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diff --git a/old/incap10.txt b/old/incap10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..979fc20 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/incap10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1531 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Inca of Perusalem, by Bernard Shaw +#13 in our series by George Bernard Shaw. + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.08.01*END** +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + + + + + +This etext was produced by Eve Sobol, South Bend, Indiana, USA + + + + + +THE INCA OF PERUSALEM: AN ALMOST HISTORICAL COMEDIETTA + +GEORGE BERNARD SHAW + + + +I must remind the reader that this playlet was written when its +principal character, far from being a fallen foe and virtually a +prisoner in our victorious hands, was still the Caesar whose +legions we were resisting with our hearts in our mouths. Many +were so horribly afraid of him that they could not forgive me for +not being afraid of him: I seemed to be trifling heartlessly with +a deadly peril. I knew better; and I have represented Caesar as +knowing better himself. But it was one of the quaintnesses of +popular feeling during the war that anyone who breathed the +slightest doubt of the absolute perfection of German +organization, the Machiavellian depth of German diplomacy, the +omniscience of German science, the equipment of every German with +a complete philosophy of history, and the consequent hopelessness +of overcoming so magnificently accomplished an enemy except by +the sacrifice of every recreative activity to incessant and +vehement war work, including a heartbreaking mass of fussing and +cadging and bluffing that did nothing but waste our energies and +tire our resolution, was called a pro-German. + +Now that this is all over, and the upshot of the fighting has +shown that we could quite well have afforded to laugh at the +doomed Inca, I am in another difficulty. I may be supposed to be +hitting Caesar when he is down. That is why I preface the play +with this reminder that when it was written he was not down. To +make quite sure, I have gone through the proof sheets very +carefully, and deleted everything that could possibly be mistaken +for a foul blow. I have of course maintained the ancient +privilege of comedy to chasten Caesar's foibles by laughing at +them, whilst introducing enough obvious and outrageous fiction to +relieve both myself and my model from the obligations and +responsibilities of sober history and biography. But I should +certainly put the play in the fire instead of publishing it if it +contained a word against our defeated enemy that I would not have +written in 1913. + +The Inca of Perusalem was performed for the first time in +England by the Pioneer Players at the Criterion Theatre, +London, on 16th December, 1917, with Gertrude Kingston as +Ermyntrude, Helen Morris as the Princess, Nigel Playfair as +the waiter, Alfred Drayton as the hotel manager, C. Wordley +Hulse as the Archdeacon, and Randle Ayrton as the Inca. + + + +PROLOGUE + +The tableau curtains are closed. An English archdeacon comes +through them in a condition of extreme irritation. He speaks +through the curtains to someone behind them. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Once for all, Ermyntrude, I cannot afford to +maintain you in your present extravagance. [He goes to a flight +of steps leading to the stalls and sits down disconsolately on +the top step. A fashionably dressed lady comes through the +curtains and contemplates him with patient obstinacy. He +continues, grumbling.] An English clergyman's daughter should be +able to live quite respectably and comfortably on an allowance of +œ150 a year, wrung with great difficulty from the domestic +budget. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are not a common clergyman: you are an +archdeacon. + +THE ARCHDEACON [angrily]. That does not affect my emoluments to +the extent of enabling me to support a daughter whose +extravagance would disgrace a royal personage. [Scrambling to his +feet and scolding at her.] What do you mean by it, Miss? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh really, father! Miss! Is that the way to talk to a +widow? + +THE ARCHDEACON. Is that the way to talk to a father? Your +marriage was a most disastrous imprudence. It gave you habits +that are absolutely beyond your means--I mean beyond my means: +you have no means. Why did you not marry Matthews: the best +curate I ever had? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wanted to; and you wouldn't let me. You insisted on +my marrying Roosenhonkers-Pipstein. + +THE ARCHDEACON. I had to do the best for you, my child. +Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How did you know he was a millionaire? + +THE ARCHDEACON. He came from America. Of course he was a +millionaire. Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had +fifteen million dollars when you married him. + +ERYNTRUDE. His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen +millions when he died. He was a millionaire to the last. + +THE ARCHDEACON. O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing +the knee to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty +thousand dollars a year it secured to you, as we all thought. +Only half the securities could be called speculative. The other +half were gilt-edged. What has become of it all? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The speculative ones were not paid up; and the +gilt-edged ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show +burst up. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Ermyntrude: what expressions! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what +expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short +of it is that I can't live in the squalid way you are accustomed +to. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Squalid! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I have formed habits of comfort. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Comfort!! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. +Call it what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred +thousand dollars a year to run is intolerable to me. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Then, my dear, you had better become lady's maid +to a princess until you can find another millionaire to marry +you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the +curtains.] + +THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The +lights are lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. +[He descends the steps into the auditorium and makes for the +door, grumbling all the time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! +[Barking.] Worthlessness!! [Muttering.] I will not bear it any +longer. Dresses, hats, furs, gloves, motor rides: one bill after +another: money going like water. No restraint, no self-control, +no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! [Muttering again.] +Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty world! But I +simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash my hands +of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any +good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner +that is understood by everybody the better for all par-- [He is +by this time out of hearing in the corridor.] + + + +THE PLAY + +A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. +Two chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The +fireplace has a mirror in the mantelpiece. + +A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the +hotel manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional +habit, but treating his customer with a condescending affability +which sails very close to the east wind of insolence. + +THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness +on the first floor. + +THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it. +This is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. + +THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well. + +She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits +down. + +THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less +noise; and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, +there is the telephone-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone +is so difficult: I am not accustomed to it. + +THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I +might--if it would not be too much trouble. + +He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her +chair, terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the +instrument. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It +rings again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She +retreats hastily. It rings repeatedly. She runs to it in +desperation and puts the receiver to her ear.] Who is there? What +do I do? I am not used to the telephone: I don't know how-- What! +Oh, I can hear you speaking quite distinctly. [She sits down, +delighted, and settles herself for a conversation.] How +wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I know. Yes, +please, send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch yet? +Oh no: please don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't +matter. Thank you. What? Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea-- +am I to hang it up just as it was? Thank you. [She hangs it up.] + +Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a +long straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She +comes to the end of the table opposite to that at which the +Princess is seated. + +THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the +telephone: and I heard quite well, though I have never ventured +before. Won't you sit down? + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's +maid. I understood you wanted one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so +unpatriotic to want anything now, on account of the war, you +know. I sent my maid away as a public duty; and now she has +married a soldier and is expecting a war baby. But I don't know +how to do without her. I've tried my very best; but somehow it +doesn't answer: everybody cheats me; and in the end it isn't any +saving. So I've made up my mind to sell my piano and have a maid. +That will be a real saving, because I really don't care a bit for +music, though of course one has to pretend to. Don't you think +so? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be more +correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of +kindness to me, as I am out of place. + +THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er--you won't +mind my asking, will you?--how did you lose your place? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The war, Your Highness, the war. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of +grief]. My poor mistress-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So +tactless of me to mention it. + +ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears]. +Your Highness is too good. + +THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach +such importance to that. + +ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know--I shall. + +THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle. He +is very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a +maid I liked very much; but he sent her away the very first time. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done +it before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was +so truly contrite and nice about it. + +ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a +rather improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her. + +ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have +been. I wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that +out. I hope you are not too sharp. + +ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She produces +some letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no +doubt. I have one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.] + +THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How +curious! + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have +first-rate testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his +daughter. + +THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every +respect a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if +he could possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, +of course; but do you think I ought to? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most +decidedly. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite +right. You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages-- +er--? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your +Highness need not make any change. + +THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had +such a number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I +had to raise her wages again and again. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and +I have no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my +own dresses at balls. + +THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My +uncle can't object to that, can he? + +ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me +about it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your +uncle about matters of business. + +THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I +should like to set about my duties immediately. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I-- + +A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. + +ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at +it]. How long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? + +THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter. + +THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, +madam, believe me. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here. + +THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager? + +ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare +you treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of +pothouse is this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of +quality? Take away your cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give +them to the chambermaid you were flirting with whilst Her +Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea at once; and do not +presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a civil waiter +who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on +commercial travellers. + +THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. +Two years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was +crowded with the flower of the aristocracy and the higher +bourgeoisie from nine to six every day. But the war came; and my +patients were ordered to give up their luxuries. They gave up +their doctors, but kept their week-end hotels, closing every +career to me except the career of a waiter. [He puts his fingers +on the teapot to test its temperature, and automatically takes +out his watch with the other hand as if to count the teapot's +pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife +of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: +what can you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt +to establish a second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? +Have you the heart to complain to the manager? Have we not +suffered enough? Are our miseries nev-- [the manager enters]. Oh +Lord! here he is. [The waiter withdraws abjectly, taking the tea +tray with him.] + +THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent +inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I +venture to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us +with your presence. + +THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way? + +ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down +forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her +Highness will require this room for twenty minutes. + +THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper +apartment in a respectable hotel. + +THE MANAGER. I do not understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her +Highness a room on the second floor? + +THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. +At least-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least? + +THE MANAGER. It is occupied. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is +not occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the +five-fifteen express, from which you hope to pick up some fat +armaments contractor who will drink all the bad champagne in your +cellar at 5 francs a bottle, and pay twice over for everything +because he is in the same hotel with Her Highness, and can boast +of having turned her out of the best rooms. + +THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know +that Her Highness was at all particular. + +ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's +graciousness. You impose on her with your stories. You give her a +room not fit for a dog. You send cold tea to her by a decayed +professional person disguised as a waiter. But don't think you +can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and I know the ladies' +maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe and all the +millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the +second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a +curate with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its +dust off my feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once. + +THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness +believe this of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your +Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me? + +THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I +only meant-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her +Highness is going to do the work of teaching you your place +herself, instead of leaving it to her maid. + +THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish +is to make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the +war, all royal personages now practise a rigid economy, and +desire us to treat them like their poorest subjects. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but +don't do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that +suite on the first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. +And turn on the heating apparatus until the temperature in the +rooms is comfortably warm. And have hot water put in all the +bedrooms-- + +THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps. + +ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we must put +up with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang +and guggle all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I +know. + +THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle. + +ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not pleased +I'm not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There +is nothing more, thank you. + +The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to +the Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to +Ermyntrude; and goes out. + +THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage? + +ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your +Highness can leave all unpleasant people to me. + +THE PRINCESS. How I wish I could! The most dreadful thing of all +I have to go through myself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Dare I ask what it is, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. I'm going to be married. I'm to be met here and +married to a man I never saw. A boy! A boy who never saw me! One +of the sons of the Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Indeed? Which son? + +THE PRINCESS. I don't know. They haven't settled which. It's a +dreadful thing to be a princess: they just marry you to anyone +they like. The Inca is to come and look at me, and pick out +whichever of his sons he thinks will suit. And then I shall be an +alien enemy everywhere except in Perusalem, because the Inca has +made war on everybody. And I shall have to pretend that everybody +has made war on him. It's too bad. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Still, a husband is a husband. I wish I had one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, how can you say that! I'm afraid you're not a +nice woman. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Your Highness is provided for. I'm not. + +THE PRINCESS. Even if you could bear to let a man touch you, you +shouldn't say so. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall not say so again, Your Highness, except +perhaps to the man. + +THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be +so coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that +you know more about men than you should. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I +ought to have known you would not have spoken like that if you +were not married. That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so +sorry. + +The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak. + +THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf +of the Inca of Perusalem. + +THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what +shall I do? + +THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. +Captain Duval. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca +himself, incognito. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. +I'm not properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: +he would order me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call +tomorrow: say I'm ill in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you +must get rid of him somehow. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highess, and perfectly +capable of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the +matter. [To the Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and +then show Captain Duval in here. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. +Ermyntrude, noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the +table, runs after her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, +if I must have one of his sons, I should like a fair one that +doesn't shave, with soft hair and a beard. I couldn't bear being +kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, the Manager bowing as +she passes. He follows her.] + +Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself +swiftly into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with +a large jewel case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca. + +THE MANAGER. Captain Duval. + +The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and +imposing stage walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a +gesture to place the jewel case on the table; dismisses him with +a frown; touches his helmet graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes +off his cloak. + +THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to +speak to me without ceremony. + +ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I +hadn't the slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. +[She sits down: a liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I +am quite at a loss to imagine why I should treat a perfect +stranger named Duval: a captain! almost a subaltern! with the +smallest ceremony. + +THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my +position. + +ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down. + +THE INCA [frowning.] What! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down. + +THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business? + +THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst? + +THE INCA. Precisely. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him +the Allerhochst. + +THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking? + +THE INCA. I--er. Er--I. I--er. I am not a good judge. + +ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously. + +THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to +his family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of +half divine, half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions +of people, whose duty it is to die for him at the word of +command. To take himself otherwise than seriously would be +blasphemous. It is a punishable offence--severely punishable--in +Perusalem. It is called Incadisparagement. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh? + +THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] +Ha ha! Ha ha ha! + +ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not +ask could you laugh. + +THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, +that! [He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more +agreeable person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot +help it. I am amused. The other was merely an imitation: a +failure, I admit. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business? + +THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into +solemnity. I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful +note of your features and figure, and, if I consider them +satisfactory, to present you with this trifling token of His +Imperial Majesty's regard. I do consider them satisfactory. Allow +me [he opens the jewel case and presents it.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must +have! I can't wear that. + +THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed +by the Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the +centre, the shield of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions +represent the ten castles of His Majesty. The rim is a piece of +the telephone cable laid by His Majesty across the Shipskeel +canal. The pin is a model in miniature of the sword of Henry the +Birdcatcher. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My +good man, you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as +big as a turtle. [He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much +did it cost? + +THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million +Perusalem dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work +of art. As such, it is now worth probably ten million dollars. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy +something nice with the money. + +THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be +exhibited for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings +himself into his chair, fuming.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it +to save himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will +get his money back. Nobody would buy it, you know. + +THE INCA. May I ask why? + +ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you! + +THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have +to report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He +rises sulkily.] The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is +not compatible with the tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take +back the brooch.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the +brooch]. Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me +on behalf of the Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was +satisfactory. + +THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not +allow his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and +you were the only other human being on it [he strides up the +room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the +table]. How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It +would have to be quite morganatic. + +THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the +mouth of a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You +have the morals of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of +laughter. He struggles with his sense of humor.] At the same time +[he sits down] there is a certain coarse fun in the idea which +compels me to smile [he turns up his moustache and smiles.