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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by 
+Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cat and Fiddle Book
+       Eight Dramatised Nursery Rhymes for Nursery Performers
+
+Author: Lady Florence Bell
+        Mrs. Herbert Richmond
+
+Release Date: December 27, 2010 [EBook #34763]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+_The CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK_
+
+
+
+
+  Other Books of Plays for Children
+  by LADY BELL
+
+  _Petit Théâtre des Enfants_      Twelfth Impression
+  _Nursery Comedies_               Eighth      "
+  _Théâtre de la Jeunesse_         Twelfth     "
+  _Fairy-Tale Plays_               Fifth       "
+  _The Mother Hubbard Book_
+
+
+
+
+  _The_
+  CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK
+
+  _Eight dramatised Nursery Rhymes for Nursery Performers_
+
+  _by_
+  LADY BELL
+  _and_
+  MRS. HERBERT RICHMOND
+
+
+  LONGMANS, GREEN AND CO.
+  39 PATERNOSTER ROW, LONDON, E.C.4
+  NEW YORK, TORONTO
+  BOMBAY, CALCUTTA AND MADRAS
+  1922
+  _Printed in Great Britain_
+
+
+
+
+  _To_
+  _MY TEN GRANDCHILDREN_
+
+
+  Eight of whom
+
+    PAULINE, GEORGE, KITTY, MARY, BRIDGET,
+    VALENTINE, MARJORIE, AND FLORENCE
+
+  have "created" many of the parts in these playlets, and two of whom,
+  BILL and GEOFFREY, are still among the audience.
+
+                                                                F.B.
+                                                              May 1922
+
+
+  _Made in Great Britain_
+
+
+
+
+_The TABLE OF CONTENTS_
+
+
+  BY LADY BELL
+
+  The Cat and the Fiddle           _p._  9
+  Lucy Locket                      _p._ 13
+  Polly Put the Kettle On          _p._ 17
+  Goosey-Gander                    _p._ 21
+  Oranges and Lemons               _p._ 27
+  Ride-a-Cock-horse                _p._ 32
+
+
+  BY MRS. HERBERT RICHMOND
+
+  Little Miss Muffet               _p._ 37
+  Humpty Dumpty                    _p._ 42
+
+
+¶ The Characters in list at the beginning of each play are always given
+in the order of their appearance.
+
+
+
+
+_SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR THE "PRODUCERS" OF THESE PLAYLETS_
+
+
+In every case the tune of the nursery rhyme, the dramatized version of
+which is about to be acted, should be played through twice on the piano
+before the curtain is raised: the first time without singing; the second
+time the audience, of which the majority presumably will be children,
+should be asked to join in and sing it too, led by the performers
+singing it behind the scenes. At the close of the piece, when the
+curtain has fallen at the place indicated in the text it should (if
+justified by applause) be raised again, discovering the performers
+standing in a row. These should sing the rhyme through again to the
+piano accompaniment, the audience joining in as before, after which the
+curtain is finally lowered.
+
+The scenery can in nearly every case be arranged by using folding
+screens. In one or two pieces, such as _Goosey-Goosey-Gander_ and
+_Ride-a-Cock-horse_, it would be improved by being a little more
+elaborate. But even in these, if there is no artist in the family who
+can paint a Banbury Cross or a farmyard in the background, a large label
+can be hung up to show in what kind of surroundings the action is taking
+place. As to costume, the period of none of the plays, fortunately, is
+precisely known, and the performers therefore can be dressed up as they
+choose. Where animals' heads are required, such as the COW, DOG, and CAT
+in the _Cat and the Fiddle_, the GOOSE and DRAKE in _Goosey-Gander_, and
+the COCK in _Ride-a-Cock-horse_, these will not be found very difficult
+to make out of cardboard, not too stiff, bent to the shape required and
+roughly painted.
+
+In one or two of the plays there are speaking parts which can be taken
+by quite little children, such as the DISH and SPOON in the _Cat and the
+Fiddle_, the latter especially being within the grasp of the smallest
+performer able to speak distinctly enough for the words to be
+recognisable. The part of POLLY in _Polly Put the Kettle On_ can be
+played by any intelligent child of five. In _Oranges and Lemons_,
+_Humpty Dumpty_, and _Ride-a-Cock-horse_ there are possibilities of a
+crowd in which any number of children available can "come on" and so
+take a share in the performance.
+
+The writer ventures to suggest that the preface of a book entitled
+_Fairy-Tale Plays_ (Longman) contains detailed directions which may be
+found helpful for rehearsing with children. The great thing for the
+"Producers" to remember is not to cast a gloom over the proceedings by
+being depressed or losing their tempers when the performers still don't
+know their parts on the day of the performance, when their "business" at
+that performance is exactly opposite to that inculcated at rehearsals,
+and when they invent on "the night" an entirely new series of mistakes.
+It does not matter if they do. The audience, which will probably largely
+consist of the relations of the performers, will be just as pleased
+whatever happens, and so will every child-lover who is looking on. So
+will the actors, whose enjoyment is assured if they are acting and
+dressing up. And the spectator who does not like seeing their enjoyment
+does not deserve to have any himself, so we need not take him into
+account.
+
+Neither the writer nor the producers of these absurd little plays,
+therefore, need have much fear of failure. They are spared the acute
+preliminary--and subsequent--agonies of those who produce plays of a
+larger size and a better quality than those contained in this little
+book.
+
+  _May 1922._                                          FLORENCE BELL
+
+
+
+
+THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_A room in Mrs. MOOCOWS Boarding House. A chair R.C., a settee, or
+another chair, up stage R. At back L.C. two ordinary folding screens
+about 2ft. 6in. apart, a curtain hung across the space between them.
+A picture of a full moon painted on a large piece of cardboard must be
+propped up behind the opening between the screens, so that when the
+curtain is drawn back the moon is seen on the horizon_, i.e. _its lower
+edge on the level of the ground._
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+_In order of their appearance_
+
+  THE COW
+  THE DOG
+  THE CAT
+  THE DISH
+  THE SPOON
+
+
+COW. Dog!
+
+DOG. Yes?
+
+COW. Do you like the cat?
+
+DOG. No, I don't. Do you?
+
+COW. Of course not.
+
+DOG. Why _did_ you have her to lodge with you?
+
+COW. I really don't know. I thought it would be nice to have someone who
+was fond of music.
+
+DOG. _I'm_ fond of it, but not of the cat's music.
+
+COW. No, her music is a disappointment.
+
+DOG. I don't care about that great lumpy fiddle of hers, either.
+
+COW. And she _will_ accompany herself on it when she mews.
+
+DOG. And then, she's so vain.
+
+COW. Yes! She told me she could jump better than I could.
+
+DOG. Oh, how absurd.
+
+COW. She says I can't climb a tree.
+
+DOG. And can you?
+
+COW. I've never tried it--I don't want to. She says _you_ can't climb a
+tree.
+
+DOG. Well, what then? I can stand at the bottom of it and bark. Can she
+do that?
+
+COW. Of course not. And I told her that if I liked I could jump over the
+moon.
+
+DOG [_rather incredulous_]. Could you, Cow? Could you?
+
+COW. If it were near the ground.
+
+DOG. But is it ever near the ground?
+
+COW. Certainly, when it is quite low down and looks all big and red.
+
+DOG. Oh yes, to be sure.
+
+COW. And then, the cat gives such a lot of trouble. She must have her
+dinner on a dish every day, all mixed up with a spoon.
+
+DOG. Such a fuss! Why can't she just have a bone on the drawing-room
+carpet--nothing nicer than that.
+
+COW. Or some grass in the field--so simple? The Dish and the Spoon don't
+like having to come down from the dresser so often. They like being
+quiet. [_Mewing heard._] Not much chance of being quiet with a cat who
+practises all day.
+
+    [_Enter CAT L., mewing. She is carrying a 'cello or a
+    violin, preferably the former. She sits down on chair R.C. and
+    pretends to tune her instrument, mewing the note and turning the
+    pegs. If a grown-up who can play the tune on one of these
+    instruments is not available for the part of the cat, the child
+    who acts it can be taught, while mewing the tune through after
+    tuning, to draw the bow across the open D string and A string on
+    first beat, provided the instrument is not too precious for such
+    handling._
+
+COW. May I ask, Cat----
+
+CAT. Don't interrupt, please, when I'm practising. I'm going to mew at a
+concert to-night.                                            [_Goes on._
+
+    [_The COW and the DOG join in, mooing and barking._
+
+CAT [_at end of tune_]. What are you doing?
+
+COW. We're joining in the chorus.
+
+CAT. There isn't a chorus to that song.
+
+DOG. There was that time.
+
+CAT. Well, don't let it happen again. I shan't practise any more for the
+present.
+
+DOG. That's a comfort.
+
+CAT. I want my dinner.
+
+COW [_calls off_]. Dish! Spoon! Bring the Cat's dinner.
+
+    _Enter DISH and SPOON R._
+
+DISH and SPOON. If you please, we wish to give notice.
+
+COW. Notice! Why?
+
+DISH. There is too much to do here. We don't like having to bring in so
+many meals for the Cat.
+
+SPOON. No, we don't.
+
+CAT. What impertinence!
+
+DOG. Well, then, I'll give notice too as a lodger. I don't like living
+under the same roof as the Cat.
+
+COW. Do you hear. Cat? You are breaking up my establishment. I must ask
+you to leave this day week.
+
+CAT. Certainly not. I've got my rooms by the year, remember.
+
+DOG. Oh dear. Bow, wow, wow.
+
+CAT. May I ask why you don't like me?
+
+DOG. I don't like your ways. You wag your tail when you're angry instead
+of wagging it when you're pleased.
+
+CAT. It _is_ a silly doggish plan to wag it when you're pleased. How can
+people know what you mean?
+
+COW. And you're so vain.
+
+CAT. What about you? You said you could jump over the moon.
+
+COW. I said I could if I liked. But I don't like.
+
+CAT. I'll bet you can't jump over the moon, whether you like it or not.
+
+COW. I never bet.
+
+CAT. Then we won't bet for money. But I'll bet you you can't jump over
+the moon, and if you can, then I'll have lost my bet, and I'll go away
+as you ask; but if you can't, then I'll stay here as long as I please.
+
+DOG [_who has slyly pulled aside the curtain--aside to_ COW]. Say yes,
+the moon's quite low.
+
+COW [_to_ CAT]. All right, I'll take your bet.
+
+DOG. And I'll be umpire.
+
+CAT. Fair play, mind.
+
+DOG. Dogs are always honest, they are not like cats.
+
+CAT. And cats are always polite. They are not like dogs.
+
+DOG. Now listen, Cat. If the Cow jumps so high that we can see the moon
+beneath her, that shall be counted jumping over the moon.
+
+CAT. All right, then, draw the curtain so that we can see the moon.
+
+    [_DISH draws the curtain--moon seen on the horizon._
+
+DOG. Now then. One, two, three.
+
+    [_COW jumps. Moon seen under her as she jumps._
+
+DOG. Ha, ha, ha! It makes me laugh to see such sport. Cow, you have won.
+We saw the moon under you as you jumped.
+
+DISH and SPOON. Yes, we did!
+
+DOG [_to_ CAT]. You have lost your bet.
+
+CAT. I'm very glad to go away from you all. I don't like those
+lumpy-jumpy ways.
+
+ALL. We're glad too, so we're all satisfied!
+
+    [_Exit CAT, mewing and fiddling._
+
+DISH. Come along, Spoon. I'll run away with you into the fields.
+
+COW. Oh, what fun! we'll all elope together. Come on, Dog!
+
+    [_They all dance round, and finally out. Length of dance ad
+    lib., but they must go round twice at least. As they go from one
+    side of the stage to the other, CAT comes in, in the contrary
+    direction, meeting them. She carries her 'cello and stick in
+    one hand, and in the other a small suit case. She tosses her
+    head scornfully at the others and marches out._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 1. THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE.
+
+Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jump'd over the moon
+the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish ran away with the
+spoon.]
+
+
+
+
+LUCY LOCKET
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. LOCKET
+  LUCY, her daughter
+  KITTY FISHER, her niece
+
+Produced at St. Mary's Hospital, Paddington, during the Christmas season
+of 1921, with the following cast:
+
+  _Mrs. Locket_: SYBIL THORNDIKE
+  _Lucy Locket_: MARY CASSON
+  _Kitty Fisher_: ANN CASSON
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_MRS. LOCKET'S Drawing Room. Small table L. with workbox, etc., on it.
+R.C. armchair L. of table. L.C. higher chair. MRS. LOCKET on armchair,
+sewing; LUCY on higher chair, swinging her legs._
+
+
+MRS. L. Oh dear, I never thought I should have such a careless child.
+
+LUCY. Why didn't you think so, mother?
+
+MRS. L. Because I was so very tidy myself when I was a little girl--just
+like your Cousin Kitty. Oh, why are you not like her!
+
+LUCY. I do think Kitty is so boring.
+
+MRS. L. My dear child! How wrong to say such a thing of your cousin.
+
+LUCY. But, mother, you always say I'm to tell the truth. So as she is
+boring, I must say so.
+
+MRS. L. It's wrong to be bored by people who are good. Kitty is so tidy,
+so careful about everything: so unlike you. You're so heedless I can't
+even send you to the village shop for me.
+
+LUCY. Oh, mother do let me go to the shop for you. I'm sure I could.
+
+MRS. L. I do want two pennorth of pepper, but I can't trust you to get
+it. I'm sure you would lose the pennies.
+
+LUCY. No, no. I would hold them tightly in my hand. You see, I haven't a
+pocket in this frock. That's one reason why I lose things.
+
+MRS. L. That is true, and I have made you a nice little pocket to tie
+on, in hopes it will make you more careful.
+
+LUCY. Oh, mother, what a darling pocket, and what a pretty binding!
+
+MRS. L. Yes, I've just sewn it on.   [_LUCY ties it on round her waist._
+
+LUCY. Do give me the two pennies, and I'll put them into the pocket.
+
+MRS. L. Take care that bow doesn't slip. You've tied it very loosely.
+Oh, here is your cousin Kitty.
+
+    _Enter KITTY_
+
+KITTY. Good morning, Aunt Jane.
+
+MRS. L. Good morning, my child, and how is my good little girl this
+morning?
+
+KITTY. Very well, thank you, aunt, and I feel very happy, too.
+
+LUCY. So do I.                         [_Looking proudly at her pocket._
+
+KITTY. Ah, but not for the same reason, I fear. I feel happy because I
+am so very good. I'm so tidy and careful, and I never forget anything.
+
+LUCY. How dull that must be!
+
+MRS. L. Oh, my dear Lucy. Don't say that! Ask Kitty to tell you how she
+does it, while I go and write my letters.                   [_Goes out._
+
+LUCY. No, don't tell me anything about it, Kitty. Look at my new pocket.
+
+KITTY. I hope you won't lose it. I never lose anything.
+
+LUCY. Oh, then, you do miss a lot of excitement! When I'm going out I
+have to rush about looking for my things, and it is so thrilling when I
+see my shoe far back under the bed, or my handkerchief in the
+coal-scuttle.
+
+KITTY. Oh, Lucy, how much better it would be if your shoes were tidily
+side by side! You shock me. I always put my things where they ought to
+be, and then I find them again at once.
+
+LUCY. Well, I wish you wouldn't, then, and put it into my mother's head.
+She's always wanting me to do the same.
+
+KITTY. You must try, Lucy. Try as hard as you can, and perhaps some day
+you will grow up like me.
+
+LUCY. I hope I shan't.                           [_Makes a face at her._
+
+KITTY. Oh, how distressing! I never make a face.
+
+LUCY. Now I'm going out to shop for mother.
+
+    [_Jumps round room and goes out._
+
+KITTY [_looking after her_]. Oh, poor girl, how I pity her! What is that
+I see on the ground over there? [_Goes out and brings in LUCY'S
+pocket._] Why, I believe this is Lucy's pocket! Dear, dear, how
+careless of her! What a good thing I was there ready to pick it up.
+[_Feels in bag._] Nothing in it. Ha! there's something. No, it's only
+the binding round it. Dear, dear, she has lost the money too! I must go
+and find my aunt and take it to her.
+
+    [_Enter MRS. L., KITTY ostentatiously holding bag so that MRS. L.
+    may see it._
+
+MRS. L. What's that you have, Kitty?
+
+KITTY [_holding it up_]. It's Lucy's pocket.
+
+MRS. L. What! Lucy's pocket, that I made her this morning? What are you
+doing with it, Kitty?
+
+KITTY. I'm sorry to say, Aunt Jane, that Lucy dropped it, and as I
+happened to be looking round me to see if I could be useful in any way I
+saw it and picked it up.
+
+MRS. L. And what about the pence that were in it?
+
+KITTY. They are not there. I'm very sorry, as I know people ought to be
+so careful of money. I always am.
+
+    [_Loud boo-hooing heard outside. Enter LUCY._
+
+LUCY. I've lost my pocket! I've lost my pocket!
+
+MRS. L. Oh, you careless girl! you may well cry. Luckily for you, Kitty
+Fisher found it.
+
+LUCY. Oh, Kitty, did you? Oh, I am so glad. Give it to me quickly!
+
+KITTY [_holding it back_]. Don't you think, Aunt Jane, I had better have
+it? I am so careful of my things.
+
+LUCY [_angry_]. No, you shan't. You shan't have my nice pocket.
+
+    [_Goes to her and drags it away. They fight._
+
+MRS. L. You are not to fight. That is very wrong.
+
+KITTY. Very wrong. I forgot myself, I am afraid.
+
+MRS. L. Where are the pence you had in the pocket, Lucy?
+
+    [_LUCY boo-hoos again._
+
+LUCY. Oh, mother, it must have come untied when I jumped about. I'm so
+dreadfully sorry. I shall never be happy again.
+
+KITTY. No, of course you can't feel happy as I do.
+
+LUCY. Mother, do let me try once more; I really will be good.
+
+MRS. L. Are you sure, Lucy? Will you really try?
+
+LUCY. Yes, yes, I promise. I'll be like a little girl in a book, who
+changes all of a sudden, and never does it again.
+
+MRS. L. Very well, then, I'll trust you with it once more.
+
+KITTY. I'm a little surprised at you, aunt.
+
+LUCY. And you'll never tell me I'm to be as good as Kitty?
+
+MRS. L. No, because you will be just as good without my telling you.
+
+KITTY. Good-bye then, aunt, I don't care to stay here if I'm of no use
+in setting an example to Lucy.
+
+LUCY. I can do without your example, thank you.
+
+KITTY. We shall see. But next time Lucy Locket loses her pocket Kitty
+Fisher will not find it.
+
+    [_They all sing "Lucy Locket," the curtain coming down on the
+    last line._
+
+
+[Illustration: 2. LUCY LOCKET.
+
+Lucy Locket lost her pocket Kitty Fisher found it. Ne'er a penny was
+there in it save the binding round it.]
+
+
+
+
+POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. SMILER
+  MRS. BROWN
+  MRS. JENNINGS
+  POLLY
+  MRS. CRABSTICK
+  SUKEY
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_MRS. SMILER'S Cottage. A table C. half way up stage, four chairs round
+it arranged almost in a semi-circle, so that there is no one with back
+to audience. R. a stove on which to put kettle, etc. Dresser or table at
+back with cups and saucers, etc., on it._
+
+
+MRS. S. Polly! Polly!
+
+POLLY [_outside_]. Yes, ma'am.        [_Enter POLLY. She is very small._
+
+MRS. S. Now, Polly, this afternoon you must be my little maid.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Do you think I can trust you?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. You see, Sukey hasn't come in yet, and some people are coming to
+tea, so you must put the kettle on to boil, and make the tea when they
+come.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Do you think you can?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Do you know how to make the tea?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. How do you make it?
+
+POLLY. With water, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Anything else?
+
+POLLY. No, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Oh, Polly! you are hopeless.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. What do you make the tea with, stupid?
+
+POLLY. The kettle, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. And what else?
+
+POLLY. The teapot, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. And what inside the teapot?
+
+POLLY [_thinks a minute, then triumphantly_]. Water, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Anything else?
+
+POLLY. Tea, ma'am!
+
+MRS. S. Of course. Now mind you don't forget, and have everything ready,
+as the party will be here in a minute: and I'll go and put on my best
+cap.                                                            [_Exit._
+
+POLLY [_stands for a minute with the kettle in her hands, trying to
+remember_]. Let me see ... Oh yes, the tea.
+
+    [_She puts many spoonfuls of tea into the kettle, and then water,
+    shakes the kettle to see if there's water in it, pours some water
+    into the teapot; then, as she is standing with the kettle in her
+    hand, MRS. S. comes in quickly with a gorgeous cap on._
+
+MRS. S. I see them coming across the green! Quick, Polly, put the kettle
+on, we'll all have tea. [_A knock at the door. MRS. S. goes and opens
+it._] Good afternoon, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Jennings, Mrs. Crabstick!
+
+MRS. J. [_brightly_]. Good afternoon to you, I'm sure.
+
+MRS. B. [_composed_]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.
+
+MRS. C. [_coldly_]. Afternoon.
+
+MRS. J. [_brightly_]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler, and hoping you keep
+well.
+
+MRS. S. Yes, thank you. I have my worries, of course, like the rest of
+us.
+
+MRS. C. [_grimly_]. We all have. It's a weary world.
+
+MRS. J. Oh, Mrs. Crabstick, cheer up, just when we've come to such a
+nice tea-party.
+
+MRS. C. I depend on my tea.
+
+MRS. B. Oh, of course; so do I.
+
+MRS. J. We all do.
+
+MRS. S. Well, I hope you'll get it as you like it to-day.
+
+MRS. C. One doesn't get what one's used to out of their own house, but
+if you come out to tea one must make the best of it.
+
+MRS. J. [_to_ MRS. S.]. And your little maid, Sukey, makes such good
+tea.
+
+MRS. S. Yes, she does, but to-day she's out. I'm afraid she must have
+had a tumble off her bicycle.
+
+MRS. C. Bicycle indeed! In my young days feet were good enough.
+
+MRS. J. [_laughing_]. Quite true, Mrs. Crabstick. If we had been meant
+to go on bicycles we should be born with wheels instead of legs.
+
+MRS. B. Ah, it's a weary world.
+
+MRS. S. Oh dear me, Mrs. Crabstick, don't be so gloomy. I've got another
+little maid to take Sukey's place this afternoon. You'll get your tea
+all the same. The kettle's boiling now. Polly, is everything ready?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+    [_She brings in the teapot, the guests sit round the table, MRS.
+    S. at the head of it. Kettle on fire._
+
+MRS. S. Now, I'll help you first, Mrs. Crabstick. I know
+you depend so much on your tea.
+
+    [_Pours out: water only comes out of the pot._
+
+MRS. S. Oh!
+
+MRS. J. There's only water in the teapot.
+
+MRS. B. There's no tea in it.
+
+MRS. S. Oh dear, what can have happened? Polly!
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. There's no tea in the teapot.
+
+POLLY. No, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. But I told you to put in some tea, and I gave you the tea-caddy.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Then what did you do with the tea?
+
+POLLY. Put it into the kettle, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Into the kettle! Give me the kettle at once.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+    [_MRS. S. pours out; an inky fluid comes out of the spout.[A]_
+
+  [A] For this brew plenty of blacking should be mixed with water;
+      it should be shaken up the last thing to make sure that the
+      blacking has not sunk to the bottom.
+
+MRS. S. Oh! what a way of making tea!
+
+MRS. C. You'll excuse me if I go away, Mrs. Smiler. I'm so afraid of
+being taken worse if I stay here after what has happened.
+
+THE OTHERS. And we really feel we had better do the same. Good
+afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.
+
+    [_They all get up and go towards the door. The door is thrown
+    violently open and SUKEY rushes in._
+
+MRS. S. Oh, Sukey! There you are at last.
+
+ALL THE GUESTS [_looking at her_]. At last!
+
+SUKEY. I'm so sorry, ma'am; I fell off my bicycle, and it's broken.
+
+MRS. C. [_solemnly_]. What did I say!
+
+SUKEY. I did so want to be here to make the tea.
+
+MRS. S. You had better have been. Look!
+
+    [_Pours out of the kettle some of the black liquid._
+
+SUKEY. Oh dear! I'll get another. [_Opens cupboard, gets out another
+kettle._] I'll soon make it boil.
+
+    [_Puts water into kettle and puts it on the fire._
+
+MRS. B. I don't think we'll wait for any more tea-makings, thank you.
+Good afternoon.
+
+ALL. Good afternoon.                                 [_They all go out._
+
+MRS. S. Oh dear! Oh dear! My tea-party has not been a success. Sukey,
+take it off again, they've all gone away.
+
+    [_MRS. S., SUKEY, and POLLY all sing together_, "Sukey, take it
+    off again, they've all gone away!"
+
+
+QUICK CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 3. POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON.
+
+Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle
+on, we'll all have tea. Sukey take it off again, Sukey take it off
+again, Sukey take it off again, they've all gone away.]
+
+
+
+
+GOOSEY-GANDER
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  THE GANDER
+  THE DRAKE
+  THE BAILIFF
+  FARMER GILES
+  THE COUNTESS
+  MELISSA
+
+The GANDER and the DRAKE have a language of their own which they are
+supposed to use when speaking to one another, but the parts are here
+written in ordinary language to be understood by the audience. They
+understand what the human beings say, but cannot join in conversation
+with them.
