lessons, she has not time to learn +much else, since it is imperative that she +has recreation likewise; it is when she +leaves school that the wise mother, having +an eye to the future, will at once seek to +initiate her into the mysteries of housekeeping. +True, she may never have a home +of her own; she may be one of those called +to labour, perhaps, in the very forefront of +the working women outside; but all the same +she ought not to be ignorant of what used +to be considered the chief, if not the only +occupation for women,—she ought to be fit +to keep house on the shortest notice. It +is a woman's heritage. Whatever she may +or may not know, I hold that she ought +to acquire a certain amount of domestic +knowledge, whether she uses it or not. +Most young girls are interested in domestic +affairs, and are never happier than when +allowed to have their finger in the domestic +pie; but in this as in other things a +thorough grounding is the most satisfactory.</p> + +<p>It is astonishing what undreamed-of +qualities a sense of responsibility awakens +in a young soul; how the very idea that +something depends on her, that she is being +trusted, puts our little maid upon her mettle. +Therefore it is a good plan to leave to a +young daughter some particular duty or +duties for which she is entirely responsible.</p> + +<p>This may of course be a very slight thing +to begin with—the dusting of a room, or the +arrangement of flowers or books, or the superintendence +of the tea-table; but whatever it +is, the mother should insist that it be done +regularly and at the appointed time. Thus +will she teach her child punctuality and a +primary lesson in a method, which is the key +to all perfect housekeeping. Of course it is a +little trouble to the mother to superintend +the performance of such little duties, but she +will have her reward in the daily increasing +helpfulness of the daughter in the home.</p> + +<p>Most young girls, if skilfully dealt with, +speedily learn to take a special pride in their +own little duties, especially if their efforts +be met with appreciation. Never snub a +child; the young heart is very sensitive, and +takes a long time to forget. Little changes +in the domestic routine will be introduced +by the wise mother, in order that the work +may not become irksome.</p> + +<p>Where there are several daughters, it is +a good plan for them to exchange their +particular duties for a time. Thus, one may +assist with the cooking for a week, then +change with her sister who has the care +and arrangement of the drawing-room or +sitting-room, or with the one who helps +with the mending. So the daily round +would never become monotonous, and by +gradual and pleasant degrees a knowledge +of the whole system of housekeeping is +acquired, which will be simply invaluable +to her, whatever her future may be. If +the family circumstances demand that she +shall go out into the world to earn her +living by teaching or typewriting or shopkeeping, +the wise mother will not for this +reason relax her desire and effort to teach +her the art and mystery of housekeeping. +True, while she is occupied outside she +has little opportunity to learn it, but "where +there's a will there's a way"; and though it +may not appear at present of much practical +value to her, yet she may marry, or have +to go to single housekeeping, when the +home is no longer open to her. I again +insist that it is every woman's duty to know, +or to acquire some practical knowledge +of housekeeping, so that she may be ready +for any emergency. Her fitness for it will +be a perpetual source of satisfaction to her, +for there is nothing more self-satisfying +than to feel that one is capable; it gives +confidence, strength, and self-reliance.</p> + +<p>One of the very necessary lessons to be +taught a young girl is the value of money. +The sooner she learns what equivalent in +household necessaries money can procure +the better. The day may come when the +tired mother will be glad to be relieved +even of the responsibility of spending, and +when, thanks to her own wisdom and foresight, +she can place the family purse in +younger hands, knowing that the contents +will not be recklessly or extravagantly spent. +Let our young maiden feel that she is +entirely trusted, and that a great deal is +expected of her, then will she display qualities +undreamed-of. She will be eager to +show what she can do; and when the word +of encouragement and appreciation is not +lacking she will be proud and happy indeed. +Of course there are perverse natures, of +whom one is tempted at times to despair—irresponsible +young persons who would make +wild havoc in any establishment left to their +care; but I am speaking of the average young +girl, who may be expected to be thoughtless +and forgetful often, as is the way of youth, +but who nevertheless has the makings of a +fine, gentle-hearted, noble woman in her.</p> + +<p>"What shall we do with our daughters?" +is one of the great questions of the day. +Formerly marriage was their only destiny; +if they missed that, they were supposed to +have missed all that was worth the winning +here. But that old fallacy is exploded. +While still holding that in happy marriage +is to be found the fullest and most soul-satisfying +life for women, no open-eyed +person will deny that a single, independent, +and self-respecting life is far preferable to +the miserable, starved, inadequate wifehood +to which many women are bound. Having +dealt in a former chapter with the question +of matrimony, I must here avoid repetition, +but in connection with this subject of our +daughters we must touch upon it once +again. The wise mother will rear her +daughters to be independent, self-respecting, +and, if possible, self-supporting; not hiding +from them that she considers a real marriage +(not the mockery of it so often seen) the +highest destiny for them, but at the same +time impressing on them that there are +other spheres in which women may be as +happy and comfortable, and where they will +certainly have less anxiety and care.</p> + +<p>The woman who trains her daughters in +the belief that marriage is their only end +and aim, the very <i>raison d'être</i> of their being, +is a mistaken, despicable creature, and in all +probability her daughters will take after her.</p> + +<p>If they do not marry, then what is to become +of our daughters? Of late years their +path of life has opened up more widely and +clearly, and though the avocations open to +women are very crowded there is still room +for the best equipped. That is the secret,—to +bring to the market the highest value +only, to render oneself as efficient as nature +and circumstances permit. I would have +our girls fully comprehend that in this age +of unprecedented strain and stress there +is absolutely no room for mediocrity, and +that they cannot afford to be anything but +the most efficient workers in whatever department +they have made their own. There +is still room for the best, and persevering, +conscientious labour, worth the highest +market value, sooner or later meets its due +appreciation and reward.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i129.jpg" width="700" height="199" alt="Illustration 13" title="Illustration 13" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XIII" id="Chapter-XIII">XIII. THE SERVANT IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 97px;"> +<img src="images/i129a.jpg" width="97" height="100" alt="Chapter 13 decorative initial A" title="Chapter 13 decorative initial A" /> +</div><p>ny little book attempting to treat of +home-life must necessarily be incomplete +without some reference to the place +and power of the servant therein. We +housekeepers all know that this servant +question is just as pressing as any upon +which we have yet touched, and it is one +that is with us every day. We cannot rid +ourselves of it, even if we would, because it +involves so much of our domestic comfort +and happiness.</p> + +<p>We of modern days are filled with a +vague envy when we read of such treasures +as Caleb Balderstone, Bell of the Manse, +and various other types of a class now, we +fear, extinct—the faithful servitor, who lived +in the service of one house for generations +and desired to die in it. Perhaps such +types had their drawbacks likewise, and +sometimes presumed past endurance, doing +what seemed good in their own eyes, and +that alone. But all that could be forgiven, +because, weighed in the balance with a +lifelong devotion and loyalty and love, +they were as nothing. A few Calebs and +Bells undoubtedly still exist, but the bulk +of modern housekeepers know them not, +and regard them as pleasant creatures of +fiction, impossible to real life.</p> + +<p>Are servants really less efficient, less +conscientious, less diligent than they were? +Or is it that we expect and exact more? +Modern life has undergone such a tremendous +change, there have been so many +upheavals in relative positions, that we are +inclined to think domestic service is now +regarded from a very different standpoint +than it was fifty, or even twenty, years ago. +It is no longer regarded as honourable; +those who enter it seem to do so under +protest, the result being a most unsatisfactory +relation within doors. Some blame +education for this; and yet it seems hard +to believe that education, the pioneer of +progress everywhere and in all ages, +should be responsible for such a distorted +view. Some will tell us that this very +dissatisfaction is a sign of the times, indicating +the march of progress towards the +time when all men shall be equal, and no +more lines of demarcation shall be drawn. +Never were wages higher; never, I am +very sure, were domestic servants treated +with more consideration and respect; and +yet the fact remains that girls prefer almost +any other occupation to it. They will stand +for hours behind a counter, suffering untold +tortures from exhaustion and insufficient +food, content to receive a mere pittance, +and subjected to a system of espionage and +bullying far harder to bear than anything +found in domestic service; and they will +give you as their reasons, in general, these: +It is more genteel, they have their evenings +and their Sundays free, and they are not +required to wear the livery of cap and +apron. These are the reasons, then; what +are we to make of them?</p> + +<p>Can we make domestic service more +genteel; give evenings and Sundays free; +and are we willing to dispense with the +badge distinguishing maid from mistress? +These are the questions we have before us, +waiting an answer; in that answer perhaps +may be found the solution of the whole +stupendous difficulty.</p> + +<p>I write under one disadvantage. I have +never been a domestic servant, and I cannot +therefore look at the situation from that +particular standpoint; but I have had for +some years servants under my roof, and I +have my own experiences of these years to +guide me from the mistress's point of view. +During these years I can truthfully say that +I have most conscientiously, kindly, and +systematically done my best to make them +happy; that I have considered them very +often at the expense of my own comfort; +and though I have had no startling experiences +whatsoever, I am bound to admit +that the result on the whole is not +particularly encouraging. I have seldom +found that corresponding consideration, that +devotion to my concerns, that warm personal +interest, which make one feel that +one has friends in the household. I +have had my pound of flesh, nothing +more; they have done the work for which +they have been paid, sometimes well, but +often carelessly; and that is all. When +it came to a question of personal consideration, +of caring for my substance, +looking after my interests as I have honestly +tried to look after theirs, I have been +disappointed, and now I expect no more, +thankful if I have average comfort, and do +not have my nerves and temper tried a +hundred times a day. This I suppose is the +experience of two-thirds of the women who +may read this book.</p> + +<p>Nobody feels more keenly than I do the +monotonous drudgery of a servant's life. +Day in, day out, the same weary round; and +while the same may be said of all workers, +in whatsoever estate they may find themselves, +yet is the lot of the domestic servant +notoriously a dull routine. I often wonder, +indeed, that without that element of personal +interest which is the only thing to make the +multitudinous and weary round of household +duties sweet, or in any way tolerable, +she should do it half so well; but, on the +other hand, when one thinks of her absolute +freedom from care, sordid or otherwise, a +feeling of impatience is bound to arise. +"All found" is a comprehensive phrase, and +it is those who have to "find" it who have +the care, the thought, the anxious planning.</p> + +<p>How, then, can we establish a better +understanding between mistress and maid, +how lift this question to its highest platform, +and render the service one which +will be honoured and sought after, instead +of despised, and entered on under compulsion, +or as a last resource? I confess, for +once, I am baffled completely, and beyond +redemption. I have thought of it long and +earnestly, have done my best with my own +opportunities, and I have no glorified results +to offer. I am as others, worried and often +weary, and grateful for every small mercy +that comes in my way. It seems to me +that we want to enlarge our own minds +and the minds of those we take into our +employ; we need a wider vision, which +shall lift us clean above mere petty and +selfish concerns. That is a baptism we all +need. When shall it descend?</p> + +<p>I am forced to this conclusion—that it is +this question of all others that is absolutely +dependent on the grace of God. We must +have the true spirit of Christianity in our +kitchens and in our drawing-rooms,—that +spirit whose gracious teaching is never +ambiguous or difficult to understand; in a +word, there is nothing but the Sermon on +the Mount will do us any good. Of human +preaching, teaching, and writing we have +enough and to spare—it does not appear to +go home, or to bear any practical fruit.</p> + +<p>We can only pray that He, whose great +heart is open now as it was then to every +human need, will help us to realise our responsibility +to each other, will give us new lessons +in the law of love, and show us that service +is the highest form of praise, and that nothing +is really small or mean or despicable, except +sin and the littleness of human aims.</p> + +<p>All work is honourable, nay, it is the +highest calling on earth. It can only be +dishonoured in the doing. If each one, +master and man, mistress and maid, could +adopt this attitude towards their daily duty +to the world and to each other, there would +be found the solution of the problem vexing +the souls of so many at the present day.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i137.jpg" width="700" height="200" alt="Illustration 14" title="Illustration 14" /> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="Chapter-XIV" id="Chapter-XIV">XIV. RELIGION IN THE HOME.</a></h3> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 100px;"> +<img src="images/i137a.jpg" width="100" height="100" alt="Chapter 14 decorative initial P" title="Chapter 14 decorative initial P" /> +</div><p>erhaps this chapter might more +appropriately have been placed at +the beginning of the book than at the end, +seeing we have in it the root of the whole +matter, the key to all happiness, fitness, +comfort, and peace. Religion is a word +much misunderstood, yet it is given to us +in the Epistle of St. James in the clearest, +most intelligible language,—"Pure religion +and undefiled is to visit the widows and +the fatherless in their affliction, and to +keep himself unspotted from the world."</p> + +<p>It always seems to me that the former part +of the injunction is easier than the latter. +There is so much in the world with which +we must combat, so much that, though we +can avoid in one sense, comes so very near +to us, that it is well-nigh impossible to keep +ourselves unspotted. But though there is +a great deal of evil around us, we must not +be such cowards as to shrink from facing +it, and shut ourselves up in selfish safety, +lest it should come near us at all. This +is not what the Apostle means, for it is +possible to be in the world and yet not of +it, it is written too that "to the pure all +things are pure." What we have to do is +to see that in our inmost thoughts we are +pure, not giving lodgment in our mind to +any unholy thing which if revealed would +bring the blush of shame to our cheek. +But in the high standard of personal purity, +which we may rightly set up for ourselves, +let us not be too arrogant, or forgetful that +such as fall away from purity may have +been subjected to such terrible temptations +as we know nothing of. Let us cultivate +more of that Divine compassion towards +them which Christ showed of old towards +the Magdalene. It is in matters of such +immediate and personal interest that the +spirit of the religion we profess is to be +exhibited,—in a word, we must consecrate +all to the high service God requires of us, +honouring us in the requirement. We are +placed in this world to be happy and useful; +and though we are reminded many times +by personal sorrows and bereavements that +we have no continuing city here, yet the +knowledge need not make us gloomy, or +restless, or dissatisfied.</p> + +<p>In this lovely world, so full of beauty and +variety, we are bidden to rejoice; it is for +our enjoyment and our use, there is no stint +or condition attached to our citizenship of +God's earth. Nature is mother to all, and +has a message for the meanest and most +tried of her children; and it is a message +of divinest love. Through Nature, His +handmaid, God speaks to us, giving us in +the dawn of each new day, in the return of +each season, in the shining of the sun and +the blessing of the rain, grand and practical +lessons in faith, fulfilment of promises which +should mean a great deal to us, and teach +us more and more to trust Him in all and +through all. While we are in the world we +have a duty to it, and those who neglect or +think lightly of the practical and commonplace +requirements of daily life are in the +wrong. What is needed is a deepened +sense of responsibility concerning the +charge God has given us to keep for Him, +in the house, the workshop, or the busy +mart of life.