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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3486-8.txt b/3486-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ffda78 --- /dev/null +++ b/3486-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1471 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Inca of Perusalem + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Posting Date: February 5, 2009 [EBook #3486] +Release Date: October, 2002 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol + + + + + +THE INCA OF PERUSALEM: AN ALMOST HISTORICAL COMEDIETTA + +By George Bernard Shaw + + + +I must remind the reader that this playlet was written when its +principal character, far from being a fallen foe and virtually a +prisoner in our victorious hands, was still the Caesar whose legions +we were resisting with our hearts in our mouths. Many were so horribly +afraid of him that they could not forgive me for not being afraid of +him: I seemed to be trifling heartlessly with a deadly peril. I knew +better; and I have represented Caesar as knowing better himself. But +it was one of the quaintnesses of popular feeling during the war that +anyone who breathed the slightest doubt of the absolute perfection of +German organization, the Machiavellian depth of German diplomacy, the +omniscience of German science, the equipment of every German with a +complete philosophy of history, and the consequent hopelessness +of overcoming so magnificently accomplished an enemy except by the +sacrifice of every recreative activity to incessant and vehement war +work, including a heartbreaking mass of fussing and cadging and bluffing +that did nothing but waste our energies and tire our resolution, was +called a pro-German. + +Now that this is all over, and the upshot of the fighting has shown that +we could quite well have afforded to laugh at the doomed Inca, I am in +another difficulty. I may be supposed to be hitting Caesar when he is +down. That is why I preface the play with this reminder that when it +was written he was not down. To make quite sure, I have gone through the +proof sheets very carefully, and deleted everything that could possibly +be mistaken for a foul blow. I have of course maintained the ancient +privilege of comedy to chasten Caesar's foibles by laughing at them, +whilst introducing enough obvious and outrageous fiction to relieve both +myself and my model from the obligations and responsibilities of sober +history and biography. But I should certainly put the play in the fire +instead of publishing it if it contained a word against our defeated +enemy that I would not have written in 1913. + +The Inca of Perusalem was performed for the first time in England by +the Pioneer Players at the Criterion Theatre, London, on 16th December, +1917, with Gertrude Kingston as Ermyntrude, Helen Morris as the +Princess, Nigel Playfair as the waiter, Alfred Drayton as the hotel +manager, C. Wordley Hulse as the Archdeacon, and Randle Ayrton as the +Inca. + + + + +PROLOGUE + +The tableau curtains are closed. An English archdeacon comes through +them in a condition of extreme irritation. He speaks through the +curtains to someone behind them. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Once for all, Ermyntrude, I cannot afford to maintain +you in your present extravagance. [He goes to a flight of steps +leading to the stalls and sits down disconsolately on the top step. A +fashionably dressed lady comes through the curtains and contemplates him +with patient obstinacy. He continues, grumbling.] An English clergyman's +daughter should be able to live quite respectably and comfortably on an +allowance of £150 a year, wrung with great difficulty from the domestic +budget. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are not a common clergyman: you are an archdeacon. + +THE ARCHDEACON [angrily]. That does not affect my emoluments to the +extent of enabling me to support a daughter whose extravagance would +disgrace a royal personage. [Scrambling to his feet and scolding at +her.] What do you mean by it, Miss? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh really, father! Miss! Is that the way to talk to a widow? + +THE ARCHDEACON. Is that the way to talk to a father? Your marriage was +a most disastrous imprudence. It gave you habits that are absolutely +beyond your means--I mean beyond my means: you have no means. Why did +you not marry Matthews: the best curate I ever had? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wanted to; and you wouldn't let me. You insisted on my +marrying Roosenhonkers-Pipstein. + +THE ARCHDEACON. I had to do the best for you, my child. +Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How did you know he was a millionaire? + +THE ARCHDEACON. He came from America. Of course he was a millionaire. +Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had fifteen million dollars +when you married him. + +ERYNTRUDE. His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen millions when +he died. He was a millionaire to the last. + +THE ARCHDEACON. O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing the knee +to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty thousand dollars +a year it secured to you, as we all thought. Only half the securities +could be called speculative. The other half were gilt-edged. What has +become of it all? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The speculative ones were not paid up; and the gilt-edged +ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show burst up. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Ermyntrude: what expressions! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what +expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short of it is +that I can't live in the squalid way you are accustomed to. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Squalid! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I have formed habits of comfort. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Comfort!! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. Call it +what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred thousand dollars +a year to run is intolerable to me. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Then, my dear, you had better become lady's maid to a +princess until you can find another millionaire to marry you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the curtains.] + +THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The lights are +lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. [He descends the +steps into the auditorium and makes for the door, grumbling all the +time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! [Barking.] Worthlessness!! +[Muttering.] I will not bear it any longer. Dresses, hats, furs, +gloves, motor rides: one bill after another: money going like water. No +restraint, no self-control, no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! +[Muttering again.] Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty +world! But I simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash +my hands of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any +good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner that +is understood by everybody the better for all par---- [He is by this +time out of hearing in the corridor.] + + + + +THE PLAY + +A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. Two +chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The fireplace +has a mirror in the mantelpiece. + +A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the hotel +manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional habit, but +treating his customer with a condescending affability which sails very +close to the east wind of insolence. + +THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness on the +first floor. + +THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it. This +is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. + +THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well. + +She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits down. + +THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less noise; +and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, there is the +telephone-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone is so +difficult: I am not accustomed to it. + +THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I might--if +it would not be too much trouble. + +He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her chair, +terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the instrument. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It rings +again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She retreats hastily. +It rings repeatedly. She runs to it in desperation and puts the receiver +to her ear.] Who is there? What do I do? I am not used to the telephone: +I don't know how--What! Oh, I can hear you speaking quite distinctly. +[She sits down, delighted, and settles herself for a conversation.] How +wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I know. Yes, please, +send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch yet? Oh no: please +don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't matter. Thank you. What? +Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea--am I to hang it up just as it +was? Thank you. [She hangs it up.] + +Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a long +straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She comes to the end +of the table opposite to that at which the Princess is seated. + +THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the telephone: and +I heard quite well, though I have never ventured before. Won't you sit +down? + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's maid. I +understood you wanted one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so unpatriotic +to want anything now, on account of the war, you know. I sent my +maid away as a public duty; and now she has married a soldier and is +expecting a war baby. But I don't know how to do without her. I've tried +my very best; but somehow it doesn't answer: everybody cheats me; and +in the end it isn't any saving. So I've made up my mind to sell my piano +and have a maid. That will be a real saving, because I really don't care +a bit for music, though of course one has to pretend to. Don't you think +so? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be more +correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of kindness to +me, as I am out of place. + +THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er--you won't mind my +asking, will you?--how did you lose your place? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The war, Your Highness, the war. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of grief]. My +poor mistress-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So tactless +of me to mention it. + +ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears]. Your +Highness is too good. + +THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach such +importance to that. + +ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know--I shall. + +THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle. He is +very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a maid I liked +very much; but he sent her away the very first time. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done it +before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was so truly +contrite and nice about it. + +ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a rather +improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her. + +ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have been. I +wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that out. I hope you +are not too sharp. + +ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She produces some +letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no doubt. I have +one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.] + +THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How curious! + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have first-rate +testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter. + +THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every respect +a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he could +possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, of +course; but do you think I ought to? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most decidedly. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite right. +You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages--er--? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your Highness +need not make any change. + +THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had such a +number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to raise +her wages again and again. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and I have +no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own dresses at +balls. + +THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle +can't object to that, can he? + +ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me about +it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle about +matters of business. + +THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I should like +to set about my duties immediately. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I-- + +A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. + +ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it]. How +long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? + +THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter. + +THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam, +believe me. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here. + +THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager? + +ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you +treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is +this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your +cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were +flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea +at once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a +civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on +commercial travellers. + +THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. Two +years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was crowded with +the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie from nine to +six every day. But the war came; and my patients were ordered to give +up their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept their week-end +hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a waiter. +[He puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and +automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the +teapot's pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife +of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can +you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a +second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to +complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our miseries +nev---- [the manager enters]. Oh Lord! here he is. [The waiter withdraws +abjectly, taking the tea tray with him.] + +THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent +inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture +to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your +presence. + +THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way? + +ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down +forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her Highness +will require this room for twenty minutes. + +THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment +in a respectable hotel. + +THE MANAGER. I do not understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a +room on the second floor? + +THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At +least-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least? + +THE MANAGER. It is occupied. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not +occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen +express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor +who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5 francs a +bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same +hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the +best rooms. + +THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her +Highness was at all particular. + +ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's graciousness. You +impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog. +You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a +waiter. But don't think you can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and +I know the ladies' maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe +and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the +second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate +with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust off my +feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once. + +THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness believe this +of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me? + +THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I only +meant-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her Highness +is going to do the work of teaching you your place herself, instead of +leaving it to her maid. + +THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish is to +make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the war, all royal +personages now practise a rigid economy, and desire us to treat them +like their poorest subjects. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but don't +do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that suite on the +first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. And turn on the +heating apparatus until the temperature in the rooms is comfortably +warm. And have hot water put in all the bedrooms-- + +THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps. + +ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we must put up +with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang and guggle +all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I know. + +THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle. + +ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not pleased I'm +not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There is nothing +more, thank you. + +The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to the +Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to Ermyntrude; +and goes out. + +THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage? + +ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your Highness can +leave all unpleasant people to me. + +THE PRINCESS. How I wish I could! The most dreadful thing of all I have +to go through myself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Dare I ask what it is, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. I'm going to be married. I'm to be met here and married to +a man I never saw. A boy! A boy who never saw me! One of the sons of the +Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Indeed? Which son? + +THE PRINCESS. I don't know. They haven't settled which. It's a dreadful +thing to be a princess: they just marry you to anyone they like. The +Inca is to come and look at me, and pick out whichever of his sons he +thinks will suit. And then I shall be an alien enemy everywhere except +in Perusalem, because the Inca has made war on everybody. And I shall +have to pretend that everybody has made war on him. It's too bad. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Still, a husband is a husband. I wish I had one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, how can you say that! I'm afraid you're not a nice +woman. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Your Highness is provided for. I'm not. + +THE PRINCESS. Even if you could bear to let a man touch you, you +shouldn't say so. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall not say so again, Your Highness, except perhaps to +the man. + +THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be so +coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that you know +more about men than you should. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I ought to +have known you would not have spoken like that if you were not married. +That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so sorry. + +The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak. + +THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf of the +Inca of Perusalem. + +THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what shall +I do? + +THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. Captain +Duval. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca himself, +incognito. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. I'm not +properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: he would order +me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call tomorrow: say I'm ill +in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you must get rid of him somehow. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highness, and perfectly capable +of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the matter. [To the +Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and then show Captain Duval +in here. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. Ermyntrude, +noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the table, runs after +her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, if I must have one of his +sons, I should like a fair one that doesn't shave, with soft hair and a +beard. I couldn't bear being kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, +the Manager bowing as she passes. He follows her.] + +Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself swiftly +into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with a large jewel +case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca. + +THE MANAGER. Captain Duval. + +The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and imposing stage +walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a gesture to place the +jewel case on the table; dismisses him with a frown; touches his helmet +graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes off his cloak. + +THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to speak to me +without ceremony. + +ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I hadn't the +slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. [She sits down: a +liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I am quite at a loss to +imagine why I should treat a perfect stranger named Duval: a captain! +almost a subaltern! with the smallest ceremony. + +THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my position. + +ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down. + +THE INCA [frowning.] What! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down. + +THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business? + +THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst? + +THE INCA. Precisely. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him the +Allerhochst. + +THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking? + +THE INCA. I--er. Er--I. I--er. I am not a good judge. + +ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously. + +THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to his +family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine, +half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose +duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself +otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable +offence--severely punishable--in Perusalem. It is called +Incadisparagement. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh? + +THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] Ha ha! +Ha ha ha! + +ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask could +you laugh. + +THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that! +[He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more agreeable +person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot help it. I am +amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I admit. