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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/35761-8.txt b/35761-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c5afb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/35761-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3582 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who Charms, by +John A. Cone + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who Charms + +Author: John A. Cone + +Release Date: April 3, 2011 [EBook #35761] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAN WHO PLEASES, WOMAN WHO CHARMS *** + + + + +Produced by Heather Clark and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + THE MAN WHO PLEASES + AND + THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS + + BY + JOHN A. CONE + + "Look out lovingly upon the world and the + world will look lovingly in upon you." + + HINDS & NOBLE, Publishers + 31-33-35 WEST 15TH STREET, NEW YORK CITY + + _Schoolbooks of all publishers at one store_ + + + + _Third printing, February, 1904._ + + Copyright, 1901. + by + JOHN A. CONE, + in the + United States + and + Great Britain. + Entered at Stationer's Hall, + London. + + All Rights Reserved. + + + + TO + MY MOTHER. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + THE MAN WHO PLEASES 1 + THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS 16 + THE ART OF CONVERSATION 29 + GOOD ENGLISH 37 + TACT IN CONVERSATION 48 + THE COMPLIMENT OF ATTENTION 57 + THE VOICE 65 + GOOD MANNERS 73 + DRESS 84 + THE OPTIMIST 97 + PERSONAL PECULIARITIES 106 + SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES 114 + + + + +PREFACE. + + +The makers of books have been divided into two classes--the creators and +the collectors. In preparing this volume the author has made no claim to +a place in the first division, for he has been, to a great extent, only +a collector. The facts which the book contains are familiar to +intelligent people, and the only excuse offered for presenting them in a +new dress is that we need to be reminded often of some truths with which +we are most familiar. + +In our daily intercourse with one another, we may forget to render to +others that thoughtfulness and attention which we exact from them. + +We all know that the essence of courtesy is the purpose, in speech and +manner, to be agreeable, attractive, and lovable, to awaken by our +presence happy impressions in another. We all understand this, but we so +easily forget it, or, at least, forget to put it into practice. + +Courtesy is not the least of the Christian virtues, and it should be +studied as an art. + +The reader is requested to accept these chapters in the spirit in which +they were prepared. They are not profound psychological studies, or even +original essays, but only a bringing together of simple, yet important +truths, which are of concern to us all. Possibly they may be of some +help--"Lest we forget,----" + + + + +THE MAN WHO PLEASES. + + _The dearest friend to me, the kindest man, + The best-conditioned and unwearied spirit + In doing courtesies._ + MERCHANT OF VENICE. + + _He hath a daily beauty in his life._ + OTHELLO. + + _Such a man would win any woman in the world if a' could get her + good will._ + MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. + + +There are few subjects of deeper interest to men and women than that of +personal fascination, or what is sometimes called "personal magnetism." +We commonly talk about it as though it were some mysterious quality of +which no definite account could be given. + +"A man is fascinating," we say, "he is born magnetic; he has an +indefinable charm which cannot be analyzed or understood," and, with the +term "naturally magnetic," we hand the matter over to the world of +mystery. + +Is this quality of so bewildering a nature that it cannot be understood, +or will a study of those men and women who possess preëminently the +power of pleasing show us the secret of their influence, and prove to us +that the gift of fascination is not, necessarily, innate, but that it +can, to a great degree, be acquired? + +Will we not find that what appears to be the perfection of naturalness +is often but the perfection of culture? + +From all our well-known public men who have won the reputation of being +"naturally magnetic," perhaps we could not select a better example than +James G. Blaine. With the possible exception of Henry Clay, no other +political leader in our history, under all circumstances, had so devoted +and determined a following. Both Clay and Blaine possessed sympathetic +and affectionate dispositions, and both understood human nature and the +art of pleasing. It may be said that Mr. Blaine's popularity was due, in +a great measure, to the brilliant and attractive nature of his public +service, and this was, no doubt, true to a certain extent. No man knew +better than he the importance of making the most of opportunities for +dramatic and sensational display, and his methods of statesmanship were +always calculated to please the multitude. + +His greatest power, however, was manifested in his winning men by direct +and individual contact. One thing which assisted him in this direction +was the fact that he was, perhaps, the most courteous of all the public +men of his generation. Whenever a stranger was introduced to him, a +hearty handshake, a look of interest and an attentive and cordial manner +assured him that Mr. Blaine was very glad to see him. If they chanced to +meet again, after months or even years, the man was delighted to find +that Mr. Blaine not only remembered his name, but that he had seemed to +treasure even the most trivial recollections of their short +acquaintance. He had a marvellous memory for faces and names, and he +understood the value of this gift. + +This ability to remember faces is not difficult to acquire. We could all +possess it if we would make sufficient effort. No two figures or +countenances are precisely alike, and it is by noting how they differ +one from another that you will remember them. + +In explaining his own remarkable memory for faces, Thomas B. Reed once +said to a reporter that he never looked a man in the face that some +striking peculiarity, a line, a wrinkle, an expression about the eye, +the set of the lips, the shape of the nose, something set that man's +face down in his mind indelibly, and distinguished him from the rest of +mankind. + +Blaine carefully trained himself to pick out some feature or peculiarity +by which he could distinguish one face or person from all others and by +which he could associate the name of the individual. + +The ability to remember names and faces is one of the most valuable +accomplishments for the man in public life, or, indeed, for any man or +woman who wishes social success. Not only does it insure comfort to +one's self, but it is especially pleasing to others. Next to the comfort +of being able to address by name and without hesitation a person one has +met but once, and without mistake, is the comfort of being recognized +one's self. + +Another reason why Mr. Blaine was popular with the masses was because he +was not difficult to approach, and he never missed a chance to be useful +to a person who might some time, in turn, be useful to him. + +The _St. Louis Globe-Democrat_ said shortly after his death: "It was not +the habit of Mr. Blaine to wait for men to seek favors from him. He +anticipated their desires, and doubled their obligations to him by +doing voluntarily what might have been delayed for solicitation. That +gave him the kind of popularity which outlasts defeat and resists all +ordinary influences of criticism and hostility. He could always count +upon a certain measure of unflinching and unconditional support, +whatever forces happened to be arrayed against him; and he changed +bitter enemies into zealous friends with a facility that was a source of +constant surprise and wonder." + +But why should his success in attracting others to himself be a source +of "surprise and wonder"? + +Mr. Blaine, in common with many other magnetic men and women, understood +that the secret of personal fascination lies in one single point; that +is, "in the power to excite in another person happy feelings of a high +degree of intensity, and to make that person identify such feelings with +the charm and power of the cherished cause of them." + +Any quality, good or evil, that enables a man to do this, renders him +fascinating, whether he be saint or sinner. Indeed, some of the men who +have been the most skilful in the art of pleasing have been scoundrels. + +Said a writer in the _Boston Herald_: "It used to be said of Aaron +Burr--so irresistible in charm of manner was the man--that he could +never stop at the stand of the ugliest old crone of an apple-woman, +without leaving on her mind when he went away the conviction that he +regarded her as the fairest and most gracious of her sex. And so, had +woman suffrage prevailed in his day, he would have had the solid vote of +the apple-women for any office he might aspire to." + +Aaron Burr clearly understood that the woman does not exist who is +wholly without sentiment, and he always appealed to that part of a +woman's nature. + +He understood very well the truth of these words written by Croly: "In +the whole course of my life I never met a woman, from the flat-nosed and +ebony-colored inhabitant of the tropics to the snow-white and sublime +divinity of a Greek isle, without a touch of romance; repulsiveness +could not conceal it, age could not extinguish it, viscissitude could +not change it. I have found it in all times and places, like a spring of +fresh water, starting up even from the flint, cheering the cheerless, +softening the insensible, renovating the withered; a secret whisper in +the ear of every woman alive that to the last, affection might flutter +its rosy pinions around her brow." + +Burr, understanding this, left in the mind of the apple-woman the firm +impression that he thought she must have been at one time a duchess, +reduced in fortune by some accident, and now driven to the last refuge +of an apple-stand, and that those sad facts evidently accounted for the +traits of high breeding and delicate refinement so visible through all +her present poverty. + +He understood the fact that all people live in two distinct worlds--the +world of reality and the world of imagination. In the world of reality +they use brooms and shovels, wash floors and dishes, or sell apples; in +the other, they live in drawing rooms, feast sumptuously and are the +wonder and admiration of mankind. + +"Few people," continues the writer in the _Herald_, "would believe that +an ugly, dilapidated looking apple-woman could dwell in the enchanted +realm of imagination just as much as the rich and favored do. But Burr +believed it, so when he spoke to the old crone, he went up, not to her +withered and beggarly self, but to her ideal self, imaginatively +entering into the duchess dream in her, and instinctively became +deferential in his bearing. + +"Forthwith the duchess in her came out to meet the courtly gentleman in +him, and greetings were exchanged as between two incognito scions of +noble lineage. Each enjoyed the meeting, each had vividness enough of +imagination to impart to it the flavor of reality, and to keep out of +sight common, material facts." + +"But," you say, "not every man can make such an impression, for few are +able to do and say things with the ease and grace of a Burr. There must +be a naturalness of manner which never suggests suspicion. Let the +average man attempt to force his nature and to manufacture smiles and +looks of pleasure, and the old apple-woman will know at once that she is +being fooled." Very true, and it is not desirable that the average man +should possess the ability of an Aaron Burr to influence others. Few +persons try as he did to acquire that power, but because the average man +cannot at once exercise that potent influence over others which he did, +it does not follow that we are unable to understand the secret of Burr's +success, nor is it evident that other men cannot acquire something of +this power by thinking it worth while to do so. + +It would not be safe to say that all men can be equally successful, try +as they will, in inspiring in others "happy feelings of a high degree of +intensity," for nature has not been impartial in bestowing equally upon +all the gifts of adaptation and expression. + +There are a few persons so constituted by temperament and mental +organism that they exercise a depressing influence over their +associates. They have a negative, flabby spirit that seems to operate, +speaking figuratively, much as a wet shoe does upon one who is compelled +to wear it. They draw upon the nervous strength and exhaust the patience +of those who are compelled to be much in their company. But there are +not many of this type. Most of us could make far more progress in +acquiring social graces and in the art of pleasing than we do. + +Let us now consider some of the particular qualities which render a man +pleasing to the opposite sex. + +Of course different types of men please different women. Some women care +little for the moral element in men. They do not admire them for their +goodness or nobility of character, but rather for their manners and +their ability to flatter and say pleasing things. Some women are +fascinated by mere brute strength, but they are not many. Rank, wealth, +and social position are very attractive to some, but these things do not +make the man himself more attractive to the true woman. + +While a girl is young, she may go into raptures over "a cameo profile, a +Burnes-Jones head of hair, or a pre-Raphaelite languor and pallor," but +these things are bound to pall, and become absolutely distasteful. Some +even admire downright wickedness in men, and these are the women who +send delicacies to murderers in prison, and overwhelm them with +bouquets. But, fortunately, these types represent but a small fraction +of the fair sex, and this chapter has to do only with the great +majority; the intelligent, moral, cultured women of the land. What +qualities in men are most attractive to them? + +Physical beauty is always attractive in either sex, yet the handsome man +has the advantage of his plainer rival only in this--he is able to draw +attention to himself at once. He must, however, have something more to +hold that attention. He may be physically an Apollo, but if he be +ill-mannered, dull or ignorant, he will stand no chance beside the man +skilled in the artful polished ways of what is called society, who is +master of that grace of manner and flexibility of speech which more than +wealth, reputation, or personal attractiveness, win their way with +women. + +It has been proven, again and again, that even ugliness of face and form +is not, by any means, a bar to popularity with women, and while we are +often amazed at the choice which brilliant, beautiful women sometimes +make from a crowd of admirers, at the bottom of every apparent fantastic +selection, there is a solid, and, usually, a sensible reason. + +Ernest Renan was certainly not handsome. He was exceedingly corpulent, +his complexion was said to resemble nothing else so closely as tallow. +He had claw-shaped hands, bushy gray eyebrows, and thin gray hair, yet +wherever he went into society he was sure to be the center of an +admiring group of women. He was not fascinating by reason of his +ugliness, but in spite of it. There was enough in the subtle charm of +his manner, and the melodious flow of his conversation, to make up for +all outward deficiencies. + +Liszt was not a handsome man--quite the contrary; yet probably no other +man ever lived who exercised a more magnetic and potent influence over +women. Even when he had become gaunt and old, his eyes dim, his blonde +hair snow-white, his spare, lean figure wrapped in a black, priestly +gown, he was followed about by a train of fair admirers. + +Chauteaubriand could charm at eighty-four, the Abbé Liszt at +seventy-five, and Aaron Burr--who was by no means handsome--had at +seventy a charm of manner that was irresistible. + +The fact is, one cannot recall half a dozen very talented men who were +admired for their personal beauty. Pope was very plain; Dr. Johnson was +no better; Mirabeau was "the ugliest man in France," and yet he was the +greatest favorite with the fair sex. + +These examples are not cited to prove that women do not care for +physical beauty in men. On the contrary, that is a very strong +attraction, but not the most powerful factor in holding them. Women more +frequently prize men for their sterling qualities of mind than men do +women. A perfection of physical beauty rarely associates itself with +great mental ability in either sex, but still there have been some +notable exceptions, especially among women, and every pretty woman who +reads this may consider herself one of these exceptions. + +As a general thing, the man who pleases is the man who understands. It +does not matter much to a woman whether a man has great and brilliant +thoughts of his own, if he comprehends her wishes and her feelings, as +well as her thoughts. He should, if he desires to please, make a careful +study of that mysterious and complex thing--a woman's nature. He must +understand that it is of a finer fibre than his own; that it is +sensitive and easily hurt. He should have sentiment, but not be a +sentimentalist. He will be wise, indeed, if he can skilfully draw the +line between the two things. "Sentiment is divine: sentimentalism +absurd." He should be able to say much in little and he must not be a +chatterer. A woman who talks too much becomes tiresome; a man who is an +aimless talker is an intolerable bore to both sexes. + +Few men understand a woman. They do not look at things from her point of +view, and, therefore, do not realize to what extent civilized life has +permitted her to assume that convention of manner and those civilities +of speech which are in some harmless degree hypocritical. It could not +be otherwise. Her ideal of a man is a very high one, but she rarely +meets him, and so she accepts the one who comes nearest to her ideal and +makes the most of the situation. She would that he were different, but a +woman can love in spite of very many things. Usually she is obliged to +if to love at all. She is much cleverer at love-making than a man. "She +is an artist where he is a crude workman, and she does not go through a +love scene without realizing how much better she could have done it if +the title rôle had been given to her." + +If she is a woman of sensibility, she is shocked by a hundred +disagreeable habits which many men think justifiable. She is repelled by +awkwardness of manner, coarse modes of speech, by carelessness of person +and dress, and yet, for all that, she loves. + +The lover who is most successful in retaining the affection of a +sweetheart or a wife is the one who expresses over and over again the +love and the tenderness he feels. Women, more than men, like to hear +things talked about. They are far more wide-awake to the value of +trifles, and more sensitive to changes of mood. They are given to saying +in many ways, with delicate variations, what a man is satisfied to state +once for all, even to state badly. + +A man will believe in a woman's love and be satisfied with far fewer +visible tokens of it than are necessary to confirm his tenderness and +keep her convinced of it. + +The truth is that a man's power of pleasing does not depend upon some +occult quality of which no account can be given, but upon the degree in +which he holds certain attractive qualities--innate or acquired. We have +no difficulty in understanding any single one of these qualities, yet +when a man possesses such a combination of them as to entitle him to the +term "fascinating" we pronounce it incomprehensible, and fall back upon +that vague term, "personal magnetism." + +The personal elements which are most conducive to our influence over +others are, in a broad way: good manners, a pleasing voice, the ability +to converse well, personal neatness, taste in dress, tact, good morals, +culture and refinement, physical beauty, and intellectual force. We are +pleasing or offensive just in proportion to our possession of these very +desirable characteristics, and, possibly, what we term "personal +magnetism" is simply the result of a well-balanced development of some, +or all, of these enviable characteristics. + + + + +THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS. + + _Look on this woman. There is not beauty, not brilliant sayings, + nor distinguished power to serve you; but all see her gladly; her + whole air and impression are healthful. Manners require time, as + nothing is more vulgar than haste._ + EMERSON. + + _Possessed with such a gentle, sovereign grace, + With such enchanting presence and discourse._ + COMEDY OF ERRORS. + + _She's a most exquisite lady._ + OTHELLO. + + +Is it the handsome woman? Yes, sometimes, but not always. Beauty is +always attractive, but the handsome woman has the same advantage only +that the handsome man possesses--she draws attention to herself at once. +If she has nothing but her beauty to rely upon, she does not hold the +attention. + +It was Balzac who reminded us of the fact that nearly all of the most +celebrated attachments in history were inspired by women in whom there +were noticeable physical defects. Mme. de Pompadour, Joanna of Naples, +Cleopatra, La Valliere--in fact, almost all the women whom a romantic +love has invested with a halo of interest--were not without +imperfections and even infirmities, while nearly all the women whose +beauty is described to us as perfect, have been finally unhappy in their +loves. + +"Perhaps," says Balzac, "men live by sentiment more than by pleasure. +Perhaps the charm, wholly physical, of a beautiful woman has its bounds, +while the charm, essentially moral, of a woman of moderate beauty may be +infinite." + +Whether this be true or not, women surely overestimate the influence of +mere physical beauty to attract and hold men. Madame de Staël, whose +dominion over the hearts of all those with whom she came in contact is +well known, declared that she would gladly give up all her gifts of +person, and all her learning, if she could receive beauty in exchange. +It was fortunate for her that her wish was not granted, for, had it +been, probably she would have found her kingdom slipping away. While +she did not have a beautiful face, she possessed physical +characteristics and personal traits which rendered her absolutely +fascinating. + +To a sensible man nothing is quite so insipid as a vain, brainless, +tactless beauty, whose opinions are but echoes, and who imagines that +her beauty alone will hold him chained to her chariot. + +Beauty holds for a time, but after a man's eyes are satisfied, he must +be entertained, and the plain girl who possesses brains and tact need +have no fear of her more beautiful rival. Modern research has proved +that not Sappho, not Aspasia, nor even Cleopatra were women who would +have attracted any special attention by reason of their physical beauty. +Their highest charm was intellectual--the possession of an "immensity to +give," as Plutarch expresses it, in the way of grace and accomplishment. + +The idea that plain girls are allowed to run to waste as "unappropriated +blessings," is not supported by evidence, for we are constantly meeting +wives far plainer than the majority of the unmarried women of our +acquaintance; and it frequently happens that a man who has a wife +physically beautiful, becomes enamored of an exceedingly plain woman who +possesses a certain quality of congeniality, some trait of adaptability +which he misses in his partner. + +Says a writer in _Lippincott's_: "It is safe to make the broad +generalization that a homely girl, all other things being equal, is +likely to have fewer offers than a pretty girl, but quite as likely to +receive the one offer which will make her a happy wife. But all other +things (save the gift of beauty) seldom are equal between the homely and +the pretty girl; by the natural law of compensation, the homely girl has +either some inherent or some acquired ability that is lacking in the +other, which asserts its charm as acquaintance progresses. Beauty only +has the start in the race." + +It frequently happens that the beauty makes the mistake of expecting to +be entertained by her admirers, and does not exert herself to please. +The plain girl, however, is often superior in tact, for being obliged to +study human nature closely in order to get the most out of +companionship, she learns to depend upon this knowledge in her efforts +to please. She is not dazzled by admiration, nor is she unduly confident +when she obtains it that she will retain it. + +Mme. Hading, who is a strikingly handsome woman, and, therefore, can +discuss beauty without falling under suspicion, once said: + +"A woman is very unfortunate who has nothing but beauty to insure her +success. There are other things superior to beauty. Taste, good taste, +brains, tact, health, those are the things a woman must have to hold +people. And then there are good manners--so rare and yet so easily +cultivated. To be refined, to be gentle, to be amiable, to be charitable +in thought and in speech, to be intelligent, is to be charming, in spite +of an unattractive body and an ugly face. To be well born is, indeed, to +be blessed, but to rise above low birth is sublime. The greatest painter +of the age could make only a caricature of a face for the Empress +Josephine, and yet the sweetness of her smile and the charm of her +pleasing and gracious ways immortalized her name. There are other ends +to happiness than mere wealth; there are sweeter things in a woman's +face than beauty." + +Again, the woman who charms is not necessarily young. History is full of +accounts of women who have been fascinating when beyond middle life. The +truest and strongest love is not always inspired by the beauty of +twenty. The enthusiasm over sweet sixteen is not supported by the old +experience which teaches that the highest beauty is not found in +immaturity. Louis XIV. wedded Mme. Maintenon when she was forty-three +years old. Catherine II. of Russia was thirty-three when she seized the +Empire of Russia and captivated the dashing young Gen. Orloff. Even up +to the time of her death--at sixty-seven--she seemed to have retained +the same bewitching power, for the lamentations were heartfelt among all +those who had ever known her personally. + +Cleopatra was considerably over thirty when Antony fell under her spell, +which never lessened until her death, nearly ten years later. + +Livia was thirty-three when she won the heart of Augustus, over whom she +maintained her ascendancy until the last. Aspasia did not wed Pericles +until she was thirty-seven, and for more than thirty years after that +she was regarded as one of the most fascinating women of her time. Ninon +de l'Enclos, the most celebrated wit of her day, was the idol of three +generations of the golden youth of France, and she was seventy-two when +the Abbé de Berais fell in love with her. + +Helen of Troy, the celebrated Greek beauty, was over forty-five when she +took part in the most famous elopement in history; and as the siege of +Troy lasted ten years, she must have been at least fifty-five when the +ill-fortune of Paris restored her to her husband, who is reported to +have received her with unquestioned love and gratitude. Mlle. Mars, the +celebrated actress, was most attractive at forty-five, and Mme. Récamier +was at the zenith of her good looks and of her power to please when +between thirty-five and fifty-five. Diana de Poitiers was over +thirty-six when Henry II., then Duke of Orleans, and just half her age, +became attached to her, and she was regarded as the first lady and the +most beautiful woman at court up to the time of the monarch's death and +the accession to power of Catherine de Medici. + +The common idea that the mature beauty of forty is less fascinating than +that of the girl of seventeen or eighteen is without foundation. By +beauty is not meant merely well-formed features and a fresh +complexion--these things even dolls possess. In spite of the rosy, fresh +complexion bestowed upon youth by nature, a woman's best and richest age +is really between thirty-five and forty-five, and sometimes considerably +beyond that period. + +No one would dare say how old Madame Patti is. Everyone who meets her +exclaims at her marvellous youthfulness and vivacity. Patti's +explanation of her bright eyes, smooth skin and happy expression is +given in a few words: "I have kept my temper. No woman can remain young +who often loses her temper." + +As a woman grows older, she ought to become more attractive in certain +ways than she could be in her youth. One of the most needful things for +attaining this result is good health. Fine muscles, a healthy, glowing +skin, eyes bright with energy and ambition--these make a valuable +foundation for the woman who would be attractive. The woman who, at a +certain age, considers herself _passé_, commits a great error. If she so +regards herself; if she believes she has passed the time when she can be +interesting, others are quite likely to find her unattractive. Surely a +woman should be more interesting after she leaves the period of +girlhood. She ought to be able to converse better, she should possess +more wisdom, greater tact, broader knowledge of human nature; and she +should have more repose, more grace of manner. Indeed, she should have +all her accomplishments well in hand, and be more facile in their use +for the pleasure of others; and she will be able to use them to better +advantage if she has cultivated placidity of temper, human sympathy and +generosity, and is not careless of her personal appearance. It +frequently happens that women who have reached middle life neglect many +of the aids to physical beauty which they once carefully followed. They +are careless about dress, and grow to esteem it excusable to dispense +with those simple and necessary accessories of the toilet which formerly +helped to make them so exquisitely fresh and dainty. They grow +accustomed to think that untidiness must necessarily be associated with +drudgery. But in these days it is becoming more possible to carry the +element of refinement and beauty with us everywhere. + +Many women could seem much finer, more delicate than they appear, if +they were not accustomed to think that a certain homeliness, and even +negligence of attire is quite excusable, and, indeed, almost inseparable +from common work-a-day life. As we grow older, it becomes more necessary +that we use care in always presenting that appearance of personal +neatness which never fails to be attractive to those with whom we come +in contact. + +One of the strongest elements a woman can possess to attract the other +sex is a sympathetic interest in a man's work. This was what attracted +Dr. Schliemann, the famous Greek scholar and explorer, to the young +woman whom he married. She was familiar with the Iliad and the Odyssey, +and was an enthusiast upon the subject of uncovering the ancient cities +of Homer. + +Men like to have women interested in the things in which they themselves +are interested. + +One who has read Richard Harding Davis' "Soldiers of Fortune" may +remember that Clay grew very fond of Miss Langham. His first +disappointment in her came to him when he discovered her lack of +interest in his work of opening up the iron mines in South America. Miss +Langham's younger sister, Hope, was, on the other hand, extremely +interested in the mines, made an exhaustive study of the methods of +mining, and when she, with the other members of the family, visited the +scene of Clay's engineering operations, it was she who drew Clay's +attention to herself by intelligent questions and suggestive remarks. He +was delighted with her, admired her, fell in love with her, and then +married her. That day at the mines was the beginning of the end of the +old love, and the awakening of the new. + +To interest men a woman should, by reading the papers, acquire, and be +able to express, a reasonably clear idea of what is happening in the +world. She should ascertain what is of special interest to the +particular man she wishes to attract, and, whether the subject be +politics, business, out-door sports, art, science, or literature, she +should be able to contribute something in a conversation upon that +subject more interesting than a mere yes or no. + +As it is the manly man who wins and satisfies a good woman, so it is the +womanly woman who pleases and retains the regard of the estimable man. + +Men like the womanly woman. She need not be soft or silly, weak or +nervous; she may be strong, vigorous, resolute, and brave. A man has +little sympathy for the girl who imitates men either in dress, manner +or conversation. If a womanly man is not pleasing to either sex, what +shall we say of a manlike woman! + +He thoroughly expresses the writer's view who said: "A perfect woman may +be adorable; a woman who is perfect would be beyond endurance." Yet, +however irreligious a man may be himself, he always dislikes irreverence +in a woman. He wishes and expects his wife to be better than he is, and, +generally, she is. + +Men do not like the over-dressed woman--the one who goes to the extreme +of a fashion and a little further. He does not care for costliness of +apparel, but he is always attracted by freshness and daintiness. + +A sense of humor is a valuable gift in a woman who wishes to please. Men +like the girl who sees the funny side of a thing; who can make them +laugh; who can be witty without being sarcastic; who can jest and not be +malicious; who can relate humorous experiences without saying things +calculated to make others uncomfortable. + +A man likes a woman who entertains and amuses him. Young girls often +express surprise that one of their number is so popular among men. They +know she is not so pretty as dozens of other girls. She is not dressed +so richly as they are, yet, at a party, she will have half a dozen +young men about her while they are neglected and alone. She must, they +conclude, have that indefinable quality of magnetism, and that is all +that can be said about it, and they could not find out the secret if +they tried. But probably there is no secret about it. Although she is +not pretty, and does not possess a vast amount of information, she has +tact, and a quick and electric vivacity of spirit which acts as a breeze +on the sluggish waters, making ripples of pleasure and laughter, and so +produces an exhilarating effect upon all about her. + +Many young men, if diffident or awkward, feel, it may be, a little out +of place. They hardly know what to do or say, but this particular girl +wakes them up, and they find themselves laughing and talking with +astonishing ease. She understands how to make them feel at ease, how to +draw them out, and as they associate with her they become unusually +elated, and it is not at all strange that in every company they look +eagerly for her presence. + +While, judging from the descriptions and representations which we have +of her, Cleopatra was by no means beautiful, there is no mystery about +her fascinating influence over men. + +"She had," said a writer in _The Boston Herald_, "jaded Roman conquerors +to deal with, men sated with every form of mere animal pleasure. There +was no piquancy left in anything; all had palled and staled on their +cloyed palates. But in Cleopatra was evermore something fresh, +unexpected, perfectly original! + +"No wonder the bystanders cried, 'Age cannot wither nor custom stale her +infinite variety.' What had she to fear from the rivalship of mere youth +and beauty so long as her nimble intellect was fertile, like the Nile +floods, in successive harvests, in the one quality her lovers were ready +to lavish kingdoms for, namely, 'infinite variety.'" + +To go back to the definition of personal fascination given in the +preceding chapter, we repeat that it consists "in the power to excite in +another person happy feelings of a high degree of intensity, and to make +that person identify such feelings with the charm and power of the +cherished cause of them." + +There may be such a thing as the "indefinite quality of magnetism" which +draws people to the possessor whether they will or no; but there are +many personalities who are charming because they have willed to be, +because by painstaking perseverance they have acquired those +characteristics which enable them to please and charm all with whom they +come in contact. + + + + +THE ART OF CONVERSATION. + + "_Though conversation, in its better part, + May be esteemed a gift and not an art, + Yet much depends, as in the tiller's toil, + On culture and the sowing of the soil._" + COWPER. + + _In all countries where intelligence is prized, a talent for + conversation ranks high among accomplishments. To clothe the + thoughts in clear and elegant language, and to convey them + impressively to the mind of another, is no common attainment._ + MRS. SIGOURNEY. + + +The man or woman who is an intelligent, tactful conversationalist, +commands one of the most essential elements of a pleasing address. While +all of us may have certain defects which we cannot wholly overcome, +however earnestly we may try, we can, if we will, re-form our +conversation. We can so train ourselves that good nature, +considerateness and benevolence will always have a place in our +intercourse with others. We can, if we will, use good English, and we +can avoid the temptation, so common, to talk of persons rather than of +things. Theoretically, we despise gossip; practically, most of us add +our mite to the common fund. We may not be ill-natured, and the sweet +charity that "thinketh no evil" may have a home in our hearts; yet +sometimes, if we are not watchful, it may fall asleep, and bitterness, +or the spirit of spitefulness come creeping stealthily to the surface. + +We can, if we will, be intellectually honest--a kind of honesty which is +indeed rare. The principal reason why arguments and discussions lead to +so must dissatisfaction and ill-feeling on the part of the disputants, +is the lack of this quality. + +Two men are engaged in conversation and a question of religious belief +or of politics is brought to the front. Each takes a side in the +discussion and maintains his opinions to the end. Neither is searching +for the truth, but is eager to defend his side of the question against +the attacks of his opponent. It does not occur to either that anything +else can be the truth except the things he has been taught to believe. +To both, the truth simply takes the form of their own opinions; and +since they are most firmly attached to their opinions, neither ever +questions his own devotion to the truth. Such persons can scarcely be +said to use their minds at all, for their thinking has been done by some +one else. Many a hostess is obliged tactfully to separate aggressively +argumentative and disputatious guests, who have never learned that +others have an equal right to their own opinions, and that not every +dinner party is the proper occasion to plunge into heated argument in +the hope of changing another's views. + +Again, we can all avoid the habit of exaggeration--a fault which does +not get itself called by the name of "falsehood," but which is in +dangerously close proximity to it. A man hears something, true enough in +its original shape, but he passes it on with a little addition of his +own. The one to whom he tells it adds his touch of exaggeration, until, +at last, the statement is so swollen and distorted as to convey anything +but the real truth. It would be difficult to charge any one with +deliberate prevarication. The result is a sort of accumulative lie, made +by successive individual contributions of little dashes of exaggeration. +Thousands who would never be guilty of inventing an entire story +derogatory to the reputation of another, are constantly contributing to +the formation of these accumulative falsehoods, which are quite as evil +in their results as though conceived and concocted by one person. + +We can put into requisition a nice sense of honor in our conversation. +In a hundred different ways this most fitting attribute of the true +woman and the real gentleman is often put to the test. We can remember +that it is quite as easy to be ill-mannered in speech as in conduct. + +There are men and women who, at a dinner, would not under any +circumstances, transgress the rules of table etiquette, but who may +offend quite as grossly by a thoughtless or an intemperate use of words. +They may not dispense with the fork, but they wound the heart by unkind +words. They may observe all the amenities from oyster-fork to +finger-bowl, yet they offend some member of the company by sarcasm or +personal innuendo. They may not misplace or misuse the napkin, but they +may render the entire company uncomfortable by declining to yield, in +argument, to the greater weight of evidence; or by overloading a story +with unimportant details. They may be scrupulously neat, and of easy and +graceful deportment, but may never have learned the gentle art of +keeping one's temper sweet when criticised or when confronted by a +contradiction. + +These very suggestive words appeared in "The Churchman": "It is almost a +definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts +pain. The true gentleman carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a +jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast. He has his eyes on all +his company; he is tender toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, +and merciful toward the absurd. He avoids unreasonable allusions on +topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and +never wearisome. Another delightful trait in him is that he makes light +of favors when he bestows them, and seems to be receiving when he is +conferring. He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never +defends himself by a mere retort. He has no ears for slander or gossip; +is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and +interprets everything for the best. He is never mean or small in his +disputes, never insinuates evil which he dare not say out. He has too +much good sense to be affronted at insults, and is too well employed to +remember injuries. He may be right or wrong in his opinions, but he is +too clear-headed to be unjust. He is as simple as he is forcible, and as +brief as he is decisive." + +The entertaining talker is not, of necessity, a great talker; he is +often a good listener. He understands that a bright story, briefly told, +will amuse, but that people are bored by a long story, filled with +pointless details. He is not necessarily learned or profound. He +understands that small change is of as much importance in social +intercourse as it is between men in business. "Although deprecated by +some wise people as vain and frivolous," says _Zion's Herald_, "small +talk has a legitimate function in human intercourse. It is the small +coin of conversation. Those who despise its use often get on as badly in +social life as would the merchant who should exclude the dimes and +quarters from his money-drawer. Without them, the wheels of trade would +be blocked. An honest old copper penny will often turn the corner of a +good bargain. Chit-chat gives ease to conversation. The strait-jacket is +removed; the mental forces have full play; the man acts himself; and the +communication of soul with soul becomes free and delightful. With small +talk he is familiar, and can toss it about as a juggler does his cards. +The philosopher with his learned and exact phrases at once deadens the +flow of soul." + +Men and women are not strictly original. The things we say to-day have +been said just as well a thousand times before; but that forms no reason +why we should not say them again. The coins in your purse have been +through a hundred hands and are not the less useful in serving you +again. + +The fellowship enjoyed rather than the store of wisdom communicated, is +the end of conversation. Whether they say anything of importance or not, +we like to hear some persons talk; they inspire us and set our own +mental machinery in motion. Small talk often brings us most readily in +contact with another soul. + +All good conversationalists know the use of small talk. To be sure, they +know something more, something larger and better, but the chinks in the +larger subject are filled in wonderfully by a familiar interpolation of +the smaller things in a chatty way. Many a wise and learned man would be +a better talker if he had at hand a supply of small coin. He can talk +extremely well on serious and recondite subjects, but the quick jest and +easy repartee of the parlor and the dining-room are beyond him. He is, +in spite of his learned lore, at a disadvantage in society, where there +is no time for homilies or for treatises on erudite topics. Persons less +gifted chat and laugh and have a good time while he sits in gloomy +silence. Those who would please and be pleased in social intercourse +must carry with them and be ready to dispense the small change of light +and witty conversation. + +To be popular in society, find out whether your companion prefers to +talk or listen; avoid personalities; endeavor to lead the conversation +to subjects familiar and interesting to others rather than especially +pleasing to yourself; never indulge in sarcasm; be good-natured and +sympathetic; strive to be tactful; exchange small courtesies; talk to +all with equal attention and interest, and whatever the topic of +conversation, or wherever you may be, appear cheerfully contented. +Acquire, and then exhibit, that adaptability to place and people which +conduces ever to grateful and pleasing companionship. + +William Mathews writes in _Success_: "Conversation rules the destiny of +the state and of the individual; from diplomacy, which is essentially +the art of conversing skilfully on political themes, down to the daily +transactions of the mart and the exchange, its empire is evident to all. + +"Such being the potency and importance of conversation, why is so little +attention given to its culture to-day? Why is it that so many educated +men, who are fastidious regarding their personal appearance, and bestow +upon their bodies the most solicitous care, are yet willing to send +their minds abroad in a state of slovenliness, regardless of the +impression they make?" + + + + +GOOD ENGLISH. + + _We should be as careful of our words as of our actions._ + CICERO. + + +An accomplishment, in its accepted meaning, is "something acquired which +perfects or makes complete; an attainment which tends to equip in +character, manner, or person, and which gives pleasure to others." + +Surely, then, the man or woman who desires to please cannot possess too +many accomplishments; and, accepting the definition just given, is there +any other accomplishment of greater importance than facility in speaking +and writing one's native language with ease and with elegance? Is there +any other single test of culture so conclusive as this? Is it not the +matter, and, particularly, the method of one's speech more than anything +else which impresses the person whom we meet for the first time, either +favorably or unfavorably in regard to our acquirements? We may have but +few opportunities during a lifetime to display our knowledge of +geometry, algebra or astronomy; we may be for weeks in the company of +other people without giving them an opportunity to suspect that we +possess any knowledge of Latin or Greek, but as long as we live, and +every day we live, we are giving evidences of facility or awkwardness in +the use of our mother tongue. + +How much time is wasted in practicing upon unresponsive musical +instruments--unresponsive because not touched by sympathetic fingers! +How much time is spent in acquiring a slight knowledge of French and +German, which results, generally, in an ability to use a few simple +phrases, and to translate easy sentences with the aid of a dictionary! +How many young women, with no artistic ability whatever, spend weeks and +months under the instruction of teachers in vain attempts to produce +something in oil or in water-color worthy to be called a picture! How +much more to the advantage of these young women would it be if a part of +this time were spent in acquiring a better understanding of the use of +English! + +The writer once knew a girl who, after playing a selection upon the +piano, left the room and burst into tears because she had been guilty of +a slight blunder in her execution--a blunder not noticed by two of the +twenty persons assembled in the parlor. This same girl, however, +exhibited, habitually, a carelessness in pronunciation, and an +ignorance of English grammar of which she should have been heartily +ashamed, and which caused far more annoyance to her friends than her +blunders in music. + +Boys and girls should be trained to feel that it is as discreditable to +them to confound the parts of speech in conversation, as it is to make +discords in music, or to finish a picture out of drawing, or to be +guilty of some inadvertence of manner. They should be made to feel that +proficiency in music, French, German, or painting, or any other +accomplishment, so-called, will not compensate for slovenliness of +diction. + +In addressing a girl's school, Bishop Huntington once said: "Probably +there is not an instrument in common use, from a pencil to a piano, +which is used so imperfectly as language. If you will let me be plain, I +suspect that it would be safe to offer a gold medal as a prize to any +young lady here who will not, before to-morrow night, utter some +sentence that cannot be parsed; will put no singulars and plurals in +forbidden connections; will drop no particles, double no negatives, mix +no metaphors, tangle no parentheses; begin no statement two or three +times over without finishing it; and not once construct a proposition +after this manner: + +"When a person talks like that, they ought to be ashamed of it.'" + +These are frank statements to address to a class of young ladies; but +the Bishop's implication would hold with equal truth not only in the +case in point, but also with a large number of the high schools, +seminaries and colleges of this country. Surely such a charge against +the other practical branches of study could not be made and sustained. + +When James Russell Lowell said: "We are the most common-schooled and the +least educated people in the world," he might have added that the +statement was especially applicable to our habits of using or abusing +our mother tongue. + +This general indifference to good English is not, in most instances, the +result of a lack of knowledge, for time enough is devoted to the study +of technical grammar in almost all schools, to enable the pupil to +become thoroughly acquainted with the principles which govern the use of +our language. + +It is because many persons, not having acquired the habit of correct +speech, do not think to apply the rules of grammar in conversation. Were +children accustomed from infancy to hear only correct English, there +would be but little need to memorize arbitrary rules of grammar, for +they would, from habit, speak and write correctly. Thus it is that the +children of educated parents are generally so easy and graceful in their +conversation, contrasted with the children of the uneducated. Our +language, like our manners, is caught from those with whom we associate. + +Several other nations are far in advance of our own in the thoroughness +with which their youth are drilled in the use of language. + +In France, a knowledge of the French language, spoken and written, is +regarded as of special importance. In all entrance examinations, or +examinations for promotion or graduation, the pupil's knowledge of his +native tongue is first determined; and no promotions are allowed, and no +diplomas granted, if the student is notably deficient in this regard, +even though his knowledge of the other required branches should prove to +be all that could be desired. We have not so high a standard in the +United States. It has been but a few years since a definite knowledge of +English was added to the requirements for admission to American +colleges, and even now it has not, in any of our educational +institutions, the relative weight in determining examinations which +French and German have in the systems of those countries. While great +improvement has been made in teaching English, and while better methods +are employed than formerly, it is still safe to say that in no other +branch of study, pursued with equal diligence, are the results so +unsatisfactory. + +Surely in no other way do we so clearly show the degree of our culture +and refinement as by our every-day conversation. Is it not important, +then, that we devote our efforts seriously, and with infinite patience, +if necessary, to mastering a matter so essential? + +The selection of good English does not necessarily imply either a +stilted monotony of speech, or a tiresome affectation. It is simply +elegance and naturalness. There is no reason why any person, however +humble his station in life, should not hope to speak his native language +correctly. It is an accomplishment which is not expensive. In its +acquirement one does not require high-priced teachers. It demands only +care and attention. Be critical of yourself. Watch your sentences. Get +your companions to correct your slips of the tongue. Say over correctly +the troublesome sentence until the mistake becomes impossible. Listening +to well educated persons and reading the best literature are both of +great assistance in this direction, especially if we offer to both the +sincere flattery of imitation. Our literature teems with masterpieces of +style. To read them consistently is to imbibe a certain facility of +diction. + +There are many persons who, while they do not violate the rules of +technical grammar, habitually indulge in slang, hyperbole, and in many +"weeds of speech" which should be pulled up promptly and cast aside. A +great many boys and girls, and even some older persons, imagine that the +use of slang lends piquancy and force to their conversation. Slang is +always an element of weakness. It is bad enough in a man, but in women +it is far more questionable. It is not the expression of the refined. To +the cultivated taste it is discordant. + +Another fault prevalent among girls is the habit of hyperbole. +Perfectly, awfully, nice, and splendid, are the four most overworked +words, and awfully is the most abused of them all. It is strange, the +hold this word has secured in the vocabulary of girls who, in almost all +other respects, are considerate in their use of English. Persons are +called awfully good, awfully bad, awfully clever, awfully stupid, +awfully nice, awfully jolly and awfully kind. It is made to do duty on +all occasions and under all circumstances, as though it were the only +adverb admissible in good society. Among adjectives, splendid easily +ranks as the most popular. To many, everything is splendid, whether it +is a flower, a sunset, a dinner, a football game, a friend, a sermon, or +a book. Then we are continually hearing that certain things are +_perfectly_ splendid, _perfectly_ lovely, _perfectly_ hateful, +_perfectly_ glorious, _perfectly_ magnificent and _perfectly_ sweet. How +word-stricken society would do without these expressions it is difficult +to determine, yet certain it is that the woman who deals recklessly in +superlatives demonstrates forthwith that her judgment is dominated by +her impulses, that her opinions are of doubtful reliability, and her +criticisms valueless. + +In a recent number of one of the popular magazines Prof. Brander +Matthews has an article on the prevailing indifference in regard to the +proper use of words. The points which he emphasizes are these: + +The gentleman is never indifferent, never reckless in his language. The +sloven in speech is quite as offensive as a sloven in manner and dress. +The neat turning of a phrase is as agreeable to the ear as neatness of +person is to the refined taste. A man should choose his words at least +as carefully as he chooses his clothing; even a hint of the dandy is not +objectionable, if it be but a hint. It is even better to go to the +extreme of fastidiousness than to indulge the opposite extreme of +negligence. + +The art of writing letters is but another phase of the same matter. +Indeed it is but conversation carried on with the pen, when distance or +circumstances prevent the easier method of exchanging ideas by spoken +words. It is an art which should be faithfully cultivated by those who +desire to please. In social life, in business, in almost every other +circumstance of life, we find our pen called into requisition. Yet while +it is an almost indispensable accomplishment, it is one which is +pitifully neglected. The art of letter-writing is becoming obsolete; +that is, the art of writing such letters as enriched the epistolary +literature of a former generation. This is unfortunate, as there is +nothing that will so stimulate thought, and bring into activity, +practical, every-day niceties of phrase as the exercise of this art. +Constant drill in letter-writing will tend to take from one's vocabulary +words which have no place there, and will accomplish quite as much as +any other means to broaden, beautify, and to refine the language at our +command, as well as to train the mind to exact habits of thinking. A +further important consideration is the charm which "a gem of a letter" +has for the delighted recipient. + +The indispensable requisites of a good letter are neatness of +chirography, simplicity, and grammatical correctness. Defects in any one +of these particulars are scarcely pardonable. We cannot all be pretty +writers, but we can all write legibly and give to the page the +appearance of neatness. Scribbling is inexcusable. + +"A scribbled page points to a scribbling mind, while clear, legible +handwriting is not only an indication of clear thinking, but a means and +promoter of accurate thought. Indeed, simply as a business proposition, +one cannot afford to become a slovenly penman." + +"And who," says _The Philadelphia Record_, "does not know the charm of a +gracefully worded, legibly written letter, with its wide margins, its +clear, black ink and dainty stationery? An art, indeed, is the writing +of such a missive; an art which it behooves every woman to cultivate. +A hastily written line betraying signs of carelessness, and scrawled +on an indifferent sheet of paper is a poor compliment, indeed, to the +receiver, and elicits anything but flattering comments upon the writer." + +Careless speech is quite bad enough, but the charm of the speaker may be +so great as to disarm criticism. The letter, however, the written word, +stands on its own merits; "what is writ is writ." There is no graceful +vivacity to plead for the writer; no coquetry of manner to distract the +glance of the reader from the errors coldly set forth in black and +white. Observe, then, the utmost care in inditing an epistle, whether to +a friend or foe or to a lover. Never send forth a letter in undress, so +to speak, scarcely more than you would present yourself _en dishabille_ +before your most formal acquaintances. The one is almost as flagrant as +the other. + + + + +TACT IN CONVERSATION. + + _"Ask only the well about their health."