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+_A road, paling at back, parallel to front of stage, with gate supposed
+to be leading into farmyard. Enter GANDER R. Walks rapidly to the centre
+of the stage, then suddenly stops as if bewildered, looks on ground in
+every direction._
+
+
+GANDER. Why, it's gone!                                [_Enter DRAKE L._
+
+DRAKE. Good morning, Gander.
+
+GANDER. Good morning's all very well, but where is it?
+
+DRAKE. What? Where? Which?
+
+GANDER. Really, Drake, you're the stupidest bird. You're nearly as
+stupid as my wife, and I never saw such a goose as she is. Don't you see
+what I'm looking for? Don't you see what's gone?
+
+DRAKE. Oh, you don't mean--what! the puddle! Gone!
+
+GANDER. Of course. Only yesterday morning there was a nice large hole
+just in the middle of the road, and a large puddle in it.
+
+DRAKE. So there was. So convenient and delightful.
+
+GANDER. Yes, you were always sure of finding a puddle there, however dry
+the rest of the road was.
+
+DRAKE. But where has it gone to? Who can have taken it?
+
+GANDER. Oh, I know quite well--it's that bailiff, of course. And I know
+why he did it, too. It was just to spite me, as he knew that was my
+favourite walk.
+
+DRAKE. I've thought for a long time he had a grudge against you.
+
+GANDER. Yes, ever since the day that I flapped two of his horrid little
+children into the pond.
+
+DRAKE. Serve them right. It will teach them to come rushing about the
+farmyard as if it belonged to them.
+
+GANDER. And they're so rude, too. Just imagine, the other day one of
+them said to me, "Hallo, goosey-poosey"! I ask you, _is_ that the way to
+speak to a gander?
+
+DRAKE. Monstrous!
+
+GANDER. I sometimes feel inclined to go up to the castle and complain to
+the Countess.
+
+DRAKE. Well, why don't you? It's not far across the fields.
+
+GANDER. Oh yes, I know the way to the castle gates, but when I got
+inside it I should be wandering upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's
+chamber, and not know where I was. But still, something must be done
+about that bailiff.
+
+DRAKE. And the way he comes prancing along on his dapple-grey pony, as
+if no one could ride a spirited animal but himself!
+
+GANDER. Look, here he comes!
+
+    [_The BAILIFF rides in on hobby horse and curvets and prances
+    round on stage, and rides into middle where GANDER and DRAKE are
+    standing._
+
+BAILIFF. Now then, you birds! Get out of the way, can't you?
+
+    [_He hits at them with his stick. The GANDER and DRAKE flap
+    their wings, hiss and quack, and scurry out of the way. BAILIFF
+    hitches his horse to the gate by the bridle and walks into the
+    middle of the road, bends down, and looks at where the hole had
+    been._
+
+GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. There now, you see. I told you he did it.
+
+    [_FARMER GILES comes slowly out and leans over gate at back C._
+
+BAILIFF [_still in road_]. Morning, Farmer Giles.
+
+FARMER GILES [_pipe in mouth, nods sideways_]. Morning.
+
+BAILIFF. I came to have a look at the road. I'm glad to see that the
+hole's quite gone.
+
+GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Listen to him, glorying in it!
+
+FARMER GILES. Oh ay, they had a grand mending of it. They filled it and
+rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it, and they filled it and
+they rolled it, and then, they filled it and they rolled it again.
+
+BAILIFF. And they've made a good job of it, too.
+
+GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Let's show him we don't like it.
+
+    [_They stand in the middle of the road and flap and hiss and quack._
+
+BAILIFF. Those birds are intolerable.
+
+FARMER GILES [_smiling_]. I expect they're looking for their puddle,
+poor things. They was always splashing about in it.
+
+BAILIFF. Then they'll have to do without it, that's all. [_GANDER comes
+up near him and flaps at him. BAILIFF unties hobby horse._] That's a
+vicious gander of yours, Farmer Giles. He nearly drowned my children the
+other day. It really isn't safe.
+
+FARMER GILES. Ah, the little uns was teasing of him, I daresay. It'll do
+them no harm to be learned how to behave in the farmyard.
+
+BAILIFF [_mounting his horse_]. Well, he had better not do it again.
+
+    [_Shakes his stick at GANDER. GANDER rushes at him. They fight.
+    DRAKE and GANDER peck and flap. BAILIFF beats them with his
+    stick. GANDER gets hold of his coat with his beak. BAILIFF beats
+    him off. FARMER GILES looks on, smoking and smiling._
+
+BAILIFF. My best coat! Look! this is intolerable. I shall go straight to
+the castle and complain to her ladyship.               [_Gallops off R._
+
+FARMER GILES [_to_ GANDER]. Look here, old boy, you must behave
+yourself, mind, or you'll get into trouble.
+
+    [_Goes back through gate and off L._
+
+GANDER. Quick, we must follow that old wretch to the castle and hear
+what he's saying. Come on, Drakey. How fast can you waddle?
+
+DRAKE. Oh, a good pace. I can do a mile an hour easy.
+
+GANDER. Capital. Come along then.                  [_They waddle out R._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+_The COUNTESS'S Boudoir. A table R. slanting to the audience with
+ornamental mirror standing on it. A door at back, L.C. Door in R.H.
+corner, back labelled_ "Secret staircase to dungeon." _The COUNTESS
+sitting at the table looking at herself in the mirror. MELISSA, her
+maid, standing, with a hat in her hand trimmed with flowers._
+
+
+COUNTESS. Now, Melissa, give me my garden hat, please. I feel inclined
+to go down to the farm.
+
+MELISSA [_bringing the hat_]. Your ladyship is so fond of the farm.
+
+COUNTESS. Indeed I am, and of the live stock there. I should like to
+direct it all myself, but I don't think the bailiff would like it. He is
+rather tiresome sometimes.
+
+MELISSA. Still, my lady, he is a most honest man, and his accounts, as
+your ladyship always says, are a marvel.
+
+COUNTESS. Oh yes, in many ways he is excellent, I know, and yet he is
+not popular with the poultry--no doubt of that.
+
+MELISSA. That is true. He doesn't seem to get on with the gander.
+
+COUNTESS. Such a pity. I like the gander myself--he is always very civil
+to me.
+
+MELISSA [_laughing_]. Really, my lady, he seems such a sensible bird,
+sometimes you would really think he understood what you say.
+
+    [_They both laugh. A knock at the door._
+
+COUNTESS. Melissa!                                    [_Points to door._
+
+    [_MELISSA opens the door. The BAILIFF is seen._
+
+BAILIFF. May I enter, madam?
+
+MELISSA. Come in, Master Bailiff.
+
+    _Enter BAILIFF._
+
+COUNTESS. Good day, Master Bailiff.
+
+BAILIFF [_agitated_]. I hope I do not intrude on your ladyship, but I
+come on a pressing matter----
+
+COUNTESS. What is it?
+
+BAILIFF. My coat, madam.
+
+COUNTESS. WHAT!
+
+BAILIFF. I beg your ladyship to look at it--there is a large tear in it.
+
+COUNTESS. A somewhat unseemly sight--I should have thought you would
+have begged me not to look at it.
+
+BAILIFF. But it is your gander, my lady.
+
+COUNTESS. What is my gander?
+
+BAILIFF. My coat.
+
+COUNTESS. Your coat is my gander, Bailiff? You are talking wildly.
+
+BAILIFF. It is no wonder, madam. It was the Gander did it. [_Showing
+tear on coat._] I have been attacked by that vicious bird----
+
+COUNTESS. And wounded in the coat tails!
+
+    [_COUNTESS and MELISSA laugh._
+
+BAILIFF. It does not seem a laughing matter to me, your ladyship.
+Something must be done.
+
+COUNTESS. With a needle and thread. There, I quite agree with you.
+
+BAILIFF. No, madam--with a big stick. Something must be done to make the
+Gander behave better.
+
+COUNTESS. I am sorry you don't like the Gander, Bailiff. I always find
+him very pleasant.
+
+BAILIFF. I regret that your ladyship is inclined to make such a
+companion of him. He really seems to consider he is on an equality with
+your ladyship.
+
+COUNTESS. On an equality with me! You are impertinent, sir. No one is on
+an equality with me in this castle. But I have a warm regard for the
+Gander, and I consider that you have insulted us both by your
+complaints. [_A noise at the door._] Melissa!
+
+    [_MELISSA hastens to open the door. The GANDER and DRAKE are
+    seen in the doorway. They both bow._
+
+MELISSA. Oh!
+
+COUNTESS. Come in, both of you.
+
+BAILIFF. What, even here! Miserable birds, how dare you!
+
+    [_GANDER and DRAKE hiss and squawk._
+
+COUNTESS. You forget yourself, Bailiff. This is not your house. I beg
+that you will apologise at once for your rudeness to us all. Down on
+your knees at once and pray for forgiveness.
+
+BAILIFF. I am willing to apologise to you, madam, but not to the Gander,
+and I will not go on my knees, even to your ladyship.
+
+COUNTESS. Do you hear that, Gander? There stands an old man----
+
+BAILIFF. Old man, madam?
+
+COUNTESS. Yes, old, compared to the Gander--who will not say his
+prayers. Take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.
+
+    [_Fight. The BAILIFF hits the GANDER and DRAKE with his stick.
+    They flap and peck. MELISSA opens the door of the secret
+    staircase. The BAILIFF falls with his legs through the doorway.
+    They drag him out and a great noise of tumbling is heard. Then
+    they come in again._
+
+COUNTESS. Thank you, Gander. Now we will go for a nice walk and you
+shall choose it. You shall take me to your favourite place.
+
+    [_The GANDER and DRAKE both shake their heads sadly._
+
+COUNTESS. What is it? Something wrong? Dear me, I wish you could speak.
+Lead the way then. Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander?
+
+    [_Walk round with steps and out._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 4. GOOSEY GANDER.
+
+Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander? Upstairs and downstairs,
+in my lady's chamber. There I saw an old man who wouldn't say his
+prayers, take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.]
+
+
+
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. CARR
+  KITTY, _her daughter_
+  SHOREDITCH BOY
+  ST. MARTIN'S BOY
+  OLD BAILEY BOY
+  STEPNEY BOY
+  BOW BOY
+  NEIGHBOURS
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_A STREET. MRS. CARR, with a small basket in her hand in which are two
+oranges and two lemons, is walking along the street to her house,
+holding her little daughter KITTY by the hand. They are supposed to
+have just arrived at her house door._
+
+
+MRS. C. There now, here we are at home again, and I'll take these in and
+make a nice pot of jam with them. I got them very cheap.
+
+KITTY. How much were they?
+
+MRS. C. Twopence each orange, and twopence and three farthings each
+lemon.
+
+    [_Handbells heard ringing._
+
+KITTY. Mother, why are the bells ringing?
+
+MRS. C. Because it is Bellringers' Day, when everyone who likes may ring
+a bell in the streets if he calls out the name of his parish and puts a
+penny into the parish poor box.
+
+KITTY. Oh, I should like to do that. What's our parish?
+
+MRS. C. St. Clement's.
+
+KITTY. And I could ring my little bell that I got off the Christmas
+tree.
+
+MRS. C. But have you a penny for the poor box?
+
+KITTY [_coaxingly_]. You give me one, mammy darling.
+
+MRS. C. [_smiling_]. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare. I spent my
+pennies on these.
+
+KITTY [_looking at the oranges and lemons in basket_]. Do let me sell
+them again and have some pennies!
+
+MRS. C. What about the jam then?
+
+KITTY. Oh, I'd much rather have the pennies for the poor box, so that I
+could ring my bell too.
+
+MRS. C. Well, you may try to sell them if you like.
+
+Kitty. Oh, mammy darling, you _are_ kind. I'll run in and get my bell.
+
+    [_Rushes in to get it. While she is inside MRS. CARR arranges
+    the oranges and lemons in the basket, etc. KITTY comes out with
+    the bell._
+
+MRS. C. [_giving her the basket, smiling_]. I'm spoiling you, mind.
+
+KITTY. It is nice to be spoilt. Now you go indoors, mother, and I'll be
+a real person all by myself.
+
+    [_MRS. C. smiles, kisses her, and goes in. KITTY, alone, walks up
+    and down calling_ "St Clement's! St. Clement's! St. Clement's!"
+    _Enter ST. MARTIN'S BOY, ringing his bell._
+
+ST. M. St. Martin's! St. Martin's!
+
+    [_Looks at KITTY'S basket._
+
+KITTY [_sings to tune, ringing bell_]. Oranges and lemons, says the
+Bells of St. Clement's!
+
+ST. M. Jolly good they look.
+
+KITTY. Buy one?
+
+ST. M. Yes, if they're not too dear. How much are they?
+
+KITTY. Two pennies for each orange, and two pennies and three farthings
+for each lemon.
+
+ST. M. All right, I'll have one of each. Now, twopence for
+this, you say, and twopence three farthings for this. Can you
+reckon up how much that is?
+
+KITTY. No--_you_ must.
+
+ST. M. Girls _are_ silly. That makes fourpence three-farthings. Now,
+here's a sixpence, and you must give me five farthings change.
+
+    [_Sings_] "You owe me five farthings, says the bells of
+    St. Martin's."
+
+KITTY. Oh dear, I've got no farthings, no change, no nothing.
+
+ST. M. Then you'll have no sixpence as well, that's all. And I'll have
+no oranges and lemons--and no nothing.
+
+KITTY. Oh dear, what a pity!
+
+    [_Enter SHOREDITCH BOY, ringing bell._
+
+SHOREDITCH. Shoreditch! Shoreditch! Hallo, those look good. Look here,
+little girl, sell me one. [_Feels in his pocket._] No, my pocket's
+empty.
+
+    [_Enter OLD BAILEY BOY, ringing bell._
+
+OLD BAILEY. Old Bailey! Old Bailey! Jolly things you've got there, young
+person.
+
+KITTY. _Do_ buy one.
+
+SHOREDITCH. _I_ want to buy one if someone will lend me the money.
+
+OLD BAILEY. Here, I've got some money. How much do you want?
+
+SHOREDITCH. Twopence.
+
+OLD BAILEY. Here you are then.
+
+SHOREDITCH. Hooray! [_Takes orange._] There, little girl.
+
+    [_Gives her two pennies._
+
+KITTY. Oh, that is nice!
+
+OLD BAILEY [_to_ SHOREDITCH]. But when will you pay me?
+
+    [_Sings_] "When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey."
+
+SHOREDITCH [_sings, smiling_]. "When I grow rich, says the bell of
+Shoreditch."
+
+OLD BAILEY. That's all very well, but it's a long time to wait. You put
+back that orange and give me back the pennies.
+
+    [_They begin fighting, their bells making a noise as they do so.
+    Enter STEPNEY and BOW, ringing bells, STEPNEY in front._
+
+STEPNEY. Stepney!
+
+BOW. And Bow!
+
+STEPNEY. Stepney!
+
+BOW. And Bow!                         [_They look at the boys fighting._
+
+BOW. What's all this about?
+
+OLD BAILEY. I've lent this Shoreditch boy twopence, and he says he'll
+pay me when he grows rich.
+
+STEPNEY [_to SHOREDITCH, sings_]. "When will that be? says the bell of
+Stepney."                      [_SHOREDITCH shakes his head and laughs._
+
+BOW [_in a deep voice, sings_]. "I'm sure I don't know, says the big
+bell of Bow."
+
+OLD BAILEY. Don't know, indeed!
+
+BOW. Well, don't quarrel on Bellringers' Day. Let's make a great noise
+and disturb the neighbours, that's much more amusing. Come on now, let's
+each shout something.
+
+    [_Each one sings a line, ringing the bell on the first beat of
+    the bar._
+
+KITTY. Oranges and lemons, says the bell of St. Clement's.
+
+ST. M. You owe me five farthings, says the bell of St. Martin's.
+
+OLD BAILEY. When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey.
+
+SHOREDITCH. When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch.
+
+STEPNEY. When will that be? says the bell of Stepney.
+
+BOW. I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow. Capital. Now, all
+together, about the chopper.                      [_All sing very loud._
+
+  Here comes a candle to light you to bed,
+  And here comes a chopper to chop off your head.
+
+NEIGHBOURS. Oh, what a noise!
+
+BOW. It's Bellringers' Day, ma'am. We may make as much noise as we like.
+Now then, all together.
+
+    [_They stand in a row and sing the song straight through. Then
+    they either march round in single file without singing, but
+    ringing their bells, while the tune is played on the piano, or
+    else dance. In either case the neighbours may join in._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 5. ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+Oranges and lemons, says the bells of St. Clements. You owe me five
+farthings, says the bells of St. Martins, When will you pay me? says the
+bells of Old Bailey. When I grow rich, says the bells of Shoreditch.
+When will that be? says the bells of Stepney, I'm sure I don't know,
+says the big bell of Bow. Here comes a candle to light you to bed--and
+here comes a chopper to chop off your head!]
+
+
+
+
+RIDE A COCK-HORSE
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+_TIMMY and JIMMY in separate beds, feet to audience, as the curtain goes
+up. TIM sits up cautiously._
+
+
+TIM. Jim, are you asleep?
+
+JIM [_sitting up and laughing_]. Yes, sound, are you?
+
+TIM. Yes. I _do_ think it's so boring being in bed, don't you?
+
+JIM. Horrid. I hate being asleep.
+
+TIM. But it's so difficult to keep awake sometimes, even if one has a
+book to look at.
+
+JIM. I can't think why Nurse doesn't like us to bring our book to bed.
+This is just the time to have it. It gives one nice dreams. [_He takes
+up book from the ground by his bed._] Look, I've got mine.
+
+TIM. It would be safer to wait till she's been.
+
+JIM [_putting it under pillow_]. Perhaps it would.
+
+TIM. I _do_ like it when Nurse looks in very softly and then says to
+Mother outside, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," when we're awake all the
+time!
+
+JIM. Take care, here she comes.
+
+    [_NURSE opens door with precaution, comes to beds, looks at both
+    boys, who pretend to be sound asleep. She goes on tiptoe to door,
+    opens it, says, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," and goes out
+    quietly. The boys put out their heads, listen, and then sit up._
+
+TIM. Now the book!
+
+JIM. Read something very nice. Then we can think about it afterwards.
+That will keep us awake.                                 [_They sit up._
+
+TIM. Oh, this is the one I like--"Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross, To
+see a fine lady upon a white horse: Rings on her fingers and bells on
+her toes, She shall have music wherever she goes."
+
+JIM. Oh yes, I love that one. Let's talk about it.
+
+TIM. What do you think a cock-horse is?
+
+JIM. I can't imagine. Do you think it's a horse with a cock's head?
+
+TIM. Oh, I wonder if he'd be like our Chanticleer, all white with a
+beautiful red comb.
+
+JIM. Or perhaps he'd be like our Rooster, all black and speckly. I
+wonder if he'd crow all the same, as our cocks do in the morning under
+our windows.
+
+TIM [_laughing_]. Oh dear, how funny Chanticleer would look with a
+horse's body! or is it a cock's head and a horse's body?
+
+JIM [_laughing_]. You couldn't ride him so easily.
+
+TIM. I should think it's a great big cock and wings sticking out like
+that [_stretching his arms_], and with a beautiful horse's back and a
+long tail. Oh, I should like to ride him!
+
+JIM. So should I.                        [_They begin to talk sleepily._
+
+TIM. And what about the fine lady? What do you think Banbury Cross is
+like?
+
+JIM. Oh, there's the picture. Look, it's a great stone thing; and
+there's the fine lady all in white, with a crown on.
+
+TIM. I wish there was a picture of the cock-horse too.
+
+JIM [_more sleepily_], I should like to ride on it--and--go to see the
+fine lady.
+
+TIM. Yes, we'd go to Banbury Cross and--see--her.
+
+    [_Talking more and more sleepily. The book falls out of his hand
+    on to the floor as they both go to sleep._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+SCENE II.--THE DREAM
+
+_A market place. A ring of children dancing hand in hand round Banbury
+Cross, which stands in the middle, half way up stage. Children sing_:
+
+  "Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross
+  To see a fine lady upon a white horse:
+  Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
+  She shall have music wherever she goes."
+
+_At the end of the tune they leave off dancing after singing it
+through._
+
+
+FIRST CHILD. Oh, I'm _so_ out of breath.
+
+SECOND CHILD. Let's rest a little.
+
+THIRD CHILD. Yes, till the Procession comes.
+
+    [_They all stand and sit at back._
+
+FOURTH CHILD. Oh, look! there's someone coming.
+
+    [_Enter JIMMY and TIMMY, riding cock-horses (hobby horses with
+    cocks' heads). They gallop round Cross._
+
+TIM. There, Rooster, we've just done it. You _are_ a good one to go.
+
+JIM. So are you, Chanticleer.
+
+FIRST CHILD. Oh, are you the beginning of the procession, please?
+
+JIM. What procession?
+
+CHILD. The fine lady that is coming on a white horse--the Queen of the
+Revels.
+
+TIM. What are revels?
+
+CHILD. Games and dancing and all sorts of fun.
+
+TIM. Oh, how nice!
+
+CHILD. Isn't it!
+
+    [_The children jump for joy and clap their hands._
+
+JIM [_to_ TIM]. I _am_ glad we came.
+
+TIM. So am I.
+
+CHILDREN. Hooray! Hooray! Here she comes.
+
+    [_Looking off R. Enter the fine lady on her white horse. The
+    MASTER OF THE REVELS leads her. Two boys walk in front playing a
+    tune on cazoos, etc. Escort of fairies, etc., if available. The
+    Queen's horse stops at the foot of Banbury Cross--she hands a
+    roll of paper to the MASTER, who receives it with a bow._
+
+CROWD. Hooray! Hooray!
+
+MASTER. Here is the list of the Revels--the first will be a race.
+
+JIM [_to_ TIM]. That will be fun. I like seeing races.
+
+MASTER. First race, Cock-horses--three times round Banbury Cross. How
+many entries?
+
+JIM [_to_ TIM]. Do you suppose that's us?
+
+TIM. I don't see any others.
+
+MASTER [_loud_]. Any entries?
+
+JIM. Cock-horse Chanticleer, ridden by Jim.
+
+TIM. Cock-horse Rooster, ridden by Tim.
+
+MASTER. One, two, three, off!
+
+    [_They ride round and round, crowd cheer, etc. They come in a
+    dead heat._
+
+MASTER. A dead heat--no prize.
+
+JIM. No prize?
+
+MASTER. No. Don't talk. Next revel, a dance.
+
+    [_All dance, TIM and JIM and their steeds marking time._
+
+MASTER. Next revel, crowing competition.
+
+    [_One after another they crow, very badly. CHANT. crows,
+    everyone claps. Then ROOSTER crows, they clap again._
+
+CHILD. That's not fair--he's a professional.
+
+ANOTHER CHILD. Never mind! Well done, Rooster.              [_All clap._
+
+    [_Scene must be changed as quickly as possible, the crowing
+    going on uninterruptedly from the time the curtain falls until
+    after it goes up again._
+
+
+[Illustration: 6. RIDE A COCK HORSE.
+
+Ride a cockhorse to Ban-bury Cross, to see a fine lady up-on a white
+horse, Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, She will make music
+wher-e-ver she goes.]
+
+
+SCENE III
+
+_Same as Scene I. TIM and JIM in bed asleep--crowing going on outside.
+TIM sits up and rubs his eyes._
+
+
+TIM. No, no, Rooster, leave off now. You've got the prize. [_He sits
+up and rubs his eyes._] Jim, we must ride back now. [_Gradually more
+wide-awake._] Why, that's Chanticleer crowing outside!
+
+    [_JIM also sits up._
+
+JIM. What's that crowing? Where am I?
+
+TIM. I've been dreaming I was riding a cock-horse.
+
+JIM. And I dreamt I saw the fine lady. Oh, I'm so sleepy.
+
+    [_They both fall back on pillow and go to sleep again._
+
+    _Enter NURSE._
+
+NURSE. What, asleep still! Come, it's time to get up. And you've been
+taking a book to bed, you naughty boys, and reading it instead of going
+to sleep. That's why you're so tired this morning. What's it about? Why,
+what absurd stuff!
+
+  Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,
+  To see a fine lady upon a white horse:
+  With rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes,
+  She shall have music----
+
+
+CURTAIN _falls as she reads_
+
+
+
+
+LITTLE MISS MUFFET
+
+
+  _NURSE and MISS MUFFET, reading at table._
+
+MUFFET [_reading her lesson_]. C, A, T, cat; M, A, T, mat. I've done my
+lessons very well to-day, haven't I?
+
+NURSE. Yes, Miss Muffet dear, you've been a very good little girl. Now,
+just read those two sentences and then we will go out.
+
+MUFFET [_reading_]. THE CAT IS ON THE MAT. THE BAT IS ON THE MAT. Oh, I
+don't like that story.
+
+NURSE [_surprised_]. Why not?
+
+MUFFET. About the bat. It frightens me to read about a bat on the mat. I
+don't like bats.
+
+NURSE. Why, you silly little girl, they don't do you any harm.
+
+MUFFET. They make me afraid. I can't bear bats--they're nearly as bad as
+spiders.
