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diff --git a/35761-8.txt b/35761-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c5afb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/35761-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3582 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who Charms, by +John A. Cone + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who Charms + +Author: John A. Cone + +Release Date: April 3, 2011 [EBook #35761] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAN WHO PLEASES, WOMAN WHO CHARMS *** + + + + +Produced by Heather Clark and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + THE MAN WHO PLEASES + AND + THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS + + BY + JOHN A. CONE + + "Look out lovingly upon the world and the + world will look lovingly in upon you." + + HINDS & NOBLE, Publishers + 31-33-35 WEST 15TH STREET, NEW YORK CITY + + _Schoolbooks of all publishers at one store_ + + + + _Third printing, February, 1904._ + + Copyright, 1901. + by + JOHN A. CONE, + in the + United States + and + Great Britain. + Entered at Stationer's Hall, + London. + + All Rights Reserved. + + + + TO + MY MOTHER. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + THE MAN WHO PLEASES 1 + THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS 16 + THE ART OF CONVERSATION 29 + GOOD ENGLISH 37 + TACT IN CONVERSATION 48 + THE COMPLIMENT OF ATTENTION 57 + THE VOICE 65 + GOOD MANNERS 73 + DRESS 84 + THE OPTIMIST 97 + PERSONAL PECULIARITIES 106 + SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES 114 + + + + +PREFACE. + + +The makers of books have been divided into two classes--the creators and +the collectors. In preparing this volume the author has made no claim to +a place in the first division, for he has been, to a great extent, only +a collector. The facts which the book contains are familiar to +intelligent people, and the only excuse offered for presenting them in a +new dress is that we need to be reminded often of some truths with which +we are most familiar. + +In our daily intercourse with one another, we may forget to render to +others that thoughtfulness and attention which we exact from them. + +We all know that the essence of courtesy is the purpose, in speech and +manner, to be agreeable, attractive, and lovable, to awaken by our +presence happy impressions in another. We all understand this, but we so +easily forget it, or, at least, forget to put it into practice. + +Courtesy is not the least of the Christian virtues, and it should be +studied as an art. + +The reader is requested to accept these chapters in the spirit in which +they were prepared. They are not profound psychological studies, or even +original essays, but only a bringing together of simple, yet important +truths, which are of concern to us all. Possibly they may be of some +help--"Lest we forget,----" + + + + +THE MAN WHO PLEASES. + + _The dearest friend to me, the kindest man, + The best-conditioned and unwearied spirit + In doing courtesies._ + MERCHANT OF VENICE. + + _He hath a daily beauty in his life._ + OTHELLO. + + _Such a man would win any woman in the world if a' could get her + good will._ + MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. + + +There are few subjects of deeper interest to men and women than that of +personal fascination, or what is sometimes called "personal magnetism." +We commonly talk about it as though it were some mysterious quality of +which no definite account could be given. + +"A man is fascinating," we say, "he is born magnetic; he has an +indefinable charm which cannot be analyzed or understood," and, with the +term "naturally magnetic," we hand the matter over to the world of +mystery. + +Is this quality of so bewildering a nature that it cannot be understood, +or will a study of those men and women who possess preëminently the +power of pleasing show us the secret of their influence, and prove to us +that the gift of fascination is not, necessarily, innate, but that it +can, to a great degree, be acquired? + +Will we not find that what appears to be the perfection of naturalness +is often but the perfection of culture? + +From all our well-known public men who have won the reputation of being +"naturally magnetic," perhaps we could not select a better example than +James G. Blaine. With the possible exception of Henry Clay, no other +political leader in our history, under all circumstances, had so devoted +and determined a following. Both Clay and Blaine possessed sympathetic +and affectionate dispositions, and both understood human nature and the +art of pleasing. It may be said that Mr. Blaine's popularity was due, in +a great measure, to the brilliant and attractive nature of his public +service, and this was, no doubt, true to a certain extent. No man knew +better than he the importance of making the most of opportunities for +dramatic and sensational display, and his methods of statesmanship were +always calculated to please the multitude. + +His greatest power, however, was manifested in his winning men by direct +and individual contact. One thing which assisted him in this direction +was the fact that he was, perhaps, the most courteous of all the public +men of his generation. Whenever a stranger was introduced to him, a +hearty handshake, a look of interest and an attentive and cordial manner +assured him that Mr. Blaine was very glad to see him. If they chanced to +meet again, after months or even years, the man was delighted to find +that Mr. Blaine not only remembered his name, but that he had seemed to +treasure even the most trivial recollections of their short +acquaintance. He had a marvellous memory for faces and names, and he +understood the value of this gift. + +This ability to remember faces is not difficult to acquire. We could all +possess it if we would make sufficient effort. No two figures or +countenances are precisely alike, and it is by noting how they differ +one from another that you will remember them. + +In explaining his own remarkable memory for faces, Thomas B. Reed once +said to a reporter that he never looked a man in the face that some +striking peculiarity, a line, a wrinkle, an expression about the eye, +the set of the lips, the shape of the nose, something set that man's +face down in his mind indelibly, and distinguished him from the rest of +mankind. + +Blaine carefully trained himself to pick out some feature or peculiarity +by which he could distinguish one face or person from all others and by +which he could associate the name of the individual. + +The ability to remember names and faces is one of the most valuable +accomplishments for the man in public life, or, indeed, for any man or +woman who wishes social success. Not only does it insure comfort to +one's self, but it is especially pleasing to others. Next to the comfort +of being able to address by name and without hesitation a person one has +met but once, and without mistake, is the comfort of being recognized +one's self. + +Another reason why Mr. Blaine was popular with the masses was because he +was not difficult to approach, and he never missed a chance to be useful +to a person who might some time, in turn, be useful to him. + +The _St. Louis Globe-Democrat_ said shortly after his death: "It was not +the habit of Mr. Blaine to wait for men to seek favors from him. He +anticipated their desires, and doubled their obligations to him by +doing voluntarily what might have been delayed for solicitation. That +gave him the kind of popularity which outlasts defeat and resists all +ordinary influences of criticism and hostility. He could always count +upon a certain measure of unflinching and unconditional support, +whatever forces happened to be arrayed against him; and he changed +bitter enemies into zealous friends with a facility that was a source of +constant surprise and wonder." + +But why should his success in attracting others to himself be a source +of "surprise and wonder"? + +Mr. Blaine, in common with many other magnetic men and women, understood +that the secret of personal fascination lies in one single point; that +is, "in the power to excite in another person happy feelings of a high +degree of intensity, and to make that person identify such feelings with +the charm and power of the cherished cause of them." + +Any quality, good or evil, that enables a man to do this, renders him +fascinating, whether he be saint or sinner. Indeed, some of the men who +have been the most skilful in the art of pleasing have been scoundrels. + +Said a writer in the _Boston Herald_: "It used to be said of Aaron +Burr--so irresistible in charm of manner was the man--that he could +never stop at the stand of the ugliest old crone of an apple-woman, +without leaving on her mind when he went away the conviction that he +regarded her as the fairest and most gracious of her sex. And so, had +woman suffrage prevailed in his day, he would have had the solid vote of +the apple-women for any office he might aspire to." + +Aaron Burr clearly understood that the woman does not exist who is +wholly without sentiment, and he always appealed to that part of a +woman's nature. + +He understood very well the truth of these words written by Croly: "In +the whole course of my life I never met a woman, from the flat-nosed and +ebony-colored inhabitant of the tropics to the snow-white and sublime +divinity of a Greek isle, without a touch of romance; repulsiveness +could not conceal it, age could not extinguish it, viscissitude could +not change it. I have found it in all times and places, like a spring of +fresh water, starting up even from the flint, cheering the cheerless, +softening the insensible, renovating the withered; a secret whisper in +the ear of every woman alive that to the last, affection might flutter +its rosy pinions around her brow." + +Burr, understanding this, left in the mind of the apple-woman the firm +impression that he thought she must have been at one time a duchess, +reduced in fortune by some accident, and now driven to the last refuge +of an apple-stand, and that those sad facts evidently accounted for the +traits of high breeding and delicate refinement so visible through all +her present poverty. + +He understood the fact that all people live in two distinct worlds--the +world of reality and the world of imagination. In the world of reality +they use brooms and shovels, wash floors and dishes, or sell apples; in +the other, they live in drawing rooms, feast sumptuously and are the +wonder and admiration of mankind. + +"Few people," continues the writer in the _Herald_, "would believe that +an ugly, dilapidated looking apple-woman could dwell in the enchanted +realm of imagination just as much as the rich and favored do. But Burr +believed it, so when he spoke to the old crone, he went up, not to her +withered and beggarly self, but to her ideal self, imaginatively +entering into the duchess dream in her, and instinctively became +deferential in his bearing. + +"Forthwith the duchess in her came out to meet the courtly gentleman in +him, and greetings were exchanged as between two incognito scions of +noble lineage. Each enjoyed the meeting, each had vividness enough of +imagination to impart to it the flavor of reality, and to keep out of +sight common, material facts." + +"But," you say, "not every man can make such an impression, for few are +able to do and say things with the ease and grace of a Burr. There must +be a naturalness of manner which never suggests suspicion. Let the +average man attempt to force his nature and to manufacture smiles and +looks of pleasure, and the old apple-woman will know at once that she is +being fooled." Very true, and it is not desirable that the average man +should possess the ability of an Aaron Burr to influence others. Few +persons try as he did to acquire that power, but because the average man +cannot at once exercise that potent influence over others which he did, +it does not follow that we are unable to understand the secret of Burr's +success, nor is it evident that other men cannot acquire something of +this power by thinking it worth while to do so. + +It would not be safe to say that all men can be equally successful, try +as they will, in inspiring in others "happy feelings of a high degree of +intensity," for nature has not been impartial in bestowing equally upon +all the gifts of adaptation and expression. + +There are a few persons so constituted by temperament and mental +organism that they exercise a depressing influence over their +associates. They have a negative, flabby spirit that seems to operate, +speaking figuratively, much as a wet shoe does upon one who is compelled +to wear it. They draw upon the nervous strength and exhaust the patience +of those who are compelled to be much in their company. But there are +not many of this type. Most of us could make far more progress in +acquiring social graces and in the art of pleasing than we do. + +Let us now consider some of the particular qualities which render a man +pleasing to the opposite sex. + +Of course different types of men please different women. Some women care +little for the moral element in men. They do not admire them for their +goodness or nobility of character, but rather for their manners and +their ability to flatter and say pleasing things. Some women are +fascinated by mere brute strength, but they are not many. Rank, wealth, +and social position are very attractive to some, but these things do not +make the man himself more attractive to the true woman. + +While a girl is young, she may go into raptures over "a cameo profile, a +Burnes-Jones head of hair, or a pre-Raphaelite languor and pallor," but +these things are bound to pall, and become absolutely distasteful. Some +even admire downright wickedness in men, and these are the women who +send delicacies to murderers in prison, and overwhelm them with +bouquets. But, fortunately, these types represent but a small fraction +of the fair sex, and this chapter has to do only with the great +majority; the intelligent, moral, cultured women of the land. What +qualities in men are most attractive to them? + +Physical beauty is always attractive in either sex, yet the handsome man +has the advantage of his plainer rival only in this--he is able to draw +attention to himself at once. He must, however, have something more to +hold that attention. He may be physically an Apollo, but if he be +ill-mannered, dull or ignorant, he will stand no chance beside the man +skilled in the artful polished ways of what is called society, who is +master of that grace of manner and flexibility of speech which more than +wealth, reputation, or personal attractiveness, win their way with +women. + +It has been proven, again and again, that even ugliness of face and form +is not, by any means, a bar to popularity with women, and while we are +often amazed at the choice which brilliant, beautiful women sometimes +make from a crowd of admirers, at the bottom of every apparent fantastic +selection, there is a solid, and, usually, a sensible reason. + +Ernest Renan was certainly not handsome. He was exceedingly corpulent, +his complexion was said to resemble nothing else so closely as tallow. +He had claw-shaped hands, bushy gray eyebrows, and thin gray hair, yet +wherever he went into society he was sure to be the center of an +admiring group of women. He was not fascinating by reason of his +ugliness, but in spite of it. There was enough in the subtle charm of +his manner, and the melodious flow of his conversation, to make up for +all outward deficiencies. + +Liszt was not a handsome man--quite the contrary; yet probably no other +man ever lived who exercised a more magnetic and potent influence over +women. Even when he had become gaunt and old, his eyes dim, his blonde +hair snow-white, his spare, lean figure wrapped in a black, priestly +gown, he was followed about by a train of fair admirers. + +Chauteaubriand could charm at eighty-four, the Abbé Liszt at +seventy-five, and Aaron Burr--who was by no means handsome--had at +seventy a charm of manner that was irresistible. + +The fact is, one cannot recall half a dozen very talented men who were +admired for their personal beauty. Pope was very plain; Dr. Johnson was +no better; Mirabeau was "the ugliest man in France," and yet he was the +greatest favorite with the fair sex. + +These examples are not cited to prove that women do not care for +physical beauty in men. On the contrary, that is a very strong +attraction, but not the most powerful factor in holding them. Women more +frequently prize men for their sterling qualities of mind than men do +women. A perfection of physical beauty rarely associates itself with +great mental ability in either sex, but still there have been some +notable exceptions, especially among women, and every pretty woman who +reads this may consider herself one of these exceptions. + +As a general thing, the man who pleases is the man who understands. It +does not matter much to a woman whether a man has great and brilliant +thoughts of his own, if he comprehends her wishes and her feelings, as +well as her thoughts. He should, if he desires to please, make a careful +study of that mysterious and complex thing--a woman's nature. He must +understand that it is of a finer fibre than his own; that it is +sensitive and easily hurt. He should have sentiment, but not be a +sentimentalist. He will be wise, indeed, if he can skilfully draw the +line between the two things. "Sentiment is divine: sentimentalism +absurd." He should be able to say much in little and he must not be a +chatterer. A woman who talks too much becomes tiresome; a man who is an +aimless talker is an intolerable bore to both sexes. + +Few men understand a woman. They do not look at things from her point of +view, and, therefore, do not realize to what extent civilized life has +permitted her to assume that convention of manner and those civilities +of speech which are in some harmless degree hypocritical. It could not +be otherwise. Her ideal of a man is a very high one, but she rarely +meets him, and so she accepts the one who comes nearest to her ideal and +makes the most of the situation. She would that he were different, but a +woman can love in spite of very many things. Usually she is obliged to +if to love at all. She is much cleverer at love-making than a man. "She +is an artist where he is a crude workman, and she does not go through a +love scene without realizing how much better she could have done it if +the title rôle had been given to her." + +If she is a woman of sensibility, she is shocked by a hundred +disagreeable habits which many men think justifiable. She is repelled by +awkwardness of manner, coarse modes of speech, by carelessness of person +and dress, and yet, for all that, she loves. + +The lover who is most successful in retaining the affection of a +sweetheart or a wife is the one who expresses over and over again the +love and the tenderness he feels. Women, more than men, like to hear +things talked about. They are far more wide-awake to the value of +trifles, and more sensitive to changes of mood. They are given to saying +in many ways, with delicate variations, what a man is satisfied to state +once for all, even to state badly. + +A man will believe in a woman's love and be satisfied with far fewer +visible tokens of it than are necessary to confirm his tenderness and +keep her convinced of it. + +The truth is that a man's power of pleasing does not depend upon some +occult quality of which no account can be given, but upon the degree in +which he holds certain attractive qualities--innate or acquired. We have +no difficulty in understanding any single one of these qualities, yet +when a man possesses such a combination