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diff --git a/3486-8.txt b/3486-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ffda78 --- /dev/null +++ b/3486-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1471 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Inca of Perusalem + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Posting Date: February 5, 2009 [EBook #3486] +Release Date: October, 2002 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol + + + + + +THE INCA OF PERUSALEM: AN ALMOST HISTORICAL COMEDIETTA + +By George Bernard Shaw + + + +I must remind the reader that this playlet was written when its +principal character, far from being a fallen foe and virtually a +prisoner in our victorious hands, was still the Caesar whose legions +we were resisting with our hearts in our mouths. Many were so horribly +afraid of him that they could not forgive me for not being afraid of +him: I seemed to be trifling heartlessly with a deadly peril. I knew +better; and I have represented Caesar as knowing better himself. But +it was one of the quaintnesses of popular feeling during the war that +anyone who breathed the slightest doubt of the absolute perfection of +German organization, the Machiavellian depth of German diplomacy, the +omniscience of German science, the equipment of every German with a +complete philosophy of history, and the consequent hopelessness +of overcoming so magnificently accomplished an enemy except by the +sacrifice of every recreative activity to incessant and vehement war +work, including a heartbreaking mass of fussing and cadging and bluffing +that did nothing but waste our energies and tire our resolution, was +called a pro-German. + +Now that this is all over, and the upshot of the fighting has shown that +we could quite well have afforded to laugh at the doomed Inca, I am in +another difficulty. I may be supposed to be hitting Caesar when he is +down. That is why I preface the play with this reminder that when it +was written he was not down. To make quite sure, I have gone through the +proof sheets very carefully, and deleted everything that could possibly +be mistaken for a foul blow. I have of course maintained the ancient +privilege of comedy to chasten Caesar's foibles by laughing at them, +whilst introducing enough obvious and outrageous fiction to relieve both +myself and my model from the obligations and responsibilities of sober +history and biography. But I should certainly put the play in the fire +instead of publishing it if it contained a word against our defeated +enemy that I would not have written in 1913. + +The Inca of Perusalem was performed for the first time in England by +the Pioneer Players at the Criterion Theatre, London, on 16th December, +1917, with Gertrude Kingston as Ermyntrude, Helen Morris as the +Princess, Nigel Playfair as the waiter, Alfred Drayton as the hotel +manager, C. Wordley Hulse as the Archdeacon, and Randle Ayrton as the +Inca. + + + + +PROLOGUE + +The tableau curtains are closed. An English archdeacon comes through +them in a condition of extreme irritation. He speaks through the +curtains to someone behind them. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Once for all, Ermyntrude, I cannot afford to maintain +you in your present extravagance. [He goes to a flight of steps +leading to the stalls and sits down disconsolately on the top step. A +fashionably dressed lady comes through the curtains and contemplates him +with patient obstinacy. He continues, grumbling.] An English clergyman's +daughter should be able to live quite respectably and comfortably on an +allowance of £150 a year, wrung with great difficulty from the domestic +budget. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are not a common clergyman: you are an archdeacon. + +THE ARCHDEACON [angrily]. That does not affect my emoluments to the +extent of enabling me to support a daughter whose extravagance would +disgrace a royal personage. [Scrambling to his feet and scolding at +her.] What do you mean by it, Miss? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh really, father! Miss! Is that the way to talk to a widow? + +THE ARCHDEACON. Is that the way to talk to a father? Your marriage was +a most disastrous imprudence. It gave you habits that are absolutely +beyond your means--I mean beyond my means: you have no means. Why did +you not marry Matthews: the best curate I ever had? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wanted to; and you wouldn't let me. You insisted on my +marrying Roosenhonkers-Pipstein. + +THE ARCHDEACON. I had to do the best for you, my child. +Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How did you know he was a millionaire? + +THE ARCHDEACON. He came from America. Of course he was a millionaire. +Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had fifteen million dollars +when you married him. + +ERYNTRUDE. His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen millions when +he died. He was a millionaire to the last. + +THE ARCHDEACON. O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing the knee +to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty thousand dollars +a year it secured to you, as we all thought. Only half the securities +could be called speculative. The other half were gilt-edged. What has +become of it all? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The speculative ones were not paid up; and the gilt-edged +ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show burst up. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Ermyntrude: what expressions! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what +expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short of it is +that I can't live in the squalid way you are accustomed to. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Squalid! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I have formed habits of comfort. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Comfort!! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. Call it +what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred thousand dollars +a year to run is intolerable to me. + +THE ARCHDEACON. Then, my dear, you had better become lady's maid to a +princess until you can find another millionaire to marry you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the curtains.] + +THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The lights are +lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. [He descends the +steps into the auditorium and makes for the door, grumbling all the +time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! [Barking.] Worthlessness!! +[Muttering.] I will not bear it any longer. Dresses, hats, furs, +gloves, motor rides: one bill after another: money going like water. No +restraint, no self-control, no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! +[Muttering again.] Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty +world! But I simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash +my hands of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any +good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner that +is understood by everybody the better for all par---- [He is by this +time out of hearing in the corridor.] + + + + +THE PLAY + +A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. Two +chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The fireplace +has a mirror in the mantelpiece. + +A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the hotel +manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional habit, but +treating his customer with a condescending affability which sails very +close to the east wind of insolence. + +THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness on the +first floor. + +THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it. This +is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. + +THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well. + +She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits down. + +THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less noise; +and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, there is the +telephone-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone is so +difficult: I am not accustomed to it. + +THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I might--if +it would not be too much trouble. + +He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her chair, +terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the instrument. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It rings +again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She retreats hastily. +It rings repeatedly. She runs to it in desperation and puts the receiver +to her ear.] Who is there? What do I do? I am not used to the telephone: +I don't know how--What! Oh, I can hear you speaking quite distinctly. +[She sits down, delighted, and settles herself for a conversation.] How +wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I know. Yes, please, +send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch yet? Oh no: please +don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't matter. Thank you. What? +Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea--am I to hang it up just as it +was? Thank you. [She hangs it up.] + +Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a long +straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She comes to the end +of the table opposite to that at which the Princess is seated. + +THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the telephone: and +I heard quite well, though I have never ventured before. Won't you sit +down? + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's maid. I +understood you wanted one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so unpatriotic +to want anything now, on account of the war, you know. I sent my +maid away as a public duty; and now she has married a soldier and is +expecting a war baby. But I don't know how to do without her. I've tried +my very best; but somehow it doesn't answer: everybody cheats me; and +in the end it isn't any saving. So I've made up my mind to sell my piano +and have a maid. That will be a real saving, because I really don't care +a bit for music, though of course one has to pretend to. Don't you think +so? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be more +correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of kindness to +me, as I am out of place. + +THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er--you won't mind my +asking, will you?--how did you lose your place? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The war, Your Highness, the war. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of grief]. My +poor mistress-- + +THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So tactless +of me to mention it. + +ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears]. Your +Highness is too good. + +THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach such +importance to that. + +ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know--I shall. + +THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle. He is +very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a maid I liked +very much; but he sent her away the very first time. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done it +before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was so truly +contrite and nice about it. + +ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a rather +improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her. + +ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have been. I +wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that out. I hope you +are not too sharp. + +ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She produces some +letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no doubt. I have +one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.] + +THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How curious! + +ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have first-rate +testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter. + +THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every respect +a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he could +possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, of +course; but do you think I ought to? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most decidedly. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite right. +You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages--er--? + +ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your Highness +need not make any change. + +THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had such a +number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to raise +her wages again and again. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and I have +no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own dresses at +balls. + +THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle +can't object to that, can he? + +ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me about +it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle about +matters of business. + +THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. + +ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I should like +to set about my duties immediately. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I-- + +A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. + +ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it]. How +long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? + +THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter. + +THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam, +believe me. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here. + +THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager? + +ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you +treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is +this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your +cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were +flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea +at once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a +civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on +commercial travellers. + +THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. Two +years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was crowded with +the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie from nine to +six every day. But the war came; and my patients were ordered to give +up their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept their week-end +hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a waiter. +[He puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and +automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the +teapot's pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife +of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can +you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a +second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to +complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our miseries +nev---- [the manager enters]. Oh Lord! here he is. [The waiter withdraws +abjectly, taking the tea tray with him.] + +THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent +inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture +to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your +presence. + +THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way? + +ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down +forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her Highness +will require this room for twenty minutes. + +THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes! + +ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment +in a respectable hotel. + +THE MANAGER. I do not understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a +room on the second floor? + +THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At +least-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least? + +THE MANAGER. It is occupied. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not +occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen +express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor +who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5 francs a +bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same +hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the +best rooms. + +THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her +Highness was at all particular. + +ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's graciousness. You +impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog. +You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a +waiter. But don't think you can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and +I know the ladies' maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe +and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the +second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate +with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust off my +feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once. + +THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness believe this +of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me? + +THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I only +meant-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her Highness +is going to do the work of teaching you your place herself, instead of +leaving it to her maid. + +THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish is to +make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the war, all royal +personages now practise a rigid economy, and desire us to treat them +like their poorest subjects. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but don't +do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that suite on the +first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. And turn on the +heating apparatus until the temperature in the rooms is comfortably +warm. And have hot water put in all the bedrooms-- + +THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps. + +ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we must put up +with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang and guggle +all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I know. + +THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle. + +ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not pleased I'm +not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There is nothing +more, thank you. + +The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to the +Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to Ermyntrude; +and goes out. + +THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage? + +ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your Highness can +leave all unpleasant people to me. + +THE PRINCESS. How I wish I could! The most dreadful thing of all I have +to go through myself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Dare I ask what it is, Your Highness? + +THE PRINCESS. I'm going to be married. I'm to be met here and married to +a man I never saw. A boy! A boy who never saw me! One of the sons of the +Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Indeed? Which son? + +THE PRINCESS. I don't know. They haven't settled which. It's a dreadful +thing to be a princess: they just marry you to anyone they like. The +Inca is to come and look at me, and pick out whichever of his sons he +thinks will suit. And then I shall be an alien enemy everywhere except +in Perusalem, because the Inca has made war on everybody. And I shall +have to pretend that everybody has made war on him. It's too bad. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Still, a husband is a husband. I wish I had one. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, how can you say that! I'm afraid you're not a nice +woman. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Your Highness is provided for. I'm not. + +THE PRINCESS. Even if you could bear to let a man touch you, you +shouldn't say so. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I shall not say so again, Your Highness, except perhaps to +the man. + +THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be so +coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that you know +more about men than you should. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I ought to +have known you would not have spoken like that if you were not married. +That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so sorry. + +The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak. + +THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf of the +Inca of Perusalem. + +THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what shall +I do? + +THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. Captain +Duval. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca himself, +incognito. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. I'm not +properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: he would order +me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call tomorrow: say I'm ill +in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you must get rid of him somehow. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness. + +THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highness, and perfectly capable +of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the matter. [To the +Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and then show Captain Duval +in here. + +THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. Ermyntrude, +noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the table, runs after +her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, if I must have one of his +sons, I should like a fair one that doesn't shave, with soft hair and a +beard. I couldn't bear being kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, +the Manager bowing as she passes. He follows her.] + +Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself swiftly +into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with a large jewel +case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca. + +THE MANAGER. Captain Duval. + +The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and imposing stage +walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a gesture to place the +jewel case on the table; dismisses him with a frown; touches his helmet +graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes off his cloak. + +THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to speak to me +without ceremony. + +ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I hadn't the +slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. [She sits down: a +liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I am quite at a loss to +imagine why I should treat a perfect stranger named Duval: a captain! +almost a subaltern! with the smallest ceremony. + +THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my position. + +ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down. + +THE INCA [frowning.] What! + +ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down. + +THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business? + +THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst? + +THE INCA. Precisely. + +ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him the +Allerhochst. + +THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking? + +THE INCA. I--er. Er--I. I--er. I am not a good judge. + +ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously. + +THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to his +family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine, +half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose +duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself +otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable +offence--severely punishable--in Perusalem. It is called +Incadisparagement. + +ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh? + +THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] Ha ha! +Ha ha ha! + +ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask could +you laugh. + +THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that! +[He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more agreeable +person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot help it. I am +amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I admit. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business? + +THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into +solemnity.] I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note +of your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to +present you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty's regard. +I do consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and +presents it.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must have! I +can't wear that. + +THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed by the +Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the centre, the shield +of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions represent the ten castles +of His Majesty. The rim is a piece of the telephone cable laid by His +Majesty across the Shipskeel canal. The pin is a model in miniature of +the sword of Henry the Birdcatcher. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My good man, +you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as big as a turtle. +[He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much did it cost? + +THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million Perusalem +dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work of art. As such, +it is now worth probably ten million dollars. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy +something nice with the money. + +THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be exhibited +for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings himself into his +chair, fuming.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it to save +himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will get his money +back. Nobody would buy it, you know. + +THE INCA. May I ask why? + +ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you! + +THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have to +report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He rises +sulkily.] The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is not compatible +with the tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take back the brooch.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the brooch]. +Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me on behalf of the +Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was satisfactory. + +THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not allow +his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and you were the +only other human being on it [he strides up the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the table]. +How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It would have to +be quite morganatic. + +THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the mouth of +a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You have the morals +of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of laughter. He struggles +with his sense of humor.] At the same time [he sits down] there is a +certain coarse fun in the idea which compels me to smile [he turns up +his moustache and smiles.