</p> + +<p>It is with the home we have presently to +deal; and it is in the home, I think, we need +certainly, in as great a degree as elsewhere, +all the aid and stimulus religion can give. It +teaches us to make the very best of all our +circumstances, adverse or pleasant; and aids +us to the performance of all duties, however +monotonous or irksome in themselves. It +is not ours to inquire whether these duties +are just what we would desire or choose +for ourselves, had choice remained with us. +Religion does not consist in the performance +of religious ordinances, in conscientious +reading of the Word or the utterance +of its formal prayers; these are its attributes, +its natural outcome, not by any +means the thing itself. Religion is, I take +it, to be a principle, a powerful guiding +motive to direct us in the ordinary affairs +of life, and its mainspring is love. Love for +whom? For the Lord Jesus. And if we +love Him, and truly desire to serve Him, it +will be no difficulty for us, but a natural and +exquisite result, that we love one another.</p> + +<p>Even the enemies of Christ, who deny +His divinity, admit the beauty and perfectness +of His character, and the unselfishness +and holiness of His earthly life. Since +these three-and-thirty years He walked with +men many new Christs have risen, many +new creeds and dogmas been offered for +the world's acceptance; but all have passed +away, disappeared into nothingness, and +Christ remains, the mainstay and salvation +of human souls. His teaching is still the +very best we can obtain for our guidance +here. Take the Sermon on the Mount, for +instance. How perfect it is, how comprehensive, +how full of little things, and yet +how wide-reaching in its limit! There is +nothing forgotten; nearly nineteen hundred +years old, and yet it is adapted for every +need of the human soul. If we could get the +spirit of that blessed teaching more firmly +planted in our hearts, we could make the +world a happier place for ourselves and +others. We are all fond of laying plans for +the future; and there are few of us who do +not at least once a year review the past, +and make new resolves for the future. +Some of us are constantly taking retrospects, +and sometimes feel hopeless. We +seem to be making so little progress in +that higher life which we desire, and strive +after in some degree. In a twofold sense +this looking back may be made profitable to +us. It must always, unless we are very +hard of heart, make us grateful for past +mercies; and when we consider how wonderfully +and tenderly we have been led +through difficulties and trials, or dangers, +or guided through the more perilous waters +of prosperity and success, it will give us +greater heart to go forward to whatever +may lie before us. When we look back on +lost opportunities, it must make us more +watchful of those present with us, and help +us to give to each new day as it comes +something upon which we shall afterwards +look back without regret. The older I grow +the more strongly do I feel that religion is +a matter of daily living—of practice, not +precept; and that unless the Spirit of Christ +animate us in all our relations one to the +other we name His name in vain. And +what a lovely spirit it was, unsullied by any +trace of selfishness, gentle, forbearing, long-suffering, +just to the last degree!</p> + +<p>It is this spirit alone that can sanctify +and bless the home, and raise all common +life out of a sordid groove; that can make +homely things beautiful, and hard things, of +which so many meet us on life's road, easier +to bear. Oh that we had a larger baptism +of it; that we who so long and strive for +it could have it always with us! Human +nature is so perverse, and self so strong. +Yet, even in its weakest efforts, this earnest +desire to live the religion Christ has taught +us will not go unblessed, but will make its +little lesson felt wherever it is found. Because +it makes us more self-denying, more +charitable, more forbearing in every relation +of life, it will make others inquire concerning +the hope that is in us.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"In hidden and unnoticed ways;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In household work, on common days,"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>we may do the Master's work, and make +our homes altars to His glory.</p> + +<p>We want less talk and more action, less +precept and more example, which though +reticent of speech is yet eloquent in testimony +for good or for evil. So, whatever +be our lot or circumstances, whatever our +joys and sorrows, our losses or crosses, we +may with confidence look ahead, and our +great compensation will not be lacking—"She +hath done what she could"; and again, +"Well done, good and faithful servant: +enter thou into the joy of thy Lord."</p> + + +<br /> +<br /> + +<p class="center">Printed by Hazell, Watson, & Viney, Ld., London and Aylesbury.</p> +</div> + +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 35963-h.txt or 35963-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/5/9/6/35963">http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/9/6/35963</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Swan + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Courtship and Marriage + And the Gentle Art of Home-Making + + +Author: Annie S. Swan + + + +Release Date: April 25, 2011 [eBook #35963] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE*** + + +E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau, Stephanie Kovalchik, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustration and + illuminations. See 35963-h.htm or 35963-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/35963/35963-h/35963-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/35963/35963-h.zip) + + + + + +[Illustration: Very sincerely yours, Annie S. Swan.] + +Twenty-fourth thousand. + + +COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE + +And the Gentle Art of Home-Making. + +by + +ANNIE S. SWAN (Mrs. Burnett-Smith), + +Author of "A Bitter Debt," "Homespun," "Aldersyde," Etc., Etc. + + + +"_Love is the incense that doth sweeten earth._" + + + "_Be it ever so humble, + There's no place like home._" + + + + + + + +London, 1894: +Hutchinson & Co., 34, Paternoster Row. + + * * * * * * + +New Books + +By ANNIE S. SWAN. + + +A BITTER DEBT. + +A TALE OF THE BLACK COUNTRY. + +_In large crown 8vo, handsome cloth gilt binding, with +illustrations by D. Murray-Smith. Price 5s._ + + +Thirty-second Thousand. + +HOMESPUN: + +A STUDY OF A SIMPLE FOLK. + +_In cloth, gilt, 1s. 6d., paper, 1s. With Illustrations._ + +"The language is perfect; the highest strings of humanity +are touched."--_Athenaeum._ + +"'Homespun' is excellent, a masterpiece. It is told with +great skill, and quiet but genuine power. The story will +long be a favourite in Scotland, and is sure to be widely +read in England."--_British Weekly._ + +"Power and felicity are in evidence on every page."--_Glasgow +Herald._ + + +London: HUTCHINSON & Co., 34, Paternoster Row. + + * * * * * * + + + +TO + +The Loved Memory + +OF + +MY FATHER. + + +"An honest man--the noblest work of God." + + + + +[Illustration] + + +CONTENTS. + + + CHAP. PAGE + + I. THE LOVERS 7 + + II. THE IDEAL WIFE 19 + + III. THE IDEAL HUSBAND 30 + + IV. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE 43 + + V. THE IDEAL HOME 56 + + VI. KEEPING THE HOUSE 64 + + VII. THE TRUEST ECONOMY 72 + + VIII. ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES 80 + + IX. MOTHERHOOD 90 + + X. THE SON IN THE HOME 99 + + XI. THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME 109 + + XII. THE EDUCATION OF OUR DAUGHTERS 117 + + XIII. THE SERVANT IN THE HOME 128 + + XIV. RELIGION IN THE HOME 136 + + + + +[Illustration] + +COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. + + + + +I. + +_THE LOVERS._ + + +Of this truly gentle art we do not hear a great deal. It has no +academies connected with its name, no learned body of directors or +councillors, no diplomas or graduation honours; yet curiously enough it +offers more enduring consequences than any other art which makes more +noise in the world. Its business is the most serious business of life, +fraught with the mightiest issues here and hereafter--viz., the moulding +of human character and the guiding of human conduct. It is right and +fitting, then, that it should demand from us some serious attention, +and we may with profit consider how it can best be fostered and made +competent to bless the greatest number, which, I take it, is the _ultima +Thule_ of all art. To trace this gentle art from its early stages we +must first consider, I think, the relation to each other before marriage +of the young pair who aim at the upbuilding of a home, wherein they +shall not only be happy themselves, but which, in their best moments, +when the heavenly and the ideal is before them, they hope to make a +centre of influence from which shall go forth means of grace and +blessing to others. + +I do not feel that any apology is required for my desire to linger a +little over that old-fashioned yet ever-new phase of life known as +courting days. It is one which is oftener made a jest of than a serious +study; yet such is its perennial freshness and interest for men and +women, that it can never become threadbare; and though there cannot be +much left that is new or original to say about it, yet a few thoughts +from a woman's point of view may not be altogether unacceptable. We are +constantly being told that we live in a hard, prosaic age, that romance +has no place in our century, and that the rush and the fever of life +have left but little time or inclination for the old-time grace and +leisure with which our grandfathers and grandmothers loved, wooed, and +wed. + +This study of human nature is my business, and it appears to me that the +world is very much as it was--that Eden is still possible to those who +are fit for it; and it is beyond question that love, courtship, and +marriage are words to conjure with in the garden of youth, and that a +love-story has yet the power to charm even sober men and women of middle +age, for whom romance is mistakenly supposed to be over. + +Every man goes to woo in his own way, and the woman he woos is apt to +think it the best way in the world; it would be superfluous for a mere +outsider to criticise it. Examples might be multiplied; in the novels we +read we have variety and to spare. We know the types well. Let me +enumerate a few. The diffident youth, weighed down with a sense of his +own unworthiness, approaching his divinity with a blush and a stammer; +and in some extreme cases--these much affected by the novelists of an +earlier decade--going down upon his knees; the bold wooer, who believes +in storming the citadel, and is visited by no misgiving qualms; the +cautious one, who counts the cost, and tries to make sure of his answer +beforehand,--the only case in which I believe that a woman has a right +to exercise the qualities of the coquette; then we have also the victim +of extreme shyness, who would never come to the point at all without a +little assistance from the other side. There are other types,--the +schemer and the self-seeker, whose matrimonial ventures are only +intended to advance worldly interests. We need not begin to dissect +them--it would not be a profitable occupation. + +Well, while not seeking or attempting to lay down rules or offer any +proposition as final, there are sundry large and general principles +which may be touched upon to aid us in looking at this interesting +subject from a sympathetic and common-sense point of view. + +Most people, looking back, think their own romance the most beautiful in +the world, even if it sometimes lacked that dignity which the onlooker +thought desirable. + +It is a crisis in the life of a young maiden when she becomes conscious +for the first time that she is an object of special interest to a member +of the opposite sex; that interest being conveyed in a thousand delicate +yet unmistakable ways, which cause a strange flutter at her heart, and +make her examine her own feelings to find whether there be a responsive +chord. The modest, sensible, womanly girl, who is not yet extinct, in +spite of sundry croakers, will know much better than anybody can tell +her how to adjust her own conduct at this crisis in her life. Her own +innate delicacy and niceness of perception will guide her how to act, +and if the attentions be acceptable to her she will give just the right +meed of encouragement, so that the course of true love may run smoothly +towards consummation. Of course the usual squalls and cross currents +must be looked for--else would that delightful period of life be robbed +of its chief zest and charm, to say nothing of the unhappy novelist's +occupation, which would undoubtedly be gone for ever. + +There have occasionally been discussions as to the desirability of long +engagements, and there are sufficient arguments both for and against; +but the best course appears to be, as in most other affairs of life, to +try and strike the happy medium. Of necessity, circumstances alter +cases. When the young pair have known each other for a long period of +years, and there are no obstacles in the way, the long engagement is +then superfluous. + +But in cases where an attachment arises out of a very brief +acquaintance, I should think it desirable that some little time should +be given for the pair to know something of each other before incurring +the serious responsibility of life together. Of course it is true that +you cannot thoroughly know a person till you live with him or her; yet +it is surely possible to form a fair estimate of personal character +before entering on that crucial ordeal, and there is no doubt that fair +opportunity given for such estimate considerably reduces the matrimonial +risk. That the risk is great and serious even the most giddy and +thoughtless will not deny. No doubt both men and maidens are on their +best behaviour during courting days; still, if a mask be worn, it must +of necessity sometimes be drawn aside, and a glimpse of the real +personality obtained. + +It is not for me to say what should or should not be the conduct of a +young man during his period of probation, though of course I may be +allowed my own ideas concerning it. One thing, however, is very sure, +and that is, that if he truly and whole-heartedly love the woman he +desires to make his wife, this pure and ennobling passion, which I +believe to be a "means of grace" to every man, will arouse all that is +best and purest and highest in him,--that is, if the woman be worthy his +regard, and capable of exercising such an influence over him. It is +possible for a man to deteriorate under the constant companionship of a +light-minded, frivolous woman, who by force of her personal attractions +and fascinations can keep him at her side, even against his better +judgment. But only for a time: the woman who has beauty only, and does +not possess those lasting qualities, stability of mind and purity of +heart, will not long retain her hold upon the affections she has won. +I will do men credit to believe that they desire something more in a +wife than mere physical attractions, though these are by no means to be +despised. I am sure every unmarried man hopes to find in the wife he may +yet marry a companion and a sympathiser, who will wear the same +steadfast and lovely look on grey days as well as gold. + +I once heard a young Scotch working man give his definition of a good +wife--"A woman who will be the same to you on off-Saturday as pay +Saturday." Nor was he very wide of the mark. I have no sort of +hesitation in laying down a law for the guidance of young women during +that halcyon time "being engaged." She knows very well, without any +telling from me, that her influence is almost without limit. In these +days before marriage the haunting fear of losing her is before her +lover's mind, making him at once humble and pliable, and it is then +that the wise, womanly girl sows the seed which will bear rich harvest +in the more prosaic days of married life, when many engrossing cares are +apt to wean her from the finer shading of higher things. + +And here I would wish to emphasise one inexorable fact, which is too +often passed by or made light of. I do not set it down in a bitter or +pessimistic spirit, but simply stating what men and women of larger +experience know to be true: what a man will not give up for a woman +before marriage, he never will after. Therefore no young girl can make a +more profound mistake than to marry a man of doubtful habits in the hope +of reforming him after she is his wife. The reformation must be begun, +if not ended before, or the risks are perilous indeed. She will probably +repent her folly in sadness and tears. And here I would protest, and +solemnly, against that view, held by some women, I believe, though I +hope they are few: that a man is none the worse for having been a little +fast. It is a most dangerous creed, and one which has done much to lower +the morals of this and other days. Let us reverse the position, and ask +whether any man in his right mind will admit as much in regarding the +woman he would make his wife. If it is imperative that she should be +blameless and pure, let him see to it that his record also is +clean--that he is fit to mate with her. And I would implore the mistaken +and foolish girls who entertain an idea so false to every principle of +righteousness and purity to put it from them for ever, and exact from +the men to whom they give themselves so absolutely and irrevocably, a +standard of purity as high as that set for them. I speak strongly on +this subject because it is one on which I feel so very strongly. There +is no necessity for priggishness or preaching; the womanly woman, true +to the highest ideal, the ideal which God has set for her, can surround +herself with that atmosphere, indescribable, undefinable, but in the +presence of which impurity and lightness of speech or behaviour cannot +live. I believe women are our great moral teachers--would that more of +them would awaken to the stupendous greatness of their calling! + +Love is the most wonderful educator in the world; it opens up worlds and +possibilities undreamed of to those to whom it comes, the gift of God. I +am speaking of love which is worthy of the name, not of its many +counterfeits. The genuine article only, based upon respect and esteem, +can stand the test of time, the wear and tear of life; the love which is +the wine of life, more stimulating and more heart-inspiring when the +days are dark than at any other time,--the love which rises to the +occasion, and which many waters cannot quench. + +Blessed be God that it is still as possible to us men and women of +to-day as to the pair that dwelt in Eden! + + + + +[Illustration] + +II. + +_THE IDEAL WIFE._ + + +Now having