+
+NURSE. I never saw such a foolish little child. Spiders don't do you any
+harm, either.
+
+MUFFET. Oh, they're worse than bats. You won't let one come near me,
+nursie, will you?
+
+NURSE [_smiling_]. Of course not, my poppet. Now, it's time to go out.
+Put your things on and we'll take the baby into the grounds.
+
+    [_NURSE ties on MUFFET'S hat, and while she dresses her they talk._
+
+MUFFET. Nursie, you know that you said if I were good at my lesson I
+could choose my luncheon?
+
+NURSE. I did, yes.
+
+MUFFET. And _do_ let me take it out with me to have outside.
+
+NURSE. Then you must have something that's easy to carry. What do you
+say to some nice bread and butter?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Then what about a nice ginger-nut?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Or a nice scone?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Or a nice Albert biscuit?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Then what _do_ you want?
+
+MUFFET. Something that begins with a K.
+
+NURSE. With a K.? What can that be?
+
+MUFFET [_triumphantly_]. Curds and whey!
+
+NURSE. Oh, my dear child, what spelling! Curds begins with a C.
+
+MUFFET [_decidedly_]. No, nursie, I've done my spelling for to-day.
+You'll let me have it outside, won't you? Just for a treat.
+
+NURSE. It won't be much of a treat if you spill it all on the path.
+
+MUFFET. No, I don't want to give the path a treat, do I? Oh, I'll be so
+careful, nursie, you'll see. _Do_ let me.
+
+NURSE. Very well then, just for once you may. But mind, you mustn't
+begin Curds with a K.
+
+MUFFET. I'll begin it with a spoon, dear nursie--that's best. I'll go
+and get it from the kitchen.
+
+NURSE. And I'll go and fetch the darling baby. Bless his pretty heart
+for a popsy wopsy toodelums.
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+_The grounds--a grassy hillock--some trees. Enter the SPIDER, prowling
+mysteriously._
+
+_The SPIDER should have eight legs, made of thick wire, bent and covered
+with black. Two curving from his feet, two from his hands, two from his
+head (fastened on to a round frame), two from his shoulders._
+
+
+SPIDER. Ha, none of those horrid two-legged creatures about, I am glad
+to say. I should be ashamed to have so few legs. Now, let me see. Where
+shall I start my spinning? [_Sits on tuffet and looks round._] That
+bough, I think, would be best ... it's just the right kind of day--not
+too shiny, nor too damp. Just the sort of day for a fly not to see a
+web. [_Looks round._] Perhaps I'd better look round and see if there's a
+better place. Dear me, now there's a bluebottle gone swaggering past. If
+I'd had the web ready he'd have blundered straight into it. Fat blue
+thing! These winged creatures _are_ so stupid sometimes. Well, I mustn't
+lose any more time.                                       [_Goes out R._
+
+    [_Enter NURSE, pushing pram in which the baby is supposed to be;
+    MUFFET following, carrying a bowl very carefully and a spoon._
+
+NURSE. Now, Miss Muffet, you had better sit down and eat your curds and
+whey or you'll be splashing it down your frock. Suppose you sit on that
+tuffet and eat it while I walk the baby about.
+
+MUFFET. Is that called a tuffet? What a nice name!
+
+NURSE. Yes, it's called a tuffet because that's where people sit to eat
+curds and whey.
+
+MUFFET. Oh, I'll sit there then. [_Establishes herself carefully._] Now
+I'll pretend I'm on a desert island, Nurse, and you go away.
+
+NURSE [_smiling_]. Very well. I leave you to the savages. Good-bye.
+
+MUFFET [_calls after her_]. Nurse!
+
+NURSE. Well?
+
+MUFFET. You won't really go away, will you? You'll only pretend?
+
+NURSE. Of course.
+
+MUFFET. And they won't be real savages?
+
+NURSE. Certainly not.
+
+MUFFET. I always think it's so much nicer to pretend.
+
+    [_NURSE goes off R. MUFFET goes on eating her curds and whey.
+    SPIDER comes in L. with coil of string. SPIDER, before seeing
+    MUFFET, looks up at bough._
+
+SPIDER. No, this is the best place, I'm sure.
+
+    [_Sees MUFFET, who has nearly eaten her curds. She looks up and
+    sees him, and cries out._
+
+MUFFET. Oh! Oh! Oh! Nurse! Nurse! Here's an enormous spider!
+
+SPIDER. You are very rude--that's worse than being enormous.
+
+MUFFET [_looking frightened_]. I'm very sorry--I didn't mean to be rude.
+
+SPIDER [_mollified_]. And I didn't mean to be enormous. But I was born
+so.
+
+MUFFET. Nurse! Nurse!                              [_She begins crying._
+
+SPIDER. What's the matter, little Two-legs?
+
+    [_Sits down by her on the tuffet. MISS MUFFET puts down the curds
+    and whey and rushes in to meet NURSE coming in L. with baby._
+
+NURSE. What is it, darling? What's the matter?
+
+MUFFET. Oh, Nursie, it's a spider--the biggest you ever saw, and he came
+and sat down beside me and frightened me away.
+
+NURSE [_seeing_ SPIDER]. Oh! he _is_ a monster.
+
+SPIDER. Really, the manners of these two-legged persons!
+
+NURSE. I'll soon chase it away. Shoo! Shoo! I'll stamp upon him if I get
+a chance. That will teach him to be a spider.
+
+    [_SPIDER gets down off the tuffet and runs rapidly round the tree.
+    NURSE pokes at it with her umbrella. Prolong chase ad libitum.
+    Then SPIDER hides behind tree, looking out at intervals._
+
+NURSE. There now, he's gone.
+
+MUFFET. Oh dear, Nursie, I want to go home. I'm so frightened.
+
+NURSE. Well, come along home then. [_Takes up bowl and pushes the
+pram._] Poor little Miss Muffet!
+
+MUFFET. I sat on a tuffet eating my curds and whey and there came that
+big spider ...                     [_Buries her face against her nurse._
+
+NURSE. And sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away! Well,
+never mind, darling, he's gone into his hole, and you will never see him
+again.            [_They go out L. SPIDER puts his head round the tree._
+
+SPIDER. Hole, indeed! [_Comes out._] No hole for me, but a nice big web
+where I can see what is going on. Now, where shall I begin it? [_Looks
+round._] Ah, there, I think! But I'll just have a dance first--it's a
+great thing having so many legs for these new dances. [_Dances round. At
+end of dance._] And now to work!              [_Throws rope over bough._
+
+
+QUICK CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 7. LITTLE MISS MUFFET.
+
+Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating of curds and whey. There came
+a big spider and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet a-way.]
+
+
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. DUMPTY
+  KING'S MAN
+  MRS. PRINGLE
+  COLONEL
+  SOLDIERS _ad lib._
+  HUMPTY DUMPTY
+  SERGEANT-MAJOR
+
+
+SCENE
+
+    _One side of a village street--a wall about two feet high up
+    stage, parallel to the audience. This can be represented by
+    anything that a child could stand on for a minute before jumping
+    down. Behind it R.C. Mrs. Dumpty's house is seen--a little gate
+    in the wall at back L.C. leading to house. There should be exits
+    R., L., and C. at back through gate. MRS. DUMPTY and MRS.
+    PRINGLE standing at gate._
+
+
+MRS. P. Well, good morning, Mrs. Dumpty, I must be running off now.
+
+MRS. D. Very kind of you to have come in, Mrs. Pringle. I am sorry
+Humpty was out, I'd like you to have seen him.
+
+MRS. P. Oh, I can do without seeing him every day, thank you. Is he as
+fat as ever?
+
+MRS. D. How you _do_ go on about his being fat, Mrs. Pringle. You don't
+want me to starve the child, do you?
+
+MRS. P. No, but there's a lot of difference between starving and
+over-feeding. I'm sure my Billy don't get the half of what you give
+Humpty, and just look at him!
+
+MRS. D. Look at him, indeed! Humpty only gets the same as we get, and
+has done ever since he's been born. I suppose your Billy gets nothing
+but bread and milk.
+
+MRS. P. He didn't have pork chops when he was six months old, if that's
+what you mean, Mrs. Dumpty.
+
+MRS. D. Well, I was never one to grudge a baby a bit of anything it
+cried for, and no one can say Humpty's not a fine boy now.
+
+MRS. P. He may be a fine boy, but he is a very naughty one. He makes
+more noise than all the rest of the boys put together. [_Noise heard
+outside._] That sounds like him now.
+
+MRS. D. It's just his high spirits, Mrs. Pringle. I like a boy to have a
+bit of spirit.                       [_Enter HUMPTY with a great noise._
+
+HUMPTY. Hallo, mother!
+
+MRS. D. Don't you see Mrs. Pringle, dear?
+
+HUMPTY. Yes, I wish I didn't. I don't like Mrs. Pringle.
+
+MRS. D. Oh, Humpty, I'm surprised at you.
+
+MRS. P. [_offended_]. I think I'd best be going, Mrs. Dumpty.
+
+HUMPTY. Look out that you don't miss the procession, Mrs. Pringle.
+
+MRS. D. What procession?
+
+HUMPTY. Haven't you heard? All the King's horses and all the King's men
+are coming along here on their way to the Coronation.
+
+MRS. D. Well, that's very nice. I'll take you to the end of the road,
+and we'll look at them.
+
+HUMPTY. But we needn't go to the end of the road--they pass right along
+here. I shall only have to get on the wall and I shall see beautifully.
+
+MRS. D. You're not to get on without me holding on to you. I'm not going
+to have you falling off and breaking all your bones.
+
+MRS. P. I don't believe he's got bones to break. He is made of nothing
+but fat and naughtiness.
+
+HUMPTY [_boisterously_]. That's right, Mrs. Pringle. Stick up for me.
+
+MRS. P. I'm not sticking up for you, you naughty boy--I'm only sorry for
+your poor mother having such a son. So unlike my Billy!
+
+MRS. D. Oh, it's only his playful way, Mrs. Pringle. Run along and wash
+your face, Humpty, there's a good boy.
+
+HUMPTY. I don't want to wash my face.
+
+MRS. D. Well, I'm sure I don't know what the King will say if he sees
+you with a face like that.
+
+MRS. P. It's enough to make him abdicate.
+
+HUMPTY. The King's not coming, you silly old things, it's his horses and
+men.
+
+MRS. D. You're a rude boy, and you're to go and wash your face at once.
+
+HUMPTY. Well, I don't mind, just for once--it's nearly a week since I
+last did, and it's Monday--that's the day my face goes to the wash.
+
+                                                                [_Exit._
+
+MRS. D. Hadn't you best stop and see the procession with us, Mrs.
+Pringle? It would be a nice change for you instead of looking at your
+Billy all day----
+
+MRS. P. You're not very civil-spoken, Mrs. Dumpty, but I _do_ like to
+see a procession when I can. But I'm hardly fit to be seen like this.
+I'd best slip home and put on my new shawl.
+
+MRS. D. Well, if you do that, I'll just pop on my Sunday bonnet--it
+won't take a minute.
+
+    [_MRS. P. exit L., MRS. D. C. at back. Exeunt. Enter HUMPTY._
+
+HUMPTY. Hurrah--they've both gone--I'll get on the wall. [_Climbs up._]
+I can see beautifully now. I expect the procession will soon be
+coming----Yes, I can hear them. Oh, what fun!
+
+    [_Enter MRS. D._
+
+MRS. D. Oh, you naughty boy, didn't I tell you not to get on the wall
+without me holding you?
+
+HUMPTY. I'm all right--I shall see them beautifully from here.
+
+MRS. D. Don't jump about like that--you'll fall off for a certainty.
+
+HUMPTY. Oh, let me alone. Can't you hear them coming?
+
+MRS. D. Take care, Humpty, take care. What did I say...!
+
+    [_HUMPTY falls off--this must be done by jumping from the wall and
+    rolling over. MRS. D. flies to pick him up. HUMPTY groans. Enter
+    MRS. P._
+
+MRS. P. Here I am, Mrs. Dumpty. Why, what's that down there?
+
+MRS. D. It's Humpty. He's been and fallen off the wall, and I can't get
+him up again.
+
+MRS. P. Here, let me try. Give me your hand, Humpty.
+
+MRS. D. No, it's no use, he is so heavy, you see.
+
+MRS. P. Didn't I tell you he was too fat? My Billy would be up in a
+minute.
+
+MRS. D. Bother your Billy--if only someone would come and pick him up.
+
+    [_Music heard. Enter the King's horses and men._
+
+MRS. D. Oh, sirs--oh, sirs--do, pray, stop a minute.
+
+    [_They walk right across the stage before they stop, so their backs
+    are to her--and then turn right round so that they face her._
+
+KING'S MAN. Halt! About turn! Yes, ma'am?
+
+MRS. D. Oh, sir, you look so beautiful--but I'm sorry to tell you that
+my son, while waiting to see you, has fallen off the wall--he's down
+there.
+
+KING'S MAN. Yes, ma'am! I see him. Is that all, ma'am? Good morning.
+About turn!----                                 [_They turn away again._
+
+MRS. D. Oh, sirs! Oh, sirs! don't go away--I want you to pick him up
+again.
+
+KING'S MAN. Well, ma'am, we may be late for the Coronation, but anything
+to oblige. [_To soldiers._] About turn! [_They turn back._] First file,
+take hold of the boy's arms! Second file, catch hold of his legs!
+Now--all together, on to the wall--lift! [_They try to pick him up._]
+I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't move him--he's rather stout, you see.
+
+MRS. P. What did I say! If only it was my Billy now.
+
+    [_More music heard._
+
+KING'S MAN. Here's another regiment coming--perhaps they can do it.
+
+    [_Enter more soldiers._
+
+KING'S MAN. If you please, Colonel----
+
+COLONEL. Halt! What is it, my man?
+
+KING'S MAN. There's a young feller there fallen off the wall--we can't
+get him up again, sir.
+
+COLONEL. What! All you King's horses and all you King's men can't do a
+simple thing like that! Preposterous! Ridiculous! [_He twirls his
+moustache and is very warlike._] Sergeant-Major!
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel!
+
+COLONEL. Fall out the regiment, and replace that boy on the wall.
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Right turn! Dismiss! Now then, all together.
+
+    [_Both regiments dash at HUMPTY and try to pick him up._
+
+COLONEL. H'm--it's not so easy as I thought. A charge of cavalry might
+do it. [_HUMPTY starts._] Or, upon my word, an explosion of dynamite
+would be better. Sergeant-Major!
+
+    [_HUMPTY trembles._
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel.
+
+COLONEL. Blow this boy off the ground with dynamite.
+
+MRS. D. [_hurriedly_]. Oh, thank you so much--I won't trouble you to do
+that.
+
+COLONEL. No trouble at all, madam, I assure you. It won't take a moment.
+Sergeant-Major!
+
+MRS. P. Oh, how exciting!
+
+MRS. D. Be quiet, Mrs. Pringle. _Pray_ don't trouble, Colonel--I think
+he is very comfortable where he is, thank you.
+
+COLONEL. Just as you wish, madam--but if we can't do anything for you I
+think we had better be moving on. Sergeant-Major!
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel.
+
+COLONEL. Fall in the regiment.
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Regiment! Fall in!    [_They fall in and stand at ease._
+
+COLONEL. Attention! Right turn. Quick march!                  [_Exeunt._
+
+MRS. D. What a dreadful man!
+
+MRS. P. Oh, did you think so? I thought him so pleasant.
+
+MRS. D. Why, what's Humpty doing?
+
+    [_HUMPTY rolls over and faces the audience._
+
+HUMPTY. Phew! I felt rather anxious then--I thought I should have to get
+up----
+
+MRS. D. Get up! But can you get up, my poppet?        [_HUMPTY sits up._
+
+HUMPTY. Of course I can, if I like--only it was such fun having them all
+crowding round and pulling at me.
+
+MRS. P. Well, I never! It would have served you quite right if they had
+blown you up as they said.
+
+MRS. D. How hard you are on the poor child, Mrs. Pringle.
+
+MRS. P. My Billy would never have done such a thing.
+
+HUMPTY. Of course he wouldn't--he's much too stupid.
+
+MRS. P. Stupid! Not he--he's got too much sense to go falling off a wall
+just when a procession was coming. I shall go home and tell him what you
+did.
+
+HUMPTY. And mind you tell him that all the King's horses and all the
+King's men couldn't pick Humpty Dumpty up again--till he chose!
+
+                                                             [_Gets up._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 8. HUMPTY DUMPTY.
+
+Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the
+King's horses and all the King's men, could'nt pick Humpty Dumpty up
+again.]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by 
+Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK ***
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+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by Florence Bell.
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+
+    p {  margin-top: .75em;
+         text-align: justify;
+         margin-bottom: .75em;
+         }
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {
+         text-align: center; /* all headings centered */
+         clear: both;
+         margin-top: 2em;
+         margin-bottom: 2em;
+         }
+    hr { width: 33%;
+	 margin-top: 2em;
+	 margin-bottom: 2em;
+         margin-left: auto;
+         margin-right: auto;
+         clear: both;
+       }
+
+    table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;}
+
+    body{margin-left: 10%;
+         margin-right: 10%;
+         max-width: 60em;
+        }
+
+    .pagenum  { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */
+            /*  visibility: hidden;  */
+                position: absolute;
+                left: 92%;
+                font-size: smaller;
+                text-align: right;
+              } /* page numbers */
+
+    .blockquot{margin-left: 40%;}
+    .cblockquot{margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%;}
+
+    .h3left   {text-align:left;}
+
+    .center   {text-align: center;}
+    .rght     {text-align: right;}
+    .smcap    {font-variant: small-caps; font-style: normal;}
+    .caption  {font-weight: bold;}
+
+    .figcenter   {margin: auto; text-align: center;}
+
+    .footnotes        {border: dashed 1px;}
+    .footnote         {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
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+    .fnanchor         {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;}
+
+    </style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by 
+Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cat and Fiddle Book
+       Eight Dramatised Nursery Rhymes for Nursery Performers
+
+Author: Lady Florence Bell
+        Mrs. Herbert Richmond
+
+Release Date: December 27, 2010 [EBook #34763]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h3 class="h3left" style="margin-bottom:10em"><i>The CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK</i></h3>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+
+<h4>Other Books of Plays for Children<br />
+<br />
+by <span class="smcap">LADY BELL</span></h4>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="5" summary="">
+<tr><td align='left'><i>Petit Th&eacute;&acirc;tre des Enfants</i></td><td align='left'>Twelfth</td><td align='left'>Impression</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><i>Nursery Comedies</i></td><td align='left'>Eighth</td><td align='center'>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><i>Th&eacute;&acirc;tre de la Jeunesse</i></td><td align='left'>Twelfth</td><td align='center'>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><i>Fairy-Tale Plays</i></td><td align='left'>Fifth</td><td align='center'>"</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><i>The Mother Hubbard Book</i></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<h1>
+<i>The</i><br />
+CAT AND FIDDLE<br />
+BOOK</h1>
+
+<h3><i>Eight dramatised Nursery<br />
+Rhymes for Nursery<br />
+Performers</i></h3>
+
+<h5><i>by</i><br />
+<big>LADY BELL</big><br />
+<i>and</i><br />
+<big><span class="smcap">Mrs. HERBERT RICHMOND</span></big></h5>
+
+<h4>LONGMANS, GREEN AND CO.<br />
+<small>39 PATERNOSTER ROW, LONDON, E.C.4<br />
+NEW YORK, TORONTO<br />
+BOMBAY, CALCUTTA AND MADRAS<br />
+1922<br />
+<i>Printed in Great Britain</i></small></h4>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<h4><i>To<br />
+MY TEN GRANDCHILDREN</i></h4>
+
+
+<div class="cblockquot">
+<p>Eight of whom</p>
+
+<p class="center"><small>PAULINE, GEORGE, KITTY, MARY, BRIDGET,
+VALENTINE, MARJORIE, AND FLORENCE</small></p>
+
+<p>have "created" many of the parts in these playlets, and
+two of whom, <small>BILL</small> and <small>GEOFFREY</small>, are still among the
+audience.</p>
+
+<p style='text-align:right'>
+F.B.<br />
+May 1922<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<h5><i>Made in Great Britain</i></h5>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<h3 class="h3left"><i>The TABLE OF CONTENTS</i></h3>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="4" summary="Contents" width="70%">
+<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'>BY LADY BELL</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_CAT_AND_THE_FIDDLE">The Cat and the Fiddle</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> &nbsp; 9</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#LUCY_LOCKET">Lucy Locket</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> 13</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#POLLY_PUT_THE_KETTLE_ON">Polly Put the Kettle On</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> 17</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#GOOSEY-GANDER">Goosey-Gander</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> 21</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#ORANGES_AND_LEMONS">Oranges and Lemons</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> 27</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#RIDE_A_COCK-HORSE">Ride-a-Cock-horse</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> 32</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='center' colspan='2'>BY MRS. HERBERT RICHMOND</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#LITTLE_MISS_MUFFET">Little Miss Muffet</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> 37</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#HUMPTY_DUMPTY">Humpty Dumpty</a></td><td align='left'><i>p.</i> 42</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<div class="cblockquot"><p>&para; The Characters in list at the beginning of each play
+are always given in the order of their appearance.</p></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+<h3 class="h3left"><i>SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR THE "PRODUCERS" OF<br />
+THESE PLAYLETS</i></h3>
+
+
+<p>In every case the tune of the nursery rhyme, the dramatized
+version of which is about to be acted, should be played through
+twice on the piano before the curtain is raised: the first time
+without singing; the second time the audience, of which the
+majority presumably will be children, should be asked to join
+in and sing it too, led by the performers singing it behind the
+scenes. At the close of the piece, when the curtain has fallen
+at the place indicated in the text it should (if justified by
+applause) be raised again, discovering the performers standing
+in a row. These should sing the rhyme through again to the
+piano accompaniment, the audience joining in as before, after
+which the curtain is finally lowered.</p>
+
+<p>The scenery can in nearly every case be arranged by using
+folding screens. In one or two pieces, such as <i>Goosey-Goosey-Gander</i>
+and <i>Ride-a-Cock-horse</i>, it would be improved by being
+a little more elaborate. But even in these, if there is no artist
+in the family who can paint a Banbury Cross or a farmyard in
+the background, a large label can be hung up to show in what
+kind of surroundings the action is taking place. As to costume,
+the period of none of the plays, fortunately, is precisely known,
+and the performers therefore can be dressed up as they choose.
+Where animals' heads are required, such as the <span class="smcap">Cow</span>, <span class="smcap">Dog</span>, and
+<span class="smcap">Cat</span> in the <i>Cat and the Fiddle</i>, the <span class="smcap">Goose</span> and <span class="smcap">Drake</span> in <i>Goosey-Gander</i>,
+and the <span class="smcap">Cock</span> in <i>Ride-a-Cock-horse</i>, these will not be
+found very difficult to make out of cardboard, not too stiff, bent
+to the shape required and roughly painted.</p>
+
+<p>In one or two of the plays there are speaking parts which
+can be taken by quite little children, such as the <span class="smcap">Dish</span> and
+<span class="smcap">Spoon</span> in the <i>Cat and the Fiddle</i>, the latter especially being
+within the grasp of the smallest performer able to speak distinctly
+enough for the words to be recognisable. The part of
+<span class="smcap">Polly</span> in <i>Polly Put the Kettle On</i> can be played by any
+intelligent child of five. In <i>Oranges and Lemons</i>, <i>Humpty
+Dumpty</i>, and <i>Ride-a-Cock-horse</i> there are possibilities of a
+crowd in which any number of children available can "come
+on" and so take a share in the performance.</p>
+
+<p>The writer ventures to suggest that the preface of a book<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+entitled <i>Fairy-Tale Plays</i> (Longman) contains detailed directions
+which may be found helpful for rehearsing with children.
