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diff --git a/34763.txt b/34763.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10fdd3f --- /dev/null +++ b/34763.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2495 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by +Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Cat and Fiddle Book + Eight Dramatised Nursery Rhymes for Nursery Performers + +Author: Lady Florence Bell + Mrs. Herbert Richmond + +Release Date: December 27, 2010 [EBook #34763] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + +_The CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK_ + + + + + Other Books of Plays for Children + by LADY BELL + + _Petit Theatre des Enfants_ Twelfth Impression + _Nursery Comedies_ Eighth " + _Theatre de la Jeunesse_ Twelfth " + _Fairy-Tale Plays_ Fifth " + _The Mother Hubbard Book_ + + + + + _The_ + CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK + + _Eight dramatised Nursery Rhymes for Nursery Performers_ + + _by_ + LADY BELL + _and_ + MRS. HERBERT RICHMOND + + + LONGMANS, GREEN AND CO. + 39 PATERNOSTER ROW, LONDON, E.C.4 + NEW YORK, TORONTO + BOMBAY, CALCUTTA AND MADRAS + 1922 + _Printed in Great Britain_ + + + + + _To_ + _MY TEN GRANDCHILDREN_ + + + Eight of whom + + PAULINE, GEORGE, KITTY, MARY, BRIDGET, + VALENTINE, MARJORIE, AND FLORENCE + + have "created" many of the parts in these playlets, and two of whom, + BILL and GEOFFREY, are still among the audience. + + F.B. + May 1922 + + + _Made in Great Britain_ + + + + +_The TABLE OF CONTENTS_ + + + BY LADY BELL + + The Cat and the Fiddle _p._ 9 + Lucy Locket _p._ 13 + Polly Put the Kettle On _p._ 17 + Goosey-Gander _p._ 21 + Oranges and Lemons _p._ 27 + Ride-a-Cock-horse _p._ 32 + + + BY MRS. HERBERT RICHMOND + + Little Miss Muffet _p._ 37 + Humpty Dumpty _p._ 42 + + +[P] The Characters in list at the beginning of each play are always given +in the order of their appearance. + + + + +_SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR THE "PRODUCERS" OF THESE PLAYLETS_ + + +In every case the tune of the nursery rhyme, the dramatized version of +which is about to be acted, should be played through twice on the piano +before the curtain is raised: the first time without singing; the second +time the audience, of which the majority presumably will be children, +should be asked to join in and sing it too, led by the performers +singing it behind the scenes. At the close of the piece, when the +curtain has fallen at the place indicated in the text it should (if +justified by applause) be raised again, discovering the performers +standing in a row. These should sing the rhyme through again to the +piano accompaniment, the audience joining in as before, after which the +curtain is finally lowered. + +The scenery can in nearly every case be arranged by using folding +screens. In one or two pieces, such as _Goosey-Goosey-Gander_ and +_Ride-a-Cock-horse_, it would be improved by being a little more +elaborate. But even in these, if there is no artist in the family who +can paint a Banbury Cross or a farmyard in the background, a large label +can be hung up to show in what kind of surroundings the action is taking +place. As to costume, the period of none of the plays, fortunately, is +precisely known, and the performers therefore can be dressed up as they +choose. Where animals' heads are required, such as the COW, DOG, and CAT +in the _Cat and the Fiddle_, the GOOSE and DRAKE in _Goosey-Gander_, and +the COCK in _Ride-a-Cock-horse_, these will not be found very difficult +to make out of cardboard, not too stiff, bent to the shape required and +roughly painted. + +In one or two of the plays there are speaking parts which can be taken +by quite little children, such as the DISH and SPOON in the _Cat and the +Fiddle_, the latter especially being within the grasp of the smallest +performer able to speak distinctly enough for the words to be +recognisable. The part of POLLY in _Polly Put the Kettle On_ can be +played by any intelligent child of five. In _Oranges and Lemons_, +_Humpty Dumpty_, and _Ride-a-Cock-horse_ there are possibilities of a +crowd in which any number of children available can "come on" and so +take a share in the performance. + +The writer ventures to suggest that the preface of a book entitled +_Fairy-Tale Plays_ (Longman) contains detailed directions which may be +found helpful for rehearsing with children. The great thing for the +"Producers" to remember is not to cast a gloom over the proceedings by +being depressed or losing their tempers when the performers still don't +know their parts on the day of the performance, when their "business" at +that performance is exactly opposite to that inculcated at rehearsals, +and when they invent on "the night" an entirely new series of mistakes. +It does not matter if they do. The audience, which will probably largely +consist of the relations of the performers, will be just as pleased +whatever happens, and so will every child-lover who is looking on. So +will the actors, whose enjoyment is assured if they are acting and +dressing up. And the spectator who does not like seeing their enjoyment +does not deserve to have any himself, so we need not take him into +account. + +Neither the writer nor the producers of these absurd little plays, +therefore, need have much fear of failure. They are spared the acute +preliminary--and subsequent--agonies of those who produce plays of a +larger size and a better quality than those contained in this little +book. + + _May 1922._ FLORENCE BELL + + + + +THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE + + +SCENE + +_A room in Mrs. MOOCOWS Boarding House. A chair R.C., a settee, or +another chair, up stage R. At back L.C. two ordinary folding screens +about 2ft. 6in. apart, a curtain hung across the space between them. +A picture of a full moon painted on a large piece of cardboard must be +propped up behind the opening between the screens, so that when the +curtain is drawn back the moon is seen on the horizon_, i.e. _its lower +edge on the level of the ground._ + + +CHARACTERS + +_In order of their appearance_ + + THE COW + THE DOG + THE CAT + THE DISH + THE SPOON + + +COW. Dog! + +DOG. Yes? + +COW. Do you like the cat? + +DOG. No, I don't. Do you? + +COW. Of course not. + +DOG. Why _did_ you have her to lodge with you? + +COW. I really don't know. I thought it would be nice to have someone who +was fond of music. + +DOG. _I'm_ fond of it, but not of the cat's music. + +COW. No, her music is a disappointment. + +DOG. I don't care about that great lumpy fiddle of hers, either. + +COW. And she _will_ accompany herself on it when she mews. + +DOG. And then, she's so vain. + +COW. Yes! She told me she could jump better than I could. + +DOG. Oh, how absurd. + +COW. She says I can't climb a tree. + +DOG. And can you? + +COW. I've never tried it--I don't want to. She says _you_ can't climb a +tree. + +DOG. Well, what then? I can stand at the bottom of it and bark. Can she +do that? + +COW. Of course not. And I told her that if I liked I could jump over the +moon. + +DOG [_rather incredulous_]. Could you, Cow? Could you? + +COW. If it were near the ground. + +DOG. But is it ever near the ground? + +COW. Certainly, when it is quite low down and looks all big and red. + +DOG. Oh yes, to be sure. + +COW. And then, the cat gives such a lot of trouble. She must have her +dinner on a dish every day, all mixed up with a spoon. + +DOG. Such a fuss! Why can't she just have a bone on the drawing-room +carpet--nothing nicer than that. + +COW. Or some grass in the field--so simple? The Dish and the Spoon don't +like having to come down from the dresser so often. They like being +quiet. [_Mewing heard._] Not much chance of being quiet with a cat who +practises all day. + + [_Enter CAT L., mewing. She is carrying a 'cello or a + violin, preferably the former. She sits down on chair R.C. and + pretends to tune her instrument, mewing the note and turning the + pegs. If a grown-up who can play the tune on one of these + instruments is not available for the part of the cat, the