of them as to entitle him to the +term "fascinating" we pronounce it incomprehensible, and fall back upon +that vague term, "personal magnetism." + +The personal elements which are most conducive to our influence over +others are, in a broad way: good manners, a pleasing voice, the ability +to converse well, personal neatness, taste in dress, tact, good morals, +culture and refinement, physical beauty, and intellectual force. We are +pleasing or offensive just in proportion to our possession of these very +desirable characteristics, and, possibly, what we term "personal +magnetism" is simply the result of a well-balanced development of some, +or all, of these enviable characteristics. + + + + +THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS. + + _Look on this woman. There is not beauty, not brilliant sayings, + nor distinguished power to serve you; but all see her gladly; her + whole air and impression are healthful. Manners require time, as + nothing is more vulgar than haste._ + EMERSON. + + _Possessed with such a gentle, sovereign grace, + With such enchanting presence and discourse._ + COMEDY OF ERRORS. + + _She's a most exquisite lady._ + OTHELLO. + + +Is it the handsome woman? Yes, sometimes, but not always. Beauty is +always attractive, but the handsome woman has the same advantage only +that the handsome man possesses--she draws attention to herself at once. +If she has nothing but her beauty to rely upon, she does not hold the +attention. + +It was Balzac who reminded us of the fact that nearly all of the most +celebrated attachments in history were inspired by women in whom there +were noticeable physical defects. Mme. de Pompadour, Joanna of Naples, +Cleopatra, La Valliere--in fact, almost all the women whom a romantic +love has invested with a halo of interest--were not without +imperfections and even infirmities, while nearly all the women whose +beauty is described to us as perfect, have been finally unhappy in their +loves. + +"Perhaps," says Balzac, "men live by sentiment more than by pleasure. +Perhaps the charm, wholly physical, of a beautiful woman has its bounds, +while the charm, essentially moral, of a woman of moderate beauty may be +infinite." + +Whether this be true or not, women surely overestimate the influence of +mere physical beauty to attract and hold men. Madame de Staël, whose +dominion over the hearts of all those with whom she came in contact is +well known, declared that she would gladly give up all her gifts of +person, and all her learning, if she could receive beauty in exchange. +It was fortunate for her that her wish was not granted, for, had it +been, probably she would have found her kingdom slipping away. While +she did not have a beautiful face, she possessed physical +characteristics and personal traits which rendered her absolutely +fascinating. + +To a sensible man nothing is quite so insipid as a vain, brainless, +tactless beauty, whose opinions are but echoes, and who imagines that +her beauty alone will hold him chained to her chariot. + +Beauty holds for a time, but after a man's eyes are satisfied, he must +be entertained, and the plain girl who possesses brains and tact need +have no fear of her more beautiful rival. Modern research has proved +that not Sappho, not Aspasia, nor even Cleopatra were women who would +have attracted any special attention by reason of their physical beauty. +Their highest charm was intellectual--the possession of an "immensity to +give," as Plutarch expresses it, in the way of grace and accomplishment. + +The idea that plain girls are allowed to run to waste as "unappropriated +blessings," is not supported by evidence, for we are constantly meeting +wives far plainer than the majority of the unmarried women of our +acquaintance; and it frequently happens that a man who has a wife +physically beautiful, becomes enamored of an exceedingly plain woman who +possesses a certain quality of congeniality, some trait of adaptability +which he misses in his partner. + +Says a writer in _Lippincott's_: "It is safe to make the broad +generalization that a homely girl, all other things being equal, is +likely to have fewer offers than a pretty girl, but quite as likely to +receive the one offer which will make her a happy wife. But all other +things (save the gift of beauty) seldom are equal between the homely and +the pretty girl; by the natural law of compensation, the homely girl has +either some inherent or some acquired ability that is lacking in the +other, which asserts its charm as acquaintance progresses. Beauty only +has the start in the race." + +It frequently happens that the beauty makes the mistake of expecting to +be entertained by her admirers, and does not exert herself to please. +The plain girl, however, is often superior in tact, for being obliged to +study human nature closely in order to get the most out of +companionship, she learns to depend upon this knowledge in her efforts +to please. She is not dazzled by admiration, nor is she unduly confident +when she obtains it that she will retain it. + +Mme. Hading, who is a strikingly handsome woman, and, therefore, can +discuss beauty without falling under suspicion, once said: + +"A woman is very unfortunate who has nothing but beauty to insure her +success. There are other things superior to beauty. Taste, good taste, +brains, tact, health, those are the things a woman must have to hold +people. And then there are good manners--so rare and yet so easily +cultivated. To be refined, to be gentle, to be amiable, to be charitable +in thought and in speech, to be intelligent, is to be charming, in spite +of an unattractive body and an ugly face. To be well born is, indeed, to +be blessed, but to rise above low birth is sublime. The greatest painter +of the age could make only a caricature of a face for the Empress +Josephine, and yet the sweetness of her smile and the charm of her +pleasing and gracious ways immortalized her name. There are other ends +to happiness than mere wealth; there are sweeter things in a woman's +face than beauty." + +Again, the woman who charms is not necessarily young. History is full of +accounts of women who have been fascinating when beyond middle life. The +truest and strongest love is not always inspired by the beauty of +twenty. The enthusiasm over sweet sixteen is not supported by the old +experience which teaches that the highest beauty is not found in +immaturity. Louis XIV. wedded Mme. Maintenon when she was forty-three +years old. Catherine II. of Russia was thirty-three when she seized the +Empire of Russia and captivated the dashing young Gen. Orloff. Even up +to the time of her death--at sixty-seven--she seemed to have retained +the same bewitching power, for the lamentations were heartfelt among all +those who had ever known her personally. + +Cleopatra was considerably over thirty when Antony fell under her spell, +which never lessened until her death, nearly ten years later. + +Livia was thirty-three when she won the heart of Augustus, over whom she +maintained her ascendancy until the last. Aspasia did not wed Pericles +until she was thirty-seven, and for more than thirty years after that +she was regarded as one of the most fascinating women of her time. Ninon +de l'Enclos, the most celebrated wit of her day, was the idol of three +generations of the golden youth of France, and she was seventy-two when +the Abbé de Berais fell in love with her. + +Helen of Troy, the celebrated Greek beauty, was over forty-five when she +took part in the most famous elopement in history; and as the siege of +Troy lasted ten years, she must have been at least fifty-five when the +ill-fortune of Paris restored her to her husband, who is reported to +have received her with unquestioned love and gratitude. Mlle. Mars, the +celebrated actress, was most attractive at forty-five, and Mme. Récamier +was at the zenith of her good looks and of her power to please when +between thirty-five and fifty-five. Diana de Poitiers was over +thirty-six when Henry II., then Duke of Orleans, and just half her age, +became attached to her, and she was regarded as the first lady and the +most beautiful woman at court up to the time of the monarch's death and +the accession to power of Catherine de Medici. + +The common idea that the mature beauty of forty is less fascinating than +that of the girl of seventeen or eighteen is without foundation. By +beauty is not meant merely well-formed features and a fresh +complexion--these things even dolls possess. In spite of the rosy, fresh +complexion bestowed upon youth by nature, a woman's best and richest age +is really between thirty-five and forty-five, and sometimes considerably +beyond that period. + +No one would dare say how old Madame Patti is. Everyone who meets her +exclaims at her marvellous youthfulness and vivacity. Patti's +explanation of her bright eyes, smooth skin and happy expression is +given in a few words: "I have kept my temper. No woman can remain young +who often loses her temper." + +As a woman grows older, she ought to become more attractive in certain +ways than she could be in her youth. One of the most needful things for +attaining this result is good health. Fine muscles, a healthy, glowing +skin, eyes bright with energy and ambition--these make a valuable +foundation for the woman who would be attractive. The woman who, at a +certain age, considers herself _passé_, commits a great error. If she so +regards herself; if she believes she has passed the time when she can be +interesting, others are quite likely to find her unattractive. Surely a +woman should be more interesting after she leaves the period of +girlhood. She ought to be able to converse better, she should possess +more wisdom, greater tact, broader knowledge of human nature; and she +should have more repose, more grace of manner. Indeed, she should have +all her accomplishments well in hand, and be more facile in their use +for the pleasure of others; and she will be able to use them to better +advantage if she has cultivated placidity of temper, human sympathy and +generosity, and is not careless of her personal appearance. It +frequently happens that women who have reached middle life neglect many +of the aids to physical beauty which they once carefully followed. They +are careless about dress, and grow to esteem it excusable to dispense +with those simple and necessary accessories of the toilet which formerly +helped to make them so exquisitely fresh and dainty. They grow +accustomed to think that untidiness must necessarily be associated with +drudgery. But in these days it is becoming more possible to carry the +element of refinement and beauty with us everywhere. + +Many women could seem much finer, more delicate than they appear, if +they were not accustomed to think that a certain homeliness, and even +negligence of attire is quite excusable, and, indeed, almost inseparable +from common work-a-day life. As we grow older, it becomes more necessary +that we use care in always presenting that appearance of personal +neatness which never fails to be attractive to those with whom we come +in contact. + +One of the strongest elements a woman can possess to attract the other +sex is a sympathetic interest in a man's work. This was what attracted +Dr. Schliemann, the famous Greek scholar and explorer, to the young +woman whom he married. She was familiar with the Iliad and the Odyssey, +and was an enthusiast upon the subject of uncovering the ancient cities +of Homer. + +Men like to have women interested in the things in which they themselves +are interested. + +One who has read Richard Harding Davis' "Soldiers of Fortune" may +remember that Clay grew very fond of Miss Langham. His first +disappointment in her came to him when he discovered her lack of +interest in his work of opening up the iron mines in South America. Miss +Langham's younger sister, Hope, was, on the other hand, extremely +interested in the mines, made an exhaustive study of the methods of +mining, and when she, with the other members of the family, visited the +scene of Clay's engineering operations, it was she who drew Clay's +attention to herself by intelligent questions and suggestive remarks. He +was delighted with her, admired her, fell in love with her, and then +married her. That day at the mines was the beginning of the end of the +old love, and the awakening of the new. + +To interest men a woman should, by reading the papers, acquire, and be +able to express, a reasonably clear idea of what is happening in the +world. She should ascertain what is of special interest to the +particular man she wishes to attract, and, whether the subject be +politics, business, out-door sports, art, science, or literature, she +should be able to contribute something in a conversation upon that +subject more interesting than a mere yes or no. + +As it is the manly man who wins and satisfies a good woman, so it is the +womanly woman who pleases and retains the regard of the estimable man. + +Men like the womanly woman. She need not be soft or silly, weak or +nervous; she may be strong, vigorous, resolute, and brave. A man has +little sympathy for the girl who imitates men either in dress, manner +or conversation. If a womanly man is not pleasing to either sex, what +shall we say of a manlike woman! + +He thoroughly expresses the writer's view who said: "A perfect woman may +be adorable; a woman who is perfect would be beyond endurance." Yet, +however irreligious a man may be himself, he always dislikes irreverence +in a woman. He wishes and expects his wife to be better than he is, and, +generally, she is. + +Men do not like the over-dressed woman--the one who goes to the extreme +of a fashion and a little further. He does not care for costliness of +apparel, but he is always attracted by freshness and daintiness. + +A sense of humor is a valuable gift in a woman who wishes to please. Men +like the girl who sees the funny side of a thing; who can make them +laugh; who can be witty without being sarcastic; who can jest and not be +malicious; who can relate humorous experiences without saying things +calculated to make others uncomfortable. + +A man likes a woman who entertains and amuses him. Young girls often +express surprise that one of their number is so popular among men. They +know she is not so pretty as dozens of other girls. She is not dressed +so richly as they are, yet, at a party, she will have half a dozen +young men about her while they are neglected and alone. She must, they +conclude, have that indefinable quality of magnetism, and that is all +that can be said about it, and they could not find out the secret if +they tried. But probably there is no secret about it. Although she is +not pretty, and does not possess a vast amount of information, she has +tact, and a quick and electric vivacity of spirit which acts as a breeze +on the sluggish waters, making ripples of pleasure and laughter, and so +produces an exhilarating effect upon all about her. + +Many young men, if diffident or awkward, feel, it may be, a little out +of place. They hardly know what to do or say, but this particular girl +wakes them up, and they find themselves laughing and talking with +astonishing ease. She understands how to make them feel at ease, how to +draw them out, and as they associate with her they become unusually +elated, and it is not at all strange that in every company they look +eagerly for her presence. + +While, judging from the descriptions and representations which we have +of her, Cleopatra was by no means beautiful, there is no mystery about +her fascinating influence over men. + +"She had," said a writer in _The Boston Herald_, "jaded Roman conquerors +to deal with, men sated with every form of mere animal pleasure. There +was no piquancy left in anything; all had palled and staled on their +cloyed palates. But in Cleopatra was evermore something fresh, +unexpected, perfectly original! + +"No wonder the bystanders cried, 'Age cannot wither nor custom stale her +infinite variety.' What had she to fear from the rivalship of mere youth +and beauty so long as her nimble intellect was fertile, like the Nile +floods, in successive harvests, in the one quality her lovers were ready +to lavish kingdoms for, namely, 'infinite variety.'" + +To go back to the definition of personal fascination given in the +preceding chapter, we repeat that it consists "in the power to excite in +another person happy feelings of a high degree of intensity, and to make +that person identify such feelings with the charm and power of the +cherished cause of them." + +There may be such a thing as the "indefinite quality of magnetism" which +draws people to the possessor whether they will or no; but there are +many personalities who are charming because they have willed to be, +because by painstaking perseverance they have acquired those +characteristics which enable them to please and charm all with whom they +come in contact. + + + + +THE ART OF CONVERSATION. + + "_Though conversation, in its better part, + May be esteemed a gift and not an art, + Yet much depends, as in the tiller's toil, + On culture and the sowing of the soil._" + COWPER. + + _In all countries where intelligence is prized, a talent for + conversation ranks high among accomplishments. To clothe the + thoughts in clear and elegant language, and to convey them + impressively to the mind of another, is no common attainment._ + MRS. SIGOURNEY. + + +The man or woman who is an intelligent, tactful conversationalist, +commands one of the most essential elements of a pleasing address. While +all of us may have certain defects which we cannot wholly overcome, +however earnestly we may try, we can, if we will, re-form our +conversation. We can so train ourselves that good nature, +considerateness and benevolence will always have a place in our +intercourse with others. We can, if we will, use good English, and we +can avoid the temptation, so common, to talk of persons rather than of +things. Theoretically, we despise gossip; practically, most of us add +our mite to the common fund. We may not be ill-natured, and the sweet +charity that "thinketh no evil" may have a home in our hearts; yet +sometimes, if we are not watchful, it may fall asleep, and bitterness, +or the spirit of spitefulness come creeping stealthily to the surface. + +We can, if we will, be intellectually honest--a kind of honesty which is +indeed rare. The principal reason why arguments and discussions lead to +so must dissatisfaction and ill-feeling on the part of the disputants, +is the lack of this quality. + +Two men are engaged in conversation and a question of religious belief +or of politics is brought to the front. Each takes a side in the +discussion and maintains his opinions to the end. Neither is searching +for the truth, but is eager to defend his side of the question against +the attacks of his opponent. It does not occur to either that anything +else can be the truth except the things he has been taught to believe. +To both, the truth simply takes the form of their own opinions; and +since they are most firmly attached to their opinions, neither ever +questions his own devotion to the truth. Such persons can scarcely be +said to use their minds at all, for their thinking has been done by some +one else. Many a hostess is obliged tactfully to separate aggressively +argumentative and disputatious guests, who have never learned that +others have an equal right to their own opinions, and that not every +dinner party is the proper occasion to plunge into heated argument in +the hope of changing another's views. + +Again, we can all avoid the habit of exaggeration--a fault which does +not get itself called by the name of "falsehood," but which is in +dangerously close proximity to it. A man hears