+The great thing for the "Producers" to remember is not to
+cast a gloom over the proceedings by being depressed or losing
+their tempers when the performers still don't know their parts
+on the day of the performance, when their "business" at that
+performance is exactly opposite to that inculcated at rehearsals,
+and when they invent on "the night" an entirely new series
+of mistakes. It does not matter if they do. The audience, which
+will probably largely consist of the relations of the performers,
+will be just as pleased whatever happens, and so will every
+child-lover who is looking on. So will the actors, whose enjoyment
+is assured if they are acting and dressing up. And the
+spectator who does not like seeing their enjoyment does not
+deserve to have any himself, so we need not take him into
+account.</p>
+
+<p>Neither the writer nor the producers of these absurd little
+plays, therefore, need have much fear of failure. They are
+spared the acute preliminary&mdash;and subsequent&mdash;agonies of
+those who produce plays of a larger size and a better quality
+than those contained in this little book.</p>
+
+<p class="rght"><span class="smcap">Florence Bell</span></p>
+
+<p> &nbsp; &nbsp; <i>May 1922.</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_CAT_AND_THE_FIDDLE" id="THE_CAT_AND_THE_FIDDLE"></a>THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE</h2>
+
+
+<h4>SCENE</h4>
+
+<p><i>A room in Mrs. MOOCOWS Boarding House. A chair R.C., a settee, or another
+chair, up stage R. At back L.C. two ordinary folding screens about 2ft. 6in. apart, a
+curtain hung across the space between them. A picture of a full moon painted on a
+large piece of cardboard must be propped up behind the opening between the screens,
+so that when the curtain is drawn back the moon is seen on the horizon,</i> i.e. <i>its lower
+edge on the level of the ground.</i></p>
+
+<h4>CHARACTERS<br />
+
+<i>In order of their appearance</i></h4>
+
+<p class="center">
+THE COW<br />
+THE DOG<br />
+THE CAT<br />
+THE DISH<br />
+THE SPOON<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Dog!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Yes?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Do you like the cat?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> No, I don't. Do you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Of course not.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Why <i>did</i> you have her to lodge with you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> I really don't know. I thought it would be nice to
+have someone who was fond of music.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> <i>I'm</i> fond of it, but not of the cat's music.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> No, her music is a disappointment.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> I don't care about that great lumpy fiddle of hers,
+either.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> And she <i>will</i> accompany herself on it when she mews.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> And then, she's so vain.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Yes! She told me she could jump better than I could.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Oh, how absurd.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> She says I can't climb a tree.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> And can you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> I've never tried it&mdash;I don't want to. She says <i>you</i>
+can't climb a tree.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Well, what then? I can stand at the bottom of it and
+bark. Can she do that?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Of course not. And I told her that if I liked I could
+jump over the moon.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog</span> [<i>rather incredulous</i>]. Could you, Cow? Could you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> If it were near the ground.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> But is it ever near the ground?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Certainly, when it is quite low down and looks all big
+and red.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Oh yes, to be sure.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> And then, the cat gives such a lot of trouble. She
+must have her dinner on a dish every day, all mixed up with a
+spoon.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Such a fuss! Why can't she just have a bone on the
+drawing-room carpet&mdash;nothing nicer than that.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Or some grass in the field&mdash;so simple? The Dish and
+the Spoon don't like having to come down from the dresser
+so often. They like being quiet. [<i>Mewing heard.</i>] Not much
+chance of being quiet with a cat who practises all day.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<img src="images/i001.jpg" width="800" height="387" alt="1. THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE." title="1. THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE." />
+</div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cat</span> <i>L., mewing.</i> <i>She is carrying a 'cello or a violin,
+preferably the former. She sits down on chair R.C.
+and pretends to tune her instrument, mewing the note
+and turning the pegs. If a grown-up who can play
+the tune on one of these instruments is not available
+for the part of the cat, the child who acts it can be
+taught, while mewing the tune through after tuning,
+to draw the bow across the open D string and A string
+on first beat, provided the instrument is not too
+precious for such handling.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> May I ask, Cat&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> Don't interrupt, please, when I'm practising. I'm
+going to mew at a concert to-night.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Goes on.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Cow</span> <i>and the</i> <span class="smcap">Dog</span> <i>join in, mooing and barking</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat</span> [<i>at end of tune</i>]. What are you doing?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> We're joining in the chorus.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> There isn't a chorus to that song.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> There was that time.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> Well, don't let it happen again. I shan't practise any
+more for the present.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> That's a comfort.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> I want my dinner.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow</span> [<i>calls off</i>]. Dish! Spoon! Bring the Cat's dinner.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dish</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Spoon</span> <i>R</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dish</span> and <span class="smcap">Spoon</span>. If you please, we wish to give notice.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Notice! Why?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dish.</span> There is too much to do here. We don't like having
+to bring in so many meals for the Cat.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spoon.</span> No, we don't.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> What impertinence!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Well, then, I'll give notice too as a lodger. I don't
+like living under the same roof as the Cat.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Do you hear. Cat? You are breaking up my establishment.
+I must ask you to leave this day week.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> Certainly not. I've got my rooms by the year, remember.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Oh dear. Bow, wow, wow.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> May I ask why you don't like me?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> I don't like your ways. You wag your tail when you're
+angry instead of wagging it when you're pleased.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> It <i>is</i> a silly doggish plan to wag it when you're pleased.
+How can people know what you mean?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> And you're so vain.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> What about you? You said you could jump over the
+moon.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> I said I could if I liked. But I don't like.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> I'll bet you can't jump over the moon, whether you
+like it or not.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> I never bet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> Then we won't bet for money. But I'll bet you you
+can't jump over the moon, and if you can, then I'll have lost
+my bet, and I'll go away as you ask; but if you can't, then I'll
+stay here as long as I please.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog</span> [<i>who has slyly pulled aside the curtain&mdash;aside to</i> <span class="smcap">Cow</span>].
+Say yes, the moon's quite low.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Cat</span>]. All right, I'll take your bet.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> And I'll be umpire.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> Fair play, mind.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Dogs are always honest, they are not like cats.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> And cats are always polite. They are not like dogs.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Now listen, Cat. If the Cow jumps so high that we
+can see the moon beneath her, that shall be counted jumping
+over the moon.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> All right, then, draw the curtain so that we can see
+the moon.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Dish</span> <i>draws the curtain&mdash;moon seen on the horizon</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Now then. One, two, three.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Cow</span> <i>jumps</i>. <i>Moon seen under her as she jumps.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog.</span> Ha, ha, ha! It makes me laugh to see such sport. Cow,
+you have won. We saw the moon under you as you jumped.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dish</span> and <span class="smcap">Spoon</span>. Yes, we did!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dog</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Cat</span>]. You have lost your bet.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cat.</span> I'm very glad to go away from you all. I don't like
+those lumpy-jumpy ways.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">All.</span> We're glad too, so we're all satisfied!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Cat</span>, <i>mewing and fiddling</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dish.</span> Come along, Spoon. I'll run away with you into
+the fields.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cow.</span> Oh, what fun! we'll all elope together. Come on, Dog!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>They all dance round, and finally out. Length of dance
+ad lib., but they must go round twice at least. As
+they go from one side of the stage to the other</i>, <span class="smcap">Cat</span>
+<i>comes in, in the contrary direction, meeting them</i>.
+<i>She carries her 'cello and stick in one hand, and in
+the other a small suit case. She tosses her head scornfully
+at the others and marches out.</i></p></div>
+
+
+<h5>CURTAIN</h5>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="LUCY_LOCKET" id="LUCY_LOCKET"></a>LUCY LOCKET</h2>
+
+
+<h4>CHARACTERS</h4>
+
+<p class="center">
+MRS. LOCKET<br />
+LUCY, her daughter<br />
+KITTY FISHER, her niece<br />
+</p>
+
+<p class="center">&#8258;<small>Produced at St. Mary's Hospital, Paddington, during the Christmas season
+of 1921, with the following cast:<br />
+
+<i>Mrs. Locket</i>: SYBIL THORNDIKE<br />
+<i>Lucy Locket</i>: <span class="smcap">Mary Casson</span><br />
+<i>Kitty Fisher</i>: <span class="smcap">Ann Casson</span><br />
+</small></p>
+
+
+<h4>SCENE</h4>
+
+<p><i>MRS. LOCKET'S Drawing Room. Small table L. with workbox, etc., on it. R.C.
+armchair L. of table. L.C. higher chair.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Locket</span> <i>on armchair, sewing</i>; <span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>on
+higher chair, swinging her legs</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Oh dear, I never thought I should have such a careless
+child.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Why didn't you think so, mother?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Because I was so very tidy myself when I was a little
+girl&mdash;just like your Cousin Kitty. Oh, why are you not like
+her!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I do think Kitty is so boring.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> My dear child! How wrong to say such a thing
+of your cousin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> But, mother, you always say I'm to tell the truth.
+So as she is boring, I must say so.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> It's wrong to be bored by people who are good.
+Kitty is so tidy, so careful about everything: so unlike you.
+You're so heedless I can't even send you to the village shop
+for me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, mother do let me go to the shop for you. I'm
+sure I could.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> I do want two pennorth of pepper, but I can't
+trust you to get it. I'm sure you would lose the pennies.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> No, no. I would hold them tightly in my hand. You
+see, I haven't a pocket in this frock. That's one reason why
+I lose things.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> That is true, and I have made you a nice little
+pocket to tie on, in hopes it will make you more careful.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, mother, what a darling pocket, and what a pretty
+binding!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Yes, I've just sewn it on.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>ties it on round her waist</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Do give me the two pennies, and I'll put them into
+the pocket.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Take care that bow doesn't slip. You've tied it very
+loosely. Oh, here is your cousin Kitty.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Kitty</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Good morning, Aunt Jane.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Good morning, my child, and how is my good
+little girl this morning?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Very well, thank you, aunt, and I feel very happy,
+too.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> So do I.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Looking proudly at her pocket.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Ah, but not for the same reason, I fear. I feel happy
+because I am so very good. I'm so tidy and careful, and I
+never forget anything.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> How dull that must be!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Oh, my dear Lucy. Don't say that! Ask Kitty
+to tell you how she does it, while I go and write my letters.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Goes out.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> No, don't tell me anything about it, Kitty. Look
+at my new pocket.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> I hope you won't lose it. I never lose anything.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, then, you do miss a lot of excitement! When
+I'm going out I have to rush about looking for my things,
+and it is so thrilling when I see my shoe far back under the
+bed, or my handkerchief in the coal-scuttle.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oh, Lucy, how much better it would be if your
+shoes were tidily side by side! You shock me. I always
+put my things where they ought to be, and then I find them
+again at once.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Well, I wish you wouldn't, then, and put it into my
+mother's head. She's always wanting me to do the same.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> You must try, Lucy. Try as hard as you can, and
+perhaps some day you will grow up like me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I hope I shan't.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Makes a face at her.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oh, how distressing! I never make a face.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Now I'm going out to shop for mother.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Jumps round room and goes out.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty</span> [<i>looking after her</i>]. Oh, poor girl, how I pity her!
+What is that I see on the ground over there? [<i>Goes out
+and brings in</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy's</span> <i>pocket</i>.] Why, I believe this is Lucy's
+pocket! Dear, dear, how careless of her! What a good thing
+I was there ready to pick it up. [<i>Feels in bag.</i>] Nothing in
+it. Ha! there's something. No, it's only the binding round
+it. Dear, dear, she has lost the money too! I must go and find
+my aunt and take it to her.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span>, <span class="smcap">Kitty</span> <i>ostentatiously holding bag so that</i>
+<span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> <i>may see it</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> What's that you have, Kitty?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty</span> [<i>holding it up</i>]. It's Lucy's pocket.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> What! Lucy's pocket, that I made her this morning?
+What are you doing with it, Kitty?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> I'm sorry to say, Aunt Jane, that Lucy dropped it,
+and as I happened to be looking round me to see if I could be
+useful in any way I saw it and picked it up.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> And what about the pence that were in it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> They are not there. I'm very sorry, as I know people
+ought to be so careful of money. I always am.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Loud boo-hooing heard outside.</i> <i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Lucy</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I've lost my pocket! I've lost my pocket!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Oh, you careless girl! you may well cry. Luckily
+for you, Kitty Fisher found it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, Kitty, did you? Oh, I am so glad. Give it to
+me quickly!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty</span> [<i>holding it back</i>]. Don't you think, Aunt Jane, I had
+better have it? I am so careful of my things.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy</span> [<i>angry</i>]. No, you shan't. You shan't have my nice
+pocket.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Goes to her and drags it away. They fight.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> You are not to fight. That is very wrong.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Very wrong. I forgot myself, I am afraid.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Where are the pence you had in the pocket,
+Lucy?</p>
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Lucy</span> <i>boo-hoos again</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Oh, mother, it must have come untied when I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>
+jumped about. I'm so dreadfully sorry. I shall never be
+happy again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> No, of course you can't feel happy as I do.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Mother, do let me try once more; I really will be
+good.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Are you sure, Lucy? Will you really try?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> Yes, yes, I promise. I'll be like a little girl in a book,
+who changes all of a sudden, and never does it again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> Very well, then, I'll trust you with it once more.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> I'm a little surprised at you, aunt.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> And you'll never tell me I'm to be as good as Kitty?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. L.</span> No, because you will be just as good without my
+telling you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Good-bye then, aunt, I don't care to stay here if I'm
+of no use in setting an example to Lucy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lucy.</span> I can do without your example, thank you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> We shall see. But next time Lucy Locket loses
+her pocket Kitty Fisher will not find it.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They all sing "Lucy Locket," the curtain coming down
+on the last line.</i></p>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<img src="images/i002.jpg" width="800" height="431" alt="2. LUCY LOCKET." title="2. LUCY LOCKET." />
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="POLLY_PUT_THE_KETTLE_ON" id="POLLY_PUT_THE_KETTLE_ON"></a>POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON</h2>
+
+
+<h4>CHARACTERS</h4>
+
+<p class="center">
+MRS. SMILER<br />
+MRS. BROWN<br />
+MRS. JENNINGS<br />
+POLLY<br />
+MRS. CRABSTICK<br />
+SUKEY<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>SCENE</h4>
+
+<p><i>MRS. SMILER'S Cottage. A table C. half way up stage, four chairs round it
+arranged almost in a semi-circle, so that there is no one with back to audience. R. a stove
+on which to put kettle, etc. Dresser or table at back with cups and saucers, etc., on it.</i></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Polly! Polly!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly</span> [<i>outside</i>]. Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Polly</span>. <i>She is very small.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Now, Polly, this afternoon you must be my little maid.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Do you think I can trust you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> You see, Sukey hasn't come in yet, and some people
+are coming to tea, so you must put the kettle on to boil, and
+make the tea when they come.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Do you think you can?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Do you know how to make the tea?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> How do you make it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> With water, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Anything else?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> No, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Oh, Polly! you are hopeless.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> What do you make the tea with, stupid?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> The kettle, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> And what else?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> The teapot, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> And what inside the teapot?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly</span> [<i>thinks a minute, then triumphantly</i>]. Water, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Anything else?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Tea, ma'am!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Of course. Now mind you don't forget, and have
+everything ready, as the party will be here in a minute:
+and I'll go and put on my best cap.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly</span> [<i>stands for a minute with the kettle in her hands, trying
+to remember</i>]. Let me see ... Oh yes, the tea.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>She puts many spoonfuls of tea into the kettle, and then
+water, shakes the kettle to see if there's water in
+it, pours some water into the teapot; then, as she is
+standing with the kettle in her hand,</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> <i>comes
+in quickly with a gorgeous cap on</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> I see them coming across the green! Quick, Polly,
+put the kettle on, we'll all have tea. [<i>A knock at the door.</i>
+<span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> <i>goes and opens it</i>.] Good afternoon, Mrs. Brown, Mrs.
+Jennings, Mrs. Crabstick!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. J.</span> [<i>brightly</i>]. Good afternoon to you, I'm sure.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B.</span> [<i>composed</i>]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> [<i>coldly</i>]. Afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. J.</span> [<i>brightly</i>]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler, and hoping
+you keep well.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Yes, thank you. I have my worries, of course, like
+the rest of us.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> [<i>grimly</i>]. We all have. It's a weary world.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. J.</span> Oh, Mrs. Crabstick, cheer up, just when we've
+come to such a nice tea-party.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> I depend on my tea.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B.</span> Oh, of course; so do I.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. J.</span> We all do.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Well, I hope you'll get it as you like it to-day.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> One doesn't get what one's used to out of their own
+house, but if you come out to tea one must make the best of it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. J.</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span>]. And your little maid, Sukey, makes
+such good tea.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Yes, she does, but to-day she's out. I'm afraid
+she must have had a tumble off her bicycle.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> Bicycle indeed! In my young days feet were good
+enough.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. J.</span> [<i>laughing</i>]. Quite true, Mrs. Crabstick. If we had
+been meant to go on bicycles we should be born with wheels
+instead of legs.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B.</span> Ah, it's a weary world.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Oh dear me, Mrs. Crabstick, don't be so gloomy.
+I've got another little maid to take Sukey's place this afternoon.
+You'll get your tea all the same. The kettle's boiling
+now. Polly, is everything ready?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>She brings in the teapot, the guests sit round the table</i>,
+<span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> <i>at the head of it</i>. <i>Kettle on fire.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Now, I'll help you first, Mrs. Crabstick. I know
+you depend so much on your tea.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Pours out: water only comes out of the pot.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Oh!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. J.</span> There's only water in the teapot.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B.</span> There's no tea in it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Oh dear, what can have happened? Polly!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> There's no tea in the teapot.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> No, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> But I told you to put in some tea, and I gave you
+the tea-caddy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Then what did you do with the tea?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Put it into the kettle, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Into the kettle! Give me the kettle at once.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Polly.</span> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> <i>pours out; an inky fluid comes out of the spout.</i><a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Oh! what a way of making tea!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> You'll excuse me if I go away, Mrs. Smiler. I'm so
+afraid of being taken worse if I stay here after what has happened.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Others.</span> And we really feel we had better do the same.
+Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They all get up and go towards the door.</i> <i>The door
+is thrown violently open and</i> <span class="smcap">Sukey</span> <i>rushes in</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Oh, Sukey! There you are at last.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">All the Guests</span> [<i>looking at her</i>]. At last!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sukey.</span> I'm so sorry, ma'am; I fell off my bicycle, and
+it's broken.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> [<i>solemnly</i>]. What did I say!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sukey.</span> I did so want to be here to make the tea.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> You had better have been. Look!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Pours out of the kettle some of the black liquid.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sukey.</span> Oh dear! I'll get another. [<i>Opens cupboard, gets
+out another kettle.</i>] I'll soon make it boil.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Puts water into kettle and puts it on the fire.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B.</span> I don't think we'll wait for any more tea-makings,
+thank you. Good afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">All.</span> Good afternoon.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>They all go out.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span> Oh dear! Oh dear! My tea-party has not been
+a success. Sukey, take it off again, they've all gone away.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Mrs. S.</span>, <span class="smcap">Sukey</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Polly</span> <i>all sing together</i>,
+"Sukey, take it off again, they've all gone away!"</p>
+
+
+<h5>QUICK CURTAIN</h5>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 791px;">
+<img src="images/i003.jpg" width="791" height="600" alt="3. POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON." title="3. POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON." />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="GOOSEY-GANDER" id="GOOSEY-GANDER"></a>GOOSEY-GANDER</h2>
+
+
+<h4>CHARACTERS</h4>
+
+<p class="center">
+THE GANDER<br />
+THE DRAKE<br />
+THE BAILIFF<br />
+FARMER GILES<br />
+THE COUNTESS<br />
+MELISSA<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="smcap">Gander</span> and the <span class="smcap">Drake</span> have a language of their own which they are supposed
+to use when speaking to one another, but the parts are here written in ordinary
+language to be understood by the audience. They understand what the human
+beings say, but cannot join in conversation with them.</p>
+
+
+<h4>SCENE I</h4>
+
+<p><i>A road, paling at back, parallel to front of stage, with gate supposed to be leading
+into farmyard.</i> <i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>R. Walks rapidly to the centre of the stage, then
+suddenly stops as if bewildered, looks on ground in every direction</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Why, it's gone!</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span> <i>L.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> Good morning, Gander.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Good morning's all very well, but where is it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> What? Where? Which?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Really, Drake, you're the stupidest bird. You're
+nearly as stupid as my wife, and I never saw such a goose as
+she is. Don't you see what I'm looking for? Don't you see
+what's gone?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> Oh, you don't mean&mdash;what! the puddle! Gone!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Of course. Only yesterday morning there was a
+nice large hole just in the middle of the road, and a large
+puddle in it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> So there was. So convenient and delightful.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Yes, you were always sure of finding a puddle
+there, however dry the rest of the road was.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> But where has it gone to? Who can have taken it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Oh, I know quite well&mdash;it's that bailiff, of course.
+And I know why he did it, too. It was just to spite me, as
+he knew that was my favourite walk.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> I've thought for a long time he had a grudge
+against you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Yes, ever since the day that I flapped two of his
+horrid little children into the pond.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> Serve them right. It will teach them to come
+rushing about the farmyard as if it belonged to them.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> And they're so rude, too. Just imagine, the other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>
+day one of them said to me, "Hallo, goosey-poosey"! I
+ask you, <i>is</i> that the way to speak to a gander?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> Monstrous!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> I sometimes feel inclined to go up to the castle
+and complain to the Countess.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> Well, why don't you? It's not far across the fields.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Oh yes, I know the way to the castle gates, but
+when I got inside it I should be wandering upstairs and downstairs
+and in my lady's chamber, and not know where I was.
+But still, something must be done about that bailiff.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> And the way he comes prancing along on his dapple-grey
+pony, as if no one could ride a spirited animal but himself!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Look, here he comes!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>rides in on hobby horse and curvets and
+prances round on stage, and rides into middle
+where</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span> <i>are standing</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> Now then, you birds! Get out of the way, can't you?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He hits at them with his stick.</i> <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span>
+<i>flap their wings, hiss and quack, and scurry out of
+the way</i>. <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>hitches his horse to the gate by
+the bridle and walks into the middle of the road,
+bends down, and looks at where the hole had been</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span>]. There now, you see. I told you he did it.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Farmer Giles</span> <i>comes slowly out and leans over gate
+at back C.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> [<i>still in road</i>]. Morning, Farmer Giles.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Farmer Giles</span> [<i>pipe in mouth, nods sideways</i>]. Morning.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> I came to have a look at the road. I'm glad to see
+that the hole's quite gone.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span>]. Listen to him, glorying in it!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Farmer Giles.</span> Oh ay, they had a grand mending of it.
+They filled it and rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it,
+and they filled it and they rolled it, and then, they filled it
+and they rolled it again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> And they've made a good job of it, too.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span>]. Let's show him we don't like it.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They stand in the middle of the road and flap and hiss
+and quack.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> Those birds are intolerable.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Farmer Giles</span> [<i>smiling</i>]. I expect they're looking for their
+puddle, poor things. They was always splashing about in it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> Then they'll have to do without it, that's all.
+[<span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>comes up near him and flaps at him</i>. <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>unties hobby
+horse</i>.] That's a vicious gander of yours, Farmer Giles. He nearly
+drowned my children the other day. It really isn't safe.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Farmer Giles.</span> Ah, the little uns was teasing of him, I
+daresay. It'll do them no harm to be learned how to behave
+in the farmyard.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> [<i>mounting his horse</i>]. Well, he had better not do it again.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shakes his stick at</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span>. <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>rushes at him</i>.
+<i>They fight.</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>peck and flap</i>.
+<span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>beats them with his stick</i>. <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>gets
+hold of his coat with his beak</i>. <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>beats him
+off</i>. <span class="smcap">Farmer Giles</span> <i>looks on, smoking and smiling</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> My best coat! Look! this is intolerable. I shall
+go straight to the castle and complain to her ladyship.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Gallops off R.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Farmer Giles</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span>]. Look here, old boy, you must
+behave yourself, mind, or you'll get into trouble.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Goes back through gate and off L.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Quick, we must follow that old wretch to the
+castle and hear what he's saying. Come on, Drakey. How
+fast can you waddle?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Drake.</span> Oh, a good pace. I can do a mile an hour easy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gander.</span> Capital. Come along then.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They waddle out R.</i></p>
+
+
+<h5>CURTAIN</h5>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h4>SCENE II</h4>
+
+<p><i>The COUNTESS'S Boudoir. A table R. slanting to the audience with ornamental
+mirror standing on it. A door at back, L.C. Door in R.H. corner, back labelled</i> "Secret
+staircase to dungeon." <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Countess</span> <i>sitting at the table looking at herself in the
+mirror</i>. <span class="smcap">Melissa</span>, <i>her maid, standing, with a hat in her hand trimmed with flowers</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Now, Melissa, give me my garden hat, please.
+I feel inclined to go down to the farm.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Melissa</span> [<i>bringing the hat</i>]. Your ladyship is so fond of the
+farm.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Indeed I am, and of the live stock there. I
+should like to direct it all myself, but I don't think the bailiff
+would like it. He is rather tiresome sometimes.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Melissa.</span> Still, my lady, he is a most honest man, and
+his accounts, as your ladyship always says, are a marvel.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Oh yes, in many ways he is excellent, I know,
+and yet he is not popular with the poultry&mdash;no doubt of that.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Melissa.</span> That is true. He doesn't seem to get on with
+the gander.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Such a pity. I like the gander myself&mdash;he is
+always very civil to me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Melissa</span> [<i>laughing</i>]. Really, my lady, he seems such a sensible
+bird, sometimes you would really think he understood
+what you say.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>They both laugh. A knock at the door.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Melissa!</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Points to door.</i></p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Melissa</span> <i>opens the door</i>. <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>is seen</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> May I enter, madam?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Melissa.</span> Come in, Master Bailiff.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Good day, Master Bailiff.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> [<i>agitated</i>]. I hope I do not intrude on your ladyship,
+but I come on a pressing matter&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> What is it?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> My coat, madam.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> WHAT!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> I beg your ladyship to look at it&mdash;there is a large
+tear in it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> A somewhat unseemly sight&mdash;I should have
+thought you would have begged me not to look at it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> But it is your gander, my lady.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> What is my gander?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> My coat.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Your coat is my gander, Bailiff? You are talking
+wildly.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> It is no wonder, madam. It was the Gander did<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>
+it. [<i>Showing tear on coat.</i>] I have been attacked by that
+vicious bird&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> And wounded in the coat tails!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Countess</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Melissa</span> <i>laugh</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> It does not seem a laughing matter to me, your
+ladyship. Something must be done.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> With a needle and thread. There, I quite agree
+with you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> No, madam&mdash;with a big stick. Something must
+be done to make the Gander behave better.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> I am sorry you don't like the Gander, Bailiff.