_ + + _Discretion in speech is more than eloquence._ + BACON. + + _Brilliancy in conversation is to the company what a lighted + candle is to a dark room--it lightens the whole of it. But every + now and then some unskilful person, in attempting to clip the + wick to make it brighter, snuffs it out._ + JAMES C. BEEKS. + + +Seldom does there occur in society any lapse so astonishing as the +uncomfortable remarks innocently made by men and women to each other. +Some persons who are careful and considerate in other respects, seem to +have a woeful lack of that quality which we call tact. They wish to be +pleasing; they would not for the world intentionally say or do anything +to injure or wound the sensitiveness of a friend; yet they are +continually saying those "things that would better have been left +unsaid." + +_Harper's Bazar_ mentions some of these speeches which have no excuse +for being. + +"What a dear little fellow that is!" said a caller to the mother of a +three-year-old. + +"He is a great comfort to us," replied the mother, stroking the child's +long curls. + +"Yes; I should think so. He is not pretty, is he? His hair is so +beautiful now that at the first glance one would call him pretty. But if +you imagine how he will look when those golden curls are cut off, you +will see that he will be a very plain child." + +Said another woman to an acquaintance: "Mrs. A., I hope you will pardon +me for saying that I think I never saw a more beautiful piece of lace +than the flounce on the gown that you wore to the Assembly Ball last +week. I said to my husband afterward that if Mr. A. should fail again +and lose everything, as he has done once or twice already, you could +sell that lace and easily get a good price for it." + +The same woman, while making a visit of several weeks, said to her +hostess, as the time of her departure drew near: "I always think that +the nicest thing about making a visit is the returning to one's home. +One's family are always so glad to see one, and there is always great +luxury to me in getting back to my own house, where I can do what I +please, say what I please, and order what I want to eat." + +Again, there are people who seem to think that it is their mission to +puncture every person's infirmity with whom they come in contact. They +study to speak disagreeably. They corner you in the social circle, and +talk about the subject they know to be most disagreeable to you, and +talk in a tone sufficiently loud to be heard by all the other persons in +the room. If you have made a blunder they reveal it. If you have been +unsuccessful in any of your undertakings they are sure to inquire about +it, even to details. They unroll your past and dilate upon your future. +They put you on the rack every time you meet them and there is an +instinctive recoil when you perceive their approach. + +"We all know these persons," says _Zion's Herald_, "the persons who +always utter the unsuitable word, who make themselves generally +disagreeable, who never, apparently, try to make a pleasing impression +upon others, but who delight to sting and wound." + +Are we not all acquainted with the neighbor mentioned in this quotation: +"As a brief and sharp tormentor, as a nail in the boot, a rocker for +the shins on a dark night, or a sharp angle for the ulnar nerve, Mrs. +R----, our neighbor, excels all persons I ever saw. I am quite sure if +she could disturb a corpse by whispering to it that its shroud was +ill-fitting, and the floral gifts were not what had been expected, she +would do it." + +If you are a woman have you not more than once gone out for a walk with +some other woman who is never satisfied with your appearance? + +She gives your gown a pull, saying: "This dress never did fit you; it +isn't at all becoming to you, why didn't you wear your other one?" You +soon begin to feel uncomfortable, and to wish you were at home again. +Your bonnet may be never so becoming, or your new jacket may fit you to +perfection, but she never mentions either. She notices only defects; she +sees all that is disagreeable. Such persons always leave an +uncomfortable feeling behind them when they leave you. + +Sarcasm is not a quality to be cultivated by either sex. Men do not like +it in women. It may be amusing when it is directed against another, but +there is always a lurking fear that it may some time be directed against +one's self. Sarcasm is a rank weed, that, once sprouted, grows and +grows, choking out the little plants of kindness, forethought and +consideration, until it overruns the garden of the mind, dominating and +controlling every thought with a disagreeable, pungent odor that cannot +be eradicated. + +The sarcastic girl is not fascinating, for she is not a pleasing +companion. She is too sharp to be agreeable. She may possess talent +above the average of her acquaintances; she may be able to talk in half +a dozen different languages; she may be as beautiful as a Greek statue; +but men fight shy of her. Sarcasm is not wit, though wit may be +sarcastic. One may be bright and say all manner of clever things without +hurting the feelings of others by keen, knife-edged opinions that are +full of bitterness and teeming with gall. + +The tactful person does not make the mistake of talking too much about +himself. While we are young, at least, we are very interesting to +ourselves, and we are likely to imagine that all the world is interested +in our opinions, prejudices and tastes. But though this may be true of +our dearest friends, it is not true as far as other people are +concerned. + +"Without question," says the _Magnet_, "our conversation must be based +upon what we have experienced in one way or another. But that does not +make it necessary for us to talk continually about ourselves. If we +should examine carefully the things we say to the merest acquaintances, +we would be astonished, oftentimes, to see that we assume an interest +in ourselves which we have no right to expect." People who are ill are +likely to make indiscriminate claims upon sympathy, entertaining +strangers as well as friends with detailed descriptions of their latest +symptoms, and the doctor's latest remedies. Some of us who have not the +excuse of illness, impose on the persons we meet by obliging them to +listen to a great deal of personal information which may be of interest +to ourselves, and possibly to those who love us very dearly, but +scarcely to any one else. + +Several years ago the _Christian Union_ related this incident: The +social occasion was a dinner. One of the guests was a woman who had +passed middle life; good taste, ample means, with womanly grace and +natural refinement, made her an addition to any circle. The hostess of +the occasion was a woman who prided herself on her ability to meet the +requirements of her station. She had no doubt as to her fitness in any +social capacity, but her friends had not the same unquestioning faith in +her tact. + +The gentle guest found to her delight that she was assigned to the care +of the son of an old school friend, and inwardly thanked her hostess for +the consideration and thoughtfulness which made it possible for her to +hear from her friend, whom she had not met in years. The guests were no +sooner seated at the table than the hostess leaned toward the young man, +and, in a voice perfectly audible to the entire company, said: "Never +mind, Bob, I will do better for you next time." + +For one minute there was perfect silence, the lady and her escort alike +appalled by what had been said; but the kindliness of the guest overcame +the embarrassing moment by calling the attention of the young man to the +roses on the table, which, she said to him with a smile, were great +favorites of his mother when she was in school. This broke the ice. The +hostess was perfectly unconscious that she had been guilty of any +rudeness. Her intention was to be particularly polite to the young man; +first to assure him that he would be her guest again, and, secondly, +that she would then have a rosebud to assign to his care. The amusing +part was that the young man greatly admired his mother's friend, and had +frequently been her guest on his visits to the city. + +It is difficult to imagine how a woman could move in society to any +extent and remain capable of such a blunder, and yet we have all passed +through similar experiences at the hands of people whose social +experience should render such tactlessness impossible. There comes to +mind now an imposing woman, who prided herself on the fact that she +always said just what she thought. At a reception, she filled the room +by her manner; it was impossible to continue oblivious of her presence. + +Bowing affably to her acquaintances, she sailed--for women of this type +do not walk--up to a modest little lady whose health, she had heard, was +declining, and in a loud voice exclaimed: "What have you been doing to +yourself? You have aged fifteen years since last I saw you!" Not unkind +by intention, she was but practising her system of saying just what she +thought, and she was constantly urging upon her friends the propriety of +this course; but what an unbearable place our world would be if we all +followed this example of inane and inconsiderate bluntness. + +So the woman who is always finding in you resemblances to some other +person whom she has met, creates many of the uncomfortable experiences +of social life, and when she thinks it interesting to exploit the +character of your prototype, dwelling upon the mental and physical +defects, she becomes unbearable. Yet society has, as yet, found no sure +way to eliminate her. + +Such infelicities are not the outcrop of unkindness so much as of a +certain ineptitude or lack of _savoir faire_. Such people feel +constrained to do their share of the talking, but have not acquired +tactfulness in selecting the topic, nor alertness to avoid the +pitfalls--both of which traits may by sedulous self-training be acquired +by any one in whom, unhappily, they are not innate. + +In one of these instances bad manners were the natural expression of the +woman, because her impulse was selfish; for it is certainly true that a +person of truly unselfish nature will not offend by making personal +remarks. Manners are the expression of the heart, and the man or woman +who lives mentally in kindly, thoughtful relations with fellow men and +women will refrain from expressing the thought which might possibly give +offence. There is no mystery in social grace. It is remembering other +people in their several relations to us. The woman who is a social +success is not the one who has for her purpose in life so much the +desire merely to please, but the one whose desire, rather, is to make +others happy. One is a polite purpose; the other is a fine type of +unselfishness that makes impossible the utterance of unwelcome truths to +the chagrin of anyone encountered in the casual personal contact that we +term society. + +Holmes gave us some good advice when he said: "Don't flatter yourselves +that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your +intimates. On the contrary, the nearer you come into relation with a +person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become." + + + + +THE COMPLIMENT OF ATTENTION. + + _"Were we as eloquent as angels we should please some people more + by listening than by talking."_ + + _"A good listener is as needful to a witty talker as steel to + flint. It is the sharp contact of the two which makes the sparks + fly."_ + + +There are certain amenities attending social intercourse with which we +are all familiar, yet we are constantly forgetting to put them into +practice. In no respect is this forgetfulness more noticeable than in +conversation, and especially in connection with what may be called "the +compliment of attention." + +If you despair of becoming a good talker you can, at least, make +yourself a good listener, and that is something not to be despised. +There are apt to be more good talkers than good listeners, and, although +to say so may sound paradoxical, the better you listen, the greater +will be your reputation as a conversationalist. + +In the opinion of the cynical Rochefoucauld, the reason why so few +persons make themselves agreeable in conversation, is because they are +more concerned about what they are themselves going to say, than what +others are saying to them. + +If you have read "Nicholas Nickleby," you remember Mrs. Nickleby tells +how remarkable Smike was as a converser. She entertained poor Smike for +several hours with a genealogical account of her family, including +biographical sketches, while he sat looking at her and wondering what it +was all about, and whether she learned it from a book or said it from +her own head. + +Said a writer in the _Chicago Herald_: "What is there, indeed, more +colloquial than an intelligent countenance, eagerly intent upon one +while telling a story? What language can be compared to the speaking +blush or flashing eye of an earnest listener? It was Desdemona, with +greedy ear devouring his discourse, who won Othello's heart. He told his +wondrous story, and she listened--that only was the witchcraft he had +used." + +It is said of Sir Walter Scott that, although one of the best talkers in +the world, he was also the best listener. With the same bland look he +would watch, throughout an entire evening, the lips of his garrulous +tormentor ignorantly discoursing on Greek epigrams, or crassly dilating +on the intricacies of a parliamentary debate. + +It was said of Madame Récamier that she listened most winningly, and +this was one secret of her wonderful power to charm. + +We have all heard the story of Madame de Staël, who, by a clever +stratagem, was introduced to a deaf mute at a party. She talked to him +the whole evening, and afterward declared that never before had she met +so intelligent a listener and so fine a conversationalist. + +Do you remember the story told by Sterne in "The Sentimental Journey"? + +He had been represented to a French lady as a great wit and an engaging +converser, and the lady was impatient for an introduction that she might +hear him talk. + +They met, and, writes Sterne: "I had not taken my seat before I saw she +did not care a sou whether I had any wit or no. I was to be convinced +that she had. I call heaven to witness I never once opened the door of +my lips." + +The lady afterward said she never in her life had a more improving +conversation with a man. + +Many other instances might be mentioned derived from both fact and +fiction, to show how attentive listening may enhance the delights of +conversation, and that one may sometimes gain a reputation for +conversational powers by exercising one's ear instead of one's tongue. + +"A frequent caller at my home," said a lady, "is a capital story-teller, +always instructive and pleasing; but she is a poor listener. When my +part of the conversation comes in, her manner is depressing. I feel +embarrassed, my words become tangled, my memory leaves me, and I hurry +to close my remarks, conscious of having made a weak argument, although +I had a point when I began. My friend loses her easy manner when I +speak, becomes restless, and breaks in upon me before I have fairly +begun. Her unresponsive eyes tell me as plainly of her superiority as +though she had written it in black and white." + +Clergymen, teachers, and public speakers understand and appreciate +better than others "the compliment of attention." Embarrassing, indeed, +is it to anyone who is talking to observe signs of weariness and +inattention on the part of one's hearers. Those not accustomed to stand +before an audience seldom realize that a speaker feels and understands, +without conscious endeavor, the attitude toward him of every member of +his audience. The good listener inspires and encourages him, while the +restless, inattentive auditor is a thorn in the flesh, irritating and +distracting. + +At the close of a lecture given a few years ago in a town in Maine, the +lecturer--who was a state superintendent of schools--turned to the +writer and asked: + +"Who are those two ladies dressed in black, standing there by the +window?" + +After telling him their names the writer said, "Why do you ask?" + +The lecturer replied: "They have been of great help to me all the +evening. They are delightful listeners. They appeared to appreciate so +thoroughly everything I said that I seemed to be talking especially for +their benefit." + +"That girl," said a teacher, pointing to an attractive young lady just +leaving the school-room, "is the most restful pupil I ever had in my +school. She is so gentle in her demeanor, so thoughtful and so attentive +during recitations, that one cannot help loving her. No matter how +restless the other members of the school become, she is always giving +the closest attention. If one could have an entire school like her, +teaching would be a delight; but she is one among fifty." + +We gain many things besides the good will of others, by being good +listeners, even though we must sometimes submit to be bored to an +unlimited degree without interrupting the speaker, or responding in any +other way than by "nods and becks and wreathéd smiles." + +"Open your mouth and shut your eyes and see what heaven will send you," +says the old maxim; but, "shut your mouth and open your eyes," has been +suggested as much more sensible advice under some circumstances. + +"But," you say, "we are told that Samuel Johnson, Tennyson and Macaulay, +and many other great thinkers, usually monopolized the conversation when +they were in company, and their friends delighted to listen to them. +Surely they gave but little heed to 'the compliment of attention.'" Very +true, but no doubt they would have been sometimes more agreeable to the +company if they had been more considerate of the wishes of other people. +Great men are great in spite of their weaknesses, not because of them. +We can forgive unpleasant propensities in a genius more easily than in +the average mortal, and as almost all of us are average mortals, without +a trace of anything akin to genius, we cannot afford to dispense with +any of those qualities which help to make us pleasing to others. We +should remember that there was but one Macaulay--a man who could talk +brilliantly on almost all subjects--and notwithstanding his brilliancy, +his friends admitted that he was often something of a bore. + +A very useful lesson may be learned from a little story which appeared +some years ago in _The Youth's Companion_: + +George Paul, a young civil engineer, while surveying a railway in the +Pennsylvania hills, met a plain, lovable little country girl, and +married her. After a few weeks he brought her home to his family in New +York, and left her there while he returned to camp. + +Marian had laid many plans to win the affections of her new kinsfolk. +She had practiced diligently at her music; she was sure they would be +pleased to hear her stories of her beautiful sister and her brother; she +imagined their admiration of her new blue silk gown and winter bonnet. +But the Pauls, one and all, were indifferent to her music, her family +and her gowns. They gave "George's wife" a friendly welcome, and then +each went on his or her way, and paid no more attention to her. + +After the first shock of disappointment Marian summoned her courage. + +"If I have nothing to give them, they have much to give me," she +thought, cheerfully. She listened eagerly when Isabel sung, and her +smiles and tears showed how keenly she appreciated the music. She +examined Louisa's paintings every day with unflagging interest, +discussed every effect, and was happy if she could help mix the colors +or prepare the canvas. She questioned grandma about her neuralgia, +advised new remedies, or listened unwearied to the account of old ones +day after day. When Uncle John, just returned from Japan, began to +describe his adventures, Marian was the only auditor who never grew +tired nor interrupted him. + +After a two hours' lecture, in which her part had been that of a dumb, +bright-faced listener, Uncle John declared that George's wife was the +most intelligent woman he had ever met. + +When George came home the whole family was loud in her praises. +She was a fine musician; she had unerring taste in art; she was +charming, witty and lovable. But George soon saw that she had won them +unconsciously--not by displaying her own merits, but by appreciating +theirs. + +This is a true story in fact, but the truth of its meaning is repeated +wherever a woman is found who has that quality called charm. She may be +plain or even deformed, but she will win friendship and love. + +Many an attractive girl would save herself much anxiety and vain effort +on her entrance into the world of society, if she understood that +society, so called, is composed of individuals, the most of whom desire +not to find the beauty, the wit, the talent of others, but to elicit the +cordial recognition by others, of their own. + + + + +THE VOICE. + + _"Tender tones prevent severe truths from offending."_ + + _"There are tones which set commonplace words apart, and give them + lights and deeps of meaning, just as one fine emotion idealizes + and exalts a homely face."_ + + _"There is no power of love so effective as a kind voice. A kind + hand is deaf and dumb. It may be rough in flesh and blood, yet do + the work of a soft heart, and do it with a soft touch. But there + is no one thing that love so much needs as a sweet voice to tell + what it means and feels."_ + + +In our efforts to please, while much depends upon what we say, quite as +much depends upon how we say it. The influence of a pleasing voice is +wonderful; who has not felt its charm? + +It has been said that the greatest defect in the American woman is her +voice, and while this may not be strictly true, there are heard in +conversation at home and abroad many voices more unpleasant than +necessary--more harsh, more rasping. + +A woman's voice may imply good breeding, or the reverse, and in +estimating the power of feminine charms, a pleasing voice should be +placed very near the head of the list. Is it not strange, then, that so +little effort is made to remedy defects in vocal expression? + +We cultivate the voice for singing and for elocutionary effects, but +little is done for the average boy or girl by way of training the voice +for the everyday effect. Only a few can sing well enough to give +pleasure to others, but we all talk every day of our lives, and often +the quality of our voice speaks more significantly than the words we +utter. A sympathetic tone will often win us a friend, though what we say +may be of little importance. Purity of accent plays a great part in the +art of charming, and it has been truly said that "a woman may be ugly, +old, without distinction or instruction, but if she have a soft, +insinuating, mellow-toned voice, she will charm as much as her more +beautiful sister." + +A telephone operator in a place near New York was on a certain Christmas +the recipient of checks for five, ten and a hundred dollars, a diamond +pin, a dress pattern, and eight boxes of confectionery; although she was +known to the donors only by her gentle voice, by the deference of its +tone, by her readiness to accommodate, and by her office number as one +of the operators. + +Why is it that we regard vocal training and oral expression as something +to be confined wholly to the specialists? We think such training is +needed by public speakers and readers, and by all who intend to make a +professional use of the voice, but we do not appreciate its value for +the average man or woman. + +"What should we think," says _Expression_, "of a woman who dresses in +the richest of apparel, who is extremely careful of every point of +dress, but who speaks with a nasal twang and throaty tone, and makes no +effort to correct the fault? We know that this is often the case. Why is +not the inconsistency corrected? Why is there no endeavor to improve the +voice and make it beautiful and winning? What a sensitiveness people +exhibit about going abroad with a smudge on the face; but, alas! there +is little sensitiveness regarding a smudge on one's voice. + +The truth is that voice culture should not be confined to the few, but +should become a prescribed branch of the education of boys and girls +generally. Not alone are the voices of the women too often unmelodious, +but those of the men also need attention. A fine voice may be of +inestimable value to a man. The majority of the celebrated orators have +been aided by the possession of a good voice, along with the knowledge +requisite to enable them to employ it effectively. Mr. Lecky says that +O'Connell's voice, rising with a melodiously modulated swell, filled the +largest auditoriums and triumphed over the wildest tumult, while at the +same time it conveyed every shade of feeling with the most delicate +flexibility. + +Mr. Gladstone's voice is said to have had the musical quality and the +resonance of a silver trumpet; while William Pitt, who was a ruler in +Parliament at the age of twenty-one, possessed a voice of masterful +power yet of a wonderful sweetness. + +Webster's voice, on the occasion of his reply to Senator Dickinson, was +so commanding, so forceful, that one of his listeners said he felt all +the night as if a heavy cannonade had been resounding in his ears. + +Garrick used to say that he would give one hundred guineas if he could +say "Oh" as Whitefield would say it. + +"But," you declare, "nature has not given us voices like the voices of +those celebrated men, and we must be content with what we have." + +While nature may not have bestowed upon us their melodious voices, we +can do much to improve our own. A study of biography will inform us that +many of the most successful speakers, whether actors or orators, have +been men and women possessing some native defect of speech or figure +which they resolutely mastered by patient, persevering application. We +all know of Demosthenes' impediment of speech, and are familiar with the +story of his months of struggle and his final success. + +Savonarola, when he first spoke in the cathedral at Florence, was +considered a failure, on account of his wretched voice and awkward +manner. Phillips Brooks, one of the greatest preachers America has +produced, was told by his college president that the ministry was out of +the question for him because of his nervousness and the defects of his +speech. + +It would be easy to multiply instances to show that the most awkward +body and the roughest voice may be brought under control. In fact, where +the voice is imperfect and the man is obliged to make a determined +effort to master it, he attains by this means, a mental vigor and an +emotional strength and a flexibility of voice and mind, as well as a +command over the body, which render his delivery in the highest degree +effective. + +Again, it is not sufficient that we have naturally a melodious voice; +we must know how, or else learn how, to use it. There must be feeling +and expression in one's tones. If we wish to express cordiality, words +are futile unless the voice sounds the feeling we wish to express. We +need to learn how to modulate the voice so as to make it a true reflex +of the mind and mood. Unless it tells of sincerity, apologies fail to +convince of a contrite spirit. Unless it conveys confidence, +protestations are in vain; yet the very tone of one's voice may allay +bitterness, though one may stumble over the words of an apology. If, +then, one recognizes the fact that his voice is colorless and devoid of +feeling, though his heart be warm, let him at once apply himself to +remedying the defect. + +Listen to your own voice when speaking, and note the harsh, strident +tones, and the imperfect inflection, and correct them. Many girls speak +in a nervous, jerky, rapid way, beginning a sentence and repeating a +portion of it two or three times before completing it. Some speak in +high, shrill tones which are not only displeasing but positively +irritating because discordant. Some speak too fast, while others, going +to the opposite extreme, simply drawl. These are defects which can be +corrected, and, by correcting them we add measurably to our power to +charm. + +If you do not understand the imperfections of your tone productions, or +the faults in your manner of speaking, or if you have trouble in +correcting them, go to one who does know, and who is as sensitive to the +speaking voice as he is to the singing voice. It may cost you something +to do this, but it will be money judiciously expended. You take music +lessons, both vocal and instrumental, and you do not consider the money +expended for such lessons as wasted even though you have no intention of +going upon the stage in opera or of becoming a professional pianist. You +study music as an accomplishment. Why then should you not give some +time, and if need be, a little money for the purpose of perfecting your +speaking voice, if by so doing you can make yourself more agreeable to +others. You may not be called upon very often to sing or play for other +people, but you will talk every day and many times each day, and the +voice is "the agent of the soul's expression." + +"The art of singing," says _The Boston Herald_, "strange to say, does +not include the art of speaking, for some very fine singers have harsh +and unmusical voices in conversation. But with all the training now +given to the rising generation, voice education should be considered. +Take the rasp and the hardness out of your sons' and daughters' speech, +and give them another grace with which to conquer society." + +The importance of what we say and how we say it, has never been more +clearly or pointedly expressed than in this quotation from an American +writer: "A man may look like a monkey and yet turn out to be a +philosopher; a man may dress like a vagabond, and yet have the +intuitions of a scholar and a gentleman. The face, the expression of the +eye, the dress, the manner even, may all be deceptive, but the voice and +speech of men and women classify them infallibly." + + + + +GOOD MANNERS. + + _Life is not so short but that there is always time for + courtesy._ + EMERSON. + + _"Politeness is real kindness kindly expressed. This is the sum + and substance of all true politeness. Put it in practice and all + will be charmed with your manner."_ + + _Young men generally would doubtless be thoroughly astonished + if they could comprehend at a single glance how greatly their + personal happiness, popularity, prosperity, and usefulness + depend on their manners._ + J. G. HOLLAND. + + +In attracting others to us the value of a pleasing manner cannot be +estimated. It is like sunshine. We feel it at once, and we are attracted +to the person who possesses it. + +"Give a boy address and accomplishments," said Emerson, "and you give +him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes; he has not +the trouble of earning or owning them: they solicit him to enter and +possess." + +Much has been written upon this subject. Indeed, so much has been said, +and said so well, that there will be little attempt to do anything else +in this chapter than to bring together some of the best thoughts of the +best authors. + +The men and women who have accomplished great things in the world have, +as a rule, understood the value of politeness, and have acted in +accordance with that knowledge. You can, possibly, recall a very few +exceptions, but these were persons great in spite of their lack of +courtesy, and they would have been even greater had they practiced the +art of gentle manners. + +The Duke of Marlborough, whose general education was in some respects +sadly neglected, had so irresistible a charm of manner that he swayed +the destinies of nations. Mirabeau, who was unattractive in person, won +by his politeness the good will of all with whom he came in contact. +There has been no time in the history of the world when good manners +counted for more than they do at the present time. In fact, to-day more +than ever before a man is dependent for success upon his personality. +Good manners often bring to one many things that wealth cannot procure, +and "politeness has won more victories than powder." + +"No one," says an American writer, "who has any appreciation of grace +and beauty in nature or in art can fail to recognize the charm of fine +manners in an individual. We rejoice in them as we do in a lovely sunset +view, or a beautiful piece of architecture, or a fascinating poem, for +their own sake and for what they express; but even beyond this they have +another attraction in the magnetic power they exert upon all beholders +in setting them at ease, in sweeping away shyness, awkwardness and +restraint, and in stimulating them to the expression of whatever is best +worth cherishing within them." + +It is undoubtedly true that the presence of fine manners, whether it be +in the home or the social circle, in the workshop or the counting-room, +in the visit of charity or the halls of legislation, has an immediate +effect in reproducing itself, in diffusing happiness, in developing the +faculties, and in eliciting the best that is in everybody. + +Surely there is no quality that a girl or a woman can possess which +recommends her more favorably to the good opinion of others than that of +uniform courtesy and good manners. + +William Wirt's letter to his daughter on the "small, sweet courtesies of +life," contains a passage from which a deal of happiness may be +learned. "I want to tell you a secret. The way to make yourself pleasant +to others is to show them attention. The whole world is like the miller +at Mansfield, who cared for nobody--no not he, because nobody cared for +him. And the whole world would serve you so, if you gave them the same +cause. Let everyone, therefore, see that you do care for them by showing +them the small courtesies in which there is no parade, whose voice is +still to please; and which manifest themselves by tender and +affectionate looks, and little acts of attention, giving others the +preference in every little enjoyment at the table, walking, sitting, or +standing." + +Young men who wish to make their way in the world cannot afford to +forget that there is not in all the world a talisman of such potent +magic as the irresistible spell of a charming manner. While in some +cases it seems innate, it can, in a great measure, be acquired. Yet a +careful observer of the young men of the present generation cannot fail +to notice a tendency, on the part of some at least, to disregard the +small courtesies of life--the intangible, yet very perceptible little +things which make the man a gentleman. Some people even contend that +outward manner is a secondary consideration if the head is well stored +with knowledge, and that if a young man has the faculty to get on in +the world, it is a matter of very little importance if he have not the +manners of a Chesterfield. That this idea is prevalent is accounted for +by the great number of well-educated men--men of ability and power--who, +clever and with no lack of brains, are painfully deficient in good +breeding. With no intentional lapses they are awkward, presuming, and +even vulgar. + +"In most countries," says the _Toronto Week_, "an educated man and a +gentleman are almost synonymous terms. On this side of the Atlantic they +by no means always apply to the same man. Educational advantages are +within the reach of all classes of people--even persons who have missed +the benefit of home training for their manners, or who have not numbered +cultured persons among their acquaintances. Such persons by native +ability and hard work often attain to high positions of honor and trust +in the various professions, and win for themselves the title of +'self-made.' + +"Yet because a man by his brains, energy, and pluck carves out his own +fortune, putting himself in a prominent position, is it not very +desirable that he should also cultivate the courtesies of life so that +the talent be not hidden by roughness and uncultivated bearing." + +We frequently meet college students--especially from the smaller +colleges--good, honest, earnest, ambitious fellows, who are working hard +to make their way in the world. They are poor, and have come from homes +where the stern realities of gaining a livelihood have left, apparently, +no time for culture; where the table manners are but little better than +those of the logging camp, and where the graces of refined speech and +manners have never even taken root. They may take never so high a rank +in their college studies, may pursue the work preparatory to a +profession with never so much diligence, yet they will always be +handicapped by their ignorance of those embellishments so necessary to +social, and even business, success. They find themselves continually +placed at a disadvantage, and their lack of social training is +responsible for failures which might have been avoided. + +Because a man is a successful lawyer he is not justified in saying that +he can be his own tailor, or that ill-fitting clothes, if belonging to +him and of his own make, are as suitable as those of a good cut. So it +is with the intellectual giant who takes no heed of his manners. He may +learn much from less talented persons, who are, nevertheless, his +superiors in many respects. Desirable as it may be for a young man to +shun the extravagance of the æsthete, and to despise the shams of +society, he cannot afford to neglect the courtesies of life; and he +does well who, while devoting his energies to mathematics and the +classics, pays attention to the improvement of his manners. It is while +young that manners are formed; the most strenuous efforts will not +wholly eradicate in after life the awkward habits formed in youth. + +The young man who is ambitious, upon whom Dame Fortune is already +turning a dawning smile, should pause and think about this matter. Some +time he may be rich; some time he may aspire to a high position in +society or in public life, and he should begin early to fit himself for +the proud position he means to occupy. + +The outward address of a man has no little influence upon his success in +business. The polite attention and readiness to meet every reasonable, +and often unreasonable, demand of his customers, on the part of A. T. +Stewart, when he opened his narrow linen store on Broadway, was almost +as important a factor in his rapid success in securing business as his +remarkable quickness in discovering changes in the market, and in +adapting his goods to the taste and necessities of his patrons. This +marked self-restraint and politeness of manner he retained to the last. + +It is strange that every business man does not appreciate the commercial +value of politeness. The writer knows a clerk who is employed in a drug +store in one of the largest towns of Maine. So polite is he in his +attentions to customers, so willing to be helpful, so pleasing in his +manner, with that restraint and quietness which mark the gentleman and +destroy every trace of effusion, that he has made himself invaluable to +his employer. It is reported that, more than once, his friends have +urged him to establish a business of his own, but his employer, +realizing his value in attracting and holding customers, has turned him +from the idea by a generous increase of salary. Thousands of clerks and +thousands of professional and business men could greatly increase their +earning power by closer attention to the accepted rules of courtesy. + +Some people excuse a roughness of manner by saying that they detest +affectations of all kinds, that they love the truth, that they are +perfectly frank and outspoken. Such people pride themselves upon their +naturalness, and on the ground of frankness they will wound by rude +language, will insult you, and defend their awkwardness and ill-breeding +by the plea of "natural manners." Naturalness is not always commendable. +If nature has not invested us with those qualities which are pleasing to +others, we should try to improve upon nature. The plainest truths may be +conveyed in civil speech, and it is better to "assume a virtue if you +have it not." To object to politeness on the ground that its language is +sometimes unmeaning and expressed for effect, is as foolish as it would +be to object to the decoration of our parlors or the wearing of good +clothes. + +In the ordinary compliments of good society there is no intention to +deceive. Polite language is pleasant to the ear, and soothing to the +heart, while rough words are the reverse, and while they may not always +be the result of bad temper, they are quite likely to cause it. + +The motive for politeness should not be the desire to shine, or to raise +one's self into society supposed to be better than one's own. The +cultivation of good manners is not merely a means to the gratification +of personal vanity, but it is a duty we owe not only to other people but +to ourselves; a duty to make ourselves better in every respect than we +are. Indeed, the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that +of good morals that they seem almost inseparable. + +"Did you ever think how invisible is the armor of defence afforded by +perfect politeness?" asks _Harper's Bazar_. "Neither man, woman nor +child can resist it. The quick tempered Irish maid who loses her hold on +her tongue so easily and 'answers back' with a hot retort is abashed +when her mistress meets her with quiet courtesy. The angry person, off +guard and saying what he really does not mean, is foiled by the +self-control of his interlocutor, who has not, for an instant, forgotten +the gracious manner of good breeding." + +Politeness is, perhaps, instinctive with some, but with the majority it +is a matter of training, of the slow and careful discipline of voice and +eye and carriage. Under this training all the angles of personal vanity +and self-consciousness are rubbed off, the person becomes adorned with +grace, ease, simplicity and gentleness, and what may seem to the +untrained observer as the perfection of naturalness may be simply the +perfection of culture. + +Very sensitive persons who suffer acutely from fancied slights can save +themselves many wounds by always being as scrupulous in giving as they +are in exacting courtesy. To suffer one's self to perpetrate a rudeness +is to lay one's self open to the same. In nothing should we be less +economical than in politeness. It should lead us to prompt and generous +acknowledgment of every kindness, to responsive thanks when a gift, +however small, is brought to our door. It should oblige us to listen +with patient attention even to the person whose conversation is not +entertaining, to sit apparently absorbed when in public we are present +at concert or lecture. This defensive armor, so smooth, so polished, so +easily worn, will make our intercourse with society agreeable. + +The fact is, that when we come in contact with human beings anywhere and +in any occupation, we are quite likely to get in return just what we +give. + +A man who is always the gentleman seldom meets with rebuffs from even +the most unpolished and crude. The employer who uses kind words with his +workmen, usually gets kind words in return. + + + + +DRESS. + + _"No woman is ugly who is well dressed."_ + SPANISH PROVERB. + + _For the apparel oft proclaims the man._ + HAMLET. + + _I believe in dress. I believe that God delights in beautiful + things, and as he has never made anything more beautiful than + woman, I believe that that mode of dressing the form and face + which best harmonizes with her beauty is that which pleases him + best._ + J. G. HOLLAND. + + +As the author of this volume is a man, this chapter on dress is, of +course, written from a man's point of view. He knows very well that, +were he to attempt to write scientifically of woman's clothes he would +be lost. No one but a woman can do that. The man who tried it would soon +find himself bewildered by a maze of technical terms and expressions +which seem absolutely necessary to describe exactly what is meant. +Possibly, however, the author can take a broad, mental grasp of the +subject apart from and above the pretty finesse with which feminine +writers would treat the subject. Clothes are the woman's weapons, one of +the resources of civilization, with which woman marches forth to the +conquest of the masculine world, and the writer wishes to estimate from +the man's standpoint just how much the silks, the laces, the ribbons and +the velvets have to do in influencing the masculine heart. + +What one wears is accepted as an index of one's character. Whether this +is as it should be or not, yet it is true; and we all feel, more or +less, that coarseness or refinement finds visible expression in apparel +as in no other way. "Surely," says _The Boston Journal_, "nothing so +intensifies the personality as the clothes one wears; through +association they become a part of us, help to identify us, even in some +peculiar, reactionary way, serve to control our mental states." + +Many women will tell you that their most infallible cure for weariness +and the blues is to go and dress up in one of their prettiest gowns. +Many men will tell you that a clean shave, clean linen, and a fresh suit +of clothes are most reviving and soothing in their effect upon the +psychical as well as the physical man. + +The statement, often made, that women dress well only to please the +men, is only a fraction of the truth. + +They dress to please the men; to please one another, and to please +themselves. Which of these three motives is the strongest depends upon +the individual, for,--"while there are men and men, there are women and +women and women," and it is absurd to make any attempt to analyze +motives or to formulate principles which will apply to all women. + +The men who dress well do it for the women and for themselves. The +effect that their apparel has upon others of their own sex, gives men +but little concern. If all the women should be taken from the world +tailors would at once lose half their business, for the men would +immediately begin to wear out their old clothes. + +As a rule, few men care very much for fine clothes for their own sake, +but a love of dress is natural in woman, and one who exhibits +indifference in regard to her personal appearance convicts herself of +either indolence, self-righteousness or pedantry. A woman who has not +some natural taste in dress, who does not take a positive delight in +combinations of colors, who is not fond of fine apparel for its own +sake, is an anomaly. + +Men do not notice details of a woman's dress. Few know enough about the +subject to distinguish cheese-cloth from _point d'esprit_. The +description in detail of a new gown as given in a fashion journal is +about as intelligible to the average man as the inscriptions on an +Assyrian tablet. + +They accept the woman as a whole, and consider her, and what she has on, +as one harmonious, homogeneous, unanalyzable completeness. If you doubt +this ask a man to tell you how a certain lady was dressed at a reception +he attended the evening before. Perhaps he noticed her particularly +while there, and told you at the time that she was becomingly attired. +He may be able to tell you that she wore a pink waist, or that the +prevailing color of her costume was blue, but there his knowledge of the +subject ends. + +While it is true that men give but little thought to the details of a +woman's dress, unless it is conspicuously bad, very many of them know +whether she is becomingly attired or not. While they may have no clear +idea as to whether the material of a gown cost five cents or five +dollars a yard, or whether the gown itself is quite in fashion, they +know whether the owner carries it well, and whether the material, style +and color are becoming to her. Perhaps, on the whole, a man of good +taste is a better judge than a woman as to whether she is becomingly +dressed. This is because they regard the subject from entirely different +standpoints. The stylishly gowned woman is, to the average woman, well +dressed, but not necessarily so to the man. It is a perpetual wonder to +some men why women have not the courage to reject certain combinations +and certain styles of dress that are inharmonious and ugly in +themselves, and, consequently, unbecoming to the one who wears them. + +Years ago certain colors were thought to be becoming to certain types of +women. There was an undisputed tradition in regard to the colors which +the blonde should wear, and also what ones were becoming to the +brunette. This was not a dictate of fashion; it was a fact ascertained +by experience. Of late these traditions have been disregarded by +fashion, and the stylish woman wears any color or combination she +pleases, but often at the sacrifice of her good looks. + +Fashion cannot change the laws of cause and effect--the laws of +harmony--and if the decided brunette chooses to wear colors which are +becoming only to blondes she does it at the expense of half her natural +beauty. Men feel this and wonder what is amiss. + +A few years ago fashion made quite common a style of sailor hat with +diminutive crown made in the shape of an hour-glass. They were ugly in +themselves, and when perched upon the head detracted from the beauty of +any face. Nothing could be more ridiculous than the sight of a stout, +tall girl, with broad hips and prominent features, marching along the +street with her head surmounted by that parody on the most becoming of +all hats for a young woman--the sailor. One at once called to mind the +dice-box which the negro minstrel wears to make himself appear as funny +as possible. One man wittily characterized them as "the hats that wore +corsets." Men never liked them, but thousands of them were worn. + +From a man's point of view it would be far better if women made a more +comprehensive and sensible study of their individual needs in dress and +did not blindly follow the decrees of fashion; if more women would +realize that the garment suitable to a tall, slim figure, is utterly +inappropriate to a stout, short one. When Sara Bernhardt invented the +glove which was to give size and form to her thin and poorly shaped arm, +she recognized the highest aim of fashion. When a woman is in need of a +new hat or bonnet, a man's advice would be: "Hunt the tables until you +find one which, in shape and trimming, is suitable and becoming to you. +Never mind if it is not the very latest style; if it suits your face and +figure, take it, and you will not be sorry." + +In furnishing a room we understand that we should put in it only what +makes the room look better--not what is simply pretty in itself; and if +women would follow a similar plan in dress,--wear only what is becoming +to them, and not wear things, simply because they think them pretty and +fashionable, men would be better pleased. Man is attracted by a woman's +beauty itself, and whether she has just the latest modes or not seldom +interests him in the least. So the girl who would dress to please men, +should, first of all, wear what will show off her natural attractiveness +of face and figure to the best advantage; after that she may be as +fashionable as possible. + +Without doubt many girls attach too much importance to dress as a means +of attracting the other sex. It is frequently the case that, when a +young lady is invited to a social function, her first thought is, "What +shall I wear?" Her second thought is, "What shall I wear?" This question +is with her much of the time until she goes to the place where she is to +be entertained; and as she enters the room her first thought is, "I +wonder how I look." If, upon an examination of the other young ladies +present, she concludes that she is as well dressed as anyone there, she +experiences a feeling of restfulness and of satisfaction, and enjoys the +evening. She imagines she must be an object of interest to the men, and +to an extent she is. + +Men like women to be "well groomed." They take in her whole appearance +at a glance, and then pay but little further attention to the question +of gowns, ribbons, slippers or sashes. They want to be entertained and +amused. If the only preparation a young lady has made to render herself +attractive and interesting is the care bestowed upon her personal +appearance; if her resources for attracting consist only of a pretty +face and a graceful figure in a pretty gown, she will never become +famous for her conquests. + +Simplicity and exquisitely fresh neatness and daintiness are to a man +more attractive than any extravagance of fashion or costliness of +material. No man was ever induced to propose to a girl by the splendor +of her costume. Of course it would be absurd to assert that physical +beauty is of no value, or that dress is of little importance. That girl +who is born physically beautiful, is fortunate indeed, and any girl of +common sense knows that an attractive gown or a becoming hat is of +importance. The great thing for her to understand is that there must be +something better under the becoming hat than a pretty face, for her own +happiness, and if she would be very attractive to others. + +Just as there are some persons who are said to be born magnetic, so some +women are supposed to have a peculiarly attractive way of wearing +clothes which defies imitation. + +Said a writer in the _Springfield Republican_: "There is a subtle +something which one cannot get on the microscopic slide, which refuses +to be reduced to percentages, which baffles description, and that is the +manner in which some women wear their clothes. Two girls with faces of +equal value and garments of identical texture will fail to produce +equivalent effects, because one has this indefinable quality, and the +other has not. Consequently we often hear it said that some girls are +more attractive in calico than others in richer material." + +That there is a marked difference in the way different women wear their +clothes, no one will deny, but because some girls look and appear to +better advantage than others in the same material, is it necessary to +regard it as beyond comprehension, or to declare that it "baffles +description"? The writer did not go far enough in his description of the +two girls. While their faces were of equal value, and their clothing was +of the same material, there might be other differences which would +account for the "indefinable quality." Possibly one was pleasing in +manner and the other not. One was awkward in person and in speech, +while the other was tactful and graceful. One was dull; the other +interesting. The difference was one of physical and mental +characteristics, and not a quality that "baffles description." Indeed it +is a difference easily understood and analyzed. + +If two girls have faces and forms of equal value, and are equally +graceful, tactful and well mannered, their clothes, if of the same form +and material, will be worn in much the same way, and will produce much +the same effect. + + * * * * * + +No man, whatever his position in the world may be, can afford to be +careless about his personal appearance. Dress may not make the man, but +we all form in our minds a very clear idea of what a man is by his +dress. We gain our first impression of persons by what they have on; our +second judgment is formed from their conversation and manner. + +The well dressed man is more attractive to others, and he feels much +better himself than he would if carelessly attired. Have you noticed the +wonderful transformation which takes place in a man when he doffs his +everyday clothes and dons a dress suit? During the day he may have an +untidy and even a slovenly appearance, but as soon as he puts on a well +laundered shirt, a high standing collar, a fresh lawn tie, and a dress +suit, he seems completely changed. He looks from five to ten years +younger, and from his manner you know that he feels younger. He is on +better terms with himself and with the world. + +Every woman likes a man better for being well dressed. She may excuse, +or overlook, carelessness or even slovenliness in his personal +appearance, if she is very fond of him, but she would like him much more +if he were neat and tidy and tasteful. She may forgive his green and +yellow necktie, she may overlook his soiled linen, she may make no +reference to his coat with its collar covered with dust and dandruff; +she may not let him know that she has even noticed any of these things, +but she has. She thinks of them whenever he is with her, and sometimes +when she is away from him, and she wishes he were different. She may +like him in spite of these defects. Women usually like a man in spite of +things. If a man noticed half as many things about a woman that did not +please him, he would never love her at all. + +Leaving out of the question the fact that women like to have men neat +and even elegant in their raiment, no man who is seeking to make his way +in business or in a profession, can afford to be careless about his +clothes. + +"A few men," says _The Lewiston Journal_, "clothed in the serenity of +soul that approaches the insanity of genius can afford to go +illy-clothed. President Lincoln was given free license to wear frock +coats unbecomingly. Horace Greeley could wear a linen duster with grace +and equanimity. But they were unique. They could make fashion look +insignificant, but you and I cannot, if we care to move amid the throng +of busy people seeking passage on the car of progress." + +No better advice has been given to men on the subject of dress than in +an article which appeared in _Success_. A short extract from the article +will close this chapter. + +"Clothes are one of the accepted standards by which men are judged the +world over. They form the chief standard of first impression; so, for +that reason alone, it would be difficult to overestimate their +importance. They show at a glance whether a man is neat or untidy; +careful or careless; methodical or shiftless, and what sort of taste he +has. Nothing else about him reflects so much of his personal +characteristics. So it is not surprising to be told by those who yearly +give employment to thousands of men and boys, that more applicants are +turned away on account of their personal appearance than for all other +reasons put together. But it would surprise some people very much if +they knew how widely this rule is applied. + +The well dressed man is one whose clothes do not make him the object of +comment, either because they are showy or shabby. He never goes to the +extremes of fashion, thereby courting notoriety; he never goes to the +other extreme by paying no attention at all to what he wears or how he +wears it. He is always modest in his attire. He conforms to the +established customs of changing his attire as the occasion demands, +without making himself a slave to reform. He does not always wear +expensive clothes, nor is it at all necessary that he should. But he is +always clean and neat, or, as the present day has it, he is "well +groomed." + + + + +THE OPTIMIST. + + _The habit of looking on the bright side of things is worth far + more than a thousand pounds a year._ + --SAMUEL JOHNSON. + + _"More than half the unhappiness in the world comes from a + person's unwillingness to look on the bright side so long as + a dark side can be discovered."