child + who acts it can be taught, while mewing the tune through after + tuning, to draw the bow across the open D string and A string on + first beat, provided the instrument is not too precious for such + handling._ + +COW. May I ask, Cat---- + +CAT. Don't interrupt, please, when I'm practising. I'm going to mew at a +concert to-night. [_Goes on._ + + [_The COW and the DOG join in, mooing and barking._ + +CAT [_at end of tune_]. What are you doing? + +COW. We're joining in the chorus. + +CAT. There isn't a chorus to that song. + +DOG. There was that time. + +CAT. Well, don't let it happen again. I shan't practise any more for the +present. + +DOG. That's a comfort. + +CAT. I want my dinner. + +COW [_calls off_]. Dish! Spoon! Bring the Cat's dinner. + + _Enter DISH and SPOON R._ + +DISH and SPOON. If you please, we wish to give notice. + +COW. Notice! Why? + +DISH. There is too much to do here. We don't like having to bring in so +many meals for the Cat. + +SPOON. No, we don't. + +CAT. What impertinence! + +DOG. Well, then, I'll give notice too as a lodger. I don't like living +under the same roof as the Cat. + +COW. Do you hear. Cat? You are breaking up my establishment. I must ask +you to leave this day week. + +CAT. Certainly not. I've got my rooms by the year, remember. + +DOG. Oh dear. Bow, wow, wow. + +CAT. May I ask why you don't like me? + +DOG. I don't like your ways. You wag your tail when you're angry instead +of wagging it when you're pleased. + +CAT. It _is_ a silly doggish plan to wag it when you're pleased. How can +people know what you mean? + +COW. And you're so vain. + +CAT. What about you? You said you could jump over the moon. + +COW. I said I could if I liked. But I don't like. + +CAT. I'll bet you can't jump over the moon, whether you like it or not. + +COW. I never bet. + +CAT. Then we won't bet for money. But I'll bet you you can't jump over +the moon, and if you can, then I'll have lost my bet, and I'll go away +as you ask; but if you can't, then I'll stay here as long as I please. + +DOG [_who has slyly pulled aside the curtain--aside to_ COW]. Say yes, +the moon's quite low. + +COW [_to_ CAT]. All right, I'll take your bet. + +DOG. And I'll be umpire. + +CAT. Fair play, mind. + +DOG. Dogs are always honest, they are not like cats. + +CAT. And cats are always polite. They are not like dogs. + +DOG. Now listen, Cat. If the Cow jumps so high that we can see the moon +beneath her, that shall be counted jumping over the moon. + +CAT. All right, then, draw the curtain so that we can see the moon. + + [_DISH draws the curtain--moon seen on the horizon._ + +DOG. Now then. One, two, three. + + [_COW jumps. Moon seen under her as she jumps._ + +DOG. Ha, ha, ha! It makes me laugh to see such sport. Cow, you have won. +We saw the moon under you as you jumped. + +DISH and SPOON. Yes, we did! + +DOG [_to_ CAT]. You have lost your bet. + +CAT. I'm very glad to go away from you all. I don't like those +lumpy-jumpy ways. + +ALL. We're glad too, so we're all satisfied! + + [_Exit CAT, mewing and fiddling._ + +DISH. Come along, Spoon. I'll run away with you into the fields. + +COW. Oh, what fun! we'll all elope together. Come on, Dog! + + [_They all dance round, and finally out. Length of dance ad + lib., but they must go round twice at least. As they go from one + side of the stage to the other, CAT comes in, in the contrary + direction, meeting them. She carries her 'cello and stick in + one hand, and in the other a small suit case. She tosses her + head scornfully at the others and marches out._ + + +CURTAIN + + +[Illustration: 1. THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE. + +Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jump'd over the moon +the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish ran away with the +spoon.] + + + + +LUCY LOCKET + + +CHARACTERS + + MRS. LOCKET + LUCY, her daughter + KITTY FISHER, her niece + +Produced at St. Mary's Hospital, Paddington, during the Christmas season +of 1921, with the following cast: + + _Mrs. Locket_: SYBIL THORNDIKE + _Lucy Locket_: MARY CASSON + _Kitty Fisher_: ANN CASSON + + +SCENE + +_MRS. LOCKET'S Drawing Room. Small table L. with workbox, etc., on it. +R.C. armchair L. of table. L.C. higher chair. MRS. LOCKET on armchair, +sewing; LUCY on higher chair, swinging her legs._ + + +MRS. L. Oh dear, I never thought I should have such a careless child. + +LUCY. Why didn't you think so, mother? + +MRS. L. Because I was so very tidy myself when I was a little girl--just +like your Cousin Kitty. Oh, why are you not like her! + +LUCY. I do think Kitty is so boring. + +MRS. L. My dear child! How wrong to say such a thing of your cousin. + +LUCY. But, mother, you always say I'm to tell the truth. So as she is +boring, I must say so. + +MRS. L. It's wrong to be bored by people who are good. Kitty is so tidy, +so careful about everything: so unlike you. You're so heedless I can't +even send you to the village shop for me. + +LUCY. Oh, mother do let me go to the shop for you. I'm sure I could. + +MRS. L. I do want two pennorth of pepper, but I can't trust you to get +it. I'm sure you would lose the pennies. + +LUCY. No, no. I would hold them tightly in my hand. You see, I haven't a +pocket in this frock. That's one reason why I lose things. + +MRS. L. That is true, and I have made you a nice little pocket to tie +on, in hopes it will make you more careful. + +LUCY. Oh, mother, what a darling pocket, and what a pretty binding! + +MRS. L. Yes, I've just sewn it on. [_LUCY ties it on round her waist._ + +LUCY. Do give me the two pennies, and I'll put them into the pocket. + +MRS. L. Take care that bow doesn't slip. You've tied it very loosely. +Oh, here is your cousin Kitty. + + _Enter KITTY_ + +KITTY. Good morning, Aunt Jane. + +MRS. L. Good morning, my child, and how is my good little girl this +morning? + +KITTY. Very well, thank you, aunt, and I feel very happy, too. + +LUCY. So do I. [_Looking proudly at her pocket._ + +KITTY. Ah, but not for the same reason, I fear. I feel happy because I +am so very good. I'm so tidy and careful, and I never forget anything. + +LUCY. How dull that must be! + +MRS. L. Oh, my dear Lucy. Don't say that! Ask Kitty to tell you how she +does it, while I go and write my letters. [_Goes out._ + +LUCY. No, don't tell me anything about it, Kitty. Look at my new pocket. + +KITTY. I hope you won't lose it. I never lose anything. + +LUCY. Oh, then, you do miss a lot of excitement! When I'm going out I +have to rush about looking for my things, and it is so thrilling when I +see my shoe far back under the bed, or my handkerchief in the +coal-scuttle. + +KITTY. Oh, Lucy, how much better it would be if your shoes were tidily +side by side! You shock me. I always put my things where they ought to +be, and then I find them again at once. + +LUCY. Well, I wish you wouldn't, then, and put it into my mother's head. +She's always wanting me to do the same. + +KITTY. You must try, Lucy. Try as hard as you can, and perhaps some day +you will grow up like me. + +LUCY. I hope I shan't. [_Makes a face at her._ + +KITTY. Oh, how distressing! I never make a face. + +LUCY. Now I'm going out to shop for mother. + + [_Jumps round room and goes out._ + +KITTY [_looking after her_]. Oh, poor girl, how I pity her! What is that +I see on the ground over there? [_Goes out and brings in LUCY'S +pocket._] Why, I believe this is Lucy's pocket! Dear, dear, how +careless of her! What a good thing I was there ready to pick it up. +[_Feels in bag._] Nothing in it. Ha! there's something. No, it's only +the binding round it. Dear, dear, she has lost the money too! I must go +and find my aunt and take it to her. + + [_Enter MRS. L., KITTY ostentatiously holding bag so that MRS. L. + may see it._ + +MRS. L. What's that you have, Kitty? + +KITTY [_holding it up_]. It's Lucy's pocket. + +MRS. L. What! Lucy's pocket, that I made her this morning? What are you +doing with it, Kitty? + +KITTY. I'm sorry to say, Aunt Jane, that Lucy dropped it, and as I +happened to be looking round me to see if I could be useful in any way I +saw it and picked it up. + +MRS. L. And what about the pence that were in it? + +KITTY. They are not there. I'm very sorry, as I know people ought to be +so careful of money. I always am. + + [_Loud boo-hooing heard outside. Enter LUCY._ + +LUCY. I've lost my pocket! I've lost my pocket! + +MRS. L. Oh, you careless girl! you may well cry. Luckily for you, Kitty +Fisher found it. + +LUCY. Oh, Kitty, did you? Oh, I am so glad. Give it to me quickly! + +KITTY [_holding it back_]. Don't you think, Aunt Jane, I had better have +it? I am so careful of my things. + +LUCY [_angry_]. No, you shan't. You shan't have my nice pocket. + + [_Goes to her and drags it away. They fight._ + +MRS. L. You are not to fight. That is very wrong. + +KITTY. Very wrong. I forgot myself, I am afraid. + +MRS. L. Where are the pence you had in the pocket, Lucy? + + [_LUCY boo-hoos again._ + +LUCY. Oh, mother, it must have come untied when I jumped about. I'm so +dreadfully sorry. I shall never be happy again. + +KITTY. No, of course you can't feel happy as I do. + +LUCY. Mother, do let me try once more; I really will be good. + +MRS. L. Are you sure, Lucy? Will you really try? + +LUCY. Yes, yes, I promise. I'll be like a little girl in a book, who +changes all of a sudden, and never does it again. + +MRS. L. Very well, then, I'll trust you with it once more. + +KITTY. I'm a little surprised at you, aunt. + +LUCY. And you'll never tell me I'm to be as good as Kitty? + +MRS. L. No, because you will be just as good without my telling you. + +KITTY. Good-bye then, aunt, I don't care to stay here if I'm of no use +in setting an example to Lucy. + +LUCY. I can do without your example, thank you. + +KITTY. We shall see. But next time Lucy Locket loses her pocket Kitty +Fisher will not find it. + + [_They all sing "Lucy Locket," the curtain coming down on the + last line._ + + +[Illustration: 2. LUCY LOCKET. + +Lucy Locket lost her pocket Kitty Fisher found it. Ne'er a penny was +there in it save the binding round it.] + + + + +POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON + + +CHARACTERS + + MRS. SMILER + MRS. BROWN + MRS. JENNINGS + POLLY + MRS. CRABSTICK + SUKEY + + +SCENE + +_MRS. SMILER'S Cottage. A table C. half way up stage, four chairs round +it arranged almost in a semi-circle, so that there is no one with back +to audience. R. a stove on which to put kettle, etc. Dresser or table at +back with cups and saucers, etc., on it._ + + +MRS. S. Polly! Polly! + +POLLY [_outside_]. Yes, ma'am. [_Enter POLLY. She is very small._ + +MRS. S. Now, Polly, this afternoon you must be my little maid. + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Do you think I can trust you? + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. You see, Sukey hasn't come in yet, and some people are coming to +tea, so you must put the kettle on to boil, and make the tea when they +come. + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Do you think you can? + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Do you know how to make the tea? + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. How do you make it? + +POLLY. With water, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Anything else? + +POLLY. No, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Oh, Polly! you are hopeless. + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. What do you make the tea with, stupid? + +POLLY. The kettle, ma'am. + +MRS. S. And what else? + +POLLY. The teapot, ma'am. + +MRS. S. And what inside the teapot? + +POLLY [_thinks a minute, then triumphantly_]. Water, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Anything else? + +POLLY. Tea, ma'am! + +MRS. S. Of course. Now mind you don't forget, and have everything ready, +as the party will be here in a minute: and I'll go and put on my best +cap. [_Exit._ + +POLLY [_stands for a minute with the kettle in her hands, trying to +remember_]. Let me see ... Oh yes, the tea. + + [_She puts many spoonfuls of tea into the kettle, and then water, + shakes the kettle to see if there's water in it, pours some water + into the teapot; then, as she is standing with the kettle in her + hand, MRS. S. comes in quickly with a gorgeous cap on._ + +MRS. S. I see them coming across the green! Quick, Polly, put the kettle +on, we'll all have tea. [_A knock at the door. MRS. S. goes and opens +it._] Good afternoon, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Jennings, Mrs. Crabstick! + +MRS. J. [_brightly_]. Good afternoon to you, I'm sure. + +MRS. B. [_composed_]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler. + +MRS. C. [_coldly_]. Afternoon. + +MRS. J. [_brightly_]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler, and hoping you keep +well. + +MRS. S. Yes, thank you. I have my worries, of course, like the rest of +us. + +MRS. C. [_grimly_]. We all have. It's a weary world. + +MRS. J. Oh, Mrs. Crabstick, cheer up, just when we've come to such a +nice tea-party. + +MRS. C. I depend on my tea. + +MRS. B. Oh, of course; so do I. + +MRS. J. We all do. + +MRS. S. Well, I hope you'll get it as you like it to-day. + +MRS. C. One doesn't get what one's used to out of their own house, but +if you come out to tea one must make the best of it. + +MRS. J. [_to_ MRS. S.]. And your little maid, Sukey, makes such good +tea. + +MRS. S. Yes, she does, but to-day she's out. I'm afraid she must have +had a tumble off her bicycle. + +MRS. C. Bicycle indeed! In my young days feet were good enough. + +MRS. J. [_laughing_]. Quite true, Mrs. Crabstick. If we had been meant +to go on bicycles we should be born with wheels instead of legs. + +MRS. B. Ah, it's a weary world. + +MRS. S. Oh dear me, Mrs. Crabstick, don't be so gloomy. I've got another +little maid to take Sukey's place this afternoon. You'll get your tea +all the same. The kettle's boiling now. Polly, is everything ready? + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + + [_She brings in the teapot, the guests sit round the table, MRS. + S. at the head of it. Kettle on fire._ + +MRS. S. Now, I'll help you first, Mrs. Crabstick. I know +you depend so much on your tea. + + [_Pours out: water only comes out of the pot._ + +MRS. S. Oh! + +MRS. J. There's only water in the teapot. + +MRS. B. There's no tea in it. + +MRS. S. Oh dear, what can have happened? Polly! + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. There's no tea in the teapot. + +POLLY. No, ma'am. + +MRS. S. But I told you to put in some tea, and I gave you the tea-caddy. + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Then what did you do with the tea? + +POLLY. Put it into the kettle, ma'am. + +MRS. S. Into the kettle! Give me the kettle at once. + +POLLY. Yes, ma'am. + + [_MRS. S. pours out; an inky fluid comes out of the spout.[A]_ + + [A] For this brew plenty of blacking should be mixed with water; + it should be shaken up the last thing to make sure that the + blacking has not sunk to the bottom. + +MRS. S. Oh! what a way of making tea! + +MRS. C. You'll excuse me if I go away, Mrs. Smiler. I'm so afraid of +being taken worse if I stay here after what has happened. + +THE OTHERS. And we really feel we had better do the same. Good +afternoon, Mrs. Smiler. + + [_They all get up and go towards the door. The door is thrown + violently open and SUKEY rushes in._ + +MRS. S. Oh, Sukey! There you are at last. + +ALL THE GUESTS [_looking at her_]. At last! + +SUKEY. I'm so sorry, ma'am; I fell off my bicycle, and it's broken. + +MRS. C. [_solemnly_]. What did I say! + +SUKEY. I did so want to be here to make the tea. + +MRS. S. You had better have been. Look! + + [_Pours out of the kettle some of the black liquid._ + +SUKEY. Oh dear! I'll get another. [_Opens cupboard, gets out another +kettle._] I'll soon make it boil. + + [_Puts water into kettle and puts it on the fire._ + +MRS. B. I don't think we'll wait for any more tea-makings, thank you. +Good afternoon. + +ALL. Good afternoon. [_They all go out._ + +MRS. S. Oh dear! Oh dear! My tea-party has not been a success. Sukey, +take it off again, they've all gone away. + + [_MRS. S., SUKEY, and POLLY