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business? + +THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into +solemnity.] I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note +of your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to +present you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty's regard. +I do consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and +presents it.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must have! I +can't wear that. + +THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed by the +Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the centre, the shield +of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions represent the ten castles +of His Majesty. The rim is a piece of the telephone cable laid by His +Majesty across the Shipskeel canal. The pin is a model in miniature of +the sword of Henry the Birdcatcher. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My good man, +you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as big as a turtle. +[He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much did it cost? + +THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million Perusalem +dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work of art. As such, +it is now worth probably ten million dollars. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy +something nice with the money. + +THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be exhibited +for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings himself into his +chair, fuming.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it to save +himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will get his money +back. Nobody would buy it, you know. + +THE INCA. May I ask why? + +ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you! + +THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have to +report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He rises +sulkily.] The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is not compatible +with the tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take back the brooch.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the brooch]. +Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me on behalf of the +Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was satisfactory. + +THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not allow +his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and you were the +only other human being on it [he strides up the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the table]. +How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It would have to +be quite morganatic. + +THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the mouth of +a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You have the morals +of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of laughter. He struggles +with his sense of humor.] At the same time [he sits down] there is a +certain coarse fun in the idea which compels me to smile [he turns up +his moustache and smiles.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make the Inca +order you to cut off that moustache. It is too irresistible. Doesn't it +fascinate everyone in Perusalem? + +THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the thunders of +Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your modesty. + +THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool. + +ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well! + +THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an exact +copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy itself with +the Inca's moustache or does it not? Does it ever occupy itself with +anything else? If that is the truth, does its recognition constitute +the Inca a coxcomb? Other potentates have moustaches: even beards +and moustaches. Does the world occupy itself with those beards and +moustaches? Do the hawkers in the streets of every capital on the +civilized globe sell ingenious cardboard representations of their faces +on which, at the pulling of a simple string, the moustaches turn up and +down, so--[he makes his moustache turn, up and down several times]? No! +I say No. The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has +made his face the political barometer of the whole continent. When that +moustache goes up, culture rises with it. Not what you call culture; +but Kultur, a word so much more significant that I hardly understand +it myself except when I am in specially good form. When it goes down, +millions of men perish. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You know, if I had a moustache like that, it would turn my +head. I should go mad. Are you quite sure the Inca isn't mad? + +THE INCA. How can he be mad, madam? What is sanity? The condition of the +Inca's mind. What is madness? The condition of the people who disagree +with the Inca. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that ridiculous +brooch. + +THE INCA. No, madam: you are only an idiot. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Thank you. + +THE INCA. Mark you: It is not to be expected that you should see eye to +eye with the Inca. That would be presumption. It is for you to accept +without question or demur the assurance of your Inca that the brooch is +a masterpiece. + +ERMYNTRUDE. MY Inca! Oh, come! I like that. He is not my Inca yet. + +THE INCA. He is everybody's Inca, madam. His realm will yet extend to +the confines of the habitable earth. It is his divine right; and let +those who dispute it look to themselves. Properly speaking, all those +who are now trying to shake his world predominance are not at war with +him, but in rebellion against him. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, he started it, you know. + +THE INCA. Madam, be just. When the hunters surround the lion, the lion +will spring. The Inca had kept the peace of years. Those who attacked +him were steeped in blood, black blood, white blood, brown blood, yellow +blood, blue blood. The Inca had never shed a drop. + +ERMYNTRUDE. He had only talked. + +THE INCA. Only TALKED! ONLY talked! What is more glorious than talk? Can +anyone in the world talk like him? Madam, when he signed the declaration +of war, he said to his foolish generals and admirals, 'Gentlemen, you +will all be sorry for this.' And they are. They know now that they had +better have relied on the sword of the spirit: in other words, on their +Inca's talk, than on their murderous cannons. The world will one day do +justice to the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his +tongue and his moustache. While he talked: talked just as I am talking +now to you, simply, quietly, sensibly, but GREATLY, there was peace; +there was prosperity; Perusalem went from success to success. He has +been silenced for a year by the roar of trinitrotoluene and the bluster +of fools; and the world is in ruins. What a tragedy! [He is convulsed +with grief.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Captain Duval, I don't want to be unsympathetic; but suppose +we get back to business. + +THE INCA. Business! What business? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, MY business. You want me to marry one of the Inca's +sons: I forget which. + +THE INCA. As far as I can recollect the name, it is His Imperial +Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef Alexander +Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. Oh, please, please, mayn't I have one with a +shorter name? What is he called at home? + +THE INCA. He is usually called Sonny, madam. [With great charm of +manner.] But you will please understand that the Inca has no desire to +pin you to any particular son. There is Chips and Spots and Lulu and +Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack Johnson the Second, +all unmarried. At least not seriously married: nothing, in short, that +cannot be arranged. They are all at your service. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Are they all as clever and charming as their father? + +THE INCA [lifts his eyebrows pityingly; shrugs his shoulders; then, +with indulgent paternal contempt]. Excellent lads, madam. Very honest +affectionate creatures. I have nothing against them. Pongo imitates +farmyard sounds--cock crowing and that sort of thing--extremely well. +Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on the mouth organ really +screamingly. Chips keeps owls and rabbits. Spots motor bicycles. The +Corsair commands canal barges and steers them himself. The Piffler +writes plays, and paints most abominably. Jack Johnson trims ladies' +hats, and boxes with professionals hired for that purpose. He is +invariably victorious. Yes: they all have their different little +talents. And also, of course, their family resemblances. For example, +they all smoke; they all quarrel with one another; and they none of them +appreciate their father, who, by the way, is no mean painter, though the +Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Quite a large choice, eh? + +THE INCA. But very little to choose, believe me. I should not recommend +Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has been necessary to +build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the royal family would get no +sleep. But any of the others would suit equally well--if you are really +bent on marrying one of them. + +ERMYNTRUDE. If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of them. I +thought you wanted me to. + +THE INCA. I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you are not +quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I doubt whether +any of these young degenerates would make you happy. I trust I am not +showing any want of natural feeling when I say that from the point of +view of a lively, accomplished, and beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] +they might pall after a time. I suggest that you might prefer the Inca +himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be of +any interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and most +far-reaching intellects in the world? + +TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, madam? Can +you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who is not a born +fool? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von Cockpits-- + +THE INCA [rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von +Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before three weeks +are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the man in the moon. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But General Von Schinkenburg-- + +THE INCA. Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius for +defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is invincible. But +what is the good of that? The world does not consist of market gardens. +Turn him loose in pasture and he is lost. The Inca has defeated all +these generals again and again at manoeuvres; and yet he has to +give place to them in the field because he would be blamed for every +disaster--accused of sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why +do they call him vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not +afraid to live. Why do they call themselves brave? Because they have +not sense enough to be afraid to die. Within the last year the world +has produced millions of heroes. Has it produced more than one Inca? [He +resumes his seat.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Fortunately not, Captain. I'd rather marry Chips. + +THE INCA [making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn't marry Chips. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Why? + +THE INCA [whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, what about Snooks? + +THE INCA. Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are so +many--[wearily] so many--that I often forget. [Casually.] But I wouldn't +marry him, anyhow, if I were you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius? Surely, +if Providence has entrusted them with the care of Perusalem--if they are +all descended from Bedrock the Great-- + +THE INCA [interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I +consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch. + +ERMYNTRUDE [shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement. + +THE INCA. I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between ourselves, I +do not believe all this about Providence entrusting the care of sixty +million human beings to the abilities of Chips and the Piffler and Jack +Johnson. I believe in individual genius. That is the Inca's secret. It +must be. Why, hang it all, madam, if it were a mere family matter, the +Inca's uncle would have been as great a man as the Inca. And--well, +everybody knows what the Inca's uncle was. + +ERMYNTRUDE. My experience is that the relatives of men of genius are +always the greatest duffers imaginable. + +THE INCA. Precisely. That is what proves that the Inca is a man of +genius. His relatives ARE duffers. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But bless my soul, Captain, if all the Inca's generals are +incapables, and all his relatives duffers, Perusalem will be beaten in +the war; and then it will become a republic, like France after 1871, and +the Inca will be sent to St Helena. + +THE INCA [triumphantly]. That is just what the Inca is playing for, +madam. It is why he consented to the war. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! + +THE INCA. Aha! The fools talk of crushing the Inca; but they little know +their man. Tell me this. Why did St Helena extinguish Napoleon? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I give it up. + +THE INCA. Because, madam, with certain rather remarkable qualities, +which I should be the last to deny, Napoleon lacked versatility. After +all, any fool can be a soldier: we know that only too well in Perusalem, +where every fool is a soldier. But the Inca has a thousand other +resources. He is an architect. Well, St Helena presents an unlimited +field to the architect. He is a painter: need I remind you that St +Helena is still without a National Gallery? He is a composer: Napoleon +left no symphonies in St Helena. Send the Inca to St Helena, madam, +and the world will crowd thither to see his works as they crowd now to +Athens to see the Acropolis, to Madrid to see the pictures of Velasquez, +to Bayreuth to see the music dramas of that egotistical old rebel +Richard Wagner, who ought to have been shot before he was forty, as +indeed he very nearly was. Take this from me: hereditary monarchs are +played out: the age for men of genius has come: the career is open to +the talents: before ten years have elapsed every civilized country from +the Carpathians to the Rocky Mountains will be a Republic. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then goodbye to the Inca. + +THE INCA. On the contrary, madam, the Inca will then have his first real +chance. He will be unanimously invited by those Republics to return from +his exile and act as Superpresident of all the republics. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But won't that be a come-down for him? Think of it! after +being Inca, to be a mere President! + +THE INCA. Well, why not! An Inca can do nothing. He is tied hand and +foot. A constitutional monarch is openly called an India-rubber stamp. +An emperor is a puppet. The Inca is not allowed to make a speech: he +is compelled to take up a screed of flatulent twaddle written by +some noodle of a minister and read it aloud. But look at the American +President! He is the Allerhochst, if you like. No, madam, believe me, +there is nothing like Democracy, American Democracy. Give the people +voting papers: good long voting papers, American fashion; and while the +people are reading the voting papers the Government does what it likes. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! You too worship before the statue of Liberty, like the +Americans? + +THE INCA. Not at all, madam. The Americans do not worship the statue +of Liberty. They have erected it in the proper place for a statue of +Liberty: on its tomb [he turns down his moustaches.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [laughing]. Oh! You'd better not let them hear you say that, +Captain. + +THE INCA. Quite safe, madam: they would take it as a joke. [He rises.] +And now, prepare yourself for a surprise. [She rises]. A shock. Brace +yourself. Steel yourself. And do not be afraid. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Whatever on earth can you be going to tell me, Captain? + +THE INCA. Madam, I am no captain. I-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are the Inca in disguise. + +THE INCA. Good heavens! how do you know that? Who has betrayed me? + +ERMYNTRUDE. How could I help divining it, Sir? Who is there in the world +like you? Your magnetism-- + +THE INCA. True: I had forgotten my magnetism. But you know now that +beneath the trappings of Imperial Majesty there is a Man: simple, frank, +modest, unaffected, colloquial: a sincere friend, a natural human being, +a genial comrade, one eminently calculated to make a woman happy. You, +on the other hand, are the most charming woman I have ever met. Your +conversation is wonderful. I have sat here almost in silence, listening +to your shrewd and penetrating account of my character, my motives, if I +may say so, my talents. Never has such justice been done me: never have +I experienced such perfect sympathy. Will you--I hardly know how to put +this--will you be mine? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Sir, you are married. + +THE INCA. I am prepared to embrace the Mahometan faith, which allows a +man four wives, if you will consent. It will please the Turks. But I had +rather you did not mention it to the Inca-ess. If you don't mind. + +ERMYNTRUDE. This is really charming of you. But the time has come for +me to make a revelation. It is your Imperial Majesty's turn now to brace +yourself. To steel yourself. I am not the princess. I am-- + +THE INCA. The daughter of my old friend Archdeacon Daffodil Donkin, +whose sermons are read to me every evening after dinner. I never forget +a face. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You knew all along! + +THE INCA [bitterly, throwing himself into his chair]. And you supposed +that I, who have been condemned to the society of princesses all my +wretched life, believed for a moment that any princess that ever walked +could have your intelligence! + +ERMYNTRUDE. How clever of you, Sir! But you cannot afford to marry me. + +THE INCA [springing up]. Why not? + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are too poor. You have to eat war bread. Kings nowadays +belong to the poorer classes. The King of England does not even allow +himself wine at dinner. + +THE INCA [delighted]. Haw! Ha ha! Haw! haw! [He is convulsed with +laughter, and, finally has to relieve his feelings by waltzing half round +the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. You may laugh, Sir; but I really could not live in that +style. I am the widow of a millionaire, ruined by your little war. + +THE INCA. A millionaire! What are millionaires now, with the world +crumbling? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Excuse me: mine was a hyphenated millionaire. + +THE INCA. A highfalutin millionaire, you mean. [Chuckling]. Haw! ha ha! +really very nearly a pun, that. [He sits down in her chair.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [revolted, sinking into his chair]. I think it quite the +worst pun I ever heard. + +THE INCA. The best puns have all been made years ago: nothing remained +but to achieve the worst. However, madam [he rises majestically; and she +is about to rise also]. No: I prefer a seated audience [she falls back +into her seat at the imperious wave of his hand]. So [he clicks his +heels]. Madam, I recognize my presumption in having sought the honor +of your hand. As you say, I cannot afford it. Victorious as I am, I am +hopelessly bankrupt; and the worst of it is, I am intelligent enough +to know it. And I shall be beaten in consequence, because my most +implacable enemy, though only a few months further away from bankruptcy +than myself, has not a ray of intelligence, and will go on fighting +until civilization is destroyed, unless I, out of sheer pity for the +world, condescend to capitulate. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The sooner the better, Sir. Many fine young men are dying +while you wait. + +THE INCA [flinching painfully]. Why? Why do they do it? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Because you make them. + +THE INCA. Stuff! How can I? I am only one man; and they are millions. +Do you suppose they would really kill each other if they didn't want +to, merely for the sake of my beautiful eyes? Do not be deceived by +newspaper claptrap, madam. I was swept away by a passion not my own, +which imposed itself on me. By myself I am nothing. I dare not walk down +the principal street of my own capital in a coat two years old, though +the sweeper of that street can wear one ten years old. You talk of +death as an unpopular thing. You are wrong: for years I gave them art, +literature, science, prosperity, that they might live more abundantly; +and they hated me, ridiculed me, caricatured me. Now that I give them +death in its frightfullest forms, they are devoted to me. If you doubt +me, ask those who for years have begged our taxpayers in vain for a +few paltry thousands to spend on Life: on the bodies and minds of the +nation's children, on the beauty and healthfulness of its cities, on +the honor and comfort of its worn-out workers. They refused: and because +they refused, death is let loose on them. They grudged a few hundreds +a year for their salvation: they now pay millions a day for their own +destruction and damnation. And this they call my doing! Let them say it, +if they dare, before the judgment-seat at which they and I shall answer +at last for what we have left undone no less than for what we have done. +[Pulling himself together suddenly.] Madam, I have the honor to be your +most obedient [he clicks his heels and bows]. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Sir! [She curtsies.] + +THE INCA [turning at the door]. Oh, by the way, there is a princess, +isn't there, somewhere on the premises? + +ERMYNTRUDE. There is. Shall I fetch her? + +THE INCA [dubious], Pretty awful, I suppose, eh? + +ERMYNTRUDE. About the usual thing. + +THE INCA [sighing]. Ah well! What can one expect? I don't think I need +trouble her personally. Will you explain to her about the boys? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am afraid the explanation will fall rather flat without +your magnetism. + +THE INCA [returning to her and speaking very humanly]. You are making +fun of me. Why does everybody make fun of me? Is it fair? + +ERMYNTRUDE [seriously]. Yes, it is fair. What other defence have we poor +common people against your shining armor, your mailed fist, your pomp +and parade, your terrible power over us? Are these things fair? + +THE INCA. Ah, well, perhaps, perhaps. [He looks at his watch.] By the +way, there is time for a drive round the town and a cup of tea at the +Zoo. Quite a bearable band there: it does not play any patriotic airs. +I am sorry you will not listen to any more permanent arrangement; but if +you would care to come-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [eagerly]. Ratherrrrrr. I shall be delighted. + +THE INCA [cautiously]. In the strictest honor, you understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't be afraid. I promise to refuse any incorrect +proposals. + +THE INCA [enchanted]. Oh! Charming woman: how well you understand men! + +He offers her his arm: they go out together. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + +***** This file should be named 3486-8.txt or 3486-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/8/3486/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/3486-8.zip b/3486-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4a8a39 --- /dev/null +++ b/3486-8.zip diff --git a/3486-h.zip b/3486-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..173bcca --- /dev/null +++ b/3486-h.zip diff --git a/3486-h/3486-h.htm b/3486-h/3486-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3857a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/3486-h/3486-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1874 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Inca of Perusalem: an Almost Historical Comedietta, by George Bernard + Shaw + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { text-align:justify} + P { margin:10%; + text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; } + hr.full { width: 100%; } + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + .play { margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; text-align: justify; } + img {border: 0;} + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 1%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: left; + color: gray; + } /* page numbers */ + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 1%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; + margin: 15%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 5%; margin-bottom: .75em; font-size: 100%;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 5%;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 20%;} + // +</style> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Inca of Perusalem + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Release Date: February 5, 2009 [EBook #3486] +Last Updated: December 10, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE INCA OF PERUSALEM: <br /><br /> AN ALMOST HISTORICAL COMEDIETTA + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By George Bernard Shaw + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + I must remind the reader that this playlet was written when its principal + character, far from being a fallen foe and virtually a prisoner in our + victorious hands, was still the Caesar whose legions we were resisting + with our hearts in our mouths. Many were so horribly afraid of him that + they could not forgive me for not being afraid of him: I seemed to be + trifling heartlessly with a deadly peril. I knew better; and I have + represented Caesar as knowing better himself. But it was one of the + quaintnesses of popular feeling during the war that anyone who breathed + the slightest doubt of the absolute perfection of German organization, the + Machiavellian depth of German diplomacy, the omniscience of German + science, the equipment of every German with a complete philosophy of + history, and the consequent hopelessness of overcoming so magnificently + accomplished an enemy except by the sacrifice of every recreative activity + to incessant and vehement war work, including a heartbreaking mass of + fussing and cadging and bluffing that did nothing but waste our energies + and tire our resolution, was called a pro-German. + </p> + <p> + Now that this is all over, and the upshot of the fighting has shown that + we could quite well have afforded to laugh at the doomed Inca, I am in + another difficulty. I may be supposed to be hitting Caesar when he is + down. That is why I preface the play with this reminder that when it was + written he was not down. To make quite sure, I have gone through the proof + sheets very carefully, and deleted everything that could possibly be + mistaken for a foul blow. I have of course maintained the ancient + privilege of comedy to chasten Caesar's foibles by laughing at them, + whilst introducing enough obvious and outrageous fiction to relieve both + myself and my model from the obligations and responsibilities of sober + history and biography. But I should certainly put the play in the fire + instead of publishing it if it contained a word against our defeated enemy + that I would not have written in 1913. + </p> + <p> + The Inca of Perusalem was performed for the first time in England by the + Pioneer Players at the Criterion Theatre, London, on 16th December, 1917, + with Gertrude Kingston as Ermyntrude, Helen Morris as the Princess, Nigel + Playfair as the waiter, Alfred Drayton as the hotel manager, C. Wordley + Hulse as the Archdeacon, and Randle Ayrton as the Inca. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PROL"> PROLOGUE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE PLAY </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="play"> + <a name="link2H_PROL" id="link2H_PROL"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PROLOGUE + </h2> + <p> + The tableau curtains are closed. An English archdeacon comes through + them in a condition of extreme irritation. He speaks through the + curtains to someone behind them. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Once for all, Ermyntrude, I cannot afford to maintain + you in your present extravagance. [He goes to a flight of steps leading + to the stalls and sits down disconsolately on the top step. A + fashionably dressed lady comes through the curtains and contemplates him + with patient obstinacy. He continues, grumbling.] An English clergyman's + daughter should be able to live quite respectably and comfortably on an + allowance of £150 a year, wrung with great difficulty from the domestic + budget. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You are not a common clergyman: you are an archdeacon. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON [angrily]. That does not affect my emoluments to the + extent of enabling me to support a daughter whose extravagance would + disgrace a royal personage. [Scrambling to his feet and scolding at + her.] What do you mean by it, Miss? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh really, father! Miss! Is that the way to talk to a widow? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Is that the way to talk to a father? Your marriage was a + most disastrous imprudence. It gave you habits that are absolutely + beyond your means—I mean beyond my means: you have no means. Why + did you not marry Matthews: the best curate I ever had? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I wanted to; and you wouldn't let me. You insisted on my + marrying Roosenhonkers-Pipstein. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. I had to do the best for you, my child. + Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How did you know he was a millionaire? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. He came from America. Of course he was a millionaire. + Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had fifteen million dollars + when you married him. + </p> + <p> + ERYNTRUDE. His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen millions when + he died. He was a millionaire to the last. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing the knee + to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty thousand dollars + a year it secured to you, as we all thought. Only half the securities + could be called speculative. The other half were gilt-edged. What has + become of it all? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The speculative ones were not paid up; and the gilt-edged + ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show burst up. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Ermyntrude: what expressions! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what + expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short of it is + that I can't live in the squalid way you are accustomed to. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Squalid! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I have formed habits of comfort. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Comfort!! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. Call it + what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred thousand dollars + a year to run is intolerable to me. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Then, my dear, you had better become lady's maid to a + princess until you can find another millionaire to marry you. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the curtains.] + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The lights are + lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. [He descends the + steps into the auditorium and makes for the door, grumbling all the + time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! [Barking.] Worthlessness!! + [Muttering.] I will not bear it any longer. Dresses, hats, furs, gloves, + motor rides: one bill after another: money going like water. No + restraint, no self-control, no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! + [Muttering again.] Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty + world! But I simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash my + hands of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any + good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner that + is understood by everybody the better for all par—— [He is + by this time out of hearing in the corridor.] + </p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PLAY + </h2> + <p> + A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. Two + chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The fireplace + has a mirror in the mantelpiece. + </p> + <p> + A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the hotel + manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional habit, but + treating his customer with a condescending affability which sails very + close to the east wind of insolence. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness on the + first floor. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it. This + is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe— + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well. + </p> + <p> + She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits down. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less noise; + and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, there is the + telephone— + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone is so + difficult: I am not accustomed to it. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I might—if + it would not be too much trouble. + </p> + <p> + He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her chair, + terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the instrument. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It rings + again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She retreats hastily. + It rings repeatedly. She runs to it in desperation and puts the receiver + to her ear.] Who is there? What do I do? I am not used to the telephone: + I don't know how—What! Oh, I can hear you speaking quite + distinctly. [She sits down, delighted, and settles herself for a + conversation.] How wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I + know. Yes, please, send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch + yet? Oh no: please don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't + matter. Thank you. What? Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea—am + I to hang it up just as it was? Thank you. [She hangs it up.] + </p> + <p> + Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a long + straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She comes to the end + of the table opposite to that at which the Princess is seated. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the telephone: and + I heard quite well, though I have never ventured before. Won't you sit + down? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's maid. I + understood you wanted one. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so unpatriotic + to want anything now, on account of the war, you know. I sent my maid + away as a public duty; and now she has married a soldier and is + expecting a war baby. But I don't know how to do without her. I've tried + my very best; but somehow it doesn't answer: everybody cheats me; and in + the end it isn't any saving. So I've made up my mind to sell my piano + and have a maid. That will be a real saving, because I really don't care + a bit for music, though of course one has to pretend to. Don't you think + so? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be more + correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of kindness to + me, as I am out of place. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er—you won't + mind my asking, will you?—how did you lose your place? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The war, Your Highness, the war. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of grief]. My + poor mistress— + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So tactless + of me to mention it. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears]. Your + Highness is too good. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach such + importance to that. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know—I shall. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle. He is + very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a maid I liked + very much; but he sent her away the very first time. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done it + before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was so truly + contrite and nice about it. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a rather + improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her. + </p> + <p> + ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have been. I + wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that out. I hope you + are not too sharp. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She produces some + letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no doubt. I have + one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.] + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How curious! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have first-rate + testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every respect + a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he could + possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, of + course; but do you think I ought to? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most decidedly. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite right. + You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages—er—? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your Highness + need not make any change. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had such a + number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to raise + her wages again and again. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and I have + no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own dresses at + balls. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle + can't object to that, can he? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me about it. + I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle about + matters of business. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I should like + to set about my duties immediately. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I— + </p> + <p> + A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it]. How + long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter. + </p> + <p> + THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam, + believe me. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here. + </p> + <p> + THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you + treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is + this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your + cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were + flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea at + once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a + civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on + commercial travellers. + </p> + <p> + THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. Two + years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was crowded with + the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie from nine to + six every day. But the war came; and my patients were ordered to give up + their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept their week-end + hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a waiter. [He + puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and + automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the + teapot's pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife + of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can + you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a + second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to + complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our miseries + nev—— [the manager enters]. Oh Lord! here he is. [The waiter + withdraws abjectly, taking the tea tray with him.] + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent + inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture to + ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your + presence. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down + forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her Highness + will require this room for twenty minutes. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment + in a respectable hotel. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. I do not understand. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a + room on the second floor? + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At least— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least? + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. It is occupied. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not + occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen + express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor + who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5 francs a + bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same + hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the + best rooms. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her + Highness was at all particular. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's graciousness. You + impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog. + You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a + waiter. But don't think you can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and + I know the ladies' maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe + and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the + second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate + with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust off my + feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness believe this + of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I only meant— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her Highness is + going to do the work of teaching you your place herself, instead of + leaving it to her maid. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish is to + make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the war, all royal + personages now practise a rigid economy, and desire us to treat them + like their poorest subjects. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but don't + do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that suite on the + first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. And turn on the + heating apparatus until the temperature in the rooms is comfortably + warm. And have hot water put in all the bedrooms— + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we must put up + with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang and guggle + all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I know. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not pleased I'm + not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There is nothing + more, thank you. + </p> + <p> + The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to the + Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to Ermyntrude; + and goes out. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your Highness can + leave all unpleasant people to me. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. How I wish I could! The most dreadful thing of all I have + to go through myself. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Dare I ask what it is, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I'm going to be married. I'm to be met here and married to + a man I never saw. A boy! A boy who never saw me! One of the sons of the + Inca of Perusalem. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Indeed? Which son? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I don't know. They haven't settled which. It's a dreadful + thing to be a princess: they just marry you to anyone they like. The + Inca is to come and look at me, and pick out whichever of his sons he + thinks will suit. And then I shall be an alien enemy everywhere except + in Perusalem, because the Inca has made war on everybody. And I shall + have to pretend that everybody has made war on him. It's too bad. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Still, a husband is a husband. I wish I had one. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, how can you say that! I'm afraid you're not a nice + woman. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Your Highness is provided for. I'm not. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Even if you could bear to let a man touch you, you + shouldn't say so. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I shall not say so again, Your Highness, except perhaps to + the man. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be so + coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that you know + more about men than you should. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I ought to + have known you would not have spoken like that if you were not married. + That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so sorry. + </p> + <p> + The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf of the + Inca of Perusalem. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what shall + I do? + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. Captain + Duval. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca himself, + incognito. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. I'm not + properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: he would order + me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call tomorrow: say I'm ill + in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you must get rid of him somehow. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highness, and perfectly capable + of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the matter. [To the + Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and then show Captain Duval + in here. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. Ermyntrude, + noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the table, runs after + her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, if I must have one of his + sons, I should like a fair one that doesn't shave, with soft hair and a + beard. I couldn't bear being kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, + the Manager bowing as she passes. He follows her.] + </p> + <p> + Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself swiftly + into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with a large jewel + case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Captain Duval. + </p> + <p> + The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and imposing stage + walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a gesture to place the + jewel case on the table; dismisses him with a frown; touches his helmet + graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes off his cloak. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to speak to me + without ceremony. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I hadn't the + slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. [She sits down: a + liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I am quite at a loss to + imagine why I should treat a perfect stranger named Duval: a captain! + almost a subaltern! with the smallest ceremony. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my position. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [frowning.] What! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Precisely. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him the + Allerhochst. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I—er. Er—I. I—er. I am not a good judge. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to his + family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine, + half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose + duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself + otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable + offence—severely punishable—in Perusalem. It is called + Incadisparagement. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] Ha ha! + Ha ha ha! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask could + you laugh. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that! [He + laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more agreeable + person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot help it. I am + amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I admit. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into + solemnity.] I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note of + your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to + present you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty's regard. I + do consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and + presents it.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must have! I + can't wear that. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed by the + Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the centre, the shield + of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions represent the ten castles of + His Majesty. The rim is a piece of the telephone cable laid by His + Majesty across the Shipskeel canal. The pin is a model in miniature of + the sword of Henry the Birdcatcher. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My good man, + you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as big as a turtle. + [He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much did it cost? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million Perusalem + dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work of art. As such, + it is now worth probably ten million dollars. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy + something nice with the money. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be exhibited + for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings himself into his + chair, fuming.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it to save + himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will get his money + back. Nobody would buy it, you know. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. May I ask why? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have to + report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He rises + sulkily.] The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is not compatible + with the tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take back the brooch.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the brooch]. + Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me on behalf of the + Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was satisfactory. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not allow + his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and you were the + only other human being on it [he strides up the room.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the table]. + How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It would have to + be quite morganatic. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the mouth of + a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You have the morals + of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of laughter. He struggles + with his sense of humor.] At the same time [he sits down] there is a + certain coarse fun in the idea which compels me to smile [he turns up + his moustache and smiles.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make the Inca + order you to cut off that moustache. It is too irresistible. Doesn't it + fascinate everyone in Perusalem? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the thunders of + Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your modesty. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an exact + copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy itself with + the Inca's moustache or does it not? Does it ever occupy itself with + anything else? If that is the truth, does its recognition constitute the + Inca a coxcomb? Other potentates have moustaches: even beards and + moustaches. Does the world occupy itself with those beards and + moustaches? Do the hawkers in the streets of every capital on the + civilized globe sell ingenious cardboard representations of their faces + on which, at the pulling of a simple string, the moustaches turn up and + down, so—[he makes his moustache turn, up and down several times]? + No! I say No. The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has + made his face the political barometer of the whole continent. When that + moustache goes up, culture rises with it. Not what you call culture; but + Kultur, a word so much more significant that I hardly understand it + myself except when I am in specially good form. When it goes down, + millions of men perish. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You know, if I had a moustache like that, it would turn my + head. I should go mad. Are you quite sure the Inca isn't mad? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. How can he be mad, madam? What is sanity? The condition of the + Inca's mind. What is madness? The condition of the people who disagree + with the Inca. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that ridiculous + brooch. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. No, madam: you are only an idiot. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Thank you. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Mark you: It is not to be expected that you should see eye to + eye with the Inca. That would be presumption. It is for you to accept + without question or demur the assurance of your Inca that the brooch is + a masterpiece. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. MY Inca! Oh, come! I like that. He is not my Inca yet. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. He is everybody's Inca, madam. His realm will yet extend to + the confines of the habitable earth. It is his divine right; and let + those who dispute it look to themselves. Properly speaking, all those + who are now trying to shake his world predominance are not at war with + him, but in rebellion against him. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, he started it, you know. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Madam, be just. When the hunters surround the lion, the lion + will spring. The Inca had kept the peace of years. Those who attacked + him were steeped in blood, black blood, white blood, brown blood, yellow + blood, blue blood. The Inca had never shed a drop. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. He had only talked. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Only TALKED! ONLY talked! What is more glorious than talk? Can + anyone in the world talk like him? Madam, when he signed the declaration + of war, he said to his foolish generals and admirals, 'Gentlemen, you + will all be sorry for this.' And they are. They know now that they had + better have relied on the sword of the spirit: in other words, on their + Inca's talk, than on their murderous cannons. The world will one day do + justice to the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his + tongue and his moustache. While he talked: talked just as I am talking + now to you, simply, quietly, sensibly, but GREATLY, there was peace; + there was prosperity; Perusalem went from success to success. He has + been silenced for a year by the roar of trinitrotoluene and the bluster + of fools; and the world is in ruins. What a tragedy! [He is convulsed + with grief.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Captain Duval, I don't want to be unsympathetic; but suppose + we get back to business. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Business! What business? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, MY business. You want me to marry one of the Inca's + sons: I forget which. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. As far as I can recollect the name, it is His Imperial + Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef Alexander + Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. Oh, please, please, mayn't I have one with a + shorter name? What is he called at home? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. He is usually called Sonny, madam. [With great charm of + manner.] But you will please understand that the Inca has no desire to + pin you to any particular son. There is Chips and Spots and Lulu and + Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack Johnson the Second, all + unmarried. At least not seriously married: nothing, in short, that + cannot be arranged. They are all at your service. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Are they all as clever and charming as their father? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [lifts his eyebrows pityingly; shrugs his shoulders; then, with + indulgent paternal contempt]. Excellent lads, madam. Very honest + affectionate creatures. I have nothing against them. Pongo imitates + farmyard sounds—cock crowing and that sort of thing—extremely + well. Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on the mouth organ really + screamingly. Chips keeps owls and rabbits. Spots motor bicycles. The + Corsair commands canal barges and steers them himself. The Piffler + writes plays, and paints most abominably. Jack Johnson trims ladies' + hats, and boxes with professionals hired for that purpose. He is + invariably victorious. Yes: they all have their different little + talents. And also, of course, their family resemblances. For example, + they all smoke; they all quarrel with one another; and they none of them + appreciate their father, who, by the way, is no mean painter, though the + Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Quite a large choice, eh? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. But very little to choose, believe me. I should not recommend + Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has been necessary to + build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the royal family would get no + sleep. But any of the others would suit equally well—if you are + really bent on marrying one of them. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of them. I + thought you wanted me to. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you are not + quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I doubt whether any + of these young degenerates would make you happy. I trust I am not + showing any want of natural feeling when I say that from the point of + view of a lively, accomplished, and beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] + they might pall after a time. I suggest that you might prefer the Inca + himself. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be of any + interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and most + far-reaching intellects in the world? + </p> + <p> + TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, madam? Can + you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who is not a born + fool? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von Cockpits— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von + Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before three weeks + are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the man in the moon. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But General Von Schinkenburg— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius for + defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is invincible. But + what is the good of that? The world does not consist of market gardens. + Turn him loose in pasture and he is lost. The Inca has defeated all + these generals again and again at manoeuvres; and yet he has to give + place to them in the field because he would be blamed for every disaster—accused + of sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why do they call him + vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not afraid to live. + Why do they call themselves brave? Because they have not sense enough to + be afraid to die. Within the last year the world has produced millions + of heroes. Has it produced more than one Inca? [He resumes his seat.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Fortunately not, Captain. I'd rather marry Chips. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn't marry Chips. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Why? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about himself. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, what about Snooks? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are so + many—[wearily] so many—that I often forget. [Casually.] But + I wouldn't marry him, anyhow, if I were you. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius? Surely, + if Providence has entrusted them with the care of Perusalem—if + they are all descended from Bedrock the Great— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I + consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between ourselves, I do + not believe all this about Providence entrusting the care of sixty + million human beings to the abilities of Chips and the Piffler and Jack + Johnson. I believe in individual genius. That is the Inca's secret. It + must be. Why, hang it all, madam, if it were a mere family matter, the + Inca's uncle would have been as great a man as the Inca. And—well, + everybody knows what the Inca's uncle was. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. My experience is that the relatives of men of genius are + always the greatest duffers imaginable. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Precisely. That is what proves that the Inca is a man of + genius. His relatives ARE duffers. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But bless my soul, Captain, if all the Inca's generals are + incapables, and all his relatives duffers, Perusalem will be beaten in + the war; and then it will become a republic, like France after 1871, and + the Inca will be sent to St Helena. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [triumphantly]. That is just what the Inca is playing for, + madam. It is why he consented to the war. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Aha! The fools talk of crushing the Inca; but they little know + their man. Tell me this. Why did St Helena extinguish Napoleon? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I give it up. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Because, madam, with certain rather remarkable qualities, + which I should be the last to deny, Napoleon lacked versatility. After + all, any fool can be a soldier: we know that only too well in Perusalem, + where every fool is a soldier. But the Inca has a thousand other + resources. He is an architect. Well, St Helena presents an unlimited + field to the architect. He is a painter: need I remind you that St + Helena is still without a National Gallery? He is a composer: Napoleon + left no symphonies in St Helena. Send the Inca to St Helena, madam, and + the world will crowd thither to see his works as they crowd now to + Athens to see the Acropolis, to Madrid to see the pictures of Velasquez, + to Bayreuth to see the music dramas of that egotistical old rebel + Richard Wagner, who ought to have been shot before he was forty, as + indeed he very nearly was. Take this from me: hereditary monarchs are + played out: the age for men of genius has come: the career is open to + the talents: before ten years have elapsed every civilized country from + the Carpathians to the Rocky Mountains will be a Republic. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Then goodbye to the Inca. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. On the contrary, madam, the Inca will then have his first real + chance. He will be unanimously invited by those Republics to return from + his exile and act as Superpresident of all the republics. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But won't that be a come-down for him? Think of it! after + being Inca, to be a mere President! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Well, why not! An Inca can do nothing. He is tied hand and + foot. A constitutional monarch is openly called an India-rubber stamp. + An emperor is a puppet. The Inca is not allowed to make a speech: he is + compelled to take up a screed of flatulent twaddle written by some + noodle of a minister and read it aloud. But look at the American + President! He is the Allerhochst, if you like. No, madam, believe me, + there is nothing like Democracy, American Democracy. Give the people + voting papers: good long voting papers, American fashion; and while the + people are reading the voting papers the Government does what it likes. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What! You too worship before the statue of Liberty, like the + Americans? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Not at all, madam. The Americans do not worship the statue of + Liberty. They have erected it in the proper place for a statue of + Liberty: on its tomb [he turns down his moustaches.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [laughing]. Oh! You'd better not let them hear you say that, + Captain. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Quite safe, madam: they would take it as a joke. [He rises.] + And now, prepare yourself for a surprise. [She rises]. A shock. Brace + yourself. Steel yourself. And do not be afraid. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Whatever on earth can you be going to tell me, Captain? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Madam, I am no captain. I— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You are the Inca in disguise. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Good heavens! how do you know that? Who has betrayed me? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How could I help divining it, Sir? Who is there in the world + like you? Your magnetism— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. True: I had forgotten my magnetism. But you know now that + beneath the trappings of Imperial Majesty there is a Man: simple, frank, + modest, unaffected, colloquial: a sincere friend, a natural human being, + a genial comrade, one eminently calculated to make a woman happy. You, + on the other hand, are the most charming woman I have ever met. Your + conversation is wonderful. I have sat here almost in silence, listening + to your shrewd and penetrating account of my character, my motives, if I + may say so, my talents. Never has such justice been done me: never have + I experienced such perfect sympathy. Will you—I hardly know how to + put this—will you be mine? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Sir, you are married. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I am prepared to embrace the Mahometan faith, which allows a + man four wives, if you will consent. It will please the Turks. But I had + rather you did not mention it to the Inca-ess. If you don't mind. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. This is really charming of you. But the time has come for me + to make a revelation. It is your Imperial Majesty's turn now to brace + yourself. To steel yourself. I am not the princess. I am— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. The daughter of my old friend Archdeacon Daffodil Donkin, + whose sermons are read to me every evening after dinner. I never forget + a face. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You knew all along! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [bitterly, throwing himself into his chair]. And you supposed + that I, who have been condemned to the society of princesses all my + wretched life, believed for a moment that any princess that ever walked + could have your intelligence! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How clever of you, Sir! But you cannot afford to marry me. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [springing up]. Why not? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You are too poor. You have to eat war bread. Kings nowadays + belong to the poorer classes. The King of England does not even allow + himself wine at dinner. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [delighted]. Haw! Ha ha! Haw! haw! [He is convulsed with + laughter, and, finally has to relieve his feelings by waltzing half + round the room.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You may laugh, Sir; but I really could not live in that + style. I am the widow of a millionaire, ruined by your little war. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. A millionaire! What are millionaires now, with the world + crumbling? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Excuse me: mine was a hyphenated millionaire. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. A highfalutin millionaire, you mean. [Chuckling]. Haw! ha ha! + really very nearly a pun, that. [He sits down in her chair.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [revolted, sinking into his chair]. I think it quite the + worst pun I ever heard. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. The best puns have all been made years ago: nothing remained + but to achieve the worst. However, madam [he rises majestically; and she + is about to rise also]. No: I prefer a seated audience [she falls back + into her seat at the imperious wave of his hand]. So [he clicks his + heels]. Madam, I recognize my presumption in having sought the honor of + your hand. As you say, I cannot afford it. Victorious as I am, I am + hopelessly bankrupt; and the worst of it is, I am intelligent enough to + know it. And I shall be beaten in consequence, because my most + implacable enemy, though only a few months further away from bankruptcy + than myself, has not a ray of intelligence, and will go on fighting + until civilization is destroyed, unless I, out of sheer pity for the + world, condescend to capitulate. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The sooner the better, Sir. Many fine young men are dying + while you wait. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [flinching painfully]. Why? Why do they do it? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Because you make them. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Stuff! How can I? I am only one man; and they are millions. Do + you suppose they would really kill each other if they didn't want to, + merely for the sake of my beautiful eyes? Do not be deceived by + newspaper claptrap, madam. I was swept away by a passion not my own, + which imposed itself on me. By myself I am nothing. I dare not walk down + the principal street of my own capital in a coat two years old, though + the sweeper of that street can wear one ten years old. You talk of death + as an unpopular thing. You are wrong: for years I gave them art, + literature, science, prosperity, that they might live more abundantly; + and they hated me, ridiculed me, caricatured me. Now that I give them + death in its frightfullest forms, they are devoted to me. If you doubt + me, ask those who for years have begged our taxpayers in vain for a few + paltry thousands to spend on Life: on the bodies and minds of the + nation's children, on the beauty and healthfulness of its cities, on the + honor and comfort of its worn-out workers. They refused: and because + they refused, death is let loose on them. They grudged a few hundreds a + year for their salvation: they now pay millions a day for their own + destruction and damnation. And this they call my doing! Let them say it, + if they dare, before the judgment-seat at which they and I shall answer + at last for what we have left undone no less than for what we have done. + [Pulling himself together suddenly.] Madam, I have the honor to be your + most obedient [he clicks his heels and bows]. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Sir! [She curtsies.] + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [turning at the door]. Oh, by the way, there is a princess, + isn't there, somewhere on the premises? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. There is. Shall I fetch her? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [dubious], Pretty awful, I suppose, eh? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. About the usual thing. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [sighing]. Ah well! What can one expect? I don't think I need + trouble her personally. Will you explain to her about the boys? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I am afraid the explanation will fall rather flat without + your magnetism. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [returning to her and speaking very humanly]. You are making + fun of me. Why does everybody make fun of me? Is it fair? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [seriously]. Yes, it is fair. What other defence have we poor + common people against your shining armor, your mailed fist, your pomp + and parade, your terrible power over us? Are these things fair? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Ah, well, perhaps, perhaps. [He looks at his watch.] By the + way, there is time for a drive round the town and a cup of tea at the + Zoo. Quite a bearable band there: it does not play any patriotic airs. I + am sorry you will not listen to any more permanent arrangement; but if + you would care to come— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [eagerly]. Ratherrrrrr. I shall be delighted. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [cautiously]. In the strictest honor, you understand. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Don't be afraid. I promise to refuse any incorrect + proposals. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [enchanted]. Oh! Charming woman: how well you understand men! + </p> + <p> + He offers her his arm: they go out together. + </p> + <br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + +***** This file should be named 3486-h.htm or 3486-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/8/3486/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Inca of Perusalem + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Posting Date: February 5, 2009 [EBook #3486] +Release Date: October, 2002 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol + + + + + +THE INCA OF PERUSALEM: AN ALMOST HISTORICAL COMEDIETTA + +By George Bernard Shaw + + + +I must remind the reader that this playlet was written when its +principal character, far from being a fallen foe and virtually a +prisoner in our victorious hands, was still the Caesar whose legions +we were resisting with our hearts in our mouths. Many were so horribly +afraid of him that they could not forgive me for not being afraid of +him: I seemed to be trifling heartlessly with a deadly peril. I knew +better; and I have represented Caesar as knowing better himself. But +it was one of the quaintnesses of popular feeling during the war that +anyone who breathed the slightest doubt of the absolute perfection of +German organization, the Machiavellian depth of German diplomacy, the +omniscience of German science, the equipment of every German with a +complete philosophy of history, and the consequent hopelessness +of overcoming so magnificently accomplished an enemy except by the +sacrifice of every recreative activity to incessant and vehement war +work, including a heartbreaking mass of fussing and cadging and bluffing +that did nothing but waste our energies and tire our resolution, was +called a pro-German. + +Now that this is all over, and the upshot of the fighting has shown that +we could quite well have afforded to laugh at the doomed Inca, I am in +another difficulty. I may be supposed to be hitting Caesar when he is +down. That is why I preface the play with this reminder that when it +was written he was not down. To make quite sure, I have gone through the +proof sheets very carefully, and deleted everything that could possibly +be mistaken for a foul blow. I have of course maintained the ancient +privilege of comedy to chasten Caesar's foibles by laughing at them, +whilst introducing enough obvious and outrageous fiction to relieve both +myself and my model from the obligations and responsibilities of sober +history and biography. But I should certainly put the play in the fire +instead of publishing it if it contained a word against our defeated +enemy that I would not have written in 1913. + +The Inca of Perusalem was performed for the first time in England by +the Pioneer Players at the Criterion Theatre, London, on 16th December, +1917, with Gertrude Kingston as Ermyntrude, Helen Morris as the +Princess, Nigel Playfair as the waiter, Alfred Drayton as the hotel +manager, C. Wordley Hulse as the Archdeacon, and Randle Ayrton as the +Inca. + + + + +PROLOGUE + +The tableau curtains are closed. An English archdeacon comes through +them in a condition of extreme irritation. He speaks through the +curtains to someone behind them. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Once for all, Ermyntrude, I cannot afford to maintain +you in your present extravagance. [He goes to a flight of steps +leading to the stalls and sits down disconsolately on the top step. A +fashionably dressed lady comes through the curtains and contemplates him +with patient obstinacy. He continues, grumbling.] An English clergyman's +daughter should be able to live quite respectably and comfortably on an +allowance of L150 a year, wrung with great difficulty from the domestic +budget. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are not a common clergyman: you are an archdeacon. + +THE ARCHDEACON [angrily]. That does not affect my emoluments to the +extent of enabling me to support a daughter whose extravagance would +disgrace a royal personage. [Scrambling to his feet and scolding at +her.] What do you mean by it, Miss? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh really, father! Miss! Is that the way to talk to a widow? + +THE ARCHDEACON. Is that the way to talk to a father? Your marriage was +a most disastrous imprudence. It gave you habits that are absolutely +beyond your means--I mean beyond my means: you have no means. Why did +you not marry Matthews: the best curate I ever had? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wanted to; and you wouldn't let me. You insisted on my +marrying Roosenhonkers-Pipstein. + +THE ARCHDEACON. I had to do the best for you, my child. +Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How did you know he was a millionaire? + +THE ARCHDEACON. He came from America. Of course he was a millionaire. +Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had fifteen million dollars +when you married him. + +ERYNTRUDE. His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen millions when +he died. He was a millionaire to the last. + +THE ARCHDEACON. O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing the knee +to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty thousand dollars +a year it secured to you, as we all thought. Only half the securities +could be called speculative. The other half were gilt-edged. What has +become of it all? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The speculative ones were not paid up; and the gilt-edged +ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show burst up. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Ermyntrude: what expressions! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what +expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short of it is +that I can't live in the squalid way you are accustomed to. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Squalid! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I have formed habits of comfort. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Comfort!! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. Call it +what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred thousand dollars +a year to run is intolerable to me. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Then, my dear, you had better become lady's maid to a +princess until you can find another millionaire to marry you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the curtains.] + +THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The lights are +lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. [He descends the +steps into the auditorium and makes for the door, grumbling all the +time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! [Barking.] Worthlessness!! +[Muttering.] I will not bear it any longer. Dresses, hats, furs, +gloves, motor rides: one bill after another: money going like water. No +restraint, no self-control, no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! +[Muttering again.] Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty +world! But I simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash +my hands of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any +good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner that +is understood by everybody the better for all par---- [He is by this +time out of hearing in the corridor.] + + + + +THE PLAY + +A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. Two +chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The fireplace +has a mirror in the mantelpiece. + +A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the hotel +manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional habit, but +treating his customer with a condescending affability which sails very +close to the east wind of insolence. + +THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness on the +first floor. + +THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it. This +is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. + +THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well. + +She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits down. + +THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less noise; +and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, there is the +telephone-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone is so +difficult: I am not accustomed to it. + +THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I might--if +it would not be too much trouble. + +He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her chair, +terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the instrument. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It rings +again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She retreats hastily. +It rings repeatedly. She runs to it in desperation and puts the receiver +to her ear.] Who is there? What do I do? I am not used to the telephone: +I don't know how--What! Oh, I can hear you speaking quite distinctly. +[She sits down, delighted, and settles herself for a conversation.] How +wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I know. Yes, please, +send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch yet? Oh no: please +don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't matter. Thank you. What? +Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea--am I to hang it up just as it +was? Thank you. [She hangs it up.] + +Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a long +straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She comes to the end +of the table opposite to that at which the Princess is seated. + +THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the telephone: and +I heard quite well, though I have never ventured before. Won't you sit +down? + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's maid. I +understood you wanted one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so unpatriotic +to want anything now, on account of the war, you know. I sent my +maid away as a public duty; and now she has married a soldier and is +expecting a war baby. But I don't know how to do without her. I've tried +my very best; but somehow it doesn't answer: everybody cheats me; and +in the end it isn't any saving. So I've made up my mind to sell my piano +and have a maid. That will be a real saving, because I really don't care +a bit for music, though of course one has to pretend to. Don't you think +so? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be more +correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of kindness to +me, as I am out of place. + +THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er--you won't mind my +asking, will you?--how did you lose your place? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The war, Your Highness, the war. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of grief]. My +poor mistress-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So tactless +of me to mention it. + +ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears]. Your +Highness is too good. + +THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach such +importance to that. + +ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know--I shall. + +THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle. He is +very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a maid I liked +very much; but he sent her away the very first time. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done it +before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was so truly +contrite and nice about it. + +ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a rather +improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her. + +ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have been. I +wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that out. I hope you +are not too sharp. + +ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She produces some +letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no doubt. I have +one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.] + +THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How curious! + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have first-rate +testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter. + +THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every respect +a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he could +possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, of +course; but do you think I ought to? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most decidedly. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite right. +You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages--er--? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your Highness +need not make any change. + +THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had such a +number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to raise +her wages again and again. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and I have +no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own dresses at +balls. + +THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle +can't object to that, can he? + +ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me about +it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle about +matters of business. + +THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I should like +to set about my duties immediately. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I-- + +A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. + +ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it]. How +long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? + +THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter. + +THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam, +believe me. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here. + +THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager? + +ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you +treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is +this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your +cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were +flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea +at once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a +civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on +commercial travellers. + +THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. Two +years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was crowded with +the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie from nine to +six every day. But the war came; and my patients were ordered to give +up their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept their week-end +hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a waiter. +[He puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and +automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the +teapot's pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife +of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can +you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a +second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to +complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our miseries +nev---- [the manager enters]. Oh Lord! here he is. [The waiter withdraws +abjectly, taking the tea tray with him.] + +THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent +inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture +to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your +presence. + +THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way? + +ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down +forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her Highness +will require this room for twenty minutes. + +THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment +in a respectable hotel. + +THE MANAGER. I do not understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a +room on the second floor? + +THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At +least-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least? + +THE MANAGER. It is occupied. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not +occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen +express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor +who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5 francs a +bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same +hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the +best rooms. + +THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her +Highness was at all particular. + +ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's graciousness. You +impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog. +You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a +waiter. But don't think you can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and +I know the ladies' maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe +and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the +second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate +with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust off my +feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once. + +THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness believe this +of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me? + +THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I only +meant-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her Highness +is going to do the work of teaching you your place herself, instead of +leaving it to her maid. + +THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish is to +make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the war, all royal +personages now practise a rigid economy, and desire us to treat them +like their poorest subjects. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but don't +do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that suite on the +first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. And turn on the +heating apparatus until the temperature in the rooms is comfortably +warm. And have hot water put in all the bedrooms-- + +THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps. + +ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we must put up +with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang and guggle +all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I know. + +THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle. + +ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not pleased I'm +not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There is nothing +more, thank you. + +The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to the +Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to Ermyntrude; +and goes out. + +THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage? + +ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your Highness can +leave all unpleasant people to me. + +THE PRINCESS. How I wish I could! The most dreadful thing of all I have +to go through myself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Dare I ask what it is, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. I'm going to be married. I'm to be met here and married to +a man I never saw. A boy! A boy who never saw me! One of the sons of the +Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Indeed? Which son? + +THE PRINCESS. I don't know. They haven't settled which. It's a dreadful +thing to be a princess: they just marry you to anyone they like. The +Inca is to come and look at me, and pick out whichever of his sons he +thinks will suit. And then I shall be an alien enemy everywhere except +in Perusalem, because the Inca has made war on everybody. And I shall +have to pretend that everybody has made war on him. It's too bad. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Still, a husband is a husband. I wish I had one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, how can you say that! I'm afraid you're not a nice +woman. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Your Highness is provided for. I'm not. + +THE PRINCESS. Even if you could bear to let a man touch you, you +shouldn't say so. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall not say so again, Your Highness, except perhaps to +the man. + +THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be so +coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that you know +more about men than you should. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I ought to +have known you would not have spoken like that if you were not married. +That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so sorry. + +The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak. + +THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf of the +Inca of Perusalem. + +THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what shall +I do? + +THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. Captain +Duval. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca himself, +incognito. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. I'm not +properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: he would order +me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call tomorrow: say I'm ill +in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you must get rid of him somehow. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highness, and perfectly capable +of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the matter. [To the +Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and then show Captain Duval +in here. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. Ermyntrude, +noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the table, runs after +her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, if I must have one of his +sons, I should like a fair one that doesn't shave, with soft hair and a +beard. I couldn't bear being kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, +the Manager bowing as she passes. He follows her.] + +Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself swiftly +into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with a large jewel +case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca. + +THE MANAGER. Captain Duval. + +The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and imposing stage +walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a gesture to place the +jewel case on the table; dismisses him with a frown; touches his helmet +graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes off his cloak. + +THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to speak to me +without ceremony. + +ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I hadn't the +slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. [She sits down: a +liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I am quite at a loss to +imagine why I should treat a perfect stranger named Duval: a captain! +almost a subaltern! with the smallest ceremony. + +THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my position. + +ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down. + +THE INCA [frowning.] What! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down. + +THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business? + +THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst? + +THE INCA. Precisely. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him the +Allerhochst. + +THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking? + +THE INCA. I--er. Er--I. I--er. I am not a good judge. + +ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously. + +THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to his +family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine, +half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose +duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself +otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable +offence--severely punishable--in Perusalem. It is called +Incadisparagement. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh? + +THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] Ha ha! +Ha ha ha! + +ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask could +you laugh. + +THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that! +[He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more agreeable +person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot help it. I am +amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I admit. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business? + +THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into +solemnity.] I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note +of your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to +present you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty's regard. +I do consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and +presents it.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must have! I +can't wear that. + +THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed by the +Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the centre, the shield +of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions represent the ten castles +of His Majesty. The rim is a piece of the telephone cable laid by His +Majesty across the Shipskeel canal. The pin is a model in miniature of +the sword of Henry the Birdcatcher. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My good man, +you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as big as a turtle. +[He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much did it cost? + +THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million Perusalem +dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work of art. As such, +it is now worth probably ten million dollars. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy +something nice with the money. + +THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be exhibited +for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings himself into his +chair, fuming.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it to save +himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will get his money +back. Nobody would buy it, you know. + +THE INCA. May I ask why? + +ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you! + +THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have to +report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He rises +sulkily.] The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is not compatible +with the tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take back the brooch.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the brooch]. +Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me on behalf of the +Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was satisfactory. + +THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not allow +his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and you were the +only other human being on it [he strides up the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the table]. +How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It would have to +be quite morganatic. + +THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the mouth of +a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You have the morals +of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of laughter. He struggles +with his sense of humor.] At the same time [he sits down] there is a +certain coarse fun in the idea which compels me to smile [he turns up +his moustache and smiles.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make the Inca +order you to cut off that moustache. It is too irresistible. Doesn't it +fascinate everyone in Perusalem? + +THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the thunders of +Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your modesty. + +THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool. + +ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well! + +THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an exact +copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy itself with +the Inca's moustache or does it not? Does it ever occupy itself with +anything else? If that is the truth, does its recognition constitute +the Inca a coxcomb? Other potentates have moustaches: even beards +and moustaches. Does the world occupy itself with those beards and +moustaches? Do the hawkers in the streets of every capital on the +civilized globe sell ingenious cardboard representations of their faces +on which, at the pulling of a simple string, the moustaches turn up and +down, so--[he makes his moustache turn, up and down several times]? No! +I say No. The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has +made his face the political barometer of the whole continent. When that +moustache goes up, culture rises with it. Not what you call culture; +but Kultur, a word so much more significant that I hardly understand +it myself except when I am in specially good form. When it goes down, +millions of men perish. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You know, if I had a moustache like that, it would turn my +head. I should go mad. Are you quite sure the Inca isn't mad? + +THE INCA. How can he be mad, madam? What is sanity? The condition of the +Inca's mind. What is madness? The condition of the people who disagree +with the Inca. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that ridiculous +brooch. + +THE INCA. No, madam: you are only an idiot. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Thank you. + +THE INCA. Mark you: It is not to be expected that you should see eye to +eye with the Inca. That would be presumption. It is for you to accept +without question or demur the assurance of your Inca that the brooch is +a masterpiece. + +ERMYNTRUDE. MY Inca! Oh, come! I like that. He is not my Inca yet. + +THE INCA. He is everybody's Inca, madam. His realm will yet extend to +the confines of the habitable earth. It is his divine right; and let +those who dispute it look to themselves. Properly speaking, all those +who are now trying to shake his world predominance are not at war with +him, but in rebellion against him. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, he started it, you know. + +THE INCA. Madam, be just. When the hunters surround the lion, the lion +will spring. The Inca had kept the peace of years. Those who attacked +him were steeped in blood, black blood, white blood, brown blood, yellow +blood, blue blood. The Inca had never shed a drop. + +ERMYNTRUDE. He had only talked. + +THE INCA. Only TALKED! ONLY talked! What is more glorious than talk? Can +anyone in the world talk like him? Madam, when he signed the declaration +of war, he said to his foolish generals and admirals, 'Gentlemen, you +will all be sorry for this.' And they are. They know now that they had +better have relied on the sword of the spirit: in other words, on their +Inca's talk, than on their murderous cannons. The world will one day do +justice to the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his +tongue and his moustache. While he talked: talked just as I am talking +now to you, simply, quietly, sensibly, but GREATLY, there was peace; +there was prosperity; Perusalem went from success to success. He has +been silenced for a year by the roar of trinitrotoluene and the bluster +of fools; and the world is in ruins. What a tragedy! [He is convulsed +with grief.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Captain Duval, I don't want to be unsympathetic; but suppose +we get back to business. + +THE INCA. Business! What business? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, MY business. You want me to marry one of the Inca's +sons: I forget which. + +THE INCA. As far as I can recollect the name, it is His Imperial +Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef Alexander +Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. Oh, please, please, mayn't I have one with a +shorter name? What is he called at home? + +THE INCA. He is usually called Sonny, madam. [With great charm of +manner.] But you will please understand that the Inca has no desire to +pin you to any particular son. There is Chips and Spots and Lulu and +Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack Johnson the Second, +all unmarried. At least not seriously married: nothing, in short, that +cannot be arranged. They are all at your service. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Are they all as clever and charming as their father? + +THE INCA [lifts his eyebrows pityingly; shrugs his shoulders; then, +with indulgent paternal contempt]. Excellent lads, madam. Very honest +affectionate creatures. I have nothing against them. Pongo imitates +farmyard sounds--cock crowing and that sort of thing--extremely well. +Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on the mouth organ really +screamingly. Chips keeps owls and rabbits. Spots motor bicycles. The +Corsair commands canal barges and steers them himself. The Piffler +writes plays, and paints most abominably. Jack Johnson trims ladies' +hats, and boxes with professionals hired for that purpose. He is +invariably victorious. Yes: they all have their different little +talents. And also, of course, their family resemblances. For example, +they all smoke; they all quarrel with one another; and they none of them +appreciate their father, who, by the way, is no mean painter, though the +Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Quite a large choice, eh? + +THE INCA. But very little to choose, believe me. I should not recommend +Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has been necessary to +build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the royal family would get no +sleep. But any of the others would suit equally well--if you are really +bent on marrying one of them. + +ERMYNTRUDE. If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of them. I +thought you wanted me to. + +THE INCA. I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you are not +quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I doubt whether +any of these young degenerates would make you happy. I trust I am not +showing any want of natural feeling when I say that from the point of +view of a lively, accomplished, and beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] +they might pall after a time. I suggest that you might prefer the Inca +himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be of +any interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and most +far-reaching intellects in the world? + +TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, madam? Can +you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who is not a born +fool? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von Cockpits-- + +THE INCA [rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von +Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before three weeks +are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the man in the moon. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But General Von Schinkenburg-- + +THE INCA. Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius for +defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is invincible. But +what is the good of that? The world does not consist of market gardens. +Turn him loose in pasture and he is lost. The Inca has defeated all +these generals again and again at manoeuvres; and yet he has to +give place to them in the field because he would be blamed for every +disaster--accused of sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why +do they call him vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not +afraid to live. Why do they call themselves brave? Because they have +not sense enough to be afraid to die. Within the last year the world +has produced millions of heroes. Has it produced more than one Inca? [He +resumes his seat.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Fortunately not, Captain. I'd rather marry Chips. + +THE INCA [making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn't marry Chips. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Why? + +THE INCA [whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, what about Snooks? + +THE INCA. Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are so +many--[wearily] so many--that I often forget. [Casually.] But I wouldn't +marry him, anyhow, if I were you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius? Surely, +if Providence has entrusted them with the care of Perusalem--if they are +all descended from Bedrock the Great-- + +THE INCA [interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I +consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch. + +ERMYNTRUDE [shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement. + +THE INCA. I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between ourselves, I +do not believe all this about Providence entrusting the care of sixty +million human beings to the abilities of Chips and the Piffler and Jack +Johnson. I believe in individual genius. That is the Inca's secret. It +must be. Why, hang it all, madam, if it were a mere family matter, the +Inca's uncle would have been as great a man as the Inca. And--well, +everybody knows what the Inca's uncle was. + +ERMYNTRUDE. My experience is that the relatives of men of genius are +always the greatest duffers imaginable. + +THE INCA. Precisely. That is what proves that the Inca is a man of +genius. His relatives ARE duffers. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But bless my soul, Captain, if all the Inca's generals are +incapables, and all his relatives duffers, Perusalem will be beaten in +the war; and then it will become a republic, like France after 1871, and +the Inca will be sent to St Helena. + +THE INCA [triumphantly]. That is just what the Inca is playing for, +madam. It is why he consented to the war. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! + +THE INCA. Aha! The fools talk of crushing the Inca; but they little know +their man. Tell me this. Why did St Helena extinguish Napoleon? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I give it up. + +THE INCA. Because, madam, with certain rather remarkable qualities, +which I should be the last to deny, Napoleon lacked versatility. After +all, any fool can be a soldier: we know that only too well in Perusalem, +where every fool is a soldier. But the Inca has a thousand other +resources. He is an architect. Well, St Helena presents an unlimited +field to the architect. He is a painter: need I remind you that St +Helena is still without a National Gallery? He is a composer: Napoleon +left no symphonies in St Helena. Send the Inca to St Helena, madam, +and the world will crowd thither to see his works as they crowd now to +Athens to see the Acropolis, to Madrid to see the pictures of Velasquez, +to Bayreuth to see the music dramas of that egotistical old rebel +Richard Wagner, who ought to have been shot before he was forty, as +indeed he very nearly was. Take this from me: hereditary monarchs are +played out: the age for men of genius has come: the career is open to +the talents: before ten years have elapsed every civilized country from +the Carpathians to the Rocky Mountains will be a Republic. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then goodbye to the Inca. + +THE INCA. On the contrary, madam, the Inca will then have his first real +chance. He will be unanimously invited by those Republics to return from +his exile and act as Superpresident of all the republics. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But won't that be a come-down for him? Think of it! after +being Inca, to be a mere President! + +THE INCA. Well, why not! An Inca can do nothing. He is tied hand and +foot. A constitutional monarch is openly called an India-rubber stamp. +An emperor is a puppet. The Inca is not allowed to make a speech: he +is compelled to take up a screed of flatulent twaddle written by +some noodle of a minister and read it aloud. But look at the American +President! He is the Allerhochst, if you like. No, madam, believe me, +there is nothing like Democracy, American Democracy. Give the people +voting papers: good long voting papers, American fashion; and while the +people are reading the voting papers the Government does what it likes. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! You too worship before the statue of Liberty, like the +Americans? + +THE INCA. Not at all, madam. The Americans do not worship the statue +of Liberty. They have erected it in the proper place for a statue of +Liberty: on its tomb [he turns down his moustaches.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [laughing]. Oh! You'd better not let them hear you say that, +Captain. + +THE INCA. Quite safe, madam: they would take it as a joke. [He rises.] +And now, prepare yourself for a surprise. [She rises]. A shock. Brace +yourself. Steel yourself. And do not be afraid. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Whatever on earth can you be going to tell me, Captain? + +THE INCA. Madam, I am no captain. I-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are the Inca in disguise. + +THE INCA. Good heavens! how do you know that? Who has betrayed me? + +ERMYNTRUDE. How could I help divining it, Sir? Who is there in the world +like you? Your magnetism-- + +THE INCA. True: I had forgotten my magnetism. But you know now that +beneath the trappings of Imperial Majesty there is a Man: simple, frank, +modest, unaffected, colloquial: a sincere friend, a natural human being, +a genial comrade, one eminently calculated to make a woman happy. You, +on the other hand, are the most charming woman I have ever met. Your +conversation is wonderful. I have sat here almost in silence, listening +to your shrewd and penetrating account of my character, my motives, if I +may say so, my talents. Never has such justice been done me: never have +I experienced such perfect sympathy. Will you--I hardly know how to put +this--will you be mine? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Sir, you are married. + +THE INCA. I am prepared to embrace the Mahometan faith, which allows a +man four wives, if you will consent. It will please the Turks. But I had +rather you did not mention it to the Inca-ess. If you don't mind. + +ERMYNTRUDE. This is really charming of you. But the time has come for +me to make a revelation. It is your Imperial Majesty's turn now to brace +yourself. To steel yourself. I am not the princess. I am-- + +THE INCA. The daughter of my old friend Archdeacon Daffodil Donkin, +whose sermons are read to me every evening after dinner. I never forget +a face. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You knew all along! + +THE INCA [bitterly, throwing himself into his chair]. And you supposed +that I, who have been condemned to the society of princesses all my +wretched life, believed for a moment that any princess that ever walked +could have your intelligence! + +ERMYNTRUDE. How clever of you, Sir! But you cannot afford to marry me. + +THE INCA [springing up]. Why not? + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are too poor. You have to eat war bread. Kings nowadays +belong to the poorer classes. The King of England does not even allow +himself wine at dinner. + +THE INCA [delighted]. Haw! Ha ha! Haw! haw! [He is convulsed with +laughter, and, finally has to relieve his feelings by waltzing half round +the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. You may laugh, Sir; but I really could not live in that +style. I am the widow of a millionaire, ruined by your little war. + +THE INCA. A millionaire! What are millionaires now, with the world +crumbling? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Excuse me: mine was a hyphenated millionaire. + +THE INCA. A highfalutin millionaire, you mean. [Chuckling]. Haw! ha ha! +really very nearly a pun, that. [He sits down in her chair.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [revolted, sinking into his chair]. I think it quite the +worst pun I ever heard. + +THE INCA. The best puns have all been made years ago: nothing remained +but to achieve the worst. However, madam [he rises majestically; and she +is about to rise also]. No: I prefer a seated audience [she falls back +into her seat at the imperious wave of his hand]. So [he clicks his +heels]. Madam, I recognize my presumption in having sought the honor +of your hand. As you say, I cannot afford it. Victorious as I am, I am +hopelessly bankrupt; and the worst of it is, I am intelligent enough +to know it. And I shall be beaten in consequence, because my most +implacable enemy, though only a few months further away from bankruptcy +than myself, has not a ray of intelligence, and will go on fighting +until civilization is destroyed, unless I, out of sheer pity for the +world, condescend to capitulate. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The sooner the better, Sir. Many fine young men are dying +while you wait. + +THE INCA [flinching painfully]. Why? Why do they do it? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Because you make them. + +THE INCA. Stuff! How can I? I am only one man; and they are millions. +Do you suppose they would really kill each other if they didn't want +to, merely for the sake of my beautiful eyes? Do not be deceived by +newspaper claptrap, madam. I was swept away by a passion not my own, +which imposed itself on me. By myself I am nothing. I dare not walk down +the principal street of my own capital in a coat two years old, though +the sweeper of that street can wear one ten years old. You talk of +death as an unpopular thing. You are wrong: for years I gave them art, +literature, science, prosperity, that they might live more abundantly; +and they hated me, ridiculed me, caricatured me. Now that I give them +death in its frightfullest forms, they are devoted to me. If you doubt +me, ask those who for years have begged our taxpayers in vain for a +few paltry thousands to spend on Life: on the bodies and minds of the +nation's children, on the beauty and healthfulness of its cities, on +the honor and comfort of its worn-out workers. They refused: and because +they refused, death is let loose on them. They grudged a few hundreds +a year for their salvation: they now pay millions a day for their own +destruction and damnation. And this they call my doing! Let them say it, +if they dare, before the judgment-seat at which they and I shall answer +at last for what we have left undone no less than for what we have done. +[Pulling himself together suddenly.] Madam, I have the honor to be your +most obedient [he clicks his heels and bows]. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Sir! [She curtsies.] + +THE INCA [turning at the door]. Oh, by the way, there is a princess, +isn't there, somewhere on the premises? + +ERMYNTRUDE. There is. Shall I fetch her? + +THE INCA [dubious], Pretty awful, I suppose, eh? + +ERMYNTRUDE. About the usual thing. + +THE INCA [sighing]. Ah well! What can one expect? I don't think I need +trouble her personally. Will you explain to her about the boys? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am afraid the explanation will fall rather flat without +your magnetism. + +THE INCA [returning to her and speaking very humanly]. You are making +fun of me. Why does everybody make fun of me? Is it fair? + +ERMYNTRUDE [seriously]. Yes, it is fair. What other defence have we poor +common people against your shining armor, your mailed fist, your pomp +and parade, your terrible power over us? Are these things fair? + +THE INCA. Ah, well, perhaps, perhaps. [He looks at his watch.] By the +way, there is time for a drive round the town and a cup of tea at the +Zoo. Quite a bearable band there: it does not play any patriotic airs. +I am sorry you will not listen to any more permanent arrangement; but if +you would care to come-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [eagerly]. Ratherrrrrr. I shall be delighted. + +THE INCA [cautiously]. In the strictest honor, you understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't be afraid. I promise to refuse any incorrect +proposals. + +THE INCA [enchanted]. Oh! Charming woman: how well you understand men! + +He offers her his arm: they go out together. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + +***** This file should be named 3486.txt or 3486.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/8/3486/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.08.01*END** +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + + + + + +This etext was produced by Eve Sobol, South Bend, Indiana, USA + + + + + +THE INCA OF PERUSALEM: AN ALMOST HISTORICAL COMEDIETTA + +GEORGE BERNARD SHAW + + + +I must remind the reader that this playlet was written when its +principal character, far from being a fallen foe and virtually a +prisoner in our victorious hands, was still the Caesar whose +legions we were resisting with our hearts in our mouths. Many +were so horribly afraid of him that they could not forgive me for +not being afraid of him: I seemed to be trifling heartlessly with +a deadly peril. I knew better; and I have represented Caesar as +knowing better himself. But it was one of the quaintnesses of +popular feeling during the war that anyone who breathed the +slightest doubt of the absolute perfection of German +organization, the Machiavellian depth of German diplomacy, the +omniscience of German science, the equipment of every German with +a complete philosophy of history, and the consequent hopelessness +of overcoming so magnificently accomplished an enemy except by +the sacrifice of every recreative activity to incessant and +vehement war work, including a heartbreaking mass of fussing and +cadging and bluffing that did nothing but waste our energies and +tire our resolution, was called a pro-German. + +Now that this is all over, and the upshot of the fighting has +shown that we could quite well have afforded to laugh at the +doomed Inca, I am in another difficulty. I may be supposed to be +hitting Caesar when he is down. That is why I preface the play +with this reminder that when it was written he was not down. To +make quite sure, I have gone through the proof sheets very +carefully, and deleted everything that could possibly be mistaken +for a foul blow. I have of course maintained the ancient +privilege of comedy to chasten Caesar's foibles by laughing at +them, whilst introducing enough obvious and outrageous fiction to +relieve both myself and my model from the obligations and +responsibilities of sober history and biography. But I should +certainly put the play in the fire instead of publishing it if it +contained a word against our defeated enemy that I would not have +written in 1913. + +The Inca of Perusalem was performed for the first time in +England by the Pioneer Players at the Criterion Theatre, +London, on 16th December, 1917, with Gertrude Kingston as +Ermyntrude, Helen Morris as the Princess, Nigel Playfair as +the waiter, Alfred Drayton as the hotel manager, C. Wordley +Hulse as the Archdeacon, and Randle Ayrton as the Inca. + + + +PROLOGUE + +The tableau curtains are closed. An English archdeacon comes +through them in a condition of extreme irritation. He speaks +through the curtains to someone behind them. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Once for all, Ermyntrude, I cannot afford to +maintain you in your present extravagance. [He goes to a flight +of steps leading to the stalls and sits down disconsolately on +the top step. A fashionably dressed lady comes through the +curtains and contemplates him with patient obstinacy. He +continues, grumbling.] An English clergyman's daughter should be +able to live quite respectably and comfortably on an allowance of +œ150 a year, wrung with great difficulty from the domestic +budget. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are not a common clergyman: you are an +archdeacon. + +THE ARCHDEACON [angrily]. That does not affect my emoluments to +the extent of enabling me to support a daughter whose +extravagance would disgrace a royal personage. [Scrambling to his +feet and scolding at her.] What do you mean by it, Miss? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh really, father! Miss! Is that the way to talk to a +widow? + +THE ARCHDEACON. Is that the way to talk to a father? Your +marriage was a most disastrous imprudence. It gave you habits +that are absolutely beyond your means--I mean beyond my means: +you have no means. Why did you not marry Matthews: the best +curate I ever had? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wanted to; and you wouldn't let me. You insisted on +my marrying Roosenhonkers-Pipstein. + +THE ARCHDEACON. I had to do the best for you, my child. +Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How did you know he was a millionaire? + +THE ARCHDEACON. He came from America. Of course he was a +millionaire. Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had +fifteen million dollars when you married him. + +ERYNTRUDE. His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen +millions when he died. He was a millionaire to the last. + +THE ARCHDEACON. O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing +the knee to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty +thousand dollars a year it secured to you, as we all thought. +Only half the securities could be called speculative. The other +half were gilt-edged. What has become of it all? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The speculative ones were not paid up; and the +gilt-edged ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show +burst up. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Ermyntrude: what expressions! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what +expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short +of it is that I can't live in the squalid way you are accustomed +to. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Squalid! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I have formed habits of comfort. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Comfort!! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. +Call it what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred +thousand dollars a year to run is intolerable to me. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Then, my dear, you had better become lady's maid +to a princess until you can find another millionaire to marry +you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the +curtains.] + +THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The +lights are lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. +[He descends the steps into the auditorium and makes for the +door, grumbling all the time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! +[Barking.] Worthlessness!! [Muttering.] I will not bear it any +longer. Dresses, hats, furs, gloves, motor rides: one bill after +another: money going like water. No restraint, no self-control, +no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! [Muttering again.] +Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty world! But I +simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash my hands +of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any +good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner +that is understood by everybody the better for all par-- [He is +by this time out of hearing in the corridor.] + + + +THE PLAY + +A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. +Two chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The +fireplace has a mirror in the mantelpiece. + +A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the +hotel manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional +habit, but treating his customer with a condescending affability +which sails very close to the east wind of insolence. + +THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness +on the first floor. + +THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it. +This is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. + +THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well. + +She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits +down. + +THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less +noise; and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, +there is the telephone-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone +is so difficult: I am not accustomed to it. + +THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I +might--if it would not be too much trouble. + +He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her +chair, terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the +instrument. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It +rings again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She +retreats hastily. It rings repeatedly. She runs to it in +desperation and puts the receiver to her ear.] Who is there? What +do I do? I am not used to the telephone: I don't know how-- What! +Oh, I can hear you speaking quite distinctly. [She sits down, +delighted, and settles herself for a conversation.] How +wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I know. Yes, +please, send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch yet? +Oh no: please don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't +matter. Thank you. What? Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea-- +am I to hang it up just as it was? Thank you. [She hangs it up.] + +Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a +long straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She +comes to the end of the table opposite to that at which the +Princess is seated. + +THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the +telephone: and I heard quite well, though I have never ventured +before. Won't you sit down? + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's +maid. I understood you wanted one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so +unpatriotic to want anything now, on account of the war, you +know. I sent my maid away as a public duty; and now she has +married a soldier and is expecting a war baby. But I don't know +how to do without her. I've tried my very best; but somehow it +doesn't answer: everybody cheats me; and in the end it isn't any +saving. So I've made up my mind to sell my piano and have a maid. +That will be a real saving, because I really don't care a bit for +music, though of course one has to pretend to. Don't you think +so? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be more +correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of +kindness to me, as I am out of place. + +THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er--you won't +mind my asking, will you?--how did you lose your place? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The war, Your Highness, the war. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of +grief]. My poor mistress-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So +tactless of me to mention it. + +ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears]. +Your Highness is too good. + +THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach +such importance to that. + +ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know--I shall. + +THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle. He +is very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a +maid I liked very much; but he sent her away the very first time. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done +it before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was +so truly contrite and nice about it. + +ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a +rather improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her. + +ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have +been. I wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that +out. I hope you are not too sharp. + +ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She produces +some letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no +doubt. I have one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.] + +THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How +curious! + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have +first-rate testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his +daughter. + +THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every +respect a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if +he could possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, +of course; but do you think I ought to? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most +decidedly. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite +right. You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages-- +er--? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your +Highness need not make any change. + +THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had +such a number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I +had to raise her wages again and again. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and +I have no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my +own dresses at balls. + +THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My +uncle can't object to that, can he? + +ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me +about it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your +uncle about matters of business. + +THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I +should like to set about my duties immediately. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I-- + +A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. + +ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at +it]. How long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? + +THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter. + +THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, +madam, believe me. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here. + +THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager? + +ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare +you treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of +pothouse is this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of +quality? Take away your cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give +them to the chambermaid you were flirting with whilst Her +Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea at once; and do not +presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a civil waiter +who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on +commercial travellers. + +THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. +Two years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was +crowded with the flower of the aristocracy and the higher +bourgeoisie from nine to six every day. But the war came; and my +patients were ordered to give up their luxuries. They gave up +their doctors, but kept their week-end hotels, closing every +career to me except the career of a waiter. [He puts his fingers +on the teapot to test its temperature, and automatically takes +out his watch with the other hand as if to count the teapot's +pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife +of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: +what can you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt +to establish a second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? +Have you the heart to complain to the manager? Have we not +suffered enough? Are our miseries nev-- [the manager enters]. Oh +Lord! here he is. [The waiter withdraws abjectly, taking the tea +tray with him.] + +THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent +inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I +venture to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us +with your presence. + +THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way? + +ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down +forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her +Highness will require this room for twenty minutes. + +THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper +apartment in a respectable hotel. + +THE MANAGER. I do not understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her +Highness a room on the second floor? + +THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. +At least-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least? + +THE MANAGER. It is occupied. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is +not occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the +five-fifteen express, from which you hope to pick up some fat +armaments contractor who will drink all the bad champagne in your +cellar at 5 francs a bottle, and pay twice over for everything +because he is in the same hotel with Her Highness, and can boast +of having turned her out of the best rooms. + +THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know +that Her Highness was at all particular. + +ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's +graciousness. You impose on her with your stories. You give her a +room not fit for a dog. You send cold tea to her by a decayed +professional person disguised as a waiter. But don't think you +can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and I know the ladies' +maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe and all the +millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the +second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a +curate with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its +dust off my feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once. + +THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness +believe this of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your +Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me? + +THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I +only meant-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her +Highness is going to do the work of teaching you your place +herself, instead of leaving it to her maid. + +THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish +is to make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the +war, all royal personages now practise a rigid economy, and +desire us to treat them like their poorest subjects. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but +don't do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that +suite on the first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. +And turn on the heating apparatus until the temperature in the +rooms is comfortably warm. And have hot water put in all the +bedrooms-- + +THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps. + +ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we must put +up with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang +and guggle all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I +know. + +THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle. + +ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not pleased +I'm not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There +is nothing more, thank you. + +The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to +the Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to +Ermyntrude; and goes out. + +THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage? + +ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your +Highness can leave all unpleasant people to me. + +THE PRINCESS. How I wish I could! The most dreadful thing of all +I have to go through myself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Dare I ask what it is, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. I'm going to be married. I'm to be met here and +married to a man I never saw. A boy! A boy who never saw me! One +of the sons of the Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Indeed? Which son? + +THE PRINCESS. I don't know. They haven't settled which. It's a +dreadful thing to be a princess: they just marry you to anyone +they like. The Inca is to come and look at me, and pick out +whichever of his sons he thinks will suit. And then I shall be an +alien enemy everywhere except in Perusalem, because the Inca has +made war on everybody. And I shall have to pretend that everybody +has made war on him. It's too bad. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Still, a husband is a husband. I wish I had one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, how can you say that! I'm afraid you're not a +nice woman. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Your Highness is provided for. I'm not. + +THE PRINCESS. Even if you could bear to let a man touch you, you +shouldn't say so. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall not say so again, Your Highness, except +perhaps to the man. + +THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be +so coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that +you know more about men than you should. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I +ought to have known you would not have spoken like that if you +were not married. That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so +sorry. + +The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak. + +THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf +of the Inca of Perusalem. + +THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what +shall I do? + +THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. +Captain Duval. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca +himself, incognito. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. +I'm not properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: +he would order me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call +tomorrow: say I'm ill in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you +must get rid of him somehow. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highess, and perfectly +capable of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the +matter. [To the Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and +then show Captain Duval in here. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. +Ermyntrude, noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the +table, runs after her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, +if I must have one of his sons, I should like a fair one that +doesn't shave, with soft hair and a beard. I couldn't bear being +kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, the Manager bowing as +she passes. He follows her.] + +Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself +swiftly into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with +a large jewel case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca. + +THE MANAGER. Captain Duval. + +The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and +imposing stage walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a +gesture to place the jewel case on the table; dismisses him with +a frown; touches his helmet graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes +off his cloak. + +THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to +speak to me without ceremony. + +ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I +hadn't the slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. +[She sits down: a liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I +am quite at a loss to imagine why I should treat a perfect +stranger named Duval: a captain! almost a subaltern! with the +smallest ceremony. + +THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my +position. + +ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down. + +THE INCA [frowning.] What! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down. + +THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business? + +THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst? + +THE INCA. Precisely. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him +the Allerhochst. + +THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking? + +THE INCA. I--er. Er--I. I--er. I am not a good judge. + +ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously. + +THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to +his family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of +half divine, half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions +of people, whose duty it is to die for him at the word of +command. To take himself otherwise than seriously would be +blasphemous. It is a punishable offence--severely punishable--in +Perusalem. It is called Incadisparagement. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh? + +THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] +Ha ha! Ha ha ha! + +ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not +ask could you laugh. + +THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, +that! [He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more +agreeable person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot +help it. I am amused. The other was merely an imitation: a +failure, I admit. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business? + +THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into +solemnity. I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful +note of your features and figure, and, if I consider them +satisfactory, to present you with this trifling token of His +Imperial Majesty's regard. I do consider them satisfactory. Allow +me [he opens the jewel case and presents it.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must +have! I can't wear that. + +THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed +by the Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the +centre, the shield of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions +represent the ten castles of His Majesty. The rim is a piece of +the telephone cable laid by His Majesty across the Shipskeel +canal. The pin is a model in miniature of the sword of Henry the +Birdcatcher. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My +good man, you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as +big as a turtle. [He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much +did it cost? + +THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million +Perusalem dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work +of art. As such, it is now worth probably ten million dollars. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy +something nice with the money. + +THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be +exhibited for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings +himself into his chair, fuming.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it +to save himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will +get his money back. Nobody would buy it, you know. + +THE INCA. May I ask why? + +ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you! + +THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have +to report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He +rises sulkily.] The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is +not compatible with the tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take +back the brooch.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the +brooch]. Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me +on behalf of the Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was +satisfactory. + +THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not +allow his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and +you were the only other human being on it [he strides up the +room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the +table]. How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It +would have to be quite morganatic. + +THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the +mouth of a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You +have the morals of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of +laughter. He struggles with his sense of humor.] At the same time +[he sits down] there is a certain coarse fun in the idea which +compels me to smile [he turns up his moustache and smiles.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make +the Inca order you to cut off that moustache. It is too +irresistible. Doesn't it fascinate everyone in Perusalem? + +THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the +thunders of Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your +modesty. + +THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool. + +ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well! + +THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an +exact copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy +itself with the Inca's moustache or does it not? Does it ever +occupy itself with anything else? If that is the truth, does its +recognition constitute the Inca a coxcomb? Other potentates have +moustaches: even beards and moustaches. Does the world occupy +itself with those beards and moustaches? Do the hawkers in the +streets of every capital on the civilized globe sell ingenious +cardboard representations of their faces on which, at the pulling +of a simple string, the moustaches turn up and down, so--[he +makes his moustache turn, up and down several times]? No! I say +No. The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has +made his face the political barometer of the whole continent. +When that moustache goes up, culture rises with it. Not what you +call culture; but Kultur, a word so much more significant that I +hardly understand it myself except when I am in specially good +form. When it goes down, millions of men perish. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You know, if I had a moustache like that, it would +turn my head. I should go mad. Are you quite sure the Inca isn't +mad? + +THE INCA. How can he be mad, madam? What is sanity? The condition +of the Inca's mind. What is madness? The condition of the people +who disagree with the Inca. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that +ridiculous brooch. + +THE INCA. No, madam: you are only an idiot. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Thank you. + +THE INCA. Mark you: It is not to be expected that you should see +eye to eye with the Inca. That would be presumption. It is for +you to accept without question or demur the assurance of your +Inca that the brooch is a masterpiece. + +ERMYNTRUDE. MY Inca! Oh, come! I like that. He is not my Inca +yet. + +THE INCA. He is everybody's Inca, madam. His realm will yet +extend to the confines of the habitable earth. It is his divine +right; and let those who dispute it look to themselves. Properly +speaking, all those who are now trying to shake his world +predominance are not at war with him, but in rebellion against +him. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, he started it, you know. + +THE INCA. Madam, be just. When the hunters surround the lion, the +lion will spring. The Inca had kept the peace of years. Those who +attacked him were steeped in blood, black blood, white blood, +brown blood, yellow blood, blue blood. The Inca had never shed a +drop. + +ERMYNTRUDE. He had only talked. + +THE INCA. Only TALKED! ONLY talked! What is more glorious than +talk? Can anyone in the world talk like him? Madam, when he +signed the declaration of war, he said to his foolish generals +and admirals, 'Gentlemen, you will all be sorry for this.' And +they are. They know now that they had better have relied on the +sword of the spirit: in other words, on their Inca's talk, than +on their murderous cannons. The world will one day do justice to +the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his +tongue and his moustache. While he talked: talked just as I am +talking now to you, simply, quietly, sensibly, but GREATLY, there +was peace; there was prosperity; Perusalem went from success to +success. He has been silenced for a year by the roar of +trinitrotoluene and the bluster of fools; and the world is in +ruins. What a tragedy! [He is convulsed with grief.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Captain Duval, I don't want to be unsympathetic; but +suppose we get back to business. + +THE INCA. Business! What business? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, MY business. You want me to marry one of the +Inca's sons: I forget which. + +THE INCA. As far as I can recollect the name, it is His Imperial +Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef +Alexander Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. Oh, please, please, mayn't I have one +with a shorter name? What is he called at home? + +THE INCA. He is usually called Sonny, madam. [With great charm of +manner.] But you will please understand that the Inca has no +desire to pin you to any particular son. There is Chips and Spots +and Lulu and Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack +Johnson the Second, all unmarried. At least not seriously +married: nothing, in short, that cannot be arranged. They are all +at your service. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Are they all as clever and charming as their father? + +THE INCA [lifts his eyebrows pityingly; shrugs his shoulders; +then, with indulgent paternal contempt]. Excellent lads, madam. +Very honest affectionate creatures. I have nothing against them. +Pongo imitates farmyard sounds--cock crowing and that sort of +thing--extremely well. Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on +the mouth organ really screamingly. Chips keeps owls and rabbits. +Spots motor bicycles. The Corsair commands canal barges and +steers them himself. The Piffler writes plays, and paints most +abominably. Jack Johnson trims ladies' hats, and boxes with +professionals hired for that purpose. He is invariably +victorious. Yes: they all have their different little talents. +And also, of course, their family resemblances. For example, they +all smoke; they all quarrel with one another; and they none of +them appreciate their father, who, by the way, is no mean +painter, though the Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Quite a large choice, eh? + +THE INCA. But very little to choose, believe me. I should not +recommend Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has +been necessary to build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the +royal family would get no sleep. But any of the others would suit +equally well--if you are really bent on marrying one of them. + +ERMYNTRUDE. If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of +them. I thought you wanted me to. + +THE INCA. I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you +are not quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I +doubt whether any of these young degenerates would make you +happy. I trust I am not showing any want of natural feeling when +I say that from the point of view of a lively, accomplished, and +beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] they might pall after a time. I +suggest that you might prefer the Inca himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be +of any interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and +most far-reaching intellects in the world? + +TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, +madam? Can you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who +is not a born fool? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von +Cockpits-- + +THE INCA [rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von +Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before +three weeks are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the +man in the moon. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But General Von Schinkenburg-- + +THE INCA. Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius +for defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is +invincible. But what is the good of that? The world does not +consist of market gardens. Turn him loose in pasture and he is +lost. The Inca has defeated all these generals again and again at +manoeuvres; and yet he has to give place to them in the field +because he would be blamed for every disaster--accused of +sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why do they call +him vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not +afraid to live. Why do they call themselves brave? Because they +have not sense enough to be afraid to die. Within the last year +the world has produced millions of heroes. Has it produced more +than one Inca? [He resumes his seat.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Fortunately not, Captain. I'd rather marry Chips. + +THE INCA [making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn't marry +Chips. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Why? + +THE INCA [whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about +himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, what about Snooks? + +THE INCA. Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are +so many--[wearily] so many--that I often forget. [Casually.] But +I wouldn't marry him, anyhow, if I were you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius? +Surely, if Providence has entrusted them with the care of +Perusalem--if they are all descended from Bedrock the Great-- + +THE INCA [interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I +consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch. + +ERMYNTRUDE [shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement. + +THE INCA. I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between +ourselves, I do not believe all this about Providence entrusting +the care of sixty million human beings to the abilities of Chips +and the Piffler and Jack Johnson. I believe in individual genius. +That is the Inca's secret. It must be. Why, hang it all, madam, +if it were a mere family matter, the Inca's uncle would have been +as great a man as the Inca. And--well, everybody knows what the +Inca's uncle was. + +ERMYNTRUDE. My experience is that the relatives of men of genius +are always the greatest duffers imaginable. + +THE INCA. Precisely. That is what proves that the Inca is a man +of genius. His relatives ARE duffers. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But bless my soul, Captain, if all the Inca's +generals are incapables, and all his relatives duffers, Perusalem +will be beaten in the war; and then it will become a republic, +like France after 1871, and the Inca will be sent to St Helena. + +THE INCA [triumphantly]. That is just what the Inca is playing +for, madam. It is why he consented to the war. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! + +THE INCA. Aha! The fools talk of crushing the Inca; but they +little know their man. Tell me this. Why did St Helena extinguish +Napoleon? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I give it up. + +THE INCA. Because, madam, with certain rather remarkable +qualities, which I should be the last to deny, Napoleon lacked +versatility. After all, any fool can be a soldier: we know that +only too well in Perusalem, where every fool is a soldier. But +the Inca has a thousand other resources. He is an architect. +Well, St Helena presents an unlimited field to the architect. He +is a painter: need I remind you that St Helena is still without a +National Gallery? He is a composer: Napoleon left no symphonies +in St Helena. Send the Inca to St Helena, madam, and the world +will crowd thither to see his works as they crowd now to Athens +to see the Acropolis, to Madrid to see the pictures of Velasquez, +to Bayreuth to see the music dramas of that egotistical old rebel +Richard Wagner, who ought to have been shot before he was forty, +as indeed he very nearly was. Take this from me: hereditary +monarchs are played out: the age for men of genius has come: the +career is open to the talents: before ten years have elapsed +every civilized country from the Carpathians to the Rocky +Mountains will be a Republic. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then goodbye to the Inca. + +THE INCA. On the contrary, madam, the Inca will then have his +first real chance. He will be unanimously invited by those +Republics to return from his exile and act as Superpresident of +all the republics. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But won't that be a come-down for him? Think of it! +after being Inca, to be a mere President! + +THE INCA. Well, why not! An Inca can do nothing. He is tied hand +and foot. A constitutional monarch is openly called an +India-rubber stamp. An emperor is a puppet. The Inca is not +allowed to make a speech: he is compelled to take up a screed of +flatulent twaddle written by some noodle of a minister and read +it aloud. But look at the American President! He is the +Allerhochst, if you like. No, madam, believe me, there is nothing +like Democracy, American Democracy. Give the people voting +papers: good long voting papers, American fashion; and while the +people are reading the voting papers the Government does what it +likes. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! You too worship before the statue of Liberty, +like the Americans? + +THE INCA. Not at all, madam. The Americans do not worship the +statue of Liberty. They have erected it in the proper place for a +statue of Liberty: on its tomb [he turns down his moustaches.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [laughing]. Oh! You'd better not let them hear you say +that, Captain. + +THE INCA. Quite safe, madam: they would take it as a joke. [He +rises. And now, prepare yourself for a surprise. [She rises]. A +shock. Brace yourself. Steel yourself. And do not be afraid. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Whatever on earth can you be going to tell me, +Captain? + +THE INCA. Madam, I am no captain. I-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are the Inca in disguise. + +THE INCA. Good heavens! how do you know that? Who has betrayed +me? + +ERMYNTRUDE. How could I help divining it, Sir? Who is there in +the world like you? Your magnetism-- + +THE INCA. True: I had forgotten my magnetism. But you know now +that beneath the trappings of Imperial Majesty there is a Man: +simple, frank, modest, unaffected, colloquial: a sincere friend, +a natural human being, a genial comrade, one eminently calculated +to make a woman happy. You, on the other hand, are the most +charming woman I have ever met. Your conversation is wonderful. I +have sat here almost in silence, listening to your shrewd and +penetrating account of my character, my motives, if I may say so, +my talents. Never has such justice been done me: never have I +experienced such perfect sympathy. Will you--I hardly know how to +put this--will you be mine? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Sir, you are married. + +THE INCA. I am prepared to embrace the Mahometan faith, which +allows a man four wives, if you will consent. It will please the +Turks. But I had rather you did not mention it to the Inca-ess. +if you don't mind. + +ERMYNTRUDE. This is really charming of you. But the time has come +for me to make a revelation. It is your Imperial Majesty's turn +now to brace yourself. To steel yourself. I am not the princess. +I am-- + +THE INCA. The daughter of my old friend Archdeacon Daffodil +Donkin, whose sermons are read to me every evening after dinner. +I never forget a face. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You knew all along! + +THE INCA [bitterly, throwing himself into his chair]. And you +supposed that I, who have been condemned to the society of +princesses all my wretched life, believed for a moment that any +princess that ever walked could have your intelligence! + +ERMYNTRUDE. How clever of you, Sir! But you cannot afford to +marry me. + +THE INCA [springing up]. Why not? + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are too poor. You have to eat war bread. Kings +nowadays belong to the poorer classes. The King of England does +not even allow himself wine at dinner. + +THE INCA [delighted]. Haw! Ha ha! Haw! haw! [He is convulsed with +laughter, and ,finally has to relieve his feelings by waltzing +half round the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. You may laugh, Sir; but I really could not live in +that style. I am the widow of a millionaire, ruined by your +little war. + +THE INCA. A millionaire! What are millionaires now, with the +world crumbling? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Excuse me: mine was a hyphenated millionaire. + +THE INCA. A highfalutin millionaire, you mean. [Chuckling]. Haw! +ha ha! really very nearly a pun, that. [He sits down in her +chair.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [revolted, sinking into his chair]. I think it quite +the worst pun I ever heard. + +THE INCA. The best puns have all been made years ago: nothing +remained but to achieve the worst. However, madam [he rises +majestically; and she is about to rise also]. No: I prefer a +seated audience [she falls back into her seat at the imperious +wave of his hand]. So [he clicks his heels]. Madam, I recognize +my presumption in having sought the honor of your hand. As you +say, I cannot afford it. Victorious as I am, I am hopelessly +bankrupt; and the worst of it is, I am intelligent enough to know +it. And I shall be beaten in consequence, because my most +implacable enemy, though only a few months further away from +bankruptcy than myself, has not a ray of intelligence, and will +go on fighting until civilization is destroyed, unless I, out of +sheer pity for the world, condescend to capitulate. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The sooner the better, Sir. Many fine young men are +dying while you wait. + +THE INCA [flinching painfully]. Why? Why do they do it? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Because you make them. + +THE INCA. Stuff! How can I? I am only one man; and they are +millions. Do you suppose they would really kill each other if +they didn't want to, merely for the sake of my beautiful eyes? Do +not be deceived by newspaper claptrap, madam. I was swept away by +a passion not my own, which imposed itself on me. By myself I am +nothing. I dare not walk down the principal street of my own +capital in a coat two years old, though the sweeper of that +street can wear one ten years old. You talk of death as an +unpopular thing. You are wrong: for years I gave them art, +literature, science, prosperity, that they might live more +abundantly; and they hated me, ridiculed me, caricatured +me. Now that I give them death in its frightfullest forms, they +are devoted to me. If you doubt me, ask those who for years have +begged our taxpayers in vain for a few paltry thousands to spend +on Life: on the bodies and minds of the nation's children, on the +beauty and healthfulness of its cities, on the honor and comfort +of its worn-out workers. They refused: and because they refused, +death is let loose on them. They grudged a few hundreds a year +for their salvation: they now pay millions a day for their own +destruction and damnation. And this they call my doing! Let them +say it, if they dare, before the judgment-seat at which they and +I shall answer at last for what we have left undone no less than +for what we have done. [Pulling himself together suddenly.] +Madam, I have the honor to be your most obedient [he clicks his +heels and bows]. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Sir! [She curtsies.] + +THE INCA [turning at the door]. Oh, by the way, there is a +princess, isn't there, somewhere on the premises? + +ERMYNTRUDE. There is. Shall I fetch her? + +THE INCA [dubious], Pretty awful, I suppose, eh? + +ERMYNTRUDE. About the usual thing. + +THE INCA [sighing]. Ah well! What can one expect? I don't think I +need trouble her personally. Will you explain to her about the +boys? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am afraid the explanation will fall rather flat +without your magnetism. + +THE INCA [returning to her and speaking very humanly]. You are +making fun of me. Why does everybody make fun of me? Is it fair? + +ERMYNTRUDE [seriously]. Yes, it is fair. What other defence have +we poor common people against your shining armor, your mailed +fist, your pomp and parade, your terrible power over us? Are +these things fair? + +THE INCA. Ah, well, perhaps, perhaps. [He looks at his watch.] By +the way, there is time for a drive round the town and a cup of +tea at the Zoo. Quite a bearable band there: it does not play any +patriotic airs. I am sorry you will not listen to any more +permanent arrangement; but if you would care to come-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [eagerly]. Ratherrrrrr. I shall be delighted. + +THE INCA [cautiously]. In the strictest honor, you understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't be afraid. I promise to refuse any incorrect +proposals. + +THE INCA [enchanted]. Oh! Charming woman: how well you understand +men! + +He offers her his arm: they go out together. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Inca of Perusalem, by Bernard Shaw + diff --git a/old/incap10.zip b/old/incap10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..987b0f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/incap10.zip |