+I always find him very pleasant.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> I regret that your ladyship is inclined to make
+such a companion of him. He really seems to consider he is
+on an equality with your ladyship.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> On an equality with me! You are impertinent,
+sir. No one is on an equality with me in this castle. But
+I have a warm regard for the Gander, and I consider that you
+have insulted us both by your complaints. [<i>A noise at the
+door.</i>] Melissa!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Melissa</span> has<i>tens to open the door</i>. <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Drake</span> <i>are seen in the doorway.</i> <i>They both bow.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Melissa.</span> Oh!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Come in, both of you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> What, even here! Miserable birds, how dare you!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span> <i>hiss and squawk</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> You forget yourself, Bailiff. This is not your
+house. I beg that you will apologise at once for your rudeness
+to us all. Down on your knees at once and pray for
+forgiveness.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> I am willing to apologise to you, madam, but not
+to the Gander, and I will not go on my knees, even to your
+ladyship.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Do you hear that, Gander? There stands an old
+man&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bailiff.</span> Old man, madam?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Yes, old, compared to the Gander&mdash;who will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>
+not say his prayers. Take him by the left leg and throw him
+downstairs.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Fight.</i> <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>hits the</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span> <i>with
+his stick</i>. <i>They flap and peck.</i> <span class="smcap">Melissa</span> <i>opens the
+door of the secret staircase</i>. <i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>falls with
+his legs through the doorway. They drag him out and
+a great noise of tumbling is heard. Then they come
+in again.</i></p></div>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> Thank you, Gander. Now we will go for a nice
+walk and you shall choose it. You shall take me to your
+favourite place.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Gander</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Drake</span> <i>both shake their heads sadly</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Countess.</span> What is it? Something wrong? Dear me, I wish
+you could speak. Lead the way then. Goosey Goosey Gander,
+whither shall we wander?</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Walk round with steps and out.</i></p>
+
+<h5>CURTAIN</h5>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<img src="images/i004.jpg" width="800" height="579" alt="4. GOOSEY GANDER." title="4. GOOSEY GANDER." />
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="ORANGES_AND_LEMONS" id="ORANGES_AND_LEMONS"></a>ORANGES AND LEMONS</h2>
+
+
+<h4>CHARACTERS</h4>
+<p class="center">
+MRS. CARR<br />
+KITTY, <i>her daughter</i><br />
+SHOREDITCH BOY<br />
+ST. MARTIN'S BOY<br />
+OLD BAILEY BOY<br />
+STEPNEY BOY<br />
+BOW BOY<br />
+NEIGHBOURS<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>SCENE</h4>
+
+<p><i>A STREET.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Carr</span>, <i>with a small basket in her hand in which are two oranges
+and two lemons, is walking along the street to her house, holding her little daughter</i>
+<span class="smcap">Kitty</span> <i>by the hand</i>. <i>They are supposed to have just arrived at her house door.</i></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> There now, here we are at home again, and I'll
+take these in and make a nice pot of jam with them. I got
+them very cheap.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> How much were they?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> Twopence each orange, and twopence and three
+farthings each lemon.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Handbells heard ringing.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Mother, why are the bells ringing?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> Because it is Bellringers' Day, when everyone who
+likes may ring a bell in the streets if he calls out the name of
+his parish and puts a penny into the parish poor box.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oh, I should like to do that. What's our parish?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> St. Clement's.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> And I could ring my little bell that I got off the
+Christmas tree.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> But have you a penny for the poor box?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty</span> [<i>coaxingly</i>]. You give me one, mammy darling.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> [<i>smiling</i>]. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare. I
+spent my pennies on these.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty</span> [<i>looking at the oranges and lemons in basket</i>]. Do let
+me sell them again and have some pennies!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> What about the jam then?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oh, I'd much rather have the pennies for the poor
+box, so that I could ring my bell too.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> Well, you may try to sell them if you like.</p>
+
+<p>Kitty. Oh, mammy darling, you <i>are</i> kind. I'll run in and
+get my bell.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Rushes in to get it.</i> <i>While she is inside</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Carr</span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>
+<i>arranges the oranges and lemons in the basket, etc.</i>
+<span class="smcap">Kitty</span> <i>comes out with the bell</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> [<i>giving her the basket, smiling</i>]. I'm spoiling you,
+mind.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> It is nice to be spoilt. Now you go indoors,
+mother, and I'll be a real person all by myself.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Mrs. C.</span> <i>smiles, kisses her, and goes in</i>. <span class="smcap">Kitty</span>, <i>alone,
+walks up and down calling</i> "St Clement's! St.
+Clement's! St. Clement's!" <i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">St. Martin's
+Boy</span>, <i>ringing his bell</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">St. M.</span> St. Martin's! St. Martin's!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Kitty's</span> <i>basket</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty</span> [<i>sings to tune, ringing bell</i>]. Oranges and lemons, says
+the Bells of St. Clement's!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">St. M.</span> Jolly good they look.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Buy one?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">St. M.</span> Yes, if they're not too dear. How much are they?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Two pennies for each orange, and two pennies and
+three farthings for each lemon.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">St. M.</span> All right, I'll have one of each. Now, twopence for
+this, you say, and twopence three farthings for this. Can you
+reckon up how much that is?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> No&mdash;<i>you</i> must.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">St. M.</span> Girls <i>are</i> silly. That makes fourpence three-farthings.
+Now, here's a sixpence, and you must give me five
+farthings change.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">
+[<i>Sings</i>] "You owe me five farthings, says the bells of
+St. Martin's."
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oh dear, I've got no farthings, no change, no
+nothing.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">St. M.</span> Then you'll have no sixpence as well, that's all.
+And I'll have no oranges and lemons&mdash;and no nothing.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oh dear, what a pity!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Shoreditch Boy</span>, <i>ringing bell</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Shoreditch.</span> Shoreditch! Shoreditch! Hallo, those look
+good. Look here, little girl, sell me one. [<i>Feels in his pocket.</i>]
+No, my pocket's empty.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Old Bailey Boy</span>, <i>ringing bell</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey.</span> Old Bailey! Old Bailey! Jolly things you've
+got there, young person.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> <i>Do</i> buy one.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Shoreditch.</span> <i>I</i> want to buy one if someone will lend me the
+money.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey.</span> Here, I've got some money. How much do you
+want?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Shoreditch.</span> Twopence.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey.</span> Here you are then.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Shoreditch.</span> Hooray! [<i>Takes orange.</i>] There, little girl.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Gives her two pennies.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oh, that is nice!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Shoreditch</span>]. But when will you pay me?</p>
+
+<p class="rght">
+[<i>Sings</i>] "When will you pay me? says the bell of Old
+Bailey."
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Shoreditch</span> [<i>sings, smiling</i>]. "When I grow rich, says the
+bell of Shoreditch."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey.</span> That's all very well, but it's a long time to
+wait. You put back that orange and give me back the pennies.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>They begin fighting, their bells making a noise as they
+do so.</i> <i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Stepney</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Bow</span>, <i>ringing bells</i>,
+<span class="smcap">Stepney</span> <i>in front</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Stepney.</span> Stepney!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bow.</span> And Bow!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Stepney.</span> Stepney!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bow.</span> And Bow!</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>They look at the boys fighting.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bow.</span> What's all this about?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey.</span> I've lent this Shoreditch boy twopence, and
+he says he'll pay me when he grows rich.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Stepney</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Shoreditch</span>, <i>sings</i>]. "When will that be? says
+the bell of Stepney."</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Shoreditch</span> <i>shakes his head and laughs</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bow</span> [<i>in a deep voice, sings</i>]. "I'm sure I don't know, says
+the big bell of Bow."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey.</span> Don't know, indeed!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bow.</span> Well, don't quarrel on Bellringers' Day. Let's make
+a great noise and disturb the neighbours, that's much more
+amusing. Come on now, let's each shout something.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 582px;">
+<img src="images/i005.jpg" width="582" height="800" alt="5. ORANGES AND LEMONS." title="5. ORANGES AND LEMONS." />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Each one sings a line, ringing the bell on the first beat of
+the bar.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kitty.</span> Oranges and lemons, says the bell of St. Clement's.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">St. M.</span> You owe me five farthings, says the bell of St.
+Martin's.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old Bailey.</span> When will you pay me? says the bell of Old
+Bailey.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Shoreditch.</span> When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Stepney.</span> When will that be? says the bell of Stepney.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bow.</span> I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow.
+Capital. Now, all together, about the chopper.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>All sing very loud.</i></p>
+
+<div class="cblockquot"><p>
+Here comes a candle to light you to bed,<br />
+And here comes a chopper to chop off your head.<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Neighbours.</span> Oh, what a noise!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bow.</span> It's Bellringers' Day, ma'am. We may make as much
+noise as we like. Now then, all together.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>They stand in a row and sing the song straight through.
+Then they either march round in single file without
+singing, but ringing their bells, while the tune is
+played on the piano, or else dance. In either case the
+neighbours may join in.</i></p></div>
+
+
+<h5>CURTAIN</h5>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="RIDE_A_COCK-HORSE" id="RIDE_A_COCK-HORSE"></a>RIDE A COCK-HORSE</h2>
+
+
+<h4>SCENE I</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Timmy</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span> <i>in separate beds, feet to audience, as the curtain goes up</i>. <span class="smcap">Tim</span>
+<i>sits up cautiously</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Jim, are you asleep?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim</span> [<i>sitting up and laughing</i>]. Yes, sound, are you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Yes. I <i>do</i> think it's so boring being in bed, don't you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> Horrid. I hate being asleep.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> But it's so difficult to keep awake sometimes, even if
+one has a book to look at.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> I can't think why Nurse doesn't like us to bring our
+book to bed. This is just the time to have it. It gives one nice
+dreams. [<i>He takes up book from the ground by his bed.</i>] Look,
+I've got mine.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> It would be safer to wait till she's been.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim</span> [<i>putting it under pillow</i>]. Perhaps it would.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> I <i>do</i> like it when Nurse looks in very softly and then
+says to Mother outside, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," when
+we're awake all the time!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> Take care, here she comes.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Nurse</span> <i>opens door with precaution, comes to beds, looks
+at both boys, who pretend to be sound asleep. She
+goes on tiptoe to door, opens it, says</i>, "They're sound
+asleep, ma'am," <i>and goes out quietly</i>. <i>The boys put
+out their heads, listen, and then sit up.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Now the book!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> Read something very nice. Then we can think about
+it afterwards. That will keep us awake.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>They sit up.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Oh, this is the one I like&mdash;"Ride a cock-horse to
+Banbury Cross, To see a fine lady upon a white horse: Rings
+on her fingers and bells on her toes, She shall have music
+wherever she goes."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> Oh yes, I love that one. Let's talk about it.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> What do you think a cock-horse is?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> I can't imagine. Do you think it's a horse with a cock's
+head?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Oh, I wonder if he'd be like our Chanticleer, all white
+with a beautiful red comb.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> Or perhaps he'd be like our Rooster, all black and
+speckly. I wonder if he'd crow all the same, as our cocks do in
+the morning under our windows.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim</span> [<i>laughing</i>]. Oh dear, how funny Chanticleer would look
+with a horse's body! or is it a cock's head and a horse's body?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim</span> [<i>laughing</i>]. You couldn't ride him so easily.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> I should think it's a great big cock and wings sticking
+out like that [<i>stretching his arms</i>], and with a beautiful horse's
+back and a long tail. Oh, I should like to ride him!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> So should I.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>They begin to talk sleepily.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> And what about the fine lady? What do you think
+Banbury Cross is like?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> Oh, there's the picture. Look, it's a great stone thing;
+and there's the fine lady all in white, with a crown on.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> I wish there was a picture of the cock-horse too.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim</span> [<i>more sleepily</i>]. I should like to ride on it&mdash;and&mdash;go to
+see the fine lady.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Yes, we'd go to Banbury Cross and&mdash;see&mdash;her.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Talking more and more sleepily. The book falls out of
+his hand on to the floor as they both go to sleep.</i></p>
+
+
+<h5>CURTAIN</h5>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h4>SCENE II.&mdash;THE DREAM</h4>
+
+<p><i>A market place. A ring of children dancing hand in hand round Banbury Cross,
+which stands in the middle, half way up stage. Children sing</i>:</p>
+
+<div class="cblockquot"><p>
+"Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross<br />
+To see a fine lady upon a white horse:<br />
+Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,<br />
+She shall have music wherever she goes."<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p><i>At the end of the tune they leave off dancing after singing it through.</i></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">First Child.</span> Oh, I'm <i>so</i> out of breath.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Second Child.</span> Let's rest a little.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Third Child.</span> Yes, till the Procession comes.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They all stand and sit at back.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Fourth Child.</span> Oh, look! there's someone coming.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jimmy</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Timmy</span>, <i>riding cock-horses</i> (<i>hobby
+horses with cocks' heads</i>). <i>They gallop round Cross.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> There, Rooster, we've just done it. You <i>are</i> a good
+one to go.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> So are you, Chanticleer.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">First Child.</span> Oh, are you the beginning of the procession,
+please?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> What procession?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Child.</span> The fine lady that is coming on a white horse&mdash;the
+Queen of the Revels.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> What are revels?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Child.</span> Games and dancing and all sorts of fun.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<img src="images/i006.jpg" width="800" height="417" alt="6. RIDE A COCK HORSE." title="6. RIDE A COCK HORSE." />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Oh, how nice!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Child.</span> Isn't it!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>The children jump for joy and clap their hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Tim</span>]. I <i>am</i> glad we came.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> So am I.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Children.</span> Hooray! Hooray! Here she comes.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looking off R. Enter the fine lady on her white horse</i>.
+<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Master of the Revels</span> <i>leads her</i>. <i>Two boys walk
+in front playing a tune on cazoos, etc. Escort of
+fairies, etc., if available. The Queen's horse stops at
+the foot of Banbury Cross</i>&mdash;<i>she hands a roll of paper
+to the</i> <span class="smcap">Master</span>, <i>who receives it with a bow</i>.</p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Crowd.</span> Hooray! Hooray!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master.</span> Here is the list of the Revels&mdash;the first will be a
+race.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Tim</span>]. That will be fun. I like seeing races.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master.</span> First race, Cock-horses&mdash;three times round Banbury
+Cross. How many entries?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim</span> [<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Tim</span>]. Do you suppose that's us?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> I don't see any others.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master</span> [<i>loud</i>]. Any entries?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> Cock-horse Chanticleer, ridden by Jim.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> Cock-horse Rooster, ridden by Tim.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master.</span> One, two, three, off!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They ride round and round, crowd cheer, etc. They
+come in a dead heat.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master.</span> A dead heat&mdash;no prize.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> No prize?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master.</span> No. Don't talk. Next revel, a dance.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>All dance</i>, <span class="smcap">Tim</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Jim</span> <i>and their steeds marking time</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Master.</span> Next revel, crowing competition.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>One after another they crow, very badly.</i>
+<span class="smcap">Chant.</span> <i>crows, everyone claps. Then</i>
+<span class="smcap">Rooster</span> <i>crows, they clap again.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Child.</span> That's not fair&mdash;he's a professional.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Another Child.</span> Never mind! Well done, Rooster.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>All clap.</i></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Scene must be changed as quickly as possible, the crowing
+going on uninterruptedly from the time the curtain
+falls until after it goes up again.</i></p></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h4>SCENE III</h4>
+
+<p><i>Same as Scene I.</i> <span class="smcap">Tim</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Jim</span> <i>in bed asleep&mdash;crowing going on outside</i>. <span class="smcap">Tim</span>
+<i>sits up and rubs his eyes</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> No, no, Rooster, leave off now. You've got the prize.
+[<i>He sits up and rubs his eyes.</i>] Jim, we must ride back now.
+[<i>Gradually more wide-awake.</i>] Why, that's Chanticleer crowing
+outside!</p>
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Jim</span> <i>also sits up</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> What's that crowing? Where am I?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tim.</span> I've been dreaming I was riding a cock-horse.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jim.</span> And I dreamt I saw the fine lady. Oh, I'm so sleepy.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They both fall back on pillow and go to sleep again.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Nurse</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> What, asleep still! Come, it's time to get up. And
+you've been taking a book to bed, you naughty boys, and
+reading it instead of going to sleep. That's why you're so tired
+this morning. What's it about? Why, what absurd stuff!</p>
+
+<div class="cblockquot"><p>
+Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,<br />
+To see a fine lady upon a white horse:<br />
+With rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes,<br />
+She shall have music&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+</p></div>
+
+
+<h5>CURTAIN <i>falls as she reads</i></h5>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="LITTLE_MISS_MUFFET" id="LITTLE_MISS_MUFFET"></a>LITTLE MISS MUFFET</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Nurse</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Muffet</span>, <i>reading at table</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet</span> [<i>reading her lesson</i>]. C, A, T, cat; M, A, T, mat.
+I've done my lessons very well to-day, haven't I?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Yes, Miss Muffet dear, you've been a very good
+little girl. Now, just read those two sentences and then we will
+go out.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet</span> [<i>reading</i>]. THE CAT IS ON THE MAT. THE
+BAT IS ON THE MAT. Oh, I don't like that story.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse</span> [<i>surprised</i>]. Why not?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> About the bat. It frightens me to read about a
+bat on the mat. I don't like bats.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Why, you silly little girl, they don't do you any harm.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> They make me afraid. I can't bear bats&mdash;they're
+nearly as bad as spiders.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> I never saw such a foolish little child. Spiders don't
+do you any harm, either.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Oh, they're worse than bats. You won't let one
+come near me, nursie, will you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse</span> [<i>smiling</i>]. Of course not, my poppet. Now, it's time
+to go out. Put your things on and we'll take the baby into the
+grounds.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Nurse</span> <i>ties on</i> <span class="smcap">Muffet's</span> <i>hat, and while she dresses her
+they talk</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Nursie, you know that you said if I were good at
+my lesson I could choose my luncheon?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> I did, yes.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> And <i>do</i> let me take it out with me to have outside.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Then you must have something that's easy to carry.
+What do you say to some nice bread and butter?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> No.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Then what about a nice ginger-nut?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> No.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Or a nice scone?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> No.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Or a nice Albert biscuit?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> No.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Then what <i>do</i> you want?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Something that begins with a K.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> With a K.? What can that be?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet</span> [<i>triumphantly</i>]. Curds and whey!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Oh, my dear child, what spelling! Curds begins
+with a C.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet</span> [<i>decidedly</i>]. No, nursie, I've done my spelling for
+to-day. You'll let me have it outside, won't you? Just for a
+treat.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> It won't be much of a treat if you spill it all on the
+path.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> No, I don't want to give the path a treat, do I?
+Oh, I'll be so careful, nursie, you'll see. <i>Do</i> let me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Very well then, just for once you may. But mind,
+you mustn't begin Curds with a K.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> I'll begin it with a spoon, dear nursie&mdash;that's best.
+I'll go and get it from the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> And I'll go and fetch the darling baby. Bless his
+pretty heart for a popsy wopsy toodelums.</p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h4>SCENE II</h4>
+
+<p><i>The grounds&mdash;a grassy hillock&mdash;some trees.</i> <i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Spider</span>, <i>prowling mysteriously</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Spider</span> <i>should have eight legs, made of thick wire, bent and covered with black</i>.
+<i>Two curving from his feet, two from his hands, two from his head (fastened on to a
+round frame), two from his shoulders.</i></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Spider.</span> Ha, none of those horrid two-legged creatures
+about, I am glad to say. I should be ashamed to have so few
+legs. Now, let me see. Where shall I start my spinning?
+[<i>Sits on tuffet and looks round.</i>] That bough, I think, would be
+best ... it's just the right kind of day&mdash;not too shiny, nor too
+damp. Just the sort of day for a fly not to see a web. [<i>Looks
+round.</i>] Perhaps I'd better look round and see if there's a better
+place. Dear me, now there's a bluebottle gone swaggering past.
+If I'd had the web ready he'd have blundered straight into it.
+Fat blue thing! These winged creatures <i>are</i> so stupid sometimes.
+Well, I mustn't lose any more time.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Goes out R.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Nurse</span>, <i>pushing pram in which the baby is supposed
+to be</i>; <span class="smcap">Muffet</span> <i>following, carrying a bowl very
+carefully and a spoon</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Now, Miss Muffet, you had better sit down and eat
+your curds and whey or you'll be splashing it down your frock.
+Suppose you sit on that tuffet and eat it while I walk the baby
+about.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Is that called a tuffet? What a nice name!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Yes, it's called a tuffet because that's where people
+sit to eat curds and whey.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Oh, I'll sit there then. [<i>Establishes herself carefully.</i>]
+Now I'll pretend I'm on a desert island, Nurse, and you go
+away.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse</span> [<i>smiling</i>]. Very well. I leave you to the savages.
+Good-bye.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet</span> [<i>calls after her</i>]. Nurse!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Well?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> You won't really go away, will you? You'll only
+pretend?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Of course.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> And they won't be real savages?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Certainly not.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> I always think it's so much nicer to pretend.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Nurse</span> <i>goes off R.</i> <span class="smcap">Muffet</span> <i>goes on eating her curds and
+whey</i>. <span class="smcap">Spider</span> <i>comes in L. with coil of string</i>.
+<span class="smcap">Spider</span>, <i>before seeing</i> <span class="smcap">Muffet</span>, <i>looks up at bough</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spider.</span> No, this is the best place, I'm sure.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Sees</i> <span class="smcap">Muffet</span>, <i>who has nearly eaten her curds</i>. <i>She
+looks up and sees him, and cries out.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Oh! Oh! Oh! Nurse! Nurse! Here's an
+enormous spider!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spider.</span> You are very rude&mdash;that's worse than being
+enormous.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet</span> [<i>looking frightened</i>]. I'm very sorry&mdash;I didn't mean
+to be rude.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spider</span> [<i>mollified</i>]. And I didn't mean to be enormous. But
+I was born so.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Nurse! Nurse!</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>She begins crying.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spider.</span> What's the matter, little Two-legs?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Sits down by her on the tuffet.</i> <span class="smcap">Miss Muffet</span> <i>puts down
+the curds and whey and rushes in to meet</i> <span class="smcap">Nurse</span>
+<i>coming in L. with baby</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> What is it, darling? What's the matter?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Oh, Nursie, it's a spider&mdash;the biggest you ever
+saw, and he came and sat down beside me and frightened me
+away.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse</span> [<i>seeing</i> <span class="smcap">Spider</span>]. Oh! he <i>is</i> a monster.</p>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spider.</span> Really, the manners of these two-legged persons!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> I'll soon chase it away. Shoo! Shoo! I'll stamp
+upon him if I get a chance. That will teach him to be a spider.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Spider</span> <i>gets down off the tuffet and runs rapidly round
+the tree</i>. <span class="smcap">Nurse</span> <i>pokes at it with her umbrella</i>. <i>Prolong
+chase</i> ad libitum. <i>Then</i> <span class="smcap">Spider</span> <i>hides behind tree,
+looking out at intervals</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> There now, he's gone.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> Oh dear, Nursie, I want to go home. I'm so
+frightened.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> Well, come along home then. [<i>Takes up bowl and
+pushes the pram.</i>] Poor little Miss Muffet!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Muffet.</span> I sat on a tuffet eating my curds and whey and
+there came that big spider ...</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Buries her face against her nurse.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nurse.</span> And sat down beside her and frightened Miss
+Muffet away! Well, never mind, darling, he's gone into his
+hole, and you will never see him again.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They go out L.</i> <span class="smcap">Spider</span> <i>puts his head round the tree</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spider.</span> Hole, indeed! [<i>Comes out.</i>] No hole for me, but a
+nice big web where I can see what is going on. Now, where
+shall I begin it? [<i>Looks round.</i>] Ah, there, I think! But I'll
+just have a dance first&mdash;it's a great thing having so many legs
+for these new dances. [<i>Dances round. At end of dance.</i>] And
+now to work!</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Throws rope over bough.</i></p>
+
+
+<h5>QUICK CURTAIN</h5>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<img src="images/i007.jpg" width="800" height="447" alt="7. LITTLE MISS MUFFET." title="7. LITTLE MISS MUFFET." />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 100%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="HUMPTY_DUMPTY" id="HUMPTY_DUMPTY"></a>HUMPTY DUMPTY</h2>
+
+
+<h4>CHARACTERS</h4>
+
+<p class="center">
+MRS. DUMPTY<br />
+KING'S MAN<br />
+MRS. PRINGLE<br />
+COLONEL<br />
+SOLDIERS <i>ad lib</i>.<br />
+HUMPTY DUMPTY<br />
+SERGEANT-MAJOR<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>SCENE</h4>
+
+<p><i>One side of a village street&mdash;a wall about two feet high up stage, parallel to the
+audience. This can be represented by anything that a child could stand on for a minute
+before jumping down. Behind it R.C. Mrs. Dumpty's house is seen&mdash;a little gate in
+the wall at back L.C. leading to house. There should be exits R., L., and C. at back
+through gate.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Dumpty</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Pringle</span> <i>standing at gate</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Well, good morning, Mrs. Dumpty, I must be
+running off now.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Very kind of you to have come in, Mrs. Pringle.