all sing together_, "Sukey, take it + off again, they've all gone away!" + + +QUICK CURTAIN + + +[Illustration: 3. POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON. + +Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle +on, we'll all have tea. Sukey take it off again, Sukey take it off +again, Sukey take it off again, they've all gone away.] + + + + +GOOSEY-GANDER + + +CHARACTERS + + THE GANDER + THE DRAKE + THE BAILIFF + FARMER GILES + THE COUNTESS + MELISSA + +The GANDER and the DRAKE have a language of their own which they are +supposed to use when speaking to one another, but the parts are here +written in ordinary language to be understood by the audience. They +understand what the human beings say, but cannot join in conversation +with them. + + +SCENE I + +_A road, paling at back, parallel to front of stage, with gate supposed +to be leading into farmyard. Enter GANDER R. Walks rapidly to the centre +of the stage, then suddenly stops as if bewildered, looks on ground in +every direction._ + + +GANDER. Why, it's gone! [_Enter DRAKE L._ + +DRAKE. Good morning, Gander. + +GANDER. Good morning's all very well, but where is it? + +DRAKE. What? Where? Which? + +GANDER. Really, Drake, you're the stupidest bird. You're nearly as +stupid as my wife, and I never saw such a goose as she is. Don't you see +what I'm looking for? Don't you see what's gone? + +DRAKE. Oh, you don't mean--what! the puddle! Gone! + +GANDER. Of course. Only yesterday morning there was a nice large hole +just in the middle of the road, and a large puddle in it. + +DRAKE. So there was. So convenient and delightful. + +GANDER. Yes, you were always sure of finding a puddle there, however dry +the rest of the road was. + +DRAKE. But where has it gone to? Who can have taken it? + +GANDER. Oh, I know quite well--it's that bailiff, of course. And I know +why he did it, too. It was just to spite me, as he knew that was my +favourite walk. + +DRAKE. I've thought for a long time he had a grudge against you. + +GANDER. Yes, ever since the day that I flapped two of his horrid little +children into the pond. + +DRAKE. Serve them right. It will teach them to come rushing about the +farmyard as if it belonged to them. + +GANDER. And they're so rude, too. Just imagine, the other day one of +them said to me, "Hallo, goosey-poosey"! I ask you, _is_ that the way to +speak to a gander? + +DRAKE. Monstrous! + +GANDER. I sometimes feel inclined to go up to the castle and complain to +the Countess. + +DRAKE. Well, why don't you? It's not far across the fields. + +GANDER. Oh yes, I know the way to the castle gates, but when I got +inside it I should be wandering upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's +chamber, and not know where I was. But still, something must be done +about that bailiff. + +DRAKE. And the way he comes prancing along on his dapple-grey pony, as +if no one could ride a spirited animal but himself! + +GANDER. Look, here he comes! + + [_The BAILIFF rides in on hobby horse and curvets and prances + round on stage, and rides into middle where GANDER and DRAKE are + standing._ + +BAILIFF. Now then, you birds! Get out of the way, can't you? + + [_He hits at them with his stick. The GANDER and DRAKE flap + their wings, hiss and quack, and scurry out of the way. BAILIFF + hitches his horse to the gate by the bridle and walks into the + middle of the road, bends down, and looks at where the hole had + been._ + +GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. There now, you see. I told you he did it. + + [_FARMER GILES comes slowly out and leans over gate at back C._ + +BAILIFF [_still in road_]. Morning, Farmer Giles. + +FARMER GILES [_pipe in mouth, nods sideways_]. Morning. + +BAILIFF. I came to have a look at the road. I'm glad to see that the +hole's quite gone. + +GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Listen to him, glorying in it! + +FARMER GILES. Oh ay, they had a grand mending of it. They filled it and +rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it, and they filled it and +they rolled it, and then, they filled it and they rolled it again. + +BAILIFF. And they've made a good job of it, too. + +GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Let's show him we don't like it. + + [_They stand in the middle of the road and flap and hiss and quack._ + +BAILIFF. Those birds are intolerable. + +FARMER GILES [_smiling_]. I expect they're looking for their puddle, +poor things. They was always splashing about in it. + +BAILIFF. Then they'll have to do without it, that's all. [_GANDER comes +up near him and flaps at him. BAILIFF unties hobby horse._] That's a +vicious gander of yours, Farmer Giles. He nearly drowned my children the +other day. It really isn't safe. + +FARMER GILES. Ah, the little uns was teasing of him, I daresay. It'll do +them no harm to be learned how to behave in the farmyard. + +BAILIFF [_mounting his horse_]. Well, he had better not do it again. + + [_Shakes his stick at GANDER. GANDER rushes at him. They fight. + DRAKE and GANDER peck and flap. BAILIFF beats them with his + stick. GANDER gets hold of his coat with his beak. BAILIFF beats + him off. FARMER GILES looks on, smoking and smiling._ + +BAILIFF. My best coat! Look! this is intolerable. I shall go straight to +the castle and complain to her ladyship. [_Gallops off R._ + +FARMER GILES [_to_ GANDER]. Look here, old boy, you must behave +yourself, mind, or you'll get into trouble. + + [_Goes back through gate and off L._ + +GANDER. Quick, we must follow that old wretch to the castle and hear +what he's saying. Come on, Drakey. How fast can you waddle? + +DRAKE. Oh, a good pace. I can do a mile an hour easy. + +GANDER. Capital. Come along then. [_They waddle out R._ + + +CURTAIN + + +SCENE II + +_The COUNTESS'S Boudoir. A table R. slanting to the audience with +ornamental mirror standing on it. A door at back, L.C. Door in R.H. +corner, back labelled_ "Secret staircase to dungeon." _The COUNTESS +sitting at the table looking at herself in the mirror. MELISSA, her +maid, standing, with a hat in her hand trimmed with flowers._ + + +COUNTESS. Now, Melissa, give me my garden hat, please. I feel inclined +to go down to the farm. + +MELISSA [_bringing the hat_]. Your ladyship is so fond of the farm. + +COUNTESS. Indeed I am, and of the live stock there. I should like to +direct it all myself, but I don't think the bailiff would like it. He is +rather tiresome sometimes. + +MELISSA. Still, my lady, he is a most honest man, and his accounts, as +your ladyship always says, are a marvel. + +COUNTESS. Oh yes, in many ways he is excellent, I know, and yet he is +not popular with the poultry--no doubt of that. + +MELISSA. That is true. He doesn't seem to get on with the gander. + +COUNTESS. Such a pity. I like the gander myself--he is always very civil +to me. + +MELISSA [_laughing_]. Really, my lady, he seems such a sensible bird, +sometimes you would really think he understood what you say. + + [_They both laugh. A knock at the door._ + +COUNTESS. Melissa! [_Points to door._ + + [_MELISSA opens the door. The BAILIFF is seen._ + +BAILIFF. May I enter, madam? + +MELISSA. Come in, Master Bailiff. + + _Enter BAILIFF._ + +COUNTESS. Good day, Master Bailiff. + +BAILIFF [_agitated_]. I hope I do not intrude on your ladyship, but I +come on a pressing matter---- + +COUNTESS. What is it? + +BAILIFF. My coat, madam. + +COUNTESS. WHAT! + +BAILIFF. I beg your ladyship to look at it--there is a large tear in it. + +COUNTESS. A somewhat unseemly sight--I should have thought you would +have begged me not to look at it. + +BAILIFF. But it is your gander, my lady. + +COUNTESS. What is my gander? + +BAILIFF. My coat. + +COUNTESS. Your coat is my gander, Bailiff? You are talking wildly. + +BAILIFF. It is no wonder, madam. It was the Gander did it. [_Showing +tear on coat._] I have been attacked by that vicious bird---- + +COUNTESS. And wounded in the coat tails! + + [_COUNTESS and MELISSA laugh._ + +BAILIFF. It does not seem a laughing matter to me, your ladyship. +Something must be done. + +COUNTESS. With a needle