_ + + +We all like the optimist. The bright, cheerful, good-natured fellow, who +always looks through the cloud and sees its silver lining, is as good as +a tonic to our most pessimistic dispositions. If, then, you wish to make +yourself agreeable to others and to yourself, cultivate the habit of +cheerfulness--of always looking on the bright side. Wear a pleasant +countenance; let cheerfulness beam in your eye; let love write its mark +on your forehead, and have kind words and a pleasant greeting for those +whom you meet. Don't forget to say "good morning!" and say it heartily. +Say it to your brothers and sisters, your school-mates, your parents, +your teachers and your friends. Pleasant, hearty greetings cheer the +discouraged, rest the tired, and make the wheels of life run more +smoothly. They clear up the thorny pathways, win friends, and confound +enemies. In fact, it is impossible to resist the influence of +cheerfulness. Let a bright face beam on the darkness of defeat, shine on +the abode of poverty; illumine the chamber of sickness, and how +everything changes under its benign influence. + +Victory becomes possible, competence promises a golden future, and +health is wooed back again. + +On the other hand, you cannot estimate the amount of unhappiness you may +cause by wearing a clouded face and by speaking harsh, unkind words. + +Many persons fret and whine all through life. They never appear to have +a generous impulse. + +"They seem to have come into the world during one of those cold, bleak, +gloomy days, when there was nothing with which to build a fire. They, +apparently, grew up in the same bleak atmosphere, and they live in it +all their lives. You see their smallness in everything they do and say. +You see it in their buying and in their selling, in their talk and in +their actions. They have been well called 'the frogs that constitute +one of the plagues of society.' They have never made one heart glad, nor +shed one ray of sunshine upon man, woman, or child." + +It is just as easy to be kind as to be cross, and as easy to give +pleasure as pain. It costs nothing; it is a smile, an appreciative word, +a mention of what one likes to hear spoken of rather than an irritating +reference. + +If your minister has preached a sermon that interested and helped you, +tell him so. It will encourage and cheer him, and he will try to give +you still better sermons in the future. Remember that the preacher is +much more human than most people think, and that no man more highly +prizes the genuine, manly word of good cheer, sympathy and affection. If +your grocer has sold you something that was particularly good, tell him +so. No doubt you have often found fault with the tea and the flour and +the meat; then why not surprise him by letting him know that you +appreciate a good thing when you get it. + +Perhaps you have children who are attending the public schools. Perhaps +their teacher by patience, tact, and the expenditure of much nerve +force, has succeeded in interesting them in their studies as they have +never been before. Don't you think it would stimulate her to still +greater effort if you should say to her when you meet: "My children are +doing well at school this term. They like you and are interested in +their work." No doubt you have often severely criticised teachers, +methods, and school management, and you have been very free with your +words of condemnation. Why not help a little by some expression of +approval if you can honestly do so. + +Give pleasure to your wife, if you have one. Notice her painstaking +efforts to make home comfortable; compliment her dinner and show that +you appreciate the thousand things she does for your comfort. There is +no greater exhibition of heroic fortitude than is seen in one who dwells +in a cheerless home she does her best to brighten, and who wears away +the years in an unsatisfied desire for words and tokens of love and +sympathy which never come to her. + +Do not be afraid of giving something of yourself, of letting yourself +out a little; and do not fear that your heart will run away with your +head. Do not confound sentiment with sentimentalism, and do not hesitate +to praise a thing or an act if it is really worthy of it. You need to do +this for your own sake as well as for the sake of making others happy. + +"For my own sake," you say. "In what way will it help me if I bestow +praise upon another?" Praise, when it is deserved, is of more +importance to the giver than the receiver. + +"Praise does not immediately affect the merit of him to whom it is +awarded," said a writer recently, "but it does immediately affect the +merit of him to whom its awarding belongs. If a man deserves praise he +is quite as much of a man without it as with it; but no man can be so +much of a man, nor seem so much of a man, while withholding just praise +as while bestowing it." + +In little matters as well as in large ones, to acknowledge the merit of +others is a duty, the performance of which is even more important to the +one who owes it, than to the one to whom it is owed. We do not fail to +express our appreciation of heroic deeds, but it is in the common, +everyday life that the words of appreciation are most sorely needed, and +too seldom spoken. Many a woman would have been greatly cheered and +helped over many hard places, if, while living, she could have heard +half as many nice things said to her by those she loved, as were put +into her funeral sermon and obituary notice. + +There is, of course, a great difference between the expression of a due +and delicate appreciation of merit, and that false and exaggerated +praise which is dictated by the desire to flatter. The former is always +received with pleasure, but the latter wounds the susceptibility of +those on whom it is lavished. To a mind rightly constituted, there are +few things more painful than undeserved, or even excessive commendation. +Flattery is never excusable; deserved praise should never be withheld. + +Do not be a grumbler. Is there any person more unwelcome than the +chronic growler? When we meet him he begins by growling about the +weather; then you are entertained with a long account of his aches and +pains, his trials and his losses. Nothing pleases him. His neighbors are +dishonest, church members are hypocrites, public officials are, in his +estimation, all rascals, law makers are corrupt, and the country is +going to the dogs. If you speak in commendation of an individual, he at +once attempts to belittle him in your estimation. If you praise a cause +or an institution, he is sure to find fault with what you say. He wishes +your sympathy for his troubles, but he has none to give. + +We all crave sympathy, but, if we are not careful, we may exhaust the +patience, even of our best friends, with the recital of our troubles. If +your aches and pains are ever so bad, the best advice for you is "grin +and bear it." It is all very well to be an interesting invalid for a +short time. Your neighbors will bring you in good things to eat, and +your friends will bring you pretty flowers to look at, and books to +read, but do not remain too long in bed if you can help it, and do not +wear too long and sad a face when you are recovering. It will not +relieve your pain at all to tell everyone you meet how much you suffer, +and when your friends have sympathized with you a dozen times they +become a little tired of it. This advice is worthy of practice, not for +the sake of your friends only, but for your own. The burden cheerfully +borne becomes light, and any physician knows that the hopeful, cheerful +patient has many more chances of recovery than the despondent one. In +the lives of us all there are hours of anxiety, disappointment, pain and +vexation; seasons of trial that are to be met only with stubborn +patience. Greatness of soul is tested by the serenity with which these +inevitable ills are borne and finally overcome. The little mind will +fret and chafe and fume over little things, even as the petty stream +over its narrow, pebbly bed, while the deep, strong river moves swiftly +and silently over the boulders that lie at its bottom. + +"But," you say, "while the advice is good it is very hard to follow it." +Yes, but it is really harder not to heed it. "The bird that beats +against the iron bars of its cage suffers more than the patient +captive." + +Laugh all you can. It is good for you. Physicians tell us that laughing +has a direct and positive effect upon one's health. The physical +movement caused by a hearty laugh causes the arteries to dilate and the +flow of blood to hasten, thus promoting an acceleration of vital +processes; and a mental action through stimulating the blood vessels of +the brain. He who administers medicine in the shape of wit and humor to +the sad heart is most assuredly a "good Samaritan." + +The irresistible, good-humored philosophy of Mark Twain has relieved the +depression and sorrow of multitudes. He has compelled us to laugh, and +his mission in the world has been a beneficent one. A cheerful face is +as good for an invalid as pleasant weather. Cheerfulness is health, +melancholy is disease. Cheerfulness is just as natural to the heart of a +man in sound moral and physical health as color to his cheeks, and +wherever we see habitual gloom we may be sure there is something +radically wrong in the animal economy or the moral sense. + +Sydney Smith once gave a lady two-and-twenty receipts against +melancholy. One was a bright fire; another, to remember all the pleasant +things said to her; another, to keep a box of sugar plums on the chimney +piece and a kettle simmering on the hob. These are trivial things in +themselves but life is made up of these little pleasures and none +should be neglected because of their seemingly trifling nature. + +If our temperament does not make us naturally cheerful, we can, at +least, cultivate those habits of body and mind which seem most favorable +to the growth of this condition. We can keep the mind open to cheerful +impressions, and close it to those that are gloomy. It is far better to +magnify our blessings than to depreciate them. The Spaniard of whom +Southey tells that he always put on his magnifying glasses when he ate +cherries, in order to make them seem larger, had the true philosophy of +life. So the ancient Pompeiians seem to have well understood the art of +making the most of everything. Their gardens were very small, but by +painting the surrounding walls with plants and landscapes their little +area became indefinitely enlarged to the eye of the observer. + + + + +PERSONAL PECULIARITIES. + + _"Eccentricity may be harmless, but it never can be commendable; + it is one of the children of that prolific failing--vanity. And + whether it shows in feeling, manners, or peculiarities of dress, + it is clearly acted upon from the presumptuous supposition that + the many are in the wrong, the individual in the right."_ + + _Society will pardon much to genius and special gifts, but, being + in its nature a convention, it loves what is conventional or what + belongs to coming together. That makes the good and bad of + manners, namely, what helps or hinders fellowship._ + EMERSON. + + +We all know that the outward address of a person has great influence +upon his success both in the social and the business world. Thousands of +men and women are, in their efforts to please, hindered by some +personal peculiarity which is painfully apparent to other people, but of +which they themselves seem wholly ignorant. Thousands of professional +and business men are prevented from attaining the success they might +reach by some infelicity of manner or speech which could be remedied by +a little painstaking effort. + +Here is a physician who has prepared himself thoroughly for his +profession by years of hard study and by the expenditure of a +considerable sum of money, but he knows little of human nature, and but +little of the requirements of good society. He has no tact, and has not +thought it necessary to cultivate that quality. He is cold and +unsympathetic. He has no ability to make friends or to keep them. He is +not sociable, and he does not make himself agreeable to his patients by +those little kindly acts and sympathetic speeches so comforting to +invalids. He feels that he is well prepared to practice his profession, +and he regards any personal defects as of little importance. Other men +of less ability, but with more tact, soon outstrip him in the race for +public favor. He never succeeds in acquiring a large practice, and, +possibly, never knows the reason why. + +A young man applies for a position as a teacher. He is well equipped in +scholarship for the place he wishes, for he led his class in college, +and he comes highly recommended as a young man of integrity and +earnestness. After a short interview the superintendent of schools +decides that he is not the man for the position and the applicant goes +away disappointed. Why was he rejected? Not by reason of poor +scholarship, nor for lack of moral character, but simply on account of +his personal appearance. He was untidy in his dress. His linen was +soiled, his coat was not brushed, his cuffs were frayed at the edges, +while his finger-nails gave evidence that he was habitually careless +about personal neatness and cleanliness. The superintendent decided at +once that he did not want him, and the young man did not know why. + +Here is a young woman who is fine looking, intelligent and accomplished. +Apparently she possesses all those qualities which are necessary to make +her a favorite in society and she seems to deserve a host of friends. +Yet she is not greatly sought after by her acquaintances, and she has +few firm friends. Young men pay her but little attention, and seem +afraid of her. Other girls, less brilliant intellectually, with fewer +accomplishments, and with plainer faces, are far greater favorites in +society. Her particular weakness is that she has allowed herself to +fall into the practice of employing sarcasm to an extent which is +offensive to those with whom she talks. She has a habit of saying +disagreeable, biting things in a humorous way, and she never suspects +that people are hurt by them. She has cultivated the habit to such a +degree that she can always raise a laugh at some person's expense, and +she is constantly on the watch for opportunities to exercise this +accomplishment. Finally it dawns upon her that she does not hold her +friends; that she is sometimes slighted in the matter of invitations; +that she is not a popular girl, and she doesn't know why. + +A certain clergyman is a fine preacher, capable of attracting, +instructing, and inspiring the most cultivated audiences, but he is shut +out from his proper sphere of usefulness and influence, and prevented +from reaching the position for which his endowments qualify him, by a +matter which might seem trifling in itself, but which has become +offensive through its persistent hold upon him. He exhibits a lack of +proper deference to the feelings of others, an arrogant and +unsympathetic tone of voice, and sometimes yields, under opposition, to +unrestrained violence of language. He betrays his weakness every time +anyone crosses his plans and desires. It seems hard for him to +understand that others have an equal right to their preference and +opinions. He forgets that while it is easy to be amiable when everyone +agrees with him, the test of character is in keeping the temper sweet +and reasonable when people differ from him and criticise him. He +understands his power to move audiences; he is told by persons competent +to judge that his sermons are superior; he knows that in higher +intellectual qualities he surpasses many other clergymen who secure and +retain prominent positions; yet the painful truth is forced upon him +that his services as a pastor are not sought for, while inferior +preachers are selected for places of power and influence. + +A man goes into trade. He is a shrewd buyer, energetic, honest, and +keeps a good assortment of goods, but he is not obliging to customers. +He is short and crusty in his speech, irritable and sometimes almost +rude in his manner; consequently he does not hold his patrons. They +leave him, one by one, and do their purchasing at other stores where +they receive polite attention. The merchant does not prosper in +business, and he never knows why. + +Here is a woman who prides herself upon her plain speaking. She boasts +that when she has anything to say she is willing to say it to one's +face, and not behind one's back. She thinks it is a mark of sincerity +and frankness to say disagreeable things and to bring one's infirmities +to the surface. Her tendencies finally become fixed habits. She finds +herself shunned by her acquaintances, and she does not know why. + +Then there is the loquacious woman, the woman who monopolizes the +conversation, the woman who has an apparent contempt for paragraph and +punctuation. No matter what the topic of conversation may be, she at +once takes the management of it into her own hands, and the other +members of the company are made to feel at once that they are expected +to be only listeners. The loquacious woman may talk well--she often +does--but she fails to understand that there may be such a thing as too +much even of good things, and so she talks on and on, with an utter +disregard for the rights and the comfort of those around her. + +A professional man, who possesses much intellectual force and +originality, takes pride in his unconventionality in the matter of +dress. His garments are so far from the prevailing style that they +attract attention and invite comment. He does not realize that the man +who rebels against fashion may be open even more to the imputation of +vanity than he who obeys it, because he makes himself conspicuous, and +practically announces that he is wiser than his associates. An +affectation of superior simplicity is vulgarity. + +Stop a moment and recall twenty men and women of your acquaintance. You +will probably remember that two-thirds of them have some peculiarity, +some defect of speech or manner which detracts from their social and +business success, or from their usefulness. One is a gossip; another +possesses a hasty temper, while a third is intellectually dishonest, +never yielding his position, even under the most absolute proof that he +is in the wrong. One of your friends is a pessimist, and is continually +attempting to convert you to his point of view, while his wife is so +inquisitive that you at once become nervous when you perceive her +approach. A young woman of your acquaintance would be a most charming +person if she did not laugh too much. A conversation with her is, upon +her part, a perpetual giggle. + +These may generally be good, intelligent, and, in many respects, +charming people, but unfortunately they are hampered by these +deficiencies. They have become so unconscious of these personal traits +that, doubtless, they would be greatly surprised were their attention +called to them. The effect of these shortcomings upon others is, +however, just as unfortunate as if they were intentionally retained and +nourished, for we usually regard the outward manner as a true index of +the inward emotion. + +If so many of our acquaintances display idiosyncrasies that affect us +disagreeably, is it not possible that we too may be harboring some +remediable evil of temper, some superable infirmity of manner or of +speech which is a bar to our own usefulness, because distressing to +those with whom we are thrown? + +Let us think about this. + + + + +SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES + + FOR + + THE MAN WHO WOULD PLEASE AND + THE WOMAN WHO WOULD CHARM. + + +A gentleman makes no noise; a lady is serene. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +So I talked a great deal and found myself infinitely pleased with +Brandon's conversational powers, which were rare; being no less than the +capacity for saying nothing, and listening politely to an indefinite +deal of the same thing, in another form, from me. + + CHARLES MAJOR. + + * * * * * + +Talk about those subjects you have had long in your mind, and listen to +what others say about subjects you have studied but recently. Knowledge +and timber should not be much used till they are seasoned. + + O. W. HOLMES. + + * * * * * + +A beautiful form is better than a beautiful face; a beautiful behavior +is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues +or pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +Believe nothing against another but on good authority, nor report what +may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to another to conceal it. + + WILLIAM PENN. + + * * * * * + +"Life is like a mirror. It reflects the face you bring to it. Look out +lovingly upon the world, and the world will look lovingly in upon you." + + * * * * * + +But it is mostly my own dreams I talk of, and that will somewhat excuse +me for talking of dreams at all. Everyone knows how delightful the +dreams are that one dreams one's self, and how insipid the dreams of +others are. I had an illustration of this fact not many evenings ago, +when a company of us got telling dreams. I had by far the best dreams of +any; to be quite frank, mine were the only dreams worth listening to; +they were richly imaginative, delicately fantastic, exquisitely +whimsical, and humorous in the last degree; and I wondered that when the +rest could have listened to them they were always eager to cut in with +some silly, senseless, tasteless thing, that made me sorry and ashamed +for them. I shall not be going too far if I say that it was on their +part the grossest betrayal of vanity that I ever witnessed. + + WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS. + + * * * * * + +"There is a great mistake in supposing that giving is concerned only +with material benefits. These form indeed but a small part of its +mission. Whoever creates happiness, whether by a kindly greeting, or +tender sympathy, or inspiring presence, or stimulating thought, is as +true a giver as he who empties his purse to feed the hungry." + + * * * * * + +Politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any or +all other good qualities or talents. Without them no knowledge, no +perfection whatever, is seen in its best light. The scholar, without +good breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; the soldier a +brute; and every man, disagreeable. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"Tact, though partly a natural gift, is a good deal indebted to +education and early habits. The superiority of one sex to the other in +this respect will often be found to depend on art quite as much as upon +nature." + + * * * * * + +"Never is silence more eloquent than when it is preserved toward persons +older than ourselves when they voice opinions long since proven +erroneous. Age doesn't like to be contradicted, right or wrong." + + * * * * * + +In the supremacy of self-control consists one of the perfections of the +ideal man: not to be impulsive, not to be spurred hither and thither by +each desire that in turn comes uppermost; but to be restrained, +self-balanced, governed by the joint decision of the feelings in council +assembled, before whom every action shall have been fully debated and +calmly determined. + + HERBERT SPENCER. + + * * * * * + +In the exhaustless catalogue of heaven's mercies to mankind, the power +we have of finding some germs of comfort in the hardest trials must ever +occupy the foremost place; not only because it supports and upholds us +when we most require to be sustained, but because in this source of +consolation there is something, we have every reason to believe, of the +Divine Spirit; something which, even in our fallen nature we possess in +common with the angels. + + DICKENS. + + * * * * * + +"When you bury animosity don't set up a headstone over its grave." + + * * * * * + +I don't never hav truble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep +other pholks straight iz what bothers me. + + JOSH BILLINGS. + + * * * * * + +"Hundreds of the most agreeable persons in fashionable society are those +who are content to be taught the things they already know." + + * * * * * + +It is better to return a dropped fan genteelly than give a thousand +pounds awkwardly; you had better refuse a favor gracefully than grant it +clumsily. All your Greek can never advance you from secretary to envoy, +or from envoy to embassador, but your address, your air, your manner, if +good, may. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"The art of not hearing should be learned by all. It is fully as +important to domestic happiness as a cultivated ear, for which both +money and time are expended. There are so many things which it is +painful to hear, so many which we ought not to hear, so very many which +if heard will disturb the temper, corrupt simplicity and modesty, +detract from contentment and happiness that everyone should be educated +to take in or shut out sounds according to his or her pleasure." + + _Once A Week._ + + * * * * * + +"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and +deeds left undone. She never knew how I loved her. He never knew what he +was to me. I always meant to make more of your friendship. I did not +know what he was to me till he was gone. Such are the poisoned arrows +which cruel death shoots back at us from the door of the sepulchre." + + * * * * * + +We are only really alive when we enjoy the good will of others. + + GOETHE. + + * * * * * + +A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. + + GEORGE ELIOT. + + * * * * * + +"Power hath not one-half the might of gentleness." + + * * * * * + +Manner is of importance. A kind no is often more agreeable than a rough +yes. + + BENGEL. + + * * * * * + +We are always clever with those who imagine we think as they do. To be +shallow you must differ from people; to be profound you must agree with +them. + + BULWER. + + * * * * * + +If you want to spoil all that God gives you; if you want to be miserable +yourself and a maker of misery to others, the way is easy enough. Only +be selfish, and it is done at once. + + CHARLES KINGSLEY. + + * * * * * + +Language was given us that we might say pleasant things. + + BOVEE. + + * * * * * + +"The specially social qualities are good nature, amiability, the desire +to please, and the kindness of heart that avoids giving offence. A good +natured person may frankly disagree with you, but he never offends." + + * * * * * + +Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +Pride of origin, whether high or low, springs from the same principle of +human nature; one is but the positive, the other the negative pole of a +single weakness. + + LOWELL. + + * * * * * + +The best possible impression that you can make by your dress is to make +no separate impression at all; but so to harmonize its material and +shape with your personality, that it becomes tributary in the general +effect, and so exclusively tributary that people cannot tell after +seeing you what kind of clothes you wear. + + J. G. HOLLAND. + + * * * * * + +Nothing is more dangerous than to paint men as they are when by chance +they are not as handsome as they would wish to be. + + EDMOND ABOUT. + + * * * * * + +"Borrow trouble if you have not enough already." + + * * * * * + +Refinement creates beauty everywhere. + + HAZLITT. + + * * * * * + +"A lady may always judge of the estimation in which she is held by the +conversation which is addressed to her." + + * * * * * + +Some people cannot drive to happiness with four horses, and others can +reach the goal on foot. + + THACKERAY. + + * * * * * + +"The clown who excites the multitudes to mirth is more a benefactor than +the conqueror who drapes a thousand homes in mourning." + + * * * * * + +"Tact is the art of putting yourself in another's place, and being quick +about it." + + * * * * * + +"It pays 100 per cent. to be polite to everyone, from the garbage +gatherer to the governor." + + * * * * * + +"If you wish that your own merit should be recognized, recognize the +merits of others." + + * * * * * + +"If you cannot be happy in one way, be happy in another; and this +facility of disposition wants but little aid from philosophy, for health +and good humor are almost the whole affair. Many run about after +felicity, like an absent man hunting for his hat while it is on his head +or in his hand. Such persons want nothing to make them the happiest +people in the world but the knowledge that they are so." + + * * * * * + +"An Atchison woman, who three days ago was considered the most popular +woman in town, has not one friend left; instead of sympathizing with her +friends, as she has heretofore, she began telling them her troubles." + + _Atchison Globe._ + + * * * * * + +It is the characteristic of folly to discern the faults of others and to +forget one's own. + + CICERO. + + * * * * * + +What is it to be a gentleman? It is to be honest, to be gentle, to be +generous, to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, +to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner. + + THACKERAY. + + * * * * * + + _Teach me to feel another's woe, + To hide the fault I see; + That mercy I to others show, + That mercy show to me._ + POPE. + + * * * * * + +"The Persians say of noisy, unreasonable talk: 'I hear the noise of the +mill-stone, but I see no meal.'" + + * * * * * + +We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain. + + ALGER. + + * * * * * + +It is much easier to be critical than correct. + + BEACONSFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"'I am busy, Johnnie, and can't help it,' said the father, writing away +when the little fellow hurt his finger. 'Yes, you could--you might have +said oh!' sobbed Johnnie. There's a Johnnie in tears inside all of us +upon occasions." + + REV. W. C. GANNETT. + + * * * * * + +"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but +you may prevent them from stopping to build their nests there." + + * * * * * + +In general society one should always avoid discussions upon two +subjects--religion and politics. In a discussion upon either of these +subjects you will find very little intellectual honesty, and it will +almost invariably lead to irritating differences of opinion. + + * * * * * + +A gentleman is one who understands and shows every mark of deference to +the claims of self-love in others and exacts it in return from them. + + HAZLITT. + + * * * * * + +"There is no real conflict between truth and politeness; what is +imagined to be such is only the crude mistake of those who fail to +discover their harmony. Politeness, taken in its best sense, is the +graceful expression of respect, kind feeling, and good will." + + * * * * * + +"Beloved among women is she who, having warned a friend of the +consequences to follow rash doings, will, when her prophecies have +come true, withhold the triumphant: I told you so!" + + _Boston Journal._ + + * * * * * + +"No one loses by politeness to, or by the trifling exercise of apparent +pleasure in a caller. While I have no wish to counsel insincerity, there +is a wide difference between that offensive veneer and the pure metal of +consideration for the feelings of a stranger within one's gate." + + + +LADY BELLAIR'S ADVICE TO GIRLS. + + +WHAT TO AVOID. + +A loud, weak, affected, whining, harsh or shrill tone of voice. +Extravagances in conversation--such phrases as "Awfully this," "Beastly +that," "Loads of time," "Don't you know," "Hate" for "dislike," etc. + +Sudden exclamations of annoyance, surprise and joy,--often dangerously +approaching to "female swearing"--as "Bother!" "Gracious!" "How jolly!" + +Yawning when listening to anyone. + +Talking on family matters, even to bosom friends. + +Attempting any vocal or instrumental piece of music that you cannot +execute with ease. + +Crossing your letters. + +Making a sharp, short nod with the head, intended to do duty as a bow. + + +WHAT TO CULTIVATE. + +An unaffected, low, distinct, silver-toned voice. + +The art of pleasing those around you, and seeming pleased with them and +all they may do for you. + +The charm of making little sacrifices quite naturally, as if of no +account to yourself. + +The habit of making allowances for the opinions, feelings, or prejudices +of others. + +An erect carriage--that is, a sound body. + +A good memory for faces, and facts connected with them--thus avoiding +giving offence through not recognizing or bowing to people, or saying to +them what had best been left unsaid. + +The art of listening without impatience to prosy talkers, and smiling at +the twice-told tale or joke. + + * * * * * + +"He who would see his sons and daughters thoroughly and truly gentle, +must forbid selfishness of action, rudeness of speech, carelessness of +forms, impoliteness of conduct from the first, and demand that in +childhood and the nursery shall be laid the foundation of that good +breeding which is as a jewel of price to the mature man and woman." + + * * * * * + +"Many persons consider that 'bad temper' is entirely voluntary on the +part of the person who displays it. As a matter of fact it is often, to +a very great extent, involuntary, and no one is more angry at it than +the bad tempered person himself. Of course everyone, whether he is born +with a bad temper or has acquired one from habit, or has been visited +with one as the result of disease or injury, should at least try to +control it. But his friends should also bear in mind that bad temper may +be, and often is, an affliction to be sympathized with, not an offence +to be punished." + + _Once A Week._ + + * * * * * + +There are some people so given over to the pettiness of fault-picking, +that if they should suddenly see the handwriting on the wall, they would +disregard its awful warning in their eager haste to point out its +defective penmanship. + + BRANDER MATTHEWS. + + * * * * * + +"We are all dissatisfied. The only difference is that some of us sit +down in the squalor of our dissatisfaction, while others make a ladder +of it." + + * * * * * + +Mrs. Julia Ward Howe said, in speaking of Longfellow, that "his personal +charm was in a delicateness of mind that was truly cosmopolitan; he had +a vivid appreciation of what was beautiful and noble, and he represented +the purest taste and the most perfect feeling." Was there ever given a +finer definition of a gentleman? + + * * * * * + +"Set a watch over thy mouth, and keep the door of thy lips, for a +tale-bearer is worse than a thief." + + THE BIBLE. + + * * * * * + +"He submits to be seen through a microscope who suffers himself to be +caught in a passion." + + * * * * * + +"It isn't what you wear in this life, gentlemen; it is how you wear it. +It isn't so much what you do; it is how you do it. There are people who +do tasteful things vulgarly, and vulgar things tastefully. Who was it +that + + _'Kicked them downstairs with such very fine grace, + They thought he was handing them up'?_ + +"A sense of humor is one of the most precious gifts that can be +vouchsafed to a human being. He is not necessarily a better man for +having it, but he is a happier one. It renders him indifferent to good +or bad fortune. It enables him to enjoy his own discomfiture. Blessed +with this sense, he is never unduly elated or cast down. No one can +ruffle his temper. No abuse disturbs his equanimity. Bores do not bore +him. Humbugs do not humbug him. Solemn airs do not impose on him. +Sentimental gush does not influence him. The follies of the moment have +no hold on him." + + _Boston Journal._ + + * * * * * + +There is always a best way of doing everything, if it be but to boil an +egg. Manners are the happy way of doing things; each one the stroke of +genius or of love--now repeated and hardened into usage. Your manners +are always under examination, and by committees little suspected--a +police in citizen's clothes--but are awarding or denying you very high +prizes when you least think of it. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +My experience of life makes me sure of one truth, which I do not try to +explain; that the sweetest happiness we ever know, the very wine of +human life, comes not from love, but from sacrifice--from the effort to +make others happy. This is as true to me as that my flesh will burn if I +touch red-hot metal. + + JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY. + + * * * * * + +"A wise man will turn adverse criticism and malicious attacks to good +account. He will consider carefully whether there is not in him some +weakness or fault which, although he never discovered, was plain to the +eye of his enemy. Many men profit more by the assaults of foes than by +the kindness of friends." + + * * * * * + +"Politeness is like an air cushion: there may be nothing in it, but it +eases our jolts wonderfully." + + * * * * * + +Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say +disagreeable things to your intimates. On the contrary, the nearer you +come into relation with a person the more necessary do tact and courtesy +become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend +to learn unpleasant truths from his enemies: they are ready enough to +tell them. Good breeding never forgets that _amour-propre_ is universal. + + O. W. HOLMES. + + * * * * * + +Whatever our disbeliefs, most of us profoundly believe in goodness; and +we incline to believe that a man who has practically learned the secret +of noble living has somehow got near the truth of things. + + GEO. S. MERRIAM. + + * * * * * + +"A man's bad temper sometimes does more toward spoiling a dinner than a +woman's bad cooking." + + * * * * * + + _Her voice was ever soft, + Gentle and low; an excellent thing in + Woman._ + + SHAKESPEARE. + + * * * * * + +True politeness is perfect ease and freedom. It simply consists in +treating others just as you love to be treated yourself. + + CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one, no more +right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down. + + JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + + How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, + Is that fine sense which men call courtesy! + Wholesome as air and genial as the light, + Welcome in every clime as breath of flowers,---- + It transmutes aliens into trusting friends, + And gives its owner passport round the globe. + + J. T. FIELDS. + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + +1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_. + +2. Punctuation errors have been corrected without note. + +3. The following misprints have been corrected: + "repuation" corrected to "reputation" (page 2) + "sympatheic" corrected to "sympathetic" (page 38) + "Stael" corrected to "Staël" (page 59) + +4. Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies +in spelling and hyphenation have been retained. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who +Charms, by John A. 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Cone. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;} + .tnote {border: solid 2px; padding: 1em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; background: #CCCCB2;} + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox1 {border: solid 2px; width: 32em; margin: auto;} + .bbox {border: solid 1px; margin-right: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .author {text-align: right; margin-right: 1em;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who Charms, by +John A. Cone + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who Charms + +Author: John A. Cone + +Release Date: April 3, 2011 [EBook #35761] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAN WHO PLEASES, WOMAN WHO CHARMS *** + + + + +Produced by Heather Clark and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<div class="bbox1"> +<div class="bbox"> +<h1>THE MAN WHO PLEASES</h1> + +<h3>AND</h3> + +<h1>THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS</h1> +</div> + +<div class="bbox"> +<h3>BY</h3> + +<h2>JOHN A. CONE</h2> + +<h5>"Look out lovingly upon the world and the<br /> +world will look lovingly in upon you."</h5> +</div> + +<div class="bbox"> + + +<h3>HINDS & NOBLE, Publishers</h3> +<h4><span class="smcap">31-33-35 West 15th Street, New York City</span></h4> + +<h5><i>Schoolbooks of all publishers at one store</i></h5> +</div> +</div> + + +<p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h4><i>Third printing, February, 1904.</i></h4> + +<p class="center"> +Copyright, 1901.<br /> +by<br /> +JOHN A. CONE,<br /> +in the<br /> +United States<br /> +and<br /> +Great Britain.<br /> +Entered at Stationer's Hall,<br /> +London.<br /> +<br /> +All Rights Reserved.<br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>TO<br /> +MY MOTHER.<br /> +</h2> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> +<tr><td align='left'> </td><td align='right'><small>PAGE</small></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Man Who Pleases</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Woman Who Charms</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_16">16</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Art of Conversation</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_29">29</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Good English</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_37">37</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Tact in Conversation</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_48">48</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Compliment of Attention</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_57">57</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Voice</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_65">65</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Good Manners</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_73">73</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Dress</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Optimist</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_97">97</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Personal Peculiarities</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_106">106</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Suggestions from Many Sources</span></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_114">114</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>PREFACE.</h2> + + +<p>The makers of books have been divided into two +classes—the creators and the collectors. In preparing +this volume the author has made no claim +to a place in the first division, for he has been, to +a great extent, only a collector. The facts which +the book contains are familiar to intelligent people, +and the only excuse offered for presenting +them in a new dress is that we need to be reminded +often of some truths with which we are most +familiar.</p> + +<p>In our daily intercourse with one another, we +may forget to render to others that thoughtfulness +and attention which we exact from them.</p> + +<p>We all know that the essence of courtesy is the +purpose, in speech and manner, to be agreeable, +attractive, and lovable, to awaken by our +presence happy impressions in another. We all +understand this, but we so easily forget it, or, at +least, forget to put it into practice.</p> + +<p>Courtesy is not the least of the Christian virtues, +and it should be studied as an art.</p> + +<p>The reader is requested to accept these chapters +in the spirit in which they were prepared. They +are not profound psychological studies, or even +original essays, but only a bringing together of +simple, yet important truths, which are of concern +to us all. Possibly they may be of some help—"Lest +we forget,——"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> +<h2>THE MAN WHO PLEASES.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p> +<i>The dearest friend to me, the kindest man,<br /> +The best-conditioned and unwearied spirit<br /> +In doing courtesies.</i><br /> +</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Merchant of Venice.</span></p> + +<p><i>He hath a daily beauty in his life.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Othello.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Such a man would win any woman in the world +if a' could get her good will.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Much Ado About Nothing.</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<p>There are few subjects of deeper interest to +men and women than that of personal fascination, +or what is sometimes called "personal magnetism." +We commonly talk about it as though +it were some mysterious quality of which no +definite account could be given.</p> + +<p>"A man is fascinating," we say, "he is born mag<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>netic; +he has an indefinable charm which cannot +be analyzed or understood," and, with the term +"naturally magnetic," we hand the matter over +to the world of mystery.</p> + +<p>Is this quality of so bewildering a nature that +it cannot be understood, or will a study of those +men and women who possess preëminently the +power of pleasing show us the secret of their influence, +and prove to us that the gift of fascination +is not, necessarily, innate, but that it can, +to a great degree, be acquired?</p> + +<p>Will we not find that what appears to be the +perfection of naturalness is often but the perfection +of culture?</p> + +<p>From all our well-known public men who have +won the reputation of being "naturally magnetic," +perhaps we could not select a better example than +James G. Blaine. With the possible exception of +Henry Clay, no other political leader in our history, +under all circumstances, had so devoted and +determined a following. Both Clay and Blaine +possessed sympathetic and affectionate dispositions, +and both understood human nature and the +art of pleasing. It may be said that Mr. Blaine's +popularity was due, in a great measure, to the +brilliant and attractive nature of his public service, +and this was, no doubt, true to a certain extent. +No man knew better than he the impor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>tance +of making the most of opportunities for +dramatic and sensational display, and his methods +of statesmanship were always calculated to +please the multitude.</p> + +<p>His greatest power, however, was manifested +in his winning men by direct and individual contact. +One thing which assisted him in this direction +was the fact that he was, perhaps, the most +courteous of all the public men of his generation. +Whenever a stranger was introduced to him, a +hearty handshake, a look of interest and an attentive +and cordial manner assured him that Mr. +Blaine was very glad to see him. If they chanced +to meet again, after months or even years, the man +was delighted to find that Mr. Blaine not only remembered +his name, but that he had seemed to +treasure even the most trivial recollections of +their short acquaintance. He had a marvellous +memory for faces and names, and he understood +the value of this gift.</p> + +<p>This ability to remember faces is not difficult +to acquire. We could all possess it if we would +make sufficient effort. No two figures or countenances +are precisely alike, and it is by noting how +they differ one from another that you will remember +them.</p> + +<p>In explaining his own remarkable memory for +faces, Thomas B. Reed once said to a reporter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> +that he never looked a man in the face that some +striking peculiarity, a line, a wrinkle, an expression +about the eye, the set of the lips, the shape of +the nose, something set that man's face down in +his mind indelibly, and distinguished him from the +rest of mankind.</p> + +<p>Blaine carefully trained himself to pick out +some feature or peculiarity by which he could distinguish +one face or person from all others and +by which he could associate the name of the individual.</p> + +<p>The ability to remember names and faces is one +of the most valuable accomplishments for the man +in public life, or, indeed, for any man or woman +who wishes social success. Not only does it insure +comfort to one's self, but it is especially pleasing +to others. Next to the comfort of being able to +address by name and without hesitation a person +one has met but once, and without mistake, is the +comfort of being recognized one's self.</p> + +<p>Another reason why Mr. Blaine was popular with +the masses was because he was not difficult to approach, +and he never missed a chance to be useful +to a person who might some time, in turn, be useful +to him.</p> + +<p>The <i>St. Louis Globe-Democrat</i> said shortly after +his death: "It was not the habit of Mr. Blaine to +wait for men to seek favors from him. He antici<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>pated +their desires, and doubled their obligations +to him by doing voluntarily what might have +been delayed for solicitation. That gave him the +kind of popularity which outlasts defeat and resists +all ordinary influences of criticism and hostility. +He could always count upon a certain measure of +unflinching and unconditional support, whatever +forces happened to be arrayed against him; and +he changed bitter enemies into zealous friends +with a facility that was a source of constant surprise +and wonder."</p> + +<p>But why should his success in attracting others +to himself be a source of "surprise and wonder"?</p> + +<p>Mr. Blaine, in common with many other magnetic +men and women, understood that the secret +of personal fascination lies in one single point; +that is, "in the power to excite in another person +happy feelings of a high degree of intensity, +and to make that person identify such feelings +with the charm and power of the cherished cause +of them."</p> + +<p>Any quality, good or evil, that enables a man to +do this, renders him fascinating, whether he be +saint or sinner. Indeed, some of the men who +have been the most skilful in the art of pleasing +have been scoundrels.</p> + +<p>Said a writer in the <i>Boston Herald</i>: "It used to +be said of Aaron Burr—so irresistible in charm of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> +manner was the man—that he could never stop +at the stand of the ugliest old crone of an apple-woman, +without leaving on her mind when he +went away the conviction that he regarded her as +the fairest and most gracious of her sex. And so, +had woman suffrage prevailed in his day, he would +have had the solid vote of the apple-women for +any office he might aspire to."</p> + +<p>Aaron Burr clearly understood that the woman +does not exist who is wholly without sentiment, +and he always appealed to that part of a woman's +nature.</p> + +<p>He understood very well the truth of these words +written by Croly: "In the whole course of my +life I never met a woman, from the flat-nosed and +ebony-colored inhabitant of the tropics to the snow-white +and sublime divinity of a Greek isle, without +a touch of romance; repulsiveness could not conceal +it, age could not extinguish it, viscissitude could +not change it. I have found it in all times and +places, like a spring of fresh water, starting up +even from the flint, cheering the cheerless, softening +the insensible, renovating the withered; a +secret whisper in the ear of every woman alive +that to the last, affection might flutter its rosy +pinions around her brow."</p> + +<p>Burr, understanding this, left in the mind of +the apple-woman the firm impression that he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> +thought she must have been at one time a duchess, +reduced in fortune by some accident, and now +driven to the last refuge of an apple-stand, and +that those sad facts evidently accounted for the +traits of high breeding and delicate refinement so +visible through all her present poverty.</p> + +<p>He understood the fact that all people live in two +distinct worlds—the world of reality and the world +of imagination. In the world of reality they use +brooms and shovels, wash floors and dishes, or sell +apples; in the other, they live in drawing rooms, +feast sumptuously and are the wonder and admiration +of mankind.</p> + +<p>"Few people," continues the writer in the <i>Herald</i>, +"would believe that an ugly, dilapidated looking +apple-woman could dwell in the enchanted +realm of imagination just as much as the rich and +favored do. But Burr believed it, so when he spoke +to the old crone, he went up, not to her withered +and beggarly self, but to her ideal self, imaginatively +entering into the duchess dream in her, +and instinctively became deferential in his bearing.</p> + +<p>"Forthwith the duchess in her came out to meet +the courtly gentleman in him, and greetings were +exchanged as between two incognito scions of noble +lineage. Each enjoyed the meeting, each had +vividness enough of imagination to impart to it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +the flavor of reality, and to keep out of sight common, +material facts."</p> + +<p>"But," you say, "not every man can make such +an impression, for few are able to do and say things +with the ease and grace of a Burr. There must be +a naturalness of manner which never suggests suspicion. +Let the average man attempt to force his +nature and to manufacture smiles and looks of +pleasure, and the old apple-woman will know at +once that she is being fooled." Very true, and it +is not desirable that the average man should possess +the ability of an Aaron Burr to influence +others. Few persons try as he did to acquire that +power, but because the average man cannot at once +exercise that potent influence over others which +he did, it does not follow that we are unable to +understand the secret of Burr's success, nor is it +evident that other men cannot acquire something +of this power by thinking it worth while to do so.</p> + +<p>It would not be safe to say that all men can be +equally successful, try as they will, in inspiring +in others "happy feelings of a high degree of intensity," +for nature has not been impartial in bestowing +equally upon all the gifts of adaptation +and expression.</p> + +<p>There are a few persons so constituted by temperament +and mental organism that they exercise +a depressing influence over their associates. They<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> +have a negative, flabby spirit that seems to operate, +speaking figuratively, much as a wet shoe does +upon one who is compelled to wear it. They draw +upon the nervous strength and exhaust the patience +of those who are compelled to be much in +their company. But there are not many of this +type. Most of us could make far more progress +in acquiring social graces and in the art of pleasing +than we do.</p> + +<p>Let us now consider some of the particular qualities +which render a man pleasing to the opposite +sex.</p> + +<p>Of course different types of men please different +women. Some women care little for the +moral element in men. They do not admire them +for their goodness or nobility of character, but +rather for their manners and their ability to flatter +and say pleasing things. Some women are fascinated +by mere brute strength, but they are not +many. Rank, wealth, and social position are very +attractive to some, but these things do not make +the man himself more attractive to the true woman.</p> + +<p>While a girl is young, she may go into raptures +over "a cameo profile, a Burnes-Jones head of hair, +or a pre-Raphaelite languor and pallor," but these +things are bound to pall, and become absolutely +distasteful. Some even admire downright wick<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>edness +in men, and these are the women who send +delicacies to murderers in prison, and overwhelm +them with bouquets. But, fortunately, these types +represent but a small fraction of the fair sex, and +this chapter has to do only with the great majority; +the intelligent, moral, cultured women of the +land. What qualities in men are most attractive +to them?</p> + +<p>Physical beauty is always attractive in either +sex, yet the handsome man has the advantage of +his plainer rival only in this—he is able to draw attention +to himself at once. He must, however, +have something more to hold that attention. He +may be physically an Apollo, but if he be ill-mannered, +dull or ignorant, he will stand no chance +beside the man skilled in the artful polished ways +of what is called society, who is master of that +grace of manner and flexibility of speech which +more than wealth, reputation, or personal attractiveness, +win their way with women.</p> + +<p>It has been proven, again and again, that even +ugliness of face and form is not, by any means, a +bar to popularity with women, and while we are +often amazed at the choice which brilliant, beautiful +women sometimes make from a crowd of admirers, +at the bottom of every apparent fantastic +selection, there is a solid, and, usually, a sensible +reason.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> + +<p>Ernest Renan was certainly not handsome. He +was exceedingly corpulent, his complexion was +said to resemble nothing else so closely as tallow. +He had claw-shaped hands, bushy gray eyebrows, +and thin gray hair, yet wherever he went into society +he was sure to be the center of an admiring +group of women. He was not fascinating by reason +of his ugliness, but in spite of it. There was +enough in the subtle charm of his manner, and +the melodious flow of his conversation, to make +up for all outward deficiencies.</p> + +<p>Liszt was not a handsome man—quite the contrary; +yet probably no other man ever lived who +exercised a more magnetic and potent influence +over women. Even when he had become gaunt +and old, his eyes dim, his blonde hair snow-white, +his spare, lean figure wrapped in a black, priestly +gown, he was followed about by a train of fair +admirers.</p> + +<p>Chauteaubriand could charm at eighty-four, the +Abbé Liszt at seventy-five, and Aaron Burr—who +was by no means handsome—had at seventy a +charm of manner that was irresistible.</p> + +<p>The fact is, one cannot recall half a dozen very +talented men who were admired for their personal +beauty. Pope was very plain; Dr. Johnson was no +better; Mirabeau was "the ugliest man in France,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> +and yet he was the greatest favorite with the fair +sex.</p> + +<p>These examples are not cited to prove that +women do not care for physical beauty in men. +On the contrary, that is a very strong attraction, +but not the most powerful factor in holding them. +Women more frequently prize men for their sterling +qualities of mind than men do women. A +perfection of physical beauty rarely associates itself +with great mental ability in either sex, but +still there have been some notable exceptions, especially +among women, and every pretty woman +who reads this may consider herself one of these +exceptions.</p> + +<p>As a general thing, the man who pleases is the +man who understands. It does not matter much +to a woman whether a man has great and brilliant +thoughts of his own, if he comprehends her wishes +and her feelings, as well as her thoughts. He +should, if he desires to please, make a careful +study of that mysterious and complex thing—a +woman's nature. He must understand that it is +of a finer fibre than his own; that it is sensitive +and easily hurt. He should have sentiment, but +not be a sentimentalist. He will be wise, indeed, +if he can skilfully draw the line between the two +things. "Sentiment is divine: sentimentalism absurd." +He should be able to say much in little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> +and he must not be a chatterer. A woman who +talks too much becomes tiresome; a man who is +an aimless talker is an intolerable bore to both +sexes.</p> + +<p>Few men understand a woman. They do not +look at things from her point of view, and, therefore, +do not realize to what extent civilized life +has permitted her to assume that convention of +manner and those civilities of speech which are +in some harmless degree hypocritical. It could +not be otherwise. Her ideal of a man is a very +high one, but she rarely meets him, and so she accepts +the one who comes nearest to her ideal and +makes the most of the situation. She would that +he were different, but a woman can love in spite +of very many things. Usually she is obliged to if +to love at all. She is much cleverer at love-making +than a man. "She is an artist where he is a +crude workman, and she does not go through a love +scene without realizing how much better she could +have done it if the title rôle had been given to +her."</p> + +<p>If she is a woman of sensibility, she is shocked +by a hundred disagreeable habits which many men +think justifiable. She is repelled by awkwardness +of manner, coarse modes of speech, by carelessness +of person and dress, and yet, for all that, she loves.</p> + +<p>The lover who is most successful in retaining<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +the affection of a sweetheart or a wife is the one +who expresses over and over again the love and +the tenderness he feels. Women, more than men, +like to hear things talked about. They are far +more wide-awake to the value of trifles, and more +sensitive to changes of mood. They are given to +saying in many ways, with delicate variations, what +a man is satisfied to state once for all, even to state +badly.</p> + +<p>A man will believe in a woman's love and be +satisfied with far fewer visible tokens of it than +are necessary to confirm his tenderness and keep +her convinced of it.</p> + +<p>The truth is that a man's power of pleasing does +not depend upon some occult quality of which no +account can be given, but upon the degree in which +he holds certain attractive qualities—innate or +acquired. We have no difficulty in understanding +any single one of these qualities, yet when a man +possesses such a combination of them as to entitle +him to the term "fascinating" we pronounce it incomprehensible, +and fall back upon that vague +term, "personal magnetism."</p> + +<p>The personal elements which are most conducive +to our influence over others are, in a broad way: +good manners, a pleasing voice, the ability to converse +well, personal neatness, taste in dress, tact, +good morals, culture and refinement, physical<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> +beauty, and intellectual force. We are pleasing +or offensive just in proportion to our possession of +these very desirable characteristics, and, possibly, +what we term "personal magnetism" is simply the +result of a well-balanced development of some, or +all, of these enviable characteristics.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> +<h2>THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>Look on this woman. There is not beauty, not +brilliant sayings, nor distinguished power to serve +you; but all see her gladly; her whole air and impression +are healthful. Manners require time, as +nothing is more vulgar than haste.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Emerson.</span></p> + +<p><i>Possessed with such a gentle, sovereign grace,<br /> +With such enchanting presence and discourse.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Comedy of Errors.</span></p> + +<p><i>She's a most exquisite lady.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Othello.</span></p> +</div> + +<p>Is it the handsome woman? Yes, sometimes, but +not always. Beauty is always attractive, but the +handsome woman has the same advantage only +that the handsome man possesses—she draws attention +to herself at once. If she has nothing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +but her beauty to rely upon, she does not hold the +attention.</p> + +<p>It was Balzac who reminded us of the fact that +nearly all of the most celebrated attachments in +history were inspired by women in whom there +were noticeable physical defects. Mme. de Pompadour, +Joanna of Naples, Cleopatra, La Valliere—in +fact, almost all the women whom a romantic +love has invested with a halo of interest—were +not without imperfections and even infirmities, +while nearly all the women whose beauty is described +to us as perfect, have been finally unhappy +in their loves.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," says Balzac, "men live by sentiment +more than by pleasure. Perhaps the charm, wholly +physical, of a beautiful woman has its bounds, +while the charm, essentially moral, of a woman of +moderate beauty may be infinite."</p> + +<p>Whether this be true or not, women surely overestimate +the influence of mere physical beauty to +attract and hold men. Madame de Staël, whose +dominion over the hearts of all those with whom +she came in contact is well known, declared that +she would gladly give up all her gifts of person, +and all her learning, if she could receive beauty in +exchange. It was fortunate for her that her wish +was not granted, for, had it been, probably she +would have found her kingdom slipping away.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +While she did not have a beautiful face, she possessed +physical characteristics and personal traits +which rendered her absolutely fascinating.