something, true enough in +its original shape, but he passes it on with a little addition of his +own. The one to whom he tells it adds his touch of exaggeration, until, +at last, the statement is so swollen and distorted as to convey anything +but the real truth. It would be difficult to charge any one with +deliberate prevarication. The result is a sort of accumulative lie, made +by successive individual contributions of little dashes of exaggeration. +Thousands who would never be guilty of inventing an entire story +derogatory to the reputation of another, are constantly contributing to +the formation of these accumulative falsehoods, which are quite as evil +in their results as though conceived and concocted by one person. + +We can put into requisition a nice sense of honor in our conversation. +In a hundred different ways this most fitting attribute of the true +woman and the real gentleman is often put to the test. We can remember +that it is quite as easy to be ill-mannered in speech as in conduct. + +There are men and women who, at a dinner, would not under any +circumstances, transgress the rules of table etiquette, but who may +offend quite as grossly by a thoughtless or an intemperate use of words. +They may not dispense with the fork, but they wound the heart by unkind +words. They may observe all the amenities from oyster-fork to +finger-bowl, yet they offend some member of the company by sarcasm or +personal innuendo. They may not misplace or misuse the napkin, but they +may render the entire company uncomfortable by declining to yield, in +argument, to the greater weight of evidence; or by overloading a story +with unimportant details. They may be scrupulously neat, and of easy and +graceful deportment, but may never have learned the gentle art of +keeping one's temper sweet when criticised or when confronted by a +contradiction. + +These very suggestive words appeared in "The Churchman": "It is almost a +definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts +pain. The true gentleman carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a +jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast. He has his eyes on all +his company; he is tender toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, +and merciful toward the absurd. He avoids unreasonable allusions on +topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and +never wearisome. Another delightful trait in him is that he makes light +of favors when he bestows them, and seems to be receiving when he is +conferring. He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never +defends himself by a mere retort. He has no ears for slander or gossip; +is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and +interprets everything for the best. He is never mean or small in his +disputes, never insinuates evil which he dare not say out. He has too +much good sense to be affronted at insults, and is too well employed to +remember injuries. He may be right or wrong in his opinions, but he is +too clear-headed to be unjust. He is as simple as he is forcible, and as +brief as he is decisive." + +The entertaining talker is not, of necessity, a great talker; he is +often a good listener. He understands that a bright story, briefly told, +will amuse, but that people are bored by a long story, filled with +pointless details. He is not necessarily learned or profound. He +understands that small change is of as much importance in social +intercourse as it is between men in business. "Although deprecated by +some wise people as vain and frivolous," says _Zion's Herald_, "small +talk has a legitimate function in human intercourse. It is the small +coin of conversation. Those who despise its use often get on as badly in +social life as would the merchant who should exclude the dimes and +quarters from his money-drawer. Without them, the wheels of trade would +be blocked. An honest old copper penny will often turn the corner of a +good bargain. Chit-chat gives ease to conversation. The strait-jacket is +removed; the mental forces have full play; the man acts himself; and the +communication of soul with soul becomes free and delightful. With small +talk he is familiar, and can toss it about as a juggler does his cards. +The philosopher with his learned and exact phrases at once deadens the +flow of soul." + +Men and women are not strictly original. The things we say to-day have +been said just as well a thousand times before; but that forms no reason +why we should not say them again. The coins in your purse have been +through a hundred hands and are not the less useful in serving you +again. + +The fellowship enjoyed rather than the store of wisdom communicated, is +the end of conversation. Whether they say anything of importance or not, +we like to hear some persons talk; they inspire us and set our own +mental machinery in motion. Small talk often brings us most readily in +contact with another soul. + +All good conversationalists know the use of small talk. To be sure, they +know something more, something larger and better, but the chinks in the +larger subject are filled in wonderfully by a familiar interpolation of +the smaller things in a chatty way. Many a wise and learned man would be +a better talker if he had at hand a supply of small coin. He can talk +extremely well on serious and recondite subjects, but the quick jest and +easy repartee of the parlor and the dining-room are beyond him. He is, +in spite of his learned lore, at a disadvantage in society, where there +is no time for homilies or for treatises on erudite topics. Persons less +gifted chat and laugh and have a good time while he sits in gloomy +silence. Those who would please and be pleased in social intercourse +must carry with them and be ready to dispense the small change of light +and witty conversation. + +To be popular in society, find out whether your companion prefers to +talk or listen; avoid personalities; endeavor to lead the conversation +to subjects familiar and interesting to others rather than especially +pleasing to yourself; never indulge in sarcasm; be good-natured and +sympathetic; strive to be tactful; exchange small courtesies; talk to +all with equal attention and interest, and whatever the topic of +conversation, or wherever you may be, appear cheerfully contented. +Acquire, and then exhibit, that adaptability to place and people which +conduces ever to grateful and pleasing companionship. + +William Mathews writes in _Success_: "Conversation rules the destiny of +the state and of the individual; from diplomacy, which is essentially +the art of conversing skilfully on political themes, down to the daily +transactions of the mart and the exchange, its empire is evident to all. + +"Such being the potency and importance of conversation, why is so little +attention given to its culture to-day? Why is it that so many educated +men, who are fastidious regarding their personal appearance, and bestow +upon their bodies the most solicitous care, are yet willing to send +their minds abroad in a state of slovenliness, regardless of the +impression they make?" + + + + +GOOD ENGLISH. + + _We should be as careful of our words as of our actions._ + CICERO. + + +An accomplishment, in its accepted meaning, is "something acquired which +perfects or makes complete; an attainment which tends to equip in +character, manner, or person, and which gives pleasure to others." + +Surely, then, the man or woman who desires to please cannot possess too +many accomplishments; and, accepting the definition just given, is there +any other accomplishment of greater importance than facility in speaking +and writing one's native language with ease and with elegance? Is there +any other single test of culture so conclusive as this? Is it not the +matter, and, particularly, the method of one's speech more than anything +else which impresses the person whom we meet for the first time, either +favorably or unfavorably in regard to our acquirements? We may have but +few opportunities during a lifetime to display our knowledge of +geometry, algebra or astronomy; we may be for weeks in the company of +other people without giving them an opportunity to suspect that we +possess any knowledge of Latin or Greek, but as long as we live, and +every day we live, we are giving evidences of facility or awkwardness in +the use of our mother tongue. + +How much time is wasted in practicing upon unresponsive musical +instruments--unresponsive because not touched by sympathetic fingers! +How much time is spent in acquiring a slight knowledge of French and +German, which results, generally, in an ability to use a few simple +phrases, and to translate easy sentences with the aid of a dictionary! +How many young women, with no artistic ability whatever, spend weeks and +months under the instruction of teachers in vain attempts to produce +something in oil or in water-color worthy to be called a picture! How +much more to the advantage of these young women would it be if a part of +this time were spent in acquiring a better understanding of the use of +English! + +The writer once knew a girl who, after playing a selection upon the +piano, left the room and burst into tears because she had been guilty of +a slight blunder in her execution--a blunder not noticed by two of the +twenty persons assembled in the parlor. This same girl, however, +exhibited, habitually, a carelessness in pronunciation, and an +ignorance of English grammar of which she should have been heartily +ashamed, and which caused far more annoyance to her friends than her +blunders in music. + +Boys and girls should be trained to feel that it is as discreditable to +them to confound the parts of speech in conversation, as it is to make +discords in music, or to finish a picture out of drawing, or to be +guilty of some inadvertence of manner. They should be made to feel that +proficiency in music, French, German, or painting, or any other +accomplishment, so-called, will not compensate for slovenliness of +diction. + +In addressing a girl's school, Bishop Huntington once said: "Probably +there is not an instrument in common use, from a pencil to a piano, +which is used so imperfectly as language. If you will let me be plain, I +suspect that it would be safe to offer a gold medal as a prize to any +young lady here who will not, before to-morrow night, utter some +sentence that cannot be parsed; will put no singulars and plurals in +forbidden connections; will drop no particles, double no negatives, mix +no metaphors, tangle no parentheses; begin no statement two or three +times over without finishing it; and not once construct a proposition +after this manner: + +"When a person talks like that, they ought to be ashamed of it.'" + +These are frank statements to address to a class of young ladies; but +the Bishop's implication would hold with equal truth not only in the +case in point, but also with a large number of the high schools, +seminaries and colleges of this country. Surely such a charge against +the other practical branches of study could not be made and sustained. + +When James Russell Lowell said: "We are the most common-schooled and the +least educated people in the world," he might have added that the +statement was especially applicable to our habits of using or abusing +our mother tongue. + +This general indifference to good English is not, in most instances, the +result of a lack of knowledge, for time enough is devoted to the study +of technical grammar in almost all schools, to enable the pupil to +become thoroughly acquainted with the principles which govern the use of +our language. + +It is because many persons, not having acquired the habit of correct +speech, do not think to apply the rules of grammar in conversation. Were +children accustomed from infancy to hear only correct English, there +would be but little need to memorize arbitrary rules of grammar, for +they would, from habit, speak and write correctly. Thus it is that the +children of educated parents are generally so easy and graceful in their +conversation, contrasted with the children of the uneducated. Our +language, like our manners, is caught from those with whom we associate. + +Several other nations are far in advance of our own in the thoroughness +with which their youth are drilled in the use of language. + +In France, a knowledge of the French language, spoken and written, is +regarded as of special importance. In all entrance examinations, or +examinations for promotion or graduation, the pupil's knowledge of his +native tongue is first determined; and no promotions are allowed, and no +diplomas granted, if the student is notably deficient in this regard, +even though his knowledge of the other required branches should prove to +be all that could be desired. We have not so high a standard in the +United States. It has been but a few years since a definite knowledge of +English was added to the requirements for admission to American +colleges, and even now it has not, in any of our educational +institutions, the relative weight in determining examinations which +French and German have in the systems of those countries. While great +improvement has been made in teaching English, and while better methods +are employed than formerly, it is still safe to say that in no other +branch of study, pursued with equal diligence, are the results so +unsatisfactory. + +Surely in no other way do we so clearly show the degree of our culture +and refinement as by our every-day conversation. Is it not important, +then, that we devote our efforts seriously, and with infinite patience, +if necessary, to mastering a matter so essential? + +The selection of good English does not necessarily imply either a +stilted monotony of speech, or a tiresome affectation. It is simply +elegance and naturalness. There is no reason why any person, however +humble his station in life, should not hope to speak his native language +correctly. It is an accomplishment which is not expensive. In its +acquirement one does not require high-priced teachers. It demands only +care and attention. Be critical of yourself. Watch your sentences. Get +your companions to correct your slips of the tongue. Say over correctly +the troublesome sentence until the mistake becomes impossible. Listening +to well educated persons and reading the best literature are both of +great assistance in this direction, especially if we offer to both the +sincere flattery of imitation. Our literature teems with masterpieces of +style. To read them consistently is to imbibe a certain facility of +diction. + +There are many persons who, while they do not violate the rules of +technical grammar, habitually indulge in slang, hyperbole, and in many +"weeds of speech" which should be pulled up promptly and cast aside. A +great many boys and girls, and even some older persons, imagine that the +use of slang lends piquancy and force to their conversation. Slang is +always an element of weakness. It is bad enough in a man, but in women +it is far more questionable. It is not the expression of the refined. To +the cultivated taste it is discordant. + +Another fault prevalent among girls is the habit of hyperbole. +Perfectly, awfully, nice, and splendid, are the four most overworked +words, and awfully is the most abused of them all. It is strange, the +hold this word has secured in the vocabulary of girls who, in almost all +other respects, are considerate in their use of English. Persons are +called awfully good, awfully bad, awfully clever, awfully stupid, +awfully nice, awfully jolly and awfully kind. It is made to do duty on +all occasions and under all circumstances, as though it were the only +adverb admissible in good society. Among adjectives, splendid easily +ranks as the most popular. To many, everything is splendid, whether it +is a flower, a sunset, a dinner, a football game, a friend, a sermon, or +a book. Then we are continually hearing that certain things are +_perfectly_ splendid, _perfectly_ lovely, _perfectly_ hateful, +_perfectly_ glorious, _perfectly_ magnificent and _perfectly_ sweet. How +word-stricken society would do without these expressions it is difficult +to determine, yet certain it is that the woman who deals recklessly in +superlatives demonstrates forthwith that her judgment is dominated by +her impulses, that her opinions are of doubtful reliability, and her +criticisms valueless. + +In a recent number of one of the popular magazines Prof. Brander +Matthews has an article on the prevailing indifference in regard to the +proper use of words. The points which he emphasizes are these: + +The gentleman is never indifferent, never reckless in his language. The +sloven in speech is quite as offensive as a sloven in manner and dress. +The neat turning of a phrase is as agreeable to the ear as neatness of +person is to the refined taste. A man should choose his words at least +as carefully as he chooses his clothing; even a hint of the dandy is not +objectionable, if it be but a hint. It is even better to go to the +extreme of fastidiousness than to indulge the opposite extreme of +negligence. + +The art of writing letters is but another phase of the same matter. +Indeed it is but conversation carried on with the pen, when distance or +circumstances prevent the easier method of exchanging ideas by spoken +words. It is an art which should be faithfully cultivated by those who +desire to please. In social life, in business, in almost every other +circumstance of life, we find our pen called into requisition. Yet while +it is an almost indispensable accomplishment, it is one which is +pitifully neglected. The art of letter-writing is becoming obsolete; +that is, the art of writing such letters as enriched the epistolary +literature of a former generation. This is unfortunate, as there is +nothing that will so stimulate thought, and bring into activity, +practical, every-day niceties of phrase as the exercise of this art. +Constant drill in letter-writing will tend to take from one's vocabulary +words which have no place there, and will accomplish quite as much as +any other means to broaden, beautify, and to refine the language at our +command, as well as to train the mind to exact habits of thinking. A +further important consideration is the charm which "a gem of a letter" +has for the delighted recipient. + +The indispensable requisites of a good letter are neatness of +chirography, simplicity, and grammatical correctness. Defects in any one +of these particulars are scarcely pardonable. We cannot all be pretty +writers, but we can all write legibly and give to the page the +appearance of neatness. Scribbling is inexcusable. + +"A scribbled page points to a scribbling mind, while clear, legible +handwriting is not only an indication of clear thinking, but a means and +promoter of accurate thought. Indeed, simply as a business proposition, +one cannot afford to become a slovenly penman." + +"And who," says _The Philadelphia Record_, "does not know the charm of a +gracefully worded, legibly written letter, with its wide margins, its +clear, black ink and dainty stationery? An art, indeed, is the writing +of such a missive; an art which it behooves every woman to cultivate. +A hastily written line betraying signs of carelessness, and scrawled +on an indifferent sheet of paper is a poor compliment, indeed, to the +receiver, and elicits anything but flattering comments upon the writer." + +Careless speech is quite bad enough, but the charm of the speaker may be +so great as to disarm criticism. The letter, however, the written word, +stands on its own merits; "what is writ is writ." There is no graceful +vivacity to plead for the writer; no coquetry of manner to distract the +glance of the reader from the errors coldly set forth in black and +white. Observe, then, the utmost care in inditing an epistle, whether to +a friend or foe or to a lover. Never send forth a letter in undress, so +to speak, scarcely more than you would present yourself _en dishabille_ +before your most formal acquaintances. The one is almost as flagrant as +the other. + + + + +TACT IN CONVERSATION. + + _"Ask only the well about their health."