and thread. There, I quite agree with you. + +BAILIFF. No, madam--with a big stick. Something must be done to make the +Gander behave better. + +COUNTESS. I am sorry you don't like the Gander, Bailiff. I always find +him very pleasant. + +BAILIFF. I regret that your ladyship is inclined to make such a +companion of him. He really seems to consider he is on an equality with +your ladyship. + +COUNTESS. On an equality with me! You are impertinent, sir. No one is on +an equality with me in this castle. But I have a warm regard for the +Gander, and I consider that you have insulted us both by your +complaints. [_A noise at the door._] Melissa! + + [_MELISSA hastens to open the door. The GANDER and DRAKE are + seen in the doorway. They both bow._ + +MELISSA. Oh! + +COUNTESS. Come in, both of you. + +BAILIFF. What, even here! Miserable birds, how dare you! + + [_GANDER and DRAKE hiss and squawk._ + +COUNTESS. You forget yourself, Bailiff. This is not your house. I beg +that you will apologise at once for your rudeness to us all. Down on +your knees at once and pray for forgiveness. + +BAILIFF. I am willing to apologise to you, madam, but not to the Gander, +and I will not go on my knees, even to your ladyship. + +COUNTESS. Do you hear that, Gander? There stands an old man---- + +BAILIFF. Old man, madam? + +COUNTESS. Yes, old, compared to the Gander--who will not say his +prayers. Take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs. + + [_Fight. The BAILIFF hits the GANDER and DRAKE with his stick. + They flap and peck. MELISSA opens the door of the secret + staircase. The BAILIFF falls with his legs through the doorway. + They drag him out and a great noise of tumbling is heard. Then + they come in again._ + +COUNTESS. Thank you, Gander. Now we will go for a nice walk and you +shall choose it. You shall take me to your favourite place. + + [_The GANDER and DRAKE both shake their heads sadly._ + +COUNTESS. What is it? Something wrong? Dear me, I wish you could speak. +Lead the way then. Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander? + + [_Walk round with steps and out._ + + +CURTAIN + + +[Illustration: 4. GOOSEY GANDER. + +Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander? Upstairs and downstairs, +in my lady's chamber. There I saw an old man who wouldn't say his +prayers, take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.] + + + + +ORANGES AND LEMONS + + +CHARACTERS + + MRS. CARR + KITTY, _her daughter_ + SHOREDITCH BOY + ST. MARTIN'S BOY + OLD BAILEY BOY + STEPNEY BOY + BOW BOY + NEIGHBOURS + + +SCENE + +_A STREET. MRS. CARR, with a small basket in her hand in which are two +oranges and two lemons, is walking along the street to her house, +holding her little daughter KITTY by the hand. They are supposed to +have just arrived at her house door._ + + +MRS. C. There now, here we are at home again, and I'll take these in and +make a nice pot of jam with them. I got them very cheap. + +KITTY. How much were they? + +MRS. C. Twopence each orange, and twopence and three farthings each +lemon. + + [_Handbells heard ringing._ + +KITTY. Mother, why are the bells ringing? + +MRS. C. Because it is Bellringers' Day, when everyone who likes may ring +a bell in the streets if he calls out the name of his parish and puts a +penny into the parish poor box. + +KITTY. Oh, I should like to do that. What's our parish? + +MRS. C. St. Clement's. + +KITTY. And I could ring my little bell that I got off the Christmas +tree. + +MRS. C. But have you a penny for the poor box? + +KITTY [_coaxingly_]. You give me one, mammy darling. + +MRS. C. [_smiling_]. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare. I spent my +pennies on these. + +KITTY [_looking at the oranges and lemons in basket_]. Do let me sell +them again and have some pennies! + +MRS. C. What about the jam then? + +KITTY. Oh, I'd much rather have the pennies for the poor box, so that I +could ring my bell too. + +MRS. C. Well, you may try to sell them if you like. + +Kitty. Oh, mammy darling, you _are_ kind. I'll run in and get my bell. + + [_Rushes in to get it. While she is inside MRS. CARR arranges + the oranges and lemons in the basket, etc. KITTY comes out with + the bell._ + +MRS. C. [_giving her the basket, smiling_]. I'm spoiling you, mind. + +KITTY. It is nice to be spoilt. Now you go indoors, mother, and I'll be +a real person all by myself. + + [_MRS. C. smiles, kisses her, and goes in. KITTY, alone, walks up + and down calling_ "St Clement's! St. Clement's! St. Clement's!" + _Enter ST. MARTIN'S BOY, ringing his bell._ + +ST. M. St. Martin's! St. Martin's! + + [_Looks at KITTY'S basket._ + +KITTY [_sings to tune, ringing bell_]. Oranges and lemons, says the +Bells of St. Clement's! + +ST. M. Jolly good they look. + +KITTY. Buy one? + +ST. M. Yes, if they're not too dear. How much are they? + +KITTY. Two pennies for each orange, and two pennies and three farthings +for each lemon. + +ST. M. All right, I'll have one of each. Now, twopence for +this, you say, and twopence three farthings for this. Can you +reckon up how much that is? + +KITTY. No--_you_ must. + +ST. M. Girls _are_ silly. That makes fourpence three-farthings. Now, +here's a sixpence, and you must give me five farthings change. + + [_Sings_] "You owe me five farthings, says the bells of + St. Martin's." + +KITTY. Oh dear, I've got no farthings, no change, no nothing. + +ST. M. Then you'll have no sixpence as well, that's all. And I'll have +no oranges and lemons--and no nothing. + +KITTY. Oh dear, what a pity! + + [_Enter SHOREDITCH BOY, ringing bell._ + +SHOREDITCH. Shoreditch! Shoreditch! Hallo, those look good. Look here, +little girl, sell me one. [_Feels in his pocket._] No, my pocket's +empty. + + [_Enter OLD BAILEY BOY, ringing bell._ + +OLD BAILEY. Old Bailey! Old Bailey! Jolly things you've got there, young +person. + +KITTY. _Do_ buy one. + +SHOREDITCH. _I_ want to buy one if someone will lend me the money. + +OLD BAILEY. Here, I've got some money. How much do you want? + +SHOREDITCH. Twopence. + +OLD BAILEY. Here you are then. + +SHOREDITCH. Hooray! [_Takes orange._] There, little girl. + + [_Gives her two pennies._ + +KITTY. Oh, that is nice! + +OLD BAILEY [_to_ SHOREDITCH]. But when will you pay me? + + [_Sings_] "When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey." + +SHOREDITCH [_sings, smiling_]. "When I grow rich, says the bell of +Shoreditch." + +OLD BAILEY. That's all very well, but it's a long time to wait. You put +back that orange and give me back the pennies. + + [_They begin fighting, their bells making a noise as they do so. + Enter STEPNEY and BOW, ringing bells, STEPNEY in front._ + +STEPNEY. Stepney! + +BOW. And Bow! + +STEPNEY. Stepney! + +BOW. And Bow! [_They look at the boys fighting._ + +BOW. What's all this about? + +OLD BAILEY. I've lent this Shoreditch boy twopence, and he says he'll +pay me when he grows rich. + +STEPNEY [_to SHOREDITCH, sings_]. "When will that be? says the bell of +Stepney." [_SHOREDITCH shakes his head and laughs._ + +BOW [_in a deep voice, sings_]. "I'm sure I don't know, says the big +bell of Bow." + +OLD BAILEY. Don't know, indeed! + +BOW. Well, don't quarrel on Bellringers' Day. Let's make a great noise +and disturb the neighbours, that's much more amusing. Come on now, let's +each shout something. + + [_Each one sings a line, ringing the bell on the first beat of + the bar._ + +KITTY. Oranges and lemons, says the bell of St. Clement's. + +ST. M. You owe me five farthings, says the bell of St. Martin's. + +OLD BAILEY. When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey. + +SHOREDITCH. When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch. + +STEPNEY. When will that be? says the bell of Stepney. + +BOW. I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow. Capital. Now, all +together, about the chopper. [_All sing very loud._ + + Here comes a candle to light you to bed, + And here comes a chopper to chop off your head. + +NEIGHBOURS. Oh, what a noise! + +BOW. It's Bellringers' Day, ma'am. We may make as much noise as we like. +Now then, all together. + + [_They