+I am sorry Humpty was out, I'd like you to have seen him.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Oh, I can do without seeing him every day, thank
+you. Is he as fat as ever?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> How you <i>do</i> go on about his being fat, Mrs. Pringle.
+You don't want me to starve the child, do you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> No, but there's a lot of difference between starving
+and over-feeding. I'm sure my Billy don't get the half of what
+you give Humpty, and just look at him!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Look at him, indeed! Humpty only gets the same
+as we get, and has done ever since he's been born. I suppose
+your Billy gets nothing but bread and milk.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> He didn't have pork chops when he was six months
+old, if that's what you mean, Mrs. Dumpty.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Well, I was never one to grudge a baby a bit of
+anything it cried for, and no one can say Humpty's not a fine
+boy now.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> He may be a fine boy, but he is a very naughty one.
+He makes more noise than all the rest of the boys put together.
+[<i>Noise heard outside.</i>] That sounds like him now.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> It's just his high spirits, Mrs. Pringle. I like a boy
+to have a bit of spirit.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>with a great noise</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Hallo, mother!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Don't you see Mrs. Pringle, dear?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Yes, I wish I didn't. I don't like Mrs. Pringle.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Oh, Humpty, I'm surprised at you.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> [<i>offended</i>]. I think I'd best be going, Mrs. Dumpty.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Look out that you don't miss the procession, Mrs.
+Pringle.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> What procession?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Haven't you heard? All the King's horses and all
+the King's men are coming along here on their way to the
+Coronation.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Well, that's very nice. I'll take you to the end of
+the road, and we'll look at them.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> But we needn't go to the end of the road&mdash;they
+pass right along here. I shall only have to get on the wall and
+I shall see beautifully.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> You're not to get on without me holding on to you.
+I'm not going to have you falling off and breaking all your
+bones.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> I don't believe he's got bones to break. He is made
+of nothing but fat and naughtiness.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty</span> [<i>boisterously</i>]. That's right, Mrs. Pringle. Stick up
+for me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> I'm not sticking up for you, you naughty boy&mdash;I'm
+only sorry for your poor mother having such a son. So unlike
+my Billy!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Oh, it's only his playful way, Mrs. Pringle. Run
+along and wash your face, Humpty, there's a good boy.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> I don't want to wash my face.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Well, I'm sure I don't know what the King will
+say if he sees you with a face like that.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> It's enough to make him abdicate.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> The King's not coming, you silly old things, it's
+his horses and men.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> You're a rude boy, and you're to go and wash your
+face at once.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Well, I don't mind, just for once&mdash;it's nearly a
+week since I last did, and it's Monday&mdash;that's the day my face
+goes to the wash.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Hadn't you best stop and see the procession with us,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>
+Mrs. Pringle? It would be a nice change for you instead of
+looking at your Billy all day&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> You're not very civil-spoken, Mrs. Dumpty, but
+I <i>do</i> like to see a procession when I can. But I'm hardly fit to
+be seen like this. I'd best slip home and put on my new shawl.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Well, if you do that, I'll just pop on my Sunday
+bonnet&mdash;it won't take a minute.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> <i>exit L.</i>, <span class="smcap">Mrs. D. C.</span> <i>at back. Exeunt. Enter</i>
+<span class="smcap">Humpty</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Hurrah&mdash;they've both gone&mdash;I'll get on the wall.
+[<i>Climbs up.</i>] I can see beautifully now. I expect the procession
+will soon be coming&mdash;&mdash;Yes, I can hear them. Oh, what fun!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Oh, you naughty boy, didn't I tell you not to get
+on the wall without me holding you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> I'm all right&mdash;I shall see them beautifully from
+here.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Don't jump about like that&mdash;you'll fall off for a
+certainty.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Oh, let me alone. Can't you hear them coming?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Take care, Humpty, take care. What did I say...!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>falls off&mdash;this must be done by jumping from
+the wall and rolling over</i>. <span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> <i>flies to pick him
+up</i>. <span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>groans</i>. <i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span></p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Here I am, Mrs. Dumpty. Why, what's that down
+there?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> It's Humpty. He's been and fallen off the wall,
+and I can't get him up again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Here, let me try. Give me your hand, Humpty.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> No, it's no use, he is so heavy, you see.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Didn't I tell you he was too fat? My Billy would
+be up in a minute.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Bother your Billy&mdash;if only someone would come
+and pick him up.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Music heard. Enter the King's horses and men.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Oh, sirs&mdash;oh, sirs&mdash;do, pray, stop a minute.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p>
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>They walk right across the stage before they stop, so their
+backs are to her&mdash;and then turn right round so that
+they face her.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King's Man.</span> Halt! About turn! Yes, ma'am?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Oh, sir, you look so beautiful&mdash;but I'm sorry to tell
+you that my son, while waiting to see you, has fallen off the
+wall&mdash;he's down there.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King's Man.</span> Yes, ma'am! I see him. Is that all, ma'am?
+Good morning. About turn!&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>They turn away again.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Oh, sirs! Oh, sirs! don't go away&mdash;I want you
+to pick him up again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King's Man.</span> Well, ma'am, we may be late for the Coronation,
+but anything to oblige. [<i>To soldiers.</i>] About turn! [<i>They
+turn back.</i>] First file, take hold of the boy's arms! Second
+file, catch hold of his legs! Now&mdash;all together, on to the wall&mdash;lift!
+[<i>They try to pick him up.</i>] I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't
+move him&mdash;he's rather stout, you see.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> What did I say! If only it was my Billy now.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>More music heard.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King's Man.</span> Here's another regiment coming&mdash;perhaps
+they can do it.</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Enter more soldiers.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King's Man.</span> If you please, Colonel&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> Halt! What is it, my man?</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King's Man.</span> There's a young feller there fallen off the
+wall&mdash;we can't get him up again, sir.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> What! All you King's horses and all you King's
+men can't do a simple thing like that! Preposterous!
+Ridiculous! [<i>He twirls his moustache and is very warlike.</i>]
+Sergeant-Major!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sergeant-Major.</span> Yes, Colonel!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> Fall out the regiment, and replace that boy on the
+wall.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sergeant-Major.</span> Right turn! Dismiss! Now then, all
+together.</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Both regiments dash at</i> <span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>and try to pick him up</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> H'm&mdash;it's not so easy as I thought. A charge of
+cavalry might do it. [<span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>starts</i>.] Or, upon my word, an
+explosion of dynamite would be better. Sergeant-Major!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>trembles</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sergeant-Major.</span> Yes, Colonel.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> Blow this boy off the ground with dynamite.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> [<i>hurriedly</i>]. Oh, thank you so much&mdash;I won't
+trouble you to do that.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> No trouble at all, madam, I assure you. It won't
+take a moment. Sergeant-Major!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Oh, how exciting!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Be quiet, Mrs. Pringle. <i>Pray</i> don't trouble,
+Colonel&mdash;I think he is very comfortable where he is, thank you.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 886px;">
+<img src="images/i008.jpg" width="886" height="480" alt="8. HUMPTY DUMPTY." title="8. HUMPTY DUMPTY." />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> Just as you wish, madam&mdash;but if we can't do
+anything for you I think we had better be moving on. Sergeant-Major!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sergeant-Major.</span> Yes, Colonel.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> Fall in the regiment.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sergeant-Major.</span> Regiment! Fall in!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>They fall in and stand at ease.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel.</span> Attention! Right turn. Quick march!</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<i>Exeunt.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> What a dreadful man!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Oh, did you think so? I thought him so pleasant.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Why, what's Humpty doing?</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>rolls over and faces the audience</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Phew! I felt rather anxious then&mdash;I thought I
+should have to get up&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> Get up! But can you get up, my poppet?</p>
+
+<p class="rght">[<span class="smcap">Humpty</span> <i>sits up</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Of course I can, if I like&mdash;only it was such fun
+having them all crowding round and pulling at me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Well, I never! It would have served you quite
+right if they had blown you up as they said.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. D.</span> How hard you are on the poor child, Mrs. Pringle.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> My Billy would never have done such a thing.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> Of course he wouldn't&mdash;he's much too stupid.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. P.</span> Stupid! Not he&mdash;he's got too much sense to go
+falling off a wall just when a procession was coming. I shall go
+home and tell him what you did.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Humpty.</span> And mind you tell him that all the King's horses
+and all the King's men couldn't pick Humpty Dumpty up
+again&mdash;till he chose!</p>
+<p class="rght">[<i>Gets up.</i></p>
+
+
+<h5>CURTAIN</h5>
+
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> For this brew plenty of blacking should be mixed with water; it should be
+shaken up the last thing to make sure that the blacking has not sunk to the bottom.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by 
+Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by
+Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cat and Fiddle Book
+       Eight Dramatised Nursery Rhymes for Nursery Performers
+
+Author: Lady Florence Bell
+        Mrs. Herbert Richmond
+
+Release Date: December 27, 2010 [EBook #34763]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+_The CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK_
+
+
+
+
+  Other Books of Plays for Children
+  by LADY BELL
+
+  _Petit Theatre des Enfants_      Twelfth Impression
+  _Nursery Comedies_               Eighth      "
+  _Theatre de la Jeunesse_         Twelfth     "
+  _Fairy-Tale Plays_               Fifth       "
+  _The Mother Hubbard Book_
+
+
+
+
+  _The_
+  CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK
+
+  _Eight dramatised Nursery Rhymes for Nursery Performers_
+
+  _by_
+  LADY BELL
+  _and_
+  MRS. HERBERT RICHMOND
+
+
+  LONGMANS, GREEN AND CO.
+  39 PATERNOSTER ROW, LONDON, E.C.4
+  NEW YORK, TORONTO
+  BOMBAY, CALCUTTA AND MADRAS
+  1922
+  _Printed in Great Britain_
+
+
+
+
+  _To_
+  _MY TEN GRANDCHILDREN_
+
+
+  Eight of whom
+
+    PAULINE, GEORGE, KITTY, MARY, BRIDGET,
+    VALENTINE, MARJORIE, AND FLORENCE
+
+  have "created" many of the parts in these playlets, and two of whom,
+  BILL and GEOFFREY, are still among the audience.
+
+                                                                F.B.
+                                                              May 1922
+
+
+  _Made in Great Britain_
+
+
+
+
+_The TABLE OF CONTENTS_
+
+
+  BY LADY BELL
+
+  The Cat and the Fiddle           _p._  9
+  Lucy Locket                      _p._ 13
+  Polly Put the Kettle On          _p._ 17
+  Goosey-Gander                    _p._ 21
+  Oranges and Lemons               _p._ 27
+  Ride-a-Cock-horse                _p._ 32
+
+
+  BY MRS. HERBERT RICHMOND
+
+  Little Miss Muffet               _p._ 37
+  Humpty Dumpty                    _p._ 42
+
+
+[P] The Characters in list at the beginning of each play are always given
+in the order of their appearance.
+
+
+
+
+_SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR THE "PRODUCERS" OF THESE PLAYLETS_
+
+
+In every case the tune of the nursery rhyme, the dramatized version of
+which is about to be acted, should be played through twice on the piano
+before the curtain is raised: the first time without singing; the second
+time the audience, of which the majority presumably will be children,
+should be asked to join in and sing it too, led by the performers
+singing it behind the scenes. At the close of the piece, when the
+curtain has fallen at the place indicated in the text it should (if
+justified by applause) be raised again, discovering the performers
+standing in a row. These should sing the rhyme through again to the
+piano accompaniment, the audience joining in as before, after which the
+curtain is finally lowered.
+
+The scenery can in nearly every case be arranged by using folding
+screens. In one or two pieces, such as _Goosey-Goosey-Gander_ and
+_Ride-a-Cock-horse_, it would be improved by being a little more
+elaborate. But even in these, if there is no artist in the family who
+can paint a Banbury Cross or a farmyard in the background, a large label
+can be hung up to show in what kind of surroundings the action is taking
+place. As to costume, the period of none of the plays, fortunately, is
+precisely known, and the performers therefore can be dressed up as they
+choose. Where animals' heads are required, such as the COW, DOG, and CAT
+in the _Cat and the Fiddle_, the GOOSE and DRAKE in _Goosey-Gander_, and
+the COCK in _Ride-a-Cock-horse_, these will not be found very difficult
+to make out of cardboard, not too stiff, bent to the shape required and
+roughly painted.
+
+In one or two of the plays there are speaking parts which can be taken
+by quite little children, such as the DISH and SPOON in the _Cat and the
+Fiddle_, the latter especially being within the grasp of the smallest
+performer able to speak distinctly enough for the words to be
+recognisable. The part of POLLY in _Polly Put the Kettle On_ can be
+played by any intelligent child of five. In _Oranges and Lemons_,
+_Humpty Dumpty_, and _Ride-a-Cock-horse_ there are possibilities of a
+crowd in which any number of children available can "come on" and so
+take a share in the performance.
+
+The writer ventures to suggest that the preface of a book entitled
+_Fairy-Tale Plays_ (Longman) contains detailed directions which may be
+found helpful for rehearsing with children. The great thing for the
+"Producers" to remember is not to cast a gloom over the proceedings by
+being depressed or losing their tempers when the performers still don't
+know their parts on the day of the performance, when their "business" at
+that performance is exactly opposite to that inculcated at rehearsals,
+and when they invent on "the night" an entirely new series of mistakes.
+It does not matter if they do. The audience, which will probably largely
+consist of the relations of the performers, will be just as pleased
+whatever happens, and so will every child-lover who is looking on. So
+will the actors, whose enjoyment is assured if they are acting and
+dressing up. And the spectator who does not like seeing their enjoyment
+does not deserve to have any himself, so we need not take him into
+account.
+
+Neither the writer nor the producers of these absurd little plays,
+therefore, need have much fear of failure. They are spared the acute
+preliminary--and subsequent--agonies of those who produce plays of a
+larger size and a better quality than those contained in this little
+book.
+
+  _May 1922._                                          FLORENCE BELL
+
+
+
+
+THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_A room in Mrs. MOOCOWS Boarding House. A chair R.C., a settee, or
+another chair, up stage R. At back L.C. two ordinary folding screens
+about 2ft. 6in. apart, a curtain hung across the space between them.
+A picture of a full moon painted on a large piece of cardboard must be
+propped up behind the opening between the screens, so that when the
+curtain is drawn back the moon is seen on the horizon_, i.e. _its lower
+edge on the level of the ground._
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+_In order of their appearance_
+
+  THE COW
+  THE DOG
+  THE CAT
+  THE DISH
+  THE SPOON
+
+
+COW. Dog!
+
+DOG. Yes?
+
+COW. Do you like the cat?
+
+DOG. No, I don't. Do you?
+
+COW. Of course not.
+
+DOG. Why _did_ you have her to lodge with you?
+
+COW. I really don't know. I thought it would be nice to have someone who
+was fond of music.
+
+DOG. _I'm_ fond of it, but not of the cat's music.
+
+COW. No, her music is a disappointment.
+
+DOG. I don't care about that great lumpy fiddle of hers, either.
+
+COW. And she _will_ accompany herself on it when she mews.
+
+DOG. And then, she's so vain.
+
+COW. Yes! She told me she could jump better than I could.
+
+DOG. Oh, how absurd.
+
+COW. She says I can't climb a tree.
+
+DOG. And can you?
+
+COW. I've never tried it--I don't want to. She says _you_ can't climb a
+tree.
+
+DOG. Well, what then? I can stand at the bottom of it and bark. Can she
+do that?
+
+COW. Of course not. And I told her that if I liked I could jump over the
+moon.
+
+DOG [_rather incredulous_]. Could you, Cow? Could you?
+
+COW. If it were near the ground.
+
+DOG. But is it ever near the ground?
+
+COW. Certainly, when it is quite low down and looks all big and red.
+
+DOG. Oh yes, to be sure.
+
+COW. And then, the cat gives such a lot of trouble. She must have her
+dinner on a dish every day, all mixed up with a spoon.
+
+DOG. Such a fuss! Why can't she just have a bone on the drawing-room
+carpet--nothing nicer than that.
+
+COW. Or some grass in the field--so simple? The Dish and the Spoon don't
+like having to come down from the dresser so often. They like being
+quiet. [_Mewing heard._] Not much chance of being quiet with a cat who
+practises all day.
+
+    [_Enter CAT L., mewing. She is carrying a 'cello or a
+    violin, preferably the former. She sits down on chair R.C. and
+    pretends to tune her instrument, mewing the note and turning the
+    pegs. If a grown-up who can play the tune on one of these
+    instruments is not available for the part of the cat, the child
+    who acts it can be taught, while mewing the tune through after
+    tuning, to draw the bow across the open D string and A string on
+    first beat, provided the instrument is not too precious for such
+    handling._
+
+COW. May I ask, Cat----
+
+CAT. Don't interrupt, please, when I'm practising. I'm going to mew at a
+concert to-night.                                            [_Goes on._
+
+    [_The COW and the DOG join in, mooing and barking._
+
+CAT [_at end of tune_]. What are you doing?
+
+COW. We're joining in the chorus.
+
+CAT. There isn't a chorus to that song.
+
+DOG. There was that time.
+
+CAT. Well, don't let it happen again. I shan't practise any more for the
+present.
+
+DOG. That's a comfort.
+
+CAT. I want my dinner.
+
+COW [_calls off_]. Dish! Spoon! Bring the Cat's dinner.
+
+    _Enter DISH and SPOON R._
+
+DISH and SPOON. If you please, we wish to give notice.
+
+COW. Notice! Why?
+
+DISH. There is too much to do here. We don't like having to bring in so
+many meals for the Cat.
+
+SPOON. No, we don't.
+
+CAT. What impertinence!
+
+DOG. Well, then, I'll give notice too as a lodger. I don't like living
+under the same roof as the Cat.
+
+COW. Do you hear. Cat? You are breaking up my establishment. I must ask
+you to leave this day week.
+
+CAT. Certainly not. I've got my rooms by the year, remember.
+
+DOG. Oh dear. Bow, wow, wow.
+
+CAT. May I ask why you don't like me?
+
+DOG. I don't like your ways. You wag your tail when you're angry instead
+of wagging it when you're pleased.
+
+CAT. It _is_ a silly doggish plan to wag it when you're pleased. How can
+people know what you mean?
+
+COW. And you're so vain.
+
+CAT. What about you? You said you could jump over the moon.
+
+COW. I said I could if I liked. But I don't like.
+
+CAT. I'll bet you can't jump over the moon, whether you like it or not.
+
+COW. I never bet.
+
+CAT. Then we won't bet for money. But I'll bet you you can't jump over
+the moon, and if you can, then I'll have lost my bet, and I'll go away
+as you ask; but if you can't, then I'll stay here as long as I please.
+
+DOG [_who has slyly pulled aside the curtain--aside to_ COW]. Say yes,
+the moon's quite low.
+
+COW [_to_ CAT]. All right, I'll take your bet.
+
+DOG. And I'll be umpire.
+
+CAT. Fair play, mind.
+
+DOG. Dogs are always honest, they are not like cats.
+
+CAT. And cats are always polite. They are not like dogs.
+
+DOG. Now listen, Cat. If the Cow jumps so high that we can see the moon
+beneath her, that shall be counted jumping over the moon.
+
+CAT. All right, then, draw the curtain so that we can see the moon.
+
+    [_DISH draws the curtain--moon seen on the horizon._
+
+DOG. Now then. One, two, three.
+
+    [_COW jumps. Moon seen under her as she jumps._
+
+DOG. Ha, ha, ha! It makes me laugh to see such sport. Cow, you have won.
+We saw the moon under you as you jumped.
+
+DISH and SPOON. Yes, we did!
+
+DOG [_to_ CAT]. You have lost your bet.
+
+CAT. I'm very glad to go away from you all. I don't like those
+lumpy-jumpy ways.
+
+ALL. We're glad too, so we're all satisfied!
+
+    [_Exit CAT, mewing and fiddling._
+
+DISH. Come along, Spoon. I'll run away with you into the fields.
+
+COW. Oh, what fun! we'll all elope together. Come on, Dog!
+
+    [_They all dance round, and finally out. Length of dance ad
+    lib., but they must go round twice at least. As they go from one
+    side of the stage to the other, CAT comes in, in the contrary
+    direction, meeting them. She carries her 'cello and stick in
+    one hand, and in the other a small suit case. She tosses her
+    head scornfully at the others and marches out._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 1. THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE.
+
+Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jump'd over the moon
+the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish ran away with the
+spoon.]
+
+
+
+
+LUCY LOCKET
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. LOCKET
+  LUCY, her daughter
+  KITTY FISHER, her niece
+
+Produced at St. Mary's Hospital, Paddington, during the Christmas season
+of 1921, with the following cast:
+
+  _Mrs. Locket_: SYBIL THORNDIKE
+  _Lucy Locket_: MARY CASSON
+  _Kitty Fisher_: ANN CASSON
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_MRS. LOCKET'S Drawing Room. Small table L. with workbox, etc., on it.
+R.C. armchair L. of table. L.C. higher chair. MRS. LOCKET on armchair,
+sewing; LUCY on higher chair, swinging her legs._
+
+
+MRS. L. Oh dear, I never thought I should have such a careless child.
+
+LUCY. Why didn't you think so, mother?
+
+MRS. L. Because I was so very tidy myself when I was a little girl--just
+like your Cousin Kitty. Oh, why are you not like her!
+
+LUCY. I do think Kitty is so boring.
+
+MRS. L. My dear child! How wrong to say such a thing of your cousin.
+
+LUCY. But, mother, you always say I'm to tell the truth. So as she is
+boring, I must say so.
+
+MRS. L. It's wrong to be bored by people who are good. Kitty is so tidy,
+so careful about everything: so unlike you. You're so heedless I can't
+even send you to the village shop for me.
+
+LUCY. Oh, mother do let me go to the shop for you. I'm sure I could.
+
+MRS. L. I do want two pennorth of pepper, but I can't trust you to get
+it. I'm sure you would lose the pennies.
+
+LUCY. No, no. I would hold them tightly in my hand. You see, I haven't a
+pocket in this frock. That's one reason why I lose things.
+
+MRS. L. That is true, and I have made you a nice little pocket to tie
+on, in hopes it will make you more careful.
+
+LUCY. Oh, mother, what a darling pocket, and what a pretty binding!
+
+MRS. L. Yes, I've just sewn it on.   [_LUCY ties it on round her waist._
+
+LUCY. Do give me the two pennies, and I'll put them into the pocket.
+
+MRS. L. Take care that bow doesn't slip. You've tied it very loosely.
+Oh, here is your cousin Kitty.
+
+    _Enter KITTY_
+
+KITTY. Good morning, Aunt Jane.
+
+MRS. L. Good morning, my child, and how is my good little girl this
+morning?
+
+KITTY. Very well, thank you, aunt, and I feel very happy, too.
+
+LUCY. So do I.                         [_Looking proudly at her pocket._
+
+KITTY. Ah, but not for the same reason, I fear. I feel happy because I
+am so very good. I'm so tidy and careful, and I never forget anything.
+
+LUCY. How dull that must be!
+
+MRS. L. Oh, my dear Lucy. Don't say that! Ask Kitty to tell you how she
+does it, while I go and write my letters.                   [_Goes out._
+
+LUCY. No, don't tell me anything about it, Kitty. Look at my new pocket.
+
+KITTY. I hope you won't lose it. I never lose anything.
+
+LUCY. Oh, then, you do miss a lot of excitement! When I'm going out I
+have to rush about looking for my things, and it is so thrilling when I
+see my shoe far back under the bed, or my handkerchief in the
+coal-scuttle.
+
+KITTY. Oh, Lucy, how much better it would be if your shoes were tidily
+side by side! You shock me. I always put my things where they ought to
+be, and then I find them again at once.
+
+LUCY. Well, I wish you wouldn't, then, and put it into my mother's head.
+She's always wanting me to do the same.
+
+KITTY. You must try, Lucy. Try as hard as you can, and perhaps some day
+you will grow up like me.
+
+LUCY. I hope I shan't.                           [_Makes a face at her._
+
+KITTY. Oh, how distressing! I never make a face.
+
+LUCY. Now I'm going out to shop for mother.
+
+    [_Jumps round room and goes out._
+
+KITTY [_looking after her_]. Oh, poor girl, how I pity her! What is that
+I see on the ground over there? [_Goes out and brings in LUCY'S
+pocket._] Why, I believe this is Lucy's pocket! Dear, dear, how
+careless of her! What a good thing I was there ready to pick it up.
+[_Feels in bag._] Nothing in it. Ha! there's something. No, it's only
+the binding round it. Dear, dear, she has lost the money too! I must go
+and find my aunt and take it to her.
+
+    [_Enter MRS. L., KITTY ostentatiously holding bag so that MRS. L.
+    may see it._
+
+MRS. L. What's that you have, Kitty?
+
+KITTY [_holding it up_]. It's Lucy's pocket.
+
+MRS. L. What! Lucy's pocket, that I made her this morning? What are you
+doing with it, Kitty?
+
+KITTY. I'm sorry to say, Aunt Jane, that Lucy dropped it, and as I
+happened to be looking round me to see if I could be useful in any way I
+saw it and picked it up.
+
+MRS. L. And what about the pence that were in it?
+
+KITTY. They are not there. I'm very sorry, as I know people ought to be
+so careful of money. I always am.