_ + + _Discretion in speech is more than eloquence._ + BACON. + + _Brilliancy in conversation is to the company what a lighted + candle is to a dark room--it lightens the whole of it. But every + now and then some unskilful person, in attempting to clip the + wick to make it brighter, snuffs it out._ + JAMES C. BEEKS. + + +Seldom does there occur in society any lapse so astonishing as the +uncomfortable remarks innocently made by men and women to each other. +Some persons who are careful and considerate in other respects, seem to +have a woeful lack of that quality which we call tact. They wish to be +pleasing; they would not for the world intentionally say or do anything +to injure or wound the sensitiveness of a friend; yet they are +continually saying those "things that would better have been left +unsaid." + +_Harper's Bazar_ mentions some of these speeches which have no excuse +for being. + +"What a dear little fellow that is!" said a caller to the mother of a +three-year-old. + +"He is a great comfort to us," replied the mother, stroking the child's +long curls. + +"Yes; I should think so. He is not pretty, is he? His hair is so +beautiful now that at the first glance one would call him pretty. But if +you imagine how he will look when those golden curls are cut off, you +will see that he will be a very plain child." + +Said another woman to an acquaintance: "Mrs. A., I hope you will pardon +me for saying that I think I never saw a more beautiful piece of lace +than the flounce on the gown that you wore to the Assembly Ball last +week. I said to my husband afterward that if Mr. A. should fail again +and lose everything, as he has done once or twice already, you could +sell that lace and easily get a good price for it." + +The same woman, while making a visit of several weeks, said to her +hostess, as the time of her departure drew near: "I always think that +the nicest thing about making a visit is the returning to one's home. +One's family are always so glad to see one, and there is always great +luxury to me in getting back to my own house, where I can do what I +please, say what I please, and order what I want to eat." + +Again, there are people who seem to think that it is their mission to +puncture every person's infirmity with whom they come in contact. They +study to speak disagreeably. They corner you in the social circle, and +talk about the subject they know to be most disagreeable to you, and +talk in a tone sufficiently loud to be heard by all the other persons in +the room. If you have made a blunder they reveal it. If you have been +unsuccessful in any of your undertakings they are sure to inquire about +it, even to details. They unroll your past and dilate upon your future. +They put you on the rack every time you meet them and there is an +instinctive recoil when you perceive their approach. + +"We all know these persons," says _Zion's Herald_, "the persons who +always utter the unsuitable word, who make themselves generally +disagreeable, who never, apparently, try to make a pleasing impression +upon others, but who delight to sting and wound." + +Are we not all acquainted with the neighbor mentioned in this quotation: +"As a brief and sharp tormentor, as a nail in the boot, a rocker for +the shins on a dark night, or a sharp angle for the ulnar nerve, Mrs. +R----, our neighbor, excels all persons I ever saw. I am quite sure if +she could disturb a corpse by whispering to it that its shroud was +ill-fitting, and the floral gifts were not what had been expected, she +would do it." + +If you are a woman have you not more than once gone out for a walk with +some other woman who is never satisfied with your appearance? + +She gives your gown a pull, saying: "This dress never did fit you; it +isn't at all becoming to you, why didn't you wear your other one?" You +soon begin to feel uncomfortable, and to wish you were at home again. +Your bonnet may be never so becoming, or your new jacket may fit you to +perfection, but she never mentions either. She notices only defects; she +sees all that is disagreeable. Such persons always leave an +uncomfortable feeling behind them when they leave you. + +Sarcasm is not a quality to be cultivated by either sex. Men do not like +it in women. It may be amusing when it is directed against another, but +there is always a lurking fear that it may some time be directed against +one's self. Sarcasm is a rank weed, that, once sprouted, grows and +grows, choking out the little plants of kindness, forethought and +consideration, until it overruns the garden of the mind, dominating and +controlling every thought with a disagreeable, pungent odor that cannot +be eradicated. + +The sarcastic girl is not fascinating, for she is not a pleasing +companion. She is too sharp to be agreeable. She may possess talent +above the average of her acquaintances; she may be able to talk in half +a dozen different languages; she may be as beautiful as a Greek statue; +but men fight shy of her. Sarcasm is not wit, though wit may be +sarcastic. One may be bright and say all manner of clever things without +hurting the feelings of others by keen, knife-edged opinions that are +full of bitterness and teeming with gall. + +The tactful person does not make the mistake of talking too much about +himself. While we are young, at least, we are very interesting to +ourselves, and we are likely to imagine that all the world is interested +in our opinions, prejudices and tastes. But though this may be true of +our dearest friends, it is not true as far as other people are +concerned. + +"Without question," says the _Magnet_, "our conversation must be based +upon what we have experienced in one way or another. But that does not +make it necessary for us to talk continually about ourselves. If we +should examine carefully the things we say to the merest acquaintances, +we would be astonished, oftentimes, to see that we assume an interest +in ourselves which we have no right to expect." People who are ill are +likely to make indiscriminate claims upon sympathy, entertaining +strangers as well as friends with detailed descriptions of their latest +symptoms, and the doctor's latest remedies. Some of us who have not the +excuse of illness, impose on the persons we meet by obliging them to +listen to a great deal of personal information which may be of interest +to ourselves, and possibly to those who love us very dearly, but +scarcely to any one else. + +Several years ago the _Christian Union_ related this incident: The +social occasion was a dinner. One of the guests was a woman who had +passed middle life; good taste, ample means, with womanly grace and +natural refinement, made her an addition to any circle. The hostess of +the occasion was a woman who prided herself on her ability to meet the +requirements of her station. She had no doubt as to her fitness in any +social capacity, but her friends had not the same unquestioning faith in +her tact. + +The gentle guest found to her delight that she was assigned to the care +of the son of an old school friend, and inwardly thanked her hostess for +the consideration and thoughtfulness which made it possible for her to +hear from her friend, whom she had not met in years. The guests were no +sooner seated at the table than the hostess leaned toward the young man, +and, in a voice perfectly audible to the entire company, said: "Never +mind, Bob, I will do better for you next time." + +For one minute there was perfect silence, the lady and her escort alike +appalled by what had been said; but the kindliness of the guest overcame +the embarrassing moment by calling the attention of the young man to the +roses on the table, which, she said to him with a smile, were great +favorites of his mother when she was in school. This broke the ice. The +hostess was perfectly unconscious that she had been guilty of any +rudeness. Her intention was to be particularly polite to the young man; +first to assure him that he would be her guest again, and, secondly, +that she would then have a rosebud to assign to his care. The amusing +part was that the young man greatly admired his mother's friend, and had +frequently been her guest on his visits to the city. + +It is difficult to imagine how a woman could move in society to any +extent and remain capable of such a blunder, and yet we have all passed +through similar experiences at the hands of people whose social +experience should render such tactlessness impossible. There comes to +mind now an imposing woman, who prided herself on the fact that she +always said just what she thought. At a reception, she filled the room +by her manner; it was impossible to continue oblivious of her presence. + +Bowing affably to her acquaintances, she sailed--for women of this type +do not walk--up to a modest little lady whose health, she had heard, was +declining, and in a loud voice exclaimed: "What have you been doing to +yourself? You have aged fifteen years since last I saw you!" Not unkind +by intention, she was but practising her system of saying just what she +thought, and she was constantly urging upon her friends the propriety of +this course; but what an unbearable place our world would be if we all +followed this example of inane and inconsiderate bluntness. + +So the woman who is always finding in you resemblances to some other +person whom she has met, creates many of the uncomfortable experiences +of social life, and when she thinks it interesting to exploit the +character of your prototype, dwelling upon the mental and physical +defects, she becomes unbearable. Yet society has, as yet, found no sure +way to eliminate her. + +Such infelicities are not the outcrop of unkindness so much as of a +certain ineptitude or lack of _savoir faire_. Such people feel +constrained to do their share of the talking, but have not acquired +tactfulness in selecting the topic, nor alertness to avoid the +pitfalls--both of which traits may by sedulous self-training be acquired +by any one in whom, unhappily, they are not innate. + +In one of these instances bad manners were the natural expression of the +woman, because her impulse was selfish; for it is certainly true that a +person of truly unselfish nature will not offend by making personal +remarks. Manners are the expression of the heart, and the man or woman +who lives mentally in kindly, thoughtful relations with fellow men and +women will refrain from expressing the thought which might possibly give +offence. There is no mystery in social grace. It is remembering other +people in their several relations to us. The woman who is a social +success is not the one who has for her purpose in life so much the +desire merely to please, but the one whose desire, rather, is to make +others happy. One is a polite purpose; the other is a fine type of +unselfishness that makes impossible the utterance of unwelcome truths to +the chagrin of anyone encountered in the casual personal contact that we +term society. + +Holmes gave us some good advice when he said: "Don't flatter yourselves +that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your +intimates. On the contrary, the nearer you come into relation with a +person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become." + + + + +THE COMPLIMENT OF ATTENTION. + + _"Were we as eloquent as angels we should please some people more + by listening than by talking."_ + + _"A good listener is as needful to a witty talker as steel to + flint. It is the sharp contact of the two which makes the sparks + fly."_ + + +There are certain amenities attending social intercourse with which we +are all familiar, yet we are constantly forgetting to put them into +practice. In no respect is this forgetfulness more noticeable than in +conversation, and especially in connection with what may be called "the +compliment of attention." + +If you despair of becoming a good talker you can, at least, make +yourself a good listener, and that is something not to be despised. +There are apt to be more good talkers than good listeners, and, although +to say so may sound paradoxical, the better you listen, the greater +will be your reputation as a conversationalist. + +In the opinion of the cynical Rochefoucauld, the reason why so few +persons make themselves agreeable in conversation, is because they are +more concerned about what they are themselves going to say, than what +others are saying to them. + +If you have read "Nicholas Nickleby," you remember Mrs. Nickleby tells +how remarkable Smike was as a converser. She entertained poor Smike for +several hours with a genealogical account of her family, including +biographical sketches, while he sat looking at her and wondering what it +was all about, and whether she learned it from a book or said it from +her own head. + +Said a writer in the _Chicago Herald_: "What is there, indeed, more +colloquial than an intelligent countenance, eagerly intent upon one +while telling a story? What language can be compared to the speaking +blush or flashing eye of an earnest listener? It was Desdemona, with +greedy ear devouring his discourse, who won Othello's heart. He told his +wondrous story, and she listened--that only was the witchcraft he had +used." + +It is said of Sir Walter Scott that, although one of the best talkers in +the world, he was also the best listener. With the same bland look he +would watch, throughout an entire evening, the lips of his garrulous +tormentor ignorantly discoursing on Greek epigrams, or crassly dilating +on the intricacies of a parliamentary debate. + +It was said of Madame Récamier that she listened most winningly, and +this was one secret of her wonderful power to charm. + +We have all heard the story of Madame de Staël, who, by a clever +stratagem, was introduced to a deaf mute at a party. She talked to him +the whole evening, and afterward declared that never before had she met +so intelligent a listener and so fine a conversationalist. + +Do you remember the story told by Sterne in "The Sentimental Journey"? + +He had been represented to a French lady as a great wit and an engaging +converser, and the lady was impatient for an introduction that she might +hear him talk. + +They met, and, writes Sterne: "I had not taken my seat before I saw she +did not care a sou whether I had any wit or no. I was to be convinced +that she had. I call heaven to witness I never once opened the door of +my lips." + +The lady afterward said she never in her life had a more improving +conversation with a man. + +Many other instances might be mentioned derived from both fact and +fiction, to show how attentive listening may enhance the delights of +conversation, and that one may sometimes gain a reputation for +conversational powers by exercising one's ear instead of one's tongue. + +"A frequent caller at my home," said a lady, "is a capital story-teller, +always instructive and pleasing; but she is a poor listener. When my +part of the conversation comes in, her manner is depressing. I feel +embarrassed, my words become tangled, my memory leaves me, and I hurry +to close my remarks, conscious of having made a weak argument, although +I had a point when I began. My friend loses her easy manner when I +speak, becomes restless, and breaks in upon me before I have fairly +begun. Her unresponsive eyes tell me as plainly of her superiority as +though she had written it in black and white." + +Clergymen, teachers, and public speakers understand and appreciate +better than others "the compliment of attention." Embarrassing, indeed, +is it to anyone who is talking to observe signs of weariness and +inattention on the part of one's hearers. Those not accustomed to stand +before an audience seldom realize that a speaker feels and understands, +without conscious endeavor, the attitude toward him of every member of +his audience. The good listener inspires and encourages him, while the +restless, inattentive auditor is a thorn in the flesh, irritating and +distracting. + +At the close of a lecture given a few years ago in a town in Maine, the +lecturer--who was a state superintendent of schools--turned to the +writer and asked: + +"Who are those two ladies dressed in black, standing there by the +window?" + +After telling him their names the writer said, "Why do you ask?" + +The lecturer replied: "They have been of great help to me all the +evening. They are delightful listeners. They appeared to appreciate so +thoroughly everything I said that I seemed to be talking especially for +their benefit." + +"That girl," said a teacher, pointing to an attractive young lady just +leaving the school-room, "is the most restful pupil I ever had in my +school. She is so gentle in her demeanor, so thoughtful and so attentive +during recitations, that one cannot help loving her. No matter how +restless the other members of the school become, she is always giving +the closest attention. If one could have an entire school like her, +teaching would be a delight; but she is one among fifty." + +We gain many things besides the good will of others, by being good +listeners, even though we must sometimes submit to be bored to an +unlimited degree without interrupting the speaker, or responding in any +other way than by "nods and becks and wreathéd smiles." + +"Open your mouth and shut your eyes and see what heaven will send you," +says the old maxim; but, "shut your mouth and open your eyes," has been +suggested as much more sensible advice under some circumstances. + +"But," you say, "we are told that Samuel Johnson, Tennyson and Macaulay, +and many other great thinkers, usually monopolized the conversation when +they were in company, and their friends delighted to listen to them. +Surely they gave but little heed to 'the compliment of attention.'" Very +true, but no doubt they would have been sometimes more agreeable to the +company if they had been more considerate of the wishes of other people. +Great men are great in spite of their weaknesses, not because of them. +We can forgive unpleasant propensities in a genius more easily than in +the average mortal, and as almost all of us are average mortals, without +a trace of anything akin to genius, we cannot afford to dispense with +any of those qualities which help to make us pleasing to others. We +should remember that there was but one Macaulay--a man who could talk +brilliantly on almost all subjects--and notwithstanding his brilliancy, +his friends admitted that he was often something of a bore. + +A very useful lesson may be learned from a little story which appeared +some years ago in _The Youth's Companion_: + +George Paul, a young civil engineer, while surveying a railway in the +Pennsylvania hills, met a plain, lovable little country girl, and +married her. After a few weeks he brought her home to his family in New +York, and left her there while he returned to camp. + +Marian had laid many plans to win the affections of her new kinsfolk. +She had practiced diligently at her music; she was sure they would be +pleased to hear her stories of her beautiful sister and her brother; she +imagined their admiration of her new blue silk gown and winter bonnet. +But the Pauls, one and all, were indifferent to her music, her family +and her gowns. They gave "George's wife" a friendly welcome, and then +each went on his or her way, and paid no more attention to her. + +After the first shock of disappointment Marian summoned her courage. + +"If I have nothing to give them, they have much to give me," she +thought, cheerfully. She listened eagerly when Isabel sung, and her +smiles and tears showed how keenly she appreciated the music. She +examined Louisa's paintings every day with unflagging interest, +discussed every effect, and was happy if she could help mix the colors +or prepare the canvas. She questioned grandma about her neuralgia, +advised new remedies, or listened unwearied to the account of old ones +day after day. When Uncle John, just returned from Japan, began to +describe his adventures, Marian was the only auditor who never grew +tired nor interrupted him. + +After a two hours' lecture, in which her part had been that of a dumb, +bright-faced listener, Uncle John declared that George's wife was the +most intelligent woman he had ever met. + +When George came home the whole family was loud in her praises. +She was a fine musician; she had unerring taste in art; she was +charming, witty and lovable. But George soon saw that she had won them +unconsciously--not by displaying her own merits, but by appreciating +theirs. + +This is a true story in fact, but the truth of its meaning is repeated +wherever a woman is found who has that quality called charm. She may be +plain or even deformed, but she will win friendship and love. + +Many an attractive girl would save herself much anxiety and vain effort +on her entrance into the world of society, if she understood that +society, so called, is composed of individuals, the most of whom desire +not to find the beauty, the wit, the talent of others, but to elicit the +cordial recognition by others, of their own. + + + + +THE VOICE. + + _"Tender tones prevent severe truths from offending."