</p> + +<p>To a sensible man nothing is quite so insipid as +a vain, brainless, tactless beauty, whose opinions +are but echoes, and who imagines that her beauty +alone will hold him chained to her chariot.</p> + +<p>Beauty holds for a time, but after a man's eyes +are satisfied, he must be entertained, and the plain +girl who possesses brains and tact need have no fear +of her more beautiful rival. Modern research has +proved that not Sappho, not Aspasia, nor even +Cleopatra were women who would have attracted +any special attention by reason of their physical +beauty. Their highest charm was intellectual—the +possession of an "immensity to give," as Plutarch +expresses it, in the way of grace and accomplishment.</p> + +<p>The idea that plain girls are allowed to run to +waste as "unappropriated blessings," is not supported +by evidence, for we are constantly meeting +wives far plainer than the majority of the unmarried +women of our acquaintance; and it frequently +happens that a man who has a wife physically beautiful, +becomes enamored of an exceedingly plain +woman who possesses a certain quality of congeniality, +some trait of adaptability which he misses +in his partner.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> + +<p>Says a writer in <i>Lippincott's</i>: "It is safe to +make the broad generalization that a homely girl, +all other things being equal, is likely to have +fewer offers than a pretty girl, but quite as likely +to receive the one offer which will make her a happy +wife. But all other things (save the gift of beauty) +seldom are equal between the homely and the +pretty girl; by the natural law of compensation, the +homely girl has either some inherent or some acquired +ability that is lacking in the other, which +asserts its charm as acquaintance progresses. +Beauty only has the start in the race."</p> + +<p>It frequently happens that the beauty makes the +mistake of expecting to be entertained by her admirers, +and does not exert herself to please. The +plain girl, however, is often superior in tact, for +being obliged to study human nature closely in order +to get the most out of companionship, she +learns to depend upon this knowledge in her efforts +to please. She is not dazzled by admiration, +nor is she unduly confident when she obtains +it that she will retain it.</p> + +<p>Mme. Hading, who is a strikingly handsome +woman, and, therefore, can discuss beauty without +falling under suspicion, once said:</p> + +<p>"A woman is very unfortunate who has nothing +but beauty to insure her success. There are other +things superior to beauty. Taste, good taste,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> +brains, tact, health, those are the things a woman +must have to hold people. And then there are +good manners—so rare and yet so easily cultivated. +To be refined, to be gentle, to be amiable, to be +charitable in thought and in speech, to be intelligent, +is to be charming, in spite of an unattractive +body and an ugly face. To be well born is, indeed, +to be blessed, but to rise above low birth is sublime. +The greatest painter of the age could make only a +caricature of a face for the Empress Josephine, +and yet the sweetness of her smile and the charm +of her pleasing and gracious ways immortalized +her name. There are other ends to happiness than +mere wealth; there are sweeter things in a woman's +face than beauty."</p> + +<p>Again, the woman who charms is not necessarily +young. History is full of accounts of women +who have been fascinating when beyond middle +life. The truest and strongest love is not always +inspired by the beauty of twenty. The enthusiasm +over sweet sixteen is not supported by the old experience +which teaches that the highest beauty is +not found in immaturity. Louis XIV. wedded +Mme. Maintenon when she was forty-three years +old. Catherine II. of Russia was thirty-three when +she seized the Empire of Russia and captivated the +dashing young Gen. Orloff. Even up to the time +of her death—at sixty-seven—she seemed to have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> +retained the same bewitching power, for the lamentations +were heartfelt among all those who had +ever known her personally.</p> + +<p>Cleopatra was considerably over thirty when Antony +fell under her spell, which never lessened until +her death, nearly ten years later.</p> + +<p>Livia was thirty-three when she won the heart +of Augustus, over whom she maintained her ascendancy +until the last. Aspasia did not wed +Pericles until she was thirty-seven, and for more +than thirty years after that she was regarded as +one of the most fascinating women of her time. +Ninon de l'Enclos, the most celebrated wit of her +day, was the idol of three generations of the golden +youth of France, and she was seventy-two when +the Abbé de Berais fell in love with her.</p> + +<p>Helen of Troy, the celebrated Greek beauty, was +over forty-five when she took part in the most famous +elopement in history; and as the siege of +Troy lasted ten years, she must have been at least +fifty-five when the ill-fortune of Paris restored +her to her husband, who is reported to have received +her with unquestioned love and gratitude. +Mlle. Mars, the celebrated actress, was most attractive +at forty-five, and Mme. Récamier was at the +zenith of her good looks and of her power to please +when between thirty-five and fifty-five. Diana de +Poitiers was over thirty-six when Henry II., then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +Duke of Orleans, and just half her age, became attached +to her, and she was regarded as the first +lady and the most beautiful woman at court up to +the time of the monarch's death and the accession +to power of Catherine de Medici.</p> + +<p>The common idea that the mature beauty of +forty is less fascinating than that of the girl of +seventeen or eighteen is without foundation. By +beauty is not meant merely well-formed features +and a fresh complexion—these things even dolls +possess. In spite of the rosy, fresh complexion bestowed +upon youth by nature, a woman's best and +richest age is really between thirty-five and forty-five, +and sometimes considerably beyond that period.</p> + +<p>No one would dare say how old Madame Patti +is. Everyone who meets her exclaims at her marvellous +youthfulness and vivacity. Patti's explanation +of her bright eyes, smooth skin and happy +expression is given in a few words: "I have kept +my temper. No woman can remain young who +often loses her temper."</p> + +<p>As a woman grows older, she ought to become +more attractive in certain ways than she could be +in her youth. One of the most needful things for +attaining this result is good health. Fine muscles, +a healthy, glowing skin, eyes bright with energy +and ambition—these make a valuable foundation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +for the woman who would be attractive. The +woman who, at a certain age, considers herself +<i>passé</i>, commits a great error. If she so regards +herself; if she believes she has passed the time +when she can be interesting, others are quite likely +to find her unattractive. Surely a woman should +be more interesting after she leaves the period of +girlhood. She ought to be able to converse better, +she should possess more wisdom, greater tact, +broader knowledge of human nature; and she +should have more repose, more grace of manner. +Indeed, she should have all her accomplishments +well in hand, and be more facile in their use for +the pleasure of others; and she will be able to use +them to better advantage if she has cultivated placidity +of temper, human sympathy and generosity, +and is not careless of her personal appearance. +It frequently happens that women who have +reached middle life neglect many of the aids to +physical beauty which they once carefully followed. +They are careless about dress, and grow to esteem +it excusable to dispense with those simple and necessary +accessories of the toilet which formerly +helped to make them so exquisitely fresh and dainty. +They grow accustomed to think that untidiness +must necessarily be associated with drudgery. But +in these days it is becoming more possible to carry<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> +the element of refinement and beauty with us +everywhere.</p> + +<p>Many women could seem much finer, more delicate +than they appear, if they were not accustomed +to think that a certain homeliness, and +even negligence of attire is quite excusable, and, +indeed, almost inseparable from common work-a-day +life. As we grow older, it becomes more necessary +that we use care in always presenting that +appearance of personal neatness which never fails +to be attractive to those with whom we come in +contact.</p> + +<p>One of the strongest elements a woman can possess +to attract the other sex is a sympathetic interest +in a man's work. This was what attracted Dr. +Schliemann, the famous Greek scholar and explorer, +to the young woman whom he married. +She was familiar with the Iliad and the Odyssey, +and was an enthusiast upon the subject of uncovering +the ancient cities of Homer.</p> + +<p>Men like to have women interested in the things +in which they themselves are interested.</p> + +<p>One who has read Richard Harding Davis' "Soldiers +of Fortune" may remember that Clay grew +very fond of Miss Langham. His first disappointment +in her came to him when he discovered her +lack of interest in his work of opening up the iron +mines in South America. Miss Langham's younger<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +sister, Hope, was, on the other hand, extremely interested +in the mines, made an exhaustive study +of the methods of mining, and when she, with the +other members of the family, visited the scene of +Clay's engineering operations, it was she who +drew Clay's attention to herself by intelligent +questions and suggestive remarks. He was delighted +with her, admired her, fell in love with her, +and then married her. That day at the mines was +the beginning of the end of the old love, and the +awakening of the new.</p> + +<p>To interest men a woman should, by reading the +papers, acquire, and be able to express, a reasonably +clear idea of what is happening in the world. +She should ascertain what is of special interest +to the particular man she wishes to attract, and, +whether the subject be politics, business, out-door +sports, art, science, or literature, she should be +able to contribute something in a conversation +upon that subject more interesting than a mere +yes or no.</p> + +<p>As it is the manly man who wins and satisfies +a good woman, so it is the womanly woman who +pleases and retains the regard of the estimable +man.</p> + +<p>Men like the womanly woman. She need not be +soft or silly, weak or nervous; she may be strong, +vigorous, resolute, and brave. A man has little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> +sympathy for the girl who imitates men either in +dress, manner or conversation. If a womanly man +is not pleasing to either sex, what shall we say of +a manlike woman!</p> + +<p>He thoroughly expresses the writer's view who +said: "A perfect woman may be adorable; a woman +who is perfect would be beyond endurance." Yet, +however irreligious a man may be himself, he always +dislikes irreverence in a woman. He wishes +and expects his wife to be better than he is, and, +generally, she is.</p> + +<p>Men do not like the over-dressed woman—the +one who goes to the extreme of a fashion and a little +further. He does not care for costliness of apparel, +but he is always attracted by freshness and +daintiness.</p> + +<p>A sense of humor is a valuable gift in a woman +who wishes to please. Men like the girl who sees +the funny side of a thing; who can make them +laugh; who can be witty without being sarcastic; +who can jest and not be malicious; who can relate +humorous experiences without saying things calculated +to make others uncomfortable.</p> + +<p>A man likes a woman who entertains and amuses +him. Young girls often express surprise that one +of their number is so popular among men. They +know she is not so pretty as dozens of other girls. +She is not dressed so richly as they are, yet, at a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> +party, she will have half a dozen young men about +her while they are neglected and alone. She must, +they conclude, have that indefinable quality of +magnetism, and that is all that can be said about +it, and they could not find out the secret if they +tried. But probably there is no secret about it. +Although she is not pretty, and does not possess a +vast amount of information, she has tact, and a +quick and electric vivacity of spirit which acts as +a breeze on the sluggish waters, making ripples of +pleasure and laughter, and so produces an exhilarating +effect upon all about her.</p> + +<p>Many young men, if diffident or awkward, feel, +it may be, a little out of place. They hardly know +what to do or say, but this particular girl wakes +them up, and they find themselves laughing and +talking with astonishing ease. She understands +how to make them feel at ease, how to draw them +out, and as they associate with her they become +unusually elated, and it is not at all strange that +in every company they look eagerly for her presence.</p> + +<p>While, judging from the descriptions and representations +which we have of her, Cleopatra was +by no means beautiful, there is no mystery about +her fascinating influence over men.</p> + +<p>"She had," said a writer in <i>The Boston Herald</i>, +"jaded Roman conquerors to deal with, men sated<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> +with every form of mere animal pleasure. There +was no piquancy left in anything; all had palled +and staled on their cloyed palates. But in Cleopatra +was evermore something fresh, unexpected, +perfectly original!</p> + +<p>"No wonder the bystanders cried, 'Age cannot +wither nor custom stale her infinite variety.' What +had she to fear from the rivalship of mere youth +and beauty so long as her nimble intellect was fertile, +like the Nile floods, in successive harvests, +in the one quality her lovers were ready to lavish +kingdoms for, namely, 'infinite variety.'"</p> + +<p>To go back to the definition of personal fascination +given in the preceding chapter, we repeat that +it consists "in the power to excite in another person +happy feelings of a high degree of intensity, +and to make that person identify such feelings with +the charm and power of the cherished cause of +them."</p> + +<p>There may be such a thing as the "indefinite +quality of magnetism" which draws people to the +possessor whether they will or no; but there are +many personalities who are charming because they +have willed to be, because by painstaking perseverance +they have acquired those characteristics which +enable them to please and charm all with whom +they come in contact.</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> +<h2>THE ART OF CONVERSATION.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"><p> +"<i>Though conversation, in its better part,<br /> +May be esteemed a gift and not an art,<br /> +Yet much depends, as in the tiller's toil,<br /> +On culture and the sowing of the soil.</i>"</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Cowper.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>In all countries where intelligence is prized, a +talent for conversation ranks high among accomplishments. +To clothe the thoughts in clear and +elegant language, and to convey them impressively +to the mind of another, is no common attainment.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Sigourney.</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<p>The man or woman who is an intelligent, tactful +conversationalist, commands one of the most +essential elements of a pleasing address. While +all of us may have certain defects which we cannot +wholly overcome, however earnestly we may try, +we can, if we will, re-form our conversation. We<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> +can so train ourselves that good nature, considerateness +and benevolence will always have a place +in our intercourse with others. We can, if we will, +use good English, and we can avoid the temptation, +so common, to talk of persons rather than of +things. Theoretically, we despise gossip; practically, +most of us add our mite to the common +fund. We may not be ill-natured, and the sweet +charity that "thinketh no evil" may have a home +in our hearts; yet sometimes, if we are not watchful, +it may fall asleep, and bitterness, or the spirit +of spitefulness come creeping stealthily to the surface.</p> + +<p>We can, if we will, be intellectually honest—a +kind of honesty which is indeed rare. The principal +reason why arguments and discussions lead to +so must dissatisfaction and ill-feeling on the part +of the disputants, is the lack of this quality.</p> + +<p>Two men are engaged in conversation and a +question of religious belief or of politics is brought +to the front. Each takes a side in the discussion +and maintains his opinions to the end. Neither +is searching for the truth, but is eager to defend +his side of the question against the attacks of +his opponent. It does not occur to either that +anything else can be the truth except the things +he has been taught to believe. To both, the truth +simply takes the form of their own opinions; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> +since they are most firmly attached to their opinions, +neither ever questions his own devotion to +the truth. Such persons can scarcely be said to +use their minds at all, for their thinking has been +done by some one else. Many a hostess is +obliged tactfully to separate aggressively argumentative +and disputatious guests, who have never +learned that others have an equal right to their +own opinions, and that not every dinner party is +the proper occasion to plunge into heated argument +in the hope of changing another's views.</p> + +<p>Again, we can all avoid the habit of exaggeration—a +fault which does not get itself called by +the name of "falsehood," but which is in dangerously +close proximity to it. A man hears something, +true enough in its original shape, but he +passes it on with a little addition of his own. +The one to whom he tells it adds his touch of exaggeration, +until, at last, the statement is so +swollen and distorted as to convey anything but +the real truth. It would be difficult to charge any +one with deliberate prevarication. The result is a +sort of accumulative lie, made by successive individual +contributions of little dashes of exaggeration. +Thousands who would never be guilty of inventing +an entire story derogatory to the reputation +of another, are constantly contributing to the +formation of these accumulative falsehoods, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> +are quite as evil in their results as though conceived +and concocted by one person.</p> + +<p>We can put into requisition a nice sense of +honor in our conversation. In a hundred different +ways this most fitting attribute of the true woman +and the real gentleman is often put to the test. +We can remember that it is quite as easy to be +ill-mannered in speech as in conduct.</p> + +<p>There are men and women who, at a dinner, +would not under any circumstances, transgress +the rules of table etiquette, but who may offend +quite as grossly by a thoughtless or an intemperate +use of words. They may not dispense with +the fork, but they wound the heart by unkind +words. They may observe all the amenities from +oyster-fork to finger-bowl, yet they offend some +member of the company by sarcasm or personal +innuendo. They may not misplace or misuse the +napkin, but they may render the entire company +uncomfortable by declining to yield, in argument, +to the greater weight of evidence; or by overloading +a story with unimportant details. They may +be scrupulously neat, and of easy and graceful +deportment, but may never have learned the gentle +art of keeping one's temper sweet when criticised +or when confronted by a contradiction.</p> + +<p>These very suggestive words appeared in "The +Churchman": "It is almost a definition of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> +gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts +pain. The true gentleman carefully avoids +whatever may cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of +those with whom he is cast. He has his eyes on +all his company; he is tender toward the bashful, +gentle toward the distant, and merciful toward the +absurd. He avoids unreasonable allusions on topics +which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in +conversation, and never wearisome. Another delightful +trait in him is that he makes light of +favors when he bestows them, and seems to be receiving +when he is conferring. He never speaks of +himself except when compelled, never defends himself +by a mere retort. He has no ears for slander +or gossip; is scrupulous in imputing motives to +those who interfere with him, and interprets everything +for the best. He is never mean or small in +his disputes, never insinuates evil which he dare +not say out. He has too much good sense to be +affronted at insults, and is too well employed to +remember injuries. He may be right or wrong in +his opinions, but he is too clear-headed to be unjust. +He is as simple as he is forcible, and as brief +as he is decisive."</p> + +<p>The entertaining talker is not, of necessity, a +great talker; he is often a good listener. He understands +that a bright story, briefly told, will +amuse, but that people are bored by a long story,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> +filled with pointless details. He is not necessarily +learned or profound. He understands that small +change is of as much importance in social intercourse +as it is between men in business. "Although +deprecated by some wise people as vain and frivolous," +says <i>Zion's Herald</i>, "small talk has a legitimate +function in human intercourse. It is the +small coin of conversation. Those who despise its +use often get on as badly in social life as would +the merchant who should exclude the dimes and +quarters from his money-drawer. Without them, +the wheels of trade would be blocked. An honest +old copper penny will often turn the corner of a +good bargain. Chit-chat gives ease to conversation. +The strait-jacket is removed; the mental +forces have full play; the man acts himself; and +the communication of soul with soul becomes free +and delightful. With small talk he is familiar, +and can toss it about as a juggler does his cards. +The philosopher with his learned and exact +phrases at once deadens the flow of soul."</p> + +<p>Men and women are not strictly original. The +things we say to-day have been said just as well +a thousand times before; but that forms no reason +why we should not say them again. The coins in +your purse have been through a hundred hands +and are not the less useful in serving you again.</p> + +<p>The fellowship enjoyed rather than the store<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> +of wisdom communicated, is the end of conversation. +Whether they say anything of importance +or not, we like to hear some persons talk; they inspire +us and set our own mental machinery in motion. +Small talk often brings us most readily in +contact with another soul.</p> + +<p>All good conversationalists know the use of small +talk. To be sure, they know something more, +something larger and better, but the chinks in the +larger subject are filled in wonderfully by a familiar +interpolation of the smaller things in a chatty +way. Many a wise and learned man would be a +better talker if he had at hand a supply of small +coin. He can talk extremely well on serious and recondite +subjects, but the quick jest and easy repartee +of the parlor and the dining-room are beyond +him. He is, in spite of his learned lore, at a disadvantage +in society, where there is no time for +homilies or for treatises on erudite topics. Persons +less gifted chat and laugh and have a good +time while he sits in gloomy silence. Those who +would please and be pleased in social intercourse +must carry with them and be ready to dispense the +small change of light and witty conversation.</p> + +<p>To be popular in society, find out whether your +companion prefers to talk or listen; avoid personalities; +endeavor to lead the conversation to subjects +familiar and interesting to others rather than<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +especially pleasing to yourself; never indulge in +sarcasm; be good-natured and sympathetic; strive +to be tactful; exchange small courtesies; talk to +all with equal attention and interest, and whatever +the topic of conversation, or wherever you may be, +appear cheerfully contented. Acquire, and then +exhibit, that adaptability to place and people +which conduces ever to grateful and pleasing +companionship.</p> + +<p>William Mathews writes in <i>Success</i>: "Conversation +rules the destiny of the state and of the individual; +from diplomacy, which is essentially the +art of conversing skilfully on political themes, +down to the daily transactions of the mart and +the exchange, its empire is evident to all.</p> + +<p>"Such being the potency and importance of conversation, +why is so little attention given to its culture +to-day? Why is it that so many educated men, +who are fastidious regarding their personal appearance, +and bestow upon their bodies the most +solicitous care, are yet willing to send their minds +abroad in a state of slovenliness, regardless of the +impression they make?"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> +<h2>GOOD ENGLISH.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>We should be as careful of our words as of our +actions.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Cicero.</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<p>An accomplishment, in its accepted meaning, is +"something acquired which perfects or makes complete; +an attainment which tends to equip in character, +manner, or person, and which gives pleasure +to others."</p> + +<p>Surely, then, the man or woman who desires +to please cannot possess too many accomplishments; +and, accepting the definition just given, is +there any other accomplishment of greater importance +than facility in speaking and writing one's +native language with ease and with elegance? Is +there any other single test of culture so conclusive +as this? Is it not the matter, and, particularly, +the method of one's speech more than anything +else which impresses the person whom we meet +for the first time, either favorably or unfavorably +in regard to our acquirements? We may have but +few opportunities during a lifetime to display our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> +knowledge of geometry, algebra or astronomy; we +may be for weeks in the company of other people +without giving them an opportunity to suspect that +we possess any knowledge of Latin or Greek, but +as long as we live, and every day we live, we are +giving evidences of facility or awkwardness in the +use of our mother tongue.</p> + +<p>How much time is wasted in practicing upon +unresponsive musical instruments—unresponsive +because not touched by sympathetic fingers! How +much time is spent in acquiring a slight knowledge +of French and German, which results, generally, in +an ability to use a few simple phrases, and to translate +easy sentences with the aid of a dictionary! +How many young women, with no artistic ability +whatever, spend weeks and months under the instruction +of teachers in vain attempts to produce +something in oil or in water-color worthy to be +called a picture! How much more to the advantage +of these young women would it be if a part +of this time were spent in acquiring a better understanding +of the use of English!</p> + +<p>The writer once knew a girl who, after playing +a selection upon the piano, left the room and burst +into tears because she had been guilty of a slight +blunder in her execution—a blunder not noticed +by two of the twenty persons assembled in the parlor. +This same girl, however, exhibited, habitual<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>ly, +a carelessness in pronunciation, and an ignorance +of English grammar of which she should +have been heartily ashamed, and which caused +far more annoyance to her friends than her blunders +in music.</p> + +<p>Boys and girls should be trained to feel that it +is as discreditable to them to confound the parts +of speech in conversation, as it is to make discords +in music, or to finish a picture out of drawing, or +to be guilty of some inadvertence of manner. They +should be made to feel that proficiency in music, +French, German, or painting, or any other accomplishment, +so-called, will not compensate for +slovenliness of diction.</p> + +<p>In addressing a girl's school, Bishop Huntington +once said: "Probably there is not an instrument +in common use, from a pencil to a piano, which +is used so imperfectly as language. If you will +let me be plain, I suspect that it would be safe +to offer a gold medal as a prize to any young lady +here who will not, before to-morrow night, utter +some sentence that cannot be parsed; will put no +singulars and plurals in forbidden connections; +will drop no particles, double no negatives, mix +no metaphors, tangle no parentheses; begin no +statement two or three times over without finishing +it; and not once construct a proposition after +this manner:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<p>"When a person talks like that, they ought to +be ashamed of it.'"</p> + +<p>These are frank statements to address to a +class of young ladies; but the Bishop's implication +would hold with equal truth not only in the case +in point, but also with a large number of the high +schools, seminaries and colleges of this country. +Surely such a charge against the other practical +branches of study could not be made and sustained.</p> + +<p>When James Russell Lowell said: "We are the +most common-schooled and the least educated people +in the world," he might have added that the +statement was especially applicable to our habits +of using or abusing our mother tongue.</p> + +<p>This general indifference to good English is not, +in most instances, the result of a lack of knowledge, +for time enough is devoted to the study of +technical grammar in almost all schools, to enable +the pupil to become thoroughly acquainted with +the principles which govern the use of our language.</p> + +<p>It is because many persons, not having acquired +the habit of correct speech, do not think to apply +the rules of grammar in conversation. Were children +accustomed from infancy to hear only correct +English, there would be but little need to memorize +arbitrary rules of grammar, for they would,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> +from habit, speak and write correctly. Thus it is +that the children of educated parents are generally +so easy and graceful in their conversation, contrasted +with the children of the uneducated. Our +language, like our manners, is caught from those +with whom we associate.</p> + +<p>Several other nations are far in advance of our +own in the thoroughness with which their youth +are drilled in the use of language.</p> + +<p>In France, a knowledge of the French language, +spoken and written, is regarded as of special importance. +In all entrance examinations, or examinations +for promotion or graduation, the pupil's +knowledge of his native tongue is first determined; +and no promotions are allowed, and no +diplomas granted, if the student is notably deficient +in this regard, even though his knowledge +of the other required branches should prove to +be all that could be desired. We have not so high +a standard in the United States. It has been but +a few years since a definite knowledge of English +was added to the requirements for admission to +American colleges, and even now it has not, in +any of our educational institutions, the relative +weight in determining examinations which French +and German have in the systems of those countries. +While great improvement has been made in teaching +English, and while better methods are em<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>ployed +than formerly, it is still safe to say that in +no other branch of study, pursued with equal diligence, +are the results so unsatisfactory.</p> + +<p>Surely in no other way do we so clearly show the +degree of our culture and refinement as by our +every-day conversation. Is it not important, then, +that we devote our efforts seriously, and with infinite +patience, if necessary, to mastering a matter +so essential?</p> + +<p>The selection of good English does not necessarily +imply either a stilted monotony of speech, or a +tiresome affectation. It is simply elegance and +naturalness. There is no reason why any person, +however humble his station in life, should +not hope to speak his native language correctly. +It is an accomplishment which is not expensive. +In its acquirement one does not require high-priced +teachers. It demands only care and attention. +Be critical of yourself. Watch your sentences. +Get your companions to correct your slips of the +tongue. Say over correctly the troublesome sentence +until the mistake becomes impossible. Listening +to well educated persons and reading the +best literature are both of great assistance in this +direction, especially if we offer to both the sincere +flattery of imitation. Our literature teems +with masterpieces of style. To read them consistently +is to imbibe a certain facility of diction.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<p>There are many persons who, while they do not +violate the rules of technical grammar, habitually +indulge in slang, hyperbole, and in many "weeds +of speech" which should be pulled up promptly +and cast aside. A great many boys and girls, and +even some older persons, imagine that the use of +slang lends piquancy and force to their conversation. +Slang is always an element of weakness. It +is bad enough in a man, but in women it is far +more questionable. It is not the expression of +the refined. To the cultivated taste it is discordant.</p> + +<p>Another fault prevalent among girls is the habit +of hyperbole. Perfectly, awfully, nice, and splendid, +are the four most overworked words, and awfully +is the most abused of them all. It is strange, +the hold this word has secured in the vocabulary +of girls who, in almost all other respects, are +considerate in their use of English. Persons are +called awfully good, awfully bad, awfully clever, +awfully stupid, awfully nice, awfully jolly and +awfully kind. It is made to do duty on all occasions +and under all circumstances, as though it +were the only adverb admissible in good society. +Among adjectives, splendid easily ranks as the +most popular. To many, everything is splendid, +whether it is a flower, a sunset, a dinner, a football +game, a friend, a sermon, or a book. Then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> +we are continually hearing that certain things are +<i>perfectly</i> splendid, <i>perfectly</i> lovely, <i>perfectly</i> hateful, +<i>perfectly</i> glorious, <i>perfectly</i> magnificent and +<i>perfectly</i> sweet. How word-stricken society would +do without these expressions it is difficult to determine, +yet certain it is that the woman who +deals recklessly in superlatives demonstrates forthwith +that her judgment is dominated by her impulses, +that her opinions are of doubtful reliability, +and her criticisms valueless.</p> + +<p>In a recent number of one of the popular magazines +Prof. Brander Matthews has an article on +the prevailing indifference in regard to the proper +use of words. The points which he emphasizes +are these:</p> + +<p>The gentleman is never indifferent, never reckless +in his language. The sloven in speech is +quite as offensive as a sloven in manner and dress. +The neat turning of a phrase is as agreeable to +the ear as neatness of person is to the refined taste. +A man should choose his words at least as carefully +as he chooses his clothing; even a hint of the +dandy is not objectionable, if it be but a hint. +It is even better to go to the extreme of fastidiousness +than to indulge the opposite extreme of negligence.</p> + +<p>The art of writing letters is but another phase +of the same matter. Indeed it is but conversation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> +carried on with the pen, when distance or circumstances +prevent the easier method of exchanging +ideas by spoken words. It is an art which should +be faithfully cultivated by those who desire to +please. In social life, in business, in almost every +other circumstance of life, we find our pen called +into requisition. Yet while it is an almost indispensable +accomplishment, it is one which is +pitifully neglected. The art of letter-writing is +becoming obsolete; that is, the art of writing such +letters as enriched the epistolary literature of a +former generation. This is unfortunate, as there +is nothing that will so stimulate thought, and +bring into activity, practical, every-day niceties of +phrase as the exercise of this art. Constant drill +in letter-writing will tend to take from one's +vocabulary words which have no place there, and +will accomplish quite as much as any other means +to broaden, beautify, and to refine the language at +our command, as well as to train the mind to exact +habits of thinking. A further important consideration +is the charm which "a gem of a letter" +has for the delighted recipient.</p> + +<p>The indispensable requisites of a good letter are +neatness of chirography, simplicity, and grammatical +correctness. Defects in any one of these +particulars are scarcely pardonable. We cannot +all be pretty writers, but we can all write legibly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +and give to the page the appearance of neatness. +Scribbling is inexcusable.</p> + +<p>"A scribbled page points to a scribbling mind, +while clear, legible handwriting is not only an +indication of clear thinking, but a means and promoter +of accurate thought. Indeed, simply as a +business proposition, one cannot afford to become +a slovenly penman."</p> + +<p>"And who," says <i>The Philadelphia Record</i>, "does +not know the charm of a gracefully worded, legibly +written letter, with its wide margins, its clear, +black ink and dainty stationery? An art, indeed, +is the writing of such a missive; an art which it +behooves every woman to cultivate. A hastily +written line betraying signs of carelessness, and +scrawled on an indifferent sheet of paper is a poor +compliment, indeed, to the receiver, and elicits +anything but flattering comments upon the writer."</p> + +<p>Careless speech is quite bad enough, but the +charm of the speaker may be so great as to disarm +criticism. The letter, however, the written +word, stands on its own merits; "what is writ is +writ." There is no graceful vivacity to plead for +the writer; no coquetry of manner to distract the +glance of the reader from the errors coldly set +forth in black and white. Observe, then, the utmost +care in inditing an epistle, whether to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> +friend or foe or to a lover. Never send forth a +letter in undress, so to speak, scarcely more than +you would present yourself <i>en dishabille</i> before +your most formal acquaintances. The one is almost +as flagrant as the other.</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> +<h2>TACT IN CONVERSATION.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>"Ask only the well about their health."</i></p> + +<p><i>Discretion in speech is more than eloquence.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Bacon.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Brilliancy in conversation is to the company +what a lighted candle is to a dark room—it lightens +the whole of it. But every now and then +some unskilful person, in attempting to clip the +wick to make it brighter, snuffs it out.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">James C. Beeks.</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<p>Seldom does there occur in society any lapse +so astonishing as the uncomfortable remarks innocently +made by men and women to each other. +Some persons who are careful and considerate in +other respects, seem to have a woeful lack of that +quality which we call tact. They wish to be pleasing; +they would not for the world intentionally +say or do anything to injure or wound the sensitiveness +of a friend; yet they are continually say<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>ing +those "things that would better have been +left unsaid."</p> + +<p><i>Harper's Bazar</i> mentions some of these speeches +which have no excuse for being.</p> + +<p>"What a dear little fellow that is!" said a caller +to the mother of a three-year-old.</p> + +<p>"He is a great comfort to us," replied the +mother, stroking the child's long curls.</p> + +<p>"Yes; I should think so. He is not pretty, is +he? His hair is so beautiful now that at the first +glance one would call him pretty. But if you +imagine how he will look when those golden curls +are cut off, you will see that he will be a very plain +child."</p> + +<p>Said another woman to an acquaintance: "Mrs. +A., I hope you will pardon me for saying that I +think I never saw a more beautiful piece of lace +than the flounce on the gown that you wore to the +Assembly Ball last week. I said to my husband +afterward that if Mr. A. should fail again and lose +everything, as he has done once or twice already, +you could sell that lace and easily get a good price +for it."</p> + +<p>The same woman, while making a visit of several +weeks, said to her hostess, as the time of her departure +drew near: "I always think that the nicest +thing about making a visit is the returning to +one's home. One's family are always so glad<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> +to see one, and there is always great luxury to me +in getting back to my own house, where I can do +what I please, say what I please, and order what +I want to eat."</p> + +<p>Again, there are people who seem to think that +it is their mission to puncture every person's infirmity +with whom they come in contact. They +study to speak disagreeably. They corner you in +the social circle, and talk about the subject they +know to be most disagreeable to you, and talk in +a tone sufficiently loud to be heard by all the +other persons in the room. If you have made a +blunder they reveal it. If you have been unsuccessful +in any of your undertakings they are sure +to inquire about it, even to details. They unroll +your past and dilate upon your future. They +put you on the rack every time you meet them and +there is an instinctive recoil when you perceive +their approach.</p> + +<p>"We all know these persons," says <i>Zion's +Herald</i>, "the persons who always utter the unsuitable +word, who make themselves generally disagreeable, +who never, apparently, try to make a +pleasing impression upon others, but who delight +to sting and wound."</p> + +<p>Are we not all acquainted with the neighbor +mentioned in this quotation: "As a brief and sharp +tormentor, as a nail in the boot, a rocker for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> +shins on a dark night, or a sharp angle for the +ulnar nerve, Mrs. R——, our neighbor, excels +all persons I ever saw. I am quite sure if she +could disturb a corpse by whispering to it that its +shroud was ill-fitting, and the floral gifts were not +what had been expected, she would do it."</p> + +<p>If you are a woman have you not more than +once gone out for a walk with some other woman +who is never satisfied with your appearance?</p> + +<p>She gives your gown a pull, saying: "This dress +never did fit you; it isn't at all becoming to you, +why didn't you wear your other one?" You soon +begin to feel uncomfortable, and to wish you were +at home again. Your bonnet may be never so becoming, +or your new jacket may fit you to perfection, +but she never mentions either. She notices +only defects; she sees all that is disagreeable. +Such persons always leave an uncomfortable feeling +behind them when they leave you.</p> + +<p>Sarcasm is not a quality to be cultivated by +either sex. Men do not like it in women. It +may be amusing when it is directed against another, +but there is always a lurking fear that it +may some time be directed against one's self. Sarcasm +is a rank weed, that, once sprouted, grows +and grows, choking out the little plants of kindness, +forethought and consideration, until it overruns +the garden of the mind, dominating and con<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>trolling +every thought with a disagreeable, pungent +odor that cannot be eradicated.</p> + +<p>The sarcastic girl is not fascinating, for she is +not a pleasing companion. She is too sharp to +be agreeable. She may possess talent above the +average of her acquaintances; she may be able to +talk in half a dozen different languages; she may +be as beautiful as a Greek statue; but men fight +shy of her. Sarcasm is not wit, though wit +may be sarcastic. One may be bright and say all +manner of clever things without hurting the feelings +of others by keen, knife-edged opinions that +are full of bitterness and teeming with gall.</p> + +<p>The tactful person does not make the mistake +of talking too much about himself. While we are +young, at least, we are very interesting to ourselves, +and we are likely to imagine that all the +world is interested in our opinions, prejudices and +tastes. But though this may be true of our dearest +friends, it is not true as far as other people are +concerned.</p> + +<p>"Without question," says the <i>Magnet</i>, "our conversation +must be based upon what we have experienced +in one way or another. But that does +not make it necessary for us to talk continually +about ourselves. If we should examine carefully +the things we say to the merest acquaintances, we +would be astonished, oftentimes, to see that we<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +assume an interest in ourselves which we have no +right to expect." People who are ill are likely +to make indiscriminate claims upon sympathy, +entertaining strangers as well as friends with detailed +descriptions of their latest symptoms, and +the doctor's latest remedies. Some of us who +have not the excuse of illness, impose on the persons +we meet by obliging them to listen to a great +deal of personal information which may be of +interest to ourselves, and possibly to those who +love us very dearly, but scarcely to any one else.</p> + +<p>Several years ago the <i>Christian Union</i> related +this incident: The social occasion was a dinner. +One of the guests was a woman who had passed +middle life; good taste, ample means, with womanly +grace and natural refinement, made her an addition +to any circle. The hostess of the occasion +was a woman who prided herself on her ability to +meet the requirements of her station. She had no +doubt as to her fitness in any social capacity, but +her friends had not the same unquestioning faith +in her tact.</p> + +<p>The gentle guest found to her delight that she +was assigned to the care of the son of an old school +friend, and inwardly thanked her hostess for the +consideration and thoughtfulness which made it +possible for her to hear from her friend, whom +she had not met in years. The guests were no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> +sooner seated at the table than the hostess leaned +toward the young man, and, in a voice perfectly +audible to the entire company, said: "Never mind, +Bob, I will do better for you next time."</p> + +<p>For one minute there was perfect silence, the +lady and her escort alike appalled by what had +been said; but the kindliness of the guest overcame +the embarrassing moment by calling the +attention of the young man to the roses on the +table, which, she said to him with a smile, were +great favorites of his mother when she was in +school. This broke the ice. The hostess was perfectly +unconscious that she had been guilty of +any rudeness. Her intention was to be particularly +polite to the young man; first to assure him +that he would be her guest again, and, secondly, +that she would then have a rosebud to assign to +his care. The amusing part was that the young +man greatly admired his mother's friend, and had +frequently been her guest on his visits to the +city.</p> + +<p>It is difficult to imagine how a woman could +move in society to any extent and remain capable +of such a blunder, and yet we have all passed +through similar experiences at the hands of people +whose social experience should render such tactlessness +impossible. There comes to mind now an +imposing woman, who prided herself on the fact<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> +that she always said just what she thought. At a +reception, she filled the room by her manner; it was +impossible to continue oblivious of her presence.</p> + +<p>Bowing affably to her acquaintances, she sailed—for +women of this type do not walk—up to a modest +little lady whose health, she had heard, was declining, +and in a loud voice exclaimed: "What have +you been doing to yourself? You have aged fifteen +years since last I saw you!" Not unkind by +intention, she was but practising her system of saying +just what she thought, and she was constantly +urging upon her friends the propriety of this course; +but what an unbearable place our world would be +if we all followed this example of inane and inconsiderate +bluntness.</p> + +<p>So the woman who is always finding in you resemblances +to some other person whom she has +met, creates many of the uncomfortable experiences +of social life, and when she thinks it interesting +to exploit the character of your prototype, +dwelling upon the mental and physical defects, she +becomes unbearable. Yet society has, as yet, +found no sure way to eliminate her.</p> + +<p>Such infelicities are not the outcrop of unkindness +so much as of a certain ineptitude or lack of +<i>savoir faire</i>. Such people feel constrained to do +their share of the talking, but have not acquired +tactfulness in selecting the topic, nor alertness to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +avoid the pitfalls—both of which traits may by +sedulous self-training be acquired by any one in +whom, unhappily, they are not innate.</p> + +<p>In one of these instances bad manners were the +natural expression of the woman, because her impulse +was selfish; for it is certainly true that a +person of truly unselfish nature will not offend by +making personal remarks. Manners are the expression +of the heart, and the man or woman who +lives mentally in kindly, thoughtful relations with +fellow men and women will refrain from expressing +the thought which might possibly give offence. +There is no mystery in social grace. It is remembering +other people in their several relations to us. +The woman who is a social success is not the one +who has for her purpose in life so much the desire +merely to please, but the one whose desire, rather, +is to make others happy. One is a polite purpose; +the other is a fine type of unselfishness that makes +impossible the utterance of unwelcome truths to +the chagrin of anyone encountered in the casual +personal contact that we term society.</p> + +<p>Holmes gave us some good advice when he said: +"Don't flatter yourselves that friendship authorizes +you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. +On the contrary, the nearer you come into +relation with a person, the more necessary do tact +and courtesy become."</p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + +<h2>THE<br /> +COMPLIMENT OF ATTENTION.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>"Were we as eloquent as angels we should please +some people more by listening than by talking."</i></p> + +<p><i>"A good listener is as needful to a witty talker +as steel to flint. It is the sharp contact of the +two which makes the sparks fly."</i></p> +</div> + +<p>There are certain amenities attending social +intercourse with which we are all familiar, yet +we are constantly forgetting to put them into +practice. In no respect is this forgetfulness more +noticeable than in conversation, and especially in +connection with what may be called "the compliment +of attention."</p> + +<p>If you despair of becoming a good talker you +can, at least, make yourself a good listener, and +that is something not to be despised. There are +apt to be more good talkers than good listeners, +and, although to say so may sound paradoxical, the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> +better you listen, the greater will be your reputation +as a conversationalist.</p> + +<p>In the opinion of the cynical Rochefoucauld, +the reason why so few persons make themselves +agreeable in conversation, is because they are more +concerned about what they are themselves going +to say, than what others are saying to them.</p> + +<p>If you have read "Nicholas Nickleby," you +remember Mrs. Nickleby tells how remarkable +Smike was as a converser. She entertained poor +Smike for several hours with a genealogical account +of her family, including biographical sketches, +while he sat looking at her and wondering what +it was all about, and whether she learned it from a +book or said it from her own head.</p> + +<p>Said a writer in the <i>Chicago Herald</i>: "What is +there, indeed, more colloquial than an intelligent +countenance, eagerly intent upon one while telling +a story? What language can be compared to +the speaking blush or flashing eye of an earnest +listener? It was Desdemona, with greedy ear devouring +his discourse, who won Othello's heart. +He told his wondrous story, and she listened—that +only was the witchcraft he had used."</p> + +<p>It is said of Sir Walter Scott that, although +one of the best talkers in the world, he was also +the best listener. With the same bland look he +would watch, throughout an entire evening, the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> +lips of his garrulous tormentor ignorantly discoursing +on Greek epigrams, or crassly dilating on the +intricacies of a parliamentary debate.</p> + +<p>It was said of Madame Récamier that she listened +most winningly, and this was one secret of +her wonderful power to charm.</p> + +<p>We have all heard the story of Madame de Staël, +who, by a clever stratagem, was introduced to a +deaf mute at a party. She talked to him the +whole evening, and afterward declared that never +before had she met so intelligent a listener and so +fine a conversationalist.</p> + +<p>Do you remember the story told by Sterne in +"The Sentimental Journey"?</p> + +<p>He had been represented to a French lady as +a great wit and an engaging converser, and the +lady was impatient for an introduction that she +might hear him talk.</p> + +<p>They met, and, writes Sterne: "I had not taken +my seat before I saw she did not care a sou whether +I had any wit or no. I was to be convinced that +she had. I call heaven to witness I never once +opened the door of my lips."</p> + +<p>The lady afterward said she never in her life +had a more improving conversation with a man.</p> + +<p>Many other instances might be mentioned derived +from both fact and fiction, to show how attentive +listening may enhance the delights of con<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>versation, +and that one may sometimes gain a +reputation for conversational powers by exercising +one's ear instead of one's tongue.</p> + +<p>"A frequent caller at my home," said a lady, "is +a capital story-teller, always instructive and pleasing; +but she is a poor listener. When my part of +the conversation comes in, her manner is depressing. +I feel embarrassed, my words become +tangled, my memory leaves me, and I hurry to close +my remarks, conscious of having made a weak +argument, although I had a point when I began. +My friend loses her easy manner when I speak, +becomes restless, and breaks in upon me before I +have fairly begun. Her unresponsive eyes tell me +as plainly of her superiority as though she had +written it in black and white."</p> + +<p>Clergymen, teachers, and public speakers understand +and appreciate better than others "the compliment +of attention." Embarrassing, indeed, is +it to anyone who is talking to observe signs of +weariness and inattention on the part of one's +hearers. Those not accustomed to stand before an +audience seldom realize that a speaker feels and +understands, without conscious endeavor, the attitude +toward him of every member of his audience. +The good listener inspires and encourages him, +while the restless, inattentive auditor is a thorn in +the flesh, irritating and distracting.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> + +<p>At the close of a lecture given a few years ago +in a town in Maine, the lecturer—who was a state +superintendent of schools—turned to the writer +and asked:</p> + +<p>"Who are those two ladies dressed in black, +standing there by the window?"</p> + +<p>After telling him their names the writer said, +"Why do you ask?"</p> + +<p>The lecturer replied: "They have been of great +help to me all the evening. They are delightful +listeners. They appeared to appreciate so thoroughly +everything I said that I seemed to be talking +especially for their benefit."</p> + +<p>"That girl," said a teacher, pointing to an attractive +young lady just leaving the school-room, +"is the most restful pupil I ever had +in my school. She is so gentle in her demeanor, +so thoughtful and so attentive during recitations, +that one cannot help loving her. No matter how +restless the other members of the school become, +she is always giving the closest attention. If one +could have an entire school like her, teaching would +be a delight; but she is one among fifty."</p> + +<p>We gain many things besides the good will of +others, by being good listeners, even though we +must sometimes submit to be bored to an unlimited +degree without interrupting the speaker, or responding +in any other way than by "nods and +becks and wreathéd smiles."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Open your mouth and shut your eyes and see +what heaven will send you," says the old maxim; +but, "shut your mouth and open your eyes," has +been suggested as much more sensible advice under +some circumstances.</p> + +<p>"But," you say, "we are told that Samuel Johnson, +Tennyson and Macaulay, and many other +great thinkers, usually monopolized the conversation +when they were in company, and their friends +delighted to listen to them. Surely they gave but +little heed to 'the compliment of attention.'" Very +true, but no doubt they would have been sometimes +more agreeable to the company if they had +been more considerate of the wishes of other people. +Great men are great in spite of their weaknesses, +not because of them. We can forgive unpleasant +propensities in a genius more easily than in the +average mortal, and as almost all of us are average +mortals, without a trace of anything akin to +genius, we cannot afford to dispense with any of +those qualities which help to make us pleasing to +others. We should remember that there was but +one Macaulay—a man who could talk brilliantly +on almost all subjects—and notwithstanding his +brilliancy, his friends admitted that he was often +something of a bore.</p> + +<p>A very useful lesson may be learned from a +little story which appeared some years ago in +<i>The Youth's Companion</i>:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> + +<p>George Paul, a young civil engineer, while +surveying a railway in the Pennsylvania hills, met +a plain, lovable little country girl, and married +her. After a few weeks he brought her home to +his family in New York, and left her there while +he returned to camp.</p> + +<p>Marian had laid many plans to win the affections +of her new kinsfolk. She had practiced +diligently at her music; she was sure they would +be pleased to hear her stories of her beautiful sister +and her brother; she imagined their admiration +of her new blue silk gown and winter bonnet. +But the Pauls, one and all, were indifferent to her +music, her family and her gowns. They gave +"George's wife" a friendly welcome, and then each +went on his or her way, and paid no more attention +to her.</p> + +<p>After the first shock of disappointment Marian +summoned her courage.</p> + +<p>"If I have nothing to give them, they have +much to give me," she thought, cheerfully. She +listened eagerly when Isabel sung, and her smiles +and tears showed how keenly she appreciated the +music. She examined Louisa's paintings every +day with unflagging interest, discussed every +effect, and was happy if she could help mix the +colors or prepare the canvas. She questioned +grandma about her neuralgia, advised new rem<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>edies, +or listened unwearied to the account of old +ones day after day. When Uncle John, just returned +from Japan, began to describe his adventures, +Marian was the only auditor who never grew +tired nor interrupted him.