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make the Inca +order you to cut off that moustache. It is too irresistible. Doesn't it +fascinate everyone in Perusalem? + +THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the thunders of +Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your modesty. + +THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool. + +ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well! + +THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an exact +copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy itself with +the Inca's moustache or does it not? Does it ever occupy itself with +anything else? If that is the truth, does its recognition constitute +the Inca a coxcomb? Other potentates have moustaches: even beards +and moustaches. Does the world occupy itself with those beards and +moustaches? Do the hawkers in the streets of every capital on the +civilized globe sell ingenious cardboard representations of their faces +on which, at the pulling of a simple string, the moustaches turn up and +down, so--[he makes his moustache turn, up and down several times]? No! +I say No. The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has +made his face the political barometer of the whole continent. When that +moustache goes up, culture rises with it. Not what you call culture; +but Kultur, a word so much more significant that I hardly understand +it myself except when I am in specially good form. When it goes down, +millions of men perish. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You know, if I had a moustache like that, it would turn my +head. I should go mad. Are you quite sure the Inca isn't mad? + +THE INCA. How can he be mad, madam? What is sanity? The condition of the +Inca's mind. What is madness? The condition of the people who disagree +with the Inca. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that ridiculous +brooch. + +THE INCA. No, madam: you are only an idiot. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Thank you. + +THE INCA. Mark you: It is not to be expected that you should see eye to +eye with the Inca. That would be presumption. It is for you to accept +without question or demur the assurance of your Inca that the brooch is +a masterpiece. + +ERMYNTRUDE. MY Inca! Oh, come! I like that. He is not my Inca yet. + +THE INCA. He is everybody's Inca, madam. His realm will yet extend to +the confines of the habitable earth. It is his divine right; and let +those who dispute it look to themselves. Properly speaking, all those +who are now trying to shake his world predominance are not at war with +him, but in rebellion against him. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, he started it, you know. + +THE INCA. Madam, be just. When the hunters surround the lion, the lion +will spring. The Inca had kept the peace of years. Those who attacked +him were steeped in blood, black blood, white blood, brown blood, yellow +blood, blue blood. The Inca had never shed a drop. + +ERMYNTRUDE. He had only talked. + +THE INCA. Only TALKED! ONLY talked! What is more glorious than talk? Can +anyone in the world talk like him? Madam, when he signed the declaration +of war, he said to his foolish generals and admirals, 'Gentlemen, you +will all be sorry for this.' And they are. They know now that they had +better have relied on the sword of the spirit: in other words, on their +Inca's talk, than on their murderous cannons. The world will one day do +justice to the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his +tongue and his moustache. While he talked: talked just as I am talking +now to you, simply, quietly, sensibly, but GREATLY, there was peace; +there was prosperity; Perusalem went from success to success. He has +been silenced for a year by the roar of trinitrotoluene and the bluster +of fools; and the world is in ruins. What a tragedy! [He is convulsed +with grief.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Captain Duval, I don't want to be unsympathetic; but suppose +we get back to business. + +THE INCA. Business! What business? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, MY business. You want me to marry one of the Inca's +sons: I forget which. + +THE INCA. As far as I can recollect the name, it is His Imperial +Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef Alexander +Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. Oh, please, please, mayn't I have one with a +shorter name? What is he called at home? + +THE INCA. He is usually called Sonny, madam. [With great charm of +manner.] But you will please understand that the Inca has no desire to +pin you to any particular son. There is Chips and Spots and Lulu and +Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack Johnson the Second, +all unmarried. At least not seriously married: nothing, in short, that +cannot be arranged. They are all at your service. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Are they all as clever and charming as their father? + +THE INCA [lifts his eyebrows pityingly; shrugs his shoulders; then, +with indulgent paternal contempt]. Excellent lads, madam. Very honest +affectionate creatures. I have nothing against them. Pongo imitates +farmyard sounds--cock crowing and that sort of thing--extremely well. +Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on the mouth organ really +screamingly. Chips keeps owls and rabbits. Spots motor bicycles. The +Corsair commands canal barges and steers them himself. The Piffler +writes plays, and paints most abominably. Jack Johnson trims ladies' +hats, and boxes with professionals hired for that purpose. He is +invariably victorious. Yes: they all have their different little +talents. And also, of course, their family resemblances. For example, +they all smoke; they all quarrel with one another; and they none of them +appreciate their father, who, by the way, is no mean painter, though the +Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Quite a large choice, eh? + +THE INCA. But very little to choose, believe me. I should not recommend +Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has been necessary to +build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the royal family would get no +sleep. But any of the others would suit equally well--if you are really +bent on marrying one of them. + +ERMYNTRUDE. If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of them. I +thought you wanted me to. + +THE INCA. I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you are not +quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I doubt whether +any of these young degenerates would make you happy. I trust I am not +showing any want of natural feeling when I say that from the point of +view of a lively, accomplished, and beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] +they might pall after a time. I suggest that you might prefer the Inca +himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be of +any interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and most +far-reaching intellects in the world? + +TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, madam? Can +you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who is not a born +fool? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von Cockpits-- + +THE INCA [rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von +Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before three weeks +are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the man in the moon. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But General Von Schinkenburg-- + +THE INCA. Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius for +defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is invincible. But +what is the good of that? The world does not consist of market gardens. +Turn him loose in pasture and he is lost. The Inca has defeated all +these generals again and again at manoeuvres; and yet he has to +give place to them in the field because he would be blamed for every +disaster--accused of sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why +do they call him vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not +afraid to live. Why do they call themselves brave? Because they have +not sense enough to be afraid to die. Within the last year the world +has produced millions of heroes. Has it produced more than one Inca? [He +resumes his seat.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. Fortunately not, Captain. I'd rather marry Chips. + +THE INCA [making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn't marry Chips. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Why? + +THE INCA [whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about himself. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Well, what about Snooks? + +THE INCA. Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are so +many--[wearily] so many--that I often forget. [Casually.] But I wouldn't +marry him, anyhow, if I were you. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius? Surely, +if Providence has entrusted them with the care of Perusalem--if they are +all descended from Bedrock the Great-- + +THE INCA [interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I +consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch. + +ERMYNTRUDE [shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement. + +THE INCA. I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between ourselves, I +do not believe all this about Providence entrusting the care of sixty +million human beings to the abilities of Chips and the Piffler and Jack +Johnson. I believe in individual genius. That is the Inca's secret. It +must be. Why, hang it all, madam, if it were a mere family matter, the +Inca's uncle would have been as great a man as the Inca. And--well, +everybody knows what the Inca's uncle was. + +ERMYNTRUDE. My experience is that the relatives of men of genius are +always the greatest duffers imaginable. + +THE INCA. Precisely. That is what proves that the Inca is a man of +genius. His relatives ARE duffers. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But bless my soul, Captain, if all the Inca's generals are +incapables, and all his relatives duffers, Perusalem will be beaten in +the war; and then it will become a republic, like France after 1871, and +the Inca will be sent to St Helena. + +THE INCA [triumphantly]. That is just what the Inca is playing for, +madam. It is why he consented to the war. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! + +THE INCA. Aha! The fools talk of crushing the Inca; but they little know +their man. Tell me this. Why did St Helena extinguish Napoleon? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I give it up. + +THE INCA. Because, madam, with certain rather remarkable qualities, +which I should be the last to deny, Napoleon lacked versatility. After +all, any fool can be a soldier: we know that only too well in Perusalem, +where every fool is a soldier. But the Inca has a thousand other +resources. He is an architect. Well, St Helena presents an unlimited +field to the architect. He is a painter: need I remind you that St +Helena is still without a National Gallery? He is a composer: Napoleon +left no symphonies in St Helena. Send the Inca to St Helena, madam, +and the world will crowd thither to see his works as they crowd now to +Athens to see the Acropolis, to Madrid to see the pictures of Velasquez, +to Bayreuth to see the music dramas of that egotistical old rebel +Richard Wagner, who ought to have been shot before he was forty, as +indeed he very nearly was. Take this from me: hereditary monarchs are +played out: the age for men of genius has come: the career is open to +the talents: before ten years have elapsed every civilized country from +the Carpathians to the Rocky Mountains will be a Republic. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Then goodbye to the Inca. + +THE INCA. On the contrary, madam, the Inca will then have his first real +chance. He will be unanimously invited by those Republics to return from +his exile and act as Superpresident of all the republics. + +ERMYNTRUDE. But won't that be a come-down for him? Think of it! after +being Inca, to be a mere President! + +THE INCA. Well, why not! An Inca can do nothing. He is tied hand and +foot. A constitutional monarch is openly called an India-rubber stamp. +An emperor is a puppet. The Inca is not allowed to make a speech: he +is compelled to take up a screed of flatulent twaddle written by +some noodle of a minister and read it aloud. But look at the American +President! He is the Allerhochst, if you like. No, madam, believe me, +there is nothing like Democracy, American Democracy. Give the people +voting papers: good long voting papers, American fashion; and while the +people are reading the voting papers the Government does what it likes. + +ERMYNTRUDE. What! You too worship before the statue of Liberty, like the +Americans? + +THE INCA. Not at all, madam. The Americans do not worship the statue +of Liberty. They have erected it in the proper place for a statue of +Liberty: on its tomb [he turns down his moustaches.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [laughing]. Oh! You'd better not let them hear you say that, +Captain. + +THE INCA. Quite safe, madam: they would take it as a joke. [He rises.] +And now, prepare yourself for a surprise. [She rises]. A shock. Brace +yourself. Steel yourself. And do not be afraid. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Whatever on earth can you be going to tell me, Captain? + +THE INCA. Madam, I am no captain. I-- + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are the Inca in disguise. + +THE INCA. Good heavens! how do you know that? Who has betrayed me? + +ERMYNTRUDE. How could I help divining it, Sir? Who is there in the world +like you? Your magnetism-- + +THE INCA. True: I had forgotten my magnetism. But you know now that +beneath the trappings of Imperial Majesty there is a Man: simple, frank, +modest, unaffected, colloquial: a sincere friend, a natural human being, +a genial comrade, one eminently calculated to make a woman happy. You, +on the other hand, are the most charming woman I have ever met. Your +conversation is wonderful. I have sat here almost in silence, listening +to your shrewd and penetrating account of my character, my motives, if I +may say so, my talents. Never has such justice been done me: never have +I experienced such perfect sympathy. Will you--I hardly know how to put +this--will you be mine? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Sir, you are married. + +THE INCA. I am prepared to embrace the Mahometan faith, which allows a +man four wives, if you will consent. It will please the Turks. But I had +rather you did not mention it to the Inca-ess. If you don't mind. + +ERMYNTRUDE. This is really charming of you. But the time has come for +me to make a revelation. It is your Imperial Majesty's turn now to brace +yourself. To steel yourself. I am not the princess. I am-- + +THE INCA. The daughter of my old friend Archdeacon Daffodil Donkin, +whose sermons are read to me every evening after dinner. I never forget +a face. + +ERMYNTRUDE. You knew all along! + +THE INCA [bitterly, throwing himself into his chair]. And you supposed +that I, who have been condemned to the society of princesses all my +wretched life, believed for a moment that any princess that ever walked +could have your intelligence! + +ERMYNTRUDE. How clever of you, Sir! But you cannot afford to marry me. + +THE INCA [springing up]. Why not? + +ERMYNTRUDE. You are too poor. You have to eat war bread. Kings nowadays +belong to the poorer classes. The King of England does not even allow +himself wine at dinner. + +THE INCA [delighted]. Haw! Ha ha! Haw! haw! [He is convulsed with +laughter, and, finally has to relieve his feelings by waltzing half round +the room.] + +ERMYNTRUDE. You may laugh, Sir; but I really could not live in that +style. I am the widow of a millionaire, ruined by your little war. + +THE INCA. A millionaire! What are millionaires now, with the world +crumbling? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Excuse me: mine was a hyphenated millionaire. + +THE INCA. A highfalutin millionaire, you mean. [Chuckling]. Haw! ha ha! +really very nearly a pun, that. [He sits down in her chair.] + +ERMYNTRUDE [revolted, sinking into his chair]. I think it quite the +worst pun I ever heard. + +THE INCA. The best puns have all been made years ago: nothing remained +but to achieve the worst. However, madam [he rises majestically; and she +is about to rise also]. No: I prefer a seated audience [she falls back +into her seat at the imperious wave of his hand]. So [he clicks his +heels]. Madam, I recognize my presumption in having sought the honor +of your hand. As you say, I cannot afford it. Victorious as I am, I am +hopelessly bankrupt; and the worst of it is, I am intelligent enough +to know it. And I shall be beaten in consequence, because my most +implacable enemy, though only a few months further away from bankruptcy +than myself, has not a ray of intelligence, and will go on fighting +until civilization is destroyed, unless I, out of sheer pity for the +world, condescend to capitulate. + +ERMYNTRUDE. The sooner the better, Sir. Many fine young men are dying +while you wait. + +THE INCA [flinching painfully]. Why? Why do they do it? + +ERMYNTRUDE. Because you make them. + +THE INCA. Stuff! How can I? I am only one man; and they are millions. +Do you suppose they would really kill each other if they didn't want +to, merely for the sake of my beautiful eyes? Do not be deceived by +newspaper claptrap, madam. I was swept away by a passion not my own, +which imposed itself on me. By myself I am nothing. I dare not walk down +the principal street of my own capital in a coat two years old, though +the sweeper of that street can wear one ten years old. You talk of +death as an unpopular thing. You are wrong: for years I gave them art, +literature, science, prosperity, that they might live more abundantly; +and they hated me, ridiculed me, caricatured me. Now that I give them +death in its frightfullest forms, they are devoted to me. If you doubt +me, ask those who for years have begged our taxpayers in vain for a +few paltry thousands to spend on Life: on the bodies and minds of the +nation's children, on the beauty and healthfulness of its cities, on +the honor and comfort of its worn-out workers. They refused: and because +they refused, death is let loose on them. They grudged a few hundreds +a year for their salvation: they now pay millions a day for their own +destruction and damnation. And this they call my doing! Let them say it, +if they dare, before the judgment-seat at which they and I shall answer +at last for what we have left undone no less than for what we have done. +[Pulling himself together suddenly.] Madam, I have the honor to be your +most obedient [he clicks his heels and bows]. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Sir! [She curtsies.] + +THE INCA [turning at the door]. Oh, by the way, there is a princess, +isn't there, somewhere on the premises? + +ERMYNTRUDE. There is. Shall I fetch her? + +THE INCA [dubious], Pretty awful, I suppose, eh? + +ERMYNTRUDE. About the usual thing. + +THE INCA [sighing]. Ah well! What can one expect? I don't think I need +trouble her personally. Will you explain to her about the boys? + +ERMYNTRUDE. I am afraid the explanation will fall rather flat without +your magnetism. + +THE INCA [returning to her and speaking very humanly]. You are making +fun of me. Why does everybody make fun of me? Is it fair? + +ERMYNTRUDE [seriously]. Yes, it is fair. What other defence have we poor +common people against your shining armor, your mailed fist, your pomp +and parade, your terrible power over us? Are these things fair? + +THE INCA. Ah, well, perhaps, perhaps. [He looks at his watch.] By the +way, there is time for a drive round the town and a cup of tea at the +Zoo. Quite a bearable band there: it does not play any patriotic airs. +I am sorry you will not listen to any more permanent arrangement; but if +you would care to come-- + +ERMYNTRUDE [eagerly]. Ratherrrrrr. I shall be delighted. + +THE INCA [cautiously]. In the strictest honor, you understand. + +ERMYNTRUDE. Don't be afraid. I promise to refuse any incorrect +proposals. + +THE INCA [enchanted]. Oh! Charming woman: how well you understand men! + +He offers her his arm: they go out together. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + +***** This file should be named 3486-8.txt or 3486-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/8/3486/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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