brought our young pair so far on the road, we must needs go a +step farther, and see what grit is in them for the plain prose of daily +life; not that we admit or hint for a moment that poetry must be laid +aside, only the prose may, very likely will, demand their first +consideration. If the novels most eagerly read, most constantly sought +after at the libraries and book-shops, are any sign of the times, we may +feel very certain that marriage has caused no diminution of interest in +those looking on, but rather the reverse, so we may follow them without +hesitation across the threshold of their new home. + +And as the wife is properly supposed to be the light and centre of the +home, we must first consider her position in it, and her fitness for it. +It is by no means so easy to fill the position successfully as the +uninitiated are apt to suppose; and I have no hesitation in saying that +the first year of married life is a crucial test of a woman's +disposition and character. It brings out her individuality in bold +relief, shows her at her worst and best. She has to give herself so +entirely and unreservedly, and in many cases to merge her individuality +in that of another, that to do it with grace requires a considerable +drain on her fund of unselfishness. It is even more difficult in cases +where the wife has come from a home where she was idolised, and perhaps +indulged a great deal more than was good for her. + +It seems to me that one of the most valuable qualities the new wife can +take with her is unselfishness. Equipped with that, everything else will +come easily. + +While it is true that she is required, to a certain extent, sometimes +greater and sometimes less, to take a back place, she must be careful +not to lose her individuality, to become merely an echo of her husband, +to render herself insipid. It is a fine distinction, perhaps, but +necessary to observe, because I am sure there is no man here present, +married or unmarried, or anywhere else, unless a fool, who would wish to +be tied for life to a nonentity. + +The woman who dearly loves her husband will never seek to usurp his +place as head of the house; nay, she will delight to keep herself in the +background if by so doing he can show to more advantage. Even if nature +has endowed her with gifts more richly than her spouse, she will be +careful, out of the very wealth of her love, not to make the contrast +observable. + +It has been said that men prefer as wives women whose intelligence is +not above the average; but is that not a libel on the sex? The higher +the intelligence the more satisfactory the performance of the duties +required of a reasonable being; and I would therefore insist that the +woman of large brain power, provided she has well-balanced judgment, and +a heart as expansive as her brain, will more nearly approach the ideal +in matrimony than the more frivolous woman, who has no thought beyond +her personal aggrandisement and adornment, and who buys her new bonnet +with a kiss. + +The woman who looks with intelligent interest upon the large questions +affecting the welfare of the world is likely to bring a more wide and +loving sympathy to bear upon the concerns of more immediate moment to +her, and which affect the welfare of all within the walls of her home. + +I am old-fashioned enough to think these latter should be her first +concern, but in her large heart she may have room for many more; for +when the outlook is narrow and mean, when nothing is deemed of +consequence except what affects self and those circled by selfish +interest, life becomes a poor thing, and human nature a stunted and +miserable quality. I have known, as, I daresay, you also have known, +women whose whole talk is "my home," "my husband," "my children," until +one grows weary of the selfish iteration, and prays to be delivered from +it. + +We have of late years had much amusing and perhaps, in some remote +degree, profitable newspaper discussion on the subject of married life, +and the respective merits of wives. On the whole, the wife, I think, has +fared but badly at the hands of her critics. She is a great grievance to +some, it would appear, from the minuteness with which her faults and +failings have been enumerated. That she may have her uses has been +somewhat grudgingly admitted; that she may in some rare instances +sweeten the desert of life for her mate is not absolutely denied; but in +the main she is judged to have fallen short--in a word, she is _not_ +ideal. Of course such discussion and such verdict is but the froth on a +passing wave; still, it serves to illustrate my contention that there is +no subject on earth of more surpassing interest to men and women than +this very theme we are considering. The men who have written on the +subject lay great stress on a loving disposition and an amiable temper, +which are indeed two most powerful factors in the scene of wedded +happiness. An amiable temper is a gift of God which cannot be too highly +prized, since those who have it not must be constantly at war with self. +When combined with these sweet qualities is a large meed of common +sense, which accepts the inevitable, even if it bring disappointment and +disillusionment in its train, with a cheerful philosophy, then is the +happiness of married life secured. The buffets of fortune cannot touch +it--its house is builded on a rock. + +It is Lady Henry Somerset, I think, who has said that sentimentality +has been from time immemorial the curse of woman. There is a great deal +of truth in the remark. We want women to be delivered from this sickly +thrall of sentimentality--which word I use as distinct from sentiment, a +very different quality indeed; we desire them to take wider, healthier, +sounder views of life. + +In fiction it is no longer considered necessary to bring one's heroine +to the very verge of a decline in order to make her interesting; and +nobody now has much sympathy with Thackeray's favourite Amelia, and +other limp young women who are dissolved in tears on the smallest +provocation, sometimes on none at all. + +No, we want a more robust womanhood than that, sound of body and sound +of mind, in order that our homes may be happy and well regulated, our +children born and reared fit for the battle of life. A well-known +novelist, lecturing recently on the younger generation of +fiction-writers, remarked that Robert Louis Stevenson, in ignoring +woman so much in his works, had passed by the most picturesque part of +human life. The contention was perfectly unimpeachable from the artistic +point of view; but we aim, I trust, at being something more than +picturesque. While not disdaining the high privilege of giving the +romance and sweetness to life, we would desire also to be strong, +capable, serviceable to our day and generation. So and so only can we +hope to be the equal and the friend of man. But in this worthy aim we +have to steer clear of many quicksands; we must avoid the very semblance +of usurpation or imitation. + +Surely we are sufficiently endowed with our own gifts and graces, so +powerful in their influence, that I need not enumerate or expatiate upon +them here. + +Let us not forget that in true womanliness is our strength, and that the +end of our being is to comfort and bless and love--never to usurp. + +What can be more melancholy than to live with a grumbler, to sit +opposite a face prematurely wrinkled at the brows and down-drooped at +the lips? I have in my mind's eye, as perhaps you have in yours, such a +woman, tied to the best of good fellows, who, through no fault of his +own, has not as yet made such headway in life as was expected of him. +And his Nemesis sits at home, querulous and fretful because her +establishment is more modest than her ambition, her possessions than her +pretensions. Life is embittered to him; hope has died: if love follow it +sadly to the bier, who can blame him? Certainly not the woman who has +been a hindrance and not a help, one whose reproaches, tacit and +acknowledged, have caused the iron to enter into his soul. It is such +women who send men to mental and moral destruction, nor is their +punishment lacking. + +The ideal wife, then, will sedulously cultivate the happy spirit of +contentment, and make the best of everything, not seeking to add to the +burden an already overworked husband may have to carry. It is not the +abundance of worldly possessions which makes happiness. I can speak from +personal experience, and I could tell you a story of a young pair who +began life in very humble circumstances, in the face of much opposition, +and who, by dint of honest, faithful, united endeavours, overcame +obstacles over which Experience shook her head and called +insurmountable. And the struggle being over, the memory of it is sweet +beyond all telling,--the little shifts to make ends meet, the constant +planning and striving, the simple pleasures won by waiting and hard +work, are possessions which they would not barter for untold gold. + +The woman who loves and is beloved finds herself strong to bear the ills +that may meet her from day to day. We have much to bear physically, and +it is hard to carry always a bright spirit in a frail body; but we have +our compensations, which are many. They will at once occur to every +sympathetic and discerning heart, but are they not after all summed up +in the eloquent words of Holy Writ, "The heart of her husband doth +safely trust in her;" "Her children arise and call her blessed"? + +And these, after all, are the heavenliest gifts for women here below, +and the wise woman, so blessed, will always feel that her possessions +are greater than her needs, and in her loving service, for her own +first, and afterwards for all whom her blessed influence can reach, will +as near as possible approach the ideal. With God, tender to Woman +always, we may safely leave the rest. + + + + +[Illustration] + +III. + +_THE IDEAL HUSBAND._ + + +The duties and obligations of the husband in the house are surely not +less binding than those of the wife; he has to contribute his share +towards its happiness or misery. The ideal husband, from a woman's point +of view, is a many-sided creature; but his outstanding characteristic +must of necessity be his power to make the home of which he is the head +come as near to the heavenly type as may be in this mundane sphere. +However wise and wifely and absolutely conscientious in her endeavour +the wife may be, she cannot unaided make the perfect home--it must be a +joint concern. The pity of it is we so often see two, bound together by +the closest and most indissoluble of all earthly ties, walking their +separate ways, forgetful of both spirit and letter of their marriage +vows. This home-making and home-keeping quality is the very wherefore of +the man's existence as a husband; for his home with its shelter, +adequate or inadequate, is all he has to offer in exchange for the woman +who has given him herself. If she be cheated of her birthright here, she +may consider herself poor indeed. + +There are undoubtedly very many selfish and purely self-seeking women, +who starve the atmosphere about them; but as a rule the beauty of true +unselfishness is oftener found adorning the female character than the +male. Nobody attempts to deny this, therefore when we meet a truly +unselfish man we must regard him with reverence, as a being truly great. +It is without doubt a more arduous task for a man to cultivate the +unselfish spirit, because the training of the race for centuries has +rather tended to the fostering of selfishness in him--woman having for +long been cheated of her lawful place and power in the scheme of +creation. + +The quality most of all admired by woman in man is manliness: she can +forgive almost anything but his lack of courage. + +The manly man, conscious of his strength, is of necessity tender and +considerate towards those weaker than himself, and so wins their +confidence and love. When he marries, therefore, he takes a wife to +shield her from the rude blasts of the world; all that his care and +tenderness can do will be done to make lighter for her the ordinary +burdens of life. Nor will he expect impossibilities, nor growl because +he finds he has married a very human woman, with a great many needs and +wants. Angels do not mate with mortals, the contrast would be too +one-sided. + +It is well with the man who has in his wife not only a bright companion +for his days of sunshine, but who in the crises of his life finds in her +heart the jewel of common sense and the pearl of a quick understanding. +The wife who comprehends him at once when he says expenditure has been +too heavy, that it must be reduced to meet the altered finances, and who +not only comprehends, but cheerfully acquiesces, planning with him how +retrenchment can best be carried out; the wife to whom the lack of the +new bonnet or the new carpet is a matter of small moment,--she it is who +makes glad the heart of her husband. Ay, but what kind of a husband? He +must first deserve this jewel before he can expect her to display those +qualities which money cannot buy, but which prevent marriage from being +the failure sundry croakers would have us believe. How is he to deserve +her? how win her to this most desirable height of perfection? By +treating her as an entirely reasonable being, which most women are, in +spite of many affirmations to the contrary. + +The monetary basis of the engagement matrimonial is not, unfortunately, +always sound. How common it is for a man to keep his wife in utter +ignorance of the state of his affairs, thus depriving her of the only +safe guide she can have in the conduct of her domestic affairs! If a +woman is to be a man's true helpmeet, she must stand shoulder to +shoulder with him in everything, sharing as far as is possible his +anxieties and his hopes, and by judicious expenditure of his means +aiding him to the best position it is possible for him to attain. Of +course there are poor silly creatures fit to be wife to no man, who do +not deserve and could not appreciate confidence, and who are lamentably +ignorant of the value of L _s. d._ But the majority of wives, I would +hope, possess sufficient common sense to comprehend the simple questions +of income and expenditure when candidly placed before them. How +delightful, as well as imperative, to go into a committee of ways and +means periodically, talking over everything confidentially, and feeling +the sweet bond of union growing closer and dearer because of the cares +and worries none can escape, though love and sympathy can make them +light! + +There is a type of husband--unfortunately rather common--who begrudges +his wife, whatever her character and disposition, every penny she +spends, even though it is spent primarily for his own comfort, and who +has never in his life cheerfully opened out to her his purse, whatever +he may have done with the thing he calls his heart. This is a very +serious matter, and one which presses heavily on the hearts of many +wives. It is hard for a young girl, who may in her father's house have +had pocket money always to supply her simple needs, to find herself +after marriage practically penniless--having to ask for every penny she +requires, and often to explain minutely how and where it is to be spent. +I have known a man who required an absolute account of every halfpenny +spent by his wife, and who took from her change of the shilling he had +given her for a cab fare. We must pray, for the credit of the sex, that +there are few so lost to all gentlemanly feeling, to speak of nothing +else; but it is certain that, through thoughtlessness as much as +stinginess often, many sensitive women suffer keenly from this form of +humiliation. It ought not to be. If a woman is worthy to be trusted with +a man's honour, which is supposed to be more valuable to him than his +gold, let her likewise be trusted with a little of the latter, without +having to crave it and answer for it as a servant sent on an errand +counts out the copper change to her master on her return. There are many +little harmless trifles a woman wants, many small kindnesses she would +do on the impulse of the moment, had she money in her purse; and though +she may sometimes not be altogether wise, she is blessed in the doing, +and nobody is the poorer. However small a man's income, there are surely +a few odd shillings the wife might have for her very own, if only to +gratify her harmless little whims, and to make her feel that she +sometimes has a penny to spare. It is quite desirable, I think, that +there should be, even where means are limited (I am not of course +alluding to working people whose weekly wage is barely sufficient for +family needs), some arrangement whereby the wife may have something, +however small, upon which she can depend, and which she can spend when +and how she pleases. + +Some indulgent fathers, foreseeing the possibility of their daughters +feeling the lack of a little money, continue their allowance to their +married daughters; but there are very few husbands, one would think, who +would care to leave their wives so dependent for little luxuries it +should be their privilege to supply. + +The labourer is surely worthy of his hire; and the wife, upon whose +shoulders the domestic load presses most heavily, is as justly entitled +to her payment as her housemaid, whose duties are more clearly defined. +Some high-flown personages may think this a very gross view of the case, +and say, perchance, that where love is there can never be any hardship +felt. But I know that I touch upon what is a sore point with many women, +and I can only hope that if any stingy husbands read these words they +will try a little experiment on their own account, and see how the +unexpected gift of a little money, offered lovingly, can bring the light +back to eyes which have grown a little weary, and smooth the lines away +from a brow which care has wrinkled before its time. + +The ideal husband we are considering will also be a home-keeping +husband. Let me not here be misunderstood. No sensible woman will desire +to keep her husband always at her side, nor can any woman make a more +profound mistake than to try and wean the man she has married away from +all his old friends and associations. I am speaking of good men, of +course, whose friends and associations are such as she need not regard +with apprehension. Yet it is a mistake which many women make, and it is +a common saying with the bachelors who may miss a certain bright spirit +from their midst, "Oh, nobody ever sees him now, he's married!" And +there is a peculiar emphasis on the last word which you must hear to +appreciate, but it signifies that he is as good as dead. + +Now why should this be? The wise wife, instead of being so small-minded +and jealous, should try to remember that there is a side of man's nature +which demands sympathy and contact with his own sex--and also that her +husband knew and loved these old friends of his perhaps before he ever +saw her. Let her try instead to make them all so welcome in her home +that they will come and come again, and instead of pitying her husband +because he has got his head into a noose will go away thinking him a +lucky fellow. This is not an impossibility. It can be done. + +But while this husband of ours does not give up his old friends of his +own sex, nor abjure all the manly pursuits and recreations so dear to +his soul in his state of bachelorhood, he will take care that they do +not absorb an undue share of his leisure, but will prefer home and wife +to them all, and _let her know it_. He will not be above expressing his +satisfaction when his home suddenly strikes him with more force than +usual as being the sweetest place on earth; he will say so just as +frankly as he finds fault when there is just cause for complaint; and +she will return it by a loving interest pressed down and running over, +or I am neither woman nor wife. + +The ideal husband, then, is no more perfect than the ideal wife; nor +would she wish him to be other than he is, manly, generous, +kindly-hearted, well-conditioned, and, above all things, true as steel. +That he occasionally loses his temper, and does many thoughtless and +stupid things, makes no difference so long as his heart is pure and +tender and true. + +The ideal relationship betwixt husband and wife has always appeared to +me to be comradeship,--a standing shoulder to shoulder, upholding each +other through thick and thin, and above all keeping their inner +sanctuary sacred from the world. What says one of our greatest teachers +in "Romola"?