</p> + +<p>After a two hours' lecture, in which her part +had been that of a dumb, bright-faced listener, +Uncle John declared that George's wife was the +most intelligent woman he had ever met.</p> + +<p>When George came home the whole family was +loud in her praises. She was a fine musician; +she had unerring taste in art; she was charming, +witty and lovable. But George soon saw that she +had won them unconsciously—not by displaying +her own merits, but by appreciating theirs.</p> + +<p>This is a true story in fact, but the truth of its +meaning is repeated wherever a woman is found +who has that quality called charm. She may be +plain or even deformed, but she will win friendship +and love.</p> + +<p>Many an attractive girl would save herself much +anxiety and vain effort on her entrance into the +world of society, if she understood that society, so +called, is composed of individuals, the most of +whom desire not to find the beauty, the wit, the +talent of others, but to elicit the cordial recognition +by others, of their own.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> +<h2>THE VOICE.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>"Tender tones prevent severe truths from offending."</i></p> + +<p><i>"There are tones which set commonplace words +apart, and give them lights and deeps of meaning, +just as one fine emotion idealizes and exalts +a homely face."</i></p> + +<p><i>"There is no power of love so effective as a +kind voice. A kind hand is deaf and dumb. It +may be rough in flesh and blood, yet do the work +of a soft heart, and do it with a soft touch. But +there is no one thing that love so much needs as +a sweet voice to tell what it means and feels."</i></p> +</div> + +<p>In our efforts to please, while much depends +upon what we say, quite as much depends upon how +we say it. The influence of a pleasing voice is +wonderful; who has not felt its charm?</p> + +<p>It has been said that the greatest defect in the +American woman is her voice, and while this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> +may not be strictly true, there are heard in conversation +at home and abroad many voices more +unpleasant than necessary—more harsh, more +rasping.</p> + +<p>A woman's voice may imply good breeding, or +the reverse, and in estimating the power of feminine +charms, a pleasing voice should be placed +very near the head of the list. Is it not strange, +then, that so little effort is made to remedy defects +in vocal expression?</p> + +<p>We cultivate the voice for singing and for elocutionary +effects, but little is done for the average +boy or girl by way of training the voice for the +everyday effect. Only a few can sing well enough +to give pleasure to others, but we all talk every +day of our lives, and often the quality of our voice +speaks more significantly than the words we utter. +A sympathetic tone will often win us a friend, +though what we say may be of little importance. +Purity of accent plays a great part in the art +of charming, and it has been truly said that "a +woman may be ugly, old, without distinction or +instruction, but if she have a soft, insinuating, +mellow-toned voice, she will charm as much as her +more beautiful sister."</p> + +<p>A telephone operator in a place near New York +was on a certain Christmas the recipient of checks +for five, ten and a hundred dollars, a diamond<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> +pin, a dress pattern, and eight boxes of confectionery; +although she was known to the donors +only by her gentle voice, by the deference of its +tone, by her readiness to accommodate, and by her +office number as one of the operators.</p> + +<p>Why is it that we regard vocal training and oral +expression as something to be confined wholly to +the specialists? We think such training is needed +by public speakers and readers, and by all who +intend to make a professional use of the voice, but +we do not appreciate its value for the average man +or woman.</p> + +<p>"What should we think," says <i>Expression</i>, "of +a woman who dresses in the richest of apparel, +who is extremely careful of every point of dress, +but who speaks with a nasal twang and throaty +tone, and makes no effort to correct the fault? +We know that this is often the case. Why is not +the inconsistency corrected? Why is there no +endeavor to improve the voice and make it beautiful +and winning? What a sensitiveness people +exhibit about going abroad with a smudge on the +face; but, alas! there is little sensitiveness regarding +a smudge on one's voice.</p> + +<p>The truth is that voice culture should not be +confined to the few, but should become a prescribed +branch of the education of boys and girls generally. +Not alone are the voices of the women too often un<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>melodious, +but those of the men also need attention. +A fine voice may be of inestimable value to a man. +The majority of the celebrated orators have been +aided by the possession of a good voice, along with +the knowledge requisite to enable them to employ +it effectively. Mr. Lecky says that O'Connell's +voice, rising with a melodiously modulated swell, +filled the largest auditoriums and triumphed over +the wildest tumult, while at the same time it conveyed +every shade of feeling with the most delicate +flexibility.</p> + +<p>Mr. Gladstone's voice is said to have had the +musical quality and the resonance of a silver trumpet; +while William Pitt, who was a ruler in Parliament +at the age of twenty-one, possessed a voice of +masterful power yet of a wonderful sweetness.</p> + +<p>Webster's voice, on the occasion of his reply to +Senator Dickinson, was so commanding, so forceful, +that one of his listeners said he felt all the +night as if a heavy cannonade had been resounding +in his ears.</p> + +<p>Garrick used to say that he would give one hundred +guineas if he could say "Oh" as Whitefield +would say it.</p> + +<p>"But," you declare, "nature has not given us +voices like the voices of those celebrated men, and +we must be content with what we have."</p> + +<p>While nature may not have bestowed upon us<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> +their melodious voices, we can do much to improve +our own. A study of biography will inform us +that many of the most successful speakers, whether +actors or orators, have been men and women +possessing some native defect of speech or figure +which they resolutely mastered by patient, persevering +application. We all know of Demosthenes' +impediment of speech, and are familiar with +the story of his months of struggle and his final +success.</p> + +<p>Savonarola, when he first spoke in the cathedral +at Florence, was considered a failure, on account +of his wretched voice and awkward manner. +Phillips Brooks, one of the greatest preachers +America has produced, was told by his college +president that the ministry was out of the question +for him because of his nervousness and the +defects of his speech.</p> + +<p>It would be easy to multiply instances to show +that the most awkward body and the roughest +voice may be brought under control. In fact, +where the voice is imperfect and the man is +obliged to make a determined effort to master it, +he attains by this means, a mental vigor and an +emotional strength and a flexibility of voice and +mind, as well as a command over the body, which +render his delivery in the highest degree effective.</p> + +<p>Again, it is not sufficient that we have nat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>urally +a melodious voice; we must know how, or else +learn how, to use it. There must be feeling and expression +in one's tones. If we wish to express cordiality, +words are futile unless the voice sounds the +feeling we wish to express. We need to learn how +to modulate the voice so as to make it a true +reflex of the mind and mood. Unless it tells of +sincerity, apologies fail to convince of a contrite +spirit. Unless it conveys confidence, protestations +are in vain; yet the very tone of one's +voice may allay bitterness, though one may +stumble over the words of an apology. If, then, +one recognizes the fact that his voice is colorless +and devoid of feeling, though his heart be warm, +let him at once apply himself to remedying the +defect.</p> + +<p>Listen to your own voice when speaking, and +note the harsh, strident tones, and the imperfect +inflection, and correct them. Many girls speak +in a nervous, jerky, rapid way, beginning a sentence +and repeating a portion of it two or three +times before completing it. Some speak in high, +shrill tones which are not only displeasing but +positively irritating because discordant. Some +speak too fast, while others, going to the opposite +extreme, simply drawl. These are defects which +can be corrected, and, by correcting them we add +measurably to our power to charm.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> + +<p>If you do not understand the imperfections of +your tone productions, or the faults in your manner +of speaking, or if you have trouble in correcting +them, go to one who does know, and who +is as sensitive to the speaking voice as he is to +the singing voice. It may cost you something to +do this, but it will be money judiciously expended. +You take music lessons, both vocal and +instrumental, and you do not consider the money +expended for such lessons as wasted even though +you have no intention of going upon the stage in +opera or of becoming a professional pianist. You +study music as an accomplishment. Why then +should you not give some time, and if need be, a +little money for the purpose of perfecting your +speaking voice, if by so doing you can make yourself +more agreeable to others. You may not be +called upon very often to sing or play for other +people, but you will talk every day and many times +each day, and the voice is "the agent of the soul's +expression."</p> + +<p>"The art of singing," says <i>The Boston Herald</i>, +"strange to say, does not include the art of speaking, +for some very fine singers have harsh and +unmusical voices in conversation. But with all +the training now given to the rising generation, +voice education should be considered. Take the +rasp and the hardness out of your sons' and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> +daughters' speech, and give them another grace +with which to conquer society."</p> + +<p>The importance of what we say and how we +say it, has never been more clearly or pointedly +expressed than in this quotation from an American +writer: "A man may look like a monkey and yet +turn out to be a philosopher; a man may dress +like a vagabond, and yet have the intuitions of +a scholar and a gentleman. The face, the expression +of the eye, the dress, the manner even, +may all be deceptive, but the voice and speech of +men and women classify them infallibly."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> +<h2>GOOD MANNERS.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>Life is not so short but that there is always +time for courtesy.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Emerson.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>"Politeness is real kindness kindly expressed. +This is the sum and substance of all true politeness. +Put it in practice and all will be charmed +with your manner."</i></p> + +<p><i>Young men generally would doubtless be thoroughly +astonished if they could comprehend at +a single glance how greatly their personal happiness, +popularity, prosperity, and usefulness depend +on their manners.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">J. G. Holland.</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + + +<p>In attracting others to us the value of a pleasing +manner cannot be estimated. It is like sunshine. +We feel it at once, and we are attracted +to the person who possesses it.</p> + +<p>"Give a boy address and accomplishments," +said Emerson, "and you give him the mastery of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> +palaces and fortunes wherever he goes; he has +not the trouble of earning or owning them: they +solicit him to enter and possess."</p> + +<p>Much has been written upon this subject. Indeed, +so much has been said, and said so well, +that there will be little attempt to do anything +else in this chapter than to bring together some +of the best thoughts of the best authors.</p> + +<p>The men and women who have accomplished +great things in the world have, as a rule, understood +the value of politeness, and have acted in +accordance with that knowledge. You can, possibly, +recall a very few exceptions, but these were +persons great in spite of their lack of courtesy, +and they would have been even greater had they +practiced the art of gentle manners.</p> + +<p>The Duke of Marlborough, whose general education +was in some respects sadly neglected, had +so irresistible a charm of manner that he swayed +the destinies of nations. Mirabeau, who was +unattractive in person, won by his politeness the +good will of all with whom he came in contact. +There has been no time in the history of the +world when good manners counted for more than +they do at the present time. In fact, to-day more +than ever before a man is dependent for success +upon his personality. Good manners often +bring to one many things that wealth cannot<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> +procure, and "politeness has won more victories +than powder."</p> + +<p>"No one," says an American writer, "who has +any appreciation of grace and beauty in nature or +in art can fail to recognize the charm of fine manners +in an individual. We rejoice in them as we +do in a lovely sunset view, or a beautiful piece of +architecture, or a fascinating poem, for their own +sake and for what they express; but even beyond +this they have another attraction in the magnetic +power they exert upon all beholders in setting them +at ease, in sweeping away shyness, awkwardness +and restraint, and in stimulating them to the expression +of whatever is best worth cherishing within +them."</p> + +<p>It is undoubtedly true that the presence of fine +manners, whether it be in the home or the social +circle, in the workshop or the counting-room, in +the visit of charity or the halls of legislation, has +an immediate effect in reproducing itself, in diffusing +happiness, in developing the faculties, and in +eliciting the best that is in everybody.</p> + +<p>Surely there is no quality that a girl or a +woman can possess which recommends her more +favorably to the good opinion of others than that +of uniform courtesy and good manners.</p> + +<p>William Wirt's letter to his daughter on the +"small, sweet courtesies of life," contains a pas<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>sage +from which a deal of happiness may be +learned. "I want to tell you a secret. The way +to make yourself pleasant to others is to show them +attention. The whole world is like the miller at +Mansfield, who cared for nobody—no not he, because +nobody cared for him. And the whole world +would serve you so, if you gave them the same +cause. Let everyone, therefore, see that you do +care for them by showing them the small courtesies +in which there is no parade, whose voice is still to +please; and which manifest themselves by tender +and affectionate looks, and little acts of attention, +giving others the preference in every little enjoyment +at the table, walking, sitting, or standing."</p> + +<p>Young men who wish to make their way in the +world cannot afford to forget that there is not +in all the world a talisman of such potent magic +as the irresistible spell of a charming manner. +While in some cases it seems innate, it can, in a +great measure, be acquired. Yet a careful observer +of the young men of the present generation cannot +fail to notice a tendency, on the part of some +at least, to disregard the small courtesies of life—the +intangible, yet very perceptible little things +which make the man a gentleman. Some people +even contend that outward manner is a secondary +consideration if the head is well stored with knowl<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>edge, +and that if a young man has the faculty to +get on in the world, it is a matter of very little +importance if he have not the manners of a Chesterfield. +That this idea is prevalent is accounted for +by the great number of well-educated men—men of +ability and power—who, clever and with no lack +of brains, are painfully deficient in good breeding. +With no intentional lapses they are awkward, +presuming, and even vulgar.</p> + +<p>"In most countries," says the <i>Toronto Week</i>, +"an educated man and a gentleman are almost +synonymous terms. On this side of the Atlantic +they by no means always apply to the same man. +Educational advantages are within the reach of +all classes of people—even persons who have missed +the benefit of home training for their manners, +or who have not numbered cultured persons among +their acquaintances. Such persons by native +ability and hard work often attain to high positions +of honor and trust in the various professions, +and win for themselves the title of 'self-made.'</p> + +<p>"Yet because a man by his brains, energy, and +pluck carves out his own fortune, putting himself +in a prominent position, is it not very desirable +that he should also cultivate the courtesies of life +so that the talent be not hidden by roughness and +uncultivated bearing."</p> + +<p>We frequently meet college students—especially<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> +from the smaller colleges—good, honest, earnest, +ambitious fellows, who are working hard to make +their way in the world. They are poor, and have +come from homes where the stern realities of +gaining a livelihood have left, apparently, no time +for culture; where the table manners are but little +better than those of the logging camp, and where +the graces of refined speech and manners have +never even taken root. They may take never so +high a rank in their college studies, may pursue +the work preparatory to a profession with never so +much diligence, yet they will always be handicapped +by their ignorance of those embellishments +so necessary to social, and even business, success. +They find themselves continually placed at a disadvantage, +and their lack of social training is responsible +for failures which might have been +avoided.</p> + +<p>Because a man is a successful lawyer he is not +justified in saying that he can be his own tailor, +or that ill-fitting clothes, if belonging to him and +of his own make, are as suitable as those of a good +cut. So it is with the intellectual giant who takes +no heed of his manners. He may learn much +from less talented persons, who are, nevertheless, +his superiors in many respects. Desirable as it +may be for a young man to shun the extravagance +of the æsthete, and to despise the shams of society,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> +he cannot afford to neglect the courtesies of life; +and he does well who, while devoting his energies +to mathematics and the classics, pays attention to +the improvement of his manners. It is while +young that manners are formed; the most strenuous +efforts will not wholly eradicate in after life +the awkward habits formed in youth.</p> + +<p>The young man who is ambitious, upon whom +Dame Fortune is already turning a dawning smile, +should pause and think about this matter. Some +time he may be rich; some time he may aspire to a +high position in society or in public life, and he +should begin early to fit himself for the proud +position he means to occupy.</p> + +<p>The outward address of a man has no little influence +upon his success in business. The polite +attention and readiness to meet every reasonable, +and often unreasonable, demand of his customers, +on the part of A. T. Stewart, when he opened his +narrow linen store on Broadway, was almost as +important a factor in his rapid success in securing +business as his remarkable quickness in discovering +changes in the market, and in adapting his goods +to the taste and necessities of his patrons. This +marked self-restraint and politeness of manner he +retained to the last.</p> + +<p>It is strange that every business man does not +appreciate the commercial value of politeness.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> +The writer knows a clerk who is employed in a +drug store in one of the largest towns of Maine. +So polite is he in his attentions to customers, so +willing to be helpful, so pleasing in his manner, +with that restraint and quietness which mark the +gentleman and destroy every trace of effusion, that +he has made himself invaluable to his employer. +It is reported that, more than once, his friends +have urged him to establish a business of his own, +but his employer, realizing his value in attracting +and holding customers, has turned him from the +idea by a generous increase of salary. Thousands +of clerks and thousands of professional and business +men could greatly increase their earning +power by closer attention to the accepted rules of +courtesy.</p> + +<p>Some people excuse a roughness of manner by +saying that they detest affectations of all kinds, +that they love the truth, that they are perfectly +frank and outspoken. Such people pride themselves +upon their naturalness, and on the ground +of frankness they will wound by rude language, +will insult you, and defend their awkwardness and +ill-breeding by the plea of "natural manners." +Naturalness is not always commendable. If nature +has not invested us with those qualities which +are pleasing to others, we should try to improve +upon nature. The plainest truths may be conveyed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> +in civil speech, and it is better to "assume a virtue +if you have it not." To object to politeness on the +ground that its language is sometimes unmeaning +and expressed for effect, is as foolish as it would be +to object to the decoration of our parlors or the +wearing of good clothes.</p> + +<p>In the ordinary compliments of good society +there is no intention to deceive. Polite language +is pleasant to the ear, and soothing to the heart, +while rough words are the reverse, and while they +may not always be the result of bad temper, they +are quite likely to cause it.</p> + +<p>The motive for politeness should not be the desire +to shine, or to raise one's self into society supposed +to be better than one's own. The cultivation +of good manners is not merely a means to the +gratification of personal vanity, but it is a duty +we owe not only to other people but to ourselves; a +duty to make ourselves better in every respect than +we are. Indeed, the true spirit of good manners is +so nearly allied to that of good morals that they +seem almost inseparable.</p> + +<p>"Did you ever think how invisible is the armor +of defence afforded by perfect politeness?" asks +<i>Harper's Bazar</i>. "Neither man, woman nor child +can resist it. The quick tempered Irish maid who +loses her hold on her tongue so easily and 'answers +back' with a hot retort is abashed when her mis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>tress +meets her with quiet courtesy. The angry +person, off guard and saying what he really does +not mean, is foiled by the self-control of his interlocutor, +who has not, for an instant, forgotten the +gracious manner of good breeding."</p> + +<p>Politeness is, perhaps, instinctive with some, but +with the majority it is a matter of training, of the +slow and careful discipline of voice and eye and +carriage. Under this training all the angles of +personal vanity and self-consciousness are rubbed +off, the person becomes adorned with grace, ease, +simplicity and gentleness, and what may seem to +the untrained observer as the perfection of naturalness +may be simply the perfection of culture.</p> + +<p>Very sensitive persons who suffer acutely from +fancied slights can save themselves many wounds +by always being as scrupulous in giving as they +are in exacting courtesy. To suffer one's self to +perpetrate a rudeness is to lay one's self open to +the same. In nothing should we be less economical +than in politeness. It should lead us to prompt +and generous acknowledgment of every kindness, +to responsive thanks when a gift, however small, +is brought to our door. It should oblige us to +listen with patient attention even to the person +whose conversation is not entertaining, to sit apparently +absorbed when in public we are present +at concert or lecture. This defensive armor, so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> +smooth, so polished, so easily worn, will make our +intercourse with society agreeable.</p> + +<p>The fact is, that when we come in contact with +human beings anywhere and in any occupation, +we are quite likely to get in return just what we +give.</p> + +<p>A man who is always the gentleman seldom +meets with rebuffs from even the most unpolished +and crude. The employer who uses kind words +with his workmen, usually gets kind words in +return.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> +<h2><a name="DRESS" id="DRESS"></a>DRESS.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>"No woman is ugly who is well dressed."</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Spanish Proverb.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>For the apparel oft proclaims the man.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>I believe in dress. I believe that God delights +in beautiful things, and as he has never made +anything more beautiful than woman, I believe +that that mode of dressing the form and face +which best harmonizes with her beauty is that +which pleases him best.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">J. G. Holland.</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<p>As the author of this volume is a man, this +chapter on dress is, of course, written from a man's +point of view. He knows very well that, were he +to attempt to write scientifically of woman's clothes +he would be lost. No one but a woman can do +that. The man who tried it would soon find himself +bewildered by a maze of technical terms and +expressions which seem absolutely necessary to describe +exactly what is meant. Possibly, however,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> +the author can take a broad, mental grasp of the +subject apart from and above the pretty finesse +with which feminine writers would treat the subject. +Clothes are the woman's weapons, one of the +resources of civilization, with which woman +marches forth to the conquest of the masculine +world, and the writer wishes to estimate from the +man's standpoint just how much the silks, the +laces, the ribbons and the velvets have to do in influencing +the masculine heart.</p> + +<p>What one wears is accepted as an index of one's +character. Whether this is as it should be or not, +yet it is true; and we all feel, more or less, that +coarseness or refinement finds visible expression in +apparel as in no other way. "Surely," says <i>The +Boston Journal</i>, "nothing so intensifies the personality +as the clothes one wears; through association +they become a part of us, help to identify us, even +in some peculiar, reactionary way, serve to control +our mental states."</p> + +<p>Many women will tell you that their most infallible +cure for weariness and the blues is to go +and dress up in one of their prettiest gowns. +Many men will tell you that a clean shave, clean +linen, and a fresh suit of clothes are most reviving +and soothing in their effect upon the psychical as +well as the physical man.</p> + +<p>The statement, often made, that women dress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> +well only to please the men, is only a fraction +of the truth.</p> + +<p>They dress to please the men; to please one another, +and to please themselves. Which of these +three motives is the strongest depends upon the +individual, for,—"while there are men and men, +there are women and women and women," and it +is absurd to make any attempt to analyze motives +or to formulate principles which will apply to all +women.</p> + +<p>The men who dress well do it for the women +and for themselves. The effect that their apparel +has upon others of their own sex, gives men but +little concern. If all the women should be taken +from the world tailors would at once lose half their +business, for the men would immediately begin to +wear out their old clothes.</p> + +<p>As a rule, few men care very much for fine +clothes for their own sake, but a love of dress +is natural in woman, and one who exhibits indifference +in regard to her personal appearance +convicts herself of either indolence, self-righteousness +or pedantry. A woman who has not +some natural taste in dress, who does not take +a positive delight in combinations of colors, who +is not fond of fine apparel for its own sake, is an +anomaly.</p> + +<p>Men do not notice details of a woman's dress. +Few know enough about the subject to distinguish<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> +cheese-cloth from <i>point d'esprit</i>. The description +in detail of a new gown as given in a fashion +journal is about as intelligible to the average man +as the inscriptions on an Assyrian tablet.</p> + +<p>They accept the woman as a whole, and consider +her, and what she has on, as one harmonious, homogeneous, +unanalyzable completeness. If you +doubt this ask a man to tell you how a certain lady +was dressed at a reception he attended the evening +before. Perhaps he noticed her particularly while +there, and told you at the time that she was becomingly +attired. He may be able to tell you that +she wore a pink waist, or that the prevailing color +of her costume was blue, but there his knowledge of +the subject ends.</p> + +<p>While it is true that men give but little thought +to the details of a woman's dress, unless it is conspicuously +bad, very many of them know whether +she is becomingly attired or not. While they may +have no clear idea as to whether the material of a +gown cost five cents or five dollars a yard, or +whether the gown itself is quite in fashion, they +know whether the owner carries it well, and +whether the material, style and color are becoming +to her. Perhaps, on the whole, a man of good +taste is a better judge than a woman as to whether +she is becomingly dressed. This is because they +regard the subject from entirely different stand<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>points. +The stylishly gowned woman is, to the +average woman, well dressed, but not necessarily +so to the man. It is a perpetual wonder to some +men why women have not the courage to reject certain +combinations and certain styles of dress that +are inharmonious and ugly in themselves, and, +consequently, unbecoming to the one who wears +them.</p> + +<p>Years ago certain colors were thought to be becoming +to certain types of women. There was an +undisputed tradition in regard to the colors which +the blonde should wear, and also what ones were +becoming to the brunette. This was not a dictate +of fashion; it was a fact ascertained by experience. +Of late these traditions have been disregarded by +fashion, and the stylish woman wears any color +or combination she pleases, but often at the sacrifice +of her good looks.</p> + +<p>Fashion cannot change the laws of cause and +effect—the laws of harmony—and if the decided +brunette chooses to wear colors which are becoming +only to blondes she does it at the expense of +half her natural beauty. Men feel this and wonder +what is amiss.</p> + +<p>A few years ago fashion made quite common a +style of sailor hat with diminutive crown made +in the shape of an hour-glass. They were ugly +in themselves, and when perched upon the head<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> +detracted from the beauty of any face. Nothing +could be more ridiculous than the sight of a stout, +tall girl, with broad hips and prominent features, +marching along the street with her head surmounted +by that parody on the most becoming of +all hats for a young woman—the sailor. One at +once called to mind the dice-box which the negro +minstrel wears to make himself appear as funny +as possible. One man wittily characterized them +as "the hats that wore corsets." Men never liked +them, but thousands of them were worn.</p> + +<p>From a man's point of view it would be far +better if women made a more comprehensive and +sensible study of their individual needs in dress +and did not blindly follow the decrees of fashion; +if more women would realize that the garment +suitable to a tall, slim figure, is utterly inappropriate +to a stout, short one. When Sara Bernhardt +invented the glove which was to give size and form +to her thin and poorly shaped arm, she recognized +the highest aim of fashion. When a woman is in +need of a new hat or bonnet, a man's advice would +be: "Hunt the tables until you find one which, in +shape and trimming, is suitable and becoming to +you. Never mind if it is not the very latest style; +if it suits your face and figure, take it, and you +will not be sorry."</p> + +<p>In furnishing a room we understand that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> +we should put in it only what makes the +room look better—not what is simply pretty +in itself; and if women would follow a similar +plan in dress,—wear only what is becoming to them, +and not wear things, simply because they think +them pretty and fashionable, men would be better +pleased. Man is attracted by a woman's beauty +itself, and whether she has just the latest modes +or not seldom interests him in the least. So the +girl who would dress to please men, should, first +of all, wear what will show off her natural attractiveness +of face and figure to the best advantage; +after that she may be as fashionable as possible.</p> + +<p>Without doubt many girls attach too much importance +to dress as a means of attracting the +other sex. It is frequently the case that, when +a young lady is invited to a social function, her +first thought is, "What shall I wear?" Her +second thought is, "What shall I wear?" This +question is with her much of the time until she +goes to the place where she is to be entertained; +and as she enters the room her first thought is, +"I wonder how I look." If, upon an examination +of the other young ladies present, she concludes that +she is as well dressed as anyone there, she experiences +a feeling of restfulness and of satisfaction, +and enjoys the evening. She imagines she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> +must be an object of interest to the men, and to +an extent she is.</p> + +<p>Men like women to be "well groomed." They +take in her whole appearance at a glance, and +then pay but little further attention to the question +of gowns, ribbons, slippers or sashes. They +want to be entertained and amused. If the only +preparation a young lady has made to render +herself attractive and interesting is the care bestowed +upon her personal appearance; if her resources +for attracting consist only of a pretty face +and a graceful figure in a pretty gown, she will +never become famous for her conquests.</p> + +<p>Simplicity and exquisitely fresh neatness and +daintiness are to a man more attractive than any +extravagance of fashion or costliness of material. +No man was ever induced to propose to a girl by +the splendor of her costume. Of course it would +be absurd to assert that physical beauty is of no +value, or that dress is of little importance. That +girl who is born physically beautiful, is fortunate +indeed, and any girl of common sense knows that +an attractive gown or a becoming hat is of importance. +The great thing for her to understand +is that there must be something better under the +becoming hat than a pretty face, for her own +happiness, and if she would be very attractive +to others.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<p>Just as there are some persons who are said +to be born magnetic, so some women are supposed +to have a peculiarly attractive way of wearing +clothes which defies imitation.</p> + +<p>Said a writer in the <i>Springfield Republican</i>: +"There is a subtle something which one cannot +get on the microscopic slide, which refuses to be +reduced to percentages, which baffles description, +and that is the manner in which some women wear +their clothes. Two girls with faces of equal value +and garments of identical texture will fail to produce +equivalent effects, because one has this indefinable +quality, and the other has not. Consequently +we often hear it said that some girls are +more attractive in calico than others in richer +material."</p> + +<p>That there is a marked difference in the way +different women wear their clothes, no one will +deny, but because some girls look and appear to +better advantage than others in the same material, +is it necessary to regard it as beyond comprehension, +or to declare that it "baffles description"? +The writer did not go far enough in his +description of the two girls. While their faces +were of equal value, and their clothing was of the +same material, there might be other differences +which would account for the "indefinable quality." +Possibly one was pleasing in manner and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> +other not. One was awkward in person and in +speech, while the other was tactful and graceful. +One was dull; the other interesting. The difference +was one of physical and mental characteristics, +and not a quality that "baffles description." +Indeed it is a difference easily understood and +analyzed.</p> + +<p>If two girls have faces and forms of equal value, +and are equally graceful, tactful and well mannered, +their clothes, if of the same form and material, +will be worn in much the same way, and +will produce much the same effect.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>No man, whatever his position in the world +may be, can afford to be careless about his personal +appearance. Dress may not make the man, +but we all form in our minds a very clear idea of +what a man is by his dress. We gain our first +impression of persons by what they have on; our +second judgment is formed from their conversation +and manner.</p> + +<p>The well dressed man is more attractive to +others, and he feels much better himself than he +would if carelessly attired. Have you noticed the +wonderful transformation which takes place in a +man when he doffs his everyday clothes and dons +a dress suit? During the day he may have an +untidy and even a slovenly appearance, but as soon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> +as he puts on a well laundered shirt, a high standing +collar, a fresh lawn tie, and a dress suit, he +seems completely changed. He looks from five +to ten years younger, and from his manner you +know that he feels younger. He is on better terms +with himself and with the world.</p> + +<p>Every woman likes a man better for being well +dressed. She may excuse, or overlook, carelessness +or even slovenliness in his personal appearance, +if she is very fond of him, but she would like +him much more if he were neat and tidy and tasteful. +She may forgive his green and yellow necktie, +she may overlook his soiled linen, she may +make no reference to his coat with its collar +covered with dust and dandruff; she may not let +him know that she has even noticed any of these +things, but she has. She thinks of them whenever +he is with her, and sometimes when she is away +from him, and she wishes he were different. She +may like him in spite of these defects. Women +usually like a man in spite of things. If a man +noticed half as many things about a woman that +did not please him, he would never love her at all.</p> + +<p>Leaving out of the question the fact that women +like to have men neat and even elegant in their +raiment, no man who is seeking to make his way +in business or in a profession, can afford to be +careless about his clothes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> + +<p>"A few men," says <i>The Lewiston Journal</i>, +"clothed in the serenity of soul that approaches +the insanity of genius can afford to go illy-clothed. +President Lincoln was given free license to wear +frock coats unbecomingly. Horace Greeley could +wear a linen duster with grace and equanimity. +But they were unique. They could make fashion +look insignificant, but you and I cannot, if we +care to move amid the throng of busy people seeking +passage on the car of progress."</p> + +<p>No better advice has been given to men on the +subject of dress than in an article which appeared +in <i>Success</i>. A short extract from the article will +close this chapter.</p> + +<p>"Clothes are one of the accepted standards by +which men are judged the world over. They form +the chief standard of first impression; so, for that +reason alone, it would be difficult to overestimate +their importance. They show at a glance whether +a man is neat or untidy; careful or careless; +methodical or shiftless, and what sort of taste he +has. Nothing else about him reflects so much of +his personal characteristics. So it is not surprising +to be told by those who yearly give employment +to thousands of men and boys, that more +applicants are turned away on account of their +personal appearance than for all other reasons +put together. But it would surprise some people<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> +very much if they knew how widely this rule is +applied.</p> + +<p>The well dressed man is one whose clothes do +not make him the object of comment, either because +they are showy or shabby. He never goes +to the extremes of fashion, thereby courting +notoriety; he never goes to the other extreme by +paying no attention at all to what he wears or +how he wears it. He is always modest in his attire. +He conforms to the established customs of +changing his attire as the occasion demands, without +making himself a slave to reform. He does +not always wear expensive clothes, nor is it at all +necessary that he should. But he is always clean +and neat, or, as the present day has it, he is "well +groomed."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> +<h2>THE OPTIMIST.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>The habit of looking on the bright side of things +is worth far more than a thousand pounds a year.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">—Samuel Johnson.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>"More than half the unhappiness in the world +comes from a person's unwillingness to look on +the bright side so long as a dark side can be discovered."</i></p> +</div> + +<p>We all like the optimist. The bright, cheerful, +good-natured fellow, who always looks through +the cloud and sees its silver lining, is as good as +a tonic to our most pessimistic dispositions. If, +then, you wish to make yourself agreeable to others +and to yourself, cultivate the habit of cheerfulness—of +always looking on the bright side. Wear a +pleasant countenance; let cheerfulness beam in +your eye; let love write its mark on your forehead, +and have kind words and a pleasant greeting +for those whom you meet. Don't forget to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> +say "good morning!" and say it heartily. Say +it to your brothers and sisters, your school-mates, +your parents, your teachers and your friends. +Pleasant, hearty greetings cheer the discouraged, +rest the tired, and make the wheels of life run +more smoothly. They clear up the thorny pathways, +win friends, and confound enemies. In fact, +it is impossible to resist the influence of cheerfulness. +Let a bright face beam on the darkness +of defeat, shine on the abode of poverty; illumine +the chamber of sickness, and how everything +changes under its benign influence.</p> + +<p>Victory becomes possible, competence promises a +golden future, and health is wooed back again.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, you cannot estimate the +amount of unhappiness you may cause by wearing +a clouded face and by speaking harsh, unkind +words.</p> + +<p>Many persons fret and whine all through life. +They never appear to have a generous impulse.</p> + +<p>"They seem to have come into the world during +one of those cold, bleak, gloomy days, when there +was nothing with which to build a fire. They, +apparently, grew up in the same bleak atmosphere, +and they live in it all their lives. You +see their smallness in everything they do and say. +You see it in their buying and in their selling, in +their talk and in their actions. They have been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> +well called 'the frogs that constitute one of the +plagues of society.' They have never made one +heart glad, nor shed one ray of sunshine upon +man, woman, or child."</p> + +<p>It is just as easy to be kind as to be cross, +and as easy to give pleasure as pain. It costs +nothing; it is a smile, an appreciative word, a +mention of what one likes to hear spoken of rather +than an irritating reference.</p> + +<p>If your minister has preached a sermon that +interested and helped you, tell him so. It will +encourage and cheer him, and he will try to give +you still better sermons in the future. Remember +that the preacher is much more human than most +people think, and that no man more highly prizes +the genuine, manly word of good cheer, sympathy +and affection. If your grocer has sold you something +that was particularly good, tell him so. No +doubt you have often found fault with the tea +and the flour and the meat; then why not surprise +him by letting him know that you appreciate a +good thing when you get it.</p> + +<p>Perhaps you have children who are attending +the public schools. Perhaps their teacher by +patience, tact, and the expenditure of much nerve +force, has succeeded in interesting them in their +studies as they have never been before. Don't +you think it would stimulate her to still greater<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> +effort if you should say to her when you meet: +"My children are doing well at school this term. +They like you and are interested in their work." +No doubt you have often severely criticised teachers, +methods, and school management, and you +have been very free with your words of condemnation. +Why not help a little by some expression +of approval if you can honestly do so.</p> + +<p>Give pleasure to your wife, if you have one. +Notice her painstaking efforts to make home comfortable; +compliment her dinner and show that +you appreciate the thousand things she does for +your comfort. There is no greater exhibition of +heroic fortitude than is seen in one who dwells +in a cheerless home she does her best to brighten, +and who wears away the years in an unsatisfied +desire for words and tokens of love and sympathy +which never come to her.</p> + +<p>Do not be afraid of giving something of yourself, +of letting yourself out a little; and do not +fear that your heart will run away with your head. +Do not confound sentiment with sentimentalism, +and do not hesitate to praise a thing or an act if +it is really worthy of it. You need to do this for +your own sake as well as for the sake of making +others happy.</p> + +<p>"For my own sake," you say. "In what way +will it help me if I bestow praise upon another?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> +Praise, when it is deserved, is of more importance +to the giver than the receiver.</p> + +<p>"Praise does not immediately affect the merit +of him to whom it is awarded," said a writer recently, +"but it does immediately affect the merit +of him to whom its awarding belongs. If a man +deserves praise he is quite as much of a man without +it as with it; but no man can be so much of a +man, nor seem so much of a man, while withholding +just praise as while bestowing it."</p> + +<p>In little matters as well as in large ones, to +acknowledge the merit of others is a duty, the +performance of which is even more important to +the one who owes it, than to the one to whom it +is owed. We do not fail to express our appreciation +of heroic deeds, but it is in the common, +everyday life that the words of appreciation are +most sorely needed, and too seldom spoken. Many +a woman would have been greatly cheered and +helped over many hard places, if, while living, she +could have heard half as many nice things said +to her by those she loved, as were put into her +funeral sermon and obituary notice.</p> + +<p>There is, of course, a great difference between +the expression of a due and delicate appreciation +of merit, and that false and exaggerated praise +which is dictated by the desire to flatter. The +former is always received with pleasure, but the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> +latter wounds the susceptibility of those on whom +it is lavished. To a mind rightly constituted, +there are few things more painful than undeserved, +or even excessive commendation. Flattery is never +excusable; deserved praise should never be withheld.</p> + +<p>Do not be a grumbler. Is there any person more +unwelcome than the chronic growler? When we +meet him he begins by growling about the weather; +then you are entertained with a long account of +his aches and pains, his trials and his losses. +Nothing pleases him. His neighbors are dishonest, +church members are hypocrites, public +officials are, in his estimation, all rascals, law +makers are corrupt, and the country is going to +the dogs. If you speak in commendation of an +individual, he at once attempts to belittle him +in your estimation. If you praise a cause or an +institution, he is sure to find fault with what you +say. He wishes your sympathy for his troubles, +but he has none to give.</p> + +<p>We all crave sympathy, but, if we are not careful, +we may exhaust the patience, even of our best +friends, with the recital of our troubles. If your +aches and pains are ever so bad, the best advice +for you is "grin and bear it." It is all very well +to be an interesting invalid for a short time. +Your neighbors will bring you in good things to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> +eat, and your friends will bring you pretty flowers +to look at, and books to read, but do not remain +too long in bed if you can help it, and do not +wear too long and sad a face when you are recovering. +It will not relieve your pain at all to tell +everyone you meet how much you suffer, and when +your friends have sympathized with you a dozen +times they become a little tired of it. This advice is +worthy of practice, not for the sake of your friends +only, but for your own. The burden cheerfully +borne becomes light, and any physician knows +that the hopeful, cheerful patient has many more +chances of recovery than the despondent one. In +the lives of us all there are hours of anxiety, disappointment, +pain and vexation; seasons of trial +that are to be met only with stubborn patience. +Greatness of soul is tested by the serenity with +which these inevitable ills are borne and finally +overcome. The little mind will fret and chafe +and fume over little things, even as the petty +stream over its narrow, pebbly bed, while the deep, +strong river moves swiftly and silently over the +boulders that lie at its bottom.</p> + +<p>"But," you say, "while the advice is good it is +very hard to follow it." Yes, but it is really harder +not to heed it. "The bird that beats against the +iron bars of its cage suffers more than the patient +captive."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> + +<p>Laugh all you can. It is good for you. Physicians +tell us that laughing has a direct and +positive effect upon one's health. The physical +movement caused by a hearty laugh causes the +arteries to dilate and the flow of blood to hasten, +thus promoting an acceleration of vital processes; +and a mental action through stimulating the blood +vessels of the brain. He who administers medicine +in the shape of wit and humor to the sad heart +is most assuredly a "good Samaritan."</p> + +<p>The irresistible, good-humored philosophy of +Mark Twain has relieved the depression and sorrow +of multitudes. He has compelled us to laugh, +and his mission in the world has been a beneficent +one. A cheerful face is as good for an invalid +as pleasant weather. Cheerfulness is health, melancholy +is disease. Cheerfulness is just as natural +to the heart of a man in sound moral and physical +health as color to his cheeks, and wherever +we see habitual gloom we may be sure there is +something radically wrong in the animal economy +or the moral sense.</p> + +<p>Sydney Smith once gave a lady two-and-twenty +receipts against melancholy. One was a bright +fire; another, to remember all the pleasant things +said to her; another, to keep a box of sugar plums +on the chimney piece and a kettle simmering on +the hob. These are trivial things in themselves<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> +but life is made up of these little pleasures and +none should be neglected because of their seemingly +trifling nature.</p> + +<p>If our temperament does not make us naturally +cheerful, we can, at least, cultivate those habits +of body and mind which seem most favorable to +the growth of this condition. We can keep the +mind open to cheerful impressions, and close it +to those that are gloomy. It is far better to +magnify our blessings than to depreciate them. +The Spaniard of whom Southey tells that he always +put on his magnifying glasses when he ate +cherries, in order to make them seem larger, had +the true philosophy of life. So the ancient Pompeiians +seem to have well understood the art of +making the most of everything. Their gardens +were very small, but by painting the surrounding +walls with plants and landscapes their little area +became indefinitely enlarged to the eye of the +observer.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> +<h2>PERSONAL PECULIARITIES.</h2> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>"Eccentricity may be harmless, but it never +can be commendable; it is one of the children of +that prolific failing—vanity. And whether it +shows in feeling, manners, or peculiarities of +dress, it is clearly acted upon from the presumptuous +supposition that the many are in the +wrong, the individual in the right."</i></p> + +<p><i>Society will pardon much to genius and special +gifts, but, being in its nature a convention, +it loves what is conventional or what belongs to +coming together. That makes the good and +bad of manners, namely, what helps or hinders +fellowship.</i></p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Emerson.</span><br /> +</p> +</div> + +<p>We all know that the outward address of a +person has great influence upon his success both +in the social and the business world. Thousands +of men and women are, in their efforts to please,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> +hindered by some personal peculiarity which is +painfully apparent to other people, but of which +they themselves seem wholly ignorant. Thousands +of professional and business men are prevented +from attaining the success they might +reach by some infelicity of manner or speech +which could be remedied by a little painstaking +effort.</p> + +<p>Here is a physician who has prepared himself +thoroughly for his profession by years of hard +study and by the expenditure of a considerable +sum of money, but he knows little of human nature, +and but little of the requirements of good +society. He has no tact, and has not thought +it necessary to cultivate that quality. He is +cold and unsympathetic. He has no ability to +make friends or to keep them. He is not sociable, +and he does not make himself agreeable +to his patients by those little kindly acts and +sympathetic speeches so comforting to invalids. +He feels that he is well prepared to practice his +profession, and he regards any personal defects +as of little importance. Other men of less ability, +but with more tact, soon outstrip him in the +race for public favor. He never succeeds in acquiring +a large practice, and, possibly, never +knows the reason why.</p> + +<p>A young man applies for a position as a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> +teacher. He is well equipped in scholarship for +the place he wishes, for he led his class in college, +and he comes highly recommended as a young +man of integrity and earnestness. After a short +interview the superintendent of schools decides +that he is not the man for the position and the +applicant goes away disappointed. Why was he +rejected? Not by reason of poor scholarship, nor +for lack of moral character, but simply on account +of his personal appearance. He was untidy +in his dress. His linen was soiled, his coat +was not brushed, his cuffs were frayed at the +edges, while his finger-nails gave evidence that +he was habitually careless about personal neatness +and cleanliness. The superintendent decided +at once that he did not want him, and the +young man did not know why.</p> + +<p>Here is a young woman who is fine looking, intelligent +and accomplished. Apparently she possesses +all those qualities which are necessary to +make her a favorite in society and she seems to +deserve a host of friends. Yet she is not greatly +sought after by her acquaintances, and she has +few firm friends. Young men pay her but little +attention, and seem afraid of her. Other girls, +less brilliant intellectually, with fewer accomplishments, +and with plainer faces, are far +greater favorites in society. Her particular<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> +weakness is that she has allowed herself to fall +into the practice of employing sarcasm to an extent +which is offensive to those with whom she +talks. She has a habit of saying disagreeable, +biting things in a humorous way, and she never +suspects that people are hurt by them. She has +cultivated the habit to such a degree that she +can always raise a laugh at some person's expense, +and she is constantly on the watch for +opportunities to exercise this accomplishment. +Finally it dawns upon her that she does +not hold her friends; that she is sometimes +slighted in the matter of invitations; that she +is not a popular girl, and she doesn't know why.</p> + +<p>A certain clergyman is a fine preacher, capable +of attracting, instructing, and inspiring the +most cultivated audiences, but he is shut out +from his proper sphere of usefulness and influence, +and prevented from reaching the position +for which his endowments qualify him, by a +matter which might seem trifling in itself, but +which has become offensive through its persistent +hold upon him. He exhibits a lack of proper +deference to the feelings of others, an arrogant +and unsympathetic tone of voice, and sometimes +yields, under opposition, to unrestrained violence +of language. He betrays his weakness every +time anyone crosses his plans and desires. It<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> +seems hard for him to understand that others +have an equal right to their preference and opinions. +He forgets that while it is easy to be +amiable when everyone agrees with him, the +test of character is in keeping the temper sweet +and reasonable when people differ from him and +criticise him. He understands his power to move +audiences; he is told by persons competent to +judge that his sermons are superior; he knows +that in higher intellectual qualities he surpasses +many other clergymen who secure and retain +prominent positions; yet the painful truth is +forced upon him that his services as a pastor are +not sought for, while inferior preachers are selected +for places of power and influence.</p> + +<p>A man goes into trade. He is a shrewd buyer, +energetic, honest, and keeps a good assortment of +goods, but he is not obliging to customers. He +is short and crusty in his speech, irritable and +sometimes almost rude in his manner; consequently +he does not hold his patrons. They +leave him, one by one, and do their purchasing +at other stores where they receive polite attention. +The merchant does not prosper in business, +and he never knows why.</p> + +<p>Here is a woman who prides herself upon her +plain speaking. She boasts that when she has +anything to say she is willing to say it to one's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> +face, and not behind one's back. She thinks it +is a mark of sincerity and frankness to say disagreeable +things and to bring one's infirmities +to the surface. Her tendencies finally become +fixed habits. She finds herself shunned by her +acquaintances, and she does not know why.</p> + +<p>Then there is the loquacious woman, the woman +who monopolizes the conversation, the woman +who has an apparent contempt for paragraph +and punctuation. No matter what the +topic of conversation may be, she at once takes +the management of it into her own hands, and +the other members of the company are made to +feel at once that they are expected to be only +listeners. The loquacious woman may talk well—she +often does—but she fails to understand +that there may be such a thing as too much even +of good things, and so she talks on and on, with +an utter disregard for the rights and the comfort +of those around her.