_ + + _"There are tones which set commonplace words apart, and give them + lights and deeps of meaning, just as one fine emotion idealizes + and exalts a homely face."_ + + _"There is no power of love so effective as a kind voice. A kind + hand is deaf and dumb. It may be rough in flesh and blood, yet do + the work of a soft heart, and do it with a soft touch. But there + is no one thing that love so much needs as a sweet voice to tell + what it means and feels."_ + + +In our efforts to please, while much depends upon what we say, quite as +much depends upon how we say it. The influence of a pleasing voice is +wonderful; who has not felt its charm? + +It has been said that the greatest defect in the American woman is her +voice, and while this may not be strictly true, there are heard in +conversation at home and abroad many voices more unpleasant than +necessary--more harsh, more rasping. + +A woman's voice may imply good breeding, or the reverse, and in +estimating the power of feminine charms, a pleasing voice should be +placed very near the head of the list. Is it not strange, then, that so +little effort is made to remedy defects in vocal expression? + +We cultivate the voice for singing and for elocutionary effects, but +little is done for the average boy or girl by way of training the voice +for the everyday effect. Only a few can sing well enough to give +pleasure to others, but we all talk every day of our lives, and often +the quality of our voice speaks more significantly than the words we +utter. A sympathetic tone will often win us a friend, though what we say +may be of little importance. Purity of accent plays a great part in the +art of charming, and it has been truly said that "a woman may be ugly, +old, without distinction or instruction, but if she have a soft, +insinuating, mellow-toned voice, she will charm as much as her more +beautiful sister." + +A telephone operator in a place near New York was on a certain Christmas +the recipient of checks for five, ten and a hundred dollars, a diamond +pin, a dress pattern, and eight boxes of confectionery; although she was +known to the donors only by her gentle voice, by the deference of its +tone, by her readiness to accommodate, and by her office number as one +of the operators. + +Why is it that we regard vocal training and oral expression as something +to be confined wholly to the specialists? We think such training is +needed by public speakers and readers, and by all who intend to make a +professional use of the voice, but we do not appreciate its value for +the average man or woman. + +"What should we think," says _Expression_, "of a woman who dresses in +the richest of apparel, who is extremely careful of every point of +dress, but who speaks with a nasal twang and throaty tone, and makes no +effort to correct the fault? We know that this is often the case. Why is +not the inconsistency corrected? Why is there no endeavor to improve the +voice and make it beautiful and winning? What a sensitiveness people +exhibit about going abroad with a smudge on the face; but, alas! there +is little sensitiveness regarding a smudge on one's voice. + +The truth is that voice culture should not be confined to the few, but +should become a prescribed branch of the education of boys and girls +generally. Not alone are the voices of the women too often unmelodious, +but those of the men also need attention. A fine voice may be of +inestimable value to a man. The majority of the celebrated orators have +been aided by the possession of a good voice, along with the knowledge +requisite to enable them to employ it effectively. Mr. Lecky says that +O'Connell's voice, rising with a melodiously modulated swell, filled the +largest auditoriums and triumphed over the wildest tumult, while at the +same time it conveyed every shade of feeling with the most delicate +flexibility. + +Mr. Gladstone's voice is said to have had the musical quality and the +resonance of a silver trumpet; while William Pitt, who was a ruler in +Parliament at the age of twenty-one, possessed a voice of masterful +power yet of a wonderful sweetness. + +Webster's voice, on the occasion of his reply to Senator Dickinson, was +so commanding, so forceful, that one of his listeners said he felt all +the night as if a heavy cannonade had been resounding in his ears. + +Garrick used to say that he would give one hundred guineas if he could +say "Oh" as Whitefield would say it. + +"But," you declare, "nature has not given us voices like the voices of +those celebrated men, and we must be content with what we have." + +While nature may not have bestowed upon us their melodious voices, we +can do much to improve our own. A study of biography will inform us that +many of the most successful speakers, whether actors or orators, have +been men and women possessing some native defect of speech or figure +which they resolutely mastered by patient, persevering application. We +all know of Demosthenes' impediment of speech, and are familiar with the +story of his months of struggle and his final success. + +Savonarola, when he first spoke in the cathedral at Florence, was +considered a failure, on account of his wretched voice and awkward +manner. Phillips Brooks, one of the greatest preachers America has +produced, was told by his college president that the ministry was out of +the question for him because of his nervousness and the defects of his +speech. + +It would be easy to multiply instances to show that the most awkward +body and the roughest voice may be brought under control. In fact, where +the voice is imperfect and the man is obliged to make a determined +effort to master it, he attains by this means, a mental vigor and an +emotional strength and a flexibility of voice and mind, as well as a +command over the body, which render his delivery in the highest degree +effective. + +Again, it is not sufficient that we have naturally a melodious voice; +we must know how, or else learn how, to use it. There must be feeling +and expression in one's tones. If we wish to express cordiality, words +are futile unless the voice sounds the feeling we wish to express. We +need to learn how to modulate the voice so as to make it a true reflex +of the mind and mood. Unless it tells of sincerity, apologies fail to +convince of a contrite spirit. Unless it conveys confidence, +protestations are in vain; yet the very tone of one's voice may allay +bitterness, though one may stumble over the words of an apology. If, +then, one recognizes the fact that his voice is colorless and devoid of +feeling, though his heart be warm, let him at once apply himself to +remedying the defect. + +Listen to your own voice when speaking, and note the harsh, strident +tones, and the imperfect inflection, and correct them. Many girls speak +in a nervous, jerky, rapid way, beginning a sentence and repeating a +portion of it two or three times before completing it. Some speak in +high, shrill tones which are not only displeasing but positively +irritating because discordant. Some speak too fast, while others, going +to the opposite extreme, simply drawl. These are defects which can be +corrected, and, by correcting them we add measurably to our power to +charm. + +If you do not understand the imperfections of your tone productions, or +the faults in your manner of speaking, or if you have trouble in +correcting them, go to one who does know, and who is as sensitive to the +speaking voice as he is to the singing voice. It may cost you something +to do this, but it will be money judiciously expended. You take music +lessons, both vocal and instrumental, and you do not consider the money +expended for such lessons as wasted even though you have no intention of +going upon the stage in opera or of becoming a professional pianist. You +study music as an accomplishment. Why then should you not give some +time, and if need be, a little money for the purpose of perfecting your +speaking voice, if by so doing you can make yourself more agreeable to +others. You may not be called upon very often to sing or play for other +people, but you will talk every day and many times each day, and the +voice is "the agent of the soul's expression." + +"The art of singing," says _The Boston Herald_, "strange to say, does +not include the art of speaking, for some very fine singers have harsh +and unmusical voices in conversation. But with all the training now +given to the rising generation, voice education should be considered. +Take the rasp and the hardness out of your sons' and daughters' speech, +and give them another grace with which to conquer society." + +The importance of what we say and how we say it, has never been more +clearly or pointedly expressed than in this quotation from an American +writer: "A man may look like a monkey and yet turn out to be a +philosopher; a man may dress like a vagabond, and yet have the +intuitions of a scholar and a gentleman. The face, the expression of the +eye, the dress, the manner even, may all be deceptive, but the voice and +speech of men and women classify them infallibly." + + + + +GOOD MANNERS. + + _Life is not so short but that there is always time for + courtesy._ + EMERSON. + + _"Politeness is real kindness kindly expressed. This is the sum + and substance of all true politeness. Put it in practice and all + will be charmed with your manner."_ + + _Young men generally would doubtless be thoroughly astonished + if they could comprehend at a single glance how greatly their + personal happiness, popularity, prosperity, and usefulness + depend on their manners._ + J. G. HOLLAND. + + +In attracting others to us the value of a pleasing manner cannot be +estimated. It is like sunshine. We feel it at once, and we are attracted +to the person who possesses it. + +"Give a boy address and accomplishments," said Emerson, "and you give +him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes; he has not +the trouble of earning or owning them: they solicit him to enter and +possess." + +Much has been written upon this subject. Indeed, so much has been said, +and said so well, that there will be little attempt to do anything else +in this chapter than to bring together some of the best thoughts of the +best authors. + +The men and women who have accomplished great things in the world have, +as a rule, understood the value of politeness, and have acted in +accordance with that knowledge. You can, possibly, recall a very few +exceptions, but these were persons great in spite of their lack of +courtesy, and they would have been even greater had they practiced the +art of gentle manners. + +The Duke of Marlborough, whose general education was in some respects +sadly neglected, had so irresistible a charm of manner that he swayed +the destinies of nations. Mirabeau, who was unattractive in person, won +by his politeness the good will of all with whom he came in contact. +There has been no time in the history of the world when good manners +counted for more than they do at the present time. In fact, to-day more +than ever before a man is dependent for success upon his personality. +Good manners often bring to one many things that wealth cannot procure, +and "politeness has won more victories than powder." + +"No one," says an American writer, "who has any appreciation of grace +and beauty in nature or in art can fail to recognize the charm of fine +manners in an individual. We rejoice in them as we do in a lovely sunset +view, or a beautiful piece of architecture, or a fascinating poem, for +their own sake and for what they express; but even beyond this they have +another attraction in the magnetic power they exert upon all beholders +in setting them at ease, in sweeping away shyness, awkwardness and +restraint, and in stimulating them to the expression of whatever is best +worth cherishing within them." + +It is undoubtedly true that the presence of fine manners, whether it be +in the home or the social circle, in the workshop or the counting-room, +in the visit of charity or the halls of legislation, has an immediate +effect in reproducing itself, in diffusing happiness, in developing the +faculties, and in eliciting the best that is in everybody. + +Surely there is no quality that a girl or a woman can possess which +recommends her more favorably to the good opinion of others than that of +uniform courtesy and good manners. + +William Wirt's letter to his daughter on the "small, sweet courtesies of +life," contains a passage from which a deal of happiness may be +learned. "I want to tell you a secret. The way to make yourself pleasant +to others is to show them attention. The whole world is like the miller +at Mansfield, who cared for nobody--no not he, because nobody cared for +him. And the whole world would serve you so, if you gave them the same +cause. Let everyone, therefore, see that you do care for them by showing +them the small courtesies in which there is no parade, whose voice is +still to please; and which manifest themselves by tender and +affectionate looks, and little acts of attention, giving others the +preference in every little enjoyment at the table, walking, sitting, or +standing." + +Young men who wish to make their way in the world cannot afford to +forget that there is not in all the world a talisman of such potent +magic as the irresistible spell of a charming manner. While in some +cases it seems innate, it can, in a great measure, be acquired. Yet a +careful observer of the young men of the present generation cannot fail +to notice a tendency, on the part of some at least, to disregard the +small courtesies of life--the intangible, yet very perceptible little +things which make the man a gentleman. Some people even contend that +outward manner is a secondary consideration if the head is well stored +with knowledge, and that if a young man has the faculty to get on in +the world, it is a matter of very little importance if he have not the +manners of a Chesterfield. That this idea is prevalent is accounted for +by the great number of well-educated men--men of ability and power--who, +clever and with no lack of brains, are painfully deficient in good +breeding. With no intentional lapses they are awkward, presuming, and +even vulgar. + +"In most countries," says the _Toronto Week_, "an educated man and a +gentleman are almost synonymous terms. On this side of the Atlantic they +by no means always apply to the same man. Educational advantages are +within the reach of all classes of people--even persons who have missed +the benefit of home training for their manners, or who have not numbered +cultured persons among their acquaintances. Such persons by native +ability and hard work often attain to high positions of honor and trust +in the various professions, and win for themselves the title of +'self-made.' + +"Yet because a man by his brains, energy, and pluck carves out his own +fortune, putting himself in a prominent position, is it not very +desirable that he should also cultivate the courtesies of life so that +the talent be not hidden by roughness and uncultivated bearing." + +We frequently meet college students--especially from the smaller +colleges--good, honest, earnest, ambitious fellows, who are working hard +to make their way in the world. They are poor, and have come from homes +where the stern realities of gaining a livelihood have left, apparently, +no time for culture; where the table manners are but little better than +those of the logging camp, and where the graces of refined speech and +manners have never even taken root. They may take never so high a rank +in their college studies, may pursue the work preparatory to a +profession with never so much diligence, yet they will always be +handicapped by their ignorance of those embellishments so necessary to +social, and even business, success. They find themselves continually +placed at a disadvantage, and their lack of social training is +responsible for failures which might have been avoided. + +Because a man is a successful lawyer he is not justified in saying that +he can be his own tailor, or that ill-fitting clothes, if belonging to +him and of his own make, are as suitable as those of a good cut. So it +is with the intellectual giant who takes no heed of his manners. He may +learn much from less talented persons, who are, nevertheless, his +superiors in many respects. Desirable as it may be for a young man to +shun the extravagance of the æsthete, and to despise the shams of +society, he cannot afford to neglect the courtesies of life; and he +does well who, while devoting his energies to mathematics and the +classics, pays attention to the improvement of his manners. It is while +young that manners are formed; the most strenuous efforts will not +wholly eradicate in after life the awkward habits formed in youth. + +The young man who is ambitious, upon whom Dame Fortune is already +turning a dawning smile, should pause and think about this matter. Some +time he may be rich; some time he may aspire to a high position in +society or in public life, and he should begin early to fit himself for +the proud position he means to occupy. + +The outward address of a man has no little influence upon his success in +business. The polite attention and readiness to meet every reasonable, +and often unreasonable, demand of his customers, on the part of A. T. +Stewart, when he opened his narrow linen store on Broadway, was almost +as important a factor in his rapid success in securing business as his +remarkable quickness in discovering changes in the market, and in +adapting his goods to the taste and necessities of his patrons. This +marked self-restraint and politeness of manner he retained to the last. + +It is strange that every business man does not appreciate the commercial +value of politeness. The writer knows a clerk who is employed in a drug +store in one of the largest towns of Maine. So polite is he in his +attentions to customers, so willing to be helpful, so pleasing in his +manner, with that restraint and quietness which mark the gentleman and +destroy every trace of effusion, that he has made himself invaluable to +his employer. It is reported that, more than once, his friends have +urged him to establish a business of his own, but his employer, +realizing his value in attracting and holding customers, has turned him +from the idea by a generous increase of salary. Thousands of clerks and +thousands of professional and business men could greatly increase their +earning power by closer attention to the accepted rules of courtesy. + +Some people excuse a roughness of manner by saying that they detest +affectations of all kinds, that they love the truth, that they are +perfectly frank and outspoken. Such people pride themselves upon their +naturalness, and on the ground of frankness they will wound by rude +language, will insult you, and defend their awkwardness and ill-breeding +by the plea of "natural manners." Naturalness is not always commendable. +If nature has not invested us with those qualities which are pleasing to +others, we should try to improve upon nature. The plainest truths may be +conveyed in civil speech, and it is better to "assume a virtue if you +have it not." To object to politeness on the ground that its language is +sometimes unmeaning and expressed for effect, is as foolish as it would +be to object to the decoration of our parlors or the wearing of good +clothes. + +In the ordinary compliments of good society there is no intention to +deceive. Polite language is pleasant to the ear, and soothing to the +heart, while rough words are the reverse, and while they may not always +be the result of bad temper, they are quite likely to cause it. + +The motive for politeness should not be the desire to shine, or to raise +one's self into society supposed to be better than one's own. The +cultivation of good manners is not merely a means to the gratification +of personal vanity, but it is a duty we owe not only to other people but +to ourselves; a duty to make ourselves better in every respect than we +are. Indeed, the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that +of good morals that they seem almost inseparable. + +"Did you ever think how invisible is the armor of defence afforded by +perfect politeness?" asks _Harper's Bazar_. "Neither man, woman nor +child can resist it. The quick tempered Irish maid who loses her hold on +her tongue so easily and 'answers back' with a hot retort is abashed +when her mistress meets her with quiet courtesy. The angry person, off +guard and saying what he really does not mean, is foiled by the +self-control of his interlocutor, who has not, for an instant, forgotten +the gracious manner of good breeding." + +Politeness is, perhaps, instinctive with some, but with the majority it +is a matter of training, of the slow and careful discipline of voice and +eye and carriage. Under this training all the angles of personal vanity +and self-consciousness are rubbed off, the person becomes adorned with +grace, ease, simplicity and gentleness, and what may seem to the +untrained observer as the perfection of naturalness may be simply the +perfection of culture. + +Very sensitive persons who suffer acutely from fancied slights can save +themselves many wounds by always being as scrupulous in giving as they +are in exacting courtesy. To suffer one's self to perpetrate a rudeness +is to lay one's self open to the same. In nothing should we be less +economical than in politeness. It should lead us to prompt and generous +acknowledgment of every kindness, to responsive thanks when a gift, +however small, is brought to our door. It should oblige us to listen +with patient attention even to the person whose conversation is not +entertaining, to sit apparently absorbed when in public we are present +at concert or lecture. This defensive armor, so smooth, so polished, so +easily worn, will make our intercourse with society agreeable. + +The fact is, that when we come in contact with human beings anywhere and +in any occupation, we are quite likely to get in return just what we +give. + +A man who is always the gentleman seldom meets with rebuffs from even +the most unpolished and crude. The employer who uses kind words with his +workmen, usually gets kind words in return. + + + + +DRESS. + + _"No woman is ugly who is well dressed."_ + SPANISH PROVERB. + + _For the apparel oft proclaims the man._ + HAMLET. + + _I believe in dress. I believe that God delights in beautiful + things, and as he has never made anything more beautiful than + woman, I believe that that mode of dressing the form and face + which best harmonizes with her beauty is that which pleases him + best._ + J. G. HOLLAND. + + +As the author of this volume is a man, this chapter on dress is, of +course, written from a man's point of view. He knows very well that, +were he to attempt to write scientifically of woman's clothes he would +be lost. No one but a woman can do that. The man who tried it would soon +find himself bewildered by a maze of technical terms and expressions +which seem absolutely necessary to describe exactly what is meant. +Possibly, however, the author can take a broad, mental grasp of the +subject apart from and above the pretty finesse with which feminine +writers would treat the subject. Clothes are the woman's weapons, one of +the resources of civilization, with which woman marches forth to the +conquest of the masculine world, and the writer wishes to estimate from +the man's standpoint just how much the silks, the laces, the ribbons and +the velvets have to do in influencing the masculine heart. + +What one wears is accepted as an index of one's character. Whether this +is as it should be or not, yet it is true; and we all feel, more or +less, that coarseness or refinement finds visible expression in apparel +as in no other way. "Surely," says _The Boston Journal_, "nothing so +intensifies the personality as the clothes one wears; through +association they become a part of us, help to identify us, even in some +peculiar, reactionary way, serve to control our mental states." + +Many women will tell you that their most infallible cure for weariness +and the blues is to go and dress up in one of their prettiest gowns. +Many men will tell you that a clean shave, clean linen, and a fresh suit +of clothes are most reviving and soothing in their effect upon the +psychical as well as the physical man. + +The statement, often made, that women dress well only to please the +men, is only a fraction of the truth. + +They dress to please the men; to please one another, and to please +themselves. Which of these three motives is the strongest depends upon +the individual, for,--"while there are men and men, there are women and +women and women," and it is absurd to make any attempt to analyze +motives or to formulate principles which will apply to all women. + +The men who dress well do it for the women and for themselves. The +effect that their apparel has upon others of their own sex, gives men +but little concern. If all the women should be taken from the world +tailors would at once lose half their business, for the men would +immediately begin to wear out their old clothes. + +As a rule, few men care very much for fine clothes for their own sake, +but a love of dress is natural in woman, and one who exhibits +indifference in regard to her personal appearance convicts herself of +either indolence, self-righteousness or pedantry. A woman who has not +some natural taste in dress, who does not take a positive delight in +combinations of colors, who is not fond of fine apparel for its own +sake, is an anomaly. + +Men do not notice details of a woman's dress. Few know enough about the +subject to distinguish cheese-cloth from _point d'esprit_. The +description in detail of a new gown as given in a fashion journal is +about as intelligible to the average man as the inscriptions on an +Assyrian tablet. + +They accept the woman as a whole, and consider her, and what she has on, +as one harmonious, homogeneous, unanalyzable completeness. If you doubt +this ask a man to tell you how a certain lady was dressed at a reception +he attended the evening before. Perhaps he noticed her particularly +while there, and told you at the time that she was becomingly attired. +He may be able to tell you that she wore a pink waist, or that the +prevailing color of her costume was blue, but there his knowledge of the +subject ends. + +While it is true that men give but little thought to the details of a +woman's dress, unless it is conspicuously bad, very many of them know +whether she is becomingly attired or not. While they may have no clear +idea as to whether the material of a gown cost five cents or five +dollars a yard, or whether the gown itself is quite in fashion, they +know whether the owner carries it well, and whether the material, style +and color are becoming to her. Perhaps, on the whole, a man of good +taste is a better judge than a woman as to whether she is becomingly +dressed. This is because they regard the subject from entirely different +standpoints. The stylishly gowned woman is, to the average woman, well +dressed, but not necessarily so to the man. It is a perpetual wonder to +some men why women have not the courage to reject certain combinations +and certain styles of dress that are inharmonious and ugly in +themselves, and, consequently, unbecoming to the one who wears them. + +Years ago certain colors were thought to be becoming to certain types of +women. There was an undisputed tradition in regard to the colors which +the blonde should wear, and also what ones were becoming to the +brunette. This was not a dictate of fashion; it was a fact ascertained +by experience. Of late these traditions have been disregarded by +fashion, and the stylish woman wears any color or combination she +pleases, but often at the sacrifice of her good looks. + +Fashion cannot change the laws of cause and effect--the laws of +harmony--and if the decided brunette chooses to wear colors which are +becoming only to blondes she does it at the expense of half her natural +beauty. Men feel this and wonder what is amiss. + +A few years ago fashion made quite common a style of sailor hat with +diminutive crown made in the shape of an hour-glass. They were ugly in +themselves, and when perched upon the head detracted from the beauty of +any face. Nothing could be more ridiculous than the sight of a stout, +tall girl, with broad hips and prominent features, marching along the +street with her head surmounted by that parody on the most becoming of +all hats for a young woman--the sailor. One at once called to mind the +dice-box which the negro minstrel wears to make himself appear as funny +as possible. One man wittily characterized them as "the hats that wore +corsets." Men never liked them, but thousands of them were worn. + +From a man's point of view it would be far better if women made a more +comprehensive and sensible study of their individual needs in dress and +did not blindly follow the decrees of fashion; if more women would +realize that the garment suitable to a tall, slim figure, is utterly +inappropriate to a stout, short one. When Sara Bernhardt invented the +glove which was to give size and form to her thin and poorly shaped arm, +she recognized the highest aim of fashion. When a woman is in need of a +new hat or bonnet, a man's advice would be: "Hunt the tables until you +find one which, in shape and trimming, is suitable and becoming to you. +Never mind if it is not the very latest style; if it suits your face and +figure, take it, and you will not be sorry." + +In furnishing a room we understand that we should put in it only what +makes the room look better--not what is simply pretty in itself; and if +women would follow a similar plan in dress,--wear only what is becoming +to them, and not wear things, simply because they think them pretty and +fashionable, men would be better pleased. Man is attracted by a woman's +beauty itself, and whether she has just the latest modes or not seldom +interests him in the least. So the girl who would dress to please men, +should, first of all, wear what will show off her natural attractiveness +of face and figure to the best advantage; after that she may be as +fashionable as possible. + +Without doubt many girls attach too much importance to dress as a means +of attracting the other sex. It is frequently the case that, when a +young lady is invited to a social function, her first thought is, "What +shall I wear?" Her second thought is, "What shall I wear?" This question +is with her much of the time until she goes to the place where she is to +be entertained; and as she enters the room her first thought is, "I +wonder how I look." If, upon an examination of the other young ladies +present, she concludes that she is as well dressed as anyone there, she +experiences a feeling of restfulness and of satisfaction, and enjoys the +evening. She imagines she must be an object of interest to the men, and +to an extent she is. + +Men like women to be "well groomed." They take in her whole appearance +at a glance, and then pay but little further attention to the question +of gowns, ribbons, slippers or sashes. They want to be entertained and +amused. If the only preparation a young lady has made to render herself +attractive and interesting is the care bestowed upon her personal +appearance; if her resources for attracting consist only of a pretty +face and a graceful figure in a pretty gown, she will never become +famous for her conquests. + +Simplicity and exquisitely fresh neatness and daintiness are to a man +more attractive than any extravagance of fashion or costliness of +material. No man was ever induced to propose to a girl by the splendor +of her costume. Of course it would be absurd to assert that physical +beauty is of no value, or that dress is of little importance. That girl +who is born physically beautiful, is fortunate indeed, and any girl of +common sense knows that an attractive gown or a becoming hat is of +importance. The great thing for her to understand is that there must be +something better under the becoming hat than a pretty face, for her own +happiness, and if she would be very attractive to others. + +Just as there are some persons who are said to be born magnetic, so some +women are supposed to have a peculiarly attractive way of wearing +clothes which defies imitation. + +Said a writer in the _Springfield Republican_: "There is a subtle +something which one cannot get on the microscopic slide, which refuses +to be reduced to percentages, which baffles description, and that is the +manner in which some women wear their clothes. Two girls with faces of +equal value and garments of identical texture will fail to produce +equivalent effects, because one has this indefinable quality, and the +other has not. Consequently we often hear it said that some girls are +more attractive in calico than others in richer material." + +That there is a marked difference in the way different women wear their +clothes, no one will deny, but because some girls look and appear to +better advantage than others in the same material, is it necessary to +regard it as beyond comprehension, or to declare that it "baffles +description"? The writer did not go far enough in his description of the +two girls. While their faces were of equal value, and their clothing was +of the same material, there might be other differences which would +account for the "indefinable quality." Possibly one was pleasing in +manner and the other not. One was awkward in person and in speech, +while the other was tactful and graceful. One was dull; the other +interesting. The difference was one of physical and mental +characteristics, and not a quality that "baffles description." Indeed it +is a difference easily understood and analyzed. + +If two girls have faces and forms of equal value, and are equally +graceful, tactful and well mannered, their clothes, if of the same form +and material, will be worn in much the same way, and will produce much +the same effect. + + * * * * * + +No man, whatever his position in the world may be, can afford to be +careless about his personal appearance. Dress may not make the man, but +we all form in our minds a very clear idea of what a man is by his +dress. We gain our first impression of persons by what they have on; our +second judgment is formed from their conversation and manner. + +The well dressed man is more attractive to others, and he feels much +better himself than he would if carelessly attired. Have you noticed the +wonderful transformation which takes place in a man when he doffs his +everyday clothes and dons a dress suit? During the day he may have an +untidy and even a slovenly appearance, but as soon as he puts on a well +laundered shirt, a high standing collar, a fresh lawn tie, and a dress +suit, he seems completely changed. He looks from five to ten years +younger, and from his manner you know that he feels younger. He is on +better terms with himself and with the world. + +Every woman likes a man better for being well dressed. She may excuse, +or overlook, carelessness or even slovenliness in his personal +appearance, if she is very fond of him, but she would like him much more +if he were neat and tidy and tasteful. She may forgive his green and +yellow necktie, she may overlook his soiled linen, she may make no +reference to his coat with its collar covered with dust and dandruff; +she may not let him know that she has even noticed any of these things, +but she has. She thinks of them whenever he is with her, and sometimes +when she is away from him, and she wishes he were different. She may +like him in spite of these defects. Women usually like a man in spite of +things. If a man noticed half as many things about a woman that did not +please him, he would never love her at all. + +Leaving out of the question the fact that women like to have men neat +and even elegant in their raiment, no man who is seeking to make his way +in business or in a profession, can afford to be careless about his +clothes. + +"A few men," says _The Lewiston Journal_, "clothed in the serenity of +soul that approaches the insanity of genius can afford to go +illy-clothed. President Lincoln was given free license to wear frock +coats unbecomingly. Horace Greeley could wear a linen duster with grace +and equanimity. But they were unique. They could make fashion look +insignificant, but you and I cannot, if we care to move amid the throng +of busy people seeking passage on the car of progress." + +No better advice has been given to men on the subject of dress than in +an article which appeared in _Success_. A short extract from the article +will close this chapter. + +"Clothes are one of the accepted standards by which men are judged the +world over. They form the chief standard of first impression; so, for +that reason alone, it would be difficult to overestimate their +importance. They show at a glance whether a man is neat or untidy; +careful or careless; methodical or shiftless, and what sort of taste he +has. Nothing else about him reflects so much of his personal +characteristics. So it is not surprising to be told by those who yearly +give employment to thousands of men and boys, that more applicants are +turned away on account of their personal appearance than for all other +reasons put together. But it would surprise some people very much if +they knew how widely this rule is applied. + +The well dressed man is one whose clothes do not make him the object of +comment, either because they are showy or shabby. He never goes to the +extremes of fashion, thereby courting notoriety; he never goes to the +other extreme by paying no attention at all to what he wears or how he +wears it. He is always modest in his attire. He conforms to the +established customs of changing his attire as the occasion demands, +without making himself a slave to reform. He does not always wear +expensive clothes, nor is it at all necessary that he should. But he is +always clean and neat, or, as the present day has it, he is "well +groomed." + + + + +THE OPTIMIST. + + _The habit of looking on the bright side of things is worth far + more than a thousand pounds a year._ + --SAMUEL JOHNSON. + + _"More than half the unhappiness in the world comes from a + person's unwillingness to look on the bright side so long as + a dark side can be discovered."