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make +the Inca order you to cut off that moustache. It is too +irresistible. Doesn't it fascinate everyone in Perusalem? + +THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the +thunders of Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your +modesty. + +THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool. + +ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well! + +THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an +exact copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy +itself with the Inca's moustache or does it not? Does it ever +occupy itself with anything else? If that is the truth, does its +recognition constitute the Inca a coxcomb? Other potentates have +moustaches: even beards and moustaches. Does the world occupy +itself with those beards and moustaches? Do the hawkers in the +streets of every capital on the civilized globe sell ingenious +cardboard representations of their faces on which, at the pulling +of a simple string, the moustaches turn up and down, so--[he +makes his moustache turn, up and down several times]? No! I say +No. The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has +made his face the political barometer of the whole continent. +When that moustache goes up, culture rises with it. Not what you +call culture; but Kultur, a word so much more significant that I +hardly understand it myself except when I am in specially good +form. When it goes down, millions of men perish. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You know, if I had a moustache like that, it would +turn my head. I should go mad. Are you quite sure the Inca isn't +mad? + +THE INCA. How can he be mad, madam? What is sanity? The condition +of the Inca's mind. What is madness? The condition of the people +who disagree with the Inca. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that +ridiculous brooch. + +THE INCA. No, madam: you are only an idiot. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Thank you. + +THE INCA. Mark you: It is not to be expected that you should see +eye to eye with the Inca. That would be presumption. It is for +you to accept without question or demur the assurance of your +Inca that the brooch is a masterpiece. + +ERMYNTRUDE. MY Inca! Oh, come! I like that. He is not my Inca +yet. + +THE INCA. He is everybody's Inca, madam. His realm will yet +extend to the confines of the habitable earth. It is his divine +right; and let those who dispute it look to themselves. Properly +speaking, all those who are now trying to shake his world +predominance are not at war with him, but in rebellion against +him. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, he started it, you know. + +THE INCA. Madam, be just. When the hunters surround the lion, the +lion will spring. The Inca had kept the peace of years. Those who +attacked him were steeped in blood, black blood, white blood, +brown blood, yellow blood, blue blood. The Inca had never shed a +drop. + +ERMYNTRUDE. He had only talked. + +THE INCA. Only TALKED! ONLY talked! What is more glorious than +talk? Can anyone in the world talk like him? Madam, when he +signed the declaration of war, he said to his foolish generals +and admirals, 'Gentlemen, you will all be sorry for this.' And +they are. They know now that they had better have relied on the +sword of the spirit: in other words, on their Inca's talk, than +on their murderous cannons. The world will one day do justice to +the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his +tongue and his moustache. While he talked: talked just as I am +talking now to you, simply, quietly, sensibly, but GREATLY, there +was peace; there was prosperity; Perusalem went from success to +success. He has been silenced for a year by the roar of +trinitrotoluene and the bluster of fools; and the world is in +ruins. What a tragedy! [He is convulsed with grief.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Captain Duval, I don't want to be unsympathetic; but +suppose we get back to business. + +THE INCA. Business! What business? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, MY business. You want me to marry one of the +Inca's sons: I forget which. + +THE INCA. As far as I can recollect the name, it is His Imperial +Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef +Alexander Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. Oh, please, please, mayn't I have one +with a shorter name? What is he called at home? + +THE INCA. He is usually called Sonny, madam. [With great charm of +manner.] But you will please understand that the Inca has no +desire to pin you to any particular son. There is Chips and Spots +and Lulu and Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack +Johnson the Second, all unmarried. At least not seriously +married: nothing, in short, that cannot be arranged. They are all +at your service. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Are they all as clever and charming as their father? + +THE INCA [lifts his eyebrows pityingly; shrugs his shoulders; +then, with indulgent paternal contempt]. Excellent lads, madam. +Very honest affectionate creatures. I have nothing against them. +Pongo imitates farmyard sounds--cock crowing and that sort of +thing--extremely well. Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on +the mouth organ really screamingly. Chips keeps owls and rabbits. +Spots motor bicycles. The Corsair commands canal barges and +steers them himself. The Piffler writes plays, and paints most +abominably. Jack Johnson trims ladies' hats, and boxes with +professionals hired for that purpose. He is invariably +victorious. Yes: they all have their different little talents. +And also, of course, their family resemblances. For example, they +all smoke; they all quarrel with one another; and they none of +them appreciate their father, who, by the way, is no mean +painter, though the Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Quite a large choice, eh? + +THE INCA. But very little to choose, believe me. I should not +recommend Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has +been necessary to build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the +royal family would get no sleep. But any of the others would suit +equally well--if you are really bent on marrying one of them. + +ERMYNTRUDE. If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of +them. I thought you wanted me to. + +THE INCA. I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you +are not quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I +doubt whether any of these young degenerates would make you +happy. I trust I am not showing any want of natural feeling when +I say that from the point of view of a lively, accomplished, and +beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] they might pall after a time. I +suggest that you might prefer the Inca himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be +of any interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and +most far-reaching intellects in the world? + +TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, +madam? Can you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who +is not a born fool? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von +Cockpits-- + +THE INCA [rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von +Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before +three weeks are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the +man in the moon. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But General Von Schinkenburg-- + +THE INCA. Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius +for defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is +invincible. But what is the good of that? The world does not +consist of market gardens. Turn him loose in pasture and he is +lost. The Inca has defeated all these generals again and again at +manoeuvres; and yet he has to give place to them in the field +because he would be blamed for every disaster--accused of +sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why do they call +him vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not +afraid to live. Why do they call themselves brave? Because they +have not sense enough to be afraid to die. Within the last year +the world has produced millions of heroes. Has it produced more +than one Inca? [He resumes his seat.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Fortunately not, Captain. I'd rather marry Chips. + +THE INCA [making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn't marry +Chips. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Why? + +THE INCA [whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about +himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, what about Snooks? + +THE INCA. Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are +so many--[wearily] so many--that I often forget. [Casually.] But +I wouldn't marry him, anyhow, if I were you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius? +Surely, if Providence has entrusted them with the care of +Perusalem--if they are all descended from Bedrock the Great-- + +THE INCA [interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I +consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch. + +ERMYNTRUDE [shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement. + +THE INCA. I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between +ourselves, I do not believe all this about Providence entrusting +the care of sixty million human beings to the abilities of Chips +and the Piffler and Jack Johnson. I believe in individual genius. +That is the Inca's secret. It must be. Why, hang it all, madam, +if it were a mere family matter, the Inca's uncle would have been +as great a man as the Inca. And--well, everybody knows what the +Inca's uncle was. + +ERMYNTRUDE. My experience is that the relatives of men of genius +are always the greatest duffers imaginable. + +THE INCA. Precisely. That is what proves that the Inca is a man +of genius. His relatives ARE duffers. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But bless my soul, Captain, if all the Inca's +generals are incapables, and all his relatives duffers, Perusalem +will be beaten in the war; and then it will become a republic, +like France after 1871, and the Inca will be sent to St Helena. + +THE INCA [triumphantly]. That is just what the Inca is playing +for, madam. It is why he consented to the war. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! + +THE INCA. Aha! The fools talk of crushing the Inca; but they +little know their man. Tell me this. Why did St Helena extinguish +Napoleon? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I give it up. + +THE INCA. Because, madam, with certain rather remarkable +qualities, which I should be the last to deny, Napoleon lacked +versatility. After all, any fool can be a soldier: we know that +only too well in Perusalem, where every fool is a soldier. But +the Inca has a thousand other resources. He is an architect. +Well, St Helena presents an unlimited field to the architect. He +is a painter: need I remind you that St Helena is still without a +National Gallery? He is a composer: Napoleon left no symphonies +in St Helena. Send the Inca to St Helena, madam, and the world +will crowd thither to see his works as they crowd now to Athens +to see the Acropolis, to Madrid to see the pictures of Velasquez, +to Bayreuth to see the music dramas of that egotistical old rebel +Richard Wagner, who ought to have been shot before he was forty, +as indeed he very nearly was. Take this from me: hereditary +monarchs are played out: the age for men of genius has come: the +career is open to the talents: before ten years have elapsed +every civilized country from the Carpathians to the Rocky +Mountains will be a Republic. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then goodbye to the Inca. + +THE INCA. On the contrary, madam, the Inca will then have his +first real chance. He will be unanimously invited by those +Republics to return from his exile and act as Superpresident of +all the republics. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But won't that be a come-down for him? Think of it! +after being Inca, to be a mere President! + +THE INCA. Well, why not! An Inca can do nothing. He is tied hand +and foot. A constitutional monarch is openly called an +India-rubber stamp. An emperor is a puppet. The Inca is not +allowed to make a speech: he is compelled to take up a screed of +flatulent twaddle written by some noodle of a minister and read +it aloud. But look at the American President! He is the +Allerhochst, if you like. No, madam, believe me, there is nothing +like Democracy, American Democracy. Give the people voting +papers: good long voting papers, American fashion; and while the +people are reading the voting papers the Government does what it +likes. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! You too worship before the statue of Liberty, +like the Americans? + +THE INCA. Not at all, madam. The Americans do not worship the +statue of Liberty. They have erected it in the proper place for a +statue of Liberty: on its tomb [he turns down his moustaches.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [laughing]. Oh! You'd better not let them hear you say +that, Captain. + +THE INCA. Quite safe, madam: they would take it as a joke. [He +rises. And now, prepare yourself for a surprise. [She rises]. A +shock. Brace yourself. Steel yourself. And do not be afraid. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Whatever on earth can you be going to tell me, +Captain? + +THE INCA. Madam, I am no captain. I-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are the Inca in disguise. + +THE INCA. Good heavens! how do you know that? Who has betrayed +me? + +ERMYNTRUDE. How could I help divining it, Sir? Who is there in +the world like you? Your magnetism-- + +THE INCA. True: I had forgotten my magnetism. But you know now +that beneath the trappings of Imperial Majesty there is a Man: +simple, frank, modest, unaffected, colloquial: a sincere friend, +a natural human being, a genial comrade, one eminently calculated +to make a woman happy. You, on the other hand, are the most +charming woman I have ever met. Your conversation is wonderful. I +have sat here almost in silence, listening to your shrewd and +penetrating account of my character, my motives, if I may say so, +my talents. Never has such justice been done me: never have I +experienced such perfect sympathy. Will you--I hardly know how to +put this--will you be mine? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Sir, you are married. + +THE INCA. I am prepared to embrace the Mahometan faith, which +allows a man four wives, if you will consent. It will please the +Turks. But I had rather you did not mention it to the Inca-ess. +if you don't mind. + +ERMYNTRUDE. This is really charming of you. But the time has come +for me to make a revelation. It is your Imperial Majesty's turn +now to brace yourself. To steel yourself. I am not the princess. +I am-- + +THE INCA. The daughter of my old friend Archdeacon Daffodil +Donkin, whose sermons are read to me every evening after dinner. +I never forget a face. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You knew all along! + +THE INCA [bitterly, throwing himself into his chair]. And you +supposed that I, who have been condemned to the society of +princesses all my wretched life, believed for a moment that any +princess that ever walked could have your intelligence! + +ERMYNTRUDE. How clever of you, Sir! But you cannot afford to +marry me. + +THE INCA [springing up]. Why not? + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are too poor. You have to eat war bread. Kings +nowadays belong to the poorer classes. The King of England does +not even allow himself wine at dinner. + +THE INCA [delighted]. Haw! Ha ha! Haw! haw! [He is convulsed with +laughter, and ,finally has to relieve his feelings by waltzing +half round the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. You may laugh, Sir; but I really could not live in +that style. I am the widow of a millionaire, ruined by your +little war. + +THE INCA. A millionaire! What are millionaires now, with the +world crumbling? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Excuse me: mine was a hyphenated millionaire. + +THE INCA. A highfalutin millionaire, you mean. [Chuckling]. Haw! +ha ha! really very nearly a pun, that. [He sits down in her +chair.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [revolted, sinking into his chair]. I think it quite +the worst pun I ever heard. + +THE INCA. The best puns have all been made years ago: nothing +remained but to achieve the worst. However, madam [he rises +majestically; and she is about to rise also]. No: I prefer a +seated audience [she falls back into her seat at the imperious +wave of his hand]. So [he clicks his heels]. Madam, I recognize +my presumption in having sought the honor of your hand. As you +say, I cannot afford it. Victorious as I am, I am hopelessly +bankrupt; and the worst of it is, I am intelligent enough to know +it. And I shall be beaten in consequence, because my most +implacable enemy, though only a few months further away from +bankruptcy than myself, has not a ray of intelligence, and will +go on fighting until civilization is destroyed, unless I, out of +sheer pity for the world, condescend to capitulate. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The sooner the better, Sir. Many fine young men are +dying while you wait. + +THE INCA [flinching painfully]. Why? Why do they do it? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Because you make them. + +THE INCA. Stuff! How can I? I am only one man; and they are +millions. Do you suppose they would really kill each other if +they didn't want to, merely for the sake of my beautiful eyes? Do +not be deceived by newspaper claptrap, madam. I was swept away by +a passion not my own, which imposed itself on me. By myself I am +nothing. I dare not walk down the principal street of my own +capital in a coat two years old, though the sweeper of that +street can wear one ten years old. You talk of death as an +unpopular thing. You are wrong: for years I gave them art, +literature, science, prosperity, that they might live more +abundantly; and they hated me, ridiculed me, caricatured +me. Now that I give them death in its frightfullest forms, they +are devoted to me. If you doubt me, ask those who for years have +begged our taxpayers in vain for a few paltry thousands to spend +on Life: on the bodies and minds of the nation's children, on the +beauty and healthfulness of its cities, on the honor and comfort +of its worn-out workers. They refused: and because they refused, +death is let loose on them. They grudged a few hundreds a year +for their salvation: they now pay millions a day for their own +destruction and damnation. And this they call my doing! Let them +say it, if they dare, before the judgment-seat at which they and +I shall answer at last for what we have left undone no less than +for what we have done. [Pulling himself together suddenly.] +Madam, I have the honor to be your most obedient [he clicks his +heels and bows]. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Sir! [She curtsies.] + +THE INCA [turning at the door]. Oh, by the way, there is a +princess, isn't there, somewhere on the premises? + +ERMYNTRUDE. There is. Shall I fetch her? + +THE INCA [dubious], Pretty awful, I suppose, eh? + +ERMYNTRUDE. About the usual thing. + +THE INCA [sighing]. Ah well! What can one expect? I don't think I +need trouble her personally. Will you explain to her about the +boys? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am afraid the explanation will fall rather flat +without your magnetism. + +THE INCA [returning to her and speaking very humanly]. You are +making fun of me. Why does everybody make fun of me? Is it fair? + +ERMYNTRUDE [seriously]. Yes, it is fair. What other defence have +we poor common people against your shining armor, your mailed +fist, your pomp and parade, your terrible power over us? Are +these things fair? + +THE INCA. Ah, well, perhaps, perhaps. [He looks at his watch.] By +the way, there is time for a drive round the town and a cup of +tea at the Zoo. Quite a bearable band there: it does not play any +patriotic airs. I am sorry you will not listen to any more +permanent arrangement; but if you would care to come-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [eagerly]. Ratherrrrrr. I shall be delighted. + +THE INCA [cautiously]. In the strictest honor, you understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't be afraid. I promise to refuse any incorrect +proposals. + +THE INCA [enchanted]. Oh! Charming woman: how well you understand +men! + +He offers her his arm: they go out together. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Inca of Perusalem, by Bernard Shaw + diff --git a/old/incap10.zip b/old/incap10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..987b0f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/incap10.zip |