stand in a row and sing the song straight through. Then + they either march round in single file without singing, but + ringing their bells, while the tune is played on the piano, or + else dance. In either case the neighbours may join in._ + + +CURTAIN + + +[Illustration: 5. ORANGES AND LEMONS. + +Oranges and lemons, says the bells of St. Clements. You owe me five +farthings, says the bells of St. Martins, When will you pay me? says the +bells of Old Bailey. When I grow rich, says the bells of Shoreditch. +When will that be? says the bells of Stepney, I'm sure I don't know, +says the big bell of Bow. Here comes a candle to light you to bed--and +here comes a chopper to chop off your head!] + + + + +RIDE A COCK-HORSE + + +SCENE I + +_TIMMY and JIMMY in separate beds, feet to audience, as the curtain goes +up. TIM sits up cautiously._ + + +TIM. Jim, are you asleep? + +JIM [_sitting up and laughing_]. Yes, sound, are you? + +TIM. Yes. I _do_ think it's so boring being in bed, don't you? + +JIM. Horrid. I hate being asleep. + +TIM. But it's so difficult to keep awake sometimes, even if one has a +book to look at. + +JIM. I can't think why Nurse doesn't like us to bring our book to bed. +This is just the time to have it. It gives one nice dreams. [_He takes +up book from the ground by his bed._] Look, I've got mine. + +TIM. It would be safer to wait till she's been. + +JIM [_putting it under pillow_]. Perhaps it would. + +TIM. I _do_ like it when Nurse looks in very softly and then says to +Mother outside, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," when we're awake all the +time! + +JIM. Take care, here she comes. + + [_NURSE opens door with precaution, comes to beds, looks at both + boys, who pretend to be sound asleep. She goes on tiptoe to door, + opens it, says, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," and goes out + quietly. The boys put out their heads, listen, and then sit up._ + +TIM. Now the book! + +JIM. Read something very nice. Then we can think about it afterwards. +That will keep us awake. [_They sit up._ + +TIM. Oh, this is the one I like--"Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross, To +see a fine lady upon a white horse: Rings on her fingers and bells on +her toes, She shall have music wherever she goes." + +JIM. Oh yes, I love that one. Let's talk about it. + +TIM. What do you think a cock-horse is? + +JIM. I can't imagine. Do you think it's a horse with a cock's head? + +TIM. Oh, I wonder if he'd be like our Chanticleer, all white with a +beautiful red comb. + +JIM. Or perhaps he'd be like our Rooster, all black and speckly. I +wonder if he'd crow all the same, as our cocks do in the morning under +our windows. + +TIM [_laughing_]. Oh dear, how funny Chanticleer would look with a +horse's body! or is it a cock's head and a horse's body? + +JIM [_laughing_]. You couldn't ride him so easily. + +TIM. I should think it's a great big cock and wings sticking out like +that [_stretching his arms_], and with a beautiful horse's back and a +long tail. Oh, I should like to ride him! + +JIM. So should I. [_They begin to talk sleepily._ + +TIM. And what about the fine lady? What do you think Banbury Cross is +like? + +JIM. Oh, there's the picture. Look, it's a great stone thing; and +there's the fine lady all in white, with a crown on. + +TIM. I wish there was a picture of the cock-horse too. + +JIM [_more sleepily_], I should like to ride on it--and--go to see the +fine lady. + +TIM. Yes, we'd go to Banbury Cross and--see--her. + + [_Talking more and more sleepily. The book falls out of his hand + on to the floor as they both go to sleep._ + + +CURTAIN + + +SCENE II.--THE DREAM + +_A market place. A ring of children dancing hand in hand round Banbury +Cross, which stands in the middle, half way up stage. Children sing_: + + "Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross + To see a fine lady upon a white horse: + Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, + She shall have music wherever she goes." + +_At the end of the tune they leave off dancing after singing it +through._ + + +FIRST CHILD. Oh, I'm _so_ out of breath. + +SECOND CHILD. Let's rest a little. + +THIRD CHILD. Yes, till the Procession comes. + + [_They all stand and sit at back._ + +FOURTH CHILD. Oh, look! there's someone coming. + + [_Enter JIMMY and TIMMY, riding cock-horses (hobby horses with + cocks' heads). They gallop round Cross._ + +TIM. There, Rooster, we've just done it. You _are_ a good one to go. + +JIM. So are you, Chanticleer. + +FIRST CHILD. Oh, are you the beginning of the procession, please? + +JIM. What procession? + +CHILD. The fine lady that is coming on a white horse--the Queen of the +Revels. + +TIM. What are revels? + +CHILD. Games and dancing and all sorts of fun. + +TIM. Oh, how nice! + +CHILD. Isn't it! + + [_The children jump for joy and clap their hands._ + +JIM [_to_ TIM]. I _am_ glad we came. + +TIM. So am I. + +CHILDREN. Hooray! Hooray! Here she comes. + + [_Looking off R. Enter the fine lady on her white horse. The + MASTER OF THE REVELS leads her. Two boys walk in front playing a + tune on cazoos, etc. Escort of fairies, etc., if available. The + Queen's horse stops at the foot of Banbury Cross--she hands a + roll of paper to the MASTER, who receives it with a bow._ + +CROWD. Hooray! Hooray! + +MASTER. Here is the list of the Revels--the first will be a race. + +JIM [_to_ TIM]. That will be fun. I like seeing races. + +MASTER. First race, Cock-horses--three times round Banbury Cross. How +many entries? + +JIM [_to_ TIM]. Do you suppose that's us? + +TIM. I don't see any others. + +MASTER [_loud_]. Any entries? + +JIM. Cock-horse Chanticleer, ridden by Jim. + +TIM. Cock-horse Rooster, ridden by Tim. + +MASTER. One, two, three, off! + + [_They ride round and round, crowd cheer, etc. They come in a + dead heat._ + +MASTER. A dead heat--no prize. + +JIM. No prize? + +MASTER. No. Don't talk. Next revel, a dance. + + [_All dance, TIM and JIM and their steeds marking time._ + +MASTER. Next revel, crowing competition. + + [_One after another they crow, very badly. CHANT. crows, + everyone claps. Then ROOSTER crows, they clap again._ + +CHILD. That's not fair--he's a professional. + +ANOTHER CHILD. Never mind! Well done, Rooster. [_All clap._ + + [_Scene must be changed as quickly as possible, the crowing + going on uninterruptedly from the time the curtain falls until + after it goes up again._ + + +[Illustration: 6. RIDE A COCK HORSE. + +Ride a cockhorse to Ban-bury Cross, to see a fine lady up-on a white +horse, Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, She will make music +wher-e-ver she goes.] + + +SCENE III + +_Same as Scene I. TIM and JIM in bed asleep--crowing going on outside. +TIM sits up and rubs his eyes._ + + +TIM. No, no, Rooster, leave off now. You've got the prize. [_He sits +up and rubs his eyes._] Jim, we must ride back now. [_Gradually more +wide-awake._] Why, that's Chanticleer crowing outside! + + [_JIM also sits up._ + +JIM. What's that crowing? Where am I? + +TIM. I've been dreaming I was riding a cock-horse. + +JIM. And I dreamt I saw the fine lady. Oh, I'm so sleepy. + + [_They both fall back on pillow and go to sleep again._ + + _Enter NURSE._ + +NURSE. What, asleep still! Come, it's time to get up. And you've been +taking a book to bed, you naughty boys, and reading it instead of going +to sleep. That's why you're so tired this morning. What's it about? Why, +what absurd stuff! + + Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross, + To see a fine lady upon a white horse: + With rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes, + She shall have music---- + + +CURTAIN _falls as she reads_ + + + + +LITTLE MISS MUFFET + + + _NURSE and MISS MUFFET, reading at table._ + +MUFFET [_reading her lesson_]. C, A, T, cat; M, A, T, mat. I've done my +lessons very well to-day, haven't I? + +NURSE. Yes, Miss Muffet dear, you've been a very good little girl. Now, +just read those two sentences and then we will go out. + +MUFFET [_reading_]. THE CAT IS ON THE MAT. THE BAT IS ON THE MAT. Oh, I +don't