--"She who willingly lifts the veil from her married life +transforms it from a sanctuary into a vulgar place." These are solemn +words, solemn and true. We have in these strange days too much +publicity--the fierce light beats not only on the throne but on the +humbler home. The craving for details relating to the private life of +those who may in any degree stand out among their fellows has developed +into a species of disease. Kept within due bounds this curiosity is in +itself harmless, and may be to a certain extent gratified, but the +privacy of domestic life cannot be too sacredly guarded; the home ought +to be to tired men and women a veritable sanctuary where they can be at +peace. + + + + +[Illustration] + +IV. + +_THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE._ + + +This is the crucial period in the lives of most married people; the test +which decides the wisdom or the folly of the step they have taken. Now, +when the irrevocable words have been said, the vow taken for better or +for worse, and the door shut upon the outside world, if any mask has +been worn it is laid aside and true self revealed. To some this means +disillusionment, and disappointment is inevitable, since marriage is +entered on from a great variety of motives, and love is not always the +first and most potent. With these, meanwhile, we do not propose to deal; +their punishment is certain, since there can be no misery on earth more +hopeless and more galling than the misery of a loveless marriage. + +But even ordinary happy and sensible people, who have married for love, +and who honestly desire to make their home as far as possible an earthly +paradise, cannot escape the inevitable strain of this first year of +married life. To begin with, it is a trite saying that you cannot know a +person until you live with him or her; and people come to years of +maturity have formed habits of thought and action which may, in some +cases must, clash with those of the other with whom they are brought +into contact every day. Contact, too, from which it is impossible to +escape. You meet in business and society many persons with whom you find +it difficult to agree, whose opinions jar upon you, and who rub you the +wrong way, and you find it irksome enough to meet such a person even +occasionally; imagine, then, what it would be like were you placed in, +or forced to endure, his or her companionship every day. Yet such is the +experience of some married persons, who have rushed into matrimony +without due knowledge or consideration. + +But leaving these extreme cases out of the question, meanwhile let us +think of the test of perpetual companionship as applied to an ordinary +pair who enter on married life with the ordinary prospect of happiness. + +During the days of courtship and engagement they, of course, saw a good +deal of each other, and got to know, as they thought, every peculiarity +and characteristic. Sometimes, even, they had quarrels arising out of +trifles, foolish misunderstandings which caused serious heart-burnings, +none of which, however, were of long duration; and the making up was +invariably sweet enough to atone for the temporary misery, and help to +make up the poetry of life. But the lovers' quarrel and the quarrel +matrimonial are entirely different; and while the former is usually but +a passing breeze, the latter is more serious, and to be avoided almost +at any cost. We want fair winds always, if possible, to speed our +matrimonial barque; we do not wish its timbers shaken by the whirlwind +of passion. + +We have all our little peculiarities, excrescences of character which +are apt to rub roughly against our neighbours' sensibilities, let us +not, when feeling these drawbacks, forget our own. We are so apt to +magnify in others, and to minimise in ourselves. + +It is easy to be on good behaviour with a person we only see +occasionally, even every day, so long as the cares and worries of life +are in the background, never obtruded, however heavily they press, +because these short moments are too precious to be clouded in any way. +It is easy to be unselfish for a little while; to bow, now and then, +absolutely to another's will; to suffer discomfort once a week, if +necessary, to make a dear one comfortable. All such little sacrifices +during courting days seem but a privilege, and make up the poetry of +that happy time. + +But the day comes sooner or later to the married pair, when the prose +pages must be turned, and poetry relegated to the background, days on +which the reality of life, in all its grim nakedness, seems to banish +romance, and when love needs all its strength and staying power for the +fight. The common-sense man or woman, of which type a few examples yet +remain with us, will prepare themselves for the slight disappointments +which are inevitable, when two people, regarding each other from an +adoring distance, and having invested each other with many exaggerated +gifts and graces, put themselves voluntarily to the test of everyday +life, with all its prosaic details, its crosses and losses, its silences +and its tears. It is like making a new acquaintance, having to meet +each other in all situations, and in various unromantic and sometimes +supremely trying conditions. Edwin pacing his chamber floor +anathematising a buttonless shirt is a picture our comic journals have +made familiar to us; and Angelina in her curl-papers and untidy morning +gown looks a different being from the sylph in evening attire all smiles +and blushes. These extreme examples serve only to illustrate my +contention, that the closeness of the marriage relation carries its +peril with it. To the man or woman, however, who marries for that love +which is based on the qualities of both head and heart, and who knows +that daily life, with its rubs and scrubs, will sometimes mar the +sweetest temper and cloud the serenest brow, there cannot come any +serious disillusionment. Loving each other dearly, they remember they +are but human; and as perfection is not inborn in humanity, they accept +each other's faults and shortcomings gracefully, not magnifying them +sourly and grumblingly, but bearing with them, and rejoicing in and +accepting the good. + +Domestic life to the young and untried housekeeper is something of an +ordeal. She may have had her own place in her father's home, her own +special duties to attend to, even her own share of responsibility. +Still, it is an altogether different matter to have the entire care of a +household, to guide all its concerns, and be responsible for the +domestic comfort of all within the four walls of the house. Happy the +young wife who had a wise mother, and came well-equipped from the +parental home. + +There is no more fruitful source of the disappointment and +disillusionment of which we have been speaking than incapacity on the +part of the young wife to steer the domestic boat. All men like creature +comforts, and are more keenly sensible perhaps than women to the +advantages of a well-ordered home. We all know how women living alone +are apt to neglect themselves in the matter of preparing regular and +substantial meals; and how many suffer thereby. A good dinner is more to +a man than it is to a woman; and, for my part, I do not see why it +should be necessary to sneer at a man because he desires and can enjoy a +wholesome, well-cooked meal. It is a sign of a healthy body and a sound +mind, and the true housewife is never happier than when she caters +successfully for the members of her household, and beholds the hearty +appreciation of her labours. + +It is the custom in certain quarters in these days to decry this special +department of woman's work, and to belittle its importance, but I am +old-fashioned enough to hold that one of the most essential points of +fitness for the married life in woman is her ability to keep house +economically, wisely, and successfully. Nothing will ever convince me +that such fitness is not one of her solemn and binding duties; in fact, +it is one of the reasons of her existence as a wife. + +Sometimes her worries and perplexities, at first, resting entirely on +her shoulders, may give to her tongue an unusually sharp edge, and she +may find it a too serious effort to smile just when her spouse may think +it right and fitting that she should. + +Out of what trifles do great issues arise! Let not the sun go down upon +your wrath. My advice to the young wife when things do _not_ go well +with her, when she grows hot and tired over a weary dinner, which does +not turn out the success she wishes, or when she has been tried beyond +all patience with her "help",--my advice is, Don't nag. Be cheerful. +Swallow the pill in the kitchen at any cost, but, above all, don't nag! +A man will stand almost anything but nagging. Don't save up a long +string of miseries, small and big, to pour on to him the moment he puts +his head in at the door. + +Yes, I know all about it--that the day has been long and dreary, that +nothing has gone right, and you have had nobody to share it; but I want +you to let the man have his dinner or his tea in peace before you relate +the tale of your woes. It will make all the difference in the world to +his reception of it. Try to remember that he has had a long day too, +that, maybe, he has been nagged and worried in the office, or the +market, or behind the counter; and that he left it with relief, hoping +for a little fireside comfort at home. Let him enjoy first, at least, +the meal you have prepared or superintended, then, when you both have +eaten, you will be in a better mood for the discussion of the little +worries which looked so big and black all day. If they have not +disappeared altogether by this time they have at least sensibly +decreased in size and number. + +Another thing I should like to impress on the young wife, and that is +the absolute necessity of being as fastidious and dainty with her +personal appearance after marriage as before. It is a poor compliment to +a man to show that you care so little for his opinion as a husband that +you can't or won't take the trouble to dress up for him. Dear girls, +contemplating the final leap, I want you to understand that you can +afford a great deal less to be careless after marriage than before; +because you have now to keep the husband you have won. Men like what is +bright and cheerful, and pleasant to behold. So far as you are concerned +see that you are never an eyesore. Even if you have your own work to do, +there is no necessity why you should be a dowdy or a slattern. Even a +cotton dress clean and daintily made can be as becoming to you as a robe +of silk and lace. + +It is a great deal more important for you to keep your husband's love +and respect than it was to win them as a lover; because now your stake +is greater--in fact, it is your all. + +To the husband I would say, "Be kind, be true, be appreciative always. +If you have to find fault do it gently. There are two ways of doing and +saying everything. Take time to choose the better, the kinder, the more +helpful and encouraging." + +Most women are quick to respond to the slightest touch of kindness, the +sunshine their more dependent natures require. See that you, having +taken this young creature from the shelter of a loving parental home, do +not starve her in an atmosphere of cold criticism and fault-finding. +Remember that she is young, inexperienced, ignorant of many things, and +that wisdom walks with years. Little things these, you say? Yes, friend, +but great and far-reaching in their issues even to the wreck or +salvation of a human soul. + +To both in the early days, "Live near to God,"--His blessing alone can +consecrate the home. So will your last days be better than your first, +and love be as sweet and soul-satisfying on the brink of the grave, at +the close of the long pilgrimage you have made together, as in the +halcyon days, "when all the world was young." + + + + +[Illustration] + +V. + +_THE IDEAL HOME._ + + +A house is not a home, although it has sometimes to pass as such. There +are imposing mansions, replete with magnificence and luxury, which if +realised would provide the outward trappings of many modest domiciles, +but which offer shelter and nothing more to their possessors. + +Home is made by those who dwell within its walls, by the atmosphere they +create; and if that spirit which makes humble things beautiful and +gracious be absent, then there can be no home in the full and true sense +of the word. + +While each member of the household contributes more or less to the +upbuilding of the fabric, it is, of course, those at the head whose +influence makes or mars. A lesser influence may be felt in a degree +great enough to modify disagreeable elements, or intensify happy ones, +but it cannot, save in very exceptional circumstances, set aside the +influence of those at the head. + +It is to them, then, that our few words under this heading must be +addressed; and, to reduce it to a still narrower basis, it is the +woman's duty and privilege, and solemn responsibility, which make this +art of home-making more interesting and important to her than any other +art in the world. Her right to study it, and to make it a glorious and +perfect thing, will never be for a moment questioned, even in this age +of fierce rivalry and keen competition for the good things of life. In +her own kingdom she may make new laws and inaugurate improvements +without let or hindrance, and as a rule she will meet with more +gratitude and appreciation than usually fall to the lot of law-givers +and law-makers. She will also find in her own domain scope for her +highest energies, and for the exercise of such originality as she may be +endowed with. I do not know of any sphere with a wider scope, but of +course it requires the open eye and the understanding heart to discern +this fact. + +It seems superfluous, after the chapters preceding this, to say again +that the very first principle to be learned in this art of home-making +must be love. Without it the other virtues act but feebly. There may be +patience, skill, tact, forbearance, but without true love the home +cannot reach its perfect state. It may well be a comfortable abode, a +place where creature comforts abound, and where there is much quiet +peace of mind; but those who dwell in such an atmosphere the hidden +sweetness of home will never touch. There will be heart-hunger and vague +discontents, which puzzle and irritate, and which only the sunshine of +love can dispel. + +Home-making, like the other arts, is with some an inborn gift,--the +secret of making others happy, of conferring blessings, of scattering +the sunny _largesse_ of love everywhere, is as natural to some as to +breathe. Such sweet souls are to be envied, as are those whose happy lot +it is to dwell with them. But, at the same time, perhaps they are not so +deserving of our admiration and respect as some who, in order to confer +happiness on others, themselves undergo what is to them mental and moral +privation, who day by day have to keep a curb on themselves in order to +crucify the "natural man." + +It is possible, even for some whom Nature has not endowed with her +loveliest gifts, to cultivate that spirit in which is hidden the whole +secret of home happiness. It is the spirit of unselfishness. No selfish +man or woman has the power to make a happy home. + +By selfish, I mean giving prominence always to the demands and interests +of self, to the detriment or exclusion of the interests and even the +rights of others. It is possible, however, for a selfish person to +possess a certain superficial gift of sunshine, which creates for the +time being a pleasant atmosphere, which can deceive those who come +casually into contact with him; but those who see him in all his moods +are not deceived. They know by experience that a peaceful and endurable +environment can only be secured and maintained by a constant pandering +to his whims and ways. He must be studied, not at an odd time, but +continuously and systematically, or woe betide the happiness of home! + +When this element is conspicuous in the woman who rules the household, +then that household deserves our pity. A selfish woman is more selfish, +if I may so put it, than a selfish man. Her tyranny is more petty and +more relentless. She exercises it in those countless trifling things +which, insignificant in themselves, yet possess the power to make life +almost insufferable. Sometimes she is fretful and complaining, on the +outlook for slights and injuries, so suspicious of those surrounding her +that they feel themselves perpetually on the brink of a volcano. Or she +is meek and martyred, bearing the buffets of a rude world and unkind +relatives with pious resignation; or self-righteous and complacent, +convinced that she and she alone knows and does the proper thing, and +requiring