+
+    [_Loud boo-hooing heard outside. Enter LUCY._
+
+LUCY. I've lost my pocket! I've lost my pocket!
+
+MRS. L. Oh, you careless girl! you may well cry. Luckily for you, Kitty
+Fisher found it.
+
+LUCY. Oh, Kitty, did you? Oh, I am so glad. Give it to me quickly!
+
+KITTY [_holding it back_]. Don't you think, Aunt Jane, I had better have
+it? I am so careful of my things.
+
+LUCY [_angry_]. No, you shan't. You shan't have my nice pocket.
+
+    [_Goes to her and drags it away. They fight._
+
+MRS. L. You are not to fight. That is very wrong.
+
+KITTY. Very wrong. I forgot myself, I am afraid.
+
+MRS. L. Where are the pence you had in the pocket, Lucy?
+
+    [_LUCY boo-hoos again._
+
+LUCY. Oh, mother, it must have come untied when I jumped about. I'm so
+dreadfully sorry. I shall never be happy again.
+
+KITTY. No, of course you can't feel happy as I do.
+
+LUCY. Mother, do let me try once more; I really will be good.
+
+MRS. L. Are you sure, Lucy? Will you really try?
+
+LUCY. Yes, yes, I promise. I'll be like a little girl in a book, who
+changes all of a sudden, and never does it again.
+
+MRS. L. Very well, then, I'll trust you with it once more.
+
+KITTY. I'm a little surprised at you, aunt.
+
+LUCY. And you'll never tell me I'm to be as good as Kitty?
+
+MRS. L. No, because you will be just as good without my telling you.
+
+KITTY. Good-bye then, aunt, I don't care to stay here if I'm of no use
+in setting an example to Lucy.
+
+LUCY. I can do without your example, thank you.
+
+KITTY. We shall see. But next time Lucy Locket loses her pocket Kitty
+Fisher will not find it.
+
+    [_They all sing "Lucy Locket," the curtain coming down on the
+    last line._
+
+
+[Illustration: 2. LUCY LOCKET.
+
+Lucy Locket lost her pocket Kitty Fisher found it. Ne'er a penny was
+there in it save the binding round it.]
+
+
+
+
+POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. SMILER
+  MRS. BROWN
+  MRS. JENNINGS
+  POLLY
+  MRS. CRABSTICK
+  SUKEY
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_MRS. SMILER'S Cottage. A table C. half way up stage, four chairs round
+it arranged almost in a semi-circle, so that there is no one with back
+to audience. R. a stove on which to put kettle, etc. Dresser or table at
+back with cups and saucers, etc., on it._
+
+
+MRS. S. Polly! Polly!
+
+POLLY [_outside_]. Yes, ma'am.        [_Enter POLLY. She is very small._
+
+MRS. S. Now, Polly, this afternoon you must be my little maid.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Do you think I can trust you?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. You see, Sukey hasn't come in yet, and some people are coming to
+tea, so you must put the kettle on to boil, and make the tea when they
+come.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Do you think you can?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Do you know how to make the tea?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. How do you make it?
+
+POLLY. With water, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Anything else?
+
+POLLY. No, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Oh, Polly! you are hopeless.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. What do you make the tea with, stupid?
+
+POLLY. The kettle, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. And what else?
+
+POLLY. The teapot, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. And what inside the teapot?
+
+POLLY [_thinks a minute, then triumphantly_]. Water, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Anything else?
+
+POLLY. Tea, ma'am!
+
+MRS. S. Of course. Now mind you don't forget, and have everything ready,
+as the party will be here in a minute: and I'll go and put on my best
+cap.                                                            [_Exit._
+
+POLLY [_stands for a minute with the kettle in her hands, trying to
+remember_]. Let me see ... Oh yes, the tea.
+
+    [_She puts many spoonfuls of tea into the kettle, and then water,
+    shakes the kettle to see if there's water in it, pours some water
+    into the teapot; then, as she is standing with the kettle in her
+    hand, MRS. S. comes in quickly with a gorgeous cap on._
+
+MRS. S. I see them coming across the green! Quick, Polly, put the kettle
+on, we'll all have tea. [_A knock at the door. MRS. S. goes and opens
+it._] Good afternoon, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Jennings, Mrs. Crabstick!
+
+MRS. J. [_brightly_]. Good afternoon to you, I'm sure.
+
+MRS. B. [_composed_]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.
+
+MRS. C. [_coldly_]. Afternoon.
+
+MRS. J. [_brightly_]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler, and hoping you keep
+well.
+
+MRS. S. Yes, thank you. I have my worries, of course, like the rest of
+us.
+
+MRS. C. [_grimly_]. We all have. It's a weary world.
+
+MRS. J. Oh, Mrs. Crabstick, cheer up, just when we've come to such a
+nice tea-party.
+
+MRS. C. I depend on my tea.
+
+MRS. B. Oh, of course; so do I.
+
+MRS. J. We all do.
+
+MRS. S. Well, I hope you'll get it as you like it to-day.
+
+MRS. C. One doesn't get what one's used to out of their own house, but
+if you come out to tea one must make the best of it.
+
+MRS. J. [_to_ MRS. S.]. And your little maid, Sukey, makes such good
+tea.
+
+MRS. S. Yes, she does, but to-day she's out. I'm afraid she must have
+had a tumble off her bicycle.
+
+MRS. C. Bicycle indeed! In my young days feet were good enough.
+
+MRS. J. [_laughing_]. Quite true, Mrs. Crabstick. If we had been meant
+to go on bicycles we should be born with wheels instead of legs.
+
+MRS. B. Ah, it's a weary world.
+
+MRS. S. Oh dear me, Mrs. Crabstick, don't be so gloomy. I've got another
+little maid to take Sukey's place this afternoon. You'll get your tea
+all the same. The kettle's boiling now. Polly, is everything ready?
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+    [_She brings in the teapot, the guests sit round the table, MRS.
+    S. at the head of it. Kettle on fire._
+
+MRS. S. Now, I'll help you first, Mrs. Crabstick. I know
+you depend so much on your tea.
+
+    [_Pours out: water only comes out of the pot._
+
+MRS. S. Oh!
+
+MRS. J. There's only water in the teapot.
+
+MRS. B. There's no tea in it.
+
+MRS. S. Oh dear, what can have happened? Polly!
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. There's no tea in the teapot.
+
+POLLY. No, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. But I told you to put in some tea, and I gave you the tea-caddy.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Then what did you do with the tea?
+
+POLLY. Put it into the kettle, ma'am.
+
+MRS. S. Into the kettle! Give me the kettle at once.
+
+POLLY. Yes, ma'am.
+
+    [_MRS. S. pours out; an inky fluid comes out of the spout.[A]_
+
+  [A] For this brew plenty of blacking should be mixed with water;
+      it should be shaken up the last thing to make sure that the
+      blacking has not sunk to the bottom.
+
+MRS. S. Oh! what a way of making tea!
+
+MRS. C. You'll excuse me if I go away, Mrs. Smiler. I'm so afraid of
+being taken worse if I stay here after what has happened.
+
+THE OTHERS. And we really feel we had better do the same. Good
+afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.
+
+    [_They all get up and go towards the door. The door is thrown
+    violently open and SUKEY rushes in._
+
+MRS. S. Oh, Sukey! There you are at last.
+
+ALL THE GUESTS [_looking at her_]. At last!
+
+SUKEY. I'm so sorry, ma'am; I fell off my bicycle, and it's broken.
+
+MRS. C. [_solemnly_]. What did I say!
+
+SUKEY. I did so want to be here to make the tea.
+
+MRS. S. You had better have been. Look!
+
+    [_Pours out of the kettle some of the black liquid._
+
+SUKEY. Oh dear! I'll get another. [_Opens cupboard, gets out another
+kettle._] I'll soon make it boil.
+
+    [_Puts water into kettle and puts it on the fire._
+
+MRS. B. I don't think we'll wait for any more tea-makings, thank you.
+Good afternoon.
+
+ALL. Good afternoon.                                 [_They all go out._
+
+MRS. S. Oh dear! Oh dear! My tea-party has not been a success. Sukey,
+take it off again, they've all gone away.
+
+    [_MRS. S., SUKEY, and POLLY all sing together_, "Sukey, take it
+    off again, they've all gone away!"
+
+
+QUICK CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 3. POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON.
+
+Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle
+on, we'll all have tea. Sukey take it off again, Sukey take it off
+again, Sukey take it off again, they've all gone away.]
+
+
+
+
+GOOSEY-GANDER
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  THE GANDER
+  THE DRAKE
+  THE BAILIFF
+  FARMER GILES
+  THE COUNTESS
+  MELISSA
+
+The GANDER and the DRAKE have a language of their own which they are
+supposed to use when speaking to one another, but the parts are here
+written in ordinary language to be understood by the audience. They
+understand what the human beings say, but cannot join in conversation
+with them.
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+_A road, paling at back, parallel to front of stage, with gate supposed
+to be leading into farmyard. Enter GANDER R. Walks rapidly to the centre
+of the stage, then suddenly stops as if bewildered, looks on ground in
+every direction._
+
+
+GANDER. Why, it's gone!                                [_Enter DRAKE L._
+
+DRAKE. Good morning, Gander.
+
+GANDER. Good morning's all very well, but where is it?
+
+DRAKE. What? Where? Which?
+
+GANDER. Really, Drake, you're the stupidest bird. You're nearly as
+stupid as my wife, and I never saw such a goose as she is. Don't you see
+what I'm looking for? Don't you see what's gone?
+
+DRAKE. Oh, you don't mean--what! the puddle! Gone!
+
+GANDER. Of course. Only yesterday morning there was a nice large hole
+just in the middle of the road, and a large puddle in it.
+
+DRAKE. So there was. So convenient and delightful.
+
+GANDER. Yes, you were always sure of finding a puddle there, however dry
+the rest of the road was.
+
+DRAKE. But where has it gone to? Who can have taken it?
+
+GANDER. Oh, I know quite well--it's that bailiff, of course. And I know
+why he did it, too. It was just to spite me, as he knew that was my
+favourite walk.
+
+DRAKE. I've thought for a long time he had a grudge against you.
+
+GANDER. Yes, ever since the day that I flapped two of his horrid little
+children into the pond.
+
+DRAKE. Serve them right. It will teach them to come rushing about the
+farmyard as if it belonged to them.
+
+GANDER. And they're so rude, too. Just imagine, the other day one of
+them said to me, "Hallo, goosey-poosey"! I ask you, _is_ that the way to
+speak to a gander?
+
+DRAKE. Monstrous!
+
+GANDER. I sometimes feel inclined to go up to the castle and complain to
+the Countess.
+
+DRAKE. Well, why don't you? It's not far across the fields.
+
+GANDER. Oh yes, I know the way to the castle gates, but when I got
+inside it I should be wandering upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's
+chamber, and not know where I was. But still, something must be done
+about that bailiff.
+
+DRAKE. And the way he comes prancing along on his dapple-grey pony, as
+if no one could ride a spirited animal but himself!
+
+GANDER. Look, here he comes!
+
+    [_The BAILIFF rides in on hobby horse and curvets and prances
+    round on stage, and rides into middle where GANDER and DRAKE are
+    standing._
+
+BAILIFF. Now then, you birds! Get out of the way, can't you?
+
+    [_He hits at them with his stick. The GANDER and DRAKE flap
+    their wings, hiss and quack, and scurry out of the way. BAILIFF
+    hitches his horse to the gate by the bridle and walks into the
+    middle of the road, bends down, and looks at where the hole had
+    been._
+
+GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. There now, you see. I told you he did it.
+
+    [_FARMER GILES comes slowly out and leans over gate at back C._
+
+BAILIFF [_still in road_]. Morning, Farmer Giles.
+
+FARMER GILES [_pipe in mouth, nods sideways_]. Morning.
+
+BAILIFF. I came to have a look at the road. I'm glad to see that the
+hole's quite gone.
+
+GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Listen to him, glorying in it!
+
+FARMER GILES. Oh ay, they had a grand mending of it. They filled it and
+rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it, and they filled it and
+they rolled it, and then, they filled it and they rolled it again.
+
+BAILIFF. And they've made a good job of it, too.
+
+GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Let's show him we don't like it.
+
+    [_They stand in the middle of the road and flap and hiss and quack._
+
+BAILIFF. Those birds are intolerable.
+
+FARMER GILES [_smiling_]. I expect they're looking for their puddle,
+poor things. They was always splashing about in it.
+
+BAILIFF. Then they'll have to do without it, that's all. [_GANDER comes
+up near him and flaps at him. BAILIFF unties hobby horse._] That's a
+vicious gander of yours, Farmer Giles. He nearly drowned my children the
+other day. It really isn't safe.
+
+FARMER GILES. Ah, the little uns was teasing of him, I daresay. It'll do
+them no harm to be learned how to behave in the farmyard.
+
+BAILIFF [_mounting his horse_]. Well, he had better not do it again.
+
+    [_Shakes his stick at GANDER. GANDER rushes at him. They fight.
+    DRAKE and GANDER peck and flap. BAILIFF beats them with his
+    stick. GANDER gets hold of his coat with his beak. BAILIFF beats
+    him off. FARMER GILES looks on, smoking and smiling._
+
+BAILIFF. My best coat! Look! this is intolerable. I shall go straight to
+the castle and complain to her ladyship.               [_Gallops off R._
+
+FARMER GILES [_to_ GANDER]. Look here, old boy, you must behave
+yourself, mind, or you'll get into trouble.
+
+    [_Goes back through gate and off L._
+
+GANDER. Quick, we must follow that old wretch to the castle and hear
+what he's saying. Come on, Drakey. How fast can you waddle?
+
+DRAKE. Oh, a good pace. I can do a mile an hour easy.
+
+GANDER. Capital. Come along then.                  [_They waddle out R._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+_The COUNTESS'S Boudoir. A table R. slanting to the audience with
+ornamental mirror standing on it. A door at back, L.C. Door in R.H.
+corner, back labelled_ "Secret staircase to dungeon." _The COUNTESS
+sitting at the table looking at herself in the mirror. MELISSA, her
+maid, standing, with a hat in her hand trimmed with flowers._
+
+
+COUNTESS. Now, Melissa, give me my garden hat, please. I feel inclined
+to go down to the farm.
+
+MELISSA [_bringing the hat_]. Your ladyship is so fond of the farm.
+
+COUNTESS. Indeed I am, and of the live stock there. I should like to
+direct it all myself, but I don't think the bailiff would like it. He is
+rather tiresome sometimes.
+
+MELISSA. Still, my lady, he is a most honest man, and his accounts, as
+your ladyship always says, are a marvel.
+
+COUNTESS. Oh yes, in many ways he is excellent, I know, and yet he is
+not popular with the poultry--no doubt of that.
+
+MELISSA. That is true. He doesn't seem to get on with the gander.
+
+COUNTESS. Such a pity. I like the gander myself--he is always very civil
+to me.
+
+MELISSA [_laughing_]. Really, my lady, he seems such a sensible bird,
+sometimes you would really think he understood what you say.
+
+    [_They both laugh. A knock at the door._
+
+COUNTESS. Melissa!                                    [_Points to door._
+
+    [_MELISSA opens the door. The BAILIFF is seen._
+
+BAILIFF. May I enter, madam?
+
+MELISSA. Come in, Master Bailiff.
+
+    _Enter BAILIFF._
+
+COUNTESS. Good day, Master Bailiff.
+
+BAILIFF [_agitated_]. I hope I do not intrude on your ladyship, but I
+come on a pressing matter----
+
+COUNTESS. What is it?
+
+BAILIFF. My coat, madam.
+
+COUNTESS. WHAT!
+
+BAILIFF. I beg your ladyship to look at it--there is a large tear in it.
+
+COUNTESS. A somewhat unseemly sight--I should have thought you would
+have begged me not to look at it.
+
+BAILIFF. But it is your gander, my lady.
+
+COUNTESS. What is my gander?
+
+BAILIFF. My coat.
+
+COUNTESS. Your coat is my gander, Bailiff? You are talking wildly.
+
+BAILIFF. It is no wonder, madam. It was the Gander did it. [_Showing
+tear on coat._] I have been attacked by that vicious bird----
+
+COUNTESS. And wounded in the coat tails!
+
+    [_COUNTESS and MELISSA laugh._
+
+BAILIFF. It does not seem a laughing matter to me, your ladyship.
+Something must be done.
+
+COUNTESS. With a needle and thread. There, I quite agree with you.
+
+BAILIFF. No, madam--with a big stick. Something must be done to make the
+Gander behave better.
+
+COUNTESS. I am sorry you don't like the Gander, Bailiff. I always find
+him very pleasant.
+
+BAILIFF. I regret that your ladyship is inclined to make such a
+companion of him. He really seems to consider he is on an equality with
+your ladyship.
+
+COUNTESS. On an equality with me! You are impertinent, sir. No one is on
+an equality with me in this castle. But I have a warm regard for the
+Gander, and I consider that you have insulted us both by your
+complaints. [_A noise at the door._] Melissa!
+
+    [_MELISSA hastens to open the door. The GANDER and DRAKE are
+    seen in the doorway. They both bow._
+
+MELISSA. Oh!
+
+COUNTESS. Come in, both of you.
+
+BAILIFF. What, even here! Miserable birds, how dare you!
+
+    [_GANDER and DRAKE hiss and squawk._
+
+COUNTESS. You forget yourself, Bailiff. This is not your house. I beg
+that you will apologise at once for your rudeness to us all. Down on
+your knees at once and pray for forgiveness.
+
+BAILIFF. I am willing to apologise to you, madam, but not to the Gander,
+and I will not go on my knees, even to your ladyship.
+
+COUNTESS. Do you hear that, Gander? There stands an old man----
+
+BAILIFF. Old man, madam?
+
+COUNTESS. Yes, old, compared to the Gander--who will not say his
+prayers. Take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.
+
+    [_Fight. The BAILIFF hits the GANDER and DRAKE with his stick.
+    They flap and peck. MELISSA opens the door of the secret
+    staircase. The BAILIFF falls with his legs through the doorway.
+    They drag him out and a great noise of tumbling is heard. Then
+    they come in again._
+
+COUNTESS. Thank you, Gander. Now we will go for a nice walk and you
+shall choose it. You shall take me to your favourite place.
+
+    [_The GANDER and DRAKE both shake their heads sadly._
+
+COUNTESS. What is it? Something wrong? Dear me, I wish you could speak.
+Lead the way then. Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander?
+
+    [_Walk round with steps and out._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 4. GOOSEY GANDER.
+
+Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander? Upstairs and downstairs,
+in my lady's chamber. There I saw an old man who wouldn't say his
+prayers, take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.]
+
+
+
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. CARR
+  KITTY, _her daughter_
+  SHOREDITCH BOY
+  ST. MARTIN'S BOY
+  OLD BAILEY BOY
+  STEPNEY BOY
+  BOW BOY
+  NEIGHBOURS
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_A STREET. MRS. CARR, with a small basket in her hand in which are two
+oranges and two lemons, is walking along the street to her house,
+holding her little daughter KITTY by the hand. They are supposed to
+have just arrived at her house door._
+
+
+MRS. C. There now, here we are at home again, and I'll take these in and
+make a nice pot of jam with them. I got them very cheap.
+
+KITTY. How much were they?
+
+MRS. C. Twopence each orange, and twopence and three farthings each
+lemon.
+
+    [_Handbells heard ringing._
+
+KITTY. Mother, why are the bells ringing?
+
+MRS. C. Because it is Bellringers' Day, when everyone who likes may ring
+a bell in the streets if he calls out the name of his parish and puts a
+penny into the parish poor box.
+
+KITTY. Oh, I should like to do that. What's our parish?
+
+MRS. C. St. Clement's.
+
+KITTY. And I could ring my little bell that I got off the Christmas
+tree.
+
+MRS. C. But have you a penny for the poor box?
+
+KITTY [_coaxingly_]. You give me one, mammy darling.
+
+MRS. C. [_smiling_]. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare. I spent my
+pennies on these.
+
+KITTY [_looking at the oranges and lemons in basket_]. Do let me sell
+them again and have some pennies!
+
+MRS. C. What about the jam then?
+
+KITTY. Oh, I'd much rather have the pennies for the poor box, so that I
+could ring my bell too.
+
+MRS. C. Well, you may try to sell them if you like.
+
+Kitty. Oh, mammy darling, you _are_ kind. I'll run in and get my bell.
+
+    [_Rushes in to get it. While she is inside MRS. CARR arranges
+    the oranges and lemons in the basket, etc. KITTY comes out with
+    the bell._
+
+MRS. C. [_giving her the basket, smiling_]. I'm spoiling you, mind.
+
+KITTY. It is nice to be spoilt. Now you go indoors, mother, and I'll be
+a real person all by myself.
+
+    [_MRS. C. smiles, kisses her, and goes in. KITTY, alone, walks up
+    and down calling_ "St Clement's! St. Clement's! St. Clement's!"
+    _Enter ST. MARTIN'S BOY, ringing his bell._
+
+ST. M. St. Martin's! St. Martin's!
+
+    [_Looks at KITTY'S basket._
+
+KITTY [_sings to tune, ringing bell_]. Oranges and lemons, says the
+Bells of St. Clement's!
+
+ST. M. Jolly good they look.
+
+KITTY. Buy one?
+
+ST. M. Yes, if they're not too dear. How much are they?
+
+KITTY. Two pennies for each orange, and two pennies and three farthings
+for each lemon.
+
+ST. M. All right, I'll have one of each. Now, twopence for
+this, you say, and twopence three farthings for this. Can you
+reckon up how much that is?
+
+KITTY. No--_you_ must.
+
+ST. M. Girls _are_ silly. That makes fourpence three-farthings. Now,
+here's a sixpence, and you must give me five farthings change.
+
+    [_Sings_] "You owe me five farthings, says the bells of
+    St. Martin's."
+
+KITTY. Oh dear, I've got no farthings, no change, no nothing.
+
+ST. M. Then you'll have no sixpence as well, that's all. And I'll have
+no oranges and lemons--and no nothing.
+
+KITTY. Oh dear, what a pity!
+
+    [_Enter SHOREDITCH BOY, ringing bell._
+
+SHOREDITCH. Shoreditch! Shoreditch! Hallo, those look good. Look here,
+little girl, sell me one. [_Feels in his pocket._] No, my pocket's
+empty.
+
+    [_Enter OLD BAILEY BOY, ringing bell._
+
+OLD BAILEY. Old Bailey! Old Bailey! Jolly things you've got there, young
+person.
+
+KITTY. _Do_ buy one.
+
+SHOREDITCH. _I_ want to buy one if someone will lend me the money.
+
+OLD BAILEY. Here, I've got some money. How much do you want?
+
+SHOREDITCH. Twopence.
+
+OLD BAILEY. Here you are then.
+
+SHOREDITCH. Hooray! [_Takes orange._] There, little girl.
+
+    [_Gives her two pennies._
+
+KITTY. Oh, that is nice!
+
+OLD BAILEY [_to_ SHOREDITCH]. But when will you pay me?
+
+    [_Sings_] "When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey."
+
+SHOREDITCH [_sings, smiling_]. "When I grow rich, says the bell of
+Shoreditch."
+
+OLD BAILEY. That's all very well, but it's a long time to wait. You put
+back that orange and give me back the pennies.
+
+    [_They begin fighting, their bells making a noise as they do so.
+    Enter STEPNEY and BOW, ringing bells, STEPNEY in front._
+
+STEPNEY. Stepney!
+
+BOW. And Bow!
+
+STEPNEY. Stepney!
+
+BOW. And Bow!                         [_They look at the boys fighting._
+
+BOW. What's all this about?
+
+OLD BAILEY. I've lent this Shoreditch boy twopence, and he says he'll
+pay me when he grows rich.
+
+STEPNEY [_to SHOREDITCH, sings_]. "When will that be? says the bell of
+Stepney."                      [_SHOREDITCH shakes his head and laughs._
+
+BOW [_in a deep voice, sings_]. "I'm sure I don't know, says the big
+bell of Bow."
+
+OLD BAILEY. Don't know, indeed!
+
+BOW. Well, don't quarrel on Bellringers' Day. Let's make a great noise
+and disturb the neighbours, that's much more amusing. Come on now, let's
+each shout something.
+
+    [_Each one sings a line, ringing the bell on the first beat of
+    the bar._
+
+KITTY. Oranges and lemons, says the bell of St. Clement's.
+
+ST. M. You owe me five farthings, says the bell of St. Martin's.
+
+OLD BAILEY. When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey.
+
+SHOREDITCH. When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch.
+
+STEPNEY. When will that be? says the bell of Stepney.
+
+BOW. I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow. Capital. Now, all
+together, about the chopper.                      [_All sing very loud._
+
+  Here comes a candle to light you to bed,
+  And here comes a chopper to chop off your head.
+
+NEIGHBOURS. Oh, what a noise!
+
+BOW. It's Bellringers' Day, ma'am. We may make as much noise as we like.
+Now then, all together.
+
+    [_They stand in a row and sing the song straight through. Then
+    they either march round in single file without singing, but
+    ringing their bells, while the tune is played on the piano, or
+    else dance. In either case the neighbours may join in._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 5. ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+Oranges and lemons, says the bells of St. Clements. You owe me five
+farthings, says the bells of St. Martins, When will you pay me? says the
+bells of Old Bailey. When I grow rich, says the bells of Shoreditch.
