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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:21:27 -0700 |
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diff --git a/3486-h/3486-h.htm b/3486-h/3486-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3857a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/3486-h/3486-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1874 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Inca of Perusalem: an Almost Historical Comedietta, by George Bernard + Shaw + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { text-align:justify} + P { margin:10%; + text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; } + hr.full { width: 100%; } + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + .play { margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; text-align: justify; } + img {border: 0;} + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 1%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: left; + color: gray; + } /* page numbers */ + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 1%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; + margin: 15%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 5%; margin-bottom: .75em; font-size: 100%;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 5%;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 20%;} + // +</style> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Inca of Perusalem + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Release Date: February 5, 2009 [EBook #3486] +Last Updated: December 10, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE INCA OF PERUSALEM: <br /><br /> AN ALMOST HISTORICAL COMEDIETTA + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By George Bernard Shaw + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + I must remind the reader that this playlet was written when its principal + character, far from being a fallen foe and virtually a prisoner in our + victorious hands, was still the Caesar whose legions we were resisting + with our hearts in our mouths. Many were so horribly afraid of him that + they could not forgive me for not being afraid of him: I seemed to be + trifling heartlessly with a deadly peril. I knew better; and I have + represented Caesar as knowing better himself. But it was one of the + quaintnesses of popular feeling during the war that anyone who breathed + the slightest doubt of the absolute perfection of German organization, the + Machiavellian depth of German diplomacy, the omniscience of German + science, the equipment of every German with a complete philosophy of + history, and the consequent hopelessness of overcoming so magnificently + accomplished an enemy except by the sacrifice of every recreative activity + to incessant and vehement war work, including a heartbreaking mass of + fussing and cadging and bluffing that did nothing but waste our energies + and tire our resolution, was called a pro-German. + </p> + <p> + Now that this is all over, and the upshot of the fighting has shown that + we could quite well have afforded to laugh at the doomed Inca, I am in + another difficulty. I may be supposed to be hitting Caesar when he is + down. That is why I preface the play with this reminder that when it was + written he was not down. To make quite sure, I have gone through the proof + sheets very carefully, and deleted everything that could possibly be + mistaken for a foul blow. I have of course maintained the ancient + privilege of comedy to chasten Caesar's foibles by laughing at them, + whilst introducing enough obvious and outrageous fiction to relieve both + myself and my model from the obligations and responsibilities of sober + history and biography. But I should certainly put the play in the fire + instead of publishing it if it contained a word against our defeated enemy + that I would not have written in 1913. + </p> + <p> + The Inca of Perusalem was performed for the first time in England by the + Pioneer Players at the Criterion Theatre, London, on 16th December, 1917, + with Gertrude Kingston as Ermyntrude, Helen Morris as the Princess, Nigel + Playfair as the waiter, Alfred Drayton as the hotel manager, C. Wordley + Hulse as the Archdeacon, and Randle Ayrton as the Inca. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PROL"> PROLOGUE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE PLAY </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="play"> + <a name="link2H_PROL" id="link2H_PROL"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PROLOGUE + </h2> + <p> + The tableau curtains are closed. An English archdeacon comes through + them in a condition of extreme irritation. He speaks through the + curtains to someone behind them. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Once for all, Ermyntrude, I cannot afford to maintain + you in your present extravagance. [He goes to a flight of steps leading + to the stalls and sits down disconsolately on the top step. A + fashionably dressed lady comes through the curtains and contemplates him + with patient obstinacy. He continues, grumbling.] An English clergyman's + daughter should be able to live quite respectably and comfortably on an + allowance of £150 a year, wrung with great difficulty from the domestic + budget. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You are not a common clergyman: you are an archdeacon. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON [angrily]. That does not affect my emoluments to the + extent of enabling me to support a daughter whose extravagance would + disgrace a royal personage. [Scrambling to his feet and scolding at + her.] What do you mean by it, Miss? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh really, father! Miss! Is that the way to talk to a widow? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Is that the way to talk to a father? Your marriage was a + most disastrous imprudence. It gave you habits that are absolutely + beyond your means—I mean beyond my means: you have no means. Why + did you not marry Matthews: the best curate I ever had? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I wanted to; and you wouldn't let me. You insisted on my + marrying Roosenhonkers-Pipstein. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. I had to do the best for you, my child. + Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How did you know he was a millionaire? + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. He came from America. Of course he was a millionaire. + Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had fifteen million dollars + when you married him. + </p> + <p> + ERYNTRUDE. His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen millions when + he died. He was a millionaire to the last. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing the knee + to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty thousand dollars + a year it secured to you, as we all thought. Only half the securities + could be called speculative. The other half were gilt-edged. What has + become of it all? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The speculative ones were not paid up; and the gilt-edged + ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show burst up. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Ermyntrude: what expressions! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what + expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short of it is + that I can't live in the squalid way you are accustomed to. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Squalid! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I have formed habits of comfort. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Comfort!! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. Call it + what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred thousand dollars + a year to run is intolerable to me. + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. Then, my dear, you had better become lady's maid to a + princess until you can find another millionaire to marry you. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the curtains.] + </p> + <p> + THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The lights are + lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. [He descends the + steps into the auditorium and makes for the door, grumbling all the + time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! [Barking.] Worthlessness!! + [Muttering.] I will not bear it any longer. Dresses, hats, furs, gloves, + motor rides: one bill after another: money going like water. No + restraint, no self-control, no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! + [Muttering again.] Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty + world! But I simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash my + hands of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any + good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner that + is understood by everybody the better for all par—— [He is + by this time out of hearing in the corridor.] + </p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PLAY + </h2> + <p> + A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. Two + chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The fireplace + has a mirror in the mantelpiece. + </p> + <p> + A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the hotel + manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional habit, but + treating his customer with a condescending affability which sails very + close to the east wind of insolence. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness on the + first floor. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it. This + is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe— + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well. + </p> + <p> + She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits down. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less noise; + and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, there is the + telephone— + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone is so + difficult: I am not accustomed to it. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I might—if + it would not be too much trouble. + </p> + <p> + He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her chair, + terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the instrument. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It rings + again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She retreats hastily. + It rings repeatedly. She runs to it in desperation and puts the receiver + to her ear.] Who is there? What do I do? I am not used to the telephone: + I don't know how—What! Oh, I can hear you speaking quite + distinctly. [She sits down, delighted, and settles herself for a + conversation.] How wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I + know. Yes, please, send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch + yet? Oh no: please don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't + matter. Thank you. What? Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea—am + I to hang it up just as it was? Thank you. [She hangs it up.] + </p> + <p> + Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a long + straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She comes to the end + of the table opposite to that at which the Princess is seated. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the telephone: and + I heard quite well, though I have never ventured before. Won't you sit + down? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's maid. I + understood you wanted one. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so unpatriotic + to want anything now, on account of the war, you know. I sent my maid + away as a public duty; and now she has married a soldier and is + expecting a war baby. But I don't know how to do without her. I've tried + my very best; but somehow it doesn't answer: everybody cheats me; and in + the end it isn't any saving. So I've made up my mind to sell my piano + and have a maid. That will be a real saving, because I really don't care + a bit for music, though of course one has to pretend to. Don't you think + so? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be more + correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of kindness to + me, as I am out of place. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er—you won't + mind my asking, will you?—how did you lose your place? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The war, Your Highness, the war. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of grief]. My + poor mistress— + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So tactless + of me to mention it. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears]. Your + Highness is too good. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach such + importance to that. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know—I shall. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle. He is + very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a maid I liked + very much; but he sent her away the very first time. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done it + before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was so truly + contrite and nice about it. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a rather + improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her. + </p> + <p> + ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have been. I + wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that out. I hope you + are not too sharp. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She produces some + letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no doubt. I have + one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.] + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How curious! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have first-rate + testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every respect + a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he could + possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, of + course; but do you think I ought to? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most decidedly. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite right. + You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages—er—? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your Highness + need not make any change. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had such a + number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to raise + her wages again and again. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and I have + no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own dresses at + balls. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle + can't object to that, can he? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me about it. + I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle about + matters of business. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I should like + to set about my duties immediately. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I— + </p> + <p> + A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it]. How + long has that been standing at the top of the stairs? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter. + </p> + <p> + THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam, + believe me. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here. + </p> + <p> + THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you + treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is + this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your + cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were + flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea at + once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a + civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on + commercial travellers. + </p> + <p> + THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody. Two + years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was crowded with + the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie from nine to + six every day. But the war came; and my patients were ordered to give up + their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept their week-end + hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a waiter. [He + puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and + automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the + teapot's pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife + of a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can + you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a + second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to + complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our miseries + nev—— [the manager enters]. Oh Lord! here he is. [The waiter + withdraws abjectly, taking the tea tray with him.] + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent + inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture to + ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your + presence. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down + forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her Highness + will require this room for twenty minutes. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment + in a respectable hotel. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. I do not understand. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a + room on the second floor? + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At least— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least? + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. It is occupied. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not + occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen + express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor + who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5 francs a + bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same + hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the + best rooms. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her + Highness was at all particular. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's graciousness. You + impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog. + You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a + waiter. But don't think you can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and + I know the ladies' maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe + and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the + second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate + with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust off my + feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness believe this + of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I only meant— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her Highness is + going to do the work of teaching you your place herself, instead of + leaving it to her maid. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish is to + make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the war, all royal + personages now practise a rigid economy, and desire us to treat them + like their poorest subjects. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but don't + do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that suite on the + first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. And turn on the + heating apparatus until the temperature in the rooms is comfortably + warm. And have hot water put in all the bedrooms— + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we must put up + with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang and guggle + all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I know. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not pleased I'm + not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There is nothing + more, thank you. + </p> + <p> + The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to the + Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to Ermyntrude; + and goes out. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your Highness can + leave all unpleasant people to me. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. How I wish I could! The most dreadful thing of all I have + to go through myself. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Dare I ask what it is, Your Highness? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I'm going to be married. I'm to be met here and married to + a man I never saw. A boy! A boy who never saw me! One of the sons of the + Inca of Perusalem. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Indeed? Which son? + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. I don't know. They haven't settled which. It's a dreadful + thing to be a princess: they just marry you to anyone they like. The + Inca is to come and look at me, and pick out whichever of his sons he + thinks will suit. And then I shall be an alien enemy everywhere except + in Perusalem, because the Inca has made war on everybody. And I shall + have to pretend that everybody has made war on him. It's too bad. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Still, a husband is a husband. I wish I had one. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, how can you say that! I'm afraid you're not a nice + woman. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Your Highness is provided for. I'm not. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Even if you could bear to let a man touch you, you + shouldn't say so. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I shall not say so again, Your Highness, except perhaps to + the man. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. It's too dreadful to think of. I wonder you can be so + coarse. I really don't think you'll suit. I feel sure now that you know + more about men than you should. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I am a widow, Your Highness. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [overwhelmed]. Oh, I BEG your pardon. Of course I ought to + have known you would not have spoken like that if you were not married. + That makes it all right, doesn't it? I'm so sorry. + </p> + <p> + The Manager returns, white, scared, hardly able to speak. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Your Highness, an officer asks to see you on behalf of the + Inca of Perusalem. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS [rising distractedly]. Oh, I can't, really. Oh, what shall + I do? + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. On important business, he says, Your Highness. Captain + Duval. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Duval! Nonsense! The usual thing. It is the Inca himself, + incognito. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, send him away. Oh, I'm so afraid of the Inca. I'm not + properly dressed to receive him; and he is so particular: he would order + me to stay in my room for a week. Tell him to call tomorrow: say I'm ill + in bed. I can't: I won't: I daren't: you must get rid of him somehow. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Leave him to me, Your Highness. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. You'd never dare! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I am an Englishwoman, Your Highness, and perfectly capable + of tackling ten Incas if necessary. I will arrange the matter. [To the + Manager.] Show Her Highness to her bedroom; and then show Captain Duval + in here. + </p> + <p> + THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you so much. [She goes to the door. Ermyntrude, + noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the table, runs after + her with them.] Oh, THANK you. And oh, please, if I must have one of his + sons, I should like a fair one that doesn't shave, with soft hair and a + beard. I couldn't bear being kissed by a bristly person. [She runs out, + the Manager bowing as she passes. He follows her.] + </p> + <p> + Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof; hides it; and gets herself swiftly + into perfect trim at the mirror, before the Manager, with a large jewel + case in his hand, returns, ushering in the Inca. + </p> + <p> + THE MANAGER. Captain Duval. + </p> + <p> + The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and imposing stage + walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a gesture to place the + jewel case on the table; dismisses him with a frown; touches his helmet + graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes off his cloak. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to speak to me + without ceremony. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I hadn't the + slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. [She sits down: a + liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I am quite at a loss to + imagine why I should treat a perfect stranger named Duval: a captain! + almost a subaltern! with the smallest ceremony. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my position. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. It doesn't matter. You may sit down. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [frowning.] What! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I said, you...may...sit...down. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What is your business? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The Allerhochst? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Precisely. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him the + Allerhochst. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Is he nice looking? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I—er. Er—I. I—er. I am not a good judge. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. They say he takes himself very seriously. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to his + family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine, + half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose + duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself + otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable + offence—severely punishable—in Perusalem. It is called + Incadisparagement. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] Ha ha! + Ha ha ha! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask could + you laugh. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that! [He + laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more agreeable + person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot help it. I am + amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I admit. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into + solemnity.] I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note of + your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to + present you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty's regard. I + do consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and + presents it.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must have! I + can't wear that. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed by the + Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the centre, the shield + of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions represent the ten castles of + His Majesty. The rim is a piece of the telephone cable laid by His + Majesty across the Shipskeel canal. The pin is a model in miniature of + the sword of Henry the Birdcatcher. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My good man, + you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as big as a turtle. + [He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much did it cost? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million Perusalem + dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work of art. As such, + it is now worth probably ten million dollars. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy + something nice with the money. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be exhibited + for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings himself into his + chair, fuming.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it to save + himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will get his money + back. Nobody would buy it, you know. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. May I ask why? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have to + report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He rises + sulkily.] The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is not compatible + with the tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take back the brooch.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the brooch]. + Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me on behalf of the + Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was satisfactory. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not allow + his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and you were the + only other human being on it [he strides up the room.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the table]. + How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It would have to + be quite morganatic. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the mouth of + a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You have the morals + of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of laughter. He struggles + with his sense of humor.] At the same time [he sits down] there is a + certain coarse fun in the idea which compels me to smile [he turns up + his moustache and smiles.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make the Inca + order you to cut off that moustache. It is too irresistible. Doesn't it + fascinate everyone in Perusalem? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the thunders of + Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your modesty. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an exact + copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy itself with + the Inca's moustache or does it not? Does it ever occupy itself with + anything else? If that is the truth, does its recognition constitute the + Inca a coxcomb? Other potentates have moustaches: even beards and + moustaches. Does the world occupy itself with those beards and + moustaches? Do the hawkers in the streets of every capital on the + civilized globe sell ingenious cardboard representations of their faces + on which, at the pulling of a simple string, the moustaches turn up and + down, so—[he makes his moustache turn, up and down several times]? + No! I say No. The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has + made his face the political barometer of the whole continent. When that + moustache goes up, culture rises with it. Not what you call culture; but + Kultur, a word so much more significant that I hardly understand it + myself except when I am in specially good form. When it goes down, + millions of men perish. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You know, if I had a moustache like that, it would turn my + head. I should go mad. Are you quite sure the Inca isn't mad? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. How can he be mad, madam? What is sanity? The condition of the + Inca's mind. What is madness? The condition of the people who disagree + with the Inca. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that ridiculous + brooch. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. No, madam: you are only an idiot. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Thank you. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Mark you: It is not to be expected that you should see eye to + eye with the Inca. That would be presumption. It is for you to accept + without question or demur the assurance of your Inca that the brooch is + a masterpiece. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. MY Inca! Oh, come! I like that. He is not my Inca yet. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. He is everybody's Inca, madam. His realm will yet extend to + the confines of the habitable earth. It is his divine right; and let + those who dispute it look to themselves. Properly speaking, all those + who are now trying to shake his world predominance are not at war with + him, but in rebellion against him. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, he started it, you know. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Madam, be just. When the hunters surround the lion, the lion + will spring. The Inca had kept the peace of years. Those who attacked + him were steeped in blood, black blood, white blood, brown blood, yellow + blood, blue blood. The Inca had never shed a drop. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. He had only talked. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Only TALKED! ONLY talked! What is more glorious than talk? Can + anyone in the world talk like him? Madam, when he signed the declaration + of war, he said to his foolish generals and admirals, 'Gentlemen, you + will all be sorry for this.' And they are. They know now that they had + better have relied on the sword of the spirit: in other words, on their + Inca's talk, than on their murderous cannons. The world will one day do + justice to the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his + tongue and his moustache. While he talked: talked just as I am talking + now to you, simply, quietly, sensibly, but GREATLY, there was peace; + there was prosperity; Perusalem went from success to success. He has + been silenced for a year by the roar of trinitrotoluene and the bluster + of fools; and the world is in ruins. What a tragedy! [He is convulsed + with grief.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Captain Duval, I don't want to be unsympathetic; but suppose + we get back to business. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Business! What business? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, MY business. You want me to marry one of the Inca's + sons: I forget which. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. As far as I can recollect the name, it is His Imperial + Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef Alexander + Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. Oh, please, please, mayn't I have one with a + shorter name? What is he called at home? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. He is usually called Sonny, madam. [With great charm of + manner.] But you will please understand that the Inca has no desire to + pin you to any particular son. There is Chips and Spots and Lulu and + Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack Johnson the Second, all + unmarried. At least not seriously married: nothing, in short, that + cannot be arranged. They are all at your service. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Are they all as clever and charming as their father? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [lifts his eyebrows pityingly; shrugs his shoulders; then, with + indulgent paternal contempt]. Excellent lads, madam. Very honest + affectionate creatures. I have nothing against them. Pongo imitates + farmyard sounds—cock crowing and that sort of thing—extremely + well. Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on the mouth organ really + screamingly. Chips keeps owls and rabbits. Spots motor bicycles. The + Corsair commands canal barges and steers them himself. The Piffler + writes plays, and paints most abominably. Jack Johnson trims ladies' + hats, and boxes with professionals hired for that purpose. He is + invariably victorious. Yes: they all have their different little + talents. And also, of course, their family resemblances. For example, + they all smoke; they all quarrel with one another; and they none of them + appreciate their father, who, by the way, is no mean painter, though the + Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Quite a large choice, eh? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. But very little to choose, believe me. I should not recommend + Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has been necessary to + build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the royal family would get no + sleep. But any of the others would suit equally well—if you are + really bent on marrying one of them. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of them. I + thought you wanted me to. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you are not + quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I doubt whether any + of these young degenerates would make you happy. I trust I am not + showing any want of natural feeling when I say that from the point of + view of a lively, accomplished, and beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] + they might pall after a time. I suggest that you might prefer the Inca + himself. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be of any + interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and most + far-reaching intellects in the world? + </p> + <p> + TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, madam? Can + you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who is not a born + fool? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von Cockpits— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von + Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before three weeks + are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the man in the moon. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But General Von Schinkenburg— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius for + defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is invincible. But + what is the good of that? The world does not consist of market gardens. + Turn him loose in pasture and he is lost. The Inca has defeated all + these generals again and again at manoeuvres; and yet he has to give + place to them in the field because he would be blamed for every disaster—accused + of sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why do they call him + vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not afraid to live. + Why do they call themselves brave? Because they have not sense enough to + be afraid to die. Within the last year the world has produced millions + of heroes. Has it produced more than one Inca? [He resumes his seat.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Fortunately not, Captain. I'd rather marry Chips. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn't marry Chips. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Why? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about himself. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Well, what about Snooks? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are so + many—[wearily] so many—that I often forget. [Casually.] But + I wouldn't marry him, anyhow, if I were you. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius? Surely, + if Providence has entrusted them with the care of Perusalem—if + they are all descended from Bedrock the Great— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I + consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between ourselves, I do + not believe all this about Providence entrusting the care of sixty + million human beings to the abilities of Chips and the Piffler and Jack + Johnson. I believe in individual genius. That is the Inca's secret. It + must be. Why, hang it all, madam, if it were a mere family matter, the + Inca's uncle would have been as great a man as the Inca. And—well, + everybody knows what the Inca's uncle was. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. My experience is that the relatives of men of genius are + always the greatest duffers imaginable. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Precisely. That is what proves that the Inca is a man of + genius. His relatives ARE duffers. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But bless my soul, Captain, if all the Inca's generals are + incapables, and all his relatives duffers, Perusalem will be beaten in + the war; and then it will become a republic, like France after 1871, and + the Inca will be sent to St Helena. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [triumphantly]. That is just what the Inca is playing for, + madam. It is why he consented to the war. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Aha! The fools talk of crushing the Inca; but they little know + their man. Tell me this. Why did St Helena extinguish Napoleon? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I give it up. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Because, madam, with certain rather remarkable qualities, + which I should be the last to deny, Napoleon lacked versatility. After + all, any fool can be a soldier: we know that only too well in Perusalem, + where every fool is a soldier. But the Inca has a thousand other + resources. He is an architect. Well, St Helena presents an unlimited + field to the architect. He is a painter: need I remind you that St + Helena is still without a National Gallery? He is a composer: Napoleon + left no symphonies in St Helena. Send the Inca to St Helena, madam, and + the world will crowd thither to see his works as they crowd now to + Athens to see the Acropolis, to Madrid to see the pictures of Velasquez, + to Bayreuth to see the music dramas of that egotistical old rebel + Richard Wagner, who ought to have been shot before he was forty, as + indeed he very nearly was. Take this from me: hereditary monarchs are + played out: the age for men of genius has come: the career is open to + the talents: before ten years have elapsed every civilized country from + the Carpathians to the Rocky Mountains will be a Republic. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Then goodbye to the Inca. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. On the contrary, madam, the Inca will then have his first real + chance. He will be unanimously invited by those Republics to return from + his exile and act as Superpresident of all the republics. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. But won't that be a come-down for him? Think of it! after + being Inca, to be a mere President! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Well, why not! An Inca can do nothing. He is tied hand and + foot. A constitutional monarch is openly called an India-rubber stamp. + An emperor is a puppet. The Inca is not allowed to make a speech: he is + compelled to take up a screed of flatulent twaddle written by some + noodle of a minister and read it aloud. But look at the American + President! He is the Allerhochst, if you like. No, madam, believe me, + there is nothing like Democracy, American Democracy. Give the people + voting papers: good long voting papers, American fashion; and while the + people are reading the voting papers the Government does what it likes. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. What! You too worship before the statue of Liberty, like the + Americans? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Not at all, madam. The Americans do not worship the statue of + Liberty. They have erected it in the proper place for a statue of + Liberty: on its tomb [he turns down his moustaches.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [laughing]. Oh! You'd better not let them hear you say that, + Captain. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Quite safe, madam: they would take it as a joke. [He rises.] + And now, prepare yourself for a surprise. [She rises]. A shock. Brace + yourself. Steel yourself. And do not be afraid. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Whatever on earth can you be going to tell me, Captain? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Madam, I am no captain. I— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You are the Inca in disguise. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Good heavens! how do you know that? Who has betrayed me? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How could I help divining it, Sir? Who is there in the world + like you? Your magnetism— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. True: I had forgotten my magnetism. But you know now that + beneath the trappings of Imperial Majesty there is a Man: simple, frank, + modest, unaffected, colloquial: a sincere friend, a natural human being, + a genial comrade, one eminently calculated to make a woman happy. You, + on the other hand, are the most charming woman I have ever met. Your + conversation is wonderful. I have sat here almost in silence, listening + to your shrewd and penetrating account of my character, my motives, if I + may say so, my talents. Never has such justice been done me: never have + I experienced such perfect sympathy. Will you—I hardly know how to + put this—will you be mine? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Oh, Sir, you are married. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. I am prepared to embrace the Mahometan faith, which allows a + man four wives, if you will consent. It will please the Turks. But I had + rather you did not mention it to the Inca-ess. If you don't mind. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. This is really charming of you. But the time has come for me + to make a revelation. It is your Imperial Majesty's turn now to brace + yourself. To steel yourself. I am not the princess. I am— + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. The daughter of my old friend Archdeacon Daffodil Donkin, + whose sermons are read to me every evening after dinner. I never forget + a face. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You knew all along! + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [bitterly, throwing himself into his chair]. And you supposed + that I, who have been condemned to the society of princesses all my + wretched life, believed for a moment that any princess that ever walked + could have your intelligence! + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. How clever of you, Sir! But you cannot afford to marry me. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [springing up]. Why not? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You are too poor. You have to eat war bread. Kings nowadays + belong to the poorer classes. The King of England does not even allow + himself wine at dinner. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [delighted]. Haw! Ha ha! Haw! haw! [He is convulsed with + laughter, and, finally has to relieve his feelings by waltzing half + round the room.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. You may laugh, Sir; but I really could not live in that + style. I am the widow of a millionaire, ruined by your little war. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. A millionaire! What are millionaires now, with the world + crumbling? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Excuse me: mine was a hyphenated millionaire. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. A highfalutin millionaire, you mean. [Chuckling]. Haw! ha ha! + really very nearly a pun, that. [He sits down in her chair.] + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [revolted, sinking into his chair]. I think it quite the + worst pun I ever heard. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. The best puns have all been made years ago: nothing remained + but to achieve the worst. However, madam [he rises majestically; and she + is about to rise also]. No: I prefer a seated audience [she falls back + into her seat at the imperious wave of his hand]. So [he clicks his + heels]. Madam, I recognize my presumption in having sought the honor of + your hand. As you say, I cannot afford it. Victorious as I am, I am + hopelessly bankrupt; and the worst of it is, I am intelligent enough to + know it. And I shall be beaten in consequence, because my most + implacable enemy, though only a few months further away from bankruptcy + than myself, has not a ray of intelligence, and will go on fighting + until civilization is destroyed, unless I, out of sheer pity for the + world, condescend to capitulate. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. The sooner the better, Sir. Many fine young men are dying + while you wait. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [flinching painfully]. Why? Why do they do it? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Because you make them. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Stuff! How can I? I am only one man; and they are millions. Do + you suppose they would really kill each other if they didn't want to, + merely for the sake of my beautiful eyes? Do not be deceived by + newspaper claptrap, madam. I was swept away by a passion not my own, + which imposed itself on me. By myself I am nothing. I dare not walk down + the principal street of my own capital in a coat two years old, though + the sweeper of that street can wear one ten years old. You talk of death + as an unpopular thing. You are wrong: for years I gave them art, + literature, science, prosperity, that they might live more abundantly; + and they hated me, ridiculed me, caricatured me. Now that I give them + death in its frightfullest forms, they are devoted to me. If you doubt + me, ask those who for years have begged our taxpayers in vain for a few + paltry thousands to spend on Life: on the bodies and minds of the + nation's children, on the beauty and healthfulness of its cities, on the + honor and comfort of its worn-out workers. They refused: and because + they refused, death is let loose on them. They grudged a few hundreds a + year for their salvation: they now pay millions a day for their own + destruction and damnation. And this they call my doing! Let them say it, + if they dare, before the judgment-seat at which they and I shall answer + at last for what we have left undone no less than for what we have done. + [Pulling himself together suddenly.] Madam, I have the honor to be your + most obedient [he clicks his heels and bows]. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Sir! [She curtsies.] + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [turning at the door]. Oh, by the way, there is a princess, + isn't there, somewhere on the premises? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. There is. Shall I fetch her? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [dubious], Pretty awful, I suppose, eh? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. About the usual thing. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [sighing]. Ah well! What can one expect? I don't think I need + trouble her personally. Will you explain to her about the boys? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. I am afraid the explanation will fall rather flat without + your magnetism. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [returning to her and speaking very humanly]. You are making + fun of me. Why does everybody make fun of me? Is it fair? + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [seriously]. Yes, it is fair. What other defence have we poor + common people against your shining armor, your mailed fist, your pomp + and parade, your terrible power over us? Are these things fair? + </p> + <p> + THE INCA. Ah, well, perhaps, perhaps. [He looks at his watch.] By the + way, there is time for a drive round the town and a cup of tea at the + Zoo. Quite a bearable band there: it does not play any patriotic airs. I + am sorry you will not listen to any more permanent arrangement; but if + you would care to come— + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE [eagerly]. Ratherrrrrr. I shall be delighted. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [cautiously]. In the strictest honor, you understand. + </p> + <p> + ERMYNTRUDE. Don't be afraid. I promise to refuse any incorrect + proposals. + </p> + <p> + THE INCA [enchanted]. Oh! Charming woman: how well you understand men! + </p> + <p> + He offers her his arm: they go out together. + </p> + <br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Inca of Perusalem, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE INCA OF PERUSALEM *** + +***** This file should be named 3486-h.htm or 3486-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/8/3486/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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