like that story. + +NURSE [_surprised_]. Why not? + +MUFFET. About the bat. It frightens me to read about a bat on the mat. I +don't like bats. + +NURSE. Why, you silly little girl, they don't do you any harm. + +MUFFET. They make me afraid. I can't bear bats--they're nearly as bad as +spiders. + +NURSE. I never saw such a foolish little child. Spiders don't do you any +harm, either. + +MUFFET. Oh, they're worse than bats. You won't let one come near me, +nursie, will you? + +NURSE [_smiling_]. Of course not, my poppet. Now, it's time to go out. +Put your things on and we'll take the baby into the grounds. + + [_NURSE ties on MUFFET'S hat, and while she dresses her they talk._ + +MUFFET. Nursie, you know that you said if I were good at my lesson I +could choose my luncheon? + +NURSE. I did, yes. + +MUFFET. And _do_ let me take it out with me to have outside. + +NURSE. Then you must have something that's easy to carry. What do you +say to some nice bread and butter? + +MUFFET. No. + +NURSE. Then what about a nice ginger-nut? + +MUFFET. No. + +NURSE. Or a nice scone? + +MUFFET. No. + +NURSE. Or a nice Albert biscuit? + +MUFFET. No. + +NURSE. Then what _do_ you want? + +MUFFET. Something that begins with a K. + +NURSE. With a K.? What can that be? + +MUFFET [_triumphantly_]. Curds and whey! + +NURSE. Oh, my dear child, what spelling! Curds begins with a C. + +MUFFET [_decidedly_]. No, nursie, I've done my spelling for to-day. +You'll let me have it outside, won't you? Just for a treat. + +NURSE. It won't be much of a treat if you spill it all on the path. + +MUFFET. No, I don't want to give the path a treat, do I? Oh, I'll be so +careful, nursie, you'll see. _Do_ let me. + +NURSE. Very well then, just for once you may. But mind, you mustn't +begin Curds with a K. + +MUFFET. I'll begin it with a spoon, dear nursie--that's best. I'll go +and get it from the kitchen. + +NURSE. And I'll go and fetch the darling baby. Bless his pretty heart +for a popsy wopsy toodelums. + + +SCENE II + +_The grounds--a grassy hillock--some trees. Enter the SPIDER, prowling +mysteriously._ + +_The SPIDER should have eight legs, made of thick wire, bent and covered +with black. Two curving from his feet, two from his hands, two from his +head (fastened on to a round frame), two from his shoulders._ + + +SPIDER. Ha, none of those horrid two-legged creatures about, I am glad +to say. I should be ashamed to have so few legs. Now, let me see. Where +shall I start my spinning? [_Sits on tuffet and looks round._] That +bough, I think, would be best ... it's just the right kind of day--not +too shiny, nor too damp. Just the sort of day for a fly not to see a +web. [_Looks round._] Perhaps I'd better look round and see if there's a +better place. Dear me, now there's a bluebottle gone swaggering past. If +I'd had the web ready he'd have blundered straight into it. Fat blue +thing! These winged creatures _are_ so stupid sometimes. Well, I mustn't +lose any more time. [_Goes out R._ + + [_Enter NURSE, pushing pram in which the baby is supposed to be; + MUFFET following, carrying a bowl very carefully and a spoon._ + +NURSE. Now, Miss Muffet, you had better sit down and eat your curds and +whey or you'll be splashing it down your frock. Suppose you sit on that +tuffet and eat it while I walk the baby about. + +MUFFET. Is that called a tuffet? What a nice name! + +NURSE. Yes, it's called a tuffet because that's where people sit to eat +curds and whey. + +MUFFET. Oh, I'll sit there then. [_Establishes herself carefully._] Now +I'll pretend I'm on a desert island, Nurse, and you go away. + +NURSE [_smiling_]. Very well. I leave you to the savages. Good-bye. + +MUFFET [_calls after her_]. Nurse! + +NURSE. Well? + +MUFFET. You won't really go away, will you? You'll only pretend? + +NURSE. Of course. + +MUFFET. And they won't be real savages? + +NURSE. Certainly not. + +MUFFET. I always think it's so much nicer to pretend. + + [_NURSE goes off R. MUFFET goes on eating her curds and whey. + SPIDER comes in L. with coil of string. SPIDER, before seeing + MUFFET, looks up at bough._ + +SPIDER. No, this is the best place, I'm sure. + + [_Sees MUFFET, who has nearly eaten her curds. She looks up and + sees him, and cries out._ + +MUFFET. Oh! Oh! Oh! Nurse! Nurse! Here's an enormous spider! + +SPIDER. You are very rude--that's worse than being enormous. + +MUFFET [_looking frightened_]. I'm very sorry--I didn't mean to be rude. + +SPIDER [_mollified_]. And I didn't mean to be enormous. But I was born +so. + +MUFFET. Nurse! Nurse! [_She begins crying._ + +SPIDER. What's the matter, little Two-legs? + + [_Sits down by her on the tuffet. MISS MUFFET puts down the curds + and whey and rushes in to meet NURSE coming in L. with baby._ + +NURSE. What is it, darling? What's the matter? + +MUFFET. Oh, Nursie, it's a spider--the biggest you ever saw, and he came +and sat down beside me and frightened me away. + +NURSE [_seeing_ SPIDER]. Oh! he _is_ a monster. + +SPIDER. Really, the manners of these two-legged persons! + +NURSE. I'll soon chase it away. Shoo! Shoo! I'll stamp upon him if I get +a chance. That will teach him to be a spider. + + [_SPIDER gets down off the tuffet and runs rapidly round the tree. + NURSE pokes at it with her umbrella. Prolong chase ad libitum. + Then SPIDER hides behind tree, looking out at intervals._ + +NURSE. There now, he's gone. + +MUFFET. Oh dear, Nursie, I want to go home. I'm so frightened. + +NURSE. Well, come along home then. [_Takes up bowl and pushes the +pram._] Poor little Miss Muffet! + +MUFFET. I sat on a tuffet eating my curds and whey and there came that +big spider ... [_Buries her face against her nurse._ + +NURSE. And sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away! Well, +never mind, darling, he's gone into his hole, and you will never see him +again. [_They go out L. SPIDER puts his head round the tree._ + +SPIDER. Hole, indeed! [_Comes out._] No hole for me, but a nice big web +where I can see what is going on. Now, where shall I begin it? [_Looks +round._] Ah, there, I think! But I'll just have a dance first--it's a +great thing having so many legs for these new dances. [_Dances round. At +end of dance._] And now to work! [_Throws rope over bough._ + + +QUICK CURTAIN + + +[Illustration: 7. LITTLE MISS MUFFET. + +Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating of curds and whey. There came +a big spider and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet a-way.] + + + + +HUMPTY DUMPTY + + +CHARACTERS + + MRS. DUMPTY + KING'S MAN + MRS. PRINGLE + COLONEL + SOLDIERS _ad lib._ + HUMPTY DUMPTY + SERGEANT-MAJOR + + +SCENE + + _One side of a village street--a wall about two feet high up + stage, parallel to the audience. This can be represented by + anything that a child could stand on for a minute before jumping + down. Behind it R.C. Mrs. Dumpty's house is seen--a little gate + in the wall at back L.C. leading to house. There should be exits + R., L., and C. at back through gate. MRS. DUMPTY and MRS. + PRINGLE standing at gate._ + + +MRS. P. Well, good morning, Mrs. Dumpty, I must be running off now. + +MRS. D. Very kind of you to have come in, Mrs. Pringle. I am sorry +Humpty was out, I'd like you to have seen him. + +MRS. P. Oh, I can do without seeing him every day, thank you. Is he as +fat as ever? + +MRS. D. How you _do_ go on about his being fat, Mrs. Pringle. You don't +want me to starve the child, do you? + +MRS. P. No, but there's a lot of difference between starving and +over-feeding. I'm sure my Billy don't get the half of what you give +Humpty, and just look at him! + +MRS. D. Look at him, indeed! Humpty only gets the same as we get, and +has done ever since he's been born. I suppose your Billy gets nothing +but bread and milk. + +MRS. P. He didn't have pork chops when he was six months old, if that's +what you mean, Mrs. Dumpty. + +MRS. D. Well, I was never one to grudge a baby a bit of anything it +cried for, and no one can say Humpty's not a fine boy now. + +MRS. P. He may be a fine boy, but he is a very naughty one. He makes +more noise than all the rest