</p> + +<p>A professional man, who possesses much intellectual +force and originality, takes pride in his +unconventionality in the matter of dress. +His garments are so far from the prevailing +style that they attract attention and invite +comment. He does not realize that the man +who rebels against fashion may be open even +more to the imputation of vanity than he who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> +obeys it, because he makes himself conspicuous, +and practically announces that he is wiser than +his associates. An affectation of superior simplicity +is vulgarity.</p> + +<p>Stop a moment and recall twenty men and +women of your acquaintance. You will probably +remember that two-thirds of them have some peculiarity, +some defect of speech or manner which +detracts from their social and business success, +or from their usefulness. One is a gossip; another +possesses a hasty temper, while a third +is intellectually dishonest, never yielding his position, +even under the most absolute proof that +he is in the wrong. One of your friends is a +pessimist, and is continually attempting to convert +you to his point of view, while his wife is +so inquisitive that you at once become nervous +when you perceive her approach. A young woman +of your acquaintance would be a most charming +person if she did not laugh too much. A +conversation with her is, upon her part, a perpetual +giggle.</p> + +<p>These may generally be good, intelligent, and, +in many respects, charming people, but unfortunately +they are hampered by these deficiencies. +They have become so unconscious of these +personal traits that, doubtless, they would be +greatly surprised were their attention called to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> +them. The effect of these shortcomings upon +others is, however, just as unfortunate as if +they were intentionally retained and nourished, +for we usually regard the outward manner as +a true index of the inward emotion.</p> + +<p>If so many of our acquaintances display idiosyncrasies +that affect us disagreeably, is it not possible +that we too may be harboring some remediable evil +of temper, some superable infirmity of manner or +of speech which is a bar to our own usefulness, +because distressing to those with whom we are +thrown?</p> + +<p>Let us think about this.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> +<h2>SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES</h2> + +<h4>FOR</h4> + +<h2>THE MAN WHO WOULD PLEASE AND<br /> +THE WOMAN WHO WOULD<br /> +CHARM.</h2> + + +<p>A gentleman makes no noise; a lady is serene.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Emerson.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>So I talked a great deal and found myself infinitely +pleased with Brandon's conversational +powers, which were rare; being no less than the +capacity for saying nothing, and listening politely +to an indefinite deal of the same thing, in +another form, from me.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Charles Major.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Talk about those subjects you have had long in +your mind, and listen to what others say about +subjects you have studied but recently. Knowledge +and timber should not be much used till they +are seasoned.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">O. W. Holmes.</span></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>A beautiful form is better than a beautiful +face; a beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful +form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues +or pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Emerson.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Believe nothing against another but on good +authority, nor report what may hurt another, +unless it be a greater hurt to another to conceal +it.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">William Penn.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Life is like a mirror. It reflects the face you +bring to it. Look out lovingly upon the world, +and the world will look lovingly in upon you."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>But it is mostly my own dreams I talk of, +and that will somewhat excuse me for talking +of dreams at all. Everyone knows how delightful +the dreams are that one dreams one's self, +and how insipid the dreams of others are. I +had an illustration of this fact not many evenings +ago, when a company of us got telling +dreams. I had by far the best dreams of any; +to be quite frank, mine were the only dreams +worth listening to; they were richly imaginative, +delicately fantastic, exquisitely whimsical, and +humorous in the last degree; and I wondered that +when the rest could have listened to them they were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> +always eager to cut in with some silly, senseless, +tasteless thing, that made me sorry and ashamed +for them. I shall not be going too far if I say +that it was on their part the grossest betrayal of +vanity that I ever witnessed.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">William Dean Howells.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"There is a great mistake in supposing that +giving is concerned only with material benefits. +These form indeed but a small part of its mission. +Whoever creates happiness, whether by a kindly +greeting, or tender sympathy, or inspiring presence, +or stimulating thought, is as true a giver +as he who empties his purse to feed the hungry."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Politeness and good breeding are absolutely +necessary to adorn any or all other good qualities +or talents. Without them no knowledge, no perfection +whatever, is seen in its best light. The +scholar, without good breeding, is a pedant; the +philosopher, a cynic; the soldier a brute; and every +man, disagreeable.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Tact, though partly a natural gift, is a good +deal indebted to education and early habits. The +superiority of one sex to the other in this respect +will often be found to depend on art quite as +much as upon nature."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Never is silence more eloquent than when it +is preserved toward persons older than ourselves +when they voice opinions long since proven erroneous. +Age doesn't like to be contradicted, right +or wrong."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>In the supremacy of self-control consists one +of the perfections of the ideal man: not to be impulsive, +not to be spurred hither and thither by +each desire that in turn comes uppermost; but +to be restrained, self-balanced, governed by the +joint decision of the feelings in council assembled, +before whom every action shall have been fully +debated and calmly determined.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Herbert Spencer.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>In the exhaustless catalogue of heaven's +mercies to mankind, the power we have of finding +some germs of comfort in the hardest trials +must ever occupy the foremost place; not only +because it supports and upholds us when we most +require to be sustained, but because in this source +of consolation there is something, we have every +reason to believe, of the Divine Spirit; something +which, even in our fallen nature we possess in common +with the angels.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Dickens.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"When you bury animosity don't set up a headstone +over its grave."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>I don't never hav truble in regulating mi own +kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz +what bothers me.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Hundreds of the most agreeable persons in +fashionable society are those who are content to +be taught the things they already know."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>It is better to return a dropped fan genteelly +than give a thousand pounds awkwardly; you +had better refuse a favor gracefully than grant it +clumsily. All your Greek can never advance you +from secretary to envoy, or from envoy to embassador, +but your address, your air, your manner, +if good, may.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"The art of not hearing should be learned by +all. It is fully as important to domestic happiness +as a cultivated ear, for which both money +and time are expended. There are so many things +which it is painful to hear, so many which we +ought not to hear, so very many which if heard +will disturb the temper, corrupt simplicity and +modesty, detract from contentment and happiness +that everyone should be educated to take in or +shut out sounds according to his or her pleasure."</p> + +<p class="author"> +<i>Once A Week.</i></p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for +words left unsaid and deeds left undone. She +never knew how I loved her. He never knew +what he was to me. I always meant to make more +of your friendship. I did not know what he was +to me till he was gone. Such are the poisoned +arrows which cruel death shoots back at us from +the door of the sepulchre."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>We are only really alive when we enjoy the +good will of others.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Goethe.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain +on the affections.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">George Eliot.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Power hath not one-half the might of gentleness."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Manner is of importance. A kind no is often +more agreeable than a rough yes.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Bengel.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>We are always clever with those who imagine +we think as they do. To be shallow you must +differ from people; to be profound you must agree +with them.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Bulwer.</span></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>If you want to spoil all that God gives you; +if you want to be miserable yourself and a maker +of misery to others, the way is easy enough. Only +be selfish, and it is done at once.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Charles Kingsley.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Language was given us that we might say pleasant +things.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Bovee.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"The specially social qualities are good nature, +amiability, the desire to please, and the kindness +of heart that avoids giving offence. A good natured +person may frankly disagree with you, but +he never offends."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Emerson.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Pride of origin, whether high or low, springs +from the same principle of human nature; one is +but the positive, the other the negative pole of a +single weakness.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Lowell.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The best possible impression that you can +make by your dress is to make no separate impression +at all; but so to harmonize its material +and shape with your personality, that it becomes +tributary in the general effect, and so exclusively<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +tributary that people cannot tell after seeing you +what kind of clothes you wear.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">J. G. Holland.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Nothing is more dangerous than to paint men +as they are when by chance they are not as handsome +as they would wish to be.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Edmond About.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Borrow trouble if you have not enough already."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Refinement creates beauty everywhere.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Hazlitt.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"A lady may always judge of the estimation in +which she is held by the conversation which is +addressed to her."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Some people cannot drive to happiness with +four horses, and others can reach the goal on foot.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Thackeray.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"The clown who excites the multitudes to mirth +is more a benefactor than the conqueror who +drapes a thousand homes in mourning."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Tact is the art of putting yourself in another's +place, and being quick about it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"It pays 100 per cent. to be polite to everyone, +from the garbage gatherer to the governor."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"If you wish that your own merit should be +recognized, recognize the merits of others."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"If you cannot be happy in one way, be happy +in another; and this facility of disposition wants +but little aid from philosophy, for health and good +humor are almost the whole affair. Many run +about after felicity, like an absent man hunting for +his hat while it is on his head or in his hand. +Such persons want nothing to make them the happiest +people in the world but the knowledge that +they are so."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"An Atchison woman, who three days ago was +considered the most popular woman in town, has +not one friend left; instead of sympathizing with +her friends, as she has heretofore, she began telling +them her troubles."</p> + +<p class="author"> +<i>Atchison Globe.</i><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>It is the characteristic of folly to discern the +faults of others and to forget one's own.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Cicero.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>What is it to be a gentleman? It is to be +honest, to be gentle, to be generous, to be brave,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> +to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, to +exercise them in the most graceful outward manner.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Thackeray.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p><i> +Teach me to feel another's woe,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To hide the fault I see;</span><br /> +That mercy I to others show,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That mercy show to me.</span><br /> +</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Pope.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"The Persians say of noisy, unreasonable talk: +'I hear the noise of the mill-stone, but I see no +meal.'"</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the +grain.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Alger.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>It is much easier to be critical than correct.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Beaconsfield.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"'I am busy, Johnnie, and can't help it,' said the +father, writing away when the little fellow hurt his +finger. 'Yes, you could—you might have said oh!' +sobbed Johnnie. There's a Johnnie in tears inside +all of us upon occasions."</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Rev. W. C. Gannett.</span></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from +flying over your head, but you may prevent them +from stopping to build their nests there."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>In general society one should always avoid discussions +upon two subjects—religion and politics. +In a discussion upon either of these subjects you +will find very little intellectual honesty, and it will +almost invariably lead to irritating differences of +opinion.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>A gentleman is one who understands and shows +every mark of deference to the claims of self-love +in others and exacts it in return from them.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Hazlitt.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"There is no real conflict between truth and +politeness; what is imagined to be such is only +the crude mistake of those who fail to discover +their harmony. Politeness, taken in its best +sense, is the graceful expression of respect, kind +feeling, and good will."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Beloved among women is she who, having +warned a friend of the consequences to follow rash +doings, will, when her prophecies have come true, +withhold the triumphant: I told you so!"</p> + +<p class="author"> +<i>Boston Journal.</i></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"No one loses by politeness to, or by the trifling +exercise of apparent pleasure in a caller. While +I have no wish to counsel insincerity, there is a +wide difference between that offensive veneer and +the pure metal of consideration for the feelings +of a stranger within one's gate."</p> + + +<h3>LADY BELLAIR'S ADVICE TO GIRLS.</h3> + + +<h4>WHAT TO AVOID.</h4> + +<p>A loud, weak, affected, whining, harsh or shrill +tone of voice. Extravagances in conversation—such +phrases as "Awfully this," "Beastly that," +"Loads of time," "Don't you know," "Hate" for +"dislike," etc.</p> + +<p>Sudden exclamations of annoyance, surprise +and joy,—often dangerously approaching to "female +swearing"—as "Bother!" "Gracious!" +"How jolly!"</p> + +<p>Yawning when listening to anyone.</p> + +<p>Talking on family matters, even to bosom +friends.</p> + +<p>Attempting any vocal or instrumental piece of +music that you cannot execute with ease.</p> + +<p>Crossing your letters.</p> + + +<p>Making a sharp, short nod with the head, intended +to do duty as a bow.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + + +<h4>WHAT TO CULTIVATE.</h4> + +<p>An unaffected, low, distinct, silver-toned voice.</p> + +<p>The art of pleasing those around you, and +seeming pleased with them and all they may do for +you.</p> + +<p>The charm of making little sacrifices quite +naturally, as if of no account to yourself.</p> + +<p>The habit of making allowances for the +opinions, feelings, or prejudices of others.</p> + +<p>An erect carriage—that is, a sound body.</p> + +<p>A good memory for faces, and facts connected +with them—thus avoiding giving offence through +not recognizing or bowing to people, or saying to +them what had best been left unsaid.</p> + +<p>The art of listening without impatience to +prosy talkers, and smiling at the twice-told tale +or joke.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"He who would see his sons and daughters +thoroughly and truly gentle, must forbid selfishness +of action, rudeness of speech, carelessness of +forms, impoliteness of conduct from the first, and +demand that in childhood and the nursery shall +be laid the foundation of that good breeding which +is as a jewel of price to the mature man and +woman."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Many persons consider that 'bad temper' is +entirely voluntary on the part of the person who +displays it. As a matter of fact it is often, to +a very great extent, involuntary, and no one is +more angry at it than the bad tempered person +himself. Of course everyone, whether he is born +with a bad temper or has acquired one from +habit, or has been visited with one as the result +of disease or injury, should at least try to control +it. But his friends should also bear in mind that +bad temper may be, and often is, an affliction to +be sympathized with, not an offence to be punished."</p> + +<p class="author"> +<i>Once A Week.</i><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>There are some people so given over to the +pettiness of fault-picking, that if they should +suddenly see the handwriting on the wall, they +would disregard its awful warning in their eager +haste to point out its defective penmanship.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Brander Matthews.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"We are all dissatisfied. The only difference is +that some of us sit down in the squalor of our +dissatisfaction, while others make a ladder of it."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Mrs. Julia Ward Howe said, in speaking of Longfellow, +that "his personal charm was in a delicateness +of mind that was truly cosmopolitan; he had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> +a vivid appreciation of what was beautiful and +noble, and he represented the purest taste and the +most perfect feeling." Was there ever given a +finer definition of a gentleman?</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Set a watch over thy mouth, and keep the +door of thy lips, for a tale-bearer is worse than a +thief."</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">The Bible.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"He submits to be seen through a microscope +who suffers himself to be caught in a passion."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"It isn't what you wear in this life, gentlemen; +it is how you wear it. It isn't so much what you +do; it is how you do it. There are people who do +tasteful things vulgarly, and vulgar things tastefully. +Who was it that</p> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p><i>'Kicked them downstairs with such very fine grace,<br /> +They thought he was handing them up'?</i></p> +</div> + +<p>"A sense of humor is one of the most precious +gifts that can be vouchsafed to a human being. +He is not necessarily a better man for having it, +but he is a happier one. It renders him indifferent +to good or bad fortune. It enables him to +enjoy his own discomfiture. Blessed with this +sense, he is never unduly elated or cast down.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> +No one can ruffle his temper. No abuse disturbs +his equanimity. Bores do not bore him. Humbugs +do not humbug him. Solemn airs do not +impose on him. Sentimental gush does not influence +him. The follies of the moment have no +hold on him."</p> + +<p class="author"> +<i>Boston Journal.</i><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>There is always a best way of doing everything, +if it be but to boil an egg. Manners are +the happy way of doing things; each one the +stroke of genius or of love—now repeated and +hardened into usage. Your manners are always +under examination, and by committees little suspected—a +police in citizen's clothes—but are +awarding or denying you very high prizes when +you least think of it.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Emerson.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>My experience of life makes me sure of one +truth, which I do not try to explain; that the +sweetest happiness we ever know, the very wine +of human life, comes not from love, but from +sacrifice—from the effort to make others happy. +This is as true to me as that my flesh will burn if +I touch red-hot metal.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">John Boyle O'Reilly.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"A wise man will turn adverse criticism and +malicious attacks to good account. He will con<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>sider +carefully whether there is not in him some +weakness or fault which, although he never discovered, +was plain to the eye of his enemy. Many +men profit more by the assaults of foes than by +the kindness of friends."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Politeness is like an air cushion: there may be +nothing in it, but it eases our jolts wonderfully."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes +you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. +On the contrary, the nearer you come into +relation with a person the more necessary do tact +and courtesy become. Except in cases of necessity, +which are rare, leave your friend to learn +unpleasant truths from his enemies: they are +ready enough to tell them. Good breeding never +forgets that <i>amour-propre</i> is universal.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">O. W. Holmes.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Whatever our disbeliefs, most of us profoundly +believe in goodness; and we incline to believe that +a man who has practically learned the secret of +noble living has somehow got near the truth of +things.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Geo. S. Merriam.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"A man's bad temper sometimes does more toward +spoiling a dinner than a woman's bad +cooking."</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p> +<i>Her voice was ever soft,<br /> +Gentle and low; an excellent thing in<br /> +Woman.</i></p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>True politeness is perfect ease and freedom. +It simply consists in treating others just as you +love to be treated yourself.</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span class="smcap">Chesterfield.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>A man has no more right to say an uncivil +thing than to act one, no more right to say a rude +thing to another than to knock him down.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Johnson.</span><br /> +</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p> +How sweet and gracious, even in common speech,<br /> +Is that fine sense which men call courtesy!<br /> +Wholesome as air and genial as the light,<br /> +Welcome in every clime as breath of flowers,——<br /> +It transmutes aliens into trusting friends,<br /> +And gives its owner passport round the globe.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">J. T. Fields.</span><br /> +</p> + + +<h4>THE END.</h4> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<div class="tnote"> +<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES</h3> + +<p>Other than the corrections in punctuation errors and misprints +listed below, printer's inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation +have been retained:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p> + "repuation" corrected to "reputation" (page 2)<br /> + "sympatheic" corrected to "sympathetic" (page 38)<br /> + "Stael" corrected to "Staël" (page 59) +</p></div> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who +Charms, by John A. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who Charms + +Author: John A. Cone + +Release Date: April 3, 2011 [EBook #35761] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAN WHO PLEASES, WOMAN WHO CHARMS *** + + + + +Produced by Heather Clark and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + THE MAN WHO PLEASES + AND + THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS + + BY + JOHN A. CONE + + "Look out lovingly upon the world and the + world will look lovingly in upon you." + + HINDS & NOBLE, Publishers + 31-33-35 WEST 15TH STREET, NEW YORK CITY + + _Schoolbooks of all publishers at one store_ + + + + _Third printing, February, 1904._ + + Copyright, 1901. + by + JOHN A. CONE, + in the + United States + and + Great Britain. + Entered at Stationer's Hall, + London. + + All Rights Reserved. + + + + TO + MY MOTHER. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + THE MAN WHO PLEASES 1 + THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS 16 + THE ART OF CONVERSATION 29 + GOOD ENGLISH 37 + TACT IN CONVERSATION 48 + THE COMPLIMENT OF ATTENTION 57 + THE VOICE 65 + GOOD MANNERS 73 + DRESS 84 + THE OPTIMIST 97 + PERSONAL PECULIARITIES 106 + SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES 114 + + + + +PREFACE. + + +The makers of books have been divided into two classes--the creators and +the collectors. In preparing this volume the author has made no claim to +a place in the first division, for he has been, to a great extent, only +a collector. The facts which the book contains are familiar to +intelligent people, and the only excuse offered for presenting them in a +new dress is that we need to be reminded often of some truths with which +we are most familiar. + +In our daily intercourse with one another, we may forget to render to +others that thoughtfulness and attention which we exact from them. + +We all know that the essence of courtesy is the purpose, in speech and +manner, to be agreeable, attractive, and lovable, to awaken by our +presence happy impressions in another. We all understand this, but we so +easily forget it, or, at least, forget to put it into practice. + +Courtesy is not the least of the Christian virtues, and it should be +studied as an art. + +The reader is requested to accept these chapters in the spirit in which +they were prepared. They are not profound psychological studies, or even +original essays, but only a bringing together of simple, yet important +truths, which are of concern to us all. Possibly they may be of some +help--"Lest we forget,----" + + + + +THE MAN WHO PLEASES. + + _The dearest friend to me, the kindest man, + The best-conditioned and unwearied spirit + In doing courtesies._ + MERCHANT OF VENICE. + + _He hath a daily beauty in his life._ + OTHELLO. + + _Such a man would win any woman in the world if a' could get her + good will._ + MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. + + +There are few subjects of deeper interest to men and women than that of +personal fascination, or what is sometimes called "personal magnetism." +We commonly talk about it as though it were some mysterious quality of +which no definite account could be given. + +"A man is fascinating," we say, "he is born magnetic; he has an +indefinable charm which cannot be analyzed or understood," and, with the +term "naturally magnetic," we hand the matter over to the world of +mystery. + +Is this quality of so bewildering a nature that it cannot be understood, +or will a study of those men and women who possess preeminently the +power of pleasing show us the secret of their influence, and prove to us +that the gift of fascination is not, necessarily, innate, but that it +can, to a great degree, be acquired? + +Will we not find that what appears to be the perfection of naturalness +is often but the perfection of culture? + +From all our well-known public men who have won the reputation of being +"naturally magnetic," perhaps we could not select a better example than +James G. Blaine. With the possible exception of Henry Clay, no other +political leader in our history, under all circumstances, had so devoted +and determined a following. Both Clay and Blaine possessed sympathetic +and affectionate dispositions, and both understood human nature and the +art of pleasing. It may be said that Mr. Blaine's popularity was due, in +a great measure, to the brilliant and attractive nature of his public +service, and this was, no doubt, true to a certain extent. No man knew +better than he the importance of making the most of opportunities for +dramatic and sensational display, and his methods of statesmanship were +always calculated to please the multitude. + +His greatest power, however, was manifested in his winning men by direct +and individual contact. One thing which assisted him in this direction +was the fact that he was, perhaps, the most courteous of all the public +men of his generation. Whenever a stranger was introduced to him, a +hearty handshake, a look of interest and an attentive and cordial manner +assured him that Mr. Blaine was very glad to see him. If they chanced to +meet again, after months or even years, the man was delighted to find +that Mr. Blaine not only remembered his name, but that he had seemed to +treasure even the most trivial recollections of their short +acquaintance. He had a marvellous memory for faces and names, and he +understood the value of this gift. + +This ability to remember faces is not difficult to acquire. We could all +possess it if we would make sufficient effort. No two figures or +countenances are precisely alike, and it is by noting how they differ +one from another that you will remember them. + +In explaining his own remarkable memory for faces, Thomas B. Reed once +said to a reporter that he never looked a man in the face that some +striking peculiarity, a line, a wrinkle, an expression about the eye, +the set of the lips, the shape of the nose, something set that man's +face down in his mind indelibly, and distinguished him from the rest of +mankind. + +Blaine carefully trained himself to pick out some feature or peculiarity +by which he could distinguish one face or person from all others and by +which he could associate the name of the individual. + +The ability to remember names and faces is one of the most valuable +accomplishments for the man in public life, or, indeed, for any man or +woman who wishes social success. Not only does it insure comfort to +one's self, but it is especially pleasing to others. Next to the comfort +of being able to address by name and without hesitation a person one has +met but once, and without mistake, is the comfort of being recognized +one's self. + +Another reason why Mr. Blaine was popular with the masses was because he +was not difficult to approach, and he never missed a chance to be useful +to a person who might some time, in turn, be useful to him. + +The _St. Louis Globe-Democrat_ said shortly after his death: "It was not +the habit of Mr. Blaine to wait for men to seek favors from him. He +anticipated their desires, and doubled their obligations to him by +doing voluntarily what might have been delayed for solicitation. That +gave him the kind of popularity which outlasts defeat and resists all +ordinary influences of criticism and hostility. He could always count +upon a certain measure of unflinching and unconditional support, +whatever forces happened to be arrayed against him; and he changed +bitter enemies into zealous friends with a facility that was a source of +constant surprise and wonder." + +But why should his success in attracting others to himself be a source +of "surprise and wonder"? + +Mr. Blaine, in common with many other magnetic men and women, understood +that the secret of personal fascination lies in one single point; that +is, "in the power to excite in another person happy feelings of a high +degree of intensity, and to make that person identify such feelings with +the charm and power of the cherished cause of them." + +Any quality, good or evil, that enables a man to do this, renders him +fascinating, whether he be saint or sinner. Indeed, some of the men who +have been the most skilful in the art of pleasing have been scoundrels. + +Said a writer in the _Boston Herald_: "It used to be said of Aaron +Burr--so irresistible in charm of manner was the man--that he could +never stop at the stand of the ugliest old crone of an apple-woman, +without leaving on her mind when he went away the conviction that he +regarded her as the fairest and most gracious of her sex. And so, had +woman suffrage prevailed in his day, he would have had the solid vote of +the apple-women for any office he might aspire to." + +Aaron Burr clearly understood that the woman does not exist who is +wholly without sentiment, and he always appealed to that part of a +woman's nature. + +He understood very well the truth of these words written by Croly: "In +the whole course of my life I never met a woman, from the flat-nosed and +ebony-colored inhabitant of the tropics to the snow-white and sublime +divinity of a Greek isle, without a touch of romance; repulsiveness +could not conceal it, age could not extinguish it, viscissitude could +not change it. I have found it in all times and places, like a spring of +fresh water, starting up even from the flint, cheering the cheerless, +softening the insensible, renovating the withered; a secret whisper in +the ear of every woman alive that to the last, affection might flutter +its rosy pinions around her brow." + +Burr, understanding this, left in the mind of the apple-woman the firm +impression that he thought she must have been at one time a duchess, +reduced in fortune by some accident, and now driven to the last refuge +of an apple-stand, and that those sad facts evidently accounted for the +traits of high breeding and delicate refinement so visible through all +her present poverty. + +He understood the fact that all people live in two distinct worlds--the +world of reality and the world of imagination. In the world of reality +they use brooms and shovels, wash floors and dishes, or sell apples; in +the other, they live in drawing rooms, feast sumptuously and are the +wonder and admiration of mankind. + +"Few people," continues the writer in the _Herald_, "would believe that +an ugly, dilapidated looking apple-woman could dwell in the enchanted +realm of imagination just as much as the rich and favored do. But Burr +believed it, so when he spoke to the old crone, he went up, not to her +withered and beggarly self, but to her ideal self, imaginatively +entering into the duchess dream in her, and instinctively became +deferential in his bearing. + +"Forthwith the duchess in her came out to meet the courtly gentleman in +him, and greetings were exchanged as between two incognito scions of +noble lineage. Each enjoyed the meeting, each had vividness enough of +imagination to impart to it the flavor of reality, and to keep out of +sight common, material facts." + +"But," you say, "not every man can make such an impression, for few are +able to do and say things with the ease and grace of a Burr. There must +be a naturalness of manner which never suggests suspicion. Let the +average man attempt to force his nature and to manufacture smiles and +looks of pleasure, and the old apple-woman will know at once that she is +being fooled." Very true, and it is not desirable that the average man +should possess the ability of an Aaron Burr to influence others. Few +persons try as he did to acquire that power, but because the average man +cannot at once exercise that potent influence over others which he did, +it does not follow that we are unable to understand the secret of Burr's +success, nor is it evident that other men cannot acquire something of +this power by thinking it worth while to do so. + +It would not be safe to say that all men can be equally successful, try +as they will, in inspiring in others "happy feelings of a high degree of +intensity," for nature has not been impartial in bestowing equally upon +all the gifts of adaptation and expression. + +There are a few persons so constituted by temperament and mental +organism that they exercise a depressing influence over their +associates. They have a negative, flabby spirit that seems to operate, +speaking figuratively, much as a wet shoe does upon one who is compelled +to wear it. They draw upon the nervous strength and exhaust the patience +of those who are compelled to be much in their company. But there are +not many of this type. Most of us could make far more progress in +acquiring social graces and in the art of pleasing than we do. + +Let us now consider some of the particular qualities which render a man +pleasing to the opposite sex. + +Of course different types of men please different women. Some women care +little for the moral element in men. They do not admire them for their +goodness or nobility of character, but rather for their manners and +their ability to flatter and say pleasing things. Some women are +fascinated by mere brute strength, but they are not many. Rank, wealth, +and social position are very attractive to some, but these things do not +make the man himself more attractive to the true woman. + +While a girl is young, she may go into raptures over "a cameo profile, a +Burnes-Jones head of hair, or a pre-Raphaelite languor and pallor," but +these things are bound to pall, and become absolutely distasteful. Some +even admire downright wickedness in men, and these are the women who +send delicacies to murderers in prison, and overwhelm them with +bouquets. But, fortunately, these types represent but a small fraction +of the fair sex, and this chapter has to do only with the great +majority; the intelligent, moral, cultured women of the land. What +qualities in men are most attractive to them? + +Physical beauty is always attractive in either sex, yet the handsome man +has the advantage of his plainer rival only in this--he is able to draw +attention to himself at once. He must, however, have something more to +hold that attention. He may be physically an Apollo, but if he be +ill-mannered, dull or ignorant, he will stand no chance beside the man +skilled in the artful polished ways of what is called society, who is +master of that grace of manner and flexibility of speech which more than +wealth, reputation, or personal attractiveness, win their way with +women. + +It has been proven, again and again, that even ugliness of face and form +is not, by any means, a bar to popularity with women, and while we are +often amazed at the choice which brilliant, beautiful women sometimes +make from a crowd of admirers, at the bottom of every apparent fantastic +selection, there is a solid, and, usually, a sensible reason. + +Ernest Renan was certainly not handsome. He was exceedingly corpulent, +his complexion was said to resemble nothing else so closely as tallow. +He had claw-shaped hands, bushy gray eyebrows, and thin gray hair, yet +wherever he went into society he was sure to be the center of an +admiring group of women. He was not fascinating by reason of his +ugliness, but in spite of it. There was enough in the subtle charm of +his manner, and the melodious flow of his conversation, to make up for +all outward deficiencies. + +Liszt was not a handsome man--quite the contrary; yet probably no other +man ever lived who exercised a more magnetic and potent influence over +women. Even when he had become gaunt and old, his eyes dim, his blonde +hair snow-white, his spare, lean figure wrapped in a black, priestly +gown, he was followed about by a train of fair admirers. + +Chauteaubriand could charm at eighty-four, the Abbe Liszt at +seventy-five, and Aaron Burr--who was by no means handsome--had at +seventy a charm of manner that was irresistible. + +The fact is, one cannot recall half a dozen very talented men who were +admired for their personal beauty. Pope was very plain; Dr. Johnson was +no better; Mirabeau was "the ugliest man in France," and yet he was the +greatest favorite with the fair sex. + +These examples are not cited to prove that women do not care for +physical beauty in men. On the contrary, that is a very strong +attraction, but not the most powerful factor in holding them. Women more +frequently prize men for their sterling qualities of mind than men do +women. A perfection of physical beauty rarely associates itself with +great mental ability in either sex, but still there have been some +notable exceptions, especially among women, and every pretty woman who +reads this may consider herself one of these exceptions. + +As a general thing, the man who pleases is the man who understands. It +does not matter much to a woman whether a man has great and brilliant +thoughts of his own, if he comprehends her wishes and her feelings, as +well as her thoughts. He should, if he desires to please, make a careful +study of that mysterious and complex thing--a woman's nature. He must +understand that it is of a finer fibre than his own; that it is +sensitive and easily hurt. He should have sentiment, but not be a +sentimentalist. He will be wise, indeed, if he can skilfully draw the +line between the two things. "Sentiment is divine: sentimentalism +absurd." He should be able to say much in little and he must not be a +chatterer. A woman who talks too much becomes tiresome; a man who is an +aimless talker is an intolerable bore to both sexes. + +Few men understand a woman. They do not look at things from her point of +view, and, therefore, do not realize to what extent civilized life has +permitted her to assume that convention of manner and those civilities +of speech which are in some harmless degree hypocritical. It could not +be otherwise. Her ideal of a man is a very high one, but she rarely +meets him, and so she accepts the one who comes nearest to her ideal and +makes the most of the situation. She would that he were different, but a +woman can love in spite of very many things. Usually she is obliged to +if to love at all. She is much cleverer at love-making than a man. "She +is an artist where he is a crude workman, and she does not go through a +love scene without realizing how much better she could have done it if +the title role had been given to her." + +If she is a woman of sensibility, she is shocked by a hundred +disagreeable habits which many men think justifiable. She is repelled by +awkwardness of manner, coarse modes of speech, by carelessness of person +and dress, and yet, for all that, she loves. + +The lover who is most successful in retaining the affection of a +sweetheart or a wife is the one who expresses over and over again the +love and the tenderness he feels. Women, more than men, like to hear +things talked about. They are far more wide-awake to the value of +trifles, and more sensitive to changes of mood. They are given to saying +in many ways, with delicate variations, what a man is satisfied to state +once for all, even to state badly. + +A man will believe in a woman's love and be satisfied with far fewer +visible tokens of it than are necessary to confirm his tenderness and +keep her convinced of it. + +The truth is that a man's power of pleasing does not depend upon some +occult quality of which no account can be given, but upon the degree in +which he holds certain attractive qualities--innate or acquired. We have +no difficulty in understanding any single one of these qualities, yet +when a man possesses such a combination of them as to entitle him to the +term "fascinating" we pronounce it incomprehensible, and fall back upon +that vague term, "personal magnetism." + +The personal elements which are most conducive to our influence over +others are, in a broad way: good manners, a pleasing voice, the ability +to converse well, personal neatness, taste in dress, tact, good morals, +culture and refinement, physical beauty, and intellectual force. We are +pleasing or offensive just in proportion to our possession of these very +desirable characteristics, and, possibly, what we term "personal +magnetism" is simply the result of a well-balanced development of some, +or all, of these enviable characteristics. + + + + +THE WOMAN WHO CHARMS. + + _Look on this woman. There is not beauty, not brilliant sayings, + nor distinguished power to serve you; but all see her gladly; her + whole air and impression are healthful. Manners require time, as + nothing is more vulgar than haste._ + EMERSON. + + _Possessed with such a gentle, sovereign grace, + With such enchanting presence and discourse._ + COMEDY OF ERRORS. + + _She's a most exquisite lady._ + OTHELLO. + + +Is it the handsome woman? Yes, sometimes, but not always. Beauty is +always attractive, but the handsome woman has the same advantage only +that the handsome man possesses--she draws attention to herself at once. +If she has nothing but her beauty to rely upon, she does not hold the +attention. + +It was Balzac who reminded us of the fact that nearly all of the most +celebrated attachments in history were inspired by women in whom there +were noticeable physical defects. Mme. de Pompadour, Joanna of Naples, +Cleopatra, La Valliere--in fact, almost all the women whom a romantic +love has invested with a halo of interest--were not without +imperfections and even infirmities, while nearly all the women whose +beauty is described to us as perfect, have been finally unhappy in their +loves. + +"Perhaps," says Balzac, "men live by sentiment more than by pleasure. +Perhaps the charm, wholly physical, of a beautiful woman has its bounds, +while the charm, essentially moral, of a woman of moderate beauty may be +infinite." + +Whether this be true or not, women surely overestimate the influence of +mere physical beauty to attract and hold men. Madame de Stael, whose +dominion over the hearts of all those with whom she came in contact is +well known, declared that she would gladly give up all her gifts of +person, and all her learning, if she could receive beauty in exchange. +It was fortunate for her that her wish was not granted, for, had it +been, probably she would have found her kingdom slipping away. While +she did not have a beautiful face, she possessed physical +characteristics and personal traits which rendered her absolutely +fascinating. + +To a sensible man nothing is quite so insipid as a vain, brainless, +tactless beauty, whose opinions are but echoes, and who imagines that +her beauty alone will hold him chained to her chariot. + +Beauty holds for a time, but after a man's eyes are satisfied, he must +be entertained, and the plain girl who possesses brains and tact need +have no fear of her more beautiful rival. Modern research has proved +that not Sappho, not Aspasia, nor even Cleopatra were women who would +have attracted any special attention by reason of their physical beauty. +Their highest charm was intellectual--the possession of an "immensity to +give," as Plutarch expresses it, in the way of grace and accomplishment. + +The idea that plain girls are allowed to run to waste as "unappropriated +blessings," is not supported by evidence, for we are constantly meeting +wives far plainer than the majority of the unmarried women of our +acquaintance; and it frequently happens that a man who has a wife +physically beautiful, becomes enamored of an exceedingly plain woman who +possesses a certain quality of congeniality, some trait of adaptability +which he misses in his partner. + +Says a writer in _Lippincott's_: "It is safe to make the broad +generalization that a homely girl, all other things being equal, is +likely to have fewer offers than a pretty girl, but quite as likely to +receive the one offer which will make her a happy wife. But all other +things (save the gift of beauty) seldom are equal between the homely and +the pretty girl; by the natural law of compensation, the homely girl has +either some inherent or some acquired ability that is lacking in the +other, which asserts its charm as acquaintance progresses. Beauty only +has the start in the race." + +It frequently happens that the beauty makes the mistake of expecting to +be entertained by her admirers, and does not exert herself to please. +The plain girl, however, is often superior in tact, for being obliged to +study human nature closely in order to get the most out of +companionship, she learns to depend upon this knowledge in her efforts +to please. She is not dazzled by admiration, nor is she unduly confident +when she obtains it that she will retain it. + +Mme. Hading, who is a strikingly handsome woman, and, therefore, can +discuss beauty without falling under suspicion, once said: + +"A woman is very unfortunate who has nothing but beauty to insure her +success. There are other things superior to beauty. Taste, good taste, +brains, tact, health, those are the things a woman must have to hold +people. And then there are good manners--so rare and yet so easily +cultivated. To be refined, to be gentle, to be amiable, to be charitable +in thought and in speech, to be intelligent, is to be charming, in spite +of an unattractive body and an ugly face. To be well born is, indeed, to +be blessed, but to rise above low birth is sublime. The greatest painter +of the age could make only a caricature of a face for the Empress +Josephine, and yet the sweetness of her smile and the charm of her +pleasing and gracious ways immortalized her name. There are other ends +to happiness than mere wealth; there are sweeter things in a woman's +face than beauty." + +Again, the woman who charms is not necessarily young. History is full of +accounts of women who have been fascinating when beyond middle life. The +truest and strongest love is not always inspired by the beauty of +twenty. The enthusiasm over sweet sixteen is not supported by the old +experience which teaches that the highest beauty is not found in +immaturity. Louis XIV. wedded Mme. Maintenon when she was forty-three +years old. Catherine II. of Russia was thirty-three when she seized the +Empire of Russia and captivated the dashing young Gen. Orloff. Even up +to the time of her death--at sixty-seven--she seemed to have retained +the same bewitching power, for the lamentations were heartfelt among all +those who had ever known her personally. + +Cleopatra was considerably over thirty when Antony fell under her spell, +which never lessened until her death, nearly ten years later. + +Livia was thirty-three when she won the heart of Augustus, over whom she +maintained her ascendancy until the last. Aspasia did not wed Pericles +until she was thirty-seven, and for more than thirty years after that +she was regarded as one of the most fascinating women of her time. Ninon +de l'Enclos, the most celebrated wit of her day, was the idol of three +generations of the golden youth of France, and she was seventy-two when +the Abbe de Berais fell in love with her. + +Helen of Troy, the celebrated Greek beauty, was over forty-five when she +took part in the most famous elopement in history; and as the siege of +Troy lasted ten years, she must have been at least fifty-five when the +ill-fortune of Paris restored her to her husband, who is reported to +have received her with unquestioned love and gratitude. Mlle. Mars, the +celebrated actress, was most attractive at forty-five, and Mme. Recamier +was at the zenith of her good looks and of her power to please when +between thirty-five and fifty-five. Diana de Poitiers was over +thirty-six when Henry II., then Duke of Orleans, and just half her age, +became attached to her, and she was regarded as the first lady and the +most beautiful woman at court up to the time of the monarch's death and +the accession to power of Catherine de Medici. + +The common idea that the mature beauty of forty is less fascinating than +that of the girl of seventeen or eighteen is without foundation. By +beauty is not meant merely well-formed features and a fresh +complexion--these things even dolls possess. In spite of the rosy, fresh +complexion bestowed upon youth by nature, a woman's best and richest age +is really between thirty-five and forty-five, and sometimes considerably +beyond that period. + +No one would dare say how old Madame Patti is. Everyone who meets her +exclaims at her marvellous youthfulness and vivacity. Patti's +explanation of her bright eyes, smooth skin and happy expression is +given in a few words: "I have kept my temper. No woman can remain young +who often loses her temper." + +As a woman grows older, she ought to become more attractive in certain +ways than she could be in her youth. One of the most needful things for +attaining this result is good health. Fine muscles, a healthy, glowing +skin, eyes bright with energy and ambition--these make a valuable +foundation for the woman who would be attractive. The woman who, at a +certain age, considers herself _passe_, commits a great error. If she so +regards herself; if she believes she has passed the time when she can be +interesting, others are quite likely to find her unattractive. Surely a +woman should be more interesting after she leaves the period of +girlhood. She ought to be able to converse better, she should possess +more wisdom, greater tact, broader knowledge of human nature; and she +should have more repose, more grace of manner. Indeed, she should have +all her accomplishments well in hand, and be more facile in their use +for the pleasure of others; and she will be able to use them to better +advantage if she has cultivated placidity of temper, human sympathy and +generosity, and is not careless of her personal appearance. It +frequently happens that women who have reached middle life neglect many +of the aids to physical beauty which they once carefully followed. They +are careless about dress, and grow to esteem it excusable to dispense +with those simple and necessary accessories of the toilet which formerly +helped to make them so exquisitely fresh and dainty. They grow +accustomed to think that untidiness must necessarily be associated with +drudgery. But in these days it is becoming more possible to carry the +element of refinement and beauty with us everywhere. + +Many women could seem much finer, more delicate than they appear, if +they were not accustomed to think that a certain homeliness, and even +negligence of attire is quite excusable, and, indeed, almost inseparable +from common work-a-day life. As we grow older, it becomes more necessary +that we use care in always presenting that appearance of personal +neatness which never fails to be attractive to those with whom we come +in contact. + +One of the strongest elements a woman can possess to attract the other +sex is a sympathetic interest in a man's work. This was what attracted +Dr. Schliemann, the famous Greek scholar and explorer, to the young +woman whom he married. She was familiar with the Iliad and the Odyssey, +and was an enthusiast upon the subject of uncovering the ancient cities +of Homer. + +Men like to have women interested in the things in which they themselves +are interested. + +One who has read Richard Harding Davis' "Soldiers of Fortune" may +remember that Clay grew very fond of Miss Langham. His first +disappointment in her came to him when he discovered her lack of +interest in his work of opening up the iron mines in South America. Miss +Langham's younger sister, Hope, was, on the other hand, extremely +interested in the mines, made an exhaustive study of the methods of +mining, and when she, with the other members of the family, visited the +scene of Clay's engineering operations, it was she who drew Clay's +attention to herself by intelligent questions and suggestive remarks. He +was delighted with her, admired her, fell in love with her, and then +married her. That day at the mines was the beginning of the end of the +old love, and the awakening of the new. + +To interest men a woman should, by reading the papers, acquire, and be +able to express, a reasonably clear idea of what is happening in the +world. She should ascertain what is of special interest to the +particular man she wishes to attract, and, whether the subject be +politics, business, out-door sports, art, science, or literature, she +should be able to contribute something in a conversation upon that +subject more interesting than a mere yes or no. + +As it is the manly man who wins and satisfies a good woman, so it is the +womanly woman who pleases and retains the regard of the estimable man. + +Men like the womanly woman. She need not be soft or silly, weak or +nervous; she may be strong, vigorous, resolute, and brave. A man has +little sympathy for the girl who imitates men either in dress, manner +or conversation. If a womanly man is not pleasing to either sex, what +shall we say of a manlike woman! + +He thoroughly expresses the writer's view who said: "A perfect woman may +be adorable; a woman who is perfect would be beyond endurance." Yet, +however irreligious a man may be himself, he always dislikes irreverence +in a woman. He wishes and expects his wife to be better than he is, and, +generally, she is. + +Men do not like the over-dressed woman--the one who goes to the extreme +of a fashion and a little further. He does not care for costliness of +apparel, but he is always attracted by freshness and daintiness. + +A sense of humor is a valuable gift in a woman who wishes to please. Men +like the girl who sees the funny side of a thing; who can make them +laugh; who can be witty without being sarcastic; who can jest and not be +malicious; who can relate humorous experiences without saying things +calculated to make others uncomfortable. + +A man likes a woman who entertains and amuses him. Young girls often +express surprise that one of their number is so popular among men. They +know she is not so pretty as dozens of other girls. She is not dressed +so richly as they are, yet, at a party, she will have half a dozen +young men about her while they are neglected and alone. She must, they +conclude, have that indefinable quality of magnetism, and that is all +that can be said about it, and they could not find out the secret if +they tried. But probably there is no secret about it. Although she is +not pretty, and does not possess a vast amount of information, she has +tact, and a quick and electric vivacity of spirit which acts as a breeze +on the sluggish waters, making ripples of pleasure and laughter, and so +produces an exhilarating effect upon all about her. + +Many young men, if diffident or awkward, feel, it may be, a little out +of place. They hardly know what to do or say, but this particular girl +wakes them up, and they find themselves laughing and talking with +astonishing ease. She understands how to make them feel at ease, how to +draw them out, and as they associate with her they become unusually +elated, and it is not at all strange that