absolutely that all within her jurisdiction should see eye to +eye with her. + +It is no slight, insignificant domain, this kingdom of home, in which +the woman reigns. In one family there are sure to be diversities of +dispositions and contrasts of character most perplexing and difficult to +deal with. She needs so much wisdom, patience, and tact that sometimes +her heart fails her at the varied requirements she is expected to meet, +and to meet both capably and cheerfully. If she has been herself trained +in a well-ordered home, so much the better for her. She has her model to +copy, and her opportunities before her to improve upon it. + +Every home is bound to bear the impress of the individuality which +guides it. If it be a weak and colourless individuality, then so much +the worse for the home, which must be its reflex. + +This fact has, I think, something solemn in it for women, and it is +somewhat saddening that so many look upon the responsibilities that +home-making entails without the smallest consideration. Verily fools +rush in where angels fear to tread! If they think of the responsibility +at all, they comfort themselves with the delusion that it is every +woman's natural gift to keep house; but housekeeping and home-making are +two different things, though each is dependent on the other. + +This thoughtlessness, which results in much needless domestic misery, is +the less excusable because we hear and read so much about the +inestimable value of home influences, the powerful and permanent nature +of early impressions, even if we are not ourselves living examples of +the same. Let us each examine our own heart and mind, and just ask +ourselves how much we owe to the influences surrounding early life, and +how much more vivid are the lessons and impressions of childhood +compared with those of a later date. The contemplation is bound to +astonish us, and if it does not awaken in us a higher sense of +responsibility regarding those who are under the direct sway of our +influence, then there is something amiss with our ideal of life and its +purpose. + + + + +[Illustration] + +VI. + +_KEEPING THE HOUSE._ + + +Making the home and keeping the house are two different things, though +closely allied. Having considered the graces of mind and heart which so +largely contribute to the successful art of home-making, it is not less +necessary that we now devote our attention to the more practical, and +certainly not less important, quality of housekeeping. + +Ignorance of the prosaic details of housekeeping is the primary cause of +much of the domestic worry and discomfort that exist, to say nothing of +the more serious discords that may arise from such a defect in the +fitness of the woman supposed to be the home-maker. + +For such ignorance, or lack of fitness, to use a milder term, there does +not appear to me to be any excuse; it is so needless, so often wilful. + +Some blame careless, indifferent mothers, who do not seem to have +profited by their own experience, but allow their daughters to grow up +in idleness, and launch them on the sea of matrimony with a very faint +idea of what is required of them in their new sphere. + +It is very reprehensible conduct on the part of such mothers, and if in +a short time the bright sky of their daughters' happiness begins to +cloud a little, they need not wonder or feel aggrieved. A man is quite +justified in expecting and exacting a moderate degree of comfort at +least in his own house, and if it is not forthcoming may be forgiven a +complaint. He is to be pitied, but his unhappy wife much more deserves +our pity, since she finds herself amid a sea of troubles, at the mercy +of her servants, if she possesses them; and if moderate circumstances +necessitate the performance of the bulk of household duties, then her +predicament is melancholy indeed. + +To revert again to our Angelina and Edwin of the comic papers, we have +the threadbare jokes at the expense of the new husband subjected to the +ordeal of Angelina's awful cooking. At first he is forbearing and +encouraging; but in the end, when no improvement is visible, the +honeymoon begins to wane much more rapidly than either anticipated. +Edwin becomes sulky, discontented, and complaining; Angelina tearful or +indignant, as her temperament dictates, but equally and miserably +helpless. + +The chances are that time will not improve but rather aggravate her +troubles, especially if the cares of motherhood be added to those of +wifehood, which she finds quite enough for her capacities. + +True, some women have a clever knack of adapting themselves readily to +every circumstance, and pick up knowledge with amazing rapidity. If they +are by nature housewifely women, they will triumph over the faults of +their early training, and after sundry mistakes and a good deal of +unnecessary expenditure may develop into fairly competent housewives. + +But it is a dangerous and trying experiment, which ought not to be made, +because there is absolutely no need for it. It is the duty of every +mother who has daughters entrusted to her care to begin early to train +them in domestic work. That there are servants in the house need be no +obstacle in the way. There are silly domestics who resent what they call +the "meddling" of young ladies in the kitchen; but no wise woman will +allow that to trouble her, but will take care to show her young +daughters, as time and opportunity offer, every secret contained in the +domestic _repertoire_. + +One of the primary lessons to be learned in this housekeeping art is +that of method; viz.--a place for everything, and a time. It is the key +to all domestic comfort. Most of us are familiar with at least one +household where the genius of method is conspicuous by its absence; +where regularity and punctuality are unobserved, if not unknown. The +household governed by a woman without method is to be pitied. Her +husband is a stranger to the comfort of a well-ordered home; and her +children, if she has any, hang as they grow, as the Scotch say; while +her servants, having nobody to guide them, become careless and +indifferent, and so suffer injustice at her hands. + +It is such women who are loudest in complaints against servants, and who +are in a state of perpetual warfare against the class. Of course this +method must be kept within bounds, and not carried to excess, thereby +becoming an evil instead of an unmixed good. + +We are familiar with that other type of women, who make their +housekeeping an idol, at whose shrine they perpetually worship, +regardless of the comfort of those under their roof-tree. With them it +is a perpetual cleaning day, and woe betide the luckless offender who +has the misfortune to mar, if ever so slightly, the immaculate +cleanliness of that abode! He is likely to have his fault brought home +to him in no measured terms. + +The woman possessed of the cleaning mania, who goes to bed to dream of +carpet-beating and furniture polish, and who rises to carry her dreams +into execution, is quite as objectionable in her way as the woman who +never cleans, and for whom the word dirt has no horrors. Although it is +doubtless pleasant to feel assured that no microbe-producing speck can +possibly lurk in any corner of the house, and to be certain that food +and everything pertaining to it is perfect so far as cleanliness is +concerned, there is a sense of insecurity and unrest in the abode of +the over-particular woman which often develops into positive misery and +discomfort. It is the sort of discomfort specially distasteful to the +male portion of mankind. Although they may be compelled to admit, when +brought to bay, that "cleaning" is a necessary evil, it requires a +superhuman amount of persuasion to make them see any good in it. The way +women revel, or appear to revel, in the chaos of a house turned +topsy-turvy is to them the darkest of all mysteries. It is long since +they were compelled to treat it as a conundrum, and give it up. + +I think, however, that, with few exceptions, women dislike the +periodical household earthquake quite as much as men, and dread its +approach. The housekeeper who considers the comfort of those about her +will do her utmost to rob it of its horrors. This can be done by a +judicious planning, and by resort to the method of which we spoke in the +last chapter. + +Let "One room at a time" be her motto, and then the inmates of the house +will not be made to feel that they are quite in the way, and have no +abiding-place on the face of the earth. + +This may involve a little more work, and a great deal of patience; but +she will have her reward in the grateful appreciation of those for whom +she makes home such a happy and restful place. + + + + +[Illustration] + +VII. + +_THE TRUEST ECONOMY._ + + +In these days many new phrases have been coined to give expression and +significance to old truths; thus we hear of the "sin of cheapness," the +fault attributed to those shortsighted bargain-hunters who waste time +and energy and money hunting the length and breadth of the land for the +cheapest market. The true and competent housekeeper knows that there is +no economy in this method of marketing, but the reverse. + +Of course, where the family is large and the resources limited, it is +absolutely incumbent on the purveyor to seek the most moderate market; +and those of us who dwell in cities know that prices vary with +localities, and that West-enders must pay a West-end price. But it is +reprehensible always to hunt for cheap things simply because they are +cheap, because we ought not to forget that this very cheapness has +caused suffering, or at least deprivation, somewhere, since it would +appear that some things are absolutely offered at prices under the cost +of production. + +In the matter of food, so important a factor in the health and +well-being of the family, it can seldom be a saving to buy in the cheap +market, because cheapness there is too often a synonymous term with +unwholesomeness; and a small quantity of the very best will undoubtedly +afford more sustenance than an unlimited supply of inferior quality. In +small and working-class homes the tea and tinned-food grievance is an +old one, but one which does not appear to be in the way of mending. + +If the wives and mothers of the working-class could only have it +demonstrated to them, beyond all question, that a small piece of +excellent fresh beef, made into a wholesome soup flavoured with +vegetables, would give three times the nourishment of this tinned stuff, +which, good enough as an occasional stand-by, has become the curse and +the tyrant of the lazy and thriftless housewife, what a step in the +right direction that would be! The mere salting and preserving process +destroys the most valuable nutritive elements of the meat; and though it +may be tasty and palatable, it is practically useless as a +strength-producer or strength-imparter. + +Milk, too, we fear has not its proper place in very many homes where +children abound; though no mother of even ordinary intelligence can shut +her eyes to the fact that it is Nature's own food for her children in +their early years, when it is so important to build up the elements of a +strong constitution. I would here put in a plea for oatmeal, in former +days the backbone of my country's food, and which has of late years +fallen sadly into disuse, especially in quarters where its very +cheapness and absolute wholesomeness recommend it as _the_ food _par +excellence_ for old and young. We have replaced it with tea and toast, +to the great detriment of limb and muscle and digestive power. It is in +the palace now we find oatmeal accorded its rightful place, not in the +cottage; and the change is to be deplored. + +Regularity in meals is another thing the wise housekeeper will insist +upon in her abode. Regularity and punctuality, how delightful they are, +and how they ease the roll of the domestic wheels! A punctual and tidy +woman makes a punctual and tidy home. We know the type who dawdles away +the forenoon in idle talk or listless indolence, and rushes to prepare a +hasty and only half-cooked meal when perhaps her husband or children are +on their way home from school or workshop; and this is a very fruitful +cause of domestic dispeace, and at the root even of much of the +intemperance which has ruined so many homes. If a man has no comfort at +his own fireside, then he is compelled in self-defence to seek it +elsewhere. + +To recur to the question of buying in cheap markets, the principle that +what is good and costs something to begin with will inevitably prove the +cheapest in the end is even more clearly demonstrated in the matter of +clothing than of food. The best will always wear and look the best, even +when it has grown threadbare. Then when we hear so constantly of the +appalling misery endured by men and women who make the garments sold in +the cheap shops, we are bound to feel that these things are offered at a +price which is the cost of flesh and blood. This is a very pressing +question, and one which many Christian people do not lay to heart. There +appears to be in every human breast the instinct of the bargain-hunter, +and there is a placid satisfaction in having got something at an +exceptionally low price which charms the finer sensibilities. + +To gratify this peculiar and morbid craving, witness the system of +buying and selling which prevails in Italy; the shopkeepers there, with +few exceptions, invariably asking double the money they are willing to +accept. And to this craving in our own country is due the system of all +cheap sales in the shops, and mock auctions in the sale-rooms, in which +many a shortsighted person of both sexes fritter away both time and +money. It is a rotten system, and shows that there is great need for +reform in this matter of buying and selling, which occupies so much of +our time, means, and thought. + +All good housekeepers know that those who buy in the ready-money market +fare best; and besides, the paying out of ready-money is undoubtedly a +check on expenditure, and is to be specially recommended to people of +small means. It is easy and tempting to give an order, and though it can +no doubt be paid for sooner or later, somehow the sum always seems to +assume larger proportions as time goes on. We very seldom get in a bill +for a less amount than we expect. My own view of the case is, that I +grudge to pay for food after it is eaten, or clothes after they are +worn; and in my own housekeeping I have found ready-money, or, at the +outside, weekly accounts, the best arrangement, to which I adhere +without any exceptions. Short accounts, also, give one another +advantage, the choice of all markets. Thus the money is laid out to the +best possible advantage, and the highest value obtained. + +All thrifty and far-seeing housekeepers know that it is cheaper to buy +certain household stores, as sugar, butter, flour, soap, etc., in +quantities, provided there is a suitable storeroom where the things +will be kept in good condition. There are indeed innumerable methods +whereby the good housewife can save her coppers and her shillings, and a +wise woman is she who takes advantage of them to the utmost. + +This art of housekeeping is not learned in a day; those of us who have +been engaged in it for years are constantly finding out how little we +know, and how far we are, after all, from perfection. + +It requires a clever woman to keep house; and as I said before there is +ample scope, even within the four walls of a house (a sphere which some +affect to despise), for the exercise of originality, organising power, +administrative ability. And to the majority of women I would fain +believe it is the most interesting and satisfactory of all feminine +occupations. + + + + +[Illustration] + +VIII. + +_ON KEEPING UP APPEARANCES._ + + +In these very words lurks a danger likely to beset our young couple, on +the very threshold of their career. + +All eyes are upon them, of course; their house and all it contains, +their way of life, the position they take up and maintain, are, for the +time being, topics of intense concern to all who know them, and to many +who do not. There is no doubt that we need to go back in some degree to +the simpler way of life in vogue in the days of our grandmothers; that +pretentiousness and extravagance have reached a point which is almost +unendurable. We are constantly being informed by statistics which cannot +be questioned that the marriage rate is decreasing; and we know that in +our own circles the number of marriageable girls and marriageable youths +who for some inexplicable reason _don't_ marry is very great. + +What _is_ the reason? Is the age of romance over? is it impossible any +longer to conjure with the words love and marriage in the garden of +youth? or is it that our young people are less brave and enduring, that +they shrink from the added responsibility, care, and self-denial +involved in the double life? My own view is that this pretentiousness +and desire for display is at the bottom of it; that young people want to +begin where their fathers and mothers left off, and that courage is +lacking to take a step down and begin together on the lowest rung of the +ladder. + +I have heard many young men say that they are afraid to ask girls to +leave the luxury and comfort of their father's house, and to enter a +plainer home, where they will have less luxury and more care; and +though I grant that there are many girls who would shrink from the +ordeal, and who prefer the indolent ease of single blessedness to the +cares of matrimony on limited means, yet have I been tempted sometimes, +looking at these young men, to wonder in my soul whether it was not +_they_ who shrank from the plain home and the increased responsibility +marriage involves. The salary sufficient for the comfort and mild luxury +of one is scarcely elastic enough for two. + +It would mean giving up a good many things; it would mean fewer cigars, +fewer new suits, fewer first nights at the theatre,--in fact, a general +modification of luxuries which he has begun to regard as indispensable; +and he asks himself, Is the game worth the candle? His answer is, No. +And so he drifts out of young manhood into bachelor middle age, passing +unscathed through many flirtations, becoming encrusted with selfish +ideas and selfish aims, and gradually less fit for domestic life. And +all the time, while he imagines he has a fine time of it, he has missed +the chief joy, the highest meaning of life. + +The conditions of modern life are certainly harder than they were. +Competition in every profession and calling is so enormous that +remuneration has necessarily fallen; and it is a problem to many how +single life is to