of the boys put together. [_Noise heard +outside._] That sounds like him now. + +MRS. D. It's just his high spirits, Mrs. Pringle. I like a boy to have a +bit of spirit. [_Enter HUMPTY with a great noise._ + +HUMPTY. Hallo, mother! + +MRS. D. Don't you see Mrs. Pringle, dear? + +HUMPTY. Yes, I wish I didn't. I don't like Mrs. Pringle. + +MRS. D. Oh, Humpty, I'm surprised at you. + +MRS. P. [_offended_]. I think I'd best be going, Mrs. Dumpty. + +HUMPTY. Look out that you don't miss the procession, Mrs. Pringle. + +MRS. D. What procession? + +HUMPTY. Haven't you heard? All the King's horses and all the King's men +are coming along here on their way to the Coronation. + +MRS. D. Well, that's very nice. I'll take you to the end of the road, +and we'll look at them. + +HUMPTY. But we needn't go to the end of the road--they pass right along +here. I shall only have to get on the wall and I shall see beautifully. + +MRS. D. You're not to get on without me holding on to you. I'm not going +to have you falling off and breaking all your bones. + +MRS. P. I don't believe he's got bones to break. He is made of nothing +but fat and naughtiness. + +HUMPTY [_boisterously_]. That's right, Mrs. Pringle. Stick up for me. + +MRS. P. I'm not sticking up for you, you naughty boy--I'm only sorry for +your poor mother having such a son. So unlike my Billy! + +MRS. D. Oh, it's only his playful way, Mrs. Pringle. Run along and wash +your face, Humpty, there's a good boy. + +HUMPTY. I don't want to wash my face. + +MRS. D. Well, I'm sure I don't know what the King will say if he sees +you with a face like that. + +MRS. P. It's enough to make him abdicate. + +HUMPTY. The King's not coming, you silly old things, it's his horses and +men. + +MRS. D. You're a rude boy, and you're to go and wash your face at once. + +HUMPTY. Well, I don't mind, just for once--it's nearly a week since I +last did, and it's Monday--that's the day my face goes to the wash. + + [_Exit._ + +MRS. D. Hadn't you best stop and see the procession with us, Mrs. +Pringle? It would be a nice change for you instead of looking at your +Billy all day---- + +MRS. P. You're not very civil-spoken, Mrs. Dumpty, but I _do_ like to +see a procession when I can. But I'm hardly fit to be seen like this. +I'd best slip home and put on my new shawl. + +MRS. D. Well, if you do that, I'll just pop on my Sunday bonnet--it +won't take a minute. + + [_MRS. P. exit L., MRS. D. C. at back. Exeunt. Enter HUMPTY._ + +HUMPTY. Hurrah--they've both gone--I'll get on the wall. [_Climbs up._] +I can see beautifully now. I expect the procession will soon be +coming----Yes, I can hear them. Oh, what fun! + + [_Enter MRS. D._ + +MRS. D. Oh, you naughty boy, didn't I tell you not to get on the wall +without me holding you? + +HUMPTY. I'm all right--I shall see them beautifully from here. + +MRS. D. Don't jump about like that--you'll fall off for a certainty. + +HUMPTY. Oh, let me alone. Can't you hear them coming? + +MRS. D. Take care, Humpty, take care. What did I say...! + + [_HUMPTY falls off--this must be done by jumping from the wall and + rolling over. MRS. D. flies to pick him up. HUMPTY groans. Enter + MRS. P._ + +MRS. P. Here I am, Mrs. Dumpty. Why, what's that down there? + +MRS. D. It's Humpty. He's been and fallen off the wall, and I can't get +him up again. + +MRS. P. Here, let me try. Give me your hand, Humpty. + +MRS. D. No, it's no use, he is so heavy, you see. + +MRS. P. Didn't I tell you he was too fat? My Billy would be up in a +minute. + +MRS. D. Bother your Billy--if only someone would come and pick him up. + + [_Music heard. Enter the King's horses and men._ + +MRS. D. Oh, sirs--oh, sirs--do, pray, stop a minute. + + [_They walk right across the stage before they stop, so their backs + are to her--and then turn right round so that they face her._ + +KING'S MAN. Halt! About turn! Yes, ma'am? + +MRS. D. Oh, sir, you look so beautiful--but I'm sorry to tell you that +my son, while waiting to see you, has fallen off the wall--he's down +there. + +KING'S MAN. Yes, ma'am! I see him. Is that all, ma'am? Good morning. +About turn!---- [_They turn away again._ + +MRS. D. Oh, sirs! Oh, sirs! don't go away--I want you to pick him up +again. + +KING'S MAN. Well, ma'am, we may be late for the Coronation, but anything +to oblige. [_To soldiers._] About turn! [_They turn back._] First file, +take hold of the boy's arms! Second file, catch hold of his legs! +Now--all together, on to the wall--lift! [_They try to pick him up._] +I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't move him--he's rather stout, you see. + +MRS. P. What did I say! If only it was my Billy now. + + [_More music heard._ + +KING'S MAN. Here's another regiment coming--perhaps they can do it. + + [_Enter more soldiers._ + +KING'S MAN. If you please, Colonel---- + +COLONEL. Halt! What is it, my man? + +KING'S MAN. There's a young feller there fallen off the wall--we can't +get him up again, sir. + +COLONEL. What! All you King's horses and all you King's men can't do a +simple thing like that! Preposterous! Ridiculous! [_He twirls his +moustache and is very warlike._] Sergeant-Major! + +SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel! + +COLONEL. Fall out the regiment, and replace that boy on the wall. + +SERGEANT-MAJOR. Right turn! Dismiss! Now then, all together. + + [_Both regiments dash at HUMPTY and try to pick him up._ + +COLONEL. H'm--it's not so easy as I thought. A charge of cavalry might +do it. [_HUMPTY starts._] Or, upon my word, an explosion of dynamite +would be better. Sergeant-Major! + + [_HUMPTY trembles._ + +SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel. + +COLONEL. Blow this boy off the ground with dynamite. + +MRS. D. [_hurriedly_]. Oh, thank you so much--I won't trouble you to do +that. + +COLONEL. No trouble at all, madam, I assure you. It won't take a moment. +Sergeant-Major! + +MRS. P. Oh, how exciting! + +MRS. D. Be quiet, Mrs. Pringle. _Pray_ don't trouble, Colonel--I think +he is very comfortable where he is, thank you. + +COLONEL. Just as you wish, madam--but if we can't do anything for you I +think we had better be moving on. Sergeant-Major! + +SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel. + +COLONEL. Fall in the regiment. + +SERGEANT-MAJOR. Regiment! Fall in! [_They fall in and stand at ease._ + +COLONEL. Attention! Right turn. Quick march! [_Exeunt._ + +MRS. D. What a dreadful man! + +MRS. P. Oh, did you think so? I thought him so pleasant. + +MRS. D. Why, what's Humpty doing? + + [_HUMPTY rolls over and faces the audience._ + +HUMPTY. Phew! I felt rather anxious then--I thought I should have to get +up---- + +MRS. D. Get up! But can you get up, my poppet? [_HUMPTY sits up._ + +HUMPTY. Of course I can, if I like--only it was such fun having them all +crowding round and pulling at me. + +MRS. P. Well, I never! It would have served you quite right if they had +blown you up as they said. + +MRS. D. How hard you are on the poor child, Mrs. Pringle. + +MRS. P. My Billy would never have done such a thing. + +HUMPTY. Of course he wouldn't--he's much too stupid. + +MRS. P. Stupid! Not he--he's got too much sense to go falling off a wall +just when a procession was coming. I shall go home and tell him what you +did. + +HUMPTY. And mind you tell him that all the King's horses and all the +King's men couldn't pick Humpty Dumpty up again--till he chose! + + [_Gets up._ + + +CURTAIN + + +[Illustration: 8. HUMPTY DUMPTY. + +Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the +King's horses and all the King's men, could'nt pick Humpty Dumpty up +again.] + + + + +[Transcriber's note: "[P]" represents the pilcrow character.] + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cat and Fiddle Book, by +Lady Florence Bell and Mrs. Herbert Richmond + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CAT AND FIDDLE BOOK *** + +***** This file should be named 34763.txt or 34763.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/4/7/6/34763/ + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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