in every company they look +eagerly for her presence. + +While, judging from the descriptions and representations which we have +of her, Cleopatra was by no means beautiful, there is no mystery about +her fascinating influence over men. + +"She had," said a writer in _The Boston Herald_, "jaded Roman conquerors +to deal with, men sated with every form of mere animal pleasure. There +was no piquancy left in anything; all had palled and staled on their +cloyed palates. But in Cleopatra was evermore something fresh, +unexpected, perfectly original! + +"No wonder the bystanders cried, 'Age cannot wither nor custom stale her +infinite variety.' What had she to fear from the rivalship of mere youth +and beauty so long as her nimble intellect was fertile, like the Nile +floods, in successive harvests, in the one quality her lovers were ready +to lavish kingdoms for, namely, 'infinite variety.'" + +To go back to the definition of personal fascination given in the +preceding chapter, we repeat that it consists "in the power to excite in +another person happy feelings of a high degree of intensity, and to make +that person identify such feelings with the charm and power of the +cherished cause of them." + +There may be such a thing as the "indefinite quality of magnetism" which +draws people to the possessor whether they will or no; but there are +many personalities who are charming because they have willed to be, +because by painstaking perseverance they have acquired those +characteristics which enable them to please and charm all with whom they +come in contact. + + + + +THE ART OF CONVERSATION. + + "_Though conversation, in its better part, + May be esteemed a gift and not an art, + Yet much depends, as in the tiller's toil, + On culture and the sowing of the soil._" + COWPER. + + _In all countries where intelligence is prized, a talent for + conversation ranks high among accomplishments. To clothe the + thoughts in clear and elegant language, and to convey them + impressively to the mind of another, is no common attainment._ + MRS. SIGOURNEY. + + +The man or woman who is an intelligent, tactful conversationalist, +commands one of the most essential elements of a pleasing address. While +all of us may have certain defects which we cannot wholly overcome, +however earnestly we may try, we can, if we will, re-form our +conversation. We can so train ourselves that good nature, +considerateness and benevolence will always have a place in our +intercourse with others. We can, if we will, use good English, and we +can avoid the temptation, so common, to talk of persons rather than of +things. Theoretically, we despise gossip; practically, most of us add +our mite to the common fund. We may not be ill-natured, and the sweet +charity that "thinketh no evil" may have a home in our hearts; yet +sometimes, if we are not watchful, it may fall asleep, and bitterness, +or the spirit of spitefulness come creeping stealthily to the surface. + +We can, if we will, be intellectually honest--a kind of honesty which is +indeed rare. The principal reason why arguments and discussions lead to +so must dissatisfaction and ill-feeling on the part of the disputants, +is the lack of this quality. + +Two men are engaged in conversation and a question of religious belief +or of politics is brought to the front. Each takes a side in the +discussion and maintains his opinions to the end. Neither is searching +for the truth, but is eager to defend his side of the question against +the attacks of his opponent. It does not occur to either that anything +else can be the truth except the things he has been taught to believe. +To both, the truth simply takes the form of their own opinions; and +since they are most firmly attached to their opinions, neither ever +questions his own devotion to the truth. Such persons can scarcely be +said to use their minds at all, for their thinking has been done by some +one else. Many a hostess is obliged tactfully to separate aggressively +argumentative and disputatious guests, who have never learned that +others have an equal right to their own opinions, and that not every +dinner party is the proper occasion to plunge into heated argument in +the hope of changing another's views. + +Again, we can all avoid the habit of exaggeration--a fault which does +not get itself called by the name of "falsehood," but which is in +dangerously close proximity to it. A man hears something, true enough in +its original shape, but he passes it on with a little addition of his +own. The one to whom he tells it adds his touch of exaggeration, until, +at last, the statement is so swollen and distorted as to convey anything +but the real truth. It would be difficult to charge any one with +deliberate prevarication. The result is a sort of accumulative lie, made +by successive individual contributions of little dashes of exaggeration. +Thousands who would never be guilty of inventing an entire story +derogatory to the reputation of another, are constantly contributing to +the formation of these accumulative falsehoods, which are quite as evil +in their results as though conceived and concocted by one person. + +We can put into requisition a nice sense of honor in our conversation. +In a hundred different ways this most fitting attribute of the true +woman and the real gentleman is often put to the test. We can remember +that it is quite as easy to be ill-mannered in speech as in conduct. + +There are men and women who, at a dinner, would not under any +circumstances, transgress the rules of table etiquette, but who may +offend quite as grossly by a thoughtless or an intemperate use of words. +They may not dispense with the fork, but they wound the heart by unkind +words. They may observe all the amenities from oyster-fork to +finger-bowl, yet they offend some member of the company by sarcasm or +personal innuendo. They may not misplace or misuse the napkin, but they +may render the entire company uncomfortable by declining to yield, in +argument, to the greater weight of evidence; or by overloading a story +with unimportant details. They may be scrupulously neat, and of easy and +graceful deportment, but may never have learned the gentle art of +keeping one's temper sweet when criticised or when confronted by a +contradiction. + +These very suggestive words appeared in "The Churchman": "It is almost a +definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts +pain. The true gentleman carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a +jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast. He has his eyes on all +his company; he is tender toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, +and merciful toward the absurd. He avoids unreasonable allusions on +topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and +never wearisome. Another delightful trait in him is that he makes light +of favors when he bestows them, and seems to be receiving when he is +conferring. He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never +defends himself by a mere retort. He has no ears for slander or gossip; +is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and +interprets everything for the best. He is never mean or small in his +disputes, never insinuates evil which he dare not say out. He has too +much good sense to be affronted at insults, and is too well employed to +remember injuries. He may be right or wrong in his opinions, but he is +too clear-headed to be unjust. He is as simple as he is forcible, and as +brief as he is decisive." + +The entertaining talker is not, of necessity, a great talker; he is +often a good listener. He understands that a bright story, briefly told, +will amuse, but that people are bored by a long story, filled with +pointless details. He is not necessarily learned or profound. He +understands that small change is of as much importance in social +intercourse as it is between men in business. "Although deprecated by +some wise people as vain and frivolous," says _Zion's Herald_, "small +talk has a legitimate function in human intercourse. It is the small +coin of conversation. Those who despise its use often get on as badly in +social life as would the merchant who should exclude the dimes and +quarters from his money-drawer. Without them, the wheels of trade would +be blocked. An honest old copper penny will often turn the corner of a +good bargain. Chit-chat gives ease to conversation. The strait-jacket is +removed; the mental forces have full play; the man acts himself; and the +communication of soul with soul becomes free and delightful. With small +talk he is familiar, and can toss it about as a juggler does his cards. +The philosopher with his learned and exact phrases at once deadens the +flow of soul." + +Men and women are not strictly original. The things we say to-day have +been said just as well a thousand times before; but that forms no reason +why we should not say them again. The coins in your purse have been +through a hundred hands and are not the less useful in serving you +again. + +The fellowship enjoyed rather than the store of wisdom communicated, is +the end of conversation. Whether they say anything of importance or not, +we like to hear some persons talk; they inspire us and set our own +mental machinery in motion. Small talk often brings us most readily in +contact with another soul. + +All good conversationalists know the use of small talk. To be sure, they +know something more, something larger and better, but the chinks in the +larger subject are filled in wonderfully by a familiar interpolation of +the smaller things in a chatty way. Many a wise and learned man would be +a better talker if he had at hand a supply of small coin. He can talk +extremely well on serious and recondite subjects, but the quick jest and +easy repartee of the parlor and the dining-room are beyond him. He is, +in spite of his learned lore, at a disadvantage in society, where there +is no time for homilies or for treatises on erudite topics. Persons less +gifted chat and laugh and have a good time while he sits in gloomy +silence. Those who would please and be pleased in social intercourse +must carry with them and be ready to dispense the small change of light +and witty conversation. + +To be popular in society, find out whether your companion prefers to +talk or listen; avoid personalities; endeavor to lead the conversation +to subjects familiar and interesting to others rather than especially +pleasing to yourself; never indulge in sarcasm; be good-natured and +sympathetic; strive to be tactful; exchange small courtesies; talk to +all with equal attention and interest, and whatever the topic of +conversation, or wherever you may be, appear cheerfully contented. +Acquire, and then exhibit, that adaptability to place and people which +conduces ever to grateful and pleasing companionship. + +William Mathews writes in _Success_: "Conversation rules the destiny of +the state and of the individual; from diplomacy, which is essentially +the art of conversing skilfully on political themes, down to the daily +transactions of the mart and the exchange, its empire is evident to all. + +"Such being the potency and importance of conversation, why is so little +attention given to its culture to-day? Why is it that so many educated +men, who are fastidious regarding their personal appearance, and bestow +upon their bodies the most solicitous care, are yet willing to send +their minds abroad in a state of slovenliness, regardless of the +impression they make?" + + + + +GOOD ENGLISH. + + _We should be as careful of our words as of our actions._ + CICERO. + + +An accomplishment, in its accepted meaning, is "something acquired which +perfects or makes complete; an attainment which tends to equip in +character, manner, or person, and which gives pleasure to others." + +Surely, then, the man or woman who desires to please cannot possess too +many accomplishments; and, accepting the definition just given, is there +any other accomplishment of greater importance than facility in speaking +and writing one's native language with ease and with elegance? Is there +any other single test of culture so conclusive as this? Is it not the +matter, and, particularly, the method of one's speech more than anything +else which impresses the person whom we meet for the first time, either +favorably or unfavorably in regard to our acquirements? We may have but +few opportunities during a lifetime to display our knowledge of +geometry, algebra or astronomy; we may be for weeks in the company of +other people without giving them an opportunity to suspect that we +possess any knowledge of Latin or Greek, but as long as we live, and +every day we live, we are giving evidences of facility or awkwardness in +the use of our mother tongue. + +How much time is wasted in practicing upon unresponsive musical +instruments--unresponsive because not touched by sympathetic fingers! +How much time is spent in acquiring a slight knowledge of French and +German, which results, generally, in an ability to use a few simple +phrases, and to translate easy sentences with the aid of a dictionary! +How many young women, with no artistic ability whatever, spend weeks and +months under the instruction of teachers in vain attempts to produce +something in oil or in water-color worthy to be called a picture! How +much more to the advantage of these young women would it be if a part of +this time were spent in acquiring a better understanding of the use of +English! + +The writer once knew a girl who, after playing a selection upon the +piano, left the room and burst into tears because she had been guilty of +a slight blunder in her execution--a blunder not noticed by two of the +twenty persons assembled in the parlor. This same girl, however, +exhibited, habitually, a carelessness in pronunciation, and an +ignorance of English grammar of which she should have been heartily +ashamed, and which caused far more annoyance to her friends than her +blunders in music. + +Boys and girls should be trained to feel that it is as discreditable to +them to confound the parts of speech in conversation, as it is to make +discords in music, or to finish a picture out of drawing, or to be +guilty of some inadvertence of manner. They should be made to feel that +proficiency in music, French, German, or painting, or any other +accomplishment, so-called, will not compensate for slovenliness of +diction. + +In addressing a girl's school, Bishop Huntington once said: "Probably +there is not an instrument in common use, from a pencil to a piano, +which is used so imperfectly as language. If you will let me be plain, I +suspect that it would be safe to offer a gold medal as a prize to any +young lady here who will not, before to-morrow night, utter some +sentence that cannot be parsed; will put no singulars and plurals in +forbidden connections; will drop no particles, double no negatives, mix +no metaphors, tangle no parentheses; begin no statement two or three +times over without finishing it; and not once construct a proposition +after this manner: + +"When a person talks like that, they ought to be ashamed of it.'" + +These are frank statements to address to a class of young ladies; but +the Bishop's implication would hold with equal truth not only in the +case in point, but also with a large number of the high schools, +seminaries and colleges of this country. Surely such a charge against +the other practical branches of study could not be made and sustained. + +When James Russell Lowell said: "We are the most common-schooled and the +least educated people in the world," he might have added that the +statement was especially applicable to our habits of using or abusing +our mother tongue. + +This general indifference to good English is not, in most instances, the +result of a lack of knowledge, for time enough is devoted to the study +of technical grammar in almost all schools, to enable the pupil to +become thoroughly acquainted with the principles which govern the use of +our language. + +It is because many persons, not having acquired the habit of correct +speech, do not think to apply the rules of grammar in conversation. Were +children accustomed from infancy to hear only correct English, there +would be but little need to memorize arbitrary rules of grammar, for +they would, from habit, speak and write correctly. Thus it is that the +children of educated parents are generally so easy and graceful in their +conversation, contrasted with the children of the uneducated. Our +language, like our manners, is caught from those with whom we associate. + +Several other nations are far in advance of our own in the thoroughness +with which their youth are drilled in the use of language. + +In France, a knowledge of the French language, spoken and written, is +regarded as of special importance. In all entrance examinations, or +examinations for promotion or graduation, the pupil's knowledge of his +native tongue is first determined; and no promotions are allowed, and no +diplomas granted, if the student is notably deficient in this regard, +even though his knowledge of the other required branches should prove to +be all that could be desired. We have not so high a standard in the +United States. It has been but a few years since a definite knowledge of +English was added to the requirements for admission to American +colleges, and even now it has not, in any of our educational +institutions, the relative weight in determining examinations which +French and German have in the systems of those countries. While great +improvement has been made in teaching English, and while better methods +are employed than formerly, it is still safe to say that in no other +branch of study, pursued with equal diligence, are the results so +unsatisfactory. + +Surely in no other way do we so clearly show the degree of our culture +and refinement as by our every-day conversation. Is it not important, +then, that we devote our efforts seriously, and with infinite patience, +if necessary, to mastering a matter so essential? + +The selection of good English does not necessarily imply either a +stilted monotony of speech, or a tiresome affectation. It is simply +elegance and naturalness. There is no reason why any person, however +humble his station in life, should not hope to speak his native language +correctly. It is an accomplishment which is not expensive. In its +acquirement one does not require high-priced teachers. It demands only +care and attention. Be critical of yourself. Watch your sentences. Get +your companions to correct your slips of the tongue. Say over correctly +the troublesome sentence until the mistake becomes impossible. Listening +to well educated persons and reading the best literature are both of +great assistance in this direction, especially if we offer to both the +sincere flattery of imitation. Our literature teems with masterpieces of +style. To read them consistently is to imbibe a certain facility of +diction. + +There are many persons who, while they do not violate the rules of +technical grammar, habitually indulge in slang, hyperbole, and in many +"weeds of speech" which should be pulled up promptly and cast aside. A +great many boys and girls, and even some older persons, imagine that the +use of slang lends piquancy and force to their conversation. Slang is +always an element of weakness. It is bad enough in a man, but in women +it is far more questionable. It is not the expression of the refined. To +the cultivated taste it is discordant. + +Another fault prevalent among girls is the habit of hyperbole. +Perfectly, awfully, nice, and splendid, are the four most overworked +words, and awfully is the most abused of them all. It is strange, the +hold this word has secured in the vocabulary of girls who, in almost all +other respects, are considerate in their use of English. Persons are +called awfully good, awfully bad, awfully clever, awfully stupid, +awfully nice, awfully jolly and awfully kind. It is made to do duty on +all occasions and under all circumstances, as though it were the only +adverb admissible in good society. Among adjectives, splendid easily +ranks as the most popular. To many, everything is splendid, whether it +is a flower, a sunset, a dinner, a football game, a friend, a sermon, or +a book. Then we are continually hearing that certain things are +_perfectly_ splendid, _perfectly_ lovely, _perfectly_ hateful, +_perfectly_ glorious, _perfectly_ magnificent and _perfectly_ sweet. How +word-stricken society would do without these expressions it is difficult +to determine, yet certain it is that the woman who deals recklessly in +superlatives demonstrates forthwith that her judgment is dominated by +her impulses, that her opinions are of doubtful reliability, and her +criticisms valueless. + +In a recent number of one of the popular magazines Prof. Brander +Matthews has an article on the prevailing indifference in regard to the +proper use of words. The points which he emphasizes are these: + +The gentleman is never indifferent, never reckless in his language. The +sloven in speech is quite as offensive as a sloven in manner and dress. +The neat turning of a phrase is as agreeable to the ear as neatness of +person is to the refined taste. A man should choose his words at least +as carefully as he chooses his clothing; even a hint of the dandy is not +objectionable, if it be but a hint. It is even better to go to the +extreme of fastidiousness than to indulge the opposite extreme of +negligence. + +The art of writing letters is but another phase of the same matter. +Indeed it is but conversation carried on with the pen, when distance or +circumstances prevent the easier method of exchanging ideas by spoken +words. It is an art which should be faithfully cultivated by those who +desire to please. In social life, in business, in almost every other +circumstance of life, we find our pen called into requisition. Yet while +it is an almost indispensable accomplishment, it is one which is +pitifully neglected. The art of letter-writing is becoming obsolete; +that is, the art of writing such letters as enriched the epistolary +literature of a former generation. This is unfortunate, as there is +nothing that will so stimulate thought, and bring into activity, +practical, every-day niceties of phrase as the exercise of this art. +Constant drill in letter-writing will tend to take from one's vocabulary +words which have no place there, and will accomplish quite as much as +any other means to broaden, beautify, and to refine the language at our +command, as well as to train the mind to exact habits of thinking. A +further important consideration is the charm which "a gem of a letter" +has for the delighted recipient. + +The indispensable requisites of a good letter are neatness of +chirography, simplicity, and grammatical correctness. Defects in any one +of these particulars are scarcely pardonable. We cannot all be pretty +writers, but we can all write legibly and give to the page the +appearance of neatness. Scribbling is inexcusable. + +"A scribbled page points to a scribbling mind, while clear, legible +handwriting is not only an indication of clear thinking, but a means and +promoter of accurate thought. Indeed, simply as a business proposition, +one cannot afford to become a slovenly penman." + +"And who," says _The Philadelphia Record_, "does not know the charm of a +gracefully worded, legibly written letter, with its wide margins, its +clear, black ink and dainty stationery? An art, indeed, is the writing +of such a missive; an art which it behooves every woman to cultivate. +A hastily written line betraying signs of carelessness, and scrawled +on an indifferent sheet of paper is a poor compliment, indeed, to the +receiver, and elicits anything but flattering comments upon the writer." + +Careless speech is quite bad enough, but the charm of the speaker may be +so great as to disarm criticism. The letter, however, the written word, +stands on its own merits; "what is writ is writ." There is no graceful +vivacity to plead for the writer; no coquetry of manner to distract the +glance of the reader from the errors coldly set forth in black and +white. Observe, then, the utmost care in inditing an epistle, whether to +a friend or foe or to a lover. Never send forth a letter in undress, so +to speak, scarcely more than you would present yourself _en dishabille_ +before your most formal acquaintances. The one is almost as flagrant as +the other. + + + + +TACT IN CONVERSATION. + + _"Ask only the well about their health."_ + + _Discretion in speech is more than eloquence._ + BACON. + + _Brilliancy in conversation is to the company what a lighted + candle is to a dark room--it lightens the whole of it. But every + now and then some unskilful person, in attempting to clip the + wick to make it brighter, snuffs it out._ + JAMES C. BEEKS. + + +Seldom does there occur in society any lapse so astonishing as the +uncomfortable remarks innocently made by men and women to each other. +Some persons who are careful and considerate in other respects, seem to +have a woeful lack of that quality which we call tact. They wish to be +pleasing; they would not for the world intentionally say or do anything +to injure or wound the sensitiveness of a friend; yet they are +continually saying those "things that would better have been left +unsaid." + +_Harper's Bazar_ mentions some of these speeches which have no excuse +for being. + +"What a dear little fellow that is!" said a caller to the mother of a +three-year-old. + +"He is a great comfort to us," replied the mother, stroking the child's +long curls. + +"Yes; I should think so. He is not pretty, is he? His hair is so +beautiful now that at the first glance one would call him pretty. But if +you imagine how he will look when those golden curls are cut off, you +will see that he will be a very plain child." + +Said another woman to an acquaintance: "Mrs. A., I hope you will pardon +me for saying that I think I never saw a more beautiful piece of lace +than the flounce on the gown that you wore to the Assembly Ball last +week. I said to my husband afterward that if Mr. A. should fail again +and lose everything, as he has done once or twice already, you could +sell that lace and easily get a good price for it." + +The same woman, while making a visit of several weeks, said to her +hostess, as the time of her departure drew near: "I always think that +the nicest thing about making a visit is the returning to one's home. +One's family are always so glad to see one, and there is always great +luxury to me in getting back to my own house, where I can do what I +please, say what I please, and order what I want to eat." + +Again, there are people who seem to think that it is their mission to +puncture every person's infirmity with whom they come in contact. They +study to speak disagreeably. They corner you in the social circle, and +talk about the subject they know to be most disagreeable to you, and +talk in a tone sufficiently loud to be heard by all the other persons in +the room. If you have made a blunder they reveal it. If you have been +unsuccessful in any of your undertakings they are sure to inquire about +it, even to details. They unroll your past and dilate upon your future. +They put you on the rack every time you meet them and there is an +instinctive recoil when you perceive their approach. + +"We all know these persons," says _Zion's Herald_, "the persons who +always utter the unsuitable word, who make themselves generally +disagreeable, who never, apparently, try to make a pleasing impression +upon others, but who delight to sting and wound." + +Are we not all acquainted with the neighbor mentioned in this quotation: +"As a brief and sharp tormentor, as a nail in the boot, a rocker for +the shins on a dark night, or a sharp angle for the ulnar nerve, Mrs. +R----, our neighbor, excels all persons I ever saw. I am quite sure if +she could disturb a corpse by whispering to it that its shroud was +ill-fitting, and the floral gifts were not what had been expected, she +would do it." + +If you are a woman have you not more than once gone out for a walk with +some other woman who is never satisfied with your appearance? + +She gives your gown a pull, saying: "This dress never did fit you; it +isn't at all becoming to you, why didn't you wear your other one?" You +soon begin to feel uncomfortable, and to wish you were at home again. +Your bonnet may be never so becoming, or your new jacket may fit you to +perfection, but she never mentions either. She notices only defects; she +sees all that is disagreeable. Such persons always leave an +uncomfortable feeling behind them when they leave you. + +Sarcasm is not a quality to be cultivated by either sex. Men do not like +it in women. It may be amusing when it is directed against another, but +there is always a lurking fear that it may some time be directed against +one's self. Sarcasm is a rank weed, that, once sprouted, grows and +grows, choking out the little plants of kindness, forethought and +consideration, until it overruns the garden of the mind, dominating and +controlling every thought with a disagreeable, pungent odor that cannot +be eradicated. + +The sarcastic girl is not fascinating, for she is not a pleasing +companion. She is too sharp to be agreeable. She may possess talent +above the average of her acquaintances; she may be able to talk in half +a dozen different languages; she may be as beautiful as a Greek statue; +but men fight shy of her. Sarcasm is not wit, though wit may be +sarcastic. One may be bright and say all manner of clever things without +hurting the feelings of others by keen, knife-edged opinions that are +full of bitterness and teeming with gall. + +The tactful person does not make the mistake of talking too much about +himself. While we are young, at least, we are very interesting to +ourselves, and we are likely to imagine that all the world is interested +in our opinions, prejudices and tastes. But though this may be true of +our dearest friends, it is not true as far as other people are +concerned. + +"Without question," says the _Magnet_, "our conversation must be based +upon what we have experienced in one way or another. But that does not +make it necessary for us to talk continually about ourselves. If we +should examine carefully the things we say to the merest acquaintances, +we would be astonished, oftentimes, to see that we assume an interest +in ourselves which we have no right to expect." People who are ill are +likely to make indiscriminate claims upon sympathy, entertaining +strangers as well as friends with detailed descriptions of their latest +symptoms, and the doctor's latest remedies. Some of us who have not the +excuse of illness, impose on the persons we meet by obliging them to +listen to a great deal of personal information which may be of interest +to ourselves, and possibly to those who love us very dearly, but +scarcely to any one else. + +Several years ago the _Christian Union_ related this incident: The +social occasion was a dinner. One of the guests was a woman who had +passed middle life; good taste, ample means, with womanly grace and +natural refinement, made her an addition to any circle. The hostess of +the occasion was a woman who prided herself on her ability to meet the +requirements of her station. She had no doubt as to her fitness in any +social capacity, but her friends had not the same unquestioning faith in +her tact. + +The gentle guest found to her delight that she was assigned to the care +of the son of an old school friend, and inwardly thanked her hostess for +the consideration and thoughtfulness which made it possible for her to +hear from her friend, whom she had not met in years. The guests were no +sooner seated at the table than the hostess leaned toward the young man, +and, in a voice perfectly audible to the entire company, said: "Never +mind, Bob, I will do better for you next time." + +For one minute there was perfect silence, the lady and her escort alike +appalled by what had been said; but the kindliness of the guest overcame +the embarrassing moment by calling the attention of the young man to the +roses on the table, which, she said to him with a smile, were great +favorites of his mother when she was in school. This broke the ice. The +hostess was perfectly unconscious that she had been guilty of any +rudeness. Her intention was to be particularly polite to the young man; +first to assure him that he would be her guest again, and, secondly, +that she would then have a rosebud to assign to his care. The amusing +part was that the young man greatly admired his mother's friend, and had +frequently been her guest on his visits to the city. + +It is difficult to imagine how a woman could move in society to any +extent and remain capable of such a blunder, and yet we have all passed +through similar experiences at the hands of people whose social +experience should render such tactlessness impossible. There comes to +mind now an imposing woman, who prided herself on the fact that she +always said just what she thought. At a reception, she filled the room +by her manner; it was impossible to continue oblivious of her presence. + +Bowing affably to her acquaintances, she sailed--for women of this type +do not walk--up to a modest little lady whose health, she had heard, was +declining, and in a loud voice exclaimed: "What have you been doing to +yourself? You have aged fifteen years since last I saw you!" Not unkind +by intention, she was but practising her system of saying just what she +thought, and she was constantly urging upon her friends the propriety of +this course; but what an unbearable place our world would be if we all +followed this example of inane and inconsiderate bluntness. + +So the woman who is always finding in you resemblances to some other +person whom she has met, creates many of the uncomfortable experiences +of social life, and when she thinks it interesting to exploit the +character of your prototype, dwelling upon the mental and physical +defects, she becomes unbearable. Yet society has, as yet, found no sure +way to eliminate her. + +Such infelicities are not the outcrop of unkindness so much as of a +certain ineptitude or lack of _savoir faire_. Such people feel +constrained to do their share of the talking, but have not acquired +tactfulness in selecting the topic, nor alertness to avoid the +pitfalls--both of which traits may by sedulous self-training be acquired +by any one in whom, unhappily, they are not innate. + +In one of these instances bad manners were the natural expression of the +woman, because her impulse was selfish; for it is certainly true that a +person of truly unselfish nature will not offend by making personal +remarks. Manners are the expression of the heart, and the man or woman +who lives mentally in kindly, thoughtful relations with fellow men and +women will refrain from expressing the thought which might possibly give +offence. There is no mystery in social grace. It is remembering other +people in their several relations to us. The woman who is a social +success is not the one who has for her purpose in life so much the +desire merely to please, but the one whose desire, rather, is to make +others happy. One is a polite purpose; the other is a fine type of +unselfishness that makes impossible the utterance of unwelcome truths to +the chagrin of anyone encountered in the casual personal contact that we +term society. + +Holmes gave us some good advice when he said: "Don't flatter yourselves +that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your +intimates. On the contrary, the nearer you come into relation with a +person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become." + + + + +THE COMPLIMENT OF ATTENTION. + + _"Were we as eloquent as angels we should please some people more + by listening than by talking."_ + + _"A good listener is as needful to a witty talker as steel to + flint. It is the sharp contact of the two which makes the sparks + fly."_ + + +There are certain amenities attending social intercourse with which we +are all familiar, yet we are constantly forgetting to put them into +practice. In no respect is this forgetfulness more noticeable than in +conversation, and especially in connection with what may be called "the +compliment of attention." + +If you despair of becoming a good talker you can, at least, make +yourself a good listener, and that is something not to be despised. +There are apt to be more good talkers than good listeners, and, although +to say so may sound paradoxical, the better you listen, the greater +will be your reputation as a conversationalist. + +In the opinion of the cynical Rochefoucauld, the reason why so few +persons make themselves agreeable in conversation, is because they are +more concerned about what they are themselves going to say, than what +others are saying to them. + +If you have read "Nicholas Nickleby," you remember Mrs. Nickleby tells +how remarkable Smike was as a converser. She entertained poor Smike for +several hours with a genealogical account of her family, including +biographical sketches, while he sat looking at her and wondering what it +was all about, and whether she learned it from a book or said it from +her own head. + +Said a writer in the _Chicago Herald_: "What is there, indeed, more +colloquial than an intelligent countenance, eagerly intent upon one +while telling a story? What language can be compared to the speaking +blush or flashing eye of an earnest listener? It was Desdemona, with +greedy ear devouring his discourse, who won Othello's heart. He told his +wondrous story, and she listened--that only was the witchcraft he had +used." + +It is said of Sir Walter Scott that, although one of the best talkers in +the world, he was also the best listener. With the same bland look he +would watch, throughout an entire evening, the lips of his garrulous +tormentor ignorantly discoursing on Greek epigrams, or crassly dilating +on the intricacies of a parliamentary debate. + +It was said of Madame Recamier that she listened most winningly, and +this was one secret of her wonderful power to charm. + +We have all heard the story of Madame de Stael, who, by a clever +stratagem, was introduced to a deaf mute at a party. She talked to him +the whole evening, and afterward declared that never before had she met +so intelligent a listener and so fine a conversationalist. + +Do you remember the story told by Sterne in "The Sentimental Journey"? + +He had been represented to a French lady as a great wit and an engaging +converser, and the lady was impatient for an introduction that she might +hear him talk. + +They met, and, writes Sterne: "I had not taken my seat before I saw she +did not care a sou whether I had any wit or no. I was to be convinced +that she had. I call heaven to witness I never once opened the door of +my lips." + +The lady afterward said she never in her life had a more improving +conversation with a man. + +Many other instances might be mentioned derived from both fact and +fiction, to show how attentive listening may enhance the delights of +conversation, and that one may sometimes gain a reputation for +conversational powers by exercising one's ear instead of one's tongue. + +"A frequent caller at my home," said a lady, "is a capital story-teller, +always instructive and pleasing; but she is a poor listener. When my +part of the conversation comes in, her manner is depressing. I feel +embarrassed, my words become tangled, my memory leaves me, and I hurry +to close my remarks, conscious of having made a weak argument, although +I had a point when I began. My friend loses her easy manner when I +speak, becomes restless, and breaks in upon me before I have fairly +begun. Her unresponsive eyes tell me as plainly of her superiority as +though she had written it in black and white." + +Clergymen, teachers, and public speakers understand and appreciate +better than others "the compliment of attention." Embarrassing, indeed, +is it to anyone who is talking to observe signs of weariness and +inattention on the part of one's hearers. Those not accustomed to stand +before an audience seldom realize that a speaker feels and understands, +without conscious endeavor, the attitude toward him of every member of +his audience. The good listener inspires and encourages him, while the +restless, inattentive auditor is a thorn in the flesh, irritating and +distracting. + +At the close of a lecture given a few years ago in a town in Maine, the +lecturer--who was a state superintendent of schools--turned to the +writer and asked: + +"Who are those two ladies dressed in black, standing there by the +window?" + +After telling him their names the writer said, "Why do you ask?" + +The lecturer replied: "They have been of great help to me all the +evening. They are delightful listeners. They appeared to appreciate so +thoroughly everything I said that I seemed to be talking especially for +their benefit." + +"That girl," said a teacher, pointing to an attractive young lady just +leaving the school-room, "is the most restful pupil I ever had in my +school. She is so gentle in her demeanor, so thoughtful and so attentive +during recitations, that one cannot help loving her. No matter how +restless the other members of the school become, she is always giving +the closest attention. If one could have an entire school like her, +teaching would be a delight; but she is one among fifty." + +We gain many things besides the good will of others, by being good +listeners, even though we must sometimes submit to be bored to an +unlimited degree without interrupting the speaker, or responding in any +other way than by "nods and becks and wreathed smiles." + +"Open your mouth and shut your eyes and see what heaven will send you," +says the old maxim; but, "shut your mouth and open your eyes," has been +suggested as much more sensible advice under some circumstances. + +"But," you say, "we are told that Samuel Johnson, Tennyson and Macaulay, +and many other great thinkers, usually monopolized the conversation when +they were in company, and their friends delighted to listen to them. +Surely they gave but little heed to 'the compliment of attention.'" Very +true, but no doubt they would have been sometimes more agreeable to the +company if they had been more considerate of the wishes of other people. +Great men are great in spite of their weaknesses, not because of them. +We can forgive unpleasant propensities in a genius more easily than in +the average mortal, and as almost all of us are average mortals, without +a trace of anything akin to genius, we cannot afford to dispense with +any of those qualities which help to make us pleasing to others. We +should remember that there was but one Macaulay--a man who could talk +brilliantly on almost all subjects--and notwithstanding his brilliancy, +his friends admitted that he was often something of a bore. + +A very useful lesson may be learned from a little story which appeared +some years ago in _The Youth's Companion_: + +George Paul, a young civil engineer, while surveying a railway in the +Pennsylvania hills, met a plain, lovable little country girl, and +married her. After a few weeks he brought her home to his family in New +York, and left her there while he returned to camp. + +Marian had laid many plans to win the affections of her new kinsfolk. +She had practiced diligently at her music; she was sure they would be +pleased to hear her stories of her beautiful sister and her brother; she +imagined their admiration of her new blue silk gown and winter bonnet. +But the Pauls, one and all, were indifferent to her music, her family +and her gowns. They gave "George's wife" a friendly welcome, and then +each went on his or her way, and paid no more attention to her. + +After the first shock of disappointment Marian summoned her courage. + +"If I have nothing to give them, they have much to give me," she +thought, cheerfully. She listened eagerly when Isabel sung, and her +smiles and tears showed how keenly she appreciated the music. She +examined Louisa's paintings every day with unflagging interest, +discussed every effect, and was happy if she could help mix the colors +or prepare the canvas. She questioned grandma about her neuralgia, +advised new remedies, or listened unwearied to the account of old ones +day after day. When Uncle John, just returned from Japan, began to +describe his adventures, Marian was the only auditor who never grew +tired nor interrupted him. + +After a two hours' lecture, in which her part had been that of a dumb, +bright-faced listener, Uncle John declared that George's wife was the +most intelligent woman he had ever met. + +When George came home the whole family was loud in her praises. +She was a fine musician; she had unerring taste in art; she was +charming, witty and lovable. But George soon saw that she had won them +unconsciously--not by displaying her own merits, but by appreciating +theirs. + +This is a true story in fact, but the truth of its meaning is repeated +wherever a woman is found who has that quality called charm. She may be +plain or even deformed, but she will win friendship and love. + +Many an attractive girl would save herself much anxiety and vain effort +on her entrance into the world of society, if she understood that +society, so called, is composed of individuals, the most of whom desire +not to find the beauty, the wit, the talent of others, but to elicit the +cordial recognition by others, of their own. + + + + +THE VOICE. + + _"Tender tones prevent severe truths from offending."_ + + _"There are tones which set commonplace words apart, and give them + lights and deeps of meaning, just as one fine emotion idealizes + and exalts a homely face."_ + + _"There is no power of love so effective as a kind voice. A kind + hand is deaf and dumb. It may be rough in flesh and blood, yet do + the work of a soft heart, and do it with a soft touch. But there + is no one thing that love so much needs as a sweet voice to tell + what it means and feels."_ + + +In our efforts to please, while much depends upon what we say, quite as +much depends upon how we say it. The influence of a pleasing voice is +wonderful; who has not felt its charm? + +It has been said that the greatest defect in the American woman is her +voice, and while this may not be strictly true, there are heard in +conversation at home and abroad many voices more unpleasant than +necessary--more harsh, more rasping. + +A woman's voice may imply good breeding, or the reverse, and in +estimating the power of feminine charms, a pleasing voice should be +placed very near the head of the list. Is it not strange, then, that so +little effort is made to remedy defects in vocal expression? + +We cultivate the voice for singing and for elocutionary effects, but +little is done for the average boy or girl by way of training the voice +for the everyday effect. Only a few can sing well enough to give +pleasure to others, but we all talk every day of our lives, and often +the quality of our voice speaks more significantly than the words we +utter. A sympathetic tone will often win us a friend, though what we say +may be of little importance. Purity of accent plays a great part in the +art of charming, and it has been truly said that "a woman may be ugly, +old, without distinction or instruction, but if she have a soft, +insinuating, mellow-toned voice, she will charm as much as her more +beautiful sister." + +A telephone operator in a place near New York was on a certain Christmas +the recipient of checks for five, ten and a hundred dollars, a diamond +pin, a dress pattern, and eight boxes of confectionery; although she was +known to the donors only by her gentle voice, by the deference of its +tone, by her readiness to accommodate, and by her office number as one +of the operators. + +Why is it that we regard vocal training and oral expression as something +to be confined wholly to the specialists? We think such training is +needed by public speakers and readers, and by all who intend to make a +professional use of the voice, but we do not appreciate its value for +the average man or woman. + +"What should we think," says _Expression_, "of a woman who dresses in +the richest of apparel, who is extremely careful of every point of +dress, but who speaks with a nasal twang and throaty tone, and makes no +effort to correct the fault? We know that this is often the case. Why is +not the inconsistency corrected? Why is there no endeavor to improve the +voice and make it beautiful and winning? What a sensitiveness people +exhibit about going abroad with a smudge on the face; but, alas! there +is little sensitiveness regarding a smudge on one's voice. + +The truth is that voice culture should not be confined to the few, but +should become a prescribed branch of the education of boys and girls +generally. Not alone are the voices of the women too often unmelodious, +but those of the men also need attention. A fine voice may be of +inestimable value to a man. The majority of the celebrated orators have +been aided by the possession of a good voice, along with the knowledge +requisite to enable them to employ it effectively. Mr. Lecky says that +O'Connell's voice, rising with a melodiously modulated swell, filled the +largest auditoriums and triumphed over the wildest tumult, while at the +same time it conveyed every shade of feeling with the most delicate +flexibility. + +Mr. Gladstone's voice is said to have had the musical quality and the +resonance of a silver trumpet; while William Pitt, who was a ruler in +Parliament at the age of twenty-one, possessed a voice of masterful +power yet of a wonderful sweetness. + +Webster's voice, on the occasion of his reply to Senator Dickinson, was +so commanding, so forceful, that one of his listeners said he felt all +the night as if a heavy cannonade had been resounding in his ears. + +Garrick used to say that he would give one hundred guineas if he could +say "Oh" as Whitefield would say it. + +"But," you declare, "nature has not given us voices like the voices of +those celebrated men, and we must be content with what we have." + +While nature may not have bestowed upon us their melodious voices, we +can do much to improve our own. A study of biography will inform us that +many of the most successful speakers, whether actors or orators, have +been men and women possessing some native defect of speech or figure +which they resolutely mastered by patient, persevering application. We +all know of Demosthenes' impediment of speech, and are familiar with the +story of his months of struggle and his final success. + +Savonarola, when he first spoke in the cathedral at Florence, was +considered a failure, on account of his wretched voice and awkward +manner. Phillips Brooks, one of the greatest preachers America has +produced, was told by his college president that the ministry was out of +the question for him because of his nervousness and the defects of his +speech. + +It would be easy to multiply instances to show that the most awkward +body and the roughest voice may be brought under control. In fact, where +the voice is imperfect and the man is obliged to make a determined +effort to master it, he attains by this means, a mental vigor and an +emotional strength and a flexibility of voice and mind, as well as a +command over the body, which render his delivery in the highest degree +effective. + +Again, it is not sufficient that we have naturally a melodious voice; +we must know how, or else learn how, to use it. There must be feeling +and expression in one's tones. If we wish to express cordiality, words +are futile unless the voice sounds the feeling we wish to express. We +need to learn how to modulate the voice so as to make it a true reflex +of the mind and mood. Unless it tells of sincerity, apologies fail to +convince of a contrite spirit. Unless it conveys confidence, +protestations are in vain; yet the very tone of one's voice may allay +bitterness, though one may stumble over the words of an apology. If, +then, one recognizes the fact that his voice is colorless and devoid of +feeling, though his heart be warm, let him at once apply himself to +remedying the defect. + +Listen to your own voice when speaking, and note the harsh, strident +tones, and the imperfect inflection, and correct them. Many girls speak +in a nervous, jerky, rapid way, beginning a sentence and repeating a +portion of it two or three times before completing it. Some speak in +high, shrill tones which are not only displeasing but positively +irritating because discordant. Some speak too fast, while others, going +to the opposite extreme, simply drawl. These are defects which can be +corrected, and, by correcting them we add measurably to our power to +charm. + +If you do not understand the imperfections of your tone productions, or +the faults in your manner of speaking, or if you have trouble in +correcting them, go to one who does know, and who is as sensitive to the +speaking voice as he is to the singing voice. It may cost you something +to do this, but it will be money judiciously expended. You take music +lessons, both vocal and instrumental, and you do not consider the money +expended for such lessons as wasted even though you have no intention of +going upon the stage in opera or of becoming a professional pianist. You +study music as an accomplishment. Why then should you not give some +time, and if need be, a little money for the purpose of perfecting your +speaking voice, if by so doing you can make yourself more agreeable to +others. You may not be called upon very often to sing or play for other +people, but you will talk every day and many times each day, and the +voice is "the agent of the soul's expression." + +"The art of singing," says _The Boston Herald_, "strange to say, does +not include the art of speaking, for some very fine singers have harsh +and unmusical voices in conversation. But with all the training now +given to the rising generation, voice education should be considered. +Take the rasp and the hardness out of your sons' and daughters' speech, +and give them another grace with which to conquer society." + +The importance of what we say and how we say it, has never been more +clearly or pointedly expressed than in this quotation from an American +writer: "A man may look like a monkey and yet turn out to be a +philosopher; a man may dress like a vagabond, and yet have the +intuitions of a scholar and a gentleman. The face, the expression of the +eye, the dress, the manner even, may all be deceptive, but the voice and +speech of men and women classify them infallibly." + + + + +GOOD MANNERS. + + _Life is not so short but that there is always time for + courtesy._ + EMERSON. + + _"Politeness is real kindness kindly expressed. This is the sum + and substance of all true politeness. Put it in practice and all + will be charmed with your manner."_ + + _Young men generally would doubtless be thoroughly astonished + if they could comprehend at a single glance how greatly their + personal happiness, popularity, prosperity, and usefulness + depend on their manners._ + J. G. HOLLAND. + + +In attracting others to us the value of a pleasing manner cannot be +estimated. It is like sunshine. We feel it at once, and we are attracted +to the person who possesses it. + +"Give a boy address and accomplishments," said Emerson, "and you give +him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes; he has not +the trouble of earning or owning them: they solicit him to enter and +possess." + +Much has been written upon this subject. Indeed, so much has been said, +and said so well, that there will be little attempt to do anything else +in this chapter than to bring together some of the best thoughts of the +best authors. + +The men and women who have accomplished great things in the world have, +as a rule, understood the value of politeness, and have acted in +accordance with that knowledge. You can, possibly, recall a very few +exceptions, but these were persons great in spite of their lack of +courtesy, and they would have been even greater had they practiced the +art of gentle manners. + +The Duke of Marlborough, whose general education was in some respects +sadly neglected, had so irresistible a charm of manner that he swayed +the destinies of nations. Mirabeau, who was unattractive in person, won +by his politeness the good will of all with whom he came in contact. +There has been no time in the history of the world when good manners +counted for more than they do at the present time. In fact, to-day more +than ever before a man is dependent for success upon his personality. +Good manners often bring to one many things that wealth cannot procure, +and "politeness has won more victories than powder." + +"No one," says an American writer, "who has any appreciation of grace +and beauty in nature or in art can fail to recognize the charm of fine +manners in an individual. We rejoice in them as we do in a lovely sunset +view, or a beautiful piece of architecture, or a fascinating poem, for +their own sake and for what they express; but even beyond this they have +another attraction in the magnetic power they exert upon all beholders +in setting them at ease, in sweeping away shyness, awkwardness and +restraint, and in stimulating them to the expression of whatever is best +worth cherishing within them." + +It is undoubtedly true that the presence of fine manners, whether it be +in the home or the social circle, in the workshop or the counting-room, +in the visit of charity or the halls of legislation, has an immediate +effect in reproducing itself, in diffusing happiness, in developing the +faculties, and in eliciting the best that is in everybody. + +Surely there is no quality that a girl or a woman can possess which +recommends her more favorably to the good opinion of others than that of +uniform courtesy and good manners. + +William Wirt's letter to his daughter on the "small, sweet courtesies of +life," contains a passage from which a deal of happiness may be +learned. "I want to tell you a secret. The way to make yourself pleasant +to others is to show them attention. The whole world is like the miller +at Mansfield, who cared for nobody--no not he, because nobody cared for +him. And the whole world would serve you so, if you gave them the same +cause. Let everyone, therefore, see that you do care for them by showing +them the small courtesies in which there is no parade, whose voice is +still to please; and which manifest themselves by tender and +affectionate looks, and little acts of attention, giving others the +preference in every little enjoyment at the table, walking, sitting, or +standing." + +Young men who wish to make their way in the world cannot afford to +forget that there is not in all the world a talisman of such potent +magic as the irresistible spell of a charming manner. While in some +cases it seems innate, it can, in a great measure, be acquired. Yet a +careful observer of the young men of the present generation cannot fail +to notice a tendency, on the part of some at least, to disregard the +small courtesies of life--the intangible, yet very perceptible little +things which make the man a gentleman. Some people even contend that +outward manner is a secondary consideration if the head is well stored +with knowledge, and that if a young man has the faculty to get on in +the world, it is a matter of very little importance if he have not the +manners of a Chesterfield. That this idea is prevalent is accounted for +by the great number of well-educated men--men of ability and power--who, +clever and with no lack of brains, are painfully deficient in good +breeding. With no intentional lapses they are awkward, presuming, and +even vulgar. + +"In most countries," says the _Toronto Week_, "an educated man and a +gentleman are almost synonymous terms. On this side of the Atlantic they +by no means always apply to the same man. Educational advantages are +within the reach of all classes of people--even persons who have missed +the benefit of home training for their manners, or who have not numbered +cultured persons among their acquaintances. Such persons by native +ability and hard work often attain to high positions of honor and trust +in the various professions, and win for themselves the title of +'self-made.' + +"Yet because a man by his brains, energy, and pluck carves out his own +fortune, putting himself in a prominent position, is it not very +desirable that he should also cultivate the courtesies of life so that +the talent be not hidden by roughness and uncultivated bearing." + +We frequently meet college students--especially from the smaller +colleges--good, honest, earnest, ambitious fellows, who are working hard +to make their way in the world. They are poor, and have come from homes +where the stern realities of gaining a livelihood have left, apparently, +no time for culture; where the table manners are but little better than +those of the logging camp, and where the graces of refined speech and +manners have never even taken root. They may take never so high a rank +in their college studies, may pursue the work preparatory to a +profession with never so much diligence, yet they will always be +handicapped by their ignorance of those embellishments so necessary to +social, and even business, success. They find themselves continually +placed at a disadvantage, and their lack of social training is +responsible for failures which might have been avoided. + +Because a man is a successful lawyer he is not justified in saying that +he can be his own tailor, or that ill-fitting clothes, if belonging to +him and of his own make, are as suitable as those of a good cut. So it +is with the intellectual giant who takes no heed of his manners. He may +learn much from less talented persons, who are, nevertheless, his +superiors in many respects. Desirable as it may be for a young man to +shun the extravagance of the aesthete, and to despise the shams of +society, he cannot afford to neglect the courtesies of life; and he +does well who, while devoting his energies to mathematics and the +classics, pays attention to the improvement of his manners. It is while +young that manners are formed; the most strenuous efforts will not +wholly eradicate in after life the awkward habits formed in youth. + +The young man who is ambitious, upon whom Dame Fortune is already +turning a dawning smile, should pause and think about this matter. Some +time he may be rich; some time he may aspire to a high position in +society or in public life, and he should begin early to fit himself for +the proud position he means to occupy. + +The outward address of a man has no little influence upon his success in +business. The polite attention and readiness to meet every reasonable, +and often unreasonable, demand of his customers, on the part of A. T. +Stewart, when he opened his narrow linen store on Broadway, was almost +as important a factor in his rapid success in securing business as his +remarkable quickness in discovering changes in the market, and in +adapting his goods to the taste and necessities of his patrons. This +marked self-restraint and politeness of manner he retained to the last. + +It is strange that every business man does not appreciate the commercial +value of politeness. The writer knows a clerk who is employed in a drug +store in one of the largest towns of Maine. So polite is he in his +attentions to customers, so willing to be helpful, so pleasing in his +manner, with that restraint and quietness which mark the gentleman and +destroy every trace of effusion, that he has made himself invaluable to +his employer. It is reported that, more than once, his friends have +urged him to establish a business of his own, but his employer, +realizing his value in attracting and holding customers, has turned him +from the idea by a generous increase of salary. Thousands of clerks and +thousands of professional and business men could greatly increase their +earning power by closer attention to the accepted rules of courtesy. + +Some people excuse a roughness of manner by saying that they detest +affectations of all kinds, that they love the truth, that they are +perfectly frank and outspoken. Such people pride themselves upon their +naturalness, and on the ground of frankness they will wound by rude +language, will insult you, and defend their awkwardness and ill-breeding +by the plea of "natural manners." Naturalness is not always commendable. +If nature has not invested us with those qualities which are pleasing to +others, we should try to improve upon nature. The plainest truths may be +conveyed in civil speech, and it is better to "assume a virtue if you +have it not." To object to politeness on the ground that its language is +sometimes unmeaning and expressed for effect, is as foolish as it would +be to object to the decoration of our parlors or the wearing of good +clothes. + +In the ordinary compliments of good society there is no intention to +deceive. Polite language is pleasant to the ear, and soothing to the +heart, while rough words are the reverse, and while they may not always +be the result of bad temper, they are quite likely to cause it. + +The motive for politeness should not be the desire to shine, or to raise +one's self into society supposed to be better than one's own. The +cultivation of good manners is not merely a means to the gratification +of personal vanity, but it is a duty we owe not only to other people but +to ourselves; a duty to make ourselves better in every respect than we +are. Indeed, the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that +of good morals that they seem almost inseparable. + +"Did you ever think how invisible is the armor of defence afforded by +perfect politeness?" asks _Harper's Bazar_. "Neither man, woman nor +child can resist it. The quick tempered Irish maid who loses her hold on +her tongue so easily and 'answers back' with a hot retort is abashed +when her mistress meets her with quiet courtesy. The angry person, off +guard and saying what he really does not mean, is foiled by the +self-control of his interlocutor, who has not, for an instant, forgotten +the gracious manner of good breeding." + +Politeness is, perhaps, instinctive with some, but with the majority it +is a matter of training, of the slow and careful discipline of voice and +eye and carriage. Under this training all the angles of personal vanity +and self-consciousness are rubbed off, the person becomes adorned with +grace, ease, simplicity and gentleness, and what may seem to the +untrained observer as the perfection of naturalness may be simply the +perfection of culture. + +Very sensitive persons who suffer acutely from fancied slights can save +themselves many wounds by always being as scrupulous in giving as they +are in exacting courtesy. To suffer one's self to perpetrate a rudeness +is to lay one's self open to the same. In nothing should we be less +economical than in politeness. It should lead us to prompt and generous +acknowledgment of every kindness, to responsive thanks when a gift, +however small, is brought to our door. It should oblige us to listen +with patient attention even to the person whose conversation is not +entertaining, to sit apparently absorbed when in public we are present +at concert or lecture. This defensive armor, so smooth, so polished, so +easily worn, will make our intercourse with society agreeable. + +The fact is, that when we come in contact with human beings anywhere and +in any occupation, we are quite likely to get in return just what we +give. + +A man who is always the gentleman seldom meets with rebuffs from even +the most unpolished and crude. The employer who uses kind words with his +workmen, usually gets kind words in return. + + + + +DRESS. + + _"No woman is ugly who is well dressed."