+When will that be? says the bells of Stepney, I'm sure I don't know,
+says the big bell of Bow. Here comes a candle to light you to bed--and
+here comes a chopper to chop off your head!]
+
+
+
+
+RIDE A COCK-HORSE
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+_TIMMY and JIMMY in separate beds, feet to audience, as the curtain goes
+up. TIM sits up cautiously._
+
+
+TIM. Jim, are you asleep?
+
+JIM [_sitting up and laughing_]. Yes, sound, are you?
+
+TIM. Yes. I _do_ think it's so boring being in bed, don't you?
+
+JIM. Horrid. I hate being asleep.
+
+TIM. But it's so difficult to keep awake sometimes, even if one has a
+book to look at.
+
+JIM. I can't think why Nurse doesn't like us to bring our book to bed.
+This is just the time to have it. It gives one nice dreams. [_He takes
+up book from the ground by his bed._] Look, I've got mine.
+
+TIM. It would be safer to wait till she's been.
+
+JIM [_putting it under pillow_]. Perhaps it would.
+
+TIM. I _do_ like it when Nurse looks in very softly and then says to
+Mother outside, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," when we're awake all the
+time!
+
+JIM. Take care, here she comes.
+
+    [_NURSE opens door with precaution, comes to beds, looks at both
+    boys, who pretend to be sound asleep. She goes on tiptoe to door,
+    opens it, says, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," and goes out
+    quietly. The boys put out their heads, listen, and then sit up._
+
+TIM. Now the book!
+
+JIM. Read something very nice. Then we can think about it afterwards.
+That will keep us awake.                                 [_They sit up._
+
+TIM. Oh, this is the one I like--"Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross, To
+see a fine lady upon a white horse: Rings on her fingers and bells on
+her toes, She shall have music wherever she goes."
+
+JIM. Oh yes, I love that one. Let's talk about it.
+
+TIM. What do you think a cock-horse is?
+
+JIM. I can't imagine. Do you think it's a horse with a cock's head?
+
+TIM. Oh, I wonder if he'd be like our Chanticleer, all white with a
+beautiful red comb.
+
+JIM. Or perhaps he'd be like our Rooster, all black and speckly. I
+wonder if he'd crow all the same, as our cocks do in the morning under
+our windows.
+
+TIM [_laughing_]. Oh dear, how funny Chanticleer would look with a
+horse's body! or is it a cock's head and a horse's body?
+
+JIM [_laughing_]. You couldn't ride him so easily.
+
+TIM. I should think it's a great big cock and wings sticking out like
+that [_stretching his arms_], and with a beautiful horse's back and a
+long tail. Oh, I should like to ride him!
+
+JIM. So should I.                        [_They begin to talk sleepily._
+
+TIM. And what about the fine lady? What do you think Banbury Cross is
+like?
+
+JIM. Oh, there's the picture. Look, it's a great stone thing; and
+there's the fine lady all in white, with a crown on.
+
+TIM. I wish there was a picture of the cock-horse too.
+
+JIM [_more sleepily_], I should like to ride on it--and--go to see the
+fine lady.
+
+TIM. Yes, we'd go to Banbury Cross and--see--her.
+
+    [_Talking more and more sleepily. The book falls out of his hand
+    on to the floor as they both go to sleep._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+SCENE II.--THE DREAM
+
+_A market place. A ring of children dancing hand in hand round Banbury
+Cross, which stands in the middle, half way up stage. Children sing_:
+
+  "Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross
+  To see a fine lady upon a white horse:
+  Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
+  She shall have music wherever she goes."
+
+_At the end of the tune they leave off dancing after singing it
+through._
+
+
+FIRST CHILD. Oh, I'm _so_ out of breath.
+
+SECOND CHILD. Let's rest a little.
+
+THIRD CHILD. Yes, till the Procession comes.
+
+    [_They all stand and sit at back._
+
+FOURTH CHILD. Oh, look! there's someone coming.
+
+    [_Enter JIMMY and TIMMY, riding cock-horses (hobby horses with
+    cocks' heads). They gallop round Cross._
+
+TIM. There, Rooster, we've just done it. You _are_ a good one to go.
+
+JIM. So are you, Chanticleer.
+
+FIRST CHILD. Oh, are you the beginning of the procession, please?
+
+JIM. What procession?
+
+CHILD. The fine lady that is coming on a white horse--the Queen of the
+Revels.
+
+TIM. What are revels?
+
+CHILD. Games and dancing and all sorts of fun.
+
+TIM. Oh, how nice!
+
+CHILD. Isn't it!
+
+    [_The children jump for joy and clap their hands._
+
+JIM [_to_ TIM]. I _am_ glad we came.
+
+TIM. So am I.
+
+CHILDREN. Hooray! Hooray! Here she comes.
+
+    [_Looking off R. Enter the fine lady on her white horse. The
+    MASTER OF THE REVELS leads her. Two boys walk in front playing a
+    tune on cazoos, etc. Escort of fairies, etc., if available. The
+    Queen's horse stops at the foot of Banbury Cross--she hands a
+    roll of paper to the MASTER, who receives it with a bow._
+
+CROWD. Hooray! Hooray!
+
+MASTER. Here is the list of the Revels--the first will be a race.
+
+JIM [_to_ TIM]. That will be fun. I like seeing races.
+
+MASTER. First race, Cock-horses--three times round Banbury Cross. How
+many entries?
+
+JIM [_to_ TIM]. Do you suppose that's us?
+
+TIM. I don't see any others.
+
+MASTER [_loud_]. Any entries?
+
+JIM. Cock-horse Chanticleer, ridden by Jim.
+
+TIM. Cock-horse Rooster, ridden by Tim.
+
+MASTER. One, two, three, off!
+
+    [_They ride round and round, crowd cheer, etc. They come in a
+    dead heat._
+
+MASTER. A dead heat--no prize.
+
+JIM. No prize?
+
+MASTER. No. Don't talk. Next revel, a dance.
+
+    [_All dance, TIM and JIM and their steeds marking time._
+
+MASTER. Next revel, crowing competition.
+
+    [_One after another they crow, very badly. CHANT. crows,
+    everyone claps. Then ROOSTER crows, they clap again._
+
+CHILD. That's not fair--he's a professional.
+
+ANOTHER CHILD. Never mind! Well done, Rooster.              [_All clap._
+
+    [_Scene must be changed as quickly as possible, the crowing
+    going on uninterruptedly from the time the curtain falls until
+    after it goes up again._
+
+
+[Illustration: 6. RIDE A COCK HORSE.
+
+Ride a cockhorse to Ban-bury Cross, to see a fine lady up-on a white
+horse, Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, She will make music
+wher-e-ver she goes.]
+
+
+SCENE III
+
+_Same as Scene I. TIM and JIM in bed asleep--crowing going on outside.
+TIM sits up and rubs his eyes._
+
+
+TIM. No, no, Rooster, leave off now. You've got the prize. [_He sits
+up and rubs his eyes._] Jim, we must ride back now. [_Gradually more
+wide-awake._] Why, that's Chanticleer crowing outside!
+
+    [_JIM also sits up._
+
+JIM. What's that crowing? Where am I?
+
+TIM. I've been dreaming I was riding a cock-horse.
+
+JIM. And I dreamt I saw the fine lady. Oh, I'm so sleepy.
+
+    [_They both fall back on pillow and go to sleep again._
+
+    _Enter NURSE._
+
+NURSE. What, asleep still! Come, it's time to get up. And you've been
+taking a book to bed, you naughty boys, and reading it instead of going
+to sleep. That's why you're so tired this morning. What's it about? Why,
+what absurd stuff!
+
+  Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,
+  To see a fine lady upon a white horse:
+  With rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes,
+  She shall have music----
+
+
+CURTAIN _falls as she reads_
+
+
+
+
+LITTLE MISS MUFFET
+
+
+  _NURSE and MISS MUFFET, reading at table._
+
+MUFFET [_reading her lesson_]. C, A, T, cat; M, A, T, mat. I've done my
+lessons very well to-day, haven't I?
+
+NURSE. Yes, Miss Muffet dear, you've been a very good little girl. Now,
+just read those two sentences and then we will go out.
+
+MUFFET [_reading_]. THE CAT IS ON THE MAT. THE BAT IS ON THE MAT. Oh, I
+don't like that story.
+
+NURSE [_surprised_]. Why not?
+
+MUFFET. About the bat. It frightens me to read about a bat on the mat. I
+don't like bats.
+
+NURSE. Why, you silly little girl, they don't do you any harm.
+
+MUFFET. They make me afraid. I can't bear bats--they're nearly as bad as
+spiders.
+
+NURSE. I never saw such a foolish little child. Spiders don't do you any
+harm, either.
+
+MUFFET. Oh, they're worse than bats. You won't let one come near me,
+nursie, will you?
+
+NURSE [_smiling_]. Of course not, my poppet. Now, it's time to go out.
+Put your things on and we'll take the baby into the grounds.
+
+    [_NURSE ties on MUFFET'S hat, and while she dresses her they talk._
+
+MUFFET. Nursie, you know that you said if I were good at my lesson I
+could choose my luncheon?
+
+NURSE. I did, yes.
+
+MUFFET. And _do_ let me take it out with me to have outside.
+
+NURSE. Then you must have something that's easy to carry. What do you
+say to some nice bread and butter?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Then what about a nice ginger-nut?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Or a nice scone?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Or a nice Albert biscuit?
+
+MUFFET. No.
+
+NURSE. Then what _do_ you want?
+
+MUFFET. Something that begins with a K.
+
+NURSE. With a K.? What can that be?
+
+MUFFET [_triumphantly_]. Curds and whey!
+
+NURSE. Oh, my dear child, what spelling! Curds begins with a C.
+
+MUFFET [_decidedly_]. No, nursie, I've done my spelling for to-day.
+You'll let me have it outside, won't you? Just for a treat.
+
+NURSE. It won't be much of a treat if you spill it all on the path.
+
+MUFFET. No, I don't want to give the path a treat, do I? Oh, I'll be so
+careful, nursie, you'll see. _Do_ let me.
+
+NURSE. Very well then, just for once you may. But mind, you mustn't
+begin Curds with a K.
+
+MUFFET. I'll begin it with a spoon, dear nursie--that's best. I'll go
+and get it from the kitchen.
+
+NURSE. And I'll go and fetch the darling baby. Bless his pretty heart
+for a popsy wopsy toodelums.
+
+
+SCENE II
+
+_The grounds--a grassy hillock--some trees. Enter the SPIDER, prowling
+mysteriously._
+
+_The SPIDER should have eight legs, made of thick wire, bent and covered
+with black. Two curving from his feet, two from his hands, two from his
+head (fastened on to a round frame), two from his shoulders._
+
+
+SPIDER. Ha, none of those horrid two-legged creatures about, I am glad
+to say. I should be ashamed to have so few legs. Now, let me see. Where
+shall I start my spinning? [_Sits on tuffet and looks round._] That
+bough, I think, would be best ... it's just the right kind of day--not
+too shiny, nor too damp. Just the sort of day for a fly not to see a
+web. [_Looks round._] Perhaps I'd better look round and see if there's a
+better place. Dear me, now there's a bluebottle gone swaggering past. If
+I'd had the web ready he'd have blundered straight into it. Fat blue
+thing! These winged creatures _are_ so stupid sometimes. Well, I mustn't
+lose any more time.                                       [_Goes out R._
+
+    [_Enter NURSE, pushing pram in which the baby is supposed to be;
+    MUFFET following, carrying a bowl very carefully and a spoon._
+
+NURSE. Now, Miss Muffet, you had better sit down and eat your curds and
+whey or you'll be splashing it down your frock. Suppose you sit on that
+tuffet and eat it while I walk the baby about.
+
+MUFFET. Is that called a tuffet? What a nice name!
+
+NURSE. Yes, it's called a tuffet because that's where people sit to eat
+curds and whey.
+
+MUFFET. Oh, I'll sit there then. [_Establishes herself carefully._] Now
+I'll pretend I'm on a desert island, Nurse, and you go away.
+
+NURSE [_smiling_]. Very well. I leave you to the savages. Good-bye.
+
+MUFFET [_calls after her_]. Nurse!
+
+NURSE. Well?
+
+MUFFET. You won't really go away, will you? You'll only pretend?
+
+NURSE. Of course.
+
+MUFFET. And they won't be real savages?
+
+NURSE. Certainly not.
+
+MUFFET. I always think it's so much nicer to pretend.
+
+    [_NURSE goes off R. MUFFET goes on eating her curds and whey.
+    SPIDER comes in L. with coil of string. SPIDER, before seeing
+    MUFFET, looks up at bough._
+
+SPIDER. No, this is the best place, I'm sure.
+
+    [_Sees MUFFET, who has nearly eaten her curds. She looks up and
+    sees him, and cries out._
+
+MUFFET. Oh! Oh! Oh! Nurse! Nurse! Here's an enormous spider!
+
+SPIDER. You are very rude--that's worse than being enormous.
+
+MUFFET [_looking frightened_]. I'm very sorry--I didn't mean to be rude.
+
+SPIDER [_mollified_]. And I didn't mean to be enormous. But I was born
+so.
+
+MUFFET. Nurse! Nurse!                              [_She begins crying._
+
+SPIDER. What's the matter, little Two-legs?
+
+    [_Sits down by her on the tuffet. MISS MUFFET puts down the curds
+    and whey and rushes in to meet NURSE coming in L. with baby._
+
+NURSE. What is it, darling? What's the matter?
+
+MUFFET. Oh, Nursie, it's a spider--the biggest you ever saw, and he came
+and sat down beside me and frightened me away.
+
+NURSE [_seeing_ SPIDER]. Oh! he _is_ a monster.
+
+SPIDER. Really, the manners of these two-legged persons!
+
+NURSE. I'll soon chase it away. Shoo! Shoo! I'll stamp upon him if I get
+a chance. That will teach him to be a spider.
+
+    [_SPIDER gets down off the tuffet and runs rapidly round the tree.
+    NURSE pokes at it with her umbrella. Prolong chase ad libitum.
+    Then SPIDER hides behind tree, looking out at intervals._
+
+NURSE. There now, he's gone.
+
+MUFFET. Oh dear, Nursie, I want to go home. I'm so frightened.
+
+NURSE. Well, come along home then. [_Takes up bowl and pushes the
+pram._] Poor little Miss Muffet!
+
+MUFFET. I sat on a tuffet eating my curds and whey and there came that
+big spider ...                     [_Buries her face against her nurse._
+
+NURSE. And sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away! Well,
+never mind, darling, he's gone into his hole, and you will never see him
+again.            [_They go out L. SPIDER puts his head round the tree._
+
+SPIDER. Hole, indeed! [_Comes out._] No hole for me, but a nice big web
+where I can see what is going on. Now, where shall I begin it? [_Looks
+round._] Ah, there, I think! But I'll just have a dance first--it's a
+great thing having so many legs for these new dances. [_Dances round. At
+end of dance._] And now to work!              [_Throws rope over bough._
+
+
+QUICK CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 7. LITTLE MISS MUFFET.
+
+Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating of curds and whey. There came
+a big spider and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet a-way.]
+
+
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+
+CHARACTERS
+
+  MRS. DUMPTY
+  KING'S MAN
+  MRS. PRINGLE
+  COLONEL
+  SOLDIERS _ad lib._
+  HUMPTY DUMPTY
+  SERGEANT-MAJOR
+
+
+SCENE
+
+    _One side of a village street--a wall about two feet high up
+    stage, parallel to the audience. This can be represented by
+    anything that a child could stand on for a minute before jumping
+    down. Behind it R.C. Mrs. Dumpty's house is seen--a little gate
+    in the wall at back L.C. leading to house. There should be exits
+    R., L., and C. at back through gate. MRS. DUMPTY and MRS.
+    PRINGLE standing at gate._
+
+
+MRS. P. Well, good morning, Mrs. Dumpty, I must be running off now.
+
+MRS. D. Very kind of you to have come in, Mrs. Pringle. I am sorry
+Humpty was out, I'd like you to have seen him.
+
+MRS. P. Oh, I can do without seeing him every day, thank you. Is he as
+fat as ever?
+
+MRS. D. How you _do_ go on about his being fat, Mrs. Pringle. You don't
+want me to starve the child, do you?
+
+MRS. P. No, but there's a lot of difference between starving and
+over-feeding. I'm sure my Billy don't get the half of what you give
+Humpty, and just look at him!
+
+MRS. D. Look at him, indeed! Humpty only gets the same as we get, and
+has done ever since he's been born. I suppose your Billy gets nothing
+but bread and milk.
+
+MRS. P. He didn't have pork chops when he was six months old, if that's
+what you mean, Mrs. Dumpty.
+
+MRS. D. Well, I was never one to grudge a baby a bit of anything it
+cried for, and no one can say Humpty's not a fine boy now.
+
+MRS. P. He may be a fine boy, but he is a very naughty one. He makes
+more noise than all the rest of the boys put together. [_Noise heard
+outside._] That sounds like him now.
+
+MRS. D. It's just his high spirits, Mrs. Pringle. I like a boy to have a
+bit of spirit.                       [_Enter HUMPTY with a great noise._
+
+HUMPTY. Hallo, mother!
+
+MRS. D. Don't you see Mrs. Pringle, dear?
+
+HUMPTY. Yes, I wish I didn't. I don't like Mrs. Pringle.
+
+MRS. D. Oh, Humpty, I'm surprised at you.
+
+MRS. P. [_offended_]. I think I'd best be going, Mrs. Dumpty.
+
+HUMPTY. Look out that you don't miss the procession, Mrs. Pringle.
+
+MRS. D. What procession?
+
+HUMPTY. Haven't you heard? All the King's horses and all the King's men
+are coming along here on their way to the Coronation.
+
+MRS. D. Well, that's very nice. I'll take you to the end of the road,
+and we'll look at them.
+
+HUMPTY. But we needn't go to the end of the road--they pass right along
+here. I shall only have to get on the wall and I shall see beautifully.
+
+MRS. D. You're not to get on without me holding on to you. I'm not going
+to have you falling off and breaking all your bones.
+
+MRS. P. I don't believe he's got bones to break. He is made of nothing
+but fat and naughtiness.
+
+HUMPTY [_boisterously_]. That's right, Mrs. Pringle. Stick up for me.
+
+MRS. P. I'm not sticking up for you, you naughty boy--I'm only sorry for
+your poor mother having such a son. So unlike my Billy!
+
+MRS. D. Oh, it's only his playful way, Mrs. Pringle. Run along and wash
+your face, Humpty, there's a good boy.
+
+HUMPTY. I don't want to wash my face.
+
+MRS. D. Well, I'm sure I don't know what the King will say if he sees
+you with a face like that.
+
+MRS. P. It's enough to make him abdicate.
+
+HUMPTY. The King's not coming, you silly old things, it's his horses and
+men.
+
+MRS. D. You're a rude boy, and you're to go and wash your face at once.
+
+HUMPTY. Well, I don't mind, just for once--it's nearly a week since I
+last did, and it's Monday--that's the day my face goes to the wash.
+
+                                                                [_Exit._
+
+MRS. D. Hadn't you best stop and see the procession with us, Mrs.
+Pringle? It would be a nice change for you instead of looking at your
+Billy all day----
+
+MRS. P. You're not very civil-spoken, Mrs. Dumpty, but I _do_ like to
+see a procession when I can. But I'm hardly fit to be seen like this.
+I'd best slip home and put on my new shawl.
+
+MRS. D. Well, if you do that, I'll just pop on my Sunday bonnet--it
+won't take a minute.
+
+    [_MRS. P. exit L., MRS. D. C. at back. Exeunt. Enter HUMPTY._
+
+HUMPTY. Hurrah--they've both gone--I'll get on the wall. [_Climbs up._]
+I can see beautifully now. I expect the procession will soon be
+coming----Yes, I can hear them. Oh, what fun!
+
+    [_Enter MRS. D._
+
+MRS. D. Oh, you naughty boy, didn't I tell you not to get on the wall
+without me holding you?
+
+HUMPTY. I'm all right--I shall see them beautifully from here.
+
+MRS. D. Don't jump about like that--you'll fall off for a certainty.
+
+HUMPTY. Oh, let me alone. Can't you hear them coming?
+
+MRS. D. Take care, Humpty, take care. What did I say...!
+
+    [_HUMPTY falls off--this must be done by jumping from the wall and
+    rolling over. MRS. D. flies to pick him up. HUMPTY groans. Enter
+    MRS. P._
+
+MRS. P. Here I am, Mrs. Dumpty. Why, what's that down there?
+
+MRS. D. It's Humpty. He's been and fallen off the wall, and I can't get
+him up again.
+
+MRS. P. Here, let me try. Give me your hand, Humpty.
+
+MRS. D. No, it's no use, he is so heavy, you see.
+
+MRS. P. Didn't I tell you he was too fat? My Billy would be up in a
+minute.
+
+MRS. D. Bother your Billy--if only someone would come and pick him up.
+
+    [_Music heard. Enter the King's horses and men._
+
+MRS. D. Oh, sirs--oh, sirs--do, pray, stop a minute.
+
+    [_They walk right across the stage before they stop, so their backs
+    are to her--and then turn right round so that they face her._
+
+KING'S MAN. Halt! About turn! Yes, ma'am?
+
+MRS. D. Oh, sir, you look so beautiful--but I'm sorry to tell you that
+my son, while waiting to see you, has fallen off the wall--he's down
+there.
+
+KING'S MAN. Yes, ma'am! I see him. Is that all, ma'am? Good morning.
+About turn!----                                 [_They turn away again._
+
+MRS. D. Oh, sirs! Oh, sirs! don't go away--I want you to pick him up
+again.
+
+KING'S MAN. Well, ma'am, we may be late for the Coronation, but anything
+to oblige. [_To soldiers._] About turn! [_They turn back._] First file,
+take hold of the boy's arms! Second file, catch hold of his legs!
+Now--all together, on to the wall--lift! [_They try to pick him up._]
+I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't move him--he's rather stout, you see.
+
+MRS. P. What did I say! If only it was my Billy now.
+
+    [_More music heard._
+
+KING'S MAN. Here's another regiment coming--perhaps they can do it.
+
+    [_Enter more soldiers._
+
+KING'S MAN. If you please, Colonel----
+
+COLONEL. Halt! What is it, my man?
+
+KING'S MAN. There's a young feller there fallen off the wall--we can't
+get him up again, sir.
+
+COLONEL. What! All you King's horses and all you King's men can't do a
+simple thing like that! Preposterous! Ridiculous! [_He twirls his
+moustache and is very warlike._] Sergeant-Major!
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel!
+
+COLONEL. Fall out the regiment, and replace that boy on the wall.
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Right turn! Dismiss! Now then, all together.
+
+    [_Both regiments dash at HUMPTY and try to pick him up._
+
+COLONEL. H'm--it's not so easy as I thought. A charge of cavalry might
+do it. [_HUMPTY starts._] Or, upon my word, an explosion of dynamite
+would be better. Sergeant-Major!
+
+    [_HUMPTY trembles._
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel.
+
+COLONEL. Blow this boy off the ground with dynamite.
+
+MRS. D. [_hurriedly_]. Oh, thank you so much--I won't trouble you to do
+that.
+
+COLONEL. No trouble at all, madam, I assure you. It won't take a moment.
+Sergeant-Major!
+
+MRS. P. Oh, how exciting!
+
+MRS. D. Be quiet, Mrs. Pringle. _Pray_ don't trouble, Colonel--I think
+he is very comfortable where he is, thank you.
+
+COLONEL. Just as you wish, madam--but if we can't do anything for you I
+think we had better be moving on. Sergeant-Major!
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel.
+
+COLONEL. Fall in the regiment.
+
+SERGEANT-MAJOR. Regiment! Fall in!    [_They fall in and stand at ease._
+
+COLONEL. Attention! Right turn. Quick march!                  [_Exeunt._
+
+MRS. D. What a dreadful man!
+
+MRS. P. Oh, did you think so? I thought him so pleasant.
+
+MRS. D. Why, what's Humpty doing?
+
+    [_HUMPTY rolls over and faces the audience._
+
+HUMPTY. Phew! I felt rather anxious then--I thought I should have to get
+up----
+
+MRS. D. Get up! But can you get up, my poppet?        [_HUMPTY sits up._
+
+HUMPTY. Of course I can, if I like--only it was such fun having them all
+crowding round and pulling at me.
+
+MRS. P. Well, I never! It would have served you quite right if they had
+blown you up as they said.
+
+MRS. D. How hard you are on the poor child, Mrs. Pringle.
+
+MRS. P. My Billy would never have done such a thing.
+
+HUMPTY. Of course he wouldn't--he's much too stupid.
+
+MRS. P. Stupid! Not he--he's got too much sense to go falling off a wall
+just when a procession was coming. I shall go home and tell him what you
+did.
+
+HUMPTY. And mind you tell him that all the King's horses and all the
+King's men couldn't pick Humpty Dumpty up again--till he chose!
+
+                                                             [_Gets up._
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+[Illustration: 8. HUMPTY DUMPTY.
+
+Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the
+King's horses and all the King's men, could'nt pick Humpty Dumpty up
+again.]
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's note: "[P]" represents the pilcrow character.]
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by
+Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond
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