be respectably maintained, let alone double. Then the +invasions of women into almost every domain of man's work is somewhat +serious in its consequences to men. A woman can be got to do a certain +thing as quickly, correctly, and efficiently as a man; therefore the man +goes to the wall. While we are glad to see the position of woman +improve, and the value of her labour in the markets of the world +increase, we are perplexed as to the effect of this better condition of +things on the position of men. The situation is full of perplexities, +strained to the utmost. + +There is no doubt whatever that this improvement in the position of +woman, the increased opportunities afforded her of making a respectable +livelihood, has had, and is having, its serious effect in the marriage +market. A single woman in a good situation, the duties of which she has +strength of body and strength of mind to perform, is a very independent +being, and in contrast with many of her married sisters a person to be +envied. She has her hours, for one thing; there is no prospect of an +eight hours' day for the married woman with a family to superintend. +Then she, having earned her own money, can spend it as she likes--and +has to give account of it only to herself; and she is free from the +physical trials and disabilities consequent upon marriage and maternity. +If you tell her that the sweet fulness of married life, its multiplied +joys, amply compensate for the troubles, she will shake her head and +want proof. + +Altogether, the outlook matrimonial is not very bright. Now, while we +deplore, as a serious evil, hasty, improvident, ill-considered +marriages, and hold that their consequences are very sad, we would also, +scarcely less seriously, deplore that over-cautiousness which is +reducing the marriage rate in quarters where it ought not to be +reduced,--our lower middle-class, which is the backbone of society. +There is no fear of a serious reduction in other quarters: where there +is no responsibility felt, there is none to shirk; and so, among the +very poor, children are multiplied, and obligations increased, without +any thought for the morrow, or concern for future provision. There is a +very supreme kind of selfishness in this over-cautiousness which is not +delightful to contemplate, the fear lest self should be inconvenienced +or deprived in the very slightest degree; and all this does not tend to +the highest development of human nature, but rather the reverse, since +the spirit of self-denial and self-sacrifice is one of the loveliest +attributes of human character. + +That it is possible for two people to live together almost as cheaply as +one, and, if the wife be careful, thrifty, and managing, with a great +deal more comfort, is hardly disputed; and surely love is yet strong +enough to take its chance of falling on evil days, and when they come of +making the best of them. Our girls must exhibit less frivolity, less +devotion to dress and idle amusements, if they wish for homes of their +own; because at present it is partly true that men are afraid to take +the risk and responsibility of them as partners in life. + +And this brings us back to the heading of our chapter, the subject of +keeping up appearances. This fearful rivalry to make the greatest show +on inadequate means, to outshine our neighbours in house and dress and +everything else, is really a tremendous evil, the scourge of many +middle-class families. And what, after all, is its aim or outcome; what +its rewards? + +To begin with, it is a pandering, pure and simple, to the baser part of +human nature--the desire to out-rival your neighbour, to be able to soar +over him at any price; and more, it is both hypocritical and immoral. +Hypocritical, because it is pure pretence to a station which has no +means to support it; and immoral, because you cannot afford to pay for +it, and thereby suffering is entailed somewhere and somehow. How many of +us number among our acquaintances (if not absolutely guilty ourselves), +persons who, possessed of a small and limited income, live in a large +house, the rent of which is a kind of sword of Damocles hanging over +them for ever? + +You know them by their hunted, eager, restless look, which tells of +inward dispeace, of worry too great almost to be borne. Their servants +do not stay long, perhaps because the larder of the big house is kept +very bare, and comfort is sacrificed to outside show. They never have +anything to give away, and their excuse is that they do not believe in +indiscriminate charity. And they look back with a painful longing, never +expressed, however, to the days when they lived at peace in a little +house, and had enough and to spare for man and beast, and a penny for +the beggar at the gate. The big house is but one thing; the struggle to +keep up appearances is observed in many other ways--in expensive and not +always efficient education of the children, in party-giving, extravagant +dress, frequent going out of town, and many others too numerous to +mention. And what, after all, is the advantage of it? Is there any +advantage gained? You may succeed in exciting in the breast of your +neighbour a bitter envy which will probably find expression in some such +remark as this--"I only hope it is all paid for." + +And you never will have any peace of mind, without which the outward +trappings are but a mockery. + +Oh, let us be simpler! Let us at least not pretend to be what we are +not. In a word, let us not try to humbug ourselves and the world at +large. + + + + +[Illustration] + +IX. + +_MOTHERHOOD._ + + +It is a great theme, which I approach with fear and trembling; yet--is +the home complete without the child? Can even an unpretentious book of +this sort be written without some attempted treatment of the same? + +The first year of married life is often very full, as well as specially +trying, a record of new and very crucial experiences such as are bound +to prove the grit of our young housekeeper. She has many things to learn +in her new sphere, both in the department of ethics as well as of +housekeeping. She has a husband to study, for even though they have seen +a great deal of each other before marriage, there yet remains much to +learn of many little peculiarities before undreamed of, which in the +full glare and test of daily life sometimes stand out with a certain +unpleasant prominence, which both find trying. There are new tastes to +discover and consider, new likes and dislikes to be studied--in a word, +the situation is a severe ordeal, especially if our young wife be very +young and inexperienced. Of course she has an adoring and approving love +to aid her, and all her efforts to please will be appreciated at their +full value, and perhaps a little over, and that is much. + +If in addition to all the trying amenities of her new position there be +added early in her married life the prospect of motherhood, with its +attendant cares, anxieties, and fears, then our young housekeeper may be +granted to have hand and heart full. That it is a prospect full of joy +and satisfaction, the realisation of a sweet and secret hope, nobody +will deny. There are a few women, we are told, who do not desire +motherhood, preferring the greater freedom and ease of childless +wifehood; but it is not of such we seek to write, because the vast +majority agree with me that motherhood is the crown of marriage, as well +as the sweetest of all bonds between husband and wife. + +It is the great, almost awful, responsibility of this bond which makes +thinking people deplore the prevalence of early and improvident marriage +between persons who seem to lack entirely this sense of responsibility, +and who undertake the most solemn duties in the same flippant mood as +they go out on a day's enjoyment. The idea that they have in their power +the making and marring of a human soul, to say nothing of the influences +which in fulness of time must go forth from that same soul, does not +trouble them, or indeed exist for them at all. They have no ideas--they +never think. If the child comes, good and well--it has to be provided +for; welcome or unwelcome it arrives; and is tolerated or rejoiced over +as the case may be. + +We need a great deal of educating on this particular point, and the fact +that a child may have rights before it is born is one which presses home +to the heart of every man and woman who may give the matter any serious +attention whatsoever. + +If we marry, then as surely do we undertake the possible obligations of +parentage; and if we do not see that we are fit physically, mentally, +and morally for this undoubtedly greatest of all human obligations, then +are we blameworthy, and answerable to God and man for our shortcomings. + +Heroism is a word to stir the highest enthusiasm in every heart, and we +Britons are not supposed to lack in that glorious quality. While not +despising nor making light of that heroism which shows an unflinching +front on the battlefield, or in the face of any danger, and while +recognising also and glorying in that other heroism of which the world +hears less, but which is nevertheless very rich and far-reaching in +results--I mean that brave heart which does not sink under adverse +circumstances, which makes the best of everything, which can do, dare, +and suffer for others, without notice or applause--there is yet another +phase of heroism of which the world knows not at all, but which in my +estimation is as great, if not greater, than any of these. It is a +delicate theme, and yet in such a book as this are we not justified in +touching upon it, reverently and tenderly as it deserves? There are +some--more, I believe, than we dream of--who, being afflicted physically +or mentally, and who, fearing some hereditary moral taint for which they +have to suffer, though entirely blameless, deliberately abstain from +marriage for the highest of all reasons--that they fear to perpetuate in +their own children the weaknesses which are already so stupendous a +curse to mankind. Oh that such examples could be multiplied, and that we +were once thoroughly awakened to the solemn significance of the fact +that the sins of the fathers are visited on the children! + +But when we look around we see the innocent made to suffer daily for the +guilty; we see children whose lives even in infancy are but a burden to +them, and whose later life can only be a cross, and we pray for a great +baptism of light on this painful subject, for a great awakening to that +personal, individual responsibility which is the only solution of a +difficulty which concerns the future and the highest interest of the +race. + +To return to the question of rights as affecting the unborn babe: the +mother has then so much in her power that she can not only determine to +a great extent what kind of infancy the child shall have, but also +whether her own duties therein shall be heavy or light. By attending +strictly to her own health, adhering to natural laws, living simply and +wholesomely, she can almost ensure the bodily health of the child; and +by keeping her mind calm and even, avoiding worry, and cultivating +cheerfulness and contentment, she thus moulds the disposition of the +child to a far greater extent than she dreams of. The woman who lives in +a condition of perpetual nervous excitement and worry before the birth +of her child, who is fretful, complaining, impatient of the discomfort +of her condition, need not be much surprised if her baby be fretful and +difficult to rear. Of course this is all very easy to write down, and +most difficult--in many cases of physical and nervous prostration +impossible--to bear in mind; nevertheless, it is worth the trial, worth +the self-denial involved, even looking at it from the most selfish +standpoint, one's own ultimate comfort and ease. The gain to the child +is too great to be estimated. + +And surely taking into consideration the enormous number of miserable, +weakly babies who have never had a chance, the day of whose birth, like +Job's, is sadder than the day of their death, it is not too much to ask +from thoughtful Christian women, who at heart feel their responsibility +and their high privilege, that nothing shall be lacking on their part to +make the child given to them by God a moral, mental, and physical +success. We are careful in all other departments of life to try and +obtain the best--why not here? Is human life less precious, human souls +of less account, than merchandise? + +I do not see why mothers should not seek to impress upon their +daughters, and fathers upon their sons, as they approach maturity, the +solemnity and sacredness of such themes, which involve all that is most +important in human life. I consider that the ignorance with which so +many young girls are allowed to enter matrimony is nothing short of +criminal; and I do not myself see that a plain, straight, loving talk +from her mother beforehand, which will prepare her for her new +obligations and make them less a surprise and a trial when they come, +can possibly take the edge off that exquisite and delicate purity which +we would wish to be our daughters' outstanding characteristic, and which +every right-thinking man desires in his wife. There are many who do not +share this opinion, and hold that the wall of reserve should never be +broken. But the issues are great, and I cannot but think that in this +case ignorance is more likely to be fruitful of anxiety and foreboding, +to say nothing of mistakes, than is a little knowledge wisely imparted +by those whom experience has taught. + + + + +[Illustration] + +X. + +_THE SON IN THE HOME._ + + +The son is peculiarly the mother's child, and the bond between them, +seen at its best, is one of the loveliest, and, to the woman who has +suffered for her firstborn, one of the most soul-satisfying on earth. I +suppose most women given choice would wish their firstborn to be a son; +and her pride in the boy as he grows in grace and strength and manliness +is a very exquisite thing in the mother. + +As a rule, a boy is more difficult to rear. He has more strength of limb +and will, and shows earlier, perhaps, the desire to be master of the +whole situation, as very often he is. It is amazing at how early an age +a child can begin to discern between the firm will and the weak will of +those who guide him, and to profit thereby; and she is a wise woman who +begins as she means to end, and who teaches her child that her decision +is absolute from the earliest stage. The moment he begins to understand +that though you say no a yell will probably convert it into a yes, your +occupation is gone, so to speak--you have lost your hold, and Baby is +master of the situation and of you. + +There is no doubt, I think, that the woman who has a nurse to relieve +her of the child has a better chance than the one who has to fight the +battle single-handed--for this reason, that extreme weariness of body, +which nothing brings about more quickly than the perpetual care of a +baby, is apt to weaken the will; the desire for peace at any price +becomes too great to be resisted, and so the citadel is lost. It is +impossible also for the ordinary woman, who has the care of a baby all +day long, in addition to a multitude of other duties, not to become +nervous, irritable, and excitable, and the probability is that the child +becomes a reflex of herself. I know of no more self-denying and +harassing life than that of the mother of many children, whose limited +means prohibit much assistance in her labours. It would require the +strength of a Hercules and the patience of a Job. Yet how many go on +from day to day with an uncomplaining and heroic cheerfulness which does +not strike the onlooker, simply because it is so common, like the +toothache, that it attracts but little sympathy or attention. + +In one day such a mother may win moral victories beside which the +brilliant engagements of the battlefield would pale. It is not one that +she has to consider and contend with, but many; the diversity of +disposition in one family is truly amazing, and affords a most +interesting psychological study. If she be a thoughtful and +conscientious woman she knows that she is sowing the seeds of future +good and ill, that early impressions are never erased, and that her own +influence is the one which will leave the strongest, the most indelible +mark on the future of the little ones she has under her wing. To this +there is no exception whatever; it is a fact nobody attempts to dispute. +Who shall say, then--who shall dare to say--that a woman's work is +slight, her sphere narrow, her influence feeble? Have we not yet with us +the proverb, "She who rocks the cradle rules the world"? as true to-day +as it was a hundred years ago, as it will be in a hundred years to come. + +But though the anxieties and responsibilities of the nursery are great, +they increase, especially in the case of some, as the years go by; +though as the boy grows older his mother may be somewhat relieved by the +wise guidance of the father. There comes a time when the lad wants to +emancipate himself from his mother's jurisdiction, and begins to look to +his father, seeing in him the image of what he may yet become. He will +not love his mother any less, but he will be impatient a little, +perhaps, of her careful supervision; he wants to be a man, to imitate +his father, to show that he is a being of another order. It is always +amusing to look on at this subtle and inevitable change, but sometimes +touching as well. It is the strong soul seeking his heritage, the first +stirring of manhood in the boy, who will never be other than a bairn to +his mother. Happy then the mother, blessed the boy, who has a good, +wise, and tender father to take him by the hand, and show him at this +critical stage the beauty of a noble, pure, and honest manhood, and how +great is its power to bless the world. + +There are some men who never grow old, who, while doing a man's part +better than most in the world, keep the child-heart pure within them. +Happy are the children who call them father! The ideal father (since we +are writing of what we all know to be the highest in home relationship, +we may call him so) will be a boy in the midst of his boys all his days; +he will share the pastimes, the interests, the absorbing occupations of +his boys, in the schoolroom and the recreation-ground, just as he did +not disdain to join sometimes in the frolic of the nursery. He will +understand cricket and football, and hounds and hares, and know all the +little points of schoolboy honour, so that he may at once grasp the +situation when his lad brings his grievance or his tale of victory to +him. And through it all, without preaching, which the