_ + + +We all like the optimist. The bright, cheerful, good-natured fellow, who +always looks through the cloud and sees its silver lining, is as good as +a tonic to our most pessimistic dispositions. If, then, you wish to make +yourself agreeable to others and to yourself, cultivate the habit of +cheerfulness--of always looking on the bright side. Wear a pleasant +countenance; let cheerfulness beam in your eye; let love write its mark +on your forehead, and have kind words and a pleasant greeting for those +whom you meet. Don't forget to say "good morning!" and say it heartily. +Say it to your brothers and sisters, your school-mates, your parents, +your teachers and your friends. Pleasant, hearty greetings cheer the +discouraged, rest the tired, and make the wheels of life run more +smoothly. They clear up the thorny pathways, win friends, and confound +enemies. In fact, it is impossible to resist the influence of +cheerfulness. Let a bright face beam on the darkness of defeat, shine on +the abode of poverty; illumine the chamber of sickness, and how +everything changes under its benign influence. + +Victory becomes possible, competence promises a golden future, and +health is wooed back again. + +On the other hand, you cannot estimate the amount of unhappiness you may +cause by wearing a clouded face and by speaking harsh, unkind words. + +Many persons fret and whine all through life. They never appear to have +a generous impulse. + +"They seem to have come into the world during one of those cold, bleak, +gloomy days, when there was nothing with which to build a fire. They, +apparently, grew up in the same bleak atmosphere, and they live in it +all their lives. You see their smallness in everything they do and say. +You see it in their buying and in their selling, in their talk and in +their actions. They have been well called 'the frogs that constitute +one of the plagues of society.' They have never made one heart glad, nor +shed one ray of sunshine upon man, woman, or child." + +It is just as easy to be kind as to be cross, and as easy to give +pleasure as pain. It costs nothing; it is a smile, an appreciative word, +a mention of what one likes to hear spoken of rather than an irritating +reference. + +If your minister has preached a sermon that interested and helped you, +tell him so. It will encourage and cheer him, and he will try to give +you still better sermons in the future. Remember that the preacher is +much more human than most people think, and that no man more highly +prizes the genuine, manly word of good cheer, sympathy and affection. If +your grocer has sold you something that was particularly good, tell him +so. No doubt you have often found fault with the tea and the flour and +the meat; then why not surprise him by letting him know that you +appreciate a good thing when you get it. + +Perhaps you have children who are attending the public schools. Perhaps +their teacher by patience, tact, and the expenditure of much nerve +force, has succeeded in interesting them in their studies as they have +never been before. Don't you think it would stimulate her to still +greater effort if you should say to her when you meet: "My children are +doing well at school this term. They like you and are interested in +their work." No doubt you have often severely criticised teachers, +methods, and school management, and you have been very free with your +words of condemnation. Why not help a little by some expression of +approval if you can honestly do so. + +Give pleasure to your wife, if you have one. Notice her painstaking +efforts to make home comfortable; compliment her dinner and show that +you appreciate the thousand things she does for your comfort. There is +no greater exhibition of heroic fortitude than is seen in one who dwells +in a cheerless home she does her best to brighten, and who wears away +the years in an unsatisfied desire for words and tokens of love and +sympathy which never come to her. + +Do not be afraid of giving something of yourself, of letting yourself +out a little; and do not fear that your heart will run away with your +head. Do not confound sentiment with sentimentalism, and do not hesitate +to praise a thing or an act if it is really worthy of it. You need to do +this for your own sake as well as for the sake of making others happy. + +"For my own sake," you say. "In what way will it help me if I bestow +praise upon another?" Praise, when it is deserved, is of more +importance to the giver than the receiver. + +"Praise does not immediately affect the merit of him to whom it is +awarded," said a writer recently, "but it does immediately affect the +merit of him to whom its awarding belongs. If a man deserves praise he +is quite as much of a man without it as with it; but no man can be so +much of a man, nor seem so much of a man, while withholding just praise +as while bestowing it." + +In little matters as well as in large ones, to acknowledge the merit of +others is a duty, the performance of which is even more important to the +one who owes it, than to the one to whom it is owed. We do not fail to +express our appreciation of heroic deeds, but it is in the common, +everyday life that the words of appreciation are most sorely needed, and +too seldom spoken. Many a woman would have been greatly cheered and +helped over many hard places, if, while living, she could have heard +half as many nice things said to her by those she loved, as were put +into her funeral sermon and obituary notice. + +There is, of course, a great difference between the expression of a due +and delicate appreciation of merit, and that false and exaggerated +praise which is dictated by the desire to flatter. The former is always +received with pleasure, but the latter wounds the susceptibility of +those on whom it is lavished. To a mind rightly constituted, there are +few things more painful than undeserved, or even excessive commendation. +Flattery is never excusable; deserved praise should never be withheld. + +Do not be a grumbler. Is there any person more unwelcome than the +chronic growler? When we meet him he begins by growling about the +weather; then you are entertained with a long account of his aches and +pains, his trials and his losses. Nothing pleases him. His neighbors are +dishonest, church members are hypocrites, public officials are, in his +estimation, all rascals, law makers are corrupt, and the country is +going to the dogs. If you speak in commendation of an individual, he at +once attempts to belittle him in your estimation. If you praise a cause +or an institution, he is sure to find fault with what you say. He wishes +your sympathy for his troubles, but he has none to give. + +We all crave sympathy, but, if we are not careful, we may exhaust the +patience, even of our best friends, with the recital of our troubles. If +your aches and pains are ever so bad, the best advice for you is "grin +and bear it." It is all very well to be an interesting invalid for a +short time. Your neighbors will bring you in good things to eat, and +your friends will bring you pretty flowers to look at, and books to +read, but do not remain too long in bed if you can help it, and do not +wear too long and sad a face when you are recovering. It will not +relieve your pain at all to tell everyone you meet how much you suffer, +and when your friends have sympathized with you a dozen times they +become a little tired of it. This advice is worthy of practice, not for +the sake of your friends only, but for your own. The burden cheerfully +borne becomes light, and any physician knows that the hopeful, cheerful +patient has many more chances of recovery than the despondent one. In +the lives of us all there are hours of anxiety, disappointment, pain and +vexation; seasons of trial that are to be met only with stubborn +patience. Greatness of soul is tested by the serenity with which these +inevitable ills are borne and finally overcome. The little mind will +fret and chafe and fume over little things, even as the petty stream +over its narrow, pebbly bed, while the deep, strong river moves swiftly +and silently over the boulders that lie at its bottom. + +"But," you say, "while the advice is good it is very hard to follow it." +Yes, but it is really harder not to heed it. "The bird that beats +against the iron bars of its cage suffers more than the patient +captive." + +Laugh all you can. It is good for you. Physicians tell us that laughing +has a direct and positive effect upon one's health. The physical +movement caused by a hearty laugh causes the arteries to dilate and the +flow of blood to hasten, thus promoting an acceleration of vital +processes; and a mental action through stimulating the blood vessels of +the brain. He who administers medicine in the shape of wit and humor to +the sad heart is most assuredly a "good Samaritan." + +The irresistible, good-humored philosophy of Mark Twain has relieved the +depression and sorrow of multitudes. He has compelled us to laugh, and +his mission in the world has been a beneficent one. A cheerful face is +as good for an invalid as pleasant weather. Cheerfulness is health, +melancholy is disease. Cheerfulness is just as natural to the heart of a +man in sound moral and physical health as color to his cheeks, and +wherever we see habitual gloom we may be sure there is something +radically wrong in the animal economy or the moral sense. + +Sydney Smith once gave a lady two-and-twenty receipts against +melancholy. One was a bright fire; another, to remember all the pleasant +things said to her; another, to keep a box of sugar plums on the chimney +piece and a kettle simmering on the hob. These are trivial things in +themselves but life is made up of these little pleasures and none +should be neglected because of their seemingly trifling nature. + +If our temperament does not make us naturally cheerful, we can, at +least, cultivate those habits of body and mind which seem most favorable +to the growth of this condition. We can keep the mind open to cheerful +impressions, and close it to those that are gloomy. It is far better to +magnify our blessings than to depreciate them. The Spaniard of whom +Southey tells that he always put on his magnifying glasses when he ate +cherries, in order to make them seem larger, had the true philosophy of +life. So the ancient Pompeiians seem to have well understood the art of +making the most of everything. Their gardens were very small, but by +painting the surrounding walls with plants and landscapes their little +area became indefinitely enlarged to the eye of the observer. + + + + +PERSONAL PECULIARITIES. + + _"Eccentricity may be harmless, but it never can be commendable; + it is one of the children of that prolific failing--vanity. And + whether it shows in feeling, manners, or peculiarities of dress, + it is clearly acted upon from the presumptuous supposition that + the many are in the wrong, the individual in the right."_ + + _Society will pardon much to genius and special gifts, but, being + in its nature a convention, it loves what is conventional or what + belongs to coming together. That makes the good and bad of + manners, namely, what helps or hinders fellowship._ + EMERSON. + + +We all know that the outward address of a person has great influence +upon his success both in the social and the business world. Thousands of +men and women are, in their efforts to please, hindered by some +personal peculiarity which is painfully apparent to other people, but of +which they themselves seem wholly ignorant. Thousands of professional +and business men are prevented from attaining the success they might +reach by some infelicity of manner or speech which could be remedied by +a little painstaking effort. + +Here is a physician who has prepared himself thoroughly for his +profession by years of hard study and by the expenditure of a +considerable sum of money, but he knows little of human nature, and but +little of the requirements of good society. He has no tact, and has not +thought it necessary to cultivate that quality. He is cold and +unsympathetic. He has no ability to make friends or to keep them. He is +not sociable, and he does not make himself agreeable to his patients by +those little kindly acts and sympathetic speeches so comforting to +invalids. He feels that he is well prepared to practice his profession, +and he regards any personal defects as of little importance. Other men +of less ability, but with more tact, soon outstrip him in the race for +public favor. He never succeeds in acquiring a large practice, and, +possibly, never knows the reason why. + +A young man applies for a position as a teacher. He is well equipped in +scholarship for the place he wishes, for he led his class in college, +and he comes highly recommended as a young man of integrity and +earnestness. After a short interview the superintendent of schools +decides that he is not the man for the position and the applicant goes +away disappointed. Why was he rejected? Not by reason of poor +scholarship, nor for lack of moral character, but simply on account of +his personal appearance. He was untidy in his dress. His linen was +soiled, his coat was not brushed, his cuffs were frayed at the edges, +while his finger-nails gave evidence that he was habitually careless +about personal neatness and cleanliness. The superintendent decided at +once that he did not want him, and the young man did not know why. + +Here is a young woman who is fine looking, intelligent and accomplished. +Apparently she possesses all those qualities which are necessary to make +her a favorite in society and she seems to deserve a host of friends. +Yet she is not greatly sought after by her acquaintances, and she has +few firm friends. Young men pay her but little attention, and seem +afraid of her. Other girls, less brilliant intellectually, with fewer +accomplishments, and with plainer faces, are far greater favorites in +society. Her particular weakness is that she has allowed herself to +fall into the practice of employing sarcasm to an extent which is +offensive to those with whom she talks. She has a habit of saying +disagreeable, biting things in a humorous way, and she never suspects +that people are hurt by them. She has cultivated the habit to such a +degree that she can always raise a laugh at some person's expense, and +she is constantly on the watch for opportunities to exercise this +accomplishment. Finally it dawns upon her that she does not hold her +friends; that she is sometimes slighted in the matter of invitations; +that she is not a popular girl, and she doesn't know why. + +A certain clergyman is a fine preacher, capable of attracting, +instructing, and inspiring the most cultivated audiences, but he is shut +out from his proper sphere of usefulness and influence, and prevented +from reaching the position for which his endowments qualify him, by a +matter which might seem trifling in itself, but which has become +offensive through its persistent hold upon him. He exhibits a lack of +proper deference to the feelings of others, an arrogant and +unsympathetic tone of voice, and sometimes yields, under opposition, to +unrestrained violence of language. He betrays his weakness every time +anyone crosses his plans and desires. It seems hard for him to +understand that others have an equal right to their preference and +opinions. He forgets that while it is easy to be amiable when everyone +agrees with him, the test of character is in keeping the temper sweet +and reasonable when people differ from him and criticise him. He +understands his power to move audiences; he is told by persons competent +to judge that his sermons are superior; he knows that in higher +intellectual qualities he surpasses many other clergymen who secure and +retain prominent positions; yet the painful truth is forced upon him +that his services as a pastor are not sought for, while inferior +preachers are selected for places of power and influence. + +A man goes into trade. He is a shrewd buyer, energetic, honest, and +keeps a good assortment of goods, but he is not obliging to customers. +He is short and crusty in his speech, irritable and sometimes almost +rude in his manner; consequently he does not hold his patrons. They +leave him, one by one, and do their purchasing at other stores where +they receive polite attention. The merchant does not prosper in +business, and he never knows why. + +Here is a woman who prides herself upon her plain speaking. She boasts +that when she has anything to say she is willing to say it to one's +face, and not behind one's back. She thinks it is a mark of sincerity +and frankness to say disagreeable things and to bring one's infirmities +to the surface. Her tendencies finally become fixed habits. She finds +herself shunned by her acquaintances, and she does not know why. + +Then there is the loquacious woman, the woman who monopolizes the +conversation, the woman who has an apparent contempt for paragraph and +punctuation. No matter what the topic of conversation may be, she at +once takes the management of it into her own hands, and the other +members of the company are made to feel at once that they are expected +to be only listeners. The loquacious woman may talk well--she often +does--but she fails to understand that there may be such a thing as too +much even of good things, and so she talks on and on, with an utter +disregard for the rights and the comfort of those around her. + +A professional man, who possesses much intellectual force and +originality, takes pride in his unconventionality in the matter of +dress. His garments are so far from the prevailing style that they +attract attention and invite comment. He does not realize that the man +who rebels against fashion may be open even more to the imputation of +vanity than he who obeys it, because he makes himself conspicuous, and +practically announces that he is wiser than his associates. An +affectation of superior simplicity is vulgarity. + +Stop a moment and recall twenty men and women of your acquaintance. You +will probably remember that two-thirds of them have some peculiarity, +some defect of speech or manner which detracts from their social and +business success, or from their usefulness. One is a gossip; another +possesses a hasty temper, while a third is intellectually dishonest, +never yielding his position, even under the most absolute proof that he +is in the wrong. One of your friends is a pessimist, and is continually +attempting to convert you to his point of view, while his wife is so +inquisitive that you at once become nervous when you perceive her +approach. A young woman of your acquaintance would be a most charming +person if she did not laugh too much. A conversation with her is, upon +her part, a perpetual giggle. + +These may generally be good, intelligent, and, in many respects, +charming people, but unfortunately they are hampered by these +deficiencies. They have become so unconscious of these personal traits +that, doubtless, they would be greatly surprised were their attention +called to them. The effect of these shortcomings upon others is, +however, just as unfortunate as if they were intentionally retained and +nourished, for we usually regard the outward manner as a true index of +the inward emotion. + +If so many of our acquaintances display idiosyncrasies that affect us +disagreeably, is it not possible that we too may be harboring some +remediable evil of temper, some superable infirmity of manner or of +speech which is a bar to our own usefulness, because distressing to +those with whom we are thrown? + +Let us think about this. + + + + +SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES + + FOR + + THE MAN WHO WOULD PLEASE AND + THE WOMAN WHO WOULD CHARM. + + +A gentleman makes no noise; a lady is serene. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +So I talked a great deal and found myself infinitely pleased with +Brandon's conversational powers, which were rare; being no less than the +capacity for saying nothing, and listening politely to an indefinite +deal of the same thing, in another form, from me. + + CHARLES MAJOR. + + * * * * * + +Talk about those subjects you have had long in your mind, and listen to +what others say about subjects you have studied but recently. Knowledge +and timber should not be much used till they are seasoned. + + O. W. HOLMES. + + * * * * * + +A beautiful form is better than a beautiful face; a beautiful behavior +is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues +or pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +Believe nothing against another but on good authority, nor report what +may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to another to conceal it. + + WILLIAM PENN. + + * * * * * + +"Life is like a mirror. It reflects the face you bring to it. Look out +lovingly upon the world, and the world will look lovingly in upon you." + + * * * * * + +But it is mostly my own dreams I talk of, and that will somewhat excuse +me for talking of dreams at all. Everyone knows how delightful the +dreams are that one dreams one's self, and how insipid the dreams of +others are. I had an illustration of this fact not many evenings ago, +when a company of us got telling dreams. I had by far the best dreams of +any; to be quite frank, mine were the only dreams worth listening to; +they were richly imaginative, delicately fantastic, exquisitely +whimsical, and humorous in the last degree; and I wondered that when the +rest could have listened to them they were always eager to cut in with +some silly, senseless, tasteless thing, that made me sorry and ashamed +for them. I shall not be going too far if I say that it was on their +part the grossest betrayal of vanity that I ever witnessed. + + WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS. + + * * * * * + +"There is a great mistake in supposing that giving is concerned only +with material benefits. These form indeed but a small part of its +mission. Whoever creates happiness, whether by a kindly greeting, or +tender sympathy, or inspiring presence, or stimulating thought, is as +true a giver as he who empties his purse to feed the hungry." + + * * * * * + +Politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any or +all other good qualities or talents. Without them no knowledge, no +perfection whatever, is seen in its best light. The scholar, without +good breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; the soldier a +brute; and every man, disagreeable. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"Tact, though partly a natural gift, is a good deal indebted to +education and early habits. The superiority of one sex to the other in +this respect will often be found to depend on art quite as much as upon +nature." + + * * * * * + +"Never is silence more eloquent than when it is preserved toward persons +older than ourselves when they voice opinions long since proven +erroneous. Age doesn't like to be contradicted, right or wrong." + + * * * * * + +In the supremacy of self-control consists one of the perfections of the +ideal man: not to be impulsive, not to be spurred hither and thither by +each desire that in turn comes uppermost; but to be restrained, +self-balanced, governed by the joint decision of the feelings in council +assembled, before whom every action shall have been fully debated and +calmly determined. + + HERBERT SPENCER. + + * * * * * + +In the exhaustless catalogue of heaven's mercies to mankind, the power +we have of finding some germs of comfort in the hardest trials must ever +occupy the foremost place; not only because it supports and upholds us +when we most require to be sustained, but because in this source of +consolation there is something, we have every reason to believe, of the +Divine Spirit; something which, even in our fallen nature we possess in +common with the angels. + + DICKENS. + + * * * * * + +"When you bury animosity don't set up a headstone over its grave." + + * * * * * + +I don't never hav truble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep +other pholks straight iz what bothers me. + + JOSH BILLINGS. + + * * * * * + +"Hundreds of the most agreeable persons in fashionable society are those +who are content to be taught the things they already know." + + * * * * * + +It is better to return a dropped fan genteelly than give a thousand +pounds awkwardly; you had better refuse a favor gracefully than grant it +clumsily. All your Greek can never advance you from secretary to envoy, +or from envoy to embassador, but your address, your air, your manner, if +good, may. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"The art of not hearing should be learned by all. It is fully as +important to domestic happiness as a cultivated ear, for which both +money and time are expended. There are so many things which it is +painful to hear, so many which we ought not to hear, so very many which +if heard will disturb the temper, corrupt simplicity and modesty, +detract from contentment and happiness that everyone should be educated +to take in or shut out sounds according to his or her pleasure." + + _Once A Week._ + + * * * * * + +"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and +deeds left undone. She never knew how I loved her. He never knew what he +was to me. I always meant to make more of your friendship. I did not +know what he was to me till he was gone. Such are the poisoned arrows +which cruel death shoots back at us from the door of the sepulchre." + + * * * * * + +We are only really alive when we enjoy the good will of others. + + GOETHE. + + * * * * * + +A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. + + GEORGE ELIOT. + + * * * * * + +"Power hath not one-half the might of gentleness." + + * * * * * + +Manner is of importance. A kind no is often more agreeable than a rough +yes. + + BENGEL. + + * * * * * + +We are always clever with those who imagine we think as they do. To be +shallow you must differ from people; to be profound you must agree with +them. + + BULWER. + + * * * * * + +If you want to spoil all that God gives you; if you want to be miserable +yourself and a maker of misery to others, the way is easy enough. Only +be selfish, and it is done at once. + + CHARLES KINGSLEY. + + * * * * * + +Language was given us that we might say pleasant things. + + BOVEE. + + * * * * * + +"The specially social qualities are good nature, amiability, the desire +to please, and the kindness of heart that avoids giving offence. A good +natured person may frankly disagree with you, but he never offends." + + * * * * * + +Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +Pride of origin, whether high or low, springs from the same principle of +human nature; one is but the positive, the other the negative pole of a +single weakness. + + LOWELL. + + * * * * * + +The best possible impression that you can make by your dress is to make +no separate impression at all; but so to harmonize its material and +shape with your personality, that it becomes tributary in the general +effect, and so exclusively tributary that people cannot tell after +seeing you what kind of clothes you wear. + + J. G. HOLLAND. + + * * * * * + +Nothing is more dangerous than to paint men as they are when by chance +they are not as handsome as they would wish to be. + + EDMOND ABOUT. + + * * * * * + +"Borrow trouble if you have not enough already." + + * * * * * + +Refinement creates beauty everywhere. + + HAZLITT. + + * * * * * + +"A lady may always judge of the estimation in which she is held by the +conversation which is addressed to her." + + * * * * * + +Some people cannot drive to happiness with four horses, and others can +reach the goal on foot. + + THACKERAY. + + * * * * * + +"The clown who excites the multitudes to mirth is more a benefactor than +the conqueror who drapes a thousand homes in mourning." + + * * * * * + +"Tact is the art of putting yourself in another's place, and being quick +about it." + + * * * * * + +"It pays 100 per cent. to be polite to everyone, from the garbage +gatherer to the governor." + + * * * * * + +"If you wish that your own merit should be recognized, recognize the +merits of others." + + * * * * * + +"If you cannot be happy in one way, be happy in another; and this +facility of disposition wants but little aid from philosophy, for health +and good humor are almost the whole affair. Many run about after +felicity, like an absent man hunting for his hat while it is on his head +or in his hand. Such persons want nothing to make them the happiest +people in the world but the knowledge that they are so." + + * * * * * + +"An Atchison woman, who three days ago was considered the most popular +woman in town, has not one friend left; instead of sympathizing with her +friends, as she has heretofore, she began telling them her troubles." + + _Atchison Globe._ + + * * * * * + +It is the characteristic of folly to discern the faults of others and to +forget one's own. + + CICERO. + + * * * * * + +What is it to be a gentleman? It is to be honest, to be gentle, to be +generous, to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, +to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner. + + THACKERAY. + + * * * * * + + _Teach me to feel another's woe, + To hide the fault I see; + That mercy I to others show, + That mercy show to me._ + POPE. + + * * * * * + +"The Persians say of noisy, unreasonable talk: 'I hear the noise of the +mill-stone, but I see no meal.'" + + * * * * * + +We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain. + + ALGER. + + * * * * * + +It is much easier to be critical than correct. + + BEACONSFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"'I am busy, Johnnie, and can't help it,' said the father, writing away +when the little fellow hurt his finger. 'Yes, you could--you might have +said oh!' sobbed Johnnie. There's a Johnnie in tears inside all of us +upon occasions." + + REV. W. C. GANNETT. + + * * * * * + +"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but +you may prevent them from stopping to build their nests there." + + * * * * * + +In general society one should always avoid discussions upon two +subjects--religion and politics. In a discussion upon either of these +subjects you will find very little intellectual honesty, and it will +almost invariably lead to irritating differences of opinion. + + * * * * * + +A gentleman is one who understands and shows every mark of deference to +the claims of self-love in others and exacts it in return from them. + + HAZLITT. + + * * * * * + +"There is no real conflict between truth and politeness; what is +imagined to be such is only the crude mistake of those who fail to +discover their harmony. Politeness, taken in its best sense, is the +graceful expression of respect, kind feeling, and good will." + + * * * * * + +"Beloved among women is she who, having warned a friend of the +consequences to follow rash doings, will, when her prophecies have +come true, withhold the triumphant: I told you so!" + + _Boston Journal._ + + * * * * * + +"No one loses by politeness to, or by the trifling exercise of apparent +pleasure in a caller. While I have no wish to counsel insincerity, there +is a wide difference between that offensive veneer and the pure metal of +consideration for the feelings of a stranger within one's gate." + + + +LADY BELLAIR'S ADVICE TO GIRLS. + + +WHAT TO AVOID. + +A loud, weak, affected, whining, harsh or shrill tone of voice. +Extravagances in conversation--such phrases as "Awfully this," "Beastly +that," "Loads of time," "Don't you know," "Hate" for "dislike," etc. + +Sudden exclamations of annoyance, surprise and joy,--often dangerously +approaching to "female swearing"--as "Bother!" "Gracious!" "How jolly!" + +Yawning when listening to anyone. + +Talking on family matters, even to bosom friends. + +Attempting any vocal or instrumental piece of music that you cannot +execute with ease. + +Crossing your letters. + +Making a sharp, short nod with the head, intended to do duty as a bow. + + +WHAT TO CULTIVATE. + +An unaffected, low, distinct, silver-toned voice. + +The art of pleasing those around you, and seeming pleased with them and +all they may do for you. + +The charm of making little sacrifices quite naturally, as if of no +account to yourself. + +The habit of making allowances for the opinions, feelings, or prejudices +of others. + +An erect carriage--that is, a sound body. + +A good memory for faces, and facts connected with them--thus avoiding +giving offence through not recognizing or bowing to people, or saying to +them what had best been left unsaid. + +The art of listening without impatience to prosy talkers, and smiling at +the twice-told tale or joke. + + * * * * * + +"He who would see his sons and daughters thoroughly and truly gentle, +must forbid selfishness of action, rudeness of speech, carelessness of +forms, impoliteness of conduct from the first, and demand that in +childhood and the nursery shall be laid the foundation of that good +breeding which is as a jewel of price to the mature man and woman." + + * * * * * + +"Many persons consider that 'bad temper' is entirely voluntary on the +part of the person who displays it. As a matter of fact it is often, to +a very great extent, involuntary, and no one is more angry at it than +the bad tempered person himself. Of course everyone, whether he is born +with a bad temper or has acquired one from habit, or has been visited +with one as the result of disease or injury, should at least try to +control it. But his friends should also bear in mind that bad temper may +be, and often is, an affliction to be sympathized with, not an offence +to be punished." + + _Once A Week._ + + * * * * * + +There are some people so given over to the pettiness of fault-picking, +that if they should suddenly see the handwriting on the wall, they would +disregard its awful warning in their eager haste to point out its +defective penmanship. + + BRANDER MATTHEWS. + + * * * * * + +"We are all dissatisfied. The only difference is that some of us sit +down in the squalor of our dissatisfaction, while others make a ladder +of it." + + * * * * * + +Mrs. Julia Ward Howe said, in speaking of Longfellow, that "his personal +charm was in a delicateness of mind that was truly cosmopolitan; he had +a vivid appreciation of what was beautiful and noble, and he represented +the purest taste and the most perfect feeling." Was there ever given a +finer definition of a gentleman? + + * * * * * + +"Set a watch over thy mouth, and keep the door of thy lips, for a +tale-bearer is worse than a thief." + + THE BIBLE. + + * * * * * + +"He submits to be seen through a microscope who suffers himself to be +caught in a passion." + + * * * * * + +"It isn't what you wear in this life, gentlemen; it is how you wear it. +It isn't so much what you do; it is how you do it. There are people who +do tasteful things vulgarly, and vulgar things tastefully. Who was it +that + + _'Kicked them downstairs with such very fine grace, + They thought he was handing them up'?_ + +"A sense of humor is one of the most precious gifts that can be +vouchsafed to a human being. He is not necessarily a better man for +having it, but he is a happier one. It renders him indifferent to good +or bad fortune. It enables him to enjoy his own discomfiture. Blessed +with this sense, he is never unduly elated or cast down. No one can +ruffle his temper. No abuse disturbs his equanimity. Bores do not bore +him. Humbugs do not humbug him. Solemn airs do not impose on him. +Sentimental gush does not influence him. The follies of the moment have +no hold on him." + + _Boston Journal._ + + * * * * * + +There is always a best way of doing everything, if it be but to boil an +egg. Manners are the happy way of doing things; each one the stroke of +genius or of love--now repeated and hardened into usage. Your manners +are always under examination, and by committees little suspected--a +police in citizen's clothes--but are awarding or denying you very high +prizes when you least think of it. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +My experience of life makes me sure of one truth, which I do not try to +explain; that the sweetest happiness we ever know, the very wine of +human life, comes not from love, but from sacrifice--from the effort to +make others happy. This is as true to me as that my flesh will burn if I +touch red-hot metal. + + JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY. + + * * * * * + +"A wise man will turn adverse criticism and malicious attacks to good +account. He will consider carefully whether there is not in him some +weakness or fault which, although he never discovered, was plain to the +eye of his enemy. Many men profit more by the assaults of foes than by +the kindness of friends." + + * * * * * + +"Politeness is like an air cushion: there may be nothing in it, but it +eases our jolts wonderfully." + + * * * * * + +Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say +disagreeable things to your intimates. On the contrary, the nearer you +come into relation with a person the more necessary do tact and courtesy +become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend +to learn unpleasant truths from his enemies: they are ready enough to +tell them. Good breeding never forgets that _amour-propre_ is universal. + + O. W. HOLMES. + + * * * * * + +Whatever our disbeliefs, most of us profoundly believe in goodness; and +we incline to believe that a man who has practically learned the secret +of noble living has somehow got near the truth of things. + + GEO. S. MERRIAM. + + * * * * * + +"A man's bad temper sometimes does more toward spoiling a dinner than a +woman's bad cooking." + + * * * * * + + _Her voice was ever soft, + Gentle and low; an excellent thing in + Woman._ + + SHAKESPEARE. + + * * * * * + +True politeness is perfect ease and freedom. It simply consists in +treating others just as you love to be treated yourself. + + CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one, no more +right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down. + + JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + + How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, + Is that fine sense which men call courtesy! + Wholesome as air and genial as the light, + Welcome in every clime as breath of flowers,---- + It transmutes aliens into trusting friends, + And gives its owner passport round the globe. + + J. T. FIELDS. + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + +1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_. + +2. Punctuation errors have been corrected without note. + +3. The following misprints have been corrected: + "repuation" corrected to "reputation" (page 2) + "sympatheic" corrected to "sympathetic" (page 38) + "Stael" corrected to "Staël" (page 59) + +4. Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies +in spelling and hyphenation have been retained. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who +Charms, by John A. 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