_ + SPANISH PROVERB. + + _For the apparel oft proclaims the man._ + HAMLET. + + _I believe in dress. I believe that God delights in beautiful + things, and as he has never made anything more beautiful than + woman, I believe that that mode of dressing the form and face + which best harmonizes with her beauty is that which pleases him + best._ + J. G. HOLLAND. + + +As the author of this volume is a man, this chapter on dress is, of +course, written from a man's point of view. He knows very well that, +were he to attempt to write scientifically of woman's clothes he would +be lost. No one but a woman can do that. The man who tried it would soon +find himself bewildered by a maze of technical terms and expressions +which seem absolutely necessary to describe exactly what is meant. +Possibly, however, the author can take a broad, mental grasp of the +subject apart from and above the pretty finesse with which feminine +writers would treat the subject. Clothes are the woman's weapons, one of +the resources of civilization, with which woman marches forth to the +conquest of the masculine world, and the writer wishes to estimate from +the man's standpoint just how much the silks, the laces, the ribbons and +the velvets have to do in influencing the masculine heart. + +What one wears is accepted as an index of one's character. Whether this +is as it should be or not, yet it is true; and we all feel, more or +less, that coarseness or refinement finds visible expression in apparel +as in no other way. "Surely," says _The Boston Journal_, "nothing so +intensifies the personality as the clothes one wears; through +association they become a part of us, help to identify us, even in some +peculiar, reactionary way, serve to control our mental states." + +Many women will tell you that their most infallible cure for weariness +and the blues is to go and dress up in one of their prettiest gowns. +Many men will tell you that a clean shave, clean linen, and a fresh suit +of clothes are most reviving and soothing in their effect upon the +psychical as well as the physical man. + +The statement, often made, that women dress well only to please the +men, is only a fraction of the truth. + +They dress to please the men; to please one another, and to please +themselves. Which of these three motives is the strongest depends upon +the individual, for,--"while there are men and men, there are women and +women and women," and it is absurd to make any attempt to analyze +motives or to formulate principles which will apply to all women. + +The men who dress well do it for the women and for themselves. The +effect that their apparel has upon others of their own sex, gives men +but little concern. If all the women should be taken from the world +tailors would at once lose half their business, for the men would +immediately begin to wear out their old clothes. + +As a rule, few men care very much for fine clothes for their own sake, +but a love of dress is natural in woman, and one who exhibits +indifference in regard to her personal appearance convicts herself of +either indolence, self-righteousness or pedantry. A woman who has not +some natural taste in dress, who does not take a positive delight in +combinations of colors, who is not fond of fine apparel for its own +sake, is an anomaly. + +Men do not notice details of a woman's dress. Few know enough about the +subject to distinguish cheese-cloth from _point d'esprit_. The +description in detail of a new gown as given in a fashion journal is +about as intelligible to the average man as the inscriptions on an +Assyrian tablet. + +They accept the woman as a whole, and consider her, and what she has on, +as one harmonious, homogeneous, unanalyzable completeness. If you doubt +this ask a man to tell you how a certain lady was dressed at a reception +he attended the evening before. Perhaps he noticed her particularly +while there, and told you at the time that she was becomingly attired. +He may be able to tell you that she wore a pink waist, or that the +prevailing color of her costume was blue, but there his knowledge of the +subject ends. + +While it is true that men give but little thought to the details of a +woman's dress, unless it is conspicuously bad, very many of them know +whether she is becomingly attired or not. While they may have no clear +idea as to whether the material of a gown cost five cents or five +dollars a yard, or whether the gown itself is quite in fashion, they +know whether the owner carries it well, and whether the material, style +and color are becoming to her. Perhaps, on the whole, a man of good +taste is a better judge than a woman as to whether she is becomingly +dressed. This is because they regard the subject from entirely different +standpoints. The stylishly gowned woman is, to the average woman, well +dressed, but not necessarily so to the man. It is a perpetual wonder to +some men why women have not the courage to reject certain combinations +and certain styles of dress that are inharmonious and ugly in +themselves, and, consequently, unbecoming to the one who wears them. + +Years ago certain colors were thought to be becoming to certain types of +women. There was an undisputed tradition in regard to the colors which +the blonde should wear, and also what ones were becoming to the +brunette. This was not a dictate of fashion; it was a fact ascertained +by experience. Of late these traditions have been disregarded by +fashion, and the stylish woman wears any color or combination she +pleases, but often at the sacrifice of her good looks. + +Fashion cannot change the laws of cause and effect--the laws of +harmony--and if the decided brunette chooses to wear colors which are +becoming only to blondes she does it at the expense of half her natural +beauty. Men feel this and wonder what is amiss. + +A few years ago fashion made quite common a style of sailor hat with +diminutive crown made in the shape of an hour-glass. They were ugly in +themselves, and when perched upon the head detracted from the beauty of +any face. Nothing could be more ridiculous than the sight of a stout, +tall girl, with broad hips and prominent features, marching along the +street with her head surmounted by that parody on the most becoming of +all hats for a young woman--the sailor. One at once called to mind the +dice-box which the negro minstrel wears to make himself appear as funny +as possible. One man wittily characterized them as "the hats that wore +corsets." Men never liked them, but thousands of them were worn. + +From a man's point of view it would be far better if women made a more +comprehensive and sensible study of their individual needs in dress and +did not blindly follow the decrees of fashion; if more women would +realize that the garment suitable to a tall, slim figure, is utterly +inappropriate to a stout, short one. When Sara Bernhardt invented the +glove which was to give size and form to her thin and poorly shaped arm, +she recognized the highest aim of fashion. When a woman is in need of a +new hat or bonnet, a man's advice would be: "Hunt the tables until you +find one which, in shape and trimming, is suitable and becoming to you. +Never mind if it is not the very latest style; if it suits your face and +figure, take it, and you will not be sorry." + +In furnishing a room we understand that we should put in it only what +makes the room look better--not what is simply pretty in itself; and if +women would follow a similar plan in dress,--wear only what is becoming +to them, and not wear things, simply because they think them pretty and +fashionable, men would be better pleased. Man is attracted by a woman's +beauty itself, and whether she has just the latest modes or not seldom +interests him in the least. So the girl who would dress to please men, +should, first of all, wear what will show off her natural attractiveness +of face and figure to the best advantage; after that she may be as +fashionable as possible. + +Without doubt many girls attach too much importance to dress as a means +of attracting the other sex. It is frequently the case that, when a +young lady is invited to a social function, her first thought is, "What +shall I wear?" Her second thought is, "What shall I wear?" This question +is with her much of the time until she goes to the place where she is to +be entertained; and as she enters the room her first thought is, "I +wonder how I look." If, upon an examination of the other young ladies +present, she concludes that she is as well dressed as anyone there, she +experiences a feeling of restfulness and of satisfaction, and enjoys the +evening. She imagines she must be an object of interest to the men, and +to an extent she is. + +Men like women to be "well groomed." They take in her whole appearance +at a glance, and then pay but little further attention to the question +of gowns, ribbons, slippers or sashes. They want to be entertained and +amused. If the only preparation a young lady has made to render herself +attractive and interesting is the care bestowed upon her personal +appearance; if her resources for attracting consist only of a pretty +face and a graceful figure in a pretty gown, she will never become +famous for her conquests. + +Simplicity and exquisitely fresh neatness and daintiness are to a man +more attractive than any extravagance of fashion or costliness of +material. No man was ever induced to propose to a girl by the splendor +of her costume. Of course it would be absurd to assert that physical +beauty is of no value, or that dress is of little importance. That girl +who is born physically beautiful, is fortunate indeed, and any girl of +common sense knows that an attractive gown or a becoming hat is of +importance. The great thing for her to understand is that there must be +something better under the becoming hat than a pretty face, for her own +happiness, and if she would be very attractive to others. + +Just as there are some persons who are said to be born magnetic, so some +women are supposed to have a peculiarly attractive way of wearing +clothes which defies imitation. + +Said a writer in the _Springfield Republican_: "There is a subtle +something which one cannot get on the microscopic slide, which refuses +to be reduced to percentages, which baffles description, and that is the +manner in which some women wear their clothes. Two girls with faces of +equal value and garments of identical texture will fail to produce +equivalent effects, because one has this indefinable quality, and the +other has not. Consequently we often hear it said that some girls are +more attractive in calico than others in richer material." + +That there is a marked difference in the way different women wear their +clothes, no one will deny, but because some girls look and appear to +better advantage than others in the same material, is it necessary to +regard it as beyond comprehension, or to declare that it "baffles +description"? The writer did not go far enough in his description of the +two girls. While their faces were of equal value, and their clothing was +of the same material, there might be other differences which would +account for the "indefinable quality." Possibly one was pleasing in +manner and the other not. One was awkward in person and in speech, +while the other was tactful and graceful. One was dull; the other +interesting. The difference was one of physical and mental +characteristics, and not a quality that "baffles description." Indeed it +is a difference easily understood and analyzed. + +If two girls have faces and forms of equal value, and are equally +graceful, tactful and well mannered, their clothes, if of the same form +and material, will be worn in much the same way, and will produce much +the same effect. + + * * * * * + +No man, whatever his position in the world may be, can afford to be +careless about his personal appearance. Dress may not make the man, but +we all form in our minds a very clear idea of what a man is by his +dress. We gain our first impression of persons by what they have on; our +second judgment is formed from their conversation and manner. + +The well dressed man is more attractive to others, and he feels much +better himself than he would if carelessly attired. Have you noticed the +wonderful transformation which takes place in a man when he doffs his +everyday clothes and dons a dress suit? During the day he may have an +untidy and even a slovenly appearance, but as soon as he puts on a well +laundered shirt, a high standing collar, a fresh lawn tie, and a dress +suit, he seems completely changed. He looks from five to ten years +younger, and from his manner you know that he feels younger. He is on +better terms with himself and with the world. + +Every woman likes a man better for being well dressed. She may excuse, +or overlook, carelessness or even slovenliness in his personal +appearance, if she is very fond of him, but she would like him much more +if he were neat and tidy and tasteful. She may forgive his green and +yellow necktie, she may overlook his soiled linen, she may make no +reference to his coat with its collar covered with dust and dandruff; +she may not let him know that she has even noticed any of these things, +but she has. She thinks of them whenever he is with her, and sometimes +when she is away from him, and she wishes he were different. She may +like him in spite of these defects. Women usually like a man in spite of +things. If a man noticed half as many things about a woman that did not +please him, he would never love her at all. + +Leaving out of the question the fact that women like to have men neat +and even elegant in their raiment, no man who is seeking to make his way +in business or in a profession, can afford to be careless about his +clothes. + +"A few men," says _The Lewiston Journal_, "clothed in the serenity of +soul that approaches the insanity of genius can afford to go +illy-clothed. President Lincoln was given free license to wear frock +coats unbecomingly. Horace Greeley could wear a linen duster with grace +and equanimity. But they were unique. They could make fashion look +insignificant, but you and I cannot, if we care to move amid the throng +of busy people seeking passage on the car of progress." + +No better advice has been given to men on the subject of dress than in +an article which appeared in _Success_. A short extract from the article +will close this chapter. + +"Clothes are one of the accepted standards by which men are judged the +world over. They form the chief standard of first impression; so, for +that reason alone, it would be difficult to overestimate their +importance. They show at a glance whether a man is neat or untidy; +careful or careless; methodical or shiftless, and what sort of taste he +has. Nothing else about him reflects so much of his personal +characteristics. So it is not surprising to be told by those who yearly +give employment to thousands of men and boys, that more applicants are +turned away on account of their personal appearance than for all other +reasons put together. But it would surprise some people very much if +they knew how widely this rule is applied. + +The well dressed man is one whose clothes do not make him the object of +comment, either because they are showy or shabby. He never goes to the +extremes of fashion, thereby courting notoriety; he never goes to the +other extreme by paying no attention at all to what he wears or how he +wears it. He is always modest in his attire. He conforms to the +established customs of changing his attire as the occasion demands, +without making himself a slave to reform. He does not always wear +expensive clothes, nor is it at all necessary that he should. But he is +always clean and neat, or, as the present day has it, he is "well +groomed." + + + + +THE OPTIMIST. + + _The habit of looking on the bright side of things is worth far + more than a thousand pounds a year._ + --SAMUEL JOHNSON. + + _"More than half the unhappiness in the world comes from a + person's unwillingness to look on the bright side so long as + a dark side can be discovered."_ + + +We all like the optimist. The bright, cheerful, good-natured fellow, who +always looks through the cloud and sees its silver lining, is as good as +a tonic to our most pessimistic dispositions. If, then, you wish to make +yourself agreeable to others and to yourself, cultivate the habit of +cheerfulness--of always looking on the bright side. Wear a pleasant +countenance; let cheerfulness beam in your eye; let love write its mark +on your forehead, and have kind words and a pleasant greeting for those +whom you meet. Don't forget to say "good morning!" and say it heartily. +Say it to your brothers and sisters, your school-mates, your parents, +your teachers and your friends. Pleasant, hearty greetings cheer the +discouraged, rest the tired, and make the wheels of life run more +smoothly. They clear up the thorny pathways, win friends, and confound +enemies. In fact, it is impossible to resist the influence of +cheerfulness. Let a bright face beam on the darkness of defeat, shine on +the abode of poverty; illumine the chamber of sickness, and how +everything changes under its benign influence. + +Victory becomes possible, competence promises a golden future, and +health is wooed back again. + +On the other hand, you cannot estimate the amount of unhappiness you may +cause by wearing a clouded face and by speaking harsh, unkind words. + +Many persons fret and whine all through life. They never appear to have +a generous impulse. + +"They seem to have come into the world during one of those cold, bleak, +gloomy days, when there was nothing with which to build a fire. They, +apparently, grew up in the same bleak atmosphere, and they live in it +all their lives. You see their smallness in everything they do and say. +You see it in their buying and in their selling, in their talk and in +their actions. They have been well called 'the frogs that constitute +one of the plagues of society.' They have never made one heart glad, nor +shed one ray of sunshine upon man, woman, or child." + +It is just as easy to be kind as to be cross, and as easy to give +pleasure as pain. It costs nothing; it is a smile, an appreciative word, +a mention of what one likes to hear spoken of rather than an irritating +reference. + +If your minister has preached a sermon that interested and helped you, +tell him so. It will encourage and cheer him, and he will try to give +you still better sermons in the future. Remember that the preacher is +much more human than most people think, and that no man more highly +prizes the genuine, manly word of good cheer, sympathy and affection. If +your grocer has sold you something that was particularly good, tell him +so. No doubt you have often found fault with the tea and the flour and +the meat; then why not surprise him by letting him know that you +appreciate a good thing when you get it. + +Perhaps you have children who are attending the public schools. Perhaps +their teacher by patience, tact, and the expenditure of much nerve +force, has succeeded in interesting them in their studies as they have +never been before. Don't you think it would stimulate her to still +greater effort if you should say to her when you meet: "My children are +doing well at school this term. They like you and are interested in +their work." No doubt you have often severely criticised teachers, +methods, and school management, and you have been very free with your +words of condemnation. Why not help a little by some expression of +approval if you can honestly do so. + +Give pleasure to your wife, if you have one. Notice her painstaking +efforts to make home comfortable; compliment her dinner and show that +you appreciate the thousand things she does for your comfort. There is +no greater exhibition of heroic fortitude than is seen in one who dwells +in a cheerless home she does her best to brighten, and who wears away +the years in an unsatisfied desire for words and tokens of love and +sympathy which never come to her. + +Do not be afraid of giving something of yourself, of letting yourself +out a little; and do not fear that your heart will run away with your +head. Do not confound sentiment with sentimentalism, and do not hesitate +to praise a thing or an act if it is really worthy of it. You need to do +this for your own sake as well as for the sake of making others happy. + +"For my own sake," you say. "In what way will it help me if I bestow +praise upon another?" Praise, when it is deserved, is of more +importance to the giver than the receiver. + +"Praise does not immediately affect the merit of him to whom it is +awarded," said a writer recently, "but it does immediately affect the +merit of him to whom its awarding belongs. If a man deserves praise he +is quite as much of a man without it as with it; but no man can be so +much of a man, nor seem so much of a man, while withholding just praise +as while bestowing it." + +In little matters as well as in large ones, to acknowledge the merit of +others is a duty, the performance of which is even more important to the +one who owes it, than to the one to whom it is owed. We do not fail to +express our appreciation of heroic deeds, but it is in the common, +everyday life that the words of appreciation are most sorely needed, and +too seldom spoken. Many a woman would have been greatly cheered and +helped over many hard places, if, while living, she could have heard +half as many nice things said to her by those she loved, as were put +into her funeral sermon and obituary notice. + +There is, of course, a great difference between the expression of a due +and delicate appreciation of merit, and that false and exaggerated +praise which is dictated by the desire to flatter. The former is always +received with pleasure, but the latter wounds the susceptibility of +those on whom it is lavished. To a mind rightly constituted, there are +few things more painful than undeserved, or even excessive commendation. +Flattery is never excusable; deserved praise should never be withheld. + +Do not be a grumbler. Is there any person more unwelcome than the +chronic growler? When we meet him he begins by growling about the +weather; then you are entertained with a long account of his aches and +pains, his trials and his losses. Nothing pleases him. His neighbors are +dishonest, church members are hypocrites, public officials are, in his +estimation, all rascals, law makers are corrupt, and the country is +going to the dogs. If you speak in commendation of an individual, he at +once attempts to belittle him in your estimation. If you praise a cause +or an institution, he is sure to find fault with what you say. He wishes +your sympathy for his troubles, but he has none to give. + +We all crave sympathy, but, if we are not careful, we may exhaust the +patience, even of our best friends, with the recital of our troubles. If +your aches and pains are ever so bad, the best advice for you is "grin +and bear it." It is all very well to be an interesting invalid for a +short time. Your neighbors will bring you in good things to eat, and +your friends will bring you pretty flowers to look at, and books to +read, but do not remain too long in bed if you can help it, and do not +wear too long and sad a face when you are recovering. It will not +relieve your pain at all to tell everyone you meet how much you suffer, +and when your friends have sympathized with you a dozen times they +become a little tired of it. This advice is worthy of practice, not for +the sake of your friends only, but for your own. The burden cheerfully +borne becomes light, and any physician knows that the hopeful, cheerful +patient has many more chances of recovery than the despondent one. In +the lives of us all there are hours of anxiety, disappointment, pain and +vexation; seasons of trial that are to be met only with stubborn +patience. Greatness of soul is tested by the serenity with which these +inevitable ills are borne and finally overcome. The little mind will +fret and chafe and fume over little things, even as the petty stream +over its narrow, pebbly bed, while the deep, strong river moves swiftly +and silently over the boulders that lie at its bottom. + +"But," you say, "while the advice is good it is very hard to follow it." +Yes, but it is really harder not to heed it. "The bird that beats +against the iron bars of its cage suffers more than the patient +captive." + +Laugh all you can. It is good for you. Physicians tell us that laughing +has a direct and positive effect upon one's health. The physical +movement caused by a hearty laugh causes the arteries to dilate and the +flow of blood to hasten, thus promoting an acceleration of vital +processes; and a mental action through stimulating the blood vessels of +the brain. He who administers medicine in the shape of wit and humor to +the sad heart is most assuredly a "good Samaritan." + +The irresistible, good-humored philosophy of Mark Twain has relieved the +depression and sorrow of multitudes. He has compelled us to laugh, and +his mission in the world has been a beneficent one. A cheerful face is +as good for an invalid as pleasant weather. Cheerfulness is health, +melancholy is disease. Cheerfulness is just as natural to the heart of a +man in sound moral and physical health as color to his cheeks, and +wherever we see habitual gloom we may be sure there is something +radically wrong in the animal economy or the moral sense. + +Sydney Smith once gave a lady two-and-twenty receipts against +melancholy. One was a bright fire; another, to remember all the pleasant +things said to her; another, to keep a box of sugar plums on the chimney +piece and a kettle simmering on the hob. These are trivial things in +themselves but life is made up of these little pleasures and none +should be neglected because of their seemingly trifling nature. + +If our temperament does not make us naturally cheerful, we can, at +least, cultivate those habits of body and mind which seem most favorable +to the growth of this condition. We can keep the mind open to cheerful +impressions, and close it to those that are gloomy. It is far better to +magnify our blessings than to depreciate them. The Spaniard of whom +Southey tells that he always put on his magnifying glasses when he ate +cherries, in order to make them seem larger, had the true philosophy of +life. So the ancient Pompeiians seem to have well understood the art of +making the most of everything. Their gardens were very small, but by +painting the surrounding walls with plants and landscapes their little +area became indefinitely enlarged to the eye of the observer. + + + + +PERSONAL PECULIARITIES. + + _"Eccentricity may be harmless, but it never can be commendable; + it is one of the children of that prolific failing--vanity. And + whether it shows in feeling, manners, or peculiarities of dress, + it is clearly acted upon from the presumptuous supposition that + the many are in the wrong, the individual in the right."_ + + _Society will pardon much to genius and special gifts, but, being + in its nature a convention, it loves what is conventional or what + belongs to coming together. That makes the good and bad of + manners, namely, what helps or hinders fellowship._ + EMERSON. + + +We all know that the outward address of a person has great influence +upon his success both in the social and the business world. Thousands of +men and women are, in their efforts to please, hindered by some +personal peculiarity which is painfully apparent to other people, but of +which they themselves seem wholly ignorant. Thousands of professional +and business men are prevented from attaining the success they might +reach by some infelicity of manner or speech which could be remedied by +a little painstaking effort. + +Here is a physician who has prepared himself thoroughly for his +profession by years of hard study and by the expenditure of a +considerable sum of money, but he knows little of human nature, and but +little of the requirements of good society. He has no tact, and has not +thought it necessary to cultivate that quality. He is cold and +unsympathetic. He has no ability to make friends or to keep them. He is +not sociable, and he does not make himself agreeable to his patients by +those little kindly acts and sympathetic speeches so comforting to +invalids. He feels that he is well prepared to practice his profession, +and he regards any personal defects as of little importance. Other men +of less ability, but with more tact, soon outstrip him in the race for +public favor. He never succeeds in acquiring a large practice, and, +possibly, never knows the reason why. + +A young man applies for a position as a teacher. He is well equipped in +scholarship for the place he wishes, for he led his class in college, +and he comes highly recommended as a young man of integrity and +earnestness. After a short interview the superintendent of schools +decides that he is not the man for the position and the applicant goes +away disappointed. Why was he rejected? Not by reason of poor +scholarship, nor for lack of moral character, but simply on account of +his personal appearance. He was untidy in his dress. His linen was +soiled, his coat was not brushed, his cuffs were frayed at the edges, +while his finger-nails gave evidence that he was habitually careless +about personal neatness and cleanliness. The superintendent decided at +once that he did not want him, and the young man did not know why. + +Here is a young woman who is fine looking, intelligent and accomplished. +Apparently she possesses all those qualities which are necessary to make +her a favorite in society and she seems to deserve a host of friends. +Yet she is not greatly sought after by her acquaintances, and she has +few firm friends. Young men pay her but little attention, and seem +afraid of her. Other girls, less brilliant intellectually, with fewer +accomplishments, and with plainer faces, are far greater favorites in +society. Her particular weakness is that she has allowed herself to +fall into the practice of employing sarcasm to an extent which is +offensive to those with whom she talks. She has a habit of saying +disagreeable, biting things in a humorous way, and she never suspects +that people are hurt by them. She has cultivated the habit to such a +degree that she can always raise a laugh at some person's expense, and +she is constantly on the watch for opportunities to exercise this +accomplishment. Finally it dawns upon her that she does not hold her +friends; that she is sometimes slighted in the matter of invitations; +that she is not a popular girl, and she doesn't know why. + +A certain clergyman is a fine preacher, capable of attracting, +instructing, and inspiring the most cultivated audiences, but he is shut +out from his proper sphere of usefulness and influence, and prevented +from reaching the position for which his endowments qualify him, by a +matter which might seem trifling in itself, but which has become +offensive through its persistent hold upon him. He exhibits a lack of +proper deference to the feelings of others, an arrogant and +unsympathetic tone of voice, and sometimes yields, under opposition, to +unrestrained violence of language. He betrays his weakness every time +anyone crosses his plans and desires. It seems hard for him to +understand that others have an equal right to their preference and +opinions. He forgets that while it is easy to be amiable when everyone +agrees with him, the test of character is in keeping the temper sweet +and reasonable when people differ from him and criticise him. He +understands his power to move audiences; he is told by persons competent +to judge that his sermons are superior; he knows that in higher +intellectual qualities he surpasses many other clergymen who secure and +retain prominent positions; yet the painful truth is forced upon him +that his services as a pastor are not sought for, while inferior +preachers are selected for places of power and influence. + +A man goes into trade. He is a shrewd buyer, energetic, honest, and +keeps a good assortment of goods, but he is not obliging to customers. +He is short and crusty in his speech, irritable and sometimes almost +rude in his manner; consequently he does not hold his patrons. They +leave him, one by one, and do their purchasing at other stores where +they receive polite attention. The merchant does not prosper in +business, and he never knows why. + +Here is a woman who prides herself upon her plain speaking. She boasts +that when she has anything to say she is willing to say it to one's +face, and not behind one's back. She thinks it is a mark of sincerity +and frankness to say disagreeable things and to bring one's infirmities +to the surface. Her tendencies finally become fixed habits. She finds +herself shunned by her acquaintances, and she does not know why. + +Then there is the loquacious woman, the woman who monopolizes the +conversation, the woman who has an apparent contempt for paragraph and +punctuation. No matter what the topic of conversation may be, she at +once takes the management of it into her own hands, and the other +members of the company are made to feel at once that they are expected +to be only listeners. The loquacious woman may talk well--she often +does--but she fails to understand that there may be such a thing as too +much even of good things, and so she talks on and on, with an utter +disregard for the rights and the comfort of those around her. + +A professional man, who possesses much intellectual force and +originality, takes pride in his unconventionality in the matter of +dress. His garments are so far from the prevailing style that they +attract attention and invite comment. He does not realize that the man +who rebels against fashion may be open even more to the imputation of +vanity than he who obeys it, because he makes himself conspicuous, and +practically announces that he is wiser than his associates. An +affectation of superior simplicity is vulgarity. + +Stop a moment and recall twenty men and women of your acquaintance. You +will probably remember that two-thirds of them have some peculiarity, +some defect of speech or manner which detracts from their social and +business success, or from their usefulness. One is a gossip; another +possesses a hasty temper, while a third is intellectually dishonest, +never yielding his position, even under the most absolute proof that he +is in the wrong. One of your friends is a pessimist, and is continually +attempting to convert you to his point of view, while his wife is so +inquisitive that you at once become nervous when you perceive her +approach. A young woman of your acquaintance would be a most charming +person if she did not laugh too much. A conversation with her is, upon +her part, a perpetual giggle. + +These may generally be good, intelligent, and, in many respects, +charming people, but unfortunately they are hampered by these +deficiencies. They have become so unconscious of these personal traits +that, doubtless, they would be greatly surprised were their attention +called to them. The effect of these shortcomings upon others is, +however, just as unfortunate as if they were intentionally retained and +nourished, for we usually regard the outward manner as a true index of +the inward emotion. + +If so many of our acquaintances display idiosyncrasies that affect us +disagreeably, is it not possible that we too may be harboring some +remediable evil of temper, some superable infirmity of manner or of +speech which is a bar to our own usefulness, because distressing to +those with whom we are thrown? + +Let us think about this. + + + + +SUGGESTIONS FROM MANY SOURCES + + FOR + + THE MAN WHO WOULD PLEASE AND + THE WOMAN WHO WOULD CHARM. + + +A gentleman makes no noise; a lady is serene. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +So I talked a great deal and found myself infinitely pleased with +Brandon's conversational powers, which were rare; being no less than the +capacity for saying nothing, and listening politely to an indefinite +deal of the same thing, in another form, from me. + + CHARLES MAJOR. + + * * * * * + +Talk about those subjects you have had long in your mind, and listen to +what others say about subjects you have studied but recently. Knowledge +and timber should not be much used till they are seasoned. + + O. W. HOLMES. + + * * * * * + +A beautiful form is better than a beautiful face; a beautiful behavior +is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues +or pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +Believe nothing against another but on good authority, nor report what +may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to another to conceal it. + + WILLIAM PENN. + + * * * * * + +"Life is like a mirror. It reflects the face you bring to it. Look out +lovingly upon the world, and the world will look lovingly in upon you." + + * * * * * + +But it is mostly my own dreams I talk of, and that will somewhat excuse +me for talking of dreams at all. Everyone knows how delightful the +dreams are that one dreams one's self, and how insipid the dreams of +others are. I had an illustration of this fact not many evenings ago, +when a company of us got telling dreams. I had by far the best dreams of +any; to be quite frank, mine were the only dreams worth listening to; +they were richly imaginative, delicately fantastic, exquisitely +whimsical, and humorous in the last degree; and I wondered that when the +rest could have listened to them they were always eager to cut in with +some silly, senseless, tasteless thing, that made me sorry and ashamed +for them. I shall not be going too far if I say that it was on their +part the grossest betrayal of vanity that I ever witnessed. + + WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS. + + * * * * * + +"There is a great mistake in supposing that giving is concerned only +with material benefits. These form indeed but a small part of its +mission. Whoever creates happiness, whether by a kindly greeting, or +tender sympathy, or inspiring presence, or stimulating thought, is as +true a giver as he who empties his purse to feed the hungry." + + * * * * * + +Politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any or +all other good qualities or talents. Without them no knowledge, no +perfection whatever, is seen in its best light. The scholar, without +good breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; the soldier a +brute; and every man, disagreeable. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"Tact, though partly a natural gift, is a good deal indebted to +education and early habits. The superiority of one sex to the other in +this respect will often be found to depend on art quite as much as upon +nature." + + * * * * * + +"Never is silence more eloquent than when it is preserved toward persons +older than ourselves when they voice opinions long since proven +erroneous. Age doesn't like to be contradicted, right or wrong." + + * * * * * + +In the supremacy of self-control consists one of the perfections of the +ideal man: not to be impulsive, not to be spurred hither and thither by +each desire that in turn comes uppermost; but to be restrained, +self-balanced, governed by the joint decision of the feelings in council +assembled, before whom every action shall have been fully debated and +calmly determined. + + HERBERT SPENCER. + + * * * * * + +In the exhaustless catalogue of heaven's mercies to mankind, the power +we have of finding some germs of comfort in the hardest trials must ever +occupy the foremost place; not only because it supports and upholds us +when we most require to be sustained, but because in this source of +consolation there is something, we have every reason to believe, of the +Divine Spirit; something which, even in our fallen nature we possess in +common with the angels. + + DICKENS. + + * * * * * + +"When you bury animosity don't set up a headstone over its grave." + + * * * * * + +I don't never hav truble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep +other pholks straight iz what bothers me. + + JOSH BILLINGS. + + * * * * * + +"Hundreds of the most agreeable persons in fashionable society are those +who are content to be taught the things they already know." + + * * * * * + +It is better to return a dropped fan genteelly than give a thousand +pounds awkwardly; you had better refuse a favor gracefully than grant it +clumsily. All your Greek can never advance you from secretary to envoy, +or from envoy to embassador, but your address, your air, your manner, if +good, may. + + LORD CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"The art of not hearing should be learned by all. It is fully as +important to domestic happiness as a cultivated ear, for which both +money and time are expended. There are so many things which it is +painful to hear, so many which we ought not to hear, so very many which +if heard will disturb the temper, corrupt simplicity and modesty, +detract from contentment and happiness that everyone should be educated +to take in or shut out sounds according to his or her pleasure." + + _Once A Week._ + + * * * * * + +"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and +deeds left undone. She never knew how I loved her. He never knew what he +was to me. I always meant to make more of your friendship. I did not +know what he was to me till he was gone. Such are the poisoned arrows +which cruel death shoots back at us from the door of the sepulchre." + + * * * * * + +We are only really alive when we enjoy the good will of others. + + GOETHE. + + * * * * * + +A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. + + GEORGE ELIOT. + + * * * * * + +"Power hath not one-half the might of gentleness." + + * * * * * + +Manner is of importance. A kind no is often more agreeable than a rough +yes. + + BENGEL. + + * * * * * + +We are always clever with those who imagine we think as they do. To be +shallow you must differ from people; to be profound you must agree with +them. + + BULWER. + + * * * * * + +If you want to spoil all that God gives you; if you want to be miserable +yourself and a maker of misery to others, the way is easy enough. Only +be selfish, and it is done at once. + + CHARLES KINGSLEY. + + * * * * * + +Language was given us that we might say pleasant things. + + BOVEE. + + * * * * * + +"The specially social qualities are good nature, amiability, the desire +to please, and the kindness of heart that avoids giving offence. A good +natured person may frankly disagree with you, but he never offends." + + * * * * * + +Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +Pride of origin, whether high or low, springs from the same principle of +human nature; one is but the positive, the other the negative pole of a +single weakness. + + LOWELL. + + * * * * * + +The best possible impression that you can make by your dress is to make +no separate impression at all; but so to harmonize its material and +shape with your personality, that it becomes tributary in the general +effect, and so exclusively tributary that people cannot tell after +seeing you what kind of clothes you wear. + + J. G. HOLLAND. + + * * * * * + +Nothing is more dangerous than to paint men as they are when by chance +they are not as handsome as they would wish to be. + + EDMOND ABOUT. + + * * * * * + +"Borrow trouble if you have not enough already." + + * * * * * + +Refinement creates beauty everywhere. + + HAZLITT. + + * * * * * + +"A lady may always judge of the estimation in which she is held by the +conversation which is addressed to her." + + * * * * * + +Some people cannot drive to happiness with four horses, and others can +reach the goal on foot. + + THACKERAY. + + * * * * * + +"The clown who excites the multitudes to mirth is more a benefactor than +the conqueror who drapes a thousand homes in mourning." + + * * * * * + +"Tact is the art of putting yourself in another's place, and being quick +about it." + + * * * * * + +"It pays 100 per cent. to be polite to everyone, from the garbage +gatherer to the governor." + + * * * * * + +"If you wish that your own merit should be recognized, recognize the +merits of others." + + * * * * * + +"If you cannot be happy in one way, be happy in another; and this +facility of disposition wants but little aid from philosophy, for health +and good humor are almost the whole affair. Many run about after +felicity, like an absent man hunting for his hat while it is on his head +or in his hand. Such persons want nothing to make them the happiest +people in the world but the knowledge that they are so." + + * * * * * + +"An Atchison woman, who three days ago was considered the most popular +woman in town, has not one friend left; instead of sympathizing with her +friends, as she has heretofore, she began telling them her troubles." + + _Atchison Globe._ + + * * * * * + +It is the characteristic of folly to discern the faults of others and to +forget one's own. + + CICERO. + + * * * * * + +What is it to be a gentleman? It is to be honest, to be gentle, to be +generous, to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, +to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner. + + THACKERAY. + + * * * * * + + _Teach me to feel another's woe, + To hide the fault I see; + That mercy I to others show, + That mercy show to me._ + POPE. + + * * * * * + +"The Persians say of noisy, unreasonable talk: 'I hear the noise of the +mill-stone, but I see no meal.'" + + * * * * * + +We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain. + + ALGER. + + * * * * * + +It is much easier to be critical than correct. + + BEACONSFIELD. + + * * * * * + +"'I am busy, Johnnie, and can't help it,' said the father, writing away +when the little fellow hurt his finger. 'Yes, you could--you might have +said oh!' sobbed Johnnie. There's a Johnnie in tears inside all of us +upon occasions." + + REV. W. C. GANNETT. + + * * * * * + +"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but +you may prevent them from stopping to build their nests there." + + * * * * * + +In general society one should always avoid discussions upon two +subjects--religion and politics. In a discussion upon either of these +subjects you will find very little intellectual honesty, and it will +almost invariably lead to irritating differences of opinion. + + * * * * * + +A gentleman is one who understands and shows every mark of deference to +the claims of self-love in others and exacts it in return from them. + + HAZLITT. + + * * * * * + +"There is no real conflict between truth and politeness; what is +imagined to be such is only the crude mistake of those who fail to +discover their harmony. Politeness, taken in its best sense, is the +graceful expression of respect, kind feeling, and good will." + + * * * * * + +"Beloved among women is she who, having warned a friend of the +consequences to follow rash doings, will, when her prophecies have +come true, withhold the triumphant: I told you so!" + + _Boston Journal._ + + * * * * * + +"No one loses by politeness to, or by the trifling exercise of apparent +pleasure in a caller. While I have no wish to counsel insincerity, there +is a wide difference between that offensive veneer and the pure metal of +consideration for the feelings of a stranger within one's gate." + + + +LADY BELLAIR'S ADVICE TO GIRLS. + + +WHAT TO AVOID. + +A loud, weak, affected, whining, harsh or shrill tone of voice. +Extravagances in conversation--such phrases as "Awfully this," "Beastly +that," "Loads of time," "Don't you know," "Hate" for "dislike," etc. + +Sudden exclamations of annoyance, surprise and joy,--often dangerously +approaching to "female swearing"--as "Bother!" "Gracious!" "How jolly!" + +Yawning when listening to anyone. + +Talking on family matters, even to bosom friends. + +Attempting any vocal or instrumental piece of music that you cannot +execute with ease. + +Crossing your letters. + +Making a sharp, short nod with the head, intended to do duty as a bow. + + +WHAT TO CULTIVATE. + +An unaffected, low, distinct, silver-toned voice. + +The art of pleasing those around you, and seeming pleased with them and +all they may do for you. + +The charm of making little sacrifices quite naturally, as if of no +account to yourself. + +The habit of making allowances for the opinions, feelings, or prejudices +of others. + +An erect carriage--that is, a sound body. + +A good memory for faces, and facts connected with them--thus avoiding +giving offence through not recognizing or bowing to people, or saying to +them what had best been left unsaid. + +The art of listening without impatience to prosy talkers, and smiling at +the twice-told tale or joke. + + * * * * * + +"He who would see his sons and daughters thoroughly and truly gentle, +must forbid selfishness of action, rudeness of speech, carelessness of +forms, impoliteness of conduct from the first, and demand that in +childhood and the nursery shall be laid the foundation of that good +breeding which is as a jewel of price to the mature man and woman." + + * * * * * + +"Many persons consider that 'bad temper' is entirely voluntary on the +part of the person who displays it. As a matter of fact it is often, to +a very great extent, involuntary, and no one is more angry at it than +the bad tempered person himself. Of course everyone, whether he is born +with a bad temper or has acquired one from habit, or has been visited +with one as the result of disease or injury, should at least try to +control it. But his friends should also bear in mind that bad temper may +be, and often is, an affliction to be sympathized with, not an offence +to be punished." + + _Once A Week._ + + * * * * * + +There are some people so given over to the pettiness of fault-picking, +that if they should suddenly see the handwriting on the wall, they would +disregard its awful warning in their eager haste to point out its +defective penmanship. + + BRANDER MATTHEWS. + + * * * * * + +"We are all dissatisfied. The only difference is that some of us sit +down in the squalor of our dissatisfaction, while others make a ladder +of it." + + * * * * * + +Mrs. Julia Ward Howe said, in speaking of Longfellow, that "his personal +charm was in a delicateness of mind that was truly cosmopolitan; he had +a vivid appreciation of what was beautiful and noble, and he represented +the purest taste and the most perfect feeling." Was there ever given a +finer definition of a gentleman? + + * * * * * + +"Set a watch over thy mouth, and keep the door of thy lips, for a +tale-bearer is worse than a thief." + + THE BIBLE. + + * * * * * + +"He submits to be seen through a microscope who suffers himself to be +caught in a passion." + + * * * * * + +"It isn't what you wear in this life, gentlemen; it is how you wear it. +It isn't so much what you do; it is how you do it. There are people who +do tasteful things vulgarly, and vulgar things tastefully. Who was it +that + + _'Kicked them downstairs with such very fine grace, + They thought he was handing them up'?_ + +"A sense of humor is one of the most precious gifts that can be +vouchsafed to a human being. He is not necessarily a better man for +having it, but he is a happier one. It renders him indifferent to good +or bad fortune. It enables him to enjoy his own discomfiture. Blessed +with this sense, he is never unduly elated or cast down. No one can +ruffle his temper. No abuse disturbs his equanimity. Bores do not bore +him. Humbugs do not humbug him. Solemn airs do not impose on him. +Sentimental gush does not influence him. The follies of the moment have +no hold on him." + + _Boston Journal._ + + * * * * * + +There is always a best way of doing everything, if it be but to boil an +egg. Manners are the happy way of doing things; each one the stroke of +genius or of love--now repeated and hardened into usage. Your manners +are always under examination, and by committees little suspected--a +police in citizen's clothes--but are awarding or denying you very high +prizes when you least think of it. + + EMERSON. + + * * * * * + +My experience of life makes me sure of one truth, which I do not try to +explain; that the sweetest happiness we ever know, the very wine of +human life, comes not from love, but from sacrifice--from the effort to +make others happy. This is as true to me as that my flesh will burn if I +touch red-hot metal. + + JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY. + + * * * * * + +"A wise man will turn adverse criticism and malicious attacks to good +account. He will consider carefully whether there is not in him some +weakness or fault which, although he never discovered, was plain to the +eye of his enemy. Many men profit more by the assaults of foes than by +the kindness of friends." + + * * * * * + +"Politeness is like an air cushion: there may be nothing in it, but it +eases our jolts wonderfully." + + * * * * * + +Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say +disagreeable things to your intimates. On the contrary, the nearer you +come into relation with a person the more necessary do tact and courtesy +become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend +to learn unpleasant truths from his enemies: they are ready enough to +tell them. Good breeding never forgets that _amour-propre_ is universal. + + O. W. HOLMES. + + * * * * * + +Whatever our disbeliefs, most of us profoundly believe in goodness; and +we incline to believe that a man who has practically learned the secret +of noble living has somehow got near the truth of things. + + GEO. S. MERRIAM. + + * * * * * + +"A man's bad temper sometimes does more toward spoiling a dinner than a +woman's bad cooking." + + * * * * * + + _Her voice was ever soft, + Gentle and low; an excellent thing in + Woman._ + + SHAKESPEARE. + + * * * * * + +True politeness is perfect ease and freedom. It simply consists in +treating others just as you love to be treated yourself. + + CHESTERFIELD. + + * * * * * + +A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one, no more +right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down. + + JOHNSON. + + * * * * * + + How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, + Is that fine sense which men call courtesy! + Wholesome as air and genial as the light, + Welcome in every clime as breath of flowers,---- + It transmutes aliens into trusting friends, + And gives its owner passport round the globe. + + J. T. FIELDS. + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES + +1. Passages in italics are surrounded by _underscores_. + +2. Punctuation errors have been corrected without note. + +3. The following misprints have been corrected: + "repuation" corrected to "reputation" (page 2) + "sympatheic" corrected to "sympathetic" (page 38) + "Stael" corrected to "Stael" (page 59) + +4. Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies +in spelling and hyphenation have been retained. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Man Who Pleases and the Woman Who +Charms, by John A. 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