soul of the +average boy abhors, he will seek to inculcate the highest moral lessons, +thus accentuating and deepening the teaching of the nursery still fresh +in the boy's mind. + +This is the ideal which we would wish to see in every home, but the real +is rather different, and sometimes perplexing to deal with. We have seen +homes where the boys do not "get on" with their father, who seem to rub +each other the wrong way, and to have no sort of kinship with each +other--in a word, who are not chums, which is a boy's definition of the +jolliest possible relationship, and which is very beautiful existing +between father and son. But there are fathers who have no patience with +the boy who, feeling in him the promptings of a larger life, begins to +give himself little airs, and to adopt a manly and masterful manner; no +sympathy with his desire for freedom; and who, instead of wisely guiding +all these accompaniments of young manhood into fresh and legitimate +channels, seeks to curb them, to restrain every impulse, and to enforce +an authority the boy does not understand, and inwardly, if not +outwardly, kicks against. + +I know many mothers who have difficulty in pouring oil on such troubled +waters, and who see that the father and the boy do not understand each +other, and cannot get on--and she is powerless to help. Out of this +strained relationship many evils may arise. The young heart, bounding +with a thousand buoyant impulses, eager to see life and taste its every +cup, deprived of sympathy and outlet, and thrown back upon itself, +becomes reserved, self-contained, and morbid. Then, again, there is +a temptation to concealment, and even to prevarication, over mere +trifles. When censure is feared--and the young heart is fearfully +sensitive--little fibs are told to escape it, and so a great moral wrong +is inflicted, which can undoubtedly be laid at the unsympathetic +parent's door. + +The mother, by reason of her gentler nature (to which, of course, there +are the usual exceptions), is not so feared, and is made the go-between. + +"Mother, will _you_ ask father for so-and-so?" is an everyday question +in many homes; and why should it be? Why should sympathy and confidence +be less full and sweet between father and son than between mother and +son? Nay, rather, it might be fuller, since the father, being of the +same sex, can the better understand the boy nature, making allowance for +its failings, which were also his, if, indeed, they are not in an +aggravated form still characteristic of him. Some men forget that they +have ever been young; looking at them and witnessing their conduct in +certain circumstances, one finds it difficult to believe that they ever +_were_ young. They have been fossils from their birth. That is the grand +mistake--to fix such a great gulf betwixt youth and maturity that +nothing can bridge it. It is more love, more sympathy we want; it is the +dearth of it that is the curse of the world. Yet how dare we, being +responsible for the advent of the child into the world, deny him his +heritage, starve his heart of its right to our affection and regard? The +Lord sent him? Well, He did undoubtedly, and His commands with the gift. +There is no hesitation or ambiguity about the Lord's mandate regarding +little children. + +In homes where this lovely sympathy exists, anxiety regarding the moral +welfare of the boy is reduced to a minimum. Where the youth can come to +his mother, and still better to his father, in every dilemma, sure of +advice and aid, he will not go very far wrong. The world is full of +pitfalls, and it is sure nothing short of the grace of God can keep +young manhood in the right way; but very certain am I that parents have +much, ay, more than they dream of in their power. + +Let them at least see to it that they do not fall short. Let the boy +feel that the home is his, that his friends are welcome to it, and that +he need not go out always to seek liberty and enjoyment. In one word, +let him have room to breathe and to live, and the chances are that he +will repay you by becoming all you could desire even in your fondest +dreams. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XI. + +_THE DAUGHTER IN THE HOME._ + + +The home is incomplete without the daughter, the sweet little baby who +from the first entwined herself about her parents' hearts; and who, as +she grows in beauty, is a source of constant joy and pride, not quite +untouched by anxiety. For when we have educated our sons and done for +them all we possibly can, they can, as a rule, stand on their own sturdy +legs, and take their own place in the world, we looking on with pride if +they adorn it well--with sadness if they fall short. We do not love them +less, but they sooner place themselves beyond our jurisdiction, and +responsibility concerning them is sooner at an end. With the daughters +it is different. As the old rhyme says-- + + + "A son is a son till he gets him a wife, + A daughter's a daughter to the end of her life," + + +words which just express the whole situation. Even after she marries our +anxiety and loving concern for her in her new sphere quite equals the +old; her little children, reminding us of what she was once to us, are +dear to us in a way our son's children can never be. It seems a strange +anomaly, yet will most mothers bear me out in what I say. + +A home where there are many boys and no girls is a jolly, healthy, happy +household enough, but it lacks something, a gentler element, which the +boys miss keenly, though they may not even be conscious of it. It is a +great misfortune for boys to have no sisters, because in the family +circle, where they grow up side by side, they acquire a knowledge of +girl-nature which is invaluable to them when they begin to take an +interest in that interesting personage, "another fellow's sister." And +_vice versa_--girls brought up in a brotherless home have no opportunity +of studying boy-nature, and are apt to take a very prim, narrow view of +the same. The ideal family is the one judiciously mixed, where boys and +girls rub shoulders and carry on their little campaigns, entering into +each other's pursuits and being chums all round. It is good for both. + +As I said before, girls, even in infancy, are more easily managed and +reared than boys, the usual exceptions being allowed; and the same may +be said of them as they grow older. They are more docile, more amenable +to control, and their animal spirits, dependent on bodily organisation, +are not usually so obstreperous. It is astonishing how soon a little +girl becomes a companionable creature; she develops at a much earlier +age than her brothers. Of course there are great differences. We have +the tomboy, never still, more interested in her brothers' pranks than +in the sober frolics of girls--dolls have no charm for her; yet the +curious thing is that the tomboy has been known to develop into the +extraordinarily successful wife and mother, her very energies of mind +and body, when mellowed by experience, proving invaluable to her in her +new sphere. + +I have often thought that an interesting article might be written on the +place and power of dolls in the early life of women; it is such an +interesting study to watch the different grades of interest taken in +them by different children. To some they are real flesh and blood, +treated as such, fondled over and considered quite as much as any living +baby, invested with aches and pains, tempers and troubles, and subjected +to a regular system of reward and punishment; while to others they are +mere toys, which serve only to beguile the tedium of a rainy day. Then +there are the few who regard them as mere objects for scorn and hatred; +and when they do not ignore them, maltreat them mercilessly. + +The small girl who hates dolls, and dubs them as stupid things, is apt +to be a little troublesome to amuse, though it is also quite possible +that she may possess a very original mind, which strikes out a new path +even in amusement for itself. + +Some little boys who afterwards became good and noble men have not +disdained dolls as a baby amusement, and you generally find that the +small boy who takes a kind interest in his sister's dolls, and who does +not spend his leisure in concocting schemes for their torture and +dismemberment, has the fatherly instinct very strongly developed, and +will in his own home be tenderly devoted to his children. + +Boys ought to be taught early the beauty of little kindly attentions and +thoughtfulness for others. On no account ought their sisters to be +allowed to fetch and carry for them. There may be a system of mutual +obligation if you like, but boys of a certain age are apt to become very +arbitrary, and to consider their sisters in the light of body servants. +By allowing boys to order their sisters about, to bring them things and +give in always, you foster a spirit of selfishness, which grows +tyrannical as the years go by, and paves the way for some domestic +discomfort in a future home which will be beyond your jurisdiction. + +They tell us the age of chivalry is dead; and really manners do not seem +to be as they were. The changed order of things concerning women, who +are no longer cooped up within the four walls of a house, and told that +that is their sphere spelled with a very big S, but who are pushing +their way steadily to the front in every walk of life, no doubt partly +accounts for this; still the lapse of that old-fashioned and gracious +courtesy of men to women is to be deplored, and I cannot but think that +we who have raw material to work upon in the nursery might do something +to restore it. We cannot afford to lose any of the graces of life. +Heaven knows things are reduced to a prosaic enough level with us in +these days, when the fret and fever seem to leave time for nothing but +the barest realities. + +As we have already admitted that early impressions and early training +never quite lose their hold, so if we teach our boys to be gracious, +courteous, considerate always to their sisters because they are little +women, some women of a later date will be grateful to us. + +The very advanced of our sex have been known to disclaim any desire for +such consideration; they want none from the opposite sex, but only room +to fight the battle side by side; but we who do not wish to see life +robbed of all its grace and courtliness would respectfully insist that +this reserve should not be entirely dispensed with. We still like a man +to take off his hat to us in the street, instead of jerking his head on +one side; we have no objection to the inside of the pavement or the most +comfortable seat in carriage or tram, for which we have still a word of +appreciative thanks left, though we may thereby show how far we are left +behind in the race. I wish to make myself very clear. We do not want our +girls to be namby-pamby, selfish, silly creatures, who imagine it is +interesting and fascinating to pose as weak, dependent, fluttering +creatures; but neither do we want our sons to be boors, and it is in the +home where manners as well as morals are formed. So let us not despise +the little courtesies which do so much to sweeten daily intercourse, but +teach them to the children from the beginning, so that to be chivalrous, +courteous, gentle to rich and poor, gentle and simple of both sexes, +will become as natural for them as to breathe. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XII. + +_THE EDUCATION OF OUR DAUGHTERS._ + + +Even a very young daughter can be of use to her mother, and her +influence felt in the house, if she is taught how. Of course, the first +concern, when our little maid gets out of the nursery, is that she +should be educated, and her mental powers have the best possible chance +of being brought to their full power. + +The education of our girls is one of the great questions of the +day--engrossing the interest of those in the highest places; and a +healthy sign of the times it is. For since it is upon the women of +to-day that the future of the race depends, what could be of greater +importance than that all her powers, physical, mental, and moral, +should be brought as near perfection as possible? + +Do I of a set purpose mention the physical first? Yes; because the older +I grow the more it comes home to me that unless we have sound and +healthy bodies we can but poorly serve our day and generation. Therefore +the food the children eat should be one of our chief studies and +concerns; because if we can send them out into the world with +constitutions built upon a sure and common-sense foundation, it is the +best possible service we can render them; and one for which they and +theirs will be grateful always. + +This question of education is rather a perplexing one, which gives +parents a great deal of anxious thought. The present system is +undoubtedly a great improvement upon any we have had heretofore, and yet +it seems to leave something to be desired. In the board schools, where +the bulk of the lower middle-class children are educated, and where +tuition is very excellent and thorough, there is yet this +drawback,--all are sought to be raised to one dead level, the passing of +so many standards being imperative, nor any consideration given to +individual capacity or fitness. The inevitable result of this is that +the teacher is bound to concentrate his attention on the dull pupils, in +order to get them dragged up to the required standard, the bright ones +being left pretty much to their own devices. However much he may deplore +this, he cannot help himself, since it is upon his percentage of passes +that his status as a teacher, to say nothing of his salary, depends. +Therefore in some respects the old system of parochial teaching had its +advantage over the new. + +But it is very specially of the education of the girls we wish to speak, +and it is gratifying to observe that many parents are awaking to the +absurdity of insisting that their daughters shall acquire a superficial +knowledge of certain accomplishments, whatever the bent of their minds. +How much money, to say nothing of precious time, has been sacrificed in +the vain pursuit of music, that sweetest of the arts; which is so often +desecrated and tortured by unwilling and unsympathetic votaries. It very +soon becomes evident whether the child has an aptitude for music or not; +and if she has not, but finds the study of it an imposition and a trial, +what is the use of forcing her to such unwilling drudgery, when very +likely she possesses some other aptitude, the cultivation of which will +be both profitable and pleasant? How many girls upon whom pounds and +pounds have been spent never touch the piano when they are emancipated +from schoolroom control; and how much more usefully could both time and +money have been employed in the pursuit of something else! + +Mothers are beginning to see this, and it is a welcome awakening. So +long as our young maiden is occupied with school and lessons, she has +not time to learn much else, since it is imperative that she has +recreation likewise; it is when she leaves school that the wise mother, +having an eye to the future, will at once seek to initiate her into the +mysteries of housekeeping. True, she may never have a home of her own; +she may be one of those called to labour, perhaps, in the very forefront +of the working women outside; but all the same she ought not to be +ignorant of what used to be considered the chief, if not the only +occupation for women,--she ought to be fit to keep house on the shortest +notice. It is a woman's heritage. Whatever she may or may not know, I +hold that she ought to acquire a certain amount of domestic knowledge, +whether she uses it or not. Most young girls are interested in domestic +affairs, and are never happier than when allowed to have their finger in +the domestic pie; but in this as in other things a thorough grounding is +the most satisfactory. + +It is astonishing what undreamed-of qualities a sense of responsibility +awakens in a young soul; how the very idea that something depends on +her, that she is being trusted, puts our little maid upon her mettle. +Therefore it is a good plan to leave to a young daughter some particular +duty or duties for which she is entirely responsible. + +This may of course be a very slight thing to begin with--the dusting of +a room, or the arrangement of flowers or books, or the superintendence +of the tea-table; but whatever it is, the mother should insist that it +be done regularly and at the appointed time. Thus will she teach her +child punctuality and a primary lesson in a method, which is the key to +all perfect housekeeping. Of course it is a little trouble to the mother +to superintend the performance of such little duties, but she will have +her reward in the daily increasing helpfulness of the daughter in the +home. + +Most young girls, if skilfully dealt with, speedily learn to take a +special pride in their own little duties, especially if their efforts be +met with appreciation. Never snub a child; the young heart is very +sensitive, and takes a long time to forget. Little changes in the +domestic routine will be introduced by the wise mother, in order that +the work may not become irksome. + +Where there are several daughters, it is a good plan for them to +exchange their particular duties for a time. Thus, one may assist with +the cooking for a week, then change with her sister who has the care and +arrangement of the drawing-room or sitting-room, or with the one who +helps with the mending. So the daily round would never become +monotonous, and by gradual and pleasant degrees a knowledge of the whole +system of housekeeping is acquired, which will be simply invaluable to +her, whatever her future may be. If the family circumstances demand that +she shall go out into the world to earn her living by teaching or +typewriting or shopkeeping, the wise mother will not for this reason +relax her desire and effort to teach her the art and mystery of +housekeeping. True, while she is occupied outside she has little +opportunity to learn it, but "where there's a will there's a way"; and +though it may not appear at present of much practical value to her, yet +she may marry, or have to go to single housekeeping, when the home is no +longer open to her. I again insist that it is every woman's duty to +know, or to acquire some practical knowledge of housekeeping, so that +she may be ready for any emergency. Her fitness for it will be a +perpetual source of satisfaction to her, for there is nothing more +self-satisfying than to feel that one is capable; it gives confidence, +strength, and self-reliance. + +One of the very necessary lessons to be taught a young girl is the value +of money. The sooner she learns what equivalent in household necessaries +money can procure the better. The day may come when the tired mother +will be glad to be relieved even of the responsibility of spending, and +when, thanks to her own wisdom and foresight, she can place the family +purse in younger hands, knowing that the contents will not be recklessly +or extravagantly spent. Let our young maiden feel that she is entirely +trusted, and that a great deal is expected of her, then will she display +qualities undreamed-of. She will be eager to show what she can do; and +when the word of encouragement and appreciation is not lacking she will +be proud and happy indeed. Of course there are perverse natures, of whom +one is tempted at times to despair--irresponsible young persons who +would make wild havoc in any establishment left to their care; but I am +speaking of the average young girl, who may be expected to be +thoughtless and forgetful often, as is the way of youth, but who +nevertheless has the makings of a fine, gentle-hearted, noble woman in +her. + +"What shall we do with our daughters?" is one of the great questions of +the day. Formerly marriage was their only destiny; if they missed that, +they were supposed to have missed all that was worth the winning here. +But that old fallacy is exploded. While still holding that in happy +marriage is to be found the fullest and most soul-satisfying life for +women, no open-eyed person will deny that a single, independent, and +self-respecting life is far preferable to the miserable, starved, +inadequate wifehood to which many women are bound. Having dealt in a +former chapter with the question of matrimony, I must here avoid +repetition, but in connection with this subject of our daughters we must +touch upon it once again. The wise mother will rear her daughters to be +independent, self-respecting, and, if possible, self-supporting; not +hiding from them that she considers a real marriage (not the mockery of +it so often seen) the highest destiny for them, but at the same time +impressing on them that there are other spheres in which women may be as +happy and comfortable, and where they will certainly have less anxiety +and care. + +The woman who trains her daughters in the belief that marriage is their +only end and aim, the very _raison d'etre_ of their being, is a +mistaken, despicable creature, and in all probability her daughters will +take after her. + +If they do not marry, then what is to become of our daughters? Of late +years their path of life has opened up more widely and clearly, and +though the avocations open to women are very crowded there is still room +for the best equipped. That is the secret,--to bring to the market the +highest value only, to render oneself as efficient as nature and +circumstances permit. I would have our girls fully comprehend that in +this age of unprecedented strain and stress there is absolutely no room +for mediocrity, and that they cannot afford to be anything but the most +efficient workers in whatever department they have made their own. There +is still room for the best, and persevering, conscientious labour, worth +the highest market value, sooner or later meets its due appreciation and +reward. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XIII. + +_THE SERVANT IN THE HOME._ + + +Any little book attempting to treat of home-life must necessarily be +incomplete without some reference to the place and power of the servant +therein. We housekeepers all know that this servant question is just as +pressing as any upon which we have yet touched, and it is one that is +with us every day. We cannot rid ourselves of it, even if we would, +because it involves so much of our domestic comfort and happiness. + +We of modern days are filled with a vague envy when we read of such +treasures as Caleb Balderstone, Bell of the Manse, and various other +types of a class now, we fear, extinct--the faithful servitor, who +lived in the service of one house for generations and desired to die in +it. Perhaps such types had their drawbacks likewise, and sometimes +presumed past endurance, doing what seemed good in their own eyes, and +that alone. But all that could be forgiven, because, weighed in the +balance with a lifelong devotion and loyalty and love, they were as +nothing. A few Calebs and Bells undoubtedly still exist, but the bulk of +modern housekeepers know them not, and regard them as pleasant creatures +of fiction, impossible to real life. + +Are servants really less efficient, less conscientious, less diligent +than they were? Or is it that we expect and exact more? Modern life has +undergone such a tremendous change, there have been so many upheavals in +relative positions, that we are inclined to think domestic service is +now regarded from a very different standpoint than it was fifty, or even +twenty, years ago. It is no longer regarded as honourable; those who +enter it seem to do so under protest, the result being a most +unsatisfactory relation within doors. Some blame education for this; and +yet it seems hard to believe that education, the pioneer of progress +everywhere and in all ages, should be responsible for such a distorted +view. Some will tell us that this very dissatisfaction is a sign of the +times, indicating the march of progress towards the time when all men +shall be equal, and no more lines of demarcation shall be drawn. Never +were wages higher; never, I am very sure, were domestic servants treated +with more consideration and respect; and yet the fact remains that girls +prefer almost any other occupation to it. They will stand for hours +behind a counter, suffering untold tortures from exhaustion and +insufficient food, content to receive a mere pittance, and subjected to +a system of espionage and bullying far harder to bear than anything +found in domestic service; and they will give you as their reasons, in +general, these: It is more genteel, they have their evenings and their +Sundays free, and they are not required to wear the livery of cap and +apron. These are the reasons, then; what are we to make of them? + +Can we make domestic service more genteel; give evenings and Sundays +free; and are we willing to dispense with the badge distinguishing maid +from mistress? These are the questions we have before us, waiting an +answer; in that answer perhaps may be found the solution of the whole +stupendous difficulty. + +I write under one disadvantage. I have never been a domestic servant, +and I cannot therefore look at the situation from that particular +standpoint; but I have had for some years servants under my roof, and I +have my own experiences of these years to guide me from the mistress's +point of view. During these years I can truthfully say that I have most +conscientiously, kindly, and systematically done my best to make them +happy; that I have considered them very often at the expense of my own +comfort; and though I have had no startling experiences whatsoever, I am +bound to admit that the result on the whole is not particularly +encouraging. I have seldom found that corresponding consideration, that +devotion to my concerns, that warm personal interest, which make one +feel that one has friends in the household. I have had my pound of +flesh, nothing more; they have done the work for which they have been +paid, sometimes well, but often carelessly; and that is all. When it +came to a question of personal consideration, of caring for my +substance, looking after my interests as I have honestly tried to look +after theirs, I have been disappointed, and now I expect no more, +thankful if I have average comfort, and do not have my nerves and temper +tried a hundred times a day. This I suppose is the experience of +two-thirds of the women who may read this book. + +Nobody feels more keenly than I do the monotonous drudgery of a +servant's life. Day in, day out, the same weary round; and while the +same may be said of all workers, in whatsoever estate they may find +themselves, yet is the lot of the domestic servant notoriously a dull +routine. I often wonder, indeed, that without that element of personal +interest which is the only thing to make the multitudinous and weary +round of household duties sweet, or in any way tolerable, she should do +it half so well; but, on the other hand, when one thinks of her absolute +freedom from care, sordid or otherwise, a feeling of impatience is bound +to arise. "All found" is a comprehensive phrase, and it is those who +have to "find" it who have the care, the thought, the anxious planning. + +How, then, can we establish a better understanding between mistress and +maid, how lift this question to its highest platform, and render the +service one which will be honoured and sought after, instead of +despised, and entered on under compulsion, or as a last resource? I +confess, for once, I am baffled completely, and beyond redemption. I +have thought of it long and earnestly, have done my best with my own +opportunities, and I have no glorified results to offer. I am as others, +worried and often weary, and grateful for every small mercy that comes +in my way. It seems to me that we want to enlarge our own minds and the +minds of those we take into our employ; we need a wider vision, which +shall lift us clean above mere petty and selfish concerns. That is a +baptism we all need. When shall it descend? + +I am forced to this conclusion--that it is this question of all others +that is absolutely dependent on the grace of God. We must have the true +spirit of Christianity in our kitchens and in our drawing-rooms,--that +spirit whose gracious teaching is never ambiguous or difficult to +understand; in a word, there is nothing but the Sermon on the Mount will +do us any good. Of human preaching, teaching, and writing we have enough +and to spare--it does not appear to go home, or to bear any practical +fruit. + +We can only pray that He, whose great heart is open now as it was then +to every human need, will help us to realise our responsibility to each +other, will give us new lessons in the law of love, and show us that +service is the highest form of praise, and that nothing is really small +or mean or despicable, except sin and the littleness of human aims. + +All work is honourable, nay, it is the highest calling on earth. It can +only be dishonoured in the doing. If each one, master and man, mistress +and maid, could adopt this attitude towards their daily duty to the +world and to each other, there would be found the solution of the +problem vexing the souls of so many at the present day. + + + + +[Illustration] + +XIV. + +_RELIGION IN THE HOME._ + + +Perhaps this chapter might more appropriately have been placed at the +beginning of the book than at the end, seeing we have in it the root of +the whole matter, the key to all happiness, fitness, comfort, and peace. +Religion is a word much misunderstood, yet it is given to us in the +Epistle of St. James in the clearest, most intelligible language,--"Pure +religion and undefiled is to visit the widows and the fatherless in +their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." + +It always seems to me that the former part of the injunction is easier +than the latter. There is so much in the world with which we must +combat, so much that, though we can avoid in one sense, comes so very +near to us, that it is well-nigh impossible to keep ourselves unspotted. +But though there is a great deal of evil around us, we must not be such +cowards as to shrink from facing it, and shut ourselves up in selfish +safety, lest it should come near us at all. This is not what the Apostle +means, for it is possible to be in the world and yet not of it, it is +written too that "to the pure all things are pure." What we have to do +is to see that in our inmost thoughts we are pure, not giving lodgment +in our mind to any unholy thing which if revealed would bring the blush +of shame to our cheek. But in the high standard of personal purity, +which we may rightly set up for ourselves, let us not be too arrogant, +or forgetful that such as fall away from purity may have been subjected +to such terrible temptations as we know nothing of. Let us cultivate +more of that Divine compassion towards them which Christ showed of old +towards the Magdalene. It is in matters of such immediate and personal +interest that the spirit of the religion we profess is to be +exhibited,--in a word, we must consecrate all to the high service God +requires of us, honouring us in the requirement. We are placed in this +world to be happy and useful; and though we are reminded many times by +personal sorrows and bereavements that we have no continuing city here, +yet the knowledge need not make us gloomy, or restless, or dissatisfied. + +In this lovely world, so full of beauty and variety, we are bidden to +rejoice; it is for our enjoyment and our use, there is no stint or +condition attached to our citizenship of God's earth. Nature is mother +to all, and has a message for the meanest and most tried of her +children; and it is a message of divinest love. Through Nature, His +handmaid, God speaks to us, giving us in the dawn of each new day, in +the return of each season, in the shining of the sun and the blessing +of the rain, grand and practical lessons in faith, fulfilment of +promises which should mean a great deal to us, and teach us more and +more to trust Him in all and through all. While we are in the world we +have a duty to it, and those who neglect or think lightly of the +practical and commonplace requirements of daily life are in the wrong. +What is needed is a deepened sense of responsibility concerning the +charge God has given us to keep for Him, in the house, the workshop, or +the busy mart of life. + +It is with the home we have presently to deal; and it is in the home, I +think, we need certainly, in as great a degree as elsewhere, all the aid +and stimulus religion can give. It teaches us to make the very best of +all our circumstances, adverse or pleasant; and aids us to the +performance of all duties, however monotonous or irksome in themselves. +It is not ours to inquire whether these duties are just what we would +desire or choose for ourselves, had choice remained with us. Religion +does not consist in the performance of religious ordinances, in +conscientious reading of the Word or the utterance of its formal +prayers; these are its attributes, its natural outcome, not by any means +the thing itself. Religion is, I take it, to be a principle, a powerful +guiding motive to direct us in the ordinary affairs of life, and its +mainspring is love. Love for whom? For the Lord Jesus. And if we love +Him, and truly desire to serve Him, it will be no difficulty for us, but +a natural and exquisite result, that we love one another. + +Even the enemies of Christ, who deny His divinity, admit the beauty and +perfectness of His character, and the unselfishness and holiness of His +earthly life. Since these three-and-thirty years He walked with men many +new Christs have risen, many new creeds and dogmas been offered for the +world's acceptance; but all have passed away, disappeared into +nothingness, and Christ remains, the mainstay and salvation of human +souls. His teaching is still the very best we can obtain for our +guidance here. Take the Sermon on the Mount, for instance. How perfect +it is, how comprehensive, how full of little things, and yet how +wide-reaching in its limit! There is nothing forgotten; nearly nineteen +hundred years old, and yet it is adapted for every need of the human +soul. If we could get the spirit of that blessed teaching more firmly +planted in our hearts, we could make the world a happier place for +ourselves and others. We are all fond of laying plans for the future; +and there are few of us who do not at least once a year review the past, +and make new resolves for the future. Some of us are constantly taking +retrospects, and sometimes feel hopeless. We seem to be making so little +progress in that higher life which we desire, and strive after in some +degree. In a twofold sense this looking back may be made profitable to +us. It must always, unless we are very hard of heart, make us grateful +for past mercies; and when we consider how wonderfully and tenderly we +have been led through difficulties and trials, or dangers, or guided +through the more perilous waters of prosperity and success, it will give +us greater heart to go forward to whatever may lie before us. When we +look back on lost opportunities, it must make us more watchful of those +present with us, and help us to give to each new day as it comes +something upon which we shall afterwards look back without regret. The +older I grow the more strongly do I feel that religion is a matter of +daily living--of practice, not precept; and that unless the Spirit of +Christ animate us in all our relations one to the other we name His name +in vain. And what a lovely spirit it was, unsullied by any trace of +selfishness, gentle, forbearing, long-suffering, just to the last +degree! + +It is this spirit alone that can sanctify and bless the home, and raise +all common life out of a sordid groove; that can make homely things +beautiful, and hard things, of which so many meet us on life's road, +easier to bear. Oh that we had a larger baptism of it; that we who so +long and strive for it could have it always with us! Human nature is so +perverse, and self so strong. Yet, even in its weakest efforts, this +earnest desire to live the religion Christ has taught us will not go +unblessed, but will make its little lesson felt wherever it is found. +Because it makes us more self-denying, more charitable, more forbearing +in every relation of life, it will make others inquire concerning the +hope that is in us. + + + "In hidden and unnoticed ways; + In household work, on common days," + + +we may do the Master's work, and make our homes altars to His glory. + +We want less talk and more action, less precept and more example, which +though reticent of speech is yet eloquent in testimony for good or for +evil. So, whatever be our lot or circumstances, whatever our joys and +sorrows, our losses or crosses, we may with confidence look ahead, and +our great compensation will not be lacking--"She hath done what she +could"; and again, "Well done, good and faithful servant: enter thou +into the joy of thy Lord." + + + +Printed by Hazell, Watson, & Viney, Ld., London and Aylesbury. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE*** + + +******* This file should be named 35963.txt or 35963.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/5/9/6/35963 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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